About The Story

Cerise’s younger sister is getting married and she’s expected to attend. The logical thing to do was to attend (duh, it’s her sister’s wedding! It would be weird if she’s not there) but how could she attend when her sister’s getting married to Leo, her ex best friend slash almost boyfriend from years ago? And it’s not like she could just suddenly blurt out their ‘history’ because she’s pretty sure that she’d be branded as bitter by their relatives… like, it’s been years! Move on!

She needed to attend. But she didn’t want to go alone. She needed an arm candy, but not just any arm candy–she needed someone who would make her the envy of the night. Iyong tipo na walang magdadalawang isip kung nakapagmove on na ba talaga siya.

She looked and looked and looked for the perfect wedding date.

Until she wound up in a bar and met this bartender named Pablo.

Chapter 00

Chapter 00

“Here me out… What if pumunta ka na lang magisa? Who cares about your relatives’ opinion? You barely see them,” Jana, my ever rational friend, told me. I mean, I knew she made a lot of sense. Why did I care so much? It had been 8 months, I think, since I last saw my relatives. I love them, but they’re the typical Filipino relatives. Whenever they see me, it’s as if they have a checklist na kailangan nilang sabihin sa akin. They’d point out na tumaba ako o pumayat, they’d ask about my salary, when would I introduce a guy, when I would get married, kung magkakaanak ba ako and kung hindi, sino na ang magaalaga sa akin sa future? It’s tiring just by thinking about it!

“No,” I replied, shaking my head.

Jena rolled her eyes. “So, what now? The wedding’s in three days. Wala ka pa ring nahahanap. What about Paul?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head vehemently. “I would seriously consider hiring an escort first bago ko dalhin si Paul sa kasal ng kapatid ko.”

Paul is the son of the boss of the company. For some reason, he has ‘decided’ that he likes me. I told him no dahil hindi ko siya type talaga. I don’t like brats. Panganay na ako sa pamilya namin. I felt like kahit wala akong anak, I already raised a kid. The last thing I would want was to date a man-child. And Paul’s exactly that. That guy couldn’t understand the word no even if it hit him in the face.

“You’re insane.”

“I am not,” I said. “Solid plan, I must say.”

“Fine, saan ka naman hahanap ng escort?”

“I don’t know… Do you know any escort?”

“What? Paano naman ako makakakilala ng escort?”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Ikaw na ang nasa happy relationship,” I said and she just laughed at my face. It’s actually cute because she met her boyfriend when they were in elementary. The guy transferred school after a year. They met again in college in some competition. Been together since. Why couldn’t it be like that for me? It’s starting to feel like some scavenger hunt, ha!

Kung sinuman ang nakatadhana sa akin, pakibilisan lang dahil naiinip na ako.

“Worse comes to worst, I’ll come with you to the wedding and I’ll try my best na ’wag ka nilang tanungin nung ganon.”

I smiled a little. What would I do without her?

“Thanks… But still not giving up. My date is just somewhere here in the Metro.”

Napailing na lang siya. “Whatever you say, Cerise.”

At around 7PM, she had to leave to meet her boyfriend. Nagpaiwan ako sa café. Baka may mahanap ako dito na pwedeng ka-date. Why was it so hard, anyway? It’s not like I was unattractive! I actually look pretty nice. And I have a good figure, too, because I exercise consistently. I have a great career din (but I think this was me trying to compensate for the lack of love life kasi ano na lang sasabihin ng pamilya ko? Wala ka ng jowa, wala ka pang career?)

Ugh! I hated that I cared so much about their opinion.

“This is freaking hopeless,” I told myself nung bandang 9PM na pero wala pa rin akong makita. Naubos ko na ata lahat ng lalaki kaka-swipe ko sa Bumble and Tinder pero wala pa rin akong makita na pasa sa taste ko. Actually, meron naman na few but hindi pa sila nagrereply. Tapos kapag may cute naman dito sa café, may kasama na na boyfriend or girlfriend.

Could it be… that I was destined to be alone?

I shook my head. “I need a drink,” I told myself bago kung saan-saang conclusion pa ako makarating. Magpapakasal lang ang kapatid ko—hindi pa naman guguho ang mundo.

I drove around. I didn’t actually know kung saan ako pupunta. Wala naman akong balak magpakalasing dahil magda-drive pa ako pauwi. I didn’t need a guy to drive me around because I could actually do that on my own. I could buy my own things. I could travel on my own. I didn’t need a guy for anything.

Jana’s right—it’s just ego on my part.

I didn’t need anyone; I just wanted to prove my family that I was living the life.

“Pablo’s,” I uttered when I stopped in front of a bar. I couldn’t remember kung sino ang nagsabi sa akin tungkol sa lugar na ’to, but I heard that this was a pretty chill place.

Nagpark ako doon. I needed to take a break from hunting down my wedding date. Kung wala akong mahanap, I really could hire an escort. It’s really the better choice kaysa pumunta doon at tignan nila ako na para bang may nakakahawang sakit ako dahil lang wala akong love life.

My family’s like the ultimate Filipino stereotype.

Pagpasok ko sa loob, Won’t Go Home Without You by Maroon 5 was playing. Okay. I already like this place. I looked around. It was Thursday night, so I really wasn’t expecting a crowd, but medyo maraming tao ngayon. I looked around. Walang gwapo—I shook my head. No. Timeout muna sa paghahanap ng lalaki. Who knows it could get so exhausting!

Dumiretso ako sa bar. I just wanted a glass of whiskey then I’d head home na rin. May trabaho pa ako bukas. I needed to work to afford my lifestyle. Hindi naman ako pinanganak na sa generational wealth (how I wish, tho! The things I’d do!)

I sat by the bar. I looked around dahil walang tao roon. Seriously? How was this a good business decision? What if magnanakaw ako na kuhanin ko na lang iyong laman ng kaha nila?

“Where is the freaking bar—”

My lips parted when the arguably handsomest guy I had ever laid my eyes on stepped in front of me. I had met a lot of hot guys in my line of work as a creative director in a magazine. Jana suggested doon na lang ako kumuha ng date, but I love my job and I would never mix work with pleasure. Sobrang unprofessional.

But this guy? He’s a freaking work of art with that face and that demeanor.

Oh, shit.

This is the guy!

“Hi,” he said. His voice was low and dangerous for some reason. He was also looking at me and smiling, but even his smile hinted something else.

Nandito lang pala siya! Kung saan-saan pa ako nakarating! Napa-subscribe pa ako sa Tinder at Bumble!

“What can I get for you?” he asked with a smile.

“How about your number?” I asked as I was looking straight into his eyes. Fuck, he’s gorgeous. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 03 on Patreon (patreon.com/beeyotch). Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories.

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Chapter 01

Chapter 01

“Why have I been summoned?” Jana asked habang nilalagay niya iyong bag niya sa table. It was 6:30 in the morning. Mamayang 9AM pa naman iyong pasok namin, but I told her that I needed to talk to her in person.

“Emergency.”

“What could’ve happened in less than a day?” she asked and then I slid her coffee towards her. “Thanks.”

I nodded. “I finally found him.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Found who?”

“The perfect wedding date.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh, wow. Sino? Patingin!” she said, her voice became a bit higher. Ready naman na ako ipakita sa kanya iyong itsura if meron lang talaga akong ipapakita, noh!

“Yeah… I don’t have any pictures.”

“Social media?”

“He doesn’t have any,” sabi ko na lang kasi parang medyo ’di ko pa na-process iyong kahihiyan na ginawa ko kagabi.

The initial excitement on her face was gone. Kumunot na ulit ang noo niya. “What? For real? In this day and age, wala siyang social media?”

“Apparently so.”

She rolled her eyes. “Tanda na natin, Cerise, ha. Baka wala lang ’yang social media kuno kasi may girlfriend talaga. Kukutusan talaga kita kapag nagpadala ka sa ganyan. Dapat alam mo na ’yang mga ganyang paandar ng mga lalaki,” she said. “Walang social media…” she murmured while shaking her head.

I rolled my eyes, too, as I sipped my coffee. “Bakit parang galit ka?”

“E para ka kasing high school na naniwala na walang social media.”

“The hell? Ikaw naghahanap ng mukha, e!”

Sa totoo lang, isa sa mga mystery ng buhay ko kung bakit hindi pa kami nagsasaksakan ni Jana. Sa ilang taon na pagkakakilala namin, ilang beses na talaga na muntik na kami magkapikunan. Or I guess same lang kasi kami ng personality kaya madalas kami mag-clash? Either way, very thankful ako sa kanya kasi nandyan lang siya kahit anuman ang mangyari sa akin, personally or otherwise.

“Ang tagal mo na kasi naghahanap ng lalaki! Malamang macucurious ako kung ano itsura niyan,” she said. “Saan mo na-meet?”

“Pablo’s.”

“Pablo’s?” she asked, her forehead creased a little. “Sounds familiar.”

“Yeah. Bar sa BGC,” I replied.

“Oh. Nakainuman mo?”

Umiling ako. “Nope. As it turned out, he’s the owner of the bar,” sabi ko sa kanya. I could still remember how I tried to ask him kung magkano ba ang sweldo niya sa isang gabi and I’d pay for it just so I could take him as my date. Fucking shit. I humiliated myself so hard! I still cringe whenever I think about that.

“What can I get for you?” he asked with a smile.

“How about your number?” I asked as I was looking straight into his eyes. Fuck, he’s gorgeous.

“How about gin and tonic?” he asked, still with that smile. Kahit wala pa siyang masyadong sinasabi, I could very well tell that he’s already used to being hit on. I mean, sa itsura ba naman niyang ’yan? Sino ba naman ang hindi mag-aattempt? Kung lalaki ako, I would never bring my girlfriend here because that face is just hard to compete with. But then again, why bother be with someone who’d easily be swayed by a good looking guy?

Why was I overthinking again? This is an illness at this point.

I shrugged. “Yeah, sure,” I said, placing both arms at the bar counter and watching as he moved around to prepare my drink. Don’t get me wrong—big fan of his face. But his arms? Fuck. Mapapasabi ka na lang talaga ng ‘choke me.’

“One gin and tonic for—” he said as he put the drink in front of me.

“Cerise,” I replied.

“Cerise,” he said.

“That’s not how to respond when someone tells you her name,” I said, my eyebrow arched a little as I reached for the glass and took a sip. The eye contact was maintained all throughout. That’s the key, though. Eye contact. Always.

There was a small smile on his face. Like he was enjoying the conversation. I mean, I hope.

“Okay. How should I respond?” he asked, his voice a little playful this time.

“What’s your name?”

There was a small grin on his face. “I’ll tell you before you leave,” he said.

Natawa ako. “Oh. So we’re playing a game, then.”

He shrugged, but his attention shifted to the guy standing beside me who ordered something. Once again, I was watching his every movement. Halos mapatalon ako sa kinauupuan ko nang marinig ko na magsalita iyong lalaki sa gilid ko.

“Hi,” he said.

I looked at him and smiled. “Hi,” I replied. “But not interested, sorry,” mabilis kong sabi dahil for sure if hindi ko sabihin ng directly, mauupo pa ’yan sa tabi ko at pipilitin na kausapin ako. Any other night, I would’ve played nice and maybe score a free drink or two from him. But tonight? My attention is solely focused on the bartender in front of me.

God, why was everything he did so freaking sexy? Paano ’yon? Pwede pala ’yon?

“That was cold,” sabi niya nang umalis na iyong lalaki. Pretty sure ita-trashtalk niya ako sa mga kaibigan niya. Men and their fragile ego. I hope this guy in front of me didn’t have fragile ego kasi nakaka-turn off, to be honest.

“Eh,” I said, shrugging. “Better than me wasting his time.”

“He could’ve bought you a drink.”

“I can pay for my own drinks,” I replied with a smile.

“Good for you,” sabi niya lang.

Man, this guy’s making me work. It didn’t seem like the conversation would continue unless ako iyong mag-initiate. I mean, fair enough. Nananhimik siyang nagta-trabaho tapos ako iyong unang lumandi sa kanya.

“Craziest story as a bartender?”

Natawa siya. “Really?”

“What?”

“Nothing,” sabi niya. “You seemed to have tamed down a bit.”

“What?” natatawa na tanong ko. “What do you mean?”

“You started pretty strong with asking for my number directly,” he said.

“That was already strong for you, huh?”

He shrugged. “Usually people just say hi.”

I shrugged back. “I’m not like most people, then,” I replied with a smile.

“Seems like it.”

“Still not interested in giving me your name?”

Natawa siya. “What will you do with my name?”

“So I can put your name when I save your number,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Would you rather I save it as ‘Hot bartender’?”

Kitang-kita ko na iyong amusement sa mukha niya. Hindi pa naman ako nakakainom pero kung anu-ano na ang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Hindi ko nga rin alam kung saan ko nakukuha iyong mga sinasabi ko. I wasn’t usually this forward with guys. I mean, during parties for work, napapanood ko kung paano lumandi iyong mga katrabaho ko. I guess, subconsciously, nakuha ko iyong mga sinasabi at ginagawa nila?

“Yeah. Let’s go with hot bartender,” he replied with his head cocked slightly on the right side. Fucking hell, how could he get so much hotter just by one simple gesture? How was that even possible?!

I playfully rolled my eyes. “I’m taking back my name.”

“You’re taking Cerise back?”

“So, you do remember my name.”

He shrugged. “Good with names. Requirement for the job,” he said with a smile.

“So, that’s one of the requirements when you got hired?”

“You can say that.”

“What else?” tanong ko. “Did your employer also tell you that the customer is always right? Or at least make the customers happy?”

“Not when the customer is out of line,” he said.

“Very considerate boss,” I replied.

“Very. He’s the best,” sabi niya.

“I’m not yet out of line, right? Or am I?”

Natawa siya. “No. You’re still good.”

“Okay,” I replied, slightly nodding my head. “What will it take for me to become ‘out of line?’” I asked using air quotes.

“A lot,” he casually said with a lopsided smile.

“Oh. Is that a challenge I’m hearing?” I asked with my brow slightly arched.

“Not at all,” sabi niya tapos ay may lumapit na naman na customer na of course kailangan niyang kausapin dahil hindi lang naman ako ang nandito sa bar.

But due to my luck, instead na kumonti ang mga tao, parami lang sila nang parami. And it seemed like the guy’s extremely well liked dahil ang daming kumakausap sa kanya. It made me think din if naturally flirt lang ba talaga siya kasi nakangiti and masaya din siyang nakikipagusap sa iba.

Or maybe, just maybe, he’s just entertaining me because duh it’s a part of his job.

Okay. Why did that thought annoy me?

Shet. Lasing na ba ako? Ni hindi pa nga ubos iyong isang baso na iniinom ko!

At around 1AM, it didn’t seem like he’d be coming back dahil marami pang tao. Apparently, this place’s quite famous pala talaga. I see a lot of corporate people and I heard some law students arguing about law and shit. Mukhang ito iyong hangout place nila.

“Hi,” I said nung mapadaan siya sa harap ko to probably get something.

“Hey,” he replied back with a smile.

“I have a weird proposal,” I said. Natawa siya. My eyes widened a bit. “What? No!” sabi ko kasi parang nabasa ko na agad iyong iniisip niya. “It’s not an indecent one.”

Natawa siya. “Wasn’t thinking that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. Tell that to the marines.”

He shrugged. “What’s the proposal? Because I think we should know each other’s names first before we jump into marriage.”

“Whose fault is that? I already told you my name.”

“Right.”

“Still no name?”

He smiled. “Are you leaving already?”

“I am. You said you’ll give me your name before I leave.”

“I remember,” he said.

“The name, then?”

“What’s the proposal first?”

“One gin and tonic.”

“You’ll be driving?” he asked. I nodded. “Here you go,” sabi niya na imbes na iyong order ko ang ibigay, inabutan ako ng tubig.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re bad for business. Your employer will be pissed.”

Bahagya siyang natawa. Damn why was his laughter so unbelievably hot? He must be aware na hot iyong pagtawa niya! O baka naman aware siya kaya mas lalo niyang ginagawa? If that’s the case, he’s devious and caution must be observed at all times!

Pinanood niya ako habang iniinom ko iyong tubig. I hated how I was very aware na pinapanood niya iyong bawat galaw ko. And me being me, hindi ako nagpatalo, of course. I knew that my neck’s one of my best features so ginandahan ko talaga iyong angle habang umiinom ako ng tubig.

This guy knows the game.

I should be smarter.

“I need a date,” I began. “For my sister’s wedding.”

“Oh. Congrats.”

“Tell her yourself.”

His forehead creased. “Oh… You’re asking me?”

I nodded. “How much do you earn in a day? I’ll pay.”

Natawa siya. “Really?”

I nodded. Magkano ba ang minimum wage sa Manila? Hindi naman siguro siya minimum wage. Sabihin na natin na… ewan ko… around 3k a night siya? Plus maybe tips? So I guess 10k would be very generous already.

Fuck.

Sobrang desperate na ako magkaroon ng date sa kasal ng kapatid ko!

“Yes. Name your price.”

“Okay,” he said. “How I earn here?”

“Yes. Do you have side hustles?”

“Some,” sabi niya.

“This place lang.”

“It depends on the night,” he said.

“In a night like this,” sabi ko kasi mukhang maraming tao. Hindi naman ako sobrang magastos na tao kasi marunong din ako magtipid. But damn, tuwing napapatingin ako sa mukha niya, parang kusang bubukas ang wallet ko makasama ko lang ’to at maiparada sa harap ng mga matatabil ang dila na tita ko at mga inggiterang pinsan ko.

“I haven’t checked yet but I’m guessing around 70k. That’s net.”

My forehead creased. “70k? As in peso? Per night?” I asked, confused because holy fuck. He nodded. “Do you… like provide extra service or something?” naguguluhan na tanong ko because kung ganyan kalaki sa isang gabi, maybe I was in the wrong industry!

I was waiting for him to give me an explanation as to why ganoon kalaki ang kinikita niya nang biglang may lalaki na nagsalita.

“Pablo!” he said and this guy turned his head like someone called his name.

It was like… my brain was some computer from the early 2000s. Slowly, my brain tried to connect the facts at hand. I was at Pablo’s. This guy was earning 70k a night. Net. Someone called him Pablo.

Holy fuck.

He’s not some bartender—he’s the owner.

Shit.

Pero bago pa siya lumapit sa kaibigan niya, tumingin siya sa akin.

“Pablo,” he said, offering his hand. I felt like I was in some daze as I accepted his hand while our eyes were on each other. “I’ll think about your offer. Drive safely, okay?” he continued before he gave me a smile and once again, he left to entertain the other customers. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 05 on Patreon (patreon.com/beeyotch). Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories.

If you’re having any problems with your payment or if you want to pay via GCASH, you can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance.

Chapter 02

Chapter 02

“Oh, my god. Nakakahiya ka,” Jana said nang matapos kong ikwento sa kanya iyong nangyari kagabi.

Iyinukyok ko iyong ulo ko sa table against better judgment dahil feel ko ay madumi iyon. “I know!” sabi ko sa kanya. “Hindi naman ako nakainom kagabi kaya medyo weird sa akin iyong mga lumabas sa bibig ko.”

Fuck.

Na-turnoff kaya siya sa akin kasi parang ang eager ko naman masyado? In my defense, I was pressed for time! It wasn’t as if nilalandi ko siya just for the heck of it. I mean, yes, gwapo siya sa gwapo… but kung iyon lang ang reason, hindi ko sasabihin lahat nung sinabi ko kagabi. I would be more… chill. And calm. And mysterious.

But iyong last night?

What a colossal mess!

Kulang na lang ihain ko iyong sarili ko sa kanya sa lamesa. Iyong karamihan pa naman ng lalaki, based on experience at least, would lose interest the moment they see that they can easily get you. Or at the very least, you’ll be put in the ‘fun’ category aka one night stands and fuck buddies and not on the ‘serious’ category aka the girlfriends and the future wifeys.

Man… why is dating so hard and complicated?

“So, what’s the next move?”

“Next move?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yes. Kasi ang tagal mong naghanap ng date, e. Ngayon na nakita mo na, what? Suko na agad?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Uh… didn’t you hear me tell you the story of how I made a fool of myself kagabi?”

She just so casually shrugged. “I mean, I love you, C, but you were so embarrassing last night. But then again, sino ba siya? So what if owner siya ng bar? Don’t ever forget na Creative Director ka ng biggest magazine sa Pilipinas. Never sell yourself short.”

I pouted. “Love you,” sabi ko kasi gusto ko talaga na kahit minsan kami ang worst critic ng isa’t-isa, kapag ganito, kami rin ang biggest reminder what a catch we actually are and how we should never settle.

She faked a gag at natawa na lang ako.

“So, ano na nga plan? ’Di mo nakuha number, noh?”

Umiling ako. “Hindi, e. So far, ang alam ko lang ay siya si Pablo na owner ng Pablo’s.”

“You seriously think na wala siyang social media? Kahit facebook man lang?”

“I really have no idea,” sabi ko. “But if wala, it wouldn’t be surprising, to be honest,” dugtong ko. “The man’s phone is an iPhone6, Jana! And it’s not ’di niya afford iyong latest phone. Kung pwede siguro iyong Nokia, iyon siguro ang phone niya! That man is wired differently, that’s for sure.”

Tawang-tawa si Jana. “Or maybe… we should go to Pablo’s later. Na-curious na rin ako.”

I groaned. “But I just made a fool of myself.”

“And you’ll make a fool of yourself again later for my entertainment.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

“No biggie,” sabi niya.

“Bitch,” I replied and she just grinned at me. “But seriously… it would be so creepy kung nandun ulit ako two nights in a row.”

“So what? Nagsabi ka naman na kailangan mo ng date sa wedding. Sinabi mo ba na sa isang araw na iyong kasal?” Umiling ako. “Sabihin mo mamaya. Topic for conversation.”

I groaned once again kasi ngayon pa lang, naiisip ko na iyong mga kahihiyan na mangyayari. “Fine… but no drinks for me later.”

“Oh, no, no, no,” sabi ni Jana. “I will pick you up mamaya. Dress nicely. Pakita mo ’yang legs mo. The little black dress? The one na sinuot mo nung company party niyo? Iyong halos magmakaawa na si Paul sa ’yo? Iyon ang suotin mo. Then you’ll drink. I will be the designated driver as usual. Do your thing—just don’t overdo it. If ayaw niya, his loss, to be honest.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re just saying that kasi friends tayo.”

“Duh. Kung hindi ako, kawawa ka naman.”

---

After ng coffee namin ni Jana, dumiretso na ako sa trabaho. My work’s highly competitive, but I love it here. Some people find my work environment as toxic, but I really didn’t mind… O baka kasi I don’t take things personally lang… Or maybe I really just didn’t care. Basta ako, I do my job. Kung maayos ka katrabaho, you would hear no complaints from me. Now kung hindi mo gagawin ang trabaho mo, that’s when you’d hear from me.

Besides, I believe that there’s always a room for improvement. I really just don’t take things too personally, at least work-wise. Instead kasi na damdamin ko, I’d just take that into consideration tapos I’d work on it. I mean, it’s for me din naman. And I believe it did me good kasi ako iyong pinaka-bata na creative director sa history ng magazine namin.

At around lunch time, I was eating my salad nang mag-ring iyong phone ko. I groaned nang makita ko iyong pangalan ng kapatid ko.

“What?” I replied nang sagutin ko iyong tawag niya.

“Hi!” she said, smiling. “Busy ka sa work, Ate?”

“Di naman.”

Up until now, hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano ko kakausapin si Therese. We used to be close… I mean, I basically raised her. She knew that I liked Leo. Sinabi ko naman sa kanya. Alam niya rin na may something sa amin. But then… apparently they fell in love. So, ano pang laban ko ’dun? Mukhang tanga lang.

“Pwede ka kausapin?” she asked with that sweet smile of hers. I used to think that she has such a pretty smile—Leo probably thought the same kasi na-inlove nga si gago, e. But now? Ewan. Kasi alam mo ’yon? Sinabi ko sa ’yo lahat… Tapos nagawa niyang gawin sa akin na kapatid niya ’yon? It felt like betrayal kahit hindi naman talaga kami ni Leo. Like seriously… how could you do that?

I distanced myself.

Built a freaking wall.

I just couldn’t trust her anymore—magkapatid na lang kami but we’re not sisters anymore.

“Break ends in 10 minutes,” seryoso kong sabi kasi feel ko hanggang doon lang ang haba ng pasensya ko.

“Okay, Ate,” sabi niya. “Sobrang nakaka-proud ka talaga,” muling sabi niya. Lagi niya ’yang sinasabi kapag tinatawagan niya ako at nakikita niya iyong background sa office ko. She’s still staying at the province. She finished early education at nagtuturo siya sa day care. As far as I’m concerned, mahal niya naman iyong ginagawa niya. But she seemed so fascinated with my life in the city. Ewan ko sa kanya.

I ignored what she said and proceeded to ask her kung ano ba ang kailangan niya. She was just asking me kung makakauwi ba ako bukas kasi may bachelorette party daw para sa kanya. I just told her na busy ako pero sa totoo lang, wala ako sa mood. Kasi sino ba ang makikita ko roon? Iyong mga tita ko na chismosa? O iyong mga kaibigan niya na sobrang proud nung nagpublic na sila ni Leo sa Facebook? Na apparently matagal na pala nilang alam tapos tinatago nila? I mean, bakit niyo itatago in the first place if wala namang mali?

Tsk. Kairita. Nawalan na ako ng gana sa salad ko.

My work ended at around 7PM. Ayoko kasi ng may pending ako na trabaho. Gusto ko closed lahat ng tasks for the day. Lagi nga akong niloloko na hindi naman daw ako tigapagmana ng kumpanya. Pakielam ko ba. Wala naman akong balak na manahin iyong kumpanya. Ang akin lang, hanggang ako ang creative director dito, lahat ng mali or tama na mangyayari, sa akin nakadikit. So kung may kalat, ako ang maglilinis. As simple as that.

Pagbalik ko sa condo, nagpahinga muna ako. Nagsabi si Jana na susunduin niya ako ng 10:30. It felt so nice to remove my heels. I removed all my clothes and wore an oversized shirt as I walked around my unit. Walang magrereklamo kasi magisa lang naman ako rito.

I ate my late dinner while watching some sitcom then I took a long shower. Hindi ko sinunot iyong sinabi ni Jana na isuot iyong little black dress because I felt like that would be an overkill. I settled in wearing my sleeveless gray pantsuit. I mean, it’s got a deep v-neck, so there’s that.

“Ano ’yan?” sabi ni Jana nang sumakay ako sa sasakyan niya.

“What? Ang cute ko kaya.”

“Mas sexy ’yung dress.”

Umirap ako habang sinusuot ko iyong seatbelt. “I’d just invite him as my wedding date, okay? Hindi one night stand.”

“Why not?” sabi ni Jana. “Based sa kwento mo, super gwapo.”

“Bakit kapag gwapo, one night stand agad? E ’di sana pinatulan ko na si Paul.”

“True,” she replied, nodding her head. “I did search for him pala nung break ko kanina.”

My lips parted. “Ang stalker!”

Natawa siya. “What? Curious lang, e!”

Umirap ako. “So, ano ang nalaman mo?”

“Pablo Reinaldo Narvaez. 34. Bachelor. Wala ngang social media, but due to my extreme sleuthing skills, nakita ko siya in some tagged photos,” she said. “Girl…” she continued and then looked at me and slowly nodded. “Approved.”

Natawa ako. “Seriously?”

“I mean… gets ko na ngayon bakit pinahiya mo iyong sarili mo last night,” she said. “But you shall redeem yourself tonight. Change plans na pala. ’Wag ka masyadong uminom. But be your usual charming self.”

I groaned. “I know! I’m usually okay. Hindi ko alam bakit mukha akong tanga kagabi.”

“Siguro kasi you’re talking to him with a plan in your mind? Just try talking to him like you would other people,” sabi niya. “It’s easier to talk to people when you talk to them without any expectation or ulterior motives.”

Jana gave me a lot of peptalk hanggang sa makarating kami sa Pablo’s. Mas lalo akong kinabahan kasi parang mas maraming laman iyong parking lot ngayon as compared sa kagabi. Dapat siguro mas maaga kami para wala pang tao? Fuck. Ngayon pa nagbago ang isip kung kailan nandito na kami, e.

Nauna akong maglakad since tumawag iyong jowa ni Jana. Pagpasok ko sa loob, agad na nakita ko si Pablo. He was doing his job, as usual. Huminga ako nang malalim. I should’ve finished at least a glass of wine bago ako pumunta dito.

As I took a deep breath, I walked straight to the bar. I took the empty seat on the near end and just waited until his eyes eventually drifted my direction. Nakita ko iyong kaunting pagiling niya at pagngiti nang makita niya ako.

“I said I’ll think about the offer,” sabi niya nang makalapit siya sa gawi ko.

“I know,” I replied. “But the wedding’s the day after tomorrow.”

“Oh. So, I’m guessing I’m a last minute replacement?” he asked, his brow arched a little.

Bahagya akong natawa. “And if you are?”

“I’d have to see first who I’m replacing.”

“I didn’t peg you as insecure.”

“Oh, I’ve been pegged already,” sabi niya. “Do tell me about myself.”

God, why was he so hot? Kahit simpleng pagsasalita niya pa lang, para bang gusto ko nang bawiin iyong sinabi ko kanina na wala ako rito para sa one night stand. Pwede naman kasing multiple night stand. Wala namang hard and fast rule.

“Give me a drink first.”

“Gin and tonic?”

“Yeah.”

I watched as he prepared my drinks. Hindi ko maiwasan na mapatingin sa braso niya, sa mga daliri niya, sa mga lecheng ugat na ’yan na kung saan-saan dinadala iyong isip ko.

Why was I so weak for veins?

“You’re not replacing anyone,” sabi ko sa kanya. “I’m just really picky,” I continued. “This is the part where you should be flattered.”

Napangisi na siya. I mean, at the very least, I was amusing for him. That’s something already kaysa naman boring ako.

“What made you pick me?” tanong niya. “Oh, thank you for the honor.”

“No problem,” I said, casually shrugging as I sipped my drink. “Do you want the real story?”

“Always,” sabi niya. “Not a big fan of lies.”

“Oh, so you’re an honest person?”

He shrugged again. “I try to be,” sabi niya. “Lies complicate things. I prefer life simple and easy.”

“So… that’s why you’re in this business? Is it really easy?”

Tumango siya. “I’m earning while doing something I enjoy—life can’t get easier than that,” simple niyang sabi. “So, what’s the story?”

Napatingin ako sa mga bagong dating. “You have new customers.”

“I have employees,” sabi niya.

“Oh, now, the attention is on me,” I replied.

“Yes,” direktang sabi niya na for some reason, halos maputol ang paghinga ko. Pero pilit akong kumalma dahil ayokong magmukhang tanga sa harapan niya.

“Another drink,” sabi ko. “I’m not driving.”

“Okay,” sabi niya tapos ay pinaghanda niya ulit ako ng inumin. “Do you mind if we move somewhere else? Because people will think I’m still on duty.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, sure,” I said.

He made two drinks. Nakasunod ako sa kanya kung saan man siya pupunta. Naka-heels na ako at lahat pero mas matangkad pa rin siya sa akin. I saw Jana winked as we passed by him. Napatingin tuloy ako nang ituro niya iyong pwet ni Pablo. Lecheng babae talaga ’to.

Mukhang sa veranda niya balak kaya lang may dalawang nagmmakeout doon kaya tumalikod si Pablo at humarap sa akin.

“My office?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied, shrugging, kahit na ang totoo, bigla akong napaisip na office… with doors closed…

Me and this hot guy?

Everything can happen.

The cold air welcomed me nang buksan niya iyong pinto ng opisina niya. I was actually impressed nang makita ko na maayos iyong lugar niya. I didn’t know why I expected him to be messy e tignan mo pa lang siya as a person, sobrang ayos niya.

“You can sit down,” sabi niya nang nakita niya na nakatayo pa rin ako habang nakaupo na siya sa couch niya.

I discreetly took a deep breath as I sat on the couch. Since it was his office, hindi naman ganoon kalaki iyong couch. We were sitting a little close to each other. His right arm was on the armrest of the couch habang iyong isang kamay niya ay hawak iyong baso. Iyong inumin ko ay inilagay niya sa coffee table. Inabot ko rin iyon saka uminom.

“What did I tell you so far?” I asked because I hated that he makes me nervous.

“You have a wedding to attend to. You need a date. You’re very picky.”

I nodded. “Right,” sabi ko. “So… We’re attending my sister’s wedding.”

Napangisi siya. “We?”

I nodded. “You’ll agree—you just don’t know it yet.” He shook his head in amusement. “The thing is… she’s marrying my… I’d say ex but we were never really official.”

I saw him nodding. “You still not over him?”

“I am,” sagot ko pero tumango lang siya like hindi siya convinced. “I really am.”

He shrugged. “So you need a date because?”

“Because I don’t want to go there alone.”

“Why not? It’s your sister’s wedding. Your family will be there.”

“You don’t know my family,” sabi ko. “I love them, but they’re terrible.”

Natawa siya. “Then you can just attend the ceremony and leave.”

“And then I’ll be the topic of conversation.”

“So?”

“I don’t like it.”

“Why do you care? You don’t seem to like your family anyway.”

“I just do,” sabi ko. “And let’s not pretend like you don’t know that you look good.”

Natawa siya. “Do I?”

Umirap ako. “Seriously? Fake humility isn’t a nice shade on you, Pablo.”

“I mean, beauty is subjective,” sabi niya sa akin. “What looks good for you won’t necessarily be attractive for someone else.”

I didn’t know if it was the alcohol talking but I was just really staring into his eyes… and his lips… alternately.

“Are you already drunk?” he asked because I must’ve looked dazed.

Tumingin ako sa mga mata niya. “Girlfriend?” I asked, but he didn’t answer as quickly as I needed him to. “Do you have a girlfriend? Are you seeing someone?”

Umiling siya. “No,” sagot niya.

I nodded. “Okay,” sagot ko. “Do you have condoms?”

“What?” sabi niya na nakatingin sa akin at parang naiintindihan niya na.

“Do you have condoms?” I asked again.

“I mean, yes, of course,” sagot niya.

“Okay,” I said. “And lastly—you wanna fuck?” I asked because if there’s anything I learned while fending for myself here in Manila is that if you don’t ask for what you want, no one’s gonna hand them to you on a silver platter.

And seriously, the worst thing you can get is a no… and often times, like tonight, what you’ll get is the sweet, sweet sound of yes. 

**

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Chapter 03

Chapter 03

“So, I’m assuming this is a yes?” tanong ko kay Pablo habang sinusuot ko iyong pantsuit ko. Since it’s a pantsuit, I had to remove everything. I was naked as the day I was born. This was really the reason kung bakit ako masipag magworkout—it wasn’t for health or anything. It is to look good while naked. That’s really my reason.

Pablo was sitting on the couch. May throw pillow na nakapatong as mga binti niya. I wasn’t some wide-eyed virgin. When I first went to Manila, I tried the hookup culture but got quickly tired of it. It just wasn’t for me. I felt really weird letting total strangers touch me. Kailangan kong makausap for at least a day—or makilala kahit papaano. That way, there’s at least some bond. And sex is always better when you have a bond with the person—well, at least for me.

“Yeah, sure,” sabi niya. “Do I need to know anything?”

“Hmm, wala naman,” I said.

“You don’t plan on seducing the groom? Because if that’s the plan, you need to tell me so I can escape, too.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “There’s no such plan!” sabi ko nang tuluyan ko nang maisuot iyong damit ko. “My sister’s getting married.”

“Yeah, I heard, but also, you don’t seem like you’re a big fan of your sister.”

I shrugged. “I am not, since we’re being honest and all that,” sabi ko sa kanya. “But also, why would I bother seduce Leo? He decided he likes my sister better, so why would I force myself on him?”

Tumango-tango si Pablo. “If you say so,” sabi niya tapos ay kinuha niya na rin iyong pantalon niya at boxers niya at sinuot iyon. My eyes wouldn’t allow me to look elsewhere. Pinanood ko kung paano siya yumuko at isuot iyong mga damit niya. I watched as his muscles flexed at his very movement. I found it extremely hot na nakita ko iyong bakas ng kuko ko sa may dibdib niya. God, he’s just so fucking hot.

Nang matapos siyang magdamit, he brushed his fingers through his hair.

“This Sunday, right?” tanong niya.

I nodded. “I can drive.”

“I’m your date. I’ll drive,” he replied.

Normally, I’d roll my eyes at the patriarchal bullshit… but right at this moment? I felt all traces of feminism left the room. He could tell me what he wanted from me and I’d give it to him willingly. But of course I would never tell him that—mamamatay muna ako. You cannot waterboard that information out of me.

“Okay,” I said as casually as I could.

“Dress code?”

“Suit is fine.”

“Do I need to bring a gift?”

“I got us covered,” sabi ko.

“Anything I need to know? How will you introduce me?” he asked. “Just so our story matches.”

Napaupo ako sa may swivel chair niya. “Good catch,” I said. “I should warn you, though, that my family is a nosy bunch.”

“No problem,” he said. “I’m good with people.”

“Well, obviously,” sabi ko. Iyong ibang customers, first name basis na sa kanya. Patrons na niya ata. Hindi naman siguro sila babalik-balik dito kung ayaw nila sa ugali ni Pablo. Clearly, he’s good with the people. I was starting to get very confident with my choice.

“So, what’s the story?”

I shrugged. “Let’s just stick to the truth.”

“That you approached me and asked me as your date?”

“I mean… embellish a little,” sabi ko sa kanya. “If it’s fine with you since you said na you don’t like lies and all.”

He nodded. “I don’t like being lied to, but when I’m complicit with the lie, I feel okay with it.”

I rolled my eyes. “Double standards.”

“World isn’t fair, news flash,” sabi niya sa akin na nakangisi.

“Right…” sabi ko tapos ay sumandal. “Well, we met at a bar. You’re still the owner. I was there to unwind after a long day at work.”

“Yeah, what’s your work? If they ask me.”

“Creative director at Premiere, “ sagot ko sa kanya. He nodded like he wasn’t really impressed or anything. Kung sabagay, he has his own business and other side hustles. I figured it would take a lot to impress someone like him—not that I wanted to impress him.

“How long have we been seeing each other? Are we exclusive?” he asked.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Yes, of course. I mean, why would I bring you to my sister’s wedding if we’re not exclusive?”

He shrugged. “Just wanted to clarify.”

“Why? Past experience?”

He shrugged again. “Maybe,” he said. “Some say they want this, but really want something else. I’m just done with that phase. You tell me what you want. No games.”

He was serious when he said that. For a second, I felt like it was directed to me, but I quickly snapped out of it. Kaya lang naman kami nandito ay dahil pinilit ko siya na sumama sa akin sa date. I should not overthink this. Kasi kung kagaya nga siya ng sinasabi niya, if he wanted anything from me, he’d tell me himself. Like him, I was done with games. Dami kong ginagawa sa trabaho. The last thing I would want was to play games with some man. Please lang.

“Well, what I want is a date for my sister’s wedding,” diretsong sabi ko. “As mentioned, I have a history with the groom, so I just don’t want anyone there to think that there’s some lingerish feelings involved.”

“Because there’s none?” he asked like he was mocking.

“There’s none,” I confirmed.

“Got it,” sabi niya tapos ay tumayo na siya. Once again, nagulat na naman ako just how tall he was. He’s not just tall, you know? He’s got such a nice body pero hindi iyong parang overdone. He looks… just right. Like he figured long enough what looks best for him and decided to stick to it.

He looks so fucking good, but that’s not even it—there’s just something about him… as a whole… that makes him so fucking attractive.

“Maybe also send me a list of your favorites just so if they ask me,” sabi niya.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll message you on messenger? Instagram?” I asked, nagbabaka sakali na baka may account siya. Malay ko ba? Baka iba lang pangalan na nakalagay o baka super private lang. Baka hindi umabot doon ang sleuthing skills ni Jana.

“I have an instagram,” he said.

“I’ll follow you,” sabi ko sa kanya habang binibigay ko iyong phone ko para iinput niya iyong account niya roon. Nang ibalik niya sa akin iyong phone, napaawang iyong labi ko nang makita ko na iyong instagram account ng Pablo’s iyong nilagay niya.

“What?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Nothing,” I said. “I guess… see you on Sunday?”

“Where are we going first?” tanong niya. “So I know how long the travel is.”

“Bataan,” sagot ko.

“What time’s the wedding?”

“2PM.”

“I’ll pick you up at 10AM,” he said.

“Sounds good,” sabi ko at saka tumayo na ako. This was actually the awkward part like paano ba magpaalam after ng lahat ng pinaggagawa niyo sa isa’t-isa? Parang tanga naman. “See you on Sunday,” I said. “No need to walk me out,” sabi ko nung naglakad siya papunta sa akin.

Natawa siya. “Yeah, no… I have to go back to the bar. I have a business to run,” sabi niya. “I mean, I can walk you out if you want me to,” dugtong niya. “You just have to ask, Cerise. No games, remember?”

Fuck.

Fuck him.

---

Halos sabunutan ako ni Jana nang bumalik ako sa table namin. Nanlaki iyong mga mata niya nang makita niya kaming sabay naglalakad ni Pablo pabalik mula sa kung saan man.

“Ang bilis mo, gaga!” sabi niya nung nasa parking na kami. Hindi siya nakatiis at kinurot iyong braso ko.

“Aray naman!”

“Kanina pa ako hanap nang hanap sa ’yo. Akala ko nakidnap ka na.”

“30 years old na ako. Paano ako makikidnap?”

“Kidnap knows no age,” parang tanga na sabi niya. “Pero ano… sarap ba?”

Hindi ito ang first time na tinanong ako ni Jana ng ganito, pero for sure ito iyong first time na nag-blush ako. Taena kasi ’yang si Pablo! Daming alam! Akala ko marami na akong alam, but as it turned out, mas marami siyang alam!

“Mag-drive ka na nga.”

“Sagot muna.”

I groaned. “Oo. Masarap. Okay na?”

“Details naman!”

“No.”

“Bakit nagdadamot bigla? Dati naman ang motto ay sharing is caring,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Sabihin ko sa ’yo next time,” sagot ko. “Still trying to process.”

Her eyes widened. “Bakit? Hala, mas lalo akong na-curious tuloy!” she said. “Nag-bdsm ba kayo?”

“No.”

“May weird kink siya?”

“Sasabihin ko nga next time.”

“Tss… Damot. After mo ako paghintayin ng dalawang oras don,” she said and she just kept on asking but hindi ko talaga masagot kasi pota feel ko natuturnon na naman ako kapag naaalala ko iyong nangyari sa office niya. Kailangan kong maligo paguwi ko sa condo.

I took a quick bath and immediately fell asleep because of how tired I was. Paggising ko kinabukasan, dumiretso ako sa gym ng condo to do my morning run. Then I prepared my food, took a bath, and then finally opened my phone. It’s Saturday and tomorrow’s the wedding. Wala akong trabaho. I mean, I can, but I figured I shouldn’t work today.

I opened my instagram and pumunta ako sa account ni Pablo. It’s so weird to message this account because this is like his business account.

I sent a hi first kasi malay ko ba kung may social media manager siya. Mamaya magulat ’yon bakit may nagsesend dito ng favorites niya. Isipin pa nun na napaka-weird ko.

Walang nagreply agad. I figured it’s still early. It was only 9AM and if I were to consider the fact that it was Friday last night, it meant that he’s probably up until like 3AM or 4AM? Baka mamaya pa ’yon gigising.

Itinabi ko muna iyong phone ko and tried to catch up sa mga palabas na pinapanood ko. I was watching RuPaul’s Drag Race when my phone vibrated. I hated how I quickly reached for my phone like I was religiously waiting for any notification.

pablosbar: Hi.

cerise: Who is this?

pablosbar: Your boyfriend for the weekend.

Shit. Bakit kahit ’yon lang ang hot na? He wasn’t even doing anything, for fuck’s sake!

cerise: Right. So, I made a pdf file of the things they might ask. Already attaching it. If they ask for pictures, just smile.

Pablosbar: We can take a photo tomorrow.

cerise: Right.

He left me on seen. Shit. Ano ba kasi sasabihin ko? I felt like I needed to think things thoroughly dahil baka may mali ako na masabi. Mukha pa naman siya iyong madaling tumalikod once he sees things being a little too complicated. Siya na rin nagsabi na he likes things easy.

cerise: I’ll be wearing blue tomorrow. You might want to color coordinate

I nervously tapped my fingers as I waited for his reply. After ten minutes with nothing, I decided to go out because there’s no way I’d allow myself to go crazy over a man’s reply. Nope. Not gonna happen on my watch.

I was due for a grocery run anyway kaya naman dumiretso ako sa grocery. I went to my usual place and I was minding my own freaking business nang mapatigil ako nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Paul.

“Fuck,” I uttered under my breath.

I fixed a smile on my face as he approached me. Kung hindi ko lang talaga mahal ang trabaho ko, I would have told him to fuck off right at his face. I had been subtle about it but it’s either he’s super dense o wala lang talaga siyang respeto sa salitang no.

’Di ata ’to nayakap nung bata, e.

“Long time no see,” sabi niya habang niyayakap ako as greeting.

“Yeah… been busy,” sagot ko as I awkwardly returned the hug. I stood there and engaged in conversation but all I really wanted to do was to leave kasi he’s been touching my arm whenever. I just kept on trying to gently remove his grasp from me, but he was ignoring that, too.

I was literally counting the seconds hanggang sa matapos ang usapan na ’to nang bigla kong marinig iyong boses na for some reason ay pamilyar na sa akin.

“Cerise,” I heard his voice and I would wager my life that it was his voice. “I told you not to wander around without me,” he added as I felt his arm wrapping around my waist. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 06  on Patreon (patreon.com/beeyotch). Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories.

If you’re having any problems with your payment or if you want to pay via GCASH, you can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance.

Chapter 04

Chapter 04

“H-Hey,” I said when I realized that Pablo had his arm wrapped around my waist. I was looking straight into his eyes. Fuck. He looked even prettier in daylights. Just when I thought this man couldn’t get any hotter, he showed me how wrong I was.

His brows furrowed a little. I cleared my throat. Shit. Bakit ba ako nag-stammer sa harapan niya? I’d already seen everything there was to see in this man. Bakit pa ako mahihiya?

“Hey,” paguulit ko. Ibinaling ko ang tingin ko kay Paul. “Pablo, this is Paul, the son of my employer,” I said, choosing my words carefully para naman pumasok na sa isip ni Paul na iyon lang talaga ang tingin ko sa kanya. Totoo siguro talaga iyong kung sino iyong hindi mo makuha, iyon ang mas gugustuhin mo. Because I could seriously provide Paul with a list of names who would die to have a chance with him. Okay naman kasi siya minus the fact that he gives me the ick. I guess for other women, he’s ‘the’ catch. He looks good and he’s rich. A lot of woman would be ecstatic already. But me? Hindi ako kasama sa listahan na ’yon.

“Paul, this is Pablo,” I said, at hindi ko na itinuloy dahil hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano siya iintroduce.

“The boyfriend,” Pablo said as he offered his hand to Paul. They shook hands and I saw how firm Pablo’s grip was. Actually, nakatingin lang talaga ako sa kamay ni Pablo. God, those veins! Did he have any idea what those veins do to women? Or at least to me?

Paul seemed to be a little taken aback sa pagpapakilala ni Pablo that he made an excuse para makaalis agad. I was relieved na wala na siya… but seriously though? It was infuriating na kahit anong pagpapaalis ang gawin ko sa kanya, hindi siya umaalis. All it took was a man’s presence for him to fuck off. It was like my own words and actions were not enough—but one word from a man and he’s off.

“You don’t seem relieved,” Pablo said nang mapansin niya iyong magkasalubong na kilay ko.

“Oh, I am,” I replied. “You didn’t have to, but thanks.”

He shrugged. “No problem,” sagot niya. “Been observing for a while. You looked real uncomfortable talking to him, so I thought I should intervene,” he continued. “I hope I was right?”

Tumango ako. “Yeah,” sagot ko. “Any more second with him would’ve given me aneurysm.”

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. “Why didn’t you just tell him to go?”

“Not that easy.”

Akala ko ay magtatanong pa siya, pero nagkibitbalikat lang siya. He was honest when he said he didn’t like complication. Para siguro siyang may spidey-senses na kapag nararamdaman niya na pakumplikado na iyong topic, he’d immediately stop para hindi mapunta pa sa kung saanman.

“You do grocery shopping here, too?” tanong ko sa kanya.

He nodded. “Yeah. You, too, I presume?”

Tumango ako. For a second, we were awkwardly—o baka ako lang—staring at each other. ’Di ko naman matanong kung bakit hindi siya nag-reply sa huling message ko because that would just make things harder.

“I don’t want to hold you up,” I said after a few seconds of awkward silence between us. Hindi ko na siya hinintay pa na magsalita. I didn’t want him to think that I was one to wait up para lang sa kung anuman ang sasabihin niya. He’s hot, that’s a given, but never would my life be put on pause because of a hot guy.

Again and again, I would remind myself that no guy is hot enough for me to put my life on hold. Just doesn’t work that way for me. My survival instinct would kick me in the ass if I ever pull that shit again.

“Cerise.”

Agad akong napahinto nang marinig ko ang pangalan ko. Slowly, I turned around to look at him. Would you look at that guy… just wearing a fitted white polo shirt, some pants he must’ve randomly put on, and sliders… but even so, he looked like he’s ready to mess you up real good.

“Just read your text,” sabi niya. “What shade of blue?”

I hated how that sounded so hot.

Normally, a blue is just a blue. But for me? For a creative directly like me? It sounded so hot coming from his mouth asking me what shade of blue I was talking about.

“I’ll send you a color pallet,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“Alright,” sabi niya. “If you can send it now, that’ll be good.”

“Now?”

He nodded. “I don’t know if I have that shade of blue. I’ll go to the mall if I don’t have.”

My lips parted a little. “What? You don’t have to.”

He shrugged. “After everything you told me about your sister and your family? You deserve to introduce a boyfriend who color coordinates and everything.”

You know that feeling when air was knocked off of your chest? That was literally how I felt when he told me what he just said. Because when I tell people the story, all they’d tell me was to move on. It’s been long. Masaya na sila ng kapatid ko—they’re even getting married, so clearly, Leo wasn’t meant for me. Even Jana’s first advice was for me to let it go.

For the first time, I felt… validated.

Like it was fine for me to be petty even just for a day. Because as petty as it may seem for other people, what they did really put a number on me. She’s my sister and he’s my best friend. It just wasn’t that easy to get over with. Kasi kung madali lang, bakit ako mapupunta sa Maynila? Bakit ko iooverwork iyong sarili ko to the point na doon na lang yata umiikot ang buhay ko?

It hurt.

And to hear someone say that I deserve to have my day of ‘revenge?’ Damn if that didn’t feel so fucking good.

“Thanks,” I said, sincerely.

He gave me a half-smile. “Won’t disturb your day anymore,” sabi niya kahit na sa totoo lang, I’d rather talk to him in the middle of the grocery aisle. I usually get bored talking to guys. I only talk to them because of work. But this one? I felt like I could talk to him about whatever.

“I’ll send the color pallet asap.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Do that,” sabi niya bago ako bigyan ng maliit na kaway and then went the opposite way. I told myself to stop staring at his cute butt as he was walking away, but my eyes wouldn’t let me.

Damn it, Pablo.

It hadn’t even been a week since I met you!

---

Binilisan ko iyong sa grocery ko. Paguwi ko sa condo, I laid down the dress that I’d be wearing sa kasal ni Therese. I immediately sent it to him. I felt like he probably owns a shirt in the same shade. But I didn’t want to inconvenience him kaya nag-send ako ng dalawang option pa.

I saw that he’d seen my message. Instead of answering, he just reacted thumbs up. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me since alam ko naman na na nabasa iyong message ko. But a reply would’ve been nice.

“No,” I immediately told myself. “Don’t obsess over it. Not a good look,” I reminded myself kasi alam ko na matu-turn off siya kapag naging clingy ako. If it were the other way around kasi, maiinis din ako kapag kailangan ng constant attention ng kausap ko. Lalo na ngayon? We’re adults. We have responsibility. If we get together, I’d expect to have a partner and not someone I’d have to coddle.

Kaya naman pagkatapos kong mag-reply sa business account ni Pablo sa Instagram (still feel a little weird about it, to be honest), I busied myself doing something else. My unit was still clean. No works on the weekend rule. So, I just decided to go for a swim sa pool ng condo.

Pagbalik ko after my swim, I saw a message from one of my cousins sa province. I didn’t like all of my cousins because when the whole Leo situation happened, they all took Therese’s side. Kasi nga she’s young and sweet and all that shit and me, being the older sister, should just give way. Si Vie lang iyong nag-bother na tanungin kung ano nararamdaman ko sa mga ka-shitan na ’yon.

Vie: punta ka talaga bukas?

Cerise: Yes. Bakit naman hindi?

Vie: wow change of tune? Parang last month lang ayaw mong pumunta.

Cerise: Lol

Vie: narinig ko pinaguusapan ka

Cerise: Nothing new. Ako lang ata interesting na topic jan.

Vie: hahaha lol pero tagal mo rin kasi di nagpakita. For sure daming tanong nila tita sa yo

Cerise: I know. I might bring someone with me.

Vie: boyfriend????

I chose not to reply para mas lalo siyang ma-curious. Hindi ko rin sinabi na si Pablo kasi malay ko ba kung magbago iyong isip niya. At least may plausible deniability ako. Kung anuman mangyari, si Jana na lang dadalhin ko. At least kapag siya, sure na maglalasing lang kami bukas sa hotel room after nung ceremony.

I was in the middle of preparing my dinner nang mapatingin ako sa phone ko na nakapatong lang sa kitchen island. Normally, my Instagram notification was turned off. I just post there because of work. I don’t really reply to messages and comments because if you really want to reach out, at least professionally, do it by email. But Pablo… Pablo got my turning on my Instagram notification.

pablosbar: Do you want to see what I’ll wear?

cerise: Will you send pics?

pablosbar: I can if you want me to.

cerise: Sure.

I was standing by the kitchen island, one hand on the kitchen island, the other one holding my wine glass. Nakapatong doon iyong phone ko. I was waiting for his message to come through.

The anticipation was killing me.

‘First option,’ he messaged and then a photo of him came after. From the looks of the background in his photo, it seemed like he was in his walk-in closet. Fuck, the guy has a walk-in closet! I could clearly see his shirts lined up according to color in the background. And he said pupunta pa siya ng mall to buy e mukhang may sarili na siyang mall sa kwarto niya!

‘You can tell me if this is not good enough for you. I have other clothes,’ sunod na message niya dahil umabot na ata ng dalawang minute ay hindi pa rin ako nakakapag-reply. Iyong picture niya kasi ay nakatayo siya sa harap ng salamin. His phone was covering his face kaya iyong suot niya lang ang kita ko. He was wearing a suit and tie that looked like it was tailored to fit him perfectly. His inner shirt was the exact same shade na sinend ko sa kanya. His shoes and belt matched perfectly, too.

cerise: That looks good, but may I see the other option?

pablosbar: Of course. Hold on. I’ll just change.

I was half-tempted to ask him for a video call so I can watch as he’s changing, but even I knew that that would sound really weird—not to mention creepy. Instead, I waited while I was sipping my wine.

‘Second option,’ he said as he sent another photo of him. This was a different suit in a different shade. Color white na iyong inner shirt, but iyong matching color ay iyong tie niya and the suit itself. He also had a different belt, shoes, and watch to complete the look.

Where the fuck was this man hiding all my life?

‘Third option,’ he messaged as he sent another one.

To say that I was enjoying what we’re doing would be the understatement of the century. I was enjoying this—choosing his outfit for him and him actually caring about my opinion.

pablosbar: So? Final verdict?

cerise: Second one.

pablosbar: Thought so. I liked that one, too.

cerise: So why didn’t you show that first?

pablosbar: The first one was the safe choice.

cerise: True. But what’s life without a little risk, right?

He didn’t reply after, but before I fell asleep, he sent a message telling me to send him the address of where he’d pick me up. Damn, Pablo. 

**

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Chapter 05

Chapter 05

I wanted to sleep early, but hindi ko magawa after nung mga sinend sa akin ni Pablo na pictures, para akong teenager na pabalik-balik lang doon sa Instagram para tignan. But I knew that I really needed to sleep unless gusto kong magmukhang pagod bukas. So, I went to the gym of the condo and ran until I felt tired enough na pagbalik ko sa unit, pagod na ako para makatulog.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than the alarm. Nag-text naman na ako kay Pablo kagabi na sunduin niya ako sa coffee shop near my condo. Ewan. I had sex with the guy and everything, but still, it felt like giving him my address was ‘too much information.’

Iba na talaga ang panahon ngayon—nauna pa niyang makilala iyong katawan ko kaysa sa address ko. Kung buhay pa siguro ang lola ko, kanina pa ako napingot dahil sa kalandian ng paborito niyang apo.

I prepared a small bag kung saan nakalagay iyong isusuot ko mamaya together with my makeup kit and hygiene kit. My plan was to attend the church ceremony, parade Pablo in front of my relatives, then go home after. Wala akong balak mag-stay nang matagal sa reception. Living in Manila for years now, although mataas na ang tolerance ko for bullshit, it doesn’t necessarily apply to family. Ewan ko ba—may way talaga iyong mga relatives mo para i-trigger ka, e. Kahit i-mask pa nila ’yan as them ‘caring.’

Since sa Bataan lang naman kami and hindi naman iyong super layo, I settled with wearing something comfortable and casual. I was wearing a straight-cut white pants, fitted black shirt, and my Adidas sneakers. I also wore gold accessories. I felt like any plain outfit could be good given the right accessories. Also in fashion, at least for me, less is always more.

Pablo said na susunduin niya ako ng 10AM. I didn’t know kung siya ba iyong tao na maaga dumating, on time, or late. But I didn’t want to be late kaya naman 9:45 pa lang ay nandoon na ako.

“You’re early,” I said nang makita ko na nandoon na siya and there was already a cup of coffee in front of him.

Fucking hell. This man just looks good anytime of the day, noh? Nung akala ko na sobrang gwapo niya na sa bar niya, mas gwapo siya sa grocery. Ngayon, he proved na mas gwapo siya kapag ganitong umaga.

Tumingin siya sa relo niya. I noticed that he’s wearing Omega seamaster. Did he purposely choose to wear that dahil kapares siya nung shade of blue na napili kong suotin?

“You’re early, too,” he replied.

I shrugged. “Don’t like being tardy. Time is important.”

He slightly nodded his head like he agreed with me. “If you don’t mind, I’ll finish my coffee first,” sabi niya.

Tumango ako. “Sure. I’ll order first,” sagot ko naman sa kanya. Iniwan ko iyong bag ko sa may upuan sa harapan niya and walked towards the counter para umorder ng inumin ko. Today’s going to be a long day kaya naman umorder ako ng Americano with triple shot espresso. I needed to stay awake ngayon. I also debated if I’d order sandwich or something for him, but I figured that like me, baka hindi rin siya kumakain ng breakfast. Okay na kasi ako sa coffee.

“Pablo,” I called. Tumingin siya sa akin. Damn him. Kahit ganoon lang, ang gwapo na agad. “Do you want sandwich or something? For the road?”

Umiling siya. “I don’t eat breakfast,” he replied. “But get some for yourself if you want.”

“I don’t eat breakfast,” sagot ko sa kanya.

Tumango siya. “Let’s just have lunch later, then.”

I nodded back. “Great,” sagot ko bago ko ibalik iyong tingin ko sa may barista. Nakatayo ako roon habang hinihintay iyong order ko. For some reason, I started to feel conscious kahit hindi ko naman sigurado na nakatingin sa akin si Pablo. Still, I straightened my back and stood like everyone’s watching.

Nang hindi ako makatiis, I ‘casually’ turned my head around at doon, nagtama ang mga mata namin. Shit. So, he was watching me? Kanina pa? But why? Was he fascinated with me as I was with him?

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Matanda na kaming dalawa—this wasn’t some teenage flirtation. For god’s sake, we already had sex! Bakit ba ako kinakabahan sa kanya?

“What?” I asked as I arched my brow. Bahagya siyang umiling, but didn’t say a word. That was all he did, but he managed to make my heart race inside my chest.

Ngayon pa lang, masasabi ko na na this wouldn’t end well for me. I needed to reign myself in. Until he’s all in, I shouldn’t even let myself think about the ‘possibilities.’ I got to lookout for myself first.

“Thank you,” I said nang ibigay sa akin iyong order ko. Muli akong huminga nang malalim bago ako maglakad pabalik sa table. Nakita ko na halos patapos na siya sa iniinom niya.

“Can I drink this in your car or you’re one of those who doesn’t allow food or drinks in their car?” tanong ko sa kanya.

He shrugged. “As long as you won’t make a mess.”

“What if I do?” seryosong tanong ko although I just realized that it sounded like I was flirting again. Damn him. Kapag ganyan kasing mukha ang nasa harapan mo, para bang nasa automatic flirtation mode agad ako.

Umayos ka nga, Cerise. He’s here dahil naawa ata siya sa life story mo. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t let your imagination fill in the gaps—d’yan nagsisimula iyong false hopes na nauuwi sa heart break na hindi naman mangyayari in the first place kung hindi overactive ’yang imagination mo at niroromanticize mo lahat ng bagay.

“Nevermind,” sabi ko bago pa siya makasagot. “Give me 10 minutes,” dugtong ko bago ko inubos iyong kape.

I felt Pablo’s eyes on me as I was trying to finish my coffee. Hindi ko na pinansin pa iyon kasi kung saan-saan na naman pupunta iyong imagination ko. I just kept myself busy with my phone habang ka-text ko si Jana.

Jana: do you think you two will hook up again?

Cerise: I don’t know why

Jana: nothing curious lang. Do you think possible na sa reception ng wedding?

Cerise: Gaga

Jana: don’t tell me hindi mo naisip yon!

Cerise: Hindi ko naisip gaga ka

Cerise: What if mahuli kami

Jana: so hindi kayo magllock? Kinky

Cerise: My god, Jana. Have some self-control or call your boyfriend because clearly you’re horny

“What?” sabi ko nang makita ko na nakatingin sa akin si Pablo nang magangat ako ng tingin.

Bahagyang umiling siya. “Nothing.”

“That was Jana,” I said. “She was with me the last time I went to your bar,” dugtong ko.

He nodded. “Didn’t see her.”

“Well, yeah… I mean, we were busy doing something else,” casual na sabi ko. Right. I needed to act casually. Yes, we had sex. Yes, I immensely enjoyed it. No, I was not about to act like he’s my boyfriend just because we exchanged bodily fluids.

Until he verbally asks me to be his girlfriend or to be exclusive or whatever, I’m gonna act like the free agent that I am—of course hindi kasama iyong ngayong araw because he’s my boyfriend for the day.

Also, bakit ba ang advance ko magisip? Dito talaga ako madadale, e.

I looked at him and he just gave me a curt nod.

“What? You didn’t enjoy it?” I asked, my brow slightly arched.

Bahagya siyang humalakhak. “Of course I did.”

“I mean, you can say you didn’t enjoy,” casual na sabi ko.

“Did you enjoy?” diretsong tanong niya habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko.

I looked directly into his eyes, too. He couldn’t beat me in this game. I once stared down a director of one of the shoots. He was being such an asshole to one of the models. I stared at him until he cried. Until now, he refused to work with me. Bahala siya sa buhay niya.

“I did enjoy,” I replied.

“You’re welcome,” he said.

“I didn’t say thank you,” sagot ko na may maliit na ngiti. “I’m done with my coffee,” dugtong ko bago ako tumayo at kinuha iyong bag ko.

“I’ll carry that,” sabi niya.

“No, it’s fine,” sabi ko. “Malayo ba iyong pinag-park-an mo?”

“No, just outside.”

“So, I’ll carry this. Malapit lang pala.”

“Yes, but I insist,” he said in such a way na napatingin ako sa kanya habang nakatayo siya sa harap ko. There’s really something about him… Maybe it’s his face… or his demeanor… or the fact that he was towering over me.

Over all, he’s just so hot.

Wala na akong nasabi pa at tahimik na ibinigay ko na lang sa kanya iyong bag ko. Nauna siyang maglakad sa akin. Akala ko ay didiretso na siya palabas, but he held the door open for me.

“What?” he asked nang mapansin niya na medyo natigilan ako.

“Nothing,” I replied, shaking my head.

Hindi na siya nagsalita pa. Hindi ko alam kung alin ang sasakyan niya rito kaya naman hinintay ko siya. He got out his key fob and a white Audi Q9 unlocked. Naglakad kami papunta roon. Binuksan niya iyong likod at saka inilagay iyong bag ko roon.

“I thought you’d open the car door for me, too.”

Tumingin siya sa gawi ko sandali habang binubuksan niya iyong makina ng sasakyan. “I normally would, but you look a little freaked out when I held the door.”

“I was not freaked out.”

“Weirded out, then,” sabi niya. His hands were on the steering wheel. He turned to look at me. Bakit ang gwapo niya kahit ano ang gawin niya? How was this fair for me?

“I am not.”

“Good,” he said with a small smile. “Because those are just small gestures. Those shouldn’t be surprising at all. If a guy doesn’t treat you that way, dump him.”

Natawa ako. “Wise words.”

“True.”

“Were you always like that?”

Umiling siya habang nagsisimulang mag-drive. “No,” sabi niya. “The one you’re talking to right now took a couple of fine tuning,” pabirong sabi niya.

“So, you’re saying that you were an asshole before?”

“Not a proud one, though.”

“What changed?”

He shrugged. “Nothing.”

“So, you just woke up one day and decided to be the perfect gentleman?”

Natawa siyang bahagya. “Oh, god, no,” sagot niya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung titingin ba ako sa sideprofile niya o sa kung paano siya mag-drive—both were ridiculously interesting to watch, if I may say so.

“So, what changed?”

“I have a younger sister,” sabi niya sa akin. “We’re not close because of the age gap. But one day, I visited home. She was crying. Apparently, some boy broke her heart. Then she told me all of the things he did to her. That was like a slap on my face.”

“That she was practically describing you?”

He shrugged and didn’t give a straight response.

“Exactly how bad were you before?” tanong ko habang medyo nakatagilid na sa pagkakaupo para nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. I normally hated being stuck in the middle of traffic, but this time, parang okay lang. Para at least mas humaba iyong usapan namin. Sure ako mamaya na hindi ko siya masyadong makakausap.

“I won’t talk shit about myself,” natatawang sabi niya.

“Oh, so that bad, huh?”

“Not really,” sabi niya. “But could be better, to be completely honest.”

Tumango-tango na lang ako. I looked at him. He was wearing a white Fred Perry polo shirt na may blue lining sa sleeves. Kahit sa outfit pa lang papunta sa Bataan, ready na talaga siya. Sino kaya mga naging girlfriend nito? Ganito rin kaya siya sa kanila?

“Enough about me,” sabi niya. “Tell me about yourself.”

“You basically know my life story.”

“Surely your life doesn’t revolve around your tragic love life.”

I feigned a shock. “That was not tragic.”

“Sure,” sabi niya. “You scoured Manila to look for a date because you didn’t want to go alone.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but it’s not because it was tragic—more like a pride thing, you know?”

He shrugged. “I still don’t understand why you care a lot about what they think.”

“Good for you,” sabi ko.

“Why?”

“Because it’s one of those things that I know I shouldn’t care about, but I still do, you know?” sabi ko na nagbuntong-hininga. “I just have to have their validation. I don’t know. Hard to explain.”

Umayos na ako ng upo. Nakita ko na tumingin siya sa akin.

“Can I connect my phone? Magpapatugtog lang ako,” I said.

“Yeah, sure,” I said.

I tried to connect my phone to his car. I didn’t know what to feel kasi may mga pangalan na nakaconnect doon. May mga pangalan ng lalaki, pero mas madami iyong sa babae. And I knew I shouldn’t ask because why would I? And wala rin naman siyang sinabi.

“What do you want me to do later?” he asked after long minutes of silence and music between us.

“Just make them think that I hit jackpot with you and that I’m living the perfect life,” I replied as I looked outside the window and just watched the long and winding road. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 08 on Patreon (patreon.com/beeyotch). Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories.

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Chapter 06

Chapter 06

The rest of the ride was quiet—although not totally since may music naman in between us. Ang naguusap naman kami and I was actually good at small talks because of my work, so there’s that.

“We’re near,” sabi niya. “Where are we going exactly?” he asked when we were thirty minutes away.

“There’s a hotel somewhat near. We can check-in to rest since later pa naman ’yung ceremony,” sabi ko sa kanya. “If you want a separate room, it’s fine. I’ll pay.”

He threw me a quick glance like he was finding the conversation amusing.

“What?” tanong ko.

“I’m fine with one room.”

I nodded. “Okay. I’ll book na,” sabi ko tapos ay kinuha ko iyong cellphone ko at pupunta na sana ako para i-search iyong site nung hotel when Pablo called my attention. “What?”

“Here,” sabi niya sabay kuha nung wallet niya. He got something and then I realized that he was handing me his credit card.

“Why are you giving me this?” I asked, a bit confused.

“You said you’re booking the room.”

“I know. And I invited you here, so I’ll pay.”

“I’ll pay,” sabi niya.

“No, it’s fine.”

His eyes were still on the road, but for some reason, I still felt like his eyes were on me—that his attention was on me. It was probably his voice. His voice just gives you that… authoritative feeling. Na para bang kung anuman ang sabihin niya ay mapapa-oo ka na lang.

“I know you can pay for yourself. You don’t have to prove that to me,” sabi niya habang nasa daan pa rin ang mga mata. “I would like to pay for the room, though. Is that fine with you?”

If there’s a short course in flirting and he’s teaching it? Sign me up. I felt like this guy knows what to say and how to say it perfectly.

I quietly gathered myself and shrugged. “Yeah, sure,” kalmadong sabi ko kahit sa totoo lang, ramdam na ramdam ko iyong bilis ng tibok ng puso ko dahil lang sa simpleng sinabi niya. It’s not even about him paying for the room… but more about how he said it? Grabe.

“Here,” sabi niya nang iabot ulit sa akin iyong credit card niya.

“Aren’t you scared, though? Giving your credit card to me?”

“Why not? You’re my girlfriend.”

I felt myself blushing. “Yeah. For today.”

He shrugged. “Still,” sabi niya tapos ay tinapunan ako ng mabilis na tingin at bahagyang ngumiti. He probably also mastered that half-smile—iyon bang nakangiti siya but not really? Hindi ko ma-explain. But he looked really good whenever he does that.

“You’re too trusting,” sabi niya.

“I’m a good judge of character,” sagot niya. “You’re too trusting, too. You’re basically in a stranger’s car.”

I shrugged. “I’m in my boyfriend’s car.”

He grinned. “Precisely.”

“I’m gonna try hard not to memorize your details,” sabi ko habang nag-bubook na ng room.

“So, you’re good with memorization,” he commented.

I shrugged. “Pretty much,” sabi ko. “Need it for my job,” I added. As a creative director, of course I have to be very particular with details. Kailangan tanda ko lahat. I have a list, but I still make sure that I know them by memory para kapag may nakita ako na kulang, I could easily ask for it or if I can do it myself, I’d fix it. Maybe it really is a high-pressure job… I just didn’t really feel the pressure all that much because I like what I was doing.

“Creative director at Premiere, right?”

I nodded. “If they ask you about that, just tell them I boss people around.”

Natawa siyang muli. “Yeah, I’ll tell them that. But what if they ask me if you boss me around, too?”

Tumingin ako sa kanya at bahagyang inarko ang kilay ko. “Do I boss you around?”

He looked at me as he said the words, “You can try.”

Fuck.

Why… was that so hot?

Quickly, I averted my gaze. If hindi lang weird, I would fan myself because that was so… unbelievably hot. Kahit three words lang naman iyong sinabi niya sa akin, it had some kind of effect on me. Shit na lalaki ’to. Mukhang ako pa yata ang delikado sa mga plano ko, ah. I only planned to find a wedding date—hindi ko alam na sakit sa ulo ata ang nahanap ko.

“Do you like being bossed around?”

Instead of answering, he just gave me a quick glance and half-smile. It’s weird how I felt like he’s an open book but at the same time, there were still a lot of unread pages.

Damn. He’s really mastered it. Alam mo ’yun? ’Yung he’s giving you enough to reel you in, and also you feel like there’s still a lot to uncover—enough to make you want to stay.

He should really be teaching a masterclass at this point.

---

Pagdating namin sa hotel, Pablo was the one who checked-in. I was just watching his every movement. Normally, I didn’t like it if a guy takes charge because that feels like an insult for me. But for some reason, I really liked it when Pablo takes the lead. Siguro kasi alam ko na responsible siya? I mean, he’s running a pretty successful business. That speaks a lot. So maybe I just feel more at ease with him? That at the very least, I knew he wouldn’t screw things up.

And… I was overthinking and overanalyzing things again.

“Do you want your keycard or do I hold on to both?” tanong niya after matapos iyong checkin process.

“I’ll take mine,” sabi ko. “I don’t want to risk being locked out of the room.”

“Why will you get locked out?” tanong niya habang naglalakad kami papunta sa may elevator. He was carrying both our bags. Ganito pala iyong feeling na may nagaalaga sa ’yo, noh? Kahit for a day lang. Usually ako lang talaga nagbubuhat ng gamit ko, e. Or iyong boyfriend ni Jana. Alam niya kasi na kapag nakasabit ako sa kanilang dalawa, it’s more of a Jana and me trip at siya iyong totoong third wheel.

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“We’ll be together the whole day, so you won’t get locked out,” casual na sabi niya.

“Still. Who knows, right?”

Nakapasok na kami sa elevator. Luckily for me, kita iyong reflection namin sa elevator door. I saw him looking at my face.

“Do you expect me to bring someone else to our room?” he asked. Our room. Umayos ka nga, Cerise. He was being literal kasi kwarto niyo naman talaga both.

I looked at him and shrugged. “Not saying you will, but if you do… I mean, that’s your life to live.”

He stared at my face for quite a while before I saw him slightly shaking his head. Hindi ko lang mabasa iyong expression sa mukha niya. Was he annoyed? Amused? Ano ba ang nasa isip ng lalaking ’to?

“Sure,” sabi niya na lang nung bumukas iyong pinto at pumasok kami roon. Diretso siyang naglakad. I didn’t know why, but I was just walking behind him.

“Are you pissed?” I asked.

“No,” he replied as he was placing the keycard to unlock the room.

“Okay,” sagot ko. I didn’t want to ask twice.

Bumukas iyong pinto. Tumingin siya sa akin bago buksan iyon. “I told you—I like things simple. If you want something, just ask for it. I don’t like playing games,” he said before he got in and honestly, left me kind of speechless outside the room.

Fuck.

Ayan nga at napagsaraduhan na ako ng pinto!

I knocked. He opened the door. I frowned.

“See? I was locked out,” I said, trying to look cute or whatever kasi feel ko naasar siya nang slight talaga sa akin kanina. Pero para saan ba? Because I insinuated that he’d bring someone back to the room? Because it’s a possibility! Iyang itsura na ’yan? Pretty sure someone at the wedding would be doing some weird shit to get his attention.

He handed me both cards.

“I’m with you for the whole day—I won’t be looking at anyone but you today,” he said.

My lips parted a little. Bahagya akong tumango. “Got that,” sabi ko. “Also, to clear the air, I wasn’t implying that you’ll be cheating or whatever. I mean, since you’re my boyfriend for the day, of course.”

He just nodded. Why did I feel like he’s still like 10% annoyed at me? But he said he like things simple. Should I ask him again? Kaso baka makulitan na siya sa akin.

He walked back in and sumunod ako sa kanya. I saw na pinatong niya sa may chair iyong gamit namin. Good. I hated putting anything dirty sa kama since d’yan ako matutulog.

“Do you want to eat lunch?” I asked since it was already past 12.

“Do you know any good restaurant?” he asked. “Room service is fine with me, too.”

“Room service na lang,” I said since syempre pagod din siya sa pagda-drive.

He nodded. “If you don’t mind, I’ll just strip down to my boxers.”

Napatingin ako agad sa gawi niya. Suddenly, my throat felt dry. Nagawa ko pa rin namang tumango. But alam mo ’yon? My insides were on freaking fire! I mean, we’re in a hotel room and he’s only in his boxers? I wasn’t made of stone!

Nakaupo ako sa may mini couch while waiting for the reception to pick-up the call. But my eyes? My eyes were on Pablo as he was removing his shirt first. Fuck. Does he swim, too? Because that shoulder’s to die for!

“Hello, Ma’am?”

Fuck. May kausap nga pala ako sa phone!

I cleared my throat. Napatingin sa gawi ko si Pablo. There was no expression on his face, but maybe that was just him giving me my chance to save face dahil obvious naman na pinapanood ko siya.

“Hi,” I replied. “Do you have room service?” I asked. “Great. Can we have the menu?”

Nang matapos iyong paguusap namin, thankfully ay tapos na rin siyang maghubad. I felt like my self-control wasn’t that strong para panoorin siya na mag-strip.

But then, he got a white shirt and wore it.

“What?” he asked nang mapansin niya na nakatingin ako sa kanya.

Umiling ako. “Nothing,” I replied. “You just said that you’ll be in boxers, but you’re wearing a shirt.”

There was the amused look on his face once again. “Yeah,” he said. “Thought I might help you out and wear a shirt.”

I felt like my face was on fire. “Excuse me?”

But instead of answering, he just smiled at me again. Oh, fuck this guy. He really knew what he was doing and he’s doing a lot with just a little!

“The church ceremony’s at 2PM, right?”

I nodded. “Yes. Then reception after, but we can skip that.”

“Really? Why?”

I shrugged. “Told you—not a big fan of the family.”

“I know, but since you brought me here and everything, why not attend the reception?” he asked as he sat down on the bed. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin habang nakaupo sa kama. It was the ultimate test of patience.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Just… not a big fan of the people I’ll see there.”

“Okay,” he said. “Do you have anyone you want to avoid talking?”

“Just my titas,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“All of them?”

“Most of them,” sabi ko. “I think they’ll interrogate you.”

Natawa siya. “It’s fine. Used to answering questions.”

“Part of the job?”

“Yes, but also, I like talking to strangers.”

“Why?”

“Sometimes, they end up being very interesting,” sabi niya habang diretsong nakatingin sa mga mata ko. I felt my ears were turning red hindi lang dahil sa mga sinabi niya, pero dahil na rin sa pagtingin niya sa akin. He still wasn’t breaking the eye contact!

Thankfully, the staring competition ended when we heard someone knocking from outside.

“I’ll get it. That’s probably the menu for the room service,” I said as I walked away like I was on fire and I thought I heard him laughing at my reaction. My god, this guy!

**

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Chapter 07

Chapter 07

Dumating na iyong food namin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang biglang sobrang aware ako na pinapanood ni Pablo iyong bawat galaw ko. I wanted to tell him to stop but also… I kinda liked it? Pero ang hassle lang kasi bigla akong na-conscious.

“Wait,” sabi ni Pablo dun sa may nagdala nung food namin. “Thanks,” dugtong niya after niyang abutan ng pera iyong lalaki. Napahinto siya nang nakita niya na nakatingin ako sa kanya. “What?” he asked.

I simply shook my head, but for some reason, he just got like a thousand times hotter in my eyes. One of my rules kasi is never date someone who’s rude to service staff. For me, that just speaks about the character of a person. Ayoko rin sa mga tao na masama ang ugali sa mga matatanda. I mean, given naman na na iyong ibang matanda ay asshole talaga kaya siguro maximum tolerance as much as possible?

“Aren’t you hungry?” tanong niya nang nakaupo na siya.

“I am,” I replied as I sat on the chair adjacent to him.

I took a deep breath before I started eating. For god’s sake, I needed to calm down. He’s just a guy, Cerise—hot, yes, but nonetheless, still just a guy. Hold your freaking horses.

“Are you okay?” he asked nang tumayo ako after a minute.

“Yup,” I replied as I gave him a small smile bago ako naglakad papunta sa CR. Sinubukan ko naman na kumalma dahil wala namang ginagawa iyong tao at kumakain lang, but for heaven’s sake, every time his Adam’s apple would move, it was like the heaven was challenging me. And I was only human!

Huminga lang ako nang malalim at pinakalma iyong sarili ko dahil ayoko naman na magtagal sa CR dahil baka kung ano na ang isipin nun na ginagawa ko roon. Paglabas ko, salamat naman dahil tapos na siyang kumain.

“You’re done eating na?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I was hungry,” sagot niya.

“We could’ve stopped along the way,” sabi ko habang bumabalik sa upuan. Thankfully ay nakatayo na siya ngayon at mukhang may hinahanap sa bag niya.

“I wasn’t that hungry,” sabi niya tapos ay nakita ko na kinuha niya iyong parang hygiene kit niya. Hindi ko alam kung signs of aging na ba ’to kasi ito na iyong mga bagay na hot sa paningin ko—iyong walk-in closet niya, iyong pagiging organized niya, iyong hygiene kit niya. Parang dati magandang ngiti lang okay na ako—iba na ang standards ko ngayon.

Habang nasa CR si Pablo para mag-toothbrush, binilisan kong kumain dahil ayoko na panoorin niya akong kumain. Halos mabulunan ako pero okay lang dahil mas mase-stress ako kung maco-conscious ako na pinapanood niya akong kumain.

Nang lumabas siya ay may hawak siya na towelette and he was drying his face kasi kakatapos niya lang mag-toothbrush.

Damn it—bakit literal na lahat ng gawin niya ay hot sa paningin ko? This must be stopped.

“What?” he asked.

Fuck.

Nahuli na naman akong nakatingin.

I shook my head as casually as I could muster. “Nothing,” I said. “Received a text from my mom. We should be there by 1PM daw for some picture.”

He nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

“Do you think we can be late?”

Tumingin siya sa akin. “Do you want to be late?”

I shrugged. “Undecided that’s why I’m asking you.”

He sat on the bed with the towelette still in his hand. “I don’t want to decide for you,” sabi niya.

“It’s a simple yes or no. “

“Ten years from now, do you think you’ll still feel the same towards your family?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What?”

He shrugged. “Because ten years from now, the photos will remain the same but what you feel might be different.”

“Are you saying yes to my earlier question?”

He shrugged again. “No,” sabi niya. “As I’ve said, I don’t want to decide for you—you’re an adult. Decide for yourself,” dugtong niya. “All I’m saying is sometimes, when you make decisions, think about the bigger picture.”

I groaned. “Stop making sense.”

Natawa siya. “What can I say? I’m a very wise person.”

“Because you’re old,” I said, sticking my tongue.

Natawa ulit siya habang naiiling. “What can I say? I like being old,” sagot niya sa akin.

“Why?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I still feel the same,” sabi niya. “Your 30s is like your 20s but with more money.”

Natawa ako habang napapatango. “You know what? You’re right,” sagot ko sa kanya tapos ay nagusap kami tungkol sa mga ginawa namin nung 20s namin. It was insane how much I enjoy talking to this person—and it was even more insane kung paano hindi napuputol iyong usapan namin. Kung saan-saan na nakarating pero parang hindi kami nauubusan ng topic. Sometimes kasi kapag may kausap ako, it’s more of a conscious effort to keep the conversation flowing. But with him? It just happens naturally hanggang sa hindi mo na alam kung paano kayo nakarating sa topic na ’yon.

Halos ma-late na talaga kami dahil nag-enjoy ako sa pakikipagusap sa kanya. Nag-text lang si Mama kaya naalala ko na kailangan ko na palang maghanda para pumunta ng maaga sa may hotel.

“We need to prep,” sabi ko habang tumatayo.

He nodded. “By the way,” sabi niya habang kinukuha ko iyong isusuot ko na naka-hang. I would just take a quick half-bath since naligo naman ako ako kanina bago kami nagkita sa café. “Do they know that you’re bringing me with you?”

“Of course,” sagot ko.

“Oh, okay,” sabi niya. “Curious tho—what if I didn’t say yes.”

I looked at him and smiled. “Oh, Pablo, we were playing games, but we both knew that you’d say yes,” I said before I let my smile linger a bit longer bago ako naglakad papunta sa CR. Pagsara na pagsara ko nung pinto ay agad akong sumandal doon.

Fuck, bakit ako iyong mabilis ang tibok ng puso? Ang unfair lang, ha!

---

I would’ve taken my sweet time na mag-prepare, but what Pablo said resonated with me. In ten years, may pakielam pa ba ako sa kapatid ko at kay Leo? A lot can happen in ten years—prime example ako. Who would’ve known na mapupunta ako sa kung nasaan man ako ngayon? Baka in ten years ay legitimately wala na talaga akong pakielam kay Leo. Sabi sa akin ni Jana, dadating daw iyong time na magki-cringe na lang ako sa mga iniisip ko kay Leo and Therese. I mean, naniniwala naman ako but definitely hindi pa ngayon iyong time na ’yon. Pablo reminded me of that. Baka in ten years, totally fine na talaga ako. Mas maganda na rin na nasa wedding pictures nila ako. Ang weird naman kung ieedit ko bigla iyong mukha at katawan ko sa wedding pictures.

“I’m—”

Agad akong napatigil sa sasabihin ko nang lumingon si Pablo at tumingin siya sa akin. He was in the middle of adjusting his tie nang magtama ang mga mata namin. I had seen this outfit when he sent me the photo… but seeing it in person was way hotter than the photos he sent me.

“—done…” I finished my sentence when I was able to gather myself.

Pablo didn’t say anything, but I suddenly felt conscious— and hot— as he stared at me from my face down to my shoulders down to my waist down to my legs. I knew that this happened in a second, but ewan ko ba—with him, everything felt like it’s being dragged into fucking hours, it’s insane!

“What?” I asked because the way he was looking at me was making me thirsty at kung kukunin ko iyong complimentary water nung hotel, I’d have to walk past him and it’s not a very good idea at this point.

“Nothing,” he replied with a shake of his head and a small smile.

“Come on, you can tell me that I look good,” sabi ko sa kanya when I finally gathered myself. I was very much aware of the effect he has on me, but it’s only fair na may epekto din sana ako sa kanya, noh. Two can play this game.

“Do I need to tell you that you look good?”

I shrugged. “Oh, I already know, but it won’t hurt to hear it from someone else,” I casually said as I finally walk past him and grabbed that freaking bottled water… pero mukhang maling idea because the moment I walked past him, naamoy ko iyong pabango niya.

Why did he have to smell so good?! I literally had to fight myself dahil ayokong magmukhang weirdo na inaamoy siya.

I tried to drink just to have something to do, but mukhang nagmamadali ata ako, so when I took a sip, a bit of the water just fell through the side of my mouth. Great! Mukha na talaga akong tanga ngayon!

“Are you that thirsty?” he asked, a bit amused, nang bigla akong nabulunan sa iniinom ko. I swear to heavens, halos mamatay na ako dahil sa pagkabigla sa tanong niya sa akin. Ganon ba ako ka-obvious?!

“Cerise,” he said, his eyes wide open, probably in shock dahil halos bumara iyong water sa lalamunan ko. For a second, he didn’t know what to do. Inabutan niya ako ng tissue and then tinapik-tapik niya iyong likuran ko.

I kept on coughing and took a deep breath after a while. “Thank you,” I said nung nakahinga na ako nang malalim.

“Are you okay?” he asked again, sounding sincerely concerned.

Tumango ako. “Yes, I’m fine,” sabi ko. Fuck, nakakahiya!

Tumango rin siya, but he didn’t look convinced. “Your dress,” turo niya kaya naman napatingin ako sa dress ko. Shit. Medyo basa nga dahil sa tubig.

I was about to panic dahil nag-text na naman si Mama na dapat on the way na kami nung biglang lumabas si Pablo mula sa CR. Ni hindi ko napansin na naglakad pala siya papunta sa CR.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused dahil may hawak siyang blower.

“Drying your dress,” he replied as he plugged the blower on the outlet. He turned the blower on tapos ay tinapat niya sa palad niya na para bang tinitignan niya muna if mainit ba. Nang ma-satisfy siya, tumingin siya sa akin. “What?” he asked innocently.

I knew he said that he didn’t play games and if I wanted anything, I should just outright ask him for it. But with what he’s doing? I didn’t know for sure if he was playing games… or if he was genuinely just like this… And kung ganito nga siya, ganito siya sa lahat ng babae na kilala niya… And I didn’t know what to make of that.

Either way, I knew that this—whatever this was—was all for show, but at this point, he’s genuinely just confusing me. 

**

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Chapter 08

Chapter 08

“Nervous?” tanong ni Pablo nang makarating kami sa hotel. Nandito iyong pamilya ko pati iyong member ng entourage. Hindi naman ako kasama sa entourage ni Therese but since technically we’re siblings, kailangan nandito ako for the family photo.

Umiling ako habang tinitignan ko iyong mukha ko sa may salamin.

“You look great,” sabi niya.

“Thanks,” I replied with a small smile habang nakatingin pa rin sa itsura ko. I was not normally this conscious sa itsura ko. I mean, yes, of course, I needed to look presentable dahil sa trabaho ko, but hindi ganito. Kahit ayoko, naha-heighten iyong anxiety ko dahil sigurado ako na may side comments iyong mga Tita ko kapag nakita nila ako. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ang dami nilang comment sa buhay ko—as if naman may ambag sila.

When I was done making sure that my makeup was on point and that every strand of hair on my head was where they’re meant to be, itinaas ko na iyong salamin.

“You’ll see,” sabi ko sa kanya nang mapansin ko na nakatingin siya sa akin.

“See what?”

“Why I’m acting like this.”

“Acting like what?”

“A bit obsessed with appearance,” sabi niya.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. “You’re not.”

“Really?” I asked. “Because I just spent ten minutes staring at my reflection even though nagayos na ako kanina sa hotel room,” I added. Gosh, the hotel room. The amount of self-control I had not to jump on him nung bino-blowdry niya iyong damit ko.

Sabi ko, strong, independent woman ako…

Sabi ko, I’d never let any man conquer me.

I mean, it still stands true pa rin naman. But perhaps the reason behind that is that I’ve been at the lowest of the low—at ayoko ng bumalik pa roon. I guess I just don’t trust anyone enough to let go of the control. There’s this thought kasi na kapag iba ang gagawa, what if they mess up? What if I go back to that lowest of low? Ayoko. I refuse. That’s why I’d been independent for so long. I do my own shit; I buy what I want. I just can’t depend on anybody.

But this guy?

Ewan ko…

Not saying that I’d give up control and let myself depend on him—but it’s just that so far, he’s showing me how dependable he could be. So, siguro hindi ako strong, independent woman in the strictest sense. Perhaps, I’m selectively-dependent. I would only depend on you once you prove yourself to me that I can depend on you.

Fuck.

Kung anu-ano na naman ang naisip ko just because he was staring at me!

“I don’t think that,” sabi niya habang nakatingin pa rin sa akin. He was staring at me so much so that he was starting to make me overthink again kaya naman ako na iyong kusang nagiwas ng tingin. I drew a deep breath.

“Let’s go,” I said instead as I unlocked the door and got out of his car.

It had been so long since I last went here. Tuwing pinapauwi ako, lahat talaga ng rason ay ibibigay ko sa kanila para lang hindi ako makapunta. Sometimes, when I truly was tired with work, I wouldn’t even bother to open their messages. Sabi ko na lang kila Mama na kung gusto nila akong makita, they’re free to see me sa Manila. It’s not as if kailangan pa nilang sumakay ng barko para makita ako. So far, kapag birthday ni Papa ay nasa Manila sila. Papa likes me—he’d never tell me, but feel ko ako iyong paborito niya sa aming dalawa ni Therese. Tahimik lang talaga kaya wala siyang masabi sa mga matatabil ang dila na kamaganak namin.

Agad akong napatingin kay Pablo nang maramdaman ko na hinawakan niya iyong kamay ko.

“Your hands were shaking,” he said as he was looking down on me because he’s taller than me. Gosh, this height difference between us was making me feel things again.

“Yeah, sorry,” sagot ko dahil hindi ko rin naman pwedeng i-deny.

Instead of answering, I felt him squeezing my hand… and oddly enough, that felt like the best answer he could’ve given me.

I was talking to the receptionist, telling her that we’d proceed to the room na for the pictorial, when I heard someone calling me.

“Tita?” I heard Pablo asked.

Saglit kong pinikit ang mga mata ko at huminga nang malalim. “Tita Josie,” I whispered to Pablo.

“Do we hate her?” he asked.

“Not really,” I whispered. “She’s just unbearable.”

“Got it,” sagot niya habang nakatayo lang siya sa tabi ko.

I plastered a smile on my face first bago ako humarap sa kanya.

“Tita,” I said with a smile.

“Tagal mong hindi nagpakita!” she said. “Umitim ka ata?”

“Tanned, Tita,” I corrected her. “Tumaba po ata kayo,” I replied with a sweet smile.

Nakita ko iyong pagbagsak ng ngiti sa mukha niya. Ang lakas ng loob sabihin na umitim ako. Fine, totoo naman, kasi marami akong outside shoot lately. Besides, I didn’t mind. Naka-sunscreen naman ako religiously. Saka kulay lang naman ’yan—babalik naman ’yan sa dati. Pero bakit nung sinabi ko na tumaba siya, na totoo naman, parang ang sama agad ng ugali ko?

Sabi nga nila, if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.

“Oh, before I forget,” sabi ko dahil baka biglang magsermon siya sa ‘asal’ ko kahit siya naman nagsimula. I looked at Pablo who looked like he was holding his laughter. Ni wala pa kaming isang oras dito, nasimulan na agad ako ni Tita Josie, e!

Tumingin si Tita sa katabi ko. I saw the twinkle in her eyes. I mean, I get it, really. Saka alam ko naman na beforehand na ganito ang magiging reception nila kay Pablo… because same.

“Tita Josie, si Pablo,” I said.

“Good afternoon po,” Pablo said, offering his hand. My god… everything this guy does was so suave talaga. Minsan nakaka-curious lang din kung ilan kaya ang babaeng pinaasa nito? Both consciously and uncounsciously. Ilan kayang babae ang nainlove sa kanya habang umiinom sa bar niya? A rough estimate will do.

I held my chuckle as I stared at Tita Josie because she looked like a love-struck teenager habang tinatanggap niya iyong kamay ni Pablo.

“Good afternoon,” sabi ni Tita Josie na kulang na lang ay mautal. Gwapo ba masyado, Tita?

“Shall I introduce myself?” Pablo asked, looking at me, while still holding my love struck Tita’s hand.

“Tita, boyfriend ko po,” I said with a sweet smile.

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. “Napakagwapo naman ng boyfriend mo! Saan mo ba nakilala? Ihanap mo naman si Christine!” sabi niya tapos ay mabilis na tinawag iyong ibang Tita ko pa na nasa paligid lang pala.

Pablo looked at me and I mouthed, “Good luck.”

As expected, Pablo was interrogated. Ang dami nilang tanong, but I was not worried since alam ko na kung may award lang in real life, pwedeng bigyan ng Best in Small Talk award ’tong tao na ’to, e. Ewan ko ba. Feel ko naman magaling din ako sa ganoon, pero iba talaga iyong sa kanya. Siguro pangit din i-compare kasi gabi-gabi siyang nasa bar at nakakakausap ng iba-ibang tao. Of course he’d be great at it.

“Titas,” sabi ko habang busy pa sila tanungin si Pablo tungkol sa kung may pinsan ba siya na mairereto sa mga pinsan ko. “Pinapaakyat na kami ni Mama para sa picture.”

“Ay talaga ba,” sabi ni Tita Ingrid. “Iwan mo na lang si Pablo dito,” pabiro niyang dugtong.

I looked at Pablo who just gave a small laugh. Bentang-benta naman ’tong tao na ’to. Siguro kung fiesta sa amin, baka maaya pa ’tong mag-escort kahit matanda na, e.

“Mamaya na lang po,” sabi ko bago kami naglakad palayo. I felt him gently putting his hand on the small of my back as we were walking away. He wasn’t touching-touching me—his touch was barely there. Ewan. It felt like he still wanted to be respectful even though we’ve done more than touching.

“Pagod ka na ba?” I asked as we were walking towards the elevator.

“Not really,” he replied as he pressed the button. “Took a nap earlier.”

“This will be a long day,” sabi ko. “Do you want coffee?”

Umiling siya. “Already had my coffee earlier.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“Is your mom the same?”

“No, not really,” sabi ko. “Quietly judging siguro.”

He slowly nodded his head. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” he asked.

I shrugged. It’s neither… I believed. I care about my mom’s opinion, of course, but would I let that dictate the way I live my life? Nope. At most, it would just give me anxiety na madali namang mawawala dahil busy ako sa trabaho ko. Probably why I really love my job—it keeps the demons in my head at bay.

The elevator door opened and he let me step in first bago siya pumasok. Nung makapasok kami ay nakita ko na pinapanood pala kami ng mga Tita ko. I smiled at them and gave a small wave. Nakita ko na nginitian din sila ni Pablo.

“If they live in Manila, best believe that they’ll frequent your bar,” sabi ko at narinig ko iyong mababa niyang pagtawa.

The elevator quickly opened at the fourth floor. Muli akong huminga nang malalim. I looked at Pablo who was already looking at me. Fuck. I hated that I could hear my heart beating. This was crazy knowing that I only met him literally a few days ago.

“Let’s go?” he asked when we stayed there long enough for the elevator door to automatically close.

I nodded as I took a deep breath. “Yup. Let’s do this.”

In true Pablo fashion, he let me walk out of the elevator first. Pansin ko rin na kapag naglalakad kami sa gilid ng kalsada (although one time pa lang naman nangyari), doon ako sa pavement tapos doon siya sa may malapit mga sasakyan. Ewan. It’s a small thing, pero para sa tao na deprived sa small thing, it felt like a big thing.

Naglakad kami at huminto kami sa harap nung kwarto na sinabi ni Mama. Tumingin ako kay Pablo.

“Let’s get this over with,” I said.

He chuckled. “We’re at a wedding, not a funeral,” sabi niya na naiiling at saka kumatok sa pintuan. He probably read my mind kasi wala akong balak kumatok at baka ilang minuto na nakatayo lang kami dito hanggang kusang maramdaman nila Mama na nandito kami sa labas.

“Ate Ce,” sabi ni Ana nung buksan niya iyong pinto. I just gave her a small nod. Ito iyong best friend ni Therese na tuwang-tuwa nung nagpublic reveal na si Therese at Leo. Ewan ko ba kung bakit bwisit na bwisit ako sa babaeng ’to kahit makita ko lang.

I didn’t bother to talk to her dahil sayang sa energy. I just stepped inside. I was conscious that Pablo was right behind me. I looked around at agad kong nakita si Therese na kinukuhanan na ng picture nung photographer. Nandoon din si Mama na pinapanood iyong paborito niyang anak.

“Pa,” I called Papa, pero lahat sila ay tumingin sa akin. I saw how Mama looked at me, relieved, dahil akala niya ata ay hindi talaga ako aattend. I mean, gets naman, dahil may history ako na biglang hindi dumadating sa mga family gathering. And then Therese. I saw how she smiled when she saw me and then when her eyes drifted to Pablo, kumunot ang noo niya at saka sumimangot siya. Problema nito?

Mabilis na lumapit sa akin si Mama at si Papa, pero si Therese ay hindi makaalis dun kasi nakaupo siya saka hindi pa tapos iyong photographer na kuhanan siya ng pictures.

“Napakatagal mo naman makaakyat,” sabi agad ni Mama. Never mind na mula pa ako sa Manila at ang tagal na nung huli niya akong nakita.

“Ayaw kami paalisin nila Tita kanina,” I replied. Nakita ko na nakatingin si Papa kay Pablo. I drew another deep breath. “Ma, Pa, si Pablo po,” I added.

I looked at Pablo drew out his smile. Kung may personification lang siguro ang million dollar smile, itong ngiti ng lalaki na ’to, e. Ilang magulang na kaya na-meet nito? Para kasing kabisado niya na kung ano ang gagawin, e.

“Good afternoon,” he said, offering his hand to my dad first.

Mama was looking at me with her brows furrowed. “What? Sinabi ko naman na dadalhin ko boyfriend ko,” I told her kasi bakit ganyan itsura niya? Pasalamat nga siya nakilala ko si Pablo, e. She didn’t know how close I was to hiring an actual escort para lang may makasama ako ngayon.

“Gaano na kayo katagal?” Mama asked, her brow still arched na akala mo ay teenager pa ako. Siya lang ang nagtanong pero ramdam ko na nakaabang iyong buong suite sa sagot ko. Nandito kasi iyong bridal party aka iyong mga kunsintidor na barkada ni Therese.

Instead of answering, I looked at Pablo. “How long has it been?” I asked. My peripheral vision was good that I was able to see the looks of envy sa mga kaibigan ni Therese. I hated how this was giving me so much satisfaction. Bakit ba affected ako sa mga batang ’to?

“Four going five months,” Pablo replied. “Hi po,” he added, looking at Mama and giving his usual charming smile.

As usual, walang tanong si Papa dahil tahimik lang naman talaga siya. Si Mama naman ay kulang na lang matunaw si Pablo sa sama ng tingin. Ano kaya ang problema niya? At the very least, if ever, mabibigyan ko siya ng gwapo o magandang apo, noh. Kung natanggap nga niya si Leo na papakasalan ni Therese, ’di hamak naman si Pablo, noh.

“Go. I’ll be fine,” Pablo said nung tawagin ako nung photographer dahil ‘sibling shot’ na raw iyong kukuhanan ng pictures.

I left Pablo there. Matanda na siya saka sure naman ako na kaya niya na iyong sarili niya. Naglakad na lang ako diretso papunta doon sa kwarto kung saan iyong pictorial.

“Akala ko hindi ka pupunta, Ate,” sabi ni Therese.

“Bakit naman hindi?” I replied as I stood beside her. I ignored the fact na ngayon ko lang napansin na kaya pala pamilyar iyong suot niya… Iyan iyong design ng dream wedding gown ko noon na pinakita ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung coincident lang ba o pareho lang talaga kami ng taste.

“Nice gown,” sabi ko habang nakangiti dahil nagsimula na iyong shoot.

Ngumiti siya. “Thank you, Ate.”

I didn’t mention nor ask for it. Useless naman dahil nagiba na iyong ‘dream’ wedding gown ko. Of course hindi niya alam ’yon dahil hindi niya naman alam na kung ano ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. Best decision talaga na umalis ako rito. Best decision to build a wall and to protect my peace of mind.

“Boyfriend mo siya, Ate?” Therese asked while looking at Pablo who was now talking to some of Therese’s friends na halatang kilig na kilig. Enjoy niyo lang ’yan, kids, kasi mamaya sa akin lang ’yan nakadikit.

“Yes,” I replied at sakto naman na tumingin sa gawi namin si Pablo na para bang naramdaman niya na pinaguusapan namin siya. Our eyes met and he smiled at me. “Thank you,” I added as I was in a staring competition with Pablo. Ramdam ko na napatingin sa akin si Therese. “I wouldn’t have met him if you didn’t get together with Leo. Everything happens for a reason talaga, noh?” I continued as I turned my eyes on the camera and smiled for the picture. 

**

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Chapter 09

Chapter 09

After what felt like forever, finally ay nakaupo na rin ako. Ganito pala iyong feeling ng mga model. It was exhausting to smile for the camera. Hindi ko alam kung isang buong album ba iyong gusto ni Therese dahil sa hotel room pa lang mismo, ang dami ng kinuha na litrato.

“Are you okay?” tanong ko kay Pablo nung maupo ako.

He nodded. “Yes,” sagot niya tapos ay inabutan ako ng bottled water. “Are you tired? It looks exhausting.”

Bahagya akong natawa dahil parang nabasa niya iyong nasa isip ko. “Yeah, a little,” sabi ko sa kanya. I debated if I’d apologize again and just decided on just doing it dahil medyo nahiya talaga ako sa asal ni Mama kanina. “I’m sorry.”

Tumingin siya sa akin at bahagyang kumunot ang noo. “For what?” he asked.

“The incident.”

“What incident?”

“Iyong kanina?” I told him, but he was still looking at me na para bang hindi niya alam kung ano iyong binabanggit ko. “The picture,” I added.

Recollection crossed his face. “Oh, that.”

I nodded. “Yes, that. I apologize.”

“What for?” sabi niya. “I wasn’t offended.”

Hindi ako nakasagot. I mean, if you’ll think about it technically, wala naman sigurong nakaka-offend talaga… kasi at one point, may point din naman talaga si Mama. Pero on the other hand, ang daming kinuhang picture! Ano ba naman ’yung isang picture na kasama namin si Pablo. Hindi naman nila alam na fake lang iyong relationship namin. What if magkatuluyan kami talaga sa future? E ’di may family picture na kami. Kung hindi naman, e ’di sunugin. Ang dali-daling gawan ng paraan, e.

“Yes, but still, that wasn’t very nice.”

Tumingin siya sa akin at bahagyang ngumiti. I’d admit that I was slightly taken aback when he tousled my hair. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko. And also… that felt nice? For some reason? Kahit ginulo niya nang kaunti iyong buhok ko?

“Oh, I’m sorry,” sabi niya nung na-realize niya na nagulo iyong buhok ko.

Instinctively, napahawak din ako sa buhok ko. And because of that, nahawakan ko iyong kamay niya. My hand was resting on top of his. Tapos ay sakto na nagtama ang mga mata namin. Mabilis kong inalis iyong kamay ko. Bahagya siyang natawa dahil sa nakakatawang reaksyon ko.

Mukhang tanga.

We literally did way more than this kaya bakit ba ako umaakto na parang teenager na first time lang mahawakan ang kamay? Nakaka-stress ka talaga around Pablo, Cerise!

“But seriously, it’s fine,” sabi niya. “I’m not easily offended.”

Slowly, I nodded. “Okay,” I replied and then grunted when I heard my name being called again. Tumayo ako at lalakad na sana pabalik doon. I didn’t know why I was being called kasi tapos na kami sa pictorial. I turned to look at Pablo who was sitting innocently.

“What?” Pablo asked, his forehead creased when I offered him my hand.

I cocked my head to the side. “Tara,” I said.

He looked at me like he was confused sa kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari, nevertheless, he accepted my hand and stood up. Magkahawak iyong mga kamay namin habang naglalakad papunta sa may photographer na nagsisimula ng mag-packup ng mga gamit niya.

“Kuya,” I called. Tumingin siya sa akin. “Favor? Pwede pakuha ng shot sa amin?” I asked nicely since technically, hindi naman na part ng trabaho niya ’to. Also, I asked with a smile. Usually, you’ll get what you ask for basta maayos mo lang sabihin. I thought this was like a common knowledge na, but with the amount of entitled people I met over the course of my life? Apparently, it’s not so common for people to ask nicely.

Nang pumayag si Kuya, pumwesto kami ni Pablo sa may harap ng camera. That was when I saw that apparently, the whole room was watching us. I just shrugged it off. At this point, naubos na iyong energy ko kaka-ngiti kanina and sinabi naman ni Pablo na he wasn’t offended or anything, so clearly, it was a non-issue.

I guess gusto ko lang ng photo for only one reason—remembrance when this is all over.

“How do we do this?” Pablo asked, leaning a bit on my side na para bang sinusubukan niyang bumulong sa tenga ko.

“Just hold me, I guess,” I replied kasi it’s not as if professional photoshoot ’to na kailangan ng creative direction.

I didn’t know why I was a bit surprised nang bigla kong maramdaman iyong pagkabig ni Pablo sa bewang ko gayong ako naman iyong nagsabi sa kanya na gawin niya ’yon. Still, the way my lips parted showed how surprised I was na tipo na napaangat ako ng tingin sa gawi niya at tumingin din siya sa gawi ko.

“What?” he asked while our eyes were still on each other.

“Nothing,” I managed to reply while I was still hearing the shots being taken.

Okay… I’d probably ask for the blow by blow shot of this scene.

“Yup,” I replied as I was slowly nodding. Ibinalik ko iyong tingin ko sa camera and finally, smiled.

---

After nung photoshoot ay sinabi sa amin nung coordinator na kailangan ng magpunta sa simbahan. Nandun na rin daw si Leo. Hindi ko naman sinasadya pero napatingin ako sa gawi ni Therese nung eksaktong moment na sabihin iyon nung coordinator.

“What?” I asked because she was busy watching my face instead na makinig sa instruction nung coordinator niya.

“Wala,” sagot niya sa akin.

Kumunot ang noo ko, but I didn’t make any further comment dahil ayoko rin naman siyang kausap. Sobrang weird lang talaga… I could still remember dati na tuwing may mangyayari sa akin, siya ang una kong gustong sabihan. Dalawa lang kasi kaming magkapatid. Wala rin akong masyadong kaibigan sa school kasi masyado kong sineryoso iyong pagiging focused sa acads. Hindi ko rin ka-close mga pinsan ko for some reason. It was just Therese and I, but I was completely fine with it. She was my sister and my best friend. I’d tell her anything and be sure that she’d guard my secret with her life.

Pero ngayon? Whenever I’d look at her, all I could think about was betrayal.

Funny how things can change just like that.

“Ate,” pagtawag niya sa akin nung humakbang ako palayo sa kanya para puntahan sana si Pablo. Huminto ako at tumingin lang sa kanya. “Sama ka sa bridal car.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What?”

“Kayo ni Mama,” sabi niya. “Samahan niyo ako sa sasakyan.”

“Paano si Papa?” I asked kasi alangan namang magsiksikan kami sa likod nung sasakyan? Saka kasama ko si Pablo. Ang weird naman if magisa siyang magda-drive papunta sa may simbahan.

“Sabay siya kina Tito,” Therese replied.

“Wag na,” I said. “Dapat sila Mama kasama mo.”

“Sige na, Ate? Hindi na rin tayo nagkakasama, e,” she replied.

“No,” I said. “Besides, may kasama ako.”

Tumingin si Therese sa gawi ni Pablo. Napairap ako nung makita ko na kausap nung epal na kaibigan ni Therese si Pablo. Ano naman kaya ang sinasabi nung babae na ’yon?

“Please?” sabi niya.

I looked at Therese and again said, “No.”

She began to frown. And like it was on fucking cue, Mama was to the rescue. Tinanong niya kung ano ang problema at bakit nakasimangot ang kapatid ko.

“Gusto ko sana na kasama si Ate sa sasakyan papunta sa simbahan…” she said. Sobrang talent talaga. Paano kaya ’yung ganon? Na parang sobrang inosente mo kapag nagsasalita?

“And I said no,” sabi ko ulit for the fourth time. “Si Papa dapat dun. And may kasama ako.”

Tumingin sa akin si Mama at hindi pa siya nagsasalita, pero alam ko na agad kung ano ang sasabihin niya.

“Sumama ka na,” she said like I was a child and I had no choice but to follow what she said.

“May kasama ako, Ma. Nakakahiya kung iiwan ko siya.”

“Kapatid mo si Therese at ikakasal siya ngayon,” Mama said like what I said didn’t make any sense at all—na iwanan ko na lang si Pablo na wala namang kakilala dito sa Bataan kung hindi ako.

I looked at Therese who was looking all innocent. Fuck her. Bakit ba lahat na lang ng bagay nakukuha niya? She’s not even doing anything but have the people around her do it for her!

Briefly, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Fine,” I replied through gritted teeth—making sure that they knew na hindi ako masaya sa desisyon ko. I turned my back on them and just walked up straight to Pablo. “Excuse me,” sabi ko kay Ana na baka kung anu-ano na ang sinasabi kay Pablo. Tumayo ako sa harapan niya at saka humarap kay Pablo. “They’re making me ride in the bridal car.”

“Oh,” sabi niya.

“Will you be fine?”

He nodded. “Yes. I’ll probably just follow the other cars.”

“Okay…”

“Are you fine?” he asked, looking at me like he really was worried.

Umiling ako. “No,” sabi ko sa kanya. “I told them that you’re with me and it’ll be impolite if I’ll just leave you to drive alone,” I continued. “And I know you’ll be fine,” dagdag ko dahil nakita ko na sasabihin niya na ’wag ko siyang alalahanin. “But the fact still stands na alam naman nila na someone’s with me, but they didn’t care.”

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napaawang ang labi ko nang kabigin niya ako at yakapin—right where everyone’s watching us. Pero kahit na gustuhin ko mang tignan ang reaksyon nila, hindi ko magawa because my face’s right against his chest.

“Just breathe,” he whispered.

“I’m fine,” I replied.

“Okay, but still, breathe,” sabi niya sa akin. “It’s not worth getting stressed over.”

“It’s like they don’t respect me at all.”

“Maybe they don’t,” sabi niya sa akin. “But you don’t like them anyway, so really, does it matter?”

I nodded against his chest and sighed. My eyes widened when I felt him kissing the top of my head. Again. Nasa kwarto pa rin kami at kahit hindi ko nakikita, sigurado ako na nakatingin lahat sa amin.

“I’ll see you in the church, okay?”

I nodded. “I’ll be the one in blue.”

I felt him chuckling. “And I’ll be the one in the matching shade of blue.”

Natawa rin ako tapos ay hinigpitan ko iyong yakap sa kanya bago bumitiw. And true enough, everyone was watching us like we’re some freaking movie.

“Don’t mind them,” Pablo whispered once again. “Just breathe, okay?”

I looked into his eyes and nodded. Funny how this man who was basically a stranger a few days ago can manage to calm me down.

---

Sumakay ako sa bridal car gaya ng gusto ni Therese. Si Papa, doon sumakay kasama sa mga Tita ko. Sobrang unfair kasi si Papa iyong nagpakahirap para bayaran iyong parte ni Therese sa kasal na ’to tapos wala siya dito.

“Ate,” pagtawag ni Therese sa akin. Naiwan kaming dalawa. Lumabas si Mama para i-check ang kung anuman. At this point, gusto ko na lang umalis na at bumalik sa Maynila.

“What?”

“Alam ko late na ’to… At mali iyong timing ko… Pero okay ka lang ba?”

Tumingin ako sa kanya at kumunot ang noo. “What?” I asked again because seriously, masyado bang hectic magplano ng kasal dahil kung anu-ano na ang sinasabi niya.

“Iyong kay Leo—”

“What about him?” I asked bago pa man siya matapos sa sasabihin niya. “If it’s about before, I clearly told you that I’m over it already. Nakilala mo naman si Pablo kanina, ’di ba? Mukha bang hindi pa ako nakaka-move on?”

I knew it was such an asshole move to compare Leo kay Pablo, but if I were being honest about it, mas gwapo naman ng ’di hamak si Pablo kay Leo. I mean, Leo looks good din naman, but it’s nothing compared to Pablo. And ito talaga iyong dahilan kung bakit hindi talaga ako papayag na pumunta dito na walang kasama. Paano pa kung hindi ko kasama si Pablo? E ’di mas pagmumukhain nila na hindi pa ako nakaka-move on?

“Alam ko, pero—”

“No, hindi mo alam,” I said, cutting her off again because I really hated it when she talks as if alam niya iyong nangyayari sa buhay ko. Maybe before, yes. Pero ngayon? She didn’t know me nor my life. And I intend for things to stay that way.

“Ate—”

Binuksan ko iyong pinto. I looked at her. She was still sporting that fucking innocent face that I grew to really resent.

“I’m going to get out of this car and go to my boyfriend,” sabi ko habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya. “And you, you go get married to Leo—the man you love, so you told me before,” dugtong ko. “And seriously… have a happy life, Therese.”

Maybe if she’s finally truly happy, she’d stop trying to steal what’s mine… because it’s starting to feel like it.  

**

This story is already at Chapter 14 on Patreon (patreon.com/beeyotch). Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories.

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Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Paglabas ko pa lang ng sasakyan ay si Pablo na agad ang unang hinanap ng mga mata ko. I just didn’t want to leave him by himself. Alam ko na matanda na siya and that he could handle himself, but still, I was the one who invited him here. To an extent, I felt responsible for him. Besides, na-try ko na na pumunta sa events na ako lang magisa at walang kasama. Granted na kaya ko naman ang sarili ko, still, company would’ve been nice.

Patingin-tingin ako sa paligid nung instead na si Pablo ang makita ko ay nakita ko si Stephen, iyong pinsan slash best friend ni Leo.

“Cerise,” pagtawag niya sa akin.

I gave him an awkward smile. “Hi,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Okay naman kami ni Stephen. Hindi siya asshole. Hindi rin siya mabait. Actually, hindi ko alam kung paano siya i-describe. It’s just that when the thing with Leo and Therese happened, he was one of the people ‘in the know.’ So when I went to Manila, isa siya sa mga tao na iniwasan ko. Ang dami kong iniwasan na tao kasi ang dami rin nila na nagtago sa akin sa mga nangyari between Leo and Therese.

Looking back, I felt so alone… like everyone hated me enough para pagkaisahan nila ako. Kasi sino ba ang gagawa nung ganon, ’di ba? I was hurt real bad that I went to Manila despite not knowing anyone there. But it’s fine. It’s all in the past. Okay na okay na ako ngayon.

“Akala ko hindi ka pupunta.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Why not? Kapatid ko ’yung bride.”

His lips parted a bit na para bang nabigla siya sa paraan ng pagsagot ko. Kung sabagay… It had been ages since we last talked. Ni hindi ako umaattend ng mga reunion dahil ganoon iyong level na ayoko silang makita. Iyong version ng Cerise sa utak niya ay ibang-iba na sa kaharap niya ngayon.

“If you’ll excuse me,” sabi ko nung makita ko iyong sasakyan ni Pablo na magpapark pa lang. I knew I could’ve done more damage and told him na pupuntahan ko iyong boyfriend ko, but I felt like that would’ve been too much…

Besides, makikita din naman nila kami. And chismosa iyong mga Tita ko. I’d trust na hindi pa rin sila nagbabago at alam na ng lahat ng tao sa simbahan na may kasama akong lalaki.

Nang malapit na ako sa sasakyan ni Pablo ay sakto naman na bumukas iyong pintuan at lumabas siya.

God… I wanted his confidence.

The way he walks? It’s like he owns the place. Could this guy be ever be intimdated? Nakaka-curious lang what it will take to intimidate a guy like him.

“Got caught in traffic,” sabi niya.

“It’s fine,” I replied. “Kakadating ko lang.”

“Oh, great.”

“Why?” I asked kasi parang relieved siya.

“I want to be standing right beside you when you see your ex.”

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Oh.”

Bahagya namang kumunot ang noo niya. “I mean, that was the point, right? For you bringing me here?” he asked, looking at me like he was a bit confused sa reaksyon ko.

I quickly gathered myself. Masyado na akong natuwa sa presensya niya. Iyon nga pala talaga iyong dahilan kung bakit siya nandito. I mean, bakit ba nagulat pa ako e sobrang clear naman right from the beginning na iyon ang dahilan kung bakit sobrang kapal ng mukha ko when I approached him? I really didn’t waste any time when I asked him to be my date for the wedding.

“Of course,” I said with a smile. “But for the record, he’s not my ex.”

He shrugged. “Would you prefer that I call him the guy who broke your heart?”

I frowned at him. “Or just call him by his name?”

He shook his head. “No, thanks.”

Natawa ako dahil ang petty ng pagkakasabi niya. Sabay kaming naglakad papunta sa loob. He wasn’t holding my hands or anything. And that would feel a bit weird, to be honest. But the fact that he was walking right beside me? That felt so nice already. Na hindi ako magisa na naglalakad dito. That even if some eyes were obviously on us, it’s fine dahil hindi naman ako magisa at may kasama ako.

Nang papasok na kami sa simbahan, napatingin ako sa kanya when he offered to link my arm with his. Napatingin ako pabalik sa mukha niya. He cocked his head to the side.

“We’re putting on a show, so might as well really commit to it, right?” he said while staring right into my eyes.

I forced a smile as I linked my arm with his. “Right…” sabi ko at huminga ako nang malalim bago naglakad papasok sa simbahan.

Hindi naman ako iyong ikakasal, pero nasa akin iyong tingin ng mga tao. Bakit naman kasi alam nung lahat iyong kwento sa pagitan naming tatlo nila Leo. Ano kaya ang nasa isip nila? Naisip kaya nila na sisigaw ako ng ‘Itigil ang kasal?’ I mean… to be completely fucking honest, never kong naisip na gawin iyon. At most, ang naisip ko ay maglasing lang.

“That’s him, right?”

“Sino?”

“The guy.”

“You mean Leo.”

“Yeah.”

“You can say his name,” sabi ko kay Pablo.

“I know,” sabi niya. “But that’s him, right?”

Tumingin ako sa tinitignan niya. “Yup. Why are you asking?”

He shrugged. “Curiosity,” he said. “Is this the first time you’re seeing him again?”

“No,” sagot ko sa kanya. “I see him sometimes on family dinners.”

Naramdaman ko na napatingin sa akin si Pablo. I faked a laugh because it felt so uncomfortable na nakatingin siya sa akin na para bang nakakaawa ako. I mean, kung palit din naman kami ng posisyon, maaawa rin naman ako sa sarili ko. Parang tanga lang kasi, ’di ba? Kahit gustuhin mo na magmove on na sa part na ’yon ng buhay mo, hindi mo magawa kasi parang may constant reminder talaga, e.

“What—” sabi ko nang bigla siyang huminto sa paglalakad at humarap sa akin.

“He’s looking,” he said while fixing the stray hair on my face. Hindi ko narinig kung anuman iyong sinasabi niya dahil naka-focus lang ako sa kung gaano siya kalapit sa akin at sa pakiramdam ng paglapat ng kamay niya sa mukha ko.

God, why did he have to smell so good? Magmumukha akong aso nito dahil gusto ko na lang siyang amuyin, e.

“Does he know that you have a boyfriend?” Pablo asked nang naglalakad na ulit kami papunta sa pwesto namin.

“No, not really,” I said. “We don’t really talk.”

“At all?”

“Yes.”

Instead of answering, he just nodded. Nang makarating kami sa pwesto namin, pinauna niya akong pumasok doon sa may row. I sat down and then he followed me. I almost jumped on where I was sitting when he leaned in to whisper something in my ear.

“We’re together for the day, right?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied, looking in front, and as I was doing that, wala akong choice kung hindi ang mapatingin kay Leo na nakatingin sa akin habang nakadikit halos sa tenga ko iyong bibig ni Pablo.

“I can do whatever a boyfriend does?”

“Yes,” I said while my eyes were locked with Leo.

“Got it,” sagot ni Pablo tapos ay naramdaman ko iyong kamay niya na nakapatong sa hita ko. Agad akong napatingin sa kanya. He was already looking at me, so when I looked at him, our eyes met. He gave me a small smile. “Just one thing,” he said.

“What?” I asked while I was very conscious of the feel of his hand resting on my leg. Fuck. We already fucked, but why was this simple gesture making my heart go wild inside my chest?

“Eyes on me and only me today, Cerise. I don’t share,” he said and then I felt him squeezing my thigh.

My lips parted.

Oh, wow.

I was used to being the ‘aggressive’ one between us—ganito pala ang pakiramdam kapag siya.

He leaned in again. “And stop parting your lips unless you want me to kiss you in front of everyone you know,” he said but all I could think about was how good he smelled.

Shit.

I was in deep shit.

---

Hindi ako nakapag-concentrate sa kasal ni Therese pero ang hindi ko talaga makakalimutan ay kung paano may mga tumingin sa akin nung sinabi ng pari na may tututol ba sa kasal. My god.

“Ms. Cerise,” pagtawag sa akin nung assistant nung wedding coordinator.

“Yeah?” I replied.

“Stay daw po kayo. May pictorial po,” sabi niya sa akin.

I briefly closed my eyes. Hindi na natapos ’tong pagkuha ng litrato na ’to, ha! Dapat pala kanina pa lang ay umalis na kami ni Pablo para pumunta sa reception.

“You’re coming with me,” sabi ko kay Pablo dahil akala niya ata ay mauuna na siya sa reception kagaya nung kanina.

“I am,” he said.

“I thought there’ll be at least some resistance,” sabi ko habang naglalakad kami papunta sa harap.

“I won’t leave you alone around your ex,” sabi niya. “I’d be pretty much useless if I let that happen.”

I bit my lower lip because he just reminded me again na iyon talaga iyong dahilan kung bakit siya nandito. I hated that I felt a bit sad kasi kapag tapos na iyong kasal ni Therese at Leo, I’d have no reason to see him again. Ayoko namang magmukhang desperate if pupunta ako sa bar niya para uminom. Sobrang halata na nun.

Pagdating namin doon sa may altar, sabay na napatingin sa amin sina Therese at Leo. They actually look good together. I hope they’re happy, too, kasi ano naman ang sense na maganda kayong tignan kung hindi naman kayo masaya? You’re fooling no one but yourselves.

Pablo and I stood there and watched habang kinukuhanan sila ng litrato. Nung sinabi nung photographer na family ng bride na, lumapit ako doon.

“Congratulations,” sabi ko kay Therese.

“Thank you, Ate,” she replied with a smile. “Pupunta naman kayo sa reception, ’di ba?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Uuwi din kayo pagkatapos?”

“Yes. I have work and Pablo has a business to run.”

“Ano’ng business niya, Ate?” Therese asked.

“Basta,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil ayoko lang mag-share kay Therese ng kahit na ano tungkol kay Pablo. Alam ko na hindi ko naman totoong boyfriend si Pablo, but this was how it started with Leo, too. Nagtatanong lang dati sa akin si Therese tungkol kay Leo. I thought gusto niya lang na makilala iyong crush ng Ate niya, pero iba na pala.

I’d be a fool if I let that happen again—kahit hindi ko naman talaga boyfriend si Pablo. I didn’t want to give Therese the impression that she could just take anything of mine.

The photographer took a couple of shots.

“Leo,” pagtawag ni Therese kay Leo. “Picture kaming tatlo, Kuya,” sabi niya sa photographer.

Ramdam ko iyong pagtingin ng pamilya nila sa aming tatlo. Open secret naman iyong nangyari dati. Ano ba ang trip nitong babaeng ’to? Bakit kailangan ng picture naming tatlo? It’s not as if close kaming tatlo.

And for some fucking reason, Leo was standing in between us.

Great.

Kulang na lang lagyan kami ng title dito at pwede na kaming teledrama sa gabi.

I was smiling for the photo when I said, “Congratulations,” to Leo.

“Salamat,” sagot niya.

Wala ng nagsalita pa sa aming dalawa pagkatapos nun. Wala naman akong sasabihin sa kanya. Saka paano naman siya magsasalita e literal na katabi niya iyong asawa niya?

“Kuya ba ang itatawag ko sa kanya?” Therese asked.

“What?”

“Kuya Pablo,” she said instead, calling Pablo who looked her way. “Picture tayo.”

Pablo looked at me for confirmation. Everyone was looking at us. I didn’t want to make any scene kaya naman tumango na lang ako. Pablo walked towards us. Tumayo siya sa tabi ko. Great. Ngayon ay nasa gitna na ako ni Pablo at Leo. For sure ay laman ’to ng chismis.

Pero agad na naputol iyong pagiisip ko nang maramdaman ko iyong kamay ni Pablo na pumalibot sa bewang ko. Leo was standing close to me kaya alam ko na naramdaman niya rin iyon.

“Look at the camera, love,” he said, loud enough for both Therese and Leo to hear, while his eyes were on the camera, smiling like everything’s calm in the world. Wala pa sa reception, but I was starting to feel the chaos brewing already. 

**

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Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Yup. I was pretty sure that I looked constipated sa mga litrato na magkakasama kaming apat. I tried my hardest, though, to look as normal as possible, but I was very much aware of Pablo touching my waist. Hindi ko alam kung bakit halos hindi ako makahinga kahit iyon lang naman ang ginawa niya.

Oh, right.

Love.

He did call me love.

Why was that making me feel things? It shouldn’t make me feel things. This was just pretend. Hindi ko talaga siya boyfriend. Tomorrow, everything will go back to normal. I love my normal. I love my life in the metro. I love my job. I love my life.

He’s just so fucking good at playing boyfriend. That’s it. I made the right choice by choosing him. Hindi ko talaga dapat bigyan ng kulay iyong mga ginagawa niya. Instead, I should be a good girlfriend, too. After all, once umalis kami sa kasal na ’to, tapos na iyong role playing naming dalawa.

“Hi,” bati ni Pablo kay Leo nang sa wakas ay matapos na iyong photoshoot namin. He was smiling—contrary sa reaksyon niya kanina na ni ayaw niyang banggitin iyong pangalan ni Leo. “We haven’t been formally introduced.”

Tumingin si Leo kay Pablo tapos ay sa akin. Tapos ay bumalik kay Leo iyong mga mata niya.

“Sorry,” I said. “Pablo, this is Leo, the groom, obviously.”

Tipid na ngumiti si Leo. I knew that this was awkward for him, too. Naging close naman kasi talaga kami na magkaibigan. I knew he was genuine sa friendship naming dalawa. It’s just that he fell in love with my sister. Sinabi niya naman sa akin nung nalaman ko na. We had a serious talk about that. He said that he really loves my sister. Siguro kaya rin madali sa akin na pumunta sa Manila kasi… kasi ano ba iyong laban mo ’don ’di ba? Ano ang laban mo sa true love ng lalaking mahal mo?

Iyong tipong hindi pa nagsisimula iyong laban pero talo ka na agad.

“Si Kuya Pablo iyong boyfriend ni Ate,” biglang singit ni Therese.

“Hi. Nice to meet you,” sabi ni Leo habang naghandshake silang dalawa ni Pablo.

At that moment, all I could think about was… I wanted to leave. This was beyond awkward. Nandito kami sa may altar at naguusap apat habang sigurado ako na pinapanood kami ng lahat—heck, kung ako rin ang nasa audience, I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off this colossal mess.

“Pupunta kayo sa reception, ’di ba, Kuya?” tanong ni Therese kay Pablo imbes sa akin na kapatid niya.

Pablo smiled. “We’ll go, right?” tanong naman ni Pablo na sa akin tumingin. I looked at him and gave him a nod. When he got the confirmation from me, tumingin siya kay Therese at tumango. “We’ll be there.”

Bahagyang tumawa si Therese. Ganyan iyong tawa niya dati nung sumasama siya sa amin ni Leo kapag gumagawa kami ng assignment.

“Si Ate ba ang boss?”

Bahagya ring tumawa si Pablo. He gently shook his head and let out a crisp laugh. “No, but we decide together,” sabi ni Pablo tapos ay tumingin sa akin. He was looking at me in such a way that Therese was probably thinking that he couldn’t take his eyes off of me. “Won’t ever force her to do something that she doesn’t like.”

My line of vision was in front of Therese kaya naman nakita ko iyong bahagyang pagbabago ng ekspresyon sa mukha niya. But she literally just got married. I was probably imagining things.

“Congrats sa inyo,” sabi ko to cut this awkward encounter short. “Diretso na kami sa reception.”

Tumango si Leo na mukhang hindi rin nag-eenjoy sa paguusap na ’to.

“Hindi kayo didiretso sa Maynila ha, Ate?” ulit ni Therese.

I frowned. “Sinabi ko na nga na hindi, ’di ba?” I snapped at her because she was asking in a way na pa-cute tapos ako pa iyong nagmumukhang maarte na ayaw umattend sa reception at nagpapapilit pa.

“Cerise,” sabi ni Leo na obviously na-offend para sa asawa niya.

“What?” I asked, my brow arched because at this point, I already reached my threshold. Then I felt Pablo’s hand on my waist again. Huminga ako nang malalim. I was here with my hot as hell boyfriend, so I really shouldn’t be affected.

Muli akong tumingin kay Therese—this time, with a sweet smile on my face habang hawak ko iyong kamay ni Pablo na nakahawak sa bewang ko.

“We’ll be there,” I told Therese in a much calmer tone. “Pupunta talaga kami para ibigay iyong regalo.” And then I looked at my boyfriend. “Let’s go?” I asked as I tilted my head up dahil mas matangkad siya sa akin kahit na naka-heels na ako.

“Congratulations,” Pablo told them bago kami naglakad paalis.

“I’m sorry,” I said while we were walking away.

“What for?”

“Kinda lost my temper a bit.”

“Didn’t notice.”

“Really?” tanong ko na napatingin sa kanya. “Leo was already on her defense.”

“You sound jealous,” sabi niya.

“I am not.”

“Did you want me to defend you?”

“No.”

“Because I thought you can handle yourself,” sabi niya sa akin. “I would’ve stepped in if I thought you needed help—like the one in the grocery.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko. “You were watching me.”

Bahagya siyang natawa. “You make me sound like a creep,” sabi niya sa akin. “I was minding my own business when I saw you and then the guy approached you. You were visibly irritated. You’re not very good at hiding what you feel.”

Panic shot across my system.

Fuck.

Nababasa niya iyong nararamdaman ko? Nababasa niya ba kung gaano ko talaga siya kagusto? I mean, not in the sense na gusto, but like he’s so hot and I was only human.

“Yeah… He’s pretty annoying.”

“Why didn’t you tell him to leave?”

“Boss’ son.”

“Oh.”

“You can’t relate, right? Because your boss is the best?” I asked, reminding him na nung hindi ko pa alam na siya iyong may-ari ng Pablo’s sinabi niya sa akin na sobrang bait ng boss niya. This jerk.

He laughed. Fuck. Ang unfair na ang gwapo niya kapag tumatawa. There were small laugh lines near his mouth that told me that he likes to laugh. It’s so fucking attractive.

Pagdating namin sa sasakyan ay inayos ko lang iyong sa Waze papunta sa may venue ng reception. It was actually one of the nicest hotels here in Bataan. Ginastusan talaga iyong kasal ni Therese. Good for them. Kapag kinasal ako ay sa ibang bansa para walang pupunta. Tapos sa city hall na lang iyong kasal dito sa Pilipinas.

“What’s your gift?” tanong ni Pablo habang nagda-drive?

“5 days, 4 nights stay in Shangri La Mactan.”

“That’s nice.”

“I know.”

“Generous of you.”

“Not really,” sabi ko. “I won that in some raffle. Hindi ako makakapunta because of work and it’s about to expire. I won’t spend money on those two.”

Nakita ko sa rearview mirror na natawa si Pablo.

“You really hate those two…”

“I don’t,” sabi ko. “Hate is such a strong word. I still wish them the best life, just that that life doesn’t necessarily have to include me, you know?”

He nodded. “Understood. What happens if you get a niece or nephew?”

I shrugged. “Will still send the occasional gifts.”

“You got it all planned out.”

“I have,” sabi ko.

Hindi na ulit siya nagtanong hanggang sa makarating kami sa may venue. Did he think that my life was so… sad? Na ayoko sa pamilya ko. He probably thought that I was one of those na sa trabaho umiikot ang buhay. I mean, totoo naman. But was that sad? What if mahal ko naman talaga iyong trabaho ko? Besides, nandyan si Jana. Although may boyfriend siya and malapit na silang magpakasal at maganak.

Fuck.

Paano na ako after nun?

I mean, obviously, masaya ako para kay Jana… but I also knew na once magka-anak sila, hindi na pwede iyong ginagawa ko na bigla ko siyang hinahatak kung saan-saan. Magiiba na iyong priority niya and I could never be mad at her for that.

Shit.

Ito iyong mga panahon na gusto ko ng boyfriend kasi automatic na may kasama ka kung saan mo man gustong pumunta.

“Are you okay?” Pablo asked dahil kanina pa kami naka-park pero hindi pa rin ako lumalabas.

I forced a smile as I nodded. “Let’s go,” I replied as I unbuckled the seatbelt and bumaba ako sa sasakyan niya.

May ilan akong nakasalubong na mga kakilala, but I was in no mood for small talk kaya naman tumango at ngumiti lang ako sa kanila habang naglalakad kami ni Pablo papunta sa may reception.

“Pablo.” Tumingin siya sa akin habang naglalakad kami. “Thank you.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “For what?”

“For this,” I said. “Kung hindi kita kasama, I imagine that they’ll all look at me with pity.”

“With pity? Exactly for what reason?” he asked with his forehead creased. “As far as I can tell, you have a great life in Manila.”

“I know… but for them, my younger sister got married first.”

“Is getting married the standard of having a great life?”

I shrugged. “For my family, I think yes.”

He rolled his eyes. “Your family sucks.”

Natawa ako. “Agreed,” I said. “But hey, that’s my family. Ako lang ang pwede magsabi na they suck.”

Natawa siya. “Apologies.”

I smiled. “Apology accepted.”

“But seriously, I know you already said that your family’s validation matters for you, but still, do try to work on it,” he said in a sincere way na hindi ko naramdaman na hinuhusgahan niya ako. “You have a great life—live that great life.”

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kumuha ng kapal ng mukha o lakas ng loob, but I reached for his hand and held it. Napatingin siya sa akin dahil mukhang kahit siya ay nagulat sa ginawa ko.

“What? Can’t I hold my boyfriend’s hand?”

“You definitely can,” he replied as he planted a soft kiss on the side of my head. “I’m pretty hungry. I hope the food is good, at least,” dugtong niya na bahagya akong natawa dahil ngayon ko lang na-realize na gutom na rin pala ako after ng lahat ng pag-pipicture na ginawa namin.

May program naman pero hindi na kami nakinig ni Pablo dahil busy kami sa pagkain. We talked about other things na hindi related sa kasal. I actually asked him about his business and he was very enthusiastic na sagutin iyong tanong ko. Gusto ko sana siyang tanungin about sa personal life niya kaya lang ayoko naman maging intrusive. Kung may malalaman man ako tungkol doon, gusto ko na sabihin niya ng kusa.

“Sali ka raw, Ate,” sabi sa akin ni Ana.

I frowned. “Fine,” sagot ko dahil time na para doon sa paghahagis ng bulaklak. Hindi ko naman sasaluhin ’yan. Ihagis ko pa pabalik ’yan if ever na masalo ko, e.

Nakatayo lang ako kasama iyong ibang mga brides maid at mga barkada ni Therese. I was standing on the side dahil hindi talaga ako interesado. Ang nakasalo ay iyong pinsan ni Leo.

After that, nag-excuse ako na pupunta ako sa CR para magretouch dahil nakaka-stress talaga kahit nakatayo lang ako sa tabi ng barkada ni Therese. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayoko talaga sa kanila.

“What… is happening?” I asked nung pagbalik ko ay nakita ko na for some reason, nakatayo doon sa gitna si Pablo kasama iyong ibang mga grooms men and apparently, he caught the fucking garter. 

**

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Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Pablo looked equally surprised nang masalo niya iyong garter. My eyes were probably wide because I was surprised, too. Why was he in the middle? I mean, maybe he was dragged there like me? But… why did he catch the garter? Kanina kasi iwas na iwas ako dun sa bulaklak. At kahit ihagis sa akin mismo ni Therese iyong bulaklak, ihahagis ko pabalik sa kanya iyon.

So… why was he holding the damn garter?

Na kanina lang ay nasa legs ng kapatid ko?

God, nagiinit na agad ang ulo ko.

“Ang swerte nitong babaeng ’to! Ang gwapo nung makakapartner!” sabi nung host.

I felt everyone’s eyes on me. I forced a smile on my face. I refused to look like someone insecure na hindi papayag sa ganito. Ang dami na ngang sinasabi ng pamilya ko sa akin, dadagdagan ko pa ba?

Why did I care so much? Kung kasing dali lang talaga kagaya nung sinasabi ni Pablo na ’wag magkaroon ng pakielam sa sinasabi ng pamilya.

Lumapit iyong host kay Pablo.

“Hi! Ano’ng name mo?” he asked at saka itinapat kay Pablo iyong microphone.

“Pablo,” he replied with the smile that usually makes me swoon, but right now, it’s making my blood simmer.

“Ang gwapo ng boses, sis! Lucky day mo na ata!” sabi nung host sa pinsan ni Leo.

Pablo smiled. “Happily taken,” sabi ni Pablo at saka tumingin sa gawi ko kaya naman nagtinginan lahat sa akin. Normally, I would hate being the center of attention lalo na kapag nandito ako sa Bataan… but for some reason, I liked that he quickly made it known na boyfriend ko siya. I mean, granted na ngayong araw lang naman, but still, he’s with me.

“Ay, may girlfriend!” sabi nung host. I just smiled. “Pwede bang sumali iyong boyfriend mo? Katuwaan lang naman.”

I smiled again. “Up to him,” I replied because I really refused na magmukhang insecure girlfriend sa harapan nilang lahat. I knew that they’re already thinking na ‘jackpot’ ako kay Pablo at baka sobrang nakabakod ako sa kanya.

He’s a catch, alright, but I’m a catch, too.

“Game ka ba?” the host asked.

Pablo shook his head. “No, I can’t,” sabi niya at saka iaabot sana pabalik iyong garter sa host.

“Katuwaan lang naman,” the host nudged. Ang pushy, ha. Sinabi na ngang ayaw, e. “Mukhang okay naman sa girlfriend, e. ’Di ba?” he asked, looking at me. Once again, I shrugged.

“I don’t want to participate, though,” Pablo said and then smiled politely once again at saka naglakad at iniabot kay Leo iyong garter. He said something to Leo and Therese na naging dahilan kung bakit kumunot iyong noo ng kapatid ko.

The host was forced to move on dahil naglalakad na pabalik sa akin si Pablo. I tried to play it cool dahil ramdam ko pa rin iyong tingin ng mga tao sa paligid ko.

“You could’ve said yes,” sabi ko nang makabalik siya sa tabi ko.

“I wasn’t really interested,” sagot niya.

“Okay,” sabi ko. “Ano na lang sinabi mo sa kanila?”

“To your sister?” he asked, purposely not mentioning Leo’s name. Kung makaarte ’to parang mas malaki pa ang atraso ni Leo sa kanya kaysa sa akin, e.

I nodded. “Yup. May sinabi ka ba?”

He shrugged. “Nothing. Just told them I didn’t want to participate because that’s disrespectful to you, my girlfriend.”

I felt my heart beating faster at the words that he used. But I begged myself na umayos dahil hindi naman pwede na laging ganito ang reaksyon ko kapag may sasabihin siya na ganito. So, I straightened my back and acted like he didn’t just make my heart skip a beat dahil sa sinabi niya.

“Ginamit mo pa ako na dahilan.”

Natawa siya. “It’s true, though.”

“So, kung wala ako, sasali ka sa ganon?”

He shrugged. “All in good fun,” sabi niya.

“Okay.”

“I mean, if I’m single, sure, why not,” dugtong niya. “I’ve done worse things at weddings.”

Inabot ko iyong baso at saka inubos iyong tubig. Would he tell me about his wedding hookups? Because I sincerely thought that today’s not the day that I would like to hear the story—or probably ever. Hindi naman ako nakatira sa fairytale—of course he’s been with other women. But do I want to hear about it? Hell no. I’d like to be kept in the dark when it came to the details.

“Your face,” sabi niya.

“Ano?” tanong ko na nakakunot ang noo.

“What were you thinking?”

“About?”

“The worse things I did.”

“Nothing,” I said in a monotone voice. Bakit niya ba pinupush ’to? Ito ba iyong proper venue para mag-share kaming dalawa ng hookup stories? Unfair naman sa akin kasi wala akong masyadong ganong story. Bakit kasi kailangan ko muna makilala kahit papaano, e! Ayoko nung sobrang hi, hello , then boom, sex agad.

He got his phone. Kapag ito may picture pang pinakita sa akin, iiwan ko ’to ngayon. Bahala siyang mag-entertain sa mga tita ko.

“Look,” sabi niya tapos ay may pinakita sa akin. I was already frowning nang tumingin ako sa phone niya. I was expecting to see some photo ng isa sa mga naging babae niya nang kumunot ang noo ko dahil iba ang nasa screen.

“Ano ’yan?” I asked.

“Well, my friends saw this video online and they wanted to do it for the wedding,” he said as a video of a group of guys dancing to some Indian song—not sure—was playing on his phone.

“Oh, my god,” I said with my eyes partly wide open nang makita ko iyong mukha ni Pablo. God, sobrang gwapo niya lang talaga kapag naka-suit! He was even wearing a pair of sunglasses sa video.

“Yeah… As you can see, I really can’t dance.”

I couldn’t peel my eyes off from the video of them dancing. Iyong mga mata ko ay hinahanap lang siya sa video. He was standing in the back kaya naman minsan ay hindi siya kita sa video. But every time he’d be seen, kitang-kita ko na nakatawa siya at mukhang nag-e-enjoy siya sa ginagawa niya.

“No,” I said, frowning, nung ipe-play ko sana ulit iyong video, pero kinuha niya iyong cellphone niya at ibinalik sa bulsa niya. “I wanna watch again.”

Umiling siya. “One time viewing.”

“Is that on the internet?”

Umiling siyang muli. “One of the conditions was that this video shall never be uploaded online,” sabi niya sa akin.

I frowned. “But you all looked so good!”

“Who looks good?” tanong niya sa akin. “All my friends are taken.”

Natawa ako. “No,” sabi ko. “I mean, you all looked like you were having fun.”

“That’s not how I remember it,” sagot niya. “I remember worrying because I didn’t want to mess the choreo.”

“Gaano kayo katagal nag-practice?”

“A week, I think?”

“I wanted to just elope abroad, but now that I’ve seen your dancing video, I kinda want to have a wedding and a party with friends,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Elope abroad?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yup. That way, no one can attend.”

Natawa siya sa akin na naiiling. We continued to talk until I excused myself again para pumunta sa CR. There was a line doon sa CR na pinuntahan ko kanina, so I had to look for another one dahil naiihi na talaga ako.

Paglabas ko sa CR, medyo nagulat ako dahil nakita ko si Leo na nakatayo roon sa may balcony.

“Hi,” I said dahil napatingin siya sa gawi ko. “Didn’t mean to disturb you,” dugtong ko dahil mukhang pumunta siya rito para mapagisa.

I’d been friends with him for a long time. I was actually a bit surprised when he agreed sa ganito kalaking kasal. One of the things I liked about him before ay same kami ng gusto. Ayaw niya rin nung ganito. I remember him telling me before that kung siya lang, ayaw niya magpakasal. He said it’s just a piece of paper. But it was more like coming from the fact na maraming magasawa ang nakapaligid sa kanya ang hiwalay na, pero hindi makapaghiwalay dahil mahirap ang proseso ng annulment sa Pilipinas. He also said that no piece of paper can make you commit if you don’t want to commit.

And the fact that he said yes to all this?

He really loves my sister.

“Sorry,” he said.

“For what?” I asked because that was a general statement and I felt like there were some things that he needed to be sorry about.

“Pwedeng in general na lang?”

Natawa ako. “Yeah… Sure. Why not.”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakatayo lang ako doon. I should be leaving. I should be walking back to my boyfriend, Pablo, but for some reason, I was still here.

Like… an unfinished business.

Akala ko tapos na—but as it seemed, there were some things that still needed to be talked about.

“Mukhang masaya ka na.”

“Hindi ba ako mukhang masaya dati?” I asked because although we never really talked anymore, nagkikita naman kami.

“Mukha naman,” sabi niya. “Iba lang ngayon.”

“Ganon siguro talaga kapag nasa tamang tao.”

Maybe it really was my fault. Dati kasi, I kept on waiting for the perfect time to tell him about how I really felt. O baka kasi nakampante ako na akala ko ay gusto niya rin ako? Kasi ganoon ba kapag ‘friends?’ O baka kulang lang ako sa atensyon sa bahay kaya kapag may tao na nagpakita kahit ng kaunting atensyon, nahuhulog agad ako?

O baka niligtas na lang din ako ni Universe.

Imagine kung nag-confess ako sa kanya talaga tapos sinabi niya sa akin na ‘sorry, mas gusto ko iyong kapatid mo?’ I would’ve just died right there and then.

But now… it’s still a bit hard.

Unspoken thoughts.

Unshared feelings.

Saan lulugar?

Paano magkaka-closure kung wala namang nasimulan talaga?

“Nasa tamang tao ka rin naman, ah,” I said because I didn’t want the atmosphere to be this heavy. “To be honest, hindi ko akalain na magtatagal kayo ni Therese.”

Ngumiti siya. “Hindi ko rin akalain.”

“Talaga?”

He nodded. “Akala ko hindi siya seryoso sa akin.”

“Seryoso ka?”

Tumango siya. “I thought—” sabi niya tapos ay napahinto. He just smiled at me.

“What?” I asked because he didn’t finish what he was saying.

Umiling siya. “Wala.”

I frowned. “Alam mo naman na ayoko nung ganon.”

Natawa siya. “Right… Sorry. Nalimutan ko. Tagal na rin nating ’di nagusap, e.”

“Naguusap naman tayo.”

“Iyong Happy New Year? “ he asked. “Counted ba ’yon?”

I shrugged. Kapag Pasko kasi, sa pamilya niya siya. Kapag New Year, doon siya sa amin kaya naman nakikita ko siya kahit ayoko.

“So, ano nga iyong sasabihin mo?”

I saw him took a deep breath. “Akala ko hindi siya seryoso talaga. Akala ko gusto niya lang ako nun kasi kasama kita.”

My lips parted at the words that I was hearing from him. What the fuck was he talking about? I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t know where to start.

“Pero kinasal naman kami kaya baka sa isip ko lang ’yon,” he said. Then he looked behind me. “Hinahanap ka yata ng boyfriend mo,” he added before he smiled at me and then excused himself.

I stood there, trying to process what he just told me. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nakatayo lang doon nang tumalikod ako at nakita ko si Pablo na nakatingin lang sa akin at seryoso ang mukha. 

**

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Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Leo left quite abruptly na medyo napaawang ang labi ko at napakunot ang noo ko. That was weird. Bakit kailangan niyang umalis agad? I would’ve introduced him to Pablo naman—or maybe hindi na dapat kasi malay ko ba kung ano ang mangyayari pagkatapos ng araw na ’to? Would we still see each other? Probably not. As far as I was concerned, we run in different social circles. And hindi pa naman ako desperate enough para puntahan siya sa bar niya. Iyong ginawa ko dati, that was out of sheer desperation only because I needed something from him.

And after today? Ano pa iyong reason ko?

That I wanted to see him?

“Hey,” sabi ko nung lapitan ko siya dahil mukhang wala siyang balak na lumapit sa pwesto ko. “Did something happen inside?” I asked kasi lumabas siya.

Tipid siyang umiling. “No,” he replied. “You were just gone for too long. I thought something happened.”

“Oh,” sabi ko. “I just went to the CR then nakita ko si Leo dito sa labas.”

Hindi naman ako manhid na tao, but at the same time, ayokong maging assuming. Before, alam ko naman na nilalandi ako ni Pablo, but maybe that was only because I was doing it first, so he was just matching my energy. But right at this moment? That crease on his forehead was throwing me off. Because he looked a bit pissed. But why? Dahil lang kausap ko si Leo? It wasn’t like we were doing anything—we were literally talking.

He gave me a small nod again.

I gave him a forced laugh.

“What? Jealous?” I dared ask kasi iyon talaga ang itsura niya ngayon. He looked like a jealous boyfriend na nakita ako na kausap iyong ex ko.

“Should I be?” he replied, and his reply was even more intense dahil sinabi niya iyong mga salita na iyon habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko. He didn’t even miss a beat and replied quite quickly right after I asked my dare I say ridiculously forward question.

“No,” I said as I tilted my chin up. Oo, gwapo siya, pero bakit ako magpapatalo?

“Okay.”

“We were literally just talking.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“But the way your brows furrowed tells another story,” I shot back.

Nakatingin pa rin kami sa isa’t-isa. No one wanted to back down, so it seemed. Halos hindi ako makahinga nang maayos habang nakatingin ako sa mga mata niya. I forced myself na ’wag babaan ang tingin because I really would lose in this staring competition kapag napatingin ako sa mga labi niya.

“Really,” sabi niya. “Do tell—what am I feeling right now, Cerise?”

God, I hated it when he says my name like that! Like he’s seducing me kahit literal na binanggit niya lang naman iyong pangalan ko.

I stared directly at his eyes. “Like you’re jealous.”

I felt how the beats of my heart gradually began to increase its pace. But I didn’t break the gaze—talo iyong unang magiiwas ng tingin. He’s probably better at this than me, but that didn’t mean that I won’t put up a fight.

I like him, fine, but he likes me, too, kahit konti siguro. Because if not, why on earth would he agree to my ridiculous request? It’s much easier to say no. It’s not like I could physically drag him with me here.

“Well, I am supposed to be your boyfriend,” he said.

“I know.”

“And I saw you talking to your ex.”

“Correction—not my ex.”

“I stand corrected,” he replied as he was still staring at me like he was trying to melt me. “Your biggest what if, “ he continued.

“That sounds worse.”

“It is,” sabi niya. “Because there is always that thought that what if it worked out? “

I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Let’s settle with ex .”

He gave me small nod. “Okay.”

“Okay,” I replied. I hated how stubborn I sounded when I said that. “Still, I was just talking to him.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“You sound jealous right now, do you know that?” diretso kong sabi sa kanya kasi siya iyong nagsabi ng no games, e. E ’di diretso ko nang sabihin sa kanya.

“Well, I am your boyfriend for the day,” sabi niya.

“I know—I was the one who invited you, remember?”

Tumingin siya sa akin nang ilang segundo bago siya nagkibit-balikat. And as he was doing that, something changed. Like he was done with this topic and didn’t want to discuss it further.

“Okay,” he said like he really was done with it.

“Okay? That’s it?”

Tumango siya. “Do you want anything else from me?”

“Hindi ko alam,” sabi ko sa kanya. “I just had the impression that you were pissed.”

“I wasn’t,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Yeah, right,” I snorted because he was obviously lying. All this talk about honesty and no games tapos hindi niya masabi sa akin kung ano talaga ang nasa isip niya.

“We should go back,” sabi niya.

“Sure,” I replied.

We walked side by side, but I was not fan of the atmosphere between us. Patingin-tingin ako sa gawi niya, pero diretso lang siya na naglalakad.

“I just congratulated him,” sabi ko.

“Okay.”

Natawa ako. “Are you seriously pissed na kausap ko siya?”

I thought that like usual, hindi niya lang ako papansin kasi based sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya, so far, he does not escalate things. Na bago pa mag escalate, nag-deescalate na siya. Like a pacifist, ganon, but at the same time, minsan halata pa rin kapag naiinis na siya.

“Yes because I did everything you asked of me, Cerise. I would’ve appreciated if the favor was returned.”

My lips parted. “I talked to the guy—not made out with him.”

“Don’t twist my words,” he calmly said.

“Are we seriously fighting over this?” naiirita na tanong ko sa kanya. Nakita ko na sasagot pa sana siya, pero hindi niya na itinuloy dahil may ilang nakatingin na sa amin. Great, iyong barkada pa ni Therese of all people! For sure makakarating agad ito sa kapatid ko. Then sa pamilya ko. Ano na naman kaya ang version na ipapakalat nila?

“Let’s just finish today,” sabi niya na kalmado na ulit iyong mukha. Wow… he’s a great actor. It’s scary how he could just flip the switch like that.

Maybe I was just really assuming.

Mukhang magaling siyang magpanggap talaga.

I felt his hand on the small of my back as he took the lead sa paglalakad namin pabalik sa venue nung reception. Bumalik kami sa may table. Pablo was back to his ‘usual’ self. He was even talking sa ibang mga kasama namin sa table. He was smiling and he was, as usual, very good at small talks. Parang hindi nangyari iyong kanina.

He was a great actor.

It’s… scary.

Gusto ko sana na nakaupo lang ako roon, but suddenly, I was very aware na tinitignan ako nung group ni Cerise. Iba talaga kapag chismis—ang bilis ng dissemination. Ni wala pang 20 minutes ’yun, ah!

I grabbed a drink doon sa waiter na dumaan sa gilid ko. I was about to take a sip of the wine nang makita ko na nakatingin sa akin si Pablo.

“Just one glass,” I told him. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ako nagpapaalam.

“I’m not gonna stop you from drinking,” he said which made me feel ridiculous for some reason.

“Right… Sorry,” I said as I took a sip. I wanted to down the glass, but I didn’t want to give Therese’s group the idea na magkaaway kami ni Pablo ngayon. I hated giving them the satisfaction of even thinking that my life was any less than perfect. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bwisit na bwisit ako sa group na ’yan.

Napatingin ako kay Pablo nung humingi siya ng tubig sa waiter. Nang dumating iyon, akala ko ay para sa kanya, but he slid it in front of me.

“You don’t want to be drunk in front of your relatives,” he said.

“Thank you,” I replied because I did appreciate him looking out for me.

Tumango lang siya. “When do you want to leave?” he asked.

I shrugged. “In a few minutes?” I asked. “Or do you want to leave now?”

“Whenever you wanna leave,” sabi niya.

“Is there any place you need to be tonight?” I asked kasi syempre magda-drive pa pabalik sa Manila.

“Today’s reserved for you,” he replied.

Fuck it.

Don’t put colors in it.

I should really start practicing taking whatever he says literally. Na literal na naka-reserve naman talaga sa akin iyong araw ngayon kasi date ko siya sa kasal ng kapatid ko.

I gave him a small smile. “Yeah… Thank you for this again.”

“You’re welcome,” he said. “Are they looking at us or is it just my imagination?”

Napatingin ako sa mga friends ni Therese na shamelessly tumitingin sa amin. I did wonder kung ano ang nasa imagination nung mga ’yon.

“They are,” sabi ko.

“Because of earlier?”

“Probably.”

Nagulat ako nang diretsong tumingin si Pablo sa gawi nila. Nagulat din ata iyong mga kaibigan ni Therese kasi biglang nagpanggap sila na naguusap. Tignan mo ’tong mga tangang ’to.

Napatingin ako kay Pablo nang hawakan niya iyong kamay ko na tahimik na nakapatong sa lamesa. He was tracing patterns on the top of my hand.

“They probably think that we’re fighting,” sabi niya.

“I know.”

“Because of your ex.”

“Yeah…” sabi ko. “Sucks. Hanggang mamatay ata ako ay iisipin nila na may hangups ako kay Leo.”

Hindi siya nagsalita pero hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko.

“More so once they learn about our breakup.”

“You can tell them that you dumped me and I’m begging for you to take me back.”

Natawa ako. “I don’t think anyone will buy that.”

“It’s a very believable story,” he said.

I laughed again. “Thanks?”

“Why don’t you think they’ll believe you.”

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror?” I asked.

“I have,” sagot niya. “Have you seen yourself?”

I felt my cheeks heating up sa sinabi niya.

“You can tell them that I proposed and then you rejected my proposal because you’re not ready to settle down.”

“They’ll think I have lost my mind,” I replied.

“Why so?” tanong niya. God, it felt so good that while we’re talking, he was just tracing random patterns on the top of my hand. Iyong isang kamay niya rin ay nakapatong sa may hita ko.

“Because, once again, you’re you.”

“Yeah… I don’t really understand. What’s with me?”

I rolled my eyes. “Fake humility doesn’t suit you.”

He gave a crisp laugh. “It’s not fake humility, love,” sabi niya. I forced myself not to overthink sa tinawag niya sa akin. Pero… we’re literally talking—just the two of us. There’s no need for him to call me that. But fuck it, stop overthinking and overanalyzing things, Cerise.

“Whatever,” I said, trying to mask how I was thrown off sa pagtawag niya sa akin nun. “I’ll think of a cover story.”

“Just don’t tell them that I died because it’s gonna be awkward if they accidentally see me.”

Natawa ako. “I’m not gonna kill you in my cover story.”

“That’s good,” sabi niya. “I like the rejected proposal, though.”

“Is it really believable that you proposed to me?”

“Why not?”

I shrugged. “Ewan.”

“As far as they’re concerned, we’re in a committed relationship,” sabi niya. “It’s not surprising that if I propose.”

“But it’s surprising if I reject the proposal.”

“Why? Because I’m me?” he asked and I shrugged. “Love,” sabi niya as he squeezed my thigh. “I think you’re putting me on a pedestal already.”

My lips parted. “Wow.”

Tumawa siya. “I do have flaws,” he said. “I just don’t advertise them because why would I? But best be sure that I am nowhere near perfect. I mean, I do try to be a decent individual, but I still fuck up sometimes.”

We were probably in our bubble because someone had to tap my shoulder. Pinapapunta kami sa may stage para sa may picture kasama iyong dalawa.

“We should probably head back to Manila after this,” sabi ko kay Pablo habang naglalakad kami pabalik.

He nodded. “Can we eat first?”

“Hindi ka ba nakakain?” I asked.

“Not when people are staring at me, no,” sabi niya.

Natawa ako. Obvious naman kasi na siya iyong pinakabida ngayong araw. Sa mga Tita ko pa lang ay parang ice cream na nalulusaw si Pablo sa mga tingin nila.

“Okay,” sabi ko. “Before we head back to the hotel or after checkout?”

“After checkout,” he replied.

Pagdating namin sa stage, I just congratulated them once again. I mean, not the biggest fan, but may manners pa rin naman ako. Nakatayo si Pablo sa tabi ni Leo. Nasa tabi ako ni Therese.

“Okay ka lang, Ate?” she asked.

“Bakit naman hindi?”

“Sabi nila narinig kayo na nagtatalo ni Kuya, e…”

“San mo naman narinig ’yan? Sa mga chismosa mong kaibigan?” diretsong sabi ko sa kanya habang nakangiti ako para sa camera.

“Concerned lang naman sila, Ate.”

“Hindi ko kailangan ng concern nila,” I said as I was still smiling for the camera. “And for the record, hindi kami nagaaway. Kung makikinig man sila sa usapan ng ibang tao, might as well tapusin nila hanggang dulo para hindi mali-mali pinapakalat nila.”

Mukhang napalakas ata iyong boses ko dahil nakita ko na napatingin sa akin si Leo.

“Cerise,” he said like he was admonishing me na ganito ko kausapin iyong bride niya.

“What?”

“Iyong tono mo naman…”

“Ano’ng meron sa tono ko?” I shot back. Leo had always been calm—iyon ang isa sa nagustuhan ko sa kanya. Alam ko na hindi niya ako papatulan.

“Wala,” he said na umiiling. Tumingin siya kay Therese na nangingilid ang luha. Leo cupped his face and wiped the tears that were threatening to fall. Great! Ang iisipin naman ng mga tao ay pinaiyak ko siya sa mismong kasal niya.

I pursed my lips. I fucking hated how she could always play the victim and I was the unwilling villain. Kahit nung sa kanila ni Leo noon, parang kasalanan ko pa na sikreto sila kasi apparently, hindi pwede na in public dahil malalaman ko at masasaktan ako.

Hanggang ngayon, ako pa rin ang masama.

“Ang gwapo pa naman ng boyfriend pero mukhang ’di pa moved on…” narinig kong sabi.

Fuck.

Napatingin ako kay Pablo.

“Pablo—”

He gave me a small smile but kahit bulag ata makikita na peke iyon. “Let’s just go home,” he said as he held my hand and gently dragged me away with him while everyone watched us leave. 

**

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Chapter 14

Chapter 14

“I thought you’re hungry?” I asked nung makita ko na papunta na kami sa express way. Tahimik lang si Pablo simula nung umalis kami sa reception hanggang sa makabalik kami sa may hotel. He would answer when I ask him questions, but he really wasn’t in a very chatty mood. I understood why, though. He played his part perfectly and I made it look like he’s with someone who still wasn’t over her ex.

He’s rightfully annoyed.

Ako iyong nagdala dito sa kanya tapos ako pa iyong puro mali ang nagawa.

“It’s fine,” he replied in such a dismissive tone na hindi na ako nag-attempt na magsalita pa. The atmosphere was so awkward na ni hindi ko magawang buksan iyong radio—but the silence was deafening na nilakasan ko na iyong loob ko na buksan iyon.

Isinandal ko iyong ulo ko at sinubukan na matulog para hindi na ako mag-overthink. Hindi ako nakatulog. I reached for my phone and my eyes widened when I saw a lot of notifications—and incoming notification.

‘Hindi ka na nahiya, Cerise. Sa kasal pa mismo ng kapatid mo,’ Mama messaged. My lips parted as I read the message. Nakatitig lang ako doon na para bang mababago iyong laman nun kapag tinignan ko lang.

Ang dami pang pumasok na message mula sa iba naming kamaganak.

Fuck it.

Ni hindi ko nga gustong pumunta sa kasal na ’yon in the first place. Ako na naman ang masama sa kanila. Tanginang buhay ’to.

“What?” I asked nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Pablo. He said something but I was too preoccupied with thinking about how I was the villain yet again. I didn’t do anything—I did everything they asked. Nananahimik ako na tumayo doon para sa picture taking. Siya naman iyong nanguna na sabihin na nagaaway kami ni Pablo tapos nung tinama ko, ako na naman ang masama. Tapos pinaiyak ko pa raw. I could already imagine how she was crying when we left—iyong tipo na halos hindi na siya makahinga. She looks so helpless whenever she does that. Bakit pa ba ako nagtataka na kampi lahat sa kanya?

“Compartment box,” he said.

“What?”

“There’s tissue in the compartment box,” he said.

“Why—” I asked nang bigla akong mapatingin sa rearview mirror. My eyes were bloodshot red. Fuck. Umiiyak ako? Why was I crying because of them? I fucking hated it. I hated wasting tears para sa mga tao na walang pakielam at ambag sa buhay ko.

They’re my family only because I had no choice.

They never really felt like family—mas para pa silang panel sa thesis defense na maraming kumento sa mali o tama sa buhay ko.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I wiped the tears with my thumb. But the stupid tears kept on falling, so I reached for the glove compartment at kinuha iyong tissue na sinasabi niya. I profusely wiped the tears. Then forced a laugh. “I don’t even know why I’m crying over this,” I explained.

He wasn’t saying anything.

For a second, I was thankful that we were in the middle of the expressway because I didn’t know how I would handle him staring at me as I cried dahil sa frustration sa pamilya ko.

“Just please drive,” I whispered because I really was not in the mood to talk about it. More than anything, I was tired. Gusto ko nang bumalik sa Maynila. Bakit ko ba naisipan na magandang ideya na pumunta ako sa kasal ni Therese?

I should’ve took the loss and just skipped the wedding dahil ganoon din naman pala ang kinahantungan—I still ended up being branded as the bitter sister.

I received a message from my cousin asking kung okay lang ba ako at ’wag kong pansinin iyong GC. I didn’t dare ask kung ano ang sinasabi nila sa group chat dahil wala namang bago.

Walang bago pero hindi pa rin ako sanay.

Pwede bang i-turn off na lang iyong pake?

“Thank you,” I said when Pablo stopped in front of the coffee shop kung saan kami nagkita kanina.

“Do you want to have some dinner?” he asked as I was trying to unbuckle my seatbelt.

“No, I’m not hungry.”

“Well, I am. Do you want to watch me eat?” he asked.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. “What?”

“I could use some company,” he said.

I tried to breathe deeply, but even that felt like an unfair fight at this point. “Thanks… but I’m fine,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil halata naman na ayaw niya akong iwan ngayon.

“I know you are, but eating alone is lonely,” he said as both his hands were on the steering wheel.

Wala na akong lakas makipagtalo. Parang ang daming nangyari ngayong araw.

“Okay,” I said as I was nodding. “But I don’t wanna go somewhere else. I wanna go home.”

He nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll order food. What do you want?”

“Hindi ako gutom.”

“How about pizza?”

“Yeah, sure…” sabi ko nung sinusuot ulit iyong seatbelt ko.

“Pizza and beer?”

I just nodded as I once again laid my head against the seat and closed my eyes. I just really wanted this day to be over. I wanted to go back to work. I wanted to be busy. I missed doing my demanding work and not having time to think about anything else.

“Cerise,” he called.

“Yes?” sagot ko habang nakapikit pa rin ang mga mata.

“Where will we go?”

“Right…” sabi ko at saka sinabi ko sa kanya iyong address ng condo ko. It was just a short distance from the coffee shop. I remained quiet hanggang makarating kami sa parking. Pablo carried my bag for me. I just quietly walked hanggang makarating kami sa elevator at makarating sa may condo ko.

“Just… I don’t know… feel at home,” I said as I opened the door para makapasok siya. Alam ko na malinis iyong condo ko. Before this disastrous day happened, I thought that there’s a possibility na iuwi ko rito si Pablo kaya naman sinigurado ko na malinis iyong condo ko para hindi nakakahiya kapag pumunta siya. It did happen, though, but hooking up was the last thing in my mind at the moment.

Dumiretso ako sa kwarto ko at nagpalit ng damit. I just wanted to be rid of anything related to that wedding. Pumunta ako sa CR at naghilamos at nagtanggal ng makeup. But even then, I kept on thinking about what they might be saying about me behind my back.

Bakit ba hindi ako masanay?

I could never please everyone…

Why couldn’t I just stop caring?

“I already ordered,” sabi ni Pablo pagbalik ko sa sala.

I gently nodded. “Do you want anything?” I asked.

Umiling siya. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. He must be pitying me right now. Kung sabagay, kung ako man ang nasa posisyon niya, maaawa ako sa kanya. Kasi halata naman kung sino ang mas mahal ng nanay namin, kung sino ang mas kinakampihan ng pamilya namin at mukhang ng buong lugar namin.

It probably seemed like it wasn’t a voluntary decision when I moved here in Manila—he must probably thought that I went here because I was so unwanted there.

And he’s probably right.

No, he’s right.

“What?” I asked because he was staring at me unabashedly.

“Nothing,” he replied.

“Okay.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No, not really.”

Tumango siya. “Okay,” sabi niya. “If you don’t mind, I’ll stay here for a while. I was tired from driving,” dugtong niya kahit halata naman na ayaw niya lang akong iwanan magisa dito.

“Whatever you want,” sagot ko sa kanya.

I went and grabbed two glasses and a bottle of wine. Wala pa rito iyong inorder niya. But I wanted to drink. I wanted to drink para makatulog agad ako dahil gustung-gusto kong matapos na ang araw na ’to.

“Do you want?” I asked, offering him one of the glasses.

“Okay,” he replied.

Naupo ako sa carpet habang nakapatong sa coffee table iyong dalawang wine glass at iyong wine. I poured one for him and almost filled my glass to the brim.

We were drinking quietly—or maybe I was drinking quietly. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na ganoon lang ang ginagawa. He barely touched his glass of wine habang ako ata iyong uubos nung bote.

“I’m not an alcoholic,” I said.

“Wasn’t thinking that.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Do you want me to grab you another bottle?” he asked.

Natawa ako. “Very supportive,” I said in a slurry tone.

“I mean, I own a bar,” he said in a playful manner. “I support alcohol consumption—within reason, of course.”

I smiled as I gently nodded my head. “No, I’m fine,” I said as I played with my half-full glass. I bent my legs close to my chest at saka sinandal sa mga tuhod ko iyong ulo ko. “I’m sorry for earlier.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” he said.

“They know we’re together tapos pinagmukha ko na may hangups pa ako,” sabi ko habang nakayukyok pa rin ang mukha.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But that was the one thing you asked of me.”

“I changed my mind,” he said. “They can think of me as a simp for you for all I care.”

Natawa ako. “Really? Simp?”

“Did I not use the term correctly?”

“I mean, tama naman.”

“Okay. I thought I used it wrongly.”

“You’re up with the lingo.”

“You hear things as a bartender,” he said.

“Interesting things?”

“Some interesting, some fucked up,” he told me. “Makes you think about life, really.”

“What’s the most fucked up thing you heard?”

“Hmm… There are lots, actually, but on the top of my head, there was this one time when a guy was drinking pretty heavily and he told me that tomorrow, he’d be marrying the sister of the love of his life because he got her pregnant.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya at napaawang ang labi. “Seriously?”

He nodded. “Apparently, the girlfriend—or ex-girlfriend—went abroad for some job and when she returned, the wedding they planned became the wedding of her boyfriend and her sister. Pretty fucked up, if you think about it.”

“Fuck,” I uttered under my breath. “That… felt familiar. Bakit sa lahat ng kwento, ’yan pa ang sinabi mo?”

He shrugged. “That was what came into mind.”

“Too close to home.”

He looked at me and I was a bit surprised when he gently patted my head.

“I know you don’t want me asking, but are you okay?” he asked. “I just have to ask once.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal. Huminga ako nang malalim. And then I turned my gaze back at the glass of wine.

“No… not really,” I said in a low tone. “I’ll be okay tomorrow. I have my work to keep me occupied.”

“How about your family?” he asked. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Umiling ako. “No, it’s fine. You’ve already seen how it is, anyway.”

“I now understand why you don’t like going there.”

I gave a small smile. “Why would I go to some place where I’m obviously unwanted, right?”

“Your place is here now,” he said.

“I know.”

“You don’t have to ever go back there.”

Natawa ako. “Akala ko ba family is family?”

“Not when they treat you like that,” sabi niya.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nasaktan… kasi it’s one thing na alam mo na basura iyong trato sa ’yo ng pamilya mo… it’s another na pati ibang tao ay kitang-kita iyon.

Na para bang ano ba iyong kasalanan ko?

Bakit hindi patas sa aming dalawa ni Therese?

“I know,” I said. “I’d probably never go back.”

“Good. Stay where you’re wanted.”

“Kasi unwanted ako ’dun?” I asked, trying to crack a joke.

“Maybe,” he replied. “But it’s their loss.”

Ngumiti ako. “Thanks.”

“You shouldn’t have given them the hotel voucher.”

Natawa ako. “It’s fine. Parting gift na ’yon.”

He just nodded. “Are you really done with them?” he asked but I felt like he was pertaining to Leo.

“Yeah… I think I’m done,” mahina kong sagot.

Napatingin siya sa phone niya. “The food’s downstairs,” sabi niya tapos ay bumaba siya para kunin iyon. I just hugged my knees close to my chest and tried to block all the thoughts… until I didn’t realize I already fell asleep. 

**

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Chapter 15

Chapter 15

‘Fuck,’ was my first thought when I woke up the next day. Apparently, I fell asleep on the carpet. Ang unang bumungad sa mukha ko ay iyong isang bote ng wine na ubos na. I tried to stand up, but my head was pounding badly kaya naman nagdesisyon ako na maupo muna.

I grabbed my phone to check the time, pero nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko na may message mula kay Pablo roon.

‘I’m outside.’

Then after five minutes.

‘I think you’re already asleep. I’ll leave now. Thanks for today, Cerise.’

Holy fuck! Nakatulog ako habang naghihintay sa kanya. He wasn’t even gone for that long para makatulog ako. Galit kaya siya na naghintay siya ng limang minuto sa labas ng pinto ko? Or the fact na nakatulog ako kahit bumaba lang naman siya para kuhanin iyong pagkain?

‘Hi. Sorry I fell asleep.’

Nakatitig ako sa cellphone ko at naghihintay na mag-reply siya. Five minutes passed by quickly at wala akong nakuhang reply mula sa kanya. It was only past 7 in the morning. Baka tulog pa siya. Right. I, on the other hand, needed to prepare for my work.

God, I missed my work.

I missed being busy—I missed being preoccupied with deadlines. Mas gusto ko ng mabaliw sa trabaho kaysa isipin iyong personal problems ko. Wala akong pakielam kahit hindi ako tigapagmana ng kumpanya. Mas pipiliin ko ng magpakaalipin doon kaysa mabaliw sa issue ng pamilya ko.

I finished two glasses of water before I went and took a cold shower para magising ako. I wore my usual attire to work—a nice pair of trousers and a black fitted top. Dahil ramdam na ramdam ko iyong hangover, I was also wearing oversized sunglasses habang naglalakad ako papunta sa office ko.

Pagdating ko roon, dumiretso ako sa pantry para gumawa ng kape. Tinamad ako na dumaan sa coffee shop para bumili ng coffee. I tried it, but it didn’t taste the same kaya naman nagpabili ako sa assistant ko ng coffee.

“Thank god,” I said nang makita ko iyong mountain ng paper work for my approval. That should keep me busy for the whole day. Agad akong nagsimula sa pagaaral, but for some freaking reason, agad na nawawala ako sa concentration every time my phone would make the slightest of sound. And it’s not as if I could turn it off dahil baka biglang may important na message sa akin.

“I’ll message you,” sabi ko kay Kris, my assistant, nang buksan niya iyong pinto ng office ko after ko siyang tawagin.

“For what?” she asked.

“Nothing. Did you receive it?” I asked.

She nodded. “The period?”

“Mag-reply ka nga,” I said. “Kahit ano,” I added and she replied with another period. “It’s fine,” I said, dismissing her. So, gumagana naman pala iyong cellphone ko. Nakakapagsend naman ako. Nakaka-receive naman ako ng message. I looked at the time. It’s already 2PM. Surely, gising na siya. Impossible na tulog pa siya sa ganitong oras. He looked like he’s a morning person. So, there’s only one explanation…

Holy shit.

Ito ba iyong ghosting?

Was I being ghosted?

I stared at my phone for a while. Oh, my god. He was ghosting me… but then again wala naman siyang responsibility na mag-reply sa akin? Maybe as far as he was concerned, he’s done his part. Pumunta na siya sa kasal kahapon. The deal was done—the show was over. Kaya nga sa part niya, bakit pa siya mag-rereply sa akin?

Besides, he’d already seen how fucked up my family was… so why would he want to be a part of that colossal mess? Especially sa kagaya niya na mukhang ayaw ng complications.

“So, ano ang kwento?” Jana asked when we met that night. Ayoko talaga sanang makipagkita dahil gusto ko na lang matulog. At least that way, walang overthinking na magaganap unless pati sa bangungot ko ay hinahabol ako ni Pablo.

Akala ko shitty na iyong kahapon—runner up ata iyong ngayon. Still, I was receiving nasty messages from my relatives who, I was starting to think, derive pleasure from destroying my day. There’s my mom who made it her life’s mission to make me feel na isa akong malaking disappointment hindi lang bilang anak niya kung hindi bilang ate ni Therese. And then there’s Pablo… who decided na hindi niya na ako rereplyan.

This day sucked, to say the least.

“Can I order a drink first?”

“Ay, ang sungit,” sabi ni Jana. “Bad day at work?”

“Just a bad day,” sagot ko as I ordered whisky on the rocks. Alam ni Jana na kapag ’yan ang ininom ko, I really was in a fucking bad mood kaya naman hinayaan niya ako for a few minutes.

We just sat there in silence as we listened to the soft jazz music. We were in a bar somewhere on the opposite side kung nasaan iyong Pablo’s. Jana didn’t ask kung bakit nandito kami, but knowing her, she’d ask the question sometime this night.

“What do you want to know?” I asked after being given like 20 minutes of silence.

“Everything,” she replied. “But kung ano lang ang gusto mong i-share. Scary ng vibes mo tonight.”

Umirap ako. “Ang daming nangyari,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Just ask kung ano ang gusto mong malaman para iyon ang sasabihin ko.”

“Okay…” she said. “Nag-inarte na naman ba iyong kapatid mo?”

I had to order another drink nang tanungin niya iyon. I finished the drink in one go bago ako nagsimulang ikwento sa kanya iyong nangyari sa photoshoot sa hotel room, iyong sa photoshoot sa simbahan, hanggang doon sa may reception. Habang nagsasalita ako, panay ang comment ni Jana kung paanong inggitera si Therese.

“Alam mo, bilib ako sa ’yo sa maraming bagay pero pinakabilib ako sa haba ng pasensya mo sa kapatid mo,” sabi niya sa akin.

I scoffed. “Mahaba pasensya ko?” I asked, unable to believe dahil parang hindi naman kapanipaniwala na mahaba ang pasensya ko kay Therese. I snapped at her sa may reception kaya nga against sa akin ang buong pamilya ko ngayon, e. Apparently, I was enemy number one sa Bataan ngayon.

She nodded. “Yes, kasi kung ako ’yan matagal ko ng nilagay sa tamang lugar ’yang kapatid mo.”

I just laughed at her kasi ang daling sabihin nun. Kung gagawin ko ’yon kay Therese? Kay Therese na paborito ni Mama at ng buong angkan namin? Might as well na maging ulila ako dahil sigurado ako na itatakwil nila ako. Tapos mahihirapan si Papa kasi syempre anak niya tapos pamilya niya?

So, no, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

“Ano nangyari after nung sa reception?”

I shrugged. “Umuwi na kami.”

“Tapos?”

“Hinatid niya ako sa condo.”

“I thought ayaw mong ibigay iyong address mo?” she prodded.

“Yup. But also, I was so tired last night. At ayaw niya akong iwan kasi kita niya na bothered ako sa mga messages,” sabi ko at naglitanya na naman si Jana sa kung paano walang kwenta iyong mga kamag-anak ko at bored na bored sila sa buhay nila kaya nangingielam sa buhay ng may buhay.

“Pinapasok mo siya sa condo?” I nodded. “Ano nangyari?”

“Wala.”

“Kasi malungkot ka?”

“No. Nakatulog ako,” I said.

“Ano ginawa niya?”

Huminga ako nang malalim before ako nagsimulang magsalita. Jana’s my best friend at nakita niya na ata lahat ng kahihiyan sa buhay ko, but for some reason, nakakahiya na sabihin sa kanya kung paano ako nago-ghost ngayon. And was it even ghosting kung wala naman sa usapan namin na mag-cocommunicate pa rin kami after? Ang gulo naman nito!

“I think… it’s not ghosting naman, ’di ba?” I asked, fishing for confirmation kasi ang sakit talaga sa pride na na-ghost ako kung sakali! I mean, sure, ang gulo ng mga ganap last weekend, but at the same time, I felt like we had fun naman!

“I mean, it has been 24 hours?”

I grunted. “You’re a bad liar,” sabi ko kasi halata naman na she’s just consoling me. “He’s ghosting me. I am being ghosted.”

Jana patted my head. “Maybe busy lang siya.”

“Replying to a message takes three seconds. Ayaw niya lang talaga mag-reply,” I said.

“Or… baka sira iyong phone niya?”

“Stop.”

“Malay mo mag-reply bukas.”

I looked at her. “You think so?” She shrugged. “Should I reply if mag-reply siya?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re an adult. Tapos ka na sa pabebe stage.”

“Ni hindi nga ako dumaan sa ganon!” sabi ko sa kanya kasi parang all my younger years, kay Leo ako naka-focus. Tapos pagdating ko sa Manila, naka-focus agad ako sa career. Ni hindi ako nagkaroon ng chance talaga na lumandi at magpabebe. Nakakapanibago ngayon. I felt like I was in a foreign battlefield and I didn’t have the proper ammo.

“Ano’ng gagawin ko?” I asked seriously because I felt like I was out of my depth here.

“Don’t double reply,” sabi niya. “Nag-reply ka na. It’s his move.”

I nodded. “Noted. But… what if magkita kami?”

She shrugged. “Say hi.”

“Casually?”

“Yup.”

“Should I make small talks?”

“I mean, sure, but don’t bring up iyong kung bakit hindi siya nag-reply—it comes off as needy.”

“Parang ang opposite niyan sa advice mo na ’wag magpabebe,” sabi ko sa kanya kasi parang nalilito na rin ako sa mga sinasabi niya.

Natawa si Jana. “When I said ’wag magpabebe, I meant if he asks you out or anything, you can say yes. But sinabi mo naman na na nag-message ka sa kanya, e. So, you already made the move. It’s up to him to reciprocate. Iba kasi iyong ’wag magpabebe sa maging desperate.”

“Okay…” sabi ko kahit medyo nalilito pa rin ako sa kung ano ang gagawin ko.

Jana and I stayed for a while but later on, water na lang iyong iniinom ko kasi magda-drive pa ako pauwi habang siya naman ay susunduin ng boyfriend niya. Sarap sabunutan ni Jana kasi hatid-sundo kahit saan, e.

After naming maghiwalay, I knew that I should be heading straight home… but for some reason, I drove to Pablo’s. I just parked there. Wala naman akong balak lumabas. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako nandito.

And then I saw him walking out of the bar.

So, he’s alive—at least alive enough para mag-reply sa message. I didn’t know why this pissed me off kahit na wala naman siyang responsibilidad na mag-reply sa akin.

I stayed inside my car, watching him like a creep as he stood outside his bar. Nakatayo lang siya roon at may hawak na bote ng tubig. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nasa labas gayong may private office naman siya—fuck, his office. We did things there—dirty, dirty things. But even with those dirty things, hindi pa rin ako nakakuha ng reply!

Gusto ko na sanang umalis dahil naiinis ako na parang papunta na ata ako sa desperate category na sinasabi ni Jana. Hindi naman alam ni Pablo siguro kung ano ang sasakyan ko. Heavility tinted naman iyong sasakyan ko so hindi niya naman siguro ako makikita kasi kailangan kong dumaan sa harap niya para makalabas sa parking nito, e.

I was about to start the engine when I saw him get his phone. He was reading something off his phone for a while. Oh, for sure he saw my message sa Instagram—he just didn’t think it’s worth it to reply.

Now, it’s clear.

I had fucking been ghosted.

Great. 

**

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Chapter 16

Chapter 16

There was an out of the country shoot for the anniversary cover kaya naman naging busy ako ng dalawang linggo. It was a welcomed distraction, too. I didn’t want to dwell on the what ifs and the what could’ve beens—siya na rin ang nagsabi na torture lang sa sarili kapag iisipin ko pa iyong ganon.

Besides, may self-worth naman ako, noh. I texted him. He didn’t reply. The silence on his end was so loud. Iyon na ’yon.

“Nakabalik ka na?” Jana asked.

“Yes,” I replied as I yawned. My whole body felt tired from the nonstop working dahil gusto ko talaga na maging perfect ’yung anniversary edition namin. Ito iyong magiging legacy ko. I just wanted everything to be done according to my instructions.

“Dinner?” she asked.

I shook my head kahit na magkausap lang naman kami sa phone. “Tomorrow na lang,” I replied. “Still tired.”

Nagpaalam na ako kay Jana after that. Tahimik naman iyong buhay ko. Parang balik sa normal. Or siguro dahil lang ’to sa nag-deactivate ako ng Facebook account, although because of work, I had to make a new one. Halos wala nga lang akong friends doon dahil choosy ako. If you’ll bring nothing but chaos into my life, the door is wide open and you can leave. I feel like tapos na ako sa part na gusto ko iyong exciting—parang mas maganda ngayon iyong love na secured lang. Kakapagod mag-overthink.

I also restricted Therese and my other cousins na naka-follow sa akin sa IG. Naka-hide din iyong stories ko sa kanila. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit sila naka-follow, e. Magmemessage lang naman iyong mga pinsan ko if may nagcocomment na model or artista sa posts ko tapos magpaparinig if pwede ko ipakilala. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi nila ma-gets na hindi ko friends iyong mga iyon but it was for work. Ang unprofessional kaya ng nirerequest nila sa akin.

With all that being said and done, my life’s at peace once again.

I wanted to sleep, but my system was still in another time zone. Ayoko naman na nakatingin lang ako sa ceiling. I decided to just go out and do groceries dahil upon checking, wala ng laman iyong ref and pantry ko.

I was wearing my comfiest sweatpants and my hair was in a messy bun. Kumuha ako ng cart because I knew that I’d be busy again after a few days to deal with the final details of our anniv issue. Wala na akong time mag-grocery nun.

I froze when I saw Pablo in the spices aisle. Dadaan lang sana ako roon para makarating sa Asian food nang makita ko siya. He was standing there, staring seriously at the rack of spices na para bang doon nakasalalay ang buhay niya. I debated for a while if I’d turn my heel back and just pretend na hindi ko siya nakita.

Pero bago pa man ako makapagdesisyon ay napatingin siya sa gawi ko. Naramdaman niya ba na may nakatitig sa kanya?

“Hey,” pagbati ko nang makita niya ako. Ano pa ba ang mawawala sa akin? Nakita niya na ako? Besides, it’s not as if sinundan ko siya rito. I mean, admittedly, it was a bit stalkerish nung puntahan ko siya sa bar niya at panoorin siya na parang creep doon sa parking lot. But today’s a pure coincidence. I wasn’t guilty of anything. Also, it’s been quite a while na rin nung huli kaming nagkita.

“Hi,” he replied with a small smile. It wasn’t his usual smile. Bakit? Dahil awkward ba for him? Na alam niya na nag-text ako pero wala akong reply na natanggap?

“Forgot na rito ka nga rin pala nag-go-grocery,” I said as casually as I could. Whatever happened in Bataan, apparently stays only in Bataan. Now, we’re back in Manila. I seriously didn’t know if we’re friends or what. Acquaintances, perhaps?

“Yeah,” he replied.

Tignan mo. Mukha kaming tanga ngayon. I was shifting on my feet. I wanted to leave because I was feeling the awkwardness creeping in.

“How are you?” he asked bago pa man ako maka-exit at makabili na ng pagkain dahil iyon naman ang pinunta ko talaga rito.

I shrugged. “Great. Busy with work,” I replied as casually as I could. Totoo naman ’yon. Naging busy naman talaga ako sa trabaho. Saka ayoko lang na isipin niya na nagmukmok ako dahil hindi siya nag-reply, noh… although that would be half-true. For like a few nights. I mean, I genuinely thought we had a connection and a great time—albeit iyong mga drama ng pamilya ko. So, I was genuinely disappointed when he just decided that we’re… done.

He gave a small nod. “Are they still bothering you?” he asked.

I shrugged again. “No idea,” sagot ko sa kanya. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. “They’re blocked,” I explained.

There was a look of surprised on his face. “Really…”

Tumango ako. “Yup,” I said. “Why? Didn’t think I can do it?” tanong ko dahil base sa itsura ng mukha niya, mukhang hindi talaga siya makapaniwala sa ginawa ko.

“Honestly? No,” he replied.

“Yeah… I didn’t really block them—I just created a new account,” sabi ko na dahilan kung bakit natawa siya nang bahagya.

“Knew it,” he said na para bang pakiramdam niya ay kilala niya ako enough to anticipate my next move or kung anuman ang iniisip ko. I wanted to say something along those lines, but I stopped myself. Nabawasan na iyong pride ko dahil ako iyong last message sa aming dalawa—I didn’t want to dig a deeper hole to bury myself in.

I looked at him and straightened my back. Ngumiti ako ng bahagya out of politeness.

“Nice seeing you around,” I said. I maneuvered my cart para makadaan sa gilid niya. I hated how my heart was beating faster than usual just because he’s in front of me. With Leo, it took months bago ako nagkagusto sa kanya. With Pablo? Heck, it didn’t even take 24 hours! Minsan, wala talaga sa tagal, e. Weird talaga ng feelings.

“Cerise.”

Agad akong napatigil na para bang alam ko na tatawagin niya iyong pangalan ko. Humigpit iyong hawak ko sa may handle ng cart. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago ako pilit na ngumiti at lumingon para tignan siya.

I looked at him and said nothing dahil hindi ko alam kung ano pa ba ang paguusapan namin. It’s not like I wanted to rehash what happened that weekend.

“I’m sorry I didn’t reply,” he said.

My lips parted a little at how direct he was being. He was looking straight into my eyes and I hated how I felt like melting simply because he was looking at me na para bang ganyan ako kadali? Tignan lang, bibigay na agad?

I forced a smile. “I was honestly wondering about that,” I replied. “But I’m over it already,” dugtong ko.

He was looking at me like he didn’t believe a word that I just said.

“I had fun that weekend,” he said.

“I had fun, too,” sagot ko sa kanya. “But why are we talking about this?”

I already mourned for him and for the ghosting that he did. Tapos maggaganito na naman siya. Ano ’yan? Another round ng moving on kuno? Hindi na siya ghoster kapag ganito—ito ata iyong sinasabi ni Jana na zombieing—iyong nawala tapos biglang nabuhay ulit at nagparamdam.

“I just feel bad,” he said.

“Same,” sagot ko. “I mean, you said no games yet you couldn’t even be direct with me.”

Oh, fuck.

I didn’t think that one through at kusa na lang siyang lumabas sa bibig ko dahil iyan iyong eksaktong mga salita na pinractice ko dati nung lasing ako at nagmomonologue dahil hindi niya ako nireplyan. They felt like bullets on the chamber, locked and loaded. And now, after weeks, they’ve finally been fired.

There was a tinge of guilt on his face.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Nakakahiya.

Para akong bata na naglabas ng sama ng loob dahil hindi napagbigyan sa candy na hinigingi niya!

“I know,” sabi niya.

Once again, I forced a smile on my face. Although honestly, this moment would’ve been better kung maayos ang suot ko at hindi ako naka-sweatpants.

“It’s fine,” sagot ko.

“No, it’s not,” sabi niya. “I thought about replying but decided against it.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Why? Ano ba iyong tinanong ko sa ’yo?”

“No, not that,” he said. “I just don’t want to be involved with someone who’s still hung-up on someone else.”

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “What?”

“I don’t want to be someone’s rebound.”

He actually rendered me speechless.

Was he seriously thinking na may something sa amin ni Leo? He’s literally my brother-in-law right now kahit against my will. Mukha ba akong papatol sa asawa ng kapatid ko? Ganon ba ako ka-desperado sa paningin niya?

“What’s funny?” he asked nang magsimula akong tumawa sa harapan niya. Wala na akong pakielam kung magmukha akong tanga dahil tumatawa ako sa gitna ng grocery store sa harap ng mga spices. O baka naman epekto ’to ng jetlag o baka dahil dalawang linggo akong kulang sa tulog dahil sa shoot? Either way, tawang-tawa ako to the point na naiiyak na ako.

“Nothing,” I said as I was wiping the tears in my eyes. “It’s just funny how the people around me know how I feel more than me,” dugtong ko habang papahinto na ang tawa ko.

“That’s not what I mean,” he replied.

“Oh, that’s exactly what you meant, but it’s fine,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Are you over him?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied habang nakatingin sa kanya.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Bakit ba walang naniniwala sa akin kapag sinasabi ko na tapos na ako kay Leo? Wala sa pamilya namin—heck, kahit nga si Jana hindi naniniwala, e… Kaya siguro kahit si Pablo hindi rin naniniwala.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Yes, I am over him,” I said, only this time, much calmer. “I don’t need to prove to you that I am over him already—you just have to take my word for it.”

Tumingin lang siya sa akin. “Okay.”

I gently nodded. “Okay.”

“Were you waiting for my reply?” he asked.

“Honestly? Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I mean, I did get the reply,” sabi ko sa kanya. “The non-answer was the answer, right?”

“I just don’t want anything complicated.”

“I know the feeling,” sabi ko sa kanya. “I don’t want someone who wants to reply but doesn’t reply. Sounds complicated, right?”

“Cerise…” pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko.

Natawa ako. “What?”

“I already said I’m sorry.”

“And I already said that I’m fine,” sabi ko. “I was really busy with work. Just got back from Iceland for a shoot,” dugtong ko. Ewan ko kung bakit sinabi ko pa ’yon para malaman lang talaga niya na busy akong tao.

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Great. If you don’t mind, I’ll do my shopping now.”

Nagsimula akong maglakad nang marinig ko ulit na tawagin niya ako. Muli, lumingon ako para tumingin sa kanya.

“Dinner this week?” he asked.

“I’ll check my calendar and let you know,” I replied and continued walking—this time, feeling good because the ball was in my court.  

**

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Chapter 17

Chapter 17

’

Checked your calendar yet?’

Napakunot ang noo ko nang makita ko iyong notification sa Instagram mula kay Pablo. It had been three days simula nung magkita kami sa grocery store. I could’ve messaged him about my availability para sa dinner date na gusto niya, but I couldn’t bring myself to open the message thread dahil makikita ko na ako iyong last message.

Ugh, pride.

Also, naging busy din naman talaga ako. I wasn’t lying about the part na kailangan kong i-check iyong calendar ko kung pwede ko ba siyang makita. Although technically I could meet him for dinner naman, I didn’t think I’d have the energy to be mentally present. The whole anniversary issue was taking my time and energy. Work comes first bago sa kung anumang kalandian.

‘I’m free tonight,’ I replied to his message after kong i-check iyong calendar ko. It’s gonna be tight, but I think I can make it since Friday naman iyong deadline I’d be free tonight. Ayoko naman makipagkita sa kanya tapos kalahati ng atensyon ko, nasa deadlines na naiwan ko sa opisina.

The message was seen quickly na para bang nakaabang siya roon. I chuckled at the thought of him waiting anxiously for my response. At least alam niya na ngayon iyong pakiramdam ng naghihintay sa reply.

I tapped my fingers against my desk habang nakatingin ako sa typing bubble sa may Instagram.

‘Got it. I’ll plan the date.’

‘So, it’s a date?’

‘Yes, it’s a date.’

‘Like a proper date?’

‘Yes, a proper date. I will pick you up, we’ll have a nice dinner, and then I’ll kiss you when I drop you off at home.’

I bit my lower lip as I read his message.

Fucking hell, the hold this guy has on me!

Kahit na sinabi ko noon na tapos na ako sa kanya, kahit na nagpaka-busy na ako sa trabaho, isang ganito niya lang e bumalik ulit iyong crush ko sa kanya na para bang high school student ako.

Hindi ako nakapag-reply dahil may pumasok sa opisina ko. I put the phone down and began discussing some of the proposed changes sa layouts namin. The discussion was long na nang matapos iyon, saka lang ako nag-reply.

‘Sounds like a plan,’ I replied although almost three hours ko ata siyang naiwan sa seenzone. It’s not as if sadya ko naman! Bakit ba ako nagguilty?

Instead of overthinking, I decided na lumabas na lang para kumain. I’d been stuffed in the office and I needed fresh air. Kinuha ko iyong bag ko at lumabas ako para maghanap ng kakainan, pero agad akong napahinto nang makita ko si Papa na nakaupo sa may bench sa labas ng building.

“Pa?” I asked as I approached him dahil hindi ako sigurado kung siya nga ba ’yon dahil bakit naman siya mapupunta rito?

Agad na tumayo siya nang marinig ang boses ko. “Wala ka bang trabaho ngayon?” he asked.

“Lunch ko po…” I replied. “Kanina pa kayo rito?” I asked and he nodded. “Hinihintay niyo ako?” He nodded again. “Bakit hindi ka po nag-text o tumawag?”

“E baka busy ka pa,” sabi niya.

I bit my lower lip. Sa mga ganitong bagay, madali talaga akong maiyak lalo na kapag connected kay Papa. Alam mo ’yon? Kasi parang sa buong pamilya namin sa Bataan, siya lang talaga iyong may pakielam sa akin. Kaya nga bwisit na bwisit ako kay Therese nung ako iyong pinasakay sa bridal car instead na si Papa.

“Dapat nag-text ka pa rin,” I said as I anchored my arm with his. “Kumain ka na, Pa?”

Naglakad-lakad kami hanggang sa makapili siya ng gusto niyang restaurant. I told him na kahit saan niya gustong kumain, doon kami pupunta. Sometimes, I feel guilty. Kasi syempre tumatanda na si Papa. If I’d have it my way, syempre gusto ko na magkasama kami. Kaya lang package deal kasi. If uuwi ako, I’d have to deal with everyone else. Ayoko rin naman na papuntahin siya sa Maynila kasi matanda na siya at mapapagod siya sa byahe.

It sucks that it feels like my life has come to being all or nothing.

I told Papa to order anything he wanted. Nung una ayaw niya kasi maigsi lang daw ang lunch break ko kaya ayaw niyang ma-late ako. I had to lie na lang na tapos na iyong deadlines ko kasi gusto ko na sulitin iyong time na nandito siya.

“Pano ka pala pumunta, Pa? Nag-drive ka?”

Umiling siya. “Kinuha ni Therese iyong sasakyan.”

Kumunot iyong noo ko. “Di ba may sasakyan siya?”

“Nasa pagawaan, e.”

“So… kinuha niya lang ’yung sa ’yo?”

“Hayaan mo na,” sabi ni Papa dahil ramdam niya na umiinit iyong ulo ko. Papa sold his old car para ipambayad sa tuition ni Therese sa college kasi na-extend siya ng isa pang taon dahil may binagsak siya. Tapos nung grumduate siya, binilhan siya ng secondhand na sasakyan para hindi siya magcocommute. Kahit secondhand ’yon, naubos iyong savings ni Papa roon. Kaya nung maayos na iyong trabaho ko, nag-loan talaga ako para mabilhan si Papa ng sasakyan. Binili ko ’yon para sa kanya tapos kukunin lang ni Therese na ganon lang?

God, bakit ba ako lang ata ang naiinis sa kanya? Ako ba iyong problema o siya?

“So, nag-commute ka, Pa?”

“Mabilis lang naman ang byahe.”

No, it’s not. Matagal iyong byahe. Uncomfortable. Mas lalo lang akong nabwisit sa kapatid ko talaga.

“May aayusin lang ako sa work mamaya tapos hatid kita,” I told him.

“Nako, ’wag na.”

“Hatid kita, Pa,” sabi ko. “Wag ka na makipagtalo. Alam mo naman na matigas ulo ko.”

Natawa siya nang saglit. Kung hindi lang ako kamukha ng tatay ko e iisipin ko talaga na ampon ako dahil ang sama ng trato sa akin ng pamilya ko. But sure ako na anak ako ng tatay ko. Parang mas may chance na hindi ako anak ni Mama, pero weird naman kung anak ako ng ibang babae tapos siya lang nagpalaki sa akin? Sobrang mala-teledrama naman kung ganon.

“Sige,” sabi niya. “Sa bahay ka na rin matulog.”

“Uwi rin ako after,” I replied.

“E magcocommute na lang ako. Mapapagod ka sa byahe.”

“Pa naman…” I said because I knew him enough to know kung ano ba talaga ang tunay na agenda kung bakit siya nandito. “Di naman kami nag-aaway ni Mama.”

“Wala naman akong sinabi,” he said, feigning innocence. Akala niya naman eepekto e sa kanya ko nakuha ’yung ganyan.

“Hatid na lang kita, ha?”

“Magusap na lang kayo ni Mama mo. Mahirap may kaaway,” sabi niya sa akin.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Mabuti na lang at dumating iyong pagkain namin kasi ayoko naman na mag-rant tungkol sa mga chaka kong kamag-anak. Alam naman ni Papa ’yon. Hindi rin naman ako galit sa kanya na hindi niya ako maipagtanggol kasi isa lang siya. Ayoko rin naman na pagkaisahan siya ng mga ’yon. Lakas trip pa naman nung mga Tita ko.

After lunch, hinatid ko muna si Papa sa condo para doon siya magpahinga habang may inaayos lang ako sa work. I got a feeling na sa Bataan ako matutulog. Hirap kasing humindi sa tatay ko.

I arranged everything and left clear instruction sa mga pendings. Nag-early out ako tapos ay dumiretso na sa condo. Pagdating ko roon, naabutan ko na naglilinis si Papa. Agad akong natawa.

“Madumi ba ’yung condo ko?”

“Hindi naman. Wala lang akong magawa,” he said. Ganyan siya simula nung nag-retire, e. Laging naghahanap ng gagawin. “Tapos na ba trabaho mo?”

I nodded. “Palit lang akong damit, Pa, tapos alis na tayo.”

I took a quick shower and changed into comfortable clothes. I also packed an overnight bag. I charged my phone and my eyes widened nang makita ko iyong notification mula sa Instagram. Fuck. I forgot na may date nga pala ako ngayon!

‘Made a reservation at 8PM. What time do you want me to pick you up?’

Fuck.

Nakatitig lang ako roon at hindi alam ang gagawin. Would it sound like I was bailing out on him? Kahit hindi naman? But magsasabi naman ako ng totoo. It’s up to him if hindi siya maniniwala sa akin.

No games, sabi nga niya. I’d just be honest.

‘Hey. I hate to cancel but I need to go to Bataan.’

‘Bataan?’ he replied quite quickly. ‘I thought you’re not coming back there?’

I was typing a response when I received another message from him.

‘Can I call instead?’

‘Okay.’

And not one more second, nakita ko na tumatawag sa akin iyong Pablo’s Bar Instagram account . Up until now, it’s still super weird na sa business account niya kami naguusap.

‘Is everything okay?’ he asked nang sagutin ko iyong tawag.

‘Yes. Sorry to cancel last minute,’ sagot ko kasi mukhang nahanda niya na lahat. Knowing him, for sure naka-ready na rin iyong isusuot niya. It’s a shame na hindi ko makikita iyon. He looked so damn nice when he’s in formal wear.

‘It’s fine,’ sabi niya. ‘Why are you going to Bataan? If you don’t mind me asking.’

Pinaliwanag ko sa kanya iyong situation—na nandito si Papa at kailangan ko siyang ihatid pabalik kasi nag-commute lang siya dahil apparently kinuha nung maldita kong kapatid iyong sasakyan na ako iyong nagbayad. To think na kakatapos ko lang magbayad nung a few months ago!

‘Do you want me to go with you? I can drive.’

‘No, but thanks for the offer,’ I said, truly appreciating the offer from his part. ‘I think I’ll stay the night there. Gusto niya na magusap kami ni Mama.’

‘Okay.’

‘Thanks for the offer,’ I repeated. ‘And sorry for cancelling again.’

‘It’s fine.’

‘Take a raincheck?’

‘Definitely. Tell me the next time you’re free.’

‘I will.’

‘Drive safely.’

‘I will. Have a nice night at work.’

‘Yeah, hopefully.’

‘May you get people drunk.’

I heard his chuckle. Damn, ang gwapo talaga, e. ‘That’s the goal.’

Why was it so hard to say goodbye? Ang weird. Totoo pala talaga iyong it’s not about how long you know someone, noh? Minsan, when you know, you know. Kahit sa amin ni Pablo, hindi ko pa naman talaga clearly know.

I mean, if hindi dumating si Papa, I felt like I would’ve known tonight. Mukha namang sasabihin ni Pablo sa akin… maybe. Or if not, I would ask him myself. Busy kami pareho. At least cut to the chase na sana.

‘So… bye,’ I said.

‘See you later,’ was his reply.

‘You definitely will,’ sagot ko bago pinatay iyong tawag dahil narinig ko iyong katok ni Papa sa pinto.

Papa volunteered to drive dahil pagod ako sa trabaho daw. Pumayag na ako since tinatamad din naman ako. Weirdly enough, walang masyadong traffic. I was counting on it pa naman na ma-stranded kami para sana gabi na kami makarating para tulog na sila Mama.

Pagdating namin sa bahay, napakunot ang noo ko nang makita ko si Therese na katabi ni Mama sa sofa habang nanonood ng movie.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I asked dahil ’di ba kasal na siya? So bakit siya nandito?

“Bakit hindi? Bahay niya naman ’to?” sagot ni Mama sa akin.

My lips parted. I was asking an innocent question. Bakit nga ba ulit ako nandito? Why was I torturing myself when I could’ve been in a nice dinner right now with a really hot man?

Therese looked at me like she was mad at me. Ano na naman ang problema ng isang ’to? Ngayon ko nga lang siya ulit nakita after nung kasal niya.

I bit my tongue.

“May dala kaming pagkain. Maghapunan na tayo,” Papa said, trying to diffuse the situation.

Tumayo si Mama at pumunta sa kusina. Naiwan si Therese at ako sa salas. She was looking at me, not saying anything. Medyo nakakapanibago dahil usually ay marami siyang comment sa buhay ko.

“Kinuha mo pala ’yung sasakyan ni Papa,” I said, unable to hold myself back. At least wala si Mama para kampihan siya.

“Sira sasakyan ko,” she replied. The tone wasn’t the usual gentle voice. Mukhang ito ang totoong tono niya. Who would’ve known?

“Bakit ’di mo gamitin ’yung sa asawa mo?”

She looked at me like she’s upset. “Seryoso ka ba, Ate?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Seryoso saan? Na gamitin mo sasakyan ni Leo? Oo naman? Bakit naman ako mag-jojoke sa ganon?” napipikon na tanong ko sa kanya kasi wala naman kaming audience para magpaawa siya ngayon.

“Pagkatapos mong sirain iyong kasal namin?”

My lips parted. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Paano magiging maayos iyong kasal namin kung alam ko na hindi ka pa rin nakaka-move on, Ate?”

Oh, fuck.

Bakit ito na naman?!

“Baliw ka ba?” seryosong tanong ko sa kanya. “Seryoso, Therese, nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Naalog ba utak mo? O baka bobo ka lang talaga since birth kaya kahit simpleng concept ng moving on e hindi mo maintindihan?”

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya nang bigla kong maramdaman na may humampas sa likod ko and once again, I was fucking reminded kung bakit hindi ako dapat pumunta rito.

Ni hindi ko naintindihan iyong sinasabi ni Mama. All I knew was that she was protecting her daughter once again. At this point, I would not consider myself as her daughter anymore. Kasi kung anak niya ako, bakit ganito? Mukha akong outsider sa sarili kong pamilya dapat.

I left nang bitawan niya ako.

Diretso akong naglakad palabas.

My eyes were clouded with tears. Ni hindi ako makapasok sa sasakyan ko dahil naiwan ko iyong susi sa loob. Naiwan ko pati cellphone ko. Ayokong bumalik doon. Naglakad lang ako kahit hindi ko alam kung saan ako papunta.

“Cerise…”

Napahinto ako nang makita ko iyong sasakyan ni Leo. He got out of the car and walked towards me. The expression his face told me that he knew what happened. Of course he knew—we’d been friends for so long. Alam niya iyong sitwasyon ko sa bahay.

And I knew it was wrong and I shouldn’t have done this… but I was just so fucking pissed off and felt so… unwanted… and unloved… that I just hugged him and let myself cry. 

**

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Chapter 18

Chapter 18

“Sorry,” sabi ko kay Leo nang bumitaw ako sa yakap.

“Ayos ka lang ba?” tanong niya.

Tumango ako habang nagpupunas ng luha. I tried to smile at him, but that smile was quick to disappear. I didn’t know why I even bothered to lie to him gayong alam naman niya iyong sitwasyon sa bahay at sa pamilya namin. But I just didn’t feel comfortable talking about this with him—nandyan na si Therese. Of course as her husband, he’ll take her side.

“Sigurado ka?”

“Yes,” sagot ko sa kanya. Huminga ako nang malalim. “Pwede favor?” I asked.

“Ano?”

“Naiwan ko kasi gamit ko. Pupunta ka naman sa bahay, ’di ba?” I asked and he gave me a small nod. “Pasabi naman kay Papa na hintayin ko siya sa may tindahan ’dun sa kabilang kanto. Padala na lang nung gamit ko kamo.”

“Maglalakad ka magisa?” he asked. I nodded. “Gabi na.”

“So? ’Di naman ako maliligaw,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Delikado na.”

“Dito ako lumaki.”

“Pero sa Maynila ka na nakatira—ang dami ng nagbago dito. Hindi na safe kagaya dati.”

Medyo natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko ay may iba pa siyang ibig sabihin doon, but I consciously chose to gloss over it. I was done with Leo. What I was not done with was the fact that people were not done talking about how I was not done with him. Paano ako makakaalis doon kung palagi nila akong hinahatak pabalik para alalahanin?

This was one of the times that I wished that my family would be one of those who just sweeps things under the rug—hindi kagaya nito na lahat gustong pagusapan kahit hindi naman na dapat pagusapan.

Umiling ako. “No, I’ll be fine,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Pumunta ka na ’dun.”

Hindi gumalaw si Leo. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. Napabuntung-hininga ako. Palagi na lang ganito kapag pumupunta ako sa Bataan… yet I always found myself ending in the exact same situation. Para akong bata na hindi natututo sa mga pagkakamali na nagawa ko.

“Baka may makakita pa sa atin,” I said.

“Ano naman?”

“Gusto mong magaway kayo lalo ni Therese?” I asked and there was a recognition on his face na para bang natumbok ko iyong dahilan ng pagaaway nilang dalawa. I looked up and groaned because this was honestly so fucking frustrating. Like why would no one believe me na naka-move on na ako kay Leo?! Did they think na he has a magic dick na tipong hindi ko malilimutan at hahanap-hanapin ko hanggang sa mamatay ako?

“Seriously? Bakit niyo ako pinagaawayan?”

“Hindi ka namin pinagaawayan,” he said.

“So bakit nasa bahay siya nila Mama instead na sa kung saan man kayong dalawa nakatira?” I asked dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang ganap sa kanilang dalawa dahil nga wala akong pakielam. Bakit ba hindi ma-gets ’to ng kamaganak namin? Na may buhay ako sa Manila at busy ako para isipin pa silang dalawa?

Naghintay ako pero hindi nagsalita si Leo.

I shrugged. “Suit yourself,” sabi ko sa kanya. Nagsimula na akong maglakad nang marinig ko iyong boses niya. I didn’t stop walking, but I slowed down.

“Sabihin ko kay Papa,” he said.

“Thank you.”

“Problemang magasawa,” he said na para bang explanation niya iyon kung bakit ayaw niyang sabihin sa akin. I mean, gets ko naman. Pero kung ano ang pinagaawayan nila, hindi ba dapat ko ring malaman?

Ilang linggo pa lang sila na kasal, may ganon na agad? Hindi ba dapat honeymoon phase muna?

“Yeah… Good luck with that.”

Thankfully, may mga poste naman sa daan kaya hindi ako kinabahan na maglakad. Medyo malapit lang din naman iyong pupuntahan ko. Pagdating ko roon, nakipagkwentuhan muna sa akin iyong tindera.

“Ano ’yan, Pa?” tanong ko nang may iabot sa akin si Papa na paperbag.

“Gamit mo,” he said. “Saka may pagkain d’yan. Kumain ka muna.”

My lips parted. Gusto ko sanang sabihin na agad na babalik na ako sa Manila, but looking at his face, I felt bad. Halata naman na naiipit siya sa aming tatlo. Ayoko siyang papiliin and never ko siyang papapiliin…

I didn’t have the heart to break his heart kaya naman kumain muna ako nang tahimik. Pinuntahan ako ni Papa sa Maynila para magkausap sana kami nila Mama, pero ganoon agad ang bungad. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin ngayon na tigil na muna siguro… Give it more time… Siguro…

I was looking anywhere but at his face kasi mabilis ako makonsensya when it came to him. Habang kumakain ako, kinuha ko iyong phone ko to check messages. Sana may work related emergency or anything lang to occupy a space in my mind.

‘Already made an arrangement with someone to work the shift tonight, so I have nothing to do. I can just drive there to meet you. No offense, but I feel like you’ll need a shoulder to cry on tonight.’

Kumunot ang noo ko nang mabasa ko iyong text ni Pablo.

‘You’re probably busy but heads up that I’m already on my way there. If you can’t meet me, it’s fine. I’ll be a tourist and explore Bataan.’

The last message was hours ago. Pumunta siya rito? Dito sa Bataan? I tried to refresh our message thread, pero wala akong nabasa na bagong message mula sa kanya. Nakarating ba siya rito? But it’s been hours. Kahit maabutan siya ng traffic, for sure nandito na siya ngayon.

‘Hey sorry I just read your message. You’re right though about the shoulder to cry on. Nandito ka na ba?’

I stared at the message na para bang ineexpect ko na bigla niyang makikita iyon at magrereply siya kung nasaan siya. But after a minute, ibinaba ko na iyong phone. Nakita ko na nakatingin sa akin si Papa.

“Bakit?” I asked.

“Babalik ka na ba?”

“Sa Maynila? Opo.”

Akala ko ay kokontrahin niya ako. Instead, naupo lang siya sa tabi ko. Tumingin siya sa akin.

“Alam ko naman na umuuwi ka lang dito para sa ’kin.”

Natawa ako. “Feeler ka, Papa.”

Napangiti siya. “Kapag nawala ako—”

Agad akong natigilan. “May sakit ka ba, Papa?” I asked as I felt fear crawl in my system. Ramdam ko iyong panlalamig ng buong katawan ko. I couldn’t even begin to imagine a life without him. Alam ko na lagi akong nasa Maynila, pero kahit nandoon ako, laging nandyan si Papa para sa akin, para suportahan ako.

I would just… I would just lose it kapag may nangyari sa kanya.

Even the thought of losing him was making it hard to breathe.

“Wala,” he said. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang naninikip ang dibdib ko. “Wala akong sakit,” he repeated, but it wasn’t enough to pacify me. “Ang akin lang, kapag nawala ako, maiintindihan ko kung hindi ka na babalik dito. Masaya ka naman sa Maynila, ’di ba?”

Hindi ako makasagot sa tanong niya.

Something didn’t feel right.

Para akong masusuka.

“Pa, kung may sakit ka, sabihin mo na ngayon pa lang dahil hindi ako natutuwa sa mga ganitong surprise.”

Napangiti siya at hinawakan iyong kamay ko. “Wala nga akong sakit,” sabi niya. “Pasensya na rin at pinilit kitang umuwi rito. Alam ko may diperensya kayo ng Mama mo pero hindi ko alam na ganito pala… Pasensya na, anak…”

Nakatingin ako sa mga binti ko habang mabilis na nanlalabo ang paninigin ko.

“Di mo na kailangan bumalik dito. Ako na luluwas sa Maynila kapag namimiss kita.”

Pinunasan ko iyong mga mata ko. “Pwede naman kita sunduin dito. Nakakapagod mag-drive…”

“Di ba’t sabi mo e lalabas na iyong anniversary issue mo sa trabaho? Walang bilihan dito nung magazine mo. Kailan ba lalabas ’yon para makaluwas ako para bumili?”

Tinawanan ako ni Papa dahil umiiyak lang ako. Kahit iyong mga dumadaan sa harap ng tindahan ay napapatingin sa amin. Alam ko na iisipin nila na nagaway kami sa bahay. Alam naman nila. Maliit lang ang barangay namin. Pero wala na akong pakielam—si Papa lang naman ang inuuwian ko rito.

“Uuwi ka na ba?” sabi ni Papa nang tumahan ako.

Tumango ako. “Ayoko matulog sa bahay…”

“Uuwi ka ng ganyan? Pugto pa iyong mata mo,” sabi niya. “Di ko ibig sabihin na sa bahay ka. Sa hotel ka muna matulog,” dugtong niya.

“Wag na. Babayad pa ako.”

“Ako magbabayad,” sabi niya.

“Ang galante, Pa.”

Natawa siya. “Kakakuha ko lang ulit nung sa retirement,” sabi niya sa akin. Ayoko na makipagtalo kay Papa kaya pumayag na lang din ako. Bumalik siya sa bahay para kunin iyong sasakyan ko. I promised him na hindi ako babalik sa Manila at dito ako matutulog. It sounded like a good idea anyway… Pagod na ako sa trabaho, sa pagdrive papunta rito, sa pagtatalo namin ni Mama at Therese, at sa pagiyak ko kay Papa.

Pinuntahan ko lang iyong pinakaunang decent hotel na nakita ko. I checked in the cheapest room dahil si Papa ang magbabayad. I knew na kahit sabihin ko na ako lang, ipipilit niya na siya ang magbabayad.

After a resting for a while, I decided to go out dahil hindi ako makatulog. I regret not bringing my laptop with me para sana nakapag-work ako. Wala rin akong dalang sapatos para makapag-jogging or exercise. Instead, I went out to look for a convenience store para bumili ng wine or anuman para makatulog agad ako. I badly wanted to sleep para hindi na ako mag-isip pa.

“Hey,” sabi ko nang magkasalubong kami ni Pablo. He was walking out of the convenience store. He was holding a paperbag shaped like a bottle.

“Apparently, we share the same brain,” I commented dahil mukhang iinom din siya.

“Yeah,” he replied without enthusiasm.

Umayos ako sa tayo. “You’re still here pala.”

He nodded. “Too tired to drive back.”

“Same,” sabi ko. “Papa asked me na ’wag mag-drive pauwi.”

I wanted to tell him about what happened. I knew he cared enough dahil bakit pa siya pupunta rito kung wala naman siyang pakielam sa akin? He wanted to be here for me—to be the shoulder to cry on.

“Pablo—”

“Look—” he said kaya naman natigilan ako. Napatingin ako sa kanya at napakunot ang noo. “Clearly, I like you.”

My lips parted.

“But you still have some unfinished business with your ex.”

“Are you serious?”

Hindi siya nagsalita.

“You sound just like them,” medyo naiirita na sabi ko dahil akala ko iba siya—ganon din pala siya. Bakit ba mas marunong sila sa nararamdaman ko?

“At one point, Cerise, if everyone’s telling you the same thing, doesn’t it make you wonder if maybe there’s a reason why they’re all thinking the same thing?”

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya.

I couldn’t believe I was hearing it from him.

After I told him kung gaano ako nafu-frustrate na walang naniniwala at nakikinig sa akin, biglang ganon na din siya?

“Surely it cannot be just a coincidence,” he said.

“Or maybe you all think you know better than me.”

Hindi siya sumagot agad. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

“I like you,” he said.

“You have a funny way of showing it,” I snapped back.

“But I can’t date you until you’re over him. I can’t be a rebound. I can’t be someone’s afterthought. And most importantly, I don’t share.”

Tumingin ako sa mga mata niya. “I am over him.”

Bahagya siyang napailing na para bang iniisip niya kung gaano katigas ang ulo ko.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” he said as he walked past me.

“So, that’s it?” tanong ko habang nakatalikod pa rin sa kanya. “Are we still going to talk? Will you ignore me again?”

“We can talk once you figure your feelings out.”

“I can’t do this shit with you, Pablo. You’re stringing me along.”

“No, I’m setting clear boundaries.”

“Bullshit.”

“Just finish your business, Cerise. It’ll be good for you,” he said before I heard his footsteps quickly fade. 

**

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Chapter 19

Chapter 19

“Parang gago naman,” Jana said nung magkita kami.

“Agreed,” I replied. “Sobrang gago.”

“Did he even ask kung okay ka lang? Kasi ’di ba nung nakita ka niya, yakap mo si Leo? Siguro naman nakita niya how upset you were?”

I just shrugged and focused on my wine. It had been a week simula nung mangyari iyong kay Pablo. I was so upset with everything na gusto ko nang umalis sa lugar na iyon. Para kasi talagang may sumpa na every time babalik ako roon, mayroong kagaguhan na nangyayari sa akin. It’s like the universe was already giving me clear signs na ‘go far and never return’ pero itong si gaga, bumabalik pa rin.

I really was my worst enemy.

“I don’t even know for sure if nakita niya ako,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Pretty sure nakita niya because out of nowhere lang na bigla niyang binanggit si Leo.”

“I don’t know,” sagot ko. “And at this point, I honestly don’t give a shit anymore.”

Jana patted my head like I was some child. Hinampas ko iyong kamay niya at saka inirapan siya.

“So, done na talaga kay Mr. Pablo Narvaez?”

“Yup. Done and dumped.”

Natawa siya. “Grabe naman sa dumped. Basura ’yan?”

I shrugged. “Any guy who plays with your feelings is trash,” I said and then poured myself another glass of wine. Nandito lang kami sa condo ko ngayon. Hindi na ako lumalabas masyado sa gabi. Ewan ko. For sure naman hindi kami magkikita ni Pablo dahil nasa bar niya lang naman ’yon kapag gabi, but still. Also, hindi na ako pumupunta sa grocery. I just order my grocery and pick it up kapag nasa labas na ng building iyong delivery guy.

Tss. I was doing a lot para lang hindi siya makita.

“Amen to that, sister,” sabi ni Jana.

“Tigilan mo nga ako.”

“Bakit ba? Supportive nga ako!”

“Never ka naman naka-encounter non kasi swerte ka sa lovelife.”

“Gusto mo ba i-break ko muna para sabay tayong broken?”

“Gaga,” sabi ko tapos nagusap na lang kami tungkol sa ibang bagay. After a while, umalis na rin siya dahil nasa baba na iyong sundo niya. I wanted to sleep already, but I couldn’t. I felt like I had all this energy. In the end, I decided to go for a run. Safe naman sa neighborhood ko. Ayoko rin kasi na sa treadmill sa gym. I wanted fresh air—I mean, as fresh as the Manila air could offer, I guess.

I just threw on my running shorts, some dri-fit shirt, and my running shoes. Paglabas ko, dumiretso na akong tumakbo. I liked running because it allows me to free my mind. I was only focus on running—sometimes nga, parang hindi ko na rin napapansin kung ano iyong mga nasa paligid ko. It’s a nice way to recalibrate.

After a while, I stopped by a convenience store to buy some water. Nang makakuha ako ng tubig doon sa may ref, pagtalikod ko ay nakita ko si Paul. Just my fucking luck, really.

“Hey,” he said with that usual smile of his.

“Hi,” I replied, smiling back just to be polite. Why couldn’t I just be rude, really? Kahit sa pamilya ko, it took a long time bago ako nagsimulang sumagot-sagot sa kanila. For the longest time, I was just quietly taking the hits.

“Just finished running?” he asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “Nice to see you.”

Sinubukan kong umalis pero agad akong napatigil nang tawagin niya iyong pangalan ko. I stopped on my tracks, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.

“What?” I asked nicely kahit na at this point, napaisip na naman ako na sana nag-stay na lang ako sa condo ko para at least nakatapos man lang ako ng isang araw na walang lalaking bu-bwisit sa akin.

“I know you don’t like me,” sabi niya.

My eyes widened for a bit. “What?”

“Come on, it’s fine,” he said. “I promise I’m not usually this… annoying,” he continued.

Oh, great. Now, he’s starting to make me feel bad kasi tuwing naiisip ko siya, ang naiisip ko lang ay kung gaano siya ka-annoying. Why was he suddenly trying to be nice now?

“You’re just very… intimidating. And I try to compensate on other things like being… arrogant—I guess I went overboard,” sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

“I’m intimidating?” natatawa na sabi ko.

“You are,” sabi niya. “My dad speaks highly of you.”

My lips parted.

“Oh, wow.”

“Yeah. But don’t tell him I said that—you know how he is with praising people for their good work. Quite stingy,” Paul said with that boyish smile of his that usually doesn’t work with me, but for some odd reasons, it’s working quite well at the moment. And to be honest, he still looks good kahit pawis din siya sa pagtakbo gaya ko.

“It’ll be our secret,” I replied.

“Our secret? Sounds nice,” sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Seems redundant since you’re already asking,” I said at natawa siya nang bahagya.

“Touche,” he replied. “But… are you still with that guy?”

“What guy?”

“Your boyfriend,” he said at napaawang ang labi ko. Right… Nagkita nga pala sila ni Pablo sa grocery. God. That felt like a lifetime ago pa. Parang ang dami ng nangyari kahit hindi pa naman talaga ganoon katagal ang panahon na lumipas.

“Oh… him,” sabi ko na lang.

“From the tone of your voice, I’m guessing that it didn’t go well?” tanong niya sa akin tapos hindi na lang ako sumagot, and instead just gave a small smile.

“Sorry to hear that… but not really sorry,” sabi niya.

“Wow, thanks,” I replied and he gave me his boyish grin.

“I’m just gonna go for it,” he continued. “One dinner. Just one. If you don’t like it, I promise I will not bother you anymore,” he added and he said these while looking straight into my eyes at for some reason, ewan ko pero ramdam na ramdam ko iyong kaba niya. Seryoso ba na gusto niya talaga ako? Because for the longest time, I thought he was just doing it for the challenge—na he could literally get anyone but for some reason, he wants me more kasi ayoko sa kanya. But… I guess this boy really did like me. Weird but whatever.

“Fine,” I said.

Natawa siya. “Thank you, even if it sounds forced.”

“Well, at least you’re not oblivious pala.”

“No, not at all—that’s why I know you’re not my biggest fan.”

“I most definitely am not,” sabi ko. “Just tell me the details about the dinner. I promise I’ll show up.”

He nodded. “Will do,” he replied with a smile. “Have a nice run.”

“You, too,” sabi ko bago ako nagbayad dun sa binili kong tubig at saka lumabas na.

I went on with my life and my work. I already made plans with my dad na susunduin ko siya somewhere near the house and we’ll do a roadtrip o kung anuman. Kinabahan kasi talaga ako nung sinabi niya sa akin na ’wag na akong babalik sa Bataan lalo na kapag wala na siya. It felt like a premonition of some kind. Kung pwede nga lang na sa condo ko na rin siya, e, because suddenly, it felt like time was ticking.

I hated it.

I hated the thought of losing him.

“Thank you,” I said when Paul opened the door for me. I told him na I’d meet him sa resto na lang, but he insisted to pick me up from my condo saying, this is a formal date and all that. I said yes na lang since after naman nito, he promised na titigilan niya na ako.

We went to some resto na alam ko ay months ang waiting period. Must be nice to be this rich and influential—you have access to the kinds of things ordinary people have to wait for.

Paul was saying something nang bigla akong matigilan nang makita ko si Pablo na nakaupo. He was there with someone—someone who looks much younger than him. So, ganito ba ang type niya? Bata?

“Why?” Paul asked when I halted. Hindi niya alam na nakita ko si Pablo. For sure makikilala niya kapag nakita niya na nakaupo roon.

“Nothing,” I said, but too late na kasi nakita niya na si Pablo.

“Do you want to go to another restaurant?” he asked.

Para bang naramdaman niya na pinaguusapan namin siya kaya napatingin sa gawi namin si Pablo. His eyes were on me tapos ay napunta iyon kay Paul.

And boy, he did not like what he saw.

“No,” I said.

Bakit kami lilipat? Ano ko ba si Pablo? He’s the one who told me na he couldn’t do this anymore with me kahit na sa totoo lang, wala pa naman kaming nasisimulan talaga para itigil iyon. Besides, ni hindi nga ako makapag-grocery dahil sa kanya. Pati ba naman sa mga restaurants, siya pa rin ang magmamay-ari nun? Para kaming naghatian ng mga lugar sa Maynila na pwedeng puntahan tapos so far, puro siya ang pwede.

“Are you sure?”

“Affirmative,” I told Paul.

Paul looked like he’d rather that we go someplace else, pero wala siyang magawa dahil sinabi ko na dito kami. We were ushered to our seat—and as if the universe was playing a joke on us dahil doon kami sa tabi ng table nila Pablo nakaupo… at magkatalikod kami.

Great.

Just fucking great.

“Are you fine?” Paul asked.

“Yes,” I said. “How will I enjoy this date if all you’ll ask is if I am fine?”

Natawa si Paul. “Right… I’m sorry,” sabi niya.

The menu was given to us and medyo hindi ko alam kung ano ang pipiliin ko kasi puro French words iyong nakalagay and walang picture—actually, wala ring price so medyo nakakakaba, but like, I can pay din naman.

“What do you recommend?” I asked Paul.

“I really like the chateubriand ,” he said and then proceeded to recommending some other food that he thought I would like. I was just listening to him as he spoke some French word. It was actually sexy—him speaking French.

We ordered food and then proceeded to talking. Paul’s actually nice to talk to when he’s not full of himself. I mean, he’s still a bit arrogant, but I guess it comes from the territory when you’re born with the privilege that he has. Actually, may kilala naman ako na mas mayabang sa kanya. Mas iwas lang ako kay Paul dahil siya iyong lagi kong nakikita.

“Excuse me,” sabi ko after a while at tumayo ako papunta sa CR. I just washed my hand and sent a quick text to Jana. Sabi niya kasi mag-text ako sa kanya if okay iyong date kasi kapag hindi, she’ll call and make up some emergency para makaalis ako. Good friend, that one.

After sending a text na so far nag-eenjoy ako (I didn’t tel her na nandito si Pablo because I refuse to give him a main role in my story), lumabas na ako, pero natigilan ako nang makita ko si Pablo.

“Were you waiting for me like some stalker?” tanong ko agad sa kanya.

“No,” he replied.

“Alright,” I said, shrugging, dahil malay ko ba na nagpunta rin siya sa CR? Baka sabay kaming tinawag ng kalikasan?

“So, you’re on a date,” sabi niya bago pa man ako maka-isang hakbang paalis.

“Yes,” I replied. I bit my tongue and stopped myself from pointing out the fact na mayroon din naman siyang kasama. Ayoko lang isipin niya na may pakielam ako kahit sa totoo lang, meron pa rin naman.

“I thought you hated the guy,” he said.

“Thought so, too. Turned out, he’s actually okay.”

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. Nakatingin lang din ako sa kanya. I knew I should be leaving, yet here I was, just giving back the same energy that he was giving me.

“Do you still have anything to say?” I asked.

He still wasn’t saying anything yet even his stare alone was unnerving.

“Have you talked to Leo?” he asked. It was the first time he’d said his name.

“No, because there’s nothing to talk about,” sagot ko.

He was looking at me like he’s disappointed.

“Also, thanks for asking me how I was when you saw me crying in Bataan. I really appreciated it,” I said while staring into his eyes so that he’d know how disappointed I was in him na mas inuna niya pa iyong feelings niya kaysa sa akin na nakita niya na namang umiiyak.

Maybe… maybe Pablo’s not all that.

**

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Chapter 20

Chapter 20

“Do you have anything you want to say?” tanong ko kay Pablo nang marinig ko siyang mag-snicker sa sinabi ni Paul. Ni hindi ko maalala iyong sinabi ni Paul kasi nakaka-distract iyong reaction ni Pablo sa usapan namin. Also, a little privacy would be nice! Bakit ba ang high-end na resto nito but for some reason feeling ko ay masyado kaming dikit dalawa!

“Are you talking to me?” bigla niyang sabi.

“Obviously,” I replied sarcastically.

“No, I have nothing to say.”

“Great,” sabi ko tapos ay ibinalik ko iyong atensyon ko kay Paul. I looked at him. “I’m so sorry,” I said.

“No, it’s fine,” he replied pero halata naman na naiinis na rin siya. I was actually pretty impressed na hindi pa siya tumatayo para suntukin si Pablo. Baka talagang mali lang ang pagkakakilala ko kay Paul dahil parang wala naman siyang impulse problem like I thought before.

The dinner continued and I really tried to focus my attention kay Paul dahil siya ang kasama ko.

“Do you want any dessert?” Paul asked.

“No,” I said. “Maybe next time,” dugtong ko dahil gusto ko nang umalis dito dahil konti na lang ay sisikuhin ko na ’tong lalaki sa likuran ko. He’s on a date, too! Bakit hindi siya roon mag-focus at bakit niya ako ginugulo? He’s so infuriating at times!

“So… there’s a next time?”

I shrugged. “Yes, but not anytime soon. Busy with the anniv issue.”

“Right… I heard about that.”

“With your dad? What did he say?”

Natawa si Paul. “No, not from my dad, but I can ask him if you want.”

Mabilis akong nailing. “No, don’t ask him,” nag-panic na sabi ko tapos natawa lang siya.

Paul paid the bill and then we went out na. Finally. Na-stress ako kay Pablo kahit technically, hindi naman kami magkasama. Paul dropped me off in front of the condo.

“Thanks,” I said when he pulled over.

“Did you enjoy?”

“Surprisingly, I did.”

“Thank you,” sabi niya na para bang kinabahan talaga siya na hindi ako nag-enjoy.

I gave him a smile. I actually didn’t know if I should kiss him. I mean, if he kisses me now, I’d be fine with it. Gwapo naman si Paul, no doubt about it. He was just super annoying to me before, but I was starting to see him in another light. So, if he kisses me tonight, I would be fine with it, but at the same time, I didn’t like him enough to initiate the kiss.

“I’ll see you again,” he said, instead. “Good luck on the anniversary issue.”

I smiled as I got out of the car. So, apparently, not only he was not annoying, he can be a gentleman, as well… I learned a lot of things tonight, that’s for sure.

Pagdating ko sa condo, I removed my makeup and took a shower. Then I poured myself a glass of wine para lang makatulog ako nang mabilis. I got my phone and was browsing in Instagram for inspiration. I like looking at Instagram and Pinterest for inspiration sa mga layouts namin. People are so creative. But of course, we put our spin on it din naman kasi if not, that would be just us being a copycat. But then again, isn’t every art just derived from something else? It’s very derivative.

I was about to click on the top of my screen to click do not disturb sana dahil matutulog ako nang biglang may lumabas na in-app notice sa DM ng Pablo’s. Fuck, napindot ko bigla! Ayan tuloy, nag-seen na ako!

‘Did you enjoy the night?’ he asked.

‘Yes, I did despite your presence,’ I replied.

‘I was there first.’

‘I know.’

‘You could’ve left.’

‘Why would I?’

‘Exactly.’

I hated na kahit ganito iyong usapan namin ay nag-eenjoy ako. I hated how I liked our ‘banter.’ It’s just so annoying how the same person can excite and infuriate you at the same time! Like he’s both the best and the worst.

Hindi na ako nag-reply pa. I was trying to move on from him—move on kahit wala naman talagang nasimulan. But I was tired of his bullshit—of his push and pull. Busy ako sa trabaho. Marami akong ginagawa. Really, the last thing that I wanted was to second guess kung ano ba talaga ang gusto niyang mangyari.

‘Are you busy?’

‘Why are you suddenly like this?’ I asked. ‘You were silent the whole time and the moment you saw me with Paul, you’re acting like a child whose toy was being played by someone else.’

‘So his name’s Paul.’

‘Selective reading.’

‘No,’ he replied. ‘It’s just that the other things you said are completely false.’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘I still would’ve talked to you even without that Paul,’ he messaged. ‘I was just waiting for you to finish your business.’

‘I told you there is no business to finish.’

‘If you say so.’

‘You are infuriating.’

‘Better than you not giving a shit about me.’

Oh, my god.

‘It’s so weird that you’re messaging me like this using your business account. So unprofessional.’

Hindi agad siya nag-reply. Napakunot ang noo ko. Did I go overboard? Offensive ba iyong sinabi ko sa kanya? And why was I overthinking again? Bakit ba sa kanya na lang ako lagi nag-ooverthink?

Ibinaba ko na iyong phone ko at ayoko naman na titigan lang iyon. Nakakainis. Nakakainis na ayaw mo naman ma-attach since nag-dedetach ka nga kaso paano mo ’yon gagawin kung ganito na kausap mo? Ang hirap hindi ma-attach kapag lagi mong kausap.

Why was I in this situation yet again?

Why was it so hard to just ignore his message like how it was easy for him to go for weeks without talking me? Why was I longing for his presence when my absence didn’t bother him?

Bakit ako nagkakaroon ng life crisis dahil sa kanya?

Para bang mata ng agila iyong mga mata ko nang biglang mag-ilaw iyong phone ko. I hated how I felt this freaking excitement nung makita ko iyong logo ng Instagram sa screen.

‘I messaged you.’

‘What?’

‘Didn’t you see it?’

‘You’re not making any sense.’

‘I made an account.’

‘What?’

‘I made a personal account here, I guess?’

Napaawang ang labi ko. I immediately went to my message request at nakita ko na may message doon from 37 minutes ago. I clicked on it and it said ‘Hi.’

‘Seriously? User17381010?’ I asked kasi iyong iyong username na nakalagay sa account na feeling ko ay sa kanya.

‘Well, I tried my name but it said it’s already unavailable.’

‘So you thought to use that weirdass username?’

‘It’s fine. As long as I can communicate with you, who cares about the username.’

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I needed to remind myself that this was the same guy na mas pinili na ’wag akong pansinin kahit na nakita niya na umiiyak ako. I needed to remind myself na kahit gaano pa nakakabulag ang kagwapuhan niya, hindi ko kailangan ng inconsistent na lalaki.

I deserve better.

I like him, yes, but I deserve better and I will demand better—hindi kagaya before na tapunan niya lang ako ng tingin ay masaya na ako.

‘Okay.’

‘We’ll talk there?’

‘Sure but I’m gonna sleep.’

‘Already?’

‘It’s already my bed time.’

‘It’s 10pm.’

‘So?’

‘It’s early?’

‘Not for me.’

Na-seen iyong message ko tapos hindi siya nag-reply. It took me a bit of will para i-turn off iyong wi-fi at pilitin iyong sarili na matulog. Gusto ko pa siyang kausap, yes, but I needed to set boundaries from now on. I didn’t want to make myself readily available for him at all times. Hindi na ganon ngayon. Pakiramdam ko ay natanggal na iyong rose-colored shades ko and I was seeing some of the things that I didn’t like about him.

He’s not all that.

And if he wants me, he’s gonna have to work a little harder because news flash for him: it’s not gonna be as easy as before.

I went the whole day without checking my Instagram account. God, it was hard! I was very conscious about the fact that I was not checking my account. It reached the point na maaga kong natapos iyong mga kailangan kong gawin because that was how badly I needed to be distracted para lang hindi mag-check sa phone.

“Hey,” sabi ni Paul.

“Hey,” I replied back.

“I didn’t come here to ask you on a date because you said that you’re busy.”

I smiled kahit na sa totoo lang, natapos ko na lahat ng trabaho ko—ganoon ako ka-desperate ma-distract.

“Just wanted to say hi. Hope it’s not weird.”

“Not at all,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Looking forward to our next date—no pressure, though.”

“Yeah…” sabi ko tapos ay ngumiti na lang. Ayoko naman sabihin na naglu-look forward ako gayong alam ko sa sarili ko na kahit ma-bwisit ako kay Pablo, for some reason, that guy has me on chokehold.

Pagdating ko sa condo, around 9PM ako nagbukas ng Instagram.

‘It was good,’ reply ko sa message niya asking how my day was.

‘Great,’ he replied. ‘Is the bed time still 10PM?’

‘Yes.’

‘So I only have 50 minutes.’

‘More or less.’

‘Okay,’ he replied. ‘I have to make it count.’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ll call.’

‘What?’

‘I only have 50 minutes til bedtime. I have a lot of things I want to talk about. Typing is time consuming,’ he messaged. ‘I’ll call.’

Hind ako naka-reply sa pagka-bigla sa sinabi niya.

‘I prefer to actually go there and have a face to face conversation but I only have 50 minutes and the traffic won’t be on my side.’

Why was he being like this all of a sudden?! Dahil lang ba talaga kay Paul? If wala ba si Paul, hindi pa rin niya ako papansinin? Ang gago talaga nito!

‘Is it because of Paul?’

‘I already said no.’

Hindi ako sumagot.

And then there was a voice message.

I clicked on it.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinakabahan ako.

‘It’s not about him—I do not give a flying fuck about the guy, Cerise. I have plans to talk to you. I already told you that I like you. I was giving you time and space because I don’t want to be a replacement or a placeholder. I just did that before and it sucked. And with you, I know it would be worse than just sucking. I don’t want to go through that again. I thought I made myself clear enough, but apparently I wasn’t. I never told you that I didn’t like you—in fact, I should tell you again that I do like you. I am a busy person—I have other things that I can do instead of doing this, yet here I am recording this message.’

Narinig ko iyong paghinga niya nang malalim.

And then there was another voice message.

‘Again, if I wasn’t clear—I like you with or without that Paul in the picture.’

And then another message.

‘I like you—plain and simple.’

**

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Chapter 21

Chapter 21

I felt like as far as being consistent for someone na busy sa business niya, Pablo was being consistent. It was so weird tho when one morning, I received a bouquet of flower. May nakalagay lang na note na Have a good day. Walang nakalagay kung galing kanino.

‘Was the flowers from you?’

‘Yes. Who else would send it?’

‘Paul?’

‘Ah. My English version.’

Napaawang ang labi ko. Wow. Such audacity.

‘Or… you’re his Tagalog version.’

‘No. I’m older. I was here first.’

I bit my lower lip para hindi ako matawa but he was being ridiculous…ly cute. Ugh. I hated how easy it was for him na patawanin ako. Kahit siguro sobrang corny niya, matatawa pa rin ako.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself. No. Kalma lang tayo, Cerise. You’ve been here before. You made it too easy for him—time to take a step back and let him do the chasing. I mean, I wouldn’t let him chase me as in chase me. I felt like matanda na kami. He already told me that he likes me and hindi naman ako magsisinungaling pa sa sarili ko. I do like him. It’s just that I needed more now as compared to before na tignan niya lang ako ay okay na.

Consistency.

I needed him to be consistent this time.

No more push and pull.

No more games gaya ng sinabi niya before na parang hindi naman totoo.

‘Have a nice lunch,’ he messaged nung hindi ako naka-reply sa last message niya because I had to work on something. Instead of replying, I just reacted with a thumbs up sa message niya.

While I was having my lunch, napunta ako sa profile niya. It was empty. Like literally. Walang profile picture. Walang posted photos. Walang followers, but naka-follow sa akin.

Really, the bar is in hell dahil bakit kahit ganito lang ay kinikilig na ako?

‘Hey, Paul. Saw your dad earlier. He weirdly complimented me. Thought maybe you had something to do with that.’

Hindi ko alam kung tama ba na nag-message ako kay Paul, but I really thought about him when I saw his dad earlier. Sobrang stingy kasi nun sa praise, as in, which in hindsight, medyo okay rin naman. It makes you want to work harder para maka-receive ng compliment from him. And so far sa tagal ko sa company na ’to, ngayon lang ako naka-receive ng compliment sa kanya.

“So… ano kayo ngayon?” Jana asked when we met that night. Pablo asked me if I have dinner plans. The energy it took from me to say no to him. Of course gusto ko siyang makasama mag-dinner, but also, I needed to be firm when I told myself that I shouldn’t make myself always readily available for him. I have a life. I have friends. Hindi siya kasama sa priority list ko… well, at least for now.

“Ano’ng ano kami ngayon?” I asked innocently kahit na alam ko naman kung ano ang gustong itanong ni Jana. Wala lang. Minsan, gusto ko lang siyang inisin.

She rolled her eyes, as expected.

“Definitely not friends,” I said.

“Friends with benefits?”

I scoffed. “What benefits? “

“You just said na binigyan ka niya ng flowers!”

“So? Kaya ko rin bumili nun?”

She groaned. “Duh!”

Natawa ako. Sarap asarin nito kasi mabilis ma-frustrate, e.

“Hindi ko alam din kasi. Hindi kami friends; hindi rin naman kami together. Ewan ko. Naguusap kami, ganon. Pwede ba ’yon?”

“Pwede na,” she said. “But… nakakakilig na gumawa siya ng Instagram account for you! Kahit ang weird niyong dalawa bakit hindi na lang kayo sa number niyo magusap.”

I nodded. “I know, right? But then again, ayokong hingin iyong number niya.”

“Hindi ba niya hiningi?”

I shook my head. “But it’s fine. I’m just trying to match his energy, you know? I feel like before kasi, sobrang obvious na gusto ko siya. I mean, I still like him naman, but I’ll be more… chill now. Magrereply lang ako sa texts niya. I will not initiate conversation.”

Napailing si Jana at uminom. “Ang high school, but go, I support. Malakas ang feeling ko na kayo magkakatuluyan niyan. I can just feel it.”

Natawa ako. “I’m… still kinda talking to Paul, though.”

Halos mabulunan si Jana sa iniinom niya. Tawang-tawa ako habang inaabutan ko siya ng tissue.

“What? How? When? I have so many questions!” sabi niya na sunud-sunod kahit kaka-recover pa lang niya sa almost death niya from choking.

“Wala,” I replied and then nagkwento lang ako sa kanya kung paano napapayag ako ni Paul sa dinner and how it turned out to be okay naman. Hindi ko lang sinabi kay Jana before because I thought it would turn out to be a bust, but I enjoyed, surprisingly.

“Huh… Akalain mo nga naman.”

“I know,” I commented. “Speak of the devil,” I continued dahil nag-reply na sa akin bigla si Paul.

‘No, not at all. I wanted to, but that’s your professional life and I felt like it would’ve been overstepping boundaries. If he praised you, it’s all you. Well-deserved for sure.’

Ano ba ’yan. Mas na-feel bad tuloy ako.

“Bakit ganyan mukha mo? Ano’ng sinabi sa ’yo ni Paul?” she asked and I showed her iyong message ni Paul. “In fairness, ha. Akala ko airhead si Paul, may substance naman pala.”

I nodded. “I know… Nakaka-guilty tuloy.”

“Why?”

“Because… I know naman na si Pablo ang gusto ko yet kinakausap ko pa rin si Paul. I feel like I’m stringing him along—e nung feel ko nga ginawa sa akin ni Pablo, na-bwisit ako tapos as it turned out, gagawin ko rin pala ’yon kay Paul? I feel like a hypocrite.”

Hindi agad nagsalita si Jana. She finished her glass and then she looked at me and shrugged.

“Well… Based sa kwento mo, alam naman nila iyong presence ng isa’t-isa. Hindi ka rin naman committed sa kanila. So, I guess in this case, the best man wins?”

I groaned. “Obviously si Pablo mananalo.”

“Grabe, sure na agad?”

I shrugged. “I just know myself.”

“I thought sobrang inconsistent niya with you?”

“Consistent na siya now.”

“Gagang ’to, pinadalhan lang ng flowers, e. Bubuyog ka, girl?”

Umirap ako sa kanya. “Not that but like if you think about it, medyo weird naman kasi talaga iyong simula namin. But since sinabi niya na gusto niya ako, clear na lahat.”

“How about iyong issue niya kay Leo?”

Natigilan ako. Oo nga pala. Hindi ko rin gets kung bakit lagi niyang pinagpipilitan na rebound ko siya or placeholder siya. Sino ba kasi ang nanakit sa tao na ’yon at parang ang laki ng baggage niya sa ganon? Sobrang minahal niya ba iyong babae na hanggang ngayon ay issue at mukhang dealbreaker niya pa rin iyon?

I tried to talk to Pablo about his thing with being a rebound, but I didn’t know how to insert it in a conversation. Ayoko naman na magmukhang iniinterrogate ko siya. I wanted him to open up about it, but knowing what I know about it, mas maganda na tanungin ko siya directly. Mukhang hindi siya iyong tipo na biglang magkukwento in detail tungkol sa past relationships niya.

“This is weird.”

“How so?” Pablo asked.

We were in a formal restaurant. We were having a nice dinner. He asked me last night kung free ba ako ngayon. It’s a Friday night. I was free. I thought I’d give him my usual busy ako spiel but I thought na baka masanay siya na ganon ang sagot ko at hindi niya na ako tanungin ulit.

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Is it weird that we’re on a date?”

“So, this is a date?”

“I would suppose it is,” sagot niya sa akin. “You have been on dates before, right?” he asked in a playful tone.

I eyed him. “I have been—the most recent one, you were there being annoying, remember?”

He gave me a nod, which for some reason felt cocky. Iba talaga ’tong tao na ’to—iyon bang kahit simpleng galaw niya lang, parang kaya niyang bigyan ng something. It’s such a talent.

“Right… That was a date, apparently.”

“You were on a date, as well,” sabi ko habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya. I didn’t directly ask him kung sino ang kasama niya. I didn’t have the right to ask dahil hindi naman kami exclusive. Besides, what right did I have kung nasa date din naman ako nung gabing ’yon?“

“Jealous?” he asked.

I scoffed. “You wish.”

He nodded but he was half-grinning. I hated how hot he looked whenever he’s doing that!

“No, that was my sister.”

“Right.”

He gave a crisp laugh that made me cross my legs, goddamnit.

“She is,” he replied. “Took her out on a proper date, so she’d know how she should be treated by the guys she meet—just setting the standard,” he so casually and confidently said.

Oh, my god.

All the shit he put me through.

Wala na.

Ang hina ko.

Hindi ako nagsalita dahil ayoko na makita niya kung gaano ako ka-impressed sa sinabi niya… and how much I admired him more dahil sa kung paano niya tina-trato iyong kapatid niya. Ewan ko. Hindi kami ganyan ni Therese, but we used to be like that. Sometimes, I still think about pa rin sa kung gaano kami ka-close…

I hated that we ended up where we were, but I didn’t ask for this.

She started this, but I would finish this.

“So, is the standard to listen to other people’s conversation while you’re on a date?”

Natawa siya. “Right… No,” sabi niya na umiling. “I explained later, though. She asked questions.”

“About what?”

“You,” sagot niya habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko. Mabuti na lang at wala akong iniinom dahil pakiramdam ko ay mabubulunan ako dahil sa paraan ng pagtingin niya at pagsagot niya na para bang siguradong-sigurado siya sa sinabi niya.

“What about me?” I asked as calmly as I could. He shrugged. “Siniraan mo siguro ako sa kapatid mo, noh?”

Natawa siya. “No, why would I? You’ll meet her soon anyway, so might as well let you two figure things out.”

Again, mabuti na lang na wala akong hawak na kung anuman o iniinom. I hated how good he was with this. Dati kasi nasasabi ko pa sa sarili ko na kumalma dahil ginagawa lang niya ’yon dahil nagpapanggap kami… pero ngayon? Damn.

“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe not.”

“Really,” sagot niya habang diretsong nakatingin sa mga mata ko.

I nodded. “I mean, I’m also seeing Paul.”

“The English counterpart.”

Umirap ako. “So arrogant.”

“Just not threatened, love,” sabi niya.

“I’m not your love, “ sagot ko kahit sa totoo lang ay napa-krus na naman ang mga binti ko sa lecheng love na ’yan.

“What do you want me to call you?”

“Cerise. My name.”

“Alright, Cerise.”

Fuck.

You know it’s so bad kapag kahit pangalan mo na normal mong naririnig ay nagiiba kapag siya ang nagsasabi.

“But seriously, I don’t like that you’re seeing him, but also, it’s not like I can tell you what you can and can’t do. And I also don’t want to—you’re your own person. You decide on your own.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya.

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“As I said, I don’t like it, but it is what it is.”

“If you say so.”

“May the best man win.”

“Sure.”

“And you know that I’m the best.”

I rolled my eyes. “So arrogant.”

“Confident, love—I mean, Cerise.”

I bit my the inside of my mouth to stop myself from smiling because damn it, arrogance looks so good on him, damn him.

“What’s your dream date?” he asked.

“Why?”

He shrugged. “Curious.”

“Will you give me my dream date?”

“Who knows?” sagot niya.

So, we spent the night talking about my dream date. He let me talk but also asked me questions. It was a great night, actually. Hinatid niya ako sa may condo ko.

“Thanks,” I said as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Pleasure is all mine,” he replied, as gentleman as ever.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “Will you kiss me goodnight?” tanong ko—probably because at this point, I had five glass of wine. Pablo just let me drink. He only had water.

“No.”

I pouted. “Why not?”

He gave out a crisp laugh. “Good night, Cerise,” he said instead and gave me that look that I made it so hard for me to get out of the car and walk back to my unit.

Damn… he really just knows how to get to me—fucking sorcery. 

**

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Chapter 22

Chapter 22

‘Would it be weird if I’ll ask for your secretary’s contact?’

‘Yes. Why?’

‘Just wanna check when you’re free.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, your dream date requires air travel. I need to find at least three free days. And you’re a busy person.’

I bit my lower lip as I tried to control my breathing. Hinga ka lang nang mabuti, Cerise. Just enjoy the effort that Pablo’s exerting. Who knows kung gaano katagal iyong ganito, right? Besides, isn’t this the fun part in dating? Iyong simula? And then you get comfortable with each other.

‘You don’t have to do that lol’

‘I don’t have to but kinda want to.’

‘Just kinda?’

‘I really want to.’

‘But seriously can’t. The release of the anniv issue is near. Will attend a party and everything.’

‘Is this your way of asking me to be your date? Because the answer is yes.’

Once again, I bit my lower lip. The way this guy converses must be studied! He’s so smooth and for what! Nakakaloka siya talaga! Alam mo iyong tipo na kailangan ko mag-step back minsan and i-remind ang sarili ko na hindi ko siya jowa and as much as naglalandian kami, hanggang walang commitment between us, I refuse to let myself get totally invested in this.

Just enjoy the ride.

‘Are you inviting yourself to the party?’

‘No. I’m your plus one.’

‘Who decided?’

‘You.’

God, the confidence is so sexy.

‘Yeah sure I guess.’

‘Tell me if you’ve decided on what you’ll wear.’

‘You’ll match again?’

‘Only if you want me to.’

Oh, fuck.

So hot and for what.

Hindi na ako nag-reply dahil may feeling ako na papunta na sa kung saan iyong usapan namin and I was in my office and it was the middle of the work day! Only Pablo could make me feel so hot talking about matching our outfits! Nakakaloka siya talaga!

The whole day was busy but I had to leave ng hapon dahil pupunta pa ako ng Bataan to meet up with Papa. Nag-dinner kami. We didn’t talk about family. Nagusap lang kami about random things—mga kalokohan niya nung kabataan niya.

“Kayo pa rin ba nung Pablo?” he asked while I was driving back para ihatid siya.

“Hmm,” I replied. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I lied to him—I didn’t care that I lied to everyone else. Besides, with how things were going, mukhang magiging totoo rin naman iyong sa amin ni Pablo. So, technically, my lie will be fix itself.

“Mukhang aalagaan ka.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Oo naman, pero masaya pa rin kapag may nagaalaga, ’di ba?”

I had half a mind to ask him kung paano niya nasabi ’yon kasi parang based on observation, hindi naman siya inaalagaan ni Mama. Parang si Papa pa nga ang nagaalaga kay Mama, e.

Gusto ko ring tanungin sana kung may galit ba sa akin si Mama? Kasi ibang-iba iyong trato niya sa aming dalawa ni Therese… But today had been such a good day. I didn’t want to ruin it by mentioning those two. Mas naging tahimik talaga ang buhay ko when I cut them off.

“Basta, ako okay ako, Papa,” sabi ko na lang sa kanya.

“Mabuti naman.”

“Saan next mo gustong pumunta?”

“Kapag may nakita ulit ako sa Facebook e sasabihin ko sa ’yo,” he replied that made me smile. Usapan kasi namin ay every two weeks ay uuwi ako rito sa Bataan para sunduin siya tapos pupunta kami sa kung saan man ang restaurant na gusto niyang kainan. I really liked this routine.

Hinatid ko si Papa about three streets away from our house. Ayoko na malapit sa bahay pero ayoko rin naman na masyadong malayo na mahihirapan siyang maglakad pauwi. Knowing Papa, ’di ’yan gagastos para magbayad ng tricycle. Napakakuripot pero nung kasal ni Therese e kita mong ginastusan. Naha-highblood na naman ako sa kapatid kong ’yon.

“Ingat ka, Pa. Message mo ko kapag nasa bahay ka na.”

“Magiingat ka sa pag-drive.”

Nag-stay muna ako doon habang hinihintay na mag-message si Papa na nakauwi na siya. I was just resting my head against the seat of my car nang mapansin ko na naglalakad si Leo. He’s heading sa direction ng bahay namin. So, doon pa rin naka-stay si Therese? Gosh. Kakakasal pa lang nila tapos ganito na? These two… Nakakaloka.

I thought I would be approaching Leo to talk to him, but as I was watching him? Wala. I had no urge to go out to talk to him. Wala.

I was just… done.

With him.

With them.

With everything related to this place—well, of course except for Papa.

So, I just stayed there and watched as his figure disappeared from a distance. Tapos nung nag-message si Papa na nasa bahay na siya, I just silently drove back to Manila.

Just like that, I realized that that chapter of my life was really finished… Now, if sa tingin ng mga tao sa paligid ko ay hindi pa, then really, it’s not my issue anymore.

Basta ako, tapos na sa kanila.

Basta ako, masaya na sa buhay ko.

---

Pagbalik ko sa Manila, sakto na nagmessage si Pablo asking kung free ba ako. I told him na kakabalik ko lang galing Manila. He asked if nag-dinner na ba ako. I said yes but that gutom pa ako since medyo napagod ako sa drive.

So, we’re in his office.

Yes, in his office because as much as he wanted to take me out for a dinner, he said that he has a business to run. And that just sounded so sexy in my ears. Like, a responsible guy? Sign me the fuck up.

“Have you decided on what to wear?” he asked.

“Down to two options.”

He gently nodded his head. “Backless?” he asked.

I arched my brow. “Why? You want me to wear a backless dress?” tanong ko sa kanya. We were eating Chinese food and I was holding the chopsticks close to my mouth as stared at him.

Everything about him, about us was just hot for me.

God, this was so bad.

He shrugged. “Up to you.”

“But if it were up to you?”

He shrugged again. “I mean, yeah. That way, I can touch you as I put my hand on the small of your back.”

I felt my cheek heating up. Nakatingin siya sa akin. I saw him grinning. He knew the effect he had on me and he’s just making the most out of it. This asshole.

“I mean, that’s just me,” he casually said.

“Yeah, no backless. If any, the dress I’ll be wearing will have a full back,” sabi ko kahit parang wala ng sense iyong sinasabi ko.

He was looking at me like he was fascinated. “Sure,” he replied. “You’ll look fantastic either way.”

Oh, god.

This man must really be studied.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita after that and just focused on eating my food. But he was watching me like as though everything I do was fascinating. Hindi ako makakain nang maayos dahil ramdam na ramdam ko iyong pagsunod ng mga mata niya sa bawat galaw ko.

“Stop,” I said.

“Stop what?”

“Stop staring.”

“I wasn’t staring.”

“You were.”

“I was— am— admiring.”

Fuck.

Fuck him.

“Shut up.”

He grinned. “Are you blushing?”

“No,” I replied. “I think your AC is not working.”

Natawa lang siya sa akin. Bwisit na ’to. Alam naman na effective sa akin iyong mga ganyan na paandar niya tapos kailangan pa akong tanungin as if hindi pa niya alam. Kairita talaga. Gusto ata akong patayin sa kahihiyan.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I’ll have it fixed, then.”

Then there was an awkward silence again—or baka awkward lang sa part ko dahil mukhang normal lang naman siya na kumakain. He looked like he was enjoying my discomfort very much, though. This asshole.

“Don’t worry,” sabi niya.

“Worry about what?”

“You look like you want to just sprint away,” he replied. “I won’t touch you.”

“Why not?” mabilis na sagot ko. Fuck. Ni hindi ko man lang naisip na mag-filter! As in bigla lang siyang lumabas sa bibig ko. Kitang-kita ko iyong pagpipigil niya na matawa sa akin. Bwisit na ’yan! Kahit ano talaga ang gawin ko, hindi ko kayang pagtakpan iyong katotohanan na gusto ko talaga siya—and iyong katawan niya.

“I mean…” I said, trying to take back whatever dignity na pwede ko pang kunin. “Just asking since we’re adults and all.”

Fuck.

That was so lame.

Nakatingin lang si Pablo sa akin. At this point ay gusto ko na lang saksakin ng chopsticks iyong mga mata niya para hindi na siya tumingin nang ganyan.

So hot and for fucking what?

“I mean, we can, but I’d rather wait.”

“For what?”

“When we’re—what do people call it these days?” he asked. “I think they say ‘with label.’”

Napatingin ako sa kanya. I mean, I knew naman na doon kami papunta but it was just so weird to hear it from him. And ewan… siguro at the back of my mind, this was still kind of weird for me—everything about this was weird, yet weirdly enough as well, it felt nice.

“Is that weird?” he asked, looking at me like he genuinely wanted to know my thoughts.

“No, not at all.”

“Okay, great.”

“So, are you courting me?”

“Do you want me to?” he asked.

“Bakit ako ang tinatanong mo?”

He shrugged. “I just don’t believe in the idea of courting. When you court someone, you put your best foot forward. I’d rather we just date. I won’t pretend to be this ‘best’ person. I’ll just be myself around you and hope that you like me for me,” seryosong paliwanag niya habang nakatingin sa akin. “Does that even make sense?”

“You know what, weirdly enough, it does.”

“Really?”

Tumango ako. “Yeah… You make sense, Pablo Narvaez,” sabi ko kaya natawa siya sa akin.

“I think I always make sense—it’s just your pride that hinders you from recognizing my wisdom.”

Umirap ako sa kanya. “Oh, there’s the familiar arrogance.”

“You enjoy my arrogance.”

“Will neither affirm nor deny.”

“Yet somehow, you just affirmed it.”

I wrinkled my nose.

Bakit kahit ganito na banter lang, wala naman kaming ginagawa talaga and nasa office niya lang kami at kumakain, sobrang nag-eenjoy na ako?

“Nothing,” I said nang tumingin siya sa akin na nakakunot ang noo. I wanted to ask him things—most especially kung bakit malaki ang issue niya sa pagiging rebound. This was such a good night and I wanted to leave it at that. Maybe some other time.

“You’re leaving?” he asked when I stood up.

I nodded. “You said it yourself—you have a business to run.”

“I have employees,” sabi niya.

“Be a responsible employer,” I replied as I grabbed my bag.

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin na parang batang inagawan ng candy. Parang tanga. Medyo naninibago ako na ganito siya. I was used to seeing him as someone… cool? Or more in control with their emotion?

Apparently not.

He’s slowly taking off the veil and showing more of his other side.

“I’ll see you soon,” I said.

“When is this soon?”

“I don’t know. Baka bukas.”

“Can we be more specific?”

Natawa ako. “Miss mo na ako?”

“Yeah,” diretsong sagot niya.

I bit the insides of my mouth to stop myself from smiling. “Shut up. I’ll see you maybe tomorrow? Breakfast?” sabi ko at saka mabilis na umalis dahil baka hindi talaga ako makapagpigil at hindi ko mahintay ’yang label requirement na bigla siyang nagkaron. 

**

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Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Why was this even so hard to do? It wasn’t as if tatanggalan ko siya ng mana. I would literally just tell him that there wouldn’t be any second date anymore. That although I did enjoy the first date, it was mostly because of the surprise na decent human being naman pala siya. And if I were being honest, it must also be because Pablo was somewhat a part of our date. I did wonder na kung kaming dalawa lang ba talaga ni Paul, would I still call the date a success? I didn’t think so.

“Have you decided on what you’ll wear?” Pablo asked when I answered his call. We didn’t get that breakfast that we talked about because I got so busy with work. I told him that and he said that it’s fine—work is work. I knew it’s bare minimum, I really did I appreciate that. I love my job. I’m proud of my job. Siguro kung sinuman ang makakatuluyan ko, if hindi niya ako maiintindihan whenever I’d have to cancel some dates dahil sa trabaho ko, somewhere along the road, it wouldn’t work out. Maybe because ganon din ang gagawin ko for him or her? That I’d be supportive of his job so that’s why I’m expecting that I’ll get?

I’d never demand something that I couldn’t offer—after all, a relationship is partnership more than anything… well, at least for me.

“Yes,” sabi ko.

“What’s the back situation?”

Napairap ako kahit wala naman siya sa harapan ko. “You’ll see.”

“Okay,” he replied but even then, I could already imagine the little smirk on his face. “Are you free later?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Natigilan ako. Should I tell him that I’d meet up with Paul to tell him na walang second date? Had this been before, I wouldn’t even bother, but Paul was a nice person. I thought he deserved an in-person rejection. And it wasn’t really a rejection—more like a re-direction because obviously, hindi ako iyong tamang tao para sa kanya.

Yeah, I should tell him.

Knowing Pablo? It’s better na alam niya na iyon ang dahilan. Ayoko lang ng re-run nung dati kay Leo. Pinakaayoko talaga na cause ng away ay miscommunication. It could’ve been easily avoided if magusap lang.

“I’ll be meeting with Paul.”

“Oh.”

“Do you wanna know why?”

“Not really,” sabi niya.

“Really?”

“What you do with him is none of my business,” sabi niya sa kalmadong tono pero ramdam ko nagiba na iyong mood niya kumpara sa paguusap namin kanina.

“Oh, okay,” sagot ko sa kanya. “Just don’t want any surprises.”

“Why will I be surprised? I know that you’re seeing both of us.”

“Not really.”

“Not really?”

“Haven’t really seen him since the date you ruined,” sabi ko.

“Again, the date wasn’t ruined. Not my fault he bores you.”

“He doesn’t bore me.”

“Sure. Tell yourself that.”

Napairap ako. It’s so unfair that arrogance suits him so well.

“But why haven’t you seen him since that last time?”

“I don’t know.”

“You weren’t too busy to see me.”

“I know.”

There was silence for a few seconds.

No words were spoken, yet weirdly enough, I felt like he already heard the words that I wanted to say.

“Good luck on your dinner,” he said. “Do it in a public place.”

Napairap ako. Kahit kailan talaga napaka-arogante.

“Whatever.”

“I can pick you up after or wait outside while you’re dumping him.”

“You’re mean.”

He shrugged. “It is what it is,” he replied. “You can’t be for everyone.’

“So, para kanino ako?”

He gave out a crisp laugh. “Oh, Cerise.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” he replied. “Do text me when you’re done with that.”

“Alright.”

“Just wanna know you’re fine.”

“I’m gonna be fine.”

“You don’t know,” he replied. “Some guys don’t handle rejection very well.”

“Really.”

“Really.”

“How do you handle rejection?”

“I remove myself from the situation.”

“Oh, that’s why you ghosted me.”

Kahit wala siya sa harap ko ay ramdam na ramdam ko talaga ang pagirap niya. “Again, I didn’t ghost you,” sabi niya sa akin. “I was giving you time but I never really left.”

“Huh…” sagot ko. “Recollections may vary then.”

“Sure.”

Natawa ako. “Am I pissing you off?”

“A bit,” sabi niya. “But I know what I was getting myself into.”

Fuck.

Bakit kahit sinabi niya na naiirita na siya sa akin, nakahanap pa rin ako ng paraan para kiligin doon?

“Just tell me when you’re done talking with him?” sabi niya sa akin.

“Okay.”

“I can pick you up.”

“I plan to bring my car,” sabi ko.

“It’s fine. We can drive in separate cars then grab some dinner.”

“Gusto mo talaga akong makita mamaya?”

“Obviously,” diretsong sagot niya.

I bit the inside of my cheeks. “Fine. I’ll just book a ride there.”

“Or I can just drive you there?”

“No,” sabi ko. Parang ang asshole naman if si Pablo ang maghahatid sa akin para puntahan si Paul na irereject ko.

“Alright,” he replied, not pushing it any further. “I’ll just pick you up in… an hour?”

“I’ll text you.”

“Got it.”

---

Pagdating ko sa bar kung saan kami magkikita ni Paul, umorder lang ako ng isang cocktail. And then I kept it short and simple. I figured that there’s no easy way to tell this. I used to think before na mahirap mag-confess, but I realized later on na mahirap din mag-reject. It’s just awkward. So awkward. Kung hindi lang talaga bastos for me na i-text na lang ’to, I’d rather tell this via message. Kaya rin siguro maraming lalaki na nangghost na lang… Ang awkward kasi magsabi ng ‘I don’t think this will work. Good bye.’ Pero mas mahirap din naman magisip kung matagal lang ba maligo iyong kausap mo o talagang iniwan ka na.

Ang hirap all over.

“Just one question,” sabi niya nang magpaalam ako na aalis na ako. Nagmessage na rin si Pablo na nasa labas na siya.

“What?” tanong ko kay Paul.

“You sound sure with him. Is he certain with you?” Napakunot ang noo ko. “Just heard that that one doesn’t really do commitments,” sabi ni Paul.

Gusto kong tanungin kung saan niya narinig ’yan. Also, just disappointing to hear it from him. Pero ayoko na rin na makipagtalo about this. Kung hindi man ako bibigyan ni Pablo ng commitment, that’s my problem and not really his. I was just really done with people trying to insert their unsolicited opinion in my life.

“Thanks for the concern, but I think I’ll be fine,” sabi ko sa kanya bago ako tumayo at naglakad palabas ng bar.

‘To your left,’ biglang message ni Pablo sa akin.

Nang makita ko iyong sasakyan niya ay naglakad ako papunta roon. I got in the passenger seat and saw that he was watching my every move.

“What?” I asked habang sinusuot ko iyong seatbelt.

Umiling siya. “Nothing,” he said. “Can we have dinner now?”

I shrugged. “Sure. What are you in the mood for?”

“You,” he replied.

I shrugged again. “I’m good with anything,” sabi ko. I wasn’t craving for anything in particular. Besides, tinatamad akong magisip kung saan kami kakain.

“What?” I asked him when I saw the amused expression on his face.

“Nothing,” sabi niya na naman habang umiiling siya.

“Come on. What is it?”

“Nothing,” he replied. “What about steak?”

“Okay,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Know any good steak place?”

---

We went to this resto and ordered what’s probably the best steak I had in my life—and that’s saying something because I had some nice steak before!

Pablo and his taste, really.

“What?” he asked nang makita niya akong nakatingin sa kanya. He was signing the receipt. Nang dumating iyong bill, he didn’t even look at the amount and just placed his card doon sa lalagyan. That was so sexy for no reason at all.

“Nothing,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Are we really firm on the no touching until we have a label?”

Nakita ko na napatingin sa akin iyong waitress. Fuck. I forgot may tao nga pala sa paligid namin! I just get easily lost in his presence whenever he’s around. He’s just so intoxicating. And he also has this way to make you feel like you’re the only one who matters. A talent, really.

“Why?”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“Say what?”

“Don’t be an asshole.”

Natawa siya. “I’m being a gentleman, if any.”

“Be a rude jerk,” he replied. “I mean, even if just for tonight.”

Hindi siya sumagot. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin—like he was weighing his next step. If he’d fuck me senseless tonight or if he’d continue this ‘respectful although I would argue it’s ridiculous’ rule.’

“Let’s go,” he said habang inaabot niya sa waitress iyong receipt.

“What?” I asked. I couldn’t read kung ano ang nasa isip niya. Did he think that I was being too aggressive? Did he agree with my idea? Ano ba ang nasa isip niya?

Instead of answering, he just stood up. Instinctively, I followed his lead at saka tumayo na rin ako. He slowed down para sabay kaming maglakad.

“Are you… offended?” I asked habang naglalakad kami.

“No,” he replied.

“Okay.”

I hated his short replies although minsan lang naman niya ginagawa iyon. For some reason, it makes me overthink kahit ayoko talaga na nagooverthink.

“Thank you,” I said when he opened the door for me. Pablo’s a gentleman pero hindi iyong tipo na lagi niya akong pinagbubuksan ng pinto ng sasakyan. Minsan lang. Kapag marami akong dala. I really appreciated that. I didn’t want to be treated like a princess. I kinda like doing things on my own, although sometimes, of course I wanted to be treated like a princess.

Hindi ako nagsalita nang magsimula siyang mag-drive. I already asked him if offended siya. He already said no. That’s the end of that topic. I didn’t want to ask again kasi kahit ako kapag tinanong, if I answered, that’s it already.

“Your place or mine?” he asked.

Agad akong napatingin sa kanya. “What?”

“My place is nearer, but I don’t mind driving to your place.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Does this mean… we’re having sex tonight?” I asked.

“Do you have to be anywhere tomorrow?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Well, I have work.”

“I know,” he replied. “But do you need to go to another location aside from your office?”

Umiling ako. “No, not really. I will just be approving some proposals.”

He nodded. His hands were firmly on the steering wheel. Medyo hindi ko naintindihan kung bakit kailangan niyang itanong sa akin iyon. Hindi ba ako papasok bukas? Pero kailangan kong pumasok. And gusto kong pumasok. I enjoy my job—that’s probably one of the few things I like about my life. I knew a lot of people don’t enjoy their jobs, but I actually happen to like mine.

“Good,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because I plan to fuck you tonight,” he said while his eyes were on the road. Agad na napaawang ang labi ko. Holy fuck that was hot? The way he said it? Like he’s certain?

And when we reached the red light, he stopped his car and then threw me a glance.

“You may or may not have discomfort with walking the next day,” sabi niya. Fucking hell—the way he said those words. “Not really sure. It’s up to you if you can still walk after everything I plan on doing.”

I crossed my legs.

Malayo pa ba kami sa condo niya?!

“What… do you plan to do with me?”

Instead of answering, he just reached for my face and tucked a portion of my hair behind my ear.

“I think the better question is what do I not plan to do with you,” he said while he was staring intently into my eyes. I was barely breathing. Fuck. He’s so hot and for fucking what.

“Just… drive faster. Please,” I almost pleaded and he just made me hotter when I heard that crisp laugh of his. 

**

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Chapter 24

Chapter 24

“Careful,” Pablo said nang muntik na akong matumba. He really wasn’t kidding when he said that it may be hard for me to walk after everything he wanted to do with me! Akala ko magiging okay ako, but after I tried to stand up para pumunta sa CR, I felt my knees buckle.

Okay, that was fucking new.

No man has ever made my knees buckle.

“I think I need to lie down for a while,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“I think that’s a good idea,” he replied.

“But I need to pee,” sabi ko. “UTI.”

“Right,” sabi niya tapos ay biglang nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang buhatin niya ako. He scooped me like I weighed nothing. Agad akong napakapit sa mga balikat niya. I’d seen his face up close but I would never be tired of it. He’s just so… pretty. He’s so pretty but also manly at the same time. This guy confuses the shit out of my system. He’s like everything I never knew I wanted.

“Thank you,” sabi ko nang ibaba niya ako sa may toilet bowl.

He gave me a small nod. “I don’t think you want me to watch you pee, so just call me when you’re done.”

I blushed. When did we become so comfortable that we’re actually talking about shit like this?

“Okay,” sabi ko. “Also… can I borrow a shirt?”

“Why?”

“Well, I don’t want to walk around naked.”

“I don’t mind.”

I rolled my eyes. “I mind.”

Natawa siya. “Alright. I’ll grab you a shirt.”

“Thank you,” I replied. “Now, leave. I need to pee in peace.”

Nailing siya na natawa. Nang tumalikod siya ay agad na naginit iyong mga pisngi ko nag makita ko na namumula iyong pwet niya. I just couldn’t help myself! I slapped his ass like thrice, I think? In my defense, it was begging to be slapped!

Nang makalabas si Pablo ay nag-concentrate ako sa pagihi. I remember when I tried the hookup culture before, wala akong friend na nagsabi sa akin na kailangan kong mag-cr after having sex! I ended up with a really bad case of UTI that I got afraid of having sex again. Tsk. Kung lalandi ka talaga, maganda na may kaibigan ka na magsasabi ng dos and don’ts sa ’yo para iwas disgrasya.

After a few minutes, I successfully managed to pee. I washed my hands and then saw my reflection sa salamin.

I looked like… I was thoroughly fucked.

And thoroughly fucked I was.

We had sex before, but this one felt different—siguro kasi mas kilala na namin iyong isa’t-isa? I wasn’t shy about telling him what I wanted and what I didn’t like in bed? Nung una kasi naming ginawa, I was just going with whatever he wanted to do with me. I mean, the first time with him was good, but this time? It’s great! Great enough na nag-buckle talaga iyong knees ko after those consecutive orgasms.

“I’m done!” sigaw ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa reflection ko sa salamin. After a few seconds ay narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto. Pablo was now wearing boxers—pity.

“What?” he asked innocently nung tignan ko siya nang masama.

“What are we? In high school?” I asked back dahil may mga hickey near my nipples.

“No,” he replied. “If we were in high school, I would’ve come the moment I got inside you—being a teenage boy with no control whatsoever.”

I felt my cheeks heating up again because he was so right—he’s so good at controlling himself. He made me feel so fucking good first and made me cum a lot of times before himself. So generous, this one.

“Are you mad?” he asked.

“No,” sabi ko tapos ay tinignan ulit iyong dibdib ko sa salamin. “I mean, wala namang makakakita.”

“Except me,” he replied.

“Of course, except you.”

“Your shirt,” he said and then handed me a white shirt. I wore it. I loved how it was oversized nung sinuot ko. Ewan. With Pablo, I didn’t mind being smaller.

“Can you now walk or do you still need me to carry you?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I think I can walk, but I don’t mind being scooped into your arms like a princess,” sabi ko tapos ay natawa siya pero binuhat pa rin ako. I held onto his shoulders. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair again—to grip on them as he was fucking me like I did earlier.

God, I was horny again.

“Thank you,” sabi ko nang ibaba niya ako sa kama. I saw that the condom wrapper on the ground was nowhere to be found. Before we had sex, he asked me if I wanted to use condoms. I wanted to say no because I wanted to feel him but the rational and logical part of me shouted yes. He said he was fine either way. I told him that for our peace of mind, if it was okay for both of us to get tested first. I was already on birth control anyways. I just wanted to be sure. Para sa aming dalawa rin naman ’yon. Akala ko nga ay maooffend siya, but he just asked if he’ll schedule it o kung ako.

I love communicating with him.

Sana ganito lagi.

“Do you need anything?” he asked while he was seated on the edge of the bed.

Instead of answering, I just tapped the empty space beside me. Naupo siya roon. I leaned my head against his shoulder. This was so peaceful. I wanted to pause at this very moment and to just savor it for a while.

“I have a question.”

“Sure.”

“I don’t want to ruin the moment, though.”

“You can’t possibly ruin this,” he replied and then I felt his arm draping on my shoulders and pulling me close. “What’s the question?”

Hindi agad ako nagsalita. I let myself feel the moment. Baka kasi magbago iyong mood niya. I wanted to savor this for a little longer. I could not ask this question, but I didn’t know… This moment felt like we could be vulnerable with ourselves. Also, I felt like he already knew everything about me—mostly the bad parts, but maybe that’s for the better. Na despite knowing all the baggage I carry with me, he still wanted to be with me. And isn’t that the goal? To find someone who wants to be there for better or for worse? Hindi iyong nandyan lang when things are good?

“Okay. I’m ready,” I said.

“Ready for what?”

“To ask the hard questions.”

Natawa siya. “Should I be worried?”

“Not at all. You can be honest.”

“When was I not honest with you?”

“Good point,” I said.

“So, what’s the question?”

Huminga ako nang malalim. Should I savor the feel of his skin against mine? Hindi naman siguro siya maooffend if magtatanong ako ng something personal. I mean, this is the guy who wanted label first before touching me. Surely, he expected that one day, I’d have to know things.

“Why do you keep on telling me that you don’t want to be a rebound or a placeholder?” I asked him. Diniretso ko na dahil hindi ko kayang magpaliguy-ligoy pa.

“Because it sucks.”

“I know, but do you have a personal experience?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Care to elaborate? Come on, this is not an interview where I have to prod you to share things,” sabi ko sa kanya at natawa siya. Good. At least hindi naman pala siya like totally serious! Ayoko rin naman na magheart to heart kami na as in seryoso. I wanted to just… talk, you know?

“Fine,” he said. “I dated someone before.”

“Name?”

“I thought that this is not an interview?”

“Well, I want a name.”

“For what reason? I can still tell you the reason why without disclosing the name.”

“Because I need to stalk this girl later.”

Natawa siya. “For what?”

“Wala lang. Just need to see her for myself.”

“Right.”

“So? Name?”

“Rory.”

“Last name?”

Natawa siya. “Aurora Marie Floresca.”

Ano ba ’yan. Ang ganda ng pangalan.

“I’ll tell you her middle name, as well, but I have no idea what it is,” he said in a way like it’s supposed to make me feel good na hindi niya alam iyong middle name nung Rory.

“No, I don’t need to know her middle name.”

“What is your middle name?” he asked. I felt him looking at my side profile. Hindi ako tumingin sa kanya dahil makikita niya iyong simangot sa mukha ko. I was the one who wanted to talk about this yet ako iyong nabbwisit. I really am my worst enemy.

“Illescas,” I replied.

“So, Ana Cerise Illecas Villa del Rey,” sabi niya. “Bit of a mouthful.”

“Wala namang nagsasabi na sabihin mo buong pangalan ko.”

Natawa siya. I looked at him to glare. “You look pissed.”

“I am not.”

“Well, your eyebrows beg to differ.” Napahawak ako sa mga kilay ko. Natawa siyang muli. “Any questions about Rory?” he asked.

Umirap ako. “Is she the one who made you a rebound?”

“Not technically,” he replied. “We dated for a while then I realized she’s really in love with her friend.”

“How could you tell?”

“She wouldn’t shut up about him.”

“Oh…” I said with my lips parted.

“We didn’t really talk much,” he said. “I wanted to talk but all she’s talking about was this guy. Had to always kiss her to shut her up.”

Muling napaawang ang labi ko. “That sounded harsh.”

“I know,” sabi niya. “Not claiming to be the greatest. Definitely had my fuck ups before. I think I’m better now, though,” dugtong niya tapos tumingin sa akin na para bang humihingi siya ng confirmation.

I rolled my eyes. “I won’t inflate your ego.”

Natawa siya. “You don’t need to.”

“So arrogant.”

“Not at all—I just like myself.”

I groaned. “Ang yabang.”

“You like that about me.”

“No comment.” Natawa siya. “So… did you dump her or did she dump you?”

“Is it important who dumped who?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Not really?”

“Because at the end of the day, we both liked each other—it’s just that things didn’t work out. There’s no winner or loser, if you ask me.”

Ano ba ’yan.

Ang petty ko tuloy pakinggan dahil sa sinabi niya.

Tumahimik lang ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. I didn’t want to sound like a petty and jealous bitch in front of him. Curious lang naman ako kung bakit may issue siya sa pagiging rebound. Nalaman ko na ngayon. Hindi na ako magtatanong pa.

“If you ask me how she is now, I have no idea,” sabi niya. “I hope she’s happy, though. She’s a nice person.”

Nakatingin pa rin ako sa harapan ko. I felt Pablo staring at my sideprofile. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nagawang nakaupo na ako sa mga binti niya. I was, again, staring at his pretty face.

“I hope I was able to satisfy your curiosity,” he said.

“Among other things,” I replied as I adjusted my seat because I felt him stirring into life again.

Humalakhak siya. “Alright,” he said. “Back to business, I guess,” he continued as he flipped us over and he was hovering me yet again.  

**

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Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Things with Pablo had been great that it was actually scary.

“Stop overthinking,” Jana said.

“I am not.”

“You are,” she replied. “Things are good. Accept it. ’Wag mong i-manifest na may dumating na asungot at baka biglang magparamdam iyong kapatid mo.”

I rolled my eyes. “Bakit naman siya magpaparamdam? Naka-block na kaya siya sa akin.”

She shrugged. “Who knows? Alam mo naman may pagka-maligno ’yang kapatid mo. Biruin mo naagaw nga si Leo noon na wala kang kamalay-malay. ’Di mo alam naglalandian na pala iyong dalawa.”

Napailing na lang ako sa kanya. Looking back, things really did happen for a reason. Akala ko talaga katapusan na ng mundo ko nung malaman ko iyong tungkol sa kanila. That shit hurt so badly na napaalis ako sa probinsya namin. I tried to date again but things just never felt quite right.

Until Pablo.

Iyon bang sobrang tama sa pakiramdam na mapapasabi ka na lang na ‘Ah… Kaya pala nangyari iyong dati kasi may ganito na dadating.’ Pero nakakairita rin isipin kapag ganyan kasi parang naa-absolve iyong kapatid ko sa ginawa niya sa akin. But then again, I didn’t want to carry that shit with me anymore. Masaya na ako—sana sila rin, to be honest. Para hindi na rin ako bwisitin ni Therese. Siguro naman kapag masaya na siya hindi niya na ako guguluhin.

“So, ano nga? May label na ba kayo?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t really discuss it.”

“Ate girl, sa condo ka niya natutulog lagi, wala pa rin kayong label?!”

I shrugged. “It’s just weird to discuss!”

“Ano’ng weird don?” she asked, sounding exasperated. “Tanungin mo siya if boyfriend mo na ba siya. Kasi mas awkward if ipapakilala mo siya sa ibang tao. Ano ang sasabihin mo? This is Pablo, my special friend. ’Di ba mas mukhang tanga kayong dalawa e ang tatanda niyo na?”

Inirapan ko lang si Jana kaya mas lalo siyang nabwisit sa akin. Nagsimula siyang magsermon ay ininom ko lang iyong kape ko. Parang machine gun minsan iyong bibig niya sa dami ng gusto niyang sabihin. Ako naman ay natuto na kung paano siya i-tune out kapag ganito na non-stop iyong lumalabas sa bibig niya.

“Nakikinig ka ba?”

“Yes, yes,” sabi ko. “And yes, I will have the conversation.”

“Good. And text me right after.”

“I know. You’re weirdly invested in this.”

“Bored kasi ako.”

“Awayin mo boyfriend mo kung bored ka.”

After namin magkape ni Jana, umuwi muna ako sa condo ko for a change. Doon kasi ako natutulog sa condo ni Pablo. Bumabalik pa rin ako dito kasi nandito iyong mga damit ko. Bale doon lang ako natutulog tapos ihahatid niya ako sa umaga and dito pa rin ako naliligo and nagaayos. I’ll drive myself to the office and then go home. He’ll pick me up at around 8PM (usually tapos na siyang magluto niyan kaya pagdating ko sa condo niya, kakain na lang kami). We’ll watch Netflix, fool around, I’ll fall asleep at around 12 midnight. He said he leaves me sa condo niya to go check on his bar. Basta pagkagising ko, katabi ko na siya.

Our setup was working so far.

It was actually pretty great if I were being honest.

‘What time will I pick you up?’

Was it weird na sa IG pa rin kami naguusap? Wala lang. Kinikilig kasi ako sa fact na gumawa siya ng IG account para sa akin. Mas feel ko na roon kami magusap kahit alam ko na iyong number niya.

‘I think I’ll be done in 20 mins.’

‘Got it. On my way.’

Mamaya na iyong party para sa anniversary issue nung magazine. Pablo was adorably excited to see what I was wearing. Alam niya lang iyong kulay pero hindi niya pa nakikita iyong suot ko. I hired my usual team kapag may events. Sa line of work ko kasi, appearance is money. Syempre sino ba ang magtitiwala sa akin sa mundo ng fashion kung hindi maayos iyong itsura ko? I needed to always look my best. Kahit nga nagja-jogging lang ako e maayos pa rin iyong itsura ko.

When I heard a knock on the door, I asked someone para buksan iyon. Nakita ko sa reflection sa salamin iyong pagpasok ni Pablo. Fuck. Why did I forget how good this guy looks when he’s all fixed up?

“I’m not yet done,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“It’s fine. I’ll just watch you,” sagot niya.

“Boyfriend mo?” bulong sa akin ng makeup artist ko.

“I think.”

“I think? So ’di pa sure?”

I glared at her through the reflection and she just laughed and sinabihan ako na joke lang naman . Joke siya d’yan… buti sana kung wala pa akong experience sa naagawan, e. Aba, mahirap na. Ayoko namang mambakod but at the same time, ’di ko naman lantaran na ipapamigay.

Ang kay Cerise ay kay Cerise lang.

Although kung magpapaagaw, wala naman akong magagawa.

I didn’t want to stare at Pablo like a creep kaya naman nag-phone ako habang inaayos iyong buhok ko. Napunta ako sa Instagram and saw na may Instagram story iyong personal account niya. This was new. Hindi naman nagpopost ang isang ’to.

I clicked on his story and saw that it was me… at this very moment. Walang caption o kahit ano. It was just a picture of me. Wala namang nakakakilig sa ginawa niya, pero kinikilig ako. Wala nga rin siyang followers! Ako lang nakakakita nito pero lecheng ’yan, kinilig na agad ako!

cerise: Are you bored?

User17381010: Not at all. Excited to see the dress though.

cerise: It’s red

User17381010: I know. I got the matching tie.

I glanced at his reflection. Nakaupo siya sa sofa ko. He was leaning and was staring at his phone. Bahagyang nakakunot ang noo niya. How could someone look this good kahit wala namang ginagawa?

Nang matapos sa buhok and makeup ko, pumasok na ako sa kwarto para magbihis. Then they fixed my hair again. Nakapatong sa kanang balikat pababa sa dibdib ko iyong buhok ko. I was wearing a backless dress, as per Pablo’s request.

“Di ka kaya pulmunyahin sa suot mo?”

Natawa ako. “Di naman siguro,” sagot ko. Alam kasi nila na usually hindi naman ako ganito magsuot kapag may events. Of course kahit na social event ng company iyon, it’s still work for me (and socialization because it’s all about connection). Ngayon lang parang pupulmunyahin ako dahil sobrang walang likod talaga iyong suot ko. Kapag yumuko ako ay makikita na ata iyong pwet ko.

Pablo was busy reading something on his phone na hindi niya narinig iyong pagbukas ng pinto sa kwarto ko.

“Pablo,” I called his name.

He looked at me and I should’ve had someone take a video or something because the way his lips parted when he saw me—I wanted to replay that very moment hanggang sa makabisado ko iyong bawat detalye.

“What?” I asked because I was actually starting to blush with the way he was staring at me.

Instead of saying something, he stood up and walked towards me. Halos mapasinghap ako nang hawakan niya iyong mukha ko gamit iyong pareho niyang kamay at titigan ang mga mata ko.

“I’d kiss you but your makeup artist is watching us,” he whispered so close to my face that his lips was almost touching mine.

“I know,” I whispered back.

“Well, can we already leave? I’d like to get in the privacy of my car and kiss you there.”

Holy fuck why was that hot?

Nagpaalam na ako sa glam team ko. Pablo and I walked to his car na naka-part sa basement parking lot. Pagpasok na pagpasok ko pa lang doon ay nagulat ako nang isandal ni Pablo iyong ulo niya sa steering wheel.

“Okay ka lang ba?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied, his head still on the steering wheel.

“Okay?”

“You just look so pretty,” he said and I felt my face heating up with the way he said those words—na para bang hirap na hirap siya kasi ang ganda ko? “I want to kiss you, but I don’t want to ruin your makeup.”

Fuck.

“I can just… retouch?” I offered.

“No, I’ll be fine. I don’t wanna mess with perfection.”

Kita ko iyong paghugot niya ng malalim na hininga. Why was it so hot kahit nakabukas naman iyong aircon sa sasakyan niya?

“What—” he said as he watched me straddle him. I adjusted the seat until he was on his back. “What are you doing?” he asked as he was watching me unbuckle his belt.

“I mean, we can still do other stuff without you ruining my makeup,” sabi ko nang matanggal ko na iyong seatbelt niya. “That’s your only concern, right? Because I look so pretty tonight?” I continued to ask as I was unbuttoning his pants.

I saw him breathing so deeply.

And his boxers looked like it’s fighting so hard to do its job to contain his dick.

“You know you look beautiful all the time,” he said as I placed my right hand on his shoulder to help me adjust my position. Pablo finally fucking realized that his was happening. I saw him quickly glance to check that the car was in neutral. And when he was certain that everything’s good, his right hand pulled the straps of my dress down while his other hand parted my panties to one side.

“Won’t you be late?” he asked as I was lowering myself around him. Fuck. Holy fuck. We’ve been doing this a lot already but he still felt so huge. I could feel him pulsating. God, he’s just so fucking good kahit wala pa siyang ginagawa sa akin. The mere contact was already driving me insane.

“Fashionably late,” I whispered as I started to grind my hips against him.

His hand was playing with my breast while his other hand was flicking me down there. God, it’s so good when he does that. He just knows how to use those fucking fingers.

“Can you go faster, love?” he asked as he was already thrusting upwards to meet me.

“I’m trying,” I replied.

“Let’s move at the back,” he said. “I wanna fuck you.”

“You already are,” I said as I was still grinding against him. God, he felt so fucking good. I’d never get enough of him and his dick.

“I know you don’t like being on top—too much work for you,” sabi niya at natawa ako.

“Shut up. I’m trying.”

“Some other time.”

“Paano tayo lilipat sa likod? There are cameras here.”

Hindi ko na tinanong kung saan niya nalaman kung paano kami makakalipat sa likod without going outside. I was so horny to start a conversation kung saan niya natutunan iyon. Basta pagdating namin sa likod, I was already on my back and he was in between my legs.

“Holy fuck,” was all I could say as he kept on thrusting inside me. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ibabaling iyong ulo ko. If someone was watching the CCTV, ang masasabi ko na lang ay enjoy the show. I was too in the moment to even care about anything but him fucking me in his car.

“Fucking hell, Cerise,” he whispered in my ear. “Your dress is all crumpled.”

“I don’t give a shit,” I replied as I anchored my left leg around his waist and pulled him closer to me as if that was even possible. My right hand reached for his face and brought him down with me so that I could kiss him.

God, I could kiss this man for days.

“Your makeup,” he said.

“Stop being considerate,” I replied.

He chuckled. “How am I being considerate at this very moment?” he asked while he flipped me and once again, I was on all fours. God, I love being on all fours with him. “See? Your dress is already crumpled.”

“No one will notice,” I said and my lips parted as I felt him go inside me again.

“I will notice.”

“You notice everything.”

“Because I care.”

“Shut up.”

“Never.”

I tried so hard na hindi dumikit sa upuan iyong mukha ko dahil sa makeup. I bit my lower lip because his car wasn’t sound proof although at this point, why even bother? I was sure that this car, from the outside, looked like it was currently experiencing earthquake.

“Fuck. Where will I come?” he asked.

“On my back?”

“Your dress.”

“Oh, right,” sabi ko. “I guess, come inside me?”

“Really?” he asked as his pace was quickening—a telltale that he’s near.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I mean, we’re both safe. It’ll be fine.”

“What if you get pregnant?”

“I will not.”

“But if you are?”

“Then we’ll have that awkward conversation,” sabi ko.

“I’ll just wear a condom so we don’t make a mess—”

“No,” I said because I didn’t want him to pull out. We’re so near. It’s gonna be so frustrating. “Just… please, Pablo… Don’t make me beg… I’m so close… I’m on birth control. I won’t get pregnant, I promise.”

His hands held the sides of my waist.

“This is not very smart of us.”

“Oh, we’ll survive,” I replied as I contracted around him and I felt he rested against my back. The way he moaned just sounded so fucking sexy in my ears.

“Fuck,” he moaned as he came inside me. “God, Cerise,” he panted.

I felt like something was missing as he pulled himself out. He grabbed a tissue and wiped me clean.

“I think we’re late already. Won’t you get in trouble?” he asked as he was making sure na malinis ako. He also inspected my dress to make sure na walang bakas niya.

“It was worth it, wouldn’t you agree?” I asked.

“Always worth it,” he replied and he just looked at me like I was the most fascinating human on earth and that he didn’t know what he’d do with me but also he didn’t want to know how it would be without me. 

**

This story is already completed on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 26

Chapter 26

“Don’t you think it’s weird?” tanong ko sa kanya habang naglalakad kami papunta sa elevator. The party was a success. The anniv issue was a success. I thought it was going to be a bit awkward dahil nagkita sina Paul at Pablo, but Paul was mature enough (surprisingly) na tumalikod lang siya nang makita kami. I mean, how affected could he really be kung may kasama siyang sikat na model?

“What’s with?” he asked.

“That… we’re here now.”

“In the parking?”

“No,” I said. “That we’re here. Together-ish?”

“Together-ish?”

I shrugged. “I mean, are we together?”

Smooth ba iyong pagkakatanong ko? Kanina ko pa ’to iniisip habang nagdadrive siya pabalik sa condo ko. Sa condo niya sana kaya lang wala naman doon iyong makeup remover ko and kung anu-ano pang gamit ko. For a change, sa condo ko kami magssleepover.

“Like literally?” he asked and I frowned at him dahil obvious naman na alam niya kung ano ang ibig kong sabihin. Humalakhak lang siya.

“Never mind,” sabi ko.

“Yes, we’re together,” he said. “I mean, if we’re not together after everything we’ve done, then this must be some very special friendship.”

“Do you have special friends?”

“Like best friends?”

I rolled my eyes again. “You know what I mean.”

Natawa siya. “No, not really,” he said. “I don’t like my friends that way.”

“As in never?”

“Never.”

“Fuck buddy? College? Wala talaga?”

“Oh,” he said. “Do you really want to talk about that?”

“So, meron nga?”

Natawa siya. “You’re already mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Then why are your brows furrowed?” sabi niya tapos tinuro niya iyong mga kilay ko. Napahawak din tuloy ako. Bakit ba? I mean, past is past! At least sa akin na siya ngayon—right? Sa akin na siya ngayon, ’di ba? Shet, kailangan ko ata ng isa pang confirmation!

“Just to clarify, we’re together now, right?”

“Yes.”

“So… you’re my boyfriend?”

He shrugged. “I guess.”

“Anong I guess ?”

Natawa siya. “I misspoke,” he said. “I am your boyfriend.”

Umirap ako. “Parang napilitan pa.”

He laughed. “Of course not,” he replied. “You’re very much my type. That’s the reason why I agreed to your ridiculous offer when we first met.”

“Right… It was ridiculous, right?”

“It was,” he said. “Never had I been propositioned to attend a wedding and to pretend to be someone’s boyfriend,” he continued. Now that he’s saying it, mas lalong mukhang weird nga. Ano kaya nainom ko nung gabi na ’yon para magkaroon ng lakas ng loob na tanungin siya? Kasi nakakahiya pala talaga ngayon na sinasabi niya!

“What made you say yes?”

“I just told you—you’re my type.”

“Paano mo nasabi na type mo ako?”

“I like the confidence,” he said. “I like go-getters.”

“You met me once. Paano mo nasabi na confident ako?”

“I just know.”

“So, ayaw mo sa mga damsel in distress?”

“I’m a busy person—I have no time to play knight-in-shining-armor,” he replied like it was such a chore.

I pouted. “But what if I need rescuing?”

“I mean, once in a while is fine, but I don’t want to be constantly rescuing anyone. That’s draining. I like someone who’s independent—someone who’s a whole person,” he said. “Am I making sense?”

“I guess.”

“I also don’t understand the concept of one person completing you. I feel like I am a complete person on my own. I’ll be fine on my own. I just really prefer to have you in my life. It’s more fun, you know?”

My eyes widened a bit. “I know!”

Ang weird.

For a long time, I thought na baka mag-end up ako na walang kasama. I mean, okay lang naman. Contrary sa sinasabi ng mga kamaganak ko na kailangan ko ng asawa at anak dahil sino ang magaalaga sa akin pagtanda ko, I felt like I would be really fine on my own. Of course meeting the love of my life would be really nice, but kung hindi, ano ang magagawa ko? I would rather enjoy being single than to settle for some guy na hindi ko naman ganoon kagusto. I’d seen marriages where people just settled. They don’t make it look too enticing. They just look miserable. I don’t want that for myself.

But then here came Pablo.

We just… click.

Dadating pala talaga ’yon.

Iyong tao na effortlessly lang na magugustuhan mo kasama. Hindi mo kailangan mag-effort. Hindi mo kailangan mag-adjust nang grabe. Kasi match kayo. Kasi ganon talaga.

Weird but wow.

“You know what?” he asked. “That my life is more fun with you?”

My eyes widened and I felt my cheeks heating up. “No,” I said. “I mean—” Napatigil ako kasi humalakhak siya. Tsk. Tinutukso na naman ako nito!

Pagdating namin sa condo, Pablo said to go ahead and remove my makeup. Medyo magulo kasi dahil hindi namin naayos iyong kalat kanina nung nandito pa iyong glam team ko.

“Do you need help?” he asked.

“For?”

“Getting out of that dress,” he said.

I frowned at him. “This is barely a dress,” sabi ko dahil kakarampot na tela na nga lang ’to dahil walang likod, e.

Tumawa siya. “Big fan of the dress.”

“Obviously,” sabi ko dahil laging nasa likod ko nga lang talaga iyong kamay niya tuwing magkasama kami. He wasn’t clingy, though. He was with me, but he also knew na kahit party ’yon, it was still work for me. Hindi siya nagreklamo kapag iniiwan ko siya sa table to mingle with people. He told me he’d be fine and that I should go do my thing. After all, sa party ka makakakuha ng connections and connections are very important sa industry na ginagalawan ko. Pero hindi ko naman siya iniwan totally. I still introduced him sa ibang ka-trabaho ko (they all gave thumbs up nung tumalikod si Pablo) (that spoke volumes because we work with really beautiful models).

Nagtanggal ako ng makeup habang nagaayos siya sa labas. This felt… nice. Domesticated, perhaps, but very nice. I could live like this.

“Do you want to order food?” rinig kong tanong niya.

“Not really. Are you hungry?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want anything?”

“You.”

“I’ll get burger, I guess,” sabi niya. Tapos biglang tumahimik. Akala ko ay may ginagawa siya sa phone or whatever kaya medyo nabigla ako nang bumukas iyong pinto sa CR. He was standing by the doorframe and looking at my through my reflection at the mirror. “Did you mean you want me?”

I arched my brow. “Maybe.”

My lips parted as he loosened up his tie.

God, everything about him was just hot it’s ridiculous.

“I thought you’re hungry?” I asked as he was walking until he was right behind me. He was standing behind me, his hands on my waist. Nakatingin siya sa repleksyon naming dalawa sa salamin. God, we look hot.

“Well, I think I can eat something else,” he said to my ears as I felt him hiking up my gown up to my waist and before I knew it, he was fucking me against the sink, in front of the mirror, while we both were watching the expression on our faces.

---

It started out as a good day.

Pablo went to some business trip for almost a week and ngayon siya uuwi. I felt cheesy by saying this, but I really did miss him. I missed his company. I missed his touch. I missed looking at his pretty face. Magkausap lang kami sa phone. It was torture! He was making me feel hot through the phone! Hindi ko alam na possible pala iyon? Na kahit salita lang parang gusto ko na lang pumasok sa cellphone tapos hilahin siya palabas doon?

God, I couldn’t wait to see him!

I was not that good of a cook, but I thought that I might actually try to make us dinner—try being the operative word. Kailangan kong magluto nang maaga para kapag palpak, may time pa ako para umorder.

For a change, umalis ako on time sa office. Usually kasi talaga ako ang last na tao roon. Dumiretso ako sa grocery. I decided to just cook tomato and garlic pasta. It looked easy nang panoorin ko sa Youtube. I mean, kaya ko naman sigurong lutuin as long as I would stick to the recipe.

“What—” I said nang sagutin ko iyong tawag ni Vie. She rarely calls me. She’s the closest cousin I have. I mean, slim pickings naman din kasi halos lahat sila ayaw sa akin or what. Wala na akong pakielam at this point.

“Uwi ka,” she said, cutting me off.

“Di na nga ako babalik d’yan,” I replied while I was looking at the tomato. Hindi ko alam kung alin dito ang bibilhin ko. They all looked nice.

“Nasa hospital si Tito,” she said.

“Sinong Tito?”

“Papa mo.”

Parang huminto iyong mundo ko.

Parang literal na hindi ako makahinga.

Ang dami kong gustong itanong sa kanya pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula.

“Uwi ka dito,” she said. “Ay, shet. Kaya mo ba mag-drive? Delikado. May pwede ba maghatid sa ’yo? If hindi, pwede naman sunduin kita kaya lang baka matagalan.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita.

Sumisikip iyong dibdib ko.

“Rise, nandyan ka pa ba?”

Gusto kong itanong sa kanya kung ano ang nangyari, kung nasaan si Papa, kung okay lang ba siya. Kung bakit siya ang nagsasabi sa akin nito at hindi si Mama o ang kapatid ko. Na alam ko na galit sila sa akin pero bakit hindi nila naisip na deserve kong marinig mula sa kanila ’to at hindi mula sa pinsan ko? Na kung hindi pa ako naalala ni Vie, wala akong alam?

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong mararamdaman.

“Si—” Huminga ako nang malalim. “Okay lang ba si Papa?”

Hindi agad siya nakasagot.

Ito ba ’yung dahilan kung bakit nagkikita kami lagi ni Papa? Premonition ba ’yon? Kaya ba gusto niya akong makita kasi alam niya na—

Marahas akong umiling.

No.

I shouldn’t go there.

I shouldn’t even think about that.

“Sasabihin ko agad sa ’yo kapag lumabas iyong doctor,” sabi niya.

Pilit akong huminga nang malalim. “Okay…”

“Paano ka pupunta rito?”

“I… I will ask Jana kung pwede siya,” sabi ko. Wala rin akong tiwala sa sarili ko. Wala ako sa tamang pagiisip para mag-drive papunta roon. Kailangan ko rin si Jana para samahan ako. Hindi ko kaya ngayon na pagtulungan ng pamilya ko. Hindi ngayon na hindi okay si Papa.

“Okay… Message mo ako kapag malapit ka na.”

“Salamat,” sabi ko. “Ano’ng nangyari?”

Hindi siya nakasagot.

Bigla akong kinabahan.

“Vie, anong nangyari?”

Sa bawat segundo na lumilipas na wala siyang sinasabi ay mas lalong bumibilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko.

“Kapag pumunta ka na lang dito,” sabi niya.

“Anong nangyari?”

Rinig ko iyong paghinga niy nang malalim. “Di ko rin alam pa kung san nanggaling, Cerise… Late ko lang din nalaman after ko marinig na inatake sa puso si Tito… Pero ang narinig ko lang may video niyo raw ni Pablo na nasa GC ng pamilya? Wala naman atang nag-send sa labas kasi inatake nga si Tito nung malaman. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan nila nakuha—”

Para akong tinakasahan ng hininga.

“Cerise? Nandyan ka pa ba?”

Anong video?

Bakit may video?

Bakit inatake si Papa dahil sa video?

Ang dami kong tanong… pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang ang hirap na maging masaya lang. 

**

This story is already completed on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 27

Chapter 27

“I’m sure okay lang si Tito,” sabi ni Jana habang nagda-drive siya. I was thankful na kahit may ginagawa siya ay sinamahan niya pa rin ako. I didn’t know what I’d do without her. I was so thankful for her presence in my life.

Hindi ako sumagot.

I didn’t know that.

I didn’t know kung okay lang si Papa. I hated that I was overthinking things na kung iyong paguusap ba namin dati ay pangitain na aalis na siya? Tangina lang kung ganon.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

No, I needed to be calm.

I needed to be level-headed now more than ever.

“Na-text mo ba si Pablo?” Jana asked.

“Yes.”

“Okay,” she said. “Sa tingin mo sino iyong kumuha ng video? And anong video iyong sinasabi nila?”

I remained silent because I didn’t want to talk about that. Sigurado ako na wala akong sex video dahil never ako pumayag sa ganoon. Call me paranoid but I don’t even take nude photos because of the fear na baka manakaw iyong cellphone ko at kung ano ang mangyari.

I was confident na walang sex video. Kung meron man, ang pinaka-naisip ko lang ay iyong sa sasakyan nung ginawa namin ni Pablo. But then again, so fucking what? He’s my boyfriend. I was a fucking adult. So what if I have sex?

Some people really needed to get a life. Lalo na sa pamilya ko na mukhang obsessed sa akin.

“Jana,” pagtawag ko sa kanya nang makarating kami sa hospital.

“Yes?”

“I know you love me, but please, be calm inside, okay?” sabi ko sa kanya. “Iyong safety ni Papa iyong importante sa akin ngayon. I really don’t have the energy to deal with anything else right now.”

Tumango siya.

Sinabi na sa akin ni Vie kung nasaan si Papa. He’s still in the operating room. Pagdating namin sa waiting room sa labas ay agad na nakita ko na nandon iyong mga kamaganak namin. Nandun din si Mama at si Therese. Nakita ko kung paano napailing at nagbulung-bulungan sila.

“Bili lang ako ng coffee,” sabi ni Jana pero mas ramdam ko na gusto niyang umalis dahil hindi niya mapigilan ang sarili niya. Siya iyong tipo ng kaibigan na mas galit kapag inaagrabyado ka.

Walang bakanteng upuan kung hindi sa tabi ni Therese. Naglakad ako papunta roon at naupo. I just wanted to be here for Papa. Kailangan ko lang malaman na okay siya. I already sent a request for leave dahil hindi ako aalis dito hanggang hindi ko sigurado na okay talaga siya.

He’s the only family I got left.

Itong mga tao sa paligid ko? They’re not family. Family is someone who’s always there—someone who’s got your back. Hindi sila ’yon kasi sila iyong mga tao na mas gusto kang husgahan, gusto kang hatakin pababa. Sila iyong tao na pamilya ka lang kapag may gustong makuha sa ’yo. Na kapag nag-set ka ng boundaries mo, ikaw pa iyong masama.

So, no, hindi ko sila pamilya. Si Papa lang ang pamilya ko rito.

“Ang kapal lang din ng mukha mong magpakita rito,” sabi ni Mama.

I remained silent. I should be the one who’s mad dahil kung hindi pa sinabi ni Vie sa akin, hindi ko pa malalaman na nandito sa hospital si Papa. Hindi ko pa malalaman na bida na naman ako sa group chat ng pamilya namin.

To be completely honest, wala akong pakielam kung anuman ang sinasabi nila sa group chat na ’yon tungkol sa akin—nagkaroon lang ako ng pakielam dahil nadamay na si Papa.

“Yan ba ang ginagawa mo sa Maynila?” muling sabi ni Mama.

I didn’t even have to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying anything. I had nothing left to say to them. I was just tired. I was tired from everything. My only concern was to know that my father’s safe. That’s all.

“Totoo ba iyong sa video?” bulong sa akin ng isa kong pinsan, pero iyong bulong niya ay sapat para marinig ng lahat dito.

“Siguro,” sagot ko.

“Talaga?”

“Oo na lang,” sabi ko.

May point pa ba kung sabihin ko na hindi o kung anuman? Sigurado naman ako na may pinaniniwalaan na sila. Kung anuman ang sabihin ko, hindi sila maniniwala. Ngayon pa ba? E buong buhay ko nga hindi sila nakinig sa akin—ano ang kaibahan ngayon?

“Ikaw nga ’yon?” sabi ng Tita ko.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Hindi ko po alam. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano iyong pinaguusapan niyo,” sagot ko sa kanya. Alam ko na hindi siya titigil sa kakatanong hanggang hindi ako sumagot at ayoko na marindi ako dahil mukhang medyo matagal pa kami rito.

Natahimik sila. Ano? Nakakahiya ba na aminin na pinanood nila kung anumang video iyong sinasabi nila? May mga asawa naman sila. ’Di naman bago sex sa kanila kung ’yun nga ang sinasabi nila. Hindi ko alam kung bakit big deal sa kanila lahat ng ginagawa ko sa buhay ko.

Tumayo ako at pumunta sa CR. Nagsabi na si Jana kanina na sa labas lang siya dahil hindi niya kaya maupo roon nang tahimik lang. I completely understood and even told her na pwede namang bumalik na siya sa Manila. She said she’ll stay hanggang makarating si Pablo rito at malaman niya na okay na si Papa.

“Hindi ka na talaga nahiya, Cerise,” sabi ni Mama paglabas na paglabas ko pa lang sa CR.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Ayoko makipagtalo. Hinding-hindi naman ako mananalo sa kanya dahil matagal na siyang nagdesisyon na ayaw niya sa akin.

“Kaya pala gustung-gusto mo roon sa Maynila? Dahil ganoon ang ginagawa mo?”

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Kinagat iyong dila ko para hindi ako makasagot.

“Para kang pokpok. Nakakahiya ka.”

“Okay,” sagot ko.

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Ano?”

“Okay. Nakakahiya na ako. Ano ba’ng bago? Never ka namang naging proud sa akin,” diretsong sabi ko sa kanya. Alam ko na hindi ko na dapat ’to sabihin. Wala naman akong mapapala. Wala namang magbabago. Pero at least nasabi ko na. At least alam niya kung ano iyong nararamdaman ko kahit wala siyang pakielam.

“Aba’t—”

“Kung anumang video ’yang sinasabi niyo, baka ako nga ’yan. Pero ano naman? Matanda na ako. Kaya kong magdesisyon sa buhay ko.”

“Nagmamalaki ka na!” sigaw niya sa akin.

“Bakit hindi? Lahat naman ng meron ako ngayon, pinaghirapan ko. Hindi naman ako si Therese na lahat ng luho, binibigay niyo. Kung anuman meron ako ngayon, pinagtrabahuhan ko ’yon. Wala kang ambag don, Mama.”

Hindi na ako nagulat nang makaramdam ako ng hapdi sa pisngi ko. Napahawak lang ako roon at ibinalik ko iyong tingin ko sa kanya.

“Ambag mo lang sa buhay ko na pinanganak mo ako. Magkano sa tingin mo ’yung halaga non, Ma? Pakisabi sa akin at ng mabayaran ko para wala na akong utang na loob sa ’yo.”

Siguro ang sama kong anak kasi siya pa rin naman iyong nanay ko… Pero hindi ko naman hiniling na mabuhay sa mundo na ’to. Sana kung ayaw niya talaga sa akin, sana ’di niya na lang ako tinuloy. Kasi mas maganda ’yon kaysa ’yung lumaki ako na araw-araw kong iniisip kung ano iyong nagawa ko at bakit ayaw niya sa akin.

Napahawak siya sa dibdib niya. Sakto na dumating si Therese at ibang kamaganak namin. Alam ko na ako na naman iyong masama. Sa isip nila, hindi lang si Papa ang papatayin ko, pati na si Mama. Sawa na akong ipagtanggol ang sarili ko kaya naman iniwan ko lang sila at saka lumabas para magpahangin muna.

Paglabas ko ay agad kong nakita si Pablo na parang may hinahanap. Nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin ay mabilis siyang lumapit sa akin.

“Hey—” I said but I wasn’t able to finish what I was saying because he quickly wrapped me inside his arms. My lips parted because I was able to feel relief when I felt him close to me.

Was he my comfort person now?

Meron na akong ganoon ngayon?

Hindi ako magisa lang?

“I’m sorry I took too long,” he whispered apologetically.

“You didn’t know that this would happen,” I replied as I let myself relax in his arms.

“How’s your dad?”

“Hindi ko alam. The operation’s still ongoing.”

“Okay,” he replied.

I liked how he didn’t tell me that everything’s going to be fine because he didn’t know that. Walang may alam kung ano ang mangyayari. I liked that he just held me in his arms and made me feel that he was there. It was enough. It was more than enough.

“Nasa labas na raw iyong doctor,” sabi ko sa kanya nang mag-text sa akin si Vie. Tumingin ako sa kanya. “Can I ask for a favor?”

“Yes. Anything,” sagot niya sa akin.

“Don’t defend me. I just want to know that Papa’s fine. That’s all.”

Hindi ko na sinabi sa kanya iyong nangyari kanina. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung alam niya iyong tungkol sa video. Sinabi ko lang sa kanya na nandito ako dahil inatake sa puso si Papa. Sasabihin ko naman sa kanya iyong tungkol sa video pero ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano ’yon. Wala rin akong balak panoorin. Kung meron mang dapat mahiya, sila ’yon na pinanood iyon.

“I will try hard,” he said.

“Don’t try, just do.”

“Your family sucks,” he replied.

“I know, but let’s just keep our silence.”

Nagbuntung-hininga siya. “Okay. I will keep my silence. I promise.”

Naglakad kami pabalik sa loob. Sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan, iyong Tita ko ang kausap ng doctor tungkol kay Papa. Si Mama ay tahimik na nakikinig habang si Therese ay iyak pa rin nang iyak hanggang ngayon.

“Okay lang daw ba?” tanong ko kay Vie dahil hindi ko naabutan iyong karamihan sa sinabi nung doctor.

Tumango siya.

Fuck.

Thank God.

Sinabi ni Vie sa akin na sinabi raw ng doctor na okay na si Papa pero under observation pa rin. Critical daw iyong mga susunod na oras. Dito muna ako hanggang masigurado ko na okay siya.

“Puntahan ko lang iyong doctor,” sabi ko kay Pablo. Hindi ko alam kung kakausapin ba ako nung doctor o maghahanap ako ng nurse. Gusto ko lang marinig mula sa kanila na okay si Papa. Marami din akong tanong. Kung pwede nga lang na ipalipat si Papa sa Manila. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero pakiramdam ko mas maaalagaan siya roon—hindi dahil mas magaling iyong mga doctor doon kung hindi dahil wala namang kwenta iyong mga tao rito. Pakiramdam ko ay mas maaalagaan ko si Papa kahit may trabaho pa ako.

Hinanap ko iyong doctor na kausap nila kanina. Nang makita ko siya ay halata na wala siya sa mood na kausapin ako dahil siguro pagod na rin sa operasyon pero siguro ay nakita niya iyong desperasyon sa mukha ko kaya kinausap niya pa rin ako. Pinaliwanag niya iyong ginawa nila kay Papa at kung ano iyong mga pwedeng mangyari. He patiently explained everything hanggang sa gumaan iyong loob ko kahit papaano.

Naglakad ako pabalik. Huminga ako nang malalim habang naglalakad. Mas lalong hindi ako pwedeng makipagtalo sa kanila dahil sinabi nung doctor na bawal ma-stress si Papa. Alam ko na nasstress siya kapag nagaaway kami sa bahay. Titiisin ko ngayon. Ilang araw lang naman.

“I’m sorry but I fail to understand how any of this is your business?” rinig kong sabi ni Pablo nang papalapit na ako sa waiting area.

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko at binilisan ko ang paglalakad.

“Hambog na ’to!” sabi ni Mama sa kanya. “Ang kapal ng mukha mo e ni hindi ka naman pala boyfriend talaga ni Cerise.”

Napaawang ang labi ko.

What?

Una, iyong video, tapos, ito? May nakasunod ba sa amin? What the fuck was happening?

“Cerise and I are together. I don’t know where you are getting this nonsense,” kalmadong sabi ni Pablo pero iba na iyong mga salitang ginagamit niya. He was still trying to be calm because I asked him to be calm, but he’s been very clear that he’s not my family’s biggest fan.

Nang papalapit na ako roon, nakita ko na nakatingin si Pablo kay Therese.

“About this video you all keep on talking about, I’m sure you know that taking a video of another person without their consent is a violation of Safe Spaces Act,” sabi niya. “I’ll have to talk to someone and rest assured that we’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Hindi ko alam kung kulang lang ba ako sa tulog o pagod na ako sa lahat ng nangyari pero kitang-kita ko iyong pamumutla ng mukha ni Therese.

Seryoso ba?

Siya iyong kumuha nung sinasabi nilang video?

How low could she go?

“Since you all are so concerned about Cerise and her ‘value’ as a woman, I promise you all that whoever took that video will be dealt with accordingly,” Pablo said like it was a promise that he intended to keep. 

**

This story is already finished on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 28

Chapter 28

“I’m sorry,” sabi ni Pablo sa akin nang kaming dalawa na lang ang magkasama. Umuwi na pabalik sa Manila si Jana. Humingi na lang ako ng favor sa kanya para dalhin dito iyong ibang gamit ko. Ayoko kasi talagang bumalik sa Manila ng hindi ako sigurado kung okay na ba talaga si Papa. Nagsabi na rin ako sa work.

“For what?” I asked.

We were sitting on a bench outside the hospital. It was three in the morning. Tahimik na tahimik. Mas ramdam ko ngayon na nasa probinsya ako. Ngayon lang din ako nakahinga nang maayos kahit papaano.

“You asked me to not say anything,” he said. “I really did try though.”

I looked at him and gave him a small smile. “I know you did,” I replied.

“They’re the fucking worse.”

“Used to it already.”

“That’s even worse.”

“It’s fine. I already cut them off anyway. If not for Papa, wala naman ako rito ngayon,” I said.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about your dad.”

I just gave him a small smile dahil hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. I would prefer na pagusap namin si Papa kapag maayos na iyong kalagayan niya. Until he’s in the clear, I’d rather we not discuss him kasi mas lalo lang akong mag-o-overthink.

“About what you said earlier.” Tumingin siya sa akin. “Did you mean that?”

“Mean what?”

“That you’ll… I don’t know… deal with it accordingly?”

Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ba siya sa sinabi niya o hindi. Base rin sa reaction ni Therese, hindi ko alam kung bakit may parte sa akin na nagsasabi na may kinalaman siya sa video na ’yon. Ayoko siyang mapahamak dahil kapatid ko pa rin siya… pero minsan kasi kailangan niyang makita iyong consequences ng ginagawa niya para magtanda.

“Yeah, I plan to,” sabi niya. “Don’t you want me to?”

Hindi agad ako nakasagot.

But if it were really her, I just needed her to learn her lesson. All her life, lagi siyang kinakampihan ni Mama. She needed to know that that shit won’t always fly. Matanda na siya. Hindi na nga dapat siya tinuturuan ng ganito. Dapat alam niya na ’to sa sarili niya.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I kinda want her to learn her lesson. Is that so bad?”

“Her?”

I shrugged. “Yeah… Is it also bad that I think it’s my sister who did this?”

“Nah. She gave you plenty of reasons why you’d suspect her.”

Napabuntung hininga ako. “I don’t know why we ended up like this. We used to be so close.”

Pablo placed his arm on my shoulders and pulled me close. He kissed the side of my head. “That’s life,” he said. “Sometimes, you really just outgrow people.”

“Even family?”

“If they suck, yes,” sabi niya. “Just because you’re family doesn’t give you an automatic pass to treat people like shit.”

“They suck.”

“Oh, God, they really do,” sabi niya sa akin.

“So, what’s the plan?” I asked.

“You wanna know?”

I nodded. “Distraction,” I replied.

“Okay,” he replied, nodding his head like he understood that I needed to be distracted at this very moment. Gusto kong pumasok na sa loob kaya lang ay pakiramdam ko magkakaroon na talaga ng gulo kapag nagkita iyong pamilya ko at si Pablo. Pablo wouldn’t start a fight pero hindi ko rin siya masisi na sumagot kapag ganon na iyong sinasabi ni Mama sa kanya.

“Firstly, I have no fucking idea what video they’re talking about,” sabi niya sa akin. “Do you know what that is?”

Umiling ako. “No idea,” sabi ko. “We don’t record ourselves when we have sex, right?”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Why are you asking me? I never asked you to record us.”

I shrugged. “Just making it clear.”

“I have a good memory. I don’t need a video to remember all the things you do to me.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “ I do to you?“

Tumango siya. “You just look respectable, but love, you are a freak in bed.”

I blinked in surprise.

Natawa siya.

“See? No rebuttals because I am right.”

“No, I was just shocked with the audacity,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Audacity to be honest?”

Umirap ako. “Shut up.”

Tumawa siya. “I’ll have my lawyer contact your sister.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya. “What?”

“I won’t sue her, don’t worry. Just scare her a bit,” he said. “Most people get scared when lawyers are involved.”

“I know. Weird, though.”

“Weirdly effective,” sabi niya.

“Nagawa mo na ba ’to before?”

“Sometimes,” sabi niya. “I don’t like confrontations. If it’s not something personal, I prefer my lawyer to handle my affairs. Easier that way.”

Tumango ako. “Makes sense,” sabi ko dahil noon ko pa napansin na non-confrontational siya na tao. Kaya nga nung nakita ko na sumagot na siya kay Mama, ang naisip ko agad ay napikon na siya kasi usually tahimik naman siya.

“In all seriousness, someone just really needs to put your sister in her place.”

Napabuntung-hininga na lang ako dahil pareho kami ng naisip.

“But you really won’t sue her, right?”

“No,” he replied.

“Okay.”

“But I can scare her, right?”

I shrugged. “I guess?”

Natawa siya. “Alright,” he said. “At least I have your permission.”

Umirap ako. “It was not my idea, though!”

He shrugged. “I mean, if she’s not the one who spread that nasty video—whatever that is—then she’d have no reason to be scared, right?”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Right…”

“So, if she’s innocent in all this, then all will be good.”

Tumango ako.

Muling kinabig ako ni Pablo palapit sa kanya at hinalikan iyong gilid ng ulo ko. We just stayed there for a while. Gusto ko na dito muna ako.

“I’m glad I’m here,” he said.

“Me, too.”

“I don’t like confrontations, but I feel like fighting your relatives.”

I chuckled at his remark. “Have it your way. Been fighting with them all my life.”

“Okay. My turn, I guess?” sabi niya at hinigpitan ang yakap sa akin.

---

We stayed there for as long as we possibly could. After a while, we decided to go back inside dahil umalis na si Vie. Hindi na ako aasa pa sa pamilya ko na tatawagin nila ako kung may mangyari man sa loob. We’re just not built like that, sadly. Sabi pa naman nila na very family-centered ang mga Pilipino—mukhang maling pamilya ang napuntahan ko.

Pagbalik namin sa loob ay sabay kaming natigilan ni Pablo nang makasalubong namin si Therese. Mukha siyang mamamatay sa kaba. Ganoon ang itsura niya.

“Ate,” she called.

Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na mapairap sa pagtawag niya sa akin ng Ate. I didn’t want to waste more energy with her. Si Pablo na ang bahala sa kanya.

“Pwede ba tayong magusap?” tanong niya.

Naramdaman ko iyong pagabot ni Pablo sa kamay ko at paghawak doon. Tuwing kaharap ko si Therese o kung sinuman sa pamilya ko, pagod ang una kong nararamdaman dahil alam ko na kakailanganin ko na namang ipagtanggol ang sarili ko. Pero nang maramdaman ko iyong pagabot niya sa kamay ko? It was like I was reminded na oo nga pala, hindi pala ako magisa.

“Para saan?” tanong ko habang hawak ang kamay ni Pablo.

Tumingin siya kay Pablo na para bang natatakot siya. Bakit? Dahil sinabi ni Pablo na kung sinuman ang nagkalat ng video na ’yon ay mananagot? Sa lahat ng ginawa niyang kagaguhan sa akin, ni isang beses hindi ko maalala na nagsisi siya. Ngayon lang. Kasi ano? Kasi may consequence na iyong ginagawa niya? Hindi dati na ewan ko ba kung ano ang trip niya.

Hindi siya sumagot.

“Sige na, Ate?” she asked again.

“Kung anuman ang sasabihin mo, sabihin mo na ngayon.”

“Yung tayong dalawa lang, Ate…”

“Ano ba ’yan? Bakit hindi mo masabi sa harap ni Pablo?”

Para na siyang iiyak.

Hindi ako makaramdam ng saya.

Hindi ko na rin gustong malaman kung bakit.

“Tungkol san ba kasi ’to?” I asked. “Kung hindi ka magsasalita, pupunta pa ako sa kwarto ni Papa.”

Gusto ko sanang makaramdam ng awa pero kahit nang banggitin ko si Papa, wala akong nakitang pangamba o pagka-guilty sa mukha niya. Iyong sa akin, sanay na ako. Galit talaga siya sa akin sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. Pero iyong kay Papa? Si Papa na wala namang ibang ginawa kundi mahalin siya at ibigay lahat ng luho niya? Nilang dalawa ni Mama?

Akmang aalis na kami ni Pablo nang bigla niyang hawakan iyong kamay ko. Was she really that scared sa sinabi ni Pablo na ganito siya umasta? Was she really that scared na mas inuuna niya pang isipin ’to kaysa sa tatay namin na kakagaling lang sa operasyon?

Pambihira.

Kakaiba talaga si Therese.

Tumingin siya kay Pablo. “Kuya, pwede bang iwan mo muna kami?”

“Do you want me to leave?” tanong ni Pablo sa akin.

I looked at Therese.

Lagi niya ’tong ginagawa sa akin.

Mamaya magulat na lang ako nasa sahig na ’to tapos biglang papalabasin niya sa pamilya namin na tinulak ko siya. Ang lungkot lang na kahit ano ang gawin niya, hinding-hindi na ata ako magtitiwala kasi ilang beses niya na akong ginago.

“No,” I told him and then looked at Therese again. “Kung wala kang sasabihin, aalis na kami.”

Bago pa man ako makalakad ay humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya at naghihintay sa sasabihin niya—kung iyon man nga ang sasabihin niya.

“Hindi ko sinasadya,” bigla niyang sabi. “Sorry, Ate…”

“Hindi mo sinasadya ang ano? Sorry para saan?”

Nakita ko na naglalakad papunta sa amin si Leo. Nakatalikod si Therese. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba iyong ginagawa ko. Kung dapat ko bang tanungin si Therese sa nagawa niya. Kung alam ba ni Leo na ganito iyong babae na pinakasalan niya. Kung dapat ba akong makielam pa sa kanilang dalawa.

“Yung sa video…” sabi niya.

“Aling video?”

Unti-unting lumuluwag iyong pagkakahawak niya sa braso ko. Nakatingin na siya sa sahig at kitang-kita ko iyong pagtulo ng luha niya. Nakatingin si Leo sa kanya at saka akin na nakakunot ang noo. Of course ako na naman ang masama at nagpapaiyak sa kanya.

“Yung pinaguusapan nila?”

Tumango siya.

“Paano mo nakuha ’yon?” tanong ko kahit hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong video ’yung sinasabi nila.

“Pumunta ako sa Maynila para sana makiusap na dun muna ako kasi nahihirapan ako na nandito si Leo…” sabi niya. Napatingin ako kay Leo na mukhang naguguluhan sa nangyari.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Sa tingin mo papatirahin kita sa condo ko?” natatawang sabi ko sa kanya. “Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa mo sa akin?”

Nagpunas siya ng luha pero tuluy-tuloy pa rin ang pagtulo nun. Hindi siya nagsalita. Hindi niya ako kinontra. At least alam niya sa sarili niya na gago siya sa akin.

“Ano ’yung video na sinasabi mo, Therese?” muling tanong ko sa kanya. Sigurado ako na wala siyang susi ng condo ko. Ni hindi ko nga pinalagay ’yan sa visitor’s list dahil ayoko siyang makita. Sa condo ako nagpapahinga kaya bakit ko siya papapuntahin doon?

“Yung sa may parking, Ate,” sabi niya habang nakatingin pa rin sa sahig. “Wala namang nakita don, Ate… Sila Tita lang kung anu-ano na iyong sinabi… Hanggang ’di ko na alam kung saan na napunta…”

Gusto kong matawa na maiyak na hindi ko maintindihan.

Parang tangina.

“Anong hindi mo alam? Bata ka ba? Sa tingin mo talaga kapag nag-send ka ng ganong video sa kanila, wala silang ibang iisipin? Magisip ka nga.”

Pilit akong huminga nang malalim.

“Ako sanay na ako sa ginagawa mo sa akin. Matagal ka nang ganyan. Pero ito na nadamay si Papa? Pagdasal mo talaga, Therese, na walang mangyari kay Papa kasi sinasabi ko sa ’yo…” sabi ko at saka naramdaman ko iyong paghawak ni Pablo sa kamay ko.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Tama na.

Bakit nagaaksaya na naman ako ng oras at lakas sa kanya?

Hindi na siya magbabago talaga.

“Let’s go,” Pablo said at hinawakan niya ako para makapaglakad kami. Ni hindi ako lumingon nang marinig ko iyong paguusap nila. I wasn’t even interested anymore kung magbati sila, maghiwalay sila, o patuloy na magbulag-bulagan si Leo sa kanya.

His clown, his circus.

“I told you, people get scared at the mention of consequences. Sometimes, you got to scare them a bit,” he said while we were walking away.

Mahina akong natawa. “Dapat pala matagal ko na siyang binantaan ng demanda.”

Pablo laughed a little and then held my hand tighter. “Are you okay?” Pablo asked. I looked at him and breathed in relief. I got Jana, Papa, and him… I got people who love me for who I am. Bakit hindi ako magiging okay?

**

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Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Pablo had to go back to Manila for some reason. I tried to listen when he was explaining kung bakit kailangan niyang umalis, but seriously, he’s not expected to stay here with me. We’re together, yes, but we still have separate lives. Besides, okay naman na si Papa. He’s still in recovery, but he’s already out of the woods.

“Sabihin mo, Pa, kapag gusto mong makita sila Mama,” sabi ko sa kanya habang pinagbabalat ko siya ng prutas. Ako kasi iyong nakabantay sa kanya ngayon. Alam ko naman na hindi pupunta rito sila Mama o iyong mga tita ko kapag nandito ako. Ang tataas kaya ng pride ng mga ’yon. Iyon bang alam naman nila na sila ang mali pero sila pa rin ang magmamalaki.

“Talaga bang ’di ako nakaka-istorbo sa trabaho mo?” he asked instead.

Umiling ako. “Naka-leave nga ako,” sagot ko sa kanya. “Pagbalik ni Pablo dito, papakita ko sa ’yo ’yung anniversary issue namin,” dugtong ko. Syempre proud ako sa pinagpaguran ko. Gusto ko lang din na makita ni Papa iyon. Alam ko na alam niya na mahal ko iyong trabaho ko kaya gusto ko rin na makita niya iyong output. Medyo hindi niya rin kasi maintindihan iyong trabaho ko kapag pinapaliwanag ko sa kanya kaya mas maganda na ipakita ko na lang.

Tumingin sa akin si Papa. I knew he wanted to ask about the video. Hindi niya lang alam kung paano sisimulan sa akin. Ayoko rin naman i-bring up dahil mas concerned ako sa health niya. Besides, it’s a non-issue naman na. Therese already learned her lesson—I hope.

“May sasabihin ka ba, Pa?” I managed to ask nang ilang segundo na siya na nakatingin sa akin.

I waited for him to tell me something, anything, but he only smiled at me and asked me to hand him the fruit platter. Nagkwentuhan kami tungkol sa ibang bagay. We made a new list. Hindi na lang restaurant na gusto niyang puntahan kung hindi mga lugar na rin. Hindi kasi siya masyadong nakapagbakasyon dahil busy siya sa pagta-trabaho para makapagprovide sa amin. I didn’t like taking leaves because I used to think that it would hinder me from fast-tracking my career. Pero ngayon na alam ko na iyong pakiramdam na pwede siyang mawala anytime? I would take all the leaves that I could get and spend time with my dad.

We ended up with quite a list. I was already plotting in my head kung paanong hati sa vacation ko ang gagawin ko. I’d just have to work faster and compromise with my employer, I guess? Bahala na. I’d just have to discuss it with them pagbalik ko.

“Cerise,” pagtawag ni Papa.

“Yes?”

“Masaya ka naman, ’di ba?” he asked instead.

For some reason, I was extremely happy that he didn’t ask me about the video. It made me feel na wala siyang pakielam—not in the sense na wala siyang pakielam sa akin but in the sense that he loves me and respects me enough to know that I am an adult and I do my own thing. And that there’s nothing wrong with what I did dahil wala naman akong tinatapakan na tao. And kung may disappointing man sa mga anak niya, si Therese ’yon at hindi ako.

I looked at him and nodded. “Masayang-masaya,” I replied because at the moment, I truly was happy.

---

Umaalis ako kapag hapon na para naman magkaroon ng oras sila Mama na pumunta kapag gabi. Babalik ako kapag umaga na and may dala ako na prutas o kung anuman para kay Papa. Minsan kapag gabi at hindi ako makatulog, pupunta rin ako doon tapos doon ako matutulog sa upuan kahit sobrang uncomfortable.

Ewan ko ba. Nagkaroon na ako ng paranoia na baka biglang magkaroon ng complications iyong operasyon.

Tonight, though, I was getting ready dahil pupuntahan ako ni Pablo sa hotel. He just finished fixing some things and he said that he’d stay with me for a few days. May dala rin siya na mga gamit ko from my condo and the magazine that I requested.

While waiting, I was trying to catch up with some work. Naka-leave ako but I still asked to be updated para pagdating ko, walang masyadong backlog.

Pablo’s last message mentioned that he was 20 minutes away and he asked if I was in the mood to go out for dinner or if gusto ko na magdala na lang siya ng food. I told him na wala ako sa mood lumabas and I’d rather stay in with him. It’s been a few days since we saw each other. I never told him I missed him, but damn, I missed him already! I never thought na clingy pala ako as a girlfriend. Although I would never tell him that. Still felt a bit weird to be showy. At least for me. At least for now.

Nang may marinig akong katot sa pintuan, agad akong tumayo. I almost ran to the door because I was that excited to see him again kahit na okay, drive safely lang ang reply ko sa kanya kanina.

“Hey—”

Agad akong natigilan nang si Mama ang makita ko nang buksan ko ang pinto. Hindi ako nakapagsalita agad. I didn’t know what I would tell her. I was already resigned to the idea that we’d never see eye to eye. Ayoko siya bastusin but at the same time, I’d rather not be in the same room as her. I mean, it’s been three decades. She’s been treating me horribly for as long as I could remember kaya bakit ako magiisip na may chance pa na magbago ’yon?

Sabi nga, if people show you who they are, believe them.

And she’s been showing me who she is for as long as I can rememeber.

Walang nagsasalita sa amin.

Nakahawak lang ako sa may pinto habang seryoso si Mama na nakatingin sa akin. I bet nandito siya dahil nagsumbong iyong paborito niyang anak. Ano pa ba ang posibleng dahilan bukod don?

“Ano ba ang sinabi niyong dalawa kay Therese?” she asked after a few minutes that honestly began to feel like forever.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Wala naman po,” I replied.

Wala naman talaga. Pablo was only bluffing nung sinabi niya na ipapakulong niya si Therese. I mean, sure that’s quite scary. But then again, she brought it on herself. She’s an adult—may asawa na nga. Surely alam niya dapat na may paglalagyan ’yung kagagahan niya.

“Hindi kumakain. Hindi lumalabas sa kwarto. Kapag may nangyaring masama sa kapatid mo!” galit na sabi niya sa akin.

Mas lalong lumalim ang kunot ng noo ko. “Bakit kasalanan ko na naman, Ma?” I asked. “Ang ginagawa ko lang dito sa Bataan, bantayan si Papa. Bakit kasalanan ko kapag may nangyari kay Therese?”

“Wala ka talagang pakielam sa kapatid mo!”

“Ano ba’ng walang pakielam? Matagal na kaming hindi naguusap, Ma. Alam mo naman ’yan. ’Di ka naman siguro bulag. Alam mo naman iyong nangyari dati. Alam mo rin sigurado iyong nangyayari ngayon. Kung hindi kami close, siguro kasalanan mo rin ’yon kasi masyado mong pinapahalata na may paborito ka sa aming dalawa. Ngayon, tanggap na tanggap ko na ’yon. Okay na ako. Pero ang hindi ko maintindihan ay bakit kasalanan ko pa rin hanggang ngayon kahit wala naman na akong ginagawa?” diretsong sabi ko sa kanya habang may lakas ng loob pa ako na sabihin iyong mga gusto kong sabihin.

Hindi siya nagsalita.

Alam kaya niya na si Therese iyong kumuha nung video at nag-send? Sana hindi niya alam. Parang mas nakakagago lang kasi kung alam niya pero kahit na ganoon, siya pa rin ang kakampihan.

“Puro ka panunumbat! Pinagaral ka naman. Sa tingin mo ba mararating mo ’yang narating mo kung hindi dahil sa amin ng Papa mo?”

Saglit akong napapikit at napahinga nang malalim.

Why was I here again?

Why did I keep on ending up here?

“Wala akong ginawa kay Therese, Mama,” I said instead because this was the reason why she’s here anyway. “Kung hindi siya lumalabas o kumakain, dalhin niyo sa doctor.”

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

“Wala ka talagang pakielam sa kapatid mo,” sabi niya.

“Baka siya ang walang pakielam sa akin,” sagot ko.

Walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa.

“Hindi ko alam kung saan kami nagkulang sa ’yo at nagkaganyan ka. Nakatuntong ka lang sa Maynila, naging mapagmalaki ka na!”

Pilit akong huminga nang malalim at humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa pinto. “Kung wala na kayong sasabihin, Ma, papunta na kasi dito si Pablo. Ayoko lang na magabot kayo dahil alam ko naman na ayaw niyo sa kanya.”

“At talagang mas pinipili mo na ’yang lalaking ’yan kaysa sa pamilya mo.”

Tumango ako. “Mas pinipili ko lang ’yung tao na mahal ako at may pakielam sa akin. ’Di naman mahirap pumili kung sino ’yon,” diretsong sagot ko habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya.

Ang dami ko pang gustong sabihin pero hindi ko masabi. Kahit papaano ay nanay ko pa rin siya. Ayoko na dalawa sila ni Papa sa hospital. Ang pwede ko na lang gawin ay umiwas na sa kanya, sa kanila ni Therese. Sa ganon, lahat kami ay magiging tahimik ang buhay. ’Yon lang naman ang gusto ko.

“Saka hindi ko naman responsibilidad si Therese, Mama. Sa asawa niya kayo magsabi kung hindi kumakain o hindi lumalabas,” dugtong ko.

“Naghiwalay na nga rin silang dalawa dahil sa kung anuman ang sinabi mo!”

Napaawang ang labi ko.

Wow…

After all these years, ngayon lang nakita ni Leo iyong ugali ng kapatid ko?

Umiling ako. I wouldn’t let her put that blame on me.

“Kung naghiwalay man po sila, wala akong kasalanan doon,” sabi ko. Muli akong huminga nang malalim. “Kung gusto niyong magabot kayo ni Pablo, okay lang naman sa akin, Mama. Pero ang akin lang, ayoko ng gulo. Pagod ako sa pagbabantay kay Papa,” I continued. “Napuntahan niyo po ba si Papa? Umaalis ako roon kapag 5PM na kasi alam ko na may trabaho kayo saka sila Tita.” I had to ask because I couldn’t ask Papa kung may bumibisita ba sa kanya kapag wala ako. I didn’t have the heart to know kung sabihin niya na wala.

“Talagang wala kang pakielam sa kapatid mo!” sabi niya. “Kapag nagpakamatay ’yon—”

“I highly doubt that she’ll do that,” sabi ko dahil masyadong mahal ni Therese ang sarili niya para gawin iyon. O kung gagawin man niya iyon, sigurado ako na magiiwan siya ng letter para sisihin ako sa lahat ng nangyari. “And if she’ll do that, it’s not my fault,” dugtong ko.

Napahawak siya sa dibdib niya na para bang nahihirapan na siya sa paghinga. Tumigil ako sa pagsasalita.

Napatingin ako sa gilid ko at nakita ko si Pablo na napahinto nang makita si Mama sa harap ng kwarto ko. He looked at me like he was asking me what was happening. He had this worried look on his face. I gently shook my head. I was glad that he’s here, but there’s no need to be on my defense… I think.

Lumapit siya sa amin. He stood by my side and held my hand. He didn’t say a word, but his gesture spoke a thousand words.

Nakatingin lang si Mama sa amin. Wala siyang sinabi kung hindi iyong pagiling niya at saka pagalis. Nang hindi na siya abot ng paningin ko ay saka lang ako nakahinga nang maayos.

“Are you okay?” Pablo asked.

I nodded. “Yeah…” I replied with a smile. “Are you tired?”

Umiling siya. “Are you hungry?”

Tumango ako. “Yeah…” sabi ko kahit sa totoo lang, nawalan ako ng gana nung makita ko si Mama. But I’d been looking forward to having a nice meal with Pablo kaya kakain kami as planned.

We enjoyed a nice meal. I didn’t need to ask him kung ano iyong ginawa niya sa Maynila kasi kusa niyang sinabi sa akin iyong ginawa niya. I just sat there and listened to him tell me about his day. Ganito pala iyong pakiramdam? Na kahit sobrang normal at sobrang random lang ng sinasabi niya, parang ang saya pa rin? Na makikinig ako kahit gaano pa kahaba at katagal iyong araw niya?

This must be what finding your home feels like.

It feels like… you’re finally home.

“You sleepy?” I asked nang humikab siya.

“Kinda,” he replied.

“You should sleep.”

“But I wanna talk,” he said.

“Kanina ka pa kaya nagsasalita,” I said in jest.

“You could’ve interrupted.”

I waived my hand. “Nah. I enjoyed listening,” I said.

“To my random day?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’d take your random day over my dramatic day.”

“Right… How’s your dad?” he asked. “Any changes?”

“He’s quite stable,” sagot ko. “You should sleep. I think I’ll go visit him tonight,” dugtong ko dahil sa dating ng paguusap namin ni Mama, mukhang ako lang talaga ang bumibisita kay Papa. Uunahin niya pa ba si Papa kung hindi kumakain iyong paborito niyang anak? Malamang hindi.

I told Pablo that I’ll be back later and that I’ll be there when he wakes up. Pumunta ako sa hospital. Nang maglalakad na ako papasok ay napahinto ako nang makita ko si Leo bigla. Tipid siyang ngumiti sa akin.

“Sinong dadalawin mo rito?” I asked him.

“Si Tito,” he replied.

“Oh…”

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Ano naman ang sasabihin ko? As far as I was concerned, whatever business we have’s already done and concluded. I shouldn’t concern myself with him or with him and Therese.

“Gusto ko lang humingi ng tawad.”

Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita.

“Nangako ako na aalagaan ko si Therese—”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

This again.

My god.

“Hindi mo kasalanan na hindi kumakain o hindi lumalabas si Therese, okay? Walang may kasalanan kung hindi siya. She brought this upon herself. Hinding-hindi matututo iyong isang ’yon kung laging may aako sa mga ginagawa niya.”

Kumunot ang noo niya.

“Hindi kumakain si Therese?” he asked like it was a news to him. Hindi ako nagsalita. Umayos siya ng tayo. Tumingin siya sa akin. “Nakipaghiwalay muna ako kay Therese,” he said. “Gusto ko lang magsorry sa Papa mo kasi ’di ko natupad iyong sinabi ko sa kanya noon nung hingin ko iyong kamay ni Therese na aalagaan ko siya kahit ano ang mangyari.”

Nakatayo lang ako roon.

“Parang hindi ko na siya kilala.”

“O baka kilala mo na siya noon pa kaya lang pinili mo na ’wag makita,” I said.

Mapait siyang ngumiti. “Baka nga…” sabi niya. “Masama ba na mahal ko pa rin siya kahit ganon siya?” he asked and he got no response from me. “Pero ayoko na lumala pa siya. Alam ko naman na mabait si Therese… Siguro kinain lang siya ng inggit.”

“So, kasalanan ko na naman?”

Mabilis siyang umiling. “Hindi,” sabi niya. “Wala kang kasalanan. Pero wala ring makakatulong kay Therese kung hindi ang sarili niya. Tama ka—hindi siya matututo kung laging may sasagot sa kasalanan niya,” dugtong niya at saka huminga nang malalim. “Kilala ko iyong sarili ko. Mahina ako pagdating sa kapatid mo. Palagay ko mas mabuti kung maglalayo muna kami. Hindi siya magbabago kung lagi akong nasa tabi niya dahil alam ko na sasaluhin ko lang lahat ng kasalanan niya. Mas mabuti kung maghihiwalay muna kami.”

Tumango ako.

“Si Mama ang sasalo sa kanya.” Malungkot na napangiti siya. “Hope she realizes she’s doing more harm than good.”

Tumango si Leo.

Pinauna ko si Leo sa kwarto para magkaroon sila ng oras para magusap. Nang matapos sila ay ako naman ang pumunta sa kwarto ni Papa. Nagkasalubong kami ni Leo.

“Pupunta ako kay Therese,” he said. “Magpapaalam ako na aalis muna ako.”

“San ka pupunta?”

“May alok na trabaho sa akin,” sabi niya. “Isang taon lang naman.”

“Okay. Good luck.”

“Babalik ako,” he said. “Mahal ko talaga iyong kapatid mo.”

“Okay,” I said. He loves her, I never doubted that. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit naiinggit sa akin si Therese dahil kung tutuusin, meron siya ng mga bagay na ang tagal bago ko nakuha. Bakit hindi niya makita ’yon?

He smiled at me. “Sana sa susunod na pagkikita natin, hindi na ganito.”

I just gave him a small smile because if things go according to my plan, hindi na kami magkikita. I plan to cut them all from my life aside from my father.

But as fate would have it, that night, after Leo told Therese that he’ll be leaving for a year, I received a text saying that my sister had a suicide attempt.

**

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Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Everyone in the family was worried.

Everyone was blaming me for what happened.

It was nothing surprising, really.

Kasi kapag may magandang nangyayari, hindi nila ako naaalala. Pero kapag may masamang nangyari na kahit kaunti lang ay pwedeng isisi sa akin? Sa akin talaga nila isisisi.

Been there, done that.

“Are you gonna visit?” Pablo asked.

It’s been a quiet night with him. Nang marinig ko iyong nangyari kay Therese, of course nagulat ako. But… I had no urge to visit her. I had no urge to go ask to talk to her. I was really just done with her shit.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked.

“Anything,” he replied as he tightened his hold on me. We were in bed and he was hugging me from behind. I could hear his steady breathing. I felt at home whenever his skin was touching mine. Kung pwede lang sana na ganito lang kami palagi.

“It’s pretty fucked up,” I said.

“I won’t judge.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said and planted a small kiss on my shoulder. “Do you want me to tell you something fucked up, too, so you’ll feel comfortable sharing?”

“Yes… but some other time?”

“Okay,” he said as I felt him nodding.

Hindi agad ako nagsalita. I felt bad for thinking this. I felt like I shouldn’t tell him this because I felt like I was an awful human being for even considering this.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he said.

I shook my head. I should tell him. I mean, if we’re in this for the long haul, he should accept me for who I am, right? Both the good and the bad? And maybe even the terrible parts of me?

“It’s just that…” I said as I held on to his hands. Takot ba ako na bitawan niya kapag sinabi ko na? Siguro. But I just needed to say this out loud. “I feel like Therese’s just doing this to stop us from… I don’t know… Potentially suing her. Hindi naman natin gagawin, pero hindi niya naman alam ’yon, ’di ba? Because thinking about it, she kept on pulling this kind of stunt growing up. Na tuwing may mangyayari sa aking maganda, bigla siyang magkakasakit o mag-aaksidente. I thought nothing about that before because more than anything, I was worried about her. But then… this again,” I said.

He didn’t say a word but I felt him caress my arm as if he was urging me to tell him my deepest, darkest thoughts and assuring me that by the end of it, he’d still be here.

“Because… if she really wants to kill herself… I mean… there are ways to make sure it’ll happen, right? And not just an attempt?”

God, I felt so bad for saying this out loud.

“But maybe I’m just thinking this because I really can’t trust her anymore.”

Silence engulfed us once again. A few seconds later, I felt Pablo kissing the back of my head. I turned to look at him and his eyes caught mine.

“Are you disappointed?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “Your thoughts are warranted.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “But maybe you should talk to your sister.”

“About what?”

“Everything,” he said. “After all, she’s in the hospital. She has nowhere to run. You can tell her everything once and for all.”

“I don’t think she’ll change.”

“It’s not for her,” he said, caressing my cheek with his thumb. “It’s for you. Just tell her everything and then be done with it. No contact after that. You’ll feel lighter.”

Tumingin ako sa mga mata niya. “You think so?”

He nodded. “I hope so,” sabi niya at dinampian ako ng halik sa labi. “I just don’t want you to carry this baggage your entire life. Just unload it once and for all.”

I stared into his eyes as I breathed okay.

“You’ll be fine,” sabi niya tapos ay hinatak ako papalapit pa lalo sa kanya at niyakap. “I’ll be outside in case you need backup.”

Natawa ako. “She’s literally on a hospital bed. I don’t think I’ll need a backup.”

“We’ll never know. Your family never fails to surprise me.”

Muli akong natawa. “Same,” I said and then we proceeded to talk about other things until we both fell asleep.

---

I woke up before the alarm. Dahil hindi na kami nakakain kagabi dahil sa pagdating ni Mama, I called the reception at saka pinainit iyong pagkain namin. Sayang naman kasi ni hindi pa namin nagagalaw ’yon. Kaya naman sakto na paggising ni Pablo ay naka-ready na iyong breakfast namin.

“Do we have microwave here?” he asked, a bit confused dahil siya iyong naglagay ng food sa ref.

Umiling ako. “No, pinainit ko lang,” I said. We began eating in silence. I love this about us. We can talk about difficult things, but we can also enjoy in silence. Ewan ko. I love talking to him, but I also love my silence. It was just so nice to finally found someone whom I can enjoy my silence with.

“I’ll go later,” I said while he was in the middle of eating.

“Do you want me to come?” he asked.

I nodded. “You’re my backup, right?”

Natawa siya. “Of course,” sabi niya. “But I’m hoping that I don’t have to be your backup. I don’t like confrontations if not necessary.”

Natawa naman ako. “I’m afraid that with my family, it’s a bit of a necessity,” I said and that earned me a bit of a laugh from him.

When we finished eating, naghanda na kami para pumunta sa ospital. Una kong pinuntahan si Papa kasi ’di ko alam kung ano ang magiging resulta ng paguusap namin ni Therese. Sa trackrecord naming dalawa, malamang sa malamang ay mabu-bwisit niya lang ako. Baka mawala ako sa mood para puntahan si Papa mamaya kaya naman inuna ko na siya.

“Bakit ka nandito?” tanong ni Mama nang makita niya ako nang buksan ko iyong pinto sa kwarto ni Therese sa psych ward. Nasa suicide watch na pala siya ngayon.

Tumingin ako kay Therese. She was looking at me, too. She looked like she lost a lot of weight. She looked pale. For a second, I felt bad for her, but I reminded myself that I was staring at Therese—iyong kapatid ko na kayang gawin lahat para lang makuha ang gusto niya.

She’s a mastermind and we’re all her captured audience.

“Can we talk?” I asked her.

“Hindi—”

“Okay, Ate…” mahinang sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin. Para bang hirap na hirap siya sa pagsasalita. I had to convince myself that this was all a ploy. This was Therese. Bakit ba magpapaloko na naman ako?

“Hindi—”

“Mama, sige na po…” sabi niya kaya walang nagawa si Mama kung hindi ang lumabas pero of course sinabihan niya ako na kapag may masamang nangyari kay Therese.

Nang magsara iyong pinto ay naiwan kaming dalawa. Napatingin ako sa table. Maraming prutas doon at may bulaklak pa. Samantalang si Papa, halos ako lang ang nagdadala. Sobrang unfair.

“Kamusta ka?”

Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. Ano ba ang unang sasabihin sa kapatid na nasa ganitong sitwasyon?

“Hindi ko alam.”

“Si Leo?”

“Iniwan na ako.”

“Hindi na siya babalik?” I asked because I didn’t want to tell her na nakapagusap kami bago siya umalis.

“Babalik daw… Pero bakit niya pa ako babalikan kung alam niya na ganito ako?” she asked and as if on cue, tears started to brim. God, it’s either she’s genuine with her emotions or she’s one hell of an actor!

“Ganito ka?” I asked back, wanting to hear it from her own mouth na alam niya kung gaano siya ka-toxic at ka-manipulative na tao.

She didn’t say a word immediately. Instead, she kept on trying to wipe the tears away.

“Idedemanda niyo ba talaga ako, Ate?” she asked.

Wow.

Straight to the point.

Why did I expect her to pour her heart out kung ito naman pala talaga iyong pakay niya? Ginawa niya lang yata talaga ’to para hindi na ituloy ni Pablo iyong bagay na hindi naman talaga niya gagawin.

Why did I keep on expecting something from her only to end up disappointed every fucking time?

“Hindi,” sabi ko dahil gaya ng sinabi ni Pablo, kailangan ko nang sabihin sa kanya lahat ngayon dahil huli na ’to. Ayaw ko na siyang makita pagkatapos nito.

“T-talaga, Ate?”

“Pero ayaw na kitang makita pagkatapos nito. Hindi mo na ako pupuntahan. Hindi mo na ako tatawagan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon ko lang ’to ginawa, pero pagod na pagod na ako sa ’yo, Therese. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang ginawa ko sa ’yo para ganituhin mo ako. Hindi ko na rin itatanong pa kung ano kasi ano pa ’yung sense? Wala na. Suko na ako sa ’yo. Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Magkanya-kanya na talaga tayo.”

Sunud-sunod iyong pagtulo ng luha niya. Pakiramdam ko ay anumang oras ay papasok si Mama at papagalitan ako dahil pinapaiyak ko iyong bunso niya. Sabagay, ano ba ang bago?

“Hindi mo talaga alam, Ate? Hindi mo alam na ikaw ’yong matalino? Na ikaw iyong paborito ni Papa—”

“Wag mo nga sa aking ibaling ’yang kasamaan ng ugali mo,” mabilis na sabi ko sa kanya. “Iyong talino ko, dahil ’yon nagsisipag ako sa pag-aaral. Iyong kay Papa, dahil ’yon halos hindi ako pansinin ni Mama. ’Di ba nga ikaw iyong paborito? Kung sa ibang pamilya, iyong bunso iyong nakakakuha ng pinaglumaan ng panganay pero sa atin, sa ’yo ’yung laging bago ang gamit.”

Na dati kapag nasa mall kami o palengke, kapag gusto ni Therese, bibilhin agad ni Mama. Kapag gusto ko, biglang wala na sa budget. Ang tagal na ganon lang kami. Na kapag nandyan lang si Papa at saka nakukuha ko iyong gusto ko. Kaso laging wala si Papa dahil sa trabaho. Kaya gustung-gusto ko kapag nandyan siya kasi doon lang may pumapansin sa akin.

“Ano? Ano pa isusumbat mo sa ’kin? Iyong trabaho ko sa Maynila? Iyong condo ko? Baka nalilimutan mo kung bakit ako napadpad sa Maynila. Kasi nilandi mo si Leo kahit alam mo na may gusto ako sa kanya dati. Nalilimutan mo na ba ’yon, Therese, ha? Na ilang beses nating pinagusapan na gusto ko siya pero ano ang ginawa mo? Nilandi mo pa rin. Kasi ganyan ka. Inggitera ka. Ayaw mo na masaya ako. Gusto mo kung ano ang meron ako, meron ka rin.”

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang umiiyak siya.

Akala ko gagaan iyong loob ko, pero hindi pala.

Kasi hindi naman nabura lahat nung nangyari dati.

Parang mas naging permanente lang na pagkatapos nito, wala na talaga. Kasi nasabi ko na. Kasi masakit iyong mga nasabi kong salita na hindi ko na pwedeng bawiin.

“Siguro dati naghihintay pa ako na baka magbago ka pa, na baka bata ka lang kasi… Pero itong ginawa mo sa amin ni Pablo? Parang wala na talaga akong aasahan sa ’yo.”

“Ate—”

Umiling ako. “Magbago ka o hindi, wala na akong pakielam kasi wala naman na ako sa tabi mo para makita ko. Seryoso ako. Ayaw na kitang makausap pagkatapos nito, Therese. Pero para sa ’yo na lang din… Magbago ka na. Hanggang may tao pa na nagmamahal sa ’yo.”

Kasi nandyan pa si Mama, si Papa, si Leo. Masyado siyang busy na tignan kung ano ang meron ako na nalimutan niya kung ano ang meron siya.

Tinignan ko siya sa huling pagkakataon.

Ni hindi na ako nagpaalam.

Pero ito na ’yon—huli na talaga.

Paglabas ko ay agad kong nakita si Mama na nagaabang sa akin. Bago pa man siya makapagsalita ng masakit ay inunahan ko na siya.

“Wag kang mag-alala, Ma, hindi mo na rin ako makikita kapag gumaling na si Papa. Para hindi ka na nagagalit sa akin. Para hindi ka na naha-highblood o nadidisappoint o kung anuman,” sabi ko habang nakatingin nang diretso sa kanya. “Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit parang galit ka sa akin pero ayoko na rin malaman. Basta mag-iingat kayo lagi at kahit ’di na tayo magkikita, pagdadasal ko pa rin kayo ni Therese na sana maging maayos at masaya kayo.”

Naglakad ako papunta kay Pablo. He didn’t say a word, but he reached for my hand.

And just like that, I knew that I’d be fine. 

**

This story is already completed on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 31

Chapter 31

“Are you really sure about this?” Pablo asked.

“Yeah,” I replied as I was making the last minute decision about which of my clothes will make the final cut. I mean, pwede ko naman silang dalhin, but then again ayoko na magdala nang marami. Been there, done that. It’s such a pain na magtravel na maraming dalang gamit. But the downside ay kapag may kailangan ka tapos biglang hindi mo pala dala.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. “Why?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Okay…” sabi ko habang nakatingin sa kanya.

It had been a year since the day I talked to Therese and decided to cut all ties with her and my family.

And what a year it had been.

Nakalabas si Papa sa hospital. I asked him what he wanted to happen kasi syempre iyong gusto niya naman iyong pinaka-importante. Kasi kung ako lang ang masusunod, I would bring him with me to Manila at doon niya na lang gawin iyong therapy niya at kung anuman iyong kailangan niya medically speaking. But of course hindi ko naman siya masisisi na gusto niya na sa Bataan mag-stay. So, he did. I just go pick him up every other weekend and we’d do the things on his list.

And one of my biggest regret in life was not making it an every weekend thing… because we didn’t get to finish his list. He was the one who convinced me na ’wag na kada linggo dahil nakita niya ako isang beses na nase-stress sa deadlines. I was hesitant, but I agreed with him. Syempre kailangan ko rin ng pera para sa mga gagastusin namin sa lakad namin.

Ngayon ko lang na-realize na totoo iyong sinabi nila na iyong pera, mababawi mo. Pero iyong oras? Sa oras na lumipas na siya, wala ka nang magagawa pa para bawiin ’yon kasi tapos na.

Wala lang.

Nakakahinayang.

“Why?” I asked Pablo. “Did you change your mind?”

“No,” mabilis na sagot niya.

“Okay… You’re acting weird,” I replied. Natawa siya tapos lumapit sa akin at niyakap ako mula sa likuran ko. “Ano nga kasi?”

“Nothing,” he said and then planted a kiss on top of my head.

“Do you want to get married here na lang?” tanong ko sa kanya.

I have met his family and they’re very lowkey and very chill. Medyo nanibago nga ako nung una akong pinakilala ni Pablo sa kanila kasi wala silang comment tungkol sa timbang ko, sa edad ko, sa kung magpapakasal na ba ako, sa kung magkakaanak pa ba ako.

It was… weird.

Siguro kasi nasanay na ako na kapag sinabi na ‘pamilya,’ automatic na may unwarranted comment na ’yan sa bawat aspeto ng buhay mo. Kaya nga ayaw na ayaw kong umaattend ng reunion kasi goal ata nila ipoint out lahat ng pakiramdam nila ay mali sa buhay ko.

“Did your family say something?” I asked kasi baka naman biglang nagbago iyong isip nila at gusto na nilang umattend sa kasal. We told them about our plan to get civilly married here and then married again abroad tapos diretso honeymoon na. Akala ko sasabihin nila na rito na lang sa Pinas para makaattend sila, pero wala akong narinig na ganon. Kung saan daw kami masaya, sige lang. Sobrang nakakapanibago. Pwede pala iyong supportive na pamilya. Ganon pala ang feeling. Akala ko puro sama ng loob lang pwede kong makuha, e.

“No,” he replied.

“Okay… Then why are you being weird?”

“Your sister contacted me.”

Agad akong napatigil sa ginagawa ko at napatingin sa kanya. Agad na kumunot ang noo ko.

“And you told her to get lost, right?” I asked kasi hindi naman joke iyong sinabi ko sa kanya before na tapos na ako sa kanya. Mas lalo na ngayon na wala na si Papa. Mas wala na akong dahilan para bumalik pa ng Bataan at para makita pa siya.

Hindi sumagot si Pablo.

I gave him a disappointed look.

“I wanted to,” sabi niya. “I really tried to, but it seemed like she’s changed already.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s how she operates,” sabi ko sa kanya. Hindi ako makapaniwala na pati si Pablo ay mabibiktima ng kapatid ko. Pambihira. It must be some kind of super power.

Tumalikod ako dahil naiirita ako kay Pablo ngayon. Alam naman niya kung ano iyong history namin ng kapatid ko tapos biglang ganito rin siya ngayon. Akala ko safe na dahil one year na akong walang naririnig mula sa kapatid ko tapos biglang ito na naman. Parang back from the beginning.

“Are you mad?” tanong niya habang biglang nakayakap na mula sa likuran ko. He was tightening the hug. I was just standing there, doing nothing, saying nothing.

“No.”

“Disappointed?”

“Yes.”

“Because I talked to your sister?”

“No,” I said. “Because I think you gave her the impression that I am willing to talk to her and you clearly know my position in this matter.”

Imbes na magsalita ay mas lalo niya lang hinigpitan ang yakap sa akin at saka hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo ko.

“Okay,” he replied. “I’m sorry. If she ever contacts me again, I’ll make it clear that no talk’s gonna happen.”

Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita.

“Are we now good?”

He made me face him.

It’s so hard to be mad when he looked like that!

“Cerise?” he called my name in such a way na parang gusto ko na lang siyang itulak sa kama at magpractice na lang kami gumawa ng baby. Lecheng mukha ’yan!

“Yeah, we’re good,” I said, rolling my eyes dahil sa itsura niya pa lang, tapos na ang laban.

“Wedding’s still on?”

“Well, the flights and hotels are nonrefundable.”

Humalakhak siya. “Really? Those are the only reason?”

I arched my brow. “Ano pa ba?”

He smugly shrugged. “Because… you love me? And can’t wait to marry me?”

Muli akong umirap. “I think that’s supposed to be my line.”

He laughed and then cupped my face and kissed me on the lips. “Yes, you’re right,” he said. “I do love you and I can’t wait to marry you.”

I wrinkled my nose. It’s not the first time that he told me he loved me, but the effect was just the same. I was really glad I waited for him to come into my life. I was glad that after Leo, I didn’t rush into doing anything too serious just because I felt like time was running out. Kasi kung nakinig ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko at napressure na maghanap ng boyfriend dahil mapapagiwanan na daw ako ng panahon, I would have missed out on someone great.

I would have missed out on the love of my life.

So, I was glad that I waited.

I was glad that I focused on work and just held on to the hope that maybe… just maybe… when the time is right, the right guy will come along.

And I was glad that I was right.

Because truth be told, he came at the perfect time.

---

Three days before the flight, naka-leave na ako from work. Tapos na ako sa mga dadalhin kong gamit. Nasa mall ako ngayon to buy some last minute stuff para matanggal na ’to sa to do list ko. Nasa bar si Pablo at may inaasikaso dahil two weeks din kaming mawawala.

I was in the middle of choosing which lingerie to buy para sa honeymoon namin ni Pablo nang mapahugot ako ng malalim na hininga nang makita ko kung sino ang nasa harapan ko.

“Hindi ko lang alam kung paano ka makakausap, Ate…” sabi niya. “Sabi ni Kuya Pablo na ayaw mo akong makausap…”

Nasaan iyong sales lady na laging nakabuntot sa ’yo kapag kailangan mo siya? Bakit parang kaming dalawa lang ang tao rito sa tindahan na ’to?

Hindi ako nagsalita.

After all these years, I have learned that Therese didn’t listen to me not because she doesn’t want to but because she didn’t respect me. Kasi kung may respeto siya sa akin, kahit papaano, susundin niya iyong gusto kong mangyari.

Hawak niya ang mga kamay niya. Nakatingin siya sa akin. Bakas iyong kaba sa mukha niya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakatayo lang ako doon kahit alam ko na pwede naman akong umalis na. Pwede akong umiwas kagaya ng ginawa ko nitong nakaraang taon.

But… I was tired.

“Kahit ako na lang iyong magsalita, Ate. Kahit makinig ka na lang. Kahit iyon lang,” mahinang sambit niya. Kita ko iyong lalim ng paghinga niya. “Six months ago, nagsimula akong umattend ng therapy, Ate… Ayaw ni Mama pumayag kasi sabi niya para lang daw sa mga baliw ’yon. Pati mga kamaganak natin iniisip na baliw na ako… Pero pinilit ko kasi sabi ni Leo hindi siya babalik hanggang hindi ko tinutulungan iyong sarili ko. Kasi sabi niya ako lang daw iyong makakatulong sa sarili ko,” dugtong niya habang unti-unting nagtutubig ang mga mata niya. “Ayoko rin nung una kasi… bakit ako magpapa-therapy? May mali ba sa akin? Wala naman… Pakiramdam ko ikaw iyong kontrabida sa kwento ko. Ikaw iyong matalino. Ikaw iyong mabait. Ikaw iyong successful. Ikaw lahat. Hindi kita sinisisi, Ate, pero tuwing may salu-salo sa atin, ikaw iyong laging usapan kasi iyong iyong may magandang trabaho, nakakasama mo iyong mga sikat na tao. Nasa ’yo ’yung buhay na gusto ko…

“Galit ako sa ’yo, Ate. Naiinggit ako. Gusto kong sabihin na hindi na ako galit, pero magsisinungaling ako kapag sinabi ko na hindi… Kasi pakiramdam ko wala na akong kasama. Galit sa akin si Mama. Galit sa akin si Leo. Wala na si Papa. Wala na akong kasama…”

Mabilis iyong pagtulo ng mga luha niya—kasing bilis ng pagpunas niya sa mga iyon.

“Pero sana mawala rin ’to… Kasi gusto ko ring maging masaya… Iyong totoo… Kasi nakakapagod mainggit sa kung ano iyong meron ang iba… Kasi alam ko na ma-swerte rin ako… Na kailangan kong mahalin kung ano iyong meron ako hanggang nandyan pa sila… Hanggang hindi pa nila ako tuluyang sinusukuan…”

Huminga siya nang malalim at muling pinunasan iyong luha niya.

“Salamat sa pakikinig, Ate…” sabi niya at tipid na ngumiti sa akin. “Alam ko ang selfish na pinilit kitang makinig sa akin pero gusto ko lang kasi na malaman mo na sinusubukan ko namang magbago… Na sana sa future… maging okay tayo… kahit papano… na alam ko na hindi na mababalik iyong gaya nung dati pero sana kahit magkasalubong tayo, tignan mo man lang ako—hindi iyong parang hindi tayo magkakilala…”

Nakatingin siya sa akin at muling ngumiti.

“Hindi na kita aabalahin pa lalo, Ate… Salamat ulit… Ingat kayo ni Kuya Pablo palagi…” sabi niya bago naglakad paalis.

I hated that I didn’t want to call after her. Because she seemed genuine in her apologies. Kaya siguro nahirapan si Pablo na hindian siya nung pinuntahan siya ni Therese.

But that’s the thing with apologies—it should be given without any expectation of being forgiven. Kasi hindi naman ikaw iyong nasaktan. Hindi mo pwedeng diktahan kung kailan at paano ka papatawarin ng taong nasaktan mo.

And maybe she’s right.

Maybe one day we’ll be fine.

But for now, the wound’s still healing. 

**

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Epilogue

Thank you for reading! I hope you had fun reading Cerise and Pablo’s story :)

Epilogue

“I like the one with the huge closet!” sabi ko kay Pablo.

“I know, I know, but the one with the huge kitchen,” sagot niya naman. “Imagine all the things we can do there.”

“We have a bed.”

Napaawang ang labi niya tapos natawa. “I mean cooking,” he said, laughing. “But I like where your head’s at,” he continued as he pulled me in and planted a kiss on my lips.

I rolled my eyes at him. “We need to make a decision by the end of the week,” I told him. “Besides, dapat nga ikaw iyong mas gusto nung mas malaking closet. You have more things than me!”

He shrugged. “I’m actually planning on donating most of my clothes. I mean, how many suit can a man really own?” sabi niya tapos nagusap kami kung saan niya pwedeng i-donate iyong mga damit niya. I remembered hearing about donating formal clothes para sa mga tao na gustong mag-apply ng trabaho pero walang masuot. Minsan kasi kailangan ng formal clothes for job interview. I told Pablo about that and he readily agreed to donate. I felt inspired, so baka this weekend e mag-ayos na rin ako ng gamit na pwede kong i-donate.

I love this.

I love how despite being imperfect individuals, we’re inspiring each other to be better.

“Do you have plans today?” I asked.

He paused for a while and said, “Not much. I’ll just have to go to the bar later to check on things. Why?”

“Wanna visit the houses again? So we can make a decision?”

Natawa siya. “You really want to make a decision?”

I nodded. “Yes,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Don’t get me wrong—I love your place, but I’m excited to move to a house.”

We did a small ceremony in Rome, stayed there for three days, then flew to Greece for our honeymoon. Nasayangan nga ako sa pag-stay namin doon kasi halos hindi naman kami lumabas sa hotel room namin! I mean, I knew that Pablo loves sex as much as the next guy, but damn, he was insatiable during our honeymoon! I actually lost weight because of all the sex we did.

Truly, cardio in bed is the best cardio.

100% would recommend.

Pagkatapos ng honeymoon namin, bumalik na kami sa Pilipinas. Dahil ’di hamak na mas malaki iyong condo niya sa condo ko, it made sense for us to live there. Besides, halos nandoon na rin naman iyong gamit ko. I just had to sell some of my furniture and appliance because I didn’t want to change anything about Pablo’s condo. What can I say? My husband has impeccable taste—both in furniture and in woman.

We were comfortable in our condo, but ewan ko… For some reason, we felt like we needed to move to a house. No particular reason other than it felt like it was the next step.

We weren’t trying for kids, god no.

I was busy with my career.

Pablo works mainly at night.

It just didn’t feel right to include kids in the equation. And we didn’t need kids to feel like a family because we are family. Kaming dalawa. We got each other’s back. Having a kid would not change that.

“Okay,” he said. “Do you really like the one with the huge closet space?”

I nodded. “Very much so.”

“Okay. Let’s contact the broker and make an offer.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Really?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“I thought gusto mo iyong may malaking kitchen?”

He shrugged. “It’s fine. As they say, happy wife, happy life. “

Natawa ako. “Saan mo na naman narinig ’yan?”

“Some guy,” he replied.

“Are you sure about this? Ayoko na isang araw isumbat mo sa ’kin ’to,” I said, kidding kasi never naman nanumbat si Pablo sa akin. I actually love the fact that we got together when we’re older. Mas mature na kami. Or ewan ko. Siguro wala na kaming energy sa mga sigawan. Kalmado lang kaming dalawa—at least most of the time. And we both know that it’s us against the problem; not him against me.

He nodded as he placed a light kiss on my lips. “I’m sure,” he said. “Remember when we got married, I promised you that I will try my hardest to give you everything you want?” he asked and I just stared into his eyes and let myself get lost in them. “This is part of the deal.”

I bit my lower lip. “Thank you…”

He smiled as he tuck a portion of my hair behind my ear. “You’re always welcome,” he said as he cupped my face and kissed me yet again.

---

I really felt bad na nag-give in si Pablo para makuha ko iyong huge closet space ko kaya naman sinabi ko sa broker na kailangan namin ng bahay na both malaki iyong kitchen and closet space. Until then, no deal would be signed. Besides, okay naman iyong condo. We’d just stay there until we find a home that we both love.

We’re married.

It’s us, not just me.

“Do you really want the baked salmon?” Pablo asked.

“Why?”

“Weirdly, there’s no salmon here,” he replied. “We can go to a different store.”

I just got promoted and promotion meant more work. Pablo also opened another bar, so he’s busy with that. Despite that, we made sure that Saturday nights are for us. We’d cook meals together—or more like him as I watch him while drinking my wine. Tapos we’d watch a movie—or try, really, because we both know that we’d end up making out on the couch.

“Let’s just cook something else,” sabi ko kasi Saturday ngayon and the traffic would be horrendous.

We were in the middle of deciding kung ano ang lulutuin namin nang mapahinto si Pablo. Napahinto rin tuloy ako. Nakatingin siya sa harapan niya kaya napatingin din ako roon. Napakunot ang noo ko. The woman seemed familiar.

“Rory,” I uttered when I finally realized why she looked so familiar. Of course I knew what she looked like! She’s the one who gave Pablo trust issues. Of course I stalked her. ’Di ba normal naman ’yon?

“Fuck,” I continued.

Napakunot iyong noo ni Rory kasama iyong asawa niya na si Ysmael Agosto. I hate that I know everything about them! At least everything na available publicly online. Once in a while kasi, inuupdate ko iyong sarili ko sa kanila. It’s one of my guilty pleasures in life na never ko sinabi kay Pablo kasi weird lang na iniistalk ko iyong ex niya kahit kasal na kaming dalawa. Bakit ba? Curious ako, e.

“Sorry,” I said.

Wala bang magsasalita sa kanila para matigil na ako sa pagpapahiya sa sarili ko? Anyone?

“Hi,” Ysmael said, offering his hand to me. “Yago,” he said.

Oh, so I can call him Yago? I mean, of course I know that that’s how his friends call him pero hindi naman kami friends para itawag ko sa kanya iyon.

“Hi,” I replied. “Cerise.”

“Nice to meet you,” he told me. Tumingin siya kay Pablo tapos biglang naging masungit iyong dating niya. “Pablo,” he said. Iyon lang ang sinabi niya na may maliit na tango. Pablo just gave him an equally small nod. What the heck? Magkaaway ba sila? I mean… until now?

“Hi,” sabi ni Rory. “I’m Rory.”

“Hi,” I replied. “Cerise.”

She didn’t introduce herself as Pablo’s ex, so I didn’t introduce myself as Pablo’s wife. Besides, I am my own person. I don’t need to introduce myself as someone’s wife. ’Di naman ako threatened kay Rory. I mean, before siguro, oo, but now? I’m safe and secured.

“Long time, no see,” sabi ni Rory kay Pablo.

“Yeah,” tipid na sabi ng asawa ko.

Awkward silence.

“Dito kayo namimili?” Yago asked me.

I nodded. “Sometimes,” I replied. “Bakit? Iiwasan niyo na ’tong lugar na ’to?” I asked… and I probably sounded sarcastic while saying that dahil mukhang nagulat si Yago and Rory sa sinabi ko. Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Oh, gosh. I’m so sorry. I was kidding. Of course you can go here. We don’t own this place,” dire-diretsong sabi ko dahil parang ang sama ng ugali ko doon sa una kong sinabi.

Natawa si Yago.

“Oh. I was beginning to backtrack the conversation if I said something,” sabi niya.

“I mean, we just said hi, hello really.”

It was probably weird for Rory and Pablo dahil kaming dalawa ni Yago iyong naguusap. It was just easy to talk to him dahil ang daldal niya. For some reason, we agreed to have them over for dinner some time.

“Was it weird for you?” I asked Pablo.

“What?”

“Having them over for dinner?”

“Not really,” sabi ni Pablo. “Why?”

I shrugged. “I mean… she’s your ex, right? The reason why you kind of ditched me before?”

He rolled his eyes. “I did not ditch you,” he said like he was tired of having this conversation again. Tinawanan ko siya. “And clearly, we ended because I am meant to end up with you,” he continued while reaching for my hand and holding it ever so tightly.

I wrinkled my nose dahil kinilig ako doon. Bwisit na ’to.

“Whatever,” I said.

Natawa siya. “But yeah… kinda weird that we’re having them over for dinner.”

“Really? Yago seems nice.”

“He is.”

“Then bakit parang magpapatayan kayo sa tingin kanina?”

He shrugged. “I overheard him calling me ‘ancient’ and ‘dinosaur’ way back,” he said. “I was older by only a few years. He was acting like I could be his dad.”

Natawa ako. “What? Why? What’s the context?”

And we talked about what happened before and how Yago was jealous of him. It was pretty entertaining! I love the fact that we’re able to talk about this without any jealousy or negative feelings. Wala lang. Kwento lang. Ang saya na secured kami sa relasyon namin na napapagusapan namin iyong ganitong bagay.

Dahil sa chismisan namin, hindi kami nakapagdecide ng kung ano iyong lulutuin namin. We just agreed to get a takeout from a restaurant. Habang naglalakad kami, bahagya akong natigilan nang makita ko si Therese. I was looking at her when she saw me. We were staring at each other as our paths neared. She was just looking at me.

And when she was about to avert her gaze, I gave her a small nod. Nakita ko iyong pagkagulat sa mukha niya, pero hindi siya tumigil sa paglalakad at dire-diretso lang.

“What was that?” Pablo asked. He never asked me about Therese or family after Therese went to him before. I told him I never want to talk about that anymore and he respected my wishes.

I shrugged.

I actually didn’t know what that was.

I thought I was gonna pretend that I didn’t see him.

I was surprised that I nodded at her.

Maybe… maybe in the future we can talk again.

Maybe.

“Do we have chicken at home?”

“Yes.”

“Potato?”

“We have a lot.”

“Great. Can we do roast chicken and roast potato?”

“Of course.”

We went back to the condo and he began cooking while I sat there, watching him while I drink my wine. I watched as he moved around the kitchen. I watched as his muscles flexed as he began cooking.

God, I love a man who can cook.

“What?” he asked when he caught me staring.

“Nothing,” I said as I gently smiled and shook my head. “You look hot when you cook,” I continued that made him blush. “So hot, babe,” I added that made him put down the knife, walked up to me, and kissed me while the chicken was roasting in the oven.

God, I love my life.