About The Story

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Do not distribute without the permit of the author.

**

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Beginning

#ABNQ Beginning

Alam mo ’yung rule na dapat kapag friends, friends lang? Dapat talaga sinunod ko ’yun.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” Steel said. I almost wanted to hurl at the statement he just gave me.

I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. This felt too raw. He was my first boyfriend. He was the first guy that I risked everything for. Na kahit sinabi ng lahat ng tao sa paligid ko na ’wag, tinuloy ko pa rin. Kasi mahal ko. Tapos ano? Ito lang ang makukuha ko? Iyong walang kwentang reason niya na It’s not you, It’s me?

“Can’t you even come up with a more believable reason?” I asked him, my lips quivering and my tears threatening to fall.

“But it’s the truth, Joey. It’s me. I’m the problem.”

“Ano ba ’yung problema? Baka pwede mong sabihin sa akin para alam ko,” sabi ko sa kanya. I sounded like I was begging… maybe I was. I just didn’t want us to end this way. This abruptly. Not when he couldn’t even give me a good reason why.

“I’m sorry,” he said and then left me.

And so I sat there, unable to think about anything.

---

Sabi nila, three months rule. Pero bakit nandito si Steele at may pinapakilala na babae sa mga kaibigan namin?

“Guys, meet Andrea,” he said. Our friends said hi to Andrea. Ako? Napatigil sa paglalakad. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do!

“Hey, you okay?” Psalm asked me.

“Y-yeah,” I replied, my eyes still on Steele and his new girlfriend.

“Sure? You look pale, Jo,” he said.

I tried to smile, but my smile must have come off horridly dahil mas lalong hindi niya ako tinigilan.

“Are you staying here?” he asked.

“A-ah,” I said, internally panicking. I couldn’t just go there and meet my ex’s new girlfriend! Hindi ko kabisado ang rules, pero alam ko na hindi ko dapat gawin iyon!

“Come on, Steele’s introducing his girl,” Psalm urged. I stayed at my place. “Is there a problem, Jo?” he asked, sounding worried this time.

“W-wala, noh,” I said and then started to walk. My mind was telling me to be strong. Two months na kaming break ni Steele. Two months na akong umiiyak. Two months na akong nagpapanggap na okay sa harap ng mga kaibigan namin. Two months na akong parang tanga habang nakikinig sa mga kwento nila tungkol kay Steele. And it hurt even more dahil ni hindi ko masabi na ’wag na silang magkwento. Dahil sino ba ang tanga na pumayag na maging secret on?

Bakit ba hindi ako nakinig sa mga kaibigan ko nang sinabi nila na maling idea ang gawing boyfriend ang kaibigan? Lalo na at nasa iisang barkada kami?

Ni wala akong support group nang maghiwalay kami! Mag-isa kong iniyak lahat! Mag-isa kong inubos ang lahat ng ice cream!

“Then let’s go,” Psalm said and then draped his arm over my shoulders. Diretso kaming naglakad hanggang sa makarating kami sa table. Nag-uusap si Steele pati ang mga kaibigan namin. Their laughter sounded like dying whale sound in my ears.

“Is this the girl?” Psalm asked nang makarating kami.

“Yeah,” Steele said, his stupid face smiling. Nawala ang ngiti niya nang makita niya ako. “Joey,” he said.

“Girlfriend mo?” tanong ko at saka tinignan iyong Andrea na kausap si Mich.

“Can we talk outside?” tanong ni Steele. Nauna akong lumabas at saka sumunod si Steele. I stared at him. “I’m sorry, Joey. I didn’t know you’d be here,” he apologetically said na parang iyon ang dapat niyang ipagsorry.

“Why? Kasi akala mo nasa bahay pa rin ako at nagmumukmok dahil sa ’yo?” I bravely said.

Natigilan siya. “I’m sorry,” he repeated like those words still meant something.

“Ni hindi man lang umabot ng three months, Steele? May bagong girlfriend ka na agad?”

Hindi siya makasagot. Couldn’t he even feed me one more lie para gumaan ang sarili ko?

I started laughing. Nakakaawa ang sarili ko. Ako, umiiyak dahil sa kanya… tapos siya, may bago na agad. Bakit ba ang dali para sa kanya na palitan ako? Pagkatapos ng lahat? I lied to our friends because of him! I let him keep me a secret! Tapos ipaparada niya iyong bago niyang babae?!

God, I wanted to stab his stupid face and feed it to the dogs!

“I’m so sorry, Joey. Aalis na kami ni Andrea.”

Yeah. Like that would make me feel better.

“Minahal mo man lang ba ako, Steele?” I asked him before he got away from me again.

“Yes.”

“Pero hindi sapat para ipakilala mo ako bilang girlfriend?”

I sat there and waited for an answer… but I got none. Sabi nila, silence means yes… pero pwede bang kahit ngayon lang, maging silence means no?

Chapter 01

#ABNQ01 Chapter 01

I was contemplating on probably the hardest decision of my life.

“So?” tanong sa akin nung haircutter… or whatever they’re called.

I sighed. “Do you think I’ll look good in Bob?” I asked. Here I was, asking strangers for advice. Wala na kasi akong mahingan ng tulong! Steele introduced his new girlfriend to the group, and they all seemed to like her. I mean, she’s very likeable, and it’s infuriating me! Wala tuloy akong reason na magalit sa kanya!

Steele could’ve done me a favor, and should’ve chosen someone I could hate! He’s making it harder for me to be the bitter ex!

“Bakit ka ba magpapa-gupit?” she asked, touching my hair. “Healthy naman ’yung buhok mo. Hair spa na lang natin, you want?”

I sighed.

Again.

“Sabi sa article na nabasa ko, first step in moving on daw ay magpa-gupit,” I said, then sighed. “Chop it off.”

The lady shrugged. I closed my eyes, and felt shivers as the cold scissors touched my nape.

---

“Did you lose in a bet?” Psalm asked, obviously not trying to stop himself from laughing. His face was all red.

I glared at him. “Wow, thanks, ha.”

Nagsimula na akong maglakad, at sinabayan niya ako. Ayoko talaga ng kausap ngayon kasi ano bang sense? ’Di ko rin naman masasabi sa kanya kung ano talaga ang gusto kong pag-usapan kasi ’di ba?

Sino ba ang tanga na nagpaka-tanga kay despite all warnings? Ako.

Sino ba pumayag na maging secret girlfriend? Ako.

Sino ba naniwala na it’s better if we keep the relationship a secret? Ako.

Ako ’tong nagpakatanga, so I guess it’s fair if I go through this mess alone. After all, I managed to survive 18 years without Steele in my life. Without his corny jokes, his stupid face, his annoying smile, his warm hugs.

I could manage… I think.

“Seriously, Jo? What the fuck?”

“Sumbong kita kay Tita Anna, gusto mo? Mga lumalabas d’yan sa bibig mo,” sabi ko sa kanya. Kapag kasama niya family niya, akala mo kung sinong santo ’tong lalaki na ’to. Kapag naman kaibigan niya, lumalabas lahat ng kasamaan niya.

The duality of Psalm Christian S. Gomez de Liaño.

“You shocked me!” he said. “What came inside that thick skull of yours?” tanong niya pa rin. Ang kulit!

“Mainit,” I simply said.

“Nah,” he replied. “When we went to Ilocos, you couldn’t be bothered by the heat,” he continued. “So, did you lose a bet or something?”

I began to think of a reason good enough to shut him up nang biglang dumating si Steele. My heart began to fucking ache again, and I hated it. I hated how much control he had over me. I hated how it’s been months since he called it quits, yet it still freaking hurt so bad.

Why couldn’t I just move on?

Wala bang switch ’to?

Bakit ang sakit pa rin?

“Hey… Joey,” Steele said.

“Still good for later?” Psalm asked Steele. Steele nodded.

“Ah, alis na ko,” I said, quickly excusing myself as being in the same space as Steele was making my chest tighten. My heart was hurting. My eyes were watering. And I didn’t want to break down in front of Psalm.

He knew nothing about this.

No one knew anything about us.

Kasi ako ’yung tanga na pumayag na maging sikreto. Kasi akala ko tama. Kasi akala ko may dahilan naman siya. Pero bakit nung iba na, nagawa niyang ipakilala? Ano ’yung wala sa ’kin?

Bakit nung ako, hindi niya kaya?

“I’m not yet done with you, Jo!” Psalm shouted before me… before tears began to fall.

Patuloy akong naglakad hanggang sa makarating ako sa CR. I stared at my face. Patuloy lang sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko. Ni hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko kasi… naaawa ako sa sarili ko.

Bakit ko hinayaan na magkaganito?

Bakit ko siya pinayagan na gawin sa ’kin ’to?

Didn’t I love myself enough to ask for what I actually deserve?

Why did I let him treat me like shit and make me feel like shit?

I began to hit my chest.

“Tama na, Jo,” sabi ko sa sarili ko habang patuloy na tumutulo ang mga luha ko. “Lalaki lang ’yan. Matatapos ’din ’to.”

I kept on telling lies to myself.

Maybe hoping that one day, the pain would… end.

---

It was a Thursday. And if I’d be ask to rank the things I currently hate, Thursday would make it to the top of the list—and that says a lot because I kind of hate many things as of the moment.

“You’re so grumpy lately,” Psalm said.

“And you’re annoying as usual,” I replied. Thankfully, hindi kami magkatabi ni Steele kasi sabi niya dati, baka maging obvious na may something sa amin kapag magkatabi kami sa class. It worked for me dahil kung katabi ko rin siya sa class, baka magpakalbo na ako instead of gupit lang.

“Did I do something? Are you mad at me?” Psalm asked.

“Wala. Just shut up, please,” I snapped at him dahil kakadating lang ni Steele sa classroom. He was a bit late because he drove his girlfriend to the other side of Metro Manila. Sa Taft pa nag-aaral iyong si Andrea, pero kaya niyang ipagdrive! Samantalang nung kami pa, kahit sa Congressional lang naman ako, ’di pa niya ako mahatid!

At bakit ko alam lahat ng ’to? Because my stupid friends kept on teasing Steele because he’s being such a good boyfriend!

I was seriously gonna stab someone with my pen.

And it’s gonna be this brocolli personified sitting beside me kapag hindi siya tumigil sa kaka-kulit sa akin.

“Ugh! Wala ka ngang nagawa!” sabi ko kay Psalm nung kanina pa niya ako sinusundut-sundot. Nasaan ba kasi iyong professor namin? Bakit ba kami nagbabayad ng tuition kung palagi niya lang kaming iiwan?!

“Is it the time of the month?” he asked.

Kinuha ko iyong pen ko at saka umarte na sasaksakin ko siya. Talaga. Nakaka-inis! Ang kulit! Saan ba nagmana ’to? Siya lang talaga naiiba sa kanilang magkakapatid! Kung hindi lang siya kasing tangkad at kasing buhok ng mga kapatid niya, iisipin ko talaga na napalit ’to sa ospital, e.

Thankfully, the prof returned, so Psalm had no choice but to stay silent. He couldn’t risk irking the prof because even though if he’s the captain of the basketball team, he’s not exempted from the grade requirement.

“What are we gonna eat?” Kitty asked.

“Wait lang, may sasabihin yata si Steele,” Anj said.

I began to walk faster because I had a feeling that this had something to do with his girlfriend. And I didn’t know if I had enough strength to pretend that everything’s all right.

That I was fine.

Because I wasn’t.

“Jo!”

I walked faster.

“Joey!”

I walked fastest.

“Jocelyn Yuchengco!”

Ugh! He knew I didn’t like my name! Bakit ba niya nakita pa kasi iyong ID ko?!

I tried to walk faster, but he’s got longer legs than me kaya naabutan niya rin ako. Huminto siya sa harapan ko kaya wala akong nagawa kung hindi tingalain siya.

“What?” I asked, trying to act nonchalant.

“Steele’s gonna say something. Bakit umalis ka agad?” he asked.

“Ah… may gagawin akong project,” I lied. I really didn’t want to stay and listen to whatever Steele had to say. Wala pa man, alam ko na masasaktan lang ako sa sasabihin niya.

Alam ko kasalanan ko naman kung bakit nandito ako. But was it so wrong to protect myself from further hurting? Ang sakit na kasi. Ayoko na masaktan. Gusto ko na lang umiwas.

Sobrang mali ba nun?

I didn’t want to feel pain anymore.

I was afraid to get hurt so bad that it would scar me for life.

I didn’t want to ruin love… because as much as it hurt right now, I knew that I’d fall in love again. And I didn’t want to be so hurt that I wouldn’t be able to give anything anymore.

So I wanted to protect myself.

Kahit konti lang.

“We’re classmates. We have no projects,” Psalm said, staring into my eyes.

“It’s for extra-curricular,” I replied.

Psalm didn’t buy my reason. I felt like shit trying to hide this from him, but Psalm’s very protective of me. He may annoy me all the time, but I knew that if someone hurts me, he’d want to know.

And I didn’t want to cause drift in his friendship with Steele. They go way back. I didn’t want to ruin that.

Okay na siguro na ako na lang ’yung masaktan.

“Hey,” Psalm said, his tone much gentler. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

I smiled. A little. “Yeah.”

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready,” he said, tousling my hair. “I’ll just update you,” he continued.

“Thank you,” I said. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to handle another minute of Steele talking about his girlfriend. I couldn’t tell that to him. I couldn’t even talk to him. I couldn’t look at him.

It still hurt. A lot.

So, sue me if all I wanted to do was to run away.

“No prob,” Psalm said, winking before he began to jog away.

Mabilis akong dumiretso sa bahay pagkatapos kong kausapin si Psalm. I turned my phone off because I didn’t want to read any news about Steele. I didn’t even attempt to go online because I was pretty sure they’d talk about that in the group message.

Sometimes, I was tempted to just cut them out altogether… but I felt guilty. Kasi bakit ko sila idadamay? Wala naman silang kasalanan? Ilang beses nilang sinabi na ’wag sa barkada kasi nakakasira ng pagkakaibigan.

Ako ’yung ’di nakinig.

Kaya bakit ko sila idadamay?

Iniisip ko na lang na isang araw magiging ayos din ako.

Na isang araw, matatawa na lang ako sa lahat ng kagagahan na ginawa ko para sa isang lalaki.

Pero hanggang hindi pa dumadating iyong isang araw na ’yun, tahimik muna akong magdudusa.

---

Kinabukasan, nagulat ako dahil nasa labas ng bahay namin si Psalm.

“So… ano’ng nangyayari?” I asked as I sat on the passenger’s seat. I’d never been in Psalm’s car because first, may driver ako. Second, bakit ako sasakay sa sasakyan niya? It gave me the creeps knowing that he had guards following him. Imbis na feeling safe, mas feeling ko e bigla na lang kaming aambushin kasi bakit kailangan ng guards, ’di ba?

“Didn’t you read my texts?”

“I slept early, e,” I lied, wishing that he wouldn’t mention his

name.

Psalm shrugged, then revved the engine. Pinikit ko iyong mga mata ko para hindi niya ako kausapin. I just didn’t have the energy to lie or to evade his questions. I just wanted to peacefully go to school, pretend to be a good student, go home, and repeat cycle.

Last year naman na.

Next year, I’d be able to start anew.

When the car stopped, I opened my eyes. “Why aren’t we at school?” I asked nang mapansin na nasa hotel kami. Bumaba si Psalm kaya sumunod ako. He gave his key to the valet.

“You should really read texts or at least visit the group chat,” he said while we’re walking inside.

Huminto kami sa isang resto. Nakita ko si Matt at Simon na nandoon sa loob. Biglang lumabas si Kitty at Anj.

“Let’s go,” Psalm said, holding my arm, trying to pull me inside with him. Nagpahatak ako sa kanya, hanggang sa makarating kami sa table. Walang tao sa loob ng resto maliban sa amin. Well, may isang babae na may hawak ng violin sa isang gilid.

“Thank God!” Kitty said upon seeing me. “I thought you’re gonna go MIA again!” she said, pertaining to the one week I suddenly went to India after Steele dumped me to… I don’t know… find myself?

“What’s happening?” I asked Simon since siya iyong katabi ko.

Simon shrugged. “Don’t know. Just got dragged here, too.”

“Same,” sabi ni Matt, sighing. “No choice.”

Kitty rolled her eyes. “Stop being so KJ and instead learn from Steele,” she said, then handed us illustration boards. “There’s number at the back so you won’t be confused if saan tatayo, okay?” she instructed.

“Guys, sa valet na raw sila,” Anj said.

“Steele’s turning gay,” Simon said habang binabasa iyong salita na monthsary sa board niya.

“Agreed,” Matt said. “Maybe it’s time to evict him from the group,” sabi niya habang may nakalagay na third sa board niya.

“Guys, formation na!” nagpapanic na sabi ni Kitty. Inayos niya kami na naka-pwesto. Nagsimulang tumugtog iyong violinist. Perfect. Perfect. “Pagdating nila, we’re gonna flip the boards so that Andrea can read the greeting, okay?”

My chest.

It’s tightening.

“Jo,” tawag ni Psalm sa ’kin. “Are you alright? You’re shaking.”

I didn’t want to speak. I knew tears would fall the moment I say anything. So, I nodded, instead.

’I found a love for me. Darling, just dive right in, and follow my lead. Well, I found a girl beautiful and sweet. I never knew you were the someone waiting for me ‘cause we were just kids when we fell in love not knowing what it was, I will not give you up this time…’

And there.

Steele arrived with Andrea. She was so surprised. She was crying. She was so happy. She was thanking us for helping Steele to surprise her for their third monthsary.

“Thank you so much, my love!” Andrea said, tears falling from her eyes. “And thank you so much, guys! I appreciate this so much!”

“Anything for you, love. You deserve this,” Steele said, kissing the side of Andrea’s head.

I guess he didn’t think I deserve this kind of love.

Chapter 02

#ABNQ02 Chapter 02

If it weren’t the middle of the sem, I probably would have already booked a flight to Japan… and probably stay there until everything felt okay.

Or at least better than how I was feeling right now.

I hated that I was still feeling so miserable tapos si Steele sobrang masaya. Bakit hindi ko kayang maging masaya rin kagaya niya? Siya naman ’yung nang-iwan. Siya ’yung may kasalanan. Pero bakit sa utak ko, nag-iisip pa rin ako kung ano ’yung nagawa kong mali? Na baka ako talaga ’yung may kasalanan kung bakit niya ako iniwan?

That maybe if I were better that I was, he wouldn’t leave me.

In the end, I felt like it was all my fault… even though all I really ever did was love him.

“You left early last night,” Psalm asked after sitting next to me. Mag-isa lang ako sa classroom. Cancelled kasi iyong class namin, as usual, pero nagstay na lang ako. Alam ko kasi na nasa tambayan iyong mga kaibigan ko, and I was in no mood to reminisce about the thoughtful gesture of my ex-boyfriend to his current.

“Yeah, I was feeling sick,” I said, then continued doodling.

Biglang hinawakan ni Psalm iyong noo ko. “You’re not sick,” sabi niya pagkatapos hawakan din iyong noo niya para i-compare.

“Wala ka bang practice?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nah. Technically, I’m in class right now,” he said. Binuksan niya iyong bag niya at naglabas ng energy bar. One thing about him is that he’s like carrying a mini-canteen in his bag. Seriously. Never akong nagutom kapag kasama ko si Psalm kasi marami siyang pagkain na dala. Dahilan niya is athlete siya kaya mabilis ang metabolism niya at palagi siyang gutom.

“It’s the start of the season next week. Are you gonna watch?” he asked. I shrugged. “Oh, come on. Support your best friend!”

I eyed him. “You’re not my best friend,” I pointed out.

“Right. It’s Anj, but you’re not talking to her,” he replied, shrugging.

Huh.

I walked straight into that. I bet Psalm had been itching to ask me about Anj for quite a while. Nakakapagtaka rin naman kasi… We used to be inseparable, tapos biglang… wala na.

It’s not that I couldn’t tell her about Steele because I knew that she would understand. She’s my best friend—or was—so I knew that she got my back. Pero ewan ko. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her things. Parang suddenly, nawala na ’yung connection?

Suddenly, we just don’t talk that much anymore.

“You’ve been very secretive lately,” he said.

“I’m not. You’re just so curious about things that don’t concern you.”

“Ouch,” he said, feigning a hurt. “I’m the only one who’s still nice enough to annoy you.”

Hindi ko mapigilan na mapa-ngiti. I did appreciate Psalm. He’s just a nice guy. Some women in our school often mistake him being nice as him hitting on them. But being his friend for quite a while, I was sure that most of the time, he’s just being nice. Masyadong nag-aassume lang talaga ’yung mga babae. Too much that one time, his windshield was smashed by some weirdo.

“Well, thank you,” I replied.

“If you’re really thankful, there’s a party for the basketball team—”

“No,” I quickly replied.

“Jo naman…” he said in the rare times he did remember that he’s in the Philippines, and that he actually knows about to speak in Tagalog. He just really prefers to speak in English. This elitist.

“I don’t enjoy parties. And I know how you athletes party,” I said. One time, I attended their party and I promised myself that I’d never go to one again. It was wild. I didn’t think my eyes were ready for that.

“Fine,” he said. “Kitty’s throwing a party at her place. Just us friends.”

I bit my lip.

“She’ll hate you if you ditch,” he continued.

“I’ll try…”

“Jo, it’s her birthday. She’ll kill you if you don’t go.”

Gosh.

Birthday ni Kitty. For sure nandun din si Steele. Ayokong makita si Steele. Baka dalhin niya si Andrea. Kawawa na naman ako. Ayokong maramdaman na naman na kawawa ako.

“I’ll try. Really,” I said.

Psalm sighed. I knew he was just trying his best to cheer me up, but I couldn’t even cheer myself up. I didn’t think anyone could help me if I couldn’t help myself.

“No man is an island, Jo,” he said as he stood up. “I’ll leave you to your silence.”

I wanted to apologize because I knew I’d been such a bad friend to him, to them, but I felt like such a mess. Gusto ko na kapag sinabi ko sa kanila, iyong okay na ako. Iyong tatawanan ko na lang lahat ng shit na ’to. Pero hanggang nandito pa rin ako, nasasaktan, gusto ko munang sarilinin.

This, too, shall pass.

---

Pagkaalis ni Psalm, nanatili lang ako sa classroom. Hindi pa naman ako pwedeng umuwi kasi may isa pa kaming klase. I mean, my heart’s already a mess… the least I could do was not to mess with my grades.

I was quietly reading shits my professor required when I heard the door open.

“So… don’t we have a class?” nagtatakang tanong ni Steele nang mapansin niya na ako lang ang tao sa classroom. Naglakad siya papasok, at saka binaba iyong gamit niya.

He’s late.

Siguro hinatid na naman si Andrea sa Taft—not minding kahit ma-late siya sa sarili niyang klase basta mahatid lang ang pinaka-mamahal niyang girlfriend.

“No. Nagtext si Kel,” tahimik kong sabi pagkatapos kong ibalik iyong tingin ko sa binabasa ko. I kept on telling myself not to look at him, not to talk to him, not to think about him.

Because I wasn’t fooling myself.

I wasn’t over him.

Kinuha niya iyong phone niya. Nakita ko. Kasi tanga ako. Tumingin pa rin ako kahit na alam ko na masasaktan lang naman ako kapag nakita ko siya. Siya na hindi naman sa ’kin. Siya na hindi na ako mahal.

Siya na dahilan kung bakit ang sakit-sakit.

“Aw, fuck, my phone’s dead,” sabi niya.

Patay na naman ’yung phone niya. Malamang kasi kausap niya si Andrea habang nagda-drive siya pabalik sa school. Bakit ko alam? Kasi sinasabi niya sa barkada. Kasi pinag-uusapan ni Kitty at Anj kung gaano ka-perfect boyfriend si Steele.

Pero bakit ’di niya nagawa sa ’kin ’yun?

Ayokong tanungin.

Masasaktan ako.

Ang tanga ko.

“May charger ka, Jo?” he asked.

Natigilan ako.

Ganoon na lang ’yun? Kakausapin niya ako na parang walang nangyari? Na parang ’di niya ako sinaktan? Na parang ’di niya ako sinasaktan sa mga ginagawa niya?

“Seryoso ka ba?” hindi ko napigilan na sabihin.

Nagtaka siya. “What? Na tinatanong ko kung may charger ka?”

My jaw fell. “Tanga ka ba o nagtatanga-tangahan?” I asked, already enraged. I slammed my MacBook close because I was afraid that I’d throw it at his stupid face because he kept on saying stupid things.

“What the fuck’s your problem? Tinatanong lang naman kita.”

“Ang problema ko, bakit ang gago mo?”

Steele clenched his jaw. “Jo, it’s been months! Bakit ba ayaw mong magmove on?”

Oh, my god, ang tanga niya!

Kinuha ko iyong libro sa lamesa ko, at saka malakas na binato sa kanya. Nagawa niya iyong saluhin kaya binato ko pati iyong notebook ko. Hindi ako tumigil hanggang matamaan ko siya sa ulo. The spring of the notebook grazed on his cheek.

“Sa tingin mo ba madaling magmove on?! Lalo na kapag nakikita ko kayo ni Andrea na wala kang ginawa kundi iparada sa harap ko?!” sigaw ko sa kanya. Nararamdaman ko na na nagtutubig iyong mata ko, pero wala na akong pakielam. Alam niya naman na tanga ako. Bakit ko pa itatago?

“Jo, it’s been seven months already. Tama na. Maawa ka naman sa sarili mo,” mahinahon na sabi niya kaya mas lalo akong naiyak. Bakit ba ang dali lang sa kanya na sabihin sa ’kin ’to? Hindi ba niya ako minahal? Wala na ba talaga akong kwenta sa kanya?

Biglang tumulo lahat ng luha ko.

Wala na akong pakielam kung mukha akong tanga.

Isa pa.

Wala namang masama.

Tanga naman talaga ako.

“Gusto kong magmove on. Gusto kong kalimutan ka,” sabi ko sa gitna ng pag-iyak. Naka-tingin ako sa kanya. Gusto kong maramdaman niya ’yung nararamdaman ko. Na nasasaktan ako. Na sinasaktan niya ako.

Na minsan sa buhay niya, minahal niya naman ako. Kaya bakit niya ginagawa sa ’kin ’to?

“Then do it. Please. Don’t do this to yourself, Jo. I don’t deserve this. You can do so much better.”

Mas lalo lang sumakit.

Shit. Ang sakit.

“Bakit…” I said, tears flowing. They were just flowing. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t want to stop them. I was feeling sorry for myself. Sobrang pathetic ko. Sobrang nakakaawa ako. “Bakit sa ’kin hindi mo nagawa ’yun? Ano ba ’yung kulang sa ’kin, ha?”

Nakatayo ako sa harap niya.

Parang tangang naghihintay ng sagot.

Kasi ano ba naman na magpakatanga ulit?

Ng isa pa?

“Jo… I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say that won’t hurt you.”

Pinunasan ko iyong luha ko. Pero walang kwenta. May pumalit. Agad.

“Just be honest with me. Please.”

Steele looked at me. He looked hurt. I knew what he’d say would hurt me, too… but maybe this was what I wanted. To be hurt. For the last time. By him.

“When I first met you, I thought you were pretty. We became friends. I realized you were cool. Later on, I asked you out. We were together for a while. I was really happy when we were together, Jo. You really made me happy.”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit umiiyak ako. Para na talaga akong tanga.

“But I realized that we are just so different. We enjoy different things. We argue about the smallest things. We fight a lot. Soon, us felt more like a responsibility. I wasn’t happy anymore.”

Iyong puso ko, parang pinipiga. Pero hindi ko siya pinigilan. Kasi alam ko na kailangan ko ’tong marinig. Para hindi na ako parang tanga na nag-iisip kung saan ba ako nagkamali. Kung bakit niya ako iniwan.

Kung bakit hindi ako.

“When I met Andrea, she was just… so beautiful. She is the nicest person I’d ever met. She’s just so full of life, Jo, that being around her makes me feel so alive,” he said, and there’s a smile on his face while he was talking about her. “It’s just so easy with her. Being with her… it’s so easy. Being with her doesn’t feel like a responsibility. It’s how relationship should feel like.”

Shit.

May mas isasakit pa pala ’yung nararamdaman ko.

“And I’m sorry if you’re still hurting, Jo, but I’ll never apologize for being happy.”

---

That night, I sent a text to Psalm asking him if I could still go to the party. He immediately called, sounding surprised, and asking me if I had a stroke. He just texted me the place of the club, so I went there a little early since I just wanted to get drunk.

Pagdating ko, wala pang tao masyado. Party starts at 11pm, and 8pm pa lang, nasa club na ako.

“Where are you?” Psalm asked after I answered his call. It was already 10pm, and I was already almost done with my first bottle of JD. I knew I was killing myself by drinking this alone, but I knew that I needed to get drunk. To just trash myself for one night… and promise that tomorrow, I’d start to get better.

I really just wanted to get wasted tonight.

To cry for my heart.

To cry because I wasn’t happy.

“What?” I asked, my head a little dizzy. I reached for the nachos, and stuffed my mouth.

“I’m here at your place. Your yaya said that you left at around 9, so where are you?”

“Why are you even at my place?”

“Thought we’d get food first before hitting the club,” he said. “So, where are you?”

I wanted to say something, but my head was pounding so badly. “I’m at… Oh! Nandito ’yung crush mo! ’Yung player ng badminton!” I said. “Awww… she’s with someone…”

“What?” he asked. “Are you at the club already?”

I stood up. “I’ll…” I said as I began to walk, but my vision was getting dizzy. “I think… Oh! She’s with Patrick, that guy from last year… remember? The one who asked for my number?” I continued walking, but I almost tripped. “I’ll talk to him… Ahh… Then maybe you can talk to your crush. I’ll be your wingwoman!”

Gosh, since when did it get hard to walk?!

“For heaven’s sake, Jo!” sigaw niya.

“Ouch!” I said when my ear hurt from his shouting.

“Stay where you are. I’ll call someone to look after you,” he said. “Don’t do anything stupid, alright?” he asked before ending the call.

Stupid.

If I wanted to do stupid, I’d do Steele. That stupid guy.

After talking to Psalm, I began to walk around, but my vision was getting dizzier by the second, and the people in the club was starting to grow. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng init kaya nagsimula akong maglakad palabas.

“Hey, Jo,” someone said. “You alone?”

“No,” I quickly replied although I didn’t know why I was talking to a stranger. Steele always told me to—fuck. Steele na naman.

“I don’t see anyone with you,” the guy said.

“Wanna dance?” I asked. The guy didn’t answer, but he pulled me to the dance floor. I didn’t even know what song was playing, all I knew was that I was dancing… and maybe crying a little. Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Steele, umiiyak lang ako kasi mas lalo kong naramdaman kung gaano ako nakakaawa. Na siya masaya samantalang ako hindi magawang makalimutan siya. Hindi naman kasi madali. Lalo na at palagi ko siyang nakikita.

While dancing, the guy’s hand kept on touching my butt, and I kept on slapping his hand away. “Don’t,” I said, but his hand kept on going back. “Ano ba?!” I shouted when he cupped my ass.

“Come on, Jo…” he said, then tried to get near me.

I ran through the crowd, just to get away from him. Nagmamadali akong maglakad hanggang sa hindi ko na alam kung nasaan ako. My heart was racing inside my chest, feeling scared for myself. Feeling stupid because I let myself be in that situation.

“Thank God.”

I looked up, and saw Psalm. I was on the floor, sitting down and holding the JD bottle to my chest.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he said, then crouched beside me. “Why are you here?” he asked because we were both at the fire exit.

“Some guy tried to harass me,” I said.

“What?!” napalakas ang sigaw niya.

“Calm down. I’m fine now.”

“Jo!” he said, brushing his broccoli hair. “That’s why I told you to never go alone!” he said, sounding really frustrated.

“I know… I’m sorry… I kinda put myself in that position,” I said, sighing.

“Are you alright?”

I nodded. “I ran before things escalated,” paliwanag ko. “It was my fault naman. I knew I shouldn’t have given him the opportunity to harass me, but…” I sighed. “I guess I was desperate to feel wanted.”

I must have been so fucking drunk to be able to say things like this.

Things I’d never say if I were sober.

“I feel so pathetic, Psalm. I feel so… ugly. I feel all the bad things inside me,” I said, then tears began to form in my eyes again. Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha ko kasi pagod na pagod na akong umiyak, pero parang walang katapusan iyong pag-iyak ko. “I want to be okay again… so bad… but I can’t just command myself to be okay.”

Psalm sat quietly beside me.

“I know you want me to be okay, he wants me to be okay. God, gusto ko na ring maging okay… pero hindi naman ganoon kadali. Sino ba ’yung hindi gustong maging masaya? Wala naman, ’di ba? Pero hindi ko magawa,” I said. “I’m sorry if you’re the one listening to me…”

Psalm put his hand over my head, and gently patted me. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

I smiled, but tear fell from my eye. “Sana nga.”

“You can’t hurt forever, you know? One day, it will all end. Just wait.”

“I’ve been hurting for months now… Pagod na ako…”

“Haaay, Jocelyn Yuchengco.”

I frowned. “I hate you.”

He laughed. “I know I’m not the best person to talk about love stuff, but if you desperately need someone to talk to, I’ll try not to barf.”

I rolled my eyes. “If you ever fall in love, I’ll be the first one to laugh.”

“Nah. That won’t happen anytime soon,” he said, then stood up, and pulled me with him. “Let’s get you some food,” he said before wrapping his arm on my shoulders. “God, you smell like alcohol.”

“Wag mo kasi akong akbayan,” sabi ko sabay tulak sa kanya, pero mas lalo niya lang akong hinila palapit.

“Tell me the name of the guy who harassed you,” he said while we were walking out of the bar.

“Nah. Not important,” I said.

“Please?”

“No. You’ll just have your guards beat him.”

“What’s the sense of having guards if I don’t ask them to beat people up?” he asked.

“Susumbong kita kay Tita Anna.”

He laughed. “Mom loves me. Try again, Jocelyn,” sabi niya kaya kinurot ko siya.

Chapter 03

#ABNQ03 Chapter 03

“Thanks,” I told Psalm after he drove me home. He just asked one of his guards to drive my car hom kasi hindi ko na talaga kayang magdrive. I was too smashed, and I wouldn’t dare touch the steering wheel because I didn’t want to cause accident.

“No prob. Are you all cried out?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. I feel a little better na.”

He nodded, too. “Okay. You go sleep,” he said, patting my head.

“Babalik ka pa sa club?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Yeah. It’s just 1am,” he replied. 1am pa lang? It already felt like 4am dahil sa dami ng iniyak ko at sinabi ko kay Psalm. I was so thankful for having a friend like him because hindi naman niya responsibility na alagaan ako, but he still did it.

Before this whole fiasco with Steele, I wasn’t really this close with Psalm. I mean, I talk to him almost every day, but we’re not this close. Anj was my best friend… but after everything, after a rift was form between Anj and I, it seemed like Psalm felt like I was alone, so he always made sure na may kausap ako.

He’s just a really nice guy.

“Alright. Take care,” I said, waving at him as I open the gate.

“Hey, Jo!” narinig ko na sigaw niya mula sa labas kaya naman naglakad ulit ako, at saka binuksan iyong gate. He was still standing outside. I creased my forehead.

“What?” I asked, then yawned. It was already 1am. I wasn’t used to staying up late. I mean, before yes kasi magkausap kami ni Steele hanggang madaling araw. But as he said before, it’s been months already… wala ng dahilan para magpuyat ako.

“Just want to tell you that I always got your back,” he said, casually shrugging while both his hands were inside his pockets.

Napa-ngiti ako.

Kaya maraming nafo-fall dito, e.

“Thanks,” I said, smiling. “Enjoy, but don’t drink too much.”

“Roger that,” he said, even doing the salute. He waved one more time before he walked back in his car. Pumasok na ako sa loob kasi sabi niya pumasok na muna ako bago siya umalis.

Habang papasok ako, my phone vibrated.

From: Eldest broccoli

When you’re done, maybe you can tell me his name.

To: Eldest broccoli

You’re driving. ’Wag ka magtext

From: Eldest broccoli

Then why are you replying

Ang kulit! Umakyat na nga ako sa kwarto ko. I removed my makeup first, then took a quick shower before plopping down on my bed. Ipipikit ko na sana iyong mga mata ko nang maramdaman ko na nagvibrate iyong cellphone ko. I grabbed it, and saw that Psalm sent a text a few minutes ago.

From: Eldest broccoli

I know we’re not really that close, but you can always talk to me. I know it’s weird but I really hate seeing my friends getting hurt. Also, I’m here at the club na so don’t worry about me texting while driving. Night, Jo! Tomorrow will be better.

Unknowingly, I was smiling as I fell asleep. It’s nice to have a friend who cares about you. Someone who’ll go out of his way to make sure that you’re okay even if you already lied about being all right.

The next few days were a little bit better. I felt better than how I’d been feeling for a few months now kaya naman napagdesisyunan ko na pumunta na ulit sa tambayan namin.

Matt and Simon were looking at me weirdly. Wala pa kasi iyong dalawang babae.

“What?” sabi ko nung naka-tingin pa rin sila sa aking dalawa.

“Nothing. It’s just weird seeing you here again,” Matt said, shrugging.

“I’ve been just really busy before,” I lied. “Si Psalm?”

Simon creased his forehead. “You’ve been with Psalm a lot lately.”

“Yeah, so?” I asked. Nasaan ba ’yung broccoli na ’yun kapag kailangan ko siya? Nagugutom na kasi ako. Nasa kabilang ibayo pa ng campus ’yung caf, at tinatamad akong maglakad. I was thinking of just getting food from his mini-canteen.

“Nothing,” Matt said.

I rolled my eyes. “Ang dumi ng isip mo.”

“Hey, I said nothing!” Matt said, raising both his hands up. “And besides, Psalm’s known to you know… make girls fall.”

Psalm had this crazy reputation in school because as I’d said, he’s just really nice. Alam mo ’yun? ’Yung tipo na kapag umiiyak ka e bibigyan ka ng panyo at saka hindi aalis hanggang ’di ka tumitigil sa pag-iyak? He’s just that kind of person. I guess he was raised that way… and add the fact that he’s captain of the basketball team, so it wasn’t all surprising that girls were throwing themselves at him. ’Yung tatlong kapatid niya kasi, medyo mga suplado. Si Psalm lang talaga ’yung sociable sa kanila.

“But Jo knows better than to date a friend,” Simon said, draping his arm over my shoulder, and then tousling my hair.

Right.

Habang hinihintay ko si Psalm na dumating, balak ko sana na mag-aral dahil paparating na ang mga exam, pero hindi ako tinigilan ni Simon at Matt. I didn’t know why I was even friends with them! Sobrang kulit ng mga lalaki na ’to!

“Dude!” sigaw ni Matt nung makita niyang paparating si Steele. I shifted uncomfortably on my seat, but I told myself that I should get over it. I should. Okay, I lost Steele, but I didn’t want to lose my friends, too. And I knew that if I kept on distancing myself from them because I didn’t want to be around Steele, I’d lose them, too.

Steele looked at me. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

The last time we talked, he begged me to move on. And I was doing it. Pero hindi naman ganoon kadali. Kasi kung madaling magmove on, walang masasaktan. Kung sana may switch lang ang feelings, ’di walang hugot lines na maiimbento.

But I knew I could do this.

Tama naman si Psalm. I wouldn’t hurt forever. One day, this all would end. And I couldn’t wait for that day to come.

I concentrated on the book that I brought with me habang sina Steele, nag-uusap tungkol sa sasakyan. Maya-maya, dumating na rin si Kitty, Anj, at si Psalm. Psalm was actually carrying boxes?

“Thanks, Psalm!” Kitty said as Psalm put the boxes on the table. Tumayo si Matt, at saka tinignan iyong mga naka-lagay sa box.

“I think you befriend us to order us around,” Simon said.

Kitty rolled her eyes. “Duh. Besides, what’s the use of your muscles if ou won’t help me carry stuff around,” sabi niya.

“Para san ’yan?” Matt asked Psalm.

Psalm shrugged. “Don’t know. I was just walking towards here, when these two dragged me and made me carry those frigging boxes.”

“Bakit ’di si Steele utusan niyo? Siya kaya laging humihingi ng tulong sa inyong dalawa tungkol sa girlfriend niya,” Simon said.

Oh, fudge.

Why was I here again? Right. I needed to hear this. I needed to be okay with this. I wouldn’t lose my friends, too. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Tahimik lang ako sa isang sulok habang nagtatalo si Kitty at Matt kung sino ba ang dapat utusan kapag may mga ipapagawa si Kitty. Kitty’s member of the student council, so she’s always running around the school— and that includes some lifting.

“So… I gotta go,” Psalm said.

“Sama na ko,” I replied. I already stayed here for an hour. It’s enough… I think. At least they knew that I was around. I just didn’t want to stay here longer. Baka kung saan mapunta ang usapan nila.

Matt and Simon were looking at me weirdly, and I resisted the urge to flip my middle finger at them.

“Kadiri,” I mouthed at them before I jogged to catch up with Psalm. May tumawag kasi sa kanya. Paglapit ko, naghintay muna ako na matapos siya sa kausap niya. He was speaking in Spanish, so I thought he was talking to his relatives.

“San ka?” I asked when he was done talking.

“Gym, why?” he shot back while we were walking.

“Ah…” parang tanga ko na sabi. We were still within the view of our friends, so I was forced to walk together with Psalm kahit na gusto ko na lang dumiretso sa parking, at saka umuwi.

“Are you going home?” I nodded. “You should’ve stayed, and help Anj and Kitty,” he said.

I sighed. “I know…”

“Anj is asking about you.” I sighed again. “You should talk to her. She’s your best friend.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi ko kasi alam ’yung sasabihin. Hindi ko ma-explain na hindi ko pa kayang sabihin iyong problema ko hanggang alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa talaga ako okay.

Maybe when I was all better, I’d tell Anj.

But for now, I just wanted to heal in silence.

“She seems to enjoy Kitty’s company,” I said instead.

“Yeah, because you’re ignoring her,” Psalm said.

“I’m not.”

“She said you won’t reply to her texts.”

“I don’t reply to anyone.”

Kung hindi nga lang dahil sa text kami iniinform tungkol sa balita sa class, baka hindi na muna ako nagcellphone. Baka nagpakalunod na lang talaga ako sa library. Baka nagpaka-ermitanyo na talaga ako.

“You reply to me,” Psalm said.

“Don’t feel too flattered,” I shot back. He laughed.

“See you tonight!” sabi niya.

“San?”

“Kitty’s party!” he shouted as he jogged towards the gym.

Aw, fudge. Makikita ko na naman si Steele?! And possibly Andrea?!

---

I was freaking out. I knew that I needed to attend, lest I wanted Kitty to forever vanish me from her life. She’s that sensitive when it comes to her birthday. Gusto niya kumpleto kami lahat palagi. She came from a dysfunctional family kaya ang pamilya niya, kaming kaibigan niya pati ’yung trabaho niya sa student council. Once, Simon had to stay here in the Philippines habang nasa Cali lahat ng pamilya niya just so he could attend Kitty’s party. Kitty’s the baby of the group.

Ugh.

Bahala na!

At around 6pm, I was already all dressed up. I just got her a gift card from her favorite cosmetics since ’yun naman talaga ang binibigay ko sa kanya. Mapili kasi siya sa gamit kaya mas mabuti na siya na lang ang bumili.

“What?” I answered when Psalm called. I was already outside waiting for Manong dahil kinuha pa iyong sasakyan sa garage.

“Be there in 15.”

“I’ll be driving there.”

“Nah, I’ll pick you up.”

“You’re not my yaya.”

“I’m too hot to be your yaya,” he said, which made me roll my eyes. “Besides, you’re just gonna ditch early if you bring your car.”

Hate it when he’s right. Ang plano ko talaga ay pumunat saglit tapos umuwi. I’d stay for two hours, tops… a maybe get a little drunk if Andrea’s there. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay sober with them talking about their happy love life.

I was miserable. Sue me.

I ended the call. Wala na kasi akong masabi. A few minutes later, Psalm’s car pulled over. Pumunta na ako sa passenger seat, at saka sinuot iyong seatbelt.

“Pag gusto ko na umuwi, iuuwi mo ako.”

“I don’t think Mom will appreciate—”

I glared at him. “First, asa ka pa. Second, I’m your responsibility now.”

“Are you avoiding someone in our group? You’re being really sketchy lately, Jo,” he said while he was driving. I remained quiet. I didn’t want to talk much because I might slip. Feeling ko naman magiging maayos na ako. At kapag maayos na ako, masasabi ko na rin naman sa kanila.

God, I couldn’t wait to be okay again.

“Kapag nagganito ako,” sabi ko sabay wiggle ng dalawang beses sa kilay ko, “It means uuwi na ako.”

Naka-kunot ang noo niya. “What?”

“I’m serious!” I told him.

Psalm sighed. “I’m not your mom, so I don’t want to be a nag, but if you still want to be friends with Anj, you better stay and at least talk to her,” Psalm said. I knew he meant well, but I just couldn’t! Best friend ko si Anj, yes, but things had been so fucking crazy lately. I’d been too alone lately, and I knew that it was my fault. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her anything.

I just… couldn’t.

And I couldn’t explain myself, too.

One day, best friends; the next day… just friends.

Pagbaba namin, dumiretso agad kami sa loob. Kilala naman kami ng guard. The usual suspects were already there. Anj was talking to Andrea. Great.

“Happy birthday, Kitty,” I said, hugging her.

She hugged me back. “Thank you, Jo,” she replied. “Anj is at the receiving room. I’ll just call you guys if ready na ’yung food.”

God, I felt so guilty for being such a shitty friend.

Nasa entertainment room din si Psalm kaya wala akong choice kung hindi sumunod doon. Pagpasok ko, narinig ko na nagtatawanan sila dahil sa kung anuman na kinu-kwento ni Andrea. I bet it was funny. Masaya kasi kausap si Andrea. ’Di naman ako tanga na ’di mapapansin ’yun. She’s also nice. She volunteers at pet shops during her free time. She also hikes. She also dives. She also donates blood.

See? Ang dami kong alam tungkol sa kanya!

“Jo, she’s also a fan of Jo Koy!” Simon said.

“Oh, my god! You’re also a fan?” Andrea said, sounding genuinely excited.

I awkwardly smiled. “Yeah…”

Andrea proceeded on telling things she liked about Jo Koy. I politely nodded, but didn’t say a thing. Naramdaman siguro ni Andrea na wala ako sa mood kaya iniba niya iyong topic. I quietly stood up to go outside.

“Where are you going?” Psalm asked, probably worried that I’d hotwire his car just to get out of here.

“Just let her be,” Anj said.

Natahimik lahat bigla. Pati ako, hindi makasagot.

“It’s obvious that you’d rather be somewhere else than here,” Anj continued. I stayed silent. I deserved this. “Just go than spoil the night for us.”

My chest began to tighten. I fisted my hands, and took deep breaths.

“Anj—” Psalm said.

“Bakit? Tama naman ako, ah. Palagi niya tayong iniiwasan, tapos ngayon na nandito siya, ang bastos niya pa kay Andrea,” sabi ni Anj. Napa-tingin ako kay Steele na walang imik.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Paulit-ulit.

“Sorry,” mahinang sabi ko. “I’ll just leave.”

Mabilis akong lumabas. Iniwan ko iyong regalo ko kay Kitty sa lamesa, at naglakad palabas. Parang tanga ako na naglalakad sa village nila. Gusto ko lang makalayo sa bahay. I was starting to feel suffocated, and I hated how I was losing friends because of this secret! Gusto ko mang sabihin, pero saan ko sisimulan? Hindi ko alam!

I didn’t know what I was doing. I was mindlessly walking, not knowing where I’d go. I just wished that it wouldn’t rain because I didn’t need the dramatic effect. My life was miserable as it was.

“Jo!”

Napahinto ako nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Psalm.

“Bumalik ka na ’dun. Baka madamay ka pa sa galit ni Anj,” mahina kong sabi.

“Let’s go back,” he said.

“I’ll go home.”

Psalm sighed. “I don’t know why you girls are so emotional,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s Kitty’s birthday. Balik na tayo.”

“I already left the gift.”

“You know Kitty wants to—”

“Ayoko nga. Bakit ba ’di mo maintindihan?” Bigla siyang natigilan. Ayoko na kasi na pilitin niya ako. I just wanted to go home! Today’s been too fucking much for me already! Alam ko naman na dapat magmove on ako. Ginagawa ko na. Pero ’wag naman ganito! ’Wag sabay-sabay!

Psalm stared at me.

“Don’t wait until everyone’s given up on you,” he said before tossing me his key and walking away.

Chapter 04

#ABNQ04 Chapter 04

“Jocelyn?” I pulled the sheets upward. I felt the side of the bed sinking, so I knew that Mom was sitting on my bed. “Yaya said that you skipped school yesterday.”

Ugh, yaya! Ang tanda ko na, sinusumbong pa ako kay Mommy!

Bahagya kong binaba iyong comforter. “I was feeling sick,” I replied. She felt my forehead.

“You’re all better now. You should go to class,” she authoritatively said. I groaned. “A lot of kids want to go to school. You’re very privileged. You shouldn’t take that for granted,” she continued, tapping my cheeks lightly while doing so.

Both my parents came from average family. Both of them were college sweethearts; then, both of them helped each other in grad school. Daddy’s a neurosurgeon, while Mom’s a corporate lawyer, an in-house counsel for an international corporation. Kaya kahit okay naman na kami ngayon, sobrang tipid pa rin nilang dalawa, at saka laging pinapaalala sa ’min ni Jax na dapat magpasalamat kami palagi.

So, wala akong choice kung hindi ang pumasok. I really skipped school yesterday because I didn’t want to see any of my friends. Classmate ko sila sa lahat ng subjects ko, so I didn’t have a choice but to skip. Ewan ko. I knew I was also at fault kung bakit nangyayari ’to. I thought that things would be so much easier if I’d just tell them… but it wasn’t that easy.

It’s not easy opening up.

It’s not easy telling people why you’re hurting.

I wished Psalm didn’t tell me that they’d give up on me.

He made me think of giving up on me.

“Hey, Jo,” Simon said. I sat down in the middle of Matt and Simon. I was mad at Psalm, thought I could understand where he was coming from.

“Hi,” I shortly replied.

Tahimik lang kaming tatlo. I appreciated that both of them didn’t mention what happened during Kitty’s birthday because I was ashamed of how I acted… or the lack thereof. Hindi ko nga maalala kung may ginawa ba ako. Ang naaalala ko na lang, bigla na lang nagalit si Anj sa ’kin. Then things went awry right after that.

“Are you free later?” Simon asked.

“Why?” I asked back. Ayoko lang na sumama muna sa kanila. Yes, I still wanted to be friends with them, but I also wanted to make sure I was fine. Baka kasi masiraan na ako ng ulo kung pipilitin ko pa rin ’yung sarili ko na magpanggap na okay kahit na ang totoo, gusto kong magbasag ng pinggan tuwing pinag-uusapan ni Kitty at Anj kung gaano ka-perfect na boyfriend si Steele kay Andrea.

Simon shrugged. “Nothing. ’Di na tayo nagkaka-sama lately,” sabi niya. I knew he just didn’t want to directly mention that I’d been avoiding them lately. Sometimes, it’s nice to have guy friends. Definitely less drama. It’s just either you’re cool or not. No in between. No harsh words.

“Don’t worry, tayo lang nila Psalm,” Matt said. “All boys tayo.”

I glared at him. “I’m still a girl despite popular opinion. And I’ll think about it.”

“Aww. Come on, Jo! Pumayag ka na. We’re both feeling shitty kasi nung birthday lang ni Kitty namin na-realize na lumalayo ka nga. Busy kasi kami sa basketball kaya ’di namin napansin,” Matt continued.

Simon nodded. “Yeah. Don’t be a stranger, Jo. And relieve our conscience.”

I rolled my eyes. Ang paawa ng mga lalaki na ’to. “Fine. Sinu-sino ba tayo? And saan tayo pupunta?”

Matt beamed. “Tagaytay? And baka tayong apat lang nila Psalm kasi alam mo naman si Steele,” Matt said, then acted like he’s barfing. “Tuloy mamaya, ha?”

Okay.

Wala naman si Steele. At saka wala namang kasalanan sa ’kin sila. I mean, kahit naman si Anj… Ako talaga ’yung may kasalanan nito kasi ayoko at hindi ko pa kaya pag-usapan ’yung problema.

Right after that, dumating na ’yung prof namin kaya nagfocus na kami sa class. Paglabas naman, nagulat ako kasi naka-sunod sa akin si Matt at Simon.

“Sa lib ako pupunta,” I said.

“Daan muna tayong caf,” Matt said.

“Doon nga kayo kila Kitty,” sabi ko.

Simon draped his arm over my shoulder habang naglalakad kaming tatlo na sabay-sabay. “Nah. She’s got Anj and Steele. You got us.”

I frowned. Ito ’yung isa sa dahilan kung bakit ’di ko masabi, e. I knew they’d take sides, and I didn’t want that. It was my mess; ayoko na madamay iyong barkada.

“I’m gonna study sa lib kaya mabobore lang kayong dalawa. Punta na kayo kila Kitty,” sabi ko sa kanila.

“You know, Jo, magtatampo na talaga kami sa ’yo,” Simon said. “Akala ko ba friends?”

“Arte mo. Magkikita naman tayo mamaya,” sabi ko. “Sige na, bye!” sabi ko pa bago tumakbo papunta sa library. Pagdating ko, doon ako pumwesto sa pinaka-dulo. I had a three hour break, and I was in no mood to study kaya balak ko lang matulog. Iniwan ko lang sa gilid iyong bag ko, at saka naupo sa beanbag.

I was in the middle of trying to sleep, when I felt someone poking my side. Mabilis kong binuksan iyong mga mata ko nang makita ko si Psalm. I immediately frowned.

“What?” I snapped.

“Sorry,” he said, clapping both his hands together, and gave me his puppy eyes.

I snickered at him, at saka sumandal ulit sa beanbag at pinikit ang mga mata ko. Nasa gilid kami ng lib, so sadly for me, walang librarian na papagalitan siya dahil ang kulit niya.

Soon after, I heard Psalm pulling the beanbag he’s sitting on. Naramdaman ko na naman na kinakalabit niya ako. Alam ko na ’di niya ako titigilan kaya tinignan ko na siya.

“You weren’t replying to my texts,” he said. I remained silent. I heard him sigh. “I just want to apologize for what I said last time.”

“You were right, though,” I said. “No need to apologize.”

I didn’t know why I was even pissed with him. I understood where he was coming from. It was hard to be with me because I wouldn’t tell him anything. It wasn’t easy for me, too. Hindi madali na nasa sarili ko lang lahat… but that didn’t automatically made it easy for me to just open up.

God, I wish opening up was that simple.

“No, I wasn’t,” he said. His voice sounded so sad that I kind of felt bad. Sa lahat ng kaibigan ko, siya na nga lang ’yung nagreach out sa ’kin tapos ganito pa nangyari sa kanya.

“Hey, it’s fine,” sabi ko.

“No. I told you I got your back, then I said shitty things,” he said. “I was just… frustrated, I guess? I want to help you, but you won’t tell me things. And I know I shouldn’t force you to speak because I get annoyed, too, when people force me to tell things when I clearly don’t want to.”

Halos malaglag ang panga ko sa narinig ko sa kanya. Hindi ko kasi alam na may ganitong side pala siya. Tuwi kasing nakikita ko siya, palagi lang siyang masaya at saka maloko. Lalo na kapag kasama niya ’yung basketball team. Puro lang kalokohan at party

“Don’t beat yourself about it. Okay na ko.”

He looked at me. “Still. Sorry.”

“Fine. Apology accepted,” I said. “Sama ka ba sa Tagaytay mamaya?”

He shook his head. “Nah. Steele asked for a favor,” sabi niya. I begged myself to not show anything. Steele’s Psalm’s best friend. I didn’t want to cause a rift between them… and knowing Psalm, I knew that he’d take my side kapag nalaman niya ’yung nangyari.

God, I just needed a way to get things right. Ayokong mag-away kaming lahat kasi wala namang sense. Wala na kami ni Steele. Masaya na siya. I just needed to be okay… Then, hopefully, everything would follow.

“Next time, you’ll go with Steele and me,” he said.

“Sure,” I said, dragging the word.

“About Anj, I’ll let you sort that thing out,” he continued.

“Thank you,” I sincerely said. Anj tried countless of times to know what my problem was, but I always dismissed her. It wasn’t actually a surprise na bigla na lang siyang sumabog nung birthday ni Kitty. I wasn’t mad at her. I was mad at myself. I was so freaking complicated.

After briefly talking with Psalm (with him apologizing in between), natulog lang kaming dalawa sa lib. We set the alarm kaya sabay din kaming pumasok sa class. Medyo na-late pala kaming dalawa kaya kumpleto na sila sa classroom pagdating namin.

Matt and Simon were raising their brows up and down, and grinning like idiots. Asa naman. After what happened with Steele? ’Di na, uy!

“I’ll sit with Steele,” Psalm said.

“Okay,” sabi ko, nagtataka kung bakit nagpapaalam siya.

“He’s gonna tell me about the favor. It’s probably about Andrea.”

Ugh. Asar naman. But I needed to be able to hear Andrea’s name without my blood pressure skyrocketing. Wala naman kasing ginawa sa akin si Andrea. ’Di naman niya kasalanan na gago si Steele.

Doon ako umupo ulit sa gitna ni Matt at Simon. I felt Anj’s stares and they felt like daggers, so I quietly minded my own business—even ignoring Matt and Simon who just talked about basketball since obviously wala ako sa mood makipagkulitan sa kanilang dalawa.

After the boring lecture, dumiretso na kami sa labas. Kitty ran because of student council stuff, which left the six of us.

“Kaninong sasakyan gagamitin?” tinatanong ni Matt si Simon nang lumapit bigla si Anj. Nasa upuan pa ako dahil inaayos ko pa iyong gamit ko.

“Aalis kayo?” Anj asked.

Matt nodded, then threw me a glance. Agad naman ’yung napansin ni Anj. She knew I was going with them.

“Ah… okay,” she said, then quickly walked away. I didn’t know what to do! Gusto kong sabihin na siya na lang ang sumama at ako na lang ang uuwi, pero hindi ko alam ang gagawin! I knew she had all the rights to be mad at me, but I was afraid that then she’d ask me why.

Psalm and Steele walked towards us.

“San ba kayo? Sama niyo na lang si Anj,” Matt said. “Nagtampo yata kasi ’di namin inaya, e.”

Steele threw me a glance. Agad kong iniwas iyong tingin ko sa kanya. I didn’t know what to do. It was both our fault that we’re in this mess, but I was the only one who’s affected kasi ako lang naman ’yung ’di nakaka-move on pa. He still had his best friend with him, while I was quickly losing grip on mine.

“We’re just gonna buy balloons and shits for Andrea’s birthday,” Psalm said, shrugging.

“Yown! Sama niyo na lang, tapos paki-sabi, siya ang ide-date namin ni Simon next time!” Matt said. “Di kasi pwede na sabay sila. Mamaya mag-away pa silang dalawa,” sabi niya sabay turo sa akin. “Syempre ’di kami aawat ni Simon.” Inirapan ko siya. Pangarap niya kasing makapanood ng nag-aaway na babae tapos bubuhusan niya ng jell-o.

Nauna na sila Simon at Matt. Sabi ko susunod na lang ako. Nagdedecide pa rin kasi sila kung kaninong sasakyan ang gagamitin kasi walang may gustong magdrive. Paglabas ko sa CR, nagulat ako dahil nakita ko si Steele na naka-sandal.

“Jo,” mabilis na sabi niya habang hinahabol ako. Mabilis akong naglakad. “Jo!”

“Ano ba?!” I snapped when he held my arm, forcing me to stop and face him.

Steele looked at me, seemingly frustrated because he was clenching his jaw. Tatlong segundo lang siyang naka-tingin sa akin habang naka-hawak sa braso ko.

“Ano? Bitiwan mo ako kung wala kang sasabihin,” sabi ko sabay mabilis na tanggal sa pagkakahawak niya sa akin. I refused to look at his face because it still hurt a little when I look at him. Because once in my life, I thought it was him who was meant for me. Because we’d been friends for so long! Hindi ko naman alam na kaya niya akong gaguhin nang ganon!

“Jo,” ulit niya na naman.

“Alam ko ang pangalan ko. ’Di mo kailangang ulit-ulitin.”

He sighed, then ran his fingers through his hair. I was about to leave him when he began to talk. “I’m sorry about Anj.” Bigla akong natigilan. “I… know I’m the reason why you’re not talking to her, to the group.”

I scoffed. “Kung ’di ka ba naman kalahating tanga, bakit ngayon mo lang napansin?”

He sighed again. “Look, ayoko na mag-away kayo,” sabi niya at saka tinignan ako.

“Akala ko ba ’di ka magsosorry dahil masaya ka?” balik tanong ko sa kanya. What he said haunted me at night, making me wonder if I was so bad for wishing that he wasn’t as happy as he was. “Di ba kaya mo ko iniwan kasi napagod ka sa ’kin? Ano? Napapagod ka na naman ngayon kaya aalis ka na naman?”

Naka-tingin siya sa akin na parang ’di makapaniwala sa sinasabi ko sa kanya. I just wanted him to know how I was feeling, how miserable he was making me feel! And I knew my words hurt like a knife, but him showing me how much more happy he was with someone else felt like a dagger slowly piercing my chest! Every. Single. Day.

“Bumalik ka na. Ako na lang ’yung aalis.”

My jaw fell.

“What?” I asked, unable to believe what I just heard from him. “No, you don’t get to play hero, you jerk! You don’t get to make me feel guilty dahil aalis ka sa grupo. If you really want to make things right, ’wag kang paawa, sabihin mo sa kanila kung gaano ka ka-gago—”

Pero napa-hinto ako nang makita ko si Matt at Simon na naka-tingin sa amin. And that clench on their jaws told me that they’d heard more than enough.

Chapter 05

#ABNQ05 Chapter 05

Shit.

Simon and Matt were looking at us—or maybe looking at me while glaring at Steele. Either way, it didn’t feel right. Ang tagal kong nagtiis na ’wag sabihin, tapos sa ganitong paraan lang nila malalaman?

“What?” Matt asked, still not moving. Pero kahit na ’di sila gumalaw, iyong kabog sa dibdib ko ay hindi tumitigil. He was looking at us like he wanted an explanation kung bakit ako sumisigaw, kung bakit namumula iyong mga mata ko dahil halos maiyak ako sa inis kay Steele.

Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha sa mata ko. “Nothing,” I said. Nanginginig iyong mga paa ko, pero nagawa kong maglakad palapit sa kanila. Every step was making my chest tighten. “Tara na,” I said.

“Steele?” tanong ni Matt.

Hinawakan ko iyong braso niya, sinubukan na hatakin siya para umalis na kami. If I’d tell them about what happened, I’d tell them when they’re not mad like this. I didn’t want anger clouding their judgment. Because after everything that happened, the fact that we’re all friends first would still remain.

“Simon…” tawag ko kay Simon, at tumingin na parang humihingi ng tulong. “Tara na.”

Simon looked confused, but he had an idea about what happened. “You… and Steele?” he asked me.

I nodded. “Yes.” I pulled Matt’s arm again. “Tara na.”

Tumingin ako kay Matt, almost begging him to go. Siya kasi ’yung maraming kapatid na babae na mas bata sa kanya. Kung protective si Psalm, mas protective si Matt. And I had no intention of seeing how protective he could get.

Yes, I wanted to punch Steele’s stupid face, but I still knew that violence would never solve anything. It’s disturbingly satisfying, but still doesn’t solve anything.

“Kaya ka ba umiiwas?” Matt asked me.

I nodded. “Yes. Tara na,” sabi ko ulit.

“Kailan pa?”

“I’ll explain later. Alis na tayo.”

“Kailan pa?” he asked Steele.

I bit my lower lip as Steele answered his question. Bakit hindi na lang siya umalis? ’Di ba plano niya na lumayo muna sa grupo? At saka ako na lang sana hinayaan niya na magpaliwanag, o kaya naman hinintay niya muna na mas maging okay iyong sitwasyon. Hindi ’yung ganito na mainit iyong ulo naming lahat.

“So, all this time na pinapa-tulong mo si Jo sa surprise ng girlfriend mo?” Matt asked as his jaw began to clench again. I was afraid that he’d do something he’d regret later on kaya naman tumingin ako kay Simon para humingi ng tulong pero laking gulat ko ng tahimik siyang maglakad papunta kay Steele, at bigla na lang niyang sinuntok si Steele.

“Simon!” sigaw ko dahil sa bilis ng pangyayari. Hindi ako makagalaw sa sobrang gulat. Simon had been so fucking calm, ’di ko naman alam na bigla na lang siyang manununtok!

Steele didn’t seem surprised, but the side of his lips was already bleeding. Me? I didn’t know what to feel! This was what exactly what I was avoding!

“She’s your ex, then you made her help in surprising your present? Who fucking does that?!” sigaw ni Simon na akmang susuntukin na naman si Steele.

Mabilis kong hinawakan iyong braso ni Matt. “Matt…”

Ayokong masira iyong pagkakaibigan namin. This wasn’t what I wanted. Kaya nga ako umiwas para kapag kinausap ko sila, mas maayos na iyong pakiramdam ko. Na mas mapapaliwanag ko sa kanila. Na mas naiintindihan ko na iyong nangyari. Because I knew that opening up while the wounds were still fresh would do nothing but worsen the situation.

“Sorry,” Matt said. “The asshole deserves that.”

Shit! Why couldn’t I take a break?! Dapat talaga pumunta na lang ako ng Japan o kaya bumalik sa India!

“I know. I’m sorry,” Steele said, holding the side of his lips.

“Of all people? Ikaw pa ’yung gagawa kay Joey nun?” tanong ni Simon. “Ang laki mong gago.”

Hindi makapagsalita si Steele. He couldn’t even look at me… at anyone. ’Di ko alam kung nahihiya ba siya, o kung ngayon niya lang napapagtanto na mali iyong ginawa niya. I mean, fine, he broke up with me. Sige, ayaw niya na sa ’kin… pero bakit kahit kaunting respeto na sana ’wag naman sa harap ko, ’di niya magawa? Na ’wag niya naman sanang ipakita mismo sa harap ko na masaya na siya sa iba?

Sobrang hirap ba ’nun?

O sobrang wala lang siyang pakielam sa mararamdaman ko?

“I know we all did stupid shits, but I thought we both know that we don’t do shits to friends,” Simon said. “I thought that that was the limit.”

Steele looked at him. The side of his lips was already turning purple. “I fell out of love. Kasalanan ko ba?”

Simon’s jaw clenched. It was surprising to see him this affected dahil mas madalas na puro kalokohan lang siya. ’Di ko alam na siya pa pala ang pinaka magiging protective sa akin.

“Dude, I don’t care who you fall in love with—that’s your business. Ang ’di ko maintindihan, naging kayo pala ni Joey, tapos pina-tulong mo siya tuwing may ginagawa ka para kay Andrea! Ang kapal ba ng bungo mo, at ’di mo maintindihan na mali ’yung ginawa mo?”

“Matt naman,” sabi ko ulit. “Awatin mo sila.”

I didn’t like fighting. I didn’t like causing rifts. Much more when they’re between my friends.

Hindi sumagot si Matt, pero ramdam ko na galit lang siya, pero hindi siya nagsasalita. Kinakabahan ako kasi baka bigla na lang din siyang lumapit kay Steele, at suntukin niya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kapag bigla na lang silang nagsuntukan sa harap ko.

“I thought she already moved on,” Steele said. “I care about Joey. Kung alam ko, ’di ko naman gagawin.”

My lips parted. “Saang parte nitong mga nakaraang buwan mo naisip na naka-move on ako?” hindi ko makapaniwalang tanong. “Kapag ba umiiyak ako? O sumisigaw? O gumagawa ng walang kwentang dahilan para lang makaiwas tuwing kasama o pinag-uusapan niyo si Andrea?” sunud-sunod na tanong ko sa kanya. “Ano? Sagot!”

“Joey…” Steele said, running out of fucking excuses.

“Or did you cheat on me? Kasi ang bilis mong nagkaroon ng Andrea, e.”

“No!” Steele quickly replied. “Joey, I fucking fell out of love! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan? I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry because one day, I woke up and I didn’t love you anymore. I’m sorry! You kept on fucking telling me that you can’t control that you’re hurting, bakit ’di mo maisip na ’di ko rin naman ma-control ’yung nararamdaman ko?”

My hands began to tremble.

My chest was tightening.

I wanted to throw a punch, too.

So, I did what I know I needed to do.

I walked away.

Because my heart couldn’t take what he just said.

Because it felt like it was the answer I wasn’t ready to hear yet.

---

I kept on walking.

I didn’t know where my feet would lead me.

Ang alam ko lang, gusto kong malimutan iyong narinig ko. Kasi tama siya. Pero masakit na tama siya. Masakit na totoo. Kasi ’di ba ganon naman talaga? Isang araw mahal mo… sa susunod, hindi na.

Shit, ang daling sabihin, pero ang hirap kapag sa ’yo nangyayari. Na iyong tao na mahal mo, biglang hindi ka na mahal. Na lahat ng pinagsamahan niyo, mauuwi sa wala kasi… ayaw niya na.

Na iyon lang ’yung dahilan.

Pero dapat mong tanggapin…

Kasi nga ayaw niya na.

Bigla akong napaupo, hawak iyong dibdib ko. Panay lang iyong pagtulo ng luha ko. Hindi na ako maka-hinga. Sobrang sakit. Ang sakit kasi totoo. Ang sakit kasi hindi ko matanggap. Ang sakit kasi ganoon na lang ’yun.

“Joey?”

Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha ko nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Psalm. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa ako nag-abala dahil hindi naman maitatago iyong pamumula ng mga mata ko.

“Why are you on the ground?” he asked, then I felt him crouching beside me. “Have you seen Steele? He’s not answering.”

“Hindi,” mahina kong sabi. I felt him poking my side. “I need to be alone.”

“Jo…” biglang lumambot iyong boses niya. I heard him sighing. “You know, for the past few weeks, I’d seen you cry for six times already.”

“Pang-seven na ngayon, ano’ng point mo?” sabi ko habang pinipilit na pakalmahin iyong paghinga ko. Nagulat ako nung bigla niyang isiksik sa gitna ng braso ko iyong panyo niya. Iyong galing pa sa Rome dahil pina-bless nila.

“May Gatorade ka ba d’yan?” tanong ko.

“What flavor?” he asked as I hear him opening his bag.

“Yung red,” I replied.

“Whoever that guy is, he better be worth it,” he said, then handed me the bottle.

“He’s not,” I replied, then got his hanky, and wiped my tears. Wala naman akong magagawa dahil alam niya naman na umiiyak ako. At saka baka sakaling maging blessed ako kapag pinahid ko sa mukha ko ’yung panyo ni Psalm.

“I think he is. I mean, you’re crying because of him,” he said.

“Last na ’to.”

“Nah. I think you’ll still cry.”

“Ayoko na.”

“But you can’t control how you feel… at least that’s based on experience,” he said, shrugging.

“Bakit? Na-in love ka na ba bukod sa basketball?”

“Not really, no,” he said. “But Saint, he’s been in love with Imo for who knows how long. It’s been a pretty crazy ride, but at the end of the day, he still loves her. I think that’s how feelings go. You can’t control it.”

Naupo na ako nang tuluyan sa sahig. “Gusto ko nang magmove on. Ang hirap-hirap na.”

“You’ll move on. One day, wala na ’yan,” he said, patting my head.

“I wish it’s that easy…” I said, hugging my knees.

“You don’t force people to move on, same as you don’t force someone to eat when they’re already full.”

My lips parted in confusion. “You have the weirdest analogy,” sabi ko habang naiiling.

“So, who’s the guy?”

I looked at him. He’s Steele’s best friend. I didn’t want to cause a fight between them… not after Matt and Simon finding out the truth.

“I’ll tell you kapag okay na ako,” I promised him. Or maybe Steele would tell him. Basta ayoko ng gulo. I wanted to get out of this unscathed… with our friendship still safe.

“I don’t like seeing you cry.”

“Nakakapagod ba?”

“Not that,” he said. “But I don’t like the part where you constantly question yourself and your worth. I mean, you’re Joey! Why do you let someone dictate your worth? That’s so messed up.”

Natawa ako. “Thanks sa validation.”

“But really, it’s alright to fall in love and get hurt, but at least don’t let it destroy who you were before you met that person.”

He nodded, then stood up. He was looking down at me while he was standing up. I tried to reach for his hand. He held my hand, but before pulling me up to be with him. Akala ko may sasabihin siya, pero nagulat ako ng bigla niya akong yakapin.

“Everything will be fine,” he said, just hugging me, and gently patting the top of my head. “We’re always here for you.”

“Thank you,” I sincerely said because I was truly thankful to have people who got my back.

“He’s an idiot for letting you go,” he said, then I felt him resting his chin on the top of my head.

I smiled against his chest. “I think he really did love me… hanggang doon nga lang.”

Chapter 06

#ABNQ06 Chapter 06

Pagpasok ko pa lang sa classroom, masama na agad ang tingin sa akin ni Matt at Simon. Pagkatapos ko kasing makausap si Psalm, nagpasundo na agad ako sa driver. I just felt so spent after everything that happened. And I also wanted to fix myself first before I tell them everything… it just so happened that I needed the entire weekend to fix myself.

Psalm was waving at me when I entered the room. I waved back, but motioned that I’d sit with Matt and Simon first. Syempre kailangan kong mag-explain. Pinatay ko rin kasi iyong phone ko buong weekend, and told yaya na sabihin na wala ako sa bahay kapag may naghanap sa akin.

Yup. I was good at hiding from people.

“Sorry,” was my first word. Tinignan ko nang mabuti iyong mukha ni Matt at Simon, at mukha namang maayos sila dahil wala namang pasa o kung anuman… It seemed like Steele didn’t even throw a single punch.

“Okay ka na ba?” Matt asked.

I nodded. “Kinda.” I smiled. “Thanks for last time.”

“Sorry for being insensitive,” Simon said. “Di namin napansin na—”

I dismissed his apology by waving my hand. “Okay lang, grabe kayo. Okay na ako, promise.” But their face told me that they didn’t believe my words. “Ilang buwan na rin naman kaya medyo okay na talaga ako,” I said in my most convincing tone, but they still looked unbelieving.

I sighed. “Galit ba kayo sa ’kin?”

“Just pissed,” Simon said.

“But mad at Steele,” Matt continued, to which Simon nodded to.

“Kaya nga ’di ko muna sinabi kasi ayoko na ganito ’yung mangyari, e.”

“What were you expecting, Jo? That we’ll take his side?” Simon asked.

Umiling ako. “No. I don’t want anyone taking sides,” I carefully explained. “Look, I’d thought about this a lot. Ang mali ni Steele, ang gago niya. Ang mali ko, pumayag ako sa set-up namin kaya wala akong choice kung hindi maging mag-isa. And it’s also my fault that I couldn’t speak up… that it took you accidentally learning about what happened. But we’re both at fault. That’s it.”

Both of them shook their head. “You don’t get it, Jo. The problem here isn’t you being his ex. Ang problema dito, bakit niya dinadala si Andrea kung alam niya naman na kasama ka namin lagi?”

Matt looked so pissed. “And it makes me so furious kapag naaalala ko na lagi naming tinutukso si Steele na ang under niya kay Andrea,” he said, then apologetically looked at me. “Dude, I’m so fucking sorry,” sabi niya sa ’kin.

Napailing na lang ako na nangingiti. “Ano ba kayo, okay lang. You’re overthinking this.”

“No, we feel fucking guilty,” Matt said.

“Kasalanan ko naman kasi ’di ko sinabi,” I replied.

“But we’re your friends. We’re suppose to figure out that something’s off,” Simon said.

I shrugged. “I guess I’m just good at hiding how I feel…” I said though they hadn’t seen me cry for the past few months. Pero hindi naman na nila kailangang malaman. There’s no need to rub salt on the wound.

Nag-iisip ako kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanila na kausapin nila si Steele kasi alam mo ’yun? Bago pa nila ako nakilala, kaibigan na nila si Steele. Sayang naman ’yung friendship. At saka alam ko na nadala lang sila sa gulat kahapon kaya nila nagawa ’yun.

Sabi nga, time heals everything.

Someday, I’d be okay.

And in that someday, I hope that our friendship would still be in tact kasi kung hindi, nakaka-lungkot naman.

Napa-tingin kaming lahat kay Psalm nung hinatak niya iyong bakanteng upuan sa harap namin at tinalikod iyon. Naupo siya doon, at saka humarap sa amin.

“Have you heard from Steele?”

Biglang nag-iba iyong expression sa mukha nung dalawa. But I quickly landed on my feet. Balak ko kasi na si Steele ang magsabi kay Psalm para at least mapaliwanag niya nang maayos kung anuman ang side niya. Ang pangit na kasi nung nangyari kay Matt at Simon. Ayoko naman na ganoon din ’yung mangyari kay Psalm.

“Hindi, e,” tipid kong sagot.

“Ah…” Psalm said, then fiddled with his phone. “Andrea’s been texting me, asking about Steele.”

Nagulat ako nung biglang tumayo si Matt at Simon. Napa-tingin lang ako sa kanila, ’di alam ang gagawin.

“Tara,” Matt said.

I pointed at myself. “Ako?”

Simon nodded. “Caf muna tayo. Late yata si prof, e.” Weirded out, I stood up, too. Tumayo din kasabay ko si Psalm, pero sabi ni Simon, “Di ka kasama.”

My lips parted.

“What?” gulat na sabi ni Psalm. Kahit ako, ’di ko alam ang gagawin ko. Wala namang kasalanan si Psalm!

“May pagkain ka naman sa bag mo,” Matt said.

“Yeah, but—” Psalm said, but before he could finish his sentence, I was already being pulled away by Matt. Psalm looked so confused, and at the same time, offended. Kahit naman kasi ako nabigla, e! ’Di ko akalain na kayang gawin ’yun nila Matt.

“That was so rude!” sabi ko nung makalabas na kami. Hindi nagsasalita iyong dalawa kaya naman mas lalo lang akong nainis. I stopped walking midway kaya naman wala silang nagawa kung hindi ang huminto rin. I stared at them intently so that they’d take me seriously. “I didn’t tell you about what happened because this is exactly what I’d been avoiding,” I said.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Matt said. “But we respect your decision nung sinabi mo na ayaw mo munang sabihin—”

“That’s because—”

“Now, you have to respect our decision. We just don’t want you to listen to anything about Andrea and Steele.”

I sighed.

There’s really no winning. Kung sila Anj ang unang nakaalam, God knows what would have happened… pero ngayon na sila Matt at Simon ang nakaalam, they’re treating me like I was some lost kitten in need of protection. And it’s nice, really, but also, they didn’t need to do that to Psalm. He’s been really nice to me kahit ’di niya alam kung ano talaga ang problema ko.

“Fine,” I said, sighing. “Sasabihin ko sa kanila—”

“Hey, we’re not forcing you—”

“I know,” I said, cutting Matt off again. “Malalaman din naman nila kaya bakit papatagalin pa, ’di ba?”

Truth was, I wasn’t ready to tell them yet. Sa sarili ko, alam ko na na wala na talaga. Hindi naman na ako umaasa sa amin ni Steele. ’Di naman ako tanga para hindi maramdaman na mahal niya talaga si Andrea… I wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn’t. Yet. Kasi malungkot ako. Kasi malungkot pa rin ako.

But in time, I knew that I’d be happy again.

“If you’re not yet ready, don’t say anything yet,” Simon said after being silent for so long. ’Di ko alam kung ano ang pinag-iisipan niya. He’s the one who made us all friends… so I believed that it would be hardest for him kapag nasira lang lahat.

Kasi sayang naman talaga.

Kapag nawalan ka ng boyfriend, masakit. Pero kapag nawalan ka ng kaibigan? It’s a different kind of sadness. The one that will always be with you… and I don’t think it will ever go away. Palaging masakit lang. Palaging manghihinayang.

“You know, I don’t think that I’ll ever be ready because truth be told, I don’t really like talking about feelings,” I said, almost laughing at the irony because here I was, telling them about things that scare me. “Pero kaibigan ko rin naman sila kaya dapat din naman na malaman nila.”

Simon sighed, then patted my head. “Whatever you want, Jo.”

I smiled. “Thanks… but don’t be rude to Psalm again.”

“Because you like him?” Matt said.

“What? Hindi, ah!” mabilis kong sagot. “After what happened to Steele? No, thanks.”

Matt laughed, finally. “But with Psalm, you just have to compete with basketball for his attention,” he said, joining Simon in tousling my hair. Jerks. Ang hirap kaya magsuklay!

---

I didn’t know where to start.

Paano ba sasabihin kay Psalm na iyong tao na matagal niya nang itinatanong sa akin e palagi niya namang kasama? How do I say it without potentially ruining a friendship? They’d been best friends for so long, and I absolutely didn’t want to be the reason why they’d fight. I didn’t think it was worth destroying that. It already brought sadness to me for so long… ayoko na pati pagkakaibigan nila madamay.

It was already 8pm, and I was still at school. Sinubukan kong tawagan si Psalm, pero hindi siya sumasagot sa tawag. Tinawagan ko na rin si Austin at sabi niya, wala pa rin daw sa bahay si Psalm. Sabi niya, subukan ko sa gym kasi baka nagpa-practice.

“Kaya mo ’yan, Joey,” I said, doing a stupid peptalk with myself kahit na wala namang kwenta. My feet were walking towards the gym, but my head was begging me to turn the other way.

Wala ng masyadong tao sa campus. Maybe because classes tomorrow were already cancelled because of transport strike then there’s a holiday. Either way, people were already celebrating because of a long holiday. Kung hindi ganito ang sitwasyon, maybe I was already on my way to some place para magsaya. But I was here, stuck. Thinking about how to say anything at all.

Isang malalim na hinga pa.

“Just punch me.”

Bigla akong natigil sa paglalakad nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Steele.

Lumakas iyong tibok ng puso ko, pero nagawa ko pa ring lumapit para mas marinig iyong mga salita.

“Why will I punch you?”

Psalm? What the hell’s happening?

“Because I just told you about what happened, and it’s obvious that you’re pissed at me,” Steele said.

Psalm’s jaw clenched. He was tightly holding on a basketball. “Dude, I’m not pissed. I’m disappointed. How could you do that to Joey?”

Biglang sumikip iyong dibdib ko.

Biglang nanuyo iyong mga mata ko.

“She’s our friend. You say you love her, but you tossed her away because you thought you’re tired of her. You’re so disappointing,” he continued.

“Bakit ba ’di niyo maintindihan na—”

“You fell out of love?” Psalm said, dribbling the ball and shooting it inside the ring. “Because everything you did after the breakup tells me you never really did love her.”

Steele scoffed. “Says the guy who’s never been in a relationship.”

“Trust me, if ever I’ll be in one, I’ll never screw up like you did.”

Naglakad si Psalm papunta sa bola, at saka pinulot iyon.

“Just fucking punch me and get over it,” Steele said, pushing him lightly kaya nahulog iyong bola.

“No,” Psalm said. “If I punch you, it will relieve your conscience. And I don’t want to do you that favor.”

“Bakit ba masyado kang affected? Do you like Joey?”

Psalm looked at him. “Joey’s my friend, you fucking idiot. I don’t need to have feelings for her to know that you’re wrong. Why can’t you see that you’re wrong here?”

“Paanong mali na naman ako? Tangina, lahat ba ng ginawa ko, mali?! Minahal ko naman, kaya lang tapos na!” he shouted. Tahimik lang si Psalm, but his face looked so condescending that it frustrated Steele more. “Malay ko bang ’di pa siya nakaka-move on? Ilang buwan na!”

Psalm just shook his head, then picked up the ball.

“Just punch me!” sabi ni Steele.

“No.”

Steele pushed Psalm kaya nabitawan niya iyong bola na hawak niya. Fuck. Mag-aaway ba sila?!

“If you’re feeling so guilty, make it up to Joey, hindi ’yung naghahanap ka ng away dito,” Psalm said. He looked calm, but I knew that he’s just holding it in. Psalm rarely gets into fights. Napapaaway siya minsan—nung nabastos si Kitty sa bar. Doon ko lang nalaman na sanay palang makipag-away si Psalm.

“Fine,” Steele said, raising both his hands. “Lahat kayo kumampi kay Joey,” he continued, then walked away. Mabilis akong nagtago sa gilid dahil ayoko na malaman nila na nandito ako.

Nang makaalis si Steele, nagulat ako nang biglang mapahiga si Psalm sa sahig ng court. He was just staring at the wall above, deep in thoughts. I sighed. Hindi ko alam kung mas gusto ko ba na sana nagbugbugan na lang sila, at least maaalis nila sa sistema nila… hindi iyong ganito na nag-usap nga lang sila pero parang may nasira na… Na hindi na mababalik kahit ano pa iyong gawin.

“Idiot,” he said. “Fucking idiot,” he repeated before throwing the ball so hard that the sound reverberated inside the gym.

Chapter 07

#ABNQ07 Chapter 07

Luckily, weekend came fast. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. And like a routine, I turned off my phone. Buong weekend, gumawa lang ako ng mga homeworks. Nag-advance read na rin ako sa ibang subjects namin. I thought my parents would be proud because you know, I was actually studying, but my Dad sat me down and asked me if something’s wrong. He said he’s actually worried dahil hindi na ako lumalabas kagaya ng dati. At dahil ayoko naman sabihin sa kanya ’yung problema ko sa lovelife because that would be really weird, I just shrugged his question off.

“I’m fine, Dad, really,” I said, trying to convince him. My dad’s the doctor, so he’s more sensitive than my mom. Sa palagay ko nga dahil sa dami ng criminal na naka-usap ng nanay ko dahil sa trabaho niya e wala na siyang tiwala sa humanity.

It’s nice to have a dad who cares about my mental and emotional health, but it’s just weird sometimes.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“If you find it weird talking to your dad, kahit kay Manang ka makipag-usap. Basta may kausap ka.”

Natawa ako. “I find weird that you ended up with someone as stern as Mom.” My Dad’s one of the nicest people in the world. Some would say that doctors tend to become heartless overtime dahil palagi silang nakaka-kita ng pagkamatay. Thankfully, my dad’s still the sweetest guy on the planet.

Dad laughed, then tousled my hair. “Life’s mysterious, anak,” he said, then stood up. “I’ll be going to the hospital. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”

“Yes, dad,” I said, though he rarely replies kapag nasa trabaho siya kasi busy siya sa kung anu-anong neuro-shits niya. Mabuti na lang talaga pareho silang workaholic ng nanay ko kaya nagkaka-sundo sila sa late night shifts sa trabaho.

After talking to Dad, I tried to follow his advice, but even by just thinking about it, I was already dreading Monday. Makikita ko na kasi silang lahat. Wala akong tatakbuhan kasi nasa iisang classroom lang kami. Hindi kapag weekend na pwede akong magpatay ng phone, at pilitin si Manang na sabihin na wala ako kapag may naghanap sa akin.

Upon arriving at the room, I stopped abruptly. Pinakiramdaman ko iyong sarili ko. Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko.

“Mamaya na nga,” bulong ko bago akmang aalis para pumunta muna sa cafeteria. Napagdesisyunan ko na magpapa-late na lang ako ng sandali para at least pagdating ko sa classroom, nandun na ang prof namin. Para walang idle moment. Para walang rason para makipag-usap ako.

God, I was good at delaying the inevitable.

Pagdating ko sa caf, walang masyadong tao dahil nagsisimula na halos lahat ng klase. Bumili lang ako ng sandwich at tubig bago naghanap ng uupuan.

“Jo!” tawag ni Matt sa akin.

I sighed, bago lumapit sa kanila. “Morning,” I greeted. Naupo ako habang tahimik na kinain iyong sandwich ko. Sumasagot naman ako kapag tinatanong nila ako, pero alam ko na napansin nila na wala ako sa mood kaya naman tinigilan na nila akong tanungin.

A few minutes later, Psalm arrived. He was looking at us, looking confused and apologetic at the same time. Gosh. Wala naman siyang kasalanan kaya bakit ba ganyan ang itsura niya?

“Psalm!” I called. Matt and Simon looked surprised. “He knows. At saka isa pa, wala naman siyang kasalanan so there’s no need to be rude to him,” I said. Kahit ’di nila sa akin ginawa iyong ginawa nila kay Psalm the last time, feeling ko na-offend din ako.

Lumapit sa amin si Psalm. He was silent, which was so unusual, kaya naman mas na-konsensya ako. This problem of mine had caused more problems that desired. I couldn’t wait until this freaking ended!

“Hey, guys,” sabi niya. He was smiling, but it was not the same.

I smiled, then patted the space beside me. “Sorry daw sabi ni Matt at Simon.” Nanlaki iyong mata nung dalawa. “Nadala lang sila sa feelings.”

Napaawang iyong labi ni Simon. “Feelings?” hindi makapaniwala na sabi niya. Iyong mukha niya na parang ‘seryoso ka ba? Feelings? Wala ako nun; lalaki ako.’

I nodded. “Yeah. Sorry on behalf of everyone,” I said. “I’ll talk to Kitty and Anj para alam na ng lahat.”

Pagkasabi ko pa lang nun, nagsimula na agad na bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Ilang beses ko na nakausap si Anj, pero iba ’yung ngayon. Parang kahit paano ko sabihin, hindi maganda ang kalalabasan.

“Yeah, sorry, too,” Psalm said. Bakit nagsosorry ’to? Minsan, ang weird ng magkakapatid na GDL. Nagsosorry lang sila minsan kahit wala silang kasalanan. Feeling ko inaako nila lahat ng kasalanan para lang ayos na lahat.

Pagkatapos nun, kumain lang kami bago sabay-sabay na bumalik sa classroom. No one talked about what happened; it was like we’re all avoiding the subject because they all knew that still, it was a sore spot.

That talking about things like that shouldn’t be forced.

Na kapag ready na, magsasalita naman.

Na walang pilitan.

Psalm was telling a story about something—which I presumed was funny dahil tawa nang tawa iyong dalawa. Weird talaga ng mga lalaki. Parang nung isang araw lang para silang magsusuntukan, tapos ngayon okay na ulit sila.

Pagdating namin sa classroom, napa-tingin agad lahat sa amin dahil late pala kaming apat. I felt all of their eyes on us—especially the glare of Anj and the clueless stare of Kitty.

And of course, I couldn’t miss the bruised face of Steele dahil sa suntok ni Simon.

“Ang bagal niyo kasi,” singhal ko sa kanila. Nag-aaya na kasi akong umalis kanina, pero nagugutom daw sila.

“Food is life,” Psalm said, shrugging, as we made our way inside the room. Good thing mabait iyong prof namin kaya ’di kami pinagalitan.

Tahimik lang kaming lahat na nakikinig sa one-way na discussion ng prof kasi sa totoo lang, kinakausap niya lang iyong presentation niya. And like a good student, I didn’t bother taking notes dahil isesend naman sa amin iyong presentation.

After the class, nag-ayos na ako ng gamit.

“Hey, tuloy na natin iyong Tagaytay,” Simon said.

“Monday ngayon,” I replied.

“Balik tayo ng mga 11,” sulsol ni Matt.

“Sama!” sigaw ni Psalm. Napaka-chismoso nito! Nasa kabilang dako pa siya pero narinig niya! “Where are we going?” he asked, draping his arms on my shoulder and Matt’s shoulder. Tss. ’Di naman pala alam kung saan kami pupunta, pero sumama agad. Kaladkarin din talaga ’to, e.

While they were arguing if it’s actually a good idea to go to Tagaytay kahit may pasok bukas, biglang sumara nang malakas iyong pinto. Lahat kami napa-tingin doon dahil si Steele pala iyong nagsara.

“Siya pa galit,” namamangha na sabi ni Matt.

Simon said. “He’ll come to his senses.”

I ignored what they were saying because truth be told, nakakapagod isipin si Steele. Pakiramdam ko, itong mga nakaraang buwan ng buhay ko e puro tungkol sa kanya. It was high time that I chose myself. Ako naman.

“Guys!” masayang sabi ni Kitty sabay lapit sa amin. “Are you going somewhere? Sama naman kami ni Anj!” We all looked at her. I was about to say yes, when she continued with, “Pwede ba isama si Andrea? She was asking if free tayo, e. Treat niya naman if ever.”

Natahimik ako.

Lalo.

Walang nagsalita.

Parang magic iyong pangalan ni Andrea na nakapagpatahimik sa amin.

“Wag ka ng umasa, Kitty,” biglang sabi ni Anj. “Tayo na lang nila Andrea ’yung umalis.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

“Anj naman,” Matt said. “Sama kami? Libre namin.”

Anj glared at him. “Don’t Anj me, Matt! Akala niyo ba hindi namin napapansin ni Kitty? Palagi kayong magkasama! Kami lang ’yung laging naiiwan! Ano’ng gusto niyong maramdaman namin?! Hindi naman kayo nagsasabi! Para kaming tangang dalawa!”

I was frozen.

I knew this was my fault, but I didn’t know how to fix my mess.

“You don’t understand—”

“Because you all are not saying anything!” she shouted. Then she faced me, her face contorted in anger. “Sa ’yo ’to nagsimula, e! Ano ba kasing problema mo?!”

I opened my mouth, but words betrayed me.

Wala akong masabi.

Gusto kong magpaliwanag, pero walang salita ang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Gusto ko ng sabihin sa kanya para matapos ’to, pero hindi ko magawa.

“Anj, not here. Not now,” Psalm calmly said.

“Isa ka pa, e! Kayong lahat! Magsama kayo kung d’yan kayo masaya!” sigaw niya bago siya umalis. Mabilis niyang pinunas iyong luha na tumulo mula sa mga mata niya.

Shit.

I messed up so freaking bad.

“I… I’m sorry,” I whispered to no one. Naramdaman ko na naka-tingin silang lahat sa akin. “I’ll fix this. I promise.”

Naka-tingin silang lahat na parang naaawa sa akin. Nakakaawa naman yata talaga ako. Isang babae na maraming nararamdaman, pero walang masabi. I felt trapped inside my own body. There were so many things I wanted to say, but words failed me every single time.

I wanted to drown in my own thoughts, but I knew that I needed to say something… kasi hindi na lang naman ako ang naaapektuhan. Marami na kami.

Mabilis kong kinuha iyong bag ko.

“Jo,” Matt said.

I smiled. “Kakausapin ko lang si Anj. Sasabihan ko na lang kayo,” sabi ko. Walang nagawa sila Matt. Naglalakad na ako palabas sa pinto nang bigla akong abutan ni Psalm ng panyo.

“Ha?” tanong ko habang nasa harap ko iyong kamay niya.

“You’re crying,” he said. Bigla akong napahawak sa pisngi ko. Umiiyak pala ako.

“Uh, thank you,” sabi ko pagkatanggap ko ng panyo niya. Paglabas ko, halos tumakbo na ako para mahabol si Anj. Naglakad ako papunta sa lugar na madalas naming pinupuntahan kapag gusto lang naming mag-isip.

Shit.

Bigla akong napahinto nang makarating ako. Guilt washed over me. I couldn’t even remember the last time I was here. Kasi palagi lang akong mag-isa. Kasi iniiwasan ko siya. Kasi ako naman iyong unang umiwas.

Nakita ko na nakaupo sa isang gilid si Anj. Her shoulders were shaking. She was crying. Shit.

Ilang segundo na nakatayo lang ako doon. Hindi ko alam kung paano siya lalapitan. Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan.

Hindi ko nabilang kung gaano ako katagal na nakatayo lang doon bago niya napansin na nandoon ako. Mabilis siyang nagpunas ng luha gamit ang kamay niya. Gusto kong ibigay sa kanya iyong hawak kong panyo, pero hindi ako makagalaw.

“What?” galit na sabi niya sa akin.

I was begging myself to say something… kahit sorry lang… pero walang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Para akong tanga na nakatayo doon, nag-iisip ng paraan kung paano maaayos ’to.

Kung may pag-asa pa bang maayos ’to.

“Anj,” I began. I could barely hear my voice, but I knew that I sounded scared… afraid… because I didn’t know what to say, how to explain myself. How to explain that I couldn’t say anything to her dahil may pumipigil sa akin.

“Ano?” galit na sabi niya pagkatapos punasan iyong luha.

“Sorry.”

Napaawang iyong labi niya. “Sorry?” hindi makapaniwala niyang sabi. “Ilang buwan, tapos sorry lang ang sasabihin mo?” May isa pang bumagsak na luha. Galit na naka-tingin siya sa akin habang pabilis nang pabilis iyong pagtulo ng luha. “Ang tagal kong hinintay na kausapin mo ako. Sa sobrang tagal, nawalan na ako ng gana. Tapos ngayon, sorry lang?”

Patuloy sa pagbagsak iyong luha niya.

Ang hirap kasi dati, kaming dalawa iyong nagdadamayan; ngayon, kaming dalawa iyong nagsasakitan.

Bakit kasi hindi madaling magsalita?

Bakit hindi madaling magpaliwanag?

“Anj…” sinubukan kong sabihin. Nanginginig iyong mga labi ko. “I…” sinubukan ko, pero hindi ko mailabas iyong mga tamang salita. “I’m sorry.”

There was a wry amusement on her face. “Oh, my god! I don’t need another apology, Joey! I need an explanation! Kung bakit mo ako iniiwasan, kung ano ang nangyayari! Kasi para na talaga akong tanga kakaisip kung ano ang nangyayari, na parang ako na lang ’yung walang alam!”

Parang nanuyo iyong lalamunan ko.

Kung sana madaling sabihin.

“I… Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula,” mahinang sabi ko.

“Pero sa iba, kaya mong sabihin? Sa akin, hindi mo magawa?”

“Anj, paano ko sasabihin kung ganyan na wala pa akong sinasabi, parang alam mo na lahat?” sabi ko sabay pagbagsak ng luha ko. “Alam mo naman na hindi madali sa ’kin magsabi. Kaibigan kita, sabi mo, ’di ba? Dapat alam mo na ganito ako. Dapat imbes na ganyan ka, sana mas inintindi mo ako.”

Mabilis na nagsisimulang sumikip iyong dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko hindi na ako makahinga, pero alam ko na kailangan ko ng tapusin ngayon. Kasi kung hindi ngayon, kailan pa?

“Kasi wala kang sinasabi!” sigaw niya.

“Kaya ba ang dali sa ’yong husgahan ako? Kasi wala akong sinasabi? Kasi wala kang alam kaya mas okay sa ’yo na bumuo ng kwento d’yan sa utak mo?”

Napaawang ang labi niya. “Bakit ako pa ’yung masama ngayon?! Ilang beses kitang tinanong, Joey! Hindi mo ako pinansin! Tapos biglang lahat sila, alam kung ano’ng problema mo, tapos ako lang ’yung hindi?! Sino bang matutuwa ’dun?!”

“Hindi ko naman sinabi sa kanila! Nalaman lang nila!”

“Puro ka dahilan!” sigaw niya sa ’kin. Kung pwede lang, ayokong tumingin sa mga mata niya kasi hindi ko na makita ’yung kaibigan ko na dati kaya kong pagsabihan ng kahit ano.

“Hindi ako puro dahilan. Hindi ka lang marunong maghintay,” sabi ko sabay punas sa luha ko. “Pero para matahimik ka, sasabihin ko na sa ’yo.”

Hinawakan ko iyong dibdib ko. Mahina kong hinampas iyon para makahinga ako. Hindi ako makapagsalita nang maayos dahil sa pag-iyak ko, pero pinilit ko dahil kailangan kong sabihin sa kanya. Kasi pakiramdam ko, utang ko sa kanya na magpaliwanag. Kasi kaibigan ko siya.

“Di ba dati lagi mong sinasabi na ang tanga nung mga babae na pumapatol kay Steele? Kasi alam naman nila na malandi lang talaga ’yung tao, pero pumapatol sila?” sabi ko sabay punas ng luha ko. “Ako namang si tanga, kahit alam ’yun, pumatol pa rin.”

Napaawang iyong labi niya.

“Alam ko naman na may mali nung sinabi niya na ’wag naming sabihin, pero pumayag pa rin ako. Kasi first time ko ma-in love, e. Tanga lang. Gustung-gusto kong sabihin sa ’yo, kaya lang natatakot ako na baka ganito nga ’yung sabihin mo. Na tanga ako. Kasi alam ko naman. Ang tanga ko nga kasi bigla niya na lang akong iniwan. Tapos biglang may Andrea na. Tapos nandyan kayo ni Kitty na tuwang-tuwa kay Steele kasi akala niyo nagbago na. Saan ako sisingit? Paano ko sasabihin na nasasaktan ako kung nakikita ko na proud kayo kay Steele? Ang hirap naman kasi, Anj. Ang dali lang sabihin na sabihin ko, pero ang hirap gawin.”

Humihingal ako, pero alam ko na dapat magpatuloy pa rin ako.

“Ang hirap kasi magsalita man ako o hindi, may masasabi pa rin. Saan ako lulugar?”

Walang nagsalita sa amin. Naghihintay ako na may sabihin siya. Gusto ko na kasi marinig para matapos na. Kasi nasaktan naman na ako, ano ba ’yung madagdagan pa?

“I… didn’t know,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.” Iyon lang ang sinabi niya.

I nodded, tears falling down. “I’m sorry din.”

We stared at each other.

We both apologized.

But we both knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

Chapter 08

#ABNQ08 Chapter 08

I still needed to meet with one of my professors, but I was still crying inconsolably. Agad na nagtext ako sa driver para sunduin ako. I didn’t think it was a good idea to meet with my prof while I was crying like this. And I didn’t think that it was a good idea to walk around the campus looking like this.

Naglakad ako papunta sa may puno, at saka naupo doon. Niyakap ko ’yung binti ko habang nakayuko. My phone kept on vibrating, but I had no heart to answer it. Pagpinuntahan nila ako dito, iiyakan ko lang sila. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Mas masakit ’yung dibdib ko ngayon kaysa nung sabi ni Steele na ayaw niya na.

“There you are.”

I didn’t need to raise my head to know who was in front of me.

“Been looking everywhere,” he said. I felt him crouching in front of me. Nakikita ko iyong binti niya sa harap ko. Sumilip din siya sa pagitan ng mga braso ko kaya nakita ko ’yung mala-broccoli niyang buhok.

I remained silent. I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. I was emotional as heck. And I didn’t like talking when I was full of emotion kasi baka kung ano ’yung masabi ko. Hindi na kasi nababawi ’yung salita kapag nasabi mo na. Nandyan na ’yan. Naka-sakit na ’yan.

“Still in the mood for Tagaytay?” he asked. I felt him now sitting beside me. “Though it’s only the two of us. Matt and Simon’s with Anj.” Biglang napaangat iyong ulo ko. “Jesus, you’re all red,” sabi ni Psalm sabay bukas ng bag, at abot ng Gatorade.

“K-kasama niya si Anj?” I asked, stuttering because tears were still falling. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako matatapos umiyak. Iyong kapag akala ko tapos na, pero kapag nagsalita ako, biglang tutulo na lang sila.

He nodded, then opened the cap for me. “Yeah. We tossed a coin. I was assigned to look for you.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” sabi niya. “Are you alright?”

Uminom muna ako ng Gatorade bago tumango. “Nasabi ko na kay Anj.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I figured. She was also crying.”

“Puntahan mo na lang din kaya si Anj? Iniisip kasi nun na puro ako—”

“You don’t think you need someone?” he asked. I shrugged; he wrinkled his nose.

“Hindi naman sa ganon—”

“There’s no shame in asking for help.”

I sighed. “Thanks pala na nandito ka.”

He nodded. “Of course, we’re friends,” he said. “So, you alright with Anj?”

Umiling ako. “Di ko alam. Nag-usap naman kami. Nagsorry kami. Pero alam mo ’yun? Hindi na kagaya ng dati. May nagbago na.”

Hindi ko masabi kung ano iyong eksakto na nararamdaman ko. Basta alam ko na may iba na. Parang biglang may harang na. Parang biglang may pader na.

“It’s alright,” he said, patting the top of my head. “You know what they say… When people grow, they grow apart.”

I smiled sadly. He was right; but for some reasons, I didn’t want him to be right. Kasi nasasayangan ako sa memories. Ang tagal ng pinagsamahan namin tapos biglang wala na lang… pero hindi rin naman kasi pwedeng pilitin. Nakakailang. Iba sa pakiramdam.

“This sucks,” I said, groaning.

“It’s alright,” he repeated, then kept on patting the top of my head na feeling ko aso na ako.

---

Psalm volunteered to go to the professor on my behalf para sabihin na may ‘emergency’ kaya hindi ako makakarating. Dumiretso na ako sa bahay. Mabuti na lang wala pa iyong parents ko kaya hindi nila ako masa-psychoanalyze.

Kinabukasan, hindi ko alam kung bakit pero bigla akong nilagnat. My dad told me to just drink plenty of water—hindi na ako nagtaka dahil ito naman lagi niyang sinasabi sa akin. ’Wag ko raw kasi sanayin iyong katawan ko sa gamot kung pwede namang tubig lang.

“Joey, nandyan e mga kaibigan mo,” sabi ni yaya habang naka-higa lang ako sa kama. “Papaakyatin ko ba?”

I groaned. Bawal magpapasok ng mga lalaki sa kwarto ko, pero may sakit ako. Alangan namang gumulong ako pababa?

“Okay po,” I said while my head was pounding like hell. I closed my eyes until I heard them talking so loud. Nandito na nga sila.

“So… you’re really sick,” sabi ni Simon habang naka-tingin sa akin.

“Bakit naman ako magpapanggap?”

He shrugged. “Alam mo kasing may test ngayon.”

I was too weak, but I managed to glare at him. “Wag mong ipasa sa ’kin ’yung ginagawa mo,” sabi ko sa kanya. Doctor din kasi ’yung nanay niya kaya palagi niyang pinapagawa ng medical certificate kapag ’di siya nakapag-aral. Mga style nito. Si Psalm naman, puro certificate na kailangan siya sa official function sa palace. Daming dahilan kapag tamad mag-aral.

Simon sat on the beanbag habang pinapakailaman iyong TV ko. Si Matt naman, pinakailaman iyong ref ko na puro chocolate lang ang laman. Si Psalm iyong umupo ng medyo malayo sa akin.

“What?” he asked while I was looking at him. “I can’t be sick. May game bukas.”

“Wow,” I said. “Bakit pumunta pa kayo dito?”

“Bored,” they all replied. “Early cut. May meeting yata admin,” Matt continued.

I closed my eyes as I was feeling really tired. Pagdilat ng mga mata ko, tutuk na tutok si Matt at Simon sa pinapanood nila sa Netflix habang si Psalm naman, mas lumayo sa akin. Grabe, nakaka-offend! Lagnat lang naman ang meron ako, hindi naman nakakahawa… yata.

“Sent the screenshot of the homework,” Psalm said.

“Thanks.”

“Also, there’s a pair work. Tayo partners, okay lang?”

“Si Steele?” I asked. Usually kasi, sila ni Steele magkapartner tapos kami naman ni Anj… pero syempre iba na ngayon.

He shrugged. “He’s not talking to me.”

“Magsorry ka na lang. Hobby mo naman, ’di ba?”

Kinunutan niya ako ng noo. Biglang may lumipad na unan sa mukha ni Psalm na binato pala ni Matt. “Hoy, baka may ma-develop.”

Binato pabalik ni Psalm iyong unan, pero mas malakas kaya napa-mura si Matt. Malakas siguro nga kasi minsan napanood ko si Psalm na binato ’yung bola mula dulo pa-dulo ng court, e.

“Sinasabi ko lang,” Matt said after recovering. “Fragile ’yang si Joey.”

“Ugh. Kadiri kayo.”

“Hey!” Psalm said, sounding offended.

“No offense, ’di kita type,” I honestly said. Gwapo siya, oo. Matalino, oo. Pero alam mo ’yun? Ang tagal na kasi naming magkaibigan kaya nakita ko na lahat ng kalokohan nito. Nung una, oo medyo naging crush ko siya, pero immuned na siguro ako kasi araw-araw kong nakikita, e.

“Ang harsh talaga nitong tao na ’to,” tawa nang tawa na sabi ni Matt. “Magulat ka, isang araw, binabasag mo na rin windshield ni Psalm.”

“O kaya may GDL merch ka na rin,” tawa nang tawa na sabi ni Simon sabay nag-appear pa silang dalawa ni Matt. Legit kasi na maraming fans iyong magkakapatid sa school. As in minsan medyo weird kasi alam mo ’yun? Kaibigan mo lang si Psalm na nakikita mo palagi tapos pagdating sa ibang tao, kinikilig makita lang sila?

It’s so bizarre.

“Ha-ha,” I faked laugh. “Bakit nga kasi kayo nandito?”

“Gusto mong malaman? Baka kiligin ka,” Matt said.

“Mukha mo,” sagot ko.

“Pupunta kasi si Psalm dito, kaya sumabit kami.”

“I was just gonna bring her noodle soup!” Psalm said, sounding defensive.

“Nasaan na ’yung noodle soup?” tanong ko.

“These asshole ate it,” Psalm said.

“What? Traffic papunta dito, Joey! Nagutom kami sa daan!” Matt said, sounding defensive, too. “Ubos na ’yung laman ng bag ni Psalm, so no choice kami.”

God, they’re so noisy! Paano ako makakapagpahinga kung ang ingay nila?

“Ang ingay,” I groaned.

“San ka pupunta?” Matt asked when Simon stood up.

“Hihinging pagkain,” sabi ni Simon. Iba talaga kapag feel at home na mga kaibigan mo. Ang kapal manghingi ng pagkain. Hula ko magpapaluto pa sila kay Manang, e.

“Sama!” Matt said.

“Iiwan mo ’yung dalawa?” Simon said, pointing at Psalm and me.

“Kadiri kayo!” sigaw ko.

“Ayun, oh. Kapag kay Psalm, nagkaka-energy agad,” Matt teased.

I pulled the pillow, and placed it over my face, then groaned. Ang gulo nila! Narinig ko na tawa lang sila nang tawa hanggang sa wala na akong marinig. Pagtanggal ko ng unan sa mukha, nakita ko si Psalm na nandun pa rin sa beanbag. I swear, mas malayo na siya ngayon! Takot na takot lang mahawa!

“Hoy, hindi kita crush,” paglilinaw ko lang.

“Same,” he replied.

“Baka kasi magfeeling ka.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Crush mo ba ko?”

Ugh! Bakit ba siya nagsasalita ng Tagalog?! Dapat Englishero lang siya lagi.

“Asa,” I said, scoffing.

“Then just brush it off if it’s not true,” he said, shrugging. Palibasa sanay na sanay na siya makarinig na may nagkaka-crush sa kanya. Mas nakaka-panibago yata sa pandinig niya kapag walang reaksyon sa kanya ang babae, e.

I just stared at the ceiling while Psalm’s busy with his phone. “Ano’ng ginagawa mo?” I asked him when I noticed that he’s busy fiddling with his phone.

“Saint,” he replied. “He’s making a bet.”

“Tungkol saan?” I asked. One thing about Psalm, he couldn’t resist placing a bet.

“Don’t know yet. But if I lose, I have to add Kath in facebook,” he said, his eyes still on the screen.

“Kath?” I asked, my eyebrow arching.

“Imo’s friend,” he simply replied. “You little fucker,” bulong niya habang naka-tingin pa rin sa phone niya. Bigla siyang tumayo. “Gotta go, Jo.”

“Pupuntahan mo si Kath?” I teased.

“Jealous?” he asked.

“Hindi nga kasi!” sabi ko sa kanya. “Sige na, bye!”

Psalm laughed. “A’ight. Bye, Jo! See you tomorrow, hopefully!” he said before almost running towards the door. Paglabas niya, biglang pasok ni Matt at Simon na parehong may dalang bowl na may laman na Koko crunch. Pareho silang umiiling.

“Hindi nga kasi!” sigaw ko sa kanila.

“Fragile,” sabay nilang sagot habang umiiling.

---

Pagbalik ko sa school, medyo kinakabahan ako. I mean, paano ako gagalaw? Friends pa rin ba kami? Normal pa rin ba? Paano?!

I was so confused that I texted Psalm if pwede bang sabay kami pumasok.

“Sorry,” I said. “Kinakabahan kasi ako, e.”

“It’s alright,” he said, shrugging. Nagsimula na kaming maglakad. Mabuti nga hindi siya natitisod kasi panay ang tingin niya sa phone niya, e. “Aww fu—” sabi niya nung muntik na siyang ma-out of balance dahil nagtetext habang naglalakad.

“Sino ba kasi ’yang kausap mo?”

“Saint,” he said again. “He’s driving me crazy.”

“Bakit?”

“The fucker took a picture of me while I was sleeping, then sent it to Kath!” sabi niya.

Napaawang ang labi ko. ’Di ko alam kung matatawa ba ako o matatakot? Ang creepy naman kasi!

“Pakita naman nung Kath!”

“Why?” he asked. “Jealous?”

Tinignan ko siya nang masama. “Alam mo, kaka-jealous mo niyan sa ’kin, baka ma-develop ka.”

Natawa na lang si Psalm sabay pakita sa akin nung picture nung Kath. Oh, wow! Seryoso na fangirl ’to ni Psalm? Ang ganda, e!

“Baka naka-drugs ka or ilusyon mo lang ’to?” tanong ko habang nagsscroll ng pictures niya sa profile niya. In fairness, ang dami niyang selfie. Parang meron kada araw. Pero ang ganda niya talaga kaya parang ang hirap na maniwala na magpapaka-creepy siya para lang sa picture ni Psalm.

“You really know how to offend a guy,” he said, taking his phone from me.

“Ang ganda naman. ’Di mo gusto?” I asked, placing my hands inside my pocket. Medyo malapit na kami sa room. Medyo bumibilis na iyong tibok ng puso ko.

“I don’t really know her,” he said.

“Sabihin mo kay Saint pakilala ka.”

“I just don’t want to date someone who’s friends with someone close to me. Hassle.”

“Bakit naman?” I asked though I already shared the same sentiment. I just wanted to get his perspective. Minsan kasi, nakaka-gulat mga iniisip niya. He seemed so mature for his age. At saka ang contradicting niyang tao. Minsan magulo siya, pero kapag seryosong bagay, ang seryoso niya rin.

“What if it doesn’t work out? I don’t want people taking sides.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Ikaw, ’di ka naman nagtake sides, ’di ba?” Nung tinanong ko siya, kaibigan pa rin naman daw niya si Steele. Hinihintay niya lang na matauhan at ma-realize iyong kasalanan niya.

“Well, people are different, Joey. You can’t expect the same reaction from everyone.”

I nodded. “Yeah, but if… what if she’s the one? Ayaw mo lang kasi hassle? Ganon lang?”

He just shrugged, then put his phone inside his pocket. “If she’s the one, it’ll happen. You know those shits about destiny? I kinda believe in them.”

“Ang cheesy mo!”

Natawa siya. “I’m serious, tho! I’ll meet her when it’s time. I’m not rushing into anything.”

“Sayang panahon.”

“I don’t think so. I’m thinking of this as me working on myself. Para kapag kilala ko na siya, mas maayos na akong tao.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. I just… wow. This broccoli head’s one deep vegetable.

Chapter 09

#ABNQ09 Chapter 09

What Psalm said really got stuck inside my head. I mean, he did have a point. What’s the point of rushing into things? What’s the point of dating someone kung hindi rin pala sigurado? But on the other side, how would you know if you wouldn’t give it a shot? Still… I didn’t want to date the wrong person again. Kasi masakit kaya maiwan. Masakit sa puso; masakit sa pride. You’d constantly wonder where you’re lacking. Bakit iniwan ka? Bakit naghanap ng iba?

Sobrang nakaka-doubt ng pagkatao.

I was sitting alone inside the room. Wala iyong mga lalaki kasi may game sila. Usually, we’d all cut class para makanood ng game. Pero ngayon? Medyo weird. Kitty waved at me, but then she sat beside Anj. Naiintindihan ko naman. Anj was acting all weird around me. She’d try to wave or smile, but would stop. Ako rin naman. And it’s just sad dahil dati sobrang comfortable namin sa isa’t-isa. Now, we couldn’t even smile at each other.

“When will you two talk again?” Kitty said, frowning. “It’s hard to be in the middle of it, you know.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I know. Sorry,” I told her. Among us all, si Kitty iyong pinaka-nahihirapan kasi siya ’yung dependent sa grupo. Bunso kasi namin.

“Anj wants to talk to you, but she doesn’t know how.”

“Me, too.”

“Steele is so stupid,” she said, huffing. “What did you even see in him, Joey?” seryosong tanong ni Kitty. “I mean, I thought if there’s someone na boyfriend material sa friends natin, it would either be Simon or Psalm… definitely not Steele.”

I shrugged. “Beats me, too,” I said, not wanting to discuss the reason why I fell for Steele. Right now, I just wanted what happened to be a distant memory. Because even after everything that happened, I still wouldn’t deny that Steele made me happy. Kahit sandali lang. I still wanted to keep the fond memories, and let go of the ones that haunt me.

Kitty leaned on my shoulder, and hugged me. “You’re okay na ba? If not, I can stay here and listen.”

Natawa ako. “Aren’t you busy, Ms. Student Council Secretary?”

“I’ll tell them I’m sick if you need me here.”

“I’m fine, I promise,” I replied. “At saka hinihintay ko lang si Manong.”

“You want me to ask my driver to drive you home?” she offered.

I shook my head. “No. Sa BGC lang naman si Manong, nagpa-sundo kasi si Jax,” I said. Biglang namula iyong mukha ni Kitty. May crush kasi siya kay Jax na hindi ko maintindihan. I just find it weird because he’s my brother… but I guess for other people he’s attractive. I just couldn’t see it because he’ll forever be the guy who broke my arms before dahil nire-wrestling ako.

“Ah,” Kitty said with her mouth-wide open.

“No, wala pa rin siyang girlfriend. Yes, sobrang busy niya pa rin. Yes, I still subtly mention you kapag nakakapag-usap kami,” sabi ko. Nahihiya kasi siyang magtanong about Jax kaya vino-volunteer ko na lang iyong information. I mean, kung magkaka-girlfriend man ’yung maarte kong kapatid, si Kitty na lang.

“You’re the best!” Kitty said, hugging me tighter. Her phone vibrated—nagtext siguro iyong SC.

“Sige na, una ka na. Maghihintay lang ako dito,” I said, smiling. She was still a little hesitant—I was unsure if dahil ayaw niya ako iwan mag-isa or if she wanted to stay para makita si Jax kapag sinundo ako. But eventually, she had to leave because it seemed like the council wouldn’t run if she’s not there.

God, they’d make a great couple. Parehong sobrang busy palagi.

A little later, dumating na sa wakas si Manong. Dumiretso ako sa loob dahil pagod na ako at gusto ko na umuwi.

“Yung libro mo nga,” sabi ko kay Jax dahil nasa uupuan ko iyong mga libro niya. Magkano kaya budget nito sa libro? Ang dami, e! Tapos puro hardbound pa.

He silently got the books out of my way, and put them at the back. After that, he resumed to reading one of his whatever. Ang sipag niya mag-aral! Ako nga excited na grumaduate dahil tamad na tamad na ako mag-aral, e! Siya naman hindi na nadala at naglawschool pa.

“Oh, my God,” tawang-tawang sabi ko nung biglang magnotify sa screen niya iyong Tinder app. “Nagtitinder ka?” Gosh, maiiyak na ako sa katatawa! Sino’ng mag-aakala na iyong kapatid ko na tahimik at parang walang pakielam sa mundo e may Tinder?!

“Shut up,” he said, taking his phone and hiding it. “Shit,” sabi niya sabay bura sa app. Naka-silip kasi ako. Hindi kasi ako makapaniwala! Wala sa personality niya!

I cocked my head. “So… Tinder, huh?”

“I didn’t install it. Pinakailaman ’yung phone ko.”

“Sure…”

“Hindi nga.”

I shrugged. “So, nakaka-ilang date ka na?” tanong ko sa kanya. Umigting iyong panga ni Jax—sign na malapit niya na akong hambalusin ng libro niya, pero hindi ako tumigil. This was once in a lifetime opportunity kaya naman hanggang makarating kami sa bahay, hindi ko siya tinigilan. Come dinner time, himalang kumpleto kaming apat, I made an announcement na may Tinder si Jax. Gulat na gulat parents namin at mukhang lulubog na sa kahihiyan si Jax.

God, this was a good day.

---

Kinabukasan, I was in a good mood because of my brother.

“Good mood?” Matt asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, why?”

“Nothing,” he replied. “Akala ko default na bad mood ka palagi, e.” Hinampas ko nga siya. “What? Ilang buwan kang naka-simangot!”

I glared at him. “San ’yung dalawa?”

He wiggled his brows. “Yung dalawa? Baka isa lang hinahanap mo,” he teased, and that earned him the middle finger.

Matt laughed, but then answered my question. “Si Simon, bumibili ng pagkain. Si Psalm, kasama ng mga kapatid niya.” I just nodded, and then put out my phone. I had this feeling na late iyong professor namin (as usual) kaya nagfacebook muna ako. Matagal na rin kasi mula nung huli akong nagbukas dahil iniiwasan kong makabasa ng mga bagay na hindi kaaya-aya.

“Oh…” bigla kong sabi nang makita ko iyong Psalm Gomez de Liaño is now friends with Kathryn Chandria Padilla.

“Selos?” Matt said after peeping at my phone.

“Hindi nga kasi!” sabi ko. Ilang linggo na kaya nila akong tinutukso. Baka biglang maniwala si Psalm tapos mailang sa ’kin ’yun. At saka ang weird lang… Best friend ni Psalm si Steele. Kahit saang anggulo, ’di maganda tignan.

“Defensive naman!” Matt said.

I rolled my eyes. “Hindi naman kasi talaga. At saka baka mailang si Psalm kakatukso niyo ni Simon,” I said, hoping that my point would come across kasi minsan, ako na ’yung naiilang kapag tinutukso nila ako.

“Hindi ’yun.”

“At saka may Kath na siya.”

“Selos ka?”

“Gusto mo masuntok?” Tumawa siya. “At saka after nung nangyari kay Steele, hindi muna ako uulit,” I said. Natatakot pa rin ako mag-effort tapos mauuwi sa lahat. Mag-invest ng feelings sa tao na bigla kang sinukuan. I was just not ready to risk it all again.

Shit.

Fragile nga yata ako.

“Sabi mo, e,” Matt said. Thankfully, Simon came a little after. Si Psalm, late na dumating—mas late pa siya sa prof namin. After ng class, mabilis siyang umalis ulit dahil may pupuntahan yata. He just waved and smiled at me before running.

“Shut up,” I said to Matt after I saw him grinning matapos kong kumaway kay Psalm habang papalabas siya. Ang lakas talaga mang-asar ng mga lalaki!

“What?” I asked after Simon stopped walking. Papunta sana kami sa cafeteria para kumain.

“Emergency meeting,” he said then looked at Matt. Ah, about basketball. “Habol kami, Joey,” Simon said, tousling my hair before running towards the gym. Kapag kasi late sila, ilang round ng suicide sprints ang gagawin nila kaya ayaw nila na nale-late kapag may meeting or practice.

Dumiretso na ako sa cafeteria dahil nagugutom na talaga ako. I tried to wait for them, but a few minutes later, I figured that they wouldn’t be returning so I went to the library, instead. May ilang oras pa kasi bago iyong susunod na class at hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

I grabbed a few books to read, but then my phone seduced me kaya naman binuksan ko muna iyong facebook app.

“I don’t date friends pa more…” bulong ko habang nakikita ko sa newsfeed ko iyong Psalm Gomez de Liaño liked Kathryn Chandria Padilla’s photo. Wala ka na talagang matatago sa facebook, e. Lahat nagnonotify.

After scrolling down and seeing some things I didn’t want to see, pinatay ko na iyong phone ko. Kinuha ko iyong libro at nagsimulang magbasa. I also began taking notes because why not? I mean, ’di man ako magiging lawyer kagaya ni Jax, the least I could do was to not have failing grades.

From: Eldest Broccoli

Joey

Himala, nagtext. Lately sobrang busy kasi ni Psalm—busier than before since captain siya ng basketball team this year. I mean, okay lang naman sa akin na busy siya since buhay niya naman. I guess medyo nasanay lang ako na palagi niya akong sinasamahan.

To: Eldest Broccoli

What

From: Eldest Broccoli

Mad?

To: Eldest Broccoli

Hindi. Ano’ng maipaglilingkod ko?

From: Eldest Broccoli

I lost to Saint.

To: Eldest Broccoli

And that concerns me how?

From: Eldest Broccoli

I have to drive Kath home. Can’t go to the mall with you later. Sorry.

Biglang hindi ko alam kung ano ang irereply ko. Ano naman ang sasabihin ko? Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng pigilan kasi buhay niya naman ’yun, at saka kung anuman pinagpusatahan nila ni Saint. Tsk. Bakit ba ako nag-iinarte na ganito? ’Di ko naman pag-aari si Psalm.

To: Eldest Broccoli

Yup, sure. Drive safely.

From: Eldest Broccoli

Are you mad? I can pick you up after naman.

To: Eldest Broccoli

Hindi ah. Wala ka namang responsibility sakin. Sige na, may ginagawa ako. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Syempre dinamihan ko iyong letter e para hindi naman magmukhang nag-iinarte ako or may problema ako na ihahatid niya si Kath or what kasi wala naman talaga. But after that, I decided to throw my phone inside my bag. Nagfocus muna ako sa pagbabasa dahil at least ang edukasyon, hindi ako iiwan o papaasahin.

After more than an hour, I still had another hour to kill bago magsimula iyong klase. Hindi ko na kayang magbasa dahil feeling ko sasabog na sa information iyong utak ko. Ayoko rin magfacebook dahil na-realize ko na mas okay na ’di ako updated sa mga nangyayari sa ibang tao. I mean, I could barely handle myself and my problems, makiki-chismis pa ba ako sa iba?

My phone vibrated.

I debated.

I lost.

Kinuha ko iyong phone ko tapos nakita ko na si Jax lang pala. Sabi niya, late daw siya uuwi. Tsk. May date siguro. Bakit ba lahat sa paligid ko may ka-date?!

“Wala namang masama…” bulong ko sa sarili ko habang nagdodownload ng Tinder. “It’s harmless…” sulsol ko pa. “Gusto ko lang ng kausap… Busy lahat ng tao…” pagtatanggol ko. “Busy sa basketball sila Matt. Busy sa SC si Kitty. Busy kay Kath si Psalm…”

I was internally debating as the app finished downloading.

“Ah, screw it,” I conceded as I freaking registered. As I did so, I prayed that no one I knew would stumble upon me in this app. Kasi weird! At saka alam ko na hindi ako titigilan sa tukso nila Matt kapag nalaman nila! Pero wala naman yata silang ganito, so safe naman siguro ako.

At saka makikipag-usap lang naman ako!

At bakit ba ang defensive ko sa sarili ko?

After I finished registering, I began to swipe. Puro tiga-SCA lang din nakikita ko. Some were familiar faces so I rejected them agad. Siguro nakaka-twenty na mukha na ako bago ako nagswipe right. Hindi naman pala masaya ’to. Nakaka-pagod sa daliri.

I was about to stop when someone messaged me.

Marcus Isaiah Nicolas: Hi

Chapter 10

#ABNQ10 Chapter 10

Marcus Isaiah Nicolas: Hi

Ilang beses ko ng nabasa iyong message niya, but for some reasons, I couldn’t find it in myself to reply. One, I just got out from a rather messy relationship, and I was yet to finally be able to say that I was fully recovered. Two, hindi ko siya kilala… Although paano ko siya makikilala if hindi ko siya kakausapin?

Huh.

Why was I thinking too much dahil lang sa simpleng hi ?

“Joey!” masayang sigaw ni Kitty nung makita niya ako. I was sitting alone, contemplating on life and whatnots, when she spotted me. I quickly waved at her hanggang sa maupo na siya sa tabi ko. “Busy?”

I shook my head. “Nope, hinihintay ko na lang si Manong. Why?”

“May game daw later sila Psalm sa Brent. Wanna join?”

“Mamaya?” tanong ko. Maaga kasing uuwi sila Mama kaya gusto ko sana umuwi rin nang maaga para sabay-sabay kaming magdinner. Sobrang once in a blue mood lang kasi kaming nakakakain ng sabay-sabay.

She nodded. “Sige na, please? Alam mo naman na ’di na natin nakikita sila Simon lately…” sabi niya na nangungonsensya.

“Busy kasi sila sa basketball,” I stated, which was true. High regards kasi ng school ang athletics lalo na ang basketball kaya na-pupullout talaga sa klase ’yung mga players. After practice naman, wala ng energy ’yung mga ’yun para sumama sa ’min. Gets naman namin since ganto naman lagi kapag first sem since game season.

“I know, and as their friends, we should cheer on them, don’t you agree?”

I eyed her. “Hindi mo ako titigilan hanggang ’di ako pumapayag, no?”

She grinned. “You know it.”

I groaned. “Fine, but hintayin muna natin si Manong, nabibigatan ako sa bag ko.” She was looking at me shyly. “Yeah, kasama ni Manong si Jax, geez, Kitty, have some control,” sabi ko na dahilan kaya hinampas niya ako.

“Si Anj?” nagawa kong tanungin pagkatapos pag-isipan nang matagal.

She shrugged. “She’s fine naman, though she’s still feeling really guilty dahil sa nagawa niya… or lack thereof.”

I sighed. “Ako rin, e…”

She tapped the top of my head. “It’s alright. Magiging ayos din kayo, promise. It’s actually better na ’wag muna kayo mag-usap, so you can both think about things… You know? Consider stuff… At least when you’re both ready to talk again, level-headed kayo both.”

Napailing na lang ako sa lumalabas sa bibig niya. Sobrang halaga kasi kay Kitty ng friendship kasi kami na rin talaga family na tinuturing niya. How hard it must’ve been for her nung nasa gitna pa kami ng hindi pagkakaintindihan.

After that, we talked about the most random things hanggang sa dumating na si Manong. Pasimple pang sumilip si Kitty (todo effort since heavily tinted iyong sasakyan) kung nasa loob iyong true love daw niya.

“Wala si Jax pala,” sabi ko. “Nasa school pa raw; overtime sa library.”

She sighed. “Sipag talaga ni Jax…” sabi niya na parang siya hindi masipag, e halos siya na nga ang gumagawa ng lahat ng ginagawa sa council, e.

Dumiretso na kami sa Brent after mabigay ko kay Manong iyong gamit ko. Naglakad lang kami papunta doon since medyo malapit naman. May mga kasabay kaming naglalakad papunta sa school, and most of them were giddy girls.

“It’s really weird, no?” Kitty said while sipping her drink.

“What?” I replied while I sipped mine.

“How other girls feel kilig kapag nakikita nila sila Psalm?”

“Agreed,” I said.

“Speaking of Psalm… what’s happening?”

“Pati ikaw?!”

She laughed. “It’s weird kasi, Joey! Biglang naging close kayo ni Psalm, so of course we’d wonder! “

Ugh! Grabe talaga influence nung Matt na ’yun! Pati si Kitty, nadamay sa mga fake news niya! At saka alam niya naman na may Kath na kaya sa buhay ni Psalm, baka bakit ba push na push pa rin sila sa amin ni Psalm? I mean, wala namang nangyayari.

Lahat na lang ng bagay nilalagyan ng malisya… Tsk.

“Wala ’yun,” I said in an attempt to dismiss her. “Mahilig sa fake news si Matt.”

Pagdating namin sa gym ng Brent, bumili muna kam ng pagkain kasi alam namin na matagal ang laban.

“Ang daming tao…” I said in awe dahil weird na maraming nanonood na magtatakbo sila Psalm pabalik-balik sa court.

“Start ng season, e,” Kitty said. I didn’t bother ask why she knew kasi syempre alam niya. Member ng council, e. After namin bumili, pumasok na kami sa loob. Dahil maraming tao na nga, wala ng pwesto sa side ng St. Claire’s kaya doon kami sa side ng Brent napa-upo.

Tahimik kami ni Kitty na naglalaro—no comment from our side dahil ’di naman kami mahilig pareho sa sports… I mean, naiintindihan namin pero ’di lang talaga hilig. Sa gitna ng game, nakarinig kami ng sigaw from SCA’s side.

“Wooo! Go, Brent! Lampasuhin niyo ’yang St. Claire’s!”

“I-foul niyo ’yung number 9!”

“Ang pangit mo, GDL!”

Nagkatinginan kami ni Kitty. What the fuck? Ganito ba talaga ang trash talk sa basketball?

“Go, Psalm! Go, number 16!”

Sabay napaawang iyong labi namin ni Kitty. She was asking me kung kilala ko ba iyong babae na malakas sumigaw. I kept silent, but I knew that that was Kath. I should know—ilang beses ko ba naman makita mukha niya sa newsfeed ko, e.

“New victim ni Psalm?” Kitty asked. I shrugged; she frowned. “I thought…” she trailed, but didn’t continue while looking at me sadly.

Tsk. Bakit parang biglang mukha akong kawawa?

---

After the game, nakita kami nila Matt, so they asked us to wait for them. Kitty was excited to go down dahil nanalo kami. She wanted to congratulate Saint for saving the game daw.

“Sama ka?”

Tumango ako kasi ayoko naman isipin ni Kitty na affected ako sa nangyari kasi hindi naman. Tahimik lang akong bumaba sa court while Kitty’s bouncing. Ang daming energy!

“Congrats, Psalm!” Kitty said kasi si Psalm ang una niyang nakita.

“Thanks, Kitty!” Psalm said, grinning at Kitty. “Joey!” sabi niya na nagulat na nanood ako. “I thought basketball bore you?”

“Hinatak ako ni Kitty,” I said, shrugging.

He faked a hurt. “Here, I thought you came to cheer on me.”

“Arte, ha,” I said, then tossed him a Blue Gatorade. “Congrats sa laban niyo kahit si Saint ang nagpanalo.”

Magrereklamo pa sana si Psalm nung biglang may lumapit. I immediately turned my attention at Kath. Ngayon ko lang siya nakita ng malapitan. Ang ganda niya. She’s kinda small, but she looked so confident that it made up for the lack in the height department.

“Congrats!” she said, looking at Psalm. She was all smiles, even blushing a little.

“Thanks,” simpleng sagot ni Psalm na naka-ngiti.

“Ang galing mong maglaro kanina…” Kath said, tucking a small portion of her hair behind her ear. “Sorry nga pala ’dun sa kanina. Promise, I tried my best to stop them!”

Psalm laughed. “That’s fine. I know Preston.”

Kath blushed. Again. “I know, right? Sobrang hater niya!”

They continued to talk. I knew that that was my cue, so I slowly left them alone.

“Joey!” narinig ko na tawag sa akin ni Psalm bago pa man ako makalayo.

I turned around to face him. “What?” I said, my face stretched with a smile.

Bahagyang kumunot iyong noo ni Psalm. Parang may sasabihin siya, but then decided against it. “Nothing,” he said, his forehead still slightly creased. “Will catch you later.”

I just did the ’roger ’ sign habang naglalakad palabas. I sat on one of the benches while waiting for the other guys. While I was waiting, I tried to fiddle with my phone.

Jax: Late uwi

Me: Duh. May date ka na naman?

Jax: Inggit ka?

Me: Panget mo. Wag ka ng umuwi

Malapit na akong gumawa ng compilation ng screenshots ng kasamaan ng ugali ni Jax, at ibibigay ko kay Kitty ng mahimasmasan iyong kaibigan ko. While I was thinking of an annoying reply kay Jax, my phone showed a notification.

Marcus Isaiah Nicolas: Hi

Hesitantly, I clicked on the notification that re-directed me to the app. Nakita ko na nagdouble send lang pala siya nung Hi kasi hindi ko pinansin iyong una. Nagsend na naman siya. Gusto niya talaga akong kausap?

Marcus: Hi?

Marcus: What did the mother donut tell her kid?

Marcus: Anak, bavarian!

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko sa nabasa ko. May sira ba sa ulo ’to? Bakit nagjojoke mag-isa?!

I was about to reply, when I saw Psalm approaching. Mabilis kong tinago iyong phone ko sa loob ng bag ko nang makita ko siya. He was grinning, and it annoyed me. Ano na naman ngini-ngisi nito?

“Joey,” he said, spreading his arms wide like he’s expecting a hug or something.

“Problema mo?” tanong ko na naka-kunot ang noo.

Nawala bigla iyong ngisi niya. “Biglang bad mood?” he asked, slightly pouting. Ang weird!

“San sila? Gutom na ako,” I said.

“But you just finished a bucket of popcorn,” sabi niya na takang-taka.

Kumunot na naman ang noo ko. “Bakit mo alam?”

“Saw you earlier,” he said.

“Daming tao kaya,” I replied. Sabay kaming naglakad pabalik sa gym dahil nandun pa yata sila Matt. After kasi nila mag-ayos sa dugout, bumabalik sila usually sa gym para kausapin iyong mga fans na nagstay para sa kanila. Ewan ko nga kung bakit nandito si Psalm, e siya iyong usually sobrang accommodating.

“Knew you were coming,” he said, tousling my hair without effort kasi duh ang tangkad niya naman ng ’di hamak sa akin na normal na tao lang!

“Weh?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I forced Kitty to drag you here because—” hindi natapos iyong sasabihin niya dahil nagvibrate iyong phone niya. Nang makita niyang si Saint iyong tumatawag, he groaned in frustration.

“Sagutin mo na, baka importante,” I said. ’Di naman kasi mahilig magtext or tumawag iyong magkakapatid na ’to maliban na lang kung importante. Kasi nga, basketball is life talaga daw.

Psalm answered the phone, and his forehead kept on turning into a crease while he was in the middle of the conversation. Kung anuman ang sinasabi sa kanya ng kapatid niya, nakakainis siguro kasi muntik na maging dikit kilay nitong broccoli na ’to, e.

“I have other plans,” he said. “No. That’s your life, Saint. Keep me out of your crazy shits,” sabi niya bago ibaba iyong tawag. Binalik niya iyong tingin sa akin na parang walang nangyari. “So… where do you want to eat?”

“Ano ’yun?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Just Saint being annoying.”

“Bet again?”

He shook his head. “He’s asking me to join them.”

“Them… means with Kath?”

He looked at me suspiciously. “…why?”

I shrugged. “Wala lang; curious. Masama ba?”

He grinned. “Nothing. Was beginning to think that Matt’s right.”

Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko, but thankfully, I was quick to bounce on my feet. I acted like I was barfing. “Excuse me? ’Di tayo talo! At saka isa pa, may iba akong prospect!”

Binilisan ko iyong lakad ko para makabalik na agad kami sa gym. At least sa gym, nandun si Kitty na mas favorite nilang inisin. Kapag ganto kasi na kaming dalawa lang ni Psalm, malamang ako lang iinisin niya.

“Who?” he shouted behind me. I was actually already running, pero si Psalm, naglalakad lang, pero maaabutan niya pa rin ako! Curse his long legs!

“Secret!” sigaw ko pabalik.

“Maybe that’s me!” natatawa niyang sigaw.

“Kilabutan ka nga!”

“Then who?” he shouted again.

But I ran faster, baka kung ano’ng pangalan pa masabi ko!

Chapter 11

#ABNQ11 Chapter 11

“So… where are we gonna eat?” Matt asked. After a few minutes, natapos na rin sila sa wakas sa pag-entertain sa mga supporters nila. Kitty was observing them, while I quietly sat down and waited for them. Isa-isa ko lang tinitignan iyong mga kaibigan ko, wondering about the most random things in the world… Kasi minsan napapaisip ako kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng tao sa mundo, kami pa iyong mga naging magkaibigan. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason—lahat ng bagay, maganda man o masakit. If it hurts us, then it will only make us stronger. And if it makes us happy, then it will make us appreciate life more.

Sabay-sabay kaming naglakad, although nauna si Matt at Simon na sinabayan si Kitty dahil inaasar nila. Nasa likuran nila ako, at kasabay ko si Psalm. Hindi naman masyadong obvious na sinadya nila na kami ang magkasama sa likod. Grabe na ’yung pagpe-play cupid ng mga kaibigan ko.

“Ano’ng iniisip mo?” Psalm suddenly asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“You look bothered.”

“Lagi namang bothered ako sa paningin mo,” I shot back.

He laughed. “Because you are, Joey. You always look like you’re carrying half of the world’s problem.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Marami lang akong iniisip,” I replied.

“Like?”

“Okay lang ba na kumain tayo? I mean, hindi natin kasama si Anj and Steele… ’Di ka ba nakokonsensya?”

Psalm didn’t reply immediately. Malamang nag-iisip na naman siya. Ako naman, hinahanda ko na iyong sarili ko sa mga sasabihin niya. Minsan kasi, nakaka-mind blown.

“You know what’s the secret to living a happy life? Stop worrying about things you have no control over,” he said. Wow, ang tagal niyang pinag-isipan ’yun, ha!

“Well, sorry, I’m a worrier,” I replied.

“I know, but with Steele and Anj, you really can’t blame yourself for that, Jo. They’re both adults who make their own decisions. If they want to hang with us, believe me, they know. We still talk to them, you know.”

“Talaga?”

He nodded. “Yeah, of course. They’re still our friends. They just made stupid decisions, but that doesn’t mean that they’re bad people.”

Bigla akong napa-ngiti. Hindi ko kasi talaga masyadong nakakausap si Psalm madalas dati kasi si Anj and Kitty iyong madalas kong kasama. Siguro blessing in disguise na rin iyong breakup namin ni Steele, at least nalaman ko iyong ganitong side ni Psalm.

And honestly? He’s a breath of fresh air. Masarap kasama iyong tao na hindi puro negativity ang pinapairal sa buhay. Mas masaya kapag may tao na nagpapaalala sa ’yo na life doesn’t always suck.

Pagdating namin sa napiling resto ni Kitty, umorder na kami. Kitty and I were both wincing sa dami ng order nung mga lalaki.

“Last supper na ba?” tanong ko sa kanila after nila sabihin iyong order sa waiter.

Kitty looked really worried. “Aren’t you worried about cholesterol or something? Wala man lang salad sa inorder niyo…”

Matt almost fainted at the mention of the word salad. Bakit daw kasi siya magbabayad ng malaki para lang kumain ng damo. “Nag-e-exercise naman ako. Hindi ako naninigarilyo. Pabayaan niyo akong kumain, please lang,” Matt said. Kitty looked disapproving.

The guys, then, talked about the game. I tried to tune them out dahil hindi naman ako interesado. Kausap ko si Kitty, kaya lang biglang may tumawag sa kanya for council kaya lumabas muna siya. Bigla namang nagvibrate iyong phone ko.

Marcus: Hi?

Naka-tingin lang ako sa phone. Hindi pa nga ako nakaka-recover sa ubod ng corny niya na joke kahapon. Nalimutan kong magreply kasi nag-iisip ako ng sasabihin. Balak ko nga sanang magthank you para sa effort man lang!

Marcus: Knock-knock

Marcus: Who’s there?

Marcus: Kinurut-kurot ko.

Marcus: Kinurut-kurot ko who?

Marcus: Kinurut-ko… Kinurut-kurot ko pa… We were as one, babe, for a moment in time

Marcus: For reference, check Always be my baby by Mariah Carey

Napaawang iyong labi ko. Sino ba ’tong Marcus Isaiah Nicolas na ’to, at ang dami yatang time para magsend ng joke sa akin? I was seriously about to Google his name, nang biglang magsalita si Psalm.

“What’s funny?” he asked.

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

“You’re smiling,” he said, pointing at my face.

Mabilis akong napa-hawak sa mukha ko, at saka ko na-realize na naka-ngiti pala ako. Mabilis naman akong umiling. “Wala,” sagot ko sabay kuha ng phone, at lagay sa bag. I made my face neutral again. Ayoko lang magtanong pa si Psalm, e nandyan si Matt at Simon. Sobrang chismoso pa naman ng mga lalaki! “Di pa ba magffollow-up? Tagal ng pagkain.”

Psalm was looking at me rather suspiciously. “I just followed up,” he said. Nagfollow up na pala sila, hindi ko man lang napansin. Masyado yatang naapektuhan ng corny knock-knock jokes ni Marcus iyong utak ko. “What were you looking at?”

“Wala nga,” sabi ko.

“The new guy?”

“Hindi, ah!” napa-lakas yata iyong sagot ko kaya nakuha namin iyong atensyon nung dalawang bugok. I looked at Psalm, and begged him not to tell those two! Grabe kaya mang-asar iyong dalawa! Sure ako na araw-araw nila akong iinisin hanggang sa malaman nila iyong pangalan ni Marcus! E wala naman talaga!

“What’s happening?” Matt asked.

I shrugged. “Nothing,” I replied, and Psalm looked so amused that I was keen on lying. Sigurado ako na mas macu-curious siya sa ginagawa ko, pero mas okay na sa akin na si Psalm na lang ang mangulit kaysa dumagdag pa iyong dalawa! Baka ’di ko kayanin kapag ’yung tatlo ang nagsanib-pwersa para guluhin ako.

“Tungkol kay Kath na naman ba?” Matt said. “I told you, Joey, hindi type ni Psalm si Kath… ’Di ba, bro?”

What the heck? Bakit nakarating na naman kay Kath ang usapan?!

I immediately faced Psalm. “Sabihin mo nga sa kanila na walang something, walang anything, walang everything!” pamimilit ko dahil baka kapag lumabas sa bibig mismo ni Psalm na walang nangyayaring kung anuman, baka sakaling tigil-tigilan na ako ng dalawang itlog na ’to!

Matt and Simon both turned at Psalm. Ako? I was waiting and internally begging for him to make these two idiots stop! Ramdam ko kasi talaga na malapit ng maging awkward sa amin ni Psalm kapag palagi kaming tinutukso na ganito!

Pinanlakihan ko si Psalm ng mata para patigilin niya na ’tong fake news na ’to!

“There’s nothing,” Psalm said after a few freaking seconds! Grabe, sasabihin din pala, pinatagal pa!

After that, umalis muna si Matt para magCR habang si Simon naman, ewan ko kung saan pupunta, may hinahanap yata.

“Saved your ass,” Psalm said.

“You just spoke the truth,” I replied.

“So, what’s the name?” tanong niya.

“Wala nga kasi.”

Psalm grinned. “You’re not very good at lying, Joey,” he said.

“Hindi naman ako nagsisinungaling kasi wala nga talaga,” I replied adamantly. Bakit ba kasi pinipilit na meron, e wala nga? Akala ba nila madali lang humanap ng love life? E sa 19 years of existence ko sa earth, isang lalaki pa lang nahanap ko, palpak pa!

“Why were you smiling earlier?”

“Wala ka bang concept ng memes?” balik ko sa kanya. Hinding-hindi ko sasabihin iyong tungkol kay Marcus dahil one, of course macu-curious sila kung saan ko nakilala. At kapag nalaman nila na Tinder, sigurado ako na hindi nila ako titigilan kagaya ng pambu-bwisit na ginawa ko kay Jax. Karma is real talaga.

He nodded, looked unconvinced. “Memes, sure…” he said, looking at me.

I arched my brow. “At saka kung may love life man ako, sasabihin ko sa ’yo,” sabi ko pero parang hindi na naman siya naniniwala kasi naka-tingin lang siya sa mga mata ko. I stared back, because I knew I got nothing to hide… But I immediately thought that it was a bad idea to have a staring contest with Psalm.

I quickly broke the stare because it was making me uncomfortable. Mabilis kong inabot iyong baso ng tubig, at saka ininom ’yun.

I stared at him. He was still staring at me. Hindi ko alam. Parang may hinahanap siya sa mga mata ko.

“Promise,” I said, smiling a little, and inside, wishing that my other friends would come back.

---

Pagkatapos naming kumain, nagdecide na kung sino ang maghahatid kanino. Kitty decided to ride with Matt since on the way naman iyong bahay nila. Ako na lang iyong natitira na magdecide kung kay Simon or Psalm ba ako sasabay.

“Hatid niyo na lang ako sa school, papa-sundo na lang ako kay Manong,” I said. Ayoko naman na makaabala sa kanila kasi kahit friends kami, gets ko naman na may kanya-kanya kaming buhay.

“Ikaw na lang Psalm,” Matt said. I frowned. “What? Ikaw na may sabi na wala, so bakit parang affected ka?”

I made face. “Ang funny mo, no?”

He nodded. “Di na sapat gwapo lang ngayon, dapat may humor ka na rin,” sabi niya na sobrang seryoso ng mukha. Napailing na lang ako. ’Di ko alam talaga minsan kung ano ang trip sa buhay nitong si Matt, e.

Pumasok na si Matt sa sasakyan niya kasabay si Kitty.

“Ingat kayo,” Simon said.

“Thanks, ikaw rin,” I replied, smiling. Nang pumasok siya sa sasakyan niya, I waved at him hanggang sa makaalis na iyong sasakyan ni Matt at Simon. Pagkatapos ko, tumalikod ako at medyo nagtaka kasi naka-tingin si Psalm na parang may malalim na iniisip.

“What?” tanong ko dahil ang weird niya, naka-tingin lang sa ’kin!

After a few seconds, umiling siya. “Nothing,” sabi niya kaya napa-kunot iyong noo ko. Weird nito.

Pumasok na ako sa sasakyan niya. I wore my seatbelt because safety first.

“Lakasan ko, ha?” I said when I heard LANY’s Pink Skies on the radio. Psalm nodded, so I proceeded. Gusto ko sanang buksan iyong bintana para fresh air tapos feel na feel ko iyong kanta, kaya lang naalala ko na nasa Manila nga pala kami. Baka instead na ma-feel ko iyong kanta e mahablutan pa ako ng gamit.

‘You are my favorite everything; been telling girls that since I was 16. Shut up, I love you; you’re my best friend.’

Closing my eyes, I began to hum with the song. We’re stuck in the middle of traffic, but the song was making me think.

“Ano kaya’ng feeling kapag na-in love ka sa best friend mo, no?” I wondered out loud. Every time kasi na maririnig ko iyong kanta na ’yun, napapaisip ako. “I think it’s pretty scary…” I said. I didn’t know if Psalm was actually listening to me, but he just had this aura na parang ang sarap niyang kausap kasi one, makikinig talaga siya. And two, may sense siyang sumagot. Iyon bang tipo na tinitignan niya both sides para hindi unfair? Ang dali siguro ng buhay kung ganoon lahat ng tao… though it’s hard because not everyone’s emotionally equipped. Handling your own emotion is already hard enough, sasabayan mo pa ba nung sa ibang tao?

Kaya nakaka-proud ’tong broccoli na ’to, e.

“Falling in love is scary in itself,” he said. “No matter who you fell in love with, it’s scary because you’re making yourself vulnerable.”

I nodded. “Pero feeling ko mas scary kapag best friend mo. Kasi ’di ba paano kapag ’di nagwork? Sayang friendship,” I said. “Kami nga ni Steele, friends lang pero nasasayangan pa rin ako sa nangyari, e.”

“Steele made you happy, right?”

I nodded. “Oo naman.”

“Naging masaya ka naman, kaya bakit ka nanghihinayang?”

Bigla akong natigilan sa sinabi niya.

‘We can work it out; you and I are meant to be together. This is how it’s supposed to feel, I’m in love with you, how this feels.’

“Sabi mo… ayaw mong magdate ng friends kasi hassle? Nagbago ka ng isip?” seryosong tanong ko sa kanya.

“No,” he said, his hands still firmly on the wheel. “I still prefer not to date friends, but if she’s the one, then she’ll be worth all the trouble.”

I shrugged. “It sucks to lose friends…”

“Living a life of what if will suck more, Joey. Do you always want to wake up, wondering what could’ve happened if only you tried?” he asked.

I looked at him. “Naranasan mo na bang magka-gusto sa kaibigan?” seryosong tanong ko sa kanya. Lumingon siya sa akin. Naka-tingin siya sa akin. Tumingin ako pabalik. Ito na naman kami, naka-tingin. Walang sinasabi, pero iba sa pakiramdam.

“How do you know if you already like someone?” he asked.

“Kapag… hindi ko alam… basta, malalaman mo na lang ’yun.”

Wala akong mabigay na sagot kasi hindi ko rin alam. Paano mo nga ba masasabi na gusto mo na? Kapag lagi mong naiisip? Kapag lagi mong gustong kasama? Kapag gusto mo ikaw lang ang pinapansin niya?

May signs ba? May symptoms ba? May checklist ba?

I nodded. “Yeah, malalaman mo kapag iyon na…” I said, then cocked my head. “Nagkagusto ka na ba?” tanong ko ulit sa kanya.

Psalm didn’t give me an answer dahil umandar na iyong mga sasakyan. Hindi ko magawang magtanong ulit dahil hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin.

Ang alam ko lang, iba talaga ang nagagawa ng traffic.

Chapter 12

#ABNQ12 Chapter 12

Ang bilis talaga ng panahon. Parang kaka-simula lang ng klase, exams na naman. Parang kahapon, high school lang ako. Ngayon, pa-graduate na ako. Tama nga siguro sila na you should live life by the moment because every moment quickly becomes a memory.

“Jax,” I called my brother’s name. Sabay kaming nag-aaral sa salas dahil pareho kaming hindi makapag-aral sa kwarto. Para kasing tinatawag ka nung kama mo? Sobrang bad influence. Na instead na mag-aral ka, matulog ka na lang.

“What?” masungit niyang sagot.

I pouted. Sungit. Kung may choice lang ako, hindi ko naman siya kakausapin. “Ano’ng magandang regalo sa lalaki?”

He immediately halted whatever it was that he was doing, and looked at me. “What?” sagot niya pabalik.

“Malapit na birthday ni Psalm, e,” I replied. Kilala niya naman si Psalm since tambay iyong mga kaibigan ko dito sa bahay. Though, hindi lang sila close kasi nga iba trip sa buhay nitong si Jax. Medyo kinakabahan nga ako para sa kanya. Alam mo ’yung sobrang nega niya na sa buhay, tapos balak pa niyang maging attorney? Mawawalan na talaga ’to ng tiwala sa humanity!

“Kayo ba?”

Nanlaki mata ko. “Hindi, ah!” Grabe, bakit ba ang bilis magconclude ng mga tao?! Hindi na ba talaga possible na maging friends lang? Lagi ba talagang may malisya na kasama?!

“Defensive,” he said, eyeing me.

“Di ako defensive, assuming ka talaga talaga,” mabilis kong sagot sa kanya. “So… ano ngang magandang regalo?” I asked again. Kung may ibang choice lang talaga ako, hindi ko talaga tatanungin si Jax dahil alam ko na hindi pa siya nakaka-ganti sa akin sa panlalaglag na ginawa ko sa kanya kina Mama. But what could I do? We’re siblings… and it’s a sibling’s duty to embarrass the other one.

“Bakit ’di ikaw mag-isip? Ikaw laging kasama,” walang kwenta niyang sagot bago bumalik sa binabasa niya. Muntik na akong ma-tempt na hampasin siya nung Criminal Law book na binabasa niya, but I decided against it.

Huminto muna ako sa pag-aaral dahil feeling ko wala na akong naiintindihan. Nahiga ako sa couch habang hawak iyong phone ko. Hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang ireregalo ko kay Psalm, and ang lapit na talaga ng birthday niya! Lagi kasing may party kapag birthday niya, him being the most sociable of the GDL brothers… as if may competition.

As I scrolled, puro share lang naman ng mga posts sa NBA ang nakikita ko sa wall niya, nothing new… So, baka basketball stuff na lang talaga ang bilhin ko sa kanya.

“San ka pupunta?” Jax asked nung pababa na ako. Umakyat muna kasi ako para magbihis.

“Mall,” I quickly answered.

“Exams mo. Mag-aral ka.”

I rolled my eyes. “Mamayang gabi!”

Umiling siya. “Mall can wait. Dito ka lang.”

“Kanina pa ko nag-aaral! Sandali lang ako sa mall, promise!” I said. Hindi ko na talaga kayang mag-aral kasi feeling ko information overload na iyong nasa utak ko! Besides, may bukas pa naman bago magstart iyong exams. At saka never naman ako bumagsak! Wala man lang tiwala ’to sa ’kin!

“Bahala ka,” he said, scoffing.

I grinned. “Thanks, Jax! You’re the best!” sabi ko habang patakbo palabas. Nagpa-drive ako kay Manong para kahit konti e matahimik ang kaluluwa nung kapatid ko na uuwi naman ako agad. I just needed to breathe a little dahil feeling ko nasu-suffocate na ako sa mga inaaral ko.

Pagdating ko sa mall, ang daming tao kasi Saturday. I really needed to go home immediately because I knew that Jax meant well naman. Hindi naman kasi mahigpit parents namin, so the least we could do was to study well.

Agad akong dumiretso sa bilihan ng sapatos.

“Ang mahal naman…” agad na nasabi ko nung makita ko ’yung prices. Ang hassle pala maging basketball player… and ang laki pala ng budget ni Psalm sa shoes kasi palaging iba-iba shoes na ginagamit niya kapag nagbabasketball siya, e.

Tsk.

Headband na lang kaya ibigay ko?

“Hi, Ma’am!” sabi sa akin nung lalaking attendant ng store na lumapit. I was about to ask him for recommendation sa kung ano ang magandang ibigay sa basketball player, nung biglang may kumalabit sa akin.

Upon turning around, my forehead creased even more nung makita ko iyong babaeng lately, laging laman ng newsfeed ko.

“Hi, Ate!” she said, smiling at me.

I smiled back, because I wasn’t rude. “Uhm… hi?”

She was still smiling. Mas matangkad ako sa kanya ng kaunti, pero sobrang cute niya. “Sorry if ang creepy ko,” she said. I just awkwardly smiled. “You’re a friend of Psalm’s, right?”

“Uh… yes,” nag-aalangan kong sagot. Why was she talking to me? I mean, sure, I did know her dahil laging binabanggit nila Matt sa akin, but we were never properly introduced. Pero siguro nga kilala niya ako dahil kung totoo ngang crush niya si Psalm, of course she’d know his friends.

“Ayoko sanang lapitan ka, Ate, pero I need help,” she said. She was still smiling, so it was hard to ignore her. Mukha naman siyang mabait… mukhang bata pa nga lang. Ganto ba type ni Psalm?

“Sure,” sabi ko na lang.

“Since Psalm’s birthday is near, I was thinking lang of what to give him… but wala akong maisip since… hindi ko naman alam what he really wants.”

Ditto, girl.

“Do you have any recommendation? Like sa shoes, what kind?”

Muntik na mapaawang ang bibig ko. I mean, sure, crush niya si Psalm, but was she serious na reregaluhan niya ng shoes? Ang mahal kaya! The first one I touched in this store cost almost eight thousand! Grabe naman magka-crush ’tong isang ’to!

“Sorry, hindi ko rin alam, e,” I replied.

She sighed, then smiled again. “Thanks anyway, Ate,” she said. She waved, before walking the opposite direction. “Blackmail ko na lang ulit si GDL…” I heard her saying.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me because I just watched her walk away. Natigil lang iyong ginagawa ko nung marinig kong tinatawag ako nung attendant.

“Hi again, Ma’am!” the guy said. “Anything I can help you with?”

I looked at the shoes… and then shook my head. “No, thanks,” I said before getting out of the store. Bakit ba ako mag-e-effort magbigay ng mahal na sapatos? May Kath naman na magbibigay.

---

As it turned out, sobrang late na ako nakauwi nung Saturday since nagdecide ako na manood ng sine mag-isa… so pag-uwi ko, parang tanga si Jax na nakaabang sa akin. Buong Sunday tuloy, nasa bahay lang talaga ako at sabay kaming nag-aaral.

Came Monday, busy kaming lahat sa exams. Ni hindi nga kami nakapag-usap ng friends ko dahil lahat kami tensed sa exam. Syempre, hindi kami makaka-graduate kapag may binagsak pa kami. Gusto ko na kayang makalayas sa school! I was thinking kung papayag si Mama na magbackpacking through Europe ako pagka-graduate ko.

“Sakit ng ulo ko, tangina,” mahinang sabi ni Matt pagkaupo niya sa tabi ko.

I pat his head. “Di ka kasi nag-aral.”

“Nag-aral ako, ’di ko lang talaga maintindihan iyong French, tangina,” inis na sabi niya pa rin. ’Di naman ’to mahilig magmura, pissed lang siguro siya sa exams namin. “Unfair talaga kay Psalm ’to. Chicken lang sa kanya, e.”

Pagdating ni Psalm, tawa siya nang tawa. Ang saya niya.

“Extend ng isa pang sem?” tawang-tawa na sabi niya kay Matt na nagbigay sa kanya ng middle finger. Required kasi kami na kumuha ng 24 units ng foreign language as part of our curriculum since pang-foreign relations talaga iyong degree namin. Tapos na kami sa basic and intermediate Mandarin and German. Last na lang talaga ’yung French since ayaw na ayaw talaga kunin ni Matt and Simon kasi iba raw ang basa sa sulat… though I’d argue na mas mahirap naman ’yung German, pero pumasa naman kami!

“Ayokong makita mukha mo,” sabi ni Matt bago tumayo at umalis. Grabe, tinamaan yata talaga sa exams.

“Ang sama mo,” sabi ko kay Psalm na halos maiyak na sa katatawa dahil napikon si Matt.

“Nah, he’ll be fine,” he said, wiping the tears on his eyes. Ganoon siya kasaya.

“Kabado nga kasi baka babagsak, e,” I said. Nagpromise pa naman kami na sabay kaming ga-graduate. Last na ’to, e.

“Checked his paper before he passed—he’ll pass,” he said in a reassuring tone.

“Tinignan mo paper niya?!” gulat na tanong ko. Sobrang strict kasi ng mga proctors kapag exam. Iyong tipong ma-late ka lang ng isang segundo, parang napaka-laking kasalanan na ang nagawa mo. Kahit partly at fault din naman sila since late silang dumating… Labo.

He nodded. “Yeah, don’t worry, Simon covered for me,” sabi niya. Napailing na lang ako. Kapag talaga sa kalokohan magkakasama sila. “Of course we won’t let Matty fail.”

Napa-ngiti ako. Syempre nga naman. Kahit nga si Steele, nakita ko nung isang araw na kinakausap ni Psalm ng French, e. Okay lang naman sa akin na nag-uusap na sila since best friends naman talaga sila. Hindi naman ako ganoong klase ng tao na porke hindi ako okay, ieexpect ko na na hindi rin sila okay doon sa tao na ’yun.

“How ’bout you, Jo? Is this really our last sem?” he asked.

I nodded. “Of course. Can’t wait to get out of this hellhole,” sagot ko.

“Any plans after college?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Backpacking through Europe if payagan ako ng parents ko,” sabi ko. “Ikaw?”

“Wanna play professional, but we’ll see,” sabi niya.

“Kaya mo ’yan, ikaw pa,” sabi ko. Ngumiti siya tapos ginulo niya iyong buhok ko. Na naman. Sabi ko nga lagi dapat talaga kong may dalang suklay, e. Ewan ko ba sa lahat ng lalaking kilala ko, hobby talaga nila manggulo ng buhok.

“Thanks, Jo,” he said, smiling while looking me in the eyes.

I smiled back… then realized that after we graduated, malaki iyong possibilidad na hindi na kami masyadong magkita… kasi iba-iba na kami ng gagawin. We’d be building our own lives, and sad as it may seem, sometimes, it doesn’t include everyone.

“Why?” he asked nang mapansin niya iyong pagbabago sa mukha ko.

“Nothing.”

“Come on, Jo,” he pressed. “I thought we’re better than this,” sabi niya sabay bump sa braso ko. Nasaktan naman ako! Ang tigas kaya ng braso niya!

“Wala,” sabi ko sabay hawak sa braso ko. Ano’ng ginagawa ba ni Psalm sa gym at ganto braso niya. “Naisip ko lang, after graduation, hindi na tayo magkakasama-sama nang ganito…”

“Huh? Why would you think like that?”

I shrugged. “Just the possibilities. I mean, sure we’d try to meet each other once in a while, pero alam mo ’yun? Hindi na kagaya nito na palagi tayong magkasama… Syempre magkakaroon tayo ng sarili nating career, bagong set of friends… maybe we’ll start building a family? Alam mo ’yun? Things grown ups do?”

Psalm wasn’t saying anything. He probably was still thinking of something worthy to say… kailan ba kasi walang sense ang sinasabi niya? Kapag gantong seryosong usapan, sobrang seryoso niya rin.

He just made it easier to talk.

“I don’t want to be a downer, pero kasi ganoon naman talaga nangyayari, ’di ba? One way or another, we’ll really drift apart. We’ll grow up, and sometimes, that also means growing apart… gaya ng sabi mo sa ’kin dati. That’s life, I know, but I just can’t help but be sad when I think about the possibility.”

I sighed.

And sighed.

Three months na lang.

Three months to start the end. Ganoon naman kasi talaga, ’di ba? Some of us are lucky to find something worthwhile to do. Iyong magbibigay ng purpose sa buhay mo. Iyong hindi lang basta trabaho, pero gusto mo ring gawin… but most of us will only work because that’s what’s expected of us. Never mind kung hindi mo naman talaga gusto iyong ginagawa mo.

It’s sad.

Nakaka-matay ng loob.

But you got to do what you got to do.

“Sometimes, I wish there’s a switch button inside that head of yours. You think too much, Jo,” sabi ni Psalm.

I shrugged again. “Well, that’s me. I think too much.”

“Instead of thinking too much, just live in the moment, Joey.”

“Pano? Hindi mo naman malalaman kung it’s a moment worth living until tapos na iyong moment. Kasi doon mo pa lang malalaman kung iyong moment na iyon e irereminisce mo nang paulit-ulit. Gets mo ba?”

“No, not really,” sagot niya na parang naguluhan sa sinabi ko. Ang cute kasi naka-kunot iyong noo niya na parang pinipilit niya na intindihin iyong sinabi ko. “Point here is, life is short. Live it. You’d never really know when’s the last time you’ll breathe, so just live.”

“Hirap.”

“You just have to appreciate what you have, Joey. Every person in your life, every thing you got. Because really, you’ll never know when’s the last time you’ll get to see it, to talk to that person. Life’s really unpredictable, you know? So you just got to seize every chance.”

Biglang may maliit na ngiti na lumabas sa mukha ko. “Bakit ang positive mong tao?”

Umiling siya. “No, not really… I just know that life is short, so why bother thinking about the sucky things that I can’t change?”

I nodded. “Sure.”

Natawa siya habang umiiling. “I’ll be seeing you this Friday, right?”

Shit.

’Yung birthday niya!

Biglang nawala iyong tawa sa mukha niya nung makita niya iyong pag-aalala sa mukha ko. “Why? Hindi ka makakapunta?”

I looked at him. Shit. Paano ba? Ayoko naman na pumunta na walang regalo! Bilhan ko na lang kaya talaga siya ng headband? Dati nga towel lang sa Bench binigay ko sa kanya, masaya naman siya! Bakit ba ako mag-e-effort na bigyan ’to ng sapatos? Marami na siya! At saka bibigyan naman siya ni Kath!

“Pupunta…” I said after a few seconds of silence on my part, and pure worry on his part. Kasi siguro rin complete talaga kami tuwing birthday ng isa’t-isa. Ginagawan talaga namin ng paraan na kumpleto kami kahit nasa kung saang panig man ng mundo ang isa.

“I’ll be looking for you.”

“Oo nga.”

“Promise?”

“Parang bata.”

“Just promise, Jocelyn.”

“Ugh! Oo na, bwisit ka!”

He laughed. Ang saya niya na naman. Tsk. Maka-bili na nga ng towel sa Bench mamaya. Patay na naman ako kay Jax nito.

Chapter 13

#ABNQ13 Chapter 13

Days passed by so freaking fast dahil masyadong busy lahat ng tao sa exams. We all knew that this one’s the one that we definitely couldn’t mess up, kung hindi, we’re stuck for another sem. And I was dead sure that nobody wanted that. Lahat kami excited na sa graduation. Though ako, medyo hindi… Ewan ko. One day, I asked Jax kung bakit siya bumalik sa school e graduate naman na siya. Sabi niya, mas masaya raw mag-aral kaysa magwork. Hindi ko gets nung una, pero habang papalapit na iyong graduation, mas lalo akong nakakaramdam ng… I guess, melancholy?

“You okay?” Kitty asked. The guys were all busy since sila iyong dapat talaga maghabol in terms of grades. Busy kasi sila sa basketball, but that didn’t mean that they could slack off in their grades. Kapag bagsak sila, they wouldn’t graduate. No special treatment for them. Which was good, I think, since education is equally important naman.

“Yeah, I guess,” I said.

“Last day na tomorrow,” she said. “May gift ka na for Psalm?”

Umiling ako. “Wala akong mahanap,” I replied. I really tried to find something for him, but nothing really stood out. Two hours akong nagstay sa mall, paikut-ikot lang, but wala pa rin akong nakita. I heard an earful from Jax dahil bakit daw ba ako gumagala e may exams ako, pero binayaan ko na lang since hobby talaga nun na sermunan ako. Ewan ko ba.

“He’s not choosy naman. At saka ’di ka naman nahirapan noon…” sabi niya na makahulugan. Tsk. Ayan na naman siya. Kulang talaga ’to sa paglalambing ng kapatid ko kaya ganitong sa akin napo-project iyong mga hidden fantasies niya.

“Last year na kasi kaya mas gusto ko mas maayos iyong gift,” I said in my defense. “At saka he’s been really nice to me when I was down because of Steele. Gusto ko lang magthank you.”

She made a disbelieving face. “Weh?”

Inirapan ko siya. “Ewan ko sa ’yo,” sabi ko. “Ano’ng regalo mo sa kanya?” tanong ko kasi baka naman makakuha ako ng idea kung ano ang ibibigay ko kay Psalm. Kasi kapag wala talaga akong maisip, swear bibigyan ko ng bimpo galing sa Bench ’yung tao na ’yun.

“NBA 2k18,” Kitty said.

“Oo nga, no! ’Di ko naisip ’yun!” sabi ko. Ang hilig nga rin pala sa video-games nung broccoli na ’yun! May game pa kaya siya na gusto? Para hindi na ako mahirapan! ’Di ko naman alam na nakaka-stress pala talagang mag-isip ng regalo!

“Don’t worry too much na. Maappreciate naman niya kahit ano bigay natin, e,” she said. Alam ko naman na ’di materialistic na tao si Psalm kasi ano pa ba hihilingin nun e ang yaman nun? Member ka ba naman ng Gomez de Liaño-de Marco clan, e.

But still.

I wanted to exert effort kahit nakukunsumi na talaga akong tunay.

After kong makipag-usap kay Kitty, bumalik na kami sa classroom for another exam. Nasagutan ko naman lahat nang matagumpay since buong Sunday talaga ako kinulong ni Jax sa bahay para mag-aral. Sabay din kaming nag-aaral since exams din niya sa law school. Mahigpit talaga ’yun pagdating sa studies kaya naman ’di ako nahirapan sa exam kasi naaral ko naman lahat ’yun.

Nauna akong matapos. Nagstay ako sa bench na medyo malapit sa labas ng building since bawal maglinger sa labas ng room habang ongoing pa iyong exam. Busy ako sa pagsstalk kay Psalm nung may makita akong broccoli na naglalakad.

“Saint!” tawag ko. Bigla siyang huminto sa paglalakad.

“Joey?” nagtataka niyang tanong. Usually, ’di ko naman siya kinakausap sa school kasi ’di ko naman siya nakikita kahit nasa iisang building lang kami kasi nakatira ’to sa gym, e.

I smiled at him, and greeted him before I went straight to my real motive. “Question naman,” I began. “Ano’ng magandang regalo kay Psalm?”

“Love life,” diretsong sagot niya.

I frowned. “Seryoso kasi.”

“I’m serious. He’s desperate.”

Ugh. Ano bang ineexpect ko? Wala naman talagang kwentang kausap ’tong kulot na ’to! Dapat siguro si Cohen na lang kinausap ko, at least ’yung pwedeng utuin kasi mabait.

“Wala kang kwentang kausap,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Saint laughed. “Don’t stress it out. He’s not very picky.”

“Wala ba siyang gusto—na hindi love life,” sabi ko na inunahan siya dahil baka masapok ko na talaga siya kapag love life na naman ang sinabi niya.

“Shoes?” I asked.

“He’s got plenty.”

“Games?”

“He’s got plenty.”

“Damit? Relo? Pagkain? Ano ba? Tulong naman!” desperado na sabi ko. Ang lapit-lapit na talaga ng party niya, pero wala pa rin akong regalo! Nakakahiya naman kung makikiparty lang ako, tapos wala man lang akong dala. To think na si Psalm kapag birthday ko, ang ganda magregalo! Binigyan niya kaya ako nung Kate Spade na velvet na bag kasi once, nabanggit ko sa kanya na ’di ako pinayagan ni Mama na bumili nung bag… to think na niregaluhan si Jax ng sasakyan nung naglawschool! Sobrang wow, ang unfair ng life minsan!

Tinignan ko si Kulot na busy mag-isip. Ilang segundo akong naghintay pero ang sabi niya lang, “Sorry, Joey. I really can’t think of any. But as I’ve said, don’t worry too much. It’s just Psalm.”

“Ang nice mong kapatid talaga. Sige na, lumayas ka na,” sabi ko na tatawa-tawa pa siya. Napaka-walang kwentang kapatid.

Pagka-alis na pagka-alis ni Saint, biglang dumating na lahat ng kaibigan ko. Napa-tingin ako sa relo. Tapos na pala talaga exams kaya pala nasa labas na silang lahat.

“I’m so hungry!” Kitty said. “Let’s eat tapos uwi na tayo?” she said. I nodded kasi gutom na talaga ako.

“Pass,” Psalm said. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Steele’s asking me to accompany him.”

Tumango na lang ako kasi syempre friend niya rin ’yun.

“San?” Matt asked.

“Don’t know.”

“Ikaw lang?” Simon asked.

Psalm nodded. “Sama kayo?”

“Tsk. Ikaw lang inaya, e,” nagtatampo na sabi ni Matt. Arte nito. Siya pa ’yung galit-galit kay Steele, tapos magtataka siya ngayon na ’di siya inaya ni Steele? Malamang. Bakit mo naman kasi aayain iyong tao na lagi kang parang susuntukin?

Kitty sighed. Alam ko naman na nahihirapan siya sa sitwasyon na ganto. Na dati, okay naman kaming lahat na magkakasama kumain after mahirapan sa exam, magkakasama na magcrave ng bulalo tapos pupunta ng Tagaytay, magkakasama na gustong magsurfing kaya didiretso sa La Union.

Iba na talaga ngayon. Kahit i-deny namin, ramdam na iba na.

“Sige, ingat kayo,” I said.

After that, dumiretso na kaming kumain. Nag-uusap kami about random things kasi may rule kami na after exams, bawal pag-usapan iyong exam kasi mase-stress lang kaming pare-parehas kapag nalaman namin na magkakaiba kami ng sagot. E wala naman na kaming magagawa kasi napasa na namin iyong paper. At saka baka ma-dishearten lang kami, e may exam pa naman kami bukas.

“Kitty,” mahinang sabi ko. Nag-uusap si Matt at Simon about sa next na laban nila sa basketball, so hindi na naman kami maka-relate.

“Hmm?” she said.

“Si Jax susundo sa ’kin. Gusto mo sabay ka na? Sabihin ko hatid ka namin sandali sa inyo?”

Nagglow iyong mga mata niya. “Really? Talaga? You’ll do that for me, Joey?” parang bata na sobrang excited na sabi niya. Natawa ako kasi ang cute niya! Siya na talaga ang kailangan ni Jax sa buhay niyang sobrang negative.

I nodded. “Yup. Papayag naman ’yun.”

She hugged me. “Thanks, Joey! I love you talaga!”

“Bakit may I love you bigla? Ano’ng nangyari?” tanong ng chismoso na si Matt.

“Nothing!” Kitty said kasi ayaw niyang malaman nila na may crush siya kay Jax kasi sure siya na tutuksuhin siya nila Matt. E lagi silang nasa bahay namin. E ’di namatay na lang si Kitty sa hiya? “CR muna ako,” sabi niya. Magreretouch pa yata iyong babaeng ’yun.

Dahil umalis si Kitty, naiwan ako kasama iyong dalawang pasaway.

“Ano na naman?”

Matt shrugged. “Bakit mukha kang malungkot? Kasi ’di natin kasama si Psalm?”

Simon nodded. “Di pa ba kami sapat, Joey? Bakit naghahanap ka pa ng iba?”

Halos umawang iyong labi ko. Sobrang hirap ba ng exams namin kaya natuluyan na itong dalawang pasaway na ’to? Ano na naman ang trip nila, at ako na naman yata ang nakita?

“Naaawa talaga ako sa future girlfriends niyong dalawa. Sobrang sakit niyo sa ulo,” sabi ko sabay subo ng fries.

Natawa sila. “Kayo pa nga lang tatlo, hirap na kaming alagaan, maghahanap pa ba ng girlfriend?” Matt asked.

“So, sinasabi mo ba na kasalanan namin nila Kitty na wala kayong girlfriend?”

Biglang nagpanic iyong mukha ni Matt. “Bakit ang galing magpaikot ng babae ng usapan?” tanong niya kay Simon. “Di naman ’yun ibig kong sabihin.” Tumango na lang sa kanya si Simon na parang naiintindihan niyo kung ano ang nararamdaman ni Matt. Tsk. Guys, really.

Pagkatapos naming kumain, aalis na dapat sila Matt kasi may gagawin na naman silang basketball stuff yata, ’di ko sure ’di naman ako nagtanong. Sinabayan lang nila kaming maghintay hanggang makarating si Jax. The thing with my guy friends, they’re really protective. It’s nice. Minsan ’di mo mararamdaman na wala kang love life kasi spoiled ka naman sa kanila.

“Okay lang if aalis na kayo,” I said since patingin-tingin si Matt sa relos niya. Late na yata. Hassle pa naman coach nila. “Sige na, promise okay lang kami,” pagpapatuloy ko kasi mukhang alangan pa sila na iwan kami.

“Sure?”

I nodded. “Yup. Safe naman dito sa loob ng establishment,” I assured them.

Matt and Simon stood up, but not before telling us na in case anything happens, text lang namin sila agad. Ano namang pwedeng mangyari sa ’min dito sa resto?

“San na raw si Jax?” Kitty inquired.

“Di ko alam. Huling text kakaalis lang ng bahay.”

“Hala. Okay lang kaya siya?”

Kumunot noo ko. “Okay lang ’yun. ’Di lang talaga nagtetext ’yun kapag nagda-drive,” I reminded her. “Tanda na nun.”

Kitty frowned. “Mas matanda lang siya sa ’tin ng months,” sabi niya since ewan ko ba kung bakit kakapanganak lang ni Jax e nabuntis agad si Mama. Ang lakas ni Papa, e.

Habang naghihintay, nagkwentuhan na lang kaming dalawa—mostly pina-pa-kwento niya sa akin kung kamusta si Jax. Same lang naman. Nalunod na ng pag-aaral ’yung tao na ’yun. Pero ang nakaka-irita, kahit araw-araw puyat e hindi man lang stressed itsura! Mukhang blooming pa nga si Jax sa law school, e. Nakahanap ng mga may galit sa mundong katulad niya yata.

“Wala naman siyang babae ’dun?” Kitty asked.

“Wala naman yata. Busy sa school ’yun,” I reassured her. Mukhang wala namang nangyari ’dun sa Tinder date ni Jax. Mukhang ’di na rin uulit ’yun dahil iyong pamumula talaga sa mukha niya nung nalaman nila Mama? Sign ’yun na hinding-hindi na ulit gagamit ng Tinder.

“Sure ka, ha? Dami pa naman yatang maganda sa school niya…”

Natawa ako sa kanya. “Alam mo naman ’di tumitingin sa mukha si Jax. Mas gusto nun matalino at may sense kausap,” I reminded her. Nung high school kasi kami, nagka-girlfriend si Jax. First time niya. Nagbreak din sila after a week kasi hindi matagalan ni Jax na puro tungkol sa kababawan— his term, not mine—iyong naririnig niya sa babae.

Kitty sighed. “Okay,” she said, nodding. “May sense naman yata akong kausap…” bulong niya sa sarili niya. “Pero malamang may mga sense din kausap iyong nasa law school…” pagcontradict niya sa sarili niya.

Natawa na lang ako. Ito talaga main problem niya, e. Ni hindi nahahassle sa school ’yan or sa extra-curriculars niya. Tanging si Jax lang may kakayahan na magpa-hassle kay Kitty. Ibang klase talaga ’yung kapatid ko na ’yun. ’Di pa siya nageeffort niyan.

Kitty was busy talking with herself nang may makita akong pamilyar na mukha.

“Uy, sila Psalm!” Kitty said nung pumasok si Psalm, Saint, at saka iyong dalawang freshie na nakita namin sa game dati. Kitty tried to catch Psalm’s attention, but I quickly stopped her attempts. “Bakit?” she asked, confused.

Tinignan ko sila. Saint’s eyes were all on a girl—yong mukhang hindi gagawa ng kasalanan. Si Psalm? He was nodding his head along sa kung anuman ang sinasabi ni Kath, his eyes all on her.

Tsk.

’Yang mga tingin na ’yan, e. Bakit ba ganyan siya tumingin sa kausap niya? Iyong parang lahat ng attention niya nasa ’yo? ’Di ba niya alam na masama iyong ganon?

Kaya nabigyan ng title na Paasa si Psalm, e.

“Nasa double date yata,” I said.

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ni Kitty. “Really? Baka hindi naman. Maybe pinilit lang siya ni Saint?”

I shrugged it off. “Baka totoo naman. Maganda naman si Kath, e. Mukhang mabait din.”

“Maganda ka rin naman at mabait,” sabi ni Kitty.

“Alam ko,” sagot ko.

Kitty laughed. “That’s the spirit,” sabi niya tapos niyakap ako. “Dadating din si Mr. Right, Joey. And when that happens, I’ll be the happiest for you,” she said, hugging me tighter.

Me: NASAN KA NA BA?!

Jax: Outside. Galit ka ba?

Mabilis kong kinuha iyong mga gamit namin, at sinabi kay Kitty na nasa labas na si Jax. Kitty bounced, really excited. Nauna na siyang lumabas, pero dahil sa sobrang excitement niya, bigla siyang napatid kaya napa-tingin sa amin iyong mga tao sa resto.

“I’m okay,” Kitty said, standing up like nothing happened. Iba talaga kapag excited. Mabilis siyang naglakad palabas na parang ’di siya nasaktan. Napailing na lang ako. Susunod na sana ako nung biglang marinig ko iyong pangalan ko.

“Joey?”

Huminga ako.

Nang malalim.

“Uy,” sabi ko nang naka-ngiti pagkatapos kong pumihit, at humarap kay Psalm. “Nandito pala kayo?”

He nodded. “Yeah… where’s Matt and Simon?” he asked.

“May gagawin, e. Nauna na.”

“You going home?”

I nodded. “Yup, sabay kami ni Kitty,” I said, then noticed that Kath was looking at us. Ang lungkot nung mga mata niya. Bigla akong nakonsensya kahit hindi ko alam kung bakit.

“I’ll drive you home?” Psalm offered. Parang tanga ’to. May kasama kaya siya tapos hahatid ako? Siraulo din, e.

“Hala, ’wag na. May date ka pa,” sabi ko. I tried to take a step back dahil masyado yata kaming magkalapit? Ang weird kasi nung tingin ni Kath, e nag-uusap lang naman kami!

“It’s not a date,” he said.

“E ’di double date,” sagot ko.

“Saint just dragged me,” sabi niya ulit.

“Oh, e ’di hinatak ka lang,” sagot ko ulit.

Psalm looked frustrated; Kath looked so sad; Joey just wanted to go home.

I smiled. “Nandyan na si Jax sa labas, actually. Thanks for the offer, though! Enjoy sa date!” sabi ko sabay wave sa kanya. Tumalikod na ako agad, at naglakad palabas.

Paglabas ko, nakita ko na magkausap si Jax at Kitty. Well, at least something good turned out from this rather weird evening.

“Nagcr pa ako, sorry,” sabi ko kay Jax kasi alam ko na tatanungin niya ako bakit nauna si Kitty. Hindi ko alam. ’Di naman kami kambal nito, pero parang may ET connection kaming dalawa—or siya lang sa akin.

“Dito ako sa likod, Jax, sakit ng ulo ko sa exam, higa muna ako,” pagpapaalam ko. Kitty blushed, but mouthed a thank you. It was half-true, anyway. Sumasakit talaga iyong ulo ko, and at the same time, magbonding si Jax at ang hopefully future sister-in-law ko.

I closed my eyes, but my phone vibrated. Twice.

Eldest Broccoli

Text message

Tinder

Marcus Isaiah Nicolas

I sighed, and chose to slide through Marcus’ name. I needed a fucking joke tonight.

Chapter 14

#ABNQ14 Chapter 14

Kitty and Jax were talking, at mukhang hindi naman nila pansin ang presensya ko—not that I wanted my presence be known. Bigay ko na kay Kitty ’tong gabing ’to tutal minsan lang naman niya makausap nang ganito iyong kapatid ko.

Umayos ako sa pagkakahiga ko sa likod habang hinihintay na magload iyong Tinder message ni Marcus. I had been really busy the past few days kaya nawala din sa isip ko na may kausap nga pala ako sa Tinder… though one-way lang naman iyong usapan dahil hanggang ngayon e hindi pa rin ako nakakapagreply. Pero ang kulit din nun, e. Kahit walang nakukuhang reply, message pa rin ng message.

Marcus: May free taste sa mall:

“Free taste po, Ma’am, Sir!” sabi nung nagtitinda.

Lumapit si Juan. “Pare, patikim nga,” sabi niya. Pagkatapos niyang matikman, bigla naisuka, sabay sabi ng, “Pwe! Bakit ganito ang lasa?!”

“Yan! ’Yan ang mangyayari sa pagkain kapag hindi niyo nilagay sa ref! Kaya ano pa ang hinihintay niyo? Bumili na kayo ng refrigerator namin!”

Biglang napaawang iyong labi ko sa nabasa ko. Ang haba ng joke niya! Nag-effort pa talaga siya na i-type ’to? ’Di ba siya busy? Ang alam ko kasi tiga-school lang din siya since hindi ako nagswipe ng hindi tiga-SCA. Exams niya rin malamang, pero daming time magjoke nitong si Marcus.

“Okay ka lang?” Jax asked, briefly looking at me through the rearview mirror.

“Ha? Oo,” sagot ko.

“Bakit ka naka-ngiti?” tanong niya na parang nakakapagtaka na naka-ngiti ako. Sobrang judgmental talaga nito. Porke ba lagi siyang galit sa life, dapat lagi na rin akong galit sa life?

“Memes,” sagot ko para tigilan niya na ako agad. Alam ko na kahit iyon ang sinabi ko, magtatanong pa rin si Kitty kasi iba iyong tingin niya sa akin after kong sabihin iyon. Swerte na lang talaga ako na mas priority niya na i-grab iyong opportunity na makausap si Jax, kaya malamang ’di niya muna ako kukulitin.

Akala ko diretso na kami sa paghatid kay Kitty, pero bigla kaming huminto sa resto. May bibilhin siguro si Jax kaya bumaba muna siya.

“Is there a new guy?” agad na tanong ni Kitty.

“New guy?” pagmamaang-maangan ko. “Sinasabi mo?”

She arched her brow, a sign that she wasn’t buying any of my bullshit. “Before, may hint na talaga ako na may guy ka kasi you kept on grinning kapag hawak mo phone mo. I just didn’t push it kasi naging busy ako. Turned out, si Steele pala ang dahilan… And now, you’re doing that face again,” sabi niya sabay turo sa mukha ko. Napa-hawak din tuloy ako sa mukha ko! Ganito rin iyong sabi ni Psalm sa ’kin nung sinabi niya na naka-ngiti ako after ko mabasa iyong sobrang corny na knock-knock joke ni Marcus!

“Wala nga,” sabi ko.

“Joey…”

“Wala naman kasi talaga,” I replied again, standing on my ground. Ano naman sasabihin ko? Na nagTinder ako one time out of desperation, and because of that, nagkaroon ako ng guy na hobby na yata na magsend sa akin ng jokes? Iniisip ko pa nga lang, nawe-weirduhan na ako, e. Sabihin pa kaya out loud?

I looked at Kitty’s face, and I saw a hint of sadness. I sighed. Alam ko naman na gusto niya lang maging included, because she felt really guilty na wala siya nung times na sobrang kailangan ko siya because of Marcus. Na-guilty tuloy ako bigla.

“There’s this guy,” I began, and she turned even more na natakot ako dahil baka mabali iyong leeg niya. “But walang something.”

She already giggled, wala pa nga akong sinasabi! Sobrang romantic talaga ng babae na ’to! O baka naman high pa siya sa feelings since katabi niya si Jax?

“Saan mo na-meet?” she asked.

“Secret,” I said. This was one thing I’d never tell her about. I’d take it to my grave. Takot ako sa karma dahil sa ginawa ko kay Jax.

“Fine,” she huffed. “Galing school ba?”

I nodded. “I think so…”

“You think so?” nagtataka niya na sabi. “Ano’ng degree?”

“Hindi ko alam,” sagot ko. Bigla akong kinabahan dahil wala nga pala akong alam tungkol kay Jax! Kasi tuwing may joke siya, biglang dadating si Psalm, o kaya naman may gagawin ako bigla hanggang sa malimutan ko na na tignan iyong profile niya.

“You don’t know anything about him… but he’s kinda your guy?” nagtataka niyang sabi ulit.

“Hindi ko nga kasi guy,” paliwanag ko naman ulit. “Ano lang… Uhh…” sabi ko kasi nahihirapan ako na i-verbalize kung ano ba ang connection ko talaga dito kay Marcus. “Nagsesend siya ng jokes sa akin?”

“Huh?”

Kung naguguluhan na si Kitty kanina, mas naguguluhan na siya ngayon.

“Iyon lang talaga ’yun,” sabi ko. “Walang something talaga gaya ng ineexpect mo. It’s just a harmless thing. Joke. Ganon.”

“Name?” tanong niya.

“Ayaw.”

“Joey,” seryoso na sabi niya. “Baka kilala ko. At least mapa-pacify ako na safe ka. Promise, I won’t intrude sa kung anumang joke ’yang ginagawa niyong dalawa. I just want you safe.”

I was about to argue, pero naaalala ko na ganito rin pala ako ka-protective sa kanya. Sa kanila ni Anj. Of course friends ko sila kaya ayaw ko na gagaguhin sila o sasaktan ng kahit sino.

“Fine,” I said, giving in. “But promise if kakilala mo man siya, don’t mention anything about him. Or anything about me sa kanya. Deal?”

She nodded, even raising her hand. “Affirmative. Pero may I ask why?”

“I just… don’t want to complicate things? Okay na ako sa ganito na kapag medyo down ako, may jokes siya na nakakapagpatawa sa akin kahit medyo corny.”

She arched her brow. “And bakit ka medyo down ngayong gabi?” tanong niya. Kahit simpleng tanong lang iyon, alam ko na may pinu-punto siya, pero dahil wala akong energy mag-explain ng bagay na paulit-ulit lang, I just simply shrugged and gave a generic answer.

“Exams,” simpleng sabi ko. “But promise?”

She nodded. “Alright. So, name?”

Huminga ako nang malalim bago binitawan iyong buong pangalan ni Marcus. At bago pa man ako matapos sa pagbitiw ng pangalan niya, biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ni Kitty. Bigla akong kinabahan! Ano’ng meron?! I badly wanted to ask, but also, I didn’t want to know! Ugh! Bakit ko ba nilagay sa ganitong sitwasyon iyong sarili ko?!

Kitty’s eyes were wide, and she was sucking air so bad. God, I was fucking curious!

“What happened?” nagtataka na tanong ni Jax nung makabalik siya. May dala siyang paperbag mula sa resto na favorite ni Mama. Mama’s boy talaga. Pareho silang hater ng human beings, e.

Kitty shook her head adamantly. Ugh! Ang obvious niya masyado na may something kay Marcus! Ano naman kaya ’yun?! Bakit ganoon ang reaksyon niya?!

Jax found her reaction weird, but nonetheless began driving. Habang nasa daan kami, pansin ko na panay ang tingin sa akin ni Kitty sa rearview mirror. Asar na asar ako kasi sobrang curious na tuloy ako kung sino ba si Marcus, at ganyan ang reaksyon ni Kitty!

“Thanks, Jax… Joey,” maka-hulugan na sabi ni Kitty sa pangalan ko nang makarating na kami sa bahay nila. Bumaba agad siya, at saka nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa gate.

“Kitty!” hindi nakatiis na tawag ko sa kanya. Tumigil siya sa paglalakad, at humarap sa akin. “Ano’ng meron kay—” sabi ko, pero bigla akong napatigil. “Never mind.”

Kitty grinned. “You’re in good hands, Joey.”

“Good night,” sagot ko na lang, and rolled the windows up again.

“Lipat,” mabilis na sabi ni Jax. Kaya pala ’di pa umaandar ulit. Mabilis akong bumaba mula sa likod, at saka lumipat sa harap. Jax was looking at me weirdly. Ayan na naman iyong sibling connection na siya lang naman ang nakakaramdam.

“Drive ka na nga.”

“You’re weird.”

“Wow, sa ’yo pa talaga nanggaling,” sagot ko.

“Naka-isip ka na ng regalo?” bigla niyang tanong.

“Hmm… medyo,” sagot ko. “Tapos na exams niyo?”

Umiling siya. “Until Saturday.”

“Kaya mo pa?” I asked. Minsan kasi naaabutan ko siya na madaling-araw na, papa-sikat na iyong araw pero nag-aaral pa rin siya. Minsan, ako na iyong nasstress para sa kanya, e.

“Yeah. I like what I’m doing,” seryosong sabi niya. Nerd.

Pagdating namin sa bahay, nandun na sila Mama at Papa. Kahit kumain na ako kasama sila Kitty kanina, nagdecide ako na kumain ulit kasi syempre family time. Usual lang na nag-usap kami tungkol sa kung ano ang nangyari sa araw namin. Nagdebate na naman sila tungkol sa gobyerno, habang tahimik ako na kumakain ng dessert.

Kinabukasan, last day of exam na. Medyo late akong dumating kasi late din akong nakatulog dahil nag-aral pa kami ni Jax. Medyo napatagal kasi iyong debate nila ni Mama tungkol sa constitution shits nila. So, pagdating ko sa classroom, nagsstart na silang mag-exam.

“God, kinabahan ako ’dun,” sabi ko after kami idismiss.

“Bakit ka na-late?” Kitty asked.

“Long story,” sabi ko. She grinned. “Hindi ’yun!” Ano ba ’yan? Simula ngayon kapag may nangyari sa akin, iaassume niya na agad na Marcus related iyon? Para na siyang sila Matt, tho doon, Psalm related naman.

Bigla kong naramdaman iyong akbay ni Matt sa akin. “Ano’ng oras kayo mamaya?” he asked.

“Around 10? May videochat ako kila Mama,” paliwanag ni Kitty.

“Ikaw, Jo?”

“Around 10 na lang din siguro…” sagot ko. Si Kitty naman kasi kasama ko. Party ni Psalm iyon kaya alam ko na kasama niya mga basketball friends niya and other friends. Ayoko naman makiagaw sa atensyon nila Simon, so hihintayin ko na lang si Kitty.

“Sunduin namin kayo?” Matt offered.

I shook my head. “Pahatid na lang kami sa driver or what. Inom na kayo agad. Deserve niyo ’yan,” I said, patting both their heads. Sobrang stressed kaya ni Simon at Matt nitong exams, so deserve nilang magpaka-wasted ngayon.

Naglakad na kami palabas. “Si Psalm?” tanong ko since ’di ko siya nakita after exam.

“Nauna,” Simon said. “Bakit?”

I shrugged. “Nothing.”

“Badtrip ’yun. Ano kaya problema?” tanong ni Matt kay Simon.

“Ewan. Baka pinagalitan ni coach?”

Matt nodded. “Baka nga. Sana ’di na badtrip mamaya para masaya lang,” sabi niya. Bakit nga kaya badtrip? Hindi kaya maganda nangyari sa date nila kagabi ni Kath?

Speaking of which, ano’ng sapatos kaya iyong nabili ni Kath? Malaki nga kaya talaga ang budget niya sa crush?

Pagdating ko sa bahay, wala sila Mama kaya didiretso na sana ako sa kwarto nang mapansin ko na wala si Jax sa sala like usual.

“Manang, nakauwi na si Jax?” I asked.

“Nasa kwarto niya yata,” sagot ni Manang kaya dumiretso ako sa kwarto ni Jax. Pagdating ko roon, agad na nakita ko ang kawawa kong kapatid na nakahiga sa kama. Agad akong lumapit. He kinda looked pale, so I touched his forehead to confirm my theory.

“Jax…” mahinang sabi ko habang sinusundot ko siya.

He stirred, then opened his eyes a little. “Ano’ng oras na?”

“1pm pa lang,” I said. “May sakit ka. Uminom ka na ng gamot?”

He nodded, then tried to stand up. “Kanina.”

“Nasabi mo na kay Papa?”

He shook his head. “Lagnat lang ’to.”

“Kahit na,” sabi ko. “Baka na-sobrahan ka na sa aral. ’Di ka na natutulog, e,” nag-aalala na sabi ko. May nabasa kaya akong article dati na may doctor na namatay kasi halos hindi na natutulog dahil sa hectic ng shift sa ospital. Ayoko naman magaya iyong nag-iisa kong kapatid ’dun. At saka ’di pa nga sila kasal ni Kitty, byuda na agad.

“I’m fine,” he insisted while walking towards his study table. He grabbed his Statutory Construction book. “I said I’m fine,” sabi niya habang sinusundan ko siya.

“7pm pa naman exam mo, ’di ba?” I asked, and he nodded. “Tulog ka muna ng kahit 3 hours, tapos aral ka na ulit. Gigisingin kita, promise.”

“I said—”

“You’re fine, I know. But trust me, mas makakapagfunction ka mamaya sa exam niyo kapag hindi ganyan na masakit iyong ulo mo. Plus, sobrang nag-aral ka na naman. Kaya mo na ’yang exam,” sabi ko sa kanya. He studies like he’ll die kapag hindi siya nakapag-aral. Ewan ko na lang kapag bumagsak pa siya nun.

After that, natulog na siya. Nag-alarm ako para alam ko na gigisingin ko siya, pero habang tulog siya, nagpaluto muna ako kay Manang ng kakainin ni Jax. Nagtext din ako kay Kitty na baka hindi na kami sabay pumunta sa party since baka ihatid ko muna si Jax sa school and hintayin. 2 hours lang naman exam niya, pero baka ma-traffic din kasi kami.

“Wag mo na akong hintayin,” sabi niya sa ’kin pagdating namin sa school.

“Okay lang. Text mo na lang ako kapag okay ka na para babalik na ako sa sasakyan. Stay muna ako sa cafe,” I told him. He knew there’s no convincing me otherwise, so lumabas na siya. I was just worried na bigla siyang magcollapse sa sobrang stress kaya nag-insist ako na sumama sa school. I know he’d do the same kapag ako iyong may sakit.

It was already 9:30 nung nakabalik si Jax. About 10pm nung makauwi kami sa bahay. About 11pm nung matapos akong magready. About 11:30 nung makarating ako sa club kung nasaan iyong party ni Psalm.

“Bakit ngayon ka lang?!” sabi ni Matt.

Nanlaki iyong mata ko. “Bakit ka galit?!” sigaw ko sa kanya.

He began to drag me inside the club, upstairs, then pointed at the middle of the dance floor where there’s a clearly drunk Psalm… and Kath who’s grinding on him.

What the fuck?

Chapter 15

#ABNQ15 Chapter 15

Ilang beses kong kinurap iyong mata ko.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

Inisip ko kung nasobrahan lang ba ako sa pagod dahil sa ginawa ko buong linggo, but no matter how I tried to argue with myself that my mind was just playing tricks on me, hindi naman nababago iyong nakikita ko.

What the actual fuck?!

Seryoso ba?!

“He’s just drunk,” Matt said, as if it would excuse Psalm’s behavior.

Tahimik lang akong naka-tingin sa baba habang nangyayari ang lahat. Huminga ako nang malalim at saka tumango. “Ah…” I said. “Ganito ba nangyayari tuwing puma-party kayo?” I asked.

“Hindi,” mabilis niyang sagot. “He’s just really drunk this time. ’Di naman ’yan ganyan palagi.”

I would have believed him, had I not seen how… wow. Hindi ko alam na ganito pala ka-wild kapag nalasing si Psalm! I had heard stories, sure, pero never kong na-visualize kasi okay naman siya kapag kasama ko. Totoo nga palang party boy si Psalm… totoo nga pala na if there’s smoke, there’s fire.

Tumango ulit ako, at saka humarap na kay Matt. “Si Kitty?” tanong ko. Kahit medyo madilim sa club, hindi naka-takas sa akin iyong itsura ni Matt. “Bakit ganyan itsura mo?” I asked, laughing a little because it felt like the aura had gone too heavy. “Ayos ka lang?”

“Jo…” sabi niya sa pangalan ko.

“Oh?” sagot ko naman. “Ayos ka lang ba?”

Mukhang magsasalita na si Matt, but decided against it. Instead, he smiled—but not his usual cheeky grin. “Wala,” sabi niya. “Tara, hanapin natin si Kitty.” Inalalayan ako ni Matt since medyo maraming tao sa party. Not totally unexpected since sobrang dami talagang kaibigan ni Psalm sa school.

Wala si Kitty sa lounge sa second floor kaya napilitan kaming umakyat pa sa taas. There, we saw her sitting by herself.

“Mag-isa ka lang?” I asked, and she nodded. “Sorry, medyo na-late ako,” sabi ko pagkaupo ko sa tabi niya.

“Okay lang,” she replied. “Okay na si Jax?”

Tumango ako. “Medyo, pero baka sa Sunday na makapagpahinga talaga kasi may exam pa ulit bukas ’yun, e,” paliwanag ko. Kitty just nodded, but I knew that she was really worried. Minsan, nagtataka ako kung bakit parang sobrang attached and affected niya kay Jax, e minsan lang naman sila nakakapag-usap… ang weird, no? Kahit hindi mo kakilala masyado, ang daling magustuhan. Pag iyon na, iyon na.

Baka totoo nga.

A heart wants what it wants.

After that, we just talked about things not related to school. Nag-usap kami about our plans after graduation, and even made a silly promise to see each other at least once a week.

“I wanna graduate already, but also I wanna stay in school…” malungkot na sabi niya. “Wag mo kong kakalimutan kahit may bagong friends ka na, ha?”

Natawa ako. “Baliw. Of course, hindi. At saka future sister-in-law kaya kita,” I said, causing her to blush too hard kahit na medyo madilim dito sa club.

“Uhm… Nag-usap na ulit kayo ni Marcus?” she asked.

“Hindi,” sabi ko. I bit my tongue to stop myself from asking further. Ayoko kasi. Tama na iyong joke-connection naming dalawa. Also, I didn’t see the sense since malapit na akong grumaduate. Three months halos na lang. I just didn’t want a connection that would get severed soon. Hassle lang.

She nodded. “Ah… bakit? Okay naman siya, ah?”

I eyed her. “You promised na wala kang sasabihin na kahit ano related sa kanya.”

She laughed. “I’m not saying anything! Curious lang ako about the progress…” she sheepishly said. “He’s a really nice guy, Jo. You should give him a shot.”

“Wala naman nga kasi,” I said. “Puro jokes lang. ’Di naman kami nag-uusap talaga.”

“Kaya nga. Try mo kayang replyan? May sense kausap ’yun,” she said na parang campaign manager siya ni Marcus. “At saka masipag, and thoughtful, and maraming pangarap sa buhay.”

“What?” natatawa kong sabi. “Crush mo?”

Umiling siya. “Alam mo naman na loyal ako sa kapatid mo,” she said with conviction. “But nung nalaman ko na kakilala mo si Marcus, bigla kong na-realize na bagay nga kayo! Promise!” sabi niya na tinaas pa iyong isang kamay. “Promise to tell me kapag nag-usap na kayo, ha? Iyong for real?”

I just nodded para matahimik siya. Nagpatuloy kami sa pag-uusap. Natigil lang kami nung may nagsabi sa mic na 10 mins to midnight na. Tumayo kami ni Kitty sa gilid ng ledge, and nakita namin na may nilabas na cake iyong basketball team na may maliit na figurine na kamukha ni Psalm.

“Baba tayo?” I asked.

Kitty looked up. “Daming tao, e,” she said. And true enough, sobrang daming tao nga sa baba kaya wala ring sense if bababa kami. Nagstay na lang kaming dalawa mula sa third floor habang nagsimulang magpatugtog iyong DJ ng kanta. We sang along, and laughed when Psalm had the trouble in blowing the candle.

“He’s so fucking drunk,” I commented dahil muntik na siyang masubsob sa cake.

Kitty nodded. “Yeah, and who’s fault is that?” she said, smiling.

“Aba, malay ko,” sagot ko.

Pagkatapos mahipan ni Psalm iyong candle sa cake niya, bumalik na sa pagpaparty iyong mga tao. Pinapanood ko iyong bawat galaw ni Psalm. He got his phone from his pocket, and stared at it for a second before sighing. Birthday na birthday e ang lungkot ng isang ’to.

“May pagkain ba dito?” I asked Kitty. Coffee lang kasi iyong nainom ko sa coffee shop habang hinihintay si Jax sa school kanina. Hindi na rin ako nakakain sa bahay kasi nagmamadali na rin ako kasi alam ko na late na ako.

“Wala dito, try mo outside may mga resto naman,” she said.

I nodded. “Okay. May papabili ka ba?” I asked, and she shook her head.

Lumabas na ako in search of a real food. Wala naman kasing pagkain dito sa club maliban sa pica-pica. I needed real, greasy food dahil feel ko deserve ko naman after all the shit I went through this week! Hirap talagang mag-exam!

Habang naglalakad ako pababa, bigla akong napa-hinto dahil nakita ko si Psalm at Kath na naglalakad… or sinusundan ni Kath si Psalm? Hindi ko alam.

Bigla akong napapapasok sa fire escape kasi ewan ko! Wala ako sa mood na makita sila or makipag-usap sa kanila. Pagod lang talaga ako ngayong gabi.

But with my fucking luck, sumunod din sila sa fire escape! Ano naman gagawin nilang kababalaghan dito?! At dito pa talaga sila pumunta?!

“Are you alright?” I heard Kath said. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad pababa dahil ayokong ma-corner nilang dalawa dito. But dahil kulob iyong fire escape, kahit na nasa second floor sila at nasa ground floor na ako, rinig na rinig ko pa rin iyong pag-uusap nilang dalawa.

“Yeah,” Psalm said. “My head’s just aching.”

“Oh. You want me to get you water?” tanong ni Kath.

“No, I’m fine. Just go back to the party,” Psalm said.

Ah.

Wala naman pala silang gagawin na kababalaghan dito. Bubuksan ko na sana iyong pinto para makalabas na ako, and makabili na ng food, pero na-shock ang biglang pagkatao ko sa sinabi ni Kath.

“You know I like you, right?”

Literal na napaawang iyong labi ko. She’s so… wow! Wala akong masabi sa babae na ’to! Lakas ng loob!

“You know that I’m drunk, right?” rinig kong sagot ni Psalm.

“I know,” Kath said. “Sorry, but ngayon ko lang nakita iyong chance to confess. Sorry if I seem to exploit you being drunk… but whenever you’re sober, you always seem to find a way to avoid me when you know where what I’m saying is leading to.”

Oh, my God. Bakit ko naririnig ’to?! Gusto ko lang naman kumain! At bakit ba ang chismosa ko?! Hindi naman locked iyong pinto, pwedeng-pwede na ako umalis!

“That’s me being nice,” Psalm said.

“Do you like someone else?” Kath asked.

“That’s really none of your business, Kath.”

“You’re harsh.”

“Because I’m drunk, and I don’t have the patience to be nice to you right now,” mahinahon na sabi ni Psalm. Even when he’s drunk, he’s still kinda nice. “Stop asking Saint to drag me every time. It’s getting annoying already.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

“Shit,” I heard Psalm cursing. “Wag kang umiyak,” he said.

“You’re being mean!” rinig kong sigaw ni Kath. “Gusto lang naman kita, bakit ang sama mo?!”

Ilang segundo ng katahimikan.

“I’m sorry,” Psalm said.

I looked up, and saw Psalm hugging Kath, and gently patting her head. Bakit nga ba tumingin pa ako sa taas? Dapat umalis na ako, e.

“But stop wasting your time on me.”

“May iba ka bang gusto?” Kath asked. I stayed. And waited, but I heard no answer from Psalm.

---

“San ka?” Matt asked after I answered my phone. Dumiretso ako sa isang burger joint, and got myself a big-ass burger with greasy fries and large cup of soda to accompany it. Kung nandito lang si Papa, I knew he’d throw a disapproving look by my unhealthy choices. But I’d argue that I deserve this.

“BK lang,” I said. “Why? Also, pwede na ba umuwi? Antok na ko,” sabi ko. 1:30am na kasi. Ilang oras na lang, 24 hours na akong gising. Antok and pagod na talaga ako.

“Nabati mo na ba si Psalm?”

“Hindi pa. Later na lang. Lasing na rin ’yun, I doubt if he’d remember anything,” I said, then stuffed my mouth with a big bite of burger.

“Batiin mo na,” Matt urged.

“Mamaya na nga. Birthday pa rin naman niya mamaya.”

He groaned na parang frustrated siya sa akin. “Fine. E regalo mo?” Bigla akong natigilan. “Grabe, Jo? Wala ka ring regalo?”

“Meron naman!” sabi ko, defensive.

“San na? Bigay mo na lang.”

“Mamaya na nga. Kulit mo. Magwalwal ka na lang dyan; ako na bahala mamaya, okay?”

He mumbled something incoherent. I asked him about it, but he just dismissed my question. Weirdo nito ngayong gabi, e. Parang agit na agit sa akin, e wala naman akong ginagawa!

After that, I sent a text to Kitty asking if sasabay na siya pauwi kasi uuwi na ako. Sabi niya, mamaya na raw siya. So, nagpasundo na ako kay Manong dahil sa totoo lang, it had been a fucking long day, and I just wanted to rest already.

---

It was already 12noon when I woke up. Pagbaba ko, nakita ko si Jax na nag-aaral na naman. Dahil hindi pa siya nagla-lunch, sabay na kaming dalawa.

“Dumaan si Matt kanina,” sabi niya.

“Huh? Bakit daw?”

He shrugged. “Sabi ko tulog ka.”

I nodded. Bakit kaya? Hindi ko muna inisip, and naglunch muna kaming dalawa. After that, I wanted to back to sleep again since I was feeling really, really tired from everything that happened this week. But before I descended to sleep, my phone vibrated.

Matty: Regalo mo?

Me: Mamamatay ba si Psalm kapag di ko nabigay regalo ko???

Matty: Nagpromise ka

Me: Parang bata, ha. Mamaya nga. Tulog muna ako. Hanggang 11:59pm naman birthday nun.

Matty: Ewan ko sa yo, Joey. Bahala ka

Problema nun? Nakulangan yata sa inom kagabi kaya ako naman binu-bwisit. Bumalik na ako ulit sa tulog. Feeling ko sobrang pagod na talaga ako kaya 9pm na nung nagising ako. Nagtaka rin ako kasi puro text ni Matt ’yung phone ko. Kulit ’din nung isang ’yun, e! May message din si Marcus, pero mas lamang iyong gutom ko kaya bumaba muna ako, at saka kumain. Mag-isa lang akong kumain since wala si Jax.

Since wala si Manong dahil pinagdrive ata si Jax, napilitan ako na magdrive papunta kila Psalm. Medyo weird lang sa akin pumunta sa kanila kasi daming security na kailangan mong lusutan. I mean, kahit ilang beses na akong nakapunta sa kanila, mahigpit pa rin security. Akala mo naman magpupuslit ako ng bomba sa bahay nila.

Ayoko na sana pumunta kasi feeling ko gabi na masyado, but I made a promise to Matt na bibigay ko ’yung regalo ko ngayong gabi kay Psalm. Kung wala siya or tulog, iiwanan ko na lang. At least sumunod ako sa sinabi ko.

“Si Psalm?” sabi ko nung swerte na gising pa si Austin. He was looking at me weirdly since I was in my pajamas and jacket. Matutulog na kasi dapat talaga ako!

“His room,” sabi niya.

“Tulog?”

He shrugged. “Go check,” sabi niya.

“Babae kaya ako,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“So? It’s not as if you’d rape him,” masungit na sabi ni Austin tapos iniwan ako. Tignan mo ’to! Pinaglihi talaga sa sama ng loob!

Nagtry ako na maghanap ng isa sa mga GDL brothers, pero mukhang wala na sila. Huminga ako nang malalim. Ida-drop off ko lang naman iyong regalo ko tapos aalis na ako.

Umakyat ako sa loob, and dumiretso sa kwarto ni Psalm. Alam ko naman kung san ’yun since ilang beses na akong nandito. Though, ngayon lang ako papasok kasi hindi naman ako pumapasok kapag nandito kami.

I gently knocked.

Walang sumasagot.

Tulog siguro.

I sighed.

Binaba ko iyong box na dala ko sa harap ng pinto niya. I also retrieved a sticky note from my bag and a pen.

Happy birthday, Eldest Broccoli!

–Joey

Pagkatapos kong isulat iyon, dinikit ko na iyon sa pinto. Hindi na ako kumatok ulit since iniisip ko na baka sobrang hung over si Psalm dahil sa dami ng ininom niya.

Pababa na ako ng hagdan nung bigla kong marinig iyong pagbukas ng pintuan niya. Bigla akong natigilan, at napa-pihit patalikod. There, I saw a very hung over looking Psalm. He was wearing only his boxer shorts and his hair was a mess. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Halos hubad na siya, e!

“Joey?” sabi niya na parang hindi siya sure sa nakikita niya.

I awkwardly smiled, and nodded. “Uh… I just dropped off your gift,” sabi ko sabay turo sa box sa harap ng pinto niya.

Umawang iyong labi niya. “I thought—”

“That I forgot?” tanong ko. “Of course not,” sabi ko. I smiled. “Happy birthday, Psalm,” sabi ko habang naka-tingin at naka-ngiti pa rin. “I’d hug you, but you’re topless.”

Natawa siya, habang naiiling. “Wait here, I’ll get a shirt,” sabi niya.

“Ha? Uwi na ko. Tulog ka na lang ulit.”

“Nah,” he said. “Wait here, alright?”

“Bakit?”

He looked at his phone. “It’s only 10:30. Celebrate the rest of my birthday with me?” he asked, as if he was unsure of what my answered would be.

I stared at him. “Sure ka?” tanong ko kasi ako ba talaga gusto niyang makasama sa birthday niya?

“Who else would it be?” he replied while looking at me. Bigla akong napa-hugot ng hangin dahil sa sagot niya. Iba epekto yata talaga ng hungover sa mga friends ko! Lahat sila nagiging weird!

Chapter 16

#ABNQ16 Chapter 16

“I am seriously against this,” sabi ko kay Psalm habang papalabas na kami ng village nila. Sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko na feeling ko e anytime, may babaril sa amin bigla.

“It’ll be fine,” sabi niya. “Turn right around that corner,” sabi niya sabay turo.

“Kapag may nangyari talaga—”

“Nothing will happen, Joey. Just chill.”

I glared at him for a second. “Paano ako magchchill?! Tinakasan natin ’yung security mo!” sabi ko sa kanya. Ewan ko rin kung paano nangyari at paano ako na-convince ni Psalm na itakas siya sa bahay nila! Basta ang alam ko, nasa loob na kami ng sasakyan ko. Huminto kami kanina kasi doon siya sumakay sa likod—nagtago sa ilalim ng kumot na lagi kong dala in case na malamig.

“They’ve been with me every single day. I just want a change,” sabi niya.

“They’re there for a reason. Alam mo ba kung saang pamilya ka galing?” medyo naiinis na sabi ko sa kanya. Tsk! Bakit ba ang galing kasi nitong mangonsensya? Napilit tuloy ako na itakas siya kasi hindi raw ako nagpakita sa birthday niya kagabi. E duh? Paano ako magpapakita e busy siya sa pag-inom at paglandi?

“I know, of course, but you can’t blame me for being curious,” he said, shrugging. “Do you know the way to Tagaytay or palit tayo and I’ll drive?” he asked.

“I’ll drive,” sabi ko sabay hagis sa kanya nung ball cap. “Takpan mo na lang ’yang mukha mo.”

Tawang-tawa siya. “You’re so paranoid!” sabi niya habang tinatawanan ako. Hinatak ko siya, at saka nilagay ko sa ulo niya iyong cap. Binaba ko rin para hindi masyadong kita iyong mukha niya. Aba, walang masama sa pagiging safe. Paano kapag may nangyari sa kanya? E ’di lagot ako?

“Ang kulit!” sabi ko nung sinusubukan niyang tanggalin ’yung cap. “Suotin mo na, please?”

“Say please again.”

“Ugh. Ang arte mo ngayon.”

“Say please again, Joey.”

I glared at him. “Lasing ka pa yata,” sabi ko kasi ano’ng nainom nito? Nagpapa-cute yata. Ewan ko. Ngumiti lang siya sa ’kin, pero thank God sinuot niya na iyong cap.

“Can I roll the window down?” he asked.

I groaned. “Gusto mo ba talagang ma-kidnap?”

“My parents are just paranoid. Wala namang kikidnap sa ’kin,” he said, shrugging. He seriously couldn’t comprehend the fact na member siya ng isa sa pinaka-malaking political families sa Philippines. Of course palaging may gusto kumidnap sa kanya!

“Please lang. If you still want to go to Tagaytay, kalma ka lang d’yan. Or magpatugtog ka if you want.”

“Nah. I’m enjoying the silence,” he said.

“What?” sabi ko nung maramdaman ko na naka-tingin siya sa ’kin habang nagda-drive ako. Balak ko sana na ’wag na lang pansinin dahil feeling ko nasa sistema pa rin ni Psalm iyong lahat ng alak na ininom niya, but I couldn’t shake the feeling off. Ramdam na ramdam ko na naka-titig siya sa ’kin.

“If I didn’t go out earlier, you really won’t greet me personally?” he asked.

Natawa ako. “Grabe. Ang serious mo naman masyado,” sabi ko kasi feeling ko biglang ang seryoso niya. Na-awkward-an ako bigla. “Nagpunta naman ako sa party mo, ’di ba?”

“Yeah, but you didn’t show up in front of me.”

“Lasing ka na kasi agad.”

“Why were you late?”

“May sakit si Jax, so inalagaan ko muna ’yung kapatid ko,” sabi ko. Bakit ba nagpapaliwanag ako dito? At bakit feeling ko nasa interrogation ako bigla?

He nodded. “You could’ve texted me that you’re going to be late.”

Natawa ako. “I thought you’d be busy since nandun lahat ng friends mo. At saka pupunta rin naman ako, late nga lang ng sandali,” sabi ko pero nung lumingon ako sandali, nakita ko na seryoso iyong mukha ni Psalm. “Uy, galit ka ba?”

He let out a sigh. Parang ang laki naman ng problema nito.

“I understand,” sabi niya pero parang hindi naman. “Is Jax fine?”

I nodded. “Yeah, medyo okay na siya,” sabi ko. “Sorry talaga… Hindi ko kasi kayang iwan si Jax, e wala naman sila Mama kasi nasa trabaho. Ayaw din ipa-text ni Jax kasi lagnat lang naman daw. Tapos—”

“It’s fine, Joey,” Psalm cut me off.

“E… parang galit ka, e.”

“I just thought you ditched me,” he said. Tinignan ko siya. Nahuli ko na naka-tingin siya sa ’kin. Ano’ng problema nito?

“Grabe, parang ’di tayo friends niyan? Bakit naman kita ididitch?” sabi ko habang naka-ngiti. His face turned sour again. Ano na naman nasabi ko?

“Right,” he mumbled under his breath.

Nang nasa skyway na kami, pinilit ko siya na magpatugtog kasi ang awkward for me that we’re just sitting in silence, but Psalm was adamant na tahimik lang. Ewan ko sobrang weirdo niya ngayon.

“May celebration kayo ng family mo?” I asked because I was really not feeling the silence. Tapos feeling ko pa naka-tingin siya sa ’kin.

“Next week pa,” he said. “Papa’s somewhere,” sabi niya.

I nodded. “Ano’ng regalo ng kapatid mo sa ’yo?”

“Hugs.”

Natawa ako. “Seryoso ba?”

“Yeah… They’re stingy,” sabi ni Psalm, wrinkling his nose. ’Di ko maimagine. Ang dami kayang pera ng mga ’to, tapos hug lang ang regalo sa birthday? Sobrang weird talaga ng GDL brothers!

“Mas okay naman pala ’yung regalo ko,” sabi ko habang natatawa pa rin na hug iyong binigay nila Austin kay Psalm nung birthday niya. Those weird boys.

Nagulat ako nung biglang abutin ni Psalm iyong box mula sa backseat. “Buksan ko na, Joey?” paalam niya.

“Hala, mamaya na. Buksan mo na lang if wala ako,” sabi ko. Nakakahiya naman kasi! Nakita ko iyong regalo sa kanya nung nasa club kami—puro designer items. Kaya nga ’di ko na binaba sa sasakyan iyong regalo ko nung nasa club ako, e. Kahiya na matabi sa regalo ng ibang friends niya.

“Please?” sabi niya. Nasa lap niya na iyong box.

“Nakakahiya.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “Sobrang random lang ng gifts ko…”

“So… gifts, not gift?” he asked. Paglingon ko, he looked like an excited kid nung malaman niya na marami akong gifts sa kanya. Seriously, though, he’s so freaking weird tonight!

I nodded. “But sobrang random lang talaga…”

“It’s alright,” he said. “Buksan ko na, please?”

It’s so freaking weird hearing him say please repeatedly. I mean, he’s the captain of the basketball team na champion every year! Tapos sobrang pa-cute niya tonight!

I groaned. “Fine. But walang sisihan kapag na-disappoint ka,” sabi ko para disclaimer na rin.

“I won’t get disappointed,” he said like he’s so sure.

“Buksan mo muna bago mo sabihin,” I said. Nagconcentrate na ako sa daan since malapit na kami nung mapansin ko na hindi pa rin binubuksan ni Psalm iyong box. “Uy, akala ko bubuksan mo na?”

Sinubukan ko na lumingon sandali. Napansin ko na naka-tingin na naman siya sa ’kin. Naweweirduhan ba siya dahil naka-pajama lang ako? E wala naman kasi sa plano ko na makarating sa Tagaytay ngayon! Sobrang as in naka-pajama and jacket lang ako. Ni walang kahit isang makeup sa mukha ko kasi nga matutulog na dapat ako!

Tinanggal ko iyong isang kamay ko sa steering wheel, at saka tinakip sa noo ko. God! Dahil ba wala akong kilay?! Sobrang weird ko pa naman kapag hindi ako nakapagkilay! Para akong alien! Parang puro noo lang ako!

“What?” nagtataka na sabi ni Psalm.

“Kaya ba sobrang weird mo kasi wala akong kilay?!”

Mas lalong kumunot iyong noo niya. “What?” sabi niya na gulung-gulo… tapos biglang tawang-tawa na siya. Nagsh-shake pa iyong shoulders niya sa sobrang tawa. Grabe! Palibasa lalaki siya kaya hindi niya problema ang magkilay!

“Sobrang judger mo, ha, Psalm Christian!” sabi ko habang patuloy na nagda-drive gamit ang isang kamay lang.

He was still doubling over in laughter. “You thought I was serious because of your eyebrows—or the lack thereof?”

I glared at him so bad, pero tinawanan lang ako ng broccoli na ’to! Wow, akala mo wala siyang imperfections! Okay, fine. Sobrang kinis ng mukha niya tapos parang chiseled iyong jaws niya. Pero mukha talaga siyang broccoli kapag naglalakad, so ibibilang ko ’yun bilang imperfection niya.

“Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey,” sabi niya, natatawa pa rin habang seryoso pa rin ako sa pagda-drive dahil baka mabangga kami dahil sa inis ko sa pagiging judger niya sa kilay ko. E matutulog na nga kasi ako!

“Walangya ka, napaka-sama ng ugali mo!” I hissed.

He was still laughing. “You have the weirdest thoughts.”

Hanggang makarating kami sa Tagaytay proper, pinipilit niya lang na tanggalin ko iyong kamay ko sa noo ko dahil gusto daw niyang makita iyong kilay ko. Pasalamat siya hindi kami nabangga kahit sobrang epal niya lang talaga.

Nang makahinto kami sa favorite Bulalo place namin, he was still being so fucking annoying!

“Lumabas ka nga muna, at magkikilay lang ako!” bulyaw ko sa kanya sabay kuha nung makeup kit ko sa glove compartment gamit ang isang kamay lang.

“Are you mad?” he asked.

I glared at him. “Hindi!”

He was still red from laughing. Akala ko kung ano ang gagawin niya. Kinuha niya iyong suot niya na cap, at saka sinuot sa ’kin. “You don’t have to wear makeup when you’re with me,” he said, gently patting my head.

“Bakit? Kasi masaya ka na tinutukso mo ako?” sabi ko habang inaayos iyong pagkakalagay niya ng cap sa ulo ko.

He smiled, then patted my head again. “Because I want you comfortable with me, Joey.”

“Duh. Comfortable naman ako kasi friends tayo.”

He let out what seemed a sigh. “Right,” he said. Akala ko magpapaka-serious mode na naman siya, pero ngumiti agad siya. “So, can I open my gifts now?” Parang tanga. Inemphasize niya pa talaga na gifts iyong binigay ko sa kanya. Sabagay… kung hugs lang binibigay ng mga kapatid mo sa ’yo, malamang maappreciate mo talaga kahit maliit na bagay lang mula sa friends mo.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

Like a kid, sobrang excited niyang binuksan iyong regalo ko. Muntik na sana akong mag-explain kung bakit sobrang random ng mga binigay ko, pero mukhang masaya naman si Psalm sa mga nakikita niya. Napa-ngiti tuloy ako. Bihira na kasi iyong mga tao na appreciative sa kahit maliliit na bagay.

I chewed on my lower lip as I watched him look at every single thing inside the box. “Uhh… if you noticed, the past few days, nasa gym palagi kami ni Kitty,” I explained. “I was looking for the things you usually use when you’re playing…” sabi ko.

His lips parted. “I thought that was weird,” he said. “You usually don’t care about basketball.”

I glared at him again. “It’s not that I don’t care, hindi ko lang ma-gets ’yung logic kasi,” I explained. “Anyway, alam ko may mga sponsor ka sa mga gantong bagay, but—”

Psalm cut me off again. “I appreciate these, Joey. Thank you.”

I blinked.

He was so… serious.

“I appreciate you taking interest in basketball just to buy me gifts. That even though you find basketball boring and illogical, you went through all the trouble just to get me these,” sabi niya sabay tapik sa hawak niyang box. Then he looked me in the eyes, and smiled. “Thank you, Joey.”

My throat suddenly felt dry, but I managed to say, “Uhh… you’re welcome.”

Pagpasok namin sa loob ng kainan, nagsabi ako na pupunta lang ako sa CR sandali. Pero ang totoo niyan, sumaglit ako sa coffee shop na bukas pa. I bought a slice of cake, and thank god, ewan ko kung bakit may maliit na candle sa sasakyan ko. I also asked the server sa resto if he had a lighter, and meron naman. Pagbalik ko sa loob, napahinto ako kasi biglang nasa table na iyong box na regalo ko, and it seemed like Psalm was taking pictures of the box from different angles.

What a weird dude.

So, while he was busy doing a photoshoot with the box, I began singing happy birthday.

“Happy birthday to you—” I was singing when Psalm turned around. His lips parted in surprise when he noticed that I was holding a slice of cake. Mabuti na lang walang masyadong tao ngayon kaya hindi masyadong nakaka-hiya.

I continued singing, while Psalm looked like he was genuinely surprised. There’s this twinkle in his eyes na parang ang saya niya lang. Ang sarap niyang i-surprise. Naaappreciate niya lahat. Kahit slice ng cake lang.

“Make a wish,” I said, smiling while holding the cake in front of him.

He was looking at me, his lips slightly parted. Gwapo nga talaga.

“Tapos ka na?” I asked. He nodded. “Magkakatotoo ’yan,” sabi ko sabay baba nung cake sa table.

“I hope so,” he replied, still looking at me. Tsk. Sabi na dapat nagkilay muna talaga ako, e. Nawe-weirduhan pa rin siguro siya na wala akong kilay kahit hindi naman na masyadong halata dahil naka-cap na ako.

“Anyway, selfie muna tayo? Para matahimik si Matt,” sabi ko dahil sa totoo lang, kaya nakarating ako sa Tagaytay dahil sa sobrang kulit ni Matt. Halos ma-deadbatt phone ko dahil panay tawag at text siya!

We both leaned in para makita iyong mukha naming dalawa sa screen… but before I could even take a snap, a notification popped.

New message from Marcus!

Chapter 17

#ABNQ17 Chapter 17

Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko, at kinuha iyong phone ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang sobrang defensive ko? Bakit naman kasi sobrang wrong timing nitong si Marcus sa mga jokes niya! At saka halos alas-dose na, tapos magsesend siya ng joke?! Napaka-weird din nung isang ’yun, e!

“Marcus?” Psalm asked, his forehead creased.

I smiled awkwardly. “Uhh… oo, friend ko.”

I wasn’t exactly lying… I think. Siguro naman friends na kami ni Marcus kasi napapatawa niya naman ako kahit sobrang corny ng jokes niya minsan. Iyon nga lang hindi pa kami nagkikita, at wala naman akong balak makipagkita sa kanya in the near future. But still, feeling ko medyo kilala ko na siya… which was weird.

“From school?”

“Yes,” mabilis kong sagot na mabilis ko ring pinagsisihan. Fudge! Nalimutan ko na Mr. Friendly nga pala ’tong si Psalm! Malamang baka kilala niya rin! E kilala nga ni Kitty, e! What were the chances na kilala rin siya ni Psalm?

I quickly tossed my phone inside the pocket of my jacket. Naupo na rin ako, at saka kinuha iyong menu. I guess I should just pretend that this wasn’t a big deal kasi hindi naman talaga big deal. It’s just Marcus… na wala akong balak makita in person.

“Umorder ka na ba?” I asked.

Naka-kunot pa rin iyong noo niya. “Last name?”

“Bulalo as usual?” I asked.

“Marcus?” tanong niya na parang hinihintay ako na magsupply ng last name.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “It’s just Marcus. Walang last name. Parang si Pink…” I said in an attempt to make him laugh—or at least make him smile, but to no avail since serious pa rin siya. “Wala lang ’yun, baka may tinatanong lang or what.”

“He texts you this late at night?”

I shrugged. “Minsan…”

Gosh, ano na ba ’tong pinagsasabi ko?! I felt like I was starting to get in so deep, baka mamaya kung anu-ano na ang masabi ko!

“Order na tayo,” I urged. Sana malimutan niya na ’yung pangalan ni Marcus! Baka mamaya sabihin niya pa ’dun sa dalawang epal, tapos tatlo na naman siya na mambu-bwisit sa ’kin. Sobrang epal pa naman ni Matt at Simon minsan. Mamaya magulat na lang ako hanapin nila lahat ng Marcus sa school para lang ma-satisfy iyong curiosity nila, e!

While waiting for the food, nagCR muna ako ulit dahil ewan ko ba natetensyon ako rito kay Psalm. Pagbalik ko, nanlaki ang mga mata ko nung makita ko na nasa facebook group ng school namin si Psalm. He just freaking searched the name Marcus sa group!

Mabilis kong inagaw iyong phone niya.

“Hey!” sabi niya.

“Wag mo na kasing hanapin!” sigaw ko habang tinago sa likod ko iyong phone niya. “Friends lang naman kami!” sabi ko. Biglang tumayo si Psalm kaya kinabahan ako. Ang tangkad pa naman niya!

Nagsimula akong umatras dahil bigla talaga akong kinabahan. Nasa likod ko pa rin iyong phone niya. Sa sobrang kaba ko, bigla na lang akong napatakbo sa labas.

“Uy, tama na kasi!” I said dahil patuloy pa rin siya sa paglapit sa akin. He wasn’t even running, but the fact that he was staring at me intently was enough to make my heart beat wildly inside my chest. Ano ba naman kasing pumasok sa isip ko para agawin iyong phone niya?! But more importantly, ano ba kasing pumasok sa isip niya para i-search pa talaga si Marcus sa school?!

Umatras ako.

Nang umatras.

Fuck.

“Stop ka na d’yan,” I said when he was only a few feet from me. “Ibabalik ko na ’yung phone mo, pero ’wag ka nang lumapit,” I begged dahil feeling ko sasabog na ’yung dibdib ko kapag lumapit pa rin siya sa ’kin. Bawat hakbang niya, feeling ko talaga may sasabog na sa dibdib ko.

But of course this freaking broccoli didn’t heed my request. Humakbang pa rin siya nang humakbang. Umatras pa rin ako nang umatras hanggang sa maramdaman ko sa likod ko iyong sasakyan ko.

My throat felt dry.

“Uy… kinakabahan na talaga ako…” I said.

He was staring at me, still. “Last name?”

“Wala nga…”

“Joey, everyone has a last name,” he said in a serious tone.

“Hasty generalization,” I replied. He clenched his jaw. I know. I was being hard again. But he seriously couldn’t force me to say things I didn’t want to say! At saka isa pa, Marcus’ existence should’ve been a secret dahil wala namang point na malaman pa niya! Ang wrong timing naman kasi nung magmessage!

“Fine,” he said. He held out his hand. “Phone?”

“Di mo na isesearch?” I asked, my eyebrow arched.

“I can’t force you to tell me his last name, same way you can’t force me not to search,” he said, shrugging.

“Psalm naman!” sabi ko na parang bata na. Humakbang siya palapit sa ’kin kaya magkaharap kami habang nakasandal pa rin ako sa sasakyan ko. He was staring down at me dahil mas maliit ako sa kanya. He looked really serious kaya feeling ko within this week malalaman niya na kung sino si Marcus.

“My phone, Joey,” he said.

I looked at him, and sighed. I willed myself to cry because I knew that that’s the only way that he’d fuck off. Nagsimula akong mag-isip na patay na si Jax kaya naman mabilis na nagluha iyong mga mata ko. Kitang-kita ko iyong gulat sa mga mata ni Psalm nung ma-realize niya na iniiyakan ko siya sa sobrang kulit niya.

“Are you seriously crying because of that Marcus?” seryosong tanong niya sa ’kin.

I nodded, begging my tears to continued falling. “Ang kulit mo kasi. Sabi na na ’wag mong hanapin…”

Psalm looked conflicted. Like he was torn between his desire to find Marcus, but also he wanted me to stop crying. Ilang segundo siyang naka-tingin sa ’kin habang ako, patuloy lang ang pag-iyak. Ilang beses ko nang pinatay si Jax sa isip ko para lang ’wag akong tumigil sa pag-iyak.

“Fine,” Psalm said, sighing. Akala ko may sasabihin pa siya, pero tumalikod lang siya, at saka naglakad pabalik sa resto.

And that was the end of the night. Nothing monumental happened right after.

---

“Hello?” I asked, my eyes still closed because they felt heavy. It was Sunday and I just wanted to lay in my bed and rest. Sobrang hectic ng buong linggo ko kaya gusto ko lang sanang magpahinga ngayon.

“Joey!” Kitty’s high-pitched voice woke me from my sleep.

“What?” sabi ko habang naka-pikit pa rin.

“San ka na? We’re having lunch, remember?”

“Huh?”

“Birthday lunch with Psalm?” sabi niya.

Shit. Oo nga pala. Tuwing birthday nila Matt, Simon, Psalm, and Steele (before when we’re still friends ), mayroon kaming standing lunch date tuwing birthday nila. Dahil members sila ng basketball team, usually may party talaga para sa lahat ng friends nila. Tapos kaming ‘inner circle’ bumabawi na lang tuwing Sunday. Hindi pwede ng Saturday kasi pretty sure they’re still nursing hangovers.

Napaupo ako sa kama kahit masakit pa iyong ulo ko dahil sa puyat. Almost 3 am na kasi akong naka-uwi.

“I think Psalm’s mad at me,” I said.

“Bakit?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know… Basta ang alam ko, kinukulit niya pa ako about Marcus—”

“He knows about Marcus?!” sigaw ni Kitty kaya nalayo ko bigla iyong phone sa tenga ko dahil ang sakit nung biglaang sigaw niya!

“Yeah, geez, calm down,” I said. Sinigurado ko na naka-lock iyong room ko bago ko nilagay sa loud speaker mode. Mamaya chismoso pa si Jax at malaman niya pa mga problema ko. Tapos gagamitin niya against me. Mga galawan niya.

“Paano niya nalaman?” Kitty asked, now sounding giddy.

“We were taking a selfie to show Matt na I actually gave Psalm his gift, tapos biglang nagpop iyong notif sa phone ko na may message si Marcus,” sabi ko pero na-cut iyong sasabihin ko dahil sa tili ni Kitty. Seriously, this girl.

“Tapos?”

“He asked about the last name, ayokong sabihin syempre. Tapos pagbalik ko from CR, nasa facebook group ng school tapos nagsearch ng name na Marcus ’dun!” sabi ko tapos biglang tumawa nang malakas si Kitty. Wala namang nakakatawa! Halos atakihin ako sa puso kasi nakita ko na iyong name na Marcus Nicolas dun sa phone niya! Mabuti na lang ang daming Marcus sa school kaya ’di niya nakita agad.

“Bihis ka na, dali!”

I groaned. “Baka tanungin niya ulit ako.”

“I know,” Kitty said, sounding a bit like evil. “It’s gonna be fun, Joey…” sabi niya tapos bigla ko siyang na-imagine na naka-evil grin. “I’ll text you the resto, then pa-drive ka kay Jax. Hehe,” sabi niya then she ended the phone. That conniving girl.

Although I was really tired, I willed myself to get ready because I was pretty sure that Matt wouldn’t let me hear the end of it kapag hindi ako nagpakita—not that I was planning on ditching kasi promise ko sa sarili ko na present ako palagi sa birthdays nila.

An hour later, I was ready. My eyebrows were done to perfection. Though I opted for Manong to drive me there kasi ayokong gisingin si Jax dahil kakatapos lang ng exams niya. Kitty would understand naman.

Pagdating ko sa resto, sabay kaming bumaba ni Anj. Napa-hinto pa kami ng sabay. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. It felt… better than usual. Though I really missed her. Pero wala kasi. Nasabi na lahat ng masasakit na salita. Hindi na mababawi.

“I didn’t see you at Psalm’s party,” I said, trying to initiate small talk.

“I was there. Kasama ko sila Precilla,” she replied. I just nodded. Gets ko naman na sa iba siya sumama since baka awkward siya around me. Sayang lang kasi talaga ’yung barkada. But I was happy na kapag ganto na important occasion, magkakasama kami.

Pagdating namin sa loob, magkakasama iyong mga lalaki. Lahat sila naka-tingin sa phone nila, while Kitty’s laughing while looking at them.

“It’s weird…” Anj uttered beside me.

I gritted my teeth. I was pretty sure na si Marcus na naman iyong hinahanap nila. At talagang nagrecruit pa si Psalm ng tutulong sa kanya!

Naupo ako sa tabi ni Kitty. Nung nakita nila na nandun na kami, at saka lang nila tinago iyong phone nila. These jerks. Wala na yata iyong salitang privacy sa amin. Ang kukulit!

“Joey!” masayang sabi ni Matt.

“What?” I snapped while glaring at Psalm.

“Nothing,” Matt said, grinning. Ugh! Sobrang epal!

Hindi ko na sila pinansin right after. Since si Psalm ang magbabayad, I made sure to order the most expensive food on the menu. Dito ko na lang ilalabas iyong bwisit sa kanya since alam ko naman na ’di ko siya mapipigilan kung gusto man nilang hanapin si Marcus. Basta kahit mamatay man ako, ’di ako aamin kung sinong Marcus.

“Nakaka-inis,” sabi ko habang iyong mga lalaki, busy na naman sa phone nila habang hinihintay namin iyong food. Pati si Steele, kasama rin nila!

Kitty laughed. “Kanina pa ’yan,” she said. “Nakita mo na ’yung list?”

Nanlaki iyong mata ko. “What list?!”

Kitty pointed using her lips iyong papel na sinusulatan ni Simon. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. I quickly stood up, and grabbed the paper.

“Hey! Baka mapunit!” sabi ni Simon nung mabilis kong kinuha iyong paper. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nung makita ko na iba-ibang Marcus iyong naka-lagay sa papel.

Oplan Finding Marcus:

Marcus Abellano – Accountancy, 5th year

Marcus Arellano – Math, 4th year

Marcus Baldivicio – Biology, 3rd year

Marcus Bernabe – Accountancy, 4th year

Marcus Cruz – Tourism, 4th year

Nanlaki lalo iyong mga mata. Seriously?! May dalawang page na iyong papel nila na punung-puno ng Marcus galing sa school. What the fuck?! Wala ba silang ibang magawa kung hindi ang hanapin si Marcus?!

“Pang 36, Marcus Isaiah Nicolas, dude,” sabi ni Steele. “4th year BS Chemical Engineering. President ng Student Council. Member din ng swimming team.”

Matt nodded, pagkatapos maglabas ng bagong papel. “Okay, noted. Next?”

Oh, my God. Hindi talaga sila titigil.

Kitty elbowed me. “See? Entertaining.”

Chapter 18

#ABNQ18 Chapter 18

I was seriously going out of my freaking mind! Pagbalik namin sa school, I already had an inkling kung ano ang mangyayari. What happened last Sunday was a premonition of what’s about to happen. At alam ko na kahit mag-iiyak ako sa harapan nila Psalm, hindi ko na sila mapipigilan sa gusto nilang gawin.

“I seriously fucking hate you,” sabi ko kila Matt. Kakatapos lang magdismiss ng klase na wala naman kaming ginawa kasi kakatapos lang ng exams. The guys were so excited for the class to end na nauna pa silang lumabas. Kitty was laughing like it was so entertaining, while Anj looked clueless. Magkakatabi kami ngayon since nung birthday lunch ni Psalm, medyo nagkausap na kami. We still weren’t back on our normal speaking terms, but this was an improvement.

Even Steele was joining Psalm in his stupid Oplan Finding Marcus.

Matt patted the top of my head. “Okay lang, mahal ka pa rin namin,” sabi niya habang tumatawa. Naunang lumabas iyong mga lalaki. Seriously, nagkukumpulan sila. I even heard them spilling the list up para isa-isa nilang makita! Ang sarap kausapin ng coach nila para sabihin na ang daming time ng players niya!

Since the guys left, naiwan kaming tatlo nila Anj. I knew that Kitty knew that Anj and I were not completely okay yet, so she’s acting as the arbiter.

“Hindi ko alam kung bakit kaibigan natin sila,” sabi ko habang tinitignan iyong mga lalaki palayo. Mukhang nag-e-enjoy talaga sila kasi naririnig ko pa sila na tumatawa. They’re surely freaking enjoying my misery.

Kitty laughed. “Ang cute kaya nila.”

I rolled my eyes. “Cute my ass. Hintayin mo na magka-boyfriend ka, tignan mo kung gaano sila ka-annoying.”

Kitty shook her head. “Nah. I don’t think it’ll be the same,” she said, grinning at me. She, then, turned her head at Anj—who looked clueless. Then, Kitty looked at me. I gave her a nod, signaling na okay lang naman na sabihin niya kay Anj. ’Di ko kasi masabi kasi medyo awkward pa rin for me, pero okay lang naman if siya ang magsasabi.

Naglalakad kami papunta sa cafeteria habang sinasabi ni Kitty kay Anj iyong mga nangyari. Kitty told it so animatedly na dahilan kung bakit napailing na lang ako. Feeling ko tuloy sobrang bored ng mga friends ko kaya ako na lang pinagti-tripan nila.

“Hindi mo kilala si Marcus?” hindi napigilan na itanong ni Anj.

I shook my head. “Hindi… bakit?”

Kitty laughed. “It’s just really weird, Joey. Marcus is like the poster-boy of our school. Model student. You know?” she explained.

I just shrugged. “Hindi naman ako masyadong involved sa kahit ano’ng nangyayari sa school. Bumuboto lang ako kapag elections dahil sa ’yo,” I said, then she gave me a side-hug dahilan kung bakit muntik na kaming matumba.

“Love you,” she said.

“Love you, too,” I replied. Then, I noticed that Anj’s face suddenly looked sullen. Gusto ko tuloy biglang suntukin iyong sarili ko dahil ang insensitive ko. “Anyway, saan tayo kakain?”

“Don’t change the subject!” Kitty chided. “Ano’ng gagawin mo if malaman nila kung sinong Marcus iyong hinahanap nila?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “Kasi hindi naman ako aamin, at wala rin kayong sasabihin.”

Kitty laughed. “Oh, Joey, you’re belittling the skills of the desperate,” sabi niya hanggang makarating kami sa cafeteria. Pagdating namin doon, nagvolunteer ako na ako na lang ang bibili dahil mukhang engrossed na engrossed sila sa pinag-uusapan nila—si Marcus. Also, I didn’t want to listen to anything about him. Ayoko lang ma-curious. Ilang buwan na lang kasi tapos na iyong class, so I didn’t really see the sense.

Pagbalik ko sa table, they were still talking about Marcus.

“Gosh, pwedeng ’wag niyo pag-usapan around me?” sabi ko.

“Sorry, it’s just really fascinating how small the world is,” Kitty said. “Sabihin mo na kasi kung paano kayo nagkakilala…” she pressed. I shook my head. “Nanood ka ng swim meet?” I shook my head. Hindi talaga ako interested sa sports. “Napadpad ka sa HQ ng council while looking for me, then nakita mo si Marcus?” I shook my head again. “E saan mo siya nakilala?”

I flickered my eyelids, which made Kitty grunt. At least there’s one thing they’d never know.

We were already almost done with our food when the guys arrived. Hawak pa rin nila iyong list, tapos may mga naka-cross na doon. Grabe. Grabe talaga.

“Tapos na kayo?” Kitty asked.

Simon nodded, then took the seat right next to Kitty. “Yeah, hanggang number 12,” sabi niya tapos nakiagaw sa iniinom ni Kitty.

“Ano’ng ginawa niyo?” tanong ni Anj.

Matt shrugged. “Nag-ikot lang sa school tapos hinanap iyong mga Marcus.”

“Then?”

“Ji-nudge namin kung iyon ba ’yung tipo na magugustuhan ni Joey. Kapag hindi, cross out. Kapag oo, proceed sa next round,” seryosong paliwanag ni Matt.

What the serious fuck?

“What constitutes as Joey’s type?” Kitty asked, clearly entertained with what’s happening. Gosh, I should’ve never went to Tagaytay with Psalm, hindi sana mangyayari ’to! Ayaw na nila tuloy akong tigilan! God forbid hanggang maka-graduate kami, ito pa rin ang issue nila!

“Based on facts, kung titignan natin si Steele,” sabi ni Matt kaya napa-tingin si Steele na tinignan nang masama si Matt. “Gwapo, matangkad, medyo hindi matalino, pero sobrang gago.”

“Tangina mo,” mabilis na sabi ni Steele. ’Di ko mapigilan na matawa kasi ganito sila dati nung hindi pa nangyayari ’yung kay Steele.

“Dude, I’m just stating facts. Pa-tingin ng grades mo?” hamon ni Matt kay Steele. Tinaas lang ni Steele iyong middle finger niya. “Tignan mo. Tsk.”

Nagpatuloy sila sa pag-uusap sa kung anu-ano. Thankfully, medyo nalimutan na yata nila iyong tungkol kay Marcus dahil engrossed iyong mga lalaki sa pag-uusap tungkol doon sa bagong lalabas na sapatos na pangbasketball.

“San ka pupunta?” Kitty asked nung tumayo ako.

“Sa lib, may hihiramin lang na books,” I said. Kitty nodded, then resumed talking with Anj. Nagsmile lang ako kay Anj bago ako umalis. After that, dumiretso na talaga ako sa lib. Hindi ko pa kasi nasasabi sa friends ko, pero balak kong kumuha ng NMAT. I just didn’t want to jinx it in case na hindi ako pumasa… Wala nga talaga akong gustong pagsabihan kasi hindi pa man ako nag-e-exam, nape-pressure na ako. Papa’s one of the renowned neurologists in the country, so syempre automatic na may expectations iyong mga tao. Ang hirap lang na parang kailangan lagi kang may patunayan.

I still had plenty of time before the next class starts, so I figured na mag-aaral na lang muna ako. I knew I had to take extra effort kung gusto kong pumasok sa medschool since hindi Science-related iyong degree ko ngayon.

Kumuha ako ng books about Chemistry and Physics since iyon ’yung feeling ko na kailangan kong pag-effort-an. Sa Bio and Social Science, feeling ko medyo okay na ko. Besides, maybe I’d enroll in a review center kapag sure na talaga ako.

Pinili ko na maupo doon sa lugar na walang masyadong tao. Nagsuot din ako ng earphones na nagpe-play ng classical music. I began to scan through the pages first, when I noticed that there were sticky notes on some of the pages.

I heard Oxygen and Magnesium were going out…

And I was like, OMg

I pursed my lips, and bit on it habang pinipigilan iyong tawa ko. Sandali kong sinarado iyong mga mata ko, at saka pumunta sa pinaka-dulo ng libro para tignan iyong borrower’s card. May idea na ako kung sino ’tong nagjojoke na ’to. And true enough…

Marcus Isaiah Nicolas – College of Engineering

Damn. Kung saan-saan nagkakalat ng jokes ’tong tao na ’to! Akala ko ba member siya ng swimming team at president ng Student Council, pero ang dami pa rin niyang time magjoke?

Sinubukan ko ring i-check iyong Physics book, at mukhang nahiram din ’to ni Marcus kasi may mga naka-ipit din na sticky notes.

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” It replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Dahil sa jokes niya, instead na magstart na agad ako na magbasa, na-curious ako kaya binasa ko lahat nung naka-ipit na jokes. Sa sobrang tuwa ko sa jokes, I even posted the one I found funniest ’dun sa IG stories ko.

kittykat: OMG handwriting ni Marcus ’yan!!! Magkasama kayo???

matt: Nosebleed

supersimon: Nerd

psalmgdl: Where are you?

Hindi muna ako nagreply sa replies nila sa IG stories ko. Right after kong magpost, nagstart na talaga akong magbasa. Medyo familiar naman ako with some, but it’s been a while since I last read anything related to Science, so I was feeling kinda rusty. I also didn’t want to ask Papa for help kasi mas madodoble iyong pressure.

After almost two hours, I finally gave up. Feeling ko nahihilo na ako sa dami ng binasa ko. I checked the books out, but I was careful na tinanggal ko muna iyong borrower’s card dahil sobrang epal ng friends ko, alam ko mafifigure out nila if nakita nila iyong name ni Marcus.

Pagbalik ko sa classroom, wala roon sila Kitty. Turned out, walang class dahil cancelled. Kitty sent a text na kailangan siya sa council kaya wala siya. Si Anj naman, wala rin.

“Uwi ka na?” Matt asked. Naka-basketball uniform na siya, so I think magpa-practice na sila.

I nodded. “Kaka-text ko lang kay Manong.”

He nodded. “Sama ka muna sa gym,” he said.

I wrinkled my nose. “Dito na lang ako sa room.”

“Sige na,” pangungulit ni Matt. “Wala pa naman si Coach, tambay muna tayo sa gym.”

Dahil alam ko hindi nila ako titigilan, sumama na ako. Habang papunta kami ’dun, ramdam ko na pinagtitinginan kami. Syempre, sikat sila Matt since players sila sa school.

“Wala ka ba talagang balak maggirlfriend?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “Dadating din tayo d’yan,” he simply replied.

“Wala kang crush?”

“Meron.”

“Ayaw mong ligawan?”

“Bros over hoes,” simpleng sagot niya. Hindi ko na siya kinulit dahil kung ayaw niyang sabihin, sure ako na ’di ko siya mapipilit.

Pagdating namin sa basketball, naglalaro na sila Steele, Matt, Saint, at Austin. Magka-team iyong magkapatid laban kay Steele at Matt. Needless to say, unfair iyong laban.

“Maglaro ka na ’dun,” sabi ko kay Matt nung naupo siya sa tabi ko.

“So, sino nga si Marcus?”

I groaned. “Kaya mo ba ako pinapunta dito dahil ’dun?”

“Sige na, Joey? Mamamatay na ako sa curiosity. Sabihin mo na. Secret lang nating dalawa.”

Siraulo ’to. Pagkatapos nilang pasakitin iyong ulo ko, feeling ba niya sasabihin ko pa?

I just wrinkled my nose, then began to skim through my phone. Habang nagsscroll ako sa facebook, naka-silip si Matt. I glared at him, but it didn’t stop him from peeping.

“Wala si Marcus sa facebook ko,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Akala ko friends kayo, tapos ’di kayo friends sa facebook?” nagdududa na sabi niya.

“Inunfriend ko dahil sa inyo,” sabi ko na lang para matahimik siya. After that, sinungitan ko na lang siya nang sinungitan para tantanan niya na ako. Nagtext din si Manong na medyo traffic, so medyo male-late siya. Lumabas ako sandali para bumili ng tubig since nauuhaw ako. Bigla akong natigilan since naka-salubong ko si Psalm.

He was sweaty, and his arms were shining from the sweat. Hindi rin mukhang broccoli iyong buhok niya dahil sa pawis. Bahagya akong napa-ngiti dahil napansin ko na suot niya iyong headband na bigay ko sa kanya.

“Late ka sa practice niyo,” I said. Susungitan ko dapat siya dahil siya ang dahilan kung bakit ako kinukulit nila Matt, but I decided to let it go since suot niya iyong isa sa regalo ko.

His forehead was creased. “Why… are you here?”

I shrugged. “Masama? Ikaw may-ari ng gym?”

Unti-unting nawala iyong crease sa noo niya. “Sungit,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Nagjog ka ba?” tanong ko.

He nodded, tapos pinunasan niya iyong pawis na tumulo sa gilid ng ulo niya gamit iyong kamay niya. Wala man lang dalang towel ’tong isang ’to, e binigyan ko siya ng isang pack ng Bench towels. “Yeah.”

“Ikaw lang mag-isa?” He nodded. “Di ba usually by team kayo nagja-jog?” I asked dahil ganoon naman talaga usually. Kaya nga agaw pansin ’tong buong basketball team, at maraming nanonood talaga kapag nagja-jog sila sa hapon sabay-sabay.

“I was… running some errands,” he said, sounding unsure of himself.

My eyes slighted when I sensed what could’ve been the motive. “Are you seriously still going around the school para lang mahanap si Marcus?”

Psalm didn’t answer, but he also didn’t refute my question. Oh, my God, sobrang kulit niya! Naka-tayo lang kami sa harap nang isa’t-isa. I was gritting my teeth, while he was looking at me innocently na parang wala siyang ginagawang masama.

“Bakit ba ang kulit mo?” naaasar na sabi ko sa kanya.

“I’m just concerned.”

“Ilagay mo sa lugar ’yung concern mo minsan,” naiinis na sabi ko. “Sinabi ko naman sa ’yo, ’di ba? Friends lang kami ni Marcus. Bakit ’di mo maintindihan?”

Alam ko sobrang sama ko sa kanya ngayon, but he’s seriously pushing it, too. Bakit ba parang obsessed siya na makilala kung sino si Marcus? Wasn’t I allowed to have friends outside of our circle? Bakit siya? Marami din naman siyang friends, pero hindi niya naman ako nakikita na pinapakailaman sila.

His jaw clenched, and I saw him taking a deep breath. Psalm has always been in complete control of his feelings, so I know that whatever he’s gonna say, he means it.

“If you’re just friends, why can’t you just tell us his last name?” dahan-dahan pero seryoso niyang sabi.

Huminga rin ako nang malalim.

“Kailangan ba?”

Hindi siya naka-sagot.

“Look, Psalm, I understand that you’re being protective of me since I’m your friend, pero hindi na ako bata. Matanda na ako. Kung gusto kong makipagkaibigan sa iba, siguro naman okay lang. Hindi naman kita pinipigilan kapag nakikipag-usap ka sa ibang babae, ’di ba? So, why can’t you extend the same courtesy?”

I was trying my best to communicate my thoughts well, but it seemed that I wasn’t able to. Mas lalo lang umigting iyong panga niya, at lumalim iyong paghinga niya. I carefully chosen the words I was gonna use, but still, hindi niya yata nagustuhan iyong sinabi ko.

“Marcus… he’s my friend. But you… you’ll always be one of my closest friends. Hindi magbabago ’yun,” I said, trying to give him assurance kung iyon ang pinag-aalala niya.

“Right,” sabi niya bago bumalik sa labas, at nagjogging na naman.

Chapter 19

#ABNQ19 Chapter 19

I was awfully bothered because of what I said to Psalm. Although in my defense, sobra naman na kasi sila. Yes, I know na protective sila sa amin nila Kitty kasi parang kapatid na iyong turing nila sa ’min, but at some point, dapat pagkatiwalaan din naman nila kami. Besides, I see nothing wrong with my friendship with Marcus.

Sabihin ko na kaya sa kanila na never pa naman kami nagkita, at wala rin naman akong balak na makipagkita? Para hindi na nila ako kulitin? Para wala ng problema?

Ugh! Instead na nagcoconcentrate ako sa pag-aaral and pagrereview for NMAT, kung anu-ano pa tuloy ang pumasok sa isip ko.

“May problem ka?” Kitty asked pagpasok ko sa school the next day. I was really bothered dahil ang sama sa pakiramdam na sinabihan ko ng ganon si Psalm. Gusto ko sanang magsorry, but I was too chicken to do it. Every time hawak ko na iyong phone ko, I always ended up erasing everything I typed.

I shook my head. “Busy ka later?” I asked.

“Hindi naman. Why?”

“Movie tayo?”

“Okay,” she said. “Text ko lang sila Simon,” sabi niya.

Papunta kaming dalawa sa lib since gusto niya raw akong samahan mag-aral. Kakatapos lang ng class namin. Nandun na si Psalm, pero hindi ako pinapansin… not that I could blame him because I knew myself that I was a bitch yesterday. So, I concocted this idea of going to the movie. At least ’dun, group kami. At least ’dun, mapipilitan siya na kausapin ako.

After we arrived at the library, naupo na ako since na-borrow ko na naman iyong books na gagamitin ko. Kitty brought out her laptop since may gagawin daw siya na letter for SC.

“Chemistry?” nagtataka na sabi niya nung nilabas ko iyong book.

I nodded. “Yeah… Baka magNMAT ako,” I said.

“OMG! Magmemed ka?”

I nodded again. “Parang gusto ko, but not sure pa. ’Wag mong sasabihin kahit kanino, ha? Baka bumagsak ako, e,” sabi ko. Also, I just didn’t want anybody pressuring me. Hindi pa rin kasi ako sure kung gusto kong magtake ng Medicine. Base kasi sa nakikita ko kay Papa, masaya naman siya sa ginagawa niya, but he’s always so busy. Literal na minsan, may isang linggo na hindi ko siya nakita. But he says it’s very fulfilling, so I was still conflicted.

Kitty acted like she’s zipping her mouth right after. Tumahimik na kaming dalawa habang nag-aaral ako, at siya naman gumagawa ng proposal letter para sa SC.

After a while, I groaned and lightly hit my head against the book.

“Bakit?” Kitty asked, removing her earphones.

“Nalilito ako sa binabasa ko,” I said. I knew I was rusty since high school pa iyong last na aral ko ng Chemistry. Naiintindihan ko naman siya, pero may mga parts na nalilito talaga ako!

Kitty began to wiggle her eyebrows. Kumunot ang noo ko. “What?”

“May kilala kang Chemical Engineering student…” she said, her voice laced with so much malice.

I eyed her. “No way,” mabilis na sabi ko. Iyon na nga na hindi ko pa siya physically nakikita, na-stress na ako, paano pa kaya kapag may physical manifestation na siya sa buhay ko? E ’di mas lalo akong na-stress?

“Why not? Running for Magna kaya ’yun!”

“Bakit hindi Summa?”

“Secret,” Kitty said, with this sly look on her face. “Ask mo na lang siya why kung magkikita kayo.”

I wrinkled my nose as my response. Nagpatuloy na lang ako sa pagrereview hanggang magtime na. Naglakad na kami pabalik sa classroom. Pagdating dun, nakita ko si Psalm na kausap sila Matty. Tumatawa sila habang nag-uusap tapos nung nakita niya ako, biglang huminto iyong tawa niya tapos sumeryoso iyong mukha. Hindi ko alam ’yung gagawin ko, so parang tanga lang ako na naka-tingin sa kanya.

Bahala na nga. Kakausapin ko na lang siya later, and magsosorry ako sa mga nasabi ko kahapon. Ang hirap kaya ng ganito.

Nagsimula na iyong class, and doon na lang ako nagfocus. Nang matapos iyon, naghintay ako sa labas kasi napagkasunduan na namin na manonood kami ng movies. I purposely get left behind para makausap ko si Psalm.

“Huy…” I said, gently bumping my shoulder against his arm. Hindi man lang ako tinignan! Grabe, ang suplado! Inulit ko tuloy na binangga siya, pero hindi pa rin ako pinansin.

Nung pangatlong ulit tapos ’di pa rin ako pinapansin, tempted na talaga akong itulak siya kasi ang sungit, e. Magsosorry naman ako, ayaw pa akong pansinin! Ito rin mahirap kapag mabait, e. Kapag napuno mo na, ang hirap ding suyuin. Pahirapan talaga.

Hanggang makarating kami sa sasakyan, suplado pa rin ang peg ni Broccoli. Ang saya-saya nung pinag-uusapan nila Kitty sa likod, pero akala mo binagsakan ng langit at lupa si Psalm sa sobrang seryoso.

“So, kamusta na ’yung paghahanap niyo kay Marcus?” Kitty asked.

“Nasa top 15 finalists na kami,” sabi ni Matt. Napaawang iyong labi ko kasi may nalalaman pa siyang finalists na akala mo e contest iyong ginagawa nila.

Kitty laughed. “So, kailan malalaman iyong winner?”

Matt shrugged. “Ewan. Tigil muna kami sa paghahanap, e. Badtrip ’yung leader.”

Kitty looked at Psalm via the rearview mirror. Sobrang seryoso ni Psalm na magdrive na medyo scary. ’Di kasi ako sanay na seryoso siya! Mas sanay ako na nasa nice guy mood lang siya lagi. Sobrang nakaka-throw off kapag ganyan na ang serious ng face niya.

“Sayang naman, malapit niyo ng mahanap, e,” Kitty said.

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ni Matt at Simon. “Sino?!”

“Secret.”

“Grabe, Katherine!” sabi ni Matt sa buong pangalan ni Kitty. “I thought friends?!”

Kitty stuck her tongue out. “Sorry, I promised Joey na hindi ko sasabihin, e.”

Matt turned to Anj. “Alam mo rin?” Anj nodded. “Wow… Grabe, Joey, so kami na lang pala ang hindi nakakaalam. Grabe. Grabe talaga. Ganito na pala ngayon sa ’tin…” napaka-arte na sabi ni Matt.

Kinulit ako ni Matt, but I just simply shook my head. Truth be told, ayokong pag-usapan si Marcus kasi feel ko na mas mababadtrip si Psalm, e. E kaya nga kami manonood ng movie para makausap ko siya, and makapagsorry ako. Hindi naman para dagdagan ko pa iyong bwisit niya sa ’kin.

“Malapit na pala ’yung showing!” Kitty said habang tinitignan niya iyong sched nung movie na gusto niyang panoorin sa phone. Tuwing nanonood kasi kami, may isa na assigned na mamili kung ano ang papanoorin ng buong group. Kapag kasi nagbotohan pa kami, walang mangyayari. Ayaw ng guys ng romance. Ayaw namin ng action. So para mas maayos, may isang masusunod. We take turns naman.

“Pila na kayo,” I said.

“Magpapark pa si Psalm,” Kitty said.

I nodded. “Samahan ko na lang siya,” sabi ko kahit alam ko na uulanin ako ng tukso ng mga kaibigan ko. I just needed to talk to him kasi ’di talaga niya ako pinapansin.

“E wala na pala si Marcus, e,” Matt said, laughing. “Lakas talaga basta GDL!”

Inirapan ko siya. “Para sa isang lalaki, napaka-malisyoso mo,” sabi ko sa kanya. Tinawanan lang niya ako, pero ang bilis nilang bumaba. Pinilit niya talaga na bumaba silang lahat para kami lang maiwan ni Psalm sa sasakyan.

Nasa fifth floor pa iyong may vacant na parking kaya medyo natagalan kami kasi na-stuck kami sa pila. It was a good thing for me since at least marami akong time para kausapin si Psalm. Wala naman siyang kawala kasi alangan namang iwanan niya iyong sasakyan niya sa gitna ng pila?

“Uy, sorry na kasi,” simula ko nung maka-baba sa sasakyan sila Kitty.

Aba, snobbed pa rin ako!

“Binabawi ko na lahat ng sinabi ko kahapon,” pagpapatuloy ko.

Snobbed pa rin ako.

Huminga ako nang malalim tapos tinignan siya. Sobrang seryoso niya talaga. His lips were pursed, and his eyes were staring straight ahead. Mukhang gusto niya talagang malaman kung sino si Marcus…

“Fine, I’ll tell you kung sino si Marcus,” sabi ko tapos mabilis na napa-tingin siya sa ’kin. Tsk! Iyon lang pala ang makakapagpa-acknowledge sa kanya ng presence ko!

“Who?” mabilis na lumabas sa bibig niya.

I squinted my eyes at him. “Why does it bother you so much first?” balik tanong ko sa kanya.

“Because…” nagsimula niyang sabihin, pero bigla siyang natigilan. Parang alam niya na kung ano iyong sagot sa tanong ko, pero bigla niyang naisip na ’wag sabihin. “Last name, Joey,” he, instead, said.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him because I knew that I was at disadvantage. Ako itong pilit na nagsosorry kasi gusto ko na bati na kami ni Psalm. I shouldn’t be a little bitch towards him kahit na alam ko na always niya naman akong sinusubukan na i-tolerate. I guess napa-sobra talaga ako sa sinabi ko sa kanya kahapon to the point na ’di niya talaga ako pinansin buong araw.

“Nicolas.”

Psalm was staring ahead, but upon hearing Marcus’ last name, I saw him closing his eyes, and taking a deep breath. Na parang kinakalma niya iyong sarili niya. I guess… kilala niya rin si Marcus? It seemed like everyone knows him except me.

Akala ko magtatanong pa siya tungkol kay Marcus, pero wala na akong narinig mula sa kanya. Tahimik lang kami hanggang sa maka-hanap kami ng parking space.

Nang huminto iyong sasakyan, bumaba na ako, pero nagulat ako nung nagstay lang siya sa loob ng sasakyan.

“Naka-bili na raw sila ng ticket,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil naka-suot pa rin siya ng seatbelt. Kung seryoso iyong mukha niya, mas seryoso na ngayon iyong mukha niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano na naman ang nagawa ko. I already did what he ask of me. Bakit galit na naman siya?

His hands were still tightly gripping on the steering wheel. “I’m going home,” he said.

Napaawang iyong labi ko. “Pero—”

“Masama iyong pakiramdam ko,” sabi niya.

“May sakit ka ba?” mabilis na tanong ko. “Ako na lang magda-drive—”

“Just go. I’m all right,” he cut me off.

Hindi ko alam pero nasaktan ako sa sinabi niya. Para kasing pinapalayo niya ako. Ginawa ko naman na ’yung gusto niya, pero mas lalo lang yata siyang nagalit sa ’kin. Hindi ko na alam iyong gagawin ko kasi sinunod ko naman ’yung gusto niya.

Ano pa ba’ng kulang?

“Ano ba’ng problema?” tanong ko sa kanya. Isang hapon pa lang na ganto kami, hindi na ako mapalagay. Paano kapag bukas hindi pa rin niya ako pinansin?

“Nothing,” he simply said.

“I already told you his last name. Akala ko magiging okay na.”

I saw him clenching his jaw. “Okay na nga,” sagot niya.

“Wag mo naman akong gawing tanga. Halata naman na ’di okay,” sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya. Wala akong pakielam kung hindi ko na mapanood iyong movie. Ang gusto ko, maging maayos na kami ngayon. O kahit sabihin niya lang sa ’kin kung bakit ginaganito niya ko. Hindi ’yung para akong tanga na nag-iisip kung ano na naman ang kasalanan ko.

“You did nothing wrong,” he said. He was holding onto the steering wheel so tightly that I could see the veins in his arms protrude. He closed his eyes again, and took a deep breath. “Just go. I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

Hindi ako umalis.

Nanatili akong nakatayo.

“Psalm—”

“I’ll be fine,” he said, but it felt like a lie.

Chapter 20

Hi. If you have tweets about ABNQ, please use the hashtag. I stalk when I have time :D Or tweet me @beeyotchwp thanks x

#ABNQ20 Chapter 20

I didn’t know what was wrong with Psalm. I wished I knew, but I really didn’t. Kaya nung tinanong ako nila Kitty kung bakit umuwi na si Psalm, wala akong nasagot. They didn’t push it, though. Parang tinanggap na lang nila na biglang nawala sa mood si Psalm kaya umuwi na lang. I found it curious na wala na silang follow-up question because the thing about my friends, wala silang boundaries. We always want to be included in each one’s life, so dapat alam namin lahat.

“Bayaan mo na ’yun, may problema lang,” Matt said in a consoling tone. Tinignan ko siya. “Di galit sa ’yo ’yun.”

“Not sure about that,” I said, sighing.

Nasa labas kami. Nung una, ako lang ’yung lumabas sa kalagitnaan ng movie kasi ’di ko na talaga ma-feel dahil hindi ko naman naumpisahan. Nung umalis kasi si Psalm, hindi rin ako nakaalis agad sa parking lot dahil nabigla ako sa nangyari.

It’s like… boom.

Parang sumuko siya.

“Nag-iisip lang ’yun. Kausapin mo na lang ulit bukas.”

“Pano kapag ’di ako pinansin?”

I was sitting on the floor, almost hugging my knees. Matt squatted beside me, then patted the top of my head. “Sumbong mo sa ’kin, awayin natin,” he said, and that made me laugh a little.

Things didn’t suck that bad. I still had my other friends…

---

Pag-uwi ko, I let out a deep sigh. I ended up not watching the movie, and nadamay pa si Matt sa akin. So, sa labas na lang kami tapos kumain ng popcorn hanggang maka-labas sila Kitty. Tapos, nag-Uber na lang kami since iniwan kami ni Psalm e siya iyong may dala ng sasakyan.

“Problema mo?” Jax asked.

“Psalm’s being weird,” I said.

“Maybe you pissed him off.”

I glared at him. “Ako agad may kasalanan?”

He nodded. “Most probably, yes,” sabi niya. “Ano’ng ginawa mo?”

Tinignan ko si Jax. Lalaki naman siya. Baka pwede niya akong bigyan ng point of view ng lalaki. Sinubukan ko namang tanungin si Matt, pero puro vague answers lang nakukuha ko. At saka isa pa, loyal sila kay Psalm. Asa naman ako na sasabihin nila kung anuman ’yung problema nung broccoli na ’yun.

“Kasalanan mo ’tong lahat, e,” I replied, glaring at him even more. “Pinauso mo pa kasi ’yang Tinder!”

Biglang namula na naman iyong mukha ni Jax nung banggitin ko iyong Tinder. He squinted his eyes at me, before attempting to stand up and leave. See? Ayaw niyang pag-usapan iyong Tinder. Pero siya talaga may kasalanan nito, e!

“Hoy!” sigaw ko nung iwan niya ako sa sala mag-isa. Tignan mo ’yun! Tatanungin ako kung ano’ng problema, tapos iiwan ako bigla! Mga lalaki nga naman, ang gugulo minsan!

Kinabukasan, kinakabahan ako sa pagpasok kasi wala talaga akong clue kung kakausapin ba ako ni Psalm, o pagpapatuloy niya iyong pag-ignore sa existence ko. Kung dati ’to bago kami naging close, hindi ko naman didibdibin nang ganito.

Hirap kasi, alam mo ’yun? ’Yung close na kayo, tapos biglang may problema. Tapos kapag tinanong mo, ayaw namang sabihin. ’Di naman ako manghuhula!

“Si Psalm?” tanong ko agad kay Matt nung makita ko siya sa room.

“Gym.”

“May class.”

He nodded. “Text ko na lang daw siya kapag dumating na si Sir,” he simply said.

I sighed. “Sabi mo kausapin ko, e paano? Ayaw yatang magpakita sa ’kin…” sabi ko kay Matt. Gusto ko na talagang malaman kung ano para naman may magawa ako! I was always wondering kung ano bang dahilan at nagkakaganito siya!

“E mabigat daw kalaban,” sabi ni Matt.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ano?” naguguluhan na tanong ko. Sa basketball ba? May next na laban sila?

Matt laughed. “Bayaan mo ’yun. Nagpapakamatay sa basketball,” he just said, which did not make any sense, and didn’t answer my question at all. I wanted to press further, pero dumating na iyong prof namin. And true to what he said, after texting, five minutes later e dumating na si Psalm.

And being a GDL, ’di siya pinagalitan kahit late siya.

---

Nang matapos iyong klase namin, tahimik lang ako. Ayokong magsalita kasi baka may masabi ako or magawa tapos may ma-offend. Ayoko ng gulo. Ga-graduate na lang kami tapos may ganito pa?

“Joey?” tanong ni Kitty nung nagsisimula na silang maglakad papunta sa cafeteria tapos hindi ako sumabay sa lakad. “Tara na.”

I awkwardly smiled. “Lib muna ko.”

“Di ka kakain?”

“Busog pa ako,” I lied. I just didn’t feel comfortable to join them kasi kasama nila si Psalm. Something inside me felt awful kasi alam ko na may nagawa ako kaya ganyan siya, pero dahil hindi ko alam kung ano, wala akong magawa kung hindi ang tanggapin ’yung ganyang trato niya sa ’kin.

It sucked.

Really, really sucked.

I caught Psalm looking at me right after I said that. Akala ko e hindi niya na naman ako papansinin dahil sa nangyari kagabi, but instead, he said, “Tara na.”

Bahagyang umawang iyong labi ko.

Pinikit-pikit ko pa ’yung mga mata ko para maka-sigurado na tama iyong nakikita ko.

Akala ko may sasabihin pa siya, pero pagkatapos nun, tumalikod na siya at sinabayan si Steele na maglakad. Ako? Naiwan na naka-tingin sa papalayong likod niya.

Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit siya ganito.

Kitty anchored her arms with mine. “Tara na,” she said, then gently tugged me. Tahimik ako na nagpatangay hanggang sa makarating kami sa cafeteria. Pagdating namin ’dun, naupo na ako. Mula sa pwesto ko, kita ko si Psalm na nakikipag-usap kila Matt. Minsan tumatawa siya, minsan naman siya iyong nagku-kwento.

Tama nga iyong sabi niya na he’d be fine tomorrow.

Pero bakit parang hindi naman?

“Bakit naka-titig ka kay Psalm?” Kitty asked.

I sighed. “Ang weird kasi…” sabi ko, tapos kinwento ko iyong nangyari kagabi. Anj was listening, too, pero hindi siya nagsasalita. “Tapos ngayon… ayun. Kinakausap naman niya ako, but he’s still being weird, you know?”

Kitty wrinkled her nose, and waived her hand in the air. “It’s his problem; let him fix it.”

“Di mo talaga alam kung bakit siya ganyan?” nagtataka na tanong ni Anj habang diretsong naka-tingin sa akin. Umiling ako. Kung alam ko, e ’di sana hindi ako namo-mroblema nang ganito.

Pagkatapos naming kumain, nagpilit na talaga ako na pupunta ako sa library. Hindi ko na kasi talaga kaya na kinakausap niya ako, pero halata naman na may mali. E ilang beses ko na siya tinanong tapos lagi niya lang sinasabi na he’d be fine. Ano’ng magagawa ko?

“Sure ka? Walang practice daw sila Psalm, so tambay kami sa coffee shop. Ayaw mong dun na lang mag-aral?” Kitty asked.

I shook my head. “No, sa lib na lang ako,” sabi ko tapos tumalikod ako. Nagsisimula na akong maglakad papunta sa library nung may marinig akong tumatawag ng pangalan ko. Agad akong napahinto.

“Joey,” he said.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Kung haharap ba ako o tatalikod? Kung makikinig ba ako o lalayo?

“Uy…” I said with an awkward smile. Sabi niya ayos. Ganito ba iyong ayos na gusto niya? Iyong parang tanga na ’di mo maintindihan?

“Coffee shop,” he simply said.

Umiling ako. “Mag-aaral ako sa lib.”

“We just had exams last week,” he pointed out. “We don’t have requirements yet.”

“Advanced reading,” I just replied.

“Can’t you do it there?” sabi niya.

Umiling ako. “Di mo naman ako pinapansin.”

Nakita ko na bahagyang nag-iba iyong reaksyon sa mukha niya. Na parang natanggal iyong maskara na nilagay niya na okay siya. Pero sandali lang. Kasi balik na naman iyong ngiti niya. Na nakakaasar.

“We’re talking, right?” he said.

“This isn’t talking,” I replied. “You’re being weird around me, and I don’t like it.”

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob para sabihin sa kanya ’to, pero naisip ko na hindi naman na kami bata. Matanda naman na kami. Ayoko siyang pilitin na sabihin iyong problema niya, pero ’di niya naman ako masisisi kung ganito ako sa kanya.

He laughed.

Sobrang peke.

“What are you talking about?” he said with that fucking fake laugh. “We’re good.”

I clenched my jaw because it felt like he was playing me. “Last night, ginawa ko ’yung sinabi mo. Sinabi ko sa ’yo kung sino si Marcus. Tapos biglang umalis ka na lang. Tapos sabi mo magiging okay ka. Tapos ngayon—”

“What?” he cut me off.

“You’re different!” hindi ko napigilang isigaw.

Kinunut niya iyong noo ko. Nanggigil ako bigla kasi ang asshole niyang kausap ngayon! “I’m not different, Joey,” he said.

“Iyan!” sabi ko habang turo sa kanya. “Obvious naman na may problema ka sa ’kin, tapos ayaw mong sabihin! Nakaka-stress ka!”

Akala ko ay sasabayan niya iyong inis ko sa kanya, pero nanatili lang siyang naka-tayo sa harap ko. Naka-tingin lang siya sa ’kin pero hindi kagaya nung tingin niya dati.

Parang may dingding sa pagitan namin.

Parang hindi ko na siya maabot.

“I don’t have a problem with you,” he simply said. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he continued, then he looked down. “It’s not your fault.”

Hindi ko naintindihan kung ano iyong gusto niyang ipahiwatig. Basta ang alam ko, nanatili lang akong naka-tingin sa kanya. Naghihintay na baka may sasabihin pa siya. Na baka sakaling maintindihan ko kung bakit siya nagkakaganito.

“We can still be friends. Like you wanted,” sabi niya. Naka-tingin siya sa akin, ngumiti, pero parang hindi. Tapos, nagbaba na naman siya ng tingin. But after a few seconds, he looked at me again, with that annoying fake smile. “Tara?”

Nag-igting na talaga iyong panga ko sa ginagawa ni Psalm, pero kung ganito ang gusto niya, fine. Magplastikan kaming dalawa. Nakaka-asar siya!

---

Sumunod ako sa kanya papunta sa coffee shop. Pagdating namin doon, pinagtinginan kami nila Kitty. They all looked at us like they were expecting something to happen.

“Okay lang kayo?” they asked.

I nodded, and plastered a fake smile on my face. “Okay na okay,” sabi ko sabay baling kay Psalm. “Di ba?”

He slowly nodded while his hands were inside his pocket. “Right.”

Umupo ako sa tabi ni Kitty habang nasa tabi naman ni Steele si Psalm. Mabilis kong nilabas iyong libro ko, at saka nag-aral. I freaking hate this subject, but I’d rather bury my head in this boring book kaysa makita iyong pesteng ngiti sa mukha ni Psalm.

I’d really rather magalit siya sa ’kin ng harapan, kaysa ’tong nginingitian niya ako pero ramdam ko naman na may something!

Habang nasa coffee shop kami, biglang natigil ako sa pagbabasa nung may lumapit na babae sa table namin. Naka-suot siya ng ID lace ng ibang school.

“Psalm,” she said with a grin on her face.

“Hey!” Psalm replied. Tumayo siya sa upuan niya, tapos nilapitan niya iyong babae, tapos hinalikan sa pisngi. “Why are you here?” he asked. He was looking at her, that it felt like naka-limutan niya na may kasama siya.

“Errands,” the girl with an impossibly white skin said.

Matt cleared his throat in an annoying way. “Dude,” he said, while smiling at the white lady.

“Uhh… Kia,” he began. “Steele, Matt, Simon, Anj, Kitty, and Joey, my friends,” sabi niya sabay turo sa akin. His stare lingered for a split second, pero mabilis niyang tinanggal iyong tingin niya, at binalik iyong atensyon sa white lady. “Guys, this is Kia.”

White lady smiled.

“Hi!” masayang sabi ni Simon at Matt. Tss.

“Hi,” sabi ni White Lady. “Sorry if I interrupted you, guys. I’ll be going,” sabi niya tapos nagwave siya sa ’min bago umalis.

Akala ko sasama na si Psalm sa kanya, pero nagpa-iwan siya sa table namin. Sunud-sunod naman iyong tanong sa kanya nila Matt.

“Dude!” sabi ni Matt. “May kakilala ka pala na ganon, bakit ’di mo sinabi?!”

Kunot-noo si Psalm. “Who? Kia?” nagtataka na tanong niya.

“Oo! Ang ganda, men! Bakit tinatago mo?” parang gago na sabi ni Matt.

“I’m not hiding her,” sabi niya sabay hinagisan si Matt ng tissue. “I don’t see her that often. She’s a family friend,” sabi niya tapos tinignan na naman ako nung sinabi iyong friend!

May itatanong pa sana si Matt nung magvibrate iyong phone ni Psalm. Bigla siyang tumayo. “Una na ko,” he said.

“San ka?” Matt asked.

“Kia texted. She’s asking for directions.”

Nagtatanong lang pala ng directions, bakit kailangan niyang tumayo? Pwede namang itext? At saka ’di naman nakakalito sa school kasi marami namang naglakad na guards na pwedeng pagtanungan.

Tumayo din sila Matt at Simon. “Sama kami!” sabi nila.

“Sama na rin ako…” parang napipilitan na sabi ni Steele.

“Wag ka na, may Andrea ka na. Masaya ka na. Pagbigyan mo na kami!” sabi ni Matt sabay hatak kay Psalm palabas. Naiwan kaming mga babae at si Steele na naguguluhan sa mga nangyari.

What the fuck did just happen?

“May nag give up na yata…” Kitty said, shrugging, then Anj laughed a little.

Chapter 21

#ABNQ21 Chapter 21

It was weird. In the truest sense of the word. Mabuti na lang at nandito si Kitty kasi kung hindi, hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko dahil kasama ko si Anj at Steele. Walang madaldal na si Matt na nakakapagpagaan ng sitwasyon. Kaming tatlo lang.

Steele was gently bobbing his head while drumming his fingers on the table. Panay tingin din siya sa relo niya.

“May pupuntahan ka?” Kitty asked. Pang-apat na tingin niya na kasi sa relos niya kaya napansin ko na rin nga.

He nodded a little. Wala siyang sinabi pero alam ko na si Andrea iyong pupuntahan niya. Iyong pag-ibig niya na kahit sa kabilang sulok pa ng Metro Manila nag-aaral, nagagawa niyang puntahan. Walang pakielam sa traffic.

“2 hours pa naman before next class natin. Punta ka na,” Kitty said. Steele looked conflicted. 2 hours lang. 1 hour and 30 minutes ang byahe papunta sa school ni Andrea, ’di pa kasama kung malala ang traffic. Akala ko sasabihin niya na ’di siya pupunta, pero nagulat ako nung tumayo siya.

“See you later,” sabi niya tapos nginitian si Kitty at Anj. Sa akin, he just gently nodded at me.

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

Ganon siguro talaga kapag nakita mo na ’yung mahal mo, no? Kahit ano’ng traffic, susuungin mo. Kahit gaano katagal iyong drive, kahit ilang minuto mo lang makita, ayos lang sa ’yo.

In a way, I finally felt at ease with how Steele and me ended.

At lease, totoong mahal niya iyong si Andrea. ’Di naman pala nasayang lahat ng iniyak ko. Nagkataon lang talaga siguro na ’di ako iyong babae na handa niyang gawin iyon. Pero naniniwala ako na dadating ’din ’yun. ’Di naman ako nagmamadali. Sabi nga nila, great things take time.

“Okay ka lang?” Kitty asked. Anj was looking at me, too. She looked really worried. Nginitian ko siya.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” sagot ko. “Glad to see he’s finally changed.”

“He hurt you,” tahimik na sabi ni Anj.

I smiled at her. Ang sarap talaga na mayroon kang kaibigan na concerned sa ’yo. Masaya ako na kahit papaano, nakakapag-usap na kami ni Anj nang ganito. True, it’s still a far cry from how we used to talk, but I’d seriously take this over not talking at all.

“Ganon talaga. ’Di naman lahat ng tao swerte na sa first try nila, iyon na agad iyong end game. Malas ko lang na ’di ako iyong end game ni Steele. Pero naniniwala ako na dadating din iyong end game ko,” I replied.

“Aww. Group hug!” Kitty said. She immediately hugged me. Si Anj, mukhang nag-aalangan. And thankfully, Kitty said, “Come on, Anj, hug na tayo! Girl power!”

I bit my lower lip. I really liked this moment.

---

Psalm, Matt, and Simon didn’t come back after nila puntahan si Kia. Natapos iyong buong break namin na nasa coffee shop lang kami nila Kitty and Anj. After nun, bumalik na kami sa classroom.

“Di na kayo bumalik kahapon,” Kitty said.

“Nilibre kami ni Kia, e,” Matt said. Kinikilig pa siya habang sinasabi. Sanay naman siya makakita ng maganda kasi magaganda naman kami nila Kitty kaya ano’ng problema nito?

Naupo na lang ako at saka nagphone. Natigil lang ako nung dumating iyong prof namin.

“As part of your final requirement for graduation, your section needs to organize an event. As you know, certain protocols needed to be followed when it comes to dealing with diplomats,” Sir said, “I’ll email you the guidelines.”

Umalis na siya after nun kasi iyon na ’yung final requirement namin sa class niya. Ito na rin iyong katumbas ng final exam namin, so dapat talaga naming ayusin.

Nagsimula na silang mag-usap. Tahimik lang akong nakikinig. Wala kasi ako sa mood na maki-plano, but gagawin ko naman kung ano ang ibibigay nila sa ’kin. We all knew the weight of this requirement kaya sure ako na magcocomply naman lahat.

Napa-tigil kami sa pag-uusap nung biglang natawa si Matt habang naka-tingin sa phone niya.

“Tara,” sabi niya sa ’min nila Kitty, but Kitty being Kitty, sobrang involved na agad siya sa planning. ’Di niya pinansin si Matt. “Tss, bahala kayo.”

Curious and bored to help, sumunod ako kay Matt. Naglalakad siya hanggang sa makarating kami sa parking lot. Agad ko na nakita iyong sasakyan ni Psalm. Paano’ng hindi e siya lang naman may matte black na Range Rover dito sa school. And it’s bulletproof. Paranoid parents indeed.

Nagtataka ako dahil naka-bukas iyong bintana ng sasakyan niya.

“Bakit tayo nandito?” I asked Matt habang papalapit kami.

“Basta, promise nakakatawa,” sabi niya.

Habang papalapit kami, may naririnig ako na weird na tunog. Naka-kunot ang noo ko, pero halos umawang iyong labi ko nung may makita akong maliit na cage sa loob ng sasakyan ni Psalm.

Mabilis kong itinuro iyong cage. “Are those… chicks?” They’re even making those chick-sounds!

Psalm’s looking at the chicks. Mukhang stressed siya dahil naka-kunot ang noo niya. “They’re ducklings,” he replied.

“Dude,” tawang-tawa na sabi ni Matt. “Nahawa ka na ba sa trip ni Saint? Bakit dala mo ’yan? Akala ko si Austin ’yung yaya ng mga ’yan?”

Psalm groaned. “I’ll fucking kill him,” sabi niya habang inaayos iyong kulungan nung mga maliliit na bibe. Ang important siguro nung bibe para maka-sakay sa sasakyan ni Psalm. Maingat sa sasakyan ’yun, e. Ni wala ngang kalat kahit isa.

Never pa akong naka-rinig ng iyak ng bibe, but feeling ko iyak iyong naririnig ko. They’re even making heaving sounds!

“Joey,” sabi ni Psalm. Biglang naalerto iyong sistema ko nung tinawag niya ako.

“What?”

“Your dad’s a doctor, right?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “My dad’s a neuro, Psalm. ’Di siya vet,” sabi ko. Ginawa pang doctor ng bibe ’yung tatay ko. “Bakit dinala mo ’yan dito? Bawal pet dito sa school,” sabi ko kahit naguguluhan talaga ako. Kung pet man lang, bakit ’di pa aso? Iba talaga trip ng mga GDL na magkakapatid. Bibe pa pala ang gustong alagaan.

“Long story,” sabi niya. The ducks made heaving noises again. “Ah, fuck,” Psalm said under his breath. “I’ll fucking kill Austin.”

Habang inis na inis si Psalm sa mga bibe, si Matt naman e halos maiyak na sa katatawa. Minsan, ang babaw lang talaga ng kaligayahan ng isang ’to. Natatawa pa rin siya nung magvibrate iyong phone niya. “Balik daw tayo sa room sabi ni Kitty. Naka-boss mode na naman iyong isang ’yun,” Matt said, clicking his tongue. “Ayos ka lang, Psalm? Dadalhin mo sa room ’yang anak ni Saint?”

“Hell, no!” Psalm said na akala mo napaka-samang bagay na dalhin niya sa room iyong mga bibe niya. “But I need to bring these little shits to the vet. Saint will kill me if these little shits die.”

Matt shrugged. “Good luck, Uncle Psalm,” he mocked. “Alis na ko, bye!” sabi niya.

“Hoy!” sigaw ko kasi nagtatakbo siya palayo agad. Tignan mo ’yun! Sinama lang ako dito tapos iniwan pa ako! Aangal pa sana ako nung makita ko na ’di na naman mapakali si Psalm. Sobrang weird talaga nung mga sounds na ginagawa nung mga bibe kaya parang nase-stress na rin si Psalm sa kanila.

I stood there for a minute, unable to think of what to say. Mukhang ’di naman ako napansin ni Psalm kasi busy siya sa kung anuman ang ginagawa niya sa mga bibe.

“Psalm,” I called his name. Napa-tingin siya sa ’kin. “May friend si Papa na vet. Malapit lang dito,” I continued.

His face lightened up. Mukhang worried talaga siya sa ducks. “Where?” he asked.

“Di ko sure ’yung address, pero alam ko ’yung daan,” I said. Dati kasi nung mga bata pa kami, may alaga na corgi si Jax. Nung tumanda na, lagi na naming dinadala sa vet kaya nakabisado ko na rin iyong way papunta doon.

“Is it okay?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, sure,” sabi ko. “We’re friends, right?” pagpapatuloy ko at saka ginaya ko iyong ginagawa niya na sobrang naka-titig ako sa mga mata niya kapag sinasabi niya iyong salitang friends.

Doon ako sumakay sa backseat dahil nasa front seat iyong mga bibe. At talagang naka-seatbelt pa sila! Ano kayang trip nga talaga sa buhay ni Saint at bibe ang mga alaga niya? At bakit si Psalm ang nag-aalaga kung kay Saint pala ’to?

Pagdating namin doon, thankfully walang patient dahil kalagitnaan nga naman ng araw tapos weekday pa. Mabilis na na-check-up nung vet iyong mga ducks.

“Sorry for the inconvenience,” sabi ni Psalm habang naghihintay kami sa labas habang nasa loob iyong ducks.

“Ayos lang,” sabi ko.

“They actually have a vet, but he’s somewhere else at the moment,” he explained.

“Ayos lang naman,” sabi ko ulit kasi kung makapag-explain siya e parang napaka-laking abala nung ginawa niya. Wala rin kasi ako sa mood na maki-tulong sa planning na ginagawa sa classroom. Pretty sure sesermunan ako ni Kitty dahil tumakas ako. G na g kasi ’yun kapag ganitong event-planning.

’Di na kami nakapag-usap dahil tinawag na kami nung assistant nung vet para pumasok sa examination room. Naka-patong sa parang mahabang table iyong mga bibe.

“Mr. Gomez—”

“Just Psalm, Sir,” magalang na sabi ni Psalm. Kahit si Papa nung una niyang makilala, sir din agad tawag niya, e.

“Psalm,” ulit ni Doc, “These are not ducklings,” sabi niya. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ni Psalm na parang isang malaking sikreto ang nabunyag. “They’re chicks.”

“W-what?” parang gago na reaksyon ni Psalm. Parang tanga talaga! Bakit ba parang sobrang big deal ng mga bibe or chicks na ’to?

“Kapag lumaki sila, hindi sila magiging bibe,” paliwanag ni Doc. Medyo natawa ako kasi sa way na pagpapaliwanag niya, parang ginawa niyang bata si Psalm na ’di ma-gets iyong pinagkaiba ng ducks sa bibe.

After nun, nagproceed na sa pagpapaliwanag si Doc sa nangyari sa bibe. May binigay din siyang medications. Aba, medyo mahal din pala! Akalain mo na may budget ’tong broccoli na ’to para sa mga pamangkin niyang chicks?

Nung nasa sasakyan na kami, kinausap niya iyong chicks.

“Tanga talaga ng tatay niyo,” bigla niyang sabi sa mga chicks. Bigla akong natawa, pero mabilis na pinigilan ko iyong sarili ko. Parang gago kasi na kinakausap iyong mga maliliit na manok! “Sariling anak ’di alam kung ano…” sabi niya bago binuksan iyong sasakyan.

Tahimik lang akong nasa likod.

“Joey,” biglang sabi ni Psalm.

“Hmm?” I replied.

“I’ll drive home first. I’ll drop the ducks off—”

“Chicks,” I corrected him.

“They’ll remain as ducks. Saint will get devastated if he knows,” sabi niya. Napaawang na lang talaga iyong labi ko sa ka-weirduhan ng magkakapatid na ’to.

“Paano kapag lumaki ’yan? Paano kapag hindi quack-quack iyong lumabas sa bibig nila?” tanong ko. Parang tanga na rin ako tuloy! Ano ba ’tong mga tanong ko!

Psalm looked serious for a minute. “Then… I’ll act surprised,” sabi niya. Napa-iling na lang ako. Utak broccoli talaga ’to.

Pagdating namin sa bahay nila, pinababa ako ni Psalm kasi dadalhin pa raw niya sa likod iyong mga bibe. Psalm made me promise na walang makakaalam sa tunay na katauhan ng mga bibe.

“Kia?” Psalm asked. Napa-tigil kami nung nakita namin si White Lady na nasa loob ng bahay nila.

“Hey,” she said. She smiled at me. “Papa asked me to personally pick up some documents from Uncle Bert,” sabi niya. Kulang na lang talaga lumutang siya, White Lady na talaga.

Psalm just nodded. Biglang tumayo si White Lady mula sa upuan, tapos lumapit sa ’min. She leaned down, tapos tinignan niya iyong mga fake na bibe. “They’re cute!” White Lady said. Tapos biglang gumawa ng cute na sounds iyong mga fake na bibe. Mga ’to! Kanina lang parang mamamatay iyong sounds nila, tapos ngayon pabibo sila?

“I’ll just bring them at the back,” Psalm said tapos naglakad na siya papunta sa likod. Sumama ako sa kanya kasi weird naman na maiwan ako kasama si White Lady.

“Aba, may sarili talagang kwarto…” sabi ko dahil may mga laruan pa ng bibe dito. Siraulo yata talaga si Saint.

“Well, yeah. Saint’s a stupid fuck,” sabi ni Psalm. Bigla siyang umalis dahil may naiwan yata siyang gamot ng fake na bibe sa sasakyan. Naiwan tuloy ako kasama iyong mga fake na bibe. I stared at them.

“Pagkatapos kong iligtas iyong buhay niyo, napaka-ungrateful niyo,” sabi ko habang tinuturo sila isa-isa. “Sa iba, nagagawa niyong magpa-cute, tapos sa akin na dahilan para humaba ’yang buhay niyong tatlo, parang laging mamamatay iyong sounds niyo?”

At bigla na naman silang gumawa nung heaving sounds! Aba’t!

“Sasabihin ko kay Saint ’yang lihim niyo,” I warned them, but they just continued! Mga walang kwentang kausap. Mabilis ko silang tinalikuran tapos lumabas na ako dahil baka kung ano ang masabi ko sa mga fake na bibe na ’to.

Pagbalik ko sa bahay nila, naabutan ko na nag-uusap si White Lady at Psalm. Hawak ni Psalm iyong gamot sa kamay niya, so bumalik nga talaga siya sa sasakyan.

“Girlfriend?” White Lady asked. She even used her lips to point at the back. Tinuturo siguro kung saan ako naiwan.

Psalm shook his head. “Friends,” simpleng sabi niya. “Just friends.”

Chapter 22

#ABNQ22 Chapter 22

“What’s this?” I asked when suddenly, a paper bag was placed in front of me. Pagtingin ko sa likod kung sino iyong nagbigay, nakita ko si Psalm. He was looking at me, wearing that smile na parang unsure pa siya kung ano ang sasabihin or gagawin niya.

I arched my brow. “Bakit?” tanong ko.

“Thank you gift,” simpleng sabi niya.

“For?”

“Helping me yesterday.”

“With the fake du—”

Bigla niyang tinakpan iyong bibig ko bago ko pa naman matapos sabihin iyong fake ducks. Seriously! Sobrang big deal ba talaga ng totoong katauhan nung mga ungrateful na ducks na ’yun?!

Agad ko siyang kinunutan ng noo kaya tinanggal niya iyong kamay niya sa ibabaw ng bibig ko.

“Sorry,” he said. “People might tell Saint.”

“Are you serious?” sabi ko kasi parang sobrang weird niya na lang talaga.

He nodded. Akala ko magsasalita na siya, pero naupo siya sa tabi ko. Ewan ko. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng something weird nung tabihan niya ako… Maybe because I thought this wouldn’t happen ever again. Kasi mabait si Psalm. Kasi sabi nila, ’wag mong galitin ang mabait na tao kasi hindi mo alam kung ano ang mangyayari.

And for some reasons, he got angry with me.

“When we were younger, Saint had a pet goldfish,” he began. Agad na napa-kunot ang noo ko. Saint seriously has the knack to find strange pets! “One summer, they all went to Madrid for Abuela’s birthday. I was left here since I had to do something. Saint tasked me to care for his pet, but I forgot… so long story short, I killed a goldfish,” pag-amin niya na parang sobrang seryosong krimen iyong nagawa niya.

I profusely pursed my lips because I thought it would be utterly offensive kapag tinawanan ko iyong problema niya.

“I still feel guilty after 10 years,” pagpapatuloy niya. “So, do you promise not to tell a soul?”

Tinignan ko siya. He seemed rather serious about this matter, so I nodded and did this zipping action. “Okay,” sabi ko. “I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

He smiled. Iyong totoong smile. Hindi iyong smile niya na nagiging dahilan para ma-trigger ako dahil feeling ko pina-plastic niya lang ako. “Thanks, Joey.”

I smiled back. “No problem,” sabi ko. “Does this mean that we’re friends again?” seryosong tanong ko sa kanya. We’re really nearing the end of our college lives, and it would be really sucky if we’re gonna tiptoe around each other. I mean, paano namin ma-e-enjoy iyong remaining months kung mukhang tanga kaming nagpa-plastican?

“Yeah, of course,” sabi niya.

“For real?” paninigurado ko.

Psalm bit his lower lip, and slowly nodded. “Sure, friends,” he answered.

I arched my brow. “So, as a friend, pwede mo ba akong samahan sa weekend?” I asked.

He nodded. “Sure,” sagot niya kahit hindi ko pa sinasabi kung saan.

“Mall. Hahanap lang ako ng isusuot para sa ball,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Won’t Kitty and Anj get mad?” tanong niya. Shit, oo nga pala. Palagi nga palang sila iyong kasama ko kapag naghahanap kami ng susuotin. Palagi kasing may mga ball or event na requirement sa degree namin… But I needed this para malaman ko if okay na ba talaga kami ni Psalm.

“I’ll tell them,” sabi ko.

Psalm shrugged. “Alright. Do I pick you up?”

I nodded. “9am, okay?” I asked.

He nodded, and answered, “Roger that.”

Akala ko aalis na siya sa tabi ko, pero nagstay lang siya doon. Ako naman, nagsimulang magreview. Syempre, student pa rin naman ako. Isa pa, I knew I was at a disadvantage since hindi naman Science-related iyong degree ko ngayon, so marami talaga akong hahabulin.

While I was in the middle of reading, Psalm suddenly peaked at my book.

“Chem?” he asked, his forehead creased.

I nodded. “Yeah,” sabi ko. “Planning to take NMAT,” pagpapatuloy ko. I knew there was no use hiding this from my friends since malalaman naman din nila. Besides, they’re my support group. Alam ko na if ever ’di man magwork out itong plano ko, they’d still have my back.

“Wow,” unang sambit niya. “Following your dad’s footsteps?”

I shrugged. “Di rin. Papa’s really smart,” sabi ko. Biruin mo kahit ’di sila mayaman dati, nagawa ni Papa na maka-graduate sa Med? And Neuro pa! Lahat na daw ng scholarship pinatulan ni Papa, sabi ni Mama. Kulang na lang daw magpaka-janitor ’yun sa school dati para lang makabayad ng tuition.

“You’re smart, too,” Psalm said.

“Ewan,” sagot ko na lang. ’Di naman ako stupid, pero ’di ko rin sure if kakayanin ko sa Med. Alam ko kasi na ’di lang naman talino iyong kailangan sa ganoon. More than anything, it needs your undivided attention. Parang kay Jax. Since he started law school, nagkaka-sakit lagi. Halos ’di na kasi natutulog ’yun sa dami ng binabasa and sinusulat.

“If you really want it, you must really work for it,” he said.

Napa-ngiti ako. Na-miss ko ’tong mga ganitong words of wisom niya! In fairness, nakaka-miss din ’tong si Psalm, e. Sana lang kasi ’di niya ako randomly inaaway, tapos ’di naman din sasabihin sa ’kin kung ano’ng problema.

“I know. I’m working on it,” sabi ko.

“Good,” he said. “It’s not enough that you just want it, you must also work for it.”

“It’s weird coming from you,” sabi ko. Kinunutan niya ako ng noo. “Not to like offend you or anything—”

“Usually, when people say that, it means that what’s coming next is offensive.”

I clicked on my tongue. “Fine, ’wag na.”

He laughed. “No, it’s fine. Ano’ng sasabihin mo?”

“Wag na.”

“Oh, come on. What is it?” he urged. Umiling ako nang umiling, but he’s pretty persistent. ’Di niya ako tinigilan! Unluckily for me, ito iyong class na pinabayaan na kami ng prof namin kasi nabigay niya na iyong requirement for final grade.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but ’wag kang ma-ooffend, ha!” sabi ko tapos tinawanan niya lang ako. “I mean… kasi alam mo ’yun? Sobrang privileged mo. Feeling ko zygote ka pa lang meron ka na ng lahat, e… So, it just felt a little weird to hear you talking about things like that…”

Pinagmasdan ko siya habang sinasabi ko bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig ko. I didn’t want to offend him, but I also wanted to be honest with my thoughts. Besides, before he got mad at me, nasasabi ko naman iyong mga nasa isip ko sa kanya. Maybe it’s my fucked up way of testing if we’re really fine.

“You know what’s hard about being privileged? It’s the assumption that you got everything handed to you on a silver platter,” he said.

I bit my lower lip. “Sorry,” agad na sabi ko. “I don’t want to offend—”

“It’s fine,” he said.

“But you sound mad,” I said, chewing on my lower lip.

“I’m not mad,” he said, bringing a smile on his face. “I’m trying to argue a point here,” sabi niya.

“But you sound mad…” ulit ko.

“You’re just not used to me being serious,” sabi niya. Oo nga. Mas sanay kasi ako na naka-good guy mode siya. Iyong laging naka-ngiti lang. Iyong kapag humingi ka ng favor, yes agad siya.

I just let out a sigh, and waited for him to continue. I was focused on every word that came out of his mouth. Iyong mga tao sa palagid namin, busy na sa pagpa-plano ng party para sa final requirement namin habang kami ni Psalm, mga privileges ang pinag-uusapan.

“Do you know that Austin’s really smart?” biglang sabi niya. Umiling lang ako. “When we were in elem, he graduated valedictorian.”

“Seryoso?” nagtataka na sabi ko. Akalain mo iyong suplado na ’yun may award nung elementary?

“Yeah,” he said. “But he heard some of his classmates saying that he only got the award because the school admin’s pressured to give it to him since he’s—as you’ve mentioned—privileged,” sabi niya. Bigla naman akong nahiya dahil sa assumption na ginawa ko. “Which doesn’t make sense since when I graduated, best in deportment lang naman ’yung nakuha kong award…”

Umawang iyong labi ko.

“Since then, Austin lost the motivation to study since he figured out that even if he deserves it, people will still think that we’re just privileged.”

Hindi ko alam iyong sasabihin ko. I didn’t know how we ended up in deep like this. Biglang… sobrang seryoso na lang nung pinag-uusapan namin.

But in a way, I felt closer to him. ’Di ko akalain na may mga ganito pala siyang tinatago. Akala ko kasi masaya lang siya palagi. Iyon pala, kahit ganoon, behind his smiles were stories waiting to be told.

“I’m sorry,” I sincerely said.

“It’s all right,” he said. “People tend to judge based on what they see.”

I bit my lower lip, and I felt an even more sunken feeling inside my chest. “It’s so unfair…” mahinang bulong ko. Ewan ko pero nasasaktan ako para sa kanila. Na sa tuwi bang may award silang makukuha, may ganito silang nararamdaman? Na kahit pinaghirapan naman nila, parang hindi pa rin?

“Life’s unfair to everybody, so in a way, it’s still fair,” he said. Bumalik na naman iyong ngiti sa labi niya. Paano kaya niya nagagawang maging magaang lagi ang pakiramdam? May mga ganito pa pala silang drama, tapos sure ako lagi rin silang may death threats. Kung ako ’yun, baka nagsnap na lang talaga ako.

“I feel so bad.”

“Hey, I didn’t tell you that so you’d feel bad,” he said. I didn’t utter a word because in all honesty, I felt so shitty dahil sa assumption na ginawa ko. Na kahit ano’ng assurance iyong sabihin sa ’kin ni Psalm na ayos lang, I still felt like shit.

Na hindi porke akala mo alam mo na, magja-judge ka agad.

Na hindi porke akala mo madali lang sa kanya, wala na siyang problema.

Sometimes, people just have their own ways of pretending that they’re fine when really, they’re carrying their own burdens.

“The moral of the story is that don’t be like Austin,” sabi niya. He, then, patted the top of my head. “Screw what everyone thinks. If you know you worked for it, then who cares what anyone thinks, right?”

A small smile dawned on my face.

“Right,” I replied.

---

After our talk , tumulong na kami since nagagalit na si Kitty. And we knew better than to mess with her lalo na kapag nasa boss mode siya gaya ng sabi ni Matt.

We went to the cafeteria immediately after since we’re all starving. Naunang maglakad iyong mga lalaki since may pinagbubulungan sila. I kind heard Andrea’s name, so baka may surprise na naman si Steele sa kanya. I kinda appreciated na ’di niya na halos isigaw sa mukha ko tuwing may gagawin siya for his girlfriend.

Marunong naman pala rumespeto.

“Magkausap kayo ni Psalm kanina?” Kitty asked.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Di na kayo galit?”

Umiling ako. “No, we’re friends again.”

Tumawa si Kitty nung sinabi ko ’yun. “Di ko alam ano’ng trip ni Psalm,” Kitty said to Anj. I frowned dahil biglang silang dalawa na lang iyong nag-uusap.

“Buti nga okay na kami, e!” biglang singit ko.

“Yeah, right,” Kitty said. “Anyway, how’s Marcus?”

I eyed her. “Ewan?”

“Di kayo nag-uusap?”

“I told you, we’re not that close,” sabi ko sa kanya. Mabuti na lang din, at busy si Psalm dun kila Steele kaya ’di niya naririnig kami. As much as possible, ayoko talaga banggitin si Marcus sa kanya. Baka sumpungin na naman, e.

“But seriously, he can help you with your NMAT. He’s super smart,” Kitty said. Kulang na lang talaga gumawa siya ng powerpoint presentation para ipakita sa akin kung bakit kailangan kong magpa-turo kay Marcus.

Sasagot sana ako nung matigil kami sa pag-uusap since tumigil din sa paglalakad iyong mga boys. Matt was grinning, tapos parang heart-shaped bigla iyong mga mata ni Simon. Si Steele naman, napa-buntong hininga.

“Why is she here again?” bulong sa akin ni Kitty.

Hindi ako naka-sagot. Naka-tingin lang ako sa harap namin.

“What are you doing here?” Psalm asked. His forehead was creased, and he looked genuinely baffled kung bakit nandito na naman siya.

White Lady grinned. “I crossed enrolled. Personal reasons. Give me a tour?”

“Oo naman!” sagot ni Matt. Lumingon sila sa amin na nasa likod nila. “Maiwan na muna namin kayo—”

“Akala ko sabay—” Kitty said.

“Alam niyo naman daan papuntang caf, ’di kayo maliligaw,” sabi ni Matt bago pinuntahan si Kia. Aba’t!

Kitty stomped on her feet. “That girl! Mang-aagaw ng friends!” she said, fuming as we all watched our guy friends walk away with the White Lady.

Chapter 23

#ABNQ23 Chapter 23

“Joey naman!” Kitty almost stomped her foot like a kid. Kanina pa niya ako pinipilit na tumambay sa cafeteria, but I chose to stay in the library. One, sumasama lang iyong loob ko sa caf tuwing nag-aaway si Kitty at Kia. Pangalawa, ayokong maipit sa gitna.

“Wala ako sa mood mainis, Kitty,” I said. Nasa library ako, and sa sobrang inis niya, wala na siyang pakielam kung mapagalitan siya ng librarian dahil sa ginagawa niya.

“But we need your help!”

Natawa ako ng sandali. “Saan? Para irapan si Kia?”

She nodded. “Precisely!”

Inayos ko iyong libro ko. “Alam mo, sa totoo lang, wala namang ginagawang masama si Kia—”

“Wala?! Na-brainwash niya na iyong boys! Nakita mo ba si Matt at Simon?! Kulang na lang latagan ng red carpet iyong dadaaanan nung mang-aagaw na ’yun!”

Natawa ulit ako. “Exactly. Sa mata nila Matt, walang ginagawa si Kia… habang tayo… well, tayo iyong kontrabida. Tayo iyong bitches na nang-aaway sa walang kamalay-malay na si Kia,” I pointed out. Her nostrils flared because of what I said. Pero totoo naman. Iyon iyong nangyayari. Sa ginagawa ni Kitty, kami iyong nagmumukhang masama at immature kila Matt.

“You’re right,” Kitty replied after pondering upon what I said. “Sige, iwan na muna kita. Mag-iisip ako ng plano,” sabi niya. Napailing na lang ako. Mukhang na-misinterpret pa yata niya iyong sinabi ko.

After a while, bumalik na ako sa classroom. Agad na naabutan ko si Psalm sa classroom. Kausap niya si Kia. Which was weird dahil hindi naman namin ka-year si Kia. In fact, junior pa lang siya.

“Joey,” Psalm said upon seeing me.

I smiled, but put my bag on the seat next to Kitty. Kami talaga ni Psalm iyong magkatabi, but seeing that someone’s occupying my place, marunong naman ako magbigay. Besides, wala akong plano maki-agaw.

Kinuha ko iyong Physics book sa bag ko. Nagtaka ako nung nasa tabi ko na si Psalm after.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I asked.

“Tuloy mamaya?” he simply asked.

Kumunot iyong noo ko. Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi. “Ah… Tuloy pa ba ’yun?” tanong ko. He was seriously busy the past few days. Sasamahan si Kia sa ganito, sasamahan si Kia sa ganyan. I just thought hindi niya na ako sasamahan sa pagpunta doon sa gusto kong review center dahil sa dami ng Kia-related activities niya.

His forehead creased, too. “Yeah… you planned it,” he pointed out.

I shrugged. “I thought cancelled na. Busy mo masyado, e.”

Naka-tingin siya sa ’kin. “Are you mad, too?”

“Ha? Bakit naman ako magagalit?”

“Kitty’s mad because of Kia. Galit ka rin ba?”

Natawa ako habang umiiling. “Hindi, ah. Bakit naman ako magagalit na busy kayo kay Kia? Na tipong pa-graduate na lang tayo, instead na magbonding, iba iyong bina-bond niyo,” sabi ko habang naka-ngiti sa kanya. “Buhay niyo ’yan, e. Ano’ng magagawa ko?”

Psalm looked lost for a moment, but an expression of amazement quickly replaced it. “Hindi ka galit niyan?” medyo natatawa niyang sabi.

Inirapan ko siya. “Bumalik ka na nga ’dun sa boss mo,” sabi ko, medyo tinutulak siya dahil naaalibadbaran ako sa itsura niya bigla.

I was seriously trying to push him away, but he wasn’t budging. He was even laughing! Walangyang ’to! Hirap na hirap na akong itulak siya, pero siya parang joke lang ’tong ginagawa ko!

Para kaming dalawa na nagtutulakan hanggang sa dumating na iyong professor namin.

“Don’t hide from me later,” he said, standing up.

Inirapan ko siya. “Ako na lang mag-isa.”

He laughed. ’Di talaga ako sini-seryoso nito! “Later, Joey,” sabi niya bago bumalik sa upuan niya. At saka ko lang napansin na wala na si White Lady. Tignan mo ’yun, napaka-weird! Nakiki-classroom lang! Bakit ba hindi siya kay Austin dumikit e iyon ang ka-year niya?!

Nung bumalik na si Psalm sa pwesto niya, naupo si Kitty sa tabi ko. “Ano’ng sabi ni Psalm? Nagsorry ba?” she asked.

“Bakit magsosorry?” tanong ko na nagtataka.

Kitty rolled her eyes. “Tsk. Ako lang ba talaga naiinis kay Kia mang-aagaw?” she murmured to herself before we began to listen to our professor. After all, we’re still students.

Nang matapos iyong klase namin, nagkita kaming friends sa labas ng classroom. Matt and Simon looked at Kitty weirdly dahil itong baliw na si Kitty, naka-ngiti. But not the usual kind of smile. Iyong smile na alam mong pilit.

“Ano’ng nakain mo?” nagtataka na tanong ni Matt sa kanya.

Kitty was still smiling weirdly. “Nothing,” she innocently said, but there’s really a trace of malice in her smile. Iyong parang may gagawing mali? “Aalis ba kayo?”

Matt nodded. “Yeah… pero kung mag-aaway kayo—”

Kitty widened her eyes even more, trying to look innocent. Mas lalong kumunot iyong noo ko. “Hindi kaya ako nang-aaway… Sorry kung medyo moody ako nitong mga nakaraang araw… Nag-away kasi sila Mama…” she said, then began to tell stories about her parents. Itong si Matt at Simon naman, agad na inalo si Kitty.

Baliw na babae! Kakagaling ko lang sa bahay nila nung isang araw kasi nag-aalala ako sa kanya dahil parang anytime aatakihin na siya sa sobrang inis kay Kia, e! Okay naman parents niya. Baliw talaga! Ito yata iyong sinasabi niyang ‘plano’ niya.

At the end of Kitty’s story, Matt and Simon were patting her head. Sabay silang naglakad palabas ng building. Hawak ni Matt iyong bag ni Kitty, while Simon was holding her books. That girl.

“What did just happen?” Anj asked after the three left.

Steele laughed. “Kitty happened,” he said. Tumingin siya kay Psalm. “Tuloy kayo?” he asked.

Psalm nodded, then looked at me. He was just looking at me, not saying anything. Nailang ako bigla kasi naka-tingin sa akin si Psalm, Steele, and Anj. Iyong tatlong tao pa na nagka-issue ako! Grabe, nakaka-pressure na naka-tingin sila sa ’kin!

“Oo na!” sabi ko kay Psalm. He was grinning wildly. Baliw din ’to, e! Parang ang saya niya na kasama ako, e siya naman dahilan kaya ’di kami nag-uusap nitong mga nakaraang araw kasi puro siya Kia. Kulang na nga lang lagyan ko ng malaking Kia iyong gitna ng noo niya, e.

“Una na ko,” Steele said. He looked at me, then smiled a little. “Alis na ko, Jo.”

I smiled a little, too. “Ah… sige.”

Nang umalis si Steele, mabilis na nagpaalam din si Anj—na parang ayaw niyang maiwan kasama kami ni Psalm.

“That was weird,” I commented nang makaalis na talaga sila sa paningin namin. I was still staring at the direction they disappeared to, when I heard Psalm talking.

“Because of Steele?” he asked.

Agad akong napa-tingin sa kanya. “Steele? Bakit?”

“Because he’s your ex?” he asked again. While he was saying the words, seryoso siyang naka-tingin sa mga mata ko kaya naman nakaramdam ako ng konting awkwardness. Bakit ba topic na naman namin si Steele? ’Di na nawala sa uso!

“Ex na nga. Past na. Move forward na tayo,” I said. We began walking towards the stairs. ’Di kasi kami mahilig mag-elevator unless sobrang nagmamadali. Una, nakakatakot kapag biglang nawalan ng power tapos na-stuck kami sa elevator. Nangyari na kasi dati, though hindi naman kami iyong na-stuck. Being safe lang. Besides, healthy maghagdan. Exercise na rin.

“At saka masaya naman siya with Andrea, so I’m happy for him,” I continued.

Psalm nodded, but he didn’t seem convinced with my answer. ’Di ko na pinilit kasi hindi ko naman siya mapipilit na maniwala sa akin kung ayaw niya, e. That’s what I learned the hard way about people. Kahit magmakaawa ka pa sa kanila, if ayaw nilang maniwala, wala kang magagawa. Sometimes, they’re already contented with whatever story they already formed inside their heads.

Pagdating namin sa baba, dumiretso na kami sa parking since sa sasakyan ni Psalm kami sasakay. After wearing my seatbelt, Psalm asked for the address of the review center. Sinabi ko tapos nilagay niya sa GPS niya.

Habang papalabas na kami ng gate ng school, naghanap ako ng tissue sa dashboard ni Psalm. Dahil wala doon, binuksan ko iyong glove compartment. Agad na kumunot iyong noo ko nung may makita ako na Cartier bangle.

“Kay Ate Maggie?” I asked. I didn’t want to assume na kay White Lady itong bangle.

Psalm turned a little to look at what I was holding. He fucking swerved! Muntik na kaming mabangga sa gate!

I frowned, tapos binalik ko iyong bangle sa compartment. Yaman ni White Lady! Nag-iiwan na lang ng Cartier na bangle sa glove compartment ng ibang tao! Siya na talaga!

“She probably just left it,” he said.

“Okay.”

“I’ll return it immediately,” he continued.

“Okay.”

“Joey…”

“Oh?”

“Are you mad?”

“Bakit ako magagalit? Ano naman kung nag-iwan siya ng bangle dito sa sasakyan mo?” sabi ko. Doon lang ako naka-tingin sa labas. Binibilang ko iyong mga sasakyan na nalalagpasan kami dahil sa kabagalan magdrive ni Psalm dahil naka-tingin siya sa akin. Kapag talaga kami nabangga, makikipagmultuhan ako sa White Lady na ’yun!

“I didn’t even know she left it here.”

“Bakit ka nag-eexplain?” naka-taas ang kilay na tanong ko kahit ’di naman niya nakikita. Ugh! Nahahawa na ako sa kamalditahan ni Kitty! Dapat ba kwentuhan ko na rin si Psalm tungkol sa problema ko sa bahay?

“Right,” Psalm uttered under his breath. Hindi na siya nagsalita pagkatapos nun, which annoyed me even more! At talagang ’di na nag-explain!

Tahimik na lang ako na nanood sa mga nangyayari sa kalsada. Nawala lang ako sa focus sa panonood nung sabihin ng GPS na nag-iba na kami ng way.

“Saan tayo pupunta?” I asked kasi ’di na talaga ito iyong daan papunta sa review center. But Psalm, the annoying broccoli, didn’t answer me! At siya pa talaga may ganang magalit!

I was killing him with my glares nang mapansin ko na sa bahay nila kami papunta. Great! Bwisit na nga ako kay Psalm, mukhang makikita ko pa iyong mga taksil na bibe! Napapaligiran na talaga ako ng mga nilalang na nabiktima ng White Lady!

Kakasabi ko lang kay Kitty na ’wag mang-badmouth kay Kia kasi sa amin lang babalik, but what was I doing?! Bakit ang daling magpayo sa iba, pero ang hirap gawin sa sarili?!

“Magpapa-sundo na ba ako kay Manong?” I asked him when we pulled over. “Ang sungit!” I shouted nung iwan ako sa sasakyan. ’Di niya naman ako narinig kasi lumabas na siya.

Lumabas na rin ako sa sasakyan. Pumasok si Psalm sa loob ng bahay nila, but not a minute later, lumabas na rin siya. Naka-kunot lang ang noo ko dahil ’di ko na gets kung ano ang nangyayari.

My forehead creased when he clicked the key fob, and a black Everest roared. “Let’s go,” Psalm said, opening the door to the driver’s seat. Pumasok na siya sa loob nun habang ako, naiwan pa rin sa labas na nagtataka. Did we really go here para magpalit siya ng sasakyan? Nasiraan ba iyong Range Rover niya ng ’di ko namamalayan? Kaya ba kami nagswerve kanina?

“Nasira ba iyong sasakyan kanina?” I asked, still weirded out.

Psalm wore his seatbelt. The car was brand new. May plastic pa nga iyong salamin. Amoy brand new din. At nung sinilip ko iyong sa side niya, ni wala pang ten kilometers tinatakbo nito! Bago nga.

“No,” he simply replied. He already revved the engine, at palabas na ulit kami ng bahay nila.

“E bakit ka nagpalit ng sasakyan?”

“Because I don’t want to hear you nag about some girl leaving something in my car,” sabi niya kaya biglang umawang iyong labi ko. “This car’s brand new. No one left anything here. Ikaw pa lang nakaka-sakay na babae,” seryosong sabi niya kaya mas lalong umawang ang labi ko.

Chapter 24

#ABNQ24 Chapter 24

Tahimik lang ako talaga ako pagkatapos sabihin ni Psalm iyong ‘Ikaw pa lang nakaka-sakay na babae’ na kaartehan niya. As in hindi pa ako nakakapagsalita simula nun! I mean, what was I supposed to say?! Na masyado niya akong spoiled na bumalik pa kami sa bahay nila para lang ’di na ako mairita sa Cartier na iniwan ni White Lady?!

My mind was starting to wander to places I didn’t even want to go to.

“We’re here,” he said, pulling over.

Tahimik pa rin akong naka-upo, clutching on the hem of my dress. What a bad day to wear a dress. Gusto ko na talaga magmarathon palayo sa kanya.

“Joey,” he said when I still wasn’t moving.

Instead, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and hoped that everything’s gonna be fine.

“A-ah,” I said, my lips still quivering a little. Grabe naman kasi! Bakit ba ganito iyong effect sa akin nung sinabi ni Psalm? Maybe Jax was right; spoiled nga talaga kaming mga tatlo nila Kitty ng mga guy friends namin.

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking worried.

I nodded, then fucking smiled. Great. Ako ’tong naiinis sa kanya kapag nagsa-smile siya kahit obvious naman na hindi totoo, tapos ako ’tong gumagawa sa kanya ngayon. What a hypocrite, Joey.

I knew Psalm didn’t buy my lie, but he didn’t point it out. Lumabas na kami, and pumasok sa loob. Tahimik lang si Psalm habang nag-iinquire ako sa schedule and whatnots ng review center.

“San ka galing?” I asked because he wasn’t there after I was done transacting. Nagpa-reserve na ako ng slot since mabilis maubos dito since ito ’yung pinaka-sikat sa Metro na review center. Though ’di ko pa talaga nasasabi sa family ko ’tong balak ko dahil ayoko talaga ma-pressure.

“Wandered around,” he said. “You done?”

I nodded. “Naka-bayad na ko ng reservation,” I said. Pagkatapos kong magsalita, napansin ko na naka-tingin pa rin siya sa ’kin. “What?”

“You’re still worried,” he pointed-out.

“Am not.”

“You are,” he insisted. “You’re obvious,” he continued.

I didn’t comment on that. Sabi kasi ni Jax, minsan, sobrang hirap ko raw maintindihan kasi madalas walang reaction iyong mukha ko. Mukhang neutral lang ako sa lahat ng bagay kaya ’di niya masabi agad kung ano ang nasa isip ko. But with Psalm, parang gets niya na agad kahit wala pa akong sinasabi. I wasn’t sure if I was being more transparent, or if he was just paying attention.

Either way, uncharted territory.

“Of course I’m nervous,” I admitted. “It’s a huge step for me,” sabi ko habang naglalakad kami palabas. Psalm was just quietly listening, as if he was allowing me to rant. “I know I said na ’di ko sinabi sa parents ko kasi ayokong ma-pressure, but truth was, ayoko lang sila ma-disappoint in case na bumagsak ako. Alam mo ’yun? ’Di naman ako takot bumagsak kasi nangyayari naman talaga. Mas takot ako sa iisipin ng parents ko, ng ibang tao. I just hate disappointing the people around me,” I said, and finished it with a heavy sigh.

Hanggang makarating kami pabalik sa sasakyan ni Psalm, nagrarant pa rin ako. Tahimik lang si Psalm, but he made me feel na he’s listening. I admire that about him.

We were just inside the car while I was talking. Naka-bukas lang iyong engine, but Psalm didn’t look like he’s about to drive. Hinahayaan niya lang akong magsalita.

“Sorry, ang dami ko na yatang nasabi,” I apologized when I realized na almost 20 minutes na pala kaming nandito lang sa sasakyan.

He looked at me, then smiled a little. “It’s alright.”

“Wala ka bang sasabihin?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nah. Sometimes, you don’t need someone else’s perspective; you just need someone who’ll listen.”

Then he revved the engine. Ako? Napa-nganga na naman. Pwedeng-pwede talagang i-quote ’tong tao na ’to! Daming words of wisdom.

---

While Psalm was driving, he asked me if ihahatid niya na ba ako sa bahay.

“If okay lang, baba mo na lang ako sa supermarket,” I said. Nagtext kasi si Jax na may pinapa-biling food. Syempre susundin ko kasi baka sungitan na naman ako ’nun kapag ’di nasunod gusto.

“Okay,” he said.

I gently tapped the dashboard of his new car. “Regalo sa ’yo nung birthday mo?” I asked.

He shook his head. “This is Austin’s.”

“Tapos ikaw unang gumamit?!” gulat na tanong ko. Syempre, alam ko na boys and their toys. Si Jax nga ayaw akong pagdrive-in ng sasakyan niya, e! As if naman ibabangga ko. Malamang kapag nabangga, masasaktan ako.

He nodded. “Yeah…” he lazily said.

I bit my lower lip. Kaya ba niya ginamit dahil nga nag- nag ako dahil sa nakita kong bangle ni Kia? Dahil lang ’dun?

“Di ba ’yun magagalit?”

“Most probably, yes, but bayaan mo na,” he said, then we pulled over sa parking lot. Parang wala lang naman kay Psalm, but I was worried. Baka pag-awayan pa nila ’to na si Psalm pa iyong naka-una sa sasakyan ni Austin dahil lang nag-inarte ako. Ang sungit pa naman ni Austin.

Hanggang sa maka-pasok kami, iyon ang iniisip ko kaya muntik na akong matisod nung cart habang naglalakad ako.

“Are you okay?” he asked, holding me since I really almost landed on my face.

My heart was racing a bit inside my chest dahil sa gulat sa mga pangyayari. I nodded at him. “Y-yeah,” sabi ko. He was still holding my arm while looking at me. “Okay lang ako,” I said, reassuring him because he really looked worried.

Kumuha ako ng cart. Sinimulan kong itulak ’yun, but Psalm got the cart from me. Siya iyong nagtutulak habang tinitignan ko iyong listahan na tinext sa akin ng munting prinsipe.

“Wala ’yan sa list ko,” I said, my forehead creased, when Psalm kept on dumping random food.

“I’ll pay,” he said.

“Ikaw ba kakain niyan?” I asked dahil mga junk food iyong nilalagay niya sa cart. E ’di naman ’to kumakain ng junk food. Lahat ng pagkain sa mahiwagang bag niya, kung hindi Gatorade, mga nutritious snacks.

Umiling siya. “Replacement for all the food Matt and Simon ate when we’re at your place,” he simply said.

“Hala, okay lang naman,” sabi ko habang abala pa rin siya sa pagshoot ng pagkain sa cart ko. Parang nagmemental arithmetic na ako sa dami ng shinu-shoot niya sa cart.

“Nakaka-hiya kay Tita,” he said.

“Para kang tanga!” sabi ko. Ano ’to? Tuwing nasa bahay sila, tinatandaan niya lahat ng kinakain nila Matt para palitan niya? Siraulo din talaga ’to.

Sinubukan ko na ibalik iyong mga kinukuha niya, pero mas mabilis siyang maglagay ng mga pagkain, so para lang din akong tanga sa ginagawa ko. At dahil hindi naman ako athletic na tao, napagod din ako agad sa mga pangyayari.

Busy si Psalm sa pag-iisip kung ano’ng brand ng tinapay iyong kinakain nila Matt sa bahay nung bigla akong naka-kita ng broccoli. I immediately picked one up, and went back to him.

Psalm frowned. “Kamukha mo talaga,” I said, grinning while holding the broccoli next to him.

“My hair doesn’t look like that,” sabi niya habang naka-simangot pa rin.

Umiling ako. “Promise, ganito talaga itsura mo!” sabi ko. “Ganito ka kapag naglalakad,” I said then walked the broccoli. “Ganito ka kapag tumatakbo,” I said then motioned the broccoli as if it’s running. Tawang-tawa ako sa sarili ko habang si Psalm naka-kunot lang ang noo habang pinapanood ako.

“Tss.”

I grinned. “Pikon ka na?”

Umiling siya. “It takes a lot to piss me off,” he said, then he just randomly grabbed 3 breads. ’Di siguro maisip kung anong brand iyong nasa bahay.

“Tss. Ang bilis mo nga ma-piss off sa ’kin, e,” I said habang naka-sunod ako sa kanya. Si Psalm iyong nagtutulak sa pushcart, habang ang hawak ko lang ay iyong broccoli na pinaglaruan ko.

“That was before,” he said.

“Iba na ngayon?”

He shrugged a little. “Yeah.”

“Ano’ng pinagkaiba?” I asked.

Medyo matagal bago siya sumagot. Para bang pinag-iisipan niya kung ano ang sasabihin niya.

“I can’t explain,” he just simply said.

Tahimik lang akong naka-tingin sa kanya habang nasa counter na kami at nagsscan na ng mga pinamili niya. Kaunti lang ang pinapabili sa akin ni Jax, but because of Psalm, isang malaking cart iyong napuno naming dalawa.

“What?” he asked while looking at me. Ako naman, napansin ko na pasulyap-sulyap si Ate sa counter kay Psalm habang nagsscan. Sabagay, pansinin din kasi ’tong broccoli na ’to. Ang tangkad kasi tapos sobrang kinis ng mukha, as in!

“Wala.”

“What?” he asked again.

I shook my head. “Wala… Masaya lang ako na okay na ulit tayo,” sabi ko na may maliit na ngiti sa labi ko. “Wag mo na akong awayin ulit, okay? Or if may nagawa ako, sabihin mo agad sa ’kin para makapagsorry ako or what. Ayoko talaga nung bigla ka na lang nagiging snob.”

Psalm was just looking at me. Always.

“Okay,” he simply said.

“Promise?”

He nodded. “I just want you to be happy.”

I smiled. “Ako rin. Gusto ko masaya ka rin.”

---

Pagdating namin sa bahay, nandoon si Jax. Apparently, kanina niya pa pala ako hinihintay.

“Binili niyo ba ’yung buong supermarket?” Jax asked upon seeing Psalm carrying a lot of paper bags. Tumulong na nga rin ako kasi ang dami talaga.

“Si Psalm, e,” I said.

“Siya bumili?” I nodded. “E bakit nasa bahay?”

I shrugged. “Ewan ko sa weirdong ’yun.”

“Boyfriend mo?”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Paka-chismoso mong tao talaga!” sabi ko kay Jax at saka tinalikuran siya. Lumabas na lang ako, at saka tinulungan si Psalm na buhatin iyong mga natira pang paperbags.

Nang mapasok na namin lahat sa kusina, I stared at all of the paperbags.

“Ano’ng sasabihin ko kila Mama kapag nakita nila ’to?” I asked, my arms crossed against my chest.

Psalm shrugged. “Up to you.”

I eyed him. “Sobrang yaman niyo ba talaga at wala ka ng mapaglagyan ng pera?”

He laughed. “I told you, it’s for everything we’ve eaten.”

“Sabi ko naman na ’di ko naman binibilang.”

“What if you invite them over, then let’s just eat the food?” Psalm suggested.

I eyed him again. “When you say them, ibig sabihin ba nun kasama si Kia?” seryosong tanong ko. I didn’t want to put malice in my voice because I felt like I was being utterly immature para magalit sa isang tao na wala naman talagang ginagawa sa ’kin. I mean, wala pa naman siyang ginagawa, as far as I was concerned.

Psalm cocked his head to the side. “What did Kia ever do to you?” he asked.

“Seryoso ka ba?”

He nodded. “Yeah… She’s nice.”

I scoffed. “Syempre, lalaki ka.”

“Why are you so pissed with her? You haven’t even tried talking to her.”

I looked at him, then bit my tongue to prevent myself from saying things I would just regret later on.

“I don’t know. I just don’t feel her.”

“Don’t you think that’s being unfair? You just hate her for no reason?”

Umiling ako. “I don’t hate her, Psalm. ’Di ko lang siya feel maging friend. Magkaiba ’yun. Minsan kasi, ’di mo lang talaga gusto iyong tao. That doesn’t mean na galit ka sa kanya. ’Di lang talaga kayo click. Ganon lang ka-simple.”

Mukhang ’di pa rin ako naintindihan ni Psalm, pero wala siyang balak makipagtalo sa akin. He just nodded, then put his hands inside his pocket.

“Okay, then,” he said. “Just the usual.”

I looked at him. “Do you think I’m being a bitch?” seryosong tanong ko sa kanya.

Agad na kumunot iyong noo niya. “What? Of course not. I’d never think of you that way.”

“But you said I’m being unfair…”

He shrugged. “It’s okay to be unfair. You’re not perfect. Okay lang magkamali, Joey.”

“So, ako nga ’yung mali?”

Psalm pursed his lips, then uttered, “I shouldn’t have said anything,” under his breath.

Natawa ako. Mukha kasing constipated na si Psalm dahil ayaw ko siyang tigilan habang ’di niya inaamin na sinabi niya na ako iyong mali. Okay lang naman sa ’kin na sabihin niya na mali ako kasi alam ko naman na ako ’yung may mali. But I couldn’t will myself to hang with Kia when in fact, I don’t feel her.

“Joey,” he said. Tumingin ako sa kanya. ’Di ako nagsalita. Hinintay ko lang siya kung ano ang sasabihin niya. “Nothing,” he said.

I arched a brow. “Nothing?”

Saglit na umawang iyong labi niya. “Everything,” he said. Napakunot iyong noo ko dahil wala namang connect sa sinabi ko. This fucking weird broccoli.

Chapter 25

#ABNQ25 Chapter 25

Nung kinagabihan, sa bahay namin nagdinner iyong mga kaibigan ko. Lakas naman kasi ng topak ni Psalm para bilhan kami ng grocery ayan tuloy, nahiya si Mama kaya pinapunta agad dito sila Matt—not that they’re complaining. Sila Matt pa ba? Basta free food, okay agad!

“Ano’ng meron?” Matt asked pagdating nila. Si Kitty, kausap si Simon. Si Anj, may ka-text. Nawawala si Steele.

I shrugged. “Basta invite ko raw kayo,” I just said. Ayoko na ikwento sa kanila iyong dahilan kung bakit sila nandito. “Si Steele?” I asked dahil akala ko kumpleto sila. Si Psalm kasi nasa loob kausap si Papa.

“Sasakyan,” Matt simply said. “Nahihiya ata pumasok.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha? Bakit?”

“Syempre, ginago ka. May hiya naman pala ’yun kaya ayaw pumasok,” sabi ni Matt tapos tumawa. Sinamaan ko nga ng tingin. Siya talaga ’yung tipo na unang natatawa kapag problemado iyong kaibigan niya. Siraulo din talaga.

“Baliw,” I uttered. “Puntahan mo. Sabihin mo pasok na siya.”

“Ikaw na,” he replied.

“Ikaw na,” I shot back. Umiling siya. “Bilis na kasi.”

“Ayaw nga kasing pumasok. Ikaw na lang pumilit kung gusto mo,” he said before finally leaving me. Pumasok na sila sa loob tapos ako naman, napilitan na lumabas para ayain si Steele na pumasok sa loob. Paglabas ko, nakita ko siya na nakatayo lang sa labas ng sasakyan.

“Uy,” I called. He looked at me. I smiled awkwardly. Okay naman na kami. Medyo nag-uusap na, pero hindi pa rin kagaya nung dati na close kami. Ngayon, sobrang nakakailang lalo na kapag ganito na kaming dalawa lang. ’Di katulad ng dati na umaabot kami ng madaling araw na kung anu-ano lang ’yung pinag-uusapan namin.

Hirap pala talaga kapag naging kayo ng kaibigan mo. Tapos naghiwalay. Sobrang nakakahinayang sa pinagsamahan. Kasi kahit ano’ng gawin niyo, ramdam niyo na may nagbago.

“Pasok ka na sa loob,” I said. Steele was still just looking at me. I chewed on my lower lip, thinking of what I’d say wouldn’t make things awkward. “Uhh… ’Di naman alam ng family ko ’yung sa ’tin,” I said, hoping that that’s what he needed to hear. Kung totoo nga iyong sinasabi ni Matt na kaya ayaw pumasok ni Steele sa loob e kasi nahihiya siya sa family ko, wala naman dapat kasi ’di rin naman alam nila Mama.

So, I stood there, hands inside my pocket, waiting for him to say something.

“Joey,” he finally said after a few silent seconds.

I looked at him, not saying anything.

“I’m sorry.”

Medyo umawang iyong labi ko.

“I won’t bother explaining because I feel like nothing I say would change the fact that I was an ass to you, but let me apologize.”

Naka-tingin ako sa kanya. Steele looked really serious. Like he really meant every word he’d say.

“I don’t know if saying that I’m sorry will change anything, but I’m sorry.”

Unti-unting nagkaroon ng ngiti sa labi ko. “Sorry mo lang naman hinihintay ko,” I said. Bahagyang umawang iyong labi niya. “Ang hirap din kasi magpatawad sa tao na ’di naman humihingi ng tawad, alam mo ’yun?” I asked, and then guilt quickly washed over his face. I knew he was sorry, ramdam ko naman. Pero iba pa rin iyong sa bibig niya mismo narinig ko na sorry siya sa ginawa niya, sa nangyari.

“Pero okay na ako ngayon. Masaya ka na rin,” I continued. “Okay na.”

We stayed there, staring at each other. Tinignan ko siya, pero hindi na kagaya nung dati. Na simpleng tingin niya pa lang, kinikilig na ako. Na isipin ko pa lang siya, parang sasabog na ako.

Ngayon? Wala na.

“I’m sorry, Joey.”

I smiled. “Sorry din if ilang beses kitang nasampal at nasigawan,” nahihiyang sabi ko. “But ’wag na nating balikan. Tara na sa loob, baka inuubos na nila Matt ’yung pagkain,” I said, smiling at him.

Steele was still hesitant to go inside, but I finally managed to convince him. Sabay kaming naglakad, pero may pagitan sa gitna namin. ’Di ko alam kung dahil ba aware kami na may past kami, or respeto lang kay Andrea. Either way, it’s still way better than pretending that he doesn’t exist.

Pagdating namin sa loob, napatingin silang lahat sa aming dalawa ni Steele.

“What?” I asked because it was so awkward that they were all staring. It felt like they all wanted to ask questions, but they couldn’t find the right words. “Wag nga kayong tumitig,” I said, waving my hand.

Naupo ako sa tabi ni Kitty. Si Steele naman, naupo sa tabi ni Simon.

“What happened?” Kitty whispered.

I shrugged. “Nag-usap lang kami.”

“Tungkol sa?”

“Bagay-bagay,” sabi ko na lang. Kaibigan ko si Kitty, but what Steele and I talked about felt personal. Ayokong sabihin sa iba. Okay na ako na nag-usap kami. Ayoko na ikwento.

After that, tinawag na kami ni Manang para sabihin na ready na iyong dinner. Pagdating namin sa dining area, kanya-kanya na kaming upo. Napa-ngiti na lang ako dahil sa dami ng beses na dito na sila kumain, talagang feel at home na mga kaibigan ko.

We said grace first before eating. Tahimik lang akong kumakain, nakikinig sa usapan nila. My parents were asking them questions—si Mama kapag mga seryosong bagay. Si Papa naman iyong nagtatanong nung mga light questions lang. Kahit sobrang baliktad ni Papa at Mama, somehow, sobrang perfect nila together.

“What are your plans after college?” Mama asked.

Muntik na mabulunan iyong mga lalaki dahil truth be told, wala talaga silang plano. Basketball is life ’yung mga ’yun, e.

“Maybe I’ll take up masterals po or baka maglaw din ako,” Kitty said. Agad na napa-tingin si Jax nung marinig ’yun. Sus, may kinilig na naman na kuting.

Mama nodded in approval. Si Papa naman, tungkol sa lovelife ang tinanong.

“Wala pa rin?” natatawang tanong nila Papa kila Matt. “Ang hihina niyo naman.”

“Grabe naman, Tito! Ouch!” Matt said, faking a hurt.

“Aba’y nung ka-edad niyo ako e nabuo na namin si Jax,” tatawa-tawang sabi ni Papa. Nilakihan siya ng mata ni Mama.

The guys laughed.

“E, Tito, kung pagbuo lang, madali lang ’yun,” Matt said. Muntik na akong mabulunan sa sinabi niya. Baliw talaga!

“E bakit nga wala pa kayong mga girlfriend? ’Di naman kayo panget,” sabi ni Papa. Grabe. Kung ano kina-seryoso ng nanay ko, ’to namang si Papa nakiki-bagets sa mga tanong.

“E wala pa talaga, Tito,” Matt said. “Pero si Steele, under de saya na ’yan. Si Psalm… tsk, ’wag na nating pag-usapan, Tito, at medyo sensitive pa.”

Papa laughed. “Nako. Basted ba?”

“Ayun nga, Tito, ’di pa nagsisimula, sinuko na agad,” sabi na naman ni Matt. Akala niya ’di ko napapansin na pangatlong serving na ng rice iyong nasa plato niya. Dapat pala pinabili ko na rin si Psalm ng isang sako ng bigas.

“Aba’y mahina naman pala,” kumento ni Papa.

Tinukso si Psalm sa table hanggang sa matapos iyong kainan. After that, dumiretso sa garden iyong mga lalaki. Iinom yata, ewan. Okay lang naman kila Mama na uminom kami ni Jax, basta in moderation lang daw sa lahat ng bagay. Ayaw naman nila kaming pagbawalan kasi baka mas lalo lang daw kaming ma-curious.

Kaming mga babae, nagvolunteer na tulungan sila Manang na magligpit ng pinagkainan. May dessert din kasi na cake na inuwi si Mama, so hinati namin ’yun.

“Sino ’yung sinasabi nila na kay Psalm?” I asked while Kitty was busy slicing the cake. Perfectionist kasi ’yun kaya gusto niya proportionate ’yung hati ng bawat part.

Anj shrugged. Kitty winked.

Grabe, sobrang informative nilang dalawa.

Nauna kong ihatid iyong cake sa labas dahil inaayos pa nila Kitty iyong chips and cheese dip. Paglabas ko, narinig ko na nag-uusap iyong mga lalaki.

“Pa-graduate na tayo. ’Di ka talaga gagalaw?” Matt asked.

“Torpe ’yan, e,” Simon said, then sipped on his beer.

“Grabe, wala ka man lang bang namanang galaw kay Saint? Naunahan ka pa nung kapatid mo sa crush niya,” Matt said, shaking his head in disapproval.

“That’s different,” Psalm said. His voice was serious. Ibang-iba sa kapag kausap niya ako. Alam ko minsan seryoso din kaming mag-usap, pero iba iyong ngayon.

Parang mas seryoso.

Mas malalim.

“Ano’ng pinagkaiba? Pareho lang ’yun. Sabihin mo, mahina ka lang, ’tol,” Matt said.

“It’s different,” he repeated. “I don’t want to force myself.”

“Force agad? ’Di pwede na sabihin mo muna kung ano nararamdaman mo?”

Psalm shook his head, then grabbed a bottle of beer. Uminom siya. Nangawit na ako dahil ang bigat nung tray na hawak ko.

“What if she doesn’t like me? What if she likes someone else? What if telling her completely change everything?” sabi ni Psalm na akala mo problemadong-problemado. “It’s just complicated, alright?”

Napailing si Matt. Si Simon, tinapik siya sa balikat. Si Steele, may ka-text.

“So, okay lang sa ’yo na friends na lang?” Matt asked… but Psalm didn’t respond.

---

I ended up waiting for a minute bago ako lumabas para dalhin iyong cake. They were all looking at me weirdly nung binababa ko sa table iyong cake.

“Ano?” tanong ko dahil naka-tingin sila sa akin.

“Kamusta ’yung Marcus, Jo?” Matt asked.

Kinunutan ko ng noo. “Bakit nasali na naman si Marcus sa usapan?”

Matt shrugged. “Curious lang. Kamusta si Marcus?”

“Okay lang…”

“Nililigawan ka?”

“Hindi.”

“Pag niligawan ka, okay lang sa ’yo?”

“Ang weird ng mga tanong mo,” sabi ko sa kanya. Tinignan ko iyong mga bote. Ang dami na pala nilang nainom na beer. Mukhang sa guest room bagsak ng mga ’to, ah. ’Di papayagan ni Mama na umuwi kapag gantong naka-inom na, e.

“Sagot na lang, Jo,” Matt urged.

I sighed. “Di muna siguro,” I replied. “No offense kay Steele, pero time out muna ko sa mga ganyan. ’Di naman ako nagmamadali. Pero kung dadating, e ’di okay.”

I looked at them, but they seemed disappointed with my answer. Ano ba gusto nilang sabihin ko? Na magpapaligaw ako kay Marcus? I mean, the idea of Marcus was actually tempting. Matalino. Chemical Engineering Student. Student Council President. Swimmer. Ayun na, e.

But still.

“Pero ’di nga kasi siya nanliligaw, so wala ring kwenta ’yung tanong niyo,” I said for the sake of clarifying things. “Okay na ba?”

Akala ko wala na silang sasabihin, pero humabol pa si Matt.

“So, hypothetical question, if may gustong manligaw sa ’yo, basted agad?”

I rolled my eyes. Nasaan ba sila Kitty at ng may ibang mapagtripan mga ’to?

“Ayoko,” iyon lang ang sinabi ko, tapos iniwan ko na sila.

---

’Di na muna ako lumabas after ko i-deliver iyong cake dahil medyo na-weirduhan talaga ako sa mga tanong nila. Nagstay kami nila Kitty sa loob tapos nanood ng episodes ng FRIENDS habang kumakain ng popcorn. Pero ang totoo, inuupdate ko lang si Kitty tungkol kay Jax.

“Di ba tayo lalabas?” Kitty asked after she was done interrogating me about my brother.

Anj nodded. “Para makausap din natin iyong mga guys.”

Kitty nodded, too. “Oo nga. Puro sila Kia nitong mga nakaraang araw, e. It’s our turn to shine,” she said with a devious laugh. Napailing ako. Mabilis na tumayo silang dalawa, at dumiretso sa garden. Sinabi ko na magccr muna ako.

Paglabas ko sa CR, naka-salubong ko si Psalm.

“Lasing ka na?” I asked, laughing dahil sobrang pula niya na. Beer lang kasi iyong iniinom nila kanina, tapos bigla ba naman silang inabutan ni Papa ng Bacardi and Cuervo! Grabe, sobrang supportive talaga nun.

My laughter was cut short when I noticed that Psalm was just looking at me. Suddenly, I felt tensed.

“Bakit?” sabi ko kasi medyo naiilang na ako sa titig niya.

“Ayaw mo talaga?” he asked.

“Lasing ka na ba?”

“Just answer the question, Joey,” he said in a tone that sounded like he’s in pain.

I tried to laugh to ease away the tension, but Psalm looked so… serious. That it hurt to even just look at him.

“Ano ba ’yung tanong mo?” balik ko sa kanya.

“If you really don’t want to. If there’s really no chance.”

“Importante ba ’yung sagot ko?”

He looked at me. He nodded.

“Bakit?” tanong ko.

“Because your answer will determine what I’d do next.”

Chapter 26

#ABNQ26 Chapter 26

“Lasing ka na yata,” I said, dismissing the seriousness in his voice. I didn’t like what was happening. I didn’t like how he looked at me. I didn’t like the uneasiness he was making me feel.

“I’m not drunk,” he answered, staring at me like he wanted to know my deepest thoughts. Sinubukan kong tumawa, pero parang nagmukha lang akong tanga dahil sa sobrang seryoso niya.

I waived my hand. “Naku,” I said, “Gusto mo bang tubig? Para mawala ng konti tama mo,” I continued then started walking towards the ref. Pero bago ko pa man mabuksan iyong ref, naramdaman ko na naman si Psalm na naka-sunod sa ’kin.

Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.

Bakit ba niya ako tinitignan nang ganyan?!

“Joey,” he said. Sa ilang taon na magkakilala kami, ilang beses niya na tinawag iyong pangalan ko. Joey. Pero iyong paraan ng pagtawag niya ngayon, hindi ko alam pero may ibang dating sa akin.

And I didn’t like how it was making me feel.

I tried to laugh it off, masking how restless he was making me feel. How perturbed. How unsettled.

“Bakit ang seryoso mo?” sabi ko habang naka-ngiti pa rin. Pero parang kahit ano’ng gawin ko, hindi maalis iyong ka-seryosohan sa mukha niya. Na nagiging dahilan kung bakit palakas nang palakas iyong tibok ng puso ko.

“Why are you dodging my question?” he asked.

“Ano’ng question ba?” I asked, smiling although my chest felt like it was being drilled by the way Psalm was staring at me. This was one of those times that I hated how intense his eyes were. Na isang tingin pa lang, parang kakapusin na ako ng hininga.

“If you really don’t want to. If there’s really no chance.”

Pumikit ako, at saka huminga nang malalim. Wala lang ’to. Baka isa lang ’to sa mga panahon na seryosong bagay iyong pinag-uusapan namin ni Psalm.

Nanginginig iyong kamay ko nang buksan ko iyong ref, at kumuha ng tubig. My hands started to tremble more as I reached for the glass. At hindi rin naka-tulong na sa bawat galaw ko, ramdam ko na nasa akin iyong mga mata niya.

“Chance ba sa ano?”

“Don’t play dumb on me,” sabi niya.

Humigpit iyong hawak ko sa baso. “Hindi ko nga kasi alam kung ano ’yung gusto mong sagutin ko,” matapang na sagot ko sa kanya, pero ni hindi ko nagawang tumingin sa mga mata niya dahil alam ko na isang tingin ko lang ’dun, talo na agad ako.

“Joey,” he said, sounding like he’s in pain.

Huminga ako nang mas malalim.

“You said you don’t want friends.”

Oh, fuck.

“S-so?” I managed to ask although every fiber of my being was begging me to run. To just running fucking far away.

“What…” he trailed, making me curse inside my head because fuck! Bakit ba siya ganito?! Bakit ba niya ginagawa ’to?!

Mabilis kong kinuha iyong baso sa counter, and naglakad. Nanginginig iyong buong sistema ko. Para akong tanga na naglalakad. Na sa bawat hakbang ko, nagdadasal ako na sana ’wag niya ng dugtungan iyong sinabi niya.

Ayos naman na ganito.

Bakit kailangang guluhin?

“What if I want to date you?”

Biglang napatigil ako sa paglalakad.

Biglang parang ramdam ko kahit simpleng paghinga niya.

My hands were trembling. I pursed my lips, and took a deep breath. Pasimple kong pinatong iyong baso sa lamesa dahil alam ko na isang salita pa na lumabas sa bibig niya, mababagsak ko na ’yun.

“Lasing ka lang,” sabi ko.

“I’m not drunk.”

“Baka ako ’yung lasing. Kung anu-ano na ’yung naririnig ko,” mabilis kong sabi. Naglakad ulit ako, pero ramdam ko na naka-sunod siya sa ’kin. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta para hindi niya ako sundan hanggang sa makarating na ako sa labas.

Walang tao.

Halos alas-dose na.

“Joey,” sabi niya na parang hirap na hirap na.

“Sabi ko naman uminom ka ng tubig. Lasing ka na talaga,” sabi ko habang patuloy ako sa paglalakad, at patuloy siya sa pagsunod sa akin. Masyado ng gabi. Malamig na rin. Nilalamig na ako dahil cotton shorts at t-shirt lang ang suot ko, pero wala akong magawa. Mas gusto kong lamigin kaysa kung anu-ano iyong marinig ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng oras na. Wala akong dalang cellphone o relo. Pero alam ko na sobrang tagal na naming naglalakad nang maramdaman ko na sumasakit na iyong mga paa ko.

Hanggang isang segundo, tumigil din ako.

At nandun pa rin siya.

“Ano ba’ng gusto mo?” I asked him. His face was not as red as before, but his eyes were still as piercing. Na sa simpleng tingin pa lang niya, alam ko na dapat na akong kabahan.

Psalm’s never the kind of guy who decides rashly.

Dahilan kaya bakit mas mabilis iyong kabog ng dibdib ko.

“Joey, what if I want to date you?”

Ang bilis. Walang pakundangan. Diretso sa mata.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko. Gusto ko siyang tawanan at sabihin na lasing lang siya, pero hindi ko magawa dahil sa sobrang seryoso ng itsura niya.

Na parang ang laking kasalanan kapag hindi ko siya sineryoso.

“Ginagago mo ba ko?”

His jaw clenched.

“Are you fucking serious?” balik niya sa ’kin.

“Minumura mo ba ko?!” I seethed. “Ano ba kasing problema mo?! Bakit ka ba nagtatanong ng ganyan?!”

Iyong dibdib ko, parang sasabog na sa dami ng nararamdaman ko. Sabay-sabay. Nakaka-torete.

“Okay naman tayo, ah! Bakit bigla kang humihirit ng ganyan?! Pinagti-tripan mo ba ko?!”

Psalm looked like he was so fucking pissed at me, but so was I! Akala ba niya masaya iyong ginagawa niya sa ’kin?! He’s messing with my head, and I didn’t like it!

“Who said I was okay?” he asked, his teeth gritting in annoyance. “Do you know how I feel?”

“Hindi, pero—”

“You don’t know how I feel, Joey, but I’m telling you now,” he said in a calmer tone. “Joey, I—”

Tinakpan ko iyong dalawang tenga ko, at umiling. “Ayoko,” I said. “Wag mong sabihin.”

Naka-tingin lang si Psalm sa ’kin.

Simpleng tingin.

Pero bakit ramdam na ramdam ko kung gaano siya nasasaktan?

Like as I shook my head, I was crushing his heart.

Kaya tumigil ako. Kasi ’di ko rin kaya na durugin ’yung puso niya.

Tumigil ako, pero naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. Ilang metro iyong pagitan namin, pero kitang-kita ko kung gaano siya nahihirapan. Ako rin naman. Pareho lang kami.

Ayoko nito.

“Wag.”

Isang salita.

Isang salita, pero parang ang sakit.

“Why?” he asked.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla kong naramdaman iyong tubig sa mga mata ko. Naramdaman ko iyong pagbagsak niya, pero diretso pa rin ako na naka-tingin sa kanya.

“Okay naman tayo, ’di ba?”

Umiling siya. “I wasn’t.”

“Psalm naman…” A lone tear fell. “Masaya naman tayo. Nag-uusap tayo. Okay naman… Bakit mo ’to ginagawa?”

He clenched his jaw, and stared at me coldly. “I told you I wasn’t happy.”

“Sinungaling. Masaya tayo. Okay naman.”

“Joey, how can I be happy when every time I see you, I have to remind myself not to look at you too much because I might forget?”

Umiling ako. “Wag kang ganyan…”

“Joey, do you know how hard it is to wake up and remind myself that I’m just a friend? Every fucking day?”

Umiling ulit ako. “Psalm, alam mo naman ’yung nangyari kay—”

“I know—”

“Then why are you doing this to me?!”

“Because I’m not him, and I won’t hurt you!”

Bigla akong natigilan.

Humakbang siya.

Umatras ako.

“Baka hindi mo naman ako gusto. Baka naaawa ka lang sa ’kin kasi nakita mo ako na umiiyak dahil kay Steele.”

“Why do you keep on invalidating my feelings, Joey?”

“Kasi magugulo lang lahat!” sigaw ko sa kanya. Biglang nagsimulang tumulo lahat ng luha ko. “Kasi okay naman lahat. Ayokong magulo. Okay naman na magkaibigan tayo, kaya bakit babaguhin?”

“How about what I feel?” he asked.

I stared at him. “How about what I feel?” I asked him back. “Gusto mo ako, sige… pero paano ’yung feelings ko, Psalm? Paano kung ayoko?”

Kasi nangyari na ’to.

Ganito rin dati.

Nagpakatanga na ko dati kay Steele.

Ano’ng nangyari?

“Yung feelings mo lang ba ’yung mahalaga? Dapat ba kapag gusto mo ko, gusto rin kita? Dapat ba tayo na agad? Ganon ba ’yun?”

Sa tagal ko na nakilala si Psalm, ni isang beses hindi ko pa siya nakikita na umiiyak. Pero ngayon, kitang-kita ko kung paano nagsisimulang mamula iyong mga mata niya hanggang sa tumulo iyong luha.

He smirked, then wiped the tear. “Ang sakit mong magsalita.”

I smiled at him. “Gusto mo pa rin ba ako?”

Isang minuto. Isang minuto kaming naka-tingin sa isa’t-isa, walang sinasabi. Bawat pag-ihip ng hangin, hinihiling ko na sana tapusin niya na ’to.

“I really like you, Joey,” he began. “I don’t know when it started, but one day, I just woke up thinking about you. I start my day looking forward to see you. I do things trying to think if I’ll make you proud,” he said. Tear fell again. Mabilis niya ’yung pinunasan. “It’s the first time I felt this way, so please don’t tell me that it’s not real.”

Gusto ko siyang lapitan, at punasan iyong luha niya, pero alam ko na wala na akong karapatan.

“I’ve thought about this a million of times. If I’ll confess… because I know that there’s a possibility that you’d say no,” he said. Pinunasan niya na naman iyong luha niya. Na parang pabilis nang pabilis iyong pagbagsak.

“And you said no.”

He scoffed, and looked at the sky.

“Fuck. Ang sakit pala.”

He wiped the tears that fell.

He looked at me again. Parang may tumutusok sa dibdib ko dahil sa tingin niya.

“Well, at least I tried,” he said.

“Psalm… I’m sorry.”

Umiling siya. “You’re right. Just because I like you doesn’t mean you should like me, too.”

“Ayoko lang maulit ’yung nangyari kay Steele…”

He looked at me. “It sucks that you think I’ll treat you the way he did. After everything, Joey? Ganon ba ’yung tingin mo sa ’kin?” tanong niya. Na sa bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig niya, para akong sinasaksak.

Pero hindi na ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na sumagot dahil humakbang paatras si Psalm.

“Three months, Joey. After that, you don’t have to look at my face again, and feel sorry because you can’t like me.”

Chapter 27

#ABNQ27 Chapter 27

My eyes were swollen.

I felt like an utter mess.

I sat while I mindlessly stirred my coffee. Hindi ako pwedeng magstay sa bahay dahil magtataka sila Mama. Hindi ako pwedeng pumasok sa school na namamaga ang mga mata ko dahil masyadong maraming magiging tanong.

A few minutes later, naupo si Matt sa harap ko.

“Are you alright?” I asked because he looked as fucked up as me. Parang puyat na puyat din siya kagaya ko. I wasn’t able to talk to anyone after what happened with Psalm because… I wasn’t really in the mood. Buong weekend lang ako nagkulong sa bahay, refusing to really talk with anyone.

I felt like shit.

I felt like I deserved to hole up all by myself, and feel miserable.

“Order lang akong coffee,” he said.

I pushed my cup towards him. “Sa ’yo na lang. ’Di ko pa naiinom ’yan,” I said. I wasn’t really in the mood for coffee. I just knew I needed to stay somewhere. I skipped school because I was too much of a coward to face Psalm after everything I told him. Heck, ni hindi ko nga kayang buksan iyong phone ko dahil alam ko na makita ko pa lang iyong pangalan niya, sasama na agad iyong loob ko.

Inabot ni Matt iyong coffee, at ininom. Tahimik lang ako’ng naka-tingin sa kanya.

“Si Psalm?” I managed to ask after a while. Ito naman kasi talaga iyong dahilan kung bakit ko siya pinapunta dito.

He looked at me. “Okay naman,” he said, but he didn’t look convincing. It was like he was trying to act like everything’s fine, when it was obviously not.

I looked at him, seriously. I wanted him to tell it to me honestly. Kung kamusta na ba si Psalm. Because I’d been miserable. Alam ko siya iyong sinaktan ko dahil sa mga sinabi ko, but I was just as hurt. I didn’t want to hurt him because he’s my friend… but I felt like I needed to tell him that.

I wasn’t ready.

I am not ready.

What happened with Steele, it was traumatizing. I didn’t want to go through that again. Because what’s happening right now felt like a rehash of what happened before. Na magkaibigan kami. Na baka naman pwede.

Pero paano kapag hindi?

Paano kapag nagsawa?

Paano kapag nakahanap ng iba?

Where would that leave me?

I couldn’t go through that again.

“Matt naman,” I said. I knew he knew what’s up. Kaibigan siya ni Psalm. Alam ko na alam niya. Kaya ganoon sila nung nakaraan. I tried to ignore it. I tried to act like they’re just being their usual playful safe… but after Psalm told me everything, doon ko lang na-realize kung bakit ganoon silang lahat.

Na alam nilang lahat.

Ako lang pala ’yung hindi.

“What do you want me to say, Joey?” he asked na parang nahihirapan din siya.

“I just want to know if he’s okay.”

“Dude, you dumped the guy. Of course he’s not okay.”

I bit my lower lip. “Hindi ko naman gusto ’yung nangyari.”

Matt took another sip of the coffee. “Alam ko. Wala namang sumisisi sa ’yo.”

“Di ba siya galit sa ’kin?”

Umiling si Matt. “Hindi. Kilala mo ’yun. ’Di naman nagagalit ’yun talaga.”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsimula na namang mangilid iyong luha ko dahil sa pinag-uusapan namin. I felt like I had no rights to cry because I brought this upon myself. But every time I’d think about Psalm, about how he’d been so nice to me, and how I broke his heart… God, I was such a shitty person.

Matt placed a handkerchief in front of me. “Wag kang umiyak. ’Di galit ’yun sa ’yo.”

I looked at him. “You’re just making me feel worse,” sabi ko habang pinupunasan iyong luha ko. “Bakit ’di siya galit sa ’kin? Ang sama-sama ko sa kanya. Ang sakit nung mga sinabi ko!”

Matt sighed. “Parang ’di mo kilala ’yung tao. Nasaktan ’yun, pero ’di galit sa ’yo. Bakit magagalit e wala namang pilitan. Kahit nga nung mamatay-matay na ’yun sa selos kay Marcus, may narinig ka bang masamang salita kay Psalm? Wala, ’di ba? Kasi ’di naman hobby nun na manira ng tao.”

Sa mga sinabi niya, mas lalo lang lumakas iyong iyak ko. Wala na akong pakielam na pinagtitinginan kami, o na baka iniisip nila na pinapaiyak ako ni Matt. This just fucking sucked so bad. I felt like the own villain in my story.

“Just… give him time. Magiging okay din ’yun,” he said, offering a reassuring smile, but I was far from being reassured. For the past months, si Psalm iyong lagi kong kasama. Tapos biglang… ganito.

Why couldn’t friends just remain as friends? Bakit kailangang kumplekado?

“Will he still talk to me?” I asked, afraid of the answer that I’d get.

“I don’t know… siguro. But don’t worry, ’di ka na kukulitin nun. Alam nun ’yung salitang respeto.”

My heart sank.

And I didn’t want to know why.

Tumayo si Matt. “Babalik kang school?” I asked.

Umiling siya. “Di. Balik ako kila Steele. ’Dun kami kagabi pa.”

“Ano’ng ginagawa niyo?”

“Umiinom,” simpleng sagot niya. ’Di na ako nagtanong. Alam ko naman na kaya sila umiinom para damayan si Psalm. ’Di pa silang pumasok lahat para samahan si Psalm.

After Matt left, I just felt the hollow void inside my chest again.

---

Kitty and Anj were asking me if I knew what’s up, but I just kept silent. It seemed like the guys didn’t tell them anything. For three days, they all skipped classes—si Matt, Simon, Steele, and Psalm. I didn’t know if they’re still drinking or what. Basta ang alam ko, hindi sila pumasok.

Sinubukan ko na lunurin iyong sarili ko sa pag-aayos nung party para sa last requirement namin. I knew Kitty was being weirded out dahil ’di naman talaga ako mahilig tumulong sa mga ganito. But I was desperate that I’d do anything to keep my mind off of Psalm.

“Aba, mabuti naisipan niyong magpakita?!” Kitty shouted nung finally , after three days ay pumasok na iyong mga lalaki. A few more absences, maeexcessive na sila.

“Aray naman, Katherine,” Simon said, wincing, dahil siya iyong pinaka-malapit kay Kitty kaya siya iyong pinaka-nasigawan.

Kitty put both her hands on the sides of her waist. “Hello? Ni hindi man lang kayo sumasagot sa texts! Ano’ng nangyari sa inyo? Sabay-sabay pa talaga kayong absent.”

I thought the guys would say something, anything, but they all just shrugged. Like they didn’t want to give a hint of what was happening.

“Si Psalm?” Anj asked.

“May ginagawa lang. Sunod daw,” Steele said while he’s on his phone. “Pwede bang alis muna ko? Magagalit ba si Kitty?”

“Ha? Kaka-pasok mo lang, aalis ka na agad?” Anj asked again.

Steele nodded, his eyes still fixated on his phone. “Yeah… Hinahanap na ko ni Andrea. Three days na kong ’di nagpapakita.”

Kumunot iyong noo ni Anj. “Saan ba kasi kayo ng three days?”

Steele just shrugged. “Basta,” he said. Wala talaga silang balak sabihin. “Pagtakpan mo na lang ako kay Kitty, ha? Balik ako after three hours!” he said, then ran.

Anj looked at Steele while he’s running like a loon, her forehead creased. “Is it just me, or sobrang weird ng guys?” she mumbled to herself.

We all went to work after that. ’Di napansin ni Kitty na wala si Steele dahil busy siya sa pag-uutos sa mga tao. Si Matt at Simon naman, busy sa pag-inom ng tubig. Sobrang dehydrated yata nung dalawa na ’yun.

“Bakit wala si Psalm?” I managed to ask after my will to shut up finally faded. Matt just shrugged. “Matt naman… Nag-aalala lang ako.”

Tinignan niya ako. “Okay nga lang kasi.”

“Bakit wala siya dito? Iniiwasan ako?”

“Di ko talaga alam, promise. Papasok na talaga kami ngayon kasi balak pa naman naming grumaduate. Ewan ko biglang may nagtext tapos sabi susunod na lang daw siya.”

I sighed. “Iniiwasan niya ako, no?”

Natawa siya. “Di nga, promise. Saka ’di ka naman maiiwasan nun forever kasi blockmates tayo.”

Wow.

Blockmates.

Parang dati friends, tapos biglang blockmates na lang kaming dalawa?

“Baka dadating ’yun mamaya. O bukas. Basta makikita mo ’yun. May quiz tayo bukas, kaya sure na papasok ’yun,” he said. Kumuha pa ng isang bote ng tubig si Matt tapos babalik na ulit siya dun kay Kitty.

“Di ka ba galit sa ’kin?”

Napa-tingin siya. Biglang sumeryoso iyong mukha.

“Hindi. Buhay mo ’yan, e. Pero nasasayangan lang ako, Joey. You two could’ve been great, you know?” he said, tapping my shoulder before walking away.

---

If I wasn’t bummed out before, I was really bummed out now. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito iyong nararamdaman ko. I felt like the guys should be mad at me and take Psalm’s side, pero hindi iyon ang nangyari. They’re still treating me normally. They’re still nice. Heck, if possible, kung walang nagtatanong, wala silang sasabihin na kahit ano tungkol kay Psalm.

Ni hindi nila ako sinusumbatan sa nangyari.

And it’s making me feel so fucking worse.

Tahimik kong chine-check iyong listahan na bigay ni Kitty para sigurado na walang malilimutan. Nang matapos ako, binigay ko na sa kanya iyong checklist. It was already 5pm, and I wanted to go home already. Kitty was asking Matt kung nasaan si Psalm, and I swear isang beses na marinig ko pa ’yun, may masasakal na ako.

“Pwede na ba akong umuwi?” I asked.

Kitty got the list, and read it first. She’s a sucker for details and orientation, so I was extra-careful on making the list. Kahit pa friends kami, alam ko na papagalitan niya ako kapag nagkamali ako o may nalimutan.

“Hmm… looks good,” she said. “Uwi ka na? Dinner tayo later, hinihintay lang si Psalm.”

A part inside me constricted. “Family dinner,” I lied quickly. I didn’t want to see Psalm. I thought I was ready, but the thought of seeing him was making it hard to breath. It felt like guilt would kill me… even if I only made a choice.

She nodded. “Hmm… sayang naman. But sige, balitaan na lang kita if napilit ko iyong guys na sabihin kung ano’ng nangyari sa kanila. Also, say hi to Jax!” she said, smiling profusely.

Paglabas ko, naglakad na ako papunta sa parking. Kanina pa nandun si Manong at hinihintay ako. One hour na siyang naghihintay kasi one hour na din dapat na nagpaalam ako kay Kitty, but I didn’t. ’Di ko alam. Maybe because I was unconsciously waiting for Psalm.

Bigla akong napatigil nang makita ko siya.

Akala ko ba wala siya sa school?

“Aren’t you done yet?” Kia asked.

Psalm was typing something. “Tinatago ko ba ’yung tindor kaya ’di ka makakain nang wala ako?” he said while his eyes were still on the screen.

Kia frowned. “You’ve been really mean, Psalm Christian! Sumbong kita kay Tita, gusto mo?”

“Sure…” he trailed.

“Ugh. Just finish what you’re doing then send it to Kitty para makaalis na tayo. Bakit ’di pa kasi tayo pumunta sa audi, so that you can ask her directly what’s kulang?”

I bit my lower lip. He’s been here all this time? Hindi lang siya pumupunta sa audi dahil ayaw niya akong makita? Ito ba ’yung ibig niyang sabihin nung three months? Na three months niya akong iiwasan? Na after nito, ’di na talaga siya magpapakita sa akin kasi bakit nga naman?

Graduate na kami. Graduate na siya sa ’kin.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I fucking stood there like an idiot. I stood there and watch as Kia tried to annoy Psalm, and Psalm getting annoyed at her.

Sumisikip iyong dibdib ko.

I picked up my phone, and sent a text.

Eldest broccoli:

Can we talk?

I saw his phone lit up. He looked at it. Pabilis nang pabilis iyong tibok ng dibdib ko. Para akong tanga na naghihintay na kunin niya iyon at sagutin…

“Who was that? Is it Kitty? Can we go na?” Kia asked, yawning.

“Si Joey lang,” Psalm just said, tossing his phone inside his bag.

Chapter 28

#ABNQ28 Chapter 28

I tried to be okay with it. Kasalanan ko naman. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa sarili ko na intindihin si Psalm kung hindi niya ako pinapansin, pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko ’to tatagalan hanggang graduation. Kasi iyong ganitong ilang araw pa lang siyang nagpapanggap na ’di ako nakikita, nahihirapan na ako.

‘Ilang linggo na lang…’ I often told myself.

A few weeks from now, we’d all graduate. I hated thinking that we’d graduate with ill feelings, but what could I do? Sinubukan ko naman. I tried reaching out, pero ayaw niya. Ano’ng nakuha ko?

Si Joey lang.

Funny how I’d been reduced to that. Na ako lang naman pala ’to. Oo nga naman, bakit niya pa ako pag-aaksayahan ng oras pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa at sinabi ko sa kanya?

Maybe I really deserved this.

Fuck feelings.

“Guys, sorry talaga. Alam ko sobrang hassle ko,” Kitty said. “Treat ko na lang kayo ng dinner? Sorry talaga!” she apologized again. Kami na lang kasi iyong natitira dito sa campus dahil nag-uwian na iyong mga classmates namin. ’Di naman kami pinilit ni Kitty na magstay, but of course ’di naman namin siya kayang iwan mag-isa dito sa school. ’Di kasi talaga uuwi iyon hanggang ’di polished lahat.

“Libre mo?” Simon said.

Kitty glared at him. “Wag kang abuso!”

Simon laughed. “Ayun. Libre pala ni boss,” he said. Nag-usap na sila ni Matt kung saan masarap kumain habang si Kitty, inaayawan lahat nung suggestion nila dahil sobrang mahal.

Naiwan kami ni Anj, Steele, and Psalm.

Fuck.

Bakit ba laging kaming apat?!

“Just tell Kitty una na ko,” Psalm said, standing up.

“Di ka sasama?” Steele asked.

Umiling si Psalm. “Nah. I… have something to do,” he said, obviously full of lies. Alam ko na dahil naman sa akin kaya ’di siya sasama. Kasi ayaw niya akong makita. Kasi ayaw niya akong makasama.

Kasi si Joey lang naman ako.

Anj looked at me and Psalm. Pabalik-balik. Walang may alam sa mga babae sa nangyari, pero hindi rin naman sila tanga. Hindi naman sila tanga para hindi mapansin na ni hindi kami nag-uusap ni Psalm. Na laging may nakapagitna na Simon at Matt sa aming dalawa.

I didn’t know if they were protecting me from Psalm, or if they’re protecting Psalm from me.

Either way, we just couldn’t be alone together.

I picked my bag up. “Ako na lang ’yung uuwi,” mabilis na sabi ko. Napa-tingin silang tatlo sa akin. I smiled, though it fucking sucked to not be able to have dinner together.

Hindi na talaga kagaya ng dati.

“Nagtext si Jax. Nandyan lang naman siya sa BGC,” pagpapatuloy ko pa bago sila umangal. Mabuti na lang at busy si Kitty kay Simon at Matt kaya hindi niya napansin na umalis ako. Hindi ko na rin hinayaan pa sila Anj na makapagsalita dahil ayoko ng makarinig ng kahit na ano pa.

Psalm just couldn’t stand to be around me anymore.

It sucked, but this was my reality now.

Somehow, I asked for this.

Pagdating ko sa labas, tatawagan ko pa lang si Jax nung marinig ko na tinatawag ni Psalm iyong pangalan ko. Agad kong binaba iyong phone ko nang tumayo siya sa harap ko.

“Joey.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko ngayon na nandito siya sa harap ko. Para kasing ang tagal na nung huli naming pag-uusap. Para kasing muntik na akong mawalan ng pag-asa dahil ilang beses niya akong hindi kinausap kahit ano’ng subok ko.

Pero ngayon, nandito na siya sa harap ko.

Wala naman akong masabi.

“Kitty’s looking for you.”

I bit my lower lip, and took a deep breath before starting. I lightly pinched hand to calm myself down. “I’ll just text her,” simpleng sabi ko. Siguro kasi kahit masama ang loob ko sa kanya, wala na akong lakas magalit.

Pagod na lang talaga ako.

He stared at me.

I didn’t stare back.

I fucking felt guilty even though I just made a choice.

And it wasn’t him. I chose myself.

I didn’t want to be with someone when I know myself that I wasn’t whole. That I was scared. That I still had reservations. Kasi ang unfair sa kanya. Na ako mismo, hindi pa ganoong kabuo kaya ano’ng mabibigay ko sa kanya?

And Psalm didn’t deserve some half-assed love. The kind of love I got from Steele. He didn’t deserve that kind of shit. The kind of love that would break you in the end.

“You go with them. Ako na lang ’yung uuwi ngayon,” simpleng sabi ko.

“Is this it? We’re just gonna alternately make excuses to avoid being together?” he asked like it wasn’t what he was doing for the past few days.

Umawang iyong labi ko. “Hindi ba ito naman ’yung ginagawa mo? Iniiwasan ako?”

Hindi agad siya naka-sagot. Kasi alam niya na tama ako. Akala ba niya hindi ko nakikita na kapag paparating ako, aalis na siya? Na kapag tatanungin siya tungkol sa akin, mabilis na nakaalalay sa kanya sila Steele para ibahin ang usapan?

Akala ba niya ’di ’yun masakit sa ’kin?

We stood in front of each other, looking at each one’s eyes as sad thoughts washed over our minds.

“We can’t be like this, Joey,” he said.

“What? Friends?”

“This. You leaving when I’m there. Me leaving when you’re there. It’s exhausting.”

I pursed my lips together. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Kasi siya lang naman iyong sinusunod ko. Kung ano iyong gusto niyang mangyari, doon ako nag-aadjust. Kasi ako iyong nanakit. Kasi siya iyong nasaktan.

“Do you want me gone in your life?”

Bawat segundo na hindi siya sumasagot, palakas nang palakas iyong tibok ng dibdib ko. I knew I shouldn’t have asked the question. Kasi paano kapag sinabi niyang oo? Na ayaw niya na ako sa buhay niya? Ano’ng gagawin ko?

“I… I don’t know,” he answered like he’s in pain. I was in pain. Hindi niya alam kung gusto niya pa ako sa buhay niya. Ganoon na yata talaga ako ka-disposable. Kasi si Joey lang naman ako.

I nodded and smiled, trying to mask the pain he just caused me.

“Message received, Psalm. Don’t worry, sabi mo nga, hanggang graduation na lang.”

Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. Mabilis akong naglakad palayo sa kanya. Naiinis ako kasi sobra akong nasasaktan sa ginawa niya kahit gusto kong intindihin kung bakit siya nagkakaganito. It was my fault, alam ko. Sinimulan ko ’to kung bakit kami ganito, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling like this. Kasi kahit naman ganito, mahalaga siya sa ’kin.

And I’d never ask him to leave my life the way he just did.

Because he was far more important that any pain he’d ever cause me.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano na kalayo iyong nalakad ko nang marinig ko na tinatawag niya iyong pangalan ko. Mas binilisan ko iyong paglalakad, pero naabutan niya pa rin ako.

“Joey, please,” he said. “I didn’t meant it like that.”

Nanatili akong tahimik. One word could break my silence. The silence that was masking the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Of course I want you in my life. I’d always want you in my life,” he said while I was still trying to run from him because I was afraid that he’d say something that would break me again.

Kasi kaya niya.

Kasi ilang salita lang mula sa kanya, kaya niya akong saktan.

“But it’s hard to see you, Joey. You’re someone I want, but can’t have.”

Bigla akong natigilan.

“You told me you didn’t want me. I’m trying my best to understand, to respect your decision… You don’t know how hard I’d been begging myself not to ask you to at least give me a chance. Kasi pakiramdam ko madali naman akong mahalin.”

A tear fell from my eye.

“I hate being pathetic. I hate being like this. You’re making me pathetic, Joey. You’re making me want to beg just to be loved.”

Another fell.

Sumisikip lalo iyong dibdib ko.

“I don’t want to be like this. I’ll fix myself, I promise. This is my problem, not yours. Don’t distance yourself from our friends because of me.”

Gusto kong humarap. Gusto kong tignan siya, pero natatakot ako dahil makikita niya kung gaano kabilis iyong pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata ko. Kung gaano ako nasasaktan sa bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig niya.

“I’ll be okay. We’ll be fine. But for now, let’s pretend that we’re fine.”

Narinig ko iyong paghakbang niya paatras mula sa akin.

“Can I ask for a favor, Joey?”

Tumango ako kasabay ng pagtulo ng luha ko.

“Don’t smile at my way. Don’t ask me if I’m fine. Don’t text me. Don’t call me,” he said. “Don’t make me fall harder.”

Pinikit ko iyong mata ko.

“At least not for now. It still hurt, you know? I still think about the possibilities even if I know that I’m just hurting myself. I never had a girlfriend. Akala ko ikaw na. I thought of all the ways to spoil you, to surprise you. I was planning on being the best boyfriend there ever was because you deserve the best, you know? But it all went down the drain,” he said. “I don’t know why I’m even saying this. Maybe I need to say this just to get it out of my chest,” he continued.

“This is the last time I’ll talk about this. I’ll become your friend like you wanted to. When I’m okay, I’ll be your friend again.”

Napapikit ako.

Napa-hawak sa dibdib ko.

“But for now, let’s pretend everything’s fine.”

Chapter 29

#ABNQ29 Chapter 29

Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong mas ayos. Iyong iniiwasan niya ako, o ngayon na nginingitian niya na ako pero alam ko na mali. Na hindi niya dapat ako ngitian kung nasasaktan siya.

“Hi,” Psalm greeted.

“Hello,” I replied. I didn’t smile. I didn’t let my stare linger. Kasi iyon iyong hiling niya sa akin. Na hangga’t maaari, ’wag akong titingin. ’Wag akong ngingiti.

Kahit masakit, sige. Gusto ko lang naman siyang maging okay.

He nodded his head, then headed at the other side. Iyong pinaka-malayo sa akin.

“Buti naman okay na,” Kitty suddenly mentioned. We were down to the final touches for the party on the weekend. After nun, makaka-hinga na kami nang maluwag dahil iyon lang naman talaga iyong demanding na subject namin. Iyong iba, final exams na lang.

Tapos… graduate na.

Hindi ako nagsalita dahil chine-check ko iyong final list. Ipapasa na ’to mamaya for the approval kasi school pa rin naman iyong gagastos para dito. Subject to reimbursement naman lahat ng nilalabas namin para sa party na ’to.

“Akala ko kasi galit kayo ni Psalm kasi ’di kayo nag-uusap for a few days, e. Always ko naman nalilimutan itanong kasi busy. Good to know that you guys are talking again,” she said, smiling. Then she frowned again. Narinig ko pa lang iyong boses, alam ko na kung bakit nag-iba agad iyong mood ni Kitty. “Ugh! Lagi talaga ’yang nandito! Wala bang friends ’yan sa lower batch?!”

Napa-tingin ako sa pinto kahit ayoko. Nakita ko si Psalm na papasok kasama si Kia at si Simon. Lumabas lang iyong dalawa kanina para bumili ng pagkain kasi nagugutom na si Kitty. Pagbalik, may bitbit na naman na Kia.

“Behave,” I told Kitty dahil sigurado ako babarahin na naman niya si Kia—reason kung bakit ilang araw din namin ’di nakita si Kia dahil na-offend yata talaga one time ni Kitty.

She scoffed. “Ako pa talaga mag-a-adjust?”

Paglapit nila Psalm, nilagay nila sa table iyong paper bags na dala nila. Tahimik lang ako habang nag-uusap sila. Not that I was in a bad mood, but kahit sinabi na sa akin ni Psalm na magpanggap muna kami na okay, I still didn’t know how to do that. My silence was the best thing I could offer—next to my feet not running to the opposite direction at the mere sight of him.

“Wala ba kayong pasok?” naka-taas iyong kilay na tanong ni Kitty kay Kia. Regular classes pa rin kasi si Kia since lower year siya. Kaming seniors lang iyong medyo irregular na iyong sched dahil graduating na. Medyo lenient na sa amin.

Kia timidly shook her head. Ni hindi maka-tingin sa mata ni Kitty.

“Sungit nito,” Simon said, pushing a container of food in front of Kitty. “Kain mo na lang ’yan, Katherine.”

Kitty glared at Simon, but nonetheless began eating. Nang ibigay iyong pagkain sa akin, tahimik pa rin ako. Nakikinig lang ako sa mga usapan nila. They were talking about where we’d go after graduation. Hindi kasi kami makaalis ngayon kasi bukod sa busy, based din sa pamahiin, delikado magtravel iyong mga graduating.

“La Union? Surfing tayo!”

My friends agreed in unison. Ako, tahimik lang talaga. Sasama naman ako kahit saan sila pumunta kasi company lang naman nila ’yung mahalaga sa ’kin. They’re now assigning kung sino ang in-charge sa kung saan.

“If you’ll go sa La Union, we have a house there,” Kia said. Napa-tingin kami lahat sa kanya. Mula sa side ko, kitang-kita ko agad iyong pagsama ng tingin ni Kitty. “I mean, you can use it. ’Di naman ako sasama…”

Hindi ko alam pero biglang sumama iyong loob ko para sa kanya. Parang ramdam na ramdam niya iyong pagiging unwanted lalo na from Kitty’s end. Hindi ko rin naman alam bakit pa siya sumasama sa ’min e alam niya naman na sinusungitan lang siya lagi ni Kitty.

“Yun. Tipid na pala agad tayo sa lodging. Thanks, Kia!” Matt said, grinning.

After kong kumain, tumayo muna ako. Soft drinks kasi iyong kasama nung dala nilang food kaya lalabas sana muna ako para bumili ng tubig. Paglabas ko, ramdam ko agad na naka-sunod sa ’kin si Matt.

“Buntot na ba kita ngayon?” tanong ko dahil pansin ko na lagi niya akong sinusundan nitong mga nakaraang araw.

He laughed. “Di. Nagkakataon lang, promise.”

I just nodded, though hindi ako convinced sa dahilan niya na nagkataon lang. I mean, once or twice, sure pwede na coincidence pa. Pero ito na tuwing lalabas ako naka-sunod siya? Tanga na lang maniniwala na coincidence ’yun.

“Okay na kayo?”

“Ewan,” sagot ko kahit wala naman siyang directly na tinanong.

“Ahh…”

“Okay naman siya?” I asked.

Ayoko nung ganito. Iyon bang alam niyo naman pinag-uusapan niyo, pero ’di niyo mabanggit nang buo kasi alam niyo na sensitive? Na may mga taong involved na nasasaktan kahit ’di naman dapat.

“Okay naman,” he replied. “Nakaka-tulong din na laging naka-aligid si Kia sa kanya.”

I pursed my lips as I nodded my head. “Ah…” sabi ko na lang kasi ’di ko feel na makipag-usap tungkol dito. Kasi buhay naman ni Psalm ’to. Ano naman kung may Kia siya, ’di ba?

I already rejected him.

Wala na dapat akong pakielam kung sino man ang gusto niyang i-pursue sa susunod.

Sarado na iyong cafeteria dahil medyo late na rin. No choice tuloy kami ni Matt kung hindi ang maglakad palabas papunta sa convenient store para lang maghanap ng tubig.

“Layo ng nilakad natin,” I said. “Bili na rin tayong ice cream,” I continued. Since feeling ko medyo gagabihin pa rin kami since wala pang balak umuwi si Kitty, magde-dessert na lang din kami.

Lumapit ako ’dun sa freezer tapos kumuha ng drumsticks.

“Eight kunin mo, ha?”

Napa-tingin agad ako sa kanya. “Malamang,” sabi ko. “Ano ba akala mo?”

Napa-kamot sa ulo si Matt. “Wala…” sabi niya pero tinignan ko lang siya nang masama. He sighed. “Si Kitty kasi… Minsan kasi sobra na siya kay Kia. Kawawa naman.”

I didn’t make a comment. ’Di ko kasi alam paano magsasalita na walang ma-o-offend. Hirap pa naman sa panahon ngayon kahit ano yatang sabihin mo meron talagang ma-o-offend. Kaya mas maganda wala ka na lang sabihin minsan, e.

“Di naman sasama sa ’tin ’yun kung may choice siya, e,” pagpapaliwanag ni Matt habang kumukuha ako ng drumsticks dahil magkakaibang flavor iyong gusto nila. Vanilla kay Kitty, Anj at Steele. Chocolate kay Matt at Simon. Rocky road sa akin at kay Psalm. ’Di ko alam kay Kia, pero vanilla na lang para safe.

Hindi ako nagsasalita kasi una, ’di naman ako interesado kay Kia talaga. I had far more important things going on in my life kaysa maki-chismis sa kanya. Malapit na iyong NMAT exam ko, and I was still yet confident that I’d ace it. But I was working on it. Every night I’d sneak in Papa’s study room tapos magbabasa ako ng Science books.

I was also trying not to think any ill thoughts about her. Hate is such a heavy feeling. Wala akong energy for that.

“Okay lang naman,” sabi ko na lang.

“Si Kitty kasi—”

“I’ll talk to her, okay? But also don’t expect too much, Matt. ’Di mo rin siya masisisi kasi sumulpot lang naman talaga si Kia,” sabi ko sa medyo seryosong tono. I understood na he’s protecting Kia kasi nga laging inaapi ni Kitty. But he knows Kitty. ’Di naman masamang tao ’yun, medyo nagseselos lang kasi feeling naaagawan. Normal lang naman ’yun. Kahit sabihin pa na sobrang irrational, ’di mapigilan, e.

Dumiretso na ako sa counter, at saka nagbayad. Kinuha ni Matt iyong plastic tapos siya nagbitbit habang pabalik kami sa school. Sinimulan ko nang kainin iyong drumstick ko habang naglalakad kami.

“Alam mo ba kung bakit sumasama sa ’tin ’yun?” he asked.

“Not really interested,” I politely said.

“Tss. Kwento ko sa ’yo.”

“Kahit ’wag na.”

“Para malaman mo lang. Minsan kasi madaling magjudge kasi ’di mo rin alam kung ano kwento, e.”

Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. ’Di ko rin alam. Maybe I was purposely avoiding it kasi ayokong malaman? Because I didn’t want to feel pity for her? I knew it was so irrational of me pero if she’s the girl Psalm will fall for after me, ayoko lang malaman pa kung ano’ng klaseng tao siya.

I just didn’t want to do anything with her.

“Lumipat sa school natin ’yun kasi binubully siya—”

“Seriously? Naniwala ka naman?” I cut him off.

“Seryoso kasi,” Matt said. “Mukha lang suplada ’yun kasi singkit, pero walang kaibigan sa dating school niya ’yun. Natipuhan kasi nung president ng frat kaya ayun, binubully nung partner na sorrority kasi mang-aagaw daw. Binuhusan kaya ng ihi ’yun tapos isang beses kinulong sa CR.”

Nanlaki iyong mata ko sa mga kwento ni Matt. Seryoso bang nangyayari pa ’yun? Akala ko sa movies lang, e!

“Nung nalaman nung parents, nilipat agad dito. Kaya nga kalagitnaan ng sem ang paglipat, e,” he continued. “Kay Psalm din lumalapit ’yun kasi yun lang naman kakilala nun sa school. Pati ilag sa mga babae ’yun kasi nga na-bully. Tapos dumadagdag pa si Kitty. Baka ma-trauma na talaga sa mga babae ’yun.”

Nanatili akong tahimik hanggang sa makabalik na kami.

“Not forcing you to be friends with her, okay? Sa ’kin lang, at least don’t give her a hard time,” Matt said, tousling my hair as he opened the door for me.

Tulala lang ako pagpasok. Ang una ko agad na nakita ay si Kia na kinukulit si Psalm. Hindi ko alam pero iba iyong dating sa akin. Hindi ko mapaliwanag, pero ang alam ko, natulala na lang ako sa kanilang dalawa.

Matt probably saw me staring at them, so he gave me a little push. Sabay kaming naglakad. Binigay ko sa kanila iyong drumstick. Kia was looking at her phone, probably thinking na wala akong ibibigay sa kanya. Ganto kasi iyong ginawa ni Kitty before. Umorder tapos si Kia lang iyong wala.

Fuck.

Sobrang nakaka-guilty bigla.

Tama nga sila. Everyone’s fighting their own battle, so we have to be kind. Or at least understand.

Psalm nudged Kia. She looked at him. “What?” she asked. Psalm didn’t say a word, but he offered her his drumstick. Kia shook her head. “Diet ako.”

Psalm scoffed. “Since when?” he asked, then began peeling the wrapper, and handing it to her. Kia bit her lower lip, then subtly looked at me kasi ako iyong bumili. Halata sa kanya na ayaw niyang kunin.

Takot ba talaga siya sa ’min?

Were we so selfish that we neglected to see the other side?

I gave a small smile, and nodded. Nagulat siya.

Kia got the drumstick from Psalm. Naupo ako sa isang gilid. Pinanood ko sila na mag-usap. May sinasabi si Psalm na biglang sumimangot si Kia. Tapos si Kia naman iyong sinasabi tapos tumawa si Psalm.

Napa-hawak ako sa dibdib ko.

“Uhm… Pinapauwi na ako ni Dad,” she said with a small smile, then tumingin sa akin. “Thank you sa ice cream, Joey,” she continued with her small voice.

She waved at us. Nagulat kami nung tumayo rin si Psalm.

“San ka?” Simon asked.

“Mom texted. Abuelo stuff,” he said.

Tumango na lang kami. Naglakad agad siya palabas. A little after, nagvolunteer ako na magtapon nung pinagkainan namin ng ice cream. Naghananap ako ng trashcan na pagtatapunan nung makita ko si Psalm sa isang gilid.

Si Psalm at si Kia.

I was far from them. ’Di ko alam kung ano iyong pinag-uusapan nila. ’Di ko makita kung ano iyong ekspresyon sa mukha nila. Pero ang alam ko lang, sumikip iyong dibdib ko nung makita kong niyakap ni Psalm si Kia.

Chapter 30

#ABNQ30 Chapter 30

I didn’t let it bother me. I didn’t want for it to bother me. I kept on reasoning with myself that it’s okay if Psalm’s growing closer with Kia… nothing’s wrong with it.

At saka wala naman akong karapatan na mainis.

Pero bakit ganito iyong nararamdaman ko?

I was so pissed at myself that I even made up some story para lang hindi ako pumasok sa school. Every day was torture. Iyong nakikita ko silang magkasama. Iyong nakikita ko silang nag-uusap. Iyong nakikita ko silang nagtatawanan.

I even hate it when Psalm’s frowning whenever Kia’s telling some lame joke.

Hindi ko na talaga maintindihan iyong sarili ko.

“Thought you’re going somewhere else?” Jax asked. I sighed. I lay down on the couch, and closed my eyes. I should be all right because everything’s happening according to how I wanted things to happen… I asked for this. I begged him for this.

But why did it feel like there’s a hollow part inside my chest?

“Are you alright?” he asked when I didn’t answer. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Kahit ano’ng pigil ko sa sarili ko, iyon lang ang naiisip ko. Palagi ko silang nakikitang dalawa kapag naka-pikit ako.

“Is it easy to move on?”

Napa-tigil siya sa binabasa niya. “You’re so random,” he commented. I pulled another pillow, and hugged it tighter. I felt like I needed to comfort myself when it reality, everything’s fine.

It should be fine.

This was how I wanted things.

“How do you know if you have already moved on?”

Paano kung naka-move on na si Psalm? Okay lang naman dapat sa ’kin… I rejected him. I asked him to remain as a friend. If he’s happy with someone else, I should be happy for him.

I knew I should be, but why was I feeling differently?

“Madali bang mahulog sa iba kapag sinaktan ka nung una?” patuloy na tanong ko kahit alam ko na wala namang sasagot sa tanong ko. Kasi wala naman akong masabihan. Hindi ko masabi kila Matt dahil alam ko na sila iyong nakakita kay Psalm nung sinaktan ko siya. Hindi ko masabi kila Kitty kasi bakit ako ganito?

Why was I contradicting myself when this was exactly what I asked for?

“Oo naman. Kasi bakit ka magpapakatanga sa taong sinaktan ka?”

Napaawang iyong labi ko dahil sa narinig ko.

“Maligo ka na nga. Gala tayo. Nakaka-bagot ’yang mukha mo,” narinig kong sabi ni Jax bago niya ako iwan sa sala.

Ilang segundo akong naka-pikit. Paulit-ulit ko na naririnig sa utak ko. Kasi bakit ka nga ba magpapakatanga sa taong sinaktan ka? Kung meron naman na papasayahin ka? Na hindi ka sasaktan?

“Ang tanga lang, Joey,” paulit-ulit na bulong ko sa sarili ko. Paulit-ulit na pinapaalala na hindi dapat ako ganito. Na mali itong nararamdaman ko.

Na dapat, bilang kaibigan ni Psalm, masaya ako para sa kanya.

Na kung may iba na siya, dapat masaya ako.

Kasi ito naman ’yung gusto ko. Na maging magkaibigan lang kami.

---

I knew Jax was trying his best to cheer me up. Binilhan niya pa nga ako ng frozen yoghurt. Tinatanong niya kung gusto kong manood ng movie, pero wala akong gana. But even then, he didn’t force me to speak.

“Wala ka bang pasok?” I asked while we were sitting on a bench inside the mall. Ako kasi, umabsent. I didn’t think I had the heart to go to school again.

To hear them talking

To see them laughing.

Iyong mga bagay na hiniling sa akin ni Psalm na ’wag ko nang gawin. Iyong mga bagay na iba na iyong kasama niya.

“I’ll ditch,” he said.

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “Hala. Pumasok ka na. Ayos lang ako dito.”

“Okay lang, wala pa naman akong absent,” he said, shrugging. Jax didn’t even bring any codals with him, to think that that’s the staple inside his bag. His sole attention was on me alone. Sobrang lungkot ko ba sa paningin niya?

“Baka matawag ka sa recit niyo,” I said. I really didn’t want him ditching school just to accompany me. I was a big girl; I could handle a little sadness like this.

“Ayos lang,” he said.

“Ayaw mo ng 60 na grade, ’di ba? Sabi mo mahirap hatakin.”

“It’s always family over acads, Joey,” he simply said. Bigla kong nakagat iyong ibabang labi ko. Naramdaman ko na nangilid iyong luha ko dahil sa sinabi niya. “Ano bang gusto mong gawin? Nagtext na ako kay Mama. Nagpa-reserve na ko sa favorite resto mo. Dinner tayo mamaya.”

Gusto kong yakapin si Jax, pero pigilan ko iyong sarili ko. Instead, I bumped my shoulders with his. He, then, tousled my hair.

Tipid akong napa-ngiti dahil sa sinabi niya. Umalis sandali si Jax para pumunta sa CR na nasa kabilang dulo pa ng mall. Tahimik akong naiwan habang pinapanood iyong mga taong dumadaan. Iyong iba na may mga kasama habang naka-holding hands pa.

Ang swerte nung mga tao na unang subok pa lang, nakita na nila iyong para sa kanila. Kasi ang hirap nung naka-ilang ulit ka na. Na ilang beses ka ng nasaktan. Kasi kapag dumating na talaga iyong para sa ’yo, sobrang durog ka na.

Biglang sumikip iyong dibdib ko nang makita ko sila. Sila na naman.

I didn’t know why I kept my eyes on them, when I knew that it wasn’t good for me. That I was just only hurting myself by watching them.

Them.

Meron na palang sila.

Para lang talaga akong tanga.

Tumayo ako. Sinundan ko sila. ’Di ko alam kung bakit ko ’to ginagawa sa sarili ko kahit alam ko naman na walang mabuting madudulot sa akin iyong panonood sa kanilang dalawa. I knew I should keep my distance, but I couldn’t stop myself. My feet kept on following them until they stopped in front of a boutique.

I was only a few steps away.

Kung lilingon si Psalm, makikita niya ako.

Pero hindi siya lumingon.

He didn’t even look around. He was only looking at her. The way he used to do with me. Na kagaya nung dati na nasa akin lang iyong mata at atensyon niya. Na ngayon, nasa iba na.

Huminga ako nang malalim, at saka pinilit iyong sarili ko na ’wag umiyak. Kasi hindi ko alam kung bakit. Kasi ayokong malaman kung bakit. Kasi natatakot akong malaman kung bakit.

“Please? Ano’ng color ba ng suit mo?” Kia asked.

“I don’t know,” Psalm said. He was carrying all these paper bags for Kia. Sumikip iyong dibdib ko. Nanuyo iyong lalamunan ko. Kami dapat iyong magkasama. Sinabi niya sa akin na kami iyong magka-partner sa ball. Na dapat sabay kaming bibili ng susuotin kasi dapat terno kami.

Napalitan na agad ako.

“Wala ka pa bang isusuot? Bili ka na lang ngayon,” Kia said. She touched Psalm’s arm, and it was like a punch in the gut. I hated how I was feeling, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go. To run far from here. To save myself from further hurting.

“Just get whatever you want to wear, okay?”

“Paano pag pink ’yung gusto ko?”

He nodded. “Then I’ll get a pink bowtie.”

Kia grinned. “You’ll do that for me?”

“Anything to shut you up.”

Kia laughed. “Right.”

Sabay silang pumasok sa loob.

Kasabay ng pagtulo ng luha ko.

---

I ended up watching a movie alone. I just needed a place where I could cry with no one seeing me. Where no one would question me if I go out with my eyes swollen.

I made a stupid excuse to get out of the dinner. Ayoko na makita ako nila Mama na ganito. Na umiiyak. Na nagpapaka-tanga. Na nagsisisi dahil ang tanga ko.

Bakit kasi ganon? Na kapag nasa iba na at saka mo mare-realize na gusto mo rin pala? Na kapag nakita mong masaya na siya sa iba, at saka mo maiisip na sana ikaw na lang ulit. Na sana kayo na lang.

Gusto ko siyang habulin.

Gusto kong sabihin na nagbago na iyong isip ko.

Pero hindi ko magawa… kasi paano kung masaya na siya? Magiging selfish ba ako kahit na ang sama ko kasi sinaktan ko na siya? Na sarili ko lang ’yung iniisip ko? Na kasi ayoko siyang makita na may kasamang iba? Na gusto ko sa ’kin lang siya?

Para kasing tanga.

Alam ko sa sarili ko na ayoko pa. Na hindi pa ko handa. Pero alam ko rin sa sarili ko na ayoko siyang nakikita na may kasamang iba. Na ginagawa iyong dati sa ’kin niya lang ginagawa.

Kasi paano kapag mas lumalim?

Paano kapag nakalimutan na talaga ako?

Ang daming paano.

Nagulat ako nung paglabas ko, nakita ko si Jax na naghihintay sa akin. Agad niya akong inabutan ng isang roll ng tissue at sunglass. No words came out of his mouth, but his presence was already calming enough.

“Paano mo nalaman na nandito ako?” I asked as I wore the sunglass he gave me. May nakita pa akong pricetag.

“Sinundan kita habang sinusundan mo si Psalm,” he said.

I bit my lower lip. I didn’t want to cry again. Pagod na ako.

“Gusto mo ba?” he asked.

I nodded, a tear falling from my eye. “Yata. Hindi ko alam. Pero ayoko na nakikita siya na may kasamang iba, Jax… Ang sikip dito,” sabi ko sabay hampas sa dibdib ko.

He sighed. “Sinabi mo ba?”

Umiling ako. “Natatakot ako.” Natatakot ako na paano kung ako naman iyong ayawan niya? Kaya ko ba? Kaya ko bang pagdaanan iyong ginawa ko sa kanya?

I was scared of my own doing.

I was being haunted by my own ghost.

“Dalawa lang ’yan, Joey. Either you tell him and face the consequences, or keep it to yourself and die a little every time you see him. You decide.”

---

Kakausapin ko si Psalm. Sasabihin ko sa kanya iyong nararamdaman ko. Ipapaliwanag ko sa kanya kasi kahit ako ’di ko maintindihan kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.

Maaga akong nag-ayos para maka-punta agad ako. Para makausap ko agad siya. Kasi ayoko na na ganito. Parang laging may sumasakal sa dibdib ko tuwing nakikita ko sila, tuwing naiisip ko sila.

I was wearing a black dress, and kept my hair down. I wore a simple necklace and earring. I just wanted to see Psalm. To talk to him. To tell him about how I feel—no matter how complicated my feelings were.

Pagdating ko, agad kong nakita sila Kitty. She was fuming red.

“Ano’ng meron?” I asked. I looked around, but Psalm was nowhere to be found. Wala rin si Kia.

“Long story short, nag-away na naman si Kitty at Kia,” Matt said, scratching the back of his head.

I nodded, though my mind really couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. My eyes kept on roaming around, but I really couldn’t see Psalm. Mabilis akong nagpaalam kay Matt. Naglibot ako para hanapin sila, pero wala sila dito sa loob ng ballroom.

I wanted to call him, but I knew that he wouldn’t answer my call. It’s not like I didn’t try before. I tried calling him, and saw with my own eyes how he waited until the call gets dropped.

It felt like I was dropped, too.

Ganoon pala iyong pakiramdam na wala na siyang pakielam sa ’yo. Na hindi na kagaya ng dati na makita pa lang niya iyong pangalan mo, nagmamadali na siyang sagutin iyong tawag o iyong text mo. Na ngayon, hinihintay niya na lang na matapos iyong tawag.

Ganoon na.

Patuloy ako sa paghahanap sa kanya hanggang sa makita ko siya. Isang tingin pa lang, alam na alam ko na na siya ’yun. Sumikip iyong dibdib ko kasi ganoon ko na siya kakilala. Na ganoon na siya kalapit, pero pinakawalan ko pa.

I walked towards them.

My heart was beating furiously with every step.

“Let’s get back in,” I heard him say. “Your dad will look for you.”

“Ayoko. Galit sa ’kin si Kitty. Ano bang ginawa ko sa kanya, bakit ganon siya sa ’kin?”

His eyes softened.

It hardened the pain inside my chest.

“She’s… she’s just like that. Let’s go back, okay?”

“Ayoko. Bumalik ka na sa loob. Dito na lang ako. Sasabihin niya na naman na bakit ako nandito e hindi naman ako senior. Hindi ko naman pinilit, pinapunta ako ni Papa—”

“I know,” Psalm said. “I’ll talk to her, okay? Let’s not spoil the night.”

Kia looked at him. I hated how she looked at him.

“Why does she hate me? Why does everyone hate me?” she asked, tears brimming in her eyes. “I just want to be friends with them. Bakit ayaw nila sa ’kin, Psalm? Am I that much of a bitch na ayaw sa ’kin ng mga babae?”

“You’re not a bitch—”

“Can I like you, Psalm? She doesn’t like you, right? Can I like you instead?”

Bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko.

Alam ko na dapat na akong umalis kasi masasaktan lang ako sa kung anuman ang maririnig ko.

Pero ako na tanga, nanatili.

Ako na tanga, naghintay.

Naghintay ako sa isasagot niya kasi ayoko na umalis na iniisip kung ano iyong sinagot niya. Gusto kong marinig mismo sa sarili ko kung ano iyong mangyayari. Kung saan ko ilulugar iyong sarili ko.

He didn’t give an answer. He just patted the top of his head, as she smiled at him.

And fuck if it didn’t hurt more.

Mabilis akong tumalikod. Naglakad ako papalayo sa kanila. Alam ko dapat ko siyang kausapin, pero paano ko gagawin ’yun pagkatapos ng nangyari? It felt like he already gave me up. Like he’s already contented with someone else.

Ganoon ba ako kasama para ipilit iyong sarili ko?

Na pagkatapos ko siyang itulak, hahatakin ko siya pabalik?

Halos hindi ko makita iyong dinadaanan ko sa pagtulo ng luha galing sa mga mata ko. Ang alam ko lang, dapat akong lumayo. Ayoko na makita nila akong umiiyak.

Ayoko na makita niya akong nasasaktan dahil sa sarili kong kagagawan.

I fucking asked for this!

It was my choice to be friends, so why the fuck was I crying because finally, we just friends again?!

Napa-hinto ako dahil hindi na halos ako maka-hinga. Parang sirang plaka na paulit-ulit sa isip ko iyong mga nakita ko kanina. Na magkausap sila. Na magkasama.

Sila.

Silang dalawa na naman.

Mabilis kong kinuha iyong cellphone ko. I needed to call someone to take me away from here. I didn’t think I could last through the night. I didn’t think I could stand seeing them together right now.

I felt so selfish for wanting him with me.

I shouldn’t be like this.

He respected my decision when I told him I didn’t want to be with him. Dapat ganoon din ako. Dapat kung saan siya masaya, doon ako.

Dapat.

Puro dapat.

Kahit ang sakit-sakit, dapat hindi ako ganito. I should be stronger than the pain he was making me feel. I shouldn’t hurt so badly like this.

I tried calling Jax, but he wasn’t answering. My eyes felt tired from all the crying. I couldn’t breathe from all the crying. I was so tired. I was so hurt. I didn’t know what to do anymore.

And then my phone vibrated.

Marcus Isaiah Nicolas: Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything!

Me: I need to talk to someone. Can you come pick me up?

I was just desperate. I needed someone with me. Pakiramdam ko mababaliw na ako sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Napaupo ako sa isang gilid. Pilit kong kinakalma iyong sarili ko, pero sa tuwing ipipikit ko iyong mga mata ko, nakikita ko sila. Para akong tina-traydor ng sarili kong isip dahil kahit nasasaktan na ako, sila pa rin iyong naiisip ko. Kung paano sila mag-usap, kung paano sila tumawa. Kung paano na okay na siya kahit wala ako.

Ang bilis kong palitan.

Tangina, ang sakit talaga.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nakaupo. Yakap ko na iyong mga binti ko, patuloy lang sa paglabas iyong mga luha. Patuloy lang sa pagta-traydor ang isip.

Bigla akong napatigil nang may maramdaman ako na lalaki na naka-tayo sa harapan ko. I looked up, and saw him. He was wearing a white shirt, and jeans. There was a black stud in his ear.

“What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?” he asked after he crouched down, now looking straight into my eyes. “HeHe,” he continued, then smiled a little.

Chapter 31

#ABNQ31 Chapter 31

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Mas lalo lang lumakas ang iyak ko dahil sa sinabi niya. He began to panic when my cries got louder. Halos hindi ako maka-hinga dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak ko.

“S-sorry,” I said in between my sobs. I just couldn’t control the tears that kept on flowing from my eyes. My heart was hurting so bad. My chest was tightening from the pain.

I was trying to get a clearer look of him, but my eyes were swimming in my tears that I couldn’t clearly see his face. Ang alam ko lang, tinaas niya iyong damit niya.

“Ano’ng ginagawa mo?”

Napakamot siya sa batok. “Wala akong dalang panyo. Punas mo na lang ’tong t-shirt ko,” sabi niya sabay lapit sa akin nung damit niya.

I laughed at the absurdity of his suggestion. Patuloy pa rin sa pagtulo iyong luha ko, pero nagawa kong matawa sa sinabi niya.

“Sorry, di ko naman alam na umiiyak ka,” he said, still looking problematic. Tumayo siya bigla.

I looked up. “Iiwan mo ako?” I asked, sounding like a little kid. Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi niya dahil sa tanong ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko tinanong sa kanya ’yun, pero ayoko lang maiwan ngayon. I didn’t want to be alone because that would mean that I would be alone with my thoughts of him… with her.

God, just by thinking of them together, my heart constricts in pain.

My eyes were most from all the crying that I did. I could see Marcus crouching in front of me, but I really couldn’t see his face clearly. Kinusot ko iyong mga mata ko para mas makita ko siya.

And there he was.

He was far cry from the guy I imagined him to be. I was imagining him to be wearing glasses, not sporting a stud in his ear. Pero ibang-iba siya sa nakikita ko ngayon. His skin was tanned and his jaw prominent. But his eyes were gentle and his lips were red.

And he was looking at me like I was the only one he could see.

“Kukuha lang akong tissue kasi umiiyak ka,” he said with a gentle voice na parang bata iyong kausap niya. Hindi ko alam pero may isang luha na kumawala sa mga mata ko dahil sa tono ng pagsasalita niya.

“O-okay lang ako,” I said in between sobs. Sinubukan kong tumayo, pero hindi ko magawa dahil naka-heels ako.

“Tutulungan kita, okay lang?” he asked. I looked at him. “Kasi baka ayaw mong hawakan ka,” he explained, while still keeping a small distance between us. It was like he was near, but he was still far. He didn’t want to touch me without my consent.

I nodded, then reached for his hand. Gently, he pulled me up with him. Napa-tingala ako sa kanya kahit na naka-heels na ako.

“Thank you,” sabi ko. Pinunasan ko iyong luha ko na ayaw tumigil. Hindi ko alam pero patuloy lang siya sa pagtulo kahit na gustung-gusto ko nang tumigil. Pagod na ako, pero iyong mga mata ko ang dami pang gustong ilabas.

“Ikaw talaga si Marcus?” I asked. I really didn’t know how he looked like… but based on his messages, I was expecting… I didn’t know… glasses?

He was different from what I imagined him to be. From the guy who kept on sending me jokes about Chemistry and Physics.

He nodded. “Ayun lang ’yung CR. Kukuha lang akong tissue,” he said, pointing at the restroom at the end of the hall.

Pinunasan ko iyong luha ko gamit iyong kamay ko. “Okay na ako.”

He looked at me again, his head cocked to the side. “Totoo?”

I nodded. Pinagpagan ko iyong dress ko dahil kanina pa ako naka-salampak sa sahig. I knew I looked like a mess, but that was the least of my priorities right now.

“Alis tayo,” I said.

Napaawang iyong labi niya. “Sasama ka talaga sa ’kin?” he asked, surprised. I nodded. “Pero kakakilala pa lang natin.”

I looked at him with my red eyes. “Marcus Isaiah Nicolas. ChemEng student. Student Council President. Member ng swimming team,” I recited. Ilang beses ko na bang narinig ang pangalan ni Marcus kahit ’di ko pa siya kilala dati? Kasi ayaw tigilan ni Psalm.

Ayan.

Ayan na naman siya.

Napa-tingin ako kay Marcus na mas lalong napaawang iyong labi. “Wow,” he said, his mouth hanging from everything he’d heard from me. Parang may gusto pa siyang sabihin, pero hindi niya alam kung saan magsisimula. I took the opportunity to begin to walk. I just didn’t want to be in this place anymore.

The mere thought of them together was really making my heart hurt.

Nagsimula na akong maglakad nang maramdaman ko na naka-sunod sa akin si Marcus. Diri-diretso lang ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa makarating kami sa labas.

“San ka pupunta?” he asked.

Tumalikod ako, at tinignan siya. “Bakit ako lang? Iiwan mo ba ko?” I asked. Napaawang na naman iyong labi niya. Tuwi na lang nagsasalita ako para siyang nabibigla.

Napa-kamot siya sa batok niya. “Hindi,” he said. “Ang taas kasi niyang suot mo. Baka mapagod ka maglakad,” sabi niya sabay turo sa suot kong sapatos. I even wore heels for Psalm, pero anong nakuha ko?

Sobrang mali ng timing.

“Pahawak,” I said, then leaned against him habang tinatanggal ko iyong sapatos ko. Napa-tingin ako saglit sa kanya habang tinatanggal ko iyong sapatos ko, at nakita ko na namula siya.

Seriously, he’s a mystery. His credentials shouted like a nerd, his physique like a fuck boy, but he acts so shy.

“Naiilang ka ba?” tanong ko sa kanya dahil sa pamumula niya habang naka-hawak ako sa braso niya dahil baka matumba ako habang tinatanggal iyong sapatos ko. “Sorry, marami kasi akong kaibigan na lalaki pati close ako sa kapatid kong lalaki kaya comfortable lang talaga ako,” I said.

Once I finally got my shoes off, I looked at him and smiled. “Thanks,” I uttered. He just smiled. Nagsimula ulit akong maglakad habang hawak ko iyong sapatos ko nang marinig kong magsalita si Marcus.

“Maglalakad kang naka-paa?” he asked.

I nodded. “Malapit na ’yung sasakyan ko,” I said. “Meron akong tsinelas ’dun,” I continued. Magpapatuloy pa sana akong maglakad nung tawagin niya iyong pangalan ko.

“Joey,” he said, and that made me turn right back. Naka-tingin ako sa kanya habang hinihintay na sundan niya iyong sinabi niya. Ilang segundo din iyong lumipas bago nasundan iyong pangalan ko galing sa bibig niya. “Baka masugatan ka,” he said, looking at my bare feet.

“Hindi ’yan.”

“Buhatin kita.” Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi ko sa sinabi niya. Parang nagpanic rin siya bigla dahil sa reaction ko. “Ibig kong sabihin, ano hanggang sa sasakyan mo lang baka kasi masugatan ka.”

Natawa ako sa kanya. Biglang gumaan iyong pakiramdam ko kahit sa totoo lang wala naman siyang ginagawa.

“Paano ka naging president ng student council kung ganyan na parang hiyang-hiya kang kausapin ako?” I asked, laughing because he really just seemed so shy.

“Iba ’yun,” he said.

“Ano’ng iba?”

“Di ka naman sila.”

Natigilan ako.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang segundo iyong lumipas na walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa. We were just staring at each other for so long that I finally had the courage to break the stare.

“Haha,” I said, just to break the silence… and the stares.

“Hehe,” he replied. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling kasi ang ewan niya!

Sinubukan ko na maglakad ng yapak, pero puro bato na sa dinadaanan namin kaya napilitan na akong sumakay sa likod ni Marcus. He gave me a piggyback ride, but since I was wearing a long dress, my dressed hiked up to my upper thigh. Hindi pwede kasi masisilipan ako.

“Maglalakad na lang talaga ako,” I said. I looked at the path we’d tread, and puro bato nga. Ramdam ko na na masusugatan ako. Well, at least may reason na naman ako para hindi pumasok sa school. Muna. ’Di ko kasi alam kung gusto ko na agad na makita si Psalm bukas.

Paano kung maraming nagbago agad?

Ano? Iiyak na naman ako?

“Buhatin na lang kita,” he said again.

“Di nga pwedeng piggyback kasi naka-dress ako.”

“Bridal style?” he suggested. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Nagpanic na naman siya sa reaction ko. Kasi naman! Kung anu-ano na lang lumalabas sa bibig nito wala man lang trigger warning! “Baka kasi masugatan ka…”

I stared at him. “Pag may ginawa kang masama sa ’kin—”

“Grabe. Ako na nga nagkusa na puntahan ka kahit matutulog na lang talaga dapat ako, ako pa masama. Bakit parang kasalanan ko?” sabi niya kaya napaawang agad iyong labi ko. Ang daming alam nito!

“At saka alam mo naman na ako si Marcus Isaiah Nicolas, ChemEng student, President ng Student Council, member ng swimming team. Makakapagtago pa ba ako sa ’yo?”

I squinted my eyes at him. “Oo na, dami mong alam.”

In the end, binuhat ako ni Marcus. Pero dahil naiilang ako, ’di ko na muna siya tinignan habang nasa mga braso niya ako. I focused on the surrounding as I was in his arms.

Habang naglalakad siya na buhat ako, bigla kaming may naka-salubong na grupo ng teenagers na pinagtitinginan kami.

“Di ko siya pinaiyak. Ngayon nga lang ako pinansin nito, e!” sigaw niya sa kanila. Hinampas ko siya kasi parang tanga lang! Ano bang nakain ng mga tiga-SCA at ganito ang binoto nila na president?

Sa sobrang hiya, tinakpan ko iyong mukha ko ng mga kamay ko. Narinig ko iyong tawa ni Marcus dahil sa ginawa ko.

“Saan ’yung sasakyan mo?” he asked again nung medyo malayo na iyong mga teenagers.

“Dun,” sabi ko sabay turo. “Paano mo nalaman na nandito ako?”

“Connections.”

“Ano nga?”

“Student Council. May calendar kami ng lahat ng activities sa school,” he replied.

“Alam mo na dito ako? Sa activity na ’to?”

He nodded. Na-tempt ako na tignan siya, pero pinigilan ko iyong sarili ko. I felt like we’re too close kahit sa totoo lang, nagmamagandang loob lang naman talaga siya. Kasi nga baka masugatan ako.

“Kasi nga ikaw si Jocelyn Yuchengco, foreign relations student, walang org, suki ng potato corner sa cafeteria.”

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from laughing. Sa sobrang pagpipigil ko na matawa sa pagkaka-describe niya sa ’kin, ’di ko agad napansin na halos nasa tapat na pala kami ng sasakyan ko.

Tinapik ko siya. “Baba na ako,” I said, then he gently put me down. Kinuha ko sa loob ng clutch ko iyong susi, at saka binuksan iyong sasakyan. Mabilis kong inabot iyong tsinelas ko at saka sinuot ’yun.

Bukas iyong pintuan ng driver’s seat at doon ako nakaupo habang nakaharap kay Marcus na nakatayo sa labas ng sasakyan. I looked at him. I could see him clearer now.

“Uhh… thank you sa pagpunta kahit kilala mo lang ako bilang si Jocelyn Yuchengco na foreign relation student, walang org, at suki ng potato corner sa cafeteria…”

The side of his lips rose, and he grinned. “No problem. Okay ka na ba?”

I shrugged. “I’ll be.”

He nodded. “That’s the spirit,” he said, then put both his hands inside his pockets. “Kinabahan ako kanina. Kasi sanay ako na ’di ka naman nagrereply. Muntik na mahulog phone ko nung nagreply ka.”

Natawa ako. “Sorry, ’di ko rin kasi alam ano irereply ko tuwing nagmemessage ka.”

“Kahit haha lang? Effort para sa joke?”

I rolled my eyes. “Ayaw mo ng hehe?”

He laughed, too.

Pagkatapos nun, tahimik na ulit kaming dalawa. ’Di ko rin naman kasi alam ano sasabihin sa kanya kasi… ’di naman talaga kami magkakilala. He was just here because I was too desperate to have someone to talk to. Pakiramdam ko kasi mababaliw na ako kapag naisip ko pa ng isang beses sina Psalm at Kia na magkasama.

Ito na naman.

Pilit kong binaling kay Marcus iyong atensyon ko dahil ayoko muna na maisip silang dalawa… na kung paano sila magkasama ngayon. Siguro sumasayaw silang dalawa. Kahit na pinangako sa ’kin ni Psalm dati na ako iyong first dance niya.

“Umiiyak ka na naman.”

Napa-hawak ako sa pisngi ko.

Oo nga.

Umiiyak na naman ako.

“Wala ’to,” sabi ko habang mabilis na pinunasan iyong mga mata ko. I tried to laugh it off, but Marcus just looked at me seriously. Like there was no need to pretend that I was okay because he could see through my smiles.

So, I stopped smiling.

I let the tears fall.

“Ang sakit na makitang may kasama siyang iba…” I said, letting the tears fall. I let myself cry because I didn’t want to let it all in. Pakiramdam ko sasabog ako. Kailangan kong ilabas. Kasi ang sakit-sakit na.

Marcus didn’t say a word. He just stood there and stayed with me until the tears finally stopped falling.

Chapter 32

#ABNQ32 Chapter 32

I spent the whole weekend inside my room. My family didn’t ask any questions kahit na ramdam ko na alam nila. They offered their silence as I kept on crying because… hindi ko alam. Siguro kasi nasasayangan ako? Kasi sobrang mali ng timing?

I didn’t know how I’d face Psalm now that I know how I feel about him.

Noong hindi ko pa alam na ganito iyong nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, sobrang nasasaktan na ako sa tuwing iniiwasan niya ako… Paano pa kaya ngayon na naamin ko na sa sarili ko na gusto ko siya?

May mas isasakit pa ba ’yun?

When Monday came, nagulat ako nang pumasok si Mama sa loob ng kwarto ko. I was staring at nowhere when the door suddenly swung open. Nakita ko si Mama. Alam ko na nakita niya kung paano namamaga pa rin iyong mga mata ko. Pero kahit na ganoon, wala akong nakitang awa sa mga mata niya. She still looked at me like I was just Joey.

“Ma,” banggit ko nang maglakad siya palapit sa akin. Nabigla ako nang maupo siya sa kama ko. She looked at me seriously, and I knew she meant business.

“Tapos ka na bang umiyak?” she asked in her no-nonsense tone. Napaawang ang labi ko, hindi alam kung ano ang sasabihin. “Joey, dumaan din ako sa kabataan kaya alam ko ’yang pinagdadaanan mo. Normal lang ’yan. Pero kung anuman ’yang nangyayari, ’wag mong idamay ’yung pag-aaral mo. D’yan ako magagalit talaga sa ’yo.”

Nagsimula na namang magtubig iyong mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

“Okay lang na iyakan ’yang mga lalaki na ’yan. Okay lang masaktan. Pero ’di okay na pabayaan mo ’yung pag-aaral mo para lang sa lalaki. ’Di na pagmamahal ’yun. Katangahan na ’yun,” she calmly said. “Maniwala ka sa ’kin na marami ka pang makikilala na mas sa lahat ng bagay. Pero kung kayo talaga niyang iniiyakan mo, kayo talaga. Pero sa ngayon, umayos ka.”

My mother’s words were always harsh, but truthful. I knew she meant well, but every word felt like stab in my chest. She was the dose of reality that I needed amidst the ocean of pain I was letting myself drown in.

“Papasok na ko sa trabaho. Maligo ka na at pumasok. ’Di kami nagpapaka-hirap magtrabaho para lang magsayang ka ng tuition,” she finally said before going out of the room. Ilang segundo akong naka-titig sa pinto matapos siyang lumabas. Ilang luha pa iyong tumulo mula sa mga mata ko bago ako nagsimulang gumalaw.

Tama naman siya. Okay lang masaktan… pero iyong itigil mo iyong mundo mo para lang ’dun? It’s never okay. It will never be okay. Love is supposed to make you a better person, to inspire you to do better… but if it’s causing you pain and creating a monster out of you… is it really love?

Jax offered to drive me to school, but I declined his offer. I didn’t want anyone to coddle me because it would only make me feel like I couldn’t go through this shit alone. Kaya ko naman. Kinaya ko na dati, e.

Pagdating ko sa classroom, agad akong nilapitan ni Kitty. I knew this would happen dahil weekend pa lang e binubugbog niya na ako ng text at tawag—so much so na dahil sa kanya na-deadbatt iyong phone ko. Kaka-charge ko lang kanina. ’Di ko pa nababasa lahat ng dumating na message na sa tingin ko ay kalahati galing kay Kitty.

“Nasaan ka last Friday?!” she asked. Medyo kinurot niya pa ako!

“Aray naman!” sabi ko sa kanya. “Nandun naman ako… maaga lang umuwi,” I tried to explain. I wanted to be honest with her because she’s my friend, but I really had no idea where I’d start.

She glared at me. “Wag ka ngang sinungaling. May attendance list ’yung mga dumating. Wala ka ’dun.”

I bit my lower lip, and looked around. Medyo maaga pa naman. Napaaga kasi iyong alis ko sa bahay dahil sa takot kay Mama. Baka magalit na kasi talaga kapag ’di nga ako absent, late naman. Siya kasi iyong tipo na ’di nagagalit talaga kasi as much as possible, pinapabayaan niya kami ni Jax. Pero kapag nagalit, talagang nakaka-takot. Naalala ko dati napabayaan ni Jax iyong pag-aaral niya dahil na-adik sa pogs nung bata pa. Ayun, sinunog ni Mama sa harap niya. Iyon siguro ang dahilan kung bakit naging dakilang nerd ’yung kapatid ko. Na-trauma yata kay Mama, e 7 years old pa lang siya nun.

“Sa cafeteria tayo,” I said. Madaling tumayo si Kitty. I looked at Anj. “Sama ka?” I asked. Alam ko naman na naririnig niya. She’s still my friend, no matter what happened in the past. Ayoko lang palakihin pa iyong drift kasi pareho naman kaming may mali dati.

Dahil wala pa iyong prof namin, dumiretso kami sa cafeteria. Walang masyadong tao dahil maaga pa.

“So, ano’ng nangyari nung Friday? Ano’ng nangyayari nitong mga nakaraang linggo? Hindi na ako busy ngayon, so update mo na ako,” utos ni Kitty habang naka-tingin sa ’kin.

I sighed.

“Ano kasi…” I said, uncertain on how I’d tell things without making anyone look back. We’re all at fault here. I didn’t want to blame anyone because I knew that I was equally at fault. “Naalala mo ’yung nasa bahay tayo last time?” she nodded profusely. “Psalm… he kinda confessed.”

Nanlaki iyong mata ni Kitty. Si Anj, natawa.

“For reals?!” Kitty shouted, at hinampas na naman ako. “Masama kang kaibigan! Bakit hindi mo agad sinabi sa ’kin?! Alam mo bang inaabangan ko ’yan?! Mas invested pa nga ako sa drama niyo ni Psalm kaysa sa sarili kong buhay, e!”

“Wala naman kasing dapat sabihin… I turned him down.”

Napa-awang iyong labi nila.

“I said I just wanted to be friends. I was at fault for how things turned out dahil hindi ko napaliwanag sa kanya nang mabuti iyong gusto kong sabihin… I just didn’t want to be with anyone yet. Nung sinabi niya sa ’kin na gusto niya ako, ang unang naisip ko agad iyong nangyari kay Steele. Na paano kapag hindi nagwork? Ganon ulit? Mag-iiwasan? Kasi ganoon na ganoon iyong nangyari dati. Alam mo ’yun? Sobrang close kami ni Steele. Ngayon, bilang na bilang ko iyong pagkakataon na nag-uusap kami. Ni hindi nga namin kaya na maiwang dalawa kasi alam mo ’yun? Hindi na talaga mababalik iyong kagaya nung dati.”

Nagsisimula na namang sumikip iyong dibdib ko habang sinasabi ko iyong nangyari. I was just talking about it, yet my heart was already hurting so bad.

“Iba naman si Psalm kay Steele…” Anj said. “Steele’s my friend, but he’s an asshole when it comes to girls. Pero si Psalm? Alam mo naman na mabait ’yun, Joey. ’Di gagawin nun sa ’yo ’yung ginawa ni Steele.”

I nodded, feeling my chest tightening with every word. “Alam ko naman… Hindi naman siya ’yung problema. Ako naman. Ako ’yung ’di pa handa. Ako ’yung ’di pa buo. Ayoko naman na sabihin sa kanya na okay kahit ramdam ko na hindi pa. Mas unfair naman kasi kung papayag ako kahit ang dami kong gustong ayusin sa sarili ko.”

Kitty smiled at me, and hugged me. “I’m with Joey on this one. Kung ’di kalahating tanga si Psalm, dapat alam niya na na-traumatize si Joey sa mismong gawa ng best friend niya. He should’ve known better. He could’ve waited until she’s okay. Mali din naman kasi timing nung kulot na ’yun.”

I tried to smile. “Wag na nating pagtalunan. Tapos na. Ayoko rin na maging issue ’to sa grupo kasi wala namang kwenta.”

They both nodded. “Pero ano nga nangyari last Friday?” Kitty asked. God, she wouldn’t stop.

“Lately, si Kia—”

“Ugh! Kia! Umagang-umaga sinisira mo agad araw ko, Joey!” Kitty fumed before I could even finish what I was saying. “Pero ano? Ano na naman ginawa nung mang-aagaw ng kaibigan na ’yun?”

Napa-buntong-hininga ako. Talking about them was like reliving the pain all over again. I hated feeling this way, but I owe it to my friends.

“Hindi ko alam… Wala naman silang ginagawang masama ni Psalm, pero tuwing nakikita ko silang magkasama, naiinis ako. Nagagalit ako. Tapos, na-realize ko na nagseselos pala ako,” sabi ko habang sabay na napaawang iyong bibig nila. Kinuyom ko iyong kamao ko kasi kailangan kong matapos sabihin ’to. Kasi alam ko na ito na ’yung huling beses na sasabihin ko ’to.

“Nung Friday… Nung Friday, gusto kong sabihin pero hindi ko natuloy. Kasi nakita ko na naman silang dalawa. Magkasama na naman sila. Tapos… tapos parang pinanghinaan ako ng loob. Kasi paano naman? Nung sinabi ko kay Psalm na ayoko, sinunod niya naman ’yung gusto ko. Nirespeto niya naman. Kaya naisip ko, kung iba na ’yung gusto niya, ’di ba dapat ganun din ’yung gawin ko? Na irespeto ko rin? Kasi ayoko namang maging selfish. Kasi ’di niya naman deserve ’yun.”

Naiinis ako kasi umiiyak na naman ako. Na kahit ano’ng pigil ko, hindi ko nagawa kasi ang sakit talaga.

Ang sakit kasi sayang.

Ang sakit kasi wala kami sa tamang timing.

“Sana sinabi mo sa ’min, sa ’kin… We would’ve ditched that party in a heartbeat!” Kitty said. Tuluyan niya na akong niyakap. Pahigpit nang pahigpit iyong yakap niya habang binubulong kung gaano kagago si Psalm at ka-sumpa-sumpa si Kia.

I laughed and smiled at reaction.

My experience with love, by far, has sucked, but I couldn’t deny how lucky I am with my family and friends.

“Pinaghirapan mo ’yung party…” I said.

“Ako na nag-ayos nun kaya sasamain na sila sa ’kin kung may masusumbat pa sila,” she said. I laughed again. Kitty may be a lot of things, but as a friend, she’s everything.

“Sorry, Joey. Sana nasamahan ka namin nung Friday…” Anj said.

I smiled. “It’s okay. May kasama naman ako.”

“Sino? Si Jax? Napaka-buting kapatid talaga nung mahal ko…” Kitty said.

I laughed again. “No. Si Marcus.”

Kitty and Anj’s jaws dropped.

“Oh, my God!” panay sabi nilang dalawa. They kept on asking me details, but I kept my mum. I didn’t want to divulge anything because that night felt personal kahit sa totoo lang, iniyakan ko lang naman si Marcus Isaiah Nicolas, ChemEng student, President ng Student Council, at member ng swimming team.

Maybe that night would be our little secret.

---

Thankfully, nagstart na ang klase kaya wala nang nagawa sila Kitty tungkol kay Marcus, but I knew that that wasn’t the end of it. Pagdating namin sa classroom, lumipat ng upuan iyong dalawa para kaming tatlo na iyong magkakatabi. I knew the guys found it weird, but isang malutong na irap lang ang nakuha nila sa munting kuting.

After class, nilapitan agad kami nung mga lalaki.

Nandun si Psalm.

Hinawakan ni Kitty at Anj iyong magkabilang kamay ko at pinisil nila. It was like they were telling me that they’re with me.

“Jo, ’di ka namin nakita nung party,” Matt said.

“Busy siya. May kasama siya,” Kitty answered bago pa man ako makapagsalita.

“Whoa, ano na naman nagawa ko at sinusungitan mo ako?”

“Hmp!” sabi ni Kitty sabay irap. “Pupunta na kami sa cafeteria. Pwede kayong sumabay sa ’min basta ’di niyo kasama si Kia.”

Ayokong tignan sila.

Mas ayokong tignan si Psalm.

At mas lalong ayokong marinig na ipagtanggol ni Psalm si Kia. Kahit alam ko na dapat. Kahit na alam ko na wala naman siyang kasalanan.

Couldn’t I be irrational? Kahit ngayon lang? Kasi nasasaktan ako, e…

“Kitty, you’re being too much,” I heard Psalm said. I also heard something inside me shattering.

Humigpit iyong hawak ni Anj at Kitty sa kamay ko. Kitty answered again. “No, Psalm, you’re all being too much. Alam niyo naman na ’di kami okay sa kanya, pero pinipilit niyo siya sa group. Okay lang naman sa ’min na samahan niyo siya, but at least do it kapag ’di niyo kami kasama. Kasi sobrang insensitive lang na alam niyo naman na ’di okay pero pilit niyong sinasama. Tapos kapag nagkakaganito, ano? Kami na naman masama? Kami pa? E in the first place sinabi naman sa inyo na ’di namin siya gustong kasama.”

Napaawang iyong labi ng mga lalaki sa sinabi ni Kitty.

“Stop being a brat, Kitty,” sabi ni Simon. Ramdam ko iyong paghigpit ng hawak ni Kitty sa akin. Si Simon iyong laging kumukunsinti sa kanya… to hear him tell her that she’s being a brat would hurt so bad. “The world doesn’t revolve around you. Grow up.”

Mabilis na bumitiw si Kitty sa akin.

Mabilis siyang umalis sa classroom.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko dahil masyado akong nabigla sa mga pangyayari. Totoo ba na ilang linggo na lang at matatapos na ang klase namin pero ganito pa ang nangyayari? Ito ba iyong memories na dadalhin namin pagka-graduate namin?

“Dude, magsorry ka…” Matt said. “Sobra ka naman ’dun.”

Simon shook his head. “She needs to hear it. Tayo, kaya nating mag-adjust sa kanya. Paano na pagkatapos nating grumaduate? Hindi lahat ng tao mag-a-adjust sa kanya. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang itolerate ’yung ugali niya.”

“I get your point, but you could’ve said it in a better way. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. Ang sobra lang nun, dude,” Matt said.

Nagtatalo si Matt at Simon tungkol kay Kitty. Ako, hindi binitawan ni Anj iyong kamay ko.

“Hahanapin ba natin si Kitty?” Anj asked.

I shook my head. “Nagpapa-lipas ng inis ’yun. Magpapakita ’yun kapag okay na,” I said.

Hindi kami sumama sa boys sa cafeteria kasi sa totoo lang, nainis ako sa ginawa nila kay Kitty. I felt like a sucky friend because I wasn’t able to stand up for her when she was just doing that for me. Masyado akong nabigla sa bilis nung pag-uusap nila kaya ’di agad ako nakapagsalita.

Bumili kami ni Anj ng pagkain. Naghanap kami ng table, pero masyadong puno iyong cafeteria. We saw Matt waving at us dahil nagsave sila ng bakanteng upuan para sa ’min.

“Sa bench na lang tayo sa labas,” Anj said nung makita niya na nandun si Psalm. He wasn’t even looking at me. Nasa phone niya na naman iyong atensyon niya. Malamang ka-text na naman si Kia.

I shook my head. “Doon na lang tayo,” I said because I didn’t want to widen the rift. Matatapos na. Ilang linggo na lang.

Naupo kami doon. Walang nag-uusap. Ramdam pa rin namin iyong tensyon sa nangyari kanina.

I was focused on finishing my food when my eyes widened upon seeing Kitty… with Marcus.

“Kung pwede kayong magdala ng Kia sa group, magdadala din ako ng Marcus!” Kitty said, then pointed at the vacant chair near me. “Dun ka maupo, Marcus!”

Chapter 33

#ABNQ33 Chapter 33

I was pretty sure my mouth was hanging widely by the stunt Kitty just pulled. Akala ko nasa isang sulok siya at nagmumukmok dahil sa ginawa ni Simon, but why did I ever forget how vindictive Kitty was? Of course she wouldn’t let this pass without getting even. Typical of Catty Kitty.

And now, we’re all staring at Marcus.

“Dun ka nga,” Kitty said, pushing Marcus para maupo sa bakanteng upuan sa tabi ko. Na akala mo hindi president ng Student Council na kinabibilangan niya iyong lalaking tinutulak-tulak lang niya.

“What are you—” Simon said, but Kitty was quick to snap at him. Kahit hindi ako iyong tinitignan nang masama ni Kitty, nakaramdam ako ng takot sa kanya. She’s really a force to reckon with.

“It’s called returning the favor, Simon,” she calmly, but scarily said. “You kept on preaching about tolerating? Ito, i-tolerate niyo,” sabi niya bago itulak nang isang beses pa si Marcus hanggang wala nang magawa iyong tao hanggang sa maupo sa tabi ko.

Literal na napaawang na lang talaga iyong bibig ko sa mga nangyayari. I was so focused on what was happening, but it still didn’t escape me how everyone in the cafeteria was staring at our table.

President ng Student Council at captain ng basketball team ay nasa iisang table. Of course people would look! Ano ba naman kasing naisip nitong si Kitty!

“Sabi ko sa ’yo, totoo ’yung chismis na may girlfriend na si President,” narinig kong bulong—though ang lakas ng boses nila! “Ayaw mo pa kasing maniwala na may binuhat siyang babae nung isang gabi, e. May LQ pa nga yata sila nun ’di ba kasi umiiyak daw ’yung babae.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Bwisit na mga high school students ’yun! Nagawa pa kaming ichismis!

Dahil sa lakas ng boses nung dalawang babae, sure ako na narinig ng buong grupo iyong sinabi nila. And the guys were all staring at me like I just committed a horrible mistake!

I looked at Psalm, and I could see how tightly he was holding his phone. I could also see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, and him controlling his breathing.

Oo nga pala. Kilala niya si Marcus. Mabuti naman alam niya iyong nararamdaman ko kapag nandyan si Kia. I didn’t want to be petty, but still, there’s this small voice inside me that was rejoicing that at least, Psalm knew how it felt to see the person you like with someone else.

Sucks, doesn’t it?

“Alis na lang ako,” Marcus said, standing up. At saka lang naputol iyong pagtingin ko kay Psalm nang marinig ko na magsalita si Marcus. He probably was feeling the tension because damn, it was too palpable not to be felt.

“Umupo ka,” Kitty said. Agad na napaupo si Marcus. I wanted to laugh kasi ang laki-laking tao ni Marcus tapos president pa, pero tiklop kay Kitty. Little boss talaga ’yung kuting na ’yun!

“Sabi ko nga…” Marcus whispered as he took back his seat.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“Bakit ba ako nandito?” Marcus whispered back.

“Hindi ko rin alam, e.”

Nagbubulungan kami ni Marcus. Our faces were few inches apart when we heard someone clearing their throat. Agad na napabalik iyong atensyon ko sa kanila nang mapansin ko na naka-tingin silang lahat sa amin ni Marcus.

“So, as I was saying, since ang kalakaran naman pala sa grupong ito e pwedeng magdala ng ibang tao, then isasama ko na si Marcus palagi. I expect that you guys will be in your best behavior dahil mabait naman si Marcus at wala naman siyang ginagawang masama,” parang nagsesermon na sabi ni Kitty. I could see the confused face of the guys. Like they wanted to ask questions, but at the same time, ’di rin nila alam kung saan nagsisimula.

“This is unfair. You know that—”

Kitty dangerously arched her brow. “I know that what?” masungit na sabi niya kay Simon. “May problema ba dito, ha, Simon Alejandro?”

Bigla akong natawa.

“Nagagawa mo pang tumawa?” namamangha na tanong ni Marcus.

“Napapagod na akong malungkot, e,” I replied.

Lumambot iyong ekspresyon sa mukha niya. “Okay ka na ba?”

I nodded, and smiled at him. “Yeah… Thank you, ha? Sorry din ’di ko na-replyan messages mo. Nung Monday ko lang nakita, e.”

“Tss. Sanay na ako na ’di mo nirereplyan.”

Natawa ako. “Ay grabe siya. Talent mo magtanim ng sama ng loob?” sabi ko tapos nginitian niya lang ako. I noticed that he wasn’t wearing the stud in his ear. Tatanungin ko sana nang marinig ko na tumatawa si Kitty.

“Tignan mo mga ’yun, sobrang pikon,” Kitty said. Napaawang na lang iyong labi ko nung mapansin ko na kami na lang mga babae at si Marcus iyong nasa table.

“Nasan sila?” I asked, my brows furrowed because I seriously didn’t notice them leaving.

“Umalis. May practice daw ng basketball,” Kitty said, grinning. “Sige na, Marcus. Pwede ka ng bumalik sa council room.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko. Grabe naman siya! Pinapunta lang dito tapos papaalisin agad?

Natatawang naiiling si Marcus sa sinabi ni Kitty. He stood up. Ang bilis din kausap nito, e. Ganoon na lang ’yun? Ayos lang sa kanya na literal na hinatak lang siya ni Kitty dito tapos aalis na siya?

“Alis ka na?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah… Hinatak lang ako niyan, e,” sabi niya sabay turo kay Kitty na ngayon ay busy na makipagchismisan kay Anj. Akala mo wala siyang gulong dinulot dito, e!

Tumayo na rin ako. “Alis na rin ako.”

Napaawang iyong labi ni Marcus. “Sasama ka na naman sa ’kin?”

Natawa ako. Ang feeling din ng isang ’to, e! “Sumama lang ako ng isang beses sa ’yo, feeling mo sasama na ko palagi? Pupunta akong lib,” I said. The NMAT was drawing nearer, and I was really, really nervous. But being nervous just made me want to work harder. Kasi kung kinakabahan ako nang ganito, it just means na sobrang gusto ko ’to. And I should really work for it.

Kinuha ko iyong gamit ko. Maliit lang talaga iyong bag na dala ko kasi mini-macbook, notebooks, and pens lang naman ang laman ng bag ko. Pero ngayon, dala ko iyong mga hiniram ko na libro sa lib dahil nga mag-aaral ako, so bitbit ko lang sila sa kamay ko.

“Kitty, alis muna kami.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Sige, bye. Ingat kayo.”

Napaailing na lang ako sa kanya. Nagsimula na akong maglakad nang mapansin ko na medyo malayo sa akin si Marcus.

“Ang layo mo naman,” I pointed out because he was being weird about it. I mean, magkasama kami pero ang layo niya sa ’kin. Like he was keeping a safe distance between us.

“Tinitignan tayo, e,” he pointed out. At saka ko lang napansin na tinitignan nga kami ng ilang mga tao.

“Ah…” I just said. Baka siya iyong tipo ng tao na ayaw sa chismis? Baka nga. President siya ng Student Council, e. Ayoko rin naman na mapahamak siya dahil sa ’kin since he’d been nothing but nice. “Sige, una na ako,” I said instead.

I walked faster para maiwanan ko siya, but I was surprised when he caught up with me. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya habang naka-kunot ang noo. “Ano’ng ginagawa mo?” I asked.

He stared at me for a while. I stared back. Ang ganda ng pagkaka-tan niya. Sobrang lalaking-lalaki iyong dating nitong taong ’to. Ano kayang trip nito at bakit napadpad sa Tinder?

I didn’t know for how long we were just staring at each other. I was just fascinated with his looks… kasi hinding-hindi ko talaga naimagine na ganito iyong itsura ng president ng council sa school. Mas mukha talaga siyang fuck boy kaysa sa school nerd!

Marcus cleared his throat. Pansin ko rin na namumula iyong pisngi niya dahil sa pagtitig ko sa kanya. Tss. Siya ’tong nangungunang tumitig palagi, tapos pag ginantihan, mamumula.

“San ka ba?” he asked.

“Lib,” I said.

He nodded. “Ako na d’yan,” he said, then pointed at the books I was holding. Hindi naman siya mabigat kaya sabi ko ’wag na. “Sigurado ka?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah… Baka mas lumala pa iyong chismis na girlfriend mo raw ako,” I said, shaking my head sa bilis gumawa ng kwento ng mga tao. Girlfriend agad? Porke magkasama?

I thought Marcus would agree with me na sobrang ridiculous nung chismis na ’yun, but he just grinned!

“Oo nga, e…” he said, grinning. Sobrang contradicting nung sinabi niya sa reaksyon sa mukha niya.

My phone vibrated.

Matt:

San ka?

I wrinkled my nose upon reading his text. Pagkatapos nilang magwalkout, tatanungin ako kung nasaan ako?

I was probably staring at the text for far too long kaya napansin ni Marcus na may mali. But I didn’t want him to get the idea na may kinalaman siya sa mga nangyayari kasi wala naman talaga… The guys were really just… overprotective? Hindi ko alam.

“Sorry sa kanina,” sabi ko. “Hindi ko naman alam na isasama ka ni Kitty, e…”

Hindi naman tanga si Marcus. Alam ko na alam niya na rin kahit papaano iyong dahilan kung bakit sinama siya ni Kitty kanina. But still, he wasn’t asking anything about it. And appreciate that very much. He was letting me have the control, and not being intrusive about anything.

“Okay lang,” simple niyang sabi. Nilagay niya iyong kamay sa batok niya, at alanganing ngumiti. “Sige, baka may kailangan ka pang kausapin, e.”

I bit my lower lip. I felt bad because I felt like Marcus was thinking that it was partly because of him dahil sa paghatak sa kanya ni Kitty…

Marcus turned his back, and began walking when I called his name. His steps immediately halted. Like he was just waiting for me to call his name. Like he was expecting that I’d do.

“Sorry… if you feel like you’re being used or something…”

He turned around. There was the usual smile on his face.

“It’s fine. I’ll be whatever you need me to be,” he said in his gentle tone. The one that can calm me when my nerves were getting the best of me. He was looking at me, his eyes smiling. “And if it’s someone you can cry on, I can be that.”

I pursed my lips, not knowing what to say.

“I’m always just a Tinder-message away,” sabi niya na nakapagpa-ngiti sa akin. I bit my lower lip because I was smiling so bad. Alam na alam niya talaga iyong sasabihin para mawala iyong tensyon.

“Oo na,” I said, shaking my head while biting my lower lip.

Marcus grinned before saying goodbye. Marami pala talaga siyang ginagawa sa council plus palapit na iyong finals exam, considering na ChemEng student siya. Sobrang biglang naappreciate ko nang sobra iyong pagpunta niya sa akin instead na matulog na lang talaga siya.

Nang makaalis na si Marcus, nireplyan ko na si Matt. I really didn’t want to talk to him right now, but I figured I needed to take the higher road. Ayoko naman na pati kami maging magulo.

Magrereply pa lang sana ako nang magulat ako na nasa harap ko na bigla si Matt at Simon.

“Siya ba? Siya ba?” Simon said.

“Pinapanood niyo ba kami?” naniningkit na mata na sabi ko dahil parang sobrang timing naman yata na bigla na lang silang lumapit nung saktong umalis si Marcus!

“Siya ba?” ulit si Simon. Para siyang bata na nagtatanong!

“Ano iyong mga sinasabi nung mga babae na magkasama kayo?” Matt asked.

I stared at them seriously. “Bakit niyo ba kailangang malaman?” I asked.

“Joey, siya ba?!” naiinis na sabi ni Simon dahil walang pumapansin sa kanya.

I glared at him. Ang kulit! “Siya nga! Siya nga ’yung Marcus na hinahanap niyo sa school! Masaya ka na?!” Pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon, nilabas ni Simon iyong phone niya at saka nakita ko na sinearch niya sa facebook si Marcus. Napailing na lang ako.

“Ano’ng meron sa inyo, Joey?” Matt asked.

“Wala,” I replied kasi wala naman talaga. Why do people assume na porke may babae at lalaking magkasama, may something na agad? Bakit ba napaka-dumi ng isip ng mga tao?

“At saka kung meron man, ano naman?” I continued.

Napaawang iyong labi ni Matt. “Paano kayo ni Psalm?”

I stared at him. “Wala namang kami. “

Chapter 34

#ABNQ34 Chapter 34

I spent the whole night feeling guilty about what I said. Was I too harsh? Did my words seem too ruthless? Was I being too insensitive for merely speaking my thoughts? Kasi ’di ba tama naman? Wala naman talagang kami.

Walang kami dati.

Walang kami ngayon.

At sa takbo ng mga bagay ngayon, ang labo lang.

The next day, I was determined to talk to Matt to explain myself. Ayoko lang kasi na isipin niya na masama ako. I care about what my friends think about me. I didn’t want them thinking that I was too cruel and insensitive of Psalm’s feelings kasi hindi naman ganon… I just couldn’t think about anything else when my own pain was overwhelming me. That even the mere thought of Psalm has me grasping for air.

That’s how badly he could affect me.

And frankly, it scares me.

Pagdating ko sa school, plano ko na dumiretso sa gym kasi sigurado ako na nandun sila Matt… but then I decided against it dahil nandun din si Psalm. And it’s not like I didn’t want to see him, but that I couldn’t see him.

His presence was enthralling.

He was too much.

And I couldn’t handle too much right now. I needed to remain steadfast on graduating. Kasi tama naman si Mama. I shouldn’t let how I feel meddle with my future. Kasi kung para sa ’kin, para sa ’kin. I shouldn’t let this distract me from pursuing my dream.

After sending a text to Matt, dumiretso muna ako sa library para ibalik iyong ibang libro na hiniram ko. Nagtext din kasi iyong beadle namin sa class na walang pasok sa first subject kasi may meting si Sir, so doon muna siguro ako tatambay. Kasi kapag pinuntahan ko agad sila Kitty sure ako na magchichismisan lang kami.

Pagdating ko sa lib, binalik ko agad iyong mga libro ko. I immediately proceeded to the Physics section para maghanap ng ibang babasahin nang mapa-hinto ako.

“Are you stalking me?” tanong ko nang makita ko si Marcus na naka-upo sa pagitan ng shelves ng Physics at Chemistry books. May naka-ipit pa na ballpen sa tenga niya tapos may pinapaikot siya na isa pang ballpen sa kamay niya habang naka-tutok iyong mga mata sa pahina ng binabasa niya.

Upon hearing my voice, he looked up. Kitang-kita ko kung paano napaawang iyong labi niya nang makita ako.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Mabilis siyang tumayo. Nalaglag tuloy iyong libro na nasa lap niya dahil sa bilis ng pagtayo niya.

“Yung libro,” I said, pointing at the poor book that recklessly fell out of his lap.

“Ah, oo,” sabi niya tapos lumuhod para kunin iyong libro at ballpen niya na nalaglag. Gusto kong matawa kasi parang nagpanic siya nung makita ako, pero pinigilan ko iyong sarili ko. But I really like it how he seemed to fuzz over whenever he sees me.

“Ayos ka lang?” I asked, biting my lower lip dahil ngayon naman, nagpapanic siya habang pinapasok lahat sa bag niya.

“Ha? Oo, ayos lang ako,” sabi niya. Nang malagay niya na sa loob ng bag niya, sinuot niya ’yung backpack niya tapos tinignan ako. “Ayos lang ako,” ulit niya.

“Sure ka?” I asked, still stifling my laughter.

Tinignan ako ni Marcus, tapos nilagay niya iyong kamay sa batok niya. “Bakit ka ba kasi nanggugulat?”

“Di naman kita ginulat.”

Nilagay niya ’yung kamay niya sa dibdib niya. “Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko,” sabi niya. Tuluyan na akong natawa dahil kung anu-ano na naman lumalabas sa bibig niya. At dahil sa tawa ko, naka-rinig kami ng sitsit mula sa kabilang aisle ng shelves.

“Sorry na,” I said in a much lower tone. “Nagrereview ka ba? Iwan na kita,” I said because I didn’t want to bother him if he’s studying. Alam ko kasi na mahirap iyong degree niya tapos graduating pa siya kagaya ko…

Akmang patalikod na sana ako nang sabihin niya na, “Hindi. Tapos na ko.”

I arched a brow. “Sure? Nagbabasa ka pa—”

“Nabasa ko na ’yun. Inuulit ko lang,” he said. I just nodded, though it felt like he’s lying dahil mukhang seryosong-seryoso siya sa pagbabasa kanina. Ayoko talaga siyang istorbohin kasi sobra na siyang naaabala ni Kitty. One time kasi hinatak siya ni Kitty para sumama sa amin na maglunch. Naka-suot pa si Marcus ng safety goggles nun mula sa lab. Literal na hinatak lang talaga siya ni Kitty.

“San ka pupunta?” he asked.

“Mag-aaral sana dito sa lib kaya lang puno pala, e…” I said. Kaya siguro nasa sahig na si Marcus dahil walang space sa mga table. “Ikaw? San ka?”

Marcus looked at me. Napatitig na naman ako sa kanya. Ang ganda talaga ng skin color niya. Tapos naka-suot lang siya ng white collared shirt, jeans, and dark blue Converse.

“Nasan na ’yung stud mo?” I asked. I had been meaning to ask him this, but I kept on forgetting. Sasagot na sana si Marcus nung maka-rinig na naman kami ng sitsit mula sa kabilang aisle. Grabe, ang sungit!

Without talking, sabay kaming naglakad ni Marcus papalabas. The whole library was filled with students whose faces were buried in their books. Medyo matagal pa pero ramdam na dito iyong finals.

Sabay kaming naglalakad palabas ng lib dahil wala na talagang space dito. Bigla lang kaming napa-tigil nung nag-alarm iyong book alarm system. Sa sobrang lakas, napa-tingin sa amin lahat nung nagrereview.

Nanlalaki iyong mga mata ko. I could feel everyone’s eyes on us!

“Fuck,” rinig kong mura ni Marcus. He looked at me. “Una ka na,” he said.

“Ha? Bakit?”

“Nalagay ko sa bag ko ’yung libro,” sabi niya. Hala, oo nga. Basta niya lang pinasok sa bag niya iyong binabasa niyang libro kanina.

“Bakit mo nilagay?” I asked.

He looked at me like he was contemplating, but just said, “Labas ka na. Kakausapin ko lang ’yung librarian.”

I bit my lower lip. “Sure ka? Samahan na lang kita…” I said. Ayoko naman na iwan siya kahit na sobrang awkward dahil pinagtitinginan kami. Sobrang lakas naman kasi nung alarm! Akala mo milyones ang presyo ng mga libro dito sa lib.

“No, I’ll handle this,” seryosong sabi niya kaya wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang lumabas na. Paglabas ko, naka-silip ako sa glassdoor at kita ko na kinakausap nga niya iyong librarian. I frowned dahil nagtatawanan na silang dalawa, samantalang kapag ako kausap nung librarian na ’yun parang badtrip siya lagi.

While waiting for Marcus, nagreply na si Matt.

From: Matt

Tapos na practice. Ano’ng sasabihin mo?

I stared at his text for a while, thinking about what to reply. Napa-tigil lang ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ko na bumukas iyong pintuan. I threw my phone inside my bag.

“Ayos na?” I asked.

He nodded. “Nagsorry lang ako,” he said.

“Bakit mo ba kasi pinasok sa bag mo?” nag-aalala na sabi ko kasi President pa naman siya ng Student Council kaya syempre kahit papaano may reputation siya na iniingatan.

“Basta…” sabi niya.

I frowned. “Ano nga? Sabay kaya tayo pinagtinginan…”

He looked at me. “Gusto mo talagang malaman?” he asked.

I nodded. “Kaya nga nagtatanong, ’di ba?”

“Natataranta ako kapag nandyan ka. ’Di ako makapag-isip nang tama. Kaya kapag may nasabi akong katangahan, ’wag mo na lang pansinin,” sabi niya habang diretso na naka-tingin sa mga mata ko.

Napaawang iyong labi ko. Gusto kong bumitiw sa tingin niya, pero hindi ko magawa. Parang paulit-ulit na naririnig ko iyong bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig niya.

Paulit-ulit.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko o kung paano ko puputulin iyong tinginan namin. It felt like I was stuck in a continuum, and there’s no escaping it.

“Joey!”

Natigil ang tinginan namin ni Marcus nang may maramdaman akong umakbay sa akin. I turned my head, and saw Matt grinning at Marcus. Napa-pikit ako. God, wala akong energy mangsaway ng mga lalaking nagpapayabangan ngayon.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I asked.

“Di ka agad nagreply. Hinanap na kita,” he said, then turned his attention to Marcus again. “Nandito ka na naman?”

Kinurot ko si Matt sa tagiliran niya tapos inalis ko iyong akbay niya sa akin. I looked at Marcus apologetically. “Ah… una na kami?” I said, instead. I didn’t want to cause him more trouble. Muntik na nga siya pagkamalan na nagnakaw ng libro dahil sa ’kin tapos aawayin pa siya nila Matt? No way.

I didn’t know if it was a look of disappointment, but Marcus just nodded. I bit my lower lip as I watch him get farther and farther from my sight.

“I know mas boto ka kay Psalm, but please ’wag naman ganon, Matt. Ang bastos lang,” seryosong sabi ko sa kanya. Kasi kahit ’di nila sa ’kin ginagawa, parang nararamdaman ko kapag niyayabangan nila si Marcus. Tapos iyong isa ’di naman lumalaban. Naiinis ako.

Matt just shrugged. “Ano ’yung sasabihin mo?”

Umiling ako. “Wala.”

“Come on, ano nga? Tumakas pa ako sa practice para dito,” he said.

I sighed. “Magsosorry lang sana ako ’dun sa huling nasabi ko sa ’yo. I thought I was too harsh with what I said. Gusto ko lang i-clarify…”

Matt nodded. “Gusto mong bumawi?” he asked.

“Ha?”

He grinned. “Championship na bukas. Nood ka?”

I was about to say yes kasi syempre kaibigan ko pa rin naman sila. Of course I’d watch. Kahit ano mang mangyari sa amin ni Psalm, ’di naman madadamay sila Matt doon. I’d try my best para hindi sila madamay.

“That’s our last game, Jo,” sabi ni Matt na nagpapaawa.

Natawa ako. “Manonood naman talaga ako, but go on, beg.”

Natawa din si Matt tapos ginulo iyong buhok ko. Sabay naglakad papunta sa classroom. Habang naglalakad kami, nakita ko na nakaupo sa isang bench si Kia. She was listening to something while reading a book.

“Nasa gym pa si Psalm,” Matt suddenly said.

“Di ko naman tinatanong.”

“Obvious mo, e,” he replied. “Weekly report. Birthday ng Papa ni Kia nung isang araw at invited ang buong GDL, pero ’di pumunta si Psalm.”

“So? May nagtatanong ba?”

Tumawa si Matt. “Sobrang halata mo, Joey,” sabi niya. Inirapan ko siya. “Alam mo kung bakit ’di pumunta si Psalm?”

I shrugged. “Malay ko? At saka pakielam ko?”

“Sabi kasi namin, kung ano iyong nararamdaman niya kapag nakikita niya si Marcus at ikaw na magkasama, malamang ganoon din ’yung nararamdaman mo kapag nakikita mo sila na magkasama.”

“Ang kapal!” sabi ko.

He laughed. “Pero seryoso, ’di na kinakausap ni Psalm si Kia. Minsan na lang kasi ang kulit ’din nun, e.”

I glared at him. “Sinabi mo talaga sa kanya na nagseselos ako kay Kia?!” tanong ko dahil nag-init bigla iyong ulo ko kay Matt. Gusto ko ulit siyang kalbuhin kagaya nung hairstyle niya nung first year niya sa basketball team!

“Siya na lang tanungin mo kung sinabi ko nga,” Matt said, pointing at my back. Bago pa man ako maka-lingon, narinig ko na iyong boses niya .

“Joey, can we talk?”

Chapter 35

#ABNQ35 Chapter 35

I froze.

I felt my whole body stiffen at the mere sound of his voice. Ni hindi ko na siya kailangang makita para magkaroon ako ng ganitong reaction. His mere voice was enough to send my system into a state of frenzy.

And it’s really frightening.

It’s frightening how much control he has over me.

Na ganito pa lang, pero ganito na agad ako.

“So… I gotta run,” Matt said. My eyes were still wide open, my heart beating furiously inside my chest. Pakiramdam ko, dahan-dahan na nahihirapan akong huminga. Na unti-unting nanginginig iyong sistema ko dahil alam ko na nandyan siya.

Matt wrinkled his nose as he looked at me. “Makinig muna bago sumabat, okay?” he said, tousling my hair before really leaving me. Alone. With him.

Fuck.

Fuck!

Hindi ko alam iyong gagawin ko. Naka-talikod pa rin ako sa kanya, pero ramdam na ramdam ko na nandyan siya. Na ni hindi ko magawang gumalaw dahil masyado akong apektado na nandito siya. Na gusto niya akong kausapin.

“Joey…” he said again. Parang napihit ko iyong hininga ko dahil lang sa narinig ko iyong boses niya. Sobrang unfair. Bakit ganito? Bakit ang sakit? Pero bakit kahit ang sakit, ayokong umalis?

I didn’t want to run.

I wanted to stay.

I wanted to listen.

But words failed me now that I needed them the most. I couldn’t verbalize how I was feeling because my own heart was betraying me. I couldn’t understand how I was feeling, just the state of frenzy Psalm’s presence was bringing me to.

“If you don’t want to talk, I won’t force you… but can you at least listen?” sabi niya. Parang mas lalong sumikip iyong dibdib ko sa paraan ng pagsasalita niya. Na parang nahihirapan na siya. Na parang nasasaktan na siya.

Pero siya lang ba?

Nasasaktan din ako.

“Can you at least give me that? Because fuck, Joey, I’m going out of my mind thinking I’m losing you to someone else.”

Mariin kong pinikit iyong mga mata ko kahit ang dami kong gustong isagot sa sinabi niya. Pero tama si Matt. Kailangan kong makinig. Kailangan kong malaman kung ano iyong iniisip ni Psalm kasi… kasi shit ang hirap! Ang hirap na lagi ko siyang nakikita. Ang hirap na nakikita ko siya pero pinipigilan ko na kausapin siya kasi… kasi ang fucked up ng situation.

Gusto ko siya. Gusto niya ako. Pero hindi ganoon kadali. Laging wrong timing. Laging may mali. Laging may pero.

“I know… I know I said that I’d respect your decision when you said no… but it’s hard, Joey. God, it’s hard because I see you everyday. I hear your voice everyday. I think about you everyday. But I always have to remind myself to stop because you already said no.”

Bigla siyang huminto.

Gusto kong humarap para makita iyong mukha niya.

“I always had to remind myself that you already said no. I wanted to respect that. I didn’t want to pursue you without your consent… but God, Joey… I just wanna fucking throw every decency I have whenever I’d see you with him. Kasi bakit sa kanya pwede? Bakit sa kanya parang ayos lang? Bakit hindi sa ’kin? Bakit hindi ko na lang ipilit ’yung sarili ko sa ’yo? Bakit ’di na lang kita habulin kahit sinabi mo na na hindi? Bakit ba sineseryoso ko nung sinabi mo na ayaw mo? Bakit hindi ko na lang ipagpilitan ’yung sarili ko?”

My hands were shaking as I listened to his every word.

“Joey…”

I stood there, waiting for his next word. Sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko habang hinihintay siya. Pinikit ko iyong mga mata ko kasi sumisikip iyong dibdib ko sa bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig niya.

“Joey…” he said, as my mouth went agape upon the realization that he’s near. I opened my eyes and saw him in front of me. Mas lalong sumikip iyong dibdib ko.

“Joey, if you’re giving him a chance, can you give me a chance, too? I promise I won’t waste it. I promise I—”

“Psalm,” I said, cutting him off. But even before I could say a word, his jaw clenched as if he was restraining himself. For a moment, he closed his eyes as if he was having a hard time deciding.

“Joey, please,” hirap na hirap na sabi niya. “Please don’t make me beg for a chance… because I will.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko sa sinabi niya.

“I will beg for that. I will beg for you. I will beg that you let me be with you because the thought of you with someone else is killing me. I don’t care if I sound selfish right now but I only want you with me. I hate seeing you with someone else. I hate someone else making you smile. I hate you looking at someone else. Gusto ko ako lang.”

I bit my lower lip as I stared at him. He looked at me, too. Pareho kaming nakakulong sa tingin ng isa’t-isa habang hinihintay na may magsalita muli.

“Psalm…” I said, giving in. I hated seeing him like this. I hate us being like this.

It used to be so easy.

We used to be so easy.

“Paano… paano kapag hindi nagwork out? I don’t want to lose you like I did with Steele. Psalm, when I lost Steele as a friend, I hated it…. Pero ikaw? I don’t even want to think about it.”

Psalm took a step forward. My heart lunged.

“Why do you keep thinking about us not working out?”

“Because it’s a possibility.”

“It’s one of the possibility, Joey. Didn’t you also think that it’s possible that we’d work out? That we’d be happy? Didn’t you think about that?”

“Psalm—”

“I know you’re scared, but I’m scared, too, Joey. The only difference is that I’m willing to gamble if it means a chance to be with you.”

“Paano nga kapag hindi nagwork?”

“We’ll cross the bridge when we get there,” he said then took another step forward. My chest tightened at the proximity. He’s so near. “Joey, I’d rather take the risks now than to regret the uncertainty of what ifs if I don’t try now.”

Inangat ko iyong tingin ko sa kanya. Kitang-kita ko kung gaano siya ka-seryoso sa mga sinasabi niya ngayon.

“We’d be happy together, Joey…” he said.

“Psalm…” banggit ko sa pangalan niya dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Gusto ko, pero natatakot ako. Natatakot ako kasi paano kapag hindi? Natatakot ako na mawala siya sa ’kin. Natatakot ako na sumubok.

“Take a risk with me?”

I bit my lower lip. “Okay,” I conceded.

Napaawang iyong labi niya. “Okay?” parang hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong.

Tumango ako.

---

I said okay but I knew that Psalm felt the uncertainty in my voice… and the fear. Because I was really scared of what this would bring us. I was scared of a lot of things, but most of all losing him. I knew seeing him with someone else was killing me, but the thought of not seeing him would be too much to bear. I didn’t know which was worse, but I did know that I did not want him gone from my life.

Sa sobrang lalim ng buntong-hininga ko, napansin ni Jax.

“Ano’ng oras ka papasok?” he asked. Kapag wala si Mama, si Jax ang nagger ko tungkol sa school.

“Walang class today,” I replied. Ngayon na kasi iyong championship ng basketball, and our school’s fighting for four-peat kaya naka-ready na iyong bonfire mamaya. Nagsimula lang naman magchampion ulit iyong SCA nung pumasok ’yung GDL sa team.

“May tanong ulit ako,” I said.

“If it’s about your love life, “ he said, and used air quotes, “Wala ka bang ibang makausap? Bakit ako? Magkapatid tayo. Lalaki ako. Ang awkward.”

Natawa ako. Panandaliang gumaan iyong pakiramdam ko. Halos isang buong araw na akong hindi mapakali dahil sa huling usap namin ni Psalm. Siguro maging thankful na lang ako dahil busy siya sa championship ng basketball kaya hindi na rin niya ako ulit nakausap.

Or maybe because he was giving me space.

Because even though I wanted what he wanted, I was afraid. I am someone with many questions. I am someone who overthinks everything. I am someone who’s unwilling to lose someone as precious as him…

Pero hanggang kailan ako matatakot?

“Kinausap ako ni Psalm. Sabi niya subukan daw namin. Gusto ko, pero natatakot ako. Ano’ng gagawin ko?”

Jax sighed na parang pagod na pagod na siya. “Joey, the fact that you’re scared means this is something you really care about.”

“Pero paano kapag ’di nagwork out?”

“Then it didn’t. Charge it to experience. Move on. At least it happened. At least you wouldn’t go on living while thinking about what could’ve happened,” he said.

I chewed on my lower lip. “Bakit ang complicated?”

Jax opened his book again. “It’s not. You’re the one who’s complicated.”

---

Kitty was bombarding me with texts. She was asking me kung nasaan na ako. The game was about to start, and it’s been our tradition since first year na manood ng championship game. Hindi kasi namin napapanood lahat ng game, kaya kapag championship, nanonood talaga kami.

I took my time. I took a bath and fixed myself. I stared at myself on the mirror for quite some time.

“You’re the one who’s complicated,” I said as I stared at myself. “You like him. He likes you. This can be easy, Joey…”

Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses kong kinausap iyong sarili ko bago ako napanatag. Pumunta na ako sa school. Halos malukot na iyong shirt ko dahil sa hawak ng higpit ko sa dulo nito.

“Go, SCA! Go, GDL! Lalo na kay Saint ng buhay ko!”

Halos mabingi ako pagpasok ko pa lang sa gym. I had forgotten how high the energy of the people was whenever it’s about the basketball team. But even the energy inside the gym wasn’t enough to calm the nerves inside me.

Kitty was texting me the entire time, telling me that she reserved a spot for me. We were seated near the bench of the players. Mabilis akong nagpunta doon. Mabilis ding nanlaki iyong mga mata niya nang nakita niya ako.

“You’re…” natigilan niyang sabi.

I nodded, and smiled. “Yeah…” Tanging awang ng labi lang ang nasagot niya. “Nagsisimula na ba iyong game?”

Pero bago pa man maka-sagot si Kitty, biglang nagtama iyong mga mata namin ni Psalm. Kitang-kita ko kung paano napako sa akin iyong tingin niya… at nang mapagtanto niya kung ano iyong nangyayari.

Psalm in the middle of the court while holding the ball, but upon seeing me, upon realizing what was happening, he immediately let go of the ball and ran towards me.

“What—why—shit, what’s happening?” nagkakagulo niyang tanong nung makalapit siya sa akin. “Are you… are you wearing my jacket?” tanong niya habang naka-tingin sa suot ko.

I bit my lower lip, and nodded. Bahagya akong tumalikod para ipakita iyong nakalagay sa likod na Gomez de Liaño. He lent this to me before, but I never got the chance to return it. I thought it would be a good way to tell him that I was on board. By wearing his name. It felt like shouting to the world that we’re doing this. Together.

“Does this mean—shit, Joey. What’s happening?” nagpapanic na sabi niya pa rin.

Napa-ngiti na ako. I nodded. “I know I already said yes, but that was a confused yes. Now, I’m giving you a solid yes.”

Mas lalong napaawang iyong labi niya. “You mean—”

“I mean, no more getting scared, no more overthinking. Just you and me. We’ll tell our friends later. I don’t want this to be a secret. We’ll do this right, okay?” sabi ko sa kanya habang mataman na naka-tingin sa mga mata niya.

I was only making this complicated.

But I was done with that.

I wanted this easy.

He bit his lower lip. “Just be with me, and we’ll do whatever you want.”

Chapter 36

#ABNQ36 Chapter 36

Psalm was biting his lower lip so hard na medyo nagworry ako na baka dumugo na iyong labi niya. Pero at the same time, gusto ko ring matawa… Ganito ba kiligin si Psalm? Sobrang halata na pinipigilan niya kasi ang daming tao, e.

“Balik ka na dun…” I said. The game was about to start and I also could hear his brothers calling his name.

“But you’re serious, right?” ulit niya.

I rolled my eyes. “Oo nga,” sabi ko kasi kanina pa kami paulit-ulit. Tanong siya nang tanong kung seryoso daw ba talaga ako at hindi nagjojoke. Mag-e-effort pa ba akong pumunta dito at isuot iyong varisity jacket niya (for the entire school population to see) kung hindi ako seryoso?

“Alright…” he said, nodding his head. He took a step back, but his eyes were still on me. Like he was afraid that I’d vanish if he blinks.

Natawa ako. “Go,” I said. “Tinatawag ka na nila,” sabi ko kasi ngayon, coach naman nila iyong tumatawag sa pangalan niya. Psalm didn’t even turn around nung sinigaw ng coach iyong Gomez de Liaño. Pati number niyang #16 sinigaw na rin ni Coach, pero diretso pa rin sa akin iyong tingin ni Psalm.

“We’ll talk. After the game.”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“You’ll wait for me.”

I nodded again. “Yes.”

He still stared, not minding that his coach was already sounding mad dahil hindi siya pinapansin ni Psalm. Ang pasaway din ng Broccoli na ’to.

“Stay where you’re seated,” he reminded.

“Opo,” sabi ko kasi parang si Papa na siya na maraming bilin. Sinabi na nga na naiintindihan ko pero ang kulit.

He groaned. “Don’t use opo. It’s dangerously distracting,” sabi niya. Inirapan ko na lang siya. Mabuti na lang at maingay dito sa gym kaya wala masyadong nakakarinig ng mga lumalabas sa bibig niya. “I’ll see you later, okay?” he asked again. I nodded. “Okay?”

“Oo nga, ang kulit. Bumalik ka na ’dun at baka magbago na talaga ang isip ko sa kulit mo,” sabi ko. Natakot yata kaya tumakbo na pabalik sa bench nila. Pagbalik niya, kitang-kita ko na pinapagalitan siya ng coach nila pero ang magaling na Broccoli, naka-ngiti lang kahit halos mapatid na iyong litid ng coach nila kakasigaw sa kanya.

I shook my head while smiling. Bumalik na ako sa pwesto namin ni Kitty. She was eyeing me pagbalik ko.

“So… kayo na?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Maybe? I don’t know. We’ll talk about it after the game,” I replied. Kitty just nodded, not saying anything at all. It kinda freaked me out because she’s usually very opinionated about things like this. But right now, she looked like she’s pondering on something.

But I didn’t ask her. This thing with Psalm, I wanted this to be easy. I chose this to be easy. I promised I wouldn’t overthink things, and for once, just try to enjoy things.

When the game officially started, I quietly sat there and watch. The game was good, but my eyes mainly were just watching the running Broccoli on the court. Kahit ’di talaga ako mahilig sa basketball, napapapalakpak ako tuwing nakaka-shoot si Psalm. At tuwing ang lakas ng sigaw at palakpak para sa kanya, naiisip ko kung ano ba ang nagustuhan niya sa ’kin? Because frankly, he could get whoever he wants.

I mean, he’s a Gomez de Liaño for crying out loud!

“Ayos ka lang?” I asked Kitty who remained silent during the entire game. I was just worried baka may iba siyang iniisip.

She shook her head, and smiled. “Okay lang. Napuyat lang ako sa binasa ko kagabi,” she said, then showed me her usual grin. “So… aalis ba tayo after the game or may date kayo ni Psalm?”

Bigla akong namula sa tanong niya. It felt… weird?

“H-ha?” nauutal kong tanong kasi hindi ko talaga alam kung paano sasagutin. I mean, do I say yes? Do I say no? Paano ba? Hindi ako sanay sa ganito kasi dati pumupuslit lang naman kami ni Steele.

Kitty laughed. “Cute mo,” she said. “If may date kayo, okay lang naman. Gusto ko na rin umuwi kasi inaantok na ako, e,” she said, then yawned. Medyo gumaan iyong loob ko kasi akala ko talaga may problema siya sa amin ni Psalm.

Sasagot na sana ako nang marinig ko na may tumawag sa akin.

“So… that’s my cue,” Kitty said, looking behind me. Hindi pa man siya nagsasalita, alam ko na agad kung sino iyong nasa likod ko. Mabilis akong napahawak sa dibdib ko. Ramdam ko iyong unti-unting pagbilis nito dahil lang alam ko na nasa malapit siya.

Nang makaalis si Kitty, tumalikod na ako. Nakita ko si Psalm sa harap ko.

“May awarding pa,” I said. Nasa gitna kasi ng court iyong mga players tapos iaannounce na kung sino iyong MVP pati part ng Mythical Five. Tapos itong lalaking ’to, nandito.

“It’s fine. Can we talk now?” sabi niya.

Biglang tinawag iyong pangalan niya. Part pala siya ng Mythical Five.

“Pumunta ka nga ’dun!” sabi ko sa kanya kasi dalawang beses na tinawag iyong pangalan niya, pero walang pumupunta sa gitna para kunin iyong trophy. Ang kulit nito!

Psalm groaned again. “Fine. But I’ll be back.”

I nodded. “Oo nga. Dito lang ako. Promise,” I said, even raising my hand para maniwala na siya. May pagdududa pa rin sa mga mata ni Psalm, pero napilitan na siyang bumalik sa court dahil mukhang bibigyan niya na talaga ng atake sa puso iyong coach nila.

Utak broccoli talaga.

I watched as Psalm jogged back to the court. Inabot sa kanya iyong trophy tapos tumayo sila sa gitna. Saint got the MVP award, and it was well-deserved. Grabe rin kasi talaga si Saint maglaro, akala mo doon nakasalalay ang buhay niya.

After the quick picture taking, nakita ko na naman si Psalm na naglalakad pabalik sa pwesto ko. Nag-aalisan na iyong ibang mga tao. Iyong iba naman, nagpapapicture sa mga players. I could even see some girls approaching Psalm para magpapicture. Gusto kong matawa kasi halata sa mukha ni Psalm na conflicted siya kung papayag siya o pupuntahan niya agad ako. But since he’s Psalm, he agreed to take pictures first.

“Sorry, I got sidetracked,” he said. There were still sweat beads on his forehead, and it was awfully cold inside the gym. Baka magkasakit siya. I got the towel inside my bag, and handed it to him.

“Punasan mo ’yung pawis mo, baka magkasakit ka,” I said.

Instead of immediately getting the towel from my hand, naka-tingin lang siya sa ’kin. Tapos halata na nagpipigil ng ngiti.

“Ano?” tanong ko kasi naka-tingin lang talaga siya sa ’kin. Tapos ayaw pang kunin iyong towel. Kapag talaga siya natuyuan niyan ng pawis! Malapit pa naman na iyong finals kaya bawal na magkasakit.

“Nothing…” he said, finally getting the towel from my hand. “It just feels nice to have someone take care of me.”

I pursed my lips kasi ang epal niya. “Di ka ba inalagaan nung bata ka?”

Psalm frowned. “Tss,” sabi niya tapos pinunasan na lang niya iyong pawis niya. Pinigilan kong matawa kasi halata na frustrated siya sa ’kin. Kasi naman… ewan ko. Gets ko naman na mutual iyong feelings namin, pero it’s still weird.

It’s weird to say sweet things to him.

To Psalm.

To someone who used to be just my friend.

I still couldn’t comprehend what exactly changed.

“Psalm,” biglang tawag ng isang teammate niya sa kanya. “Pool Club later,” he continued. Psalm just nodded, then looked back at me.

Biglang lumitaw sa isip ko iyong huling party na nakita ko si Psalm. Iyong may kasayaw siyang iba. Iyong may Kath na sumasayaw pababa sa kanya.

Alam ko biglang sumama agad iyong itsura ko.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.

Umiling ako. Ano naman ang sasabihin ko? Na ayaw kong pumunta siya sa mismong Victory Party nila kasi baka kung sino na naman sayawan niya? Sabi pa naman ni Matt grabe si Psalm kapag nalasing.

Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti.

“Nothing,” I replied. I tried to smile, but maybe it came out as a grimace because now, Psalm looked genuinely concerned about me. Ayoko naman sabihin na ayoko siyang papuntahin kasi parang sobrang immature naman nun. At saka parang sobrang wala naman akong tiwala sa kanya?

At saka ayokong maging girlfriend na pinagbabawalan sa lahat iyong partner nila. Kasi kahit ako mismo, ayoko na pagbawalan ako ni Psalm sa mga gusto kong gawin.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

I nodded, though the image of a drunken Psalm dancing with someone else kept on flooding my mind.

---

Psalm quickly changed first bago kami umalis. We were delayed for a little while dahil naharang ng mga babae si Psalm nung papalabas kami. I kept on inhaling deep breaths habang kung saan-saan hinahawakan si Psalm nung mga babaeng nagpapapicture sa kanya. I kept on reminding myself na ’wag akong parang tanga.

“Where do you want to go?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Di pa namn ako gutom. Saan mo gusto?”

“I’m good whenever you wanna go, Joey,” he said, his hands gripping on the wheel.

“Saan mo ba gusto?” I asked kasi hindi naman talaga ako nagugutom. Siya ’tong nagtatakbo sa court kaya malamang siya iyong gutom.

He shrugged. “Anywhere. You’re the boss,” he said.

“So, ganito? Ako ang masusunod palagi?” I asked, arching my brows because he’s being ridiculous. Pipili na lang ng kakainan, e!

Bumaling si Psalm sa akin. He was looking at me… intently. I shifted on my seat because of the way he was looking at me. Na para bang gusto niya akong tunawin.

“I told you. I just need you with me. I don’t care about anything else anymore.”

I bit my lower lip so hard to stop myself from smiling. Ang ewan! Nakakainis! Bakit sa kanya parang ang dali lang magsabi ng ganito? Bakit ako feeling baka maiyak muna ako sa harap niya bago ako makapagsabi ng mga ganoong bagay?

We originally went to a samgyupsal place, pero nakita agad namin si Saint pati iyong girlfriend niya kaya lumipat kami ng ibang kakainan. Ang awkward kasi seryoso yata iyong pag-uusapan namin ni Psalm, so we both preferred to go somewhere na wala kaming kakilala.

“Mamaya na tayo mag-usap. Kumain ka muna,” sabi ko sa kanya. And like a kid, Psalm nodded and began eating. Tahimik lang siyang kumakain habang patingin-tingin sa akin na para ba talagang mawawala na lang ako bigla.

After he was done eating, we both just stared at each other.

“You said we’ll tell our friends,” panimula niya. I nodded. “When?”

“Hindi ko alam. Kailan mo ba gusto?”

“I just want you comfortable with every decision we’d make,” sabi niya. Nakagat ko na naman iyong ibabang labi ko dahil sa sinabi niya. We’d make. May we na pala talaga.

I nodded. “Uhh… sasabihin na ba agad natin? Pwedeng next week na lang?”

He nodded. “Yeah, of course,” he replied. “Anything else you want to say? Or to make me do?”

I bit my lower lip, and stifled a laugh. “Grabe, para namang alipin kita d’yan sa pagsasabi mo.”

An amused expression was on his face. Nasa ibabaw ng mesa iyong kamay ko. Halos tumalon mula sa dibdib ko iyong puso ko nang abutin niya iyon, at saka hawakan.

“Joey…” malambing na sabi niya. Slowly, he intertwined our fingers, and I could do nothing but to watch it. My heart was being wild inside my chest. My heart felt like bursting with emotion with just this simple gesture.

“I know you’re not used to this, but thank you for trying,” sabi niya habang hawak ang kamay ko. “I won’t force you to do things, but let me do things like this with you.”

Iniangat ko iyong mga mata ko, at sa kanya naman tumingin. I still couldn’t believe that this was happening. That I was with Psalm. Si Psalm na hindi ko masyadong kinakausap nung first year kami kasi akala ko hindi marunong magsalita ng Tagalog. Iyong iniiwasan ko dati kasi parang mayabang pero hindi naman pala. Iyong lalaki na kahit hindi kami sobrang close, hindi nakakalimot bumati at magbigay ng regalo tuwing birthday ko.

It’s amazing how far we’ve come.

“We’ll do this one step at a time. For now, let’s just hold hands… Is that okay?”

I nodded, feeling my face flushed. “O-okay.”

---

We finished at about 8:30. Hinatid ako ni Psalm sa bahay. Mabuti na lang wala sila Papa dahil nasa trabaho pa yata. Though Jax saw Psalm’s car dahil kakauwi niya lang galing school.

“You want me to talk to Jax?” Psalm asked.

Umiling ako. “No, ako na. At saka may pupuntahan ka pang ano ’di ba… ’Yung victory party?” sabi ko kahit parang ang pait sa dila nung salitang victory party.

“I can ditch,” he said.

“Parang tanga ’to. Ikaw kaya captain.”

“I’m their captain, but you’re my captain,” he said, staring directly at my eyes.

Kinurot ko siya bigla. “Ang ewan mo!” sabi ko habang pinipigilan na naman iyong sarili ko na mangiti sa sinabi niya. Ang ewan talaga! Daming alam!

“But seriously, I can ditch the party… Or you want to come with me?” he asked. Mabilis akong umiling. Pag pumunta ako doon, panigurado mababadtrip lang ako sa dami ng babae na magpapapansin kay Psalm. Tapos kapag nabadtrip ako, baka mabadtrip din si Psalm. Ayoko naman na sirain iyong gabi niya kasi champion sila sa basketball.

“No, ayos lang ako. Enjoy ka,” I said, smiling this time. I wanted Psalm to enjoy. He deserved that. I should work on my own issues, and not ruin Psalm’s night. Besides, if I couldn’t trust him, ano’ng sense na magkasama kami? Palagi lang ba akong mapaparanoid tuwing wala siya?

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow?”

“Baka may hangover ka,” I said.

“I won’t drink,” he said.

I frowned. “Uminom ka kung gusto mo. Just because we’re together now, ’di mo na gagawin ’yung mga gusto mo. Ayoko ng ganon.”

Psalm bit his lower lip, fighting a smile. “Yes, Cap.”

I rolled my eyes. “Tss. Sige na. Enjoy ka. If nalasing, ’wag magdrive pauwi.”

Psalm insisted on waiting until I get inside bago siya nagdrive paalis. I told him not to text me while he’s driving. Pagpasok ko sa loob, agad kong nakita si Jax.

“What?” sabi ko dahil naka-tingin siya sa ’kin.

Umiling siya. “Nothing. Tulog ka na.”

Pag-akyat ko sa kwarto, sinubukan kong matulog. Sobrang sinubukan ko talaga kaya lang hindi ako maka-tulog! Para bang palabas na laging nagfa-flashback sa isip ko iyong nangyari dati. Na may kasayaw si Psalm. Na baka may kausap na naman siya sa fire exit.

Paano kapag nandun si Kia?

Paano kapag nandun si Kath?

Paano kapag may bagong letter K?

“Ugh!” I said, rolling on my bed dahil hindi talaga ako makatulog! Naupo na lang ako. I tried watching FRIENDS para kahit papaano e mahimasmasan ako. I tried to entertain myself, but at around 3am, I finally gave in.

“Aalis ka?” sabi ni Jax. Nasa sala pa rin pala siya, at nag-aaral.

I nodded. “Yeah…” I said, getting the keys from the holder. “Wag mong sabihin kay Mama, ha?”

“San ka pupunta?”

I sighed. “Sa Pool Club. Sisilip lang ako tapos uuwi agad ako.”

Natawa si Jax. “Paranoid,” he said, then walked towards me, and got the key from my hand. “I’ll drive.”

“Seryoso? Nag-aaral ka pa, e.”

“It’s alright. Bibili na rin akong kape,” sabi niya tapos lumabas na kaming dalawa. I was grasping on my phone while we were on the way. Kanina pa iyong huling text sa akin ni Psalm na nasa Pool Club na raw siya. I told him to enjoy, and to stop texting me tapos hindi na nga nagtext!

Pagdating namin doon, I frowned dahil ayaw akong papasukin nung guard. By invite lang daw kasi iyong party kaya hindi ako pwedeng papasukin. I tried calling Psalm, pero cannot be reached na siya ngayon. Sila Matt naman, hindi sumasagot.

“Baka umuwi na,” Jax said, trying to pacify me.

“Paano kapag wala?”

“Tignan muna natin. Ang paranoid mo,” sabi ni Jax bago nagsimulang magdrive papunta sa bahay nila Psalm. Pagdating namin doon, naharang na agad kami ng sandamakmak na guards sa bahay nila.

“Uh, Joey po—”

“Cleared na po kayo, Ma’am,” naka-ngiting sabi nung guard. Kumunot agad iyong noo ko dahil dati naman, nagbibigay pa kami ng ID tuwing pupunta dito kasi nga grabe talaga security. “Dinagdag na po kayo sa list, Ma’am. Congrats po sa inyo ni Sir Psalm. Mabait po ’yun.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

“Part of the family ka na pala,” nanunukso na sabi ni Jax habang automatic na bumubukas iyong gate. Pinigilan ko na lang iyong sarili ko kasi… gosh, Psalm Christian! Wala pa kaming one day, pero kung anu-ano na pinaparamdam niya sa ’kin!

Paghinto ni Jax sa harap ng pinto, huminga ako nang malalim.

“Paano kung wala siya dito?” kinakabahang tanong ko. Jax looked like he’s about to drop some bomb of truth again kaya mabilis na akong lumabas sa sasakyan. Naglalakad pa lang ako papunta sa pintuan, nagulat ako nang lumabas si Psalm. Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi niya.

“Joey?” sabi niya tapos kinusot pa iyong mga mata niya. Mabilis siyang napa-tingin sa relos niya. “What are you doing here?”

I stood in front of him, my hands slightly shaking.

“Sabi mo ako ’yung masusunod, ’di ba?” I asked, and he nodded. “Okay lang na magparty ka, pero isama mo ako. O kapag hindi ako, basta kasama mo sila Matt. O basta magparty ka, pero magtext ka naman, bwisit ka! Mamamatay na ako kakaisip kung may sinasayawan ka na naman!” mabilis na sabi ko na halos maubusan na ako ng hininga dahil gusto ko na talagang ilabas lahat.

Psalm’s lips parted, but a smile quickly dawned on his face. “God, Joey, you’re really making me crazy,” he said, then pulled me in a hug… na agad naputol dahil nagulat kaming pareho nang biglang bumusina si Jax.

Chapter 37

#ABNQ37 Chapter 37

“Boyfriend mo,” Jax said. Natigilan ako sa pagkain ko nung sabihin niya iyon.

“Ha?” naguguluhan na sabi ko sa kanya kasi ni wala man lang context iyong sinabi niya!

“Sa labas,” sabi niya ulit tapos iniwan na ako. Tss. Ang sungit! Pagkatapos niya akong halos patayin sa gulat nung bumusina siya! Dahil mukhang wala sa mood si Jax makipag-usap sa akin, lumabas na lang ako.

And true enough, Psalm’s car was there. Bagong sasakyan na naman. Hindi na talaga niya ginamit iyong sasakyan na pinag-iwanan ni Kia nung bangle niya.

“Good morning,” he greeted with a smile pagpasok ko sa sasakyan niya. I was already dressed up kasi papasok naman na talaga ako sa school pagkatapos kong kumain. Hindi ko lang alam kung bakit nandito si Psalm kasi alam ko may training sila tuwing umaga kahit pa tapos na iyong season for this year.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I honestly asked.

“Tss,” he replied. Kinunutan ko siya ng noo kasi parang na-offend siya sa tanong ko! “Masama bang sunduin ’yung girlfriend ko?”

Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. I felt my cheeks heating up because of what he said. Pakiramdam ko never akong masasanay na ganito si Psalm… na ganito siya ka-vocal sa mga gusto niyang sabihin sa ’kin.

“Di ba may training ka?”

He nodded. “Just finished.”

“Tapos nagdrive ka agad dito?” He nodded again. Ako? I bit my lower lip so freaking hard para kunwari wala akong nararamdaman. Kasi ganito ba ’yun? Ganito ba ’yung feeling na ikaw naman iyong ineeffortan? Kasi dati, ako palagi ’yung nag-e-effort. Ako ’yung nagtetext. Ako ’yung nagtatanong kung kailan kami magkikita. Ako ’yung gumagawa ng paraan.

Tapos… tapos biglang ganito.

Ganito pala ’yung feeling.

Pakiramdam ko… pakiramdam ko nakaka-adik ’to.

“Have you eaten breakfast?” he asked.

“Hindi ka pa kumakain?” tanong ko. Umiling siya. Tumingin ako sa relo. Kapag sa resto pa kami kumain, baka ma-late kami. Ako, ’di ko na afford ma-late dahil baka ’di ako maka-graduate sa dami ng absent ko.

I pursed my lips, and looked at him. “Uh… gusto mong kumain sa loob?” dahan-dahan na tanong ko sa kanya. ’Di pa kasi alam nila Papa iyong tungkol sa ’min. Ayoko naman na ma-ambush siya sa loob bigla.

“Are you sure?” he asked back.

“Ano… kung gutom ka na talaga,” sabi ko. Sasabihin ko rin naman talaga kila Papa, pero syempre naghahanap ako ng tamang tyempo. ’Di naman nila alam iyong kay Steele dati. Ngayon pa lang ako magsasabi sa kanila.

Psalm tousled my hair. “We can just go to drive thru,” he said.

“Sure ka?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Told you we’ll do everything at your own pace,” he continued.

“Psh. Ang considerate mo masyado. Baka masanay ako niyan,” sabi ko tapos natawa siya. Nabigla ako nung bigla niya akong hinatak tapos niyakap. Naramdaman ko na hinahagod niya iyong likod ko habang yakap ako. It felt so good. It felt nice to be inside his arms.

“It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered in my ears.

“Wag ka ng magpromise. Gawin mo na lang,” sagot ko sa kanya. I felt him nodding, and tightening the hug.

We hugged for a few minutes. Parang ang tagal kapag inisip, pero kapag nandun ka na, parang ang sandali lang. Natigil lang kami sa pagyayakapan nung kumatok si Jax sa bintana tapos inabot sa akin iyong bag ko. Naiiling na natatawa si Psalm habang nagda-drive palabas ng village.

Dumaan muna kami sa drive thru bago pumasok sa school. Ang daming binili na pagkain ni Psalm! Iisipin mo na hanggang pangdinner na ’yun! Pero sabagay bakit pa ako nagulat? E sa bag pa lang niya akala mo may sari-sari store na, e.

“Di kaya ma-empacho ka niyan?” I asked. Kinunutan lang ako ni Psalm ng noo habang kumakain siya ng burger.

“What?” he asked na parang naguguluhan.

I rolled my eyes. ’Di nga pala masyadong nakakaintindi ’to ng malalalim na Tagalog. Pero kapag mura… lahat yata ng dialect alam.

“Ang dami mong kinain. Baka sumakit tyan mo,” I repeated.

“It’s all right,” he said. “I exercise a lot.”

Habang kumakain siya, kinuha ko iyong tumbler niya tapos inabot sa kanya. Si Psalm na parang tanga, ngiting-ngiti e inabot ko lang naman sa kanya ’yung tumbler!

Nang magtext si Matt na nasa room na ’yung prof namin, nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Mabilis kong sinabi kay Psalm na pumasok na kami kasi ’di talaga ako pwedeng ma-late kasi sagad na sagad na ’yung absences ko sa halos lahat ng subject ko. Gusto ko sanang tumakbo papuntang classroom, pero kapag tumakbo ako, tatakbo din si Psalm. Baka magka-appendicitis naman siya kapag tumakbo.

“Can I hold your hand?” he asked while we were walking towards our building.

“Napaka-weird ng mga tanong mo!”

“So… pwede ba?”

“Baka awayin ako ng fan girls mo,” sabi ko na lang kasi naiilang ako na tinatanong niya pa ako ng ganito! I mean, ’di ba talaga pwede na hawakan niya na lang?! Nakakailang talaga kapag ganito na tinatanong ako ni Psalm palagi sa mga gusto niyang gawin, e!

Agad na kumunot iyong noo niya. “Why? Is there anyone—”

“Wala,” I cut him off.

“Are you sure?” he asked again.

I nodded. Mukhang hindi siya convinced. Humarap ako sa kanya kasi gusto kong pisilin iyong ilong niya sa sobrang kulit niya, pero napansin ko na may mayonnaise na naiwan sa gilid ng labi niya.

And when I halted, Psalm also halted. Na para bang ramdam niya agad iyong gagawin ko. Mabilis kong tinaas iyong kamay ko at pinunasan iyong gilid ng labi niya. Parang slow-mo na nakita ko kung paano umawang iyong labi ni Psalm habang pinapanood ako.

Whatever I do, Psalm seems to always, always be fascinated.

Pero mabilis na napatigil ’yung ginagawa ko nang mahagip ng mga mata ko si Marcus. I was about to smile, and wave at him nang mapansin ni Psalm kung nasaan iyong mga mata ko.

Bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko. Wala naman akong ginagawang masama but… this felt so wrong.

Marcus was looking at us. Para siyang napako sa kinatatayuan niya. Ilang segundo siyang naka-tingin lang sa amin bago siya bahagyang ngumiti, at tumalikod.

Hindi ko alam iyong gagawin ko. Pakiramdam ko dapat kong kausapin si Marcus, pero alam ko rin na dapat manatili ako sa tabi ni Psalm. Kahit hindi ako naka-tingin kay Psalm, ramdam na ramdam ko iyong titig niya sa ’kin.

“Let’s go,” he said, grabbing my hand. He began to walk kaya napa-sunod ako sa kanya. Hindi siya nagsasalita kaya hindi ako makapagsalita. Kasi ano namang sasabihin ko? Sorry dahil nakita tayo ni Marcus? Sorry kasi nakita mo siya?

What was I even sorry about?

Pagdating namin sa classroom, wala iyong prof namin pero may sinasagutan iyong mga classmate namin. Thank God they were all focused on their papers because I really couldn’t handle any more attention right now.

Mauupo sana ako sa bakanteng upuan sa tabi ni Kitty nang maramdaman ko na hawak pa rin ni Psalm iyong kamay ko. I looked at him, questioning why he was still holding my hand kasi ’di ba galit siya sa ’kin? For some fucking reason.

“Sa tabi ako ni Kitty uupo,” I said in the most inaudible way possible because I didn’t want any of our classmates to hear what we’re talking about.

“You’ll sit beside me,” he authoritatively said. Malayong-malayo sa Psalm na kasama ko kanina.

“Ayoko. Galit ka,” matapang na sabi ko. May ilan na na napa-tingin sa amin. Naiinis ako kasi ayoko ng drama in public! Lalo na at alam ko naman na may chismis pa na kami ni Marcus kahit hindi naman talaga.

“I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the situation. There’s a difference,” he said, gently tugging me hanggang sa mapa-sunod na ako sa kanya. Doon kami naupo sa pinaka-dulo, away from the prying eyes and listening ears of our classmates.

Tumayo si Psalm para kumuha ng questionnaire sa table. Inabutan niya ako tapos binigyan din ako ng yellow paper. Kulang na lang pati ballpen ko tanggalan niya rin ng takip. Naka-simangot siya habang ginagawa niya ’yun. Pero hindi daw siya galit sa ’kin.

Psalm was starting to piss me off, but I pushed myself to focus on answering the quiz first. Nangako ako kay Mama na ’di ko papabayaan ’tong Broccoli na ’to na sirain iyong edukasyon ko. Mamaya ko na siya aawayin.

Nang matapos ako, mabilis akong nagpasa ng quiz tapos lumabas na ako agad. Wala pang ilang segundo, naka-sunod na agad sa ’kin si Psalm.

“Bakit ka ba naka-sunod agad? Tapos ka na bang magsagot?” naiinis na tanong ko sa kanya kasi nung nagpasa ako, medyo malayo pa siya sa dulo ng quiz.

“Bakit ka kasi lumabas?”

“Masama ba?”

Psalm pursed his lips, and I could see him breathing deeply. Na para bang nagpipigil siya sa ’kin.

“We were okay earlier. Why are you being like this?” he asked, sounding a bit frustrated. Hindi ako sumagot. Naka-tingin lang ako nang masama sa kanya. “Is it because of Marcus?”

“Puro ka Marcus! Crush mo ba?!” naiinis na sabi ko kasi pinaliwanag ko naman na sa kanya na wala namang kung anuman sa amin ni Marcus! At saka wala namang ginawa si Marcus kanina! Hindi naman lumapit pero itong lalaki na ’to, bwisit na bwisit agad!

May iba ng lumalabas na classmates namin at napa-tingin agad sila sa amin. Bakit ba kasi naghahamon ng away ’tong si Psalm sa gitna ng hallway?!

I began to walk again dahil ayoko na mag-away sa harap ng mga classmate namin. Ramdam na ramdam ko na naka-sunod agad si Psalm sa akin. May pila sa elevator kaya doon ako dumaan sa hagdan.

“Joey,” tawag niya sa akin habang nagcoconcentrate ako sa paghakbang dahil baka mahulog ako sa sobrang inis sa kanya.

“Joey, please,” he said again.

Tuluy-tuloy lang sa pagbaba sa hagdan. Nang mapagod ako, bigla akong huminto. Naka-sunod pa rin si Psalm sa akin.

I stopped, and looked at him.

“Huling beses ko na ’tong sasabihin sa ’yo kaya makinig ka,” sabi ko sa kanya habang seryosong naka-tingin sa mga mata niya. “Walang kami ni Marcus. Wala dati, wala ngayon, at kung titigilan mo ’yang pambu-bwisit sa akin, malamang wala rin kami sa future. Please lang, Psalm, ’wag kang magselos sa kanya kasi wala ka namang dapat ipagselos. Ikaw ’yung kasama ko, ’di ba? Ikaw ’yung gusto ko. ’Di pa ba sapat ’yun? Bakit ka nagseselos?”

Psalm was staring at me. He wasn’t saying anything. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip niya, pero kinuha ko iyong pagkakataon para sabihin sa kanya iyong mga gusto kong sabihin. Kasi ayokong lagi naming pag-awayan ’to.

“I know… I know the feeling of being jealous kasi ’di ba naramdaman ko rin ’yan? Pero ’wag naman nating pag-awayan palagi kasi… kasi baka mapagod tayo. Ayoko ng ganon.”

I didn’t even know if I was still making sense. If I was able to get my message across because I was feeling mad and angry and frustrated.

We were standing there, both staring at each other.

“Okay,” he said after a few seconds.

“Okay?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah…” he lazily said. “I can’t promise not to be jealous, but I’ll try to reign it in.” Sumimangot ako. “That’s the best I can do, Joey. I can’t not be jealous. I’ll always feel afraid that someone will take you away from me.”

“Bakit ba ang takot mo?”

“Because when you finally find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll do everything to keep her,” he said, staring straight into my eyes. “So, don’t expect me not to feel jealous, Joey, because I can’t. I just realize that I’m pretty possessive. I won’t back down when it comes to you. I’ll fight until I can’t anymore.”

I bit my lower lip. “Dami mong alam.”

A lazy smile appeared on his lips. “So, are we okay now?”

I nodded. “Ikaw lang naman. Umaga pa lang inaaway mo na ako.”

And again, he pulled me inside a hug. “It’s okay. I love fighting with you,” he said, planting a kiss on top of my head.

Chapter 38

#ABNQ38 Chapter 38

End of the school year was looming. Ramdam na ramdam ko na iyong pagka-agit nung mga students. Pati ako na normally chill lang sa mga bagay, nape-pressure na rin. I mean, feel ko naman sigurado na iyong graduation ko kasi complete units and requirements naman ako, pero sobrang palpable ng stress nung iba kaya nadadamay na rin ako.

Plus NMAT was really near. So near I could almost breathe it. Okay na ako halos sa lahat ng subjects, pero meron pa rin akong subjects na medyo hindi ako sure. No room for mistake kasi sa NMAT. Kapag hindi maganda iyong nakuha kong grade, hindi ako makaka-pasok sa gusto kong school. I mean, okay naman sa ibang school, pero may gusto talaga akong pasukan.

“Member ka na rin?” tatawa-tawa na sabi ni Matt pagkakita niya sa akin sa gym. Lately kasi, nandito na rin ako madalas. It’s either nandito ako, or kasama ko si Psalm sa library. Basta gusto lang ni Psalm kadikit ko siya lagi. It’s weird, but it’s the nice kind of weird. I mean, who would’ve thought na ganito si Psalm? Clingy pala.

I mimicked his laugh. “E bakit nandito ka rin? Tanggal na kayo, ’di ba?” biro ko sa kanila kasi kagabi iyong turn over ceremony nila sa basketball. Si Austin na iyong official captain. Akala ko nga iiyak si Psalm, e. Sobrang pinaghirapan niya kaya na makapasok sa team! Nung nag-aral kasi siya sa SCA, wala pa namang GDL Bros kung tawagin. Siya kasi iyong pinaka-una kaya siya iyong pinaka-nahirapan.

Sinamaan ako ng tingin ni Matt tapos naupo siya sa tabi ko. “Si Kitty?” he asked.

“Council,” tipid at mahina na sagot ko kasi ayoko na marinig ni Psalm. I mean, there’s nothing there, but that didn’t mean na wala rin kay Psalm. It’s his sore spot, and I was trying to be as gentle as I could. Ako rin kasi hindi ako natutuwa kapag binabanggit niya si Kia. Alam ko naman na walang something sa kanila, but I still didn’t like it. Kaya I was trying my best to extend the same courtesy to Psalm.

“Anj?” he asked.

I shrugged. “May pupuntahan daw, e,” I simply replied. I didn’t bother ask Anj kung saan siya pupunta. Basta kuntento na ako na sinasabi niya sa akin na aalis siya, hindi iyong bigla na lang siyang nawawala.

“Science pa rin ’yan?” Matt asked, looking at what I was reading.

I nodded. “Yeah… Exam ko na sa weekend,” I replied.

“Hassle naman. Finals na next week.”

“Yeah… Tapos may mga ’di pa ako naiintindihan,” sagot ko habang si Psalm, nagpupush-up naman ngayon. Sa totoo lang, ’di ko alam kung bakit nandito kaming dalawa sa gym. Wala naman kasi silang training kasi una, kakatapos lang ng championship. Pangalawa, finals na. Rule na sa school na kapag exam week, halt lahat ng practice ng mga varsity. Kasi first and foremost, acads ang priority dapat.

“Paturo ka kay Tito,” Simon said. Naupo na rin siya sa tabi ko kaya nasa gitna ako ni Simon and Matt. Si Steele naman, nakaupo sa mas mababang bleacher habang ka-text yata si Andrea. Parang tanga minsan si Steele kasi minsan nahuhuli ko na naka-tingin lang sa picture ni Andrea sa phone niya.

“Busy,” sagot ko. May sched si Papa ng opera tapos medyo risky iyong patient kaya halos ’di na siya umuuwi sa bahay. ’Di ko na nga maalala kung kailan ko huling nakita si Papa, e. Buti na lang talaga equally workaholic din si Mama kaya ’di sila nag-aaway kahit ganito na ’di na talaga sila nagkikita minsan. Although sabi naman sa ’kin ni Jax, ’di lang sinasabi ni Mama pero kapag ganito na busy sa operations si Papa, sa hospital din naka-tambay si Mama.

Yuck. Nakaka-suka talaga kapag parents mo ’yung nagpapaka-sweet.

“Paturo ka ’dun sa ano—” sabi ni Matt tapos tinakpan ko agad iyong bibig niya. Nanlaki naman iyong mga mata niya tapos parang tinatanong na what.

“Tumahimik ka nga!” I hissed.

“Grabe!” sabi niya nung natanggal iyong kamay ko sa kanya. “Ang alat ng palad mo, Joey!”

Tinignan ko siya nang masama. Bwisit na ’to! Alam naman niya na sensitive si Psalm doon sa topic tapos sasabihin niya pa! Ayoko nga na nag-e-emote si Psalm kasi mukha siyang broccoli na kinawawa, e. At saka patapos na iyong school year. Ayoko naman na puro naka-simangot na Psalm ang maalala ko.

“E matalino ’yun, ’di ba? Nakita ko kanina sa bulletin, siya lang Magna Cum Laude sa buong engineering department,” Matt said so casually na akala mo nang-aasar talaga. Si Simon naman, napapailing na lang. Ako lang talaga iyong kinakabahan kasi baka marinig ni Psalm.

“Simon, oh!”

Natawa si Simon kasi para akong bata na nagsusumbong. Pero kasi, e! Parang tanga si Matt! Kaibigan niya si Psalm kaya malamang alam niya na mainit dugo nun kay Marcus tapos sasabihin niya pa na magpa-turo ako? Ginagawan niya ako ng away na aayusin, e!

“Di magagalit ’yun,” sabi ni Simon.

“Magagalit ’yun,” biglang sabat ni Steele. Himala na wala sa phone iyong attention niya. Lumingon siya paharap sa amin. “Magseselos ’yun.”

“Hindi siguro,” Simon said. “Parang ’di naman nagagalit si Psalm.”

“Galitin natin,” parang gago na sabi ni Matt habang naka-ngisi. Ugh. Why was I friends with these jerks again? Porke wala na silang practice sa basketball, dami na naman nilang time!

“Gago,” sabi ni Steele. “Di nagagalit sa ’yo ’yun kasi wala namang pakielam sa ’yo.”

“Tangina mo napaka-sakit mo naman magsalita,” sabi ni Matt.

I bit my lip, pinipigilan ko matawa sa pag-uusap nila. Parang nawala na ako sa usapan kasi silang tatlo na lang iyong nagde-debate kung magagalit ba si Psalm kapag nagpa-turo ako kay Marcus.

“Joey.”

Sabay-sabay kaming napa-tingin kay Psalm. Naka-ligo na pala siya kasi naka-suot na lang siya ng white shirt and jersey shorts. Nagpupunas siya ng buhok habang naka-tingin sa akin.

“Psalm, nahihirapan daw si Joey sa Chemistry,” sabi ni Matt. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Papaturo daw siya.” Psalm nodded. “Syempre, hindi sa ’yo kasi ano bang alam mo sa Chem?”

Ugh! Bakit ba walang girlfriend si Matt?! Ang dami niyang energy mang-asar!

Napapailing na lang si Simon and Steele sa mga lumalabas sa bibig ni Matt.

“Pwede daw ba paturo kay Marcus?” he freaking asked! Kitang-kita naming lahat iyong unti-unting pagbabago sa mukha ni Psalm. Na para bang hindi niya nagustuhan iyong sinabi ni Matt, but at the same time, he didn’t want to lose his cool. Kasi he already promised na ’di na siya maiinis kay Marcus.

I could see Psalm gritting his teeth until an unwilling ‘sure’ came out of his mouth. I glared at Matt bago ako tumayo, at saka kinuha iyong mga gamit ko.

“Ito ka,” sabi ko tapos tinaas ko iyong middle finger ko sa kanya. Mabilis akong lumingon kay Psalm. “Hey,” I said para makuha iyong atensyon niya. I could still see how bothered he was. “You done?” He nodded. “Lunch na tayo.” Tumayo sila. “Di kayo invited,” I said.

“Pati kami?” sabi ni Simon habang tinuturo silang dalawa ni Steele.

I nodded. “Magde-date kami,” sabi ko, tapos hinatak ko si Psalm. ’Di ko na pinakinggan iyong sinisigaw nung mga lalaki sa likod ko. Mabilis kong hinatak si Psalm, tapos nilingon ko lang siya nung malapit na kami palabas ng gym. Nakita ko siyang naka-ngisi. “Ano?” I asked because he was grinning still.

“Nothing,” he said while still wearing his grin.

“Parang tanga.”

He bit his lower lip, then wrinkled his nose.

“Ano nga?”

He shrugged. “Magde-date tayo?” sabi niya habang naka-ngiti na akala mo sobrang saya niya.

Inirapan ko. “Lunch lang,” sabi ko. Nawala iyong ngiti sa mukha niya. Ang transparent talaga ng tao na ’to. Sobrang halata kapag masaya siya, sobrang halata din kapag hindi siya masaya sa nangyayari.

“Fine,” sabi niya na parang napipilitan, pero walang balak magreklamo. Hindi talaga siya nagrereklamo kahit obvious na ’di niya gusto iyong ginagawa ko or what. Basta tahimik lang siya tapos naka-tabi sa akin. Na para bang anytime na magkamali ako or may mangyaring masama, nasa tabi ko lang siya, ready umalalay.

Naglakad na siya, tapos sumabay ako. Natawa ako kasi kulang na lang magpout siya.

“Uy, joke lang,” I said habang sinasabayan siya sa paglalakad niya. Lugi ako kasi iyong normal na lakad niya, takbo na sa akin! Sino ba naman kasi nagsabi na masaya magkaroon ng boyfriend na giant? I swear, kapag nagalit sa akin si Psalm, pwedeng-pwede niya ako ihagis!

“It’s fine,” he said. “I know you’re not affectionate.”

Umawang iyong labi ko. “Paano mo nalaman?” I asked, arching my brow.

He shrugged. “That’s who you are. And it’s all right.”

My brow was still in full arch. Huminto si Psalm. Tumingin siya sa akin, at nang nakita niya kung gaano naka-arko iyong kilay ko, nakita ko na lumunok siya. Sa dalawang linggo naming magkasama, alam niya na na kapag naka-arko na iyong kilay ko, magsisimula na akong magalit sa kanya.

“I-I mean it’s f-fine, Joey,” sabi niya habang halatang kinakabahan. I could see him opening and closing his fists, as if he was trying to calm himself down.

“Nagrereklamo ka ba?”

“No!” mabilis na sagot niya.

Isang kilay na lang iyong naka-arko sa akin. “Good,” sabi ko, tapos naglakad na ako. Ramdam ko na naka-sunod siya sa akin. “Dito ka sa tabi ko,” sabi ko kasi nasa likod ko lang siya. Mabilis naman siyang naglakad sa tabi ko. Kita ko na namumutla siya. Pinigilan ko iyong sarili ko na matawa sa kanya. “Takot ka ba sa ’kin?”

“No,” sabi niya kahit obvious na hindi.

“Nakakatakot ba ako?”

“No,” sabi niya na parang trained na siya sa mga isasagot niya sa akin.

Huminto ako, tapos tumawa. Hindi ko na kasi kayang pigilan kasi ang cute ni Psalm! Parang sobrang tensed na tensed na siya! As in parang takot na takot siya sa akin, which was so funny kasi ’di hamak naman na mas matangkad at mas malaki siya sa akin!

“Were you just making fun of me?” sabi niya habang tawa ako nang tawa. May mga napapa-tingin na sa akin, pero wala akong pakielam sa iisipin nila kasi may gawin man ako or wala, kung gusto nila akong pagchismisan, wala naman akong magagawa.

I nodded, my face red from laughing. But I had to stop when I saw Psalm slowly walking towards me. His face was serious, and his eyes were intently staring into mine.

I gulped.

“H-huy,” sabi ko nang naglalakad siya palapit sa akin. “J-joke lang naman kasi.”

“You’re always making fun of me,” sabi niya habang papalapit siya nang papalapit sa akin.

“Dali mo kasing matakot,” sabi ko tapos umatras na ako. Papalapit na rin siya nang papalapit. “Natatakot na ko,” sabi ko kasi sobrang serious niya habang naglalakad palapit sa akin!

“Tama na kasi!” sabi ko sa kanya.

Umiling siya. “You had your fun. Let me have mine.”

Lumingon ako sa likod ko. Sobrang dami ko pang aatrasan kaya naman ewan ko kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko, basta tumakbo na lang ako palayo. Sa sobrang bilis kong tumakbo, nabitiwan ko iyong bag and books ko dahil ayoko talaga na maabutan ni Psalm kasi nakakatakot iyong tingin niya! Nang lumingon akong saglit, nakita ko na naka-sukbit sa balikat niya iyong bag ko tapos hawak niya sa kamay iyong libro ko habang hinahabol ako.

“Tama na kasi!” sigaw ko habang tumatakbo palayo sa kanya.

“Then stop running!” sabi niya. Ramdam ko na palapit na siya nang palapit sa akin kasi fuck ano bang laban ng legs ko sa legs niya! E sanay na sanay ’yang tumatakbo!

“Yung puso ko sasabog na!” sigaw ko habang tumatakbo pa rin kasi ’di talaga ako sanay tumakbo!

Rinig ko iyong tawa ni Psalm habang hinahabol ako. Huminto na rin ako kasi iyong puso ko promise parang sasabog na sa sobrang hingal!

I stopped, and dropped on the floor. I didn’t care that the floor was scorching hot. Hindi na talaga ako maka-hinga, for heaven’s sake! Naka-hawak ako sa dibdib ko habang nakita ko si Psalm na naka-tingin sa akin. He was standing a few meters from me.

“Leche ka,” sabi ko habang hingal na hingal. “Masaya ka na? Mamatay-matay na ako sa hingal?”

He looked at me, and a smile dawned on his face. Slowly, he walked towards me tapos lumuhod siya para magpantay iyong mukha namin.

“Why did you run?” he asked. Nilabas niya iyong panyo niya tapos pinunasan niya iyong pawis sa gilid ng noo ko. Sobrang lakas pa rin ng tibok ng puso ko.

“Parang galit ka kasi, e.”

“Why did you think that I was mad?”

“Parang papatayin mo ako sa tingin mo kanina.”

Kumunot iyong noo niya. “Really?”

I nodded, then slightly pouted my lips. “Galit ka?”

He shook his head. “I’d never get mad at you, alright? I’d get annoyed, but never mad.”

“Kahit lagi kitang inaasar at pinagti-tripan?”

He nodded. “I’d rather you make fun of me, than you making fun of some guy.”

I discreetly bit my lip. Before, I thought that I didn’t like possessive guys kasi bakit mo ituturing na pag-aari mo iyong babae? But now… it felt kinda nice. I mean, as long as it’s within reason.

Ang saya pala.

Na sa kanya lang ako.

And of course sa ’kin lang din siya.

But of course dahil ’di daw ako affectionate sabi ni Psalm, I spread my arms. “Buhat,” sabi ko kasi ’di na ako makatayo dahil sa pagtakbo ko kanina. Naka-ngiti lang si Psalm, tapos pinahawak niya sa akin iyong bag ko at libro. He crouched down, and I rode on his back. Nasa likod niya ako habang nasa balikat niya iyong bag ko, tapos hawak niya iyong libro ko.

“What part were you having difficulties in NMAT?” he asked habang buhat ako.

“Chem, bakit?”

“It’s it just the basics?”

I nodded. “Medyo, why?”

“Can you send me the coverage?”

Hinigpitan ko iyong yakap sa kanya, tapos sinandal ko iyong ulo ko sa balikat niya. “Bakit?”

“I’ll try to refresh my memory,” sabi niya.

“Tuturuan mo ako?” tanong ko habang naka-ngiti.

“Yeah, I’ll try…”

“Di naman ako magpapa-turo kay Marcus, e.”

“I know,” he replied. “I just want to be everything that you need.”

Chapter 39

#ABNQ39 Chapter 39

True enough, Psalm tried to teach me Chemistry—try being the operative word. Iyong mga areas na naguguluhan ako, mas lalo lang akong naguluhan nung tinuro ni Psalm. I swear, kung confused ako, mas confused siya!

“Fuck,” I heard him cursing nung nalimutan niya iyong sasabihin niya. I felt like may script siyang sinusundan kasi may binubulong siya sa sarili niya bago siya magsalita. Pupusta ako na nagpaturo pa ’to sa isa sa mga pinsan niya bago ako tinuruan.

I pursed my lips to stop myself from smiling kasi sobrang cute niyang makita na frustrated. I mean, the thought that he wanted to tutor me was more than enough. Hindi naman niya kailangang gawin, but here he was, struggling to explain to me the balancing chemical equation.

“Break muna?” I asked kasi mukhang konti na lang ma-no-nosebleed na kaming dalawa.

He groaned. “I swear, I got this, Joey,” sabi niya tapos tinignan iyong notes niya.

I bit my lower lip. “You sure?”

He nodded. “Just one sec,” he said tapos naka-kunot iyong noo niya na binabasa iyong notes niya. Nanatili akong nakaupo habang pinapanood siya. Nilabas ko rin iyong phone ko tapos kinuhanan siya ng picture. I posted it in my IG story tapos nilagyan ko ng caption na ‘Chem teacher. New career?’

Binaba ko iyong phone ko nang mapansin ko na wala na si Psalm sa harapan ko. Nasa gilid siya habang hawak ang phone niya. Nasa bewang iyong isa niyang kamay, at kahit naka-talikod siya, ramdam ko iyong frustration niya.

“Yeah, after that?” sabi niya. “I get that, but why can’t the equations—I’m doing it right!” He sounded really frustrated, and I was a bad girlfriend for thinking how cute he was. Kulang na lang yata e iyakan niya iyong libro para lang maintindihan ko nang mabuti.

“Psalm,” tawag ko sa kanya paglipas ng isang minuto. Lumingon siya sa akin, at pansin na pansin ko na grabe iyong pagkaka-kunot ng noo niya. I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing kasi natatawa talaga ako. I mean, ako nga na gusto iyong Science pero naguguluhan, siya pa kaya na hindi naman inclined at pinipilit lang para sa akin?

“I promise, I can get this,” sabi niya kahit wala pang lumalabas sa bibig ko. I pressed my lips harder, and looked at him. “I… I’m sorry. It’s been really long since I last studied Science,” sabi niya na parang disappointed siya sa sarili niya.

I tapped the space beside me. “Upo ka sa tabi ko,” sabi ko nung hindi siya gumalaw. Naupo si Psalm sa tabi ko. Tumagilid ako, at saka humarap sa kanya. I held his face, and gave him a big smile. “Thank you,” I said.

“For what?” he asked.

“For this. For trying.”

He sighed. “Sorry,” he said.

I frowned at him. “Kain na tayo?”

“We’re not finished yet,” sabi niya sabay tingin doon sa reviewers na binili niya para turuan ako. May mga naituro naman na si Psalm sa akin, pero habang tumatagal, nalilimutan niya iyong mga tinuro sa kanya. I could sense his frustration, and as much as it entertained me, I didn’t want him frustrated.

“Okay lang. Kaya ko na siguro ’yan,” sabi ko sa kanya. Ayaw pumayag pa ni Psalm, but in the end, napilit ko na rin siya na umalis na kami. Siya iyong may hawak nung mga reviewers habang naglalakad kami. Today was a good day, and I was glad that I was sharing it with Psalm.

“Ano’ng plan mo after grad?” I asked him. I vaguely remembered asking him this before, pero ang naaalala ko ay wala akong nakuhang matinong sagot sa kanya. Gets ko naman kasi mahirap talagang alamin kung ano ang mangyayari after graduation. It was so scary… thinking that your whole life’s officially starting. Na kung anuman ang mapili mong gawin, you could end up doing it for the rest of your life. Sobrang nakaka-takot.

Psalm shrugged.

“Come on, ano nga?” tanong ko. “Wala kang kahit anong interest?” I pressed further dahil wala siyang mabigay na sagot sa ’kin. Ako kasi, sigurado na ako na kukuha ako ng medicine pagka-graduate ko. Gusto kong maging doctor kagaya ni Papa. Kasi nakikita ko na kahit gaano siyang nakakapagod, sobrang fulfilling din niya. And I wanted to live a fulfilled life.

“Maybe…” he trailed. “Maybe I’ll try professional basketball.” I nodded, waiting for him to continue. “It’s silly.”

“It’s not,” I quickly replied. “May plano ka na ba?”

Umiling siya. “It was just a thought.”

“You can make that thought a reality. Kaya mo ’yan. You’re one of the most hard working people I know,” I said, gently bumping my shoulder against his.

“I’m still not quite sure,” he said na parang may bumabagabag sa kanya. Huminto ako, at saka tinignan siya. Nakita ko na parang may problema nga siya.

“Ano’ng iniisip mo?” direstong tanong ko sa kanya. I wanted to know his thoughts, to be able to help him if I could. Kasi ganoon naman talaga dapat, ’di ba? We’re partners. We should help each other, bring each other up.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Ano nga?”

Tumingin siya sa akin. Malalim. Iyong parang nakaka-lunod.

Naghintay ako ng susunod na sasabihin niya, pero isang pekeng ngiti lang ang nakuha ko. He smiled like everything’s fine, but I knew that something’s bothering him… and that got me bothered, too.

“Where do you want to eat?” he asked with that smile plastered on his face. It was obvious that he didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him, so I decided not to push it more. Kilala ko si Psalm. Sasabihin niya naman sa akin kapag gusto niyang sabihin. I just wished that this would not create problems for us in the future.

---

“Go out for a while,” sabi i Jax pagkatapos na muntikan ko na ibato iyong libro ko kasi litung-lito na talaga ako sa binabasa ko. “Nahihilo ka na sa dami ng binabasa mo.”

“It’s so unfair! Magkapatid naman tayo, pero bakit hindi ako kagaya mo na isang basa lang e gets na lahat?” sabi ko na sobrang sama ng loob. I’d been reading this same shit for days, pero nalilito pa rin ako! Iyong tipo na napapaisip ka kung bobo ka ba o ano kasi bakit ’di mo gets?

“It’s not enough that you study hard. You have to study smart,” sabi niya sabay katok nang mahina sa ulo ko. “Lumabas ka muna kasi wala ka ng naiintindihan sa binabasa mo. Mas lalo ka lang maiinis.”

I sighed. “Pero finals na next week. Tapos sa next week, NMAT na,” sabi ko na parang gusto ko na lang umiyak sa sobrang frustration.

“Kalma ka lang kasi. You’d you’ll through, okay? Just breathe, and stop panicking,” sabi niya sabay balik sa pagbabasa niya ng mga libro niya. Kahit masama sa loob ko, tumayo ako at saka sinunod iyong payo ni Jax. Siguro tama naman siya. Mas wala akong matutunan kung naiinis lang ako sa mga hindi ko maintindihan.

I grabbed my phone, and decided to just go to the school. I needed to look for new reading materials. Baka kasi may mas maayos magpa-liwanag ng mga concepts.

I sent a text to Psalm kasi siya nagtetext sa akin kahit saan siya pumunta. Hindi ko naman tinatanong, pero inuupdate niya ako palagi kung nasaan man siya. I guessed nadala na siya nung nag-burst out ako nung victory party nila kaya isang text ko pa lang, may reply na agad siya.

“Hey,” I said when he called. “Bakit ka tumawag?” I asked kasi alam ko nasa lunch siya kasama iyong mga pinsan niya. Gusto nga niya akong isama kasi gusto niya akong ipakilala sa mga pinsan niya, pero hindi ako nakasama kasi sobrang busy sa mga ginagawa sa school.

“Are you gonna study sa school? Gusto mo samahan kita?” he offered.

“Wag na. Bonding time niyo ’yan, e,” I said. “Saka baka magsawa ka na sa mukha ko,” I kidded dahil literal na magkasama kami palagi sa school.

“As if that’s possible,” sabi niya. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling. He always got me with his words. Kahit simple lang, iba iyong dating sa akin.

“But seriously, may hihiramin lang naman ako sa lib then uuwi na ako,” I replied kasi sure ako na kapag sinabi ko sa kanya na dito ako mag-aaral, he’d make some excuse para makaalis doon para puntahan ako. He’s just like that.

“You sure?”

I nodded. “Yep. Enjoy ka, okay? Then don’t forget to study kasi sabay pa tayong ga-graduate,” I said before ending the call kasi kapag humaba pa, sure ako na mapipilit ako ni Psalm na pilitin siya na pumunta dito. Ganun ’yun, e. Kunwari ayaw, pero gusto naman pinipilit ko pa.

Pagdating ko sa lib, sobrang daming tao. May naaamoy din akong cup noodles! Bawal magdala ng pagkain sa lib, pero kapag ganitong finals week, feeling ko bumabait iyong mga librarian kasi pinapayagan nila iyong mga students na halos magcampout na dito sa library.

Silently, I walked towards the shelf of the books I needed. Alam na alam ko na kung saan iyon kasi doon naman ako laging pumupunta. Pagdating ko roon, bigla akong natigilan kasi nakita ko si Marcus.

For a moment, I stilled. Hindi niya ako napansin kasi seryoso siya sa binabasa niya. Ako naman, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. I didn’t like the fact that I was feeling weird around him… kasi wala naman dapat akong maramdaman na ganito. I didn’t even know if we’re friends kasi hindi naman kami ganoon katagal na naging magkakilala.

Ang gulo, kainis!

“Hello,” I said after a few seconds of standing there like a fool.

Automatic na napa-tingin sa akin si Marcus. Nakita ko kung paano bahagyang umawang iyong labi niya nang makita niya ako. Nagmadali na naman siyang tumayo kaya nalaglag iyong mga libro na naka-lagay sa lap niya.

“Sorry sa istorbo,” I said. “May kukunin lang akong libro.”

Marcus didn’t move. Hindi rin tuloy ako maka-galaw. Napa-tingin ako sa cup noodles sa tabi niya. Tapos napa-tingin ako sa mukha niya. He looked… disheveled.

Hindi ko alam, pero parang bigla siyang nahiya sa akin matapos niyang mapansin na tinignan ko siya at iyong noodles niya.

I smiled. “Sa ’yo pala ’yung noodles na naamoy ko,” I joked, trying to lighten up the mood kasi parang tanga lang. Okay naman kami ni Marcus… I mean, aside from the fact na iniwasan ko siya dahil kay Psalm, okay naman kaming dalawa.

“Nagugutom na kasi ako,” sabi niya na parang apologetic. I suddenly felt bad.

“Nope, ano ka ba, okay lang,” I said. “Hindi kita isusumbong sa librarian, promise,” I continued, even raising my hand. I still felt him tensed around me, and I understood why kahit ’di ko mapunto iyong eksaktong dahilan. I just felt like I understood the reason why.

Hindi na nagsalita ulit si Marcus. Hindi rin muna siya umupo ulit sa pwesto niya.

“Ah…” sabi ko nung ’di ko alam iyong gagawin. “Kunin ko lang iyong kailangan ko para ’di na ako makaabala sa ’yo,” I said before I took a step. Humarap ako sa bookshelf, at saka naghanap ng libro. But even when I wasn’t looking, I could still feel him looking at me. Like he was boring a hole on my back.

Sinubukan ko magmadali, pero hindi ko talaga alam kung ano iyong kukunin ko. Ilang minuto pa lang ako nandun, pero pakiramdam ko ilang oras na iyon.

“Ano bang hinahanap mo?” mababang tanong niya.

My hands were still on the shelf when I turned and looked at him. “Hindi ko rin alam,” I replied, wincing a little. “Uhm… nagrereview kasi ako sa NMAT tapos may hindi ako maintindihan. Naghahanap lang ako ng reference, baka kasi may magandang book dito.”

Marcus nodded, then took a step forward. “Ano’ng topic ba?”

I blinked. A few times. “H-ha?”

“Ano’ng topic ba ’yung nahihirapan ka?” tanong niya ulit. “Nabasa ko na halos lahat ng libro dito, kaya baka matulungan kita.”

“…seryoso?” He nodded. I gulped. “Ah… sa Chemistry, may mga ’di ako maintindihan… Saka if ’di nakaka-hiya, pati sa Physics?”

Marcus nodded, tapos may kinuha siyang libro mula mismo sa harapan ko. Tapos lumakad siya palayo. Bumalik din agad siya na may hawak na isa pang libro.

“Ito ’yung basahin mo kasi madali lang iyong explanation, pati maraming exercises. Matagal sa oras, pero mas okay kung sasagutan mo para mas ma-master mo,” sabi niya sabay abot sa akin nung mga libro. “Ah… kung nahihirapan ka pa rin, pwede kong pahiram sa ’yo ’yung notes ko.”

I blinked again.

“Totoo?”

He nodded. “Good luck sa NMAT mo,” he said, finally with a small smile on his face. I didn’t know, but I missed that. Kasi parang hindi siya si Marcus kapag masyado siyang seryoso. Mas gusto ko siya kapag ngumi-ngiti… tapos may mga korny na jokes na kasunod.

“Uh, hindi mo ba gagamitin iyong notes mo?” Umiling siya. “Sure ka?”

He nodded. “Yeah…” he said. “Ano… ah… message mo na lang ako kung kailangan mo.”

“Saan? Sa Tinder?” sabi ko, tapos kitang-kita ko kung paano namula iyong tenga niya. Napansin ko na naman iyong hikaw niya. Weird talaga na iyong SC president e may hikaw sa tenga. Lakas maka-bad boy.

Mabilis na may kinuhang papel si Marcus tapos sinulat niya iyong number niya. “Text mo na lang ako dito. Uhm… o kaya pasabi mo na lang kay Kitty kung ano… kung ’di okay sa boyfriend mo na itext mo ako.”

I bit my lower lip after hearing him say those words. Kasi totoo naman. Hindi comfortable si Psalm. And I felt really guilty because I felt like I was being unfair to Marcus who did nothing wrong.

“Sorry,” I said. Just that word. But I knew that that one word meant a whole lot.

He smiled. Hindi iyong ngiting gusto ko. “Okay lang. ’Di naman talaga lahat ng gusto nakukuha.”

Chapter 40

#ABNQ40 Chapter 40

“Kamusta exam?” Jax asked pagdating ko sa bahay. Kakatapos lang ng exam namin, at diretso akong umuwi sa bahay. Nauna akong matapos magsagot kaya dumiretso na rin ako sa bahay. Nagtext na lang ako kay Psalm na hindi ko siya mahihintay. Ayoko rin kasi na alam niya na nasa labas lang ako dahil alam ko bibilisan niya talaga magsagot.

I shrugged. “Okay naman,” sabi ko. I studied well for the finals, but more importantly, I studied throughout the semester. Hindi iyong isang gabi lang na pinagkasya ko lahat ng information sa utak ko dahil kapag ganoon, malaki iyong tendency na ma-mental block ako.

Umakyat ako sa kwarto sandali para magbihis tapos pagbaba ko, naka-kunot iyong noo ni Jax.

“Chem, really?”

“Yeah… I’ll just read this for two hours tops tapos balik na ulit ako sa finals,” I said.

“Unahin mo finals mo, Joey,” sabi niya.

“Okay na ako sa finals, Jax. Nag-aral na ako last week pa, and nag-aaral ako araw-araw. Nakikinig ako sa lectures ng professor, and I always do my required readings. Kailangan ko lang talaga magfocus dito sa NMAT because I don’t want to fail this, okay?”

I knew he’s beginning to get worried about me because I seemed so stressed lately… well, I was. Habang mas lumalapit iyong NMAT, parang naninikip iyong dibdib ko na hindi ko maintindihan. Halos hindi na rin ako makakain sa sobrang kaba. I felt so freaking nauseated that I wanted to vomit my guts out.

“Or you can just ask someone to tutor you kung hindi mo talaga maintindihan.”

“I don’t know anyone—”

“Then hire someone. There’s no harm in asking for help. Lalo na kung nahihirapan ka d’yan sa binabasa mo. Stop torturing yourself.”

Napaisip ako sa sinabi ni Jax. Alam ko naman na kung gusto ko, may pwede akong hingan ng tulong. But I didn’t want to betray Psalm… because I knew that it’d feel like betrayal kapag nagpaturo ako kay Marcus after everything Psalm has done for me.

But this was my future.

My dream.

God, this was hard!

Pinikit ko sandali iyong mga mata ko, at saka huminga nang malalim. I needed to calm myself down because this wasn’t the time to stress myself out even more. I still had five exams to take, and one exam to define the road I’d be treading in the next few years. It’d fine… sure.

“I’ll read this one more time, and kapag malabo pa rin…” I whispered to myself. “Surely Psalm will understand,” I continued.

I sat down, and read the book as thoroughly as I could. Inisa-isa ko iyong concepts na nahihirapan ako. Tama nga si Marcus dahil iyong mga nahihirapan ako na concepts, mas naintindihan ko sa binigay niyang libro. Mas concise kasi at mas maganda iyong mga examples na ginamit doon sa binigay niya… and may mga naka-dikit na post its sa gilid na may mga additional notes tungkol sa mga subtopics.

After two hours, kumain muna ako ng sandwich bago ako nagsimulang mag-aral para sa finals. Nagreply lang ako kay Psalm nung nagtext pala siya kanina na nasa bahay na rin daw siya.

“Have you eaten yet?” he asked. Naka-facetime kaming dalawa.

Hinila ko iyong platito na may sandwich sa harap ng laptop, at saka pin-kita sa kanya. “Ito na po,” sabi ko sabay kuha sa sandwich.

“That’s your dinner?” naka-kunot iyong noo na sabi niya.

I nodded, then took a bite. “Yeah… ’Di ako gutom,” sabi ko. Gusto ko lang magka-laman iyong tiyan ko. Ayoko nga talagang kumain kasi parang nasusuka ako, pero papagalitan ako ni Jax and Psalm kapag ’di ako kumain.

“You haven’t eaten anything all day.”

Kumunot iyong noo ko. “Saan mo nakuha ’yan?” tanong ko dahil nagkita lang naman kami sa school nung exam, and even then, hindi naman kami nakapag-usap ng matagal kasi maaga dumating iyong proctor. Tapos diretso din ako umuwi agad.

“Jax.”

Bahagyang umawang iyong labi ko. “Si… Jax?” naguguluhan na tanong ko. I mean, sure magkakilala silang dalawa, but they’re not really the bff-kind of friends kasi magkaiba talaga sila ng hilig. Psalm’s more of the sporty kind. Si Jax naman… is more of a nerd, to be honest.

“Yeah. I got his number from Kitty,” Psalm said with no shame. “What? I just want to know if you’re eating!” he said, being defensive all of a sudden.

I wanted to get annoyed, but I knew that there’s no point. Nagsisinungaling din kasi ako sa kanya kapag sinasabi ko na kumain na ako kasi minsan, tinatamad lang talaga akong kumain. ’Di ako nagugutom, so ano’ng gagawin ko?

“Fine…” I said, defeated. “Ayoko lang talagang kumain.”

“Do you want anything? Burger? Ramen? Pizza?” he asked. “Are you craving for anything, Jo?”

Umiling ako, then took another bite from my lonely sandwich. I looked at Psalm’s worried face, and realized that I was so lucky that I have him. He’s so caring and sweet and responsible. Bonus na lang talaga iyong ibang bagay. I mean, sa panahon ngayon na pati panget makapal ang mukhang manloko, sobrang swerte ko na lang talaga na may Psalm ako na ako lang ang priority.

“No, ’wag na,” sabi ko tapos biglang dumaan si Manang. “Manang, padala naman po ng dinner dito,” I said, then looked back at the screen. “Okay na?” sabi ko kay Psalm.

We ended up talking for the whole hour habang kumakain ako ng dinner. After that, bumalik na ako sa pag-aaral. At around 11pm, natulog na ako, pero nag-alarm naman ako ng 5am para makapagbasa ulit ako.

Kinabukasan, finals na naman. That went on for the next few days hanggang sa finally, matapos na namin iyong finals.

“Inom tayo!” sigaw ni Matt pagkalabas na pagkalabas pa lang namin ng classroom. Hindi pa nga sumasara iyong pinto kaya napagalitan kami ng proctor! “Inom pa rin tayo,” bulong ni Matt after sumara nung pinto.

“Tara. Fuck, naubos na yata brain cells ko sa last exam,” sabi ni Simon bago napaupo sa bench.

“Okay lang. ’Di na naman natin ’to gagamitin,” sagot ni Matt, tinapik iyong balikan ni Simon. Mga baliw talaga.

Nagplano na silang lahat na uminom. Nag-usap na rin sila kung saan sila iinom. Nang makapagdecide na sila, naglalakad na kami papunta sa parking lot dahil napagdesisyunan na sasakyan ni Steele iyong gagamitin tapos iiwan na lang iyong mga sasakyan nila dito and babalikan na lang bukas.

“Guys…” I said nang matanaw ko na iyong sasakyan namin. “Pass muna ako.”

The guys groaned. “But Joey!” parang bata nilang maktol. “We deserve this!”

I winced at the tone Matt used. Gusto ko rin naman uminom and magsaya kasama sila, but I really needed to study. NMAT was literally just a few freaking days away! I couldn’t blow that.

“Sorry… Kailangan ko talaga magreview,” I said. Hinintay ko talaga na dumating muna si Manong bago ko sabihin sa kanila na ’di ako makakasama para wala na silang magawa. Kasi if sinabi ko kanina, pretty sure na pipilitin nila ako hanggang pumayag ako… which was possible kasi panigurado iinisin ako ni Matt hanggang pumayag na lang ako.

“Me, too. Sorry, pass muna,” Kitty said. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya habang naka-kunot iyong noo ko.

Nagprotesta iyong mga lalaki na porke daw tapos na iyong school year e kinakalimutan na namin sila. Seriously, guys are more dramatic than girls.

“I’ll drive you home,” Psalm said.

I shook my head, then tinuro ko iyong sasakyan. “Nandyan na si Manong,” I replied. “Besides, go have fun.”

“You sure?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Alam ko napagod ka sa finals, so inom muna kayo ngayon. Sorry, ’di ako makakasama kasi may mga babasahin pa ako…”

Psalm smiled, then reached for my hand. He intertwined our fingers, tapos nakita iyon ni Matt, so umarte siya na nasusuka. Kapag talaga nagka-girlfriend iyon, humanda siya sa ’kin.

“Alright,” Psalm said. “Just please eat when you get home, then text me, okay?” I nodded. “I promise I’ll reply if you text.”

I glared at him dahil pinapaalala niya na naman sa akin iyong nagalit ako sa kanya dahil ’di siya nagtext nung victory party nila. Iba naman kasi ’yun! Nandun si Kia… I think?

“Epal ka talaga,” sabi ko tapos natawa siya.

“See you… after NMAT?” tanong niya.

I bit my lower lip. If after NMAT pa, then two weeks na kaming hindi magkikita. I missed hanging with him. I missed talking to him about literally anything.

“Wednesday, lunch, punta ka sa bahay but for an hour lang?” I asked him kasi gusto ko talagang isingit siya sa schedule ko kahit sandali lang. Ayoko naman na sa facetime na naman kami maglunch and dinner dalawa.

He grinned. “Knew you can’t resist me,” sabi niya tapos hinampas ko siya bago sila sumakay sa sasakyan ni Steele. After that, napansin ko na naiwan kaming dalawa ni Kitty. Nakaupo siya sa bench habang may binabasa. Nandoon na si Manong and hinihintay ako, but I decided to sit down with Kitty first.

“Hey,” I said, gently bumping my shoulder against hers.

She looked at me, and smiled. “Hey. Akala ko uuwi ka na?”

“Akala ko uuwi ka rin?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Magrereview ako.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Para sa?” She closed her book, and showed me the title. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “For reals?”

She nodded, then grinned. “Wala ng kawala iyang kapatid mo sa akin,” sabi niya tapos natawa ako kasi reviewer for LAE iyong binabasa niya.

“Oh, my God. Kailan ka pa nagdecide?” I asked. Alam ko balak niya, but I didn’t know na kukuha na siya ng exam.

“Last, last week?”

I bit my lower lip. “Sorry ’di ko alam…” I said. I was too wrapped up in my own NMAT world that I failed to know what was happening with my friends. Sa totoo lang, ngayon lang ulit kami nag-usap ni Kitty nang ganito ever since magstart iyong finals and iyong sa NMAT.

“Okay lang, busy din naman ako,” she said. “Exam mo na next weekend, ah.”

I nodded, then sighed. “Yeah… Sobrang kinakabahan na ako.”

“Don’t be. You’re smart and hardworking. That’s the deadly combination,” she said, elbowing me.

I smiled, although I knew that when it comes to Science, I was kinda struggling… but damn, I really wanted this. Gusto ko maging doctor. Gusto kong iyon iyong gawin ko sa buhay ko. Kaya ngayon na kahit nahihirapan na ako at nahihilo na ako sa lahat ng terms na binabasa ko, okay lang. Kasi alam ko na kapag gusto, dapat pinaghihirapan.

“By the way,” sabi niya tapos may kinuha siya sa bag niya. “Pinapabigay ni Marcus.” Umawang iyong labi ko nang makita ko iyong notebook niya. “Nung Monday niya pa binigay ’yan, but sabi niya ibigay ko raw sa ’yo ngayon para ’di ka ma-distract sa finals.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Inabot ko iyong notebook, but I still didn’t know what to say. Kasi kaibigan din ni Kitty si Marcus. Mas lagi niya pa nga iyong kasama kaysa sa amin ni Psalm kasi madalas si Kitty sa Council.

Tapos… ewan.

I wouldn’t take it against her if she’d think that I… betrayed her? Ewan.

Hindi ko naman pinaasa si Marcus. Alam ko gusto ako nung tao, pero ano’ng gagawin ko kung iba iyong gusto ko? Hindi ko naman pwedeng pilitin iyong sarili ko kasi mahihirapan lang kaming pare-pareho.

“Thanks…” I said, instead.

“And he also said na if may nahihirapan ka pa rin, text mo lang daw ako, and tetext ko siya,” sabi niya. “Gosh, kailangan niyo pang dalawa ng messenger!”

I bit my lower lip, and then said nothing.

May kinuha si Kitty na papel, and may sinulat siya. “Here. If may kailangan kang aralin or what, just please text him, okay? I promise, magaling magturo si Marcus. And if si Psalm iyong problema, then isama mo siya kapag tinuruan ka ni Marcus. I’m sure Marcus won’t do anything disrespectful kasi may boyfriend ka na. ’Di naman ganoong tao ’yun.”

Tinignan ko si Kitty. “Galit ka ba?” diretsong tanong ko kasi iyon iyong nakukuha ko sa mga sinabi niya.

Umiling siya. “No, of course not. If si Psalm ang gusto mo, then it’s Psalm. What I am saying is, Marcus isn’t some uncontrollable guy. There’s really no need to avoid him or what. Alam niyang may Psalm ka na, so he knows he needs to back off.”

“Are you sure you’re not mad?” I asked again, because I needed to know that. Mas importante sa akin na hindi siya galit kasi mahalaga si Kitty sa akin.

Instead of answering, she pulled me into a hug. “Of course not, baliw! We’re gonna be sisters-in-law, so I really can’t be mad at you!”

Pagdating ko sa bahay, tinignan kong mabuti iyong papel na binigay ni Kitty. I knew I needed help, and I knew whom I needed to call. Tama naman si Jax. I should know when to ask for help. And now, I badly needed one.

But first, I needed to talk to Psalm.

Chapter 41

#ABNQ41 Chapter 41

I tried calling Psalm, but he wasn’t answering. I tried calling the guys, too, but they weren’t also answering. I guessed that they were already too hammered to care about anything kaya naman nagbasa na lang ako hanggang sa maka-tulog ako.

Kinabukasan, nagising ako nang maramdaman ko na nagva-vibrate iyong phone ko sa bedside table. I quickly grabbed it, and answered.

“Hello?” I answered with my raspy voice. My eyes were still closed because I was finally feeling all the stress that I got from the finals week. Pati habang mas lumalapit iyong NMAT, pakiramdam ko talaga nagsisikip iyong dibdib ko. That’s how stressed I freaking was!

“Hey…” Psalm said. It was obvious that he just woke up, too. “Just saw your texts.”

Kahit inaantok ako, pinilit ko na buksan iyong mga mata ko, at saka naupo ako sa kama. I needed to talk to him about this. I knew that Psalm would say okay, but deep inside, he’d feel threatened by Marcus. Alam ko na ganoon iyong mangyayari kasi ganoon si Psalm. He wouldn’t tell me that he’s having a hard time basta masunod lang iyong gusto ko.

“Ano’ng oras kayo nakauwi?” I asked, standing up, and getting myself a glass of water.

“3am? I can’t remember,” he said, then yawned. “I know I told you I’d reply, but Matt got our phones.”

I rolled my eyes. For sure kaya niya kinuha kasi ayaw niya na nag-iinuman sila tapos si Steele ka-text si Andrea tapos si Psalm naman ay ka-text ako. Minsan iniisip ko nagseselos si Matt sa amin ni Andrea kasi ‘inaagaw’ namin iyong mga kalaro niya.

“Kinda figured it our nung walang nagrereply sa inyo,” I said. “Uhm… about my text,” I continued, then bit my lower lip. “Are you free later ng lunch?”

There was a pause from his end. Like he knew that there’s something serious that I needed to say.

“I thought Wednesday?” he asked.

I bit my lower lip. “Yeah… May sasabihin ako, e,” sagot ko.

“All right,” sagot niya. “Just pick a place near you, so that you can go home right after.”

God, I just wished that he wouldn’t feel this threatened kay Marcus. I seriously believe that those two could hit it off kung hindi lang talaga nasimulan na ganito. Also, halos graduate na kami. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung makikita ko pa ba si Marcus pagkatapos ng graduation… so, sana maging maayos iyong usap namin mamaya ni Psalm.

I wanted to study again right after our call ended, but my mind kept on going back to Psalm. I really didn’t want to hurt him or for him to feel betrayed…

So, instead, I practiced on how I’d tell Psalm na gusto kong magpaturo kay Marcus. I carefully chose the words that I would use para naman mapaliwanag ko nang mabuti iyong sarili ko.

“Ano’ng ginagawa mo?” Jax said while holding a bowl of pasta in his hands. He caught me talking to myself, with matching hand gestures pa.

“Wala,” I said. As much as possible, ayokong magsabi kay Jax ng tungkol kay Psalm kasi nawe-weirduhan si Jax kasi daw ‘lalaki’ siya.

“Kamusta review?” he asked.

“Okay lang,” I replied. When Jax was reviewing for LAE, sobrang kalmado niya lang. As in wala lang sa kanya. Nung pumasa siya sa LAE pati sa entrance exam, kalmado pa rin siya. Nagkaroon lang naman ng feelings si Jax nung nagsimula na siyang mag-aral ng law, e—exactly right after lumabas iyong results ng midterms nila. Na gulat na gulat si Jax dahil muntik na siyang bumagsak kasi sabi niya akala niya okay naman iyong sagot niya. Apparently, sa law school, puro essay ang exams. Kaya dapat kapag may binigay na situation, alam mo kung ano’ng jurisprudence ang iaapply pati iyong mga elements na present.

“Kukuha si Kitty ng LAE,” I said.

Jax nodded, and I couldn’t read the expression on his face. ’Di ko talaga alam kung ano’ng gustong mangyari ni Jax sa buhay niya. I mean, obvious naman na alam niyang may gusto sa kanya si Kitty… and minsan, nagtatanong naman siya tungkol kay Kitty… pero wala talagang nangyayari. I guess kapag nasa iisang environment na sila at saka ko na lang malalaman kung ano ang mangyayari talaga.

When the clock struck 11, nag-ayos na ako. Akala ko mauuna akong dumating doon sa resto dahil akala ko 12 pa dadating si Psalm, pero pagdating ko doon, nakita ko na nakaupo na siya sa gilid. Humigpit iyong hawak ko sa bag ko bago ako nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa kanya.

“Ang aga mo,” sabi ko pagkalapit ko sa kanya. There was a tall glass of water in front of him. He looked so hung-over.

“I don’t want you to wait, in case na mauna ka,” he replied, then smiled despite the fact na halatang masakit iyong ulo niya. I bit my lip dahil pinapunta ko pa siya dito kahit na alam ko na mas gusto niyang matulog dahil masakit iyong ulo niya.

“Sorry, ha? Alam ko gusto mong matulog kasi masakit ulo mo…”

Umiling siya. “I couldn’t sleep because of your text.”

“Ha? Ano bang sinabi ko?”

“You texted me ’ Can we talk?’, “ he said, then reached for the water. “Please don’t text me that ever again, Joey. You’re going to give me anxiety.”

Oh, fuck! Did I really text him that?! Sobrang lutang ko na siguro kagabi kaya nagtext ako sa kanya ng ganon! Kahit naman siya itext ako ng ganoon, malamang hindi rin ako makakatulog sa sobrang pag-iisip kung ano ba iyong sasabihin niya sa ’kin.

“Sorry,” I sincerely said. “Kain muna tayo?”

Umiling siya. “What do you want to talk about?” he asked, firm in wanting to know why I suddenly wanted to talk to him in person kahit na alam niya na sobrang stressed ako sa NMAT.

I reached for his glass of water, tapos naki-inom ako. Kinakabahan ako! Para namang sasabihin ko sa kanya na nagcheat ako dahil sa sobrang kaba ko!

“Psalm,” I began.

“Joey,” he replied. I frowned. He grinned. “Sorry. I just don’t like when we’re both really serious.”

I pursed my lips, and took a deep breath. Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti, at saka huminga rin ako nang mabuti. Ugh! I hated this! Bakit ba hindi ko masabi sa kanya?! Tama naman si Kitty, e. Pwede namang sumama si Psalm kung worried talaga siya kay Marcus. And Marcus is a decent person. Alam niya na may boyfriend ako.

“As we both know, NMAT na next week,” I began. Psalm was just looking at me, as if every word that came out of my mouth was making his heartbeat faster. “Meron pang mga ’di ako masyadong naiintindihan…”

I watched Psalm’s face. Kung kinakabahan ako, alam ko na mas kinakabahan siya. I could see him drumming his fingers on the table—sign na kinakabahan na siya.

“Just tell me if you really don’t want this, and ’di ko na gagawin, okay?” I said, finally giving in kasi hindi ko kaya na magpaturo kay Marcus kung ganito si Psalm. Magccrash review na lang siguro ako sa Youtube o baka naman may one week na review center para sa mga last minute na gustong magreview? Bahala na! I just didn’t think that it’s worth hurting Psalm over. Because when I told him before na ayoko silang nakikita ni Kia, wala akong narinig mula sa kanya. Iniwasan niya si Kia—ni hindi siya umaatend sa party kapag alam niyang pwedeng nandun si Kia.

“You want Marcus to teach you,” he said, stealing the words from my mouth.

I nodded. “Yeah, but if you’re uncomfortable with it, hindi ko na itutuloy,” I said, then reached for his hand. “You do know that I value your opinion, right?”

Naka-tingin ako kay Psalm habang hinihintay iyong sasabihin niya. Bawat segundo na lumilipas, mas lalong bumibilis iyong tibok ng puso ko. I just wanted him to say something because my heart felt like jumping outside of my chest by the second.

“Okay.”

I blinked.

And blinked.

“Okay?” I asked.

He nodded, then it was his turn to squeeze my hand. Tinignan niya ako nang mabuti na pakiramdam ko ay bigla na lang akong malulunod. I bit my lower lip to steady my heart. Sometimes, I didn’t think I deserve him. He’s just… too freaking much.

“Yeah…” he said, then gave out a small smile. “If you think you need him to tutor you, then it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” tanong ko. Kasi kung hindi niya talaga gusto, hindi ko talaga itutuloy. I wouldn’t risk hurting him. I just wanted to be as good to him as he was to me.

He nodded again. “This is about your future, Joey. This is about what you want to do for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t hinder that.”

With every word that came out of his mouth, I felt my heart beating faster and faster. I really didn’t know what he saw in me… Why he’s always putting up with my crap… Why out of all the people in this world, ako iyong pinag-aaksayahan niya ng oras.

“But—”

“I’m seriously fine, Joey,” sabi niya. “Besides, it’s just for a week, right?”

I nodded, a little too vigorously for my liking. “Yeah. And if gusto mong pumunta sa bahay, okay lang—”

“Sa bahay niyo?” he cut me off.

“Uh… yes. Kasi maraming libro and reviewers, and mahirap if dadalhin ko ’yun lahat sa school or coffee shop,” mabilis na paliwanag ko. “Nandun naman si Manang, tapos si Jax din nandun. Tapos ikaw, pwede ka naman pumunta kung gusto mo.”

I hated the way I was explaining. Like I was caught doing something bad red handed.

“Okay,” he said again.

“Okay?” kinakabahan na ulit ko sa sinabi niya. “Sure ka, ha? Ayoko mag-away tayo dahil dito… Gusto ko lang talagang pumasa…”

He smiled, then pinched my cheek. “I promise, I’m fine. Let’s just eat, all right?”

I nodded. “Okay. Gusto ko ng pasta,” sabi ko dahil natakam ako sa kinain ni Jax kanina.

Psalm nodded. “All right,” he replied.

Kumain kaming dalawa ni Psalm, at saka nagkwentuhan. Alam ko sabi ko one hour lang kami, pero umabot kami ng two hours dahil gusto ko pa siyang kasama. I’d been really busy the past few weeks kaya sobrang bihira kami magkita… tapos magiging busy na naman ako ngayong linggo. Ayoko lang na isipin niya na hindi siya kasama sa priorities ko… Kasi nung siya sobrang busy sa basketball, nagagawa niya pa akong sunduin kahit kakatapos lang ng training nila. I just wanted to make him feel important kagaya ng ginagawa niya sa ’kin.

Nang matapos kaming kumain, hinatid ako ni Psalm sa bahay namin. Naka-hinto na siya sa harap ng gate, pero hindi pa rin ako bumababa.

“You need to review,” he said.

“Ayaw mo na ba akong kasama?”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “What? Saan mo nakuha ’yan?”

“Kanina ka pa tingin nang tingin sa relo mo. Tapos ngayon pinapababa mo na ako sa sasakyan,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Psalm removed his seatbelt, and then looked at me. He was looking at me so intently. I wanted to reach for his cheek, and hold his face. I wanted to hug him and tell him that even though he’s right beside me, I still miss him.

“Joey, I always want to be with you. But I know how much you want to be a doctor, and I want to be nothing but supportive.”

I bit my lower lip. “After this week, promise I’m all yours. Kahit saan mo gustong pumunta…”

He smiled. “I’ll remember that,” he said. “But seriously, Joey, one of my cousin’s a doctor and I barely see him. Whenever we have gatherings, he’s always not around because he’s on duty. And I understand that once you go to med school, you’ll have less time for me.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.

“And I want to be ready for that. I know that when med school begins, I’ll barely see you, and I’ll be lying if I say that that will be okay because it won’t. It will suck not seeing you… but I want you to achieve your dreams.”

Parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. Gusto kong magsalita, at sabihin sa kanya na hindi mangyayari ’yun, pero alam namin pareho kung ano ang mangyayari.

But we’re stronger than that.

I knew we’re much stronger than that.

“Your dreams can’t wait, but I can wait, Joey,” he said, cupping both my face.

“Psalm…” I whispered, feeling the tears forming on my eyes. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito siya. Kung bakit lagi niya akong iniintindi. Kung bakit lagi niya akong inuuna.

“I love you, okay?” he gently said. “I love you. I can wait. I’ll always wait.”

Chapter 42

#ABNQ42 Chapter 42

I texted Kitty. To text Marcus. Bago ko pa man mabasa iyong reply ni Kitty, parang ramdam ko na na maraming kasama iyon na roll-eyes emoji.

Kitty:

What time daw? And sa bahay niyo ba talaga?

Me:

If okay lang maaga mga 8am. And yes, nandito naman sila Manang. And… ano di ba tutor ko siya? Magkano ba binabayad dun?

Hindi na nagreply pa si Kitty. Hindi ko na rin hinintay kasi dalawa lang naman ang mode ni Kitty—either magrereply agad or mamumuti na iyong mata ko kakahintay sa reply niya. Instead, nagsagot na lang ako ng practice exercise sa quantitative part ng NMAT. Bukas na lang iyong sa Science kay Marcus.

Paggising ko kinabukasan, halos mahulog ako sa hagdan nang makita ko na magkausap si Papa at Marcus! At dahil muntik na nga akong mahulog sa hagdan, naagaw ko iyong atensyon nilang dalawa.

“Good morning,” bati ni Papa sa akin.

I smiled, and steadied myself. “Morning, Pa…” sabi ko sabay baling kay Marcus. “Good morning,” I greeted with a confused look on my face. Naiwan ko iyong phone ko sa kwarto kaya hindi ko alam kung ano’ng oras na, but most definitely, sigurado ako na wala pang 8am!

“Maghihintay sana ako sa labas, kaya lang nakita ako ng Papa mo,” sabi ni Marcus sa akin kahit na wala naman akong tinatanong sa kanya. Napa-tingin ako kay Papa na may binabasa naman ngayon sa phone niya.

“Nakita ko nung naglalakad ako sa labas kaya pinapasok ko na,” Papa said, then stood up. “Alis muna ako,” Papa said.

Napailing na lang ako. Paano kung gangster pala si Marcus tapos pinapasok na lang bigla ni Papa sa bahay namin? Minsan talaga masyadong trusting si Papa—kabaliktaran ni Mama na walang tiwala sa lahat ng tao.

“Turuan mong mabuti ang anak ko,” sabi niya nang naka-ngiti kay Marcus. Marcus smiled back at my father. Ako, naka-kunot lang iyong noo ko dahil kung mag-usap silang dalawa e akala mo nakapagbonding na sila nang todo.

Nang makaalis si Papa, tinignan ko si Marcus. Hindi ko alam kung paano ba ako tumingin sa kanya dahil bigla na lang napatayo si Marcus sa kinauupuan niya. Like I was a teacher, and he was a student who I caught cheating. Masyado siyang tensed kapag nakikita ako.

“Uh… Sige, tapusin mo muna ’yung breakfast mo,” I said, as I noticed that he was eating breakfast with Papa before I interrupted. I was kind of jealous na naka-sabay niyang kumain si Papa kasi lately, hindi ko na nakikita si Papa. He’s almost living in the hospital…

Tsk. Naalala ko na naman tuloy iyong pinag-usapan namin ni Psalm. About how busy I’ll get. About how less time I’ll be able to give him. I hated, but it’s true. Totoo naman na kapag nagsimula na akong magmed school, magiging busy ako. Magkakaroon ako ng ibang mundo, but he should know that wherever I may wind up, I’d always want to come back to him.

Umiling si Marcus. “No, tapos na ko,” he said, tapos may kinuha siya sa bag niya. Lumapit siya sa ’kin tapos may inabot siya na mga reviewer. “Kain ka munang breakfast tapos simula na tayo.”

I nodded tapos naupo kaming dalawa. Tinitignan ko iyong mga binigay niya sa akin nang mapansin ko na hindi siya kumakain. Binaba ko iyong mga papel, tapos tinignan siya.

“Kain ka muna,” I said.

He nodded. “Hindi ka kakain?”

I shook my head. “Hindi pa ko gutom,” I replied. He still wasn’t eating. “Kinakabahan kasi ako sa NMAT kaya hindi ako makakain masyado,” I explained kasi baka isipin niya na ayaw ko siyang kasabay kaya hindi ako kumakain. I just didn’t want him to be more tensed around me than he already was.

Tumango na naman siya. Mabuti na lang at nagsimula na siyang kumain. I guessed that that was a good start. Meron pa kasi kaming ilang araw na magkasama kaya mas mabuti kung magiging okay ulit kami. I mean, okay naman kami ngayon, but I’d rather that we’d be more comfortable. Like friends.

After Marcus was done eating, doon kami sa salas pumunta. Nagpaalam lang ako sandali na kukunin ko iyong mga gamit ko sa kwarto. Nang papaakyat ako, nakasalubong ko si Papa na naka-bihis na para pumunta sa hospital. I guessed that I wouldn’t see him for days again.

“Alis ka na, Pa?” I asked the obvious.

He nodded. “Mukhang mabait iyong si Marcus,” he said.

I nodded. “Yeah… Nag-iisang Magna Cum Laude sa engineering department ’yun, Pa,” I said. I just felt the need to tell him kasi nakaka-proud naman talaga si Marcus. I mean, paano niya napapagsabay lahat ng mga ginagawa niya? Ang hirap na nga ng degree program niya tapos ang dami pa niyang extra-curricular activities!

Pa smiled. “Mukha ngang masipag na bata,” he replied with a fond smile on his face. “Sige, at kailangan na ako sa ospital,” he continued before going.

Hindi naman weird sa akin na nagustuhan ni Papa si Marcus kasi masipag si Marcus. Nagsimula rin kasi sa pinaka-baba si Papa bago kami mapunta sa kung nasaan man kami ngayon. Sigurado ako na nakikita ni Papa iyong sarili niya kay Marcus kaya ganoon na natutuwa siya.

Pagpasok ko sa kwarto, inayos ko agad iyong mga gamit ko. Naupo muna ako, at saka kinuha iyong cellphone ko. I was supposed to text Psalm na nandito na si Marcus, but I decided to call him instead.

“Hey,” I said when he answered. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” he replied. “Breakfast?” he asked.

“Later,” I replied. “But I promise kakain ako ng heavy lunch,” I said, compromising. Lately talaga ang unang tinatanong niya sa akin is kung kumain na ba ako. “Nasaan ka?” I asked.

“Embassy,” he replied.

“Bakit ka nandyan?”

“Papa’s wondering if I’d be interested to work here,” he said. “Haven’t exactly told him about my plans.”

“I’m sure they’d support you,” I told him. Psalm’s really hard working. Kulang na lang sa court na siya tumira. I was sure any team’s gonna be lucky to have him. I promise na after ng NMAT ko, I’d be with him every step of the way. I’d support him kagaya ng pagsupport niya sa mga gusto kong gawin sa buhay.

“Hmm…” he just replied.

“Uhm… Just called to tell you na nandito na si Marcus,” he said.

“Ah…” he replied.

“Manang’s here. Si Jax, natutulog pa, but I can wake him up if gusto mo?” I offered. Alam ko puyat pa si Jax sa pag-aaral, but if ikakapanatag ng loob ni Psalm, I’d gladly wake Jax up.

“No, it’s fine,” he said although I could sense that he wasn’t totally on board with this plan kahit pa gaano niya sabihin sa akin na ‘he’s fine.’ Kasi ganyan si Psalm. He’d probably deny it to his grave basta lang masunod iyong gusto ko.

“I’ll text you later?”

“Call,” he corrected. Natawa ako. “Study well, Dr. Yuchengco,” he said.

“Baka ma-jinx!” I replied, then it was his turn to laugh.

“Nope, you’ll be a doctor. And I’ll be your first patient.”

“Ano namang sakit mo?” I asked, my brow arched.

“I need a heart transplant. Kinuha mo ’yung puso ko, e.”

“Psalm, seriously?” sabi ko, pero pinipigilan ko iyong tawa ko kasi iniimagine ko pa lang na nasa harap ko siya nung sinabi niya ’to, pakiramdam ko maiiiyak na ako sa kakatawa. Saan ba niya hinuhugot iyong mga sinasabi niya sa ’kin?

“But I made you smile, right?” he asked.

I smiled even though he couldn’t see me, then bit my lower lip. Sana magaling si Psalm sa Science para sana siya na lang ’yung nagtuturo sa ’kin… Ugh, namimiss ko na talaga ’yung broccoli na ’yun! Kaya kailangan talaga na mataas iyong score ko sa NMAT para maka-pasok ako sa cut-off ng SCA.

“Oo na, oo na. Sige, good luck d’yan sa office ng Dad mo,” I said before cutting the line. Kahit habang pababa na ako ng hagdan, nararamdaman ko pa rin iyong ngiti sa mukha ko dahil sa ka-korny-han na lumabas sa bibig ni Psalm. Dami talagang alam ng broccoli na ’yun.

Pagbaba ko, nakita ko na naka-set up na si Marcus. Naka-ayos na iyong books na gagamitin naming dalawa.

“Game na?” sabi ko paglapit sa kanya. Naupo ako sa tabi niya. I felt him tensing up. Lumingon ako sa kanya. “Hey, if we’re gonna do this, I need you to be comfortable around me.”

He smiled. “Okay naman ako.”

I eyed him. “Seriously, parang anytime masusuka ka kapag nakikita ako.”

Napa-kamot siya sa batok. “Hindi naman.”

“Psh. Ako pa rin naman ’to, si Joey. Ikaw pa rin naman si Marcus. Let’s just be friends, okay?” sabi ko sa kanya. I knew that I might be hurting him by saying the word friend over and over again, but that’s the only way I knew para maging maayos kaming dalawa. Kasi iyon naman talaga iyong pwede. Na maging magkaibigan kami.

Marcus nodded, and then we began. Nagstart kaming dalawa sa Social Science at saka sa Biology kasi sabi niya mas madali daw iyon. Mamayang hapon kami magsisimula sa Chemistry at Physics kasi mas mahirap daw iyong dalawa na ’yun.

Nagsasagot ako ng practice exams ni Marcus nang biglang may tumawag sa kanya kaya lumabas muna siya. Habang nagsasagot ako, napansin ko na may sagot iyong ibang parts ng test—halata na nalimutan burahin.

“Sorry, kailangan ko lang sagutin ’yun,” he said.

I nodded. “Okay lang, ano ka ba,” I replied, smiling. “Sinagutan mo rin ’to?” I asked.

He nodded. “Ah… oo. May mga ’di ba ako nabura?” he asked, reaching for the eraser.

Inabot ko sa kanya iyong page na hindi niya nabura. I understood if Chem or Physics iyong sinagutan niya kasi related naman sa degree niya, but Social Science? Hindi naman yata related sa ChemEng? Ano ’yun? Hobby niya lang talaga magsagot? Ang talino niya lang talaga?

“Bakit mo sinagutan?” I asked, just really curious about him. I’d known him for a while now, pero alam ko na marami akong hindi alam sa kanya. But Marcus is so fascinating… and I guess gusto ko lang malaman kung paano niya nagagawang pagsabayin lahat ng trip niya sa buhay. Kasi alam ko na ganoon din ang kailangan kong matutunan once na nasa medschool na ako.

“Dati pa ’yan,” he replied, obvious evading the question.

“So… dati pa lang may NMAT reviewer ka na?” I asked, my brow arched. Marcus seemed more tensed than ever, and hindi ko maintindihan kasi sinusubukan ko lang naman na mag-usap kami. Like normal people.

Marcus nodded while his eyes were glued on the paper. I figured that he didn’t want to talk about it, so I decided to drop the topic. Nang matapos ako sa Social Science, Biology naman iyong pinasagutan niya sa akin. Tapos, nung chine-check-an niya na iyong mga sagot ko, he didn’t even bother to consult the answer sheet.

But I knew that he didn’t want me asking him ‘personal’ questions, so tumayo muna ako, at saka pumunta sa kusina para maghanap ng pwedeng kainin habang nag-aaral kami. Hindi ako gutom, pero alam ko na nakaka-gutom mag-aral, so baka gutom na si Marcus.

Pagbalik ko, tapos na siyang magcheck.

“Kain ka muna,” I offered, sliding in front of him the bowl of chips and cheese dip.

He nodded. “Tignan mo muna iyong mga mali mo, tapos pagkatapos kong check-an iyong sa Biology at saka ko ipapaliwanag iyong mga hindi mo nasagutan ng tama,” he said. Nung nagchecheck siya sa Bio part, hindi pa rin siya gumagamit ng answer sheet! Grabe, curious na curious na talaga ako dito! I mean, ganoon ba siya katalino kaya ’di niya na kailangan ng validation ng answer sheet?

Yeah, I guess… Nag-iisa ba namang Magna Cum Laude sa buong Engineering Department, e.

After Marcus was done checking my Bio exam, he proceeded to explain to me the concepts that were vague before but after he explained it, gosh, naintindihan ko na agad! Tama nga si Kitty, iba magpaliwanag si Marcus! He’d use really simple words and analogy para maintindihan ko iyong magugulong concepts. Dapat ganito lahat ng teacher, e! Hindi iyong puro talino lang, dapat magaling din mag-explain.

“Gosh… Ganito lang pala ’yun…” I whispered in awe after I was enlightened. I spent my whole high school life confused, but now I finally see the light.

I caught Marcus smiling at me. Pero nung nakita ko siya, tinigil niya iyong ngiti niya.

I wrinkled my nose. “Ang mahal ng ngiti mo ngayon, ha, Marcus Isaiah Nicolas,” I said, before I pulled him so that we could get lunch.

---

The days quickly passed. Marcus was in our house everyday para turuan ako. I still didn’t know if I’d pay him or what kasi nagsasayang siya ng oras sa akin, but habang hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin, binubusog ko na lang siya. As in kung pwede lang na every hour e kumakain kami, ginagawa ko.

“Marcus!” sabi ko habang hinahabol siya. Kakatapos lang naming magreview. Bukas na iyong last day ng review namin.

Napa-tigil siya.

“Sa ’yo ’yan?” I asked, pointing at the bike. He nodded. “Di ba sa malayo ka pa naka-tira?” tanong ko ulit. Tumango siya. “So… pumunta ka rito ng naka-bike?”

He nodded again. “May helmet naman ako.”

We stared at each other for a while. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. I felt like I owed him so much more kasi… I mean, he rode a freaking bike all the way here para lang turuan ako! Tapos gabi pa siya nakakauwi dahil sa dami ng tanong ko sa kanya!

“Hatid kita sa inyo, gusto mo? Lagay na lang natin ’yung bike mo sa likod ng pick-up,” I offered. “Kasi napagod yata kita ngayon,” I quickly added. I didn’t want to offend him in any way. I just felt really indebted to him dahil mas lalo kong naaappreciate iyong ginagawa niya para sa akin. He could be doing other things instead of tutoring me and answering my endless questions.

He smiled, and shook his head. “Okay lang. Saka may dadaanan pa ako, e,” he said.

I bit my lower lip. “Sure ka?”

He nodded. “Pahinga ka na. Bukas half-day lang tayo para makapagpahinga ka bago iyong NMAT,” he said. I nodded, and then he rode the bike.

“…okay,” I replied.

He smiled. “Wag kang mag-alala, makaka-pasa ka,” sabi niya bago kumaway sa akin.

Chapter 43

#ABNQ43 Chapter 43

Today was the last day of our review. I felt confident because Marcus was really a good teacher. But still, there’s this fear inside me na paano kung hindi ako maka-sagot? Paano kung ma-mental block ako? Paano kung biglang malimutan ko lahat ng pinag-aralan ko?

My mind was flooded with all my fear, and it’s making me feel all choked up on the inside.

“Tapos na?” tanong ko kay Marcus nung isara niya iyong chine-check-an niya. He nodded. “Uh… ’di mo ba ieexplain sa akin iyong mga mali ko?”

Umiling siya. “Wala ka namang mali, e.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Wag ka ngang magjoke!”

He laughed. His eyes was smiling with his lips. “Totoo nga. Nasagutan mo ng tama lahat,” sabi niya, pero dahil hindi ako makapaniwala, inagaw ko sa kanya iyong test paper, at tinignan ko mismo sa sarili ko kung may mali ba.

“Oh, my god,” I said as I stared at an error-less exam. I kept on blinking and I even pinched myself to see if I was just dreaming this. “Wala akong mali,” I said, staring at him.

He gave me a gentle smile, and nodded. “Kanina ko pa kaya sinasabi sa ’yo.”

“Pano nangyari ’to?” I said, then stared back at the paper. I just couldn’t believe na perfect ako! E Chem and Physics iyong sinagutan namin! Nitong mga nakaraang araw, sobrang dami kong tanong kay Marcus dahil ang dami nalilito ako. Ang dami ko ring mali na sagot… kaya paano nangyari ’to?

Marcus shrugged. “Practice makes perfect,” sabi niya.

I bit my lower lip. “Pero ’di nga? Perfect talaga? ’Di joke ’to?”

“Bakit naman kita ijo-joke?” sabi niya.

“E mahilig ka sa mga jokes, ’di ba?”

Bigla niya akong tinignan. Biglang nawala iyong ngiti sa mukha ko.

One.

Two.

Three.

Gusto kong magsalita dahil ayoko ng ganito sa pagitan namin. Marcus had been really helpful to me. I wanted to be friends with him… but we couldn’t be friends if every time, something like this would happen.

The way he looked at me.

Like… God, I didn’t even want to think about it.

“May tumatawag na naman sa ’yo,” I said when his phone started vibrating. Laking pasasalamat ko nang tumunog iyong phone niya. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay nalulunod na ako sa mga tingin niya. Na hindi dapat. Kasi hindi tama.

Binaling niya iyong tingin niya sa phone niya. Mabilis siyang tumayo para sagutin iyon.

And when he was finally out of my sight, I let out a heavy breath… and quickly called Psalm. I was impatiently drumming my fingers against the table while praying that he’d quickly answer the call. Gusto ko na siyang makausap para mapanatag na ulit iyong loob ko.

“Hey…” I gently said when Psalm answered my call.

“Last day tomorrow,” he said.

“Of what?”

“Not seeing you,” he replied. “You’re all mine after that, right?”

I laughed. “Yes, captain,” sagot ko. “Any plans?” I asked. My parents were never strict with me, but hindi ko lang alam kung papayagan nila ako with Psalm… knowing that we’re together. Iyong kay Steele naman kasi dati hindi nila alam.

“Been thinking about that all week,” he said. “Are you ready for your exam?” he asked.

I nodded. “I think so… Mukhang okay naman.”

“You’ll do well, Joey. Hatid kita bukas?”

“Yes, please,” I answered. Alam ko na kahit hindi ako masyadong kinakabahan ngayon, bukas ay sobrang kakabahan ako. And I badly needed Psalm to keep me calm. Basta kasi katabi ko siya, kalmado ako. Kasi alam ko na nandyan lang siya lagi. That even if things go south, he’d always have my back.

Kasi ganoon siya.

Understanding and supportive to a fault.

“What food do you want to eat?” he asked.

“Anything light,” I answered, then I saw Marcus walking back. “Hey, will call you later, okay? Enjoy ka d’yan sa office,” I said before ending the call.

Pagbalik ni Marcus, kita ko na naka-kunot iyong noo niya. He looked so problematic, and I did want to ask him what was wrong, but I was afraid that I’d step on some imaginary line between us.

Pero nang naupo siya, at nagpakawala ng napaka-lalim na buntong-hininga, I just felt like I needed to ask him what was wrong.

“May… gusto ka bang pag-usapan?” I asked as carefully as I could.

Mabilis siyang umiling. Inayos niya na rin iyong gamit niya. “Hindi. Aalis na rin ako. May tanong ka pa ba? Para bukas?” sabi niya habang inaayos iyong mga gamit niya.

I sighed. I guessed he really didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to be friends, but I didn’t want to push it either. It felt like it would be best for both of us kung ganito na lang. Hindi magkaibigan, pero hindi rin magkagalit. Acquaintances. That’s what we are. And maybe that’s a good thing.

Nang maayos niya na iyong mga gamit niya, tumayo na rin ako para ihatid siya sa labas.

“Marcus…” I said even before he could take a step.

Huminto siya, at saka lumingon sa akin. He was looking at me, waiting for what I’d say next. But I couldn’t find the right words. I couldn’t express my thoughts coherently because there’s so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how.

“Thank you,” I said, trying to contain all my thoughts into these two words.

“You’re welcome,” he replied.

“Uh… can I take you to lunch? As a thanks? For teaching me?” I asked. I badly wanted to do something for him because he’s been really nice to me. I mean, sino ba namang tao ang mag-aaksaya ng oras para turuan ako. Iyong iba naming classmates nasa kung saan-saan na habang naghihintay ng graduation. Tapos itong si Marcus, instead na magpahinga, tinuturuan ako.

“Okay lang naman. ’Di naman ako napagod na turuan ka.”

“Marcus…” I said, biting my lower lip to steady myself. “Why do I feel like I wronged you kahit wala naman akong ginagawa?”

I knew we shouldn’t even be talking about this kasi ano’ng point? Wala naman. But I knew that this would continue to bother me hanggang hindi ko alam iyong sagot. Hanggang alam ko na may isang tao na hindi maayos dahil sa ’kin.

I just needed to know his answer.

I just needed to know what I could do to make things better for him.

“Wala ka naman talagang ginagawa.”

“Then why are you like this? Nandito ka sa harap ko, pero ramdam na ramdam ko na ayaw mo akong kasama? Kasi kung ayaw mo talaga, sana ’di ka na lang nag-offer na tuturuan ako. Sana wala ka na lang dito. Kasi ang gulo, alam mo ’yun? I want us to be okay, but you’re making it really hard for me. I feel like one wrong word, and I’d fuck things up.”

We stared at each other, waiting for the other one to say something, anything. I didn’t even know if we’d see each other again after this, but I wanted to do this. Because I felt like we owe it to each other to be okay. Na kahit sandali lang naman talaga kami magkakilala, dapat maayos pa rin kami magtapos.

He smiled.

“Don’t smile,” I said. “Don’t smile if you don’t feel like it. I don’t like your fake smiles.”

His smile faltered.

“I know we didn’t know each other for a long time—”

“I’d known you since we were in first year,” he cut me off. Mabilis na umawang iyong labi ko sa mga sinabi niya. “Mahaba pa ’yung buhok mo nun tapos lagi kitang nakikita sa labas ng council room. Hinihintay mo ’yung si Kitty nun kasi sabay kayong umuuwi.”

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya habang nagsasalita siya. Hindi ko alam iyong isasagot ko sa mga sinasabi niya.

“Then why didn’t you introduce yourself?”

The smile on his face disappeared. “Because I don’t feel worthy.”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bumagal iyong tibok ng puso ko. Kung bakit nagsisimulang magluha iyong mga mata ko. Kung bakit bumibigat iyong paghinga ko.

“Tinatanong mo dati kung bakit ako may hikaw sa tenga, ’di ba? Kasi gago ako. Hindi naman talaga ako ’yung sinasabi mo na Marcus Isaiah Nicolas na ChemEng student, member ng swimming team, president ng Student council. Kasi hindi naman ako dapat si Marcus na nag-iisang Magna Cum Laude sa engineering department. Kasi hindi naman ako dapat member ng swimming team. Kasi hindi naman ako dapat presideng ng council. Kasi kaya ko lang naman ginagawa lahat ng ’yan kasi wala naman akong choice.”

I wanted to come near him.

To hold his hand.

To tell him it’s gonna be okay.

“I wanted to know you for so long, Joey. First year pa lang ako, gusto na kitang makilala… pero ano’ng gagawin ko? Nagka-sakit iyong Papa ko. Naubos ’yung ipon namin. Hindi na pwede na gago lang ako sa school. Kailangan kong maging member ng swimming team para sa scholarship. Ang dami kong kailangang habulin para lang makapag-aral. Nag-aaral pa ’yung kapatid ko kaya lahat na lang ng scholarship pinapatulan ko. Si Mama hindi makapagtrabaho. Ako na lang yata ’yung bumubuhay sa pamilya namin. Wala akong panahon para makilala ka. Ikaw ’yung huli sa priority ko, pero nung matatapos na ’yung school year…” he said, then smiled.

I hated how a tear escaped from his face. I hate how quickly he wiped away that tear. Na parang hindi siya pwedeng maging mahina. Na parang hindi siya pwedeng masaktan. Kasi dapat malakas lang siya lagi.

“Kasalanan ni Kitty ’to, e. Kasi narinig kong sinabi niya na nakita niya raw na may Tinder ka sa phone mo. Ako naman si tanga, sabi sa sarili niya, kung gagawa ako tapos magmamatch tayo, siguro sign na ’yun. Na ako muna. Na unahin ko muna ’yung sarili ko. Kasi ilang taon na na hindi ako maka-hinga. Ang dami kong ginagawa. Tapos… akalain mo, nagreply ka pa? Akala ko ’yun na, e. Kaso… may Psalm na nga.

“Pero hindi ako galit kasi wala namang may kasalanan. Ang tagal na kitang kilala, pero wala akong ginawa. Kasalanan ko rin, e. Pero alam mo ’yun? Tuwing nandyan ka sa harap ko, tuwing naiisip ko na ang dami nating pagkaka-pareho, hindi ko maalis sa isip ko na paano kaya kung hindi nagka-sakit si Papa? Paano kaya kung hindi ko kailangang halos magpakamatay para lang mataas palagi iyong grade ko? Paano kaya… paano kaya kung priority ko pa rin na makilala ka?”

He smiled.

Another tear fell.

Another tear that was quickly wiped away.

“Pero okay lang. Magiging okay naman. Siguro.” He smiled. “Alam ko lagi mo akong gustong tanungin kung bakit maraming tumatawag sa ’kin ngayong linggo. Mga offer ’yun para magtrabaho. Masaya si Mama kasi malaki ’yung mga offer ng sweldo sa ’kin.” He paused. “Magiging okay na. Siguro. Sana.”

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. Hindi ko pa rin alam iyong sasabihin. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang isasagot ko sa kanya.

“Marcus…” I said.

He smiled. Iyong pekeng masaya. Iyong ayaw kong nakikita sa kanya.

“Kalimutan mo na lang lahat ng sinabi ko ngayon, okay? Gusto ko lang sabihin sa ’yo para ’wag mong isipin na ikaw ’yung may problema kasi ako talaga ’yung may problema. Ang dami kong iniisip. Ang dami kong gustong gawin kaso hindi pwede kasi mas marami ’yung dapat kong gawin.”

He took a step backward.

“Good luck sa exam mo bukas,” he said, smiling and waving.

Tumalikod siya, at nagsimulang maglakad paalis, but I shouted his name. He halted.

“Marcus!” I shouted. “What do you want to do?” I asked.

Kasi baka pwede.

Kahit isang bagay lang.

Baka pwede na tulungan ko siya.

He turned back, and smiled.

“I wanted to become a doctor, but that’s impossible because I have to work,” he said, smiling. “So, pass your exam for me, okay?” he continued before he walked out of my sight.

Chapter 44

#ABNQ44 Chapter 44

“Good morning,” Psalm greeted, handing me a paper bag from Starbucks. Lumabas na ako mula sa bahay kasi gusto ko na agad pumunta sa testing site. I didn’t want to stay longer inside because I was itching to get this day over with.

I smiled, taking the paper bag from him. “Thanks,” I replied. Sumakay na ako sa sasakyan niya. “Can I eat here?” I asked. I haven’t eaten inside Psalm’s car yet kasi una, feeling ko bawal dahil sobrang linis ng sasakyan niya. Pangalawa, I never had the chance to eat here kasi lagi naman kaming nasa library or gym or resto.

He nodded, revving the engine. “Is your test kit ready?” he asked.

I nodded, then showed him the transparent envelope. “Here.”

“Test permit?” he asked again.

“Here,” I replied.

He nodded. “I don’t know if you can bring food, but I prepared snacks for you,” he said, then pointed at the backseat of his car kung nasaan iyong isa pang paper bag. “Looked up your sched, and you have an hour for lunch break. I’ll just buy lunch for us. What do you want to eat?” tanong niya sa ’kin.

Lihim akong napa-ngiti. It’s nice to be taken care like this. To feel so special like this.

“Bahala ka na,” I said. “Okay ka lang?” I asked because he looked so tensed.

“Yeah,” he said, then quickly looked at me. “Why?”

I shrugged. “Wala, parang mas kinakabahan ka pa sa ’kin, e.”

He did a nervous laugh. “Yeah… I don’t know why I’m feeling nervous,” he said, then ran his hands through his broccoli hair. “We’ll arrive early. Do you want to review or what? I borrowed Jed’s flash cards,” he said tapos kumunot iyong noo ko. “Jed’s my doctor cousin. He still has the flash cards he used when he took up NMAT,” paliwanag niya.

I nodded. “Pwede naman, pero baka ma-mental block na ako, e,” I said. Sabi kasi ni Marcus mas okay if relaxed na iyong utak bago mag-exam kaya nga kahapon half-day lang kami nag-aral, e.

Tumango na lang si Psalm. I continued to ask him, instead, tungkol sa mga ginagawa niya sa embassy. If I didn’t plan on pursuing med, maybe I’d work in an embassy, too. Tutal doon din naman talaga papunta iyong degree ko, e. But life has a different plan for me.

“Ano’ng ginagawa mo ’dun?” I asked.

“Just meeting people,” he said.

“May babae?”

Finally, Psalm laughed. “Yeah…” he said, then looked at me. Red iyong stop light kaya grabe kung maka-tingin si Psalm sa akin. He was grinning, then reached for my hand. “I just talk to them for work.”

“Talaga lang, ha.”

He was laughing again, then he brought my hand up and kissed the back of it. “Of course. I only have eyes for Joey.”

“Tss. Siguraduhin mo ’yan. Kapag busy na ako sa medschool, dapat busy ka lang sa trabaho o sa basketball o sa family mo. ’Di ka pwede maging busy sa ibang babae, sinasabi ko sa ’yo.”

Psalm bit his lower lip. My god, na-distract agad ako. He shouldn’t be doing that!

“Okay,” he said. “Anything else?”

“Uhm… Dapat magtetext ka sa ’kin palagi kahit hindi agad ako makaka-reply,” I said, and he nodded. “Required na at least once a week magkita tayo para naman ’di mo maka-limutan ’tong mukha ko.”

He bit his lower lip again. Ugh!

“Ano pa?” he asked.

I looked at him. I bit my lower lip, too.

“Required na… na kahit alam kong mahihirapan tayong dalawa, walang bibitaw, okay? It’s gonna be hard, but we have each other, right? We’re in this together, sabi mo, ’di ba?”

It was frightening. It was frightening to know that time could change everything. That what if he forgets about me? That what if I forget about him? What if we get so fucking busy that we forget about each other?

Ang daming pwedeng mangyari.

Ang daming pwedeng mawala.

But we shouldn’t just give up without a fight. I knew we stood a chance. I knew Psalm would support me in achieving my dreams… and I wouldn’t just give Psalm up. Alam kong mahihirapan ako sa mga gusto kong gawin sa buhay, pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na handa akong i-give up siya… kasi pwede namang sabay, ’di ba? Pwede naman na kasama ko siya habang inaabot ko ’yung pangarap ko.

“I always got your back, Joey,” he said.

---

Pagpasok ko sa loob ng testing room, puno iyon ng kabadong mga mukha. I was sure that they’re mirroring the same expression on my face. I felt like vomiting. I felt nauseated. I felt so fucking nervous.

Nang pumasok iyong proctor at ipaliwanag iyong mga mangyayari, mas lalo lang lumala iyong pagka-hilo ko. I knew I shouldn’t mess this up, or else hindi ako makakapasok sa gusto kong school. Every question in this exam mattered. Every point fucking mattered.

“Part 1 of your exam begins now,” the proctor said.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I also said a little prayer before I began.

“Here goes nothing,” I whispered to myself as I began answering the test.

---

After the exam, pakiramdam ko gusto kong ilabas lahat ng kinain ko kaninang lunch. Nahihilo na ako. Gusto ko na lang matulog tapos bukas ko na iisipin iyong ibang bagay.

Paglabas ko sa testing site, agad kong nakita si Psalm. He was standing in the middle. He was looking at me. He was smiling. I felt like crying, but seeing him there was enough to pacify my heart.

“Ang dami kong mali…” bulong ko paglapit ko sa kanya.

Psalm looked at me, then cupped my face. “You did your best. I’m sure it will be fine, Joey.”

My lips were trembling. “Paano kapag hindi ako nakapasa?”

Umiling siya. “You’ll pass. Positive thoughts, Jo. Positive thoughts attract positive results,” he said, then planted a soft kiss on my forehead. Ako, niyakap ko siya. I calmed myself against his body as I repeatedly told myself that it’d be fine.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na ganoon, pero gusto ko na yakap ko lang si Psalm. I stayed inside his arms until I felt pacified.

“You wanna go somewhere or you wanna go home and rest?”

I looked up to him while my hands were still wrapped around his body. “Pwedeng bukas na tayo gumala?” I asked, and frowned. “Sobrang sakit na ng ulo ko.”

He smiled, and nodded. “You wanna eat first or…?”

“Uwi na,” I said.

Tumawa siya, tapos pinisil iyong ilong ko. “You’re so cute when you’re acting like a baby,” sabi niya. Inalis ko iyong yakap ko sa kanya. Inakbayan ako ni Psalm habang naglalakad kami pabalik sa sasakyan niya. He began talking about random stuff na hindi ko maintindihan kung saan niya hinuhugot. But I knew that he was just trying to divert my attention. Kasi ayaw niya na malungkot ako. Kasi ganoon siya.

God, I was just so blessed to have him in my life.

---

“Tapos na?” Papa asked while reading a book about neurology.

I bit my lower lip. “Yeah…” I sighed, then got myself a glass of water. “Alam mo, ang unfair, Pa. Bakit si Jax ang talino? ’Di man lang nagtira sa akin ng kaunti.”

Tumawa si Papa, tapos binaba iyong libro niya. “Matalino ka rin naman, ah?” he said, and I wrinkled my nose in reply. “At saka nag-aral ka naman. Tiwala lang ng konti, anak.”

I smiled. “Thanks, Pa. Sana nga makapasa ako.”

“Sigurado ka na ba na gusto mo ’to?” he asked. His voice was serious that it kinda scared me. “If you decide that you want this, it’s a lifetime commitment, Jocelyn,” sabi niya. I hate it when he uses my real name.

“I want this, Pa.”

“You’ll have to spend every waking day reading. Endless reading, anak. And you don’t only have to read, you have to understand everything kasi buhay ang naka-salalay dito,” sabi niya.

Tumango ako. “Sa tingin niyo ba hindi ko kaya?” tanong ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya sinasabi sa ’kin ’to. I couldn’t even remember if he asked Jax this.

“Of course not!” he said. “Alam kong kaya mo. Ang sa ’kin lang, gusto ko na alam mo ’yung papasukin mo. Nung nag-aaral ako, Joey, marami akong kaklase na bigla na lang nawala… kasi hindi naman pala sila sigurado sa ginagawa niya. Sayang sa pera at oras, alam mo ’yun?”

“I want this, Pa. I really, really want this,” I said, staring into his eyes because I wanted him to see the seriousness in my voice. About what I wanted this. How badly I wanted this.

Tumango si Papa. “Okay…” he said. “Just be ready for 2 hours of sleep, of taking exams weekly, of living on coffee, of seeing your friends build a name for themselves habang ikaw estudyante pa rin.”

I groaned. “Pa naman! Tinatakot niyo ako, e.”

Tumawa si Papa. “Hindi kita tinatakot. Sinasabi ko lang sa ’yo ’yung mangyayari para alam mo. You’ll juggle about 17 subjects a sem. Iyong pinag-aaralan mo ng isang quarter ngayong college, isang meeting lang sa medschool.”

I bit my lip. “Kaya ko, Pa.”

He smiled. “I know. Anak kita, e.”

I smiled, too. “Swerte ko.”

Tumango si Papa. “And most importantly, you’ll have us, your family. We’ll be your support system, okay? Nandito lang ako, ang Mama mo, si Jax. Pwede mo kaming kausapin kapag nahihirapan ka na.”

Biglang nagtubig iyong mga mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya. I’d always known how lucky I was to be born into this family. Kasi alam ko naman na hindi lahat ay sinwerte na mabigyan ng magulang na kasing supportive nila. Ng kapatid na kasing understanding ni Jax.

I was so privileged and blessed.

Tapos… tapos si Marcus ni hindi magawang gawin iyong gusto niya dahil sa mga dapat niyang gawin.

“Pa…” I trailed. “Di may mga scholar ka?” I asked.

Papa came from the bottom. Silang dalawa ni Mama. I really loved their story kasi kahit na walang-wala sila dati, nagsumikap silang dalawa para maging doctor at attorney. Kaya simula nung maayos na iyong buhay nila, kumukuha na sila ng scholar. Pero wala pa akong alam na scholar ni Papa na nag-aaral sa medschool. Puro high school o sa college lang.

Pero si Marcus…

I knew that he would be a good doctor. He could be.

He nodded. “Oo,” he said, smiling. “Pa-graduate na nga iyong tatlo. Akalain mo’t sabay pa kayo?”

I bit my lower lip. Paano ko ba sasabihin ’to? Hindi ko alam kung papayag si Papa kasi alam ko na malaking pera iyong gagastusin sa medschool. Hindi biro mag-aral ng medicine. Kung hindi sila Mama ang magulang ko, hindi ko iisipin na mag-aral nun kasi alam ko na mahirap at mahal.

“Ah… ano, may mga scholar ba sa medschool, Pa?”

Agad kumunot iyong noo niya. “Bakit? Mag-aapply ka?”

Umiling ako kasi sigurado ako na hindi ko kaya iyong pressure na palaging mataas ang grades.

Fuck.

Si Marcus.

Si Marcus at iyong palagi niyang mataas dapat na grades.

Ang… ang gago nga niya. Na palagi siyang naka-ngiti at masaya kahit hirap na hirap na pala siya. Kahit hindi niya gusto ’yung ginagawa niya. Na ginagawa niya pa rin kasi dapat. Kasi iyon ’yung dapat niyang gawin.

“Kasi, Pa… Naaalala niyo si Marcus?” I asked. He nodded. “Kasi ano… Gusto niya ring mag-aral ng med.”

Kumunot ang noo ni Papa. “Di ba engineer ’yun?”

I nodded, and sighed. “Opo, kaya lang gusto niya ring maging doctor kaya lang hindi pwede kasi dapat magtrabaho na siya,” I said. I didn’t know how to say Marcus’ story because it wasn’t mine to tell… but I promised myself that I’d help him do what he wanted. Kahit iyon lang.

And he told me he wanted to become a doctor.

And I’d do what I could to help him achieve that.

Tumango si Papa. “I’ll see what I can do,” Papa said, smiling.

I told you, Marcus. I’d make one of your dreams come true.

Chapter 45

#ABNQ45 Chapter 45

Waiting was one of the things that I was not particularly fond of. I didn’t hate the waiting per se, but I hated the feeling that I get whenever I’d wait. Kasi hindi ko alam kung papasa ba ako o babagsak. And the uncertainty is killing me. Not knowing is torturing me.

“Good morning,” Papa greeted. I woke up late today. Ngayon ko lang talaga nararamdaman lahat ng stress mula pa nung finals hanggang sa NMAT kahapon. I got a slight fever, so Psalm decided to give me a few days to rest. Anyway, I didn’t think we’d both enjoy din naman kung may sakit ako.

I smiled at Pa. “Morning din po,” I said while I drank my mug of water. Whenever I was sick, palagi lang akong pinapainom ni Papa ng tubig. Iinom lang talaga ako ng gamot kapag hindi ko na kaya. Sabi nga ni Papa, water is life.

“Pwede bang pumunta si Marcus dito?” he asked.

Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Bakit, Pa? May nahanap na kayong scholarship?” I asked. I knew Papa had some friends in high places. I mean, he’s a neurosurgeon and sobrang konti lang nila sa Pilipinas.

Papa just wrinkled his nose a bit, not really giving me the answer that I needed. “Si Marcus na lang ang kakausapin ko,” he said, instead.

I groaned. “Pa naman!”

“Confidential kasi ’to,” he said. I eyed him. Kailan pa naging confidential ang paghingi ng scholarship? “Hindi nagNMAT si Marcus, ’di ba?” he asked, and I nodded. “Well, kung gusto niyang maka-pasok ngayong school year, I need to pull some strings… and you know that that’s not ethical.”

Biglang umawang iyong labi ko. Seriously?! My father’s willing to do something like this?! E nung gusto kong manood ng concert tapos gusto ko sa VIP, hindi niya nagawan ng paraan! To think na pasyente niya noon iyong isa sa apo ng mga Araneta! Pambihira!

“So, I’d really rather discuss it with Marcus, anak,” he said.

I sighed. “Fine,” sabi ko. But I grinned. “Thanks, Pa! You’re the best talaga!” I said before I ran upstairs to get my phone. There was a text from Psalm, so I replied to him first. When I was composing my text to Marcus, my fingers began to get all fidgety because of the excitement. I wanted to call him. Alam ko naman na sasagot siya kasi sinasagot niya naman kahit hindi naka-save sa phone niya iyong number dahil nga maraming tumatawag sa kanya na firms.

Quickly, I looked for the paper he gave me. I dialed his number, and drummed my fingers against the bedside table habang hinihintay kong sagutin niya iyong tawag.

“Hi!” I perkily said when he finally answered the call.

“Uh… hi?”

“Si Joey ’to,” I said, then laid on my bed.

“Alam ko,” he said.

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “But ngayon lang kita tinawagan,” sabi ko tapos biglang napaawang iyong labi ko. Fuck. Matagal niya na nga pala akong kilala. Malamang may number ko din siya.

But I didn’t want to dwell on that because I badly wanted to tell him about the good news.

“Anyway, busy ka ba ngayon?” I asked.

“Bakit?” tanong niya. He sounded like if he could, he’d rather not see me, and naiintindihan ko naman. But this one’s about his future, so I needed to endure his tone.

“Basta. Promise, you’ll regret if ’di ka pumunta agad dito,” pangungumbinsi ko sa kanya. Sana pumunta agad siya kasi knowing Papa’s line of work, baka bigla na lang nasa ospital na naman ’yun! Tapos ’di ko na naman alam kung kailan uuwi kasi kapag nagsimula iyong operation nun, ’di na lumalabas sa operating room hanggang ’di natatapos.

I heard him sighing. “Sige,” sabi niya.

I grinned. “Okay. See you asap!” sabi ko bago ko binaba iyong tawag.

Mabilis akong bumaba pagkatapos nun. I drank another glass of water, hopefully sana bukas okay na talaga ako para makapagdate na kami ni Psalm. Ang dami kong kailangang bawiin sa kanya kasi sobrang MIA talaga ako for almost a month because of finals and NMAT.

Nagsabi ako kay Manang na may bisitang dadating. Nagstart na si Manang na magluto habang naka-tambay lang ako sa dining area. Wala na talaga akong gagawin kasi tapos na iyong school pati NMAT. Officially, tambay mode na ako.

“Morning, Jax!” I greeted my brother who looked really groggy. Kakatapos lang ng finals niya nung Saturday, and buong araw siyang tulog kahapon kaya ngayon ko lang siya nakita.

“Morning,” he greeted with a low voice.

“Magte-take ng LAE si Kitty,” I said, waiting for his reaction.

“Ah.”

“Wala ka bang tips?”

“Mag-aral siya,” tipid na sabi niya tapos pumunta sa kusina para kumuha ng baso ng maligamgam na tubig. Mukhang wala sa mood si Jax kaya hindi ko na siya ginulo. Lumabas na lang ako habang hinihintay si Marcus na dumating. Dapat siguro sinabi ko na susunduin ko na lang siya? Baka kasi mas matagalan pa siya dahil sa bike niya, e!

Sobrang excited na talaga akong sabihin sa kanya iyong good news!

But it began raining. Pumasok ako sandali para kumuha ng dalawang payong. Naghintay pa rin ako kay Marcus sa labas. Dapat talaga sinundo ko na lang siya, e. Delikado pa naman magbike kapag ganito na madulas iyong daan.

“Oh, come on!” sabi ko sa langit nung palakas nang palakas iyong patak ng ulan. Bakit naman ngayon pa umulan? Kung kailan magandang balita iyong sasabihin ko!

I looked at the road, and still no sign of Marcus. I ran back to the house, and got the key for the pick-up. Mabilis na nilabas ko iyong sasakyan. Habang nagda-drive ako palabas ng village, sinubukan kong tawagan si Marcus.

“Hey!” I said when he picked up. “Where are you? Ang lakas ng ulan.”

“Nasa intersection. Ang lakas ng ulan, nagpapa-tila lang ako,” sabi niya.

I quickly took a right turn nung marinig ko iyong sagot niya. I asked him questions habang nagda-drive ako papunta doon. He sounded like he wasn’t having fun talking to me, pero nang huminto ako sa gilid, nakita ko na naka-ngiti naman siya habang nakikinig sa sinasabi ko.

“I’m here,” I said. Kita ko na kumunot ang noo niya. “Gray Tundra,” sabi ko. Mabilis na lumingon siya, at saka kumaway naman ako. Lalabas na sana ako para iabot sa kanya iyong payong nang mabilis siyang naglakad papunta sa akin.

“Bakit ka nandito?” tanong niya.

“It’s raining.”

His face was hardened. Rain was cascading down his face. His eyes bore hole on my face. His lips were trembling from the cold.

“Wag kang pumunta sa ’kin.”

My face fell. “I just thought—” I said, but the seriousness on his face cut me off. Instead, I tried to wear the same smile he wore around me all the time. “Pasok ka na,” I said because he was standing under the pouring rain.

Tahimik akong naghintay habang nilalagay niya sa likod iyong bike niya. Kinuha ko sa likod iyong spare na t-shirt ni Jax para ipahiram kay Marcus. I didn’t want him to get sick… lalo na ngayon na alam ko na siya iyong inaasahan sa pamilya niya.

“Magpalit ka muna,” I said, handing over the shirt. Niyukyok ko sa manibela iyong mukha ko dahil ayokong panoorin siya na nagpapalit. Ayaw ko lang talaga siyang magkasakit. “Tapos ka na?” tanong ko.

“Tapos na,” sagot niya.

I didn’t know how to strike a decent conversation with him kasi halata naman na ayaw niya akong kausap. Instead, I began to drive home. Binabalot ng katahimikan iyong sasakyan. Naka-tingin lang ako ng diretso habang nakaupo siya sa tabi ko.

When we pulled up in the garage, the rain was still pouring hard.

“Uh… gusto mong maligo muna?” I offered. I really didn’t want him to get sick. I’d blame myself kapag nagkasakit siya dahil sa ’kin.

Umiling siya. I gritted my teeth. He’s being really hard-headed.

“Just… just please take a bath, okay? It’s for you. Magkaka-sakit ka kasi naulanan ka,” I said with finality. “Ayun ’yung guest room. May CR dun. May towel na rin. Papapuntahin ko na lang ’yung kapatid ko para pahiramin ka ng damit,” utos ko sa kanya.

Alam ko na ramdam niya na naaasar na rin ako sa kanya kaya mabilis siyang naglakad papunta doon. Habang naliligo na siya, sinabi ko muna kay Papa na pinaligo ko si Marcus kasi naulanan. Tapos, pumunta na ako sa kwarto ni Jax para manghiram ng damit.

“Hey,” I said after knocking. “Can I borrow some clothes? Naulanan kasi si Marcus.”

“Nandito ulit siya?” tanong ni Jax. “Tapos na ’yung NMAT, ah,” he said while standing up to get some clothes.

I nodded. “Yeah, but kakausapin siya ni Papa.”

“Para sa?”

I shrugged. “Confidential,” I said, grinning. I liked how Papa and I had this secret of ours. It makes me feel special.

“Confidential…” he mimicked. “Does Psalm know?”

My lips parted a bit. “Hindi… pa,” I said. I was supposed to tell him last night, but I was just too freaking tired that I slept while trying to dial his number. Tapos kanina naman, sinabi agad sa akin ni Papa na kakausapin niya si Marcus kaya preoccupied agad ako.

Jax nodded in an annoying way, then tossed me the shirts. “You’re creating problems, Joey,” he said, grinning. “Now, out of my room.”

I didn’t have time to protest dahil tinutulak niya na ako palabas ng kwarto niya. Bakit naman magagalit si Psalm? E gusto ko lang naman tulungan si Marcus! Wala namang kung anumang underlying motive sa ginagawa ko. At saka sasabihin ko rin naman talaga sa kanya, naka-tulog lang ako.

Pagbaba ko, mahina akong kumatok sa guest room dahil wala sa mood si Jax na dalhin iyong shirt kay Marcus. No one was speaking, so I slowly opened the door. Nasa CR pa siguro si Marcus kaya naman lumapit ako sa kama tapos nilagay doon iyong mga damit.

Ugh! There’s something really fucking wrong about holding your brother’s boxers! Kahit pa sabihin na nasa lalagyan pa iyon at hindi pa nagagamit!

After I put the clothes down, tatalikod na sana ako para lumabas nang biglang bumukas iyong pinto. Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang makita ko si Marcus.

Holy.

Fucking.

Eight?!

I felt my throat getting drier by the second. My eyes began blinking so fucking fast with the sight in front of me.

“Ah-eh. Ano. Ayan na ’yung damit,” I said, trying my best to keep my eyes on his face because he’s only wearing a motherfucking towel! With drops of water cascading down his—nope. Don’t you even go there, Jocelyn!

‘Tumalikod ka na!’ I chastised myself.

“Sige, bye!” mabilis kong sabi bago halos tumakbo palabas ng guest room. I slammed the door shut, and bumped into my father.

“Okay ka lang?” he asked.

I nodded. “Y-yeah.”

“Namumula ’yung mukha mo,” sabi niya sabay hawak sa noo ko. “Mainit ka rin. Uminom ka na ng gamot,” sabi ni Papa.

My lips were trembling. “A-ah… Okay po,” I said. “S-sige, kukuha lang po ako ng gamot. Ah… nasa guest room lang po si Marcus, pahintay na lang po tapos mag-usap na kayo.”

I quickly walked away while I was slapping both my cheeks.

“What the fuck, Joey?” I kept on asking myself. I got my phone from my pocket, and quickly went to Psalm’s Instagram account. God, I needed to see Psalm right now.

Chapter 46

#ABNQ46 Chapter 46

“Hey!” I said when Psalm answered my call. “Sa work ka pa?” tanong ko sa kanya. Kasalukuyang nasa study room ni Papa si Marcus. Medyo matagal na sila doon, at habang tumatagal, mas lalo lang akong na-cu-curious sa pinag-uusapan nila. I mean, they were talking about the scholarship, so what’s taking them so long?

I heard him sighing. “Yeah.”

“You sound so bored,” I commented. Ever since magstart siya sa office ng Papa niya, parang never na natuwa si Psalm. Alam ko na iba iyong gusto niyang gawin, and I’d fully support him on that. Hindi ko lang alam kung bakit ayaw niya pang sabihin sa parents niya iyong plano niya. His parents are really supportive, so I didn’t see where Psalm was coming from.

And he’s really good at basketball. I didn’t see why he’s hesitant on being a professional player.

“Nah, I’m fine,” he said. “Are you still feeling sick?” he asked. “Did you take your meds already?” sunud-sunod niya ng tanong.

Nahiga ako sa sofa habang kausap ko siya. I played with my hair while talking to him. It would be a lot better if he’s really here with me because I could lay my head on his shoulder. Ewan ko. I just really feel comfortable around Psalm. Siguro kasi matagal na kaming magkaibigan bago kami naging ganito?

And he’d already seen me at my worst—nakita niya na akong walang kilay! I didn’t think I’d ever have to hide anything from him anymore.

“Kumain na po ako, ’di ba sinend ko sa ’yo kanina ’yung breakfast ko?”

“It’s already lunch time,” he reminded me.

I groaned. “Alam mo, minsan ’di ko alam kung tatay ba kita o boyfriend,” sabi ko habang tumatayo para pumunta sa kusina. Naglalakad ako papunta sa cupboard para kumuha ng tinapay.

“You know I can both be your boyfriend and your daddy,” sabi niya.

Muntik ko nang mabitawan iyong bote ng garlic bread spread dahil sa sinabi niya. Mabilis kong naramdaman iyong pamumula ng mukha ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

“Psalm!” sabi ko na parang na-eskandalo ako sa lumabas sa bibig niya. Bigla kong narinig na tumatawa siya. Walangyang ’to! Tuwang-tuwa talaga siya kapag ginaganito niya ako! Kapag talaga ako gumanti sa kanya!

“Sorry, sorry,” he said, still laughing. “I’m just really bored here, Joey.”

Mas okay nga siguro talaga kung nandito siya kasi sasabunutan ko talaga siya! Lagi na lang akong pinagti-trip-an!

“Sabihin mo na kasi kila Tita na gusto mong maglaro professionally,” sabi ko. “I’m sure they’d be okay with that.”

Hindi agad siya nakapagsalita. Alam ko na may dahilan kung bakit hindi niya pa rin sinasabi kila Tita Anna hanggang ngayon iyong gusto niyang gawin sa buhay niya. I wanted to ask him, but also I wanted to wait until he’s ready to tell me. Ayoko kasi siyang pilitin, pero gusto ko rin na alam niya na nandito lang ako. Na ready ako palaging makinig sa kanya.

“I know,” he replied. Hindi ako nagsalita. “I’ll tell them. Soon.”

I sighed. “Okay,” I said. “Anyway, kumakain na po ako ngayon,” sabi ko sabay subo ng sandwich. Naglalakad na ako pabalik sa salas. Gusto ko kasi agad maki-balita kung ano iyong nangyari sa pag-uusap nila Papa at Marcus.

“You know, you have to stop saying po to me, or else I’d have to force you to call me daddy,” Psalm said.

“Psalm Christian!” sabi ko dahil naibuga ko ’yung sandwich dahil sa ka-da-daddy niya! Bwisit na broccoli ’to! Masama talagang ma-bored dahil kung anu-ano ang pumapasok sa isip!

Psalm was still laughing so hard that I wished I could also make a joke about him calling me mommy , but I thought hard against it. There’s absolutely nothing sexy about him calling me mommy!

“Hey, gotta cut this short. Dad’s calling me,” sabi niya.

I sighed. Gusto ko pa siyang maka-usap, e. “Sige. Bye. Tawagan mo ako kapag wala kang ginagawa…”

I heard him sighing, too. “Yeah… I’ll definitely see you later. I really miss you already.”

Biting my lower lip, I nodded. “Okay. See you later… daddy, “ I said, then quickly ended the call. Mabilis akong napahawak sa magkabilang pisngi ko matapos kong sabihin ’yun. My god, Psalm! Kung anu-ano ang ginagawa mo sa ’kin!

From: Eldest Broccoli

Joey!!!!!!!!!!!

Tawang-tawa ako habang binabasa iyong text niya. Psalm had always been a fan of proper grammar, so it’s really funny to see him abusing the exclamation points. Magrereply pa sana ako nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Papa. Binaba ko muna iyong cellphone ko, tapos naupo ako nang maayos.

A few seconds later, I saw Marcus and Papa walking.

“Think about it,” Papa said.

Tumango si Marcus. “Opo. Salamat din po,” sabi niya tapos tinapik ni Papa iyong balikat ni Marcus. Naglakad si Papa papunta sa kusina. Tumayo ako tapos nilapitan si Marcus.

“Ano’ng nangyari?” tanong ko. Marcus just shrugged. Nagsimula siyang maglakad palabas, tapos sinundan ko siya. “Hey,” I called. “Did… Did he say about the scholarship?” I asked.

Tumango siya, pero wala pa rin siyang sinasabi. Tahimik akong naka-sunod sa kanya. Tahimik akong naglalakad hanggang sa makarating na kami sa garage. Nandoon pa rin sa likod ng sasakyan iyong bike niya. Akala ko kukunin niya na ’yun, pero nanatili kaming naka-tayo, at naka-tingin doon.

“Joey.”

Nabigla ako nang tawagin niya iyong pangalan ko.

“Dapat ’di mo ginawa ’yun.”

Umawang iyong labi ko. Hindi ko inaasahan iyong sinabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako sasagot sa sinabi niya.

“Sabi mo… sabi mo ’yun ’yung pangarap mo,” naguguluhang sabi ko sa kanya. Gusto kong makita ’yung mga mata niya, pero hindi ko magawa dahil naka-tingin siya sa mga paa niya. Pero kahit na ganoon, ramdam ko kung gaano kabigat iyong paligid. Dahil sa paghinga niya. Dahil sa kanya.

“Hindi mo maintindihan,” sabi niya.

“E ’di ipaliwanag mo sa ’kin. Sabi mo sa ’kin gusto mo ’yun kaya—”

Bigla siyang nag-angat ng tingin. Biglang sumikip iyong dibdib ko nang makita ko kung paano namumula iyong gilid ng mga mata niya. Kung paano nagbabadyang tumulo iyong luha mula sa mga mata niya.

“Magkaiba tayo, Joey. ’Di porke gusto ko, pwede. Hindi porke pwede, gagawin ko na. May nanay ako, may kapatid ako. Hindi pwede na ’yung gusto ko lang.”

Mabilis niyang pinunasan gamit ang braso niya iyong mga mata niya.

“Di mo dapat ginawa ’yun. Kasi pangarap lang ’yun. Hanggang pangarap lang. Hindi natutupad.”

Mabilis niyang kinuha iyong bike niya, pero pinigilan ko siya.

“So, ganon na lang ’yun? Give up ka na?” matapang na tanong ko sa kanya. Alam ko na may kailangan siyang suportahan, pero ganon na lang ba talaga ’yun? Kasi ang hirap sa ’kin na ’wag siyang tulungan kung ganito na nakikita ko kung gaano niya kagusto ’to.

Kasi… kasi kung hindi niya gusto, hindi naman siya mahihirapan nang ganito.

“Hindi mo ako naiintindihan—”

“No, ikaw ang hindi ko maintindihan!” sigaw ko sa kanya. “Sabi mo sa akin, gusto mo ’yun, pero sa nakikita ko, parang hindi mo naman talaga gusto, Marcus. Kasi kapag gusto mo, paghihirapan mo, ipaglalaban mo. ’Wag mong sabihin sa ’kin na hindi pwede kasi palaging may paraan. ’Wag mong sabihin sa ’kin na imposible kasi alam kong pwede. Iyong tatay ko? Naging doctor kahit walang suporta ng magulang niya. Nag-aral siya habang inaalagaan niya kaming dalawa ni Jax. Nag-aral, ginawan ng paraan, naging doctor, kaya ’wag mong idahilan sa ’kin na hindi pwede.”

Malalim ang paghinga ko nang matapos ako sa sasabihin ko. Nagkaka-sukatan ang tingin naming dalawa—walang gustong sumuko, walang gustong bumitiw.

Marcus was looking at him, his jaw was clenching, his eyes red. I could see the restraint he was practicing, it was as if I could hear the words begging to be said.

“Marcus,” tawag ko sa kanya nang ibaba niya iyong bike niya. Mabilis siyang sumakay doon, at saka lumayo sa akin. Tinawag ko muli iyong pangalan niya, pero ni hindi niya nagawang lumingon sa akin.

---

Psalm came that night. He was in his suit, and I immediately smiled upon seeing him. His tie was undone, and few buttons of his shirt were open.

“Missed me that bad, huh?” he said when I ran, and hugged him. I still felt a little bad because of what happened with Marcus earlier. I knew I overstepped my boundaries, but I knew that I needed to do that. I needed to tell him that he didn’t need to live like that. Na may sarili siyang buhay. Na pwede naman siyang sumaya.

“Brought you your favorite,” sabi niya sabay pakita nung paper bag ng favorite kong resto. “Pumpkin soup.”

I smiled, and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Nagdinner ka na ba?” I asked habang naglalakad kami papunta sa dining area. As usual, wala na naman iyong parents ko dahil… dahil hindi ko alam. Wala talaga akong alam sa mga ginagawa nila dahil puro confidential, lalo na iyong trabaho ni Mama.

Psalm nodded, then removed his coat. “Yeah, had dinner with some important people.”

Ako na iyong kumuha ng kutsara para sa soup ko. “Important people?”

“Yeah, some politician from Spain’s visiting, so we met with his team to finalize some details.”

“Sounds fun,” I said, though from Psalm’s face, his day seemed so horrid. Ibang-iba sa itsura niya kapag nasa school kami. Dati kahit pagod na pagod siya galing sa practice, ramdam mo sa kanya na masaya siya sa ginagawa niya.

Ngayon? It’s just he’s barely getting by.

“Yeah… fun,” he said. “How ’bout you? Did you rest well?”

I nodded, then remembered what Jax said. About how I was creating problems for myself by not telling Psalm about what I did for Marcus… but I reckon if Psalm would get upset by that. He’s a reasonable person. And besides, his family’s got a lot of scholars, too, kaya alam ko na maiintindihan niya iyong ginagawa ko.

But… but of course it’s different because it’s about Marcus.

“May sasabihin ako.”

Agad na naging seryoso iyong mukha niya. I knew he didn’t like when I was like this. I knew because he said he’d get anxious whenever I’d talk serious just like this one.

“Di ba alam mo na si Marcus iyong nagturo sa akin nung NMAT?” tanong ko. Tahimik siyang tumango. Humigpit iyong hawak ko sa kutsara. “So, I discovered na gusto niya rin palang magmedschool… and I told Papa about that.”

Sandali akong tumigil sa sinasabi ko, at pinagmasdan iyong itsura niya. Psalm was just looking at my face, as if he was waiting for the next word that would come out of my mouth.

“I… I still don’t know if this will work out with Marcus, but I just wanna know if you’re okay with this or what?” tanong ko habang seryosong naka-tingin sa kanya. Gusto kong malaman kung ano ang iniisip niya o kung ano ang nararamdaman niya dito.

I wanted him to know that what he feels matters to me.

That I’d always, always take him into consideration.

“He wants to be a doctor, too, huh…” he said, staring at the table in front of him.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

Ilang segundo akong naghintay sa kasunod niyang sasabihin. Malumanay iyong pagtibok ng puso ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya.

“Yeah, sure,” he said after a few agonizing seconds. “Marcus. A doctor. Yeah, sure.”

Chapter 47

#ABNQ47 Chapter 47

Cooking really wasn’t my strongest suit, but I wanted to make it up to Psalm. He’s been so understanding for the past few days, so I wanted to be extra attentive to him ngayong bakasyon ko. I mean, if things go according to plan, I’d be starting med school in a couple of weeks. So, as much as possible, I wanted to spend all the time I could with him.

I prepared baked salmon and brown rice. Nilagyan ko rin ng veggies as side dish. Psalm’s really into healthy eating, so I did research kung ano ba iyong mga pwede niyang kainin.

After I was done preparing his food, naghanda na ako para pumunta sa office niya. Sabi niya sa ’kin kagabi, nasa embassy lang naman siya ngayon. Pagdating ko sa embassy, ang daming security bago makapasok sa loob! Bakit ba hindi pa rin ako nasasanay? Dating a Gomez de Liaño means you have to pass through tons of security! Seriously. I kinda remembered nung naging friends kami nung first year. Literal na ininterview ako ng isa sa mga bodyguards niya. Kailangan pa pala ng clearance bago maging ‘friends’ ng mga GDL.

Agad akong napahinto nang makita ko iyong Papa ni Psalm. Hindi ako maka-galaw sa kinatatayuan ko. Hindi naman siya naka-tingin sa akin dahil may iba siyang kausap, pero grabe iyong kaba ko! Hindi pa kasi alam yata ng parents niya? Or ng buong family niya iyong sa amin? Ilang beses na kasi na ipapakilala dapat ako ni Psalm, pero palagi akong busy!

“Joey?” nagtatakang tanong niya nang makita niya ako.

I smiled awkwardly. “Hi, Uncle,” I greeted. Psalm’s dad is nice, but there’s still this air around him that commands respect. I guess that’s because GDL is a very political clan.

“It’s nice to see you here,” sabi niya.

I smiled again. Shit. Dapat pala nagsabi na lang ako kay Psalm na pupunta ako! But hindi na surprise kapag alam niya! Pero kahit na! Mas ayoko naman iyong ganitong tensed atmosphere kasama iyong tatay niya!

“Uh, yes po, Uncle,” sagot ko habang may parang permanenteng ngiti sa mga labi ko. “Is Psalm here po?” I asked.

Lumingon si Uncle sa secretary niya na agad namang sumagot, at sinabi na may pinuntahan si Psalm. Apparently, my boyfriend’s out with some Spanish dignitary.

“Do you mind waiting? I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” sabi ni Uncle.

I nodded. “Sure po,” sabi ko. Naka-tayo lang ako sa harap ni Uncle, sobrang kinakabahan na ako dahil naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. Na parang may gusto siyang sabihin, pero iniisip niya pa kung sasabihin ba niya.

“Thank you,” biglang sabi niya.

“Po?” nagtatakang tanong ko.

“Psalm never showed any interest in politics,” sabi niya habang naka-ngiti. “Just last night, he asked about working here,” pagpapatuloy ni Tito. Gusto ko pa sanang magtanong, pero biglang sinabi ng sekretarya niya na may kailangan pa siyang puntahan.

He’s gonna work here? But he kept on telling me that he’s always bored here! Na sobrang seryoso ng mga tao, at saka hindi niya kayang tagalan iyong politics dahil hindi niya alam kung sino iyong mga totoong tao sa mga gusto lang siyang kaibiganin dahil sa pamilya niya! Akala ko ba gusto niyang maging professional basketball player? Bakit biglang nagbago iyong isip niya?

---

Psalm didn’t return that day. He was in Batangas for some reasons, and someone just told me na baka mamayang gabi pa siya makakabalik. Umuwi na lang ako, at saka pilit na kinain iyong niluto ko.

“Hi, Pa,” bati ko nang makita ko si Papa.

“Early dinner?” tanong niya sa ’kin, tapos tinignan iyong pagkain ko. “Meron pa ba niyan?”

Umiling ako, tapos nilapit sa kanya iyong pagkain ko. “Sa inyo na lang,” sabi ko kasi wala na ako sa mood na kainin iyong salmon. First time ko pa namang ipagluto si Psalm, tapos hindi niya nakain. Alam ko naman na dahil sa trabaho niya kaya hindi naman ako naiinis, pero sobrang bothered na ako sa biglaang change of direction sa buhay niya. Hindi naman kasi siya ganoong tao. Si Psalm iyong klase ng tao na alam niya iyong gusto niya, at gagawin niya lahat para makuha ’yun. Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung bakit biglang gusto niya ng sumali sa politika.

“Nag-usap na ba kayo ni Marcus?” Papa asked.

Napa-buntong-hininga ako. Si Marcus. It’s been a few days since I last saw him, and I still didn’t know how to talk to him. I really didn’t like seeing him so… defeated. Mas sanay ako na nakikita siya na naka-ngiti. Iyong masaya. Iyong laging may baon na joke.

I guess those people with the biggest smiles also has the biggest problems.

“Di pa, Pa,” I answered. I knew I shouldn’t intrude in his life because it’s his decision to make. Gusto kong tumulong, pero ano’ng magagawa ko kung ayaw niya talaga? I could only do so much. I couldn’t force him to do things he didn’t want to do… Kahit pa alam ko na iyon talaga iyong gusto niyang gawin.

Papa just nodded, not saying anything that might give me an idea of what they talked about the last time. Nang lumabas si Marcus sa study area ni Papa, ramdam ko na agad na hindi maganda iyong napag-usapan nila.

“Pa,” tawag ko sa kanya. “Ano’ng sinabi ni Marcus sa ’yo?” tanong ko. I knew that Marcus going to med school was a farfetched idea now. It was his decision, and I knew I shouldn’t meddle, but I, at least, wanted to know what went wrong.

“Siya na lang tanungin mo,” sabi ni Papa. “Ayoko talagang nagsasabi ng problema ng iba. Privacy niya ’yun.”

I sighed. I knew I wouldn’t get anything from him. Being a doctor, Dad has always practiced maintaining his patient’s privacy. Hanggang hindi dapat sabihin, hindi niya sasabihin. He vowed to secrecy.

Nagpaalam na ako kay Papa na pupunta na ako sa kwarto ko kasi alam ko na malaki iyong chance na magtanong na naman ako sa kanya tungkol kay Marcus, at ayoko na muna isipin ’yun. I wanted to focus my energy on Psalm.

And why the heck he’s been acting all weird.

I checked my phone, and saw that he hasn’t texted back yet. Ayokong magkulong sa bahay, so magmemessage sana ako sa groupchat namin para malaman kung sino ang pwedeng kasama gumala ngayon.

“Ito na ’yung damit ng kaibigan mo,” sabi ni Manang after ko buksan iyong pinto.

Agad na kumunot iyong noo ko. “Damit nino po?” nagtatakang tanong ko.

“Iyong nandito nung isang araw? ’Yung matangkad at morenong lalaki?” sabi ni Manang, tapos biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Si Marcus! Siya lang naman moreno na pumupunta dito kasi puro mga kulang sa Vitamin D iyong ibang lalaki kong kaibigan.

Nang isarado ni Manang iyong pintuan, nanatili akong nakatayo habang hawak-hawak iyong mga damit ni Marcus.

“Shit, bahala na nga!” sabi ko bago naghanap ng paper bag, at nilagay doon iyong mga damit niya. Kinuha ko muna iyong mga reviewer na pinahiram niya sa akin dati kasi meron ’dung address ni Marcus. I immediately put the address in Waze.

Pagdating ko sa bahay nila, nanatili muna ako sa loob ng sasakyan. Their house was decent. It was a one-story house with a small garden in front. May isang babae na nagwawalis sa labas. Kapatid siguro ni Marcus kasi kamukha niya. Parang babaeng version niya.

Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim bago ako nakapagdesisyon na lumabas ng sasakyan.

“Hi,” bati ko sa kapatid ni Marcus. Tumingin siya sa akin. “Uhm… Nandyan ba si Marcus?”

Agad niya akong inirapan. “Walang balak magka-girlfriend iyong kuya ko! Bakit ba napaka-kulit niyong mga babae kayo?!” sabi niya tapos muntik na akong hampasin ng walis tingting!

Bigla akong napaatras! Grabe naman! Bakit bigla na lang nanghahampas ng walis ’to?!

“Wait lang!” sabi ko habang pinang-takip sa mukha ko iyong paper bag. “Ibabalik ko lang ’yung damit at reviewer ng Kuya mo!”

“Bakit nasa ’yo ’yung damit ni Kuya?!” mas lalong lumakas iyong sigaw niya, at tuluyan na akong hinampas ng walis. “Sinabi ko na talaga kay Kuya na umalis na sa swimming team na ’yan, at maraming uhaw na babae!” sabi niya sabay hampas pa rin sa ’kin! Naka-ramdam na ako ng hapdi sa braso dahil sa paghampas niya sa akin! Napipikon na ko dito sa kapatid ni Marcus!

“Marian!” biglang sigaw ng babae mula sa bahay. Agad na napa-tigil iyong bwisit na batang Marian pala ang pangalan sa paghampas sa akin! Ugh! Pinangwalis niya sa kalsada tapos hinampas sa ’kin!

“Ma!” sigaw ni Marian. “May stalker na naman na pumunta dito!” sabi niya sabay turo sa ’kin! Nanlaki iyong mata ko! Napaka-judgmental ng bata na ’to!

“Hindi ako stalker!” sigaw ko. “Kaibigan ko ’yung kuya mo!”

“Kaibigan!” she said in a mocking tone. “Narinig ko na ’yan!” sabi niya tapos akmang hahampasin na naman ako! Kung hindi lang umawat iyong nanay ni Marcus, hahampasin ko na rin siya ng paper bag! Kanina pa ako naaagrabyado dito!

“Pumasok ka na nga sa loob, Marian!” pagalit na sabi ng nanay ni Marcus, tapos hinarap ako. “Kaibigan ka ba talaga ni Marcus?”

Tumango ako, tapos hinagod iyong braso ko na may mga gasgas na dahil sa paghampas ng walis tingting. “Opo,” magalang kong sagot kahit pikon na pikon na ako sa pasaway niyang anak. “Pumunta lang po ako dito para ibalik ’yung gamit ni Marcus,” sabi ko sabay abot nung paper bag sa kanya. Saglit niyang tinignan iyong laman nun, bago binalik iyong tingin sa akin.

“Pasensya na,” sabi niya. Mukhang napatunayan ko na na hindi ako ‘stalker’ ni Marcus. God! Ganoon ba karami iyong pumupunta sa bahay nila para ang unang maging reaksyon nung kapatid ni Marcus e ang hampasin ako?!

“Okay lang po,” sagot ko.

“Pumasok ka muna sa loob,” sabi niya.

Mabilis akong umiling. I knew Marcus wouldn’t want me to come inside his house. I knew I already intruded enough when I asked my father to help him get a scholarship. I knew my limits—and I already reached it.

“Uhh… nandyan na po ’yung damit pati ’yung mga pinahiram sa ’kin na reviewer sa NMAT ni Marcus,” sabi ko. Naka-tingin ako sa paper bag, pero nang lumipat iyong tingin ko sa mukha nang Mama ni Marcus, kita ko iyong pagbabago ng itsura niya.

She knew.

Alam niya iyong tungkol sa pangarap ni Marcus.

’Oh, for the love of God, Joey! ‘Wag mo na kasing pakielaman si Marcus!’ bulong ko sa sarili ko dahil nararamdaman ko na na magsasalita ako tungkol sa med school.

“Alam ko po hindi ko dapat sabihin ’to,” I began. “Pero nag-offer iyong Dad ko ng scholarship kay Marcus, kaso hindi niya po tinanggap. Alam ko po kasi iniisip kayo ni Marcus kaya mas gusto niyang magtrabaho… pero alam ko rin po na gustung-gusto niya rin maging doctor.”

Hindi ko na alam iyong susunod na sasabihin ko pagkatapos. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit pilit kong pinapakailaman iyong buhay ni Marcus. He didn’t want my help—he told me that over and over again. But I just couldn’t stand there and do nothing when I know I could do something.

“I know Marcus feels responsible to help you and his sister, but he also has responsibility to make himself happy,” I said, my heart racing wildly inside my chest. Nanginginig iyong mga labi ko habang diretsong naka-tingin sa mga mata niya.

“Sorry po dahil alam ko nanghihimasok na ako masyado, pero gusto ko lang po talagang sabihin ’yun, Tita,” sabi ko. “Aalis na po ako.”

Mabilis akong bumalik papunta sa sasakyan ko. Mabilis iyong tibok ng puso ko—parang sasabog sa sobrang bilis.

Nanginginig iyong mga kamay ko habang binubuksan iyong sasakyan. Pero bago pa man ako makaalis, nakita ko na paparating si Marcus. Nang huminto iyong bike niya, nakita ko kung paano biglang sumeryoso ang mukha niya nang magsalita iyong Mama niya.

“Shit,” I told myself as I began to drive away.

Chapter 48

#ABNQ48 Chapter 48

The days passed by quickly. Psalm and I spent time as much as we could—which wasn’t much because he’s always too busy with work. Kadalasan, puro madaling-araw kami nagkikita kasi iyon ang tapos ng mga ginagawa niya. Ang dami niyang functions na pinupuntahan gabi-gabi. I didn’t want to complain because he was so patient with me nung ako naman iyong busy.

But I wished we could’ve spent more time.

“Are you sure?” I asked Psalm.

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” he said, sounding really apologetic. I planned this weekend getaway for all of us—since I was pretty sure hindi ako papayagan ng parents ko kung kaming dalawa lang ni Psalm ang aalis. I did all the research. Walang signal sa pupuntahan namin sa Bolinao, so I was pretty sure that I could hog Psalm all to myself. Sobrang busy na kasi talaga niya. Akala ko masosolo ko siya habang hindi pa nagsisimula iyong pasukan, but clearly, I thought wrong. Mas nasosolo siya ng trabaho niya.

“Kahit one day lang?”

“It’s a nine-hour drive, Joey,” he said. I knew I shouldn’t be competing with his job, but I really missed him! Swerte na iyong makapagdinner kami twice a week! Swerte na kapag nasasagot niya iyong text ko ng wala pang isang oras!

I sighed. “Sige.”

“Joey,” tawag niya sa pangalan ko. Hindi ako sumagot agad. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sasabihin ko sa kanya. “Joey, you know I’d rather be with you than work, right?”

I nodded, although he couldn’t see me… kasi nasa trabaho na naman siya. We were supposed to have dinner tonight, but he cancelled on the last minute kasi biglaang kailangan siya. Hindi ko nasabi na kanina pa ako nasa resto. Na kumain na lang akong mag-isa kahit na kitang-kita ko kung paano naawa iyong server sa akin kasi siguro mukha na akong iiyak kanina.

“Okay lang,” sabi ko matapos humugot nang malalim na hininga.

“Joey, please don’t be like this.”

I bit my lower lip. “Okay lang talaga,” I said in an attempt to make my voice a little jollier. I didn’t want him to worry about me because I knew that I’d power through this. Maybe I was just missing him too bad… but I knew I’d be okay once I see him again.

“I’ll just call in sick.”

“No,” I quickly said. “Just… work, okay? I’ll be fine.”

Hindi agad nagsalita si Psalm. Alam ko na kung pwede lang, gusto niya ring samahan na lang ako… Pero hindi pwede. Kasi may trabaho siya. Siguro ganoon talaga. Na habang tumatanda, mas ma-re-realize mo na hindi pwede na love lang. Maraming bagay iyong dapat i-consider. Maraming aspeto ng buhay iyong dapat alagaan—hindi pwede na pagmamahal lang lagi.

“Next week, I promise,” sabi niya.

I smiled. Sa isang araw na lalabas iyong resulta ng NMAT. Pagkatapos nun, mag-a-apply na ako sa school. Sigurado ako na magiging busy na ulit ako. Baka nalimutan na ni Psalm iyon dahil sa sobrang busy niya.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied. “Ingat ka,” sabi ko bago ibaba iyong tawag.

I stared at the clothes in front of me. I was already packing before Psalm called. Sobrang excited na ako kasi akala ko talaga at least dalawang araw ko siyang masosolo.

But life happened.

---

“Nahihilo na ako sa ’yo,” sabi ni Jax. Ngayon naka-schedule iyong release ng grades para sa NMAT. Ngayon ko malalaman kung pasok ba ako sa cut-off ng gusto kong school.

Nitong mga nakaraang linggo, sobrang random ng mga bagay na ginawa ko. Lahat siguro ng lugar na pwedeng magvolunteer, sumali ako. I just needed to do something to get my mind off of things. Laging wala si Psalm dahil busy sa kung anumang ginagawa niya sa trabaho niya. Si Kitty busy sa LAE. Si Anj, balak yata mag-aral abroad kaya busy sa application. Sila Matt naman, busy tumulong sa family business nila.

This vacation sucked so hard.

“Kinakabahan ako!” masungit kong sabi sa kanya. I felt like biting off my nails and to just run around the house screaming dahil sa sobrang kaba ko! Ni hindi ko nga magawang buksan iyong site dahil nanginginig iyong mga daliri ko!

“Lumabas na raw,” sabi ni Jax.

I stopped pacing. Huminga ako nang malalim. Pakiramdam ko maiiyak na ako o maiihi sa sobrang kaba.

With my heart beating wildly inside my chest, I watched as Jax carefully typed the details. Gusto ko siyang sakalin dahil pakiramdam ko ay binabagalan niya lalo iyong pagta-type!

“Leche naman, Jax!” sabi ko tapos tinulak ko siya paalis sa upuan. I was ready to type down the details, when my eyes widened.

Fuck.

I passed.

I passed!

“Congrats, future doctor,” naka-ngisi na sabi ni Jax habang ginugulo iyong buhok ko. Hindi pa rin ako maka-galaw. Ilang beses akong pilit kumurap kasi baka biglang magbago iyong score sa harap ko.

Biglang tumawa si Jax nang pindutin ko iyong para sa screenshot. I just needed proof! Baka biglang magbago iyong grade ko!

“Shit…” bulong ko. “Oh, my god. Totoo na talaga ’to.” Tumingin ako kay Jax. Ngumiti ako. “Pasok ako sa cut-off!” sigaw ko.

“Congrats, Joey,” he said, smiling. “Told you you were worried about nothing,” he continued. I jumped and hugged him. Kahit na nanginginig ang mga daliri ko, nagawa kong tawagan sina Mama at Papa para sabihin sa kanila na pasok ako sa cut-off para sa school na gusto kong pasukan. I also tried to call Psalm to tell him about the good news, but he wasn’t answering the call.

To: Eldest Broccoli

Hey. Call me if you read this, okay?

Nagsabi na sila Mama na magdidinner kami sa labas ngayon. I wanted Psalm to come with us. Alam ko na alam naman na nila Mama iyong tungkol sa ’min, but I never formally introduced Psalm as my boyfriend. Kilala na nila si Psalm, but they only knew him as my friend.

For the whole day, I was so elated. I told my friends about the news, so we set up a day para magkita kami. Sobrang busy talaga nila kaya ang hirap na magkita kami. They all had their own stuff to do, their own feats to achieve. Kaya kahit gaano pa namin gustong magkita kagaya nung nasa school pa kami, ang hirap magtugma ng schedule namin.

Ganito siguro talaga.

A part of growing up is growing apart.

Nang kinagabihan, dumating si Mama sa bahay. Naka-bihis na kami ni Jax, at hinihintay na lang namin sila ni Papa.

“Joey,” tawag ni Mama sa akin. “Invite Marcus.”

Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “P-po?”

“He helped you with the review, right?” she asked, and I hesitantly nodded. “Invite him to have dinner with us para mapasalamatan,” sabi ni Mama bago pumunta sa kwarto niya.

Pakiramdam ko biglang nanlamig iyong mga kamay ko dahil sa sinabi ni Mama. I did all my best to avoid Marcus—I even avoided thinking about him! Alam ko kasi na galit siya sa akin dahil sa ginawa ko at sinabi sa nanay niya! But I’d do it again. Those words needed to be said. Na hindi responsibilidad ng anak na buhayin iyong mga magulang niya. That having kids is not tantamount to having a retirement plan. Nag-aanak dahil gusto mong magka-anak, hindi dahil gusto mo na may bubuhay sa ’yo kapag ayaw mo ng magtrabaho.

“Oh, holy—” Muntik na lumabas sa dibdib ko iyong puso ko nang makita ko iyong pangalan ni Psalm sa phone ko. Nagtataka na naka-tingin sa akin si Jax kaya naman lumabas muna ako bago ko sagutin iyong tawag niya.

“Hey,” I said. “Uh… I passed.”

“I knew you’d pass!” masaya niyang sabi. “But you sound weird, Joey,” Psalm continued. I forced myself to even my breathing. I still felt a little bit weird because how in hell was I supposed to invite Marcus to dinner?! I even deactivated Tinder dahil ayoko talaga makausap o maisip siya!

“Ayos lang ako,” sabi ko habang pilit pinapasaya iyong boses ko.

“Where are you? Do you have plans? We should celebrate,” dire-diretsong sabi niya.

“Ah-ano,” sabi ko. I was supposed to invite him to have dinner with us, pero paano kapag napilit ako ni Mama na iinvite din si Marcus? It would be a freaking tensed dinner! “Magdidinner kami nila Mama…” sagot ko. Hindi agad sumagot si Psalm.

Shit.

I was feeling guilty again. Bakit si Marcus iinvite ko, pero si Psalm na sarili kong boyfriend, hindi ko magawang sabihan? What seriously was wrong with me?

“Gusto mong sumama?” I asked.

“Of course!” he answered. “Are you sure?”

I bit my lip. “Syempre naman,” sagot ko sa kanya. Kung ako nga iyong masusunod, magkasama kami sa dinner palagi… “Pero ano…” I trailed. “Mom’s asking me to invite Marcus din… Kasi ’di ba tinuruan niya ako?”

Then there was silence.

I really didn’t like talking about Marcus with Psalm. Kasi kahit ilang beses sabihin ni Psalm na okay siya, na okay na siya, ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin na hindi siya okay. Kahit ilang ngiti iyong ibigay niya o ilang okay iyong marinig ko mula sa bibig niya, ramdam ko na hindi talaga.

“Yeah, sure,” he said.

’Yan na naman kami sa ‘yeah, sure’ niya.

“Just text me the details, okay? I’ll just wrap up this meeting,” he said.

“Okay…” tahimik na sabi ko. Ang bilis magbago ng mood ni Psalm nang marinig niya iyong pangalan ni Marcus. Kahit gaano kagaling ang tingin niya sa sarili niya na magtago, nararamdaman ko iyong pagbabago sa tono niya, sa paraan ng pagsasalita niya.

Nang bumalik ako sa loob, tinanong na naman ako ni Mama kung natawagan ko na ba si Marcus. I didn’t know what reason to give and I didn’t want to lie to my mom because she’d know that I was lying, and I really didn’t want her on my tail.

To: Marcus

I passed. Tinatanong ni Mama kung gusto mong sumama sa dinner bilang thank you.

Kulang na lang ibato ko iyong cellphone ko o kaya naman e ibaon sa pinakailalim ng sofa dahil ayokong makita in case na magreply siya. Ilang linggo ko ngang nagawa na ’wag siyang isipin, e!

Tatayo na sana ako para kumuha ng tubig dahil iyong puso ko parang sasabog na sa loob ng dibdib ko nang bigla kong naramdaman na nagvibrate iyong phone ko.

From: Eldest Broccoli

Congrats again, Joey. I miss you. I’ll see you later.

And then my phone vibrated again.

From: Marcus

Congrats. And see you.

Shit. Ayoko na yatang sumama sa dinner na ’to.

Chapter 49

#ABNQ49 Chapter 49

I didn’t know what to expect pagdating sa resto. I was seriously just bracing myself for the worst because… because Psalm and Marcus in one place was never a good idea. Matagal ko nang tanggap na kahit ano’ng gawin ko, hindi talaga sila magiging magka-sundo. Yes, hindi sila nag-aaway, pero alam ko na ayaw din nilang magkasamang dalawa.

“Oh, nandito na pala silang dalawa,” sabi ni Papa. Agad na nag-angat ako nang tingin, at nakita ko si Marcus at Psalm. Naka-upo silang dalawa sa magkabilang side ng lamesa. Walang nagsasalita; parehas naka-tingin sa isa’t isa.

Naglakad na papunta sila Mama sa lamesa, habang naka-tuon pa rin ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Naka-dikit ang mga mata sa nangyayari sa harap ko.

“Let’s go,” Jax said before gently pushing me forward. Tahimik akong naglakad, diretsong naka-tingin sa kanilang dalawa ang mga mata ko. Nakita ko na sabay silang dalawang tumayo, at saka bumati kay Mama at Papa.

Nang makarating ako, lumapit sa akin si Psalm, tapos hinalikan ako sa pisngi. Napa-tingin silang lahat sa aming dalawa. Alam naman nilang lahat na kami ni Psalm, but we were never really this showy in front of them.

“Let’s order first,” Mama said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Nasa isang lamesa kami. Katabi ko si Psalm habang kaharap ko si Marcus. Tahimik kong binabasa iyong menu, nang bumulong sa tenga ko si Psalm.

“Congrats,” he whispered.

I looked at him, and smiled. “Thank you,” I said. “Hindi ka ba hinahanap sa trabaho mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. Alam ko kasi kung gaano siyang ka-busy. Ayoko lang talaga na naaabala siya sa trabaho. I didn’t like him choosing between his work and me.

“They’re probably looking for me,” sabi niya kaya sumimangot ako. “But you’re more important than work,” sabi niya tapos nginitian ako.

“Ewan ko sa ’yo,” sabi ko, tapos tinawanan niya lang ako.

“So, Psalm,” my mother said. Psalm straightened his back, and looked at my mom. Muntik na akong matawa sa itsura niya kasi kinakabahan siya. I mean, Psalm has probably met all the powerful people here in the Philippines, pero heto siya at kinakabahan sa harap ng nanay ko.

“Are you already working or will you pursue post-studies?”

“I’m currently working at the embassy with my Dad po,” sagot ni Psalm.

“And how’s that working for you?” Mom asked.

“It’s very interesting, Tita, because I get to meet different people. We’re currently designing programs for the OFWs in Spain,” sagot ni Psalm. He continued to talk about the different programs he’s participating in, and how he’s in-charged with showing dignitaries here in the Philippines. Hindi ko mapigilan na mapa-ngiti habang nakikinig sa kanya kasi ibang-iba siya pakinggan kaysa sa Psalm nung college.

He sounded… so mature.

“How about basketball? Narinig ko dati sa inyo nila Matt na gusto niyong maglaro yata? Ano’ng nangyari?” tanong ni Mama habang inaabot iyong baso ng tubig.

“It was just a thought, Tita. Basketball’s something I enjoy, but I don’t plan on making it my profession,” sabi ni Psalm na dahilan para kumunot ang noo ko. He was obviously lying dahil hindi iyon ang sagot niya sa akin nung tinanong ko siya dati. Sabi niya, gusto niyang maglaro. He said he wasn’t designed for office work because he found it really monotonous and boring.

Mama nodded. “How about you, Marcus? Nakapag-isip ka na ba kung saang school ka papasok?”

Biglang kumunot ang noo ko sa narinig ko.

“Hindi ko pa po alam,” sagot ni Marcus.

“Heard you got the highest percentage? Kahit saang school, pwede kang pumasok,” Mama said.

Papa smiled. “Matalinong bata talaga. Buti tinuruan mo si Joey,” sabi ni Papa tapos tumawa. Nanatiling naka-kunot iyong noo ko.

“Ano’ng grade?” tanong ko.

“NMAT,” Papa replied.

“What? Hindi naman siya naka-kuha,” naguguluhang tanong ko dahil hindi ko naiintindihan iyong mga nangyayari. Ang alam ko, hindi nakapag-NMAT si Marcus. Heck, he didn’t even apply for a permit!

“Since he’s the only Magna Cum Laude in St. Claire’s, napakiusapan kung pwede bang late kumuha ng NMAT,” paliwanag ni Papa. “Ibang exam sa kinuha mo kasi baka nagkaroon daw ng leakage. Alam mo naman sa Pilipinas.”

Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Akala ko ayaw niya? Nagalit pa nga siya sa ’kin dahil sa pangingielam na ginawa ko! What the heck was happening?!

Biglang tumayo si Psalm. “I’m sorry, I’ll have to take this,” he said, raising his phone. Nagsimula siyang maglakad palabas. Mabilis akong tumayo, at sinabi na pupunta ako sa CR.

“Psalm,” tawag ko sa kanya. Huminto si Psalm, at saka humarap sa akin. “Your phone didn’t even vibrate.”

Hindi agad siya naka-sagot. Nanatili kaming naka-tingin sa isa’t-isa. Walang nagsasalita.

“Joey, I’m tired,” he said.

“Then you should rest—”

“I’m fine,” he repeated.

Nanatili akong naka-tingin sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano pa siya kakausapin. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula dahil pakiramdam ko, ang dami niyang tinatago sa akin…

Na kahit subukan ko, hindi ko siya maaabot.

Na kahit gustuhin kong makinig, hindi ko siya maririnig.

“Of course you’re fine,” I said, scoffing. “You’re fine. I’m fine. We’re both fine,” sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa mga mata niya. “Ganito ba talaga ’yung gusto mo? Kasi sinasabi ko sa ’yo, kaya kong ituloy ’tong ginagawa mo.”

Hindi siya nagsalita.

“Kaya ko ring paulit-ulit na sabihin sa ’yo na okay lang ako. Na wala akong problema. Pabayaan na lang natin na ganito hanggang sa pareho na tayong magsawa. Ganon ba ’yung gusto mo?” seryosong tanong ko sa kanya. “I can play your game, Psalm,” I said, staring directly at his eyes.

Hindi siya nagsalita.

Nakita ko iyong kaba sa mga mata niya.

“I’m gonna ask you again…” I said. “Are you fine?”

Malakas ang pagtibok ng puso ko sa bawat segundong lumilipas. Tahimik kong hinihintay ang mga salitang lalabas sa bibig niya. Kasi ayoko ng ganito. Ayoko na ganito siya.

Ayoko na ganito kami.

“No, I’m tired of competing with someone who wasn’t even competing with me, because frankly, he wasn’t doing anything!” he said through gritted teeth.

“What?” tanong ko habang unti-unting lumalalim iyong paghinga ko.

“Joey, I am your boyfriend! I shouldn’t even be competing with him in the first place, but you always make me feel like I should worry about him!” sigaw niya sa akin.

Mabilis na iyong paghinga ko.

Hindi ko ma-kontrol iyong panginginig ng mga daliri ko.

“Because there’s nothing to worry about!” I shouted back. “Psalm, my God! Ito na naman ba?! Nakaka-sawa na talaga!”

Psalm was looking at me with such intensity in his eyes that for a second, it scared me. But I didn’t back down. Because I knew we should talk about this. We should fucking address why the fuck he’s so insecure!

“Really, Joey?” he asked like he couldn’t believe what he just heard. “Joey, you’re not his fucking mother! You don’t have the responsibility to help him—”

“My God, Psalm! Gusto ko lang tulungan ’yung tao! Bakit mo ba minamasama?!”

“Because that’s not what I see!” he shouted, his eyes red from the intensity of what was happening. Pakiramdam ko ay nanginginig na iyong buong sistema ko, pero hindi ko kayang tumigil. Gusto kong marinig lahat ng problema niya, kung bakit siya ganito.

Tumigil ako.

Tinitigan siya.

“Ano bang nakikita mo?”

Walang nagsalita.

Sabay kaming naghintay.

“Do you like him?”

Mabilis na umawang ang labi ko.

“What?” I asked, unable to believe that I was hearing this from him.

“It’s one question, Joey.”

“Yes, one ridiculous question—”

“Just answer,” he cut me off. He was staring into my eyes, not backing down. “It’s just a yes or no, Joey. It’s not so hard.”

Agad akong napaatras. Inihilamos ko iyong mga kamay ko sa mukha ko. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga naririnig ko sa kanya. Hindi ako makapaniwala na ang tagal na, pero nandito pa rin kami.

“Psalm…” mahina kong sabi. Nagsimulang pumatak ang mga luha sa mata ko. “Psalm, hindi ko alam kung bakit ka ganyan. Bakit ba ang insecure mo? Wala akong ginagawang masama. Gusto ko lang tulungan si Marcus kasi alam ko na may magagawa ako. Ganyan ka ba talaga ka-immature na mas importante sa ’yo ’yang insecurity mo kaysa sa future ng ibang tao? Tinatanong kita palagi. Palagi mong sinasabing oo. Palagi mong sinasabing okay ka lang… Kung hindi ka okay, bakit hindi mo sinasabi? Manghuhula ba ko sa tingin mo?”

Psalm’s jaw tightened. “This is not about me—”

“This is about you!” I shouted, and pointed my shaking finger at him. “This is about you and your fucking insecurity! Why can’t you just move on from him?! Magkaibigan lang kami—”

“Joey, I wouldn’t be like this if I can see that you only see him as a friend! I’m this fucking insecure because you make me feel so insecure!”

My lips parted.

A tear escaped my eye.

It felt like a knife had been lunged inside my heart.

I felt so betrayed.

“A-ah. Ganon ba,” sabi ko bago mabilis na pinunasan iyong luha ko. Na walang kwenta dahil patuloy lang sa pagtulo. Walang tigil. Habang naka-tingin sa kanya. Habang paulit-ulit na naririnig iyong mga huling salitang lumabas sa bibig niya.

Isang hakbang palayo sa kanya.

“Ano’ng gusto mong gawin ko?” tanong ko habang patuloy pa rin sa pagtulo ang luha ko. Na gusto kong patigilin, pero hindi ko magawa. Kasi ang sakit. Ang sakit na ’yung taong dahilan kung bakit kinakaya mo pa rin, ’yung dahilan kung bakit gusto mong lumaban, ay ’yung tao na nagsabi sa ’yo na ikaw ’yung dahilan kung bakit siya nahihirapan.

Ang hirap.

Ang sakit.

“I don’t know.”

“Ayoko ng ganto.”

“I hate this.”

We were both staring at each other.

We both knew what would happen.

We just didn’t want to say the words.

“Let’s take a break,” I said, taking another step further from him. “And for the record, I only see Marcus as a friend. I just wanted to help him because I know I can make a difference.”

I smiled.

I tried to smile.

I tried so hard, but tears just poured out.

I smiled, tears cascading down my face. “I would’ve given you everything, Psalm, but you couldn’t even give me your trust.”

Chapter 50

#ABNQ50 Chapter 50

It still hasn’t sunk in yet.

I felt… empty.

I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do.

It felt like one day, I knew where my life was headed. The person I was sure who’d be with me ’til the end… Hanggang wala na.

Suddenly, my life took a turn.

“Joey…” Agad akong napalingon nang makita ko si Kitty. “Tinawagan ako ni Jax. ’Di ka pa raw kasi kumakain.”

Hindi ako maka-galaw. Naka-higa lang ako sa kama habang naka-tingin sa dingding. Bigla akong nawalan ng gana na gumalaw. Kasi hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan kung bakit kailangang umabot sa ganito.

“Huy…” she said while poking me. “I’m actually really happy na tinawagan ako ni Jax, pero ’wag naman ganto.”

Sana kasi hindi na lang siya ganon. Sana kahit konti, may tiwala siya sa ’kin. Kasi hindi naman ’yung tao na iniisip niya. I wouldn’t betray him. I would’ve been loyal. Because I know how it feels to be betrayed.

“You still have to enroll, Jocelyn!” she said, pulling me up with her. “Come on! ’Wag ka namang ganito!”

“Wala akong gana,” tahimik kong sabi.

“Doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t pause; world doesn’t stop. Tuloy pa rin ang buhay,” she said. Biglang sumeryoso ang mukha niya. “I don’t know why you two broke up—”

“We didn’t break up,” I corrected her.

“Ano’ng tawag sa ginawa niyo?”

Hindi ako makasagot. Hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang doon kami napunta kami… kasi akala ko okay kami. Alam ko na may problema siya, pero alam ko na kaya naming malusutan ’yun. Pero paano mangyayari ’yun kung ayaw niya namang magpatulong? Ayaw niyang umalis ’dun. Na kahit ano’ng paliwanag ko, doon at doon pa rin kami bumabagsak.

I couldn’t fix him.

Siya lang ang makakatulong sa sarili niya.

“We took a break. Cool off. Hindi ko alam,” naguguluhan na sagot ko. Nanunuyo iyong lalamunan ko. Kagabi pa ako umiiyak. Umiiyak kasi natatakot ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong mangyayari ngayon. “Nakausap mo na ba siya?”

“Si Psalm?” she asked. I nodded. I couldn’t even say his name because I was afraid that my voice would break. It still felt raw. It still sting. “Hindi. Hindi ko alam kung nasan. Hindi rin alam nila Steele.”

Bigla akong napahawak sa dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko nagsisikip na naman siya.

“Hindi kaya nabibigla lang kayo sa desisyon niyo? I mean, I really thought na ano… kayo na talaga hanggang ending?” Kitty said with a sympathetic smile.

“We need this,” I said. “We couldn’t just go round and round. Parehong problema.”

“And you think taking a break is the solution?”

I shook my head because truth be told, I didn’t know what I was doing. Ang alam ko lang, hindi ko na kaya na pag-awayan pa namin si Marcus. Hindi ko na kaya na marinig na nagseselos siya kay Marcus. Napapagod ako. Nagsasawa ako. Nasasakal ako.

“I tried telling him. Over and over again. Na magkaibigan lang kami ni Marcus. Hindi niya ako maintindihan.”

Kitty sighed. “I don’t know with you, guys. Malaki na kayo. Alam niyo na ginagawa niyo…” she said, then gently patted the top of my head. “Pero you still need to enroll…”

---

I was supposed to be really happy today. Kasi mag-aaral na ako. I was about to take the first step towards reaching my dreams… pero bakit ganon? Mas lamang iyong hirap at lungkot sa dibdib ko.

I was supposed to be with him today. He was supposed to accompany me while I enroll…

So many plans.

So many promises.

All of them broken.

“Kaya ko na,” sabi ko kay Kitty. Nagpupumilit siya na samahan ako para kuhanin iyong mga credentials ko sa SCA. Alam ko na marami din siyang kailangang gawin para sa law school, pero ayaw niyang pumayag na iwanan akong mag-isa.

Umiling siya. “I want to be here,” she said. “I’ll accompany you all day, okay? Hanggang sa matatakan ng enrolled ’yang form mo.”

Hindi ko mapigilang mapa-ngiti. I knew I was lucky to have friends like her—who got my back no matter what. Who’ll always lend a helping hand; who’s always ready listen even when no one’s willing to talk.

Agad kaming pumunta ni Kitty sa SCA. Habang naglalakad kami doon, hindi ko mapigilang sumikip ang dibdib dahil parang nakikita ko kaming dalawa ni Psalm. I could see us while we were walking side by side. How sometimes, I’d watch him jog around the oval. How he’d always accompany me to the cafeteria when I was hungry. How he’d walk me to the car park when it’s already dark.

He’s just everywhere.

I could see him everywhere.

“Huy…” Kitty said, elbowing me. “Umiiyak ka na naman.”

Agad akong napa-hawak sa pisngi ko. Hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na pala ako.

“It’s gonna be fine, Joey. Not now, pero someday. Alam mo? Naniniwala talaga ako na kapag para sa ’yo, para sa ’yo talaga. Baka ’di lang talaga ngayon, alam mo ’yun? Maybe this is destiny’s way of saying na kailangan niyo muna mag grow up para kapag right time na, mas okay na kayong dalawa.”

Alam ko naman ’yun. But why couldn’t we grow together? Why couldn’t we be together while we’re trying to figure our shits out? Bakit kailangan na magkahiwalay kami?

I hate wasted time.

Time we could’ve spent together.

“So while you’re trying to figure your shit out, go get that medical degree. Be a doctor. Chase your dreams. Because if it’s really meant to happen? Trust me, it will happen.”

Nagpunta kami ni Kitty sa registrar para ayusin iyong forms ko. Habang nag-aayos kami, sobrang bigat pa rin ng dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko, kahit saan ako tumingin, nakikita ko si Psalm. Kahit ano’ng isipin ko, sa kanya pa rin ako bumabagsak.

“What time tayo bukas?” Kitty asked. The process took the whole day kaya naman bukas pa namin makukuha iyong forms ko.

I shook my head. “Ako na lang. Kaya ko na mag-isa bukas,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“You sure?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks for today,” I said. I was really thankful for having her in my life. She’s always there come hell or high water. Alam ko minsan hindi kami nagkaka-sundo sa mga opinyon namin, but we always pull through. At the end of the day, we know that our friendship is more important than the things we couldn’t agree on.

Nang maihatid ako ni Kitty sa bahay, agad kong naabutan si Jax. He was looking at me like he’s really worried. And I knew he was. He wouldn’t show it, but I knew he really cared for me.

“I’ll miss you,” I said.

Agad na mas sumeryoso ang mukha niya. “Stop fucking saying things like that,” he said. I almost flinched because I never hear him cuss.

I smiled. “No, I mean…” I said, sighing. “I… I decided I won’t study in SCA.”

“What?”

“I need a clean slate. I don’t think I can study there kasi kahit saan ako lumingon, nakikita ko si Psalm,” sabi ko habang malungkot na ngumiti. “I’ll probably fail my classes because I’ll be too depressed kakaisip sa kanya.”

“Are you being serious right now?”

I nodded. “I thought about this… for like 3 hours?” sabi ko. “I know you’ll probably think it’s stupid—”

“Of course it’s stupid!” he cut me off. “You’re just gonna give up on your dream school? Iyon na ’yun?”

Umiling ako. “No. Hindi ganon. I thought about this, Jax. I don’t want to study there. Akala ko lang gusto ko kasi doon ka rin nag-aaral. Kasi doon graduate si Papa. I just… I just want to take my own path. Go somewhere else. Discover who I am, what I really want. I’d been too dependent on this family for so long. Kayo nila Papa, lagi niyo akong inaalagaan, and I will always be thankful… But I think it’s time for me to try to be independent.”

His jaw tightened. “I still think that this is, by far, your most stupid decision.”

I smiled. “I can’t fly if I’ll stay in my cage.”

Hindi pa rin nagsalita si Jax. Alam ko na kahit hindi niya sabihin, ayaw niya na umalis ako. Sanay siya na magkasama kaming dalawa palagi. Kasi kaming dalawa lang naman talaga palagi. We wouldn’t acknowledge it, but we’re best friends. Kasi nung panahon na wala pang trabaho sila Mama, kaming dalawa lang iyong magkasama. Kaming dalawa lang iyong naghahati sa isang tinapay kasi wala kaming makain.

And I’d hate parting from him, too, but it’s a change that needed to happen.

“We can still meet in the weekends, you know?” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “Cavite’s just an hour away,” I continued, trying to appease him. “Plus… I doubt if you’d notice that I’m gone. Next sem, schoolmate mo na rin si Kitty.”

Jax still looked so serious that his stare could definitely cut glass.

“I fucking hate Psalm,” he said.

I laughed. “I still love him, though.”

“Then fucking get back together and stay.”

I shook my head. “We need this,” I said, then hugged him. “Yung blessing ko para sa future girlfriend mo, para kay Kitty lang.”

---

I prepared all the things I needed for my enrollment. Nung una, ayaw akong payagan ni Mama dahil wala naman daw akong alam sa pamumuhay mag-isa. It actually surprised me because Papa supported my decision. I really thought that I’d have to fight them para makapag-aral ako sa Health Institute kaysa sa SCA College of Medicine kagaya ng original kong plano.

But plans change.

Life happens.

“Are you sure about this?” Jax asked.

“A break?” he asked.

I nodded. “We need this. Ang toxic nito, Psalm. Ang toxic na parating nagdududa, na parating parang palaging dapat may patunayan.”

Umiling siya. “I don’t want to break up.”

“But you don’t want to trust me either. Ano’ng choice meron ako, Psalm? Ano’ng gagawin ko? Kasi sinubukan ko na magpaliwanag, pero wala namang nangyari. Nilayuan ko naman dati si Marcus kasi ’yun ’yung gusto mo. Tinanong naman kita kung okay, pero ’di ka nagsabi ng totoo. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Umiling ulit siya. “No. I don’t want to break up,” ulit niya.

Lumapit ako sa kanya. Hinawakan ko iyong pisngi niya. Tinitigan kong mabuti iyong mga mata niya.

“I need you to get your shit together, Psalm. We can’t be together if you can’t trust me. Ayoko rin nito. Nasasaktan ako. Pero kailangan ’to. Hindi pwede na palaging ganito… because if this continues, I know that one day, we’d grow to hate each other… and I don’t want that for us.”

Because that’s what happens when you don’t address the problem. It grows. Slowly. But it grows… Hanggang sa hindi mo na mapansin. Hanggang sa hindi mo na alam.

Hanggang sa ayaw mo na.

“When you’re fine, when I’m fine, we’ll meet, okay? We’ll talk and we’ll be okay.”

Umiling pa rin siya. Umiiling habang nagsisimulang magtubig ang mga mata niya.

“Remember what you told me before? Sabi mo sa ’kin, ’di ka nagmamadali. That if it’s supposed to happen, it will happen. You told me to think of this as me working on myself. Para kapag kilala ko na siya, mas maayos na akong tao,” I reminded him. “Consider this as us working on ourselves…”

Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti.

“I don’t want to break up,” he repeated. “Joey, I love you so much. I can’t do this.”

I smiled, and caressed his cheek. “Someday, okay? We’ll be fine,” I said before I pulled his head down on mine.

I smiled at Jax, and nodded. “I need this.”

Chapter 51

#ABNQ51 Chapter 51

It was a new day. Another day to get over with.

Mabilis akong bumangon mula sa kama. My head was still pounding from the lack of sleep. You’d think that since for the past six years, I’d been running on three hours of sleep, sanay na ako. But they still were days when I felt like I couldn’t function properly, but there’s really nothing I could do but to power through.

Gusto ko ’to.

Ginusto ko ’to.

I had to give everything up for this, so there’s no way I’d stop now.

“Good morning,” bati ko kila Mama.

“Masakit pa rin ang ulo mo?” tanong niya.

Umiling ako. The last thing I needed was for her to worry about me. Alam ko na sobra na siyang nag-aalala dahil sa mga nangyayari kay Jax kaya hindi niya na kailangan na alalahanin pa ako.

I was fine… or, at least, I’d like to think that I am.

I sat down with them, and we tried to eat a normal breakfast. We talked about neutral topics—anything but about Jax because I didn’t want to give my parents aneurism.

“What are your plans after?” tanong ni Papa. He’s the one who was obviously trying to keep this family afloat because God knows that ever since Jax decided to make an enemy of the most affluent and corrupt family in the country, palagi na lang mainit ang ulo ni Mama.

I shrugged. “Moonlighting, perhaps…”

“Akala ko sigurado ka na sa anesthesiology?” he asked.

“Yeah… but I might try OB din,” sagot ko. I really liked working in pedia, so I decided that I might have that for my residency… But I was still deciding on things. One thing I realize is that when it’s about important things, I should take my time. Hindi dapat ako pabigla bigla; hindi dapat puro puso. Minsan kasi, ang tanga lang ng puso.

“Have you thought about saan ka magreresidency?” Papa asked. “Marcus—”

“Pa,” I cut him off. I didn’t like talking about him. Every time I’d think about him, it felt like there’s this bile rising up my throat. Alam ko na hindi ako dapat magalit sa kanya… but fuck him.

I felt so fucking betrayed.

I felt so fucking stupid.

“He’s still set on pursuing neuro,” Papa said.

I nodded. “Good for him,” sabi ko, at saka mabilis na hinigop iyong kape. Good thing Papa finally realized how badly I didn’t want to talk about him.

Pagkatapos kong kumain, mabilis akong umakyat para magpalit. I knew that today’s the gonna be the release of the board exam. I tried to be calm about it, but I was so stressed. Tatlong buwan akong nagkulong para magreview. I knew I did my best, but I still couldn’t help but worry if I studied enough. What if may mga mali akong nasagutan? What if hindi ako pumasa? What if the past years would end up as a waste?

Fuck! Ayan na naman! My mind’s wandering to places I didn’t even want to go to!

I quickly grab my jacket and keys. I didn’t want to wait in agony for the result. Baka bago pa lumabas iyon e mamatay na ako sa sobrang kaba. Pagbaba ko, hindi ko nakita sila Papa. Malamang kinakalma niya na naman si Mama na malapit na talagang magka-sakit dahil kay Jax. Mabilis akong lumabas para kunin ang sasakyan ko.

I didn’t know where I’d go. I even turned my phone off because I didn’t want anyone texting me about the result. I just began to drive and kept on driving without any real destination in my mind.

All I knew was that this moment, I just wanted to be alone.

Patuloy akong nagdrive hanggang sa makarating ako sa Batangas. I’d been here a few times when I was still doing my clerkship. I kept on driving until I found a beach resort. Mabilis akong nagcheck-in. Nagtataka iyong babae sa akin dahil wala akong dalang kahit ano. Literal na sarili ko lang, phone, susi, at wallet ang meron ako. Pagdating ko sa kwarto, iniwan ko iyong phone ko para pumunta sa dalampasigan. Naupo ako doon habang pinapanood na humampas ang mga alon.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na naka-tingin sa dagat hanggang sa unti-unti kong maramdaman ang pagpatak ng ulan. Tumayo ako, at nagsimulang maglakad pabalik sa kwarto ko.

Pagpasok ko, nagpalit ako ng bathrobe dahil hindi ako pwedeng magkasakit. I already had a lot of things I worry about, and the last thing I needed was to tend to my sick self. Binuksan ko iyong TV, pero mabilis ko ring nilipat ang channel nang mapunta ako sa balita tungkol sa paglabas ng results ng physician licensure exam. I ended up watching a movie hanggang sa makatulog ako.

The next morning, my body was immediately looking for coffee kaya naman mabilis akong naghanap ng mabibilhan. But for fuck’s sake, walang kape! Puro buko at fresh juice ang binibigay sa ’kin! Ano’ng klase bang resort ’to!

“Great,” I uttered to myself as I went back to my room to gather my things. Mamaya pang 12 noon iyong check out ko, pero kailangan ko na talaga ng kape. For the past 6 years, I’d been way too independent on coffee na feeling ko kapag hindi agad ako naka-inom, magwiwithdrawal na agad ako.

I drove back, looking for the nearest Starbucks or Coffee bean. Ilang minuto na akong nagda-drive pero wala pa rin akong nakikita. I was so fucking tempted to open my phone to look for directions, but I contained myself. By now, alam ko na lumabas na iyong result. My heart was beating wildly inside my chest, and my mind was wandering dangerously. God, feeling ko anytime mamamatay na ako sa sobrang kaba.

After a few more minutes of driving aimlessly, I finally decided to open my phone. It kept on buzzing, and I didn’t know if it was a good or bad sign. Pwede na nagtetext sila ng congratulations… pwede rin naman na nagsasabi sila na ‘You can do better next time.’

Shit! Bakit ba sobrang nakakamatay maghintay ng resulta ng board exam!

I ignored all the texts, and went to Waze. Unfortunately, nasa gitna pala talaga ako ng kawalan. Ilang kilometro pa bago iyong pinaka-malapit na coffee shop kaya naman nagdesisyon na ako na bumalik sa Manila.

Pinatay ko muli iyong cellphone ko bago ako huminto sa unang gas station na nakita ko sa expressway. I badly needed coffee! Mabilis akong nagpark para pumunta sa coffee shop. Naka-pila ako nang biglang may tumawag sa pangalan ko.

“Joey!”

Paglingon ko, agad kong nakita si Mandy. Siya iyong isa sa mga naging kaibigan ko sa medschool. I wasn’t really close with anyone in med school because of some circumstances that I was trying to block inside my head.

“Hey,” sabi ko habang alangan na ngumiti sa kanya.

“Have you seen the result?” she asked. I shook my head, but by the look on her face, alam ko na agad na pumasa siya. She was practically bounding on her feet.

“Congrats!” masayang sabi ko sa kanya. I knew she deserved it—heck, all med students deserved that MD at the end of their names. Hindi biro lahat ng hirap na pinagdaanan namin para lang makarating kami sa dulo. Ilang gabing walang tulog, ilang okasyon na hindi napuntahan, ilang relasyon na nasira para lang maabot ang pangarap.

Nakakatawa.

Lahat pala ’yun nagawa ko.

“Thank you!” she said. “Have you heard? Diane and Cha passed! And si Marcus, grabe! Top notcher!” she said. My face automatically soured at the mention of his name. Mabilis na napansin iyon ni Mandy kaya tumigil agad siya. She awkwardly smiled at me as a form of apology. “Ikaw ba?”

Umiling ako. “Di ko pa alam.”

“If I were you, buksan mo na. Waiting is torture. At least kapag alam mo na, ma-pa-process mo na agad. Mapag-iisipan mo na ’yung next na gagawin mo,” she said, offering a small smile.

“Yeah, thanks,” I said. Thankfully, it was my turn to order kaya naman ibinaling ko sa barista iyong atensyon ko. I got myself tea because I needed to calm my shit. Pagka-kuha ko pa lang ng order ko, mabilis na akong naglakad palabas ng coffee shop dahil hindi ko na kaya na makipag-usap sa kanya dahil mas lalo lang akong kakabahan.

“Okay,” I told myself as I was walking towards my car. “If I pass, then great. Makakapag-isip muna ako kung saan ako pupunta…” I said. “But if I failed,” I said as a little part of my heart ached so bad. “If I failed…” I croaked. “It’s okay. I know I did my best. Baka hindi pa ’to ’yung tamang oras.”

I learned to believe in right timings. I learned to elieve in not forcing things to happen. Kasi kapag pinilit mo, it would just end up blowing on your face. Kasi hindi pa oras; kasi hindi pa dapat. Kaya dapat matutong maghintay sa tamang panahon kasi kung para sa ’yo, dadating kung dapat siyang dumating.

So, with my hands trembling so bad, I whipped out my phone and began to look for the result. My heart was beating so wild na parang naririnig ko na iyong bawat tibok niya. I stopped walking when I began to scroll down para hanapin iyong apelido ko.

“Shit,” I said nang papalapit na ako sa Yuchengco. “You did your best. Hindi katapusan ng mundo kung bumagsak ako.”

But I knew I was talking shit. I wanted this so fucking bad! Ang daming nawala sa akin para makarating ako dito! Kailangan ko ’tong makuha! Kailangan kong maging doctor! I deserved this!

1061 Yuchengco, Jocelyn Alexandra Castillano

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

Nanginginig ang buong sistema ko habang tinitignan iyong resulta sa harapan ko. Ilang beses akong kumurap. Ilang beses akong kumuha ng screenshot dahil sa takot na baka mali lang sila ng lagay. Muntik ko nang sampalin ang sarili ko para lang masigurado na hindi ako nananaginip.

I began walking again. I needed to get inside my car because my knees were so weak. Pakiramdam ko bigla na lang akong mapapaupo sa sahig dahil sa sari-saring emosyon na nararamdaman ko. But as I continued to walk, I accidentally bumped onto someone.

“Oh, my god, I’m so—” sabi ko nang matapon ko iyong mainit na tsaang iniinom ko.

Biglang hindi ako makagalaw.

Biglang hindi ako maka-hinga.

Suddenly, all my senses were attuned to him—to the man in front of me.

It’s been 5 years since I last saw him.

“Joey,” he said, looking at me like he didn’t love me before. Like he didn’t beg me to stay with him. It’s funny what anger could do to someone.

Hindi ako agad naka-sagot… lalo na nang lumipat ang tingin ko sa pamilyar na babaeng kasama niya.

“Kia, remember Joey?” he just needed to fucking say that.

Quickly, I composed myself. If only I were dressed properly, but I was just on my t-shirt and running shorts. This wasn’t how I pictured bumping into him after all these years.

I looked him in the eye, and smiled. “Dra. Joey Yuchengco,” I corrected him.

Chapter 52

#ABNQ52 Chapter 52

Six years ago…

“I’m okay, Ma,” I said for the hundredth time. Kasama ko sila kahapon dito para maghanap ng matitirhan. We looked all day para lang ma-satisfy si Mama na safe iyong tutulugan ko. I think she even bribed the guard para lang ‘extra’ safe ako—if that’s even a thing. Pinuno niya rin iyong unit ko ng groceries, and gave me an ATM card plus increased the limit of my credit card. Takot yata siyang magutom ako.

“I’m just gonna go sa school ngayon para mag-enroll and get other things,” I said while I was walking towards the elevator. The school was just a few minutes away. Mamaya pa iyong schedule ng enrollment, but I wanted to go there early para makauwi din ako nang maaga.

Upon arriving, I went to the admission office. The process was smooth. Nakuha ko na iyong certificate ko pati iyong nameplate ko. I was beaming like crazy upon seeing my name on the nameplate. I think it was that first time that I smiled in days. It felt kinda weird.

The next few days were me trying to adjust to the fact that I was living alone. It was… different. Different in a good way. Hindi kagaya ng dati na may konting problema lang ako, nandyan na agad si Jax o mga kaibigan ko. Ngayon, I had to face things on my own… and I think it would be good for me. Alam ko naman na hindi pwede na palaging may tutulong sa akin. Because in the end, I only have myself.

“Yes po?” sagot ko sa phone nang tumawag sa akin iyong sa lobby.

“Ma’am, may naghahanap po sa inyo,” sabi ni Kuya Mori, iyong guard na sinabihan ni Mama na bantayan ako. Parang bata.

“Sino po?” I asked. Kasi kung family ko ’yun, malamang sasabihin ni Kuya kasi alam niya naman itsura nila Mama, Papa, pati ni Jax na kunwari ayaw pa akong ihatid.

“Ano’ng pangalan mo, ’toy?” rinig kong tanong niya. “Lakasan mo, ’di ko marinig.”

I was tapping my fingers against the side table, waiting for the answer. Sino naman kaya ang pupunta? I mean, alam ko sinabi ko kila Matt kung saan ako nakatira. We’re still friends. Kahit ’di ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa amin ni Psalm, hindi ako papayag na madamay iyong sa aming magkakaibigan. We’re better than that.

“Psalm daw po, Ma’am.”

My fingers froze.

Biglang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko.

“P-po?” naguguluhan na tanong ko. “P-Psalm po?”

“Oo, kakilala mo ba? O papaalisin ko na?” tanong niya sa akin.

Mabilis akong napatayo, hindi alam ang gagawin. Shit! Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nandito! Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya pumunta! Ever since that night, hindi siya nagparamdam sa akin! It made me wonder if we’ll ever talk again because no one knew where he was! Tapos bigla na lang siyang susulpot dito?

“Psalm po? Matangkad, tapos kulot?” tanong ko, paninigurado. Ramdam ko iyong bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Iniisip ko pa lang na makikita ko siya, parang nagwawala na ang buong sistema ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong gagawin o sasabihin kapag nakita ko siya.

“Oo tapos mukhang problemado,” sabi ni Kuya. “Boyfriend mo ba ’to?”

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. We never broke up. Technically. We just took a few days off we needed to think. We needed to think where this was going. Because I seriously didn’t want to continue if there’s no trust between us. Kasi mahalaga ’yun. Ayoko na tuwing wala ako sa paningin niya, iniisip niya na may iba akong kasama. Hindi dapat ganon. Kailangan niya akong pagkatiwalaan kasi ganoon din iyong gusto ko para sa kanya.

“Pakisabi pababa na po ako,” I said, instead.

Mabilis akong naghanap ng salamin. I literally just woke up, and I looked horrible in the morning. Gulu-gulo pa ang buhok ko kaya naman mabilis akong naghanap ng suklay. Nagpalit din ako ng shorts dahil naka-pajama pa ako.

“I look like shit,” I said as I looked at the mirror once again. I wanted to stay a little longer to fix myself, but I knew that Psalm was waiting. “Bahala na nga,” I said before I decided to go down.

My whole system was in panic habang sakay ako ng elevator. I begged my body to stop shaking, but I simply just couldn’t. At nang tuluyan nang tumigil ang elevator, mas lalo lang yata akong kinabahan.

“Calm down,” I told myself as I took the first step. Paglabas ko pa lang, agad ko na siyang nakita. Naka-upo siya sa couch sa gilid habang naka-tingin sa sahig. And even from afar, I could see that his hair grew. There was five o’clock shadow on his face. He did look problematic gaya ng sinabi ni Kuya Mori.

Hesitantly, I took another step. And then another. Hanggang sa ramdam ko na siya sa harapan ko.

I was about to call his name… but it felt like he knew I was there… so he looked up. Mabilis siyang napatayo.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” I replied.

We looked like fools.

“You look good,” he told me.

“You look like shit,” I replied. He grimaced as he ran his fingers through his hair. “You should get a haircut or something.”

He nodded. “Yeah… It’s weird to keep it this long,” he said, then went back to staring at me intently. “Are you busy?”

I shook my head. Probably a little too fast. I probably looked too eager to talk to him… but I was. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to settle things—to know where we’re standing.

“Do you know a place to eat?”

I nodded, then we went to his car. Binuksan ko iyong pinto. Napa-kunot ang noo ko nang may makita akong paper bag. Ililipat ko sana iyon sa likod nang magsalita si Psalm.

“It’s for you.”

“For me?” I asked, confused.

“Yeah… I know I was supposed to accompany you when you enrolled…” he said, then paused. “Sorry I wasn’t there.”

I hated how there’s this sadness between us. The feeling was so palpable. It was weighing me down… but at the same time, I was happy that we’re confronting it instead of just pretending that everything’s fine between us. Because it wasn’t. There was a lot of unresolved issues, things we wanted to jus bury. And that’s not okay. We could pretend all we want, but one day, it’ll all come out… and it won’t be pretty.

“Okay lang. Sinamahan ako nila Mama,” I said. “Pwede ko na bang buksan?”

He nodded as he began to drive. I opened the paper bag, and was surprised to see all kind of school stuff. I bit my lower lip to stop from smiling.

“Did I get everything?” he asked while his eyes were still on the road.

I nodded. “Thank you,” I said with the widest smile I could muster. He got me everything. He got me highlighters, pens, memo pads, yellow papers, paper clips. He even got me a bookstand!

“You know, if I know the name of your required books, I’d get them.”

Natawa ako. “My books are expensive, you know.” I was so shocked when I saw the price! I mean, sure alam ko na mahal, pero grabe naman sa mahal iyong mga libro!

“I got a good salary, and nowhere to spend it,” he said.

“So, sa embassy ka pa rin?” I asked. We already talked about this, but never really addressed the issue.

“Yeah.”

“Gusto mo talaga ’dun?”

“It’s okay.”

I nodded, didn’t know what to say next. I didn’t know if I should continue to push him until he tells me why he’s really doing this. I had an idea, but I didn’t know the exact words to use without causing another fight.

Pagod na ako.

Pagod na siya.

Ayoko lang na mag-away kami kung pwede naman na pag-usapan nang maayos.

I chose not to say anything about that hanggang sa makarating kami sa resto. Hinintay ko muna na maka-order kami bago ako nagdesisyon na ipagpatuloy ang napag-usapan namin.

“Psalm,” I called his name. He looked at me. “Why… why do you want to work there when we both know that you don’t like it?”

I remained quiet, waiting for him to gather the right words. We spent days apart… and I didn’t like those days. I missed talking to him, telling him about my day no matter how boring my day was. Kasi ganoon ako ka-komportable sa kanya. Nasasabi ko lahat.

And when I thought I lost him, I thought I lost my best friend, too.

I thought I lost the only person who knew what I was feeling before I even know it myself.

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” he answered.

“Can you define what right means?” I asked.

There was the silence again.

The deafening silence.

“I should get a real job,” he replied. “I know basketball is fun… but it’s not a job. It’s just something I like to do, but it’s not something I should do.”

I took a deep breath.

“Okay,” I said, trying my best to understand where he was coming from. Kasi naiintindihan ko naman… pero malungkot ako para sa kanya. Kasi bakit kailangan niyang isipin ’yun? Kasi hindi niya naman kailangang gawin.

“Besides, I like helping people. I think I’m making a difference,” he said. He sounded like he was just convincing himself.

“Masaya ka ba?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Kung masaya ka ’dun, then I’m fine with you working there. Because that’s all I really care about. That you’re happy with whatever you choose to do,” I told him. I wanted him to know that I didn’t give a shit if he decided to just sell peanuts on the streets if that’ll make him happy. Because your job isn’t the measurement of who you are as a person. That at the end of the day, what matters most is if you’re happy with what you’re doing. Because life’s too short to do something other than being happy.

The food arrived shortly. I was about to reach for my food, when Psalm just decided to drop the question.

“We’re still together, right?” he asked, staring into my eyes, like he was begging. Like he was so scared of the words that would come out of my mouth.

I nodded. “Of course.”

And when those two words escaped, it was like a huge rock was removed from his chest. Para siyang nakahinga nang maluwag.

“Shit,” he uttered. “I thought I lost you already.”

I reached for his hand. “You didn’t okay? I’m still here,” I said as I intertwined our fingers.

Nagulat ako nang itaas niya iyong kamay ko. He kissed the back of my hand, and then put it on his cheek. “Don’t do that again. You scared me.”

I laughed. “Then don’t keep things from me.”

Umiling siya. “I’ll never do that again.”

“We’ll talk. Kahit mahirap. Kahit ’di maganda. Kahit alam natin na pagtatalunan natin,” I said, looking intently into him. “No secrets… okay?”

“No secrets,” he repeated.

We ate and walked and talked. Ang dami naming pinag-usapan. Kinwento niya sa akin kung paano siya nagpunta sa Sagada nung mga panahon na ’di namin alam kung saan siya pupunta. I asked him if his parents were worried kasi hindi siya ma-contact. He said na hindi naman kasi alam naman ni Austin kung nasaan siya. That jerk. Tinanong siya kung alam niya kung nasaan ang kapatid niya!

Gabi na nung natapos kaming dalawa. Hinatid niya ako pabalik sa condo.

“Good luck tomorrow,” he said.

I smiled. “Thanks. Ingat ka sa pagda-drive.”

He nodded. “I’ll see you on Wednesday, if you’re not busy. Can you give me a copy of your sched, and tell me the day when I can go here?”

“May trabaho ka. ’Di ka ba mapapagod?”

“It’s just an hour of drive compared to not seeing you,” he said. Napailing ako. “Seriously. Tell me the days when you’re not busy, okay? I don’t want to intrude to your studies, but I also want to see you.”

I nodded. “Fine. Bigay ko sa ’yo. But just FaceTime me kapag ’di mo na talaga kayang pumunta dito, okay?”

Bumaba na ako para pumasok sa loob. Lumingon ako sandali, at nakita ko na nandun pa rin iyong sasakyan ni Psalm. Tumakbo ako pabalik habang automatic na binaba niya iyong bintana ng sasakyan.

“Why?” he asked, his forehead creased.

“I just forgot something,” I said.

“Wha—” he was supposed to say something, when I cut him off with a kiss. It was just a quick kiss. I pulled away dahil may mga naglalakad.

“Good night! Drive safely!” sabi ko habang tumatakbo papasok sa building. I heard him yelling my name, but I didn’t look back.

---

The next day, maaga akong pumasok. I wanted to get a good seat dahil lecture iyong class. Pero kung sinu-swerte ka nga naman! Maaga na akong pumasok, pero halos puno na rin agad iyong lecture room!

I looked around for available space. May nakita ako sa third row na nag-iisang bakanteng upuan. Mabilis akong naglakad papunta doon nang bigla akong mapahinto.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said as I stared at Marcus’ back.

Chapter 53

#ABNQ53 Chapter 53

I didn’t know how I managed to go home unscathed after my encounter with him. It’s been too long since I last saw him. Hindi ko alam kung paano namin nagawang hindi magkita kahit na pareho lang ang mga kaibigan namin. I guess that’s how badly we didn’t want to see each other. We were just in-synch. Kapag may kailangan akong puntahan, automatic na wala siya. Kapag alam ko na mas mahala iyong presensya niya, automatic na may naka-handa na akong dahilan kung bakit hindi ako makaka-punta.

I knew he hated me.

I made him hate me.

Wrong choices; stupid feelings—these two were never a good mix.

Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, hindi agad ako naka-labas ng sasakyan. Kitang-kita ko iyong sasakyan ng mga kaibigan ko kaya alam ko na nasa loob sila. I was somehow tempted to just drive away again, but somehow managed to decide against it. Ilang buwan ko na ba silang hindi nakaka-usap? I always had a reason at my disposal kung bakit lagi akong busy. Puro may duty ako, may aaralin pa ako. I guess I finally ran out of things to say.

“Congratulations!” sigaw nila pagpasok ko pa lang.

I smiled. I was happy, sure, but the encounter earlier with Psalm kinda dampened my mood. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon, apektado pa rin ako sa mga salitang lumabas sa bibig niya.

‘Remember Joey?’

Wow.

I knew five years was a long time, but it certainly wasn’t long enough to forget someone who fucking broke your heart. Someone who made you beg para lang ’wag kang iwan.

“Thank you,” tipid kong sabi habang inililibot ko iyong tingin ko. May banner pa na naka-lagay para sa akin. May mga pagkain din na naka-handa. “Sino nag-ayos nito?” nagtataka kong tanong. Kaka-labas lang ng resulta. Ang bilis naman nilang mag-ayos kung sakali.

“This was planned months ago,” Anj said.

I arched a brow. “Really.”

She nodded. “We knew you’d pass. Ilang buwan mo nga kaming pinagtaguan para mag-aral, e.”

I pursed my lips. “Sorry,” sagot ko dahil hindi ko alam kung ano pa ’yung sasabihin ko. Hindi ko naman gusto na iwasan sila… It’s just that I couldn’t see Psalm. And he definitely couldn’t see me. There was just too many problems between us that we both unconsciously decided that it was better not to see each other anymore.

I couldn’t even remember if we broke up. All I could remember was that look on his face… How that scared me… How I knew that from then on, there’s no backing down. That I already dug way too deep to get myself out of the shit I got myself into.

“You’re forgiven…” she said. “If you go to Steele’s wedding this Sunday.”

Mabilis na napaawang na naman iyong labi ko.

“Please stop being a shitty friend, Joey,” she said. “You’re a doctor already. Magpakita ka naman. We miss you, you know?”

I missed a lot of things in my friends’ life. Wala ako nung magbukas ng branch iyong resto ni Matt. Wala ako nung magbreak sandali si Andre at Steele. Wala ako nung ma-engage si Anj. Wala ako nung nagpakasal siya. Wala ako nung nagcelebrate dahil lawyer na si Kitty. Wala ako nung finally may pinakilalang babae sa amin si Simon. Wala ako nung nagplano iyong buong barkada kung papaano magpo-propose si Steele.

I missed on a lot of things… And even though I try to tell myself that it’s because I was busy chasing on my dream, I knew it’s nothing but a lie. I just couldn’t see Psalm. I couldn’t.

“Okay,” mahinang sagot ko.

“Talaga?”

Tumango ako. “I’ll be there,” I said. “I promise I’ll be there.”

She smiled. “I’ll hold onto that. And don’t worry if Psalm’s there…” sabi niya. Pinili ko na hindi na magsalita. No one knew why we broke up. Basta nagulat na lang sila, wala na kami. Burado lahat ng picture, lahat ng mensahe.

We just deleted everything.

Tried to bury everything.

He deleted those first… I just followed because… Because I felt fucking guilty. And angry. I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know who to blame. I just tried to bury everything, and focused on what’s still in front of me.

Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Anj, kinausap ko iyong ibang mga bisita. I tried to smile so hard even though I knew I shouldn’t be smiling. There were so many things in my life that weren’t going right. It felt so wrong to celebrate when Kitty wasn’t even here—when I couldn’t even talk to Jax because of everything that happened.

Being an adult sucked.

Because you’re forced to confront the harsh realities of life. Because there’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Not anymore. Your only choice is to either survive or to give up… And sometimes, the latter sounds more enticing.

Because you know? Life generally just sucks.

---

After the party, I retired in my room. It had been a long while since I talked to that many people. Ever since I started reviewing for the exam, wala na talaga akong nakausap. I buried myself in books just to try to forget about my problems. And it worked. Doktor na ako… but the funny thing about avoiding your problems is that they never actually go away. You can ignore them all you want, but at the end of the day, they’re still there, haunting the shit out of you.

I got my phone to reply to all the congratulatory messages. Pumunta din ako sandali sa facebook nang madaan ako sa post ng school ko. And there he was… smiling like he didn’t ruin someone’s life.

Nakakatawa lang na iyong akala mo mabait, hindi naman pala. Kasi sasaktan ka lang, papaasahin… Tapos iiwan sa ere. At ang mahirap pa, hindi ka handa. Kasi hindi mo akalain na kaya niya pa lang gawin. Pero kaya niya pala. Kasi nagawa nga niya sa ’yo, e.

Mabilis kong pinatay iyong cellphone ko dahil alam ko na patuloy ko lang na makikita iyong mukha niya sa newsfeed ko. Topnotcher, e. Puro utak, kinulang sa puso.

Thankfully, I fell asleep quickly because of how tired I was. The next few days were just me trying to decide which hospital I’d do my residency in. Hindi agad ako makapagdesisyon hanggang hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta si Marcus. I already endured 6 years with him in the same fucking vicinity with me; I didn’t want to add few more years.

Days passed by so quickly na hindi ko namalayan na kasal na pala ni Steele at Andrea.

“Where are you?” tanong agad sa akin ni Anj pagka-sagot ko pa lang sa tawag niya.

“Mall. Bought a gift,” I replied. “I already told you na pupunta ako, ’di ba?”

“Just checking. You have a history of ditching people, you know?” she said that made me want to hang up on her. “You know the location, right? See you asap!” sabi niya sabay baba sa tawag.

Begrudgingly, I drove to the location. I was just wearing a pale rose dress and a low-heeled shoes. I didn’t know what to expect. Medyo matagal na rin simula nang huli ko silang makita. Alam ko naman na naiintindihan nila ako, pero alam ko rin na masama ang loob nila sa ’kin… Not that I blame them because I knew I did this myself.

Pagdating ko roon, hindi agad ako naka-labas ng sasakyan.

“Calm down, you stupid bitch,” I told myself. I tried to play relaxing music for a while before I finally figured that nothing could ever calm me down.

I’d see him.

I’d have to face him.

And there’s nowhere to run to.

Pagpasok ko pa lang sa venue, marami na agad akong nakitang pamilyar na mukha. Parang may naka-ukit na na ngiti sa mukha ko. No one knew the real reason why we broke up.

“Buhay ka pa pala,” sabi ni Matt pagka-kita sa ’kin.

I frowned. “Hello din sa ’yo.”

He eyed me. “Congrats.”

“Thanks.”

Pareho kaming sandaling natahimik. Hindi namin alam kung ano ang sasabihin. It was just weird—all of it. I was in the wedding of my ex boyfriend, and I was shitting in my dress because I didn’t want to see my other ex.

I really got the whole package.

Thankfully, nagsimula na iyong ceremony. Pilit akong hinila ni Anj para sa harapan kami maupo. Wala akong ibang choice kung hindi ang makita si Psalm dahil nasa harapan ko siya mismo. He was Steele’s best man.

Buong ceremony, pinilit ko na sa pari lang ako naka-tingin. I concentrated so hard na nagulat ako nang sabihin sa akin ni Anj na tatayo na kami para magpicture.

“Congrats,” bati ko nang lumapit ako sa bride at groom.

Steele smiled. “Thanks! Akala ko ’di ka makakapunta.”

I awkwardly smiled. “Sobrang busy lang,” I said. He just nodded. Alam niya na ’yun.

“Closer!” the photographer instructed. Sabay-sabay kaming umayos, pero nanadya yata iyong photographer dahil pina-palipat niya si Psalm sa tabi ko para daw balanced tignan!

I was gritting my teeth so hard. Napa-tingin ako sa mga kasama namin. At saka ko lang napansin na lahat kami ay biglang hindi maka-galaw dahil sa narinig namin. I guess Psalm and I weren’t the only ones affected by this.

“Isang picture lang!” Anj hissed at my ears. She signaled Psalm para pumunta sa tabi ko. I felt myself stiffening even more nang maramdaman ko siya sa mismong gilid ko.

“Kasal ba ’to o burol?” tanong nung photographer. “Ngiti naman d’yan!”

I probably looked so stupid, trying to smile for the sake of the camera. Nang matapos iyong pagkuha ng litrato, mabilis akong umalis sa pwesto ko. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako kabilis pero mabilis kong natagpuan iyong sarili ko na nasa labas na ng simbahan.

Pero agad akong napa-hinto nang makita ko si Kia.

“I thought I’d never see your face again,” sabi niya nang makita ako.

I tried to calm myself, but I realized that why should I? I hadn’t seen this bitch for years! Tapos ganito ang bungad niya sa akin? It’s not like I did something wrong to her para ganito siya magsalita!

“This is my friend’s wedding. Sino ka ba? Plus one ka lang naman,” sabi ko habang diretsong naka-tingin sa mga mata niya. She hated me, it was obvious. Pero bakit? Hindi ko na nakakausap pa si Psalm simula nung naghiwalay kami. It wasn’t as if I was actively seducing him para magalit siya nang ganito sa ’kin.

“Stay away from Psalm,” she threatened.

I smiled at her. “Honey, if I want Psalm, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“He hates you! You ruined him! He doesn’t want you anymore!” sigaw niya.

“Then why are you so pressed?” tanong ko sa kanya nang makita kong papalapit sa amin si Psalm.

Chapter 54

#ABNQ54 Chapter 54

When I saw my ex approaching, I did the first thing any sane woman would do—I ran. I didn’t even look back! Basta ang alam ko lang, kailangan kong makalayo doon! I didn’t want to talk to him—not in front of his girlfriend!

Good thing that I was carrying my bag kaya dumiretso na ako sa sasakyan ko. Na-start ko na iyong sasakyan ko nang may biglang kumatok sa bintana ko! Seriously! Balak yata akong patayin sa gulat ng mga tao dito!

“San ka pupunta?” Matt asked.

“Reception,” I lied. I was planning to go home, of course! Natapos ko naman iyong pinaka-ceremony! That was already too much for me! Alam ko naman na alam nila na hindi kami okay ni Psalm, kaya bakit ba pinipilit nila? If Psalm’s already okay with seeing me, then good for him.

But that wasn’t the case for me.

I didn’t want to see him.

It reminded me of a lot of things that I’d rather forget.

Matt nodded. “San ’yung reception?”

I gritted my teeth. He knew I was lying. “I wanna go home,” I honestly said. I looked into his eyes, desperate for him to feel how this was all too much for me… “Please.”

“Joey, we’re your friends. You can’t avoid us forever.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong isasagot ko kasi tama naman siya. Kaibigan ko sila… pero mas lamang sa akin iyong takot, iyong kaba. Mas nanaisin ko pa na magtago kaysa makita si Psalm.

“I’d still like to try,” I replied, giving a little smile.

Napailing na lang siya sa ’kin. “Just go to the reception, okay? Kung ayaw mong makausap si Psalm, tatabihan na lang kita buong gabi.”

Alam ko na wala naman na akong magagawa kaya pumayag na lang ako. Pinalipat ako ni Matt sa passenger seat habang siya naman ang nagdrive. Binuksan ko iyong radyo dahil ayokong mabingi na naman sa katahimikan. Gusto ko na lang matapos iyong araw na ’to.

Maybe I should start looking for a place for my residency. Kasi kapag busy na ulit ako, mawawalan na ulit ako ng oras mag-isip. Kasi ayoko na mag-isip. Ayoko na ulit isipin iyong mga bagay na nangyari dati. Iyong mga bagay na hindi ko naman na mababago.

Nang makarating kami sa hotel kung saan gaganapin iyong reception, mas lalo lang bumigat ang loob ko. I knew that I was a sucky friend because I wasn’t present it almost all the big events in their lives—and I hated that… but I just couldn’t be in the same room with him. I just couldn’t.

“I don’t want to be in the same table as him,” sabi ko habang naglalakad kami.

“Fine. Lilipat tayo,” Matt said.

“Or I can just go home, you know? Kakausapin ko na lang si Steele. ’Di naman magagalit ’yun.”

“How’d you know? You weren’t there for years, Joey. You don’t know how any of us feels,” sabi niya kaya natigilan ako. “You don’t know how clueless we were habang nakikita namin si Psalm na miserable. Na gusto namin siyang tulungan pero ayaw niyang sabihin kung paano.”

Bahagyang umawang ang bibig ko.

Gusto kong humingi ng tawad, pero hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. Kasi hindi ko rin alam kung saan nagsimula. Kung bakit umabot kami sa ganito.

“I’m sorry,” I offered.

“We don’t need your apology or your explanation. Kung ayaw mong sabihin, fine. But stop ghosting on us. It’s bad enough that Kitty’s not around, ’wag ka naman gumaya.”

I bit my lower lip. Alam ko na hindi nila deserve iyong ginawa ko na bigla na lang akong nawala. Pero ang magagawa ko? It’s either that o si Psalm ang hindi magpapakita sa kanila. And I just did what I thought was the better choice… Psalm needed them. And I didn’t deserve them after everything that happened.

Pagdating namin sa loob ng venue, nakita kong naghanap na agad si Matt ng pwede naming upuan.

“Tara,” I said, looking at the table reserved for us.

“I thought—”

“You’re right; enough running. I can’t avoid all of you forever,” I said, offering a small smile. Nagsimula na kaming maglakad. Ramdam ko iyong panginginig ng mga kamay ko. The nearer we got, the more my heart started thumping wildly inside my chest…

Ganito siguro talaga kapag guilty. Na kahit wala pang nangyayari, kinakabahan ka na. Kasi alam mo na ikaw ’yung may kasalanan.

Napahinto sila nang makita nila kaming dalawa ni Matt. Anj and Simon were smiling at us. Kia was frowning—to hell with her. Psalm? Hindi ko nagawang tumingin sa kanya. Even his mere presence was already throwing me off. Baka bigla na lang akong mapa-takbo na naman kapag nakita ko ang mukha niya.

“Hey,” Simon said. “Akala ko aalis ka na naman.”

I grinned. “Almost. Kinorner ako ni Matt.”

Naupo ako sa gitna ni Anj at Matt. Katabi ni Matt si Psalm, tapos katabi naman ni Psalm si Kia. Mas mabuti na ’to kaysa nasa harap ko mismo si Psalm.

“So… ang tagal na nung huling na-kumpleto tayo!” Anj said, smiling.

Unfortunately, nasa harap ko si Kia kaya kitang-kita ko kung paano siya sumimangot sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ni Anj. Sobrang tempted ako na batuhin siya nung tinidor. Sabit lang naman siya dito kaya bakit ba sobrang attitude niya?

I smiled awkwardly. Ang lungkot kapag awkward ka na sa mga tao na dati sobrang kumportable mo. Pero minsan, ganoon talaga. Because growing up also means growing apart…

They’d always be my friends, but I knew, deep inside me, that some things just changed permanently. Hindi na talaga kagaya ng dati. Sobrang guarded na. Kasi ang dami ng nangyari. Kasi kahit walang kampihan na naganap, alam ko na sinisisi nila ako. Kasi ganoon din ang ginagawa ko. Sinisisi ko iyong sarili ko kung bakit ganito.

“Magsisimula ka na ba agad magtrabaho?” Simon asked.

I shook my head. “Hindi pa. Nag-iisip pa ako kung saan ako magreresidency,” tipid na sagot ko. I didn’t like how the spotlight was on me, but I couldn’t blame them. For five years, they heard nothing from me. It was expected that they’d want to know what I was up to.

“Ilang years nga ’yung residency?”

“Three to five years. Depende,” I replied.

Matt grimaced. “Sobrang nerd. ’Di ka pa ba sawa mag-aral?”

I just smiled. Napapagod naman din akong mag-aral. But with the way my life was going, I’d rather study than to confront all my problems. Matagal ko nang tanggap na ako iyong problema. Kasi bakit palaging ako ’yung iniiwan? Dati, akala ko kawawa lang talaga ako… pero naisip ko, baka ako lang talaga ’yung problema. Kasi nung iniwan ako ni Steele, naging masaya na siya kay Andrea… Nung naghiwalay kami ni Psalm, mukhang okay naman siya kay Kia…

Maybe I was the problem.

And so long as I was the problem, I’d never get in another relationship. I didn’t want a rerun of all the heartache and the drama. Kasi doon lang naman babagsak hanggang alam ko sa sarili ko na marami akong problema.

“I’ll just go to the rest room,” sabi ko. Naka-tingin sila sa akin na parang nagdududa na aalis ako kaya naman tinuro ko iyong bag ko. Hindi naman ako makakaalis na wala iyong bag ko.

Mabilis akong pumunta sa restroom. I didn’t even know why I went here. I guess I just needed room to breathe. Kasi kahit hindi nagsasalita si Psalm, ramdam ko iyong presensya niya. Na nandun lang siya, nakikinig sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko.

Pagbalik ko, hindi agad ako naka-balik sa pwesto ko dahil nagsimulang maglakad iyong mga babae papunta sa gitna. I was pushed and swayed until I just found myself in the middle of the swarm.

“Let’s see who the next bride will be,” sabi nung host.

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Hell, no! Sinubukan kong umalis dahil wala akong balak makipag-agawan sa boquet! Pero dahil masyadong nagkakagulo iyong mga babae, mas lalo lang akong natulak!

“Shit!” I cursed when the fucking bouquet landed on my hands! Sa sobrang gulat ko, nalaglag ko siya sa sahig. It was like I was burned at the touch of it! Bakit ba kasi sa akin napunta? Did I look happy? Because I sure as hell didn’t feel happy!

“Looks like the friend of the groom is the next bride!” sabi nung host habang pinapalapit ako sa gitna. Steele looked horrified habang naglalakad ako. “What’s your name?”

“Joey,” tipid kong sabi.

“Well, Joey, let’s find out kung sino ang future groom mo!” sabi niya.

I stood there uncomfortably as I watched Steele get the garter using his teeth. Sobrang awkward! Bakit ba ako nalalagay sa ganitong sitwasyon?! Nang makuha na iyon ni Steele, laking gulat ko nung hindi niya na hinintay na pumunta lahat ng lalaki sa gitna. He fucking threw it right at Psalm’s face!

“You fucking—”

Steele grinned. “That’s your wedding gift to me,” sabi niya.

“I got you a microwave!”

Andrea smiled. “Just dance with the guy, Joey. For the last five years, I’d seen him consume so much alcohol. Baka siya pa ang una mong maging pasyente. Pati pala itong asawa ko dahil sabay silang umiinom palagi.”

I glared at Steele. “I’m taking the microwave back!” sabi ko habang tinutulak nila akong dalawa papunta sa gitna.

Everyone we knew was cheering habang naglalakad ako papunta sa gitna. I guessed they were enjoying my misery because I most certainly wasn’t enjoying this.

You are my favorite everything

Been telling you that since 2015

Shut up, I love you

You’re my best friend

Nagsimulang kumabog ang dibdib ko nang maka-harap ko na siya. Sinubukan ko na ’wag tignan ang mga mata niya, pero wala akong nagawa. He’s right there, in front of me.

And suddenly, there’s nowhere left to run.

He took a step forward. I almost took a step backward.

“Where’s Marcus?” he asked as he was just a few inch away from me. Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na magpakatatag habang nandyan siya sa harap ko. I shouldn’t break down in front of him. I shouldn’t let him see me weak. Not now. Not after everything.

“We’re not together,” I answered.

He looked at me with indifference. Na parang wala na siyang pakielam sa akin… And I didn’t know what to make of it. Kasi ano ba ang mas gusto ko? Na magalit siya dahil sa mga ginawa ko? O ang makita na ganito na parang wala na siyang pakielam sa akin?

“Why not?” he asked, as he got my hand, and placed it on his shoulder. “You two deserve each other.”

Chapter 55

#ABNQ55 Chapter 55

Six years ago…

I must have had cursed pretty loudly dahil hindi lang si Marcus ang napa-tingin sa akin, kung hindi pati iyong ibang tao sa row na iyon. Gusto ko na lang takpan iyong mukha ko sa kahihiyan, pero hindi ko agad nagawa dahil biglang nanahimik iyong buong auditorium.

“Shit, si Dr. Villescas nga!” sabi nung isang babae sa pinaka-dulo ng row.

“Sobrang swerte natin, girl!” sabi naman nung isa. “Shit, wala na namang tulugan ’to!”

Gusto ko sanang magtanong kung sino ba si Dr. Villescas pero hindi ko na nagawa iyon dahil papaakyat na siya sa stage. Mabilis kong inilibot ang mga mata ko. Wala ng ibang vacant seat! Swerte ko naman talaga!

Quickly, I took the vacant seat. Pinilit kong magfocus sa harapan ko kahit na ramdam na ramdam ko iyong katabi ko.

“Bakit ka nandito?” bulong niya sa akin.

Nilabas ko iyong notebook ko. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but this felt so wrong. Nangako ako kay Psalm na wala ng sikreto, na wala ng Marcus… Pero ano ang gagawin ko kung naiipit ako sa sitwasyon?

God, it felt like I was making excuses for myself, but there really was nothing else to do! My other choice was to stand during the lecture!

“Why are you here?” balik na tanong ko sa kanya. Nagsimulang magpakilala iyong professor namin sa Human Anatomy. Pinaliwanag niya iyong mga requirements and course expectation para sa buong school year. I was religiously jotting down notes nang mapansin ko na nasa akin iyong mga mata ni Marcus.

“What?” tanong ko nang bumaling ako sa kanya. I didn’t want to sound off as rude, but I… I just didn’t want any more trouble. And as much as I wanted him to be my friend, kung pag-aawayan lang namin siya palagi ni Psalm, then I’d just have to accept that I shouldn’t have Marcus in my life.

Psalm’s my boyfriend—he’s my priority. And if being friends with Marcus was hurting him, then I’d do everything to prevent that from happening.

“Akala ko sa St. Claire’s ka?” tanong niya.

“Obviously, I’m here,” I replied. Kita ko na nagulat siya sa paraan ng pagsagot ko sa kanya. I immediately wanted to say sorry, but I thought that this would be better… I already helped him get into medschool… Tama na siguro ’yun. Panahon na para sarili ko naman iyong isipin ko. And I wanted Psalm in my life—and that would never happen if I’d keep on letting Marcus in.

Hindi na siya nagsalita pa pagkatapos noon. I tried to ignore him for the whole duration of the lecture. I’d just have to make sure na mas maaga akong papasok next time para sa ibang lugar ako maupo.

“Before the class ends, I need you to look at the people beside you,” biglaang sabi ni Dr. Villescas. “They will be your seatmates for the entire school year. Good morning, and I hope you’d enjoy your first year in med school.”

Biglang umawang iyong iyong labi ko.

Shit.

Nagsimula nang maglabasan iyong mga tao. I was still too stunned to even move. Iniisip ko na kung ano ang susunod kong gagawin—kung paano ko matatapos iyong taon na ’to ng walang pag-aaway na magaganap sa pagitan namin ni Psalm… Pero paano ko magagawa iyon kung palaging nasa tabi ko si Marcus?

---

For the next classes, I made sure na hindi ko katabi si Marcus. Kasi hindi ko na alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag kay Psalm kung magiging seatmate ko si Marcus sa lahat ng subject. Pero anatomy pa rin iyong pinaka-time consuming ko na subject ngayong tao. I was still pretty sure that I’d see more of Marcus than I could possibly want.

“Hey, okay ka lang?” Nikka asked.

Tumango ako habang nagdu-doodle sa notes ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba ako napagod talaga—kung sa pakikinig at pag-a-absorb ng lahat ng information, o sa pag-iisip kung paano ko kakausapin si Psalm mamaya.

“Yeah, ’di lang ako sanay sa ganito karami na inaaral,” sabi ko sa kanya.

She smiled at me. “Okay lang ’yan, makaka-adjust ka rin,” she said. Galing din sa St. Claire’s si Nikka kaya nagka-sundo agad kami. Although she took up BS Pharmacy nung undergrad niya kaya siguro mas madali sa kanya iyong mga subject ngayon.

It was already 5pm when the last class for the day ended. Tahimik lang ako habang inaayos iyong mga gamit ko. I was already looking forward to sleeping, pero ang dami ko pang kailangang basahin. Ito na nga yata talaga iyong sinasabi ni Papa na sobrang daming kailangang basahin… Dagdag pa na mas marami akong kailangang habulin dahil ’di naman Science-based iyong undergrad course ko.

“Joey.”

Agad akong napa-hinto sa paglalakad nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Marcus. Dahan-dahan akong lumingon para tignan siya. Gusto ko siyang kausapin. Gusto ko lang ipaliwanag kung saan ako nanggagaling. Gusto ko rin maintindihan niya na hindi ko naman ’to gusto—pero kailangan ko lang talagang mamili.

“Yeah?” I replied.

“Akala ko…” he trailed. I waited for him to finish what he was saying. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Mas mabuti siguro kung tatanungin niya na lang ako… Kasi sasagutin ko siya. Ayoko nang magsinungaling. Gusto ko lang manatili si Psalm sa buhay ko. I didn’t care much about anything else.

“Bakit ka nandito?” he asked.

I looked him straight into his eyes. I braced myself as I began to say the words—words I chose carefully because I didn’t want to hurt him… I just wanted to explain why I’d be doing what I’d do. That I wasn’t doing this out of whim.

“Because I thought you’d be studying there,” I replied. Mas hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa mga libro ko. Pilit kong tinignan siya sa mga mata niya kahit na nalulungkot ako kung bakit kailangan naming dumating sa ganito. “Bakit ka nandito, Marcus?”

There was a small smile on his face—sad, even. “Nakaka-tawa,” sagot niya. “Akala ko… Akala ko nandun ka kaya nandito ako.”

Walang nagsalita sa amin.

Parehas naka-tingin sa isa’t-isa.

Nakaka-tawa nga. Kung kailan parehas naming gustong umiwas, at saka pa kami pinagtagpo ng tadhana.

“I can’t be friends with you,” I said.

Tumango siya. “Alam ko.”

“I’m sorry.”

Tinignan niya ako. “Ako rin.”

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa dahil tinalikuran niya ako.

---

I needed to study for three of my subjects dahil may quiz daw bukas. Pero hindi ako makapag-aral dahil hindi pa rin nagrereply si Psalm. Hindi ako mapakali hanggang hindi kami nag-uusap at hindi ko napapa-liwanag sa kanya iyong nangyari.

I just didn’t want to go through all that shit again. Na kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na wala naman akong ginagawang masama kaya hindi ako nagsabi, nauwi pa rin kami sa hindi pagkakaintindihan. I just didn’t want to commit the same mistakes again—iyong hindi ako nagsasabi. O kung nagsasabi man ako, hindi ko naipapaliwanag nang maayos iyong sarili ko.

In the middle of trying to study, my phone vibrated.

Nikka: anong material mo para sa anatomy?

Me: yung book lang. May iba ba?

Nikka: oo kaya!!! Kanina after physio nagpunta kami sa xerox. Di ka nakakuha???

Me: shit seryoso?

Nikka: oo girl! Sabi ng higher batch dun daw kumukuha si dra ng quiz items.

Me: madaming page ba? Pwede ba pa pic tapos pa-send?

Nikka: oo pero send ko sayo wait lang sa email na lang para mas malinaw. Send mo email mo

Halos iuntog ko iyong sarili ko sa pader dahil sa sinabi ni Nikka. I was too preoccupied earlier na hindi ko napansin iyong nangyari. Masyado kong iniisip iyong pag-uusap namin ni Marcus pati iyong pagsasabi ko kay Psalm. If it weren’t for Nikka, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin bukas.

While I was waiting for Nikka’s email, my phone rang. It was Psalm. Agad akong tumayo, at naglakad papunta sa veranda. The cold air brushed against my skin. Hindi ko alam kung nilalamig na ba ako o kinakabahan. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko.

“Hey,” bungad niya. “How’s the first day?”

I smiled upon hearing his voice. God, I missed him. Bakit nga ba dito ako nag-aral? If only I chose to study somewhere in Manila, mas madali sana kaming makakapagkita ni Psalm…

But I needed this. I couldn’t be dependent forever. At one point, I knew I needed to grow up.

“Stressful,” I said. “I want to talk, but I have quizzes tomorrow…”

“Yeah, sure. I just called because you texted me. I thought you wanted to say something.”

Huminga ako nang malalim.

I was never one who’s good with words. Maybe I just had the knack on always choosing the wrong ones—that even with my best intentions, I always still managed to make them sound so wrong.

But now, I needed to try my best. Kasi wala sa harapan ko si Psalm. Mahirap magpaliwanag sa pamamagitan ng tawag lang. Ang daling ma-misinterpret ng mga salita.

“Psalm…” I began.

I heard him chuckling. “Hey, you’re making me nervous. What is it?”

Huminga muli ako nang malalim. “Earlier, in my anatomy class, maaga naman akong dumating pero pagdating ko, puno na agad iyong lecture hall…” panimula ko. “Isa na lang iyong bakanteng upuan.”

“And?”

I closed my eyes first before I continued. “Can we Facetime instead?” pakiusap ko. Mas mabuti na iyong makikita niya iyong mukha ko para alam niya na ’di ko naman ’to ginusto. Ni hindi ko naman pinlano na sa iisang school na naman kami.

Sobrang isang malaking joke lang siguro ang tingin ng tadhana sa buhay ko.

“You’re really making me nervous,” sabi niya.

“Please?” I asked again. He agreed, and called me again. Nang masagot ko iyong tawag niya, kitang-kita ko iyong pagkunot ng noo ko. He looked genuinely worried, and I hated myself for making him go through this again.

“Joey, what is it?” tanog niya.

I took a deep breath before I began to answer. I went back to my room, and started to pace back and forth while I told him about what happened.

“Marcus is here.”

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad. Tinignan ko iyong itsura niya. I wanted to explain myself more, but I feared that I might sound defensive. Pakiramdam ko, kahit ano pa ang gawin ko, may hindi ako magagawang tama.

Ilang segundo pa ang hinintay ko, pero hindi na siya nagsalita pa. I was afraid that he’d take it the wrong way, so I quickly explained what really happened. Na hindi ko naman alam, na hindi ko naman gusto. Na ang gusto ko lang, mag-aral nang tahimik tapos makita siya tuwing weekend… Iyon lang naman talaga ang gusto ko.

“I’m sorry…” I said. I just didn’t want to fight. I was already tired with everything, and the last thing that I wanted to do was to fight with him.

“It’s not as if you wanted this to happen,” he said with a small smile on his face. “Thank you for telling me this.”

I bit my lower lip. “I don’t want to fight.”

He nodded. “Me, too,” he said. “I want to talk to you more, but you have to study.”

“I know… Bawi ako bukas…”

He smiled. “I’ll try to go there on Wednesday, okay? And don’t forget to eat.”

I nodded. “Yup, I know. Thank you…” sabi ko habang naka-tingin pa rin sa mukha niya. Kung sana nandito lang siya. He always knew how to make me calm. I needed him more today dahil sobrang kinakabahan ako sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. It felt a little too much—the pressure was suffocating me.

“Psalm,” tawag ko sa kanya bago ko pa ibaba iyong tawag. “I love you.”

I knew I should’ve said that in person, but I felt like I needed to say it right now. Para alam niya na seryoso ako, na hindi ako gagawa ng kahit na ano para masira kami. 

And if it means avoiding Marcus, then I’d avoid him at all cost.

Chapter 56

#ABNQ56 Chapter 56

I stared at him, unable to believe what he just said, but at the same time, I knew where he was coming from. Galit siya. Alam ko. May karapatan siyang sabihin sa akin iyon. Alam ko. Ako ’yung dahilan kung bakit siya ganito. Alam ko. But still, a little part inside me wanted him to just be mad at me… Hindi iyong ganito na halos hindi ko na siya makilala.

Pain changes people… I guess this one’s true.

The sad part was, I changed him for the worse.

“Bagay din kayo ni Kia,” sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa mga mata niya. “Gaano na kayo katagal?”

His jaw clenched. It made me want to take a step back, but I didn’t. I stayed, and looked into his eyes as he stared at me with such hatred.

“Two years,” he replied.

Sinubukan kong ngumiti. “That’s… good to hear,” sagot ko sa kanya. Ni wala pa sa chorus iyong kanta, pero pakiramdam ko ay masasakal na ako sa mga nangyayari.

“Really?” tanong niya na parang nang-aasar.

Tumango ako. “Yeah, of course. I’m happy that you’re happy,” sabi ko sa kanya. Bigla kong naramdaman ang paghigpit ng hawak niya sa akin. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng takot sa paraan ng pagtingin niya.

“I find it hard to believe that,” he said. “After all the bullshit that you put me through, I find it hard to believe that you want me to be ever happy, Dra. Yuchengco ,” sabi niya nang may pang-uuyam. As if me being a doctor was the worst thing that could ever happen to him. 

Gustuhin ko mang iiwas ang tingin ko ay hindi ko magawa. Nandito siya sa harapan ko. Ni hindi niya magawang ialis ang tingin sa akin.

“Psalm, please—”

“Please what?” he cut me off. “Please forgive you? Please forget what you did? Please—”

I couldn’t listen to him say another word. Pakiramdam ko ay sumisikip ang dibdib ko sa bawat segundo na nakikinig ako sa mga sinasabi niya.

So, I took a step back. Wala akong pakielam kung ano ang sasabihin ng iba. Hindi nila alam iyong nararamdaman ko. Hindi nila alam kung gaano kahirap para sa akin na tumayo sa harap ni Psalm, at makipag-usap sa kanya habang isa-isang bumabalik sa alaala ko iyong mga bagay na pilit kong nililimot.

“I… I gotta go,” I barely whispered as I exited the dance floor. Diretso akong bumalik sa lamesa. Naka-tingin sa akin lahat ng mga kaibigan ko—lahat ng mga mata nila ay nagtatanong sa kung ano ang nangyari. Pero kahit na gusto ko mang sagutin iyon, hindi ko magawa.

Kasi nakaka-hiya.

Kasi wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sa kanila kapag nalaman nila.

“San ka pupunta?” tanong ni Matt.

“Uuwi,” simple kong sagot. Akmang magsasalita pa sana siya nang unahan ko siya. “Today’s been a long day for me. Naka-attend na ako ng kasal, naka-punta na ako sa reception. Please… I want to go home.”

Alam kong rinig nila iyong pagmamakaawa sa boses ko. Hindi ko na gusto na magtagal pa ng kahit isang segundo sa lugar na ’to. Gusto ko na lang umalis, magpakalayo. Ayokong makita si Psalm dahil siya iyong palatandaan ng lahat ng maling desisyon ko sa buhay.

I just… I just couldn’t look at him without hurting.

Nang wala akong marinig na pagtutol sa kanila, mabilis akong lumabas. Halos manginig ang mga kamay ko sa sobrang pagmamadali na makaalis sa lugar na ’to. Why did I even think for a second that seeing Psalm would be okay? That he’d treat me the same after everything that I’d put him through?

Sobrang tanga ko lang.

---

The next few days were me just trying to keep altogether. I tried to keep myself busy by helping Jax out kahit na alam ko na wala naman talaga akong maitutulong sa kanya. Ayoko lang talaga na walang ginagawa dahil alam ko na babalik lang sa alaala ko iyong mga nangyari dati.

“Just go. You’re not helping,” Jax said, obvious annoyed.

Inirapan ko siya. “You’re obviously in need of help. Bakit ayaw mong humingi ng tulong kay Mama? She can help,” sagot ko sa kanya. It’s just crazy what he got himself into. Naiintindihan ko naman iyong ginagawa niya… But he’s my brother. Of course I worry about his safety.

“Ayoko kayong idamay. Kaya please, iwan mo muna ako. Stop trying to make this case your diversion. Ayusin mo ’yang problema mo,” sabi niya bago tuluyang itulak ako palabas ng kwarto niya. Simula nang kuhanin niya iyong kaso, pinabalik siya ng mga magulang namin sa bahay. Kasi pakiramdam ko rin ay bigla na lang aatakihin sa puso sila Mama kapag nasa condo lang mag-isa si Jax. At least dito sa bahay, safe siya… kahit papaano.

Dahil wala na akong ibang magawa, I finally gave in and decided to open my phone. I turned it off for a few days… dahil ayokong may makausap na kahit sino. Sobrang duwag ko lang talaga. Mas gusto ko na magtago kaysa kumprontahin iyong mga problema ko.

Upon opening, my phone was bombarded with different texts. Mayroong mga text galing kina Matt pati na rin sa mga kaibigan ko galing med school. Hindi ko alam kung magrereply ba ako o kung ano.

Suddenly, I wished that I was still in medschool. Kasi kapag ganon, pwede kong gawing dahilan na marami akong binabasa… Pero ngayon, ano pa ba ang pwede kong gawin na dahilan? I had all the time in the world… yet still I wanted to run away.

Nikka: Stef’s asking para ma-confirm attendance mo. Di ka pa raw nagrereply.

Me: Attendance for what?

Nikka: Thanksgiving ball ng school pati induction

Nikka: Ano? Di ka pupunta?

Me: Required ba attendance?

Nikka: Kahit sang parte ng Pilipinas ka magtago, magkikita kayo ni Marcus! Nasa iisang profession kayo!!!! Naiinis na ako ha. At kahit di ka pumunta sa thanksgiving ng school, pati ba sa induction sa med assoc di ka pupunta? Pinaghirapan mo rin tong medical degree. Dahil lang kay Marcus dedeprive mo sarili mo ng recognition na pinaghirapan mo naman? Umayos ka nga.

I leaned my head back against the wall as I closed my eyes. Tama naman siya. Kahit saan pa ako pumunta, sigurado ako na makikita ko si Marcus. Swerte lang ako na alam ko kung saan siya nag internship kaya nakapaghanap ako ng ibang hospital…

Pero palagi na lang ba akong iiwas? Kahit hindi lang naman ako iyong may kasalanan?

Me: Fine. I’ll go.

Nikka: Thank God! I’ll see you, okay? Wag ng tanga masyado, Joey.

Hindi ko mapigilang mapa-ngiti. My friendship with Nikka was a bit peculiar. Nang nasa medschool pa kaming dalawa, hindi natatapos ang isang buwan na hindi kami nag-aaway. Siguro kasi masyado siyang assertive tapos minsan, naiirita ako sa kanya. But at the end of the day, I realized that however harsh her words were, they were true. Ayoko lang aminin sa sarili ko kasi tama siya.

After I confirmed my attendance with Stef, lumabas na ako. Dumiretso ako sa mall para mamili ng damit na isusuot ko. Alam ko na makikita ko si Marcus doon—of course makikita ko siya. Baka nga attendance niya iyong unang ikinonfirm, e.

Topnotcher my ass.

Ilulubog ko siya sa mga libro kapag nakita ko siya.

---

The day of the thanksgiving, mas pinili ko na magpa-late. I didn’t want to make a grand entrance, but I also didn’t want to stay for long. Kung hindi lang ako masyadong tinamaan sa sinabi ni Nikka, hindi ako pupunta. Pero tama naman siya, e. Ako na lang ba palagi ang mag-a-adjust?

Upon arriving, nakita ko na kumakain na iyong mga tao. Tahimik akong pumunta sa pwesto ni Nikka. Thankfully, she really did reserve a seat for me.

“You’re late!”

“Traffic,” I reasoned out.

“Really. Kahit 10 minutes drive lang mula sa bahay niyo?” tanong niya sa akin. Hindi ko na siya sinagot dahil alam naman naming dalawa na magsisinungaling ako. “Tapos na magserve ng food.”

“Okay lang. ’Di ako gutom,” I said, although I was really hungry. Hindi ako makakain sa sobrang kaba sa pagpunta dito. I tried to eat earlier, but I ended up throwing up everything.

Bakit ba sobrang kabado ko?

“They really didn’t spare any expense for this…” I commented as I looked around. I mean, sure, alam ko na mayaman iyong school ko, but to spend as much as this for a party?

Nikka smirked. “For the first time in a decade, naka-kuha ulit ng first place sa boards ’yung schoool, of course ’di sila magtitipid. Alam mo ba kung magkano binigay nila kay Marcus?”

I shrugged, and reached for the glass of wine in front of me. “Not interested.”

Nikka rolled her eyes. “You are interested. So, for your in-denial self’s sake, the school gave Marcus 500k! Pati binalik iyong lahat ng tuition niya—”

“Ano’ng tuition? Scholar ’yun,” sabi ko.

Natawa si Nikka. “Tss. ’Di daw siya interesado,” sabi niya kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. “Anyway, yeah, alam ko ’yun, but still, on top of the 500k, magkano tuition natin per sem? Almost 200? Tapos multiply mo ’yun sa per sem for 6 years! And balita din na sinabihan si Marcus ni Dean na mamili kung saang bansa gusto magbakasyon, basta daw sure na sa hospital niya magreresidency.”

Tahimik akong nakinig sa sinabi niya. I was… happy for him. Of course, I was happy for him. I was there. Alam ko na mahirap lahat kaya alam ko na kung anuman ang nakukuha niya ngayon, he deserved that.

But still…

Still, he fucked me over. Hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad ko siya kahit kailan.

Habang nagku-kwento si Nikka sa ibang bagay, sabay kaming napa-tingin sa stage nang may magsalita.

“Every year, we just achieve to get a hundred percent passing rate every board exam. We all know that every student works hard, and for that, as an institution, we just want everyone to become a licensed doctor. That’s the dream… But of course, we couldn’t help but be proud to have the top place for this year’s physician’s exam!” masayang sabi ni Dean Romero. “Let’s give a round of applause for Dr. Marcus Isaiah Nicolas!”

As I heard everyone clapping for him, I couldn’t get my eyes as he slowly gets up the stage. He was wearing a suit and he looked… okay.

“Potah, ang gwapo sana kung ’di lang gago,” bulong sa akin ni Nikka. “San ka pupunta?” tanong niya sa akin nang tumayo ako.

“Labas,” tipid kong sagot.

Akala ko ay aawayin niya ako, pero nabigla ako nang tumango siya. “You want me to shout boo ?” tanong niya.

Natawa ako. “Gaga. Just clap on my behalf,” sagot ko bago ako tuluyang naglakad palabas.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Ang alam ko lang, gusto kong umalis. Ayokong makita ang mukha. Ayokong marinig ang boses niya. Ayokong maramdaman ang presensya niya.

I didn’t know this hotel. I didn’t know where to go. All I knew was that I needed to get away from him.

I stayed in the hall, trying to breathe… To just breathe… Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pwede na palaging ganito, na palaging umiiwas. One day, I’d see him. And one day, I’d run out of places to run to.

Pero nang bumukas iyong pinto, biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

“Joey.”

And as if it was on cue, I took a step back. Him… in front of me… It was all too fucking much.

“Joey, please,” sabi niya sa akin.

Umiling ako. “No,” sagot ko. “Don’t come near me. I don’t want to talk to you,” sabi ko sabay talikod. Halos tumakbo ako sa pagnanais na maka-layo mula sa kanya. Pero alam ko na nasa likod ko lang din siya.

“Joey, kausapin mo naman ako,” rinig kong sabi niya.

“What for? It’s five years too late, Marcus! I don’t need your fucking apology or your fucking excuse!” I said as I tried to distance myself more from him.

“Joey—” sabi niya. Pero sabay kaming napa-tigil nang makita namin si Psalm sa harap namin… And he looked like he’s about to kill us both.

Chapter 57

#ABNQ57 Chapter 57

Biglang tumigil ang mundo ko. Parang biglang nais malagot ng hininga ko. Kanina pa nagsusumigaw ang isip ko na umalis na ako, pero hindi makuhang gumalaw ng mga paa ko. Basta ang alam ko, kailangan kong umalis—kailangan naming umalis.

“Joey—” Marcus said but I quickly cut him off.

“Umalis ka na,” pakiusap ko.

Umiling siya. “Hindi kita iiwan.”

“Marcus, please,” nagmamakaawa kong sabi.

Ayokong mag-abot sila. Ayokong mag-usap sila. Ni ayokong nasa iisang lugar sila! Because the last time we were all together in the same place? Iyon ang unang beses na natakot ako kay Psalm…

And I didn’t want a rerun of that. Dahil alam ko na hindi ko na sila pwedeng iwasan. Dahil alam ko na kahit ano’ng pagtakbo at pagtatago ang gawin ko, makikita at makikita ko pa rin sila… Kaya masama ba kung hihilingin ko na sana… Sana maging maayos kami sa isa’t-isa? Kahit alam ko na napaka-imposible nun.

“Psalm—” sabi ko nang nasa harapan na namin siya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula. Hindi ko na alam kung paano siya kakausapin. Alam ko na ilang taon na ang lumipas, alam ko na mayroon na siyang iba… Pero alam ko rin na kahit na ganoon, mahirap na mapatawad ako.

“I almost believed you when you said that the two of you weren’t together,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa aming dalawa.

Mabilis akong umiling. “We’re not together,” I said because I didn’t want him thinking that after him, I got together with Marcus. Kasi hindi iyon ’yung nangyari. Ayokong isipin niya iyon.

“You don’t have to explain. After all, you cheated on me with him.”

Parang biglang tumigil ang mundo ko nang marinig ko ang mga sinabi niya. Parang bigla niya na lang akong sinaksak sa dibdib.

“You threw away years of friendship and months of being together. All for him,” he said while smiling at us. And it made me sick how he was trying to act like it was all okay. Even though we all know that nothing’s ever going to be okay. “It would be such a waste if you two didn’t end up together.”

Nagsimulang lumabo ang paningin ko.

Nagsimulang sumikip ang dibdib ko.

Gusto kong magsalita, humingi ng tawad, ngunit walang ni isang salita ang lumabas sa bibig ko.

“Joey, tara na,” biglang sabi ni Marcus. Mabilis niyang hinawakan iyong kamay ko at hinila ako.

Umiling ako, at mabilis na pinunasan iyong mga tulang nagsisimulang bumagsak mula sa mga mata ko. “C-can we talk?” tanong ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya. Halos hindi na ako maka-hinga. Parang bigla na lang akong tatakasan ng malay, pero gusto ko siyang maka-usap. Gusto kong magpaliwanag. Kahit na alam ko na walang silbi kahit magpaliwanag ako, gusto ko pa ring gawin. Kahit alam ko na wala akong matinong dahilan kung bakit ko nagawa ang mga nagawa ko, gusto ko pa rin na malaman niya. Na kahit kailan, hindi ko sinadya na saktan siya. Na hindi ko pinlano na mangyari lahat ng nangyari.

That sometimes, things just happen.

And I’d forever blame myself for hurting him.

“Joey—”

“Marcus, please,” I pleaded. I had been carrying this guilt for years. Pagod na pagod na ako. Pagod na ako na palaging magtago dahil hindi ko kayang makita si Psalm. Dahil alam ko na ako iyong may kasalanan. Dahil guilty ako.

Umiling siya. “Hindi kita iiwan.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “Iniwan mo na ako dati, ’di ba? Bakit hindi mo na lang ulitin ngayon?” Kitang-kita ko kung paano gumuhit ang sakit sa mga mata niya. Pero kailangan kong gawin ito. Kailangan kong makausap si Psalm. Kailangan kong mailabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Dahil hindi ako makakausad sa buhay ko kung lagi kong dala-dala lahat ng pagsisisi ko.

Ibinaling ko ang tingin ko. I couldn’t even look Marcus in the eye after what I said to him. I focused on myself, on begging myself to pull it together because I knew that I needed to explain myself, explain what happened… kahit wala ng kwenta.

“Don’t hurt her,” Marcus told Psalm. “Please.”

Nanatili ang mga mata ko kay Psalm. Naka-tingin siya sa akin. Gusto kong lumapit, magsalita, pero wala akong magawa. It felt like the littlest movement would make me run far from him.

Maybe this was the thing with guilt—it would haunt you and eat you alive. Na kahit anong pilit mong ’wag pansinin, unti-unti ka nitong kakainin… hanggang sa hindi mo na makilala ang sarili mo.

“C-can we go somewhere else?”

“No,” he quickly answered that it hurt me a bit. Kasi parang dati, kahit ano’ng sabihin ko, kung kaya niyang gawin, gagawin niya… “Kia’s waiting for me.”

My lips were quivering, my hands shaking. I tried to smile, to mask the pain that I was feeling, but I knew that I couldn’t very well pretend that I was okay with everything that’s happening in my life.

“What do you want, Joey?” he asked, looking straight into my eyes. My chest was tightening seconds after seconds. I couldn’t breathe around him. I felt like my conscience was killing me.

“I… I want to explain.”

“I don’t need your explanation. You cheated on me. You don’t deserve me.”

Mabilis na tumulo ang luha ko dahil sa mga sinabi niya. Alam ko na tama siya. Alam ko na mali ako. Pero bawal bang magkamali? Bawal bang magsisi? Bawal bang humingi ng tawad?

“Psalm, alam kong mali ako—”

“If you forgot to text me, that’s called a mistake. But cheating on me? That’s not a mistake, Joey. Stop justifying your cheating,” he said, his jaw clenching. I could see his breathing deepening; I could see the flare of anger in his eyes.

“Hindi ko naman pinlano ’yun, Psalm! Hindi ko naman inisip na lokohin ka!”

Umiling siya. “Joey, you don’t just cheat on people! You decided to cheat! For once, stop blaming the circumstances. You chose to cheat on me. Stop making yourself feel better by creating excuses.”

I shook my head fervently, with tears streaming down my eyes. “But I didn’t! I didn’t choose to cheat on you! Psalm naman! You know I loved you! I would never do anything to hurt you deliberately!”

I could see him shaking in anger. I could see the tears slowly forming in his eyes.

Maybe this was the breakup we didn’t have years ago.

Maybe this… Maybe this was what we needed.

“Joey, I fucking drove hours just to see you! I was so fucking tired, but I still went to see you because I knew you needed me then! I did everything right… but you really wanted Marcus, right? You just needed me to mess up so that you’d have a reason to choose him.”

Umiling ako. “You know that’s not true!”

“You have always wanted Marcus. We both know that. Be with him, I don’t care. We’re done, Joey,” sabi niya bago mabilis na tinalikuran ako.

Hindi agad ako naka-galaw. Masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Mabigat ang paghinga ko dahil sa mga narinig kong salita mula sa kanya, ngunit mabilis ko siyang sinundan nang maka-bawi ako. Mabilis akong tumakbo para maabutan ko siya. Halos madapa ako sa pagtakbo ko, ngunit wala akong pakielam.

“Psalm!” I shouted.

But he didn’t stop. He continued walking far from me. I continued to run after him.

“I’m not yet done!” I said, grabbing his arm, and forcing him to look at me. We both had tears in our eyes, but that wouldn’t stop me from making him listen to me! I didn’t want him to go on living thinking na sinadya ko siyang lokohin!

“Joey, we’re done! Five years ago, when you cheated on me, we were done then!” sabi niya habang mabilis na tinatanggal iyong hawak ko sa kanya.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Psalm! Ano bang kailangan kong sabihin para mapatawad mo ako?! Hindi ko naman sinasadya!”

“Joey, you’re not sorry you cheated on me! You’re sorry because I caught you kissing him!”

Napa-tigil ako.

Bumilis ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

He was looking at me, watching me cry. He didn’t move; he just stood there and watched me get myself broken over and over again. I knew I made a mistake, and I knew that I’d carry this guilt for as long as I live… But it hurt to see him watch me break and not do anything about it.

“Every night, I’d still think about what happened. I’d still think why you chose to cheat on me… That maybe because I was the problem, maybe because I didn’t do enough… That maybe I pushed you to cheat on me… but you know what? Even when you made things hard for me, even when I couldn’t understand you, I never once considered cheating. Because I loved you, Joey. I respected you enough not to do that.”

I stood there, crying as I listened to him. I wanted to beg for his forgiveness, but I knew he’d never give me that. I wrecked him. I hurt him. I knew there’s no returning after everything I made him go through.

“I don’t need your explanation. You don’t need my forgiveness. What you need is to find a reason to be able to live with yourself after everything that you did.”

I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t breathe.

Words I couldn’t quite resonate.

And when he left, I couldn’t run after him anymore… Because I felt like I didn’t deserve to run after him. I didn’t deserve to explain because he was right. I just wanted to explain because I couldn’t live with myself thinking that I cheated on him.

That I did something so horrible to someone who had been nothing but good to me.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na naka-tayo doon. Hindi ko alam kung kailan tumigil ang luha sa pagtulo mula sa mga mata ko.

Napa-tigil ako nang maramdaman ko ang panyo na dumadampi sa mukha ko. Marcus was in front of me, looking at me softly.

“I’m sorry, Joey. I’m sorry you’re hurting like this.”

But I stood up.

“Please… please stop talking to me, Marcus. I can’t look at you. I can’t be with you. Every time I’d see you, all you do is to remind me of the biggest mistake I did in my life,” sabi ko bago ako nagsimulang maglakad palayo sa kanya.

Chapter 58

#ABNQ58 Chapter 58

Six years ago…

“Hi?” I said as soon as I answered Psalm’s call. Today was a Sunday, and I was supposed to drive back to Manila para umuwi sa bahay, but I slept in. Literal na wala akong tulog buong linggo dahil sa dami ng exam. And as much as I wanted to go home to see my family, mas pinili ng katawan ko na matulog.

And that meant I also wouldn’t see Psalm today. I promised him na magde-date kami ngayon kasi after two weeks, ngayon lang ako naging free. Hindi madali sa akin iyong medschool dahil sa aming lahat sa section, ako lang talaga iyong kakaiba ang college background na pinanggalinhan. I had to hustle twice as hard para lang maka-sunod sa kanila.

“I’m sorry, kaka-gising ko lang…” sabi ko sa kanya. I was holding my phone with one hand, while getting bread from the cupboard. Sobrang gutom na gutom na ako dahil pagkatapos ng exam kahapon, literal na halos gumapang na ako pauwi dahil miss na miss ko na iyong kama ko. At pagdating ko sa unit, diretsong natulog na ako. Ni hindi na nga ako nakapaghilamos ng mukha sa sobrang pagod!

“How was the exam?” he asked.

Naupo ako, at saka nilagyan ng palaman iyong tinapay ko. I wasn’t in the mood for bread, but wala ng laman iyong cupboard ko dahil two weeks na akong hindi lumalabas bukod sa unit at school. I even asked both Psalm and my family not to visit me dahil mahahati iyong oras ko sa pag-aaral dahil syempre kailangan ko silang ientertain.

“It was… fine,” I said, trying not to sound too defeated. Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong mararamdaman ko pagkatapos ng exam. Nahati ako sa saya dahil sa wakas tapos na iyong exams, but at the same time, ang sakit lang na nag-aral naman ako pero ang dami ko pa ring hindi nasagutan. Siguro sa kalahati ng exam, ilang beses kong namura iyong sarili ko dahil bakit ang tanga ko? Bakit hindi ko alam iyong sagot?

“You want me to go there?”

“Hapon na…” sabi ko sabay tingin sa labas. Medyo madilim iyong langit. Siguro dahil gusto niya akong sabayan sa lungkot na nararamdaman ko dahil sa exams ko kahapon. “Tapos mukhang uulan pa.”

“I don’t care. Do you want me there? Because I’ll really go, Joey,” sabi niya na puno ng determinasyon.

I smiled because every time I’d talk to Psalm, I’d be reminded that life wasn’t all that bad. It couldn’t be that bad. I just needed to study more, to exert more effort para mas gumanda iyong grades ko.

“Baka ma-aksidente ka pa. Next weekend, didiretso agad ako pauwi. Cancelled iyong class ko ng Saturday dahil may seminar ’yung prof ko. Friday night uuwi na ako,” sabi ko habang naka-ngiti.

“But I miss you already.”

“I miss you, too, but ayokong mapagod ka kaka-drive,” I said. “Besides, ’di ba may presentation ka pa this Monday?”

“You remember?” sabi niya na nagtataka. Natawa ako. Minsan kasi kapag magkausap kami, sinasabayan ko ng basa sa libro ko or sa notes dahil pakiramdam ko, kulang na kulang iyong 24 hours sa isang araw sa dami ng inaaral ko. Psalm must’ve felt neglected dahil hati ang atensyon ko palagi.

“Of course I remember. Nakikinig naman ako kapag nagsasalita ka,” I said.

“Let’s FaceTime instead,” he said.

“I look horrible!” sabi ko. Hindi ko kasi sinagot iyong FaceTime call niya dahil ang pangit ko talaga ngayon. Dalawang linggo akong legit na walang tulog kaya mukha na akong eyebags na tinubuan ng tao! Plus lately, ni hindi na ako nakakapagkilay dahil sa sobrang busy! Tinutukso tuloy akong alien ng iba kong classmate kasi puro daw ako noo. Tss.

I heard him chuckle. “You know that doesn’t bother me.”

“So, sinasabi mo nga na pangit ako?!”

Mas lalo lang siyang humalakhak. Unti-unting gumaan iyong loob ko habang pinapakinggan ko siyang tumawa. Psalm’s keeping me grounded. I know that as long as he’s with me, there’s no storm that I wouldn’t be able to weather.

“No, of course not. What I meant was that I didn’t like you for your appearance. I like you, your mind, your attitude, the way you’re easily pissed off—all of that. So, please, answer the call, okay?”

And so Psalm was able to convince me to answer his FaceTime. Ilang minuto din kaming nag-usap habang napilitan akong magluto ng sinigang. I wasn’t really the best cook, but living alone forced me to learn things. I didn’t want to eat take-outs everyday because that would seriously drive me insane. Kaya naman napilitan akong matuto na magluto ng mga pagkain na namimiss ko kapag nasa bahay ako.

“That looks good,” sabi niya habang pinapakita ko sa kanya iyong final result ng niluto ko. “If you just let me come earlier, I would’ve been there by now.”

Tumayo ako habang isinasara iyong bintana. “And it’s raining right now. Mahirap pumunta dito kapag umuulan,” sabi ko. “Ipagluluto na lang kita kapag umuwi na ako next week, okay?”

“Fine. But wait for me. I’ll just get food,” sabi niya habang naglalakad siya papunta sa kusina nila. That night, we ate together kahit na via FaceTime lang. It’s crazy how we felt like an LDR couple kahit na ilang kilometro lang naman ang pagitan namin. But we’re both pursuing different paths… and that meant spaces between us.

---

“Okay ka pa ba?” Nikka asked me as we just finished our class in physio. Muntik na kasi akong mahulog sa hagdan dahil nagdadalawa na iyong paningin ko.

Tumango ako. “Yeah, okay lang ako.”

“Sigurado ka?” tanong niya ulit. “You look sick, Joey. Natutulog ka pa ba?”

Pinili ko na hindi sumagot. At most, dalawang oras lang ang tulog ko bawat gabi. Puro kape na rin ang dumadaloy sa ugat ko. I just couldn’t afford to sleep. Alam ko na marami akong kailangang habulin kung gusto kong magtagal dito…

And it didn’t help how my father’s widely known in this school. Ang taas ng expectation sa akin. Parang walang lugar para magkamali ako. Na parang kapag may nagawa akong hindi tama, automatic na iyon na magrereflect sa kanya. And it sucked.

“Okay lang ako,” I reiterated. Anatomy na iyong next class namin. Mas lalong sumakit iyong ulo ko dahil katabi ko roon si Marcus. “Daan lang akong caf.”

Pero hindi agad ako naka-lakad dahil hinawakan ni Nikka iyong braso ko. “Awat na sa kape, Joey. Magtubig ka muna,” sabi niya ngunit hindi ako sumagot. “I know, importante ang grades, pero importante din ang kalusugan, Joey. Mas lalong wala kang kwenta kung maoospital ka dahil nagpapakamatay ka sa pag-aaral.”

I smiled at her. I knew she meant well, but she’d never understand me. I didn’t hold it against Nikka, but her grades were excellent. And it didn’t look like she even tries…

Mabilis akong sumaglit sa cafeteria para bumili ng iced coffee. Habang naghihintay ako sa pila, parang may bigla akong naramdaman na dahilan upang mapa-tingin ako sa likod ko.

Agad na umawang ang labi ko nang makita ko si Marcus na naka-tingin sa akin.

“What?” tanong ko sa kanya. Nagkikita kami. Of course, nagkikita kami. The school certainly wasn’t big enough para hindi magtagpo ang landas namin… The only thing that changed was that now, I knew where the line was. We don’t talk about things other than school-related.

I knew where to stand… and so did he.

Akala ko ay magsasalita siya, pero umiling lang siya. Nang iabot sa akin iyong order ko, mabilis akong naglakad pabalik sa auditorium. I just didn’t like being around Marcus outside of class. I was already struggling with my studies; the last thing I wanted was to struggle with my relationship with Psalm, too.

I stood outside the auditorium habang inuubos ko iyong iced coffee ko. God knows that Nikka wouldn’t let me hear the end of it kapag nalaman niya na uminom na naman ako ng kape. But I needed the caffeine. Feeling ko ay makaka-tulog na lang ako bigla kapag hindi ako nagkape.

“Fuck. Talaga?!” sabi nung isa sa mga classmate ko na ’di ko alam ang pangalan. Ang dami naman kasi sa section namin kaya iyong mga classmate ko lang sa sub-section ang kilala ko.

The other girl nodded. “Narinig ko sa dean’s kanina. Sa bulletin daw ipopost ’yung grades nung exam.”

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba ito sa kape, o dahil sa kaba, pero nagsimulang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko… Pabilis nang pabilis… Hanggang sa nawalan ako ng malay.

---

My throat felt dry. I wanted to open my eyes, but my head felt like it was being pounded so hard.

“Joey.”

Biglang bumukas ang mga mata ko nang marinig ko ang boses na iyon.

“Nasan ako?” tanong ko habang pinipilit ang sarili ko na maupo. Ngunit hindi pa man ako nakakaupo ay napa-higa na ulit ako dahil sa pagkirot ng ulo ko. “What time is it?”

“5pm,” sabi niya.

“What?!” sigaw ko. “Iyong quiz!”

Ngunit mabilis akong tinulak pahiga ni Marcus. “Tapos na ’yung quiz.”

“Bakit hindi mo ko ginising?!”

In the middle of my hysteria, I noticed that Marcus wasn’t talking anymore. He was just looking at me… like he was disappointed.

“Tignan mo nga ’yung sarili mo. Nagkasakit ka na, pero quiz pa rin iniisip mo.”

“Easy for you to say dahil matalino ka. Well, news flash, hindi lahat ng tao kagaya mo,” I snapped at him. I tried to sit down, but I really couldn’t. I felt very nauseous. I felt like vomiting everything I ate, which was practically nothing.

“Gusto mong magdoctor, pero ’di mo kayang alagaan iyong sarili mo,” sagot niya sa akin. “Severely dehydrated ka daw sabi nung nurse. At acidic ka na rin yata dahil puro kape lang ang iniinom mo,” sabi niya na dahilan para mapaawang iyong labi ko. He’s watching me. Again. Kaya alam niya na kape lang ang pagkain ko buong araw. “Gusto mo bang mamatay ng maaga?”

“What?”

“Excessive intake of caffeine leads to higher risk of cardiovascular diseases. Baka mas mauna ka pang mamatay sa mga gagamutin mo,” sabi niya habang nanatiling seryoso ang mukha.

Hindi ako naka-sagot dahil sa mga sinasabi niya. I knew I was at fault; hindi ako kumakain. Pero kahit ano’ng pilit ko, hindi ko magawang kumain. I felt guilty if I’d eat without studying first… At kapag natapos na akong mag-aral, hinahatak na ako ng antok.

“Fine. I’ll east. Leave me alone,” sabi ko habang humiga patalikod sa kanya. Pinakinggan ko hanggang sa maka-alis na siya palabas. I thought he’d immediately leave me after I talked to him like that… But I still heard him talking to the nurse about me, asking kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.

Damn Marcus.

Nang sa wakas ay makaalis na siya, mabilis kong inalis iyong nakakabit sa kamay ko. I quietly gathered my things, and waited until the nurse was out of sight.

Tahimik akong naglalakad nang bigla kong maalala na ngayon iyong labas ng grade namin nung exam. Biglang nanginig ang buong sistema ko. Shit.

“Just get this over with…” I kept telling myself as I walked towards the bulletin board. Ayokong makita iyong grade ko… I knew I’d be depressed if I see my grades… But I also knew that I needed to see how much work I should put it para maka-pasa ako ngayong semester.

And there it was.

Ilang hakbang pa bago ko makita iyong mga grades. May ilang mga tao na umiiyak habang inaalo sila ng mga kaibigan nila. Mas lalo lamang lumalim iyong paghinga ko dahil sa kaba.

M170081

Physiology – 38%

Anatomy – 45%

Biochemistry – 39%

Hindi ko na matuloy iyong pagbabasa dahil nagsisimula ng lumabo ang mata ko. All I knew was that I began to walk as fast as I could—with my heart getting smashed as I realized that maybe my best still wasn’t enough.

That maybe I wasn’t meant to be here.

“Please answer…” I repeated as I sat there, crying, and waiting for Psalm to pick up the call. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nandoon, tahimik na umiiyak habang kinu-kwestyon ang sarili ko kung tama ba ang desisyon ko.

But he didn’t pick up.

“Here.” At iniangat ko ang tingin ko para makita si Marcus na naka-tingin sa akin habang iniaabot ang kanyang panyo. “Umiyak ka muna. Kapag tapos ka na, babawiin natin ’yung grades mo, okay?”

Chapter 59

#ABNQ59 Chapter 59

I couldn’t live with myself. Psalm was right. I just wanted to explain because I wanted to be able to justify to myself that what I did wasn’t completely wrong… That I wasn’t pure evil for being able to cheat. That I wasn’t a hypocrite for hating Steele when I thought he cheated on me… And that I did the same thing myself.

It was all for me.

It was all for self-preservation.

Halos hindi ako maka-labas sa kwarto ko pagkatapos ng mga nangyari. I just wanted to isolate myself and to wallow in my destructive thoughts. Natatakot din akong lumabas dahil alam ko na maraming naka-rinig sa sigawan namin ni Psalm…

I didn’t want to be judged for my mistakes… but I still did it anyway. Kahit alam kong mali.

“Get up,” sabi ni Mama. Hindi ako gumalaw. Kung pwede lang na dito na lang ako sa kama habang-buhay. “Jocelyn, bumangon ka na.”

I groaned. “Gusto ko pang matulog, Ma…”

“Ilang araw ka ng nandito sa kwarto. Alam mo ba kung ano’ng araw na?” Umiling ako. I lost track of time. I didn’t open my phone. I just… I just wanted to disappear for a while. To forget how horrible I was. “Makukuha mo na ’yung lisensya mo ngayon.”

I automatically opened my eyes. God. Ilang araw na ba akong nandito sa kwarto?

Naligo na ako at nag-ayos. I knew that I should get my license because I almost killed myself by studying, so I deserved every inch of that card. And I didn’t want to argue with my mother. She was already going through too much because of Jax. Ayoko na dumagdag pa ako sa sakit niya ng ulo.

Pagdating sa venue, maraming pamilyar na mukha… pero marami ding mga mata na nanghuhusga. Alam ko na alam na nila iyong nangyari… Of course, no secret can remain a secret forever… But I wished that maybe this could be the exception. Because I didn’t want to drag Psalm in the mess that I made. He didn’t do anything wrong—this was all my fault.

Tahimik lang ako buong ceremony. I just quietly wished that I could get my license and get this over with.

“Wala si Marcus?” tanong sa akin ni Mama.

“Ewan ko,” tahimik na sagot ko. Hindi alam ng pamilya ko ang nangyari… Ayoko rin na idamay sila. Because as much as I hated Marcus for what he did to me, I didn’t want to mess with his studies. Iba iyon sa problema naming dalawa.

My parents like him… I didn’t want to be the reason why that would change.

Mama seemed to have noticed that I wasn’t in the mood to talk kaya naman tahimik lang kaming dalawa hanggang sa matapos ang buong programa. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan ang nagtanong sa akin kung nasaan si Marcus. Hindi ko alam kung nananadya na lang ba sila dahil alam naman nila na ’di kami nag-uusap ni Marcus.

“Ma…” I groaned when I saw cars parked outside our house.

“What? We have to celebrate!”

“Nagcelebrate na tayo nung pumasa ako,” sabi ko. “And it doesn’t feel right to celebrate dahil sa sitwasyon ni Jax at Kitty.”

My mother shook her head. “Wala ka pang lisensya nun. At isa pa, palaging may dadating na problema, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t celebrate the victories,” sabi niya, at saka bumaba para pumasok sa bahay.

I stayed in the car for a few minutes. Nakita ko na iyong sasakyan ng mga kaibigan ko. I didn’t know what to do or what to say in front of them… I was afraid that they caught whiff of what happened during the thanksgiving of my school…

It hurt when strangers judge me for my mistakes… but I didn’t know what I’d feel if I see the disappointed looks in my friends’ face… God, that would devastate me.

Nang sa wakas ay naka-labas na ako ng sasakyan, para bang napako ang mga paa ko sa semento. Hindi ko magawang humakbang—mas nananaig sa akin ang kagustuhang tumakbo, magtago. I stood there, praying that I’d know what to do.

“Joey?” Hindi ako naka-galaw nang marinig ko ang boses ni Steele. “Hey… Akala ko late na ako,” sabi niya habang may dalang microwave. “Regalo ko sa ’yo,” sabi niya na natatawa.

I would’ve laughed if the situation was any different… but it was not. And I didn’t want to see Steele dahil alam ko na siya ang best friend ni Psalm. Alam ko na alam niya. Alam ko na galit din siya sa akin dahil sa mga ginawa ko.

“Okay ka lang?” tanong niya nang mapansin niya iyong ekspresyon sa mukha ko. He continued to stare at me, as if he was trying to know what was wrong with me… Pero ang daming mali sa akin. Ang dami kong mali.

Umiling ako. “No.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Uhh… Do you wanna go inside?”

“Tell me… Galit ba sa akin si Psalm?”

Umawang ang labi ni Steele nang marinig niya ang tanong ko. By then, alam ko na na alam niya kung ano ang nangyari sa aming dalawa. And I suddenly wanted to disappear because I didn’t have the pride to face him.

“Gusto mo ba ’yung totoong sagot?” tanong niya. “Of course he’s mad at you. You cheated on him. Sino ba’ng matutuwa doon?”

Hindi agad ako naka-galaw. Pakiramdam ko ay biglang nanghina ang mga tuhod ko kahit na alam ko na naman ang sagot sa tanong ko… Pero iba pa rin kapag narinig ko. Kapag ako mismo ang naka-rinig na galit sa akin si Psalm.

“If you knew that he was mad at me, bakit mo pa ginawa iyong nung kasal mo? Just to mock me? Just to guilt me further?” tanong ko sa kanya habang nagsisimulang manginig ang buong pagkatao ko.

I was losing it already just by talking to Steele. Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang mangyayari sa akin kapag kaharap ko na ang iba pa naming mga kaibigan. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng mukha pa ang ihaharap ko sa kanila pagkatapos na malaman nila kung ano ang dahilan kung bakit bigla na lang akong umiwas at hindi nagparamdam.

“Gusto ko lang mag-usap kayo,” sabi niya.

“Ayaw niya akong maka-usap.”

“Kailangan ka niyang maka-usap kung gusto niya talagang magmove on,” sabi niya na parang hindi ako nasasaktan sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. Kaswal na naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. “Bakit? Akala mo hindi magmu-move on si Psalm?”

Nagsimulang sumikip ang dibdib ko.

“Joey, Psalm may have loved you, pero may respeto sa sarili ’yung tao. Alam natin pareho iyong kwento ng magulang ni Psalm, so what made you even think na may chance pa na magbalikan kayo?” tanong niya habang diretsong naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. “Kaya ko ginawa iyon, kasi gusto ko lang na mag-usap kayo. Tanda na natin. ’Di pwede ’yung para kayong tangang dalawa na nagtataguan.”

Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha na nagbabadya pa lamang na tumulo. Pinilit kong pantayin ang hininga ko dahil alam ko na tama siya. Alam ko na pagkatapos ng ginawa ko, kahit ano’ng paghingi ko ng tawad, kahit na magmakaawa ako sa kanya, hinding-hindi niya ako mapapa-tawad.

Psalm would’ve forgiven me for anything… but cheating was one thing he’d never forgive.

“Masaya ba siya? Kay Kia?” tanong ko habang mabilis na inaagapan iyong mga luhang kumakawala.

Steele shrugged. “I don’t know… But one thing’s for sure, Kia’s loyal as hell,” sabi niya bago ako tinapik sa balikat ko at nagsimulang pumasok papunta sa loob.

Ilang segundo pa akong nanatili sa labas, pilit na kinu-kolekta ang sarili ko pagkatapos ng pag-uusap sa pagitan namin ni Steele. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong naka-tayo sa labas bago ko nagawang pumasok sa loob.

“Congrats!” sigaw nila habang may mga pekeng ngiti na naka-dikit sa kanilang mga mukha. I knew they all knew about Psalm and me. I wanted to vomit because of the guilt that I was feeling…

Nakita ko sina Anj na nasa isang gilid. They were all smiling at me, but I could also see the disappointment in their face. Kaya naman mabilis akong pumunta sa bar para kumuha ng dalawang bote ng Jose Cuervo.

“Game?” tanong ko habang may pekeng ngiti. Hindi sila sumagot. “Please? I badly need a drink.”

Kahit ayaw nila, napilitan silang sumunod sa akin sa garden. Doon ay naupo kami palibot sa isang bilog na lamesa. They were all looking at me like they wanted to ask me why… And I wanted to tell them why, but I couldn’t even find a decent explanation to explain why I did what I did.

It just happened.

At that time, it felt right.

But it felt so wrong after that.

“Dahan-dahan naman,” sabi ni Anj nang sunud-sunod akong uminom ng limang shot ng Cuervo.

Umiling ako habang uminom ng pang-anim. “No. I need this kung gusto niyong sagutin ko ang mga tanong niyo,” sabi ko. I was already starting to feel dizzy, but even that wasn’t enough to alleviate the guilt that was weighing me down.

“I cheated on Psalm.”

The disappointed look on their faces was enough to make me want to cry and beg for them to stop. I could barely handle strangers judging me, but I was almost losing it by seeing how disappointed my friends were of my actions.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry dahil hindi ako nagpakita sa inyo pagkatapos nun dahil… dahil wala akong mukhang ihaharap. Nahihiya ako sa inyo. Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa kayo titignan sa mata pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa ko…” sabi ko habang mabilis na sumiskip iyong dibdib ko.

Mabilis na pinunasan ko iyong luhang tumutulo. Kailangan kong tapusin ito ngayon. Kailangan kong sabihin sa kanila. Kailangan ko na ’tong ilabas mula sa dibdib ko.

“Iyong kay Marcus… Hindi ko sinasadya ’yun… Ayokong gumawa ng excuse kung bakit ko nagawa pero nagawa ko na… Nasaktan ko na si Psalm… I’m sorry…” sabi ko.

Halos hindi na ako maka-hinga. Panay lang ang pag-iyak ko. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang sarili ko. Gulung-gulo na ako. Nahihirapan na ako. Nasasaktan na ako. Hindi ko na alam iyong gagawin ko.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na umiyak. Ang alam ko lang, niyakap ako ng mga kaibigan ko. They didn’t say anything; they just told me that it was not their business, and that what happened was between me and Psalm…

But I still felt bad. I wanted them to take Psalm’s side. I wanted them to be with him. Kaya hindi ako nagpakita. Dahil alam ko na hindi ko deserve iyong pagiging kaibigan nila. Dahil alam ko na mas kailangan sila ni Psalm.

“I’m sorry. Nakaka-hiya ako.”

Anj wiped the tears off of my face. “Joey, I don’t approve of what you did, pero sino ba ang hindi nagkakamali? Tapos na, nagawa mo na, but the least you can do is to make it up to Psalm.”

Humihikbi pa rin ako. Hindi ako maka-hinga. “I already talked to him. Ayaw niya akong patawarin. Sabi niya, hinding-hindi niya ako mapapatawad.”

“All the more reason that you should work harder for his forgiveness. You’ll never be able to get over this hanggang hindi ka niya napapatawad,” Anj said.

Maya-maya pa ay iniwan niya kami. Naiwan ako kasama sina Matt, Simon, at Steele.

“I’m sorry,” sabi ko sa kanila. Pero hindi sila nagsalita… Instead, they just ruffled my hair.

---

Days passed and I still wasn’t feeling better. Nagsimula akong magtrabaho sa isang ospital habang iniisip ko kung ano pa ang pwede kong gawin sa buhay ko. Bawat araw, parang gumigising lang ako para magtrabaho… I’d volunteer to do things na dapat ay intern ang gumagawa… Gusto ko lang mapagod. Gusto ko lang na pag-uwi ko ay diretso akong matutulog para wala na akong oras pa para mag-isip.

“Doktora,” sabi sa akin nung isang nurse. “Pa-disemminate naman po nung listahan,” sabi niya habang binabasa ko iyong binigay niya sa akin. “Babalikan ko po mamaya o bukas. Pa-sign up na lang po sa mga interesado.”

My lips parted as I read the details of the volunteer program… ’ Maybe this was one way to alleviate my guilt. Maybe I should just dedicate my life to volunteering,’ I thought as I signed my name up.

Chapter 60

#ABNQ60 Chapter 60

Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pag-aayos ng mga damit ko nang bigla na lang bumukas iyong pinto. Agad na kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ko si Papa na naka-tingin sa akin. His expression was unreadable, yet somehow, I knew I was in trouble. Bihira lang iyong ganitong mukha ni Papa kaya naman kinabahan na talaga ako.

Ano na naman ang ginawa ko? Literal na kwarto-ospital na lang ang pinupuntahan ko ng ilang linggo na! Surely, I couldn’t have messed things up again!

“Pa?” tanong ko dahil ilang segundo siyang naka-tayo lang doon at hindi nagsasalita.

“Nagvolunteer ka?” tanong niya.

Umawang ang labi ko. Oh, that. Paano naka-rating sa kanya ’yun e sa ibang ospital naka-base si Papa? Pinili ko talaga na doon pumunta sa malayo sa kanya kasi pagod na pagod na ako na kinukumpara sa kanya. I mean, I get it, my dad’s brilliant, but stop comparing me. Iba ako sa kanya.

“Paano mo nalaman, Pa?” tanong ko na lang, at saka nagpatulog sa pagtitiklop ng mga damit. Sa isang araw pa naman iyong alis namin, pero gusto ko ng mag-ayos. I needed something to look forward to. I didn’t like being sad everyday. It’s already taking toll on my health. Malapit na raw akong mag-underweight based sa latest na check-up ko.

“Alam ba ’to ng Mama mo?”

Hindi ako naka-sagot. Hindi rin nagsalita si Papa. Basta ilang segundo ang lumipas, nagulat ako dahil nandoon na rin si Mama sa may pintuan ko.

“Kailan ang alis mo?” tanong ni Mama.

“Sa Friday po,” sagot ko.

“Di mo pipigilan?!” gulat na sabi ni Papa.

Instead, lumapit si Mama sa akin at tinulungan ako na mag-ayos ng mga damit ko. Papa looked bewildered… and so was I. I really thought that it was Papa who would be supportive and that I’d have to work on convincing my mom…

Really, life’s full of surprises.

“Mas mabuti na ’to,” sabi ni Mama. Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ni Papa. “Delikado ang sitwasyon ngayon dahil sa kaso na hinahawakan ni Jax. Mas mabuti na siguro na lumayo muna si Joey.”

Pagkatapos nun, nagtalo silang dalawa. Kinuha ko iyong earphones ko para hindi ko na sila marinig. Nagpatuloy lang ako sa pag-aayos hanggang sa finally ay magwalkout na si Papa. ’Di ko nga rin alam bakit pa siya nag-effort na makipagtalo kay Mama e lawyer ’yun. She makes a living by arguing with people.

The next morning, I went by my usual routine. Pumunta muna ako sa coffee shop para bumili ng kape. I limit myself to only one cup a day o baka tuluyan na akong mamatay talaga. Pagkatapos noon ay dumiretso na ako sa ospital.

“Dito daw magreresidency si Dr. Nicolas!” kinikilig na sabi nung isang nurse sa akin. Alam niya kasi na sa iisang school kami galing ni Marcus pati nasa iisang batch lang kami. Malabo na hindi kami magkakilala.

“Ah…” sabi ko. Mabuti na lang at hanggang Friday na lang ako dito. I really needed to get away from everything else. I couldn’t continue living like this because I felt like I’d just die one day from all the sadness I was carrying.

I quietly exited myself right after the conversation. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang balak ni Marcus sa residency niya. The last time we talked meaningfully was before the whole mistake. Pagkatapos nun… hindi na kami nag-usap.

I shadowed Dr. Cuesta sa pagra-rounds niya nang magulat ako na kasalubong ko si Marcus sa hallway. All the nurses’ eyes were on him. Ako, hindi ko malaman kung ano’ng pag-iwas ang gagawin ko.

“Dr. Yuchengco,” he said.

“Yes, Dr. Nicolas?” I asked formally. I didn’t want to talk to him, but I still respected him. Mas mataas ang posisyon niya sa akin dahil resident na siya habang nagmu-moonlighting lang ako dito. Ako na walang plano sa buhay. Ang gusto ko lang talaga ay gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.

“Do you have time? I’d like to discuss something,” sabi niya.

Tumingin ako kay Dr. Cuesta dahil gusto ko na sabihin niya na busy kami, pero pinayagan niya ako. Wala akong magawa kung hindi ang sumunod kay Marcus hanggang sa makarating kami sa dulo ng hall.

“Ano’ng sasabihin mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. Wala na akong lakas magalit. Pagod na pagod na lang ako sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko.

Ilang segundo siyang naka-tingin lang sa akin. Ilang segundo din akong naghihintay lang sa sasabihin niya. Naghintay ako dahil alam ko na pagkatapos nito, hindi ko na ulit siya makakausap… At least for a while. I didn’t plan on contacting anyone else other than my family and my closest friends habang nasa mission ako.

“May sasabihin ka ba talaga?” kalmado kong tanong nang hindi pa rin siya magsalita pagka-lipas ng ilang minuto.

Naka-tingin siya sa akin. Parang bigla niya na lang akong gustong hawakan, pero hindi niya ginawa dahil alam niyang hindi ako papayag.

“Hindi na kita kakausapin, hindi kita guguluhin, iiwas ako sa lalakaran mo… Hindi mo naman kailangang umalis, Joey,” puno ng pakiusap niyang sabi.

Napa-pikit ako. Why did everyone think that I was leaving for reasons other than my own? Hindi ako aalis dahil gusto kong umiwas. Aalis ako dahil kailangan ko. Dahil kailangan ko ’tong gawin. Dahil kailangan kong maniwala sa sarili ko ulit. I wasn’t going just to please somebody other than my self. Bakit ba ang hirap paniwalaan nun para sa ibang tao?

“Buo na ’yung desisyon ko,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Congratulations sa board exam. Congrats sa lahat ng mararating mo sa buhay. Masaya ako para sa ’yo, pero hanggang doon na lang ’yun.”

Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin siya kayang makita. Parang sinasakal ako tuwing nakikita ko si Marcus. Paulit-ulit na bumabalik sa akin iyong pangyayari nang makita kami ni Psalm.

And I hated that.

I hated that so much that I couldn’t bear being around Marcus. It was all too much. It was more than what I could handle.

“Joey naman—” sabi niya habang sinusundan ako.

“I’m not doing this for you or for anyone. I’m doing this for myself,” I told him.

“I’m sorry.”

Napa-hinto ako.

“I’m sorry kung sa tingin mo bigla kitang binitawan dati,” sabi niya. Pumikit ako, at huminga nang malalim. I didn’t want to hear this, but I knew that I needed to hear this. Ilang beses akong nagalit kay Psalm dahil ayaw niya akong bigyan ng pagkakataon na magpaliwanag, kaya bakit ko ipagkakait ang pagkakataon kay Marcus?

Why would I deprive him of something I badly wanted for myself?

“Para kasing hindi tama. Hindi tama na habulin kita dahil alam ko na nasasaktan ka dahil sa nangyari kay Psalm. Kapag ganon, ang pangit lang ng simula natin. Ayoko ng ganon. Hindi ganon iyong gusto ko para sa ’tin, Joey.”

I pressed my lips, and looked at him with my tired eyes. “Wala namang sa ’tin, Marcus. Wala noon, wala ngayon. Tanggapin na lang natin na wala talaga kahit kailan.”

Umiling siya. “Hindi. Ilang taon akong naghintay, Joey. Dahil gusto kong bigyan ka ng panahon, gusto ko na kapag humarap ulit ako sa ’yo, may ipagmamalaki na ako. Alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap sa akin na hindi ko kayang ipaglaban ka kasi alam ko na walang-wala ako? Na umaasa ako sa tatay mo? Ang liit-liit ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko wala pa rin akong karapatan sa ’yo.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin ko. Ilang taon na iyong lumipas; ang dami ng nangyari. Wala na akong magagawa pa sa mga paliwanag niya bukod sa pakinggan ito.

Iyon lang.

Hanggang doon na lang.

“I’m sorry… But maybe it’s time for you to realize that maybe it’s just not meant to happen.”

---

Marcus didn’t follow me. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano pa ang pwede kong sabihin sa kanya kung sinundan niya ako. Buong araw ay ginugol ko na lang sa pagta-trabaho. Kapag break ko ay doon ako tumatambay sa NICU dahil nakakalma ako kapag nakaka-kita ako ng babies.

The next few days rolled fast. I was so busy na hindi ko namalayan na aalis na ako mamaya. Nasabi ko na sa mga kaibigan ko na aalis ako. Ayoko rin naman kasi na isipin nila na bigla na lang akong mawawala.

“Nakausap mo na lahat?” tanong ni Anj. Pumunta siya dito para tulungan akong mag-ayos ng gamit kahit ayos naman na talaga iyong mga gamit ko. Konti lang naman iyong dadalhin ko dahil remote area iyong pupuntahan namin.

I nodded. “Yeah. I already said my goodbyes.”

Anj glared at me. “Goodbye ka d’yan. Isang taon lang naman ’yan, ’di ba?” tanong niya. Umoo na lang ako. My plan was still indefinite. Basta babalik lang ako kapag maayos na iyong pakiramdam ko. I knew I just needed to get away from everything else and just be with myself.

Babalik ako kapag ayos na ako.

Kapag kaya ko na.

“Saan ka nga ulit?”

“Bukidnon.”

“Talagang sa Mindanao, ha? Wala bang mga remote area dito sa Luzon? Talagang sa malayo pa iyong pinili mo,” sabi niya pero ngumiti na lang ako. I really chose to go somewhere far. I think it would be a nice change of environment.

“Naka-usap mo na si Psalm?”

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. Of course I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to explain myself hanggang sa maintindihan niya ako. But I couldn’t force him to understand if he didn’t want to listen. Ayokong pilitin siya dahil mas magagalit lang siya sa akin.

Umiling ako. “Di ko alam kung pano. And I doubt if he’d care.”

“Of course he’d care. Hindi naman magagalit iyon nang ganon kalala kung walang pakielam sa ’yo ’yun.”

Pero hindi pa rin ako sumagot. Hindi ko alam kung paano ang gagawin ko. Hindi na lang ako nagkumento sa sinabi ni Anj. Kinabukasan, naka-ready na lahat ng gamit ko. My parents wanted to drive me to the airport pero hindi ako pumayag. Baka umiyak lang si Papa tapos maiyak din ako. ’Wag na lang.

As I drove myself to the airport, hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko para makarating ako sa embassy. I parked outside for minutes, not knowing what to do. I berated myself because what was I even doing here? Ayaw niya akong makausap… but I was so persistent and desperate for his forgiveness that I knew I’d grovel if he asked me… basta mapatawad niya lang ako.

Ilang malalim na hininga ang hinugot ko bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na pumasok. Itinuro nila ako sa opisina ni Psalm. Halos manginig ang kamay ko habang pinipilit ko ang sarili ko na kumatok.

“Yes?” tanong niya habang ang mga mata ay naka-tutok pa rin sa mga papel na binabasa niya. I must’ve been frozen there for seconds kaya napilitan siyang ibaling ang atensyon sa akin. Kitang-kita ko ang pag-iba ng guhit ng mukha niya nang makita niya ako.

“Do you have time? This will be quick,” I said, holding my breath as I held onto his stares. My heart began to race inside my chest as I waited for him to talk. I would be gone for a year… Ayoko na pareho naming dalhin ito ng isa pang taon.

He nodded. Relief flooded through my system, but it was flashed as quickly. Mabilis iyong napalitan ng kaba. Akma kong isasara iyong pinto nang sabihin niya, “Leave it open.”

Pinilit kong ngumiti kahit na masyado kong ramdam iyong disgusto niya sa akin. I kept on reminding myself that I dug this grave that I was lying in.

Bahagya akong nanginginig habang naka-upo ako. Naka-tingin siya sa akin. Biglang naramdaman ko iyong lamig ng kwarto dahil na rin sa lamig ng pagtingin niya sa akin.

“I’m leaving,” I said. “For a year. I’m doing a medical mission.”

Wala akong narinig na tugon mula sa kanya. Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa isip niya. He was right in front of me, yet he still felt very far away.

“Gusto ko lang pumunta dito para humingi ng tawad. Walang excuse, walang rason, walang pagja-justify sa nangyari,” I said as I held on to his stares. “I’m sorry.”

Tahimik akong nagbibilang ng bawat segundong lumilipas habang binabalot kaming dalawa ng nakaka-binging katahimikan.

“Okay.”

Isang salita.

Iyon lang ang narinig ko sa kanya.

Pilit kong kinalma ang tibok ng puso ko kahit na nasasaktan ako na ganito lang ang sagot niya kahit pa sinabi ko sa kanya na aalis ako… Kahit na humingi na ako ng tawad… Na siguro kahit lumuhod ako at magmakaawa, hanggang dito lang talaga ang kaya niyang ibigay na sagot sa akin.

Pigil akong tumango, at tinignan siya. “Hindi mo talaga ako mapapatawad.”

“How can I? You made me believe that I was a paranoid piece of shit, but you just proved me right.”

Tinikom ko ang labi ko. Kahit ilang beses kong sabihin na hindi ko sinasadya iyong mga nangyari, hinding-hindi siya maniniwala sa akin.

“Maybe that’s the reason why you kept on asking me to just play basketball. Because you wanted me to stay where you left me… You wanted to find a reason to leave.”

Nagsisimula nang sumikip ang dibdib ko kaya tumayo na ako. Ayokong umiyak sa harap niya. Ayokong makita niya kung gaano niya ako nasasaktan sa bawat salita niya… O baka naman dapat niyang makita? Para naman malaman niya na sa bawat sakit na dinulot ko sa kanya, mas doble iyong nararamdaman ko.

“You’re here… Successful… Pero masaya ka ba?” I asked him before I closed the door behind me.

Chapter 61

#ABNQ61 Chapter 61

Five years ago…

Umiling ako. Nakita ko iyong pagkrus ng lungkot sa mga mata niya, pero mas pinili ko na ’wag iyong pansinin. I already messed things up before, and I didn’t want a rerun of that. I didn’t want to go through the same situation again. Alam ko na mas lalo lang akong hindi makakapagfocus sa pag-aaral ko kung palagi kong aalalahanin si Psalm.

“Joey—” he said, but I quickly cut him off.

“I can manage,” I said, wiping the tears off of my face. “I’ll… I’ll just study harder,” sabi ko habang tumatayo. Sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko. Hanggang ngayon, may malaking parte pa rin sa akin na hindi makapaniwala sa mga nakita ko kanina. Alam ko na ginawa ko lahat ng makakaya ko… But it sucked to know that my best wasn’t good enough.

Kulang.

Kulang na kulang pa.

“Joey, hindi ito ’yung oras para pairalin mo ’yung pride mo,” kalmado niyang sabi. Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Masyado pang magulo ang sistema ko dahil sa lahat ng mga nangyayari. “Sa takbo ng mga nangyayari, hindi ka makakapagsecond year.”

Biglang bumagal ang tibok ng puso ko. Sumikip ang dibdib ko. Nagsimula na namang lumabo ang paningin ko.

“Alam ko na ayaw ni Psalm na kausapin mo ako,” sabi niya habang diretsong naka-tingin sa akin. “Naiintindihan ko. Pero hindi tungkol sa kanya ’to.”

Ibinalik ko ang tingin niya.

“I don’t want to fight with him,” I said. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. Gusto ko lang na mag-aral. Gusto ko lang na makasama si Psalm ng hindi kami nag-aaway. Were those really too much to ask?

Marcus took a step forward.

I held my breath.

“This is about you. This is about your dreams, Joey. Sabi mo gusto mo ’to, pero bakit hindi mo ginagawa lahat ng paraan para makuha mo ’yung pangarap mo?”

My lips parted. I wanted to reason with him, to make him understand how I shouldn’t do this—how I shouldn’t even be considering doing this—but reason escaped me. Tanging si Psalm lang ang dahilan kung bakit ayokong tanggapin ang tulong niya.

But Psalm was reason enough.

Psalm put up with all my shit—ito lang ang tanging hiling niya sa akin, kaya bakit hindi ko pagbibigyan?

Kaya naman umiling ako. No matter how tempting his offer was, I knew what I should choose. It’s Psalm before, and it’s still Psalm now.

---

Weeks passed, and I was barely sleeping. I could feel my body slowly giving up. Ma-swerte na iyong dalawang oras na tulog ko kada gabi. Hindi ko sinasabi sa mga magulang ko o kahit sa mga kaklase ko kung ano ang nangyayari dahil alam ko na magagalit sila sa akin.

But it’s either this or I’ll fail.

Hindi ako kagaya nila na madaling maintindihan lahat ng concepts na tinuturo sa school—I needed to double my effort kung gusto kong tumagal, triple even. So, even if I felt like I was slowly killing myself in law school, even though I was starting to feel empty and hollow on the inside, I kept mum.

This was my choice.

Kailangan ko ’tong panindigan.

“Joey, nag-aalala na ko sa ’yo,” seryosong sabi ni Nikka.

Pilit akong ngumiti. “Ha? Bakit?” sabi ko sa kanya na nagmamaang-maangan. She already met my family. I was pretty sure my Dad gave her his number para ireport kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin dito. And I was certain na once na malaman ni Papa ang pinaggagagawa ko dito, agad niya akong papauwiin sa bahay.

“Sobrang payat mo na, ’di mo pansin? Tapos sobrang itim na ng eyebags mo,” she pointed out.

“Napuyat lang ako kagabi sa kakabasa ng trans,” I said. Mabilis akong tumayo. “Bili lang akong water sa caf,” I continued. I didn’t want to discuss this further dahil sa sarili ko nga mismo, hindi ko pinapansin kung gaano na ako nahihirapan. Ang lagi kong iniisip, kailangan ko ’tong gawin. Lahat para sa pangarap.

Pagdating ko sa cafeteria, nagkasalubong na naman kami ni Marcus. I simply smiled at him. Hindi ko siya pwedeng iwasan dahil seatmates kami at talagang araw-araw ko siyang nakaka-salubong… but that’s it.

Lalagpasan ko na sana siya nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko.

“Nakapagreview ka na ba?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, pero konti pa.”

“Gumawa ako ng reviewer. Gusto mo?” he offered.

I smiled. It was a generous offer, really. Katabi ko si Marcus kaya nakikita ko iyong notes niya, at palaging sobrang detailed at ayos nun. Ilang classmates na namin ang nagtangka na bilhin iyong notes ni Marcus, pero never siyang pumayag—which was weird dahil alam ko kailangan niya ng pera—but here he was, offering it to me.

“Sigurado ka?” nag-aalalang tanong niya.

Tumango ako. “Yeah, ayos lang ako.” Aalis na sana ako pero pansin ko pa rin iyong tingin niya sa akin. Na parang may gusto pa siyang sabihin pero hindi niya masabi-sabi. “May sasabihin ka ba?” I asked.

Ilang segundo pa siyang tumingin, ngunit walang sinasabi. Until he slowly shook his head. “Wala… Good luck sa pag-aaral,” sabi niya na tinanguan ko.

The next few days were me studying harder—if that was even possible. Gumawa na ako ng spreadsheet para mas ma-manage ko ang oras ko. Gumawa na rin ako ng table para alam ko kung gaanong grade ang kailangan kong habulin. I didn’t make it this fucking far para lang matanggal dito.

“Joey,” Psalm said. I allotted 30 minutes to talk to him. Alam ko na busy din siya kasi siya iyong ginawang head sa isang project nila. I was very thankful na pareho kaming busy kasi nababawasan iyong guilt ko na hindi ko na siya nakaka-usap nang madalas. I knew I’d been very neglectful lately, but there’s nothing I could do. I wanted to talk to him, so fucking much, pero mas madalas na sobrang sama ng loob ko. Ayoko na ibuhos sa kanya ’yun dahil mas mahihirapan siya. Alam ko na mahihirapan siya na makitang nahihirapan ako.

“Bakit?” tanong ko sa kanya. Nakita ko na nagbuntong-hininga siya. “Are you okay?”

“Bakit ba tinatanong niyo akong lahat niyan? Okay lang ako. Mukha ba akong hindi okay?” tanong ko na medyo tumaas ang boses. Pagod na pagod na akong tanungin kung ayos lang ba ako. Paulit-ulit na lang.

Psalm was taken aback by the tone of my voice. Hindi agad siya nakapagsalita. It seemed like he was measuring what he was gonna say next.

“I’m… I’m just worried,” he carefully said. “You don’t look well, Joey.”

“I am well,” matigas kong sabi. He looked frustrated. “Ngayon lang tayo nakapag-usap ngayong linggo, Psalm, ito ba talaga ang gusto mong pag-usapan?” tanong ko sa kanya.

He looked conflicted. Alam ko nas mas gusto niyang pag-usapan kung kamusta na ako, pero ayoko iyong pag-usapan. Kapag mas pinag-usapan, mas maalala ko. Kapag mas naalala ko, mas mahihirapan lang ako. Pakiramdam ko ay unti-unti na akong lumulubog. Na kung hindi ko papatayin ang sarili ko sa pag-aaral, hinding-hindi na ako makakaahon.

“Fine. Let’s talk about other things,” he said.

We talked about things other than what needed to be talked about. It felt like we were both walking on a tightrope. It wasn’t the most pleasant conversation we had. Ramdam na ramdam iyong gustong pag-usapan pero pilit na iniiwasan.

In the background, I felt like someone’s calling his name, but he was blatantly ignoring it. Hindi ko na rin sana papansinin, pero hindi ako nakatiis.

“Are you supposed to be somewhere?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, but that can wait.”

“Okay lang. Let’s just talk again next time. May babasahin pa rin ako,” sabi ko sa kanya. Psalm still looked conflicted. But I meant what I just said. Okay lang sa akin na busy siya. Ayoko na nasa akin masyado ang atensyon niya dahil mas mapapansin niya kung gaano ako ka-walang oras sa kanya. Wala na akong oras sa ibang bagay—I barely had enough time for myself.

Finally, he let out a sigh of defeat.

“I’ll call you again.”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

I thought he was gonna end the call, but he still was just looking at me—worry was plastered all over his face. We stared at each other for a few more seconds, barely saying anything.

“Just… take care of yourself, promise me.”

I smiled. “I will.”

The next few days, I studied even harder. Kilalang-kilala na ako ng librarian dahil halos doon na ako naka-tambay palagi. Nagdecide ako na doon na mag-aral dahil ayokong makita iyong kama ko. It was very tempting to just sleep and let my worries worry about themselves, but I wasn’t wired that way. I was a born worrier. I’d worry even if it kills me.

Finally, dumating na ulit iyong exam week. Naka-pila ako para kuhanin iyong exam permit ko. Nasaktuhan na magkasabay kaming pumila ni Marcus para doon.

“Okay ka na?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. Ikaw?” tanong ko. I looked at him, and he didn’t even seem stressed. Still the same old Marcus. Medschool seemed to be agreeing with him. Kilala siya ng mga professor namin dahil siya iyong pinaka-magaling sa class. Siya na nga rin iyong tinatawag na ‘class valedictorian’ ng mga classmate namin. It’s still early to tell, but I really wouldn’t be surprised. Marcus didn’t even seem to try, but he’s pulling it off.

He’s just good at this.

Really good.

“Hindi pa masyado,” sagot niya pero alam ko na hindi totoo iyon. I didn’t mean to know about his grades, but wow… Siya iyong nakakuha ng pinaka-mataas na grades sa lahat ng subjects namin. I knew he deserved every inch of it, but sometimes, I couldn’t help but wonder kung ano pa ba ang kulang sa ginagawa ko? I gave it my all, but still, I couldn’t make it.

I smiled. “You’ll do great,” sabi ko, at saka dumiretso para kuhanin iyong test permit ko. Pagkatapos ko doon ay dumiretso ako pabalik sa library. I continued to read and memorize. Ilang beses na akong pabalik-balik sa mga binabasa ko, but I couldn’t be too relaxed about anything. Baka kung ano pa iyong hindi ko masyadong pinansin ang lumabas sa exam.

And when it was finally time to take the exam, saglit akong dumaan sa chapel. I knew I needed divine intervention to get through this. But I knew I wanted this. So bad.

Ilang minuto akong nasa loob, nagdadasal. I wanted this so bad. I knew I did everything there is to do. Si Lord na ang bahala.

“You’ll do great.”

Napa-hinto ako nang makita ko si Marcus. Nandito din siya. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Dito nakasalalay lahat. Kung hindi pa rin aayos ang grades ko, hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ako pupulutin. Hindi ko alam kung paano pa ako magpapatuloy. I knew failing would devastate me, and I didn’t know how to come back from such disappointment.

The greatest disappointment of all is being disappointed with your own self. And I didn’t want to feel that.

“Thank you,” sabi ko. Ramdam ko na may gusto pa siyang sabihin, pero mas pinili niyang hindi na sabihin pa iyon. Sabay kaming naglakad papunta sa auditorium. Nang nandoon na kami, bigla akong napahinto. Parang biglang umikot iyong mundo ko. Pakiramdam ko ay nasusuka ako sa sobrang kaba.

“Mauna ka na,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil gusto ko munang pakalmahin ang sarili ko.

“Hihintayin kita,” sagot niya. Nakita ko na pumasok na iyong proctor ng exam. I urged him to go inside dahil magsisimula na iyong exam, pero ayaw niya akong iwanan. “Sabay tayong papasok. Kapag handa ka na.”

I looked at him, unable to name what I was feeling at the moment. I didn’t know what to make of anything anymore. I was just feeling everything, and it was suffocating. I didn’t know what to do.

“Why are you still so good to me?” I asked him. I had been nothing but hard on him. Nagagalit ako sa kanya kahit wala siyang ginagawa. Hindi ko siya pinapansin kahit ilang beses niya akong tinulungan. Na kahit ano ang gawin ko, nandyan siya. Palaging nandyan.

Ngumiti siya. Gusto kong iiwas ang tingin ko, pero hindi ko magawa. Na kahit paano ko sabihin sa sarili ko na itigil ay hindi ko magawa. It felt like gravity was pulling me towards him… And there’s nothing I could do against it.

“Alam mo kung bakit. Ayaw mo lang pansinin,” seryoso niyang sabi. Naka-tingin kami sa mata ng isa’t-isa, walang gustong bumitiw. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal sa ganoong posisyon. Napahinto lang kami nang may tumawag sa aming dalawa.

“Nagstart na ’yung finals!” sigaw sa amin ng isa naming kaklase. Dahil doon ay natauhan kaming pareho.

“T-tara na,” sabi ko.

Tinignan niya muna ako. “Okay ka na ba?”

Tumango ako. “Kailangan na nating mag-exam.”

“Sigurado ka? Okay ka na?”

“Yes. Okay na ako,” sabi ko. If I’d fail this exam, I wanna fail this by myself. Ayokong idamay si Marcus. Alam ko na hindi siya papasok sa loob hanggang alam niya na hindi ako okay. Kung alam niya na halos mamatay na ako sa kaba na nararamdaman ko.

Binuksan ko na iyong pinto. Papasok na sana ako nang bigla niyang hawakan iyong braso ko. Napa-lingon ako sa kanya, naka-tingin habang naghihintay ng salitang lalabas sa kanyang bibig.

“You’ll be a doctor, Joey. Just take a deep breath and answer the test. You prepared for this. Kaya mo ’yan,” sabi niya habang seryosong naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. Hindi siya bumitiw hanggang hindi niya nakikita na nakinig ako sa mga sinabi niya. Unti-unti akong tumango. Unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa labi niya. “That’s the Joey I know. Self-assured,” sabi niya bago kami sabay na pumasok sa auditorium.

---

They said it would take two weeks bago lumabas iyong grades namin. Tapos na iyong klase, pero wala akong maramdaman hanggang hindi ko pa nakikita iyong grades. Doon naka-base kung makaka-punta ako sa second year.

“I’m gonna die,” sabi ko.

“Relax,” Psalm said.

“I can’t relax! Paano ako kapag ’di ako pumasa? Ano’ng gagawin ko?” nagpapanic na sabi ko habang naglalakad pabalik-balik. Enrollment na ulit sa isang linggo. Hindi ko alam kung makakapag-enroll ba ako. Parang mamamatay na ako sa paghihintay. Ni hindi ako makakain o maka-tulog nang maayos. Tuwing matutulog ako, pati sa panaginip sinusundan ako ng grades ko! Palagi na lang akong nagigising na umiiyak dahil napanaginipan ko na bumagsak daw ako.

“But you’ll pass.”

“You don’t know that.”

Tumayo na rin si Psalm, at hinawakan ako sa balikat ko. He steadied me, and made me look at him. Suddenly, I felt sorry. I’d been on vacation, but still this didn’t feel like vacation to me. I was just constantly worrying. I was no fun. I’d never been fun ever since I entered medschool. I felt like I was just a ball of worry.

“I know that,” sabi niya. “I know that for the past months, I hadn’t been able to talk to my girlfriend much because she’s focused on studying. And that’s okay. I know it’s your dream, and I fully support you on that. You did your best, Joey. You’ll pass.”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nagsimulang magtubig iyong mga mata ko. My lips began to quiver. Fear began to envelope my system.

“But… But what if I fail?” I asked, scared of all the possibilities. Scared of what might happen. Because I knew that it wasn’t impossible. I was struggling. I barely made it to the end.

“You won’t,” he said like he knew it.

---

Psalm promised that he’d be with me kapag lumabas iyong grades ko. Ilang beses na kaming naupo sa harap ng laptop, pero laging fake news lang na lalabas iyong grades ko. It happened so often na nung sumunod na may nagbalita na lalabas na raw iyong grades ko, hindi ko na tinawagan pa si Psalm. I knew he was busy with his work, and I didn’t want to bother him anymore for nothing.

“You should go,” sabi ko kay Psalm.

“But—”

Umiling ako. “Go. For two weeks lang naman ’yan.”

He sighed. “You only have two months of vacation. And two weeks already passed. I can’t lose two weeks.”

Natawa ako sa kanya. “But everyone in your family is going. Hindi pwede na maiwan ka dito,” I said, but he was about to butt in, but I stopped him. “I promise you’ll have all my attention for a month bago magsimula iyong class.”

He sighed again. Alam ko naman na gusto niyang palaging magkasama kami ngayong bakasyon. Sa buong first year ko sa medschool, sobrang bihira na kaming nagkita. I knew that before I started medschool, we promised that we’d always make time for each other, but life happens. It’s either he’s really busy, or I was really busy. It’s just hard to find a common time para magkita kaming dalawa. We just tried really hard para kahit sa telepono man lang ay magkausap kami.

And so Psalm left for Spain with his family. I contented myself with watching TV series that I missed while I was busy burying myself in school books. Nasa gitna ako ng panonood ng Gray’s Anatomy nang magnotify iyong iMessage mula kay Nikka na sinasabi na lumabas na iyong grades.

Mabilis na lumabas iyong tibok ng puso ko. Ramdam ko iyong biglang panlalamig ng mga daliri ko.

“Shit,” I kept on uttering. I began to pace back and forth, trying to calm myself, but to no avail. Sinubukan kong tawagan si Psalm, but he wasn’t picking up. I tried to busy myself with other things, but my head was swirling with all the possibilities. My future was dependent on my grades. God, I felt like puking my guts out.

“W-why are you here?” tanong ko nang makita ko si Marcus. Nasa labas ako ng bahay, tahimik na nakaupo sa gilid. I wanted to clear my head. I just didn’t want to think about my grades for one more second dahil pakiramdam ko ay ikamamatay ko na talaga iyon.

“Lumabas na ’yung grades,” sabi niya. He was still riding that bike of his. Suot niya na naman iyong stud sa tenga niya.

Tumango ako. “Yeah.”

Naupo siya sa tabi ko. “Nakita mo na?” Umiling ako. “Tignan mo na,” sabi niya.

“Ayoko.”

“Paano mo malalaman kung ’di mo titignan?”

“Ayoko.”

He sighed. Hindi na siya nagsalita pa. Nanatili lang siyang nakaupo sa tabi ko.

“Nasaan si Psalm?” basag niya sa katahimikan pagkatapos ng ilang minuto na walang salita na nanggaling mula sa akin.

“Spain,” simpleng sagot ko. I wasn’t blaming Psalm. He’s been very patient with me through everything. I wouldn’t deprive him of the opportunity to be with his family.

“Kailan siya babalik?”

“Two weeks.”

Tumango siya. “Two weeks ka pang mamomroblema,” sabi niya.

“It’s okay. I promised him na sabay naming titignan iyong grades ko,” sabi ko. Two weeks. Mamamatay na talaga ako nun. I’d wake up everyday, haunted by my fucking grades.

Itinuwid niya iyong binti niya. Medyo pumuti na si Marcus. ’Di na kasi siya nakababad palagi sa araw gaya nung nasa SCA pa siya at nagsu-swimming. Pansin ko na lagi lang din siyang nasa library. Nakikita ko siya palagi sa pinaka-gilid.

“Ayokong pangunahan iyong desisyon mo,” bigla niyang sabi kaya naman kinabahan ako. “Pero in two weeks na iyong removal exam—” sabi niya pero agad siyang natigilan nang makita niya kung paano bumagsak ang mukha ko sa sinabi niya.

“Shit,” mahina kong bulong sa sarili ko. Parang nagsimulang umikot iyong paningin ko. Pakiramdam ko ay masusuka na naman ako. Tumayo ako, at nagsimulang magpanic. “Shit. Babagsak ako. Ano’ng gagawin ko?”

Pilit kong kinalma iyong sarili ko, pero hindi ko magawa. Tumayo na rin si Marcus, at pinigilan ako sa pagpapaikot-ikot ko.

“Hindi ko sinasabi na babagsak ka,” sabi niya.

“But it’s a possibility,” I said.

“Yes… Pero posible din na pasado ka,” sabi niya sa paraan na parang gusto niyang ipa-intindi sa akin. “Gusto ko lang sabihin sa ’yo para alam mo iyong gagawin mo. Hindi pwede na sa isang linggo mo pa titignan iyong grades mo, Joey. Kung… kung nagkataon na iba ang nangyari, kailangan mong mag-aral para sa removals.”

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko.

“Hindi ako maka-hinga,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Pinisil niya iyong balikat ko. “Relax ka lang. ’Wag kang magpanic.”

“Hindi ko kaya! Para na akong mamamatay! Pakiramdam ko, medschool na talaga ang papatay sa akin!” sabi ko habang nagsisimulang tumulo iyong mga luha ko. “Mamamatay na ako!”

I was panicking. My entire system was in full panic. Hindi na alam ni Marcus ang gagawin niya sa akin. I tried to call Psalm, but he wasn’t picking up. Alam ko na sinabi niya sa akin na may event siyang pupuntahan at baka hindi kami makapag-usap. I told him it was okay, but apparently, I wasn’t okay! I needed him now! I felt like my life was in the brink right now!

Hindi ko na alam ang ginagawa ko. Nagulat na lang ako nang nasa harap ko na si Marcus. He was riding his bike.

“Ikot tayo,” sabi niya. Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. “Dito lang sa village niyo,” pagpapatuloy niya. “Para kumalma ka.”

I looked at my phone again. Still, no anything from Psalm.

“Fine,” I replied, and tucked my phone inside my pocket. I wanted to talk to Psalm as soon as maging mabasa niya iyong mga texts ko.

Nagsimulang magbike si Marcus habang naka-sakay ako sa likod. Walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa. Tahimik kong tinatanggap iyong hangin na marahang humahampas sa mukha ko.

“Nakita mo na ’yung grades mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. “Nevermind. Sure naman na pasado ka.”

Marcus just kept on pedaling. “Ayoko pa sanang tignan. Pinilit ako ni Mama.”

I nodded, and then hold on to the back of his shirt. “Galit pa rin ba ’yung Mama mo? Sa ’kin?” tanong ko. I knew I left Marcus in a very compromising situation dahil sa ginawa ko, but there was no regret on my part. Marcus was meant to become a doctor—he’s meant for greater things in life. If that meant that I had to play the part of the villain in front of his mom, then so be it.

“Medyo, pero hindi na siguro. Nagluto pa nga siya ng pansit kanina.”

I smiled. I was dead worried about my grades, but I was honestly happy for Marcus. He’s just brilliant.

“Sana kasing talino mo na lang ako,” wala sa sarili kong sabi.

“Matalino ka rin naman,” sabi niya.

“Not enough. My parents are both very smart—pati si Jax sobrang talino. I feel very lacking.”

Patuloy pa rin siya sa pagpipidal. “Alam mo, discontent starts from comparison. ’Di naman lahat pare-pareho. ’Yung meron ka, wala sila. ’Yung wala ka, meron sila. Ganon talaga. ’Di pwede na meron lahat.”

I shrugged. “Alam ko… pero alam mo ’yun? I wish I were smarter… Then I wouldn’t have to try this hard…”

Ilang minuto pa kaming naglibot sa village. Halos nag-aagaw na iyong liwanag at dilim nang huminto siya. Wala pa rin iyong sasakyan ng mga magulang ko kaya alam ko na wala pa rin sila sa bahay. Si Jax, hindi ko alam dahil ’di na halos umuuwi iyon.

Nagpakawala ako ng buntong hininga.

“I need to see this,” sabi ko habang nilalabas iyong phone ko para pumunta sa portal ng school.

“Akala ko hihintayin mo si Psalm?” tanong niya.

“You were right. I can’t wait for two more weeks. There’s a possibility na bagsak ako, and I need to brace myself for it.” Halos manlambot ang tuhod ko habang nagloload iyong page. Literal na umiikot na iyong paningin ko. “You do it,” sabi ko habang inaabot ko iyong phone ko sa kanya. I couldn’t bring myself to hit the grades tab.

“Sigurado ka?” tanong niya.

Tumango ako. “Just… just tell me if I failed.” Kinuha niya iyong cellphone mula sa akin. Tahimik akong naka-tingin sa mga mata niya habang naghihintay ng reaksyon. “What? Ano? Bagsak ba talaga?” sunud-sunod na tanong ko pagkatapos niyang makita iyong grades ko.

Ngunit wala akong nakuhang sagot mula kay Marcus. Bigla niya lamang akong hinila at kinulong sa bisig niya.

Chapter 62

#ABNQ62 Chapter 62

I didn’t expect him to run after me—I didn’t expect him to listen to anything that I’d say. Because I knew that as far as he’s concerned, I was nothing in his life.

I was just a part of his past… something he badly wanted to forget.

And I understood that… I didn’t want to accept it, but I understood. I understood that what I did was unforgivable. Alam ko na kahit ano ang gawin ko ay hinding-hindi niya ako mapapatawad.

“I’m happy,” I heard him say before the door shut behind me.

Agad akong natigilan. I heard footsteps. My heart began to tumble inside my chest.

“I’m happy,” he said like he was trying to convince himself.

I turned and looked at him. I tried to put on a brave face, but I knew that it was all for nothing. He could see right through me… I wished that he could see how unbearable everything was for me now.

How that single mistake changed my life in the cruelest way.

“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you for cheating on me before things got too serious.” Unti-unting umawang iyong labi ko. Nagsimulang lumuha iyong mga mata ko sa reyalisasyon sa gusto niyang sabihin.

“You wanna know why I was so busy when I was in Madrid? Because I was talking to everyone in the family, telling everyone about you. I wanted to introduce you… because you know? I really thought it was you, Joey. I thought you were the one for me.”

Ang bigat.

Ang hirap.

“I even fought with Saint because he wanted to get the ring for Mary. I was so fucking pissed at him because he got the ring… But thinking about it now? I was glad that I didn’t get it. You don’t deserve anything from me.”

I looked at him. I looked at how red his eyes were. I looked at the hurt that was in his eyes.

“I was about to propose—to assure you that no matter how busy you get in school or I get in work, at the end of the day, I’d still be here for you… But what did I get?” he asked, letting out a dry laugh. “You. Kissing him.”

I was lost for words. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. Hindi ko alam na iyon ang mga nangyari. He never told me about this. Ang alam ko lang, binisita niya ako pagbalik niya galing Spain…

“To answer your question, I am happy. Thank you for showing your true color,” he said before he started to walk back away from me.

“I’m sorry,” I said. He didn’t stop, but I knew he could hear me. “I’m sorry for everything… I’ll do my best to stay away from you… If that will make you happy,” I continued. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall.

“All I ever wanted was your happiness,” I said before I ran away.

Dali-dali akong lumabas habang naka-hawak sa dibdib ko. Even looking at him hurt me so bad. Alam ko na kahit gaano pang katagal ang panahon na lumipas, kahit mapatawad man niya ako, hinding-hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko.

This mistake… this would haunt me forever.

There’s nowhere to escape.

I’d forever carry this guilt inside me… slowly eating me inside until there’s nothing left.

I stopped for a while.

I stopped to cry.

My heart felt heavy—everything felt heavy. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong maramdaman. Hindi ko na alam kung sino ang dapat kong sisihin, kung ano pa’ng klaseng panghihinayang ang dapat kong maramdaman.

I cried. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. And when I finally calmed down, tahimik akong nagdrive papuntang airport. I kept on telling myself that this was what I needed to do. I needed to do something good so that I could tell myself that I wasn’t totally a bad person… That I was just a person who made bad decisions.

That I wasn’t beyond saving.

Pagdating ko sa airport, pumasok na agad ako. Alam ko na masyado pa akong maaga para sa flight ko, pero naisip ko na mas mabuti na dito na lang muna ako. I couldn’t even stay at home because I knew that it would just be harder kapag nakita ko si Papa. He hated all those years na nasa Cavite ako, and now that I finally graduated, I chose to go somewhere further.

Nag-ikut-ikot ako sa paligid pagkatapos kong magcheck-in. I knew I should eat, but I didn’t really have the appetite for it. I ended up going in a bookstore to find something to read. Tahimik akong namimili ng librong bibilhin nang biglang may tumawag sa pangalan ko. Agad akong napa-pikit nang makilala ko kung kaninong boses iyon nanggagaling.

“Marcus,” I said. There he was, standing in front of me. He was looking at me, his face saying nothing at all. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya nandito… Fuck, I knew why he was here, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Why was he making things harder for me? Hindi pa ba niya alam kung gaano ako nahihirapan? Na kahit ilang taon na iyong nakalipas, hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako matahimik dahil sa nangyari?

“Sasama ako.”

Umiling ako. “No.”

“Sasama ako.”

Huminga ako nang malalim, at saka siya tinignan nang mabuti. “Bakit ka sasama? ’Di ba simula na ng residency mo? Hindi ka ba nag-iisip?”

His face remained the same—he seemed steadfast with his stupid decision to come with me. Bakit siya sasama sa akin? I was going away to get away from him—from everything that was causing me nothing but pain and self-doubt. Bakit ba hindi nila ako pabayaan? Bakit ba hindi nila ako intindihin?

“Nagsabi na ako sa kanila. Ayokong pumunta ka doon mag-isa,” sabi niya na tila pinapaintindi sa akin ang dahilan niya kung bakit siya sasama.

Marahas akong umiling. “I don’t need you here; I don’t need you there. Bakit ba kasi hindi mo na lang ako tigilan? Ang daming iba d’yan, Marcus! Bakit ba ayaw mo akong tantanan? It’s been years! Hindi ka ba napapagod?!”

I saw him fisting his knuckles. “Ikaw ’yung gusto ko. Ikaw ’yung pangarap ko. Ang hirap mong bitawan, Joey,” sabi niya sa malungkot niyang boses. Pero hindi na ako tanga; hindi na ako kagaya ng dati na magpapadala sa mga matatamis niyang salita. Tama na ’yung naniwala ako dati. Tama na ’yung pinaasa niya ako… at biglang binitawan.

“No. You already did it before. Surely, you can do it again now,” I told him, staring into his eyes, wishing that he’d see in mine how badly I wanted him gone from my life. How seeing him was bringing me nothing but agony. I wanted him to see that.

“Joey, sinabi ko naman sa ’yo na—”

“Na iniwan mo ako sa ere noon kasi nahihiya ka kay Papa dahil siya iyong tumutulong sa ’yo sa pag-aaral? Na pakiramdam mo umaabuso ka na kung magiging tayo?” I said, cutting him off. “I heard your explanation, Marcus, but that doesn’t change the fact that you left me. Iniwan mo ako. Iniwan mo ako sa problema na ginawa nating dalawa,” seryosong sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya, nagmamakaawa na intindihin niya ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko.

Hindi siya gumalaw. Nanatili siyang naka-tayo at naka-tingin sa akin. Kinuha ko iyong oportunidad para ipaliwanag sa kanya kung bakit hindi pwede, kung bakit hindi dapat… At kung bakit hinding-hindi ako papayag na maging kaming dalawa.

“You said you couldn’t be with me because you feel indebted to my father… Now listen to me because I am telling you that I’ll never be with you because looking at you reminds me of the thing that’s killing me! We made a mistake! I cheated on Psalm because of you! I can’t be with you! Intindihin mo naman ako!”

Umiling siya. “Joey—”

Nagsimulang tumulo iyong luha sa mga mata ko. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Parang unti-unti na akong tinatakasan ng bait dahil sa lahat ng dinadala ko.

“No. Marcus, I can’t

be with you. I don’t want to be with you. Seeing you will remind me of what I did. Ayokong mabuhay ng ganon,“ I begged him.

He didn’t say a word. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko para pakinggan niya ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong sabihin para maniwala siya sa sinasabi ko na kahit ano pa ang mangyari, hindi magiging kami.

Umiling siya.

“Ten years, Joey. Ten years na kitang mahal… Hindi pa ba sapat ’yun? Kulang pa ba?”

Ayokong tumingin sa kanya. Ayokong tumingin habang unti-unting nagtutubig iyong mga mata niya. Ayokong muling magpadala sa mga salita niya, sa mga tingin niya.

“Alam ko mali ako. Mali ako sa ginawa ko. Galit ka sa ’kin. Pero ano’ng gagawin ko kung ikaw lang talaga ’yung gusto ko?”

Umiling ako. “Maraming iba—”

“Alam ko, pero ikaw pa rin ’yung gusto ko.”

“I don’t want to be with you,” I said.

Ngumiti siya habang mabilis na pinunasan iyong luha sa kanyang mga mata. “Alam ko. Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi. Kabisado ko na. Pero ano’ng magagawa ko? Kahit nasa tabi mo lang ako, masaya na ako. Iyon lang, Joey. ’Wag mo namang ipagkait sa ’kin.”

Napapikit ako sa frustration na nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng klaseng salita o paliwanag ang dapat kong gawin para tuluyan niya akong intindihin.

“Hindi kita guguluhin doon. Gusto ko lang na nakikita kita. Gusto ko lang na alam kong ligtas ka,” sabi niya.

“Marcus, you’re throwing your life away from me! Hindi lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng opportunity na binibigay sa ’yo! Bakit hindi mo makita ’yun? Bakit ka nandito? Bakit mo sinasayang ’yung lahat ng ’yun?”

Muli siyang umiling. “But I never wanted all of that, Joey… Gusto ko lang sumaya. Gusto lang kita. Bakit ayaw mo rin akong pakinggan? Bakit pinipilit mo akong pakinggan ka, pero ayaw mong makinig sa akin?”

“Kasi mali! Kasi hindi dapat!”

“Sino’ng nagsabi?” balik niya sa akin.

“Marcus, you know this is wrong!”

He shook his head. “Alam mo kung ano ’yung mali? ’Yung ayaw mong patawarin ’yung sarili mo. ’Yung ayaw mong patahimikin ’yung sarili mo. Yes, you made a mistake, but you already paid for it, Joey! Ano pa ba ang kailangan mong gawin? For years, I watched you suffer because of that mistake! Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit sa ’kin ’yun? Alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap ’yun? Na alam ko na kasalanan ko, pero wala akong magawa dahil ni hindi mo ako magawang tignan?”

I pressed my lips. “No. It’s still a no, Marcus. I don’t want to be with you,” sabi ko, at mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. Wala akong pakielam kung pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao—wala akong pakielam sa mga naka-tingin sa akin habang sunud-sunod ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

I just wanted to get away from Marcus—from everything.

“Go back, Marcus. Finish your residency. Save lives. Kung gusto mo akong maging masaya, iyon ang gawin mo!”

He was still following me. “Paano naman ’yung sa akin? Paano naman ’yung kasiyahan ko?”

“Go find it somewhere else!” I shouted, but still kept on following me. I was losing hope that he’d leave me alone. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. He seemed determined to follow me to the end of the world.

I was so close to begging him… To just please leave me…

But we both halted when we saw Psalm.

And he was holding a ticket, too.

Chapter 63

#ABNQ63 Chapter 63

My eyes were glued at him. Hindi ako maka-galaw. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. A part of me was convinced that this was my mind playing a trick on me—that I was just imagining Psalm standing in front of me… But I wasn’t dreaming. He really was here.

“I want to talk,” he said.

“Okay,” I answered. My eyes were still on him, afraid to blink because of the possibility that he might just disappear. Ang tagal kong pinangarap na makausap siya… Na makausap siya ng walang galit sa mga mata niya. I didn’t think it was possible until now. Until it was finally happening.

I started to walk towards him, but Marcus held my hand. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.

“Let go,” I said.

“Joey,” he pleaded.

I looked at him as I peeled his hold on me. “Let go,” I repeated. I gritted my teeth as I looked at him. “Give it up,” I continued as I finally managed to get his grip off me.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin ko kay Psalm. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Nanatili lang akong naka-tingin sa kanya, hindi alam ang gagawin o sasabihin. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay kung gaano ako kasaya na nandito siya sa harap ko… Na gusto niya akong kausapin… Na gusto niya akong pakinggan…

That’s all I ever really wanted.

“W-where do you want to talk?” I asked him. Nakita ko na kay Marcus siya naka-tingin. I couldn’t read his eyes—I couldn’t say what he was feeling. It was all a blur now compared to before. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang nararamdaman niya o kung ano ang iniisip niya—he’s like a stranger right now.

“Iwanan mo muna kami, please,” nagmamakaawa na sabi ko kay Marcus. Tahimik akong nanalangin na sana ay pakinggan niya ako. Sana ay iwanan niya kaming dalawa ni Psalm para mag-usap. “Please, Marcus,” dagdag ko nang hindi pa rin siya gumagalaw sa kinatatayuan niya.

I was praying, still praying that he’d give me this, when finally, he started walking away. Wala siyang sinabi; tahimik lamang niya kaming iniwang dalawa. Nanatili pa rin ang mga mata ni Psalm sa kanya na para bang binibilang niya ang bawat hakbang palayo ni Marcus. Nanatili pa rin ang mga mata ko sa kanya na para bang natatakot ako na baka bigla na lamang siyang mawala.

We both have our fears that we could never really get rid off, that much I finally understood. That there are just some things that we could never really conquer. And that’s fine. That makes us humans.

It felt like hours. It felt like hours as I waited for him to say something, just anything. Tahimik akong naka-tingin sa kanya. The airport was busy with all the people walking, but my attention was only on him. I was waiting for the smallest movement from him.

“Why?” he asked. My lips parted. “Why did you do that, Joey?”

The tone of his voice was throwing me off. His stares were causing me searing pain in my chest. I knew the answer to his question, but I didn’t know the right words… Natatakot ako na baka magkamali ako. Na baka maling mga salita ang mapili ko.

Natatakot ako na masaktan ko siyang muli.

God, if only I could take his pain away, I would. Kung pwede lang na ako na lang ang masaktan, aakuin ko lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ni Psalm… But I knew I couldn’t do that. The best that I could do was to not cause him any more hurt. And that was what I was trying to do, trying to choose the right words, so that I wouldn’t hurt him anymore.

“I…” I trailed. I was still stumbling to find the right words. “I don’t know how to answer without hurting you again.”

His eyes were on me. I wanted to come near him and touch his face like I used to do before. But I knew I couldn’t do that anymore. He’s already got someone else in his life… And I wished that she wouldn’t do the same mistake that I did.

“You already hurt me before. I just want to know the truth.”

There it was again, that harrowing feeling inside my chest.

Tumango ako. I braced myself as I began to answer his question. That in the middle of this busy airport, my heart was slowly shattering yet again.

“I liked him,” I told him. “You were right. A part of me had liked him. I kept on telling you that you were wrong, but I was just doing that because I couldn’t admit it to myself. That I was with you, yet I liked him,” I said, and let out a dry laugh. “God, I was so fucked up, right?”

Seconds slowly passed. I stood in front of him, completely frozen and waiting for anything from him.

“Why didn’t you just break up with me? Why did you have to do that?” tanong niya.

Muli akong huminga nang malamin. I didn’t know how much more of this truth I could take. I felt like my chest was just about of explode into bits. I felt like I was about to be gone with the wind.

“Because I loved you,” I said as I stared in his eyes. My chest tightened so bad that I could barely breathe, but I knew I had to say this. “I know I did something really bad… I know that I made you question my love for you… But Psalm, I really did love you. Kaya ako nahihirapan nang ganito… Kasi sobrang minahal kita… Hindi ko matanggap na nagawa ko ’yun sa taong sobrang mahal ko… Because if I managed to do that to you? To the person I loved so much? What does that say about what kind of person I am?”

Tears began to fall. I didn’t even bother to wipe them. I just wanted to let everything out—to tell him what I felt. To give him what really happened. To just give him the unadulterated truth.

“You should’ve just broken up with me,” he said.

I shook my head. “I can’t do that.”

“You want him.”

“Not as much as I want you,” I said.

Silence enveloped us once again. I knew he would never believe me, but that’s my truth. Na kahit ilang beses akong papiliin sa kanilang dalawa, isang tao lang ang paulit-ulit kong pipiliin.

“You kept on saying loved, Joey,” he said like he was trying to reason with me.

“Because I don’t feel worthy to just love you. I feel like I should just stay where I belong—in your past,” I said as tears continued to cascade down my cheek. I stared at him with such longing. For years, I dreamt about him… About this… But this hurt more than any dream I ever had. This was breaking me.

“Are you happy with her?” I asked.

Hindi siya agad sumagot. Nanatili ang mga mata niyang naka-tingin sa akin. Gusto kong tumigil sa pagluha, pero hindi ko magawa. I felt like finally, all the pain inside me was coming out. That finally, the pain I was holding on to was pouring.

“She loves me,” he answered.

Pilit akong ngumiti. “What’s not to love?” I asked as I wiped the tears from my face. This hurt. This hurt too much. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ’to ginagawa. I hated the thought of him being with someone else. I wanted him to be happy… but I wanted him to be happy with me…

But that would never happen.

He could never be happy with me.

Kaya naman pilit kong pinunasan lahat ng luha na bumabagsak mula sa aking mga mata. Pinilit kong ngumiti kahit na halos mabiyak na ang puso ko sa dalawa.

“S-sige,” sabi ko habang patuloy na pinipigilan ang mga luha sa mata ko. “T-tinatawag na ’yung flight ko,” pagsisinungaling ko dahil hindi ko na alam kung gaano katagal ko pa makakayanan na tumayo at magpanggap na masaya sa harapan niya.

“You’re still lying,” he said.

My shoulders were badly shaking. I knew I needed to get away from him before I breakdown. And I couldn’t do that to him. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me—or to feel responsible for every single thing that was causing me pain.

This was on me.

This was all on me.

Pilit akong ngumiti. “Tinatawag na talaga ’yung flight ko,” sabi ko sa kanya. “N-nasabi ko na ba sa ’yo na nagvolunteer ako sa Bukidnon?”

He nodded, and then showed me the ticket he was holding. The words were blurry because of the tears in my eyes. I couldn’t read what was on the ticket.

“I’m on the same flight, and I didn’t hear the flight being called,” he said.

My lips parted.

My heart flipped.

“Joey, I’m gonna ask you one thing, and I need you to be honest with me,” he said. He took a step forward, and my heart just jumped out of my chest. “Do you still like him?”

I stared at him, with my tear stricken face, and shook my head.

“No,” I answered. “I liked him, but I never loved him. I know that. Please believe me.”

Tumango siya.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay,” he repeated like he was finally hearing the words that I was saying. Na kahit hindi man maging kami muli, hinding-hindi rin magiging kami ni Marcus. There was just too much mistake that I couldn’t live with. Too much pain that I couldn’t even erase from my mind.

Nagsimula na namang magtuluy-tuloy ang luha mula sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong isipin. Natatakot ako sa mga ideya na pumapasok sa isip ko dahil natatakot akong masaktan. Natatakot akong umasa.

“Aren’t you with Kia?” I asked.

“I broke up with her.”

“Y-you broke up with her?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong.

He nodded. “When you asked me if I’m happy, that was when I realized that I’m not happy. I’m not happy with her. I’m not happy with my life. I’m not happy with anything, Joey. I feel empty.”

Nasasaktan ako sa nakikita ko. I could now see the pain in his eyes, the hurt in his soul.

“I just got that job to impress your parents.”

“Psalm, you know you didn’t have to do that,” I said.

“I know, but I did that anyway because I was insecure.”

“You were about to become a doctor, Joey… I felt like I needed to do something with my life to be able to measure with you,” he said.

“Psalm, you were already too much for me. Bakit mo naisip ’yan?”

Ngumiti siya. “I don’t know. All I knew was that I should be something more—anything more for you. Because you deserve the best, you know? I just wanted to be the best for you.”

Gusto kong lumapit sa kanya, pero hindi ko magawa. Patuloy pa rin akong natatakot. Natatakot na lumapit dahil baka panaginip lang pala ang lahat.

Pero hindi ko na kailangang gawin iyon dahil siya na mismo ang lumapit sa akin. He cupped me face and caressed my cheeks.

“I loved you then, and I still love you now…” he said as he intently looked me in the eyes. Like I was the only one he could see. Like I was the only one that mattered. “Will you runaway with me?” he asked.

Chapter 64

#ABNQ64 Chapter 64

Five years ago…

My heart was heavy. Iniisip ko pa lang na maaalis ako sa medschool, sumasakit na ang puso ko. I knew I gave it my best shot… At kung matanggal man ako dito, wala akong magiging pagsisisi dahil binigay ko lahat ng makakaya ko.

Totoo nga siguro iyong sinasabi nila. That just because you want it doesn’t mean you’ll get it. Life doesn’t work that way—never did and never will. You just have to make your peace with it.

“Hey,” Psalm said when he finally called me. My tears were all dried up. Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak kanina hanggang sa wala ng lumabas na luha. I never knew that crying could be that tiring… that it could bring you so down that you’d start wondering if this was what rock bottom was.

“Hey…” sabi ko habang pilit na pinasigla ang boses ko.

“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly. I knew I couldn’t hide it from him, and it’s not like I didn’t want to. Psalm had always been there right from the start. Even when we weren’t together, he was always there. Siguro kaya ang tagal din naming naging magkaibigan bago naging kami. Because I feel comfortable around him. No pretentions, no nothing. With him around, I can be just Joey. And he likes me for me. I didn’t need to pretend to be someone else.

“Not really.” I took a deep breath. “I failed.”

Silence engulfed us. I knew he didn’t know the right words to say, and I understood it. If I were in his place, I wouldn’t know what to say either. Kasi ano ba ang dapat sabihin sa mga taong bumagsak kahit ginawa naman nila lahat ng makakaya nila? May mga salita ba talagang makakaalis nung sakit? Nung self-doubt?

Silence was the best choice. Silence was comforting.

“I’ll take the remedial exam in two weeks,” I said when he didn’t say a word.

“I’ll go home tomorrow,” he said.

“No, no,” I quickly said. This was one of the reasons why I hesitated to tell him because I knew that he’d want to go home. I wanted him here, but I also knew that his family needed him, too. ’Di naman sa akin lang umiikot iyong mundo niya. “You’re doing some work there din, ’di ba? Finish all your commitments. I promise, malungkot lang ako but I’ll get better. Medyo tanggap ko rin naman na dati pa…”

I heard him sighing. “Don’t say that.”

“Alam ko naman talaga. You see me struggling. Maybe this is not really for me.”

There was another sigh again. I bet if he were here, I’d see him running his fingers across his broccoli hair. Napa-ngiti ako. Damn. I miss this guy so much. I miss seeing him every morning. Palagi niya kasi akong dinadalhan ng pagkain simula nung bakasyon ako. It felt like he made it his personal mission na patabain ulit ako kasi sabi niya sobrang payat ko na raw ever since I started school.

“What’s wrong with struggling? Doesn’t that mean that you want it so bad that you do everything to make it happen?” he asked. “You make it sound like trying is a bad thing.”

Hindi ako naka-sagot.

“Joey, there’s nothing wrong with working your ass off for something that you badly wanted. You wanna know what’s wrong? Giving up without even trying. That’s what’s wrong.”

I bit my lower lip. “I miss you.”

“I’m going home.”

Umiling ako. “No. You stay there. I’ll study here. Pagbalik mo, okay na ako,” I said. I knew Psalm would protest, but I continued to convince him to stay there. Alam ko na importante iyong dahilan kung bakit siya pumunta doon. He kept on talking about that for weeks. I needed to hold the fort on my own.

The next few days, I practically stayed in the library. Thankfully, pwede pa rin akong pumasok sa SCA kaya naman doon ako nagstay sa medschool library. And I was minding my own business when I felt like someone was staring at me.

“Ibibigay ko lang ’to.”

Napa-tingin ako sa dami ng hawak niyang mga papel sa braso niya. “Ano ’yan?” tanong ko. I was tired of being awful to Marcus who really did nothing wrong to me. I figured I should start acting civil towards him—not friendly, just civil. I still wouldn’t want Psalm’s feeling to get hurt.

“Reviewer ko, mga old exam, mga items na lumabas sa mga dating removals,” sabi niya habang isa-isang ibinababa iyong mga papel sa harap ko. No one’s around since it was vacation. Halos kami lang at iyong librarian ang tao dito.

“San mo nakuha ’yan?” I asked, a little intrigued kung bakit ang dami niyang materials.

He just shrugged. “Hindi ko sigurado kung lalabas lahat, pero mas okay kung aaralin mo,” sabi niya tapos ngumiti. Nanatili siyang naka-tingin sa akin.

I arched my brow. “May sasabihin ka?”

Umiling siya habang ngumingiti. “Aral kang mabuti,” sabi niya bago nagsimulang maglakad paalis. Nanatili akong naka-tingin, pinapanood hanggang sa makaalis siya sa library. I was just quietly staring at his retreating back until I realized that I hadn’t thanked him…

---

Kinalabit na ako nung librarian para sabihin na magsasara na iyong library. Mabilis kong inayos iyong mga gamit ko sa loob ng bag. Hawak ko sa mga braso ko iyong ibang review materials na bigay ni Marcus dahil hindi sila kasya sa bag ko.

As I was walking outside, mabilis na kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ko si Marcus na nasa isang tabi. Nagulat siya nang makita niya ako.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I asked because there’s no one in the campus because it’s freaking vacation. Dapat nga ay nasa bahay lang din si Marcus dahil gaya ko, halos ’di na rin siya nakauwi nung nagsimula iyong school year.

Hindi siya sumagot.

“You know, you gotta stop doing this,” I said in the most sincere way I could muster. I just wanted him to stop making this weird between us. Sinusubukan ko naman na maging kaibigan siya, pero papaano ko gagawin ’yun kung ganito siya palagi sa akin? Kung palaging ganito iyong pinapakita niya?

Without words, he’s saying so much.

And that much I wouldn’t give to him.

Pilit siyang ngumiti. “Uuwi ka na ba?”

Tumango ako. “Umuwi ka na rin,” I said. “Delikado na kaya. ’Di mo ba nababalitaan mga nangyayari around campus?” I asked as I began to walk again. I could see him eyeing the papers I was holding kaya mas hinigpitan ko iyong hawak.

“Delikado nga,” sabi niya habang sabay kaming naglalakad. “Kaya hinintay kita.”

Napaawang ang labi ko sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko doon kaya naman mas pinili ko na ’wag na lang sumagot. Tahimik kaming naglakad hanggang sa makarating kami sa parking.

“Hatid na kita,” sabi ko nang makita ko iyong bike niya.

Umiling siya. “Malapit lang naman.”

“Bilis na,” I urged. It was really dangerous around this area lately. And as much as I didn’t appreciate him making things awkward yet again, ayoko rin naman siyang mapahamak kasi in the first place, ako naman iyong hinintay niya.

Thankfully, tinanggap niya na iyong alok ko. Nilagay namin sa likod iyong bike niya habang tahimik akong nagdrive papunta sa kanya.

“Alam mo kung san ’yung samin?” manghang tanong niya nang diretso akong nagdrive papunta sa kanila.

I just nodded. “Nakapunta na ako dito dati.”

“Ah… Nung kinausap mo si Mama?”

I rolled my eyes. “Pwede ’wag mong ipaalala? Nahihiya pa rin ako kapag naaalala ko,” I said.

He laughed. Just a little. “Hindi na galit sa ’yo si Mama.”

Silence covered the air again. Tahimik lang kaming dalawa hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay nila. Hinihintay ko lang siyang bumaba, pero hindi niya ginawa iyon agad.

“Joey,” tawag niya sa akin na bumasag sa katahimikan.

“Yeah?” I answered as my hands were still gripping on the steering wheel. Today was tiring. My eyes were very tired from studying. I just wanted a goodnight sleep before I begin another harrowing day.

“Good night,” sabi niya bago may iabot sa akin, at lumabas ng sasakyan. Sinubukan ko siyang tawagin pero diretso lang siyang pumasok sa bahay nila. I looked at what’s on my hand, and saw a recorder. Napa-pikit at napa-sandal na lang ako.

---

Pagbalik ko sa bahay, kumain lang ako ng kaunti. I talked to Psalm for a while before I went to bed. I wanted to sleep, my eyes were closing on their own, but my mind wouldn’t let me rest. I kept on thinking about the recorder that Marcus gave me. Ilang beses din akong paikot-ikot sa kama nang sa wakas ay tumayo na ako para kuhanin iyon.

I grabbed the recorder from the table, and then went back to bed. Inabot ko iyong earphones ko.

I plugged the earphones in my ear, and clicked play. I heard a coughing. “Joey,” rinig kong sabi. “Uh… alam ko sasabihin mo na sobra na ’to, pero gusto lang talaga kitang makita na maging doktor. Marami sa mga kaklase natin ’yung magagaling, pero alam mo kung ano ’yung wala sila? ’Yung kagustuhan na maging doktor talaga. Oo, mahalaga na matalino ka, pero mas mahalaga para sa akin ’yung gusto mo talaga iyong ginagawa mo. Kasi ’di ba mas okay kung may pakielam ka sa pasyente mo kaysa ’yung nandito ka lang kasi kaya mo?

“Ah… basta. Ito lang ’yung natapos ko ngayon. Bukas ko ibibigay ’yung sa ibang subject. Tanggapin mo na lang, okay? Kahit ’wag mo na akong pansinin kahit kailan, basta pakinggan mo ’yung naka-lagay dito. Gusto kong maging doktor, pero mas gusto kong maging doktor ka.”

I closed my eyes, and let out a heavy sigh.

Shit.

“Chapter One on Human Anatomy,” he began, and then continued to discuss the concepts.

---

The next day, I woke up with a heavy heart. I didn’t like what was happening—I hated every inch of it. Pagdating ko pa lang sa school, agad kong nakita si Marcus doon.

“Hi,” he greeted. “Napakinggan mo na?” tanong niya tapos may iniabot sa aking bagong recorder.

“Marcus…” I said. I couldn’t even continue what I was supposed to say because I couldn’t find the right words. I appreciated what he was doing, but we both knew he shouldn’t do it.

“Nandito ’yung hanggang last ng Anatomy, tapos nasimulan ko ’yung sa Physiology,” he said, ignoring the tone of my voice. Pilit siyang ngumiti. “Joey, pag pumasa ka, hindi na kita kakausapin sa school. Pangako ’yan.”

I continued to look in his eyes. “You’re making me the bad guy here.”

He smiled. “Not really. This is my choice.”

“Maraming may crush sa ’yo sa school,” I said.

“Di ko sila gusto.”

“I have Psalm.”

“Just pass, Joey. Pagkatapos nun, ako na mismo ang pupunta sa Dean’s office para masigurado na ’di na tayo magiging magka-klase ulit.”

I sighed again. “Bakit mo ba ’to ginagawa?”

He smiled. “Because I know how badly you want this.”

Kinuha ko iyong recorder bago pumunta sa loob ng library. I tried to study, but my mind kept on wandering back to him. Pangatlong beses ko na siyang sinisilip sa labas nang mapagdesisyunan ko na tuluyan nang lumabas.

“May kailangan ka? May ’di ka naiintindihan?” tanong niya nang makita ako.

Tinignan ko siyang mabuti. “Turuan mo na lang ako, okay? But please stop being weird. Stop this,” I said and then motioned between us. Hindi siya sumagot. Naupo ako sa tabi niya tapos sinimulan niya akong turuan. Tahimik lang akong nakikinig sa kanya habang pinapaliwanag niya iyong mga concepts sa physio.

“Try mong magteacher,” I said while we were eating lunch. He’s really good at teaching. He simplifies the concept kaya kahit sobrang complicated niya as a theory, ginagawan niya ng paraan para mas concrete iyong example.

“Pwede—” sabi niya nang mapunta iyong mata ko sa phone ko dahil nakita ko iyong pangalan ni Psalm. I didn’t know but I immediately felt sorry for Marcus.

Agad akong tumayo. “I’ll just take this,” sabi ko bago ako umalis.

Pumunta ako sa lugar na sigurado akong ’di ako maririnig ni Marcus.

“Hey,” I said upon accepting the call. “Tapos na sa meeting?” I asked.

“Yeah. Dinner later with the fam,” he said. “Have you eaten your lunch yet?” he asked.

Napa-tingin ako sa likod ko. Marcus was eating his lunch. He looked so downtrodden. Napa-buntong-hininga ako. “Yeah… But I’m with Marcus.”

I told Psalm about this. I told him that Marcus gave me the recorder. I didn’t want to keep anything from him because that was what broke us up before. I just wanted to be honest with him because I wouldn’t expect anything less from him.

“At school?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah… But may soccer team yata dito ngayon? Nagpa-practice,” I said, trying to keep the conversation light even though I knew that this wasn’t exactly Psalm’s favorite topic.

There was silence from his end for a while. “All right,” he said after seconds of uninvited silence. “Review well, okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah… See you in a few days, okay?”

When we ended the call, bumalik na ako sa lamesa. Tapos na sa lunch niya si Marcus. I hated how he just smiled upon seeing me. It was so fake.

“Biochemistry naman tayo,” sabi niya lang.

---

The next few days, we continued our routine of studying. Nakakausap ko pa rin si Psalm. Sinasabi ko pa rin sa kanya iyong ginagawa ko araw-araw dahil ayoko lang na iba iyong isipin niya. We were just studying. Out in the open. Nasa harap kami ng field para wala talagang kung anuman.

“Ang sakit na ng ulo ko. Information overload!” I said after we were finally done with all the subjects. Napag-aralan ko naman na lahat iyon dati, pero parang enlightened na tao na ako dahil sa pagtuturo ni Marcus.

“Sige, bukas na ulit,” sabi niya. Tanghali pa lang ngayon.

“Seryoso? Okay lang kahit bukas pa?” tanong ko kasi siya iyong mahigpit. May timetable pa nga kaming sinusunod para sure na mapag-aaralan namin lahat ng topic, e.

He nodded. “Birthday ng kapatid ko. Maghahanda pa ko sa bahay.”

I suddenly felt guilty. I had been hogging all his time. I knew he volunteered, but still.

Kaya naman binilisan kong kumain. Nang umalis si Marcus, dumiretso ako sa mall. Bumili ako ng regalo sa kapatid niya. Masama pa rin ang loob ko sa kapatid niya dahil hinampas ako ng walis dati, but I figured it’s her birthday and her brother has been so nice to me… so maybe that’s water under the bridge.

Pagdating ko sa bahay nila Marcus, wala pang tao. I knocked, but no one’s answering. The door was open kaya pumasok na ako.

Napa-hinto agad ako dahil nakita ko si Marcus na nagluluto. Pinigilan kong matawa dahil naka-apron pa siya. And when he turned, namula siya.

“Seriously, is there anything you can’t do?” I asked. “Si Marcus Isaiah Nicolas. ChemEng student. Student Council President. Member ng swimming team… Ngayon, cook ka na rin?”

Napa-kamot siya sa batok. “Umalis si Mama bigla, e. Ako na raw magluto ng spaghetti.”

I looked around. “San spaghetti sa niluluto mo?” Ni walang sibuyang or bawang. I mean, ’di ako expert sa pagluluto, pero alam ko naman ’yung basic. Laging nagluluto sila Manang ng spaghetti sa bahay. Comfort food ni Jax ’yun lalo na kapag nababaliw sa mga inaaral niya.

“Di ko alam. Walang Internet dito. Wala na akong load kaya ’di ko ma-search online,” sabi niya na parang wala ng pag-asa.

I whipped my phone out, and searched for the ingredients. Sinabi ko sa kanya iyong mga ingredients, pero wala iyong iba doon kaya dumiretso muna kami sa grocery para mamili.

“Sa spaghetti din ba ’yan?” nagtataka na tanong niya nung may ilagay ako sa cart.

Umiling ako. “Dessert.”

“Pang-spaghetti lang budget ko,” sabi niya na kinakabahan.

“Ako na magbabayad nito,” I said as I continued to get other stuff. Inunahan ko talaga siyang magbayad sa counter kasi alam ko na pipilitin niyang bayaran iyong mga kinuha ko. Ayoko na bawasan niya iyong ipon niya para sa ’kin.

Pagbalik namin sa bahay nila, nagstart na kaming magluto ng spaghetti. Nag-iyakan kaming dalawa dahil sa sibuyas. ’Di ko namalayan iyong oras dahil nagulat ako na madilim na sa labas at nandun na naman iyong maldita niyang kapatid na si Marian.

“Bakit ka nandito?” mataray na tanong ni Marian habang naka-taas ang kilay.

“Marian…” sabi ni Marcus. “Si Joey ang nagluto ng handa mo.”

Umirap si Marian. “Baka may lason.” Aba! Napaka-maldita talaga!

“Oh,” I said, shoving my gift to her. “Happy birthday,” I dryly said. I got her a whole set of makeup from Mac pati brushes dahil nakita ko na may makeup kit siya na nasa sala kanina. Ubos na halos lahat nung laman nun. Ubos na ’yung laman ng lip tint niya. Makeup enthusiast pala ’tong maldita na ’to.

Nanlaki iyong mga mata niya. “S-sakin ’to?”

I nodded. “Happy birthday,” ulit ko.

Nagulat ako ng bigla niya akong yakapin. “Thank you, Ate!” sabi niya habang naka-yakap nang mahigpit sa akin. “Thank you talaga!” Niyakap ko pabalik si Marian. Nakita ko na naka-ngiti si Marcus habang naka-tingin sa aming dalawa.

Dumating na iyong mga kaibigan ni Marian kaya nasa labas na kami ni Marcus. Kumakain kami nung spaghetti pati graham cake na ginawa namin. It was a starry night kaya naka-titig ako sa langit.

“Thank you,” sabi niya.

“Ha? Para san?”

“Sa spaghetti. Sa regalo mo kay Marian.”

I smiled. “Wala ’yun. Walang-wala sa ginagawa mo para sa ’kin.”

Ngumiti lang siya. Hindi na kami nag-usap ulit dahil pareho lang kaming naka-tingin sa langit.

---

When the exam day came, I kept on listening to calming music. I knew I did my best. Ito na talaga iyon.

“Are you sure? Ihahatid na kita doon,” sabi ni Papa na mukhang lutang na lutang pa dahil kakagaling lang sa 48-hours na operation.

“Wag na, Pa. Matulog ka na lang,” sabi ko sa kanya. I also talked to Psalm who cheered me up. I promised him na magde-date agad kami pagdating niya bukas. Kaya naman alam ko na dapat ko talagang galingan ngayon para wala na akong iniisip pa bukas.

Pagdating ko sa school, maraming tao. Maraming umiiyak.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I asked Marcus.

“Hintayin kita,” sabi niya tapos napa-tingin din sa paligid. Ang dami talagang umiiyak! Mas lalo akong nate-tense. “Wag kang kabahan. Alam mo naman lahat ng concept. Relax ka lang para masagutan mo nang maayos lahat,” he reminded.

We stayed outside for a while bago tawagin iyong mga magreremovals. Marcus was smiling at me hanggang sa maka-pasok ako sa loob.

---

After the exam, lumabas ako. It was weird because I was feeling confident. Nasagutan ko lahat. Wala akong na-skip na part dahil alam ko iyong mga sagot… This felt definitely weird.

“Congrats!” Marcus said upon seeing me. Naghintay siya sa labas ng auditorium kung saan ginanap iyong removals. He was holding a cup of coffee. “Decaf,” sabi niya. Nasabi ko kasi sa kanya na ’di ako nagkakape ngayong bakasyon dahil baka atakihin na ako sa puso.

“Tapos na…” I whispered. “Shit, tapos na talaga…”

He ruffled my hair. “Gutom ka na ba?”

I shook my head. “Kinakabahan ako.”

“Kain muna tayo bago hintayin iyong result.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “What?! Ngayon?!”

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. “Yeah… ’Di mo ba alam?”

Napa-pikit agad ako. Shit. Akala ko naman may ilang araw pa ako bago malaman. Pero baka mas ayos na na alam ko na ngayon? Para at least tapos na? Para kung hindi man talaga para sa akin ’to, alam ko na kung ano ang susunod kong gagawin…

“Kumain ka muna,” sabi ni Marcus dahil hindi ko ginagalaw iyong pagkain ko. I just kept on playing with the food. Hindi ako sumagot.

“Siguro magbu-business na lang ako…” I said.

“Papasa ka.”

“O kaya masteral? Pero pagod na akong mag-aral.”

“Papasa ka.”

“Pwede naman na magbackpacking muna ako… Pangarap ko ring magtravel…”

Natigilan ako nang biglang ipasok ni Marcus iyong tinapay sa bibig ko.

“Papasa ka. Stop worrying,” sabi niya habang nasa bibig ko pa rin iyong tinapay. Nagulat din ata siya sa ginawa niya kaya sunod ay inabutan niya ako ng tubig.

Pagkatapos naming kumain—or him force-feeding me—bumalik na kami sa harap ng Dean’s Office dahil doon daw ipopost iyong grades. Automated kasi iyong checking kaya mabilis lang talaga iyon. Kulang na lang magrosaryo ako sa sobrang paghihintay.

“San ka pupunta?” tanong niya nang tumayo ako.

“Sa garden. Text mo na lang sa ’kin kung magiging business woman na ba ako…” I said. Akmang pipigilan niya ako, pero umiling ako. “I can’t take the pressure right now. Gusto kong maglakad.”

Hindi niya na ako pinigilan. Dumiretso ako sa garden. Nanatili lang akong naka-upo doon, naka-tingin sa kawalan. Hindi ko na alam. Bahala na. Kung hindi para sa akin ’to, maybe there were other things I could do…

This wasn’t the end of life.

I could still make something out of myself.

“Hey…” sabi ko nang makita kong tinatawagan ako ni Psalm. I immediately answered it because I knew I needed to hear his voice to calm myself down. “Are you packed?”

“Yeah. On my way to the airport,” sabi niya. “Your exams done?”

I sighed. “Yeah… Dito ako sa garden sa school, hinihintay ko iyong results… But ayoko na pag-usapan. Date me bukas, please?”

“Of course. I’ll see you very soon, okay?” sabi niya. I could feel myself relaxing just by the sound of his voice. Gusto ko na talaga siyang makita. After this, I promise to dedicate the remaining of my vacation to Psalm hanggang sa magsawa siya sa mukha ko.

Pagbaba ko ng tawag niya, nagulat ako dahil nasa harap ko na si Marcus.

“Ano ’to?” tanong ko nang may iabot siyang papel sa akin.

“Recommended books for second year.”

Nahigit ko iyong hininga ko. Sumikip iyong dibdib ko.

“W-wait… A-ano’ng sinasabi mo?” tanong ko habang nagsisimulang magtubig iyong mga mata ko. Unti-unting sumilay iyong ngiti sa mukha niya.

“Congrats, Joey,” sabi niya.

Mabilis na tumulo iyong mga luha sa mata ko. “T-totoo?”

He nodded. “Una pangalan mo sa list. Highest nakuha mo.”

I cried. I kept on crying. My shoulders were shaking so badly. I ran to hug Marcus. I felt him stiffening as I wrapped my arms around him.

“Thank you…” I said as I rested my head against his chest. I kept on sobbing. This felt surreal. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Tumingala ako sa kanya. “Thank you…” I said as I stared into his eyes. “This wouldn’t have happened without you…”

Umawang ang labi niya.

“Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for never giving up…” I continued. My tears fell. I smiled at him. I was so happy that my heart felt like bursting. I couldn’t contain my tears. I couldn’t contain my smile.

“Thank—”

Hindi natapos ang sasabihin ko nang bigla niyang ikulong ang mukha ko ng mga kamay niya. I felt his lips on mine. And before I could even talk or think, I felt his lips prodding mine to respond.

“I love you, Joey… Alam ko mali, pero mahal talaga kita…” I heard him say, but my eyes were on Psalm who was looking at us with such betrayal in his eyes.

Chapter 65

#ABNQ65 Chapter 65

“Do you want anything, Ma’am?” the flight attendant asked me.

“Champagne for me,” sabi nung katabi ko bago ibalik ang atensyon sa akin. “So… ituloy mo na ’yung kwento mo! Nag-usap ba kayo ni Psalm? Nagalit ba siya nung hindi ka pumayag na magrunaway kayo?”

As she continued to talk, memories began to fill my head once again.

“I can’t…” I said as I stared in his eyes. Pain quickly filled his eyes. It was as if he tasted betrayal once again after years of living in it. Mabilis kong hinawakan ang kanyang kamay. “Psalm… Psalm, I need to do this.”

Tumingin siya sa akin. “Why can’t we do it together?” he asked. “Five years, Joey. We already wasted five years. I can’t waste any more time. I refuse to.”

Tumango ako habang pinupunasan ang mga luha ko. “I know… But I need this. I need to do this to breathe again. I can’t live feeling like this…” I said as I reached for his hand. “I made this mistake, and everyday, it continues to haunt me. I need to do this to live with myself. Please understand.”

Hindi agad siya naka-sagot. Nanatili lamang siyang naka-tingin sa akin. Nanatili akong naka-tingin sa kanya. I needed him to understand that it’s not that I didn’t want him with me because I do… I’d always want him by my side… but this was something that I needed to do alone.

I needed to make amends with myself.

I needed to be able to look at myself without feeling all the shame and disappointment.

“I can’t waste time anymore,” he said.

“But I can’t live like this,” I replied.

Tumingin siya sa akin. “Why do we always end up like this?” he asked. “Why do I feel like whatever happens, in the end, you’ll still end up running from me?”

A forced smile was all I got. I understood where he came from, but I knew myself that I needed time to heal. Dahil alam ko na kung pumayag man akong tumakbo kasama siya, dadating iyong panahon na mapapagod ako. Na patuloy akong kakainin ng mga ginawa ko dati. Na sa huli, pareho lang kaming masasaktan.

“Someday, I’ll stop running from you and start running to you.”

“Do you think I’ll still be here when the time comes?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. But all I know is that we’re bound to get burned if we run right now.”

My mind was snapped back to reality when I felt someone poking my arm. “Descending na tayo.”

I looked outside. Tipid akong napa-ngiti nang makita ko ang pamilyar na airport. The sky was orange and I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Ilang buwan din nang huli akong naka-punta dito. Ilang buwan din bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na bumalik.

“Ready ka na?” she asked.

I nodded. “Never been more ready,” I said as I prepared to get out of the plane.

Nagpaalam na ako sa katabi ko nang makuha ko iyong mga gamit ko. If not for her, I didn’t know what I would’ve done during the flight. Sobrang kinakabahan ako dahil pagkatapos ng ilang buwan, ngayon ko lang ulit makikita ang mga kaibigan ko… si Psalm. I was so excited, but at the same time scared. I knew Psalm and I didn’t really leave things on a good note. I knew that as much as he tried to understand why I needed to leave, he didn’t like the idea. Tama naman kasi siya. We already wasted so much time being apart… but this time apart was the one I needed to heal.

Dumiretso ako sa parking lot. I contacted Anj para sabihin na babalik na ako. I told her not to tell anyone dahil gusto ko na si Psalm ang una kong pupuntahan pagbalik ko. I did promise him that once I return, if he’s still interested in keeping me, I was willing to be kept…

“Baliw talaga,” I uttered when I really found the key sa taas nung gulong. Ano kayang gagawin niya kung nanakaw ’tong sasakyan ko?

Mabilis kong inilagay ang mga gamit ko sa likod. Konti lang ang dala ko nung pumunta ako sa Bukidnoon. Good for one week lang tapos nilalabhan ko. It was a routine, but a relaxing one. Sobrang gumaan ang loob ko sa ilang buwan na pamamalagi ko doon. Iba talaga ang pakiramdam na iyong mga pinag-aaralan mo lang dati, nagagamit mo na para maka-tulong sa mga tao. It filled my soul. I felt so much better now.

“Hi! You’re here na?” Anj called as I was stuck in the usual traffic in the Metro.

“Yeah, just landed a few minutes ago,” sagot ko. “Wala kang sinabihan, ’di ba?”

“Duh.” I could imagine her rolling her eyes. “San ka uuwi?”

“Bahay. May iba pa ba akong uuwian?” nagtataka na tanong ko.

“Oh, okay. See you. Bye,” sabi niya tapos mabilis na pinutol iyong tawag. Napailing na lang ako sa kanya at saka nagpatuloy sa pagda-drive. I opened the radio, and a song welcomed my ears.

’You are my favorite everything.

Shut up, I love you; you’re my best friend…’

I bit my lower lip. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko na mapa-ngiti. “No more waiting,” I said as I decided to drive to Psalm’s office instead.

I was running. I couldn’t run any faster. Gustung-gusto ko na siyang makita at mahawakan. These past few months have been torture for me. I was happy to be helping people, but I missed him so bad, too. I missed him more knowing that he didn’t hate the thought of me. I missed him more knowing that he loves me too…

“Hi,” bati ko sa receptionist. “Is Psalm here?”

Agad na kumunot ang noo niya. “Mr. Gomez de Liaño?” she asked. I nodded fervently. My fingers were shaking a little. I wanted to see him so bad! “He resigned months ago.”

“What?” gulat na tanong ko.

She nodded again. “If there are other things I can be of help,” sabi niya.

Nagtataka akong lumabas ng embassy. I… I didn’t know he resigned. He never told me anything… but it wasn’t as if we talked during those six months apart. We just both agreed to give each other space. Alam ko na pareho naming kailangan iyon. I knew that as much as he forgave me, he still needed time to process everything. I didn’t want us to be together if there were still forlorn feelings kept. I didn’t want us to sweep feelings under the rag, and wait for them to be in pile before we confront them all. It was just chaos in waiting, and I was tired of chaos.

So, I drove to the house with a heavy heart. I tried to keep my mind off of it until I returned. Hindi ko pa nakaka-usap si Psalm, and the last thing that I needed was to get into an accident.

“Anj…” I whispered as I saw cars parked a few meters from the house. Of course I knew those cars kahit sa malayo pa nila i-park! Pasaway talaga!

Nagpark ako ng medyo malayo, at naglakad na lang papasok. I planned on surprising them, pero ako ang na-surprise nang makita ko si Psalm sa harap ko. I halted. My eyes were solely on him. I couldn’t move. My heart started fluttering at the mere sight of him.

“Y-you’re here,” I croaked.

He was looking at me. I waited. I waited for any reaction from him. I waited to know if he was as glad to see me as I was to see him. I knew we didn’t promise anything… but God, I’d be lying if I’d say that I didn’t pray that he’d be waiting for me.

“Why won’t I be here?” he replied.

I pressed my lips, and begged myself to calm down. “I went to the embassy.”

Bahagyang umawang ang labi niya. “You did?”

I nodded. “You resigned,” I stated. “Why?”

His eyes were on me. And I love it whenever his eyes were on me. His stares made me feel special. Like I was the only person who matters. Like I was the only one.

“I made a pact with myself to only do things that make me happy,” he said. I bit my lower lip. “I resigned right after you left. I have a new job.”

“Are you playing again?” I asked. I wanted to hear that he’s playing again. Anj said that after we broke up, hindi niya na nakita si Psalm na naglalaro. And it broke me even more. It broke me to know that I caused him to give up the thing that he loved doing the most. It hurt me so bad.

“Yeah, kinda,” he said. Kumunot ang noo ko. “I work for an NGO right now, and when I’m not working, I teach the kids to play ball.”

A smile formed on my lips. I was happy for him. So happy. All I wanted was for him to do something that he loves, and I was happy to know that he finally gave in and do it. Life is short to do anything but things that you love. Iyon ang palagi niyang sinasabi sa akin dati kaya naman nalungkot ako nang sinabi niya na magta-trabaho siya sa opisina kahit alam ko na hindi niya iyong gusto.

But that was all in the past right now. I was just glad that we both finally came into terms with the things that we love.

“Are you back?” tanong niya. I nodded. “For good?”

“Yes,” I replied.

Ilang segundo pang naka-titig lamang kami sa isa’t-isa. Parehong naghihintay, parehong nag-aabang. We both knew the words, but we both didn’t know how to say them…

But fuck waiting.

I was done waiting.

“Do you still want to runaway?” I asked him, looking him in the eye because I wanted him to know that this time, I was in. This time, no more hesitation. This time, I’d do whatever it takes to be with him.

He took a step forward. I held my breath.

“With you? Always,” he said as he reached for my hand.

---

Para akong lumulutang sa ere nang pumasok kami ni Psalm sa loob ng bahay. Ilang minuto pa kaming nanatili sa labas, naka-tingin lang sa isa’t-isa habang hinihintay na humupa ang nararamdaman.

Every one of our friends was inside, waiting for us. Ang tagal na ng panahon na lumipas, pero halos walang nagbago sa pagkakaibigan namin. Sure, we all matured in our own ways, but still, deep down, we’re the same people who met in college and hit it off.

They’re my people.

They’re the ones who I know will always have my back… kasi ganoon din ako sa kanila. That no matter how many times they mess up, I’ll always be here, ready to pick up the pieces. Because we all saw one another at our lowest, and we love each other nonetheless.

“Are we really doing this?” I asked as we stared at each other’s face.

He nodded. “I don’t really care where I am as long as you’re with me.”

I reached for his face, and caressed his cheek. “What about your work?” I asked. I just didn’t want him to give up anything for me. If anything, I wanted to be the one who’s ready to give up anything for him. He loved me too much already, that I felt that it was my turn to give him everything.

“There are plenty of people to help everywhere,” he said. “What about your work? Don’t you want to work at a hospital or to do residency?”

I shrugged. We both were comfortably sharing a single seat. Hindi kami ganito dati. Yes, we were together, but we never acted like this. Ngayon, ewan ko… siguro kasi ang tagal naming hindi nagkasama kaya ngayon, lahat ng chance para magkadikit kami ay kinukuha namin. Kulang na nga lang kumandong ako sa kanya.

I could even feel his breath fanning my ear.

“I still can’t decide sa residency,” sagot ko. “But I really liked what I did back in Bukidnon. Iba sa feeling iyong nakaka-tulong ka… Lalo na sa mga malalayong lugar?” I answered, suddenly feeling a surge of sadness nang maalala ko na naman iyong mga batang naiwan ko sa Bukidnon. I promised them that I’d come back sa Pasko para magdala ng mga regalo.

Psalm’s arms tightened around my waist. I felt his head leaning on my shoulder.

“I think I know what we should do,” bulong niya sa akin bago kami nagsimulang hatakin paalis sa upuan ni Anj.

“Don’t hoard Joey naman!” sabi ni Anj. Natawa ako. “Kulang na lang itali mo sa gilid mo, e.”

“Hey, I missed her for almost six years! It’s still my turn!” sabi ni Psalm habang hinahatak ako pabalik sa kanya. Muntik na akong mapilay dahil sa paghahatakan nila. The night was filled with laughter. Halos hindi ako maka-hinga dahil sa pagtawa sa mga kwento nila lalo na kay Matt. He’s still on search for the one. I couldn’t believe that he’s the only single person in the group! Akala ko talaga makaka-buntis siya nang maaga!

The next few days, I just chose to rest and spend time with my family. Granted that they’re all stressed out with everything that’s happening, I appreciated that they allotted a day for me. Hindi lang ako maka-sagot tuwing tinatanong nila ako kung ano na ang plano ko. Psalm still hadn’t told me about our plans. Kaya naman puro ngiti lang ang sinasagot ko kapag tinatanong ako.

“Hindi mo pa ba sasabihin?” tanong ko kay Psalm. It had been a week, but he was still mum about the plan.

Umiling siya. We were driving to Tagaytay to eat Bulalo, just like the old times. Pareho kasi kaming walang trabaho ngayon kaya ang dami naming oras. Kung anu-ano lang ang ginagawa namin. Buong araw kaming magkasama, nag-uusap lang tungkol sa kung anu-anong bagay. You’d think that we’d run out of things to talk about, but we never did. And that’s what I like the most about being with him. I could just be myself, and he loves me for it.

“Kinukulit na ako nila Mama,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Nagtatampo na talaga si Papa.”

He looked at me for a split second bago niya ibinalik iyong atensyon niya sa daan. “I’m still fixing some things,” he simply answered.

“Can’t you tell me?”

Umiling siya. “I’ll tell you when it’s done.”

Umirap ako. “Tss.”

He laughed. “I promise, you’ll love this,” pangako niya sa akin. Pagdating namin sa Tagaytay, kumain lang kami tapos nagpunta sa kung saan-saan. We mainly stayed at this coffee shop that we used to frequent when we were in college. It’s in a nice spot that we both could relax. Dito kami pumupunta kapag gusto naming tumakas sa mga nangyayari sa school dati.

“I wanna ask you something,” I said.

“What?”

“About Kia…” sabi ko. When I was in Bukidnon, I kept on thinking about her. I felt bad because she didn’t deserve what she got. College pa lang kami, alam ko na na may gusto siya kay Psalm… And I knew that when Psalm was at his lowest, she was there for him… She didn’t deserve what Psalm did.

Agad na nag-iwas ng tingin si Psalm. I knew he felt guilty, too. It wasn’t in his nature to just hurt anybody. It just wasn’t him.

“How is she?”

“I don’t know,” he answered.

“Hindi mo alam?”

He nodded, and reached for his cup of coco. “I haven’t talked to her since we broke up,” simpleng sagot niya.

“Do you have common friends? I just want to know how she is,” sabi ko. Tumingin siya sa akin. I reached for his hand, and held it. “I just feel bad for her. She just loves you.”

He sighed. “She’ll just get hurt if we continued that. She knew that it has always been you.”

I sighed. “I know… I wish she’s okay now.”

“She is. She knows that it’s just right that we end it.”

“Is she mad?” I asked.

“Of course. But Kia’s a strong person. She’ll realize that I’m not the best person for her.”

It’s just hard to be completely happy knowing that someone’s hurting… But I didn’t want to dwell on that thought. I couldn’t always choose someone’s happiness over my own. I couldn’t let myself wallow in sadness and pity just so someone could be happy. I did that before, but it made me so miserable. I couldn’t do that again.

For once, I just wanted to choose myself.

---

Another week passed. I was getting impatient with his surprise, but he kept on telling me that I’d love the surprise kaya naman mas hinabaan ko ang pasensya.

“Ano? Hindi mo pa rin sasabihin?” bungad ko nang tawagan niya ako. I was so bored that I even cleaned the house! Nabisita ko na kasi lahat ng kaibigan ko. Wala na akong makasama kasi lahat sila busy sa trabaho. Ganito na talaga kapag matanda. Gumagawa ng mga plano na hindi matuluy-tuloy dahil busy lahat sa trabaho.

He laughed. “Ever impatient,” sabi niya. “I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.”

“What? Ngayon na?”

“Yeah. See you in twenty,” sabi niya tapos binabaan agad ako ng tawag! That guy! Nagmadali akong magshower. I chose a decent dress dahil hindi ko naman alam kung saan kami pupunta. He brings me in so many different places! Minsan sa high end resto, minsan sa amusement park, and there was this one time na dinala niya ako sa laser tag! And I was wearing heels! I just didn’t know how to dress appropriately dahil sa sobrang magkakaibang lugar niya ako dinadala!

I settled with a little black dress (because you could never go wrong with one) and just let my hair flow. Light makeup lang din ang ginawa ko. Seriously, Psalm needed to start telling me about his plans—hindi iyong nabibigla na lang ako kung saan kami pupunta!

‘Here,’ his text read. Nagmamadali akong bumaba palabas ng bahay.

“Am I dressed properly? Because I swear kung sa paintball—”

But I didn’t finish what I was saying because he cupped my face and kissed me. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat sa mga pangyayari, but it only took me half a second to close my eyes and kiss him back.

We were both panting when we let go.

“Hi,” I said, gasping for air.

“Hi,” he replied, smiling at me.

I reached for the side of his lips para burahin iyong bakas ng lipstick ko. “Smudge-proof daw…” bulong ko habang binubura iyong bakas. “San tayo pupunta?”

“Secret.”

I groaned. “Secret na naman?!”

He laughed. “This is the last secret, I promise,” sabi niya bago nagsimulang magdrive. Sumandal na lang ako habang nakikinig sa tugtog. I gave up guessing dahil never kong nahulaan kung saan niya ako dadalhin. But I was glad that I chose a good outfit nang huminto kami sa resto.

“You know, you can say that we’re just having dinner, hindi iyong pinapa-kaba mo ako sa kaiisip kung saang barilan mo na naman ako dadalhin,” sabi ko sa kanya habang naglalakad kami papasok.

Psalm’s hand was on the small of my back. I wore heels because I could. My boyfriend’s hella tall, so I liked wearing heels para naman tumagkad ako ng konti.

“You had fun, Joey,” he said. “You had fun killing those little kids.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “I did not!”

He laughed. “Sure, babe. You didn’t have fun when you massacred those little kids who just wanted to have fun at laser tag.”

Inaaway ko pa si Psalm nang mapa-tigil ako dahil nakita ko iyong mga magulang namin sa iisang lamesa. Agad na nahigit ko ang hininga ko.

“P-Psalm—”

“Let’s go,” he said instead, and led me towards the table. If not for Psalm leading me, baka hindi ako naka-galaw sa kinatatayuan ko. I just… oh, my God!

“G-good evening, Tito, Tita,” I said as I kissed their cheeks. My hands felt really cold! I didn’t want to think about what would unfold tonight, but my mind wouldn’t let me rest!

Nang makaupo ako, parang gusto ko na lang abutin iyong wine at inumin iyong lahat. Halos mabingi ako sa kabog ng dibdib ko habang hinihintay ko ang susunod na mangyayari.

“Let’s have dinner first,” Psalm said.

Ngumiti si Papa. “Pwede muna bang malaman kung bakit kami nandito?” he asked, thankfully!

Tito Bert nodded. “I agree. Why are we here?”

Lahat kami ay naka-tingin kay Psalm. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Hindi na ako nakapagpigil kaya inabot ko na iyong baso na may red wine, at diretsong ininom iyon.

Psalm let out a deep breath. Oh, boy. This seemed really serious. Would he— no. I didn’t even want to consider it. I didn’t want to expect.

“Ma, Pa,” he said, looking at his parents. “Tito, Tita,” he continued, looking at mine. “As you all know, Joey and I enjoyed doing volunteer work.”

Mabilis na kumunot ang noo ko. Where was he going with this?

“If you’ll all agree, we’d like to join the UN Program. It’s for two years, and we’ll go to different countries to help—”

“Two years?!” tumaas ang boses ni Papa. Napa-tingin ang ilang tao sa amin sa restaurant.

Psalm nodded. “Yes, Tito.”

“Let me get this straight, Psalm Christian,” sabi ni Papa. Inabot ko na iyong wine na para kay Mama at ininom iyon. Mama looked at me with questioning eyes, but that was the least of my concerns today! I didn’t know what the fuck was happening!

“You’re saying that you want to take my only daughter around the world for two years?” Papa asked using his menacing voice na ngayon ko lang narinig! I knew he didn’t like it. Six years na akong nawala dahil sa medschool, six months sa Bukidnon, tapos ngayon two years ulit?

“Yes, Tito, but—”

“No,” mabilis na sagot ni Papa. “Hindi ako papayag na umalis kayong dalawa ng bansa na kayong dalawa lang at ni hindi nga kayo kasal! Ano bang balak mo sa buhay mo, ha, Jocelyn?” tanong niya naman sa akin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil wala rin akong alam sa plano nitong si Psalm! Sure, I love the idea of joining a UN program, but he never consulted me with this! Hindi ako nakapaghanda sa sasabihin ko sa mga magulang ko!

“I’m sorry, Psalm, I don’t like this,” Tita Anna said, as well. “They’re right. I like Joey, but you two are not married. I don’t approve of the idea of you two traipsing around the world, unmarried.”

I reached for Papa’s glass of wine. I was hearing the word married a lot. I needed more of this red juice.

“We won’t do anything,” Psalm said.

“It’s still a no,” sagot ni Papa tapos tumingin sa akin na umiinom na naman ng wine. “Ano ba’ng bata ka,” sabi niya tapos inagaw sa akin iyong wine glass. “Kung gusto niyo talagang maglibot sa kung saan man ng magkasama, magpakasal muna kayong dalawa.”

Psalm’s parents nodded. “They’re right, Psalm. Until then, we don’t see this UN program happening.”

---

I woke up with the feeling of something drilling my skull. But even with my head aching, I still reached for my phone. Akala ko may text mula kay Psalm, pero wala akong nakuha. But there was a text from Anj asking me to go on a brunch with her.

“You look hangover.”

Tumango ako at saka inabot iyong baso ng tubig. “Because I am.”

“So… kailan kayo aalis?”

“Aalis?”

She nodded. “Sabi ni Psalm magvovolunteer daw kayo sa UN. I need to know the details para makapagplano ng despedida party! Hilig niyo pa namang dalawa na biglang nawawala tapos nagpapakita after years!”

I shrugged. “Hindi tuloy,” sabi ko. “Ayaw ng parents namin.”

“Seriously?” she asked, and I nodded and explained what transpired last night. My memory was only sharp during the beginning of the night, and as the night grew, my memories got vaguer. Hindi ko na natagalan iyong usapan nila kaya naging busy ako sa red wine.

“So… basically, they told you two to get married?”

I groaned and reached for her glass of water. “Stop saying that word.”

“Bakit? Ayaw mo ba magpakasal?”

My throat felt dry. My head was aching. My vision was still spinning… but even with all these, I could still remember how heated last night’s conversation was about this getting married. I could still hear how my parents gave us the option of not going or go but get married.

But Psalm didn’t make a choice.

And that was the choice.

“I don’t know,” I said, afraid of voicing out my thoughts. Why wouldn’t just Psalm say that he’d marry me? Didn’t he say before that he was about to propose before we broke up? What happened? What changed?

It was all inside my head, and I felt like exploding.

Anj must have felt my frustration. She reached for my hand, and squeezed it. “He loves you, you know?”

I smiled. “I know,” I replied… but why wouldn’t he propose?

---

In the end, we both didn’t go to the UN program. Psalm continued with his work and I began my residency for Obstetrics and Gynecology. Papa was finally happy that I was staying in one place after years of being away from him.

I was happy.

I was.

I was finally decided on what to pursue, I was with my family, I was with my friends, I was with Psalm. After years of uncertainty, finally, things were in their right places.

“Hey,” Psalm said after I answered his call. “Are you done?”

I nodded. “Yeah… sunduin mo ba ako? I can’t drive. I’m so tired…”

“Okay,” he replied. “I cooked. Can you swing by or do you want me to drive you home?” tanong niya.

Psalm got a condo because he said he wanted to move out of their house. I think it was Saint’s condo na hindi naman na nagagamit dahil may bahay na si Saint kasama iyong asawa niya na once ko pa lang yata nakita. She seems really nice. We just hadn’t had the chance to bond dahil busy ako palagi at busy din siya palagi sa mga anak nila.

A few minutes later, Psalm texted na nasa labas na raw siya. Lumabas na ako. I kept on yawning because I just pulled a 72 hours shift, and I was tired as hell. I was doing my residency at a public hospital because I liked the diversity of patients here. Sabi ni Papa, mas marami daw akong matututunan dito. The salary was very bad and some people were really rude, but I liked gaining experience.

“Thanks, babe,” I said when he handed me a bottled water. He knew that once I was in my residency, hindi na ako nakakainom masyado ng tubig dahil masyado talagang busy. Minsan nga sa gurney na ako nakaka-tulog sa sobrang pagod.

“You sure you still want to go? Or I can drive you home? You look really tired,” he said, caressing my cheek with his thumb.

Umiling ako habang naka-ngiti. “Ayos lang ako. I’ll just take a quick nap. Gisingin mo na lang ako pag nandun na tayo,” sabi ko bago ako pumikit.

When I opened my eyes, napansin ko na nasa loob na ako ng condo ni Psalm. I could smell food. My stomach instantly grumbled. Nagtatampo na talaga iyong tyan ko sa akin dahil puro galing dietary ang kinakain ko lately.

“Hi,” sabi ko habang naka-yakap sa likod ni Psalm. Naabutan ko siya na naka-tayo sa harap ng ref. “Di mo ko ginising.”

“You looked really tired,” sagot niya tapos niluwagan iyong yakap ko sa kanya. He turned around and looked at me. “You wanna eat?”

I nodded. “What did you cook?”

“Steak and mashed potato… and of course, rice,” sabi niya. Inirapan ko siya. I needed rice! Sa dami ng ginagawa ko sa ospital, magcocollapse na talaga ako kapag hindi ako kumain nang maayos.

Pumunta na kami sa dining area. We ate while we talked about Psalm’s work. I couldn’t talk about my patients even if I wanted to. Pinag-usapan din namin kung saan kami magbabakasyon sa susunod dahil kailangan pa naming maghanap ng common time pareho. We’re really both adults.

“Sinabi mo na kay Matt?” I asked and he nodded.

“What about Anj?” he asked and I nodded.

“Good. Finally,” he said, and I laughed.

Our parents never really approved of us going on vacation together! For the past two years, every time we’d like to go somewhere that would require air travel, kailangan may chaperone kaming dalawa. As if we weren’t both 28 years old! Parang bata pa rin kung ituring! After two vacations with our friends na kailangan pa naming suhulan para sumama, we finally decided to just… lie. We’d tell our parents na may kasama kaming dalawa. All Anj and Matt needed to do was to avoid being seen by our parents in public. That way, pwede na kaming dalawa lang ni Psalm ang nasa bakasyon.

After our dinner, we settled in front of the TV. We got a bowl of popcorn and blanket covering our laps. Naka-sandal ako kay Psalm habang naka-yakap siya sa akin.

“What about Maldives?” I asked.

“Let’s just sched that for summer,” he said, planting little kisses on the top of my head. “Kyoto?”

I looked up, and eagerly nodded. “Yes! Pwede doon na lang?” I asked and he laughed. “Promise ’yan, ha? Magfa-file na ako ng leave! Magmamakaawa na ako sa attendant ko!”

Tinawanan lang ako ni Psalm. God, I wanted to go back to Japan again! Last time kasi na pumunta kami, kasama namin si Steele at Andrea. Kinailangan agad naming bumalik kasi nagka-problem sa business nila Steele. ’Di naman pwede na maiwan kami kasi malalaman nila Mama kasi package deal kaming apat.

“I’ll book the flight,” he said.

I grinned. “Thank you,” I said, planting a kiss on his lips. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said, and then held my head and kissed me properly. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and angled my head so he could kiss me deeper.

“Joey…” he groaned.

“Please?” I begged. Palagi na lang ganito. Kapag gusto ko, tumitigil na siya. “Please?” I repeated as I pulled his head down and kissed him again. I pulled his lower lip using my teeth, and looked him in the eye. “Please? Babe, please?”

Umiling si Psalm, tapos tumayo.

“I’m starting to think that steak has some effect on you,” sabi niya bago ako iniwan sa couch. I glared at his retreating back. I was starting to get pissed at him. He wouldn’t propose, he wouldn’t go farther than kissing… Fine, he didn’t want to marry me, but I didn’t plan on being a 30 year-old virgin!

Just wait for Kyoto, Psalm. There’s nowhere for you to run.

Epilogue (Part 1)

#ABNQEpilogue Epilogue (Part 1)

I was ready. I brought everything I needed for this trip. I needed everything to work smoothly dahil hindi biro ang pinagdaanan ko para lang hindi magduda ang parents ko na kaming dalawa lang talaga ni Psalm ang pupunta sa Kyoto. And Psalm also had second thoughts bago kami sumakay sa eroplano. He felt bad na nagsisinungaling kami sa parents ko. Of all the things he’d feel bad about! Hindi ba siya naaawa sa akin?!

While we were at the plane, I kept on asking for champage habang panay naman ang pigil sa akin ni Psalm.

“We can’t enjoy Kyoto if you’re drunk.”

Inirapan ko siya. “Alam mo…” I said, then paused because I didn’t want to start a fight with him kahit na naiinis ako nang malaman ko na inn iyong binook niya para sa aming dalawa. Isa daw sa consideration niya iyong dalawang kwarto. Muntik ko na siyang sabunutan kanina, but I fought against it. I needed to calm myself habang nasa Pilipinas pa kami.

“What?” he asked when I didn’t finish my sentence.

I shrugged, then took a sip of my drink. “Nothing. Just wake me up pag nandun na tayo,” I said before I closed my eyes. I really did fall asleep because I was tired from the shift that I pulled last night. Kinailangan ko na galingan sa ospital para payagan akong umalis. Sobrang kulang kasi iyong mga doktor sa public hospitals kaya pahirapan talaga humanap ng timing para umalis.

But I seriously think that God was on my side dahil naka-hanap ako ng schedule for me. I think it’s God’s way of saying na dapat ko talagang ituloy ang plano ko kay Psalm.

“Joey…” I heard Psalm calling my name. Pagbukas ko ng mga mata ko, siya agad ang una kong nakita. Nakaramdam agad ako ng inis dahil naalala ko na naman iyong room arrangement namin. “We’re here.”

“Ah,” I simply said. Biglang nagkaroon ng pagtataka sa mga mata niya dahil sa tono ng sagot ko, but as Psalm usually was, he just let it pass. One of the things I love about him? His patience with me. I am well-aware that I’m not the easiest person to be with, but with Psalm, he always makes me feel like I am easy to be around. He makes me feel good.

We grabbed food first bago kami sumakay sa train para pumunta sa Kyoto. Tahimik lang ako habang nasa byahe lang kami. Panay ang tingin sa akin ni Psalm, pero ’di ko siya pinapansin.

“Joey,” tawag niya nang hindi na makatiis. “Did I do something wrong?”

Kapag hindi ko siya pinapansin, palagi niyang inaassume na may nagawa siyang masama. Iyon agad ang una niyang tanong. Hindi why are you mad?

“Wala,” sabi ko sabay bigay ng ngiti sa kanya. I felt guilty because I was being hard on him for no logical reason. Hindi ba dapat masaya ako na ginagalang ako ni Psalm? Na hindi siya gaya ng ibang lalaki na katawan lang iyong habol?

But damn! I couldn’t think logically tuwing naiisip ko na konting taon na lang, thirty years old na ako! Dahil sa tuwing naiisip ko iyon, sobrang tempted ako na talunin na ’tong si Psalm Christian para makita kung hanggang saan lang talaga ang pasensya niya pagdating sa akin.

After the train ride, naka-rating na kami finally sa Japanese style inn na binook niya para sa amin. I found myself relaxing at the view. Medyo nawala iyong inis ko kay Psalm dahil doon.

“Are you hungry?” he asked, trying to talk to me dahil ’di ko siya pinansin buong train ride. Nagkunwari ako na natutulog ulit para lang ’di siya makausap.

Umiling ako. “Tulog muna ako.”

He looked at me, then sighed. “You were asleep the entire flight pati sa train ride. What did I do wrong again, Joey?” he asked using his sad voice.

I stared at his face. I squinted my eyes at him.

“Gusto mong malaman?” I asked, my brow arched.

He nodded. “Yeah. I don’t want to spoil our vacation. If there’s something I did, I apologize and promise that I won’t do it ever again,” sabi niya at saka lumapit sa akin. Inabot niya iyong kamay ko. He caressed the top of my hand. I hated it when he does that! Sobrang nakakawala ng inis sa kanya!

I sighed. “Nothing,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I rested my head against his chest and allowed myself to relax. “Sobrang stressed lang ako sa work. Sorry kung sa ’yo ko na naman nabubunton iyong stress ko…” I whispered as I felt him caressing my back.

“It’s okay…” I heard him say. “I know how hard you work,” he continued, and then planted a kiss on top of my head. “Sleep first. We’ll just tour tomorrow when you’re well-rested.”

Nanatili akong naka-yakap sa kanya hanggang sa buhatin niya na ako papunta sa kwarto ko. Seryoso talaga siya sa hiwalay naming kwarto! Bumabalik na naman iyong stress ko sa kanya!

Tinotoo ko na lang iyong reason ko sa kanya na inaantok ako kaya natulog talaga ako. I woke up after a few hours, feeling a little better. Paglabas ko sa kwarto, agad kong hinanap si Psalm. Nakita ko siya na may inaayos sa lamesa. Lumapit agad ako doon tapos niyakap siya.

“Lumabas ka?” I asked while I was hugging his back.

He nodded. “Yeah. I bought food. Got you Nishin Soba and Yudofu,” he said. “Are you hungry?” he asked.

I nodded. “Dapat ginising mo ako.”

“You looked really tired. Let’s eat,” sabi niya.

Naupo kami sa sahig. The place he got us was really nice—minus the two rooms. Parang nasa old era Japan talaga kami. Nung nagpunta kasi kami sa Tokyo dati, hindi ganito iyong tinirhan namin.

“Mama reminded me to remind you that it’s her birthday next month,” sabi niya.

I nodded. “Alam ko. Naka-bili na nga ako ng regalo sa kanya,” I said instead. Sa totoo lang, nahihiya na akong makita sila Tita Anna dahil ang palagi niyang tanong sa akin ay kailan kami ikakasal ng magaling niyang anak! Bakit kaya hindi si Psalm ang tanungin niya? Jusko, naunahan na siya ng mga kapatid niyang magpakasal!

“Just reminding you. Last time kasi nalimutan mo,” he said, shrugging. Hindi ko naman nalimutan dati. Nagkataon lang na kinulang iyong staff sa hospital kaya napilitan ako magstay. Tapos after shift ko, naka-tulog ako agad sa quarters kaya ’di ko nasagot iyong mga text and calls.

“Also, Saint’s inviting you to Luna’s birthday.”

I nodded. “Got the gift already,” I said, and then reached for the tofu. “Ilan na nga pamangkin mo?” I asked.

“Four,” he said tapos hindi naka-tingin sa akin.

“Hmm… May pamilya na mga kapatid mo…” patay-malisya kong sabi. “Pati mga pinsan mo, no?”

This asshole just nodded.

Hanggang sa matapos kaming kumain, hindi ko alam kung ’di nage-gets ni Psalm iyong nais kong iparating o sadyang hindi niya lang talaga ako pinapansin. He volunteered to clean out the trash at magpahinga na raw ako.

“Oh? Bakit?” Anj asked when I called her. “Salubong na naman kilay mo.”

“Nakakainis kasi si Psalm!” I fumed. I didn’t care if the walls were thin. Maybe a part of me wanted him to hear what I was so mad about! I probably sounded so desperate, but I didn’t know what to make of it anymore! He wouldn’t propose, he wouldn’t touch me! I didn’t know what he wanted me to do!

Tumawa si Anj na mukhang masayang-masaya na alone time niya. “Talunin mo na,” sabi niya.

“Won’t work. Pretty sure he’ll just push me away,” sabi ko dahil na-try ko na iyon dati. Naka-patong na ako sa kanya pero ewan ko nagawan niya ng paraan na magpalit kami ng posisyon tapos iniwan ako.

She nodded. “Hmm… Daanin mo sa element of surprise,” she said knowingly before she quickly ended the call. I was left to wonder kung ano ang gusto niyang iparating sa akin.

It took me a while bago ko nakuha iyong ibig niyang sabihin. Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napayakap ako sa katawan ko.

“Ganon na ba ako ka-desperado?” tanong ko sa sarili ko habang naka-tingin sa salamin. I knew I didn’t have the best body. ’Di ko nga alam kung sexy ako dahil feeling ko mas lamang iyong payat ako. Alam ko rin na maraming kilalang sexy at magaganda si Psalm dahil ewan ko ba marami talaga siyang kilalang tao.

“Malapit ka ng magthirty…” bulong ng maliit na tinig sa akin.

Ugh!

Kasalanan ’to lahat ni Psalm! Sa aming dalawa, bakit ako iyong nagkaka-ganito?! Baliktad talaga!

It was in the middle of the night when I angrily marched at Psalm’s room. I was only wearing the robe that was provided. Nandoon siya sa baba habang iyong ibinigay niyang kwarto sa akin ay iyong nasa taas. It was as if he was subtly telling me to stay far away from him.

“Joey?” tanong niya na agad napa-upo sa hinihigaan niyang mattress nang buksan ko iyong sliding door.

“Hindi ba ako maganda?” I asked him point blank.

Agad na kumunot ang noo niya. “What?”

“Hindi ba ako maganda?” I repeated.

“What? Of course you’re beautiful. Why are you asking that?” tanong niya.

Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa roba na suot ko. Nanatiling naka-tutok sa kanya ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling iyong luha na nagbabadyang kumawala mula sa mga mata ko, pero nagsisimula na silang magtipon.

I kept on gaze at him.

“Joey…” he said as he stood up and went near me. “Where is this coming from?” he asked as he cupped my face. His eyes being on me just made me cry even faster. I hated being like this. I hated acting like this. But every time he’d stop, it made me question everything in our relationship…

It’s been years.

Ilang taon pa ba ang hihintayin ko?

I couldn’t answer. I hoped that the tears from my eyes were answer enough for him. Because I couldn’t voice out the thoughts inside my head… I was scared of the answer… I didn’t think I could handle the truth if he’d tell me.

“Joey, you’re beautiful. Even more so when you just woke up. Even more so when you’re pissed. Even more so when you just came from duty. I love you even more when you show me how imperfect you are because by then, I always realize that no matter how flawed you are, at the end of the day, you’re still the person I wanna spend tomorrow with…”

I bit my lower lip as I grappled with breathing.

“I love you, you know that, right?” he asked. I nodded. “You’re the only person I ever loved,” he continued as he leaned down and planted a kiss on my lips. But even before he could let go, I pulled him down and kissed him again. I kissed him deeper than I’ve ever kissed him.

“Joey,” he said when our lips parted for a second.

“Please,” I replied as I pulled down his head again.

I prodded him to open his mouth—to kiss me like I deserved to be kissed. I heard him groaning; I felt him fighting. Agad ko siyang binitiwan.

“You know what? If you don’t want me, fine!” I shouted at him as I took a step back. “I don’t know what the hell your long term plan is, but know this, Psalm Christian Sison Gomez de Liaño…” I trailed as I glared at him. “Napipikon na ako sa ’yo.”

Nagsimula akong maglakad palabas ngunit bago pa man ako makaaalis ay naramdaman ko ang hawak niya sa akin.

“What—” I said but I wasn’t able to finish what I was saying because I felt his lips on me again. This time, more demanding. This time, I was being kissed like I deserved to be kissed.

His lips didn’t let go of mine. His hand was on my neck while the other one was traveling down. I heard him curse when he realized that I wasn’t wearing anything underneath.

“Fuck,” he said, catching his breath after that kiss.

“Yes,” I replied, my eyes gazing at him with such longing and despair.

I saw him gritting his teeth as if it was a matter of life and death. As if this was something so bad… But how could something so good be so bad?

“Fuck it,” I heard him say before he grabbed my face and kissed me again. I could feel his hands shaking as he began to untie my robe. I could feel his heartbeat against mine as the piece of cloth began to fall from my shoulder.

Pareho kaming halos hindi maka-hinga sa mga nangyayari. Parehong halos kumabog ang puso palabas ng dibdib.

“I love you,” I said as I stood naked in front of him. “You’re the love of my life, you know that, right?”

Slowly, he nodded. “Joey, it’s always been you,” he said as he closed the distance and kissed me again.

---

The next few days have been wonderful. Psalm and I toured around Kyoto. We took a lot of pictures… and memories. Halos ayoko ng umuwi sa Pilipinas… but duty calls so we went home after a couple of days.

“I’ll see you later,” sabi niya nang ihatid ako sa ospital. Diretso shift agad ako.

“Absent na lang kaya ako?” tanong ko habang naka-yakap sa kanya.

Tumawa siya. “Your patients need you.”

I frowned. “Don’t you need me?”

He laughed again, and kissed me on the lips. “Of course, but unlike them, I can wait.” So unwillingly, bumaba na ako ng sasakyan niya at pumunta sa loob para simulan ang duty ko.

After my duty, sinundo ako ni Psalm mula sa hospital. Pumunta kami sa condo niya… to do things. After that, he’d drive me home kasi sa bahay pa rin ako umuuwi. The set up continued until it was time for me to go to Tita Anna’s birthday.

As much as I was happy with the development in my relationship with Psalm, I still dreaded being asked when I’d get married. Because I didn’t know. I still didn’t know.

“Happy birthday, Tita,” I said as I greeted her. I got her a painting from her favorite local artist. Dati, akala ko mahirap hanapan ng regalo iyong pamilya ni Psalm kasi ano pa ba ang kailangan nila? But as I grew closer to his family, I realized that the smallest things matter. You didn’t need to spend a fortune to make them smile. You just have to put thought in your gift, and they’d surely appreciate.

The night grew. Dumating iyong buong pamilya ng Gomez de Liaño, de Marco, pati pamilya ng mga asawa. Everyone was having a good time except for me. Kanina pa masama ang pakiramdam ko.

“Are you okay?” Psalm whispered.

I nodded. “Yeah, medyo nahihilo lang.”

“You sure? You look pale.”

I smiled. “I’m fine. Kukuha lang ako ng tubig, okay?” Tumayo na ako para humingi ng tubig ng biglang magdilim ang paningin ko.

Epilogue (Part 2)

#ABNQEpilogue Epilogue (Part 2)

I woke up feeling nauseous. My head felt like it was being smashed in half. I tried to speak, but my throat felt so dry. At bago pa man ako maka-galaw ay may mga boses akong narinig.

“Has the doctor said anything?” I heard Saint’s voice. “Mom’s asking for an update.”

“No, but they already did a test,” Psalm responded. And when I felt him about to look my way, hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla ko na lamang ipinikit ang mga mata ko. “God, I told her to take it easy. She’s always working herself too much.”

“Maybe,” Saint said. “But… I remember Mary fainting before. This situation just feels a lot like déjà vu.”

I didn’t know what was happening… Or maybe I did know. But I kept silent. I wanted to hear Psalm’s answer… I needed to hear his answer.

“What are you talking about?” Psalm asked, as if Saint was being subtle with what he was trying to imply.

“I am suggesting… that maybe… since you’re almost 30, in case you forgot, that maybe Joey is pregnant.”

Naka-pikit ako, pero damang-dama ko iyong bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Naka-pikit ako, pero tila gusto kong idilat ang mga mata ko para lamang makita iyong ekspresyon sa mga mata ni Psalm.

Ano’ng iniisip niya?

Ano’ng sasabihin niya?

Ano’ng gagawin niya?

“I mean, granted that Mom will definitely be mad at you for getting Joey pregnant before marrying her, but a baby’s a blessing. She’ll get over it,” Saint continued after we got nothing but deafening silence from Psalm’s end.

Tahimik akong naghintay sa kung ano ang sasabihin niya. Gusto ko kasing malaman… Paano kung buntis nga ako? Paano kung magkaka-anak nga kami? Ano’ng gagawin niya?

“But I think it’s better that you get engaged before you tell Mom about the baby. Just to calm her down,” Saint continued, but when he got no response from his brother, still, he continued. “Wait… you’re marrying her, right? Because we’d all been waiting for years, Psalm. We know it’s Joey for you, but for some reasons, you still won’t marry her.”

I bit my lip so hard to stop myself from doing anything. I wanted to calmly listen because this was the question that I was very hesitant to ask. Na bakit nga ba hindi niya ako magawang pakasalan? Ano ba ang plano niya? Hanggang gaano kami ganito katagal? Hanggang kailan ko siya ipagtatanggol sa mga magulang ko? Because I was running out of excuses to defend him na kung bakit hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring nangyayari.

Kung bakit hanggang ngayon, hanggang dito pa rin lang kami.

“I will… I just…” he trailed, but a minute passed, and I got nothing.

“You just what?” Saint asked.

I felt Psalm’s hand gently caressing my hair. I felt his eyes on me. I felt him leaning in and planting a kiss on my forehead.

“I’m just scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of her,” he said. “I’m just scared that… that what if another Marcus comes in her life? What if… what if she does that to me again?” He paused. “I’d die, Saint. I’d die if she does that again.”

“Isn’t that all the more reason why you should marry her? So that she’d be yours? Legally?”

“Being married doesn’t save you from being cheated on. If someone wants to cheat, she’d find a way. No amount of commitment can stop someone from cheating if she really wants to.”

“You know Joey’s not like that. And it’s been years. I thought you’re over that already?”

I begged myself… I begged myself to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. I begged myself to stop the whimpers that were about to be heard.

Naiintindihan ko si Psalm. Naiintindihan ko siya… But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t hurting from everything that he said. Because I knew that it was my own doing. That I chose to do that to him… That it was the result of the mistake that I did.

That it was the truth. The truth that the single mistake would haunt me always. That I’d always have a remembrance of that.

“I try to be okay. I always try to trust her. But I just can’t drown the demons inside my head. The fucking bastards know how to swim.”

I was thankful that the doctor finally arrived. Psalm gently woke me up. Dahan-dahan kong idinilat ang mga mata ko, nakikiusap na sana ay hindi niya mapansin kung paano ako muling nasira dahil sa mga salitang binitiwan niya.

Na kahit gaano ko pa siya naiintindihan, hindi ko pa rin maiiwasan na masaktan sa mga sinabi niya.

“Joey…” he whispered in my ear. “The doctor’s here,” he said.

Psalm helped me to sit down. Tahimik akong nakinig sa mga sasabihin niya. I was praying that I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to trap Psalm into marrying me if he didn’t want to… If he still didn’t trust me… If he’s still so scared of me…

Saint left us. I held my own hand. I needed to calm down, to not show him how badly I was hurting. How badly my heart was shattered.

“Doc, how’s she?” Psalm asked. I could hear the fear in his voice. Did he wish, too, that I wasn’t pregnant? Para wala siyang maging responsibilidad na pakasalan ako? Because we both knew that if I got married, there’s no choice for him but to marry me. Because both our families would force us.

Kaya sana hindi.

Kaya sana ’wag.

Kasi pareho lang kaming malulubog sa mga bagay na kinatatakutan namin. Na baka pareho na kaming tuluyang hindi na makaahon pa.

“It’s just over fatigue,” the doctor said. I couldn’t even look at Psalm’s face. I didn’t want to see the relief in his face knowing that I wasn’t pregnant. That there’s no reason for him to forcibly marry me.

Tahimik akong nakinig sa mga bilin ng doctor. Gusto ko na lang umuwi. Gusto ko na lang magpahinga. Gusto ko na lamang mapag-isa.

---

I was in the hospital. I was doing the usual routine. Nagkaroon ng emergency iyong attendant ko kaya nalipat ako. And the new one was just… a fucking asshole. Palaging late tapo sa junior interns nagagalit. I just… wow. Some doctors are just fucking assholes. You’d wonder why they are in the health care industry.

So, I felt like I was on the way to the hospital again. Pakiramdam ko magkakasakit na naman ako dahil sa dami ng ginagawa ko.

“Joey,” Psalm called. I answered his call. I wasn’t mad at him. I tried my best not to be dahil alam ko kung saan siya nanggagaling.

“What?” I replied. I was checking the charts dahil naaawa na ako sa junior interns dahil baka sila na naman mapagalitan kapag may kulang o na-overlook sa charts.

“Can you do dinner tonight?” he asked.

“Can’t,” I replied. “Di pa dumadating si Dr. Chua. ’Di pa ako pwedeng umalis,” I said.

“Okay… I’ll just bring you food.”

“Okay,” I said before I ended the call.

Pinagpatuloy ko ang ginagawa ko. Nang matapos ako, dumiretso na ako sa quarters para pumuslit ng tulog. My eyes were on the verge of giving up, and I was feeling the burn from the continuous weeks of nonstop duty.

That afternoon, Dr. Chua asked me to go to the other hospital kung saan nagki-clinic siya. May kailangan siyang ipagawa sa akin. I didn’t even ask kasi mas mase-stress lang ako. Ending naman nito ay gagawin ko pa rin ang pinapagawa niya kasi ano bang choice ko? Malakas din kasi topak ng mga attending na ’to.

Pagdating ko doon, agad akong napa-hinto nang makita ko si Marcus. He was talking to someone… Mukhang doctor din…

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Should I talk to him? Should I go the other way? It’s been so long since we last saw each other. I didn’t know what was happening with him. I tried my best not to get any news about him. I just didn’t want to cause any more unnecessary pain for Psalm.

What I gave him before was enough. Tama na ’yun.

But even before I could walk away, I heard him calling my name.

“Joey,” he said. I looked at his face. He looked well. He looked really good.

I smiled at him. I was happy for him. “Hi.”

Ibinalik niya ang ngiti ko. “Hi.”

Silence enveloped us once again. Walang nagsalita. Pareho lamang naka-tingin sa isa’t-isa.

“Ah… hinahanap ko lang si Dr. Chua,” pagbasag ko sa katahimikan.

He nodded. “Ah… Nasa kabilang building iyong clinic niya,” sabi niya.

“Ah… thank you,” sabi ko, at saka ngumiti. “Uhm… Sige, una na ako.”

Aalis na sana ako nang tawagin niyang muli ang pangalan ko.

“Joey,” he said. “Can we get coffee sometime?”

“Marcus—”

He cut me off. “As friends,” sagot niya. Hindi ako nakapagsalita. “I’m okay,” he said. “I think I’m finally okay.”

I smiled at him. “Is it the doctor? ’Yung kausap mo kanina?”

He awkwardly smiled, but didn’t say anything. “Or lunch? Pwede mong isama si Anj—”

“Si Anj?” I asked.

He nodded. “Dito kasi iyong sa pedia ng anak niya. Nadadaan ako palagi kaya madalas nagkaka-usap kami. You can bring her if you want… Para na rin hindi magduda si Psalm…” dugtong pa niya.

Pinilit kong ngumiti. “Ah… sige, sasabihin ko.”

Akala ko tapos na siya. Pero hindi pa pala.

“Bakit… bakit hindi mo sinabi sa kanya ’yung totoo, Joey?” he asked. “That it was me who kissed you? That it was me who wanted you all along?”

Mas pinili ko rin na hindi sumagot. Kasi tapos na iyon. Kasi tinanggap ko sa sarili ko na minsan sa buhay ko, talagang nagustuhan ko si Marcus… That if it weren’t for Psalm catching us, something more could’ve happened.

It didn’t happen.

But that didn’t make it right.

So, I blamed myself. And I blamed Marcus. Because I thought he’d be the bigger person and tell Psalm that nothing happened… Pero siguro ay pareho kaming duwag. Parehong takot. Parehong nagpatalo sa mga kasalanan na dating nagawa.

Pakiramdam ko, iniwan niya ako sa ere. 

Pero ano pang silbi? Tapos na. Nangyari na. Nagawa na.

“It all worked out in the end, Marcus. Let’s just leave it at that,” I said.

He looked at my hand. There was no ring. I could see the disappointment in his eyes. “Yeah…” he said.

I smiled. “I’m happy for you.”

Tumingin siya sa akin. “Masaya ka ba?” tanong niya.

Tumango ako. “Sobra.”

“Masaya ako para sa ’yo…” sabi niya bago kami nagpaalam sa isa’t-isa.

The lunch never happened. Kasi ganoon siguro talaga. Feelings would heal… Tears would dry… Angry words would be forgotten… But those do not mean that everything in the world would be fine again.

Sometimes, it’s better to leave things be.

Kasi ganoon lang.

Hanggang don lang talaga.

---

A few months from the big three-zero. My parents were more worried than ever. Mas nahihirapan na akong magpaliwanag kung ano nga ba ang plano ko sa buhay. I guess my parents’ biggest worry was that hindi ko sila mabibigyan ng apo… They’re so excited to have someone to spoil. Sobrang lungkot na nga kasi siguro sa bahay.

“What’s the plan sa birthday mo?” Anj asked. “Lalabas ba tayo?”

Umiling ako. Habang tumatanda, mas nawawalan ako ng energy para lumabas pa. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay makasama ang mga kaibigan ko. I really didn’t like the idea of going out anymore… Iniisip ko pa lang ay napapagod na ako. If I could, I’d stay in my bed all day.

“No. Dinner na lang sa condo ni Psalm.”

“Okay,” she said. “Okay na ba kayo ni Psalm?”

I nodded. “Oo naman. Bakit mo natanong?” nagtataka kong sabi dahil hindi naman siya magtatanong out of nowhere. There’s always a basis sa mga sinasabi ni Anj. May nasabi kaya si Psalm? Hindi ba kami okay?

She shrugged. “Ewan… I think I heard na parang sinabi ni Psalm na nasa hospital ka lagi.”

“Lagi naman talaga ako doon, ah.”

“Yeah, but iba daw ngayon. Parang… galit ka sa kanya.”

“Imagination niya lang ’yun.”

“Hindi ka ba talaga galit?” she asked. “Because… alam mo na?”

I pursed my lips. I knew what she was talking about. They’re all married. Even Matt who I never thought would settle down, kasal na! I felt like everyone’s on to start a new chapter in their lives… habang ako? Ito. Nandito pa rin. Pilit pa ring pinapaintindi sa sarili kung bakit ganito. Na ganito talaga. Na dapat intindihin ko pa rin si Psalm.

“I’m trying to make my peace with it,” I said. I smiled. Or at least I tried. “We’re together. That’s all that matters.”

Anj sighed. “Alam mo… kausapin mo na lang kaya siya?”

“And say what? That I want to get married?”

“Bakit hindi? Gusto mo naman talaga, ’di ba? Kasi kung hindi ka bothered, you won’t act that way,” she said. I was about to rebut, but she was quick to continue. “You’re frustrated, Joey. We all can feel it. You may think that you’re acting cool, but I swear, mukhang konti na lang pipitik ka na! Lalo na nung kasal ni Matt? Kulang na lang sumigaw ka ng ‘itigil ang kasal!’ Ganoon ka ka-bitter sa kasal.”

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. Ano ang sasabihin ko? Ano’ng pwede kong sabihin?

“I’m okay,” I said. I repeated. It’s been what I was saying every time someone would ask me kung kailan kami ikakasal ni Psalm. Kailangan ko palaging sabihin na choice ko na hindi magpakasal. Kasi ano ang isasagot ko kung sasabihin ko na gusto ko ring magpakasal? I didn’t want them to judge Psalm for not making the call. Because it was my fault. This was still the result of the mistake that I did years ago.

I paid for that.

I was paying for it still.

“We’re together. Iyon ang importante,” patuloy kong sabi.

She sighed. “Yeah… Keep convincing yourself.”

Nang matapos kami sa lunch date namin ni Anj, naisip ko na dumiretso na muna sa condo ni Psalm. I needed to see him. I needed to remind myself that marriage is just a contract. It’s just a legal contract. That what’s most important is that we’re together and we love each other.

Iyon ang mahalaga.

Iyon lang ang dapat kong isipin.

“Hey… I thought—”

I hugged him. “Change sa rotation. I’m free right now,” I said, then kissed him on the cheek. “Bakit ka nandito? I thought may project kayo?”

He nodded, then wrapped his arms around me. “Yeah, but Saint asked me to babysit.”

“Si Luna?” I arched my brow, then looked around. I’d always loved babysitting for Saint and Mary! Their baby girls are so adorable! “Nandito siya?”

Umiling si Psalm. “Earlier. Already drove her home. Umiiyak. Kept on looking for her dad.”

I laughed. “Daddy’s girl talaga ’yun. Buti na lang may Amaris pa sila na Mommy’s girl naman.”

Maybe this was my role in life? Ang matuwa sa baby ng ibang tao? I would love to have a baby of my own, but I would never force Psalm to do anything that he didn’t want to… I just needed to be contented with what I have. To be thankful that he’s still here.

I spent the night in Psalm’s condo. I was way passed the time when my parents would ask me kung saan ako matutulog. Maybe they’d finally come to the realization na hindi na ako bata. Hindi na nga sila nagtatanong kung kailan ako ikakasal… Ang tinatanong na nila ngayon ay kung magkakaapo pa sila.

I guess everyone around me has given up, too, on the idea of me getting married ever.

Maybe it’s time that I give up on the idea, too.

Na hanggang dito lang talaga.

Almost married… but not quite.

Not really.

---

Came the night before my birthday. We all decided to just have a quiet dinner in Psalm’s condo. We just ordered food because we’re all too lazy to cook anything. Dumating na iyong mga kaibigan namin isa-isa. Iyong iba, medyo late dahil busy sa kung anuman ang pinagkakaabalahan nila.

“Ang tagal naman nila!” Anj said. “Gutom na ako.”

Nasa sala kami. Dito pa lang, amoy na amoy na namin iyong dinner. Gusto ko na ring kumain, but it would be rude kung mauuna kami sa iba. Pare-pareho lang naman kaming nagugutom for sure.

“Let’s just wait for them. Parating na sila,” I said to calm her down.

“Gutom na talaga ako… ’Di ako pwedeng magutom.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “May ulcer ka ba?” I asked, worried, because if that’s the case, screw everyone else dahil papakainin ko na talaga si Anj. Masama sa acidic na magutom.

She shook her head and sheepishly smiled. “I’m…” she trailed. “I’m pregnant.”

My eyes widened. “Really?!” She nodded. “Oh, my God! Congrats, Anj!” I said as I hugged her. “I’m gonna love that baby so much!”

She laughed. “Thank you! Ninang ka, ha?”

“Of course! Aawayin kita if hindi ako ninang! Oh, my God! Ilang months na? Kailan mo pa alam?” I excitedly asked.

“Six weeks pa lang,” she replied.

“I’m so happy for you,” I said, hugging her again.

“Thank you… I wish you happiness, too, Jo… You deserve it…”

I smiled. “Nah. I’m fine. Okay na ako na maging Generous Tita ng mga magiging anak niyo.”

She frowned. “Ano ka ba? Bakit ka ganyan?”

“Wala lang. Maybe this is really my role in life? Okay naman na ako. I already made peace with it.”

“Ayun na? Suko ka na?”

Umiling ako. “Hindi sa suko, Anj… Masaya naman ako. Kami ni Psalm. I just don’t want to ask for more… I don’t want to be disappointed… Pagod na akong maramdaman ’yun.”

Kasi hindi dapat umaasa.

Kasi dapat masaya ka sa kung ano’ng meron.

A wise man once said that ’discontent starts from comparison. ’Di naman lahat pare-pareho. ’Yung meron ka, wala sila. ’Yung wala ka, meron sila. Ganon talaga. ‘Di pwede na meron lahat.’ Kaya dapat maging masaya na ako sa kung ano ang meron ako. I have a happy family, a promising career… and Psalm.

Dapat akong makuntento.

A few minutes after, dumating na silang lahat. They all gave me their gifts. Napa-simangot talaga ako nang makita ko na naman na microwave ang regalo ni Steele sa akin. Nakaka-ilan na akong microwave! Nabigyan ko na yata lahat ng kakilala ko!

“May investment ka ba sa pagawaan ng microwave?” naka-simangot kong tanong kay Steele na tinawanan lang ako. “Sa susunod na birthday ko, kapag nakita ko pa rin ’to, ikaw ima-microwave ko.”

Steele laughed. “Sungit mo naman ngayon, Jo. May dalaw ka ba o naglilihi?”

Halos mabulunan si Psalm sa narinig niya. Sinamaan ko nang tingin si Steele. Ayoko ngang nag-uusap tungkol sa ganito sa paligid ni Psalm, e!

Thankfully, Anj was quick to assess the situation kaya naman pinaupo niya na kami. As childish as it seemed, they all sang Happy Birthday for me. It’s one of the things I looked forward to every year. Iyong ganito. Na kahit iba-iba na talaga iyong tinatahak namin, at the end of the day, we’re still here for each other.

“So… ano’ng feeling na 30 ka na?” Matt asked. “Lola ka na, Joey. May white hairs ka na ba?”

“Fuck you. 30 ka na rin next month!”

He laughed. “Ang sungit mo nga, Joey! May dalaw ka ba o naglilihi?” he asked, too.

They began to talk about other things. Ako? Napa-isip kung kailan ang huling dalaw. I made a mental computation inside my head. Oh, fuck. Agad akong napatayo para pumunta sa CR.

“Are you okay?” Psalm asked.

I nodded because my throat felt too dry to speak. Psalm was about to ask me something again, but I quickly excused myself. I just needed to check.

Mabilis kong ini-lock iyong pintuan. My hands were shaking dangerously habang hinahanap ko sa bag ko iyong pregnancy test. But I was trembling so badly that my hands couldn’t function properly. I had no choice but to shake out the contents of my bag.

Panay ang hinga ko nang malalim habang hinihintay ang resulta. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto kong makita… kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari.

Paano kung buntis ako? Would he marry me just because he’d feel responsible?

But what if his fear was stronger that his responsibility? Ano’ng sasabihin ko sa anak ko? Na kaya hindi kami kasal ng tatay niya ay dahil niloko ko siya dati?

My head felt like spinning! Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. Suddenly, I felt so scared. Suddenly, the world felt like its closing in on me.

God, what would I do?

Halos manginig ang kamay ko bago ko subukan na tignan ang resulta. Panay ang paghinga ko nang malalim. Panay ang paalala sa sarili na kakayanin ko anuman ang mangyari… Na magiging maayos din ang lahat…

“Joey?” I heard Psalm’s voice outside the door. “Babe, are you all right? I’m starting to get worried.”

Pasikip nang pasikip ang dibdib ko. Pinilit kong kumalma, pero hindi ko magawa. Sinubukan kong magsalita, ngunit walang lumalabas sa bibig ko.

“Joey… Joey, what’s happening?” he asked again. “Joey?” he called again.

“O-okay lang ako,” pinilit kong sabihin. Gusto ko siyang umalis bago ko tignan kung anuman ang resulta. Ayoko na makita niya akong ganito. Ayoko na makita niya kung ano ang tunay kong nararamdaman sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko.

That I wanted to get married.

I wanted a big church wedding.

Then have kids with him.

But I guess none of that will happen. Because until now, he couldn’t fully forgive me. He couldn’t fully trust me. Just a fucking almost forgiveness… almost trust… We’re still not quite in the place where I thought we’d be at.

“Open the door. Please.”

Pinilit kong kumalma, pero ang traydor kong mga luha ay isa-isang pumatak. Sinubukan kong punasan, pero mas mabilis ang pagbagsak nila mula sa aking mga mata.

“Psalm, please leave…” I croaked. I couldn’t pretend to be strong in front of him right now. I felt all the hurt I’d been hiding all these time. Lahat ng sakit na pilit kong itinago dahil ayokong ipakita sa kanya ang tunay kong nararamdaman.

“No. Joey, please open the door so we can talk.”

“Ayokong mag-usap. Iwan mo muna ako. Please.”

“I’ll break this door,” he warned. “I’m serious. Open the door, Joey.”

Pinilit kong tumayo. Pinilit na patigilin ang luha. Pinilit na pakalmahin ang sarili. Puro pinilit. Pinilit dahil hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko mapigilan ang paglabas ng lahat ng emosyon na matagal kong kinimkim. Lahat ng tanong na pilit kong kinalimutan. Lahat ng sagot na pilit kong hindi inalam.

Kasi takot ako.

Na mawala siya.

Kaya mas pinili kong tanggapin kung ano lang ang kaya niyang ibigay… Umaasa na baka isang araw, makuntento ako… Na hindi na maghanap pa…

“W-what?” I asked after I opened the door. I wiped the tears from my eyes, but I knew that he could still see me crying. “B-bumalik ka na dun. Susunod ako.”

He took a step.

Napaatras ako.

“What’s happening?” he asked. “Are you sick again? I told you to take it easy.”

Umiling ako. “Wala nga… Sige na, doon ka na. Mag-aayos lang ako. Susunod na ako.”

But instead of heeding to my request, he closed the door behind him. Halos magdikit kaming dalawa. Hindi niya binibitawan ang aking mga mata.

“Joey,” pagtawag niya sa akin. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Umiling ako. Pumatak ang luha. “W-wala,” sabi ko habang mukhang tanga na pinupunasan ang bawat pagpatak. “Okay lang ako…” pagpapatuloy ko habang pabilis nang pabilis ang pagtulo.

Umigting ang kanyang panga. “You know I don’t like it when you lie.”

I smiled. With tears falling down. “I’m not lying,” I said. Because how could I tell him the truth, when the very truth that I was hiding was the one that he didn’t want to confront? Because he’s scared?

But it was my fault.

It’s still my fault.

“Joey, please…”

Pinilit kong ngumiti. Umaasa na baka mapawi nun ang sakit na dinadala ng bawat pagpatak ng luha. “Wala nga kasi. Bakit ba ayaw mong maniwala?”

“How can I believe that you’re fine when tears keep on falling?”

“Kasi okay nga lang ako! Bakit ba ayaw mong maniwala?!”

His lips parted. Surprised by the tone of my voice.

But I was tired…

I was so fucking tired…

“Okay lang ako, Psalm! Okay lang ako na ganito tayo! Na wala kang balak na pakasalan ako! Okay lang ako!” patuloy kong sigaw sa kanya. “Kasi ’di ba kasalanan ko?! Kasalanan ko na niloko kita dati kaya hanggang ngayon, pinagbabayaran ko pa rin! Putangina, kasalanan ko naman kasi talaga! Kaya please ’wag mo na akong tanungin kasi okay lang ako! Kasi wala naman akong choice kundi maging okay kasi kasalanan ko naman!”

My chest was heaving with the kept anger.

My eyes were hurting from all the tears I cried.

“Psalm, tanggap ko naman! Na kasalanan ko! Nagsorry na ako dati… Sabi ko sa ’kin okay na… Pero hindi ka naman pala okay… Hirap na hirap na ko kasi ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin para mapatawad mo ako?” tanong ko sa kanya. Hindi na ako maka-hinga. Ang sikip na ng dibdib ko. Ang sakit na ng puso ko. “Nahihirapan na ko… Nasasaktan na ko… Pagod na pagod na akong intindihin ka… Kasi hanggang kailan mo ba ako pagdududahan? Hanggang kailan mo ba ako parurusahan?”

Hindi ko na alam kung hanggang saan ko pa kayang intindihin siya… ipagtanggol siya… ipaliwanag sa iba kung bakit hanggang ngayon hanggang dito lang kami…

Pagod na pagod na ako.

Tinignan ko siya.

“Itong hawak ko, pregnancy test. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na hindi kita pipilitin na pakasalan ako. Kung hindi mo gusto… kung hanggang ngayon natatakot ka pa rin na isang araw, baka biglang may bagong Marcus na naman na dumating,” sabi ko habang pilit na pinupunasan ang bawat luhang kumakawala.

“Are you pregnant?” he asked.

“I don’t know. But if I am, I won’t force you. Kasi pagod na pagod na akong patunayan ’yung sarili ko… Isang beses lang naman akong nagkamali… Bakit ba hindi mo ako mapatawad?”

Pinunasan ko iyong luha ko. Tinignan iyong resulta.

“Congrats,” I told him, smiling. “You’ll be a father. But don’t worry, you don’t need to make me your wife.”

Lumabas ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay unti-unti na akong sinasakal sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Natatakot ako sa mga mangyayari. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Natatakot ako kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sa anak ko kung bakit hindi kami kasal ng Papa niya… Natatakot ako na baka sisihin niya rin ako…

Nakita kong naka-tingin sa aming lahat ang mga kaibigan namin. Bakas ang awa sa mga mata nila. I knew I was pathetic… I could see it in their eyes.

“Joey—”

“Psalm, please. Pagod na ako. ’Wag ngayon.”

“Please look at me.”

“I’m not breaking up with you. Tayo pa rin. Tatay ka ng anak ko. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na hindi mo ako kailangang pakasalan kung ayaw mo… Hindi na ako aasa… Tanggap ko na… Tinatanggap ko na…”

I tried to breathe, but my chest was heaving.

“Joey…” Anj said. “Turn around,” she continued, and all of them nodded.

Slowly, I turned around. My lips parted as I saw Psalm down on his knee… With a velvet box in his hand.

“Psalm—”

“Ako muna, please,” he said. I nodded. My tears began to pour once again. “The reason why I was so adamant on getting you out of the comfort room was that I needed to propose before the clock strikes twelve.”

“H-ha?” tanong ko habang patuloy lang sa pagbagsak ang mga luha ko. Halos hindi ko na siya makita dahil sa pag-iyak ko. Hindi ko na alam ang mararamdaman ko. Para bang sasabog na lamang ako sa saya.

“I know you’ve been very worried about turning 30… That you wanted to get engaged before you’re 30… So, I wanted to propose to you when you’re still 29…” he said. Then, he looked at his watch. “Three minutes to twelve, baby. I’ll propose fast. Is that okay?”

I nodded, with my hands on my mouth because my heart felt like exploding.

Psalm smiled. “Joey… Joey, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. We started out as friends. It took me a long time before I realized that you’re the only person I wouldn’t mind getting hurt over and over again for… Before, I thought I was just being protective because you’re my friend… But the longer we spent time together, the more I realize that there’s more to it. That maybe I love you. That maybe… finally… I found love.

“I love everything about you, Joey. Even the negative traits, I love them. Because you’re not you were it not for them… I’m sorry, baby, if it took me a long time to propose. I was just scared. And I am still scared. I’m scared that one day, you’ll leave me. I don’t want that to happen. I can’t handle it. I won’t be able to handle it.”

My eyes were on him.

My heart was for him.

“Psalm, 30 seconds na lang,” paalala ni Steele. Binatukan siya ni Anj. “What? I’m just worried! Dapat 29 and engaged si Joey, hindi 30 and engaged!”

Psalm laughed a little, then opened the box. My heart constricted at the sight of the ring. It was beautiful.

“Jocelyn Alexandra Yuchengco…” he said, looking me in the eye. “Will you—”

“Yes!” I shouted.

Everyone laughed. Psalm bit his lower lip. “Baby, let me finish,” he said. “Will you marry me? Be my wife? Be the mother of my kids?”

I nodded eagerly. “Yes, yes, and yes!”

Tumayo si Psalm. Lumapit siya, at saka isinuot ang singsing sa daliri ko. Mabilis ko siyang niyakap. Naramdaman ko ang halik niya sa tuktok ng ulo ko.

“I love you, Joey…” he said.

I buried my head against his chest. “I love you, Psalm… I’ll only love you… I’ll spend the remaining days of my life proving to you my love…” sabi ko bago lumapit ang mga kaibigan namin at niyakap kaming dalawa. I couldn’t help but smile.

Maybe this is what happy ending feels like. It certainly is worth the wait.