Hidden Me

Ayaw kong kaawaan niyo ako, or magpapansin, i just want to share kasi wala akong makausap pagdating dito sa mga topic na ito, sa paraang ito nababawasan ang bigat ng nadarama ko.

Hi i just want to share my struggles, its about myself, i think am not straight? Pero ayaw ko… Naguguluhan ako i don’t want to be like this man. Nahihirapan ako, i dont want to be, but I cannot control.. naatract ako sa men… My family is homophobic and i try to persuade myself that i am a man not gay, i don’t want to be like this… I am offended when they call me gay, but i dont want to be called to, i don’t want judgement, i just want to live, i don’t understand bakit kinukutya ng straights ang mga ganito. I act like man but sometimes i cannot hide myself. I am hurt when they judge me, as much as possible i am trying to be good so they will like me as a person. Kapag nakakasama ko ang mga homophobic straights na kaibigan ko i stay silent because natatamaan ako, diko naman sila masisisi kasi akala nila im part of them, diko rin tanggap ang sarili ko and i just want to disappear, bakit di nalang ako naging straight? Edi sana diko pinagdadaanan ang ganito… Im loosing my self dagdag pa ang pagbaba ng confidence ko, i am a top student, now i am depressed, naapektuhan ng kaguluhan ng utak ko ang sarili kong katawan at isip , ganon din ang social life ko.

Gusto kong maging malaya pero the consequences are high, I want to leave far away never come back and live my life to the fullest, i promised myself na after i graduate i will become independent i will disconnect myself to my friends and kakilala, pupunta ako sa walang nakakakilala sa akin. Yun ay kung makakaya kopa mag survive, Why can’t they leave me be, hindi yung pinaguusapan ako behind, so what if i am not straight? Sometimes i cannot take it, there comes to my mind na sana dina ako nagexist? Life is suffering, it realy is…..

Sa mga nagtatanong kung bakit ako ganto. Ehh hindi naman nila alam kung gaano ko sinubukang hindi maging ganito,

I’ve tried, nag jowa ako ng babae pero hiniwalayan ko kasi, di niya deserve ang tulad ko, yung ibibigay nya ang pagmamahal niya pero na aatract parin ako sa iba.

Hiniwalayan ko siya but i stayed for her as friend, for 5 years we stayed friends and now she found herself in another man who loves her much, i am hurt, i can’t contain her yet i cant bear to loose her, now i distance myself, shes happy and i am not, I cried because that should be me with her, kung hindi lang ako bakla edi sana masaya kami ngayon.. until now hindi niya alam na di ako straight, na nagmahal siya ng manloloko.

I want to disappear… I am alive but not living… I just continue what i am doing, studying, working, surviving because i aam nowhere to be, no one wants me, i don’t want myself either, why me? Why?

Why?