Aius

“Nothing has changed. He’s still the angel in rebellion.”

— HiroYuu101

Synopsis

WARNING:

This story contains sensitive topics i.e. anxiety, depression/suicidal depression, etc. that are not suitable and may be triggering for some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

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SYNOPSIS:

The game finally ended.

Everyone is now living their lives normally, the only thing that they wanted ever since. Living happily without thinking that their lives are in danger with every tick of the clock.

And that’s what he wanted too. For his friends to get the life they deserve.

But what does he want for himself?

He didn’t know. For the only thing—only person he wanted to spend his life with is now gone.

Will he ever get his only wish?

This is the story of a King struggling living in a castle without his Queen.

First Letter

A̶n̶g̶e̶l̶a̶,̶

̶I̶ ̶h̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶

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T̶o̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶a̶n̶g̶e̶l̶,̶ ̶

I̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶’̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶

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L̶o̶v̶e̶,̶ ̶

̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶

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Dear Angela,

I miss you.

Sincerely, Lucius

Prologue

“No… No… Angela… Run!”

I couldn’t move. I wanted to run near her. To save her from the man behind her who was pointing a gun at her. But, fuck… No matter how I try, I couldn’t fucking move.

“L-Lester…”

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at napatitig sa mukha n’ya. She looked so pale. Some strands of her hair were now on her face. Her eyes were bloodshot because of unshed tears. She was trying to walk towards me for a while now but it seemed like with every step, our distance was just growing bigger. Kahit hindi ako gumagalaw at nananatili lang na nakatayo sa harap n’ya, hindi pa rin lumiliit ang distansya namin.

I saw the man load his gun. He has an evil smirk plastered on his lips. Kinabahan agad ako. I tried to move again but couldn’t.

“Angela!” I called to warn her about the man.

Pero nanatili lang ang tingin sa akin ni Angela. There was that determined look on her face. She wanted to get near me. It took all her strength to walk towards me. Kahit pa mas lumalayo lang ang distansya namin sa isa’t isa, hindi pa rin s’ya sumuko sa paglapit sa ’kin.

“Lester…”

I heard gunshots. Sunod-sunod. Nakakabingi sa ingay. I tried to break free from whatever’s holding me pero masyadong malakas ang pwersa at hindi pa rin ako makagalaw.

Hindi ko alam kung kaninong sigaw ang narinig ko. Kung kay Angela ba… o sa akin. Ang alam ko lang, pakiramdam ko ay tinamaan rin ako ng bala. The pain was unbearable as I watched Angela falling to the ground.

Ang sunod kong namalayan ay hawak ko na s’ya sa mga bisig ko. I was on the floor, holding her body full of blood. Her eyes were just fixated on me. Parang ayaw umiwas ng tingin. Parang ayaw na mawala ako sa paningin n’ya.

“Angela—”

May bumara sa lalamunan ko. Nanlalabo na rin ang paningin habang nakatingin kay Angela sa mga bisig ko. My hands were trembling so much.

Damn it! I knew this was going to happen. Alam ko na! But fuck. Why can’t I still do anything? Why can’t I do anything to save her?

“Angela, I’m sorry… I’m sorry.”

She was looking at me and I couldn’t do anything but weep as I watched her slowly losing her life. Hindi n’ya inalis ang tingin sa akin hanggang sa unti-unti kong nakita ang pagkawala ng buhay sa mga mata n’ya.

“Angela!”

The scene changed. Nasa loob na ako ng kwarto ko sa private suit ng hotel na ako mismo ang humahawak. It was dark and quiet. Compared to the fast beating of my heart.

Another nightmare again.

I took a deep breath. Mariin kong naipikit ang mga mata ko, sinusubukang kalimutan kung anong napanaginipan ko. But it was hard.

How can I forget it when it really happened in my life? Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang nangyaring ’yon.

“Lester.”

Natigilan ako. Muling napadilat pero ang madilim na kisame sa kwarto ko ang sumalubong sa akin. I thought I heard a soft voice. Isang boses na kilalang-kilala ko kung sino ang may-ari. She was the only one who called me by that name too.

Pero tahimik ang paligid. Maybe, I was just imagining it because of what I dreamt earlier.

“Lester,” I heard that voice again and this time, I knew that it wasn’t just my imagination.

Bahagya akong bumangon pero natigilan nang makita ang isang babaeng nakatayo sa may paanan ng kama ko. My lips parted as I stared at her. Hindi ko inalis ang paningin ko sa kanya habang tuluyang umuupo sa kama.

“Angela…” I muttered her name, still not believing what I’m seeing.

It was her. The love of my life. She was wearing a simple white dress that reached her knees. 

Ang tuwid at mahaba n’yang buhok ay nakalugay lang like how I remembered. I remembered how I love to caress that soft long hair.

She was looking at me and I couldn’t help but stare at her. She still looked the same. The same innocent girl I loved and will ever love.

“Am I still dreaming?” halos bulong kong tanong.

Angela was here in front me, looking at me. Hindi ko na magawang alisin ang tingin ko sa kanya. Ni hindi ko magawang kumurap. Natatakot ako na sa oras na gawin ko ’yon, mawala na naman s’ya sa paningin ko. And I would suffer again in a world without her. In a world where I couldn’t see her.

I could feel the tightening in my chest as I stared at her. God… It’s been so long since I was able to stare at that beautiful innocent face. It’s been so long since I heard her lovely voice. I thought I wouldn’t see her again. I thought I wouldn’t be able to hear her voice again.

But she’s here now… Right in front of me.

“Lester… Paano mo nagawa sa akin ’to?” she asked.

Natigilan ako sa tanong n’ya. The happiness inside me quickly died when I saw the anger in her eyes. It was hurting me, so much that it felt like my heart was being ripped apart into pieces. At damang-dama ko ang lahat ng ’yon habang nakatingin kay Angela.

But I couldn’t look away. I wouldn’t look away. I don’t want to lose her again. So if it means that it’ll hurt me just for her to stay by my side, then so be it. I just want to see her again. To hear her voice. Wala na akong pakialam kung mamatay pa ako sa sakit.

And I know that I’m at fault too. I was the reason why it happened. Tama lang kung magalit s’ya sa akin.

“Bakit?” puno ang sakit sa boses na tanong n’ya.

I stared at her while trying to find the answer to her question. Pero wala akong mahanap na dahilan kung bakit kailangan mangyari ang lahat nang iyon sa kanya. Wala akong maisagot sa kanya.

“I’m sorry…” was all I could manage to say.

Fuck… How could I ask for her forgiveness when I couldn’t even forgive myself?

“Ang dami mong kasalanan sa ’kin,” there was accusation in her voice. “Nagsinungaling ka. Hindi mo sinabi sa ’kin kung sino ka talaga.”

“I’m sorry…”

I could feel my hands trembling slightly as I stared at her, hearing everything she was saying. But fuck, it’s okay. As long as I could see her, as long as I could stare at her face again. It’s okay…

“Pinatay ako nang hindi ko alam kung bakit. Wala naman akong kasalanang ginawa. Bakit kailangan kong mamatay?”

Tears fell down from her eyes. Gustong-gusto kong lumapit sa kanya para punasan ang mga luha n’ya pero napapatigil ako sa tuwing naaalala kong ako ang dahilan ng mga luhang ’yon.

“I’m sorry…” my voice croaked.

“Ang sabi mo, poprotektahan mo ko. Nagtiwala ako sa ’yo. Pero binigo mo ko. Hindi mo ko nagawang protektahan.”

I had to take a deep breath. Hindi na yata ako humihinga sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko. I couldn’t breathe. The pain was too much and it’s killing me.

She was right. I couldn’t protect her. Ang tanga ko para isipin na mas ligtas s’ya kung nasa tabi ko lang s’ya. Pero mas pinalala lang no’n ang sitwasyon.

“I’m sorry, Angela. I’m sorry…”

The pain as I tried to take several deep breaths was excruciating. I was trying to breathe to stay alive, to keep myself alive. But it was painful.

I stared at Angela. The anger in her eyes was so much that it could burn me. The regret was also there, regret for meeting me. And the pain…

No, please… I couldn’t take it anymore. Stop. The pain was too much.

Napatingin ako sa damit n’ya nang makita ang unti-unting pagkalat ng pulang likido doon. I tried to reach her, to stop the bleeding, to mend her pain but she just stepped away from me. Na para bang ayaw n’yang mahawakan ko s’ya. Na para bang mas gusto n’ya pang masaktan kaysa sa mahawakan ko.

“Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako namatay, Lucius! Ikaw!”

I thought that I would feel the happiest when she would finally call me by my real name. But fuck, sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. The tightening in my chest was too much I don’t know what to do. Sinubukan kong kumuha ng malalalim na paghinga pero wala akong hangin na makuha.

“I’m sorry… God, I’m so sorry…”

“Ikaw ang pumatay sa akin! Ikaw!” she shouted.

Halos mabingi ako sa sigaw na ’yon. Sigaw na unti-unting pumupunit sa puso ko. Sigaw na nagpapasakit sa buong pagkatao ko.

“Pinatay mo ko, Lucius! Pinatay mo ko!”

I winced in pain. I couldn’t take it anymore. Tinakpan ko ang dalawang tenga ko para hindi ko na marinig ang sigaw ni Angela. I wanted to hear her voice pero hindi ko na makaya ang sakit.

Mas diniinan ko pa ang pagkakatakip sa tenga ko pero naririnig ko pa rin ang sigaw n’ya. It feels like it was already in my brain so no matter how I tried to cover my ears, I could still hear her scream. It was just getting louder and louder that my ears started to bleed.

“Ikaw ang pumatay sa akin, Lucius! Namatay ako nang dahil sa ’yo!”

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” paulit-ulit ko lang sinasabi ’yon. I couldn’t even do anything but apologize.

Kahit maubos pa ang boses ko, kahit sumakit pa ang lalamunan ko. Hindi ako titigil sa paghingi ng tawad sa kanya.

Angela was still screaming. It’s making me crazy pero wala akong magawa para pigilan s’ya. I didn’t even try to stop her.

It was the truth.

“Nagsisisi akong nakilala pa kita. Hindi sana ako namatay kung hindi kita nakilala!”

“I’m sorry, Angela! I’m sorry.”

“Sana hindi na lang kita nakilala!”

“I’m so sorry…”

“Sana hindi na lang kita minahal, Lucius!”

“Angela, no!”

I jolted awake with the sound of my phone ringing on my bedside table. But I couldn’t care less about it as I felt excruciating pain in my chest. Like my heart stopped and just started beating again. I winced in pain and tried to get up, trying to calm the fast beating of my heart.

Sumandal ako sa headboard ng kama at ilang sandaling nanatili sa gano’ng posisyon. I took several deep breaths. Unti-unti nang nawawala ang sakit. I realized I was sweating bullets and was even breathing hard.

I had another nightmare about Angela. Again. Hindi ko na mabilang kung pang-ilang beses nang nagyari sa akin ang ganoon. Magigising sa umaga nang hinihingal at masakit ang dibdib. Sometimes, my face was wet with tears too.

But I don’t care. I deserve it.

Napatingin ako sa phone kong nakapatong sa bedside table nang muling tumunog iyon. I took it and tried to get out of bed. I groaned when I felt my head was aching so bad. Like someone was trying to crack it open.

Sinagot ko ang tawag habang naglalakad papunta sa glass wall na nahaharangan ng itim na kurtina.

“Fucker! Where are you?” bungad sa akin ng tumawag pagkasagot ko. It was Hunter.

I frowned and opened the curtains. Nasilaw pa ako sa sinag ng araw.

“What?” I asked.

“Anong what?” halata ang inis sa boses ni Hunter. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. “Nakalimutan mo yata na ngayon ang kasal ni Kylo?”

Dahil sa sinabi n’ya ay nailayo ko ang phone sa tenga ko para tignan ang date. I groaned inwardly.

November 15th.

“Shit,” I cursed. Nakalimutan ko.

“Pupunta ka pa ba?”

“Yeah… Yeah, of course,” sagot ko habang nagmamadaling naglakad papunta sa banyo para maligo.

“Bilisan mo. Nandito na kami lahat sa simbahan.”

“Alright,” I said and ended the call.

Damn it! How could I even forget what date it is today?! Bakit ba kasi kagabi ko pa naisipang uminom?!

I looked at the clock and cursed when I saw what time it was. I only have a few minutes left to fix myself. Ayoko namang pumunta sa simbahan ng amoy alak kaya kailangan kong maligo.

The feeling of the cold water helped me calm down a bit. It kinda cleared the chaos in my head. Bahagya din nawala ang sakit ng ulo ko. But the pain in my chest was still strong. I bet nothing could take the pain away.

Every night, every damn time I was falling asleep, hindi pwedeng hindi ko mapapanaginipan ang tungkol kay Angela. Ang nangyari sa kanya. It was painful, to remember the way she dies. I could still feel her cold and lifeless body while I was holding her.

It was torture.

Natakot akong makatulog nang dahil doon. I tried to keep myself awake for so long. Pero hindi ko rin nakakayanan kaya kung minsan ay nakakatulog ako. And I would always dream about Angela.

I wasn’t planning to sleep last night. Umiwas na rin ako sa alak pero kagabi, hindi ko mapigilan ang uminom. Then I fell asleep.

I didn’t drink alcohol for so long until last night. I guess it was because her death anniversary was only a few weeks away.

Narinig kong tumutunog ulit ang phone paglabas ko ng banyo. Napamura ako. Hindi ko na sinagot ang tawag at nagmadali na lang sa pag-aayos. Sumakay ako ng kotse at nag-drive papunta ng simbahan. Doon ko lang din sinubukang isuot ang necktie ko using one hand.

Marami na nga ang tao nang makarating ako sa simbahan. Dumiretso ako sa loob at nakita ang mga kaibigan ko na nagkukumpulunan sa gitna. Their wives were with them. Mukhang hinihintay na lang ang pagdating ng bride.

Isa-isa ko silang tinignan. They were all here. Except for Gray.

“Lucius!” It was Creed who first noticed me. Naglingunan sila. I puffed a breath when I went near them.

“Akala namin hindi ka na pupunta,” it was Hunter. I let out a chuckle.

“Pwede ba ’yon?”

“Anong oras na kasi pero wala ka pa!” He looked irritated.

I smirked at them. “Na-late lang ng gising.”

“It isn’t like you,” Creed commented.

Yeah… He’s right. It wasn’t like me waking up late and being the last one to arrive on an occasion like this. Noong kasal nina Creed at Hunter, isa pa ako sa mga tumulong noon. Pero iba ngayon.

Malapit na ang death anniversary n’ya. Kaya siguro naaapektuhan na naman ako.

I just shrugged my shoulders and didn’t say anything. I don’t want to ruin this day. I don’t want them to know that right now, I’d rather be alone in my room and drank myself to death.

Natahimik sila. I know even if I didn’t say anything, they knew. Nakakaramdam sila. Baka nga alam nila ang dahilan kung bakit ako na-late ngayon. But nobody tried to open that topic.

Nobody. Ever since the game ended.

“Your tie is crooked,” it was Eresh who spoke.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. She was looking at my tie before her eyes met mine. There was something in them I didn’t even want to know. So I looked down at my tie.

Yeah. My tie was crooked.

I was about to fix it when Artemis stood in front of me. I looked at her and she smiled at me.

“Let me,” she offered. Tumango lang ako at s’ya na ang nag-ayos ng tie ko para sa ’kin.

“Thanks,” I said when she finished fixing my tie. She just smiled and returned to Hunter’s side.

“Nasa’n nga pala si Kylo?” I asked when I noticed the groom wasn’t with them.

“He’s outside. Vaping,” Loki said.

“Kinakabahan ang gago,” Creed said as he chuckled.

“Creed, nasa simbahan tayo,” saway ni Fatima sa kanya. The fucker just apologized to his wife like a good kid.

“Parang kayo hindi kinabahan nu’ng kasal n’yo,” natatawa kong sabi. Lakas ng loob mang-asar. Sila din naman.

“Kinabahan din naman. But it was Kylo’s turn today kaya s’ya ang pagtatawanan namin ngayon,” depensa pa ni Creed. Hunter even agreed with him.

Napangisi na lang ako at napailing. These fuckers…

The wedding organizer announced the bride’s arrival. We did our part as the entourage. I tapped Kylo in the back when I got near him. Creed was beside him as his best man.

It was Ravi, Kylo and Amara Jean’s son, who was the ring bearer. I saw Kylo smirked as he watched his son walk down the aisle. Ilang saglit lang ay ang bride na ang naglalakad sa gitna.

I looked at Kylo. His eyes were just fixated on his bride. His eyes were bloodshot, mukhang pinipigilan ang umiyak. But he failed and tears fell from his eyes as he watched her slowly walking near him.

I looked at my friends. They all looked happy watching the bride march down the aisle. I looked away and stared at the big cross inside the church. I balled my fist, trying to stop the pain inside my chest.

This place was filled with happiness… and I felt so out of place.

Everyone around me already found their happiness… while I am still drowning in sorrow.

Chapter 1

Nakaupo kaming lahat sa isang malaking table na pabilog. Among the guests and the visitors, ang table lang namin ang may malaking grupo. Kylo said that he prepared that particular table just for us. He knew that none of us wouldn’t want to be seperated with others.

I was glad he did that. I don’t have the strength to mingle with others. Kanina ko pa napapansing may mga gustong kumausap sa akin. I bet it’s about business when they found out that I’m the owner of a big hotel chain. Maybe they were just waiting for an oppurtunity to talk to me kaya kanina pa ako hindi humihiwalay sa mga kaibigan ko.

I looked to the front where the bride and groom were sitting. The bride was smiling widely while Kylo was frowning. Katatapos lang magbigay ni Creed ng speech bilang best man at kung wala lang sa harapan, sigurado akong kanina pa pinaulanan ni Kylo ng mura si Creed dahil sa mga pinagsasabi n’ya.

Creed looked satisfied when he got off the mini stage. Pero hindi s’ya sa table namin dumiretso kundi doon sa buffet table kung nasaan ang mga pagkain. Wala sa sariling sinundan ko s’ya ng tingin. He talked to one of the staffs and I saw the staff shook his head. Napasimangot si Creed at muling bumalik sa stage.

“What’s the fucker doing?” tanong ni Hunter sa tabi ko na nakatingin rin pala kay Creed.

Creed approached Kylo and he whispered something to his ear. Kylo shook his head but the fucker looked like he’s convincing the groom to agree to what he said. Nakita ko ang inis sa mukha ni Kylo nang magsalita and even if I couldn’t hear it, I bet that he cursed at him. Nakasimangot tuloy ang gago nang maglakad pabalik sa table namin.

“What happened?” I asked Creed he finally sat down on my left. I saw his wife looking at him beside him, waiting for his answer.

“Ayaw akong bigyan ng lumping shanghai,” he said with a deep frown on his face. Mukhang masamang-masama ang loob dahil hindi napagbigyan.

I heard Hunter let out a chuckle. Natawa na rin ako.

“Fucker! Mamaya pa ang kainan!” Hunter said.

“I know,” nakasimangot pa ring sabi ni Creed.

“Kinausap mo si Kylo?” I asked. Maybe that’s what he whispered to him earlier.

“Oo, pero hindi pumayag,” halata ang pagtatampong sabi n’ya. “Isa lang, eh. ’Kala mo naman uubusin.”

“Hindi nga ba?” naunahan ako ni Death na itanong ’yon.

“That’s definitely a lie,” Eresh said with a smirk.

“Kaya nga. Hindi ka makukuntento sa isa lang. Baka maubos mo pa lahat ng lumpia, Creed,” his wife said beside him. She looked worried.

“Just wait na lang till it’s eating time na,” Artemis said.

Creed sighed. Masama ang loob na sumandal sa upuan n’ya.

“Paano kung maubos? Buffet pa naman,” he said with a worried look on his face. “Buti pa nu’ng kasal ni Helios. Hindi mahigpit. Lumpia lang, eh.”

“Hinigpitan talaga ni Kylo siguro ngayon dahil sa ’yo,” nang-aasar pang sabi ni Hunter.

Napangisi ako at umiling na lang. Creed’s obsession for lumpiang shanghai hasn’t change. For every celebration that we attended, iyon talaga ang unang hinahanap n’ya sa handa. And if he can’t find it? He’ll say that it’s not a real celebration if there’s no lumpiang shanghai.

I looked around the place. We were at the resort. Kylo rented the whole place for their wedding reception. Sa gitna ang isang malaking pool at ang mga table at upuan ay nasa gilid. Then there was a mini stage at the front for the program. Kanina pa nakaupo doon ang bride at ang groom. There was a host who was trying to entertain the crowd.

It was a big celebration. Sa unang tingin pa lang, halatang pinaghandaan at pinagkagastusan ang lahat. From the wedding, the entourage, and until here at the reception. There were a lot of guests. Mga naglalakihan at kilalang mga personalidad. I know as I already met some of them at business parties that I’ve attended.

I heard from Creed na nagtalo pa ang bride at ang groom tungkol doon. As the best man, he helped Kylo with the preparation. Ang sabi pa ng gago, akala n’ya daw ay hindi na matutuloy ang kasal dahil nga nagtalo pa ang dalawa. Tarantado talaga.

The bride wanted to have a simple wedding while Kylo wanted something big. He wanted to give her the best. To give her everything. Mukhang gustong bumawi sa pitong taong nagkahiwalay sila.

I looked at the two people who were the center of attraction that night and stared at them. Kylo was whispering something to his bride. Nakita ko ang pagsimangot ng babae habang malaki naman ang ngisi ni Kylo. But after a while, the bride finally smiled as she rolled her eyes at him. Kylo looked like he chuckled before he planted a kiss on her cheeks.

The two looked happy. I never imagined I would be seeing Kylo with this expression. Ibang-iba sa nakasama ko sa mga misyon. Ibang-iba sa Plutus na nakilala ko. Even from the distance, I could see how his eyes glint with happiness as he looked at his wife. It was so new to me.

I could still remember when he said na hindi raw s’ya magpapakatanga sa babae. Wala sa sariling napatawa ako. Mga gago yata ang mga kaibigan ko. Madalas kinakain ang sinasabi. Ang aga kasing nagsalita ng mga tarantado.

I see Kylo as someone who doesn’t have the will to fix his life. He was someone who will just go with the flow. Like he’s not hoping that something will happen that would change his life for the better.

Now, I’m glad… It looked like he had found that someone.

“Codee! You’re not allowed to drink wine or any alcohol! Buntis ka.”

Naagaw ang atensyon ko nang marinig ang boses ni L. Hindi masyadong nagsasalita si L kaya napapatingin talaga ako kapag nagsasalita na s’ya. And it looked like he caught everyone at the table’s attention too.

“Sorry, L. Nakalimutan ko…” Codee said as she put down the glass of wine on the table.

L sighed. Napasandal s’ya sa upuan habang nakatitig sa asawa n’ya.

“Mag-ingat ka naman, Codee. Buntis ka. You should worry for our child’s safety as well,” he said.

Codee looked like she was on the verge of crying when L scolded her. Nagulat ako doon. I know that she’s a soft one but not this soft na pinagsabihan lang ni L ng kaunti ay maiiyak na.

“Sorry… Nakalimutan ko lang talaga.” Her lips even quivered. “It won’t happen again.”

“I’m sorry too,” L said. Mas mahinahon na ngayon. “Nag-alala lang ako.”

Codee sobbed. L took a deep breath before he pulled his wife for a hug. He kissed her hair as he tried to comfort her.

Napakunot ang noo ko habang nakatingin sa dalawa.

“Well, that looks complicated,” hindi ko na mapigilang ikomento.

Creed looked at the two. Natatawa s’yang nang tumingin sa akin.

“Ganyan talaga ang mga buntis. Mas malala pa nga d’yan si Maria,” he said. “Na-late lang ako ng isang minuto sa pag-uwi galing trabaho, umiiyak na. Akala iniwan ko na raw.”

Napasimangot si Fatima dahil sa naging kwento ng asawa. I noticed her cheeks were red because of embarassment. Natawa naman si Creed at nilambing ang asawa na ngayon ay nagtatampo sa ikinuwento sa lahat.

“Eresh was different as well,” Loki suddenly butted in. “Mas naging masungit pa.”

Eresh looked at him in disbelief.

“So you’re saying that I’m masungit?” she looked offended when she asked her husband.

“Hindi mo alam?” natatawang tanong ni Creed kaya nakatanggap s’ya nang matalim na tingin mula kay Eresh. 

“I’m not fucking talking to you, stupid lumpia glutton,” she hissed and Creed just laughed at her.

“Artemis was sensitive,” Hunter said. He smiled at his wife who was frowning at her. “But I just love her more because of that.

“Si V naman naging moody,” Death said. “Lalo na kay Crimson.”

 Natawa ako nang umirap sa kanya si V.

“Kung pag-usapan n’yo kami parang wala kami sa harapan n’yo, ’no?” she even said.

“How about having kids?” I asked. Curiosity was eating me. “Lahat kayo may anak na at magkakaanak n’ya. I heard it was like having a whole new world.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Loki chuckled. Mas dumoble pa ’yon nang irapan s’ya ni Eresh.

“It was frightening… and exhausting,” Hunter admitted. “Lalo na at madalas mag-away ’yung kambal.”

“Yeah, exhausting pero masaya,” Creed said. Tumingin s’ya sa asawa n’ya at ngumiti. “I couldn’t be any happier having my family.”

They continued the topic, exchanging stories about their wives and kids. I couldn’t bear to just listen with their stories kaya iginala ko na lang ang paningin ko, iniiwasan ang tingin ng mga taong gustong kumausap sa akin about business. The topic at the table was killing me pero hindi ko magawang umalis sa upuan ko.

I noticed Ravi who was wearing a white long sleeve polo with black suspenders connected to his black pants. There was a black bow tie on his neck. He was running towards our direction at napangiti ako nang makalapit s’ya.

“Hey, champ,” I greeted him. Kinarga ko s’ya at pinaupo sa mga hita ko. “You okay?”

He nodded before he looked up at me.

“Can I stay here, Tito Lucius? Ang boring po kasing kasama nina Lola at Lolo,” he said that made me laugh.

Napatingin ako sa pwesto kung nasaan ang mga magulang ng mga ikinasal. I was sensing an awkwardness between them but they were casual with each other. Nag-uusap naman pero nandoon pa rin ang ilangan. Maybe Ravi couldn’t keep up with them anymore kaya nagpunta na dito.

“Sure,” I said.

He beamed at me. “Thank you, Tito Lucius! You’re the best!” he said as he took out a phone to play.

Natawa ako sa sinabi n’ya. Binalingan naman s’ya ng iba pa naming kasama. They tried to entertain him but Ravi looked like he was more interested playing with his phone. Hindi na rin s’ya inistorbo ng iba at bumalik na sa kanya-kanyang kwentuhan.

Kylo and Jean joined us at the table when it’s already time to eat. Inasikaso rin si Ravi habang kumakain. Nagkaroon tuloy ng pagkakataon si Creed na magreklamo dahil dalawang lumpiang shanghai lang ang natanggap n’ya.

“Sa ’kin na lang mga lumpia n’yo. ’Di n’yo naman kakainin ’yan,” he even said.

“Sino may sabing hindi namin kakainin?” Hunter asked as he chuckled.

“Ang kuripot naman kasing magbigay! Dalawang lumpia lang? Really?” si Creed na halatang pinaparinggan si Kylo. But the groom was enjoying talking to his wife.

“Sa ’yo na lang ’yung akin, Creed,” Fatima said but Creed shook his head.

“Hindi. Hindi ka dapat mawalan ng lumpiang shanghai. Okay lang ’yung iba, ’wag lang ikaw.”

I chuckled. Tarantadong ’to. He’s making it seem like lumpiang shanghai is the best dish in the world.

“You can have mine,” I offered. Para lang matapos na.

Creed looked at me. He looked surprised. Pero maya-maya, kulang na lang ay kuminang ang mga mata dahil sa tuwa.

“Fucker… Hindi mo alam kung gaano mo pinasaya ang gabi ko,” he said. Natawa na lang ako sa katarantaduhan n’ya.

We continued eating again. Nagkaroon ng kanya-kanyang topic ang mga nasa table. The bride and Eresh were talking. I bet it was something about the gown. While their husbands were talking as well. Ang iba ay ang mga asawa na ang kausap nila.

I looked at them, one by one. I saw the happiness on their face. They were enjoying the party. While I could feel the exhaustion slowly enwrapping my body.

Kaya naman nang makauwi ako, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagod ko. Not just physically. Something inside me was exhausted as well.

Kanina, bago pa magsimula ang kasal, ang gusto ko na lang gawin ay umuwi at magpahinga. I just endured attending the reception as Kylo is my friend. I know that he was expecting me to attend his wedding. At nakakahiyang magpaalam na umuwi sa gitna ng kasiyahan kanina.

I tried drinking alcohol earlier with my friends, hoping that I would enjoy the party too. But to no avail. Mas lalo lang bumigat ang pakiramdam ko dahil doon.

Hindi ko pa ramdam ang pagod kanina. But now that I’m alone, it was the only thing I could feel. Plus the feeling of being alone in this dark and quiet condominium unit.

Pakiramdam ko ay naubos ang lakas ko sa pagpapanggap na makisama sa mga kaibigan ko. Sa pagpapanggap na masaya ako para sa kanilang lahat. When all I could feel was bitterness and envy. They all looked happy while I’m different. I was so different compared to them. Kitang-kita ko iyon kanina habang kasama ko sila.

I felt so out of place. Pakiramdam ko, hindi ako nababagay sa lugar na ’yon kaya gustong-gusto kong umuwi na lang. Nagkakasiyahan ang lahat. Masaya ang lahat. While I’m not.

I felt so alone. Kanina. Pero lalo na ngayon.

I smiled bitterly. Naalala ko ang mga mata ng mga kaibigan ko kanina habang kasama ang mga asawa nila. The look on Kylo’s eyes as he looked at his bride.

I wonder if I could be like them too. If something like that could happen to me too. If I could feel happiness again.

But I doubt it…

I know. ’Cause the only person who gave me happiness was now gone.

Chapter 2

I was inside a familiar room. It was so familiar. Nakatatak na sa isip ko ang bawat sulok, ang bawat mga gamit na nandoon na kahit yata nakapikit ako ay alam na alam ko kung saan nakapwesto ang lahat. I knew every part of this room like the back of my hand.

It was the only time like this that I wished I didn’t have a sharp mind. This was then that I wished my mind wasn’t trained to remember every detail with just two or three glances. Or at least I could take it out of my memory and forget. Kahit man lang ’yung detalye ng kwarto.

It was torture. The pain was even more excruciating like this.

I was having another nightmare. But I couldn’t do anything to wake myself up. Nakatayo lang ako roon, as if everything was happening again.

I couldn’t even make myself move when I saw Angela come out of the kitchen. I stared at her. Halo-halo ang mga nararamdaman ko. I was relieved to see her face again. Because I fucking miss her so damn much that this nightmare was enough for me if I could see her face once more. If I could see her again. Kahit masakit. Kahit ito pa ’yung araw na nagsimulang maging bangungot ang mga sumunod pang araw sa buhay ko.

It was okay. At least I could see her again.

“A-angela…”

She started to walk towards me. Nanlabo ang mga paningin ko habang hinihintay s’yang makalapit sa ’kin. It was fucking agonizing watching her doing her best just to get near me.

I remember how foolish I was back then. I felt relieved seeing her, I felt happy, not knowing what happened before this. Not knowing that I was already too late.

It must’ve been extremely painful for her to walk. I saw it clearly on her face. But I could also see the determination in her eyes. She wanted to come near me even if the pain almost killed her.

Tears fell from my eyes the moment I caught her, preventing her from falling. But I couldn’t feel anything from her. I couldn’t feel her warmth. She was cold. And I knew that even though I could at least see her like this, I would never feel the warmth of her body again.

Because the truth was, she was gone. She was dead. Sa ganitong paraan ko na lang ulit s’ya makikita.

Sinubukan n’yang ilapit ang bibig sa tenga ko. Nagsisikip ang dibdib ko sa sakit at hindi ko na pinag-aksayahan ng panahong punasan ang mga luhang tumutulo mula sa mga mata ko.

“I love you…”

And then I heard them. Those gunshots. Those six deafening gunshots.

Napabalikwas ako ng bangon. For a moment, I was disoriented. Ang akala ko ay naririnig ko pa rin ang mga putok ng baril na muntik ko pang takpan ang mga tenga ko dahil halos mabingi ako roon. Pero nang mas pakinggan ko ang tunog, it was actually the alarm from my bedside table.

I looked at it and reached out to stop the alarm. When the sound stopped, I stared at the date showing on the digital clock.

December 8.

I sighed.

“Of course, love… I did not forget.”

I heaved another deep breath. The beating of my heart was so fast that it was actually painful. Napansin ko ring halos maligo na ako sa sarili kong pawis kahit nakatodo ang lamig ng aircon sa kwarto ko.

I raked my fingers on my hair. It was also damped with sweat. Ilang sandali akong nanatiling nakaupo lang sa kama bago tuluyang tumayo.

Lumabas ako ng kwarto at agad na dumiretso sa mini bar. I took the alcohol bottle and poured a glass half. I drank it straight. Napangiwi ako sa init na dumaan sa lalamunan ko pababa hanggang sikumura.

A shitty breakfast. It was like this almost every day. After a nightmare. Which meant that I’m always having nightmares almost every night.

Mas lalo na nitong nakaraan. Habang papalapit ang araw na ’to. Gabi-gabi akong binabangungot.

Kung minsan ay alak na rin ang hapunan ko. I was hoping that it would help me sleep straight.

Dumiretso ako sa banyo at tinitigan ang sarili ko sa salamin. Itinukod ko ang mga kamay sa gilid ng lababo while staring at my reflection in the mirror.

I looked like shit. There were dark circles around my eyes. I just woke up but I looked like I haven’t slept for a year.

I chuckled blankly. Fuck.

I hate this fucking day. So much.

It was her birthday too. But that was what hurts the most.

I took a bath. I took my time doing my routine. I didn’t have any appointments today anyway. Glen always leaves this day free for me. Hindi ko rin naman kayang magtrabaho sa araw na ’to.

Halos wala sa sarili akong nag-ayos. My body was on auto-pilot. Gulong-gulo ang utak ko pati na rin ang dibdib ko at hindi na ako magtataka kung mamaya ay mapansin kong may mali sa ginawa ko o may maiwan man ako.

It was almost lunchtime when I finally headed out. I drove to the cemetery. I glanced at the passenger seat where I put the bouquet and the box of cake that I ordered for her.

Sa daan ay halos wala akong maramdaman. I felt empty. Ganito naman halos araw-araw. Pero mas malala ngayon. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kakulangan sa loob ng dibdib ko. Sa buhay ko.

There was that big hole inside of me. That void that I knew no one could ever fill.

Angela took almost all of me when she died. And there was nothing I could do to get it back. Wala na rin naman akong planong bawiin pa iyon sa kanya. She already owned me.

Para akong isang katawan na lang na nabubuhay sa mundo. Like an empty shell. I didn’t even know how I could even live with this feeling every fucking day.

It was a horrible feeling. But I deserve it.

I parked the car when I finally got to the cemetery and went out, taking the bouquet and the box of cake with me. I walked up to the mausoleum where she lies.

It was quiet. The wind was blowing gently as if easing the pain that was growing more and more in my chest with every step. Pero mas lalo lang iyong sumakit nang maisip kong baka si Angela ’yon. That she was comforting me right now.

She can’t. She shouldn’t. I was the reason why died.

Mas bumibigat ang bawat paghakbang ko. Ilang taon ko nang ginagawa ’yon. Ilang beses na akong dumadalaw sa puntod n’ya pero hindi nagbabago ang pakiramdam ko. Na para bang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat.

I still couldn’t believe that I would visit her like this. Na sa ganitong paraan ko na lang s’ya mabibisita, mapupuntahan. At kahit bisitahin ko man s’ya, hindi ko na magagawang makita pa s’ya.

Nandoon palagi ang pakiramdam na ayoko nang ituloy ang paghakbang ko. Because, that would only confirm the truth that she’s gone. That she’s dead. Because up until now, I had hoped that it was all a bad dream.

Nang marating ko na ang mausoleum ay halos hindi na ako makahinga sa sakit ng dibdib ko. My body was already numb with pain but I still managed to stand on my ground. Hindi ko magagawa ’yon kung hindi lang ako sanay sa sakit.

I took a deep and painful breath to stop the tears from forming in the corner of my eyes.

Stop it. I have no right to cry or even feel the pain. Not in front of her.

Sinubukan kong humakbang papasok pero agad ding napatigil nang mapansin kong may tao sa loob. Nakatalikod sa gawi ko at nakaharap sa puntod na nasa loob.

Paano s’ya nakapasok? This is private! Only the caretaker and I have the key to this!

The anger in me immediately bubbled up to my chest. Nagmamadali akong pumasok sa loob. Halos mandilim ang paningin ko sa galit pero iniingatan kong hindi madurog ang mga bulaklak na hawak ko.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

She whipped around. Halatang nagulat nang makita ako roon. Mas lalo lang nadagdagan ang galit sa dibdib ko. Galit dahil nagulat pa s’yang nakitang nandoon ako.

I was the one who should have been surprised! Damn her!

“L-Lucius…” She looked guilty.

Pumasok ako at nilagpasan s’ya para ipatong sa ibabaw ng puntod ang cake at ang bulaklak na dala ko. Nilingon ko si Ishtar na nakatitig lang sa ’kin.

“I’m asking you, Ishtar,” I said through my gritted teeth. I could also feel my hands trembling with rage. “What are you doing here and how the fuck did you get it?”

“It was… It was open.”

I glared at her. The anger in me was too much that I had to remind myself that I had once treated this woman in front of me as my family. That we were always together almost our whole lives.

I had to remind myself of those things dahil kung hindi, baka kung ano nang nagawa ko sa kanya. I was livid.

“I can’t believe you still have the guts to lie to me. After all that you’ve done.” Mariin ko s’yang tinitigan. “The caretaker wouldn’t leave this open. Kami lang dalawa ang may susi sa lugar na ’to. Tell me the truth, Ishtar, before I do something that will make this damn cemetery your home.”

Halos maiyak s’ya nang tumitig sa ’kin.

“I… I picked the lock, Lucius…”

Takot na takot si Ishtar habang nakatingin sa ’kin. Siguro dahil nakikita n’ya sa mukha ko kung gaanong katindi ang galit na nararamdaman ko. I couldn’t control it not to show on my face.

“I didn’t know you were this rude. Hindi mo man lang nirespeto kahit na pati ang puntod n’ya.”

“Lucius—”

“But I also had no idea you could do such a terrible thing to Angela.” Natawa ako pero alam naming pareho na walang laman iyon. “You never fail to surprise me, Ishtar…”

 “Pinagsisisihan ko naman ang ginawa ko,” she said but that just added to my anger.

Walang katapusang galit na yata ang mararamdaman ko para sa babaeng ’to.

My friends always told me that I was a calm person. Na kahit galit ako ay nagagawa kong kontrolin iyon. Na hindi humuhulagpos ang nararamdaman ko. And so, they always see me as the kindest one in the group.

But I knew to myself that I was not. They’re wrong. Dahil habang nakatingin ako kay Ishtar, milagro na lang na hanggang ngayon ay wala pa akong ginagawa para saktan s’ya.

“So what? Should that change anything?” I asked sarcastically. “Nananahimik na ’yung tao, Ishtar. Literal na nananahimik na. Ano ba’ng ginawang masama sa ’yo ni Angela at hanggang ngayon hindi mo pa rin s’ya tinitigilan?”

I was right with what I’ve said earlier. That she never fails to surprise me. Dahil mas nagulat pa yata ako nang bigla na lang s’yang umiyak sa harapan ko.

I clenched my teeth and moved my gaze away from her, but I could still hear her sobs. I was fucking mad. She really had the guts to cry in front of me. To weep within Angela’s mausoleum.

While there were times that I would stop myself from crying. Kahit na minsan ay hindi ko iyon mapigilan dahil sa sakit na hindi mawala-wala sa dibdib ko. Because I feel like I didn’t deserve to even cry about what happened to Angela. Dahil kasalanan ko naman. Kasalanan ko ang nangyari sa kanya.

Maybe I was angrier with myself than Ishtar. Dahil kung hindi ko nakilala si Angela, kung hindi ko naman s’ya minahal, hindi iyon magagawa ni Ishtar.

Damn it. I still couldn’t believe how selfish Ishtar was. Kung alam ko lang… Kung alam ko lang…

“I’m so sorry, Lucius,” Ishtar said, sobbing. “Pinagsisisihan ko ang mga nagawa ko. And I would do everything for you to forgive me. Hindi ko kayang galit ka sa ’kin.”

Malamig ko s’yang tiningnan.

“There’s nothing you can do that could make me forgive you.”

I just watched her when she started to cry even more. Tuloy-tuloy na tumutulo ang mga luha sa mga mata n’ya. She tried to wipe it away, but more tears streamed down her cheeks. I couldn’t see any trace of Levitsky’s elegance or beauty.

I used to always comfort her and give her anything just to stop her from crying. After all, she was the Queen who required protection. It was my father’s order. Even if it was, I did it voluntarily. Nakalimutan ko na ngang ginagawa ko iyon nang dahil sa laro. She was like a sister to me.

But now, I didn’t make any move to comfort her. I didn’t wipe those tears like I used to do before. Pinanood ko lang s’yang umiyak sa harapan ko at nagpapakahirap na punusan ang mga luha nang mag-isa.

“Oh… Maybe there is one thing that you can do,” I said.

Mabilis na nag-angat ng tingin sa ’kin si Ishtar. Her face was brimming with tears.

“What is it?” she asked. There was hope in her eyes. “I would do it, Lucius. Kahit ano pa ’yan. Mapatawad mo lang ako.”

I stared at her.

“Bring back Angela.”

She stilled. Kahit yata ang mga luha n’ya ay tumigil sa pagpatak. Hindi makapaniwalang nakatingin lang s’ya sa ’kin.

“Bring her back. Then I might be able to forgive you.”

Her lips trembled.

“L-Lucius… It’s impossible,” she said. Kahit ang boses ay nanginginig. “You know that I can’t—”

“Then stop asking for my forgiveness, Ishtar. It’s impossible.”

Muling bumuhos ang mga luha n’ya. I just looked at her coldly and I knew she could see it in my eyes. Hindi ako makaramdam ng awa para sa babaeng ’to.

Why should I? Hindi rin naman s’ya naawa kay Angela bago n’ya nagawang ipapatay s’ya. She doesn’t deserve my pity. She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.

I can’t forgive her. I can’t. I won’t.

See? I am not kind. Maybe I am even the worst in the group.

“Leave now, Ishtar,” malamig kong sabi sa kanya. “At huwag na huwag ka nang pupunta pa ulit dito. Kung may natitira pang konsensya d’yan sa katawan mo.”

She bit her lip trying to stop the sound pero narinig ko ang paghagulgol n’ya. She looked at me one last time before she finally walked out.

Ilang sandali kong tinitigan ang pinto kung saan s’ya lumabas bago muling tinignan ang puntod.

I was finally alone. With her. With Angela.

I looked at her tomb and I felt the strength left my body. Nanghihina kong kinuha ang bulaklak at ang cake. Iniligay ko iyon sa harap ng puntod n’ya at naupo rin sa sahig.

I stared at her name which was carved on the tombstone. Marahan kong hinaplos ang bawat letra ng pangalan n’ya.

It was cold to touch. So damn cold. Umaabot ang kalamigan hanggang sa puso ko.

“Happy birthday, love,” I said, clearing my throat as my voice cracked. “I wish you were here with me.”

Nanlabo ang paningin ko. I looked up, hoping that the tears wouldn’t continue to fall. Ilang beses akong tumikhim para alisin ang bara sa lalamunan ko.

I chuckled despite the excruciating pain in my chest.

“It is your birthday pero ako ’tong maraming hinihiling.” I cleared my throat again. “But I really wish we could’ve at least celebrated your birthday properly. Together.”

I stared at her tombstone, tracing my fingers across each letter of her name. How I wished that it was her face that I was looking at right now. How I wished that it was her cheeks that I was caressing. How I wished that I could feel her warmth once more

Mas lalong dumoble ang sakit sa dibdib ko nang mapatingin ako sa dalawang petsang iyon. Those same day when she died. It was her birthday too.

December 8.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang muling panlalabo ng paningin ko. I closed my eyes as I rested my forehead on her tombstone. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang lamig. And I was hoping that the coldness would numb my pain away.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Angela.”

Those were the only words I could say.

And I realized that I was just the same as Ishtar. I was willing to go to any length to gain Angela’s forgiveness.

But she’s gone now. Kahit ano pang gawin ko, hinding-hindi na s’ya babalik.

Tears escape even with my eyes closed. Inilapat ko ang palad ko sa lapida at mas lalo ko lang naramdaman ang lamig.

The coldness that probably would never leave me. Alongside the pain.

“I miss you so damn much, love…”

Chapter 3

My phone rang and I just ignored it. The sound echoed throughout the entire mausoleum, disturbing the silence that had been enveloping me since earlier. The silence was comfortable yet painful. The silence I wished would only be disturbed by one thing I longed to hear.

Her voice.

Pero hindi ang boses ng babaeng pinakamamahal ko ang umistorbo sa katahimikang iyon. It was the annoying ringtone of my phone. Hinayaan ko lang iyong mag-ring, annoyed that my peace got disturbed when I clearly told anyone not to bother me on this day.

I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. Ganoon naman ako palagi. Especially on the day of her death anniversary.

The ringing stopped but it wasn’t long before my phone rang again. I exhaled harshly. Naiinis na kinuha ko iyon sa bulsa ng pantalong ko. I checked who the caller was and frowned when I saw it was Loki.

Pinag-isipan ko pa saglit kung sasagutin ang tawag o hindi. Of all people, Loki was the one who knew exactly what I would be doing for today. Because that’s what I have been doing for years. And it was only this time that he disturbed me on this day.

In the end, I chose to answer his call. It might be something important.

“Hey.”

“Lucius.”

On the background, I heard someone yelled, “Sabi sa ’yo sasagutin n’yan ’pag ikaw tumawag!”

Bumalik ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko. I immediately regretted answering the call.

“Creed’s with you?” I asked, slightly annoyed which Loki quickly noticed.

“I know, I know…” Loki said with a sigh. “But I’m afraid he isn’t the only one here with me.”

“EL Ordre?”

There was a pause. I was about to check if the call was still connected when Loki spoke again.

“And your… fuckers squad.”

Natigilan ako. I put away the phone and stared at it instead. I got confused. I became unsure if it was Loki whom I was talking to or not. Marami pang tanong ang pumasok sa isip ko.

Why would they be together? EL Ordre and fuckers squad? Ibig sabihin, kasama rin nila sina Helios at Luther ngayon?

Helios? As in Helios Gallagher with the EL Ordre?

I couldn’t even imagine.

“Bakit kayo magkakasama?” tanong kong litong-lito. I still have more questions to ask but I had to ask this one first as this was what confused me the most.

“Nasabi mo na?” rinig kong tanong ulit ni Creed sa kabilang linya. “Hindi pa? Ang tagal naman!”

“Why don’t you talk to him instead?” Kalmado ang boses ni Loki pero alam kong naiinis na ’tong isang ’to. And it seemed like Creed noticed it too as he laughed.

“Hindi, sige, ikaw na. Baka hindi pa pumunta si Lucius ’pag nainis sa ’kin.”

“Buti alam mo pa lang naiinis ang mga tao sa ’yo,” Hunter’s voice was faint in the background.

I looked at Angela’s tombstone as I listened to the men bickering in the background. Despite the hollow feeling in my chest, a small smile crept on my lips. Especially when I heard Loki sigh as if he didn’t want to be there but didn’t really have a choice.

“So? Why are you guys together?” I asked.

“We’re just thinking that if you’d like to do something different today, we could all hang out. We’re all ready to hang out with you,” he said. “But no pressure, man… If you prefer to be alone, then we’ll respect that. It’s just that… we want you to know that we’re just here.”

I didn’t know what to say. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa pangalan ni Angela. Na kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas ay hindi ko pa rin mapaniwalaan na sa ganitong paraan ko na lang s’ya matitingnan.

“We want to be here for you on a day like this, Lucius,” Loki continued. “As your friend… And as your family.”

I had to swallow the lump that suddenly formed in my throat. I know. I always knew that they’re always there for me. Dahil ganoon din naman ako sa kanila kung kailanganin man nila ako.

But this was the first time that they reached out to me on this day. They knew I always spend my whole day here in the mausoleum. At hindi nila ako iniistorbo sa ganitong pagkakataon. Ngayon lang.

I always got annoyed and irritated whenever someone tried to disturb me on Angela’s death anniversary. Pero hindi ganoon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

“We’re just here in your unit,” sabi ni Loki na nagpawala agad sa gaan na naramdaman ko kanina lang.

I frowned.

“What? How—”

Natigilan agad ako sa itatanong ko pa lang sana.

Right. They’re EL Ordre. Bakit pa ba ako magtataka kung paano sila nakapasok sa unit ko? At kahit hindi ko pa naririnig na nagsalita si L sa ingay ng mga boses sa background ni Loki, sigurado akong kasama rin s’ya roon.

I sighed. I stared at Angela’s tombstone again.

Should I go?

I took a deep breath. I raked my fingers on my hair and thought deeply.

I don’t know what to do. Actually, whenever this day came, I didn’t really know what to do. Palagi kong binabalikan ang araw na ’yon, ang araw na nawala sa ’kin ang babaeng pinakamamahal ko at humihiling na sana ay isa lang ’yong masamang panaginip.

Pero kahit ano’ng gawin ko, hindi talaga ako magising.

I sighed. Sige… Kahit ngayon lang, susubukan ko muna ’to. Baka sakaling magising na ako sa masamang panaginip na ’to.

“I’ll be there in a while,” I said to Loki.

I heard him sigh in relief.

“Alright. We’ll wait here.”

Ibinaba ko ang tawag. I looked at Angela’s tombstone again.

“I’ll go now, love… Babalik ulit ako.”

Nagbili muna ako sa caretaker na ayusin ang pagbabantay para wala na ulit makapasok sa mauseleom maliban sa ’kin. Bahagyang kumalma ang galit na naramdaman ko kanina dahil sa tawag ni Loki. But if any of that happens again, if that woman tried to do that again, I might do something worse on her.

I drove my way to the unit. Nang buksan ko ang pinto, nanibago pa ako sa ingay na sumalubong sa ’kin. Usually, silence will welcome me every time I open the door. Kaya bago sa ’kin ang ingay na nadatnan ko.

“Lucius, nandito ka na pala,” si Creed ang unang nakapansin sa ’kin. Tumayo s’ya mula sa pagkakaupo sa sahig at nilapitan ako. “Sige, pasok lang. ’Wag kang mahihiya.”

“Maraming salamat sa pagpapasok sa ’kin sa sarili kong unit,” I said without any emotion but Creed laughed at that.

I stared at my friends. Pabilog silang nakaupo sa coffee table na nasa gitna. Beers and food were on the table. Loki was sitting on the one-seater sofa as well as L, who miraculously didn’t have a laptop with him, he was sitting on the other one-seater sofa. Magkakatabi namang naukaupo sina Hunter, Luther, at Helios sa couch. Lumabas si Death mula sa kusina at naglapag ng panibagong pagkain sa lamesa. Tinabihan n’ya si Creed sa pagkakaupo sa carpeted floor.

I stared in disbelief. I know Loki already told me that they were all together but I still couldn’t believe that they would all be together kahit nasa harap ko na silang lahat ngayon.

“Sa sahig ka na lang din maupo, Lucius,” sabi ni Luther. Napailing na lang ako pero umupo na rin sa tabi ni Death. Hindi na ako nakapagreklamo.

“Hindi na ako magtatanong kung pa’no kayo nakapasok,” I said as I reached for a beer in can. Binuksan ko iyon at agad na uminom.

“Sayang lang hindi tayo kumpleto,” Creed said. “Wala si Kylo. Nasa honeymoon. Si Gon bumalik na sa Italy. Si Gray naman hindi pa rin mahanap ni Hunter. And Vander had that promise with Helios.”

Tumango ako.

“Why do you all suddenly decide to disturb me today?” I asked. Mabilis kong inubos ang beer in can na hawak ko at kumuha pa ng isa.

Nagkatinginan sila. I looked at them through the rim of the canned beer as I drank it.

“We just want to be with you on this day, man,” Helios said. Nakasandal s’ya sa couch. His legs spread slightly apart and he was holding a bottled beer.

“We should’ve done this a long time ago,” Death said. “Pero masyado tayong naging abala sa game noon kaya hindi kami makakuha ng pagkakataon.”

Ibinaba ko ang canned beer na hawak ko. The side of my lips rose.

“It’s okay… Busy rin kayo sa mga pamilya n’yo,” I said and diverted the topic. “Nasa’n nga pala ang mga asawa n’yo?”

By the mention of their wives, I saw how each of their eyes lit up. I groaned as I shook my head and drank my beer again.

Fucking pussy whipped.

“Magkakasama rin sila. Kasama rin ’yung mga bata,” Creed said before he looked at Death beside him. “Bakit walang lumpiang shainghai na kasama sa pulutan?”

Death frowned at him.

“Sa tingin mo may oras pa ’kong magbalot ng lumpia?”

“May lumpiang shanghai sa convenience store sa baba,” Luther said but Creed shook his head.

“Ayoko. Processed food ’yon. Hindi healthy.”

“Ikaw na nga ’yung nag-demand, ikaw pa ’yung mapili,” Hunter said in annoyance.

Creed chuckled.

“Sa lumpiang shanghai lang naman!”

Napailing ako. I drank my beer again and glanced at L who was just silently drinking his beer. Mukhang napansin din ni Creed kaya hindi na ako nagtaka nang si L naman ang kulitin n’ya.

“L, sino ang mas nami-miss mo ngayon?” he asked. “’Yung laptop mo o ’yung asawa’t anak mo?”

L just rolled his eyes at him. Hindi pinansin at uminom na lang sa beer na hawak n’ya.

Napangisi ako. Tarantado talaga ’tong si Creed. Hindi na ako magtataka kung isang araw mabigwasan na lang s’ya ng isa sa mga kaibigan namin.

“Buti wala si Kylo ngayon,” Hunter said. “Magpapaulan na naman ’yon ng mura sa ’yo.”

Malakas ang naging tawa ni Creed doon. Then he smirked afterward. As if he was thinking of doing something horrible.

“Sa tingin ko malapit na ’kong makabawi kay Kylo,” he said. May ngisi sa mga labing nakakairitang makita. Parang may alam s’yang hindi namin alam.

“What are you talking about?” Loki asked. It looked as if he didn’t want to be clueless when Creed definitely knew something.

But Creed just shrugged his shoulders. Kumuha s’ya ng isa sa pulutang nakahanda. Loki stared at him as if he was trying to observe Creed. Natawa na lang ako.

“Lucius, can I ask you a favor?” sabi ni Helios kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. “If you;re not busy, can you train Zephyrus?”

Napakunot ang noo ko. Kumuha na rin ako ng isa sa pulutang nasa lamesa at kumain.

“Why?” I asked.

“So, he can protect the family just in case mawala ako.”

We all frowned at that. Lalo na si Hunter na katabi n’ya.

“Wait, whoa… Helios, my man… Ano’ng sinasabi mong mawala?” Hunter asked.

“You know how many enemies I have in business,” Helios said as he shrugged his shoulders. “I just want to secure my family’s protection. Especially Summer since she will inherit the entire Gallagher Empire.”

Natahimik kami roon. We all knew that feeling. We all experienced that feeling. Alam kong kahit tapos na ang laro, lahat sila ay nag-aalala pa rin sa kaligtasan ng pamilya nila.

“’Yan kasi… Devil in a business suit pa,” Creed said and he earned a glare from the devil in a business suit himself.

“Shut up, fucker.” Helios looked at me. “Will you do it?”

Tinitigan ko lang si Helios habang pinag-iisipan ang sinabi n’ya. I knew he really wanted to make sure of his family’s safety pero alam ko ring sa akin n’ya mismo inalok iyon para may oagkaabalahan ako bukod sa negosyo. And to take my mind off my grief.

I took a deep breath. Uminom muna ulit ako ng beer bago s’ya tinanguan.

“I’ll do it. Pero hanggang sa mag-pitong taon lang si Zrain.”

“Why?” Helios asked with a frown.

“I don’t want to ruin his childhood.”

Helios considered that. He nodded.

“Alright. I’ll owe this to you, fucker.”

Natawa ako. I raised my beer in a can at him and he raised his bottled beer. We sealed that deal with a cheer.

Tahimik na lang akong uminom ng beer pagkatapos. Ang iba ay nagkaroon ng sariling usapan. I could even hear Death complaining dahil mas mabilis pa raw maubos ang pulutan kaysa sa beer kahit kaluluto n’ya pa lang ng bago.

While I just stared at my beer. Muli kong naalala kung ano’ng araw ngayon at kung bakit nandito ang mga kaibigan ko. They managed to take my mind off it for a while pro muling sumasagi sa isip ko ang katotohanan kapag natatahimik ako.

I knew they were doing their best to cheer me up, to be with me here today. Alam ko ring iniiwasan nilang magbanggit ng tungkol doon but… I hated how it became a sensitive topic for us.

I heard Loki take a deep breath. He even exhaled harshly which made me look at him. Nakatingin na pala s’ya sa ’kin.

“Can you tell us about her?” he asked. “Angela.”

Biglang natahimik ang buong unit. They all looked at Loki first before their gaze turned to me. Walang nagsalita sa kanila. And I realized that all of them wanted to ask that too. Naghihintay lang ng pagkakataon.

It wasn’t a sensitive topic as I’ve thought of. They were just waiting for the right moment to ask.

“I want to hear more about her,” Loki said. “I wanted to meet her actually.”

“Me too,” Hunter said. “You fell deeply in love with her. She must’ve been such a wonderful person.”

“Yeah… Hindi ka pa naman mabilis ma-in love,” Creed seconded. “Si Angela ang unang babaeng minahal mo.”

“And the last woman I’ll ever love,” I said.

I looked at them. Lahat sila ay nakatingin sa ’kin, nag-aabang ng sasabihin ko. I rarely talked about her with them. Ang hirap kasing magkwento. Ang hirap maramdaman ulit ang sakit. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko kakayanin ang magkwento sa kanila nang maayos.

“We’re not forcing you to talk if you don’t want to, Lucius,” si L na sa wakas ay nagsalita na rin. Despite the sadness in my chest, bahagya tuloy akong napangiti.

“Kung gusto mo lang namang magkwento,” Death said. “And if you’re ready.”

Napatitig ulit ako sa beer na hawak ko. Maya-maya ay uminom pero wala na pa lang laman. I took another beer in can and drank it straight till its last drop.

It’s okay… These men are my family.

“She is. I mean, she was,” I corrected and looked at them. “She was the most amazing and wonderful woman I’d ever met.”

Napalunok ako. Iyon pa lang ang nasasabi ko pero hindi ko na makaya ang sakit sa dibdib ko.

“I fell in love with her so fast because she was such a good person that I couldn’t even believe na may taong gano’ng kabait na gaya n’ya. She was like an angel. The most beautiful woman I’d seen. Bagay na bagay sa kanya ang pangalan n’ya.”

I had to stop because I choked on my words. Kumuha ulit ako ng alak at uminom doon. Walang nagsalita sa kanila habang umiinom ako.

It hurts so fucking much to talk about her in past tense. Mas nakukumpirma lang no’n na wala na nga s’ya sa mundong ’to. And she was only existing in my memories now. Alaala na lang s’ya. Such bittersweet memories.

“Ang akala n’ya mahirap ako. Walang trabaho,” I continued with a smile. “And even though she didn’t have much, she was still willing to help me. Ganoon s’ya kabait. Namatay s’ya nang hindi n’ya nalalaman kung sino talaga ’ko.”

Hindi ko namalayan ang pagtulo ng luha ko pero mabilis ko rin iyong pinunasan. I laughed at the memories, those funny moments I had with her. Pero kahit ang pagtawa ko ay punong-puno ng pait at sakit.

“Sana nakilala ko s’ya,” sabi ni Creed matapos ng ilang sandaling katahimikan.

“’Wag na,” Hunter said. “Mabait nga raw ’yung tao. Baka maubos lang ang pasensya sa ’yo.”

Creed looked at him, clearly offended.

“Bakit? Mabait din naman ako, ah?”

“Creed, kahit pa ang mga santo, mauubos talaga ng pasensya sa ’yo.”

Nagsimulang magtalo ang dalawa. Napangisi na lang ako at napailing bago muling tiningnan silang lahat.

They were here for me. They were doing their best to be here for me. To let me know that I’m not alone. Na nakahanda silang damayan ako.

I was thankful for them, for doing this. Kahit na alam kong sobrang busy na rin nila sa kanya-knya nilang mga pamilya.

They are wonderful people as well and I’m lucky to have them. How I wished that Angela could’ve met these wonderful chaotic people too.

Pero wala. Hindi na mangyayari ’yon

Napayuko ako. Nag-init ang mga mata ko at hindi ko na napigilan ang mapaluha. My tears fell straight down on the carpeted floor. Kasabay noon ay ang pag-alog ng mga balikat ko.

I cried silently but my friends noticed it. Naramdaman ko ang marahang pagtapik ni Death sa mga balikat ko.

“We’re just here, man…” I heard Hunter say. “Nandito lang kami.”

And it was enough. Those words were more than enough for me instead of any awkward advice.

And that day, on Angela’s death anniversary, I cried in front of my friends.

Second Letter

Dear Angela,

Another anniversary of your death has passed, but here I am, still unable and not ready to accept that the woman I love is really gone and the only way I could talk to here is to sit in front of her grave. Or by just this letter.

My friends came over today. I know they are doing their best to cheer me up, to comfort me. And I appreciate them. Really. Yet nothing in this world could ever make me feel better. Unless I get another chance to be with you.

I wsih I could talk and see you again. I would give anything for that to happen. Anything.

I miss you so fucking much it hurts.

Sincerely,

Lucius

Chapter 4

It took a long time before Hunter finally managed to find Gray. The kid did a really good job hiding. Ayaw talagang magpahanap pero hindi rin naman sumuko si Hunter at nahanap na rin sa wakas ang kapatid.

We didn’t have any idea what happened to Gray. After the game ended, nawalan na kami ng balita sa kanya matapos magpaalam na magbabakasyon pero hindi naman nagparamdam. We were all worried about him and we hoped that he was doing okay wherever he was.

But as we listened to Reyziel, Gray’s girlfriend, telling us about his condition, I realized that even after the game ended, we were still not free from it. We couldn’t avoid the aftermath of the game.

I balled my fist, trying to suppress my anger. How long will we all need to suffer before we can live normally? Before we can all live freely? How long will it take before all of us can finally enjoy… living our lives?

I took a deep breath and exhaled harshly. I looked at Hunter. The poor guy looked devastated. I know he did his best for his family and yet it seemed like it wasn’t enough.

Bumaling ang tingin ko sa katabi n’ya. I wasn’t surprised when I saw Ishtar looking at me. There was hope in her eyes when our gaze met.

Ramdam ko namang kanina n’ya pa ako tinitingnan, kahit habang nakikipag-usap s’ya. But I refused to meet her gaze. I couldn’t even look at her anymore.

So, I looked down as I balled my fists again. Humigpit ang pagkakayukom ko sa mga kamao. I wanted to feel the pain as my nails dug onto my skin. But it wasn’t enough. It took me a lot of restraint as I stopped myself from punching the table in front of me.

Fuck… I suddenly felt suffocated. Hindi ako makahinga. I wanted to get out of this place to escape. My chest tightened and I found it so hard to breathe.

Still, I remained on my seat. Pinilit ko ang sarili ko kahit ang gustong-gusto kong gawin ay lumabas na sa kwartong ’yon.

Seeing Ishtar always reminded me of these horrible feelings. Of Angela’s death. Of how innocent Angela was and yet… And yet she died helplessly. And I wasn’t able to do anything for her.

“Are you alright?” Loki asked me when we finally left the room. Pero hindi pa rin nawawala ang paninikip ng dibdib ko.

I looked behind him and saw that the door was closed. Mukhang naiwan sina Eresh at Reyziel sa loob.

“Yeah…” I said. Tumingin ako kay Loki. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

He just stared at me. I know he could see the lies in my eyes. This guy’s so damn good at reading people. That’s why it was easy for him to manipulate them as well.

I smirked. Nakikita ko sa mga mata n’yang hindi s’ya naniniwala sa sinagot ko. I chuckled as I shook my head.

“Do me a favor and spare me of that look, will you?”

He sighed.

“I’m just truly worried about you, Lucius.”

Mapait akong napangisi.

I know. I’m fucking aware of it. I fucking know that all of them were worried about me. They constantly checked on me as if thinking I might do something stupid out of grief.

And I will admit, I already thought a lot of times about ending my grief. Pero wala akong karapatang gawin ’yon. Wala akong karapatang maging masaya. Wala akong karapatang humiling na maging masaya sana ako.

I should suffer. I should bear the consequences of what happened to Angela. To the innocent life that ended because of me. Dahil kung hindi ko s’ya nakilala, kung hindi ko s’ya minahal, baka masaya pa rin sana s’yang nabubuhay ngayon.

Fuck… I shouldn’t have hoped to have a normal life with her back then. Hindi na sana ako nangarap na mahalin din n’ya noon.

Mas gugustuhin kong hindi n’ya na lang ako nakilala. Baka sakaling buhay pa rin s’ya hanggang ngayon.

Angela… My sweet Angela…

“Lucius.”

I stopped in my tracks when someone called my name. But when I realized who it was, I continued walking to where my big bike was. Ramdam ko ang pagsunod ni Ishtar sa ’kin.

“Lucius, please…” There was a plea in her voice.

Marahas akong napabuntong-hininga. Alam kong hindi n’ya ako titigilan kaya hinarap ko s’ya.

“Ano na naman ba’ng kailangan mo?” I didn’t even try to hide my irritation.

Fucking damn it. Kaya ayokong nagkikita pa kami ng babaeng ’to.

“I just want to talk to you,” she said.

“There’s nothing for us to talk about.”

Tinalikuran ko na s’ya. I took my helmet and got ready to wear it when she spoke again.

“I have a lot I want to say. Please, Lucius. Kahit sandali lang.”

I gritted my teeth. I was trying my hardest to keep my anger in. Hindi ko gustong pagsisihan kung ano’ng pwede kong gawin nang dahil sa galit. Ayoko ring masaktan si Ishtar bilang respeto sa mga pinagsamahan namin noon.

But what about her though? Did she even respect what we had before? Did she respect Angela? Kahit bilang tao man lang?

No. She never did. All she cared about was herself.

It was so fucking unfair, right? How you’re trying to understand and be considerate for someone pero hindi naman ganoon ang ginagawa nila. It was unfair how you’re the one who should always understand them when they have always been so insensitive.

I looked at Ishtar again. This time, I know she could see so much anger in my eyes.

“Kailan mo ba maiintindihan, Ishtar, na ayaw na kitang makausap pa? I don’t want to talk to you ever again. Ni hindi ko na nga magawang tingnan ka.”

She flinched with my words. I saw her eyes teared up pero hindi man lang ako nakaramdam ng awa.

“You’re never been this cruel back them, Lucius. No matter what I did before, you were always so forgiving. What happened to you?”

I frowned.

“Tinatanong mo talaga ’yan, Ishtar?” Hindi makapaniwala kong tanong.

“Ganyan ba ang naging epekto sa ’yo ni Angela? I knew she wasn’t good for you!”

Humulagpos ang pinipigilan kong galit. I was blinded by rage that I could already see red. I grabbed Ishtar by the arm. She winced and cried in pain but I didn’t care. I glared at her. Nakita ko sa wakas ang takot sa mga mata n’ya.

“With what I am feeling right now, I could fucking kill you, Ishtar,” I said through gritted teeth. Nanginginig ang mga kalamnan ko sa galit at alam kong mas bumabaon pa ang mga daliri ko sa braso n’ya pero wala akong pakialam. I am so fucking done being considerate with her.

“You’re hurting me, Lucius!” Nangilid ang luha sa mga mata n’ya pero hindi man lang ako naapektuhan. I was so fucking mad I was having a hard time to control it.

“Don’t ever fucking say her name again with your filthy mouth, Ishtar!” gigil nang sabi ko. “Hindi ka ba nangingilabot sa ginawa mo sa kanya?”

She sobbed. She tried to take her arm from my grip but I held it tighter. Muli s’yang napahiyaw sa sakit.

“You killed her, Ishtar! You killed Angela! And I will never be able to fucking forgive you for that!”

“Woah! Lucius!” rinig kong sabi ni Creed nang makita kami. Mabilis s’yang lumapit sa ’min at sinubukang tanggalin ang pagkakahawak ko kay Ishtar pero mas hinigpitan ko lang ang kapit ko.

“Let go of her, Lucius,” Hunter said. Nakalapit na rin s’ya  sa ’min at nakaalalay na kay Ishtar.

“C’mon, fucker…” Creed tried to take my hand off her. “Hindi mo gugustuhing pagsisihan ’to. Kumalma ka na.”

I glared at Ishtar who was already crying. Mas lalo akong nagalit nang makita ko ang pag-iyak n’ya. Humigpit pa ang pagkakakapit ko sa braso n’ya at nataranta sina Hunter at Creed nang mapadaing si Ishtar sa sakit.

My chest was burning in rage when I saw her tears fall. She had no right to cry. She had no right to act as if she was hurting when she was the reason for all of this.

Ni wala s’yang karapatang umiyak sa harap ko. Wala s’yang karapatang kausapin ako. Wala s’yang karapatang banggitin ang pangalan ni Angela. She had no fucking right for everything.

Sobra-sobra ang galit na nararamdaman ko at alam kong sa galit ko, makakagawa ako ng bagay na hindi maganda. Hunter knew that. Creed knew that that’s why they were trying to stop and calm me right now.

Kaya bago pa ako makagawa ng bagay na pagsisisihan ko, marahas kong binitiwan ang braso ni Ishtar. I took my helmet and put it on as I got on my big bike. I saw how Creed’s eyes widened when I started the engine.

“Lucius! Kumalma ka muna! Baka maaksidente—”

Hindi ko s’ya pinansin. Creed’s voice drowned by the loud sound of the engine as I drove away. Mabilis kong pinatakbo ang motor palayo sa lugar na ’yon.

Chapter 5

I went with the Sanfords to the airport. Hindi lang ako ang sumama sa paghatid sa kanila. Loki and Eresh were there as well as Apollo and Daphne.

They were going away for Gray’s medication. Hunter found a psychiatrist. They were hoping that he could help Gray get better. Kaya pansamantala, doon muna ang buong pamilya hanggang sa maging mabuti na ang kalagayan ni Gray.

River cooed while I held him in my arms. I looked at the baby who was busy with my face, particularly on my stubbles. Kanina pa dinadama ng bata ang mukha ko gamit ang maliliit n’yang mga kamay. He was giggling, probably got ticklish with my stubbles pero hindi pa rin naman nilulubayan ang mukha ko.

I smiled at the baby. Hindi ko napigilan na halikan ang pisngi ng bata na mas lumakas ang tawa dahil mas nakiliti yata. Hunter, Artemis, and Gray looked at me with a smile on their face as they watched River giggling nonstop. Kahit si Silver ay nahawa yata sa pagtawa ng kambal at nakitawa na rin.

“Hey,” tawag pansin ni Apollo sa kakambal n’ya. “Call me. Tawagan mo ’ko madalas.”

Artemis scrunched her nose as she frowned.

“So bossy…” she said. Umirap pa na nagpasimangot na rin kay Apollo.

“Gusto ko lang makasiguro kung maayos kayo ro’n! May mga anak ka na pero nami-misinterpret mo pa rin ako.”

“Don’t worry, Apollo. I’ll take care of them,” sabi na ni Hunter nang sasagot pa sana si Artemis. Mukhang nakahalatang mag-aaway pa ang dalawa kung hindi s’ya sisingit.

“Just make sure of that, Hunter.”

Natawa si Gray dahil sa seryosong mukha ni Apollo. Lumapit s’ya at umakbay.

“Just chill, Gallagher… You know how reliable my brother is,” may pagmamalaki sa mukha ni Gray nang sabihin iyon.

“Mag-ingat kayo ro’n,” Daphne said as she hugged Artemis.

“Gray…“Eresh called him. “Focus on your medication, okay?”

He smiled. And I could see it wasn’t only me who missed that carefree grin of his.

“Yes, my Queen,” he said playfully which made Eresh roll her eyes.

We all know that it was just him being Gray. It was him making fun of the past pero lahat kami ay napatingin kay Loki. Kahit si Gray. Nakitaan ko pa nga ng takot at pag-aalala ang mukha n’ya.

“Sorry, Kuya…” Gray mumbled. Yumuko pa na parang isang batang nakagawa talaga ng kasalanan.

Loki just chuckled. Tinapik n’ya sa balikat si Gray.

“Don’t hesitate to call us if you need anything.”

“Yeah…” I seconded. I looked at Hunter. “Like what you’ve told me, we’re here, man.”

Mahinang tumawa si Hunter bago kinuha na rin sa ’kin si River. Ilang mga bilin pa bago sila naglakad papunta sa private plane.

“Kuya Lucius.” Nagpahuli si Gray. “Can I ask for a favor?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Okay lang bang pakibantayan si Rey? Pati pamilya n’ya. Just make sure they’re okay.”

I couldn’t help the sad smile on my lips. Nakitaan ko ng panghihinayang at lungkot ang mga mata ni Gray. I heard what happened but I guess he really loved the woman and even though they weren’t together anymore, he wanted to make sure of her safety.

If only… If only Angela and I were like this. Tatanggapin ko kung magkalayo man kami as long as I know that she was alive and safe out there.

But it wasn’t. It was just one my ‘if onlys’ again…

“Sure. Ako nang bahala.”

He smiled.

“Thanks, Kuya Lucius.”

The plane took off and we all left the airport. I drove my motorcycle back to my place. I was silently praying and hoping as I drove away, hoping that this time, everything would go well with the Sanford brothers.

They already suffered enough. They deserve to be happy and live their life fully. I hope they can all get through with the aftermath of the game. Kasi kahit tapos na ang laro, hindi pa rin naman talaga kami totoong nakakalaya.

I hope my friends can finally live free. I wish to see all of them living happily and finally free of suffering.

I parked my big bike on my spot in the parking lot. I took off my helmet and walked inside the building. I used the elevator and pressed the floor of my unit. Nang makarating doon ang elevator ay lumabas na ako para maglakad papunta sa unit ko pero napatigil din agad ako nang makitang may taong nakatayo sa tapat ng pinto roon.

I exhaled harshly which caught her attention. Ishtar looked at me and stood straight. Naglakad ako palapit sa kanya pero tumigil din ilang mga hakbang pa. I didn’t want to be near her, let alone see her.

“Ano na naman ba?” I asked, making sure that she could hear in my tone that I dislike her presence.

“Won’t you invite me inside first?” she asked. May alanganing ngiti sa mga labi n’ya.

Inis akong napabuntong-hininga.

“Ishtar, I don’t even want to see you and you’re expecting me to invite you inside my place?”

“Gusto lang talaga kitang makausap, Lucius,” she said almost desperately. “Kahit sandali lang. Just let me talk to you.”

“Just go.”

I chose to ignore her and walked to my unit. I fished the key in my pocket and almost laughed when I realized that Ishtar could’ve picked this lock as she did in Angela’s mausoleum. I guess she still has respect for me as she waited outside instead of just forcing her way in, huh?

This time, I let out a short chuckle. Yeah… Sa akin nga siguro ay may respeto pa s’ya. But she never respected Angela. She never did.

“You’re unfair, Lucius!” she said even before I could open the door to my unit. “You’re so unfair, don’t you know that?”

I looked at her. Deadpan. Wala rin naman akong makapang emosyon sa dibdib ko. All the care I had for her before has long gone now.

“I am the one who’s always been by your side since we were little!” She looked as if she was on the verge of crying. “Ako ’yung palaging nasa tabi mo. I have already loved you so much even if we were just kids. We were happy! We have always been together!”

I was just looking at her. Mukhang hindi na s’ya nakatiis. She didn’t even care if the people in the unit beside mine could hear her outburst.

“Then all of a sudden, that woman came and I was ignored! Nabalewala ako nang makilala mo si Angela!”

I frowned.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I am your Queen and you are my King! You were supposed to protect me! You were supposed to be with me! You were supposed to choose me!” She sobbed. “Ako dapat ’yung minahal mo.”

“Naririnig mo ba ang sinasabi mo, Ishtar?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing from her.

Pero mukhang kahit ako ay hindi n’ya naririnig dahil nagpatuloy lang s’ya.

“I am the Queen, right? Pero bakit bigla akong naisantabi? Sandali mo lang namang nakasama ’yung babaeng ’yon, kailan mo lang s’ya nakilala yet you fell in love with her already! Samantalang ako ’yung laging nasa tabi mo at matagal nang nagmamahal sa ’yo!”

I didn’t know what to say so I just looked at her. There was so much pain in her eyes as if I betrayed her.

“It was so unfair.” She sobbed. “Ako ’yung habangbuhay na nagmamahal sa ’yo pero ako pa ’yung naging masama.”

I couldn’t find the words to say. Pinanood ko lang s’yang nakatingin lang din sa ’kin. Hindi nawawala ang sakit na nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya. And the more I look at her, the more my chest tightened.

“Unbelievable…” I mumbled after a while.

Ishtar looked at me. There was hope in her eyes as she nodded.

“Yes, it is! It is so unbelievable how you suddenly fell for that woman when I’m the one—”

“It’s unbelievable how selfish you are.”

It was no use. Every time I see Ishtar, anger and pain always consume me. Kaya nga pilit ko s’yang nilalayuan at baka makagawa ako ng kasalanan. That’s why I didn’t want to look or talk with her.

But I guess Ishtar really likes to see me suffering. Sa bawat pagkakataong kakausapin n’ya ako, sa bawat pagkakataong sinasabi n’ya ang mga dahilan n’ya kung bakit n’ya nagawa ang bagay na ’yon ay mas lalo lang lumalala ang galit ko sa kanya. Mas lalo lang kasing hindi ko ’yon maiintindihan.

“It’s unbelievable how someone innocent died because of those reasons. It’s unbelievable how she’s gone now because of your selfishness.”

Natigilan si Ishtar. The hope I just saw in her eyes earlier vanished. Tears pooled in her eyes.

“You’re not getting my point, Lucius…”

“What point? Na makasarili ka? Na gusto mo na sa ’yo lahat ng atensyon? Na gusto mo lahat nakukuha mo? And when you couldn’t get something, you will get rid of anything or anyone in your way?”

Her tears fell down pero wala man lang akong maramdamang kahit ano. Before, I would do everything to make her stop crying. I would do everything to cheer her up and protect her.

Pero hindi na ngayon. I regret everything I did for her before.

“That’s your point, Ishtar. Iyon ang nakikita kong punto mo. You’re a greedy, selfish, and narcissistic person.”

She cried. Kitang-kita ko ang sakit sa luhaan n’yang mga mata dahil sa sinabi ko.

“I thought you said you’re regretting what you did,” I said. “Pero mukhang hindi mo alam kung paano talaga magsisi sa kasalanan mo.”

“I already said I’m sorry!”

“Mababalik ba ng sorry mo ang buhat ni Angela?” I asked. “And you want me to accept your apology because you said sorry?”

Walang laman ang naging tawa ko. She flinched when she saw the way I looked at her.

“You’re like this and yet you wonder why I can’t love you?”

I glared at her as I gritted my teeth. Kanina ko pa sinusubukang pigilang humulagpos ang galit ko. Walang pipigil sa ’kin ngayong kung sakali mang may magawa akong pagsisisihan ko pagkatapos.

“Cut me some slack, will you? Don’t ever show your face in front of me again.”

Thinking she might force her way in once I’m inside my unit, I decided to just go somewhere again. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Anywhere. Basta malayo sa lugar na ’to. Malayo kay Ishtar.

I rode my bike again. Nagmaneho lang ako kahit wala talaga akong maisip na lugar na pupuntahan. I just wanted to cool my head off. Ayoko na munang bumalik sa unit ko.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa manibela at mas binilisan pa ang pagpapatakbo ng motor.

Fuck it. I never wanted to be that kind of person who was full of anger. I wanted to be that calm person my friends know me of. Pero ang hirap. Ang hirap maging kalmado sa tuwing nakikita ko si Ishtar.

I already lost myself. That Lucius was long gone.

I just parked my big bike on the side of the road when I realized I was having a hard time calming myself. I took off my helmet. Nanginginig ang mga kamay at kalamnan ko sa galit.

I took several deep breaths trying to empty my mind. Pero bumabalik na naman ako sa araw na ’yon. That day I wished I had just gone home sooner. Hindi sana mangyayari ’yon.

A bitter chuckle escaped from me. I never had been late again ever since that day. Pero wala na rin namang magagawa kahit pa maaga na ako sa lahat ng nagiging usapan. It wouldn’t bring Angela back.

I looked up when I sensed a presence. Dumeretso ang tingin ko sa taong nakatayo ilang hakbang ang layo sa ’kin.

At first, it looked like she was trying to see my face fully. But when I looked up and she could see my face clearly, her eyes widened.

I heard a small gasp from her. She pointed at me as if she couldn’t believe I was there.

“Ikaw ’yon!” hindi makapaniwala n’yang sabi. “Ikaw ’yung lalaking nagbayad ng isang libo nu’ng wala akong pamasahe sa bus!”

Chapter 6

I frowned as I stared at the woman. I tried to rack my brain off to remember who she was. I squinted my eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was because it was dark or if her face wasn’t just familiar to me.

But I had my training to adjust my eyes in the darkness so I could see well—even my mind. Hindi ako madaling makalimot. But I couldn’t really recognize the woman in front of me.

Or were my eyes failing me already? Do I need to use eyeglasses now?

Tinitigan ko pa ulit ang babae. Inalala kung saan ko ba s’ya nakita kung sakaling kilala ko nga talaga s’ya. Because the look in the woman’s eyes told me that she seemed to know me. At kung hindi ako nagkakamali, she even looked as if she wasn’t expecting to see me today.

“Who are you?” tanong ko na. Hindi ko talaga maalala kung kilala ko ba ang babaeng ’to.

She didn’t move even after I asked her. Nakatakip pa ang isang kamay n’ya sa bibig at ang isa ay nakaturo sa ’kin. Her eyes widening more the longer she stared at me. She looked really surprised.

This woman is so fucking weird.

Then I saw her blink. Ibinaba ang mga kamay sa gilid at umayos ng pagkakatayo.

She smiled at me.

“Hindi mo ’ko naaalala? Sa bus? Naiwan ko ’yung wallet ko kaya wala akong pamasahe.”

She looked expectant after she said that. As if she was expecting something from me. Maybe to finally recognize her.

But I just stared at her. Maliban kasi sa hindi ko talaga s’ya nakikilala kahit gaano ko pa s’ya katagal tinititigan, may ibang alaala rin ang pumapasok sa isip ko dahil sa sinabi n’ya.

“Katabi kita no’n,” she continued when she probably realized I still couldn’t remember her. “Ikaw ang nagbayad sa pamasahe ko. Isang libo pa nga binigay mo pero hindi mo na hinintay ’yung sukli. Bumaba ka na kasi agad.”

That rang a bell. I finally remembered what she was talking about. I clenched my jaw as some memories started flooding my mind as well. And it made my chest tighten. Bigla ay nahirapan akong huminga dahil sa tindi ng sakit na bigla na lang lumukob sa dibdib ko.

I balled my fist hoping that the pain would stop. Nawalan ng silbi ang walang direksyong pagmamaneho ko para makatakas sa nangyari sa sakit kanina.

I took a deep breath. I looked at the woman who was just looking at me. As if she was giving me time to remember what she just said.

“It was you?” I asked. Nakalimutan ko talaga ang itsura ng babaeng ’yon. I just did the first thing that came into my mind that time. To help her and pay for her fare.

Just like what Angela did. I remembered she told me I didn’t have to pay her back and just help others in need as well in return for what she did.

I did well, Angela… right?

The woman smiled. Tumango s’ya habang malaki pa rin ang ngiti sa mga labi.

“Oo, ako ’yon!” she said with a laugh. “Grabe, ang tagal kitang hinanap!”

I frowned. I stared back at her.

“You looked for me?”

“Oo ’no! Kapag sumasakay ako ng bus, tinitingnan ko bawat pasahero. Hinahanap nga kasi kita.”

Ilang sandali akong hindi nagsalita. I was trying to analyze her tone. Mukha kasing sinisisi n’ya ako base sa mga sinabi n’ya. But the wide smile on her lips told me otherwise.

“I’ve never ridden a bus again after that.”

Napalabi ang babae sa sinabi ko. Nawala na ang ngiti.

“Kaya pala hindi na kita nakita.”

“Why are you looking for me anyway?”

“Ano pa ba? Edi ibabalik ang sukli mo!”

I took a deep breath. I leaned my hips on my big bike.

“You should’ve kept it.”

“Ayoko nga!” mariing tanggi ng babae. She had a look in her face as if what I suggested was a crime for her. “Magkano lang naman ’yung pamasahe ko, eh. May sukli ka pang eight-sixty.”

“You should’ve used it to help others in need as well.” I knew that was what Angela wanted. Kaya nga hindi ko na rin kinuha ang sukli kahit malaki talaga ang ibinayad ko. Not that I had smaller bill that time anyway.

The woman frowned. She suddenly looked irritated.

“Aba, malay ko ba! Tinago ko na lang ’yung sukli kasi baka bawiin mo rin sa ’kin kapag nagkita tayo.”

I took another deep breath. I was starting to feel irritated as well. Napakamot ako sa gilid ng kilay ko.

“I wouldn’t do that so just keep the money. Or just use it to help others.”

Mas lumalim ang pagkakakunot ng noo ng babae. Hindi na n’ya itinago ang pagkainis. Ang it was ridiculous because I helped her, right? Bakit naiinis sa ’kin ’to ngayon? Dahil lang hindi ko kinuha ang sukli at iniisip n’yang babawiin ko ’yon sa susunod na pagkikita namin?

I didn’t have any plan to take the change from her! It was just eight-sixty, for fuck’s sake! Wala rin sa planong kong makita pa ulit ang babaeng ’to. This was just a huge coincidence!

“Binigyan mo pa talaga ’ko ng gagawin,” she said as if what I said would take a lot of effort from her. “Sige na! Ibabalik ko na lang ’yung sukli mo!”

Hindi na ako nagsalita. Baka mas lumala lang ang inis ko. I figured this day was one of my worst days. Not that I had any good or just a bearable day again after Angela’s death.

I just watched the woman who started to rummaged in her shoulder bag. Pero hindi n’ya magawa ng maayos dahil sumusulyap pa rin sa ’kin. As if she was making sure that I was still there and didn’t leave.

As if I could do that without her hearing the engine of my motorcycle if I started it. Pero mukhang hindi n’ya naisip ’yon. I don’t know if she’s just dumb or has a peculiar mind.

Probably the latter. Heto nga at naiinis pang hindi ko kinuha ang sukli sa kanya.

Dapat siguro ay hindi ko na lang tinulungan ang babaeng ’to. I helped the wrong person.

Ilang beses na lumilingon sa ’kin ang babae habang may hinahanap na kung ano sa shoulder bag n’ya na mukhang balon yata ang lalim dahil hindi pa rin makita ang hinahanap. Inis na akong napabuntong-hininga.

“Just do your thing. I won’t go anywhere.”

She looked at me. Nagtagal ang tingin n’ya ng ilang segundo bago naningkit ang mga mata.

“Hindi ka aalis? Hindi mo ako tatakasan?” nagdududa pa n’yang tanong.

I had to grit my teeth to control my irritation.

“I won’t.”

Ilang sandali pa muna akong tinitigan ng babae. Mukhang pinag-iisipan talaga kung maniniwala sa ’kin o hindi. I stared back at her. Sinimangutan n’ya muna ako bago muling nagpatuloy sa paghahanap ng kung ano sa bag n’ya.

And I just stood there, watching. Pwedeng-pwede akong umalis pero wala na talaga sa isip kong gawin ’yon.

I didn’t want to regret helping this woman. Because I know Angela wouldn’t like that. Iyon din ang gagawin n’ya kung sakaling s’ya ang nakatabi ng babaeng ’to noon.

That woman had the same situation as mine back then. So, I thought she would be the best person to return Angela’s help gaya ng ibinilin n’ya sa ’kin noon.

Hindi ko naman alam na magkikita pa ulit kami ng babaeng ’to na itinago pala ang sukli at planong ibalik pa sa ’kin. I could leave her right now and just make sure we wouldn’t meet again.

But no. I wouldn’t. She seemed bothered by the change and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel bothered by Angela’s help. Ayokong maging ganoon ang epekto ng tulong na ginawa sa ’kin ni Angela noon.

I saw the woman take out her wallet. Mukhang iyon ang hinahanap kanina pa. And then she started to count her money in front of me. Napangiwi s’ya pagkatapos.

“Hala, two hundred na lang pala ang pera ko,” she mumbled which still reached my ears. Nag-angat s’ya ng tingin sa ’kin. “May Gcash ka?”

I blinked.

“What?” This was getting weirder and weirder. “Do I have what?”

“Gcash. Pengeng gcash number mo.”

I stared at her. Not sure what to say.

“I don’t have Gcash.”

Napasimangot tuloy ang babae.

“Wala kang Gcash?” hindi makapaniwala ang tono n’ya pero napasulyap sa likod ko at napatango-tango nang makita ang motor. “Sabagay. Mukha kang mayaman. Pa’no kapag online transaction ang payment mo?”

I didn’t have any ounce of idea why the hell she had to ask me that but I answered her anyway.

“I use my cards.”

Lumabi ang babae.

“Ooh… Mayaman ka nga. Kaya pala parang wala lang sa ’yo kung hindi mo makuha ’yung sukli ng isang libo.” Napatango-tanago pa s’ya. “Pahingi na lang ng number mo. ’Di ko kasi dala ’yung pera. Baka kasi magastos ko pa. Malay ko bang makikita pala kita ngayon.”

“Hindi mo na sana itinabi ang sukli,” I said with a sigh. This conversation was draining me.

“Gusto ko pa ring ibalik,” giit n’ya. “Sige na. Akin na number mo. Tatawagan kita sa restday ko. Ibabalik ko sa ’yo ’yung pera mo.”

I sighed. By the looks of this woman, mukhang wala talaga s’yang planong tigilan ako. She really was set on giving back the change to me.

I exhaled harshly. Para matapos na, ibinigay ko na ang contact number ko sa kanya. I was getting tired anyway. Mas napagod ako sa pakikipag-usap sa babaeng ’to.

I fought the urge to smile when she called the number that I just gave her. As if she was making sure that it really was my number. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung maiinis ako o ano. She even looked satisfied when my phone rang inside the pocket of my pants.

“Number ko ’yon. Tatawagan kita, ha? Sa restday ko pa kasi iyon lang free time ko. May trabaho pa kasi ako.”

“Alright,” sabi ko na lang para matapos na.

She smiled.

“Sige na. May pasok pa ’ko.”

Tumango lang ako at hindi na nagsalita.

“At… salamat nga pala sa tulong mo no’n. Sa pagbayad sa pamasahe ko.”

She finally said something that made sense.

I shook my head.

“No need. I just did what someone told me before. To help others as well.”

She stared at me for a while before giving me a wide smile.

“Pakisabi rin sa kanya, thank you.”

I felt a lump in my throat and forced a smile at her.

“I will.” As if I could.

Mas napangiti ang babae. Mukhang walang alam sa naging sakit na naramdaman ko dahil sa sinabi n’ya.

“Sige. Aalis na talaga ’ko.”

I nodded. Naglakad na palayo ang babae. Nang mawala s’ya sa paningin ko ay saka lang ako sumakay sa motor. I put on my helmet and started the engine before driving away.

Chapter 7

I started training Zrain when I figured that the kid was ready and could take anything I will teach him. I didn’t want to take Zrain’s childhood away from him. He was a child and I wanted him to enjoy being a child. Isa sa mga bagay na hindi namin nagawa noon.

I was worried at first, afraid that I might ruin his childhood with the training. Just like what the game did to us. Especially since the child rarely shows his emotions, I remembered that Creed was like that before he met Fatima.

It worried me that I might become like the gamemaster for Zrain. Taking away everything, our childhood, our happiness, and our safety while slowly ruining our lives. At kahit ngayong tapos na ang laro ay parang hindi pa rin kami makawala sa naging epekto sa amin ng laro.

I didn’t want to be like the gamemaster. I never want to be a monster.

Thankfully, Zrain has a soft spot for his family. And… he seemed to love music as well.

“Tito Lucius, listen to this. I can already play this part.”

Zrain looked excited. His fingers were already in place for the first chord. I smiled as I sat beside him.

Katatapos lang ng training n’ya at ang gitara agad ang kinuha ng bata. Pawisan pa nga at hindi na nag-abalang magpunas. He seemed like he was planning to show me what he learned with his guitar. Maybe that was why Zrain seemed more obedient that day during the training. Gustong matapos pala kaagad para maipakita at maiparinig sa ’kin ang natutunan n’ya sa paggigitara.

Zrain started strumming his guitar. Saglit kong pinakinggan muna ang tinutugtog n’ya bago ko nalaman ang kanta. I knew the song he was playing. I recognized it even though Zrain still couldn’t play it flawlessly. May ilang beses na napapatigil sa tuwing nagpapalit ng chords. Mukhang hindi pa sanay at hindi pa kabisado ang tamang pwesto ng mga daliri. His little fingers were having a hard time reaching the right places on the fretboard.

But I was still able to recognize the song he was playing. And it seemed like it was only the intro he could manage to play. Still, Zrain looked at me after he played the part. His face was void with emotion but his blue eyes said it all. There was a glint in his eyes telling me that he’s proud and he even looked smug.

I chuckled. Zrain’s expression looked very innocent and childlike. And I was glad to see that expression in him.

“Wow… That’s great, Zrain. You improved a lot since the last time.”

Kumuha ako ng hand towel at pinunasan ang mukha n’yang basa pa rin ng pawis bago ang likod n’ya naman ang pinunasan ko. Baka kasi matuyuan ng pawis at magkasakit. Helios might kill me.

“I did?” Zrain sounded excited. My smile widened before I nodded.

“Yeah… You couldn’t play a single chord before. Pero ngayon kaya mo nang tumugtog ng intro ng isang kanta. And soon, you’ll be able to play the whole song.” I ruffled his hair. “Madali ka namang turuan, Zrain. You’re a fast learner.”

It was true. Madaling turuan ang bata kaya hindi ako nahihirapan sa pag-train sa kanya. Nagmana yata kay Helios who’s smart. And to Zuri as well. Naaalala kong si Zuri lang ang tumagal na secretary ni Helios dahil maayos ang pagtatrabaho n’ya at madaling sumunod sa instructions.

I think Zrain inherited those traits from his parents. Isang beses ko pa lang kasi naituturo ang mga moves, nakukuha na agad ng bata. Kaya kung minsan, mas maagang natatapos ang training n’ya at ang natitirang oras ay ginugugol na sa paggigitara.

And it made me glad. I was so glad that Zrain seemed like he was enjoying himself. With his training and his love for music. Kahit pa hindi iyon madalas na nagpapakita sa mukha ng bata.

But of course, I knew it. I could see it in his eyes.

“I can’t wait to play a song in front of my family,” he said. His lips formed into a small smile.

I smiled and patted him on the head.

“It will happen. I’m sure of that.”

Zrain looked happy with that. He started playing his guitar again for the next part of the song. His eyes looked determined as he plucked his guitar. And I was happy seeing him like this so I remained sitting beside him and watched him play the instrument.

I was enjoying watching the kid hoping that I would also be able to see him make his way in the music industry someday. I know that Zrain has a good voice as well. Nasa dugo naman iyon ng mga Gallagher. I know that there is a big chance that Zrain will be a good musician in the future.

It surprised me when my phone rang. Seryoso kasi akong nanonood kay Zrain na napatigil din at napatingin pa sa ’kin dahil sa ginawang ingay ng phone ko. I tsked as I took it out inside the pocket of my shorts to check who the caller was.

I exhaled frustratedly when I saw who it was. Hindi ko sinagot ang tinawag. I put the phone in silent mode bago ibinalik iyon sa bulsa ng shorts ko.

“You won’t answer it?” tanong ni Zrain na nakatingin pa pala sa ’kin.

“No.”

“Is it a woman?”

I chuckled. Naningkit ang mga mata ko jhabang nakatingin kay Zrain.

“How did you know?”

Zrain shrugged his shoulders.

“You should just block her number if you don’t want her to keep calling you.”

Malakas akong natawa at hindi makapaniwalang napatyingin kay Zrain. I was so surprised as he looked so serious when he gave me that advice. Na para bang madalas n’yang gawin iyon.

What the hell? Saan natutunan ng batang ’to ang ganoon? And how the hell did he even know what to do when a woman keeps on calling him? Kung makapagbigay ng advice ang batang ’to, parang expert na expert, ah? Parang ilang beses nang naranasan ang ganoon. He even had a serious face when he said those words!

I chuckled. Is it from Helios? Ngayon pa lang, nakikini-kinita ko nang maraming mapapaiyak na babae ang batang ’to paglaki. What more if he became a musician? Baka bumaha na ng luha!

I took out my phone again and just what I thought, the woman was calling again. I sighed. It has been almost a year since the last encounter I had with that woman. The woman in the bus.

tatlong araw matapos no’n ay tinawagan nga ako ng babae. I figured the call was about those eight hundred sixty pesos again. Iyong sukli nga sa pamasahe na gusto n’yang ibalik sa ’kin. But I didn’t really have any plan of taking the change back. Kaya hindi ko rin sinagot ang tawag n’ya nu’ng araw na ’yon. Wala na rin akong planong makipagkita pa sa babae.

But the next week, the same day, she called me again. Mukhang ganoong araw yata ang rest day ng babae sa trabaho at planong makipagkita sa ’kin para sa sukli. Still, I didn’t answer her call.

But the woman kept on calling me. Hanggang sa halos isang taon ay hindi pa rin tumitigil sa pagtawag ang babae. She was so determined to return the change to me. Na paniguradong itinatabi pa rin ng babae ngayon at hindi pa rin ginagastos. or she still hasn’t helped anyone yet just like what I told her to.

I sighed. Ayaw n’yang mahirapang tumulong sa iba pero mas gugustuhin n’yang mahirapang meliphagid sa ’kin para ibalik ang sukli? The woman really was so fucking weird. Kakaiba ang pagiging determinado ng babaeng ’yon.

Maybe I should block her number like what Zrain said. Or I shouldn’t have given her my number in the first place. Edi wala sana akong ganitong problema ngayon.

But at that time, I felt like I have no other choice. Mukhang hindi talaga aalis ang babae noon kung hindi ko ibibigay ang contact number ko sa kanya.

Damn it. This is getting frustrating. Sa dinami-dami ba naman kasi ng taong pwede kong tulungan para ibalik ang ginawa ni Angela noon, talagang ang babae pang ’yon ang natulungan ko. I just wasn’t expecting that she’ll cause me this much stress someday.

When the call finally ended, I tapped my phone and decided to block the woman’s number so she couldn’t call me again. I was sure that our paths wouldn’t cross again anyway.

But it wasn’t long before I realized I was wrong. Hindi ko dapat ipinagsawalang bahala ang kasabihan na maliit ang mundo. Because months after, I was surprised when I saw that certain woman standing in front of me when I was about to go home from work. From the main branch of the hotel.

She suddenly appeared in front of me and bvlocked my way. It was clear that she was annoyed. Nakapameywang pa at nakatingin sa ’kin na para bang may ginawa akong malaking kasalanan sa kanya.

Marahas ang nagging buntong-hininga n’ya. She took out her phone and put it on her ear. Maya-maya ay ibinaba rin at muling may kinalikot sa phone n’ya. It wasn’t long before I heard my phone ringing inside the pocket of my slacks.

Ah… I get it. She must’ve used a different number to call mine. Now, she knew that I blocked her number. Patunay noon ang naiiritang tingin n’ya sa ’kin.

“Talagang bl-in-ock mo ang number ko!” hindi makapaniwala n’yang sabi.

I sighed. Napahagod ako sa buhok ko.

“Sinabi ko na kasi sa ’yong huwag mo nang itabi ’yung sukli. Use it for whatever you want for fuck’s sake!”

“Eh, ayoko nga, eh! Gusto kong ibalik sa ’yo kasi hindi naman ’yon sa ’kin!”

“Sa ’yo na ’yon.” Nauubos na talaga ang pasensya ko.

“Ayoko ngang tanggapin! Hindi naman lahat ng ibinibigay ng iba, tatanggapin na agad.”

I took a deep breath. I had a very long day. The company had a problem and I spent the whole day fixing it. Marami rin akong kinausap na mga tao ngayon dahil sa problemang ’yon at pagod na pagod na ako.

“Alright,” sabi kong sumusuko na. “Just give it to me.”

God… I’m so fucking tired. Sumasakit na rin ang ulo ko.

The woman smiled. She looked satisfied that she won against me.

“Kukunin din naman pala, eh, pinaabot pa ng ilang taon,” bulong-bulong n’yang sabi habang may kinukuha sa shoulder bag n’ya.

Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Baka humaba pa ang pagtatalunan naming.

“Oh,” she said as she extended her arm. Ang kamay ay nakakuyom at may hawak na kung ano. I figured it was the money.

I held out my hand. Her smile widened as she gave me the money.

“What’s going on here?”

Pareho kami ng babaeng napalingon sa nagsalita. It was Ishtar. There was a look in her eyes that told me she didn’t like what she saw. May inis sa mga mata n’ya nang tingnan ang babae bago ibinaling ang tingin sa ’kin.

“Lucius, who is she?” Ishtar demanded. She looked as if she was hurt.

I exhaled frustratedly. Oh, you’ve to be fucking kidding me. I didn’t need any of these now. I didn’t like the tone in Ishtar’s voice when she asked that. Idagdag pa ang babaeng katabi ko na lumapit sa ’kin para bumulong.

“Girlfriend mo?” she whispered. Naiinis na napatingin ako sa kanya.

“Of course not.”

“Who are you?”

Sabay kaming napatingin ng babae kay Ishtar who was looking at the girl with an annoyed and disgusted look on her face. Maging ang paraan n’ya ng pagtatanong sa babae ay pataray din.

The woman seemed oblivious to Ishtar’s annoyance. She even smiled at her.

“Oh, I’m Ada—”

“Why are you here?” putol ko sa sinasabi ng babae nang hindi inaalis ang tingin kay Ishtar.

I could feel my head throbbing which I realized always happen whenever Ishtar was around. Sakit sa ulo talaga ang babaeng ’to.

Yeah… She was always like that. Even before. She was spoiled. Sa palagay ko ay kasalanan ko rin dahil ibinigay ko ang lahat ng hiling n’ya. And my father, who loves Ishtar like his own, made sure of that. He told me that I should protect her as well.

Ginawa ko ang lahat ng ’yon. I treated Ishtar like my sister, protecting her and giving her anything she wanted. With the help of Loki who knew about Ishtar and about me being the King of EL Ordre. We protected the Queen of the team.

But I couldn’t believe that after all of those, Ishtar would do something like that. She gave Angela’s information to the enemies. Because she thought of her as a hindrance, to the team and her feelings for me. And the enemies used that information to prove who was the real King of EL Ordre.

I won’t ever forgive Ishtar. I won’t. Namatay si Angela nang hindi n’ya nalalaman kung bakit. Kung para saan ang pagkamatay n’ya. She was so innocent. Wala s’yang alam sa lahat and yet… And yet she was killed.

Nakita kong lumambot ang tingin ni Ishtar nang tumingin sa ’kin at makita ang galit sa mga mata ko.

“I just want to know if you’ll come to my birthday party. Your dad prepared it for me.” Alanganin s’yang napangiti. “Pupunta ka ba?”

Walang buhay akong natawa. Ah, right. Her birthday is just around the corner. Nawala na iyon sa isip ko. Kinalimutan ko na ang lahat tungkol sa kanya simula nang malaman ko ang ginawa n’ya.

“Hindi ka pa ba napapagod, Ishtar?” I asked. “Kasi ako pagod na. I’m so tired to all of this.”

The hurt on her face was so much more visible now. Hindi na n’ya iyon naitago kahit na pa alam kong ayaw n’yang ipakita ang kahinaan n’ya sa ibang tao. Especially now that we’re still outside, in front of the hotel and a lot could see that expression on her face.

“I’m just taking a chance, Lucius. Ang tagal din naman nu’ng huli tayong nagkita.”

Yeah… That time when she waited for me at my place. Kaya umalis ako at nagkita kami ng babaeng inilibre ko ng pamasahe sa bus.

“I won’t come to your birthday party, Ishtar,” I said with finality. “And I hope this will be the last time we’ll see each other again.”

“May pinagsamahan din naman tayo, Lucius!” she said even before I could walk away. “You’ll just gonna throw it all away?”

Marahas akong napabuntong-hininga bago s’ya muling tiningnan.

“It was you who first threw everything away. The moment you told to the enemies about Angela.”

I saw how she fought so hard to hide the pain on her face. Namasa ang mga mata n’ya pero wala akong kahit anong maramdaman doon. I was so damn tired of her drama.

She looked at the woman, Ada, beside me na hindi ko alam nandoon pa pala at mukhang nagtataka na palipat-lipat ang tingin sa ’min ni Ishtar.

“Is she your new girl?” may hinanakit na tanong ni Ishtar.

I stared at Ishtar. I couldn’t help the smirk on my lips. I remembered I saw this look on her face too when she learned about Angela.

“Why? Ipapapatay mo ba ulit s’ya kapag sinabi kong oo?”

Ada looked shocked beside me. Ramdam ko ang biglaang paglingon n’ya sa ’kin. While Ishtar looked like she’d been hit by a brick on her face.

I chuckled. Napapailing ko s’yang tiningnan.

“Stop this already, Ishtar. I want nothing to do with you,” I said before walking inside the hotel again.

Chapter 8

Tuloy-tuloy lang akong naglalakad papasok ng hotel. The plan to go to my place and rest was completely out of my mind now. Not after I saw Ishtar. Baka pumunta na naman sa unit ko at pilitin pa ’kong um-attend sa party n’ya.

The guard greeted me and I just nodded at them in response. I feel so exhausted. Tumigil ako saglit sa paglalakad para pagmasdan ang hotel, just a few steps from the entrance.

Anyone could tell that this is a luxury hotel as soon as they went in. It would give them that vibe. The place was so clean. People were talking in hushed voices. The staff had that friendly yet formal and professional smile. Maging sa pakikipag-usap ay ganoon din sila.

I’ve established this hotel for so many years. I’ve became successful na kahit hindi ko tutukan ang pamamalakad ay alam kong walang magiging problema. The hotel chain was so successful now that I could already take a leave. I’ve earned a lot of money that even if I die, hindi pa rin mauubos ’yon and this hotel would still continue to earn.

Anyone could say that I’ve already got everything. I’m a successful businessman with a well-established hotel chain. And yet… and yet there’s still that hollow part in my chest, or my world rather, that no one and nothing could ever fill.

I heaved a deep sigh. It was getting worse as the days went by. Hindi naman ganitong kalala noon. Probably because there was still that stupid game that I needed to focus on. Dahil hindi lang buhay ko ang nakasalalay noon. I had to remain focused and not let my emotions hinder the task. Kung hindi ay mapapahamak lahat.

But now… Now that there was nothing to take my mind off the memories, it was making things harder for me. I found it hard waking up every morning just to have the same routine again. And face the fact that Angela was gone. Na hindi na s’ya babalik pa kahit tapos na ang laro. Kahit ano pa’ng gawin ko.

“Promise, Kuya guard! Kilala nga ako ng lalaking ’yon! Pssst! Lucius!”

I heard a commotion so I turned to look that way. Nakita ko si Ada, wasn’t even sure if that was her full name but I decided to call her that. Pinipigilan s’ya ng mga guard sa pagpasok. Probably because she looked like she wasn’t staying in the hotel.

Naningkit ang mga mata ko. That’s discrimination and it was one of my staff’s training not to discriminate against someone. Because you never know who will be a hotel guest. Kaya hindi ko nagustuhan ang pagpipigil nila kay Ada.

But then… This girl have given me enough stress.

“Lucius! ’Di ba kilala mo ’ko? Sabihin mo nga sa kanila.” The woman looked at me hopefully. As if she was looking at her savior.

I decided to play with her a little.

“How do you know my name?” I asked. “Hindi ko matandaang sinabi ko sa ’yo ang pangalan ko.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata n’ya. Tiningnan kasi s’ya ng mga guard na may pagdududa sa mga mata.

“Kanina, sa labas! Nabanggit nu’ng babae ’yung pangalan mo. ’Yung Ishtar?”

“Oh, right,” I muttered, impressed that she caught our names just by the conversation, or confrontation rather, we had earlier.

She looked at the guards. She had a smug look on her face.

“Sabi ko sa inyo, mga kuya, kilala ako n’yang guest n’yo, eh,” may pagmamalaking sabi n’ya.

I fought the urge to smile.

“Hindi ko nga alam ang pangalan mo,” I said.

She glared at me as a warning.

“Eh, pa’no pinutol mo ’yung pagpapakilala ko!” inis n’yang sabi.

I chuckled.

“Ada, right?”

“Oo!” Her face lit up. “Adalina talaga pero nickname ko ’yang Ada.”

I looked at the guards who were waiting for my orders. Tinanguan ko sila. They let go of the girl who fixed herself first. Nang tuluyang makapasok naman sa hotel ay mukhang nakalimutan agad ako.

She looked around. There was fascination on her face as she stared at the displays, particularly at the chandelier above.

“Wow… Grabe…” She looked at me. “Dito ka tumutuloy?”

I just shrugged my shoulders. Iniikot n’ya ulit ang mga mata n’ya sa paligid. She looked like a child. Her mouth even slightly opened.

“Mayaman ka nga…” sabi n’ya nang muli akong tingnan. “Obvious naman na pang mayaman ang hotel na ’to.”

“Why are you here?” I asked and she looked at me. “Why did you follow me here?”

“Iniwan mo ’ko sa labas, eh.”

I frowned. Hinding-hindi ko talaga maiintindihan kung paano mag-isip ang babaeng ’to.

“I thought we’re done? Naibalik mo na sa ’kin ’yung sukli. Nang sapilitan. Tinanggap ko ’yung pera. Nang sapilitan.” Pinagdiinan ko pa ang dalawang huling salita.

“Iyon na nga, eh.” She looked frustrated. “Gusto ko lang namang ibalik sa ’yo ’yung sukli mo. Pero bakit may patayan akong narinig kanina?”

“What?”

“Sabi mo papatayin ako ng babaeng ’yon!” Itinuro n’ya pa ang labas.

I pursed my lips. Pinipigilan ang pagngiti.

“Sinabi ko naman kasi sa ’yong itago mo na lang ’yung pera.”

“Malay ko ba namang may patayang nagaganap sa inyo!”

I chuckled. Hindi na napigilan ang pagtawa. She looked so scared. Mukhang nagsisisi na yata s’yang nakita pa ako ngayon. Mukhang nagsisising nagkita ulit kami at ipinagpilitan pang ibalik sa ’kin ang sukli.

Napatitig sa ’kin si Ada. She looked daze for quite a while. Pagkatapos ay kumurap at sumimangot.

“Pero seryoso. May pinatay ’yung babaeng ’yon?”

Natahimik ako. I didn’t want to talk about it so I didn’t answer. Pero may pagkamakulit talaga ang babaeng ’to dahil nagsalita ulit s’ya tungkol doon.

“Ay, hindi. Pinapatay, ’di ba? Bakit hindi mo pa s’ya pinapakulong?”

I took a deep breath. I brushed my hair with my fingers. Unti-unti na namang nauubos ang pasensya ko. It was making my head ache even more.

“It isn’t that simple,” I said, “besides, the justice system in this country is really fucked up.”

Napatango-tango s’ya. Mukhang nakukuha na ang punto ko. May sasabihin pa sana s’ya pero naagaw ang atensyon n’ya ng isang VIP guest na ilang araw nang naka-check in sa hotel.

It was some male celebrity who smiled at her when he saw her staring. Tinanguan din ako ng lalaki nang makilala ako. He was about to approach me, mangangamusta lang siguro. But I shook my head lightly. He looked at Ada and it was a good thing he understood what I meant. Pinagpatuloy na n’ya lang ang paglalakad.

“Nginitian n’ya ’ko!” sabi ni Ada na humawak pa sa braso ko at niyugyog iyon na parang kinikilig. Napatingin lang ako sa kamay n’yang nakahawak sa ’kin. “Ang gwapo n’ya, grabe!”

“Alright…” I said with a sigh.

“Pangmayaman nga ’tong hotel! Mayaman ka nga!” she exclaimed.

“Mr. D’Angelo! Sir.”

Mariin akong napapikit nang marinig ang pagtawag na ’yon ng secretary ko. Naramdaman ko rin ang pagtigil n’ya sa tabi ko. I took a deep breath before I looked at him.

“Yes, Glenn?”

“Nag-follow up po ’yung Cebu branch kung nabasa n’yo na raw ’yung report nila,” he said. He was holding an iPad. Ipinakita n’ya sa ’kin ang sinasabing report. “They said they needed your approval before they operate, Sir.”

“I’ll read it later.”

“And one of the VIPs staying in the South wing is requesting for another electric guitar.”

I frowned.

“What happened with the guitar we lend him?”

“Apparently, he broke the guitar, Sir.”

Mas lumalim ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko.

“What the fuck is he doing with the guitar? Beat someone with it?” I said, irritated. Natawa lang si Glenn. “Just give what he wants.”

“Alright, Sir.”

Umalis na si Glenn. Muli akong napahagod sa buhok ko nang manakit na naman ang ulo ko. I knew that VIP guest was quite a headache. Hindi lang kahit anong electric guitar ang gusto noon. He wanted the most expensive brand.

Napatingin ako kay Ada na nakatitig sa ’kin, bahagyang nakaawang ang mga labi. Napasulyap s’ya sa direksyong nilakaran ni Glenn pagkatapos ay muling ibinalik ang tingin sa ’kin. She was about to say something but it seemed like she wasn’t able to form a sentence so she chose to close her mouth instead.

She stared hard at me again. I knew there was an idea forming inside her head. I waited for her to catch what was happening. Napansin kong madali n’yang magagawa ’yon nang malaman n’ya agad ang pangalan namin ni Ishtar base lang sa naging pag-uusap namin sa labas.

“Manager ka nitong hotel?” she asked.

Hindi ko s’ya sinagot. Mukha kasing nagtatalo pa ang isip n’ya dahil nakita ko rin ang pag-iling n’ya.

She looked around again. Napatitig s’ya sa front desk. There, on the wall just behind the receptionists, was written the name of the hotel and the logo of the company.

“D’Angelo Hotels…” I saw her lips move as she mouthed the words. Napatingin ulit s’ya sa ’kin. “Tinawag ka nu’ng lalaki na Mr. D’Angelo. Mukha s’yang secretary mo.”

Ilang sandali n’ya pa akong tinitigan bago nanlalaki ang mga matang tumingin sa ’kin. She gasped loudly. Tinakpan pa ng mga kamay ang bibig.

“Ikaw ang may-ari nitong hotel?” She looked like she couldn’t even believe it. “Kaya pala parang wala lang sa ’yo ’yung isang libo! Pinamimigay mo lang! Kasi sobrang yaman mo pala talaga…”

Napakamot ako sa gilid ng kilay ko. I just stood there, watching her as she tried to take everything in.

“Kung alam ko lang na ganito ka talaga kayaman at mukhang hindi mo kailangan ’yung sukli, edi sana ginastos ko na lang talaga,” she mumbled to herself. “Nakasakay ka kasi sa bus no’n. Malay ko bang mayaman ka.”

I let out a soft chuckle.

“Aren’t you going to work?” I asked.

Mukha kasing papasok pa lang s’ya sa trabaho. I noticed her shoulder-length hair was in a mess. Umalis yata sa bahay nang hindi pa tuyo ang buhok at natuyo na lang ng hangin sa byahe. Ganoong klase ng gulo ang buhok n’ya. I think she’s on a night shift.

With that, I saw her eyes widen. She glanced at her wristwatch and I saw panic in her eyes.

“Hala, mali-late na ’ko!” she exclaimed. Nagmamadaling tumalikod sa ’kin at lalabas na sana pero ilang hakbang lang ay bumalik ulit sa harap ko.

“What is it now?” tanong ko. Wala na ang iritasyon kanina.

“Ihatid mo naman ako.”

I blinked.

“What?”

“Ihatid mo ’ko. Baka nasa labas pa ’yung babae. Sundan ako ta’s ipapatay ako.”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang tuluyang matawa. There was panic and fear in her eyes. Now, I know I shouldn’t have laughed about it but I just couldn’t really help it.

“Do you think you’re in a horror movie?”

“Horror movie ka d’yan! Ikaw na kaya nagsabing may pinapatay ang babaeng ’yon!”

Alright… Now that makes sense. Nabanggit ko rin yata kanina na baka may planong ipapatay din s’ya ni Ishtar dahil nakitang magkasama kami.

“I’ll just fetch you a taxi.”

Mariin s’yang umiling.

“Pa’no kung binayaran n’ya ’yung driver tapos ipa-kidnap ako at ipapatay?” She sounded paranoid.

Malakas na akong natawa.

“You really should stop watching horror movies.”

Sinimangutan n’ya ako.

“Sige na kasi! Mali-late na ’ko!”

Napailing na ako.

“Alright.”

She smiled. Pinauna pa talaga ako sa paglabas. Iniisip yatang bigla na naman akong mawawala sa paningin n’ya at tatakasan ko s’ya. She didn’t trust me, I noticed. Ganoon din kasi ang iniisip n’ya no’n, about a year ago when we met again.

“Tapos pala, four a.m. ’yung out ko mamaya. Madilim pa ’yon kaya pasundo na rin sana,” sabi n’ya nang nasa labas na kami. I instructed the valet to call a cab for us because I was planning to go back here to the hotel afterwards.

“What?” Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ko nang nasabi ’yon.

This woman is unbelievable.

“Malay ko ba namang magkakaroon ng banta sa buhay ko. Sana talaga hindi ko na lang ibinalik sa ’yo ’yung sukli.”

“That’s what I told you, right?”

“Oo na. Oo na. Nagsisi na nga. Tapos mayaman ka pala.”

I grinned inwardly. Sumakay na kami sa taxi at nagpahatid si Ada sa isang coffee shop. Just a few blocks away from the hotel.

“You’re working here?” I asked when we were finally in front of the coffee shop. Pinagbuksan ko s’ya ng pinto.

“Yup! Walang masyadong customer kapag night shift. Lalo na sa midnight. Kaya magaan ang shift ko.” She glanced at the taxi before looking at me again. “Ikaw na magbabayad ng pamasahe?”

Mahina akong natawa bago tumango.

“Yeah…”

She smiled. Inayos n’ya ang pagkakasukbit ng shoulder bag sa balikat n’ya.

“Kapag gusto mo ng kausap, punta ka lang dito ng mga two a.m. Wala na talagang customer n’un.”

I frowned.

“What do you mean?”

She shrugged her shoulders.

“Wala lang. Mukha kasing kailangan mo ng kausap.” She smiled again. “Sige na. Kailangan ko nang mag time-in.”

Tumango ako.

“Okay.”

“Pasundo mamaya, ah?”

I smirked at her.

“Nakahanap ka ng instant taga-hatid at sundo, huh?”

Natawa s’ya. Nahihiyang napakamot sa gilid ng leeg.

“Thank you na agad! See you mamaya!” Hindi na n’ya ako hinintay makasagot at pumasok na sa shop.

Napailing na lang ako bago pumasok ulit sa loob ng taxi.

Third Letter

Dear Angela,

I miss the mornings when you would wake me

up and

I would ask an additional five minutes of sleep.

That was something I regretted. I should’ve gotten up when you asked me to so I could spend more time with you.

Now, I wish I could be with you even for just five seconds once again.

Always loving you,

Lucius

Chapter 9

It was dark when I opened my eyes. The only source of light was the moonlight passing through the wall glass. I was back in my room at my place with no idea how I got there. Hindi ko rin namalayan na nakatulog ako sa kabila ng sakit ng ulo ko. My head was still throbbing in pain when I woke up.

I groaned. Bumiling ako sa higaan pero napatigil din nang mapansing hindi lang ako nag-iisa sa kwarto. May babaeng nakaupo sa gilid ng kama ko. Just beside me.

Her back was facing me. Her long black hair flowed down beautifully to her waist. Some parts of her hair were in front of her. Kaya napansin ko ang manipis na strap sa balikat n’ya ng suot n’yang puting bestida. Tuwid na tuwid ang likod n’ya sa pagkakaupo.

At kahit na nakatalikod s’ya sa ’kin, kahit na makalimutan ko pa yata ang lahat, hinding-hindi s’ya makakalimutan ng puso ko.

“Angela…?”

Oh, thank God…. It was all just a dream. She’s here. Inside my room. With me. Gigisingin n’ya ako na palagi n’yang ginagawa kapag napasukan n’ya akong tulog sa kwarto ko. Sasabihin n’yang nakahanda na ang almusal. She wanted us to eat breakfast together.

That was one of the usual mornings I always look forward to too. Na kahit paulit-ulit pang mangyari, hinding-hindi ko pagsasawaan. And I wanted this to last a lifetime.

“Angel—”

Napatigil ako sa pagsasalita nang makitang unting-unting nagkakaroon ng mantsa ang parte ng damit n’ya sa likod. It was one spot at first. Until it became two. Parami nang parami iyon at kumakalat nang mabilis. Her dressed was being soaked with it. Until it looked like she wasn’t wearing a white dress anymore but in a different color now. The darkness of my room made the color even darker.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng panlalamig. A metal scent filled the air. It was a scent that was so familiar to me.

Slowly, Angela turned to look at me. Her face was as pale as paper. The moonlight illuminated one side of her face, casting a shadow from the other side. Ang buhok n’yang mahaba ay nakabagsak sa magkabilang gilid ng mukha n’ya.

Ganoong-ganoon ang itsura n’ya nang huli ko s’yang makita. The last time I held her in my arms. Until her body became rigid and cold.

But still, I was thankful for this moment. Dahil nakita ko ulit ang mukha n’ya kahit pa gaano kasakit sa ’kin ang makita s’yang ganito.

How many times did I wish to see her again? How many times did I hope to spend some time with her? Na kahit ilang segundo lang ang ibigay sa ’kin ay makukuntento na ako. How many times did I wish to hold her again? How many times did I wish to hear her voice again?

Napakaraming beses nang sa tingin ko ay kung may nakakarinig man ay nagsasawa na sa hiling kong paulit-ulit. Pero hinding-hindi ko titigilan ang paghiling ng mga bagay na ’yon. Kahit mawalan man ako ng boses.

I looked at her eyes and they were bloodshot with unshed tears. She was looking at me, full of anger, and I couldn’t do anything but stared back at her and accepted her anger. ’Wag lang s’yang mawala sa paningin ko.

Inangat ko ang kamay ko at sinubukang abutin ang mukha n’ya. Somehow, my body felt heavy. Pero nilabanan ko iyon. I wanted to hold her again.

God, please. Let me hold her again.

The moment my palm reached her cheek, I felt the coldness of her body. Gone was the warmth I always felt whenever I held her. Gone was the warmth that I always liked to feel. Gone was the warmth that comforted me whenever I felt alone.

Para bang sinasampal sa ’kin ngayon ang mga nangyari noon. Na kahit ilang taon pa ang lumipas ay hinding-hindi ko matatakasan.

“Oh, love…” My voice cracked. “I’m so sorry.”

“Ikaw dapat ang namatay, hindi ako,” she said. Her voice sounded as cold as her skin. Pero ang mga mata ay nag-aapoy sa galit.

I nodded. I gulped but I just felt pain as my throat constricted.

“I’m sorry…”

Pero mas lalo lang nagliyab sa galit ang mga mata n’ya. Ibang-iba sa emosyong nasa mga mata n’ya noong una ko s’yang makita. Wala na ang pagiging inosente. Para bang nilamon na s’ya ng galit. And there was no one to blame but me.

Her hands were shaking as she reached for my neck. Hindi ako pumalag nang pumalibot ang malalamig n’yang mga daliri sa leeg ko. I didn’t even try to make a move. Tinanggap ko lang ang gusto n’yang gawin sa ’kin.

Gumalaw s’ya at pinaibabawan ako nang hindi pa rin tinatanggal ang mga kamay sa leeg ko. She straddled me and I just remained lying on my bed. Her hair fell on my face, blinding my sight with nothing but her pale face and her eyes full of rage as she looked down at me. Her hands tightened around my neck until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Wala kang karapatang mabuhay,” punong-puno ng galit na sabi n’ya at mas hinigpitan pa ang pagkakasakal sa ’kin.

My chest tightened. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit sa dibdib ko sa kawalan ng hangin doon. I tried to gasp for an air pero mukhang mas lalo lang nagalit si Angela sa ginawa ko at halos bumaon na ang mga kuko sa leeg ko.

“Mamatay ka na, Lucius.”

I nodded even though it was hard for me to move. I cupped her face and stared at her as my vision blurred with tears.

“I love you so much, Angela…”

Mas humigpit lang ang mga kamay n’ya sa leeg ko. I was just lying there, ready to die. But when I thought I was about to, I heard a loud sound that woke me up from sleep.

I jolted awake. Napabalikwas ako ng bangon, gasping for air. I could hear myself wheezing. I coughed but felt excruciating pain in my chest. As if my heart really did stop beating for a moment. Pero kasabay noon ay naramdam ko rin ang sobrang sakit ng ulo ko at ang pakiramdam ng pagbaliktad ng sikmura ko.

Mabilis kong tinakbo ang banyo na nasa loob lang kwarto ko. I knelt in front of the toilet bowl and vomited. Hindi ko pinansin ang sakit ng ulo ko. Hindi ko pinansin ang sakit sa dibdib ko at patuloy lang na sumuka. Tears pooled in my eyes as I did so.

And when my stomach finally calmed down, nanghihina na lang akong napaupo sa sahig ng banyo. Hinayaan kong tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ko nang maalala ang naging panaginip ko kanina.

Fuck. I feel shit. I hated this feeling but I know I deserve it. Wala akong karapatang magreklamo sa nararamdaman ko. Because this is the punishment to me for what happened to Angela.

I stood up and stared at the mirror. I even looked like shit that I almost couldn’t recognize myself. My hair was all over the place. Pawis na pawis din ako pero nandoon pa rin ang malamig na pakiramdam. I figured out I was sick.

Still, I took a bath and got ready for work. Wala akong karapatang magpahinga. Ayokong magpahinga. I wanted to get out of this place so much as I felt like I was on the verge of going crazy.

Kapag nabaliw ako, baka makalimutan ko si Angela. And I didn’t want that to happen. I need to keep my sanity intact for her memories. Dahil iyon na lang ang natitirang meron ako sa kanya.

“Good morning, Mr. D’Angelo,” bati ni Glenn sa ’kin na tumayo mula sa pwesto n’ya nang makita ako.

I just nodded at him and continued walking to my office. Ramdam ko ang pagsunod sa ’kin ng secretary ko. Pabagsak akong umupo sa swivel chair at bumuntong-hininga.

I closed my eyes tightly. Fuck, my head was throbbing. Nahihilo ako. I forgot to drink medicine dahil okupado ang isip ko sa naging panaginip ko kanina.

Damn it. It’s okay. I was thankful for that dream. At least, I got to see Angela’s face again.

“Sir, are you alright?”

Dumilat ako sa tanong na ’yon ni Glenn. He was staring at me. Nahalata siguro na hindi maganda ang nararamdaman ko pero tumango ako sa kanya.

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

“Do you want me to cancel your appointments for today?”

Saglit akong nag-isip. Pinakiramdam ko ang sarili ko. I don’t think I could talk to anyone right now, even more close a deal with investors. Kaya tumango ako kay Glenn.

“Yeah. Do that, please,” I said and closed my eyes.

Tumango si Glenn.

“Ihahatid ko rin ba ulit si Miss Adalina mamaya, Sir?”

Napadilat ako. Right. Ngayon ko lang naalala ulit ang babaeng ’yon.

Isang linggong hinatid at sinundo ni Glenn si Ada sa trabaho n’ya. The woman became paranoid and I couldn’t blame her for that. Kahit nga kay Glenn ay hindi nagtitiwala. I just assured her that he was my secretary and the guy had been working for me for as long as I could remember so I assured her that she could trust him too.

But after a week, mukhang kumalma na si Ada. Sinabing hindi na kailangang ihatid at sunduin s’ya. Nahihiya na raw.

Tinatamaan din pala ng hiya ang babaeng ’yon.

Umiling ako kay Glenn.

“You don’t have to do that anymore. She’ll be fine now.”

Magalang na tumango sa ’kin si Glenn.

“Okay, Sir. I’ll let you rest. Babalik na ako sa pwesto ko.”

Nang makaalis si Glenn ay isinandal ko ang buong bigat sa backrest ng swivel chair. Kararating ko lang, wala pa nga akong ginagawa pero pakiramdam ko ay pagod na pagod na ako.

Fuck. My head hurts so fucking much.

I wanted to take a rest for the day but I didn’t want to do that at my place. Not after what I’ve dreamt about. Kahit panaginip lang ang lahat ay ramdam ko pa rin ang lamig ng mga daliri ni Angela sa leeg ko, ang galit n’yang tingin sa ’kin, at ang lamig ng balat n’ya nang sinubukan kong hawakan s’ya.

It’s okay… It’s okay… At least I felt her again.

At mukhang pinaparusahan nga ako ng mundo dahil bumisita rin si Dad sa opisina ko ng araw na ’yon. Of all the time, he chose to visit me that day.

“Natutulog ka pa ba, Lucius?” iyon ang bungad na tanong n’ya sa ’kin nang makapasok sa opisina at makita ako.

I sighed.

“Yeah…” I even dreamt about Angela, Dad. “What are you doing here?”

Ilang saglit na tumitig sa ’kin si dad.

“I just wanted to check on you, son. And I can see that you’re not doing well.”

“I’m fine,” mariin kong sabi. “Just… Just stress out because of work.”

“You should take a break,” he said. “I can watch the company for a while you’re gone.”

“I said I’m fine, Dad. Don’t worry about me.”

He didn’t say anything after that. Itinuon ko ang atensyon ko sa mga papeles na nasa harap ko kahit pakiramdam ko ay binibiyak ang ulo ko sa sakit. I didn’t want to look my father in the eye. He will know I’m lying.

I heard him sigh.

“Ishtar told me you refused her invitation to her birthday party.”

Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Ngayon pa talaga?

Inis na akong nag-angat ng tingin.

“Iyon talaga ang pinunta mo rito, right?”

“No,” he said so surely. “Gusto talaga kitang kumustahin, Lucius.”

“I won’t go to her party,” I said. “I never want to do anything with her again.”

“Okay, I know,” sabi ni dad nang makitang nagagalit na ako. “It’s he just that… She just looked so sad when she told me that. She’s looking forward to that party, you know.”

“I don’t fucking care, Dad! Damn it!”

“Wala ka bang planong mag-asawa, Lucius?” he asked out of the blue but I know this was related to Ishtar again. I think she told him what she felt about me.

“Will you please leave me alone?” Napatayo na ako sa galit.

Natahimik si Dad. Mariin akong napapikit nang muling sumakit ang ulo ko. I took a deep breath and sat back down again.

“Can you leave?” I said. “I don’t need any of this right now. Just… Leave, Dad… Please.”

Marahang tumango si Dad. Mukhang nahalata na rin yatang hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko.

“I’ll visit again, son.”

Marahas akong napabuntong-hininga nang tuluyang makaalis si Dad. Glenn gave me medicine earlier pero hindi naman nawala ang pananakit ng ulo ko.

Maybe the world was really punishing me. Para kasing nagsabay-sabay ang lahat ngayon. I thought I would feel better after the game ended but… Things were getting worse every fucking day.

But I don’t have the right to complain, right? I could only accept all of this. Parusa sa ’kin ang lahat ng ’to dahil sa nangyari kay Angela.

I stayed at the office for the day. Kahit na sumapit ang dis-oras ng gabi ay nanatili lang ako roon. Kanina pa nakauwi si Glenn. Pero ako ay nanatali lang na nakapikit at nakasandal sa swivel chair.

I could see Angela’s face as I closed my eyes. Sinubukan kong alalahanin ang mukha n’ya noon. Back then when she was full of life. I tried to remember her smile, which I love so much. I tried to remember the look in her eyes full of love.

Pero hindi ko na makita ang lahat ng ’yon. All I could see was her pale face and her bloodshot eyes full of anger. At ako ang dahilan ng lahat ng ’yon.

I’m so sorry…

Napapitlag pa ako nang marinig ang pagtunong ng phone ko. Wala na sana akong planong sagutin ang kung sinumang tumatawag sa ’kin sa ganitong oras na mukhang walang planong pagpahingahin ako. Pero makulit ang tumatawag. I reached for my phone and saw that it was Ada who’s calling.

Sighing, I accepted her call.

“Lucius?” Her voice was quiet from the other line. Halos bumubulong na. Mukhang ayaw na may makarinig ng sasabihin n’ya.

“Yeah?”

“Uhm… Ano kasi…”

I frowned. It wasn’t her to hold back from what she wanted to say.

“Is there a problem?”

Ilang sandali bago s’ya muling nagsalita. I noticed there was fear in her voice.

“Si Ishtar… Nandito kasi s’ya sa coffee shop ngayon.”

Chapter 10

Happy birthday to this beloved gentle soul, Lucius D’Angelo. I hope on your next birthday, I could wish you the happiest birthday.

---

Wala akong inaksayang oras. Mabilis ang naging kilos ko. I ignored the throbbing pain in my head as I dashed to the elevator. Hindi pa man tuluyang nakabukas ang pinto noon ay pumasok na agad ako sa loob. Halos masira na ang close button sa madiin at paulit-ulit kong pagpindot para muling magsara ang pinto.

The ride down to the parking lot was hellish. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. I wasn’t sure if it was because of my fever or the fear in me thinking of what Ishtar might do to Ada at sa kung ano’ng maaring maabutan ko.

But there was nothing I could do but lean on the wall and watch the number indicator change as the elevator went down. I took several deep breath to calm my nerves but it wasn’t working.

Fuck… Fuck! It’s happening again. Ishtar is doing it again. Nandadamay na naman s’ya ng inosenteng tao. I was sure it was because of me, that’s why she was bothering Ada now.

Damn it. When will she ever stop? Lahat na lang ba ng mapapalapit at makikilalang kong babae, guguluhin n’ya? Is she really that desperate?

I failed. I failed again. I shouldn’t have let her see her Ada. I shouldn’t have let her think that something was going on between me and Ada. I should’ve told her who Ada really was when she asked before. Hindi na n’ya sana guguluhin ang babae ngayon.

Fucking shit. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sakaling masaktan n’ya man si Ada. The woman was so innocent who just wanted to bring back the change to me.

Bakit ba kasi hindi ko kaagad kinuha ang sukli sa kanya noon? Bakit ba kasi hindi eksaktong pamasahe ang ibinigay ko sa bus noon? Bakit ba kasi hindi ko na lang hinintay na masuklian ako noon? Hindi na sana mangungulit si Ada na ibalik pa sa ’kin ang sukli.

Mabilis kong tinakbo kung saan naka-park ang motor ko nang bumukas ang elevator. My hands were shaking so fucking much as I put on my helmet. Hindi pa nakatulong ang malakas na kabog sa dibdib ko. I was terrified that I might be too late. I was terrified that I wouldn’t save an innocent woman again.

Please… Let me make it in time.

I drove too fast. The sound of my big bike cut through the silence of midnight street. Ramdam ko pa rin ang malamig na simoy ng hangin na mas lalo lang yatang nagpadagdag sa panginginig ng katawan ko.

Hindi ko mapigilang hindi maalala ang nangyari kay Angela. Nahuli ako ng dating noon. I was already too late. I couldn’t save her. There was nothing I could do but hold her body in my arms. Her blood was soaking my clothes but I didn’t let go of her. Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang hawakan at yakapin na lang ang katawan n’yang wala nang buhay.

Mas lalong hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung mangyayari na naman iyon sa isang tao. Nang dahil sa ’kin.

Fuck.

Wala pa yatang sampung minuto akong nakarating sa coffee shop dahil sa sobrang bilis ng pagpapatakbo ko. Basta ko na lang ipinarada ang motor at mabilis na hinubad ang helmet. I didn’t know if I put the helmet properly or I just threw it away. All that I could ever think of was to save Ada from Ishtar.

I ran and pushed the door open way too hard, it almost shattered. The wind chime rattled loudly as I went into the shop. Agad na hinanap ng mga mata ko si Ada. Hindi naman ako nahirapan dahil dalawang tao lang ang nandoon. They were standing in front of the counter.

“Lucius…” I heard Ishtar mumbled. Mukhang nagulat sa presensya ko.

But I didn’t pay her any attention. Naglakad ako nang hindi inaalis ang tingin kay Ada. I grabbed her by the shoulders. She yelped in surprise pero hindi naman lumayo sa ’kin. Mabilis kong pinasadahan ng tingin ang kabuuan n’ya, naghahanap ng senyales na nasaktan s’ya.

“Lucius, what are you doing here?” Ishtar asked and there was an edge in her voice.

Hindi ko pa rin s’ya pinansin. Patuloy pa rin ako sa ginagawa kay Ada na nakatingin lang sa ’kin at nagulat sa biglaan kong paglapit sa kanya.

“Are you hurt?” I asked. “Did she hurt you?”

“Huh?” She blinked. Wala sa sariling napahawak s’ya sa isang parte ng mukha n’ya, on her jaw just below her left cheek.

I frowned when her eyes widened. Na-realize yata ang ginawa n’ya. She took a step backward while still touching that part of her face as if she was trying to hide it from me.

Mas lalong nangunot ang noo ko. She was acting suspicious. Umatras pa nang humakbang ako palapit sa kanya. I gritted my teeth, trying to keep my rage for an idea that came into my mind. Nang makita ni Ada ang galit sa mga mata ko ay tumigil s’ya sa pag-atras.

I held her hand, trying to remove it from her face. Nu’ng una ay nakipagmatigasan pa talaga s’ya sa ’kin, binabawi ang kamay sa tuwing hinihila ko. But then I stared at her with a serious expression on my face. I didn’t have any idea how I looked but she stopped struggling and finally let me remove her hand.

Nang makita ko kung ano’ng pilit n’yang itinatago, bigla ang pagsiklab ng galit sa dibdib ko. I clenched my jaw when I saw that small scratch on that part of her face. Just about two inches long and it already stopped bleeding. But still, that was enough to fuel the rage in my chest.

Fucking damn it! I was late again! I failed again! Tangina, wala na talaga akong ginawang tama! Lagi na lang akong nahuhuli! I couldn’t protect an innocent woman again from Ishtar!

“What the fuck did you do to her?” I bellowed as I turned to Ishtar. Nakita kong agad na namutla ang mukha n’ya nang makita ang kakaibang galit sa mukha ko.

I know I was shivering because of my fever earlier. But now, I was trembling with anger. Nang hindi magsalita si Ishtar ay hinaklit ko ang braso n’ya. She winced in pain but I ignored it. Mas diniinan ko pa ang pagkakahawak ko sa braso n’ya.

“Talk, Ishtar! Damn it!”

“Teka, sandali, Lucius!” It was Ada. Hinawakan n’ya ang braso ko. “Nasasaktan s’ya!”

“She hurt you!” I said through gritted teeth. I was shaking with anger and I couldn’t keep my composure. Gone was the calm Lucius they always saw me as.

If my friend could see me right now, they wouldn’t believe it was me. I couldn’t believe it either. Hindi ako mapaniwalang kaya ko palang makaramdam ng ganitong katinding galit. Siguro ay dumagdag na rin ang lagnat ko. I was seeing red. There was a need in me that wanted to let all my rage out.

“Hindi n’ya sinasadya,” I could hear panic in Ada’s voice. She was already clinging on my arm, trying to remove my grip on Ishtar. “Hindi n’ya sinasadya, Lucius. Nag-panic lang ako nang makita s’ya kanina. Hindi na dapat kita tinawagan.”

“You don’t have to defend her,” galit na baling ko kay Ada. “She meant it! I know it! Just like how she meant to let Angela die!”

“It was an accident, Lucius,” mangiyak-ngiyak na sabi ni Ishtar.

“Kailan mo ba ’ko titigilan, huh? You really love seeing me suffering, don’t you?”

“Lucius, no… I just wanted to talk to her. Iyon lang.”

“Talk?” I chuckled full of sarcasm. “If I know, pinaplano mo na namang ipapatay s’ya gaya ng ginawa mo kay Angela!”

Tuluyan nang napaiyak si Ishtar pero mas lalo lang akong nagalit. She was wearing a sleeveless dress and I could see that my hand was already leaving a mark on her skin.

But I just tightened my grip on her, trying to stop her from crying. The tears in her eyes angered me even more. I could even see my knuckles turning white at how hard I was gripping her arm. Pero mas lalo lang s’yang umiyak sa sakit

She didn’t deserve to cry or feel pain. After what she did to Angela. I couldn’t even feel her remorse at iyon ang mas ikinagagalit ko. As if Angela’s life was nothing to her. Hindi n’ya pinagsisisihan ang ginawa n’ya dahil wala lang ang buhay ni Angela para sa kanya.

If anything, she regretted it because it changed everything between us. Because she completely lost me. Iyon lang. Hindi n’ya pinagsisihan na nawala ang buhay ng isang tao dahil sa ginawa n’ya. Ako na naman ang dahilan.

Angela didn’t deserve it. She deserved the best. She deserved everything. But she wouldn’t receive anything anymore as she was already gone.

“Fucking leave me alone already, Ishtar,” I said, gritting my teeth. “Kahit ilang babae pang mapalapit sa ’kin ang ipapatay mo, I will never fucking love you. You fucking disgust me.”

Napahagulgol na si Ishtar. The more I see tears flow down her eyes, the more rage I feel. Hinding-hindi ako makakaramdam ng awa sa kanya. Wala na akong maramdamang awa sa kanya. It was a miracle I haven’t killed her from all the rage I feel right now.

“Lucius…” I heard Ada’s soft voice. “Bitiwan mo na s’ya. Okay lang ako.”

She gently put her hand over my hand that was gripping Ishtar’s arm. Sa kabila ng higpit ng kapit ko ay magaan n’ya pa ring sinubukang alisin ang pagkakahawak ko kay Ishtar. The gentleness of her touch was so opposite from the roughness of my hand.

“Okay lang ako. Nandito pa ’ko,” Ada tried to soothe me. “Sige na. Bitiw na. Nasasaktan mo na s’ya.”

I know she was hurting as well as she tried to remove my hand. I glared at Ishtar before finally letting her go. Malakas s’yang napahagulgol at halos matumba pabagsak sa sahig sa rahas ng naging pagbitaw ko sa kanya at sa panghihina dahil sa pag-iyak.

“Leave,” I warned her. “Leave before I kill you.”

In her eyes full of tears, Ishtar looked at me. I looked back at her with coldness in my eyes. Sinulyapan n’ya si Ada bago walang salitang umalis sa shop.

I looked at Ada, surprised when I saw tears forming in the corner of her eyes. I panicked with the thought that Ishtar did hurt her other than the scratch on her face. Hinawakan ko s’ya sa balikat at tinitigan sa mga mata.

“Masakit ba?” I asked, talking about the scratch on her face. “Fuck, I’m sorry… I was late. Nasaktan ka n’ya.”

Mariin s’yang umiling. Titig na titig s’ya sa ’kin at hindi ko alam kung ano’ng nakita n’ya dahil tuluyan na s’yang napaiyak.

“Hindi mo kasalanan…”

I shook my head.

“It was my fault. Hindi ka n’ya lalapitan kung hindi dahil sa ’kin.” I gulped the pain in my chest.

“Hindi… Wala kang kasalanan. Hindi mo kasalanang nasugatan ako.”

“She’s always doing that,” I said. “Always hurting the woman around me. She killed Angela because I fell in love with her. Kasalanan ko kung bakit s’ya nawala. Kasalanan ko kung bakit ka nasaktan.”

“Lucius…”

Ada was already crying. Narinig ko pa ang paghikbi n’yang nagpasakit pa lalo sa dibdib ko. She took a step toward me. Inilapat n’ya ang palad sa dibdib ko, doon sa mismong tapat ng puso ko.

“Masakit ba?” she asked in between sobs. I knew she was asking about my heart. “Ikaw ’tong nasasaktan sa ’ting dalawa.”

I was trying so hard not to let my emotions consume me. Kanina ko pa iyon ginagawa. I succeeded when I didn’t kill Ishtar despite my rage. Pero siguro, dahil sa sakit kong kanina ko pa iniinda, hindi ko na iyon magawa ngayon.

In front of a stranger, in front of a woman I barely even know, I broke down. I cried so hard I began having a hard time breathing.

“It hurts,” I breathe. “It hurts so fucking much.”

Chapter 11

Ada noticed that I don’t feel well after a moment I’ve calmed down. Hindi ko na siguro nagawa pang itago iyon sa mukha ko dahil na rin sa pagod sa mga nangyari ngayong araw. I just felt her hand gently touching my forehead, probably to check my temperature and I almost jumped at how cold her hand was. I know she was in normal temperature and I was just burning in fever kaya ganoon ang naramdaman ko.

“May lagnat ka!” she exclaimed. I saw how regret and guilt flooded her face. “Sana talaga hindi na lang kita tinawagan.”

I took a deep breath before I shook my head. Saglit kong ipinikit ang mga mata nang makaramdam ng pagkahilo dahil sa pag-iling.

“It’s alright… You said you panicked.”

She nodded. Pero nandoon pa rin ang pagsisisi sa mga mata n’ya.

“Medyo… S’ya lang din kasi ’yung customer. Kaming dalawa lang kanina kaya…” Napangiwi s’ya. “Kung ano-ano naiisip ko.”

Despite what I felt, despite my fever, despite the throbbing of my head, I managed to put on a small smile.

“You really need to stop watching those kind of movies.”

She frowned, scrunching her nose a little. Maya-maya ay ngumiti rin.

“Maupo ka kaya muna? Mataas ang lagnat mo,” sabi n’ya at muling pinakiramdam ang noo ko gamit ang likod ng palad n’ya. “Dalhin kaya kita sa ospital?”

I shook my head. Magsasalita na sana pero naunahan n’ya ako.

“Pero ikaw magbabayad, ha? Hindi pa ako sumasahod.”

Natawa ako. Pero napakunot ang noo nang muling sumakit ang ulo ko.

Damn… She’s really a pain in the head.

“There’s no need for me to go to the hospital. I just need to rest.”

“Mabuti pa nga. Upo ka muna do’n.”

She pointed at the corner where there was a couch. Naglakad ako papunta roon. Ramdam kong nakasunod kaagad sa ’kin si Ada, para pa ngang gustong alalayan ako. Iniisip yatang matutumba ako anumang oras dahil sa taas ng lagnat ko.

I just shook my head. My fever was high and my head was throbbing in pain as fuck but I could manage myself.

But it wasn’t what Ada was thinking. Nakahingi pa nga nang maluwag nang makaupo na rin ako sa wakas. I chuckled lightly as I rested my head on the headrest, almost slouching on the couch. Napapikit ako nang mariin nang muling maramdaman ang pananakit ng ulo ko.

“Nakainom ka na ba ng gamot?” I heard Ada’s soft voice.

“Yeah… Pero kanina pa,” sagot kong nakapikit pa rin.

“Okay…”

I felt her move before I heard her footsteps walking away. She probably went to the counter, or to the working area dahil dinig ko ang tunog ng mga kagamitan doon. She was preparing something, I think. Ang akala ko ay gamot lang ang kukunin n’ya pero mukhang naghahanda rin ng maiinom ko.

The side of my lips rose. I was sure she’d ask me to pay for it even if I didn’t order whatever she was preparing. Napaisip tuloy ako kung may small bills ba sa wallet ko maliban sa ilang lilibuhin doon. Baka magkaproblema na naman kami sa sukli.

I just listened to her movements. Hinuhulaan kung ano’ng ginagawa n’ya. She was moving swiftly and carefully. Parang natatakot na gumawa ng ingay dahil baka maistorbo ang pamamahinga ko.

But because it was already past midnight, the place was quiet. Wala na rin gaanong dumadaan na sasakyan sa labas. Idagdag pa ang malakas kong pandinig na naging parte ng training ko noon. All I could hear was her movements and the aircon running.

And it was as if she could hear my thoughts, hininaan n’ya ang lamig ng aircon. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit n’ya at ang paglapag n’ya ng kung ano sa coffee table sa harap ko. The scent assaulted my nose making me feel calm.

“Inumin mo muna ’to, Lucius, bago ka uminom ng gamot,” she said.

I opened my eyes. Ada was sitting on a chair in front of me. Napatingin ako sa tasang nakalapag sa table. I was sure it was some kind of tea but I don’t know what. The scent wasn’t strong. Masarap amuyin. It was making me feel relaxed. Nabawasan din noon ang sakit ng ulo ko.

I frowned.

“What is that?” I asked.

Ada smiled.

“Inumin mo na lang. Makakabuti ’yan sa pakiramdam mo.”

Umayos ako ng upo. I reached for the tea and carefully sipped it. I tried to guess what it was from the taste pero hindi ko pa rin matukoy ang lasa. The taste was soft. Pakiramdam ko pa nga ay parang wala akong iniinom pero naramdaman ko ang pagbaba ng init mula sa lalamunan ko.

Inulit ko ang pag-inom.

“Do I have to pay for this?” biro kong ikinatawa n’ya.

“Hindi na. Wala rin naman ’yan sa menu. Isipin mo na lang na kawang-gawa ’yan kasi pinapunta kita rito.”

“Thank God… Baka kasi mamroblema ka sa pangsukli. Isang libo pa naman ang ibabayad ko.”

She stuck out her tongue. Mahina akong natawa at muling humigop ng tsaa.

“Hubarin mo kaya ’yang jacket mo,” she said, pointing at my leather jacket. “Para maginhawaan ka.”

I did what she said. Hinubad ko iyon at inilapag sa tabi ko. Doon ko napansin na pawis na pawis na pala ang likod ko.

“Hala, baka matuyuan ka ng pawis. Wala pa naman akong mapapahiram na damit sa ’yo ,” Ada said, noticing sweat on my chest.

I shook my head.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry.”

“Sure kang hindi mo kailangang pumunta ng ospital?”

“Yeah… Lagnat lang ’to.”

“Pero baka symptoms na pala ’yan ng mas malalang sakit.”

I just smiled at her. She was so worried. But I wasn’t. I started ignoring my health and my well-being when Angela died. There were even those times when I’m thinking it would be best if… If I follow her.

We fell into silence. I didn’t know why I felt that it was comforting. Alam kong nakikita ni Ada ang paghihirap sa mukha ko. But I didn’t try to hide it. She already saw me breaking down earlier so there was no use.

And that was what made me confused. It was so easy for Ada to do that. Something my friends couldn’t do even after so many years. But with her, just one question from her, made me spill all the emotions that have been built up in my chest for too long.

I couldn’t understand how she managed to do that. I couldn’t understand why I broke down like that in front of a stranger. I couldn’t understand why I let someone I barely even know to see my unguarded emotions. I couldn’t understand why I let her see me behind my mask.

I’ve been trying to act like I was strong. I didn’t want to worry my friends, who already have their own families. I didn’t want to burden them anymore. They deserve to live happily with their families. Ayoko nang makigulo roon.

I thought I could act like that till the end. Pero isang tanong lang ni Ada, bumuhos ang lahat ng itinatago kong emosyon.

Siguro nga dahil maraming nangyari ngayon. Simula pa lang kaninang umaga. At siguro nga, dumagdag ding hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko ngayon.

I stared at Ada. The steam from the hot tea was dancing between us, making my vision of her somehow foggy. She was just looking at me as if making sure I was really drinking the tea.

I sighed.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said.

Napakurap s’ya. Nagulat yata sa biglaan kong pagsasalita.

“Alin?”

“I’m not usually like that,” I continued. “I’m always in control of my emotions. It’s just that… this day had been too much for me.”

Hindi agad nagsalita si Ada. Bahagya pang nakakunot ang noo. Pinag-iisipan pa yata kung tungkol saan ang sinasabi ko. Pero maya-maya ay napangiti rin at bahagyang natawa.

“Sus, wala ’yon. ’Wag mo nang alalahanin ’yon.”

“I swear I don’t usually break down in front of strangers.”

“Aray! Ang sakit nu’ng strangers, ha?” sabi n’ya pero natawa naman. “Okay nga lang. Naiintindihan ko. Hindi rin naman maganda ’yung pakiramdam mo ngayon. Baka nakadagdag din ’yon. Tsaka, ’di ba sabi ko rin naman sa ’yo na pumunta ka rito kapag gusto mo ng kausap.”

I nodded, convincing her and even myself as well.

Hindi ako nagsalita at muling humigop ng inumin. I just stared at the steam coming out from the tea. Somehow, it was also making me relaxed. Medyo gumagaan na rin ang pakiramdam ko.

“Pero alam mo, mabuti na rin ’yan,” Ada said after a while. Napatingin tuloy ako sa kanya. “Hindi rin kasi maganda kung itatago mo lang nararamdaman na. Lalo na kung masakit. Maiipon ’yan. And one day… you’ll just explode. Delikado.”

I watched the steam from the tea again, lightly nodding my head. Alam ko kung ano’ng ibig sabihin n’ya roon. Just like what happened, I almost exploded in anger. Nasaktan ko si Ishtar. At alam kong mas malala pa ang magagawa ko kung hindi lang ako pinigilan ni Ada.

She knew I would regret it afterward. Gaya rin ng sinabi ng mga kaibigan ko noon nang muntik ko na ring masaktan si Ishtar.

I guess… my emotions already reached their limit. Nahihirapan na akong pigilan iyon.

“Siguro mabilis mo ring nailabas ang emosyon mo kanina kasi hindi tayo masyadong magkakilala,” she said. “Hindi naman totally strangers kasi alam mo naman pangalan ko. Alam ko rin pangalan mo. Pero hindi pa rin kita totoong kilala. May mga pagkakataon kasi na parang mas madaling mag-open up sa hindi mo kilala, kaysa sa mga kaibigan mo.”

“I didn’t want to worry my friends.”

Tumango s’ya na parang naiintindihan ang sinabi ko.

“Iyon nga… Tapos kapag sa strangers ka nag-open up, unbiased ’yung opinion nila kasi hindi ka nga nila kilala. Wala silang idea kung sino ka o kung ano ang kwento ng buhay mo. No judgement kung baga. Hindi ka rin mag-aalala kung ano’ng iisipin nila tungkol sa ’yo kasi hindi naman sila parte ng buhay mo. Walang mawawala sa ’yo kung sakali.”

I stared at her in awe. Hindi ko akalaing nasagot n’ya agad ang mga tanong ko lang sa sarili ko kanina. I finally got the answers. And I couldn’t help but agree with her. Dahil ilang beses na akong sinubukan ng mga kaibigan kong kausapin sila tungkol sa nararamdaman ko pero hindi ko ginawa. I did it once and regretted it immediately.

Ada smiled at me.

“Kaya, promise, naiintindihan kita,” she said. There was understanding in her eyes. “Hindi mo kailangang mag-sorry. Proud pa nga ako kasi nakatulong ako sa paggaan ng pakiramdam mo.”

I didn’t say anything. Napatitig lang ulit ako sa tsaa. The side of my lips rose.

“Tama naman, ’di ba? Gumaan naman ang pakiramdam mo?” may pag-aalangan sa tono ni Ada.

I chuckled. Uminom lang ulit ako sa tsaa.

Yeah… I guess it wasn’t the tea. It wasn’t even the steam coming out of it. I guess it was because I poured all my emotions out earlier that’s why I was feeling a bit better right now.

Napatingin ako kay Ada. She pouted a bit, looking disappointed. Iniisip siguro na mali s’ya ng akala. But I don’t want to admit it to her.

Still… I’m thankful.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked. Napatingin s’ya sa ’kin. Mas lalo kong nakita ang kalmot sa pisngi n’ya.

“Oh…” Napahawak s’ya sa sugat nang mapansing doon ako nakatingin. “Okay lang. Maliit lang naman ’to. Tsaka aksidente lang talaga ang nangyari.”

“What happened?”

She stared at me. Sinisigurado yata kung handa akong marinig ang sagot.

“Nabasag kasi ’yung cup ni Ishtar,” she said. “Lumapit ako para sana linisin ’yung bubog at kalat. Tapos tinulungan n’ya ko. Hindi sinasadyang nahagip ng kuko n’ya ’yung mukha ko.”

I frowned. Hindi naniniwala sa sinabi n’ya. Nakita n’ya naman ang pagdududa sa mukha ko kaya natawa si Ada.

“Totoo nga! Sorry nga s’ya ng sorry, eh. Tapos halata naman sa mukha n’ya na hindi n’ya talaga sinasadya.”

Marahas lang akong bumuntong-hininga. Hindi pa rin naniniwala.

Back then, I would instantly believe that. Ang tingin ko kasi kay Ishtar noon ay hindi magagawang manakit ng tao. She’s a doctor, for fuck’s sake.

But when I learned what she did, when I heard directly from her when she said that Angela deserves what happened, that Angela deserves to die, nag-iba na ang tingin ko sa kanya.

“What the fuck is she doing here anyway?” inis kong tanong at uminom ulit sa tsaa. Pampakalma.

“Hindi ka rin yata maniniwala kahit sabihin ko sa ’yo, eh.”

“I still need to hear her reason. Otherwise, iisipin kong ginusto ka lang n’ya talagang saktan.”

Napalabi s’ya at tinitigan ako. There was that emotion in her eyes. Magaan ang pagkakatingin n’ya sa ’kin. Then she smiled gently at me.

“Nakaka-amaze ka…” she said. “Kahit galit ka sa kanya at kahit may sariling sagot ka na d’yan sa isip mo, gusto mo pa rin malaman ang totoo. Usually kasi, anger blinds people from the truth.” She smiled. “Ayaw mo raw kasing pumunta sa birthday party n’ya.”

I frowned.

“I still don’t see the connection why she went here.”

Natawa si Ada.

“Kausapin daw kita para sa kanya. Iniisip yatang may magagawa ako sa desisyon mo.”

I scoffed.

“That’s bullshit.”

“Pero gustong-gusto n’yang pumunta ka talaga. Iyon lang daw ang birthday wish n’ya. ’Yung kausapin mo ulit s’ya at bumalik ang dating kayo.”

“I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. I even wished I haven’t met her.” Uminom ulit ako ng tsaa dahil bumabangon na naman ang galit sa dibdib ko.

“Mukhang galit na galit ka talaga sa kanya, ah?”

“So much. I loathe her. After what she did, she should expect that.”

I heard Ada take a deep breath.

“Ano ba’ng nangyari?”

I looked at her. There was innocence and understanding in her eyes. Na para bang maiintindihan n’ya kung sakali mang hindi ko sagutin ang tanong n’ya. Kung sakali mang hindi ko sabihin ang nangyari.

I sighed.

“It’s a long story.”

“It’s okay…” nakangiti n’yang sabi. “Wala naman akong ginagawa. Walang ding customer.”

She turned around to look at the wall clock behind her. Napatingin din ako roon. The analog clock showed that it was a minute before two am.

Muling tumingin sa ’kin si Ada at ngumiti.

“Sabi ko naman sa ’yo, pumunta ka ng ganitong oras kung gusto mo ng kausap.” She stared at me. “This stranger is willing to listen to you.”

I stared at her. Somehow, the ticking of the clock sounded louder this time. I could even hear every tick and every tock of it.

I looked at the wall clock behind her. Five seconds before two. I listened to the sound before I looked at Ada again.

“It all started with the game called the Bloody Human Chess game.”

Then the clock strikes two.

Chapter 12

“Eh, loko naman pala ’yang Ishtar ’yan, eh!”

That was Ada’s first reaction after I was done telling her the story. She looked mad. Magkasalubong ang mga kilay n’ya. Her nostrils flared. I even noticed her gritting her teeth. Nahampas pa nga ang coffee table sa harap namin nang sabihin iyon.

I just stared at her, surprised by her reaction. I was… amused. She was so into it. Hindi ko akalaing ganito ang magiging reaksyon n’ya sa ikinuwento ko sa kanya. It was so amusing to see her react this way to the story of a stranger, of someone she barely even knows.

I was even surprised at how easily I told her about Angela. Isang bagay na hirap na hirap akong ikwento sa mga kaibigan ko. It took me more than a decade to finally tell them about Angela. Hirap na hirap pa nga akong ikwento iyon.

But with Ada, it was different. It was easy for me to tell the story. It just flowed out in me almost naturally. Na para bang ilang taon akong hindi nahirapan sa pagkukwento noon.

Ada let me finish the story first before giving her reaction. Hindi nga nagsasalita habang nagkukwento ako. But I could see clearly her reaction in some parts that were too much for her. Pinipigilan lang magsalita. Pero kitang-kita ko naman ang nararamdaman n’ya as she was so easy to read. She really waited for me to finish the story before saying anything.

That’s why right now, she looked mad.

“Nakakainis, ha?” sabi pa n’yang mas lalong napasimangot. “Lapit pa talaga s’ya nang lapit sa ’yo. Hindi ba s’ya nakokonsensya sa ginawa n’ya?”

I just watched her as she ranted. It made me feel good somehow. It felt as if she was letting it all out, for me. Just watching her felt as if I was the one who was also ranting too. Nababawasan ang bigat ng loob ko dahil sa ginagawa n’ya.

Is this the reason why people like opening up to strangers? Besides the fact that you could let out some burden in your chest? Ang bilis kong naramdaman ang bahagyang paggaan ng pakiramdam ko. Kahit na alam kong mas lamang pa rin ang bigat sa dibdib ko, still, this was an achievement.

I took a deep breath, feeling relieved that there was more space now in my chest for me to breathe.

“Grabe, kung ako ’yon, mahihiya na akong ipakita ’yung pagmumukha ko sa ’yo,” she said. “Hindi mo na nga s’ya pinakulong, eh.”

“Apparently, she doesn’t feel the same.”

“Iyon nga, eh. Tapos pinipilit n’ya pa ’yung gusto n’yang mangyari kahit ayaw mo na naman.” She sighed. “May mga taong gano’n, ’no? Sobrang insensitive. Ang kakapal ng mukha.”

I chuckled. Ang diin kasi ng pagkakasabi n’ya. Parang may pinanghuhugutan.

“Totoo nga!” giit n’ya. Akala yata ay hindi ako naniwala dahil sa mahinang pagtawa ko. “Maraming gan’yan. Parang wala silang pakialam sa nararamdaman ng ibang tao. Ang gusto lang, mangyari ’yung gusto nila. Hindi nila iniisip kung gaano ba nasasaktan ’yung tao dahil sa ginawa nila. Kung gaano kalaki ang naging epekto ng ginawa nila. Parang mga ’di nag-iisip.”

I pursed my lips, trying to keep myself from smiling. But I knew I couldn’t stop it so I just tried to hide my smile from sipping the tea again. Itinago ko sa kanya ang ngiti ko.

It was amusing how she was reacting so much to my story. Parang bawing-bawi ang ilang taon kong kinipkip ang sakit sa dibdib ko dahil sa nakikitang kong mga reaksyon mula kay Ada.

“Are you bad-mouthing Ishtar behind her back?” I casually asked. Pinipigilan pa rin ang ngiti.

Ada looked like she only realized what she’d done. She looked guilty for a second. Napangiwi pa nga.

“Ah… Inagawan ba kita? Ikaw ang dapat gumawa no’n, ’no? Ikaw naman ’yung nasaktan n’ya.”

“What?” I asked, confused.

“’Wag mong sabihing hindi mo pa nagagawa ’yon?” What the hell is she talking about? “Sabagay. Karamihan sa mga lalaki, gan’yan talaga.”

“Like what?”

“Mga babae lang kadalasan ’yung ganito,” sabi n’yang mas kausap ang sarili. She took a deep breath. Isang beses s’yang tumango na parang may naisip na magandang solusyon. “Okay. Ako na lang ang gagawa no’n para sa ’yo.”

I have no idea what the hell she is talking about right now. I just assumed she’d do something in my place. But I think it wasn’t something I should be thankful for so I didn’t say anything.

“Kaya pala galit na galit ka sa kanya. Ang tingin ko pa naman nu’n sa ’yo, walang kwentang lalaki kasi ganu’n ka magsalita kay Ishtar. Deserve naman pala n’ya kung galing sa ’yo.”

Napakurap ako. Hindi alam kung mananakit na naman ba ang ulo o ano.

“You think wala akong kwentang lalaki?”

Natawa si Ada. Tapos ay umiling.

“Nu’ng una lang! Nagulat kasi ako. Pinagsalitaan mo ng gano’n ’yung babae.” She smiled at me guiltily. “Pasensya na. Hindi ko pa kasi alam ’yung kwento n’yo no’n.”

“Hmm…” Pinaningkitan ko s’ya ng mga mata. “Alright…”

“Deserve rin n’ya kung hindi matutupad ang birthday wish n’ya. Okay lang kahit hindi ka pumunta sa birthday party n’ya.”

“Are you telling me not to go?”

“Ayaw mo naman, ’di ba?”

“But she asked you to talk to me to it.”

She frowned. Mukhang naiinis na sa hindi deretso kong sagot.

“Wala nga akong magagawa kung ayaw mong pumunta.”

“But you don’t want me to go?”

She stared at me. I almost laughed when I saw the puzzled look on her face. Mukha s’yang nalilito at sinusubukang basahin kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. Kanina ko pa kasi hindi sinasagot ang tanong n’ya.

And then she frowned when she probably finally noticed that I was just playing with her.

“Alam mo may lagnat ka nga. Hilo ka na. Paikot-ikot lang ’yung usapan natin.”

I laughed. Napatingin ako sa tsaa a ko. I was amazed when I still saw steam coming out of it. Ibig sabihin, hindi ganoon kahaba ang naging kwento ko. The tea was still hot even in the air-conditioned room. Hindi naman masyadong malamig dahil hininaan na rin iyon ni Ada kanina. I couldn’t even feel the coldness of the room. Kaya rin siguro hindi mabilis mawala ang init ng tsaa.

Woah… Does that also mean that I managed to tell Ada about Angela without stopping at every painful memory just to breathe? Or to calm myself? Or to try to keep myself steady and not let pain take over me? Ibig sabihin ay tuloy-tuloy lang akong nagkwento sa kanya.

Still… I didn’t tell her everything anyway. I only told her the necessary details so she could easily understand what happened. Kung bakit may “patayan.” But I think I told her everything about Angela.

This was the first time I’ve been so detailed talking about Angela to someone. Maybe because I really wanted Ada to understand. I wanted someone to understand me. I wanted this stranger to understand everything about Angela too. I wanted her to feel that she already knew Angela just by my stories.

“Mahal na mahal mo talaga s’ya, ’no?” Ada said after a while.

I looked at her. There was a small smile on her lips but I could see a tinge of sadness in her eyes. Usually, I would get mad seeing that emotion from people. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay kinakaawaan ako. Kaya nga ayoko ring magkwento sa mga kaibigan ko.

But seeing Ada now, I realized that that would be their normal reaction. Angela’s story would make them sad. Our story would make people sad. Because the love that we had before was only a memory now.

It was a wonderful whirlwind romance. But just like the wind that suddenly came, it also ended before I could even feel calm from the breeze, before I could even feel it to my skin.

I smiled at Ada. But I probably mirrored the emotion in her eyes. But this time, it wasn’t only a tinge of sadness. I knew she could see how much I suffered; how miserable I felt in my eyes.

“Angela,” she said.

I felt my heart start beating fast. Her name would always have that effect on me. Hinding-hindi mawawala iyon. Kahit ilang taon pa ang lumipas.

I stared at Ada. Ramdam ko pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko. Halos sumabay iyon sa tunog ng orasan na nasa likuran n’ya.

I fixed my gaze on the clock behind her. I was counting down the seconds, feeling my heartbeat as I listened to every tick and tock of the clock. It felt as if the clock was keeping me aware of my heartbeat. It seemed to be counting every beat of my heart.

“I love her so much,” I said. Mas lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko na sumasabay sa tunog ng orasan. “With all my life.”

Ada nodded. There was understanding in her eyes. Nakita ko pa ang pangingilid ng luha sa mga mata n’ya. I could also see hurt from them. As if she’s hurting for me. As if she could feel what I’d been feeling for so long.

And it was enough for me. I was feeling guilty about these feelings. Pakiramdam ko, wala akong karapatan sa mga emosyong ’to. I was the reason why Angela died. Wala akong karapatang masaktan o malungkot.

I was feeling guilty that it has been so long yet I still couldn’t get over her death. Kaya ayokong magsabi. Ayokong magkuwento. Ayokong marinig ang sasabihin ng iba na dahil matagal na panahon na ang lumipas, I should move on. That I should forget all about it. I should put it behind me. Ayokong marinig ang mga sasabihin nilang dapat kong gawin na para bang napakadaling gawin iyon.

They weren’t the ones in my shoes. They didn’t feel what I felt. They didn’t suffer like how I suffered. They didn’t love Angela like how I loved her.

But with Ada now, pakiramdam ko, ayos lang maramdaman ko ang lahat ng ’yon. Ayos lang na kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas ay hindi pa rin natatanggal ang sakit. Na naiintindihan n’ya kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay nahihirapan pa rin ako. Na nasasaktan pa rin ako. There was so much understanding in her eyes. And it was enough for me.

Pakiramdam ko, nakahanap ako ng kakampi.

“Do you think I’m pathetic?” I asked. “Ang tagal na panahon na pero hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang lahat. Hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang sakit.”

She shook her head. She was looking at me with so much gentleness in her eyes.

“Of course not, Lucius… Emosyon mo ’yan. Walang mali sa nararamdaman mo. Masyadong masakit ang nangyari sa ’yo. Ako ngang nakikinig lang, sobra nang nasaktan. Paano pa kaya ikaw na nakaranas ng lahat ng ’yon?”

I looked down, looking at the tea. Masyadong masakit ang lalamunan ko para uminom ulit noon. So, I just kept my head low, not looking at Ada as I felt like I would burst into tears again if I looked at her.

“Pero ’wag mo sanang sisisihin ang sarili mo sa nangyari, Lucius. Wala kang kasalanan.”

“Kasalanan ko. Kung hindi sana ako nakilala ni Angela, buhay pa sana s’ya ngayon.”

Ada took a deep breath. Inabot n’ya ang kamay kong nakahawak sa tasa. She looked me deeply in the eye.

“Wala kang kasalanan,” ulit n’ya. Para talagang ipinapaintindi sa ’kin. “Hindi mo kasalanan ang nangyari. Nobody is blaming you for what happened.”

“Si Angela,” I said, remembering my dream. “Sinisisi n’ya ako sa nangyari. She told me in my dreams.”

“It was guilt, Lucius…” She squeezed my hand. “It was your guilt. At iyon ang dapat mong pakawalan.”

I felt a lump in my throat. Sinubukan kong lumunok pero nasaktan lang ako. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak ni Ada sa kamay ko na para bang kapag binitiwan n’ya ako ay mawawala rin ako. Mawawala na naman ako sa sarili ko.

“Base sa mga kwento mo, alam kong napakabuting tao ni Angela. Alam kong hinding-hindi ka n’ya sisisihin sa nangyari. Hinding-hindi n’ya pagsisisihang nakilala ka n’ya. Hinding-hindi n’ya pagsisisihang minahal ka n’ya.”

Tears pooled in her eyes. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. Pinapanood kung paano nagtubig ang mga mata n’ya. And I felt my eyes watering too. My vision of her blurred even more. Kasabay ng panlalabo dahil sa usok mula sa tsaa na nakapagitan sa ’min.

“Sobrang ganda ng naging pagmamahalan n’yo,” she said, her lips quivering. “It was so pure, so wonderful. ’Wag mo sanang tingnan iyon bilang mapapait o masasakit na alaala. Kasi kung ako si Angela, hindi ko gugustuhin kung sa ganoong paraan ako maaalala ng taong sobra kong minahal.”

I felt tears fall down my eyes but I didn’t bother wiping them. Ang sakit sa dibdib ko ay lumalala. But there was something different about it now. Ngayong sa tingin kong hindi kasalanan ang pag-iyak ko.

It was Ada who wiped my tears. Ang malaya n’yang kamay ay inabot ang pisngi ko. She gently brushed away my tears with her thumb. Magaan lang iyon. Halos hindi ko maramdaman. It felt as if a wind gently brushing my tears away from my cheeks.

“You think so?” I asked. “Sa tingin mo, minahal n’ya ako?”

“Oo naman.” May tumulong luha sa mga mata n’ya pero hindi n’ya iyon pinunasan. She was busy wiping my tears instead. “Kahit na hindi ka n’ya nakilala bilang Lucius D’Angelo, alam kong totoong pagmamahal ang ipinakita n’ya. At alam ko rin na mas totoo pa ang ipinakita mo sa kanya kahit hindi ka nagpakilala sa totoo mong pangalan.”

Sinubukan kong abutin ang pisngi n’ya. I wiped her tears and she chuckled with that.

“You have to let go of your guilt,” she said. “Alam kong maraming bagay kang pinagsisisihan, pero kailangan mo ring pakawalan ’yon.”

“How?” nahihirapan kong tanong. “Sobrang hirap…”

She nodded. I felt her squeeze my hand again.

“Alam ko… Alam kong mahirap lalo na kung matagal na iyon ang pinaniwalaan mo. Lalo na kung matagal mo nang kinikimkim ang lahat ng ’yon. Pero hindi mo naman kailangang biglain lahat. Baby steps…” she said and smiled at me. “Bakit hindi mo simulan ngayon?”

“I don’t where to start. I don’t even know how to start.”

Hindi ko alam. Paano ba? Paano ko ba gagawin ko? Am I even allowed to do this? Do I even deserve this? Do I even deserve to let go of the pain and guilt?

And as if Ada could hear my thoughts, she squeezed my hand again. Ikinulong n’ya sa mga palad n’ya ang kamay ko habang hawak ko pa rin ang tasa ng tsaa.

“Talk to Angela,” she said.

“What?”

“Tell her everything. Your regrets. Your guilt. Lahat ng bagay na hindi mo nasabi sa kanya.”

My chest tightened. I shuddered a breath. Bigla akong kinabahan. Bigla akong nanlamig. And I know that my hand would even shake if only Ada wasn’t holding them.

Pero mukhang naramdaman pa rin iyon ni Ada. Humigpit ang pagkakakapit n’ya sa kamay ko.

“I…” I took a deep, shaky breath. “I did… I already told her. In front of her tomb.”

“Then talk to her as if she’s alive. Kausapin mo s’ya na para bang buhay at nasa harap mo lang.”

“Ada…”

She shook her head. The sound of the clock was getting louder again.

“Mali…” she said. “Sige na… Ito na ang tamang oras.”

I looked at the clock behind her. It was two minutes before three am.

Muli akong tumingin kay Ada. She looked at me, waiting for me to speak.

But instead, I shook my head.

“I can’t…”

“You can. Of course, you can.” She smiled. “Sige na… Tanungin mo ang pangalan ko.”

I gritted my teeth. Ramdam ko ang muling pamumuo ng luha sa mga mata ko.

Fuck. This hurts so much.

Naramdaman ko ang muling paghigpit ng pagkakahawak ni Ada sa mga kamay ko, silently telling me that she’s there. She’s with me.

I looked at her. She was smiling gently at me.

I took a deep breath. Tinitigan ko s’ya sa mga mata.

“What’s… What’s your name?”

Mas lumawak ang pagngiti ni Ada. Her thumb brushed gently on my thumb.

“Angela.”

I clenched my jaw, trying to stop my tears. Trying to stop the pain from taking over me.

But just like before, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t control it. It was hard. It was so damn fucking hard.

Pero muli kong naramdaman ang masuyong paghaplos ni Ada sa kamay ko. Her thumb caressed mine, comforting me.

I looked at her. She was still waiting for me to speak. The sound of the clock reminded me of the time. As if it was also waiting for me.

I felt a lump in my throat. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa tasa.

“You’re not… dead.”

She smiled warmly at me. She nodded. The steam from the tea and my teary eyes just added a blur to my vision of her.

I stared at her, imagining that she was indeed Angela. That the love of my love was really in front of me, smiling at me, holding my hand. I tried to imagine that she was looking at me with the love and warmth in her eyes I always love to see.

And just like that, I broke down again. Bigla ang pagbuhos ng luha sa mga mata ko.

Hindi ko na nakayanan. I held her hand hands, Dinala ko iyon sa mga labi ko habang patuloy pa ring umiiyak.

“Thank you for being alive. Thank you for coming back to me.”

Then the clock strikes three.

Chapter 13

I didn’t know how long I cried while I was holding Ada’s hands. Humihigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa mga kamay n’ya sa bawat hikbing pinapakawalan ko. I know I was already holding her hands so tight pero hindi ako nakarinig ng anumang pagtutol mula sa kanya. I was holding those delicate hands like they were my lifeline.

I didn’t know I needed this. Ilang beses ko nang nakausap ang puntod ni Angela, halos hindi ko na mabilang. I talked in front of her grave, telling her everything I wanted to tell her, telling her everything I wasn’t able to tell her, and telling her how much I still love her.

I was content with that. Pero ngayong hawak ko ang mga kamay ni Ada at nararamdaman ko ang mararahang pagpisil n’ya sa mga kamay ko na parang nagsasabing hindi ako nag-iisa, that I was actually talking with someone right now, I never knew I badly needed this.

There must’ve really been something with Ada. She could let my emotions out so easily. Kahit na ayoko. Kahit na ilang taon ko ’yong kinayang itago. Just with a simple word from her, she could already open all the emotion I’d been trying to lock up deep within me.

Ni hindi ko magawang magpanggap sa harapan n’ya. I couldn’t act like I was fine, as if I hadn’t been suffering for so many years. I couldn’t act like I wasn’t hurting. Just one look in Ada’s eyes and the warmth from her hands were all that it needed, parang nagsilbi iyong susi sa mga emosyong matagal kong ikinulong sa dibdib ko.

Nakakahiya. I was weeping in front of her. Ni hindi ko nagawang umiyak nang ganitong kalala sa harap ng mga kaibigan kong itinuring kong pamilya. I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t even breathe properly.

Naramdaman ko ang muling pagpisil ni Ada sa mga kamay ko kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. She, too, has tears in her eyes. And I was in awe how such a person like her would cry and do things like this just for me.

“Lucius…” her voice sounded so soft. It was so soft but I could clearly hear it as the silence of the night was too loud. Kaya naman malinaw ko ring narinig ang sakit sa boses n’ya.

She shook her head. There was so much pain painted on her beautiful face. And I felt guilty that I was the one who put that expression on her.

Pero mukhang nahalata iyon ni Ada. She looked me in the eye. Mas naging mahigpit ang pagkakahawak n’ya sa mga kamay ko.

“Mali…” sabi n’ya at umiling. “Ulitin mo.”

Mapait akong napalunok. I knew what she was talking about. Mali ang sinabi ko. Mali ang nasabi ko. I shouldn’t have said thanks. I shouldn’t have said that I was thankful.

Because Angela is dead. She’s long dead. Hindi na s’ya mabubuhay pa.

Napailing ako kay Ada. I felt suddenly scared. Bigla akong natakot na pumayag ako sa gusto n’yang gawin.

Natatakot ako. Natatakot akong tuluyang tanggaping wala na si Angela. Na hindi na s’ya babalik pa.

“I can’t…” I said softly. Bibitiwan ko na sana ang mga kamay n’ya pero hindi n’ya ako hinayaan.

“Lucius… Sige na. Kailangan mo ’to. Nandito ako…”

I gritted my teeth trying to stop another batch of tears from falling in my eyes. Nasasaktan akong tumingin sa mga mata n’ya.

I pretended I was looking in Angela’s eyes. I thought of those words I wanted to tell her.

If she was Angela, if Angela was really in front of me right now, isang bagay ang unang-una kong sasabihin sa kanya.

“Hindi ko pa rin matanggap na wala ka na.”

Humigpit ulit ang pagkakahawak ni Ada sa mga kamay ko. She nodded at me, telling me that I was saying the right thing.

Pero hindi ko alam kung ano pa ba’ng dapat na sabihin ko. Napakarami noon. Sobrang dami na hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula dahil nauunahan ako ng sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko.

“I’m sorry…” sabi ko at bahagyang napatigil dahil muling bumuhos ang mga luha ko. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

God… Why am I so useless? All those training I did to fight and save my life, even my friends lives, ni hindi ko man lang nagamit ang mga iyon para protektahan ang babaeng pinakamamahal ko.

I managed to protect the EL Ordre, to win the game. Pero pakiramdam ko, walang silbi ang lahat ng iyon dahil hindi ko naman kasama si Angela.

“Wala kang kasalanan, Lucius…” umiiyak na sabi ni Ada. “Hindi mo kasalanan ang lahat. Hindi mo kailangang sisihin ang sarili mo.”

I shook my head. I have so many regrets in my life.

“Alam kong hindi kita naprotektahan, Angela,” I said, looking straight into the eyes of the woman in front of me. “If only I came home sooner on your birthday, you could’ve been alive. If you hadn’t met me, then you’re probably living your normal life.”

Muli akong napaiyak nang maalala ang araw na ’yon. The day when I thought it would be the happiest day of my life became the nightmare that haunted me for so many years.

Hindi ko magagawang makalimutan ’yon. Hindi ko magagawang makalimutan ang araw na sobra-sobra kong pinagsisisihan.

“I wish I was the one who died. Buhay ka pa sana ngayon.” Hirap na hirap akong napalunok. “I wanted to follow you, you know? Kasi ayoko na. Pagod na pagod na ’kong mamuhay sa mundong ’to na wala ka, Angela. It is so fucking hard to live knowing that you’re dead and I couldn’t hug you anymore.”

Mas lalong napaiyak si Ada. Humigpit ang pagkakakapit n’ya sa mga kamay ko na para bang kapag niluwagan n’ya ay mawawala rin ako sa harapan n’ya.

“Lucius…”

“I wanted to die too. Ilang beses kong naisip na magpakamatay na lang. I thought of so many ways to kill myself. Kasi ang sakit-sakit na. Hindi ko na kaya ang sakit.”

Ilang beses na nga ba? How many times have I thought of killing myself in every possible way? How many times did I wish that I wouldn’t wake up anymore? How many times did I think of just crashing my big bike or car whenever I was driving?

How many times did I think of living this world just to be with Angela?

“Oh, my God… I’m so sorry,” humihikbing sabi ni Ada.

“It was so hard to pretend that everything is okay with my life. It was so hard to pretend and force myself to smile. It was so hard to wake up every morning knowing that you wouldn’t be here.” I gritted. “Fuck! Hirap na hirap na ’ko…”

I cried hard. Napahagulgol ako. I was already gripping Ada’s hands so tight that I knew it hurt her but I didn’t hear anything from her. Hinayaan n’ya ’kong umiyak. Hinayaan n’yang ibuhos ko ang lahat ng sakit.

Tangina pagod na pagod na talaga ’ko sa sakit na araw-araw at bawat segundo kong nararamdaman. Hindi ko na kaya. Pakiramdam ko, nauubusan na ’ko ng lakas. Nanghihina na ’kong humarap sa mga tao araw-araw na para bang wala akong iniindang sa’kin.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I wanted to be with Angela. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to die too. I wanted to kill myself.

Paano ba? Paano ba ang mamatay na lang? Fuck, gusto ko nang sundan si Angela…

Pagod na ’ko. I couldn’t take this pain anymore.

I could hear Ada’s sobbing with me as well. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. She was crying so hard. Kitang-kita ko ang sakit sa mga mata n’ya.

“I’m sorry that you’re hurting, Lucius… I’m so sorry you had those thoughts.”

Sa kabila ng sakit na nararamdaman ko ay bahagya akong napatawa.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Gaya ng hindi mo rin kasalanan na namatay si Angela.”

I shook my head.

“Please…”

Napasigok s’ya. She was crying. This woman was crying for me. Na para banh nasasaktan din s’ya para sa ’kin. Kahit hindi n’ya pa ako lubusang kilala.

“Lucius… Alam kong walang-wala akong ideya sa kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman mo. Sa kung gaano ka nagdusa. Pero, Lucius… Nandito ako, ha? Nandito ako.”

She cried. Tinitigan ko lang s’yang lumuluha sa harapan ko. Pinanood ko s’yang umiyak at nasasaktan para sa ’kin.

“Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng mga dapat kong sabihin sa ’yo para man lang makatulong na kahit kaunti ay gumaan ang pakiramdam mo. Para hindi mo na pag-isipan ang mga bagay na ’yon. Natatakot akong baka may masabi akong mali at mas makasakit pa sa ’yo.” She looked me straight in the eye. Her tears were falling like a waterfall. “Pero kung makakatulong sa ’yo na isipin na ako si Angela para masabi mo ang lahat ng mga hindi mo nasabi sa kanya, gagawin ko.”

Saglit n’yang binitiwan ang kamay ko para punasan ang mga luha sa pisngi ko. Her touch was so light. Ilang beses ko na iyong napansin. Para bang hindi magagawang manakit ng mga kamay na ’yon. As if all it could do was to soothe the pain in my chest.

“’Wag mo naman sanang pagsisihan ang mga panahong nagkasama kayo. ’Wag mong pagsisihan ang purong pagmamahalan n’yo. Dahil sigurado ako, your love for her is one of the greatest things in this world.”

I was glad… I was glad that even if she told me to pretend that she was Angela, that I was talking to Angela, she didn’t try to speak as if she was really her. Hindi s’ya nagsalita na para bang iyon talaga ang mga sasabihin sa ’kin ni Angela.

She was still Adalina.

“But it killed you, Angela.”

She shook her head.

“No… It made her happy. It made her last moments in this world the happiest days of her life.”

Mapait akong tumingin sa kanya.

“How could you even say that? You died because of me. The love I have for you killed you.”

Marahang lumapat ang kamay n’ya sa pisngi ko. Hindi n’ya pinansin kahit nababasa ang palad n’ya ng mga luha ko.

“Because looking in your eyes now, Lucius, alam kong ganoon ang naramdaman ni Angela. Looking into your eyes made me see how much you love her. How much you tried to make her happy. And how much you made her happy. Kahit sino’ng tumingin sa mga mata mo, makikita iyon.”

Her hand that was just touching my cheek went down to my chest. She closed her eyes as if she was trying to feel the beating of my heart. Kitang-kita ko ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata n’ya nang muli s’yang dumilat.

“Kahit sino’ng makarinig o makadama sa tibok ng puso mo at kahit sino’ng makakita sa mga mata mo, malalaman agad nila kung gaano mo kamahal si Angela. Maraming maiinggit sa kung gaano ka magmahal, Lucius.”

“Kahit na ikapahamak nila ang pagmamahal na ’yon?”

She smiled at me. Her eyes twinkled with her tears as well as the smile on her lips.

“Sa mundong ’to, maraming naghahangad ng ganyang pagmamahal mula sa isang tao. Wala kasing kasiguraduhan ang lahat. Pero ikaw? ’Yung wagas mong pagmamahal? ’Yung puso mo? It is a great love. May kasiguraduhan. You are a great person, Lucius. Sana maintindihan mo ’yon.”

Ada looked so beautiful as she said that. She has a smile on her lips. There was honesty in her eyes.

Nawala sa alaala ko ang babaeng kinaiinisan ko dahil sa pagiging makulit at paghabol-habol sa ’kin para lang ibalik ang sukli sa pamasahe noon. Nawala sa isip ko na s’ya ang babaeng isang taon ko ring iniwasang sagutin ang tawag at makita dahil alam kong makukulitan na naman ako at magiging sakit sa ulo ko pa.

And for some reason, there was something inside me that has been telling me to believe her. Because it knew she was telling the truth.

Muling hinawakan ni Ada ang mga kamay ko.

“Alam kong mahirap tanggapin na may mga bagay at pangyayaring hindi umaayon sa ’tin, sa mga gusto natin. Marami tayong pinagsisisihan sa buhay natin. Maraming what ifs. Maraming sana. Masakit isipin na wala na tayong magagawa sa mga bagay na ’yon,” she said. “But, Lucius… Hindi naman ibig sabihin na kapag tinanggap natin ang katotohanang ’yon, kalilimutan na rin natin. We will keep it in our heart, right? And in our memories. We just have to accept it so that instead of pain and guilt, they will become beautiful memories.”

Naalala ko ulit ang panaginip ko. Ang masamang panaginip ko kung saan sinisisi ako ni Angela sa nangyari sa kanya. Is it really possible that it was just my guilt? Na hindi talaga ako sinisisi ni Angela? Tama nga kaya ang sinabi ni Ada?

“Angela’s blaming me.”

Mariing umiling si Ada.

“It is you who’s blaming you, Lucius. Kaya stop blaming yourself. Those nightmares will be soon gone if you learn to forgive yourself.”

“Ang hirap…”

“I know… Mahirap naman talaga lalo na kung matagal mong inalagaan ang guilt at sakit sa puso mo. But you have to let it go soon. Natatabunan kasi no’n ang mga magagandang alaala mo kay Angela. Ang wagas mong pagmamahal para sa kanya. At ng pagmamahal n’ya para sa ’yo.”

I stared at her. Come to think of it. When was the last time I remembered Angela without feeling the pain in my heart? Without feeling guilty? Without blaming myself? Without getting mad at myself?

When was the last time I tried to remember her where I could only feel the love she had for me? Her genuine smile? Her memories?

“Ayaw mo bang maalala ang mga magagandang pangyayari sa buhay n’yo noong nabubuhay pa s’ya? Noong kasama mo pa s’ya?” she asked. “Ayaw mo ba s’yang maalala bilang babaeng lubos ding nagmahal sa ’yo?”

I helplessly shook my head. I looked at her as if she was holding all the answers. Alam kong nakikita n’ya ang pagkabigo sa mukha ko.

“Hindi ko alam kung paano gagawin ’yon. I don’t even know where to start.”

Napatango si Ada. She smiled at me. Mahigpit n’yang hinawakan ang mga kamay ko.

“It won’t be easy. I know. Hindi naman dere-deretso ang pagluluksa. There will be times when you will feel miserable and sad again. Where you will feel down again. Hindi palaging maaraw. That’s how grieving is. Pero sasamahan kita, Lucius… Kapag kailangan mo ’ko, nandito lang ako palagi.”

Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin ako sa kanya.

“You would do that?”

Naging malawak ang pagkakangiti n’ya ngayon. Her smile held a lot of promises.

“Oo naman.”

“You’re not even my friend.”

“Ouch.” Umakto pa s’yang nasasaktan. For a moment, I wanted to take my words back when I saw hurt on her face pero ngumiti rin naman s’ya. “Mabuti na rin ’yon. Sa tingin ko, hindi mo magagawang mag-open up ng ganito kung kaibigan mo ’ko.”

I sniffed. Natatawang pinunasan ni Ada ang mga natirang luha sa pisngi ko.

“What are we, then?” I asked.

“Hmm…” She acted as if she was thinking before she smiled at me. “Coffee buddies?”

I fought my smile. Pinaningkitan ko s’ya ng mga mata.

“Coffee buddies?”

Tumango s’ya.

“Yes! Kapag kailangan mo ng kausap, alam mo kung saan ako hahanapin.”

I looked at the tea that was still in front of us. Nawala na ang init noon but for some reason, I imagined myself still seeing the steam coming out of it.

Tiningnan ko si Ada. She looked hopeful. And I couldn’t understand why she was hoping I would say yes kung magpapakita lang ako sa kanya pero problema ang dala-dala ko.

“Is it really okay?” I asked.

“Oo naman!” mabilis n’yang sagot. “Tsaka ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng coffee buddy na bilyonaryo, ’no? Palalagpasin ko pa ba?”

I looked at her. Deadpan.

“So that’s what this is.”

Ada laughed. And it was refreshing to hear her laughter when I was just in pain earlier.

“Sige na, payag ka na. Hahandaan ulit kita ng tsaang ’to sa susunod.”

I looked at the tea. Hindi ko man lang naubos pero parang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Nawala ang sakit ng ulong iniinda ko kanina.

“What’s with this tea?” I asked.

“Tinuro lang sa ’kin ni Lola. Kapag may sakit ako, lagi n’ya ’kong hinahandaan n’yan. Nakakagaan ng pakiramdaman pagkatapos.”

“So, wala ’to sa menu?”

May pilyang ngiti sa mga labi n’ya nang umiling s’ya.

“Wala. Exclusive lang ’yan sa coffee buddy kong bilyonaryo.”

I couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped from me.

“Such an honor…”

She smiled gently at me. Her thumb caressed the back of my palm.

“I know you can do it, Lucius… Hindi man sa ngayon pero alam ko balang-araw, magagawa mo ring maging masaya.”

She stared at me. Tumitig ako pabalik sa kanya.

“Yeah… I hope so.”

Chapter 14

I sighed when I heard my phone ring for the nth time today. It was already inside the drawer of my office desk. Kanina ko pa inilagay iyon doon dahil kanina pa ako naiistorbo sa pagtunog but it still didn’t even conceal the sound and I could still clearly hear it.

I should’ve set it to silent instead. I was hoping that the caller would give up after ignoring his calls pero hindi pa rin naman tumigil sa pagtunog ang phone ko. I guess I underestimated my father.

Nang sa wakas ay tumigil na ang pagtunog, I quickly took out my phone and set it to silent before my father could call me again. Inilagay ko na iyon ulit sa loob ng drawer at ipinagpatuloy ang pagbabasa ng files sa harapan ko.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to review the files. I was reading the same sentence over and over for about some minutes and when it was about five minutes of doing so, I admitted to myself that I was already distracted.

Damn it. I was doing it to take my mind off today’s date, of the reason why my father was calling me a lot of times now, of why I refused to move off my chair and go home even if I had nothing to do as I already finished all my tasks.

It was Ishtar’s birthday today and I knew why my father had been calling me. He wanted me to go to her birthday party.

But I didn’t want to. Fuck, I didn’t even want to see her. Or to talk to her. Anymore. If I could just erase her in my memory and forget I even knew her, I would. I would gladly do it.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure if any of my friends attended her party pero kahit na sabihing nandoon sila, it wouldn’t compensate anything. Hindi ko matatagalan ang party na ’yon. Hindi ko matatagalan na magpanggap na parang ayos lang ang lahat.

Ishtar’s existence was screaming at the fact that Angela is dead.

But my father kept on calling me. Alam kong pipilitin n’ya akong pumunta sa party kaya hindi ko talaga sinasagot ang mga tawag n’ya. I had no strength to do that. I want nothing to do with Ishtar anymore. And yet my dad couldn’t seem to understand that.

Maybe he was still hoping that we would reconcile. Just like when Ishtar and I were still kids. Na kapag may ginawang mali si Ishtar, I would still tolerate her. I would still forgive her matapos ko s’yang pagsabihan na parang isang nakatatandang kapatid. Because that was what I am to her.

I treated her like my sister. A sister I would always tolerate no matter what she did. I tried to fill in for what she was lacking. A family. Because I knew what his father did to her mother. And I didn’t want Ishtar to think that it would be a problem for her.

And then there was Dad that was hoping he could give her a decent family. He became a good father to her.

But that was before. Hindi naman maliit na bagay ang ginawa ni Ishtar na pagkatapos ay pwede ko s’yang pagsabihan at patawarin. Hindi na kami mga bata. May nawalang buhay dahil sa ginawa n’ya.

I couldn’t forgive her. Not anymore.

I was interrupted when the intercom rang. I answered it and I heard Glenn’s voice from the other line.

“Sir, your father’s on the line.”

Mariin akong napapikit. Fuck it. I should know that my father wouldn’t stop until I talk to him. He must’ve realized that I’m ignoring his calls.

“Sir? Should I tell him you’re busy?” tanong ni Glenn nang ilang sandali akong hindi sumagot.

I sighed. I knew my father wouldn’t stop. He was… strict. Probably because he was the former King of EL Ordre as well as the former CEO of this company. He hated it when I was not answering his calls. There was a big chance he might come here kapag hindi ko pa sinagot ang tawag n’ya ngayon.

“I’ll take his call,” I said.

“Okay, Sir. Connecting him to you now.”

It didn’t take a while before I heard my father’s voice on the other line.

“Goodness, Lucius! Kung hindi pa talaga ako tumawag sa office, talagang wala kang planong sagutin ang tawag ko.”

I took a deep breath, feeling that my head was aching as I did so. I think I’m stressed out. Dumadalas na yata ang pananakit ng ulo ko.

“I’m fine, Dad. Thanks for asking,” I said.

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga n’ya.

“I just want you to go to Ishtar’s birthday party. Kahit saglit lang.”

I looked at the clock. It was already past eight in the evening. Tapos na ang office hours and yet Glenn was still here, taking his overtime. I already told the poor guy that he can go home pero may tinatapos pa raw s’ya. He wanted to finish it today. But I think he was just waiting for me to time out too.

Glenn had been an efficient secretary from the start. I’ll consider raising his salary.

“I’m busy,” maikli kong sabi.

To be honest, wala na talaga akong ginagawa. The files I was reading didn’t even need reviewing. But I’m glad I stayed in the office. Hindi ko maidadahilan kay Dad na busy ako kapag nalaman n’yang wala na ako sa opisina at umuwi na.

Fuck, I just didn’t want to go to that goddamn party.

“Just greet her a happy birthday and then you can go,” Dad tried to negotiate.

I gritted my teeth. Pinigilan ko ang inis na nararamdaman ko. I didn’t want to get mad at my father. I was trying to understand him. He treated Ishtar as his real daughter and I knew he wanted to give her the best.

But right now, I’m too damn tired to understand him.

“Dad…” Napabuntong-hininga ako. “I really don’t want to talk to her anymore.”

Hindi kaagad nakapagsalita si Dad sa kabilang linya. After all, he knew what Ishtar did. Hindi ko iyon itinago sa kanya. I wanted him to know that I have reasons why I was avoiding Ishtar, why I refuse on talking to her. Alam ko kasing nagsasabi sa kanya si Ishtar sa ginagawa kong pag-iwas. And I wanted him to understand where I was coming from.

May mga pagkakataon na nakakaramdam ako ng pagtatampo sa sarili kong ama. He knew it was hard for me to talk to her, to even see her. He knew and yet… he was still asking me to do something like this.

I heard Dad sigh again.

“It is her birthday wish, Lucius…”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang inis na naramdaman ko. God, my head was aching to all of this. I just want this to stop.

Alam naman ni Dad ang rason ko. Yet why he couldn’t understand that it was hard for me to see Ishtar anymore? Why he couldn’t understand that it was hurting me? Why he couldn’t understand that I was suffering?

“Dad…” I said. I clenched my jaw. I didn’t want to lash out on him pero hindi ko na talaga napigilan. Punong-puno na ako. “If you don’t want me to get mad at you, then stop forcing me to talk to Ishtar.”

Natahimik si Dad. I immediately felt bad. After we had reconciled when the game ended, I knew that Dad was trying his best to make it up to me. Alam ko namang bumabawi s’ya at hinahayaan ko s’ya. We started to bond like an actual father and son. Iyong hindi na kami mag-uusap nang dahil lang sa laro. Iyong hindi kami magkikita para lang i-train n’ya ako.

But I just… I just couldn’t give what he wanted when it comes to Ishtar. I didn’t know if I was being selfish but… I just can’t really do it. It was so fucking hard.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” I said, regretting that I lashed out at him. “I’m just really stressed because of work. Marami lang talaga akong ginagawa.”

“It’s okay, son…” he said. His voice was soft. Mas lalo tuloy akong nakonsensya. “I know I am being insensitive with your feelings.”

“You’re not. I know you’re trying to understand me, too.”

“I just want you to be okay, son… Tapos na ang laro. I don’t want you to suffer anymore.”

I pursed my lips. Maybe… Maybe the game was where it all started. Maybe it was really the reason why we suffered and why we didn’t get to live a normal life. Maybe the game gave us all traumas and nightmares that we wished we could be free anymore.

The game has already ended but the effect of its aftermath was still here.

“I’ll be okay, Dad,” I said. Pero kahit nang sabihin ko iyon, hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung mangyayari nga ba iyon.

“Alright…” Narinig ko ang pag-aalinlangan sa boses n’ya. “If you need anything, son, just tell me. I’ll take over the company for a while if you want to have a rest. I do think you need it.”

A tired smile escaped my lips.

“Okay, Dad. I’ll keep that in mind.”

I ended the call and took a deep breath. I definitely think I needed a rest too. Madalas nang sumasakit ang ulo ko at kailangan ko na nga muna sigurong magpahinga sa lahat. But I was worried, afraid rather, that the grief will come to me again once I did so. Once I didn’t have to get busy myself anymore. Natatakot akong mas maramdaman ang sakit.

I only get busy myself with work to divert my attention. Alam ko kasi na kapag wala na akong ibang iniisip, mas mararamdaman ko ang pagkawala ni Angela. Mas maaalala ko ang nangyari noon. Ang mga masasayang alaala na nagtapos lang sa pagkamatay n’ya.

I sighed. I tried to remember what Ada told me. I do want to remember Angela without feeling the pain. She didn’t deserve to be remembered as a painful memory. I wanted to remember her smile, to remember the love in her eyes whenever she looked at me, to remember her innocence that always made me smile, and to remember how much I love her without the pain in my heart.

It’s been a month since my last talk with Ada. Since the last time that I saw her. Pero hindi ko kinalimutan ang mga sinabi n’ya. Hindi ko alam kung nakatulong ba ang mga iyon. But I tried to do what she said to me back then.

And she was right. Grieving is like riding a roller coaster. May mga pagkakataon na akala ko, kaya ko nang maging maayos. Na makakaya kong maging masaya. Then I would remember something that would make me feel that I was at lowest point of my life.

And maybe, maybe I was at that lowest part of the roller coaster. I was still at the bottom and the ride was trying its best to go up. Just like I was trying my best to feel better.

Pero siguro, kahit kaunti, like an inch, umaangat na nga siguro ako. Because there were nights when I didn’t need to drink alcohol just so I could get myself to sleep.

But… I was still having those nightmares. Nahihirapan pa rin kasi akong tanggapin ang lahat.

Could I ever accept it? To accept everything that happened and I couldn’t do anything to change that? Could I ever move forward?

I looked at the time. I already memorized Ada’s shift on her work. Alam kong nandoon na s’ya sa coffee shop.

Maybe, I’ll drop by. Kahit saglit lang.

I closed the file I was reading and turned off my computer. I stood up and took my coat hanging on the coat hanger. Pinatay ko ang ilaw sa loob ng office ko bago lumabas. Agad na napatingin sa ’kin si Glenn.

“Glenn, I’m done for the day. Umuwi ka na rin,” I said.

“Okay, Sir. Malapit na akong matapos sa ginagawa ko.”

I looked at him.

“Alright. I get it. I’ll give you a salary increase so go home, man. Get a life.”

Natawa si Glenn.

“’Yon! Akala ko hindi kayo makakaramdam, Sir, eh.”

I chuckled as I shook my head.

“Umuwi ka na,” sabi ko at naglakad na papuntang elevator.

I rode my motorcycle and drove to Ada’s workplace. Hindi muna ako pumasok sa loob nang makarating ako roon. Pinagmasdan ko muna ang loob at nakita ko si Ada na nasa counter.

There were some customers inside. For a while, I thought of not going in. Baka kasi makaistorbo lang ako sa trabaho ni Ada. I didn’t want to disturb her when all she did was to help me.

But then… I think I’ll just be a customer for now. We can just talk again later when there was no customer.

I went inside the coffee shop. The wind chime jingled when I opened the door kaya napatingin ang iba sa ’kin. As well as Ada who was doing something behind the counter. Her smile widened as soon as she saw me.

“Welcome!” she greeted me with all smiles. She was wearing her uniform. A black button-down polo and black pants. She was also wearing an apron. Sa gitna noon ay ang logo ng café.

I chuckled as I approached her on the counter.

“I’m here as a customer,” I said defensively.

Natawa s’ya. Itinuro n’ya ang menu display sa taas.

“Pili ka sa menu. Hindi pa available ’yung tea na exclusive lang sa coffee buddy ko.”

I smiled. Hindi ko man lang tiningnan ang mga nakalista sa menu.

“What do you recommend?”

“Hmm…” Pinasadahan n’ya ako ng tingin. “Latte, Sir. Bagay sa ’yo.”

I chuckled. Napailing ako.

“Latte. Very original.” Nagkatawanan kami. “I’ll have that then.”

She punched in my order. I was staring on her face as I did so. Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi n’ya nang muli akong tiningnan.

“Cash or card, sir?”

I didn’t know why I laughed at that. Maybe because I remembered something. And I knew she was thinking of that too as I saw it in her eyes. Sinusubukan din n’yang pigilan ang ngiti n’ya pero hindi naman nagawa.

“Card,” I said. I took my card in my wallet and handed it to her.

“Sabi na, eh,” she mumbled.

I shook my head as I try to fight my smile. She did my transaction and handed me my card back.

“Upo na kayo, Sir. Ihahatid ko na lang sa inyo order n’yo.”

“Alright…”

I didn’t choose a seat that was far from the counter. Iyong malapit sa kanya ang pinili ko. Just on the corner so I wouldn’t get distracted. I watched her as she made my latte and she moved so swiftly, as if she was so used to doing it. Hindi rin naman nagtagal at ibinigay n’ya sa ’kin ang order ko.

“Enjoy your coffee, Sir!” she said.

“Thank you.”

I looked at the latte and another chuckle escaped from my lips when I saw the art. It was the face of a panda. For a moment, I wonder if I have dark circles under my eyes due to lack of sleep.

Well, maybe I did.

Napailing na lang ako. I took my coffee and sipped on it, feeling grateful that I chose to go here instead of that birthday party.

Chapter 15

It was around midnight when the last customer finally left the café. Ada was busy doing something behind the counter. I guess she was checking the inventory as it was already the end of the day. She was so engrossed with what she was doing. Hindi man lang napansin na lumabas na ang huling customer.

Napatingin ako sa mesang binakante noon. The cup and the small plate that the customer used were still there. Muli akong napatingin kay Ada. I don’t think she’ll be done soon.

So, I stood up and approached the table. I started cleaning it but I guess my movements caught Ada’s attention. Kakahawak ko lang ng baso nang magsalita s’ya.

“Huy, ano ba? Ako na d’yan,” she said. Mabilis s’yang lumabas mula sa counter.

“It’s okay. Just continue what you’re doing.”

Napasimangot s’ya at inagaw sa ’kin ang cup na hawak ko na.

“Ano ka ba? Hindi mo trabaho ’yan. Umupo ka na nga lang du’n.”

“I can help.”

Pinameywangan n’ya ’ko.

“Umupo ka na lang ulit do’n, Lucius.”

Ibinaba n’ya pa ang cup para ilagay ang dalawang kamay sa likod ko at bahagya akong itinulak pabalik sa pwesto ko kanina. I chuckled and leaned my weight on her so she had a hard time pushing me. I heard her groan.

“Lucius!” saway n’ya nang mahalata ang ginagawa ko pero rinig ko naman ang tawa sa boses n’ya.

Her face was frowning when I finally got back to my seat. But I could see that she was trying not to smile. She was pretending that she was mad at what I did while I was smiling up at her as she was standing in front of me. Ang mga kamay n’ya ay nakalagay sa mga bewang n’ya.

“D’yan ka lang. Huwag kang gagalaw.”

“Pwedeng huminga?” biro ko.

She glared at me.

“Ewan ko. Pwede ba?” inis na tanong n’ya na tinawanan ko lang. She looked so cute trying to get mad at me but failing. “Mabilis lang ako.”

I watched her turn around and started cleaning the mess on that table. Mabilis ang naging kilos n’ya. Halatang sanay na sanay. In no time, she managed to clean the table for half a minute. While I think it would take me at least three minutes. Well, I guess that’s the reason why she just wanted me to take my seat. Mas tatagal lang ang trabaho n’ya.

She went back to the counter and continued doing the inventory. I had nothing to do but watch her move. I noticed she was frowning a bit, forming a small knot on her forehead whenever she was concentrating, whenever she was serious about what she was doing. And her lips were even pouting a bit as she did so.

I tore my gaze off her and checked my phone instead. Hindi na ulit ako tinawagan ni Dad pagkatapos noon. I didn’t have any idea what was happening at the party, or if my friends were there. The group chat was noisy because of Creed, as usual, pero wala silang nababanggit tungkol sa party.

I was about to put my phone back in my pants when Creed mentioned me.

Archer: Hoy, King @ Aius! Pasilip-silip na lang tayo ah?

I rolled my eyes and groaned. Napansin kong bahagyang napasulyap sa ’kin si Ada.

I ignored Creed. But the fucker was at it again.

Archer: Kumusta na?

Archer: Baka naman pwedeng makibalita jan?

Archer: Ang tahimik natin nitong mga nakaraan ah?

Archer: Nalulungkot na ko.

Archer: May kanya-kanya na tayong buhay.

Archer: Pero sana naman walang kalimutan.

Archer: Kayo na lang kaibigan ko.

Tracer: Kami lang kasi ang kayang magtyaga sayo.

Archer: Ouch, man! Parang hindi kaibigan ah?

I chuckled. Wala nang nag-reply sa kanya pagkatapos noon.

Archer: O seen na naman ako.

Archer: Okay lang sana kung hindi ko nakikitang

nababasa nyo chats ko eh.

Archer:  Pero seen talaga?

Archer: @ everyone baka naman meet up tayo soon.

Plutus: For fucks sake Creed, someone is trying to sleep!

Archer: Sino?

Plutus: Tangina

Plutus: Alam mo ba kung anong oras na?

Archer: Oo. 12:54 am

Plutus: Magpagtulog ka!

Archer: Mamaya na. Ngayon pang may kausap na ko.

Archer: Kumusta na sa pinakapaborito kong best friend na kahit na minumura ko mahal na mahal ko pa rin?

Plutus: Putangina mo!

Plutus: Tarantado!

Plutus: Bangungutin ka sanang tangina ka!

Archer: Lutong non ah?

Hindi ko na napigilan ang matawa. I shook my head as I finally put the phone back in my pants. Alam ko kasing magsisimula nang mag-asaran ang dalawa. And when I looked at the group chat again later in the morning, I knew it would be full of Kylo’s curses.

“Ang saya mo, ah?”

I looked at Ada. She was holding two cups and I could still see steam coming out from them. Tatayo na sana ako para tulungan s’ya. I was afraid she’d get hurt. But Ada shook her head and carefully placed the cups in front of my table before she sat on the chair across from mine.

“Is this the tea exclusive for your coffee buddy?” tanong kong ikinatawa n’ya.

“Oo ’yan nga. Iyan naman ang ipinunta mo rito, ’di ba?”

I didn’t say anything. Hindi ko na s’ya itinama. I decided not to tell her that I actually went here not for the tea but to see her instead. As I didn’t know where to go right now. Dahil ayaw ko rin namang pumunta sa birthday party ni Ishtar.

I took the cup and placed both of my hands around it, feeling the warmth. I could feel it seep through my veins and I immediately felt relaxed.

It was really the right decision that I came here.

“Kumusta ka na?” she asked.

Nagkibit-balikat ako.

“I still have nightmares… Hirap pa rin akong tanggapin ang nangyari.”

Ada nodded. As if she could really understand me.

“Okay lang ’yan. Alam kong hindi madali. Hindi rin naman agad-agad na magagawa mo ’yon,” she said. “Pero alam kong sinusubukan mo. At iyon ang mahalaga.”

I frowned at her.

“How do you know I am trying?”

She smiled at me, making her look so pretty.

“Kasi nandito ka ulit.”

Natahimik ako. I looked down at my tea. Hindi ko na napigilan ang bahagyang mapangiti dahil sa sinabi n’ya.

“Ngiting-ngiti ka kanina, ah?” she said after a while. Napatingin ako sa kanya at nakita kong humihigop s’ya sa tsaa n’ya. “Narinig ko pa ngang tumawa ka.”

“Hmm?” I raised an eyebrow at her, sipping on my tea before putting it down. “Oh… It was my friend. Nangugulo na naman kasi sa gc namin. Though, it isn’t something new.”

“Madalas n’yang ginagawa n’yon?”

I chuckled.

“Oo. Kami na lang ang nasanay sa kanya.”

Well… After being friends with Creed for such a long time, kailangan ko talagang masanay. He wasn’t like that at first. He didn’t even show any emotions before. Kaya naman nagulat kami nang isang araw ay ngumingiti na s’ya.

But then, it was a relief that he changed. Mas gusto na naming ganito s’ya kaysa sa bumalik s’ya sa dati. As if he was just a killing-machine.

I noticed Ada smiling at me. I cleared my throat before I frowned at her.

“Why?” I asked.

“Wala naman,” sabi n’yang umiling. But there was still that soft smile on her lips, making her look even more beautiful. “Natutuwa lang akong makita ’yung totoo mong ngiti.”

“My smile looked fake before?”

She chuckled and I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she did so.

“Hindi… Dati kasi, grabe ’yung lungkot sa mga mata mo kahit na nakangiti ka. Kahit sino’ng makakita no’n, malalaman na hindi ka talaga masaya.”

I stared at her, amazed at how she noticed that so easily when we only had a few interactions before. Pang-ilan na ba ’tong pagkikita namin? Fourth? Fifth time? And I rarely smile on those occasions.

Yet Ada noticed it. She noticed that my smile wasn’t genuine. That even though I was smiling as the situation calls for it, there was still that hollow and empty space in my chest that prevented me from feeling genuine happiness.

Hindi ko alam kung ganoon ba kahalata ang lungkot sa mga mata ko dahil madali n’yang nakita ’yon. I tried to act like I was fine for more than a decade now, and I even thought I mastered it. Pero nakita agad ni Ada ang pagkukunwari ko.

“Hindi magiging mabilis, Lucius… Pero alam ko, magiging okay ka,” she said with a smile that made her face glow.

I hid my smile over the cup of tea, taking a sip of the drink. Nakita kong humigop din si Ada sa tsaa n’ya pero hindi katulad ko, kitang-kita ko ang ngiti sa mga labi n’ya.

I looked at the clock on the wall behind her. It was past one in the morning. Tahimik na ang paligid but the silence was comfortable. It had been so long since I felt this comfortable with silence. With a woman that I knew nothing about.

I looked at Ada. She looked tired but I could tell that she seemed relaxed as well. It made me feel good. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable around me. I didn’t want to be a bother to her.

“So, you don’t have any customers around this time?” I asked when I put down the cup.

She turned her body slightly, glancing at the wall clock behind her before she looked at me.

“Actually, maaga pa nga ’to,” she said. “Mga two talaga nawawalan ng customer. Kaya gano’n oras kita pinapunta noon kung sakaling gusto mo ng kausap.”

I looked outside. It was dark and quiet. Walang masyadong dumadaang sasakyang sa kalyeng iyon ng mga ganitong oras. I already noticed that the first time I came here.

“Hindi ka natatakot?” I asked.

She stifled a laugh. It was a good thing she wasn’t drinking the tea.

“Hindi ako takot sa multo, ano ka ba?”

I stared at her for a while. Then I frowned.

“I mean…” I scratched my left brow. “What if this place gets robbed?”

Ilang sandaling nakatitig lang sa ’kin si Ada. Nakakunot pa ang noo n’ya na para bang sinusubukang intindihin ang sinabi ko. Then, her eyes widened. She even clutched her hand on her chest, just where her heart was, and gasped loudly.

“OMG, oo nga, ’no?”

I stared at her.

“You mean… Hindi mo man lang naisip ’yon?”

She shook her head.

“Hindi! Ang tagal ko na rin kasing nagtatrabaho rito. Pero wala namang nangyayari.”

“Still… That might happen,” I said as I shook my head. “And here I thought you like watching movies.”

She scrunched her nose.

“Hindi ko naman kasi talaga naisip na mangyayari ’yan.”

“Pero naisip mong baka binayaran ni Ishtar ’yung driver ng cab na sasakyan mo sana noon?”

“Posible naman talaga! Alam kong mayaman din ’yung Ishtar na ’yon.”

“Yet you didn’t even think this place might get robbed.”

“Safe nga kasi rito.”

Hindi makapaniwalang napailing ako sa kanya.

“Paano kung mangyari ’yon? How can you even defend yourself?”

She paused. Nakita ko ang pag-aalangan at takot sa mga mata n’ya. But then she shook her head.

“Hindi mangyayari ’yon.”

“You should change your shift. Or at least tell the owner to hire a guard.”

She considered it for a while.

“Tinatakot mo ’ko, Lucius…” She tried to laugh but her voice broke.

I took a deep breath. I watched her sip on the tea, trying to calm her nerves.

“It wasn’t my intention to scare you. I’m just worried. Mag-isa ka lang dito.”

Natigilan si Ada. She stared at me. For a while, she looked like she was about to run as far as she could from me. Hindi ko naman alam kung bakit. Then she chuckled.

“’Wag ka ngang ganyan. Mabilis akong ma-fall.”

I looked at her, dumbfounded.

“What?” I said with a laugh.

“Hayaan mo na ’ko rito. Nakakainis naman. Coffee buddies lang dapat tayo!”

“And I can’t worry about my coffee buddy?”

She let out a nervous chuckle. Uminom s’ya sa tsaa n’ya.

“Mabilis akong kiligin lalo na kapag may sobrang gwapo na nag-aalala sa ’kin!”

I blinked.

“You find me handsome?”

“Lucius!” Nagpapadyak pa s’ya ng mga paa na parang nawalan na ng pasensya sa ’kin.

Because I couldn’t help it, I laughed. She looked cute when she was frustrated.

“Bakit ka ba kasi nandito?” she asked and I knew she was trying to change the subject. “Kailangan mo ulit ng kausap?”

I decided to drop the topic we had earlier. As I’ve said, I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, especially around me.

“Birthday ni Ishtar,” I said. “She has a party. Ayokong pumunta.”

“Ah!” She snapped her fingers. “Oo nga. Naaalala ko na. Ini-invite ka n’ya noon. Ngayon pala ’yon…”

“Yeah… Wala ’kong mapuntahan. I thought my friends were there too. So, I decided to go here and annoy you instead.”

Natawa s’ya sa sinabi ko.

“Pero wala ang mga kaibigan mo ro’n?”

I shook my head. Their chats earlier told me that they weren’t at the party. Though I’m sure as hell that Ishtar invited them.

“Wala. Kanina ko lang nalaman. Nu’ng nag-chat sila sa gc.”

“Kaya ba nakangiti ka?”

Muli akong umiling.

“One of my friends was being an asshole again. That was why…”

“Kung napapangiti ka ng mga kaibigan mo, they’re good friends then.”

Napangiti ako bago tumango.

“They are. Pamilya na ang turing ko sa kanila.”

Ada smiled at me.

“That’s good to hear.”

We fell into a comfortable silence again, drinking our tea. I was glad to feel something like this again, Where I can feel relaxed. Where I can be with someone as comfortable as her. Where I could easily talk about anything I wanted. Hindi ko gustong hanap-hanapin ang ganitong pakiramdam. But then… I don’t think I could stay away from this anymore.

“Do you think it’s okay if I don’t forgive Ishtar?”

Mukhang hindi inaasahan ni Ada ang tanong ko. But she recovered fast.

“Kung ako lang… okay lang naman,” she said. “Nahihirapan ka na ngang patawarin ang sarili mo sa nangyari kahit hindi mo naman kasalanan, paano pa kaya ’yung taong may kasalanan na talaga?”

I frowned at her, amused at what she said.

“Why didn’t you give the usual advice?” I asked. “That I should learn how to forgive others.”

Because that was the usual, right? Iyon din ang madalas na sasabihin ng iba. That I should forgive Ishtar.

Ada gave me a gentle smile.

“Kasi ang dapat mong patawarin talaga ay ang sarili mo, Lucius… Hindi ang ibang tao. Dahil wala ka namang kasalanan talaga.”

“Do you think it’s better if I continue avoiding her?”

She shrugged her shoulders.

“Kung iyon ang magbibigay sa ’yo ng peace of mind. Alam mo kasi, Lucius, hindi naman pinipilit ang pagpapatawad. If you can’t forgive her, then you don’t have to. Hindi mo kailangang pilitin ang sarili mo kung mahirap para sa ’yo. Lalo na kung sobra kang nasaktan sa ginawa n’ya.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore…” I admitted.

“Hmm…” Ada hummed. She gave it careful thought. “Siguro mag-focus ka muna sa pagpapatawad sa sarili mo. Then maybe after that, alam mo na kung ano’ng gagawin mo. Ayoko rin naming bigyan ka ng advice kung ano’ng dapat mong gawin kay Ishtar. Kasi alam kong masyado kang nasaktan at nasasaktan ka pa rin hanggang ngayon. At alam ko rin na hindi mo s’ya kayang patawarin.”

She smiled at me. Hindi ko inalis ang titig ko sa kanya kaya kitang-kita ko ang bawat expression n’ya.

“Kaya hindi ako magbibigay ng advice sa ’yo na patawarin mo s’ya kung alam kong mapipilitan ka lang,” she continued. “Afterall, the most important person you need to forgive right now is yourself. So, you can finally let go of your pain and guilt.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita pagkatapos. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa kanya. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as I wondered how she could say all those things I wanted to hear. All the things I needed to hear.

Why the hell did I avoid her in the first place? Nanghinayang ako sa isang taon na iniwasan ko s’ya at hindi ko sinagot ang tawag n’ya. I should’ve talked to her back then. Siguro ngayon, ayos na ako. Maybe not completely but still, better than I was right now.

I smiled at her. Nakita kong natulala si Ada sa ngiting ibinigay ko sa kanya.

“You’re wonderful,” I said, staring straight into her eyes.

She blinked. Then she blushed. Itinago n’ya iyon sa paghigop sa tsaa n’ya.

“Sabi ko sa ’yo mabilis akong ma-fall, eh,” she whined like a little kid.

And because I couldn’t help it, I laughed.

Chapter 16

Ada said that the owner considered hiring a guard but it has been over a month since she said that but the guard was nowhere to be seen. It was either the owner was lying or Ada was lying to keep me from bringing up that topic again.

But I don’t think that Ada lied to me as I saw the truth in her eyes when she told me about it. I don’t even think that she’ll lie to me. So, I just assumed that it was the owner who didn’t tell the truth.

I just couldn’t help but get irritated and worried at the thought that Ada had a night shift alone in that café. It was dangerous for a woman like her to be alone at that time. Ayos lang sana kung may kasama s’ya, at least a guy, as there was someone who could protect her if a robbery broke in.

Why the hell did she even have a night shift? I don’t think they even have rotating shift dahil sa ganoong oras ko lagi naaabutan si Ada sa café ever since the first time I went there. Ibig sabihin, matagal na ring ganoon ang shift n’ya.

The owner is fucking stupid to let Ada work at that time alone.

I was at the café again, watching Ada behind the counter as a customer tells her his order. She was all smiles while looking at him, repeating his order before she punched it into the machine. Halos gabi-gabi na akong pumupunta rito, watching over her as I was really worried something might happen.

Maybe… Maybe I was thinking about what happened with Angela. If I only get to properly watch her that time, to protect her, then maybe… we could’ve prevented what happened to her.

Am I being paranoid? Overprotective? Am I crossing the line here? Tama ba ang ginagawa kong ’to?

I groaned inwardly. Damn. If only the fucking owner would hire a guard, mapapatanag na sana ang loob ko.

Should I talk with the owner? O ako na lang kaya ang mag-hire ng guard para sa kanila?

“Okay ka lang?”

I looked at Ada. She was standing in front of me while holding that small tray, hugging it over her chest. I was sitting at my usual spot in the corner near the counter so I could always see her. It was almost midnight at that time and there were only two customers inside.

“Yeah, why?” I asked, looking up at her.

“Nakakunot kasi ang noo mo. Galit ka ba?”

“I’m pissed,” pag-amin ko.

It was her turn to frown. Umupo pa s’ya sa harapan ko na para bang handang makinig sa problema ko. Like she always does.

“Bakit? Ano’ng problema?” she asked.

I stared at her. She was wearing her uniform. Her hair was in a bun, like usual. Sanay na akong makitang ganito ang ayos n’ya.

“Bakit hindi pa rin nagha-hire ng guard ’yung owner?” I asked. Hindi ko na naitago ang inis ko.

I saw her blink. Nagulat yata sa ipinakita kong inis. Maybe she was not used to seeing me pissed. I suddenly wondered what my image of her was inside her head. Like some grown-up and grieving man who is always in pain with the death of the love of his life?

Goddammit. That didn’t sound cool. Maybe I should accept that I look lame in her eyes.

“Hindi ko alam,” she said after a while. “Baka busy pa. O baka wala pang mahanap.”

“That’s bullshit. It has been over a month, Ada. Imposibleng wala pang nahahanap ang owner. There are so many agencies out there!”

“’Wag ka ngang magalit,” mahinahong sabi n’ya sa kabila ng inis ko. “Okay nga lang kasi ako rito. Ilang taon na kong nagtatrabaho rito pero wala namang masamang nangyayari.”

“So, you’ll wait for something to happen before the goddamn owner hires a guard?”

Napangiwi s’ya sa pagmumura ko. I knew I was acting ridiculous. Or overprotective. But I think it is normal for an establishment to hire a guard for the safety of the business and its employees, right? Especially if it’s open twenty-four fucking hours!

Ada mumbled something. I frowned. Hindi ko kasi narinig.

“What was that?” I asked.

She looked at me. Nakasimangot na s’ya.

“Mas lalo kang gumugwapo kapag galit ka at nag-aalala ang sabi ko!” she said and she looked pissed because of that.

I blinked. I didn’t expect that. Heto at naiinis ako pero iyon talaga ang napansin n’ya?

I took a deep breath, fighting my smile. Damn it. Wala na. Nawala na agad ang inis ko.

“I think I need that tea,” I said instead.

“Mamaya na. May mga customer pa,” she said with a little pout.

She looked cute. I couldn’t help my smile.

“Alright. I can wait.”

“Ang dami mong oras, ’no? Gabi-gabi kang nandito. Wala ka bang trabaho?”

“Office hours are already over.”

“Hindi uso sa ’yo ang overtime?”

I chuckled. She was sulking. I felt bad getting mad at her earlier when she didn’t even do anything wrong. But she looked adorable like this.

“Nah… I’m an efficient man. I always finish all my work on time.”

“Congratulations,” sabi n’yang walang kahit anong reaction sa mukha. Natawa tuloy ako.

Ada remained sitting in front of me until the last customer went out. Wala naman kaming pinag-uusapan. I let her rest as she looked tired.

It was almost one in the morning when she stood up and started cleaning the messy table. Pinanood ko lang s’ya sa pagkilos dahil alam kong hindi n’ya naman ako hahayaang tulungan s’ya. I tried doing that and she ended up getting mad at me. So, like a behaving little boy, I just remained in my seat.

Nasa kalagitnaan s’ya ng paglilinis nang tumunog ang wind chime na nasa pinto, indicating that someone opened it. Sabay pa kaming napalingon ni Ada sa pintuan.

“Welcome, Sir!” Ada greeted them while I groaned out loud. Nagtatakang napatingin sa ’kin si Ada sa naging reaction ko pero nanatili akong nakatingin sa pumasok.

No. Scratched that. Sa mga pumasok.

“’Yo, King!” Creed greeted. He even waved a hand at me.

“What the fuck are you all doing here?” I asked, frowning so deeply. Halos magsalubong na ang mga kilay ko.

The whole gang was there. Even Helios and Luther.

Except for Gray.

“Manggugulo lang,” Creed said before he looked at Ada who was just staring at them. “Pwedeng paglapitin ang mga table at upuan?”

“Ha?” She blinked. “Ah, opo. Pwede naman.”

She was about to do it herself when Hunter stopped her.

“It’s okay. Kami na ang gagawa,” he said.

Like they own the place, they started moving the tables and placed them beside mine. Nagmukha tuloy isang mahabang table iyon. They all took their chairs and sat down.

I sighed helplessly. Looking at them like this, hindi ko tuloy maiwasang maalala kapag nagkakaroon kami ng meeting sa EL Ordre noon.

“Wala ka na kasing paramdam, Lucius,” Creed started when they all settled in. “Dito ka lang pala nagtatago.”

“I’m still working at the hotel every fucking day, man,” I said, “But you all decided to corner me here instead.”

They chuckled.

“Obviously, you’re not at the hotel at this time,” Death pointed out.

“How the hell did you know I was here?” I asked but then shook my head when I looked at Hunter and L. “Never mind.”

I was even more surprised that L was here.

“Hindi ka na kasi nagcha-chat sa gc,” Creed said. “Kahit sa pm ko hindi ka sumasagot.”

“I don’t think Lucius is the only one who’s not answering your pm,” L said.

Creed frowned at him.

“Wala naman laglagan! Porque marunong kang mang-hack, eh ’no?”

L just shrugged his shoulders at him.

“Grabe, umuulan ng mga gwapo.”

We fell in silence and looked at Ada who mumbled that but because we all had trained hearing, narinig namin iyon. Ada yelped when she noticed we were all looking at her. Nakatayo s’ya sa gitna at mukhang hindi alam kung tatakbo palayo o magtatago sa ilalim ng lamesa.

I chuckled. She even looked adorable when she was panicking.

“I like her,” Creed said.

“Gago. Lahat naman ng magsasabi sa ’yo ng gwapo, okay sa ’yong tangina ka,” Kylo said.

“Gusto ko ng mga honest na tao,” Creed corrected, chuckling.

I took a deep breath.

“Don’t scare her, assholes. And stop looking at her.”

This time, all heads turned to look at me. I didn’t show any emotion but I suddenly wished I had my tea this time so I could have something to hide my face.

“We’re not doing anything to her, Lucius,” Loki said. He was sitting beside Ada, on her left.

I looked at him and almost cursed at myself. I saw something in his eyes and I knew he was having an idea in that smart brain of his.

Fucking damn it.

“May gagawin pa lang,” Creed chuckled before he looked at Ada. “Hey… Halika. Upo ka.” He even stood up and offered her his seat.

“Ha?” Nakita ko na nagsimulang mataranta si Ada. “Naku, hindi na. May gagawin pa ’ko.”

“Saglit lang, promise! May ilan lang kaming itatanong sa ’yo.”

Ada glanced at me. Mukhang nagpapatulong. But I could tell that Loki’s eyes were still on me so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to do anything that would confirm whatever was inside of his head right now.

So, I just looked at Ada. Hinayaan ko s’yang magdesisyon. After all, I don’t think she’ll do something she didn’t want. Ganoon ko s’ya nakilala.

I thought she was going to refuse. Pero nagulat ako nang lumapit s’ya at umupo sa inupuan ni Creed. Her seat was just beside mine. Napatitig ako sa kanya, hinahanapan ng kahit ano sa mukha n’ya na nagsasabing ayaw n’ya sa nangyayari ngayon. But I only saw curiosity in her eyes.

“Ano’ng pangalan mo?” Creed asked. Kumuha s’ya ng upuan at inilagay sa tabi ni Kylo.

“Adalina. Pero Ada na lang itawag n’yo sa ’kin.” She looked shy but she managed to smile at them.

I noticed Creed glanced at me. Tiningnan ko lang s’ya pabalik pero muli s’yang tumingin kay Ada.

“Ilang taon ka na?” he asked her again.

“Twenty-six.”

The fucker looked at me again. I frowned but he didn’t say anything.

“Taga-saan ka? Ano’ng trabaho ng mga magulang mo?”

“The fuck, Creed!” I hissed. “Stop asking her questions!”

“Nagtatanong lang naman!” depensa pa ng gago.

“You’re making her uncomfortable!”

“Ay, hindi, a?” Ada said. Ikinumpas pa ang mga kamay. “Okay lang. I’m not uncomfortable.”

I looked at her.

“Are you sure?” I asked. She didn’t look uncomfortable but I still want to make sure.

“Oo. Okay lang,” she said.

“You don’t have to answer their questions if you don’t want to.”

“Okay nga lang. Promise. Mga kaibigan mo naman sila.”

I stared at her, finding something that would tell me she was lying. But she was beaming. Her eyes were even glowing. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang mapabuntong-hininga na lang.

I looked at my friends. I caught Loki’s eyes and groaned inwardly when I saw one of his eyebrows raised at me. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita.

“I’m from Mandaluyong,” Ada said. Napatingin kaming lahat sa kanya. “’Yung parents ko naman, namatay bata pa lang ako. Car accident.”

I cursed inwardly when silence fell. Tangina. Sana hindi ko na sila hinayaang magtanong!

“May mga kapatid ka?” Hunter asked.

Ada shook her head.

“Nag-iisang anak lang ako.”

“Sino’ng nag-alaga sa ’yo?” Kylo asked. I could tell that he was curious about her as well.

“Sina Lolo at Lola. Pero wala na rin sila. Namatay si Lolo… Mahigit sampung taon na rin? Twelve years? Thirteen years?” She shrugged. “Si Lola naman, sumunod kay Lolo five years ago.”

Mas lalong natahimik ang table. I looked at Ada. She looked like she was used on telling these stories. O pinipilit n’ya lang ang sarili n’yang magmukhang sanay at parang wala na ang lahat sa kanya. But I could see a hint of sadness in her eyes that she was trying to hide.

And now I was feeling more frustrated. Damn it. And here I said I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable!

I saw Loki tap her twice on the back.

“You did well,” he said.

Ada blushed so hard she couldn’t hide the redness of her face. Yumuko pa s’ya pero kahit ang tenga n’ya ay mapupula. I heard some of my friends chuckle but I pursed my lips.

I wanted to be the one to tell her that. I wanted to be the one to comfort her. Just like what she did to me. I wanted to return the favor. But I just remained sitting in my seat like a fucking idiot who didn’t know what to do.

“Mayayaman din kayo, ’no?” Ada asked. I could tell that she was trying to shift the topic to something else. Or maybe she wanted to divert their attention away from her blushing face.

“Sinabi ba ni Lucius ’yan?” Death asked but his eyes were focused on the coffee maker as if he wanted to make coffee.

Ada shook her head.

“Ah, hindi. Hula ko lang.” Then she shook her head again. “Sigurado pala ako. Ang gugwapo n’yo kasi. Tapos halata sa porma n’yo na mayayaman kayo. Tapos ang gugwapo n’yo pa.”

“Dalawang beses mong sinabing gwapo sila,” I pointed out pero hindi ako pinansin ni Ada.

“Isang tingin pa lang sa inyo, halatang mayayaman na kayo,” she said.

My goddamn friends were all smirking. Napailing na lang ako.

“Ano’ng meron sa inyo ni Lucius?” Creed asked all of a sudded.

I heard Ada make a small squeak. Mukhang nagulat sa naging tanong ni Creed. While I looked at the fucker and glared at him.

“The fuck are you talking about?” I asked with gritted teeth. Tinawanan lang ako ng gago.

“What? Madalas ka raw nandito. Mga four times a week.”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko.

“How the hell did you even know that?”

Hunter raised his hand slightly.

“Guilty,” he said pero nakangisi naman.

Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin ako sa kanya.

“You tracked my location?”

“I’m sorry, man.” Hunter looked apologetic. “We’re just worried about you.”

“Ang tahimik mo nga kasi nitong mga nakaraan. Wala kang paramdam,” Creed said.

“We just want to check on you,” Helios said. Sa wakas ay nagsalita rin.

I stared at them. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything after that.

I didn’t know whether to feel touched or feel bad. My friends were worried about me. Na ilang araw, o linggo lang akong hindi magparamdam, they would immediately check on me. As if they didn’t have any matter to worry about. As if they weren’t busy.

I was touched, and thankful. I was grateful that I have friends like them.

But I also felt bad. I knew they were busy with their work and their families. And yet… and yet here they were.

I sighed.

“You really didn’t have to,” I said, feeling guilty. “I know you’re all busy. You should’ve used this time to just spend with your families.”

“Stupid. We need some time off too,” L said. I stopped myself from feeling insulted dahil alam kong prangkang tao talaga ’tong tahimik na ’to.

“Even with your families?” I asked instead.

They chuckled.

“Ano ka ba, Lucius?” Creed said with a chuckle. “Normal lang ang ganito. Kaya nga may inuman na tinatawag. Saka tulog na rin naman sila.”

“Hindi ako nakakaistorbo?” I asked.

“Hindi!”

“The fuck was that?”

“No!”

Sabay-sabay nilang sabi. Nagulat pa ako nang makisali si Ada.

“We just want to hang out with you again,” Death said. Wala na ang atensyon sa coffee maker.

“Or know what’s going on with your life,” it was Helios.

“Hindi ka nga kasi nagpaparamdam,” Creed said and I glared at the motherfucker. He said that three times already! As if I didn’t know about that!

But then, I smiled. This time, I was genuinely touched without feeling bad. Nakita ko pa nga na natigilan ang mga kaibigan ko nang ngumiti ako sa kanila.

And I have to admit, I missed spending time with them as well. Simula kasi nang matapos ang laro, hindi na kami madalas na nagkikita-kita. Maybe they were all trying to make up for those times that the game robbed us. And maybe they were all trying to finally live a normal life.

“Wala kaming kahit na anong alcohol beverages sa menu,” Ada said, “kaya coffee lang ang pwede kong ma-offer sa inyo.”

Ada stood up, probably to make coffee for us. But I stopped her by holding her wrist. Tumayo na rin ako.

“Don’t bother. Aalis na rin sila,” I said.

They all groaned. Narinig ko ang kanya-kanya nilang reklamo. I couldn’t help my chuckle.

“Aalis na kami?” Creed asked.

“Yes,” mariin kong sabi.

“Pero ngayon na lang ulit tayo nagkita-kita,” he whined.

And I knew why Creed was acting like that. Like what he said on the group chat last time, kami lang ang kaibigan n’ya. He didn’t get to spend time like this before. He didn’t get to make any friends because of the game. Because of what the gamemaster made him do.

Creed rarely had time like this. Kung hindi pa dahil sa game, hindi kami magsasama-sama noon.

I took a deep breath.

“We’ll catch up again some other time. Over some drinks,” I said. “I promise.”

Nagkatinginan sila. Mukhang pinag-iisipan ang sinabi ko. I knew they were ready to hang out now but when they saw the seriousness on my face, they all nodded.

“Alright. Some other time then.” Naunang tumayo si Death. Sumunod ang iba. Ibinalik nila sa ayos ang mga lamesa at upuan.

Isa-isa silang nagpaalam kay Ada. They all shook hands with her, also telling them their names as well. And I watched as Ada looked like she was about to pass out.

Nang si Helios na ang magpapakilala, he handed her his business card.

“I’m Helios Gallagher. I own the Gallagher Empire,” he said. “If you want to work in the corporate world, just give me a call.”

“Ay, ’wag ka d’yan, Ada!” Creed warned. “Bumubuga ng apoy ’yan.”

“Why don’t you work at Lucius’ hotel instead?” Luther suggested.

Natigilan ako. Napaisip sa sinabi n’ya.

Why the fuck I haven’t thought of that?

“Sige na, Lucius. We’ll go now,” Hunter said.

I just nodded. They all tapped my back before finally going out of the café. I watched them go inside their cars and drove away.

I looked at Ada. She was staring at Helios’ business card with a smile on her face.

“Grabe… Hindi na lang ikaw ang kilala kong bilyonaryo,” she said with all smiles.

I gave her a deadpan look.

“I’m glad it worked out for you.”

Natawa si Ada. She probably heard the sarcasm in my voice.

“’To naman! Natutuwa lang ako. Nagselos ka nama d’yan agad.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Pero masaya ’kong may mga kaibigan kang katulad nila,” she said. “Bukod sa halatang mayayaman sila, halata ko rin na mabubuti silang mga tao.”

I smiled her.

“Yeah… I’m glad I have friends like them too.”

She smiled back at me. Pinanood ko s’yang ibinulsa ang business card at pumunta na sa likod ng counter. Ilang sandali bago ko s’ya sinundan.

“Hey… What do you think about working at my hotel?” I carefully asked.

Mabilis s’yang napalingon sa ’kin.

“Ano?” There was a frown on her face.

“There’s a coffee shop there. It’s inside the hotel lobby so it’s safe.”

Nakita ko ang pag-aalinlangan sa mga mata n’ya. I took a deep breath, thinking of what I should say to convince her.

“Hindi ko alam…” she even said.

“Mas malaki ang sahod do’n.”

“Bakit hindi mo sinabi agad?” she said, smiling widely at me that I blinked. “Ano-ano mga requirements? Kailan ako pwedeng magsimula?”

I chuckled. Napailing na lang ako.

“I’ll give a head up first to the café manager. Then you can start anytime.”

“Sige ba!” sabi n’yang ngiting-ngiti pa rin. Natawa na lang ako bago napailing.

Alright… Now, I didn’t have to worry about her safety then.

Chapter 17

“…er! … na! Huy!”

Still with my eyes closed, I frowned. I wasn’t sure if I was just imagining it. But I could feel I wasn’t alone in the room. I heard a voice. I still couldn’t make it out as I was disoriented from sleep.

Then, someone was shaking my body, as if trying to wake me up. Then I heard that voice again, still, I couldn’t understand the words.

“… na! Aba!”

I groaned when someone shook me again. I felt a hand on my arm, shaking me harder this time. Mas lumalim ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko at kahit na hirap, sinubukan kong idilat ang mga mata ko dahil may palagay akong hindi titigil ang sinumang iyon hangga’t hindi ako nagigising.

My vision was blurry at first. I was blinded by lights, by the sunlight coming through from the glass wall as the curtain was already drawn to the side. I closed my eyes again as it felt hurt by the brightness before I opened them again. It took me a while before my vision finally cleared.

And the first thing I saw was a beautiful woman looking down at me, so beautiful she almost looked like an angel. She smiled as soon as she saw that I was finally awake.

“Sa wakas! Gising na rin ang mahal na hari!”

I couldn’t move. I feel like I was in a dream. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa kanya. Her lips stretched into a wide smile. And because she was looking down at me as I still lay on the bed unmoving, her long black hair beautifully fell on either side of her head. She tried to tuck the strands behind her ears but because it was soft and silky, muli lang iyon nahulog sa magkabilang gilid ng mukha n’ya. I watched as she just laughed it off.

My heart swells with so many emotions. Pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako humihinga habang nakatitig sa napakagandang tanawin sa harapan ko. Ni ayoko ngang gumalaw. Fuck, I longed to have mornings as wonderful as this. And now, it was given to me. Again. Finally.

“Angela…”

Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti n’ya. The brightness of the sunlight outside was nothing compared to her smile that lit up my dark world.

“Bangon na, Lester. Maghahain na ako ng almusal natin.”

She stood up straight after that. Hindi pa rin ako gumagalaw. Hindi pa rin ako gumalaw kahit na nang marinig ko ang mga yabang n’ya palabas ng kwarto ko. And even when she closed the door behind her, I still didn’t move.

I remained lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Ang bilis-bilis ng tibok ng puso ko na pakiramdam ko, sasabog na iyon. I gulped down the emotion I was feeling. But I failed when I felt my eyes warm with unshed tears.

I gritted my teeth. I willed myself to get out of bed. Napatingin ako sa nakasaradong pinto ng kwarto ko. I could hear movements from the outside, plates clanging, and the sounds of the utensils as she put them down on the table. I could smell the scent of the coffee that I knew she prepared for me.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nakayanan ang bumangon. Ang tumayo nang hindi bumibigay ang mga tuhod ko kahit na napakaraming mga emosyon ang bumabaha ngayon sa dibdib ko. It hurts like fucking hell but I didn’t mind. I knew it would hurt more if I found out there was nothing outside if I opened the door of my bedroom.

Slowly, I walked towards the door. I focused on the sounds and the scent coming from the outside. I was praying so hard that it wouldn’t disappear. Sa nanginginig na kamay ay inabot ko ang doorknob at pinihit iyon bago binuksan ang pinto.

The sounds continued. I could still smell the coffee lingering in the air of my entire unit.

Tuluyan na akong lumabas ng kwarto. Nakita ko si Angela. She was busy setting up the table. But as soon as she spotted me, she stopped for a while and smiled at me.

“Lester, halika na! Handa na ang almusal. Kumain na tayo.”

I stayed rooted in my place, drinking in this perfect scenery in front of me. It was such a perfect morning, being awakened by Angela and seeing her face first thing in the morning. And then this. I was afraid to move, or even do something that might ruin everything.

Tumigil sa pagkilos si Angela at tumitig pabalik sa ’kin. A frown formed in her face. Nagtataka na yata na imbes na lumapit ako sa kanya ay parang tanga akong nakatayo lang doon, tinititigan s’ya.

I couldn’t help it. God. I wanted to savor every fucking second of this moment.

“Lester…?” Halata na ang pagkalito sa mukha ni Angela.

I flinched at the name she just called me. Ah… That’s right. Iyon ang pangalang ipinakilala ko sa kanya. I should correct it. Now, that I have the chance.

“That’s not my name,” I said.

Mas lalo lang lumalim ang pagkakakunot ng noo n’ya.

“Ha?”

“That’s not my real name.”

She blinked.

“Eh, ano pala?”

I hesitated. Should I? Should I tell her my real name? Paano kung magalit s’ya dahil nagsinungaling ako sa kanya? Paano kung hindi na n’ya ako kausapin? Paano kung lumayo na s’ya sa ’kin?

“Les—” I stopped myself.

Fuck. I had enough of hearing that name from her.

“Lucius,” I said.

For a while, Angela was just staring at me. Nagulat ko yata. Then she opened her mouth to say something.

“Less Lucius?”

Despite everything, I smiled. Hindi pa rin s’ya nagbabago.

I shook my head. I looked at her straight in the eye.

“Lucius D’Angelo.”

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kanya para makita kung ano’ng magiging reaksyon n’ya. I wanted to see every shift of expression on her face. Kahit ano. Kahit pa ang makita ang galit sa mga mata n’ya dahil sa pagsisinungaling ko.

I only did it as I wanted to spend time with her as a normal person. I didn’t even want to prolong my lies. Pero sa bawat minutong nakakasama ko si Angela, nagsimula na rin akong humiling na sana, na sana nga ay normal na tao na lang ako. Not someone with a very complicated background.

I was waiting for her reaction, bracing myself for her fury. Nakahanda akong tanggapin ’yon dahil alam ko ang kasalanang nagawa ko.

But then, she did the most unexpected thing.

She gave me a smile. A warm and gentle smile.

“Kumain na tayo ng almusal, Lucius…”

Napalunok ako sa pagpipigil ng emosyon. Fuck. Kung hindi ko kasi gagawin ’yon, baka maiyak ako. It was… bittersweet. I was relieved and yet, something was hurting inside my chest.

I took a deep breath. Imbes na umupo ay naglakad ako palapit sa kanya. Nakatingin lang si Angela at naghihintay sa paglapit ko.

When I got near her, I did the thing I was dying to do the first time I opened my eyes that morning. I pulled her in a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight. I was aware that my whole body was trembling. Ibinaon ko ang mukha ko sa buhok n’ya. I inhaled her scent, memorizing the sweet scent of her.

“Huy… Okay ka lang?” narinig kong tanong n’ya. Naramdaman siguro ang panginginig ng katawan ko.

Hindi ako sumagot at hinigpitan lang ang yakap ko sa kanya. Mas ibinaon ko pa ang mukha ko sa buhok n’ya. She hesitated at first but then she hugged me back. Ang mga kamay n’ya ay humahaplos sa likod ko.

“Lucius?”

“Sshh… Just let me hold you for a while.”

“May problema ba?”

Hindi ako nagsalita. Natatakot na baka may mali akong magawa at bawiin sa ’kin ang pagkakataong ’to.

“It feels like you were gone from me for so long,” I said. I could even hear the pain in my voice.

“Bakit naman ako mawawala?” she asked.

“I don’t know… Pakiramdam ko, matagal kitang hindi nakasama. Pakiramdam ko, nawala ka sa ’kin. And it was a fucking torture.”

I took a deep and shaky breath. I was terrified, so fucking scared that if I let her go, mawawala na naman s’ya sa ’kin.

Angela was still caressing my back as if trying to calm me down or soothe me. Hirap na hirap akong pakalmahin ang sarili ko. That hole was still in my chest and I just wanted to hold Angela until it could fill and get complete again.

“Bakit naman ako mawawala?” magaan ang pagtatanong n’ya. Kahit ang boses ay masuyo. And fuck, I love it so much.

I loved how soft she was. I love her scent. I love her long hair. I love how her body feels against mine. I love how she feels like she was something I could hold on to when I’m on the verge of breaking.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Hindi ko s’ya binitiwan. I just want her to stay inside my arms forever.

“Lucius…” Sinubukan n’yang humiwalay sa ’kin pero hindi ko s’ya pinakawalan. “Lucius, tingnan mo muna ko.

Ilang sandali pa mula akong nag-alangan. Ayoko pa rin s’yang bitiwan. But she was persistent, and I would give her anything she wanted.

Bahagya ko s’yang inilayo sa katawan ko at tiningnan. The look in her eyes was so tender and yet it cut deep in my heart.

“Hindi ako mawawala sa ’yo, Lucius…” she said. There was a soft smile on her lips. “Mawala man ako, mananatili naman ako rito,” She gently caressed the side of my head before she placed a hand over my chest just where my heart was. “At dito. Babantayan din kita na parang guardian angel mo. Kaya hinding-hindi ako mawawala.”

I pulled her in my chest again and hugged her tight because I couldn’t help it. I love this woman so damn much.

The words she just said were true. Kahit ano’ng mangyari, hinding-hindi mawawala si Angela sa puso at isip ko. She already has a special place in my heart, in my mind, and in my life.

We ate our breakfast and even when eating, I still couldn’t take my eyes off her. I watched her chew her food, drank her water, pretty much every movement she did. I didn’t want to miss even a single one of them. Ayokong may makaligtaan ako. I just want to treasure every moment I had with her.

“What time will you go to work?” I asked after we ate our breakfast and we were both washing the dishes. Pero hindi ko naman magawa nang maayos dahil hindi ko pa rin talaga maalis ang tingin ko kay Angela. Ilang beses nang muntik mabasag ang platong nahahawakan ko and everytime, she would scold me for it. She looked pissed but I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling and watching her even more.

She looked even more beautiful when she’s pissed. Alam ko kasi na sa sobrang bait n’ya ay bihira lang s’yang magalit. But when she did, she looked like an angel giving her judgement for a sinner like me. Parang handang sabihin na hindi ako makakapasok sa langit dahil ginalit ko s’ya.

“Rest day ko ngayon. Dito lang ako,” she said, rinsing the plates. Ibinigay n’ya sa ’kin ’yon at pinunasan ko naman. She gazed up at me. “Ikaw? Anong oras ang pasok mo?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I’ll take the day off too then,” I said. “I want to spend time with you.”

“Sigurado ka?” There was a worried knot on her forehead. “Hindi mo naman ako kailangang samahan dito. Alam kong marami kang trabaho. May-ari ka ng hotel chain, ’di ba? Marami kang business meetings at interview.”

I smiled.

“You do really know who I am, huh?”

“Oo naman.” She beamed at me as if she was proud to discover something like that. “Hindi mo na kailangan sabihin pa sa ’kin kung sino ka. Isa pa, kahit sino ka pa, kahit ano pa ang pangalan mo… Mamahalin pa rin kita.”

Goddammit. How could some people manage all these emotions? These warm and fuzzy and sweet emotions inside their chest? These strange bittersweet emotions that were good yet at the same time, still making my heart ache?

I tried to gulp it all down but I was having a hard time. I was glad to hear those words from her. I was happy. I longed to hear it again.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko. Na para bang matagal na panahon akong hindi pinagbigyan. That I was deprived of her, of her love, and of the look in her eyes for so long that I was on the verge of dying.

I looked at her. I stared at her as if she would vanish in front of me anytime. Na para bang anumang oras, babawiin na naman s’ya sa ’kin. I tried to stare at her, unblinking for as long as I could because I was so damn afraid that anyone would take away this moment from me.

I was afraid to blink. I tried to memorize everything about her because it felt like it had been so long since the last time that I saw her. I stared at her as if I wouldn’t get another chance again and this was the last time, na para bang naawa sa ’kin ang pagkakataon at pinagbibigyan na lang ako ngayon.

Angela really looked beautiful. She was simple and yet breathtaking. Hinding-hindi ako magsasawang titigan s’ya. I could even do it every day, every hour of my whole life.

“Same here, love…” I said after a while.

“Hmm?” She looked confused. Dahil na rin siguro sa matagal kong pagsagot.

“I will still love you no matter what.”

She smiled and I felt like the world just became clear. As if I had been in the darkness and it was only this time that I managed to see light again. Only with her.

“Hindi ka na talaga papasok?” she asked.

I shook my head.

“Hindi na.”

“Eh, ano’ng gagawin natin ngayon?”

“We’ll spend time together. Here. Ayaw mo ba no’n?”

“Gusto!”

I chuckled at her enthusiasm.

“Alright… We’ll watch movies then. And we’ll just order some delivery food outside so you wouldn’t have to cook and we’ll have more time to spend together.”

She nodded her head, still with all that beautiful smile on her face.

“Sige. Payag ako d’yan.”

Nagpatuloy na kami sa paghuhugas ng mga pinagkainan namin. I was already contented with that. With simple moments like this. With her. Always with her.

Iyon bang isang tingin ko lang, makikita ko agad s’ya, nakangiti sa ’kin. And then I would see love in her eyes. Iyon bang madali ko lang s’yang mayayakap.

And that’s what I did. Pumunta ako sa likod n’ya at niyakap s’ya mula roon, burying my face on her hair, sniffing her scent. Sinubukang umiwas sa ’kin ni Angela pero hindi ko hinayaan.

“Hindi pa ako naliligo, Lucius!”

Goodness… It felt good hearing my name on her lips.

“Hindi pa rin naman ako naliligo,” I said. “Sabay na lang kaya tayo?”

“Tumigil ka nga!” she said pero rinig ko naman ang tawa sa boses n’ya.

I chuckled. I was feeling so damn happy. Too happy that I was afraid. Afraid I couldn’t let go of this anymore when I had to.

Angela took a bath first. Kahit ano’ng pilit ko sa kanyang sabay na lang kaming maligo, ayaw n’ya. She even pretended that she was getting mad at me dahil sa pangungulit ko pero kitang-kita ko naman ang pamumula ng mga pisngi n’ya. And I was torn if I should continue on teasing her and just take this angel’s wrath after just to see that look on her face, or just to let her go and make it up later.

Sa huli, hinayaan ko s’yang maligong mag-isa. I took a bath after her. Pagkatapos ay naupo na kami sa mahabang sofa sa tapat ng malaking TV. I let her choose the movie while I order pizza and popcorn for us.

Pareho kaming nakasandal sa magkabilang armrest ng sofa habang nanonood. I wanted to take her in my arms but then, I wouldn’t be able to see her. I want to watch her more than the movies. She was holding a bowl of popcorn, munching it as her eyes were focused on whatever was playing on the TV. There was also pizza on the coffee table in front of us.

Simula pa lang ng movie ay wala na roon ang atensyon ko. All my focus was on the wonderful woman in front of me. I didn’t want to take my eyes off her.

I love looking at her. I love having this simple moment with her.

If only this could last a lifetime… I’d give everything for that.

“I always love your simplicity,” I blurted out. Hindi ko na napigilan dahil pakiramdam ko, sasabog na ang dibdib ko sa matinding emosyon.

Angela looked startled. Hindi yata inaasahan ang biglaan kong pagsasalita. Tutok na tutok kasi ang atensyon n’ya sa panonood. Nabigla ko pa nga yata s’ya.

“Ano?” she asked. Her mouth was full and filled with popcorn that her cheeks were puffed.

I smiled at her.

“I love your simplicity,” ulit ko. “I love the amusement in your eyes with every little thing you see. I love your innocence. I love how positive you are.”

She was just looking at me. Her mouth was still full of popcorn pero mukhang nakalimutan na yata n’yang ngumuya.

I chuckled. I looked at her in the eye. I gave her a gentle smile.

“I also love your kindness. But it is you that I love the most.”

Her eyes watered. She tried to swallow but she choked on the popcorn still in her mouth. She coughed and tried to recover but she started to cough even more.

Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya at inilahad ang palad ko sa harapan n’ya. She shook her head but coughed hard again.

“It’s okay, love…” I said, gently caressing her back. “Let me take care of you.”

She stared at me. Her eyes watering with either what I said earlier or her still coughing. Nang hindi na makayaanan, iniluwa n’ya sa wakas ang mga popcorn na nasa bibig n’ya sa palad ko. I took some tissue. Ibinalot ko roon ang popcorn na niluwa n’ya bago s’ya binigyan ng tubig. I was caressing her back while she drank the water.

She frowned at me after.

“Kailangan mo ba talagang sabihin ’yon habang punong-puno ng popcorn ang bibig ko?”

I chuckled. I couldn’t help it. Siguro, naiinis na sa ’kin si Angela dahil nagagalit na nga s’ya pero tinatawanan ko lang. I couldn’t take her seriously when she looked so fucking beautiful even when she was mad.

Niyakap ko s’ya at hinaplos ang likod n’ya. Hinayaan n’ya naman ako. I inhaled the scent of her hair before I planted a kiss on top of her head.

“Hindi kaya ako mabait,” I heard her say. Her voice was muffled against my chest.

“Hmm… Really?” I said just to indulge her.

“Oo ’no! Naiinis kaya ako du’n sa isang katrabaho ko na lagi akong inuutusan. Tapos nu’ng bata ako, pinatid ko ’yung isa kong kaklaseng lalaki kasi lagi n’ya kong inaasar noon. Natumba s’ya tapos tumama ’yung noo n’ya sa sahig. Ayun… Nagdugo.”

Malakas akong natawa. I tried to imagine little Angela, looking so pissed with her classmate. I bet she looked cute. And I bet that was why that little boy kept on pissing her off.

Sinubukang humiwalay sa ’kin ni Angela. Nainis na yata kasi tinatawanan ko na naman.

“Kaya mali ka. Hindi ako mabait,” she said with a frown on her face.

I smiled at her. I crouched down so our eyes would level.

“I am completely, implicitly, and unconditionally in love with you, Angela…”

Sinubukan n’ya akong simangutan, hindi pa rin yata nawawala ang inis n’ya kanina pero hindi n’ya naman maitago sa ’kin ang pamumula ng mga pisngi n’ya. And I know, I know she couldn’t get mad at me any longer. Because that is what she was. Mabilis magpatawad.

Kaya hindi na ako nagtaka nang makita s’yang napabuntong-hininga. She looked at me, her eyes watering, but I saw so many emotions in those wonderful eyes as well.

“Mahal na mahal din kita, Lucius…”

I gritted my teeth, trying to stop my emotions from flowing out. Instead, I pulled her and hugged her again. She hugged me back as I buried my face in her hair.

Please… Please, don’t take her back from me soon. Hindi pa ako handa.

Hindi ko pa kaya.

Chapter 18

Angela remained in my arms for a while. The movie that was playing on the TV was long forgotten. Hindi ko rin naman gustong pakawalan si Angela agad. I still wanted to feel her as she settled herself inside my arms. I wanted to bask in her scent and memorized everything about her as If I wouldn’t be able to get another chance again.

I caressed her back as smoothly as I could despite how tight I was holding her. I wanted her to know that the words I’d just said were real and the whole damn truth. That no one else made me feel that way except for her. It was always with her.

I didn’t even realize how powerful the emotions and feelings I had for her. How they could knock all the air inside my lungs and how they seeped right through my bones as if they were the only reason for my existence. As if I was solely existing for her and her only.

I’ve long forgotten how those emotions genuinely feel good yet also terrifying at the same time. I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I have no fucking idea and I was terrified that I might do something wrong.

Yet I didn’t want to lose it. I didn’t want to lose those feelings. As terrifying they might be, it was… refreshing. Na sa kabila ng magulo kong mundo, sa kabila ng lahat ng rahas sa paligid ko, kaya ko pa rin pa lang makaramdam nang ganoong katinding emosyon. Kaya kong magbigay ng ganoon sa isang tao na parang normal ang pamumuhay na meron ako. It was so, so much different from all those things I’ve experienced.

That was why I didn’t want to let Angela go. I didn’t want these feelings to fade. I didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t want to lose the only thing that made me feel normal, the only thing that keeps me going, and the only thing that made me want to live.

I’d want to keep Angela by my side, for as long as fate would let me.

“I fell in love with you the first time I saw you,” I said after a while.

Ramdam ko ang pagkabigla sa ’kin ni Angela bago s’ya humiwalay. I let her go with a promise to myself that I would hold her again later. She was frowning as she looked up at me.

“Do’n sa bus? ’Yung wala kang pamasahe?”

I chuckled.

“For the record, I don’t usually bring cash with me. I often pay with my cards and I rarely ride a bus.”

Pinaningkitan n’ya ako ng mga mata. Mukhang nagdududa pa sa sinabi ko.

“Eh, bakit ka sumakay nu’ng araw na ’yon?”

“I have no choice. A reporter was harassing me. I was caught off guard and the only way that I could escape was to ride that bus.”

“Hmm…” Iyon lang ang naging reaksyon ni Angela. She had still her eyes narrowed at me.

I bit my lower lip as I chuckled. Hindi ako makapaniwalang pinagdududahan n’ya talaga ako!

“I thought you believed me when I said that I’m Lucius D’Angelo?”

She blinked.

“Oo nga.”

“So, you should know na hindi imposibleng mangyari ang mga sinabi ko.”

She protruded her lower lip as she pondered about it. Napatingin tuloy ako sa mga labi n’ya. For a while, I thought of just kissing her senseless. To feel her warm lips against mine. To memorize the taste of her lips.

Why the fuck do I still haven’t done that anyway?

She shrugged.

“Wala lang… Ang galing lang kasi saktong do’n pa talaga sa bus na sinasakyan ko ikaw napunta. Tapos sa akin ka pa talaga tumabi.”

I smiled as I pinched the bridge of her nose. She scrunched her nose when I released it. Nakita ko pa ang bahagyang pamumula ng parteng iyon ng ilong n’ya bago n’ya hinawakan.

“You should thank that reporter,” I said. “Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ako mapapasakay sa bus na ’yon.”

She smiled. Finally.

“Hindi kita ililibre ng pamasahe. Walang gwapong tatabi sa ’kin nu’ng araw na ’yon.”

“And I wouldn’t be able to meet you.”

She giggled. She seemed so happy about that fact. Pero ako, nabawasan ang ngiti ko. Regret started to creep inside my chest.

What if… what if I didn’t ride that bus? Paano kung pinagbigyan ko na lang ang reporter na ’yon na ma-interview ako?

“Buti na lang pala hindi ka tinigilan ng reporter na ’yon,” sabi n’yang ngiting-ngiti pa rin.

While I couldn’t smile anymore. The pain in my chest was getting stronger.

“Masaya ka pa rin na nangyari ’yon?” I asked.

“Oo naman!” She was beaming at me. “Kasi, ’di ba, ’yung sunod na pagkikita ulit natin, wala kang pambayad ng damit?”

“I told you I don’t usually bring cash with me,” I said defensively pero nagpatuloy lang si Angela.

“Hindi naman kita lalapitan no’n kung hindi kita namukhaan,” she said. “Hindi kita makilala kung sakali.”

I wet my lips.

“You still glad you’ve met me after…” I couldn’t say the words. “After what happened to you?”

I was scared to look her in the eye after what I asked her. Natakot akong makita o mabasa ang kung ano’ng iniisip n’ya bago pa man n’ya sagutin ang tanong ko. Hell, I didn’t even want to ask that question.

But I know I have to. I know that one day, I have to hear the answer. I have to hear it directly from her.

So, despite my fear, despite the trembling of my hands, I willed myself to look her in the eye. Because I know I don’t have much time. At gusto ko, sa huling pagkakataon na binigay sa ’kin, gusto kong sulitin ang bawat oras at bawat minutong kasama ko s’ya. I want to look at her every time with all the time we have left

Because I know… I know that this will be my last chance.

All the things I expected to see in her eyes weren’t the ones I was seeing in her right now. There was so much love in her eyes that it actually caught me off-guard. There was also gentleness in her eyes and a soft smile playing on her lips.

Napatitig na lang ako sa kanya dahil wala akong masabi. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito ang magiging reaksyon n’ya. I was expecting to see regret, pain, and anger in her eyes. Not anything like this.

“Oo naman… Masaya akong nakilala kita. ’Yung bawat oras na magkasama tayo? Iyon ’yung pinakamasasayang oras sa buhay ko.” Her lips trembled as her eyes watered but the smile on her lips was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. “Masaya akong minahal kita, Lucius…”

It felt as if a heavy burden had been lifted off my chest. I needed to hear those words. I badly needed to hear those words from her. Kasi alam kong s’ya lang ang makakapag-alis ng bigat sa dibdib ko. Because no matter how much I tried to tell myself about it, it was futile as it didn’t come from her.

Kaya hirap na hirap akong paniwalaan ang mga salitang ’yon noon. As it wasn’t hers who said those words. I needed to hear it from her as much as I needed her in my life.

But I have to accept that this would be the last time I would be able to spend time with her. I know. I have to accept that after this, after this whatever’s happening right now, there was a world out there where Angela doesn’t exist.

“Masaya ka pa ring nakilala mo ako kahit na ikinapahamak mo ’yan?” I asked. The pain in my chest was unbearable now that I just wanted to wail like a child in her arms.

But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. This wasn’t the time for that. Saka na lang. Pagkatapos nito. I didn’t want her to think that I’m hurting right now. That I’ve been hurting and have been suffering ever since she was gone.

She held my hands. Her hands were warm. Napatitig ako roon dahil naalala ko ’yung oras na hawak ko s’ya. I remember how her body felt cold against mine. How her body slowly became rigid as life left her permanently.

“Kailanman hindi ko ikinapahamak ang pagmamahal mo, Lucius… Pinasaya mo pa nga ako. At nagpapasalamat ako sa ’yo sa pagmamahal na ibinigay at pinaramdam mo sa ’kin. Napakaswerte ko na ako ang babaeng minahal ng isang Lucius D’Angelo.”

I pursed my lips, stopping all my emotions, stopping the waterworks from blurring my eyes. I wanted to see her clearly. I didn’t want to waste this chance. I didn’t want to waste any second of this moment.

“Kung hindi mo ako nakilala, hindi ka sana mapapahamak.”

Angela shook her head. Mas humigpit ang pagkakakapit n’ya sa mga kamay ko. Hindi n’ya inalis ang tingin sa mga mata ko habang nagsasalita s’ya.

“May mga bagay na hindi natin kontrolado. May mga pangyayaring hindi natin mapipigilan. Ganoon ang mundo. Ganoon ang buhay. May mga taong mawawala sa ’tin kahit gaano pa natin kagustong manatili sila sa buhay natin nang matagal.” She smiled at me. “Pero, Lucius, hindi mo kasalanan kung hindi mo man na-control o napigilan ang mga pangyayaring ’yon. Hindi mo kailangang pahirapan ang sarili mo. Wala kang kasalanan. Hindi kita sinisisi sa nangyari sa ’kin. Walang sumisisi sa ’yo. Kaya kailangan mo nang patawarin ang sarili mo.”

“How?” my voice trembled. “I couldn’t even protect you.”

“Lucius… Minahal mo ako. Sobra-sobra na ’yon. At alam mo? Kahit bigyan pa ako ng isang pagkakataon na baguhin ang lahat, pipiliin ko pa rin ang mahalin at ang makasama ka.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I couldn’t speak. I don’t want to speak. I want to hear her talk. I want to hear her voice. I want to hear her say the words I’ve longed to hear.

“Sana ’wag mong pagsisihan ang mga nangyari sa ’tin,” she continued. “Kasi hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang lahat ng ’yon. Iyon ang pinakamagandang bagay na nangyari sa buhay ko. Ang makilala ka, ang makasama ka at ang mahalin ka.”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. I didn’t care to wipe the tears flowing down my eyes. I held her hands tightly as if she’d vanish after saying those words.

Konti pa… Konting oras pa. Pagkatapos nito, ako na mismo ang bibitiw.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Angela.”

She smiled at me. Umangat ang isang kamay n’ya at pinunasan ang luha sa mga pisngi ko.

“I’m sorry din kung naghirap ka dahil sa nangyari. I’m sorry kung nasaktan ka nang mahabang panahon dahil doon. Pero, tama na, Lucius, ha?” she said with such gentleness in her voice. “Tama na ang pagpapahirap mo sa sarili mo. Pakawalan mo na ang sakit. Hayaan mo namang maging masaya ka.”

I shook my head.

“I can’t. How can I be happy when you’re not with me anymore?”

“You can… Kaya mo. Ikaw pa ba? Kahit na madalas wala kang pera—”

“I told you I don’t usually bring cash with me.”

“—alam kong magiging okay ka. Kasi babantayan kita. Sabi ko naman sa ’yo, ’di ba? Ako ang magiging guardian angel mo,” she continued. “Oras na para iwanan mo na ang sakit. Para iwanan mo na ang nakaraan. Para iwanan mo na ang sakit ng nakaraan. Oras na para humakbang ka pasulong sa mga bagay na nakaabang at nakalaan para sa ’yo. At sa bawat paghakbang mo, Lucius… Nandoon ako. Nakabantay sa ’yo. Sinusuportahan ka.”

I held both of her hands. Dinala ko iyon sa mga labi ko. I kissed her hands for so long and she just let me. I wanted to feel her warmth. I wanted to know that she was with me. That she will still be with me.

And I know that I’m the only one who can do that. Who can believe that. Alam ko kasi hinding-hindi s’ya mawawala sa puso at isip ko. Her memories will always be a part of me. Angela will always be a part of me.

My guardian angel… My innocent and sweet Angela…

“I love you so much, Angela,” I said through the knuckles of her hands.

She smiled widely at me.

“Mahal na mahal din kita, Lucius. Kaya nga gusto kong maging masaya ka. Gusto kong patawarin mo na ang sarili mo. Gusto kong maging maayos ka na.”

I reached for her face. Lumapat ang kamay ko sa gilid ng leeg n’ya. I brushed her soft cheek with my thumb and I almost found peace when she leaned on my palm more.

“You’re always kind. You were always kind since the first time I saw you,” I said. “You were helping an old man cross the street. Tapos nakikita kong naiinis ka sa mga bumubusina sa inyo.”

She blinked. Nakita ko ang pagkunot ng noo n’ya.

“Sabi ko sa ’yo naiinis din ako kaya hindi ako mabait,” she said. “Pero teka, nangyari ’yan? Hindi ko maalala.”

I chuckled.

“I doubt you do. Kasi normal na sa ’yo ang pagtulong. Maliit na bagay para sa ’yo ’yon kaya hindi mo maalala pero para sa mga taong natulungan mo, malaking bagay ’yon,” I said. “Just like how you helped me pay with my fare, my clothes, and you even helped find a job.”

“Ay, naaalala ko ’yung sa ’yo. Ang pogi mo kasi.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Then I stared at her as a warm smile played on my lips.

“Kaya mas lalo kitang minahal. You were the gentleness in this cruel world. You brought light to the darkness. You were the beauty in every ugliness. You were the hope in this unforgivable world.” I took a deep breath. “Kaya nang mawala ka, pakiramdam ko, nawala na rin ang mga magagandang bagay sa mundong ’to.”

I remember how my life became easier when Angela was around. How she made me feel so happy. How she made me feel that despite this harsh world, I would still be able to find happiness. I would still be able to have a normal life. I will still be able to find a chance.

And when she left, when she died, it was as if I couldn’t see light anymore. It was as if living became more painful. It was so hard to breathe.

“It was so sudden,” I said. “I wasn’t able to step forward. Ni hindi man lang ako nakapagpaalam sa ’yo. You know I was even supposed to propose on your birthday. Ang sabi ko, babawi ako sa ’yo, kasi binigay mo sa ’kin ang lahat ng mga bagay na hindi ko alam na kailangan ko pala. But I wasn’t given the chance to make it up to you.”

Mariin na umiling si Angela.

“Lucius, sa pagmamahal mo, bawing-bawi ka na. Sobra-sobra pa nga ’yon.”

I smiled painfully at her. But then, I promised myself, and I promised her, that this would be the last time I would ever look at her with pain in my chest.

“Thank you…” I said. “Thank you for everything. For loving me. For being you. For being with me. For choosing to love me.”

She smiled but her eyes watered. Pero kitang-kita ko naman ang walang hanggang pagmamahal sa mga mata n’ya. The very thing I longed to see in her eyes again.

“Maraming salamat din, Lucius… Sa pagmamahal mo. Sa lahat-lahat.” Tears fell from her eyes but the smile on her lips was uncomparable to any beautiful things in this world. “’Wag mo sanang kalilimutang hindi ka nag-iisa. May mga taong handang tumulong sa ’yo. May mga taong nagmamahal sa ’yo. Hindi lang ako, okay?”

I nodded. I cupped her face. I kissed her on her forehead bago ko pinagdikit ang mga noo namin.

“You’ll be gone after this, right?” I said. My voice trembled at ramdam ko rin ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko.

She nodded. She was crying even more and I felt tears fall from my eyes again.

“Sana, kung totoo ang pangalawang buhay, magtagpo ulit tayo roon,” she said. “At sana sa pagkakataong ’yon, matagal na tayong magkasama. Sana sa pagkakataong ’yon, mahaba na ang oras para magmahalan tayo. Mahaba na ang oras na ipagkakaloob sa ’tin. ’Yung magkasama tayong tatanda. Magkasamang puputi ang mga buhok natin. Sana mas mahaba ’yung oras na maging masaya tayo roon kaysa sa sakit. Sana magkasama tayong maging masaya hanggang sa huling araw na ipagkakaloob sa ’ting dalawa.”

I was wiping her tears as she was crying hard but there was a smile on her lips. There was a beautiful smile on her lips that I couldn’t help but smile as well despite the tears flowing down my eyes.

“I long for that life too, Angela.”

She chuckled. She cupped my face and pressed her lips against mine. I closed my eyes, feeling her warmth one last time.

“You have to let me go now, Lucius…”

A painful sob escaped from my lips. I closed my eyes. Angela was holding my face as I cried the pain away.

“Please let me go, Lucius…”

At kahit na masakit, kahit na gusto ko pang humiling ng marami pang oras para makasama s’ya, I know that this time will eventually come. Alam ko naman, simula nang imulat ko pa lang ang mga mata ko kanina.

Fighting the pain in my chest, I nodded. I opened my eyes and looked her in the eye.

“Okay.”

She smiled at me.

“Hayaan mong maging masaya ang sarili mo, okay?”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“Patawarin mo na ang sarili mo, ha?”

I swallowed before I nodded again.

“Okay.”

“Magdala ka na rin ng cash mula ngayon.”

Despite everything, I chuckled.

“Okay.”

She gave me one last smile.

“Mahal na mahal kita, Lucius.”

I smiled at her.

“Mahal na mahal din kita, Angela…”

“Magiging okay ka. Pangako ’yan.”

She closed her eyes and I closed mine as well. I felt her warm lips against mine for the last time.

“Maraming salamat sa lahat,” she whispered.

And as her voice slowly faded, I heard her say something for the last time.

“Paalam, Lucius…”

I felt something pull me, like a force. Pero hindi ko idinilat ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko iyon nilabanan at nagpahila lang ako.

“Goodbye, Angela.”

It was dark but I could hear some beeping in the background. The first thing that registered on me was the smell of antiseptic. Amoy gamot. Sinubukan kong imulat ang mga mata ko. Nahirapan pa nga ako kaya dahan-dahan kong ginawa iyon.

I groaned when the light blinded me. My eyes hurt but after countless of blinking, my eyes finally adjusted. The white ceiling welcomed me.

“Kuya Lucius?”

I looked to where that voice came from. Halos mapamura pa ako sa sobrang sakit ng katawan ko sa kaunting pagkilos na ’yon. Nakita ko si Gray na nakatayo hindi kalayuan sa kinahihigaan ko. Beside him was Rey, who looked at him before her eyes settled on mine. Rey’s eyes widened for a bit.

“Tatawagin ko lang ang doctor,” she said then went out of the room.

Mabilis na lumapit sa ’kin si Gray. Nakita ko ang pamamasa ng mga mata n’ya. But he was smiling down at me.

“Welcome back, King Aius.”

Chapter 19

I was disoriented for a long while. I couldn’t understand what was happening even after the doctor checked in on me. I knew he explained everything to me pero wala sa kahit anong sinabi n’ya ang tumino sa isip ko. I even thought I was still dreaming if I didn’t feel the pain all over my body.

Hindi umalis sina Rey at Gray sa tabi ko. They were there the whole time the doctor was talking to me. Siniguro rin nilang maayos na nga ang kalagayan ko. Sa kanila na rin nagbilin ang doctor as it was clear that I still haven’t grasp everything that happened.

I looked at my body. I was wearing a hospital gown. The bed was adjusted so I was somehow in a sitting position while my back was still on the bed. Mas ramdam ko ang sakit sa kanang braso at binti ko. I was sure that the doctor said my arm and leg were in a cast while I was sleeping and it just healed over time so they removed it. But it just confused me even more.

If my leg and arm were cast, it just meant I had fractured bones. They seemed okay now although I could still feel some pain but it was bearable. Ibig sabihin, gumaling na ang mga bali kong buto.

How long was I out then? The doctor mentioned it, I was sure of that. Pero sa dami ng sinabi n’ya, hindi pumasok sa isip ko ang lahat. I was surprised to wake up in a hospital. I couldn’t remember what happened before that.

I looked at the two people inside my room. Nakalabas na ang doctor. Rey was sitting on the couch on the right side of my hospital bed, just against the wall. While Gray was standing and talking on the phone. Hindi rin nagtagal ay ibinaba na n’ya ang tawag at tumingin sa ’kin.

“Sinabi ko kay Kuya na nagising ka na. He was glad to hear that you’re finally awake,” he said as he approached me. Tumayo s’ya sa gilid ng kama. “How are you feeling, Kuya Lucius? Pinag-alala mo kaming lahat.”

I blinked. I stared at Gray, still trying to grasp the fact that he was here in front of me. With Rey. The last time I saw him was when he was at the airport. Umalis s’ya para magpagaling. Hunter and Artemis went with him although Hunter was still visiting the gang from time to time. Para na rin ibalita ang kalagayan ni Gray.

And now, Gray was here. Which means he was finally okay.

Kung ganoon… ibig sabihin matagal akong nakatulog? What the hell happened?

“Si Kuya na ang magsasabi sa iba na gising ka na,” Gray said when I didn’t answer. “Alam kong gugustuhin nila agad na pumunta rito pero bahala na si Kuyang pumigil sa kanila. You still need to rest, Kuya Lucius. Alam kong nalilito ka pa sa mga nangyari at hindi makakabuti kung may magugulo sa paligid mo.”

“Hell, yeah. I am so fucking confused right now,” I couldn’t help but say.

Napatingin ako kay Rey na tahimik lang na nakaupo sa couch at hinahayaan si Gray na sabihin sa ’kin ang lahat. I stared at her. I knew she and Gray had parted ways before Gray received his medication. Does it mean they’re together now?

“What the fuck happened, Gray?” tanong kong ibinalik ang tingin kay Gray. I knew he could see the confusion on my face. “It seemed like I have missed so much in life.”

Gray wet his lips. He took a deep breath. Nilingon n’ya muna saglit si Rey na tinanguan lang s’ya, encouraging him to continue what he was about to say. Ibinalik ni Gray ang tingin sa ’kin at tinitigan ako sa mga mata.

“You were in a coma for almost six months, Kuya Lucius…”

I just kept my eyes on Gray. I know he said something pero hindi iyon tumino sa isip ko. I think I couldn’t understand what he just said or my brain just refused to understand it. Did he talk in another language? I wasn’t sure. Fuck, I didn’t even know how to react or what to say as he just said something so ridiculous. I think I was even waiting for him to tell me that he was just kidding. And it was a fucking bad joke.

Napalunok ako. Nakainom na ako ng tubig kanina pero pakiramdam ko ay nanunuyo na naman ang lalamunan mo. But I didn’t move to reach for the glass of water on my bedside cabinet. I was shocked.

“You’re kidding me,” I said. Tangina, iyon lang ang kaya kong sabihin matapos ng narinig ko.

But Gray shook his head. He looked so serious for it to be just a fucking joke.

“Hindi, Kuya… Seryoso ako,” sabi n’ya kahit nakikita ko na iyon sa mukha n’ya. “Halos anim na buwan kang walang malay. Last month ko lang nabalitaan ang tungkol sa nangyari sa ’yo. Kaya bumalik ako kaagad dito.”

I looked at Rey. Tumayo s’ya at naglakad sa tabi ni Gray na mabilis namang hinapit s’ya sa bewang at hinila palapit. It seemed like it was a normal thing for them. As if Gray couldn’t take it if they have even a bit of distance between them.

“Sumama na ako pabalik kay Gray,” she said and I always wondered how calm her voice was. Parang hindi kayang magtaas ng boses. Parang hindi kayang magalit. “Gusto kong malaman ang kalagayan mo.”

I looked at the two of them. Pareho silang nasa harap ko ngayon. Ibig sabihin, ayos na sila. Maayos na si Gray.

“I’m sorry if I somehow disturbed your time together,” I said. Nakita kong may sasabihin sana si Rey, tatanggi yata sa sinabi ko, pero naunahan s’ya ni Gray.

“Okay lang, Kuya,” he said. His eyes had that certain glint. “Babawi na lang kami sa honeymoon.”

Rey’s eyes widened at that. Mabilis s’yang napalingon kay Gray. She saw the smirk on his lips kaya mabilis na hinampas ang balikat ni Gray.

“Ano’ng pinagsasabi mo d’yan?” nag-eeskandalo n’yang tanong. Pulang-pula pa ang mukha.

I was just watching them. Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa kanila.

“Ikakasal na kayo?” I asked. I think I really did miss so much in life. It seemed like a lot had happened already and I didn’t even know about it.

Pareho silang napatingin sa ’kin. Pareho ring namula ang mga mukha. Natawa ako lalo na nang ibinaon ni Gray ang mukha sa leeg ni Rey, parang nahihiya pa. Rey chuckled as she looked at me.

“Hindi naman kami nagmamadali,” she said. “Bumabawi pa kami sa mga oras na nagkalayo kami.”

I just looked at them. Si Gray ay pumwesto na talaga sa likuran ni Rey. His arms were around her waist. His face was still buried in her neck.

I smiled. I somehow managed to calm down as I watched them.

“That’s good to hear…”

It really was. Nag-aalala rin ako kay Gray noon. I was wishing for his happiness. He had been through so much. He deserves to find happiness. With Rey. I was worried when I found out that they chose to part ways.

Pero mukhang masaya na ang dalawa ngayon. I was happy for them. Nahanap na rin ng bunso ng EL Ordre ang kaligayahan n’ya. Gray looked so much better now. Happiness filled his eyes. And I knew, I knew he would be okay. Especially when Rey’s with him.

“Okay ka na ba talaga, Lucius?” Rey asked. Nakatayo na ulit si Gray sa tabi n’ya pero ang isang braso ay nasa bewang pa rin. “Ano’ng nararamdaman mo?”

“I’m okay,” I said. Pinakiramdaman ko saglit ang sarili ko. “Except my body’s in pain.” I frowned at them. “What the hell happened, anyway? How did I end up in this hospital? I couldn’t remember what happened.”

“It’s normal,” Rey said. Her tone was the same as when the doctor was talking to me earlier. “You suffered a head trauma. Naaksidente ka habang nasa motor.”

“What?” Mas lalo yatang nangunot ang noo ko. “How?”

“The doctor assumed you fainted while you were driving. Your MRI scan shows that you were under a lot of stress. They also assumed na madalas daw sumakit ang ulo mo?”

Ilang sandali bago ako tumango. Naalala ko ’yon. Madalas ngang sumakit ang ulo ko. I was even considering taking some time off from work.

“Yeah…”

Rey nodded.

“Iyon nga ang sabi ng doctor. Iyon din naman ang nagpapakita sa mga lab result mo. You were in a coma for almost six months. The doctor said you were passed the critical condition pero hindi naman masabi kung kailan ka magigising. Nag-alala kami kasi ang tagal mong magising. Pero hindi naman kami nawalan ng pag-asa.”

“Pinakaba mo talaga kami, Kuya Lucius,” Gray said and I even saw worry in his eyes. “But we all know that you’re a fighter. Alam naming magigising ka kahit gaano pa katagal.”

Hindi kaagad ako nakapagsalita. It was all too much. I didn’t know if it was because of the accident but my brain somehow was slow to understand everything that happened. Kahit na maayos na ipinaliwanag sa ’kin ang nangyari, nahihirapan pa rin akong unawain ang lahat.

Hindi ko maisip na maaaksidente ako sa motor. I’ve been riding my big bike for so long that it already felt like it was part of my body while I was driving it. I was an expert. Hindi man lang sumagi sa isip ko na isang araw, iyon pa ang ikapapahamak ko. To think that I was doing dangerous mission while I was in EL Ordre!

“Hindi ka kasi nagpapahinga, Kuya!” biglang sabi ni Gray na may inis pa sa boses kaya napatingin agad ako sa kanya. He was even frowning and it was obvious that he was pissed. “Kailangan ’yon ng katawan mo. Kung hindi ka magpapahinga kahit sobra na ang pagod mo, your body and your brain will beg you for it. Tingnan mo tuloy ang nangyari!”

Napakurap ako. Pinapagalitan ba ako ni Gray?

Mukha nga… Ang tindi pa ng pagkakasimangot n’ya.

Napatingin pa ako kay Rey dahil hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang sitwasyon. But she was also looking at Gray. She looked surprised for a bit before she crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Mabuti naman at mukhang natuto ka based sa experience mo noon.”

Natahimik si Gray. Bahagya pang napangiwi. He looked guilty as he removed his arm from Rey’s waist. Napakamot na lang sa batok.

I didn’t know what was going on but I couldn’t help laughing. They looked good together. Alam kong pasaway si Gray. Madalas kasing ireklamo iyon ni Hunter noon. Hindi raw s’ya sinusunod ng kapatid n’ya. Pero mukhang hindi iyon problema kay Rey ngayon.

They’re perfect for each other. I’m glad…

“Kailangan mo ng pahinga, Lucius,” sabi ni Rey nang tumingin na sa ’kin. “I suggest taking a vacation for six months. Or much better, for a year.”

“Ang habang pahinga naman n’yan,” I said.

Pinagtaasan n’ya ako ng kilay.

“Hindi pa ba lesson learned ang nangyari sa ’yo ngayon? Kailangan mo ng pahinga.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi ako nakaangal. Napatingin pa ako kay Gray na nakangiwi sa ’kin habang tumatango. Parang sinasabing pumayag na lang ako sa sinabi ni Rey.

I sighed before nodding. Mukha kasing may hindi magandang mangyayari kapag tumanggi pa ako.

Well… what just happened proved that I really need to rest. I need some time off. I knew about it. I’m aware. There were signs that I was already exhausted but I was just ignoring it.

Pero sinadya ko naman iyon. Sinadya kong magpakapagod. I was busying myself, working myself to death. I needed the distraction so my mind wouldn’t drift on that memory. That particular memory haunted me.

The memory of Angela.

Natigilan ako. Kinabahan. Bigla akong nanlamig.

I remember it. I remember the dream.

Hindi ako nakagalaw. I was confused. For a moment, I wasn’t sure if it was even a dream. Para kasing totoong-totoo iyon. Parang nangyari talaga.

It was so different from those usual dreams of hers that I had before. Nasanay ako sa bangungot na gabi-gabi akong dinadalaw noon. The dream where Angela was wearing a white dress, full of blood, fury was in her eyes as she looked at me, blaming me for what happened to her. Nasanay ako na ganoon palagi ang itsura ni Angela sa panaginip ko.

But this one… This one was different.

Angela looked… Angela. The woman I fell in love with. The woman that I still loved. The woman that owns my heart.

She was smiling in that dream. Instead of fury, I saw love in her eyes. Like how I remembered when she was still alive.

I remembered the words she said to me. I remembered her warmth, her scent, and the softness of her lips.

Hindi ko alam kung paano nangyari iyon. It was just a dream, right? So how could I even feel those things?

Unless… Unless it wasn’t.

Unless it was really Angela who was talking to me. Unless I really did see her. Unless I really did spend time with her. One last time.

I looked at Rey. She’s a psychologist. Maybe she could explain it to me. It was ridiculous but… Maybe…

Maybe it was real.

“Rey… Can I talk to you?” I asked.

Mabilis s’yang tumango.

“Oo naman.”

Pero nanatili lang na nandoon si Gray. Mukhang gusto pa ngang makinig sa sasabihin ko at ayaw umalis ng kwarto.

I looked at him.

“Gray.”

“Yes po, Kuya?”

I smiled at him.

“Can you leave us? I want to talk to her.”

Nakita ko agad ang pag-angal sa mukha n’ya. He looked worried for some reason.

“Ha? Teka, Kuya…”

“She’s a psychologist, right? May itatanong lang ako.”

Pero mukhang ayaw pa ring umalis ni Gray.

“Eh… Baka siraan mo ’ko.”

I chuckled. I couldn’t help it. Nakita ko rin na napangiti si Rey.

“Mukhang alam na rin naman ni Rey ang lahat ng mga kalokohan mo noon,” I said.

“Mabait kaya ako!” reklamo ni Gray.

“Hindi ganoon ang kwento ni Hunter. May nabanggit din si Kylo.”

He frowned. Maya-maya ay marahas na napabuntong-hininga.

“Sabi ko kay Kuya Kylo ’wag s’yang maingay, eh! Saka si Zeno ’yung dahilan kaya madalas akong napapa-guidance noon!”

Rey looked at him.

“Madalas kang naga-guidance noon?”

Gray looked horrified as he stared at Rey. Mukhang ayaw n’yang may makaalam noon. Lalong-lalo na si Rey.

Malakas akong natawa pero napatigil din nang sumakit ang tagiliran ko.

“O, ikaw ang naninira sa sarili mo, ha?” natatawa ko pang sabi.

Gray frowned. Lukot na lukot ang mukha n’ya at mukhang sising-sisi sa mga sinabi. I was happy seeing him like this. Hindi matanggal ang ngiti sa mga labi ko.

Rey reached for his face. Masuyo n’yang hinaplos ang pisngi ni Gray. From where I was, I could clearly see the love and adoration in her eyes.

“Okay lang, Gray… Hinding-hindi mababawasan ang pagmamahal ko sa ’yo. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

Gray bit the insides of his cheeks. It was obvious he was preventing his smile pero hindi na rin napigilan. Malawak s’yang napangiti.

“Okay. Nasa labas lang ako,” he said. He looked at me and I just nodded at him before he finally went out of the room.

Umupo si Rey sa upuan na nasa gilid ng kama. She looked at me, ready to hear what I was going to say.

I always admired how the air around her seemed… comfortable. Isang tingin pa lang kay Rey, parang ang dali n’yang kausapin. As if she was someone who’s easy to talk to and whatever I would say to her, she wouldn’t judge me for it. Na para bang susubukan n’yang intindihin ang mga sasabihin ko.

I didn’t know if it was because of her profession or if she was just like that. Although I could still see the depth in her eyes. But there was no prejudice in them. She was someone with wide understanding. Someone that Gray needed.

I liked her eyes. I liked the air around her. Magaan sa pakiramdam. Kaya rin hindi na ako nagdalawang-isip na kausapin s’ya ngayon.

“There’s something I couldn’t understand,” I started. “I was hoping you can tell me about it. Or at least give me an explanation. Pero kung wala kang maibibigay, okay lang. I was just trying my luck since you’re a psychologist.”

She nodded. She was patiently waiting for me to tell her about it. Walang pagmamadali sa itsura n’ya. Hindi namimilit. Na para bang maiintindihan n’ya kahit abutin pa kami ng gabi roon dahil nahihirapan akong magkwento.

I smiled inwardly. Gray found a good woman.

“Take your time,” sabi pa n’ya.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Pinag-isipan kung saan magsisimula.

“I had a dream,” I said but shook my head after. “Or at least I thought it was a dream. I’m not sure… It felt real but then it didn’t.”

“Matagal na ba ’tong panaginip mo?”

Umiling ako.

“Itong sinasabi ko, I think it happened while I was in coma. Pero may mga panaginip din ako noon, masamang panaginip na gabi-gabi akong dinadalaw sa pagtulog ko. But this one… it was the same but different.”

I knew I was talking nonsense. Hindi ko nga rin maintindihan ang sinasabi ko. Pero si Rey ay nakatingin lang sa ’kin. I knew she was confused. Maiintindihan ko kung mainis man s’ya kasi ang gulo naman talaga ng sinasabi ko. But there was still patience and understanding in her eyes. Hindi ko maiwasang humanga sa kanya dahil doon.

“It was a dream where Angela was in it,” I said. “But she’s already dead. A long, long time ago.”

“Nakausap mo s’ya?” magaan ang boses na tanong ni Rey.

I nodded.

“But before that, my usual dreams of hers were that she was always mad at me. Livid even. She was blaming me for what happened to her. For her death.” I paused. “Pero nitong huli, Angela was… smiling. She was her usual self when she was still alive.”

“Sinisisi ka pa rin ba n’ya sa pagkamatay n’ya sa panaginip na ’yon?”

Umiling ako.

“No… She told me things. Ang sabi n’ya, hindi ko kasalanan ang pagkamatay n’ya. Na dapat ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko. It was… It was so much different from before. And it felt real… I could feel her in that dream.” Napatingin ako sa mga kamay ko. “Hanggang ngayon, ramdam ko pa rin ang pakiramdam nang hawakan ko s’ya.”

“Kailan ’yung panaginip na ’to?”

“While I was in a coma, I think.” I looked at her. “Kaya nga hindi ko alam kung totoo ang nangyari o hindi. But Angela is dead. It would be ridiculous if it’s real.”

Rey pursed her lips. She was in deep thought, I could tell. I looked helplessly at her.

“I… I was confused. It was the first time that I had a… dream like that. Pero sa palagay ko rin, iyon na ang huling pagkakataon na mananaginip ako ng ganoon. Kung panaginip man nga iyon.”

I didn’t know if I wanted it to be real or just a dream. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng mas gusto kong paniwalaan. Alam kong marami pa akong kailangang isipin. I was in an accident and in a coma for almost six months. Pero mas gusto kong maliwanagan sa naging panaginip ko.

I looked at Rey. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng meron sa mukha ko. Maybe I looked lost and helpless. But Rey gave me a gentle smile.

“Ang totoo, Lucius, kung tungkol sa dream ang pinag-uusapan, kung tungkol sa dream interpretation, walang konkretong sagot doon. There are only theories and approaches regarding dreams. Mga perspective. Depende sa tao,” she said. “Hindi kita mabibigyan ng solidong sagot pero susubukan kong bigyan ng explanation ang sa ’yo. Dalawang explanation. Based on my studies and based on my own perspective.”

I nodded. Looking at Rey, I now understand why Gray fell deeply in love with her.

“Based on Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, dreams were a manifestation of deepest anxiety and deepest desires. Nakatali raw ang dreams natin sa mga nakatagong childhood fixations and memories. His theory was that dreams were essentially unconscious. ’Yung mga bagay na nakatago sa isip natin at hindi lang tayo aware. Na subconscious natin ’yon.”

I was just listening intently to her, trying to understand everything she was saying. She explained it so well. Na kahit pa magulo ang isip ko ngayon, nagagawa kong intindihin ang lahat.

“I could only interpret your dreams that you had before, ’yung sabi mong sinisisi ka ni Angela sa nangyari sa kanya, sa pagkamatay n’ya, as how you view yourself after what happened to her. Pwede mo bang sabihin sa ’kin kung paano mo natanggap ang pagkamatay ni Angela?”

“I…” I gulped. “I couldn’t accept it. Hindi ko matanggap na ganoon lang s’yang kabilis na nawala. Na namatay s’ya nang ganoon lang.”

Rey nodded.

“May iniisip ka bang dahilan kung bakit s’ya namatay?”

“It was because of me. She died because of me. Because I couldn’t protect her. Iniisip ko na kung hindi n’ya sana ako nakilala, hindi sana s’ya mamamatay.”

I knew Rey could understand where I was coming from. I knew she knew the reason why I was thinking like that. She knew about the game. She knew how dangerous it was.

That was why I wasn’t surprised when I saw gentleness in her eyes when she nodded. There was so much understanding in them. Pero sa tingin ko, kahit hindi n’ya alam ang tungkol sa laro, ganito pa rin ang magiging reaksyon n’ya.

“That’s it then. It was your guilt. Alam mo bang may approach din na ganoon regarding sa dream interpretation? That dead people in dreams is the representation of your guilt. Na maraming kang regrets. Marami kang mga bagay na ginusto mong gawin pero hindi mo nagawa. Marami kang pinagsisisihan.” She smiled. “Pero tanggap mo, hindi ba? Unti-unti mo nang natatanggap ang nangyari. Unti-unti mo nang pinapakawalan ang guilt mo.”

“That’s why I dreamt the last one,” I said.

Tumango si Reyziel. Hindi n’ya inalis ang tingin sa akin.

I fell into a deep thought. Tama naman. Bago ang huling panaginip na ’yon, sinusubukan ko nang tanggapin ang mga nangyari. Sinusubukan ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko. Kahit mahirap. Kasi ayokong maging isang masamang alaala lang si Angela. I wanted to remember how she was when she was still alive. I wanted that to be ny memories of her. Not that someone with so much anger. Because I knew it wasn’t her.

I wanted to remember Angela being Angela. Kaya rin siguro ganoon na nga s’ya sa huling panaginip ko.

I looked at Rey. She was waiting patiently. Waiting for me to understand everything.

“I understand now…” I said.

Napangiti s’ya.

“Gusto mo pa bang marinig ang sarili kong explanation? ’Yung hindi based sa napag-aralan ko?”

Seeing her smile, I nodded. Mas lalong lumawak at naging magaan ang ngiti n’ya.

“Dreaming of dead people is visitation dreams. Hindi logical dahil sa profession na meron ako, pero naniniwala roon. Naniniwala ako sa afterlife. Kaya naniniwala rin ako na minsan, binibisita nga tayo ng mga mahal natin sa buhay na namatay na sa mga panaginip natin.”

“Then my dreams before—”

Mabilis na umiling si Rey.

“Sa panaginip mong iyon, ’yung dati, sasang-ayon ako sa theory ni Freud at sa approach na representation ng guilt and dissatisfaction ang dream mo. Napanaginipan mo ’yun kasi sinisisi mo ang sarili mo sa nangyari. Kasi pinagsisisihan mo ang nangyari. Kasi hindi mo mapatawad ang sarili mo. Pero kanina, nabanggit mo sa ’kin na ’yung huling panaginip mo ay kung paano si Angela noong nabubuhay s’ya. Ibig sabihin, ’yung mga nauna mong panaginip, hindi si Angela. But it was her that was in your last dream.”

Napatitig ako sa kanya. Iniintindi ang mga sinabi n’ya.

“You believed that Angela visited me in my last dream? That it was real?”

Walang pag-aalinlangan na tumango s’ya.

“Ang sabi mo, naramdaman mo s’ya. Ramdam mo pa rin nang hawakan mo s’ya.” Her eyes were twinkling. “Then maybe… it was real. Maybe Angela did visit you and talk to you. At kung ako ang tatanungin mo, iyon ang pinaniniwalaan ko.”

“That can’t be…” nalilito kong sabi. “It was ridiculous.”

“Siguro nga. Pero siguro rin, binisita ka nga n’ya. Kasi gusto ka n’yang makausap. Gusto n’yang sabihin sa ’yo na hindi mo kasalanan ang nangyari. Na ayaw na n’yang sisihin mo ang sarili mo. Siguro binisita ka nga n’ya kasi ayaw na n’yang pahirapan mo ang sarili mo sa paniniwala mong ’yon. At siguro rin binisita ka n’ya para ipaalala sa ’yong mahal ka n’ya kahit sa huling pagkakataon. Kasi mukhang nakalimutan mo ’yon dahil natabunan na ng guilt mo at ng mga bagay na pinagsisisihan mo.”

I looked away from her and looked down at my hands that were lying on my lap. Ayokong makita ni Rey ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko.

I stared at my hands. Until now, I could still feel Angela. Nararamdaman ko pa rin ang init ng katawan n’ya nang yakapin ko s’ya. Kahit ang lambot ng mga labi n’ya.

That dream felt so real. At may parte sa ’kin na naniniwalang totoo nga iyon.

Fuck… Mahal na mahal kita, Angela.

“Mahal ko ang propesyon ko, Lucius, kasi nagagawa kong intindihin ang mga tao. Ang iniisip nila. At hanggang ngayon, I am still amaze with human brains. With how the mind works. Kasi napakalawak no’n. Sa sobrang lawak, may mga bagay pa rin tungkol human minds na hindi magawang ipaliwanag. Marami pa ring theories at approach na lumalabas at pinag-aaralan.”

She reached for my hands and squeezed them, giving me warmth and comfort, telling me that whatever I was thinking right now, she supported it too. Na ganoon din ang paniniwala n’ya.

“At katulad ng utak ng tao, malawak din ang mundo. Marami ring mga bagay at pangyayari hindi magawang ipaliwanag kahit ng mga expert pa. The world and the human mind are both amazing and wonderful.”

I looked at her. I blinked away my tears so I could clearly see her. She looked radiant. Kitang-kita sa mga mata n’ya ang nararamdaman n’ya.

“Ang gusto ko lang sabihin, Lucius, nakadepende sa ’yo kung paano mo gustong intindihin ang naging huling panaginip mo. Pero sana, positibo ’yon. Sana, iyong pipiliin mo ay ang explanation na makakatulong sa ’yo. Kasi naniniwala akong ang walang hanggang pagmamahal ay hindi nakakasakit. Hindi nagpapahirap. Dumaan man sa pagsubok pero sa huli, magiging masaya pa rin ang nakakaramdam no’n. Ang walang hanggang pagmamahal ay nakakaintindi at nagpapalaya. At kayang magpatawad lalo na sa sarili.”

I smiled at her.

“Just like you and Gray?”

She chuckled before she nodded.

“And just like you and Angela.”

It was my turn to chuckle. Kahit na nagsisikip ang lalamunan ko. Kahit na nanlalabo ang paningin ko. Rey’s smile turned even more gentle as she squeezed my hands.

“Hayaan mong makawala ang sarili mo sa nakaraan. Ngayong nagawang ipaalala sa ’yo ni Angela ang pagmamahal n’ya, gamitin mo ’yon para maka-move forward ka at iwanan na ang masasakit na alaala. Kahit na mahirap at alam kong mahihirapan ka. Pero kung unti-unti mo nang natatanggap ang lahat, huwag kang titigil. Magpahinga ka saglit kung napapagod ka pero huwag kang titigil. Huwag kang susuko. Kung kailangan mo ng tulong, marami kaming handang tumulong sa ’yo.”

I nodded. Hindi ko magawang makapagsalita. I was busy trying to stop myself and I didn’t want to cry in front of Rey. Pero mukhang hindi ko na kailangan itago ’yon dahil maiintindihan n’ya pa rin naman.

She smiled at me. I felt her squeeze my hands one last time before she let go.

“Naniniwala akong makakaya mo. Nakahakbang ka na. Itutuloy mo na lang.”

“Thank you…”

Mas lumawak ang ngiti n’ya.

“Walang anuman. Papapasukin ko na si Gray, ha? Ayaw na nu’n malayo sa ’kin, eh.”

“Halata nga.” Napangiti ako. “Thank you for bringing Gray back as well.”

“He did it himself.” She stood up. “Nakaalalay lang ako.”

“Because he knew you were waiting for him.”

“At nandito lang din kaming mga kaibigan mo.”

Napangiti ako. Napapailing.

“Sige na. Papasukin mo na ang bunso.”

Malawak ang naging ngiti ni Rey nang lumapit sa pinto at binuksan iyon. Gray went inside. He was scowling at me. Nakita kong saglit na napatingin si Rey sa kanya bago umiling.

“You shouldn’t have driven a big bike if you couldn’t do it just to look fucking cool,” he said.“

Napakunot ang noo ko. Nagtataka sa inasta ni Gray. He looked pissed. Parang kanina naman ay ayos s’ya.

Marahas na napabuntong-hininga si Rey.

“Tumigil ka nga,” saway n’ya at tumingin sa ’kin. “I want to formally introduce you to Zeno. Hindi yata ’to ang una n’yong pagkikita?”

Napakurap ako. Napatingin kay Gray. No. Kay Zeno. Ibang-iba nga s’ya kay Gray.

“You tried to kill me before,” I said, remembering that time when we were in England.

He smirked.

“Yeah… But that dumbass hacker covered you with his body.”

“Sinabi nang tumigil,” muling saway ni Rey at hinampas pa talaga sa balikat si Zeno bago tumingin sa ’kin. “Worried lang si Zeno sa ’yo. Gusto rin n’yang masigurong ayos ka na nga.”

Zeno glared at her. For a while, I was worried he might hurt her. Pero nag-iwas lang ng tingin. I heard him click his tongue in annoyance but didn’t say anything.

I smiled. So, this is Zeno.

“Nice to formally meet you, Zeno,” I said.

He looked at me. Saglit na tumitig lang sa ’kin.

“Yeah.”

I chuckled. Alright. This is him.

Now I understand why Rey said that the human brain is amazing.

Natahimik ako. Saglit na nag-isip.

So, I was in a coma for almost six months. I wonder what happened in those months. Did everything change? How are my friends? My father? I suddenly want to see them all.

Natigil ako nang may isang tao pang naisip. Agad akong napatingin kina Rey at Zeno.

“Binisita ba ako ni Ada?”

The last time I saw her, I offered her a job at the hotel’s cafe. Nasabi ko na iyon sa owner at sa manager noon. They said that they will contact her. Sila na rin daw ang kakausap sa kanya.

I wonder if she’s working at the café now?

“Sinong Ada?”

Mabilis akong napatingin kay Rey nang sabihin n’ya ’yon.

“She’s my…” I trailed off. “Hindi n’yo s’ya kilala?”

Umiling si Rey. Napatingin din kay Zeno.

“I don’t know any Ada,” he said. “Even Gray.”

“Hindi ba s’ya dumalaw? Hindi n’ya ba alam ang nangyari sa ’kin?”

Nagkatinginan ang dalawa. Rey looked at me.

“Hindi ko alam, Lucius, pero… kami kasi ni Gray ang laging nagbabantay sa ’yo. At walang Ada ang bumibisita sa ’yo.”

Chapter 20

We finally reached the finale of the

Chess Pieces Aftermath

series. This is also the end of the

Chess Pieces series.

You guys have been there with me for three years since I started writing the CPS. It breaks my heart to write this note and say goodbye to all the characters in this series. Napamahal na sa ’kin ang bawat myembro ng EL Ordre at Red Faction, either the heroes or the villains. CPS is my first

series and

I think most of you knew me as the author of this

series that’s

why this will always have a special place in my heart.

I am grateful to each and every one of you. Kahit na masakit sa ulo ang plot, maraming plot twist, at na palagi ko kayong pinag-o-overthink, pinapaiyak at sinasaktan, you guys still love the series. I will miss all your theories, your reactions, and how all of you got engrossed with each story of this series.

Dito na nagtatapos ang kwento ng bawat myembro ng EL Ordre at Red Faction. But as I’ve said before, the ending is always the introduction to a new beginning.

I hope you guys learned a lot from the series. Sana rin hindi n’yo makalimutan ang lahat ng mga natutunan n’yo.

See you at the second-generation stories!

Next

update will be the

Epilogue.

---

Maraming test ang ipinagawa pa sa akin ng doctor just to make sure that I was really okay and there would be no complications even after waking up. Even without the tests, I could already tell I was indeed okay. But I still followed the doctor’s orders as Rey was watching me like a hawk. I had this impression that it wouldn’t do me good if I angered her. The proof was the frightened look in Gray’s eyes whenever she gave me orders and I was about to complain.

The tests and my vitals turned out okay except for the slight pain that I could still feel in my arm and leg. Ang sabi ng doctor, ang kailangan ko na lang daw ay pahinga but I still need to have physical therapy just to make sure there wouldn’t be any problem with my basic skills and brain functions since I was in a coma for almost six months.

The gang visited me the next day after I woke up. Kumpleto pa ang mga gago. The private room I was in was wide but it looked small with all those tall and broad men inside. It looked even more cramped. Kung saan-saan na nga sila umupo but none of them minded it.

Ang gugulo ng mga gago. Sigurado akong nakakaistorbo na kami but since I was a VIP patient, the hospital staff just let us be. It was only when the doctor came in and checked in on me and he found Kylo and Creed on their usual banters that the doctor decided to send them away. Natakot yata sa lutong ng mga murang pinakawalan ni Kylo.

“Pwede ka na raw lumabas bukas,” Rey said after my third day of waking up. Pinapanood ko sila ni Gray na ayusin ang mga gamit.

I was thankful for them. Madalas ay sila ang nag-aalaga at nagbabantay sa ’kin sa hospital. I already told them that I was fine, na hindi na ako kailangan pang bantayan but they insisted that they would do it as they didn’t have anything to do.

In a short version, they told me that Gray was still receiving his therapy. But he showed a lot of improvements compared to before. Nakikita ko rin naman iyon. Mas maaliwalas na ang mukha ni Gray. His eyes seemed more alive and there was an obvious happiness and contentment in his eyes.

Some of his alters were still switching out. Madalas ay si Zeno. Sa apat na araw na nasa hospital ako, dalawang beses kong nakasama si Zeno. Isang beses ay si James na walang ginawa kundi ang magtanong kung pwede ko na lang daw ibigay sa kanya ang motor na ginamit ko at nasira sa aksidente. He said he would fix it instead.

They were still switching out pero hindi na ganoon kadalas. As if all of them could already manage it and finally be able to live a normal life. Because they finally accepted each other and their condition.

“You can stay with us, Kuya Lucius,” Gray said as he looked inside the small fridge, looking for something to eat.

I sighed. Kung minsan iniisip kong nagpupunta lang si Gray dito para kumain. Rey was cooking for our meals pero si Gray na rin kasi ang umuubos ng lahat ng laman ng fridge that the hospital provided. Hinahayaan ko na lang.

“It’s okay,” I said as Gray took out the salad and started eating it. “Doon na lang ako sa condo.”

From the couch where she was sitting, Rey stood up. Itinigil n’ya ang paglalagay ng mga nagamit kong damit sa loob ng travel bag para nakaayos na iyon sa paglabas ko bukas. She looked at me, frowning, clearly not okay with what I’ve said.

“Hindi mo pa nga nagagalaw ng maayos ’yung braso at binti mo. Sino ang mag-aasikaso sa ’yo roon?”

“I can just hire a nurse,” I reasoned.

“Magha-hire ka pa, eh, nandito naman kami ni Gray.” Bumalik na s’ya sa pagkakaupo at itinuloy ang ginagawa.

“I don’t want to impose.”

“You won’t,” Gray said as he ate the lettuce. He chews first before pointing at me with the plastic fork he was using. “Ang tagal din nating hindi nagkita, Kuya. Gusto kitang makakwentuhan.”

Rey sighed. Pareho kami ni Gray na napatingin sa kanya.

“Kailangan n’ya ng pahinga, Gray. Baka ma-stress s’ya kapag kinulit mo.”

Nagtatampo ang tingin na binigay ni Gray sa kanya.

“Makikipagkwentuhan lang, eh. Na-miss ko lang si Kuya Lucius.”

I chuckled. Nakita kong napapangiti rin si Rey pero pinigilan n’ya. Yumuko s’ya at itinuloy ang ginagawa at doon lang pinakawalan ang ngiti.

“Sige na, Lucius,” she said when she looked at me again. “Hindi ka makakaistorbo sa ’min. Gusto rin naming gawin ’to. You let me stay at your hotel before and made sure I was taken care of. Gusto kong bumawi sa pagtulong mo sa ’kin noon.”

“I wanted to help you back then. Hindi naman ako humihingi ng kapalit,” I said.

Rey gave me a gentle smile.

“Alam ko naman. Ganoon ka kabait. Pero gusto ko pa ring bumawi. Gusto rin kitang tulungan ngayon.”

“Two against one, Kuya,” Gray said. Ngumisi pa talaga. “Hindi ka namin titigilan hangga’t hindi ka pumapayag.”

I looked at the two of them. I know how persistent Gray can be. Minsan nga ay nagrereklamo si Hunter dahil hindi n’ya masaway si Gray. Hindi n’ya mapigilan ang kapatid sa gustong gawin. Just like when Gray decided to join the EL Ordre despite Hunter’s disapproval.

And now, Rey’s with him. Sa palagay ko ay wala na rin akong laban sa kanilang dalawa.

I was just worried and embarrassed. I was embarrassed that they needed to look after me. I didn’t want to be a bother. Lalo pa at sila na ang halos magbantay sa ’kin sa buong panahon na nandito ako sa hospital.

But then, I remembered what Rey said. That I have friends, a family that wanted to help me. Na kung nagkabaliktad man ang sitwasyon, gugustuhin ko ring tulungan sila. I just didn’t want to take advantage of their kindness.

“Alright,” I said, sighing in defeat. “Pero hanggang sa magamit ko na ulit nang maayos ang mga braso at binti ko.”

They both beamed at me. Ang laki ng pagkakangiti nila na para bang pinagbigyan sila sa isang bagay na matagal na nilang gusto. I couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped from my lips. This couple was just fucking adorable.

They got busy trying to tidy up the room. I was facing my laptop as I have so much pending work. My father visited me yesterday and told me not to worry about the hotel as he took over for a while and I should just focus on my recovery. But I guess, hinahanap-hanap din ang katawan ko ang pagtatrabaho.

Rey and Gray were done with what they were doing when we heard a knock on the door. Pare-pareho kaming napatingin doon. I was thinking it was just the doctor but when the door opened, I realized I was wrong.

Natahimik ang dalawang kasama ko sa kwarto na kanina ay nagkukulitan lang. I stopped typing on the laptop as well, surprised by my visitor. I shouldn’t have been surprised as I know she was working in this hospital but still, hindi ko akalaing makikita ko si Ishtar ngayon.

I saw the reluctant look on her face before she smiled and walked inside, closing the door behind her. She was wearing a white polo blouse and black slacks under her white lab coat. Seeing her like this reminded me how much everything changed between the two of us.

“Hi,” she greeted. Hindi s’ya masyadong lumapit sa ’kin at tumigil ilang hakbang pa ang layo mula sa kama ko.

I heard Gray clear his throat. In the corner of my eye, I saw him and Rey stood up.

“Pupunta lang ako ng nurse station. Aasikasuhin ko na discharge papers mo, Lucius,” it was Rey.

“Sa labas lang ako, Kuya,” Gray said and I knew that he would stay outside just in case. Gusto ko sanang sabihin walang magiging problema but I knew that Gray would still stay there.

They both left the room after that. Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko kay Ishtar. I was torn on what I should do with her.

I didn’t want her here but at the same time, there was a part of me that wanted to talk to her. For the last time.

Silence stretched between us after Rey and Gray left. Nanatiling nakatayo si Ishtar, nag-aalangang lumapit. I just waited for her next move. Sa ilang beses na itinaboy ko s’ya, patuloy pa rin s’yang lumalapit so I knew that even if I told her to leave, she still wouldn’t go away.

When she probably saw in my eyes that I wouldn’t send her away, she finally walked towards my bed. Naupo s’ya sa upuan na nasa gilid lang ng kama ko. I looked away as I didn’t want her this close. I never want her to get close to my life anymore.

“How are you?” she asked. I could hear the slight tremor in her voice. “I was worried. Palagi kitang binibista nu’ng tulog ka. I was so glad when I hear that you finally woke up.”

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. Nanatali lang ang tingin ko sa laptop ko. There was so much in my mind right now and I knew that if I say something, hindi maganda ang mga salitang lalabas sa bibig ko.

The last dream I had with Angela was still fresh in my mind. It was a beautiful dream and a part of me was hoping that it was real. Na nakausap ko nga talaga si Angela. That it was her saying goodbye to me.

Ayokong mabahiran ng kahit anong negatibo ang alaala o panaginip na ’yon. I finally heard her say that she loves me again. I finally saw the love in her eyes again.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Mariin kong ikinuyom ang mga palad ko, hoping that it would erase my anger or anything unpleasant in my chest. Ilang sandali bago ko iyon tuluyang nagawa. I opened my eyes and looked at Ishtar.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

She gave me a sad smile. As if she was sad that I didn’t know the answer and that I had to ask her that.

“Of course, I wanted to make sure that you’re okay,” she said. “I was contemplating if I should visit you or not. Natatakot kasi akong baka mapasama sa condition mo ang pagbisita ko.”

“And yet you’re here.”

I saw the pain in her eyes.

“Lucius… I just want to talk to you.”

“Ano pa ba’ng sasabihin mo, Ishtar?” I tried to control my anger. “I don’t think you still have anything to say. Whenever you speak, whenever you tried talking to me, you always just said something that made me angrier at you.”

“It’s because you never gave me a chance to speak.” She looked exasperated. “Lagi mo akong itinataboy. Gusto ko lang namang magpaliwanag sa ’yo.”

I wanted to tell her that nothing could make me understand why she did that, what she did to Angela. I could never fucking understand it. Hindi ko matatanggap ang kahit na anong paliwanag n’ya.

But I wanted this to get over with. I was so tired of everything, of Ishtar. Sa tingin ko, kapag pinagbigyan ko s’ya ngayon, baka sakaling hindi n’ya na ako guluhin pa.

“Alright,” I said as I exhaled harshly. “Talk. Explain. Sabihin mo na ang gusto mong sabihin.”

She looked surprised. Hindi yata inaasahan na pagbibigyan ko s’yang makausap ako ngayon. For a while, she just stared at me. Surprise was written on her face. And then she smiled. Nakita ko pa ang pamumula ng mga mata n’ya kasabay ng pagkakaroon ng pag-asa roon.

“Thank you…” she said. Ibinuka n’ya ang bibig, magpapaliwanag na yata. But then she closed it again. “I didn’t know where to start.”

“Start by telling me why the fuck you did that to Angela.”

“You’ll forgive me?”

Napabuntong-hininga ako.

“No,” deretso kong sabi. Nakita ko ang muling pagdaan ng sakit sa mga mata n’ya. “But I want to give you a chance to explain yourself.”

Her face crumpled. She was about to cry, I know. Kabisado ko na ang ganoong expression n’ya. But then, I thought I knew her already. Pero hindi ko inaasahan na magagawa n’ya ang isang bagay na alam n’yang sobrang makakasakit sa ’kin.

It pained me to think that our relationship was severed with what she did. Ang dami naming pinagsamahan. Lumaki kami nang sabay. And it pained me more to think that I thought I knew her and yet… And yet she did something unthinkable.

“I just did that because I love you so much, Lucius,” she said. “Natakot akong maagaw ka ng babaeng ’yon. I was afraid when I saw that you were drifting away from me. You’re mine. I am your Queen. You were supposed to protect me and be with me. Everything was okay until that woman came into the picture.”

“That woman had a name, Ishtar,” I saw through gritted teeth. Hindi ko na napigilan ang galit ko. “And that woman was the love of my life.”

“Iyon nga!” Tears pooled in her eyes. “Bakit ang bilis mo s’yang minahal? Bakit ang bilis mong nahulog sa kanya? When it was me who was with you all the time! When it was me who was with you with that goddamn game!”

Ishtar started to cry. I saw so much hurt in her eyes. Sinusubukan kong intindihin s’ya. I didn’t look away from her hoping that I could understand her. But I don’t. I can’t. Pakiramdam ko pa nga ay ibang tao ang kaharap ko.

But then, I realized that maybe I didn’t really know her. Na mali talaga ako sa pagkakakilala sa kanya. Noon, hindi ko matanggap ang nagawa n’ya kay Angela. Hindi ko matanggap na ang babaeng kasama kong lumaki, the woman I protected, and the woman I considered as my sister, did something that take the life of the woman I loved.

Pero ngayon, nagsisimula ko nang matanggap ang lahat. Paunti-unti. It was easier to accept and understand what she did if I just think that I didn’t know her… If I just try to forget the Ishtar who was with me since we were kids. She was long gone. And the woman in front of me was someone I barely even know.

“It was so unfair, Lucius,” she said between her sobs. “I did everything for you—”

“Stop, Ishtar,” I cut her off. Dinig ko ang pagod sa boses ko. “Just stop already.”

She sobbed. Hinayaan ko s’yang umiyak. She buried her face in her palms and I just watched her. All I could feel was exhaustion as I looked at her.

“You wasted the chance I gave you to explain yourself. What a shame…” I chuckled in remorse. “Now, I’m regretting even talking to you.”

“Lucius…”

“I was hoping to hear that you regret what you did, that you’ll apologize. Pero wala ’kong narinig na pinagsisisihan mo ang ginawa mo. You even tried to put the blame on the love you say you have for me.” Napailing ako. “That’s bullshit. I don’t want that kind of love. I never wanted it. Kaya ’wag mong isisi ang ginawa mo sa pagmamahal na sinasabi mo.”

“Pinagsisisihan ko naman ang ginawa ko…”

“Really?” Muli akong natawa ng walang laman. “It doesn’t seem that way. Sa tingin ko, nagsisisi ka lang kasi galit ako sa ’yo. Na tuluyan na akong nawala sa ’yo. But you are never sorry that Angela died, that a life was taken away because of what you did.”

She looked at me with tears rolling down her eyes. Pero wala akong maramdaman na kahit ano. Or maybe… Pity.

I pity her. I pity people who couldn’t even see what they did wrong. I pity those people who couldn’t accept their mistakes, who even tried to justify what they did wrong. I pity those people who didn’t know how to feel regret or how to apologize. Because those kind of people wouldn’t learn anything. They would just repeat their mistakes. They won’t have a chance to be a better person.

“I hope that this will be the last time we’ll talk. I gave you the chance, Ishtar. But you ruined it. You just wasted it. Ang akala ko kasi, kahit papaano, magsisisi ka. But I guess I was wrong about you.”

“Lucius, please…” She tried to hold my hand pero iniiwas ko ang kamay ko sa kanya. “At least try to remember what we had before. Hindi mo ba talaga ako mapapatawad?”

I shook my head firmly. Siniguro kong makikita n’yang hinding-hindi na magbabago ang desisyon ko.

“I won’t. I can’t. I’m sure of that. Masyado akong nasaktan at nagdusa dahil sa ginawa mo. And I wouldn’t be able to forget all of that.”

Napahagulhol na s’ya. She was looking at me, pleading with her eyes as I wouldn’t let her touch me anymore. Pero pagod na ako. Pagod na ako sa kaiisip na kasalanan ko ang lahat. Na dahil sa pagmamahal n’ya sa ’kin ay nawala si Angela.

I already understood and slowly learned to accept that it wasn’t my fault. I closed my eyes and just remembered the last dream I had with Angela.

Angela wanted me to be happy. She wanted me to be free from pain. I suffered so much. I guess it’s time for me to finally let go of my guilt and pain.

Ilang sandali pang nanatili si Ishtar. Pinanatili kong nakasara ang mga mata ko. I didn’t want to look at her anymore. I could hear her sobs. Maya-maya ay tumayo at naglakad palapit sa pinto.

She opened the door. I knew she looked back at me. I could feel her stares. But when I didn’t open my eyes, she finally went out.

And when she closed the door, I decided to cut off my ties with Ishtar too. It was time to close that chapter of my life.

Rey and Gray took care of me while I was having my physical therapy. The couple was so good to me. Kung minsan ay nahihiya pa ako dahil alam kong bumabawi sila sa panahong nagkahiwalay sila pero parang nakakaistorbo ako roon.

But they didn’t let me feel that way. Kung minsan ay dumadalaw din kasi ang mga kaibigan namin. Nanggugulo lang. Everything was in chaos whenever they would visit that I think I was starting to miss the peaceful moment of those six months I was in a coma. Wala kasing magugulo sa panaginip ko noon.

In no time, I was able to use my arm and leg properly again. Like they were new. My therapist even said na masyadong mabilis ang naging recovery ng braso at binti ko. I think the training I had with the EL Ordre helped me to recover quickly.

I decided to go back to work again. My dad wouldn’t even let me. He wanted me to rest. To take a vacation. But I know that I could rest more with my friends and my family near me.

This time, I wouldn’t isolate myself anymore. I know that people are there for me.

Dad only let me get back to work after I promised that I’ll let him help and we’ll divide the workload. Pumayag na lang ako. Alam ko namang hahayaan n’ya ulit ako kapag nakita at nasiguro n’yang okay na nga ako at nakapagpahinga n’ya.

The first day after I got back working at the hotel was hectic. Sa buong araw ay nasa opisina lang ako. Dad was helping me. He was reviewing the files that I needed to sign. Nauna s’yang umuwi nang masigurong pipirmahan ko na lang ang ilang dokumento.

It was past ten when I got to finish signing the papers. Dad was pestering me to go home. Pero wala pa iyon sa plano ko. There’s someone I need to talk to. Bumaba ako sa lobby ng hotel at dumiretso sa café na nandoon.

There were only a few customers inside. Karamihan ay nakaharap na lang sa laptop with a coffee and sweets on their table. I looked at the counter and saw a woman sitting behind it. Nakapangalumbaba s’ya at nakatulala.

I smiled inwardly and approached her. Hindi n’ya kaagad ako napansin kahit na nasa harap na n’ya ako. Mukhang malalim talaga ang iniisip n’ya.

“Is the tea that is only exclusive to your coffee buddy available?”

Ada looked up at me. For a while, it looked like she couldn’t really see me. Ilang sandali s’yang nakatitig lang sa ’kin. And then, she blinked. Recognition dawned in her eyes before she rolled her eyes at me.

She rolled her eyes at me! What the fuck?

At parang kulang pa ang ginawa n’yang pag-irap sa ’kin, tumayo rin s’ya at tumalikod na para bang ayaw n’ya akong makita. She pretended she was busy doing something on the coffee maker. Pinunasan n’ya pa iyon kahit na alam ko namang malinis na malinis iyon.

“Ada?” I called her, confused about what she did. “Is there something wrong?”

Hindi pa rin ako pinansin ni Ada. Nakatalikod lang s’ya sa ’kin. Ayaw nga talaga akong harapin.

What the hell?

“Ada?” She was still busy cleaning the surface of the coffee maker. “Hey…”

Hindi pa rin talaga s’ya humarap. I took a deep breath.

“Adalina…”

It was only then that she turned and looked at me. I was surprised when I saw the look on her face. There were so many emotions in them. Anger, worry, sadness. It was obvious that she was trying not to cry.

Nagmadali akong lumapit sa kanya. I went behind the counter. Tatalikod na sana ulit s’ya sa ’kin pero magaan ko s’yang hinawakan sa mga braso n’ya at pinaharap sa ’kin.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She shook her head. Her lips pursed. Mukhang wala talagang balak magsalita.

“C’mon… Tell me. I’m your coffee buddy, right?”

At first, she looked like she really wasn’t going to tell me anything. Hindi pa nga makatingin sa ’kin. But then she looked me in the eye and her tears fell.

“Aksidente lang ’yon, ’di ba?” she asked. Nanginginig ang boses n’ya. “Aksidente lang ’yung nangyari sa ’yo?”

I frowned. I couldn’t understand what she was trying to say.

“Of course,” I said. “Naaksidente ako.”

“Hindi mo ’yung sinadya, ’di ba?” A tear fell from her eye but she quickly wiped it.

“What? Of course not. I fainted while I was driving.”

Her lips quivered. I watched as more tears pooled in her eyes. Hanggang sa tumulo ang mga iyon mula sa mga mata n’ya ay hindi ko s’ya hiniwalayan ng tingin.

“Ang akala ko kasi… Ang akala ko—” She sobbed. She couldn’t continue what she was saying so she just shook her head.

I stared at her. My heart was in pain as I watched her cry in front of me. She looked hurt but at the same time, relieved.

Ilang saglit ko pa s’yang pinanood. And then I finally understood her questions. I finally understand the anger and sadness I saw in her eyes earlier.

She was worried. She thought I did it on my own. That it wasn’t just an accident.

I took a deep breath. Sinubukan kong hulihin ang tingin n’ya. But she was busy wiping her tears so I cupped her face and did it for her instead. Wala na s’yang nagawa kundi ang tingnan ako sa mga mata.

“Kaya ba hindi mo ’ko dinalaw sa hospital? Masama ang loob mo sa ’kin kasi akala mo sinadya ko ang nangyaring aksidente?” I asked.

“Dinalaw kita… Kaso isang beses lang. Hindi ko kayang—” She sobbed. “Hindi ko kayang makita kang gano’n.”

“Eh, nu’ng nagising na ako, bakit hindi ka pa rin dumalaw?”

Another tears fell from her eyes. Mabilis ko iyong pinunasan.

“Naiinis ako sa ’yo. Ang akala ko kasi talaga—” Mariin n’yang pinagdikit ang mga labi n’ya at muling umiling.

I didn’t know why but I smiled. Hindi dapat ako ngumiti ngayon. Umiiyak pa naman si Ada. But I just really couldn’t help it while thinking that she was worried about me. She was so cute.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “It was really an accident. I was overstressed, that was why I fainted. Bago ’yon, madalas na talagang sumakit ang ulo ko. Siguro, nasobrahan na talaga ang katawan ko no’ng araw na ’yon.”

“Hindi mo kasi iniingatan ang sarili mo,” sabi n’yang humihikbi pa rin.

Mas lumawak ang ngiti sa mga labi ko.

“Galit ka pa rin sa ’kin?”

She glared at me. Natawa ako.

“I promise. It was just an accident. I never had that thought again when I started talking to you. Kasi may nakinig ng mga kwento ko. Hindi ko naman sasayangin ang mga ginawa at advice mo para sa ’kin.”

Humihikbi pa rin s’ya pero pinipigilan nang umiyak. Mas napangiti ako.

“I am thankful that you’re there for me. That you helped me. Malaki ang naitulong mo kaya nabawasan ang bigat sa dibdib ko. You made me realize things I wasn’t able to understand before.”

Unti-unti, nakita ko ang pagngiti n’ya. I almost sighed in relief when she finally stopped crying.

“Okay ka na ba?” she asked. Hinawakan n’ya ang kamay kong nasa pisngi n’ya pa rin.

I nodded.

“I’m fully okay now. Pero mas magiging okay ako kapag nainom ko na ’yung exclusive tea na para lang sa ’kin.”

She chuckled and it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. Mas lumawak ang ngiti n’ya nang tumango sa ’kin.

“Saglit. Igagawa lang kita.”

Ayoko pa sana s’yang bitiwan pero lumayo na s’ya sa ’kin. I just leaned on the counter, watching her make the tea she always makes for me.

Ah, no. I was only looking at her face. May bakas pa rin ng mga luha sa pisngi n’ya at pinigilan ko ang sarili kong abutin s’ya para alisin iyon. She was smiling anyway.

“Ada…” I called her.

“Hmm?” Hindi man lang s’ya nag-angat ng tingin sa ’kin.

Ilang saglit ko pa s’yang tinitigan bago humugot ng malalim na paghinga.

“Samahan mo ’kong bisitahin ang puntod si Angela.”

Napatigil si Ada at agad na tumingin sa ’kin. She looked surprised.

“Bakit?” she asked.

I smiled. Hindi ko na talaga napigilan ang sarili ko at pinunasan ang natira pang mga luha sa pisngi n’ya.

“I want to introduce you to her.”

Epilogue

#CPSfinale

I groaned when I saw my friends already sitting on the long sofa. Magkabilaan ang mga iyon at sa gitna ay ang glass table. There were already finger food on the table and canned and bottled beers. My friends laughed when they saw my expression.

“King!” Creed greeted me as he stood up. Tumayo pa s’ya at tinapik ako sa balikat bago bahagyang itinulak sa isa sa mga one-seater sofa na nandoon. “Sige na. Umupo ka na at nang masimulan na ang meeting.”

“Also known as inuman session,” sabi ni Death na lumabas sa kusina at inilapag sa table ang bagong lutong onion rings. Gray excitedly took one and ate it.

“Basta nandito lang ako para sa pulutan,” he even said.

“Ikaw naman talaga ang tagaubos ng pulutan natin,” Hunter said. “Hindi na nga makaupo si Death. Ang bilis kasing maubos ng mga niluluto n’ya.”

Nag-aalangan ang ngiting ibinigay ni Gray kay Death pero muli namang kumuha ng onion rings. Death just chuckled and went back to the kitchen to cook more, I guess.

The gang was complete again. Helios and Luther were there even though I knew that the devil in a business suit was busy with his company. I heard his competitors were ganging up against him. But I knew whatever the problem he was having right now with his business, he could fix it. Especially since he wanted to pass down the business to Summer when the right time comes. He wouldn’t want his daughter to face any problems with the company in the future.

He wasn’t called the devil in a business suit for nothing.

I sat down on the one-seater sofa just across from Loki. We were in L’s house again. This brought back memories from when we were still in the game before. It was just like the old times. The only difference was that instead of the laptops and plan laid down on the table, there were beers and food this time. Mas magulo at maingay na rin ang lahat ngayon.

I looked at L, surprised that he wasn’t facing his laptop. He was holding a can of beer in his hand instead. He looked bored as he listened to the conversation. May palagay akong gugustuhin n’yang umuwi kung nasa ibang lugar lang kami at wala sa bahay n’ya.

“L, where’s Codee and Zachariah?” I asked.

He looked at me and I saw the slight changes in his expression as he heard his wife and their baby’s name.

“Nasa Dad n’ya,” he said. “Hindi sila makakapagpahinga kung nandito sila. Sa ingay n’yo ba naman.”

“Si Kuya Creed ’yung maingay,” sabi ni Gray na ang sisig naman ngayon ang nilalantakan.

“Gray! Uminom ka naman!” saway ni Hunter. Nakalahati na kasi ni Gray ’yung sisig.

“Ang bad influence mo, Kuya,” he said but chuckled when his brother glared at him.

“’Di ba soundproof naman ang mga kwarto n’yo?” tanong ni Creed kay L. I was about to think that it was a harmless question but knowing Creed, may pagkagago talaga ang isang ’yon. The naughty glint in his eyes just proved that he was thinking of something else.

L looked at him with so much coldness in his eyes that I almost froze on the spot even if he wasn’t looking at me.

“If you don’t stop, I’ll make sure our next gathering would be your funeral.”

The way L said it was too intense despite the lack of emotion in his voice. And it reminded me why he was one of the best agents in EL Ordre.

But Creed just laughed. Mukhang hindi man lang natakot sa sinabi ni L.

“Aminin mo. Mas nag-aalala kang marinig ng anak n’yo ang mura ni Kylo,” Creed even said.

Kylo frowned as soon as he heard his name. He was about to drink his beer again. His canned beer stopped midair.

“Idadamay mo na naman akong tangina ka.”

“Mag-aaway na naman ba kayo?” Helios asked.

“Hindi na talaga kayo nagkasundo,” Luther said with a chuckle.

“Si Kylo lang naman ang may ayaw sa ’kin. Mahal na mahal ko kaya ang best friend kong ’yan.”

Kylo glared at Creed as the rest of us laughed at what he said.

“Death, halika na rito!” Hunter shouted, looking in the direction of the kitchen where Death was. “Baka hindi ka na naman makainom!”

“Wala ng pulutan!” Death shouted back.

Napatingin kaming lahat kay Gray. He was happily munching the food. He looked out of place as he was the youngest and it seemed like he wasn’t interested in all the conversation but he always joined us whenever we gathered like this as he wanted to eat the food.

I looked at Hunter who just shook his head helplessly while looking at his brother. Alam kong gusto n’ya nang sawayin dahil hindi pa man nagsisimula ang inuman pero paubos na ang pulutan. But Gray looked like he was enjoying himself.

“Pinapakain mo ba ’yan?” I asked Hunter.

He looked at me. Helplessness was in his eyes but he was smiling. I knew he was happy that Gray could join us again.

“Hayaan mo s’ya,” he said before he shouted at Death again. “Magpa-deliver na lang tayo! You’ll be there in the kitchen the entire night!”

I knew that Death didn’t mind it. He likes cooking. Kahit kailan din naman ay hindi s’ya nagreklamo na s’ya ang nagluluto. Naiinis lang kapag mabilis maubos ang pulutan na si Gray naman ang kasalanan.

Death emerged from the kitchen after a while. He sat beside Hunter on the long sofa and took a canned beer.

I smiled inwardly. I knew the memories of us gathered like this before weren’t anything pleasant but I was glad that we could finally have something like this now that we could enjoy our normal lives. I was glad we could finally live and enjoy everything without any danger awaiting us.

Thanks to their wives as well, they let us meet like this. Hindi nila pinagbabawalan ang mga asawa nilang makipag-inuman. Hindi naman madalas na ginagawa namin ’to but still, I miss being with the EL Ordre. And I guess the women knew our bond. That we weren’t just a team. We were a family.

“How’s your arm and leg, Lucius?” Death asked before he drank on his canned beer.

“I’m fine now,” I said. Kumuha na rin ako ng alak na nasa bote. I opened it using another bottle of beer. “Although I can’t risk driving for now. Saka na lang siguro kapag sigurado na ’kong magaling na nga ang binti ko.”

“Hiningi ni James ’yung motor n’ya, eh,” Gray said, munching the onion rings. “Sinusubukan n’yang buuin ulit.”

“He could do that?” I asked.

Gray shrugged.

“Siguro? Malapit na n’yang mabuo ulit, eh.”

“Ikaw, Gray? Kumusta na?” Kylo asked.

Gray swallowed first before he smiled.

“I’m much better now, Kuya Kylo.” He smiled sheepishly. “Salamat nga pala sa pagtyatyaga n’yo sa ’kin. And I’m sorry for all the things I’ve… I mean, Zeno did.”

Hunter ruffled his brother’s hair. Gray tried to hide his smile this time but I saw his eyes twinkle with tears.

“Forget about it, Gray,” Hunter said. “Let’s all put it in the past, okay?”

“Yeah…” L said. He knew that Gray felt guilty when Zeno shot him before. “Those weren’t good days but… our bond got stronger because of what we’ve been through.”

Creed looked at L theatrically. Nanlalaki pa ang mga mata at nakahawak sa dibdib na parang hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ni L.

“Wow, L! Hindi ko akalain na maririnig kitang magsalita ng gan’yan.”

“Ikaw lang naman ang gagong magsalita sa ’ting lahat,” it was Kylo.

“Hoy! Nagseseryoso rin ako!”

“Pagkatapos naming mainis sa mga sinasabi mo.”

“Nagsisimula na naman kayo,” Luther said, chuckling.

“Well… I’m glad everything’s okay now,” Helios said. “I don’t fully know the whole story but I’m happy we could finally enjoy moments like this.”

I nodded. Nakita ko ring napangiti ang ilan sa mga kasama ko. We cheered at that, finally freeing ourselves from the past that imprisoned us.

Back then, I wouldn’t have imagined that we’d have something like this in the future. ’Yung ganitong mag-iinuman kami, pag-uusapan ang nakaraan na parang wala lang. Na parang hindi nanganib ang buhay namin noon.

Because now, all the burdens, anxieties, and heaviness have been lifted off our chests. We were finally able to move on. To look back at the past without feeling any regrets. Without feeling any guilt.

Back then, I wouldn’t have imagined that I would be able to feel something like this. ’Yung sobrang gaan sa pakiramdam. ’Yung bang… wala nang lungkot sa dibdib ko. I wouldn’t have imagined that I would be able to smile genuinely.

Because now, I am finally able to accept everything. It was a slow process but still, I am moving on.

I didn’t even know I could do it. Ang hirap kasi. Hirap na hirap ako. Kahit na natapos na ang laro, pakiramdam ko, sinusundan pa rin ako noon. Hindi nakatulong ang gabi-gabing bangungunot at mga negatibong emosyon sa dibdib ko.

I thought I wouldn’t be able to get to the surface. That I would just continue to drown, sinking deep in the ocean of misery. Halos hindi ko na makita ang liwanag. Everything was so dark and I couldn’t even breathe.

But then, when you thought it was hopeless or that everything you did was useless, something would come, reminding you that there’s still hope. That you can do it. Mahihirapan kang makita iyon sa una dahil sobrang dilim, dahil nalulunod ka at hindi makahinga.

But it was there. It was always there. Waiting for you to notice it. Waiting for you to hold on to it. To hold on to life. To remind you that there’s still hope as long as your heart is beating.

It would be a small reminder. Hindi mo mapapansin. But it would be able to nudge you back to life. Back to the beauty of sunshine.

And when it does, don’t ignore it. Hold on to it. Take a step forward. It will be a hard first step but it will get easier for the next following steps. Hanggang sa tuluyan ka nang makabangon.

I looked at my friends, grateful that I have someone like them. Grateful that they didn’t give up on me.

I am thankful I have this family.

“By the way, Lucius… How’s that girl? Have you talked to her?”

I looked at Loki. He was casually leaning on the sofa, taking a sip of his bottled beer.

I frowned at him.

“Who?”

“That girl at the café. Ada? She visited you in the hospital but you were still asleep at that time.”

I blinked. Naalala ko ang sinabi ni Ada na isang beses s’yang bumisita sa hospital when I was still in a coma. So, it was Loki who was watching over me that time. Kaya pala hindi s’ya nakilala nina Gray at Rey.

“Ikaw ang nagbabantay sa ’kin noon?” I asked to confirm.

Loki nodded.

“Eresh was also with me that time. Ada cried.”

I straightened my back.

“Did Eresh say something to her?”

That question already left my lips when I realized my mistakes. Hindi maganda ang laman ng tanong ko. But Loki chuckled. He didn’t look offended.

“No,” he said. “Ada cried when she saw you lying on the bed, unmoving, with all that stuff on your body.”

I didn’t say anything. I was surprised. Although I knew how worried Ada was as she already told me that, still, I didn’t know that she cried in front of Loki and Eresh at the hospital.

Loki smirked and I braced myself for whatever he was about to say.

“She looked like a woman looking worriedly at the man she loves.”

Halos mapamura ako nang mapatingin silang lahat sa akin. Noong una ay tahimik lang sila. Inaabangan yata ang sasabihin ko. But I didn’t know what to say. Saka ko lang pinagsisihan na hindi ako nagsalita nang marinig ang pagtawa ni Creed.

“Ano ba’ng meron sa inyo ni Ada, ha?” he even asked between his laughter.

I glared at him. Mukha namang hindi s’ya naapektuhan.

“She was just worried,” I said. “She thought I tried to kill myself.”

“Seryoso?” gulat na tanong ni Hunter.

“Yeah… Couldn’t actually blame her. I told her I had those thoughts before.”

They fell into silence. I didn’t want to tell them that pero ayokong bigyan nila ng malisya ang kung ano’ng meron sa ’min ni Ada. Besides, it was easier for me now to talk about it.

“But I’m okay now,” I said, assuring them. “Really. It was only before. Pero ayos na talaga ako ngayon.”

“Nakikita kong okay ka na nga, Kuya,” Gray said. “Totoo na ang mga ngiti mo.”

“Oo nga,” Creed seconded. “Wala na ’yung madilim na aura na nakapaligid sa ’yo.”

I chuckled. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sinasabi ni Creed but I guess it had something to do with what I felt that time.

I am feeling okay now. Magaan na ang pakiramdam ko.

“Hindi tayo nag-celebrate nu’ng natapos na ang laro, right?” I asked.

“Yeah. We were busy fixing our lives,” Loki said.

“Then… Let this be our celebration,” Death said and we all nodded.

“Is it alright if we join?” Helios asked.

“Of course,” sabay-sabay pa naming sabi para sa kanila ni Luther.

I raised my bottle of beer. Looking at every one of them.

These are the people who had been with me at the lowest point of my life.

“Even though the game did nothing good for us, I was glad to meet all of you,” I said and raised my bottle of beer more. “To live a meaningful life.”

They raised their beers as well.

“To live a meaningful life.”

There were smile on our lips as we drank our beers.

Finally. Everything’s okay now.

Ada was quiet as we entered the mausoleum. I didn’t know what she was thinking but I just let her be. I was thinking that she didn’t want to be here yet I dragged her with me. Gusto ko lang talaga s’yang ipakilala kay Angela.

She stopped a few steps while I approached Angela’s tomb. I set down the flowers and the letters I wrote for her. Kasama na roon ang pinakahuling sulat na ginawa ko para sa kanya. My farewell letter to her.

“Hey, love…” I greeted her, staring at her name that was on the tombstone. “How are you? I hope you’re happy wherever you are now. Because I am happy. Finally happy. I’m doing well now.”

I caressed her name. Pinaraanan ko ng mga daliri ang bawat letra ng pangalan n’ya.

“By the way, I have someone with me. I really wanted you to meet her.”

I looked at Ada behind me. Nahuli kong nakatitig s’ya sa ’kin. She smiled before she finally took a step and stopped beside me. Muli akong tumingin sa puntod ni Angela.

“She’s Adalina. My coffee buddy.”

“Hi, Angela!” Ada greeted her. Napangiti ako nang tingnan ang mukha n’ya. She was smiling while looking at Angela’s tomb. “Ang dami kong narinig tungkol sa ’yo. Palagi ka kasing kinukwento sa ’kin ni Lucius. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, kilalang-kilala na kita.”

I chuckled. Ada glanced at me. When she saw my smile, her eyes twinkled as her smile widened. She looked at Angela’s tomb again.

“Maayos na ang mahal mo. Hindi na s’ya mukhang malungkot. Hindi na s’ya mukhang palaging iiyak. Palagi ng may ngiti sa mga labi n’ya. Totoong ngiti. Mas lalo tuloy s’yang gumuwapo.” She chuckled. “Hindi mo na kailangang mag-alala sa kanya. I know he can continue to move forward. Alam ko rin namang hindi mo na gugustuhing malungkot s’ya. Gugustuhin mong palagi s’yang masaya, ’di ba? Kasi ganoon ang pagmamahal mo. Alam ko kasi ganoon ka ikinuwento sa ’kin ni Lucius.”

From Ada’s face, I looked at Angela’s tomb again. I could suddenly feel warmth in me. A warmth in my chest. I closed my eyes and Angela’s smiling face came into my mind.

“Sisiguraduhin ko ring aalagaan n’ya ang sarili n’ya. Kaya kung nasa’n ka man, pwede nang mapanatag ang loob mo.”

I opened my eyes and I saw Ada looking at me. She was smiling. Her eyes shone as brightly as the sunshine. I smiled back at her and looked at Angela’s tomb.

I closed my eyes, uttering a silent prayer.

Ilang sandali pa kaming nanatili roon bago kami tuluyang lumabas. And when we were outside of the mausoleum, a warm breeze passed. It was gentle as if the wind was whispering something to me. I took a deep breath and smiled.

You can rest now, love… I love you.

“Sandali lang, Lucius. Dadalawin ko lang din sina Lolo at Lola,” Ada said.

I nodded.

“Okay.”

Where Angela lies was a private cemetery pero may katabi rin iyong public cemetery. Ada went there. Ilang sandali kaming naglakad para makapunta roon. The place was so quiet pero dere-deretso lang naglakad si Ada. Mukhang kabisado na kung nasaan nakahimlay ang Lolo at Lola n’ya. And I realized that it was because she often went here to visit them.

It was that kind of tombstone na magkakapatong. There were a lot of names. Hindi ko pa mahulaan kung nasaan doon ang Lolo at Lola ni Ada nang tumigil s’ya sa isang banda. Binuksan n’ya ang backpack n’ya at inilabas doon ang kandila. Sinindihan n’ya iyon sa harap ng nitsong may dalawang pangalan.

“Hi po, Lolo at Lola!” she greeted. “Nandito na naman po ang maganda n’yong apo.”

I smiled. She started talking to them and I stared at the names. There was a picture pasted on the tombstone as well. Luma na iyon. It was a picture of a young Ada with her grandparents beside her.

I was her highschool graduation photo. Nakaputing toga kasi si Ada roon. Sa magkabilang gilid n’ya ay ang Lolo at Lola n’ya. All of them were smiling and the grandparents looked proud of her.

But something caught my eye. It was Ada’s grandfather. He looked familiar. Ilang sandali ko pang tinitigan ang lalaki, inaalala kung saan ko s’ya nakita.

And then it finally came to me where I met him. I wouldn’t be able to remember him if only I wasn’t always relieving Angela’s memories. Especially the first time I saw her.

It was him. Iyong matandang tinulungan ni Angela sa pagtawid noon.

I looked at Ada. Her eyes were closed, probably saying a silent prayer for her grandparents. Ilang sandali ko s’yang tinitigan bago unti-unting napangiti.

Alright. I get it…

I closed my eyes and uttered a silent prayer as well.

“Sakay na lang tayo ng bus!” sabi ni Ada nang magyaya na s’yang umuwi. I was about to call my driver when she said that.

“What?”

“Sige na!” She was smiling. “Para makasakay ka ulit! May pamasahe na ’ko ngayon. Kung wala kang cash, ililibre na lang kita.”

I chuckled. I stared at her. Ngiting-ngiti s’ya. And I just couldn’t let myself ruin that beautiful smile of hers so I nodded.

“Okay.”

Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ni Ada. We waited for the bus at the bus stop. Magkatabi kaming naupo roon. S’ya ang nasa tabi ng bintana.

Ada was smiling the entire ride. Nahawa na rin ako sa ngiti n’ya. Sumandal ako sa upuan at ipinikit ang mga mata.

I’m glad I didn’t give up. I’m glad I’m here, riding a bus comfortably. Sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam sa dibdib ko.

I’m glad I tried to overcome my suffering.

People suffer. People will experience pain. And it would be hard for them to move forward in life. Especially when they feel that the pain slowly eats them. Especially when they think that their suffering is pulling them deep into the darkness.

But the only way to move forward is to come across it. To face it. To face reality. It won’t be easy to take a step forward. People will try to help you, to offer help. But the person who could help you the most is yourself.

Don’t be afraid to take a step forward. Remember that there is an invisible light behind that darkness. There is happiness after overcoming the pain and suffering.

Remember to keep going.

[End of Chess Pieces Aftermath]

Before the Coffee gets cold

Hello! Sa mga nabitin and wants to read more scenes of Lucius and Ada, I will be making a different story about them. The title is

Before the Coffee gets cold.

I know not a lot of people are open to this new chapter of life ni Lucius, that is why this story will be a Patreon and VIP exclusive story only . Doon din po ako magpo-post ng mga advance updates ng mga story ko here sa Wattpad and also other exclusive stories that I am planning to write.

No. I will not be posting Lucius and Ada’s story here po sa Wattpad.

We will be accepting membership on VIP group starting tomorrow. My Patreon is already launched na po. You can decide if Patreon or VIP fb group po ang gusto n’yong salihan.

If you want to join the VIP group, you can message the page HiroYuu101 Journa l sa facebook. My admins will assist you.

My Patreon account is: https://www.patreon.com/HiroYuu101patreon

Thank you so much!

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