WARNING: TOXIC TO THE SOUL IF YOUR EQ IS SUFFERING…OR MAYBE NOT.

Hello my FB and Watty friends,

Since I’m always deactivating my FB account, I don’t want you to miss me so much, so I created this “book” so you can still read my random kabaliwan while I’m off the radar. I will be periodically updating this particular work just like an FB wall, but I’d be writing stuff here which might interest you more than the mundane. Read them if you want to learn some, laugh some, or get fired up to do something. These are my thoughts on love, relationships, based on what I’ve heard, read and seen personally. They are not all MY experiences, mind you. I couldn’t possibly have experienced all these shit or I’d be six feet under by now in heartache overdose! Kung tatamaan man ang iba sa atin diyan ay wag naman mapikon. Lalo na kung totoo naman:) There’s nothing too serious here. I just want to provide you something to think about and then you go ’fuck me“ after reading stuff that you were able to relate with and just laugh about it. So….Read on! love you, guys! 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

COPYRIGHT EVE MONTELIBANO

SLIGHTLY CRACKED

Hello mga bakla. Pasensiya na, may hang-over pa ako sa English Only, Please! Maganda. Magandang pelikula. Na-remind ako sa napakaraming katangahan ko sa pag-ibig nung kabataan ko. Pero anlala naman ng laptop, te! Pinakamalaki kong nabigay sa ex ko eh yung puri ko. Teka, mahal ba ‘yun? Na-TY yata ako dun!

You’re were more gullible than the citizens of this country. They are getting farked in the a$$ big time by the government with a Durian fruit and they still say thank you with a smile.

 Shaddap! If I know, kinilig ka rin  naman noon.

  Who, me? I was screaming my a$$ off for you to get away from that sweet-talking #^%8&@+.

 Gosh, hanggang now, bitter ka pa din? Naman! 5 centuries ago pa yun! Move on na, te!

  I may forgive. But I never forget.

 Okay, shut up ka muna, pwede? I’m trying to be Marcelina Santita  here in our little community.

  Who the fark is that?

Oy sikat yun dito sa Watty. Idol ng marami. Di ka kilala nun. At di ka papansinin nun ever. Ayaw nun ng mga taong cynical at jaded na tulad mo. Reyna ng positivity, hope, faith and love yun. Tulad ko. Pero di ako reyna. Duchess lang ako hihi.  Okay, shut up na ha.

(Back to my readers) Sa totoo lang, sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay natin na pwede tayong maging santambak na tanga, panalo ang pag-ibig. As in, kung sa lotto pa, triple-jackpot sa katangahan ang marami sa atin diyan. Kung sa basketball, Air Jordan slam dunk at kung sa football,  goal na goal. At take note, kahit nadenggoy na mula ulo hanggang talampakan at kulangot lang ang walang latay,  hindi pa matututo ‘yan. Uulit-ulitin pa.

Mental. I swear.

Bakit ba? Ano ba meron sa tang-inang pag-ibig na ‘yan na kahit nasabugan na tayo ng sakit, dusa, hirap, kunsumisyon, at lahat ng kabadtripan sa buhay eh hindi natin kayang i-resist kapag dumapo na sa atin? Ano ba ‘yan, sakit? Oo, mukhang sakit nga, pero ibang klase. Okay lang sana kung flu na isang lingo kang bed-ridden pero ayos na paglipas ng virus, kaso daig pa niyan ang terminal disease eh. Yung mga may taning ang buhay, sa una lang masakit na matatapos na agad ang kanilang buhay, pero kapag malapit na yung katapusan nila at sumusuko na ang katawan nila, doon nila naa-appreciate na mahal pa rin pala sila ng nasa Itaas, kasi inihanda sila para sa kabilang buhay na walang hanggan. Happy ending dun. Walang sakit, lungkot, hirap at dusa. Puro lang saya. Kapag tuluyan na silang namahinga, handang-handa na rin sila at at peace na sila sa kanilang pagpanaw.

Pero yung masawi ka sa tang-inez na pag-ibig na ‘yan, parang pinaghalong apocalypse, ragnarok at ww2 eh. Pakiramdam mo magugunaw ang mundo araw-araw, parang may lindol at bagyo oras-oras, parang may giyera sa paligid mo palagi, gusto mong maghuramentado kapag nakakita ka ng mga lovebirds na naglalampungan, gusto mong magkikisay sa kaampalayahan kapag nakakita ka ng friend mong nakakatanggap ng flowers at chocolates, gusto mong magsisipa sa inis kapag kinikilig si BFF mo sa ka-chat niyang blue-eyed hunk from Transylvania at parang gusto mong mag-commit ng heinous crime na punishable by ten lifetimes kapag nakita mo ang ex mong meron ng bago. Tang-ina talaga!!!

Who’s fault was that? I told you. I warned you. But you were just plain Dumbo. At least Dumbo has a book and a movie I think. You my dear, was just a little page in his scrap book. Emphasis on scrap.

(Wag ng pansinin ang bitter!) Tapos gusto mong magpakamatay sa gutom. Wala kang ganang kumain. Pero wag ka, pag nauntog ka na at nahimasmasan after one thousand years of solitude, titingnan mo yung picture mo nung broken-hearted ka. Ay, ang slim slim mo at ang ganda ganda mo at gusto mo ulit ma-broken heart para pumayat ka ulit kasi nag-double time ka naman ng kain nung natauhan ka na. Kaya ayun, gusto mo ulit ma-inlab! Libreng diet ba naman, daig pa ang South beach,  Atkins at Zone diets, di na kelangan mag-kok-kok pills na palaging sabog ang mundo mo dahil high sa shabu content. So, ayan, ang isa sa mga dahilan bakit sarap ulit-uliting ma-in lab? Sume-sexy ka!

Dafuq is this crap you’re feeding these poor people?

Eh paano ba naman kasi, ang sarap ma-in lab. Hindi ko alam ano bang tumpak na ingridients niyan. Yung iba, ang galing tumimpla eh, nagtatagal yung love nila. Pero sa mga tulad kong hindi naman nag-aral ng chemistry, palpak ang timplada ko palagi. Di ko alam kung bakit eh matalino naman ako. Oy ha, mataas ang IQ ko. Naka-gradweyt ako sa unibersidad, leader ako palagi sa mga organizations na salihan ko, winner ako sa mga contests, maliban sa raffle ha. Wala ako kswerte-swerte diyan. Last stub na lang at 2 tickets na lang ang tatawagin, hindi pa rin ako ang tinatawag. Wala naman ako balat sa pwet. Pero sa iba, winner ako palagi. Kaso sa love…bagsak ang grado ko. Tumataginting na singko palagi. Hindi nga man lang nag-conditional eh. Okay na sana sa kwatro, baka may pag-asa pa sa removal. Singko talaga eh. Pulang-pula. Parang dugo lang. Pero lintek, re-take naman ako ng re-take ng tang-inang subject na ‘yan. Bakit ba?

Simple. You’re a retard. Your brain development was so slow compared to your knockers and bumpers. Mind injecting some of the excess fats into your noggin? I badly need it.

Oo na. Ang totoo niyan, nakaka-adik kasi siya. Sobrang nakaka-challenge. Yung parang dota na ayaw mong tigilan hangga’t hindi mo nama-master. Yung parang Angry Birds dati na gusto mong marderin ang kapitbahay mong mas mataas ang score sa ‘yo? Obsessed na obsessed ka na magtagumpay kang maranasan yung nararamdaman ng iba na happy-ever-after. Yung highest score sa Candy Crush? Yung cloud nine? Yung slam dunk? Yung happy ending?

Bull. Shit. Hear me?

Wag ninyong pansinin ang mahaderang alter ego ko ha. Bitter to the max yan eh. Walang kaligayahan. Antaas ng standards na ni sarili, di na maabot. Masyadong perfectionist. OC na nga. Bakit, wala naman perfect sa mundo ah. Wala ring perpektong tao. Lahat may amats. Lahat may palpak. Ako, aminado ako na hopeless romantic ako. Tingnan naman ninyo ang tang-inang career ko o. Romance novelist! Di ba, bongga?

Ha-ha-ha. Height of irony. You na!

Oo na, sige na! Walking irony ako. I write about love. Kung maka-love ako sa mga nobela ko, kala mo expert eh. Kaya kong i-describe yung pinaka-high na feeling na isang in-love. Dami ko ngang fans dahil sa abilidad kong ‘yan. But I am still chasing that elusive phenomenon that many experience like a stroll in the park every day. Bakit kaya mailap sa akin ang tang-inang love na ‘yan? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit?

Say cheese! (eye-roll)

O siya, pasakalye lang ‘yan.  Panira ng diskarte ‘tong bitchesang ‘to Nakakasira ng idealism. Nakakasunog ng romantic bangs! Pag di ko ‘yan matantsa, bigyan ko ng jacket yan eh.

I love jackets. Leather, I hope?

Haaay, okay mga bakla. May lakad pa ako. Tune in for more. Andami kong mga kwentong kabaliwan sa pag-ibig echus. Pag naniwala kayong akin lahat yun eh, either super idol ninyo ako sa katangahan or tingin ninyo bullet-proof ako sa ka-shitan.  But either way, I lovet!

Laytah!

LOVE IS A RUSSIAN ROULETTE (published by Love Match)

Hello, Independent Woman. Have you ever been to a point where the very thought of dating makes you cringe? I’m sure you have. Just thinking of meeting another potential Mr. Right in the form of a blind date gives you the ewww feeling. You’re tired of your Mom and her friends and your BFF trying to pair you off to strangers. The whole process of getting-to-know makes you nauseous. You’d rather be in a spa being pampered from head to toe than getting dressed up for a guy you don’t even know from Adam and who will likely turn out to be the worst date of your life. As always! 

But that’s getting way ahead of it.

Let me have the fun of describing what we have all experienced in  this state of insanity called “looking for THE ONE”. It’s temporary, mind you. It’s curable. But a lot of us love to be in this state. It’s fun and exciting, until your ego starts getting a beating, and it’s downhil from then on.

Looking for Mr. Right nowadays is like playing Russian Roulette. It’s a lethal game of chance where you spin the odds of finding love and you put your heart on the line, hoping that when you spin the cylinder of fate and pull the trigger, you don’t get the fatal bullet. It’s an expedition of gigantic proportions that requires a lot of time, effort and resources on your part and it’s bound to bring you disappointment, disillusionment and will more likely turn you from a hopeless romantic to a hard-core cynic. 

Okay, so you are a romantic and you want to fall in love with this epitome of manhood. You wait and wait for him to come your way but he never does. You realize one day while in the middle of reading a romance book or watching a Sandra Bullock rom-com that you cannot find him in the pages of a Johanna Lindsey fiction while snuggled in your pink Victorian bed or in the faces and bodies of Keannu Reeves, Hugh Grant or Ryan Reynolds. You have to look for him. You have to go out there, scour the universe to find him. 

The thing is, you don’t know where to look because Mr. Right could be anywhere– in a restaurant pigging out on steak, in a bank plotting to rob it, in a night club hoping to get discovered by a talent scout, in an airport fixing a busted engine, scaling the Everest trying to beat a world record, in an online dating site desperately looking for you too but getting sidetracked by eye-candies, or he could be taking care of a zoo in Africa with Brangelina. The places where he could be and the possible ways to meet him are endless. And there are so many obstacles you can encounter too while you look for your beloved Knight in Shining Armour. 

You would encounter other men along the way and you may mistake them for your prince and then you discover that they are not what you were looking for, provided you know exactly what you are looking for in the first place. You have this imaginary ideal man—and you often create him out of several personalities you have read, met or seen, say  Chace Crawford’s face, Channing Tatum’s body, Mark Zuckerberg’s business savvy (self-made billionaire in his twenties, how’s that for business savvy?), Bill Gate’s philanthropic heart, the Dalai Lama’s wisdom, Larry Kings sharp wit, your father’s patience and kindness and your classmate Ian’s (who’s had a crush on you since kinder) sweetness and thoughtfulness. 

The man of your dreams is like a Frankenstein of the finest human parts and qualities and you love idealizing him within the magical castle of your fairytale dreams than in the glaring light of reality. And more often than not, you think that you have found him already only to be disappointed over and over, because every man you meet feels right in the beginning and ends up totally wrong in the end. But you never lose hope. You know it deep in your heart and soul, you will find him. You’ll just have to keep the faith and be more patient and one day soon, he will come revving in his black Lamborghini, ready to take you on a wild ride to ever after. And your search for the myth continues.

Indeed, finding your soulmate is like playing Russian Roulette. Sooner or later you’d get the bullet. 

And no, that wasn’t a metaphor. :)

INDEPENDENCE EQUALS ALONE (published by Love Match)

You’re in your fave restaurant again. You’re having a date with your fabulous self. As usual. So you order the best in the menu and before you know it, you are pigging out on a meal good for five people. And you blame your lack of lovelife for your extra pounds. And you hate going to the gym. You want to get serious about gym. You really do. Staring at bikini-bodies with abs to kill for on TV makes you want to hop right into your car and head for the nearest gym. But then you’ll say, there’s always tomorrow. You’d swear to do it tomorrow. And diet! I’d stop eating right after this meal! And you’ve been saying that for five years already.

You go shopping for undies. There are so many hot stuff and you buy a really racy pair in hot pink, imagining wearing them for your lover and how he’d enjoy slowly taking them off of you. And you end up buying a dozen other super-sexy pairs in different colors which will rot in your closet full of frilly stuff you have accumulated for ages, in the hopes of finally wearing them for your man one day. You end up wearing them anyways, under your tough corporate power-outfits where nobody sees them. 

You go to a mall and visit the pefume department. You love smelling samples of men’s colognes, fantasizing that you are smelling your lover’s neck as you laze about on a beach gazing at a spectacular sunset. And you end up buying men’s perfumes which you sometimes use just to feel like you have a lover who has left his scent on you.

You go watch a movie by yourself ’coz you hate watching with your friends. But it would be nice to have a guy wrap his arms around you inside a freezing moviehouse and whisper sweet-nothings in your ear. And you’d see a couple seated right infront of you doing just that. And you go misty-eyed, feeling that perpetual bittersweet longing even if the scene playing on the screen is the Kung Fu Panda getting his ass kicked.

You go to a wedding and you play the role of the maid of honor or some very important part for the nth time. You are a nice girl and so many folks want you to be part of their lives. You oblige them, even if you would rather take a rest from being the bridesmaid, maid of honor or ninang. It makes you sad somehow that you may not be able to invite anybody to do the same for you.

You go to a bar to have a few drinks. You’re not really the party girl type but you go anyway just to feel like you’re still in touch with the world. You buy yourself a drink and then you people-watch. Couples, couples, couples everywhere, dancing, smooching, holding hands. A guy would come up to you and he wants to buy you a drink. But his eyes say: “It’s not really for free, baby. Wanna have fun with me?” And you leave, feeling lonelier than when you came in.

You enter a church. You sit next to a couple who are, tough luck, holding hands! They are praying together, for more love and good health for their family. You listen to the priest and he talks about fidelity, loyalty, trust, honesty and faith in marriage. And you wanna laugh. You don’t know what he’s talking about. And you gaze at the countenance of God on the cross. You are almost ashamed to ask Him. But you do anyways. You ask him  to make you experience what the priest is talking about.

You walk in a park admiring the spectacular Christmas lights that line the pathways and decorate the trees. The sight would always bring tears to your eyes and all those hidden romantic fantasies would envelop you like a cloak, comforting and making you feel melancholic at the same time. How you wish you were walking with him, holding hands, enjoying the beauty of night Christmas.

You go back to your place and sit on your window gazing at the moon, wishing, wishing for someone out there to find you. ’Coz you’re tired of looking for him. You’re tired of praying for him. You wanna stop wishing for him.

You tell youself that you’re okay, that you’re alright on your own. You can take care of yourself, you will continue to exist on your own. You don’t need a lover and a mate. A great career is better than a lover. You feel pathetic. ’Coz you know deep inside that you’d give up everything just to have him walk into your life.

BREAK-UP BLUES # 1 (IPINAGPALIT AKO SA PANGIT! INSULTO MUCH!)

Break-ups are always bad. Lalo na sa mga babae. Lalong-lalo na sa mga Pinay.

Ang mga Pinay kasi, karamihan, martir. O, o wag agad umalsa ang mga balakubak ninyo diyan, mga lola. Kabago-bago pa lang ng article eh. Relax lang kayo diyan.

Oo. Martir ang mga Pinay.

Totoo ‘yan. Kumpara sa mga babae sa ibang bansa, ang mga babaeng Pinay ay pinalaki ng mga magulang na maging isang mabuting babae sa lalaking mapapangasawa nila. Na importante na mag-last ang marriage. Importante na ingatan ang sarili, meaning, as much as possible, wag isuko ang Bataan sa kung sino lang na Pontio Pilato diyan, at maghintay ng THE one, yung bigay ni Lord. So, karamihan sa mga Pinay ay talaga namang inirereserba ang virgininity sa lalaking pakamamahalin at hindi isinisuko sa high school prom bilang rite of passage into adulthood or yung nag-e-eksperimento lang sa sex.

Kaya naman kapag naisuko ang puri, puso at kaluluwa sa isang lalaki at bigla na lang siyang iniwan ng talipandas sabay sabi ng “I need space to find myself” bullshit, tang-inez, ansakit nun! Mahirap maka-move on ang mga babaing nag-invest ng mga ganung level sa kanilang BFs. Mas madaling maka-move on yung mga walang sex na nangyari.

Tapos ayun na.

Masisiraan na ng bait si lola. Yung iba pansamantala, yung iba, medyo matagal din magbabaliw-baliwan. Yung iba nga, name-mental hospital talaga.

 Ang gagawin niyan ay ii-stalk ang FB account ni Ex. Gagawa ng fake account or gagamitin ang old account at di bale ng magmukhang engot, tatanghod sa account ni Ex buong maghapon, araw-gabi, mag-aantay…mag-aantay…mag-aantay na merong ipo-post si Ex na tipong “I miss her” “Not used to her not being around” “Miss ko na luto niya” at kung ano-ano pang ka-echusan. Hoping much ang Lola na baka nagsisisi na si Ex na iniwan siya. Baka na-realize nito na hindi pala nito kayang mawala siya. Baka nahipan lang ito ng masamang hangin at natauhan na. Hoping…hoping…hoping…

Taz bilang bumulaga ang post ni Ex! Meron itong kasamang girl sa picture, answeet nila na nagho-holding hands pa! May caption pang “The reason I smile today.”

  Powtah!

Mumurahin mo siya mula balakubak niya sa anit hanggang kubal sa paa niya. Yung pagmamahal mo sa kanya eh napapalitan na ng galit. Kung pwede lang ibato ang bagong iphone6 na pinag-ipunan mo ng 3 sweldo eh. Unfeyr di ba? Ipo-post talaga sa account niya eh alam naman niyang baka makita mo? Wala man lang bang galang yun sa nararamdaman mo? Di ba, di ba?

Pagkatapos murahin si EX, heto na, babalingan mo na si “girl.” Yup, ni ayaw mo alamin ang pangalan ng bago ni Ex. “GIRL” lang talaga ang tawag mo sa kanya. She is not worth knowing. She is an insect. No, a worm. An ugly, fugly slug. No. A slut.

Tapos tititigan mo na ang mukha ni girl. Ibo-blowup mo ang picture niya at hahanapin ang mga pimples, ap-ap at bakukang niya sa mukha. Tapos kikilatisin mo na ang level ng byuti niya. Siyempre, hindi mo matanggap na mas maganda siya sayo ‘no! Pango ang ilong niya, pustiso yata ang ngipin niya, medyo duling siya, ang itim-itim pa! As in ampangit! Tapos di ka pa makuntento niyan. I-stalk mo na rin ang FB ni girl. Talagang gagawa ka ng fake account. At doon, iisa-isahin mo ang pics niya, kikilatisin mo lahat-lahat pati tabas ng kuko niya. Maitim ang kili-kili, yak, super-cheap ang color ng hair, parang ibinabad sa zonrox ang buhok. At ang bilbil, nag-body fit pa! Eww. Baduy, grabe! Chaka, as in chaka to the max!

  My gaz, ipinagpalit ako sa pangit na ‘yun na antaba?! I cannot believe it! Hindi ko matangap! Asan ang logic dun! Utang na loob, paki-explain! Hindi ko ma-gets! Ano pa ang hahanapin niya sa akin? Mabait ako, maganda, sexy, may trabaho, disente. Ipinagpalit ako sa babaing pangit, mataba at ka-cheapan!

Uhm..teka lang, te. Hindi ko rin ma-gets. Eh di ba ang ganda mo? As in ang ganda-ganda mo. Kung sa ideal woman pa, ikaw na yun. Kung sa contest pa, grand prize ka. So….bakit ka iniwan? Ang tanga naman ng ex mo no? Meron na siyang naminang ginto, naghanap pa ng tanso. Kumbaga naka-Iphone6 na siya, bumalik siya sa 3210?

  Eh bakit ako ang tinatanong mo? Hindi ko nga alam eh!

Hmmm, baka naman ilusyon mo lang na maganda ka. Ops, hwag ka naman agad mapikon diyan. Nagpapaliwanag lang ako. Alam mo kasi, kapag emotional tayo, nagiging irrational tayo. Dahil sa nasaktan nating puso, siyempre defense and coping mechanism natin ang pride. Pero dahil diyan, lahat na ng bagay na may kinalaman sa taong nakasakit sa atin ay pangit sa paningin natin.

 Kaya ang tingin mo sa new girl ni Ex ay female version ni Shrek (but I find Shrek cute and loveable) ay dahil lumalabas ang pagiging narcissist natin kapag nasaktan tayo o na-reject tayo.

 Pero kung i-a-analyze mo ang mga nangyari, simple lang naman yun. Yung bagong GF ni EX ay walang kinalaman sa yo. Bagong chapter na yun ng buhay niya. Nag-turn the page na siya sa Chapter 5, ikaw naiwan pa rin sa Chapter 2. Yung new love niya, hindi pangit yun sa paningin niya kundi dyosa sa ganda. Di ba, beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Kung baluga ang tingin mo dun sa girl, exotic ang tingin sa kanya ng mga blue-eyed hombres na kamukha ng crush na crush mong si Channing Tatum. Ayaw ng mga white guys ang mga babaing nilalagok ang glutathione o tinitira na parang heroine sa mga ugat. Gusto nila may kulay na balat. O ha, wag mapikon, nagsasabi lang ako ng true. Pero ang mga Pinoy naman ay mahilig sa mga labanos, so go lang sa gluta at maxi-peal, te. Okay ‘yan. Pero yun nga, ang ganda ay depende yan sa tumitingin. Don’t judge beauty by the skin tone. Saka wag masyado sa gluta kasi ang init-init na dito sa Pinas at habang pinapatay mo ang melanine sa balat mo, prone ka sa skin cancer, hala ka.

Kaya…tigilan na yang kai-stalk mo kay Ex. Move on na. Iniwan ka na, please naman, isalba na ‘yang natitirang dignidad mo sa sarili at tanggapin mo na na wala na kayo at hindi ka na niya gusto o mahal. Yun lang talaga ng gamot diyan sa baliw-baliwan phase mo. Acceptance.

 Lubayan mo na ang Instagram ni Ex. Tigilan mo na kapapadala ng hate mails at texts dun sa girl niya. Hindi mo mapapabalik si Ex mo sa ganyang paraan. Dahil kung babalik siya, hindi ka na niya iniwan in the first place. Naglalaro lang siya? Ikaw ang tototohanin niya in the end? Aba, payag ka nun, na pag half-time eh doon siya lumalandi sa cheerleaders? Tapos babalikan ka uli pag game na.  ‘Te naman, respeto sa sarili, asan na? Kapag ang lalaki di ka nirerespeto na hindi ka pa niya asawa, lalo ka niyang babastusin kapag asawa ka na niya. Bakit? Simple lang. Kung hindi siya natakot na gaguhin ka na hindi pa kayo kasal at pwede mo pa siyang iwan, ano pa kaya kung kasal na kayo at hindi mo na siya pwedeng basta iwan?

Kung saan ka nadapa, doon ka babangon? Te, utang na loob, panahon pa ni Jose Rizal ang motto na yan. Babarilin ka sa Luneta katulad niya, sige ka.

 Hindi ka nadapa. Natisod lang. Ang nadapa ay ‘yung nagpakasal talaga sa talipandas na lalaki sa kabila ng katarantaduhan nito. Iyong kumuha ng batong ipupukpok sa ulo habang-buhay. For life yun kasi walang divorce dito. Gusto mo nun? It’s a crime against humanity. Your humanity. Maawa ka sa future mo.

Kaya wag mo ng karerin na mapabalik mo sa ‘yo si Ex. ‘Yaan mo na yun.

Move on na, K?

 Yun.

PS. Maganda ka (sabi ng nanay mo), pero mas maganda kang tunay kapag maganda ang pakiramdam mo sa kalooban mo.

JANE, KING OF THE JUNGLE (published by Love Match)

Imagine this. He comes crawling to lick your toes at the snap of your fingers. He waits patiently for you to finally shift your attention to him. He asks you nicely and reverently what you want. You tell him and he listens and takes everything you tell him to heart. And he obliges all your wishes humbly with everything in him

A fantasy you might say. It doesn’t happen in the real world. But why can’t it happen? Why can’t we rule this planet for a change? We are certainly equipped for the task.

More often than not, even the most liberated Pinays settle for second or third best, not really their first choice of mates because they balk at the idea of actually pursuing their dream men like that- like a dream, like a goal, like an ambition. 

Society dictates that it is degrading to go after a man. It reeks of desperation. But when a man pursues a woman with typical male aggressiveness, he becomes more appealing to the opposite sex. The hunter gets his prey, as it should always be since time immemorial. Now, that has always been a major crime in Planet Venus. And the worst part there is we are the ones who uphold such crime by refusing to move away from that mold society has imprisoned us in, though no choice of our own. But now, for cying out loud, we already have it! The choice!

So you may ask yourself, why can’t I choose my mate? And why would my choice of a mate run from me when I decide to choose him? Shouldn’t he stay put and consider my proposal like a practical businessman? After all, I am offering him the best of me. The answer is yes, he damned well should! And by God, you would make him listen! 

We work so hard to make our individual marks in this world, to prove our worth. As independent women, we aim for financial stability, to have our dream house and car, to travel abroad, to get promoted at work. Not having any ambition is a crime to most modern Filipinas. 

So why not apply the same principle in getting the man of our dreams? Don’t we deserve to choose who we want to be with rather than wait for anybody who has the guts to approach us whom we don’t often like anyway- and go for whom we really want? Why does this privilege only favour the men when we can avail of this freedom if only we have the courage to be truly free?

Why don’t we become the hunter for a change? Yeah, the aggressor. The dominant species. The predator. The ruler of this planet!

Take this. A woman can achieve multiple orgasm. A man cannot. A woman can pro-create using only one sperm. Even with a healthy egg at hand, a man is not physically equipped to carry a life within his body. Eve made Adam bite the apple and caused the damnation of mankind. 

Come on, do we need more stats, ladies?

The planet is ours, actually, since the dawn of time. We have always been the stronger species. Never ever think that you owe anybody the right to be who you really are, what you want to be and what you want to have. 

Be yourself. Own your space. Set you sights on him, your 

perfect mate and say the magic words, Veni, Vidi, Vici. 

Go get him, girl!

PAANO BA MAPATINO ANG SIRA-ULONG BF?

MADALAS NA TANONG AFTER BREAK UP: Bakit nung kami, siraulo siya, tapos good boy na siya sa bago niya? 

LET’S DEFINE SIRA-ULO IN THIS CONTEXT. Mabisyo, kaliwete, hindi thoughtful, mabarkada, iresponsable sa pera, hindi mo makausap nang seryoso about sa future. Isa-isahin natin yang mga issues na ‘yan at ang kasabay na mga katangahan natin. Na naman? This place is about Ks, di mo alam? Or kung ongoing pa ang K mo, pwede kang matuto, o pwedeng carry lang until mauntog ka. Ika nga, a rolling stone has to stop rolling some time, somewhere. But mostly because it hit a fucking boulder or probably, the inertia just died a natural death (Napagod din sa wakas magpa-rolling-rolling nang walang direksiyon).

1.       Mabisyo — Booze? Ciggies? Dota? Lahat yan pwedeng maging karibal mo kay BF mo. Kung nasa highschool pa kayo or even college, malamang nagbibinata pa lang siya. Ang mga lalaki kasi, karamihan sa kanila, mas mabagal ang mental and emotional maturity kesa sa mga babae. May nabasa akong scientific study nyan noon pero di ko sure kung may  validity ba yun talaga, pero ayon na rin sa personal experiences ko sa aking kapatid, mga pinsan, mga kaibigan at mga kakilala, meron ngang ganun. Mas maagang nagseseryoso ang mga babae sa buhay kesa mga lalaki. Kaya kung gusto mo ng seryosohang relasyon, wag mong gawing isyu yan with him at such a young age, yung nag-aaral pa kayo o kaka-graduate pa lang. Malabong ma-meet niya ang expectations mo. Ang mabuti pa, i-focus mo sa mga future personal goals mo ang energy mo, yung hindi muna siya kasali sa mga plano mo. Kasi andami pa ninyong pwedeng ma-experience pa sa buhay bago magseryoso. Mag-eeksperimento pa yan ng kung anu-ano. It’s a macho thing for them, to gain a lot of manly experiences before settling down. Career muna siguro ang atupagin mo, yung peronsal ambitions mo. Be independent in your thinking at hindi nakadepende sa kanya ang seguridad at kaligayahan mo. Pag siya lang ang sentro ng buhay mo, patay na, lunod ka na. At pag nagsawa yan sa relasyon ninyo at naghanap ng bagong thrill, saan ka pupulutin niyan? For sure, sa kangkungan. Sabagay, masarap at masustansiya ang kangkong.

Kung matatanda na kayo at mabisyo pa rin…ipa-rehab mo na. Hindi na bisyo yan. Walang klase ng pagmamahal ang makakagamot niyan. Addiction na ‘yan. Or you can walk out. The fact na hindi niya inaayos ang buhay niya para sa mga mahal niya sa buhay is indicative of his selfishness. It’s really simple if you think about it. A man’s love will manifest in how he lives his life.

2.       Mabarkada— Heto girls, tandaan. Ang barkada ng BF ay mas nauna niyang nakilala kesa sa inyo. Hwag na hwag ninyo silang pamimiliin between you and the barkada. Maaring sa una ay pagbibigyan ang pagka-brat ninyo pero pag na-miss niyan ang barkada, the basketball games, the weekend inuman, the freedom, goodbye ka niyan. So, tread carefully around his barkada. Kung mababait naman sila, aba’y  why not join them na lang sa mga gimiks nila? That way mababantayan mo pa si BF. Pasimpleng pambabakod. Pero kung ang mga barkada niya ay mga walang kwenta, meaning puro hindi productive ang mga buhay, aba’y mag-isip ka. Tama ba ang pinili mong BF? Sabi nga, tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are. In most cases, this is true. Never ignore the early signs, no matter how in love you are. But then again, this is a futile warning to someone drunk with love. So okay, everyone is entitled to a first-time katangahan. Go, girl.

3.       Iresponsable sa pera — First job niya, gusto mo ng hawakan ang bank account niya, to make sure na maka-save kayo for the future. That’s a guaranteed deal-breaker, I tell you. Let him enjoy naman muna his earnings as an independent man. Oo, naroon na nauubos lang yun sa kakabili niya ng kung anu-anong mga walang wentang bagay, mga gadgets na madali niyang pagsawaan, etc, pero pera niya ‘yun. Wala ka pang legal na karapatan nun. Kahit pa ipahawak niya sa yo ang pera niya willingly, DON’T. It will put you both in a bind na hindi pa naman permanent. Pano kung nag-break kayo bigla? Eh di problema pa ang paghihiwalay ng name sa banko? Awkward moment times 100. So. Let him earn and spend his own money. Saka na kayo mag-joint account pag MR. & Mrs. na kayo. Ayun, may K (kontratang katibayan, girl) ka na para hawakan ang kaban, at hawakan mo yun at bantayan na tulad ng PSG. Maraming kawatan ng kaban ng may kaban sa paligid. Pag hawak mo ang kaban, malamang sa hindi, matino si Mister. Hihingi pa yan ng allowance sa yo para maka-gimik. Hehe.

4.       Hindi thoughtful —Eh ikaw ba, thoughtful? Hirap minsan sa ating mga babae, masyadong mataas ang expectations natin pero one-sided. Gusto natin, extra sweet si BF. Pero tayo, hindi naman ganun sa kanya. Napansin ko ang mga babae, mahilig magbigay ng test sa mga lalaki— tetestingin kung gaano siya kamahal ni BF by doing some really juvenile, irrational, ridiculous, okay, to put it simply, stupid antics para lang makuha ang atensiyon ni BF. Sa totoo lang, pasalamat ka lang kung mapasensiya si BF. Pero pag nagsawa yan, goodbye. Ang mga lalaki, mahilig sa mga malalambing na babae. Tanungin mo kahit sino diyang lalaki, hindi nawawala sa TOP 5 list nila ang “malambing.” It equals to maasikaso. Meaning, THOUGHTFUL. So, hwag i-demand ang isang bagay na hindi naman natin ginagawa. Golden rule, ring a bell?

Ngayon kung thoughtful ka sa kanya at siya ay hindi despite all your efforts from the beginning, hmmmm kelangan pa bang i-broadcast ang sagot sa TV? Hindi ka mahal niyan. WALK. OUT.

5.       Hindi seryoso kapag usapang “future.”— Sister, ang usapang “future” ay merong tamang panahon. Hindi yan dini-demand kay BF. Yung tipong, “Isali mo ako sa plans mo now, now now! That’s insecurity written in big bold letters and any guy will read it and get turned off. It will even give him the impression na ano ka, sorry to say, desperada OR worse, seguristang oportunista. Antayin mo siyang gawin yun nang kusa, pero bantayan mo rin kung talaga bang seryoso siya o dala lang din yun ng insecurities niya. Halimbawa gusto niya mag-joint account kayo, that’s like saying I’m including you in my future. But beware of the consequences brought in by “money matters.” Napakaraming pagkakaibigang matalik ang nasira dahil diyan. So be discerning din. Siguro, tulad ng sinabi ko, concentrate on you own personal plans. Show him BY EXAMPLE na ikaw ay nag-iisip ng pang-long term with sa kung sino mang maswerteng lalaking yun. Show him how you’re managing your finances by not being waldas here waldas there. Make him understand that it’s not necessarily him you’ll end up with. Kapag ganyan, the guy will think…”this is a woman I can entrust my future with. She can handle the wheel while I’m on leave or too weak to drive. She knows how to handle money, not high maintenance and is level-headed and smart.” Most guys look for these “BIGGER QUALITIES” in women they want to marry. Kung pang-syota (short time) ka lang sa metro nila, believe me, they have lower standards. Ouch? Truth always hurts.

6.       Kaliwete — Hmmm, walang gamot diyan. Walang justification ang ugaling ganyan.  Kung kaya mong tiisin na magmukhang tanga dahil sa pag-ibig at makipagkumpetensiya sa mga babae sa harem niya, choice mo ‘yan. Pero, walang makokoronahang Miss Universe diyan sa labanang yan. Puro lang kayo Miss Congeniality. For whose benefit? For the a-hole. Take it with a smile or walk out. Like, git!

Teka, akala ko ba, ang topic ay “bakit na siya good boy ngayon sa bago niya when bad boy siya nung kami?”

READ FROM THE TOP AND LEARN HOW TO TAME  OR KILL A BIG BAD WOLF SO THAT YOU WON’T BE CAUGHT DEAD RANTING “WHY OH WHY?!” A man respects a man’s man. A man’s man respects and more likely marries a woman who knows how a man becomes a man’s man.

Or here’s a wiser answer and it’s a cliché. But really, it is what it is. Plain and simple. “Some things were just not meant to be.”

Namaste, bitches.