Dominance and Submission (boyxboy)

For Mature readers only!

Enjoy.

Prologue.

Prologue

The oscillating ceiling fan did nothing to cool my heated flesh as I lay there, bound and at the mercy of my tormentor. I could feel the soft leather straps biting into my wrists as I pulled on them, twisting my body this way and that, as I tried to ease the discomfort in my aching member.

I pressed my thighs together, squeezing and rubbing, while knowing full well that it would achieve nothing. Not when the ring encircling the base of my cock prevented the release I so desperately craved. Groaning, I brought my chin to my chest so I could look at myself, and at the sight, my nipples tightened further. The small veins running from base to crown stood out against the length of my manhood, and the purpling mushroom head at the end of my pulsating shaft oozed pre-cum.

I sucked in a sharp breath when I felt the sting of the riding crop against the outside of my thigh; once, twice, then three times in rapid succession until I could only cry out from the pain/pleasure of it. I shifted away, but only slightly until he instructed me to remain still, and when he paused, I moaned at the sensation of the after burn on my smooth skin.

He ran the leather tip of the crop along my sensitive flesh, passing it over the top of my thigh and grazing along the soft flesh inside. I wanted to move, to squirm, anything, but his command was clear and I was a good boy. When he ran the tip along the hardened rod between my legs, my toes curled and my quiet panting sounded harsh to my own ears.

The more he rubbed, the faster my panting became, and when he discarded the crop all together and I felt his large hands pushing my legs even further apart, I whimpered. He said nothing as the pads of his fingers danced over my inner thigh, moving up, and up until finally, a finger settled on that tight ring of muscle nestled between my cheeks….

…………………………………………………..

I shook my head to clear it, bringing my attention back to the present. I quickly snapped the small box shut and stuffed it into the bag, then picked up the cup of steaming black coffee and handed it over to the customer with a smile.

I was a mess. I couldn’t focus on anything but the events of the night before, of the feeling of being dominated by the gorgeous stranger who had taken me to his home, and burned sensations I now craved into my mind.

I’d had great sex before, I knew what it felt like to be brought to heights that not many got the chance to experience, and last night was no different…except that after he had taken me, again and again until we were both satisfied, he had had wrapped himself around me, holding me close instead of expecting me to leave right away.

 It had been a strange feeling for me after a night of wild sex, and he’d further surprised me my promising to take me home this morning. It was that very reason I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

For so long I’d been searching for something I had never had; a life with someone who cared for me, someone I could submit to, who would love me with a firm hand, who could satisfy my deepest desires while easing my worries with but a few words, and after last night’s stranger had treated me like more than just a warm place to stuff his dick, I found myself wanting more.

To be collared, to be loved…to live the way I’d only dreamed. Every day the need ate at me, and ate at me until it was all I could think about, but men these days only wanted someone they could tie up and fuck until they got their release. I sighed and picked up the cloth I would use to wipe up the spilled milk on the counter.

It had felt different with the guy last night, and I cursed myself for not getting his name, or better yet his number. I glanced up at the clock above the stove and bit my lip. Four hours ’till closing time and already, I was itching to get to the bar, hoping I would see the stranger again. Yet worried that I wouldn’t. After all, I’d visited the bar every week for almost a year now and it was the first time I’d ever seen him.

 When another order went up, I turned toward to the expresso machine and forced myself to focus on the work at hand.

                                                                 AUTHOR’S NOTES

THOUGHT I’D GIVE YOU GUYS A LITTLE TREAT. UNFORTUNATELY I WON’T BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU REGULAR UPDATES ON THIS BOOK UNTIL MY BOOK ‘A VAMPIRE’S MARINE’ HAS BEEN COMPLETED, SO FEEL FREE TO ADD THIS TO YOUR READING LISTS, OR GO CHECK OUT ANY OF MY OTHER BOOKS WHILE YOU WAIT.

THANKS FOR READING AND KEEP SWEET!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 1: Turning heads

Chapter 1

Damion

I knew it the moment he entered the bar. Not because of the many heads that turned his way when he came in and not because of the whisper of his name on the lips of the big guy sitting next to me. It was just that he carried with him a certain aura-a presence that a person just couldn’t ignore and it was clear from the audience he was getting that others felt it too.

The boy was perfection; simply put. He came to a stop in the center of the room, looking around the place as though he were in search of someone. I watched him shift to glance past the bodies blocking his view and smiled when he stood on his tiptoes, attempting to look over the heads of some of the patrons as he scanned the crowd.

The boy was everything a Sub could hope to be and every Dom’s wet dream. It was no wonder he turned heads; but I thought it was the fact that he was completely oblivious to the effect he had on people that made him so completely irresistible.

While he stood there I took the time to appreciate the view. His gorgeous black curls framed his small face, but not so much so as to hide his big blue eyes-eyes that had looked at me with so much trust and hope and awe just the night before. Eyes that had sent a wave of tenderness washing over me as they’d watched my every move with interest and longing. Eyes that were no doubt searching for me in the crowd.

My gaze traveled lower, to his slender frame. He was small. If he were a woman they’d call him petite. I grinned; small and slender, with skin smooth like alabaster, only marred by the faint scars across his back that he had tried desperately to hide from me the night before. I remembered how his face had turned red when I’d spotted them and how he’d closed his eyes tight and bit his lip when I’d trailed my hands over each of them in turn.

They were the consequence of whips and blows delivered without training-without finesse from a Dom who should have known better. I was certain that I’d made him forget them; if only for just that night.

I swirled the golden liquid around in my glass before taking a sip, my eyes never leaving him as I did so. He bit his lip and I bit back a groan. I could still hear his whimpers, his moans and when I’d told him to be quiet-his every in-drawn breath and low panting. I’d wrung everything from him last night and he’d let me.

Pancakes ; that was his safe word; because he loved them he’d told me shyly when I’d asked. I smiled at the memory. There was just something about him; about the way he spoke and carried himself that would make anyone want to reach out and take control. Reach out and protect.

He was submissive through and through; Not just during sex. It was in his nature and it called to me like nothing else had before.

When I’d first spotted him last night I’d felt everything I was feeling now; I knew that I wanted him, but I’d also known it would be a mistake. Guys like him needed much more than a roll in the sack. Guys like him were screaming for love and care and I couldn’t give that. I didn’t have it in me and I wasn’t asking for it. Last night as I’d battled with my mind and my urges I’d told myself I wouldn’t take him. I’d find someone else who wanted what I wanted; No strings, no need; just sex and my very special need to dominate.

It was just too bad that no one else could cut it. No one here stood out like he did-lowering his eyes unconsciously when he was approached by a patron and fidgeting with his fingers when someone spoke to him, because he was so shy.

No one could match up last night and knowing what I knew about him now and knowing how it had felt to have him in my arms throughout the night; no one else mattered.

I wanted him again; on his knees, then in my bed and when his eyes finally found mine through the crowd and his face flushed with recognition, I knew he wanted the same.

I smiled and his blush deepened, but he didn’t move, as though waiting for some signal from me that it was okay to approach. So I beckoned him over with a simple nod of the head and he came.

I watched the man behind him-who had been about to tap him on the shoulder-deflate when he moved out of his reach and when he looked up and saw just where the boy was headed he frowned; then frowned some more because I’d taken away his prize.

Now he was my prize; at least for another night.

“Hi.” He greeted softly when he came to stand before me and without glancing away from him I gestured to the half nude bartender.

“Tell him what you want.” I offered and he went bright red as he looked first at me then at the bartender and back.

To me and not the bartender he said; “Coke?” and when I nodded at the guy he went to do my bidding.

The boy-no he wasn’t just the boy . He had a name; Cam he’d told me. Cam was fidgeting with his hands again, looking over the counter at the bartender who was returning with his drink. It was as though he were too shy to look at me, but he did when I asked him to sit on the stool beside me our eyes met briefly. I was caught by the sight of his big blues.

He thanked the man when the drink was delivered, then he thanked me, but didn’t take a sip…instead, he let his hand rest loosely around the glass.

He was watching me; but his eyes were trained somewhere about my forehead.

“Were you late for work this morning?” I asked and he shook his head.

“No…I got there in time.” He told me, then with only brief hesitation. “Thank you for taking me home.”

This was probably the fourth time he’d told me. The first time had been just right after he’d jumped out of my bed early this morning; afraid he’d be late for work. When I’d offered to take him home he’d politely refused, but when I’d insisted he’d thanked me in almost shocked surprise. Then he’d thanked me when we’d gotten into my car and thanked me again when I’d pulled up before his apartment. So yes, four times and I thought it was sweet.

“No problem.” I took a sip of my drink and he watched me in that quiet innocent way that was neither a game nor a ploy. I wondered why somebody hadn’t just swept him up already. Why was he coming to gay bars alone and hooking up with strangers when so many men were already craving the chance to grab a guy like him?

It was what I wanted to ask but in the end I decided it really wasn’t any of my business, so instead my question was; “Have you always been this shy?”

He was silent for a moment before he shrugged. “Yeah I think so.” When his eyes caught mine though, he quickly added. “But I’m gonna sign up for this class where they help people with public speaking. The lady there said it’ll help.”

It was like he was trying to reassure me. “There’s nothing wrong with being shy, I’m just curious.”

This time he smiled; a small upturn of his lips that forced his dimples into being and I felt the unwelcome but unavoidable tightening in my chest. He was already growing on me and I’d only known him for a single night.

I cleared my throat and took another sip of my drink. “So…tell me a little bit about yourself Cam.”

His brows raised. “Really?”

“Yeah, tell me what makes you you.” I didn’t know why I was asking when I wasn’t even interested; but I did and I was and I couldn’t help myself.

Maybe I was worried for nothing. This was a passing fancy. A few more nights of him in my bed and he’d be out of my system, so what could a simple conversation hurt?

“Um… I work at this really nice diner. Sometimes I’m the cashier, but most times I serve the orders.” He began hesitantly. “I’m not a waiter or anything. I just serve the stuff behind the counter…most times.” He reiterated.

“I smiled. “Is that it?”

“No…I-I like swimming and pancakes.” He blushed. “And sometimes I play badminton.”

I nodded. “And why are you here?” I gestured at our surroundings. “Why do you come here?”

He frowned, looking momentarily confused. “The same reason everybody comes here I guess.”

“And what reason is that?”

I wanted to hear him say it.

He shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable “I don’t know, to meet people?”

“Is that a question?’ I asked with a chuckle and he blushed.

“To meet people.” He said with certainty now and I grinned.

“Or is it just because you like to be fucked?” my words were low and intentional and despite the atmosphere, despite knowing everyone’s true intentions and despite his obvious experience, he blushed and glanced around; as if embarrassed by my words.

I hooked a foot around the legs of his stool and pulled it closer. Close enough that he could look nowhere but at me when I spoke.

“Did you like being fucked last night?” I questioned softly and not surprisingly, he tried to look away. Alone he would have answered immediately, but here, before the world he was afraid.

“Cam.” I said and he looked at me, his eyes filled with desire and his lip trapped between his teeth.

“Yes?”

I reached out and ran a finger along his chin.

“Yes what?”

He hesitated. “Y-Yes…sir?” his reply was soft and breathless and I could practically taste his arousal as I looked at him.

I held out a hand, palm up. “Come home with me.”

He took it without hesitation and after paying for our drinks, I pulled him along with me through the envious crowd and out the door.

He came without a word.

                                                           AUTHOR'S NOTES

LET’S GET THIS STORY STARTED!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 2: Eager to please…

Chapter 2 

 You could learn a lot from a man during a twenty minute drive across town. It all came down to the way he carried himself. Did he fumble and fidget? Did he keep up mindless chatter or try to fill the silence with small talk? Did he gaze through the window with his chin propped in his hand or did he put his legs up on the dash and make himself comfortable?

It also all came down to the words he spoke. Was it intelligent conversation or was it simply about the weather? Did he speak about himself or did he want to know about your life? There was a reason for everything a person did, no matter how small and no matter whether they knew it or not. Your actions in close proximity to another person for any period of time housed aspects of your personality even if it was just in some small way. Your manner could exude confidence, anxiousness or even uncertainty and no matter how hard you tried to cover it up with a façade of nonchalance or seemingly easy banter, I could read you in a heartbeat.

I could read people. It was something I did as a game when I was a kid and it was something I did without thinking as an adult. It helped to know those around you. It helped to understand them, because that knowledge could be advantageous in more ways than you could imagine.

The night before we’d been so eager and desperate for release that I’d overlooked a lot about him. There was no time to just observe, but now in the silence, I only had my mind to dictate my actions—so I observed, and ten minutes into the ride, what I’d learned about Cam was significantly less than I usually did with others during the same length of time.

He bit his lip often and kept his hands locked together firmly in his lap, which spoke of his nervousness and of course his anxiety, but his shoulders contradicted my conclusion. They were too relaxed with not an ounce of tension. His breathing was also under control and not once since he’d strapped on his seat-belt had he glanced through the window. Instead, his eyes were on me.

He watched me with the focus of a hawk on his prey; but it wasn’t with thirst, hunger or even desire. It was just bald curiosity—nothing more, nothing less. He spent a time watching just my face—his eyes roaming over every inch of it as though he were taking in my every expression; even where there was none. Then he watched my hands— he watched them on the wheel, he watched them on the gear-stick and he watched when I ran one through my hair.

I think what surprised me about his staring wasn’t necessarily the fact that he stared, but the fact that he stared without caution. He didn’t sneak glances or take a quick turn in my direction. Instead, he was completely relaxed against the seat, with his head turned boldly my way.

It completely went against the profile of him I’d already built in my mind. This wasn’t the shy boy from the bar. Now that we were far away from prying eyes, he was bolder and I was intrigued.

He was like a child, watching with abandon—his big eyes taking everything in without judgment. What was even more uncharacteristic was the way his cheeks dimpled whenever I glanced over at him. There was no quick averting of his eyes or blood rising to his cheeks, he just watched and smiled and bit his lip and crushed his hands together and I just couldn’t read him.

I frowned. The boy was an enigma. Then I smiled; this should be interesting.

Ten minutes later we were standing in my dining room as I watched him look around; he hadn’t had much of a chance to do it the night before after all. 

“You want anything to drink or—”

He shook his head before I could finish—his curls rearranging themselves around his face.

I took a step closer so that I was standing directly in front of him and when I brushed a lock out of his face, he looked up at me.

“First rule.” I began. “You don’t shake your head when I ask you a question.”

He turned red—eyes darting away from my face and to the floor. “Yes sir.”

I didn’t get the opportunity to ask the night before, so I took the time to do it right then. “How long have you played in the scene?”

His gaze skittered to mine and away again. “Um…almost three years?”

“Are you asking or are you telling me?”

“Almost three years.” He said firmly. “…sir.”

I nodded and took a step back. “Strip.”

There was no hesitation as he reached up and pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor by his feet and his fingers were sure as he bent to pull off his shoes then free his belt.

I was learning about him; trying to understand what I couldn’t on the ride over here and so I watched him carefully, taking note of his flushed skin and his red face.

He blushed a lot. It was something that had been on my mind ever since he’d woken up in my bed this morning and it just wouldn’t go away. He was shy; I understood that. But three years of playing the scene should have at least erased this particular shred of innocence shouldn’t it?

When he stood naked before me I swallowed hard. God he was beautiful. I’d learned every inch of his body last night, but seeing him like this again was like seeing him for the first time—smooth and soft and perfect.

I felt the tightening in my pants as my eyes skated down his body and I felt myself go hot when they passed over his already turgid member.

“On your knees.” I ordered and he went down without a word. He placed his hands on his slightly parted thighs and kept his head down the way he’d clearly been taught. I circled him slowly, taking in every naked inch of his body in my scrutiny and he didn’t make a sound. There were marks on his hips where I’d gripped him the night before and others on his upper arms and thighs. His skin displayed my marks well; a fact which I’d delighted in the night before.

Again I wondered why he was here and not tied up and collared in some adoring dom’s bed. He was a catch to all the men out there looking to settle down with a boy like this, so why was he visiting bars every other night looking to get laid by a bunch of strangers.

Here he was kneeling right in front of me, ready to take whatever I wished to give him and this was what was on my mind.

So I asked him. “Is this really what you want?”

“Yes sir.” Came his hurried reply and I smiled despite myself.

“No.” I said, moving to stand before him. “I mean is this what you want? Hanging out in bars every other night, letting strangers take you home. Never settling down?”

“Look at me.” I commanded and when he did, I watched the uncertainty and indecision cross his face. His brows furrowed and he took his time thinking about it before he finally gave me his hesitant answer.

“Um…Yes sir?”

I frowned. “You sure about that?”

More hesitation. “Yes?”

My frown deepened. There was rarely a time when he gave an answer that wasn’t phrased as a question. It was as if he were trying to give the answers he knew I wanted to hear. Like he was trying to please me rather than tell me what he was really feeling.

I ran a hand over my chin and watched him as he watched me. I decided to test my theory.

“What are your hard limits?”

Again he seemed to think about it, then when I raised a brow in question, he took a shaky breath. “I can do anything.” He said. “It doesn’t matter what you—”

His answer was more upsetting than I thought it would be.

“What. Are. Your. Hard limits?” I asked firmly and I watched him practically shrink right in front of me and I felt like a jackass for being harsh with him.

“I can do anything you want sir.” He mumbled with his eyes firmly planted to the ground.

I looked toward the ceiling as a chilling thought occurred to me, then I ran a hand over my face and shook my head.

The next time I moved it was to pull out a chair which I set right beside him. “Sit.”

Without a word he was off the ground and seated in the chair I’d offered. He sat hunched over with his hands clasped tight in his lap, right over his now flaccid penis.

I stood before him. “Haven’t you ever talked about your hard limits with the other’s you’ve been with?”

He began to shake his head, then seemed to think better of it and spoke instead. “No sir.”

Jesus.

“Do you like to feel pain?”

He nodded. “Yes sir.”

“Do you like being whipped?”

“Yes sir.”

“Flogged?”

“Yes sir.”

“What about breathplay?” I questioned, though it was something I never practiced on my subs.

That was when the hesitation came and his answer was less sure. “Y-Yes?”

I closed my eyes and released a slow breath. Answering with a question again, which meant the boy would say anything as long as he thought it was what I wanted to hear. He was too eager to please. In fact, he was desperate.

I knew the answer to the next question before I asked it. “Have you ever used your safeword with anyone before?”

“No sir.”

Which probably meant that the scars he was so embarrassed about, were there because he’d failed to use them? That, and the dom had been inept enough to think Cam could handle it.

“Why not?” I questioned him further. “Hasn’t anyone ever reached the point where you just wanted them to stop?”

“I can take it.” he was quick to reassure; his eyes wide and beseeching.

“That’s not what I asked Cam.”

This time he didn’t answer. I watched as he twisted his hands together, squeezing them tighter and tighter, but he didn’t respond and with a curse, I pulled out another chair and dropped into it.

He might have had a submission nature, but the man sitting before me was not a trained submissive.

I ran a hand over my eyes. How the fuck did I get myself into this mess ?

We sat there for ten minutes in complete silence. My mind was reeling. Yesterday he’d told me what he’d liked and I’d given it to him. There had been no reason to discuss his hard limits then because we had both been too rushed and eager to get into anything heavy. A few slaps here and there had been the extent of our play and I hadn’t planned on seeing him again anyway, but now…now… I didn’t even know what now .

He was an untrained man, so eager to please his master that he would willingly take any abuse. How fucked up was that ?

A sub like this was trouble. He would be too easy to take advantage of and two damn easy to hurt. A sub like this needed to be trained by a skilled dom who understood his way of thinking. A sub like this needed to be protected…at least until he understood just what it all meant and Cam didn’t understand…not by a long shot.

Had it been anyone else I’d have told him to give up the scene, the lifestyle and everything that went with it before he really got hurt, but if I knew anything about Cam (and I knew enough), then it wasn’t something he could just give up. It was a part of him and because of who he was, it was something he needed.

“I should take you home.” I said into the silence and when he glanced up at me, his expression was of such devastation that for a second I could only stare.

I should, but it wouldn’t be right. If I let him loose without some instruction there was no telling what kind of problems he could get caught up in. He had to be taught that bdsm was not just about how well one party could submit and how well the other could dominate. It was a give a take relationship and each dom had a duty to see to the needs of his sub. The sub decided what he could handle and the dominant had the responsibility of keeping within his limits. This is what Cam didn’t understand and this was what he needed to be taught.

“It doesn’t matter who your dom is Cam, it’s your choice what happens to you. It’s your choice how far you take it and if whoever is responsible for you can’t live by your choices then it’s not a situation you want to stay in.” I told him and while he watched me, he didn’t respond positively.

This was a boy who’d had three years on the scene with no one to explain it to him. Whatever he’d learned in that time wouldn’t be easily erased.

I sighed.

“Do you want me to take you home?”

He shook his head. “No sir.”

I nodded. He’d chosen me to take the lead and I’d accepted, so knowing what I knew now meant that I had the duty to see to it that he left my care with understanding. It meant that I couldn’t let him go without making sure he would never be taken advantage of again.

It meant I had to train him.

“Look at me.” I commanded and he did.

Look at him . How did you hurt somebody so sweet? Somebody who only wanted your attention?

I shook my head. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t help him. I would train him and when he was ready to be thrown back out into the world of bondage and discipline and all the other wonderful perks, I’d let him go with the knowledge that I’d done some good.

I stood and held out a hand. For a brief moment he only looked at it and then with just the slightest hesitation, he took my hand and allowed me to lead him across the room—where I turned out the lights—and finally up the stairs.

The first thing I would teach him was that sometimes having someone be gentle with you was okay.    

                                                                                  AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

KEEP SWEET!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 3: Letting go.

Chapter 3

He stood by the bed watching me as I stripped off my clothes, allowing them to fall to the floor at my feet. His eyes followed my every movement, but he didn’t move a muscle. Instead, he stood there naked in all his innocence, his hands at his sides and his lower lip trapped between his teeth, causing his dimples to make an appearance.

When I walked over to stand before him, he tilted his head up so he could look at my face. A trained sub would have known to lower his eyes in the presence of his master; but then that was the problem wasn’t it? He was untrained…painfully innocent to a world I knew like the back of my hand.

He flinched when I lifted my hand, then seemed to relax when I only ran it slowly through his hair. He was expecting to be hurt. He probably always did. I frowned and it was only when he saw it that he lowered his head and his gaze. I ran my hand down from his curls, past his cheek and came to a stop under his chin, where I tilted it up so he could look at me. His eyes were wide with expectation and something else…dread? Uncertainty? Nervousness? I couldn’t tell.

“We won’t be using any aids tonight.” I told him.

“Yes sir.” Came his hushed reply. Tonight it would just be us. No whips, no floggers, no objects between us. It would just be my flesh against his as I showed him how a sub should really be treated.

“Kiss me.” I commanded and after only the briefest hesitation, he went on his tiptoes and did just that.

Like everything else, he wasn’t very well practiced in the art of kissing. He was hesitant and timid and clearly unsure of what to do with his hands. What this told me was that they simply fucked him and left…I doubted he’d experienced much foreplay, if any at all; Just another misdeed to add to the list.

I placed my hand on the back of his neck and guided him. His lips were soft and moist and I brushed them with my own before suckling first on one, then another. I was thorough and by the time I was done with them, they were red and supple.

I pulled away briefly to look at him. His eyes were closed and his lips slightly parted. I felt the heat roll through me and I pulled him closer and kissed him deeply, reveling in the feel of it when his hands came to rest hesitantly on my chest. When I pulled back seconds later it was only to swipe my tongue across his lower lip and I caught him when he swayed toward me.

He was much shorter now that he was no longer balancing on the tip of his toes, so I lifted him completely off the ground, deposited him in the center of the bed and hovered over him; my knees on either side of his legs. By now he was watching me again, but his lids were slightly parted and his face was flushed. I stroked his cheek and they drifted closed.

 When I captured his lips again, a soft, half-moan, half whimper escaped him. I pressed him into the sheets, my hot flesh against his as I continued to tease his lips. I brushed mine against his, I licked, I suckled and nibbled, before finally sliding my tongue into his mouth, allowing our tongues mingle and flick and play. He moaned and his hips bucked against mine; once, twice, three times, before I reached down and stayed him with my hand. When I pulled away again he was breathless and his lips were swollen.

I leaned close and kissed the spot just below his ear and he shivered, so I kissed it again and he all but melted in my arms. He turned his head to allow me access as I trailed faint kisses down his neck, over his shoulders and across his chest until I took one rosy nipple into my mouth. He gasped and arched his back slightly off the bed as I sucked it and grazed it with my teeth. When I moved on to the next, his fingers were biting into my biceps and his breath came in quick pants.

The next time I pulled away, it was to reach for the lube and a condom from the side table. He watched me as I dropped them on the bed beside us and when I ran my hands down his legs and gripped his ankles to part them, his eyes drifted to the ceiling. His sex was firm and ready between his legs and I ran my hands on the inside of his thighs, and around his turgid organ, without ever actually touching him. Every time my hands drifted close, he toes would curl and his hips would rise, but still I continued to tease. I wanted him to feel me on every inch of his body. I wanted to fill his senses and excite him to a point he’d ever felt before.

I wanted him to learn that a sub was meant to feel pleasure too and that it was okay to be taken care of. Soon there wasn’t an inch of his body that I hadn’t touched. My hands went everywhere and his body reacted to every rub, every pull, every scrape. He writhed beneath me despite his clear attempts at controlling himself. By the time I gripped the backs of his thighs and pushed his legs further apart, he was oozing pre-cum and his breathing had become ragged.

I picked up the lube and squeezed it into my hands, then I listened to his panting as I prepared him with my fingers. He wanted this, he was almost desperate for it and I prolonged his torture just to watch him squirm and pant and whimper. It was beautiful to watch.

When I slipped on the condom, I entered him swiftly and he sucked in a sharp breath. I paused, allowing him to adjust and soon I was riding him slowly but thoroughly, pushing deep inside him and pulling almost all the way out, only to plunge back in without pause.

He couldn’t hold back his reaction anymore and soon the room was filled with his cries of pleasure. When he arched his back, I bit his shoulder. When he gripped my arm, I sucked his neck. When he sucked in a breath, I covered his lips with mine.

He took everything I gave him and reacted to ever slap of my body against his. The shy boy had lost his control and it was a sight to behold as I took him again and again and again. When I gripped his wrists and trapped them above his head, the rise and fall of his hips grew faster as though he were trying to pull me deeper into him. He spread his legs wider and I took everything he offered; fucking him into the mattress until he was tossing his head from side to side.

He was vocal in his pleasure and I loved every second of it. I sucked his hardened nipple into my mouth and he cried out when I bit down gently. After that I couldn’t keep a steady pace. I rode him fast and ground into him hard and when I finally released his wrists to maintain balance while I thrusted, his small arms wrapped around my neck and he pulled my head down beside his. This is what took me over the edge and with a shout I found my hot, sticky release, just as he found his. When I was empty and satiated, I pulled out of him carefully and rolled off him so I wouldn’t crush him with my weight.

I removed the rubber and climbed out of bed.

“Stay here.” I told him and padded into the bathroom not far away. I made quick work of disposing of it and cleaned myself with one rag before grabbing another and running it under warm water.

When I reentered the room Cam was sitting up and staring at me as I approached; his expression was uneasy. I sat beside him and he watched in clear surprise as I used the rag to wipe him clean. He watched me in silence, his eyes fixed on my face rather than my hands, but when I offered him a smile, he looked away.

“Are you okay?” I asked him after I dropped the rag on the floor by the bed and he nodded quickly, but I could already sense what was coming as he blinked rapidly and his face grew red. I reached over and turned out the lamp, before draping the covers over us both and wrapping him in my arms.

I pulled him close until his forehead was resting against my chest and even though I couldn’t see his face, I could tell he was fighting it. I ran a hand through his curls and with the other I rubbed his back.

“It’s okay Cam.” I told him finally and it was only then that the dam broke.

He shook against me as his body was wracked with raw, miserable sobs and I did nothing but lay there and give him the chance to let go. It told me just how deprived he was that just one simple act of kindness, one single moment of tenderness could affect him in this way and I felt sorry for him.

“It’s okay.” I told him as I rubbed his back, but it was as though he’d had years of pain and locked away emotions stored inside, because it wasn’t okay and he sobbed and shook and all I could do was let it happen.

It was a while before the dam tapered off and when he had let out everything in him, he fell asleep.

I felt raw with anger as I lay there; wondering at the bastards who hadn’t made it their duty to care for him. He was a sub desperate for attention and affection. Any fool could see it. Any fool could tell he only wanted to be taken care of, but then any fool could also find it easy to take advantage of him and they certainly did; every single one of them. I hugged him closer to me.

How did you see Cam with his big eyes and all his eagerness and innocence and think to hurt him? How could you see him with his timidity and trusting character and not want to wrap him up and make sure he was protected?

I pulled the covers up and over his shoulder and laid my head against the pillow.

As my mind reeled, I listened to his soft, even breathing and soon I was asleep myself.

……………………………………………

There was one other thing that I learned about Cam that night; he hogged the covers…no..he hogged the whole bed. When he’d pulled the covers away for the third time, I let him have it and watched tiredly as he curled himself under them and slept without worry. If he wasn’t curled like a fetus in the center of the bed, he was spread out like a starfish, with one arm draped over my face and one leg draped over my hip. 

If I shifted to give him room, his body was automatically drawn to mine. If I rolled him to the other side of the bed, he eventually found himself nestled against my back and when I visited the bathroom at some point in time, when I reentered the room, it was to find him lying horizontally, leaving no realistic space for me to fit comfortably.

I remember being kicked in a spot I shouldn’t have been kicked, hit in the back of my head and used as a pillow when he’d accidentally pushed his off the bed. There was a point where I seriously considered tying him down, but in the end I was too tired to move and so I did the next best thing; I pulled him toward me, wrapped him firmly and securely in my arms and tucked the covers around us both so he couldn’t get away.

It was only then that I managed to get some sleep and by the time morning came, I felt like I hadn’t yet gone to bed.

…………………………………………………..

I woke up early enough to make breakfast, giving him an extra hour of sleep before I trudged up to the bedroom to wake him. He was in the same position I’d left him in earlier; curled around my pillow with the covers drawn up to his neck. If a man weren’t careful, he could get used to the sight of this. I moved to sit on the bed beside him and shook him gently.

“Wake up Cam.” I called, but he only mumbled something under his breath and pulled the covers over his head.

I chuckled. “Come on, wake up.” I pulled them back down to reveal his sleeping face, then ruffled his curls, causing him to frown in his sleep.

“You’re gonna be late for work.”

That did the trick. He was sitting up so fast it made my head spin.

I watched him glance around the room as though it were an unfamiliar place, then recognition hit when he saw me and he blushed red.

“Morning.” I greeted with a smile.

“Morning.” Came his shy mumble and I stood before handing him a spare toothbrush and a washcloth.

“Go freshen up and come downstairs for breakfast.” I told him and crossed the room.

When I looked back it was to see him peeling himself out of the layers of covers he’d managed to trap himself in.

Downstairs I gripped the coffee mug in my hands, letting the heat seep into my fingers. If I got the chance to sleep for another week it still wouldn’t make a difference, I was dead tired. It didn’t help that I’d be pulling the nightshift at work tonight and I’d be spending the day trying to be a good uncle at my niece’s birthday party.

When Cam entered the kitchen fifteen minutes later, he was wearing the clothes he’d come in last night. I’d scooped them up from the ground this morning and set them in the bedroom chair. His hair was damp and he smelled like my favorite shampoo.

He came to sit on the stool by the counter in front of me and I couldn’t help but stare when his glittering eyes turned my way and a huge smile lit his face.

“You made pancakes.” He said as though it were the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. I could only nod as he picked up his fork and dug in.

He didn’t speak, but he was an enthusiastic eater and when I pushed a mug of coffee his way, he took it with another one of those happy grins. It completely transformed his face. If I’d thought he was perfect before then when he smiled like that he was outstanding.

“You should smile more.” I told him and as expected his blushed and gave his food his full focus.

I watched him eat his blueberry pancakes as I sipped my second cup of coffee and thought of how difficult it would be to train someone as damaged as he was.

“Are you a chef?” he asked me after he took the last bite and I was surprised that he was actually initiating a conversation.

“No, I’m a Firefighter.” I told him and watched as his eyes widened in awe.

“Listen Cam.” I began. It was time to get into the meat of the matter. “I want to train you.” I told him.

His brows furrowed. “Train me?”

“Yes. I want to teach you all about this lifestyle. I want you to understand what it means to be a submissive and the kind of dominant you need in your life.”

“B-but I know what it means.” He rebutted with a frown.

“Then tell me what it means.” I countered and he bit his lip.

“It means I have to be good and my master will take care of me.”

He said it with certainty. Such a simple philosophy. I shook my head.

“It’s a give and take relationship between two consenting adults. Each has to be comfortable with the other and each has to recognize the other’s limits. A dominant’s job is to provide his submissive with what he needs, but only while acting within the limits that the submissive sets. He has a responsibility toward his sub and he shouldn’t ever cross a line.”

Cam was silent as I said this, but I could see that he was listening so I continued. “A dominant’s job is to make his sub feel safe and happy while they’re together and it’s a sub’s job to speak up if he’s uncomfortable with something and to submit totally to his dom.”

“I submit.” He mumbled and I almost smiled.

“Yes, but you’re afraid to speak up. If someone crosses the line with you, you let them know. You DO NOT stay in an abusive situation, no matter how much you think it will please your master. Your job isn’t to sit by and take whatever he gives you. You’re in control of everything he does to you, not the other way around.”

“I don’t want to be in control.” He said and I took a breath. He wasn’t getting it.

“The fact of the matter is, I can’t let you back out there the way you are now. You’ll get hurt and I can’t live with myself if you do.”

“Okay.” He continued uncertainly.

“I’m asking if you’ll let me train you.”

“You mean…you… want to me my master?”

“Yeah…at least until I’m comfortable with how much you understand and of course only if that’s what you want.”

“Yes… I want that.” The happy grin was back and I was quick to reiterate my earlier spoken words.

“But just until you’re trained. It’s not forever, do you understand?”

He nodded quickly, but the grin was still there.

“If we’re going to do this though, it means it’s just us. You don’t hook up with anyone else in the meantime. Are you okay with that?”

“I can do that.”

I nodded. “Okay. Good.” For a moment we sat in silence, just staring at each other and I cleared my throat and stood.

“I’ll take you home now so you won’t be late for work. We can hash out the details later.”

He hopped off the stool, looking far more excited than he had any reason to be…but for whatever reason, I liked knowing that I was the one who’d put that twinkle in his eyes. It felt like some major accomplishment.

“If you have any questions you can ask and it’s your choice if you want to stop at any time.”

He nodded, “I have a question.”

Progress . “Shoot.”

“What’s your name?”

                                              AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

KEEP SWEET!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 4: Rebirth

Chapter 4

Cam

“His name is Damion Tazzo.”

“Sounds Italian.”

I shrugged. “He doesn’t look Italian…” I thought about it for a second. “At least I don’t think he does. He’s a firefighter.”

“Uhuh.”

“And you wouldn’t believe how deep his voice is.”

“I’m sure.”

“And he’s taller than me.” I grinned.

“Everyone’s taller than you.”

I didn’t let it faze me. I dropped back onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling. “He’s really strong too and he’s the most handsome man you’ll ever see.”

“I doubt that.”

“And his eyes are dark brown. They’re really pretty, you’d like them.”

She shrugged.

“And when he looks at me it’s like he can tell exactly what’s going through my head. It’s crazy.”

“It is.”

“I like his hair and he’s so…manly.” I told her and she shook her head.

“There’s something seriously wrong with you Cam.”

“I think I’m in love.”

“You’re not.”

“If you met him you’d understand.” I told her.

“I don’t think I would actually.”

“He’s perfect.”

“No, you only think he is.”

I shook my head. “He made me pancakes this morning and I know it’s because I told him they’re my favorite.”

“Good for him.”

I sat up. “You’re gonna like him Monte.”

She finally turned away from the mirror and looked at me. “No Cam, I won’t, because he’s going to hurt you. Just like all the others.”

I frowned. “Damion’s different.”

She rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips. “You’ve known the guy for two short nights. You don’t know that.”

“He was nice to me.”

She sighed and looked away and my frown deepened. “Just because someone’s nice to you doesn’t mean they’re good for you Cam. You of all people should know that.”

She just didn’t understand. She didn’t know him like I did. “He’s not gonna hurt me. I can feel it.”

This time when she looked at me her eyes were almost…sad. “They always hurt you…it’s just a matter of time.”

“He says we’re gonna be exclusive and he wants to train me.”

She frowned and came to sat beside me on the bed. “What do you mean train you ?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, but he says it’ll make things easier for me.”

“I don’t like the sound of this.”

“You’re worrying too much Monte.” I took her hand. “I think maybe he likes me and if I’m really good I just know I can make this work.”

“Cam I know how much you want to believe that, but you’ve said the exact same thing about every man you’ve let into your life and every single one of them has hurt you. Every single one of them.”

“Yes but I told you Damion’s different.”

“Yeah…just like you said about the others, but they’re never different are they?”

“Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“You know I do, but I’m the one who has to dry your tears when things don’t work out. I’m the one who has to wash the blood off or get ice for your bruises or take you to the hospital when they go too far. I’m the one who has to watch you go through this again and again and it hurts Cam. Every guy you get with is worse than the one before and I’m afraid for you.”

“Well you won’t have to be because I’m gonna be so good that he’ll fall in love with me. I’m gonna do everything he says and I won’t make him mad and he’ll give me a collar and he’ll take care of me. You’ll see. You just have to trust me Monte.”

“It’s not you I don’t trust” she said through gritted teeth and I watched as she pulled her hand from mine, crossed the room and exited through the door and out the hall.

I sighed. Soon she’d see just how great Damion was. He was gentle and he talked to me like I was a person. He let me sleep the whole night in his bed and he held me. He was nice to me. Soon she’d believe me when I said he was different.

……………………………………………………………

Damion

Thirteen…Fourteen…Fifteen…

I counted fifteen of them, running around like little headless chickens and making more noise than any group of kids had any right to.

They jumped on the chairs, climbed on the tables, spilled their juice and spilled their food. I’d tripped over at least three pairs of shoes since I’d arrived and had been attacked by at least nine of the little monsters since lunch.

They were loud, active and… loud .

I didn’t think this was something I could do on a daily basis; fighting fires was easier, at least then I didn’t have to worry about stepping on little people…most of the time.

The birthday girl waved at me from her perch on the bounce-about and I waved back, before taking a sip of my slightly chilled apple juice. Kids were tough.

“So what did you get her this year? I noticed you brought the biggest gift in the room.” My sister-in-law questioned with a grin when she came to stand by my side.

“It’s to make up for my absence last year.”

“You made up for it when you had that damn treehouse built. I’m still waiting for the day she breaks her leg climbing down from that ladder.”

I grinned and waved again when the little rug rat shouted my name.

“She’ll be fine. Kids need adventure.”

“Have you seen her friends? She has enough adventure.”

I glanced around the yard and nodded. “Yeah, they’re a little wild aren’t they?”

“A little?” She pointed to a small blond kid who was rolling around in the grass. His hair was a mess of leaves and garden soil.

“I caught him peeing in my plant.”

I shrugged. “Maybe it was just easier. He’s utilizing nature, what harm can it do?”

“The plant is in the family room Damion”

“Ah.”

“Next birthday I’m taking her to Disney Land, I don’t think the house can take much more of this.”

I chuckled “I thought you guys were moving soon.”

She sighed, looking out into the yard. “You know Donny, he doesn’t like change and he keeps putting it off.”

“He’ll come around. Especially with the little guy on the way.”

She smiled, patting her round belly. “He says he doesn’t want his kids to grow up like you two did; moving around all the time with no sense of stability.”

“One move is hardly a problem.”

“Yeah well tell your brother that.”

“You know he doesn’t listen to me either.”

She waved away my words. “He values your opinion more than anyone else’s…even if he doesn’t show it.”

I smiled slightly while shaking my head. “I’ll have to take your word for it.”

When she turned to me with her pleading eyes, I knew what was coming next.

“Talk to him for me.”

I shook my head. “He’s too stubborn. What I say won’t make a difference.”

“And I say it will. Come on Damion, are you really going to let a pregnant woman beg?”

You’d think I would be used to her persuasive tactics after all these years. I sighed, handed her the unfinished apple juice and she gave me a good little pat on the back for my troubles, before I turned and entered the house.

I nodded in greeting to the group of mothers sitting in deep conversation in the family room and made my way down the hall and pushed the door of my brother’s study open.

He looked up from where he sat around his desk and grinned when I entered the room. “I was wondering if you were avoiding me.”

“No more than usual.” I replied, dropping into the couch by the door.

“Did Anna send you?” he asked, leaning back in his swivel chair, the ever-present smile on his face as bright and wide as it always was.

“She says you’re having second thoughts about moving.”

He shook his head, eyes twinkling. “No, she’s just afraid that I will, but I told her already; I’m fully committed to getting out of this place. If it’s what she wants then I’m onboard.”

“You change your mind as often as the wind blows. It’s your fault if she’s having doubts.”

He placed his hand over his heart “I swear I won’t this time, so you two can stop conspiring against me.”

I nodded, before kicking off my shoes and stretching out on the couch. “It’s your daughter’s birthday, shouldn’t you be out there blowing out the candles with her?”

He looked down at his watch with a frown. “Anna brought out the cake already?”

“Soon.”

He shuffled his papers around and seemed to consider something. “I have a lot of work to do…I’ll be there for the cake.”

“Uhuh.”

“So, how’s it going? I can’t ever see you unless my kid has a birthday. What’s happening?”

“You saw me two weeks ago, don’t start with the dramatics.”

“Two weeks is too long. We need to catch up.”

I shook my head. He’d always been the needy one; ever since we were kids. “You really think anything new happened since you saw me last time? Work’s fine, the business is fine and my personal life is fine. Just like it was last time I saw you and just like it was the time before that.”

“Everything’s the same huh?” he asked with a knowing grin.

I nodded.

“So you didn’t go to CeeCee’s two nights in a row and leave with the same guy?”

I shook my head. “How’d you hear about that?”

He tapped his head and laughed. “I told you, it’s because we’re twins. There’s a link between us bro.”

I laughed. “Jerry told you.”

“Who else?”

“So much for finding a new chill spot.”

Donny shook his head. “If there’s a gay bar around, Jerry will find it.”

And of course Jerry told his best friend everything.

“So the same guy, twice in a row? This must be serious.”

“Hardly.” I drawled and he tilted his head to the side.

“You’re being evasive…you actually really like this guy. Who is he anyway?”

“I don’t and you don’t need to worry about it. I’m not interested in relationships and all that crap you family men are into. You know that.”

He was silent as he watched me for a moment and I shook my head and looked to the ceiling.

“I better be the best man at your wedding.” He said after a few moments and I plucked the cushion from the seat and launched it at him.

He was laughing even as he dodged it and it went bouncing across the room.

……………………………………………

The heat was thick and intrusive as it lapped at the walls around me. Paintings erupted into flames, wooden beams crumbled all around us and still, we trudged through in search of any survivors. In one arm I held an unconscious puppy and across the room my partner navigated the falling debris with a woman.

I passed by a beam just before it fell and split the floor behind me and my partner looked over and gestured to the pathway up ahead. While we made for the exit, the others continued their search. Nothing prepared you for the heat, no matter how many times you ran into a burning building, no matter how much time you spent around the flame. Each unfortunate occasion brought with it new experiences and each time felt much worse than before. When we burst through the all-encompassing heat and into the darkened street beyond, it was like being given new life, because despite any man’s level of experience, emerging from hell always brought with it a great sense of relief.

This was my job. I struggled against what it threw my way and I hadn’t been defeated yet.

I saved lives and I loved it.

                                                        AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

KEEP SWEET

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 5: My Rules.

Chapter 5

He was practically vibrating as he waited on the steps for me to open the front door. I’d sensed his excitement the moment I’d picked him up from work. He’d walked out with his small knapsack, which I assumed was packed with a change of clothes and whatever other necessity he thought he needed for the night at my place. His eagerness had been clear on his face since the moment he walked through those doors and had seemed to grow when he’d opened the passenger door of my car and got in.

I thought of the tentative smile that had graced his face as we’d exchanged greetings and the irrational blush that had slashed across his cheeks when I’d told him to put on his seatbelt.

He was an enigma; this beautiful boy standing behind me and I couldn’t help the feeling of excitement that spread through me at the thought of discovering everything about him that made him so irresistible.

“Are you hungry?” I asked as I pushed the door open and he followed close behind me into the warmth of the house.

“No sir.” He said quickly and I decided to rephrase.

“Have you eaten?” I turned to look at him and he nodded.

“Yes sir.”

“You can just drop your bag anywhere.” I told him and didn’t miss his quick glance up the stairs as he followed me across the way and into the family room, where he deposited his bag unto the chair.

“I thought I’d give you a quick tour of the place since you’re going to be here pretty often.” I told him and he glanced around the room with large eyes that seemed to take everything in with one glance.

“You’re free to use anything here, no room is off-limits. Can you swim?” I asked him and he nodded again; that was something we’d have to work on.

“There’s a pool out back that you’re welcome to use whenever you’re in the mood.” I told him, and for a moment, he looked at me as if I’d hung the moon. I lead him down a wide passageway, and as he’d been doing since the moment we exited the car, he walked close behind me.

“This is the library.” I said as we walked through the double doors leading into a relatively large room with high ceilings and one set of floor-to-ceiling windows on one wall. The word library was definitely being used loosely here since this room with the few shelves stacked with my favorite books and a solitary sofa against a wall could hardly be considered much of a library. Had I called it such a thing in the presence of my brother-the-scholar, he’d have laughed me to scorn, but as with everything else, Cam regarded the room with awe.

“Did you read all of these books?” he surprised me by speaking and I smiled.

“Yes. It’s a hobby of mine.” I told him.

“I like art.” He offered shyly and when I grinned, he looked away.

“Wat kind of art?” I asked and he shrugged.

“All kinds.”

I lead him through another set of double doors that led to my study. The room was a fair size. It held a too-large mahogany desk, books that meant nothing to me but were stacked on the shelves because my brother had been the one to design the space, and an expensive, oversized swivel chair that I hated.

The floor was carpeted in deep burgundy and the tall curtains were an emerald green which, according to my brother; went well with the carpets.

“This is the study.” I told Cam who was busy running his fingers across the smooth surface of the desk.

“It’s cozy in here.” He said, and I looked around the space, trying to see it through his eyes.

“I guess it is. My brother uses it more than I do.” I told him and he looked at me with interest.

“You have a brother?”

I nodded. “My twin.” I said. “He comes here to work sometimes…a lot of the time actually. “He’s a university professor…History.” I specified, and Cam nodded again.

“He must be really smart.”

“He is.” I said and he smiled.

“How come he doesn’t have his own study?” he questioned me further and I found that I liked when he expressed himself.

“He does.” I paused to look around the space that housed all his research and loose papers, books and even a pair of his boots that had been kicked halfway under the desk. “He just won’t leave me alone.” I finished with a shake of my head, and Cam trailed after me as I made my exit out of that room, back through the library and into the passageway.

I noticed that as we walked, he ran his hand along the walls. In fact, he touched everything. It was as if he were trying to understand the texture of everything he was seeing; like a child.

It was that though that stopped me in my tracks and as I turned slowly to look at him, I wondered why it had never occurred to me before I had stuffed my dick into his hole.

He stopped; watching me with wide eyes as I regarded him with my narrowed ones.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty.” He said and when I only stood staring at his expression, searching for a single hint that he was lying, he folded his arms across his chest and pouted. “ I’ll be twenty in two months.“ He said and I released the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

He was far enough past his eighteenth birthday that the horrible fear that I’d buggered a child faded into nothingness and I turned and continued on my way.

“You don’t lie to me. Do you understand?” I asked as we walked and I heard his quiet ’ yes sir’ as I opened a door opposite the second entrance to the dining room.

“This is a guest bedroom. It’s the only bedroom downstairs.” I explained when he was standing in the center of the room.

“I like the color.” He confessed.

My best friend’s husband called it The Blue Room . Not the most creative name really, but with the blue curtains, blue wall paint, blue rug and blue and white bedsheets, no other title would truly do it justice.

“My brother designed it.” I told him “It’s his favorite color.”

That, and he had a passion for interior design. I suppose you could say he wasn’t the stereotypical history professor.

“I like the chair.” Cam commented.

So did my brother, who claimed the bright yellow chair in a room of blue gave the place character. To me it just looked out of place.

Afterwards I showed him the kitchen and dining room, which he’d already seen, then I took him upstairs and introduced him to all the bedrooms, bathrooms and another study that I actually used from time to time.

I ended the tour right back where we’d started; in the family room and I invited him to sit, before I took a chair directly in front of him. While we’d toured the house, he’d been more free and open; still shy, but less fidgety, and now that we sat face to face, he was flushed red and clearly nervous.

I smiled to calm his nerves and it only seemed to make him fidget more.

“I said I would train you and I will.” I began “but before we can get into anything, you need to understand a few basic rules.”

He nodded.

“Starting with that.” I gestured to him. “You never respond to your dom with a shake or nod. It’s yes sir , no sir, or whatever it is that he asks you to respond to him with. I like sir and while we play, that’s how you refer to me, do you understand.”

“Yes sir.” He blushed.

“Outside of all that, you can call me Damion. My friends call me Tazzo, so whichever one works for you.”

“You can call me Cam.” He said “Or whatever you want.” He was quick to add and I nodded.

There were different types of BDSM relationships. There were some pairs who turned it into a lifestyle; where they were dom and sub all the time and they liked it that way. Then there were others, who chose to keep that side of them somewhat separated from everyday life. I found that I preferred the latter.

I’d never had any interest in taking a scene outside of intimacy. I’d never been enticed by the thought of controlling the everyday aspects of a person’s life. I didn’t want to tell a grown man how to dress and when to cut his hair, or order him to cook my dinner. Outside of the scene I wanted to be called by my name. I wanted to share a beer with someone I could speak to on equal terms, and sit down and watch a movie with a guy who wasn’t afraid to call my bullshit.

For me, dominance and submission, while it was an important part of my life, it was still just a kink, but as I grew to understand Cam, and the more I observed him, it was clear to see that for him, it was more than that. His need went beyond the bedroom. He needed someone to belong to all the time and as I watched him watching me, I decided that when his training was over, I’d help him find that person.

“Rule number two; honesty.” I said seriously. “If a person can’t be honest with me do you know what it tells me?”

He began to shake his head then stopped. “No sir.”

“It tells me they don’t respect me,” I told him. “And I won’t train someone who doesn’t respect me.”

“I respect you.”

“Which is good to know because something that’s deeply tied to honesty for me is your safe word.”

“Okay…” he began in obvious confusion.

“If your dom is doing something that you’re not comfortable with, you need to use your safe word. When you don’t use your safe word at a time when you know you should, then you’re not honest with your dom.” He looked away when I tried to meet his eyes.

“I want you to list all the things you’re not comfortable with. Tell me what you don’t like.”

Cam’s eyes grew wide and his expression was one of worry. “I can do anything.” He said earnestly. “I can take it.”

“I didn’t ask if you could do it Cam, I asked you what you don’t like. I want to know your limits.”

“I don’t have limits.” He said softly and it was clear he believed it.

“Alright, just tell me what you don’t like.” I said, and before he could open his mouth to continue, I spoke again. “I don’t want my sub doing something he doesn’t like just because he knows I like it. That’s not honest and I won’t put up with it.”

It took him two minutes of looking down at his hands in silence before he was ready to tell me, and as he spoke, he was hesitant and fearful. “I don’t like to bleed.” He told me and I nodded in encouragement.

“I like pain, but…but I don’t like when it hurts so much that I can’t move.” His eyes darted to mine and back to his hands, which were clasped tight in his lap.

“Go on.”

“I don’t like scars and the ball and chain thing.”

I nodded.

“And putting stuff in my dick.”

Sounding.

“And breathplay.”

“Anything else?”

He seemed to think about it for a minute. “I don’t think so.” He said and I nodded.

“If there’s anything you’re not comfortable with from here on out, you’ll tell me.” It wasn’t a request and he understood that.

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my legs at the ankles as I watched him. Three nights I’d known him, and I’d already learned so much. What I’d learned tonight; which was something I’d suspected from the very first night I’d lain with him, was that what he craved wasn’t necessarily what most people in the scene craved.

Sure being whipped turned him on. Sure he like the rush that a riding crop or a flagger could give him and a little sting here and there, but what he craved was the loving, and the need to be controlled. Cam wanted to be protected and wrapped in a cocoon. He wanted to know he belonged to someone and he was as sensitive as a dick after sex. He wouldn’t be able to handle the doms that cussed at him when he messed up or roughed him up when he didn’t do what he was supposed to. He needed someone who could lead him with a firm hand, but speak to him in gentle tones.

I shook my head. I’d trained my fair share of them, but this one took the cake. I didn’t like seeing a sub hurt, but none of the ones I’d ever trained would tell you I was what Cam was looking for.

I wasn’t afraid to admit that I could be rough. I liked a sub who listened. I never punished one so he could smile right after and tell me he’d enjoyed it and I didn’t give second chances. You fucked up, I called you out on it. You fucked up bad, and that was it. It was just the way I was and I never had any reason to apologize for it, so it was a bit discomfiting to me now to be dealing with a pure sub like Cam, knowing that if he fucked up bad , I’d give him another chance, and when he looked up at me just then, with his big, needy eyes, I knew I’d give him all the chances in the world.

“Are you sure you want me to train you?” I asked, giving him a way out , but he nodded.

“Yes sir.”

I stood. “Alright, you see that spot?” I pointed to the center of the room and his eyes followed.

“Yes sir.”

I took a cushion from the chair, walked over to the spot and dropped it unto the floor. “I want you to strip and kneel right here.” I told him.

I watched him rise from the seat and as he pulled the hem of his shirt up and over his head, there was not even an ounce of hesitation.

Good boy.

                                                                         AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

ENJOY.

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 6: I am Cam.

Chapter 6

I circled him, observing his form as he knelt there waiting for my next command.

God he was beautiful.

“This position is important.” I said when I stood before him. “The first thing you’ll do when you get here every day is to kneel right here, without your clothes, in this position.”

“Yes sir.” He answered quickly, his head tilted up and his large eyes fixed on my face.

I thought of the number of times I’d punished a sub for his failure to keep his eyes trained on the floor and how it was something that had become cemented in my training over the years. Yet now, watching Cam naked and on his knees, with those beautiful, wide, trusting eyes fixed on my face, I didn’t want him to look anywhere else.

“It’s your responsibility to get into position. I shouldn’t have to tell you.”

“Yes sir.”

“Has any of your previous masters ever required that you present yourself this way?”

“All the time.” He began with a huge grin and an expression filled with what I could only describe as pride. “Master Drake said I’m really good at sucking—”

“I don’t mean during sex.” I interrupted and I watched his smile fall ever so slightly.

“No sir.”

“Well every dom is different. Everyone has their own rules, but generally, if your master asks you to kneel, your eyes should be on the ground, not on your master.” I told him and without hesitation, he lowered his.

“But like I said, every dom is different, lowering your eyes is generally acceptable but you’re expected to follow whatever rules are set by your own master.” I explained. “When you’re in this position, I want you looking at me when I stand in front of you.” I told him.

“Yes sir.” And he looked up. I found that I liked it. I liked it a lot.

“I want you to stand up, legs apart and lace your hand behind your head like this.” I demonstrated and he did it without question.

I circled him slowly, adjusting his legs only slightly and ensuring that his hands were clasped properly behind his head, elbows out. As I did this, my eyes trailed over his flesh.

“When I tell you to display , this is the position I want you to take.” I told him. “This means I want to inspect you, whether it’s to see any marks I’ve given you or any new marks you have on your body that you got when you were away from me.”

“Okay.” He said, then; “Yes sir.” before I could correct him.

When I ran a hand down his spine he shivered and when I moved to stand before him again, his expression spoke of his eagerness.

I reached over and took his hand, inspecting his wrist which was red with an angry blister.

“I burned it today.” He told me. “It’s because the diner was crowded and one of our servers was out sick so I had to do both our jobs and a lot of people kept ordering a lot of stuff and I was talking to one of the customers because he asked me a question and I was paying attention to what I was doing and I burned it on the coffee machine.” He rambled and I let him. It was the most words he’d spoken at any one time since I’d met him and he was fascinating.

When I released his hand he was frowning down at the burn; his mouth turned down into a cute pout that had me wanting to kiss it away.

“And then this one is from my roommate’s cat.” He continued to my surprise, as he broke form to point out the surface-deep scratches on his thigh. “I picked her up and she went crazy.” He explained. “I don’t know why. She normally loves me.”

“I’m sure she does.” I replied in amusement and still, he continued, completely forgetting that he was expected to hold position.

He pointed out mark after mark as though I’d asked him for a synopsis of each injury, and while he did, I watched the play of emotions across his face as he described each. It was the first time I’d ever seen him so animated. Like his smile, it completely transformed his face, so I let him go on without scolding him and he continued as though it was the most important thing he could be doing in that moment.

I smiled and when he looked up halfway through another explanation and saw it, his face turned a deep red and he stopped talking all together.

So among all the other things I’d learned about him, I now knew that he was a clumsy little thing; accumulating more bruises in a day than the average person would get in a month.

“Go ahead.” I ushered him to continue. “I have no problem with it this time, but next time you don’t break form.” I told him and he took my words as though I were punishing him. He looked devastated, as if he thought he’d let me down.

“You’re not in trouble Cam.” I told him. “You’re allowed to make mistakes, that’s what training’s all about. You’re learning.” I finished and though he didn’t look convinced, he replied with the required ’yes sir.“

I continued. “When you’re not holding form you’re always allowed to speak freely, unless I say otherwise.” I explained. “But when you are, you remain silent and you speak only when I ask you a question.”

“Yes sir.” He mumbled and I crossed the room, retrieved the throw blanket from the couch and wrapped it around his nakedness.

“Go have a seat.” I told him, and holding the edges of the blanket closed, he crossed the space and took a seat at the very end of the couch.

I didn’t miss his quick glance at the staircase as he sat and I held back a smile. “We’ll play later.” I said, and he blushed scarlet.

When I’d first begun my sub training journey there was one thing I’d learned the hard way and that was that one shoe didn’t fit all; not ever. I’d punished the brattiest, most entitled little shits out there, I’d spanked the most eager and lectured the most experienced of the lot and none—not one of them could be trained with the same technique I’d used to train another. I crossed the room and pulled a book and a sheet of paper from the magazine rack I kept by the TV, then set them down on the coffee table in front of him. He looked at them, then looked at me; his brows furrowed in confusion.

“How come this has my name on it?” he asked, while running his fingers reverently over the cover of the book on which his name had been engraved.

“Because it’s yours.” I told him and he looked up at me. “Have you ever kept a journal?”

He shook his head, then when he realized I wasn’t about to continue, he flushed, uttered a quick apology and followed up with the correct response; “No sir.”

“Well now you will.” I tapped the edge of the cover. “I want you to make daily entries. Write whatever comes to your mind; your thoughts, what you’re feeling, how you spent your day; it doesn’t matter. It can be two sentences, one paragraph—whatever length you want it to be, but at the end of every entry, I want you to write what the highlight of your day was; it doesn’t matter how small or simple.

He picked up the journal and weighed it in his hands. Truth be told it was a heavy little thing— its pages bound together by cloth and leather.

“How come I have to keep a journal?”

“Because I want to see how you express yourself. I want to understand the way you think.”

He traced his name with the pad of his index finger. “Do I get to take it home with me?”

“Of course. It’s yours, but I want you to take it with you whenever you come over.”

“And you’ll read it?”

“Sometimes.” I told him. “It’s very important that you’re honest when you make your entries. You’re not allowed to leave something out or change the way you’d express a thought just because you know I’ll read it.”

“But what if it’s embarrassing?”

“Then I’d like to think you would trust me enough to share it with me. What we’re building here is trust isn’t it?”

“And honesty.” He added with a small smile and I reached over and pushed his curls out of his face.

“Exactly. So are you up to the task?”

“Yes sir.” He said.

“Can I count on you to write honestly?”

“Yes sir.”

“Then I’ll promise you right now that you can trust me with your thoughts.”

While he contemplated my words, I flipped over the sheet of paper I’d also placed before him and handed him a pen.

“This is just a little exercise I want you to do right now.” I told him. On the paper was a small list of half sentences. “I want you to fill in the blanks with the first thing that comes to your mind.” I told him and he glanced down at the paper;

1.  I am most proud of..................................................
   

2.  When I am alone I .................................................
   

3.  The thing I like best about myself is..............................
   

4.  The thing I like least about myself is..............................
   

5.  I like when my master....................................
   

6.  I don't like when my master..............................
   

7.  I want.........................................................
   

8.  One day I would like to....................................
   

9.  I am...........................................................
   

“It’s not a quiz. There are no wrong answers, just read each sentence and write down the first thing that pops into your head.”

“Okay.” I watched him as he set pen to paper and filled in the spaces as quickly as he read the sentences.

When he was done, he handed it to me, then bit his lip as he watched me read his responses.

1.     I am most proud of 
   

my friend Monte for getting the job she always wanted.

2.     When I am alone I 
   

like to paint

3.     The thing I like best about myself is.................................................
   

4.     The thing I like least about myself is 
   

are my scars

6.     I like when my master
   

lets me sleep beside him all night

7.     I don't like when my master 
   

is mad at me

8.     I want 
   

to be collared

9.     One day I would like to 
   

be really happy

10.   I am 
    

Cam

“Why did you leave number three blank?” I asked him and he seemed to think about it for a moment.

“I don’t know what to write.”

“Just write one thing you like about yourself then.” I urged him and handed him the paper, but he only stared down at the sheet, worrying his lower lip with his teeth.

“Alright.” I said to ease his frustration. “Tell me then. It can be anything at all. Just one little thing you like about yourself.”

I watched him, waiting for his answer. He bit the head of the pen and scrunched his face up in concentration.

“Just one little thing.” I repeated and he looked down at the paper and frowned, before pulling the pen from his mouth and tapping it on the side of his head.

Five minutes we sat there in total silence, and as his face grew red with distress, I finally understood why he was finding it so difficult to answer.

“Do you like anything at all about yourself Cam?” I questioned him gently, and when his eyes met mine, they were filled with misery.

“I don’t think so.” He said and I leaned back in my seat.

I looked at the soft, curly hair, the big beautiful eyes, the cute little nose, the soft, supple lips, his smooth skin and his petite frame and wondered how it was possible that he couldn’t see what I saw; what everyone saw.

“Alright, come with me.” I said, taking the paper from his hands, and he followed meekly behind me as I lead him into the kitchen. At the fridge, I stopped and stuck the paper under a magnet. “We’ll keep this right here and whenever you figure out something that you like about yourself you can come write it in.”

“What if I don’t find anything today…or tomorrow?”

“Whenever you figure it out, you can write it in. Whether it’s tomorrow, next week or next month. How does that sound?”

“It sounds okay.” He replied and I led him to the dining room where I recovered the duffel bag from one of the chairs.

He watched me as I zipped it open to reveal just a few of the toys I’d packed in there. When I dipped into the bag and pulled them out, spreading them along the surface of the table, he pulled out a chair and sat.

He was silent as he watched, his eyes following each item from the bag to the table and back.

When half the table was covered, I deposited the duffel onto the ground and gave him a moment to take it all in.

“Are you unfamiliar with anything here?” I asked; my eyes also skating over the various whips and paddles, clamps and plugs, cock cages and rings and all the other implements that lay on the table’s surface.

“No sir.” He said finally and I nodded.

Good.

“Are you uncomfortable with using anything here?”

I took notice of the way his eyes strayed to the whips, but he shook his head. “No Sir.”

“What did we say about honesty?”

He blushed red. “That I have to be honest with you.”

“And what else?”

“That…if I’m not honest, it means I don’t respect you.”

“And do you respect me?”

He nodded quickly. “Yes sir.”

“Then tell me the truth.”

He looked guiltily from me, then to the table and back. “Those hurt.” He pointed to the variety of whips I’d laid out. “Really bad.” He continued. “I don’t like scars.”

“Well when I use them they won’t leave any scars… and you’ll like it.” I assured him.

He clearly wasn’t convinced. “Okay…sir.”

“Let’s talk about rules again.” I said, pulling out a chair to sit beside him. He turned to face me.

“There are a few things you aren’t allowed to do, under any circumstances.” I began and he straightened in his seat, wrapping the blanket more securely around himself. “You’re not allowed to do drugs, you can’t take other partners while I train you and you get pleasure only when I give it to you, which means no masturbation.” His face turned red at that one. “You can drink, but you can’t get drunk and no smoking.” I said seriously.

“You should know that I take my rules very seriously Cam and when they’re broken, I’m not above punishing my sub. Understood?”

He wrapped the blanket tighter. “Yes sir.”

“Do you want to write them down or will you remember them?”

“I can remember them.”

I smiled and the corners of his mouth lifted slightly. “Do you have any questions?”

“No sir.”

“Are you sure? You’re always free to ask me anything. I want you to be comfortable enough to come to me for any reason.”

“Yes sir.”

“Are you hungry?”

He offered me a timid smile. “Maybe just a little bit.” He said and I couldn’t help but laugh as I reached over to ruffle his curls.

“What do you want? You like steak?” I asked him as I made my way to the kitchen and I didn’t have to glance behind me to know he was following.

“I like pizza.” He told me and I chuckled.

“Pizza it is.”

                                                                     AUTHOR’S NOTES

ENJOY.

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 7: Fantasy Land.

Chapter 7

He was frustrated.

It was as plain as day in his expression, as it was in his tone every time he answered yet another one of my questions. There was only one thing on his mind and conversation wasn’t it. I smiled when his gaze flickered yet again to the foot of the stairs, and I leaned back in my chair to watch him.

He was impatient; this little sub, but soon he would know better. I glanced down at his hands, which he fidgeted with in his lap and noted, not for the first time, just how comfortable he was with his nakedness. As long as he wasn’t forced to show his back, he was at ease strutting around unclothed.

Of course this was a common thing among submissives, but it surprised me that this particular sub had no qualms about it. Having observed him for as long as I had, having gathered a close to comprehensive understanding of his character, I would have thought his own nakedness would have been yet another thing he’d want to keep hidden.

I expected to see blushes, and at the very least, mild discomfort at having to sit in front of me without a strip of covering, but here he was…comfortable in his own skin…so to speak. I decided his ease came from habit. Perhaps something he’d grown accustomed to over the years with his previous masters.

“Any health issues?” I continued questioning.

“No sir.”

“Sure?”

“Yes sir.”

“When was the last time you got tested?”

He didn’t need to think about it. “About two months ago.”

“You have any plans tomorrow?” I continued and he shook his head.

“No sir.”

“We’ll both go get tested tomorrow, then I want to take you out to get some supplies we’ll need.”

He perked up for the first time since dinner, and I spotted the dimple in his cheeks, before he schooled his expression. As ridiculous as it sounded, my heart fluttered. I cleared my throat and straightened in the seat.

The longer he sat there, with the soft light making his skin appear to glow, and his cute face and curling hair and big eyes, the more I wanted to pull him to the carpet, lay him bare and fuck him. My eyes traveled from his head to his feet and back.

Giving him what he wanted now would teach him nothing. Patience was the first real lesson he’d learn from me. In fact, he’d master it before the night was out. So I sat there-my arousal a constant battle-and continued to learn what I could-to understand him.

“Tell me about y-”

Ding-dong

The sound of the doorbell reverberated throughout the room once, before the banging started on the front door. Cam stood when I did, this time wrapping the blanket around himself as he glanced at the door.

“Go get ready for bed. I’ll be up soon.” I told him, then watched as he grabbed his bag and walked toward the staircase. When he’d climbed the first step, he looked back at me uncertainly and I nodded; assuring him that everything was okay.

I waited until he was up the stairs and out of sight before I pulled open the front door, to see my grinning best friend and the case of beer he held in his hand. He pushed past me and entered the house and I closed the door behind him with a sigh.

“Not the best time Paul.” I told him with a frown and followed him into the kitchen, where he was already grabbing a slice of leftover pizza from the box on the counter.

I watched him take a seat on the stool and pull a beer from the case. Then he watched me leaning against the wall, arms crossed as I waited.

He took a bite of the pizza, before his eyes narrowed. “Since when do you eat pizza?”

“I was in the mood.” I said, but Paul was no fool, and I watched him chew slowly as he eyes traveled around the room, probably noticing for the first time; the two empty glasses still sitting on the counter by the sink, the various sex toys lining the table in the dining room beyond, and of course there was the fact that we could clearly hear the squeaking of the faucet as Cam turned on the shower upstairs.

He glanced back at me with interest. “You have company.”

“What gave it away?” I drawled and very slowly, a smile crept onto his face.

“So Jerry was right.” He said and I cursed. Jerry would be the death of me.

“Isn’t he always?”

He popped open the cap on the edge of my counter and took a swallow of the beer. “So you’re training again.”

I nodded.

“What made you decide to take on a sub?

I shrugged. “He needs my help.”

“That’s it?” he asked, his tone dripping with skepticism. “No other reason?”

“What other reason could there be?”

He seemed to think about it for a second, before he too shrugged and took another bite of the pizza.

“Sit down, grab a beer.” He said then, and when I glanced briefly into the other room, he laughed.

“He’ll be fine without you for a few minutes.” He gestured to the stool across from him and after only a moment’s hesitation, I complied; grabbing one of his slightly-chilled beers and taking a swig.

“Tell me about him.”

I raised a brow. “Not much to tell.”

“Bullshit. Any sub who can pull you back into the lifestyle is a sub with skeletons.” He said knowingly. “Talk to me.”

I clasped my hands around the bottle, allowing the coolness to seep into my fingertips. For a while I said nothing, as I watched the condensation role from the very top of the bottle, where it came to a quick end on the side of my hand.

“He’s been through a lot.” I told him in the silence, and he propped his elbows on the counter and leaned in to listen. “He’s been abused so many times, he thinks it’s normal. He doesn’t understand that what those asshole did to him was wrong and he’s gonna continue seeking them out unless I teach him otherwise.”

Paul nodded, but I could see that he was surprised. “You’ve never been one to take on a broken sub.” He commented.

“He’s not like any other subs I’ve dealt with, that’s for sure.”

He chuckled. “What, he’s not the usual loud-mouth, wise-ass, back-answering rebel you always pick out?” he continued, then; “You always did like to break them in.”

I shook my head, thinking of the shy, quiet, docile submissive showering in my bathroom. “Not even close.”

For a while Paul only looked at me, making his observations, forming his conclusions, then he tipped the bottle to his head and nodded. “Maybe this is a good thing.”

I snorted “How’d you figure?”

He shrugged “I’ll let you know when I do.”

I swirled the liquid around in the bottle. “Yeah, you do that.”

“Tate will be happy to hear it at least. He thinks you’re in a funk.”

“I could be laughing to the point of tears and Tate would still think I’m mad at the world.” I told him honestly and he shrugged.

“Where is he anyway? I’m surprised he didn’t come barging in here right behind you.” I enquired about his own sub.

Paul smiled. “He’s up north visiting his mom.” In that same breath his smile fell as he looked into the mouth of the beer bottle. He was like a man with too many things on his mind.

“Everything okay with you two?” I questioned, unable to fathom the couple having problems. They’d been like glue to paper since the day they’d met; the couple every gay folk-who was into that kinda thing-wanted for themselves.

He shook his head as if to clear it, then I watched him straighten and reach into the pocket of his jeans, where he fished out the little white box he then placed on the table between us.

I looked at his miserable expression, then down at the box that I had no doubt held a ring.

I didn’t take very long for me to put it together. “You asked him to marry you and he said no?” I was surprised, to say the least, but he grinned.

“I haven’t asked him yet.”

I nodded slowly. “And you’re afraid he’ll turn you down.”

“No, I know he’ll say yes.”

I was confused. “I don’t understand.” He looked as miserable as they came…too miserable for a man who planned to ask the love of his life to marry him.

“I’m happy.” He began and I raised a brow. “I am…Tate’s the man I want to spend my life with, but Jesus…I’m terrified.”

“Of what exactly?”

He looked at me and shook his head. “I have no idea.”

And so I became his therapist for the night. I listened to his fears and his hopes without interruption. We laughed about all the crazy things he and Tate had done and talked about what could possibly be making him feel the way he was. In the end we still didn’t figure it out and I could only chalk it up to cold feet.

They were madly in love with each other, and even though I wasn’t necessarily a subscriber to the notion myself, it couldn’t be ignored. He’d figure it out.

By the time we’d put away the empty bottles and stored the rest for later, I realized for the first time just how long I’d spend with him. Three hours had flown by since I’d sent Cam upstairs.

I invited Paul to stay the night in the ‘blue room’ and after turning out all the lights, I made my way up the stairs and into my bedroom.

On the bed, Cam was fast asleep; sprawled on his back, decked out in matching pajamas that were clearly brand new; as though he’d been trying to make an impression.

I walked over and removed his bag from where it lay on the bed, depositing it into a nearby chair, then I turned out the light and headed for the bathroom to freshen up for bed. I thought of Paul and the fears I’d never thought he’d have. He and Tate were something out of a fairy-tale after all. I would have thought he’d be confident and ready to pop the question when the time came.

I wondered if that was just how the love thing worked. Wondered how people went through the emotion if all it was going to do was bring them heartache and uncertainty and fear. The water was dead cold when I stepped into the shower. Cam had used up every ounce of hot water and for the life of me, I just couldn’t understand why it was that that made me smile.

Maybe it was because it had been so long since I’d had a visitor over -who wasn’t a close friend or annoying twin brother- and maybe it felt nice.

I dipped my head under the spray and shivered from the frigidity, then I turned my head to the side and through the glass, glimpsed the extra toothbrush standing beside mine. There was also a small comb on the counter which he’d no doubt used to comb through his hair after his shower-new pajamas and perfectly coifed hair- Trying to impress.

He was sweet little thing; completely different from the subs I tended to choose; Paul was right. The fact was that I usually went for the bratty ones, with all the attitude and rebellion shining in their eyes. The ones who were harder to break and that much more satisfying to bend. I preferred those ones. I’d trained more of them than I could count on two hands. They thrilled me…until now.

Now when I thought about the bratty little devils I didn’t feel anything but impatience and disinterest. Now when I thought of training a sub, or what I wanted in a sub, what came to mind was delicate, shy and blushing. Cam.

The more I thought about him, the more I wanted to train him the best I could. When it was over I wanted him to be confident in himself, to learn what kind of Dom to look for and to know his role well.

I wanted to teach him patience and control. I wanted to teach him how to receive a Dom’s marks and I wanted him to trust me; completely.

I felt a shiver dance up my spine and I blamed it on the temperature of the spray. After that I made quick work of my shower and stepped out onto the damp mat.

He’d left the toothpaste tube open and the lid to the mouthwash wasn’t fastened properly. He was messy. I decided…but the knowledge only made him more real to me; it made him more attractive and damned if I knew why.

I shook my head as I squirted the paste onto my brush and when I caught my own eyes in the mirror, I saw the desire in them; hot and rising. I knew what it felt like to be buried to the hilt inside him and my body remembered. I was hard and getting harder.

I walked out of the bathroom minutes later, naked and dripping. Cam was now awake and I watched him sit up in bed as I entered; his eyes travelling from my very happy member and up to my face, where he met my eyes and blushed. The blush was accompanied by a small smile and his dimples did things to my body.

I was on the bed before he could blink; dragging him down under me. When the cold water from my hair dripped unto his forehead he giggled and I bit his neck playfully. He was so innocent. He was still at it when I raised my head, but when our eyes met, he grew quiet and I could just make out the heat in his own eyes from the dim illumination of the moon streaming through the curtains.

It was just too bad that neither of us would be getting off tonight. Only because training had begun and my first order of the night was to help him develop his voice. The first thing I wanted him to learn went beyond trust and honestly. I wanted him to learn what it meant to speak up, to express himself and to be confident while doing it, but to a great extent I understood him, so I knew without asking that he wouldn’t get it right this first time.

Sex would be the prize, but his personality and his own fears would prevent us both from getting it tonight. “Sorry I took so long.” I whispered.

For a moment he only looked up at me, then his eyes broke away from mine and traveled over my face. I held still as his hands came up to cup my cheeks. His fingers were gentle as he ran them up and over my forehead, over my eyelids, across my nose, until finally, his thumbs traveled slowly over my parted lips.

My heart pounded as I let him touch me. It was like the touch of a blind person; trying to see me without really seeing me. I looked into his eyes as he continued his investigation and in them, I saw not only heat, but also discovery and something softer; something meaningful…something I didn’t understand.

“Damion.” He whispered my name and my body tightened in response.

It was the first time he’d said my name and the sound of it on his lips was indescribable. His hands moved from my face and traveled slowly over my neck, coming to rest on my shoulders, where he finally pulled me closer and I took his lips. They’d been calling for me and now that they were trapped between my own, they were ripe and supple. He whimpered when I suckled on them and moaned when I forced them apart; deepening the kiss while our tongues mingled.

I slid my hand down and cupped him through his pajama bottoms. He tensed, then moaned deep into my mouth. When I squeezed him gently, he wrenched his lips from mine and gasped; arching off the bed, causing his lower body to meet mine. When I slipped a hand into his pants, he gripped my biceps.

I could feel his nails biting into my flesh as I kneaded him. This time when I lowered my head to take his lips, he turned it away from me and I chuckled. He didn’t want any distractions. He only wanted to feel . I pulled my hand away and stopped all together and he blinked up at me in confusion.

“I want you to tell me a fantasy of yours.” I said softly and his surprise was clear in his expression.

And so the training to find his voice had begun.

Cam looked at me for a moment, probably trying to figure out if he’d heard wrong. Then finally, he bit his lip. “A fantasy?” he asked and I nodded.

“Yes. I want you to describe one of yours to me.” I said and I could already see his walls coming up. The desire was still there, but with it was discomfort and embarrassment.

“I can’t” he said after a minute and I rolled off him, lying on my side, with my head propped into my hand and my cock still hard against my belly.

“Why not?”

I didn’t need the light to know he was blushing. “Because it’s stupid…and embarrassing.”

“Fantasies stem from desire and your desires aren’t stupid.”

He glanced down at me, then at his own hardened flesh, before his frustrated gaze met mine again.

He wanted sex…not conversation.

“You have to learn to adapt Cam.” I said seriously. “You won’t always get what you want when you want it.”

He nodded. “Yes sir.”

“My fantasy ends with me fucking you until the only thing you can do is scream my name.” I told him “When you tell me your fantasy I’ll make sure you get the chance to fully participate in mine.”

His breathing hitched, but he shook his head and buried his face in the pillow. “I can’t.” came his muffled reply and I ran a hand through his curls.

“What is it that you think I’ll do if you tell me?”

He shook his head, but otherwise, he kept his face hidden. “Nothing…but I’ll feel uncomfortable.”

I’d expected him to clam up, but something good came out of this exercise despite that. In a way he was telling me no and that in itself was a step in the right direction. I decided right then, that I wouldn’t push him too much on this one.

I wanted him to understand that he still had a choice in this and his decision not to tell me was him exercising that right. That being said, I still needed him to learn to express himself and trust me enough to tell me his thoughts and feelings, so with his refusal there would come some costs; not a punishment, but a way to make him understand that each decision came with its own set of consequences, whether good or bad.

“Alright.” I said. “I respect that.” And very slowly, he lifted his head and looked at me…as though in disbelief.

“What if I wrote it down instead?” he asked.

I grinned. “Nope. I want to hear you say it.” I told him and when I reached over to retrieve the remote control from the nightstand, he frowned.

“Aren’t we going to…” he trailed of, looking between us shyly and I shrugged.

“It wouldn’t really be fair for me to let us act out my fantasy when you won’t tell me yours, now is it?”

He bit his lip. “But what we were doing before…” he trailed off.

“…was me acting out a part of a fantasy.” I finished, before reaching over to pull the covers up and over us.

He looked at the sheets as though they’d offended him, then he fluffed up his pillow; frowning and turned away from me, curling his body and drawing the covers more securely around him.

I chuckled and he shifted further away. Who would have thought; he had some spunk after all. I reached over to wrap my arm around him- pulling him against me.

“Your hair’s still wet.” He commented moments later when the water dripped into his eye, and I watched him rub it as I fluffed up my own pillow and lowered my head. When I finally flipped on the TV, he turned slightly in my arms so he could see the screen, and rather than do it myself, I handed him the remote, which he took with some hesitancy.

“What should I put it on?” he questioned uncertainly, and I drew him even closer to me. “Whatever you want.”

“Yeah?” he asked as though being allowed to do the simple task of choosing a channel was the best thing that ever happened to him.

After that it was a good five minutes of searching until he settled on one that made me raise a brow in question; the food channel.

“Is this okay?” he asked and I nodded encouragingly.

“Do you like to cook?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m not really good at it.” He explained. “I’m getting better though.”

“Oh yeah? What can you make?”

I had no doubt he was blushing as he said; “Just little things for now…but I’m just taking my time. Eventually I’ll be able to make all kinds of fancy stuff.”

I nodded despite his evasive tactics, then left him to his food. It would have been interesting if I were into cooking and grilling and baking as much as he clearly was, but I had always been more of a sports and action-movie kind of guy, so instead I watched him focus on his channel and I learned just a little bit more about him than I had known before.

Later that night as I lay on the brink between sleep and wakefulness, Cam rose up on one elbow and leaned over me, where he whispered his fantasy in my ear. Later I thought to myself that maybe he hadn’t done that at all; maybe I’d dreamt it, maybe I’d imagined it, but whether or not it was real, the words he’d whispered, or thought he’d whispered, weren’t a sexual fantasy like I’d been expecting…but the fantasy of a life I couldn’t hope to give him; real or otherwise.

…………………………………………

Cam

My stomach woke me up. I was hungry and it was growling so loud I wondered how come it hadn’t woken up Damion. I’d been lying next to him wide awake for a little over an hour and he still hadn’t budged. Not even when I’d reached over and poked his arm.

I could smell the bacon in the air, not to mention hear the hitting together of pots downstairs and I figured maybe Damion’s brother was here. H did say his brother visited a lot.

I glanced up at his face. He was so handsome. I liked the way his hair fell on his forehead when he was asleep. It made him look…I shook my head. I didn’t even know how to describe how it made him look, but he looked good. Really good. I never noticed before just how long his lashes were-long and beautiful like the rest of him. When he shifted in his sleep and rolled unto his belly, I moved over to prevent him from crushing me. He had a really nice back; smooth and hard and manly.

The slam of a pot on the countertop made me look toward the closed door. My stomach growled and I looked back at Damion, then at the patch of sunlight on the hardwood floor.

Maybe he wouldn’t mind if I ran downstairs for even a cup of tea. I bit my lip. He couldn’t mind, especially if I brought a cup up for him too, could he?“

I looked toward the door again, then wondered if he’d get mad if I woke him. I didn’t know yet if he was a morning person, or if he would he would care if I got out of bed and just left him there.

I inhaled the scent of the frying bacon. It would only take five minutes to make a cup…ten the most and I doubted he’d wake up before then. I reasoned with myself, then poked his arm again. He didn’t budge, so I slowly and carefully climbed off the bed and padded across the room and into the bathroom. I was out in two minutes, and when I glanced back at the bed, he was still as dead to the world as he had been before I’d left him there, so I opened the bedroom door and slipped through, before closing it softy behind me.

I was glad the stairs didn’t creak as I walked down them. At least it would give me a chance to see just who I’d be dealing with down there before they realized I was there. My mouth watered as I followed the scent of the bacon, and I came to a stop by the doorway of the kitchen.

The guy I saw was big; like Damion, but unlike my master, this guy had a beard; not a full one; but just enough to show that he hadn’t shaved in a few days…maybe more. He had large hands too and he was as tall as Damion, but not as handsome.

I watched him transfer a batch of bacon strips from pot to plate, before he started on the eggs; cracking them expertly on the side of the pan.

“You must be Damion’s sub.” He spoke for the first time and I almost jumped.

He wasn’t looking my way, but he was smiling; at the pot…at the eggs, I couldn’t be sure. I stepped into the room and nodded. “Yes…” yes what? Did I call him sir like I called my master or did I just leave it at that? Would he be offended? The thoughts ran through my mind as I processed his size and the fact that he could easily break me in two if he really wanted to.

“Yes I am.” I continued, watching him cautiously for any sudden movements.

When he only glanced at me and smiled I relaxed…a little.

He had kind eyes. Not like Damion’s, because Damion’s eyes weren’t really kind, so much that they were dangerous and dark and beautiful, but I’d read somewhere about people with kind eyes and it was the only way I could describe his.

The books said you could always trust a person who had kind eyes.

I took a step forward, watching him as he separated the eggs in the pan. He was scrambling them; just the way I liked. I noticed his feet were bare; he obviously felt comfortable here.

I thought again that he must be Damion’s brother, but; “You don’t look like Damion.” I blurted out before I could stop myself, and he laughed. It was full of mirth and happiness and sunshine and it was so contagious, that I almost laughed too.

“No, but maybe that’s a good thing.” He said. “I don’t have the time to be beating the boys away with a stick.” He continued. “Tate gets jealous.”

“Tate?” I asked, taking a few steps closer.

He nodded. “Yeah, my sub… soon to be fiancée… if he’ll have me.”

I felt a warmth in my chest. “You’re going to propose?” I questioned, even though my last master had told me how rude it was to question people. It was just that this guy didn’t seem to mind.

I watched as he pulled something out of his pocket and placed it on the counter.

It was a box…white and velvety. He was inviting me to look at it, I realized, so I walked over to the counter separating us, paying close attention to his face. He was still smiling, but it was a faraway kind of smile-the smile you got when you were thinking about something you liked or someone you cared about.

I touched the top of it cautiously, making sure he was actually okay with me looking inside, and when he nodded, I flipped it open. It wasn’t one of those rings you always saw in the movies. There were no diamonds or big stones or anything. It was just solid gold…small and simple. Inside the band you could just make out the engraving; My heart , it said.

It was beautiful and I told him so.

“Thanks. I just hope he likes it.”

“I’m sure he will. Anyone would love it.”

He scraped the scrambled eggs into a large bowl and pulled the toast from the toaster just as they popped up.

“You want to see him?” he asked and I nodded, before pulling out a stool and taking a seat.

I watched the guy fish into his pocket again. This time for his phone. He pushed a few buttons, swiped his hand across the screen a few times then handed it to me.

On the screen I saw a man. He was a young man, with a smile just as wide as the guy’s standing across from me, but his eyes were full of mischief…and it was obvious that he was happy. It was clear from the way he looked at whoever it was who was taking his picture…I figured it was his master; the guy standing in the kitchen with me.

The next thing I noticed was his collar. It was gorgeous. Thick, black, expensive-looking leather with a gold buckle that held it together just right. I couldn’t help thinking about just how lucky this sub was and I wondered if he knew that.

“He’s very handsome.” I told the stranger and he nodded, before taking the phone which I held out to him.

“He is.” He said, looking down at the screen as though he hadn’t had a chance to really see the photo before. “And he knows it too.” He said, but he was smiling.

“Are you Damion’s brother?”

He looked at me. “Close enough. I’m his best friend.” Then he held out his hand. “The name’s Paul.”

I took it and he shook it firmly as I said. “I’m Cam.”

“Nice to meet you Cam.”

“Nice to meet you too.” I replied and I meant it.

“You hungry?” he gestured to the dishes before him and I nodded.

He shared me a plate, filled with way more than I could eat and set it down in front of me. Then he made me coffee and a glass of orange juice and set those down in front of me too.

When he put his own plate together, he sat down across from me and took a bite of his toast.

“So…tell me about yourself Cam.”

“Don’t you think it’s too early for an interrogation in my kitchen Paul?” Damion’s voice boomed from the doorway, and I turned to look at him as he crossed the way.

He was bare-chested and barefooted as he padded over, looking like he’d just slipped out of bed. His hair was sticking every which way and it only made him look more rugged and irresistible.

He reached up to ruffle my hair as he passed me and I could hardly contain my thrill.

“It’s never too early.” Paul replied with a grin as Damion, took the coffee from my hands and took a sip, then grimaced, before handing it back to me. I looked down into my cup with a frown.

It tasted fine to me.

“He likes his coffee black.” Paul supplied and I glanced at him. “Like his soul.” He laughed and when Damion took a seat in the stool beside me and snagged Paul’s plate of food, an easy banter began between them that I was completely content to sit and listen to.

I looked from one to the other as they joked, watching too as Paul shared another plate for himself and for a moment, through the fun and jokes and easy teasing, Damion looked at me and winked and I could have sworn I melted right off my stool.

                                                       AUTHOR'S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING

KEEP SWEET!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 8: Coward

Chapter 8

The morning went by fairly quickly and I enjoyed every second of it. Mostly because I got the chance to see a side of Damion that I’d never seen before. He’d been funny and happy and perfect.

When he smiled it was as if he transformed into a completely different person and his laugh…wow his laugh was as infectious as it was musical. As he slung my bag over one of his shoulders and led us out the front door I felt miserable at the thought of going back home.

I wanted to stay here with him…forever.

“Just get a broom and—”

“Tate it’s just a spider, it’s more afraid of you than yo—”

I turned to watched Paul as he made his way toward his car. He had his phone clapped to his ears and his keys in hand.

“What do you want me to do? Fly out there just to kill one spider?”

I grinned even though I tried hard to keep it at bay.

“No, that’s ridiculous. One little insect isn’t gonna make me….” Paul trailed off as he got into his car and closed the door behind him.

“He’s going you know.”

I glanced over at Damion when he spoke and I raised my brows in surprise. “Just because of a spider?”

Damion smiled, and shook his head as he opened his door and deposited my bag onto the back seat.

“No, because he misses him.” He said simply and lowered himself into the seat.

I glanced back at Paul, who was already pulling out of the yard and I wondered if Tate knew just how lucky he was.

……………..

Our first stop was to some private doctor’s office in a part of town I’d never been to. Damion said we had to go get tested even though we’d already had sex more than once. It seemed really important to him, but for me it wasn’t a big deal. I knew I was clean because I was careful most of the time, and I got tested often enough back at the free clinic in my neighborhood. 

I knew Damion was clean too, because a guy like him was obviously really responsible, but when I told him that he didn’t take it well like I thought he would. Instead, he got all upset. He told me I should never assume and that I couldn’t just go around trusting people. Damion said I had to take care of myself and made me promise that I would, but I didn’t think it was fair. I mean if you couldn’t trust people then what was the point?

We stopped at a sex shop next, but it didn’t look like any sex shop I’d ever been to. It looked nice; like one of those places where you had to wipe your feet on a mat first before you went in.

The floor was white. I think it was marble, and there were cabinets all over with glass shelves. It wasn’t dark and sleazy like the ones I’d been in. This one didn’t make you feel like you were doing something wrong by coming into it. It felt welcoming; like a jewelry store or something.

I would have liked to go look around and see just what they were selling on the shelves, but Damion had his hand at my lower back as he ushered me up to the counter to where an old guy stood. He was smiling when we came to stop in front of his counter and I decided I liked him already. His eyes looked kind, so I smiled back and the corners of his eyes crinkled.

“Damion, it’s been awhile.” He said and I looked between them in surprise.

Damion only nodded.

“I didn’t realize you were still training. I heard you’d thrown in the towel for good.”

“I have.” He said and I looked up at him when his hand came to rest on my shoulder. “This one’s a special case. His name is Cam.”

The old man smiled as his eyes met mine, and I felt a pool of warmth in my chest at Damion’s words.

“I’m sure he is. He’s beautiful.” The old man continued and I felt my face grow so hot that I was tempted to turn away. I looked down instead, and I felt Damion’s hand running through my curls.

“Thank you.” He said and for whatever reason my face grew hotter.

“Now what can I do for you today?”

The man’s tone had gone completely professional now, and I listened as Damion rattled off a list of things. While they spoke, I allowed my eyes to drift as I took in some of the things they had hung up around the store. There were whips and paddles and some other things I wasn’t familiar with. They all looked fancy and expensive; like the ones Damion had at his house. The quality looked pretty good too, and the fact that I didn’t see any price tags told me that maybe this wasn’t a place just anybody came to.

“You can go look around if you want.” Damion said then, and I looked back at him to see him examining something in his hands. It looked like a riding crop, but not like any I’d ever seen before. He weighed it in his hand and questioned the old guy about measurements and some other boring stuff, so I did what he suggested and left his side to go look around.

As I walked down the wide aisles, I made sure not to touch anything. I didn’t think I’d be able to afford to pay for something if I broke it and I didn’t want Damion to get upset with me.

I decided I liked the colors more than anything. It was cool the way they’d organized them on the shelves, making the toys all the more inviting. Most of all though, there was one thing that really pulled me in.; a wall of things actually. They were collars, a whole wall of them, just sitting there waiting for some attention.

When I came to a stop in front of them I felt like I’d just about died and gone to heaven. There were different colors, but mostly black, ranging from simple to extravagant and I loved them all. Without thinking, I reached up to remove one from where it hung, when Damion called my name and I pulled away, giving the wall one last look before I made my way back to the counter where he stood.

There were trays of toys laid out in front of him and when I came to stand beside him, he gestured toward them.

In one tray there were cock cages; lots of them. I hadn’t realized that there were so many different types until I was staring down at them. The clear ones looked kind of cool and then there were the standard metal ones that actually looked like cages; I didn’t like those too much, but really, what did it matter if they were all supposed to do the same thing.

“Pick one.” Damion said, and I looked up at him in surprise.

“Me?” I asked in awe, and he nodded.

I glanced down at the tray again, finding it hard to believe that he was actually giving me a choice. Since when did a master care what a sub wanted? When did things get so complicated?

I reached out and picked up the blue one—not just because it was transparent and cool looking, but because it was also in my favorite color and it had caught my eye.

When I looked back at Damion to make sure he was okay with it, he just nodded and the old man reached over to take it from me. I watched as he set it aside, removed the tray and replaced it with another one. This time there were plugs; butt plugs to be exact. I’d never worn one myself, but I’d seen plenty. This time when Damion told me to choose, I didn’t hesitate. I just snagged the blue one. I figured it would be cool if I got to use matching toys.

“Give me something smaller in the same color.” Damion told the man when I showed him my choice, and I watched as the old guy dipped under the counter and stood with another tray. The plugs on that tray ranged in sizes, but they were all smaller than the one I held. Damion chose this time. Picking up another blue one that was a whole lot smaller than what I’d first picked. So I handed it back to the guy and he set Damion’s down beside the cock cage.

The next items were handcuffs, which Damion chose. They were the black leathery kind, that probable wouldn’t leave too many bruises, and finally, the old guy set out blindfolds and this time when I picked up the one I liked; a nice baby blue one that looked soft and comfortable, Damion’s mouth lifted in what I could only describe as amusement.

“Alright I think that’s about it. “ Damion turned his attention to the guy, then he glanced back at me. “Unless there’s something you see that you want?”

My mind automatically drifted back to the wall of collars but I shook my head. “No, nothing.”

…………………………….

It was one of those really relaxing days, where the sun wasn’t too hot and the breeze floating through the window was just right and the radio station was being kind enough to play all your favorite songs, but inside I wasn’t relaxed. I was nervous, and in my head I kept repeating the same line over and over so that when it finally came out of my mouth, I would sound cool and collected.

It wasn’t even anything important, I just wanted to make conversation with Damion, because now he was taking me home and I didn’t know when I’d see him again. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He looked relaxed and a million miles away. Why did I have to be so shy all the time?

I looked down at the journal nestled in my lap and traced my fingers over my engraved name. I liked that it was so big and heavy. It made me feel like it could manage all of my silly thoughts, and I figured that if I couldn’t keep Damion forever then at least I’d have this. I’d write everything down and I could read it all again and remember. I smiled.

“You really are beautiful you know, you should smile more.”

I looked at him when he said it,and looked away quickly when I felt my face heat. It felt weird getting compliments from people who weren’t Monte.

“Thank you.”

“I’m serious, you only have to look in the mirror to see.” He continued, and when I glanced at him again I could see the sincerity in his eyes.

“You should smile more too.” I mumbled, and he laughed; a deep, unrestrained sound that made me feel warm inside.

“I’ll do my best.” He continued and reached over to ruffle my hair. “Are you working tomorrow?”

I shook my head. “I have Saturdays and Sundays free.”

“Yeah? What do you do on your free days?”

“Paint mostly, but sometimes I hang out with Monte.” I told him “We synchronized or schedules so we have the weekends together, but she has a boyfriend now so she stays over at his place on the weekends mostly.”

He nodded. “Is painting something you’re passionate about, or is it just a hobby?”

“I’m passionate about it. I’d paint everyday if I could.” I looked down at the journal again, then back at him. “But Monte says painting’s not practical, so I work at the diner… and I like it.”

He was silent for a long time before he said; “But you don’t love it.”

I shook my head in answer, but it didn’t really sound like he was asking a question.

We traveled in silence for a while after that, and I thought about asking him about his passion, but by the time I’d worked up the courage to form the conversation, we were pulling up to my flat and he was handing me my bag.

“I’ll see you next weekend. Maybe you can show me some of your paintings then.” He was saying as I closed the door behind me, and with a blush and a nod, I made my way up the stairs. It took me a while to fit my key into the lock, but when I finally did and stepped inside, he was still waiting on the curb. The moment I raised a hand and waved, he honked his horn once, and was rolling down the street.

I missed him even before his break lights disappeared around the bend.

………………………..

I kicked the door shut behind me and dropped my bag on the floor beside our one dying plant.

“Monte?” I called out, once, twice and when I got no reply, I assumed she was at Leo’s place.

The first thing I did was collapse onto the sofa, shoes and all, and stare up at the ceiling with my journal clutched to my chest. I felt like my life had suddenly turned into a movie, because this kind of thing just didn’t happen to normal people. People like me didn’t get attention from guys with faces like Damion’s. We didn’t get to eat at their table and joke around with their best friend and have then take us home. I closed my eyes and his face floated around in my mind. Monte would tell me I’m crazy, but I had to be in love, there was no other explanation for the way I was feeling.

I smiled so hard my cheeks began to ache and smiled some more. If I could just be good enough to make him want to keep me then I would be so happy. I just had to be good and the first step would be to do what he said and write in my journal.

I sat up, fluffed up the cushion behind me and snagged a pen from the basket on the coffee table. When I opened the page it was that new book smell I loved, and I ran my hand over the blank pages. I liked that the journal came with one of those string bookmarkers, it made it all the more authentic.

I uncapped the pen just as a knock sounded on the front door and I wondered if maybe Monte had forgotten her key again.

“Coming!” I called, and hopped off the couch and across the room, only, when I pulled open the door it was Leo and not Monte standing there.“

“Hey Cam, can I come in?” he asked, but moved past me before I could respond.

“Monte’s not here.” I told him, hoping he’d just turn and head back out, but he only shrugged and offered me that cocky smile I hated.

“I’ll wait.”

I closed the door reluctantly behind me and followed him into the living room, where I picked up the journal and turned, with every intention of going to my room.

“Why don’t you keep me company until she gets here? Maybe we can catch up.”

I didn’t want to ‘catch up’ though. I didn’t even want to be in the same room with Leo. He made me uncomfortable, but I turned around anyway and sat in the couch as far away from him as I could, because I couldn’t be rude to Monte’s boyfriend and I didn’t like the idea of insulting someone who was bigger than me.

Leo perched on the arm of the couch and gestured to the book. “You keeping a journal now?”

When I nodded he smiled, that creepy, slow smile that made me wish I could just disappear into the couch. “You writing down all those deep dark secrets you have huh?”

I shook my head “I don’t have deep, dark secrets.”

That’s when he got up, and I watched him warily as he walked over and came to sit right beside me.

“Is that so?” he drawled, and I nodded, looking down at my hands, which I’d clasped in my lap. “Everybody has secrets though.” He said, and I froze when his hand came to rest on my thigh. “I’m actually really good at keeping them. Are you?” he asked, shifting even closer, and the moment I tried to stand, he latched onto my arm and pulled me back down.

“Don’t be like that Cam.” He drawled in that sickly sweet voice. “We’re just having a conversation here aren’t we?”

I nodded, conscious of the fingers biting into my arm.

“You never answered me though, you’re good at keeping secrets right?” My heart pounded painfully in my chest as his grip on my arm loosened.

“I don’t know.” I whispered, and watched as he returned his hand to my thigh, moving it slowly back and forth over the denim.

“I think you are.”

“I…I have a lot of stuff to do.” I told him.

“I think you can spare a few minutes.” I could feel his hot breath against my neck as he leaned closer.

“Please, I just…” my voice shook.

“You just what?”

“Monte will be home any second.”

“You let me worry about Monte.”

I thought that maybe I’d somehow gained the interest of some guardian angel because in that moment I heard the turning of keys in the front door, and soon after Monte was calling my name. Leo shot out of the couch so quickly that I hardly had the time to catch my breath, and I watched him warily as I stood on shaky legs.

“Oh there you are.” Monte said when she came around the corner, and the moment she spotted Leo, her face broke out in a smile. “Babe you should have told me you were coming over, I would have gotten here sooner.” She was telling him as she crossed the room, and the moment he wrapped her up in a hug I darted out of there and into my room where I locked the door behind me.

My hands were shaking as I sat on the edge of my bed. I could hear Monte’s excited voice in the other room as she told Leo about her day and I blinked back the moisture from my eyes. I was afraid of him. It was stupid but I was and I hated being the coward all the time.

I hate Leo , I thought as I heard his laughter, and I wished I could tell Monte, but she was happy and I wouldn’t do that to her.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared at the screen for what felt like forever. It would be so nice if I could just call Damion and tell him all about it. I wondered what he’d say. Leo wouldn’t even dream about messing with a guy like Damion. I bet Damion would just have to give him one look and he’d turn the other way.

I took a deep, shaky breath. My thumb hovered over his name in my contact list for a while before I just shook my head and stretched out on the bed. Damion wouldn’t want to hear about this stuff. I bet he had a million more important things to do and I didn’t want to bother him for something so silly anyway.

The next time I heard Leo’s laughter, I pulled the blanket over my head, shut my eyes tight and pictured myself somewhere else until I eventually fell asleep.

……………………………………

December 16, 2015

Dear Journal,

My name is Cam. I’ve never had a journal before so I don’t really know how to start, but Damion said I should write down my feelings and thoughts and that kinda stuff, so that’s what I’ll do. It’s Wednesday night and I don’t really know how I’m feeling. I’m not happy, but I’m also not sad. I guess I’m just here. This morning before work I organized all the paintings I’m going to show to Damion and I’m kinda nervous about that because I don’t know what he’ll think about them. I kinda wish I’d never even told him I paint, but Monte says an artist has to be open to criticism because people will always criticize, no matter how good you are at what you do.

I don’t want my work to be criticized though. I just want people to like it because I think I did a good job of them. Mr Esponzo gave me my Christmas bonus early yesterday so I can start my Christmas shopping now, even though it’s already so late in the month. I also want to take Monte out for dinner one day next week because she’s been really stressed lately. It’s hard writing down my thoughts because there’s always too much stuff going on in my head and it’s hard to find the right one to write about.

I haven’t seen Damion since Saturday, but he says he’s going to pick me up Friday night so I’m really excited. I think he’s going to use some of the sex toys he bought on Saturday which is cool. Damion says he’ll probably read some of what I write in here so it feels weird writing when I know he’ll read it, but he says I need to be honest, so the honest thing to say is that I really hope he won’t use any of his whips on me. I don’t like the feeling of it and I don’t like the scars, but I can take it if that’s what he wants though, because a good submissive can take anything. That’s what Master Drake said.

It’s really hard to figure out what to write in here, so I think that’s all I’ll write for tonight, but Damion says I have to write about the highlight of my day.

The highlight of my day was when I got the chance to go through all my old paintings again. Some of them made me smile.

-Cam.

                                                                     AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 9: Runt of the litter

Chapter 9

Damion

“Why?”

My brows furrowed at his question. “What do you mean why ?”

“Why? Why now?” he spread his arms wide. “Why all of a sudden?”

I frowned “Who said it was all of a sudden?”

Donny shook his head, but a small smile played about his lips. I watched as he pushed back in his chair and folded his arms before him. “You can’t bullshit me Damion. I know you.” He said. “You like to plan. You like to roll an idea around in your head for a long time, find all the possible hitches, do all the math and all that shit before you even discuss it with anyone.”

“And here I am, discussing it with you. What’s the issue?”

“The issue is brother , that whenever you have a business idea, you call the whole team together and you convince us using facts, figures, a business plan, charts” he waved his hand around as he spoke as though each item he called was floating around in the air.“

I raised a brow and he sighed. “Okay, maybe not charts, but you know what I mean and you’re wasting your time trying to convince me otherwise, so tell me what made you suddenly drop everything and come to me with this random idea.”

I hesitated—something I never did—and he noticed. “What if I told you I just have a good feeling about this?”

Now it was his turn to raise a brow. “A good feeling.” He repeated the words slowly, as though trying them out for the first time. Then he stood, walked around his desk and came to stand in front of me.

“Wha—”

I was cut off as he bent slightly at the waist so he could stare into my eyes; a suspicious, searching look on his face. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” he questioned, and I shook my head and pushed him away.

“I’m serious Donny.” I said

“I can see that.” He tapped his finger against his chin as he watched me carefully. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with your new sub would it?”

I frowned “What would wanting to expand our business have to do with Cam?” I asked in annoyance and he shrugged.

“I don’t know, ever since you started spending so much time with him you seem different.”

“Different.” I said simply.

He nodded, “Yeah, less like you have a heart of steel and more…human.” he finished, and when I frowned he was quick to say; “This is a good thing of course.”

“Can we stop with this nonsense and get back to the matter at hand please?”

It was then that he finally relented, and with a sigh, moved to leaned against his desk. “Hey, I like the idea of opening another branch and I’m sure the others will too.” He began, but I could already sense the but coming. “but opening it in Chicago doesn’t sound like a sound business decision.”

“What’s wrong with Chicago?”

If I didn’t know better I’d say he rolled his eyes at me “Everything.”

I groaned. “Donny—”

“Okay, how about this.” He interrupted. “You show me why Chicago is our best bet. Lay out your strategy, show me the numbers and all that other crap you always do and I’ll back you with the others, but you can’t come to me with a good feeling for something as important as this and expect me to back your play Damion.”

For a moment I glared at him while he watched me calmly and with raised brows, until finally I shook my head and agreed to his terms. “I’ll have something prepared by next week.”

“Great, that’s what I like to hear.” He grinned, rubbed his hands together, then said, “Now tell me about Cam.”

“No.” I glanced over to the corner of the room where a litter of fur balls fought for the attention of their mother, noting in particular, the runt of the litter, who, no matter how hard he tried, couldn’t get past the others.

“You know, your reluctance to tell me about him is just cementing the fact that you really do feel something for him.”

“The only thing it means is that I don’t discuss my subs…with anyone.”

“Really?” he asked with a raised brow, “What about all the other subs you’ve had no problem talking to me about over the years?”

“I’ve never talked to you about my other subs Donny.”

“That’s because I’ve never asked, but I’m asking now.”

“Why the sudden interest?”

He shrugged. “What can I say, I never like the others…but I like Cam.”

My eyes narrowed. “You’ve never even met him.”

“Doesn’t matter. I can see a difference in you and if he can achieve so much in such a short time then the guy’s practically family.”

There was no difference though, Donny was simply seeing what he wanted to see as always, and trying to persuade him otherwise would be a waste of time.

I glanced at the puppies again. They looked like moving fur balls against the hardwood floor. The smallest one, who’d been unsuccessful in getting past the others was now sitting alone in the corner, watching his brothers and sisters vie for their mother’s attention. He just sat there, having given up so quickly, willing to let the others treat him the way they wanted, willing to take whatever scraps of affection he could get because he was afraid to fight; afraid he’d lose.

It was crazy how much he reminded me of Cam and I shook my head.

“He’s been abused by every Dom he’s been with, and now he thinks it’s normal.” I told my brother. “I could beat him half to death with a club and he’d come limping back with an apology.”

“Jesus.” Donny breathed, and when I looked at him, his eyes were wide with concern.

“He doesn’t know any better.” I continued. “He’s afraid of his own shadow and he thinks he needs my approval just to breathe.”

“That’s fucked up Damion. “Donny was saying. The smile had long ago left his face.

I nodded. “He’s beautiful though.” I told him, and pulled out my phone, tapped the screen a couple times before turning it to Donny. I watched as he looked at the picture on the screen. I’d taken it once when Cam was asleep. His face was smooth of all worry as he slept; propped against a pillow with his dark curls framing his delicate face. I should have deleted it a long time ago, but for whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“He is.” Donny nodded. “He looks so young.” He continued almost reverently.

“He’s innocent…and good.” I shook my head. “I didn’t think a truly good person still existed until I met him.” I smiled, and when I retrieved the phone from Donny, who now watched me in silence, I chuckled. “and he’s clumsy as hell; can’t go a day without getting a scratch or bruise.”

“Sounds like you really care about him.”

My attention went back to the puppy, who was now lying in his corner, his small head resting on his paws.

“I care about what happens to him.” I said honestly. “Which is why I’m helping him. He won’t leave the lifestyle, it’s too much a part of who he is, so I want to teach him how to survive it. I want him to be able stand up for himself when he needs to.”

A brief silence followed my words before Donny spoke again. “What happens when you’re done training him? You think it’ll just be easy for him to move on when you’re the only person in his life who’s ever shown him kindness? Isn’t it cruel to expect him to?”

“I’ll set him up with a Dom I trust; Stan or David. They’ll treat him right, and he’ll be collared in no time. It’s what he wants.”

“What about you?” he questioned.

“What about me?”

“Why can’t you be the one to collar him?”

I looked him in the eyes “You know why.”

Donny shook his head and pushed himself off the desk. “That sub is gonna melt that heart of yours Damion” he told me with all seriousness. “And there won’t be a damn thing you can do to stop it.”

I stood when he settled himself around his desk again. “I’ll see you on Sunday.” I told him and I was at the door before I paused and turned around, making my way over to the litter of puppies in the corner.

I bent and scooped up the little one and tucked him under my arm. “I’m taking this one.” I told Donny, who looked at me in amusement, but otherwise said nothing, and a few minutes later I was depositing the fur ball into the passenger seat of my car.

“Ready?” I asked it when I’d strapped on my seatbelt, but it only watched me with his head resting once again on his paws.

Cam will love him . I thought, as I backed out of my brother’s driveway.

………………………………………………..

The puppy was a pain in the ass, but the searing pain in my abdomen was much worse. I shifted uncomfortably on the bed, careful not exert too much energy.

That’s what you get, I thought. That’s what you get for running into a burning building without backup and against orders . My mind drifted to the night of the incident and to the two days I’d spent strapped to a hospital bed because of it. They’d told me I was lucky to be alive and I had to agree. After all, not many people walked away from almost being crushed to death by a wooden beam, and I’d not only walked away, but I’d walked away with minimum damage. If you could call my heavily bandaged abdomen and the deep gouge beneath it minimum .

I hadn’t told Donny about the injury because I wasn’t in the mood to watch him play mother hen, but times like this, when the pain became so intense that I couldn’t breathe without feeling it, made me wonder if keeping my mouth shut had been sensible.

In a few short minutes the pills would take effect though and I’d be glad I hadn’t let it slip. I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand and glanced at the sleeping puppy. I’d gone through the trouble of setting him up with his own pillow on the floor in the corner of the room and the thing had still cried and cried until I’d had no choice but to take him with me onto the bed, where he’d promptly fallen asleep. As I glared at it, I wondered if I’d been right to take it from my brother earlier today. I wondered if it would turn out to be more trouble than it was worth.

I ran my fingers gently over the bandages. Tomorrow I’d be picking up Cam and I wondered if there was much sense in that considering my present condition, but Cam, who had actually built up the courage to text me the night before to ask what time I’d be picking him up, was far too excited and I wasn’t about to let him down. It seemed he’d had enough of that in his life already.

…………………………………..

The diner was practically empty at this time of night, but I noticed that despite this Cam, who hadn’t realized I’d come by, still kept up a steady pace, wiping down counters with vigor, refilling the cups of patrons with coffee whenever they signaled him over and organizing the salt and pepper shakers on each table as he passed. I hadn’t been there long, but I’d learned the system pretty quickly.

Each worker was responsible for the section of the diner to which they were assigned and it seemed I was sitting in the section of a very plump waitress with rosy cheeks and a very lazy disposition. There were three patrons in her sections and so far she’d only served one of us. Not that I’d come in for the food and coffee anyway.

I continued to watch Cam buzz about, which was really the only word I could use to describe his movements. He was energetic, very pleasant to his remaining customers and genuinely seemed to enjoy what he was doing. It was just too bad that just as I was about to get up and seat myself in his section, that the plump waitress spotted me, blushed a very deep shade of red, and came bustling over to my table—leaving the customer who had come in long before me, staring at her in annoyance.

“Hi there.” She greeted with a bright smile.

I nodded in answer and she held up her coffee pot. “Coffee?”

“Just water…please.” I requested, and with a quick nod and an expression of uncertainty she was hurrying across the floor once again, ignoring the lone customer who was trying to get her attention.

She was back in an instant, and while she poured the chilled liquid into my glass, I asked her to let Cam know I was here.

She looked surprised as she regarded me with raised brows. “You’re here for Cameron?” she questioned, as though it were the strangest thing she’d ever heard, but when I merely nodded in response she turned and left to do my bidding. By this time the lone customer had left the diner in an angry huff and I took a sip of the water.

Cam flushed red the moment he looked past his coworker and spotted me and gave a shy little wave which forced a smile out of me and sent an involuntary flush throughout my body. It was just unfortunate that this weekend would be an uneventful one because of my injury, but something told me that Cam wouldn’t mind in the slightest.

I watched as he glanced down at his watch and quickly began pulling the apron over his head as he made his way over to my chair.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize it was so late.” He told me with a soft smile. “I put my bag in the back so I’ll just go run and get it.”

“Take your time. I’ll wait.” I told him and his face turned a deep red shade again, before he turned and quickly made his way to the back of the diner.

It was a quaint little place really. Clean with a relaxing atmosphere. I imagined the place was decorated to pull in the younger crowd, especially since it was located so close to a prominent university and a public high school, which made me think that while it was nice and quiet tonight, it was probably loud and rowdy during the daytime. The walls were painted in a simple olive-green and lined with strategically placed framed photos and cheap modern art. The tables were round and wooden; giving off a rustic vibe, while the chairs were metallic with chipping dark-green paint.

There was a small flat screen television mounted on the wall behind the counter, which was now airing the replay of a college football match and below that, stood the plump waitress from earlier, who was counting her tips and chewing a piece of gum. There was one other person behind the counter; another woman—a girl really, looking about college age, who had a pair of red earphones in her ears and was bobbing her head to whatever music she was listening to, as she put on another pot of coffee.

When Cam reentered the room he was struggling with an oversized bag, which he somehow managed to sling over his shoulder. I pushed up from the table, where I dropped a tip for the waitress, before making my way over to my guest for the long weekend ahead. I took the bag from him and ushered him through the door.

I could hear the puppy barking as soon as we stepped outside, and as I opened the back door to deposit the bag onto the seat, Cam peered through the cracked window at the annoying little fur ball. “You got a puppy?” he asked, pulling open the door, and by the time I’d reached around to my side and hopped in, the thing was already snuggled in his lap.

“What’s his name?” Cam asked, as he ran a hand through the dog’s fur. Truth be told, I hadn’t really even considered naming him. For the most part I called him Hey . Like; hey, don’t do that or hey don’t chew that , or hey stop your barking or hey don’t pee on the goddamn floor .

“I haven’t thought of one yet.” I told him. “You can name him.”

Cam looked at me in surprise. “Really?” and I nodded.

“You hungry?”

“No I ate earlier.” He responded as I backed out of the car park.

“I was actually planning to go get a few things for him tomorrow. Maybe you can help me pick them out.”

Cam’s answering grin was so wide that you’d think I’d just offered to marry him.

“He’s really cute.” He was saying as we turned at the first intersection, and I glanced at him briefly.

“He’s the runt of the litter, so truth be told, he’s the ugliest.” I felt it necessary to explain to him, but he only laughed; a genuine, beautiful sound that filled the car and sent my libido into overdrive.

“He’s not ugly at all. Did you buy him?”

“No I rescued him from my brother.”

There was a brief silence that caused me to glance at him again and this time he was frowning. “Does your brother not like puppies then?” he asked seriously and I smiled in understanding.

“He loves them.” I explained. “But this one just reminded me of someone.” I told him, and after a moment he nodded.

…………………………..

I think it was a combination of the three of us jogging out of the cold and up the front steps, plus weight of the heavy bag that I was carrying for Cam that did it, but it wasn’t until I was inside the warmth of the house, with the front door locked behind us that I felt it, and even then, I saw the blood before I felt the pain, but holy shit when that pain came, I could only liken it to what I’d felt on that first night in the hospital.

It was Cam who saw it first and came rushing to my side in concern, and I’d noticed for the first time, that I’d involuntarily dropped the bag onto the floor by my side. I’d ripped open my stiches, there was no doubt in my mind, and not only had the evidence of it soaked through the carefully wrapped bandages, but it had also spread onto my stark white shirt.

I figured it was the contrast of the blood against white that really scared Cam as much as it did. That, or the fact that I had long since doubled over, with my palm flat against the wound.

“Just a small injury.” I assured him while he clutched my arm and we made our way up the stairs and into the master bathroom.

I would have pulled the shirt over my head, but the simple action of lifting my arms sent such a ripple of agony throughout my body, that I settled with cutting the shirt off with a pair of scissors, while Cam watched with wide, terrified eyes from the doorway. When the shirt was off and had fallen to the floor, staining the cream rug at my feet, I began the process of unwrapping the bandages with shaking hands.

“We should go to the hospital.” Cam’s small voice interrupted my process, but I was shaking my head even before he got the last word out.

“It’s nothing serious. I’ll be fine.” I told him as the cold-sweat broke out along my forehead.

I took a short break from the unwrapping because I’d become dizzy, and instead gripped the sink and closed my eyes as I drew in deep breaths.

“I’m gonna call a taxi for us okay?” Cam’s tearful voice sounded from the doorway, but I shook my head.

“It looks much worse than it is Cam. I promise. Go watch TV or something. I’ll be fine.” I assured him as I looked up at my pale face in the bathroom mirror.

It’s not that serious . I thought to myself as I resumed the unwrapping, and the next time I looked toward the doorway, Cam was gone. I made slow work of it because, for whatever reason, my hands were shaking too much to be of much use to me, and for a second time I had to pause to catch my breath. I lowered myself onto the closed toilet cover and leaned back until my head was resting against the wall.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but when I opened my eyes again, it was to the sound of the doorbell. I pushed up very slowly from the seat, and took my time crossing the bathroom floor. By the time I’d reached the door, I heard the bedroom door fly open, and Cam was rushing toward me with a stranger in tow.

That was the last thing I remembered.

…………………………………..

I opened my eyes to soft dimmed lighting and the smell of peppermint.

“How are you feeling?” a hoarse voice questioned from my right, and I turned my head to see Cam sitting in bed with a line of pillows between us and a cup of what looked to be tea in his hands. He was watching me with wide, red-rimmed eyes and I realized for the first time that I was stretched out on my back in bed, naked save for a pair of boxer shorts and fresh, clean bandages wrapped around my torso.

“Did you do this?” I asked him, having already surmised that I’d probably blacked out earlier, but he shook his head.

“The doctor did. Monte used to call him for me after…after….”

After he was abused and was too hurt to travel to the hospital, I guessed and I nodded. “Thank you.”

“What happened to you?” he whispered, gripping the cup tighter.

“One of the hazards of the job.” I explained.

“When did it happen?”

“Monday night.”

“So…so you could have died? Was it really bad?”

I noticed his expression for what it was; fear, so I lied to protect him. “Not at all. I promise it wasn’t anything serious.”

It seemed to calm him down and he nodded in relief. “The doctor says you weren’t supposed to be lifting anything heavy with an injury like that.” he continued. “He said you’re supposed to get lots of rest and that you shouldn’t exert yourself.

I nodded at the familiar words. Sitting still had never been my strong suit.

I shifted slightly on the bed, glad when I didn’t even feel so much as a twinge.

“You got an injection.” Cam told me, and I nodded. Of course . “I can take next week off and take care of you.” He continued, and when I glanced at him with raised brows, he flushed despite his obvious eagerness.

I grinned. “I think I can manage Cam.”, then before the light in those beautiful eyes could dim, I continued. “But you’re welcome to come by if you want to.”

“I do.” He smiled, then looked down at his cup and back at me. “Do you want something to drink? Or eat? I can make you something.”

“Thanks, but I think I’m good.” Then, “Did you write in your journal like we agreed?”

Cam nodded.

“Go get it.” I told him, and he placed the cup carefully on the side table and slid off the bed. He disappeared briefly out the door and came back a minute later with the journal in his hands.

When he’d settled once more onto the bed, I asked him to read me the first entry—There were only two.

He hesitated at first, but did as I asked, blushing all the way through, and I smiled as I listened, my head propped up on a mound of pillows as his soft voice floated over me. I frowned at the bit about his last Dom, but decided that was something that we’d need to tackle later.

When he finished, he turned the page and began to read the second entry without being asked;

December 16, 2015

Dear Journal,

I painted something for the first time in a while today. It wasn’t anything special, just Monte’s

cat. She was sitting on the arm of our chair in the living room and she stayed there the whole

time while I painted her. I think maybe she knew I needed her to sit still while I did it, because the second I was done she left. It came out pretty good and I gave it to Monte when it was dry.

She really liked it. She even went and hung it on her room wall.

Work was okay. I found out today that I made employee of the month again. It was cool seeing my picture up on the wall for a second time. I’m gonna try to get it up there for a third time in a row, but then maybe I should let somebody else get a chance; like Rita. She didn’t like it when the boss put my picture up there again.

I was thinking of maybe going down to the zoo one of these days. There’s just so much I could paint there and maybe I could even get people to buy a few of them when I’m done. I miss Damion. There’s not really much that happens in the week to write about since I spend most of my time at work, but It feels nice writing down some of the things I’m thinking about. Monte thinks it’s a good idea too. She says it’s not healthy to keep stuff bottled up anyway and that this will help me relieve stress, but I don’t think I’m stressed, I think I’m just bored most of the time. It would be nice to do something fun one day. I think i’ll try to maybe bake us a cake this Christmas and maybe some cupcakes; that should be fun.

Leo came over again today when Monte was at work, but I stayed in my room this time.

The highlight of my day was getting employee of the month again. Monte was very proud of me when I told her.

-Cam

                                                               AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 10: Control

Chapter 10

I’d been served breakfast in bed. I couldn’t even remember the last time that had happened.

Cam had gone through the trouble of fixing me a large bowl of porridge, an equally large bowl of chicken noddle soup and a cheese sandwich, which came with a tall glass of orange juice and a small cup of peppermint tea. Then of course, there was the bottle of pain pills he’d found in the bathroom medicine cabinet that he’d added to the mix—incase I was feeling pain, he’d said.

Beside me, he sat with his own small tray which contained a half-eaten cheese sandwich of his own and a large mug of what I guessed to be extra-sweet coffee—with extra milk.

He watched me carefully as I ate a little bit of everything; his eyes following the spoon from the moment it left the bowl, to my mouth and back. He reminded me of Donny then; the over-protective side of my twin at least, but with Cam it was endearing and I smiled as I swallowed another spoonful of the porridge.

“Do you like it?”

The soup was salty enough to make a man worry about hypertension, the porridge was bland, the sandwich was a sandwich and the tea was too sweet, but I told him it was all delicious and he beamed at me like I’d given him the sun.

“That damn dog.” I muttered when the barking on the other side of the door grew steadily louder.

“I already fed him. Maybe he just wants company.”

I watched as Cam placed his cup on the side table and hopped out of bed to go rescue the puppy. It quietened the second the door opened and wagged its little bushy tail when Cam carried it onto the bed with him. I watched as the devil curled itself between Cam’s legs and yawned.

“I don’t know what name to choose. It has to be something he’ll like since he’ll have it forever.”

I shook my head. “Somehow I doubt he’ll mind.”

Cam looked at me thoughtfully. “I didn’t think you’d even like puppies.”

“I don’t.” I told him honestly, then when he frowned, I continued; “Tell me about Master Drake.”

“Master Drake?” he looked down at the dog, and ran his fingers through its fur before he met my eyes again.

“He took care of me…but I let him down, so he said…” He swallowed hard. “He said we couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Let him down how?”

“Cause I went and got my arm broken and dislocated my shoulder. Master Drake said I wasn’t tough enough….but I learned from it.” he was quick to add. “I’m not gonna let you down or anything. I swear.” When I frowned, his bottom lip trembled. “I’m better this time.”

My frown deepened. “How did you break your arm?”

This time he fidgeted with the edge of the covers, but said nothing. I watched him for a long time and with every passing second I could feel his discomfort grow.

“That man doesn’t deserve to be a Dom.” I said finally, and his eyes flashed to mine. “He was just a bad experience you had once and now it’s time for you to learn from it.”

His brows wrinkled. “But—”

“Do you know who’s in control in a relationship like this?” I interrupted.

He nodded, looking uncertain. “You are.”

I smiled. “No. You are.”

“I don’t understand.”

“The submissive is always in control.” I told him seriously. “You decide how far I can go with you. You set the limits, you choose when it ends. I have power yes, but you control how I exert that power, which means you have all the control.”

“B—But Master Drake said—”

“Forget Master Drake. He’s no longer relevant and everything he told you was bullshit anyway. From now on you’re starting over.” I told him. “I know it won’t be easy, but I want you to forget all the negative experiences you had before and adapt what I teach you because I’m teaching you the right way. Do you understand?”

He nodded.

“Good. The most important thing you need to understand is that you’re human. You’re not indestructible and you have emotions. So if someone is trying to break you, whether physically or emotionally, then you need to put an end to it. That’s your responsibility, because only you know your limits.”

Another nod. “Okay.”

“If you don’t like something, you make it stop, understand?”

Another nod. “And how do you do that?”

“My safe word?”

“Exactly. What’s your safe word?”

“Pancakes.”

“Good. The second thing you need to understand is that the only people who matter are those who have your best interests in mind…like your friend Monte for instance.”

“And you?”

I smiled at his softly spoken words. “And me.”

He was watching me intently now; his big eyes fixed on my face and his cheeks flushed.

“And the third and most important thing you should know, is that sometimes I can be a grumpy son of a bitch, but if I’m ever keeping up my usual bullshit, you can feel free to tell me to fuck off…respectfully of course.”

That got a smile out of him and I reached over to pull gently on his curls. He was so delicate and adorable and perfect. I hooked a hand behind his neck and pulled him in for a light kiss. When I pulled away, his face was flushed deep-red and he couldn’t seem to meet my eyes.

“You’ll always be safe with me Cam. You can tell me absolutely anything. You can ask me whatever you want and I’ll never judge. I’m here to help you and everything you say is relevant okay?”

He nodded, but he still couldn’t quite meet my eyes.

I shifted my tray to the table on my side of the bed and raised a leg so I could prop my elbow on my knee. I could feel the wound throbbing beneath the bandages. “Now tell me about Rita.”

He leaned back against with headboard with a shrug. “She hates me.” He explained in earnest. “She’s been working at the diner for way longer than me and she’s never gotten employee of the month. I heard her telling some of the other workers that I only got it because I suck up to the boss, but we don’t even see him that much, and I’ve only ever talked to him like three times and it was just because he likes to talk, but I work really hard.”

I bit back a grin. “I have no doubt that you do.”

He took a deep breath. “I tried giving her tips once so I could help her win, but I think I offended her.” He told me quite seriously. “She doesn’t talk to me at all now, or if she does, she calls me Cameron .”

This time I couldn’t help the laugh that burst forth at his tirade. He was gold, he truly was…especially as he watched me with narrowed eyes and a cute little frown. “If she really wanted Employee of the Month she would work hard for it. Don’t give up on another one just because she’s lazy.”

He seemed to consider my words. “Yeah, I guess.” Then completely out of the blue; “Do you want me to give you a blow job?”

It surprised me how he could be such a blushing virgin at times and at others, so unapologetically blunt. It was a damn shame that my body was practically aching with exhaustion. I couldn’t get it up to save my life, and I realized for the first time, just how much of a toll ripping open the wound last night had taken on my body.

“You can have your way with me tonight, I promise. But for now, I think I need at least a couple more hours of sleep.”

“Are you feeling pain?” he asked when I carefully arranged myself on my back and rested a hand over my bandaged torso.

“No doctor, I’m just tired.”

That earned me a smile, but the concern I saw in his eyes was palpable. He gestured to my tray. “Are you finished?” but he was slipping out of bed with his own tray in hand before I could answer.

“Yeah thanks.” I watched as he moved efficiently around to my side of the bed and transferred my tray to his. He took up the pill bottle as though intending to take it with him, then seemed to think better of it as he replaced it onto the table beside me. I noted the fact that the left the half glass of orange juice as well.

He looked at me then, and for a long moment he just stood there, before he simply shook his head. “You should sleep if you’re tired.” He said. “I’m going downstairs for a while.” Then he crossed the room and closed the door quietly behind him before he left.

I settled into the soft bedding and pulled the covers up to my chest. Beside me, the dog slept where Cam had left him; curled in on himself. I ran a hand absently over the bandage and thought seriously about taking a couple pills to numb the persistent throbbing, but before I could make a decision, the darkness came for me and I went with it into a very deep and dreamless sleep.

I woke briefly at some point long after that, because I felt someone tucking me in. I felt the press of soft, moist lips against mine and I unconsciously searched for them when they disappeared; missing the feel of that comforting touch, but then they returned; this time as a gentle brush against my forehead.

“I’m going to take good care of you Damion.” A voice whispered, and as the darkness closed in around me once again, I felt warm and comfortable, but most importantly; I felt…safe.

The next time I resurfaced, it was because of the pounding of heavy boots on the wooden staircase. I groaned when I heard my brother’s voice and my eyes blinked open.

“What do you mean he’s sleeping in? What’s wrong with him?” I heard the irritation in his voice as he grew closer, and I raised a hand to block the stream of bright light coming in from the parted curtains. I pulled the covers up past my battered torso, just as Donny came bursting through the door.

The dog started barking the second the door slammed against the wall and I cursed at the unnecessary interruption. “Jesus Christ Donny, what the fuck are you doing?” I growled; hand still held at an angle as I shielded my watering eyes.

“What am I doing? What the hell are you doing? Why are you still in bed?”

“Because it’s mine, last time I checked. What’s the problem?”

And so the headache formed and throbbed…then throbbed harder. I rested my arm against my forehead and closed my eyes.

“You never sleep in. What’s going on?”

I could already hear the mother hen in him, waiting for a chance to rear her ugly head. “I was in the mood.”

“In the mood.” He repeated stupidly and I frowned as the throbbing grew.

“What are you doing here anyway?”

He took his sweet time answering, and when he did, it wasn’t to answer my question. “In the mood.” He repeated once more. “I’ve known you my whole life and you’ve never slept in…not once…except that time dad beat you so bad you couldn’t move…” his voice trailed off, and finally, I glanced at him, taking in his tense shoulders, the tight mouth and the concern in his eyes.

“Well unless the old man suddenly came back from the dead just to lay one on me, then I’d say you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Damion.” His voice had gone deep with warning.

I chuckled, though the simple act only caused more pain. “Who’s gonna beat the shit outta me? Cam?” I asked, then laughed some more because the thought alone was ludicrous.

Donny and the sub in question shared a look, before Donny’s gaze settled back on mine. He sighed. “Alright asshole. Whatever you say.” He conceded. “Come help me with the grill. I need to borrow yours for tomorrow.” He was already turning towards the door. “And I need one of your gas cylinders. The biggest one you’ve got will do.”

“I’ll help you.” Cam was quick to offer and when Donny glanced back at him, looking him up and down, he flushed red.

“No offence…but I think I need a bit more muscle for this.”

“But—”

“Come on Damion, get your fat ass outta bed. We’ve got a lot to do today.”

When Cam looked at me, I shook my head and he fell silent. What my brother didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. “Gimmie a sec, I’ll be right down.”

Cam’s eyes shot from me, to my brother’s departing back and the words were out of his mouth before I could stop him. “But the doctor said you can’t exert yourself.”

“ The what now ?“ Donny spun around so fast you’d think he’d spent a fair chunk of his time on a ballroom floor.

Cam was beside me in a second, and he pulled the covers away so Donny could see for himself. “See? You can’t let him help you. The doctor said he’s not allowed to lift heavy stuff. Damion needs rest.” He finished assertively—surprising me with his boldness.

That’s what you got for letting a sub play nurse. I’d smile if I didn’t think it would piss Donny off more.

Well the cat was out of the bag. I pushed myself slowly and carefully into a sitting position, which surprisingly, took more effort than I’d expected it to.

It was a moment before Donny spoke again and when he did, it was to ask Cam for a moment alone. Cam looked between us uncertainly, before he finally turned and exited through the door, closing the door behind him as he went.

I was left alone with the devil, who stood with his arms crossed before his chest— his messy hair framing his face, and his eyes hard and glinting. He reminded me of the old man then. He always used to get that look in his eyes just before all hell broke loose on my behind.

Funny how much Donny had in common with the bastard he hated so much.

“Don’t start with the overprotective bullshit. I’m not in the mood.”

He cursed viciously under his breath. “I wouldn’t have to be so damn overprotective if you’d stop showing up on my doorstep half dead.”

I spread my arms wide so he could get a better appreciation of just where he was standing. He shook his head. “What was it this time? Did you fall off a building trying to save a baby monkey?”

“Something like that…yeah.”

Another curse. “Can we be serious now?”

I shook my head. “Okay fine, it was a chimpanzee if we’re going to get technical.”

I got a reluctant smile out of him, but it was gone as quickly as it had come, and he practically deflated before me. I watched him as he picked up the chair and set it right by my bedside. I knew exactly what was coming as he sat down; pleading eyes meeting mine.

“I need you to quit.”

And there it was.

“You know my answer to that Donny, so I don’t know why you keep asking.”

“It’s not like you need to do this Damion. You’re a successful businessman. Why do you have to add firefighting into the mix?”

“You know why.” I told him seriously.

Donny sighed. “You’ve already saved half the world. Leave some for the other guys so I can stop worrying about you.”

“It’s what makes me happy. Don’t you wanna know your brother died a hero?” I asked with a grin.

“I’d rather you not die at all. You’re selfishly risking your life when you’d don’t have to.”

“You need to learn that death is inevitable Donny. One way or another we’re all going, and one day you’re going to have to accept that.”

He glared at me for a long time, and finally, as though he just couldn’t stand fighting anymore, he dropped his head onto the bed. “I need you to quit.” Came his muffled voice. “I’m begging you.”

I ran a hand through his hair and patted the back of his head. He’d always been overprotective. When we were kids I’d grown used to it. Now it was a natural part of our relationship. He never like seeing me hurt—always afraid of losing his brother.

I shook my head. “I’m not going to die. I’ll stay alive forever.” I repeated the words I used to say to him back when we were kids and he used to curl up in my bed and cry because dad had beaten me silly, and he was afraid that it was finally the end.

He raised his head and his eyes met mine. “We’re not kids anymore Damion. This is serious.”

I nodded. “Which is why it’s time you accept the fact that saving lives is what I do, and I won’t give it up.”

He gritted his teeth. “Not even for me?”

“ Especially not for you. We spent our whole lives keeping each other safe.“ I told him. “Let me help other people too.”

……………………………………………..

Cam

It was weird.

It was like looking at Damion, but not. What was even weirder, was that I was sitting in his car staring at him and he didn’t seem to mind…or care; whichever. It was the first time I’d ever met a pair of identical twins. I’d seen others from afar, or on TV, but nothing compared to seeing them up close in person and even though I knew I shouldn’t, I found myself comparing them.

They literally looked like the same person, except that whereas Damion was always well groomed and well dressed, Donny wore his hair long and messy, his face was scruffy and his clothes were crushed and very casual. Donny seemed more carefree—wild even, and it was interesting how different they were even in the car.

Donny was tapping his thumb on the steering wheel in beat with the music, and he even knew the words to a lot of the songs that played. Whenever I travelled with Damion though, the radio was almost always on a news station. I liked that Donny was so friendly, because even though he’d seemed pissed off with Damion when he’d come back downstairs after their talk, he’d still been nice, and now it was like nothing had happened.

I smiled when he started playing the drums on the steering wheel when we came to a stop in traffic, and I liked how generally free-spirited he was. He reminded me so much of Monte, but at the same time, I knew that if I’d been given the choice to choose between them, I’d still choose Damion.

Damion was just…perfect. He had everything in control, and he took care of me and his eyes had meaning in them. Donny’s eyes just looked like eyes, but whenever Damion looked at me, it was like his were telling me something, or stripping me naked or seeing inside my head.

He was like a tree; strong, dependable and big. I also liked how you could feel Damion’s strength. Even without touching him, you just knew it was there, and you wanted to be closer to it. I bit my lip. Damion was like sin; like something very very bad and very very sexy that you weren’t supposed to have, but you just had to try anyway. I closed my eyes and released a breath. I missed him already and we’d only been gone for about half an hour.

Damion had gone and volunteered Donny to take me to my apartment so I could get some extra clothes for the week. I thought for sure he’d say no. Especially after their fight or whatever it was, but they both just acted like it didn’t matter. I wondered if it was that they were just more mature than normal people. Or maybe they just had a very developed relationship.

Must be nice.

“What do you think about my brother?”

I glanced at Donny; surprised by the random question, but he was looking right at me as he waited for the answer.

“Uhm. He’s nice. I… think he’s a good person.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything for a long time and I searched unsuccessfully for something interesting to say.

“He’s damaged.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

Donny shrugged. “Our father damaged him. You could say he doesn’t work right anymore.” He chuckled, and my frown deepened.

“I think he’s perfectly fine.”

Donny inched further along in the traffic and glanced at me briefly. “What I meant to say is that he’s not like other people. He doesn’t allow people to get close to him and he literally doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks of him.”

“That’s not that much different from a lot of other people.”

Donny smiled. “No he is. He’ll go out of his way to protect a stranger, but at the end of the day, he doesn’t give a flying fuck about them and their lives; about what they think or what they want. To him; people may exist and he’ll acknowledge that, and he’ll teach them or employ them, but beyond that, he honestly doesn’t give a damn.”

I didn’t say anything because I thought it was awful that Damion’s brother could be saying these things about him, and the Damion I knew was nothing like he’d described.

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good man and a damn good brother. I love him to death, but sometimes I look at him and I see a man who’s drowning, and I want to help, but there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.”

I clasped my hands tightly together as he spoke.

“He’s different with you though.” Donny continued, and I felt my face flush “I think you could be good for him. Maybe you can put him back together again.”

He was silent after that, and I figured it was because he was as lost in his thoughts as I was in mine. I didn’t think Damion needed putting back together. He was already whole; a little sad looking sometimes, but definitely whole. I hoped Donny was right about one thing though; I hoped I really was good for him, because I really cared about him; honestly I did, and I figured that if I worked really hard and did everything right, then maybe he could come to care for me too; even just a tiny bit.

Ten minutes later we were in my room. Donny was looking through my paintings while I packed a small bag. Once in a while he’d murmur something about one or two of them that made me feel better about my art than I had before.

“Jesus, how are you not making a fortune off of these? This is really good Cam.”

I felt my face go all hot. He was looking at a three-piece painting and he’d laid the canvases out along the floor. It formed one big lake. I remembered painting that one late evening after work a long time ago. I’d been bored and I didn’t really think it was any good, but Donny was staring at it like it had some special meaning and it was making my head swell.

“Monte says it’s not practical.” I told him as I stuffed another shirt into the bag.

“Who’s Monte?”

“My roommate.”

“Well he’s wrong. This right here is a goldmine.” He said. “Talent like this should be showcased in a studio.”

“Monte’s a woman.”

“How much are you selling this for?” he gestured to the three canvasses, and I realized that he was actually interested in buying them.

“You can have them if you want.”

He shook his head. “If you don’t start selling these, you’ll never realize just how valuable they are.” He said seriously. “Give me a price.”

I thought about it for a moment. “Ahmm…Twenty dollars?”

He looked at me like I was crazy and I suddenly felt stupid. “I mean ten…or—or five.”

He shook his head. “Cam take it from a guy who loves Art. This particular piece is worth at least twelve hundred.” He gestured to the stacks of others. “You’ve got pieces here worth far more than that.” He finished. “You’re good Cam…really good.”

I shook my head. He was crazy.

“Hasn’t Damion told you?”

I looked away from him as I zipped up the bag. “He hasn’t seen them yet.”

“Well you’ve seen the art on his walls. He’s a connoisseur. He’ll tell you that I’m right.”

I frowned, looking at the ones he’d chosen again. It was just a lake. I hadn’t even put a whole deal of effort into those.

“You mind if I write you a check?”

“You don’t have to give me so much money. You can just—”

“I’ll write the check and bring it over tomorrow when I come to pick you guys up.” he interrupted.

I didn’t like the idea of him paying so much money for it. What if he put them up on his wall, then realized that they were crap after all?

“Ready?” he gestured to the bag and I picked it up, nodding.

“You mind if I take them now?”

“I don’t mind.”

I watched as he picked them up carefully, and I shook my head. If he really paid me I’d keep the money safe for him for when he decided he wanted a refund.

I locked my bedroom door and scratched Monte’s cat under her chin when she came up to me, then we were heading once again out into the cool air.

“What are you picking us up for tomorrow?”

He let me dump the bag on the back seat, while he placed the paintings upright beside it, then we settled in the front. “Barbeque at my place.”

………………………………………….

The grill was huge and heavy, but I figured maybe Donny still could have lifted it into the back of his truck by himself if it wasn’t such an awkward shape to hold. In the end though, he decided he’d come get it in the afternoon when he was picking us up, and he said he’d bring help next time.

“I’ll bring the check tomorrow.” He promised as he went through the door, and when I turned back to Damion, who was sitting on the couch, he was watching me; amused.

“What was that about?”

I blushed. “He wants to buy one of my paintings.”

He patted the seat beside him and I went to sit there. “You must be really good if Donny’s buying your art.”

I shook my head. “I think maybe he’s just being nice. I wish he would just take it for free. It’s just a lake.”

“You shouldn’t doubt yourself.”

He was looking at me so seriously that I had to look away, and that’s when I saw the dog chewing on the edge of the cushion in the other couch. Damion must have put him up there.

“Happy.”

“Hmm?” Damion absently fingered a lock of my hair.

“His name is Happy…your puppy.”

Damion chuckled. “He’s a troublemaker and he’s whiny. That —” he pointed to the puppy. “is not a happy dog.”

“No, but he will be.” I said, and I felt certain of it.

Damion ran a hand over his abdomen as he watched me, and I frowned then stood. “I’m going to go get your pills.” But he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down.

“Come give me a kiss.” He cupped a hand behind my neck and pulled me to him. Then he was kissing me like he always did; very intense and thorough; like he wanted more of me, but I wasn’t really enough.

It made me hot. It always did, and I felt myself growing in my pants.

His grip on my neck was so strong, that I wouldn’t have been able to move away even if I wanted to…and I didn’t. I wanted this—him. Everywhere he touched felt scorched. I felt his big hand under my shirt, running along my chest and squeezing my nipples hard enough to make me gasp. Then it felt it on my hip and circling my navel, before he slipped into my pants and gripped one ass cheek.

I felt him at my entrance and I panted, lifting my hips slightly to give him more access, but he only teased, while the punishing grip on my neck remained. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth and he nipped and bit and licked until I was too hot to think straight. Then his hand was out of my pants and he was pulling away.

He looked me in the eyes then, and I felt like he was seeing something more than just me. Like he was looking deeper; searching for something. I looked at him too, trying to find the damage Donny was talking about, but I didn’t see it. All I saw was Damion…and he was perfect.

“On your knees.”

I slid off the couch without hesitation and knelt between his legs—eager for what I knew was coming. I watched as he pulled the button on his pants and unzipped it, then he spread his legs wider, and leaned back with a grin. “I’m all yours.” He said, and I felt the heat coursing through me.

I reached for the opening and took him in my hands. He was big and stiff, and I liked the feel of him in my hands. I ran my fingers down his cock and his breath hitched. I liked this; the feeling of control that it gave me.

I looked up and he was watching me. His lids half closed and his mouth slightly parted. I dipped my head and pushed my tongue into the slit. His breath hitched again and finally, I felt his hand in my hair. I sucked the mushroom head into my mouth and slid down, taking as much of him in as I could. Right down until I felt him at the back of my throat, then I pulled up slowly, loving the taste and feel of him against my tongue.

Down again slowly and up. His fingers tightened in my hair, and as I slid my tongue over the slit again, I rolled his balls in my hand. I sucked the head harder and let my teeth graze it just a little bit. Then I swallowed him again; this time sucking harder and faster; up and down six or seven more times before I slowed down again, and he pressed is palms against either side of my face so he could feel himself sliding in and out of my mouth.

His breathing was controlled, but it was strained and I loved the harsh sound of it in my ears. I loved the smell of him, the taste, the feel of him.

My mouth was like a suction on him and when I pulled away, his penis came away with a pop. I began to use my hands. One at first, slowly, then two when I moved faster. He liked it best when I ran my nails down his shaft, and I did it a few times just to hear that hitch in his breathing.

I rubbed my thumb over the slit and it came away wet, and when I dipped my head again, his hands went back into my hair; this time forcing my head down. I loved it. I wanted him to fuck my mouth and I felt like he wanted that too, because a few times his hips raised to do just that, only for him to stop and I figured it was because of his injury. So I took care of him.

 I suckled him and nibbled and licked. Then I sucked some more. Sometimes he pushed me down further and pulled me back up; controlling the pace. Other times he let me do whatever I wanted, and I made sure to let him experience all the tricks I’d learned.

“Good boy.” He whispered once, and I was so pleased that I almost choked on him, but then I took it slower and that’s what made him respond the most. It was like a slow torture I figured, but he let me get away with it. It was while I was going slow that his body finally tensed, and when he came, I swallowed all of him, then sucked some more until there was nothing left.

I could see the sheen of sweat on his brow when I sat back and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I wanted him to tell me I did good and I sat at his feet just watching him for a while, as he leaned back in the chair and just breathed. I was still hard and just breathing in made me feel sensations right up to my tip, but I ignored it, because he hadn’t said I could do anything about it.

“Come here.” He called finally, and I was on the couch beside him in a second. When he leaned in and kissed me, I hadn’t been expecting it, so for a second, I just sat there, until he deepened it and I responded without thinking.

“You like sucking cock boy?” he whispered against my lips when he finally pulled away, and I nodded quickly.

“Yes sir.” My voice came out breathlessly.

His hand dipped into my pants, and when he touched me I sucked in a breath. Just as quickly, he pulled away.

“Strip.” He commanded, and I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped it onto the floor. After that I stood and reached for the waistband of my pants. He watched me as I pulled it down.

                                                                     AUTHOR’S NOTES

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND KEEP SWEET!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

,

Chapter 11: Come Hell or High Water

Chapter 11

“Slowly.”

I did as he said, but the slow brush of the fabric against my skin was making everything worse. He didn’t understand that I was just about ready to spill everything. He didn’t understand how this entire process made my whole body throb.

When my pants finally fell to my ankles, I breathed a sigh of relief. “You’ll come when I tell you to.” He said.“ And not a second before.“

I bit my lip, and suddenly I was brought back to another time, in another place, with another master. A master who’d said the same words and had been more than just disappointed when I’d let him down. At that moment, I could have sworn I felt my scars tingle from just the memory of that day. I had let him down and he had been right to punish me, but I couldn’t do what he’d asked. I didn’t even understand how other people did it. My body just didn’t work that way, and now I was going to disappoint Damion too. I nodded to him anyway.

He was going to be so upset with me when I couldn’t do it. I shifted from foot, then clasped my hands behind my back and stood as still as I could manage, because a good sub didn’t fidget. Maybe this time would be different. Maybe my body wouldn’t betray me since I liked this new master better than the others. Maybe—

“Focus Cam.”

I glanced up at Damion, who was still watching me.

“Sorry, I—”

“What’s wrong?” he interrupted, and I shook my head.

“Nothing.” Was my automatic response. When his eyes narrowed, I tacked on ‘sir’ at the end.

“Something’s obviously troubling you. Tell me what it is.”

Damion was a good master. He was always nice to me, and the only thing I ever did was show him just how useless I was. I didn’t know what a lot of his toys were for. I didn’t like the whips and I wasn’t good at keeping form like he wanted. If I could just do something to make him proud of me, then it would make sense for him to be nice to me. If he wanted me come when he said, then maybe if I just tried hard enough, then I could do it.

“No sir. Nothing’s wrong.” It would be stupid to tell him the truth. I wanted him to like me, not get tired of me. I had to show him that I was competent.

My master propped his elbow unto the arm of the couch, and ran a finger under his chin slowly, as he sat watching me. I couldn’t understand his expression. It was blank and unreadable, but his gaze was hard and piercing as he watched me, and I looked away when I couldn’t meet his eyes anymore.

I could already feel myself wilting as the discomfort that this new silence brought set in. I unclasped my hands and folded them in front of me as the silence continued. I looked at my feet and at the painting above his head. Everywhere but at him.

“Why are you lying to me?” he finally said, and his voice was quiet and cold.

I shook my head, meeting his cold stare for a second, before I looked away again. “I’m not.”

“You are.” The cold voice continued. “And the longer you stand here denying it, the more insulting it becomes.”

I bit my lip, and suddenly my chest felt tight. When the puppy started whining, I automatically glanced over at him. “Don’t look at him, look at me.” Damion said, and I tore my eyes away from Happy.

“I—I didn’t mean to lie, I was just…” I trailed off because he was staring at me with that same dead look that only made me nervous, and the tightening in my chest got worse. I shifted from foot to foot and my throat became dry.

“What did I tell you about honesty? Do you remember?”

I nodded quickly “Yes sir.”

He made a sweeping gesture with his hand “Remind me.”

You said…“ I felt sick to my stomach. Everything had been going so well and now he was looking at me like I was something nasty that was stuck to the bottom of his shoe. “You said I have to be honest with you.”

He seemed to consider it, then he nodded slowly. “What else?”

“I didn’t mean to lie. It was stupid. I won’t do it again. I promise.” I pled with him, but his expression didn’t change.

“What else Cam?”

I felt that stupid prickling at the back of my eyes, and I blinked rapidly to keep it at bay. “You said that if I’m not honest with you then it means I don’t respect you… but I do.”

I blinked a few more times, but the moisture was already there and I felt like an even bigger idiot as he sat watching me. “I was just…It’s just that I can’t do what you said. I’m not good at that. I can’t just come if you say it. That never worked for me before.” I hurried to explain, but my words came together in one long mush and at that point, I wasn’t even sure if he understood what I was saying. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. I just wanted to try and see if maybe it would work this time.” I continued.

“Cam I’m training you so you can learn these things. I’ve already told you that if you have a problem you need to tell me. I’ve shown you nothing but respect and the only thing I’ve asked you to do is show me respect in return.”

“I—”

“If it’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a liar.”

I understood what it was that I was seeing in his eyes now. It was anger. I flinched at his words.

“Get dressed.” He said, and as I bent to do what he said, the moisture that had collected began to fall, and I felt ten times the idiot for it, because I hadn’t meant to cry and I hated for him to see me do it.

I heard him stand just as I was pulling up my pants, and when I glanced up, it was to see him towering over me. When he raised his hand, I didn’t think. I let go of the pants and covered my head with my arms as I fell to my knees. It hurts less if you make yourself smaller . The words sounded in my head as I waited for the first blow to my uncovered back. He was big and strong, so it was going to hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and I didn’t realize I was no longer pleading in my head, until I heard my own voice in the silence. “Please.” I was begging him. I was scared. I didn’t want it to hurt. I was sorry. I would never lie to him again. “Please.” I didn’t want it to hurt. I would never lie to him again. Never.

“Cam.” I heard my name, but I didn’t understand what it meant. I didn’t feel any pain. Why wasn’t I feeling any pain?

“Cam.” His voice was soft, but it was firm, and the hands that were supposed to me hitting me, were wrapped around my upper arms. I didn’t feel any pain.

“Cam.” I slowly looked up when I heard him say my name again, and found him crouching beside me. He slowly unhooked my arms from around my head, and I watched him carefully. He was holding my arms, but I tried to keep my face as far away from him as possible. Hits to the face were worse than on anywhere else, and now I couldn’t shield myself.

“Please.” I begged him, and when he finally let me go, I pushed as far away from him as the coffee table behind me would allow.

He didn’t come after me, and when I took the chance and met his eyes, they didn’t look angry anymore. I didn’t know what they looked like, but they didn’t look angry. That was the most important thing.

“I’m sorry.” I told him. “I won’t ever lie again. I swear.”

He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me for a moment, then I watched him rub the side of his head with his fingers; like you would do if you had a headache. I don’t know how long passed, but after what felt like forever, he held out a hand towards me, and I looked at it, then at him.

“Come here Cam.”

I looked at the hand. Palm up and waiting for me to take it, but my heart was pounding in my chest and I didn’t know if this was a trick; like the one master Drake used to play. He wanted me to feel safe; then he would hit me because it was all a part of the game. He was punishing me, because you didn’t lie to your master and get away with it. Master Drake never liked lying either.

I watched his outstretched hand. I shouldn’t have lied. I should have been good. I reached out a hand to take his and it shook so bad, I wondered if he noticed. When I felt the drip on my knee, I realized I was crying. Master Drake didn’t like when I cried. A good sub could take anything, but my hand wouldn’t stop shaking, and I tried to wipe away the tears with my other hand but it wouldn’t stop.

When his hand finally closed around mine, he pulled me to him and I waited for it, but it never came. He didn’t hit me and he didn’t shout or anything. He was just holding me. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest against the side of my head, and I could hear his heartbeat as he held me to him. It was steady.

He didn’t hit me.

“I’m so sorry.” I apologized again. “I won’t lie ever again. I swear. I swear.”

“Jesus Cam.” He breathed.

It took a while, but my own heartbeat finally steadied, and I felt like maybe he hadn’t been too mad at me after all. I figured I was lucky this time. I wouldn’t make him angry again. This time I was lucky.

“I don’t think I can fix you.” He whispered after a long time, and his arms tightened around me.

…………………………………

Damion

They had broken him.

There was no part of him that they had left intact, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix that. What Cam needed was help; real help, from a person who was certified to do just that, and come Monday morning, bright and early, he would begin his first session with his brand new therapist. He didn’t know it yet, but I’d already called and set up an appointment, and he was going— come hell or high water.

I stirred the ice in my glass absently, as my mind went back to the events from earlier. I saw Cam cowering on the floor, arms thrown over his head for protection… from me . As if I could lay a hand against him in anger. As if I could have hurt an innocent like him. I closed my eyes and saw him on the floor, trembling and afraid, and when he’d tried to get away from me, that look on his face… pure terror.

I took a sip of the bitter liquid, and opened my eyes again when I heard his laughter. He was in the pool with the dog, teaching it to swim, or watching it drown; I wasn’t sure which, but he was grinning from ear to ear; as cheerful and excited as a human could be. It was as if he hadn’t been crying and terrified on my living room floor not even two hours before.

It was as if the events of earlier hadn’t happened. Just like that, everything was right with the world again for him. He just wanted to know that I wasn’t upset with him, and then everything was right as rain.

I took another sip of the liquor, and felt the hot slide of it down my throat. They had taken him and had damaged him to the point where the only thing that was left was a battered, raw shell of the man he could have been.

Thirty minutes I’d been sitting here by the pool side just watching him swim and play with that damn dog, and every single time he looked over at me, it was with that same grin and that same god awful look in his eyes; like I was his goddamn savior.

Less than two hours before, he had wholeheartedly believed I was going to beat the living shit out of him, and still, he looked at me like I’d hung the sun.

I turned the glass to my head and swallowed its contents. Abuse was normal to him. It had become a part of his life and he expected it. He expected it from me , and today I had come to understand that I couldn’t teach him otherwise—not without help.

The puppy kicked its little legs and made it all the way over to him, and Cam turned to me to make sure I had seen it. He grinned, but I didn’t have it in me to return it. Not that it mattered to Cam; no, Master Damion wasn’t mad at him, so all was right with the world.

I shook my head.

I could still feel his small frame trembling in my arms. I could still hear his quiet sobbing and feel his tears soaking through my shirt. Yet, there he was, splashing away in the pool; happy and grateful.

I poured myself another glass.

Monday morning, bright and early; come hell or high water.

……………………………………..

Later that night, a large pizza and a glass of coke in his belly, Cam lay in the couch, pretending he wasn’t tired, as he strained to keep his eyes open. He’d been the one to pick the movie, and had claimed it was one of his favorites, but he’d had a long day and it was late.

He was stretched out on the couch with his head in my lap, and his arms wrapped around one of the pillows. I brushed the hair from his face and his eyes fluttered open. He mumbled something, and even managed to keep his eyes on the screen for a solid three seconds before they drifted shut again. I turned the lever on the side of the couch and the seat reclined. Cam curled into a ball and burrowed his head deeper into my lap, mumbled something, and once again went silent.

I glanced over his small frame. He was such a puny little thing. I pulled the throw blanket off the arm of the chair and covered him with it, then settled in. We’d sleep on the couch tonight. I reached for the remote and turned down the volume.

The movie was ridiculous at best; one of those foolish super hero movies. The acting was terrible, the graphics much worse, and the storyline a mess. Yet, it was one of his favorites. I ran a hand over his cheek; soft, smooth and warm. He was so young and innocent. How could anyone really look at someone like Cam and even think to hurt him?

I ran a finger along the tips of his lashes. He had so much to learn, and he was so eager for instruction; so desperate for attention. He would literally jump off of a bridge if you told him to. Why hurt someone who only wanted your approval?

I traced my index finger over the tip of his nose and he unconsciously reached a hand up to brush it away.

I didn’t get emotionally involved with my submissives. They were for pleasure; each one a new challenge, and if I could tame them; if I could bend them completely to my will, then I had succeeded and I could move on to the next one. You add emotions to the mix and that would only bring trouble. You let your guard down even a little bit, and you could lose yourself. If you lost yourself, then you would get hurt. So no emotions. You played your games and you enjoyed your challenges, and if you ended up going to bed alone nine times out of ten, then you were winning. It was the way I liked it, and nothing would change that; not Cam; not anybody.

I ran a thumb over his lips and smiled when he licked them.

I couldn’t train him now. Pulling him any deeper into the lifestyle when he was as broken as he was, would only damage him further. What Cam needed was to find himself. Right now he was being held together by tape, when what he needed was to be healed.

I would take him to see the therapist on Monday, and from there, we would start the process. Outside of that, I would give him small glimpses into the lifestyle; I’d let him see what it meant to be a part of a healthy relationship, and I’d do that by introducing him to people like Paul and Tate. I’d take him to The Warm Room so he could have a talk to the more experienced subs; the ones who understood that they were the ones who were really in charge; the ones who knew their worth.

No sex toys; especially not the ones that could cause pain; not right now; not until he was whole.

Cam mumbled something indecipherable and his brows furrowed. I smoothed them out with my fingers and he sighed; all the worry leaving his face.

…………………………………….

“Do you think it’s okay if we go? The doctor said he should get lots of rest.” Cam asked Donny for about the third time since we’d begun our journey. We were on our way to the annual family barbeque, which really mostly consisted of friends who were like family and their family.

“Is he always such a worrywart?” Donny glanced at me, and Cam frowned at him from the backseat.

“Monte says worrying is healthy. It means you’re human.”

Donny snorted. “If I ever meet this Monte person, I’ll run him over with my truck for you.”

“Monte’s a woman.”

“A family barbeque is exactly what Damion needs.” Donny continued. “It’ll make him less of a thorny, wilting rose and more like…an ugly little daisy.”

In the back, Cam giggled, “A big handsome daisy.”

I would have rolled my eyes if I were prone to such a thing.

“Whatever floats your boat kid.” Donny replied, before making a sharp right at the intersection. I placed a hand over my bandaged torso, and prayed for us to reach our destination before my brother killed us.

Cam appeared over my shoulder. “Do you want to take a pill?” he questioned, his voice filled with concern.

“Seatbelt.” I said, and with another quick glance at my torso, he sat back and pulled his seatbelt over himself and clicked it into place.

Donny glanced at me, then back at the road ahead. “The kid’s right, you look like you’re just about ready to lose your lunch.” Then almost as an afterthought; “Don’t throw up in here. I just got it cleaned yesterday.”

I closed my eyes and decided to focus instead on the steady throbbing under my bandages. I’d almost forgotten how irritating it could be to sit in the same space with my brother for an extended period.

When Happy started barking, I seriously considered flinging him out the window, but the thought passed as soon as it had come, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the front seat of Donny’s truck. A quick glance out the window, told me we were finally pulling into his driveway; which was already lined with cars.

When we exited the vehicle, Cam followed suit, with Happy in his arms. I assumed he was using the puppy as a shield from the rest of the world, but Happy turned traitor and wriggled out of his arms the second we entered the house, and disappeared from sight seconds later.

“Oh Donny you’re here. Go fire up the grill, it’s getting late!” Anna called on her way over to greet us, and a moment later, Donny too disappeared.

“Damion you came! I was worried you wouldn’t be feeling well enough” she hugged me, and when she pulled away she smacked me on the arm with her over mitts. “Don’t you dare scare me like that again. I couldn’t believe it when Donny told me what happened to you.” She began “You don’t get an injury like this and keep it from your family Damion. I was so worried.”

“I promise I’m fine. It’s not that serious.”

“I think you need to come stay with us for a while and let us take care of you. It’s not right for you to stay in that big empty house all by yourself in your condition. Anything could happen and we wouldn’t have a clue.”

“Damion says I can stay and take care of him this week.” Cam spoke up for the first time, and Anna blinked in surprise when she noticed he was standing there.

“Oh sweetheart, where are my manners. I’m Anna, Donny’s wife.” She began. “You must be Cam, I’ve heard so much about you.” She pulled him into a motherly hug, which Cam returned hesitantly. When she pulled away, she beamed at him. “Well if you’re taking care of our Damion, then I’m sure he’ll be in good hands. Are you hungry?”

“Ah…not right now. Thank you.”

“Alright, well food will be ready in a couple of hours anyway, so you two go on out back and have fun. And don’t even think of lifting a finger to help Damion. You need to relax.” She swatted my arm again, and a moment later she was gliding from the room and into the kitchen.

I led Cam down the hall and out the back door. The back yard was filled with guests; most of whom I recognized. Cam moved closer toward me as we stepped off the porch, and I imagined he was probably overwhelmed by all the faces he’d never seen before, so I took his hand and he held on to it like it was a lifeline.

I introduced him to my friends; old and new, and while he offered a polite hello, he chose not to join in on any conversations. Instead, he stuck to my side like glue; his hand clinging to mine as we waded through the crowd. He took the time to observe, and every time we got a moment alone, he made his comments; whether it be about the people; whom he confessed he liked, or the scenery or the food; which had finally begun to circulate about an hour or so after we had arrived.

Donny, who spent most of his time around his brand new outdoor grill, took pride in not only bragging to our friends about what it could do, but had decided to give mini grilling tutorials to all those who showed even a remote interest.; which amused Cam to no end.

Two hours into the barbeque, I introduced him to another late arrival; James Cordon; a fellow Dom and one of my good friends.

“He’s beautiful Damion.” James complimented, and Cam’s face turned the brightest shade of red at his words. His hand tightened on mine.

“I’d heard you’d started training again, but I didn’t quite believe it.”

“Oh there you are Cam!” Anna called out as she made her way over to us. She looped her arm through Cam’s. “Come on, let’s have a little talk now that I have some free time.”

Cam looked up at me; eyes pleading, as though he wished me to rescue him, but I offered him no help and she carted him away.

He needed to learn to socialize anyway. This would be a good experience for him.

“Cam’s a special case.” I told James, who nodded thoughtfully.

“I’ve never known you to go after the quiet ones.” He said. “I thought you liked to break the rebels in.”

I chuckled. “Those days are over I think. After Cam, I’m done training…if you can call what I’m doing with him training anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

I glanced in the direction Anna had taken Cam. “Cam’s had a rough go of it. I don’t think he’s even ready for the lifestyle.”

James nodded. “Ah. What was it? A bad experience?”

“Experiences. Plural. I don’t even know that I can help him to be honest.”

“Well if anyone can help him, you can, but just in case, feel free to send him my way. I did say he was beautiful.”

I chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

By nightfall the crowd had dissipated some, and what was left of the visitors sat around the bonfire. The kids were roasting marshmallows, while the rest of us talked. Cam sat at my feet with Happy in his lap, and across from us sat Donny and Anna— wrapped in each other’s arms on the lawn chair. It had been a good day.

The turnout had been far better than the previous year, Donny hadn’t burned the steaks, and I’d been able to catch up with good friends that I hadn’t realized I had missed until I actually saw them. Donny and I had even managed to get a couple business potentials in along the way, and Cam had smile more today than I’d seen him smile in all the time I’d known him.

A good day.

“It’s definitely an interesting idea.” Mason, one of our business partners was saying. “Chicago could be what we’ve been looking for. Interestingly enough, I know the perfect spot to open a place like ours. There’s a building that’s for sale. It’ll cost us a pretty penny, but if all goes well, it would probably be worth it.”

“Yeah well, let’s not be hasty.” Donny interrupted. “We still need to see the numbers so we can make sure it’s a good investment, but to be honest, I don’t see Chicago as the answer.”

“A visit to the place wouldn’t hurt. We could arrange a tour with the owners. The location is a steal; right in the business district. They probably have a number of offers on the table already.” Mason continued and I nodded.

“A quick trip wouldn’t hurt.”

“Good. Let’s just get Paul up to speed and we can head out there as early as next week.”

“Well if it’s such a steal as you say, then earlier sounds better than later. How about Wednesday?”

I considered this and nodded. “I could manage it.”

Cam looked up at me, and across the fire, Donny shrugged. “I don’t have a problem with that.”

“Wow…another branch. I can’t believe just how far you guys are coming from.” Anna said with a smile. “To think, three years ago the first one was just thoughts on paper, now look at us.”

I nodded. We’d definitely come a far way. I’d have to book a ticket tomorrow. I glanced down at Cam again. He was plucking at the grass beside him. Maybe I’d even take him along with me.

                                                                           AUTHOR’S NOTES

EXAMS ARE OFFICIALLY OVER WHICH MEANS I’M BACK!

Enjoy! and thanks for reading.

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited

Chapter 12: Monday morning.

Chapter 12

                                                Monday morning (bright and early)

He didn’t say it, but it was as plain as day that he didn’t want to go. Ever since I’d broken the news of his impending visit to see his new therapist, he could hardly look at me. He’d even been silent on the very long drive over to the doctor’s office (even more so than usual; and that was saying something.)

I glanced at him now. He’d chosen to sit two spaces away from me in the waiting area, and now he was busy scribbling in his journal. I could only imagine the upset thoughts and emotions he was letting out on its pages and I couldn’t help but be amused.

I allowed him a few more minutes alone because we were early, and when he finally shut the book and put away his pen, I moved to sit beside him. “You alright?”

He nodded, but didn’t look at me.

“This will be a good thing, trust me.”

Another nod.

I tried another tactic. “Why do you think you’re here?”

“Because you think something’s wrong with me.” He mumbled.

“No.” I told him and finally he spared me a glance. “I just think you’ve been through a lot and talking to someone will help you.”

“I talk to Monte all the time.”

“An independent person with no prior input into your personal life I mean. A therapist is like your own personal secret keeper.” I told him “You can tell her absolutely anything on your mind and no one will ever know.”

He bit his lip. “What about you?”

“I won’t know a thing that goes on in that room and I’ll never ask. It’s your chance to let everything off your chest. She’ll help you with whatever you’re going through.”

He seemed to consider my words. “I’m sure there are things you might not feel comfortable telling even Monte.” His eyes flashed to mine and I knew I had hit the mark. “You’ll be able to tell your therapist and she won’t be able to tell a soul…not unless you want her to.”

“Okay.”

“Look at me.” He met my eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Everyone needs someone to talk to.”

Cam nodded. “Do you have a therapist too?”

“Cameron Reid.”

We both looked up at the sound of his name and saw the receptionist beckoning to him. He frowned and looked at me—his face the epitome of misery.

“I’ll be right here when you get back. Stop worrying. It’ll be fine.” It was only then that he got up and followed the woman out of the room. I’d called ahead the day before to inform the doctor of my own observations regarding Cam and it was my hope that it would help the process go smoother.

This was the one thing I wouldn’t budge on. He would go whether or not he liked it because the fact of the matter was, he needed help.

I settled into the uncomfortable waiting room chair and pulled out my phone. I needed an early morning flight to Chicago on Wednesday. I thought it would be good for Cam to relax a bit and this trip would be the perfect opportunity for him to meet Tate.

Once the flight plans were finalized, I retrieved my laptop from the seat beside me and settled in to get some work done. In the hour long therapy session, I managed to make a few calls, send a couple emails, draft a partial business proposal and edit the team’s marketing strategy. When Cam finally exited the doctor’s office, he was as miserable as he had been going in.

“Ready?” I asked and he nodded

He was as miserable as a church mouse—or however the saying went. He was frowning down at me as I gathered my laptop and car keys. I could practically feel him glaring at my back as he trailed as far behind me as he could in the parking lot, and the frowning continued even as I started the car and moved off.

I found it endearing.

“It’s for the best Cam. Trust me.”

“She wanted to read my journal.” Was his quick accusing reply and I fought back a smile.

“Did you let her?”

“No. It’s just for us. I don’t want her to read it.”

“And that’s fine. It’s your choice.”

He nodded in agreement, and I fought harder against the grin. The boy was delectable even in his misery.

And that pout….I focused my attention on the road.

“I was thinking we could drop by the pet store and you can pick out some things for the dog.” I said in an attempt to cheer him up, but the most I got out of him was a soft ‘Yeah okay.’

“We also need to get you some warm clothes.”

He looked at me in confusion. “Why?”

“Because Chicago is cold this time of year.”

It took him a moment to process it, but when he finally realized what I was saying his eyes widened. “You mean….I get to come with you?”

“Of course, how else are you going to take care of me?”

If nothing else, that worked. His face brightened and so did his mood. And I was glad I’d made the decision to take him. “I’ve never been to Chicago before.” He told me and I nodded.

“I’m not sure you’ll like it this time of year, but it’s a great city. Donny will tell you otherwise though.”

“Is Happy coming too?” he asked hopefully.

“No he’ll stay with Ana…you remember her; Donny’s wife.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “She was nice to me.” He said, though his countenance had fallen a small degree.

“She’ll take good care of him and we’ll be back before he misses you.”

“How long will we be gone?”

“Until Saturday evening.”

He was quiet for a moment as he processed my words, then; “Will there be snow?”

I laughed when I saw the childish excitement in his expression. “Yes.”

“Monte’s spending Christmas at Leo’s parents’ house and I didn’t want to go anyway and I like the snow.”

It would be all good and exciting when he was gazing at it through the windows of our warm hotel room, but I was sure that after a few minutes outside in the biting Chicago weather, he’d wish he was back here where it was warm and sunny practically all year round.

I pulled into the parking lot of a store I frequented and he surprised me by slipping his hand through mine as we crossed the lot. He was a strange little creature. One minute he was too timid to talk and the next he was bold enough to hold my hand without hesitation. He intrigued me. I felt the sting of eagerness as I thought of the journey in getting to really know him. To know what made him laugh and what angered him. What frustrated him and how he expressed all those different emotions. I’d already learned today that when upset he resorted to the silent treatment. I smiled at the memory.

He was quiet again when we entered the store; his body practically glued as close to my side as he could get it. For whatever reason the place made him uncomfortable. Though when I looked around I couldn’t understand why. It was clean and organized with friendly, attentive staff.

It wasn’t until much later after I’d left him in the capable hands of a very fashion conscious young woman that I realized why. I was sitting in a corner reading a newspaper a thoughtful clerk had handed to me, when Cam came over to explain to me in hushed tones that none of the clothes had price tags.

“Don’t worry about that, just get what you like.” I turned my attention back to the page, but he didn’t leave and I looked up again.

“I have a sweater at home.” He told me in earnest and finally I set the paper aside.

“That’s not going to help you there.” I gestured to the lady who waited patiently for him across the room. “I told her what you’ll need. You’re in good hands.”

He glanced back at her, then back at me. The uncertainty in his gaze evident. “I don’t want to waste your money.”

And that was where his discomfort lay.

“Cam it will be cold there and you don’t have clothing that’s appropriate for that type of weather. It’s not a waste of money, it’s practical.”

“But—”

“Stop worrying.”

I followed him this time and he seemed far more comfortable accepting the pieces the clerk picked out for him while I was there. Though he glanced at me to make sure it was okay every time she handed him another piece.

He was a strange one. Where Cam shied away from the attention, other subs would have been glad for it. I moved away to take an important phone call while he tried on a pair of boots and when the call ended, I snagged a navy blue scarf off the shelf and wrapped it around his neck when I came to stand before him.

He ran his hand over the material and smiled up at me shyly.

“Did you get a pair of gloves?”

“I don’t think I need any more stuff. It’s just three days.” He explained, but he was small and fragile with not an ounce of muscle to fight the cold, so I instructed the waiting lady to get him a pair and he looked up at me with that endearing pout I liked. Endearing especially because he didn’t realize he was doing it.

“Is that everything?” I gestured to the clothes that filled the two chairs behind him and he nodded.

He waited as far away from me as he could get while I paid for the items, but was quick to take the bags from me just as we exited the store, because in his mind, anything heavier than a feather was too much weight for me to carry in my ‘condition.’

Funny how he and Donny were alike in the mother hen department. He allowed me to open his door so he could get in without fanfare at least, and once we were both seated, he muttered a quick and quiet thank you for the purchases. His face was tinged scarlet while he did.

He had a sense of pride which was good considering all the other things that had literally been beaten out of him, but Cam more than anyone needed to be taken care of and I wasn’t about to allow his pride to get in the way of that.

Our next stop was the pet store and it was his playground. He was confident and assertive while there. He made sure to explain to me the difference between plastic and metal dog bowls and how important having that knowledge was for a dog owner like myself. He knew exactly which dog food to get and which dog shampoo was the best. He picked out nail clippers and other much needed grooming tools and to my surprise, had thrown in a large packet of wet wipes, though I had no idea why that was necessary. He led me up and down the aisles like a man on a mission, and had given me the all-important duty of pushing the cart while he made his checks.

Happy soon because the owner of a very large and very ‘comfy’—according to Cam—dog bed and I praised the universe for it because it meant I could finally get him off mine. He was sure to let his disappointment be known that Happy hadn’t been allowed the chance to partake in the shopping, because according to Cam, a puppy should be allowed to pick out his own toys.

We got him a few anyway. Many of them made noises—much to my displeasure, but Cam knew best and I allowed him his moment to shine.

What I enjoyed seeing most was how he handled the employees. Gone was the inherent shyness and fumbling of words and in its place was the knowledgeable, no-nonsense pet lover. He knew his stuff and he questioned the employees who showed up to assist, on every possible detail of the items he was interested in. Most of the time, he turned out to be far more knowledgeable than they were and he could occasionally be seen shaking his head in disappointment when that turned out to be the case.

He was like a whole new person where Happy’s welfare was concerned and when I picked up a random brand of doggie treats, he had no qualms about scolding me on my terrible choice, before informing me of the momentous mistake I had been about to make.

“You’re a dog owner now. You have to know these things for Happy’s sake.” He told me in that no nonsense way, and I nodded with an expression of equal solemnity so that he knew I was taking it all seriously.

“You can’t treat him like he’s just some pet. You gotta treat him like he’s your child, because Happy deserves that. He loves you already even if you don’t love him yet and he expects a lot from you. That’s how dogs are, and he’s really young so you need to take extra care.” His lesson continued and I nodded at every pause and where appropriate.

By the time we made it to the cashier, the cart was stuffed full and I noticed how he had absolutely no qualms about me spending money where the dog was concerned. “These things are important.” He said and that was that.

It was one of the most enjoyable days I’d had in a long time and this new sassy Cam was the cause. It gave me a glimpse into the person he would have been had so much damage not be wrought, and I swore I’d make sure I got him to the point where he could truly be himself again. He deserved it.

He seemed happier on our journey to the restaurant. He didn’t talk as much as he had at the pet store, but he’d spoken more today than he had on any one day since I’d met him, so I was at least proud of his progress. Slowly but surely I’d pull him out of his shell.

When we were seated at our table in a quaint little restaurant not too far away from the pet store, his blushing returned. I decided it was because he was no longer preoccupied with anything of importance and in our current situation he only had me to look at across the table from him.

“Tell me something about yourself Cam.”

He glanced up from the table with a frown. “You sound like her.” He accused.

“Like who?”

“The doctor.” He continued with narrowed eyes and I laughed.

“Well I apologize if I did. It wasn’t my intention.” I ended with a chuckle. “I just want to get to know a little bit more about you. There’s a lot I don’t know.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Tell me something I don’t know.”

He thought about it for a few minutes “I have a brother.” He said reverently. “His name is Pete. He’s older than me though and he has a family and everything. He’s a pastor.” He continued and the pride in his voice was unmistakable.

I smiled. “Are you two close?”

And so his face fell…but only slightly. “I haven’t seen him in a long time.”

“How come?”

“He doesn’t like gay people.”

I cursed under my breath. They just kept coming didn’t they? Negative influences beating him down at every turn.

“It’s okay though because he didn’t private his Facebook so I can go on there and see him anytime I want.” He grinned. “He just had another baby and she’s so cute. She has his eyes. He named her Carol after our mother.” His face was practically glowing. “They’re all at my parent’s house now. It’s a tradition for everybody to go there this time of year. They’re gonna stay there ’till the new year.” the more he continued the more I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Pete’s kids are gonna love it. My mom makes the best food in the world and I’m not lying. She gives the best presents too.”

I ventured to ask; “Why aren’t you there with them?”

He smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “They don’t like gay people.”

I gritted my teeth. “Dad tried to get it out of me but it didn’t work. I’m just the way I am you know. I can’t change.”

“How exactly did he try to get it out of you?” I questioned, though I had a sneaking suspicion I already knew the answer. My hands clenched into fists of their own accord.

“I had to talk to a lot of doctors and shrinks and pastors…and sometimes he hit me, but it’s okay he was only trying to help me.” He was quick to explain. “He loved me so he had to do what he could to help me.”

“You didn’t need help. There’s nothing wrong with you.” I told him louder than intended and he flinched. I took a breath. “What happened when it didn’t work? Did he throw you out?”

He frowned. “My parents would never do that to me. They loved me.” Brief pause. “They turned me over to the state so I had to live at a kind of boys’ home. That’s how I met Monte.”

His smile was a bright as ever when he said it, and I shook my head, then frowned. “You met Monte at a boys’ home?”

He nodded. “Yeah…back then she hadn’t done her surgery yet and she was miserable because nobody would believe she was a girl, but I did.” He smiled proudly.

Ah, she was transgender.

When the food finally came I had all but lost my appetite, but he dug in without hesitation.

“We ran away soon after that and life was rough for a while, but we’re better now.” He said between bites of chicken sandwich. I looked down at my untouched steak, then back at him. “How old were you when all this happened?”

He chewed quickly and swallowed. “I moved to the home when I was thirteen and we ran away just before my fourteenth birthday.” He said casually.

“So you lived on the streets.” It wasn’t a question.

“Just for a little while. Monte’s smart, so she got a bunch of jobs for a while and sometimes I helped, but mostly I had to stay out of sight because I looked really young and people would try to call CPS and stuff.”

I didn’t even know what to say to that. I sat back in my chair and watched while he ate with not a care in the world. When he looked up to find me staring he frowned.

“Don’t be sad Damion.” He surprised me by reaching across to place his hand on mine. “I swear it wasn’t bad. I made a lot of friends back then. There was this one guy named Jason. We used to go everywhere together. He was nice and he looked out for us too. Sometimes he brought us extra food or money and he protected me from some of the guys who lived in the area too, but then Monte got a great opportunity to work in a real job and we had to leave.” He stared at his plate with furrowed brows, but soon that too didn’t matter and he resumed his meal.

The world was fucked up and Cam had been dipped right in the middle of it.

………………………………………………..

“I’d like to meet Monte if that’s okay with you.” I announced later that night as we were getting ready for bed.

“You do?” he asked in obvious delight. I nodded.

“I’ll tell her.” He way already halfway to his cell phone when I stopped him. “You can do it tomorrow. Come over here.” I patted the space on the bed beside me. He came without a word.

When he was settled, I reached for his journal—which he’d placed on the edge of my side table—and handed it to him. “Read to me.”

He flipped it open and I allowed him to skip over a few new entries. The one I was most interested in was the one from yesterday after the incident. The first thing I noticed when he flipped to that particular entry however, was that the page that came before it had been torn out and the entry itself was only three short sentences.

December 19, 2015

Dear Journal,

Damion was really upset with me today. It’s my fault for lying. I’m going to do better.

-Cam

That was it, nothing more. Nothing to tell me how he had really felt during the incident and nothing to express his emotional state afterwards. Absolutely nothing to give me any incite on the incident.

“Why did you tear out a page?” I asked him. He looked down at the bits of paper that were left and fidgeted with them for a moment before he looked guiltily up at me.

“I didn’t like that entry.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t.”

“Remember what we agreed on when I gave it to you?”

He nodded.

“Then do you want to tell me what was on that page?”

His eyes met mine, and after a long pause he flipped to the back of the book and pulled out a folded page from the small compartment. He handed it to me and I opened it; choosing to read it silently while Cam fidgeted beside me.

December

19, 2015 .

Dear Journal ,

I did something really stupid today. I lied to Damion. I feel like such an idiot. No matter how hard I try I keep messing things up. I have no excuse. Damion says that if you lie to someone it means you have no respect for them, but I have respect for him. He was so angry when I lied. I’ve never seen him angry before and I don’t want to see him like that again. I have to be better.

He didn’t hit me even though he was mad. I thought he would, but he didn’t. I don’t understand why. I don’t understand a lot of things he does. Maybe he’s waiting till his injuries heal; I guess that makes sense.

I’m just scared because Damion is really big and strong and I know it’s going to hurt real bad, but sometimes a guy’s gotta be brave even when he’s scared. Jason used to say that all the time.

I wish he was here, he would make me feel better. I hope I won’t cry. Master Drake used to hate when I cried. He says crying means you’re weak. I’m not a kid anymore. I shouldn’t cry.

I have to be better or Damion won’t keep me. No more lying and no more mistakes. I have to be good. Master Drake always liked when I was good.

The ink was smudged badly in a few places as if something wet had been sprinkled on the page and I realized that he must have been crying while he made his entry.

I accidentally hit my shoulder on the edge of the coffee table when I was trying to get away from him today. It hurts a lot when I touch it, so I’m trying to be careful.

The highlight of my day was when Damion liked the blowjob I gave him and later on I’m going to teach Happy how to swim; that’s what I named the puppy; Happy. I think he likes it. Damion says we’re going to a kinda family barbeque tomorrow. I’m nervous but he says we can bring Happy.

I got to meet his twin brother and they look the same! Donny’s a little bit messier and happier than Damion and he’s really funny. He bought one of my paintings which is cool, but I think maybe he offered me too much money for it. They look the same but they’re so different and Donny says Damion is damaged, but I don’t think so. I think he’s just fine; just a little sad looking sometimes.

I’m taking care of him this week. I took time off from work and everything. He got hurt on the job so he needs rest, but he doesn’t like taking his pills, even when he’s in pain. He’s so brave and strong.

I have to be better so he’ll keep me. Master Drake says Damion says Master Drake isn’t a good point of reference so I should forget about all the things he said. I’m going to try to get Damion to take another pill now because he hasn’t taken any since this morning. He must be in a lot of pain and Master Drake says a good sub knows how to take care of his Master.

-Cam.

I folded the paper and placed it in its compartment. When I looked at Cam he shrunk away from me. “Let me see your shoulder.”

He hesitated, but he slowly and carefully pulled the buttons on his shirt and let it slide off his shoulders. He turned his back to me and I saw the big angry bruise that had spread along his back, just above his right armpit.

It was obviously very painful and serious enough that it was sure to be weeks before it completely disappeared. I gently prodded the skin around the swelling and he hissed. I must have been really preoccupied to have missed it while he was swimming yesterday.

As I made my way downstairs to get some ice, I realized that words alone couldn’t help him. Cam had experienced enough in life that only actions would make him understand his worth. Only actions would make him see that there was something very special about him and he shouldn’t allow anyone to take advantage of that.

                                                               AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING. 

Yes, that’s Jason from my book ‘A Home for Timmy’.

Yes, I do read every single comment and I thank you.

KEEP SWEET!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 13: Actions over words.

Chapter 13

I ran my fingers through his damp hair. The bag of frozen peas that I had used on his bruise had been long since replaced on its shelf in the freezer, and now he lay shirtless on his stomach with the blanket bunched at his waist and his cheek pressed against my thigh.

He was watching his beloved food channel. On the screen, the overweight chef was teaching the world how to make a dish that I was unfamiliar with and certainly didn’t care to learn. He had Cam’s undivided attention. It was ironic that my boy could hardly boil water what with all the schooling he was getting. No—not my boy…not my anything.

I shook my head. Definitely not my anything. Just a boy in need of the right master. I could already think of a few Doms who would gladly take him off my hands.

There was the ever friendly Erik Vedere, the gentle John Junior, the charismatic Ramond Lackley, the enigmatic Robert Kit and of course James, who had already asked for him. Any one of them could provide Cam with the life he wanted…the life he needed. These were all men I trusted; men who knew the value of a pure sub and who would shower him with attention and affection.

I glanced at the phone sitting on my side table. I could call anyone of them up right now. Since training was for the moment out of the question, there really was no reason for me to keep him. Any one of those Dom’s could provide him with the help he needed. Any one of them could see to it that his needs were met.

I glanced at the bruise on his shoulder. The swelling had gone down considerably, but I had no doubt that it was just as painful as ever. I trailed a finger along his arm and he turned to look at me. His large, doe-like eyes met and held mine, and I felt a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Erik was friendly enough, but Cam needed more than just a friendly face. 

John’s gentleness would be a welcome change for Cam, but what was gentleness without more? Ramond might have been charismatic, but his constant flirtation with everything that moved would only prove to hurt Cam. Robert could be mysterious and intriguing, but what Cam needed was openness and honesty, and then there was James. I could find no fault with James. He would be a perfect fit for Cam.

I offered him a smile then, and he returned it timidly before returning his attention to the show. James would be a perfect fit…but the thought of passing him off still didn’t sit right with me. I just needed to care for him a little while longer, and once satisfied he was in a good emotional state, I would give him to James and they would both have my blessing.

I nodded to myself. Yes it was a good plan.

…………………………………..

Mother hen.

It was the best description I could come up with for the woman seated across from me. She’d babied Cam from the moment he’d stepped foot through the front door and continued to do so even as we all sat in their very tiny family room.

“Are you sure you don’t want to eat something before you go? I could whip up something in no time.” she asked yet again.

“Yeah I’m good. Damion made me breakfast this morning…pancakes” he made sure to clarify with a smile.

Monte looked at me and pursed her lips, before looking away again.

She was a stunning creature, Monte. She was tall with flawless skin and legs that seemed to go on forever. Her nails were perfectly manicured and painted, and she sat with a grace that could only match that of royalty. It was her eyes that intrigued me though. They held an intelligence that was hard to miss. They also held suspicion and distrust and that was understandable. In fact, where Cam was concerned, it was welcome because it meant that she had the sense to look out for him.

I glanced at the boy in question. He as sitting on the couch beside his housemate; his legs curled under him as he looked back and forth between us with a grin. His excitement at our meeting was obvious.

“So.” She began, his gaze settling on me. “Where in Chicago will you be staying?”

“In a hotel Monte. Can you believe it?” Cam answered, “I’ve never been to a hotel before and Damion said there’ll be snow!” he was like a kid on Christmas day.

“That’s nice Cam.” She said, eyes still fixed on mine.

“I can’t believe I’m going to get to fly in a plane. You know I’ve always wanted to, and Damion said I’ll get to sit at the window, which means I’ll see everything. I hope I won’t get sick because you know I’m afraid of heights, but I’m gonna take so many pictures.

“ Do you think I could borrow your camera? I swear I won’t break it.“ he continued at a million miles per minute.

It was interesting to see him in this light. This new talkative Cam. It meant that he was comfortable with Monte, and when he eventually became comfortable enough with me this side of him would be something to look forward to.

She finally looked at him. “Oh I’m sorry Cam, Leo has it. Remember I told you he was going out of town? He won’t be back with it until Friday.”

Cam shrugged. Nothing could dampen his excitement. “I can still take pictures with my phone. It’ll be decent quality.” Then he frowned. “It’s gonna be weird not spending Christmas with you.”

“That’s okay.” She lifted a hand to brush a lock of hair from his face; tucking it securely behind his ears. “We can always have our own little celebration when you get back.”

He smiled at her. His eyes were as trusting as ever and his face was so open, you could practically read his mind. They were an interesting dynamic. Like mother and son.

While Cam spoke, I took the opportunity to survey the room. There were pictures on every available shelf and the walls showcased their history together. Every picture in the small room captured just the two of them. If either of them had allowed anyone else into their lives in all the years since they had met each other, it certainly hadn’t been documented. I could just imagine their devastation if anything happened to either of them. I wondered just how healthy their codependency could really be. When I glanced back at the two of them she as watching me.

I didn’t know why, but I felt the need to assure her. “I’ll take care of him.” I said simply, and her eyes narrowed.

“Hey Cam, can you go get my charger for me please. I think I left it in my room.” Her eyes remained locked with mine as she said this, and I could picture Cam’s confusion as he looked between us.

His reply, when it came, was hesitant. “Yeah okay.” But he stood and left to do her bidding regardless. The moment he was out of earshot, she pulled something from the crease in the couch and held it up for me to see; her charger.

I smiled; intrigued by her actions. She rolled the cord slowly and placed it on the coffee table between us. I watched silently as she straightened in her seat and turned her attention back to my face. “You can walk around all you want with your fancy suit, thousand dollar watch and that pretty face” she began “and you can go ahead and enjoy it when people go out of their way to catch your eye, but if you think for a second that what you have and who you are scares me, then you’re in for a big surprise.”

My smile grew and I raised a brow. “Don’t I?”

She flushed, but just as quickly, her expression hardened. “You don’t. I’m sick of your kind coming into our lives and thinking you have a right to—”

“My kind?” I interrupted, and her eyes narrowed.

“Cam’s been through enough, you hear me? He’s been through too much already and I won’t sit around and watch while anyone else tries to hurt him again. I don’t care if you think you’re the most powerful man on earth Mr. whatever the hell your name is . You better believe that when it comes to Cam I’m far more powerful and if you lay a finger on him, I swear to God I’ll make it my life’s mission to make your privileged life a living hel—”

“Monte I don’t see it in here!” Cam shouted from the other room and interrupted her tirade.

“Look under the bed or something. Maybe it fell when I was cleaning up earlier!” she called back.

When she looked back at me, she took a deep breath. Her hands closed into fists. “Just don’t hurt him. I—Please. He needs to be happy now. It’s his turn to be happy. He can’t deal with anymore hurt and I can’t watch him go through any more pain. I won’t. So if you’re poison just cut him loose before you spread and infect what little self-worth he has left.”

“It’s not under the bed. It’s not anywhere in there.” She straightened up as Cam reentered the room, and plastered a smile on her face.

“That’s okay sweetie. I found it.” she reached over and plucked it off the table. “Turns out it was stuck between the cushions.”

I decided that I liked her. She was exactly the kind of person he needed in his life.

I’d seen all I needed to and I was satisfied, so I stood. “We should get going now if we don’t want to miss our flight.”

Cam’s face lit up. “Okay lemme just get my shoes.” We watched him pull them on and Monte walked us to the door.

I allowed them their time to embrace. It was a while before they pulled away, and once they did she captured his face in her hands. “You make sure you call me the second you get there and if anything happens you let me know okay.”

Cam nodded. “I’ll call you, but nothing’s gonna happen.”

She cut a glanced my way—her mouth tightening— and glanced back at him. “I’m serious Cam. Anything at all.”

“Yeah I swear. I love you. See you in a few days.” He told her, and finally stepped through the door.

I held back while he made his way to the car. “He’ll be safe with me.” I promised her. “That’s one thing you won’t have to worry about.”

The last thing I saw before I turned to follow Cam, was the tears that had gathered in her eyes.

She didn’t believe me.

………………………………………………….

After a thirty minute delay we were finally in the air and Cam’s focus was, as expected, out the window. He had already taken more than a dozen pictures of the clouds and had seen all there really was to see of the sky, but he still couldn’t seem to get enough.

In the aisle across from us, my brother was already fast asleep, with his earphones plugged into his ears. I was halfway through reading my newspaper when the flight attendant placed a small bowl of nuts on each of our retractable tray tables. Cam looked down at his with a frown and when she had passed, he whispered conspiratorially to me; “but I didn’t order anything.”

I smiled. “It’s all a part of our flight package. You’ll also get breakfast if you want it.”

He dipped his hand into the bowl and took out a cashew. “Wow, so we’re getting free food?”

“Something like that.” I indulged, and handed him my own bowl, which he accepted gratefully.

Usually I slept or worked during flights, but on this occasion, I spent my time showing Cam how to recline his seat, looking at every single picture he took that he just had to show me, getting up to allow him to pass on his way to the restroom (which we both knew he didn’t really want to use).

I also spent it passing his and Donny’s phones back and forth so they could listen to each other’s music, getting up to allow him to pass on his way back from the restroom, getting up to retrieve his sketchpad from the hand luggage he’d placed in the overhead bin, getting up again to also retrieve his graphite pencil because the normal pencil I’d given to him ‘wouldn’t work’, and of course explaining to him that the minuscule hole that he’d spotted in his window was used to balance the air pressure in the cabin with the pressure outside the aircraft.

Finally, he fell asleep half an hour before we were set to land and later asked why I hadn’t woken him up earlier so he could witness the landing for himself.

I ignored him.

…………………………………………………..

Cam

Damion was holding my hand. We were walking through the airport and people were staring and it was like he didn’t even care. He was talking to Donny about business stuff. I looked down at our hands. It felt weird in front of so many people, but it felt good too. Really good.

The airport reminded me of the mall. There were restaurants and booths and stores. There was an old man sitting by himself at a table in one of the restaurants and he smiled at me as we passed. I smiled back. I liked the airport.

When we got outside it was freezing. It wasn’t snowing but there was snow on the ground and the wind was crazy. There were a lot of people loading their bags into cars or just standing around waiting for their ride. We didn’t have to wait at all though. There was a guy holding up a sign with Damion’s name on it. He loaded our bags into the trunk and even opened the door for us to get into the car. I liked the smell of the leather seats and the feel of them under my fingers.

“Seatbelt.” Damion told me when the driver started the car. He didn’t fasten his though. He never did. Neither did Donny.

It wasn’t a long ride to the hotel, but from what I saw on the ride there, Chicago was beautiful. After we checked in at the hotel, we made a quick stop at Donny’s room first so he could drop off his bags. His room was gorgeous; just like in the movies and nothing like the motel rooms Monte and I used to stay in. It was clean, the air smelled fresh and everything looked so new.

Donny dumped his stuff on the bed, washed his face, grabbed his laptop and then we were on the elevator again.

Damion’s room was bigger than my whole apartment.

“He’s high maintenance.” Donny told me when we stepped inside. “That’s what happens when you spend your life with no one to take care of but yourself.”

Damion ignored him.

I left my bags in the living room area and went to explore, while Donny and Damion immediately set up their laptops at the dining room table. This room or suite or whatever it was had a balcony, but remembering how cold it had been earlier, I chose not to open the door. The view was unbelievable though. I felt like I could sit and stare all day.

It was crazy to me that Donny had his own room when all three of us could have fit easily enough. Monte and I used to share our motel rooms without any problems and those were pretty small. I peeked into the bathroom and checked out the bedroom. Out in the dining area Damion and Donny were talking business so I made a quick call to Monte, before taking a seat in front of the TV. There was a huge gift basket of strawberries and chocolate on the coffee table. The card it came with said compliments of the hotel which could only mean it was free, but I figured it was safer just to not touch it at all.

I flipped on the TV; planning to catch up on a good show but I fell asleep before it started. When I woke up a few hours later, Donny was in the corner raiding the mini bar. “Monte says only a crazy person eats things from the mini bar in a hotel. It’s too expensive.”

He glanced at me as he pulled out a bag of nuts “I really need to meet this Monte guy. He has an opinion on everything.”

“Monte’s a woman.”

He offered me some of his snack, but I shook my head. “Where’s Damion?”

“Freshening up.” he looked me up and down. “You might want to change into warmer clothes.”

“Why? Where are we going?” I got up to dig through my suitcase.

“We’re going to grab a bite to eat with Paul and Tate.

“I didn’t know they were going to be here.”

“You know them?”

I shrugged. “I met Paul. He came to visit Damion one time.”

He nodded. “He’s one of our business partners. The others are flying in tomorrow.”

I pulled off my shirt and changed into a cream turtle neck. “I never met Tate before though.”

He grinned. “You’ll like him. He’s very…different…refreshing.”

“Oh good you’re awake.” Damion said as he came into the room. He’d changed out of his business suit and he looked extra handsome in his emerald green sweater and dress pants. He’d combed his hair back too and I didn’t think it was possible for him to look more sophisticated, but he did.

“Are you going to change too?” I asked Donny.

He grinned. “Are you trying to say I’m a mess?”

I laughed when he winked. “You don’t have to change. You look good.” And he did. To be honest, he was looking just as handsome as Damion—just a little bit more casual.

“Did you call Monte?” Damion asked as he picked up his wallet from the coffee table and stuffed it into his back pocket.

“Yeah.” I pulled on my boots and when I stood, he brushed something off my face.

“Okay lovebirds let’s go. I’m starving.” Donny reached into the mini bar again and pulled out another snack, before he went through the door. I looked around the room one last time to make sure I wasn’t leaving anything.

The restaurant was two blocks away they said, so we were walking there. I wasn’t used to this kind of weather. As much as Chicago was beautiful, I didn’t think I could stand to live here. I’d put on my gloves, but it didn’t feel like they were working. My fingers were cold and even though I had on a jacket and a turtle neck shirt, I felt cold everywhere. I shivered as we crossed the street and when we got to the other side, Damion wrapped his scarf around my neck.

“You stay here long enough and you’ll get used to it.” Donny commented. I pulled the scarf up to cover the bottom half of my face and inhaled. It smelled just like Damion—his cologne and his skin. I loved the smell of him.

I was grateful when we finally stepped inside the restaurant where it was warm. A lady led us to our table and I took off my jacket on the way. I recognized Paul the second I saw him. He looked the same as he did when I’d met him at Damion’s house, except that now he as all dressed up and looking put together.

I also recognized Tate right away and I literally did a double take when I saw him. He was sitting right next to Paul and smiling at whatever it was that he was saying. The picture I’d seen didn’t do him justice—not even a little bit. He was beautiful; like Photoshop beautiful.

I slid into the seat beside him and I couldn’t look away while everybody greeted each other. His face was flawless and pale with high cheekbones and the bone structure of a model. His eyelashes were long and blond, and he had the coolest looking grey eyes.

He’d dyed his hair a silvery color that would have probably looked ridiculous on another person, but on him it was perfect. He was obviously taller than me—everyone was—but he was small and slim. I liked the way he cut his hair. I wished I could pull off a hairstyle like that, but my hair as too curly. It would look weird. He was obviously really good at picking out beautiful clothes too, because the jacket he was wearing fit him perfectly. It was white leather with no buttons or anything which made me think that it was more for fashion than it was for the cold. It was too thin for the cold anyway.

He wore a white shirt underneath, but I thought it would be rude to look under the table at his pants. His ears were pierced all over. I liked his helix piercings the most. The black earrings were a cool contrast with his pale skin. I also like the simple black circle studs in his lobes. The coolest thing about him though were his tattoos. I didn’t expect him to have them. They started on his hand and went up along his arm, but I couldn’t tell how far up with the jacket sleeve in the way. Wow.

I liked looking at him. There was just so much to see. Like his collar. He was wearing it –the black with the gold—it was perfect. I could bet everyone thought it was just jewelry but I knew better. He was so lucky. I glanced at his hands and saw the ring I’d expected to see there. Paul had proposed like he said he would. He was going to be with his master forever.

“It’s nice to finally meet you.” Tate was saying and it took me a while to realize he was talking to me because he was British and his accent had been so unexpected. I shook his outstretched hand, but my tongue was tied and I couldn’t say anything back.

“It’s good to see you again Cam.” Paul was saying and I tore my eyes away from Tate to look at him. I nodded.

How did you compete with people like him? Everything about him was just so—“

“Cam?”

I glanced up at the sound of my name and realized that Damion was talking to me. “Are you okay?”

Everyone around our table was looking at me. I felt my face go hot. “Yeah.”

“Are you sure love? You look a bit ill.” Tate looked concerned as he reached across to touch my forehead. He was so nice. I offered him a small smile.

“I’m okay.”

“Are you ready to order?” the waitress asked, and I realized for the first time that she was standing by our table. She had everyone’s menu in her hand and they were all waiting for me. I opened mine and pointed at the first random thing I saw.

“You can take your time and look through. There’s no need to rush.” Damion told me, and I nodded even though my face was burning with embarrassment.

There were some seafood dishes, some steak dishes, something with mushroom and mashed potatoes that looked good, but I decided to go with the first thing I saw that I thought I would probably like; some sort of chicken and pasta mix with a lot of cheese and a creamy looking sauce.

The waitress took my menu when I ordered and Tate turned to look at me; his pretty grey eyes planted on my face. “I hope you don’t mind, but Damion tells me you’ve dealt with a lot of abuse in your life. He thought I could be of some help to you.”

“Tate. Now is not the time for—”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” He said, cutting Damion off. “We’re all family here right? If we can’t have a serious discussion while we wait for our meal then what’s the point? Isn’t that right Cam?”

I glanced at Damion. He didn’t look too happy with Tate and I didn’t want to upset him by saying something I wasn’t supposed to, so I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Tate smiled. “But you must know if you’re comfortable talking about what you’ve been through or not.”

When I made to look at Damion again, he put a gentle hand on my chin to stop me. “It’s up to you love. It’s your life after all.”

I bit my lip. “I—I wasn’t abused.”

He tilted his head to the side and his brows furrowed. “Damion told us about the way your last partner treated you.”

I shook my head. “That was because I messed up. It was my fault.”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. His eyes looked sad. “Sweetheart, if another person lay hands on you without permission, whether or not you did something wrong, it’s abuse.”

I glanced at Damion. He didn’t say anything, but he watched us.

“You…you have a master. You’re supposed to understand.” I frowned.

“I do, but if I don’t give my permission then he wouldn’t dare. A Dom is in control of course, but who do you think allows them to be in control?”

I looked at Damion, then back at Tate. “Damion says a sub does, but Master Drake said—”

“Was Master Drake your previous Dom?”

I nodded.

“Then whatever he has to say is irrelevant. He’s doesn’t deserve to be referenced. Trust me.” He took my hand. “It seems I have a lot to teach you.” Then he turned to Damion. “He’s a tough one Damion. Perhaps he’ll be even more of a challenge to you than I was.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

Tate turned back to me with a smile as he released my hand. “Oh didn’t you know? Damion was once my Dom. He trained me.”

I looked between them in shock. “It was a long time ago.” Damion told me and Tate nodded.

“Yes and back then I was a pain in the arse. Then I met Paul and everything changed.”

He glanced back at Paul who smiled.“ Yeah but he’s definitely still a pain in the ass.“ Everyone laughed, but my mind was still reeling from the news.

To think Damion had had Tate as a sub. He’d trained him—someone so obviously perfect and had let him go. How could I even hope to get him to keep me then?

Tate didn’t ask me anymore questions and when the food came minutes later, I’d lost my appetite. I pushed my food around in my plate, but took a few mouthfuls because it would be rude not to. Otherwise, I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t even realized that Damion had slid closer to me until he touched my arm and I looked up.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped my bounds by telling Tate your business.” He said just loud enough for me alone to hear. “I had no right to do it and I should have asked your first. I suppose I just got caught up in finding someone to help you that I didn’t think.”

“That’s okay. I don’t mind. I like him.”

He nodded. “I thought you would.”

“He’s very handsome.” I continued, because I couldn’t help myself and he smiled.

“So are you.” And even though I knew he was just saying it to make me feel better, it worked. I smiled at him and took a bite of my food. It was actually pretty good.

Talk around the table soon turned to the business and I ate and listened to all the plans they had for the expansion. I was surprised by how knowledgeable Tate was about it all. He added to the conversation as if he was also a partner and offered his suggestions. What surprised me more though, was that they listened to him. He was just a sub like me, but they seemed to care about what he was saying, and every time he interrupted, they allowed him to speak. They even agreed with a couple of his suggestions.

It wasn’t long before I realized that I really didn’t know much of anything about their business. I got that it was a restaurant but I didn’t know exactly here back home it was or what kind of food they served or anything. When I said this to Damion, it was Tate who responded.

“You should take him there Damion. I’m sure he’ll love it.”

“What kind of restaurant is it?”

“It’s a five star restaurant. We have a variety of menus including the all American, Italian, French cuisine and seafood and we’re thinking of adding a vegan menu to the Chicago branch…if we decide on Chicago anyway.” Donny said.

Damion chuckled. “It’s Donny’s pride and joy. We also run a private gentleman’s club which is in the same building but it’s a completely separate business. We’ll be expanding it as well.”

“What’s a gentleman’s club?”

“Well as the name suggests, it’s a place where gentlemen come to…socialize among other things.” Paul added and Tate laughed.

“No need to be modest Paul. Cam is a big boy and he’s as much a part of this world as any of us—except you Donny.” He said. “It’s more than just a place where gentlemen come to socialize. It’s for men who are as involved in the BDSM lifestyle as we are. It’s a place where we can go to share our interests or express them as we see fit.”

“I didn’t know there were places like that.”

“There are a number of them out there, but I like to think ours is a bit more refined.” Damion explained. “It’s not a place that’s advertised and members become so through referrals and a fee of course.”

“So someone can’t just pay to come in?” I asked.

“No.” Damion said. “You can’t buy in. Once you’re referred by a member you’re vetted and if you meet the club’s standards, your membership contract is signed and your fee paid then you’re welcome to join us.”

“Of course any member is free to bring along their partner; whether sub, Dom or switch. They’re signed in and enjoy member privileges. Which means any of us could take you there and I’m sure you’d enjoy it.” Tate grinned.

I nodded. “Okay. So Donny owns the restaurant and Damion and Paul owns the club.”

No.“ Donny replied. “We all have a share in both businesses. I just happen to invest more of my time and effort into the restaurant with the help of Mason, our other partner, while Paul and Damion invest more of their time and effort into running the club.

“And then there’s James who is a partner on paper, but he doesn’t take part in the decision-making. He merely provided the financial backing to help with the establishment of the current business.” Tate finished and I nodded.

I thought of how crazy it must be for Damion to run a business and be a firefighter at the same time, then there was Donny the history Professor. I was always tired after just one shift a day and they were out in the world doing so much and they seemed happy with it.

I glanced at Tate. “Do you work there too?”

He laughed. “Oh no I don’t have the head for business. I’m an interior designer. I helped with the club and the restaurant when it was built.” Then “What about you?”

I felt my cheeks grow warm. “I’m a waiter.”

“Oh truly? My youngest sister is a waitress. She has the absolute best stories.” He said and began to tell us one about some guy who’d gone into his sister’s restaurant and made a scene because they wouldn’t serve him food that hadn’t even been on the menu. “Has that ever happened to you?” he asked me, and I shook my head.

“Cam’s also an artist.” Donny announced. “So when it’s time to decorate the new place, maybe you too can collaborate. He could paint a few pieces for us.”

“An artist?” Tate looked genuinely pleased. “That’s perfect. What kind of pieces do you do?”

I shrugged. “Just things I like. People or animals or still-life and landscapes and stuff.”

“Well wouldn’t that be perfect?” he said “All of us working together.”

I smiled and thought of how perfect it would feel to be a part of something so meaningful. I looked at their faces; laughing and talking with each other and it felt amazing to be included.

“It would be nice if we could get to know each other Cam. Would you like to spend the day with me tomorrow?” Tate asked much later, surprising me.

I couldn’t believe he’d want to spend any time with me and the thought made me feel excited. He seemed so smart and he as in the perfect relationship. He had a collar and everything. I felt like I could learn so much from him, but I glanced at Damion; wondering if he would be okay with it.

“You’re doing it again.” Tate said and I looked at him in confusion.

“Doing what?”

“You’re looking to Damion to make up your mind for you, but you’re your own person and that’s what you need to understand. It’s okay to make your own decisions.”

When I looked at Damion again, Tate snapped his fingers and I turned back to him. “Tomorrow they’ll be working on business matters. So would you like to spend the day around Chicago with me or do you want to stay and help with their business preparations?”

I almost looked at Damion again and I had to stop myself. Tate was watching me with one of those smiles that said he knew what I was thinking. I nodded. “Yeah I want to go with you.”

He grinned. “Good. We can head out after breakfast.”

When I finally did look at Damion he was smiling.

…………………………………………

Paul and Tate had also booked a room at the same hotel so we got the chance to walk back together. It was colder than before, but I’d enjoyed myself so much, that even the cold didn’t matter so much. Damion, Donny and Paul walked together upfront, while Tate and I walked further back.

“You make him happy you know.”

“I do?”

“Yes. I can see the change in him. He’s less bottled up than he was and he smiles more.”

I thought about it as we walked and bit my lip as I glanced at him. “Tate?”

“Hmmm?”

“Do you think…do you think he’ll keep me?”

“Do you want him to?”

I nodded. “Yes. I really do.”

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem.” he said and I frowned.

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s not. Listen to me love. If you want something in life, you have got to fight like hell for it. People like us will never have the luxury of getting anything handed to us without hard work. The first time Paul and I met he wanted nothing to do with me, but I saw a man I wanted, and I fought long and hard to get him, because I could see the amazing future we could have together…right from the start.”

“Yeah but Damion is different. He’s—”

“I see the way Damion looks at you. We all see it, and I’m not talking about lust. The man cares for you…deeply, but Damion is convinced that he can go through life without any meaningful attachments. He’s convinced he’s happy with the way things are, but the truth is that he’s miserable. I see it, Paul sees it, Donny sees it, everyone sees it. Now what you need to do is take your head out of the clouds for just long enough so that you can see it too.”

“I know he looks sad sometimes.”

“Well then I suppose that’s a start isn’t it?”

“But how will I know if he wants to keep me? I can’t tell if he likes me. I don’t see any signs.”

“Well that I can’t help you with, but I will say this; there’s no magic involved. There’s no such thing as a sign . What you need to look for is something that’s always been there.” He tutored. “You spend a lot of time with him, so I have no doubt that on some level you know the person he is. Use that knowledge, try to understand him. Actions speak louder than words so try to understand him based on his actions too.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“He thinks he doesn’t need affection so he won’t ever tell you that he cares, but a person can say one thing while from their actions it’s obvious what they really feel.”

I was beginning to understand and I told him so.

“Damion can be as thick as a brick sometimes, so as much as I can see how much he means to you, he won’t be able to tell. What this means is that if you have any hope of a life with him, you need to be honest with him about your feelings.”

“Okay… I will.” I promised.

Tate smiled at me. “Don’t wait too long. The sooner the better. Honesty is always the best way to start something beautiful.”

………………………………………………….

I stood by the open door of the balcony and looked out at the city. It was gorgeous, but then everything looked better from high up. It was almost midnight, but I didn’t feel tired. Everything Tate had said to me was floating around in my head. I wanted to be like him. He was so confident and he was smart. I wanted to be able to say what I wanted without worrying that I would say something stupid. He had Paul to protect him and to love him. He had a collar and a ring and he was so happy.

I sighed. Monte said it was wrong to envy other people. She said if you wanted something you had to work for it and if you worked hard enough you could get it. Tonight Tate had told me that he’d had to fight for Paul. Everyone I ever knew had to work hard, so why should I be any different? Why should Damion keep me just because it was what I wanted?

I felt him come up behind me then, and wrap his arms around me. “You’re freezing.” He said as he ran his hands up and down my arms. “Come inside.”

I followed him in and he slid the door closed. He was leading me into the bedroom, but if I went with him I wouldn’t be able to tell him what I was supposed to. I stopped and pulled my hand out of his. He turned to look at me. He was confused and I could see it on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“Do you think we can sit out here for a little bit?”

He was watching me with those eyes that never missed anything, but he nodded. “Of course” and we went to sit on the couch. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I felt like I would throw up.

Tate said to tell him. Tate knew Damion better than I did so if he said it was the best thing to do, then it had to be and if I didn’t do it tonight I didn’t think I ever could.

“Remember when you said I could tell you anything?”

“I remember.” He was watching me closely now and there was no going back.

“What if…what if you don’t like what I have to tell you?”

“It’s not for me to like or dislike. I’m here to listen.”

“You said I should always tell you the truth so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not trying to make you mad or anything. I just need you to know.”

“Know what Cam?” he asked softly.

He was so handsome. So perfect. “I need to tell you that…that I want you to keep me.” There I said it.

He blinked, but he didn’t say anything for a minute, then very slowly he said; “You want me to keep you?”

I nodded. My hands were shaking so I closed them into fists. “Yeah like forever.”

“Cam—”

“I’ll be so good Damion. I won’t ever lie to you ever again.” I told him. “I won’t let you down. Monte says I can cook okay and I’m going to take a cooking class to get better. I never get sick and I won’t get in your way and I can take care of Happy and I’ll do whatever you want.” I promised, but he was already shaking his head and I felt my heart drop. I could already feel my eyes burning and I couldn’t swallow past the lump in my throat as I watched him.

“I want you to keep me.” I told him again and my voice shook. He took my hands in his. He was going to say no. I could feel it and my chest hurt.

“Cam we talked about this remember?” he began “We agreed that I would train you, but there can be nothing more. Remember?”

“But you don’t train me anymore. You said—”

“I said you need help first. You’ve been through too much and I’ll help you in any way I can, but training you at a time like this will confuse you.”

“You can keep me and you won’t have to train me or help me or anything.”

“It’s not that simple.”

My eyes got too blurry to see his face. I blinked and realized that they were tears. I didn’t want to cry in front of him anymore. I wanted to be strong like Tate. “Please Damion. I’ll be so good. I just want to stay with you.”

“You deserve to be happy Cam and I can’t give you that.”

“You can.” I sobbed and I couldn’t stop it.

“Not the way you deserve to be. There are so many people who would be so happy to have you; who can make you happy and take care of you.” He said, but there wasn’t and I was shaking my head. There was only Damion. There was no one else.

“There is. Remember James who you met at the barbeque? He would love to have you. He told me so himself. He would spoil you Cam. You could be so happy with him.”

“I don’t like James.” I cried and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

“You don’t know him yet, but you will and you’ll see. Look what happened with Paul and Tate.” He said. “I trained him and then he went to someone who was better for him. Look how happy they are now. You’ll have that.”

I could feel the sides of my head throbbing and my nose running and I couldn’t stop it. “I don’t want that.” I sobbed.

“You do and James will fall head over heels for you because you’re amazing. I know him and he’ll want you all to himself. He’ll make you happy.”

“I don’t want to be happy.” I cried my nose kept on running and I could hardly see his face.

“He’ll get you a collar like you’ve always wanted.” He said and I shook my head.

“I don’t want a stupid collar. I just…I just need to stay here. I need,” I swallowed. “I need to stay here with you.” I could hardly catch my breath. “Please Damion.”

“You’ll get your collar.” He said firmly “And if not James, then I’ll find you someone else. I promise.”

He pulled me into his arms and I cried because I didn’t know what else to say to make him listen. I was going to lose him; just like that and I couldn’t take it. I could feel him rubbing my back and he was saying things that I couldn’t hear because it hurt too much.

I didn’t know how long we stayed there, but I cried until my throat as raw and my eyes were swollen and he just let me lie there. He rubbed my back but he didn’t say anything. My head felt like it was filled with cotton. I hugged him closer and for the first time in my whole life I felt like praying.

Why did I have to meet him? Why’d he have to come into the bar that night? Almost every night I’d been there and he hadn’t showed up, so why couldn’t he have just stayed away? Now I felt scared of losing him. What would I do when he made me leave? I blinked away the tears and my lips trembled.

“Damion?” I whispered.

It took him a second and when he answered his voice sounded strangely hoarse. “Yes Cam?”

“I love you.” I told him and it was the most honest thing I’d ever said in my life.

I expected him to push me away or tell me to go, but instead I was surprised when his arms tightened around me. It made me think of what Tate had said; that a person could say one thing but from their actions it was obvious how the really felt.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. His arms tightening around me wasn’t want made me remember Tate’s words. What made me remember was the fact that I’d been lying there with my head pressed against his chest and the second I’d said the words his heartbeat had became quicker.

I thought about what this could mean as I blinked away the tears and I felt the hope start to build. I pressed my ear closer to his chest and closed my eyes.

“I love you.” I said again and I listened to his heart fly.

                                                                  Author’s notes

THANK YOU FOR READING AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER.

KEEP SWEET!

c heck out my new blog! : nearqueer.wordpress.com

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 14: Just for Christmas

Chapter 14

I couldn’t tell if he was in a bad mood or not. He just sat there all quiet and emotionless; like he always did…but more. I couldn’t explain it.

He just looked more lost in thought than usual. I wished I was brave enough to smooth the lines between his brows. I wished I was brave enough to say something…anything, but all I could do was move the fruits around in my plate.

“Cam eat something.” It was the first thing he’d said to me all morning. I looked at him and our eyes met for about a second before he looked away again.

I sighed. My stomach was in knots. I couldn’t eat even if I wanted to and he hadn’t touched his breakfast either. He had a hand wrapped around his cup of coffee that he was hardly even drinking.

Last night I’d done the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life and this morning he couldn’t even look at me. I chewed on my bottom lip. Every time I thought about what I’d said to him my chest hurt.

He said he didn’t love me back, but the way his heart was beating…

I sneaked a peek at him. He was rubbing his forehead, like he had a headache or something and his eyes were closed. He was so handsome and perfect and I felt miserable not knowing what everything meant.

Maybe he was afraid. I’d read some of Monte’s romance books; sometimes guys were just afraid of what they were feeling.

I shook my head. This wasn’t a stupid book. This was real life and Damion wasn’t afraid of anything. He was big and strong and he could handle anything. He wasn’t afraid. He was just…just…

I blinked away the stupid tears. Stop being such a crybaby . Damion had seen enough of it last night, but I was scared and I didn’t want him to give me to James. I just wanted to stay with him…forever.

My lips trembled.

I pushed my plate away from me and pressed my ear to the table. Sometimes I wished I didn’t have feelings.

“At least have some tea.”

“I don’t feel good.”

He moved then and his hand hovered over my head for a few seconds, but I didn’t feel his fingers in my hair like I hoped. Instead he curled them into fists and pulled away.

I watched him as stood up and his chair scraped against the floor. He walked over to the window with his cup and just stood there looking out at nothing.

“I’m sorry.”

He didn’t say anything but I knew he heard me because the corners of his eyes tightened for just a second before he ran a hand over his face.

“Monte says it’s okay to be afraid sometimes.” I said quietly. “Because it means we’re human.”

“I’m not afraid.”

My brows furrowed. “I know. You’re not afraid of anything.”

He shook his head and sipped his coffee and I figured I better shut up before I made him mad.

……………………………………..

The hotel people came and cleared away all our plates and Damion had gone to the room. That was over two hours ago.

He was going to get rid of me. I could feel it. I’d gone and ruined everything. I was trying to write in my journal, but my hands were shaking. I couldn’t draw because I didn’t have any inspiration and I couldn’t think about anything because everything was so confusing in my head. He was so angry now and it was because of me opening my big mouth and making everything worse.

But his heart had been racing last night. Last night after I’d told him, his heart had been racing and it had to be what he was really feeling. His mouth was saying one thing, but his heart was saying something else. I just knew it. I’d read about this kinda stuff.

I bit my lip. People’s heart raced for so many different things. Maybe it wasn’t about feelings. Maybe he just…just…

I closed my eyes tight and clasped my hands in front of me. I never did this kinda stuff, but what if it worked? What if all I had to do was ask? So for the first time in life I talked to the guy my brother believed in more than anything; the man in the sky.

I made sure to apologize for disturbing him when there were so many Christian people out in the world who he would probably prefer to listen to. I told him about my brother being a pastor and hoped that it would make him want to listen to what I had to say. I told him that I was gay and that I was sorry but that it wasn’t something I could just get rid of.

I told him about Damion and how we met and how he made me feel. I made sure to describe him so he could know exactly which Damion I was talking about because there were so many Damion’s in the world. I made sure he knew the exact shade of his hair and the color of his eyes and the one freckle he had on his shoulder. I told him about the type of person Damion was. I made sure he understood that he was nice to me and that my Damion had a twin brother Donny; just to be sure he knew exactly who I was talking about.

Then I asked him to help me to get better at keeping my emotions together and I told him about Tate and how he had a collar and how he was going to get married to Paul. Then I told him about what happened when I told Damion how I felt and I asked him what it meant that Damion’s heart had gone all crazy when I’d said the words. I told him about Damion’s friend James and how Damion wanted to give me to him and I asked the man in the sky not to make him do that because I didn’t like James. I asked him to help me make Damion see that I would be good and I wouldn’t mess up anymore. And then when I ran out of things to say, I told him again how much I loved Damion and I asked him to help me even though I was gay, and then because I knew how close he and my brother were, I asked him to tell my brother I loved him too.

When I opened my eyes, my cheeks were wet. I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying. I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt, then I took up my pen. My hands weren’t shaking anymore.

December 24.

Dear Journal,

Chicago is beautiful. It’s very cold here. I met Tate and he was wearing his ring. He’s very handsome and he was nice to me. Tomorrow is Christmas but I’m not really feeling the Christmas spirit anymore.

A lot of things has happened.

I miss Monte. I want to go home.

-Cam.

After that I searched for the number Tate had given me and called him to cancel. I didn’t want to hang out with him today. I wanted to spend the day with Damion…even though it hurt.

………………………………….

When Donny came knocking I let him in and he looked at me funny.

“Everything alright?”

I nodded, but he was watching my face and his eyes narrowed like he didn’t believe me.

“Damion’s in the room.” I told him, hoping he would leave me alone, and after a few more seconds he did, and I went to sit in the couch.

Donny stopped at the bedroom door and leaned against the frame. “Everything alright?” he asked Damion and I waited to hear what he would say, but I couldn’t make it out.

“Are you sure? Because we have a meeting with the others in about fifteen minutes and Cam’s out there looking like he just lost his best friend and you’re in here not looking much better.” He paused, probably waiting for a response and when none came he continued. “You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothing you need to concern yourself with.” This time I heard Damion say and I pretended to sketch something while I listened to them, but then Donny stepped into the room and shut the door behind him and all I could hear where their muffled voices.

I hoped he wouldn’t tell Donny about what I’d said. I didn’t want Donny to know. I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want anyone to look at me different. I didn’t want Donny to think any less of me. He was nice.

Twenty minutes passed before the door opened again and Donny came out. “Tate says you’re coming with us instead?”

I nodded.

“Then you should go get ready. We’re late.”

I waited for a sign that he knew what had happened, but he didn’t give me one, so I stood, took a deep breath and entered the bedroom, just as Damion stepped into the bathroom.

I set out the clothes I was going to wear on the bed and grabbed my toothbrush off the nightstand. When I went into the bathroom, I automatically looked towards the shower. I couldn’t help it. It was one of those showers with the clear sliding doors and the steam was already fogging it up.

Damion was standing with one hand pressed against the shower wall in front of him and his head bowed, eyes closed, with the spray wetting his hair, running over his shoulders and down…down…down.

I swallowed hard and turned away from him. When I looked at my face in the mirror, it was red.

If there was even a tiny chance that he felt something for me, even just a little bit of feeling then I was going to have to find out. But how?

…………………………………………………

Damion

For once I didn’t know what to say. Cam tiptoed around me like a wounded puppy. He refused to meet my eyes but sneaked little glances my way whenever he thought I wasn’t looking.

He was hurt. I understood that, but it didn’t make this any easier. After all the progress we’d made. I rubbed my forehead in an attempt to relieve the ache that had settled there from the night before.

We were having lunch with my business partners after spending the morning visiting potential properties and even now, his eyes and nose were still red and swollen; evidence of the fact that he’d spent the night in tears. I’d never felt so helpless in my life.

He’d dropped a bombshell and I hadn’t known how to deal with it—still didn’t know in fact. This was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid all my adult life and even something as simple as this I couldn’t run away from. Emotional entanglements were not what I had signed up for when I’d chosen this lifestyle.

Why couldn’t life be simple? Why was there this constant need for people to fall in love and deal with all the drama that that came with it?

Why couldn’t too people meet, have fun and when all was said and done, go their separate ways?

I love you.

Cam’s words still reverberated inside my head like a broken record. It was the first time I’d had any such declaration from a Sub. They usually understood the stakes. They usually kept it simple.

I wondered if maybe I hadn’t made myself completely clear to him. Was there any way I could have gone about things differently in order to avoid this chaos?

Cam spilled the hot chocolate he’d ordered and blushed scarlet when he looked up and realized that I’d seen. I felt an odd tightening in my chest.

James, who had taken the seat on Cam’s left, grabbed a napkin and helped him clear the mess. Cam was frowning at him as he watched, but of course James was too star struck to notice.

Cam had that effect on people. He was too beautiful, too delicate and too innocent not to. People would trip over themselves to make him notice them, but of course he never noticed. He had no confidence, no self-esteem. He would say yes if a man showed even the slightest interest. It was just unfortunate that the first ones to show interest were the assholes.

There was so much that went into training a Sub like Cam. You had to be careful, patient and understanding. It was important to be firm with him, but only to a point. Would James understand that?

Would he realize that Cam wasn’t like any other Submissive? Would he understand just how much care and attention he would need to give him after everything he’d been through? Would James be patient with him when he made mistakes, or when he was clumsy or when he forgot to follow the rules?

I closed my eyes. I should have passed him off sooner; while I was still just a stranger to him and he had no expectations. Now he thought he was in love with me. Now it would only be that much harder for him to heal once I let him go.

For a moment I allowed myself to think about how it would be if I kept him like he wanted, but I wasn’t the right man for the job. I wouldn’t be able to be there for him in all the ways he needed. A boy like Cam needed affection. He needed…love and I hadn’t felt that emotion in a very long time. To keep him would be to deny him what he deserved and I wouldn’t do that.

When I opened my eyes, it was to see my brother watching me with a frown. I’d told him about Cam’s confession and about my next course of action. He didn’t approve.

Beside him, Paul was also watching me; puzzled. I ignored them both.

When it finally came time to order, Cam looked to me for guidance as he always did and I ordered him something I was sure he would like, but when the food came he didn’t eat much.

He didn’t have much of an appetite. Neither did I.

Tomorrow was Christmas day and I thought about his gift; nestled deep within my suitcase; a gold bracelet with his name engraved on it—because Cam liked anything with his name on it. Would it be inappropriate to give it to him? Would he get the wrong idea?

As lunch progressed, conversation turned to business but I was too caught up in my own thoughts to pay attention. I’d never before felt so completely out of sorts. I’d always been sure of myself; in control; confident, but after what Cam had told me…

It shouldn’t affect me the way it was. They were just words. Words meant nothing. I felt that strange tightening in my chest again. Cam’s words had meant something though. I’d seen it in his eyes. The kid really loved me; or thought he did.

This morning he had insinuated that I was afraid. I watched him now as he shifted his food around his plate and inched further and further away from James—unbeknownst to James of course.

“I’m not afraid.” I whispered the words under my breath. What was there to fear?

Cam’s eyes flashed to mine and I realized he’s heard me. For once, I couldn’t decipher the emotion I was seeing in his. It was as if he’d found something in my gaze and he was trying to understand it. It made me feel strangely bare; as if he’d found all the secrets I’d buried and was trying to figure out what to do with them.

I looked away, but I could still feel his eyes on me; even as I shoved all thoughts of the previous night out of my head and took part in the conversation. They settled on me like an itch I couldn’t scratch and for the rest of the lunch hour, I ignored them.

…………………………………….

The first site we visited after lunch wasn’t worth mentioning, but the second had potential. It was a three story structure with not as much parking as I would have liked, but I could easily picture what it could be with a great deal of work…perhaps too much work. Expansion would be necessary, a few walls would need to be torn down, the windows would have to go— perhaps even rearranged. The staircase was dated but its position in relation to the rest of the space was perfect.

We would need to sit down as a group and decide what to do with, but the second floor, which was once a ballroom, would house the restaurant. I couldn’t picture the gentleman’s club on the third floor. In fact I couldn’t picture it anywhere on the building and that was the biggest problem with this site.

I could hear Donny and the others upstairs discussing the numbers. Cam stood across the room, running his hand along the dusty brass statue, that looked like it belonged in a museum.

He’d forgotten his gloves, despite the fact that Donny had reminded him about it before we’d left. He was definitely not meant for the cold. He was too small and forgetful to survive any kind of winter here. I watched him flex his fingers a few times before stuffing his hands into his pockets. I glanced around the room again.

“What do you think of this place?”

He glanced at me, then back at the statue. “It’s dirty.”

I smiled. “But it has potential right?”

Cam looked at the statue again, then glanced slowly around the room. His furrowed brows told me all I needed to know, even as he shrugged and said ‘I guess’.

It was then that I started picturing it from his perspective; the dented floorboards, the peeling wallpaper and the large stain marks in the ceiling. Not to mention the hideous statue that he couldn’t take his eyes off of.

It was true that it had potential, but refurbishing an old place like this would mean taking on a lot of unnecessary expense.

“I have a really good feeling about this place.” We both turned to watch Donny and James descend the staircase.

“It’s not too bad up there. Smaller than I’d like but, knock down a few walls and we’ve got our club.” Donny said when he reached our level.

“Let’s not decide until we’ve seen the others.”

Donny’s brows furrowed. “A few minutes ago you were all for it.”

I made the mistake of glancing at Cam and Donny frowned. “Don’t tell me you’re changing your mind because Cam doesn’t like it.” he said. “This is a business decision Damion. We’re putting serious thought into this, not—”

“Don’t start. This place has potential but not much else.”

“Potential is good.” James commented, then broke away from us to cross the room to where Cam now stood typing away on his phone.

“It’s the perfect location. A little bit of work and—”

“Parking is limited, we’ll have to knock down more than just a few walls. The building is dated, we’re talking about serious renovation, complete rewiring, changing out the tin can they call a roof.” I chuckled. “It would be cheaper to build from scratch.”

Donny glanced around the room, contemplating my words. Then shook his head.

“Let’s go check out the wine cellar.” He gestured with his head to the staircase that would take us to the ground floor.

The moment Cam realized we were leaving the room, he stepped away from James, interrupting him midsentence, and took hold of my hand.

I looked at him; noting the unfamiliar defiance in his eyes, as he glanced over his shoulder at the bewildered James, and then he was leading me down the stairs right behind Donny.

If all else failed, at least one good thing had come out of the trip; Donny was finally sold on the idea of business expansion in Chicago. When we reached to the ground floor, Donny turned to say something, but fell silent when his eyes drifted to my hand clasped in Cam’s.

His eyes narrowed. “Can I talk to you in private for a minute?” he said, and although I nodded and withdrew from Cam, I did so with the knowledge that I was about to receive an unwelcome lecture.

We stepped into the small room beside the staircase. When I’d first arrived I’d imagined it as a large storage space or a private lounge. The door swung shut behind me when I stepped inside and Donny walked a few paces into the room and looked around, before finally turning to say what was on his mind.

“What are you doing Damion?” his gaze was disapproving.

“If you’re talking about Cam th—”

“You know that’s exactly who I’m talking about. After everything you told me this morning, why are you still leading the kid on?”

“Come again?”

He gestured to the door. “Holding his hand, making eyes at him during lunch. What’s the point? If you really want to cut him loose then what you’re doing is cruel.”

I shook my head. “You’re wrong… and he held my hand, what do you want me to do? The situation is delicate. Cam—”

“—doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.” He interrupted, and my face flushed in anger.

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You walk around acting like you have his best interest at heart, knowing all the while that he’d fall for you.”

My eyes narrowed. “I had no idea he would f—”

“Bullshit.”

I gritted my teeth. “Donny—”

“Any fool could see that that’s exactly what was coming. He’s dealt with assholes all his life and you’re the first person to come into his life and treat him right. Can you honestly say you didn’t expect this? Can you honestly say that you thought he’d understand the rules and keep his feelings out of it?”

“I…” I began, but there was nothing I could say in rebuttal and Donny knew it.

He shook his head. “This has gone on long enough. Either cut him loose or tell him how you really feel, but you can’t continue like this. It’s not right. Especially not after last night.”

“I already told him how I feel. He understands…”

“Maybe it’s time you stopped running scared Damion. You’re not a kid anymore and dad isn’t here to hurt you.” He said. “Cam deserves to be happy. You both do, and if that means trying to make it work then tell him. But if that means making a clean break, then do it quick and do it now before you hurt that kid even more than you already have.”

He walked past me and out the door, and for a few minutes I stood there in silence; his words reverberating in my head.

“Damion?”

I turned to see Cam, who had poked his head into the room. His eyes were wide with uncertainty. “Paul says we’re leaving.” He reported.

“I’ll be out in a couple minutes.”

He frowned; the expression in his eyes changing from uncertainty to one of concern. “Are you okay?”

For a moment I only watched him; Donny’s words still ringing in my ears. Then I offered him a small smile and a nod. “I’m fine. Go tell Paul I’ll be right there.”

“Okay.” He replied with a frown, but disappeared a moment later to relay the message.

’ Either cut him loose or tell him how you really feel ’ Donny had said.

I shook my head and turned away from the water stains on the ceiling and the mildewing curtains that hung haphazardly over the windows.

He just didn’t understand. It wasn’t that easy.

…………………………………………..

Cam

Donny and Damion were mad at each other. They wouldn’t even look at each other on the way to the airport and when Donny took his bags out of the trunk, they barely said goodbye.

I waved to him when he was on the escalator and he waved back; but he wasn’t his usual happy self.

I think the others noticed too, but they didn’t say anything, and it didn’t matter anyway because minutes later we watched them leave too.

They were going back home to their families for Christmas tomorrow, but me and Damion were staying in Chicago for a little while longer. And James too. Even Tate and Paul had left already and I felt bad for not hanging out with him like he had wanted, but he said when we got back home, we could meet up anytime.

On the way back to the hotel James was talking to me, but I wished he wouldn’t and I was glad when we finally got there and he left for his room.

“Let’s go for a walk.” Damion said as we watched him go and I glanced up at him, trying to understand what he was thinking, but as usual I couldn’t tell with him.

We walked out of the hotel lobby and into the garden area. Nothing was blooming out there in the cold but I could imagine how pretty it looked in the spring, or summer. We walked for a little while and it was quiet. We were the only ones outside and I wanted to hold his hand but he’d stuffed them into his pockets.

I wondered what he would say to me and I felt nervous because I knew we wouldn’t be out here unless he had something important to say. I bit my lip and thought about James.

I wished he hadn’t bothered to come too. I didn’t want to go with him.

We walked a little bit further and I followed Damion into a covered gazebo. It was covered all around with glass and it had a small door and cool fairy lights on the ceiling. It was even warm on the inside, and when I sat on the small bench and looked out, the world outside looked dark and cold.

There weren’t any other people around and we were a little ways away from the lobby, but it didn’t really matter anyway. Nothing bad would happen with Damion here.

“I really like this hotel.” I told him, because it was the truth. It was pretty here. I liked the gazebo too; it was nice and cozy and I liked that we were the only ones in it.

Damion sat on the bench across from me. His hands were still tucked inside his jacket pockets and I wondered if they were cold like mine were.

“Are you going to buy one of the places we went to today?” I asked because the quietness made me nervous.

“No.” he said, watching me. “We’ll come back and continue our search another time.”

I nodded, and when I bit my lip, he looked away.

I watched his face. The fairy lights above us were like stars; like magic. I liked the way sitting under them with him made me feel. He was very handsome; like a Prince in a fairy tale. I liked how black his hair was and the way his eyelashes looked so long when he closed his eyes. I liked his nose; straight and perfect and his lips; they looked soft just like they felt.

I blushed, but he wasn’t watching me so I didn’t have to turn away. I liked how strong he was. His shoulders were so broad and his arms so big and hard and strong. He was like a knight, in one of those historical novels Monte had.

I liked how smart he was. I could ask him anything about anything and he would know the answer. I wished I could reach over and touch his face. He had a headache. I could tell because every time he did, there was that one vein in the middle of this forehead that stood out.

I wondered if he was thinking about whatever fight he and Donny had had or if he was thinking about last night and what I’d said.

I took a deep breath. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way.” I told him and finally he looked at me. “Leo doesn’t love Monte either—I can tell— but she loves him and she’s really happy.”

He shook his head. “That’s not how it should be.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not fair to Monte. If Leo doesn’t feel the same then he should let her go. He should allow her to find someone who will feel about her the way she feels about him.”

“But she doesn’t want that. She loves him for both of them. That’s okay.”

“It’s not. He should let her go. It’s the right thing to do.”

My chest was getting tight and so was my throat. “She’s happy. She just wants them to be together forever because…because that’s just how she feels.”

When Damion smiled, it was sad. “But she’s not really happy. Is she Cam?” he asked, and I blinked away the moisture in my eyes. “She won’t really be happy until he feels the same way.”

“Maybe one day he will. Maybe…maybe if she tries hard enough and if she’s really really good then—” I whispered.

“He won’t.” he said and he sounded so sure.

“Why?” my voice was shaky.

“Because some people aren’t made that way.” He said. “Some people can’t feel…Not everyone falls in love.”

My cheeks were wet. “Please don’t give me to James.”

“It’s your choice Cam. You can be with whoever you want.”

“Then I want to be with you.”

He was shaking his head. “Anyone but me. I shouldn’t have let this go on for as long as it has. It hasn’t been fair to you and I’m sorry.

I swallowed hard. My eyes were blurry. I looked down at my hands and I saw the time on my watch.

Twelve o’clock.

“It’s Christmas.” I said; my voice shaky and hoarse.

He nodded.

“On Christmas everybody’s wish is supposed to come true. It’s a rule.”

He smiled, but just like before, it was sad. “Yeah?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Just this once.”

“What do you want for Christmas? I’ll get you anything you want.”

“I want you.”

He started to shake his head. “Cam—”

“You can pretend.” I interrupted him. “Just for this one time. You can pretend that you love me and we can be happy and everything will be perfect.”

“Cam…”

“Just for today Damion.” I begged him. “Just for Christmas. We can be in love and we can pretend I belong to you and that we’re happy.”

He blinked a few times fast like something was in his eyes, and he looked up at the fairy lights for a while, then finally back at me. “What do people do when they’re in love?”

My heart was hurting, but I smiled and stood; holding out my hand for him to take. “Anything we want.”

He looked at my hand and then into my eyes. “And what do you want?”

“I want to go to bed.” I told him and finally, after what felt like a minute, he took my hand and I led him back to the lobby and up to our room.

He sat on the edge of the bed and watched me while I pulled off my jacket and my shirt and dropped them onto the floor, and he was still watching when I pulled everything else off and stood naked in front of him.

I liked that his eyes were looking straight into mine when I unbuttoned his shirt and helped him get out of his own clothes. Then we were both naked before each other and he was perfect, and for once, I felt perfect too. He sat there and I stood between his legs.

His hands, when they finally touched my hips, were cold, but they made my body feel hot. I pretended not to notice the way they shook just a little bit as he ran them up my body, or how his breath was ragged and not at all controlled like it usually was when he finally pulled me onto the bed and hovered over me.

I pretended not to notice the way he held me extra tight when he pushed himself inside me or how he kissed every inch of my face like he just couldn’t help himself.

It was slow and deep and it felt better than anything I’d ever felt before. He was as gentle as he always was, but I felt like he was there with me the whole time. Completely there. He wasn’t trying to teach me anything or trying to make me feel good. This time he wasn’t a Dominant and I wasn’t his Submissive. He was just Damion and I was just Cam and everything felt the way it was supposed to.

I heard every inhale, every exhale. I felt every shudder and every tightening of his hands on my body. I liked his breath on my neck. I liked when he kissed me in that spot just below my ear lobe. I wrapped myself around him and he buried himself deep inside me and every time he pulled away again I could feel how much he just wanted to get closer.

I moaned and I gasped and my nails sunk into his back. When I bit his shoulder, he went faster and when told him I loved him he kissed me harder. I could feel him everywhere. He touched me everywhere and he licked and bit and sucked until even the room didn’t exist, the sheets didn’t exist; nothing mattered except the two of us and what we were making each other feel.

I came without him having to touch me and he came shortly after with a shout. I pretended not to notice the wonderful thing that I saw in his eyes when he looked at me after, or how his hands still shook a little when he pulled the covers over us. I pretended not to feel how tight he hugged me close to him or how ragged his breath was even long after we’d both cooled down.

I pretended not to feel the dampness on his cheeks when my forehead rested against it or to see how soaked his eyelashes were when I looked at his face and he tried to turn his head away. Then even later on that night, when we were just lying there in the quiet and my back was pressed against his chest, I pretended not to hear it when he told me he loved me for the first time, then I pretended the wet stuff rolling down my cheeks weren’t tears, because it was Christmas and just for this one day we were pretending it was all real.

We were pretending we were happy.

We were pretending we were in love.

“Merry Christmas Damion.”

“Merry Christmas Cam.”

                                                                     Author’s Notes

Thanks for your patience. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Thanks for reading and keep Sweet!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 15: Making Memories

Chapter 15

I was dreaming about pumpkin pie; the best scent in the world and my all-time favorite Christmas treat. I was back home with my family and my brother, his wife and his kids were there. Monte was there too and everyone was happy; even my dad—he was sitting in the living room with Damion talking about business things and I was in the kitchen with my mom, watching her bake a pumpkin pie especially for me. 

I loved Christmas with my family. I loved how happy it made everyone and how everything tasted amazing no matter who made it. I especially loved how beautiful and bright everything was.

I couldn’t help but smile as mom pulled the pie out of the oven. She was wearing her favorite apron; the one with the yellow frills at the bottom that I used to play with when I was a kid. She set the pie down on the counter before me and touched a finger to the tip of my nose.

Her hand smelled like fresh roses. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then wrinkled my nose when it started to itch. I reached up to rub the itch away and I heard a deep chuckle. When I opened my eyes and blinked twice, Damion came into focus. He was kneeling on the floor beside me with his elbows propped up on the bed as he twirled a single red rose in his hand.

I felt a slight pang in my chest when I realized my mom wasn’t actually there, but the feeling cleared completely when I realized Damion was grinning down at me. His hair was damp; from a shower I guessed. He smelled like hotel soap and flowers. I shifted closer to him and sniffed and he chuckled.

I liked the way he was smiling even with his eyes; it was different from how he usually smiled (which was rare anyway). I wondered what had happened to the shadows that I usually saw in them. I wondered why he suddenly looked freer; like all his troubles had disappeared and there was nothing else left to do but to be happy.

I wondered if this new change was because it was Christmas—everyone was happy at Christmas time. I reached up to touch the side of his face and he raised a brow like he was amused or something. I blushed and he caught my hand before I could pull away and wrapped my fingers around the stem of the rose—he had taken off all the thorns.

I sat up and sniffed it. I always did like the smell of roses. Sometimes I would go into the flower shop down the street from where me and Monte lived just to smell them. This was the very first time someone had given me one for my very own though. It was just too bad it wouldn’t last forever—neither would the rose.

I looked back at him and smiled. I never dreamed that one day I would have a big handsome man kneeling by my bedside with a rose and a smile just for me. It was the best thing I’d ever woken up to in my life and I couldn’t wait to tell Monte all about it.

“Merry Christmas.”

I blushed when he spoke. His voice sounded especially deep and sexy this morning. It made me feel things.

“I was dreaming about pumpkin pie.” I told him and thought it was cute when he titled his head slightly to the side.

“Really now? I never knew you liked pumpkin pie.”

I nodded. “My mom used to make it for me at Christmas. We used to sit in the kitchen and eat it even before breakfast. Monte bakes it for me at Christmas too but it doesn’t taste like my mom’s.” I told him. “It’s one of my favorite Christmas memories.”

“I see.” He said, like he was thinking real hard about it.

“What’s your favorite Christmas memory?”

He smiled that new smile that I loved and my whole body got warm. “When we were kids Donny and I used to spend all Christmas day watching hallmark movies and eating ice-cream.”

Suddenly his eyes didn’t look so happy anymore so I changed the subject. “How come you got a rose? I didn’t see any outside.”

He shrugged—something he never did. “I may have borrowed it from one of the floral arrangements in the lobby. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find a mistletoe in this place.”

I laughed “Well I love roses.”

“I figured you would.”

“How come?”

“Just a feeling.” He tilted his head to the bedroom door “Come on, I ordered breakfast.”

I watched him stand and I slipped out of bed. I loved how his eyes ran all over my body when I did. I set the rose carefully on the night stand and I could feel still feel him watching me as I walked to the bathroom.

I loved the way he made me feel sometimes; like I was irresistible or something. I showered quickly and look at my face in the mirror for a really long time after I’d brushed my teeth; trying to convince myself to be strong since it was our last day of pretending.

I picked up my rose on the way out of the room and was surprised to see that he’d spread out our food on the coffee table. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the sofa and flipping through the channels.

I sat down beside him and he finally picked a channel and dropped the remote on the carpet beside him; hallmark.

I felt my chest ache; did this mean he wanted to make memories with me too? But I shook my head at my ridiculousness, placed the rose on the sofa and took the mug he offered me. He’d ordered so many different things; lots of pastries, pancakes, eggs, bacon. There was even cereal.

Except for the soft sounds coming from the TV, we ate in silence and it felt good. It was a morning I would remember forever.

………………………………….

It was just about an hour after breakfast when he gave me my first gift. I hadn’t even expected anything. I was so surprised by it that I could only stare for a second. He’d wrapped it in the prettiest gift paper; I almost felt bad when it tore even though I’d been trying extra hard not to. I would still keep a strip of it anyway; just so I could remember it all.

The box was pretty heavy and I couldn’t even begin to imagine what was in it. Damion didn’t complain that I was taking too long to open it either; he just sat back and watched; a slight smile on his face.

He only interrupted to cut the tape off the box after I asked him to pass the knife. When I finally got it open I was pretty sure my mouth was wide open when I looked at him.

“This is for me?”

He nodded. “Of course.”

“But…how did you know?”

“You asked Monte to borrow hers remember?”

I nodded. “Yeah and she said Leo had it.”

I’d been surprised a lot today. No, my life had been full of surprises since the night I’d met him in the bar. It felt like such a long time ago already.

I pulled the camera carefully from the casing. It was heavy and very expensive looking. It was like something a professional would use; it even came with a bunch of different lenses. It looked almost exactly like the camera I’d seen in the hotel gift shop the day before.

“Wait, is this the one we saw? The one from yesterday?” I asked and he nodded. “but I didn’t think you’d even noticed I was looking at it.” Then I gasped “This is really expensive Damion.”

“It’s Christmas.” Was all he said and pulled off the last piece of protective wrapping that covered it.

It would take a while before I understood how to properly use gear like this but it could be a fun hobby. I could already picture Sundays with me and Monte playing around with it. We could get cool shots at the park and everything and it even came with one of those tripod stand things that I’d seen in videos on the internet.

“But when did you even get the chance to buy it? We were together all day yesterday and the gift store’s not open today…is it?”

Damion shrugged. I was really starting to love this new casual side of him. “It’s not that difficult to convince people to help you out when it’s Christmas.”

“Wow.” He was just amazing. I couldn’t have pulled off something like that. He was just one of those people; he walked into a room and people wanted to make him happy.

I leaned over and wrapped my hands around his neck. “Thank you so much. I’ll take the best care of it. I won’t drop it or anything. I promise.”

For a second it felt as if he was frozen, then slowly, he moved his arms and hugged me back. I loved the feeling of being in his arms.

“You’re welcome.” He whispered against my neck and I shivered against him.

I pulled away, biting my lip. It felt kind of ridiculous now to give him my gift when he’d gone and spent so much on mine, but if I didn’t give him anything at all I bet it would be even worse.

“I’ll be right back.” I told him and ran to my travel bag in the bedroom. I dug through it until I found the canister; it was the only part of the gift that I’d bought and it had cost me almost half my savings because you didn’t get a rich person something cheap.

I liked the quality. I’d searched long and hard to find it and at the time I’d been happy with it, but now, when I thought about the expensive camera sitting in the other room, it started to look cheap to me. I sighed and stood.

I didn’t look at him as he opened it but he’d taken it with a smile.

“Cam these are…amazing.” I heard his hushed whisper and I looked around. He was looking through the paintings I’d done for him. There were five in all. “You did this?” he asked, looking away from the paintings long enough to look at me.

His eyes didn’t look like the eyes of a person who was only trying to be polite. He looked like he might actually truly like them. I nodded and he looked back at them.

“Your talent is extraordinary Cam.” He was looking at the one I’d painted of Happy in the pool; half his body was under water so all you could see was a part of his back and his cute little head. I’d made sure all my paintings were as detailed as possible. I’d wanted them to be perfect, but even that had been extra hard to do since I’d spent a lot of time with Damion over the last few days. I’d had to steal little moments to do the one with happy.

I watched him set it aside carefully and we both looked at the second one—it was the one I’d painted of him in his study at home. He was sitting behind his desk with a bunch of papers in front of him with his pen hovering over one of the pages. It was one of my favorites that I’d ever done because his expression was so real.

One night I’d woken up to an empty bed and I’d gone downstairs and found him in the study. Seeing him sitting there was a moment I hadn’t been able to get out of my head, so I had painted it awhile back. The painting showed how frustrated he’d been as he stared down at his papers. I’d planned to keep it just so I could remember that moment, but now that I watched him staring down at it like it was the most interesting thing it the room, I was glad I’d added it in with everything else.

I picked up the camera and uncapped the lens. I was quiet as I pushed in the memory card and turned on the camera. The quality was beautiful. I pointed the camera at him and snapped a picture.

He didn’t even realize.

The next picture was also one of my favorites. It was him in the bar the first time I’d met him and he’d been sitting on a stool behind the bar. I painted the exact moment he’d looked around and saw me. The look in his eyes wasn’t something I would ever forget.

He ran his hand slowly over it, then carefully put it with the others. He smiled when he got to the one I’d painted with him and Donny. I’d painted it from my perspective in the back seat of Donny’s car, so you could see the two seats and half of both their faces as they looked at each other grinning. I figured he’d love that one the best.

“This is amazing Cam.” He said again and I blushed, then blushed even more when he set it aside and saw the last one.

It was embarrassing to look at. I’d painted it back when I thought he would keep me. I’d painted it like a traditional family portrait. There was Damion standing with his hands on my shoulder and Happy in my hands. We were both smiling, even though his smile still had the shadows in them. I felt foolish now as I looked at it, but Damion didn’t say anything; he just looked at it for a really long time.

I snapped another picture, this time he looked up and realized what I was doing. He smiled. “You’re amazing, do you know that?”

I felt my face go hot and I shook my head. “Well you are.” He told me quietly, then leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

………………………….

We spent a good chunk of the rest of the morning on the couch watching TV. He let me lie down against him, but of course I made sure I didn’t accidentally touch his injury. I’d had to charge the camera because it hadn’t come fully charged, but when it was all charged up I’d played around with it a little. I got to take a bunch of pictures of Damion and he didn’t get annoyed or anything. There was even one of him making a silly face; I was going to print that one.

I took pictures of the rose at different angles after I put it in a glass of water and then I went on the balcony for a minute to take pictures of the sky and the snow on the ground, but I’d gone out there without shoes and in just my PJ’s so Damion told me to come inside.

The camera was amazing though. It made me feel like a real artist. I couldn’t wait until I really figured out how to use it. I called Monte to wish her a Merry Christmas and she seemed pretty happy. She said she was going to spend the day with Leo since he came back from wherever he went, then I’d checked my brother’s Facebook page for pictures of what he and my parents were up to, but he hadn’t posted anything yet.

Damion ordered a small pizza for me for lunch and a pasta dish for himself. When he fell asleep on the couch a little while after, I took a picture of him sleeping, then pulled on some clothes and wrote him a note telling him I would be downstairs taking pictures in the lobby.

I made sure to bring the keycard with me so I didn’t disturb him when I got back up. The hallway was empty and so was the elevator. I saw one other person on my way to the lobby and it was a hotel worker. I wondered if maybe we were the only guests here on Christmas, but I remembered seeing a lot of people the night before.

I took pictures of the flowers I saw down there and I would have gone outside to take even cooler pictures, but it looked really cold out there and I didn’t wear any warm clothes, so I took pictures of the giant chandelier and the art on the walls and then one of the workers posed for a picture without me asking; she was nice.

There was Christmas music playing and I saw an old couple sitting in one of the sofa’s in front of the massive Christmas tree. I took a picture of them from behind so they wouldn’t see, then I took a picture of the tree by itself, but it came out kind of blurry so I tried again.

It was way better than Monte’s camera; hers was small and it didn’t have lens that could come off so I bet she would love this one and I wouldn’t let Leo borrow it; no matter what.

I was just about to pass the hotel restaurant on my way back to the room when I saw him; James. He was sitting around a table by himself. He had a mug on the table in front of him and he was looking out the window. I would have left anyway but he looked so lonely sitting there and I felt bad.

When I walked in, one of the workers stopped me to ask something, but I shook my head and walked towards James. He looked up when I stopped in front of his table and he smiled.

“Cam.” he said. “I didn’t expect to see you down here. Is Damion with you?” he looked around.

“No.” then; “Merry Christmas.”

He smiled a lot with his eyes I noticed. “Merry Christmas.”

“How come you’re here all alone? Don’t you want to spend Christmas with your family?”

He gestured to the chair across from him, so I sat down only for a little while.

“I have a sister, but she’s away on vacation with her family. I didn’t want to intrude.”

“What about the rest of your family?”

He smiled again but he didn’t answer, instead he asked “What about your family? Didn’t you want to spend the holidays with them?”

“I love Damion.” I told him once and for all.

He paused for a second. “I see.”

“And I don’t want to have to be with anybody else. I just want it to be me and Damion.”

He nodded. “I think I got your message loud and clear.” He said, but he didn’t look angry or anything; he just looked normal. “Nice camera.”

I looked down at it and nodded. “Damion gave it to me for Christmas.” I told him, then I stood up. “I’m gonna go back up now.”

“You’re good for him.” He said and I stopped for a second and watched him “I hope it all works out.”

“You do?”

“I do.” He said, and I smiled back at him before I turned to leave.

James was nice.

…………………………………..

I slipped the keycard into the slot and pushed open the door to our suite, then closed it back behind me. Damion wasn’t on the couch where I left him. I could hear him talking to somewhere in the bedroom. I left the camera on the counter and went to check on him, but something made me stop when I got to the open door and I peered in to see Damion sitting on the ground with his laptop on the floor in front of him. He was turned away from me and I could see that he was on a video call.

I turned to give him some privacy, but his next words made me freeze.

“I can’t be the one to make this decision Paul. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Please… I can’t…”

His voice was shaking. It sounded just like mine did whenever I was trying not to cry.

I slid down to the floor just around the corner where he wouldn’t see me and wrapped my arms around my legs.

There was a long pause, then I heard Paul sigh. “I don’t know what to tell you Damion.”

“Would it be so bad if I just let it go on?” he asked, “Just this once, why can’t I be selfish? Why can’t I have exactly what I want, consequences be damned? Just this once can I just stop worrying about what’s right?”

“You of all people deserve to be happy Damion…but not at Cam’s expense. He’s the one person who doesn’t deserve that, so no, you can’t be selfish; not with him.”

I heard Damion take a long shaky breath, but he said nothing and when I peeked around the corner, his head was down. “So I have to let him go.” He whispered and I could feel my chest tighten.

“All he wants is for you to love him.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Why can’t you? Why are you always running away from every chance you have to—”

“I’m not running, I’m just not capable.” He interrupted.

“Bullshit. You don’t even give yourself the chance. Maybe all you need to do is open yourself up to the possibility of loving him and you could make this work.”

He was shaking his head. “I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t.”

“I mean I can’t dammit!” he shouted and slammed his hand against the laptop. For a second, I thought he’d broken it, but Paul was still on the screen and he was watching him. I wished I could see Damion’s face, but I thought if I did I would probably cry and he didn’t need that right now.

“You know what I think?” Paul asked, but Damion said nothing. “I think you’re already in love with him. You’ve just spent your whole life trying to avoid it that you can’t even recognize it now that it’s happened to you.”

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I felt Damion must be able to hear it. I rubbed the blurriness from my eyes and peered around into the room. I couldn’t believe what Paul was saying. I needed to hear what Damion would say. I felt like I would just split in two sitting there.

It was a long time before he responded and when he did, I shut my eyes tight hoping to prevent any tears. “I’m not.” His voice was quiet. “I don’t love anyone and I never will.”

“Then it seems you have a choice to make.”

“I promised him a perfect day today. He wants us to pretend we’re happy.”

“Where is he now?”

“Downstairs in the lobby; taking pictures.” Damion told him and Paul nodded.

“Then you should go clean yourself up. Don’t let him see you like this. Give him his day and tomorrow you can cut him loose.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to stand to watch him with someone else Paul. I thought I could but…”

“Doing the right thing isn’t always easy.”

“I promised I would train him. Maybe I could just—”

“Now you’re just searching for excuses.”

It was a long time before either of them said anything and when one did, it was Paul. “Look, why don’t you just take the weekend to decide. You said you’re taking him to his appointment on Monday? Well take him home tomorrow and don’t contact him again until then.” Paul suggested. “Use that time to think about this. Forget about what I said and what Donny said. You’re the one in this situation so think about what’s best for you and what’s best for Cam and keep in mind that you’ve made him happy.

Despite everything that has happened in his life; he’s genuinely happy and who knows; maybe this is better than the alternative; or maybe it isn’t, but you owe it to him and to yourself to give it some real thought.“ Paul said. “ You never make a decision without considering every angle so do that.“

Damion nodded. “Alright.”

“And whatever you decide, I’ve got your back, you know that.”

“Yeah.” He replied; his voice sounded hoarse. “Thanks man.”

My legs were shaking when I got up, but I had to hurry up and leave before he got up. I didn’t want him to know I’d been listening. I grabbed my camera and the keycard off the table where I left it and slipped back outside. Out in the hall I took a deep breath.

Today really was the last day we had left together. He was going to do what Paul said and once he made his decision, Monday would probably be the very last day I saw him again. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I didn’t want him to do whatever the right thing was. I didn’t care if he didn’t love me back, I just wanted to stay with him. Why couldn’t I just stay with him? Why did it have to be so hard?

I leaned against the wall and tried to take deep breaths; no more crying; especially not now when Damion was hurting. He had sounded so stressed out and it even sounded like he wanted us to stay together, but at the same time he didn’t.

I wished it could be simple. What would I go back to after Monday? I loved him too much to deal with him leaving and never seeing him again. And what about Happy? Would I never be allowed to see Happy again either? What if he missed me? What if he thought I was abandoning him?

I wiped my runny nose against my sleeve, but I didn’t let the tears fall. Today had been so perfect; the happiest day of my life. Damion woke me up with a rose and everything; just like a real boyfriend would and he smiled with his eyes all day. He didn’t even look at his phone or anything; it was just a day for me and him and it had been perfect.

Why did it feel like someone had died? Was this how it felt to get your heart broken? Or was this what it meant to be in love? I wiped the corner of my eyes with the tail of my shirt. I didn’t want this if it was going to hurt him. I didn’t like seeing him that way.

I took two deep breaths. For the first time in my life I was going to be brave. We were going to enjoy the rest of our perfect day, where I could pretend he was my boyfriend and we could pretend everything was the way it was supposed to be, but after today, he was going to make his decision and I wouldn’t try to change his mind. As long as Damion was happy then what did anything else matter?

I pushed the key card into the slot and entered the suite. “Damion?” I called out this time and I heard him answer from the other room.

When I got there he was in the bathroom washing his face. I stood in the bathroom doorway and watched him as he dried his face with the towel. “Got any good pictures?” he asked, but I noticed how he wouldn’t look at me when he asked and he brushed past me on his way out the door. I followed.

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?” I asked him and he finally glanced back at me with a smile; the shadows in his eyes were back.

“Of course.”

“Your eyes are red.” I told him and sat at the stool and watched him pull open the fridge and take out a beer.

“Probably because I’m so tired.”

I nodded slowly and turned in my seat to watch him walk to the couch and sit. For a while he just drank his beer real quiet like and I just watched him doing it.

“What’s wrong Cam?” he finally asked, and I swallowed hard and shook my head when he looked me in the eyes.

“Come here.”

I got up and went over to him and he set down his drink and pulled me down into his lap. I put my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me.

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t like seeing you sad.”

“Who says I’m sad?”

“I know you are.”

I spun the top button of his shirt between my fingers and waited for him to deny it, but he didn’t say anything.

“You didn’t say goodbye to Donny yesterday.” I said. “Not really.”

He shifted slightly forward and picked up his beer again. “We had a disagreement.”

“Are you ever going to talk to him again?”

“Of course Cam… sometimes we argue. That’s what brothers do.”

“Monte says we should never go to sleep angry.”

He swallowed some of his beer. “Well Monte’s a smart woman.”

I nodded.

“You don’t have to worry about me.” He said. “I’m fine.”

“I just want you to be happy…no matter what okay?”

He paused. “Where is this coming from Cam?”

“This is our last day and I loved it more than anything. No one’s ever made me this happy before in my whole life. I’m never going to forget it.” I told him. “I want you to know what it feels like to be this happy too, okay? So when tomorrow comes it doesn’t matter that you don’t want to keep me and it doesn’t matter if you don’t really love me, I’ll be happy if you’re happy cause you’re the best person I ever met.”

He didn’t say anything, so I continued.

“I think you’re the most honest person I ever met too.”

He was shaking his head. “It’s true. You’re nothing like Leo; he’s the worst, but Monte thinks he’s the best person in the world. She thinks he’s perfect, but he’s not; you are.”

“Cam—”

“It’s true. At least you always tell me the truth. At least I know you don’t love me so I don’t have to wonder, but Leo doesn’t love Monte and he lets her think he does and she doesn’t even know.”

“Then why don’t you tell her?”

I shook my head. “She’s happy and it’s been a really long time since she’s been happy.”

“Don’t you think she deserves to know the truth?”

“Not from me.”

“But as her friend, don’t you think you should do what’s best for her?”

“Monte’s the only person who will know what’s best for herself, not me and not anyone else; just her.”

He didn’t say anything for such a long time that I raised my head to look at him.

“It’s your decision.” He said finally.

“Nothing’s ever really my decision.” I told him truthfully and placed my head back on his shoulder.

There wasn’t much more talking after that.

……………………………………………………….

Our flight left early the next morning. I got the window seat again and I spent most of the flight looking out the window. I wondered when I’d ever get the chance to fly in a plane again. I took some pictures just in case. Beside me, Damion was busy doing work. This morning it was back to reality and even though I didn’t like it, I didn’t complain.

It was crazy how different everything felt today. I was beginning to wonder if yesterday was a dream. It had been so perfect; now Damion’s smile was gone again and by Monday he would tell me his decision and it would be the very last day I ever saw him again.

So far I was doing a good job at being brave, but when I got back to my apartment, I would lock my bedroom door and write in my journal. Monte didn’t have to know everything that happened. I wanted to hurt with it by myself so I could be strong like Damion.

I didn’t have an appetite on the flight back but, Damion made me eat; it was just too bad I couldn’t enjoy it like I did the first time. For most of the flight I looked through the pictures I’d taken and sketched in my book. Sometimes Damion would lean over to watch me shade and sometimes he’d just watch me .

“Damion?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think I can still see Happy sometimes even if this doesn’t work out?”

I didn’t know how to interpret his expression when I asked; he just looked at me weird and I was sure the answer would be no, but a long while later he said; “He’s yours if you want him.” And that was it. He turned back to his laptop and he didn’t say much else.

The problem was, I didn’t want Happy to feel like either of us was abandoning him, but the more I thought about it the quicker I realized that if it had to be one or the other, then Happy should stay with Damion. At least I had Monte; I wouldn’t be lonely. Happy could keep him company.

He held my hand when we walked through the airport. I liked how it felt to walk with him like this. The weather here was so different from in Chicago, it was like walking into a furnace, but at the same time it was good to be back home. I knew this place; I couldn’t get lost here. Things made more sense here. It didn’t take long to find his car in the parking garage and I sat in the front seat while he loaded our bags into the trunk.

“Seatbelt.” He said as soon as he got in, but we didn’t move right away. He switched on the AC and we just sat there in silence for a while. I wasn’t sure how to feel, but then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a medium-sized square box and handed it to me.

I looked at it and then at him in confusion, then very slowly, I opened it and gasped.

It was the most beautiful gold bracelet I’d ever seen. “It has my name on it.” I whispered and ran my finger over the engraving

“I made my decision.” He said and I glanced at him. “I’m going to be selfish.”

As my eyes widened in surprise, Damion started the engine and we pulled out of the lot. 

                                                              AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 16: Stitches

Chapter 16

Damion

“You know, it’s okay to take it easy every once in awhile. No one expects you to be the hero all the time.” Anna said as she changed the bandages on my wound.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Her eyes, when they met mine, were filled with real concern. “This should have almost healed by now. You need to take it easy Damion. If you keep ripping your stitches you could seriously hurt yourself.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. “

She sighed. “Donny worries about you you know.What you’re doing to yourself…it eats away at him.”

I shook my head at the absurdity of her statement “ What exactly am I doing to myself?“

She pulled off her latex gloves and discarded them in the trashcan by the bed, then she shrugged.

“You know.” She began, biting her bottom lip. “ You don’t take care of yourself.“ Then she gestured to my newly set bandages. “You’re all alone in that big house, you never let anyone get close to you, you rarely ever smile, it’s like you’re just…existing rather than living and it’s so obvious that you’re unhappy but you won’t talk to anyone. It’s not healthy.”

“Donny worries too much.” I told her simply. “And so do you. You have a beautiful baby boy coming soon, you should focus on that.” I said gently and her hand automatically rose to rest against her belly.

“Have you spoken to Cam since you got back from Chicago?”

And that was my cue to leave. I pulled her into a hug and released her just as quickly.

“Thanks for your help Anna. I appreciate it.” She reached over to pat my arm and I turned away before I could see the pity in her eyes. It was one thing I certainly didn’t need right then.

Cam

It had been three weeks since I’d made the impulsive decision to continue our arrangement.At the time I’d been so convinced I deserved to be selfish for once but it had taken me one night to come to my senses. I couldn’t be selfish at Cam’s expense. He was probably the one person in the world who didn’t deserve that. So I’d kept my distance and here I was three weeks later, unable to take a breath without thoughts of big, blue innocent eyes and shy, uncertain half smiles.

No one expects you to play the hero all the time . Ana had said. If only that were true.

I’d made some bad decisions in my life, I could admit that, but taking Cam home that first night had to have been my worst yet. He’d come into my life and fucked up my carefully crafted plans. Now I had a dog, the smell of his floral shampoo wouldn’t leave my sheets no matter how many times I washed them and I was second-guessing my self at every turn.

I glanced down at my phone when a message alert came in and shook my head.

Speak of the devil.

Jamming the phone back into my pocket, I stepped through the hospital’s automatic exit doors and squinted against the harsh glare of the afternoon sun. Two hospital staff members glanced at me briefly from where they leaned against the wall, smoking cheap cigarettes and I nodded in greeting, before crossing the lot to my car.

It had to be the hottest day of the new year so far. Not for the first time since returning to the endless heat, I found myself missing the cold Chicagoan winter. I’d always loved the city; there was just something about it that called to me; ever since I was a child. I remembered the disappointment I’d felt when Donny and I had had to move when we were only boys. Donny of course, had been relieved. Despite living there for a mere three months, he had developed a strong hatred for the place. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that we’d seen our father at his worst in those three months and it had been a welcome relief to leave that level of cruelty behind when he’d uprooted us again.

For me though, Chicago had felt strangely like home. I’d felt comfortable there; more at ease than I had throughout my entire childhood. To this day I had no idea why.

As I started the engine, I wondered briefly if I would ever move back, then dismissed the idea right away; Cam wasn’t made for Chicago winters. Then I cursed viciously at the thought; Cam held no bearing on that decision. If I chose to go of course it would be alone.

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. My eyes snapped open when another message alert came in and I pulled the device from my pocket.

It was him again of course. He sent me a picture of his journal entries everyday at 12 like clockwork ; still keeping up his end of the agreement despite the fact that it was over. I didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop.

‘I love you’ he’d said. The words shouldn’t have affected me the way they had. They were just words after all, whether or not he’d meant them. I shouldn’t have felt the grip of fear when they’d been uttered. I shouldn’t have felt that irrational moment of euphoria followed by the ridiculous need to escape. His words shouldn’t have made me a coward and they shouldn’t still be haunting me a whole three weeks after they had been uttered.

I cursed under my breath, as the image of him smiling up at me with those wide innocent eyes, popped into my head.

“Like a fucking addict” I muttered darkly. “This is ridiculous.”

Donny was right, I shouldn’t have led him on. Despite my warnings , I should have known that he would take our arrangement too seriously. I should have known how it would affect him after everything he had been through.

Selfish .

I pulled out of the lot and into the midday traffic. My flesh throbbed relentlessly under the new bandages; the pain curtesy of the dog, who had apparently decided he’d had enough and had attempted to run away the night before; narrowly escaping being hit by a car as I’d run out into the street after him and almost gotten myself killed as a result.

I’d dropped him off at the vet earlier. Who knew what narrowly escaping death could do to an animal. I glanced at the clock on my dashboard; if I picked him up now I’d be late for my meeting, but I didn’t have much of a choice. Having a dog was like having a kid, Cam had told me once and he’d been right. The dog had come with more responsibility than I’d predicted the day I’d plucked him from his furry family.

I felt like I was fighting fate trying to keep the little monster alive. If he wasn’t dodging cars late at night, he was biting the bottles of household chemicals I stored under the sink, or swallowing small objects that obviously weren’t food, or tempting me to throw him out my bedroom window every time he decided to have an hour-long howling session with the dog across the street at two in the morning.

Yes, having a dog was definitely like having a child; only, at least the child understand you on some level. Happy on the other hand, did what he wanted when he wanted with no thought of the consequences.

True to his name, he’d graduated from being a sulky puppy to a cheerful, energized fur-ball who followed me everywhere, greeted me at the door every night, refused to drink water unless it was chilled, insisted on sleeping on my bed and barked at me throughout the day unless I turned the TV to his favorite channel; the food-network ; just like Cam.

Then there was the shirt he carried around with him everywhere; always trapped between his jaws as he went from room to room; one of Cam’s shirts. He’d left it behind and Happy had taken it as his own. The one time I’d tried taking it from him, he’d growled at me.

I think it comforted him; no doubt it smelled like Cam and no doubt he missed my former Sub.It probably wasn’t fair of me to have kept them apart. Just another misdeed to add to my ever-growing list of misdeeds.

I pulled up to the vet’s fifteen minutes later and took a seat in the empty waiting room. I sent a quick text to Donny letting him know I would be late, then settled in to read Cam’s journal entry.

Dear Journal.

I miss Damion, but Monte says I should stop saying that in my journal because it will make him feel guilty. I don’t want him to feel guilty.

I don’t like working at the diner anymore. My old boss sold it to a new person and it’s not as fun anymore. Three people quit already but if I quit I won’t be able to help Monte with the rent but I don’t like it there and I think he might fire me anyway; he looks at me weird . I don’t think he likes me very much but I can’t remember doing anything wrong.

Donny hasn’t asked for his money back for the painting so I’m going to lodge the check tomorrow. It’ll be the most money I’ll ever have in my account. I bet the people at the bank will be surprised. I’m going to save it for a rainy day. I went to the park this morning. It’s a new year but it doesn’t feel different at all. Monte made New Years resolutions but I can’t think of any to make for myself. I just want to be the same person I always am and I want to do the same stuff I’ve always been doing.

Monte left Leo here and he’s knocking on my door but I’m afraid to open It. She won’t be back till night. I wish I’d stayed at the park. The highlight of my day was when a girl came up to me when I was walking to the park and gave me a rose. This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me. I put it In a cup of water. It’s on my nightstand. I’m going to do a painting of it tonight.

I frowned as I finished the entry. Something wasn’t right. I opened the next text he had sent; a picture of the rose on his nightstand, then I reread his entry. Something didn’t sit right it’s me where this Leo character was concerned. I recalled all the times Cam had mentioned him in his entries and realized that every time his name had appeared it was accompanied by some negative qualification.

Why would he be afraid to open his door for his best friend’s boyfriend? I had originally thought that Cam simply didn’t like him, but the more I thought about it the more convinced I was that there was something I was missing.

I tapped his name and put the phone to my ear. It rang without an answer. I tried again; nothing. I felt a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and stood just in time for the doctor to bring out Happy.

I waited impatiently for an update on his health and nodded at all the short pauses, while glancing at my phone. Happy was healthy and so on and so on. He would need to come in in a few weeks for his last round of injections and so on and so on. He was a beautiful puppy and so on and so on.

I was out the door and in my car a moment later. Happy sat in the backseat chewing on one of his many squeaky toys as I maneuvered the vehicle out of the lot.

…………………………………………………….

Cam

“Open the door Cam.”

I pulled my knees up to my chest and watched the door, praying he wouldn’t find a way to get in. Why did Monte have to leave him here? I just wanted him to leave me alone.

I rubbed my eyes against the sleeve of my shirt and sniffled.

“Cam this is serious. I think there’s something wrong with Monte’s cat.” He shouted, but I knew he was only trying to trick me. He wanted me to open the door so he could hurt me.

I choked back a sob and covered my ears with my hands. “It’s just lying there, not moving and I don’t think it’s breathing Cam.” He called out again.

“He’s just trying to trick me. He’s just trying to trick me.” I whispered over and over, hoping he would just go away.

“Do you really think I would lie about something like this? If anything happens to her cat, Monte will be devastated. Just help me Cam, after that you can go back to whatever it is that you’re doing.”

I raised my head. I knew he was only trying to trick me, but what if…what if there really was something wrong? What if a defenseless animal died just because I was being scared? What if Leo had done something to her?

“I called Monte already and she’s on her way, but by the time she gets here it could be too late.” His voice was soft now behind the door. He didn’t sound angry anymore. Maybe…maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe….

I stepped slowly down from the bed and listened. I could hear him breathing on the other side of my bedroom door.

“Okay, if you don’t want to come out just tell me what to do. Please.”

I wiped at the tears dripping down my face. I didn’t know what to do either. I picked up my phone. I could call the vet and ask them to come over. That way…

“I called Dr. Williamson, you know, that vet Monte uses? but he won’t be here for at least half an hour… I don’t think we have that long. Just help me.”

I took in a deep breath and inched closer and closer to the door. My hand was shaking as I reached out to touch the knob. I closed my eyes.

“Please.” I whispered and pulled open the door.

Leo looked at me in surprise, then took a single step back. I felt a wave of relief and stepped forward, then froze when I saw Monte’s cat hop up onto the coffee table, her bushy tail moving in the air. My eyes flashed to Leo’s. He was smiling.

I turned to run back into my room but he grabbed the door before I could shut it and shoved me inside. I watched in horror as he closed it behind him, trapping us both inside.

“Oh God.” I whispered, backing away from him. He watched me with a wide smile and took a step forward. I backed up until I was against my wall but he kept coming closer, looking me up and down slowly. When my phone started to ring, I jumped in fright.

Leo reached across my bed and picked it up and I watched him as he glanced at the screen and grinned. He turned the phone my way and my tears flowed harder when I realized who was calling; Damion.

“Monte told me it was over between you two.” He tucked my phone into his back pocket.

“Please.” I begged him. I knew this wasn’t going to be like all the other times. This time Monte wasn’t going to come back early. This time, he could do whatever he wanted and no one would stop him.

“Relax Cam, I’m not going to hurt you.” He said, coming closer. “As long as you do what I say, you’ll be fine.”

I could already tell this was going to hurt. He was so much bigger than me and stronger, I wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop him. He moved to stand in front of me and I turned my head away from him. I could feel his hot breath on my cheek.

I flinched when he pressed his body against me. I could feel him; he was hard.

“I…I’ll tell Monte.” I whispered, waiting for the punch that never came. Instead, he pulled away slightly and pinched my chin, pulling my face forward.

“Don’t you think she’s been through enough? I’m the only good thing she has in her life and you want to take that away from her?” He asked. “For once in your life, stop being selfish.” He spat.

I couldn’t stop the tears that were rolling down my face. “ Please just let me go. I don’t want this.“

His hand moved to my neck and I gasped when he squeezed slightly. Then he lowered his head and I felt his lips on my neck. I wanted to push him away, but what if he hit me? I didn’t want to hurt…not today…not ever again.

I was sobbing but he ignored me. I felt his hand trailing down my stomach and then it dipped into my pants. I could feel him there . He cupped me, then he squeezed..hard and I cried out and pushed against him, begging him to stop.

“Relax.” He panted and the hand at my throat only tightened.

Through all of it my phone kept ringing and finally, when he’d had enough, he pulled away from me and pulled it out of his pocket. I flinched when he threw it across the room and it smashed against the AC unit. He was distracted and it was my only chance. I shoved him away from me as hard as I could and ran, but just as I was about to fling open the bedroom door, he slammed into me and the breath whooshed from my body.

“Where do you think you’re going.” He voice sounded angry against my ear. A second later he grabbed my arm roughly and spun me around to face him, before dragging me back across the room. He threw me onto the bed, then landed on top of me before I could scramble away.

“Please…please!” I begged when he tore open my shirt roughly. His nails bruised my skin as he began pulling down my pants and I struggled to get away from him. That’s when he slapped me; a backhand across the face that made my skin sting and my eyes water. I didn’t struggle after that.

I couldn’t remember ever being so scared in my life. He was going to rape me and it was going to hurt and I couldn’t stop him. He clapped his hand roughly over my mouth. “Be quiet.”

I hadn’t realized that I’d been screaming. When he removed his hand I could taste the blood from where my teeth had grazed the inside of my lip.

When I was naked underneath him, he pulled away to look; sitting on my legs. My eyes were blurry with tears but I saw it when he smiled and I felt like I was going to throw up. This was happening, this was real.

He leaned over me and I felt his breath against my ear. “Just relax Cam. You’ll like it. I promise.” Then he pulled my arms up over my head and held them there.

“Oh God.” I whispered and clamped my eyes shut tight when he kicked my legs open. This was happening, this was real. I could feel him there; at my entrance and I cried harder.

The doorbell rang and he froze over me. My eyes snapped open and he clapped a hand over my mouth; listening.

Another ring. Neither of us moved, then the knocking started and he couldn’t ignore it any longer. “You stay here. He said harshly. “You make a sound and you’ll regret it. You hear me?”

He hit me when I only stared and I nodded quickly, praying he would stop; needing this to end. I scooted up to the headboard when he jumped off me and I watched him cross the room and gather his clothes; I didn’t even know when he’d taken them off.

I prayed it was Monte at the door. Maybe she’d forgotten her keys. I looked toward the door. I could get up and lock it just like before, but I couldn’t move. It was like I was frozen in fear. He could break it down or find a way to pick the lock, then he’d be even more mad…that’s when it would hurt the most.

I wrapped my arms around my legs and cried.

……………………………………………………………..

Damion

I looked down at the man who had answered the door. He wore a plastic smile and crushed clothes. His forehead was sweaty as if he’d been exercising, his hair was sticking out in every direction and I noted the deep scratch across his cheek. Despite his disheveled appearance, he was handsome. His face was clean shaven, he was about half a head shorter than me and clearly irritated.

“Can I help you?” He asked, sounding out of breath.

“I’m here to see Cam.”

His plastic smile tightened and his eyes darted quickly to the left and back as he said; “He isn’t here at the moment.”

I regarded him carefully. “Any idea where he is?”

He shrugged, but even that seemed to take quite a bit of effort. “Last I heard, he was going to the park. Haven’t seen him all day.”

“Is that so?”

He nodded. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude but, I’m a bit busy, so maybe you can come back another time.” Then he pause. “Or I’ll just tell him you stopped by. Damion right?”

I nodded. “That’s right.”

“Okay…well I’ll relay the message when he gets here then.” He stepped back and I braced my hand against the door before he could close it. His eyes widened in surprise.

I smiled. “I just have one problem with that.” I began and noted how his eyes once again darted to the side. “Cam texted me about ten minutes ago and told me he was home, so unless this place is the size of a mansion, I just have a hard time believing you could have missed him when he got home.

He chuckled nervously. “You’re right, I definitely wouldn’t have missed him, which means he’s not here.” He shifted from foot to foot. “Look, maybe he lied because he just doesn’t want to see you. He told me it ended badly between you two so maybe he just wants some distance.”

I took special note of the way he kept licking his lips, how his hands fidgeted at his side and how he couldn’t seem to stand still. I catalogued the new beads of sweat that hand formed on his forehead and how his breath shook ever so slightly when he exhaled. Then I considered once again the very recent scratch on his face and a matching one along his forearm.

“What is it you said you were up to?” I asked and he licked his lips.

“Just…watching a baseball game… and I’m missing everything so if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to that.”

I cocked my head to the side. I didn’t hear the sound of the TV playing inside. I raised a brow. “A baseball game huh? Who’s playing? Maybe I could watch with you until Cam gets here.”

He shook his head. “Look I just..don’t think its appropriate right now okay? I’ll let him know you stopped by as soon as I see him and maybe he’ll give you a call.” He moved to close the door again and this time I wedged a foot between the door and the frame.

“Where is he and why isn’t he answering his phone?” I asked him.

His eyes narrowed in anger. “Maybe because he doesn’t want to talk to you.” He growled. Quick temper I noted, then shoved him forward and stepped into the room.

I grabbed his wrist and squeezed when he reached over to grab my shoulder and he cried out then cradled it against his chest when I released him. “I’m calling the police!” He shouted. “You’ve got no right to be here!”

I ignored him. He’d been lying to me from the moment he opened the door. For whatever reason Cam was afraid of him and if he’d had to lock himself in his bedroom, then it must be serious, though that didn’t account for the fact that he wasn’t answering his phone.

“Hey you can’t go in there!” Leo screamed, but he kept his distance. “I told you Cam’s at the park and he likes his privacy, you can’t just—”

I knocked on the door to Cam’s room and when I heard no reply, I turned the knob and pushed it open. I was horrified at the sight before me. Cam sat naked, huddled and shaking against his headboard, his arms wrapped around his knees and his face badly bruised. He was crying; tears forming steady tracks as they slid down his face. His expressive eyes were red and wide with fright. As I stepped closer I saw the bruises that were forming on his wrist and around his neck.

“Cam?” I said softly, approaching him slowly, but his eyes were focused on Leo, who stood in the doorway, watching Cam with narrowed eyes. I stood directly in his path, blocking him from sight and Cam blinked up at me.

When he realized who stood before him, his face crumpled and he let out a sob. I stepped closer and he launched himself into my arms, clinging to me as if for dear life. He sobbed against my neck, wrapping his legs tightly around my waist as if he feared I would let him go. I ran my hand slowly up and down his bare back, trying to soothe him and turned to face the culprit who still stood in the door frame.

I noted Cam’s torn shirt on the floor, his discarded pants which had been strewn carelessly across the room and the overturned cup that once held the rose on his nightstand. The once vibrant flower, lay crushed on the floor, it’s petals trampled. It was clear what had happened here and it took everything in me not to cross the room and ring the slimy bastard’s little neck.

“He held up his hands defensively. “Look, I don’t know what happened here. I could have sworn he was out… I didn’t—”

He fell silent as I watched him with ill-contained rage. I glanced around the room and picked up the blanket which had pooled onto the floor by the bed and draped it over Cam, covering his nakedness as I crossed the room with him. He still clung to me as I exited the house and his sobbing never let up. I sat with him in the passenger seat of my car and Happy barked when he saw who it was, but Cam was in no condition to acknowledge him. Instead, he sat curled in my lap, clinging to me as he trembled and cried. I spoke to him softly.

“My sweet boy. I’m here now. Shhh.” I patted the back of his head and his back. “He can’t hurt you anymore, I’m here.” And so I spoke to him, until his tears subsided and he fell asleep against me.

I pulled my cell from my pocket, all the while watching for any activity from the house. I dialed my contact at the police station and waited for them to arrive. Leo didn’t run, which surprised me and I sat with the sleeping Cam in my arms until the police came.

I left Cam in the car while I gave my statement to the frowning cop and watched with clenched fists as Leo was cuffed and read his rights. They asked to speak with Cam, but settled for waiting until he had been seen to at the hospital.

I called Anna on the way and explained to her what had happened and a room and bed was waiting for him as soon as we arrived. I waited outside his door as she checked him over. He had been near hysterical when he’d woken but had calmed down once he’d been given a mild sedative.

He was awake now and Anna was treating his bruises. I could hear her voice as she spoke to him, but I couldn’t tell if he replied. He hadn’t spoken since I’d plucked him naked and beaten from his bed; not even to me.

A female police officer went in as soon as Anna came out. Her eyes were wide with worry as she approached me. “He’s going to be okay.” She told me. “Just a few bruises an scrapes. He got the worst of it in his face. The swelling will get worse and he’ll bruise badly but physically he’s going to be okay.”

I nodded, my eyes on the locked hospital door. “Was he…” I trailed off, unable to say the words but she seemed to know what I meant and I was relieved when she shook her head.

“ There were no signs of penetration.“ She teared up as she spoke. “Jesus Damion, how did this happen?”

I took a deep breath and recounted the tale from the moment I received his journal entry. The journey to Cam’s place had been a blur. I just remembered my worry and that niggling sense that something was wrong. The image of the slimy bastard made my blood boil but it was the sight of Cam, bruised, terrified and shaking in his bed that would haunt me forever.

What if I had been a few minutes late? What if I hadn’t read his text at all? All these thoughts and more swirled around in my head. It sickened me. If I had read is text just a few minutes earlier I could probably have prevented it all from happening. If I hadn’t ended our arrangement like the coward I was, he wouldn’t have been in that house at all.

“Damion.”

I turned at the sound of my name. It was Paul, walking quickly down the hallway with Tate not far behind him. They both looked worried; Tate’s eyes were rimmed red as he stared unseeingly at the room where Cam lay speaking with the officer. For the news to have affected him this much and he’d only known Cam for a very brief moment spoke to the hold Cam had over those around him.

Paul dropped a hand on my shoulder and squeezed briefly before letting go. “How’s he doing?”

“He’s pretty messed up, but nothing too serious..physically anyway.” I sighed, running a had through my hair.

“Jesus.“Paul continued. “The kid can’t catch a break.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Tate asked, a tremor in his voice.

I shook my head. “Donny went to pick up some of his clothes and he’s keeping Happy until we leave.”

“We can arrange to have him stay here overnight.” Anna pitched in but I shook my head.

“I’m taking him home with me. He’ll be more comfortable there.”

“Has he said anything since…?” Paul continued.

I frowned. “ No, not a word.“

Anna touched my arm. “He’s been through a traumatic experience. Just give him time.”

I nodded.

We all looked up when the officer exited the room. She nodded but said nothing and I watched her make her way down the hallway. We would no doubt be hearing from her later on today, but for right now, Cam needed me. I broke away from the group and knocked briefly on the room door before entering. Cam looked up when I entered. He sat on the bed, his legs dangling over the edge and his hospital gown sliding off his shoulder.

“Hey you.” I greeted him softly as I kneeled on the floor beside his legs; not wanting to tower over him and potentially make him uncomfortable.

“Hi.” He uttered just as softly and I was grateful to hear it. He didn’t meet my gaze, but reached up slowly and with a shaking hand, to touch my hair. I watched him squeezed a lock between his thumb and forefinger before letting it drop. “ Your hair is longer.“ He whispered and I smiled.

“Yeah. I’m overdue for a haircut.” I told him.

“I like it.” He said simply and I took his hand in mine. I felt so small. He felt fragile and soft.

“Then I’ll leave it as it is.”

He looked down at our joined hands but he said nothing. His face was looking much worse than it had been earlier. His left eye was almost swollen shut. When he noticed me staring he pulled his hand from mine.

“I was making too much noise.” He explained away the bruising. “And then I didn’t answer fast enough.”

I gritted my teeth. “You don’t have to worry about him. He’ll never get the chance to hurt you again. I promise.”

He didn’t respond and I wondered if it was because he didn’t believe me.

“I want you to come stay at my house for awhile. Is that okay?”

He looked up at me in surprise but nodded. “I missed Happy.” He said “and…you.”

I nodded.

He teared up then, and I watched them fall but there was no sobbing. He was silent. “Donny went to pick up some of your clothes. He’ll get your journal and sketch book too.” I assured him.

“I can’t tell Monte.” He whispered.

“I’ll deal with Monte. You just focus on getting better okay?”

He nodded after a brief pause.

“Tate and Paul are outside. They came to see how you’re doing.”

He glanced towards the door and bit his lip. “You don’t have to see anyone right now. Whenever you’re ready.”

“I just wanna go home and see Happy.” He confided and I nodded, then stood. I reached over to touch his shoulder and froze when he flinched. I let my arms drop to my side., reminding myself that this was normal after what he’d been through.

“I’ll be right back.” I told him.

Out in the hallway, the others watched my approach warily. “He’s talking.“I told them and Tate’s relief was obvious.

“ Can we see him?“ He asked, already taking a step toward the door, but he stopped when I shook my head. “I don’t think he’s up to seeing anyone yet. He says he wants to go home and see Happy.” I managed a small smile and Paul nodded in understanding.

“Are you taking him now then?” He asked and I nodded.

“As soon as Anna gives the okay.”

“You can take him and of course you know you can call me if you have any questions.”

“Thanks for everything Anna.” I pulled her into a hug.

“Here.” Tate handed me bouquet of flowers I hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “It’s for Cam.” He explained.

“I’ll tell him.”

I waited until they all dispersed to take Cam home. He walked stiffly and I imagined it had to do with his bruised member; Anna had gone into further detail regarding the extensiveness of his injuries. My anger continued to grow just thinking about it.

He was quiet on the way home and said nothing to Donny when we arrived home and saw him parked outside. I got the impression he was embarrassed by what had transpired and Donny understood.

Happy followed him up the stairs, as slowly as his ascent was, and for the first time ever, he didn’t bark in impatience. It was as though he sensed Cam was injured and needed our support.

I had planned to put him in the guest room but Cam went straight up to my bedroom and I let him. He crawled slowly into bed and pulled the sheets up to his neck.

He didn’t want food or water and once he had Happy nestled securely in his arms he fell asleep. I pulled up the door behind me and picked up the cloth that was lying in the middle of the hallway; it was Cam’s old shirt; the one Happy carried everywhere. I looked toward the closed room door. Who needed a reminder when you had the real thing?

I dropped it onto the lid of the washer on my way down the stairs and collected Cam’s bags from Donny. “He’s asleep.” I told my brother and he nodded.

“I’m glad you got there in time.” He told me. I shook my head.

“I wish I’d gotten there sooner.” I paused. “You should have seen him Donny, he was terrified. If…” I shook my head. “ I could have killed that asshole.“

“I hope he rots in jail.” He said, then, “Cam will have to testify if this goes to trial.”

“I don’t know if he’ll be up for that.”

“He’ll have to be. That bastard doesn’t deserve to go free after what he did.”

“Right now I just need to get him past this.”

“Well you know I’m here if you need anything.“he said. “Anything at all.”

“Yeah of course and tell Anna thanks again. She’s going to have that baby any day now, she should be at home resting, not doing rounds at the hospital, but I’m glad it was her..I think maybe it was easier for Cam that it was her.”

“Maybe.“Donny grinned, then turned to go. “I’ll pass on your message but you should take it easy too.” He gestured to my torso. “I heard you ripped open your stitches again.” He paused as though he wanted to say a lot more, but all he said was; “Just be careful.”

“Will do.”

………………………..

When he was gone I started on dinner. I figured Cam wouldn’t have much of an appetite for awhile so soup was probably my best bet. While it simmered, I cleaned up a bit. I hadn’t had the time in the last few days but I wanted him to feel comfortable. I finally threw Happy’s favorite shirt into the machine along with a few other toys he’d been too territorial over to let me touch and straightened up as much as I could.

By the time I’d finished and grabbed a shower, dinner was ready. I poured some into a bowl, set it on a tray and made my way upstairs. It was still early in the evening but he’d told me earlier that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

I set it down on the night stand and watched him. I realized then that what he needed was a protector. For whatever reason, he’d been dealt a bad hand in life and he needed someone to watch out for him. He needed someone to shield him from the worst life had to offer, otherwise he would suffer, more so than he had already.

Monte couldn’t protect him. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if Monte wasn’t also a culprit in all this. Who was to say she didn’t know what had been going on and turned a blind eye? Who was to say she didn’t play an even greater role in all this madness? Until I got to the bottom of it, I didn’t want her anywhere near him.

I reached down and gently shook him awake.

“You should eat something.” I told him as he sat up. Happy scrambled quickly into his lap and I picked him up, placed him on the floor and deposited the soup in his place.

“Thank you.” He said, then after a moment he looked at me. “I’m not feeling hungry.”

“You haven’t eaten all day.” He glanced at the window. When he’d gone to bed, it had been early evening and the sky had been bright and promising. Since then the sun had set.

He had a few spoonfuls before replacing the tray onto the night stand.

“The flowers are yours.” I told him, gesturing to the bouquet I’d placed in a vase beside the television. “They’re from Tate.” I told him and he smiled for the first time.

Happy whined at my feet and I returned him to his rightful place by Cam’s side.

“How come you came to my house?” His question was softly spoken; his eyes wide and vulnerable.

“I read your journal entry. Something didn’t sit well with me and when you didn’t answer your phone I decided to stop by.”

“Thank you.” He said simply.

“I’m here to talk whenever you’re ready.”

He changed the subject. “I have to tell my boss I can’t come in tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to him for you.”

“He’s not gonna like it.” He said. “He’s new and he doesn’t like it when people slack off.”

“I’ll handle it.”

He nodded, then frowned. “Are you okay?”

My brows furrowed. “Of course. Why do you ask?”

His frown deepened into a pout. “ Because you keep rubbing your abdomen. I thought you would have healed by now.“

I hadn’t even realized what I’d been doing. I dropped my hand to my side. “I had a minor mishap last night, but I’ll be fine.”

Happy looked at me as if he understood that the minor mishap was him and he was waiting for me to rat him out.

“You said you were going to be careful.“he continued; his eyes tinged with real concern. He had just been through a traumatic ordeal and he was wasting time worrying about something as trivial as my injury.

I smiled. “What can I say, I didn’t have Dr. Cameron here to take care of me.”

It was meant to be lighthearted but he took it to heart. “I would have come if I’d known you needed me but Tate never said you were still hurt. He said you were okay.”

I raised a brow. “You’ve been talking to Tate?”

He nodded. “We have lunch together sometimes. He’s really nice to me.”

Which would explain Tate’s reaction to his ordeal. It seemed the two of them had become close. “That’s…good.”

Cam nodded in agreement but he was still frowning. “He said you were okay.”

“And I am. Trust me.” I said and he fell silent. I watched for awhile as he turned his attention to Happy; patting his head and scratching his belly when he rolled onto his back. All the while Happy yipped him playfully.

He glanced my way when I moved to pick up his tray and I handed him the remote I had snatched off the nightstand. “I’ll be staying in the blue room tonight.” I told him. “ Let me know if you need anything alright?“

He nodded; expression unreadable. I turned to go but I could feel his eyes on me right up until I closed the door behind me.

…………………………………..

I wasn’t particularly surprised when Monte showed up on my doorstep the next morning. I leaned against the door framenwith my arms crossed before me and regarded her in silence.

“Can you tell me if he’s okay at least? I found his phone.“she sniffled. “It was in pieces. I just..I just don’t understand.”

“Your boyfriend tried to rape him. I don’t know that there’s much that’s difficult to understand.”

I found that I couldn’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Cam had been hurt and perhaps I was being irrational, but I felt like she should have known what was happening right under her nose. She claimed to love him and I had seen how overprotective she was of him when I had met her during the Christmas holidays so where had that protective mother hen been when Cam had needed her? Why had she failed to see the signs? More importantly, did she really care about him or was this all an act?

I had been observing her for the past ten minutes that she had stood on my front porch, begging to see her friend and by all accounts, she seemed to be genuinely distressed, but there was no way to be sure. “He’s not okay, but he will be.” I told her.

“Then why won’t you let me just talk to him? Why are you keeping him prisoner?” Her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“I’m keeping him safe.” I said simply and her watery eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Safe from me? Do you honestly think I could ever hurt him? He’s my family!”

“Were you aware that he was terrified of Leo? Didn’t you ever notice that in all the months you invited him over?”

Her lips trembled. “If I’d known I would never…” she trailed off and took a deep breath. “How badly is he hurt?”

“Physically , he’ll be fully healed in a few weeks. Mentally… I trailed off and she nodded slowly.

“I’ll talk to Cam.” I told her and her eyes turned hopeful. “If he says he wants to talk to you I’ll give you a call and you can come see him. Otherwise, I’ll keep you updated.”

She nodded again, then tried to look past me into the house. “Tell him…tell him I’m sorry and tell him I love him…please.”

“I will.”

She stood there a moment later, looking as though she would burst into tears right there on my porch but she held it together; back straight, chin high. I waited until she left before I turned to go inside.

Cam and Happy were in the backyard. I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and went to join them. He was sitting on one of the lounge chairs in the shade, watching Happy as he paddled in the shallow end of the pool. He’d learned a great deal since Cam had seen him and seemed keen to show off.

Cam looked up at me as I approached and took the bottle I offered with a quietly spoken thanks. He’d been quiet this morning, refusing to look me in the eyes and trying desperately to keep his face averted from my gaze, as tough the extensive bruising on his face could be hidden.

I took a seat next to him and uncorked my bottle.

“Was that Donny at the door?” He asked shyly after brief hesitation.

I tipped the bottle to my head and took a deep swig of the cool liquid. It was refreshing on such a hot day.

“No.” I said, setting the bottle aside. “It was no one.”

He nodded slowly, then settled more comfortably in the chair, his legs drawn up to his chest and his chin resting against knees as he watched Happy splash around in the mid-morning sun.

                                                                                        AUTHOR’S NOTES

It’s been about two centuries but here you go. Forgive me.

Thank you all for reading. I appreciate it.

Keep Sweet!

-DoUbLe.A -unedited

Chapter 17: Can We Stay Here?

Chapter 17

I hadn’t thought it possible, but Cam had gotten smaller in the three weeks since I’d last seen him. Not only was he bone thin, but his once tanned skin was almost as pale as the thin sheet he had wrapped around his legs as he lounged in his seat by the pool. Had he been sick recently? When was the last time he’d had a proper meal?

These thoughts and more swirled around in my head and added to my guilt. My gaze continued to travel over his body, which was riddled with bruises that had no place being there. I should have seen it coming. After all, the signs had been there, documented in his delicate writing on the pages of his journal. Last night, while he slept, I had flipped through it and found all the evidence of his distress; right there as plain as day, but I had been too blinded my my own selfish thoughts and too caught up in my own world to see it.

He had been terrified of the bastard and I hadn’t been there to help him deal with it; instead, I had removed myself from his life. Once again, I was learning that the consequences of my actions were severe when I failed to think things through. Had I done so, I would have realized that it hadn’t truly been in his best interest.

Cam had little to no self esteem. No matter how many times I had drilled it into his head, he still believed that if he was hurt by someone else, he was the one at fault. In Chicago, in his desperation to convince me to ‘keep him,’ he had listed all the things he would do in return; which came down to whatever the hell I wanted him to.

The way he determined if a person could be trusted was if they were nice to him, and every other sentence out of his mouth began with ’Master Drake says,“ which only proved that he was still brainwashed by the asshole.

All these signs before me and still, for whatever fucked up reason, I had convinced myself that cutting him loose had been in his best interest. How did that even make sense? Of course, being with him increased the risk if him growing even more attached to me. This meant that when it came time for our arrangement to end, it would hurt him, but surely that paled in comparison to what would no doubt happen if I were to cut off all ties now while he was as damaged as he was.

I imagined the next bad relationship he would find himself in just because I hadn’t taken the time to teach him about the lifestyle, just because I hadn’t been patient enough to help him learn his self worth. Why hadn’t any of this entered my mind before?

The answer of course was clear; I had been too afraid of what it it would mean to have him fall in love with me.

Before I’d met Cam, every move I had made had been carefully calculated, so that once a decision had been made, I could never be swayed from it. Now though, I was as impulsive as a teenager, my mind changed with the wind and my once organized thoughts were constantly in a state of disarray.

It was damn time I got my head on straight.

“Will you tell me about Leo?” I asked him then, and he tore his gaze away from Happy, who was paddling around in the shallow end of the pool, and met my gaze for a moment, before his eyes once again skittered away.

“He’s Monte’s boyfriend. She loved him and they’ve been together for about four months now. That’s the longest she’s ever had a boyfriend.” He explained, while picking at the lint on the sheet.

“Did you think he was a good person?” I asked and he nodded.

“He is a good person. He makes Monte happy.”

I turned my eyes heavenward in incredulity. “Cam,” I began gently, “no one who tries to hurt someone else is a good person. Leo deserves to be behind bars for what he’s done. You understand that, don’t you?”

He bit the inside of his lip, eyes still turned toward his sheet, and shrugged. This was going to be harder than I thought.

“What if he had done this to Monte. Do you still think he’d be a good person then?”

His eyes flashed to mine. “Leo would never hurt Monte. He takes care of her.”

“What makes you so sure? If he could hurt you, then I promise you he has it in him to hurt her too.” I reached across to touch his shoulder and when he flinched away, I pulled back.

He turned his face away from me, but not before I had seen the trembling lips and the first trickle or tears down his face. I wanted to hold him; to offer him the comfort he needed, and it was frustrating that I was forced to hold back.

Patience.

I told myself that the situation was a delicate one and that I had to take my time with him, so I allowed him his time to grieve and simply sat and waited for his tears to subside; hoping that my proximity at least, would bring him some level of comfort.

It was Happy who offered him the soothing balm he needed however, when he bounded over to us and shook the water from his fur. Cam couldn’t help but the laugh at his antics and I watched with a smile, as he picked up the wet dog and deposited him into his lap. I handed him napkin to dry his eyes and he took it with a mumbled thank you.

“He missed you.” I told him and Cam glanced my way. “You left one of your shirts here and he took possession of it. He drags the thing everywhere he goes.” I told him with a chuckle, and his answering smile was wide and satisfying.

“I missed him too.” He ran his hand up and down Happy’s damp fur, and the dog soaked up every ounce of attention he was getting.

I took the opportunity to really look at him while he was preoccupied, and I noticed the difference I hadn’t before; like the fact that he had cut his hair a bit shorter than he was used to wearing and how very faint traces of hair had begun to grow out on his chin. I smiled; he was a late bloomer through and through and it only added to his charm.

I realized then that I had missed him and all his little quirks. It was good to have him there in my home, where somehow, it felt like he belonged. My eyes continued to roam and I didn’t fail to notice the bracelet he wore on his hand. I had all but forgotten that I had given it to him weeks before. His name, which was engraved on the face of it, glinted in the sunlight. Looking at it now, made me recall decisions I had made and situations that I should have handled differently leading up to the day I had given it to him.

It was time to make things right.

Outside of his obvious beauty, perhaps one of the first things you would notice when looking at him was how small and fragile he appeared, but it occurred to me, that despite his lack of physical prowess, he was pretty damn strong; he had to be to have gone through the things he had and still come out smiling.

I reached out unconsciously to touch his hair and froze when he glanced up and noticed. He didn’t flinch away this time, but I pulled back. “Sorry.” I said, then watched in surprise as he reached out a hand to grasp my own.

I looked down at our joined hands, thinking how small and frail his looked in mine. This thought brought with it, the unwelcome image of Leo, and in that moment I wished I could walk into that jail cell and give him a taste of his own fucking medicine.

“Thanks for coming to get me.” Cam’s softly spoken words interrupted my silent brooding, and I kissed the back of his hand. His blush could just be seen under the dark bruising on his face.

“I wish I’d come sooner.” I told him honestly, and he took a deep breath and released it slowly. I watched in awe as the tension melted from his small frame and he settled back into his seat. I noted that he didn’t pull away, but continued to watch our joined hands, seemingly deep in thought.

“I haven’t been fair to you.” I began after a few minutes of silence had passed, and he glance up. His left eye, which was still almost swollen shut, gave me pause.

In that moment he reminded me so much of Donny when we were younger and my dad had had one of his episodes. I remember how I felt back then, nursing my brother’s injuries and wishing I could just wave a magic wand and heal him instantaneously.

“We had an arrangement and without giving you any real heads up, I ended it.”

Cam shrugged. “It’s okay. I think maybe I kinda understand how you were feeling.”

I shook my head. “I never use to be like this you know.” I told him. “There was a time when I used to make a decision and stick to it, but recently I’ve been flipping and flopping all over the place haven’t I?”

He smiled. “Like a pancake.” He said and I laughed. “I’m like that too all the time though. It’s hard making decisions ’cause sometimes you just don’t know what’ll happen.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “but it’s important that when we make decisions that affect other people, we stick by them.”

“But what if they’re bad decisions?” he asked in earnest and I looked again at our joined hands and then back at his face with a smile.

“Then it’s only right that it be discussed with the affected party.” I said. “Three weeks ago I made a bad decision. I was hoping we could talk about it when you’re better.”

His brows furrowed slightly. “Is it okay if we talk about it now?”

It didn’t seem like the best time to have a serious discussion, but Cam rarely asked for anything and after his ordeal, I couldn’t deny him anything, so I nodded and after a few moments had passed, I began.

“I’ve never had the luxury of being selfish growing up, so it was pretty new to me when we were in Chicago and I found myself battling with wanting to be selfish and doing what I thought was best for you.” I said. “If I chose to be selfish then we could continue our arrangement without any emotional entanglements on my part, just the way I wanted it, but there was always that risk that you’d be hurt if you got attached.”

“I was okay with that though.” He mumbled, eyes once again on Happy.

“I know, but I also had to consider what I thought was best for you, which would be to let you go before you got even more attached.” I ran my thumb over the back of his hand. “At first, I chose to be selfish and it didn’t feel right, so I broke it off, but it turns out both of those options were selfish anyway and the only person who ended up with the unfair deal in all this is you.”

“Monte says people should always try to do what makes them happy.”

“And what would make you happy Cam?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. A lot of things I guess.”

“Last night I sat down and I thought everything through,” I began, “and I still want to help you in whatever way I can, and yes, it would make me happy to do that.” I said with a grin, which he returned hesitantly. “What do you think about us starting over?”

He bit his lip. “Starting over?”

“Yes. After we met, I think we jumped the gun without really getting to know and understand each other.” I said. “So how about we start over? I want to understand where you’re coming from, how you feel and what you want, and this time we’ll lay out all our expectations on the table from the beginning. What do you think?”

“Okay.” His smile again was hesitant but sincere. “Um… what are your expectations?”

“Ultimately, I’d like for us to develop a friendship where we’re comfortable with each other and where we can trust each other. If you’re really serious about the BDSM lifestyle then I need to know why and I’d like to help you transition into it safely.”

He perked up at that and I felt his small hand tighten in mine. “You’ll still train me?”

“If that’s what you want, but this time we would focus on the theoretical aspect of it.” I was quick to add. “I’d like to take you to my club and you can observe and talk to some of the Subs there and—”

“No sex you mean.” He surmised, pulling his hand slowly from my grasp.

I couldn’t decipher his expression. “I want you to be comfortable.” I said, and when he offered no reply, I continued. “I’d also like for you to continue your therapy sessions and making your journal entries.”

“Okay.”

I glanced at the now sleeping dog in his lap and then back at his face. “We can discuss it if you have a problem with anything, and of course I’d like to hear your own expectations.”

He ran a finger over the small cut on his lip, before taking a deep breath. “Will I get to see you a lot?” he asked.

“Do you want to?” I asked and he nodded, his big blue eyes meeting mine.

It was the perfect opportunity to bring up something I had been contemplating since the night before. I no longer felt comfortable with him living with Monte, especially if Leo were to get bail and in any case, it would be easier to keep him safe if he were to stay with me.

“Would you consider staying here for awhile?”

His eyes widened. “You mean here with you and Happy?” he questioned and I nodded. “For how long?”

“For as long as you want. I’m sure Happy wouldn’t mind having you around and…” I trailed off because despite everything he’d been through just he day before, he was beaming at me as though he had gotten the best news in the world.

“I’d like to stay here.” He frowned. “I—I should talk to Monte about…everything.”

“She came earlier.” I confessed.

“She did?”

“I told her I’d talk to you first and when you were ready to discuss what happened I’d let her know.”

He nodded. “Did she look upset?”

“She looked concerned.” I told him, even though I had yet to determine if it was all simply an act. I needed to sit down with her and discuss it all before she saw Cam, just to be sure. It was time everyone in his life stopped screwing him over; it was time for his needs to be put first.

“Maybe tomorrow then…or the day after maybe.”

“Whatever you want. You can take your time.”

He stuck his foot out from under the sheet and wriggled his toes in the warm sunlight. “I really like it here.” He said simply. “Damion?”

“Yeah?”

He began the pick at the lint of his sheet again. “What happens if I tell you my expectations?”

“Then we’ll talk about it and if you don’t agree with any of mine then we’ll talk about that too.”

“I’m okay with all of yours.” He said and the ‘lint picking’ continued. “except maybe I was wondering if maybe we could still have sex…if you want I mean.”

He still wouldn’t look at me, but his faint blush said it all. “I thought you wouldn’t be comfortable with it after everything that’s happened and I just want to help you Cam, you don’t need to—”

“I’m comfortable if its you.” He interrupted.

“Is this something you actually want or are you saying this because you think it’s something I want?”

“Do you want to?” he asked, finally meeting my gaze, but I still couldn’t figure out if he wanted it for him or if he wanted it for me and that was the challenge when it came to Cam. He was always trying to please other people when he should be thinking of himself.

“Forget about me for a second.” I told him. “Is this something you actually want?”

“Yes it is…is—is that okay?”

I smiled. “It is.” Though I found myself wondering if It was a good idea.

He reached up hesitantly to touch the lock of hair which had fallen over my face. “I like your hair like this.” Came his soft comment. “You look different with longer hair.” He squeezed the lock between his thumb and forefinger before releasing it and dropping his hand back to Happy’s fur.

“Thanks.” I said, somewhat thrown by his abrupt change of subject.

“I had to cut mine because I was in the kitchen at work and it accidentally got singed and I still don’t know what happened, but it looked weird so I had to cut it, so it that’s why it’s shorter.” He confessed and I could only watch him in horror.

“Were you burned anywhere?” I asked, closely inspecting the parts of his skin that weren’t covered by his clothing.

“No, just my hair.”

I shook my head. He was the most accident prone person I had ever known. “I thought you only served the meals. Why were you in the kitchen?”

“My new boss doesn’t like me very much I think. I told him I’m not good at cooking stuff but he made me go anyway. I don’t know why he doesn’t like me. I’m trying really hard.” He said, then reached up to touch his hair. “It’s growing back now though and it wasn’t burnt that bad or anything.”

I was coming to realize that the kid needed constant supervision if he had any hope of making it to a ripe old age with all his body parts intact. It worried me.

“There’s an opening at my restaurant for a waiter.” I said then. “It’s yours if you want it.”

“You want to give me a job?” he asked in surprise, and I nodded. “I think you’d be perfect for it.”

“This is all because of Leo.” He said and I shook my head.

“This is all because of you . You deserve every good thing that comes your way.”

“But I’ve never worked at a five-star restaurant before. What if I mess up?”

“Then you mess up,” I said, “and then you’ll learn. That’s just the way life works.”

“Wow.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe so many things are happening. I feel like I’m dreaming.” Then he smiled up at me, looking shy but happy, and I felt a strange sensation build in my chest.

We both glanced up when we heard the chiming of the door bell, and when I stood to go inside, he deposited the sleeping puppy on the chair beside him and followed.

“It’s Donny.” I told him when I glance through the front door’s peep hole. He stood a short distance away, wrapped in the sheet from neck to toes.

“Can I go upstairs?” he asked, glancing between me and the door.

“Of course. Do you want me to help you?”

He shook his head and I watched with a frown as he began his slow and stiff assent up the staircase; the tail end of his sheet, sweeping the floor behind him as he went.

I waited until I heard the bedroom door close moments later, before I pulled open the front door and welcomed my brother in. In his arms, he carried four large dinner containers which were no doubt stuffed with Anna’s amazing cooking.

He deposited them on the kitchen counter, then sent me to his car to grab the homemade fruit juices that Anna had also sent over. When I reentered the kitchen, he was sitting on one of the stools, with his elbows resting on the counter and his chin propped in his hands.

“Tell Anna thanks for the food.” I said and he nodded, then glanced around the room.

“How is he?”

“As well as can be expected in the circumstances I guess.”

He nodded. “Has he said anything about what happened?”

“I tried to talk to him about it earlier, but I think he needs more time to process, you know. What he went through was traumatic.”

“He just can’t seem to catch a break can he?” Donny commented with a sigh. “I hope that bastard rots. When’s his bail hearing?”

I pulled open one of the containers to have a look inside, before resealing the lid and setting it aside. “Monday.” I replied. “ I asked Cam to stay here with me. I’m going to run over to his place and get the rest of his stuff tomorrow. I want him here where I can watch out for him.“

“You should stay with him tomorrow. I’ll go.” He said, then took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I shouldn’t have convinced you to cut him loose in Chicago. I feel guilty as fuck now.”

I shrugged. “I made the decision at the end of the day and we both thought it was in his best interest. “Now I know better.”

“Yeah.” He said glancing at the staircase when we heard the sound of the television.

“I offered him a job at the restaurant.” I told him and he looked at me.

“What position?”

“Waiter. I told him we had a position open. You think you can make room for one more?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll have everything prepared for him when he’s ready.” He said, then; “We should get him a lawyer.”

I nodded. “I’ve been thinking about calling Dante but I don’t think Cam will be up for a trial to be honest.”

“It’ll be months at least before we get to that stage. He’ll be fine.”

“No. After everything that’s happened, he’s convinced that the bastard’s a good guy and it’s Cam we’re talking about here…Leo’s lawyer’s not going to baby him up there on the stand, and I don’t know that he can handle it.”

“He’ll have time. We’ll make sure he’s prepared. There’s no way that asshole’s walking away from this.”

We sat in silence for a while after that, each lost in our own thoughts, before he finally stood.

“Let me know when he’s up for visitors and I’ll bring Anna by.” He said and I followed him to the door.

“Tell her I said thanks again.”

He nodded. “Go take care of the kid.”

After he had left, I whistled for Happy, who came bounding into the room seconds later, and together we made our way up the stairs. As soon as we entered the bedroom, the retched dog began to bark, so I lifted him off the ground and deposited him onto the empty bed just as I heard the shattering of glass in the bathroom. I went over to the door and knocked.

“Cam, everything alright in there?” I called, and was greeted by silence. “Cam?” I called again, but couldn’t make out his muffled response, so I pushed the door open just in time to see him straighten up and quickly hide his two hands behind his back.

He stood naked in the center of the bathroom, watching me with wide eyes.

“Everything alright?” I asked him and he nodded. I glanced at the floors in search of the item that had shattered, but there was nothing there. “Are you sure?”

He nodded and despite his suspicious behavior, I would have left him there in privacy, but just as I turned to go, I spotted the tiny drops of blood behind him on the cream rug.

I frowned and stepped toward him, only to have him shrink back; his eyes as wide as saucers as he watched me.

“What’s going on Cam?”

He shook his head, but when I stepped closer out of concern, he finally spoke up. “It—it was an accident.” He whispered.

“What was an accident?”

Slowly, he removed his hands from behind his back and held them out in front of him. In them, he held the broken shards of what had been a glass soap dish, which once sat on the counter by the sink. Underneath the shards, however, his hands were bloodied after being sliced in multiple areas by the sharp edges. I watched as his blood seeped through his fingers and dripped onto the rug at his feet.

“Jesus Cam.” I rushed over to the corner of the bathroom and picked up the small bin, then held it out under his hands. “Let them go.” I told him and we both watched as the shards fell into the small receptacle.

“I was trying to put on the cream the doctor gave me, but every time I bent over my eye started hurting and then when I was trying to get the tube open I accidentally hit the dish and it fell. I’m sorry.” He said, his voice shaking.

“I don’t care about the soap dish Cam. Look at your hands.” I said as I replaced the bin and led him over to the sink. He flinched when the water poured his cuts and I inspected his palms to ensure that there were no pieces embedded into his flesh. Satisfied that there were none, I wrapped them in a damp towel.

He gasped when I lifted him off the ground and carried him out of the bathroom. I didn’t want him to step on any stray shards with his bare feet. After depositing him on the bed with Happy, I reentered the bathroom, grabbed his towel from the rack, along with the cream and the first aid kit and set them onto the bed beside him.

“I’ll buy it back.” He said when I unwrapped the damp, blood-stained towel from his hands and dropped it on the floor by my feet.

I retrieved the small bottle of iodine from the first-aid kit and he bit his lip and looked away when the first drop hit his flesh. His right palm was sliced in so many areas that Band-Aids didn’t even make sense. When the iodine dried, I unrolled a bandage and began wrapping it carefully around his hand, then fastened it in place with two safety pins.

I repeated the first step on his left hand and used Band-Aids to cover the two deep slices in his palm. He looked down at his hands when it was over and frowned.

“What am I going to do with you?”

“It was an accident.” He mumbled.

“I know that and that’s fine, but you didn’t have to hide it from me.” I took a breath. “From now on I need you to be more careful and when anything happens, don’t assume I’ll me mad, just tell me. Now you’re hurt for no reason.”

He didn’t reply and I didn’t push him for an answer. Instead, I picked up the other towel from where I had placed it beside him and used it to dry his wet hair, which smelled like some form of flowery concoction from his shower.

“I’ll be right back.” I told him, and exited the room. On the way down the hall, I pulled a rag from the linen closet and made my way downstairs and into the kitchen, where I grabbed a large bowl from the cupboard and set it down on the counter.

I then filled it with water, dropped a few ice cubes in and took it with me upstairs. Cam was sitting in the same position I had left him in.

“Lie on your back.” I told him, and he did so without question. Happy curled himself by Cam’s side and they both watched as I set the bowl by the side table and dipped the rag into the the cold water. When I had wrung it out and folded it in three, I placed it over his swollen eyes.

“I’m going to put the cream on for you okay?”

“Okay.”

I removed the top and squeezed it into my palm, then proceeded to apply it to the scratches and bruises Leo had left on his body. I paused when I reached his genitals, which, like the rest of his body, were bruised and slightly swollen. I gritted my teeth; cursing his abuser in my head, before I continued to apply the cream.

Through it all, he remained silent, and the only sound that could be heard in the bedroom was the laughing French chef on the television. By the time I finished, he was fast asleep.

I pulled the blanket over his nakedness, muted the television and began tidying up the room and then the bathroom. When the place was once again presentable and all the stray shards were safely discarded in the bin downstairs, I flipped over the rag on his eyes and took a seat in the chair by the window. I sat there for a long time watching him; my mind filled with angry thoughts.

………………………………..

At some point later than day, I managed to convince him to eat some of the food Anna had prepared, and minutes later he went back to bed and promptly fell asleep. He didn’t wake again until close to midnight when I was once again soaking the rag in the cool water.

“Damion.” He said, turning to look at me with teary eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him, kneeling on the floor by his bed.

“Everything hurts.” He whispered. “My head and my hands and my feet and everywhere.” He finished with a sniffle and for the second time that day, I felt the strange stirring in my chest.

“Do you want to take two of the pills the doctor gave you?” I asked him gently, but instead of answering, he reached over and took my hand and pressed it to his damp cheek, then he closed his eyes as though preparing to go right back to sleep.

“Cam?” I whispered, and when I made to pull away, he held fast to the hand that was still pressed to his cheek.

“Can we stay here?” his question was barely a whisper as the tears continued to spill from his closed lids.

Moments later, he fell asleep and I placed the cool cloth back over his swollen eyes. He didn’t wake again until morning.

                                                      AUTHOR’S NOTES

Wow. It’s been awhile.This has been a long and lonely year without Wattpad in my life. During the time that I have been away, I have had the opportunity to read many of your comments, emails and messages. You are all truly amazing. I’ve missed you.My love for writing and interacting with you has pushed me to make the huge decision to take a six (6) month leave of absence from my hectic job to pursue my first passion: WRITING.Now that I have no distractions and nothing holding me back, I am happy to announce that I will be continuing my journey on Wattpad FULL-TIME!!!I am so excited to share new chapters with you.Thank you for your patience! ⭐️ For updates, sneak peeks and more, check out my Instagram: doublezone_books

Chapter 18: The Hidden Entries

Chapter 18

Cam

December 26

Dear Journal,

Yesterday was Christmas and I spent the whole day with Damion and it was the best Christmas I’ve ever had in my whole life. We were at a hotel in Chicago so it didn’t have that homey feel like in the movies, but it was still perfect. Chicago is pretty cold this time of year, so we didn’t go outside, but we got to stay in our suite all day and talk and watch TV, which made me happy.

Yesterday I even asked Damion to play pretend with me. It wasn’t anything stupid, we pretended we were in love for the whole day. I didn’t know that having somebody be in love with me would feel so good. It made me feel warm and happy all over, and I was smiling so much that the corners of my mouth are hurting even now, but it was worth it.

Damion even got me a gift; a really cool, complicated camera that I love so much. I never even thought he was going to give me a gift or anything but he did. All I gave him were some paintings, which kind of made me feel guilty, but he said he liked them. The camera is really expensive so I’m trying to be as careful as possible with it, and I’m also watching videos online so I can learn how to use it the right way. So far I’m having so much fun and now I don’t have to ask Monte to borrow hers.

Yesterday and today I looked online to see if my brother posted any of the Christmas pictures of our family, but he didn’t. I’m starting to wonder if he’ll end up posting any. If he doesn’t I think I might cry. I miss them all the time. I miss Chicago already. It was my first ever time being there and flying on the plane for the first time was pretty awesome too. The bathrooms are so tiny that you can barely even turn around properly in it. It was so cute.

I feel like it would be cool to visit Chicago again in the summer time when it’s nice and warm because it was so cold that going outside wasn’t fun at all, but I had the best time anyway. I also got to meet Tate; he’s Paul’s fiancée. Tate is British and handsome and cool, and I like his hair and the way he dresses, but he used to be Damion’s sub which made me feel sort of weird, but he was nice to me. Everyone was nice to me. Damion has the best friends. Monte says positivity attracts positivity, so I guess that’s why they’re all so great.

I also talked to God for the first time too. I was going through a tough time and he was the only one I could think to talk to. I told him about Damion, Tate and James and I asked him to help me a little bit with my emotions. I asked him a bunch of questions too but I’m not exactly sure how I’ll get the answer or if he was even listening, but I’m waiting to see.

All in all it was a fun time and I’m so glad that Damion brought me along, but my heart kind of hurts though. It hurts so bad that I feel like I can barely breathe.

It all started when after I told Damion I love him and I asked him to keep me. He wasn’t very happy to hear that and maybe I even made him mad a little bit. I think maybe I made things harder for him too, but I didn’t mean to. I just wanted him to know what I was feeling on the inside, but now I’m scared that I messed things up.

This morning we flew back home and he gave me the prettiest gold bracelet with my name on it, then he said he was going to be selfish, but then we stopped at Donny’s house for a little while and Donny and Damion talked for a long time in private and after that Damion took me home and told me that he had to end everything.

I think maybe Donny said something and that’s okay, because brothers are meant to look out for each other, but I still feel really bad about it. Monte says I might be stressed and I think maybe I am. I miss him and I don’t know if he’ll let me see him again. He said I still should go to see the therapist every week and I will, and I’m still going to send him some of my journal entries maybe.

Tomorrow I’m going to maybe paint a little bit or maybe I’ll go out and take some pictures. I don’t know yet. I’m not really feeling like doing much of anything but I’m going to force myself to. Otherwise, I’ll just feel even more miserable and I don’t like feeling miserable. I was even thinking of maybe going out for ice cream tomorrow just to have something to do but I don’t know yet. I guess it depends on how I feel.

I think maybe Monte’s right that I’m stressed and my heart hurts too. Being in love was suppose to be a good thing. In the movies, they make it look so easy and everybody’s always so happy and they end up together, and live happily ever after, but I just feel sad.

It’s midnight now and all day my chest has been feeling sort of empty; like something that should be there isn’t there anymore. I can’t stop crying because I don’t want it to be over but Jason always used to say that there wasn’t any point in crying so you might as well suck it up and keep going. Sometimes its just not that easy for me. Jason was strong and I am just Cam. I wish more than anything that I could take back what I said to Damion. I wish I hadn’t gone and ruined it all, but there’s nothing I can do about that now and it sucks.

My highlight of the day was getting the bracelet from Damion. I’m going to keep it forever.

-Cam.

………………………………………….

January 1

Dear Journal,

I haven’t written in a little while. Mostly because I didn’t have anything to write. Nothing new has been happening and not much of anything changed since the last time I wrote, but I figured I should at least try today since it’s the start of a new year and all.

No, one good thing did happen actually, and I guess maybe that’s why I’m writing today. Damion called me! I can’t stop smiling because I haven’t heard from him since the day after Christmas. He called this morning to wish me a happy new year and I still can’t believe it. I didn’t expect it at all but I’m so happy I got to hear his voice. I feel like maybe it’s the start to a good year. At least I hope it will be. I haven’t made my resolutions yet, but I have an idea of some of the things I want this year. I really want to cry less, save more, paint more, do better at work, get better at using my camera and maybe take that cooking class I’ve been wanting to take.

I wonder if Damion usually makes resolutions. I feel like maybe he doesn’t because he seems to have everything pretty much figured out. I wonder if I’ll ever get to that point in life; I doubt it though because I’m an average guy. Damion is on a different level. I should actually be getting ready for work right now instead of writing. I hate that I have to work today of all days. I was hoping that I could have today free to sleep. My boss sold the place to a new person and I don’t think he likes me very much.

No matter what I do he gets mad at me; even when I try my absolute best. Sometimes I don’t even make mistakes and he still gets mad for no reason and sometimes he yells. I hate when he yells. I feel like maybe I’m going to get fired and I don’t know what to do to stop it. I genuinely try my best and I work every single day now just to try to make him happy, but nothing works.

Then to make things worse he sent me to the kitchen to make something even though he knows I can’t cook and I don’t know what happened but my hair got singed and it was so bad that Monte had to shave the whole thing off. Now I’ve got a buzz cut. I don’t really like the way it looks but I like how it feels when the wind blows and I can feel it on my scalp. When the sun’s real hot, it burns though, which sucks.

Maybe it’s a good thing that me and Damion don’t see each other anymore because I wouldn’t want him to see my hair like this when I look so weird. I miss him though. Sometimes I imagine just taking a taxi and going over to his house just so I can see him, but then I would look like a crazy stalker.

Monte says it will probably get worse before it gets better, and when time passes I’ll start to feel okay again, but I don’t think that will ever happen. I have too many feelings bottled up inside me.

I went to the therapist a few days ago and I really wish I could just stop. All she does is ask questions about my life; private thoughts that are mine and Damion’s alone. She must be having a hard time with me though since I don’t have much to say. I swear I feel bad about it sometimes but it is what it is. If I can’t at least keep my thoughts just for me, then what’s the point of having a mind?

I don’t think it’s working; whatever it is that’s supposed to happen, but I guess all I can do is try to see what will come out of it. Monte says there’s nothing to fix. She says I’m perfect just the way I am, but clearly Damion thinks otherwise and I’m having a tough time trying to figure out who to believe.

I’ve thought a lot about the things Damion has been telling me; like how Master Drake was wrong and all that, and no matter how much I try to wrap my head around it, I just don’t see what he sees. Master Drake only ever tried to help me understand my place as a sub. Damion keeps saying that a sub is supposed to set the rules and all that, but I think and I think, and I just don’t see how that makes any sense. A Dom is bigger and stronger and wiser. He’s the one who’s supposed to be in charge, otherwise what’s the point of having a Dom and a Sub? Might as well have two Doms then.

Maybe things are just different depending on where you go. Maybe at Damion’s club that’s how it worked because everyone in his world is rich, so one rich person telling another rich person what to do is wrong to them, but in my world, we do it the normal way; one’s in charge and one’s not.

And being told what to do is easier anyway. I like not having to worry about making decisions. I like when things are simple and yes, sometimes it ends up hurting real bad, but that’s only when I don’t do what I’m supposed to. All it means is that I need to be better.

I want to maybe read something about the lifestyle or watch a video or something so I can understand where Damion is coming from, but I can’t exactly type that kind of stuff in on the computers at the library or the internet café down the street, and there’s nobody I can talk to about it who would would understand. Tate thinks the same way Damion does because he’s from that kind of life, but he would need to be poor like me to understand the way Dom’s and Subs do it where I come from.

My highlight of the day was when Damion called me. I really like hearing his voice; it’s very deep.

-Cam.

………………………………………

January 13

Dear Journal,

My hair is starting to grow back, which is pretty great.

Today I had lunch with Tate for the first time since Chicago and it was awesome. It was nice getting to go out somewhere with somebody other than Monte for a change. Not that going out with Monte is a bad thing, it’s just that she’s the only friend I have, so it was nice to experience hanging out with another friend. At least I think me and Tate are friends now; he said we should meet up for lunch and stuff more often, which I think means he wants to be friends with me.

He’s so nice and funny, and his accent makes me feel like I’m in a movie. We went to this cool Creperie that I’ve never been to before uptown, and the food and the atmosphere was so good. I especially loved how the owner made the place feel so artsy. They allow customers to draw on the walls and on the glass windows and doors with colored markers, so the place looks magical; I love it. It made me feel really comfortable and relaxed being in there and it wasn’t expensive or anything, which means I can go back by myself at anytime just to sit and draw.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to take Monte there though, because then she’ll tell Leo all about it and he’ll start going there and ruin everything. It’ll just be a spot for me and Tate and maybe Paul if he wants to come because I like Paul…and if Damion ever shows up again then I’d like to go with him too.

Every time I think about Damion I get this bad feeling in my stomach. Tate says I’m lovesick, and he says Damion’s lovesick too; which kind of made me feel happy for a second, but making me hope isn’t helping things. Sometimes I kind of wish I never met Damion, because then at least I wouldn’t be miserable all the time. Back on New Years day, I said that one of my resolutions was to cry less this year, but all I do is cry and we’re still in January.

Being in love sucks. I could get my arms and legs broken and it would hurt less. I’ve been sending Damion some of my Journal entries; not all of them, because now that we’re done, I decided to keep some of them private. But in the entries that I send him, I make sure to sound as upbeat as possible so he doesn’t have to feel burdened that I’m not doing so well. I just want him to be happy.

Monte says if I lose anymore weight the wind will take me away one day. On the days when I miss Damion the most, I find myself standing outside praying for the wind to actually take me away, but no such luck of course.

I asked my therapist what I could do to stop feeling this way and she couldn’t give me a solid answer; just as I thought; she can’t help me. She’s trying though, so I have to be patient. She says I’m depressed and she prescribed something for me to take for it, but people get depressed all the time and I don’t see them taking medication for it. Anyway, getting rid of my depression won’t make my heart hurt any less.

These days I don’t even feel much like getting out of bed, but I do it anyway cause of course I’ve got to help Monte with the bills. I feel like we were happier when we lived on the streets; back then we didn’t have bills to worry about, and me and Monte didn’t have distractions, so we got to spend more time together and just sit outside and talk until midnight and later even.

It’s true what they say, that you can’t have it all. Things will get better but you’ll lose something in the process. At least Monte is happier though. She got herself a steady boyfriend even though I hate him so much that it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I want to save more this year so I can move out. I don’t think I can stand to stay in the same house where Leo keeps coming and going for much longer.

He looks at me weird and he says things he’s not supposed to say, and every time I’m in the same room with him, my skin starts crawling. It’ll be a long time before I can move though; things like this take money and even if I do find a way, it’ll be hard for me to tell Monte that I’m leaving.

Yesterday I started thinking a lot about decisions and how making the decision to run away from the boys’ home with Monte years ago changed my whole life. I started to wonder what my life would have been like if I’d stayed behind. Maybe I would have gotten to go back home with my parents. Maybe I’d be in college right now and I’d have celebrated Christmas with everybody.

Maybe I would have had to pretend to be straight though. I probably would have never gotten to experience going on a pride March and I wouldn’t have met Jason or anything. Those were yesterday’s thoughts though. Today I’m mostly thinking about the future. I’m thinking about jobs and money and feelings and responsibilities. I’m thinking about doing something crazy like following my crazy dream to quit my job and paint full-time. I’m thinking about what it would be like to have a boyfriend who actually wants me, and about collars and maybe getting a little dog like Happy.

And now I’m crying again while writing this because crying is obviously a part of my personality. I’m also thinking seriously about the word acceptance and what it means. I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to accept myself the way I am just like how I had long ago accepted that I am gay.

Maybe it really will be better to just accept that this is me; nothing special. Monte says I’m just feeling sorry for myself, but I really don’t think so. All I’m doing is just accepting reality. Maybe this is what it means to grow up.

My highlight of the day was having lunch with Tate and discovering my new chill spot.

-Cam.

………………………………………

January 24

Dear Journal,

I’m at Damion’s house. I never thought this would ever happen again, but I’m here and it feels just the way I left it. I never realized just how much I missed it here until I stepped through the front doors. Getting to be with Happy is just the icing on the cake. It feels safer here than at my real house. Leo can never get to me here; no one can. Nobody would even dare mess with Damion; he’s huge and he’s a firefighter. Leo wouldn’t dare.

Sometimes I still feel scared though; like when I’m sitting by myself in one of these big rooms and I start to think about what happened. I get so scared that I have to take deep breaths just to calm down. I hate what Leo did. I hate that he made me feel like this. I was so scared when he attacked me. I thought for sure that he was going to…… I can’t even write the rest. I didn’t even know that these things happened to guys, but then master Drake always said I was more like a girl than a guy. I never believed it until now.

I’m all soft everywhere and I have no muscles or facial hair. My eye lashes are long, my hands are small and my voice isn’t even deep. The only thing that makes me sure that I’m even a guy is that I have male bits.

Maybe he tried to do that to me because of how I look. Maybe I should have worn baggier clothes or stayed in my room more when he came over, or maybe I shouldn’t have smiled at him that first time Monte had introduced us. Maybe I should try to be more manly. Maybe I should start working out. I didn’t even expect him to go that far. He was never rough with me before. And now I’m crying again like some softy. I wish tears were never invented, all they do is get in the way.

Damion’s sitting by the pool watching me. He looks worried. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him look worried and I don’t know how to feel about it. I like it when he’s happy. When he’d rescued me from Leo he’d been angry, and the day he’d taken me back from Chicago he’d just looked kind of sad. I rarely get to see him smile and I’m starting to wonder what makes him happy. He’s not an easy man. That’s for sure.

I think maybe he looks worried because he thinks I’m in a lot of pain. Everything hurts, and even when I take the pills Anna gave me I can still feel it whenever I move around. My eye hurts the worst and then my male bits. I’ve been hurt plenty of times though. I’ve felt pain ten times worse than this, so I guess this isn’t really anything to complain about.

Every time Damion tries to touch me I keep remembering Leo, and I don’t know why and I feel so stupid. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about telling Damion everything that happened, or just talking about Leo in general. I feel so stupid and embarrassed that I let him do this to me. I feel like Damion will hear and he’ll think it’s my fault for maybe leading him on. He’ll think I’m weak, because what kind of guy almost gets r*ped by another guy? I’ve never heard it happen before.

I wish I could just wipe everything from my mind, but Monte says people have to face their problems head on. I’m so scared to talk to Monte especially. She’s going to be so mad at me because she really loves Leo. He’s the first guy she’s been with for such a long time and I don’t know what to say to her, except that I’m sorry and I know that won’t be good enough.

Leo is sitting in jail because of me. What if she never forgives me for it. Damion says I’ll most likely have to go to court, but I can’t do it and I won’t do it. I wish there was someone I could talk to about everything, like Tate; Tate never judges and he’s my friend.

Happy’s gotten so much bigger since the last time I saw him, and Damion bought him so many toys it’s crazy. He’s not as shy as he was before either. Now he runs all over the place and barks a lot and stuff. I’m so proud of him. Damion did a real good job and I’m proud of him too.

I still can’t believe I’m here with Damion. It’s been three long miserable weeks not being able to see his face, but now here he is. He still makes my heart race and I still love him more than anything in the whole world. I won’t tell him how I feel ever again, but I’m going to try so hard to make him fall in love with me. No more lies, no complaining, no more crying. I’m going to practice my cooking and I’m already sort of good at cleaning and folding laundry and I won’t argue with him or make him mad.

Monte says that in whatever a person does in life, he should try to make himself indispensable, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make it so that he misses me when I’m not there, and then he’ll want to keep me. I know he doesn’t want any romantic stuff, but he said if I want, he’ll start over my training when I’m better and he says I can stay here for however long I want. He even offered me a job and everything. He’s always doing so many nice things for me and don’t do anything for him, but I’m going to do my best.

One day when everything’s perfect I’m going to show him my second journal. It’s not bad that I have a second journal because I started this when he ended everything, so these are my own private thoughts. Now that everything’s starting over though, I won’t be able to write in here anymore because that would be wrong.

My highlight of the day is being with Damion and Happy, because I love them and in my heart they’re already my family.

-Cam.

……………………………………………………………….

The bruises made me uglier.

I stared hard at my reflection in Damion’s bathroom mirror and my frown deepened with each passing minute. I wondered how Damion could even look at me. My left eye was swollen black and blue, my lip was split and swollen from when I’d accidentally bitten it when Leo had attacked me, and even my left cheek was swollen, making my face look lopsided and weird.

I tilted my head to inspect the bruises on my neck from where Leo had squeezed me, and then looked down at my naked body at the scratches on my hips. He’d even bruised my arms and wrists from where he’d held on. I hated that my skin was so sensitive. Why couldn’t I be tough like normal people? Why did everything have to be so obvious? Now people would see me and they would know. They would wonder why I looked like I’d gotten beaten up, and they’d wonder what kind of a man couldn’t protect himself.

I hated that I was so soft and small and useless. Why couldn’t I have been born big and strong like Damion? Then Leo would have never messed with me. I blinked back the tears and hated myself for always crying like some baby. What kind of a man was I? I didn’t even have facial hair except for those really tiny hairs that were starting to grow in on my chin.

I sniffled. “Why can’t I just be normal?” I whispered to myself, then flinched when I accidentally bumped my hip into the counter, then groaned because flinching made my left eye hurt so bad that it started to water. I sighed, before carefully pulling a shirt over my head.

I could cover up my body, but there wasn’t anything I could do about my face, and that fact made me extra nervous about going to the therapist today because her waiting room was always packed with people. I touched the tip of my finger to my swollen eye; Damion said that it would look worse before it started to look better, but I couldn’t even imagine it looking worse than it already was.

“Cam? Everything alright in there?” Damion called from outside the bathroom door. I ’d been in there for a while now, wasting time looking at myself.

“Yeah I’m alright.” I called back.

“Come downstairs when you’re done, breakfast is almost ready.”

“Okay.”

I listened for his departing footsteps and then for the bedroom door closing, before I took a deep breath and finally pushed open the bathroom door. I stood by the bed and dried my hair as best I could with the damp towel, then carefully pulled on the baggiest and softest pair of pants I could find. I didn’t bother with underwear because anything pressing against me hurt too much. I glanced at myself one more time in mirror and sighed, before finally heading down the stairs. I could smell the sizzling bacon and my favorite pancakes already, and I smiled.

I’d missed waking up to the smell of food being cooked, but more importantly, I’d missed Damion’s food. I think he realized that sitting on a stool would be too much for me, because instead of the usual place by the counter, he’d set the table. I glanced at him as I made my way to the chair. He was on the phone talking business, while he scrambled the eggs in the pan. I picked up the cup of peppermint tea from the table and took a sip, then continued to watch him move around in the kitchen, doing this and that as he continued his important call.

He was so capable. I set down the cup, then propped my chin in my hands and watched him. He was talking to someone about share prices and some company that was delisting from the stock exchange; whatever that meant.

“Have they issued the director’s circular?” he was asking with a frown as he stirred. “What was their recommendation?”

I loved watching him talk business because usually so many different expressions crossed his face, and I liked to see everyone of them. Right then he was frowning as he listened to the person on the line. He took the strips of bacon out of the pan and placed them in the napkins on a plate.

“I glanced through the Offer Circular but I haven’t had the chance to give it a thorough review. In any event, I’m not about to sell my shares for less than the last trading price. What are they thinking?”

He turned off the stove, and when I stood, intending to help him carry some of the plates to the table, he shook his head and I sat and waited. First, he set down the plate of pancakes, then the bowl of scrambled eggs. There was also a small jar of maple syrup, a plate of honey wheat toast and finally the bacon.

“Eat.” He whispered to me, then gestured to the food on the table, before picking up a mug of coffee and leaving the room. I figured he was going to finish up his talk in his office. I cocked my head to the side and listened for the sound of the door closing down the hall, and after a few short minutes, it came.

I served myself what I could manage, and chewed slowly because even chewing took some effort. I wondered what my boss had said when Damion had called him to tell him that I wouldn’t be back to work for a while; no doubt he was mad. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I got fired though, so I figured maybe I should just accept Damion’s offer.

A Five Star restaurant. The only Five Star restaurant I’d ever been to was the one Damion had taken me to in Chicago, and that had been no joke. All the waiters had been wearing cute matching uniforms and they didn’t make mistakes. It was definitely nothing compared to the little diner where I worked.

I wondered if the staff would be nice, and if I’d have some kind of supervisor. I also wondered if working there meant that I would see Paul, Tate and Donny all the time. I glanced up from my plate when I heard the doorbell ring, and walked into the living room, where I stood on my tip toes so I could see through the peephole.

It was Donny. I glanced down the hall to see if Damion was coming to open it, but when I heard nothing, I pulled open the door. Donny stood on the porch with my bags in his hand, and a bright smile when he saw me. I smiled back hesitantly.

“Hi.”

“Hi yourself.” He said, and stepped into the room when I moved out of the way. He placed the bags on the floor by the couch and I closed the door behind him.

“Damion’s in his study.” I told him, and he nodded, turning to face me with furrowed brows.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“I’m okay. Thanks for getting my stuff for me.”

He nodded, but he was starting to get that look in his eyes that Damion had all the time now; kind of sad, kind of angry, kind of worried. It was weird how much the looked exactly alike even in their eyes.

I pointed toward the kitchen. “Damion made me breakfast.” I told him, and he gestured for me to go, then followed not too far behind me as I went.

I sat in my spot at the table and reached for my cup of tea as he went to raid the fridge. When he straightened, he pulled out a carton of milk, then reached into the cupboard for the cereal. I watched him while thinking about just how different they were. Damion never ate cereal; that box had been in the cupboard since the first time I’d visited. He poured them into a bowl and grabbed the seat across from me.

He snatched a strip of bacon from the pile on the tray, popped it into his mouth, then dug into his cereal like a starving man.

“You’re here?” Damion’s voice boomed from behind me, and I turned to see him standing there with his coffee mug in hand. He grabbed the seat beside me and began piling the food onto his plate.

Donny nodded as he chewed; his eyes meeting Damion’s, and I wondered if this was one of those moments where they were doing the silent communication thing. I’d noticed that they did it a lot. Damion poured way too much maple syrup over his pancakes, and Donny and I both cringed when he took a bite.

“How come you like your coffee black but you eat like that?” I asked him, but Donny replied instead.

“That’s because he has to make up for all the sugar he consumes throughout the day.” He said. “I’m surprised he doesn’t have diabetes after all these years to be honest.”

“We all have our demons.” Damion said, and I almost melted when I saw the small smile on his face. I liked the way the corners of his eyes looked when he smiled.

I remembered when I used to visit and the jumbo candy jar would be full to overflowing one day and by the end of the week it would be empty. I used to think he gave them away or something, but now I knew better. I smiled, watching him eat until he looked at me.

“Aren’t you eating?” he asked, and I picked up my fork and took another bite of my pancake. Truth be told, I didn’t eat as much anymore. My appetite left me in Chicago.

“Do you want to go to your therapist today?” he asked when I started playing around with my food. I looked at him in surprise.

“Don’t I have to go?”

“When you’re fully healed I’d like for you to continue going every week, but for right now, if you don’t feel like it, then that’s up to you.”

“Then I want to skip today please.” I said, and he nodded. “Are you going to work today?”

He glanced at Donny, who had just finished his bowl of cereal and was reaching for some more bacon.

“I could stay with you today if you want.” He replied, but I shook my head slowly. I didn’t want to stay by myself but I also didn’t want to interfere with his work.

“Do you think I could come with you just to look at the place? I won’t get it your way or anything.” I said, looking back and forth between the brothers. Donny shrugged and Damion nodded.

“I’m just going to check in for a few minutes. I don’t mind if you come along.” He said, then slapped Donny’s hand away when he reached for more food.

“Will you let him eat?” he asked with a frown, and Donny gave up and leaned back in his chair.

“It’s okay. I’m full.”

“You’ve barely touched your food though Cam. Are you sure?” he asked, and his voice was so gentle that I almost forgot to respond.

“Um…yeah, I’m sure.” I said. “Are you leaving soon? Can I go change now?”

“At least finish your tea first.” He said, and I drank huge mouthfuls until it was done and got up. I could feel their eyes on me as I left the room, but before I headed upstairs, I decided to stop by the living room to grab some extra clothes from one of the bags.

As I stooped there searching through them, I heard Damion say to Donny; “Try not to stare too much next time. It’ll make him uncomfortable.”

“How’s he doing?”

“It’s only been three days. Not much has changed. He doesn’t eat, barely sleeps and when he does, he has nightmares. He’s somehow lost more weight since coming here, and as long as he’s moving he’s feeling pain. I’m worried about him.”

“That asshole really did a number on him. Is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think so. Thanks for bringing out his bags.” Damion said. “Did you see his roommate?”

I cocked my head to hear the answer; my heart in my throat. “No, the place was empty.”

There was silence after that, and finally Donny spoke again. “Has he said anything about what happened?”

“No, nothing.” Damion said with a sigh, and I suddenly felt really guilty.

“Well these things take time. You just have to be patient with him.”

I quickly gathered up my clothes and started up the stairs; not wanting to hear the rest of their conversation.

In the bedroom, I made sure to pull on clothes that would cover my arms, and I decided that I could wear my sunglasses to hide my eyes, but I frowned down at the jeans I held in my hands. I didn’t want to even think about how uncomfortable they would feel against my bruised skin.

“You don’t have to dress up. Just wear what makes you feel comfortable.” I jumped at the sound of Damion’s voice in the room, and glanced around to see him entering his closet. I hadn’t even heard him come in.

“Did Donny leave?”

“Yeah. He has papers to grade.” He said, and I nodded even though he couldn’t see me.

“How come both of you have two jobs even though you don’t need to?”

“People can be passionate about more than one thing.” Was all he said, and I nodded in understanding. It was like with the way I loved my art and my photography, except I wasn’t making money off either of the things I was most passionate about.

“It’s not easy to do what you love for a living.” I told him as I pulled on another baggy track pants. “You must be really happy that you get to do that.”

He exited the closet with his outfit and lay them down on the bed. I sat down beside them and watched him.

“Have you ever heard that saying that goes “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life?”

“Yeah.”

“Well it’s true.”

“Yeah. I wish everyone could do it too. You must be really happy all the time.”

“People are generally afraid of taking risks, that’s why they find it so hard to achieve their dreams. You have to be willing to make sacrifices.” He said, and somehow I felt like he was trying to tell me something.

“If I focus on my art, I might end up on the street. Most artists don’t get very far.”

“Why can’t you be the exception?”

“I—” I paused, thinking about it for a second. “Because I’m not an exceptional person.”

“You won’t know unless you try.”

“I guess.” I carefully pulled my hoodie over my head. “Maybe I’m not ready to make sacrifices though.” He smiled when I said that, and it went all the way to his eyes.

“Now might be the perfect time for you to try. You won’t have to pay rent or bills here and instead of working at our restaurant full-time, maybe you could consider a part-time position. You’ll still make more than you do working at the diner. This way you’ll have a lot of free time to do what you love and absolutely nothing to lose.”

“I’ll feel bad living here and not helping out.” I told him honestly, and he nodded thoughtfully. My gaze traveled down his hard chest and across his stomach, settling on the treasure trail leading to his fun parts.

“You can take care of Happy for me then.” He finally said. “That’s helping out.”

“But that’s not enough.”

“It is.” He pulled his shirt over his head and I blinked.

“How come you’re helping me so much?” I asked then. “I know it’s not because of with happened with Leo, because you used to help me a lot in the beginning too, but I’m just Cam and I don’t do anything for you, so why help me all the time?”

“It’s okay for people to help each other without expecting anything in return.” He said as simple as that, and I felt the usual tears fill my eyes.

“I really appreciate everything.” I told him, making circles on the sheet with my finger. When I felt his fingers on my chin, I tried to blink away the tears, but he tilted my face up, and they spilled over.

“I know.” He said, and he was still smiling, which made my heart feel funny. He wiped away the streaks with his thumbs, and I felt my face go hot.

“Okay.” I said and my voice was shaking.

“And you don’t have to feel embarrassed about anything with me Cam. I’d rather you cry in front of me than somewhere by yourself.”

I realized then that Damion wasn’t successful just because he worked hard. He was also successful because good things normally happened to genuinely good people, and Damion was the best person I knew.

………………………………………………….

He held my hand as we crossed the parking lot, and my fingers felt extra warm trapped inside his big hand. I’d missed this too. There were a lot of things I’d missed, but this was one of the things I’d dreamt about; holding his hand, being close to him, smelling his cologne, hearing his voice, seeing his handsome face; it all still felt like a dream.

“Do you want anything to drink?” he asked as soon as we stepped into his restaurant, and I shook my head.

The place was amazing… and I wasn’t just saying that because he was the love of my life. It was absolutely stunning. The ceilings were every artist’s wet dream; not only were they extremely high, but it was covered in art work so breathtaking that I had to stand there for a while just taking it in.

By the time I looked away, he was already more than half way across the room. I followed as quickly as I could behind him, while taking in as much as I could. Everything was extravagant and beautiful; from the floors to the walls to the tables. The lighting had to be my second favorite, after the ceilings. The bulbs they’d used were unique; I’d definitely never seen anything like them before, and I wondered how they went about choosing them.

You could tell just at a glance that a lot of thoughtfulness and hard work went into making the place perfect, and I loved it. The restaurant we’d visited in Chicago couldn’t compare. I ran my fingers over the paneling along the wall and breathed in the clean scent of the air. At the diner where I worked, it always smelled like used oil and fried chicken.

“What time do you open?” I asked him when we reached the bar.

“4:00 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays. 11:00 a.m. during the week.”

“It’s really beautiful in here.” I told him truthfully.

“Thanks. I’ll let Tate know. He’s the interior designer.”

“Oh yeah.” I said in awe. To think, Tate had done all this. He was even more talented than I’d thought. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bar this big.” I continued, following him behind the bar.

“Yeah?”

I nodded. “Yeah.” I watched him pull a tall glass from a cabinet and fill it with coke, then he handed it to me, along with a small bag of nuts.

“Thank you.” I said, taking them from him even though I hadn’t wanted anything, and followed him to the very back of the restaurant to the double doors that were blocked off by those cool red ropes that I always saw at the exclusive clubs in the movies.

“This is a private entrance to the Gentleman’s club for ease of access for members who are dining at the restaurant on any particular night.” He said. “There’s a main outside entrance as well.”

He led me through the large gold doors which were hidden from the view of the rest of the restaurant, and what I saw inside was not at all what I had expected.

                                                         AUTHOR’S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

***For updates, sneak peeks, posting dates and more, check out my instagram: doublezone_books

-unedited.

-DoUbLe.A

Chapter 19: Mother Monte

Chapter 19

When Damion had told me all those weeks ago that he had a sort of BDSM club, I’d thought for sure that it would look just like all the other ones I’d been to, except maybe a little bit pricey. So I was more than a little bit surprised, when I stepped into the room behind him, but it didn’t take very long for me to understand why he called it a ‘gentleman’s club.’

The place was classy; like ‘worth millions’ classy, and I guess I should have expected it. This was Damion after all, and everything about him screamed sophistication, perfection and money. As I stepped through the door, I looked down at my cheap sneakers, and automatically felt underdressed. It didn’t matter that they hadn’t opened for business for the day yet.

First thing’s first, it was way bigger than I’d thought it would be; almost the same size of the restaurant; same high ceilings; this time without the art. The color scheme was a nice space grey and light grey vibe that felt very manly and very Damion. I liked how when you walked through the main doors and the side door, you immediately entered a large lobby of sorts, which had nice leather couches that looked extremely comfortable and clean.

After that room, there was what I would describe as a lounge, with more comfy looking leather chairs and huge floor cushions that matched the color scheme. It reminded me of bohemian style cushions, but without the cool colors that went with it.

The paintings on the wall were minimalistic, which somehow reminded me of Damion, even though his house wasn’t like that at all. His house was more homey, warm and cozy. This place was just elegant, with clean lines and nothing out of place.

I guessed that maybe the lounge was just where you went to chill and chat with all the other club members. There were huge screens on three of the walls, and the lighting was sort of muted, which made the room feel more cozy and secretive than the lobby had.

I liked that the lounge also had a bar; which looked almost like the one in the restaurant, except it was much smaller. There were so many things I liked about the whole set up, but the tables were probably my favorite. They were short, which reminded me of those Japanese-style  furniture that I’d seen on TV a million times. Even though I was sure most people didn’t notice, since they came to have fun, and not to inspect the décor, the table had the coolest geometric patterns on the surface, that made the artist in me really, really excited.

I bent down for a second and ran my hands over the surface, and when Damion looked back and saw me, he smiled. I followed him into the next room; which was bigger than all the others. I realized that this was the main room where all the action happened.

There was a huge bar, standing tables, chairs and little private sections all about. The art on the walls was bolder and inviting, and the stage that stood in the center of the room was intimidating.

There were metal poles up there, metal benches and other strange things that I didn’t really know about, but that clearly belonged in a BDSM club. There were also ropes that hug from the very high ceilings, and I had a vague idea what they were used for. Damion explained to me as I passed them, what the doors that lined one of the walls were for.

Those were for the private scenes, he had said. I peeked into one of them expecting to see a bed, but there were just some of the same stuff that were on the stage, plus a couch or two and huge floor cushions.

The bottom line was; I was impressed, but I wasn’t surprised that Damion had impressed me. He was an impressive person to begin with.

“I really like it.” I told him, and even though I couldn’t read the expression that crossed his face when I said the words, I got the feeling that he liked that I liked it.

Finally, he led me into a small room (small only when compared to the rest of the space), which had a large desk, with a chair behind it, a marble bookshelf that was filled with plaques, trophies and certificates. There was also a large filing cabinet that was taller than I was.

There was no art on the walls in this room, but one of my favorite comfy looking couches stood against one wall, and I immediately went to sit. It was comfier than expected. I watched as Damion took a seat behind his desk and immediately pulled open a small file that had been sitting in the center of it.

So this was his office. I glanced around it and realized that it felt familiar.

“This feels like home.” I told him, and he looked around the office like he was considering my words.

“Does it?”

“Yeah. It feels warm.”

He smiled at me, but said nothing, as he turned his attention back to his file. I left him to it after that, then set down my drink and peanuts on the small table in front of the couch.

When I leaned back and let my body relax, I started to feel that dull throbbing all over my body; like it had just been waiting for me to loosen up so it could attack. I let my head drop back onto the back of the chair, and I closed my eyes.

“Take off your shoes and lie down if you want to.” I heard Damion say, and without hesitating, I bent over, pulled off my shoes, and stretched out onto his couch. I pushed one of his fluffy cushions behind my head and I was out.

…………………………..

The smell of something really tasty pulled me from the deepest sleep I’d had in a long time. I opened my eyes and groaned, when I felt the throbbing all over my body, and slowly sat up.

The first thing I saw, was Damion setting down two plates of steaming hot food on the small coffee table in front of the couch. I breathed in the scent of the food, and felt my stomach rumble. Damion glanced at me, then gestured to one of the plates.

“It’s a three cheese lobster pasta.” He said, before taking a seat beside me on the couch. 

“It smells really good.” I told him, because it did. “Is it from your restaurant?”

“Yes. Eat so you can take a pill.” He pushed the plate closer to me, and didn’t take a bite of his own food, until I took the first bite of mine.

It was good; like mouthwateringly good. The pasta was hot and creamy, like I liked it, and even though lobster wasn’t usually my go-to meat, it was something I knew I was going to be adding to my list of favorite sea foods. It was just too bad that I didn’t have the appetite for food.

After I’d taken my second bite, I felt like I couldn’t go on. I set down my fork, and picked up the glass of water Damion had brought in for me. One sip, and I felt like I’d had a three course meal.

I wasn’t sure why my eating pattern was all over the place now. Before Christmas I used to eat like there was no tomorrow. I literally used to wake up craving some kind of tasty food, but now I was lucky if I could even swallow a bite.

I looked over at Damion, and noticed that he was watching me as he ate, so I picked up my fork and stabbed it into one of the pasta noodle things, before popping it into my mouth. I chewed slowly, and when I swallowed, I looked up at him miserably.

“I’m full.” I said, and when he frowned, I sighed.

“You’ve had two bites Cam.”

“I know, but I had a lot of tea for breakfast, and I think I’m still full from that.”

“Breakfast was four hours ago.” He told me with one raised brow.

I looked at him in surprise. “I’ve been sleeping for three hours?”

“Yes, and I know you’re in pain, so if you want to take a pill, you have to eat first.”

I looked down at the food. “It’s really good.”

“But?”

“I’m just not hungry.”

He set down his own fork, and turned towards me. “Your body is going to shut down if you keep this up.” He said seriously, and his words kind of made me a little nervous, because Damion didn’t lie.

I picked up my fork again. “Two more bites?” I asked, and when he just looked at me, I bit my lip.

“The whole thing.”

“They gave me too much.” I said, looking at the mountain of food in front of me.

“I specifically told them to give me the kid size plate, because I know you don’t have much of an appetite these days.” He said. “It’s not too much.”

I frowned down at my pasta as I pushed it around on my plate. “Will you get mad if I don’t finish it?” I asked quietly, and when he didn’t answer right away, I peeked up at him.

He was watching me, but as usual, I couldn’t make out his expression. I watched him as he watched me, then all of a sudden, he smiled a smile so wide, that I had to blink a few times.

“Let’s play a game.” He said, and because his smile was so contagious, I was grinning right back at him as I set down my fork.

“What kind of game?”

“You get to ask me anything you want to, and I’ll answer every question honestly.” He said. I straightened in excitement, and turned toward him.

“Really?”

“Yes.” He said. “But there’s a catch.”

I bit my lip. “What’s the catch?”

“You can only ask one question after every three bites, and by bite, I mean a fork full every time.”

I looked down at my fork, and then at the plate of food, and considered. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to ask the mysterious Damion all the things I’d been wanting to ask. I knew that there was no way I would get the courage to ask otherwise, and here was my chance; right in front of me.

I picked up the fork, and turned it around and around in my hand. The food was delicious anyway, and just because I didn’t have the appetite for it, didn’t mean I couldn’t eat it.

When I looked back at Damion, he was still smiling; like he already knew my answer.

“I can ask anything I want?”

“Absolutely anything.”

“And you’ll really answer?”

“I will.” He said. “So, what will it be?”

I scooped the pasta onto my fork and nodded. “I’ll do it.”

When I took the first bite, Damion turned back to his own plate to continue eating, but I could tell he was watching; probably to make sure I actually filled my fork. I Frowned as I chewed. I wasn’t a cheater.

I ate quickly, and was grinning when I asked him my first question.

“What’s was it like being a twin growing up, versus now?”

He smiled at me, and I pressed my hand against my chest, when my heart started doing a weird little happy dance.

He took a sip of his water, set it down again, then leaned back in the chair.

“That’s an easy one.” He said, and I just loved how extra handsome he was when he smiled. I especially loved the way his eyes got all crinkly and adorable. “Being a twin growing up was equal parts fun, and frustrating. Fun because being identical made it easier to play tricks on everyone we knew, and you’re born with a built-in best friend, so being lonely was never really an option.

Also, making friends was easy, because everyone our age was fascinated by the two boys who looked exactly alike. Then of course, it didn’t hurt that Donny was charming, and everyone loved him, so his friends automatically became my friends, without me having to lift a finger.“ Damion chuckled, and I just wanted to reach over and kiss his happy face.

“What else made it fun?” I asked him. It was such a weird thing seeing all the different expressions on his face. Usually he was so serious. Talking about his childhood seemed to put him in a good mood. He turned his eyes to the ceiling as he thought about his answer.

“I don’t know, I think the fun came less from being a twin, and more from the fact that we we just loved getting into trouble together. It probably wouldn’t have been much different if we weren’t twins.” He explained. “Just the fact that we were two people with similar interests meant that we were destined to have some good times growing up.”

“That’s so sweet.” I said.

“Probably.” he said. “But there was also those frustrating things, like being treated as though we weren’t two separate individuals, or always being compared. Then of course, there were the questions people would ask constantly; can you read each other’s minds, do you finish each other’s sentences, who’s older?”

When I stared up at him in expectation, he laughed. “No Cam, we can’t read each other’s minds, we rarely finish each other’s sentences, and we were never interested in finding out which one of us is older.”

I giggled, and he ruffled my hair.

“What’s it like now that you’re grown up?”

“Now it’s a little bit different. We don’t give as much trouble, and people tend to be more interested in the ways we’re different, than in the ways we’re similar.”

“What kind of questions do people ask you now?”

“I thought we agreed that it would be one question for every three bites.” He said, but he chuckled, so I didn’t feel bad for asking.

“It’s apart of the main question though.” I said, and he chuckled again.

“Mostly, people ask us why we chose the career paths we did. They also generally want to know if we’re close, and how it felt to come out as gay to Donny.”

My eyes widened. I would have never felt comfortable asking someone such a personal question, but it was like Damion knew that I was thinking about it, and he answered anyway.

“There was never any real ‘coming out’ moment. We’ve always been extremely close, to the point where we knew each other as well as we knew ourselves, so the moment I realized that I was gay, he did too.”

“And being Donny, he was supportive.’ I said, because I knew that there was no way he wouldn’t have been.

“Precisely.”

“That’s awesome.” I told him honestly. He gestured to my plate.

“Eat.”

During my next three bites, I thought long and hard about all the questions I wanted to ask him next. During that time, Damion finished his own meal, and drained half of his glass of water.

I took a sip of my own, and swished it around in my mouth as I thought.

“Why did you become a firefighter?”

“These aren’t the types of questions I’d imagined you’d ask.” Damion said, and I bit my lip.

“Are they bad?”

“No. On the contrary, I’m enjoying them.” He tapped a finger against his chin. “Becoming a firefighter was just apart of the natural order of things for me. Growing up, I loved everything to do with fire men, fire trucks, the fire station, fire hydrants, you name it. Usually, kids break out of phases like that, but for some reason I never did.

Donny says it’s because I have a one track mind, and I suppose he’s right. Once I’d decided at the tender age of five, that to was going to fight fires, that was that.“

“Is it everything you thought it would be?”

“Better.” He said simply, and I because it was so simple, it somehow made the whole thing sound even more meaningful. Jason said that when you loved something, there was no rhyme or reason, it was just there, and that’s how you knew for sure that it was real.

That was how I felt about Damion and Happy, so I knew that that was real too.

I took my next three bites, then stared at him for a while. I wanted more than anything to ask about his parents, and why he never talked about them, but I got the strong feeling that if I did, it would ruin the mood, and I liked this new smiling Damion too much to do that.

“What do you think it means to love someone?”

“Now that’s a tough one.” Damion shook his head. “To tell you the truth, I don’t really know, but I think that when you’re caught up in that type of emotion, you can’t escape from it. Their pain is your pain, their happiness is your happiness, and no matter how much time has passed, it might fade, but it never goes away.

There were no smiles this time. His was all serious as he told me his thoughts, and I realized that for him, love was a serious topic. It wasn’t something floating and silly like the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, or rainbows in the sky, or fireflies in a jar.

“Is that why you’re afraid to fall in love? Because it feels like being trapped?” I whispered.

His eyes met mine. “If something terrible happens to someone you love, that torment and pain is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. You realize that, right?”

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I turned to my food and took another bite. In my mind, love was like the most perfect dream. It was like running through a flower field on a nice warm day. It was like a bubble of happy feelings trapped inside your chest.

It was like rain and sunshine and good smells. It was like shooting stars and laughter, and cotton candy, but Damion was right. Sometimes it was dark and painful. Most times it was that feeling of longing and depression, tears and helplessness.

Every time I thought about Damion, I felt all those things; the good and the bad.

I set down my fork. “I don’t want anymore.”

This time Damion didn’t argue. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a small packet and handed it to me. My pills.

I threw out two into my hand, and took them with the cold water.

“You can ask me anything too.” I said. “I’ll be honest. I promise.”

The truth was, I wanted him to ask me something. It would mean that he was interested in hearing what I had to say too.

Damion looked at me for a very long time after that. It was like he was searching me face for something, but I had no idea what that could be.

“I just have one question.” He said, and I felt my stomach do a little flip, like it did whenever I was nervous.

“Alright.” I said, then waited. Damion looked me in the eyes, as serious as ever, and nodded slowly. I thought for sure he was going to ask about what had happened with Leo, but he surprised me when he didn’t.

His question was simple. “Are you okay?”

I thought about the words that sounded so simple, then thought about the person who was asking the question. Damion didn’t waste his words. He didn’t even talk unless he had something meaningful to say. It was one of the things I really liked about him. It was one of the things I respected about him.

It was the reason why I knew that the question wasn’t random, and it wasn’t simple. He genuinely wanted to know the answer.

So I took it seriously. I sat there, and I thought about myself and everything that had happened, and the way I’d been feeling for a long time.

“No.” I said, looking into his serious eyes. “I don’t think I am.”

My voice didn’t shake, and for once there were no tears. I realized then, that it was because I had reached that point. I guessed most people called it their limit, or their breaking point, or whatever. To me, it was just that point where everything good, bad and ugly had built up. Kind of like a big ball that was stuck somewhere deep in my chest, that couldn’t grow anymore, and couldn’t deflate either.

It was all just there, and all the emotions, the stress and bad thoughts were stuck with nowhere to go. It was weird not being able to cry to let it all out. I didn’t even feel sad either. I just felt very very full; like I was about to burst, but something wouldn’t let me.

“I think, maybe I need a hug.” I said, then peeked up at him through my lashes. “If that’s okay with you.” I finished.

Without a word, Damion’s big arms wrapped around me.

……………………………………..

Damion was talking to Monte. They’d been in his study for about twenty minutes talking about who knew what, and the longer I waited, the more nervous I became. I hadn’t gotten the chance to see her yet. When we’d gotten home from Damion’s work place, I’d told him that I was ready to talk to her, and he’d called her for me.

When he’d let her inside, they had gone straight to his study. So, I had no idea what her expression looked like. I didn’t know if she would be mad, or disappointed or sad, or anything. I’d already paced the room about a hundred times, and just when I thought for sure that I couldn’t wait any longer, I heard the door to Damion’s study open, and the clicking of her shoes against his floors.

My heart was flying in my chest. I clamped my hands together tightly, and waited for her to turn the corner, and when she finally appeared, I froze. Her eyes were red and puffy, like she had been crying for days, and her cheeks were red and raw, like she had been rubbing them nonstop.

For once, she didn’t wear makeup, and that was usually something that she had to put on even if she was going on a short walk to the grocery store. I watched her as she rubbed her swollen nose with a piece of tissue, then bit my lip when she finally looked up and saw me.

“Cam.” She half squeaked, half whispered, then all at once, her face crumpled, and she was flinging herself into my arms. “I’m so sorry.” She sobbed into my shoulder over and over again. Suddenly, I felt ashamed that I had thought for even a second, that she would have been mad at me.

Monte was always on my side; no matter what. When her arms tightened around me, my arms tightened around her, and I listened for a long time as she sobbed and apologized, until finally, when she had let out pretty much everything inside of her, she pulled away.

I took her hand and pulled her toward the couch, where we sat. Her eyes filled with water again when she looked at my face. Then, she reached up with shaking hands, and traced the bruises there. “My poor Cam.” She said. “Look what he did to you. My poor baby.”

Then she cried some more, and I felt all the love inside of me, that wasn’t reserved for Damion, clog my chest, and my pores, and I hugged her as hard as I could, because I had been so very afraid that I would have lost her over this.

She was like a mother, a best friend, a mentor, a nurse and a sister to me. All those amazing things rolled up in one neat little package, that was my Monte. I was beyond grateful that she still cared.

“I’m okay Monte.” I said, but she shook her head, blinked a few times, and took hold of my arms to scan the bruises there too.

“You’re not okay.  I had no idea.” She choked out. “I had no idea what kind of person he…” she took a deep, shaky breath.

“I’ll be okay.”

“All this time, I just thought you hadn’t warmed up to him yet. All those times you left the room whenever he came over, and how you would go quiet every time I brought up his name.” she said. “I should have known. I should have known what he was capable of. I should have known to be more careful.” Another sob broke lose, and I took her hands in mine.

“He’s your boyfriend. He’s the first person you ever really gave a chance.”

Monte frowned, and I saw the anger in her eyes. “He’s an abusive, disgusting jackass, who’s never coming anywhere near us again. I hope he rots.” She said, but I could still see the hurt in her eyes, because even after everything, it didn’t change the fact that she had loved him; that she still loved him.

It was like Damion had said; love didn’t just disappear. It stayed with you forever.

“I’m so glad you’re not mad at me Monte.” I whispered, as she continued to trail her fingers gently over my face. “I’m so glad you don’t hate me.”

She shook her head, then wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

“What do I have to be mad at you about? And there’s nothing in this world that could ever make me hate you Cam. We’re family, you know that. You will always come before anybody in the world.”

I nodded, an she continued; “Look what he did to your beautiful face.” she whispered. “He didn’t…tell me he didn’t—”

“No.” I interrupted her. “Damion saved me Monte. He was right there when I needed him the most, just like he always is. He came and rescued me.” I said. “Like in the fairytales.”

Monte smiled her watery smile as she watched me, then she hugged me close once again. “And I’m so grateful for your prince charming Cam. I’m so grateful he was there for you.”

“Me too. I told you he’s amazing.” I said, grinning wide because I couldn’t help myself, and it made me happy that she smiled too; through the tears and all.

“I was wrong.” She said. “He even sat me down and interrogated me before he let me see you, just to make sure I didn’t really know about Leo. He seems to really care about you.” She reached up, and tried to fix my hair, like she always did.

“Do you really think so? Do you think he really cares about me?”

She nodded. “I don’t think he would do all he’s done for you, if he didn’t.” she said. “You’re a lucky boy Cameron.”

And just like that, the uncomfortable ball of emotion and stress in my chest, got a little bit smaller.

“But you should still be careful. You know that right?” she asked, and I nodded. “Because he’s still only human, and human’s make mistakes. So, you make sure to look out for yourself, and if you ever feel even a little bit unsure about anything at all, you better tell me.”

“I will.”

“Are you hurt anywhere else?”

I nodded, then lifted up my shirt so she could see my other bruises. “And some a little bit lower too.”

Monte bit her lips, and sniffled. “You’re such a sweet boy. You don’t deserve this. Why do they always hurt you, when you’re so gentle?” she asked. “Do you think you can talk about what happened yet?”

I shook my head. “No.”

Monte nodded, wiped at her falling tears, then took a deep breath. “You know you can always talk to me Cam. I wish you had told me how you felt about Leo, instead of keeping it to yourself. If I had known…”

“I just wanted you to be happy.” I told her honestly, and she frowned, and looked at me the way she always did when she was getting ready to lecture me.

“Don’t for a minute, think that my happiness is more important than your feelings. If something doesn’t feel right, you need to come to me and let me know. You hear me?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to get you a lawyer, and when the time comes, you are going to do what she tells you, because he’s not getting away with it, you got that?” She was trying to be tough, but her voice was shaking, so I hugged her.

“I love you Cam. Don’t you ever forget it.”

“I love you too.”

“Oh!” she pulled away, and picked up her purse from the floor where she had dropped it. I watched as she dug around inside it for a minute, then pulled out a package. “Here. Damion told me last time that your phone got smashed when…” she cleared her throat. “Anyway, I got this for you, so we can keep in touch.”

I pulled the rectangular box out of the small bag, and slowly began to pull it open.

“Damion says you want to stay here for awhile, and I completely get that. I understand how the thought of going back home after everything must feel.” She said. “I’m looking for a new apartment for us though. It’ll be somewhere far away from where we live now, so you’ll feel nice and safe. Then you’ll be able to come back home.”

I nodded, then looked up at her in shock when I saw the phone. “Monte, this is expensive.” I said, and she smiled; a sad looking smile.

“You deserve something nice for once.” She said.

“But you’ve been trying to save and stuff, and this costs a lot of money.”

She shook her head. “Stop worrying so much. I want you to have it, otherwise I wouldn’t have bought it, right?” she said. “You just make sure you call me every day, doesn’t matter how often or what time, and I’m going to be coming over to visit you a lot too.”

I grinned. “Thanks so much Monte.”

“Just make sure you get yourself a phone case, because we both know how you are with breakable things.”

I giggled. “I will.”

“I heard you went to the doctor.”

I nodded.

“Did they prescribe any medication or anything? I can pick up whatever you need at the pharmacy, and bring it by.”

“Damion got me everything.” I told her.

“Okay, good. Is there anything you need? I could bring over some groceries, or I could come cook you dinner everyday after work.”

I smiled. “I’m fine, I promise.”

Monte shook her head, but she was smiling as she looked at me. “He really is a prince charming isn’t he?”

I nodded. “Just like in the fairytales.”

“Well you know exactly how I feel about fairytales, so you make sure, you’re not one of those other princesses. You have to be like those snow ones who can take care of themselves too.”

She was dead serious, but I giggled.

“You mean the ones from Frozen?”

She nodded. “Whatever you call it. You take care of you, no matter how charming your prince  may be.”

I grinned. “I will. I promise. “

“And I told you not to drink anymore soda. Now you have a tiny bump forming right there.” She said, pointing to my chin. I could easily see what she was doing; trying to switch to a lighter topic so she wouldn’t cry, but when she met my eyes again, her tears came anyway, and finally, so did mine.

There we sat, in Damion’s living room, crying our eyes out, because that’s just what we did best, and for once, it was okay.

……………………………………….

When Monte left, it was night time, and I was feeling really happy inside. We had talked, laughed and cried for hours, and somehow I was feeling refreshed. My head felt clear, and my heart felt guilt-free. During all that time, Damion had kept his distance. I hadn’t even heard him around the house or anything. I was so thankful to him for giving us our time together.

He was so thoughtful. He was just always so perfect. In the kitchen, I poured myself a glass of water, then turned out all the lights downstairs, before carefully climbing up the stairs. I was due for another pill, so a lot of me was throbbing.

When I pushed the bedroom door and stepped in, Damion stepped out of the bathroom, and I felt the comforting heat that exited with him. He’d just had his shower, so he had a damp towel wrapped around the lower half of his body, and I got to look at the rest.

I wondered what it would feel like to walk around with all that muscle. Could he somehow feel all his strength when he walked, or did he just feel the way I did; normal?

“You’re staring.” I heard him say, and when I looked at his face, and realized that he was smiling, I felt my face go hot.

I walked around to my side of the bed and sat, then set down my glass of water, and my new phone on the nightstand. When I picked up the packet and dropped two pills into my hand, he spoke again.

“Did everything go well with Monte?”

I smiled, and turned to look at him. “Yeah. She wasn’t mad at me or anything.”

“I told you she wouldn’t be.”

“Yeah, and she got me a phone. Look?” I picked it up, and held it up for him to see. He smiled again.

“That’s great. I’m glad it all went well.”

“Me too.”

“I’m going to grab something to eat downstairs. Are you hungry?”

I shook my head. “I ate when Monte was here.”

I watched as he pulled his shirt over his head, then when I’d taken the pill, and drained my water, he took my glass, and left.

I lay back on the bed for a while, and closed my eyes as I thought about the day I’d had. I would probably remember it for a long time. The way all my stress and fears had just floated away as I talked to Monte, and that feeling of relief I’d had when I realized that she wasn’t mad at me. It had been nice laughing again too. It had been a long time since I’d done that.

I sighed. The longer I lay there, more and more, the throbbing faded away, until it was just a dull feeling under my skin. I got up, pulled off my clothes, and hopped into the shower, knowing that pretty soon, I would fall asleep.

Ever since ‘that day’ I’d been falling asleep really early. Not that it helped though, since I woke up about fifty times a night from nightmares; most of them I couldn’t even remember, but I woke up with my heart flying and my face sweaty, so I figured that was what they were.

Going to sleep didn’t scare me though, because every time I woke up, Damion was right there.

Nothing was scary was Damion was around.

……………………………..

I was half asleep when Damion finished putting on the ointment for me, but when he pulled the blanket around my shoulders, and sat in the chair, I sat up with a frown.

“How come you don’t sleep on the bed anymore?” I asked him.

“I just want you to be comfortable.” Was his simple answer.

“Isn’t it uncomfortable staying in the chair all night?”

“I don’t,” he said, “I usually sleep in the other room when you fall asleep.”

“I like it when you sleep beside me. You’re warm.” I told him, then because he didn’t say anything, I held out a hand. “If you want to…” I trailed off.

It took him about a minute, but then he was climbing onto the bed with me, and I was turning around to face him. I knew that there was a big smile on my face, but I just couldn’t help it.

Damion clapped twice and the lights went out.

“Goodnight Damion.” I said.

“Goodnight Cam.”

The light from the moon was streaming in through the curtains, so I glanced up at the ceiling, where I could just sort of make out the dream catcher that was hanging up there. When we had gotten home from his work place in the day, I’d watched as he had hammered a hook into the ceiling and hung the small dream catcher onto it.

“To catch your bad dreams.” He’d said, with no further explanation or any form of excitement, but my heart had melted then, and as I watched it hanging above me, it melted again.

I didn’t think Damion knew just how easy it was to love him. I thought about how he had probably turned down so many people who had fallen in love with him, and I wondered just how many broken hearts were out there in the world. I wondered how they were managing without Damion in their lives.

Damion cared about me. That’s what Monte had said, and with everyday that I spent with him, I was starting to think that it was true. So, I hoped that in the end he would choose me, because I loved him more that all the others out there. I was sure of it.

                                                                     AUTHOR'S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

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-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 20: Our Vulnerabilities

Chapter 20

Damion

One thing was for certain; Cam’s sleeping habits hadn’t changed much in the three weeks that he had been absent from my bed. I was starting to accept the fact that his starfish mentality would never change.

He still somehow found a way to drape every part of his body over mine as he slept. His arms and my face had very quickly grown accustomed to each other throughout the night and the one time I’d worked up the energy to roll him carefully back over to his side of the bed, he’d unconsciously latched onto my arm and curled his body around it.

I was considering getting him a human sized pillow, just to see if it would make a difference, but I had a strong suspicion that it wouldn’t. It was as though the cells in his body somehow sensed that I was near and found every way possible to get close.

Too tired to do much more, I watched him for a while as he slept. This was the first night since his ordeal that he hadn’t been woken by a nightmare and I was grateful for it. With the early morning light streaming in through the curtains, I looked up to the ceiling where the dream catcher hung. I didn’t believe for one second that the thing could actually catch bad dreams, but I had hoped that its presence in the room would have a soothing effect on him. Maybe it had.

I glanced at his hands which were still bandaged after he’d somehow managed to accidentally slice them up with broken glass. I looked at his split lip and swollen, bruised eye. At some point between meeting him and the incident, I’d come to care about him.

I cared about his thoughts, his dreams and his eating habits. I cared about what he was feeling and whether he was hurting. I cared about what happened to him and what paths he would choose to take in life. At some point, I’d come to think of him as more than just a sub in training.

At some point, Cam had wormed his way into my head, and I had a feeling he would be staying there for a long time. I didn’t exactly know how to cope with that. I dropped a hand on my chest when I felt it begin to tighten, and took several deep breaths.

“Fuck.” I whispered into the silence, and Cam curled tighter around my arm.

Taking responsibility for person’s well-being was a serious thing, but when that person was as broken as Cam was, it came with complications. I could admit to myself that I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that I could help him.

I knew without a doubt that therapy wasn’t working. He didn’t think he needed help and had only been attending because I had asked him to. Without that interest or motivation, I didn’t think he was going to get very far, no matter how good his therapist claimed to be.

An idea had been forming in my mind for awhile, and the more I thought about it, the more I began to believe that maybe it would have some effect. It would require the help of friends and family but I had no doubt that they would be on board with it. I only hoped that it would work.

“Damion?”

I glanced at him when his soft, sleep-filled voice broke the silence.

“Hmm?”

“Is it time to wake up now?” he freed my arm and rolled onto his back.

“No. Go back to sleep.” I urged him.

He rubbed his forehead, yawned and rolled back onto his side. I watched as he pulled his pillow in front of him and wrapped himself around it, then blinked up at me.

“I’m not tired anymore. How come you’re awake? There’s no sun out or anything.” He yawned again.

“Just thinking.”

“Oh.” He said. “How long have you been thinking?”

“Not too long.” I told him. “A few minutes.”

“Oh.” He bit his lip. “Do you always wake up early to think? I never noticed before.”

I smiled. “Sometimes.”

“Oh.” We lay there in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. “Do you want me to make you breakfast?”

Again, I smiled. “No. Are you hungry?”

“No.”

I knew him well enough to know what he wanted to ask, but was afraid to.

“Come here.” I beckoned to him. When he inched closer, I pulled him towards me and wrapped my arms around him. “Do you want to know what I was thinking about?”

He nodded against my chest. “Yes please.”

“I’ve been thinking about whether therapy is helping you at all.” I said. “What do you think?”

He titled his head so he could see my face. “The lady’s nice, but I don’t feel any different.”

“Do you know why I asked you to go?”

“Because there’s something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” I assured him. “You’ve just been through a lot and everyone needs a little help sometimes.”

“Okay.”

I could tell he didn’t believe me.

I’m serious Cam. A lot of people have hurt you and it’s good to have someone to talk to about these things. That’s the reason I asked you to go. It’s good to have an outlet sometimes.“

This time he nodded without a word.

“Do you want to stop going?” I asked him. He turned his eyes to my chest and began fidgeting with a button on my shirt.

“You’ll get mad if I say yes.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“But you think it’s important.” He continued. “And you want me to go.”

“The fact is, I should have asked you first. I want you to be comfortable making your own decisions. You’re the only one who should have the right to make decisions that affect you.”

Cam continued fidgeting with the button.

“Look at me please.” I asked, and he once again titled his head. “Do you want to go or don’t you? Let’s be honest.”

He dropped his forehead to my chest and mumbled into my clothes. “I don’t want to go.”

“Okay. I’ll let her know later today.”

“What will she say when you tell her?

I smiled. “I don’t know. I’m sure she’ll wish you well.”

I watched him as he continued to play with the button in silence. In a few minutes he’d probably end up ripping it off accidentally, but as we lay there in the quietness of the early morning, he fell asleep again, and didn’t wake for another five hours.

………………………………..

“What are you painting?”

Cam looked up at me from where he lay on the living room floor with a small canvas and various assortments of brushes and paints spread out in front of him.

“Happy.” He said. “I only just started, that’s why it doesn’t look like him yet.”

I glanced at the chair where Happy lay quietly watching us, and frowned.

“How’d you get him to sit still for this?”

Cam shrugged. “I just asked him to and he did.”

I looked back and fourth between them. I couldn’t remember a single time that that damn dog had listened to anything I’d ever said. Apparently his true master had arrived. I shook my head.

“What time’s Monte coming cover?”

“Um… in half an hour she said.” He looked me up and down. “Are you leaving now?”

“Yeah.” I pulled my keys from the tray in the center of the coffee table. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Call me if you need anything, alright?”

He nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you later then.”

He paused with his paintbrush poised over the canvas to watch me leave.

………………………..

The others were already there when I pulled into my brother’s driveway. I pulled the two bouquets of flowers off the front seat and handed the first one to Anna when she greeted me at the door.

I kissed her cheek and pulled the door closed behind me.

“Where is everybody?”

“They’re on the Patio.” She told me. “Is everything okay Damion? Your message was a bit cryptic and now you’ve got us all worried.”

“Everything’s fine.” I told her. “I’ll explain in a second. Where’s the little princess?”

“We sent her to my mother’s house when you called. Whatever you have to discuss sounded serious and we didn’t want any distractions.”

“It’s about Cam.” I told her as I handed her the second bouquet for my niece. “Let’s go talk with the others.”

Out on the patio, the guys sat around my brother’s rustic farm table drinking beer and for Tate, some sort of fruity concoction that Anna had no doubt whipped up. The conversation dried up when I took a seat, and I grinned at them.

“Relax guys. I’m not here to deliver bad news. I just need your help with something.”

Upon hearing his new friend’s name, Tate sat up and leaned toward me with eyes filled with concern.

“How is he Damion? Can I visit him yet or does he still get skittish with company over?”

“I’ll ask him if he’s up for it.” I said. “He seems to be doing better, but with Cam you can never really tell. One minute he can be screaming in terror and the next he’s in the pool teaching Happy how to swim. He’s good at pushing his feelings aside.”

Tate nodded. “I understand. That poor sweetheart. What can we do to help?”

“Actually that’s the reason I’m here. I need your help with him.”

Paul set down his bottle. “Anything. What’s up?”

I looked at each of the faces around me; Paul, Tate, Donny and Anna. These were the people I trusted above all others. These were the people I would be counting on to help Cam, who was broken in more ways than I even knew.

“As of today, Cam’s no longer in therapy.”

Donny frowned, and the other faces mirrored his expression.

“What do you mean? There’s no one in the world who needs therapy more than that kid.” Donny said.

“I agree, but it’s not working. He has no interest or motivation. He doesn’t even understand why he needs it, so it’s pointless.”

“Then explain to him that—”

“Donny, he thinks everything he’s been through is his fault. He doesn’t think he’s ever been hurt by anyone; not really. It doesn’t matter how many times I explain it to him. Words alone won’t work.”

“Then what will?” Paul interjected, and beside him Tate nodded; looking stricken and about as helpless as I felt.“

“We’re his friends and he trusts us. So, I think we might be the only ones who can help him.” I told them.

“Okay, how?” this from Anna.

“We teach him through our actions. We show him what’s right through our everyday interactions and we find a way to make him understand and learn from each lesson.”

“Okay.” Donny nodded. “Since you know him better than any of us, tell us how he thinks. Tell us what’s wrong.”

I sat back in my chair. “Well first off. He’ll trust anyone who treats him nice, and by nice I mean, if a stranger smiles at him on the street, he’s ready to give that stranger his life savings.”

“Aww. He’s so adorable.” Anna said with a smile, and the others looked at her as though she’d sprouted another head.

Donny sighed, and Anna rolled her eyes. “What?” she asked. “He is adorable. Do you know that people like him don’t exist anymore? He’s pure and innocent and it’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, well in this world, the pure and innocent are the first to be broken. If he continues like this, he’ll get seriously hurt.”

“I understand that, but it’s his personality. That’s not something that can be changed. How do you teach him not to be innocent? How do you teach him to guard his heart because people can be cruel?” Anna questioned. “He’s been hurt so many times already, so clearly that part of him won’t be easy to change.”

“I don’t want to change any part of him.” I told them firmly. “I just want him to understand his worth. I want him to know when someone’s hurting him and know that it’s not okay. I want him to understand that no means no and his wellbeing comes first.”

“All Cam wants to do is please people. He wants people to be nice to him and he cares more about them than he does himself. How do you change that without changing him?” Tate questioned. “You either want sweet, docile Cam or you want Cam with a backbone. How do we get an in-between?”

“Be kind to him.” I said. “Compliment him, show him that he’s important to you. Teach him what it means to stand up for himself. Don’t try to change him, just show him how it should be and eventually he’ll learn.” I said to them.

“Alright. What else?” Donny asked.

“He doesn’t like anything about himself. He can’t find a single thing that’s good about himself.”

“Oh no Damion.” Anna said.

I nodded. “He thinks the Dom’s the one in charge and the sub has no say. If he’s hurt during a scene, he thinks he’s at fault. He doesn’t use his safe word, and he looks to everyone else to make decisions for him.” I explained to them. “He’s trusting of everyone but he doesn’t speak up for himself because he’s afraid they’ll get mad and hurt him.”

“I think I might have an idea.” Tate said with a wide grin, and we all listened as he explained his plan.

“I think it could work.” I agreed.

“Same. I think we should all tackle different things. It’ll have a greater impact on him if we each have something in particular to focus on.” Donny added his two cents, and the others were quick to agree.

“I’ll focus on pain.” Tate said. “Anything to do with subs being in control and safe words and deciding when enough is enough. Paul can help me out with that too.”

“Well in that case, I’ll do self worth. I think I’ve got a couple ideas on how to help him.” Donny said.

“And I’ll go for self esteem. I’ll help him find something he likes about himself someway somehow.” Anna chipped in.

“Then I’ll work with him on everything else.” I said. “I really appreciate this guys.”

“It’s Cam. He deserves to be happy.” Anna said, and the others nodded in agreement.

“I hope we can help him.” I murmured.

“We’ll figure it out Damion. Don’t worry.” Anna was quick to give assurances, and I was grateful to her and the others for their willingness to help.

I stuck around for another hour, and during that time we hashed out the details of some of our ideas, and spoke at length on our observations in relation to Cam, during the time that we had known him. It was an insightful discussion, and their enthusiasm was welcome.

I wondered if Cam realized just how quickly they had come to care for him. I wondered if he realized the impact he had on people on a daily basis.

“Can we talk a minute?” Donny asked when I finally said my goodbyes and stood to go. With a nod, I followed him into the house and down the hall to his home office.

He flipped on the light switch and closed the door behind us when we entered. When I took a seat on his couch, he pulled up a chair and sat it in front of me, then I watched him as he took a seat, ran a hand over his face, then met my gaze.

“What’s going on?” I asked. The seriousness of his expression was unsettling.

When he just sat there looking at me like a kicked puppy, I frowned.

“Just spit it out Donny. What is it?”

“You’re not gonna like it.”

“This sounds serious.” I hedged when I felt an uncomfortable sensation travel down my spine.

“It is.”

I clasped my hands in front of me without a word.

He sighed. “Last week I went to the hospital for a check up and—”

I was shaking my head before he could continue. “I can’t hear this.” I said, and stood so fast that the room spun. I felt the ball of fear and worry settle deep into my chest as I stepped away from him and toward to door.

“Damion! Would you calm down and let me finish?” Donny’s voice sounded somewhere behind me.

This was why loving people wasn’t worth it. This was why I sometimes I wished there was an off switch to these emotions. When I touched the door knob, my hand was shaking. I didn’t want to hear whatever he was about to tell me.

I didn’t want to deal with the emotional turmoil of potentially losing him to some terminal illness. Not like it had been with dad. I never wanted to have to deal with something like that again. Not my brother.

Suddenly I felt betrayed by Anna, who had accepted my flowers with a happy smile when she had known something was wrong with him.

I turned the knob, fully prepared to walk out of the room and leave him to his terrible confession; as though running away from this would somehow change whatever it was that was wrong with him.

“I can’t do this again.” I said when he slammed the door shut and spun me to face him.

“Do what again? Stop overreacting and go sit down. Jesus.”

“I don’t want to hear it Donny.” I said, and like a child I wanted to place my hands over my ears and block out any and everything he wanted to say.

He took me by the shoulders and led me back to the couch, the placed his chair directly in front of mine so I couldn’t escape again. He frowned at me and I frowned at him as we stared at each other.

“I thought you’d gotten over this.” He said. “I didn’t realize the thought of me being sick still affected you this way. I thought all that therapy you did years ago helped you.”

“Does Anna know?” I asked him; my voice shaking. “Why is she out there laughing and acting like everything’s okay if you’re…if you’re….” I couldn’t even say it.

Donny sighed. “There’s nothing for her to know Damion. If you’d just let me finish you’d realize that you’re overreacting right now when this has nothing to do with me.”

It was like being underwater. I could hear his voice but his words didn’t make any sense. I leaned forward and dropped my forehead onto his knee. His hand immediately came up to rest on the back of my head.

“Jesus. You’re shaking.”

I was scared. “I don’t wanna to know, just fix it.” I urged him.

“I saw David at the hospital. Turns out he’s dying and he asked to see you. That’s what I wanted you to know. I’m perfectly fine and healthy. I swear.”

I glanced up at him. “You’re lying.”

“I swear I’m not. I went there for a checkup and saw Angene in the lobby as I was leaving. She told me he’s got cancer and I went to his room to see him.” He said. “He looks pretty bad Damion, and he doesn’t have much time left.”

I sat up slowly. “Are you saying you’re okay?”

Donny sighed. “Yes. I’m okay.”

“And you’re not just saying that?”

He chuckled. “I’m serious.” I felt all the energy drain out of me, and I slumped back on the couch in relief. It was like getting a burn out after an adrenaline rush.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you.” I told him with a hand over my heart.

He laughed. “You should have let me finish.”

I leaned over and smacked him in the side of his head.

“Next time don’t lead with ‘I went to to hospital for a check up’ asshole.” I growled, and he dodged me when I tried to smack him again.

“How was I supposed to know you’d lose your shit?”

I released a breath and held up my hands for him to see that they were still shaking. “You’re a fucking dick. I thought you were dying or something.”

Donny grinned. “Well at least I know you’ll cry at my funeral.”

I glared at him. “Don’t even joke about that.”

“But for real though Damion. I thought you’d gotten over your anxiety. It’s still as serious as before.”

I took a deep breath and stood, forcing him to push his chair back and out of my way.

“I’m leaving.”

“David asked to see you. Come on Damion. This might be your last chance to see him. He’s family.” He said. When I reached the door, I turned to look at him with a frown.

“He’s not family. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen his face over the years. Even when dad died and we begged him to…” I trailed off and shook my head. “I’ll see you later. Thanks again for deciding to help Cam.”

Minutes later I was seated in my car, and I took a few moments just to breathe. I could already feel the onset of a headache, and I ran a hand over my forehead as I tried to clear my thoughts.

“Damnit Donny.” I cursed quietly. It had been a while since I’d felt that kind of stark fear. I thought I’d been over it, but the entire experience had shaken me to the core. I stayed in my brother’s driveway for about a good ten minutes, before I finally turned the key in the ignition and backed out.

Instead of my usual news station, I put the music on blast to drown out my thoughts as I drove; turning it down only when I pulled into a drive thru to grab some dinner before heading home.

I was surprised at how quiet the place was when I entered. I’d expected to hear Cam and Monte laughing up a storm as soon as I walked through the door. Instead, Happy came prancing down the hall to greet me. Or maybe he came to greet to food that I held in my hands.

“Hi.”

I glanced up when I set the bags on the counter to see Cam standing in the doorway. He did a little shy wave and I nodded in acknowledgment.

“Where’s Monte?”

Cam inched closer. “She left early because she had to go to work.”

I nodded. “Are you hungry? I bought burgers.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat a burger.” He continued to inch closer, until he was pressed up against the counter, watching as I pulled the food from the bags.

“it’s not really my thing but sometimes it’s just easier.” I explained.

“I like burgers and fries.” He replied. “And strawberry and chocolate milkshakes.”

I smiled. “Then it’s a good thing I’ve got both.” I pushed the two milkshake toward him.

“Which one do you prefer?” he asked as he looked down at the cups.

“No preference. I like both.”

He snagged the strawberry and stabbed the cap with a straw, before taking a sip.

When I pulled out a stool and sat, he did the same, and for a while we ate in silence. I was just grateful that he was finally eating something.

Happy, who usually made a racket whenever I ate without him, sat quietly by the stove chewing contentedly on a stuffed animal that had seen better days. it was crazy just how much the little devil had changed since Cam’s arrival.

“Are you okay?”

I glanced at Cam when he spoke, and nodded.

“You don’t seem okay.” He said.

“Don’t I?”

He shook his head. “Something kinda seems off a little bit…I think.”

I opened my mouth to reply, fully prepared to go with one of my generic answers, then I looked at him, and something in his eyes stopped me. I couldn’t say exactly what it was. I didn’t know if it was the sincerity, the worry, the genuine interest or something else entirely in his gaze that gave me pause. But for once, I didn’t want to say that I was okay when I wasn’t.

For whatever reason I wanted Cam to know what I was feeling and how the events of the day had shaken me so severely, that I couldn’t hide it; not even from him. I replaced the french fry I had been about to eat and dusted off my salty hands with a napkin. He was silent as he watched me.

“Something happened today.” I told him. “I thought Donny was going to give me bad news about his health and I just…it was like I just shut down. I couldn’t handle it.”

“Is he okay?” Cam asked; his eyes as wide as saucers.

“He’s fine.” I said. “But in that moment when the fear set in, I wished I didn’t know him. I wished he wasn’t my brother, because then I wouldn’t have to feel like my entire world was ending.”

“What did you do?” he asked gently; a hand on my arm.

“He told me he’d been to the doctor for a checkup and he looked so serious that I thought he’d gotten some bad news. Instead of choosing to hear him out, I decided that I just didn’t want to know.” I said. “Suddenly it felt like if I knew what was wrong it would make it real and I didn’t want it to be real, so I tried to leave.”

“You must really love him.”

“He’s my brother.” I said simply. “I don’t have much of a choice.”

“If you had a choice, would you choose not to love him?” he asked. I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them, I had to blink away the moisture that had formed.

“Yeah.” I whispered honestly. “Loving people only ends in pain and I don’t think I can handle that kind of pain Cam.”

I looked at my hands, and realized that they had begun to shake.

“I know it’s selfish, and I didn’t expect to react that way. I thought I’d moved past that.”

Cam slipped a hand into mine, and I turned to look at him.

“I don’t think it’s selfish. I just think it’s human.” He said. “If I thought I might lose somebody I love, I’d probably react even worse than that, but if you’re afraid of love, it just ruins all the magic Damion.”

“The magic?” I asked, rubbing my eyes with the the fingers of my free hand.

“Yeah. Love is magic, don’t you know that?”

I frowned. “I don’t think—”

“It’s like everything good rolled up in one, and when you feel it really really deeply, it makes you feel like you can fly even. It’s the most perfect, magical thing in the world.” He explained. “And because of that, it doesn’t matter that it comes with bad stuff too because you can see past all the bad stuff. But because you’re afraid of it, you’re missing out on everything.”

I shook my head. “You’re talking about a fairytale Cam. This is real life.”

Cam grinned like he knew a secret that I didn’t. “I am talking about real life. That’s how love feels when you’re not afraid.”

I stared into his warm, gentle eyes for so long, that for just one fraction of a second, when all rational thought escaped me, I found myself wondering if he could be right, but just as quickly, reality set in, and I pulled my hand from his.

“You love and you get hurt.” I said adamantly.

“You love and you’ll be happy.” He countered, and it was the first time I’d ever seen such complete certainty in his eyes.

                                                                AUTHOR’S NOTES

When I was rereading this I realized just how rushed it sounds. I contemplated pushing back the posting date for a few days to edit it a bit to slow the pace, but you guys have waited so long that I decided against it. 

Please don’t massacre me. I promise i’ll give you a better quality chapter next time I upload, so please bear with me. <3 

Thanks for reading.

Follow me on instagram at doublezone_books for updates, sneak peeks , posting dates and more.

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Chapter 21: Donut Therapy

Chapter 21

I’d been on an hour-long conference call and we hadn’t gotten through even half of the agenda yet. If it wasn’t Donny and James debating about every tiny detail that they didn’t agree on, then it was Paul who was bringing up news of the expansion, which hadn’t even been on the agenda to start with. I was frustrated to say the least.

“I don’t have time to go to Chicago in the near future.” I said to the men on the line. “I have too much to do here.”

“Well there’s no rush to expand. We’ll keep searching until we find what we’re looking for. James and I are thinking of going out next week, so we’ll make some calls and visit a few of the sites while we’re there.” Paul was saying.

“What are your thoughts on the Offer Circular?” Donny finally chimed in. “We still haven’t discussed that and the deadline is approaching.”

“Selling for less than the last trading price is ridiculous.” I said. “There’s no way the shareholders will budge.”

“And if you’re wrong and they sell, then what? Once they get the company they’re planning to delist from the stock exchange. Our shares will be useless in a private company.” Donny said.

“The fact that they’ve already given an extension is a good indication that not many people are taking up the offer.” I countered. “We just have to decide whether we’re willing to risk it.”

I glanced up when the door to my study slowly swung open and Cam poked his head in. He never interrupted me while I was in here. I waved him in, and he stepped in with his phone held out in front of him like it was contagious. His mouth was set in a miserable frown and his eyes were red as though he had been rubbing them.

There was a quiet echo coming from somewhere in the room and it took me a second to realize that it was coming from the phone he held. I gestured for him to come closer, and when he was standing on the other side of the desk he held the phone out to me.

“Or we hash it out in court. I don’t like their tactics. “James was saying. “They’re—”

“Gentlemen.” I said, and James paused. “Something just came up. I’ll have to call you back.”

I ended the call and took the phone from Cam with a frown. When it was only halfway to my ear, I could easily hear the words of the female speaker (or shouter in this case).

“…can’t do this to him. You’re about to ruin a good man’s life and for what?” I listened to her rambling. “Leo is a good man and just because he rejected you, it doesn’t give you the right to make these accusations. Just move on and tell everyone the truth because he—”

“Who is this?” I interrupted, and the woman on the line sputtered and went silent.

“I hope you realize that this is harassment and that in itself is actionable.” I told her. “We wouldn’t want to get the police involved more than they already are.”

“Well you tell Cameron that—”

“Listen to me carefully,” I began. “I’m not a patient man and I have no interest in listening to your story, so do us both a favor and lose this number.” I finished and almost immediately the line went dead.

I glanced at the number on the screen; grabbed a pen and jotted it down on the corner of my note pad, before handing the phone back to Cam. He looked distraught, and was clearly on the verge of tears, but I could see that he was fighting to hold them at bay.

“Who is she?” I asked. He swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths before speaking.

“She said she’s Leo’s sister. She’s very upset.” He explained.

“I noticed.” I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my chin in thought. “Is this the first time she’s called?”

He hesitated before answering; his eyes turning wary. I had my answer before his next words even left his mouth.

“She called me one time before but I didn’t really talk to her or anything.” Came his mumbled reply. It had been a week since Monte had given him his replacement phone, and already he was being harassed. It would have been better if he’d also changed his number.

“Don’t answer next time she calls and maybe it would be best not to answer numbers you aren’t familiar with going forward.” I said. “This is only the beginning.”

“Damion?” he said, looking troubled.

“I don’t want to go through with the trial and all that stuff. I just want to move on now.”

I regarded him silently for a while, and when he began to fidget, I gestured to the chair beside him. “Have a seat Cam.”

“I know this is a difficult and uncomfortable situation. I know its scary, and what you went through isn’t something anyone should ever have to go through.” I said. “I wish I could tell you to just let it go and move on with your life. I also wish I could tell you to go ahead and testify and throw the asshole behind bars.”

Cam looked at me with his big searching eyes; waiting for my answer.

“But I’m not going to tell you what to do this time. I’ll respect whatever you decide to do.”

Cam nodded quickly; looking relieved. “I can say it was just an accident.” He said with a wide smile; as though all his prayers had been answered and his life would finally go back to the way it was.

“Before making any decision; we should look at the pros and cons first, right?” I asked, and after a moment’s hesitation, he nodded. “Give me your list of pros and I’ll give you mine.”

I smiled when he held up his pinky finger. “Leo’s sister won’t call me anymore and she’ll be happy. I won’t feel stressed out anymore and I won’t have to go to the trial.” He raised a finger after each one. “I can just go back to how things used to be and I won’t have to see Leo’s again and I’ll be happier.” He finished with a small smile.

“My pros; things might feel easier for a while. You won’t have to potentially deal with a long drawn-out trial. Maybe no one will bother you anymore.” I finished. “What about the cons?”

“Monte will be mad because she wants me to go through with it.” He said and passed the figurative baton over to me.

“My cons; you’ll have to go down to the station and change your statement. They officers will think you lied then or that you’re lying now. You can charge you for lying to officers of the law during the course of an investigation; it might be a misdemeanor charge but a charge nonetheless.” I told him, and his eyes widened. “If you change your statement in support of Leo’s, he can sue you for accusing him in the first place on the grounds of defamation.

“If Leo goes free, he might do it again to someone else. The next person he does this to, unlike you, may not have someone to come to his or her rescue, and finally, Leo won’t learn his lesson, so he’ll go around thinking he did nothing wrong and that he can get away with anything.” When Cam only stared at me in silence, I leaned forward.

“Now that we’ve hashed out some of the pros and cons, what will you decide?”

I watched as he covered his face with his hands and began to shake. I pushed up from the desk and went to kneel beside him; running my hand up and down his back as he cried.

“You already have your answer Cam. I know you’re scared, but you have a lot of people on your side. There’s Monte, Donny, Anna, Paul, Tate and you know I’m always here for you. So let’s just get through it together, and if it’s overwhelming, you’ve got us to help you through it.”

Cam drew in a shaky breath, but didn’t remove his hands from his face.

“I just want things to be normal now. I don’t want to people to be mad at me. I don’t want to see Leo again or talk in the courthouse in front of people.”

“I know you don’t” I said. “But this won’t last forever. Soon it’ll be over and you can move on.”

He took another deep breath, then finally let his hands drop. His face was wet with his tears, and his eyes were red and bloodshot. He lifted the tail-end of his shirt to wipe his face.

“I didn’t mean to disturb your meeting. I just…she wouldn’t stop and I didn’t want to hang up on her and make her even more mad, and—”

“I know. It’s okay. It wasn’t that important anyway.” I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was already 4:00 in the evening, and I hadn’t even had lunch yet. I’d been cooped up in the study all day, taking calls and drafting paperwork.

“Have you eaten?” I asked him and he nodded. “Do you mind making me a sandwich?” I asked, because I knew it would cheer him up, and like clockwork, a smile lit up his face. Any mention of helping me out and he always acted as though I’d offered him the world.

“Do you want a ham sandwich, or turkey or—”

“Surprise me.” I said, interrupting him, and he beamed at me briefly, before hopping out of the chair and leaving the room. The ease with which he could switch between his emotions still managed to surprise me.

I glanced at the papers littering my desk and sighed before picking up my phone and dialing Anna’s number. She answered after one ring.

“Hey sweetie. What’s up?” she asked; her voice as bright and as chirpy as always.

“Are we still on for later?”

“Absolutely. I added your names to the list, so all you need to do is show up, and I already paid so just go right in.”

“You didn’t have to—” I began and she cut me off.

“I know, but I wanted to. Cam’s my friend too and I want to help him in any way I can.”

“Thanks Anna. I’ll call you when we’re leaving out.”

“Alright sweetie. I’ll see you later.”

As soon as the call ended, I sent a quick text to Donny, letting him know that I wouldn’t be rejoining the conference call and stepped out into the hallway; closing the study door behind me.

Out in the kitchen, Cam was humming a tune I’d never heard before, while Happy yapped excitedly at his feet. I watched from the door way, as Cam flitted about the kitchen with the confidence of a master chef, even though he couldn’t even boil water.

I grinned when he began to explain to Happy the importance of washing the tomatoes even though they came directly from the fridge. You wouldn’t believe that this was the same guy who’d been sobbing in my study only a few short minutes before.

“I’m glad you love cooking so much, because tonight we’re going to a cooking class.” I told him, and he looked up, first in surprise, then his face flushed with pleasure.

“Really?”

“Yes really. Anna invited us.”

His smile blossomed. “Anna’s going to be there too?”

“Yes. Though I should tell you that it’s a part of a counselling program that she hosts for the hospital. She usually hosts group meetings with people of all ages, where they can go to discuss whatever matters are affecting their lives.” I said. “but she makes it interesting. Tonight she’s doing a cooking class to help the group to learn the value of team work.”

Cam smiled. “Anna’s so nice. Isn’t she? I bet everyone there loves her.”

I chuckled. I’m sure they do. It’s at six, so we’ll have to start getting ready soon.“

He nodded, then clapped a hand gently over his eye as though he’d forgotten that it was still bruised. “Should I wear my sunglasses to cover it?”

“No one will care Cam, and you can’t cook in sunglasses.”

He blushed, a deep attractive red, that made me want to touch his cheeks. I held back, and simply watched him work. He put together my turkey sandwich in record time, and set a tall glass of orange juice beside it.

“Thanks, it looks delicious.” I praised him, and of course, he beamed. I repeated myself when I took the first bite, and his eyes stayed glued to my face until I finished it all; including every last drop of the orange juice.

When I was done, he was adamant about cleaning the dishes, and I wondered if staying cooped up in the house all the time was making him bored.

“We can go out more often if you’d like.” I told him as we entered the living room together, but he shook his head, before reaching up to touch his bruised face. He was still insecure about it, and until it healed, I knew that there was absolutely nothing that I could say to change how he felt.

The moment he knelt down onto the carpet, Happy jumped into his lap. I watched as they played together for about an hour before we went to get ready.

“What kind of dress code is it? He asked when I stepped out of the shower. He was standing by the sink, rubbing some sort of face cream into his skin.

“Casual.” I said. He nodded seriously, then an instant later, he grinned at my reflection in the mirror.

“I’ve always wanted to go to a cooking class.” He said. “I’m really happy that Anna invited us. I wonder what we’ll be making. I can’t wait to tell Monte.”

I smiled and picked up my razor. These days he tended to watch me. Not only while I ate, but also while I sat relaxing by the pool, or reading a newspaper, or watching the television. Whenever I looked up, there he was staring at me as though he had to take his fill before I disappeared. Sometimes I found it disconcerting, at other times I found it endearing, and today I began to wonder just what it was that he saw why he couldn’t keep his eyes off my face.

As a shaved, he watched me. His eyes were on my hands and on my face, but they never met my eyes; or the one time that they did, he blushed and looked away. He was sweet, but half the time I just didn’t understand him.

“Everything alright?” I asked; my razor poised over my face. He nodded, then stepped out of the bathroom without a word.

When I exited minutes later, he was fully dressed and ready to go.

………………………………..

There were about twenty or so people there when we stepped into the classroom. It reminded me of a science lab from my high school days, but instead of test tubes and Bunsen burners, the counters where filled with cooking supplies, and each station had an oven. It was pretty fancy.

Cam crowded close to my side; having slipped his hand into the mine the moment we’d stepped into the room. He kept his face turned mostly to the floor as he tried to hide his bruises from the word, and I squeezed his hand gently in reassurance.

Anna met us at the entrance and she hugged Cam as best she could with a huge pregnant belly in front of her.

“You guys can sit wherever you like. Just take an available station. We’ll be working in pairs today.” She said, and a moment later she disappeared to greet the others. We took up the station at the very back of the class because that’s where Cam led us.

He would find every way possible to remain inconspicuous. When everyone had arrived and all had found their work station, Anna began. We’d be making Chocolate-filled donuts, and Cam was over the moon. He was like a child on Christmas morning; bright eyes, wide smile and all as he listened to her list all the ingredients we each had at our work stations. There was flour, salt, powdered sugar, eggs, vanilla essence, milk, unsalted butter and dry yeast.

When she explained to the class that yeast was a living organism, Cam pushed the jar towards me like it was the plague, and I laughed. And so our donut-making lesson began. Cam was an eager student, who listened carefully to her instructions, before he attempted each step. The measurements for the flour had to be exactly right, so did the temperature of the milk. He took his donut-making very seriously. I loved the way the tip of his tongue stuck out of his mouth as he kneaded the dough.

I also loved the way he would repeat the instructions to me as I did my part, as though I couldn’t hear Anna just as well as he could. He was cute; like a little cherub, and every time he smiled and a dimple appeared I wanted to kiss him. While we waited for the dough to rise; which would take an hour according to Anna, we were all given a sheet of paper and told that we would be doing an icebreaker exercise.

The aim of the game was to get to know the people in the room. It was called Bingo; just not the type of Bingo I was accustomed to. The rules were thus: each sheet of paper contained a table lined with boxes. In each box there was a phrase, such as; ‘likes pets’, plays a sport’, ‘has an allergy’ etc. The aim of the game was to go around the room and ask people to sign the box which was relevant to them. So, for example, I would go up to a random stranger and ask them if they played a sport and if they said yes, they would sign the box with the accompanying phrase. If they said no, I would move on the the next person and so on.

The first person to get signatures in a horizontal, vertical or diagonal line must shout bingo and they’d win the game. According to Anna, there were prizes for first, second and third place. I wasn’t surprised that Cam was uneasy about the whole thing, because doing this meant that he wouldn’t be able to hide. He didn’t say it, but his face showed his uncertainty well, but when the game began, there was no time to be uneasy.

Everyone was running all over the room, trying to get people to sign their paper, and since one person could only sign your paper once, it was ALOT of running around. It was chaos and it was the most fun I’d had in a while. I laughed as hard as the person next to me, as we shouted over voices to be heard. I’d lost Cam in the crowd ages ago, but at one point when I looked across the room, I glimpsed him jumping up and down on the balls of his feet as he waited for a woman to sign his paper.

At another time, I spotted him easily dodging moving elbows and dipping underneath arms as he raced to get to the next person. Like I said, it was chaos, but he was quick and he was agile; like a child.

It was no surprise then that Cam was the first to shout Bingo. I heard his voice clear across the room, and laughed along with some others at his childlike exuberance. At that point, I gave up the game just to watch him as he quickly made his way up to Anna. He was jumping on the balls of her feet as she examined his paper.

When two others shouted bingo and handed in their papers, they all went to stand at the front of the room. Cam waved at me from his place by Anna’s side and I waved back. It was the most animated I’d ever seen him.

As she went through the signatures on Cam’s page, the signatories in question were asked to raise their hands to confirm their signatures. Cam was in the clear, and was declared the first place winner.

“He’s such a sweetheart.” An elderly woman beside me mumbled to herself with a smile as she watched him. I agreed wholeheartedly.

I also wondered if Anna had planned this, but when I asked at the end of the night, she told me that she’d had nothing to do with it. He’d won on his own merit.

For his trouble, Cam received a gift basket that was larger than himself and I had to help him carry it back to our station where we set it on the floor out of the way. Every so often, he would glance down at it, as though it were a child who needed constant attention. Every so often, he was also glance up at me, and smile so wide, that I was convinced his cheeks would be aching before the night ended.

The dough had risen. I was actually pretty amazed by how the small ball of dough had risen to twice its size in the space of an hour. Anna instructed us to punch it in the center, and when some people chuckled thinking it was a joke, she assured him it was not. Of course, I let Cam do the honors, and we watched as his fist broke through the soft ball in amazement.

Who knew that making donuts could actually be fun. Cam watched me as I used a cookie cutter to cut circles in the flatted dough, then I watched him, as he carefully placed them into the hot oil.

The three batches came out perfect, and after we’d sprinkled them with an unhealthy helping on powdered sugar, we ate them right then and there in the room with everyone else; our hands sticky with sugar and our mouths filled with chocolate.

“Okay everybody gather round. We’ve got fifteen minutes left in our session and I want to take this time out to thank everyone for participating. Before you leave everyone needs to clean their areas of course, but there’s one other thing that I’d like for us to do.” Anna said.

“We’ve got three new members here today, and as is our tradition whenever there’s a new member, I’d like each person to write something on the strips of paper that will be provided to you.” She gestured to the three large empty jars at the front of the class. Each jar had a name pasted to the front of it; Damion, Eleanor and Cam.

“You’ve just spent almost two hours here with these people so in that time I’m sure there’s something that you’ve observed about them. Feel free to jot down whatever you want to, whether its just a word, a phrase, or a paragraph, on a strip of paper for each person, and place the paper in the corresponding jar.”

They proceeded to hand out the strips of paper, and while everyone else began writing, Cam and I cleaned up our area. Cam looked up every once in a while to glance around the room; sometimes he would bite his lip as he watched people write.

“What do you think they’re writing about us?” he whispered, and I shrugged.

“Something nice I bet.” I told him, but he didn’t look so sure.

Twenty minutes later, with our container of fresh donuts, and Cam’s gift basket in hand, we made our way towards Anna and Donny, who had come to get her.

“Thanks for this Anna.” I said. Her answering smile was warm and welcoming. She handed Cam the jars which he balanced carefully atop the donut container.

“It was really fun.” He told her.

“Then you should come back sometime. We do stuff like this all the time. Next week we’re doing pottery making.” She said. Cam looked at me; a hopeful question in his eyes. Of course I nodded.

“We can come back.”

Donny picked up Anna’s things and carried them out to the car, and she waved goodbye to her assistants who were tasked to locking up. In the car, Cam babbled all the way home. Even when we stopped at a fast food joint for a few minutes, he talked animatedly about the entire session. I’d made the right call.

“I never thought I’d win. Not in a million years. I still can’t believe it Damion.” He said. “I never win anything.” He was saying as we brought the stuff inside.

The moment we set down everything on the counter, he peeled open his gift basket, and I sat on the stool and watched him. There were non-alcoholic drinks, chocolate, nuts and a wide assortment of foodstuff that would no doubt last him a while.

He carefully packed them away into the cupboards, then sat down with me to eat. As he chewed, his eyes would drift to the jars filled with little notes.

“Are you going to read yours tonight?” he asked.

“Sure. Why not?”

He nodded. “Like what time do you think?” he questioned again.

I plucked the jar with my name on it off the counter and handed it to him. “You can read them if you want.”

He was quick to set aside his food, and wipe his fingers clean on the napkin. When he pulled out the first one, he laughed. ’ He’s a handsome young fella. I bet he gets all the girls .’ He read.

“I bet that was the old lady.” Cam said, and he read them each in turn, cracking up at some, and always smiling. When the jar was finally empty, he folded them all neatly and put them back in.

“Are you going to read yours now?”

He froze with his hand atop my jar, then slowly shook his head. “Maybe tomorrow.” He mumbled, glancing at his untouched jar, and biting his lip.

I nodded. “You should finish your dinner.” I told him, and he dug in immediately, but with far less enthusiasm than he’d started out with.

Later than night, somewhere around midnight, I came awake. It could have been because of the heavy rains outside, or the wind rattling the windows, or some other unusual sound around me, but when I woke, the bed beside me was empty.

I sat up and looked around the room; eyes landing on the thin sliver of slight streaming in from under the bathroom door. I listened for a moment, but there was only silence, and then I heard it; a quiet sniffling from the other side of the bathroom door, that had me on my feet in an instant.

I pulled it open without thinking that I should at least knock first; and pause when Cam looked up at me from his seat on the floor by the tub. He had the jar nestled in his lap, and strips of paper spread out around him.

He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and sniffled, then he gave me a watery smile.

“They like me Damion .” He whispered, picking up a few of the strips of paper around him, and handing them to me. “They like my hair and my laugh, and my smile and my energy. They said I’m cute and handsome and I even got a phone number. He wiped again at his tears when they spilled over.

“They like me.” he whispered, then dipped into the jar for another letter. He opened it without hesitation.

“Of course they like you Cam. You’re amazing.” I sat on the floor beside him, and every time he read a new one he handed it to me.

“I really want to go back. I really liked it there.” He said with a sniffle.

“Then we’ll make it a weekly thing.”

“I have nice hands.” He announced abruptly. “Somebody said I have nice hands. I never noticed it before.” He said, turning his hand this way and that; as though it was something completely new to him. I took his hand in mine and twined our fingers together.

“You just don’t see yourself clearly. You’re perfect.” I said, and I hoped he realized that I was being completely sincere. 

                                                                 Author’s Notes

*This chapter was inspired by the chocolate-filled donut recipe that I uploaded on my website this week. So if like Cam, you also want to learn how to make these amazing treats, feel free to hop on over to my website pulledfromhercarriage.com .

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to follow me here on wattpad @DoUbLeZone

Also follow me on instagram for posting dates, updates and sneak peek at: doublezone_books

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.

Chapter 22: Old Man Roger and Miss Daisy

Chapter 22

Cam

My healing split lip made smiling uncomfortable but I did it anyway because someone told me that I had a great smile. So, I smiled at myself in the mirror and my reflection smiled back. Just thinking about the jar filled with all those nice notes made me feel so happy inside that I felt like I was going to burst.

I titled my head to the side, studying my face. I didn’t really see anything nice about my smile. It looked like the same smile I’d been seeing on my face all my life. It was the same way I felt about my hair and my skin and my eyes and every other part of my body that people said they liked.

Maybe when my eye healed I could take a good look and maybe see what they were talking about. I really hoped that I would be able to see all the good things. I wanted to see what they saw.

I looked at the jar that was sitting on the counter beside me. It was my third favorite gift that I’d ever gotten. My first favorite was the camera Damion had given me, and my second favorite was the bracelet Damion had given me after Christmas. Everything changed for me after meeting Damion. Everything felt better and easier and I felt happier.

I wished I could explain to him how happy he was making me but when I explained stuff, the words just never seemed right. He was gone to work so it was just me and Happy at the house and it was weird being here for so long alone. It was weird not working too. I’d spent most of my life working, so sitting around doing nothing felt strange…and it made me feel a little bit guilty too.

I poked the bruise under my eye. When it healed up I was going to start working at Damion’s fancy restaurant. I was nervous, but this morning I’d woken up feeling all excited too, so that was a good sign. Everyone in Damion’s life seemed so nice and friendly, so maybe the people who worked for him would be too.

I looked around his bathroom, then picked up my jar and walked out into the bedroom. I wondered how long I would actually get to stay with him. He said for as long as I wanted but I wanted to stay forever, and maybe that wasn’t quite what he’d meant.

How long was too long? My friend Jason used to say that if they gave you an inch you should still just take a pinch, that way you would never get used to someone’s kindness. He said that if you never got used to kindness then when people were mean to you it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

I set the jar down on the side table and picked up Happy, who was running around my legs. He wiggled in my arms and I kissed his soft fur.

“Sometimes people are just always kind though Jason.” I whispered to myself in the quiet room. “Sometimes they’re just always going to be kind to you because that’s just who they are.” That’s just who Damion was. I believed that with my whole heart.

“How do I make him love me Happy?” I asked him as we walked out of the room and down the stairs. This morning I’d gone on Damion’s computer and researched how to make someone fall in love with you, but everything was so vague. I wanted a straight answer. I wanted to know the exact steps.

I’d even called Tate to ask him and all he’d said was to just be myself, but stuff like that only worked for people like him. I needed something that was going to work for people like me, but I didn’t know any people like me who I could call. Jason would be the perfect person to talk to. Jason knew everything because he understood the world better than a lot of people. I sighed and put Happy down on the couch in the living room.

I didn’t like being in his big empty house alone. When he was around it felt cozy and homey, but when it was just me and Happy, it felt cold and uncomfortable. Plus, I could have sworn I heard a weird creaking noise…but it wasn’t as if I believed in ghosts or anything. I bit my lip and looked around.

I curled up on the couch and was reaching for the remote when I heard the noise again and froze. I waited a second, maybe two, then reached over to Happy’s day bed beside the couch and picked up his leash.

I stood slowly and silently and carefully picked up Happy, then my wallet that I’d left on the coffee table the night before. I walked quietly but quickly across the room and picked up the spare house key from the table by the door, and a second later I was outside.

I let out a sigh of relief. My heart was flying in my chest and I’d left my shoes inside. I sighed as I looked down at my socks, then I thought about running inside to get my shoes which were all the way upstairs in Damion’s room.

I didn’t want to go back in there with the creepy creaking noise. Plus, what was so wrong with wearing socks outside anyway? People walked around barefoot all the time, and anyway, I was just going to go for a walk to Happy so if anybody saw us, they’d be too busy looking at Happy anyway, because he was the cutest dog in the world.

I put on his leash and followed him down the long pathway from Damion’s front door. When we reached the sidewalk, I let Happy decide which direction to take us. I’d never walked in Damion’s neighborhood before and it definitely wasn’t anything like my and Monte’s neighborhood.

Nobody was walking anywhere because everybody had a car, and the sidewalks weren’t cracked either. Even the grass was cut low and perfect.

I wished I’d thought to grab my sunglasses from the kitchen counter to cover my bruise, but if nobody was walking it meant that nobody would see me, so it wouldn’t matter anyway. It was nice and breezy today with barely any sun but I liked it.

Happy was walking extra slow because he had short legs and he was obviously still just a baby, so these things took time. I should have brought a bottle of water with me because he was definitely going to get thirsty. I bit my lip and glanced back down the road at the house…which was probably haunted, then shook my head because I was being ridiculous.

There probably hadn’t been any actual creaking. My crazy mind was probably playing tricks on me. And even if there had been creaking, houses creaked all the time anyway. As we walked, I convinced myself that we didn’t need to turn back. I had my wallet so I could stop at a convenience store and get water.

There was a tiny one about ten minutes away that I saw every time Damion drove me anywhere. Happy took us down the road and around the corner with his nose planted to the ground.

The houses on this side of the neighborhood were different. With the other houses like Damion’s, you could see into the front yards from the sidewalk, but with these, they’d put up huge walls with big fancy gates.

What if a neighbor wanted to borrow some sugar, or bring over a pie? How would they feel comfortable coming up to your front door when they had to wait down by the gate first? And what about on Halloween when the kids visited people door by door? It would be scary for them walking into some walled-off place just to get to the front door.

But the more I thought about it, the more I thought that there had to be a good reason for it too. At least it would make it harder for people to rob the place. But then if somebody was actually robbing the place, neighbors couldn’t even see into the yard to help or to call the cops.

I frowned as we passed by the homes. If I ever got the chance to ever buy a home, I would think about all those things first. It took us around ten minutes just to get to the end of the block because Happy kept stopping the smell the grass, but when we finally did, I waved back to the old man who was waving to me from his front porch.

His house was the only one on the stretch that didn’t have a big wall, and it looked kind of weird just sitting there all open and bare like that; not matching at all with the others. It was good to be different though…sometimes.

The man was waving me over now and he was smiling. I liked old people. They were always so sweet and kind, and they had the best stories. I’d once met an old lady who told me all about how she fell in love with her husband…and how he’d died. It was sad and beautiful all at once. Plus, old people were pretty wise too.

“Come on Happy. Let’s go say hi.” I said, and Happy followed me slowly up the path leading to the nice old man’s house.

His grass was a tiny bit higher than I was used to seeing in the neighborhood. I bet it was because he was old and couldn’t manage to cut it anymore on his own. I never mowed a lawn this big before, but I figured I could help him out if he wanted.

“Hi.” I said when we got to the bottom of the staircase leading up to the porch.

“Come on up here son.” He said, and I picked up Happy, because he was too short to jump the tall steps, and climbed up to the porch. “It’s not often that I see young people out for walks around here. Grab a seat.”

I sat in the chair beside him. I could hear the TV on inside the house. Some type of game show was playing. At least that’s what it sounded like.

“What’s your name son?”

I smiled because it had been forever since somebody had called me son. It made me feel like I was just a regular person visiting my grandpa for the day.

“My name’s Cameron,” I told him. “And this is Happy.”

“I’m Roger.” He held out his hand and I took it. It was very soft; the way I pictured a grandpa’s hands should be. When he pulled away, he patted Happy’s head. “He looks thirsty.”

I nodded. “Yeah I’m going to stop at the store up the road and get some water.”

“Daisy!” Roger shouted, and a moment later, a head popped around the corner.

“Hi.” I waved at the lady even though she didn’t look very happy to see either of us.

She nodded. “This is Daisy. She helps me around the house a few days a week.” Roger said, then turned to her. “Bring his puppy a bowl of water, would you dear?” She left without a word.

“Thank you.”

“Haven’t seen you around here before.” he commented, then picked up a paintbrush that was sitting in a wooden container beside him. It was the first time since sitting down that I even realized that there was a canvas in front of him.

“You paint?” I asked in surprise. I didn’t get to meet with artists much…or ever.

“I dabble.” He said, but it didn’t look like just dabbling. It looked good; like really good. He was painting snow covered mountains, but it looked so professional. I looked around for the picture he was using as inspiration, but I didn’t see it.

“Are you doing it from memory?” I asked him just as Daisy came back with a bowl of water for Happy. When she set it down on the floor and left, I set Happy down beside it and he quickly began to drink.

“Yes.” He said, then looked at me with a grin. “It’s more fun that way.”

“Wow.” I said. “I’ve only ever painted people I know from memory before, but I can’t do landscapes from memory. It’s hard.”

Roger paused just before the brush touched the canvas and glanced at me again.

“You paint?”

I nodded. “Yeah, but I’m not as good as you. Your work is amazing.” I told him.

“You’re an artist, you don’t need to compare your work to another artist’s work.” He said. “Art is something that’s personal to each person, which means that whatever you produce is good as long as it captures exactly what you want it to.”

I nodded. He sounded like one of those strict teachers from back when I used to go to school, but then he smiled and it went all the way to his eyes, and I smiled back because I couldn’t help it.

“How long have you been doing art?”

“For as long as I can remember. Growing up, if there was a pad and pencil around, I would find it.”

“It was the same for me too.” I told him. Happy curled around my feet when he was done with his water.

“How long have you lived around here. I would have remembered it if I’d seen you passing by.”

“I don’t really live here. I’m just staying with someone for a little while. His name’s Damion. Do you know him?”

“He shook his head as he worked. “I don’t know any Damion. Which lot?”

“Twenty-six. It’s not too far away.”

“Ah. You mean that fellow with the eyes.” He said, and I laughed.

“Yes that’s him!” And we grinned at each other for a while. Damion had those eyes that felt like it could look right through you. Sometimes they were kind of scary when he was in a bad mood, but all the other times, they just looked like they were full of secrets and wisdom and intelligence. One look from those eyes and I always felt like he could read my mind.

“He’s very ‘to himself.’ I’ve never seen him at a neighborhood barbeque or meeting even once, and I’ve lived here a long time.”

I nodded. “Yeah, Damion’s the silent type. He’s quiet and stuff and he doesn’t smile a whole lot.” I told him.

Old man Roger looked at me for a long time. “Is he the one who gave you that shiner?”

He was looking at my eyes, and I reached up to touch the bruise there.

“No. This was…from something else. Damion helped me.”

“Well that’s good then.” He said. “Daisy in there, is as prickly as they come, but she’s always willing to help. It’s good to have people like that around you. They’re not easy to find.”

“Yeah.”

“Kids are different these days. Never thought I’d live to see the day when walking barefoot was a fashion statement.” He commented. I giggled as I glanced down at my socks and wiggled my toes.

“It’s not. I just kind of left my shoes behind and I didn’t want to turn back.”

He laughed. “You’re a strange one Cameron.”

“Where is this place?” I asked him, pointing to his painting.

“I don’t actually know. Saw it in a picture once.”

“Wow that’s so cool. I can’t wait ’till I figure out how to do that.” I said, “I’m not comparing or anything. It’s just something I wanna do someday too.”

“It’s all about practice son.”

I nodded. “Do all your kids do art too?”

When he smiled at me, it was such a sad smile that I wished I’d never opened my big mouth to ask in the first place.

“Don’t have any kids to speak of, but maybe if I did, they would be artists too. Sometimes these things are just in the blood. My father and his father were artists themselves. Though, neither of them got very far with it.”

“Oh.” I nodded.

“Art is all about persistence. If you give up then you’ll never see just how great you can get at it.”

“My friend Jason says that there’s no point in starting something if you’re just gonna give up half way. He said that’s just a waste of time, and time is money.”

Old man Roger chuckled, and the sound warmed me right down to my toes.

“Your friend’s right.”

“So is this what you do for a living? Monte says I shouldn’t depend on art because it doesn’t pay and I’ve got to be practical.” I said, and Roger set down his paintbrush and turned to me.

“I can see where your friend’s coming from, and in a lot of cases that’s true, but I believe that if you’re persistent, consistent and diligent, you’ll eventually get to the point where you can earn a living from it. The problem with a lot of folks is that they quit when they should be pressing on.”

I nodded, and I realized he didn’t answer my question, but I didn’t push because that would be rude. Maybe it was something personal for him, and it definitely wasn’t any of my business.

“What’s your favorite type of paint to work with? I like acrylic. When I used to live with my parents I had this friend who was blind and he said he liked it when I painted with acrylic paint because he could make out the texture on the canvas and he could most times tell what I was painting. So I mostly use acrylic paint.”

“Hmm. I never thought about it that way before. I’m sure your friend must have appreciated that.”

“I think so.” I said, feeling my cheeks go red.

“I’m more of an oil paint guy. I like to take my time with a piece. Unlike acrylic paint, oil paint doesn’t dry that quickly so I can take almost all the time in the world.”

“What’s your favorite thing you’ve ever painted?” I continued. This time he smiled.

“Giraffes.” He said. “Giraffes in Africa with an orange sky and a bright yellow sun. It was one of my first paintings too. My father described them to me and I painted the scene.”

“Wow that’s so cool. I’ve never painted giraffes before. Have you ever been to Africa? I’ve never been there before either. I’ve been to Chicago though. Damion took me there for Christmas.”

“You’ve got a mouth on you, don’t you?” he said with a laugh, and I blushed again; this time in embarrassment.

“Monte says I always talk a lot when I’m comfortable with people. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I like the chatter. It’s a nice change after spending most of my days in silence.”

And I was grinning again because I couldn’t help it. No one had ever said they liked my talking before.

“How come you called me up here Roger? I could have been a serial killer and you’d never even know.”

Roger laughed. “How come you came when I called? I could have been a serial killer and you would never even know.”

“You didn’t look like a serial killer.”

“Ever heard the saying, don’t judge a book by its cover?”

I nodded. “I’m still trying to work on that. I wish everyone who looked nice was actually nice and everyone who looked evil was actually evil.” I told him. “It would make everything easier.”

“I suppose it would.” He said, and after looking at me for a very long time, he said; “You’re a rare one Cameron.”

“A rare what?”

“Exactly.” He responded with a laugh, and even though I didn’t understand, I laughed too. He had one of those contagious laughs that I really liked. The kind of laugh that kind of felt like a hug; warm and safe.

This time when he picked up his brush, I didn’t say a thing because sometimes when I was painting I liked complete silence, and since Roger was painting from memory, I figured he needed to concentrate.

So I watched him and I never realized before just how relaxing it was to watch another artist work. I watched him for so long that I didn’t even realize that Happy had left, until I saw him walking back out of the house.

I reached down the pat his furry head, and when I looked up again, I realized that it was dark outside. I pulled my phone out of my pocket so I could see the time but it was dead.

“Roger?” I asked quietly.

“Hmm?”

“Do you maybe have a phone charger I can borrow?”

He laughed again. “Son, do I look like I even have a cellular phone?” He set down his brush, and I watched him as he stood and stretched. “Come on, Let’s go get some dinner. She might not look it, but Daisy knows how to throw down in the kitchen.”

I followed him inside and happy trailed behind me. I noticed the smell of food the second I stepped into his living room, and my mouth began to water.

“It smells so good.” I said as we walked.

His house was different from Damion’s and from mine. It was clean but it was cluttered and cozy. Every single space was filled with stuff, and all the stuff looked old and vintage and cool. It was like a treasure room. I knew I would have the most fun digging through it all. I bet he even had stories to go along with all his cool objects.

Inside was much warmer than the outside. It was making my toes warm up, which was good because they had been freezing out there on the Porch. We walked down a long narrow hallway that had flowery wallpaper on the walls. I hadn’t seen wallpaper in a long time.

When we got to the kitchen, which was more of a kitchen and dining room in one, there was already food on the table. Daisy was busy putting out the plates and stuff, and when she saw us come in she didn’t say a word.

Roger told me to sit across from him at the table and so I did, and even Happy got his own little plate of food on the floor beside my chair.

“It’s not seasoned.” Daisy told me when she caught me looking down at him. “I have dogs at home, so I know the drill.”

“Thank you.” I told her, and I meant it. She’d even cut up the chicken into small pieces for him.

It was his first time eating chicken as far as I could tell, but he looked like he was loving it. It was like he was dining out at a fancy restaurant, I bet. When I finally took my first bite, I closed my eyes. Roger didn’t lie when he said Daisy could cook. Wow…like wow. It was so good. It was even better than Anna’s cooking, and I didn’t even think that was possible.

“It’s really good Miss Daisy.” I told her, and even though she just nodded, her mouth turned up a tiny bit in a smile and it made me glad.

Roger didn’t talk much over dinner, but that was okay, because Monte was the same way. She liked to think when she ate. One time I’d asked her what she thought about, and she’d told me that she liked to fantasize sometimes. She said it was the only time in the day that she had the time to do it.

I wondered if Roger was fantasizing too, but I didn’t ask. When dinner finished, I offered to help Daisy wash the dishes, but she waved me away and Happy followed behind me, looking full and tired. I picked him up and held him gently against my chest.

“Thanks for inviting me over Roger.” I said as I watched him bring in his canvas and easel from the front porch. “I really had a great time and everything, but I think it’s time for us to go home. Damion’s probably wondering where we are.”

“Of course, of course. I appreciate the company. Come back next time and I’ll give you a tour of my studio.” He said with a smile that made the corners of his eyes go all squinty.

“I will. I promise.”

“Bye Miss Daisy!” I called out, and before I could turn to go, she popped her head around the corner and waved. She didn’t smile. But it was a start.

“Come on Happy. Damion’s probably wondering where we are.” I whispered to him as we walked down the path leading from Roger’s house. I pulled Happy closer to my body. I didn’t like walking around by myself at night; especially in a neighborhood that I didn’t know.

I made sure to walk as quickly as possible, and by the time I reached the end of the first block the bottom of my feet were burning. When I reached the second block, I started humming really low to block out all the sounds I thought I was hearing. Like the rustles in the trees, or a creepy owl hooting, or the sound of footsteps that I knew weren’t there.

Happy had already fallen asleep in my arms, so he wasn’t much company, and I couldn’t exactly wake him up just so he could make the walk back easier. I hummed all the way there, and when I finally saw Damion’s house, I felt relieved.

I walked up to the driveway where his car was parked, and paused as I looked up at the house. All the lights were on. Like every single light that you could see from the front. It was weird. He never turned on all the lights. That, and the front door was wide open.

I walked with Happy up the path and slowly entered the house. I could hear Damion’s voice coming from the kitchen. I set Happy down on the couch and followed the sound of his voice there. He was on the phone and he was pacing back and forth as he talked.

“I already called her. She has no idea where he—” Damion broke off mid sentence when he saw me standing there, and I gave him a little wave. I watched as he rubbed a hand over his forehead. “He just stepped in. Yeah he is. I’ll talk to you later. Yeah. Thanks.”

Damion set his phone down on the counter, and for a while he just stood there looking at me.

“Everything alright?” I asked him. “All the lights are on.”

“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for hours now.” He said. He was watching me with those angry-looking eyes. I bit my lip.

“I was with Roger and Miss Daisy.”

He frowned. “Who?”

“Roger lives down the street. I met him today and he invited me over. He’s an artist too, and Daisy’s really good at cooking. She made us dinner.”

I watched as he turned and pulled a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water from the tap. He took a sip before he turned to look at me again.

“So what you’re saying, is that some random stranger invited you over and you went into his house and had dinner with him.”

I stepped further into the kitchen until I was standing across from him on the other side of the island.

“Not just some random stranger; Roger. He’s an artist.” I explained to him, but he was already shaking his head.

“I just can’t understand you Cam. Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?”

I twined my fingers together. “It wasn’t though Damion. Roger is an old man, and Miss Daisy is really nice even though she doesn’t seem nice at first.”

He closed his eyes for a second and rubbed his forehead with the pads of his fingers.

“Cam, you can’t just go trusting everyone just because they might seem nice. It’s not safe out there. I don’t know how else to explain this to you. You’re a grown man, this shouldn’t be hard for you to…” he trailed off, looking frustrated as he shook his head again. This time when his eyes met mine, I couldn’t understand what I saw in them.

“I called you more than a dozen times, is there a reason you couldn’t even pick up the phone to let me know that you were alright?”

“My battery died.”

He nodded slowly, but not in a way that made me feel like he was understanding me.

“You’re obviously not a prisoner here. You’re free to come and go as you please, but it would be nice if you could at least let me know when you won’t be here so I don’t sit around worrying that you’re dead in a ditch somewhere.” He said. I flinched at his words; he was angry with me.

“I’m sorry.”

His fist was clenching and unclenching, but when he saw that I was looking at it, he opened his hand and set it on the counter.

“Call Monte. She’s worried sick about you.” He said, then dropped the glass into the sink so hard that I was surprised it didn’t shatter, then walked around the counter and out of the kitchen.

I stood there listening as he climbed the stairs, and a few minutes later, I heard the bedroom door slam. Just then, Happy popped his head around the corner, and I pressed my hand to my chest because my heart was beating so fast.

I didn’t even think to call him today to let him know. It didn’t cross my mind for a second.

I walked out of the kitchen and turned out the lights behind me, then I checked to make sure the front door was locked, before I went to all the rooms downstairs and turned off the lights as I went. I sat in the living room for a while though because I felt afraid to go up the stairs when he was still mad.

When thirty minutes passed, I gathered up Happy, turned out the light and climbed the stairs. I pushed open the bedroom door and closed it back softly behind me when I entered. Damion was dressed in different clothes this time. I walked into the room and went to sit in the chair by the window.

He was putting his keys and his phone in his jeans pockets but his hair was still damp from his shower. He didn’t look at me; not once, and the longer I sat there the more uncomfortable I felt.

“I’m going out for a while.” He said minutes later as he pulled on his jacket. “Don’t wait up for me.” Then he was out the door without even a glance in my direction.

Happy jumped down from my lap and went to curl up in his little bed, and I listened in silence and heard when the front door downstairs opened and closed, then a few minutes later I heard his car start up.

I sighed, then bit my lip. I felt really bad about everything. Damion was mad at me. I should have called. I didn’t even know why I never thought to call. I wondered if maybe he had been worried, and I felt even worse.

I plugged in my phone by the chair and waited a few minutes for it to come on. When it did, the notifications started coming in, and for a while my phone was beeping like crazy as each one came in.

When I glanced at my screen, there were missed calls and texts from Monte, Donny, Tate and even Paul, who never called me, but it was the ones from Damion that made me feel even worse, because there were so many.

“I messed up Happy.” I said to him, but all he did was roll over with his stomach in the air, and go to sleep.

……………………………

He’d told me not to wait up, but I did anyway, and when I heard the front door open many hours later, I turned off the lamp beside me and pulled the covers over me as I pretended to go to sleep.

I held still and listened to him moving quietly around the room. I heard it when he placed his keys in the tray on his side table, and I heard the sound of his clothes brushing together as he changed.

I held still even when he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and all I could hear was the flow of the water into the sink. Then finally, I felt him climb into the bed beside me. He lay there without moving for a long time, then just when I thought he’d fallen asleep, I heard him sigh. A second later, I felt his arm around my waist and he was pulling me toward him; my back to his chest.

I held still even as he buried his face into my neck with his arms extra tight around me. I couldn’t tell how long we stayed like that, but a long time after, his arm slackened around me, and I could hear his deep breathing.

A few minutes later, I was asleep too.

                                                                      AUTHOR’S NOTES

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-unedited.