Fill My Naked Empty Space

“Fill My Naked Empty Space”

The Book 2 of Naked

Trilogy Written by

chamdreixx

After falling naked, time will fly like everything seems to change as they are. Separating paths was the beginning for them. And this inception will be Neil miseries and Kaizer’s accountability.

Neil searched for himself. After he knew the mindblowing truth, he started to find his real space. And along the way of his voyage, he will encounter how tough life could be. If how reality can be drastic to him. He thought it was his terminal that no one will ever put an umbrella on his rainy days. But not when Kaizer came back. He returns…but with someone else. Their world was now different that he doesn’t have to conserve.

However, does living in a different world can give them a chance for each other’s way once again? Regardless of their hardships of fate that keep on dissuading their alleys, is there still a space for the two? Will Kaizer’s return can be a help for Neil to be out of his misery? Or he will just be another torment to him? Will he still be able to keep his remaining promise to him despite his responsibility? Or it will just be a pie crust that is made to be broken.

Seeking comfort and love even Neil thinks he won’t be able to find it. Because it was only him… He knew that it was only Kaizer who could fill the empty naked space that was left in his stricken heart.

Disclaimer:

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters,

songs,

businesses, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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All rights reserved) No part of this story may be reproduced, modify and transmitted in any form or by any means. Please obtain permission.

Plagiarism is a crime.

Warning: This story contains typos and grammatical errors. Mature scenes will be alluded to here as well. Please read with a wide psyche and perceptionalism.

A/N: If you haven’t yet read the Book 1 of the Naked Trilogy entitled Naked Fall , I suggest you read it first before jumping here into book 2.

And please expect the characters flawed in here compared to book 1. Remember that in the 2nd book, characters will gonna showcase what they really are, going through obstacles and make mistakes. It will be an inconvenient book for you if you are narrow-minded and under 18.

Moreover, if you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses I highly suggest you skip this book coz it will harm your health. Thank you.

Simula

Simula

I thought my life was at its peak when Kaizer and I did a very life-changing thing that I know our family will cannot accept. So as the people around us, our friends…and the society. Our love for each other was taboo and prohibited by God’s words and in the law of humans.

But now that we are separated, I can’t think of how my life transformed into something I never believe at first but I get to understand as I should be.

Nandito ako ngayon sa loob ng aking silid habang nag-eempake ng aking mga damit. I know now the truth. I’m not an Arcoiris. And that truth breaks my whole being as it shivered my soul in my entire belief that I’m one of them.

Pagkatapos ng dinner na iyon kasama sila Enzo ay halos nakatulala ako sa biyahe pag-uwi. Naglalayag ang aking utak sa isiping maaring totoo ang sinasabi niya. Ayaw ko mang paniwalaan iyon ay utak at puso ko na mismo ang nagsasabi sa akin. That they might be saying the truth.

My father is Jessiah Arcoiris. He is and only him. Not Ned Gutierrez nor anybody else because my mom Everleigh is faithful to my dad. Kaya alam kong imposible iyong sinasabi sa akin ng tatay nila Enzo. I’m not a Gutierrez. I’m an Arcoiris. I am born as an Arcoiris.

“Anak…p-paano mong-”

I cutted my mom’s words. She looked stunned at what I just blurted out. Her eyes were weary while her tears were stuck at the bottom lid of her eyes.

“Mom, tell me the truth. Am I an Arcoiris or not?!”

“Neil Irish! Watch your mouth and don’t you ever raised your voice at your mom! Hindi kita pinalaking bastos kaya iayos mo ’yang asal mo!” It was my Dad’s thunderous voice that struck me.

Mainit ang likuran ng aking namimilog na mga mata nang hinarap ko si Dad. Diretso siyang nakatayo sa kanang gilid sa harapan ko habang ang mga mata ay parang matalim na punyal na nakatutok sa akin. Nasa salas kami ng bahay at hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili kong kumprontahin sila tungkol sa nalaman ko pagkauwi.

Gusto ko munang sarilihin ang mga nalaman ko dahil alam kong walang katotohanan iyon. Ayaw kong paniwalaan. But then it bothered me since then to the point that my ego craves for the truth.

“Dad, sabihin mo sa akin. A-Are you my real father?” My voice trembled as my lips formed in grim when I asked him that.

Nagtiim bagang siya. Nakita ko kung paanong bahagyang mamilog ang kaniyang mga mata sa gulat dahil sa tanong ko. Si Mom naman ay humahagulgol sa gilid ni Dad na ngayon ay mukhang naestatwa sa kaniyang kinatatayuan.

Napalunok ako. I gritted my teeth then shook my head at them again. My heart heaves while I breathe hardly due to the burden rock that is now alighted my chest.

Napaiwas sa akin ng tingin si Dad.

“Dad, tell me the truth. Hindi mo ba ako tunay na-”

“You are my son, Neil Irish!” Namumula niyang sigaw sa akin.

The veins on his neck were visible when he answered me that. It was boisterous. His voice is trying to get keen on me that I only just get to shook my head.

Halos mabingi ako sa naging pagsagot niya sa akin. I wanted to believe what he said but there is deep inside me knew and feel that he’s gloss over the fact.

Umiling ako sa kaniya.

“You are my son, Neil. For goodness sake! How’d come you asked me this?” Dad frustratedly asked on me.

I didn’t blink. Ramdam ko ang mainit na luhang nagbabadya sa pagbuhos mula sa aking mga mata. Hindi ako nag-iwas o nagababa ng tingin kay Dad. He’s lying and I can see it through his eyes.

“No, Dad. You are not-”

“Neil…anak ka namin ng Dad mo! Why are you asking us this? Why are you asking your Dad this kind of stuff?!” It was my mom who wailed lamentingly.

Hinawakan ni Dad ang balikat ni Mom nang makita ko ang nanghihina na niyang disposisyon. Punong puno ng luha ang mukha ni Mom habang si Dad naman ay may namumulang mga mata habang ang kaniyang bagang ay nag-uumigting.

“Ned Gutierrez… Do you know him, Mom?” Bulalas ko na nagpatigil sa pag-iyak ni Mom.

Natigilan siya, namilog ang mga mata habang ang labi ay napaawang.

“I meet him just an hour ago. He said to me that he is my father…biological father.” Pagdiin ko sa huling dalawang salita at sunod na binalingan ko si Dad.

His eyes were drooped. Brows shot up while I saw how his hand tightened the hold on my mother’s shoulder.

“Hindi anak. H-Hindi ko siya kilala-”

“Mom please! Just tell me what is the truth. Dad! Spill it to me! Gusto kong malaman yung katotohanan. Anak mo ba ako kay Dad, Mom? Arcoiris ba ako o hindi?! I badly want it to know… Just…just please tell me.” I said in pleading this time.

My eyes blur as the steaming tears began to cascade on my cheeks. Then I turn my gaze on my father who is now look torn to what is happening.

“Dad…tunay ba akong Arcoiris o hindi?” Namamaos ang boses kong tanong sa kaniya. Bagsak ang balikat at nanlulumo na sa katotohanang wala ng kawala pa sa akin sa pagkakataong ito.

Dad took a step near me. I didn’t step back. I faced him while his bloodshot eyes directed on me.

“You’re my son and that is the truth. I treated you like mine, Neil Irish. I owned you as you came from me.” My Dad’s deep large voice trying hit on me.

Pinanayuan ako ng balahibo sa sinabi niya. So it is true. He’s not my real father. I’m… I’m not an Arcoiris.

“Jessiah…” It was my mom’s shaking voice who spoke out like she’s stopping dad.

Binalingan siya ni Dad ng pagod na mga tingin.

“Everleigh, he has to know the truth. He’s off age to understand who he really is. Masakit man sa aking sabihin ito sa kaniya pero ito na ang tamang oras para malaman niya ang katotohanan.” Ani Dad kay Mom na hindi na bakas sa hitsura ang takot at pangamba.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa kanilang dalawa nang ang kanilang mga mata ay dumapo sa akin. Nagparte ang mga labi kong kanina ay mariin na nakalinya.

So it’s true…

“Anak I’m sorry. I’m sorry if we keep it to you. We just only want to protect you.” Ani Mom sa mababa at umiiyak na boses.

Nilapitan niya ako at saka niyakap ng mahigpit. Naiwan naman akong tulala at hindi pa rin maiproseso ang lahat. Hindi ako anak ni Dad. Hindi ako isang Arcoiris. Isa akong… Gutierrez.

Hindi man nila sinabi sa akin ng direkta na hindi niya ako anak kay Dad ay alam ko namang iyon ang pinupunto ng kanilang mga sinasabi.

“Neil,” I heard my Dad’s huge voice behind my Mom who just approached me.

Nag-angat ako sa kaniya ng tingin kahit pa walang humpay sa pagtulo ang luha ko sa mga oras na ito. Nakita kong may kumislap sa gilid ng mga mata ni Dad na ni minsan ay hindi ko pa nakikita. Humiwalay si Mom sa mahigpit na pagkakayakap niya sa akin. At lumapit si Dad ng may nasasaktang mga tingin.

“You’re still an Arcoiris. Anak kita at mahal kita-”

Hindi ko na pinatapos pa ang sasabihin ni Dad. Mabilis ko siyang nilapitan at niyakap ng mahigpit. I bit my lower lip harshly as my tears rolled onto his shirt. Naramdaman kong haplosin niya ang aking ulo at hagkan pabalik ng mas mahigpit.

Hindi ko alam na meron pa pala akong ihihina. Akala ko ay naging malakas na ako. Pero ngayon na naririnig ko ang mga sinasabi ni Dad ay mas lalo akong pinanlumo ng situwasyon.

Lumaki akong kasama si Dad. Sa bahay, sa school, sa court, sa soccer, sa games at sa marami pang mga bagay. At ni minsan ay hindi niya naiparamdam sa akin na iba ako. Na hindi ako nagmula sa kaniya.

“You’re my son. I want you to always remember that, alright?” Dinig ko ang namamaos at nanghihina niyang boses sa aking tainga.

Marahan akong tumango habang ang mukha ko ay nananatiling nakabaon sa kaniyang balikat. Naramdaman kong pisilin niya ang aking balikat na para bang nahihirapan din siyang tanggapin sa sarili niya na hindi niya ako tunay na anak.

“I love you Dad…” Tangi ko nalang na naiusal sa namamaos at basag kong boses.

“Mahal din kita anak. Mahal na mahal ka namin ng Mommy mo. Patawarin mo kami kung ngayon mo lang nalaman ito at hindi pa sa amin nanggaling.”

Umiling ako. “No Dad, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I reacted that way. I didn’t mean to raise my voice earlier. I-It was just-”

“Hush, I understand. Naiintindihan namin ng Mommy mo.”

Humiwalay ako kay Dad. Pinunasan ko ang aking mga luha at hinarap naman si Mommy. I hugged her and all I can feel at that moment is that there will be a huge change that is about to come and happen.

Pakiramdam ko ay natali ako sa mga oras na iyon. Napako ako sa pamilyang tinuring at binuo ako sa hulmahang puno ng pagmamahal para sa akin. Hindi sila nagkulang. Lalong lalo na si Dad.

Thinking his position that I was the one wearing his shoes in those times I was in the womb of my Mom, it’s tough. And I admire him more because of his passion and acknowledgment of the truth.

“May kailangan ka pang malaman Neil.” Mayamaya ay biglang sabi ni Mom sa akin nang makaupo kami sa sofa.

“Ano po iyon?”

Napansin kong pinakalma nila ako ni Dad. Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Mom at sumilay sa akin ang naluluha niyang mga mata muli. Agad naman akong nakaramdam ng kaba at pag-aalala dahil sa kaniyang sinabi.

I glanced in my Dad’s way who’s sitting beside her. Nakatitig din siya sa akin at ani mong tinatantya ako sa mga oras na ito.

“Ano po iyon, Mom? Dad?” Mabilis ang kalabog ng aking dibdib nang tinanong ko iyong muli sa kanilang dalawa.

Dahil kung titingnan ang hitsura ni Mom ngayon ay ramdam kong mabigat pa ito. Ramdam kong mas magiging kumplikado pa ang lahat.

Mom reached for my hands and held them tightly. Binalingan niya pa muna si Dad ng tingin na may seryosong ekspresyon at namamanglaw na mga mata bago niya ako hinarap muli.

“Mom, what is it?” I asked her once again in nervousness.

She bit her lower lip and teary eyes bore on me in agony. Until she parted her mouth to utter.

“I-I’m not your real mother.”

At dahil sa sinabi niya ay unti-unting namilog ang aking mga mata. My mouth was left half-open by what my momma said to me.

No…she got to be kidding me. Bumuga ako ng isang mahinang buntonghinihinga. Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa kamay niyang mahigpit na nakahawak sa aking dalawang kamay na nakapatong sa aking hita.

“Patawarin mo ako anak. Patawarin mo kami ng Dad mo kung nilihim namin ang lahat ng ito sa iyo.” Mom’s broken voice shattered me.

“H-How? I thought I was your son from the other man. That I was your son from Ned Gutierrez. K-Kaya paanong hindi ikaw ang aking ina, Mommy?” Gumagaralgal ang boses kong tanong na hindi ko na namalayang sunod sunod na pumatak muli ang aking mga luha.

Umiiyak na umiling sa akin si Mom. Kita ko sa kaniyang mga mata na nahihirapan din siyang sabihin sa akin ang katotohanan. Kaya nang mapahawak siya sa kaniyang dibdib at mariing pinikit ang kaniyang mga mata at hinarap si Dad ay nanlumo rin ako.

Ilang sandali pa nang umiyak si Mom sa dibdib ni Dad. Tinatagan ko naman ang loob ko sa katotohanang mukhang ampon pa pala ako at hindi lang basta anak sa ibang lalaki. I’m so stupid to assume that it was only it.

“You were adopted, Neil. I and Jessiah adopted you from one of my friends. She’s looking for someone who can take care of you. I’m futile. I can’t carry a child. So we decided to just adopt you.” Mom explained to me.

Hindi ko naman magawang tingnan silang dalawa ng tuwid. Nanatili ang aking mga matang natutop sa tiles ng sahig.

“And Ned Gutierrez…he’s saying the truth. I know him, he’s your real father.” It was Dad this time who spoke up.

I gritted my teeth. I blink badly. “If he’s my biological father, then who’s my real mother?” At this point, I took a glance and stared at them both.

Napakurap silang pareho at nagkatinginan. Hindi naman ako kumurap at hinintay ang kanilang mga sasabihin. Kaya nang bumalik sa aking muli ang kanilang mga tingin ay naging alerto ako.

“We didn’t know who’s your real mother. Dahil ang kaibigan kong tumatangan sa iyo noon ay hindi ang iyong ina.”

“If that’s the case, how did you know that Ned Gutierrez is my real father, mom?” Tanong ko pang muli.

“Dahil ’yon ang sinabi sa akin ni Dahlia. But she didn’t mention who’s your real mother.” Ani mommy.

“Also, I made an investigation about this. Even your Tito Demarcus did his part before. It’s Ned Gutierrez, the tycoon businessman is your real father.” Dad said to me.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong malinawan sa mga nalaman kong katotohanan ngayon. All I know is that I get started to lose my identity. I’m not blaming Dad and Mom for keeping this from me for a very long time ago.

Masakit lang isipin na kung sino pa ang mga totoo kong magulang ay siya pang nang-iwan sa akin. How could they hand over an infant to a friend then passed it to someone who’s looking for someone that will take care of that newborn. It’s horrible. It was insane like how they live peacefully in the past years after they did that on me. After they abandoned me…their child.

Pagkatapos kong malaman ang katotohanang magpapabago sa aming pamilya…sa aking sarili ay ang tangi kong gustong sumunod na mangyari ay ang mas kilalanin pa ang sarili ko. Na alam kong sa pagkakataong ito ay lubusang makakapagpabago sa mundong kinabibilangan ko. Sa mundong pinaniwalaan kong kabilang ako.

I don’t know if who’s my real mum. And my Dad…my biological father is now here to fetch me. I know that I should be mad at him for what he did to me when I was a little. But I have to consolidate towards the present at the moment so I can find my inner peace.

I haven’t yet heard his side about the past but I hope this will not ruin the trivial trust I only have for him. Kakatapos ko lang mag-empake ng mga gamit ko. Palabas na ako ng aking silid nang matanawan ko si Russco na tahimik lang na nakamasid sa akin mula sa hamba ng pintuan ng aking silid.

Tahimik siya at makungkot ang mga mata. Pinapanood at para bang kinakabisado niya ang bawat galaw ko.

Kaya naman ay huminto ako sa paglalakad nang makalapit ako sa kaniyang harapan. I put down my bag and kneeled in front of him so our eyes can meet evenly.

Seryoso ang kaniyang mga tingin at namamanglaw iyon kung tititigan mo ng mas malalim. I smirked at him lightly and pat his head like my usual tease. I caressed his hair and messed it softly later on. Akala ko ay magagalit siya sa ginawa ko, ngunit sa pagkakataong ito ay hindi siya nagreklamong ginulo ko ang kaniyang buhok.

“Hey kiddo, why are you so serious? Hmm?” I asked him.

Hindi siya umimik. Nanatili siyang tahimik at walang kibo habang ang seryosong mga mata ay nakatitig sa akin. I let a sigh. Alam kong alam niya kung ano ang mga nangyayari. Russco is clever and I shouldn’t be asking what is up to him.

Binasa ko ang aking mga labi at saka siya seryosong tinitigan pabalik. I know that this is not only hard for me but also for him. Leaving this house was also mean of being away…from them.

“Pwede bang umalis muna si Kuya for the meantime, Russco? I know you understand this right? Kuya just has to find the missing piece that’s been lost for a very long time ago. Is that fine with you?” I asked him in the lightest way I can.

He blinked. His throat move, swallowing hard.

“Why do you still have to find that missing piece if me, Dad, and Mommy were already here to fill that spaces for you? Ayaw mo ba na kami ang pamilya mo, Kuya Neil? Are you hating me that’s why you prefer being with Enzo more than me?” Russ asked me seriously.

Nakita kong mamula ang kaniyang mga mata sa mga naging tanong niya. Hindi ko naman din maiwasang pang-initan din ng mga mata. Damn, this little man is making this hard for me.

“Of course I prefer you more than anyone else, Russco! You’re my sweetest little brother. Our family is bound more than anything else. Kayo ang gusto kong pamilya but I have another one also. At alam kong maiintindihan mo ’yon. ’Di ba big boy ka na? So act like one!”

“I am, Kuya. But… I’m gonna m-miss you.”

Nakatimpi na ngayon ang kaniyang mga labi at ang mga mata ay pulang pula na at punong puno na ng luha. Ramdam kong pinipigilan niya iyon sa pagtulo. Kaya naman bago pa iyon tuluyang bumagsak ay niyakap ko na ang kapatid kong ramdam ko ang labis labis na lungkot dahil sa pag-alis ko.

“Y-You’re a grown-up Russ. I love you and you know it. Bibisita pa rin naman si Kuya dito sa bahay so I can play and get bond with you alright? Huwag ka ng umiyak. Smile na,” naiiyak ko na ring ani sa kaniya.

Narinig ko namang nahihirapang humikbi siya at punasan ang kaniyang mga basang mata sa aking balikat.

“Umalis na nga si Kuya Kaizer tapos ngayon ikaw naman. Ayoko na sa inyo!” Biglang aniya sa akin na ikinatigil ko.

Humiwalay sa akin si Russco at saka ako tinalikuran at mabilis na lumabas ng aking silid.

“Russco! Russco sandali!” Pagtawag ko sa kaniya ngunit mabilis siyang nakawala sa aking paningin.

Mabigat akong napabuntonghininga. Russco is right. Kaizer left and now me. Kaya hindi ko siya masisisi kung may galit o tampo man siyang nararamdaman para sa akin ngayon.

Hawak-hawak ang isa kong maleta na ang laman ay ang mga gamit ko ay bumaba ako ng hagdan. Sinuyod ko ang kabuuan ng aming bahay ng isang tingin bago ako tuluyang pumanhik pababa. Hindi na ako dito maglalagi ngayon at nasisiguro kong mamimiss ko ito, lalong lalo na sila Dad.

Naabutan ko sila Mom, Dad, Enzo, and Ned Gutierrez sa living area ng bahay nang makababa ako ng hagdan. Alam kong ako nalang ang hinihintay nila kaya naman nang mapatingin sila sa akin ay awtomatiko silang napatayo.

Nakausap na nila si Ned Gutierrez at alam kong may mga napagkasunduan na sila. And with that being said, ang lahat ng iyon ay batid ko. Mahirap man sa posisyon nila Dad at Mom ang mga napagkasunduan ay iyon ang nais ko.

I walked towards my Mom and Dad’s way to say my farewell to them. I hugged them and kissed my mum’s cheek.

“Mag-iingat ka anak. Mami-miss ka namin ng Dad mo at ni Russco.” My mother said to me heartwarmingly.

I smiled at her wearily. “I will gonna miss you too, Mom…Dad. And of course Russco.”

“Teka, nasaan nga pala si Russ?” Tanong ni Dad.

Binalingan ko naman ang pinto ng sarado niyang silid sa kabilang side ng living area. Napatingin naman do’n sila Dad at mukhang nakuha ang sagot base sa namamanglaw kong mga tingin.

“Ako nang bahala kay Russco. He may be sad because you’re leaving but I know he’ll understand. He’s still a kid, emotional. Take care son. I want you to know that the door of this house is always open for you. That you are always welcome here. It’s our home…your home as well.” Dad uttered on me.

Niyakap ko naman siya at naramdaman kong tapikin niya ang aking balikat. Ilang sandali pa akong nagpaalam sa kanila kahit na nakikita kong naiiyak pa si Mommy. Mabigat man sa akin ang umalis lalo na at ganito pa ang nararamdaman ni Russco sa akin. Ayaw ko mang umalis nang masama ang kaniyang loob ay wala naman na akong magagawa pa.

“Let me help you,” Enzo insisted on luggage.

“Thanks,” ani ko nang kuhanin niya sa aking kamay ang maletang hawak hawak ko.

Nakababa na kami ng elevator at patungo na ngayon ng parking lot. Naramdaman kong nakatingin sa akin si Ned Gutierrez. Hindi ko siya binabalingan ng tingin. Magpasahanggang ngayon ay wala pa rin akong ibang tawag sa kaniya kun’di tanging pangalan lang niya.

At alam niya iyon. Mukha mang bastos pakinggan pero hindi ko naman isinasatinig iyon. Ni kahit tawagin siya sa personal ay hindi ko ginagawa. Nagkakausap lang kami sa tuwing may itatanong siya sa akin.

I know that I should’ve asked him about my mother but I don’t want to take everything at one step and one time. Dahil natatakot akong mabiglang muli. Ang malaman pa lang na hindi si Dad at Mom ang tunay kong mga magulang ay nagpayanig na sa akin. Paano pa kaya kung makilala ko ang tunay kong ina.

It is awkward. And more than that, I actually don’t know how to treat them despite the past that is buggering my ego and self peace.

Pumasok ako sa backseat ng sasakyan ng hindi nagsasalita. Si Enzo naman ay naupo sa passenger seat.

At nang mag-umpisa nang umandar ang aming sasakyan ay nahagip nang aking mga mata ang sunod sunod na mga sasakyan na nagsidatingan. Napamilyaran ko ang mga iyon.

Huminto ang kotse na sinasakyan namin ngayon nang ang sasakyan ni Marcos ay humarang sa amin. Nakita kong balingan ako ni Enzo sa harapan ng tingin at saka marahang tinanguan.

I let a sigh. It was them. The Arcoiris cousins. Sasakyan nila Marcos, Zachary at Ezekiel ang sunod sunod na pumarada. Kaya naman nang makita kong tahimik lang si Ned Gutierrez sa driver’s seat ay hindi ko alam kung paanong magsasalita.

“Neil! Get out there!” I heard my lunatic cousins’ protests nang makababa sila ng kani kanilang mga sasakyan.

Napatingin naman akong muli kay Enzo. Sakto namang nakamasid siya sa akin.

“Go, kausapin mo muna sila. We can wait.” Enzo uttered indulgently.

Tumango naman ako. Binuksan ko ang pintuan ng sasakyan at saka tinungo ang gawi nila Marcos, Ezi, Lucien, at Zandra na nakababa na sa kanilang mga sasakyan. Ang iba ko namang mga pinsan ay batid kong nananatili lang sa loob ng sasakyan.

“Anong ginagawa niyo rito-”

“Russco told us. You’re leaving?” Ezi asked me in monotone.

Seryoso ang kanilang mga mukhang nakatunghay sa akin ngayon. Alam kong nitong mga nakaraang araw lang sila nagkaroon ng ideya sa mga nangyayari sa akin dahil sa pinapaayos kong mga papeles kay Tito Demarcus. Pero kahit na gano’n ay buo pa rin ang loob kong gawin iyon para sa sarili ko.

“I have to, Ezi,” I replied flatly on him.

“So it’s true? That you’re now changing. Tss.” It was Marcos who seemed so annoyed.

I blinked and look down. “I’m not. It’s still the same me Marcos-”

“Fuck you. Such a dumbass. You know what, hindi na pala sana kami pumunta dito.”

Nagsalubong naman ang mga kilay ko dahil sa kaniyang sinabi at hindi makapaniwalang nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin.

“What? Bakit, sino bang nagsabi sa inyong pumunta kayo rito? I didn’t even need you to come here.” I asked him when I feel so stressed that they had to augment it with bullcrap statements.

“Neil,” it was Zandra’s voice in caution.

I just clenched my jaw and looked away.

“Ano bang sinasabi mo Neil? We’re here to see you! To check on you! Tapos ganiyan yung sasabihin mo? I can’t believe you!” Si Ezi naman ngayon.

Marahas akong bumuntonghininga.

“Marcos might be harsh but your words were so foul Neil,” Lucien stated this time.

Narinig ko pang bumukas ang pinto ng sasakyan sa kanilang likuran. Nag-angat ako ron ng tingin at nakita kong si Kelsy iyong bumaba.

“Come on boys, sinabi ko naman na sa inyong wala kayong mahihita rito. Let’s go! Malilate pa ako sa shoot na a-attend-an ko.” Dinig kong ani Kelsy at saka pasiring na pumasok muli ng sasakyan ng hindi ako binabalingan ng tingin.

Narinig kong nagsipagsinghalan pa sila Lucien sa aking harapan na bakas ang sobrang disappointment. Nagtiim bagang nalang ako. At nang magtama ang mga tingin namin ni Zandra ay nakita kong mariin niya akong tinititigan.

“Let’s go, wala na tayong kailangan pa rito,” Zandra muttered. Nanguna siyang tumalikod patungo sa kanilang sasakyan.

Walang sabi sabi naman sila Marcos na tinalikuran na rin ako. Fine. It’s my fault this time. Hindi na nga kami nagkaayos nila Kelsy tapos ngayon pati ba naman sila Zandra ay galit na rin sa akin?

Fuck life. But I have to move forward. I shouldn’t be halt by what is happening around me. This time I want to focused on myself. I want to focused on finding my real me, by knowing and searching for what I’ve lost in the past years.

I want to live with the other side of Neil with a new beginning. With a new environment and family. I’m not an Arcoiris now.

“Neil, we have to go. Grandma and Granpa are waiting for you already.” I heard Enzo’s deep voice said behind me.

Hindi ko siya binalingan tingin. Pinagmasdan ko pa ng ilang sandali ang pag-alis ng mga sasakyan ng mga pinsan ko bago ko siya hinarap at tinanguan.

“Alright, let’s go.” Tanging sabi ko sabay lakad patungong backseat ng sasakyan.

This is the voyage of the beginning. Discovering myself by living in a new family. Finding the missing piece I lost since I was born that I didn’t know was lack to me. Ang pagkatao ko hindi bilang isang Arcoiris, kung hindi bilang isang Gutierrez.

Kabanata 1

Kabanata 1

Gutierrez

Thinking of what is my cousin’s thoughts right now is making me feel ill to myself. They come here just to see me and I know also what they’re up to.

Alam kong hindi lang nila kay Russco nalaman na ngayon ang alis ko. Hindi man sa inilihim ko sa kanila ay mas ginusto ko talagang sarilihin ang mga pangyayaring ito. Even I tend to not tell them, I’m so sure that they will find it out eventually.

Kelsy, Zach, and Ate Meaghan are still off to me, as well as Ate Anastasia who is living abroad with Kaizer. While Marcos became cool to me as the separation of I and Kaizer happened finally.

But what just happened right now, I don’t think that we can be good after this. Maaaring nasaktan ko sila Zandra sa nasabi ko sa kanila kanina. I know it. I became rude to them with the awareness that they came here to stop me from going. Pero alam kong kahit na ano’ng sabihin pa nila sa akin para hindi na lumipat pa sa mga Gutierrez ay wala ng makakapigil pa.

I feel empty. Knowing that I’m not one of them hurt me so much. Knowing that I’m not a real Arcoiris…that I’m just adopted crushed everything I thought I have. It breaks the wall that sets boundaries and expectations to what should I have done and should sacrifice. Because in the first place, the Arcoiris family means everything to me. And as going out of their canopy, it was hard like I have to get out from my soul moreover.

Alam kong mali ang isipin nila na tumira ako sa mga Gutierrez. Na isang kahangalan at isang katangahan na kilalanin ko pa si Ned Gutierrez sa kabila ng nagawa niya akong ipamigay noon.

My cousins were just only worried for me and I know it. But I’m choosing this. I’m choosing this path far from them kahit na wala akong kasiguraduhan kung ano ang magiging kalalabasan nitong papasukin kong bagong landas.

Because all I know is that I have to find myself. That I had to know who I really was and where should I supposedly live and grew since then I was born.

Tanaw ang mataas at malaking gate na bumukas para sa amin para makapasok ang aming sasakyan sa loob. Nakatuon ang aking paningin sa bintana at tanging pinagmamasdan ang malawak nilang bermudagrass field at ang magkakasing taas na mga puno na nakahilera ng sunod sunod patungong mansion.

Walang araw ngayon at makulimlim ang panahon lalo na at mukhang ginabi na rin kami ng dating kahit pa maliwanag pa ang paligid. Pero kahit na gano’n ay tanaw ko kung gaano kagarbo at kalawak ang kanilang lupain.

This is my first time here but I never imagine that this is how rich the Gutierrez’s are. From their huge and wide gates up to their a bit long-run path to their mansion makes me feel like I’m going to a castle. There is also a huge fountain in front.

At nang huminto nga ang aming sasakyan sa tapat ng isang napakalaking mansion ay hindi nga ako nagkamali. It was a three-story house. May ilang bahagdan akong nakikita paakyat sa napakalaking mansyon bago mo matunton ang mala-kastilyo nitong pintuan.

Naramdaman kong balingan ako ni Enzo ng tingin mula sa passenger seat at gano’n din si Ned Gutierrez. Hindi ko sila tinapunan ng tingin sa harapan. Tahimik lang akong nakatanaw sa labas ng bintana ng sasakyan at bahagyang nagulantang pa nang bumukas ang pintuan sa aking gilid.

“What the-” my voice halted when a guy opens the door for me.

“Pierce, what are you doing?” It was Enzo who almost shouted at the man who looks so serious as he darted his eyes on me.

Hindi ako gumalaw sa aking kinauupuan. Bahagya pa akong umatras dahil yumukod ang lalaki upang maglebel ang aming mga tingin. Pinanliitan niya pa ako ng mga mata at animong sinusuri niya ang aking hitsura at saka kalaunan ay ngumisi.

“Tss,”

“Pierce can you just-”

“Oh shut up Enzo, wala akong gagawing masama sa kaniya.”

Nakita ko si Enzo sa likuran ng lalaking nakaharang sa aking pintuan ng backseat na hindi ko namalayang nakababa na pala. Pasiring niyang hinarap si Enzo at nang marinig kong sumarado ang pintuan ng driver’s seat ay nakita ko naman si Ned Gutierrez na may iabot sa mga lalaking nakauniporme na mukhang nakaabang sa aming pagdating.

“Ah, Neil let’s go inside. They are all waiting for us.” Then I heard Enzo’s serious voice called me out.

Hindi naman na ako nagsalita pa at bumaba na rin ng sasakyan kalaunan. At nang makalabas ako ay napansin kong nakatayo at nandito pa rin pala si Pierce na nakasandal sa gilid ng sasakyan. Kaya naman nang magtama ang aming mga tingin nang balingan ko siya ay halos mapakunot ako ng noo nang ang ngisi sa kaniyang mga labi ay hindi na nawala.

“Never mind your things. Our maids will take care of it,” Enzo muttered beside me.

Nag-iwas naman ako ng tingin kay Pierce. He’s matured. If I guess his age I think the same as Huxton. He’s good-looking, indeed.

Sakto namang nagsalubong ang mga mata namin ni Ned Gutierrez nang mag-iwas ako ng tingin. Naglakad siya patungo sa aking gawi.

“Welcome to the Gutierrez mansion, anak. By the way, let’s go and head inside to our dining so you can meet Papa and Mama. Nicoleandra is also waiting there for you.” He welcomingly said to me with a small smile draw on his lips.

I simply nod my head to him as my response. Bahagya namang nakangiti ang kaniyang labi at kita ko sa kaniyang mga mata na masaya siya na makita akong narito na ngayon sa kanila.

Hindi pa man namin napag-uusapan ang mga bagay na gusto kong malaman at mabigyan niya ng kasagutan ay alam kong mabuti siyang tao. Nararamdaman ko iyon hindi dahil sa ito ang gusto niyang maging impresyon ko sa kaniya kun’di dahil panatag ang loob ko sa kaniya.

Just like Enzo the first time I met him. Hindi ko alam na magkapatid pala kami kaya gano’n nalang ang trato niya sa akin.

Sumunod ako sa kanila paakyat ng hagdan patungo sa malaking double doors ng mansyon. I recognize the men that Ned Gutierrez approached earlier and it was their security. Mga nakahilera sila ngayon pababa ng hagdan.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang manibago dahil sa ganito karaming mga tauhan. Nakasunod lang ako sa likuran nila Enzo paakyat nang maramdaman ko ring nakasunod sa akin si Pierce. Mayamaya pa ay kasabay ko na siyang maglakad sa aking tabi.

“Neil… So you are Neil Arcoiris.” I heard him muttered hoarsely with an evil smirk on his lips.

Pinangunutan ko siya ng noo. Hindi siya tumingin sa akin nang sabihin niya iyon. Kaya nang sinubukan kong balingan siya sa tabi ko ay napataas ako ng isang kilay nang nakatingin na pala siya sa akin. What’s up with this guy?

He stared at me with his mocking smirk as I gazed at him indulgently flat. Natigil lang kami sa titigan nang mauna akong mag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya dahil bumukas ang malaking double doors.

This idiot is a hell.

Iniwan ko siya sa aking tabi at sumabay kay Enzo sa paglalakad. As I enter the entourage of the house, maids are all lined up. The huge mansion making me feel so small here. It was a modern mansion inside. From the tiles and the walls. Then to the furniture, antique jars, and chandeliers. Everything here was all screaming in luxury and affluent. They are indeed well-off.

The Arcoiris’ are also wealthy but I can say that not this much.

“Good evening Señor,” the maids greeted in unison.

Naramdaman ko naman si Pierce na tumabing muli sa aking tabi. Hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin at hinayaan nalang.

“Where’s Mama?” Papa asked as he continued to walk.

Nakita ko naman ang isang matanda ng babae na mukhang mayordoma ng mansion na nakasunod kay Papa habang ang ilang katulong ay nananatiling nakayuko ang mga ulo bilang pagbati.

“They are in the dining, señor.” The old woman answered.

Nakita kong hanapin ako ng paningin ni Ned Gutierrez. At nang maglapat ang aming mga mata ay bahagya niyang iginalaw ang kaniyang ulo na para bang sinasabi niyang lumapit ako sa kaniya.

I cleared my throat before I took my step towards him. And when I stood beside him, hinawakan niya ang aking balikat at saka marahang nginitian. Ned Gutierrez is wearing his dark blue corporate attire. Glancing at him and being this close to him seems to be lightly for him.

Not that I get intimidated by his presence but it seems like everything is good to him. Na dahil sa pumayag akong tumira dito sa kanila ay para bang wala na siyang kasalanan pa sa akin.

“Let’s meet Papa and Mama. I’m sure they are excited to meet you.” He said.

I blinked and didn’t bother to spoke again. Kita ko sa mga mata niya na masaya siya but at the same time, I can see that there is also sadness that slithering on him.

He looked away when my glares became too deep. Tinungo namin ang dining room ng mansion habang ang isa niyang kamay ay mahigpit na nakahawak pa rin sa aking balikat. It’s like he’s so happy to bring me home. That’s what I feel from him at the moment.

At nang matunton namin ang malaking dining room ay halos malaglag ang panga ko nang makita kung gaano karangya ang buhay na mayroon ang mga Gutierrez. Damn, from the chandeliers up their ceiling and to their long rectangular table. From their maids with their uniforms and till to their foods that appear like you’re in a buffet. Plus the setup table, candles, flowers, and wines. It looks normal to them.

“Siya na ba ang apo ko, Ned?” Nawala ako sa aking pagkamangha nang marinig ko ang boses ng isang matandang babae.

“Yes, Mama. This is Neil Irish, my son.”

Napatingin ako sa matandang babae na may malaking ngiti sa kaniyang mga labi. She’s old but her beauty wasn’t off. Nakatayo siya ngayon malapit sa lamesa at mukhang kakatayo lang mula sa kaniyang pagkakaupo. And when her eyes caught me, she immediately approaches me.

“Such a gorgeous man! Finally, I meet you apo,” The old lady said as she wrapped her arms around me.

Naestatwa pa ako sa aking kinatatayuan nang sinalubong niya ako nang hindi ko inaasahang yakap. At ilang sandali pa ay pinakawalan niya rin ako at sinakop ang magkabila kong pisngi.

“I’m Ophelia. But just call me Lola instead, alright?” Magiliw niyang sinabi.

Alangan naman akong nakangiting tumango sa kaniya.

“Good evening po, L-Lola.” Bati ko sa kaniya.

Ang kulubot niyang balat sa gilid ng kaniyang mga mata ay mas lalong kumulubot dahil sa kaniyang malawak na pagngiti.

“Lola you’re not that excited to see him alright, and we can see that.” I heard Pierce’s sarcastic voice behind me.

Mukhang hindi naman napansin iyon ng matanda at magiliw pa ring nakatitig sa akin.

“Halika apo at ipinagpahain kita ng maraming pagkain. I didn’t know what’s your favorite food but I prepared lots of different dishes for you. Alam kong napagod ka sa biyahe kaya halika na at kumain na tayo-”

“Mama, relax. Neil will stay here for good so you can know him more.” Narinig kong natatawang ani Papa sa aming likuran na ngayon ay tumungo na rin sa hapag.

“I know, gusto ko lang naman i-welcome ang apo ko Ned.”

“Salamat po.” Ani ko dahil mukhang masyado silang natuwa sa pagdating ko.

I’m glad that Lola is welcomed me warmingly which I actually didn’t expect. Ngunit nang mapatingin ako sa mahabang lamesa ay nakita kong nakaupo na roon si Nics na may malawak na ngiti rin para sa akin. Nakita ko rin ang isang sopistikadang ginang na nakaupo sa kaniyang tabi. At nang gumapang ang paningin ko sa kabisera ng lamesa ay nakita ko ang isang matandang mestisong lalaki na may seryoso at malalim na mga mata na mariing nakapukol sa akin.

“Halika apo, ipapakilala kita sa iyong Lolo,” Lola said beside me.

Nahagip naman ng tingin ko ang gawi ni Enzo. Tipid niya akong nginitian bago siya naglakad patungong hapag. At nang mapansin kong ako nalamang at si Lola ang nakatayo dahil lahat sila ay nakaupo na sa kani-kanilang upuan ay ginapangan ako ng kaba.

I gulped when I turn my gazes at the table. Nakaupo sila ngayon at mukhang kumpleto ang mga Gutierrez’s. They are all wearing their casual attire as their glance reflected on me. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na ganito rin ako tumingin gaya ng sa kanila. Intimidating and deep.

“Everyone, this is Neil…my grandson.” Lola introduced me to them.

Napakurap kurap pa ako dahil hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong magsalita o hindi. Malalim akong napalunok.

Nananatili silang lahat na nakatingin sa akin at animong naghihintay ng sasabihin ko. I lick my lips before I spoke.

“Good evening,” I simply greeted them.

“Let’s eat, I’m starving.” Then the old man suddenly interfered gravely.

“Yeah, let’s eat Mama. Maupo na kayo rito, I know you’re tired.” Then the sophisticated woman said to Lola.

Nagtama ang tingin namin ng ginang na seryoso lang akong tiningnan. Tumahimik lang ako dahil inignora nila ang pagbati ko.

“O siya sigi, halika Neil at sa akin ka tumabi,” Lola said to me.

Hinawakan pa niya ang aking braso at sabay kaming naupo sa upuang malapit sa matandang lalaki. Mahaba at maraming upuan ang hapag. Hindi lahat naukupahan dahil hindi naman kami marami.

Nasa kaliwa ko si Lola Ophelia nakaupo habang nasa kabisera naman si Lolo. In front of Lola was Ned, I call him Papa from now on like what he told me. And beside him was the sophisticated woman who’s eying at me right now. Sa tabi ng babae ay si Enzo na katapat ko at sa gilid niya ay si Nics. Napatingin naman ako sa aking tabi kung nasaan si Pierce nakaupo.

Ramdam kong masaya si Lola na nandito na ako sa kanila ngayon. But I also feel the disapproval of the woman sitting beside Papa. She might be Enzo and Nics Mom.

Nagsilapitan ang mga maid sa amin at inilagay ang mga bowl na may tubig sa aming harapan. I know what it was. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay kumakain ako sa isang maharlikang pamilya. Lahat sila ay seryoso at tahimik na ngayon.

Nang matapos kaming maghugas ng kamay ay inialis na iyon ng mga kasambahay. At ilang sandali rin ay pinalitan na nila iyon ng appetizer.

“Aurelia, this is my son… Neil.” Natigilan pa ako sa pagkain nang marinig ko si Papa na magsalita.

Tinapunan naman ako nang tingin ng babae. She’s the wife of Ned. Mariin siyang tumingin sa akin.

“Nice to meet you. Welcome to the family.” She then said bluntly.

Tipid ko naman siyang nginitian at saka marahang tumango.

“Call her Tita Aurelia. She’s great, she can be your mom too.” Papa then stated lightly.

Nagkatinginan pa sila ni Tita Aurelia nang ilang sandali bago nila ako hinarap ng pareho. Wala namang nagbago sa ekspresyon ni Tita sa akin. She looks calm but at the same time not agreeing with what his husband proclaimed.

I think this is better than pretending that she likes me I guess.

“How’re the papers going, Ned?”

“Maayos naman Papa. Demarcus is working on it. Wala namang delay and it’s all in progress.”

Papa and Mama… They pronounce it in a quick way, not in a syllabic manner.

Naramdaman kong tumungo sa aking gawi ang tingin ni Lolo. Hindi ko naman maiwasang pangilabutan dahil sa sobrang seryoso nito.

“You’re changing your last name?” He then asked me in hostile.

Napabaling pa ako kila Enzo ng tingin bago sumagot.

“Opo,”

Mapanuri at may mapanghusgang tingin ang mga titig niya sa akin. But I didn’t look away. I glared at him back.

“That’s good then! You’ll be finally a Gutierrez.” It was grandma cheerfully said beside me.

“I don’t like the idea of you being a Gutierrez.”

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi ni Lolo.

“Ignacio! What are you saying? We are in front of the food so will you stop? Kita mong kararating lang ng bata.” Lola said to him.

Bigla naman akong nakaramdam ng kaba. Nag-iwas nalang ako ng tingin at itinuon nalang ang paningin sa pagkain nang maalis na ang appetizer sa hapag. Naramdaman ko namang nakatingin sa aking gawi si Enzo, Nics at Pierce.

“He’s gonna be a Gutierrez, but not on my wing.” I heard grandpa said with conviction.

Ramdam ko ang disgusto niya sa akin sa unang tingin pa lang. At gano’n din kay Tita Aurelia. Ayaw nila sa akin at tanggap ko iyon because I cannot please everybody. And thinking my situation and place to their family… I’m just a bastard who just acknowledges by my grandma and Ned, my father.

Kaya naiintindihan ko kung hindi man nila ako magustuhan na manatili rito. Hearing Lolo’s words that he hates the idea of changing my last name is already bugging me. What more if I stayed here for long. I don’t think that we can bond and have to get along. I can already feel and assume that he will just ignore and scourge me.

“Uhm, pagpasensyahan mo na ang iyong Lolo Ignacio. He’s just exhausted from work.” Lola mumbled beside me.

Tipid ko nalang na sinuklian ng hilaw na ngiti ang kaniyang sinabi. Ramdam ko ang tensyon ngayon sa hapag. Dahil sa pananahimik at simpleng pagtingin pa lang nila sa gawi ko, ay ramdam ko kung gaano ka-maawtoridad si Lolo.

Now I know why my parents chose to live abroad. Not because they prefer the weather there but because of this. That they want to raise me like their own far from the people who I should have been.

Not that they’re taking away my real life from me but to keep me safe from the possibility that I can maim here. Ned is my real father but my real mother is still a question mark to me.

I came and settle to live here with the Gutierrez family to see if I will fit into the world I am including. But also to know the truth from my Papa. Alam kong siya lang ang makakasagot nang lahat ng tanong ko. Alam kong siya lang din ang makakapagbigay ng pirasong nawawala sa buhay ko.

I have to know who my real mother is. I have to know where I really came from.

“Good evening, Mama. I’m sorry we’re late. Traffic sa daan,” I heard a deep huge voice said.

“Leonard! No, it’s fine. I’m glad that you come! Oh, dear Stella!” Lola said as she was kissed by the two couples who just get in the dining.

“Good evening, Mama. Pasensya na po at nahuli kami.” It was the womanly soft voice who spoke.

“It’s alright, Stella! Take your seats, come dine with us. You’re just in time. We were just starting our course.” Lola said at them happily.

Napatingin naman ako sa mag-asawang iyon na ngayon ay nasa aking likuran dahil nilapitan si Lola. They look the same age as my Dad and Mom. I smiled at the woman who met my glanced and gave me a welcoming smile.

Mabilis lang iyon dahil nilapitan din nila ang gawi ni Lolo para bumati. Hindi rin iyon nagtagal dahil tinungo na rin nila ang bakanteng upuan sa tabi ni Nics sa aming harapan. And when they get to sit on their chair, hindi ko na naalis pa ang tingin ko sa mag-asawa.

“Anyway, now that you’re here I want you two to meet my another apo. This is Neil Irish. And Neil, the gorgeous woman who just approach me is your Tita Stella, and the handsome man is your Tito Leonard. He’s the older brother of your father, Ned.” Pakilala sa akin ni Lola sa kanila.

“Nice to meet you po,” I was genuinely smiling when I said that to them.

“Welcome to the family. Finally, you were now home.” It was Tito Leonard who said that genuinely to me.

I smiled at them luminously. Hindi ako nag-alis ng tingin sa kanila.

“Finally, I meet you personally. Hindi ko alam na ganyan ka pala ka-ethereal sa personal. Nics send me some of your pictures so we can even know about you.” It was Tita Stella who spoke softly.

I smirked at her. “Thanks,” I simply responded at her compliment.

Tita Stella is also gorgeous, deadly gorgeous to say. Her features were like a goddess and Tito Leonard is like some greek god. Ned, my father as well as Tita Aurelia. They look like gods and goddesses. This family is indeed gorgeous.

“By the way, where is your son?” Lola then asked on them afterward.

Inaasikaso sila ng ilang maid dahil kadarating lang. At nang mag-angat ng tingin si Tita Stella sa akin ay agad siyang napangiti.

“He’s on his way Mama,” Tita Stella respond.

“Hindi niyo ba kasabay na pumunta rito?” It was Lolo who spoke this time.

“You know your grandson Papa. He has his way here himself.” Tito Leonard imparted.

“So where is he? I have to talk to him also about the work he is striving to revive.”

“Excuse me po mga señor, señora… Nandito na po si señorito.” The maid informed us as she slightly bowed her head.

“Patuluyin mo at sabihan na dumiretso na sa hapag kainan,” Lola commanded.

Yumuko lang ang kasambahay at saka mabilis na umalis. At nang hindi pa nagtatatlong segundo ay biglang sumulpot ang isang lalaki.

“Oh, there he is…” Tita Stella muttered.

The man who just came stood proudly at the end of our table. Pinasadahan niya kaming lahat ng kaniyang seryosong mga tingin at nang huminto sa aking gawi ang kaniyang mata ay natigilan ako.

His deep-set eyes darted on me with his lips form into an evil smirk. Oh well, another Pierce? No, he seems to be different from Pierce. Because this one is a hardheaded man with a boastful mouth.

“Lola… Lolo,” he then said in a deep large voice as he started walking on my way where Lola and Lolo are perching.

I blinked then looked down. Tinuon ko ang aking paningin sa piggan kong may pagkain at sinubukang hindi siya bigyan ng pansin nang makalapit siya sa aking likuran.

“Where have you been? What took you so long?”

“My apologies, La. May dinaanan pa po kasi ako.” I heard him explained with his deep large voice.

Then I saw him in my peripheral vision glance at me for seconds after she kissed grandma’s cheek. Damn, his face on the side of me was just inches away from me and it’s annoying.

And what more aggravated me is when he leans a bit his face on me! What the fuck is he doing. He really intended this to happen.

I gritted my teeth. Naramdaman ko pa ang isa niyang kamay na pumatong sa likuran ng sandalan ng aking upuan kung nasaan ang aking balikat. Napakislot pa ako nang dumikit ang kamay niya sa aking braso.

I gritted my teeth hardly. Ang lapit na ng kaniyang mukha ngayon sa aking kaliwang pisngi. I can even smell his perfume. Then I heard the small sound of twitching lips coming from him.

“Look what the cat dragged in. Good to see you…again Neil Irish.” His raucous voice filled my left ear as his breath touches my cheek.

Damn. Why the hell is he here? Is he the son of Tita Stella and Tito Leonard? I feel that this ain’t good. I can already sense it. This. Aint. Good.

Kabanata 2

Kabanata 2

Arcoiris

“Rhadmus, have you met Neil before?” Enzo asked him in front of me.

Naramdaman ko namang lumayo sa akin si Rhadmus. Nagbaba pa sa akin ang tingin ni Enzo na para bang nagulat siya na mukhang magkakilala kami.

“No, I don’t know him.” I immediately said.

Napalingon sa akin si Rhadmus sa aking tabi. Gano’n din sila Tita at Lola. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mailang.

“Yeah, we already met before. He maybe he just forgot it.” Rhadmus then interfere.

Ako naman ang napabaling sa kaniyang gawi ngayon. Nagtaas siya ng isang kilay at mayabang na nagsalitang muli.

“We met at a basketball game kasama sila Rainier, wala ka kasi no’n. He’s with his cousins at that time.” He continued then went down his eyes on me.

I arched my brows to him as well.

“That’s great then! You met Rhadmus na pala hijo,” it was Lola who spoke.

“It is not great for me, Ophelia. Excuse me, I want to rest now.”

“Ignacio? Maaga pa at hindi pa tayo tapos kuma-”

“Nawalan na ako ng gana. I’m full and I will make my way upstairs so I can leave at this blunt dining.” Seryoso at bakas ang pagkadisgusto sa boses ni Lolo nang sabihin niya iyon.

Tumayo siya sa kaniyang kinauupuan at saka kami tinalikuran paalis ng hapag. Natahimik naman sila Papa at Enzo, gayundin sila Tita Aurelia, Tita Stella at Tito Leonard. Walang umimik ni isa sa kanila pero ramdam ko sa tingin sa akin ni Tita Aurelia na ako ang sinisisi niya kaya umalis si Lolo sa hapag. Malakas pa siyang bumuntong hininga na nagpayuko sa akin.

“Uhm, pagpasensyahan mo na ang iyong Lolo. Marahil ay pagod lang talaga iyon sa opisina kanina.” Ani Lola sa aking tabi.

Nagsalubong naman ang tingin namin ni Papa. He simply gave me a small smile to assure me that everything is fine even I know that is not.

“Rhadmus,”

Natigilan pa muli kaming lahat nang magsalita si Lolo na nasa daan na palabas ng dining room. Hindi niya kami hinarap pero ramdam ko ang awtoridad sa kaniyang boses.

“Yes po, Lolo?”

“Come to my office when you are done eating. I need to know the progress of your work.”

“Sigi po,”

’Yon lang at umalis na rin si Lolo. Gustuhin ko mang magpabango sa kaniya ay hindi ko rin maramdaman na dapat ko pa bang gawin lalo na at ramdam ko namang ayaw niya sa akin.

“Pierce, lipat ka ng upuan,” I then heard Rhadmus’s voice command to Pierce who’s comfortably sitting beside me.

“Huh? Bakit? I’m not done eating yet. Fuck off.” Pierced uttered in annoyance.

“Gusto ko dito maupo sa tabi ni Neil.”

Halos mabilaukan ako sa tubig na ininom ko dahil sa sinabi ni Rhadmus.

“E’ gusto ko rin sa tabi ni Neil umupo, so back off.” Seryoso at malalim ang boses ni Pierce nang sabihin niya iyon kay Rhadmus ngayon.

Natigilan naman ako sa naging sagot nito.

“Ano ba kayong dalawa Pierce at Rhadmus. Halika rito Rhad, dito ka na sa aking upuan at tapos na rin naman ako sa pagkain.” Ani Lola kay Rhadmus na nananatiling nakatayo sa aking tabi.

Tumayo si Lola at tumawag ng mag-aasikaso ng pinggan ng lalaking ito na mauupo sa aking tabi. Hindi ko naman siya binalingan ng tingin nang makaupo siya sa aking tabi. At nang mapatingin ako sa harapan ko ay nakita kong nakangisi sa akin si Enzo. Napanguso naman ako. What’s with the smirk.

“Sa’n kwarto mo?” Mayamaya pa ay tanong ni Pierce sa aking tabi.

Napakurap kurap pa ako sa naging tanong niya. My brows shot up as I glance at him. I notice that he’s done eating reason why he became noisy again.

“I…don’t know yet.” I simply answered him.

“Kakarating lang namin Pierce at hindi pa niya nalilibot ang mansion.” It was Enzo who said that. Mukhang narinig ang tanong nito.

I put my spoon and fork on my plate in a twelve o’clock position. Tapos na ako ngayon sa pagkain at nakita kong tapos na rin ang lahat. Maliban sa katabi kong si Rhadmus na nag-uumpisa pa lamang.

“But I’m asking about his room, Enzo.”

“Yeah, it counts too. Hindi ko pa natuturo sa kaniya ang magiging silid niya.” Enzo replied.

“He can use the guest room for tonight. Hindi pa nalilinis ang kwartong gustong ukupahin ni Ned for him.” Tita Aurelia said.

“Is that so? Hindi pa ba napapaayos? I already said it to Manang last night ah,” Papa muttered to Tita Aurelia with his eyes in query.

“I’m sorry hon, may pinagawa kasi ako kila Manang kanina buong maghapon kaya hindi ko na napaasikaso sa kanila. Don’t worry, tomorrow it will be fine. Pwede nang do’n mag-stay si Neil.” Tita Aurelia explained to Papa.

“If that’s the case, why don’t you sleep in my room either tonight?” Pierce suggested.

“Pierce!” It was Rhadmus who exclaimed.

Nagulat pa kaming lahat maging si Tita Stella at ang kaniyang ama sa biglaang pagsigaw nito. Napatingin tuloy ako sa kaniya sa aking kaliwang tabi.

“Rhadmus you are in front of the meal. Please show respect.” Tita Stella imparted on him.

Nakita ko namang natigilan si Rhadmus at nagseryoso sa aking tabi.

“I’m sorry Mom… I just want to say that Neil is better to be staying in the guestroom for tonight. And Pierce, will you stop? We have a lot of works to do tonight.” Rhadmus shut him up.

“Oh, my bad. You’re right. Pero pwede pa rin siyang matulog sa kwarto ko tonight. Because my room was more comfortable and huge than the guest room.” Pierce insists.

Sumubo pa muna si Rhadmus at ngumuya bago siya nagsalitang muli.

“No, the guest room is more convenient for him. Baka nga malakihan pa siya ro’n.”

“You know what guys, you’re such a hypocrite. Si Kuya Enzo nga hindi nag-ooffer ng room niya for Neil tapos kayong dalawa kung makapag-decide for his room akala niyo kayo yung kapatid. What a joke.” Nics then said with the chuckles fluttered on her eventually.

“Nics is right. Mga ipokrito. Neil will stay in the guest room for tonight. That’s it.” Enzo declare.

Pinagmasdan ko lang siya at kalaunan ay napangiti sa kaniya ng tipid. Magmula nang malaman kong kapatid ko siya ay masasabi kong mas naging open at mabuti siya sa akin. He also became a bit strict to me in a way that I feel like everything I did, ay alam niya lahat. Not that I needed permission from him, it’s that like I was the one asking permission for him.

And I can’t deny that it satisfies me as well. Maybe because he’s the eldest. And I get an opinion to ask from my older brother now that I have it. Mas bata sa akin si Nics at siya ang pinakamatanda sa aming tatlo kaya siguro gano’n. But not at all times. Cuz I grew up independently as an eldest as well with Russco before.

Bigla ko tuloy na-miss ang kapatid ko. Napangisi pa ako ng malungkot nang maalala ang hitsura niya kanina sa bahay bago ako umalis. Don’t worry Russ, babawi si Kuya sa’yo pagbisita ko.

Hindi na rin naman kami nagtagal sa hapag kainan. Nang matapos ako ay nagpasiya si Papa at Enzo na ihatid ako sa guest room para makapagpahinga na rin ako.

Nagpaalam pa muna ako kila Tita Stella at Tito Leonard bago ako umalis ng dining. Gano’n din kay Tita Aurelia kahit pa mukhang wala siyang pakialam sa akin nang magpaalam ako sa kaniya. He’s the wife of Papa and the mother of Nics and Enzo, and I will still respect her even despites.

“Good night hijo. Sleep well and tomorrow I will take you around the mansion so you can get to know the place.” Lola said after she hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek.

“Salamat po. Good night din po.” Tangi ko nalang na nasabi dahil ramdam ko ang mainit nitong pag-welcome sa akin simula kanina.

“You are welcome hijo. I’m happy to see you here in our mansion finally. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako kasayang makita ka ngayon. So thank you for coming and staying here with us.” Lola Ophelia said to me genuinely.

Matamis akong napangiti ro’n. I know that I’m just a bastard. And that’s why my heart flattered so much to see Lola Ophelia, Tita Stella, Tito Leonard, Pierce, and Rhadmus treating me well. While Tita Aurelia and Lolo, I can even sense their disapproval for me but I still appreciate how true and great they are to still treat me not in a very rude way. Indirectly.

Hindi ko na nakausap pa sila Pierce at Rhadmus dahil naging okupado sila sa pinag-uusapan nila Tito Leonard tungkol sa opisina. Sinamahan naman ako ni Papa, Enzo at Nics para ihatid sa guest room kung saan ako mags-stay for tonight.

Umakyat kami ng hagdan at sa bawat lingon ko ay malayo ang nararating ng aking mga mata. Sobrang lawak ng mansion. The interiors are indeed great, it was a Spanish style yet with the touch of modernity. From the railings of their grandiose staircase through their carpeted floor and majestic chandeliers. I feel like I’m a bastard prince.

Kasabay ko si Nics na naglalakad sa pangalawang palapag habang sinusundan lang namin si Papa at Enzo na naglalakad patungong guestroom. Malawak ang second floor gaya ng first floor. Para kang nasa mall kaya hindi ko rin maiwasang mapagod sa paglalakad dahil sa dami ng silid ang mayroon sa palapag na ito.

“This is the room. Napaayos at napalinis naman na ito ni Mama kanina kaya nasisiguro kong makakapagpahinga ka ng mabuti rito.”

“Salamat po,” ani ko kay Papa na siyang nagbukas ng pintuan para sa akin.

Napasilip pa ako sa loob nang pumasok si Enzo ro’n at binuhay ang ilaw.

“Welcome, Neil. Salamat din.” Papa then uttered.

Nag-angat ako sa kaniya ng tingin. Pumasok si Nics sa loob at naiwan naman ako at si Papa na nakatayo sa pintuan ng silid.

“Thank you for giving me a chance para makabawi sa mahigit labing walong taon na wala ako sa tabi mo.” Dad’s voice was in deep as his eyes glisten on me now.

I blinked as I smirk weakly.

“I want to know who my real parents are. And also to know who I really was. Dahil sino ba naman ang mag-aakala na iba pala ako? I live in a family that only gave and shape me with love. And knowing na hindi pala ako sa kanila nanggaling ay nagkaroon ng puwang sa puso ko. Not for them because they have a special part in me. But because of you and of my real mother.” I said to him with my eyes narrowed on the floor.

Natahimik siya ng ilang sandali. Hindi pa namin napag-uusapan ang nakaran at alam kong hindi pa ito ang tamang oras para ro’n. But I want him to know that this chance I am giving to him is not also because of forgiving him. But also recognizing my real identity and finding the missing piece that the truth caused me.

“I know anak, I will do my best to fill the years of not being with your side. Babawi ako sa’yo. And I will tell you the truth, lahat lahat. I promise.”

Nag-angat ako kay Papa ng tingin. Nakita ko ang seryoso at bahagyang namumula niyang mga mata na nakatitig sa akin ngayon. Even his face is getting old, his skin was still stretched tightly. The fair skin of Guttierez is really dripping and flowing in my veins. I can see their genes pattern now.

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at pumasok na rin ako sa loob ng guest room. Naabutan ko si Nics na humihikab na rin nang makapasok ako sa loob. Kaya naman nang makita ako nitong pumasok ay nilapitan na niya ako.

“Good night, Kuya. Hope you don’t mind calling you my Kuya Neil?” Nics then said to me.

Nginisian ko naman siya. “There’s no case for me about it, Nics. Good night.” Ani ko sa kaniya.

Niyakap pa niya ako ng ilang saglit bago siya muling nagpaalam sa akin.

“I’m happy to see you live with us now. Welcome to the family Kuya Neil.” She said with her serious glares and alluring soft voice before she completely went out.

At nang tumingin ako sa gawing pintuan ay nakita ko si Papa na tanguan ako bago siya tuluyang umalis kasama si Nics paalis. Naiwan naman si Enzo na nakaupo sa aking kama. Nilibot ko muna ang tingin ko sa guestroom na tutulugan ko ngayong gabi. Napangisi ako nang maisip na inasahan ko nang mas doble nito ang lake ng kwarto ng aking silid noon.

Maybe I should start to assume things double or triple times extravagant and luxurious when it comes to the Gutierrez, I guess. They are well off, and they let you see it your own. Kaya siguro gano’n nalang din kung magsi-astahan sila Pierce at Rhadmus na sobrang hahangin.

“Magiging kumportable ka ba rito? You can sleep on my bed tonight if you’re not feeling comfortable here.”

Bumaling ako kay Enzo nang marinig kong magsalita siya. Marahan akong umiling sa kaniya.

“Ayos na ako rito, salamat.” Tipid kong ani.

Tiningnan niya ako at pinagmasdan pa ng ilang sandali. Umayos siya ng upo sa kama at saka idinikwatro ang kaniyang mga hita. His eyes focused on me like it’s surveying me deeply.

“I apologize about Lolo Ignacio’s approach with you earlier. Gano’n lang talaga si Lolo. Magkakasundo rin kayo no’n.” Aniya na mukhang napansin din iyon kanina.

Napabuga naman ako ng hangin at matunog na napangisi sa kaniya.

“No, it’s alright. I understand why he’s that-” he cutted me off.

“No, it’s not alright, okay? You’re my brother and you are his grandson as well. So he should treat you the way he treated us, equally. Ayaw kong isipin mo na iba ka sa amin Neil, naiintindihan mo ba ’yon?” Seryosong sabi niya sa akin ngayon.

Napasalikop naman ako sa aking mga braso. I saw him in my peripheral vision stood up from my bed then walk near my way in front of me.

“Enzo… I understand why Lolo reacts that way to me. I really do understand him. You have nothing to worry about,” patiuna kong ani sa kaniya.

“I know, cuz you’re not dumb. I’m just concerned for you. Ayaw ko lang na maramdaman mo na hindi ka welcome dito. It’s your home now as well. Alam kong naninibago ka pa dahil hindi na Arcoiris ang mga makakasama mo simula ngayon, pero sana ay matutuhan mo ring maging masaya kasama kaming bago mong pamilya.”

Kumurap kurap ako at saka sinalubong ang seryoso niyang mga matang nakatitig sa akin.

“I know. This might be a huge adjustment for me but I believe this shall pass. This is not just a phase in my life, kaya alam kong makukuha ko ring maging kampante sa inyong lahat.”

He nods his head slowly like he’s agreeing to what I said.

“Pagpasensyahan mo na rin kung naisipan naming sabihin na sa iyo ang totoo after Kaizer left. Actually, we planned it before, but then when I knew about the family controversy you are facing with Kaizer ay naisipan kong huwag nalang muna. Kaya nang mabalitaan kong umalis na si Kaizer ay pinahupa muna namin ang sitwasyon mo. Alam kong mahirap para sa’yo ang mga nangyayaring pagbabago sa buhay mo ngayon. So please don’t hesitate to tell me about your problems. I’m all ears, Neil.” Enzo said wholeheartedly to me.

I gritted my teeth. Then I nod my head at him. At kalaunan ay tinapik niya ang aking balikat para makapagpaalam na.

“Matagal kong hinintay na makasama at magkaro’n ng lalaking kapatid. That’s why I’m so glad to finally have you, Neil. Welcome to our family. G’night,” Aniya bago niya ako tinalikuran at isara ang pintuan palabas ng guest room.

Mahina akong bumuntong-hininga at naupo sa aking kama. Ilang saglit pa akong bumuntonghininga bago ako tumayo at tumungo ng bathroom para makapaglinis na ng sarili.

Now that I finally gonna live here ay hindi ko maiwasang maalala sila Mom, Dad at Russco. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko ay naho-homesick ako ngayon kahit isang gabi pa lamang akong mawawala sa kanila ngayon. I already miss them.

I let a sigh. I turn off the shower and pick up my towel. And as I dried myself ay hindi ko rin maiwasang maisip ang mga pinsan ko. After Kaizer left to go abroad ay hindi na kami nagkaayos pa nila Zach. It bothers me still lalo na at pati sila Zandra ay mukhang nagtampo rin sa akin kanina.

I’m worried and feel blue that having this new family is making them feel unimportant to me. ’Yon man ang alam nilang nasa isip ko ay gusto ko pa ring malaman nila na hindi iyon ang dahilan ko para humantong ako sa desisyong ito. It’s myself I’m taking care of this time. It’s myself that I’m putting attention and love for now.

Dahil ang malamang ampon ako at hindi isang tunay na Arcoiris ay nagpagimbal na sa buhay ko. Sobra akong nasaktan at ako mismo sa sarili ko ay hindi ko iyon magawang matanggap noong una. Hanggang sa natutuhan ko nalang din na tanggapin iyon at mas kilalanin pa ang sarili sa pagkakataong ito.

I have to move forward. That is the line that keeps on running inside my head. Because I feel stuck at the corner of a huge box. After all that happened to me and Kaizer, now this into myself ay mas lalo kong nakita na kailangan kong magpatuloy.

Dahil kung hindi ko iyon gagawin at hahayaan ang problema na magdikta sa akin ay walang mangyayari. Mananatili lang akong nakalugmok at walang nareresolba.

Remember that life is also a compilation of circumstances and failure. And if you’re in the phase of facing it all right now, just keep in mind that the good things are on their way for you. It’s not all about bad things, it’s also about experiencing the good things you deserve to have.

Nang gabing iyon ay nakatulugan ko ang pag-iisip sa mga bagay na kailangan kong i-work out on my own. Nakikinita ko na ring hindi magiging madali para sa akin ang landas na pinili kong tunguhin. But I will still risk it to become better.

The next morning I woke up ay maginhawa naman ang pakiramdam ko. Sinabi sa akin ni Papa nang makababa ako sa dining room for breakfast that my room is already good to take place. Kaya baka iyon ang atupagin ko ngayon, ang pag-aayos ng aking mga gamit.

Nang makaupo ako sa hapag ay napansin kong wala si Lolo at Pierce. Sila Rhadmus, Tita Stella and Tito Leonard naman ay alam kong may sariling bahay kaya hindi sila sa mansion nakatira.

At mukhang napansin ni Lola ang nagtataka kong tingin kaya naman ay sinagot na niya iyon.

“Maagang umalis ang Lolo mo at gano’n din si Pierce sa opisina.” Ani Lola sa akin.

Tumango lang ako at maliit na napangiti. Naging mabilis naman ang naging pagkain ko ng breakfast. Plano sanang ilibot ako ni Lola sa mansion ngayong umaga kaso ay mukhang sumama ang pakiramdam niya kaya hindi na rin natuloy. Nagpahinga nalamang siya sa kaniyang silid.

Habang ako naman ay inasikaso nalamang ang aking silid. It was still on the second floor at mas malaki iyon kumpara sa guest room nilang napakalaki na para sa akin. Nang mapansin kong nakasalansan na rin ang mga damit ko sa closet na galing sa luggage ko ay wala na rin pala akong ibang gagawin.

Kaya naman nang maalala kong malapit na ulit mag lunes at magpapasukan na naman ay inabala ko ang sarili sa pag-aayos ng aking schedule. I was now studying my first year in college. Ilang linggo lang din nang mag-umpisa ang pasukan. Everything seems fine and normal to me.

Ang nagbago nga lang ay ’yong hindi ko na nakakasama pa ang grupo ng mga pinsan ko sa school. Para nalang akong hangin sa kanila tuwing magkakasalubong kami. And I’m worried lalo na ngayon at mukhang galit na rin sa akin sila Marcos.

May ilan naman akong mga nakakasamang mga kaibigan pero iilan nalang iyon. Hindi ko na rin nakakasama pa sila Mark, Renz at Levon dahil naging abala na rin sila sa kanilang mga career. And as a freshman in the university pakiramdam ko tuloy ay loner ako na never kong naisip na magiging gano’n ako.

Not that no one is approaching me. In fact maraming gustong makipagkaibigan sa akin. It’s just that myself who is contradicting in the idea of making friends and getting involved with them. Kaya naman wala akong sinasamahan sa school maliban kay Enzo. Same university na kami ngayon at hindi ko rin inasahan na kahit ang mga pinsan ko ay lilipat.

Nakakalungkot mang isipin na kami kami ang magkakasama noon tapos ngayon ay hindi na nila ako nagagawang balingan ng tingin. It’s hurting my ego seeing them laughing and being happy without me. Alam kong nagkamali ako pero sana naman ay magawa na nila akong pagbigyan pang muli.

I’m hoping that they’ll give me a chance to change and prove to them that after what happened to me and Kaizer ay hindi na muling mangyayari pa iyon. Gusto kong magkaayos kaming magpipinsan kahit na hindi na ako magiging isang tunay na Arcoiris pa… Kahit hindi na ako ganap na Arcoiris.

Name: Neil Irish Gutierrez

Father: Ned Gutierrez

I clenched my jaw and licked my lips as I saw the soft copy of my birth certificate that Tito Demarcus sent in my email. I’m not an Arcoiris anymore. I’m a Gutierrez now.

Sinarado ko ang aking laptop at saka ibinaba sa kama sa aking tabi. Then I get my phone to call Mom about it but then a call showed up suddenly.

It was an unknown number. Napakunot pa ako ng noo bago ko iyon sinagot.

“Hell-” Bungad ko sa tumawag sa akin nang bigla siyag nagpatiunang magsalita.

“So you’re not an Arcoiris anymore. Seriously? You get to change your surname just because of your stupid love for him? I can’t believe you.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa seryoso at matalim na boses na iyon sa kabilang linya. Napaayos ako ng upo at pagsandal sa headboard ng aking kama.

“If you think that you can be with Kaizer just because you changed your surname. Hell no. Dahil magpinsan pa rin kayo sa mata namin at sa mata ng iba. You guys are both men. What a nuisance. So disgusting. So gross. That up until now, you’re still making me sick of it.”

Kabanata 3

Kabanata 3

Cousins

“K-Kelsy?”

“Oh Neil, you really did not change. Kaizer has his own life now. Away from us…away from you. So stop doing crazy shits like you two will connect.” She stated in an annoyed tone.

She’s in rage and I can feel that through the tone of her voice. What the hell is she talking about? Napabalikwas ako sa pagkakasandal sa headboard ng aking kama. Tumayo ako at tinungo ang balkonahe ng aking silid.

“Anong ibig mong sabihin Kelsy? I’m already done with it. I am not into Kaizer anymore and if you think that I’ve done changing my surname implies having him, you get it wrong. I do it for myself.”

“Oh shut up, I know what you’re doing Neil! Kung noong nalaman kong aalis ka na papunta kila Enzo ay nalungkot pa ako, now I regret feeling awful for it. Because I prefer you gone than having in our lives deteriorating each of us.” She fired on me in fume before she dropped the call.

Naiwang nakaawang ang aking mga labi. I was about to say something when she dropped the call disrespectfully. I blinked. What the fuck.

Changing my surname doesn’t mean wanting Kaizer back. Why Kelsy is so mad that getting and having my life now could’ve intruded on me. Minsan na akong nagkamali at sinubukan kong itama iyon. Hiniwalayan ko si Kaizer and now we’re both choosing the path that is made to be the best for us.

Pero bakit hindi magawang makuha nila Kelsy na hanggang do’n nalang ’yon? That we are already done with that stupid love they are against in the very first place.

Malakas na buntonghininga ang pinakawalan ko bago ako tumuloy papasok pabalik sa aking kwarto. Magkasalubong ang dalawa kong kilay na pabagsak na umupo sa aking kama. Tinuon ko ang aking paningin sa carpet sa sahig. I put my phone beside my sit.

Kung gano’n ang iniisip ni Kelsy na dahilan ko kung bakit ako nagpaiba ng apelyido ay paano pa kaya sila Zach. Thinking of it practically, I should now assume that they think the worse of me. Lalo pa at gano’n ang nangyari sa parking bago ako umalis ng condo.

Arcoiris family is a big part of me. Without them, I can’t be the person who I am today. At ang mawala sila isa isa sa akin ay hindi ko kakayanin. Even after that stupid mistake, I commit with Kaizer, I still can’t risk losing them. Like I said they mean everything to me. And I cannot ever afford to dissipate them.

I have to talk to them. I need to explain everything to them. They have to know where I’m coming from and where my decisions are rooting in. I want them to understand that on the other side of me, I’m still one of them even it’s trivial.

“What a jerk, Pierce! Get off,”

“Hahaha, why? Isn’t she hot as hell? Don’t me Rhadmus, I know you very well.”

“No, she’s not my type. So stop the hell from it, you dork.”

I heard the familiar voice of the two men outside of my room getting near. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa nakabukas na pintuan ng aking silid nang pumasok si Pierce at Rhadmus. Bahagya pa akong natigilan nang makita ang kanilang mga suot.

Pierce is wearing his blue jean pants with his plain printed white top shirt that fits his muscular shoulders. While Rhadmus with his aviator clung to his leather jacket on his shoulder. He’s wearing a plain black shirt that also hugs his upper body faultlessly sported with his Martin’s leather boots. Damn, they both look sultry.

“Ah-huh, maybe I was wrong cuz you have now changed your perceptions about women.” I saw Pierce muttered as his glares slowly turn on my way.

Napakurap ako.

“Fuck you, Pierce,” Rhadmus said on him brutally calm as I saw him arched his brow on me.

Parehas na nila ako ngayong tinitingnan ng tuwid habang nakaupo ako sa gilid ng aking higaan.

“Are you just woke up?” Ani Rhadmus na iniwan si Pierce na nakatayo sa pintuan. Naglakad siya palapit sa akin.

“No, kanina pa ako gising,” I said after I shook my head.

Gumalaw ang kilay niyang nakaarko na parang hindi naniniwala sa sinabi ko. Weird.

“Then why do you dress up like that?” Aniya pa na pinasadahan ng nakangiwing mga labi ang aking suot.

“Huh? I just took my bath earlier kaya ako nakaganito-”

“You what? Just took your bath? A while ago?” He asked gravely on me.

Napakunot naman ako ng noo. “Oo, bakit?” Tanong ko sa kaniya dahil mukhang hindi na naman makapaniwala ang kaniyang hitsura.

Mayamaya pa ay nakita ko namang lumapit na rin sa aming gawi si Pierce na sinarado pa ang pintuan ng aking silid bago dumiretso sa amin. Nakaupo pa rin ako sa gilid ng kama habang ang dalawa ay parang diyos na humuhusga sa aking harapan ngayon kung makatingin.

“Hey Neil,” Pierce muttered with the playful smirk plastered on his lips.

Tinaasan ko naman siya ng isang kilay.

“What’s…up?” Alinlangan kong tanong sa kaniya pabalik.

Okay. I really don’t know them deeply. Dahil kakakilala ko lang sa kanila kagabi. Kahit pa nakita ko na noon si Rhadmus ay hindi ko pa rin sila kilala. They are still stranger to me. But not when the thought of they are my cousins too came.

Oh, they are my cousins…

“You look like shit. Mukha kang hindi naligo. And with your shirt like that? Really?” Rhadmus said disgustedly to me.

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi niya. Si Pierce naman ay binalingan ang pinsan niyang may nandidiring tingin sa akin at saka nagsalita.

“Ha? Hindi naman ah. Neil looks cute with his oversized shirt and shorts. Though… I find it jologs.” Pierced seconded weirdly.

What the fuck they are saying? Hindi ako tumira rito para matahin ng dalawang ’to. Even their bodies are bulk and huge. Even they are inches taller than me, I won’t let them humiliate me this way. No fucking way!

“Tss, does uncle Ned and Enzo didn’t inform you? You should wear formal-” I cutted Rhadmus off.

“You guys are not funny,” I said seriously with my deep voice.

Rhadmus brows shot up. He even took another step near me. “Oh, did we offend you brah? Sorry but nah, you really wearing shit clothes. Ano nga ulit yung term mo don, Pierce?” Tanong pa niya sa lalaking nakapamulsa sa harapan ko.

“They called it ‘jologs’ brah, hindi mo ba alam yon?” Pierce answered.

“I don’t know that word but it seems trash to me. So I think that’s the accurate word to describe Neil’s clothing right now.” Prenteng ani Rhadmus na para bang alam na alam niya ang kaniyang sinasabi.

What. The. Fuck. These two are insane assholes. I’m only wearing my loose black shirt and shorts. What’s wrong with that? Nakapambahay ako at anong jologs don? Tangina, never pa akong nasabihan ng jologs. I have a taste when it comes to fashion. What the hell.

“Yesterday you look perfect- I mean good…better. But now, why are you wearing that crap?” Nagtataka pang tanong ni Rhadmus sa akin.

Napatingin naman ako kay Pierce na mukhang nagpipigil ng tawa sa mga sinasabi ng gagong pinsan niya. Tangina, trip ba ako ng dalawang to?

“Ganiyan ba kahirap yung pamilyang umampon sa’yo noon kaya ’yan lang yung dala mo papunta rito? Wait, sasabihan ko si uncle na dumaan sa mall so he can buy you branded clothes.” Rhadmus added in an innocent way.

Agad namang kumulo ang dugo ko sa sinabi niya. Tang ina. Kanina pa siya ah. Sumusobra na e’. Kaya naman in a split of seconds, I stood from my bed and gripped the neckband of his black shirt.

“Don’t you ever humiliate my parents in front of me, asshole,” I said straight on his face in a deep stern voice.

Matalim ang tingin ko sa kaniya nang sabihin ko iyon habang siya naman ay nakatingin lang sa akin at walang reaksyon. Na para bang hindi siya nagulat sa biglaang paghablot ko sa kwelyo niya. Kumurap siya.

“Are you done?” He then muttered lightly.

My brows arched on him in fume. Ngumisi pa siya sa akin pagkaraan na animong mas iniinis pa ako ng sobra. I gritted my teeth.

“Okay, stop with the sudden outburst Neil. Rhadmus is just worried about you.” I then heard Pierce said beside me naturally.

Hindi ko siya binalingan ng tingin. Nananatili ko pa ring mahigpit na hinahawakan ang kwelyo ni Rhadmus.

“The fuck he’s worried about me. You are just both humiliating me! Tang ina niyong dalawa!” Sigaw ko sa kanila sabay tulak kay Rhadmus.

Gago pala sila e’. Anong akala nila? That I’m dumb? No fucking way. Kung may nakuha man ako sa mga Arcoiris, walang iba kun’di ang huwag hayaang magmukha akong tanga sa ibang tao.

“Woah, chill brah. We’re not humiliating you. We are just saying the truth.” Pierce then said to me with his eyes in animation.

Napakuyom ako.

“Gago ka Pierce, who said that I’m worried about him? I’m worried about my reputation, not him.” Mukhang galit namang sinabi ni Rhadmus kay Pierce na nakangiwi naman ngayon.

Tangina. Mga baliw ba sila?

Saglit na nagkatinginan ang dalawang abno bago tumapon sa akin ang kanilang mga mata.

“You know what, just change your clothes now,” Rhadmus then said to me with authority.

Kung seryoso siya kanina ay mas seryoso na siya ngayon. Napakunot ang noo kong magkasalubong na nakatingin sa kaniya. Hindi ko makuha kung nang-iinsulto ba silang dalawa o sadyang ganiyan lang ang mga ugali nila.

“Why would I? After your mean judgments, sa tingin mo gagawin ko yung sinabi mo? And for your information, branded ’tong t-shirt na suot ko.”

Nakita kong mapakurap silang dalawa sa sinabi ko.

“O-Okay, but it still look jologs-”

“Why the hell you’d have to call me jologs Rhadmus?!”

“Damn, because it’s jologs?” He answered innocently.

Putang ina. Ngayon lang ako magmumura ng ganito at dahil pa sa ibang taong walang kwenta. Putang ina lang talaga.

“Hahahaha, pagpasensyahan mo na si Rhad. He’s just filthy rich kaya nababaduyan siya sa suot mo. But don’t worry, even I.”

Laglag panga naman ako sa sinabi ni Pierce. What’s wrong with these people?

“No, just kidding.”

“Tang ina niyong dalawa. Nakapambahay lang ako rito tapos jologs na? You guys are so mean.” I said then turn my back on them.

“W-Wait where are you going?” Nabobosesan kong tanong ni Pierce.

“I may be new to this house but I’m not here to be played and bullied by the two of you. Assholes.” Ani ko sa kanila nang makuha ko ang aking cellphone sa kama.

At saktong pagkaharap ko sa kanila ay natigilan ako sa sobrang lapit ng mukha ni Rhadmus sa akin. He was towering me. Hindi ko namalayang humakbang siya palapit sa aking likuran.

“I said change your clothes now, Neil Irish. Do it.” He commanded right in front of my face with his gravely eyes that are directing on me sharply.

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin. Our face was an inch away from each other and I can already feel his breath. Yeah, and he smells freaking good.

“I said, I. Will. Not…gonna do it.” I said every word with conviction.

Because why would I conform to him? He’s not Enzo nor my Papa though. And the heck of him calling me with my full name. Feeling close e’ ang hangin naman.

Gumapang ang mga mata ko sa kaniyang bagang nang makita kong gumalaw iyon. I even smirked when I feel him getting annoyed. Jologs pala ah. Tingnan natin ngayon kung hanggang saan ang kaya ng kayabangan mo. Porque naka-formal wear kayo lagi sa mansion lalaitin mo na yung pambahay kong suot. Fuck you, Rhadmus.

“You don’t want? Then let me do it for you.” He then said to me meaningfully.

Ngumisi pa siya bago siya lumayo sa akin. Hindi niya inalis ang seryoso niyang mga mata sa akin habang ang kaniyang mga labi ay malademonyong nakangisi sa akin.

“Oh damn, this sounds trouble. Kung ako sa’yo Neil, I will gonna just change my fucking clothes right now. As in right away.” Pierce said to me with a mocking glares.

At nang bumaling ako kay Rhadmus, nakita kong kuhanin niya ang cellphone niya. I saw him dial on his phone. At nang mailagay niya iyon sa kaniyang tainga ay agad na tumapon sa akin ang nayayamot niyang mga mata.

Pinangunotan ko naman siya ng noo at saka nagtatakang pinanood sa susunod na gagawin.

“Hello, are you all downstairs? Alright, good. Now, call my battlers and tell them to get Neil inside his room and put him inside my car. Oh, what if he doesn’t? You know what to do. Punched his abdomen or kick his balls. Use physical force so he knows what he needs to do. Just at least make sure he’s still can breathe. Yes, you can now go and get him here.” Rhadmus said darkly then put his phone down later on.

What the heck. Napakagat labi ako sa ginawa niya. Man, are you serious about all of this? He’s not even some kind of gangster cuz he’s rich and clearly not a Mafia boss so why the heck speak like that? Nagpapatawa ba siya?

“They’re on the stairs now…” Pierce said to me like he knows it.

Napangiwi naman ako sa kanilang dalawa. Are they for real? Damn, I can’t stop myself from laughing this time. Kaya naman malakas na akong napahalakhak sa kanilang dalawa.

“What the fuck, Rhadmus. I know you’re filthy rich but why would you even say a command like that? You’re making me laugh, goddamn it!” I tried to say in the midst of my harshly guffaw.

Nakapikit pa akong napahawak sa aking tiyan sa sobrang tawa sa kanilang dalawa ni Pierce. Damn it. They are older than me but I didn’t expect that they are still into playing.

“Get him,”

Bahagya pa akong naluluha sa sobrang tawa nang magmulat ako ng aking mga mata. Kasi naman ay naramdaman kong may humawak sa magkabila kong braso. At do’n ako natigilan nang makita ko ang mga nakaunipormeng mga lalaki na hindi mo aakalaing mga battlers pala. Because they are wearing suits like some businessman!

“T-Teka ano ’to?” I asked Rhadmus and Pierce who’s smirking evilly in front of me when the men’s hands on my both hand are gripping my arm tightly. Damn it, it hurts!

Mala-demonyo naman akong nginitian ni Rhadmus habang si Pierce ay mayabang lang na nakatingin sa akin.

“Making you change your clothes so we can go immediately. Hindi ba at ayaw mo kanina? Now let’s see if you still can say no to this.” Rhad said hostily with an evil mocking smirk dutched on me.

Nakita ko namang tumaas ang isang kilay ni Pierce na nagbigay senyas sa dalawang lalaking mahigpit na gumagapos sa akin. What the heck?! Kaya naman nang hilahin na ako ng dalawang lalaki ay nagpumiglas ako.

“What the fuck are you two going to do with me?! I’m going to say this to Papa and Enzo if you both will not stop this! I’ll tell them about it if you don’t stop it now!” I shouted to them who seems unbothered.

Darn it!

“Tangina niyo! Nananahimik ako rito sa kwarto ko tapos manggugulo kayo?! Lumabas kayo at iwanan ninyo ako! Motherfuckers! Get out and let me go! Goddamnit!” I shouted loudly because they were not doing anything to stop their men.

Pilit naman akong pumipiglas sa dalawang lalaki na sobrang higpit ng pagkakahawak sa akin. Lumapit si Rhadmus sa harapan ko na may seryosong mga tingin.

Napupuyos sa inis ko naman siyang sinamaan ng tingin.

“Well, we supposed to eat and enjoy now if you just conform me.” He muttered gravely.

“Fuck you,” I blurted out to him.

“Right Pierce?” Tanong pa niya kay Pierce na may nakakalokong ngisi sa mga labi. Isa pa ’tong gago na ’to.

“Yep. We actually got here to ask you to go out with us. You know? Getting to know each other dahil kagabi ka lang namin nakilala personally. But it seems your off about it, kaya sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, sasama ka sa amin.” Pierce stated.

“What?” Hindi makapaniwala kong tanong sa kaniya.

“Anong what? You choose, magbibihis ka ngayon ng hindi jologs na damit o mabubugbog ka muna ng mga tauhan ko bago ka magbihis?” Eksaheradang ani Rhadmus sa akin sa seryosong tono.

Masama ko muna silang pasalit salit na tiningnan bago ako pasighal na nagsalita.

“Fine!” Naiirita kong ani.

“Good, now change your clothes and we’re gonna wait for you outside. Let’s go, Pierce.” Rhadmus cockily said to me then turn his back going outside my room.

“See yah,” Pierce muttered cooly then winked on me before he walk next to Rhad.

Napailing-iling naman ako sa kabaliwan nilang dalawa. Binitiwan naman na ako ng dalawang lalaki na yumuko pa sa akin at humingi ng paumanhin dahil sa sobrang higpit ng pagkakahawak nila sa akin kanina.

“Pasensya na po sir, napag-utusan lang ni Boss.” Halos sabay pang ani ng dalawa.

Hindi ko nalang sila pinansin. I’m sure that they’re saying their apologies to me coz I’m their boss too. Napangisi naman ako ron. Hmm…

“Sandali,” ani ko sa dalawng tauhan na humawak sa akin kanina na palabas na ng pintuan.

Huminto sila at sabay akong hinarap.

“You’re Papa’s men, right?”

“Yes sir,” they answer in unison.

Nakitaan ko pa ng takot ang mga mata nila nang mapangisi ako.

“Ah sir, huwag niyo po sana kaming ipasisante kay Boss. Parang awa niyo na.”

“Ako rin po sir, kailangan ko po ang trabahong ito at manganganak na ang misis ko. Huwag niyo ho kami ipasisante kay Boss.”

Napakurap naman ako sa sinabi ng dalawa. Napaawang pa ang aking bibig. Damn. I never say that I will make them fired. Lumapit pa ang dalawa sa akin at akmang luluhod sa harapan ko.

“S-Sandali anong ginagawa niyo? What the–” natigilan ako nang lumuhod silang dalawa sa harapan ko.

“Sir, pakiusap huwag niyo ho kaming ipasesante–”

“What? No! Hindi ko gagawin ’yon. Tumayo kayong dalawa. Damn.” Nagigitla kong ani because no one kneeled on me that way.

At nang tumayo silang dalawa ay hindi ko mawari ang nararamdaman ko. Paano ba naman ay parang ako pa ang nakonsensya sa ginawa nila sa akin. Shit. Si Rhadmus ang dapat na lumuhod at humingi ng paumanhin sa akin e’ at hindi ang dalawang ito.

Humanda lang talaga sa akin ’yang dalawang ’yan mamaya. Palibhasa ay lumaking mayayaman kaya kung umasta ay akala mo kung sinong mga hari. Assholes brats.

Pinalabas ko na ang dalawang tauhan na lumuhod pa sa harapan ko para lang hindi matanggal sa kanilang mga trabaho. Wala naman silang masamang ginawa sa akin kaya wala rin akong balak na gawin iyon sa kanila. Even if they really hurt me earlier, sila Rhad at Pierce ang parurusahan ko.

Napailing nalang ako nang maalala kung gaano ka-mean si Rhad sa aking suot kanina. Mayabang na nga siya nung unang kita ko sa kaniya tapos ngayon makikita ko pa ang lahat ng baho niya. Correction, hindi lang makikita dahil ako mismo ay makakaranas…first hand. Oh god. Hindi ko alam kung paano kong maaatim ang lahat ng iyon.

And Pierce…he’s like some accomplice who just always agreed to what Rhad is up to. He was so playful and I can see that already.

Damn, sa tingin ko naman ay makakatagal ako sa kanila. Dahil kung ikukumpara ang kabaliwan at kalokohan ng mga pinsan ko sa kanila ay walang wala pa. Spoiled brat lang ang mga ’to.

Nagpalit ako ng damit na maayos at mas pormal. Dahil nahiya naman ako kay Rhad na naka leather jacket lang e’ akala mo kung sino nang humusga.

I went out of my room with only my phone. Bumaba ako ng hagdan at dumiretso sa bulwagan ng bahay. Magpasahanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mamangha sa laki at lawak ng mansion na ito. Lalo na sa bawat muwebles na nadadaanan ko na mukhang mas mahal pa ang halaga sa buhay ni Rhad at Pierce. I smirked at that idea.

Pagkalabas ko ng bulwagan ay bumaba naman ako sa ilang hagdan pababa patungo sa sasakyan na naghihintay sa tapat nito. Wala akong nakitang mga tauhan ngayon na nakaabang sa amin gaya nung kahapon. Nang makababa ako ay inilibot ko pa ang paningin ko sa malawak na kalsada at malaking fountain na nasa tapat lang ng mansion.

Nasaan na ang dalawang ’yon?

Napalingon ako sa kanang gilid ko nang marinig ko ang malakas na tunog ng tatlong motorsiklo na pumarada sa likuran ng kotse. At nang huminto iyon ay bumaba sila Rhadmus at Pierce na nakahelmet pa na marahang tinanggal iyon sa kanilang mga ulo. Ang isang motor naman ay minaneho lang ng isa sa mga tauhan namin.

“Come on up, Neil. I don’t want to go home late so hurry up.” Rhadmus said to me bossily.

Bigla namang hinagis ni Pierce sa akin ang isang malaki at mabigat na helmet. Fuck shit! Muntik ko pang hindi iyon masalo! Isinunod pa niyang inihagis sa akin ang susi. What the hell!

“Sumunod ka lang sa amin,” ani Pierce sabay turo sa isang motor na minaneho ng isang tauhan kanina.

Nakasakay na sila sa kanilang mga motor at ako nalang ang hinihintay para makaalis na kami. Ngunit napalunok pa ako nang makita ko ang motor na inginuso niya sa akin. Oh jeez. It’s a black Ducati. And when my eyes went on Pierce motorcycle I gulped hard, it’s Ecosse ES1 Spirit. At mas malalim akong napalunok nang matantong Neiman Marcus Limited Edition Fighter naman ang kay Rhadmus! Like why the fuck on earth will he buy those most expensive motorbikes?!

Oh crap. I can’t ride on that. Kung ang mga muwebles sa loob ng mansion kanina ay mas mahal pa sa buhay nilang dalawa ay iba naman itong mga motorbikes nila. Hindi nito matutumbasan ang buhay ko, fuck shit! It’s not cheap motorbikes. It’s luxurious and expensive like the most!

“Hey, get in!”

I snapped out of my reverie when Rhadmus’s voice struck me. Napakurap pa ako at saka siya binalingan.

“I-I’m not going. Dito nalang ako sa mansion.” I stutteringly said.

“What? But you already change your clothes so why backing out?” It was Pierce who asked.

I licked my lips. “Akala ko sa kotse tayo sasakay? And look at my outfit. I’m not dressed up to just ride on a motorcycle…” A very expensive motorbikes. I reasoned out. “Kayo nalang, hihintayin ko nalang sila Enzo at Nics–”

“No, come with us. Furthermore, Enzo and Nics are already in the place we’re gonna go in,” Rhadmus said.

Napakagat labi naman ako. “Ayoko na sumama, sa susunod nalang. Kayo nalang.” Pagtanggi ko sa kanila.

Nilapitan ko ang isang tauhan namin at saka binigay sa kaniya ng helmet na hinihagis ni Pierce sa akin kanina. Ramdam ko namang pinapanood ako ng dalawa sa bawat ginagawa ko. At nang talikuran ko na sila para makaakyat na ng bulwagan ay napahinto ako.

“Wait, don’t tell me you don’t know how to drive a motorbike that’s why you’re not going.”

Napakagat labi ako sa sinabi ni Rhadmus. I didn’t look back cuz I can’t face them. Pero ano naman ngayon kung hindi nga ako marunong magmaneho ng motor? Paano ba naman ay kotse lang ang natutunan kong aralin noon.

Nabuburyo at nakaarko ang isang kilay kong hinarap ang dalawa na naabutan kong may multo ng nang-iinsultong mga ngisi sa kanilang mga labi.

Oh god, here they are again. I didn’t know I will going to have a cousin who’s so oppressive, mean, and extremely overbearing. Darn it.

Kabanata 4

Kabanata 4

Talk

“Woah, really?” Pierce said not in a surprised tone but in a mockery manner.

I furrowed my brows as I glanced at them both. Rhadmus even pouted his lips like he’s stopping himself to laugh at me.

“I thought we will use the car. And also Hindi pa pala ako nakakapagpaalam kay Lola Ophelia na aalis tayo.” I reasoned out again just to divert them from thinking the fact that I really don’t know how to drive that stuff.

“Huwag mong alalahanin si Grandma, we ask for her permission about it. In fact, she’s actually glad to hear my idea of it having a hang out with you.” It was Rhad who pertain to my reasoning.

Napakurap kurap naman ako. “Gano’n ba? But…but I really cannot go out with you-”

“Shut that crap of reasonings, Neil. Hindi ka lang talaga marunong mag-motor. Hahaha.” Pierce cutted me off with my alibi.

Damn. Kailangan talaga tumawa Pierce? Tss. Halos tumirik pa ang mata ko nang marinig ko pang matawa ang isang malakas na hangin na nasa harapan ko. Yabang talaga tang ina.

“Pasok na ako sa loob.” Nabubwiset kong ani at saka sila tinalikuran paakyat ng hagdan.

Mga gago. Akala ko naman at matitino ang mga ito pero mukhang trip lang talaga ako. Fuck. Bakit si Enzo ay hindi naman ganito ang ugali? He’s more serious and to compare with these two, they are mushrooms. At masamang damo pa dahil kung makahusga wagas.

Umakyat na ako ng hagdan patungong bulwagan para tuluyan nang makalayo sa kanila. Ngunit nang marinig kong magsalita silang muli ay tumigil ako sa paghakbang.

“Sandali! Sumama ka pa rin sa amin kahit hindi ka marunong mag-motor!” Dinig kong sigaw ni Pierce.

Nakatalikod ako sa kanila at hindi na hinarap pa dahil tuluyan na akong nawalan ng gana na umalis kasama sila. With people like them? Nanlalait din naman ako at sila Kelsy pero hindi naman kasing lala ng kay Rhadmus at kasing inis ng kay Pierce. They are just so annoying.

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa alam nilang anak lang ako sa labas ni Papa kaya nila ako ginaganito. O sadyang ganiyan lang talaga ang kanilang mga personality. But damn it. If they are just really playing here to mocked me deep down to the bone just like how Rhad criticizes my Dad and Mom a while ago, hindi ako magdadalawang isip na sapakin sila.

I’m not here to make any commotion and issues with them. I’m here to get to know myself and as well as to recognize who’s my parents are. If what kind of people are they. To experience how would my life will be if I’m living with them since then I was born.

“Neil, sandali! Fuck, wait!” It was Rhadmus voice who keeps on cursing.

Hindi ko sila nilingon at nagtuloy lang ako sa pag-akyat ng hagdan patungong bulwagan kaya siya ngayon nagsusumigaw sa kakatawag sa akin. What is him? A boss? My boss? Kung sinong makapag-demand akala mo kung sino.

Unang kita palang namin sa court noon ay gusto ko na siyang sapakin. What more now na ganiyan ang trato niya sa’kin? Baka mapatay ko pa siya tang ina niya.

Nasa double doors na ako nang maramdaman kong may humaltak sa braso ko.

“What the fuck-”

“Where are you going?” Rhadmus asked with his sharp eyes directed at me.

Tinaasan ko naman siya ng isang kilay. Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa kamay niyang mahigpit na humahawak sa braso ko ngayon. Napansin niyang natutop doon ang tingin ko sa kamay niya pero hindi pa rin niya ako binitawan.

“Bitiwan mo ang braso ko.” Mariin kong sinabi dahil naiinis na ako sa higpit ng pagkakahawak niya sa akin.

“No. Sumama ka sa amin then I will let your arm free.” Nang-iinis pa niyang sagot sa seryosong tono.

Aba’t gago ngang talaga siyang tunay. Isang sabi ko pa na bitawan niya ang kamay ko at kapag hindi niya ginawa, I’ll make sure that my hard fist will undoubtedly meet his face in no time.

“I said let go of my hand-”

“I said no as well Neil.”

I clenched my jaw. And as I said, I’m gonna hit this man so hard. He was holding my left arm while my right hand was free. Kaya naman sa sobrang inis ko ay ginamit ko ang kanang kamay ko at sinapak ang mukha niya.

Tumagilid ang mukha niya dahil sa ginawa ko. I pulled my arm from his hold but when I tried, he even gripped his hand rigidly on me. Pumiglas ako dahil hindi ko akalaing mas hihigpitan niya pa ang hawak sa braso ko.

“Fuck, let go of me or I’ll gonna punch you in the face again?!” I shouted at him.

Ngunit nang hinarap niya ako ay sumilay sa akin ang seryoso at matalim niyang mga mata. His jaw was moving and as my eyes went down through his mouth, I saw the side of his lips redden with the shire of blood in a small cut appeared on it.

“Punched me and I’ll get you punished.” His voice was hostile and in a deep husk when he said that.

Napatiim bagang naman ako sa sinabi niya. I stare at him and equaled the dim of his glares on me. And as we stare at each other darkly, I attempt to get myself off of him. But the moment I move, he gripped my arm more hardly. Hindi ko naman na napigilan pang mapainda dahil sa sobrang higpit ng pagkakahawak niya sa akin.

“Augh! Rhadmus masakit! Bitawan mo ako!” I groaned while his eyes remained in the dark glares.

Hinawakan ko na ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa akin para itulak at ialis sa pagkakahawak sa akin. But he was so strong to even let me go.

“Are you coming or not?” He then asked me in hostile.

Napakagat labi ako at saka mariing napapikit dahil sa sakit ng pagkakahawak niya sa akin. Damn, ganito ba talaga siya mag-aya ng sasama sa kaniya? Tangina, mapanakit.

“Sasama ka o hindi-”

“O-Oo, sasama na ako. Bitawan mo na ako!” Inda ko sa sakit at higpit ng pagkakahawak niya sa akin.

Then he immediately freed my arm right after I said that. Agad ko namang hinawakan ang kaliwang braso ko. At nang tingnan ko iyon ay nakita kong namumula. Fuck.

“We’re good to go then. Now let’s go.” Seryoso niyang sinabi at saka nauna ng bumaba ng hagdan.

Napalunok nalang ako. Kagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi na hawak hawak ang kaliwang braso ko na bumaba patungo sa mga sasakyan. Naabutan ko pa si Pierce na may kausap sa cellphone niya habang si Rhad naman ay agad na inabot sa akin ang helmet.

“Use this-” I cut him off.

“Hindi ako marunong magmaneho ng motor.” Walang buhay at seryoso kong ani sa kaniya.

Nginisian naman niya ako. I looked away while I can’t stop myself gritting my teeth. This man is so oppressive. I punched him in the face and I know that I’m wrong on that part. But gripping my arm in the first place was his fault too. And he seems normal to what just happened. Damn him.

“Sa akin ka na sumakay, Neil.” I then heard Pierce said.

Agad naman akong nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. Nakita ko pang kakababa lang ng cellphone niya mula sa isang tawag.

“Not in you, Pierce. Sa akin siya sasakay. Let’s go.” Rhadmus interfere stoically.

Palihim ko naman siyang sinamaan ng tingin. Inabot sa akin ni Pierce ulit ang helmet na ibinigay sa akin kanina na isinauli ko. I get it from his hold. At nang balingan ako ni Rhadmus ay hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin. Sunod ay tumungo ako sa motor ni Pierce.

“Kay Pierce ako sasakay.” Malamig ko lang na sinabi para marinig niya.

Nakita ko pang matigilan si Pierce sa sinabi ko. Naramdaman kong balingan pa niya kaming dalawa ni Rhadmus ng tingin bago siya sumakay sa motor niya. Ako naman ay hindi tinatapunan ng tingin si Rhad.

“Neil,” Rhadmus voice is threatening me now again.

I just ignored him. Pinaandar ni Pierce ang kaniyang motor at dali-dali naman akong umangkas sa kaniyang likuran.

“Sa akin na lang sasakay si Neil, Rhad-”

“Fuck you, Pierce. Neil. Get on my back… now.” I heard Rhadmus’s irritated voice commanded me.

Nilingon pa ako ni Pierce na para bang nagtataka siya kung bakit mabilis na nag-init ang ulo ng isang ito. Umiling lang ako sa kaniya at hindi na pinansin pa si Rhad sa harapan namin.

“Neil I said-” I cutted Rhad this time.

“Pierce let’s go. Naiingayan ako.” I muttered lightly as I said it just out of nowhere.

“Alright, hold on,” Pierce answered then wear his helmet.

Ako naman ay tinapunan muna ng isang matalim na tingin si Rhad na nasa harapan namin bago ko tuluyang sinuot ang helmet ko.

Madilim at mariin ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin kanina ng balingan ko siya. Para bang galit na galit siya dahil kay Pierce ako sumakay at hindi sa kaniya. Well, he should blame himself. Kung kinausap lang niya ako ng maayos at hindi hinapit ng sobrang higpit e’di sana ay sa kaniya ako sasakay.

Yung motor pa naman niya ang pinakamahal na motorbike na alam ko. And riding on it was my dream too. Because knowing of that motorbike, alam kong maraming tao ang nangangarap na masakyan ang motor na sobrang mahal na gaya niyan.

Nauna kaming umalis ni Pierce at hindi ko na pinagtuunan pa ng pansin si Rhadmus. Naiwan siya don but I’m sure na susunod din naman siya sa amin. Mabilis ang patakbo ng motor ni Pierce. Kaya naman nang maramdaman kong kabahan ako dahil mukhang tatalsik ako sa likuran ay kumapit ako sa kaniyang balikat. While my other left hand is holding at the sit of my back.

I’m wearing formal attire. A button-down polo shirt and trousers. While Pierce is now wearing his denim jacket na kanina ay wala pa naman. Now I get why they are wearing boots.

Nang makalabas kami ng malaking gate ng mansion ay mas naging mabilis ang patakbo ng motor ni Pierce. Kaya naman mas humigpit ang kapit ko sa balikat niya. Damn, we’re not in a race but the speed of his motor was totally in the blast!

“Pierce! Bagalan mo ang patakbo! Baka mahulog ako!” Sigaw ko para marinig niya ako. I do even put up the glass of my helmet just for him to be able to hear me.

“Kumapit ka lang sa balikat ko! Or if you’re really frightened that you might fall, hold on my waist instead of my shoulder!” I heard him answered loudly as well.

Ginawa ko naman ang sinabi niya. Kumapit ako sa kaniyang baywang. At nang mas binilisan niya pa ang patakbo ng motor ay napatingin naman ako sa kabilang motorsiklo na halos katabi lang din ng sa’min na nangunguna na sa amin ngayon. It was Rhadmus motorcycle.

He took a glance at us but it’s just a glimpse. Dahil mas binilisan niya ang paandar ng kaniyang motor at nauna sa amin. Mabuti nalang at hindi nakipagsabayan si Pierce sa kaniya.

Ilang sandali lang ay natunton din namin agad ang lugar. Sa Uptown Mall kami nagtungo. Pagkahubad na pagkahubad ko pa lamang ng suot kong helmet ay agad na tumambad sa aking harapan si Rhadmus na may nanggagalaiting mukha.

Umakto akong hindi ko siya nakita at saka nagpatiunang maglakad sa kanila patungong entrance. I get my phone at lumayo sa kanilang dalawa. I have to text Enzo.

Ako:

Where are you? I’m in Uptown.

I texted him. At wala pang ilang segundo ay agad na nag-ring ang phone ko. Pumasok ako sa loob ng mall as I put the phone on my ear.

“Hello-”

“Where are you? Pierce said that you’re here in the Uptown with Nics?” I strenuously asked him.

“Yeah, nandito na ako but Nics was on her way. Sa resto na tayo magkita kita.”

“But-”

“It’s alright, nasa ground floor lang naman ako. Kayo ba? Kadarating niyo lang?” Enzo asked.

Agad naman akong napalingon sa paligid dahil nasa ground floor pa lang din ako. “Yes, nasaan ka? Sasama na ako sa’yo-”

“Why did you leave us?” Napatingin ako kay Pierce na umakbay sa balikat ko.

Naiilang naman akong nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. Alright, they are good people. Pierce is good, but Rhadmus… I don’t know to him. Pinakaayaw ko sa lahat ay ang gulo. I hate making and getting in trouble especially after what happened to our family.

Simula no’n ay natakot na akong masangkot sa kahit anumang away. But seeing Rhadmus standing near beside me makes me want to punch him in the face again. Sinamaan ko lang siya ng tingin at saka ako nag-iwas sa kaniya ng mga mata.

I put down the call when I saw Enzo walking towards our way. Maaga siyang umalis kaninang umaga dahil kinailangan niyang samahan si Nics sa school nila. They invited me to come with them but I just instead chose to supposedly stay in my room.

“Brah, where’s Nics?” Pierce asked on Enzo nang makalapit ito sa gawi namin.

“She’s with her friends. But she will come over with us this lunch. Hey brother,” sagot niya sa tanong nito at pagkaraan ay agad akong nilapitan at inakbayan.

Napangisi naman ako sa ginawa niya. “Akala ko ba ay sa resto nalang tayo magkikita kita?” I asked.

Ngumuso naman siya at pagkaraan ay nginisian nakang ako. “Nakita ko na kasi kayo so I decided to approach you. And also, Rhad and Pierce beseeched to have time with you alone today. But I can’t just say yes to them, baka ako ang kapatid mo rito at hindi sila? I wanted to spend time with you as well so I come, pati na rin si Nics,” He muttered as we walk.

Tipid naman akong napangiti sa sinabi niya. Enzo is really a good brother. Since then na sinabi nila sa akin ang totoo, he just became more genuine to me. Kung noon ay nararamdaman kong nag-aalala siya sa akin sa tuwing may nangyayari sa akin kapag kasama ko ang mga pinsan ko, ngayon naman ay mas ramdam ko ang pagiging mas showy niya compared before. Including sa medyo strict siya when it comes to things that will hurt me. But overall, he’s a wholesome person.

“Buti at napapayag ka nilang sumama sa kanila?” Enzo asked then took a glance on me.

I pursed my lips to what he just said. Inakbayan ko rin siya pabalik kahit pa na mas matangkad siya sa akin ng ilang dipa. Naglalakad kami ngayon na magkaakbay at nakasunod sa aming likuran ang dalawa.

“They actually tried to force me,” pag-amin ko sa kaniya.

Narinig ko namang matunog siyang napangisi. “Oh really? So what’s up?” Namamangha pang tanong ni Enzo sa akin.

Siniko ko naman ang tagiliran niya.

“Ahh, it hurts!” He groaned.

Natatawa ko lang siyang tiningnan. “Really? Then stop laughing at me. Dahil hindi ako nagbibiro. Rhadmus is such dickhead.” I mumbled at him.

“Oh well, I really am.”

Halos mapatalon naman ako sa gulat nang marinig ko ang boses ni Rhad sa tabi ko. Damn it! Narinig ko namang magtawanan sila Enzo at Pierce sa tabi ko.

“Gulat na gulat, Neil?” That was Pierced who sounds in sarcasm.

Napangiwi lang ako sa kanila. Hindi ko ulit pinansin si Rhad at umaktong parang hindi ko nalang siya nakita at narinig. Maraming tao ngayon sa Uptown at halos lahat ay napapatingin sa gawi namin sa tuwing daan kami.

“Bakit mo nga pala kami pinapunta rito sa Uptown?” Mayamaya ay tanong ko kay Enzo.

Nakaakbay pa rin siya sa akin habang si Rhad ay nananatiling nakasunod sa tabi ko.

“To buy you some clothes.” I heard Rhadmus answered beside me.

Hindi ko naman siya pinansin at nanatili lang akong nakaharap kay Enzo na mukhang hindi narinig ang sinabi ng pinsan.

At gano’n nga ang nangyari. We go to the boutiques and shops at namili nang mga damit. And to say, halos hindi ako ang namili ng mga iyon kun’di si Rhadmus at Pierce. At ang lahat ng mga pinasukan namin ay branded na binibilhan ko na rin noon pa. Hindi na rin naman ako tumanggi sa mga pinipili nila dahil lahat iyon ay sense of fashion ko rin naman.

“Pierce, okay na itong limang pares ng polo. Hindi ko naman masusuot ang lahat ng iyan,” Ani ko nang halos kuhanin nilang dalawa ni Rhadmus ang lahat ng nasa shop.

“That one also, we’ll gonna take that. And that one, this and this.” I heard Rhadmus on the other side of me pointed everything he wants to buy.

Ang babae namang nag-assist sa kaniya ay gahol na gahol dahil hindi siya magkamayaw sa kakaturo.

“Ito po sir? It’s perfect for you. Newly out from our stock lang po ito.” The other sales lady asked on him with her puppy eyes and flirtatious smile show off.

Napatingin naman si Rhadmus sa akin na para bang inaalam niyang babagay sa akin iyon. At hindi nagtagal ay binalingan niya lang ng seryosong mga tingin ang babae.

“Add it to our cart, I will take that.” He simply said then smirk at me.

’Di ko naman mapigilang mapabuntong hininga. Pang-ilang shop na namin ito at sa bawat boutique na papasukan namin ay halos 20 pairs ang nabibili nila. Even in shoes like what fuck right? At kahit anong pigil at pagtanggi ko pa na ayos na sa akin ang limang pares ay hindi lang nila ako pinapansin.

“40,034.45 po sir. Credit card or cash po?” The cashier lady ask in her soft alluring voice. Kumurap kurap pa ito na animong nagpapapansin kay Rhad.

“Credit, make it quick.” Rhadmus muttered then immediately give his card.

“4-40,000?” Gulantang na tanong ko pa dahil never akong nag-spend ng money for clothes ng ganiyan kalaki in one shop.

“Yep, mamaya punta naman tayo sa mga watch,” Pierce answered on me.

Mabilis naman akong umiling sa kaniya. “Ah, h-hindi na. O-Okay na ako sa mga damit at sapatos.” Nauutal ko pang sagot dahil grabe gumasta ang magpinsan na ito.

Naalala ko tuloy sila Kelsy at Ate Meaghan na grabe rin kung gumasta para lang sa mga damit nila. Excluding pa ang bag, accessories, shoes, and makeups nila ron ah. Kaya kung nandito lang sila, for sure magkakasundo sila.

“Ah Enzo, hindi ba at masyadong malaki na ang nagastos natin sa pamimili? Babayaran ko nalang sa inyo pag-uwi.” Ani ko sa kapatid ko nang hintayin namin si Pierce at Rhad na nasa loob pa ng shop at hinihintay ang mga pinamili namin.

“No, it’s alright. It’s Rhad and Pierce treats for you. Huwag kang mag-alala, maraming pera ’yang mga ’yan.” Enzo muttered.

“Kahit na, hindi ba nila alam kung paano mag-save ng money? Damn, they are so big spender.” I said in a grimace.

“They are expert to that Neil. And trust me, they are moneyed people, deep pocket than mine. Kaya hayaan mo lang sila dahil ganiyan talaga ’yang mga iyan. And to say, you’re lucky cuz they never spend this much for me neither to Nics.” Enzo explained then moved his one brow on me.

I pouted my lips when Rhadmus’s glares met mine. Alright. I can see that they are filthy rich. At kung magastos man sila, hindi naman na ako dapat manghimasok don.

Pagkalabas nilang dalawa ay nakita kong may dumating na mga nakaunipormeng tauhan sa mansion. Inabot nila lahat ng pinamili namin sa mga bodyguards at saka kami dumiretso patungong resto.

Hindi ko alam kung maninibago ba ako dahil sanay naman akong gumastos ng malaking halaga dahil gano’n din naman sa mga Arcoiris noon. It’s just that, that these men with me are excessively costive.

Tumungo kami sa isang resto na madalas naming kainan ng mga pinsan ko noon. I suggested this place just inside the Uptown. Maggagabi na rin at hindi namin namalayan na hindi na pala kami nakakain ng lunch.

Pumasok kami sa loob at sakto namang may dalawang huge table na vacant. We took the one table and get their menu immediately. Si Nics naman ay kadarating lang din.

“Pizza?” Pierce asked on me.

“Uhm, no thanks. I prefer the meal.” Pagtanggi ko dahil may snacks din kasi sa menu.

At dahil kanina pa ako ginugutom ay steak ang inorder ko. Sinabi rin naman nila ang kanilang meal sa waitress nang nilapitan na kami nito. Saglit kaming naghintay nang mapansin kong kanina pa ako tinititigan ni Rhadmus.

Katabi ko siya sa left side ko habang si Pierce naman ang sa kanan. Nasa harapan naming tatlo si Enzo at Nics. We’re in a rectangular table. Abala si Enzo at Nics sa mga cellphone nila habang si Pierce naman ay gano’n din. Kaya naman ay palihim kong binalingan ang isang katabi ko.

“Can you stop starring at me? Hindi nakakatuwa Rhad.” Mahina kong ani sa kaniya na may mariing mga tingin

I saw him in my peripheral vision twitched his lips then sexily smirked at me.

“You’re really such a badass. I told you, magkikita tayo ulit. Remember?” He mumbled deeply beside me.

Binalingan ko naman siya ng tingin. At sa labi niya agad bumagsak ang mga mata ko. There, I saw the side of his lips swelling with a tiny cut. Buti nga sayo.

“I don’t remember you,” pagtanggi ko sa sinasabi niya.

Pambihira naman siyang napangisi sa akin ngayon. His eyebrow moved in raised as his piercing dark eyes are all focusing on me.

“Ah-huh, that’s why you looked surprised to see me in the dining last night.” He muttered huskily menacingly.

I smirked at him too. “I don’t think so. Maybe I was surprised dahil hindi ko inakalang may malakas na hangin palang darating nung dinner. Not because I saw you again, motherfucker.” I mocked then looked away.

Sakto namang pag-iwas ko ay natigilan ako nang tumama sa bukana ng entrance ang mga mata ko at makita ang mga pinsan kong papasok. Kelsy, Ate Meaghan, Marcos, Lucien, Ezekiel, Zandra at Zachary. They were all laughing as they get inside.

At nang ilibot ni Zandra ang paningin niya para maghanap ng vacant table ay nagsalubong ang aming mga tingin. Nakita ko rin kung paanong sunod sunod na naglaho na parang bula ang mga ngiting nakaguhit sa kanilang mga labi nang dumapo ang mga mata nila Kelsy sa aking gawi.

I blinked. My lips parted and I was just left astounded seeing them again here in our meeting place before.

“Nagugutom na ako, let’s order na.” I heard Ate Meaghan spoke and firstly walk towards the table next to us.

Lahat sila ay parang mga naestatwa na makita ako ngayon. Nakita ko pang pasadahan nila ng tingin ang mga kasama kong walang ideya tungkol sa kanila. And seeing them as well makes me froze. These are my cousins. At ang tagal na rin nung huli ko silang makasama ng buo. Especially Zach who’s been avoiding and ignoring me since then. Na kahit sulyap man lang ay hindi ako ginagawang tapunan.

Masakit para sa akin na tratuhin niya ako ng ganito lalo na at siya ang pinaka nakakasama ko noon at si Marcos. Pero nang dahil sa nangyari sa amin ni Kaizer ay para bang mabilis lang na nawala ang lahat ng pinagsamahan namin. Gano’n din kay Kelsy at kay Ate Meaghan. And taking this kind of cold treatment from them is fucking hurts me.

Dumiretso sila sa kabilang table at mabilis na nag-iba ng ekspresyon na parang hindi nila ako nakita. Si Zach ay parang bulag na hindi ako nakita dahil dirediretso ang lakad niya kanina kumapara kila Kelsy, Ate Meaghan, Marcos, Ezi, Lucien at Zandra na natitigilang makita ako.

But then, it was just a few seconds. Because after that, I became like some stranger for all of them who just caught up starring at them for a while.

I have to talk to them. I want to make things up. Gusto kong magkaayos kaming lahat at least for once. And I’ll promise that this time, hindi na ako magkakamali. I will promise to them that Kaizer and I are totally over it.

Kabanata 5

Kabanata 5

Car

“Neil?”

Agad kong inalis ang paningin ko sa mga pinsan ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni Rhad na tumatawag sa aking tabi. Napakurap kurap ako nang balingan ko siya.

“Bakit?” I then asked him when I remember that we’re on a pity argument a while ago about our first meet.

Nangunot ang noo niyang tumingin sa akin at saka binalingan ang kabilang table kung saan ako nakatingin kanina. Napalunok naman ako. He knows my cousin.

“You ordered flatarion steak?” Lumingon naman ako kay Pierce nang marinig kong tanungin niya ako.

“Ah yeah, pati yung salmon cakes. It’s mine.” Ani ko sa kaniya.

“Here’s yours. I ordered this Chinese chicken barbeque and this pizza. Just get some if you want,” Pierce added then wink his eye on me.

Pinangunutan ko lang siya sa ginawa niya.

“Sigi, salamat,” I simply said before I turn to get my fork and start eating.

“Sila Kelsy ba ’yon?” Dinig kong tanong ni Enzo.

I was slicing the steak on my plate when he asked that. Napakurap ako at saka nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin sa harapan ko.

“Yeah, it was them.” Nics inserted while her eyes remain on the other table.

I licked my lips. I just gave Enzo a small smile as my answer to him. Alam naman niya siguro kung ano yung nangyari nung huling pagkikita namin nila Marcos bago ako umalis. Ayoko man sabihin sa kaniya na nagkakalabuan na kaming magpipinsan ay sa tingin ko naman ay nakakaramdam siya. Hindi ko man sabihin ay alam kong alam niya.

Tinitigan ako ni Enzo ng ilang sandali. Hindi naman ako nag-iwas ng tingin. At pagkaraan ay iniarko niya ang kaniyang kilay na para bang sinusuri ako.

“You okay?” Biglang tanong niya sa akin na hindi ko inasahan.

I blinked twice. I looked down and swallowed hard. I’m not? I guess so? How am I about all of this? Am I even happy?

“Why? Is there any problem?” Rhad words curiously interfere with us.

Napakagat labi nalang ako habang nananatili ang mga mata kong nakatingin sa aking pinggan.

“Yeah, I’m pretty good Enzo… Thanks.” My voice was lowered as I said that under my breath, then after I lifted my gazes on him.

Ramdam ko naman ang seryosong mga tingin ni Pierce at Rhadmus sa aking magkabilang tabi. Si Nics naman ay seryoso lang din na nakatingin sa akin. I let a sigh. They shouldn’t be affected by it. Alam kong walang ideya si Pierce at Rhad sa mga nangyayari dahil ngayon lang sila pumasok sa buhay ko. But I know that they will gonna be a huge part of it now.

At kung ang pagkakaroon ko ng bagong mga pinsan ay kapalit ng pagkawala nila Kelsy sa akin, hindi ko iyon matatanggap. I would rather try to fixed things up even how much broke it is rather than losing any one of them. Why would I have to choose and ask myself who’s much better when the fact that I can have both of them in my life.

I can’t lose them. I can’t just lose my first family.

“Uhm, okay lang ba kung pumunta ako sa table nila?” Diretso kong tanong kay Enzo pagkaraan.

Naramdaman ko naman ang nagtatakang mga mata ni Pierce na nakatingin sa akin. Kagat labi namang tumango sa akin si Enzo na sinulyapan pa ang kabilang table kung nasaan sila Marcos.

“You don’t have to ask me that, Neil. They’re still your cousins. Go on,” Enzo muttered to me with a little smirk tugged up at the side of his lips.

Marahan naman akong nginitian ako ni Nics at saka ako marahang tinanguan. Tumayo ako sa aking upuan at napansin kong napatingin sa gawi namin si Ezi. Hindi na ako nagtagal pa at iniwan na muna sila Enzo sa table namin. Tumungo ako sa harapan namin at saka humarap kila Ate Meaghan na nasa katabing table lang ng sa amin.

I moisten my bottom lips when I got there in front of them.

“How’s Coreen? Hiwalay na ba kayo no’n?”

“Oh shit, you’re so gross Kelsy. Alam mo namang woman ko lang ’yon.” Naabutan kong ani Marcos kay Kelsy.

Nagkukuwentuhan sila at bahagyang naghaharutan nang makatayo ako sa harapan nila. Hindi nila ako pinansin kahit pa halata namang sila ang pinunta ko. But when I was about to speak I got interrupted when Ate Meaghan spoke.

“Here’s the food! Oh gosh, I’m really starving all day long. Mabuti nalang at nagkayayaan kayong isama ako this time,” Ate Meaghan chortled.

Gumilid naman ako nang bahagya sa banda ni Ezi sa kaliwa dahil isinerve na ang pagkain nila. Nakatayo lang ako at naghintay na matapos mailagay lahat sa hapag nila ang mga pagkain.

“Pa’no ba naman kasi you are ugly busy making drama inside your room. Ayaw namin ng drama sa buhay this days kaya kung ako sa’yo ate, move on!” Kelsy imparted on her.

“Kelsy is right. Eurwin is just your experience with lots of men. Marami ka pang magiging experience. So just fucking enjoy your life instead of settling with only one,” Marcos stated in gravel.

Nang makaalis naman na ang waiter ay lumapit ako sa kanilang muli. Alam kong ramdam nila na nandito ako sa harapan nila and they are just ignoring me. And even how much I wanted to hate the thought of me being some kind of stranger to them, ay hindi ko rin magawa. Dahil ako ang may kailangan sa kanila. Kaya dapat lang na tanggapin ko ang trato nila sa akin.

“You broke up with Eurwin, Ate Meag?” I falteredly asked interruptingly to their conversation just for them to recognize that I’m standing here in front of them.

“Let’s just eat, Ate. Never mind the person who leaves you. Basta ang payo ko lang sa’yo, never entertain him again. Beacause once he goes back and says he’s sorry, I would go fucking kill him.” Zachary’s word digging me.

Napatiim bagang ako sa sinabi ni Zach. After I interfere with their conversation and no one of them even dares to put a glance on me, I feel like Zach said it as it’s pertaining to someone I know. I understand that he’s saying it for Ate Meaghan’s boyfriend, but why do I have this feeling it was me.

Napakurap kurap ako habang nakatiim bagang sa mga ginagawa nila. Marcos, Lucien, and Ezi are talking…right just in front of me. Ate Meaghan, Zachary, Kelsy, and Zandra who’s just listening to them was also just here in front of me. At ako na parang estatwa na nakatayo rito ay parang hangin na hindi man lang nila nagawang balingan ng tingin.

The fuck.

“Kelsy? Zandra… Zach,” I called their names cuz maybe this time they’ll turn their glares on me.

But no. They just remain talking and chuckling while they’re having their meal happily. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay kahit na anong gawin ko ay hindi nila ako magagawang tapunan ng tingin dito.

“Marcos… Marcos hey? Lucien, Ezi-” pagtawag ko sa kanilang mga pangalan na natigil lang nang bigla akong lingunin ni Kelsy.

Para naman akong nakahinga ng maluwag at nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib nang sa wakas ay binalingan ako ni Kelsy. Gano’n din sila Ate Meag at Zandra na seryoso lang ang mga matang tiningnan ako.

I gulped hard. They are now staring at me gravely. My lips parted to utter. Magkalingkis pa ang dalawang kamay ko dahil hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan.

“K-Kelsy can we talk-”

“Yes, mister? Ano po iyon?” Putol sa akin ni Kelsy sa kaswal na tono.

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi niya. Pinanayuan ako ng balahibo sa sobrang seryoso at para bang normal niya lang iyon na sinabi sa akin. Fuck. Seriously? She just called me mister?

“Kels baka nagugutom siya, bigyan mo na nga lang ng barya para makaalis na.” Dinig kong ani Marcos na hindi ko inasahan.

Blangko namang nakatingin sa akin si Lucien at Ezi. Habang si Zandra ay walang buhay akong pinagmamasdan na nakatayo sa harapan ng table nila. Napansin ko na rin ang ilang mga mata sa kabilang mga table na pinagtitinginan na ako ngayon.

“Here’s 1000, take it. Napansin ko kasing kanina ka pa nakatayo riyan. Ewan ko kung ano bang inaabangan mo.” Si Zachary na inilapag ang 1000 peso bill sa harapan mismo ng lamesa at matabang akong nginisian.

Tang ina. Mukha ba akong nanlilimos? Sa atensyon nila, oo. Pero sa pera? Hindi!

“Here, idagdag mo na rin ‘tong 500 na barya ko sa pursed. Baka makatulong sa’yo. And please lang ah, huwag ka ng tumayo riyan. Nakakatakot kasi e’. We just want a peaceful dinner and then you showed up like you were stalking us.” Kelsy divulged on me with her eyebrow arched and eyes piercing rudely.

I gritted my teeth. What the hell they are saying? Napatingin ako sa perang inabot nila sa akin na nakalagay sa harapan ko ngayon. Sinubukan kong huwag ng ilibot pa ang aking paningin sa paligid dahil ramdam at dinig ko ang mga nagbubulungan at mga nakatingin na customer sa gawi namin.

Nakakahiya. Tangina. Ano ako pulubi? Is this how they treated me now?

Nang mabaling ang tingin ko sa table namin na katabi lang din nitong sa harap ko ay nakita kong pinigilan ni Enzo si Pierce na tumayo sa kaniyang upuan. Napakuyom ako ng kamao. I feel the tension at our table.

I gritted my teeth harshly this time. Even I look so pathetic here right now in front of them. Even people are making gossips now because of what they just did, susubukan ko pa rin silang kausapin. Susubukan ko pa ring magkaayos kaming lahat.

“Kelsy, let me explain myself to all of you. Please-”

“Kulang pa ba yung 1,500? Zandra, give him some cash, please. I don’t feel comfortable anymore,” Kelsy halted my words.

Humakbang ako at hindi pinansin ang mga sinasabi niya.

“Zandra, Kelsy…please. I want us to fixed things up. Let me explain my side. You comprehend it wrong Kelsy. I changed my surname not because of Kai-”

“Oh my god, what is this man saying? Ezi! Just give him the damn money so he can go now!”

“Kelsy, please! Zach look at me!” I raised my voice a bit when I can’t contain how strange their words were to me.

Wala na akong paki kung pinagtitinginan na kami ngayon ng ibang mga customer. Ang importante ay makausap ko sila. Ang importante ay ang makipag-ayos ako sa kanila.

Kaya naman nang mag-angat si Zach sa akin ng tingin sa pagkakataong ito ay nanlulumo ko siyang binalingan. Gano’n din si Zandra na nakaupo sa kaniyang tabi.

“Zach… Zandra, please let me tell you what’s my insight about everything that is happening-”

“Can you fucking shut your damn mouth? I’ll call the security if you don’t leave us now. Hindi mo ba nakikita? You’re disturbing us.” Zachary’s deep huge hostile voice taunted me.

Nanginig ang kalamnan ko sa sinabi niya. His eyes were darkly glaring at me right now. While Zandra just looked away from our glares when I can see that she doesn’t care for me anymore. All of them. They are now glaring at me in hostility except to Zandra who’s turning her back on me. Nakatingin silang lahat sa akin na para bang may mali at kasalanan akong nagawa sa kanila.

Nag-init ang likuran ng aking mga mata. Nahirapan akong lumunok dahil sa malaking batong nakabara sa aking lalamunan. Ang kaninang nakakuyom kong mga kamay ay ngayo’y marahang bumuka sa panghihina.

“Please Z-Zach-”

“Ayaw mo talagang umalis?” He cutted me off with his dreadful voice again.

Marahan naman akong umiling sa kaniya.

“Gusto ko lang kayong makausap–”

“Security! Security!” Biglang malakas na pagtawag ni Zach sa securities ng resto na nakita kong mabilis na nagsilapitan sa gawi namin.

Pero bago pa man ako malapitan nang mga security guards ng resto ay nagulat akong makita ang mga tauhan namin sa mansion na sunod sunod na nagsipasukan sa loob. Pumalibot sila sa loob at hinarangan ang mga security guards na akmang lalapitan ang gawi ko. Ang ilan naman sa kanila ay pumalibot sa akin na para bang pinoprotektahan ako.

“Never fucking call the security if you can’t tussle ours. Dahil baka ikaw pa ang ipaligpit ko.” I heard Rhadmus drawled in a thoriferous tone.

Nakita ko naman kung paanong matigilan at mapakunot noo sila Zandra sa nangyari. Napansin ko ring magulantang ang ilang mga customer at mukhang nabahala dahil sa maraming bodyguards na nagkalat sa loob ng resto. We’re making a scene and commotion here for Pete’s sake.

At nang bumaling pa ako mlapit sa counter ay nakita ko si Pierce na nandoon at nakangising nakatingin sa akin habang may inaabot na makapal na pera sa mukhang owner ng resto.

“Who the fuck are you?” I heard Marcos asked to Rhad as he slowly stood from his seat.

Nagsitayuan din sila Lucien at Ezekiel sa kanilang upuan na para bang nakaalalay sila kay Marcos. Napakuyom ako ng kamao ko.

“Rhadmus, stop it-” my words halted.

“Just stay at my back and fucking shut your damn mouth.” Rhadmus’s stern voice struck in front of me.

Nakatayo siya ng tuwid at halos matabunan ang aking paningin sa lapad ng kaniyang likuran.

“Is this how your cousins treated you before? So scandalous.” It was Pierced who spoke this time na hindi ko napansing nilapitan na kami.

“It’s for you to find out who am I. And I’m warning you,” Rhadmus voice is giving me chills when he answered Marcos’ qualm.

Nakatalikod siya sa akin ngayon pero ramdam ko ang awtoridad sa kaniyang boses nang sabihin niya iyon. Magkasingtangkad lang sila ni Marcos at magkasing pareho ng laki ng katawan. Gano’n din si Pierce at sa ibang pinsan ko na si Ezekiel. Same height and but in the body built, I can see that Pierce and Rhad stand out probably because they are way older than us.

“You think I get frightened, fartknocker? Fuckwit,” Marcos darkly drawled to Rhad.

Napansin kong magtaas ng kilay si Pierce na mukhang nakasenyas kay Rhad sa harapan ko. And I know that it has some meaning. Kaya naman nang makaramdam ako ang tensyon sa pagitan nila ay agad na akong pumagitna sa kanila.

Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko habang parehong matalim at madilim ang titigan nila Rhad at Marcos. Magkasing taas at laki man sila ng katawan ay hindi pa rin maitatangging mas matanda si Rhadmus sa amin, kila Marcos. He’s age the same as Kuya Huxton.

“Rhad, stop there. Let’s go back to our table.” Seryoso kong ani sa kaniya. Ramdam kong kalmado pa siya pero alam ko na anumang oras ay pwede siyang sumabog.

At kung kay Marcos ang tatanungin. He’s one of a hell guy. Lagi siyang mainit ang ulo. Kaya bago pa man sila magsindi ng apoy dito sa loob ng resto ay kailangan ko na silang pigilan.

“Pierce, tara na.” Pagkuha ko ng atensyon ni Pierce na seryoso at mapaglarong nakatitig sa mga pinsan ko.

Tumingin pa ako sa table namin para tawagin si Enzo na prente lang na nakaupo sa kaniyang upuan at gano’n din si Nics. Na para bang normal lang ang lahat at walang komusyon na nangyayari. Jesus.

“Enzo!” Pagtawag ko sa kaniya na seryoso lang na nakamasid sa amin.

“Rhadmus, Pierce, tama na ’yan. Bumalik na tayo sa pagkain.” Ani Enzo sa dalawa na nasa harapan ko ngayon nakatayo.

Tinaasan ko pa ng kilay ang dalawang ito. “Please, let’s go back to our table.” I pleased.

Seryoso silang tumango sa akin at saka binalingan ang mga security namin na nagsilabasan na rin pagkaraan. Bumalik si Pierce at Rhad sa table namin habang ako naman ay hinarap sila Zach.

Natahimik sila ngayon habang si Marcos at Kelsy ay matalim ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin. Gusto kong magalit dahil sa ginawa nila sa akin kanina. But I then thought that it will just be a nonsense dahil ako naman talaga ang nag-approach sa kanila.

“I’m sorry,” paumanhin ko dahil sa nangyari.

Sunod kong binalingan si Zach na mariing nakatingin sa kaniyang pinggan. “And about the money, I don’t need it. What I want are my cousins. Sana next time maayos na natin ’to. Because I badly want to get you back,” I seriously mumble then turn my back on them.

Bumalik ako sa table namin. Naabutan ko sila Nics, Enzo, Pierce at Rhad na nakatayo na at mukhang hinihintay na lamang ako. Nalungkot akong bigla. Nawalan na ako ng gana pang kumain kahit pa na gutom na gutom ako kanina.

Dahil sino ba naman ang mag-aakala na ganon ang magiging respond nila Kelsy sa akin. Kung ang pag-iwas at hindi pagpansin sa akin noon ay nagagawa ko pang pakisamahan. Ito hindi na. They were full of hatred. And I’m really trying to understand them kahit na puro ako nalang ang pilit na umiintindi sa kanila. Kahit na ako naman sana yung unawain nila.

Lumabas kami nila Nics ng resto at hindi na tinapos ang sisimulan pa lang namin na pagkain. Naiwan pa ng ilang saglit si Enzo sa loob para kausapin sila Kelsy. Hindi ko alam kung anong pinag-usapan nila dahil hindi na rin ako nagtanong at nagpaiwan pa kasama si Enzo do’n sa loob para pakinggan ang pag-uusap nila.

I’m trying to make up things with my cousins. I’m figuring and consolidating my life with them. But what I can’t fucking understand is that why they can’t understand me as well.

I would be going to live my life now different from them. From being an Arcoiris to prevailing as a Gutierrez. Despite it, I still don’t want to lose the wonted life I’d been used to live in. At kung ang pagbubukas ng panibagong pintuan ay siyang pagsara ng bintanang laging nakabukas para sa akin ay hindi ko na alam pa.

Gusto kong mag-explain. I want to make them realize and know my insights about their indictments towards my decisions. Pero tang ina, they just embarrass me in front of the crowd and yet I still want to be with them. Because they are my cousins. And they will forever be.

Alam kong nagawa lang nila iyon dahil sa sobrang galit at tampo nila sa akin. At kung hindi ko man natunaw yung poot na ’yon noon ay nasisiguro kong magiging bato na iyon kalaunan. At sa oras na mangyari iyon, nasisiguro kong wala na akong babalikan pa.

I choose to enter another open door for me in exchange to close off the window I was able to dream of before. It’s a risk but if it’s the only option I have right now, then I will rather do it. Because I have to realize to myself that life should be not about seeking and pleasing them. People come and go, but life is simply about seeing who cares enough to stay.

At kung hindi nila magagawa iyon, I have nothing to deal with it anymore. Dahil hindi ko hawak ang mga utak nila. Hindi ko hawak ang pakiramdam at kagustuhan nila.

“Are you all right?” Tanong ni Enzo sa aking tabi.

Nasa loob na kami ng kotse niya ngayon. I’m sitting in the passenger seat while Nics is in the backseat. Pauwi na kami ng mansion at madilim na rin sa daan.

Nilingon niya pa ako ng ilang sandali at saka siya mabilis na humarap sa kalsada. He’s driving at kahit na gano’n ay sumusulyap sulyap pa rin siya sa akin.

“I’m all right, Enzo.” Tanging sagot ko sa kaniya.

Iniikot naman niya ang manibela. Ako naman ay humarap sa bintana at saka marahang sumandig don pagkaraan.

“Hanggang kailan mo sasabihing you are just fine, Kuya?” It was Nics at the backseat who asked me that.

Napakurap ako sa tanong niya. I swallowed my worries as I felt my eyes heated as the city lights reflect on it.

“Nics, don’t worry about me alright? Ayos lang ak-”

“Kuya, your eyes never lied. And the way you glance at me, to Kuya Enzo at kila Kuya Rhad. I can already feel what you’re going through. And I’m pretty sure na hindi lang ako ang nakakakita no’n,” Nics confided to me from the back.

I flickered then let a heavy sigh later on. My eyes may do not lie but my lips can. My heart can. And that’s what I’m enduring in the mask of letting someone go.

Tahimik ako buong byahe pag-uwi at hindi na nagsalita pa pagkatapos sabihin ni Nics sa akin iyon. Hindi na rin naman na ako tinanong pa ni Enzo tungkol sa nangyari kanina.

They are my family now but there are still matters that are out of their lines. At kung dumating man yung araw na handa na akong maging bukas sa kanila ay gagawin ko iyon. But for now, I want to keep it all to myself.

Kung nasasaktan man ako ngayon dahil sa nangyari kanina sa amin nila Zach. Sigurado naman akong maiintindihan ako ni Enzo. At kung sarili ko ang tatanungin, mas mabuti ng ganito na hindi na ako lumapit pa kila Kelsy. Dahil nakikinita kong sa bawat pagtangka kong kuhanin ang loob nila para magkaayos kami ay mas lalo lang nila akong ipagtatabuyan palayo.

And I know my worth. I know my means and purpose this time. That at my topmost priority is myself.

Nakauwi kami nang gabing iyon at saktong hapunan na sa mansion. Si Rhad at Pierce ay naabutan namin sa malawak na living area nakaupo na naghihintay sa amin.

“Hindi ka pa uuwi Kuya Rhad?” Nics asked on him nang mapagtakhan na dito pa siya dumiretso kahit na dapat ay sa kanila.

Pag-apak ko palang sa loob ng mansion ay sa akin agad dumapo ang seryosong mga mata ni Rhadmus. Kaya nang sagutin niya ang tanong ni Nics ay nanatili sa akin ang kaniyang mga mata. Hindi inaalis at seryosong nakatitig.

“I’m going to sleep here tonight. Nasabi ko naman na kila Mom,” He drawled in a large voice.

“Nandito na pala kayo! How’s your day? Nag-enjoy ka ba Neil? I heard that Pierce and Rhadmus spoiled you today.” Lola grinned as she approaches us.

Isa isa niya kaming bineso sa pisngi at saka ako pinagtuunan ng pansin.

“Ayos naman po Lola Ophelia. Nakakaaliw na makasama silang dalawa ni Pierce.” Simple kong sagot sa kaniya.

“Naku! Talaga ba? Kung alam mo lang ay mga basag ulo ’yang mga iyan-”

“Grandma!” Sabay pang sigaw ng dalawa para awatin si Lola Ophelia sa pagkukwento.

Tipid naman akong napangisi ron. “Halata nga po,” ani ko nalang kay Lola nang mahinto siya sa sasabihin dahil kila Rhad.

Natawa naman ang matanda. Napangisi naman si Enzo at Nics sa tabi ko habang ang dalawa ay nakakunot ang mga noo at seryoso ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin.

“Oh really? Have you seen it, Hijo?” Namamanghang tanong ni Lola sa akin dahil sa sinabi ko.

Lumawak naman ang ngisi sa mga labi ko habang tinititigan pabalik si Rhadmus.

“Hindi pa naman po, pero…nakikita ko ngang gano’n sila. Especially Rhadmus.” I particularly mentioned.

Mas lalong nagsalubong ang dalawang kilay ni Rhad dahil sa sinabi ko. Si Pierce naman ay loko-lokong nakangisi sa akin ngayon.

“Ginugutom na po ako grandma. Halika na po sa dining.” Mayamaya ay wika ni Nics kay Lola.

“Alright, at mukhang mga napagod kayo sa maghapon. Halika na Neil. Sa akin ka na tatabi sa hapagkainan simula ngayon.” Lola declared.

“Sigi po,” tanging sagot ko at saka sumabay sa kanila sa paglalakad patungong dining room.

Nilagpasan ko naman si Rhadmus na may masamang tingin sa akin. Nakangisi ko lang siyang tiningnan at saka nilagpasan.

“Tss,” I heard him hissed in annoyance.

My lips tugged up on that. But then the smirk on my lips instantly fade when I saw Lolo Ignacio’s menacing glares on me as I entered the room. Tumuloy kami sa mahabang hapag kainan kung saan nandoon si Tita Aurelia at Papa na nakaupo na. Nilapitan nila Enzo at Nics sila Papa at Tita Aurelia para humalik sa pisngi nito. Gano’n din kay Lolo. Ako naman ay simpleng nagmano sa kanila isa isa.

At nang kay Lolo na ako magmamano ay natigilan ako nang hawiin nito ang kamay ko. Naramdaman kong matigilan din sila Lola sa ginawa niya.

“I had already clean my hands. Hindi ko na gustong madumihan pa ito. Mag-umpisa na tayo sa pagkain.” Aniya sa seryoso at sobrang istriktong tono.

Napakagat labi nalang ako at saka marahang inalis at inilagay sa likuran ko ang kamay kong hinawi niya. Napakurap kurap ako at saka nakayukong nagbaba ng tingin sa sahig.

Wala naman akong narinig na kahit ano kila Lola. Hindi ko alam kung nakita niya ba iyon o si Tita Aurelia lang ang nakapansin sa ginawa ni Lolo. Hindi nalang din ako umimik at tinungo na lang ang upuan na katabi ng kay Lola malapit kay Lolo.

“May pasok na kayo tomorrow right?” I heard Papa asked.

“Yep,” Enzo answered.

Nakikinig lang ako sa kanila at tinuon na lang ang mga mata ko sa aking pinggan at pagkain.

“What about you, Neil? Gusto mo ba ng new car? Nalaman ko kay Ned na wala ka pa raw palang sasakyan?” Lola asked beside me.

Saka lang ako nag-angat ng tingin nang ako na ang tanungin. Napatingin pa ako kay Lolo na may seryosong mga mata na agad ko rin namang iniwasan.

“Ayos lang po sa akin kahit hindi na. Kay Enzo nalang po ako sasabay.” Ani ko.

“Ay hindi pwede ’yon. Ned, bilhan mo ’tong anak mo ng sasakyan. Kailangan niya yon sa pagpasok sa paaralan.”

“Lola hindi na po talaga kailangan,” paghirit ko pa dahil masyado na iyong magastos para sa akin.

May nagagamit akong sasakyan noon but it was our house car. Parang akin na rin dahil walang ibang gumagamit no’n kung hindi ako. Kaso lang ay naiwan ko iyon sa bahay dahil sa sasakyan nga ako ni Papa sumakay no’ng nakaraan papunta rito sa mansion.

“Nakabili na ako Mama. I actually plan to give it to Neil tomorrow lalo na at first day of the week. But now that you asked me about it, I think it’s also the perfect timing to tell him about it.” Papa said with a smile plastered on his lips.

Napakurap naman ako sa sinabi niya.

“Pero may sasakyan pa naman ako at naiwan ko lang po sa bahay nila Dad. Babalikan ko po iyon at iyon ang gagamitin ko-”

“Take it. That’s from me.” Natigilan pa ako nang marinig na magsalita si Lolo.

“Oh, akala ko ba ay ikaw Ned ang bumili?” Tanong ni Lola na nalilito na ngayon.

Mahina namang natawa si Papa sa tanong ni Lola.

“Si Papa talaga ang nakaisip ng ideya na iyon. And I guess that he’s also part of that. Siya rin ang kumontak sa pinagkuhanan namin kaya parang kay Papa talaga nanggaling iyong sasakyan.” Papa explained to Lola.

Hindi naman ako makapaniwalang tumingin sa kanila. Nakangiti sa akin si Enzo nang balingan ko siya ng tingin sa harapan ko. Sila Nics, Rhad, at Pierce naman ay nakangisi lang din sa akin.

“You’ll be going to drive it tomorrow and used it in your everyday life. Are we clear?” Lolo then asked me in hostile.

Napaawang tuloy ang bibig ko sa sinabi niya. I thought he hated me? Hindi ba at hinawi niya ang kamay ko kanina? Pero bakit ngayon ay may regalo siyang kotse para sa akin?

“Yes po, s-salamat po,” masaya but at the same time ay nag-tataka kong sinabi.

Damn, tell me I’m not dreaming. Did Lolo just say that he’s giving me a car? Jeez, I really thought he dislikes me so much. Hindi nga ba?

Kabanata 6

Kabanata 6

Nobody

I didn’t expect Lolo’s interfere. He was deadly serious when he said that. I thought he doesn’t want me. I assume that he dislikes me because I’m just his grandson from another woman.

He was stoic and stern. Since I came here to the mansion the only encounter we have had for the second time is in the dining room. Dahil maaga siyang umaalis at gano’n din si Papa para sa trabaho kaya hindi na kami nagpapang-abot sa umagahan. At sa bawat pagkikita namin ay ramdam ko ang pagkadisgusto niya sa akin at gayundin kay Tita Aurelia na asawa ni Papa.

But despite that, they didn’t do or say anything that will hurt my feelings. Though I feel that they are just really acting this way so they can keep everything settled for the family. Lalo na at nararamdaman kong matibay ang samahan ng mga Gutierrez.

They are known as the most tycoon family. They are well filthy rich. And as a half-Spanish family, I can see it through their traits. At do’n ko nga lang din napansin ang similarities namin nila Enzo. Though the Arcoiris family was also Spanish, not pure. Kaya siguro hindi ko rin lubos na akalaing ampon ako dahil hindi rin kami nagkakalayo.

Except for me. My differences might not be noticeable but I can say that I’m odd from them. Kahit pa sa mga Gutierrez ay masasabi kong may iba sa akin.

My skin was whiter compare to them. Which I really hate cuz I wanted tan skin. Mapuputi din naman sila Enzo but not same as mine.

“Damn, I want to see that car too, grandpa,” Rhadmus said as he tugged up the side of his lips in front of me.

“Ako rin, for sure it’s handsome gaya ng magiging may-ari nito,” Pierce complimented on me.

“You’ll see tomorrow. I’m done eating. Good night.” Lolo curtailed then stood up from his seat.

After that dinner ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong mapangiti. Lolo Ignacio, that’s what I call him. And Lola Ophelia for my Lola. I’m not calling them the same as Enzo and in Rhadmus’s way…grandma and grandpa. Simple Lola and Lolo are enough for me.

Masaya ako na kahit malamig ang trato ni Lolo sa akin ay ramdam ko namang ayos na siya sa akin. Hindi ko lang talaga inasahan na ang regalong sasakyan lang pala niya ang makakapagpanatag sa loob ko sa kaniya.

Nang gabing iyon ay pumasok ako ng kuwarto ko nang may ngisi sa labi. Si Enzo naman ay saglit din akong sinabayan patungong kuwarto ko at nakikita kong masaya siya para sa akin.

“See, grandpa likes you. Gano’n lang talaga siya last night. Masungit, istrikto at nakakatakot. Just like you. Pero mabait ’yon.” Enzo imparted then chuckled huskily afterward.

Nasa tapat na kami ng pintuan ng silid ko nang magsalita siya. Nginisian ko naman siya at saka marahang tinanguan.

“I understand,” pagsang-ayon ko.

Marahan naman niya akong tinanguan. “Get pack up your clothes alright? Maaga tayo bukas,” pagpapaalala pa niya sa akin.

Nginiwian ko naman siya dahil kanina pa niya pinapaalala sa akin iyan.

“You don’t have to remind me every minute Kuya Enzo. Hindi ako makakalimutin.” Patuya kong ani sa kaniya.

Umiling iling naman siya sa akin na para bang hindi makapaniwala at the same time ay natutuwa dahil tinawag ko siyang Kuya. Tinapik niya ang aking balikat pagkaraan at saka nagpaalam na para makapagpahinga na kami. Pumasok na ako sa loob ng kuwarto at tinungo ang bathroom so I can clean up myself.

Bihira kong tawagin si Enzo na Kuya dahil bukod sa naiilang ako ay hindi ako sanay na may kinu-Kuya ako except for Kuya Huxton. Sinabi ko naman iyon sa kaniya at nasabi niyang ayos lang daw, basta kung saan ako kumportable ay okay na sa kaniya.

Nahiga ako sa malaking kama pagkatapos kong makapagbihis ng damit. Maaga kami bukas aalis ng mansion dahil bukod sa may pasok kami ay tutunguhan muna namin ang bahay namin sa isang subdivision kung saan kami titira.

It was Papa’s house kung saan nags-stay sila Enzo at Nics for schooling. At do’n na rin ako mags-stay kasama sila. Nakatungo na ako ron nung nakaraan bago rito sa mansion. Maganda ang lugar at hindi gano’n kalayo sa university na paasukan namin.

Magdadala lang ako ng ilang damit dahil nasabi ni Enzo na marami naman daw siyang mga bagong damit doon na hindi niya pa nasusuot kaya ’yon nalang daw ang gamitin ko. Good thing dahil kailangan ko ring mag-iwan ng mga damit dito sa mansion para kapag umuwi kami rito ay may maisusuot ako.

That was the agreement that Enzo told me. Uuwi kami sa mansion every weekend or every after two consecutive weekends. Para kahit papaano ay mabisita namin sila Lola at Lolo. Dito rin kasi mananatili sila Papa at Tita Aurelia sa mansion. Kaya kaming tatlo lang talaga ang titira sa subdivision. Because it was more convenient to live there because the University is just near the area.

Tapos na akong mag-almusalan kasama sila Pierce at Rhadmus na dito natulog sa mansion kagabi. Maaga kaming nag-agahan dahil maaga rin kaming aalis. Alas-singko imedya palang ng umaga ay nag-breakfast na kami para less hassle dahil pagkaraan namin sa bahay ay diretso school na kami.

“Kelan ang balik niyo niyan kung gano’n? I feel sad tuloy dahil aalis na agad si Neil. Ni hindi pa nga kami nagkaka-bonding nitong apo ko ay aalis na kayo agad,” Lola Ophelia said as she leads us to the foyer of the house.

Nakahapit ang kaniyang braso sa aking balikat na para bang yakap niya ako habang naglalakad kami patungong malaking double doors ng bahay.

Papa was with us as well. Nasa labas na siya at naghihintay sa amin. Si Lolo ay wala dahil mukhang nasa silid pa nila. While Tita Aurelia is also outside with Papa.

“Possibly this weekend, grandma. Huwag po kayong mag-alala at bibisita naman po kami rito,” Enzo answered her.

Bumaba kami sa hagdan pababa sa mga sasakyan na naghihintay na sa amin. Natanaw ko naman si Rhad at Pierce na nakaabang sa akin. Si Nics naman ay kakababa lang at si Papa agad and tinungo.

“Nandito naman po ata si Pierce Lola, kaya huwag na po kayong malungkot,” Ani ko kay Lola nang huminto kami sa mga sasakyan na naghihintay na sa amin sa ibaba ng hagdan.

“Kahit na Hijo, ang Kuya Pierce mo ay abala sa trabaho at sa mga babae niya kaya hindi rin ako natutuwa kahit pa nandiyan siya,” Lola sounded unhappy as she said it.

Nasa harapan naman namin si Pierce at Rhadmus nang sabihin iyon ni Lola. Kaya nang marinig niya iyon ay loko-loko lang na ngumisi si Pierce.

“What’s wrong with that grandma? Ayaw niyo na ba akong kasama sa mansion? Sabihin niyo lang para mag-alsa balutan na ako ngayon din.” Pierce muttered with a ghost of a playful smirk on his lips.

Sinamaan naman siya ng tingin ng matanda. “Heh! Mabuti pa nga! Alam mo namang kailangan ko na ng apo at hindi niyo man lang maibigay sa akin ni Rhadmus iyon! Tumatanda na ako at hindi na bumabata pa.” Lola exclaimed to the two.

Napakagat labi naman ako nang balingan ko si Rhadmus na seryoso lang ang mga mata na nakatitig sa akin. Si Pierce naman ay nakanguso at nagpipigil ng tawa.

“Sorry na grandma. Don’t worry, sa susunod na magdala ako ng babae dito sa mansion, I’ll make sure that that woman is carrying your apo.” Ani Pierce kay Lola na nagpakunot sa kaniyang noo.

“Neil, tawag ka ni Dad.” Mayamaya ay dinig kong ani Enzo sa akin kaya nabaling ang atensyon ko.

Napatingin ako sa gawi nila Dad na nakatayo sa isang sasakyan sa likuran ng kotse na nasa harapan namin. Natigilan pa ako nang hawakan ni Rhadmus ang kamay ko at hilahin ako sa tabi ni Lola patungo kay Papa.

Magsasalita pa sana ako para magprotesta kaso ay tuloy tuloy si Rhadmus sa paglalakad habang ang kamay niya ay mahigpit na nakahawak sa kamay ko. Sila Lola, Pierce, Enzo, at Nics naman ay nakita kong nakangiti sa akin nang matunton namin ang gawi ni Papa.

Tita Aurelia was with her and she’s also smiling a bit at me. Gano’n din si Papa na nasa harapan namin. Maliwanag na ang kalangitan pero wala pang araw na sumisikat. Bukas pa ang mga ilaw sa paligid ng mansion at nakikita ko sa likuran ni Papa ang isang sasakyan.

“Here’s your car, Neil. Hope you like it.” Nakangiting ani sa akin ni Papa at saka umalis sa pagkakaharang sa kotse para mas makita ko iyon.

Laglag panga ko namang tiningnan ang isang Lexus LC na nakaparada ngayon sa harapan ko. A black sleek sports car like a swift shark of wielded steel and aluminum on wheels.

Napalingon ako kay Papa at Tita Aurelia na nakangiti akong pinagmamasdan. I was about to spoke and approach the car when I felt Rhadmus’s hand still holding mine. Imbis na balingan siya ng tingin ay hinila ko nalang ang kamay ko mula sa kaniyang pagkakahawak at saka mabilis na hinawakan ang harapan ng kotse.

“Pa, it’s…it’s Lexus. H-How?” I asked in so much amused.

Pinasadahan ko pa ng aking palad ang makintab na bagong kotse sa harapan ko bago ako lumingon ulit kila Papa.

“It’s yours, Neil. It’s my gift and your grandpa’s gift to you,” Papa said to me with a wide smile plaster on his lips.

Malawak naman akong napangiti. “Thank you. I-It’s so pretty. Its so nice. I like it.” Namamangha ko pa ring sinabi ng may ngiti sa labi.

Nakita ko naman si Enzo na lumapit din sa gawi ko. Nakangisi siya nang lapitan ako.

“Here’s the key brother, go on. Drive it.” He muttered cockily.

I lick my lips and get it from his hold. Nagpaalam ako kila Lola at Tita Aurelia bago kami umalis. Gustuhin ko mang magpaalam kay Lolo para makapagpasalamat din ay hindi ko rin nagawa dahil hindi raw maaaring istorbohin ito. Maybe I’ll probably do it next time.

Niyakap ako ni Papa. Naramdaman ko pang hagurin nito ang aking likuran bago kami tuluyang tumungo sa aming mga sasakyan. Nagpasalamat ako sa kaniya at gano’n din kay Tita Aurelia na seryoso na lamang akong pinagmamasdan ngayon.

And when I get in front of my Lexus car. I excitedly opened it to get inside. Nakasakay na si Nics sa sasakyan ni Enzo at ako naman ay nasa likuran ng sasakyan nila. Pasakay na ako sa loob ng kotse ko nang biglang may magsalita sa likuran ko. I turn around to face him.

“Pasabay ako,” it was Rhadmus who said that.

Nang maharap ko naman siya ay nakita kong nakapasok na sila Lola at Tita Aurelia sa mansion. Si Pierce naman ay nakapagpaalam na rin sa akin kanina kaya wala na rin siya rito.  Kaya ngayon naman ay nagtataka ako kung bakit nandito pa itong isang ’to.

“Huh?” Tanong ko nang hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi niya.

Nakita kong mas magseryoso siya at humakbang pa lalo palapit sa akin.

“Pasabay ako,” he uttered again.

Napakurap naman ako sa sinabi niya. Napalingon pa ako sa sasakyan nila Enzo nang tumunog na ito para umandar at saka ko binalingan si Rhadmus muli ng tingin.

“Why? Where’s your motorcycle?” I asked dahil pwede naman siyang magmotor nalang.

Not that I’m being impolite on him. Is just that he can have his own ride.

Nagtiim bagang siya. “Sasama ako sa bahay niyo-” I cutted him off when I notice that Enzo’s car start moving.

“Fuck, sigi na nga. Tara na.” Mabilis kong ani sa kaniya dahil umandar na sila Enzo.

Nakita ko pang mapangisi si Rhadmus nang balingan ko siyang muli galing kila Enzo. Hindi ko na lamang iyon pinansin at saka nagmadaling pumasok sa loob ng kotse at paandarin iyon.

Rhadmus was sharp. Mabilis siyang pumasok sa passenger seat. At nang paandarin ko na ang sasakyan ay nakasunod lang ako kila Enzo. Diretso lang ang tingin ko sa daan simula kanina at hindi ko maiwasang mamangha sa sobrang smooth imaneho ng sasakyang ito.

But when my eyes went on the rearview mirror and I saw Rhadmus staring at me, my brows suddenly furrowed. Sumulyap ako sa kaniya at titig na titig siya sa akin habang nagmamaneho ako.

“Just drive Neil, just fucking drive me crazy.” I heard him mumble.

“A-Ano?” Tanong ko nang hindi malinaw sa pandinig ko ang sinasabi niya.

Nasa kalsada ang paningin ko at ramdam ko ang paninitig niya sa akin.

“Nothing, I said just drive fast so you can eventually drop me home.” Aniya at saka nag-iwas ng tingin patungo sa harapan.

Sinulyapan ko naman siyang muli at nang mapansing may mali sa ginagawa niya ay sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

“What?” Biglang tanong niya na mukhang napansin ang masama kong tingin.

“Wear your seatbelt Rhad.” Ani ko dahil kanina ko pa iyon napansin na hindi niya kinabit.

Narinig ko naman siyang mapangisi. “Oh… my bad, I’m sorry I forgot.”

Tumahimik ako pagkaraan at gano’n din siya. Ilang minuto ang lumipas at tumatama na sa akin ngayon ang sikat ng araw. Malapit na rin kami sa subdivision dahil almost hour lang ang byahe.

“Don’t you have work?” Tanong ko kay Rhad nang iliko ko ang sasakyan.

Nilingon naman niya ko. “I have, mamaya nalang ako papasok.” He muttered in a huge voice.

Tumahimik ako ulit at gano’n din naman siya. Pumasok kami sa entrance ng subdivision at natatanaw ko ang sasakyan ni Enzo na nauuna sa amin.

“My house is just in here too.” Mayamaya ay narinig kong sinabi niya.

Sinulyapan ko naman siya. “Oh? Dito rin pala kayo nila Tita Stella nakatira? That’s good, I mean your place is just also near the workplace. You know…city. It’s so convenient for Tito Leonard and you.” I said flatly.

Inihinto ko ang sasakyan ko sa likuran ng kay Enzo nang huminto siya sa tapat ng bahay. Narinig kong bumusina siya para pagbuksan kami ng gate ng mga kasambahay.

“No, I said my house. Not my parents’ house.” Dinig kong aniyang muli sa tabi ko.

Hindi ko naman siya mabalingan ng tingin dahil naka-focus ang mga mata ko kila Enzo.

“Gano’n ba,” tangi ko nalang na nasabi dahil nakita kong bumaba na si Enzo at Nics sa sasakyan.

Pinatay ko naman na ang makina ng kotse ko. Nagtaka pa ako nang hindi ipasok ni Enzo ang kotse sa garahe. Kaya naman nang lumapit sa amin si Enzo ay agad kong binuksan ang pintuan sa gilid ko.

“Bakit di ka tumuloy sa garahe?” I asked him as I remain on my sit inside my car after I open my window.

“Papasok pa tayong school. Kaya dito nalang sa labas dahil sasaglit lang naman tayo sa loob para ilagay ang mga gamit mo.” Ani Enzo sa akin.

Lumabas naman na ako ng sasakyan pagkasabi niya no’n. Narinig ko ring bumukas pintuang sa gawi ni Rhadmus.

“Rhad? Kay Neil ka sumabay?” I heard Enzo asked him in surprise.

“Well yeah, as you can see,” Rhad replied in a serious tone.

Napakunot noo naman ako sa sagot niya. Pilosopo.

“Hindi mo ginamit yung motor mo?” Enzo asked him again. Nasa tapat na kami ng gate ngayon at hinihintay na lamang namin ni Nics si Enzo para makapasok na sa loob.

Tiningnan ko ang dalawa at saktong pagbaling ko ay nagtama ang mga tingin namin ni Rhad. He was staring at me seriously with the dark intense in there. It wasn’t mesmerizing and I find it weird.

“No, iniwan ko nalang muna sa mansion. Sigi na, I have to go.” He said to Enzo while his eyes remain on me. “I gotta go, Neil,” he then added before he turns his back on me.

Pinagmasdan ko pa siyang maglakad paalis bago ako harapin ni Enzo at igiya na sa loob ng bahay. So dito lang din pala ang bahay ni Rhadmus. Sa iisang subdivision lang pala kami. And he’s living alone. Well, he’s an adult. And guessing his age, he’s somewhat in his twenty-four or five in his twenties.

Inilagay ko sa aking silid ang isang bag ko na may mga damit at ipinaasikaso iyon ni Enzo kay Manang dahil kailangan na rin naming pumasok sa school. Hindi na rin naman kami nagtagal pa sa bahay at lumabas na rin kami at sumakay sa aming mga sasakyan.

Si Nics ay nakasakay kay Enzo habang ako naman ay sa kotseng bagong bigay pa lamang sa akin. Masaya akong magkaro’n ng ganito kagarang sasakyan pero hindi kasing saya nung unang beses kong mahawakan ang susi ng kotse na ibinigay sa akin ni Dad na madalas ko ng ginagamit noon. It was a car that symbolizes his hard work. It may be not that super expensive as this one but I treasured it like some gold.

Malungkot akong napangiti nang maalala ko si Daddy. Damn, ni hindi pa nga ko nag-iisang buwan kila Papa ay sila Dad na agad ang naiisip ko. Maybe I just already miss them.

Hinatid ni Enzo si Nics sa school nito habang ako naman ay bumaba na sa parking lot ng school namin. Same university lang kami ni Enzo while Nics was on her twelfth grade in senior kaya hiwalay ang campus at ibang university sa amin.

Pagkababang pagkababa ko pa lamang ng sasakyan ko ay mga mata na agad ng ilang mga estudyante ang pumuna sa akin. They were glancing at me in awe and smiling at me in the best way they can. May ilan pang bumabati sa akin na tipid ko nalang na nginingitian.

It was a huge campus. And yet the people here recognize me already. Hindi naman na bago ito sa akin, ngunit kapag sa tuwing naaalala ko kung gaano ako kabulakbol noon especially to women, damn, napapailing nalang ako sa mga kalokohan ko.

I’m now in college and I want to change my past habits. Alam kong matagal na rin akong natigil sa mga babae nung naging kami ni Kaizer. And now that we’re done and separated, I guess I should start having my life now. It doesn’t necessarily mean of getting my woman right away, it’s just I want to work out myself in progress.

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad sa hallway nang makita ko sila Marcos na naglalakad at nakatingin sa kotseng ipinark ko sa parking lot. Nang bumaling sa akin ang mga seryoso at galit nilang mga tingin ay umiling sila pagkaraan.

Napatiim bagang ako ron. Tinaasan pa ako ni Kelsy ng isang kilay bago nila ako tinalikuran palayo. People are glaring at them as well. May ilan pa akong nakita na nagbubulungan na para bang alam na nila ang tungkol sa nangyari sa akin. Na alam na nilang ampon ako at kapatid ako ni Enzo. Na hindi ako isang tunay na Arcoiris.

Of course, why won’t they know and spread the gossips if I had already changed my surname. While the controversy of our family remained only inside the Arcoiris household.

Nagbaba na lamang ako ng tingin at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad ko. Alam kong galit pa rin sila. Nakita at naramdaman ko iyon dahil sa ginawa nilang pagtataboy sa’kin.

What they did hurts my ego and pride. But I still want us to get along. I know it’s stupid but I also know that it’s worth fighting for. And if it fails again this time once again, then I’ll let them be. At least, I tried to get them back not just once, and that I really try so hard and pathetically.

Kaya naman nang magsimula ang klase at naging kakalse ko si Zach sa isang subject ay sinubukan ko siyang kausapin at lapitan. Pero hindi niya ako nagawang pansinin at ni balingan ng tingin ay hindi niya man lang napaglaanan ng oras kahit na ilang segundo man lang. Gusto ko siyang makausap at humingi ng tawad. Alam kong siya ang pinaka nagalit sa kanilang lahat.

Nandidiri man sila sa akin dahil sa naging ugnayan namin ni Kaizer ay alam kong babalik muli sa dati ang lahat. Kung saan normal at magkakasundo kami. I just have to melt their frost resent on me.

“Zach sandali, Zach!” Paghabol ko sa kaniya palabas ng corridor nang hindi niya ako pansinin at natapos na ang klase namin.

Hindi niya ako nililingon at para akong hangin at sirang plaka na nagsasalita at sumusunod sa kaniya mapansin lang niya ako.

“Zach please,” I pleaded again nang makababa kami ng building. Walang masyadong tao sa gawing nilalakaran namin kaya nilakasan kong muli ang loob ko na tawagin siya.

But he still ignoring me. Fuck, I look like a fool here trying to get his attention even I know he won’t fucking give it to me.

Kaya naman nang mapuno ako ay pinigilan ko siya sa paglalakad. I pulled his arm to stop him. Huminto naman siya pero nananatiling nakatalikod sa akin.

“Zach please, mag-usap tayo. Ayusin natin ’to-”

“Get off your hand.” Malamig niyang putol sa akin.

Naplunok ako ron. Pero hindi ko gagawin ang gusto niya. I have to talk to him. Alam kong sa kanilang lahat ay siya ang pinaka makakausap ko. Because I still feel that he’s worried for me and he’s just suppressing it by his resentment.

“Zach kahit sandali lang. Kausapin mo naman ako-”

“Sabing bitiwan mo ako Neil.” He uttered deeply hostile as he now faced me with his eyes fumed, full of rage.

Pahaltak niyang binawi ang braso niyang hawak ko. Natigilan naman ako dahil sa sobrang galit na nakikita ko sa mga mata niya. Magkasalubong ang dalawa niyang makakapal na kilay habang ang mga mata niya ay nanlilisik na nakatingin sa akin ngayon.

“We have nothing to fix up Neil. So stay the fuck away from me.” Mariin niyang ani.

Ramdam ko ang galit niya sa bawat diin ng mga salitang binibigkas niya. It was like he’s ridding of me. Felt as if he wanted me to finally out of his life.

Pero hindi ako tumigil at sinubukan ko pa ring kausapin siya para pakinggan ako. I took a step near him and parted my lips to spoke but he just immediately cutted me off.

“Zach-”

“Don’t call my name anymore! You’re not my cousin! You’re just a nobody to me now. To all of us, we see you as nobody. Kaya sana please lang, tigilan mo na kami. Because the moment you leave and break your words to us, para sa’kin patay ka na. Wala na kaming Neil na pinsan at mas lalong wala na kaming ibang Neil na kikilalanin pa dahil wala na ’yon.” He muttered darkly.

His eyes were piercing as his lips twitch in anger. His jaw moved, I can feel that he’s fully in rage.

Fuck. What did he just say… Seeing and hearing it from Zach saying this all to me, tormented me. Kaya ba gano’n nalang nila ako kausapin at tratuhin na parang pilubing nanlilimos sa kanila sa resto nung gabing iyon ay dahil sa itinuturing nila na wala na ako? Na patay na ako? That I’m totally dead in their life?

Napakurap ako at nagbaba ng tingin nang maramdaman kong manghina ang mga tuhod ko. Nanginig ang kalamnan ko sa mga sinabi niya. Is that it? Para sa kanila patay na ako? Fuck, it hurts like a damn hell.

Hearing Zach says like I’m just a nobody to him breaks my heart. He’s my best friend. My best cousin. What more if it was Kelsy and my other cousins say the same way? Paano ko pa kaya tatanggapin na tuluyan ko na nga silang mawawala sa buhay ko kapalit ng panibagong mundo.

Kabanata 7

Kabanata 7

Taste

I cannot lose my Arcoiris cousins. I give up Kaizer cuz they are more matter to me. Our family is the thymiest that will matter to me the most. And now that Zach is saying this to me, it feels like they’re abandoning me. And it fucking kills the shit out of me.

“Kuya? What is happening here?” It was Kelsy who spoke up.

Napaangat ako ng tingin nang makita ko sila Kelsy. They are complete. Ate Meaghan, Marcos, Zandra, Kelsy, Ezekiel, and Lucien. The group of friends that I will always want to be with. The cousins that I will probably wish to have.

“Who’s that in front of you?” I heard Ate Meaghan asked on his brother.

Napaawang ang aking bibig sa tanong ni Ate Meag. She clearly sees me here standing in front of Zach and yet she asked his brother like she really doesn’t know me. Damn. What the fuck is wrong with them. They hurting me so much.

“Ate Meaghan, ano bang sinasabi mo?” Tanong ko na nanlulumo na ngayon.

Lahat sila ay nakatingin sa akin na parang hindi nila ako kilala. Seryoso at walang buhay ang kanilang mga tingin. Maging si Zandra na hindi ko lubos na matanggap na ganito na ngayon ang trato sa akin.

“Z-Zandra please talk to me. Marcos, Lucien, Ezi, please. Huwag naman kayong ganito sa akin o, please. Pakinggan n’yo naman ako…” I said with my voice stern because anytime soon this will break in the pain.

Tinitigan lang ako ni Zandra at saka nag-iwas sa akin ng tingin. Sila Marcos naman ay diretso at walang buhay lang ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin. Humakbang ako para sana kumbinsihin sila at pakinggan ako nang biglang magsalita si Kelsy muli.

“Kuya let’s go. Mag-lunch na tayo dahil may class pa ako this noon. I can’t be late. And please, if this beggar here in the parking lot is needing money again, huwag mo nalang pansinin. Let’s just go-” I cutted Kelsy off.

“Kelsy I’m not some beggar that you can just shoo away with your money. Dimwit!” I hissed in agony.

“Never mind him. Tara na Kels-”

“Marcos what the fuck is wrong with all of you?!” I raised my voice this time when I can’t take what they are spilling to me.

Nasasaktan ako na tratuhin nila ako ng ganito. Alam kong nagkamali ako. Alam kong nag-iba ako. Pero sana naman makita nila na sinusubukan kong itama iyong pagkakamali ko because I will cannot afford to lose them.

“Kelsy, Zach, Ate Meagh, Marcos, Zandra, Lucien, Ezi…parang awa niyo naman. Tang ina. Huwag niyo naman akong tratuhin ng ganito!” I fired to them with my voice in almost about to break.

Pinagmasdan ko sila isa-isa na seryoso lang akong tinitingnan ngayon. We’re near the parking lot at sa may bandang mga puno at malapit sa pader na naghihiwalay sa parking at hallway. Walang tao at tanging kami lang ang narito ngayon.

And I’m taking this chance to talk and please them just for us to get back to what we were all before.

Hinarap ni Kelsy ang gawi ko mula sa pagkakaharap niya kay Zach. At si Zandra na kanina ay nag-iwas sa akin ng tingin ay ngayong nag-angat sa akin ng mga mata.

“Bakit Neil? What kind of treatment would you want us to mend for you?” Kelsy scoffed at me while her eyes change into the gloom of fury.

Nagsalubong ang aking mga kilay sa tanong niya. I gritted my teeth as I tried to be brave glaring at them back. Lahat sila ay malalim na nakatingin sa akin ngayon. And standing here in front of them despite their indignant stares, makes me want to back off. But I didn’t do it, because I have to get them back.

“Makinig kayo sa akin. I know you’re all mad at me because of what happened. And I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you about my plans. I’m sorry if I made mistakes in the past with Kaizer but I’ll assure you that we’re already done with that stupidity. Please Zach, Zandra, Marcos, lahat kayo, forgive me about it. I promise to not do the same mistakes again.

“Gusto kong magkaayos tayo. I want us to get along again. Because guys… I already miss you. I already miss having a night out with you. I already miss having a conversation, sharing laughs, and doing activities with all of you.” I lamented to them even there is something that stuck at the back of my throat.

Mabigat ang loob ko at nag-iinit ang likuran ng mga mata kong tinitingnan silang lahat ngayon. Mabigat ang paghinga ko at sinusubukang huwag munang bumigay at magpakatatag.

Kelsy humorlessly smirks at me. She then even chuckled fakedly after I saw her looked away, wiping the lone tear that escapes from her eye.

“Do you really think that we can get along after all that happened? Do you still assume that we can go back to the days we are all enjoying the company of each other?” Kelsy asked me in snapped.

I breathe. “Oo Kels, we can fix things up if you just let me-”

“Oh back off Neil. I didn’t want you to consolidate for it anymore. Cuz this is all done! Matagal ng tapos ang sa pagitan naming mga Arcoiris sa’yo! You’re just adopted, right? So why would we let you even prove to us that you’re really sorry.” Kelsy condemned me.

I gritted my teeth. Nakita ko namang humakbang si Marcos palapit sa akin at huminto rin kalaunan.

“We don’t know you anymore Neil. So if you’re asking us to listen to you, we’re sorry for that. Because we are all not fucking care about it.” Marcos scoffed at me while his eyes gravely darted on me.

Nag-awang ang aking mga labi dahil sa mabigat na pakiramdam na dumadagan sa dibdib ko. Their words were absolute that I don’t know if I can even break it through.

“I’m sorry Neil. But we’re done to you after you tell us you’re not even asking us to come over for you.” Ezekiel bitterly humid said.

Nahaltak naman ang hininga ko sa sinabi niya.

“H-Hindi ko sinasadya ’yong sinabi ko Ezi. I’m sorry, please. Ayusin natin ’to-”

“Broken pieces meant to be wiped out Neil. It’s not meant to be broken to just fixed nor pick up the pieces and assemble it over again. Because once it tears apart, you can never place it over to its usual before. And you know what you have to do once you can’t get it back to its usual form, Neil. It should be thrown away.” Zandra remonstrated on me.

Pakiramdam ko ay natigil ako sa paghinga at kinapos sa hangin dahil sa sinabi niya. Her words were obstinate. It struck me in no time that I get her hurtful point that I…should be out of their lives now.

I swallowed the least pride and bravery I have in me. Even the tears in the bottom lid of my eyes were shortly about to cascade, I will try to keep and reap my goal here, and that is to get them back.

“Zandra you know that it’s not true. Things are probably broken but they can be replaced with new ones. And I’m ready to start over again magkaayos lang tayong lahat. Please, I cannot afford to lose all of you.” I pleaded with them with my hoarse voice.

Nanlulumo ako at bagsak na ang aking magkabikang balikat na nakaharap sa kanilang lahat na seryoso at walang buhay ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin.

“Really? You cannot afford to lose us yet you change your surname. How ridiculous you are Neil. This is absolutely insane! Let’s go Lucien. Umalis na tayo rito.” Tinalikuran ako ni Kelsy at saka hinila sila Lucien paalis.

Mabilis ko naman siyang nilapitan para pigilan. They have to hear me. I have to let this out of my head so I can finally move on if this is really what they want me to do.

“Kelsy sandali! I did it for myself! I change my surname because I wanted it. I-I’m not a real Arcoiris and I can’t have it as my surname because I’m truly not part of your family-”

Hinarap ako ni Kelsy nang may matalim na mga mata. Tumigil din sila Zach sa paglalakad para harapin ako.

“Oh, is that true? Do you really think I will buy your reason? Alam naman naming lahat dito na ginawa mo ’yon dahil kay Kaizer! That you changed your last name just to finally out of that very disgusting incest relationship you have with him! Hindi mo kami maloloko-”

“Kelsy I’m not! I’m not doing all of these because of Kaizer! Ginagawa ko ito para sa sarili ko. Because I want to feel whole. Buong buhay ko inakala ko na isa akong Arcoiris. And knowing the truth that I’m just adopted, fuck, no one of you knows how it feels! It fucking hurts Kelsy! It fucking hurts…” I raucously said when I can’t take to be strong anymore.

Nanghihina ako na marinig at sabihin sa kanila ang lahat ng ito. I know that they just misunderstood things because their heads were clouded by anger and agony. But damn, if they are hurt because they think that I leave them because they feel like I’m changed…what about me?  Paano pa yung nararamdaman ko?

“Kelsy look, I’m trying to make up things between us because I still want all of you to be part of my life. Kahit na iba ang tunay kong pamilya gusto ko kayo pa rin yung pinsan ko. Kayo pa rin yung mga pinsan ko na palagi kong makakasama-”

“Take it to yourself, Neil. I will never want to have you as my cousin.” It was Zach who tears my word with his sharp line.

“Zach please, alam kong galit ka pa rin-”

“You changed your last name not because you knew you’re not a real Arcoiris. You changed it to Tito Demarcus because you see it as an opportunity to be free and finally have a relationship with Kaizer. You’re so gross Neil. You’re a fucking greedy nasty man that I’ve ever known,” Zach sharply let out that knocked my invincibility.

Fuck. Is this how they really think of me now? Did they see me this ill about taking advantage of the truth of being a Gutierrez? Para lang maging kami ni Kaizer?

Umiling iling ako sa sinabi ni Zach. Hindi makapaniwala. Nanginginig ang labi kong nakatiim bagang dahil sa sakit nang mga salitang inaakusa nila sa akin. Ramdam kong namuo ang luha sa aking magkabilang mga mata at anumang oras ay nagbabadya na sa pagbagsak.

Sarkastiko pa akong nginisian ni Kelsy. Matalim ang mga mata niya at ramdam ko ang galit niya para sa akin.

“Kung inaakala mo ay pwede ng maging kayo ni Kaizer just because you’re not one of us anymore, you’re wrong. We will not let you be. And to think, nasusuka pa rin ako sa ideyang magiging kayo. Because you two are men. How ungrateful human being you are to love him out of the line. I feel awful and horrified for you,” Kelsy uttered in humiliation and in so much disgust written on her face.

Tuluyang bumagsak ang mga luhang pinananatili kong huwag bumuhos. Nasaktan ako. Her words were foul and too deep for me to take. That’s how discrimination affects people. We cannot get to accept and entertain their insult. But even how much I’ve tried to avoid it, it will still run in my head like it was some nightmare. And it will be forever haunted me.

Napaatras ako palayo sa kanila. I gritted my teeth as I looked away from them. I cannot glance at them because I’m too hurt to glare at them.

“Hindi na tayo magkakaayos pa, Neil. At mas mabuti pang lumayo ka nalang at huwag na sa amin pang magpakita. Tahimik na si Kaizer abroad. He’s having his life there and so we are. Kaya sana sa mga desisyong pinipili mong gawin ngayon ay masiyahan ka. You’re out of our league now. And that means you’re just a nobody to us.” Ani Kelsy sa malamig at seryosong tono.

Hindi ko na sila nagawang tingnan pa at nanatili lang ang mga mata kong nakatitig sa sahig. Hindi na ako nagsalita dahil wala na akong mukhang maihaharap pa sa kanila.

I’m such gross. I feel disgusted to myself for loving a male alpha like him. It’s a nuisance of repulsion. And what makes it more complicated, I fell in love with my cousin. It’s all damn fucked. What I did was a mistake and now I abide my inner self to change to be better.

Hindi nagtagal ay naramdaman ko nalang na kalaunan ay umalis na sila at iwanan ako na mag-isa. Nakatulala akong nananatiling nakatingin sa sahig habang ang mga luha ko ay patuloy sa pag-agos.

I gritted my teeth and swallowed hard to removed the uneasiness I am feeling for myself. I’m such a fool to try my luck of getting them back. Because in the first place, I can transparently see that they wouldn’t entertain me. On the way, they ignore and avoid me. It says it all that I’m such a failure for them…and for myself as well.

Ayaw ko silang sisihin kung bakit gano’n ang kanilang isipin sa mga desisyon ko. Nagkamali ako noon and it may be just right for them to conclude it that way. Even their predicament hurt me, I will still ratify it.

Kasi kasalanan ko rin naman. Kung hindi lang ako naging padalos dalos sa mga salita ko nung araw na pumunta sila para sa akin. E’di sana may natitira pa sa akin. E’di sana, I have much chance to get Kelsy, Zach, and Ate Meaghan trust again. I may be still able to have them in my life. I may be still capable of keeping them in my voyage.

But now I don’t have anyone of them. I lose them all. Even Russco, he was mad at me when I left the house. Is this really my fate? If balancing and conserving the world I have isn’t my thing, then what should I be? Because now that I don’t have my cousins, the other half of me collapse. And I’m so sure that building that half of me that shatters will take a vast of time to get fully healed and educe.

Pumasok ako sa sumunod kong klase pagkatapos nang nangyaring iyon. Sinubukan kong ibaling ang atensyon ko sa buong klase. I wasn’t able to think properly and be functionable that day but I’m eager to finish the class.

Hindi mawala at maalis sa isipan ko ang mga sinabi nila Kelsy sa akin kanina. Gustuhin ko mang ipilit ang sarili ko sa kanila para magkaayos kami ay sa tingin ko ay malabo na iyong mangyari. The situation is already clouded and tainted. Our relationship was already tarnished. And straining myself with them just to save the wreckage relationship we share will not do anything well.

Like I’d always said to myself. I have to keep on moving forward. If something disappears to me today, even how big it is I have to move forward. Losing someone in life is inevitable. We cannot control things that are not under our control.

At ngayong nawala na ang mga pinsan kong Arcoiris sa buhay ko gaya ng gusto nilang paglisan ko sa kanila, I have to make up things on my own. I have to rearrange and repair myself for now.

Umuwi ako after school at hindi ko na nakasalamuha pa sila Zach sa loob ng campus. I also already texted Enzo that I will go home early dahil wala na rin naman akong klase.

Nasa bahay na si Nics nang makauwi ako. It’s four o’clock and I just plan to stay inside my room for the rest of the night. Wala rin si Papa sa bahay dahil sa mansion siya mags-stay kasama nila Tita Aurelia.

Ilang minuto na rin akong nakahiga sa aking kama simula nang makauwi ako. Nag-message naman si Enzo sa akin na mahuhuli siya ng uwi dahil dadaan pa raw siya sa opisina. It’s five-thirty when I take a glance at my phone’s time.

I feel the drain physically and emotionally. Probably because of what happened earlier. Naupo ako at saka sumandig sa headboard ng kama nang maisipan kong magluto ng dinner namin para kahit papaano ay maibaling ko sa ibang bagay ang aking atensyon.

I also thought of having a workout after this day. Kailangan kong mag schedule at magparegister ulit sa gym. Kaso nang bigla kong maalala na may gym room kami sa bahay ay napagdesisyonan kong baka dito nalang din ako at hindi na magtungo pa sa labas. Kumpleto rin naman kasi ang equipments sa gym room namin at lahat ng nasa gym facility ay meron kami rito sa bahay.

Bumaba ako ng hagdan at naabutan ko si Nics na naglalakad palabas ng kitchen. Nang makita niya ako ay napangiti siya.

“May gagawin ka?” Nics asked on me.

Nasa baba na ako nang hagdan nang eksaktong tanungin niya ako.

I pursed my lips then shook my head on her. “Uhm, wala naman. But I plan to cook us dinner.” I muttered because that’s what I’m gonna do.

Napakurap naman siya sa sinabi ko.

“But Kuya already cook us food for dinner. Umalis kasi si Manang pagkauwi ko kanina,” sagot ni Nics.

Napamaang naman ako. “Kuya? Hindi ba at mahuhuli raw siya nang uwi ngayong gabi? He texted me just a few minutes ago. Nandito na agad siya?” Nagtataka kong tanong.

Napalingon naman si Nics sa kitchen at saka binalik muli sa akin ang tingin. “Kuya Enzo you mean?”

“Ah-huh,” I answered on her in drawled.

Mahinhin naman siyang napangiti at bahagyang natawa. “Uh, oo Kuya Enzo will be home late. Pero hindi siya yung nagluto ng dinner natin.”

Napakurap naman ako. Kung hindi si Enzo, sinong Kuya?

“Hey there, son of a bitch.” Natigilan naman ako nang mapamilyaran ko ang malaki at malalim na boses na iyon.

Agad akong napalingon sa pinanggalingan ng boses na iyon sa kitchen at nagugulat kong nakita si Rhadmus na may mayabang na ngisi na nakaguhit sa manipis niyang mga labi. Nakasandig siya sa gilid ng pader sa hamba ng pintuan ng kitchen habang walang saplot na pang-itaas.

“Kuya, your words.” Nics censure at Rhadmus’s unfiltered mouth.

“Oh, my bad. Sorry, Nics.” Paghingi ng paumanhin ni Rhadmus sa kapatid ko at saka binalik muli sa akin ang mapaglaro nitong mga mata.

Tinaasan ko naman siya ng kilay at pagkaraan ay tumikhim ako.

“Sa kwarto ko lang muna ako Kuya Neil. Tawagin niyo nalang ako pag-ready na ang dinner,” Nics said then went upstairs.

“Alright,” tangi kong naging sagot sa kaniya bago siya pumanhik paakyat ng hagdan.

At nang marinig kong maisarado ni Nics ang pintuan sa kuwarto niya sa pangalawang palapag ay tinapunan ko ng masamang tingin si Rhadmus.

“What is it motherfucker?” I asked him back with the same nickname I use to call to him the first time we met at the court.

Napansin ko namang dumilim ang kaniyang mga mata nang sabihin ko iyon. Nananatili siyang nakasandig sa pader habang ang nakahalukipkip ang dalawa niyang malaking mga braso.

“I thought you forget me…that day. How come you still remember me son of a bitch?” He muttered huskily with his eyes alluring.

I pouted and twisted my lips. Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa katawan niya bago ako sumagot.

“Well guess what, I’m forgetful maybe.” I cockily said to him a bit annoyed by his presence.

Mas lalo naman siyang napangisi sa sinabi ko. I just shook my head at him then walked past through him para magtungo ng kitchen. Nakasunod naman sa akin ang kaniyang mga mata nang lagpasan ko siya patungong kusina.

“You cooked us food for dinner?” I asked him while I walk towards the stove. Nakabuhay pa iyon at nakita kong kumukulo.

“Uh-huh, I cooked for you actually.” I heard him answered at my back.

Hindi ko naman siya hinarap dahil natuon ang aking paningin at pang-amoy sa bango ng niluluto niya.

“What is this, motherfucker?” Tanong ko sa kaniya.

Pero nang hindi siya nagsalita ay hinarap ko na siya para balingan ng tingin. Halos mapaatras naman ako sa nakabuhay na stove nang halos magtama ang mga mukha namin sa sobrang lapit niya sa akin. What the,

Pigil ko ang hininga ko nang mapakapit ako sa magkabilang niyang braso ng mahigpit. Mabilis naman niyang nahapit ang likuran ko dahilan para magdikit ang aming mga katawan.

“Careful Neil,” he raucously muttered while his dark serious eyes staring at me in amused.

Napalunok naman ako. Tinulak ko siya nang magbaba ang paningin ko sa aking kamay na mahigpit na nakahawak sa magkabila niyang mga braso.

“What the heck motherfucker! Muntikan na’kong mapaso sa stove! Fuck.” I exclaimed in annoyance as my heartbeat fastened in so much nervousness.

He then chuckled sexily as his brows shot up. The side of his lip tugged up while his alluring piercing eyes darted on me.

“Nahapit naman kita agad kaya hindi natuloy. You should thank me for saving your life…son of a bitch.” Aniya sa mayabang na tono.

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin. Umiling iling pa siya bago siya lumapit muli sa akin. Titig na titig ang kaniyang mga mata habang may malademonyong ngisi na nakaguhit sa kaniyang labi. Hindi naman ako gumalaw sa kinatatayuan ko.

But when he’s getting closer and closer to me again, I took a step back slowly. Naramdaman ko rin na nasa likuran ko na namang muli ang stove.

“Anong ginagawa mo?” Tanong ko sa kaniya nang hindi na ako naging kumportable sa ginagawa niyang paglapit.

He didn’t respond. Bagkus ay nagpatuloy siya sa paghakbang habang ang madilim niyang mga mata ay seryoso at malalim na nakatitig sa akin.

And when I paused from stepping back dahil baka madikit ako sa stove na nakabuhay ay matalim ko nalang siyang tiningnan. Huminto naman din siya nang sobrang lapit na ng kaniyang katawan sa akin. What the hell is he doing?

He’s now towering over me. Bahagya siyang nakayuko habang ako ay bahagyang tinitingala siya dahil mas matangkad siya sa akin.

“Ano bang gagawin m-” natigilan ako sa tanong ko sa kaniya nang ang kamay niya ay tumungo sa aking likuran.

I heard him turned off the stove.

“Luto na,” He then uttered. Ang kaniyang mga mata ay mariin pero mapaglaro nang sabihin niya iyon sa akin.

Napatikhim naman ako at mabilis na gumilid para lumayo sa kaniya. He didn’t mind it dahil nagtungo siya sa kabilang side para kumuha ng plate at spoon. Nakita kong buksan niya iyong pinaglutuan niya at kahit pa na nasa gilid ako nakatayo ay napapikit ako ng mata nang maamoy ko ang sarap niyon. Damn, ano ba kasi iyang niluto niya?

“Come here, taste it.” Mabilis akong nagmulat nang marinig ko siyang magsalita.

Nasa harapan kami ng stove ngayon at may hawak siyang isang maliit na platito at isang spoon. Nakita kong may laman ng ulam ang platitong hawak niya habang ang kutsara naman ay mayroon din. Akma pa niyang isusubo sa akin ang kutsara nang agawin ko iyon sa kaniya.

“Ako na,” naiinis kong ani sabay kuha ng kutsara sa kaniyang kamay.

I tasted it at hindi nga ako nagkamali. Masarap nga ang luto niya!

“How was it?” Tanong niya sa akin matapos kong mag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin.

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin at bahagyang nginiwian. “Anong tawag dito sa niluto mo?” I asked dahil kanina pa niya iyon hindi sinasagot.

Nakapamewang naman niya akong pinagmasdan ngayon. His muscles were looking tense but it seems normal probably because it’s naturally huge.

“It’s kalderetang beef ala Rhad.” He answered with a smug look on his face.

Napanguso naman ako at saka marahan siyang tinanguan. “Kalderetang baka? Why it tastes like dinuguan?” I cockily said in mockery while the hostile remain on my face.

Ang mayabang niyang mukha na nakatingin sa akin kanina ay napalitan ng kaseryosohan ngayon. Gusto kong matawa dahil mukhang nabadtrip siya sa sinabi ko.

“Son of a bitch.” He murmured like he was embarrassed by what I said.

I smirked at him divulged this time. Annoyed. “Motherfucker.” I mocked.

He then rolled his eyes at me. Damn, ang suplado!

“Don’t roll your eyes on me, it’s so lame Rhad.” I sarcastically said in an irritated tone.

Mas lalo namang sumama ang hitsura ng mukha niya sa sinabi ko. At kalaunan ay humakbang siyang muli at nilapitan ako ng pagkalapit-lapit. Natigilan ako nang maramdaman ko na ang sobrang lapit niya na naman sa akin.

“Let’s move on from insulting my food, Neil. So now, tell me…am I taste good?” He then asked right in front of my face after he tilted his head to leveled our glares.

Natigilan naman ako sa tanong niya. Seryoso siya at ang mga mata niya ay madilim na nakatitig sa akin.

“Oo, masarap yung dinuguan mong luto,” I answered sarcastically then immediately pushed him.

Nakawala naman ako sa kaniya at nakangisi akong naglakad paalis roon. Ngunit nang magsalita siyang muli ay hinarap ko siya.

“Neil! Tell me, masarap ba ako o hindi?!” Malakas ang boses niyang tanong sa akin.

Halos malaglag naman ang panga ko sa naging tanong niya. Napangiwi pa ako nang makita ko ang iritado niyang mga mata. Shit, galit na siya agad?

“Ano bang sinasabi mo Rhad?” Tanong ko pabalik dahil nalilito ako sa tinatanong niya.

Mabilis na nagsalubong ang aking mga kilay na tiningnan siya. Hindi naman siya nagsalita at matalim lang akong tinitigan pabalik.

“If you’re pertaining about the Kalderetang beef you cooked. Fine, it tastes good.” Pag-amin ko na sa seryosong paraan para mawala na ang iritasyon sa kaniyang mukha.

Pero nagulat pa ako nang magsalita siyang muli. “What do you think about the chef who cooked that? Masarap din ba o mas masarap pa sa kalderetang niluto niya?”

Naiirita ko naman siyang tiningnan ngayon. Baliw na ba siya?

“Baliw ka ba? May eight pack abs ka lang pero mas masarap ’tong spare ribs ng beef.” Sagot ko sa kaniya sa galit na tono.

Napanguso naman siya sa akin na hindi ko inasahan. Tangina, parang bata.

“Tsh, pero kung makakapit sa biceps ko kanina sobrang higpit.” Bulong-bulong pa niya sa mayabang na tono.

Agad namang nag-isang linya ang dalawa kong kilay nang marinig ko ang sinabi niya. Huh! Aba’t umaandar na naman ang kahanginan ng isang ’to.

“Stop me, Rhad. Gutom lang ’yan. Halika at kumain na tayo. Tatawagin ko lang si Nics.” Ani ko at saka siya tinalikuran para mawala siya sa kabaliwan niyang mga pinagsasabi.

Ngunit bago pa ako makalabas ng kitchen ay narinig ko pa siyang may sabihin muli.

“Fuck, you’re just so good to look at when you’re annoyed.” I heard him muttered with his huge deep voice before I completely went out of the kitchen.

Kabanata 8

A/N: Sorry for the late updates. Medyo naging busy ako these past few days especially nag-start na ang online class kaya na-delay ang update. But I promise to post a new Kabanata every other day:) also thank you for reading Naked Trilogy! Your comments mean a lot to me so thank you😊

P.s.

be ready for this long ride…a rollercoaster one.

Kabanata 8

Gap

Sabay kaming kumain na tatlo nila Rhad at Nics ng dinner. Hindi ko naman mapigilan ang sarili kong samaan ng tingin si Rhad sa tuwing mahuhuli ko siyang nakatitig sa akin.

I will then looked away afterward when his stares oozing me. I don’t know what he’s doing. Hindi man ako nakakaramdam ng ilang sa mga ginagawa niya ay ramdam ko namang may mali. His stares were not eluding. It’s inaugurated.

And the way his air of arrogance confronts me the way he evilly smirks, it’s annoying me. He’s way older than me and to Enzo. Magkasing edad sila ni Pierce at trabaho na lamang ang inaatupag sa ngayon.

And that work seems to be a piece of cake to them. Conceivably because they are the boss of their own time. Pero kahit na gano’n ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasang pagtakhan ang mga ginagawa ni Rhadmus. He’s being annoying and at the same time arrogant and impulsive. He’s a mood changer.

Pero kahit na gano’n pa man ay ayaw kong mag-isip ng iba at mas malalim pa sa mga ginagawa niya. Ayaw kong bigyan iyon ng malisya dahil sa tingin ko ay sadyang ganiyan lang talaga ang pag-uugali nila. They are Gutierrez. And I don’t know even a bit of them. Kahit pa nakilala at naging kaibigan ko si Enzo noon. Iba pa rin itong mga pinsan niya - namin

Pierce is a serious man with humor. But I can sense his pervertedness. As well as with Rhad, they are such a manwhore. In just one passing glance, you can instantly say that they are manwhore. Believe me.

At kung kay Enzo naman, well, he also has the same aura. The only difference is that he’s more responsible and saner than the two.

Pumasok ako ng kuwarto ko pagkatapos naming kumain ng gabihan. Hindi ko na kinausap pa si Rhadmus o tinapunan man lang ng tingin dahil alam kong walang magandang mangyayari. Malapit lang din naman ang bahay niya kaya alam kong aalis din siya pagkaraan.

Nahiga ako sa kama ko at inalala ang nangyari sa aming magpipinsan kanina. Masakit pala talaga kapag yung mga taong pinapahalagahan mo at pinoprotektahan mo ang mismong magtataboy sa’yo palayo.

At kung ipipilit mo naman ang sarili mo sa kanila ay sa tangin ko ay sarili mo nalang ang niloloko at sinasaksak mo. Yes, it’s better to try than never. But remember that trying also means risking the chance that you may get hurt. You might get the chance of having them but the possibility of being pained is much higher.

Nakatingin ako sa puting ceiling ng kuwarto ko nang mahina akong bumuntonghininga. The lights in my room were turned off as the small lamp on my side table glints. Nakatihaya akong nakahiga nang maalala ko ang dahilan kung bakit nga ba ako nandito.

If losing the Arcoiris in exchange for having this new family, I should’ve made it worthwhile. I have to find the pieces that are making me broken. I had to know the reasons and all the why that never leaves my head the moment I knew the truth.

Who is my mom… The question that I really wanted to know what’s the answer. It isn’t fill in a blank question. Because now, I have Papa to answer that for me. And all I had to do is to ask him and for him to tell me everything.

Dahil simula nang makausap ko sila Dad at Mom tungkol sa pagkakaampon nila sa akin ay pakiramdam ko wala akong halaga. Dahil sino ba namang mga magulang ang ipamimigay lang ang anak nila at pagpapasapasahan sa iba nilang mga kaibigan.

It’s indeed erroneous. I feel astray because of them. And now, I can’t help to question myself if who I really am?

Dahil sa ginawa nilang iyon sa akin nung sanggol pa lamang ako, hindi iyon makatao. Para akong tutang pinamigay lang nila. At ’yon hindi ko lubos na matanggap magpasahanggang ngayon.

Sa lahat ng ginagawa ni Papa lately, pinipilit kong maging masaya at maka-adapt sa bagong lugar na meron sila. Sa buhay na kinagisnan nila na puno ng karangyaan. I admit that I infuriated him. Dahil sino ba naman ako para hindi magalit sa ginawa nila sa akin. I’m not some saint who will just forgive them. It’s myself who they’re just abandoned. It’s their son who they just cast off.

Masaya ako na kahit papaano ay naging maayos ang pagtanggap nila sa akin. Even I can sense Lolo and Tita Aurelia’s vexation over it. Hindi naman nila ako tinrato ng masama.

Gusto ni Papa na makabawi sa akin. That’s the one reason why he wanted me to live with them this time. Because in the past eighteen years, he was seeking for me. I didn’t know it. Unless he detailed it at some point.

Kaya naman nang gabing iyon bago ako natulog, I decided to call Papa. I get my phone at the side of my pillow. I sat on my bed and lean my drooping back at the headboard of my mattress. I gave him a call to finally hear his side. We have to settle this soon.

I remember that the last time I said I wasn’t yet ready to take all the tangibility about the past because I was so fragile at that moment. Masyado akong nabigla sa mga nalaman ko. At hindi ko gustong mabiglang muli dahil sa katotohanang makakasakit lang naman sa akin.

Pero ngayon na pakiramdam ko ay handa naman na akong pakinggan ang lahat. I want to grab this chance as soon as I can. Because I realize that I can’t move forward until I haven’t heard the real reason for this all. If why is my life turns into this, living in the other family knowing that they are also capable of sustaining my life moreover.

“Hello anak? Napatawag ka? Is there something you need? Just tell me if there is, I will give it to you right away.” It was Papa’s deep huge voice on the other line.

Madilim na ang gabi at mukhang nagising si Papa sa naging tawag ko. I gritted my teeth before I take a breath to inhale the uneasiness that I’m feeling right now.

“Neil?” Aniya pang muli nang hindi ako agad na nakapagsalita.

I let a soft sigh this time before I parted my lips for words to utter. “Tell me why you just gave me away. Tell me who’s my mother. Just fucking tell me who I really am, Pa,” I hostily said that I get to say a coarsely word.

I then clenched my jaw in bitterness of pain. My eyes didn’t blink as I heard him paused on the other line. My room is dark and the only light that is glinting was the lamp at the side of my bed.

I licked my lips as I turned it off as well. Hinintay kong magsalita si Papa dahil mukhang hindi niya inasahan ang naging bungad ko sa kaniya. Ramdam kong natigilan siya sa naging tanong ko.

Narinig kong malakas siyang napabuntonghininga. “Let’s talk about it in some time-”

“Tomorrow. Gusto kong pag-usapan natin ’to bukas agad.” Putol ko sa kaniya sa matigas na tono.

Naupo ako sa aking kama at ibinaba ang aking mga paa sa sahig.

“Okay, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.” He conceded. Narinig ko pa siyang mahinang bumuntonghiningang muli.

Napakurap naman ako at pinatay na ang tawag. Ayaw ko ng pahabain pa ang usapan. Bumibigat ang pakiramdam ko at para bang may dumadagan sa pagkatao ko. Alam kong nagkamali si Papa at ngayon ay sinusubukan niyang bumawi sa akin. And believe me or not, I’m trying to let myself heal to completely forgive people as well.

Beacause that is also what I want to receive from other people that are really close to my heart…forgiveness.

Kaya naman kinabukasan ay maaga akong pumasok. Si Enzo naman ay gano’n din dahil may dadaanan daw siya pagkahatid niya kay Nics. Hindi naman puno ang schedule ng classes ko ngayong araw kaya magagawa ko pang isingit ang pagkikita namin ni Papa.

Mabilis na natapos ang first-class ko at tinungo agad ang sumunod. Kaklase ko si Zach sa subject na ito. Kung kahapon ay nagawa ko siyang tabihan para kausapin, ngayon naman ay ako na mismo ang umiwas. Hindi man niya ako tinatapunan ng tingin ay alam ko namang nakikiramdam siya sa akin. I just ignored him in the way they want me to deal with them.

I focused on my class and eventually natapos din iyon pagkaraan ng ilang oras. Natigilan pa ako ng ilang sandali nang matapos ang klase namin at makita ko sila Kelsy na nasa corridor. Mukhang si Zach ang pinunta. Palabas na ako ng pintuan niyon nang mapatingin ako sa banda nila. Hindi naman nila ako binalingan ng tingin. Kaya yumuko na lamang ako kalaunan at saka umalis na roon.

Hindi na ako nagtagal dahil alam kong tapos naman na ang lahat sa aming magpipinsan. Gustuhin ko man silang makasama ay hanggang tingin na lamang ako sa kanila ngayon. They already cut the string that binds us together. The reason why I’m no longer part of them. I feel bitter about it but I guess I only have to get used to it from now on. No Arcoiris cousin anymore.

Tinungo ko ang parking lot at agad na sumakay sa kotse ko. I decided to just ate my lunch outside the campus dahil hindi ko rin kaya na makita sila Zach na sabay sabay na nagla-lunch sa cafeteria at nagkakatuwaan habang ako ay mag-isang kumakain at pinapanood sila sa kanilang table.

I receive a message from Papa right after I finished my food. Sa fast food resto lang ako kumain. Nasa loob pa ako at nakadine-in sa isang solo table nang basahin ko ang kaniyang message.

Papa:

Sorry I had some errands today in the office. Ngayon ko lang nabasa yung text mo. I will send you the location right after your class.

I typed in my reply.

Ako:

Alright.

Tumayo na ako at lumabas na ng fast-food chain. Isang class nalang ang meron ako ngayong hapon. At pagkatapos niyon ay didiretso na ako sa lugar na pagkikitaan namin.

I am eager to go to this meetup cuz myself is craving for the answers if how this all happened. Kaya nasisiguro kong ano man ang maging rason na ibibigay ni Papa sa akin, I’ll take it unhesitantly.

I went to school and I finished my last class after having my lunch. Naging mabilis ang oras na lumipas para sa akin. I focussed on the lesson that the professor is saying in front and I concentrate to answer the quiz he gave to us.

Hindi iyon nagtagal at lumabas na rin agad ako ng classroom nang matapos ang huling klase ko. Mabilis kong tinungo ang hallway patungong parking lot. I get inside my car and maneuver it right away I slid inside.

I took off into Papa’s office. I receive his message bago ako makalabas ng klase ko. He asked me for a place where I can comfortably talk about it with him. He suggested his office and I find it convenient lalo na at hindi ko rin gusto na sa labas namin pag-usapan iyon lalo na at alam kong sensitibo para sa akin. Kaya naman ay sinang-ayunan ko ang kaniyang ideya.

I parked my car outside the building of their company. This is my first time appearing here in their company building. It was pretty huge as its stature with the clouds in so much high.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng building pagkaraan at agad kong tinungo ang receptionist. Maraming tao at halos lahat ay abala sa kanilang mga opisina. May ilan pang napapalingon sa akin nang madaanan ko ang kanilang mga gawi.

The building was huge and spacious. The modern design and the interior of their lobby were perfectly beautiful. It was a luxury and a very cozy office like what I see abroad. Perfectly designed and very intimidating to commoner people to whom just get in if ever they are not used with this. They’ll surely get amazed.

“Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?” The woman asked me with her eyes flickered when I get in front of her.

“I’m here for Ned Gutierrez,”

“Ano pong pangalan niyo? May appointment po ba kayo sa kaniya, sir?”

Umiling naman ako. “I don’t have an appointment with him. I’m here to meet him.” I gravely said.

Napakurap naman ang babae. “Sandali lang po,” aniya at may tiningnan sa kaniyang monitor. Ilang segundo lang ay binalingan niya rin akong muli ng tingin.

“Sorry sir, but Mr. Gutierrez is busy in his office. He can’t be disturbed at this moment.” Aniya sa paumanhin na tono.

Nangunot naman ang noo ko. Papa said that I should have mentioned that I’m his son so I can straightly get into his office. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to use that ace of card so just I can slip in here at the lobby. Dahil wala pa namang ibang nakakaalam na may anak siya sa labas. And it will gonna be a talk of their industry if I said now to the receptionist that I’m Ned’s son. I don’t want to cause a leak by this.

Kilala ang mga Gutierrez. They are influential. At ayaw kong ako ang magpakilala sa sarili ko bilang isa sa kanila. Because I might cause them trouble. Si Enzo at Nics lang ang alam ng mga taong anak niya kaya kung magsasalita ako ngayon ay baka hindi lang din ako paniwalaan ng attendant.

I let a sigh. Tatawagan ko nalang si Papa para sabihing nandito na ako. I get my phone in my pocket and was about to call him when I heard a pleading voice near the elevator.

“Please sir, parang awa niyo na po. I really need this job. I swear! Wala po akong kinalaman sa mga nangyari. And about the presentation, it really is my fault that’s why we didn’t close the deal. I know that I could’ve done better than that. Please Mr. Gutierrez, please.” I heard a man in his pleading strained voice.

Napatingin naman ako sa lalaking iyon na halos lumuhod na sa pagmamakaawa sa sahig sa lalaking kakalabas lang ng elevator. Nasa likuran pa nito ang tatlong bodyguards niya na mga nakauniporme rin.

“Mr. Rhadmus, nakikiusap po ako sa inyo.” Paghagulgol ng lalaki sabay hapit sa isang binti ni Rhad para yakapin at pigilan sa paghakbang.

Napansin ko namang nakatingin na rin ang ilang emepleyado at nakikiusosyo sa nangyari.

“Get him out of my way. Now.” I heard Rhadmus said in authority.

Malalim at malaki ang kaniyang boses na punong puno ng awtoridad. Tuwid siyang nakatayo habang ang kaniyang mga mata ay madilim at mariin ang mga tingin. He’s wearing his pair of corporate attire and he looks dashing with it. But the clench of his jaw will be making you feel his superiority.

Gumalaw ang dalawa sa tatlong tauhan na nasa likuran ni Rhadmus. Hinawakan nila ang magkabilang braso ng lalaking nakayakap sa binti niya at saka hinila patayo.

“Mr. Gutierrez, please, p-parang awa niyo na po-” namumula ang mga mata at buong mukha nitong pagsusumamo sa lalaking malamig na mga tingin lang ang kayang ibigay sa kaniya.

“Get him out,” ani Rhad sa nakakapanindig balahibo na tono.

“Sir Rhadmus p-please! I really need this job! Don’t do this! I beg you!” The man screamed as he started to growls in tears.

Nakita ko pang magbulungan ang mga empleyado nang humiyaw at magpumiglas ang lalaking kinaladkad ng dalawang tauhan niya palabas ng building. But when Rhad’s eyes surveyed the place where the employees are grumbling, the employee hurriedly shut their mouths and tremblingly bowed their heads like they didn’t see anything just happened.

Parang mga takot na takot ang mga empleyado niya sa kaniya, mapa-lalaki man o babae. All of them are shivering and some are really ignoring what happened just to not get involved.

Ilang saglit pa ay naglakad na siya palabas nang bigla siyang huminto. He was vertically in line with me. Malayo ako sa kaniya cuz I’m at the front desk at kakalabas niya lang ng elevator. Nakatayo lang siya ng tuwid at diretsong nakatingin ang mga mata sa kawalan nang tumigil siya sa paglakad. And when he spoke, I almost left in gape.

“Son of a bitch,” he muttered in a low drawl that no one would hear.

And base on how his mouth says it, I immediately read what he just muttered. Then in no time, bigla siyang lumingon sa gawi ko.

I blink. I gape when his dark menacing eyes are now darting on me. He’s different. He looked different now compared to what he is last night. He’s far from being a cocky who smirks evilly. And the smug ambiance he always wears was not visible this time. He looks stoic and stern with his suit. The way his jaw clenched, it’s like you’re gonna be thrown away out of his way anytime soon like what just happened to the man on his knees a while ago.

“S-Sir,” dinig kong nanginginig na boses na ani ng receptionist na nasa harapan ko.

I cleared my throat. Nakatitig si Rhad sa akin. He’s a bit far from me but I know it was me he cursed.

“Motherfucker.” I sternly answered him under my breath.

Narinig ko pang mapasinghap ang receptionist sa harapan ko at ang ibang empleyadong nakarinig sa sinabi ko. Oh, did I just say something rude towards their boss? I smirk evilly at that.

“What are you doing here?” Nakatiimbagang na tanong sa akin ni Rhad at mabilis akong nilapitan.

He recognized me, I didn’t expect that.

Ang mga emplyado naman ay agad na nagsibalikan sa kani-kanilang mga trabaho nang magsalita siya. Malademonyo naman akong ngumisi kay Rhadmus nang ang madilim niyang ekspresyon ay hindi pa rin nawawala sa kaniyang mga mata habang palapit sa aking gawi. Mas lalo ko lang itong naipinta at natitigan sa malapitan nang huminto siya sa harapan ko.

“None of your business, Rhad,” I replied to his question.

Nangunot naman ang magkasalubong niyang mga kilay. Stress sa work? Tss, nakalimutan ko yatang mainitin nga pala ng ulo ng isang ’to.

“Why are you here?” Tanong niya pang muli sa akin. Seryoso at mas malalim sa pagkakataong ito.

Nagbaba naman ako ng tingin sa suot niyang suit at mabilis iyong pinasadahan ng tingin bago ako sumagot.

“I came here for Papa. May pag-uusapan kami.” Seryoso ko na ring ani sa kaniya.

Nakita ko namang gumalaw ang mata niya para balingan ang receptionist na nasa kanang gilid ko na ngayon nang harapin ko siya.

“So why are you still here? Bakit hindi ka pa tumutungo sa office ni uncle?”

Naramdaman ko namang suminghap ang receptionist sa likuran ko dahil sa sinabi ni Rhad.

“I-I’m sorry Sir Rhadmus. I didn’t know that he’s Mr. Gutierrez’s son. I’m really sorry.” Ani ng receptionist sa likuran ko.

Awtomatiko naman akong napakunot ng noo sa sinabi niya.

“I don’t validate reasons. You’re fired. Now get out,” Rhadmus suddenly pronounced darkly.

“S-Sir I’m sorry-” the receptionist said in shock and in appall. Her voice was stammered like she gets afraid of what she just did.

“Get out-”

“Rhadmus! What are you doing? She didn’t do anything wrong to me. Kaya bakit mo siya sisisantihen?” Mabilis kong sa kaniya nang matigilan ako sa mga sinasabi niya.

What the hell. He can’t just fire this woman. He’s so irrational and unreasonable.

Binalingan ko ni Rhad at tumutok na naman sa akin ang mariin at madilim niyang mga mata.

“Because she didn’t even know her kind of work. She should have known that you’re uncle’s son. You should’ve been treated well here, hindi yung pinaghihintay ka.”

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin. Inilibot ko pa ang aking paningin sa mga empleyado dahil baka may makarinig sa amin. And when I put my eyes on him again after I surveyed his employees, I pulled his hand. Hinila ko siya patungong mga sofa kung saan wala masyadong makakarinig sa amin dahil malayo sa front desk.

“Wait, sa’n mo’ko dadalhin-”

“Shut up, Rhad!” Mariin kong putol sa kaniya sa mahina ngunit matalim na tono. Hinarap ko siya at hindi pa rin nawawala ang seryoso at madilim nitong ekspresyon sa akin.

“Let go of my hand. You made me look like I’m your prisoner here even I’m the one who should captive you.” He then stated dimly.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. At binitawan ko lang ang kaniyang kamay nang marating namin ang waiting area.

“Don’t fire that woman. Hindi ko sinabing anak ako ni Papa kaya hindi niya ako pinaakyat sa opisina nito. And for Pete’s sake, wala akong balak na sabihin iyon until you come and ruin it! So now I want you to inform that woman to not tell anyone about it.” I demanded to him darkly.

Nagsalubong naman ang dalawang makapal niyang kilay at arogante akong tinitigan.

“No. They should know that you’re Uncle Ned’s son,”

I gritted my teeth in so much annoyance. Bakit ba kailangan niya akong pangunahan sa lahat ng bagay?! Fuck!

“Just fucking do it, Rhadmus!” Mariin kong ani sa kaniya sa mahinang boses.

Malalim niya pa akong tinitigan ng ilang sandali at sinuri. At pagkaraan ay walang sabi sabi na hinila naman niya ang braso ko habang nakita kong tanguan niya ang mga bodyguards na agad na nagsialisan sa paligid namin na mukhang naghihintay sa kaniya. Tinangay niya ako patungong elevator at halos tadyakan ko siya dahil sa paghila niya sa akin.

“Rhad bitawan mo nga yung kamay ko!” Paimpit kong sigaw sa kaniya para walang makarinig sa bawat empleyadong madaraanan namin.

Hindi naman niya ako pinansin at nagdire-diretso lang sa paglalakad at pagtangay sa akin. Agad niyang pinindot ang tamang palapag nang makapasok kami sa loob ng elevator. And when the elevator close I immediately pulled my hand out from his hold.

“Bakit ba kailangan lagi mo akong hinihila?” Naiinis kong tanong sa kaniya.

“You hold me first,”

“But I had to!” I exclaimed.

Nag-iwas naman siya sa akin ng tingin. “I’ll hold you whether you like it or not.” He diminished the topic.

“Then I’ll punch you big time once you get laid on my hand, motherfucker.” I darkly said, pissed.

Nakita ko naman siyang mapangising bigla. Bumalik na muli ang mapaglaro niyang mga mata na kanina ay madilim kung tumingin sa akin.

“Sungit,” I then heard him muttered.

Masama ko naman siyang tiningnan at tinaasan ng isang kilay bago ako nag-iwas ng tingin. “Tss. Such a hard piece of shit.” I mumbled in so much annoyance.

“What did you say?” He asked like he didn’t hear what I said because it’s too low that he can’t even get to understand it.

Nilingon ko siya sa tabi ko at naiinis siyang binalingan. “Nothing. Are you taking me to his office?” I then asked him dahil si Papa ang pinunta ko rito at hindi siya.

Ilang sandali pa niya akong pinagmasdan na para bang nanunuri sa akin bago niya sinagot.

“Mm, and please the next time you come here sabihan mo ako.” Aniya sa malalim at seryosong tono ng muli gaya ng kanina.

“And why would I?”

“So I can pick you up at the lobby.” He said nonchalantly.

“I have my feet. Hindi mo ako kailangan sunduin.” Ani ko sa kaniya sa malamig na tono.

And when the elevator open I immediately went out leaving him there inside dahil ayaw kong magtagal na kasama siya. Ngunit napahinto lang ako sa paglalakad nang marinig ko siyang magsalitang bigla sa aking likuran.

“You’re taking the wrong path. This way, son of a bitch.” He cockily said cuz I turn right.

I just rolled my eyes in the air as I turn back on him again. Oh well, hindi ko nga pala alam ang opisina ni Papa. Kaya naman ay tahimik ko lang siyang tiningnan at sinundan pagkaraan. Hindi na siya umimik pa at nang huminto siya sa tapat ng isang malaking pinto ay tumigil din ako.

He turns back his gazes on me and seriously nods at me afterward. “I should go,” biglang aniya na para bang alam niya na dapat na siyang umalis.

I licked my lips. Saglit kaming nagkatitigan bago ako tuluyang nagsalita at marahan siyang tanguan. “Alright, thanks for heading me here.”

He didn’t say anything and just stare at me before he leaves. Umalis na siya at ako naman ay hinarap ang malaking pintuan ng opisina ni Papa. Kumatok ako bago ko iyon buksan at tumuloy sa loob. Natanaw ko si Papa na mag-angat ng tingin mula sa kaniyang binabasa nang mabuksan ko ang pintuan. Tumayo siya sa kaniyang swivel chair at may tipid na ngiting agad akong dinaluhan.

“Come on in. I heard what happened in the lobby. Rhad told me. I’m sorry if I haven’t informed the receptionist that you’re coming. Please take your seat.” Papa said as he lends me his hand at the sofa.

Tumuloy naman na ako sa loob at naupo sa sofa na iminuwestra niya bago ako nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. “Ayos lang po,”

He also took his seat in front of me. I roam my eyes inside his office and it’s quite spacious. There’s a small table in the middle of us now, the entertaining area of his office where visitors are being welcomed.

“Do you want drinks?” He then asked.

“No, let’s just start,” I said to him like I’m in some business here.

I saw how his throat moved as he gulped hard. Kumurap naman ako dahil hinahanda ko ang sarili ko sa mga sasabihin niya sa akin. I heard him let a sigh before he looked away and then turn his glance at the city behind the glass wall where our sits are placed.

He didn’t speak for a moment. And when I realize that he’s also preparing himself cuz he’s also not that ready with this conversation, I take the first line for him.

“Bakit ninyo ako pinamigay?” Seryoso kong tanong sa kaniya nang mapansin kong nahihirapan siya kung paano at saan magsisimula sa kaniyang mga sasabihin.

“Bakit ngayon niyo lang ako kinuha? Bakit do’n lang kayo nagpakilala sa akin na kayo ang ama ko,” Mabilis kong sunod na tanong nang hindi niya agad ako nagawang sagutin at harapin.

My voice became stern this time. Hindi ko mapigilang hindi kumawala ang pait sa tono ng pananalita ko. I wanted to know his reasons. I demand for his explanation so it can at least lighten the burden inside me.

Naglipat siya sa akin ng tingin ngayon. Ang kaniyang mga mata ay namamanglaw at agad kong napansin ang gumuhit na pagsisi ro’n.

“I’m sorry, son. I don’t know where and how to start this but I’m such a coward. I’m such a dickhead for doing that to you. I made a mistake back then. At pinagsisisihan kong nagawa kong ipagtabuyan kayo ng ina mo noon. And up until now, I still regret leaving you. Hindi ko pinaniwalaang nagbunga ang pagsasama namin ng ina mo. It was just one night. A one fucking damn night,” he seriously muttered with his eyes in dim.

He then let a loud sigh like he’s letting out the uneasiness it brought to him. Hindi ako nagsalita at hinayaan na muna siyang patapusin. Gumalaw siya sa kaniyang kinauupuan. Pinagmasdan ko siyang kuhanin ang bote ng alak sa lamesang pumapagitna sa distansya namin at nagsalin sa kaniyang baso.

I saw his eyes straining the gushing feeling he was having right now as he poured his glass of whiskey. Nag-angat siya sa akin ng tingin bago siya nagpatuloy muli.

“I’m only a man. We’re only humans. We get stuck in the power of love. But once you get drown in so much anger, that love can turn you into a fury that you will regret later on. And that’s what happened to me. I pushed your mother away kahit pa sinabi niya na sa aking nagdadalang tao siya sa’yo. And believe me or not, I was damn fucking hurt for doing that.”

“You are hurt but you still did it. Kung gano’n bakit mo siya pinagtabuyan? You know that she’s bearing a child. She’s bearing me inside her womb, Mr. Gutierrez.” Hindi ko na naiwasang maging ganid sa galit na naramdaman ko para sa kaniya sa mga oras na ito.

He sipped a drink on his glass. At ang namamanglaw niyang mga mata ay tumambad ng muli sa akin pagkatapos niyon. Matabang pa siyang ngumiti kahit pa ang mga labi niya ay pakurbang lungkot naman talaga ang nais na gawin ngayon.

“She cheated on me. Your mother cheated on me at hindi ko iyon matanggap. Kaya nung sinabi niyang nagdadalang tao siya at sabihin niyang ako ang ama ay hindi ko iyon pinaniwalaan. She cheated on me, and his man is the possible father of her child.” Aniya sa malalim na boses. Gumalaw ang kaniyang panga at nag-iwas siya sa akin ng tingin.

Napakuyom naman ako ng kamao ko.

“If that’s how you believe it before. Ano ngayon at nagpakilala ka bilang ama ko? Pa’no at nagawa mong kilalanin ako bilang isang anak mo if you think before that I was the fruit from her mistake?” Matalim ang mga mata kong hindi nag-aalis ng tingin sa kaniya nang sabihin ko iyon.

“Because my guts say so-”

“And where your fucking guts take you, Mr. Gutierrez?! I’m your son, my mother made a mistake and why didn’t you even let herself explain to you?” Nag-aalburoto ko ng tanong.

Kalmado akong nakaupo pero ang init ng galit na nararamdaman ko ay nagsusumikdo sa aking boses. Ang mga mata ko ay nag-iinit habang ang mga kilay ko ay may buhay na masama siyang pinagmamasdan ngayon.

I don’t want to be rude. I should be fair to both of them. Dahil hindi lang naman si Papa ang nagkamali dahil sa simula pa lang ay si Mama na. Pero hindi ko lang matanggap na sa sobrang galit niya kay Mama ay nagawa niya itong ipagtabuyan palayo.

“Sinubukan ko Neil. Believe me or not, I really tried to understand your mom’s mistake but I really just can’t. Masyado akong nasaktan sa ginawa niyang panloloko sa akin. I loved her. She’s my all. My world and my life. Pero anong sinukli niya? She finds comfort in another man’s bed and that’s fucking unfortunate. It was devastating if you just know.” Nakita kong mamula ang kaniyang mga mata nang ibaba niya ang baso ng alak matapos niya iyong lagukin.

Pinunasan niya ang kaniyang bibig at nag-uumigting ang kaniyang panga na binalingan akong muli. Halos mangatog naman ang kalamnan ko sa mga titig niya. Papa’s eyes were in pain now. It was mixed in regret, guilt, and resentment. Na para bang magpasahanggang ngayon ay nananatiling buhay ang mga alaalang kinukwento niya.

I now feel his pain. I now feel and conclude how devastated he was at that time. I’m also a man, and seeing my woman in another man’s bed. I don’t know how to fucking take her again remembering that he once lay with someone else.

“I investigated her. After I pushed her away, I sent someone that can prove that you’re really are mine. Naghintay ako ng ilang buwan bago ka isilang sa mundong ito. At do’n ko lang nalaman at nakumpirma na ang dugong dumadaloy sa ’yo ay ang dugong nananalaytay din sa akin,”

But after he said that. I paused for a while. Ngayon ko lang naproseso ang lahat ng kaniyang sinabi. If he waited for my mother to let me out of her womb to prove that I’m his. What about Enzo? He’s way older than me. Our age gap was four years in difference.

So how come that my mother became his world if that time he already had a son from Tita Aurelia?

Akma niyang kukuhanin ang bote ng alak para magsalin sa kaniyang baso nang padarag kong hawakan iyon para pigilan siya. I gritted my teeth and darkly glare at him this time.

“Are you telling me the truth, Mr. Gutierrez? Because the last time I check, you had Enzo four years ago before I came out from my mom’s womb,” I sharply asked him with my eyes narrowed on him.

“That’s another story, Neil.” He muttered seriously.

I clenched my jaw. “Then fucking tell me the truth,” I demanded as I tried to control myself from raging.

He couldn’t lie to me. He cannot.

Kabanata 9

Kabanata 9

Dream

“Neil-”

“You mentioned that my mother is your life! You said that she’s your all…your world. But why does it seems like your skipping the part of your mistakes?!” I boomed enormously when I can’t handle my anger and frustrations anymore.

Mariin naman siyang pumikit at mabilis na tumayo mula sa kaniyang kinauupuan. Habol ko ang aking hininga nang talikuran niya ako at tunguhin ang parte ng kaniyang opisina kung saan tanaw ang kalakhan ng syudad.

I stood up from my sit to stalk him. Nakatalikod siya sa akin ngayon at nakapamewang na tinatanaw ang nagtatayugang establisyemento sa likod ng babasaging pader.

Ramdam ko ang pagtitimpi niya at pag-iisip sa mga nais at dapat niyang sabihin sa akin ngayon. I was already hooked earlier. I already believe him but when I assess my situation and his situation at that particular moment, I think he’s missing the part where all of this is rooting in. His mistakes were the reason why my Mom cheat on him.

Did she really cheat? Or he was just deceiving me.

“Sabihin mo sa akin ang totoo, Pa. Tell me what’s the score between you and my real mother. Is she really mean to you a lot? Is she really is your world like you were saying or she’s far from being that? If you’re scared that you might hurt my feelings and by sugarcoating everything you confess to me keeps me safe. I won’t take that shit like your best armor.” I wielded with my stern voice.

Nakita ko naman kung paanong tumaas baba ang kaniyang balikat. It’s moving as if he’s getting a hard time in breathing and controlling everything under his control.

“I’m sorry if you think that I told an untruth…that I’m lying but I’m not. I indeed loved your mother. I fell in love with her but at the wrong time and situation. It was the mistake I would still choose to make even-”

“Even you’re a married man. Is that it?” I finished his line diminishedly.

The way he said it to me. Pinapaikot niya lang ang mga salita niya. He is just fabricating the fact that it was indeed his fault from the very beginning. And I can already conclude everything that happens in my head.

“Yes, because your mother is the comfort-” I cutted him off once again.

“What the fuck, Pa! She’s the comfort in your bed. Not the other way around that she cheated on you!”

Hinarap naman na niya ako sa pagkakataong ito. Ang mga mata niya ay seryoso at malalim. His lips were half parted while his chest raise like he’s having a hard time breathing.

“No, she’s not. Listen to me first Neil Irish-”

“Why would I listen to you if you are just fabricating everything to me?! Mas lalo niyo lang sinisira ang imahe niyo sa akin hindi lang bilang isang ama sa akin kun’di pati bilang isang tao! How could I get to believe you if in yourself alone you’re already lying!” I shook my head in disappointment to him.

Mabagal akong umiling iling habang ang mga labi ko ay mariing nakatimpi. My jaw was moving in ample resentment. Nababahala naman ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin ngayon. His eyes were in bloodshot as the veins on his forehead showed this time.

“I was expecting to hear the truth from you. And I’m believing that after I listen to everything you will say, I’ll finally figure out what my whole being is. But then I guess, I expect a lot from you, Pa… Aalis na ako. Hindi ko inasahang ganitong klaseng usapan pala ang kaya niyong ibigay sa akin.” Matabang at walang buhay kong sinabi.

I’m very disappointed in him. He’s my father and I’m expecting him to be transparent with me in this situation. Especially that he’s gaining my trust and as his allowance to fill the gap he wasn’t able to fulfill in the past years. Pero hindi ko inasahan na kasinungalingan lang pala ang mahihita ko sa kaniya. Tinalikuran ko siya at desidido nang umalis ng opisina niya nang mag-salita siyang muli.

“She’s my woman. She’s my significant other, Neil…”

Natigilan ako sa paghakbang nang rumehistro sa aking tainga ang malalim at namamaos niyang boses. Naestatwa ako sa aking kinatatayuan at para akong nabuhusan ng isang malamig na tubig dahil sa binitawan niyang dalawang huling salita.

“I loved her. I loved your Mom. I really do but it was wrong. I was already promised and married to someone else. I already have a son, Enzo… your brother. Sinubukan kong pigilan ang nararamdaman ko pero masyado akong naging mahina para sa kaniya. Minahal ko ang ina mo sa paraang iba sa pagmamahal na ipinakita ko kay Aurelia. And she was far from being my world but I described her as that… Because the day I get crazy over her. I chose to break the rules I oath to commit just to be with her world.” He said in dolor with his voice burried deeply raucous.

Nananatili akong nakatalikod sa kaniya at hindi hinaharap ang kaniyang gawi. I feel impaled by his words. Pakiramdam ko ay ako ang nagsasalita ng mga linyang binibitiwan niya. Because I fell in love too. With the wrong person and in the wrong situation. We happened to be a taboo. And the only difference is that we’re in the same world. And I risk making another one for us both where we can be our best selves together.

“I loved your Mom far more than anyone else. Kaya nang malaman kong nagbunga ang pagmamahalan namin at itago niya sa akin ang katotohanan ay huli na nang malaman ko. We’ve been separated for almost one and a half years. Dahil siya ang lumayo at nakipaghiwalay sa akin. Because she knew then that she just did what is best for us. At nalaman na rin ni Aurelia ang tungkol sa namamagitan sa aming dalawa. She made me a choice. Two freaking choices that will mean of leaving someone behind…”

I rolled my fist into stone as my jaw clenched in rampant of truth that struck me hard. It wasn’t the revelation I expect to be. But damn, it fucking hurts like hell.

Nanatiling nakatuon ang aking mga mata sa malaking pintuan ng kaniyang opisina. Mabilis ang tahip ng aking dibdib sa sobrang kabang nararamdaman para sa susunod niyang sasabihin.

“And that is the choice between my family or the woman who means the world to me.” He muttered weakly this time.

I flickered. At pagkaraan ay marahan akong tumalikod para harapin siya. Nag-iinit ang likuran ng aking mga mata habang ang labi ko ay mariin lang na nakatimpi nang balingan ko siyang muli.

His eyes were in forlorn as they bore in me with gazes. His shoulders drooped while his brows weakly lay down in regrets. Kita ko ang sinseridad sa kaniyang mga mata sa mga oras na ito. And the pain he’s trying to live in a long time ago was now on blast like it happened just yesterday.

“And you choose your family…because family means the universe.” I hostily probed.

His bloodshot eyes blinked and looked away after I said that. Hindi ko siya masisisi. Mag-ama nga ata kaming dalawa. Because we both choose and save the universe rather than being with the world we just dream of to live. Because family matters more than anything and anyone else.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you think that I just dumped you away. Hinanap kita kung alam mo lang anak. Sinubukan kong hanapin at kuhanin ka sa mga Arcoiris pero hindi ko rin nagawa. You were having your life abroad nang mahanap kita. Kaya hindi na rin ako nagkalakas pa ng loob na bawiin ka dahil mas minabuti kong makasama mo sila Jessiah at Verity. Dahil pakiramdam ko ay masama akong ama na hindi mo na dapat pang makilala. That perhaps you deserve a life with people who’s kind and filled with faithfulness.” Aniya sa mapait na tono. Ramdam ko sa tono ng kaniyang pananalita na anumang oras ay mababasag na iyon.

Kaya naman ay humakbang ako palapit sa kaniya para sakupin ang iilang pulgadang distansya namin sa isa’t isa. At do’n ko nakita kung paanong tuluyang bumagsak ang mga luha sa kaniyang namumulang mga mata kasabay ng pagyanig ng kaniyang magkabilang balikat.

“Patawarin mo ako anak kung nanahan ka sa piling ng hindi mo tunay na mga magulang. Patawarin mo ako dahil naging duwag ako. I’m such a coward for not getting you back. Pinangunahan ako ng takot ko. Dahil natakot akong palakihin ka ng walang kinikilalang ina. Natakot ako na kapag nagkaroon ka na ng muwang ay tanungin mo ako ng mga bagay na hindi ko magagawang sagutin.” Ramdam ko ang paghihinagpis sa bawat salitang pinapakawalan ni Papa.

Kaya nang makalapit ako sa kaniya ay hindi ko na napigilang yapusin siya ng isang mahigpit na yakap.

“I understand… I understand Pa.” I muttered hoarsely because I feel that anytime soon, my tears will going to cascade too.

Naramdaman ko ang dalawang kamay ni Papa na dumapo rin sa aking likuran para yakapin ako pabalik. Hinagod ko ang kaniyang likod habang dinadama kung gaano siya kasising sisi sa mga pagkakamaling nagawa niya noon.

Namalayan ko namang unti unting maglaho at mabura ang galit na nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya kanina. I understand him. As a man, his mistakes weren’t valid but if you encounter the same situation, you’ll get to accept and validate it.

Maybe some people will say that he should become a man by taking his mistake as his huge responsibility rather than being a coward. And yes he can probably and surely do it. But at the same time no because fate is dissuading his path. And it is a choice rather than weighing things in between.

At alam ko ang pakiramdam na iyon when Kaizer and I happened. I used to get confused and at the same time become the traitor to my own self. I knew what is right but I opt to choose what my heart is dictating me. I know it was immature and purely a mistake. But that serves me a huge lesson, that we cannot live our lives the way we wanted it to be as long as we are having faith and beliefs in things that will bound us to be good.

Because life isn’t perfect. And if you are dreamt of having a happy and perfect life, sometimes you had to set your burdens and doubts down and just let yourself be regardless of anything else.

Bumalik kami sa sofa na kaninang pinagpuwestuhan naming dalawa. I was now sitting in front of him. Madilim na ang kalangitan sa labas at nakabuhay na rin ang mga ilaw sa loob ng kaniyang opisina.

Ilang saglit kaming walang imikan sa isa’t isa. Naramdaman kong kalmahin niya muna ang kaniyang sarili bago niya ako kausaping muli. He seems calm now than a while ago that he looks so apologetically devastated on me.

Nagbaba ng tingin ang mamasa masa niyang mga mata sa lamesang nakapagitan sa amin. At saka siya nagsalita pagkaraan.

“Enzo knew about you since when he’s seven years old. Halos walang gabi rin kasi kaming hindi nag-aaway ng Tita Aurelia mo noon at palaging naririnig ni Enzo iyon. While Nics was only one year younger than you. Enzo was mad when he heard about you. He thinks that you are the reason why I and her Mom are always on a rival. But since then I tell him about you that you’re also a boy… I see how his rampant change into eagerness.” Nag-angat siya sa akin ng tingin. “Alam mo bang siya pa ang nagpumilit sa aking kuhanin ka sa mga Arcoiris nung nasa abroad ka,” Papa uttered then chuckled softly afterward as if he was reminiscing that day.

Tipid naman akong napangiti dahil naimagine ko kung gaano nga kasaya si Enzo. At mas lumaki pa ang tipid kong ngiti nang maalala ang sinabi niya sa akin na sobra siyang natuwa na may lalaki siyang kapatid. Ni hindi niya rin naiparamdam sa akin na iba ako sa kanila.

“He even study hard para lang pagbigyan ko siyang makita ka sa States. You were too young back then when we go and visit you there. Kaming dalawa lang ni Enzo iyon. You were doing ice skating that time nang pagmasdan ka namin ng Kuya mo mula sa malayo.”

“Really? Why he didn’t approach me?” Tanong ko sa kuryosidad.

Napangiti naman si Dad at sumimsim sa isang tasa na may laman na kape. He calls for it at the telecom to deliver it here in his office earlier.

“He did, actually. Hindi mo na siguro naalala dahil bata ka pa lamang no’n. He approached you by helping you stood up from falling. Bumalik pa siyang nakangiti sa akin right after he helped you. He even said that you are also handsome like him.”

I chuckled at that. Hindi ko napigilang mapangisi sa imahe niyang sobrang napakagaan sa pakiramdam ko habang iniisip na sinabi niya iyon. Damn, Enzo is such a good man.

“Kaya nung malaman niyang mags-stay ka na rito sa Philippines for good, he said to me that he’ll gonna make a way for you to recognize him. And also to finally know the truth, that you’re his brother…”

Ang kaninang ngisi ko ay napalitan ng isang simple at maliit na ngiti. Well, he really did. At hindi siya nabigo. I then lift my glares at my father’s way to ask him.

“Can I ask you one more question?” Pagkaraan ay tanong ko kay Papa.

Agad naman siyang tumango bilang tugon. I let a sigh then bit my lower lip before I utter to ask him.

“Who’s my mother then? I want to know her. Kahit pa hindi na kayo nagkita pagkatapos ng lahat. I still want to meet her,” Ani ko sa kaniya.

Malungkot naman ang mga mata niyang nag-iwas sa akin ng tingin. His mouth parted and weakly smile lifelessly.

“Your Mom…she passed away after she gave birth to you.”

Natigilan naman ako. What? My real mother is…dead?

“H-How is that happened?” Nagugulantang kong tanong kay Papa. Hindi makapaniwala sa kaniyang sinabi.

Pakiramdam ko ay may isang mabigat na bagay ang dumagan sa aking dibdib nang sabihin niya iyon. Malungkot ang mga mata ni Papa na nag-angat sa akin ng tingin.

“After I knew about you from her friend from my investigator, they told me that she didn’t make it. Hindi niya nakayanan ang pagluwal sa’yo. At ’yon din ang naging dahilan kung bakit ka napunta kila Jessiah at Verity. I’m really sorry, son.”

Pagkatapos kong malaman at marinig na patay na pala ang tunay kong ina ay pakiramdam ko ay namanhid ako at nanlumo. Dahil kahit pa na gano’n ang nangyari sa kanila ni Papa ay may parte sa aking gusto siyang makasama at kilalanin din bilang isang ina ko.

Pero ngayong wala na siya ay may parte sa aking nanghihinayang na hindi ko man lang siya nasilayan. But like what Papa said to me, she died right after she gave birth to me.

Ngayong nalaman ko na ang lahat at nasagot ang mga tanong na bumabagabag sa akin. Mas naliwanagan at naintindihan ko kung bakit ako napunta sa sitwasyong may pamilyang umampon sa akin.

Walang sinuman ang may kasalanan. And I’m also thankful that the Arcoiris family is the home who open their doors for me. Masaya ako at sila ang nakasama ko at tinrato ako na parang tunay at isa sa kanila.

Hindi na rin ako nagtagal pa sa opisina ni Papa. Nagpaalam na ako sa kaniya at lumabas na ng office. Susunod na rin daw siya sa akin pagkaraan at sa bahay daw siya tutuloy ngayong gabi. Pinauna na niya akong umuwi at nasabihan na rin niya si Enzo tungkol dito.

Pagkalabas ko ng opisina at saktong pagkasarado ng pintuan ay nagtaka pa ako nang makita ko si Rhadmus na nakasandig sa malamig na pader malapit sa pintuan. Agad naman siyang napaangat sa akin ng tingin nang matunog kong sinarado ang pintuan ng opisina.

“Ano pang ginagawa mo rito?” Nagtataka kong tanong sa kaniya. Nilagpasan ko siya at naglakad ako patungong elevator. Naramdaman kong nakasunod din siyang naglakad kasabay ko.

“Waiting for you,” sagot nito sa akin sa malalim at namamaos na tono.

Hindi ko naman siya nilingon at nagtuloy tuloy lang ako sa paglalakad.

“Are you…alright? Mukhang natagalan ata ang pinag-usapan niyo ni uncle.” Aniya pang muli nang marating namin ang pinto ng elevator.

I pressed the button to open. “I’m alright Rhadmus. Eh, ikaw? Bakit hindi ka pa umuuwi? The sun already goes down. It’s also past six-thirty in the evening. Hindi ka pa ba pagod sa trabaho?” Tanong ko sa kaniya at saka pumasok sa loob ng elevator ng bumukas ito.

Pumasok din siya sa loob at tumayo sa aking tabi. He’s now wearing his white button-down shirt habang ang suit niya ay nakasabit sa kaniyang kaliwang braso.

“I told you, I waited for you.”

Pinindot ko naman ang buton ng ground floor bago siya tinapunan ng tingin sa aking tabi. He’s staring at me languidly when I took a glance at him. Nag-iwas din naman agad ako sa kaniya ng tingin.

Hindi ko na lamang pinabulaanan pa ang sinabi niya. So what now he waited for me, right? At nang mabaling ang paningin ko sa repleksyon naming dalawa sa pintuan ng elevator ay napansin kong nakabukas ang tatlong pang-itaas na butones ng kaniyang damit.

“You looked exhausted, kaya mo pa bang mag-drive?” Mayamaya ay tanong sa akin ni Rhad.

Napalingon naman agad ako sa kaniya. “Yeah, I can manage. Don’t worry. I’m alright.” I simply answered him dahil ayaw ko ng pahabain pa ang usapan.

“I can give you a free ride. Come on, you’re exhausted.” Giit pa niyang muli sa akin.

Hindi ko naman na nagawa pang mag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin dahil pakiramdam ko nga ay napagod ako ng labis sa araw na ito. Kahit na wala naman akong physical activities na ginawa sa araw na ito ay emotionally drained naman ako. Dahil hindi ko pa rin maiwasang isipin ang pinag-usapan namin ni Papa kanina sa opisina.

“Don’t worry about your car, ipapamaneho ko nalang patungong subdivision. Sumabay ka na sa akin.” Ani pa niyang muli sa pagtatapos na tono ng usapan. He was serious when he said that.

“Hindi na Rhad, kaya ko pang magmaneho-” then he cutted me off in abrupt.

“Give me your keys.” Mayamaya ay ani niya sabay lahad sa akin ng kaniyang palad.

Napakurap naman ako habang pinagmamasdan ang malapad niyang palad na nakaabang sa akin. Then I remember myself saying the same line to Kaizer before. He was used to be playful before every time I demand to give me his damn keys.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang maalala ang maangas at masungit niyang mukha sa tuwing hahalikan niya ako dahil sa pag-aakala niyang ‘kiss’ sa ‘keys’. Mariin na lamang akong napatiim bagang nang maalala ko iyon.

Kumusta na kaya siya? I hope he’s doing well. And I wish that he’s living his best life now.

“Neil? Hey,” I snapped out in my reverie when Rhad’s voice registered in my hearing.

Napaangat ako sa kaniya ng tingin at nakita kong nakatayo na pala siya sa labas ng elevator ngayon at nakaalis na sa aking tabi. Hindi ko namalayang bumukas na pala ito.

“Are you really alright? Bakit parang kanina ka pa tulala?” Tanong niyang muli sa akin nang makahakbang ako palabas ng elevator.

Tahimik na ang ground floor ng building dahil mukhang nagsiuwian na rin ang ilang mga empleyado. Hindi ko na rin pinansin pa ang paligid at nagtuloy tuloy na lamang sa paglalakad dahil gusto ko na ring umuwi para makapagpahinga.

“Neil? What the heck,” natigilan lang ako nang marinig ko si Rhadmus na magsalitang muli.

Binalingan ko siya ng tingin at bumungad sa akin ang naiirita nitong ekspresyon. Napakurap naman ako.

“Bakit?” Tanong ko.

“Fuck, you’re really not okay. I told you to give me your damn keys earlier when we’re on the elevator. And I’m asking you just a minute ago and you didn’t even hear me? Damn it, get in my car.” He precepts bossily.

Tatanggi at aangal pa sana ako sa kaniya nang mariin at matalim niya akong tiningnan. Kaya naman ay bumuntonghininga na lamang ako at hindi na umalma pa. I handed him my car key at nakita kong iabot niya iyon sa isa sa mga battler niya.

I get inside his car and Rhadmus get in as well after I saw him talked with his battler. Nakatingin lang ako sa bintana ng sasakyan niya nang marinig ko si Rhad na magsalitang muli sa tabi ko.

“Your seatbelts, Neil. Fucking buckle it on.” He hostily said with his serious large voice.

“I’m sorry, I forgot.” Mahina at hingi ko ng paumanhin sa kaniya sabay kabit ng seatbelt sa aking katawan.

Iritado naman ang kaniyang mukha nang pasadahan ko siya ng tingin. Magkasalubong ang dalawang makakapal niyang kilay habang ang kaniyang panga ay nag-uumigting. He seems so pissed at me right now.

He maneuver the car right after I put on my seatbelt. Hindi ko nalang siya pinuna dahil naging abala ako sa pag-iisip habang ang mga mata ko ay nasa bintana ang tingin. Tahimik lang ako at gano’n din naman siya.

After that long conversation with Papa, I feel great. But at the same time drain dahil sa halo halong emosyon na naramdaman ko. Napakiramdaman ko kung gaano rin kahirap ang naging sitwasyon ni Papa noon. He really is my father. Because we choose the same latter when it comes to love. Even in substitute is the sacrifice of losing someone you also love.

It must be really tough for my mother. Loving someone who is already married is a risk like you’re playing with the fire of love. It’s either mapapaso ka o mabibigyang init nito. But it will eventually be gone once the strong wind comes along their way. Kaya hindi rin nagtagal ay natupok din ang apoy na pinagsasaluhan nilang dalawa ni Papa.

Mali ang naging relasyon nilang dalawa. At ang mas masaklap ay yung nagbunga ito. But it doesn’t mean that I’m just a fruit of their mistakes, because I’m also the living proof of their love for each other.

There is always a mistake in life. It might be in love nor in any circumstances that life throws to us. And it’s alright to commit mistakes. Because we’re all in the work of progress.

At ang pagkakamaling pagmamahal na nagawa namin ni Kaizer, I can say that it was my best mistake. I didn’t regret loving him. Dahil sa kaniya ko lang naramdaman yung gano’ng klase ng pagmamahal.

I know that what happened between us is just a phase in our life. But I believe that it’s also happened for us to be whole in time when we’re ready to embrace that mistake.

“Neil… Mi Arcus, wake up. Nandito na tayo,” naidilat ko ang aking mga mata nang marinig ang pamilyar na boses na nagpanginig sa buong diwa ko.

Kaizer? I blinked twice to see if it was really him and scanned if it wasn’t a dream. But then when I fluttered my eyes, my heart flew as I joggled in a competition. I was breathing pantingly.

“Hey, we’re here.” Aniya pang muli sa malalim at namamaos niyang boses.

Madilim ang paligid at hindi ko maaninag ang kaniyang mukha. But his voice was pretty clear in my ears like it was him calling me.

“K-Kaizer?” I muttered then my heartbeat race as I felt my chest tightened.

“I missed you, Mi Arcus…so damn fucking much.” He muttered raucously in my ears.

Naramdaman ko namang mag-init ang aking mga mata at manlabo ang aking paningin. Then I saw Kaizer slowly fading in my sight.

“Kaizer… Kaizer!” Paghagilap ko sa kaniya nang ang kaniyang imahe ay unti-unting maglaho na parang buhangin sa aking harapan.

Kaizer…no, don’t leave me. Kaizer…

“Neil! Neil wake up! Fuck, what is happening with you? Damn it, hey!”

Napamulat ako ng aking mga mata at malalim na napasinghap ng hangin na para bang kanina pa ako hindi huminga. Fuck. Humahangos akong tumingin kay Rhadmus na ngayon ay malamyos ang mga matang nakatingin sa akin.

Mabilis akong napayakap sa kaniya. Naramdaman kong ang mga mata ko ay puno ng luha. While I felt my face damp from the cascading tears that is continuously flowing down on my cheeks.

I felt Rhadmus’s huge arms wrapped me tight as I embrace him in so much frightened. My lips trembled as my shoulders drooped.

Kaizer… I can’t lose him. The only line that keeps on the reasoning why my eyes spurting in tears.

“Who the fuck is Kaizer? Damn, you’re quivering. Stop crying. It’s alright. Hush…everything is alright.” I heard Rhadmus mumbled hoarsely in so much worry as I burried my face on his chest.

Kabanata 10

Kabanata 10

Out

It was a dream. I fucking dreamt of Kaizer.

“You all right? Namumutla ka,” Enzo said worriedly to me as he handed me a glass of water.

Kinuha ko naman iyon at sumimsim ng tubig. Nakapasok na kami sa loob ng bahay. Nangangatog pa ang aking mga binti nang maglakad ako patungong living area. Rhadmus help me to walk even I keep on saying that I’m all right.

Nagulat pa ako nang makita ko si Nicks at Enzo na parehong nag-aalala sa akin nang bumaba ng hagdan para daluhan ako. Sabi ni Rhad na nag-alala raw siya kaya tinawagan niya ang dalawa kong kapatid.

We are now here in the living area of our house. Nakaupo ako sa sofa habang si Nics ay nakaupo rin sa aking tabi. Nakatayo naman si Enzo at si Rhadmus na nakapamewang pang nasa harapan ko at mataman akong pinagmamasdan. They all seem so worried to me.

“Ano bang nangyari Kuya Rhad?” Nics asked right after I put down my glass.

Nakatitig naman ang seryoso at nakakunot na noo ni Rhad sa akin nang sagutin niya ang tanong ng kapatid ko.

“He fell asleep. And I was checking on him from time to time nang makarating na kami sa labas ng subdivision. Then nagulat nalang ako he cried. His skin and lips were also pale… I get worried.” Pagkukuwento ni Rhad sa seryosong tono habang ang kaniyang mata ay nanatiling sa akin nakatutop.

Nag-iwas naman ako sa kaniya ng tingin. Naramdaman kong nakatitig silang tatlo sa akin ngayon at hindi ko maiwasang alalahanin ang napanagimpan ko. It was a matter of seconds. Mabilis lang iyon at hindi ako pwedeng magkamali na boses niya iyong narinig ko.

“Kaizer…he also keeps on mentioning that name as he cried nonstop.” Mayamaya ay dagdag pang ani Rhad na nagpaangat sa akin ng tingin sa kanila.

And when Enzo’s gaze met mine, I notice how his eyes widened a fraction. Napakurap naman ako. His lips line in grim as his jaw moved later on.

“Who the fuck is that?” Rhhadmus asked in hostile this time. Binalingan niya si Enzo sa kaniyang tabi ng may kuryoso at madilim na mga mata.

Nag-angat ako sa kaniya ng tingin at nakita ko ang nagsusumidhing kuryosidad sa kaniyang mga mata. Napalunok na lamang ako habang nananatili silang tatlo na pinapanood ang bawat galaw ko.

“He’s Neil’s cousin, Rhad.” Sagot ni Enzo sa tanong ng pinsan niya.

Hindi naman na ako umimik dahil masyado akong nagitla sa maikling panaginip na iyon. Hindi ko alam na nakatulog pala ako sa loob ng sasakyan ni Rhad habang nasa biyahe kami. Marahil ay masyado nga akong napagod sa araw na ito.

Kaya naman nang sinabi kong aakyat na ako sa aking silid para makapagpahinga na ay hinayaan na lamang nila akong tatlo. Hindi na ako nagtagal pa kasama sila dahil gusto ko na munang mapag-isa.

Sinundan pa ako ni Nics at nagpumilit na ihatid ako sa aking silid. Pumayag naman ako. Habang si Rhad at Enzo ay seryosong mga mata lang ang nakasunod sa akin paakyat ng hagdan. Ngunit bago pa ako makahakbang ng isang baitang paakyat ay napalingon ako kay Rhad na mabilis kong naramdamang nakaalalay sa aking braso.

“Let me help you upstairs, your legs are still trembling.” Dinig kong ani ng malalim at seryoso niyang boses sa aking tainga.

Nakaawang naman ang bibig kong pagod siyang tiningnan pabalik. He was staring at me gravely. His one hand was already holding my elbow while his other one snaked at my back as he guide me to walk upstairs. I blinked before I looked away. I let him help me dahil sa tingin ko ay wala namang masama ro’n.

Naramdaman kong marahan ang pagkakalapat ng kanang kamay niyang nakaantabay sa aking baywang. Habang ang kamay niya sa aking siko ay gano’n rin. May kung ano sa aking pakiramdam na hindi ko mawari dahil sa paraan niya ng paghawak sa akin.

It was the hold that I get used be claim before –with care like I’m a fragile thing…but with a different person. Kaizer.

Palihim ko nalang na inalis sa aking isipan ang paraan ng paghawak ni Rhad sa akin. I don’t want to think of him that way. He’s a man…my cousin as well. And I appreciate him for taking care of me this way.

“Thank you, goodnight,” My voice raucously said to him in exhaustion before I left him outside my room.

Binitawan naman niya ako at naninimbang ang mga mata niyang pinagmasdan ako bago ko tuluyang binuksan ang aking silid. Mahina at pagod akong bumuntonghininga nang tuluyan kong maisarado ang pintuan ng kwarto ko. I slowly sat on my bed as I glance at my hand when I felt it cold. I even massage my temple when I feel my head aches a bit.

I sighed. What is that dream earlier? Bakit parang binabagabag ako niyon hanggang ngayon? Ramdam ko rin ang mabilis na pagpintig ng aking puso sa hindi mapangalanang kaba.

Kaizer slowly fades in my sight as I cried because I lost him, that is what I dreamt of him. It feels like he’s saying that we are already here at our destination and yet he will be gone suddenly.

I let a heavy gust of sigh before I decided to stand up from my seat to get this off my head. I then shook my head to off this erigible thought in my skull. I go to the bathroom and took a quick bath and rain showered the cold water in my body. Hinayaan kong mahimasmasan at kumalma ang puso kong nangangamba sa kung anumang napanaginipan kong iyon.

Hindi na ako lumabas pa ng silid ko matapos kong magshower. I remain and stay in my bed as I still can’t forget how Kaizer’s husky voice called me a while ago in my dream. Of how much I can feel his greediness in the hope of seeing each other once again. He missed me, and I cannot deny how much I missed him as well. But we have already executed that part of us.

Marahil ay napanaginipan ko siya ng ilang segundo dahil sa naalala ko siya. Because of the idea in my mind that our situation was a bit similar to my father and mother’s condition in the past. Na hindi pwedeng magkatuluyan dahil kahit na kailan ay hindi magiging pwede. Na kailanman ay ipagbabawal dahil isang pagkakamali at gawa ng kasamaan.

Hanggang ngayon ay ramdam kong may parte na kulang sa pagkatao ko. Even I know now the truth behind my real identity as an adopted child. I can feel that there is still something is missing out. I don’t know what it is but I reckon that I will figure it out soon. I’m gonna figure it out for myself.

This night was bizarre and dreary for me. Nakatulugan ko ang sobrang pagod. At kinabukasan ay gumising na para bang may nakadagan sa aking likuran nang bumangon ako at maupo sa aking kama. Para bang may pasan akong mabigat at mabilis ang pintig ng aking puso.

Kahit na gano’n ang nararamdaman ko ay chineck ko na wala naman akong sakit. Kaya nagpatuloy ako sa pagbaba ng hagdan pagkalabas ko sa aking silid at naabutan ko si Enzo na may kausap sa kaniyang cellphone sa salas ng bahay.

Agad naman din niya iyong ibinaba nang matanaw niya akong pababa ng hagdan.

“Morning, kumain ka na ng breakfast. You didn’t eat last night.” Aniya nang maharap niya ako.

Tinanguan ko lang siya at saglit na pinagmasdan. Seryoso lang siyang nakatitig sa akin pero may kung anong kakaiba sa kaniyang mga titig sa akin ngayon. His eyes were serious but I can sense his surprise to see me right in front of him.

“May…problema ba Enzo?” Nakakunot ang noo kong tanong sa kaniya nang hindi ko maiwasang mapansin ang nag-aalala niyang mga mata.

Bigla naman siyang ngumisi sa akin na parang wala lang at saka ako inilingan. “Wala naman, halika samahan na kita sa dining. Nando’n na rin si Nics at nagbebreakfast.” He then said to me.

Nauna siyang maglakad sa akin patungong kusina at nagtataka ko lang siyang sinundan. Weird.

“Your car key was on the sideboard in the living room. Nakalimutang iabot sa’yo ni Rhadmus last night cuz you get upstairs earlier.” Enzo informed me as we start our breakfast.

I was putting my bacon on the slice of bread with lettuce and tomatoes when I lift my glance at him. “Where’s Papa? Nasabi niyang dito siya tutuloy kagabi.” I asked nang maalala kong dito nga pala tumuloy si Papa kagabi. Then I put a chicken spread on my sandwich.

“He went to his office early today. Hindi ka na niya nasabihan dahil tulog ka pa kanina.”

Hindi na ako nagtanong pa at tinapos na ang agahan ko. Pumasok ako ng school at gano’n din sila Enzo. And as the usual ay hindi kami nagkakasabay na dalawa ni Enzo sa University dahil hinahatid pa niya si Nics sa school nito. But this time was different. Dahil nagsabay kaming pumasok ngayon. May driver kaming naghatid kay Nicks gamit ang sasakyan niya. At si Enzo naman ay sumabay sa akin sa pagpasok.

Gusto ko man pagtakhan ang nangyayari ay hindi ko nalang din tinangka pa dahil ngayon nalang ulit kami nagkasabay ni Enzo.

“Kelan ka bibisita kila Tita Verity?” Enzo asked me while I parked my car at the school parking.

“Hindi ko pa alam. Bakit?” Ani ko dahil simula nang umalis ako sa amin ay hindi ko pa ulit nakakausap sila Mom.

I also miss them but I think giving them a call will only make me feel miss them more.

“Nothing, I just thought you’ll come and visit them this weekend.”

Pinatay ko naman na ang makina ng sasakyan bago ko binalingan si Enzo ng tingin sa passenger seat.

“Hindi, bibisita tayo kila Lola sa mansion this weekend ’di ba?” Tanong ko pa sa kaniya dahil iyon ang napagkasunduan namin.

Nagseryoso naman ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin ngayon. I unbuckle my seatbelt as I didn’t take off my sight on him. The sun has risen and the rays of it were hitting us greatly in the parking lot.

“You can go and visit them, Neil. If you miss them already it’s all right if you go to your house. Hapon pa naman tayo aalis patungong mansion sa Saturday, you can spend your morning time with them.” Enzo proferred to me.

I wanted to see them, kaya baka magpunta nga ako at bumisita kila Mom this Saturday lalo na at binigyan niya ako ng pagkakataon. Pumasok kaming pareho ni Enzo sa klase namin pagkatapos. Naghiwalay na kami sa hallway dahil magkaiba ang building na papasukan namin.

I finished my first class at gano’n din ang sumunod. Mabilis lang ang oras at nag-tanghali na rin pagkaraan. I received Enzo’s message for me dahil niyaya ko siyang sabay na kaming mag-lunch this break. Dahil nasabi niyang same schedule kami this morning at sabay ang lunchtime namin pareho.

Enzo:

See you in the parking lot. I don’t have my car so expect that you’ll give me a ride until the rest of the day.

I typed in my reply. Nasa hall ako ngayon at palabas na para tumungo ng parking lot. May iilang kaklase ko rin akong kasabay na maglakad kanina pero nagpaalam na rin ako agad na aalis na.

Ako:

Ikaw naman mag-drive mamaya. Saan tayo? Fast food?

Ibinaba ko ang phone ko after I hit the send button. Dumaan ako sa may shade ng mga puno nang makalabas ako sa hall dahil sa malakas na sikat ng araw. At nang matanaw ko ang grupo nila Kelsy sa isang bench near the grass field ay huminto ako.

They aren’t that far from my way cuz I notice Kelsy’s swelling eyes. Gano’n din sila Zandra at Ate Meaghan na mukhang namamaga ang mga mata. Mukha silang kanina pa umiiyak at naabutan ko pa sa posisyong magkayakap si Kelsy at Zandra.

Mabilis namang nangunot ang noo ko dahil maging sila Zach, Marcos, Ezi at Lucien ay seryoso at namamanglaw ang mga mata. They looked stressed and stoic at the same time.

And when Kelsy’s teary eyes met mine when he scooped away herself from Zandra’s embrace. I stiffened in my place. Do’n ko natitigan na namumula ang kaniyang mga mata at puno ng luha ang kaniyang mga pisngi.

My lips parted in worried automatically. What’s wrong? What happened? Why are they crying? Gusto ko silang lapitan ngunit hindi ko na rin nagawa.

Kelsy’s weary eyes immediately turn into hostility as she directed my way. Nakita kong mapatingin din si Zandra sa aking gawi na may namumulang ilong at pisngi na mukhang dahil din sa pag-iyak.

I saw Kelsy rolled her eyes on me as she wiped her tears away from her damp cheeks. Nakita ko pang may sabihin siya kila Lucien at kuhanin ang bag niya bago siya tumalikod at umalis. Mabilis namang sumunod sila Zach sa kaniya. Habang si Zandra ay naiwan at malungkot ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin.

“Zandra,” I mumbled softly even she cannot hear me because I want to ask her what happened.

But she just shook her head before she turn her back on me too. Naguguluhan man ako sa nakita ko sa kanila ngayon ay mariin nalang akong nag-tiim bagang. Pinagmasdan ko pa silang nakatalikod sa akin na naglalakad palayo bago ako nagpasiyang umalis na rin.

Tinungo ko ang parking lot ng may kuryosidad at pag-aalala para kila Kelsy. Because the last time I saw them cry that much is because of me and Kaizer. Seeing them this way again giving me a hunch that something is up to them.

Kaya naman nang makita ko sila na pasakay na sa kanilang mga sasakyan malapit lang din sa kotse ko sa parking lot ay tinakbo ko ang kanilang gawi. I really can feel and sense that there is something wrong and I need to know it.

“Zandra sandali!” Sigaw ko nang si Zandra nalang ang naabutan kong pasakay sa passenger seat ng sasakyan ni Ezi.

Huminto naman siya sa pagbukas ng pintuan ng passenger seat. And when I heard Kelsy’s scream, ay mas lalo akong nagmadali na makalapit sa gawi ni Zandra para pigilan siya sa pagpasok sa sasakyan.

“Zandra get in!” Kelsy exclaimed inside their car.

“Sandali lang! Anong problema? Is there something wrong?” Tanong ko kay Zandra at mabilis na hinuli ang kaniyang palapulsuhan.

Naluluha naman ang mga mata niya nang bumaling sa akin ng tingin. Napailing naman ako nang magulat at matigilan ako sa namamanglaw na ekspresyon ng kaniyang mga mata na tumunghay sa akin. My lips parted as I saw how her eyes filled in agony.

“W-What’s wrong?” I asked hoarsely when I get stunned to see how she looked right now.

Her nose was red while her eyes pooled with tears.

“Leave us alone, Neil. Please, just leave us,” She uttered with her trembled voice then pulled out her wrist from my hand that is obstructing her from getting inside their car.

“But-”

“Get in Zandra, we have to go.” I heard Ezekiel’s deep hostile voice said inside the car that halted my words.

Ilang segundo pa kaming mariin na nagkatitigan ni Zandra bago niya ako tuluyang tinalikuran at sinarado ang pintuan ng kanilang sasakyan. Hindi rin nagtagal ay umandar at umalis na ang kanilang mga sasakyan at naiwan akong nakasunod ang tingin sa kanila paalis ng parking lot.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin at marahang kinalma ang sarili. Kahit pa anong gawin kong paglapit sa kanila ay dapat ko na sigurong asahan na wala na akong dapat pang asahan. Ako ang sumira sa tiwala nila sa akin. Kaya dapat lang na tanggapin ko na magmula ngayon na wala na sila sa akin.

Mag-isa akong nakatayo ngayon sa parking lot na pinagparadahan nila ng sasakyan habang tirik ang araw. Nilingon ko ang gawi ng kotse ko at natanaw ko si Enzo na may seryosong mga matang nakamasid sa akin mula roon.

Nakita niya. He now witnesses how my cousins leave me. He saw how despicable I am now, forcing myself to catch up with them despite my cousin’s pushing me away.

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at tahimik lang na tinungo ang gawi ng aking sasakyan. Ramdam ko ang seryosong mga tingin ni Enzo sa akin nang pinatunog ko ang aking sasakyan. But what makes me more feel woeful is when I saw his pitiful eyes glaring at me.

His glares weren’t just because of my cousin but it dwells more in sympathy that I can’t get to know if what is the matter. Enzo’s glares were the same as Zandra’s deep stare on me earlier. At hindi ko maiwasang pagtakhan iyon lalo na at kanina pa may kakaiba kay Enzo.

“Give me the keys, let me do the drive.” Enzo asserted to me gravely as he hand over me his hand.

Saglit ko pa siyang tinitigan at tinimbang ang mga titig nito sa akin. At kalaunan ay ibinigay ko rin sa kaniya ang susi matapos ko siyang titigan ng ilang saglit saka ako naunang pumasok sa loob ng sasakyan.

Bakit parang kagabi pa may nagsasabi ng linya na iyan? Fuck, I can hand over them my keys but why do I find their ’keys meaningful at the back of my mind?

Because I’m thinking of him…

Tahimik lang ako buong lunch namin ni Enzo. Magsasalita lang ako tuwing may itatanong siya sa akin. Napansin ko pa na ang lahat ng sinasabi niya ay masyadong maingat. He was specific to his words but there is something in me that has a suspicion like he’s diverting me.

Nang maghapong iyon ay wala ako sa aking sarili. Naglalakbay ang aking isipan sa mga nangyayari. Tinapos ko ang huli kong klase at umuwi na rin ng bahay pagkaraan.

I wasn’t in the mood. And I feel down even I wanted to lift myself. Pakiramdam ko ay may kakaibang bagay na humihila sa akin at pilit akong ibinabalik sa napanaginipan ko kagabi. And there is also part of me that sincerely concern if why are my cousins seems so weary today.

Nahirapan ako sa pagtulog nang gabing iyon. Hindi matanggal tanggal sa isipan ko ang pag-aalala at ang pakiramdam na may bumabagabag sa aking kaloob-looban. Nakailang tagilid at baling na ako sa aking kama pero hindi pa rin talaga ako dinadalaw ng antok.

Kaya naman lumabas ako ng kuwarto ko para tumungo ng kusina at uminom ng tubig. I was holding at the railing of the stairs as I went down when I heard Enzo’s voice downstairs. Madilim na ang living area at patay na rin ang mga ilaw sa pangalawang palapag ng bahay. Nics is also sleeping at this hour because it’s midnight already.

Huminto ako sa paghakbang pababa ng hagdan nang mabosesan kong si Enzo nga iyong naririnig kong nagsasalita sa living area ng bahay. His voice was in a low tone, almost whispering with his large deep voice.

“Hindi pa po. I’m not sure if he’ll go there on Saturday. Yeah. I didn’t tell him. Okay po,” I heard him muttered.

Tell him what? Nangunot ang noo ko sa sinabi ni Enzo. Who is he talking with over the phone?

Pumanhik ako paakyat ng hagdan at bumalik nalang muli ng silid ko. Hindi na ako tumuloy patungong kusina dahil naging ukupado na naman ang aking isipan. Alam kong may mali. Nararamdaman kong may problema pero bakit parang walang nagsasabi sa akin?

Halos pasikat na rin ang araw nang makatulog ako. Ilang oras lang ang naging tulog ko dahil kinailangan ko na muling gumising para pumasok. Tahimik ako nang magbreakfast ako Kasama sila Nics at Enzo.

Naramdaman ko naman ang paninitig ng dalawa sa akin na hindi ko binigyan ng pansin. I went to my car after our breakfast. Tutungo na akong school at gano’n din si Enzo na sa akin muli sasabay.

He insists to drive the car instead of me this time. I didn’t decline his idea. Dahil aniya ay ako naman daw sa pag-uwi. Diretso lang ang tingin ko sa daan habang napapansin ko naman ang pasulyap sulyap sa akin ni Enzo habang siya ay nagmamaneho.

Nagtiim-bagang ako. Ano bang problema? I fisted my jaw when he parked the car at the school parking lot. Then when he off the engine, I hurriedly unbuckle my seatbelt to face his way. Kakatanggal lang rin niya nang kaniyang seatbelt nang mag-angat siya sa akin ng tingin. Bahagya pa siyang natigilan.

“May gusto ka bang sabihin sa akin Enzo? Kahapon pa kita napapansin. It’s not your usual, hindi ka naman sumasabay sa akin kapag pumapasok. At hanggang ngayon ay bakit magkamukha pa rin ang schedule ng klase natin? Don’t tell me it’s just a coincidence. Sabihin mo nga sa akin, what is it? May problema ba?” I inquired on him in appall.

He licked his lips at nag-iwas sa akin ng tingin. I gritted my teeth more when he appears avoiding my question. There is really something up.

“I heard you last night.” Ani ko sa mariin na tono para ibalik niyang muli sa akin ang atensyon ng kaniyang mga mata.

Nakita ko namang matigilan siya sa sinabi ko at mabilis na napaangat sa akin muli ng tingin. Ang seryoso niyang mga mata ay ngayo’y puno na ng pag-aalalang nakatunghay sa akin. Pinanliitan ko siya ng tingin. Hindi siya nagsalita.

“Are you talking to my Mom last night? And what is it that you haven’t told me?” I asked him vigilantly this time.

“Neil-”

“Enzo tell me! May kailangan ba akong malaman? Kasi ako, kahapon pa ako nagtataka. You saw me here in the parking lot yesterday nang iwanan ako nila Zandra. I approached them because I’m worried when I saw their eyes swell in so much tears. And you didn’t even say anything about it. May alam ka ba sa mga nangyayari?” I confronted him.

I saw how his jaw clenched tightly as his eyes narrowed on the dashboard. He didn’t blink. Mukha siyang natigilan sa sinabi ko. I saw his Adam’s apple moved as he gulped hard.

“I shouldn’t be the one telling you about it Neil. Your Mom will tell you about this matter-” I opt to cut him off when he can’t even take a glance at me while saying this.

“Then fucking tell it straight on my face now, Enzo. Kahapon pa ako nangangapa sa mga nangyayari. My cousins are ignoring and avoiding me. May alam ka ba sa mga nangyayari? Please, just fucking tell me if what is up!” I exclaimed when I get frustrated about what is happening.

Hinarap naman niya ako nang may namamanglaw na mga tingin at naaawang mga mata. Tangina, bakit kahapon pa siya ganiyan kung tumingin sa akin? Am I that pitiful for him to glance at me that way?

Tinitigan ko siya ngayon nang mas mariin. “Tell me Enzo, please.” I plead this time. Dahil nararamdaman kong hindi maganda ang nalalaman niya.

“Please calm down after I say it to you. Promise me.” Enzo ascertained on me like he’s scared of what I can do about it after he divulged it.

I twitched my lips and nod my head at him so he can tell me what’s the matter right away. His serious eyes were all on me now. I can even notice how his jaw clenched before he parted his lips to utter.

“He got rushed into the hospital. He’s unstable, Neil.” Enzo divulged grimly.

Nangunot naman ang noo ko sa kaniya. “Sino?” Natitigilan kong tanong sa kaniya dahil wala akong ideya kung sino ang kaniyang tinutukoy.

Mas rumiin naman ang kaniyang mga titig sa akin sa pagkakataong ito na hinarap ako.

“Kaizer… Kaizer is in the hospital now. Unstable and remain unconscious.”

Awtomatiko namang napaawang ang aking nakalinyang bibig at unti-unting namilog ang aking mga mata na kanina ay mariin na nakatitig sa kaniya. No, he must be saying it wrong…

“E-Enzo, how sure are you about this?” Tanong ko sa kaniya sa mababang tono. Nagugulantang.

I lowered my voice when I felt my lips began to shift in a tremble. My eyes flutter as I glance at him while I felt a huge stone stuck in my throat.

“He really is in the hospital, Neil. Your Mom tell me about it that’s why I’m asking you kung kelan ka bibisita sa kanila. I don’t know what happen pero ’yon lang ang sinabi ni Tita Verity sa akin.”

Napababa ako ng tingin sa sinabi niya. “H-How was him? H-He’ll get better right?” My voice began to stutter this time.

Naramdaman kong bumilis ang pintig ng tibok ng puso ko. Naglikot ang aking paningin at hindi ko magawang maituwid ang tingin. My lips parted as I felt my chest thumped wildly. May mabigat na bagay na dumadagan sa dibdib ko nang sabihin niya iyon sa akin.

“I’m sorry but I can’t answer you in definite. Go back to your house. Tita Verity and Tito Jessiah will tell you everything. They are waiting for you, that’s for sure.”

Lumabas ako ng sasakyan ko at tinungo ang pang-unang klase ko ng wala sa sarili. After Enzo told me about it, I feel hollow. Kaya ba gano’n nalang ang pamumula at pamamaga ng mga mata nila Kelsy kahapon? Is that their reason why they all looked forlorn?

Nag-aalala ako. I’m extensively worried about his situation right now. His unstable and unconscious. What happened to him? Bakit siya sinugod sa hospital?

I wanted to know what happened. Pakiramdam ko ay nanlamig ang buo kong katawan simula pa kanina nang sinabi sa akin ni Enzo iyon. I dreamt of him the other night. I dreamt of him slowly fading in my sight.

This isn’t real. He may be just going to the hospital because he’s just injured or something. His situation can’t be worst. Because I don’t know what will I gonna do if his condition is lethal.

Sinikap kong matapos ang pang-umagang klase ko. Kahit pa nanlulumo ako at gustong gusto nang umuwi sa amin para makausap sila Mom at Dad tungkol sa nangyari kay Kaizer. Si Enzo naman ay panay din ang text sa akin na hindi ko na rin na-replyan dahil okupado ang isip ko para kay Kaizer.

Patungo akong canteen para do’n nalamang mag-lunch ngayon dahil dalawang klase pa ang meron ako sa panghapon. Kakalabas ko lang ng comfort room galing locker room nang madaanan ko sila Kelsy sa corridor pababa ng hagdanan.

Nakita naman ako ni Lucien na seryosong napabaling sa akin ng tingin. I gritted my jaw when he just looked away like he didn’t notice me.

Walang tao sa corridors ngayon at pababa na rin ako ng hagdan kasabay sila. Tahimik lang akong bumaba at hindi na sila binalingan ng tingin.

They’re ignoring me. Ayos lang sana na hindi nila ako kausapin pero yung hindi nila sa akin sabihin ang tungkol sa sitwasyon ni Kaizer. ’Yon ang nakapagpa-badtrip sa akin. I know that they want me gone to their lives now. Kaya nila nagagawa sa aking ilihim ang mga nangyayari sa pamilya.

“Kelsy!” Pagtawag ko sa kaniya sa malamig na tono nang makababa kami malapit sa field.

Hindi naman nila ako nilingon. Nagtuloy tuloy lang sila sa paglalakad at patuloy akong iniignora. Hindi naman ako tumigil sa pagtawag sa kanila. I want to hear from them what happened to Kaizer. Dahil hindi na ako makakapaghintay pa na umuwi ng bahay para malaman ang nangyari.

“Anong nangyari kay Kaizer? Tell me what happened to him!” I boomed loudly as they continuously ignoring me.

Nakita ko naman silang matigilan sa naging pagsigaw ko. Wala si Ezi, Marcos at Ate Meaghan ngayon. Tanging si Zandra, Lucien, Zachary at Kelsy lang ang narito sa harapan ko. I glared at them darkly. Habang pinagmamasdan ko kung paano sila tumingin sa akin na punong puno ng hinagpis at poot ang kanilang mga mata. Namumugto ang mga mata ni Kelsy na ngayon ko lang nakuha ang dahilan.

“You don’t deserve to know what happened to Kaizer. You’re out of the family, Neil. Kaya huwag kang umasta na may karapatan kang malaman ang nangyari.” Ani Kelsy sa malamig at matalim na boses.

Parang may kumurot naman sa puso ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Matalim ang mga mata niyang naluluha akong tinitingnan ngayon. Malalim akong napalunok.

“Kelsy…” I muttered her name in disbelief at what she just said to me.

Marahan naman akong inilingan ni Zach sa dismayadong paraan habang ang kaniyang mga mata ay nanlilisik akong tinitingnan.

“You shouldn’t meddle with our life anymore. You’re totally out of it, you must remember that from now on.” Zach’s cruel words stabbed me big time.

What the hell.

Kabanata 11

Kabanata 11

Fade

“I want to know what happened to Kaiz-”

Natigilan ako sa sasabihin ko nang bigla akong kuwelyohan ni Zach. Matalim at gigil na gigil ang kaniyang madilim na mga matang nakatitig sa akin ngayon. Narininig ko namang mapasinghap si Zandra sa likuran niya.

“Bingi ka ba? O sadyang tanga ka lang na hindi mo maintindihan ang sinasabi ko?” Zach burst in a furious tone.

I gripped his hands that are holding up the neck of my shirt tightly. I tried pulling it away despite his tough hold on it. I narrowed my eyes on him as I equaled his vicious glares on me. His eyes were in rage while his lips twitched in rampant.

“Zach, I only want to know what happened to Kaizer! I don’t really mind if you say that I shouldn’t care about it at all. I’m still his cousin! And just like all of you I’m also worried for him!” I thundered on him aggressively even his tight grip on my neck is suffocating me.

Gusto ko lang namang malaman kung ano ang nangyari kay Kaizer. I want to know an update. I need to know his situation at the moment. But why the hell did they take that away from me?

I’m also his cousin. Naging pinsan ko rin siya. Pero bakit ngayon ay nagagawa na nilang itsuperahin ako sa lahat ng mga ng nangyayari? I also deserve to know what is really happened.

“Ang kapal naman ng mukha mong sabihing pinsan ka niya when the fact that you loved him out of the line. Crossing at the boundaries consciously at ngayon may karapatan ka pang sabihing kailangan mong malaman ang nangyari sa kaniya?! Huh! You don’t deserve it!” It was Kelsy’s voice behind Zach.

Tinulak ko naman si Zach para harapin ang sinabi ni Kelsy. Hindi naman ako nabigo at nakawala ako mula sa pagkakakuwelyo sa akin. Napaatras si Zach dahil sa ginawa ko at saka ko sila hinarap na lahat. Their narrowed eyes showed on me. I am breathing pantingly as I gritted my teeth aggressively. They are being too much!

“Yes! I loved him more than anything else! I do love him even crossing the other side of the deep blue sea and diving what’s beyond everything, I will! But what the fuck Kelsy! We completely sail each other free because we are keen that family matters most! Tapos ngayon isusumbat ninyo sa akin na wala akong karapatan na malaman ang nangyari sa kaniya? Bakit? Kayo lang ba ’yung nag-aalala? Darn it!” I cursed under my gust after that intuitive flare.

I was snatching my breath after I said that. My chest tightened in so much resentment for what is happening between all of us. Namumula ang mga mata ni Kelsy na matalim akong tinitingnan ngayon dahil sa sinabi ko. While Zach’s glares are already killing me. Umiiyak naman na si Zandra sa tabi ni Lucien na seryoso at nakatiim-bagang lang sa mga nangyayari.

“Bakit pa? You are worried because you’re still into him? I know you are! So will you stop over it? And stop me for freaking sake! Don’t employ to us your reason that you’re still his cousin! Dahil hindi naman talaga! Hindi kailaman!” Kelsy hit me like thunder.

Natigilan ako ron pero hindi ako nagpahalata na nasaktan sa sinabi niya. Nagtiim bagang lang ako at mataman silang tiningnan ng tuwid sa mga mata. Right. Kelsy must be right. That I’m worried not just in the position of being his cousin. I’m deeply concerned for him more than just his relative.

But they’re just always pulling their ace of cards on me. That I still can’t get over him. That my reason for everything I am doing is because of my ungrateful love for Kaizer. They always conclude it in an irrational way that considering my real feelings isn’t their business. They think the worst of me. They think of me as a voracious person. That’s it.

“Kelsy, please. Sabihin niyo sa akin kung anong nangyari kay Kaizer.” Bagsak ang balikat kong ani sa kanila ngayon.

Ang kaninang naging agresibo kong mga mata ay napalitan ng lungkot at pagsusumamong sabihin nila sa akin ang totoo. Dahil base pa lang sa naging reaksyon nila, nakikita kong hindi lang simple ang kondisyon na kinahaharap ni Kaizer.

And messing up with them multiple times for the same reason is making me emotionally exhausted. It’s so ungrateful and unfortunate of me to even try my best to gain them back. And I will never do it again. I’m tired of it.

“L-Let’s tell him the truth Kelsy. He needs to know-”

“Zandra hindi pwede! He’s out of the family-”

“But he still has to know about Kaizer’s situation, Kelsy!” It was Lucien’s deep serious voice who abruptly intervenes.

Seryoso at malalim ang mga mata ni Lucien nang binalingan ako. Kita ko ang awa sa kaniyang mga mata para sa akin. Si Zandra naman ay pinunasan ang luhang rumagasa sa kaniyang pisngi ng subukang lapitan ako. Ngunit mabilis siyang hinila ni Kelsy para pigilan sa paglapit.

“Zandra I said stop!”

“You shut up, Kelsy! Sumusobra na tayo kay Neil! He deserves to know what happened! Kaya huwag mo akong pigilan-”

“Then I’ll tell him the truth! Is that what he wants to hear? Then I give him that. But let me say this one time…” Kelsy pause her words and glance at me with her gravel sharp eyes. “After this, you will leave us alone. Because I don’t want to see your face. I don’t want to see you around us ever…again.” Kelsy struck hard on me.

Matalim ang kaniyang mga tingin sa akin at ang kaniyang mga salita ay masyadong malalim ang dinudulot na sugat sa akin.

She pulled Zandra’s hand and stand right in front of me. Namumula at wasak na wasak ang mga mata niyang mariin akong hinarap ni Kelsy. Ramdam ko kung gaano rin siya nasasaktan sa mga nangyayari but her eyes were mostly blinded by wrath. She’s always in her full rage when it’s me standing in front of her.

Hinarap niya ako nang may mariin at naluluhang namumulang mga mata. Ang kaniyang bahagyang maputlang manipis na labi ay mariing nakatiim bago siya tuluyang nagsalita.

“Kaizer is sick. He was devastated and it’s all happened because of you! He gets into a car accident. Delikado ang lagay niya since yesterday. He remains unconscious and up until now, his body is not responding. At alam mo pa ang mas nakakatakot? Pwede siyang mamatay sa lala ng tinamo niya. His life was at stake. He’s injured…more than what you can imagine,” Kelsy stated in a sternly blaming point.

Natigilan naman ako. I froze. My eyes widened a fraction because of what she just stated. My lips parted in shock as I felt my chest tightened to what she just said. Kaizer is what…

No. This is not serious.

“What now? Cannot you believe it? Huh?! It all happened to him because of you, Neil! He will die just because of your stupid crap pity love for each other!” Kelsy barked in an outburst this time. Her chest moved in heave while her eyes were full of tears as she glares at me brutally.

Napaatras naman ako at naramdamang panghinaan ng binti. Nanginig ang mga tuhod ko habang pinuproseso kung anong nangyari kay Kaizer.

Hindi…hindi ’to totoo.

Marahan akong umiling sa kanila. Still unbelting to what Kelsy said. I then felt the lone hot tear pooled in my eyes slowly as I lift my gaze back to them.

“Y-You must be kidding me-” my words got cut off when Zack punched me in the face making my line diminished in no time.

My head tilts. I felt my jaw afflated by his vital hit. Naramdaman ko namang mabilis akong nilapitan ni Zandra na patuloy sa pagluha. Dinaluhan niya ako at humarang sa pagitan namin dalawa ni Zach.

“Zachary! Tumigil ka na! Stop hurting him! Hindi niyo ba nakikita na nasasaktan din si Neil dahil sa nangyari kay Kaizer?! Stop being so unfair to him!” Zandra slammed on them.

Walang buhay at nanlulumo ko namang binalik kay Zach ang paningin ko. His arms were captured by Lucien stopping him from getting near me, so he can’t hit me again. Nakatayo naman si Zandra sa harapan ko at ramdam ko ang kaniyang panginginig sa takot.

“Unfair? Huh, kami pa ngayon ang unfair sa kaniya Zandra? I can’t believe you!” Kelsy blasted on her in so much despise.

“Oo! So stop nagging him about Kaizer’s situation! Dahil wala naman ni isa sa atin ang may kasalanan no’n! And no one wants it to happen! It’s an accident! Kaya please lang, stop putting all the blame on Neil.” Zandra lamented in her pleading tone.

Napakurap ako at ang kaninang luhang namuo sa aking mata ay tuluyang nahulog. I’m speechless. Hearing about Kaizer’s condition bewilder me. It’s knocking out my senses and my feet suddenly rooted to where I am standing right now. I didn’t move…cuz everything became rigid.

My mouth remained parted in shock as I found myself anxious about what is happening with us. Kelsy is in her full rage and resentment while Zach is in his ruthless state. I can also feel how tensed Lucien was in front of me. He wasn’t saying anything but I can feel that he’s also in the grudge. He just didn’t let his buttons down and drown him.

“Nothing can change my perception about this. Kaizer’s one foot is in the grave and it’s because of him. I will never forgive you, Neil. We are all over.” Kelsy remarked as she began to wipe her tears away from her damp cheeks.

Nanunuot sa bawat laman ko ang mariing huling titig sa akin ni Kelsy bago niya ako tinalikuran at umalis. Si Lucien naman ay dismayadong napailing sa akin bago niya kami tuluyang iwanan at naglakad paalis. Napakuyom ako ng kamao.

Zandra faced me as well and apologetically glanced at me before she also wiped her tears away. She then shooked her head on me.

“I’m sorry,” she mewled almost in a breath then walk away later on.

Napakurap kurap ako sa sakit na nararamdaman ngayon. She walked out in a different direction. Gano’n din sila Kelsy at Lucien. Pakiramdam ko ay tinutusok ang puso ko sa sakit. Ang makitang maghiwa-hiwalay ang mga pinsan ko ng dahil lang sa akin ay mas lalong nagpabigat sa nararamdaman ko.

I let a heavy breath as I turn my fist into a core. Darn it! I gritted my teeth while the back of my eyes began to heat in tears again.

Fuck, now I ruined everything.

“Neil-”

“What now Zach? Are you gonna hit me again because I made another terrible mistake? Go on! Fucking hit me! Goddamn it!” I blast frustratingly.

Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luhang nangilid sa aking mata at mataman kong tiningnan si Zach pabalik na nag-uumigting ang panga. Galit ang kaniyang mga mata habang ang kaniyang labi ay mariing nakatikom.

He didn’t say a thing this time. He remained glaring at me gravely as he watched me being anxious.

Kaizer…in a car accident. Is that the reason why I get to dreamt of him? Because he caught in an accident? Is that why I feel something burden to me the whole day? He’s in catastrophe. Thinking his condition right now making me ill to just blame myself about it.

Kelsy is only accusing the right person. I know Kaizer. He did things uncontrollably and impulsively. Our breakup might do good to me but not to him. And the hell I am to assume that everything will be fine after all we get over it.

I’m such a doom. Kaizer is in the hospital now fighting for his life. I can’t imagine how things could be hard if once my dream became into reality.

Kaizer…slowly fading away in the dust.

Mariin kong pinawi ang luha kong kanina pa patuloy sa pagragasa sa aking pisngi. Nandito ako ngayon sa loob ng aking silid. Dumiretso agad ako ng condo pagkatapos ng nangyari. Nakausap ko na rin si Mommy at Daddy tungkol sa nalaman ko sa kalagayan ni Kaizer.

They are a bit surprised when they see me entered the house. I was done crying on the road while driving home and now I’m sure that my face looked tragic. Agad akong sinalubong ni Mom nang makita niya ako sa gano’ng sitwasyon. Si Dad naman ay saktong nasa bahay kanina nang dumating ako.

Russco is in his school. Kaya nang makita nila Mom at Dad ang walang buhay kong ekspresyon ay alam na agad nila ang pinunta ko. Gusto kong umiyak. Gusto kong umalis at puntahan si Kaizer abroad pero hindi pwede.

“Anong lagay niya ngayon, Mom? N-Nakausap ko sila Kelsy kanina.” Tanong ko habang ang traydor kong mga mata ay nakatuon sa sahig dahil nararamdaman kong anumang oras ay luluha na naman ako.

Mom and Dad were silent after my inquiry. Nag-aalala pang lumingon si Mom kay Dad bago ako nito nagawang sagutin.

“He will get better, Neil.” Mom answered differently.

I gritted my jaw. My heart sting as I can’t find my words to say. Naninikip ang aking dibdib sa labis na pighating nararamdaman ngayon. Why can’t they say it to me directly? Malala ba? Gano’n ba kasama ang nangyari kay Kaizer para hindi sabihin sa akin nila Mom ang kalagayan niya?

Ilang saglit kaming nagkatitigan nila Mom at ramdam kong pinapakiramdaman lang nila ako. And when I can’t stay silent anymore, I spoke up even my voice stutter in frighten.

“M-Mom, paano kapag may nangyaring masama-”

“Magiging maayos si Kaizer, anak. Manalig lang tayo. You know Kaizer deeply right? Kelan ba ’yon sumuko? He’ll be fine,” Mom immediately wrapped me with her comforting arms as she assured me that.

Hindi ko naman na napigilang pumatak ang mainit kong luha na mula sa takot at pangambang baka tuluyang mawala sa amin si Kaizer. I know that what’s in between us dies down. But I know deep in myself that it is not. There’s still.

Hindi ko maiwasang maging emosyonal habang nakatitig ako sa kawalan. Kaizer is still in the hospital for days now. He undergoes surgeries and operations. Ang kaniyang ulo ang pinaka-naapektuhan sa aksidente. At hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin daw siya nagigising at nagkakamalay.

They tell me the story. Dad said that Kaizer went out with his friend at a party. And then the night came and they receive a call that Kaizer get into a tremendous accident. Malaki ang nakasalpukan nitong truck kaya gano’n na lang katindi ang naging kalagayan niya. He was also drunk that night. Everything was mixed up and he’d gotten to this.

Kelsy is blaming me for what happened. Iniisip niyang ako ang dahilan kung bakit naaksidente si Kaizer. And I feel torn as well as guilty about it. Dahil ayaw ko mang isipin na ako ay may parte sa loob kong baka ako nga.

Naghiwalay kami ni Kaizer sa airport na sinusubukang maging angkop ang lahat sa tama. Mabigat man sa loob kong makita siyang umalis ay ’yon ang nararapat. At naniwala at umaaasa akong may panibagong buhay kaming haharapin pagkatapos niyon.

Magkaibang landas na ipinangakong hindi dapat kaming magtagpo pang muli. We’re not meant to be with each other’s fortress. We broke up for the chance and belief na maitatama pa namin ang aming mga pagkakamali.

And now that this is happening to him, everything just crashes. I feel that the small hope in me slowly vanished despite the tend I’m wishing for him to get better.

He’s comatose. After weeks of being unconscious, he was diagnosed as comatose. Nanatili ako sa bahay nila Mom at Dad nang halos isang buwan para lang lagi akong naa-update sa mga nangyayari sa kaniya.

Puno ako ng pangamba sa sarili ng mga panahon na iyon. Dahil hindi ko lubos akalain na aabot sa gano’ng punto ang kalagayan niya. Natatakot ako. Dahil ang lahat ng nangyayari ay hindi na namin kontrolado ngayon. His life is at stake. And that is over under our control anymore.

Sa bawat gabi na nagdadaan, I always looked up at the ceiling of my room where I used to stare with him before. Sa bawat pagdilat ng talukap ng aking mga mata ay wala akong ibang iniisip kun’di siya. At sa bawat paghakbang ko papasok ng elevator pababa sa parking ng unit at tanging siya lang din ang naaalala ko.

My mind in the whole month was all made up of remembering and visualizing him being with me. It was crazy but that’s what happened. After I knew that Kaizer is comatose, everything fades. Everything in my eyes seems to vanish into dust and fade later on.

Because there is no certainty in his condition this time. I heard Tito Eleazar’s voice over the laptop as he Skyped Dad and Mom at the living area last time. Tatlong linggo na mahigit simula nang ma-hospital si Kaizer no’n. Hindi ako humarap sa camera dahil natatakot akong makita si Tito Eleazar at Tita Audrina.

Kaya tahimik lang akong nakaupo sa isang stool sa mini-island bar ng bahay malapit sa salas at nakikinig mula sa malayo sa usapan nila.

“The doctor is being honest with us. They say that there is a huge possibility that he might lose his memories by the time he woke up.” I familiarized Tito Eleazar’s deep large voice.

Nanigas naman ako sa kinauupuan ko matapos ko iyong marinig. Naramdaman ko rin ang parehong nag-aalalang mga tingin ni Mom at Dad sa akin nang balingan nila ako ng sabay. Nakatingin lang ako sa sahig at hindi umiimik.

I even heard Ate Meaghan’s sobbed after Tito Eleazar spoke. Nasabi rin nilang hindi pa nila alam kung kailan magigising si Kaizer. Hindi ko na nagawa pang tapusin ang pakikinig sa kanila nang mga oras na iyon.

Agad kong tinungo ang kwarto ko at padarag na isinara ang pinto. I punched the wall one time as I lean my forehead in so much pain. I shut my eyes tightly with my heart slam in grief.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!!

Mabigat ang loob ko at parang pinipiga ang puso ko nang sinuntok kong muli ng malakas at maraming beses ang pader nang hindi ko na makayanan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. My bare knuckles bleed at hindi ko halos maramdaman ang sakit do’n.

I feel my hand numb but not my heart who grapple in agony.  I felt my hot tears pooled in my eyes.

Mariin akong nag-tiim bagang habang ang mga mata ko ay nanlalabong matalim na nakatingin sa sahig. Mabigat ang dibdib ko na para bang may malaking bato na nakadagan sa puso ko.

Si Kaizer…makakalimutan ako.

His memories…hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan lang ang maaalala niya sa oras na magising siya. And it fucking hurts to admit that I’m scared that he might forget the part where our ferocious love was made.

Hindi ko ata makakaya na makita siyang hindi ako kilala. Nakakapanghina ng loob at mas lalong pinapatay ang puso ko sa ideyang tuluyan na ata akong mabubura sa buhay niya.

Sa isang buwan na pananatili ko kasama sila Mom ay sa school at kwarto ko lang ang tinutunguhan ko. Nakapagpaalam naman na ako kila Papa at Enzo tungkol sa plano kong gawin na dito na muna ulit ako tumira sa kanila at umuwi na lamang ng mansion sa summer vacation.

Nakausap ko naman sila Enzo tungkol do’n at hindi naman nila ako kinwestyon pa dahil alam nila kung ano ang dahilan ko. Nahirapan ako and at most of the time, I am out of my consciousness. I’m always left dumbfounded sa tuwing maaalala ko si Kaizer.

Tulala ako at palaging walang imik sa lahat. Kahit si Russco ay hindi ko rin nakakausap dahil hindi niya pa rin ako pinapansin magpasahanggang ngayon. Hindi ko rin magawang kausapin siya dahil madalas akong mag-isa at magkulong lang sa aking kwarto pag-uwi galing school. O di kaya naman ay mag-tungo sa gym ng alas dose imedya ng gabi.

It’s weird but I merely tried to divert my despair. Pero kahit na ano pa man ang gawin ko ay hindi ko pa rin magawa. Dahil sa lahat ng bagay na ginagawa ko ay si Kaizer ang naaalala ko. Walang oras o kahit minuto na hindi siya nawala sa isipan ko.

At ang takot kong makakalimutan niya ako ang mas lalong nagpabagabag sa akin. Palagi akong umiiyak tuwing gabi sa loob ng kuwarto ko habang nakatitig sa puting kisame na madalas naming tingalaing pareho. Palagi akong tulala at parang wala sa sarili sa loob ng isang buwan na iyon.

At kahit pa anong gawin kong pag-divert sa mga nararamdaman ko ay sa huli ay uuwi akong muli sa loob ng kuwarto ko at magmumukmok. Masakit, parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa posibilidad na hindi na ako kabilang sa mundo niya… Sa mundo nila.

“You will be finally out of his memory! Mabuti nga iyon para makalimutan na niya ang lahat ng kababuyan niyong pinagsaluhan noon!” Sigaw sa akin ni Kelsy isang araw nang magtungo ako sa kanila para sunduin si Russco dahil nag-sleep over sila kila Zach.

Hindi ko inasahan na aabot kami sa punto na magkakasagutan kaming muli.

“Kelsy! How can you say that?! We all know that it’s so unfortunate for us na mangyari ’yan kay Kaizer!” It was Zandra’s dreadful voice who asked her in shock.

Napatiimbagang nalang ako habang tuwid na nakatayo sa harapan nilang lahat. Pinapunta ko na si Russco sa loob ng sasakyan habang ako naman ay naiwan sa salas ng bahay nila dahil alam ko ng mangyayari ito.

Ngayon na lang kami ulit nagkaharap harap simula nung huli naming naging pag-uusap. They are all standing in front of me while I remain lifeless and weary as I glared at them back. Wala sila Tito Zavian at Tita Kailey sa bahay. At wala rin akong lakas ng loob o gana man lang para sumbatan sila dahil pagod na ang utak at puso ko.

“Bakit? Mabuti ng mawala ang alaala ni Kaizer kesa naman siya ang mawala sa atin. And it would be a huge favor kung ang makakalimutan niya ay yung parteng si Neil ng buhay niya!”

“Kelsy!” Zach and Marcos voices slammed as they thundered their voices in unison.

“Dapat noon pa lang nalaman mo ng ampon ka! Dapat noon pa lang nawala ka na sa buhay namin! Because you know why? You’re the parasite that ruins the perfect foundation of our family! I feel so thankless that you came into this family! Your such a disgrace homoperson!” Nanggagalaiting sinabi ni Kelsy sa akin. Namumula ang kaniyang mga mata sa luha habang matalim na parang punyal na sumasaksak sa akin ang kaniyang dalawang mata.

Walang buhay naman ang mga mata kong tiningnan lang siya pabalik habang nagpupuyos sa galit. While Marcos and Zach looked so scorn to what Kelsy just burst.

Mapait akong napangiti sa kanilang lahat.

“Mas mabuti pa nga sigurong makalimutan na niya ako. That way, wala na kayong ituturing na nobody. And that way, your life…and his life will be more fascinating. Erasing me in your lives now will be that simple, cuz you can now start living your life as if we never meet. And I’m sorry… I’m sorry if I stayed too long in your family. But I want you to know that I never intend to parasite your family. Huwag kayong mag-alala, hindi na ako isa sa inyo ngayon.” Ani ko bago ako tuluyang lumabas ng bahay at talikuran sila.

Parang biniyak ang puso ko sa mga sinabi ni Kelsy sa akin. Para akong pinagbagsakan ng mundo na ang pamilyang pinilit kong isalba noon ay ngayo’y tuluyan na akong nais alisin sa buhay nila.

Masakit sa puso at hindi ko lubos na matanggap na umabot kami sa puntong ito. Na aabot kami posisyong handa silang burahin ako sa alaalang naging masaya rin sila na makasama ako.

It fucking hurts that it hits me to the core. Wanting them back in my life should be out of my aspiration now. My cousins loathed me, and what pained me so much is that… I can be out of Kaizer’s memory.

Seems like my dream about him is joking on me. Cuz it now happened on the other way around. He’s not the one who’s fading away in my sight…

Because I will be the one who’ll fade away in his memories.

Kabanata 12

Kabanata 12

Change

I have never felt being out of everything. I have never felt separated from the world I once belonged to. Not including.

Inakala ko na makukuha ko pa sila. I expect too much that I can handle both worlds in my hands. That I can be able to live with the two. But ended up being deposed from the previous world.

I choose this path, living with the Gutierrez family is who I am now. That’s where I belong now. That’s probably where I’m supposed to be from now on.

Dahil ang pananatili ko sa mga Arcoiris ay hindi na kailan pa magiging gano’n kainit para tanggapin ako. I’m unsuitable with them. Because they have taken me out of their lives.

After the first semester, umalis na ako sa bahay. I celebrated my birthday with Mom, Dad, and Russco in a not that fancy way. At least I enjoyed the latter being with them on my special day kahit pa may kulang. Sa bahay lang kami at ipinagluto ako ni Mom ng mga pagkaing paborito ko. I invited Enzo and Nics to come over on that day.

Sinubukan kong maging masaya dahil ilang buwan na rin simula nang mangyari iyon kay Kaizer. I am also not that revamped to him anymore so unlikely before that I’m dwelling too much about his condition. I tried to cope up in the past months even it’s fucking hard to keep it out from myself.

Umakto akong maayos sa mga buwan na nasa bahay ako nananatili. Sinikap ko ring pumasok sa school kahit pa ramdam kong nahihirapan ako. Madalas kong makita at makasalubong sila Kelsy sa campus pero kahit tanging sulyap lang ay hindi ko na pinagkaabalahan pang gawin.

There was also a time that I was just walking towards the building for my next class and I felt them staring at me from afar while they are near the stairs, laughing. Looking so happy even without me. Hindi ko na ginawa pang balingan sila ng tingin at tumuloy tuloy lang ako sa paglalakad at umaalis na parang hindi ko sila nakita. Taas noo akong naglakad at hindi nagbaba ng tingin kahit pa nalagpasan ko na ang gawi nila.

Hindi na nila ako kilala. And I feel the same way, I don’t know them either. Hindi ko na rin dapat sila kilala. Kaya sa bawat daan at salubong ko sa kanila ay parang hangin kaming nagkakasalubong sa isa’t isa. No head turning nor even taking a glance at each other way, we had never done. And either I…would never do it the same.

Uncomfortably thing is when some of our schoolmates notice my engagement towards them. It came to be the talk inside our University for almost a week. Especially about Kaizer’s condition, everything just fucked up. Kahit na hindi naman nila alam ang namamagitan sa aming magpinsan ay iniisip ng maraming tao na ako ang dahilan kung bakit lumipat si Kaizer ng ibang bansa.

Hindi ko alam kung saan nila napulot ang ideyang iyon. But one thing I’m for sure, it’s from his lunatic’s women. Pero kahit na gano’n ay hindi naman iyon naging ka-big deal sa’kin. Dahil mabilis na nagsubside ang topic after a week. Though naging usap-usapan ang pagiging adopted ko at pakikipagputol ko ng koneksyon sa mga Arcoiris kong pinsan after I knew I was adopted.

People were so inquisitive about our family. They were spreading news and gossips that end up having its flavor and spices at the end. Now that the people knew that I was a Gutierrez ay napansin kong mas lalong tumaas ang trato nila sa akin. Not that they have specialization treatment but it’s more in the feeling of the social status gap. They tend to be inferior.

Hind pa man ako naipapakilala nila Papa sa ibang mga tao as a part of their family ay maayos naman na ako sa ganito. The Gutierrez are private people but they also do public speaking especially that they are in the business industry. They are known as the tycoon of all in this field. And knowing that instances happen to come out the leak about me being one of Ned Gutierrez’s son in our campus ay hindi ko alam kung may plano silang publicity about it. Hindi naman na ako nang-usisa pa kila Papa dahil hindi ko na rin naman gustong bigyan iyon ng pansin.

Lumipat na ako sa bahay kasama sila Enzo nang mag-second semester. I celebrated my Christmas and New Year with them at hindi sa mga Arcoiris. It was a new feeling to me dahil masyado silang enggrande pagdating sa lahat ng okasyon. I feel welcomed to their family but I never felt the warmth and that same vibe of happiness whenever I’m with the Arcoiris.

Ayoko mang isipin na ikinukumpura ko ang dalawang pamilya dahil sa magkaibang tradisyon ang meron sila. O marahil masyado ko lang din iniisip na mas masaya kung pwede ko rin silang makasama ulit.

Before the sembreaks ends my Arcoiris cousins visited Kaizer abroad. I knew it when Mom tells me about it. She said that Kaizer was still in the hospital and remain unconsciously laying on his bed. He’s still in a coma.

Kahit pa gaano ko man kagustong sumama sa kanila para bumisita sa kaniya ay hindi ko na rin ginawa pa. Hindi na ako nagtangka pa kahit gaano kalabis ang kagustuhan kong makita siyang muli lalo na sa ganitong situwasyon niya. I’m worried and that feeling never fails to bug me every single night.

Walang araw na hindi ko siya inisip. Walang gabi na hindi siya ang laman ng isipan ko. At sa bawat pag-imahe ko ng kaniyang mukha ay hindi ko maiwasang magmukmok. Matagal ko na ring sinusubukan tanggapin na sa oras na magising siya ay baka makalimutan niya kami…ako.

His doctor said the possibility to us and be ready for it when the time comes. Because most of the patient that had been in a coma misses their memories. At mas mabuti raw na maaga na naming malaman para maging aware at handa rin kami sa posibilidad na ito.

And in Kaizer’s case, natatakot akong baka mangyari iyon. The reason why I always validated Kelsy’s last outburst on me. Because in that way, I get to understand and slowly accept that if ever he loses his memory and might forget me, he’ll go back to what he used to be. In the life where he seems and used to be happy without me.

I finished my first year in college. It was a hell solo flight for me. I used to study hard just so I can divert all my alleys. I managed to go to the gym and tired myself at night just so I can get myself fall asleep. Because I’d been struggling with insomnia for almost a year now.

It’s quite a long while now. I hardly fall asleep so I used to go out at night. Usually, Rhadmus is with me. At dahil nasa iisang subdivision lang kami ay kaming dalawa ang madalas na magkasama. O kung hindi naman ay si Enzo o kaming tatlo. There were also several times na kumpleto kami nila Pierce na nagpupunta ng pub at party clubs every other night sa Makati.

It was detracting my thoughts and at least given me a fewer peace of mind every night that I’m thinking of him. The loud music and the scattered neon lights inside the clubs. The hot liquor that is lining my throat gives me the sensation of I can be free from this. That I can be out of getting stuck from all of them. From thinking too much of him.

“Let’s go out tonight,” I muttered over the phone.

“Booze?” Rhad asked on me huskily.

“Yeah, the usual,” I uttered lazily. Narinig ko pa siyang ilang saglit na natahimik sa kabilang linya bago sumagot.

“Alright, pick you up outside.” Aniya at pinatay ko na agad ang tawag.

Madalas na gano’n ang routine namin kaya alam na niya. Kapag nagyayaya akong magtungo ng club ay sa sasakyan niya ako sumasakay. Or either way, he will drive my car. Basta sa passenger seat lang ako palagi at siya ang nasusunod sa pagmamaneho. Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo dahil wala rin naman akong pakialam.

It’s near midnight when I went out of our house. Tulog na sila Nics at si Enzo naman ay tiningnan ko pa muna sa loob ng kaniyang kuwarto bago ako umalis. Naka-lock ang kuwarto niya kaya hindi ko na rin kinatok pa. Hindi ko naman na kailangan magpaalam sa kaniya na aalis ako, it’s just that he will kill me once he knew that I’m going out for a club again tonight.

No’ng una kasi ay sumasama pa siya sa akin at hindi niya ako tinatanggihan sa tuwing mag-aaya ako. But when I frequently went out every night in the club, do’n na niya ako pinagsabihan. Hindi naman ako nagagalit sa kaniya dahil alam kong kapakanan ko lang ang gusto niya.

Kaya natutuhan ko na ring umalis ng gabi nang hindi nila natutunugan. Dahil alam at sigurado akong galit na ang maririnig ko mula kay Enzo sa oras na malaman niyang tumutungo pa rin ako ng club.

Patay na ang mga ilaw sa loob ng bahay. Kaya madilim ang buong paligid pagkababa ko ng hagdan. Naabutan kong naghihintay sa akin sa labas ng gate ang itim na Aston Martin na sasakyan ni Rhad nang makalabas ako ng bahay.

I swiftly got inside his car and he maneuvers it in no such time right after I shut our gates.

“Nagpaalam ka ba kay Enzo?” Tanong sa akin ni Rhad na sinulyapan pa ako ng saglit isang minuto pa lang ang nakakaraan nang makaalis kami sa bahay.

“Nope, so don’t fucking tell him or I’ll kill you.” I snapped cooly at him as my eyes remained on the shady road.

I then heard him chuckled evilly. “Why will I tell him? Tss, I’m an accomplice here.”

Hindi ko nalang siya pinansin. Bukas ang alis namin pauwi ng mansyon dahil bukod sa weekend, summer na rin. Plano nilang magtungo ng Canada o kaya naman ay sa Switzerland. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-excited dahil mas naaaliw ako sa mga beaches. But then, ayos na rin ’yon so I can have my peace around.

Pumasok agad kami ng club pagkarating at sa second floor agad ang punta namin. The owner of this club was Rhad’s friend. At nakilala ko na rin siya dahil sa halos gabi-gabi nga rin akong nandito.

“Hey, I thought you’re not coming out tonight,” Brad said after we fist bump. He’s Rhadmus’ friend and the owner of this high-end club.

I am leaning my elbows down at the barricade and like a hawk watching the nocturnal animals partying below the dance floor.  Nasa tabi ko naman si Rhadmus at may dalang isang glass ng hard liquor para sa akin. I get it and take a sip before I face Brad to respond to what he just say.

I smirk at him. “What’s poppin? I know, you’ll say me this line when something is up on you.”

His brows arched on me and smirk like an evil having an idea running on his head. Well, I bet I easily recognize someone’s intention this time.

“I have found a woman for you tonight. She’s a model of prestigious brands. Man, I was so shocked when she approached me last night just to ask for your name. Bruh, I think you’re her type of man.”

Pinangunutan ko naman siya ng noo. Napatingin ako kay Rhad nang agad itong umakbay sa akin at tiningnan ang kaibigan niyang nasa harapan namin.

“Is that Trish? I bet it was the sexy commercial model from IMG agency and damn, she really is burning as hell.” Rainier inserted on us beside Brad. He’s Enzo’s friend that I also get to bond with.

“I don’t care about her.” walang gana kong sinabi. Hindi interesado.

Natatawa naman nila akong tiningnan na parang hindi makapaniwala.

“Bruh, are you sure? That woman is such a boner. I heard that she doesn’t even have a boyfriend. Aren’t you curious that you might be her first?” Brad cockily said.

Then eventually I heard Rhad chuckled beside me. Napataas naman ako ng kilay.

“She’s a petty woman Brad.” He inferred.

“She’s not, Rhadmus. I lurked at her around since then cuz I find her salacious and damn gorgeous. Minsan lang ’yan magtungo ng club at napapansin kong palagi kay Neil nakatingin.” Brad defend.

Tumango-tango naman si Rainier after he drink on his glass. Like he’s agreeing about it.

“Ah-huh, I noticed that too. By her seductive normal stares on you, I can sense that she’s desiring you, Neil. Might give her that satisfaction if I were you. She wasn’t a loss though.”

Mabilis naman akong umiiling at napangisi sa sinabi ni Rainier. “Nah, I don’t feel playing with fire tonight. Pass,”

“Brah! She’s a goddamn hell! Hindi mo pa kasi ata nakikita kaya nasasabi mo ’yan! Teka, I saw her at the dancefloor kanina. Baka mag-init ka agad kapag nagkausap kayo.” Ani pa ni Brad na bumaling sa ibaba namin sa dancefloor para hanapin ang sinasabi niya sa aking babae kanina pa.

“She’s way older for Neil.”

“But older woman are hot,” Pagbara ni Rainier sa sinabi ni Rhadmus.

Naramdaman ko namang magtiim bagang si Rhad at humiwalay sa pagkakaakbay sa akin.

“Neil is still nineteen, Rainier. His physique may look on point but he’s still-”

“Rhad, come on, it’s alright. As if I never get fucked a woman your age.” I mocked him cuz he’s being manipulative again when it comes to me.

Sinamaan naman niya ako ng tingin. Na parang may mali agad akong nagawa o nasabi sa kaniya. I arched my brows as I drew my lips in a mocking smirk while I glance at him in menace.

His jaw clenched when he noticed me being playful to him. “You’re still my responsibility, Neil. So get fucked yourself and not that fucking woman.” He said icily this time.

I just rolled my eyes at him. “Ikaw nga nakita kong nakikipaghalikan sa ibang babae last night, tapos ako, ’go fuck myself alone? The hell are you,” I humidly said.

“There she is,”

“Call her Brad, she needs to meet Neil. I’m sure they’ll click.” Rainier command to Brad.

Tinalikuran ko naman si Rhadmus na may masama ng tingin sa akin ngayon. Nilapitan ko sila Brad at bumaling sa barandilya para tumingin sa ibaba sa dancefloor.

Tinuro nila sa akin ang babae at hindi nga sila nagkamali ng deskripsyon. She’s one of a hell woman. She’s looking up at me from the first floor while I sipped on my glass rock. I gritted my jaw. Her eyes were seductive and her wavy hair flowed perfectly.

“Damn Neil, you’re so hot.” She muttered pantingly as I kissed her on the neck.

After a little conversation earlier when she went on the second floor to finally approach me. Hindi ko na pinatagal dahil alam kong dito rin naman kami hahantong. By her salacious glares on me and gestures hold on my arms earlier, I get what she is piping on me. Women…

I pushed her on the dashboard of her car inside. Nakatalikod siya sa akin. Nakahilig na rin ang upuan ng passenger seat as I unbuckle my belt and unzipped my pants from her back. I gripped her hair harshly when I fully get my hard tool inside her.

“Augh! You’re so f-fast…” She moaned as I pound her hardly from the back.

Mas hinigpitan ko naman ang pagkakasabunot ko sa kaniyang buhok at ibinaon ang aking kahabaan mula sa kaniyang kaibutiran. Hawak ng kanan kong kamay ang kaniyang buhok habang ang kaliwa kong kamay ay malikot na gumapang sa kaniyang dibdib at paglaruan iyon kalaunan na lumikha ng mumunting ungol mula sa kaniya. Then I whispered in her ear.

“Don’t you like it fast?” I mumbled huskily.

She then groaned when I pound her roughly again and burried my massive tool inside her deeply slow. Pulling it out and mashing her back as I put all in my wood.

“Aughh! N-No, I love it, Neil. I fucking love it…fuck me.”

Tinulak ko naman siyang muli sa dashboard dahilan para mas mapayuko siya at mas i-bend ang kaniyang mga binti. And when I find her position perfectly, I gripped her waist and hammered her sensitive clit in a ragged way this time. Her moaned were so loud but the claps of our skin every time it meets halfway was more loud than it was. The car we are making out shakes like it was some earthquake as I splashed her in so much pleasure.

I arched my neck as I feel myself was about to come. From her back, I burried myself on her clit deeply, hitting her perfect spot that made her moans louder and louder in pleasure as it serves me to groan in so much amusement sensation.

“Saan ka galing? I was searching for you in the whole corner of the club,” Rhadmus’ cold baritone voice asked me after that swift make-out at the parking lot.

Bumalik ako sa taas para tawagin siyang uuwi na kami. But his dark menacing expression stopped me.

“I was on the comfort room, Rhad. Let’s go home,” tanging sabi ko at pag-iba ng topic.

Matalim naman niya akong tinitigan at padarag na ibinaba ang kaniyang baso sa lamesa namin.

“You fuck her,” it wasn’t a question.

I pursed my lips and boredly looked at him. Ngunit ang madilim niyang tingin sa akin ay agad na lumipad sa likuran ko.

“Neil, can we talk.” I heard a woman’s voice asked behind me.

“Oh, Trish? Ikaw pala,” Brad approached us.

“Uhm, I want to talk to Neil bago ako umuwi.”

Hindi naman ako lumilingon sa gawi nila Brad. Nananatili lang akong nakaharap kay Rhadmus na may diiretsong matalim na tingin sa aking likuran. His jaw was moving and his dark eyes were piercing towards the woman I fuck.

“Neil?” Dinig kong tawag muli sa akin ng babae.

Binalik naman sa akin ni Rhadmus ang kaniyang mga mata na halos sakalin na ako ngayon sa sobrang sama ng kaniyang pagkakatitig sa akin. Pilyo ko lang siyang nginisian bago ko hinarap ang babae. Iniinis siya lalo.

She’s now wearing her fitted mini dress when I face her. Though I noticed that her hair was on a messy bond. I gravely glared at her.

“What?” I nonchalantly said at the woman.

Napakurap kurap naman siya. She bit her lower lips as her eyes bored on me hesitantly. Naglakad siya at mas lumapit sa akin.

“Can I get your number? So…we can make it again.” She sounded shy but I can sense her eagerness.

Seryoso ko lang siyang tiningnan. Mukha naman siyang nataranta.

“A-Ano kasi, I’m really attracted to you. Lalo na ngayon na, we made that in my car. Maybe we can-” I cutted her off when I found her reasons boring.

“Sorry miss but I have to go. What happened in your car, it doesn’t mean anything.”

Woman, woman, woman. Why do they have to be attached to a person who only fucked with them? It’s just a one-night stand. A make-out. Why do they have to see it as a big deal when at first they initiated it. It’s the reason why they get hurt multiple times. They get easily attached.

Sa bawat gabing nagtutungo ako sa club, there are always women who try to hit on me. It wasn’t new to me though. Kaya kahit sila Brad ay alam na maraming nahuhumaling sa akin. Even it’s in their age, they really made an effort to strike a conversation on me.

Kaya itong babae na ito ay hindi na bago sa akin. They think that physical strings made a difference in emotion. I knew it well, cuz I was a player since then. I just change when it all happened between us.

I do sexual intercourse not for fun, but to ease my boredom. To get him off my head. To get rid of Kaizer.

Ramdam ko ang lamig ng trato sa akin ni Rhadmus sa tuwing nalalaman niya ang tungkol dito. I don’t know to him if why he always looks so upset every time he knew that I make out. Well, I don’t care about him as well. Kaya madalas ay ignorahin ko lang siya kapag gano’n ang mood niya.

After that night in the club, I went to my bed after I clean myself up. I took my sedative cuz I still don’t feel like sleeping. In the past months, this is what I’ve become. Kung hindi club at bar ang gagawin kong pampatulog, I will go to the gym. And if it all doesn’t work, I take my sedatives on my drawer beside the side table of my bed.

Kinaumagahan ay halos tinanghali na ako ng gising. Nakapag-ayos at nakahanda na sila Enzo at Nics nang lumabas ako ng kuwarto ko. Naabutan ko silang dalawa na nasa salas ng bahay. Nics is sitting on the sofa while Enzo is standing tall proudly with his arms crossed glaring at me with his narrowing eyes.

“Goodmorning. I’m sorry I woke up late this morning, aalis na ba tayo?” Bungad ko sa kanila nang makababa ako ng hagdan.

Enzo was humidly watching me as I spoke. Si Nics naman ay pinangunutan lang ako ng noo at pinasadahan ang aking hitsura.

“It’s past ten o’clock in the morning, Neil. And you get to asked me that?” Enzo asked in me gravely. Ramdam ko ang diin sa kaniyang malalim na boses.

“Kuya,” Nics then interlude.

Mataman ko lang siyang tinitigan pabalik. “I’m sorry-”

“Eat your breakfast before we leave. Hihintayin ka namin sa sasakyan,” malamig na putol sa akin ni Enzo bago niya ako tinalikuran at lumabas patungong pintuan palabas ng bahay.

“Hindi na ako mag-aagahan, umalis na tayo-” habol kong ani sa kaniya bago siya tuluyang makalabas ng pintuan.

“Kumain ka na bago mo pa maubos ang pasensya ko,” he patiently uttered without turning his head on me.

Lumabas siya ng bahay at hindi na ako nilingon pa. Si Nics naman ay narinig kong mahinang bumuntong hininga na tumayo sa kaniyang kinauupuan. At saka niya ako nilapitan.

“Sasabihin ko kay Manang na ipaghanda ka ng pagkain,”

Hindi na ako tumanggi pa at nagtungo na lang sa kusina. Bumiyahe kami ng araw na iyon patungong mansyon. Nagpasya si Enzo na isang sasakyan nalang ang gagamitin pauwi ng mansyon dahil hindi rin naman kami magtatagal doon at babayhe rin kami ng airport palipad ng ibang bansa sa susunod na mga araw.

Sa sasakyan niya kami sumakay. Enzo was driving while I’m sitting in the passenger seat. Nics is on the back seat, wearing her headphones. Tahimik lang kaming lahat at walang nagtangkang magsalita sa aming tatlo.

Ramdam kong galit sa akin si Enzo. Mula sa trato niya sa akin kaninang umaga ay alam kong galit siya. He’s like this whenever he’s upset or annoyed with someone. Kaya naman nang halos kalahating oras na kami sa biyahe at hindi niya pa rin ako kinikibo ay bumaling na ako sa kaniya para harapin siya.

I saw his serious expression with his lips in grim line the moment I faced his way. Marahan pa akong napalunok bago nakapagsalita.

“Uhm… Kelan ang flight natin papuntang Canada?” I asked just to make him talk to me.

I waited for his answer but nothing came. He just ignored my question like he doesn’t hear me. I let a sigh.

“I’m sorry,” ani ko kalaunan dahil alam kong hindi niya ako papansinin. Alam kong galit siya dahil mukhang natunugan niyang nag-club ako kagabi.

But he didn’t even bother to spoke neither to take a glance at me after I said my apology.

“I’m with Rhadmus-” I was about to confess my mistakes when he suddenly spoke.

“I know, he told me.” He coldly cut me off.

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi niya. What? Rhadmus told him? That motherfucker! I’m gonna kill him myself!

“You promised me na hindi ka na pupunta ng club. And yet you still sneaked out last night. Ano ba talagang plano mo, Neil?” Enzo muttered to me gravely.

Napaiwas naman ako sa kaniya ng tingin. Kahit pa tuwid ang kaniyang mga matang nakatuon sa daan habang maamaneho ay ramdam ko ang talim roon.

“If Papa knows about this, he’ll be disappointed to you. Last month naiintindihan pa kita, pero ngayon hindi na. Sobra na, Neil. You’re being a rebel.”

I also think of myself the same. Pakiramdam ko nagpapaka-rebelde ako but at the same time hindi. I only go to clubs and nothing more. I am doing that to ease myself apprehensive.

At kung sa tingin ni Enzo na ’yon ang ginagawa ko. Then I should stop going to the club from now on.

“You’re changing, Neil. Pero sana naman for your good sake. ’Cuz it’s not making any sense anymore,” Enzo divulged gravely.

Napaiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya at mariing tinanaw ang labas ng bintana. Napakurap ako sa sinabi niya. Right. I should change for the betterment and good sake of myself. And that’s what I should have done.

Kabanata 13

Kabanata 13

Gone

We go abroad for vacation. After one week in Canada ay tinungo naman namin ang Switzerland at nilibot ang Europa. This is my first time going to this country and I feel happy. I diverted my attention every time we go out for a tour and doing such recreational activities outside.

Nakasama namin sila Pierce at Rhadmus kahit pa nung nasa Europa na kami. Ngunit hindi na sila nakasama pa sa amin patungong Canada dahil naging abala sila sa trabaho sa kumpanya at tinapos ang mga kailangang asikasuhin para makahabol patungong Switzerland.

I can say that it was thoroughly a nice vacation for me. Kahit pa mas sanay ako sa beach at island hopping every summer vacation ko tuwing uuwi ako ng Pilipinas noon. Masaya rin pala ang pagpunta sa ibang bansa.

Lola Ophelia is with us. Tita Stella and Tita Aurelia as well. Sila Lolo, Tito Leonard at Papa kasama ang dalawa ko pang pinsan ang humabol lamang nung nasa Europa na kami. Halos ilang linggo rin kaming nanatili sa ibang bansa bago kami bumalik muli ng Pilipinas.

“Sama ka?” Pierce asked me one-morning nang makauwi kami sa mansyon pagkatapos ng ilang linggong pagbabakasyon sa abroad.

I was laying on my bed when he got into my room. He’s topless and only wearing his Calvin Klein white boxer shorts when he sat on my bed. Seems like he just woke up cuz his jet black hair was cutely disheveled.

“Saan?” Tanong ko naman sa kaniya.

Naupo ako sa kama at inilapag ang librong binabasa. Tiningnan ko siyang nakaupo sa paanan ko.

“In motorsport. Car racing, are you in?” He lazily drawled.

Napanguso ako at nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya. Matagal na rin nang huli ko iyong nagawa. At ang huli pa ata no’n ay ’yong kasama ko pa sila Marcos.

“Rhadmus and Enzo are coming. Pinapatanong nila if you’re interested.”

“Sige, sasama ako.” Ani ko dahil wala rin naman akong gagawin sa maghapong ito.

Sa sasakyan ako ni Enzo sumakay nang makababa ako sa hagdan ng mansyon. Nakita kong nag-aantay nga sila sa akin kasama si Nics. Simula nang huling pag-uusap namin ni Enzo ay bumalik naman ulit sa dati ang lahat.

Though, he seems skeptical that I acted like a tame kid dahil nasa ibang bansa kami. But no, dahil nang makabalik kami ng Pilipinas ay hindi na ako nagpupunta pa ng club. I just go to the gym instead. Or whenever I feel drinking ay tinutungo ko lang ang mini bar ng mansion at do’n nagpapakalango.

We do car racing when we arrived at the place and I must say that I had a great time with it. Kahit pa nung una ay medyo nanibago ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi ako makahinga sa suot kong mga gear at suit sa loob ng race car. Rhadmus assisted me while Nics assisted by Enzo and Pierce.

Hindi naman na bago sa akin ito pero nang mag-iba lang ang pakiramdam ko nang makaisang ikot ako sa field ay bumagal ang andar ko at itinigil ko ang sasakyan.

“What happened?” Rhad asked me pagkahubad ko ng aking helmet. I unzipped my suit bago ko siya binalingan nang makalabas ako sa sasakyan ko.

“I can’t breathe. Nahilo ako.” Usal ko sa nahahapo na tono at agad na naupo sa bench. Natanaw ko naman sila Rainier at Gabriel na mga kaibigan ni Enzo na tumungo na rin sa aking gawi.

Inabutan ako ni Rhad ng tubig at sila Pierce, Enzo at Nics naman ay tumungo na rin sa amin.

“Anong nangyari?” Enzo asked me when he got near. His voice was hostile and mixed with worry.

Tiningala ko naman siya pagkatapos kong takpan ang bote ng tubigan ni Rhadmus.

“Maybe I’m not just feeling well today. Go on, I’m alright here at the bench,” I responded.

Nakita kong mangunot ang noo niya at balingan sila Pierce ng seryosong mga tingin.

“I’m alright, Enzo. Mamaya susubukan ko ulit. Kayo muna nila Nics. Iko-kundisyon ko lang ang katawan ko, naninibago lang siguro ako dahil ngayon na lamang ulit ako gumawi sa ganito.” Sabi ko sa kaniya dahil halos hindi pa sila nakakapwesto sa kanilang mga sasakyan kanina at ayaw kong mahinto sila ng lang dahil sa’kin.

Tinitigan pa ako ni Enzo ng masinsinan na parang sinusuri ang sitwasyon ko bago siya nagdesisyong maiwan sa tabi ko pagkaraan.

“Nics, si Pierce nalang ang mag-aassist sa’yo. Samahan ko muna si Neil dito.”

“I volunteered, Enzo. Akong bahala kay Nics.” Gab offered.

Tinanguan lang siya ni Enzo. “Mamaya na rin ako, Brad. Dito muna ako,” It was Rhadmus. Kasama rin kasi namin sila Brad at ang ilang mga kaibigan pa nila ni Pierce at Enzo.

“I’m alright, Enzo, Rhadmus. Pumunta na kayo ron.” Ani ko sa dalawa nang makaalis na sila Pierce at tinungo ang kanilang mga sasakyan para makapagpatuloy na sa race.

Hindi naman ako nilingon ng dalawa na may seryosong ekspresyong nakaupo sa magkabilang gilid ko. Nakatingin lang sila sa mga sasakyang nag-hahanda na sa race.

“Nahihilo ka sabi mo,” Si Rhadmus sa seryosong tono.

“Nahilo, hindi nahihilo Rhad. It’s different.”

“It’s just the same, nahilo ka pa rin,” mariing ani Rhad sa akin na hindi ko inasahan. Mukha siyang galit nang sabihin niya iyon sa akin.

“Are you alright Neil? Magsabi ka nga ng totoo.” It was Enzo who asked me sternly this time.

Hinarap ko naman si Enzo sa kabilang gilid ko. Tinutop na niya ngayon sa akin ang seryoso niyang mga mata na kanina ay nasa mga sasakyan ang tingin. Hindi ko nalang siya binalingan at mabilis na nag-iwas nalang ng tingin.

“What do you mean? I’m fine, Enzo.” I said languidly.

“You seems not,” si Rhad naman sa kabilang gilid ko.

“Ayos nga lang ako-”

“I saw sedatives in your luggage when we’re in Canada. Ngayon mo sabihing ayos ka lang.” Malamig na utas ni Enzo sa akin ngayon.

Napakurap naman ako. Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa sapatos ko at mariing nagtiim bagang.

I didn’t tell anyone about my insomnia. I’m dealing with it for a year now. Nung una akala ko ay nahihirapan lang ako sa pagtulog dahil sa sobrang pag-iisip. But when I get difficulty falling asleep at night for more than one month, ay do’n na ako kumonsulta sa doktor.

I am not aware that I’m battling with anxiety. One of the reasons why I get difficulty at night. My doctor prescribed me some meds to help me go through it in the past months but I’m still battling falling asleep. And that was the time were my doctor suggested a mental health specialist.

My condition wasn’t severe yet had to pay attention. I did sessions for my anxiety right after my doctor suggested me a good psychiatrist. And it went well, I guess. But not when I feel restless after an hour of sleep every day.

Maaga akong nagigising kahit pa isa o dalawang oras pa lang ang tulog ko. O kung hindi naman ay hindi na ako nakakatulog pa. It was so restless for me. Lalo pa at kailangan ko ring pumasok ng school kinaumagahan.

Mom and Dad noticed it before but I just don’t give them much information about it. ’Cuz I don’t want them to worry on me that much.

“Hindi ka ba nakatulog kagabi?” Mom asked me one-morning nang mag-aagahan na kami. Sa kanila ako nanatili no’n ilang buwan na ang nakakaraan nang malaman ko ang nangyari kay Kaizer.

She probably noticed my exhausted expression and fathom under eyes the moment I take my seat in our dining room. Naupo ako sa upuan at hindi binalingan si Mom. Umiiwas.

“Research po,” tanging sagot ko dahil pagod na pagod ang pakiramdam ko nang mga oras na ’yon.

Then I snapped out of my reverie when I heard Enzo’s baritone voice.

“Since when you’re taking these sedatives, Neil? Bakit hindi mo man lang ako sinabihan na ganiyan na pala yung nangyayari sa’yo?” Enzo asked me when we got inside my room.

Umuwi na rin kami agad nang mag-iba ang timpla ng mood ni Enzo sa akin. He gets annoyed in so much worried kaya hindi na siya tumuloy pa sa racing and I feel bad about it.

Nasa loob kaming dalawa ng kwarto ko. Nakaupo ako sa gilid ng kama ko at tahimik lang na nakababa ang tingin sa sahig. Habang siya naman ay nakapamewang at mariing nakatingin sa ’kin sa harapan ko. Rhad heard what Enzo said to me a while ago. Pero pinaalis muna siya ni Enzo para makapag-usap kaming dalawa ng masinsinan.

“‘Yon ba yung dahilan mo kung bakit ka halos gabi-gabing nagpupunta ng club? Why didn’t you tell me about these things earlier? I can see how much Kaizer’s condition impacted you last year. I understand how it caused you a lot of drawbacks even you’re not telling us about it. But it’s getting serious now Neil. Tell me,” Enzo humid voice prompts me.

Ramdam kong nag-aalala siya kaya galit na galit siya sa akin ngayon. But my feeling was forbidden. I used to take it alone. I get to deal with it by myself alone.

Hindi ako umimik. Narinig ko siyang malakas na bumuntong hininga at naglakad palapit sa akin sa kama. I felt him calm himself for a little while before he started to spoke in a gentle manner.

“Neil…ayos ka lang ba talaga?” Nag-aalalang tanong sa akin ni Enzo sa malalim niyang boses.

He then sat beside me and glared at me with his eyes full of carefulness.

Napakuyom ako ng kamao ko. I clenched my jaw when I find it hard for me to speak about how I am feeling.

“It’s alright, tell me. Makikinig ako,”

I blinked. Enzo’s words were console to my ears. He’s truly worried and I can feel it. I let a heavy sigh before I parted my lips to find my words for him.

In the past months, I’m no longer the Neil who always speaks with certainty. I wasn’t the same who is always used to be good at assessing everything in no time. It seems that what was happened to Kaizer and my cousins molded the unusual me today. It gives me emptiness.

“I’m happy, Enzo… Indeed… Trust me. Masaya ako na nakilala ko kayo ng pamilya niyo. I’m thankful and overwhelmed that you accepted me. It’s just that… I feel like my own world turn its back on me. They are my cousins. They are still my c-cousin, Enzo. R-Right? Pinsan ko pa rin naman sila ’di ba?” My voice almost shuttered when I said that to him.

Naramdaman kong uminit ang likuran ng aking mga mata. Hindi ko siya tinitingnan pabalik dahil ayaw kong makita niya ako sa ganitong estado. Hindi ko gustong makita niya na masyado akong naapektuhan.

“Neil-”

“They erase me, Enzo. Binura na nila ako sa pamilyang kabilang ako noon and I don’t fucking understand why they had to do this on me! They want me out of their lives. And Kaizer… I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to put care and worry for. He might forget me, Enzo. And I cannot accept that thought.” My voice shattered in a broken tone where I can let my uneasiness for a year now.

Nag-angat ako sa kaniya ng tingin sa tabi ko. I can feel my eyes weary and tired. But I let him see me breaking just for once. Because I promise that this will be the last.

Mariin at seryosong nakakunot ang noo ni Enzo na nakatitig sa akin ngayon, marahan akong pinagmamasdang maglabas ng hinaing sa kaniya. “You’re always be their cousin, Neil. Just give them some time to ratify everything that happened to you. It’ll be fine,” he then mumbled huskily like he knew that everything will be fine. But this is not the time.

I slowly nodded at him. Not losing hope but in the belief that I will get to accept it in time.

“And please, don’t overthink too much. Give yourself some space, Neil. It will help you. Don’t sulk at things that are not under your control. Take a rest. Set your thoughts free. Just for yourself this time, alright? Promise me, I’m worried for you and I hate seeing you this way.”

I just nod my head towards everything he was saying and later on, I let him wrapped me with his overwhelming embrace.

After all that happened, I knew to myself that I needed some space. I needed time to help myself cope up. I had to figure things and fixed the broken thoughts and reality that I cannot be able to amend anymore. I’m living my life with new people. I’m dealing with it with new surroundings. I didn’t have to adapt. Cuz I have adjusted since then the truth slammed me.

’Yon naman talaga ang rason ko kaya ko rin pinapalitan ang apelyido ko at sumama na sa tunay kong ama. I want to be whole by being with them. In the belief that things would be broader for me.

For the truth that will set my questions free and off in my head why they have to dispend me away. It now clears my way. Papa tells me everything and I should be over as well as find peace with it.

Si Kaizer lang naman ang hindi ko magawang bitawan sa lahat ng mga isipin ko. Nang malaman ko ang sitwasyon niya nang maaksidente siya ay bumalik lahat ng alaala sa akin. Ayos na ako e’, tanggap ko na na hindi kami pwede. I already accept that we cannot be…not even the truth that I’m no longer an Arcoiris.

But when that accident happened to him, I’m going back in the thoughts of missing him…in a way that Kelsy accusing me of. More than just a cousin. I’m sincerely worried as someone special to him.

Alam kong mali kaya sinubukan kong itama. Nagkamali ako at nangako akong hindi na muli uulitin ang pagkakamaling nagawa ko no’n. But now that I lost every one of them, sa tingin ko ay wala na akong dapat pang ikatakot na mawawala sa akin. I don’t have any burden to make a choice for the sake of others this time. Dahil wala na akong dapat na isaalang-alang pa sa kanila.

Weeks passed at sinubukan kong gawin ang sinabi ni Enzo sa akin. I give myself some space and time to spend on the things that will make me get back on track. In the days, I know I am way better than in the old days I’m trapped in the corner of a huge box.

“You’re a fast learner,” Enzo said as he mockingly pats my head.

I smacked his hand when he almost disheveled my hair. He then just chuckled. Iniwas ko ang e-scooter sa gawi niya at iniwan siya sa kalsada. Mabilis naman siyang sumunod sa akin.

In the past few days, inabala ko ang aking sarili sa pagmamaneho nitong e-scooter. Enzo instructs me on how to navigate it. Mabilis ko namang nakuha at natutuhan dahil pagbalanse lang ang dapat mong aralin para magawa mong imaneho ito at hindi tumumba at mahulog sa sahig.

The warm wild wind embrace me when I hastened the speed of my e-scooter handlebar. We’re in the mansions road kaya malawak ang naiikutan namin sa paglilibot. Si Nics at Enzo lang ang kasama ko ngayon dahil si Rhadmus at Pierce ay parehong nasa trabaho.

“Kuya, Tita Stella is there and looking for you,” imporma ni Nics na sumalubong sa akin na naka e-scooter din.

Bumagal naman ang andar ako at binalingan si Enzo na nasa tabi ko na rin pala.

“Tara, I assume she has something for you,” Enzo said with a smirk on his lips.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay at saka inilingan nalang bago umandar pabalik ng mansyon. Sa hardin kami dumiretso patungo sa gazebo. Nando’n kasi sila Lola, Tita Stella at Tita Aurelia.

We parked our scooter beside the gazebo nang makarating kami ro’n.

“Neil!” I immediately heard Tita Stella’s soft voice calling me inside the gazebo.

Nag-angat naman ako agad sa kaniya ng tingin matapos kong maibaba ang foot stand ng scooter. She then immediately approached me and kissed my cheek.

“Ipinaghanada namin kayo ng meryenda. Halika, Mama and I baked this cake. Si Tita Aurelia mo naman ang sa lemonades and cookies.” Tita Stella said.

Nginitian ko naman siya. “Salamat po,” ani ko sa bahagyang nahihiyang tono.

“Come here hijo,” si Lola na tinawag pa ako dahil nando’n na sila Enzo at Nicks sa loob ng gazebo.

Pumasok naman agad ako kasama si Tita Stella.

“Ito oh,” abot sa akin ni Lola ng plate.

At nang makita ko namang kuhanin ni Tita Stella ang knife to slice me some cake, I opt to get it from her.

“Ako na po,” giit ko dahil kaya ko naman. But she just smiled at me without glancing and shook her head.

“No, ako na. Just sit down there,”

Nag-aalangan man ay naupo na lamang ako dahil mukhang hindi rin naman niya ako hahayaan. Inilagay niya ang sliced ng cake sa aking pinggan at ipinagsalin pa ako ni Lola Ophelia ng juice sa baso ko.

“Salamat po,” usal ko bago ako sumubo ng pagkain.

In the whole summer of spending my days with them, I get comfortable over time. Lalo na kay Lola Ophelia at Tita Stella. They are so kind and very generous when it comes to me. They spoiling me most of the time. Kahit pa hindi si Tita Stella dito nakatira ay madalas siyang tumungo rito para bumisita.

Si Papa naman ay gano’n din. Kahit pa madalas siya sa opisina ay nagagawa niya pa ring maglaan ng oras para magkasama kami at mas makilala pa ang isa’t isa. It wasn’t bad at all. Dahil kahit maging si Tita Aurelia ay hindi naman ako tinatrato ng masama kahit pa ramdam kong hindi niya pa rin ako tanggap para sa pamilya nila.

Lolo Ignacio as well. He gave me a present but that doesn’t mean he still approves of me in their family. He remains stoic and humid whenever he’s around me. Matalim man siyang tumingin ay nasanay na lang din ako kalaunan.

“Aren’t you taking Law? Hindi ba at dalawa sa mga Tito mo ay attorney?” Tanong sa akin ni Lolo isang beses nang mag-dinner kami.

“Hindi po,” tanging nasabi ko.

“So what course you are taking in college?” He lifted his serious glares to me.

“Business management po,”

His brow arched, lips formed in grim with his eyes narrowing. Binalingan naman niya si Rhadmus na nasa tabi ko.

“Good. I want to see if you have potential. You should work with Rhadmus,” aniya kalaunan. Kinabahan pa ako ng matindi dahil akala ko ay magagalit siya at mamaliitin ang course na kukuhanin ko.

Napabaling naman ako sa katabi kong si Rhad matapos iyon sabihin ni Lolo. “I’ll train him?” He then asked with a sound of amusement.

Hindi naman sumagot si Lolo at tinuon muli ang tingin sa kaniyang pinggan.

“He will stay in my office kung gano’n-” Rhad’s word cutted off.

“He’ll take the least position. When he’s on the job training, sa pinakamababang posisyon siya mag-uumpisa.” Si Lolo na hindi namin insahan na iyon ang sasabihin.

Nakita kong matigilan si Papa at Lola sa sinabi niya.

“Pa, I can’t let it-”

“He will be working under my company, Ned. No, exemption. No blood streaming in common. Kaya sa pinakamababa siya mag-uumpisa.”

“Ignacio, you can’t do this to your grandson. Tell me you don’t mean it.” Si Lola na mukhang hindi natuwa sa sinabi ni Lolo.

Napayuko naman ako at hindi nag-angat sa kanila ng tingin.

“He has to. Kahit pa sa facility maintenance siya mag-umpisa. All his work will be supervised and under my knowledge. So don’t ever try to meddle on this Ophelia and Ned.”

Walang umimik o nakaapila sa sinabi ni Lolo na iyon. Even Papa didn’t brawl about it again at tiningnan nalamang ako nang may paumanhin sa mga mata. Maging si Lola ay tumahimik nalang din.

I can feel the tension between them. Hindi ko rin naman makuhang sumagot dahil wala ako sa posisyon. Hawak ni Lolo ang lahat kaya maging ang awtoridad sa mga salita niya ay laging dapat masunod.

Nagtungo kami ng Boracay bago matapos ang bakasyon. Tanging sila Papa, Tita Aurelia, Enzo at Nics na lamang ang kasama ko. Kami-kami na lamang lima at family outing, hindi na kasama sila Lola.

We stayed in Boracay for a week at bumalik na rin ng Manila before classes started. Nakapag-enroll na rin ako at nagsabay na kami ni Nics. Enzo graduated his college and he’s planning to take his MBA.

Lolo wants to send him abroad for that but Enzo’s decision was firm that he’ll have it here in Manila. Napansin ko rin na nitong nasa Boracay kami at naglalakad sa dalampasigan ay mukhang malalim ang kaniyang iniisip.

“Too deep like the blue sea,” I muttered to him to caught up his attention.

Napalingon naman siya sa akin. We stop walking at the shore at hinarap ang kulay kahel na langit. Payapa ang asul na dagat habang ang araw ay naghahanda na sa paglubog.

“Is it about your MBA?” Tanong ko dahil wala akong ibang maisip na dahilan para manatili siyamg tahimik at walang kibo simula pa kanina na magkasama kami.

Lately, Lolo is pushing him to conform in his every order, especially with this MBA thing. While on the other hand, Papa is supporting him wherever he wants it to be done and accomplished. Walang kaso iyon kay Papa kung saan man niya gustong piliing tapusin ang kanjyang MBA. Except to Tita Aurelia. Because she’s also shoving Enzo’s decision to fulfill it abroad instead of here in Manila.

“If you’re in my position, are you going abroad? Or rather choose to stay here in Manila.” Seryosong tanong ni Enzo sa akin pagkaraan ng ilang saglit na katahimikan.

Maliit naman akong napangiti sa kaniya. Hindi siya nakatingin sa akin nang itanong niya sa akin iyon. He was facing the sun setting with his gravel eyes and clenching jaw. He looks so serious about it.

“I never imagine you’ll be having a hard time in appointing things in your hand,” I muttered as I gaze at the orange sky and clouds this time the same way with him. The rays of the setting sun reflecting on the sea while it also scattered on our faces.

I lick my lower lips. Then I smirk weakly. Pareho kaming nakatanaw ni Enzo sa malawak na dagat habang pinapanood ang paglubog ng haring araw.

“You’re good at it, Neil. Hindi ako.” Dinig ko ang seryosong tono ni Enzo.

“You are too. You are my brother. So it means that we have some same characteristics. At kung nahihirapan ka ngayon sa pagpili kung saan ka mag MBA, I’m pretty sure your reasons are valid.” Nilingin ko siya sa pagkakataong ito. Nakita ko namang dumiin ang kaniyang paningin at mapakuyom ang kaniyang kamao.

I blink. “If there’s something that is holding you back from going abroad, just trust yourself Enzo. That’s all you need. You don’t have to reconsider things just to make everything fall in its place. Because like what you had said on me, it’s all aren’t under our control.”

I sense that Enzo is having a hard time with this. Because there is something that holds him back from picking the ambition he wants. At kung natatakot siyang baka pagbalik niya ay baka magbago lahat,

“You shouldn’t expect too much, Enzo. If that flip of change happened, it means for your good. Sometimes being so much happy is unhealthy. Because you already built the perfect everything in your head without predicting what life, in reality, might do ahead of you. It’s crazy and I know, what I said is complicated. But I bet you get what I mean. Choose what’s best for you Enzo, and trust me, it will reflect others after.”

After that summer of reflecting decisions, we go back to Manila. Balik subdivision kami ulit for school. I was in my second year in college and Nics was in her first year.

Kasabay ko si Nics na pumasok ng school. Dahil lumipad agad na si Enzo pagkabalik na pagkabalik namin galing Boracay patungong ibang bansa para don kuhanin ang kaniyang MBA. I expect that already right after our conversation on the shore.

He’s serious when he said to Papa and Tita Aurelia about his decision. Kahit pa kita ko sa kaniyang mga mata na may parte sa kaniyang gustong mag-stay at dito iyon isakatupataran. Pero mas pinili niyang panindigan ang kaniyang desisyong umalis.

“See you after two or three years?” I asked him sarcastically when we got to the airport.

He smirked languidly at me. I hugged him just enough and tapped his back.

“I’m going back, it’s either before or after your graduation.” Bulong niya sa akin.

Humiwalay naman ako sa pagkakayakap at mataman siyang tiningnan. Nics hugged her again and kissed his cheek. Tita Aurelia did the same while Papa tapped his shoulder.

“You sure hindi ka uuwi even vacation?” Papa asked him.

Enzo smirked and just shooked his head eventually.

“Alright, take care son.”

His MBA will take at least two or three years. Kaya baka before or right after I graduated my college ang balik niya.

It passed two weeks since the classes resume. Wala namang bago at gano’n pa rin ang ginagalawan ko. And since then, Enzo calls me whenever he asked me about my insomnia. He’s a big help. Dahil simula nang himukin niya akong magpalipas ng oras sa mga bagay na makakatulong to divert my thoughts, I get to sleep seemingly good at night.

Kakalabas ko lang ng bathroom when I heard my phone rang. I was drying my hair with my towel when I took a glance at it. I am wearing a robe when I walked towards my study table to get my phone.

Galing akong gym at ginabi na rin ng uwi. Kasama ko sila Rhad at Pierce kanina na napag-usapang dito na rin sa bahay matulog ngayong gabi.

Dinampot ko ang cellphone ko nang makalapit ako. Sinagot ko ang tawag na iyon nang hindi tinitingnan kung sino. Because I’m sure that it was Enzo calling me. He’s like my everyday doctor who frequently checks on me.

I put my phone on my ear while I remove the string of my robe. Inunahan ko na siyang magsalita dahil kabisado ko na ang palagiang litanya niya sa akin.

“I just got home from the gym-” but my words halted when someone spoke on the other line.

“He finally woke up. Kaizer is awake, Neil. But his memories…were gone.”

Kabanata 14

Kabanata 14

Fuck off

Never in my life, I would stiffen like this. I felt my knees froze while my lips left in ’o. My eyes widen in fraction as they pooled with hot tears.

My breathing began to heave. Chest pounding wildly as I felt my ribcage almost ruined in the wild vast beat of my heart.

“He can’t remember anything. Your Kuya Huxton updated us that he just woke up earlier this morning. Sinasabi ko sa’yo ’to just to tell you his condition.” Dad said in a serious manner.

Mom was the one who said that over the line a while ago. But Dad takes over as they seem to feel how I was processing everything they are saying to me right now.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Nanatili lang akong nakatulala sa kawalan. I didn’t even flinch, even for a bit. I just froze right in my place. My feet are rooted on the ground that I can’t take my step towards my bed.

“Neil? You okay?” It was my Mom’s worried voice I heard this time over the phone.

And there where I only flickered. My sight was now blurred by the pooling hot tears and I’m just lost for words. My mind was shut that I can’t even think properly at this moment.

Kaizer… His memories…

“Anak, if you don’t feel alright you can come here. Ipapasundo kita sa Dad mo if you can’t drive. Just tell us, we understand. Alam kong mahirap na nangyari ’to kay Kaizer but we have to work and pray for his progress.” Ani Mom sa akin sa nag-aalala at malalamyos niyang boses.

Nagbaba naman ako ng tingin sa sahig nang mardaman kong nag-uumpisa na akong manghina. Nagparte ang aking mga labi. I felt it dry but I just let it be. Dahil ang maramdamang mag-init ang likuran ng aking mga mata ay sapat na para sabihing hindi ko pala talaga kayang matanggap na makakalimutan ako ni Kaizer.

“Anak, tumawag ka kapag may kailangan ka. Nag-aalala ako sa’yo. Lahat kami nalungkot nang malaman ang balita and I know that…you will be vastly affected.”

Mahinang buntong hininga ang pinakawalan ko nang maramdaman kong unti unti ko ng hindi makayanang pasanin pa ang bigat sa aking dibdib. Naninikip iyon at pakiramdam ko ay hindi ako makahinga sa sobrang sikip ng pagkakaipit ng puso ko.

“T-Thanks Mom… I-I gotta go. I-I’ll just call you a-again later.” I muffled hardly then immediately dropped the call when I can’t contain my downfall anymore.

Parang may nagbara sa aking lalamunan na hindi ko na nagawa pang magsalita ng tuwid. Ibinaba ko ang cellphone sa ibabaw ng table ng may nanginginig na mga kamay pagkatapos ng tawag na iyon. At pagkaraan ay mabagal at mabigat ang mga paa kong humakbang patungo sa aking kama.

I sat at the side of my bed. Yumuko ako at ipinatong ang magkabila kong siko sa aking magkahiwalay na hita. My eyes remained on the floor while I began to catch my heavy breath.

The lights are turned off inside my room. My curtains aren’t off and there was no light glinting. Except for the tears that my eyes let from falling in heftiness. Kinusot ko ang aking mga mata gamit ang isa kong kamay habang mariin na nakatiim bagang. Mariin ko namang pinunasan ang aking pisngi nang maramdaman ko ang mabilis na pagdaloy ng luha kong kanina ko pa pilit hindi pinapakawalan.

I let myself crashed in the silence of darkness. I massage my eyes just to stop them from shedding more tears. Bumagsak ang dalawa kong balikat ng hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili kong lumikha ng mumunting tunog mula sa pag-iyak.

Damn, when I become so lame like this. I feel so dumbfounded and weak right now.

I gasped hard as I wiped my face. Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha, saglit na iniawang ang bibig at iginalaw ang panga. Then when I feel my eyes crammed by tears again, I let a heavy sigh before I bowed my head and let my eyes poured its shed on my palm.

Kaizer forgot us… He forgot everything…including me. And damn, it fucking hurts. It’s excruciating knowing that he can’t remember me anymore.

After more than a year of laying in the hospital bed, sleeping like the dead. I should be happy and celebrating for him that he finally woke up. I should be grateful that he isn’t unconscious anymore. Dapat matuwa ako na magiging maayos na ang lagay niya ngayon…kahit pa nabura na ang ilan sa kaniyang mga alaala.

Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit kapag nangyari na ang kinatatakutan mo. Na makalimutan ka ng taong importante sa iyo.

I haven’t seen him for more than a year and a half now. And seeing him with his condition, I don’t know if I can take it. Isipin ko pa lang na hindi niya ako kilala, nasasaktan na ako. Paano pa kaya ang makita siya at tratuhin akong hindi kilala.

Like how Kelsy and Zach treated me at the restaurant before. It was unacceptable and very heartburning. They act like I’m just a nobody to them.

Masakit, nakakapanghina ng loob. Paano pa kung totohanang nakalimutan na ako…gaya ng kalagayan ng kay Kaizer. It was too harsh to take. I cannot handle it.

Hindi ako nakatulog nang gabing iyon. Nakatulala lang ako at nakatingin sa kawalan ng madilim kong silid habang iniisip ang kalagayan ni Kaizer. At kalaunan ay namalayan ko nalang ang sarili kong umiinom mag-isa sa madilim na island bar ng bahay namin. I get myself a drink at the cupboard in the island bar. Hindi ko maiwasang maging maramdamin habang iniisip ang pagkakalimot sa akin ni Kaizer.

I know that he’ll have a chance to recover from it. Matatagalan man ay naniniwala akong makakaalala siyang muli. Na babalik lahat ulit sa dati at maaalala na niya ang lahat. Maaalala na niya rin ako.

Kahit hindi ko nakakausap sila Tito Eleazar at Ate Anastasia abroad kasama si Kaizer ay alam kong mas mahirap ang sitwasyon nila…dahil pa’no pa sila na kasama ni Kaizer do’n. Just thinking of Kaizer asking who they are pained me a lot.

I poured my glass of drink at inisang tungga ko iyon. Maaalala niya rin ako. I told myself each shot I drink straight on my glass.

Tinungo ko ang madilim na gawi ng mini bar ng bahay namin malapit sa living area. Do’n ako uminom, nagmukmok at nagpakalasing habang pilit na inaalis sa isipan na nasasaktan ako sa mga nangyayari para sa kaniya.

What if, if I just let him decide for us? Hindi kaya mangyayari sa kaniya ’to? If I just fight with him enough, makakalimutan at mawawala ba ako sa alaala niya?

Fuck, I’m being such a jerk wasted hopeless man here. I love Kaizer, so fucking much. But I know what is right! And that fucking right is to set him free and by moving on from him.

Pero tang ina naman! Kung makakalimutan lang din niya pala ako, sana nilubos ko nang makasama siya. E’di sana hindi sa kaniya nangyari ’to. E’di sana…

Damn! Neil what is happening to you?! You shouldn’t think this way! Ginawa mo ang lahat ng makakaya mo para gawin ang kung anong alam mong mas makakabuti sa inyong dalawa. Kaya huwag na huwag mong makuhang pagsisihan ang mga iyon dahil para iyon sa inyong pareho. Para iyon sa pamilyang sinubukan mong hindi masira kapalit ng kagustuhan mong siya ang makasama.

I really just can’t get over how painful this night was for me. The night that I let myself be drowned by liquor. I feel like broken glass. Tearing and breaking into small pieces in so many downfalls. Hindi ko lubos na matanggap na nakalimutan na ako ni Kaizer. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko sa katotohanang baka hindi talaga kami para sa isa’t isa.

That it’s all now happening because fate making his way for us to finally get over it. That this might be the change, the inevitable one to completely start a new life excluding the past we absurdly made.

“Son of a bitch– Fuck, you’re drunk!”

I familiarized Rhadmus voice beside me from afar. Hindi ko siya nilingon at nagpatuloy lang sa pagsalin ng alak sa aking baso. But then I pause when he suddenly pulled the bottle of hard liquor I’m drinking. Tinungga ko na iyon dahil hindi na sapat ang pasalin salin ko sa aking baso. Masakit ang dibdib ko. Basa ang aking pisngi pero wala akong pakialam na makita ako ni Rhadmus sa ganitong postura.

“Give it to me Rhadmus! I said give it back,” I warned him darkly.

I attempt to reach his way beside me sitting on the stool. I reach his hand’s way where my bottle is in. Our place was dim and even I can’t see him clearly, I know what he is doing.

Inilayo niya sa akin ang bote at pilit ko naman iyong inaabot.

“No, lasing ka na. Stop drinking. Bumalik na tayo sa kuwarto mo. Ihahatid kita.” Aniya sa matigas at malalim niyang boses.

Padarag ko naman siyang tinulak dahilan para muntikan siyang mahulog sa high chair. Sinubukan kong kuhanin ang bote ng alak pero masyado siyang malakas para ilayo iyon sa akin kaya hindi rin ako nagtagumpay.

“Ano ba Rhadmus?! Putang ina! Ayaw mong ibigay? Huh?! Then don’t! Fuck! Damn it!” Nanggagalaiti kong sigaw sa kaniya, nahihibang na sa sobrang prustrasyong nararamdaman.

Hinampas ko ng dalawa kong kamay ang counter table. Mabilis ang kalabog ng puso ko at naghahabol ako ng hininga sa sobrang galit. Malalim akong napalunok.

Then slowly my eyes watered. “Tang ina! Kaizer bakit mo ako kinalimutan? Bakit kailangang mawala ako sa mundo niyo? Why does it have to happen this way?!” Wasak ang pusok kong sigaw nang hindi ko na kaya pang kimkimin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Nag-init ang mga mata kong napupuno na ngayon muli ng panibagong mga luha. Umawang ang aking bibig pagkaraan sa sobrang sakit na katotohanang nawala na ang mga Arcoiris sa akin. Kahit pa ang taong pinakamamahal ko ng sobra. He’s now out of my reach…

Naramdaman kong magsalin si Rhad ng alak sa basong gamit ko kanina. Hindi ko siya nilingon at hinayaang gawin ang gusto niya. Wala na akong pakialam kahit pa marining niya ang mga litanya ko.

He put the glass beside my hand that is on the table matapos niya iyong salinan. He didn’t say anything na para bang pinapakiramdaman nalang ako sa mga oras na ito matapos kong sumigaw. Kinuha ko naman ang basong sinalinan niya ng alak at saka iyon inisang tungga.

Agad niya iyong sinalinang muli at inilagay sa aking harapan. I drink it again like I’m some shit. Kung kanina ay inagaw pa niya sa akin alak, ngayon naman ay siya pa mismo ang nagsasalin niyon para sa akin. I feel dizzy and my body gets numb as I drink another shot he was giving me a couple of times now. But the excruciating pain in my heart never leaves me.

“Ano? Tapos ka na bang magpakalasing? O gusto mo pa ng isang bote? Just tell me, I’ll get you some,” Rhadmus muttered darkly beside me.

I gritted my teeth. Inignora ko lang ang kaniyang tanong. Nakasandal ngayon ang noo ko sa aking kamay na nakapatong sa lamesa. Lasing na ako at ramdam kong mas lalo lang akong nanghina.

“K-Kapag may bago bang dumating sa buhay mo Rhad, aalisin mo na yung nakaraan? Papalitan mo na yung luma at nakasanayan mo?” Mayamaya ay tanong ko sa kaniya sa namamaos kong boses.

Wala na akong lakas at liyo na ako sa alak. I’m totally drunk but I know what I’m doing. I remain my eyes glancing at my glass while my heart dwells in pain.

Hindi siya nagsalita.

“Answer me, Rhad. If a new world came to offer you shelter and new life, will you abandon the old one? Is it really possible na kahit gaano katagal ang pinagsamahan niyo, it will not gonna matter if you commit a mistake that they can never acknowledge? Huh? Rhad tell me!” Nanlulumo kong sigaw sa kaniya dahil ako mismo sa sarili ko ay hindi ko matanggap ang sariling sagot.

Naramdaman kong lumandas ang mainit na tubig sa aking pisngi nang mariin akong pumikit. I clenched my jaw as I looked away from Rhadmus’s serious glares at me. Pinunasan ko ang luhang namalisbis sa aking pisngi at saka malakas na bumuntong hininga pagkaraan. Wala akong narinig sa kaniya na kahit ano at hinayaan lang akong magsalita.

“Dapat nga masaya na akong nakalimutan niya ako. I shouldn’t be wasted like this. He better forgot everything…dahil marapat lang na makalimutan niya ang mga alaalang hindi naman dapat nabuo. D-Dapat lang na makalimutan niya na ako…” My voice broke as my tears rolled down my cheeks, and this time it’s unstoppable.

I grim my lips as I let him see my vulnerable side…my weaker and broken side. Hindi ko hinayaang lumikha ako ng mumunting hikbi kahit pa hirap na hirap na yung puso ko. My shoulders tremble as I gasped in so much uneasiness.

Nilingon ko si Rhadmus sa aking tabi kalaunan. Kahit pa madilim ay nakikita ko ang mariin at seryoso niyang ekspresyon. Nakikita ko ang awa na lumandas sa kaniyang mga mata na makita akong luhaan. Like he knew everything I’m going through at the moment.

I blinked in hopelessness as I remained staring at him vulnerably with my eyes obfuscate by tears.

“He has to forget me, Rhad. K-Kaizer has to forget m-me.” My voice broke in raucousness as I said that to him. Para akong bata na nagsusumbong sa kaniya tungkol sa isang bagay na hindi naman niya alam.

Pero kahit na gano’n ay mabilis niya akong hinapit at binalot ng kaniyang mga yakap. I didn’t move. I just let my face burried on his neck as my tears flowed on my cheeks vastly. Nanginginig ang aking mga labi habang ang dalawa kong balikat ay bagsak na nakasandig sa kaniyang katawan habang mahigpit niya akong niyayapos ng kaniyang mga yakap.

“Dapat na niya akong m-makalimutan Rhad. I deserve to be out of his memory, I-I deserve it…” I muffled on his neck huskily strained.

“Shh, it’s all right baby. That’s alright.” He muttered with his deep large voice while his hand brushing my back.

Iniyupos ko naman ang dalawang pagod kong braso sa kaniyang bewang patungo sa kaniyang likuran. I embrace him back tightly. Then I gripped the side of his shirt like I was so torn to what I just said.

I feel scorn by myself. Every tear brewing in my face, tore my heart into pieces…losing more its single portions in desertedness because I lost the most important piece of me… Kaizer.

Ilang saglit kaming nanatili sa gano’ng posisyon. Mahigpit ang yakap ko kay Rhadmus na para bang takot na takot ako. Hindi naman siya umapila at niyakap lang din ako ng mahigpit pabalik.

He didn’t say anything. He let my sobs and tears damp the neckline of his shirt as I let my agonies subside even just for tonight. At nang mahimasmasan ako matapos ng ilang minuto sa pag-iyak ay marahan akong humiwalay sa kaniya.

Namumungay ang mga mata kong tiningnan siya. His eyes were in dim of menace, jaw clenching, and lips in a tiny grim line. I stare at his face for a while as I gazed at his every part of him.

“Let me take you inside your room. Get up,” malamig niyang ani sa akin sa namamaos na boses.

Bumaba siya ng high chair at hinawakan ang braso ko para alalayan ako. Tinitigan ko pa siya ng ilang saglit bago ko hinayaan ang sariling magpaakay sa kaniya patayo.

Bumaba ako ng high chair. He puts my right hand clung on his nape. I was about to walk when he swiftly scooped my legs and carry me upstairs.

Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya. But my head is already spinning that I can’t even protest. I feel so numb and so weak that even pushing him away, I can’t.

Hinayaan ko siyang dalhin ako sa aking silid. Nakapikit ang aking mga mata nang marinig kong buksan niya ang pintuan ng aking kuwarto. At pagkaraan ay naramdaman ko nalang na marahan niya akong ihiga sa kama.

Hindi ako nagmulat ng aking mga mata. I felt the side of my bed sank as I felt something at the top of me. Naramdaman ko ang katawan ni Rhad na nakadagan sa aking ibabaw habang nakatukod ang isa nitong siko sa kabilang gilid ko.

And when I felt a hot breath touches my chin, I slowly opened my eyes to see him. Madilim ang loob ng aking silid. Nahihilo at masakit ang aking ulo. Pero kahit na malabo ang aking paningin ay alam kong si Rhad itong nakapatong sa akin.

His menacing eyes dutched on me. His jaw was moving while his lips were in a tight grim line.

“A-Anong ginagawa mo-” I strived to ask him but my words curtailed.

He sealed my phrases with his lips the reason why my phrases halted. Siniil niya ako ng halik. Naramdaman kong hawakan niya ang aking panga at mas halikan ako sa malamyos na paraan.

I didn’t respond…at first. But when his tongue glided my grim lips and defeated my guards, I lost it. I kissed him back…gently with the waves of motion of his kisses on me.

My eyes were shut and my head spinning. Marahan ko siyang hinalikan pabablik habang ang kaniyang mga labi ay unti unting pinanghihina ang aking kalamnan.

“Mi Arcus, I will never forget you. Always remember that. I will never…forget about us.” Kaizer’s deep huge voice came in my ear.

Dahil do’n ay marahan kong iminulat ang aking namumungay na mga mata. Nakita ko si Kaizer na nakapatong sa akin ngayon at mariing nakatingin ang mga mata sa akin ng tuwid. His lips were red. His aristocrat nose reaching mine while his deep-set eyes narrowed on me.

I felt his breath reach my chin. “Kaizer…” I muttered softly. Hindi ko alam kung totoo bang siya ang nakikita kong nakapaibabaw sa akin ngayon. But I’m much overwhelmed and beyond my emotions of missing him so much.

He smirked at me languidly. Kahit na madilim ang aking silid ay hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. It’s him. My Kaizer…

“Hey, Mi Arcus,” he then said huskily again. Damn, I missed his raucous voice.

Napakurap ako at malalim na napalunok. Pinagmasdan ko pa siyang muli ng ilang sandali para kumpirmahing siya nga iyon. At nang hindi ako nagkamali ay naramdaman kong may bumara sa likuran ng aking lalamunan. Nag-init muli ang aking mga mata at nasasaktan siyang tiningnan.

“N-Nakalimutan mo na ’ko Kaizer. You forgot me already-”

“Shh, baby I’m not. You’ll be forever in my heart. You will always be here,” he suddenly mumbled under his breath then pointed to his chest where his heart was located.

Napakurap ako. Dumaloy muli ang munting luha sa aking pisngi na hindi na napagod sa pagbuhos.

“And I know that I will always be there too,” dagdag niya pang muli at itinuro kung nasaan ang aking puso.

His serious deep eyes from my chest slowly crawled to mine until our eyes met again. We started to each other for a while. I missed him. His handsome rugged fallen angel features. His tiny no-filter sultry lips, I missed kissing it. I missed every bit of him.

And when he tilted his head and slowly attain my lips, I kissed him back. Hungrily and in so much longing for his kisses. I squeezed his bicep like I want to kissed him deeper. My other hand crawled on his shoulder until it reaches the back of his head.

My fingers tightly grasp his hair and pulled him down on me. Burying him more to my brims. I suck and bit his lips and tongue like how he did it to me the same way.

Damn, I miss him. So bad.

Wala na ako sa sarili ko nang gabing iyon. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay nandito na si Kaizer…na hindi niya ako nagawang makalimutan.

The next morning I woke up I was shirtless. Kinusot ko ang aking mga mata at bahagyang mariin na napapikit nang maramdaman ang pananakit ng aking ulo. I pulled out the blanket that covering my lower body. I am expecting myself to be fully naked but I was a bit stunned to see that I’m wearing my boxer brief.

Wait… What just happened to me last night?

Kaizer… Kaizer is here?! Napabalikwas ako sa aking kama at mariing napapikit muli ng sumakit ang aking ulo. Fuck.

“Good night Neil,” Rhadmus said to me after he gave me another peck of kiss on my lips last night.

What the fuck?! Napakapit ako sa comforter ng aking kama nang sumagi sa aking isipan ang alaala na iyon kagabi. It was Rhadmus… Shit no,

And my thoughts last night… I was kissing Kaizer, passionately. But… Rhadmus’s voice sinks into my hearing. At wala naman talaga si…

“Kaizer? Kaizer?!” Sigaw ko habang nililibot ng aking paningin ang aking bukng silid dahil imposibleng narito nga siya kagabi.

Umiling ako sa sarili nang wala akong nakita na kahit anong bakas niya. Naramdaman kong panindigan ako ng balahibo habang ang mga mata ko ay naiwang windang sa mga alaalang rumagasa sa akin kagabi. I was drunk last night. I’m drunk and for Pete’s sake, I believe I am kissing Kaizer! And now that the memories of last night dawned on me right now, I’m starting to realize that it was Rhadmus I am kissing.

Fuck, this is not happening.

Ipinatong ko ang aking dalawang siko sa aking magkabilang tuhod nang makaupo ako sa aking kama. Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha sa prustasyong nararamdaman ko ngayon.

No. This can’t be happening. It was Kaizer I’m kissing hungrily last night. I may not be in my sanity and rational but I know it was really him! His kisses…he was so good and he didn’t change. I know it’s him…

But he’s abroad. Kaizer is abroad and he can’t even recognize me anymore… He has amnesia…

Tinungo ko ang bathroom at binuhay ang rainshower. Isinandig ko ang aking noo sa malamig na tile ng bathroom at mariiing napapikit. Hinayaang ko ang malamig na tubig na rumagasa sa aking katawan.

Rhadmus… What the hell did you just do?

Malakas kong sinuntok ang tile na pader ng bathroom nang maalala ko kung paano ko siyang hinalikan kagabi. Habol ko ang aking hininga habang nag-iinit ang aking mga mata.

He kissed me. Rhadmus kissed me and I…kiss him back-

“Fuck! Tang ina,” nanghina ako sa huling salita na binitiwan ko.

I’m trying to cope with my life at this point. I’m fucking trying to make things right despite the mistakes I committed before. But what just the hell happened last night?!

I’m making everything aggravated for me. For other people around me. I’m such a disgrace to the family. Maybe Kelsy is right, I might be really a pest.

Umalis ako ng bahay nang hindi nililingon si Nics at Pierce na naabutan kong patungo ng dining room pagkababa ko ng hagdan.

“Good morning Kuya,” Nics greeted me when my foot reaches the ground floor.

I didn’t take a glance at her. Nilagpasan ko lang siya at gano’n din si Pierce na napakunot nang noo sa akin.

“Neil, where you going? Hey!” I heard Pierce’s baritone voice calling me out but I didn’t dare of looking back cuz I have something important to do.

Tinungo ko ang sasakyan ko sa garahe at nagmamadali ko iyong minaneho paalis ng bahay. Hindi ko pinansin si Pierce na mukhang sinundan pa ako ng tingin hanggang sa garahe ng bahay palabas ng gate namin.

I drove as fast as I can when I got on the road. Rhadmus is not in the house. After I took my bath ay tinungo ko agad ang guestroom na pinagtulugan niya kagabi he’s not there anymore.

I’m furious. My hands were shaking while my breathing heave in so much anger for him. I have to talk to him. I need to confront him. If he thinks that what happened last night was just an accident, fuck him! He’s really a motherfucker son of a bitch!

Tang ina. I’m not numb at mas lalong hindi ako estupido. He’s crazy. He probably out of his mind.

I parked my car outside of his house when I reach his place. I hurriedly went out and slammed the door of my car as I shut it. Tinungo ko ang gate ng kaniyang bahay at walang tigil kong pinagpipindot ang doorbell sa kaniyang gate. Hindi ako tumigil sa pagpindot hangga’t walang nagbubukas ng gate para sa akin. Hindi ako tumigil sa pag-doorbell hangga’t hindi ko nasisira ito at nakakausap ang putang inang ’yan.

His house was a bit far from our house at kung lalakarin mo ay malayo layo rin. Nakapunta na ako rito ng ilang beses kasama sila Enzo noon, pero ngayon pa lang ako pupunta rito ng mag-isa…sa bahay niya.

Balak ko na sanang kalampagin ang malaking gate ng kaniyang bahay nang makailang minuto na ang lumipas ay wala pa ring lumalabas para pagbuksan ako. But when the single gate open, my eyes immediately locked on the person who opened it.

He’s topless, and only wearing his maong pants. His hair was pretty messed up. Seryoso at matalim naman ang mga mata nitong agad na sumalubong sa akin.

Napakuyom ako ng kamao ko. I gritted my teeth in so much outrage for him.

“What do you need?” Rhadmus asked me humidly.

I walked near him. And without saying anything I straightly punched his face. Natigilan naman siya at napaatras sa ginawa ko. His face was facing the side now as he holds his jaw where my fist hit him massively.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng gate na binuksan niya kanina at matalim siyang tiningnan kahit pa nananatili pa rin niya akong hindi binabalingan mula sa pagkakasapak ko sa kaniya.

I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth as my eyes sharply killing him now.

“Fuck off Rhadmus. Just fucking fuck off.”

Kabanata 15

A/N: Sorry for the late update. I have been so busy doing my schoolwork these past few days even at the moment as well. Hope you reader/s understand this kind of inconvenience. Btw, thank you so much for reading/ waiting this far! I’m reading your comments and it helps me a lot…it uplifts me to continue this journey:) So here is the new KABANATA I prepared for tonight.

Enjoy reading…

Kabanata 15

Mistake

Habol ko ang aking hininga habang mariin siyang tinitingnan sa sobrang galit. Nag-aalab ang dibdib ko sa nararamdaman kong galit para sa kaniya. It’s pushing me to my limits that killing him right now is not impossible.

He then shook his head in disbelief while his eyes weren’t facing my way…remain glaring at the ground in gravel. Then he turned his head on me with his eyes in grave and menace when he seems to cope with what just I did.

He smirks humorlessly. “What are you saying-”

I instantly pushed him when I can’t take my anger under my control. Napaatras naman siya sa ginawa kong pagtulak at dahilan para matigilan siya sa kaniyang sasabihin.

“I’m not playing dumb here Rhadmus! So stop fiddling with me. Anong akala mo sa akin, tanga? Gago!” I was about to hit him again when he stopped me this time.

He holds my right fist tightly, halting me from hitting him once again. Mas lalo namang kumulo ang dugo ko sa ginawa niyang paghawak sa akin. He then after, took steps near me as his face slowly get neared me that driven me up the wall.

Agad ko naman siyang matalim na tiningnan sa mga mata. “Bitawan mo ako,” I muttered at him threateningly with my voice in deep.

I harshly grit my teeth. He just stared at me humidly with his jaw clenching intensely. Mas nadedepina ito sa bawat paglapit ng kaniyang mukha sa akin. Mabilis ang aking paghinga dahil sa sobrang galit na nararamdaman ko habang siya ay seryoso at mariin ang mga titig na ipinupukol sa akin ngayon.

Namalayan kong humakbang siya sa akin palapit habang ang kaniyang kamay ay mariin pa ring gapos ang aking kamao. Hindi naman ako umatras at mas lalo lang tumalas ang malapunyal kong mga titig na nakatuon sa kaniya. At nang halos isang pulgada na lamang ang pagitan ng aming mga katawan at mukha sa isa’t isa, ay marahas kong binawi ang kanan kong kamay na kanina niya pang mahigpit na pinipigilan sa pagsuntok sa kaniyang mukha.

But he didn’t let me. My eyes widen a fraction and my lips tightened in a harsh grim. Bahagyang nagulantang ako ron, dahilan para mabilis kong sulyapan ang kamao kong mahigpit na sinasakop ng malapad niyang mga palad. Hindi ko maalis ang kamao ko dahil mas lalo niyang hinihigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa bawat pagtangka kong pag-aklas. I twitched my lips in so much frustration. Fuck.

Mas lalo ko tuloy naramdam ang nag-uumapaw kong galit para sa kaniya. My brows were in raged while my eyes narrowing on him to death when I began to be frustrated by his grip on my hand.

“Bitiwan mo ako Rhadmus!”

“I won’t let you go. Pag-uusapan natin ’to.” He muttered to me indulgently.

His nose almost touching the tip of my nose when he said that. While his eyes almost frightened me in prudish. But I didn’t back off.

“Anong pag-uusapan? We have nothing to discuss here. Ang sa akin lang ay tumigil ka! Stop doing things you’ll regret later on!” I fired on him.

Naramdaman ko namang mas humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamao ko matapos ko iyong sabihin. Ang mga mata niya ay nag-aalab na ngayong nakatutok sa akin. Kung kanina ay seryoso pa siya at mukhang nagtitimpi, ngayon ay mukha na siyang naubusan ng pasensya sa akin. Even my glares are killing him right now, his narrowed eyes were already burying me in so much seriousness.

“What do you want me to stop on doing? Hmm? Tell me, Neil…tell me.” He growled gravely with his eyes remained narrowing me.

Halos magdikit ang aming mga noo sa sobrang lapit ng aming mga mukha sa isa’t isa. Habang parehong matalim at mariin ang aming mga tingin sa bawat isa. But I step back when I felt him move forward again this time. Napatingin ako sa ginawa niyang paghakbang.

“You know what I’m saying Rhad. Stop being so cocky here.” I said as I plaster an evil smirk after I lift my eyes back on him again.

Ngunit humakbang na naman siya dahilan para umatras akong muli. Pilit ko pa ring binabawi ang aking kanang kamay sa kaniya. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko itutuon ang atensyon ko, sa galit na nararamdaman ko ba, o sa kamay kong mahigpit niya pa ring hinahawakan o sa distansya ng aming mga katawan na nasakop na niyang lahat.

“You tell me, anong gusto mong tigilan ko? Hmm? Sabihin mo sa akin kung ano para tigilan ko,” ramdam ko ang hininga niyang tumatama sa aking baba nang sabihin niya iyon.

“Tigilan mo ako. I know what you’re up to,” Mariin at madilim ko sa kaniyang ani.

Hindi naman siya natinag. He took another step which makes me step back again so our faces won’t touch.

Mariing umigting ang kaniyang panga. “Bakit kita titigilan… I’m not doing anything wrong to you.” His dark voice became husky this time.

Napaatras naman akong muli, cuz this time, his steps were continuous. “Wala pa akong ginagawang masama sa’yo.”

“Screw you! What about last night? What do you think you did?!”

He smirked evilly. And when I felt him took another step ay aamba na sana akong muli sa pag-atras nang bigla at marahas niya akong tinulak sa gate na hindi ko napansing wala na pala akong aatrasan pa.

He pushed me to the gate and my back bump on it that caused a loud bang. I winced as I arched my back and groaned when I felt it hurts me by his sudden shove.

At saka niya mabilis na inalis ang pagkakahawak sa kamao ko para hulihin ang palapulsuhan ko. Then he pinned my right hand against the wall of the gate. I was catching my breath at what he just did. I can feel his vitality but more than that, I can feel the tension between us that began to grow more. Our bodies touched as our faces almost kissed. We’re too close to each other.

At nang mag-angat ako sa kaniya ng tingin ay sumalubong sa akin ang mala-demonyo niyang mga mata. Malalim akong napalunok. Nakasandig ako ngayon sa gate habang siya ay mariin akong pinupukulan ng matalim at malamig niyang mga tingin. And when his gazes went down on my parted lips, he spoke.

“What I did last night. Hmm, it makes sense now. So you remember-”

“Fuck you! I know you are a pervert just like Pierce but I didn’t know that you’re this kind of lunatic-” Natigil ako sa sinasabi ko nang sakmalin niya ako sa panga.

His narrowed dim eyes remained on my lips as they parted by his grip on my jaw. Mahigpit ko namang hinawakan ang palapulsuhan ng kanang kamay niyang gumagapos sa aking panga para alisin iyon.

“I’m a perv, I admit. But only to you now.”

“Tang ina mo! Bitiwan mo’kong gago ka!” I muffledly uttered because of his clasp on my jaw.

Nag-angat siya sa akin ng tingin mula sa aking magkaparte na labi. Then I felt his thumb tracing my bottom lip this time. Hindi naman ako nakaprotesta dahil sa lakas at tigas ng kaniyang katawan na pinipigilan ako sa paggalaw.

I tried to move my head on the other side so I can avoid his index finger from touching my lips.

“You want me to stop? Then I won’t.”

“Ano ba Rhadmus! Bitiwan mo ako sabi! Tang ina!”

“You know me well, right? I let someone go if it conforms to what I want.” He muttered like an evil.

“Fuck you! I’m not some kind of your slaves in the office neither your wardens! You can’t just fucking dictate me!” I exclaimed in outrage.

Hinarap naman niya ang mukha ko sa kaniya ngayon dahil sa ginagawa kong pag-iwas sa kaniyang paghaplos sa aking labi. His eyes were flaming in rage as well as it bores on me.

“Rhadmus nasasaktan na ako! Bitiwan mo ako sabi-” my words cut off when he zipped my mouth with his aggressive lips.

I suddenly felt my body shocked by his sudden move. But thankfully I was that vigilant to shut my lips firmly. He kissed me on my lips and I can help but attempt to slip away from it. I grim my lips tightly when his mouth became like a wild lion in the forest, later on, biting and slaughtering my prey lips like it’s his delightful meal.

I can’t breathe. His kisses were aggressive and intense. I tried to push him away but he was so strong that I get weaker and weaker each second his hand squeezed my pinned right wrist on the gate firmly as he kissed me impulsively. Including his huge veiny hand that is gripping my jaw violently.

“R-Rhadmus bitiwan mo ako! T-Tumigil k-ka! I said stop!” I scream straightaway, getting frightened each second passed with him doing this thing on me.

Because his lips went on my cheeks then down to my neck. Preying me by his forceful kisses. It was violent and impulsive that it makes me feel how oppressive he was.

Hinawakan niya ang kaliwa kong kamay na sinusubukan siyang itulak. He also pinned it on the gate, higher than my head’s reach, leaving my jaw droop by his aggressive lips.

Marahas kong sinusubukang umiwas sa bawat halik niya sa aking leeg. Even though I feel his strength that dominants me, I still strive to get away from him. But when I felt him bite me near the edge of my jaw below my earlobes, I groaned hardly. Damn it!

Habol ko ang aking hininga. Mabilis ang kalabog ng aking dibdib at halos mabingi ako sa nag-uumalpas na pagpintig ng aking puso sa bawat dampi ng mapusok niyang mga labi.

“Rhadmus spare me! Fucking spare me to this! P-Please!” I beg him dahil hindi ko na halos maramdaman ang sarili ko sa pamamanhid.

But he didn’t listen to me. He just continued kissing and sucking my neck like it’s his bountiful meat. I arched my neck on the other side as I hardly tried to avoid it.

And when his mouth slowly kissed me back on my lips again, I swayed my head to get off his dirty lips. But he’s too tough that his kisses were so vital and dictatorial. At nang hindi na ako nakawala pa sa kaniyang mga halik ay naramdaman kong pilit niyang pinapatumba ang aking mga labing parang bato na mariing nakatimpi.

No. I won’t let my guards down for him. I won’t let him entered my mouth… But I was wrong.

“Ahh!” I groaned harshly and parted my lips automatically to release the pain he just causes me.

He bites my lips! Fuck him!

And there where he took advantage of me. He sucked my bottom lip and slid his slaughter tongue inside my mouth.

I can’t help but groan when his kisses became deeper and forceful this time. Ang kaninang dalawang kamao kong mariin na nakakuyom at pilit na kumakawala mula sa pagkakapako ng kaniyang mga kamay ay ngayo’y nag-uumpisa ng manghina. My knees weaken as my breath pause… as I kissed him back this time.

I bit his lips as well when I can’t take how good he was. I sucked his tongue and slowly I felt him unguarded my pinned hand wrists at the gate. Naramdaman kong marahan niyang bitiwan ang aking palapulsuhan. At namalayan ko nalang na hawakan niya ang aking baywang at mariin akong hinapit palapit sa kaniyang katawan. While his other hand held my jaw lightly at this point.

He finally get me. He frankly made me come after what he is up to, and that is to fall by his trap.

My eyes were shut as I kissed him back. I don’t know what I’m doing right now but all I know is that it feels like it was Kaizer who is kissing me. His lips were conducive…it’s comforting and welcoming.

I gripped his biceps. His exposed arms were tense as I grasp it for more. Kung kanina ay mariin akong nakasandig sa gate, this time I am no longer.

I pulled Rhadmus arm, habang ang isa kong kamay ay parang ahas na mabilis gumapang papunta sa kaniyang batok. I felt him bit me again, and it eager me to put my hand on his back from his nape. At nang kagatin niyang muli ang pang-ibabang labi ko ay hindi ko na napigilan ang mga kuko kong bumaon sa kaniyang likuran.

I felt it submerge on his back like a digging dagger. My nails weren’t long but I felt it rake at his fathomly. He kissed me more in so much hunger this time. And I fought back to his kisses, equally…in the same intensity.

“R-Rhad…” I groaned when I felt his hand at the back of my waist, tracing circles and galaxies.

His topless and his abs were scraping my abdomen. And when I felt him pinned me at the gate with his massive body once again, I didn’t protest.

But when I realize that he pushed me back on the gates, he suddenly removes himself from our intense kiss. I was panting and catching my breath when our lips divide.

Isinandig naman niya ang kaniyang noo sa aking balikat. I saw how his shoulder move like he’s breathing heavily too. Napakurap ako at nag-iwas nang tingin nang matanto kung ano ang nangyari. What the fuck.

I pushed Rhadmus away as I felt my body froze. What did I just do? Darn it!

Lumayo naman sa akin si Rhadmus sa akin ngayon. His eyes darted on me again with the same intensity of gravel he was pointing at me a while ago.

I shook my head at him. “No. Stop. Don’t come near me.” I muttered as I breathe heavily, scrutinizing what we just did.

I even lift my hand leveling on his chest to stop him from coming nearer. Hindi naman siya nagpatinag at hinayaan ang kaniyang dibdib na sumalubong sa isang kamay kong pinipigilan siya sa paglapit.

“I will not stop Neil. I won’t stop…”

Napayuko ako at naramdaman kong mamasa ang aking mga mata. Hindi siya tuluyang nakalapit sa akin dahil sa kamay kong pumupigil sa kaniyang dibdib.

“You kissed me-” I cutted him off.

“I’m not!”

“You kissed me back Neil Irish!” He roared this time with his thunderous voice.

Naluluha naman akong nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin at sinalubong ang matalim niyang mga mata.

Umiling ako. “I-I didn’t. It was a mistake. I screw up. So stop it Rhad, tigilan mo ako-”

“And why the fuck would I? Now that I tasted your lips, you think there’s something that will go to stop me? Nothing,” He gravely said with his eyes alluring me in seriousness.

Napasinghap ako at malalim na napalunok. I removed my hand from his chest. Aalis na ako. Mukhang mali na nagtungo pa ako rito para kumprontahin siya sa nangyari kagabi. So stupid of me to think that he’ll stop it once I confronted him about it. It’s just a kiss. What happened last night was just a kiss and I should have just ignored it so this not happened.

I’m already done with this phase. I’m already finished with this stupid mistake.  But why the heck do I always make things worst?! I should have think better!

“And where you think you are going? Huh?” Rhadmus said gravely on me when I turn my back on him to get out of this place.

Ngunit mabilis niyang hinarangan ang gate na bubuksan ko palang sana palabas. I didn’t take a glance at him. I just clenched my jaw, controlling myself so I can’t make this worst than it is right now. Dimwit!

“I thought you’ll gonna stop me? But now you’re leaving?”

“Rhadmus mali yung ginawa mo! I’m your cousin for goodness sake! I’m a man and you are too! So where the hell on earth you’ll kiss me that forceful?!” I blast when my past flashed at the back of my head like a lightning.

Hindi siya umimik at seryoso lang akong tinitigan. Umiling ako sa kaniya, hindi makapaniwala sa nangyayari sa amin ngayon.

“You know what? I’m here to said to you that what happened last night. That stupid kiss…means nothing! And the hell are you to did that to me again. You’re taking advantage of me last night cuz I’m drunk! Tapos ngayon, ano? Anong gusto mong palabasin?!” Napupuyos kong sigaw sa kaniya.

He remained stoic and glaring at me narrowingly. I let a very frustrated sigh as he seems to watch me letting out my burdens.

“Tang ina Rhad. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako tapos gaganituhin mo pa ako?! Tang ina,” nag-iwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin nang manginig ang boses ko.

I flickered to stop my eyes from making tears. I bit my lower lips as I shook my head in so much disappointment to myself. I don’ want my past to happen again. Not again.

“I’m sorry,” I heard him said raucously.

Hindi ako nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin at nanatiling nakapako ang aking mga mata sa simento.

“We are cousins Rhad… We are cousins. We are men… We are…not like this.” I said weakly almost under my breath.

Naramdaman ko naman siyang lapitan ako at hawakan ang aking braso. But I immediately pulled my hands off him.

“I said we’re cousins and both men Rhad! So don’t you fucking touch me!”

“But that doesn’t mean it will stop me from liking you.”

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi ako makapaniwala siyang tiningnan sa mga mata niyang malalim at seryosong nakatitig sa akin ngayon.

“I like you, Neil. More than what you can think.” He said it seriously. Like his massive about his statement and no one can oppose to it.

Napaatras ako. I blinked…then slowly, I shake my head off.

“Y-You’re crazy-”

“Yes, I am if it means of liking you.”

“Rhadmus nababaliw ka na ba?! Naririnig mo ba ’yang mga sinasabi mo?!” Naghihisterya ko ng tanong sa kaniya dahil sa mga sinasabi niya sa akin ngayon. He shouldn’t say these things.

I saw his jaw clenched. “I have never been this crazy to anyone. So if you think that I’m out of my mind. Then fucking blame yourself.”

Napasinghap ako. “Sarili ko pa ngayon ang sisihin ko? Nahihibang ka na ba-”

“Oo! I’m freaking crazy over you! So if you asked me to stop, don’t bother. Dahil hindi iyon mangyayari. I like you, Neil Irish. I fucking like you-” I punched him on the face once and again, eventually.

Umaalon ang dibdib kong matalim na nakatingin sa kaniya ngayon matapos kong gawin iyon. Mabilis naman siyang nakabawi mula sa pagkakasapak ko sa kaniya. Ang madilim niyang mga mata ay diretsong nagbalik sa akin ng tingin.

“Isang sapak mo pa sa’kin sisiguraduhin kong sa loob na ng bahay ko ikaw tutumba. Ano? Try to hit me again and you’ll see what you are finding.” He threatened me.

“Aalis na ako! Get out on my way! Let me just fucking leave this disgusting place!”

“Hindi ka pa pwedeng umalis! You’re standing inside my property. Which means my rules, my command, and you’ll follow everything I will say.” Aniya na mabilis akong hinarangan palabas ng gate.

Napaatras naman ako agad dahil sa ginawa niyang pagharang at pahisteryang sumigaw. Tang ina!

“What…do…you…want?! I don’t like you Rhadmus! Kaya pwede ba?! Let me just fucking go! Goddamnit!”

Nagngingitngit sa sobrang galit ang aking mga ngipin habang pinapatay siya ng bawat kong mga tingin. Naging mabigat din ang aking bawat paghinga. Hindi naman siya natinag. Hinuli niya ang aking palapulsuhan at walang sali-salita ay sapilitan niya akong kinaladkad papasok sa loob ng kaniyang bahay.

“Sabing bitiwan mo ako Rhadmus! Ano ba!” Sigaw ko dahil nadadala niya ako sa malakas niyang paghatak sa akin. Ngunit tuloy tuloy lamang siya sa pagkaladkad sa akin na para bang hindi ako naririnig.

“Tang ina mo Rhadmus! Paalisin mo na ako rito!” Eksaherada kong sigaw nang tuluyan na niya akong maipasok sa loob at maisarado ang pintuan ng kaniyang bahay.

“You’ll stay here. Mag-uusap pa tayo.” Malamig ang boses niyang sinabi.

Agad niya rin akong tinalikuran at naglakad siya patungong sala. Hinarap ko naman ang malaking pintuan para tangkaing makakalabas na ako para makalayo na sa kaniya ng tuluyan. Ngunit nang pihitin ko ang seradura ng pintuan ay hindi ko insahang hindi ko iyon mabuksan!

“You’re inside my house. Have you forgotten? Everything here is under my control. If I were you, I’ll behave like a tamed kid.” Aniya sa akin na nananatili pa ring nakatalikod sa aking gawi.

Naiinis ko naman siyang binalingan. His house was all under his voice command. And including his front door! Damn it!

“Rhadmus ano bang dapat pa nating pag-usapan? Can’t you just let me go and take it to yourself whatever you want us to manage?!”

Hindi niya pa rin ako hinarap. Nagpatuloy siya sa paglalakad sa salas ng bahay patungo sa malaking hagdanan. Nanggagalaiti naman akong humabol para sumunod sa kaniya.

“Kapag hindi mo ako pinaalis ngayon din ay titiyakin kong malalaman ni Enzo ang mga pinaggagagawa mo sa’kin! I will tell Papa, Lola Ophelia, and even your Mom! I will tell Tita Stella and Tito Leonard about-”

“Shut up! Mas lalo mo lang akong binibigyan ng ideya na huwag kang palabasin.” He shut me off.

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi niya. Umakyat siya ng hagdan at padabog naman akong humakbang para sundan siya sa itaas. He went to his room. Pumasok din ako sa loob.

“Fine! Ano bang gusto mo?!”

Hinarap niya na ako sa pagkakataong ito. “Sit on my bed,” he commanded to me as his hand pointing his huge bed.

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin. He shouldn’t be serious about this.

“I said sit on my bed, Neil Irish.”

“Don’t call me with my full name, motherfucker.” I hissed when I get so much annoyed with him each time he called me with my full name. Hindi naman ako naupo sa malaking kama niya at matalim lang siyang sinusundan ng tingin sa bawat galaw niya.

He went to his closet and I almost burst into so much frustration. Hindi ako sumunod sa kaniya ron dahil ayaw ko ng madagdagan pa ang pagkakamaling nagawa ko kanina kaya hinintay ko na lamang siyang makalabas ron. But after a few minutes of waiting ay hindi pa rin siya lumalabas. Nararamdaman ko pa rin ang pananakit ng aking ulo dahil sa hangover kagabi na halos hindi ko naramdaman kanina.

Kaya naman nang mangalay ako kakatayo ay tinungo ko ang isang sofa malayo sa kaniyang kama at do’n naupo. Hindi ako uupo sa kama niya, never. I massage my temple cuz I get weak and sleepy when I sat on the sofa. Sumandal ako sa backrest ng sofa at nang tumagal ay yumuko na ako sa armrest nito.

Kalaunan ay hindi ko namalayang nakatulugan ko na pala ang paghihintay kay Rhadmus. Nagising nalang ako na nakahiga na ako sa kaniyang kama. I roamed my eyes inside his master’s bedroom to check if he was still here. But instead of him, my eyes caught the wall clock.

Agad akong napabalikwas sa kama nang makita kung anong oras na. It’s already quarter to four in the afternoon! Fuck!

Lumabas ako ng kuwarto niya. I went downstairs at nagmamadaling binuksan ang pintuan palabas. Hindi naman na iyon naka-lock kaya nakalabas agad ako.

Pagkasakay ko ng sasakyan ko ay nakita kong nasa dashboard ang aking phone. Mainit ang loob ng sasakyan dahil nakabilad sa harapan ng gate sa kalsada. I get my phone to check it. Because I’m pretty sure that Nics is worried for me.

Kaya nang mabuhay ko ang aking cellphone ay hindi nga ako nagkamali. I was bombarded by lots of messages…but not from Nics.

Rhadmus:

I’m sorry I leave you inside my room. You’re asleep and I don’t intend to wake you up so I just leave right away.

Rhadmus:

I cooked you lunch. Just go to the dining room.

Rhadmus:

I’m in the office by the way, urgent…if you don’t mind me informing you.

Rhadmus:

And about what happened this morning and last night… We still have to talk about it.

Rhadmus:

I’m not yet done with you. Also, I’m not sorry about what happened.

Napatiim bagang ako sa kaniyang mga mensahe. Padarag kong hinagis sa dashboard ang aking phone sa sobrang galit na nararamdaman para sa kaniya.

Why can’t he understand it? We’re cousins and we have the same sex. He’s way older than me. Halos Kuya ko na siya. Matanda pa siya kay Enzo for Pete’s sake. Kaya’t ano at bakit niya nasasabi ang mga iyon?

Matagal na akong tapos sa pahinang ’to. I’m already done with it before with Kaizer. At hindi na ako kailan pa uulit.

Mistakes happened for us to learn. For us to grow and be better. But not to render another same stupid mistake as you had never learned from it.

I’m done with Kaizer. Now that he already forgot me. Mas mabuti na sigurong gano’n. We didn’t even have that good memory together though. And my cousins…they’ll probably be at peace with that.

At kung si Rhadmus naman ang papalit sa kaniya, I would rather take him…as a no. I’m with my new family. With my true family this time. At ang magkamali sa pagkakataong ito ay hindi lang makakasira sa pamilyang tunay na kinabibilangan ko. Kun’di maging ako, it will be ashamed and another self-disappointment to myself.

I have learned from my mistakes before. And repeating the same mistake itself won’t make any good for me at all.

It’s tarnished. Everything that I have with my family this time, will be put into dust once I make another misstep. Rhadmus is aged. He’s pretty old enough to get married to someone else.

And him thinking that he likes me, he’s probably out of his mind. Though I knew to myself that I’m just also playing dumb here with him. I know that there’s this special treatment he was perpetrating on me. And I acted so numbly in the past year dahil abala ako at walang oras para pabulaanan ang mga inaakto niya sa akin.

My mind was only preoccupied because of Kaizer. And now that he’s taking advantage of my situation, I now confirm what his real motive is.

Dumating ako sa bahay nang may seryoso at walang mababakas na kahit anong emosyon sa aking mukha. Hindi ko nakita si Nics marahil ay nasa labas kasama si Riz. Wala na rin si Pierce marahil ay umuwi na ng mansion dahil weekdays.

I went up straight to my room. Pabagsak akong nahiga sa aking kama at ibinaon ang mukha sa unan. What happened to me and Rhadmus last night was purely an accident. I was drunk. I wasn’t even able to open my eyes and see him clearly. And he’s the sane one… I don’t want to blame him but he really Is responsible for it.

He’s older than me. Siya ang mas nakakaalam kung ano ang mas tama at kung ano ang mali. At yung nangyari sa bahay niya kaninang umaga. Screw him! He’s such a jerk motherfucker hypocrite.

But still, I did kiss him! I did kiss Rhadmus because it feels like he’s Kaizer. I know that I’m being irrational and giving out of the blue reasoning but that’s how I felt it. Probably because I’m thinking too much of him in the past years that even kissing someone this time…felt and tastes like him.

I know that Kaizer is far more different from Rhad. But the feeling with him… I can’t deny how new it was to me. There is no spark but it feels nostalgic. And having that reason stuck in my head is now killing me. I know deeper to myself that this is wrong.

Whatever Rhad is doing right now, I assume it will not do any good for us. Not even the best…but maybe the worst.

Kabanata 16

Kabanata 16

I know

I feel like there are so many changes that happened. After that day, I ignore and avoided Rhadmus. He wasn’t on his sane. Saying that he likes me was a big deal for me. Especially that he said that in a very serious manner.

His forceful kiss…our kiss didn’t matter to me at all. It’s my mistake and I will admit that. It doesn’t have any meaning. It’s just a pure urge from my inner self that craving for Kaizer’s presence. And now that I realize what just I did. I screwed a lot.

I’m wrong. What I did is wrong. Dahil mas lalo ko lang pinakumplikado ang lahat para sa akin at sa pagitan namin ni Rhadmus. I kissed him because I see Kaizer in him. And it makes me more fucked up ’cuz I shouldn’t be thinking of him by now… It makes me feel more stupid because I shouldn’t just compare him to anyone else.

I forgot about Kaizer already. I really did. Simula nang magdesisyon akong maghiwalay na kami at kailangan niya ng tumalima sa kaniyang mga magulang patungong abroad, sinubukan ko na siyang alisin sa aking sistema.

And I believe that I accomplished that part. Because when my issue about my real identity as an adopted child was divulged, my mind began to veer to only focus on myself this time. I never think of him nor anybody else. But when I get to realize what will I’m gonna lose at the same time, I hardly tried to get my Acoiris cousins to trust me once again.

And now look what happened… It didn’t go well. Until the situation happened to Kaizer about his accident. It not only caught my attention…what happened to him made me return in the past I shouldn’t have brought back to regret. Because I’d settled and burried the string we had shared for a long while. And I know that my regrets won’t make any change in the current situation of grief at this point. By these all happen, I get anxious and preoccupied with what life is throwing on me.

I love Kaizer. That’s the truth…but it has to be ended. Especially now that fate seems to change our objective and paths to take, I don’t think that my heart will still be able to beat-

I reserved it only for him… That is what is engraved here in my mind…and here in my heart. But that doesn’t mean that there will be no other person who deserves to take that reservation ejects.

I moved on. In the past years of not having communication with any one of them -the Arcoiris’s, I still keep on moving forward. Kahit pa hindi na katulad ng dati ang lahat sa aming magpipinsan, I surpass that.

I had insomnia… I struggled with it with my anxiety. It’s all because I’m letting myself stuck at the place we’re moving forward isn’t a choice. I let myself drown in the thought of losing them all… That I’m afraid of not letting them out of my world… That having my new world is not that happy enough because they will be no them in there.

But I’m wrong. It’s not all about happiness. It’s not just all about what you want in life. It’s not because you’re scared of losing them. It’s not all about self-pity and blaming fate for having this kind of fucked-up life. It’s all about yourself peace. And believe me, it’s contentment and acceptance that will set you free from that ailment thoughts.

After that night and one chaotic morning with Rhadmus. I get to be contented. I know it’s fucking weird but I found peace at that between me and my cousin’s matters. Including Kaizer.

Pakiramdam ko ay nawala ang lahat ng problema at pag-aalalang nararamdaman ko para sa relasyon naming lahat na hindi ko magawa-gawang mabitawan. After that stupid kiss, I feel alive.

Probably because I’m now awake in my reality. That change tends to happen. Not only for the worst but to make you feel good again.

“Kuya Rhad is in the dining Kuya. Pinapatanong niya kung anong oras ka raw bababa for dinner. Because he cooked food for us tonight.” Nics said when she got inside my room.

Marahan niyang isinara ang pintuan ng aking silid at tinungo ang aking gawi sa study table. Hindi naman ako nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin dahil abala ako sa ginagawa kong slides sa laptop.

“My stomach is full Nics, thanks. Kayo nalang muna ang kumain.” Ani ko sa kapatid ko.

Tahimik naman siyang tumayo sa gilid ng aking lamesa nang makalapit siya sa aking gawi. Ramdam ko ang seryoso niyang mga tingin sa akin kahit pa hindi ko siya binabalingan.

“Is there a problem Kuya?” Maya-maya ay seryosong tanong sa akin ni Nics.

Natigilan naman ako sa aking ginagawa. My fingers paused for a while as I typed in my keyboard. Then I slowly turned my gaze on her.

“Huh? Nothing. I mean, no. There’s no problem here Nics.”

Pinanliitan naman niya ako ng mga tingin. “Kuya Rhad is cooking us dinner for almost a month. Is he sick? He has never been like this to me nor when Kuya Enzo was here before. He never cooked food for us unless I’m sick and Kuya Enzo wasn’t here to take care of me.”

Napakurap ako sa sinabi niya. Ilang saglit pa kaming nagkatitigan nang hindi ko magawang mabasa ang kung ano’ng ipinapahiwatig ng kaniyang mga mata. At kalaunan ay peke na lamang akong napangisi at mabilis na nag-iwas sa kaniya ng tingin. “He maybe is sick. O kaya baka naman ay…napag-utusan lang ni Enzo na ipagluto tayo palagi ng gabihan dahil alam mo na, wala si Manang ng halos isang buwan.” Alibay ko.

Naramdaman ko naman ang marahang pagtango niya sa aking tabi. “Maybe…but I know Kuya Rhad. He cannot be controlled. He’s a ruler. A bit oppressive and he always does things with purpose.”

I gape. Nics is a very great observer. And that is what I perceive from her since we’ve been together. And she’s right. Rhadmus is cannot be dictated nor controlled by anyone. He’s so rigorous and extremely critical to handle. Kaya hindi ko rin mabibigyan ng sapat na dahilan si Nics para paniwalain ko siya sa mga dahilan ko tungkol sa kabaliwang pinaggagawa ni Rhad.

Madalas siyang magtungo sa bahay namin. Halos gabi-gabi niya rin kaming pinagluluto ng dinner, mag-iisang buwan na rin! I know what he’s doing. Hindi ako manhid o naaksidente para hindi maalala at makalimutan nang sabihin niya sa aking gusto niya ako.

Wala si Manang nang halos isang buwan sa bahay. She took a one-month leave because her daughter is sick at halos isang taon na rin siyang hindi nakakauwi sa kanila sa probinsya. And now I can clearly observe that Rhadmus is taking that chance again to make a substance on me.

Nics seems oblivion about Rhadmus’ intention but I know she’s doubtful. Si Pierce naman ay tumutungo dito sa bahay isa o dalawang beses sa isang linggo at minsan dito nags-stay. At walang kahit na sino ang nakakapansin sa kalapastanganang pinaggagagawa ni Rhad sa akin kapag kaming dalawa lang ang naiiwan sa bahay.

“Fuck off Rhad!” Naiinis kong sigaw dahil kanina pa niya pa ako sinusundan.

It’s Sunday. Wala siyang pasok sa opisina at si Nics naman ay lumabas kasama si Riz. Naiwan naman ako sa bahay dahil gusto ko lang na matulog at magpahinga.

“Are you avoiding me? It’s been two weeks at anong akala mo? Madadala mo ako sa pag-iwas mong ’yan?” Dinig kong ani niya sa seryoso at malalim niyang boses.

Pasalampak naman akong naupo sa sofa at pinindot ang remote ng TV to resume the movie I am watching a while ago. Nasa entertainment room ako ngayon at nanood sa Netflix nang magulat nalang akong dumating siya. Bigla tuloy akong nawalan ng gana na manood. Panira ng araw.

“Just leave me alone, Rhadmus. That’s it. Get vanished.” I drawled harshly so he shut up.

At wala nga akong narinig na kahit ano mula sa kaniya. Lumabas siya ng entertainment room at iniwan akong mag-isa. I didn’t mind him. Alam at ramdam kong galit siya dahil sa pag-ignora at pag-iwas kong ginagawa sa kaniya halos dalawang linggo na rin magmula nang mangyari iyong sa pagitan naming dalawa.

I watched the movie and almost finished it without no one buggering me. Ngunit nang marinig kong bumukas muli ang pintuan at mapalingon ako ron ay mabilis na kumulo ang dugo ko sa nakita. Halos wala pang trenta minutos nang mawala siya. Tang ina.

“I bought you some snacks. You’re watching a movie and you’re not even prepared for it.” Aniya sa malamig na tono habang bitbit-bitbit ang isang malaking box at paper bags.

His eyes were menacing as it bore to me for a sudden. Kaya naman ay nagbaba agad ako ng tingin sa kaniyang mga dala-dala dahil ayaw ko nang magtagal pa ang aming mga sulyap. Dire-diretso naman siyang lumakad patungo sa aking gawi pagkatapos niyang maisara ang pintuan. I looked away and put my sight back at the big screen in front of me when I remember why he’s doing this.

Naramdaman ko siyang maupo sa aking tabi nang tuluyan niyang matunton ang kinauupuan kong sofa. I grit my teeth. Hindi ko siya pinansin at sinubukan kong ibalik ang atensyon ko sa aking pinapanood.

“Here, kumain ka muna.” Maya-maya ay narinig kong aniya sa aking tabi.

Hindi ko siya nilingon at nagpanggap na hindi ko lang siya narinig. Nagpatuloy ako sa panunuod at bahagyang umusad palayo sa kaniya. But when the TV screen where I am watching suddenly blackout, my lips parted in stifle. What the hell?

Lilingunin ko pa lang ang lalaking nakaupo sa aking tabi ay agad nang sumalubong sa aking mga mata ang remote control na nasa kaniyang kamay. Halos mag-alburoto ako nang makitang nasa kamay niya ang remote.

“What the hell are you doing?! Can’t you see that I’m watching?!” Sigaw ko sa kaniya dahil sino ba naman ang hindi mabubwisit sa ginawa niya?!

“Masyado kasing papansin. Tss,” dagdag ko pa sa sobrang pakairita.

Kinuha ko ang remote sa lamesa nang ibalik niya iyon don. So I turned it on. But when I heard him spoke again, I almost groan in so much frustration and annoyance.

“I bought you some snacks, kumain ka habang nanonood.” Utos niya sa akin ngayon sa seryoso at malamig na tono.

Mariin lang akong nagtiim bagang at hindi siya nililingon. Naramdaman ko pa siyang titigan ako ng matagal. At nang hindi siya nakuntento ay naramdamn ko pang umusad siya palapit sa akin. I then felt his gravel eyes narrowing sharply on me.

“I said eat, Neil Irish.” It was his deep baritone voice this time after a while of silence.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at hinayaan lang na titigan ako ng masama. Tinuon ko ang paningin ko sa pinapanood at hinayaan lang siyang dildilin ako ng matatalim niyang mga tingin.

Why would I conform him? What he is doing right now is completely insane. He should stop this shit so I won’t do anything that would fuel his feelings for me.

Ngunit natigilan ako nang mabilis niyang hinaltak sa kamay ko ang remote at agad na pinatay ang malaking screen. What the fuck. Napatiim bagang ako sa ginawa niyang iyon. Gustong gusto kong mag-alburoto at sumbatan siya sa mga pinaggagagawa niyang kahibangan na ito ngayon. Pero hindi ko ginawa dahil gusto kong panindigan na lamang ang pag-iwas ko sa kaniya.

Nagngingitngit man sa galit ay hinayaan ko siya. Umakto akong hindi naapektuhan sa ginawa niyang pagpatay ng TV at tiim bagang lang akong nakatingin sa kawalan. Sobra sobra ng pagtitimpi ang ginagawa ko para sa kaniya simula nang umpisahan niyang tratuhin ako ng kakaiba sa tuwing kaming dalawa lamang ang nasa paligid. Tangina, akala mo kung sinong makaasta samantalang una palang sinabi ko na sa kaniyang mali ang lahat ng nararamdaman niya para sa’kin.

Hindi ko siya binalingan ng tingin sa pagkakataong ito matapos niyang patayin ang TV. Ramdam ko ang iritasyon sa kaniyang presensiya at sa mala-palaso nitong mga titig na nakatutok sa akin ngayon dahil sa blankong ekspresyon na ipinapakita ko.

“Neil,” nagbabanta niyang tono.

Hindi ko siya binigyang pansin at sa halip ay kinuha ko na lamang muli ang remote control sa maliit na lamesa sa aming harapan para ipagpatuloy ang pinapanood ko. At nang makuha ko iyon ay pipindotin ko pa lamang ito para buhayin ang TV ay nahinto na agad ako nang ang malaki niyang kamay ay marahas na hinablot mula sa aking pagkakahawak ang remote control.

“Stop. Watching. If you can’t even take a glance at me,” mariin at malamig niyang utas sa nagpipigil na tono. Na para bang anumang oras ay mag-aalburoto na siya dahil sa ginagawa kong pag-iwas.

And I don’t care if he will burst just because I’m avoiding him. He deserves it though. I deserve it as well ’cuz his treatment towards me should be opposed so he’d stop it for Pete’s sake. Kaya naman nang hindi ko na matagalan ang matalim niyang mga titig sa aking tabi ay tumayo na ako. Kung hindi siya aalis then don’t. Ako ang aalis. Madali akong kausap, tss.

“You’re not going out.” But then his huge hand abruptly caught my wrist the moment I stood up from my seat. He gripped my wrist like he’s some cops arresting me with his handcuffs as he remain sitting immaculately on the sofa.

Hindi ko pa rin siya nilingon at nanatili lang akong nakatalikod habang naaalibadbaran kong agad na hinawi ang aking kamay mula sa pagkakahawak niya sa akin. Pero mas hinila lang niya ako pabalik sa sofa sa bawat pagtangka kong pagpiglas sa mahigpit niyang paghawak sa palapulsuhan ko, dahilan para mapaupo ako sa kaniyang mga hita.

“Got you-”

“Fuck! Ano ba Rhadmus, tangina naman oh! I’d already said fuck off multiple times! Hindi mo ba alam ang ibig sabihin no’n? Lubayan mo ako!” Galit kong sigaw sa kaniya nang hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili sa ginawa niyang paghaltak sa akin.

Agad ko siyang itinulak palayo nang mapaupo ako sa kaniyang hita at maramdaman kong bumagsak sa kaniyang matigas at malapad na dibdib ang aking likuran. He was holding my waist while his hand remains to hold my wrist when I fell on his left thigh.

Matalim ang mga mata naming nagtititigan ngayon. Ramdam ko ang matinding tensyon sa pagitan naming dalawa. At nakikita ko rin kung paanong gumuhit sa kaniyang mga mata ang magkahalong lungot at pagka-inis sa nangyayari. Hindi niya pa rin ako pinapakawalan sa mga oras na ito kaya naman tinulak ko na siya ng buo kong lakas nang sa gano’n ay tuluyan na akong makawala sa kaniyang bisig.

Even he brings my favorite foods ay hinding hindi ko na siya kakausapin pa ng matino. He bought me a party-sized overload pizza and my favorite Supreme lasagna from Greenwich. It’s all my fave, but this won’t work for me. Hindi ko alam kung nagkataon lang ba yung binili niya o lahat nalang ng tungkol sa akin ay alam niya.

Lumabas ako ng entertainment room para tuluyan nang makawala at makalayo sa kaniya. He’s always like this. Every time na maiiwan ako sa bahay ay bigla biglang dumarating siya. He likes meddling with me. And then he will always suddenly brings up the topic when that stupid kiss and confession happened.

“I told you I won’t stop,” he said gravely as I washed my hand on the sink in the kitchen.

Gabi na at nasa kusina namin siya para magluto. Nasa taas si Nics sa kaniyang silid kaya hindi kami maririnig na nagtatalong dalawa. Naka talikod ako sa kaniya habang siya ay mariin akong tiningnan mula sa aking likuran.

I turned off the faucet. Hindi ako nagsalita at iniwasan lang siya. But he snatched my wrist when I was about to walk out from the sink.

Marahas niya akong hinarap sa kaniya. At ang seryoso at galit niyang mga mata ang unang tumambad sa akin. Hindi ako nagpaakpekto, I pulled my hand but he didn’t let me.

“You can’t just ignore me this way, Neil.” He muttered angrily then wrapped my face with his huge hand and what he did next is what I wasn’t expecting him to do again. He kissed me.

Pigil ko ang hininga kong mariing itinimpi ang aking mga labi habang ang marahas niyang mga halik sa akin ay pilit iyong pinapatumba. Napaatras ako sa agresibong kilos na ginawa niya. Sinubukan kong alisin ang dalawang kamay niyang kumukulong sa aking pisngi pero hindi ako nagtagumpay.

“Kiss me, Neil. Fucking kiss me,” I heard him muttered as he bit my lips in aggression.

Hindi ko naman mapigilang hindi mapainda sa ginagawa niyang pagkagat sa aking nakatimping mga labi. Iniwas ko ang aking ulo sa kabilang gawi nang sa gano’n ay makawala ako sa kaniyang mararahas na mga halik. At nang mapagtanto kong mas lalo lang niya akong sinisiil nang halik at walang balak na pakawalan hangga’t hindi gumaganti ang aking mga labi ay padarag ko na siyang tinulak dahilan para mapaatras siya at tumama sa counter ang kaniyang likuran. Matalim ko siyang tiningnan pabalik habang habol ang aking hininga.

“Never do it again, Rhad. Nakakadiri.” Mariin at nagbabanta kong ani sa kaniya sabay na pinunasan ang aking labi gamit ang ikuran ng aking kamay.

Seryoso at madilim naman ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin ng tuwid. He then licked his lips as he glared at me menacingly. “I know you want it to, just admit it.”

“Fuck you! I never wanted it, especially from you! And if you don’t stop this craziness, I will tell our family about this,” I threatened on him.

Umalis naman siya sa pagkakasadlak mula sa counter. Nagsalubong ang dalawa niyang makakapal na kilay at ang mga mata ay mas lalong dumilim ang tingin sa akin. Then he slowly walked right in front of me until there is no gapped between our distances.

“Are you threatening me?” He hostily asked while his jaw clenching in patience.

Mahina ang aming mga boses pero ang diin at galit ay mahihimigan do’n.

“Why? Are you thrilled now?” I mocked and smirked at him.

His narrowed deep-set eyes remain piercing on me. His lips were in a tight grim line like he’s so much annoyed to what I’m doing in the past weeks of ignoring and avoiding him.

“There is nothing that can terrify me, Neil Irish. And if you’ll spill to our family what I’m doing to you, let me come with you. Sasamahan pa kitang magsabi.” Aniya sa malamig at napakaseryosong tono habang ang mga mata ay mariing ipinupukol sa akin. But the bitter sarcasm hasn’t escaped my hearing.

Hindi epektibo ang pag-iwas. I can say that dahil mahigit ilang buwan ko na siya ngayong iniiwasan pero paulit ulit pa rin ang nangyayari sa pagitan naming dalawa. He will always come after me and forced me to talk to him. And every time he grabbed my wrist, I already knew what’s that mean. He will then kiss me forcefully. But I didn’t give back dahil hindi na ako pwedeng magkamali pang muli.

Kapag gano’n ang nagiging sitwasyon, I will either punch him in the face or push him away. Hindi madali iyon lalo na at masyado siyang malakas. He’s persistent. I can see that he really is serious about his delirious feelings for me. Dahil walang linggo na hindi siya nagpapakita sa bahay. He always comes and prepared our dinner.

And that’s the time I knew that I should always stay with Nics and Pierce whenever he’s in our house. Dahil kapag kasama ko sila, Rhadmus will zip his mouth and will keep his distance away from me. But not at all times.

Nakaupo kami sa living area ng bahay ngayon. Katabi ko si Pierce at si Nics naman ay nasa harapan kong sofa nakaupo. Rhad was standing near the side of Nics at seryoso lang ang ekspresyong pasulyap sulyap sa akin.

“We will, hindi lang kami nakabisita nitong nakaraang buwan ’cuz were pretty busy at school. I’m sorry. Papa knows about it and he understood. Right, right.  I know. Bye.” I dropped the call.

It was Enzo who called me. He’s asking why we didn’t visit the mansion last month and I give him the credits of excuse. Naintindihan naman ’yon ni Papa dahil binisita niya rin kami rito sa bahay. Lola also gave me a call about it dahil nami-miss na raw niya kami.

“What did he say?” Pirce asked beside me.

“We’ll go visit the mansion this weekend.” Ani ko.

“I will give you a drive-”

“I have my car.” I halted on Rhadmus words.

Hindi ko siya binalingan nang sabihin ko iyon.

“Wait, is there a problem with you guys? I just noticed that lately, you’ve been this annoyed with each other. What’s poppin?” Pierce asked curiously nang makahalata sa aming dalawa ni Rhad.

I just rolled my eyes towards Rhad’s insertion and immediately stood up from my sit. “I have to go,” I dismissingly announced so I can go away from him.

“Wait, what? Sa’n ka pupunta? Akala ko ba sasama ka sa amin mag-lunch this noon?” Pierce added.

Hindi ko na sila nilingon. “I’m sorry Pierce, bawi nalang ako sa susunod. Promise.” I simply said then went inside my room to get my car key.

Nagtungo ako ng gym nang tanghaling iyon. Hindi ko na nagugustuhan pa ang mga ginagawa ni Rhadmus sa akin. He shows and says affection to me even Nics and Pierce are around. I don’t know what to do with him anymore. I keep on pushing him away but it seems to be his refuge to keep on doing it.

Inabot ako nang hapon sa gym. Do’n na rin ako nag-lunch. Plano sana naming magpipinsan na mag-lunch outside in the restaurant dahil minsan nalang din namin makasama si Pierce. He was pretty busy in the office at gano’n din naman si Rhadmus. But what I can’t understand is that he always has time to go to our house and make some shits to please me or something.

Umuwi ako ng bahay bago mag-gabi. And as I get inside the house ay walang tao. Hindi naman na ako nagtaka at tinungo ko nalamang ang aking silid. I took a bath at nag-ayos ng sarili pagkaraan. I received a message earlier from Pierce na nagtungo raw sila ng club. Pinapasunod niya ako dahil kasama niya si Nics.

Pierce:

Sumunod ka. You promise me na babawi ka, right? Then this is the perfect night to do it.

Marahan akong bumuntonghininga nang mabasa ang kaniyang text message. I went downstairs pagkatapos kong makapagbihis. Natigilan lang ako sa paghakbang pababa ng hagdan nang makita ko si Rhadmus na seryoso akong pinagmamasdan mula sa salas ng bahay namin.

Imbis na makipagtitigan sa kaniya ay hindi ko nalang siya binigyang pansin. Tumuloy ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa harangan niya ang daraanan ko nang makababa ako sa living area.

“I’m here to fetch you,” namamaos ang boses niyang salubong sa akin.

Nananatili naman akong nakatingin sa sahig at hindi nag-aangat sa kaniya ng tingin. Gumilid ako pagkaraan para ro’n dumaan at malagpasan siya paalis ngunit hinarangan niya akong muli sa pangalawang pagkakataon.

“Sumama ka sa’kin-”

“I said I have my car. I can give myself a drive. Alone.” I lifted my glares on him now.

Seryoso at malumanay naman ang mga tingin niya sa akin ngayon, ibang iba sa matalim niyang pagtitig sa akin sa tuwing mag-tatalo na naman kami.

“Just…come with me tonight. I’ll give you a drive-”

“No, I can handle myself.” I diminished then walk past him. Binangga ko pa ang balikat niya nang lagpasan ko siya palabas ng bahay.

Hindi siya sumunod. Hindi niya ako pinigilan at wala na akong narinig na kahit anong pagtutol mula sa kaniya sa pagkakatong ito. And I don’t mind it because it’s better that way. Tinungo ko ang high-end club na sinend sa akin ni Pierce kung nasaan sila ngayon nila Nics. Ngayon na lang ulit ako nagtungo ng club after Enzo leave for States. Matagal na rin pero parang kahapon lang nang huli akong nandito.

It was the club where everything happened. Napatingin ako sa lounges at sa mga tables na naalala kong nasira nila Zach noon just to stop him from being impulsive in so much outburst. Mapait akong nag-iwas ng tingin don nang ang mga mata ko ay dumapo sa gawi nila Pierce at Nics na kasama ang kanilang mga kaibigan. Kaya naman ay tipid akong ngumiti nang kawayan nila ako. Then I shook my head a little to remove the thought in my head about the memory of my first cousins here inside the club. I shouldn’t think of them. We’re done. We’re all gone.

“Where’s Rhad? I thought he’ll pick you up?” It was a loud large voice of Pierce who asked dahil sa lakas ng music nang makalapit ako sa lounge nila.

“Hindi ko siya nakita.” Tanging sagot ko.

Nakipagkamayan naman agad ako kila Rainier at Gab para hindi na ako tanungin pa ni Pierce. Gano’n din ang ginawa ko sa ibang lalaking ka-edaran nila Rhad at Pierce, mga bachelors.

“Nice to meet you, finally.” The man said as he shook my hand.

Ang isa naman ay uminom sa kaniyang glass nang hindi inaalis sa akin ang mga tingin.

“So you’re Señor Gutierrez another grandson, nice meeting you.”

Tipid ko lang silang nginisian. “Yeah, it’s my pleasure to meet you as well.” Ani ko dahil nasabi sa akin ni Pierce na mga investors at shareholders sila ng company.

Nakipag-usap ako sa kanila nang ilang saglit at gano’n din kay Rainier at Gab na ngayon ko nalang muli nakita. At nang makita ko naman si Nics na patungo sa gawi namin kasama si Riz ay napangiti ako.

“Neil! Oh my gosh, it’s nice to see you here!” Riz cheerfully said to me with a grin on her face.

Agad naman niya akong niyakap at hinalikan sa pisngi na para bang sobra siyang natuwa na makita akong narito ngayon. I do the same kahit pa halos masakal na ako sa sobrang higpit ng pagkakayakap niya sa akin.

“Same here, Riz.” Ani ko nang tuluyan siyang humiwalay sa akin.

Si Nics naman ay nakangisi lang din na nakatingin sa akin sa tabi ng kaibigan niya. Napataas naman ako ng isang kilay sa kaniya.

“Kanina ka pa nandito?” Riz asked making me turn my gaze back at her again.

“No, I just came up. A few minutes ago.”

Marahan namang tumango si Riz sa akin. Nawala naman sa kaniya ang atensyon ko nang tawagin ako ni Pierce at abutan ako nito ng isang baso ng alak.

“You’re in the club, drink!” Pierce merrily said to me.

Natatawa ko naman siyang inilingan dahil dala-dalawa ang babae niya sa kaniyang magkabilang balikat nang iabot niya sa akin ang panibagong shot matapos kong tanggapin ang una niyang binigay sa akin. He really is a perv. Nakapunta na ako ng bar kasama siya at si Pierce and of course Enzo and Nics before.

And I can say that he’s really a perv. Also…manwhore. He really loved intercourse. Dahil kahit pa hindi niya iyon sabihin ay lagi kong nakikita sa mga mata niya iyon. Especially when he already found his target for the night. Kung akala mo ay yung dalawang babae sa tabi niya ay ’yon na, nagkakamali ka. Because he’s only preying and lurking around like a hawk for his real target.

At kung tatanungin kung anong klaseng mga babae iyong tipo niya, well, he has very high standards.

“Oh, there you are bruh! Kanina pa kita hinihintay. You said you’ll pick up Neil? Sabi ’di ka raw niya nakita,” Pierce said to the man who just came into our circle.

Nagtagpo naman ang mga mata namin ni Rhad nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniyang gawi. Agad din naman akong nag-iwas ng tingin at hindi pinagtuunan ng pansin ang kaniyang pagdating. Kahit pa naramdaman kong maupo siya sa tapat ko at agad na sumimsim ng alak na mukhang kanina pa niya hawak-hawak.

“I’m just roaming around, at the island bar.” Dinig ko ang malalim at seryoso niyang boses.

Nakaupo ako sa tabi ni Pierce at si Gab at Rainier naman ang nasa kabilang tabi ko. Sila Nics at Riz naman ay nagtungo sa dancefloor kaya wala rito sa lounge namin ngayon.

“Is that Rhad? Oh, hi!” I heard a woman say from the unknown crowd.

Binalingan ko naman si Gab at Rainier nang may sabihin sila sa akin.

“Enzo is quite busy in the States. Kaya baka hindi lang nakakareply sa inyo.” I said to Gab nang maikwento niya sa aking simula nang umalis si Enzo para sa MBA niya ay hindi na raw nagparamdam sa kanilang dalawa.

“Maybe, kaya siguraduhin niya lang na ’pag uwi niya, he’s no longer a broken glass.” Ani naman ni Rainier sa pabirong tono.

Napakunot naman ako ng noo sa sinabi niya. But then he chuckled when he noticed my sudden expression.

“I mean, like shit like the last time we go out to grab some drink. And get drunk unintentionally.” Ngumisi pa siya sa akin at kalaunan ay nag-iwas nalang ng tingin.

Hindi naman na ako nakiusisa pa dahil mukhang wala rin namang balak ang dalawa na ’to na magsabi ng kung anong pinaggagagawa nila kasama si Enzo. They are Enzo’s friends. Kaya marahil may alam silang hindi ko alam. Pero kahit na gano’n ay naramdaman ko na nung una pa lang na may nagbago na kay Enzo bago pa siya mag-decide na sa ibang bansa niya kukuhanin ang MBA niya. Hindi ko lang makuha kung ano, but I can sense it’s about his woman.

I get my glass at our table to drink matapos kong marinig ang hinaing ni Gab, nang mahagip nang paningin ko si Rhadmus na sinisiil ng malalim na halik ang babaeng nakapatong sa kaniyang kanang hita habang nakapulupot sa leeg nito ang magkabilang braso ng babae. Napakunot ako ng noo. Nakita ko pang magmulat ng mata si Rhad habang patuloy siya sa pakikipaghalikan sa babae at tingnan ako sa mga mata habang ginagawa iyon.

Napakurap naman ako at halos mabitiwan ko ang baso ng alak na kaka-dampot ko pa lang mula sa lamesa namin. I blinked and I help but look away. I manage to finish drinking the liquor in my glass despite the lamp that stuck at the back of my throat. Hindi na rin ako nagtagal at tumayo na sa aking kinauupuan para makalis na sa pwesto namin. Napansin ko namang napatingin sa akin sila Gab.

“Comfort room lang,” ani ko sa kanila at saka ako tumuloy sa pag-alis ng mag-isa.

Natanaw ko pa sila Nics at Riz na may kausap sa kabilang lounge nang mapadaan ako sa gawi na ’yon, mukhang mga kaibigan din nila. I go to the comfort room directly nang malagpasan ko ang gawi ng kapatid ko. Hindi ko alam pero nakaramdam ako ng kakaiba sa tanawing iyon kanina nila Rhadmus.

I washed my hand right after I got inside the comfort room. I gritted my teeth when I realize that there is something wrong. Natigilan pa ako at mabilis na napatingin sa malaking salamin sa aking harapan nang kumalabog ang pintuan at bumukas iyon. There, I saw Rhadmus’s serious dark glares narrowing on my reflection in the mirror.

Napalunok ako. Nagbaba ako ng tingin at tinuyo ang aking kamay nang mag-iwas ako ng tingin. Nagmamadali kong tinuyo ang aking mga kamay. Aalis na ako.

“And where you are going again this time?” His cold voice almost shivered me nang akmang lalabas na ako ng CR.

Tumigil ako sa paghakbang at nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. He locked the door at hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan sa ginawa niyang iyon.

My heart nervously throbs as I gaze at his menacing glares directly on me. His jaw clenched like he’s losing his patience with me this time.

“I’m going home,” sinubukan kong magtunog kaswal nang sabihin ko iyon. Seryoso ko lang din siyang tinitingnan ng tuwid sa mga mata habang siya ay halos tumagos sa buong pagkatao ko ang paraan niya ng pagtitig sa akin ngayon.

“Are you jealous?” He then suddenly asked out of the blue.

“What? Are you seriously asking me this?” Hindi makapaniwala kong tanong sa kaniya. I even bark a little chuckled for him with so much sarcasm.

Nakita kong gumalaw ang kaniyang panga dahil sa ginawa ko.

“Why you leave? Hindi mo ba kayang mapanood kaming naghahalikan-”

“Oh shut that crap, Rhadmus. I leave because I go here to the comfort room. Ano bang sinasabi mo?”

Humakbang naman siya palapit sa akin. Eyes remain piercing on me. “You can’t lie to me, Neil. I know you are jealous of what you see.” He muttered huskily deep.

Unti-unti namang nabura ang mapang-uyam kong ngisi para sa kaniya nang sabihin niya iyon.

“I know you’re jealous… I know that you like me too, Neil.”

Kabanata 17

A/N: I apologize for making you wait for the update of FMNES. As much as I want to make an update, I can’t, due to my personal reasons. But the good news is that I will hardly try to published new Kabanata every Sunday so stay tuned ’cuz we’re so near.

Thank you reader/s! You guys mean so much to me. xoxo:)

Kabanata 17

Gift

“Are you out of mind?” I asked him in disbelief.

Mas dumiin at dumilim naman ang kaniyang mga matang nakatitig sa akin ngayon. Patuloy siya sa paghakbang at pagsakop sa pagitang meron kami habang nananatili akong nagpupuyos sa inis at pagkabahala dahil sa bawat paghakbang na ginagawa niya ay sinasabayan ng malakas na pagpintig ng puso ko.

“You don’t know how to lie so stop keeping it on yourself. Just admit it, Neil, you like me to-”

“Fuck you. How sure are you about what you are saying? You. Are. Not. Me. So stop rebuking me!” I hostily blast on him.

My eyes were now piercing on him as I tried to control myself. I rolled my hand into a hard massive fist while I clenched my jaw, giving him more patience to calm down myself.

But then he just plasters an evil smirk, pushing my buttons to lift on their limits. Ang kaniyang mga mata ay madilim na nanlilisik na nakatingin sa akin habang ang ang kaniyang labi ay malademonyong nakangising nakatutop sa akin. Namamaos siyang suminghal bago nagsalita. “See, you almost lose your patience. Because the reason is you are the who is refraining yourself from the truth.” He muttered sharply.

I gulped hard as I hardly restrained myself from punching him straight to his face. He’s not right. His words struck me but not broad as I perceive in my head what I could’ve done best ’cuz I have done with this stupid shit already.

Hindi ako nakagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko matapos niya iyong sabihin. Huminto siya sa paghakbang at isang pulgada nalang ang natitira sa pagitan naming dalawa ngayon. Mabilis ang paghinga ko at mataas ang pag-alpas ng aking dibdib habang ang mga paa ko ay unti-unti ng napapako sa sahig.

“Tumigil ka na, Rhdamus.” Mariin kong ani. Pinipilit na hindi magtunog kinakabahan sa unti-unti niyang paglapit.

Our eyes were glaring at each other like we’re both going to kill one another. My legs were not trembling but I feel the tension between us that made me weaken.

“That’s it. You always say that line. Why? Because you’re scared you might fall to me if ever I don’t stop? You’re liking this much, don’t you?”

Nagtiim bagang ako at nag-iwas sa kaniya ng tingin. I don’t like him that’s it. That’s the thing I am believing. Because I’m done being involved in this kind of evil love story. This is incest. And I feel vile and accurst by God that this is happening to me…again.

Marahas ko siyang binangga para tuluyan ng makawala sa mumunting pagitan naming dalawa. Lumabas ako ng comfort room at iniwan si Rhad. Mabilis ang bawat paghakbang na ginagawa ko at gano’n din ang kalabog ng puso ko. Naguguluhan ako. Nalilito ako sa mga nangyayari at nararamdaman ko.

I don’t like him. I said it so fucking many times. And I don’t know but it hits me different this time.

The scattered neon lights and the loud music inside the club didn’t stop me from leaving. Neither Pierce who just saw me half running towards the exit of the club. I need to leave. Because I know I couldn’t take any of Rhadmus’ words. It will blast me. It will backfire my thoughts of pushing him away and I don’t want it to happen.

Nagmamadali kong tinungo ang sasakyan ko sa parking lot. Lakad takbo ko iyong tinungo at nagmamadaling pinatunog ang sasakyan ng makalapit ako. At walang ano-ano ay binuksan ko ang driver seat para makaalis na.

Ngunit halos kumawala sa dibdib ko ang puso kong naghihikahos sa pag-alis nang marinig ko ang malalim at nagpupuyos na boses sa aking likuran.

“You cannot just run away forever, Neil.” It was his deep hostile voice that almost made me jump behind my back.

Pinangilabutan ako nang marinig ko ang seryoso at malamig niyang boses sa aking likuran. I tightened my grip on my door car as I grit my teeth in extreme hold back. Hindi ako gumalaw sa aking kinatatayuan at nanatiling mariin na nakatitig sa ibaba.

Ramdam at dinig ko ang mabilis niyang paghinga sa aking likuran. Na para bang tinakbo niya ang distansyang halos tinakbo ko palayo sa kaniya.

“Admit it, Neil. Admit that you also like me. Don’t be scared. I’m gonna be here for you…for us.” He muttered huskily behind me this time. He sounded tired at this point but his persuasion make his statement massive to me.

Pakiramdam ko naman ay dinudurog ang puso ko. Pakiramdam ko ay bumabalik ako sa nakaraang natapos ko ng pagdaanan noon.

“Baby please, I’m here to protect you. I won’t let other people’s opinions invade us. I like you and I know you are too-”

“I said fucking stop it already, Rhad! For Pete’s sake!” Hinarap ko siya at marahas na tinulak palayo sa akin sa pagkakataong ito nang hindi ko na nakayanan pa ang matinding pait na dumadagan sa aking dibdib nang sabihin niya ang linya na iyon.

Napaatras siya at tumambad sa akin ang namumula niyang mga mata.

“Neil just admit it!”

“I have nothing to admit here, Rhadmus! Kaya tumigil ka na! Ilang buwan mo na akong hindi tinatantanan diyan sa walang kwenta mong nararamdaman!” I exclaimed at the top of my lungs in so much anger and frustration.

Habol ko ang aking hininga. Malakas ang pag-alpas ng aking dibdib sa sobrang galit na nararamdaman para sa kaniya.

Nakita kong matigilan siya sa sinabi ko. I saw how his bloodshot eyes narrowed on me icily. On how his jaw clenched and dimmed eyes flickered directly on me. Nakita ko kung paanong gumuhit ang sakit sa kaniyang mukha nang sabihin ko iyon.

Napaayos siya ng tayo mula sa malakas na pagkakatulak ko sa kaniya. He stood straight in front of me as his eyes started to glare in disbelief at what I just blurted out. Na para bang nanlamig siya sa mga binitiwan kong salita.

“W-Walang kuwenta? Is that how you rate my feelings for you? Worthless?” He muttered hostily while his eyes haunted me in pain.

Napakurap ako. I shouldn’t belittle his feelings for me. Every person’s feelings shouldn’t discredit this way. But if this is the only route to stop him from making things worst in the both of us, then be it. Dahil mas gugustuhin ko pang masaktan siya ngayon kesa magsisi sa huli.

Hinarap ko siya ng mas masinsinan sa pagkakagaong ito. I flashed my vicious eyes on him like I don’t show mercy nor empathy about his pity feelings for me.

“Yes. Your feelings are worthless, Rhadmus. You only like me. I’m so sure na magbabago pa ’yang nararamdaman mo. You’re an adult. You are way older than me. You deserve better, a woman. You have to make a family and raise children of yours. And what you are doing right now is such a waste of time.” I said seriously pained to him.

He can’t be serious to me. This is trouble and even if I had to cut everything between us just to deter him from this mistake, I will.

He gape. “You’re right. I’m an adult and way older than you. Ilang years ang age gap natin? Five…six? Six years and you think that my feelings for you are that kind of petty? Fuck, no.” He cursed under his breath like he’s enduring my painful words.

I bit my lip and glance at him wearily. “Rhad, you had to build a home with a Mom and a beautiful son on your side. And liking me won’t make any better difference in the life that I’m already pictured you-”

“I don’t care what your perception towards my life, Neil! I only like you. I don’t need a son nor a woman to stand on my side. Because you are all that I want… You are all that I needed.”

Ako naman ngayon ang natigilan sa sinabi niya. My lips left in parted and my eyes widen a fraction. He’s kidding me. He must be kidding me.

I shook my head later on so he won’t notice that I’m getting affected by what he just said. Napasinghap ako at nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya nang maramdaman kong mahirapan ako sa paghinga.

“Now, you tell me that my feelings for you are worthless-”

“Stop being a clown here, Rhad! You’re freaking ridiculous if that’s what you want me to say on you-”

“I fucking like you! Now, look at me.” He commands as I look away from his narrowing glares after hushing me off. “I said fucking look at me, Neil Irish!”

Halos manginig ang kalamnan ko sa malakas at nagpupuyos niyang pagsigaw nang hindi ko siya hinarap. Kaya naman nang matauhan ako ay binalingan ko siya. With my glares weak and frightened because I know that the longer he’s doing this, the more we ruined each other.

Nakita kong mag-igting ang kaniyang panga bago siya muling nagsalita. “I will never say ‘I like you’ in a very funny way, Neil. You know me.” He humidly growled.

Napu-frustrate ko naman siyang tiningnan sa pagkakataong ito.

“You are old Rhadmus-”

“Six years, Neil. Ano bang inirereklamo mo sa edad ko? Stop blurting out nonsense reasons here! I know what you’re doing. You can’t just push me away with that scheme.” He darkly said, losing his patience this time.

I grate my teeth. “Your feelings weren’t for long term. Magbabago pa ’yan! You’re old enough and it’s time for you to settle with a woman. You’re a perv and a chic magnet ’cuz you’re a hot freaking bachelor and business tycoon. Kaya hindi malabong makahanap ka rin ng taong magpapaligaya sa’yo. And I’m saying this for you to quit with this already! Dahil hindi ako ’yon-” he cutted my words, at humakbang siya papalapit sa akin.

“But I have a huge believe that person will be you, Neil.” I heard him continue.

“Rhadmus, stop. Just. Stop. Please-”

“I love you… Mahal kita Neil-”

“Rhadmus sabi ng tumigil ka na! Hindi mo ba nakikitang maling mali na itong mga pinagsasasabi mo?!” I exclaimed hysterically when his words became crucial to me.

“You said that I’m old enough, and what adults do? Settle. Now, here I am seriously saying my love for you in a long-term manner. I love you. And believe me or not, I never say these three words with anybody else…but you’re an exemption now.” He huskily said the last phrases.

I can feel how passionate he was when he said that to me. I can sense how much courage he puts into it just to assure me that he’s taking this very seriously… And I cannot deny how it touches my heart. How it pinches my heart and melts it by his remarks.

I froze. My feet were rooted on the ground. Our spot in the parking lot was a bit dark dahil malayo ang lamp post sa aming gawi. Walang tao at tanging kami lang ang nandito.

Natigilan ako sa mga sinabi niya. Para akong naubusan ng ibabatong bala at naubusan ng mga salitang ipangpipigil sa kaniya.

“Don’t push me away. Kasi napapagod na rin ako, Neil. It may not be visible outside, but I’m hurting. Seeing you pushing me away pained me a lot. I can endure your avoidance but nudging me out… I cannot.” His weak raucous voice hit my soft side at this peak.

It made me feel guilty but at the same time substantial. Marahan akong nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. His blood-shot eyes bore on me weakly this time.

“I just did what is right for you, Rhadmus. I just did what I should have done sooner for the sake of us. So please, quit it.” Mariin kong ani sa kaniya.

Nag-arko naman ang dalawang makakapal niyang kilay sa isang pagod at naguhuluhang posisyon.

“Why? Is this because we’re cousins?”

“We’re also both males. You’re not gay, either I. So stop being this nasty over ourselves.”

Nakita kong gumalaw ang kaniyang panga. “But I don’t care about what people say on this-” I abruptly cutted him off.

“Rhadmus, I don’t like you. At mas lalong hindi kita kayang mahalin.” I gravely shut him off.

His lips parted in appall. Nakita kong mas lalong dumilim ang namumula niyang mga mata. The veins on his arms became more evident as they tensed by his rolled massive fists.

“Tell me your reasons,” he probed hostily.

“I know you know what my reasons are, Rhadmus. Gusto mo pa bang sabihin ko sa’yo ’yon at isa-isahin? Sigi. Una magpinsan tayo. Second, we’re freaking males that shouldn’t love each other intimately. Third, ano nalang sa tingin mo ang sasabihin nila Lolo? Nila Lola at nang buong pamilya natin? They will be disappointed with us! They will loathe us and feel sick of this pity love. And sorting this out as early as we can, this shall stop dahil walang patutunguhan ’to.”

“Is that all your reasons? Or maybe you forgot one last reason why we can’t really be together.”

He pursed his lips. His bloodshot eyes became indignant. Napakunot ako ng noo sa sinabi niya.

“Come on, tell me what your other reason is.”

Umiling ako at napatiim bagang. “That is all. And if you can’t believe that, it’s your problem.” Ani ko at tinalikuran na siya para pumasok na sa loob ng aking sasakyan.

But when I felt his calloused huge hand grip my hand and suddenly push me at the door of my car, I stiffened.

Tumambad sa akin ang mapupula niyang mga mata at ang nag-aalab niyang mga tingin. His jaw was moving as his lips twitched in vastly wrath.

“R-Rhadmus-”

“You’re crying that night. You look wasted and extremely devastated. You look like a crap heartbroken man. That was the night where I first taste your lips. It was the night where I feel how passionate your kiss was to me.”

“It was a mistake Rhadmus! How many times do I have to tell you that?! I’m drunk and you took it as your advantage of me!”

“You’re drunk but you know what you’re doing! Huwag mo akong pagmukhaing tanga! Took advantage of you? Your ass! Baka nakakalimutan mo, you hugged my nape and pulled me down. Ngayon mo sabihing pinagsamantalahan ko ang kalasingan mo.” He boomed on me.

Napakurap kurap ako sa sinabi niya. So he’s putting me his reason why he gets into this? Fuck him!

“Rhadmus you initiated it first!”

“And you liked it!” He thundered on me.

Mabagal akong napailing sa kaniya. What the heck. “I can’t believe you’re saying this to me. You know it was a pure mistake! You know I was drunk and can easily be attained. Screw you!”

Napupuyos kong sigaw sa kaniya at tinulak siyang muli palayo. But this time, he’s sturdy. Hindi siya nagpatianod sa malakas kong pagtulak sa kaniya palayo. Bagkus ay mas lalo lang niya akong nilapitan at mariing tiningnan sa mga mata.

His bloodshot eyes became weaker at this peak. It was beaming in hopelessness that the dark began to shatter.

“Who’s that person you are crying to? Kaya ba nagpakalasing ka ng gabing ’yon dahil sa kaniya? Is he also the reason why you can never love me back? Is it him?” He asked me with his voice strained.

Hindi ako nakasagot. Natigilan ako. I remained my eyes out of his sight so he can’t see how devastated my eyes were right now. Just like him, we both can’t love the person we want to be with.

“Siya ba yung isa pa at pinakahuling rason mo kung bakit hindi tayo pwede? Sabihin mo sa akin, Neil. Kasi ako mahal kita, and if your heart belongs to someone else, I know where should I place myself.” 

“You said no wrong, Rhad. You are right, he’s my least and an enormous reason why I can’t love you the same way. And I’m not sorry for it.” I muttered huskily to him.

Hindi siya kumurap. Nakita kong gumalaw ang kaniyang lalamunan matapos kong sabihin iyon. Like he swallowed it very hard because of the pain that obstructed him.

“Do you still love her?” Namamaos niyang tanong sa akin sa pagod na tono.

I didn’t answer him. Dahil kahit ako mismo ay hindi ko na malaman ang sagot.

He then let a sigh. “Of course, I should’ve known the answer. So stupid of me to ask you that despite the truth that you can’t be with a man like me. I’m such a fool for loving you, Neil. I’m not gay. But damn, you just killed me.” He let out then glared at me hostily.

Lumayo siya sa akin ng bahagya at dismayado akong inilingan. Kita ko sa mga mata niya ang pait at sakit na hindi niya lubos na akalain sa sarili niya mismong magagawa niya.

“Your woman must be a jinx for having you. I like pussy, not an asshole. And fuck you for making me feel this lame. I never like, neither love a man. But now I did, and it will be only you Neil Irish. I screwed up…a lot. But this is the worst and yet the most regretful thing. I wish I never met you. I fucking wish I hadn’t been your cousin.” He remarked with his languish voice.

Matalim ang mga mata niyang kumislap sa akin bago ko siya tuluyang tinalikuran at iwan mag-isa sa parking lot.

Umuwi ako ng bahay na hindi na nakapagpaalam pa kila Nics at Pierce. I sent them a message instead nang makarating ako ng bahay. Pumasok ako ng aking silid na para bang naglalayag ang aking isipan sa kung anong nangyari kanina sa amin ni Rhad.

I left him in the parking lot. He’s hurt. I can see that through his weakened eyes and drooping shoulders a while ago before I leave him. I didn’t intend to hurt him but I had nothing to do with it anymore. Hindi rin kami pwede. Just like Kaizer and I went through. It wasn’t an easy journey for us that in the end we still chose to make what’s better for the sake of us.

Rhadmus thinks that I’m still not over him. He even thinks that I am in love with a woman. Wala siyang ideya kung sino ang dahilan ng pag-iyak at pagpapakalasing ko ng gabing iyon. At ang tanging alam lang niya ay nasasaktan ako dahil sa taong ’yon.

And he gets it right. I was devastated. I feel like a dump crap that night because Kaizer memories are gone. Pero ngayon na nagkakaganito si Rhadmus sa akin, hindi ko maiwasang masaktan muli.

I didn’t like him…at first, that’s what I thought. Because in the past months of being with him, pushing him away. I saw how true he was to me. I witnessed how he strive to get my attention and let me notice him despite being nudged by me. And doing it for months, he probably is crazy over it. Having that kind of persistence includes a massive discipline. At walang araw na hindi niya ako binigo.

There are times na magugulat nalang ako na nasa school parking nalang siya at naghihintay sa akin. And like the usual right thing I should have done, I’ll just simply ignore and avoid him like I never see him exist there.

He maybe does impulsive things in me sometimes but those are the moments where he’s pushed to his limits. That his buttons were already uplifted because I pushed it extremely. Kaya naman gano’n nalang ang gulat ko nang sabihin niyang napapagod at nasasaktan na siya sa ginagawa kong pagtaboy sa kaniya.

He seems cold-hearted and very imprudent outside but I didn’t know that he has this very tiny soft side na kahit kelan ay hindi ko pa nakikita. Even though he shows his weak side one, it’s because he’s too tired of me. That he’s hurting too much because of me.

Hindi ako dinalaw ng antok ng gabing iyon. Hindi ko maintindihan sa sarili ko kung binabagabag ba ako ng mga sinabi ko kay Rhad kanina or it’s just I was preoccupied with the thought of doing something stupid again.

Tama siya na isa sa mga dahilan ko kaya hindi ko siya makukuhang magustuhan ay iyon ay dahil nasa iba ang puso ko. But I don’t understand myself if why I feel like there’s a trivial part in me that I wanted to embrace him. 

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil para akong nagkakaroon ng second thought sa lahat ng mga desisyong ginagawa ko. I know what is the best thing to do with Rhadmus lalo na at napagdaanan ko na ito noon. I was once fell in love with my cousin. At ngayon na nasa panibago ko akong tunay kong pamilya ay mangyayari ito. I will totally screw up if I fucked everything up.

Rhad is straight. He’s very manly and a massive person. His muscles were all in the right places as his rugged dominant aura will intimidate you. He’s everyone’s princesses and women’s dream to have as their prince or king. He’s a damn package, like a knight with an armor itself. Kaya nang sabihin niyang gusto niya ako, it terrifies me big time. Because I knew he was serious…

Noon pa man ay naradamdaman ko ng iba ang pagtrato niya sa akin. But I just always skip that thought dahil hindi ko rin alam kung paanong ie-entertain sa sarili ko iyon.

Nasa tamang edad na siya para mag-settle at bumuo ng pamilya. At iyon ang mas kinatakot ko. Because I knew since then that he’s the type of person when he sees and feels like it was you, it will be you till the rest of his life. He will take you as his last. And sadly, it happened that he sees something the same thought to me.

I’m detached. I can say that I already detached myself from the Arcoiris but there is still hope in me na babalik kaming lahat muli sa dati. Pero ngayon na inalis na nila ako sa buhay nila, I can totally do the same with them but I just chose not to.

Wala na akong narinig pang balita na kahit ano pa tungkol kay Kaizer or even about sa mga pinsan ko. Hindi ko alam kung may ideya ba sila Mom at Dad sa nangyari sa amin nila Kelsy pero mabuti na rin siguro na ganito. Kaya ayos na rin siguro na nasaktan ko si Rhadmus kanina para tigilan na niya ako. Dahil itong pamilya ng mga Gutierrez nalang ang tanging meron ako. At kung pati ito ay mawawala, hindi ko na alam kung ano nalang ang mangyayari sa’kin.

Nang gabing iyon ay sibukan kong alisin sa aking isipan ang nangyari sa parking lot ng gabing iyon. We went to the mansion to visit Lola, Papa, Tita Aurelia, and Lolo when the weekends came. We stay there till Sunday. Hindi sumama si Rhadmus at mukhang alam ko na agad kung ano ang dahilan. Dahil simula nang gabing iyon ay hindi na siya muling nagpakita pa sa akin. Hindi na siya tumutungo pa ng bahay para ipagluto kami ng dinner at kung ano-ano pang mga gawaing bahay na halos nakasanayan ko nang makita na ginagawa niya sa amin.

Nakakapanibago. But I just shook it off my head dahil alam kong walang maidudlot iyong maganda sa aking sistema. Nang matapos ang halos dalawang araw naming pags-stay sa mansion ay bumalik muli kami ng Manila.

We continue our classes back on Monday dahil pa-end na rin ng sem for this year. Magpapasko na naman ulit at gaya ng nakasanayan ko ng gawin ay sa mga Gutierrez ako nagce-celebrate ng Christmas. At uuwi naman ako kila Mom to celebrate my New Year with them.

It’s been my kind of routine in the past years. Dahil hindi na rin naman ako sumasama pa sa kahit anong gatherings na meron ang mga Arcoiris. Kahit pa iniimbitahan ako nila Mom at Dad ay palagi ko lang din iyong tinatanggihan. O kung hindi naman ay minsan ay magrarason nalang ako na abala ako sa araw na iyon.

I’m such a jerk for doing it but I know it’s perfect to happen that way. Dahil hindi na rin naman ako kabilang sa kanilang pamilya.

We celebrated our Christmas in the mansion of the Gutierrez’s. Medyo natigilan pa ako dahil wala muli si Rhadmus sa special event ng family. Wala rin si Enzo dahil hindi siya uuwi sa taon na ito even a vacation, he refuses to appear.

Hindi kami kumpletong mga Gutierrez ngayon dahil dalawa ang wala sa hapag namin ngayon nang sabay sabay kaming nagtungo sa mahaba at enggrandeng hapag para sa Noche Buena.

“Merry Christmas!” Tita Stella greet me happily and kissed me on my cheek. Napangisi naman ako sa ginawa niya.

Gano’n din si Lola sa akin. “Merry Christmas din po,” bati ko sa kanilang lahat isa isa. Si Tita Aurelia ay tipid lang akong nginitian nang sabihin ko iyon. While Lolo just ignores me like his usual treatment of me.

“Bakit parang biglaan naman ata ang naging pag-alis ni Rhadmus patungong Paris?” Lola asked nang mag-umpisa na kami sa Noche Buena.

“Hindi ko rin alam Mama.” Tita Stella answered cluelessly.

Then I heard Tito Leonard chuckle a bit. “Your grandson is already a man. He said that he’ll be with his girlfriend in Paris.” Tito Leonard informed.

Natigilan naman ako sa paghihiwa ng steak sa aking pinggan at awtomatikong napaangat ng tingin kay Tito Leonard.

“Oh? Then that’s a perfect gift for me this Christmas, Leonardo! Magkakaapo na ba ako sa talampakan finally?!” Magiliw na ani naman ni Lola sa aking tabi.

“Yeah, I guess. I’m a great matchmaker.” 

Napayuko nalang ako nang magsalita si Lolo.

“Hindi pala siya nagtungo ng States? I thought he will go visit Enzo.” It was Papa who spoke.

“Most probably the least thing he’ll do before he moved back here in the Philippines. He’s quite busy for now,” Tito Leonard imparted.

Nagtuloy tuloy sila sa kanilang mga pinag-uusapan at hindi na ako nakinig pa nang maiba ang kanilang subject. So Rhad is in Paris…with his girlfriend. See, his feelings for me did change in just a short period of time.

Tumayo na ako sa hapag nang matapos ako sa pagkain. Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa mga regalo nang magtungo kami sa salas ng bahay. Nakagawian na rin sa kanila ang pagbibigay ng regalo kahit pa nasa kanila na lahat ng bagay na naisin nila sa buhay.

“Here’s my gift for you, hope you like it.” Tita Stella handed me her gift at gano’n din sila Lola, Pierce, Dad, at Nics.

Hindi naman na ako naghanap pa ng regalo mula kila Tita Aurelia at Lolo dahil wala naman akong dapat na asahan mula sa kanila. Inabot ko rin sa kanilang lahat ang aking mga regalo na nakalagay sa ilalim ng napakalaking Christmas tree kung nasaan lahat nakalagay ang mga presents namin sa isa’t isa.

Kahit papaano ay naging masaya naman ang pasko ko. Even there’s this thought that bugs my mind since earlier.

“There is one more gift left under the Christmas tree.” Dinig kong sambit ni Nics na hawak hawak ang isang maliit na box.

Napakurap pa ako nang ang mga mata ni Nics ay diretsong nag-angat sa akin mula sa maliit na box na iyon. She then smiled at me.

“It’s for you,” aniya at agad na iniabot sa akin ang maliit na kahon.

Kinuha ko naman iyon at bahagyang naguluhan dahil halos lahat ng nandito ay naibigay na sa akin ang kanilang mga presents except of course kay Tita Aurelia at Lolo Ignacio. Tumayo ako sa aking upuan at tinungo na ang aking silid para ilagay don ang mga reagalong natanggap ko sa kanila.

But as I sat on my bed, hindi ko na nagawa pang bitiwan ang maliit na kahon na huli kong natanggap na regalo na inabot sa akin ni Nics kanina.

I traced the little box and searched for whom it came from. And when I saw my name on the little printed card paper. I blinked and my lips parted in awe.

To: Son of a bitch… Neil Irish.

From: Motherfucker… Rhadmus.

Kabanata 18

Kabanata 18

Pissed

I don’t know why but my heart just leaps for seconds as I saw his name on the card. I don’t know if Nics saw his name on the card because it was inside. There was a name outside the folding card saying it’s for me. But when you open it, you’ll see where it came from.

Hindi ko mawari sa sarili ko kung dapat ba akong ngumiti o hindi. But my heart just races later on as I prolong my stares at his present for me. Kaya naman ay binuksan ko na iyon.

Agad akong napakunot ng noo nang makita ko ang kaniyang regalo. From its box, you’ll already expect that it’s just a small present. I assume that this will be a necklace or some dangle earrings ’cuz he knows that I’m wearing it most of the time. But I was a bit surprised and confused to see what’s inside.

A key…

Let’s see… Last year he gave me a present as well and it was a MacBook Pro 24 Karat Gold laptop. And for Pete’s sake, it cost pretty much a lot especially that it was customized aside that it is already, he also did some changes for me the reason why it cost big time. And now, he prepared me a gift, and seeing this small key in my hand made me hang in astonishment.

It’s Rhadmus. And knowing him, he never gives a damn cheap present nor buys inexpensive stuff. Now, it made me think and wonder where this key will fit in. Damn.

Ni hindi ko inasahan na may regalo pa siya sa akin this Christmas. After all that happened between us, he’s still has the guts to give me this? He really is this crazy.

After Christmas, I spent my New Year in the unit with Mom and Dad. Sa bahay lang kami gaya ng nakasanayan.

“Russ, I have a gift for you.” Ani ko sa kapatid ko na tahimik lang na nakaupo sa sofa sa salas at may suot-suot na headphones kinaumagahan niyon.

Dahil hindi ako nakapagpasko dito sa kanila, I used to give them my gifts during the new year. Naupo ako sa tabi niya at iniabot sa kaniya ang regalo kong alam kong magugustuhan niya.

“Here, open it.” Nakangiti kong sinabi sa kapatid ko but he still didn’t even bother to glance at me.

Baka hindi lang niya ako naririnig dahil nakatodo ang volume ng headphone niya. Kaya naman sinubukan kong alisin iyon pero gano’n nalang ang gulat ko nang taliman niya ako ng tingin.

“What?” Iritado nitong tanong sa akin sa napaka-sungit na tono.

Napaawang naman ang aking mga labi bago nakasagot sa kaniya. Dahil hindi ko maiwasang pagmasdan siya sa mahinahon na paraan kahit pa galit niya akong tinitingnan. “I-I’m sorry. May regalo kasi ako sa’yo. If you mind ope-”

“Just put it there so you can leave and don’t bother me.” He muttered to me coldly.

Napakurap ako sa sinabi niya dahilan para mag-iwas nalang ako sa kaniya ng tingin at tingnan ang kamay kong hawak-hawak ang regalong pinaghandaan kong bilhin para sa kaniya.

“Alright,” tanging ani ko sa namamaos na boses.

Tumayo siya pagkaraan at umalis sa tabi ko nang hindi pinapansin ang regalong hinanda ko para sa kaniya. Bagsak ang magkabila kong balikat na sinundan siya ng tingin nang maglakad siya patungo sa kaniyang kuwarto at padarag na isinara ang kaniyang pintuan.

I blinked as I let a soft sigh. Ilang taon na ang lumipas pero mukhang hindi na nawala pa ang tampo sa akin ni Russco. Since that day I leave this house and decided to live with Papa, hindi ko inasahan na magiging ganito kalaki ang ipinagbago ni Russco.

He became serious now. At kung dati ay ngumingiti pa siya, ngayon ay halos hindi ko na siya nakikita pang ngumiti. Lagi siyang masungit at tahimik. Even to dare to give you a glimpse, he won’t even bother to effort.

Sinubukan ko namang bumawi sa kaniya at kausapin siya nang bumalik ako nang bahay para dito mag-stay nang malaman ko ang nangyaring aksidente kay Kaizer. I tried to compromise and reconcile with him but he just didn’t buy my reasonings. He was so cold that he avoided me most of the time. Which added to my problems at that time.

“Russ, are you still mad at Kuya? I’m sorry-”

“Why are you here? You leave, right?” He said humidly to me.

I asked him that when the month I decided to just stay at the house until I finished my first year in college. Pumasok ako sa loob ng kwarto niya para kausapin siya. And I thought his sulk over me subsided already, but I concluded it wrong.

“Russco,” I gravely uttered dahil masyado nang brusko ang lahat ng sinasagot niya sa akin.

Nakahiga siyang nakatalikod sa akin sa kama habang nakaupo ako sa kaniyang likuran. Hinarap niya ako at ang mga mata niya ay walang gana akong pinagmasdan.

“You’re not my Kuya anymore. And I don’t have a brother.” Malamig niyang ani sa akin at saka ako iniwang nakaupo sa kaniyang kama at patakbong lumabas siya ng silid kasabay ng padarag na pagsarado ng pintuan.

Hindi lang iyon ang unang beses kong tinangka na makipag-ayos sa kapatid ko. Maraming beses kong sinubukan. At sa ilang mga beses na iyon ay miminsan na niya akong tinrato na para bang katulad ng ginawa sa akin nila Kelsy noon.

“Ito o, sayo nalang. I know how much you liked it.” I said as I handed over my headphone to Russco.

Nakatingin sa amin si Mommy sa salas nang iabot ko iyon sa kaniya. Dahil nasabi niya kila Mom na nasira na ang headphone niya at kailangan na raw bumuli ng bago at palitan.

Tiningnan pa niya muna ako bago nagbaba sa kamay ko ang kaniyang mga mata. He then smirked cockily.

“Who are you again? Sorry but I don’t accept things from strangers.” Utas niya sa akin sa halos hindi ko makilala kung si Russco ba talaga itong kausap ko.

“Russco Yusuf! What are you saying to your brother? He’s your Kuya and you should respect him!” Mom imparted in shock when she heard Russco’s rude words.

Nilapitan kami ni Mommy na kakalabas lang galing kitchen para dalhan kami ng meryenda. Si Russco naman ay malamig ang mga matang tiningnan akong muli sa mukha.

“I’m sorry Mom, but this is how we treat strangers right?” He bitterly muttered then suddenly walked out to go to his room.

“Russco!”

Tinawag pa siya ni Mommy pero hindi na niya kami nilingon pa at nagkulong na lamang sa kaniyang kuwarto. Madalas iyong mangyari sa tuwing sinusubukan kong makipag-usap sa kaniya kahit sa kaswal na tono.

He’s changed. And I admit that I hated myself for making him into that. Alam kong ako ang dahilan kung bakit naging gano’n nalang din ang pagtrato niya sa akin. Kaya hindi ko rin siya makuhang masisi.

“Pagpasensyahan mo nalang ang inasal ng kapatid mo. Hayaan mo, we’ll talk to him later. Pagsasabihan namin siya, kami ng Dad mo.” Alo sa akin ni Mom na malungkot ko nalang din na sinuklian ng ngiti.

After New Year ay bumalik muli ako ng subdivision sa bahay. I go back to my usual days at pakiramdam ko ay kahit papaano ay gumaan ang pakiramdam ko kahit pa gano’n ang naging pagtrato sa akin ni Russ sa ilang araw na inilagi ko sa kanila bago magpasukan ngayong bagong taon. Hindi ko na rin nakausap pa si Rhadmus tungkol sa regalong ibinigay niya sa akin dahil hindi na rin naman siya nagpakita pa sa akin since then that night.

Weeks passed at naging abala ako sa pag-aaral at gano’n din si Nics. We go and visit the mansion every weekend. Si Papa naman ay bumibisita rin sa bahay minsan at gano’n din si Pierce.

I feel like I bring my life back to its usual these days. Pero ang hindi ko mawari sa aking sarili ay para bang may hinahanap ang sistema ko. I wasn’t using any sedatives in the past few weeks and my body rejuvenated. Hindi na rin ako pumupunta ng club.

Madalas akong kasama ni Pierce every time he will go for car racing o kung hindi naman ay sa motocross. Sumasama lang ako sa kaniya pero hindi ko naman na sinusubukan pa especially the motocross. I am still not knowledgeable on how to drive a motorcycle. Pierce offered me that he’ll give me a lesson and he’ll gonna be my teacher, I just didn’t accept his offer ’cuz I felt not to.

I don’t know if it’s right, but I am always asking for Pierce’s to-do list every time he’ll do outdoor sports. It’s not because I’m interested to do it. But because…

“Sa Motorcross lang ako this Friday. Sama ka ulit?” Pierce asked me on the other line.

Napalunok naman ako at ipinatong ang isang puting unan sa aking tiyan. I was lying on my bed inside my room when he called me.

“Uhm, yeah. Sigi,” Tanging ani ako.

“You sure you don’t want to try how to drive it? It’s actually basic. If you’re scared don’t worry, nakaalalay naman ako sa’yo. Para naman hindi ka lang nanonood sa akin every time.”

I licked my lips and sigh softly. “No… I’m fine watching you. By the way…uhm,” I trailed off.

Napatingala ako sa kisame ng aking higaan nang hindi ko maituloy ang sasabihin ko sa kaniya.

“Uhm what?” I heard him ask huskily.

I let a heavy sigh this time. “Nothing, I should have to go to sleep now. Go home safe. Goodnight.” I immediately uttered then hang up the call.

Mabilis ang pintig ng puso ko nang mariin akong pumikit. I put my phone down beside me on the bed. I licked my lower lip then bit it later on.

I trailed off. I was about to ask him about Rhadmus. But I can’t cuz I feel that he’ll be questioned mark for me asking about him. Wala naman akong dapat na ikatakot dahil itatanong ko lang naman kung nasaaan si Rhad.

Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko magawa dahil palagi nalang akong pinapangunahan ng matindi kong kaba. And yes, madalas akong sumasama sa mga lakad ni Pierce especially pag recreational activity outside dahil umaasa akong makita siya.

I know it’s a bad sign and an insane doing but I don’t know to myself why I’m doing it! Dahil simula nang huling pag-uusap namin ni Rhad last year ay hindi ko na siya muling nakita pa. Kahit sa mansion ay hindi na rin siya nagpupunta. Kaya sinubukan kong sumama kay Pierce at nagbabakasakaling baka kasama niya ito at makita na siyang muli.

But he wasn’t there…always. Even in the race, he’s not coming. Ilang linggo ko na itong ginagawa ang pagsama kay Pierce para lang makita siya. Pero sa mga araw na umaalis ako, hindi ko siya nakikita.

I wasn’t longing for him. I just wanted to ask about his key present for me last Christmas. And also…curious if where he’s been through and how he had been. Or how everything is going on him?

It’s been months since the last time I saw him. I don’t know what my reasons are was but the only thing I knew to myself is that I am looking for him. He’s been gone for months and the absence of his presence made me feel strange every day.

Marahil ay nasanay siguro ako sa ilang linggo niyang pagsunod sa akin sa school at pangungulit sa gabi every time he cooks us food for dinner. Even his delicious prepared dinner to us every night, my taste buds are craving for it. And it’s insane to think because it’s now my eyes that seem to miss him as well.

Hindi na rin naman kami nagtutungo sa bahay niya kahit pa nasa iisang subdivision lang kami. Especially since Enzo flew abroad, hindi na kami nagpupunta pa sa bahay niya. Remembering my last visit to his house making me uncomfortable as well. It was forceful and very underrated for me, particularly that he’s way older. 

Pero may kung ano sa akin na gusto siyang puntahan na lamang sa bahay niya dahil hindi ko rin naman siya pwedeng hagilapin sa opisina at baka magtaka si Papa at Pierce na sigurado akong nandoon.

Tumagilid ako ng higa at pinagmasdan ang kulay gintong susi na iniregalo niya sa akin. It wasn’t that big but it’s a bit long and tiny. An antique gold bit key.

Is this a house key? The key to his house? I suddenly shook my head when I think of it in that manner. There’s no freaking way he’ll give me his house key. I told him already, we cannot be… But I felt liking hi- stop, I should precisely stop my thoughts of him in that part. This isn’t healthy anymore. Hindi ko dapat siya iniisip. Wala dapat akong ibang iniisip kun’di ang nalalapit ng finals dahil matatapos na ang second semester.

Pabaon kong inihiga ang aking mukha sa aking unan nang pakiramdan ko ay mawawala na ako sa aking sarili. This is right. Mas mabuti nang hindi ko muna siya siguro makita. Tama lang na umiwas siya dahil pinagtatabuyan ko siya. I should stomach this all and I couldn’t just ruin everything I’ve done. Sinabihan ko siya ng masasakit na salita para tigilan ako at para tapusin na ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin. And if I continue this toxic thinking about him, everything will be meaningless that night.

Malapit nang mag-exam at patapos na rin ang last semester ilang linggo na lang. Nagtungo ako nang mansion to visit Lola nang mag-weekends para na na rin malibang at maalis sa isipan ko ang mga isiping tungkol kay Rhadmus. And like the usual, I used my car and Nics was with me.

“Hijo, mabuti at nakauwi kayo ngayon! Tamang tama ang dating ninyo,” ani Lola sa akin na sinalubong ako sa bulwagan ng mansion.

Mahigpit ko siyang niyakap nang halikan niya ako sa pisngi at hapitin ako ng isang mahigpit na yakap. Sumunod naman si Nics na nasa aking tabi.

“Hindi po kasi masyadong abala this week kaya nakadalaw kami ngayon,” I simply react to Lola’s line.

Malawak namang napangiti sa akin ang matanda.

“Bakit po Grandma? May maganda po bang nangyari at ganiyan kaaliwalas ang ngiti sa inyong mga labi?” Tanong naman ni Nics nang humiwalay na ito sa kaniya.

I arched my brows when I noticed it as well. Lola was on her wide grin when she approached us. She’s wearing a very formal dress and freshly made hair from some kind of hairstylist.

“Oo, Nics! Halika at ipapakilala ko kayo Neil!” Nakabungisngis na ani Lola sa amin.

Mas lalo namang nangunot ang aking noo nang sabay pang hawakan nito ang mga kamay namin para hilahin papasok sa loob ng mansion. Nagkatinginan pa kami ni Nics nang ilang sandali bago sumunod sa matanda at nagpatianod patungong salas ng bahay.

“Wala namang may birthday sa’tin nang ganitong buwan right?” I asked Nics nang mapansin ko ang ilang mga bulaklak na nakahilera papasok ng pintuan patungong salas ng bahay.

Nics turn her glance at me and grimace a bit. “I don’t think it’s a birthday, Kuya.” Medyo nakangiwing aniya sa akin.

So what are these flowers for? Mukhang mga bagong pitas pa ang mga ito mula sa malaking hardin ng mga Gutierrez. Hapon na ngayon nang makarating kami. And being welcomed by these bunches of lovely flowers lining up at the entrance of the mansion towards their living area is making me feel so special.

What’s the occasion? Why it appears that our presence at the mansion at the moment seems to be epic timing.

At nang makarating kami sa malaking salas ng mansyon ay bahagyang namilog ang aking mga mata nang makita ko ang isang napakalaking bouquet ng red roses. It wasn’t just a simple bouquet, it’s filled up with lots of red roses! At kung susuriin ay halos mahigit isandaang rosas siguro ang mga iyon kaya naging ganoon kalaki.

Hindi pa ako natatapos sa pagkamangha sa pagtingin sa napakalaking bouquet nang marinig kong magsalita si Lola. Napalingon ako sa kaniya nang bitiwan na nito ang kamay namin ni Nics at gano’n nalang kabilis na nawala ang pagkamangha sa mga mata ko sa nakita.

“Neil and Nics I’m gratefully introducing to you, Dorothy. And she will be a new part of our family.” Pakilala ni Lola sa amin sa isang babae.

Nakahawak si Lola sa dalawang kamay ng babae at abot tainga ang ngiting nakaguhit sa kaniyang mukha. The woman is beautiful. She has those deep eyes and a pointed nose. Rosy cheeks, plump lips, wide hips, and full legs curving down to the knee. An hourglass type of body.

“Nice to meet you, Ate Dorothy.” I heard Nics welcome the woman with her sophisticated glares darting on me.

Binalingan niya si Nics ng tingin at kalaunan ay nakipagbeso. Pumirmi naman ako sa aking kinatatayuan at seryoso lang na pinagmasdan ang babae na may kalayuan mula sa kaniyang pwesto.

“She’ll gonna be part of our family, La? Did I hear it right?” Tanong ko kay Lola sa nag-aalangan ngunit seryosong tono habang si Nics ay nakikipag-beso sa kaniya.

“Yes, magiging pinsan mo na rin siya because she’s-”

“She’s my fiance,”

Napalipat naman ako ng tingin mula kay Lola nang marinig ko ang malamig at pamilyar na boses na iyon. Natigilan ako nang masilayan ng aking dalawang mga mata ang lalaking pababa ng hagdan habang suot-suot ang seryoso at madilim nitong mga tingin. Then he walk towards Dorothy and Lola’s way right after he showed up from the stairs. Para naman akong natigilan sa paghinga. His gravel deep-set eyes never leave my sight as he approached her fiance and grant her a soft kiss to its lips.

“Kuya Rhadmus!” I heard Nics happily shriek then embrace Rhad afterward.

Niyakap naman siya nito pero ang mga mata niya ay nananatili pa ring na sa akin ang tuon matapos nitong mayakap ang kapatid ko. My lips parted as my eyes left in fraction.

“Kailan ka dumating? You didn’t visit us since last year, I miss you. I mean, we all miss you!” Nics exposed with her grin.

Naramdaman ko namang mas dumiin ang mga mata ni Rhadmus na nakatingin sa akin bago niya tiningnan si Nics pabalik.

“I just don’t have time to visit you. Kanina lang kami dumating,” Rhad uttered in a serious manner.

Para naman akong nakahinga ng maluwag nang hindi na niya pinansin pa ang huling sinabi ni Nics at nang nakawala na sa akin ang malalalim niyang mga tingin. But when his glares went back on me again, I stiffened. What the hell, he just creeps the hell out of me by his casual and menace glares. And for goodness sake, I couldn’t help but freeze to where I’m standing. What the fuck is going on with me?!

“Have you met my fiance?”

I flickered. His eyes directly glance at me so it means that I’m the one he’s asking. The hell. Why am I shaking?!

Nag-iwas na lamang ako sa kaniya ng tingin at binalingan ang babae na may magandang ngiti sa mga labi na nakatayo sa kaniyang tabi sa mga oras na ito. I just ignore his question ’cuz I opt not to respond. Then I notice that her fiance glance at Rhad’s face like she was curious. And there I saw the reason why. Rhad’s huge veiny hand snaked from the back of her tiny waist.

“His name is Neil. He’s my most ethereal handsome grandson among these men.” Ani Lola sa babae na mukhang napansin ang naging tanong ni Rhad sa akin na inignora ko lang.

“Hi! Nice meeting you, I’m Dorothy,” the woman sensually introduced herself to me as if it’s her usual voice.

Nag-angat ang mga mata kong hindi ko namalayang nagtagal na pala ng tingin sa kniyang bewang kung nasaan nakahapit ang malaking kamay ni Rhad. I blink to get off my sight out of it then lifted my eyes at her.

“The feeling is mutual,” I thrifty said with a humorless smirk formed on my lips for her. Then I groaned as I looked away because of the unpleasant view in front of me.

I’m bewildered for myself. My heart just beat weirdly when my eyes drifted at Rhadmus. But my mood suddenly changed when I heard him say…fiance.

He’s engaged? And to this beautiful woman. Tss.

Tahimik akong sumama sa kanila patungong dining room pagkaraan. Hindi ako umiimik o kahit tumingin sa gawi nila Rhad at Dorothy ay hindi ko na pinagkaabalahan pang gawin dahil hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. I’m looking for him for a while now but in a silent way of seeking his presence.

I know it’s completely insane but I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I pushed him away because I don’t like him… He’s my cousin too for goodness sake! But why am I feeling annoyed right now instead of being cool and happy for him that he finally met the woman of his life I am asserting to him that fucking night at the parking lot? Goddamn it.

“Where’s Lucio? Send to him my regards,” it was Papa who said that to Dorothy.

Nasa harap na kami ngayon ng hapag. Papa, Tita Aurelia, Lolo Ignacio, and Pierce just came up on time for dinner from work. Gano’n din sila Tita Stella at Tito Leonardo na mga magulang ni Rhad ay nakadalo rin para sa enggrandeng dinner para sa gabing ito. Mabilis na nangyari ang lahat dahil saktong pagpasok namin ng dining ay siyang pagdating din nila.

Damn, I didn’t know that my visit here to the mansion will be this mirthful. Kung alam ko lang na ganito, hindi na sana ako tumuloy. It wasn’t epic though like what I said when I saw the bunches of flowers at the sala. It turns out the opposite.

“I didn’t know about your engagement, Hijo. What a great surprise,” Tita Aurelia said in amused.

Naramdaman ko namang balingan ako ng tingin ni Rhadmus sa harapan ko katabi ang kaniyang fiance. “I didn’t expect it as well. Basta ko nalang naramdaman, so… I decided to ask her and she agreed to it.”

Napalunok pa ako ng malalim nang sabihin niya iyon na para bang isa iyon sa masasayang mga alaala niya. I remained my eyes on my plate like my usual me as I avoid any of their glares. Because I’m not even interested though. I’m not, trust me. Particularly by his dark glares. It’s certainly uneasy.

“Sayang at wala si Enzo! You should meet him as well. Iyon ang pinakamabait sa kanilang lahat ng mga apo ko.” Lola confided to her.

“He’s busy abroad, Ma. Probably after next year pa ang balik niya.” Tita Aurelia informed.

“Neil do you want Thermidor?” Napalingon ako sa katabi kong si Pierce habang abala sila sa usapan nila nang tanungin ako nito.

“No, thanks.” Ani ko dahil hindi sa akin pwede iyon.

“Why? It tastes good, you should try this.”

Inilingan ko naman siyang muli. “Even so Pierce,” I refused him again.

Napanguso naman siya sa akin. At nang mag-iwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin para bumalik sa aking pagkain ay gano’n nalang nanlamig ang kalamnan ko nang ang matalim na mga mata ni Rhad ay mariing nakatingin sa amin ni Pierce.

I swallowed hard. I stared at him back but then the sharpness of his glares on me was suddenly gone.

“I and Dorothy will be staying here this weekend,” He then said.

Mas lalo akong natigilan sa sinabi niya. They will stay here this weekend? Kung kailan nandito ako? Is he fucking serious?

“That’s great! Because I want to know more about you hija!” Lola grinned.

Nakangiti naman si Dorothy nang balingan ko ito ng tingin sa tabi ni Rhad. Tita Stella also gave me a warm smile when I saw her staring at me.

“So kailan ang plano ninyong magpakasal?” Mayamaya ay eksaheradang tanong ni Lolo sa matigas na tono.

Halos mailuwa ko naman ang sinubo kong kanin sa aking bibig nang marinig kong sabihin niya iyon. What the hell am I acting so weird towards everything right now?!

“Ayos ka lang ba?” Dinig kong tanong sa akin ni Pierce nang mapansing halos maduwal ako.

I gulped. “Everything is fine, I’m alright. Thanks.”

“We don’t have a specific date yet. But I will let that to Dorothy,” Rhadmus said with an evil smirk on his lips as he sexily glanced at her fiance beside him.

Hindi ko naman mapangalanan ang kakaibang demonyong nanlalamig sa sikmura ko nang marahang halikan ni Dorothy si Rhadmus sa harapan ko. Sa hapagkainan pa mismo. Seriously?

At nang maghiwalay ang kanilang mga labi ay agad na sa akin dumapo ang mapaglarong niyang mga mata. He bit his lower lip then form it into a grim line, hiding a ghost of a smirk. Such an evil motherfucker.

“Damn, your lips taste like a wine.” I then heard him muttered huskily to Dorothy.

Mahina lang iyon na tanging sila lang ang nakakarinig. But my sharp hearing heard it clearly. Nakita ko pang mahinang tampalin ni Dorothy ang malaking braso ni Rhad dahil sa sinabi nito.

“Stop it, Rhad. We’re in front of your parents.”

Mas lumawak naman ang mapang-uyam na mga ngisi ni Rhad para sa kaniya. “I don’t care. As long as I taste you, no one should care.”

And hearing the motherfucker’s words made me immediately stand up from my sit. Napatingin naman silang lahat sa akin at nahinto sa kanilang pagkain at mga pinag-uusapan.

I gape before I stated my reasonings just to get out of the dining even before they bothered to ask me why. “I’m not feeling well. I’m sorry, aakyat na po muna ako sa kwarto ko.” Nilakasan ko ang loob kong ani dahil alam kong kabastusan ang umalis ng hapag lalo na at hindi pa sila tapos.

But darn him. I can’t stay here in my seat with them at one table. He’s pushing my buttons. I’m pissed. I’m so fucking pissed…and I don’t freaking know to myself if why.

Kabanata 19

Kabanata 19

Stubborn

Rhadmus brooding glares hit me before I left the dining room that made me stifle. I don’t know the reason why I’m so pissed seeing him with that woman. I hated him…for no reason.

I went inside my room with my face in grim. My heart races in so much annoyance. I rolled my hand into a fist as I pressed my lips tightly.

He’s been gone for almost four months and now he’s returning with his so-called fiance. I can’t believe him! I thought he likes me? He said that he loves me? Then why the fuck has he had a fiance now in just a span of months? Isn’t it too fast to move on?

Sabi ko na nga ba at trip lang talaga niya ako no’n. That he really is not serious about everything he was doing for me. Because he’s a man. A straight fucking guy! The reason why he has this fuck’n hell beautiful ass woman at his age with him right now. And about me? After having a relationship with Kaizer before, I counted myself as not. I’m no man.

Teka nga, why am I acting this way?! Fucking hell, I’m not bitter nor against his engagement. It’s just that… I’m pissed that he showed up with this kind of surprise!

I know he’s just doing what is good for him. That having this woman with him will make his curve path into a straight line waygoing to his great life. And there should be no wrong and reasons for me to react this way. I have no right after all. I pushed him away because it’s disgusting. Because I know there will no good in this if I pondered his feelings for me.

Yes. I should stop thinking of him. I admit that in the past months of not seeing him, he’d never left my head. I knew it’s absurd and awfully inaccurate. But somehow, it intrigues me if why am I thinking of someone I shouldn’t be.

Because I just couldn’t be and I don’t know why. It’s like he cast a curse on me since the day we talked that night. And it triggers more when his key present for me happened that flourished my curiosity about him.

He’s stirring up my mind and thoughts since then. It’s not healthy that every time I remembered how he made efforts for me in several weeks just to prove to me how serious he was. The idea of him waiting for me in the parking lot of school, watching him cooking us dinner, annoying me, insulting me, pushing him away while he’s being a hard nut, and…how his lips trapped me to give in. It’s all unhealthy for me, yet…feels so good to reckon.

I know it’s fully all wrong. And just like what I had been doing in the past, sin shouldn’t be tolerated especially entertained…ever.

The morning I woke up I don’t feel like going out of my room. Dahil alam kong sa oras na lumabas ako ng aking silid ay makakasalamuha ko lang siya. It’s not that I should have to avoid him, but it’s more like just for this weekend. Dahil hindi ko gusto and ideyang naiinis akong makita siya.

I have to act cool around him so he won’t notice how pissed I am. Especially that I’m the one who feels the uneasiness between us now. Crazy to think but I had to end my thoughts now.

“Sa gazebo raw tayo magbe-breakfast. Nando’n na sila, ikaw nalang ang kulang. Hurry up,” Pierce informed me when he caught me walking downstairs.

Nasa sales na siya ng living room at hinintay niya pa akong makababa para magsabay na kami papuntang gazebo ng hardin.

“Aren’t you going to the office today?” Bungad ko sa kaniya nang magpang-abot kaming dalawa sa barandilya ng hagdan pagkababa ko.

He’s only wearing his maong pants and caterpillar boots with his plain V-neck grey shirt. He looks good and very neat with it. Habang ako naman ay nakasimpleng loose grey jogging pants and white ribbed tanktop sported by my black sandals dahil plano kong mag e-scooter ngayong umaga at maglibot sa plantation ng mansion.

“I’ll stay for today and tomorrow. You know, just need a break.” He answered.

Nagtungo kami ng hardin sa kabilang side ng mansyon. Malayo pa lang ay natatanaw ko na sa gazebo si Rhadmus na walang saplot pang-itaas. Nakaramdam naman ako ng kakaibang pakiramdam sa tanawing iyon kaya agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin patungo sa malawak na hardin.

Maraming halaman at mga bulaklak ang nakapalibot sa gazebo habang ang pathway na dinaraanan namin ay malawak na pinapagitnaan din ng iba’t ibang klaseng mga bulaklak. Maganda ang sinag ng araw ngayong umaga dahil pagka-apak ko palang sa gazebo ay bahagya na akong nasilaw sa malaking dibdib ni Rhadmus nang ang araw ay nag-reflect do’n. He’s sweating big time.

What the hell is he doing? Why is he not wearing any shirt and only with his black Nike running shorts?!

“Hey, done work out?” Pierced asked on him that feed my curiosity.

Nakatingin ako kay Rhadmus at hindi ko magawang ialis ang aking mga mata sa kaniyang katawan. His muscles were all in the right places. It looks tense maybe because he just finished his workout for today. And I also notice that he became leaner and his muscles became more toner than it was before. Probably because I haven’t seen him for a quite while now.

“Ah-huh,” I heard Rhadmus drawled lazily at Pierce.

My lips parted when I notice the sweat on his chest are like bullets while some of it trickled on his abs shamelessly. I blinked and bit my lower lip later on when I realize myself slaver as fuck when I couldn’t help my eyes out of his bud.

“Loving the view?”

Naestatwa ako at mabilis na nag-iwas ng tingin nang kalaunan ay marinig ko ang seryoso at malalim na boses ni Rhadmus na nasa harapan ko na pala ngayon. Napasinghap ako at para bang ngayon ko lang napagtanto na kanina pa pala ako hindi humihinga.

Naramdaman kong lumapit pa lalo siya akin. Natutop naman ang paningin ko sa gawi nila Lola, Tita Stella, Tita Aurelia, Dorothy at Nics na nasa hapag at nag-aayos ng mga pagkain sa lamesa. Habang si Pierce ay tumutulong sa kanila. Nasa bandang gilid kami ng gazebo, tama lamang ang layo sa kanila para hindi gaano’ng mapansin.

“I can see that you loving the view,” I heard him muttered huskily this time again.

Binalingan ko naman siya agad ng tingin. Pero ang mga mata ko ay kusang nagbaba ng tingin muli sa kaniyang katawan para suyurin siya. I swallowed hard when my eyes stop at his middle wearing his grey sweatpants.

“Yeah, I’m loving the view. Fresh air and uhm…it’s nice that Lola decides to eat breakfast in here. Very nice idea.” Ani ko nang gumapang na ng tuluyan sa kaniyang mga mata ang aking mga tingin.

Nakita ko kung paanong magdilim ang kaniyang mga mata nang magtagpo ang aming mga paningin. He’s towering over me but his glares are leveling the loud beats of my heart right now. What the hell, am I nervous?

Then he smirked sexily with his eyes remained hostile as they bore on me. Smug. “I caught you staring at my body, I just thought maybe you instead want to see it close up so you don’t have to zoom it in your mind-”

“I’m not Rhadmus. What are you saying? The heck.” I immediately defended so I can stop him from assuming too much.

I saw his evil smirk wide at what I stated. And when our glares met again, I just rolled my eyes at him. Tinalikuran ko siya para magtungo na sa lamesang nakahanda para sa amin. Naramdaman ko namang sumunod na rin siya sa akin.

“Oh, there you are! Halika rito sa tabi ko Neil,” Lola reprimanded.

Tumalima naman ako at iniwasan ang gawi ni Rhadmus. Naupo ako sa tabi ni Lola at sa kabilang tabi ko naman ay si Pierce. May mga bulaklak sa lamesa at magara ang ayos nito na para bang nasa okasyon kami kahit umaga. The food looked great but when my eyes caught Rhadmus’s way right in front of my sit, my lips automatically shut.

“Done work out, honey?” Dorothy’s sweet voice filled my ears.

She was standing in front of me with Rhadmus. I’m already in my seat while the two of them remain standing and doing such annoying stuff.

“Yes, hon. Mamaya ulit, sa kwarto naman natin.” I heard Rhad’s dim voice mutter.

Nakita ko namang pamulahan ng pisngi si Dorothy sa sinabi nito. Napakunot naman ako ng noo. Mayabang lang na nakangisi sa kaniya si Rhad habang pinupunasan ni Dorothy ang kaniyang mukha at medyo basang buhok dahil sa pawis. But when the face towel on her hand went on Rhadmus’s chiseled chest, Dorothy’s hand became slow as she glided it to dry.

Hindi ko naman maiwasang mapatiimbagang habang pinagmamasdan sila sa harapan ko. I saw Rhad’s smile turn into a sexy smirk as he tensed his body when Dorothy touched it. He was staring at her like he is spilling some dirt on her mind. They were staring at each other like they are some sweet couple. At nang magbaba ako ng tingin at makitang hawak na ni Rhad ang kamay ni Dorothy this time as he guided her on drying the minimal bullets sweat on his ripped abdomen, I almost gape.

Napatingin si Dorothy sa kamay niyang marahang hawak ni Rhad habang pinupunasan ang abs nito. And there I saw how Rhadmus gaze turn on me like he knew I’m watching them.

I gulped hard but didn’t look away. Instead, I just casually glance at him with no expression as if I don’t care about what they are doing. Because I really don’t care, even they fuck in front of me. The hell I care with them. Tss.

Nag-iwas nalang din ako ng tingin patungo sa aking pinggan pagkaraan. Alam kong mag-fiance sila and having this kind of awkward doings is just normal to them. Kaya pinili ko nalang na mag-iwas ng tingin sa gawi nila dahil hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko for getting annoyed seeing them doing such cringy stuff.

I don’t know if I’m playing dumb and numb here, but I feel like Rhad is really pushing me to my buttons. And I hated him for making me feel that way.

“You’re sweating,” I heard Dorothy mutter as if it wasn’t noticeable to Rhad’s body who just finished his morning workout.

Ang mga mata naman ni Rhad na nakatutop sa gawi ni Dorothy nang balingan ko ng tingin ay mabilis na lumipat sa akin.

“Yeah, I sweat a lot.” He uttered while his eyes remain on me this time.

Mariin naman ang mga mata kong ipinukol sa kaniya bago ako nag-iwas ng tingin.

“Come on, let’s eat. I prepared you food that is rich in protein. Tinulungan ako ni Lola na iayos ito sa hapag kanina.” I heard Dorothy say.

I didn’t opt to glance at them this time especially that their seats were just right in front of me. I remain my sight on my plate and when Tita Stella talked to me I diverted my attention with it.

Hindi naman natapos si Lola sa pakikipag-usap kay Dorothy na para bang aliw na aliw siya rito habang si Tita Stella naman ay sa akin lang ang atensyon.

“Mom, can you teach Dorothy how to bake later this noon?” Mayamaya ay tanong ni Rhad sa kaniyang ina.

Naalis naman ang paningin ni Tita Stella sa akin para balingan ang anak. I’m done eating at hinihintay ko nalang ang iba na matapos para makaalis na ako rito. Because I can’t anticipate sitting here at one table with him in front of me.

“But I’m also going to teach Neil how to bake later. Is that fine with you Dorothy, na sabay ko kayong tuturuan mamaya?” Tita Stella asked his son who’s darkly glaring at me like I did something wrong to him.

Napag-usapan kasi namin ni Tita Stella kanina that she’ll gonna guide me in baking this afternoon because she’s really good at it. Hindi naman na ako tumanggi lalo na at wala naman akong gagawin sa mansion buong maghapon. But now that Rhad is insisting his Mom to teach her fiance to do baking, I guess I have to reschedule mine.

“Ah, Tita Stella, next time niyo na lang po ako turuan. I’ll change my plans this noon na po pala.” Ani ko bago pa makapagsalita si Rhadmus.

Natigilan naman si Tita sa sinabi ko. “W-Why? Pwede ko naman kayong turuan ng sabay ni Dorothy.”

“Yeah, it’s fine with me Neil. I will be happy if you join me so at least I’m not the only one who burned the first pastry we made.” Dorothy suddenly interfere.

Hindi ko siya binalingan ng tingin dahil ayaw kong makita ang mukha ni Rhad na masama ang tingin sa akin ngayon.

“Hindi na po Tita. May pupuntahan po kasi kami ni Pierce mamaya-”

“And where are you two going?” Rhad stoic voice asked interruptingly.

I didn’t take a glance at him and just ignored what he was asking. Umalis na si Pierce sa hapag kanina pa dahil may aasikausahin lang daw muna siya sa kwarto at dinahilan ko lang na may lakad kami so I can remove myself from this trap.

“Uhm, pasok na po ako sa loob. Naghahanda na rin po kasi si Pierce dahil before nine o’clock ang lakad namin.” Ani ko pa kay Tita Stella para makawala na sa kanila at inignora na lamang ang kuryosidad ni Rhad.

Sila Lola naman at Tita Aurelia ay hinayaan na akong makaalis sa hapag nang makapagpaalam ako sa kanila. Si naman ay Nics nanatili ro’n the same as the fiancee. Umalis ako ng gazebo ng hindi binabalingan ng tingin si Rhad at Dorothy.

I know it’s wrong and appeared like I’m annoyed to them. But I just really can’t take a glance at them two ’cuz I feel so pissed every time I see how Dorothy gazes at him. Like she’s inducing Rhad all the time. She’s just so sensual with everything she does for him and I’m… I’m hating it.

“Let’s do some rounds with the scooter. Wala ka naman gagawin ’di ba?” Ani ko kay Pierce nang makapasok ako sa silid niya.

He was leaning on the headboard of his bed while he seems so busy with the laptop on his lap. Naupo ako sa kabilng gilid sa harapan niya. Nag-angat naman siya sa akin ng tingin but it was quick ’cuz he returns his gaze back on the screen immediately.

“I can’t,” he drawled lazily.

Napakunot naman ako ng noo sa kaniya. “What? Akala ko ba ay wala kang gagawin? That you’ll be taking a break from work reason why you decided to stay here in the mansion for two days this weekend. So why not?” Eksaherada kong tanong dahil dinahilan kong may lakad kami kaya hindi na ako makakasama pa para sa baking lesson ni Tita Stella mamayang tanghali.

Blanko namang nag-angat sa akin ng tingin si Pierce. “I am taking my break now as you can see, Neil Irish.” Pilosopo niyang sagot sa akin.

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin. Umandar na naman ang kasungitan niya.

“Then don’t Pierce Laurent,”

Patayo na ako mula sa pagkakaupo ko sa kaniyang kama nang marinig ko ang namamaos niyang halakhak. Gano’n nalang din akong natigilan nang maramdaman kong hapitin niya ang aking baywang gamit ang kaniyang binti pabagsak muli sa kama. 

“Just kidding, Neil. I’m coming with you. Alam mo namang malakas ka sa’kin.”

Pasiring ko naman siyang hinarap. Nanatili naman ang isang binti nitong nakagapos sa aking tiyan. Hindi ko maitatanggi na nitong mga nakalipas na buwan ay si Pierce ang nakakasama ko kaya mas lalong naging malapit ang loob namin sa isa’t isa.

“Huwag na, you’re busy right?”

“I said I’m just pranking you. Come on, tell me what should I do with you?” Tanong niya sa akin nang may nakakalokong ngisi na nakaguhit sa kaniyang labi habang ang kaniyang buhok ay bahagyang nagulo.

Tinulak ko naman siya agad nang mapansin kong palapit ng palapit sa akin ang kaniyang mukha. Nang-uuyam. Malakas naman siyang natawa sa ginagawang kalokohan. I shook my head.

“Ano ba Pierce! You’re such a jerk!” I shouted at him when he’s being naughty again.

The past month of being with him, I must say that I see the other side of him. He’s not only serious nor a perv, but he’s also naughty and it sometimes annoyed me.

“Alright! Let me just finish this one so I can go on with you for the rest of this day.” Aniya sa bahagyang seryosong tono nang naiinis ko siyang binalingan.

Humarap siya sa laptop niya at nagseryosong muli. Hindi naman ako nakagalaw dahil ang kaniyang kaliwang binti ay nananatili pa ring nakahapit sa aking tiyan. Madalas niya itong gawin kaya nasanay na lang din ako.

“Pierce I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll prepare for our activity this morning. Let me go,” ani ko sa kaniya para makatayo na at makapagpalit na ng damit.

But he didn’t pay attention to what I’d said. Kaya naman inalis ko nalang ang mahabang binti niyang nakahapit sa aking tiyan para makatayo na ako. But before I finally do it, I heard the shrieked of the open door.

“What the hell,” it was a huge dark voice that made my eyes widen a fraction.

Napalingon ako kay Rhadmus na may madilim na tingin at nanunuring mga mata na sa akin agad dumirekta nang mabuksan niya ang pintuan. His eyes crawled on my body where Pierce’s leg was wrapping me.

I gape when I sense how his glares almost killed Pierce’s legs on my body. But what I’m not expecting is when he just looked away like he didn’t saw it. He didn’t pay interest in it and he just walked straight in front of me beside Pierce’s bed, ignoring my presence.

“Lolo wants to talk to you this afternoon in the office.” Seryosong ani nang malalim na boses ni Rhad kay Pierce na nananatiling nakatuon ang paningin sa ginagawa.

“What? Why? It’s my break today. And I have things to do this noon,” Pierce uttered while he remained his eyes on what he was doing.

“It’s important Pierce more than your plans for this morning nor this whole day.”

Sa pagkakataong ito ay napabaling na ng tingin si Pierce kay Rhadmus. Hindi ko naman maiwasang pagtakhan ang galit na ekspresyon ni Rhad na nakatingin kay Pierce.

“You have to conform, you know the rules.”

Napanguso naman si Pierce at agad na napabaling sa akin. He then arched his brow. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can go out with you for today. I hope you understand Lolo’s comings.” He explained to me.

Napakurap naman ako. Napalunok pa ako ng bahagya nang ang seryosong mga tingin ni Rhadmus ay tumungo sa akin sa pagkakataong ito.

“No, it’s alright. You should go. Lolo won’t call you if it’s not urgent.” Ani ko sa kaniya.

Ilang saglit pa kaming nagkatitigan na tatlo bago naunang tumayo si Pierce sa kama para maghanda na sa pag-alis. Si Rhad naman ay walang buhay pa muna akong pinagmasdan bago niya tuluyang nilisan ang silid.

Mahinang buntonghinga naman ang pinakawalan ko pagkaraan. Hindi na rin ako nagtagal pa sa kwarto ni Pierce dahil kailangan na rin niyang tumalima sa tawag ni Lolo. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko kanina ay nanlumo ako nang gano’n na lamang ang paraan ng pagtingin sa akin Rhad.

I hate to admit but I maybe expecting him to react when he caught Pierce’s leg on my body but he wasn’t. I shouldn’t expect such things this way especially that he’s totally out of it. He has a fiance now and having this mindset about Rhadmus is already unhealthy for me.

I still don’t like him. At kung ang sistema ko ay nagkakagulo sa tuwing nakikita ko siya ngayon, marahil lang siguro iyon sa matagal din kaming hindi nagkita. And also the reason that his aura change a bit in my view. He became rugged and tremendous more than he was the last time. Na para bang hindi nangyari ang gabing iyon sa amin.

Lumabas ako ng silid ko ilang oras pagkaraan nang mapagtanto ko na hindi ako pwedeng manatili sa aking silid. Dahil nai-dahilan ko kay Tita Stella kanina na may lakad kaming dalawa ni Pierce ngayong umaga. Pero dahil may lakad ng mag-isa si Pierce ngayon ay balak ko nalang na mag-isa na lamang na mag-scooter para libutin ang malawak na hardin at plantation sa likuran ng mansion.

I didn’t wear my gears dahil sanay naman na ako sa pagmamaneho nito. I get my scooter from our maids and rode it. Sikat na ang araw dahil patanghali na rin nang umalis ako. Inuna kong tunguhan ang gawing gilid ng mansion kung saan makikita ang malawak na ekta-hektaryang lupain ng mga Gutierrez.

Hindi gaanong mainit and daang pinili kong daanan dahil sa mapuno sa bandang ito. Sentrilisado ang daan kaya hindi ako nahirapan sa pagmamaniobra ng scooter ko. May parte ring hindi sementado ang daan at ’yon ay sa bahaging makikita ang ilang mga kuwadra. Malawak ang lupain ng mga Gutierrez at itong dinadaanan ko ay sakop pa ng bakuran ng mansion. At sa kabila nito ay lupain pa rin nila kung saan makikita naman ang ilang plantation nila bukod pa sa plantation ng mga bulaklak sa likuran ng mansion.

Sa tulin ng pag-andar ko ay hindi ko maiwasang maglayag ang aking isipan. Malakas ang bungad sa akin ng hangin habang dinaraanan ko ang nagtatayugang puno ng mahogany sa gilid ng kalsada. Hindi ko lubos mawari ang biglang ihip ng puso ko.

I have tamed and healed myself in the past months of not thinking about Kaizer and of not seeing Rhadmus. But then I feel like there was a structure inside me that has to be rebuilt again and fulfilled. I just can’t figure it out and be specific about it at this point. Because maybe I’m also scared about the risk and the damage it can cause my life once I uncover it.

I should be happy for Rhad this time. Because now I can assure that he’s finally out of his feelings for me. He has her fiance. Which I can now assure that the things between us can be burried so that we can live peacefully after all. And talking about what happened between us last year won’t do well anymore. I think this is already settled. Acting like there is nothing happened is what I should do as well.

Huminto ako sa may lilim ng malaking puno nang makaramdam ako ng pagod sa aking mga iniisip. Malayo na rin ang narating ko. Lumingon ako sa likurang pinanggalingan ko at halos hindi ko na iyon matanaw mula rito. Kaya naman nang magbalak na akong bumalik na sa mansyon para sa pananghalian dahil nakalimutan ko ring makapagpaalam kay Lola na aalis ako ngayong umaga ay iniliko ko na ang scooter ko. Mabilis ko iyong iminaniobra paliko at hindi ko napansin na may malaki pa lang bato na nakaharang sa daraanan ko paliko.

“What the fuck!” Bulalas ko bago pa man magdire-diretsong lumiko ang e-scooter dahilan para matumba ito at bumagsak ako sa lupa sa gilid ng puno.

I groaned when I felt the pain at my elbow. Mabilis ang pangyayari at hindi ko napansin na may bato pala ron sa pinagbagsakan ko at namalayan ko nalang na may dugo sa gilid ng ulo ko nang mahawakan ko iyon. It wasn’t bleeding too much, hindi rin naman gaanong masakit ang parteng iyon ng ulo ko marahil ay nagasgsan lamang sa pagbagsak ko.

Pero nang tatayo na sana ako ay do’n ko na naramdaman ang sakit. “What the heck,” Mariin akong napapikit nang indahin ko ang kirot ng braso at ulo ko.

Mariin akong napakagat labi dahil sa tindi ng sakit niyon. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto akong pumirmi at hindi gumalaw sa pinagbagsakan ko para lang pakalmahin ang sarili mula sa sakit na narramdaman ng katawan.

Marahan ang ginawa kong paghinga habang iniinda ang sakit nang tangkain kong tumayong muli. May narinig pa akong kalaskas ng takbo ng kabayo nang tumumba lang akong muli sa lupa.

“Sino ’yan?” Nabosesan ko ang malaki at malalim na boses ni Rhadmus.

I don’t know if it was really him or I’m just hallucinating in my case right now because I think of him too much. But then, when my eyes saw his sculpted jaw glaring at me darkly with his thick brows arched in menace, I blink. It was Rhadmus only with his maong rugged pants and caterpillar boots, shirtless, walking towards my way with his eyes in menace.

“Fuck, what happened to you?” I heard him mutter hostily.

Hindi naman ako nakapagsalita dahil nang subukan niya akong itayo ay halos tadyakan ko siya sa sobrang sakit. “Rhadmus I’m hurting!” I exclaimed as I groaned in excruciating pain when he held my injured arm.

Agad naman siyang tumigil sa ginagawang paghawak sa braso ko. “I’m sorry. Damn, you’re bleeding Neil Irish. Let me carry you to the mansion. You have to see by a doctor.”

Agad naman akong umapila sa sinabi niya. “I-I’m alright! It’s just bruises-”

“You’re bleeding and your arm, I think it’s broken. So shut the fuck up and let me carry you,” He angrily uttered to me like I did something wrong.

“It’s just my other arm, Rhadmus. Kaya kong tumayo, alalayan mo nalang muna ako. I’m just injured, I can walk!” I asserted when I felt his huge hand began to scrape my legs at the ground.

Hindi naman niya ako pinansin at nagpatuloy lang siya sa ginagawa. Hinawakan rin niya ang kaliwang braso ko na hindi sumasakit at don ako inalalayan. Tinulungan niya akong makatayo at do’n ko naramdaman ang kaunting hilo na dulot ng pananakit ng ulo ko mula sa pagkakatumba.

“I told you, I had to carry you-”

“I said I can. You don’t have to.” Mariin kong ani kahit pa kumikirot ang ulo ko.

Hinayaan naman niya akong tumayo. Iniwan niya ako saglit at napansin kong may dala siyang kabayo, nilapitan niya iyon at may kinuha siya ron. Mabilis naman niya akong binalikan at gano’n nalang akong napasigaw nang bigla bigla niyang taliaan ang balikat ko gamit ang kaniyang itim na t-shirt at ilagay roon ang kamay ko na injured.

“Fuck, Rhadmus what the hell are you doing?!” I exclaimed in pain.

“Sorry but you need this. It will serve as your temporary arm sling. Iuuwi na kita,” aniya matapos niyang maiayos ang ginawang arm sling para sa braso ko.

Maglalakad na sana ako para itayo ang scooter ko nang magsalita siya na nagpatigil sa akin sa gagawin.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting my e-scooter so I can go back to the mansion.”

Nakita ko namang magsalubong ang dalawang makapal niyang kilay at mag-igting ang kaniyang mga panga sa sinabi ko. Madilim niyang tiningnan ang scooter na nakatumba malapit sa puno na para bang may ginawa itong masama sa kaniya at pagkaaran ay agad akong nilapitan. At walang ano-ano ay natigilan nalang ako nang bigla niya akong buhatin. He scoop my weak knees and aching back as he carried me lightly by his huge massive arms.

“Don’t shout nor complaint for carrying you or else I’ll drag you down and let you groan in so much pain. You choose,” He grumbled in peril with his rage eyes sharpening on me to shut up.

“Fine,” iritado ko namang ani sa kaniya at hindi na umapila pa.

Masama ko lang siya na tiningnan sa mga mata dahil ayaw ko namang basta nalang niya akong bitiwan. Ilang saglit kaming matalim na nagtitigan sa isa’t isa bago siya nag-umpisang maglakad at marinig na may sabihing muli.

“Such a stubborn hard-headed ass.”

“Ano?!” Inis kong tanong nang marinig ang kaniyang sinabi.

Masakit na ang ulo ko at ang marinig pa ang kaniyang mga sinasabi ay mas pinapalala lang ang sitwasyon ko.

I heard him clear his throat and take a gravel glance at me before he straddles at the saddle of his horse.

“I said you’re such a stubborn hard-headed ass, son of a bitch.”  He frigidly muttered the second time that makes me more freaking aggravated.

Damn you Rhadamanthus. You really are a motherfucker.

Kabanata 20

Kabanata 20

Room

Sumakay kami sa kabayo na dala niya. I was sitting on the saddle in front of him while he’s on my back. I insist to sit like a cowboy but he opts me not to. Pinaupo niya ako na parang babae sa harapan niya and I couldn’t help but protest that I can sit like it.

“Kaya kong ibuka ang mga binti ko. Makakaupo ako ng maayos kapag gano’n ang posisyon ko-”

“I said shut the fuck up, Neil. Uupo ka sa paraang gusto ko o ihuhulog kita sa kabayo ko.” He shut me off.

Nagtitimpi naman akong nagtiim bagang sa paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya sa akin. It’s like the first time we met. The tone of his voice was boast and so patronizing. It pissed me to the bones that I just want to be left here and not caught by his help. He’s so harsh and I didn’t like it.

Pinatayo niya ang kabayo at nag-umpisa na itong maglakad. Masama ang tingin ko sa bawat punong madadaanan namin dahil sa halong galit at inis na nararamdaman ko para kay Rhad. Ni hindi ko man lang kayang umalma sa panakot niyang ihuhulog niya ako sa kabayo dahil alam kong tototohanin niya iyon. And by looking at my situation right now, protesting should be my very least option to do if I wanted to go home.

Kung hindi lang kasi ako tanga at napansin ang batong puno’t dulo ng pagkahulog ko, hindi ko na sana kailangan ang lalaking ’to. He’s being brute to me again. Is it because of what happened that night?

“Huwag kang malikot,” he muttered drastically on me.

Halos hindi pa kami nangangalahati pabalik ng mansyon sa bagal ng paandar ng kabayo at ngangangalay na ako sa posisyon ko.

“Nangangalay na ako. I want to move and you have nothing say on it.” Iritable kong ani sa kaniya.

Naramdaman ko naman ang matalim niyang mga mata na nakapukol sa akin ngayon. His chest was poking my shoulder as the horse moved. He was freaking shirtless since this morning. What the hell is wrong with this person.

“Huwag ka sabing malikot-”

“I said nangangalay na ako Rhadmus! Kung hindi pang-upong babae kasi ang pinagawa mo sa’kin e’di sana hindi ako naglilikot ngayon. It’s your fault so stop nudging me to settle.” I fired when I get so much annoyed by his presence beside me.

He’s being bossy again that he wants me to conform to every command he was giving me. And I hated it. I don’t want to be ruled by this motherfucker. Never.

Kaya naman ay gumalaw ako at umayos ng upo sa saddle nang maramdaman kong mahuhulog na ako. At nang hindi pa sapat ang ayos ng posisyon ko ay humawak ako sa saddle at umusad pang muli. But when I was about to move again so I can sit properly, I saw Rhadmus’s hand maneuver the rope of the horse, commanding it to move faster.

“What the– Rhadmus mahuhulog na ako!” I screamed when the hoarse gallops began to move rapidly.

“Tss, ngayon ka gumalaw at tingnan natin kung hindi ka mahulog.” I heard him mumble in hostility.

Nag-aalburoto ko namang ikinapit ang kaliwa kong kamay sa saddle para hindi ako mahulog. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko at ang braso ko naman na may arm sling ay kumikirot sa mabilis na pagtakbo ng kabayo.

“Move, Neil Irish. That’s what you want right?” I heard him say in humid sarcasm.

I was gritting my teeth when I felt my butt was about to slip from the saddle. The horse was fast and I couldn’t move. My arm and head were aching and this brute beside me seems to be fond of seeing me struggle!

“Mahuhulog na ako-”

“Hold on my shoulder then. Put your left hand behind my neck so you won’t fall.” Anito sa malamig na tono.

“No, just pull the rope of the horse. Let’s halt,” ani ko dahil hindi ko gusto ang ideya niyang i-angkla ko ang aking braso sa kaniyang batok at mas lalo na ang isiping kumapit ako sa kaniyang braso.

But the moment I said that to him, I felt him fasten the rope again making the horse gallop more! Fuck! He really wants me to fall if I will not hold onto him!

“Hindi ko na papahintuin ang pagtakbo ng kabayo dahil kailangan mo ng matingnan sa mansion. Your blood is dripping at the side of your cheek. Kaya mamili ka. Kumapit ka sa’kin o mahuhulog ka.”

“It’s either you fall… or you’ll hold on to me.” Dagdag pa niya sa malalim at seryosong paraan.

Damn. I have no choice dahil mahuhulog na ako sa kabayo! So I clasped his biceps so I can put in myself properly at the saddle and then immediately clung my arm around his neck. Lumalakas ang tibok ng ulo ko dahilan para sumakit ito lalo. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba ito sa tirik ang araw o sa pagkakabagsak ko kanina. Nahihilo ako.

“Lean your head at my chest, Neil. Namumutla ka, malapit na tayo sa mansion don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” I heard him said to me in a very serious manner.

Sa pagkakataong ito ay hindi na ako umangal pa. Isinandig ko aking ulo sa kaniyang dibdib habang ang kaliwa kong kamay ay mahigpit na nakakapit sa kaniyang batok. I feel weak to the point na hindi ko na binigyang pansin ang pagkakalapat ng mga balat naming dalawa sa isa’t isa. I even gripped the hair of his head at the back when I felt my right arm ache as we joggle by the horse.

Napasama ang pagkahulog ko sa scooter kanina. And now my body got injured. I harshly gritted my teeth nang ang kirot sa kanang braso ko ay mas tumitindi.

“You’ll be fine, just hold on to me. We’re near at the mansion.” I heard him said worriedly this time.

It seems that he notices me being weak at this point. Dahil naramdaman ko ang isa niyang kamay na hapitin ang tagilirang baywang ko para alalayan at aluin sa sakit na nararamdaman. I even felt his hand clasp my skin like his fingers squeezing me not to give in.

Nakapikit ako sa mga oras na ito dahil sa hilo at sakit ng aking ulo. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay mahigpit akong nakakapit sa kaniyang katawan habang hawak naman niya ang aking tagliran. Pakiramdam ko ay ligtas ako sa paraan ng paghawak niya sa akin. His rough calloused hand was caressing my waist as I felt his body tense every time I gripped his shoulder with my dagging nails in excruciating pain I feel.

Namalayan ko nalang na nasa mansyon na kami nang marinig ko siyang magtawag ng kasambahay para tawagin si Lola at Tita Stella. Naramdaman ko ring huminto na sa pagtakbo ang kabayo nang nasa likuran na kami ng mansyon sa plantation ng mga bulaklak. May daanan do’n papasok ng mansion kung saan makikita rin sa labas ang mga kuwadra ng ilang kabayo na pinagkuhanan ni Rhad.

“We’re here. Kaya mo bang maglakad? Fuck, I’ll carry you anyway.” I heard him curse under his breath.

And later on, I felt him lift me down the horse and carry me like his bride. He walked at the entourage at the top of the rock formation stairs where I can discern the maids, Lola and Tita Stella’s worried face waiting for me. Nahihilo man ay pinilit ko pa ring imulat ang aking mga mata.

“Jusko, anong nangyari sa apo ko?!” It was Lola’s worried panic voice when Rhad finally reach the huge back double doors of the mansion.

Buhat buhat pa rin niya ako hanggang sa makapasok kami sa loob ng mansion. Si Lola at Tita Stella naman ay nag-aalalang nakasunod sa amin ni Rhadmus.

“We need you as soon as possible. Yes, it’s an emergency Doc! I don’t know what happen but his head is bleeding that’s why we need you!” I familiarized Tita Stella panicking voice in so much worry as she talked over the phone.

Agad namang hinawakan ni Lola ang mga kamay ko pagkababa sa akin ni Rhadmus sa sofa ng salas.

“What happened Rhad? Namumutla ang apo ko! Why is his head bleeding?! Stella, have you called Agustine?” Si Lola na sobrang nag-aalalang tanong.

“Yes, Ma. He will be here in about a few minutes.”

“I saw him at the pillars under the mahogany tree. He had his scooter there. I don’t know exactly what happen but he had to be consulted. His right arm was broken and the side of his head was bleeding.”

“Neil, are you alright? The doctor will be here anytime soon.” It was Tita Stella’s soft voice who said that to me.

“Kuya? What happen- Oh my gosh. Kuya Neil? What happened to him?” It was Nics voice who just came in.

Natanawan ko siyang pababa ng hagdan kasama si Dorothy. Bigla namang nag-iba ang tipla ng pakiramdam ko nang makita ko itong lapitan si Rhadmus. Nag-iwas na lamang ako ng tingin at ipinikit na lang ang aking mga mata dahil nahihilo pa rin ako.

Hindi ko na namalayan ang mga sumunod na nangyari dahil nang magmulat ako ng aking mga mata ay nasa silid ko na ako. Napapikit pa ako nang maramdaman kong kumirot ang aking ulo nang akma akong tatayo mula sa pagkakahiga.

“Huwag ka na munang gumalaw. I know it hurts but you’ll get better. You should get enough rest para mabilis na maghilom ang mga sugat mo.” Ani Tita Stella sa akin na agad akong inalalayan sa pabalik sa paghiga.

My right hand was now covered with a cast and been lay in my arm sling. It’s not my first time to be injured though, ’cuz the last time I had is when I’m on the varsity. But the gauze in my head felt weird.

Inayos ni Tita Stella ang unan ko sa aking uluhan para makasandal ako ng maayos. Napansin kong mukhang kanina pa siya nandito sa aking silid at nagbabantay sa akin hanggang sa magising ako. Nang matapos niyang ayusin ang unan sa aking likuran ay malamyos niya akong tiningnan sa mga mata.

“Are you hungry? Hindi ka pa nagla-lunch. Sandali, let me get you some food.”

“Hindi na po-”

“No, I’ll get you some. Just stay there and rest. Huwag ka munang gumalaw alright?” Mahinahon nitong ani sa akin.

Napangiwi ako at tumango na lamang sa kaniya kalaunan. Wala na rin naman siyang sinabi at naglakad na siya palabas ng kwarto ko. Mahina naman akong napabuntong-hininga nang maalala ang nangyari sa akin kanina. Rhadmus did help me– save me. Even he’s such a nut for making me struggle despite my circumstances a while ago.

I’m getting confused about his actions. I know it’s accurate to treat me like how he treated me before. Being bossy and oppressive stance with his boast menace tone. But I just can’t figure out to myself why it feels strange to me. Because I know that I hated him that way. I’m indignant with him since the first time we met. It pissed me off every time he spoke. But remembering myself in my dark days where I’m lost about Kaizer’s incident. He became a friend to me…a brother…more than just a cousin. Wherein his harsh treatment towards me change in just a flip of a coin. And I know now the reason why.

He likes me- no, he loves me that’s according to him. But after that cold night confrontation, he was gone for months. And now that he came back home he is already engaged. I should be glad that he found his woman. Believe me or not, I’m trying to be happy for him. What I can’t understand is that his way of treatment on me.

He acts like nothing happened between us, which is true but what I mean here is about the stupid confession and the endeavor he executed in the days he wants me to like him back. There is no problem with me if we act casually like what happened between us never happened. But treating me the way he deals with me before, I don’t think I can agree with it.

He’s being harsh to me again and I hate it…a lot. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko ba siyang kumprontahin para ron at kausapin tungkol sa nangyari nang gabing iyon. I’m aware that there is no need for us to talk about what happened that night because it’s already settled. But bringing it up at this point will make sense especially pertaining to his acts on me. I think I should have.

Mariin na lamang akong napakurap sa mga isiping iyon. At saktong pagdilat ng mga mata ko ay dumako sa upuan ni Tita Stella sa tabi ng aking kama ang aking paningin. I notice that there was an album, I’m not particular because it also looks like a magazine, probably she was reading it while waiting for me to wake up a while ago.

Naalis lang do’n ang paningin ko nang bumukas ang pintuan at makita na pumasok si Lola, Tita Stella at Nics na may dalang tray na may lamang mga pagkain.

“How are you feeling?” Lola asked me calmly this time so unlikely a while ago na sobra siyang nag-aalala.

Matipid ko siyang nginitian para naman maipakita na maayos na ang pakiramdam ko kahit papaano. “I’m getting well po,”

Naupo si Lola sa aking paanan habang si Tita Stella at Nics naman ay inaasikaso ang aking pagkain.

“Mabuti naman kung gano’n. Naipakuha ko na pala ang scooter mo. I don’t want to see you using that stuff again. Aatakihin ako sa puso kanina sa’yo if you just know how worried I am.” Lola stated in an aloof tone.

Napakagat labi naman ako sa sinabi niya. I cause them trouble just because of my idiocy. I reach Lola’s hand to hold it and say my apology.

“I’m sorry La. I promise I’ll be more careful next time-”

“There will be no next time, Neil, please. Never used that stupid stuff again. We have horses at the back of the mansion. They are plenty, you can either use any of them.” Lola interrupted me hurriedly.

Alam at ramdam ko ang labis na pag-aalala niya para sa akin kaya ganito na lamang niya ako paghigpitan ngayon. We have horses but I don’t even know how to ride those creatures. Dahil ang mas alam ko lang naman na gamitin sa paglilibot dito sa mansion ay ang e-scooter na tinuro sa akin ni Enzo. He actually tried to instruct me one-time sa kabayo niya but I’m too tensed to ride horses kaya ending, scooter ang tinuro niya sa akin.

I’m not fond of animals, though I care for them it’s just that I’m not that astonished with it. Tumango na lamang ako kay Lola para naman kahit papaano ay gumaan ang pakiramdam niya para sa akin. They serve me my food at hindi naman ako nahirapan sa pagkain. Nics was also there to update me about the school activity tomorrow especially in my case right now. Patapos na ang sem and this happened to me. Hindi ako pwedeng lumiban sa klase dahil finals na namin sa susunod na mga araw.

“You just have to take a rest, a well rest. Lalo na yung braso mo. The doctor said that it wasn’t your first time?” Tita Stella asked me matapos kong kumain.

Nakaupo siya sa upuan sa tabi ko habang si Nics ay nasa sofa malayo sa amin at si Lola naman ay nasa paanan ko nakaupo, nakikinig.

“Yes, I got injured before when I was on senior. Varsity thing Tita.” Ani ko sa sinabi niya.

Nakita ko namang mapakurap siya at marahang tumango tango sa akin na para bang naiintindihan na ngayon. “I see, your bone wasn’t fractured. Na-dislocate lang siya sa pagkakabagsak mo reason why it’s painful and swelling. Just give your arm some rest, it will heal soon. And be more careful please.”

I just nod my head to what everything she said as well as with Lola’s tirade. They also informed me that my head was also fine. Hindi naman daw malala ang pagkakabagok ng ulo ko sa binagsakan kong bato kaya hindi naman daw iyon malubha. It’s just a shallow bruise that results in bleeding.

Hindi na rin naman nagtagal sila Lola sa aking silid at umalis na rin sila pagkaraan para makapagpahinga ako. Ramdam ko ang kanilang pag-aalala and I appreciate how Tita Stella assists me like his son. Kahit pa si Tita Aurelia ay hindi man lang ako nagawang tunguhan para kumustahin ay masaya ako na napakabuti ng trato sa akin ni Tita Stella. She took care of me like I’m part of them without seeing the boundaries of being a bastard of their family. Either Lola, I’m much glad and thankful that they were so generous and prime people who treated me very well with their genuine kindness.

Nagpahinga ako pagkaalis nila. Tanghali nang mangyari ang insidente at madilim na nang magising ako matapos kong makatulog. Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko kanina pero dahil ilang oras din akong nakatulog ay kahit papaano ay gumaan na ang aking pakiramdam. Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras din akong nakatulog pero nang subukan kong tumayo sa aking kama at maglakad patungong veranda ng aking silid ay natanawan ko ang bilog na buwan sa madilim na kalangitan.

My legs were not injured kaya nagagawa ko pa namang tumayo. It’s just my right hand I can’t move while my head remains a bit heavy but I get better a lot than earlier. Lumabas ako ng silid ko para tumungo ng kusina dahil inuuhaw ako. I haven’t yet eaten my dinner at hindi na rin nila siguro ako ginising para tuloy tuloy lang na makapagpahinga.

Madilim na ang loob ng mansion pagkalabas ko sa aking silid. Patay na ang mga ilaw sa itaas at maging ang mga chandeliers at ilaw sa ibaba. Tanging ang malaki at bilog na bilog na nagliliwanag na buwan sa madilim na kalangitan lang ang nagbibigay tanglaw sa akin sa pagbaba ng hagdan. The moon glints from our huge window glasses at the upper part of the mansion. Dahilan para maaninag ko ang daraanan ko pababa ng staircase.

Hindi ko maiwasang maisip na hindi man lang ako tinunguhan ni Rhadmus sa aking silid matapos niya akong maibaba sa sofa kanina nang makabalik kami ng mansion. Not that I want to see him but it’s just that I want to talk to him this time. Alam kong mali ang naging asal ko sa kaniya lalo na at siya itong tumulong sa akin. Though his attitude was abysmal to me I’d still want to talk to him so we can move on totally. Especially him now that he’s engaged.

Mariin lang akong nagtiim bagang nang makababa ako ng hagdan. Hindi ko alam pero nakaramdam ako ng kirot sa aking dibdib sa ideyang engage na siya. I pushed him away before and now I’m acting like I lose the battle I win at the very first game. Here’s my reward now, I get what I want and that is to protect our family and ourselves as well from any harm that his love can inflict us.

I know my boundaries and that is what I tried to protect. I obstruct his feelings for me so the chain of the past won’t repeat itself at the present. I stop him because that is the right thing to do. Pero bakit parang lahat nalang ng tamang gawin ko ay sinasaktan lang ako pagdating sa huli?

I’m indeed a human. Because in life, sometimes pain means right and what feels good is the mistakes of temporary happiness. We don’t know where to settle. In pain where liberty prevails or in the short-term happiness where you committed mistakes. And all that being said, contentment and knowing your purpose will make you find where to place yourself.

And I chose to stay away from him. I chose to push and stave off Rhadmus’s feelings for me in exchange for sheltering myself in the place where I should belong. Our family. At kung paiiralin ko ang kapusukan at pagkamakasarili ko, I don’t think they’ll treat me better. Dahil ang magmahal muli ng isang kadugo ay isang kapusukan at kasalanang iluluwa ng kahit na sino.

I often say that I don’t like him. And I’m true to it. But I don’t know if it’s just my system but… I always wanted his presence. I like it every time I feel annoyed and so much pissed because of him. I like it every time he treated me differently. I like to annoy him as well. I like it every time my eyes caught him glaring at me menacingly. I like it when he’s being oppressive to me. I like his patronizing presence that seems to intimidate my system but at the same time makes me feel vital. I like watching his clenching jaw whenever he’s pissed off by what I did. I like-

No, I should stop there already. This is wrong. This ain’t valid anymore. Padarag kong ibinaba ang basong hawak ko sa marble tile ng counter matapos kong uminom. Mabilis ang aking paghinga at ramdam kong malamig na pinagpapawisan ang aking noo dahil sa mga isiping hindi ko dapat pinagtutuunan ng pansin.

I should be mad at him. I should get annoyed and pissed at him ’cuz he didn’t even bother to visit me in my room. I know he helps me pero ano ba naman ang kumustahin man lang ako matapos akong tulungan? Is it a waste of time to just even took a glimpse inside my room? Or he’s just too busy with Dorothy that checking up on me was not on his list after that happened.

Mariin akong nakatiim bagang na umakyat ng hagdan para bumalik na ng silid ko. Hindi na ako kumain pa dahil hindi naman ako ginugutom. Or it’s just that I lost my appetite because of the thought of the fucking love birds that suddenly ruined my mood.

Mabigat ang bawat paghakbang na ginagawa ko nang matunton ko ang ikalawang palapag ng mansion. Lumiko ako sa kanan para tunguhin na ang kuwarto ko. I know that I should congratulate the two for being engaged, but sorry I can’t even find any happiness to even do it. I’m not bitter, alright. Let’s just simply say that I’m not on it. I just can’t relate to them.

Ilang kwarto na ang nadaanan ko at sa bandang dulo pa ang silid ko. Ang kaninang mabibigat kong paghakbang ay natigilan nang may marinig akong mumunting tunog mula sa silid isang kwarto lamang ang pagitan mula sa kwarto ko.

What the hell is that?

Huminto ako sa paglalakad sa gitna ng malaking hallway ng mansion. At gaya ng sinabi ko ay madilim na ang paligid at tanging sinag ng buwan mula sa bilog na malaking bintana lamang ang tumatanglaw sa akin. Kaya nang makarinig ako ng mumunting ingay sa isang silid ay hindi ko maiwasang huminto at makuryoso kung saan iyon nagmumula.

I approached the room where the minimal noise is coming from. I notice the huge door was left slightly open. Naiwanang nakabukas ang pintuan rason kung bakit may maliit na siwang kung saan kumakawala ang mumunting tunog na narinig ko mula sa loob. I attempt to see what’s inside. I held the doorknob slowly and pushed it a litttle bit to see what’s happenjng inside. At gano’n na lamang akong natigilan nang maaninag ko kung anong ingay iyong naririnig ko.

Fuck.

I saw Dorothy on her knees, kneeling on the floor. And in front of him was…

“Oh dear god, you are so big Rhadmus,” Dorothy said like she’s panting after a short break.

Nakatalikod sa aking gawi si Dorothy habang si Rhadmus ay nakaharap sa aking gawi. Kitang kita ng dalawang mga mata ko kung paanong dumilim ang mga tingin ni Rhad sa babaeng nakaluhod sa kaniyang harapan.

Rhadmus’s huge veiny hand clasped Dorothy’s hair as he pushed himself hard inside his fiance’s full mouth. It make noise every time Dorothy seems to can’t take how big he was inside her throat, she’s choked yet she’s liking her making job. She moved her head like some pro, like some vacuum sucking Rhadmus’s tool. She kneeled like she praised him as her god.

“Damn, that’s good Dorth. Suck my whole length.” I heard Rhadmus said in a groaned tone.

He was shirtless and I saw his unbuckle belt and pants down to his knees while Dorothy is nakedly giving him a head. What the fuck.

I immediately looked away and turn my back to get out of here when I can’t stomach seeing Rhad’s reddish face as he arched his neck at the backrest of the sofa while having his pleasure with his woman. Damn, why do I feel like I’m being stabbed?

I suddenly felt my heart sank as I hurriedly walk towards my room. Then I slammed the door as it closed when I finally got inside. I was panting as I frustratingly tried to calm down myself. What the fuck. I just saw him having fellatio with his fiancee. And damn, his expression were saying the elation he’s having.

Kaya ba hindi na niya ako nagawang puntahan pa sa kwarto ko para kumustahin man lang dahil sa maghapon silang tigang sa isa’t isa? The whole time I was lying on my bed, resting, they were enjoying each other’s pleasure as they serve one other satisfaction?

Tang ina. Tang ina niya.

Kabanata 21

Kabanata 21

Don’t

“Do you think it’s alright na umalis tayo ng mansion nang hindi nakakapagpaalam kay Kuya Rhad?” Nics asked me nang makaalis na kami ng mansion.

Hindi ko siya sinagot at pinirmi ko lamang ang aking mga mata sa daan sa labas ng bintana. Pauwi na kami ng Manila at hindi ko na hinintay pang sumikat ang araw bago kami umalis.

“Kuya, may problema ba–”

“Nics I want to rest, just let me…I need some peace.” Agap kong putol sa aking kapatid na alam kong nagtataka sa biglaang pag-uwi namin.

It’s exactly five in the morning nang umalis kami sa mansion. Nagpaalam naman kami kila Lola bago kami lumisan sa lugar. Nagugulat at ayaw man kaming paalisin nila Lola at Papa nang maaga ay wala na rin silang nagawa.

“Lola I’m sorry if we have to leave this early. We will go back on summer break. I promise.” I said softly to my grandma as I watched her face in gloom seeing us leaving.

Niyakap ko naman siya at gano’n din si Papa. “You sure you want to go home? Pwede namang mamayang nine o’clock na lang so I can drive you. Magsabay nalang tayong tatlo.” Papa asked me when he seems worried about my condition.

“No Pa, we’re good to go. Magpahinga na lang din po kayo. I know you’re also tired from work. Don’t worry about me that much, I feel better now.” Ani ko dahil radam ko ang pag-aalala niya sa akin na umuwi na kami lang ni Nics especially now that I’m injured.

Ilang saglit pa muna kaming nagkatitigan ni Papa na para bang tinitimbang niya pa muna ako. Kalaunan ay marahan niya na lamang tinanguan at tapikin sa balikat bilang pagsang-ayon sa pag-uwi namin.

“Alright. But I’ll assign one of our bodyguards to drive you and Nics to go home safely.”

Hindi na rin kami nagtagal sa pagpapaalam sa kanila bago kami umalis. It’s just Nics who seems to be so worried na hindi na kami nakapagpaalam pa kay Rhad. I am pissed. No, I think I feel far more than that.

Hindi ko siya gustong makita to the point na ang umalis ng mansion ang nakabubuting gawin para sa akin. I’m not mad at him, that’s what I keep on reminding myself. I just feel torn that seeing him last night with Dorothy would hurt me this much. I know I’d said this to myself so freaking many times. That I don’t like him. But why do my heart just sink in the bottomless pool when I caught him last night…having mouth intercourse with his fiance.

I’m such a nitwit. For I am thinking of him, for hating him, for pushing him away when I know deep to myself that I’m still in love with someone else. I’m not delusional that my heart will just easily slip from that kind of love I had shared with Kaizer. He’s my man. He’s the only man who made me into this…and he will be the only one who can make this heart inside me throbs pantingly again.

But why the fuck has this just changed into something I cannot even understand? I’m doomed. After discerning Rhad and Dorothy in their room last night I can’t even shut my eyes anymore. I can’t simply go back to sleep without having it running in my head.

It’s normal. Having sex with your fiance is just freaking fine. It’s just myself who cannot distinguish what to say and to feel. Pakiramdam ko ay mabigat ang pakiramdam ko. Na parang may nagbabarang mabigat na bagay sa aking lalamunan habang ang dibdib ko ay may ’di mapangalanang nararamdaman.

I clenched my jaw as my eyes narrowed at the road. I was starring outside the window of our car as it move promptly. I should not think of these bullshits. This is such petty of me to dwell with it.

Umuwi kami ng bahay ng tahimik. Nics didn’t say anything the whole ride. Nauna siyang lumabas ng sasakyan at ramdam ko ang naging pag-iwas nito sa akin nang balingan ko siya ng tingin. I gulped. I become rude to her a while ago and I should apologize to her. Alam kong nanibago siya sa ipinakita kong ugali.

Kaya naman nang makapasok ako sa loob ng mansion at maabutan ko siyang paakyat ng hagdanan ay agad ko siyang tinawag.

“Nics…”

I didn’t blink as I saw her back halt from taking another step upstairs. Nakatalikod siya sa akin kaya naman nang maharap niya ako ay tinungo ko na ang gawi niya sa gitna ng hagdanan. She glanced at me and smile sadly, pilit na malungkot na ngiti. I saw in her weakened eyes the hesitant to speak. Mahina akong napabuntong-hininga dahil do’n. Kaming dalawa na lang ni Nics ang nasa bahay. Enzo was abroad. And having a conflict between us won’t do good for us. Kaya naman aayusin ko na ito agad bago pa lumaki.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude earlier.” Ani ko nang makalapit ako sa baba ng hagdan.

She blinks. Her thick lashes flickered as she look down. Her lips parted as she breathe in there. Napakurap naman ako. Ramdam kong nagtampo siya sa ginawa kong pagsusungit sa kaniya kanina sa sasakyan. But I don’t want her to feel like I’m annoyed with her just because my mind was stressed with Rhadmus.

“Come here, I’m sorry.” I softly said to my sister later on and plastered an apologizing smile on my lips for her.

I also spread my other hand and wait for her to accompany my embrace. Tinitigan pa niya ako ng ilang saglit animong naninimbang kung tatanggapin niya ba ang nakaabang kong yakap para sa kaniya. But then, later on, she smiled at me wearily and hurriedly went downstairs to where I was standing to accompany my open arms for her.

“I thought you’re mad at me.” She then mumbled on my ears as her hands wrapped my body not so tight, just enough to not hurt my injured arm.

I hugged her back with my one arm. Pagod naman akong napangiti sa sinabi niya. “I’m not. I’m just really tired. I’m sorry for what I’d said.”

Naramdaman ko namang marahan siyang humiwalay mula sa pagkakayakap sa akin. Then she looked at me straight in the eyes.

“I understand… I maybe don’t know what’s up with you Kuya but I want you to know that I’m just all ears here for you.”

Bahagya naman akong natigilan sa sinabi niya. I blink when I feel that there’s a heavy feeling inside my chest began to heave. Parang sa dagliang segundo ay bigla akong nakaramdam ng kirot sa aking dibdib. I grit my teeth. 

“Y-Yeah, thank you Nics. I appreciate it.” I stutteringly said dahil alam kong kahit na hindi ko sabihin sa kaniya ang mga nararamdaman ko ay alam kong pinapakiramdaman niya ako palagi.

Hindi na rin naman nagtagal pa ang pag-uusap naming dalawa nang magpaalam na siyang umakyat patungo ng kaniyang silid. Habang ako naman ay naiwang mag-isa ron. Ilang minuto akong nanatiling nakatayo sa paanan ng hagdan, iniisip ang kaniyang huling sinabi.

Napatingin ako sa sahig. My head frowned and my eyes fell into a flaw. I grit my jaw when the picture of Rhadmus sitting on the sofa last night showed up in my mind. I shouldn’t react this way. You should not react this way, Neil Irish. Rhadmus is already engaged. You don’t like him right? So what’s in this momentum of dwelling this much with what you’ve witnessed last night?

Nics is right. She maybe doesn’t have any idea what I’ve been going through this past few days but she knows me very well. And I’m scared that the people around me might know me better than my own self who can’t recognize who I’m becoming right now. I don’t tend to wear masks as I used before. I don’t tend to pretend to be fine. Because I only wanted to live the life I deserve to have. Wherein the fact I’m trying to endeavor every day of it.

Yet the fate is getting keen on me. Hindi ko maiwasang alisin sa isipan ko ang ideyang may nararamdaman din ako para kay Rhadmus. I hate to admit but it’s my mind who is saying it loudly in my head. Clear like a crystal, that in the months of being away from him, he left me questions, guilt, and these stupid macro feelings that slowly grew unknowingly.

Ayoko. Ayokong magmahal muli ng isang tao na hindi lang buhay ko ang sisirain kun’di pati na rin ang magiging pantsayang mundo na aming bubuuin ay guguho. Kailanman ay hindi ko lubos naisip na ganito magiging kapait sa akin ang tadhana. I wanted to blame someone for making me this way. But what I only have to blame is myself.

I’m the one who’s making impulsive decisions. I’m the person who chooses the life I lived in. And I’m blaming myself for being this pitty. Yes, I pitied myself for being this absurd. I thought I learned from my experience with Kaizer. Pero nagkamali ako. Dahil kahit anong gawin ko ay alam kong may nagbago sa nararamdaman ko para kay Rhadmus.

Alam kong mali kaya naman sinusubukan kong ituwid. But what I’m feeling right now is making me feel sick. I feel the regret. I feel the hate. I feel bitter. I feel annoyed to the point that I want to burst out because Rhadmus finally found the woman I’m telling him. But I can’t just burst in a glimpse. I won’t because I know what I deserve. I know from the first place that whatever this feeling I had with anyone else should remain a secret. Dahil nadala na ako sa nakaraan ko.

And just like what secrets become, they are not meant to be recognized.

Hindi na ako nagtagal pa sa aking silid ng umagang iyon pagkauwi namin ng bahay. I know that I have to rest but I opt not to. Pumasok ako ng school at gano’n din naman si Nics kahit pa suhestiyon niyang magpahinga na lamang ako.

Final week namin ngayon and I can’t miss this day. Kahit pa injured ako ay kaya ko namang maglakad at magsulat kaya wala na ring nagawa pa si Nics at si Papa na nagpadala pa ng ilang bodyguards para umalalay sa amin sa pagpasok. Hindi naman na ako nagreklamo at ginawa ko nalang ang dapat kong gawin pagkapasok ko ng classroom.

I take the exams and submit all the requirements that has to be finished. Nilibang ko ang aking utak sa mga bagay na dapat kong gawin at pagtuunan nang pansin sa araw na ito. Dahil kung hindi ako pumasok ngayon ay malamang sa malamang ay naglalayag na naman ang aking isipan sa mga bagay na nagpapasakit lang ng ulo ko…ng puso ko.

Inalis ko sa aking sistema ang imahe ni Rhadmus na pilit na hindi mawaglit sa aking isipan magmula pa kagabi nang masaksihan ko silang dalawa ni Dorothy. I extensively tried to remove it in my head and I believe that I made it.

Maghapon akong naging abala sa exam at sa mga requirements ko. Maging kaninang tanghali ay hindi ko rin inasahan ang pagpunta ni Tita Stella. She asked me to meet her up in the restaurant near my university to grab some lunch with her. Hindi rin naman ako umapila dahil inimbitahan niya kaming dalawa ni Nics.

Papasok pa lang kaming dalawang magkapatid sa entrada ng resto ay natanawan ko na si Tita Stella. It was a fine dining and she informed us that she had already reserved us a seat. Kanina nang tinawagan niya ako ay may parte sa aking gustong tumanggi at hindi paunlakan ang kaniyang paanyayang lunch dahil baka hindi lang ako maging kumportable dahil sa kasama niyang sila Dorothy at Rhadmus.

Agad na iyon ang rumihistro sa aking isipan na posibleng kasama niya ang dalawang iyon. Lalo na at ang tanging laman ng isipan ko ngayon ay ang huwag muna silang makitang dalawa. Lalo na si Rhadmus. I don’t think it is better to see him with my condition at the moment. Dahil baka ’pag nasilayan ko ang kaniyang mukha ay hindi ko maiwasang umalis na lamang ng hapag. And that is what I don’t want to happen.

“Tita Stella, thank you for inviting us.” I heard Nics said nang makapasok kami sa loob ng resto. Agad namang nakipagbeso si Tita sa kaniya.

Maraming tao sa loob at ang lahat ay naka-suit at mukahang dito rin ang napiling lugar para sa kanilang pananghalian at mga meetings.

“No problem, I also wanted to check up on Neil if he’s doing fine. Especially he goes to school today instead of resting inside his room.” Dinig kong ani Tita na nagpabaling sa akin ng tingin patungo sa kaniya.

Malawak ang ngiting nakaguhit sa kaniyang labi nang mabalingan ko ang kaniyang gawi. I exchange her sweet motherly smile then I approach her later on. I hugged her a bit nang makalapit ako sa kaniya as she smooched me on my cheek and hug me back a bit.

“I’m feeling better Tita, you don’t have to worry.” Ani ko nang magkahiwalay kami sa maluwag na yakapan.

Nanatili naman ang kamay ni Tita Stella sa likuran ng aking baywang na para bang aalalayan ako nito sa paglalakad kahit kaya ko naman.

“Mama is also worried for you. Your dad told us about you going to school today.” She stated habang naglalakad na kami patungo sa silid na naka-reserve para sa amin.

“And?” Pahabol kong tanong nang mapansing may sasabihin pa siya.

“Your Lola sent me here. She’s freaking out about you.” Tita added.

Napanguso naman ako sa sinabi niya. I don’t know but I felt my heart flutter at that. The thought of Lola worrying about me is making me feel special.

“Of course, I’m much worried for you as well kaya ako na ang nag-suggest to come here and invite you both out for lunch.”

Tita Stella is the sweetest person I know. She’s like a mother to me in Gutierrez’s mansion. I’m grateful that I have two mothers in our family, Lola and her. Added my mom who I love the most, Mommy Verity. Damn, this made me miss her so much.

Because every time I’m sick she’s always giving her whole time just to take care of me. But now it’s different ’cuz now I’m not living under their roof.

“This way po ma’am,” the waitress uttered as he guided us to our room table.

“Is Kuya Rhadmus with you too?” Nics suddenly asked as the waitperson open the door for us.

Malalim naman akong napalunok nang marinig ang pangalang binanggit ni Nics. Fuck. I almost forgot about Rhadmus. My vigilance about the possibility that he will be here with his fiance vaned a while ago. Kaya naman nang mauna ng pumasok si Nics sa loob at si Tita Stella naman ay nakayakap ang isang kamay sa aking baywang mula sa likiran ko ay halos ayo’ko ng tumuloy sa pagpasok sa loob.

My breath heave as my heart drums in fatigue. I should calm down myself. Ano ngayon kung nandito si Rhadmus? What I’ve seen last night didn’t exist in my head already. Yes. It wasn’t existing ’cuz I had to remove it so just I can go on with my day.

Pumasok ako sa loob kasama si Tita Stella ng taas noo at may seryosong mga tingin. But when my eyes flew to the person waiting for us at the table hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong mas kabahan o matuwa dahil hindi si Rhadmus ang nandito.

“Rhadmus wasn’t here,” Tita Stella answered Nics.

Dahil ang nandito ngayon kasama namin sa hapagkainan ay si Lolo.

“Lolo! I’m very glad to see you here!” Nics merrily let out. 

Napansin ko namang mapangiti si Lolo sa kaniya at yakapin niya ito pabalik. I perceive how much closeness Nics and Lolo have. Even with Enzo, Pierce, and Rhadmus with him. Hindi man gano’n kasing close ng katulad ng kay Nics ay marahil iyon sa mga lalaki ito at dahil sila ang magmamana ng kumpaniya kaya tinuturuan sila ni Lolo maging disiplinado.

While on the other hand, Lolo treated me normally. But the way he glance and talked to me, there I feel how he despise me. Hindi man niya iyon sabihin ng direkta ay ramdam ko iyon sa kaniyang mga tingin.

Nilapaitan ko siya para makapagmano but when my hand is on the air waiting for his hand to lend on me, he suddenly spoke that struck me off big time.

“Let’s eat. Kanina pa ako naghihintay. Waiter,” mabilis niyang ani na nagpahinto sa akin.

Napakurap kurap ako habang at napatingin na lamang sa kamay kong naiwang nakaabang sa ere para sana magmano sa kaniya. Malalim akong napalunok at marahan ko na lamang na binawi ang aking kamay. At nang mapatingin ako sa ilang waitress na mag-aassist sa amin ay napansin ko ang kanilang mga tingin sa akin.

Napatiim-bagang ako at tahimik na lamang na napayuko. Tinungo ko na lamang ang aking upuan habang ang aking paningin ay nananatiling nasa ibaba. Naramdaman ko rin ang mga mata ni Nics at Tita Stella sa akin nang makaupo. At nang mag-angat naman ako ng tingin kay Tita Stella ay nakita kong mabura sa kaniyang mukha ang kaninang abot taingang ngiti niya para sa akin. Her eyes looked in gloom for me but I just gave her a soft smile.

Alam kong iba ang paraan ng pagtrato sa akin ni Lolo kahit saang anggulo ko titingnan. And I know that Lola, Tita Stella, Nics, Enzo or should I say all of the people in the mansion knew that Lolo and Tita Aurelia were not in favor of me living with them. And I understand that. And I have to deal with it.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko natapos ang lunch na iyon kasama si Lolo. Nauna siyang umalis matapos naming kumain. Hinatid naman siya ni Nics sa sasakyan sa labas habang si Tita Stella ay may malungkot na mga matang nakatingin sa akin.

Tanaw kong pumasok na si Lolo sa loob ng kaniyang sasakyan. Nasa labas na rin kami at si Tita Stella na lamang ang hinihintay ni Lolo para makaalis na sila. Kaya naman hinarap ko na si Tita para makapagpaalam na sa kaniya.

“Salamat po sa lunch–” but she suddenly cut me off.

“I’m sorry, Neil. Hindi ko nasabing makakasama natin ang Lolo mo.”

Awtomatiko namang bumaba ang aking paningin sa sahig nang sabihin niya iyon. I breathed out lightly before I raised my eyes on her again and plaster a wide smile. “It’s alright Tita Stella,” nakangiti kong ani sa kaniya.

Her eyes glisten on me like she knows that I’m not feeling good for what just happened a while ago. But I still give her the smile I can give just to assure her that there is no problem with it.

Kalaunan ay malamyos niyang hinaplos ang aking pisngi at tipid akong nginitian. “Take care of yourself, Neil.” Tanging aniya bago niya ako tuluyang tinalikuran paalis at pumasok na sa sasakyang naghihintay sa kaniya.

That ends our noon. I don’t want to feel bad about it. Kahit pa hindi man ako kinakausap ni Lolo kanina at palagi mang malamig ang kaniyang mga mata kung tumingin sa akin ay hindi naman ako nagtatanim ng sama ng loob para sa kaniya. I understand where his cold treatment towards me is coming from.

I take my exam after that lunch. Tinapos ko na rin ang ilang mga dapat kong gawin sa araw na ito. At nang maghapon na ay hindi na rin ako nagtagal pa sa school. Nauna ng umuwi si Nics sa akin dahil maagang natapos ang klase nila sa amin. It’s past five o’clock in the afternoon at natatanawan ko na ang palubog na araw nang magtungo ako sa parking lot.

Nasisinagan ako ng kulay kahel na sikat ng palubog na haring araw nang matanawan ko ang lalaking nakatayo sa gilid ng pinto ng aking sasakyan. Napakurap pa ako ng ilang segundo dahil baka namamalik mata lang ako sa nakikita ko. But the third time I flickered my eyes I only see there a man wearing his corporate attire, waiting for me dashingly. Tell me he’s not the driver that Papa sent to me early this morning.

Ang kaninang malaki at mabilis na paghakbang ng aking mga paa ay halos bumagal at matigilan sa paglalakad patungo sa aking sasakyan. Dahil habang papalapit ako ng papalapit sa aking sasakyan ay mas malinaw kong natatanawan ang lalaking dahilan ng mabilis na pag-alpas ng puso ko ngayon. His thick brows that almost met in line and his hazel eyes that turned on burning red as it was stricken by the color orange of sunset, glares on me from afar.

Halos manindig ang mga balahibo ko at manginig ang kalamnan ko na makita si Rhadmus na mariing nakatitig sa akin ngayon. He was leaning at the door of my car, but when I halt from my steps he withdrew his back. Mabilis ang pag-alpas ng pintig ng puso ko na makita siya ngayong nandito.

What is he doing here?

It was like the times he was patiently eager to get me. The times he hardly endeavors my feelings for him. Natanaw ko siyang maglakad patungo sa akin pagkaraan. Ilang metro lamang ang layo namin sa isa’t isa nang huminto ako sa paglakad. Ngunit nang tuluyan niyang matunton ang aking kinaroroonan ay ilang pulgada na lamang ang natitira sa pagitan ng aming mga katawan ngayon.

Halos malagutan ako ng hininga nang ang kaniyang madilim na mga mata ay seryoso pa ring tumititig sa akin. Napaawang naman ang aking mga labi nang maramdaman kong mahirapan ako sa paghinga. Walang ibang tao sa parking lot kun’di kaming dalawa lamang.

And seeing him this close to me made my body froze. Ilang saglit kaming nagkatitigan. What is he doing here? Hindi ba at busy siya kay Dorothy? So why now he’s here?

Mabilis akong umiwas ng tingin sa kaniya nang maramdaman kong lumalalim na ang bawat titig na ipinupukol niya sa akin.  He looks mad. His thick brows were furrowed while his thin lips were in a flat line, jaw moving like he’s so much pissed on me.

“Why are you here–”

“Let’s go home,” he cut me off coldly.

Kung kanina ay napaiwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin dahil hindi ko na matagalan, pero ngayon ay agad kong ibinalik sa kaniyang seryosong mga mata ang aking paningin. I narrowed my eyes on him sharply.

“I don’t want to go home with you, Rhadmu–”

“We’ll go home together. Because I will drive you home.” Malalim ang boses nitong ani sa akin.

Nagsalubong naman ang dalawa kong kilay. No. I won’t go home with him. It’s either I’ll drive myself alone or I’ll commute.

“Give me my keys,” I demanded to Rhadmus when I saw it on his hand. 

But he closed his fist and hold the keys tightly.  “No, I said I will drive you home Neil. Come on,”

“Sabing ayoko nga Rhadmus! Ano bang problema mo? What are you doing here? Hindi ba at nasa mansion ka? Go back to where you came from and don’t bother me here!” I blast in a sudden anger.

Hindi naman siya natinag. Dahil ang kaninang mata niyang seryoso ay ngayo’y nagsisimula ng mag-alab. What’s wrong with this person? Mabuti pang si Dorothy nalang ang ipagmaneho niya! Tutal ’yon ang fiance niya at hindi ako.

“Don’t give me this petty fight, Neil Irish.”

Nagbaba ako ng tingin dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon. It sounded like he’s threatening me. But I remain irritated as I gritted my jaw. “I can drive myself Rhadmus.” Pagpupumilit ko. But I heard nothing from him. Nanatili lang siyang nakatayo sa aking harapan habang ang aking mga mata ay mariing nakatutop lamang sa kalsada.

“Ibigay mo nalang sa akin ang susi. Kaya ko namang magmaneho gamit ang isa kong kamay–” but my words suddenly cut off when he immediately hand me my keys.

Napakurap ako at napatingin sa susi ng sasakyan ko na iniabot niya sa akin. Gumapang ang tingin ko sa susi paakyat sa kaniyang mga matang matalim akong tinitingnan ngayon. His jaw was moving and I can’t help but shut my mouth and just take my keys from his hold so I can get away from him.

Nang makuha ko iyon ay agad ko siyang nilagpasan patungo ng sasakyan ko. Pinatunog ko iyon at agad na binuksan ang pintuan ng drivers sit para sumakay na sa loob. Ngunit gano’n na lamang akong natigilan nang makita si Pierce na nakaupo sa drivers sit. Wait. What?

“Pierce?” I surprisingly asked, stunned to see him here as well.

Tinaasan naman ako ng kilay ng seryoso ring si Pierce na nakaupo ngayon sa drivers sit. “Rhadmus will drive us home. So behave, Neil. The motherfucker is not in his mood since early this morning.” Pierce muttered in gravel.

Napakunot noo naman ako. Pero halos mapatalon ako sa gulat at kaba nang maramdaman ko ang presensya ni Rhadmus sa aking likuran.

“Go on the backseat, now,” Rhadmus command me in a deadly serious tone.

Napatiimbagang naman akong hinarap siya sa likuran ko. But I am not expecting how close he was on my back that I almost poke his chest when I turn to face him. Dahilan para mapaatras ako at tumama ang braso ko sa pintuan ng kotse. But it didn’t happen because he immediately snakes his huge arm on my back and pulled me closer to him.

Habol ko ang aking hininga nang ang mga mata namin ay magtagpo. His hand was on the back of my waist pulling me closer to him while our body touches each other’s heat. Naghuhuramentado ang pintig puso ko habang ang aking bawat paghinga ay unti-unting humihina.

His eyes narrowed on me while his jaw moved in manliness. He looks in rage but his eyes say the opposite. Then I saw how his feverish eyes crawled down on the bridge of my nose down to my parted tiny lips.

“R-Rhadmus–”

“Don’t do it again… Don’t leave without telling me… Neil Irish.”

Kabanata 22

Kabanata 22

Best man

I remain silent the whole time I was sitting in the back seat. Hindi ako umimik, ni balingan si Pierce at Rhadmus na nakaupo sa front sits ay hindi ko na pinagkaabalahan pang gawin. I don’t understand what’s up with Rhadmus. What he said made my mind fussed.

What now if I leave the mansion earlier without him knowing? He’s probably tired last night from making out with her fiance. So what’s the point of saying my goodbyes to him right?

Even Pierce, he really is with this man right now? Seriously? I badly want to avoid Rhadmus for my sake. But what he’s doing right now, he confuses me big time. Oh wait, maybe it’s just me who thinks too much about our situation.

Yes. Tama. I’m maybe overreacting things between me and Rhadmus. Kaya naman mas mabuti pa siguro na umasta na lamang ako na parang wala akong narining na sinabi niya kanina. That I should act like I didn’t see him last night. That whatever bullshits happened between us before never exist. Yes. That’s right, Neil. Ito ang dapat kong gawin.

Tutal wala na rin naman para sa kaniya yung pakiramdam na pilit niya noong pinaparamdam sa akin. There’s no need of giving him the doubt. His words and actions towards me shouldn’t be interpreted in another way, no malice. He’s engaged and what I have to do is just to keep myself seal so I couldn’t ruin anything.

Especially since my second year of college will end soon. I don’t want to have a vacation with him carrying this burden in my chest. And thinking of me being bitter for him and for Dorothy sucks. Even I know deeper to myself that there are hidden feelings that I wanted to unsplash myself. I would not dare either. Never.

“Where’s Dorothy? Aren’t you with her?” Mayamaya ay pagbasag ni Pierce sa katahimikan.

Hindi ko naman sila binalingan at pinanatili ko lang ang tuon ng aking mga mata sa bintana, tahimik na pinapanood ang ilan pang mga sasakyan na dumadaan. Ngunit hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapakinggan ang pinag-uusapan nilang dalawa. Ayaw ko mang makinig ay napupunta roon ang atensyon ng aking pandinig.

“Oh, so you’re not answering–”

“Shut the crap, Pierce.”

“Nah, you should be with her right now. Especially since both of you are about to get married soon.” I heard Pierce muttered in a mockery.

Halos mapalingon naman ako sa gawi nila nang sabihin ni Pierce iyon. But I hardly resist myself from doing it because I had to remain quiet and ignore everything I’m hearing. So they will get married anytime soon? Good for him.

“Let’s not talk about it here, Pierce. Don’t worry you’re invited.”

Pagkatapos masabi ni Rhadmus iyon ay mabagal na lamang akong napakurap sa kawalan. Umuwi kami ng bahay ng hindi ako tumitingin sa harapan ng sasakyan. Not even saying anything.

“Hey, you alright?” Pierce suddenly asked me nang makababa ako ng sasakyan matapos iparada ni Rhad ang sasakyan sa garahe ng bahay.

Sinulyapan ko naman siya bago ako tumuloy papasok ng pintuan. “Yeah, I’m all good.” tipid kong ani, marahil napansin niya ang katahimikan ko buong biyahe.

Pero bago pa man ako mag-umpisang maglakad papasok ng pintuan ay inakbayan ako ni Pierce, like what he used to do.  I can’t deny that Pierce and I had been so close in the past months when Rhadmus wasn’t around. Masasabi kong nakabuo kami ng samahan ni Pierce kung saan mas lalo naming nakilala ang isa’t isa. Kahit pa sabihing nagtatrabaho siya sa kumpaniya nang mga panahong iyon ay madalas ko pa rin siyang makasama.

“Kumusta yung braso mo? I’m sorry I wasn’t there yesterday to look after you around the mansion. Nagkaaberya kahapon sa kumpaniya kaya ako pinatawag ni Lolo.” Pagpapaliwanag nito sa akin dahil dapat siya ang makakasama ko kahapon sa paglilibot sa mansion.

“Maayos naman na ang braso ko. Ayos lang ’yon ano ka ba. I understand your workaholic personality, tss.”

Natunugan ko naman siyang mapangisi at mapang-uyam akong tinitigan. “Kung sumama ka nalang sa’kin kahapon sa opisina e’di sana ’hindi ka pa naaksidente.”

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niyang nakaakbay sa akin at pasiring na tinampal ko iyon. “How would I? You didn’t even ask me to.” Pasinghal kong ani dahil alam kong nag-aasar lang naman siya.

Loko-loko naman siyang napangiti at umiling iling. “You know you can come with me, tho. It’s just you who opts to stay in the mansion–”

“Because it’s weekend and I’m supposed to be in the mansion with Lola.” Putol ko sa sinasabi niya.

Ngunit nang balingan ko ng tingin ang nakangising si Pierce na nakaakbay sa akin ay umabot ang layo ng paningin ko sa lalaking may madilim na ekspresyong nakatingin sa amin. Na diretsong nakatayo sa likurang gilid ni Pierce. Hindi ko napansin ang paglapit ni Rhadmus dahil kanina ay ipinaparada pa niya ang sasakyan sa garahe. But now he’s looking at us with his gravel glares.

Napatikhim na lamang ako at napaiwas ng tingin nang hindi ako mapalagay sa paraan niya ng pagtitig sa amin. 

“Well, you better tell–”

“Pwede namang sa loob nalang mag-usap kesa yung nakaharang kayong dalawa riyan sa pintuan.” It was Rhadmus sternly voice who cutted Pierce’s line.

Napalingon naman sa kaniya si Pierce, animong natigilan sa presensya niya. Habang ako ay nagtiim-bagang na lamang at pinanatili ang paningin sa sahig.

“Go inside, hindi magandang sa tapat pa kayo mismo ng pintuan nag-uusap.” Dinig kong seryosong dagdag pang ani Rhad bago niya kami nilagpasan at nauna ng pumasok sa loob ng bahay.

Mabilis naman akong napaiwas nang muntikan pa niyang mabunggo ang braso ko dahil sa dire-diretso niyang paglakad sa gilid ko na parang hindi ako niya nakikita. Wala naman akong narinig na sinabi ni Pierce at ramdam kong binalingan lang ako nito ng tingin, hudyat na pumasok na lamang rin kami sa loob.

Mahina pa muna akong bumuntong-hininga habang pinagmamasdan ang malapad na likuran ni Rhadmus na malayo ng naglalakad sa loob ng salas namin. Sumunod kami sa kaniya papasok kalaunan at unang bumungad sa amin ay si Nics na mukhang kakababa lamang ng hagdanan.

Naramdaman ko namang alisin ni Pierce ang kamay nitong kumportableng nakaakbay sa akin nang mapansin ko ang masamang tingin ni Rhadmus sa akin sa tabi niya. Mabilis naman akong nag-iwas ng tingin at tinungo na lamang ang hagdan para makapagpalit na ng damit.

Narining ko namang kausapin ni Nics si Rhad nang makita niya ito. Hindi naman na ako nagtagal pa sa ibaba para makipag-usap sa kanila dahil hindi ko rin kayang tagalan ang makita si Rhadmus. His eyes were like daggers stabbing me every time our eyes met. Pilit ko mang hindi na lamang pansinin ay hindi ko naman maiwasang pagtakhan.

He seems mad. Nang makita ko siya kanina sa parking lot ay ’yon agad ang una kong napuna sa kaniyang ekspresyon. Nang makapasok ako sa silid ko ay sinubukan ko na siyang alisin sa aking isipan. I went to the bathroom and abruptly clean up myself. While the cold shower humid my body, my mind was wandering. I shouldn’t think of Rhadmus too much but I can’t just stop my mind from not thinking of him every time.

My mind was wandering with a lot of what if’s. Napatingala ako habang ang buhos ng malamig na tubig mula sa shower ay bumubuhos sa aking leeg pababa sa aking katawan, habang iniisip ang mga posibilidad sa pagitan sana naming dalawa if I just entertain his feeling for me back then. With a lot of possibilities that may be the stage of love I can have with him this time was different from what I have experienced before. That his love might be a fortress for me, an intimate one. If I did just entertain his feelings for me back then, would our love for each other flourish like how I felt in love before?

Let’s say that I knew back then when he confessed his feelings for me that I like him. Kapag ba sinabi kong gusto ko rin siya seseryosohin niya ba ako? What if I knew to myself since then that I like him the way he likes me, I don’t think he will be engaged with Dorothy at this moment. I will not see him being pleasured by someone else. If I just reach out to him after that night– No, if I just said my real feelings for him that night, what is happening right now won’t happen.

But these are all just my what if’s. And it will remain a what if’s because I can’t stomach it if I do the same mistake again. Dahil ayaw ko ng makapanakit. Hindi ko na gusto pang makasira ng pamilya. At pagod na rin akong masaktan ng paulit ulit. Kaya tama na, this shall end as early as I can prevent everything I can handle.

Tinuyo ko ang aking katawan at pagkaraan ay lumabas na ng bathroom. Rhadmus is your real cousin Neil, and liking him this time would be a huge conflict especially now that you’re living under the roof of your kin… Your real family… And I can’t afford to mess this up… I couldn’t.

I was gritting my teeth because of that thought in my head as I walk towards my closet after I went out of the bathroom. Ilang minuto rin ang tinagal ko sa loob ng bathroom dahil sa pag-iisip ng mga posibilidad sa pagitan naming dalawa na hindi ko na dapat pang binibigyang halagang isipin.

Napapatiim bagang na lamang akong nilapitan ang aking closet dahil sa mga bumabagabag sa aking isipan. Ngunit gano’n na lamang akong natigilan sa paghakbang nang marinig ko ang boses ng lalaking pilit kong iniiwasan pero patuloy na laman ng aking isipan.

“What took you so long?” Namamaos ang seryosong boses ni Rhadmus nang mahimigan ko ito sa aking likuran.

Halos manindig naman ang lahat balahibo ko nang ang presensya niya ay mabilis na sinakop ang sistema ko. I flickered. My breath began to heave but I act like I’m not surprised by his sudden presence behind me. Relax Neil. It’s just him.

Agad ko siyang hinarap nang maramdaman kong mas lumapit pa siya sa aking likuran. “What are you doing here?” Mabilis kong agap na tanong sa kaniya nang maharap ko siya.

Madilim ang aking silid dahil hindi ko naman binuhay ang ilaw nito kanina nang pumasok ako. Pero kahit na gano’n pa man ay iniwan ko namang nakabuhay ang isang lampshade sa tabi ng aking kama. And there I saw his shady eyes glaring at me seriously when I face him back. But my eyes drooped down to his open white buttoned-down shirt that reveals his flesh chiseled chest. I gape…hardly.

Pero agad ko rin namang inalis ang aking paningin sa kaniyang malapad na dibdib at ibinalik muli sa kaniyang mga mata ang aking mga tingin. But as my eyes lift on his face, I caught his stern dim eyes slithering on my body. I noticed his thin reddish lips were in massive grim while his jaw clenched like a hard stone wrecking one another.

Malalim akong napalunok. Mabilis ang naging pintig ng puso ko sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa aking katawan. I’m still topless and my lowers body cover was only a piece of black towel staved on my waist. My body was a bit damp and I felt the tiny bullets of water dripping down from my neck down to my chest. Rhadmus was now towering over me and he gaze at me like I’m his prey. Bahagya akong nakatingala sa kaniya nang mamataan kong umawang ang kaninang nakatimpi niyang mga labi.

“R-Rhadmus,” I called him again ’cuz his eyes didn’t leave my body.

“Magbihis ka na. Kanina ka pa namin hinihintay sa hapag kaninan.” Malamig ang boses nitong ani sa akin.

Lumapat na rin sa aking paningin ang kaniyang seryosong madilim na mga mata matapos niyang sabihin iyon. And I gape for the second time when his bleak glares met my timid eyes.

“Magbibihis na’ko, lumabas ka na–”

Ngunit gano’n na lamang akong natigilan nang magsalita siya. “No…I’ll stay here.”

Matalim ang mga mata niyang putol sa akin. Para naman akong nalagutan ng hininga nang ang ilang pulgada sa pagitan naming dalawa ay umpisahang sakupin ng kaniyang malalaking paghakbang. At ang madilim nitong mga mata ay mariing bumagsak muli sa aking katawan.

“R-Rhadmus, lumabas ka muna–”

“No, let me help you get dressed.”

Napakurap pa ako sa sinabi niya, malakas ang pintig ng aking puso…kinakabahan. “H-Hindi na. I can manage, j-just go outside and give me a minute.”

Ngunit hindi siya tumigil sa paglapit sa akin at mas dumiin pa lalo ang mga mata nitong tumititig sa akin. “I said I’ll help you. Baka mas matagalan ka kung mag-isa kang magbibihis–”

“Kaya ko na Rhad. Bibilisan ko don’t worry.” Mabilis kong agap na sinabi dahil hindi na ako kumportable sa nararamdaman ko habang palapit siya ng palapit sa akin. My heart just rattled by his dim glares and I can’t just breathe as I felt the strange butterflies inside my stomach quiver.

Why would he help me dress up? I will not dare him to help me either. Thinking of him putting on my clothes gives me different impressions. And I’m not liking that feeling…it’s not good, not even healthy.

Ilang saglit pa akong seryosong tinitigan ni Rhad, naninimbang nang sabihin ko iyon. Ako naman ay kagat labing masinsinang nakatitig din sa kaniya pabalik. Staring back at him with my narrowed trembling eyes.

“Alright,”

Agad namang nanghina at namatay ang mga kulisap sa aking sikmura nang sabihin niya iyon. Ngunit nang maglakad siya ay inakala kong lalabas na siya. But I get it wrong. Dahil nang humakbang siya ay mabilis niyang natunton ang closet na ilang layo nalang ang pagitan sa aking likuran. Sinundan ko naman siya ng tingin at laglag panga ko siyang pinagmasdang buksan iyon at kumuha ng isang puting v-neck shirt.

At nang tangkain niya namang buksan ang lagayan ng aking mga briefs ay dali-dali ko na siyang pinigilan.

“Ako na! A-Ako na ’to.” Parang hinahapo ang boses kong pigil sa kaniya.

Mabilis kong pinigilan ang kamay niyang naka-akma na sa pagbukas ng aking drawer. Ang madilim nitong mga mata ay agad naman na dumapo sa akin.

Sobrang bilis ng pagtibok ng puso ko sa mga oras na ito. Sa paraan ng malalim at mariin niyang mga tingin, at maging sa nakaka-intimida nitong presensiya sa aking silid. Pakiramdam ko ay anumang oras ay lalabas ang puso ko sa aking dibdib.

We stared at each other for seconds. But when I realize that my hand is holding his huge hand, my lips parted. Agad na binitawan ng mahigpit kong pagkakahawak ang kaniyang kamay.

“Ako na ang kukuha.” I simply said and immediately looked away para kuhanin ang mga susuotin ko. “Akala ko ba lalabas ka na? Lumabas ka na–”

“Pumayag akong magbihis kang mag-isa because you assert that you are capable. But that’s not mean I’ll leave your room.” Masungit nitong ani.

Napakagat labi na lamang ako at hindi na lamang siya kinibo. I know that I can’t stop him now. Kaya kumuha ako ng mga kailangan ko sa closet habang siya naman ay hinayaan kong nakatayo lamang sa aking tabi, masinsinang pinapanood ang aking bawat paggalaw.

“Uhm, tumalikod ka muna. Magbibihis ako ng pang-ibaba.” Namamaos at bahagyang nanginginig ang boses kong sabi sa kaniya, nahihiya.

Tinitigan pa muna niya ako sa mga mata nang lingunin ko siya at saka kalaunan ay walang patubali niya namang ginawa ang sinabi ko. Tumalikod siya at ako naman ay sinuot ang pang-ibaba kong saplot. Hindi naman ako gaanong natagalan kaya pinaharap ko na rin siya agad at hiningi ang aking puting damit na kaniyang hawak-hawak.

“Give me my shirt,”

“Ako na ng magsu-suot sa’yo ng damit mo.” He uttered as he turn to face me. 

“Kaya ko naman, ako nalang–” bago ko pa man matapos ang sinasabi ko ay kinuha na niya ang kaliwang kamay ko na hindi ko magalaw.

Hindi naman na ako nakaprotesta dahil nang marahan niyang ipasok roon ang manggas ng aking damit ay kinabahan ako. Akala ko ay babastahin niyang ipaasok ro’n ang aking kamay pero nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng sobrang dahan at gaan ng paraan niya ng paghawak sa akin. Ani mong babasaging kristal ang kaniyang hawak kaya sobrang ingat na ingat siya rito na hindi mabasag.

Hindi ko naman napigilan ang sarili kong pagmasdan ang kaniyang hitsura habang ginagawa iyon. His face was so serious but the gentleness screams in his eyes. He’s immaculately handsome putting my shirt on me and I can’t help but stare at him for the moment he helped me.

Nang matagumpay niyang maisuot sa kaliwang braso ko ang isang manggas ay isinunod naman niya ang sa aking ulo, at pagkaraan ay naramdaman ko na lamang hawakan na niya ng mahigpit ang kanan kong kamay at isinuot iyon sa damit pagkaraan.

Ayaw ko mang aminin pero namamangha at naaaliw akong pagmasdan siyang tulungan ako. I can feel how good his heart is. How much his soul screams in gentleness and faithfulness. But what I hate to admit is that I do not belong to him. That my every heartbeat should not mean to be heard.

“Thank you.” I only said after he finally put on my shirt.

Hindi ko na siya pinagmasdan pa habang sinasabi ko iyon. Nauna na akong lumakad at nilagpasan siya paalis ng aking kwarto. Ayoko ng humaba pa ang aming interaksyon dahil sa bawat oras na makakasama ko siya ay alam ko sa sarili kong mas pinapahirap ko lang ang sitwasyon ko. Dahil patuloy sa paghuramentado ang puso kong pilit siyang inaalis sa aking sistema. And I don’t want him to invade me fully. I had to detach myself from that feeling of liking him.

Bumaba na ako ng hagdan at hindi ko na pinakiramdaman pa si Rhadmus kung nakasuod siya sa akin. At nang matunton ko ang dining room ay don ko na hindi napigilan ang presensya ni Rhadmus nang ipaghila ako nito ng upuan sa lamesa. Natitigilan man ako sa biglaang ginawa niya ay umakto ako na parang wala lang iyon.

He even glares at me with his flashing eyes. Which I just ignore. Hindi ko alam kung napansin ba ni Nics at Pierce iyong mga ginawa niya pero hindi ko nalang din tinangkang usisain ng aking paningin.

Nakahanda na ang mga pagkain nang makaupo ako sa hapagkainan. I take my seat beside Pierce’s chair in front of Rhadmus’ seat. Doon ako naupo at hindi sa tabi ng upuan ni Rhadmus na hinila niya para sa akin. Kaya naman ramdam ko ngayon ang matalim na mga mata niyang nasa akin ang tuon.

Inignora ko lamang iyon dahil gusto kong umakto na parang hindi ko nakita iyong ginawa niya. Nilingon ko si Pierce sa aking tabi na mukhang hindi naman pinuna iyong paghila ni Rhadmus ng upuan, at gano’n din si Nics nakapwesto sa upuang sana ay pwesto ko sa tabi ni Rhad dahil kakaupo lang nito galing sa kitchen nang may kunin pa siyang isang putahe ng ulam para ihain sa hapag.

Mukhang kami nalang dalawa ang hinihintay kaya naman nag-umpisa na rin kami sa pagkain. Nics has a lot of topics to share with us kaya hindi naman naging sobrang tahimik ang hapag. Gano’n din si Pierce at Rhadmus na tungkol sa kumpanya ang ilang pinag-uusapan. Habang ako ay tahimik lamang na nakikinig sa kanila at miminsa’y ngingiti kapag may ssabihin si Nics at Pierce.

Pilit ko mang iyuko ang aking ulo at ituon ang aking pangingin sa aking pinggan lamang ay hindi maiwasang dapuan ng aking mga mata ang gawi ni Rhadmus.

“I will have my vacation next month. So you are assigned to do my task while I’m gone.” Ani Rhad kay Pierce nang sinulyapan ko siya sa aking harapan.

Saktong pagdapo ng aking mga mata sa kaniya ay siya ring pagtagpo ng aming mga tingin.

“Vacation? And Rhadmus, one freaking month? Are you serious? Why is that long?” Pierce replied in surprise.

Ang mga mata ni Rhadmus ay napako sa akin ng magkatinginan kami. Kaya nang sagutin niya si Pierce ay nananatiling nasa akin pa rin ang kaniyang mga tingin. “Yes, I have to do something important… More significant than our business.” His lips sensually muttered and he looked away.

Bahagya namang napahalakhak si Pierce sa sinabi niya. “Fine, I guess it’s an engaged man thing. Damn, I never think you’ll find a woman that’s best for your lifetime. Go on, ako ng bahala sa kumpaniya at magpakasasa kayo ng asawa mo.” Pierce said then bark a peal of laughter afterward.

“Asawa? Kasal na kayo Kuya? Akala ko ba engaged pa lang?” Tanong naman ni Nics sa tabi ni Rhad.

Agad ko namang iniwas ang paningin ko sa titigan namin ni Rhad. “No, we’re just engaged…Pierce.” Seryosong aniya.

“Oh, my bad. Do’n din naman papunta ’yon. Mr. And Mrs., married life truly sucks. Such a catastrophe.” Pierce sounded like he doesn’t favor the idea of marriage.

“You don’t even get nor pick a woman Kuya Pierce. And for sure you doesn’t even know how to be in love kaya nasasabi mo pa ’yan ngayon.” Nics mocked.

Natahimik naman ako sa pinag-uusapan nila at kinuha na lamang ang baso sa aking harapan para uminom. But as my eyes lift at my glass of water, I saw Rhadmus’s darted eyes on me in my peripheral vision. Then suddenly he spoke,

“I will get married by the end of next month.” He suddenly casually announced.

Natigilan ako sa pag-inom ng tubig at halos mabilaukan sa sinabi niya nang pakiramdam ko ay may malaking lampara ang bumara sa aking lalamunan.

“Really? I’m super happy for you Kuya Rhad! Congrats!” Nics cheerfully said then even stood up from her seat to give Rhadmus a hug.

Ang kaninang mga mata ko na nakatuon lamang sa aking baso nang maibaba ko iyon matapos kong uminom ay awtomatikong nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. Nahuli ko naman ang seryosong mga mata nitong nakatitig din sa akin habang yakap nito si Nics sa aking harapan.

Naramdaman kong panikipan ako ng dibdib kaya naman sinubukan kong ikalma ang aking sarili. Ngunit parang sasabog ako nang hindi ko nakayanan ang sumunod niyang sinabi.

“And Neil will be my best man.”

Kabanata 23

Kabanata 23

Ring

Sabay na sabay na napatingin sa akin si Nics at Pierce nang sabihin ni Rhadmus na ako ang magiging best man niya. What the fuck? Is he fucking serious about it? Damn it.

I don’t even get why he chooses me. We are not even that close. Nagkakilala at nagkasama lang naman kami magmula nang manirahan na ako sa mga Gutierrez. He should pick Enzo or Pierce rather than me to be his best man. I would better be an exemption to it.

Especially since our past was a bit vague for me. I don’t want to be his best man on his wedding day. That’s it.

“Congratulations Kuya Neil! I’ll tell Kuya Enzo about it. For sure he will be glad about this news!” Nics giggles in excitement.

“There’s no need, Nics. I told him earlier bago ko pa sunduin si Neil kanina.” Rhadmus deterred my sister from calling Enzo on the other line.

’Di ko naman mapigilang mapalunok ng malalim habang pinagmamasdan ang tatlo sa aking harapan. Nang mapasadahan naman ng aking paningin ang gawi ni Pierce na may nakakalokong ngising nakaguhit sa kaniyang labi, ay hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong magdiwang na ako ang pinili ni Rhadmus na gawin niyang best man.

Mahina akong napabuntong-hininga na nagbaba ng tingin sa aking pinggan na wala ng lamang pagkain. Ramdam kong nananatili pa rin sa akin ang tuon ng mga titig ni Rhadmus. Seryoso…mariin. Kaya naman nang hindi ako makumportable sa sitwasyon ko ngayon ay hindi ko napigilan pa ang sarili kong magsalita.

“Bakit ako ang best man mo?” Wala sa katinuan kong tanong sa hapag nang hindi ko na alam ang dapat kong maging reaksyon.

Seryoso kong tinapatan ang malamig at seryosong mga mata ni Rhadmus na nakatitig sa akin kanina pa. Seryoso ang tono ng boses ko nang itanong ko iyon sa kaniya pero ang dalawa kong makakapal na kilay ay halos mag-isang linya sa inis. I didn’t mean to be mad while asking this thing on him. But I can’t help but react naturally…I feel annoyed at him for picking me as his best man. I don’t like it… I will never like it.

Nakita kong matigilan si Nics at Pierce sa tono ng naging tanong ko at sa naging ekspresyon ng aking mukha ngayon. Si Rhadmus naman ay nakitaan ko ng saya ang mga mata…marahil ay ikakasal na siya at sa taong mahal niya…at mahal din siya.

Napatiim bagang ako nang ang kumikislap na mga mata ni Rhadmus ay mas dumiin ang mga titig sa akin ngayon.

“I choose you because I believe that you’re my best man,” he answered bluntly.

I grit my teeth harshly. He chooses me because he believes that I’m his best man, is this man joking me around? And how does that happen? We never had that bond with pure intentions. Dahil pakiramdam ko no’ng mga panahong nakasama ko siya ay pinakitaan lang niya ako ng magaganda dahil sa may gusto siya sa akin. We’ve never known each other since we were kids. Enzo and Pierce suit the spot of best man instead of me.

“Bakit Neil, ayaw mo ba?” Pierce then suddenly asked. Bizarre.

Agad naman akong napababa ng tingin sa hapag at malalim na napalunok. Ang kaninang masaya nilang mga reaksyon nang sabihin ni Rhadmus na malapit na siyang ikasal ay para bang unti-unting naglalaho dahil sa naging reaksyon ko.

I wet my lips and let a heavy sigh before I answered Pierce’s question. “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel better today. Mauna na muna ako sa kwarto ko.” Ani ko nang hindi tumitingin sa kanilang gawi.

Daglian akong tumayo at walang pag-aalinlangan na umalis na ng hapagkainan. Ramdam ko ang nagugulat nilang reaksyon at nagtatakha nilang mga matang sinundan ako ng tingin palabas ng dining room. Hindi ko na iyon pinabulaanan sa aking isipan dahil ang nais ng utak at katawan ko sa mga oras na ito ay ang makapasok na ako ng aking silid.

Padarag kong isinarado ang pintuan at dire-diretsong naglakad sa madilim kong silid patungo sa aking kama nang matunton ko ang aking kwarto. Mabigat ang dibdib kong naupo sa aking higaan at mariing napatiim bagang sa inis na nararamdaman ko para sa sarili.

Hindi dapat ako umarte ng ganito. Hindi dapat ako nakakaramdam ng lungkot. Hindi dapat ako nagkakaganito ng dahil lang sa kasal niya. I know what my heart is. It has once been a rebel before and I won’t tolerate that to happen again. Nakatiimbagang akong napayuko sa sahig. Pagkaraan ay lumingon ako sa gilid ng lampshade sa tabi ng aking kama.

There, I glance at the small box where his gift for me last Christmas is. Napakurap ako. Kung gano’n para saan pala ’tong regalo na’to? After months of being gone, he left me this mini gift… A tiny gift that makes my heart hope… A gift that gives urges for me to like him back once he comes back.

Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. Pinigilan ko ang puso kong gustuhin siya pero nabaliwala lahat ng ’yon nang umalis siya. He left me with guilt. He left me with this gift. And he left me with this seedless pot that later on bloom unconsciously.

Kinuha ko ang maliit na itim na kahon na iyon at binuksan. Pinagmasdan ko ang maliit na susi na kulay ginto at pagkaraan ay hinawakan ng aking mga daliri para mahigpit na masakop ng aking palad. This key symbolizes how he open the closed doors of my heart. It was a small key yet it open the tight space and widely showcase how my heart can be spacious for him.

Since then I knew that he likes me. I just ignored it ’cuz it’s impossible and I just came from a dilemma with the Arcoiris that I don’t ever intend to repeat myself. Rhadmus likes me– but I can’t like him the way he likes me. That’s why I keep reminding myself. It became a chant in my head so that I won’t fall into a trap that my heart is making for me.

He’s a man with honor. An heir. And ruining the life he’s meant to be into, will not be just the end of him, but the end of our family. These feelings I’m secretly keeping myself can ruin lives that I treasured. I don’t want to lose another family. I cannot afford to lose another heartbreak… I can’t.

“I didn’t expect you to keep that gift of mine,” halos matigilan ako sa paghinga nang marinig ko ang malalim at namamaos niyang boses.

Napaangat ako ng tingin sa pinagmulan ng boses na iyon. At halos pangilabutan ako ng maaninag ng malungkot kong mga mata ang seryosong mukha ni Rhadmus na nakatayo na pala sa aking harapan. He’s towering me in front of the side of my bed. His eyes were in dark but I can discern how it was filled with hollow emotion.

Kung kanina ay mariin ang mga mata niyang tumitingin sa akin, ngayon naman ay wala ka ng mababakas na kahit anong emosyon sa kaniyang mga mata. His jet black sleek hair was a bit disheveled as the opened three buttons of his white button-down shirt raffled on his iron-clad chest. The sleeves of it were now crumpled up on his elbow.

Hindi ko matagalang tumingin sa kaniya nang mapansin ko ang kaniyang hitsura ngayon. He looks…different… yet I still can feel how warm his heart was before on me.

Mabagal akong napakurap at mariing ikinuyom ang aking kamay kung nasaan ang maliit na susi na kaniyang iniregalo sa akin nung Pasko. Itinago ko ang kamay kong nakakuyom sa aking gilid sa kama. Then I look away from his cold stares and try to act like I didn’t hear what he said.

“Pa’no ka nakapasok?” Walang buhay kong tanong sa kaniya nang hindi binabalingan ng tingin sa aking harapan. Taliwas ang sagot, pag-iiba ko sa usapang inuumpisahan niya.

I saw in my peripheral vision that he moved in front of me and put his both hands inside his pockets. “Your door is open, I simply entered your room.” He bluntly retorted.

Napatiim bagang naman ako sa naging sagot niya. Why is he doing this? Bakit parang kahit anong gawin kong pag-iwas sa kaniya ngayon ay siya namang paglapit niya sa akin. Is this because every time he approached me I gave him the benefit of the doubt? I draw in my head that his approach had different meanings even the truth is that there is nothing to be doubted.

He doesn’t like me anymore– does he? Yes, because he’s engaged now and I’m his best man… A living proof that the heart does really move on.

“Ayaw mo bang maging best man ko? Just tell me if you don’t want.” Pagbasag ng malalim niyang boses sa katahimikang namamagitan sa amin.

Hindi naman ako nagsalita sa sinabi niya. I remain silent and eyes on the floor. My room was dark and the lampshade on the side of my bed was our only light.

Narinig kong malalim siyang bumuntong-hininga sa harapan ko na mukhang hinihintay niya akong sagutin ang kaniyang sinabi. He even took a step near me that makes my heart also skipped its beat. Ilang hakbang ang ginawa niya palapit sa aking harapan hanggang sa ilang pulgada na lamang ang layo naming dalawa sa isa’t isa. At sa bawat paghakbang niya na iyon ay siyang paghuhuramentado ng aking dibdib.

At nang halos sobrang lapit na niya sa akin at hindi pa rin siya tumitigil sa paghakbang at gayundin ang pagmabog ng puso kong pilit siyang inaalis sa aking sistema ay nag-angat na ako sa kaniya ng tingin.

But as I raised my head, my chest almost explode in the remaining distance he only left between us. Sa sobrang lapit niya ay naaamoy ko ang mabango niyang amoy.

“Don’t you want to be my best man, Neil?” He asked me again. His voice was raucous this time that made me gape hard.

Bahagya naman akong umusod sa kama na kinauupuan ko dahil sa maliit na distansyang iniwan niya sa pagitan naming dalawa. Ang ulo ko ay katapat ng kaniyang baywang habang ang madilim niyang mukha ay naaaninag ko habang tinitingala siya sa aking harapan. Hindi ako sumagot at pinanatili ko lang ang mga mata kong nakatitig sa madilim at malamig niyang mga mata.

His eyes were darting on me in coldness. “Tell me, Neil. Kaya ka umalis kanina because you don’t want to be my best man. Is that it?” Tanong niya sa mariin at malalim na boses.

His thick brows began to meet in a furrow and I can’t help but feel pissed at him. So he stalks me inside my room just to confront me about this? Darn him.

Napakunot ako ng noo dahil sa naging paraan niya ng pagtatanong sa akin. “Oo, if you are here just to confront me about being your best man, then I will admit. I am, Rhadmus. I leave because of what you said.” Seryoso at ramdam kong mag-init ang dugo kong ani sa kaniya.

I saw how his jaw moved to what just I said. Nakita ko kung paanong mas dumilim ang kaniyang mga matang tinututok sa akin ngayon.

“So you don’t want to be my best man–”

“Ano ba sa tingin mo? May nakikita ka bang tuwa sa ekspresyon ko nang sabihin mong ako ang magiging best man mo? ’Di ba wala? So stop asking me multiple times about this shit!” I exclaimed in furious.

Taas baba ang alon ng aking dibdib matapos kong sabihin iyon. Nakita kong sandali siyang matigilan sa sinabi ko. His eyes dimmed more because of what I meant and his lips formed in a grim line of rage. Wala na akong pakialam kung anumang masabi ng bibig ko ngayon sa kaniya. I don’t mind if my words cut him like a knife.

“Don’t say that again. My wedding is not shit.” His voice narrowed sharply on me.

He’s towering me as I sat on my bed. Napaatras pa ’kong muli patungo sa gitna ng aking kama nang humakbang siya ulit at bahagyang iniyuko ang kaniyang ulo sa aking mukha. He’s mad. His eyes were screaming in rage, and so I am. Galit din ako.

Dumukwang siya sa akin habang ang matalim na nag-aapoy niyang mga titig ay hindi inaalis sa akin. Napapaatras naman ako patungo sa gitna nang kama sa tuwing ilang pulgada na lamang ay magtatama na ang aming mukha sa sobra niyang lapit sa akin.

“Oh, did I say it shit? My bad but I’m not sorry–”

“I said stop it.” napakariing putol niya sa akin na halos magpanindig ng mga balihibo ko.

But I didn’t back off. He’s mad and I’m mad as well. He made me his best man and now he’s furious because I don’t even give a fuck to his stupid wedding.

“Bakit? Totoo naman ah? Your engagement with that woman is shit for me–”

“I said stop it, Neil Irish!” His huge loud voice thunder in every corner of my room.

Nanginig naman ako sa gulat sa lakas ng dagundong ng galit niyang boses. And what stops me more is when he pushed me on my bed harshly, making me fall on it. Malakas ang pintig ng puso ko dahil sa tensyon ng galit niya para sa’kin.

Malakas na bumagsak ang likuran ko sa kama habang habol ko ang mabilis na pagkabog ng dibdib ko sa kaba. My eyes trace him above me in full rage, preying me in fury. Itinukod ko ang kanan kong siko habang sinusubukan kong bumangon at umusod palayo sa kaniya. My left hand was injured and I can’t just move.

Malakas ang pagtahip ng aking dibdib sa mga oras na ito. At halos kumawala naman ang puso ko sa aking dibdib nang ang magkabilang tuhod ni Rhadmus ay kinulong ang dalawa kong magkabilang hita sa pagitan ng kaniya. Cornering my legs in between him while his feverish eyes sharply darting on me on the bed, breathing pantingly.

He was angrily eying me above me as I tried to sit with my right hand, but I can’t. Pumaibabaw siya sa akin at nang halos muntikan na akong makabangon sa pagkakahiga ay siya ring pagtulak niyang muli sa akin.

“Rhadmus! W-What the fuck are you doing?!” Kinakabahan at parang tambol ang puso kong nahihirapan sa paghinga nang sabihin ko iyon dahil sa sobrang lapit ng aming mga mukha at katawan sa isa’t isa sa mga puntong ito.

But he didn’t even flinch with my exclaimed. He moved closer to me like he didn’t care if I’m hyperventilating right now below him. His eyes were in full rage and it seems that no one can stop him from punishing me for my sins.

I couldn’t move even I tried so much. Dahil ang kaniyang mga hita ay mabigat na dumadagan sa aking katawan. Leaving his upper body lift so it won’t hurt my injured arm in between us.

“Say that again and I’ll burried you here on your bed.” Matalim niyang banta sa akin.

Napaiwas naman ako sa kaniya ng tingin dahil halos isang pulgada na lamang ang pagitan ng aming mga mukha sa isa’t isa. Our nose even touched so I looked away. I clenched my jaw.

“Hindi ako makagalaw Rhadmus! Get away from me!”

“Hindi ako aalis hangga’t hindi ka pumapayag na maging best man ko–”

“Why the hell do you want me to be that man even I don’t want to!”

“I already said, you are my best man! So be it, Neil Irish!” Mariin at ramdam ko ang awtoridad sa boses niya nang sabihin niya iyon.

Saglit akong natigilan at hinabol ang hiningang kanina ko pa pilit na hinahabol. I swallowed hard and I’m started to get conscious because of the fast beating of my heart. He’s too close to me. And I’m scared that he could hear what this loudly beats inside my chest is screaming off.

Napakalakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Dumadagundong… Nakakabingi. Kaya naman imbes na ipilit kong bumangon gamit ang kanan kong kamay ay sinubukan ko na lamang siyang itulak sa dibdib papalayo sa akin. Ngunit gano’n nalamang akong kinapos sa hininga nang ang isa niyang kamay ay mahigpit na pinigilan ang kamay kong tutulak sa kaniya palayo sa akin. While his other hand caught my chin and made me look at him straight in the eyes.

Hawak niya ang aking baba habang ang kamay kong nakaamba na sa kaniyang dibdib ay ginagapos ng kaniyang isa pang kamay. Tinangka kong bawiin ang kamay ko sa kaniya at iiwas ang aking mukha but he was that massive to control me not to slip out from his hold.

“Bitawan mo ako. Bitawan mo ako sabi Rhadmus!”

“Hell, I won’t.” Malademonyo ang namamaos at napakaseryosong boses nitong bulong sa akin.

Sobrang lapit ng aming mga mukha sa isa’t isa. Masama ko siyang tinitingnan habang siya naman ay mukhang kalmado na pero ang galit ay hindi nawawala sa ekspresyon ng kaniyang imahe. If this is what he wants, then I will give it to him.

“What do you want? Gusto mo akong gawing best man, para ano? Para ano, Rhadmus? Para ipamukha sa’king nakita mo na yung babaeng sinasabi kong deserving sa pagmamahal mo? Is that it? Huh?” I asked him in fatal.

His jaw clenched. His dimmed eyes darkened more as they glistened on me. “Wala akong intensyon na ganiyan–”

“E’di ano pala? Para ipamukha sa’kin yung sinayang ko? Para pagsisihan ko na hindi ko inacknowledge ’yang letcheng pagmamahal mo sa’kin?! Gano’n ba ’yon Rhadmus? Tell me!”

Mahigpit ang kanang kamay kong nakahawak sa damit niya habang hinihintay siyang magsalita. Hindi niya pa rin ako binibitawan at wala na akong pakialam kung hindi na niya ako bitawan pa.

Masinsin ko siyang pinagmasdan sa mga mata. I’m mad. I get angry because I wanted him so much…so bad. But I can’t… I just couldn’t.

“Ayokong maging best man mo. Ayokong ma-involve sa kasal niyo Rhadmus if that’s what you want to hear from me.” Mahinahon ang mapait kong boses na ani sa kaniya ngayon.

Nagbaba ang galit kong mga mata sa kaniyang nakatiim na labi. Habang siya naman ay ramdam kong hindi inaalis ang paningin sa aking mga matang nagtatago sa mata niyang humahalukay sa nararamdaman ko.

“Why you don’t want to be my best man then? Hmm? Why?” Namamaos ang seryoso niyang boses na tanong sa akin.

I blink and swallowed hard. “Look at me in the eyes and tell me your reasons.”

Mas lalo ko namang iniwas ang mga mata kong pilit niyang hinuhuli. “Tell me,”

“Ayoko nga sabi–”

“Why?” Ma-awtoridad niyang tanong sa akin.

Matalim ko naman siyang tiningnan sa mga mata ngayon.

“Because I don’t want to, Rhadamanthus. Pwede namang si Enzo nalang o kaya naman ay si Pierce bakit kailangan na ako pa?”

Naramdaman ko naman siyang mahinang mapabuntong-hininga nang maramdaman ko ang mainit niyang hininga na tumama sa aking leeg. Malalim akong napalunok sa pakiramdam na iyon.

“Sila matagal mo ng nakasama simula pagkabata. Kumpara sa akin na nito mo lang nakilala, dahil anak ako sa labas.”

Masungit at pagalit pa rin ako nitong tinaasan ng kilay na parang walang silbe ang aking mga dahilan. Napakagat labi pa ako sa nakakaintimida nitong pagtingin sa akin.

“They were your real cousins! Kaya isa dapat sa kanila ang kuhanin mong best man kesa ako.” Pagdadahilan ko pa.

But seeing his serious face right now, it clearly says that he doesn’t buy any of my alibis. But I don’t care. I don’t want to be his best man period.

“That doesn’t change my mind. I still choose you. Whether you like it or not, you had nothing to do with it but deal with it.” He sharply said to me.

“Sabing ayoko nga–”

“Then why?”

“I already told you my reasons! Isn’t that enough to just let me go?! Damn it!”

Mas dumiin naman ang paraan niya ng pagtitig sa akin. Habang ang kaniyang kamay ay naramdaman kong higpitan pa lalo ang pagkakahawak sa aking kamay at baba.

“Rhadmus you’re hurting me! Fuck, just let me go!”

“I’m not. I’m just holding you tight so I won’t lose you– to be my best man.”

“I already told you! Hindi ko nga gustong maging best man mo!” Pahalyaw kong sinabi sa kaniya.

Halos maduling naman ang mga mata kong matalim siyang tinitingnan dahil mas inilalapit pa niya ang kaniyang mukha sa akin.

“I moved on, Neil. So what’s the reason for refusing?” Paos ang boses niyang ani na nagpatigil sa akin.

Parang may kumirot sa parte ng puso ko nang marinig ko iyon sa kaniya.

“Nakalimutan ko na yung letcheng pagmamahal na sinasabi mo sa’kin kanina na nararamdaman ko para sa’yo noon. Wala na ’yon. And if you think that I pick you as my best man just because I want to slap you the fact that I already found the woman you were saying, you’re getting it wrong. Because you are seeing it that way. You are comprehending it differently. Bakit Neil? Sa mga panahon ba na nawala ako, may nangyari ba sa’yo na hindi ko alam? How about in here?” Turo niya sa dibdib ko…kung nasaan ang puso kong nagwawala. “Is there a change of heart happened?”

Natuyuan ako ng laway sa aking lalamunan sa mga sinabi niya. Parang sinipa ng kabayo ang puso ko sa huling linyang binitawan niya. Yes, there’s a change of heart that happened while you’re gone Rhadmus but I will never let you know it.

Napaiwas muli ako ng mga mata nang ang kaniyang mga tingin ay para bang hinahalukay ang kalooblooban ng isipan ko. I can’t stare at him for long, because every time our gazes took so much time, he’s getting inside my system and I’m scared that he might recognize something I can never acknowledge.

“I didn’t mean to say that earlier–”

“Tss, don’t lie. Your eyes might trick me but your heart won’t. You’re bitter because I’m getting married. And you don’t want to be my best–”

“I’m not bitter. Don’t make this big deal Rhadmus.”

“Then why you don’t want to be my best man then? Don’t tell me your heart says the other way around that night. You said that you can’t love me the way I loved you. Because you’re still into someone. What just happened now, Neil Irish? Do you like me now–”

“Fuck you! I meant what I said that night! So stop assuming like I just throw you those words to hurt you, because I’m not. I say what my heart is telling me!”

“Then why can’t you tell me why you don’t want to be my best man at the wedding? Come on, spill what’s your heart is telling about it. Hindi ba at sinasabi mo lang naman kung anong sinasabi ng puso mo? Then tell me what it is saying right now.” Mariin at nanghahamon ang tono ng galit nitong boses sa akin.

My breath hitched by his defiance. His face was getting closer to me and I have nothing to adjust and escape it. I hated myself for being trapped. For being hauled in the cage I’m always making to myself. And now that I’m cornered, I’m creating another cage that makes my space smaller and thinner just so people won’t recognize what my heart wants to speak up about.

“I don’t like you Rhadmus. If you think that I liked you, I’m not. Hindi rin ako bitter. I just don’t want to get involved with you anymore. So please, hayaan mo nalang ako.” Diretsa kong ani sa kaniya ng nakatitig sa kaniyang mga mata. That way, he won’t doubt it that I lied.

His jaw clenched. We stare at each other for a while, and later on, he slowly nods his head as he understands it now. Pagod naman ang mga mata kong hindi iniwan ang seryoso niyang mga tingin na nakapako sa akin.

Nagseryoso pa lalo ang kaniyang mga tingin sa akin pagkaraan. At kalaunan ay naramdaman kong unti-unting lumuwag ang kaninang mahigpit niyang pagkakahawak sa aking kanang kamay.

“I will be married soon and you’ll gonna be my best man. I already forgot my feelings for you, and you don’t like me, still. I think it’s a better start for both of us. Let’s be casual for it and take my offer as a real man.” He hoarsely muttered.

Binitawan na niya ako at unti-unti ay naramdaman kong umalis siya sa pagkakadagan sa aking ibabaw. His eyes were still in dark but the gloom that abruptly passed through his eyes didn’t escape my vision. Tumayo siya at iniwan akong nakatihaya sa kama.

“Three weeks. Tatlong linggo na mawawala si Dorothy. She’ll be with her parents during those days that we’re far away from each other. And those days that I’m not with her, let me be with you…for once.”

Napakurap naman ako sa sinabi niya. Then I let a soft sigh.

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait till you end this semester this week. And as a start, let me know you better. I don’t like you anymore, malapit na rin akong ikasal, doubting me won’t have any room at this moment.” Seryosong dagdag pa niya, ibang iba sa seryosong paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya sa akin.

“Alright, sasabihin ko rin muna kay Enzo,”

“There’s no need for that. He knew my plans. We’ll spend the summer together…in the mansion…and know each other…undoubtedly. We’re cousins, and now I feel sick of loving you that way before. Naiintindihan na kita ngayon.”

Marahan naman akong bumangon matapos niyang masabi iyon. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa ngayon na naiintindihan na niya na hindi dapat kami magmahalan ng higit sa magpinsan. But my heart just sank unwillingly with his words. Masakit pala masabihan ng mga ganitong salita. I never thought it before dahil madalas ay ako ang nagsasabi nito.

Marahan na lamang akong tumango nang hindi ko na nagawa pa siyang tingnan sa mga mata.

“Here, get this. The best man keeps the wedding ring of the couple safe. Better watch out for this.” Pag-abot niya sa akin ng maliit na kulay pulang kahon kung saan naroon ang singsing nilang dalawa.

At first, I was hesitant to take it from him but as his gaze stays long on me, I snatch it from his hand abruptly.

“I really don’t think that these rings are in the right hands,” I muttered.

“They are in good hands. Look after the wedding rings and I’ll see you next week, my best man.”

Ilang saglit pa kaming nagtitigan bago niya ako tuluyang tinalikuran at umalis na ng silid. Hindi ko naman napigilan ang dalawang mata kong mamungay habang pinagmamasdan ang malapad niyang likod na talikuran ako palabas ng silid ko…walking out leaving me their emblem of love.

Kabanata 24

Kabanata 24

Goodnight

Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isipan ko at nagawa kong tanggapin ang mga sinabi ni Rhadmus sa akin. I didn’t even remember that I agree to be his best man, but as he stated, we better start from scratch. No feelings. No doubt. Just pure bond as cousins…and as his groom’s man.

Pagkatapos ng kumprontasyon na ginawa niya sa akin nang gabing iyon ay pakiramdam ko ay may nagbago sa akin. I can’t define it myself but there’s a piece inside me that changed because of it. My mind had swirled with the truth that he really got to move on. And he does.

Mapait man kung iisipin pero nakaramdam ako ng kaginhawaan na wala na akong dapat pang alalahanin. I will attend his wedding as his best man and be part of his life as his cousin. Erasing the part that happened to us.  It wouldn’t be an issue for both party and that encounter between us must be seen as a wind…to just pass by.

After that night I feel light, even there’s a bit of me sank unknowingly. He’ll be married for real and I’m playing a huge role in that event. I glance at my hand where I’m holding the tiny red box where their rings are in. Ilang minuto ko rin iyong pinagmasdan kung dapat ko pa bang buksan para tingnan ang hitsura ng kanilang magiging singsing sa araw ng kanilang kasal. O hindi ko na lamang tingnan dahil hindi naman parte ko ang makiusisa sa bagay na ang layunin ko lang naman ay ingatan.

Pagkaraan ay napagdesisyonan ko na lang na huwag na lamang iyon tingnan. Malakas na buntong hininga pa muna ang pinakawalan ko bago ko iyon tuluyang binitawan at itinabi sa kulay itim na maliit na kahon na iniregalo niya sa akin. There were these two mini boxes that I should watch out for.

Kinabukasan ay pumasok muli ako ng klase at tinapos ang mga dapat kong gawin. I only have this week and this school year will end. Mabilis na lumipas ang mga naging araw ko at hindi ko namamalayan iyon dahil abala ako sa bawat oras na inilalagi ko sa school. At sa tuwing uuwi naman ako ng bahay ay pahinga naman ang inatupag ko para tuluyan ng gumaling ng husto ang braso ko.

Lola and Tita Stella would call every time I’m home to check on me. Hindi naman na gano’n kasakit ang braso ko. Ilang araw lang ay nagawa ko na ring alisin ang gasa niyon. Nagagalaw ko na rin iyon nang mga sumunod na araw. It’s now Friday at ito na ang huli kong klase.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako na parang minuto lang na matatapos ang isang linggo at magkikita na kami ni Rhadmus. Wala akong ideya kung saan kami pupunta maliban sa mansion. Ang tanging sabi lang niya sa akin ay magkikita kami pagkaraan ng isang linggo matapos ang klase ko.

I finished my second year of college at mabilis na lumipas ang araw ng Sabado at Linggo. Hindi na kami nagtungo pa ng mansion nitong weekends dahil summer naman na at magtutungo kami ng mansion sa Lunes para magbakasyon do’n.

“Kuya we gotta go na!” I heard Nics downstairs as I open the doorknob of my room.

Lumabas ako ng aking silid dala ang aking cellphone dahil muntikan ko pa itong makalimutan kaya binalikan ko pa. Nagmadali akong lumabas ng kwarto dahil ako na lamang ang hinihintay nila para makaalis na kami patungong mansion.

“Coming!” I answered loudly nang malapit na ako sa hagdan.

As I hold on to the railings to take a quick step downstairs I halted my foot from taking down when my eyes caught the man staring at me seriously from our living area. He was standing there with his aloof glares. Natigilan ako sa pagbaba ng hagdan ngunit nang makita ko si Pierce at Nics na kanina pa sa akin naghihintay ay agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin kay Rhadmus at dali-daling bumaba na ng hagdanan.

Para akong nakaramdam ng mabilis na kaba sa aking dibdib na makitang nadito siya ngayon. It’s been one week like what he said ay magkikita kami, but I expect it to be in the mansion. Not in here.

Kaya naman nang makababa ako at makalapit sa gawi nila ay walang tigil sa pagtahip ang aking dibdib. Lalo na nang tingnan ko si Rhadmus ay nakita kong nananatili pa rin pala sa akin ang kaniyang mga mata.

“Let’s go na. Lola keeps calling me dahil dapat umabot daw tayo ng dinner.” I heard Nics confide.

Hindi ko naman siya nabalingan dahil ang aking paningin ay napako kay Rhadmus na may seryoso ring mga matang nakatitig sa akin. He’s only wearing his black polo shirt that fits his broad shoulders and triceps perfectly, paired with his faded maong pants and sported with his caterpillar boots. Seems like he’s really going to the mansion with this fit.

“Sa’kin ka sasakay,” biglang aniya sa gitna ng titigan naming dalawa.

Parang wala naman akong narinig nang sabihin niya iyon. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa kaniyang malalalim na mga mata at pagkaraan ay gumapang ang aking paningin sa kaniyang manipis na pulang mga labi. I don’t know why my eyes suddenly crawled down on his tiny luscious lips but my sight locked on his pretty mouth.

“Hey, we have to go. Do you hear me? Neil,” aniyang muli na nilapitan pa ako nang hindi ko marinig ang sinabi niya kanina.

Napakurap-kurap naman ako, ani mong natauhan dahil mukhang nagtagal pala ang aking mga mata sa kaniyang pulang mga labi.

“Y-Yeah, I heard you. Sasakay na’ko kila Pierce.” I answered stutteringly.

Nakalapit naman na siya sa harapan ko at mas lalo kong natitigan sa malapitan ang kaniyang manipis na mga labi. Agad na natutop ro’n ang aking paningin.

“You didn’t hear me. I said you’ll go in my car. Si Nics ay sa sasakyan ni Pierce. You can’t bring your car for now, ’di ka pa muna pwedeng magmaneho.”

Naakunot naman ako ng noo sa sinabi niya. ’Di ko alam kung saan ako magpo-focus. Sa kaniyang labi o sa mga sinasabi niya. But when my mind snap me from my reverie I cleared my throat. Then I hurriedly put my eyes back on his a bit annoyed glares right now.

“Kay Pierce nalang ako–”

“Let’s go. We have a deal so don’t ever refuse everything I say.” Masungit niyang putol sa sasabihin ko.

Napakurap naman ako at isinara na lamang ang nakaawang kong bibig para ’di na magreklamo pa. Fine. I’ll go with him. Kaya naman nang mariin pa muna niya akong pinagmasdan bago niya ako talikuran ay pasiring akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya. Sakto namang dumapo sa gawi nila Pierce at Nics ang paningin ko na mukhang kanina pa pala sa akin nakatingin.

I bit my lips when I realized that I stare too much at Rhadmus and maybe they notice it. Damn.

“Uhm…” Nauubusan ko ng sasabibihin.

“Kay Kuya Rhad ka na sumakay. Ako na kay Kuya Pierce. Lola decided about this para hindi raw matagtag ang braso mo sa byahe lalo na at nasa healing stage ka pa rin daw.” Nics then emitted.

Malalim naman akong napalunok dahil seryoso ang mga mata nilang dalawang nakatingin sa akin ngayon. “Sigi,” tanging ani ko dahil hindi ko alam ang ire-react sa paraan ng kanilang mga tingin.

Mabuti na lamang ay narinig kong tawagin akong muli ni Rhadmus na mukhang nasa labas na ng bahay at naghihintay na sa akin palabas. Kaya naman ay hindi na rin nagtagal ang tinginan namin nila Pierce sa loob dahil lumabas na ako.

I get inside Rhadmus car at saktong pagkaupo ko ay gano’n na lamang akong malalim na napalunok nang bumalandra sa akin ang hubad nitong katawan pang-itaas. Mabilis kong isinara ang pintuan ng sasakyan sa aking tabi at agad na nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya.

“What the hell Rhadmus? Why are you shirtless?!” I asked him almost hysterically dahil parang may kakaibang kakawala sa sistema ko sa ganiyan niyang hitsura.

Napatingin ako sa bintana sagilid ko para lang mag-iwas sa kaniya ng tingin. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba na mag-iwas ako ng tingin pero dahil pakiramdam ko ay pinang-iinitan ako ng mga pisngi ay pinili ko na lamang na mag-iwas ng tingin.

“I’m just changing my shirt–”

“And why?! Maayos naman na ang suot mo kanina ah! Kaya bakit ka pa magpapalit ng damit?” Naiirita kong tanong dahil hindi tuloy ako kumportable.

Narinig ko naman siyang singhalan lang ako at pagkaraan ay naramdaman ko siyang may kuhanin sa backseat, kaya naman ang katawan niya naramdaman kong tumatama sa aking kaliwang braso. At para akong napaso nang ang hubad niyang pang-itaas na katawan ay dimikit sa balikat ko. I stiffened in my seat and didn’t move because of that.

I felt my skin shiver a bit as the loud thump of my heart deafen my hearing.

“I just want to change my shirt. Hold on,” dinig ko ang matikas nitong boses sa backseat, may kinukuha. At nang mukhang nahanap na niya ay agad siyang naupong muli sa driver seat.

Malalim naman akong napalunok dahil kahit ilang segundo lang na dumikit ang balat niya sa akin ay para akong nadarang sa apoy. Pigil ko ang aking hininga at nanigas sa kinauupuan ko. Kaya naman ng bumalik na siya sa upuan niya ay maluwag akong nakahinga.

“Why are you looking away at the window?” Tanong nito habang sinusuot ang kaniyang damit. Ani mong kuryoso kung ano bang pinagmamasdan ko sa labas ng bintana.

Napanguso naman ako sa tanong niya. Does he really need to ask me that?!

“B-Bakit? Nagbibihis ka kaya! Bilisan mo! Nakaalis na yung sasakyan nila Pierce tayo nandito pa.”

“You’re a guy too, what’s the need of turning back. Come on look at me,”

Nagsiliparan naman ang mga kulisap sa aking sikmura na pilit kong kinukulong kanina pa nang sabihin niya iyon. Para tuloy akong matataranta na hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili. Damn it, Neil! What are you doing?! Stop panicking! It’s just Rhadmus changing his shirt inside his car beside you. Stop being so lame, goddamn it!

Tama, I shouldn’t turn my back on him. Bakit ako pa ang mahihiya e’ siya ’tong nagbibihis. The heck. This reaction is killing me. Kaya naman ay umayos ako ng upo at dahan-dahan ay nilingon ko siya sa aking tabi.

May suot na siyang saplot ngayon. It was a white crew-neck shirt. At gano’n na lamang talagang nalaglag ang panga ko sa nakitang suot niya. “What the– You changed your shirt for this?” Hindi makapaniwala kong tanong sa kaniya.

“What?” He drawled lazily as he started to maneuver the car.

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin kahit nasa harapan ang kaniyang tuon. “You just change the color of your shirt. Idiot,” mahina kong bulong sa huling salita.

Nakatingin siya ngayon sa kalsada dahil pinaandar na niya ang aming sasakyan. He’s also wearing his black wayfarer as he dashingly maneuvers the car. Gusto ko mang alisin ang paningin ko sa kaniya ay hindi ko alam pero hindi ko na magawa, hindi ko maiwasang mamangha. He really looks like a god. His aristocrat features seamlessly captured my eyes and I can’t just look away even he’s only wearing a white damn shirt.

“Your cheeks are reddened,”

Wala sa sariling napakurap naman ako at mabilis na napakunot ng noo sa sinabi niya. “H-Huh? Naiinitan lang siguro ako,” pagdadahilan ko sabay iwas ng tingin sa harapan ng sasakyan.

Naramdaman ko naman siyang sulyapan ako. “The aircondition was at its highest. You sure you feel hot?” He then asked in an alluring tone.

I gape hard. Iba ang naiisip ng utak ko sa sinabi niya and I don’t want his phrases to fill my nut head with his filthy words. I cleared my throat and just frowned as I shook my head in defy.

“Y-Yes! Naiinitan nga lang ako. Magmaneho ka na nga lang! Ang dami mo pang sinasabi.” I said, irritated.

Natunugan ko naman siyang matunog na napangisi. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang ibalik ang aking paningin sa kaniyang gawi. I know that everything that is happening right now shouldn’t be comprehended with malice. But my mind is starting to draw stars that I can dream of at night. I badly want to ignore it but every time Rhadmus’ face hit my sight, I don’t know but I just can’t help myself but stare at him for a while.

“You look away when I dress up my shirt a while ago. Does my body make you blush? Hmm?” He suddenly asked which made me instantly stiffen in my seat.

Nananatili ang tuon ng kaniyang paningin sa daan but the evil smirk on his lips didn’t escape my sight. Damn, I never thought this man to be this outspoken, so full of himself. Well, I knew it since then, I just chose to not pay attention to him ’cuz I should not to.

Tinaasan ko naman siya ng isa kong kilay. “Such a perv. You’re assuming too much Rhadmus. Why don’t you just stop the car and leave me on the road? Mamamasahe nalang ako,” iritado kong ani sa kaniya kahit pa sa loob-loob ko ay gusto ko ng ngumiti.

Nakita ko naman kung pa’no agad nabura ang ngisi sa kaniyang labi. Sinulyapan niya pa ako at kahit na nakasuot siya ng itim na salamin ay kita ko sa reaksyon ng dalawang makapal niyang kilay na magkasalubong na iritado siya bigla. Napakapit naman ako sa inuupuan ko nang bigla niyang bilisan ang pag-andar ng sasakyan.

Tahimik naman akong malademonyong napangisi nang mag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Don’t play with me, Rhad. I joke annoyingly to piss you off. I smirked evilly more in my head.

I thought our ride will be boring and awkward, dahil sa naging usapan namin last Monday. Because since that night ay hindi naman na kami muling nagkita at nagkausap pa. Kaya hindi ko inakala na ang byahe namin papuntang mansyon ay magiging ganito kaayos.

It was like our usual bangayan before when he hadn’t confessed his feeling for me back then. Ganito kami kung mag-asaran at siya ang madalas na pikon ’cuz every time I tease him back, he can’t backfire it on me. Those times I already feel that there is something towards his treatment of me and I just ignored it. But now that I have this studdle moment with him knowing that he confessed to me before, my heart just skip its beat.

I don’t want to think that he throws me cute lines just because he’s still into me. Yet my heart encodes it as if it was meant to make me feel something weird. Despite our mini studdle, I still feel how aloof he was on me. At gano’n din naman ko sa kaniya.

Kaya kanina nang pababa na kami ng sasakyan ay halos walang imik akong lumabas at dumire-diretsong lumakad patungo kay Lola at Tita Stella na naghihintay sa amin sa bulwagan ng mansion. I didn’t even take a glance at Rhad’s way dahil alam kong tinitimpla pa niya ang sitwasyon namin.

We’ll be spending our days together for almost a month. That’s what he said. And I’ll be with him not just as his best man but also to meet his new him and his true self behind the sugarcoat feelings he showed me before. It will be our better start…that’s what he thinks. But for me, I just realize at this moment that it was a trap for my heart. 

It will maybe be a great start for him for the two of us as good cousins but I’m frightened that my heart will discern it as a start of developing these forbidden feelings that I’m trying to resist. Pero kahit na gano’n pa man ay gusto kong umayos ang relasyon naming dalawa bilang magpinsan.

Dahil iyon naman talaga ang dahilan ko kung bakit ko pinipigilan ang sarili ko sa kaniya. To save him and our family from the controversy that our incest love could make. I wanted to treasure this real family I’m with. This is where I really belong, and ravaging the world I am standing with right now, could be the end of me.

I won’t afford to lose another family, another cousin, another relationship where I can strengthen without crossing my feeling over the line. Matiwasay kaming nakauwi ng hapon na iyon. We dine together with our family.

At gaya ng dati, we seem back to normal. Naupo siya sa aking tabi sa hapagkainan at sa kanan ko naman ay si Pierce. Gusto ko mang manibago pero may parte sa aking nagugustuhan ang mga ito. His simple gestures never failed to catch my attention, even his simple glimpses, I can’t help but just bit my lip and hold back myself from reacting too much.

“The reason why she isn’t here is that she’s on vacation with her family?” Nics asked surprisingly to Rhadmus beside me.

Nasa hapagkainan pa rin kami at kakatapos lang kumain ng main course. Sunod nang inahin ng mga kasambahay ang desserts kaya ang usapan ay nabuhay nang dumako na sa kasal ni Rhadmus. Lolo was with us as well and he seems very critical about this wedding. Probably because Dorothy is the daughter of one of the well-known families in the country. I don’t know about her that much but I’m predicting that this marriage would make the two companies of the family merge into one. Kaya gan’to nalang din kaseryoso si Lolo para sa kasal ni Rhadmus.

“Yes, she will be back a week before our wedding for preparations.”

“Hindi ba at masyadong maikli ang isang linggong preparasyon para sa magarbo ninyong kasal?” Lola inserted. “At isa pa, bakit hindi na lamang kayo nagsama na dalawa ngayong bakasyon? Isn’t that a great idea for the two of you to enjoy the company of each other?”

Napatikhim ako ’ron. Naramdaman ko namang mapatingin sa aking tabi si Rhad na simple ko namang binalingan lang ng tingin.

“Ma, maybe Dorothy just wants to spend her remaining days with her family before she gets wed. I think we should respect that,” Tita Stella confided.

Malungkot namang bumuntonghininga si Lola sa kaniyang upuan. “I understand Stella. Gusto ko lang naman na sana magkaroon ng apo. Since Rhad and Dorth are engaged and will get married soon, isn’t it a good idea for them to make a baby? I mean, I’m not getting any younger anymore. I wanted an apo!” Lola exclaimed as she demanded it badly.

Nakita ko namang mapatingin si Tita Stella kay Rhad. She was about to speak when Papa suddenly interfere.

“Mama, huwag natin silang madaliin. I’m sure Rhad can give you that. Just not this time, probably after their honeymoon, alright?” Papa console my Grandma who looks so excited to have a grandchild.

“And don’t worry about your age, you still look young than ever Ma.” Tito Leonard imparted to Lola who’s began to plaster a soft smile this time.

Bahagya naman silang nagtawanan dahil don. Ako naman ay nilalaro sa aking pinggan ang caramel custard na halos hindi ko na pala nagalaw dahil sa pakikinig sa kanilang pinag-uusapan.

“By the way, who are your groomsmen? I assume Enzo will be your best man,” Lolo then look forward from Rhad that makes the little laughter seems awkward.

Malalim naman akong napalunok nang mabanggit niya iyon. Mas lalo akong napayuko sa pagtingin sa aking pinggan nang tanungin niya iyon kay Rhad.

“No, Neil suits that spot for me. And I’ll spend my vacation with him before my wedding.” Rhadmus announced in brief.

Para naman akong nalagutan ng hininga nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa matanda at makita ang reaksyon nito matapos marinig ang balita. I expect this already anyway. That Lolo will not like the idea of me being Rhadmus’s best man, so Tita Aurelia as well.

“What? Enzo should be your best man. He was with you since you were a child. Not him who just show up in this family.” Ma-awtoridad na ani Lolo na para bang siya na ang nagdesisyon para rito.

Nabaling naman ang tingin ko kay Rhad nang hindi naalis kay Lolo ang seryoso nitong mga mata. “No, Lo. This is my wedding and I want Neil to be my best man. Enzo agreed to it as well–”

“Are you serious?” Tita Aurelia interferes in the middle of Rhadmus’ line, surprised that his son agreed to it.

Napakurap naman ako at hindi maiwasang panghinaan ng loob nang ang nasusuklam na mga mata nina Tita Aurelia at Lolo ay sabay na tumuon sa akin ang matalim na mga tingin. Ani mong nag-uudyok na umalis na lamang ako sa kanilang harapan.

“Aurelia,” it was Papa’s stern voice, stopping her.

I was about to look down since I can’t seem to handle their hefty glares at me when Rhadmus turn his serious glares at me. Napatingin din ako sa kaniya, and my gloomy eyes met his menace stares.

“Dorothy agreed to it, she also wanted him to be my best man. There’s no problem with Enzo, he’s happy that I chose Neil for this… And I will be very happy as well, very much happy that he’ll be part of my wedding.”

Seryosong sinabi ni Rhad iyon habang ang mga mata ay hindi inaalis sa akin ang tingin. Wala akong ibang maramdaman nang mga oras iyon kun’di ang pagmasdan lamang ang kaniyang kumikislap na mga mata. His eyes were twinkling in happiness and I can’t stop myself from feeling the agony of pain that he finally found his woman.

After he stated that no one argues about it anymore. They are happy that I’ll be his best man. His mom and dad, Tita Aurelia and Tito Leonard even congratulated me as well as Dad and Lola. Sila Lolo and Tita Aurelia naman ay mukhang nawalan na ng gana sa hapagkainan.

Hindi na lamang ako nagkumento dahil wala rin naman akong dapat na sabihin. Lolo didn’t want me to interrupt with everything unless I’m being asked. And I won’t dare to speak up as well.

Natapos ang dinner namin na ramdam ko ang pagkadisgusto ni Tita Aurelia at Lolo sa naging desisyon ni Rhadmus. I’m actually nervous that I might be replaced. And I’m stunned Lolo didn’t intrude with his decision. Dahil pagdating kay Pierce at Enzo, the decision of the two should always depend on him. Kaya gano’n na lamang din ang pagtataka ko na hindi na nagawang pakialaman pa ni Lolo ang desisyon niya.

Paakyat na ako ng hagdan patungo ng aking silid para makapagpahinga na sa gabing ito habang iniisip ko iyon. Marahil ay hindi nakialam si Lolo dahil si pinagkakatiwalaan niya ng husto ito. And just by looking at Rhad from afar, you can immediately say that he’s a man with honor and dignity. Additionally, his intimidating aura will make you feel compelled by his presence of authority. Kaya gano’n na lamang siguro kung hayaan ni Lolo si Rhad sa mga nagiging desisyon nito.

Natunton ko na ang ikalawang palapag at malapit na ako sa aking silid nang mahagip ng aking paningin ang kwarto na hindi kalayuan sa aking silid. Kung saan nakita ko si Rhad at Dorothy nang gabing iyon. Gusto ko mang magtuloy tuloy sa paglalakad but my feet suddenly stop me from walking right in front of their door where I’m sure the make love of the two happened.

Nakasarado ito. Wala akong balak na buksan iyon kaya tahimik ko lang na pinagmasdan ang malapad na pintuan.

“What are you looking at?” Halos mapatalon ako sa malaking boses na iyon mula sa aking likuran.

Hindi ko naman siya nilingon dahil alam kong siya iyon. “Wala naman,” ani ko at umalis na sa tapat ng pintuan na iyon para tumungo na ng aking silid. Naramdaman ko namang sundan niya ako sa aking likuran.

“It’s not your room so what are you looking at there?” Tanong pa niyang muli, kuryoso habang patuloy pa rin akong sinusundan papasok ng kwarto ko.

“Wala nga, I just thought it was my room. That’s it.” Pagdadahilan ko.

I entered inside my room at natigilan ako nang akmang papasok din siya sa loob. “Sandali, don’t come inside my room.” Pigil ko na nagpahinto naman sa kaniya sa pagpasok kasunod ko.

Nanatili lang siyang nakatayo sa hamba ng pintuan nang pigilan ko siya sa pagpasok gamit ang aking kamay na pumipigil sa kaniyang matigas na dibdib. Napatingin naman siya sa kamay kong nakahawak ro’n. Then his eyes slowly crawled on my hands up to my eyes who’s staring at him in divulged.

Agad ko namang inalis ang pagkakalapat ng kamay ko sa kaniyang dibdib na para bang napaso ako sa naging paglapat ng palad ko roon. I then cleared my throat and looked down on the floor so he won’t see my eyes twitching.

“M-Magpapahinga na ako.” Nauutal kong paunang dahilan sa kaniya.

Mukha namang nanunuri ang mga mata niyang tinitingnan ako ngayon. “Alright, but let me enter your room just for a bit–”

“Hindi na. Go on inside your room. I wanted to rest.” I shut him off dahil hindi ko na gusto pang pumasok siyang muli sa aking silid.

Because the last time he entered my room, I didn’t like how my heart and stomach react to him. There was like a demon feeling inside me that wanted to be freed. And I can feel that it wasn’t a good feeling.

“You should rest too, alam kong pagod ka rin sa byahe dahil ikaw ang nagmaneho.”

Sinuri pa muna ako ng kaniyang mga mata bago siya tumugon. “Fine, I’ll go back to my room now.” Mahina ngunit malaki ang boses nitong ani.

Tumango tango naman ako at hinawakan na ang seradura ng pintuan para isarado ito. Umatras naman siya ng bahagya palabas.

“Have a good sleep,” I muttered thriftily.

“Good night,” he replied raucously.

Gustuhin ko mang isarado na ng tuluyan ang pintuan ng aking silid ay hindi ko magawa dahil nananatili pa rin siyang nakatayo sa tapat ng pintuan ko at seryoso lang na nakatitig sa akin. Naiilang naman akong hindi siya matitigan ng matagal kaya umiiwas ako ng tingin paminsan minsan.

“Uhmm, sigi na,” ani ko dahil mukhang wala pa rin siyang balak na umalis sa tapat ng kwarto ko.

“Shut your door, saka ako aalis.” Namamaos ang boses niyang ani.

Napakagat labi naman ako ro’n. Kaya naman saglit ko pa siyang tinitigan bago ko isara ang pintuan, but then before I finally closed the door, I heard him mutter.

“I’ll teach you something exciting tomorrow morning. So sleep tight…son of a bitch.” He hoarsely said that with his lips twitched as his sensual glares hit my sight before I closed the door.

The last three words were sounded differently from his usual smug bragging tone back then when he said it this time. It sounded so soft in my ear and the alluring tone of his hoarse voice didn’t escape my hearing.

‘Son of a bitch’. It was said bluntly and arrogant before, but this time, it was said with a rhythm of euphonious.

Kabanata 25

Kabanata 25

Irish

Maaga akong nagising kinabukasan. Pababa pa lamang ako ng hagdan ay natanawan ko na agad sila Nics na mukhang tutungo palabas ng mansion kasama si Pierce. Napalingon ang mga ito sa aking gawi nang mapansin ang aking presensya pababa ng hagdanan.

“You’re awake Kuya. I was about to knock on your door to wake you up mabuti naman at maaga kang nagising ngayon.” Umagang bungad ni Nics sa akin, malapit na ako sa paanan ng hagdan kung nasaan sila.

Sinuri ko pa ang kanilang suot na mukhang kanina pa sila gising at nakapaghanda na para sa agahan. But still, I opt to ask them when I notice something weird with their smiles. My forehead creased at that as I get neared them downstairs.

Binalingan ko si Pierce ng nagtataka kong mga tingin. “Anong meron?” Nagtataka kong tanong dahil ang dalawa ay may parehong nakakalokong mga ngiting nakaguhit sa kanilang mga labi.

Nagkatinginan pa muna sila bago ako sinagot ni Pierce. “Nothing, let’s go. Nagpahanda si Lola ng breakfast sa gazebo. Kanina pa niya tayo hinihintay do’n.” Simpleng aniya sa akin na parang wala naman akong dapat na ikataka.

Ngunit nang mapalingon ako sa bulwagan ng mansion at matanaw sa labas nito si Rhadmus na sakay ng kabayo ay mas napakunot ako ng noo.

“He’s here,” dinig kong sabi ni Pierce sa aking tabi.

Hindi naman naalis ang paningin ko kay Rhadmus na bumaba ng kaniyang kabayo. Ibinigay nito ang tali sa isang lalaki at saka umakyat ng hagdan paakyat ng bulwagan. Malayo man siya ay para bang ang lapit ng kaniyang presensya sa aking mga mata.

“Tara na, he is probably here to call us,” Nics uttered.

Naglakad sila ni Pierce palabas ng bulwagan at mabagal naman akong sumunod sa kanilang likuran. Dahil palabas kami ng bulwagan ay makakasalubong namin si Rhad na papasok naman ng mansion. At nang pasalubong na kami sa isa’t isa ay natigilan kami sa paglalakad.

“Bakit ka pala bumalik Kuya Rhad?” Bungad ni Nics rito na mukhang nagtataka.

“May gagawin lang ako sa kwarto. Magtungo na kayo Nics at Pierce sa gazebo. Kanina pa kayo hinihintay ni Lola ron. Susunod nalang ako at saka si Neil,” sagot nito na bahagya ko pang kinagulat nang hanapin pa ng kaniyang mga mata ang aking gawi sa likuran ng dalawa.

“Alright, gamitin namin yung kabayo mo patungo ron.” Paalam na sabi ni Pierce.

Nakita ko namang tanguan lang ni Rhad ito bilang pagsang-ayon. Lumabas ang dalawa at naguguluhan man ako kung susunod ba ako kila Nics palabas para sumabay na sa kanila patungong gazebo o manatili rito at hintayin si Rhad. Nakasunod ang mga mata ko kila Pierce na sumakay na ng kabayo. I was about to take a step to go outside as well nang biglang magsalita si Rhad na nagpatigil sa akin.

“Wait for me, magpapalit lang muna ako ng damit sa itaas saka tayo aalis. Sa’kin ka sasakay.” Mabilis nitong ani na hindi na hinintay pa ang sasabihin ko.

Sinundan ko naman siya ng tingin nang mabilis niya akong iniwan paakyat ng hagdan. Napansin kong pawisan nga siya kaya siguro siya magpapalit ng damit. Bumuntong-hininga pa ako habang naghihintay sa kaniya sa salas. Ilang minuto na ang nakakalipas at hindi pa rin siya nakakababa.

I was sitting on the sofa waiting for him. Tumayo ako at sinilip siyang muli sa hagdan kung pababa na ba siya pero wala pa rin. At nang mag-iwas ako ng tingin para bimalik at maupo muli sa sofa ay nahagip naman ng aking paningin sa labas ng bulwagan ang isang kulay puting kabayo na hawak hawak ng lalaking rantsero. Natuon don ang paningin at atensyon ko kaya naman lumabas ako ng bulwagan para tanawin iyon sa ibaba ng hagdan. Ang kabayo ay animong naghihintay sa amin roon nang pagmasdan ko ito.

Hawak ng rantsero ang tali nito na nakaabang sa akin sa ibaba. Hindi ko maiwasang mamangha dahil karamihan sa mga kabayong mayroon kami rito sa mansion ay kulay itim at kayumanggi. Kaya naman nakakapanibago para sa akin ang makakita ng kulay puting kabayo rito sa mansion. Mataas at mukhang alagang alaga ang puting kabayong na ito. Ngayon ko lang ’yan nakita kaya baka maaaring hindi lamang siya inilalabas sa kwadra o bago lamang ito.

I pouted my lips when I realize who owns this horse. At bakit ito nasa bukana ng mansion at para bang naghihintay? Nakukuryoso ako kaya naman ay bumaba ako ng hagdan at nilapitan ang rantsero na lalaki na halos kasing tangkad lang din ni Rhadmus.

“Kaninong kabayo ito? Ngayon ko lang ’to nakita sa mansion.” I said at the man who was caressing the face of the horse.

Nakatalikod sa akin ang lalaki kaya naman nang marinig nito ang boses ko ay agad ako nitong hinarap. “Kayo pala sir Neil. Pinag-utusan lang ako ni sir Rhad na dalhin ito rito. Gagamitin niya ata.” The guy said with his weird deep voice.

Saglit ko pang tinitigan ang hitsura ng lalaki bago ako nakasagot para balingan ang kabayo. “Neil. Just call me that. Rantsero ka dito?” Tanong ko nang mapansin sa kaniyang hitsura na mukha siyang hindi rantsero.

Tipid naman siyang napangiti sa akin. “Yes Sir Neil. Rantsero ako rito malapit sa mansion ninyo.” He said with enthusiasm.

But my forehead creased at that. He doesn’t look like a rancher for me. His clothes might look like his gardener but his looks were not. He has features that make him look different.

“Gusto mo bang hawakan ang kabayo?” Mayamaya ay tanong nito sa akin.

Halos kasing tangkad niya si Rhadmus kaya mas matangkad pa siya sa akin. Kaya nang lapitan niya ako para palakarin ang kabayo sa aking gawi ay mas nadepina sa aking paningin ang kakaibang hitsura nito. He looks like a foreigner or something. Pero Tagalog naman siyang magsalita. But the features of half-blooded Filipino are still visible.

May lahi rin naman kaming mga Gutierrez and I can say na halata ito base sa aming pisikal na kaanyuan. And just like this man in front of me, he’s the same.

“Ako na ang maghahawak sa kaniyang tali. Gusto mo ba siyang hawakan?” Tanong niya muli nang makalapit na sa aking harapan ang kabayo.

Napatingin naman ako ron sa puting kabayo na kaniyang hinahaplos sa pisngi. I’m still not fond of animals but looking at this white horse in front of me makes me want it to hold him. Naramdaman ko namang nakatingin sa akin ang lalaki habang pinagmamasdan kong maigi ang napakagandang kabayo.

“Come on, hawakan mo siya. Hindi naman ’yan nangangagat. Maamo ’yan basta huwag mo lang iparamdam na natatakot ka sa kaniya.”

“I’m not scared of horses,”

“Yon naman pala. Kung ganon hawakan mo–”

“I told you to wait for me inside. Not in here.” Agad na napalingon ako kay Rhadmus na mukhang kakaligo lang.

Pinasadahan ko pa ang suot nitong damit na bumagay sa kaniya. He really looks manly with everything he wears.

“Sir Rhad,” dinig kong bati ng lalaki sa aking tabi na bahagya pang yumuko.

Tiningnan pa ito ni Rhad ng seryoso niyang mga mata bago bumalik sa akin ang tuon ng kaniyang tingin.

“Nakita ko kasi ’tong puting kabayo kaya lumabas muna ako, ang tagal mo rin kasi. Are you done? Can we go now?” Sunod-sunod kong tanong sa kaniya dahil mukhang mainit na naman ang ulo niya kahit pa mukhang kakatapos lang niyang mag-shower.

“Yes we gotta go now,” aniya at nilapitan ang lalaki sa aking tabi.

They had the same body built and their height was not that far from each other. At mas nakumpara ko ’yon nang lumapit si Rhad sa kaniya para kuhanin ang lubid ng kabayo.

“Kanina pa ba ito rito?”

“Oo sir Rhad, sakto lang sa oras na sinabi niyong dating ng kabayo.”

Gustuhin ko mang hindi makinig sa pinag-uusapan nilang dalawa ay hindi ko rin magawa dahil malapit lang sila sa aking tabi.

“Sige, thanks for this Zavar. We have to go,”

“Mauna na rin ako sir Rhad, walang anuman.” Paalam ng lalaki sa kaniya at sunod naman akong binalingan nito.

“Sir Neil, maiwan ko na kayo.” He said in farewell to me with his manly smile sculpted in his tiny lips.

Tipid ko naman siyang nginitian pabalik bago niya kami tuluyang talikuran at maglakad na paalis. Si Rhad naman ay agad na hinimas ang kabayo at sumakay rito pagkaraan. Napatingala ako sa kaniya at bahagyang napaatras nang ang kabayo ay humalinghing.

“Sumakay ka na,”

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi niya. “Diyan tayo sasakay?” Part of me was surprised na sasakay ako ng kabayo, and a half of me was scared dahil baka mahulog lang ako pag sumakay ako riyan.

Especially that Rhadmus is the one who will take over the horse, remembering the last time he saves me nakasakay din kami sa kaniyang kabayo no’n at muntikan na niya akong mahulog sa kabayo!

“Yes–”

“Hindi na, ayoko. Maglalakad na lang ako.”

“Neil, kanina pa sa atin naghihintay sila Lola sa gazebo. Don’t make them wait for too long, sumakay ka na.”

Napakunot pa ako ng noo sa sinabi niya. I wanted to ride that horse but just by looking at Rhadmus, nawawalan ako ng tiwala dahil baka mahulog lang ako sa bilis niyang magpatakbo.

“Huwag kang mag-alala, hindi naman mailap ang kabayong ito. Hindi ko rin siya patatakbuhin ng mabilis if that’s what you scared of. Kaya halika ka na, sumakay ka na.” Aniya sa mahinahong paraan na ngayon, para bang nabasa niya ang laman ng aking isipan.

Then I licked my lips and pouted my mouth for a bit. Tiningnan ko si Rhadmus na nakatingin din sa akin ng may nangungusap na mga mata, assuring me that I will be fine.

“Halika na, akong bahala sa’yo.” Malamyos ang boses niyang sabi sa akin na inilahad pa ang kaniyang kamay para kuhanin at hawakan ko pasakay ng kabayo.

Napatingin ako ron at saglit na napakurap. “Fine,” I said in nervousness.

Nakita ko namang pigil na napangiti si Rhad sa naging sagot ko. He was smirking at me at first which became an immaculately handsome smile later on.

Agad ko namang ipinatong ang kaliwa kong kamay sa nakalahad niyang palad para sa akin. Nananatili siyang nakasakay sa kabayo habang inaalalayan ko nito sa pagsakay.

“Sa likuran na ako uupo,” ani ko habang nakahawak sa kamay niya ng mahigpit. Takot na mahulog.

Nakita ko naman siyang nakatingin sa kamay naming dalawa na magkahawak habang tumutungtong ako para sumakay sa likuran niya.

But when his other hand snaked on my waist napaangat ako sa kaniya ng tingin. “Sa harapan ko na ikaw maupo. There’s a chance that you might fall if you sit in my back. Mabuti ng sa harapan ko na ikaw…para may aalalay sa’yo kung sakaling mahulog ka.”

Parang tambol naman ang puso kong kumabig nang sabihin niya iyon. I know he only means it in literal meaning. But my mind is giving it a different definition that my heart wanted to foster. No, stop thinking like he’ll catch you if ever you’ll fall for him.

I shook my head and just look on the saddle. Nag-iwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin dahil nag-iiba ang timpla ng pakiramdam ko sa kaniyang mga tingin. Hindi na ako umangal pa na sa harapan niya ako sumakay dahil tama naman siya. Kung sa likuran niya ako uupo ay baka mahulog nga lang ako lalo na at hindi naman ako sanay na sumakay ng kabayo.

“Relax and don’t move. Don’t be scared cuz I’m here to catch you if you fall.” Mayamaya ay bulong niya sa aking tainga nang makaupo ako sa kaniyang harapan.

Ramdam ko ang pagkakadikit ng kaniyang katawan sa aking likuran. Pakiramdam ko ay hinahapo rin ako nang halos pabulong kong narinig iyong sinabi niya. Malalim akong napalunok ’ron at nagtiim bagang na lamang.

Pinaandar niya ang kabayo patungong gazebo. Sakto lamang ang bilis ng patakbo niya pero parang ang bilis bilis ng andar para sa akin dahil sa bilis ng pintig ng puso ko. Hindi dahil sa natatakot akong baka mahulog ako sa kabayo kun’di dahil sa dalawang braso niyang parang nakayakap na sa aking magkabilang baywang.

His hands were like hugging my waist as he clutch the rope of the horse. His veins were showing off his skin as it gripped the rope tightly. Nararamdaman ko rin ang dibdib niyang tumatama sa aking likuran habang tumatakbo ang kabayo.

Nanigas lang ako sa kinauupuan ko at hindi gumagalaw. Habang si Rhadmus naman at ang kaniyang dalawang kamay ay nadidikit sa aking magkabilang hita dahil sa paghawak nito ng lubid. Masasabi kong hindi ako kumportable sa ganitong posisyon. Especially that every time our skin collided, I felt like I was being electrified.

Mabilis naming narating ang gazebo. Pagkarating namin ay nakapagsimula na sila Lola sa pagkain. Nahihiya man na nahuli kami ng dating ay humingi na lamang kaming dalawa ni Rhadmus ng paumanhin. We took so long in the mansion at hindi naman pwedeng paghintayin ang pagkain lalo na at nakahain na ito kanina pa kaya hindi na rin nila kami nahintay.

Naunang bumaba sa kabayo si Rhad bago ako. At inalalayan ako nito sa pagbaba pagkatapos. He held my hand and I feel how the fireflies inside my stomach glitters by his touch when our hand held. Inayos ko naman ang sarili at pinilit na hindi magpaapekto. Tinungo namin ang gazebo at nag breakfast na rin kasama sila Lola.

Hindi ko alam pero sa buong oras na nag-aagahan kami ay hindi ko maiwasang hindi matuwa. Rhadmus was so very accomodating. Dahil halos patapos na nga sila Pierce mag agahan ay kaming dalawa na lamang ang kumakain. Naiilang man ay wala akong nagawa nang lagyan pa ako ni Rhadmus ng pagkain sa aking pinggan.

Si Nics at Pierce ay bumalik na ng mansion. Habang si Lola at Tita Aurelia naman ay tinungo ang mga magagandang bulaklak sa tabi lang din ng gazebo. Kaya kami lang ni Rhad ang nasa hapag ngayon na kumakain. Maraming nakahain na pagkain sa amin kahit pa nahuli na kami ng dating.

But what my attention focused on is on Rhadmus gestures. Nilagyan niya ng pagkain ang aking pinggan na hindi ko inaasahan.

“Ako na ang maglalagay,” sabi ko matapos niyang lagyan ng toast bread ang plato ko.

“Let me,” aniya na hindi pinansin ang sinabi ko.

Kinuha niya ang pinggan na may lamang sunnyside up, bacon at hotdogs at saka nilagyan ang aking pinggan ng walang pag-aalinlangan. Napaawang naman ang bibig ko sa ginagawa niya. He was so serious while serving me, that I can’t seem to stop him.

“Ayos na ’yan–”

“You have to eat a lot. Here, I will make you a vegetable salad. Finish your meal now.”

“Huh?” Nagtataka kong tanong sa kaniya nang magtungo siya sa kabilang lamesa para kumuha ng mga gulay para gawan ako ng vegetable salad.

Sinundan ko siya ng tingin at para bang hindi ko maintindihan ang mga pinaggagagawa niya ngayon. Ayaw kong mag-assume na tinatrato niya ako ng kakaiba dahil gaya ng napag-usapan namin ay mag-uumpisa kaming muli bilang mag-pinsan at walang halong nararamdaman.

“Basta, just eat. Dahil may gagawin tayo pagkatapos nito.” Sabi niya habang kumukuha ng sliced tomato sa bowl.

Sinulyapan pa ako nito at nakakaloko akong nginisihan pagkaraan. Pinangunutan ko naman siya ng noo at inilingan nalang siya kalaunan.

“Eh ikaw? Hindi mo ba ako sasabayan sa pagkain? Kumain ka na rin. Join me,”

Pinanood ko namang paghaluin niya ang vegetable salad na ginawa niya para sa akin. “Okay, give me a minute patapos na ’to.” Nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin.

Nangingiti naman akong panoorin siya sa paghalo ng salad. Mabilis lang iyon kaya naman bumalik din siya agad sa upuan niya sa aking harapan at inilagay sa gilid ng plato ko ang ginawa niya.

I don’t want to think that we’re on a date even our setup was like it. He even made me a salad! And serve me my food on the plate! Damn, this man is making things hard for me.

“Let’s eat,” aniya sa akin nang makaupo siya sa harapan ko.

He was smiling at me. Malalim akong napalunok dahil don. “You’re smiling.” Ani ko nang hindi ko mapigilan.

Not that his smile was strange for me. It’s just that it’s been a while since I saw him smiling at me. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang magalak sa magandang ngiti na ginuguhit ng manipis at mapula niyang mga labi.

He then smirk at me this time. Seductively. “Why? Are you falling in love?”

I swallowed hard when he asked me that. Parang huminto sa pagtibok ng ilang segundo ang puso ko bago nakarecover sa sinabi niya. “H-Huh?”

Mas lumawak naman ang nakakaloko nitong ngisi. “I said because I’m in love. That’s the reason why I’m smiling.”

Napakurap ako. “Ahh,” I hesitantly said as I inhale deeply and looked down at my plate.

Naramdaman ko namang hindi niya inaalis ang kaniyang paningin sa akin kaya naman nag-umpisa na lamang ako sa pagkain para hindi mailang at hindi ko na lamang rin pinansin pa ang sinabi niya. Kalaunan ay sinabayan na rin niya akong kumain.

“Tuturuan kita kung paano mangabayo mamaya.” Biglang niyang sabi sa gitna ng pagkain namin.

Nag-angat naman ako sa kaniya ng tingin. He wasn’t looking at me nang tingnan ko siya dahil nasa kaniyang pinggan ang kaniyang tuon.

“Ahh, e’ wag na. Hindi ko rin naman hilig ang pangangabayo. And also I’m sure you have your schedule to do for this day.”

He was scraping the food on his plate when he glimpses at me. “Nah, I don’t have. I reserved my whole three-week vacation with you. So stop resisting me, you’re just making an excuse to get away from me.”

Napatikhim naman ako nang seryoso niyang sabihin iyon. “I’m not resisting you okay. I’m just…just,” I bit my lip nang hindi ko mahanap ang tamang sasabihin ko.

Nag-angat na siya sa akin ng tingin ngayon dahil tapos na siya sa pagkain. Habang ako naman ay nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya.

“You what?” He then asked curiously.

Naglikot pa ang mga mata ko sa lamesa bago siya sinagot. “Nothing, basta I’m not resisting you. I only think that we both have different stuff to do this summer.” Pagdadahilan ko kahit na hindi naman iyon ang tunay kong dahilan.

“You are resisting me and stop denying it Neil. Admit it, what is it that bothering you to repel me?” He then bluntly asked na hindi ko inasahan.

I lift my glares at him this time. He was staring at me with his normal serious glares. He wasn’t smiling. And his eyes were bizarre as they glint in my vision. Hindi ko alam kung maninibago ba ako sa paraan ng pagtrato niya sa akin ngayon o pagdudahan ang mga ginagawa at mga sinasabi niya sa akin.

Dahil kung dati ay napipigilan ko pa siya sa mga kakaibang ikinikilos niya para sa akin, ngayon ay malaya niya itong ginagawa in a sense na parang normal lang niya itong ginagawa. Ayaw ko itong bigyang kahulugan lalo na at alam kong wala naman na dapat pa akong pagdudahan sa nararamdaman niya para sa akin. Dahil para sa kaniya, matagal na niyang nakalimutan yung nararamdaman niya para sa akin.

But for me… my feelings for him were still in the gutter. Gustuhin ko mang putulin at tigilan na ay hindi ko magawa. Because it’s my heart who can’t just move on. It’s me who is still foolishly trapped in everything he was doing for me… especially now. And I’m frightened that this start he was pertaining for the both of us was the risk for me to fall for him merely.

Malalim akong napalunok bago siya sinagot. “Rhadmus, I’m not resisting you okay. It’s just that I’m getting confused– I mean I know that what we’re gonna do the whole summer was only for us to get to know each other deeply. For us to make a new start. But…”

I saw how his thick brows moved in confusion. “But?”

“But I think ayos naman na tayo kahit hindi na natin gawin yung mga bagay na’to. I believe that our conversation that night last week is enough as our fresh start–”

“Are you scared?” He then suddenly interfered.

I bit my lip. “Scared of what?” I asked him in confusion.

Itinukod naman niya ang kaniyang magkabilang siko sa ibabaw ng lamesa at masinsinan akong tiningnan sa mga mata. He was deadly serious right now. At hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng kaba at pangamba, because if his query was about my feelings… I’ll honestly admit that I’m scared. I’m not scared because of him, I’m frightened for myself. Because getting to know him better will make this feeling grow instantly. At iyon ang kinakatakot kong mangyari. Ang mas magustuhan siya lalo sa paraang ako na lamang ang magmamahal kahit na alam kong mali at taliwas sa prinsipyong pilit kong binubuo sa pagkatao ko.

“Are you scared that I might fall for you?” He then asked me which make me look surprised.

Kaya naman nag-iwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin. “Rhadmus–”

“Sinabi ko na sa’yo na hindi na ako nakakaramdam ng gano’n para sa’yo. I have Dorothy now, and keeping that incest feeling for you aren’t supposed to stay. If that’s what you are scared of, I assure you na hinding hindi ’yon mangyayari. I’m right here because I want you to recognize me from a different perspective, very different from what you encountered in me before. The desperate me is gone a long time ago, Neil. And I’m very sure of that because I intensely love Dorothy more than the feelings I had allotted for you.” He confided in casual.

I let a soft sigh before I lifted my weakened eyes on him. Then I slowly nod my head, “Yeah, that’s good to hear… M-Mabuti ng nagkakalinawan tayo.” Nauubusan ng sasabihin ko.

Ilang saglit pa kaming nagkatitigan. His eyes were gravelly staring at me and I now feel how sincere he was when he said that to me every word. Alright. I guess it’s time for me to finally get rid of the idea of him in my mind. It’s totally time for me to just let him show the things that he just naturally show off to me.

“So…you wanna go for a horse ride now?” Maagap nitong tanong sa akin. Halatang pinapagaan ang ere sa pagitan namin.

Tipid ko naman siyang nginisian. Trying to make it seems lightly to me. “Cool, I’m in, Rhad,” I answered him with a smug smirk plaster at the side of my lip.

Napangisi rin siya sa akin. “Good, dahil kung hindi baka ipamigay ko nalang sa iba si Irish.”

“Irish?” Taka kong tanong sa kaniya.

Mas lumawak naman ang ngising nakabalandra sa kaniyang labi. Mapaglaro pa muna ako nitong tinitigan at pagkaraan ay nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa akin at binalingan ng tingin ang puting kabayo na nakatali sa isang puno hindi kalayuan sa gazebo.

Laglag panga ko namang binalingan si Rhadmus matapos makuha ang tinutukoy niya. What the fuck.

“Damn, you really are a mother fucker Radmus. Seriously? A horse?” Hindi makapaniwala kong tanong sa kaniya habang ang ngisi sa aking mga labi ay hindi nawawala.

Nakita ko namang loko-loko siyang mapangiti at mayabang akong tiningnan. Like what he used to be before, hambog, tss.

“Uh-huh. You met Irish already. And he is yours from now on.” He smugly announced.

Natatawa ko naman siyang inirapan. “You are really such a dimwit motherfucker. Bakit second name ko pa ang ipinangalan mo sa kaniya?!”

Hindi naman na niya napigilan pang humalakhak. “Cuz why not? Since I’m giving it to you, bakit hindi nalang Irish ang gamitin kong pangalan para sa kaniya.” Pigil ang tawa niyang pagpapaliwanag sa akin.

Annoyed but at the same time delighted that I’m now having this normal conversation with him makes my heart flutter. “Mas magugustuhan ko pa sana kung Rhadmus ang ipinangalan mo sa kabayo–”

“Oh God, no way. Irish ang mas bagay sa kaniya. Can’t you see how gorgeous this white horse can be? I mean, both of us can’t deny it. Dahil unang kita mo pa lang kanina ay nilabas mo na siya agad para malapitan. Hindi ba?” Mapang-uyam pa niyang ani.

Sinamaan ko naman siya ng tingin. Well, he’s right. Unang kita ko pa lang sa puting kabayo na ito ay nakuha na agad niya ang atensyon ko kaya naman lumabas ako ng mansion para lang makita ito ng mas malapitan.

Huminto naman na sa pagtawa itong mokong na nasa harapan ko ngayon at nagseryoso pagkaraan. Sinulyapan pa niyang muli ang kabayong kumakain ng damo mula sa punong kinatatalian nito. Napatingin na rin ako ron nang ang tingin ni Rhad ay nagtagal sa kabayo.

“Irish, bagay na bagay sa kaniya ang pangalan niya. Just like you, he’s immaculately gorgeous. Attention grabber…very attractive kaya hindi ko maiwasang titigan. And what I like the most is he’s the bravest person I know.” napatingin ako sa kaniya nang maramdaman ko siyang lingunin ako at masinsinang tinitigan sa mga mata. I thought he was done. But the next phrases he added made my lips parted in awe and left me in astonishment.

“He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”

Kabanata 26

Kabanata 26

Summer

Ipinahanda na ni Rhad ang kabayong kaniyang gagamitin patungo sa barn house kung saan may field na pagtuturuan niya sa akin. Since his horse was used by Pierce, nang tapos na kaming kumain ay tinungo namin ang kabayong ibinigay niya sa akin na nasa lilim ng mataas puno.

Rhadmus statements a while ago affected me. But I keep myself detached from it. I know he’s only pertaining about the horse but I can’t help to think that it was me he’s particularly talking about.

Iwinaksi ko iyon sa aking isipan matapos ang aming malalim na titigan. Seryoso at namumungay man ang mga mata niyang sinabi iyon sa akin ay mas pinili kong mag-iwas na lamang ng tingin para takasan ang malakas na pagpintig ng puso ko.

“Had you touched her already?” Rhad then asked me nang nakatulala lang akong pinagmamasdan siyang haplusin ang pisngi ng kabayo.

Awtomatiko naman akong nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. I blink. “Oo… kanina.”

“She’s a good girl, yeah?” Nakangiti nitong tanong sa akin.

I tried to draw a smile on my lips as I answered him. “Yes, mukhang hindi naman niya ako ipapahamak,” I said out of nowhere habang nananatiling nakakandado ang tingin naming dalawa sa isa’t isa.

He won’t danger me, right? Dahil hindi ko ata kakayanin kung mapahamak ako sa mga ginagawa niya. I’m afraid that whatever he did to me will allow my heart to fall for him deeply.

Nakita kong mapalunok siya pero ang mga mata ay hindi iniwan ang aking mga tingin. His smiled lips then suddenly turned into a sweet smirk. “She won’t, I will guide you anyway.” He said it gently then walk, nearing me.

Napatingin naman ako sa distansya naming dalawa. Nasa kabilang gilid ako ng kabayo habang siya ay nasa harapan nito nang lapitan niya ako. He then hold my hand which made me tremble a bit.

Bahagya akong nagulat nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko pero hindi iyon bumakas sa aking ekspresyon nang mag-angat siya sa akin ng tingin. I remain my posture grimly as I gaze at him back.

“Pet her,” sabi niya at marahan akong iginiya sa harapan ng kabayo habang hawak-hawak pa rin ang kanan kong kamay.

Inilagay niya ang aking palad sa pisngi ng kabayo kalaunan. Hinayaan ko naman siyang bitawan ang kamay ko pagkaraan nang marahan kong haplusin ang pisngi ng kabayo. And as I petted the face of the white horse that seems so calm, I can feel beside me his glares on me. Naghuhuramentado naman ang puso ko hindi dahil sa takot sa kabayo kung hindi dahil sa mga titig niya sa akin.

Tumikhim ako at nilingon siya sa aking tabi pagkatapos ng ilang haplos ko sa kabayo. At hindi nga ako nagkamali na tinititigan niya ako dahil hindi man lang siya nag-iwas ng tingin nang lingunin ko siya.

Hindi naman ako nagpahalata na kinakabahan. I act like everything seems normal like what his expression to me. “Nahawakan ko na siya kanina. Maamo ang kabayo na ito. I just… didn’t expect that this was a she.” Sabi ko sa natural na paraan.

I should make my every move natural. I should act better and not together with the wildly beat of my heart. Dahil kung sasabayan ng ekspresiyon at ng mga kilos ko ang malakas na pagbugso ng aking puso ay ako lang din ang mapapahamak. So as long as I can mask my every response, I will.

“Nakita ko nga kanina. You were petting her. Irish is a good mare. She’s not just a beautiful horse but also a great one.”

Napabaling naman ako sa kabayong nasa aking harapan at marahang hinaplos itong muli. “Irish, bagay nga sa’yo ang pangalan mo.” mahina kong sambit habang inaamo ang maamong kabayo at saka nilingon siyang muli sa aking tabi. “Thank you for giving me her. Sa totoo lang pwede mo naman akong turuan na mangabayo nang hindi na binibigyan ng kabayo.”

Seryoso naman siyang umuling ng kaunti. “No, you deserve Irish. Since you don’t have one, I give you Irish. At saka… I bet you look good in white hoarse.”

Nag-iwas naman ako ng tingin sa kabayo at marahang binasa ang aking pang-ibabang labi. “Ah-huh, hindi mo pa nga ako nakikitang sumakay ng kabayo na mag-isa, you already assume that white horses will suit me better?” I muttered as I caressed the horse.

I felt him move beside me. “I don’t have to. Because just by simply glancing at you, I already knew what’s best for you. “

Saglit akong natigilan sa paghaplos sa kabayo nang sabihin niya iyon. Napakurap ako pero hindi pinahalata na may epekto ang sinabi niya sa akin. “Tss, you sure? Malay mo mas bagay pala sa akin ang itim na kabayo-”

“Stallion is my horse, he’s a black. Why? Are you fond of black horses?” He then suddenly snorted.

Hinarap ko naman siya ngayon. I smirk at him a little to shrug off the annoying feelings I’m feeling for him right now. I have to act cool and not that sweet Neil.

“No, of course not. Especially that I don’t even know how to ride one.”

Nginisian niya rin ako. Mayabang. “Then I’ll teach how to do it. That’s so simple.”

I rolled my eyes on him annoyingly. “Yabang talaga,” I mumbled.

Mas lumawak naman ang ngising nakaguhit sa kaniyang labi. “Ah-huh, dati pa naman. Ikaw lang naman ang nayayabangan sa’kin.”

Bahagya naman akong pinamilugan ng mga mata sa sinabi niya. This brute! “Totoo naman kasi, you’re a motherfucker arrogant man I know. As if you’re denying it.” Naiinis kong sabi.

Mas naging mapaglaro naman ang mga ngising nakabalandra sa kaniyang mga labi this time as he glared at me in playfulness. “Well, I’m not denying it in front of you. Dahil sa’yo lang naman ako ganito.”

My heart skip a beat at that. I blinked but his words didn’t make me back off. I didn’t let it affect me because I know that he is just annoying me. Yes, because he is like this to me before, an annoying brute.

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa nang sabihin niya iyon. Dahil natanaw ko sa hindi kalayuan ang itim niyang kabayo na patungo sa amin na siyang binalingan ko. And as it gets nearer to us, the face of a man slowly registers in my sight. Kaya nang tuluyan itong makalapit sa kinatatayuan namin ay nakita kong si Zavar pala iyong sakay ng itim na kabayo ni Rhad.

“Sir Rhad,” dinig kong aniya nang mabilis siyang makababa ng kabayo. Sunod naman na sa akin dumapo ang kaniyang malalalim na mga mata.

Hindi naman naalis ang tingin ko sa kaniya. “Sir– ay Neil pala,” he then plasters a boyish smile after.

Tipid ko naman siyang nginitian pabalik.

“Nakahanda na ba ang mga kakailanganin?” Rhad then asked him.

“Opo, maayos na ang lahat at kayo na lamang ang hinihintay.”

Naramdaman ko namang balingan ako ni Rhad kaya nilingon ko siya sa aking tabi. “Let’s go? Everything is settled.”

Tumango lang ako at umalis na rin kami kalaunan sa gazebo. Sumakay ako sa kabayo ni Rhad pabalik ng mansion at si Zavar naman ang sumakay kay Irish. When we got to the mansion I was immediately directed to my room to change my outfit.

Rhadmus gave me white skinny jeans or stretchy pants it is. I’m actually not sure what it was but he said that it’s breeches jodhpur pants and that is sported with the pair of black horse riding boots with a low heel that were almost up to my knees. It was also fitted on my leg that it suits my lower body perfectly. I wear a fitted black sporty polo shirt for my top and I wear sunscreen before I went out of my room.

Halos ipaligo ko ata sa mukha at braso ko ang sunscreen ko dahil mukhang magtatagal kami sa labas. Rhadmus did even advise me to put on a lot of sunscreens so I won’t get sunburn lalo na at sensitibo ang aking balat.

Tinungo namin ang pagtuturuan niya sa akin hindi kalayuan sa mansion. Hindi namin kasama si Nics at Pierce, sila Lola, Tita Aurelia at Tita Stella naman ay nanatili lang din sa mansion kahit pa gustong sumama ni Lola para raw panoorin niya akong matuto ay hindi rin siya pinayagan ni Tita Aurelia dahil mainit ang sikat ng araw.

“Here, wear your gloves, and this.” Pag-abot sa akin ni Rhad ng gloves, helmet at vest.

Hindi ko naman maiwasang magtagal ang mga tingin ko sa kaniya dahil para kaming mga prinsipe sa mga suot namin kahit pa mangangabayo lamang kami.

I wear the gloves and the vest he gave me. Nakita ko namang lapitan niya si Zavar at may iutos roon na agad siyang sinunod. We are here inside a very spacious yard. May ilang mga puno sa paligid at halos pananghalian na rin kaya ang araw ay masakit na ang tama sa balat. Hindi pa man kami nagsisimula ay naiinitan na ako.

“Have you worn your sunscreen?” He then asked when he approached me.

“Yeah,”

Saglit namang naglikot ang mga mata niya sa aking mukha na parang sinusuri ako. “You’re face is getting red. I know that your skin is sensitive, huwag nalang kaya natin ituloy.”

Napakurap naman ako at tinanaw si Zavar na palapit na sa amin na may dalang maliit na hagdan para pagtungtungan ko sa pagsakay ng kabayo.

“What? No, binigyan mo na ako ng kabayo tapos hindi mo na ako tuturuan? Namumula lang ang balat ko sa init but I’m alright, don’t worry too much.” Ani ko.

Ramdam ko namang nag-aalangan siya base sa seryoso niyang mga titig sa akin. But later on, he then glanced at Zavar who is preparing Irish and the stair for me to start.

“Ayos na ’to sir Rhad. Pwede na po kayong magsimula. Good luck po sir Neil,” Zavar informed us matapos niyang maihanda ang lahat.

Inalalayan naman ako ni Rhad sa pagsakay sa kabayo. He even held my hand as I ride on Irish.

“Careful, Neil.” He uttered in critical.

Mahigpit naman ang hawak ko sa kamay niyang nakaalalay sa akin sa takot kong mahulog ako. And when I successfully have my sit, hindi pa rin binibitawan ni Rhad ang kamay ko.

“Uh, sir Neil. Yung helmet niyo po nakalimutan niyong isuot.” Nalipat ang tingin ko kay Zavar nang iabot nito sa akin ang helmet.

“Salamat,” I simply said.

Binitiwan naman ni Rhad ang kamay ko dahil kinuha nito kay Zavar ang helmet para ibigay sa akin. Rhadmus was very critical as he instruct me on how to ride a horse. He’s also very attentive every time my horse neigh like he was more scared of me to fall. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mas kabahan dahil sa kaniya.

“Rhad, you’re making me nervous!” I exclaimed nang mabilis niya akong dinaluhan nang humalinghing ang kabayo.

Hinawakan niya ang kamay kong mahigpit na na nakahawak sa reins na para bang sasaluhin niya na ako dahil mahuhulog ako.

“Don’t be too nervous. Be comfortable with Irish. Dahil kung hindi ka kakalma baka magwala siya at ihulog ka niya, sige ka.”

Napalunok naman ako sa sinabi niya. Mas humigpit tuloy ang hawak ko sa lubid at sa… kamay niyang nakahawak pa rin pala sa akin.

“I’m trying to calm down, alright? So stop pressuring me.”

“I’m not pressuring you. No one is pressuring you here, ’ayt?” Aniya sa kalmadong tono dahil ramdam kong nagpapanic na ako.

Malaking kabayo si Irish. And even Rhadmus horse, Stallion is a very huge horse. Kaya naman ang sumakay sa kanila ay nakakakaba! Unlike if Rhadmus is behind me-

“Anong ginagawa mo-”

“I will teach you the basics. You have to calm down first, or else Irish will be gone wild. And I know that you don’t want it to happen, right?” He asked as his mouth almost smooched the back of my ear nang sumakay siya sa likuran ko.

The saddle was just enough for us two kaya nagkasiya kaming dalawa. Hindi ko inasahan ang pagsakay niya sa aking likuran. I thought he will just instruct me while he is watching me below. Ngunit hindi ko alam kung mas mabuti pang nasa ibaba na lamang siya habang tinuturuan ako dahil ang pakiramdam na nasa likuran ko siya ay mas lalong nagpabilis sa kalabog ng dibdib ko.

“Oh my freaking damn!” I almost shouted in so much nervousness when Irish burst a neigh and lift her feet!

Akala ko ay mahuhulog na kaming dalawa pero agad na kinabig ni Rhad ang lubid na mahigpit na hinahawakan ng dalawang kamay ko.

“Calm down please,” I heard Rhadmus’s soothing voice muttered behind my ears as I trembled in so much nervousness.

I even felt his hot breath that touches my neck and sent a bit of shiver on my spine. Para naman akong natigilan sa paghinga. I was breathing pantingly at what was just happen, muntikan na kaming mahulog na dalawa!

I have to calm down. I tried to calm myself down but when I felt Rhadmus’s hands hold my both hand that is tightly gripping the reins of my horse, my heart began to beat rapidly again. Damn.

“Relax Neil, your horse wasn’t relaxed if you are not relaxed. So calm down.” Mahina niyang sabi habang ang init ng kaniyang hininga ay patuloy na tumatama sa aking leeg.

Malalim akong napalunok. Hinaplos niya ang dalawa kong kamay na parehong mahigpit na nakahawak sa lubid. He caressed it gently with his index finger, his hold was tight but enough to ease my nervousness.

I slightly shut my eyes to breathe properly. “Inhale, exhale… Do it so you can relax for a bit.” Marahan niyang bulong sa aking tainga.

I swallowed more hardly this time. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko kahit pa naghuhuramentado na ang puso ko sa bawat dampi ng mainit na hininga ni Rhadmus sa aking leeg, at sa pagitan ng malamyos na paghaplos ng kaniyang hinalalaking daliri sa aking kamay.

“You’re doing great,” I heard him mutter again nang kumakalma na ako.

I breathe in deeply and then will release it later on. Nakalma ko naman ang sarili ko kahit pa hindi ako kumportable lalo na at nasa likuran ko siya at malamyos na nakahawak pa ang kaniyang mga kamay sa akin at marahang hinahaplos iyon. Nang makalma ko na ang aking sarili ay kinuha naman niya ang leather reins na hawak ko para ituro sa akin ang tamang paghawak no’n.

“Roll it once in your four fingers or if you don’t want that’s fine as long as you will hold the reins tightly and secure that you are in control of it.”

Ginawa ko naman ang sinabi niya. I hold it tightly like I’m holding some ice cream. Hinawakan niya pa ang dalawang kamay ko para mas ayusin ang paraan ko ng paghawak.

Nakatingin lang ako sa dalawang kamay niyang halos kanina pa hindi binibitawan ang dalawang kamay ko dahil maya’t maya siyang nakahawak sa akin. Though I am wearing gloves and he’s not, I still can feel how careful he was to me.

“Are you calm now?” Mayamaya ay mahina nitong bulong sa aking tainga muli.

“Yeah,” tipid kong sagot, namamaos.

Hindi pa rin naaalis ang mga mata ko sa mga kamay niyang nakapatong sa dalawa kong kamay na mahigpit na nakahawak sa tali. Nang maramdaman kong mas ilapit niya pa sa aking leeg ang kaniyang mukha dahilan para ang anumang sasabihin niya ay tumatama sa aking leeg.

“If you’re relaxed, then Irish is relaxed. Don’t you know that horses feel every emotion we feel? They know when you’re sad and they know when you are happy. Same as if you are nervous and afraid of her.”

“Really?” I asked hesitantly dahil ramdam kong nag-iiba ang pakiramdaman ko dahil sa pagtama ng kaniyang hininga sa aking leeg.

As if it was sending me unknown tingly feelings and make the butterflies inside my stomach lost in the wild.

“Ah-huh,” he uttered hoarsely. I swallowed hard.

But then when he suddenly cleared his throat and moved a bit away from me, pakiramdam ko ay mas nakahinga naman ako ng maluwag. Binitawan na rin niya ang kamay ko at sinabi na sa akin ang mga kailangan kong gawin.

“As you hold the reins tightly, your riding position must be ear, shoulder, hip, and heel alignment. You have to straight a bit since you are gonna make Irish walk. And squeeze the reins then she will gonna walk.”

I was doing everything he said as he guide me from behind. Hindi na niya hinahawakan pa ang kamay ko but I felt his body closely behind me.

“Just relax your legs, Neil. And follow the motion.” He muttered when he noticed my legs are getting a bit stagnant.

Tinuro niya muna sa akin ang tamang pagpapalakad sa kabayo at kung paano iyon papasunurin kapag gusto kong iliko ang daan na gusto kong puntahan. Bumaba na rin siya at hinayaan na akong magpatakbo kay Irish ng mag-isa habang siya ay nakaantabay lang sa akin sa ibaba. Gano’n din si Zavar na napapansin kong pabalik balik sa tuwing may iuutos sa kaniya si Rhad.

Agad ko namang nakuha ang tamang paraan kung paano palakarin ang kabayo. Maamo at hindi naman naging mailap si Irish sa akin nang maikalma ko ang aking sarili kanina.

“That’s it for today. Bukas na lang ulit natin ipagpatuloy.” Sabi ni Rhadmus sa akin matapos kong sakyan si Irish pagkaraan ng meryenda namin.

Halos maghapon din kasi akong nag-practice. Inabot kami ng pananghalian at nang mag meryenda ay tumigil muna kami dahil masyadong tirik ang araw. At nang bandang nag-alas kwatro y-media na ay ipinagpatuloy naming muli. And now that Rhadmus command to call it a day ay bumaba na ako sa kabayo ko at hinaplos ko ito.

“Thank you, Irish. You’re such a good girl.” Kausap ko sa kabayo ko habang hinahaplos ito sa pisngi.

Naramdaman ko namang lapitan ako ni Zavar para kuhain na si Irish at mailagay na sa kwadra para mapakain na ito at maipahinga na rin.

“Akin na po muna si Irish, bukas nalang po ulit sir Neil.”

Saglit ko pang hinagod muli ang kabayo ko bago ko ibinigay kay Zavar ang lubid nito. Naramdaman ko namang palapit na sa gawi namin si Rhad.

“I told you to just call me Neil. Remove the sir, please.” I remind him again when I notice him calling me ‘sir’ again.

Nakita ko namang mapangisi siya sa akin. Kanina pa rin siya nandito simula nang turuan ako ni Rhad ay hindi na siya umalis at nakatanaw lang sa aming dalawa sa malayo.

“Ay, oo nga pala, Neil. Pasensya na po,” he said in his deep large voice.

Hindi ko naman maiwasang panliitan siya ng tingin. Because he really doesn’t look like a rancher for me.

“Zavar, what is it?” Seryosong tingin ni Rhad kay Zavar ang una kong napuna nang makalapit ito sa amin.

Mas lumawak naman ang ngisi sa mga labi ni Zavar nang balingan nito si Rhadmus.

“Wala naman po, sir. Ito po kasing si sir Neil, gusto niyang tawagin ko siyang Neil nalang at wala ng sir.”

Napatingin naman ako kay Rhad para tingnan ang seryoso nitong ekspresyon. Naglipat pa ang mga mata nito sa akin ng tingin at bumalik muli kay Zavar.

“Uhm, I think there is no problem if he calls me by my name without the ‘sir’ on it,” I said like I was explaining to Rhadmus.

Lumipat muli sa akin ang seryoso niyang mga mata. But this time, his brows were a bit furrowed like he’s trying to understand me more. Napalunok naman ako at napatingin din kay Zavar.

Papalubog na ang araw at ang kalangitan ay nagkukulay kahel na at hinahaluan na rin ng dilim. Maging ang ekspresyon ni Rhad habang nakatingin sa akin ay nagdidilim na rin. I’m not sure if it’s because the sun is setting or he’s not in the mood this time.

“M-May problema ba Rhad-” he cut me off immediately.

“Zavar is our rancher here in the mansion. He’s been a friend of mine since I was a kid… And there’s no wrong with what you have said.” Malamig niyang sinabi at saka binalingan ng masamang tingin si Zavar na may pigil na ngisi sa kaniyang mga labi.

Napakunot naman ako ng noo ron. What’s with his playful smirk?

“Mauna na ako si Rhad… Neil.” Paalam niya sa amin bago siya umalis at dinala si Irish palayo.

Tahimik naman akong nag-angat ng tingin kay Rhad. He remain silent while his eyes were a bit annoyed as it stare at me. My forehead creases at that.

“Umuwi na tayo,” masungit niyang sabi sa akin at saka ako mabilis na tinalikuran patungo sa sasakyan niyang naghihintay sa amin.

Agad naman akong sumunod sa kaniya. Teka, is he annoyed? Kanina naman ay ayos pa siya at hindi siya mukhang iritado, but why does he look pissed right now? May nagawa ba akong mali?

“Lolo will be here tonight so we have to go home as soon as possible.” Aniyang muli sa akin nang makapasok ako sa sasakyan niya.

Nasabi na niya ito sa akin kanina and is he saying this because this is what annoyed him? Or… I did something to make him look irritated?

Dahil hanggang ngayon na nakaalis na kami sa rancho ay bakas pa rin sa nakakunot niyang noo at magkasalubong niyang kilay ang iritadong ekspresyon nito habang nakatingin sa daan. Dumidilim na rin ang paligid kaya bumilis din ang patakbo niya sa sasakyan.

Gusto ko man siyang tanungin kung pupunta rin ba sila Tito Leonard at Tita Stella sa dinner ay hindi na lamang ako nagtanong pa dahil baka mag-away pa kami kapag hindi niya ako masagot ng maayos. He’s such a dimwit motherfucker pa naman and I don’t want to mess with him tonight since he patiently taught me a while ago.

It was a tiring day for me. We had our dinner peacefully at hindi rin naman ako napansin o napuna ni Lolo kanina kaya masasabi kong naging maayos ang araw ko. Papa did even visit me inside my room nang gabing iyon para kumustahin dahil ngayon na lamang ulit kaming nagkita since he was busy with his work. It’s summer and he was asking me if I had plans to go somewhere else since it’s a vacation but I told him that Rhad has plans with us kaya hinayaan na niya ako.

Dahil nasabi niya rin sa akin na gustong magtungo ni Nics at Tita Stella sa Boracay even at least for a week or two. But I was hesitant to come over because of Rhadmus’s plans for us before his wedding.

“Gusto mo bang sumama? Your Lola and Lolo will be there as well as your Tita Stella. At si Pierce ay baka sumunod na lang din pagkaraan.” Papa said when he said to me that they will have a staycation in Boracay.

“Hindi ko pa sigurado kung makakasama ako Papa.” I shortly answered him because I’m a bit hesitant if I should come or not.

Tiningnan naman ako ni Papa sa mga mata. “Ayos lang naman sa akin kung hindi mo gustong sumama. But how about your Lola? You should tell her about this, you know her. She always wants you beside her,” Papa told me and smiled a bit after he said the last phrase.

That night I was thinking if I should just come with them. Especially that Enzo wouldn’t be with us this summer. Pero nakatulugan ko ang pag-iisip dahil sa sobramg pagod ko sa buong maghapon.

The moment I wake up the next morning ay naghanda na ako agad. Napag-usapan kasi namin ni Rhadmus na ngayong umaga nalang niya ako tuturuang mangangabayong muli para hindi na sobrang mainit. At para sa hapon ay makapagpahinga naman kami.

Nang matapos akong makapagbihis at nakababa na ng hagdan ay tumungo na ako ng dining room para makapag-agahan. At sakto namang pagpasok ko ay naroon si Lola na hindi ko inasahan. It’s early in the morning and I assume that I’ll be the one who will prepare my breakfast. Kaya naman nagulat ako na makita si Lola na maagang nagising at naghanda ng pagkain sa hapag.

Kasama niya ang ilang mga kasambahay na tumutulong sa kaniya sa paghahain. Hindi niya ako napansin dahil nakatalikod siya sa aking gawi. Kaya naman nang lapitan ko siya at yakapin mula sa likuran, I kissed her cheek and greet her my morning.

“Good morning, La.” I said after I gave her a kiss on her cheek.

Naramdaman ko namang magulat siya sa ginawa kong pagyakap. “Neil! Jusko ko kang bata ka, you will give me a heart attack! You surprised me!” Nagugulat at nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin na hinawakan ang dalawang braso kong nakayakap sa kaniyang tiyan.

“I’m sorry po. By the way bakit ang aga niyo naman po atang nagising? Aren’t you still sleepy?”

Marahan naman niyang inalis ang pagkakayakap ko sa kaniya at hinarap ako ng mas maayos.

“Gumising talaga ako ng maaga para ipaghanda kayo ng pagkain. Rhadmus told me na ngayong umaga kayo magtutungo sa rancho para do’n ka niya tuturuang mangabayo ulit. Take your seat and have your breakfast. Maaga rin nagising ang isang iyon kaya kumain ka na riyan dahil ipinahanda na niya ang mga kabayo ninyo.”

Marahan ko naman kinalas ang mga kamay ko mula sa pagkakayakap sa kaniya at naupo na sa upuan ko sa hapag. Mabuti na rin siguro na nagkasabay kami ni Lola na kumain ng agahan ngayon.

Hindi ko alam na mas maagang magigising sa akin si Rhad. Our call time was seven AM in the morning and it was only 6:20 when I got here in the dining room.

Inumpisahan ko na ang pagkain ko. Lola was eating with me too nang may maalala akong sinabi ni Papa sa akin kagabi. I’m still undecided yet but I have to ask permission from Lola first that I might not join them on their trip.

“Nagkausap kami ni Papa kagabi, La. You were going to Boracay?” I started.

“Oo, tayong lahat pamilya. Why? Is there a problem? Ayaw mo ba sa Boracay? We can go abroad if you want, I will understand dahil balita ko kay Ned na nakailang punta ka na ro’n.”

“Ah, hindi po Lola. Baka… hindi lang po kasi ako makasama sa family outing natin–”

“What?! Why? You should come with us!” Nagugulat na sabi ni Lola sa akin matapos kong sabihin iyon. She even put down her fork on her plate in so much surprise.

I swallowed hard. How would I say this? Hindi ako makakasama kasi may plano si Rhad sa amin ngayong summer? But I’m not even sure about Rhadmus’ plans for us this summer, since he said that we only have three weeks to spend together and it’s our first week.

At kung hindi naman ako sasama kila Lola ay baka dito lang din ako sa mansion.

“We will be gone for two weeks, Neil. Aside from having a vacation in Boracay, we will also be going to check our rest house there on our island. You really sure you don’t want to come?” Lola informed me with a glint of sadness from her eyes.

Ako naman ang nagulat ngayon sa sinabi niya. Two weeks?! At ano namang gagawin ko sa mansion sa two weeks na mawawala sila pag nagtungo na sila ng Boracay? Ayoko namang mangabayo buong summer, it will be boring for me.

“Sumama ka na sa amin. Your Lolo will be with us. Your Tita Stella and Tito Leonard will follow up too.”

Mahina akong napabuntonghininga. I want to go with them but–

“If you are not coming with us, kayong dalawa lang ni Rhadmus ang maiiwan dito sa mansion. He said that he have other plans this week. But since we will be gone for two consecutive weeks, I’m worried that my two greek gods’ beautiful grandson have nothing to do here, baka ma-bored lang kayo.” Lola said worriedly.

Ngunit nang makarinig ako ng mga yabag patungo sa amin mula sa entrada ng dining room ay napalingon ako ron. Nakita ko si Rhadmus na mukhang kanina pa pala nakikinig sa amin ni Lola na patungo na sa aking gawi ngayon. He first glances at Lola’s way. And when he finally get neared me, his indulgent eyes locked on mine.

“Neil and I had planned this week. I scheduled it before Lola because I want to have my time with my best man. Kaya huwag po kayong mag-alala sa aming dalawa kung maiiwan kami. I will make sure he won’t get bored.” He said it while his eyes did not leave mine.

I didn’t blink either. Nanatili rin akong seryoso ngunit nagtatakang nakatitig sa kaniya pabalik. Naramdaman ko namang balingan ako ni Lola.

“You sure? How about you Neil? You know how much I wanted to always spend my time with you, apo ko. Hindi ka na ba talaga sasama at maiiwan ka nalang kasama si Rhadmus dito sa mansion? If you won’t, I have nothing to demand. Uuwian ko nalang kayong dalawa ng maraming pasalubong.” Lola then said.

Para namang natali ang dila ko dahil hindi ako makapagsalita. My mind was also tangled with the thought that I will be with Rhadmus for two weeks… only us? Alone. Damn, I don’t think it will be an outstanding idea.

“S-Sasama nalang ako ’La sa inyo.” Mabilis kong sinabi at nag-iwas ng tingin kay Rhadmus para balingan si Lola sa kabisera.

I know that whatever we are doing has no reason for me to doubt him. But what I’m taking care of here is myself. And I know deeper inside me that being with him alone won’t make good things for me.

Naramdaman ko namang hawakan ni Rhad ang kanang balikat ko. I looked up at him as he stood beside my chair. Nakita ko kung paano mangunot ang kaniyang noo na para bang nalilito siya.

“Sasama ka? Tito Ned told me last night that you will not. Naipagpaalam na rin kita kay Lola kagabi, honestly speaking.” Rhad stated with his eyes reluctantly.

“Yes, I’m just testing you if you really want to go with us, Neil. Ayos naman na sa akin kung hindi ka sasama. I also suppose that this vacation can be a great time for the both of you to get to know each other more, right? Especially Rhad will get married by the end of this month, I want you two to have bonded together.” Lola inserted which I did not expect she knew that I will not come.

Nag-iwas naman ako ng tingin mula kay Rhad paungo sa aking pinggan. Sasama ba ako o hindi nalang? Pabor naman si Lola, pero…

“But if you want to join them in Boracay you can go, Neil… I can stay here alone in the mansion,” natunugan ko ang lungkot sa boses ni Rhad nang sabihin niya iyon. Animong nababasa niya ang takbo ng aking isipan.

Kaya naman malalim akong napalunok at nag-isip. Lola understands us naman, even Papa was fine with my decision to stay here in the mansion while they are gone for vacation.

I have a promise to Rhadmus that I have to fulfill. Running away from it won’t make any difference with my feelings for him. Kung aalis lang ako para ilayo ang sarili sa kapahamakang baka mas magustuhan ko siya, I don’t think it’s the safest choice.

Maybe it’s time for me to face it and finally change and decide to end this by getting to know him more and letting our bond as a cousin to build the good foundation I wanted for our family.

“You can come with them–” I cut him off in abrupt.

“Dito nalang po ako kasama si Rhad sa mansion. May uspan din po kasi kaming dalawa.”

Right after I said that Rhadmus eyes locked on mine in surprise but immediately turn into a maze. Then his tiny grim lips slowly formed for a tiny smirk.

“You won’t get bored… I promise. This will be going to be our best summer together… I assure you that.” He muttered huskily, only enough for me to hear it.

Kabanata 27

Kabanata 27

Woman

That morning I hardly tried to not think of what will going to happen once we are alone in the house. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos naming kumain ng agahan ay halos hindi ko balingan ng tingin si Rhadmus. He frequently glances at me but I’m busy contemplating what are the possible things that may happen when our family is away from us.

I’m aware of his situation and that his not already into me but this situation alone with him is something huge for me to handle.

“Punta tayo ng barn house mamaya. Zavar is already preparing Irish for us there,” he muttered nang makaakyat na si Lola sa itaas para makapaghanda na sa kanilang pag-alis.

Nilingon ko siya ng tingin sa aking likuran kung saan siya ay kanina pa nananatiling nakatayo at animong hinihintay lamang ako sa aking pag-ahon mula sa aking pagkakaupo sa sofa ng salas. “Can we do it later? Pagkaalis nila Lola? I want to say my goodbye to them before they leave.”

Pinagmasdan naman ako ng alerto nitong mga mata. He didn’t say any word and just stares at me for a while. Seryoso naman akong nakatitig sa kaniya pabalik ani mong nakikipagtalo sa seryoso niyang mga titig.

After a long stare with each other, he suddenly looked away and cleared his throat eventually. Nanatili naman akong nakatitig sa kaniya nang ibuka niya ang kaniyang mga labi para mag-salita.

“Okay, I’ll wait for you then.”

Pasiring naman akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya na sigurado akong nahuli ng kanyang mga mata. Kaya naman nang tumayo ako at humakbang na paakyat ng hagdanan para tunguhan si Lola ay natigilan ako nang ang kamay niya ay mabilis akong pinigilan sa pagpanik.

“What’s with your rolling eyes?” he then asked me which I had already expected from him to come out. This guy is indeed sensitive and I can sense it from him big time…

Nilingon ko naman siya ng bahagya at nakakalokong nginisian. “Stop staring at me that way Rhad or else I will kill you.”

Nakita ko kung pa’no siyang matigilan sa sinabi ko. The past few days I’ve been so kind. I’ve been so vulnerable when it comes to him. And I knew that it was because of me trying hard to suppress my feelings for him. To such an extent that I forgot what kind of personality I have. Or maybe I had really changed because of the circumstances that I’ve been through. But I believe that I should not forget how to be tough as well. I should not become tangible when there’s something that will haunt me at night.

Iniwan ko siyang nakatiimbagang na nakatitig sa aking likuran nang umakyat ako ng hagdan para pumunta na sa silid ni Lola at Nics. Gusto kong makapagpaalam sa kanila bago sila umalis at gayundin kay Nics na paniguradong magtataka kung bakit hindi ako makakasama sa aming bakasyon ngayon. Well, not just me, Rhad won’t be with them as well.

Alam kong malulungkot si Nics dahil hindi ako makakasama. Lalo na at magdadalawang taon na rin naming hindi nakakasama si Enzo, kaya inaasahan niya na ako ang makakasama niya ngayong bakasyon.

Nakakalungkot man pero wala kaming magawa dahil si Enzo na mismo ang may gusto na hindi muna bumalik ng Pilipinas. Every time we had a conversation over the phone, kapag ang usapan ay ang pagbalik niya ng Pilipinas ang topic ay palagi niya itong iniiwasan. I hate to think if it’s because of Lolo’s decision or it’s his choice to just stay there because he will be hurt to leave us again.

“Ingat po kayo sa byahe. Nics, please enjoy the trip. Bawi nalang ako next time, ay’t?” Paalam ko sa kanila nang makababa kami sa entrada ng malaking bulwagan ng mansion kung saan naghihintay na sa kanila ang mga sasakyan.

I welcomed an embrace for Lola as well as for Nics who looks a bit in gloom nang malaman niyang hindi ako makakasama. She hugs me back and then faced me later on.

“Make sure na bumawi ka. Alam mo namang wala na nga si Kuya Enzo hindi mo pa kami sasamahan ngayon sa Bora?”

“I’m sorry, okay. Hayaan mo at pagbalik mo we’ll go to Baguio if you like.” Bawi ko sa kaniya dahil ramdam ko ang pagtatampo sa kaniyang tono.

Lumiwanag naman ang mukha niya sa sinabi ko. “Really?” abot taingang nakangiti nitong tanong sa akin at saka ako mahigpit na niyakap muli. Natatawa naman akong tumango tango sa kaniyang balikat dahil sa sobrang higpit ng kaniyang yakap.

Mukha namang narinig ni Papa ang sinabi ko at nakangiti rin sa akin nang malingunan ko ang kaniyang gawi. “O siya, tara na at baka mahuli pa tayo sa flight natin.” pagtawag niya sa tuwang tuwa na si Nics.

Tinapik naman ako ni Papa sa balikat bago siya tumungo sa nakaabang na pintuan ng sasakyan. Nilapitan ko ang bintana kung saan naroon na si Lola para halikan sa pisngi. Rhadmus was also there at the side of the window of the backseat nang lumapit ako. Bahagya siyang umatras para mahalikan ko si Lola sa kaniyang pisngi na gustong gusto niyang ginagawa ko.

“Ingat po kayo ’La sa byahe. Enjoy your vacation please and try’na have fun.” I happily said to her after I gave her a peck of a kiss on her cheeks.

“You two, have some fun as well! And Rhad please take care of my Irish, I know you have plans for him this summer before you get wed but please don’t forget to settle things out.” Lola stated as her eyes glint on me. Napakunot noo ako dahil sa sinabi niya nang hindi ko gaano itong naintindihan. “Let Neil help you with it. I know he will be a huge help.”

I felt Rhadmus glimpse at me from my side after Lolas’ statement. Hindi ko sya nagawang lingunin dahil hindi ko inalis sa aking panigin ang seryosong mga mata ni Lola. They left the mansion early and I felt a little bit hung because of what Lola said before they leave.

Nakasunod sa akin si Rhadmus habang ako ay nakasakay sa kabayo. I can say that I can perfectly maneuver the horse now unlike my first time. Pagkaalis nila Lola kanina ay dumiretso na rin kami agad rito sa barn house. He continues training me on how to ride Irish and I believe that he teaches me well ’coz I know how to ride a horse now.

Pinahinto ko si Irish sa paglalakad nang matapat kami sa isang lilim ng puno. Pinakiramdaman ko naman si Rhadmus sa aking likuran na agad umamba sa aking gilid para alalayan ako sa pagbaba sa kabayo. I’m expecting his help already. Kaya naman agad kong tinanggap ang nakaabang niyang kamay para sa akin. Tiningnan ko siya sa mga mata nang ilagay ko sa nakabukas niyang mga palad ang aking kamay. Hindi naman ako nilubayan ng mga mata niyang ramdam kong kanina pa sa akin nakatingin.

I stared at him as I get down from the horse. His eyes did not fail to leave mine. I arched my brows because of that.

“Stop staring at me that way Rhadamanthus,” I warned him when I can’t hide myself the intimidation I felt from his gaze.

Tinalikuran ko siya agad nang makababa ako sa kabayo. Naramdaman ko pa ang bahagyang haplos na ginawa niya bago niya tuluyang pakawalan ang kamay ko. Lumilim ako at itinali sa katawan ng puno si Irish. Wala naman akong narinig mula sa kaniya, nananatili lang siyang nakamasid sa akin at patuloy sa panonood habang tinatali ko ang kabayo.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to be quiet when in fact na ako dapat ang mas tahimik sa ating dalawa.” I drawled after I finally tied up Irish rope. Hinarap ko siya at bahagyang nilapitan.

He looks serious when our eyes met. His lips were grim as his eyes stared at me deeply. I don’t want to stare much into his eyes ’coz I know that my feelings for him may revive mightily but I can’t just look away from his deep stares. Namalayan ko nalang na habang patagal ng patagal kaming nagkakatitigan ay unti-unti naman akong nabibingi sa malakas na pagtambol ng aking dibdib.

“Thank you for staying with me.” He then suddenly muttered shattering my state a bit.

My forehead creased. “What do you mean about me staying? Like staying here with you for vacation or for not going with them to Boracay even though I much wanted to come with them?”

He blinks and shifted his stare away from me to the grass field behind me. Tirik ang araw dahil tanghaling tapat at nangangabayo kami. Walang ibang tao sa gawing ito ng ekta-ektarya naming bukirin at kaming dalawa lang sa ilalim ng isang malaking puno.

“Yes. For staying with me this summer and not going with them, that’s just a bonus to me.” Sagot niya sa akin habang ang mga mata ay nasa kapaligiran ang tingin.

I parted my lips and let a soft sigh. “I stay because that’s what we adjourned the last time we talk before I finished my last semester.” Napalingon naman siya dahil sa sinabi ko. Bahagya pang nagsalubong ang dalawang makakapal niyang kilay nang balingan ako nito muli ng tingin.

“What do you mean? That you just stay because you have to compromise for me? Not wanted to stay because you like being with me at least?” He asked in seriousness.

I swallowed hard at that question. I feel like I’m being interrogated because at some point, I stay with him because I want to. Because I like him. Pero hindi na dapat dahil maling mali na magustuhan ko pa siya. That is why I also used this opportunity to be with him in hopes that I might stop my heart from beating for him. Pero bakit habang tumatagal na nakakasama ko siya ay hindi ko magawang pigilan ang sariling pintig ng puso ko para sa kaniya. God damn it.

“Don’t you like my company, Neil? Hmm?” he probed. I look away.

I like how you cared for me Rhadmus but I can’t say it to your face. I shook my head at him, “You know what, let’s just go back to the mansion now.” Pag-iiba ko sa usapan dahil hindi ko gusto ang naging tanong niya sa akin.

“Nope, we are not done yet. I’m asking you-”

“Bumalik na tayo sa mansion-”

“Answer my question first then we will go back after.” He said, diminishing.

I grit my jaw. What the hell is he doing? Nag-iwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin dahil alam kong nag-iiba na ang timpla ko. I don’t want to argue with him anymore. So as much as I can I should immediately avoid the chances of getting rivals with him.

Tinalikuran ko siya at tinanggal ko ang pagkakatali ng lubid ni Irish sa puno para iwasan ang nang-iinterogang mga mata niya sa akin. Ngunit hindi ako nakatakas sa sumunod niyang naging tanong.

“Do you still like me, Neil Irish?” I almost shivered at my place as I pulled Irish from the tree.

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad sa seryosong naging tanong niya na iyon. I stiffened at my place as the horse stop with me as well. I swallowed hard. Naramdaman kong lapitan niya ako mula sa aking likuran.

“Do you still like me-” I opt to cut him off immediately when he was about to repeat his fucking question.

“Ano bang sinasabi mo? Of course not! Why would I still like you, Rad? Hell no!” I blurted out frantically.

Lumakad naman siya sa aking harapan dahilan para makita ko ang napakaseryoso niyang hitsura. Napalunok ako ng malalim nang pagtaasan niya ako ng isang kilay. Malakas naman ang pintig ng puso ko sa mga oras na ito, ani mong naghuhuramentado sa tunay nitong nararamdaman para sa kaniya.

My heart seems to like him but my mind says that my heart never learned if I’d choose to like him.

“I don’t like you anymore Rhadmus. We have already talked about this before we get into this set up right? So please stop asking me this again… because I will answer you still the same thing.” I said in seriousness this time. Not getting blinded by the wild heartbeats of my heart.

Ilang saglit niya pa muna akong pinagmasdan bago siya muling nagsalita. “Alright. I get it, you will never like me.”

I clenched my jaw at that. “Yeah, I will never like you.” I lied because I know deeper to myself that I already like him. The moment he left me last Christmas I knew then that I have something for him in my heart that was beginning to grow. I hate to admit but that is my feelings for him.

Matunog naman siyang ngumisi sa akin habang ang mga mata ay animong naglalaro sa dilim. “Make sure you will answer the same thing the next time I’ll ask you this again. Do not like me, huh… tss” He muttered in hoarse.

I looked away when I can’t take how playful his eyes glaring at me. It’s like I’m staring at the fire with burning embers as you stared long at it.

After that conversation under the shade of a tree hindi ko alam kung pano siya kakausapin ulit. Wala kaming imik na bumalik ng barn house para maihatid na si Irish kay Zavar na naghihintay sa amin don. At ni lingon ay ani mong pagkakamali na gawin kung tatangkain ko pang tingnan siya. Tapos na naming pag-usapan ang kung anong namamagitan sa amin noon. But why does it seems like he’s bringing it up again?

I wanted to confront him and ask for his reasons but I don’t want him to think that it is still a big deal for me when in fact I don’t like him… as what he thinks so far.

“Pakibalik na si Irish sa kaniyang kwadra Zavar,” Rhad commanded when Zavar reach our way near the barn house.

“Sige po Sir Rhad. Kailangan niya na ring mapakain at maipahinga lalo na at bukas ay muli niyo siyang gagamitin muli–”

“Uh no, I’m not gonna be here for tomorrow kaya baka hindi na muna kami mangabayo.”

“Gano’n ba? Pwede ko namang bantayan at alalayan si Sir Neil kung wala ka rito bukas.” Ani ng nakangising si Zavar sabay lingon sa aking gawi sa likuran ni Rhad.

“Hindi na, saka kailangan na rin niyang magpahinga since ilang araw na rin naman siyang nangangabayo,” Rhad stated to end the conversation. Ano namang gagawin ko kung wala siya rito bukas kung gano’n?

“I can ride Irish very well Rhadmus. Kaya ko naman ng mangabayo ng mag-isa even without your guidance I know I can.” I inserted abruptly into their conversation.

Hindi naman niya ako nilingon at nanatili lang siyang nakaharap kay Zavar. Ang aking mga mata ay nakapirmi sa kaniyang likuran, waiting for him to face me but he didn’t.

“Magpahinga ka nalang sa mansion bukas habang wala ako–”

“I don’t have to rest. Isa pa hindi naman gaano kahirap mangabayo, I actually enjoy it. Saka ano namang gagawin ko mag-isa sa mansion? Ayokong tumunganga lang bukas maghapon.” giit ko dahil kung aalis naman siya bukas at iiwan akong mag-isa rito ay mas maganda ng may pinagkakaabalahan ako, kaysa naman maburyo lang ako kakahintay sa kaniya.

“No. You will stay in the mansion and pass the time doing nothing.” He said with finality.

Napaawang naman ang bibig kong nakatingin sa malapad niyang likuran matapos niyang sabihin iyon. “Pero Rhadmus, hindi naman ata tama iyon–”

“No buts.” He then shut me off when I was about to disagree with what he just said.

Fuck. Hindi niya talaga man lang ako binalingan ng tingin sa kaniyang likuran matapos niyang sabihin yon. Nang pagmasdan ko naman si Zavar na nasa kaniyang harapan ay sakto naman paglakad ni Rhad paalis. Tang ina, ano bang problema nito.

Tahimik at naiinis akong nakasunod sa kaniya pabalik ng mansion. Gusto kong maguluhan sa mga inaakto niya sa akin ngayong araw. Before Lola left early this morning, I already become aware that something is up to him. Tapos ngayon aalis siya bukas? Why? He will leave me after asking me if I like him? What the hell?

Nang matunton namin ang entrada ng bulwagan ng mansion ay mabibigat ang mga naging paghakbang ko. Rhadmus swiftly walk upstairs when we get to the living room. Mahina na lamang akong napabuntong hininga. What’s up with him?

Tinungo ko ang kitchen para uminom nang tubig habang iniisip kung bakit parang biglang nag-iba ang pakikitungo niya sa akin. Inalala ko ang mga nangyari kaninang umaga. Wala naman akong naaalalang napagtaluhan namin so what’s the point of his actions now?

Pagod nalang akong napailing at sabay na ibinaba sa sink ang baso na aking pinag-inuman. I planned out of washing it kaya naman binuhay ko ang gripo. Pero ganon na lamang akong natigilan nang may kamay na sumulpot mula sa aking tabi at agawin ang huhugasan ko sa sanang baso na pinag-inuman ko. The veiny arm opens the faucet and snatches the glass from my hold.

“Ako na rito.” Ani ng isang malalim na boses sa aking tabi.

Nagtataka ko namang tiningnan si Zavar. His body was so close to me as he washed the glass I used. Our shoulder rubs against each other as he soaped the glass. “Anong ginagawa mo rito? I asked, wondering by his sudden presence.

“Washing your glass?” He answers bluntly.

My forehead creased to what he said. “Hindi ba dapat ay nasa kuwadra ka at inaasikaso si Irish?” Nananatili akong nakatingin sa kaniya nang tanungin ko siyang muli.

Sinulyapan naman niya ako matapos niyang patayin ang umaandar na gripo. “Ah, may ibang gumagawa non hindi ako. Saka Irish ka rin naman hindi ba? So I guess it’s just fine to serve you as well–”

“But I’m not the one who you should prioritize Zavar.” Ani ko nang talikuran niya ako para ilagay sa cabinet ang baso na tapos na niyang hugasan. At pagkaraan ay mabilis niya akong hinarap. Bahagya pa akong natigilan dahil saktong paglingon niya ay natanawan ko si Rhadmus mula sa living room at may kayakap na babae.

“Who said that I’m prioritizing you, Sir Neil?” Ani Zavar sa aking harapan na naramdaman ko pang humakbang palapit sa akin. But my eyes were preoccupied with what I have seen.

I saw how Rhadmus’s hand snaked around the back of the petite lady who was hugging him tightly. Nanliit ang mga mata kong nakatingin sa kanilang gawi. And who the fuck is that? I grit my jaw seeing Rhad sniff her neck then slowly withdraw from their tight embrace. Hindi ko maiwasang mapatiimbagang na makita siyang may kayakap na iba.

“Hey, you alright?” Napakurap ako at mabilis na nag-iwas ng tingin sa gawi nila at nilipat ang tingin kay Zavar na nasa aking harapan.

“Y-Yeah, I think so… By the way I have to go. Thanks for snatching out my glass,” Mahinahon kong paalam sa kaniya kahit pa na sa loob loob ko ay gusto ko nang umalis para puntahan si Rhadmus.

“No problem, it’s my pleasure helping you to sort things out.” He then muttered which made me look at him in query.

“What?” I asked him in wonder when I knew he meant something deeper to what he said.

Mas lumawak naman ang ngising nakaguhit sa kaniyang mga labi habang ako ay naguguluhan sa kaniyang mga sinasabi.

“You look annoyed that’s why I said it. Are you?” He then confided.

I blink and slowly look away from where Rhadmus and his woman a while ago. Pero nang pagtingin ko kung nasaan sila kanina ay wala na sila ron. I clenched my jaw.

“You seem not fine. But don’t mind me, I won’t bother you to tell me about it tho.”

“I’m sorry Zavar but I’m not in the mood to talk to you right now. I guess I really have leave you for now.”

Hindi ko na binalingan pa si Zavar nang sabihin ko iyon at dali-dali akong umalis ng kitchen para tumungo ng living room. Ilang saglit ko pang sinuyod ng tingin ang malawak naming sala dahil baka naupo lang sila sa sofa, but the sofa are freaking empty. Kaya naman agad akong umakyat na ng hagdanan. What the fuck is Rhadmus doing? He’s bringing a woman into our mansion! And what the heck are they doing? God damn it! He’s fucking engaged and he’s bringing a goddamn woman here?! He better should stop this hook-up thing for goodness sake!

Nang makarating ako sa ikalawang palapag ay nagmamadali akong lumiko pakanan kung saan patungo ang aking silidkung saan patungo rin sa gawi ng sa kaniya. Malakas ang kabog ng aking puso habang malalaki ang ginagawa kong paghakbang patungo sa kaniyang kwarto na natatanawan kong nakasarado ang pintuan.

Pakiramdam ko ay pinipisil ang puso ko sa hindi malamang kadahilanan. And as I slowly get near the door of his room, the bigger step I’m taking a while ago began to walk smitten. I don’t know why I have this feeling that something is happening inside his room. And what creeps me more is the memory I had witnessed inside this room back then.

I let a soft sigh as I hold the doorknob. My heart beats deliberately and my breathing is almost hitched in nervousness. Seriously? Does he really have to do it again? Damn it! At nang bubuksan ko na sana ang pintuan nang kaniyang silid ay natigilan ako.

“Ohh Rhad… you like it that much, huh? Keep on eating it. I know that it tastes good as hell.” I heard a woman grumble breathily.

What the hell.

Kabanata 28

Kabanata 28

Jealous

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong buksan ang pintuan nang marinig ko ang kakaibang tunog na iyon. What the heck Rhad for doing this such thing that can ruin everything good that is happening to him right now. I thought he loves Dorothy so much but why is he fucking doing this?

“Rhadmus-” I was about to burst the moment I open the door. I already expect to see them doing such worldly things that can turn my stomach upside down. Pero gano’n na lamang akong natigilan nang makita si Rhadmus na nakaupo sa isang couch habang ang babae niya ay nakatayo sa kaniyang harapan. Watching him eat the cookies he was biting.

Sabay silang napalingon sa aking gawi nang tawagin ko si Rhadmus sa iritadong tono. Pareho sila ngayong nakatingin sa akin ng may nagtatakang mga mata. Malalim naman akong napalunok habang ang aking mga mata ay naglilikot, salitan sa kanilang dalawa.

“What is it?” Rhadmus asked and raised his brows at me in annoyance. I licked my lips when I felt them dried.

What? I am very sure that they are fucking here inside! Damn it!

Nagtiim bagang na lamang ako at walang salita na namutawi sa aking bibig. Pareho silang nakatanaw sa akin ngayon ng may nagtataka at naguguluhang mga tingin. I even notice how the woman’s lips slowly crept into a teasing smirk.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay pinamumulahan ako ng pisngi because I know that I shouldn’t invade their privacy. But what will I do?! Rhadmus bring his woman inside his room and what do I expect them to do by the way!? Goddamn it.

Padabog kong isinara ang pintuan nang pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong mukhang mahihaharap sa kaniya. Alam kong naging padalos dalos ako sa ginawa kong iyon but I can’t just stop myself from being too paranoid.

Dumiretso ako papasok ng kwarto ko at ikinandado ko iyon bago ako pabagsak na humiga sa aking kama at ibaon ang mukha sa malambot na unan. Ano bang ginagawa mo Neil!? Ano ngayon kung may dala si Rhadmus na babae sa mansion at isinama pa niya sa kwarto niya? Ano ngayon, huh?

I cared because he will get married soon. I am the one who is here watching him intently for the fucking whole summer tapos mag-iisang linggo pa lang kaming magkasama may ganito na agad siyang milagro na ginagawa? Dalawa o tatlong linggo pa kaming magkakasama at sa halos dalawang lingo na iyon ay kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama dahil hindi pa makakauwi sila Lola.

Pero kung ganito lang din naman ang masasaksihan ko e’di sana ay sumama nalang pala ko sa kanila, tang ina. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko ngayon na nagpauto ako sa kaniya na gagawin niyang memorable ang summer naming dalawa together and he even promise me that I won’t get bored, fuck him. Fuck his liar. I shut my eyes tightly in annoyance while I buried my face in my soft pillow.

Natigilan lang ako sa sariling pag-aalburoto nang marinig kong may magkakasunod na katok na nanggaling mula sa pintuan. Hindi ko iyon pinansin at pinanatili ko lang na nakabaon ang aking mukha sa unan. But when I heard it again ay tumayo na ako at saka padarag na binuksan iyon.

I know that it was him who’s knocking on my goddamn door. I don’t want to open it to be honest because I know that I don’t have the guts to face him right now after what I did inside his room. But I have to ’coz he’s fucking slamming my door.

Pagkabukas ko ng aking pintuan ay tumambad sa akin ang iritado rin niyang mga mata. His hair was a bit disheveled while his lips formed in grim line after he licked it annoyingly. Ilang pulgada lang ang layo naming dalawa sa isa’t isa pero sa paraan niya ng pagtingin sa akin ay ani mong isang pulgada lang ang agwat naming dalawa.

“Why do you get in my room?” he asked in gravel.

I clenched my jaw and arched my brow. Bakit? Ano bang ginagawa niyo sa kwarto mo? Nanghahamon kong tanong. I don’t want to sound like I’m frightened and feel ashamed of what just I did a while ago. Kahit pa sa loob loob ko ay naiirita ako dahil masyado akong nagpapadalos dalos.

His eyes darkened as he stares at me interrogatingly. I even saw how his sculpted jaw move in so much annoyance. Why does he look like he’s so annoyed with me since earlier? Tss.

“We are not doing anything wrong inside my room if that’s what you are thinking.”

I chuckled mockingly right after he said that. “Oh really?” I asked him menacingly. Kita ko sa kaniyang mga mata na iritado na siya sa bawat pagsagot ko and I feel the same way. Dahil kung una pa lang nagsabi siya sa akin na may bisita siya e’di sana hindi ako umeksena sa kwarto niya.

“What’s wrong with you? I am asking you politely if why you get inside my room without even knocking first, don’t you know that it was rude?” Galit na ang tono ng boses niya nang sabihin niya iyon.

Pinanuyuan naman ako ng lalamunan. Siya pa ngayon ang may ganang magalit e’ samatalang dapat ako nga ang dapat na magalit sa kaniya cuz he’s leaving tomorrow and now he’s having a woman inside his fucking room.

“Ako pa ngayon ang bastos e’ ikaw nga tong hindi ako pinapansin ni balingan man lang hindi mo magawa kanina pa! I’m supposed to be mad here and not you, moron!” I burst out.

Nakita kong matigilan siya ng ilang segundo sa pag-alburoto ko sa kaniya. But it immediately fades away and replaces by his menacing scowl. Nananatiling nakahawak ang kamay ko sa seradura ng pintuan at hindi iyon binubuksan ng malaki. Humakbang siya palapit sa akin. I looked up at him with my lips twitched with annoyance.

“Is that your reason why you got in my room and left slamming my door? Hmm?” Mahina ngunit mariin niyang tanong sa akin. He continuously stepped near the border of my door, getting closer to me as I step back when I felt like his breath will reach my skin.

I looked away and looked down on the edge between our distance. I didn’t speak and say anything dahil alam kong hindi lang iyon ang rason ko.

He took another step when he noticed my silence. Nagsimula namang maghumiyaw ang puso ko sa kaba at sa takot na baka marinig niya ito.

“Masyado naman atang mababaw ang rason mo para pasukin ang kwarto ko ng walang paalam at padabog iyong isarado paalis. Tama ba ako Neil?”

Hindi ako umimik. Pinanatili ko ang tingin ng aking mga mata sa sahig. Halos isang pulgada na lamang ang aming distansya sa isa’t isa. Amoy ko ang mabango niyang pabango na ani mong nagpapagulo sa galit na nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya. He smells so good na kahit pa galing kaming barn house kanina at nangabayo, he still manages to smell this enthralling.

He then took another step that will finally eat the only distance that was left between us. “Just stay there Rhadmus. Don’t get near me.” I said gravely.

And when I lifted my glance at him my eyes widen a fraction seeing how serious he was staring at me deeply. I didn’t blink, instead, I equal his glares. Ang kaniyang mga mata ay ani mong nagtatanong kung ano bang dahilan ko even the fact he knew it already. It’s like it’s asking for confirmation that I enter his room without giving any signals because I’m jealous. Am I?

“You are engaged Rhad for God damn sake. Seeing you embracing a woman a while ago and bringing her inside your room is something that I should alarm with. Have you forgotten that I stayed here with you because I want to know you more? For us to start again from scratch. But what you’re doing right now confuses me big time.” Magkasalubong ang dalawang makakapal kong kilay na nakatingin sa kaniya nang sabihin ko iyon.

Nakita ko namang unti-unting umamo ang kaninang mga mata niyang agresibong nakatingin sa akin. His dark eyes began to glint with gentleness as I confess my thoughts for him a while ago. I saw his adam’s apple move, swallowing the lump that seems to be stuck in his throat.

“Tapos aalis ka pa bukas. Ano nalang gagawin kong mag-isa dito? Kung ganito lang din pala ang mangyayari e’di sana sumama nalang pala dapat ako kila Nics sa Boracay.”

“Hindi na ako aalis bukas.” He then spilled.

Natahimik ako at pinagmasdan lang siya. I know that I began to sound very unusual from what I’m used to. But what’s the point of hiding your real emotions when you’re in front of the person who you know can accept you as a whole and nothing more. I just want to be vulnerable this time. I’m tired of being tough on myself in terms of prevailing on my real feelings.

“We will stay here in the mansion the whole day tomorrow and rest. What do you think about it?” He asked like he already made a decision.

I gape and my eyes flickered as I glance at him. “But you said you have something to attend to tomorrow. Also, your woman is here, go entertain her. Iwanan mo na ako rito, I can handle myself alone. If you just didn’t promise to make this vacay memorable, I will not expect something from you.” I dismissed him and was about to shut my door when he suddenly stopped me from closing the door with his massive arms, halting me to shut him off my way.

“We are not done yet talking, why close the door?” He asked, slightly upset.

Pasiring naman akong nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin. “We are done talking Rhadamanthus. We have nothing to discuss here anymore. Go on and leave me. Go wherever you want! Serve your bitch inside your room and leave me fucking alone.” I said emphasizing every single word on his face.

Bahgyang habol ko pa ang aking hininga sa sobrang inis na nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya. Habang siya ay mukhang kalmado na at para bang namamangha sa inaakto ko. But when I furrowed my brows in a snap, his reaction changed into a massive cold Rhad I know.

“Don’t call her bitch Neil Irish. Watch out for your words, you’re being foolish here.” His cold voice makes me stiffen, but I didn’t let him notice it.

I look up at him smugly with my sharp glares dimming on him. Fuck him saying that I’m being foolish when in fact it was him who was an asshole motherfucker. I smirk mockingly. “Oh, so she’s not your bitch? Who is she then? Huh? A friend? Don’t tell me she’s our fucking neighbor bringing you some baked cookies because we dont fucking have a neighborhood.” I said with a stoic face.

Pero nanatili siyang matalim ang mga tingin na iginagawad sa akin. Nung una ay hindi siya nakasagot but when he took a step closer to me, I almost lost my breath. Humakbang siya palapit sa akin, making me step back when his step became bigger that had already eaten the small space we only have between us in the doorway.

I wanted to stay still and not step back. But I know that at this point I’m too weak to stop him. I’m too preoccupied with pushing him away when I know to myself that his presence lit me up to embers of undeniable feelings I’ve had for him. Ang kaninang mahigpit na pagkakahawak ko sa seradura ng pintuan ay unti-unting lumuwag kasabay ng pag-atras ko papasok sa aking silid.

“You’re getting furious Neil Irish-”

“I-I’m not-” I stuttered.

“Yes, you are.” He muttered hoarsely which gives me chills.

Tuluyan ko ng nabitawan ang pagkakahawak ko sa doorknob dahilan para tuluyan siyang makapasok sa loob ng kwarto ko. And when he finally gets in, he swiftly shut the door behind him without slipping out from our intense stares. I gulped so hard.

“Do you think that I fuck up with that woman that’s why you get inside my room instantly? Hmm?”

My lips parted at that. I grit my teeth. “What do you want me to think about it then? Assume that you’re just simply eating a goddamn cookie inside your room with her? Hell no.”

I was gritting my teeth in extreme annoyance when he took another step closer to me. Fuck. “Ah-huh, you can think of it that way because that’s the truth. I’m only eating the cookies she baked for me, nothing more than that. No further sexual activity like what you’re thinking.” He muttered to me raucously, as if he were explaining to me.

’Di ko naman maiwasang malalim na mapalunok lalo na at hindi ako mapakali sa iilang pulgada na pagitan naming dalawa. But I hardly tried to ignore it and not step back this time. I look up at him and face him with a grimace. “Seriously? Eating baked cookies inside your room? As if it was the kitchen of the mansion.” I blurted out in mockery.

Huminto naman siya sa paglapit sa akin nang hindi na ako umatras pa. The distance between us was already an inch away and I can already feel the heat of his body radiating on me as my breath hitched of a sudden.

“Anny is a friend of mine, she’s not my woman alright. She came here just to visit me, and it was a surprise ’cuz I didn’t even know that she was coming.” His eyes glint when he said that. The glint that I’ve noticed screamed in mischievous. Seems like he’s enjoying seeing me this way while I’m much annoyed with what he’s doing.

Hindi ako nagsalita at hinayaan lang siyang magpaliwanag. He was staring at me intently as his lips pursed for a second then turn into a grim line once again. He let a heavy sigh first before he goes on. “We get into my room dahil naiwan ko ang mga gamit ko ron. I have prepared a proposal for his grandfather’s company, and she wants to check it so I let her come with me upstairs. Wala akong balak na papasukin siya sa loob ng kwarto ko but she gets in without my prior knowledge because I was busy trailing the files on my laptop.”

Pasiring naman akong nag-iwas sa kaniya ng tingin. Nagtiim bagang lang ako at walang imik na nakatayo sa kaniyang harapan. Narinig ko siyang muli na mahinang mapabuntong hininga kaya naman binalik kong muli ang iritado ko pa ring mga tingin sa kaniya. Hindi na siya mukhang iritado ngayon, his looks were gentle and worried as he faces me in pleading.

“Are you still mad?” He then asked softly.

Para naman akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa kaniyang tanong. “If you’re still mad about it, I asked Anny to leave the mansion before I came here. Nakaalis na siya kaya wala ka ng dapat na ipag-alala.”

What? Not that I don’t want that woman to leave the mansion this early, but he said that he has a proposal for their company. How about it? Mukha namang nakuha niya ang tanong na nangulisap sa aking mga mata.

“I told her that I will just send her the proposal if she wants to see it.” He added.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko matapos niyang sabihin iyon. Part of me was in delight knowing that his woman was not here anymore. But remembering my actions look as if I’m demanding for his reasons, and for him to explain to me what is going on made me want to bury my face on my pillow again.

“Are you now calm?”

I look away when he asked me that. Why does his voice seem to be so gentle? I hate it.

“I’m not mad Rhadmus. I’m just annoyed, alright.” ani ko nang talikuran ko siya.

“Annoyed about what? For letting Anny inside my room–” I opt to cut him off when I sense where is this heading.

“Of course not- I mean yes! Because you are already engaged Rhadmus and you must set boundaries with every woman you talk with. Ano nalang ang iisipin at mararamdaman ni Dorothy once she finds out about this? She will be hurt for sure, so fucking keep your distance Rhadmus.” I almost exclaimed in aggravated.

I was frustrated with what just I did. I’m being careless with my actions and it doesn’t help me to evade the feelings I have for him. Kaya naman nang sabihin ko ang huling mga salita ay pakiramdam ko ay sinasabi ko iyon para ako ang layun niya, not just directly speaking.

“I know and I’m sorry. If that makes you annoyed, I won’t do it again.”

“Don’t say it for the sake of me Rhadmus. Do it because you have to, goddamn it.” I trailed off in surprise at his answer.

Pinangunutan naman niya ako ng noo. “I’ll probably do it for you, Neil. Dorothy knows Anny and she trusted me. I love her and I will keep my very best to be as loyal to her, as her to me as well.” Mariin niyang ani sa akin.

Para naman akong natigilan sa naging sagot niya. I don’t get him. He is giving me signals that confuse me big time. I don’t even want to acknowledge those but my heart automatically assumed it. Mali ang naging aksyon ko kanina at maging ang reaksyon ko and I admit it to myself. Hindi ko lang alam kung nararamdaman din ba ni Rhad iyon. I hope not ’coz I cannot contain myself this time.

“Bakit parang galit ka pa rin? I have already explained myself to you.”

“Hindi ako galit.” Giit ko. Naglakad pa ako palagpas sa kaniya dahil hindi ko na makayanan ang kaniyang mga titig sa akin. Ramdam ko naman ang mga mata niyang marahang nakasunod sa akin.

“Are you jealous then?” His huge deep voice shook me.

Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko nang marinig ko iyong mamutawi sa kaniyang bibig. I felt my throat dry as the lamp stuck at the middle of it, making it hard for me to swallow. I then sense him getting closer behind me which makes me stifled at my place even more. My heart roared in the wild as it rolled down in frightened. I didn’t expect that to co come out from him.

I parted my lips when his presence bothered me big time behind me. I dampened my bottom lips and flickered before the words got out of my mouth.

“No.” mahina at namamaos ang boses kong sagot sa kaniyang tanong.

I scrunched my fist while I keep gritting my teeth harshly. Pagkaraan ay hinarap ko siya mula sa aking likuran. I build my composure and look at him boldly. “Why would I be jealous? I’m just annoyed because I’m worried about your relationship with Dorothy. I am your best man, right? So I guess I am supposed to help your relationship intact through my concerns. And as your best man, what I only wish for you is all the best.” I said in hostile and plaster a soft fake smile afterward.

“I will never be jealous… Never.” I hissed then turn my back on him. “Lalabas muna ako para magpahangin. Baka gabihin na ako ng uwi.” Seryoso kong sinabi sa kaniya habang nakatalikod dahil ayaw kong makita niya akong nagtitimpi.

“Where are you going?” He then asked in surprise that I’m leaving.

I bit my lips before I replied. “Just don’t wait for me, I want to be alone.”

Kabanata 29

Kabanata 29

Still

Umalis ako ng hapon na iyon at piniling mapag-isa. Tinungo ko ang gazebo kung saan ako lang mag-isa at walang ibang tao. Sinubukan kong ibaling ang aking atensyon sa mga halaman at bulaklak. But my mind keeps going back to the topic where Rhadmus is always the subject.

I’m not jealous. That’s what I want to keep telling myself even though I know that I’m being a liar. I wanted to calm my ass and pretend that I’m not but my actions were already screaming for it. To the point that I can’t even recognize myself anymore. I already told myself that this summer with him is a fresh beginning for us two. But it seems like I’m breaking the promise I keep on reminding myself that I should stop myself from liking him more and more.

It wasn’t a choice I am taking. It’s a decision I keep messing up continuously. Dahil akala ko ay naging klaro na sa akin na hindi nga kami pwede. That he will get married soon. Pero bakit parang ginagawa ko lang ’yong rason para tigilan siya? Am I being rebellious this time in the sense of love? Will I risk my world in exchange to have the universe I had lost once?

Ayokong magpadalos dalos. But what am I doing right now grumble everything I hardly tried to avoid… And that is I’m liking him more. I don’t want to think that his giving me signals but assuming how careful and gentle he was with me in the past few days, makes me want to give in.

No. I know that I should not. I’m their best man and thinking of having an evil affair with him, I can’t stomach it. I don’t want to hurt anybody else. I don’t want to be selfish and irrational with my every deed. At kung magpapadaig ako sa nararamdaman ko kaysa piliin ang mas nararapat kong gawin ay baka ako na naman ang masaktan… Ako na naman ang makasakit… At ako na naman ang mabigo.

All this time I thought I was brave. Brave enough to accept the fact that I can never go far away, and where I’m standing right now is the only place I can hang around with. And I’m not wrong about it. Dahil kung saan ako naiwang nahulog ni Kaizer noon, nandon pa rin ako. I just only stood up but never move forward.

Lubog na ang haring araw nang magpasya akong pumasok sa loob ng mansion. Nang gabing iyon ay sinubukan kong alalahanin ang mga pagkakamaling nagawa ko the kind of love I discern as a mistake when I fell in love with Kaizer. And contemplating it right now doesn’t make any difference to what I have with Rhadmus if ever I will opt to be selfish again.

I don’t want to repeat the history itself. Natatakot ako, hindi para sa sarili ko kun’di para sa mga taong masasagasaan ko. Maybe I become weak, but I know that there is bravery inside me that I keep holding on to for a long while. And I’m frightened that I might use this bravery I have in the next few days if ever I cannot control myself anymore.

“Good morning,” bati sa akin ni Rhadmus na nakatop-less na umiinom ng tubig sa countertop ng kitchen.

Kagigising ko lang at bumaba kaagad ako ng hagdan para tunguhin ang kitchen dahil pinanunuyuan ako ng lalamunan. And seeing him this early…. shirtless… makes my throat dry even more. Sinuyod ng malikot kong mga mata ang kaniyang katawang pawisan na mukhang kakatapos lang mag-jogging. His upper body was on bullets of sweat, and it shines as the beam of sunlight hit his fair skin that making it glow in my sight.

Mariin akong napalunok habang lumalagok ng tubig sa aking baso. At nang ang aking mga mata ay bumaba sa kaniyang dri-fit shorts, I gulped even harder.

“Looking nice?”

Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniyang katawan nang magsalita siya. Tinungo ko ang sink para talikuran siya at maiwasan ang mga mata niyang sinusubukan na hulihin ang aking mga tingin. Ayoko siyang harapin matapos ng nangyari kahapon. Dahil pakiramdam ko ay wala akong mukhang maihaharap sa kaniya ngayon.

“Avoiding me? Huh,” I heard his huge voice behind me. Hindi naman ako kumibo at nagtiim bagang lang.

I blink. “If this is because of what happened yesterday–” I opt to cut him off.

“I’m sorry,” I then blurted out of nowhere. Iyon ang unang salita na tangi kong naisip na sabihin sa kaniya dahil sobra akong nahihiya sa inakto ko kahapon.

Hindi siya nagsalita bagkus ay narinig ko lamang siyang mahina na mapabuntonghininga. I turned and face him. Bumungad sa akin ang maganda niyang mukha na seryosong nakatitig sa akin ngayon. He was a bit close to me, but I didn’t mind our distance.

“I’m sorry for what I acted yesterday. I know that I overreacted, and I hated myself for doing such foolish things that annoyed you. I didn’t mean to but I just can’t help it… I’m sorry.” Agad akong nagbaba ng tingin matapos kong sabihin iyon dahil hindi ko matagalan ang intensidad ng bawat niyang mga titig.

Humakbang siya ng isang beses palapit sa akin. Agad namang sinakop ng kaniyang lalaking mabangong halimuyak ang aking pang-amoy. I then lift my glares back up at him. I lick my lips when my eyes passed by on his sweaty chiseled chest then gulped afterward.

“I don’t mind it anyway. I get it that you are just concerned with my engagement, and I understood where you are coming from.” He said assuringly. “You don’t have to be sorry, alright.” He added.

I slowly shook my head at him and look away. Kumawala ako sa tinginan naming dalawa at umalis sa pagkakakulong niya sa akin sa lababo. Naglakad ako palapit sa countertop at naramdaman ko naman ang naging mabilis niyang pagsunod sa akin ng tingin.

“Hindi ka tumuloy sa lakad mo ngayon?” I then asked while I still turned my back on him, facing the countertop.

“It’s just the proposal I plan to look forward to today. But then, since biglaan din ang naging pagpunta ni Anny yesterday, I guess that’s already enough para hindi na ako tumuloy sa kanila ngayong araw.” Napakurap ako sa sinabi niya. “Also, I wanted to spend my whole day with you, para naman makabawi ako sayo tungkol sa kahapon. Is that okay with you? Yeah?” He then suddenly asked which make me crease my brows in surprise.

Napaharap naman ako sa kaniya. I can’t deny the rampant beating of my heart. I pursed my lips while he glances at me with his smug smirk. I then rolled my eyes when he seems to be playful staring at me.

“Fine.” I drawled lazily as if I’m not excited nor happy for today’s activity ahead with him. Nakita ko pang pagalawin niya ang kaniyang pecs, nagyayabang dahil napapayag niya ako. Napangisi naman ako. “Yabang,” I told.

Bahagya naman siyang natawa. “Why? I have a nice body, right?” Pagyayabang pa niya sabay flex ng kaniyang malaking braso.

“Whatever. I also have a nice body either.” I bragged a bit. He smirks naughtily.

“I know, that’s why you look sexy in my eyes.” He sexily chuckled.

Para naman akong pinamulahan ng pisngi sa sinabi niya. In an instance, I mockingly punch his right chest. It was hard when my fist hit it. “Damn you,” I hissed with a smile not leaving my lips.

Gwapo naman siyang nakangisi sa akin. “Your body is toned, and I find it really hot honestly.” He flattered me again.

’Di ko na tuloy naiwasang suntukin sya ulit ng pabiro dahil sa mga pambobola niya sa akin kahit na alam ko naman talaga na hot ako. But this time sa kabilang dibdib naman niya ko siya sinuntok. But when my fist was about to touch his massive chest, he instantly grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him. Dahilan para mapaatras din siya at mapasandal sa countertop.

He then snatches my other hand, handcuffing my both hands with his. I was stunned by his swift movements. Our body touched and the bullet sweats on his chest damp me, I saw how it wet my grey plain sando. Ang mga mata ko ay naukupa ng pawisan niyang katawan na nakadikit na rin sa aking katawan. Our bodies were so close to each other kaya nang mag-angat ako sa kaniya ng tingin ay halos maduling ako sa lapit ng kaniyang mukha.

I then gape harshly when I felt my throat dry once again. Bahagya akong nakatingala sa kaniya na nakatingin habang ang mga kamay ko ay mahigpit niyang hawak sa pagitan ng aming dibdib. Ramdam ko ang mabilis na paghuhuramentado ng aking puso. Nakakabingi… Nakakatakot dahil baka marinig niya itong naghuhumiyaw at pilit na kumakawala sa hindi mapangalanang nararamdaman.

“Got you,” Mahina at namamaos ang boses niyang ani sa akin. Since our faces were just inches away from each other, I can already feel his hot breath hitting my cheeks, making it more reddened.

Malalim akong napalunok habang ang mga mata ko ay salitan na tumitingin sa magkabila niyang mga mata. Naglilikot at hindi mapakali. He was smirking at me playfully habang ako naman, kung ang kaninang hindi maburang ngiti sa aking mga labi ay unti-unting nabura.

I blink to snap out myself. I cleared my throat then look away nang mapagtanto kong hindi dapat kami nagdidikit ng ganito kalapit sa isa’t isa. No. Hindi dapat magdikit ang aming mga balat. Kaya naman sinubukan kong itulak siya palayo at bawiin ang kamay kong mahigpit na pinoposasan ng kaniyang mga kamay.

But when I attempt of pushing him and pulling my hands off of him, I felt him even tighten the hold on my hands and stiffened his body so that I can’t move away from him that easily. “Don’t slip away as easy as that.” His deep voice muttered.

I gritted my jaw. Hindi ako kumporatable sa lapat ng aming mga katawan. Para akong nililiyaban at ramdam ko ang ekektrisidad na dumadaloy sa aking katawan na nagmumula sa bawat pagdampi ng kaniyang balat sa akin.

“What do you want to do for today?” Tanong niya sa akin habang nananatili kaming dalawa sa ganoong posisyon.

Hindi ko naman siya magawang tingnan sa mga mata. “Pakawalan mo muna ako.” I taunted. Naramdaman ko naman siyang mahinang bumuntong hininga. “Ayoko ko nga, I want to hold you this way.”

Fuck. “But Rhadmus we are not supposed to be this close to each other.” Ani ko, kinakabahan dahil sa mabilis na pagpintig ng aking puso.

“We weren’t? Who says so? You are my cousin and I believe that it’s just normal to be this close to you.” He countered.

“But I’m not comfortable Rhad.” Pag-amin ko sa kaniya at saka kalaunan ay marahang nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniyang mukha.

Itinaas naman niya ang dalawa kong kamay mula sa pagitan naming dalawa at inilagay niya iyon sa kaniyang batok. My eyes widened at what he had just done as I felt my chest raises in so much wild beating.

“You look stunned when I put your hands on my nape. Nervous?” Namamaos ang malalim niyang boses na tanong sa akin.

Nawiwindang naman akong bahagyang nakatingala sa kaniya habang ang mga kamay ko ay mahigpit na nakahawak sa kaniyang batok. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang mararamdaman ko sa mga puntong ito. Ramdam ko ang panghihina ng aking mga tuhod.

“I want you to hold my nape that way, Neil. And please don’t be too nervous–”

“I’m not nervous!” I scream out of nervousness. Bahgya naman siyang natawa.

“Liar. I can even feel that your legs are trembling.” My cheeks flushed right after he said that kaya naman kumawala na ako sa kaniya. Agad kong inalis ang pagkakahawak ko sa batok niya at matalim siyang tiningnan. Natatawa naman siyang nakatitig sa akin, ani mong nang-aasar na nang-iinis.

“Namumula ka Neil–” panunuya pa niya sa akin na agad kong pinutol. “Shut the fuck up!”

Malakas naman siyang napahalakhak. Napahawak pa siya sa kaniyang abs sa sobrang tawa sa akin. Damn! He’s making fun of me, huh?

“You really look so cute but at the same time gorgeous when you are so upset.” He told then bark a burst of laughter again.

Nakanguso at masama naman ang tingin ang ginagawad ko sa kaniya. I feel annoyed with him but at the same time natutuwa ako. My heart feels so full seeing him laugh. It’s rare. I had never seen him laugh this way before ’coz he never laughs as I remember. Hindi pala, dahil nagawa niya na ring tumawa noon, and it’s also because of me.

“Ganiyan ka talaga kasaya tuwing kasama ako?” Bigla kong tanong na nagpatigil sa kaniya mula sa pagtawa. Subalit ang sayang namumutawi sa kaniyang mga mata ay hindi napawi habang ito’y nakatitig sa akin.

“Yes, because you are my euphoria, Neil Irish.” He seriously divulges.

I pursed my lips. Nagpipigil na mangiti sa sinabi niya. Kaya kalaunan ay pasiring na lamang akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya. Hindi ko alam kung pano natapos ang asaran naming dalawa nang umaga na iyon. Aaminin kong hindi ako naging kumportable sa naging bawat galaw niya, pero aaminin ko ring nagustuhan ko iyon.

The way he snatched my hand. The way he caressed me. How he teases and annoyed me at the same time, it feels nostalgic for the first time. Maybe because he’s right, na normal lang naman na hawakan niya ako… at yapusin as cousins. Hangga’t kaya ko na hindi pabulaanan ang mga ginagawa namin, I know that we can cultivate a new relationship that is best far from what we had before.

At ’yon naman ang gusto ko di ba? Naming dalawa. To have a fresh start and mark the veiling past we had. Hindi man naging kami noon but I know that what happened between us is something that has to be buried. And as much as I can, I shall bury my feeling I have sown for him.

That day passed with laughter and peace. Nag-scooter kaming dalawa nang hapon niyon at panay ang habol niya sa akin sa tuwing nauunahan ko siya. Nagpahinga rin kami sa gazebo nang maghapon at don pinanood ang paglubog ng araw kasama siya.

Pakiramdam ko ay parang magkapatid lang kami sa mga ginagawa naming dalawa. He’s like my older brother who smudges my hair whenever he finds me cute, or he just only does it to annoy me. Nagagawa na rin niya ulit akong akbayan like he used to do before. I feel like everything we do the entire day seems to be normal yet extraordinary since this kind of old-time is happening again between us like just a friend, without the anticipated feelings we both had for each other before.

It happened so purely this time, but maybe only for him. Dahil hindi ko pa rin maiwasan minsang isipin na baka gusto niya pa rin ako. But every time that thought slip-up on my head, I just shook my head. Dahil ang isipin iyon ay posibleng makasira lang sa kung ano ang inuumpisahan namin muling buoin.

Pagkatapos ng araw na iyon, wari isang kisap mata ay nagdaan na ang isang linggo na kami lang ang magkasama sa mansion. At sa linggong darating pa ang uwi nila Lola galing bakasyon. Sa mga araw na nagdaan na iyon ay hindi ko maikakaila na lubos kaming nagkakasundong dalawa sa mga bagay. Everything he likes seems to be favored over what I like as well.

“May I sleep beside you tonight?” He asked one night in front of my door when he keeps knocking on my room. Nagpumilit siyang magtabi na lamang kami sa kama ko ilang araw makalipas na maging kumportable kami sa isa’t isa.

Nung una ay tumatanggi ako dahil alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ako kumportable. But since we have been so close these past few days, I think there is no wrong if I allowed him this time.

“Please, Neil… Tayong dalawa na nga lang dito sa malaking mansion na ito ayaw mo pang magtabi nalang tayo? Aren’t you feel lonely at night?” he then asked like he was trying to convince me. I smirk at him evilly then chuckled softly afterward.

“I don’t feel lonely Rhad. Baka ikaw?” I asked him mockingly.

He immaculately handsomely pursed his lips to me. Nagpapaawa. I rolled my eyes at him at nangingiting nagkagat labi.

“Yes, I feel lonely at night. Can I sleep beside you now?” Malungkot na boses nitong sinabi sabay silip sa loob ng kwarto ko. Agad ko namang hinarangan ang kaniyang paningin, sinimangutan niya lalo ako. Pinagtaasan ko naman siya ng kilay.

“Baka nami-miss mo lang yung asawa mo?” tukso ko.

Pinangunutan naman niya ako ng noo. “Not yet, we will be seeing each other soon before the end of this month. So please, gusto ko pa munang makasama ang pinakamamahal kong son of a bitch cousin before I get wed. Let me in now or else I’ll lift you and throw you on your own bed.” Pagbabanta pa nito sa akin.

Natatawa ko namang hinampas sa kaniya ang towel kong dala dahil kakatapos ko lang magshower. Agad naman siyang nag-iwas para hindi tamaan. “Come on in, motherfucker.” I said enthusiastically laughing.

Since then, ay palagi na siyang natutulog sa kwarto ko. Madalas pa ay anong oras na ako nakakatulog dahil naninibago ako ng lubusan sa set-up naming dalawa. But eventually, I get used to it.

“You’re allergic to crustaceans, right?” tanong niya sa akin isang gabi. Pareho kaming nakatagilid na magkaharap sa isa’t isa nang tanungin niya sa akin iyon.

I’m hugging the pillow between us while he’s shirtless lying on my bed beside me. Hindi naman ako nailang dahil maging ako ay walang damit pang-itaas kung matulog ngayon and only wearing boxer brief, same with him.

“Yep, why?” I answered him in a raucous voice because it was almost midnight and we are still up.

His hair was a bit disheveled as he stared at me with his sleepy eyes. “I’m gonna tell you a secret, you want to know?” namamaos na rin ang boses nitong tanong sa akin.

I just nod my head to him. “I’m also allergic to it but that was before.” He divulged.

Bahagya namang namilog ang mga mata ko. “Really? How come?” I asked in surprise.

Seryoso naman siyang nakatingin sa akin, mukhang inaantok na pero pinipilit pa ring magkwento. “When I was a kid, I get reactions whenever I eat anything crustaceans. There is this point when I was rushed to the hospital ’coz I’m having a hard time in breathing.” He told then yawned a bit. I smiled softly at that.

Nakapikit na siya ngayon nang magsalita siya ulit. “But now I’m still allergic to it but it’s controllable.” Mahina na ang boses niya nang sabihin niya iyon.

He fell asleep as I expected. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa at pinagmasdan na lamang siyang matulog. We have been talking for hours now at para bang hindi siya nauubusan ng ikukwento sa akin. Nakakatuwa na marami akong nalalaman sa kaniyang bago. I feel lighted that now we get to have this kind of conversation, unlike before na kung hindi magtatalo ay iniiwasan ko siya dahil sa nararamdaman niya para sa akin.

My right hand was resting on the pillow between us, I lift it in the air and challenged myself to hold his face while he was asleep. At first, I was nervous to touch his face because he might wake up. But when I assure that he was really in a daze, I slowly caressed his sculpted jaw softly. My eyes were seeming to memorize every bit of his face. From his thick eyebrows and naturally curled lashes to his aristocrat’s nose and sculpted jaw, he looks so perfect.

Inangat ko ang kamay ko mula sa kaniyang pisngi para marahang hawiin ang buhok niyang tumatabing sa kaniyang magandang mga mata. And when my eyes drifted down to his thin soft lips, napalunok ako. His delicate reddish lips were a bit parted, it looks so soft that I wanted to brush mine. But I will never do it. Instead, I placed my index finger on his lower lip and slowly I traced how soft it was.

Then suddenly the image of him back then kissing me hardly flashed on my mind. It was so rugged, extent, and yet so tremendously passionate. I swallowed hard reminiscing those aggressive kisses he is always giving me before. I never thought I would crave for it. I never thought that I would like it to happen again.

My mind was busy thinking of it as I softly caress his thin lips, wondering how it feels like to be kissed again. But when a memory of their wedding ring suddenly flickered in my head, I immediately snapped out of my reverie. Napapaso kong inalis ang daliri ko sa malambot niyang mga labi. Mabilis ang sumunod kong naging paghinga nang mapagtanto ko kung ano ang aking mga isipin.

What the fuck am I thinking? I shouldn’t think of kissing him. I shouldn’t. Damn it! I shut my eyes tightly in so much annoyance to myself. Hindi pa ako nakakadilat ay naramdaman ko nalang na may yumapos sa aking katawan at hilahin ako palapit sa kaniya.

And as I open my eyes, I saw Rhadmus’s arm snaked on my body as he embraces me tightly. At ang unan na kanina ay nakapagitna sa aming dalawa, hindi ko namalayang nailagay ko pala sa pagitan ng uluhan naming dalawa kung saan walang unan na nakalagay.

“I love you… still.” I heard him mumble huskily which give me chills that dripped into my bones.

Then he pulled me closer again, and I stiffened. His eyes remain shut but am sure that I heard him say that. Does he still love me? If yes, what will I do? But what if it’s just his parasomnia and not real? Stop it, Neil. I reminded myself again. I should stop this already. I cannot be with him. I cannot love him as he also should.

He’s no longer into me. I know it. Dahil sa nakalipas na mga araw na sobrang lapit naming dalawa sa isa’t isa ay ramdam kong may iba ng nagmamay-ari ng puso niya. And that’s not me anymore. He said it to me the last time we watched the sunset together.

“I love Dorothy, Neil. More than what you can think and beyond any expectations. Unquestionably, I’m sure of her.” His image with an orange sunset beam sparks his face as it showed up in my head. He said it seriously and I felt it.

Kaya wala ng rason para sabihin niyang mahal pa niya ako. Hindi na. Dahil alam kong hindi na ako.

Kabanata 30

Kabanata 30

Worried

After that night happened, I acted like I never heard what he said. I even tried to suppress that thought in my mind whenever I come up with it. It’s been a week and two days with him alone. I can say that the bond between us is getting usual and wonderfully comfortable.

He used to sleep beside me on the bed and him touching me doesn’t have to be a big deal anymore. Nasasanay na rin ako na inaakbayan niya ako at paminsan ay yayakapin. I know that it sounds weird but seeing him being clingy with me doesn’t change the fact that he will get married soon. And it doesn’t make any change nor affect the interaction we used to have these days.

To be honest, it’s just fortified the relationship we have at the moment. And I’m thrilled about it but at the same time worried with all my thoughts about him. Sinusubukan kong pigilan ang kung anong nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya, I promise. But it’s just so hard to stop your heart from liking someone secretly… For loving someone whos unaware of your feelings that is veiling behind the curtains of truth. It’s just so fucking hard.

I hide the worriedness I’m feeling with an arrogant smirk as I glance at him. Nasa rancho kami ngayon at mangangabayo. We decided to do racing today, of course, I’m the one who challenged him to do it. At first, he wasn’t in favor to do racing with me dahil baka mapahamak lang daw ako. But since I keep on asking him about it, eventually he also gives in.

I know to myself that I can maneuver Irish far better now compared to my first time. Kaya wala siyang dapat na ipag-alala sa akin. Isa pa ay nandiyan naman siya at si Zavar na hindi man lang inaalis ang kanilang mga paningin sa akin at nakatutok lang sa akin buong oras sa tuwing mangangabayo ako.

“Wear your gloves properly, Neil,” Rhad said in seriousness nang makasakay na ako kay Irish.

Binalingan ko naman siya ng tingin at mayabang na nginisian. “Don’t be too bossy, Rhad. I will be fine, so calm down your ass.”

Seryoso naman ang mga mata nitong nakatitig lang sa akin habang ang hawak niya sa lubid ng kaniyang kabayo ay nakita kong higpitan niya. Mas lumawak naman ang ngising nakaguhit sa aking mga labi.

“Make sure to control your speed. I know that you are in command of Irish but please be careful.” Ani pa niyang muli sa matigas na tono na para bang nag-aalala siya ng todo kahit hindi pa man kami nagsisimula.

I pursed my lips and later rolled my eyes at him. “We will be racing here Rhad. Come on, I know what to do. Let us just start this.” I said, sounding in mockery. Nakita ko pa siyang mahinang mapabuntong hininga, looking so stressed because I’m not listening to him.

Hindi nagtagal ay naghanda na kami at pumunta na sa starting line. I tighten my grip on the rope I’m holding as I slightly lean my body forward. “Kung sino man sa inyong dalawa ang unang makapunta sa ilalim ng isang malaking puno sa itaas ng maliit na burol na iyon. There was a red flag waiting there under the tree, and whoever gets that flag first will win this race.” Zavar began.

Naramdaman ko namang balingan ako ni Rhadmus ng tingin kaya nilingon ko rin siya sa aking tabi. Ngunit nang marinig kong pumito si Zavar sa aming harapan ay awtomatiko kong binalik ang aking paningin sa kaniya.

“In the count of three, two, one.” He then suddenly blew his whistle after his counting.

Mabilis ko namang pinatakbo si Irish at nanguna ako kay Rhad. My hoarse gallops were so quick that I know I can win this race against him. Pero nang marinig ko ang malakas na kaluskos ng pagtakbo ng kabayo niya sa aking tabi ay napalingon ako sa kaniya.

He was looking at me when I turned my glance on him. Halos magkasabay na kami ng takbo, but I won’t let him win kaya naman ay mapang-uyam ko siyang nginisian bago ko binawi ang mga tingin ko sa kaniya at ihampas ng malakas ang tali kay Irish. My horse run double to its phase this time. Mabilis ang naging pagtakbo ni Irish dahilan para mas higpitan ko pa lalo ang pagkapit ko sa lubid niya. Dahil kung hindi ay siguradong titilapon ako.

I even fasten Irish speed nang maramdaman kong sumasabay na sa bilis ko si Rhad. The wind was brisk as it hit me along the way. The path we are racing is just a kilometer away, kaya dire-diretso lang din ang patakbo ko kaya alam kong hindi ako mahihirapang maipanalo ang karera na ito. However, I haven’t noticed the weather dahil abala ako sa pagpapatakbo kay Irish. Kumukulimlim na ang kalangitan at nangangalahati pa lang ako patungo sa burol na tutunguhan naming dalawa.

The weather is good bago kami nagsimula kanina, though it’s already windy kaya pala ngayon ay nagbabadya na ang kalangitan sa pag-ulan. I didn’t mind it and just continue what am I doing. I can feel Rhadmus distance almost behind me kaya naman napangisi ako ng malaki nang malingunan ko siya at makita ang madilim nitong hitsura. He looks so mad as I fastened the gallops of my horse and it made me feel the victory of this race.

“Bagalan mo lang ang patakbo!” Dinig ko ang malakas niyang sigaw habang sinusubukan niyang pantayan ang bilis ko, but he can’t, and I wonder why.

“We are in a fucking race, why would I lessen my speed? Hell no!” I answered loudly with a hint of mockery.

“Damn it!” I heard him curse which make the smirk on my lips grew wider. Do you want to catch me? Then win this race, motherfucker.

Kaya naman nang makakita ako ng puno ay iniliko ko ron si Irish. The path heading towards the red flag is just straight ahead at the side of the hill upward, and I opt to change the path so I can go there quickly. Niliko ko si Irish pakanan at mas pinabilis ang patakbo sa kaniya. I know a more convenient way patungo sa burol since I’ve been there at alam kong mas mapapabilis ako kung hindi ko susndan ang tamang daan dahil meron namang shortcut patungo ron.

Malakas ang hangin na sumasalubong sa akin. Makulimlim na ang kalangitan at nagbabadya na sa pagbuhos nito. Kanina ay maayos naman ang panahon bago kami nagsimula kaya hindi ko maintindihan at biglang uulan naman.

Dumiretso lang ako sa pagpapatakbo kay Irish at hindi inalintana ang panahon. Napansin kong nahiwalay ako kay Rhadmus at mag-isa na lamang ako sa daan na tinatahak ko. I creased my forehead when I realized that he didn’t follow me. Pagkaraan ay naramdaman ko ang malalaking patak ng ulan na tumama sa aking balat.

Napatingala ako sa kalangitan at bahagyang napapikit dahil sa mga patak ng ulan. I’m really fond of rain. It gives me peace, it makes me happy for some unknown reason. Hindi nagtagal ay unti-unting bumuhos ang malakas na ulan habang ako ay natatanawan na ang burol. Bumwelo ako para sa pag-akyat ni Irish at nang marating ko na ang burol na sinasabi ni Zavar ay natanawan kong wala pa siya ron.

Tinungo ko ang malaking puno at pinaikot ang kabayo patungo sa likuran niyon kung saan ko Nakita ang pulang flag. Napalingon pa ako sa taas ng borol bago ako bumaba sa aking kabayo. Mukhang ako ang nanalo. Dahil wala pa akong nakikitang ano mang bakas niya rito. Kinuha ko ang red flag at saka itinali si Irish sa gilid ng puno upang sumilong dahil sa lakas ng ulan.

The tree was huge at kahit papaano ay nasisilungan ako nito mula sa malakas na ulan. Subalit ang malakas na hangin ang bumabasa sa akin tangay ang malalaking patak na pagbuhos ng ulan. Ilang sandali pa akong naghintay sa ilalim ng puno para hintayin siya. I win this game and that’s for sure, kaya excited akong ipamukha sa kaniyang natalo ko siya.

Nasan na ba yon? Mukhang umatras na dahil alam na matatalo ko siya. Kaya naman nang mangalay ako mula sa pagkakatayo ay naisipan kong maupo muna sa ilalim ng puno. Mas lumakas ang buhos ng ulan ngayon at nagiging mahamog na rin ang paligid sa aking paningin. Hindi ko namamalayan ang oras kung ilang minute na ba akong naghihintay sa kaniya rito.

Kalaunan ay nakaramdam na rin ako ng lamig. Nasan na ba siya? Hindi na ba siya tumuloy dahil alam niyang maipapanalo ko rin naman ang karera na ito? But I don’t think so, he’s also competitive kaya imposible na iwanan niya akong mag-isa.

Pero nasaan na siya kung ganon? The wind was hauling the fog at my sight and I already feel cold at this point. I stood up from where I’m sitting at tinungo si Irish para kumustahin dahil sobrang lakas na ng ulan at ang hangin nitong humahampas sa nanginginig ko ng katawan. Hindi nagtagal ay nakaramdam na ako ng pangangatog habang yakap ang sarili na basang basa sa tabi ng aking kabayo.

Where the fuck are you Rhadmus? Aalis na nga ako. He’s probably not coming anyway. Kung ganito lang pala ang gagawin niya at iiwan akong mag-isa patungo sa burol na ito e’di sana si Zavar nalang pala ang hinamon kong mag-race, kung sa kalagitnaan ay iiwanan niya rin naman pala ako.

I’m not mad at him anyway, kung sinabi lang niya na hindi na siya tutuloy hindi na sana ako nag-abala pang manguna dito. Fuck. Padarag kong inilagay sa maliit na lagayan sa saddle ng kabayo ang red flag na nakuha ko. I’m going to leave this place even though the rain was pouring extensively. Dahil kung magtatagal pa ako rito ay baka hindi ko matagalan ang lamig.

Humawak na ako sa saddle ni Irish para sumakay na sa kaniya nang bigla kong marinig ang malakas na huni ng kabayo hindi kalayuan sa akin. Nakaangat na ang isa kong paa sa kabayo at handa na akong sumakay ng tuluyan. But when I heard his horse, agad akong bumaba kay Irish. At bago ko pa man malingon ang pinagmulan ng tunog ng kabayo na iyon ay natigilan ako nang maramdaman ko ang mainit na braso niya na sumakop sa aking katawan mula sa aking likuran.

“Fuck. I thought I lost you.” I heard Rhadmus’s huge shaky voice mumbled behind my ears as I felt his warm embrace wrapping me.

Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko. I felt numb by the cold rain and vast wind. Pero hindi ko alam kung ang mga yakap niya sa akin ang mas nagpamanhid sa akin ngayon. I then felt him tighten the embrace he was giving me on the stomach. Ramdam ko rin ang basang basa na niyang damit na nakadikit sa aking likuran.

He was breathing behind my ears and the warm air his releasing reached my neck that almost sent shivers down my spine. My lips parted. “W-What took you so long? Kanina pa ako naghihintay sayo rito.” I stutteringly asked as my heart began to beat rapidly.

Naramdaman ko namang humigpit pa lalo ang pagkakayakap niya sa aking katawan. I’m hesitant to hold his hands that wrap around my body. Subalit kinakabahan man ay hinawakan ko rin ’yon at marahang pinisil ang malamig niyang mga kamay. “Where have you been?” he then asked like he was so terrified.

I lick my lips even though the raindrops dampen it already for me. “Nandito lang ako kanina pa. I was waiting for you the whole time. I thought you back out, kasi naman hindi na kita nakita–”

“Don’t do it again, please. Don’t escape my sight that instant, Neil Irish. Never again. I was freaking worried looking out for you if you just know. Dimwit.” I heard him curse under his breath.

Napakunot naman ako ng noo sa sinabi niya. “What do you mean? Hindi naman ako nawawala, I just followed the shortcut so I can get here quicker than you can do.” Ani ko nang mapagtanto na hinanap niya pala ako! What the hell.

“I didnt know. Hindi ko namalayan na lumiko ka at nawala sa paningin ko. I was looking for you the whole time. The weather seems to be not good as well that’s why I’m hell as fuck worried for you.” He muttered huskily.

Malalim akong napalunok. Unti-unti naman niyang niluwagan ang pagkakayakap sa akin at saka kalaunan ay pinakawalan. I immediately turned around to face him. And there I saw how worried he was! His eyes were bizarre as it glances at me along with gloom. I did not blink. I just stared at his dimming eyes frowning at me with so much concern in adulation.

I never saw him this worried for me before. Kaya ang makitang ganito ang reaksyon ng kaniyang mga mata ay para bang namamalikmata lamang akong makita at matitigan ito. “I-I’m sorry,” I then muttered to him.

I don’t know but I feel guilty right now. Seeing him this shattered pinched my heart already in distress. He then held my face… jaw in particular as he neared his face to me. Our bodies were so close to each other as if it will ignite a fire amidst the strong wind that keep on striking us and the cold rain that soaked us deeply.

Halos maduling ang mga mata kong nakatingin sa seryoso niyang mga mata. But then my eyes drifted on his damp lips which caught my attention big time as he caressed my face delicately. His hands were cold but our distance burned me up from the cold we were feeling.

“I don’t want to race again with you. Pinag-aalala mo ako ng sobra.” Namamaos na boses niyang tugon.

Napasimangot naman ako. “Tss, baka dahil natalo lang talaga kita–” He immediately shut me off.

“I’m fucking worried Neil Irish, cannot you see? I don’t care if you win and I lose as long as you are safe, I also win the game in that case.”

I bit my lips at what he said. “But you have nothing to be worried about, alright? Nakarating ako rito sa burol ng ligtas. See?” Ani ko at ipinakitang ayos lang naman ako.

Nagdilim naman ang mga mata nitong tinitigan ako. Hindi pa rin niya binibitawan ang pagkakahawak sa aking pisngi at nananatili pa rin niya akong hinahaplos ron. “Even so, you are safe, hindi mo pa rin sinabi sa akin na iiba ka ng ruta patungo rito. Pa’no kung may nangyaring masama sa’yo? Ano nalang ang gagawin ko? Heck, you’ll kill me in so much worried Neil Irish.”

Mas napanguso ako lalo sa sinabi niya. “Fine, I’m sorry okay. I didnt mean to cause you trouble. At hindi ko rin gusto na mag-alala ka ng sobra.” Sabi ko sa mahinahong tono.

Hindi naman siya nakapagsalita ng ilang sandali at pinagmasdan lamang ako. Pagkaraan ay inalis na niya ang pagkakahaplos niya sa aking pisngi at seryoso na lamang na tinitigan sa mga mata. “Bumalik na tayo sa mansion. Pareho na tayong basang basa sa ulan dito.” He said after a bit long of deafening silence. I nodded.

Bumalik kami ng mansion at sabay na sinugod ang malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan. Part of me was still in guilt dahil hindi ko alam na ang ginawa kong pag-iba ng ruta patungong burol ay makakapag-alala sa kaniya. But the other part of me is feeling pleased knowing that he cared for me this massive. I feel like I made him worried big time and that keeps bothering me hanggang sa makabalik na kami ng mansion.

Hindi siya nagsasalita nang sabay kaming pumasok sa kwarto ko. Pinapanood ko naman ang bawat galaw niya at hinihintay siyang may sabihin sa akin. “Sa kwarto ko na ako maliligo. Clean up quickly dahil baka magkaskit ka.” Paalam niya sa akin sa seryoso pa ring tono na para bang galit siya dahil sa ginawa ko.

Hindi ko naman maiwasang maguilty dahil ron. “Sige,” simpleng sagot ko sa kaniya. Agad naman niya akong tinalikuran para lumabas na ng silid ko.

“Uhm, ah sandali lang–” habol ko sa kaniya ngunit hindi na niya ako nilingon at tuluyan ng lumabas ng aking silid.

Mahina na lamang akong napabuntong hininga habang pinagmamasdan ang pintuan kong kakasarado lamang niya. I blink and gape hard. I take my bath just as quick as he said dahil nilalamig na rin ako. At habang nasa loob ako ng bathroom ay hindi ko maiwasang isipin kung paano siya sobrang nag-alala sa ginawa ko kanina. To the point that it makes him so much upset.

Pagkalabas ko ng silid ay agad kong tinungo ang kwarto niya. Kumatok muna ako sa pintuan bago ako tuluyang pumasok sa kaniyang silid. Gusto ko siyang makausap at humingi muli ng paumanhin. Dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko siya gaanong sineryoso kanina, at ang tanging iniisip ko lamang ay ang nanalo ako at naisipan na lamang niyang mag-back out. When in fact is not. Because all he thinks was me, my safety, that’s why losing the race with me isn’t a big thing for him at all. And it’s my safety that signifies his winning.

My heart fluttered as I remembered him saying it a while ago. Pumasok ako ng kwarto niya pagkatapos ng ilang katok na ginawa ko. Sinuyod ng aking mga mata ang bawat sulok ng kaniyang silid nang mabuksan ko iyon. Natagpuan siya ng mga mata kong nakatayo sa tapat ng kaniyang kama, walang saplot pang-itaas at tanging suot lamang ang itim niyang cotton shorts. Hindi niya ako nilingon kahit pa alam niyang pumasok na ako sa loob.

I swallowed hard as I decided to approach him. “Are you mad?” bungad kong tanong sa kaniya mula sa kaniyang likuran. Tuwid lang siyang nakatayo sa harapan ko ngayon and I can already smell his cool fresh mint scent from the bath that invades my nostrils.

He wasn’t moving, not even a bit. At kahit magsalita ay hindi niya ako iniimik. Kaya naman mas lumapit pa ako sa kaniyang likuran at hinawakan siya sa braso… “Talk to me, please.” Mahina at malamyos ang malalim kong boses na sinabi.

I grit my jaw when he remained not responding to me. I was getting annoyed dahil hindi niya man lang ako kinikibo. I pulled his arm and force him to face me when I can’t control myself anymore. And there I saw his cold distant eyes watching me intently when he finally turn to face me.

My lips parted ad I stared at him deeply. “If you are still mad then I’m sorry. Please, I really didn’t mean to make you worried this much. I’m sorry, alright.” I said with conviction dahil hindi ko gusto na ganito niya ako tingnan at hindi kausapin lalo na at pakiramdam ko na ako ang may kasalanan.

But he didn’t say anything still. He remained stoic, jaw moving as his eyes dimmed on me. Kinuha ko na rin maging ang kaliwa niyang braso para hawakan siya sa dalawa niyang kamay kausapin lang niya ako. And when I didn’t get contented holding his both hands, at hindi pa rin niya ako pinapansin, I pulled him towards me and hugged him immediately.

Niyapos ko siya ng aking mahigpit na mga yakap. Then I burried my face in his iron-clad chest. I cal feel the coldness of his skin but I didn’t mind it. I embraced him and slowly locked my hand behind his back. If this is the only way to make him talk to me, I will.

“I’m sorry, Rhad. I’m sorry if pinag-alala kita ng husto. Please talk to me. I won’t do it again, I promise.” I mumbled as my lips touches the skin of his peck as I spoke. Hindi ko siya tiningnan sa mga mata nang sabihin ko iyon at nananatiling nakabaon ang mukha ko sa kaniyang dibdib.

“I’m sorry–”

“Shh, enough that’s enough.” His huge deep voice said as I started to feel his hand crawling on my waist up to my nape, hugging me back as well. Slowly, I lifted my gloomy eyes at him and our eyes met halfway. I saw his eyes drift on my parted lips as I felt him caress my nape which sent a different feeling on my stomach.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered so many times, but I never get tired of it just to make him feel alright again.

“Don’t do it to me again. Huwag mo na akong pag-aalalahin ng sobra ulit. Hindi ko kaya.”

Marahan ko naman na iniling ang aking ulo. Our eyes were locked on each other’s stare as it glints in so much affection. “I promise, Rhad. I promise. Just… Just don’t ignore me again, dahil hindi ko rin kaya ng hindi mo ako kinikibo.”

I saw his thick lashes flicker together with his lips parted. He bit it later on then it get damp. Slowly, I felt him caress my head and nod at me assuringly.

“I’m just really worried and I didn’t like what you did. I’m sorry if you feel like I’m ignoring you. I didn’t mean to.” His large voice muttered. “I won’t do it again.” He added in a deep husky voice. And I was left startled when after he said that, his lips touches my forehead.

Kabanata 31

Kabanata 31

Hold

Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman sa sitwasyong mayroon kami ni Rhdamus ngayon. Our bond together was becoming good and good as the days passed. We have never been this closed before and having this kind of relationship made me think of the possibilities– what if I told him that I like him, would it change the fact that he will like me back now that he’s getting married anytime soon?

Paano kung nagawa ko rin siyang gustuhin nung mga panahong gusto niya pa ako… Nung mga panahong sinasabi niyang mahal niya ako. Posible bang maging kami kahit pa na palihim ito? Kahit pa alam kong pagkakamali ang mahalin siya at gumawa muli ng isa pang pagkakamaling katulad ng nagawa ko na rin noon?

At that time I was preoccupied thinking about Kaizers’ situation, about my Arcoiris family. But now that I have been freed from the fold of my past and let go of the uncertainties of still becoming one of them, I realized that I have my own self to decide on my own. Not needing the opinion nor the say of anybody else…not even forcing myself on anyone else.

Kaya ang gustuhin si Rhadmus ngayon ay isang desisyon na pinipilit kong iwasang gawin. Not for my sake anymore but for the sake of my real family… always. I might hold myself back from liking him, but it still cannot change the fact that I want him indeed. And probably keeping these feelings to myself I have for him, is way safer to save everything I have. However, liking him would be a means of losing everything I have right now, and vice versa to him. At iyon ang ayaw kong mawala sa akin…sa amin.

“We only have two days together,” Aniya sa akin habang nagmi-mix ng all-purpose flour and baking soda sa isang mixing bowl. We planned to bake some cookies this noon dahil maulan ang panahon simula kahapon pa.

Binalingan ko naman siya ng tingin. “And so?” I asked him. What now if we only have two days alone together at uuwi na sila Lola ng mansion.

Nag-angat siya sa akin ng tingin. “I want more time with you alone.” He immediately replied to me. Napangiti naman ako at saka siya pinanliitan ng mga matang tiningnan.

“We can still have our own time alone even if they were here. So don’t think as if I’ll treat you differently when they back home.”

Nagbaba naman siya ng tingin sa hinahalo niya at inilagay muna ito sa gilid. Kinuha niya ang mixer at nakita kong ilagay niya ang temperature butter na nasa aking harapan nakalagay at paandarin ang mixer pagkaraan. As he waits for it to soften ay ibinalik niya muli sa akin ang kaniyang mga mata.

“It’s not that.”

“Then what?” I asked him wondering what does he mean.

He licked his lower lip before he spoke. “I just want quality time with you alone.” Seryoso nitong ani sa akin.

I blink as I felt my heart flutter at what he just said. Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa mixer at kinuha ko ang vanilla para lagyan ang butter at saka naman niya kinuha ang white sugar at brown sugar para ilagay rin iyon sa mixer. Pinaandar niya iyong muli at saka ako muling nag-angat sa kaniya ng tingin.

“I believe that the two weeks alone with me is already enough to what you mean by quality time together. Especially that we only have one week left before our summer end then you’ll be married after that.” I seriously muttered.

Mahina naman siyang napabuntong hininga. His both hands were resting on the countertop as I saw his shoulder lift for his soft sigh.

“Let’s go out tonight. If this is going to be our last quality time together, then let me go you out for tonight.”

Bahgya naman akong natigilan sa sinabi niya. Naglipat ako ng tingin patungo sa hinalo niyang flour kanina at kinuha iyon para ilagay na sa mixer, but then he suddenly stopped me. “You forgot to crack the egg first before you put that.” He reminded me as he cracked the egg into the mixer and later on I added the flour.

Pinanatili ko lang ang mata ko sa mixer na umaandar dahil hindi ko matagalan ang mag-angat ng tingin sa seryoso niyang mga mata. “Hey, I think you also forgot that you have something to respond with.” Mayamaya ay sabi niya sa akin. And there I bravely lift my glares at him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was a question. I thought it was just a statement.” I said, sounding in sarcasm even though I didn’t mean to. Tinaasan naman niya ako ng kilay na nakapagpaintimida sa akin. I then laughed awkwardly and looked down.

“I mean, yeah… sure. I can go out with you tonight.” I awkwardly answered kahit pa ramdam ko na ang malakas na pagpintig ng puso ko sa aking dibdib. At nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya muli ay hindi ko inasahang hinihintay niya pala akong tingnan siya at do’n ko nakita ang unti-unting pagsilay ng gwapo niyang ngiti.

I pursed my lips as I stare back at him shyly. “Thank you.” he simply said while the curved of his lips didn’t fade out easily.

Nag-iwas din naman agad ako ng tingin para tingnan ang mixer. At habang hinahanda ko ang baking sheet ay hindi rin ko rin magawang alisin ang palihim na ngiting nakaguhit sa aking mga labi habang iniisip ang kung saan kami pupunta ngayong gabi.

Naramdaman ko naman siyang lumakad at lumipat ng puwesto patungo sa aking tabi galing sa kabilang side ng countertop. At nang babalutin ko na ang nagawa naming dough para ilagay muna sa chiller for an hour bago namin ilagay sa oven ay nagulat nalang ako nang pahiran niya ako ng dough na kinuha niya sa bowl!

“What the,” I said in surprise. Nakangisi naman siyang nakatitig sa aking tabi ngayon nang balingan ko siya. And the smirk on his lips grew wider nang pahiran niya pa akong muli sa aking pisngi. Kaya naman agad akong dumutdot sa bowl para pahiran din siya sa bridge ng kaniyang ilong. Akma pa siyang iiwas pero dahil agad kong nahablot ang malaki at matigas niyang braso ay hindi na siya nakawala pa mula sa pagkakahawak ko sa kaniya.

Natatawa akong pinagmasdan siya nang sunod sunod kong pinahiran ang mukha niya at wala naman siyang ibang nagawa kung hindi ang mariin na ipikit na lamang ang kaniyang mga mata. “You started this, huh. Now I’ll put it to your face at huwag na tayong mag-cookies.” Natatawa kong ani sa kaniya habang siyang naman ay natatawa na rin sa pinaggagagawa naming dalawa.

Mayamaya pa ay mabilis siyang nakawala sa pagkakahawak ko sa kaniyang braso dahilan para siya naman ang gumanti ngayon. He immediately caught my both arms and then swiftly pushed me on the countertop na bahagyang nagpainda sa akin. “Damn you Rhadamanthus! You are so fucking rough!” Natatawa ko pang pahalyaw sa kaniya kahit pa naramdaman kong nasaktan ako ng bahagya sa ginawa niyang pagtulak sa akin dahilan para tumama ang likuran ko sa countertop.

But he just evilly smirk at me then saw him immediately slide his finger on the bowl beside me. Bahgya pa akong napalunok dahil habang ginagawa niya iyon ang kaniyang mga mata ay hindi naalis sa akin. And when he instantly coats up his finger, he suddenly swipes it on my cheek! Napaiwas naman ako but I was too late for it!

“I really like hard, and I know you too.” Malademonyo niyang sinabi sa akin habnag ang mga mata ay mapaglaro akong tinitingnan.

Napakagat labi naman ako ron. Pagkatapos ang dalawang kamay niya ay ibinakod niya sa magkabilang gilid ko, kinukulong ako at wala ng kawala pa sa mapaglaro niyang mga titig. Dumukwang pa siya ng bahagya dahilan para mapaliyad ako sa countertop dahil sa sobrang lapit na ng kaniyang mukha sa akin! His lips almost touched mine for goodness sake and he didn’t even seem to care at all! What the fuck!

“Fuck Rhadmus, sobrang lapit na ng mukha mo sa akin!” Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili ko dahil halos maghalikan na kaming dalawa sa sobrang lapit ng kaniyang mukha.

Hindi naman nag-iba ang malademonyong ngisi nito sa akin na animong tinutukso ako, fuck. “Shh, hindi naman kita hahalikan huwag kang mag-alala.” Namamaos ang malalim niyang boses na halos pabulong na niyang sinabi.

Mabiis ang pagpintig ng aking puso at maging ang pag-alpas ng aking dibdib ay para bang sasabog na ito ano mang oras. He was so close to me that it makes me breathless. His aristocratic nose even touched the tip of my nose in so much bit distance we only have right now.

“H-Hindi na natin to mabe-bake.” I stutteringly said, pertaining to the dough we made for the cookies later. I look away from his playful evil stares and turn my gaze at the bowl beside me.

“Bakit naman hindi?” He asked while his eyes remained staring at me indulgently. I gulped and face him again. Hinarap ko siya ulit at agad kong inilayo ang aking mukha dahil mahahalikan na niya ako tangina! Damn it!

“P-Pa’no ba naman dinutdot-dutdot mo na! pahalyaw kong sabi sa kaniya.

At nang maramdaman kong mangalay ako sa pagkakaliyad ng aking katawan sa countertop para hindi lang maglapat ang aming mga labi ay agad akong humawak sa malapad niyang magkabilang balikat. Kumapit ako ron at nakita ko kung paano kong nahapit at nagusot ang puting v-neck t-shirt niyang suot at marumihan iyon dahil sa dough na nasa daliri ko pa. Nakita ko namang gumalaw ang panga niya at sundan ng matalim niyang mga mata ang kamay kong mahigpit na ngayong nakaangkla sa magkabila niyang balikat.

“Damn, you almost kissed me Rhadmus sa sobrang lapit mo sa akin.” My voice almost tremble but I struggled my best not to when I say that.

I notice his eyes getting sharper at what I said. “I won’t, don’t worry. At isa pa, I only want to taste if the dough we made was already good enough to my taste.” He muttered sexily in my ears.

Pinangilabutan naman ako ron at saka malalim na napalunok. Para bang may nakabara sa aking lalamunan at nahihirapan ako sa paghinga. I feel so hot kahit pa na malamig ang panahon sa labas dahil maulan. Probably because our body touches one another and my heart beats knocking me out at the same time inside my chest.

Sinusubukan kong labanan ang mariin at mapaglaro niyang mga mata na ani mong mga apoy na rumireplekta sa aking paningin. He licked his luscious lips which made me drift my eyes on them.

“P-Pwede mo namang tikman sana kanina at hindi ka na nakipagpahiran sa akin, the heck.” Malakas ang kabog ng aking dibdib matapos kong sabihin iyon.

“But I want to taste it from you.” His voice already alluring me and my mind was not responding accurately at this point.

Kaya naman nang mas ilapit pa niya ang kaniyang mukha sa akin ay hindi na ako lumiyad pa palayo. I let him near his face to me. I didn’t shut my eyes nor blink as his face got closer to mine. At first, I thought he will going to kiss me, but when I felt his tongue reach the side of my cheek where the dough he put on my face a while ago is, I almost groan.

My back automatically arched while my grip on his both shoulders tightened which make me crumple his shirt even more. He fucking tastes the dough from my cheek. He licks it once and I thought he was already done. But when I felt his damp hot tongue lick my cheek once again, I felt the hair from the upper part of my nape arise. Napaawang naman ang aking mga labi, while my eyes hooded at the unknown sensation he was giving me.

“You taste so good– I mean the cookies we’re doing will turn out good and I’m sure of it.” He murmured in a husky deep voice and tilted his head again.

I then poked his chest when I realized what he had just done to me even though my mind was still overwhelmed and can’t get over it at that instant. “What the hell did you just do Rhadmus.” I probed sheepishly.

His eyes narrowed. My heart twitched and my stomach clenched. “Tinikman ko lang yung ginawa natin. You can try to taste it as well.” He said temptingly with a little evil smile plaster on his lips. He used his index finger and wipe the dough I put on the side of his lips then bring it afterward to his mouth and tasted it while his slaughter eyes locked on mine.

I gape. He is fucking tempting me for goodness sake. And seeing him this way made me want to fall into this crap. “Taste it, Neil.” His huge deep voice enthralled me to lick the side of his lips where the dough was in.

My mind was reverberating about so many things whether I will do it or not but it was just my heart who is surfacing the emotion I’m feeling right now.

Kaya naman sa mabagal na paraan, I began to slowly near my face to the side of his lips. My breath hitched as my heart began to beat rapidly. And in no time, I knew my tongue licked the side of his lips and tasted the dough we made. Napapikit ako. And as I slowly open my eyes, his hooded eyes met mine. I damp my lips and savor the taste of it on his skin. “Damn… it really tastes so good,” I mumbled dimly as I stared at him sharply.

A cocky smirk crept on his lips. “I told you… It tastes damn fucking good.”

My lips hung open and I can’t believe what just happened. For some reason, I wanted more but deeply I know what I am doing isn’t normal anymore. My mind wanted to push him off, but my heart keeps on dissuading it. I’m not scared. I’m not worried, tasting him won’t be that bad, I guess? Or it will torment me later on.

I immediately unclasped my tight grip from his shoulders and distant myself from our very close distance when I suddenly realize what we are doing. Napansin niya ang ginawa ko kaya naman ay agad din siyang humiwalay sa akin at inalis ang magkabilang brasong kumukulong sa akin mula sa countertop. I swiftly removed myself from the haul he made to me and turned my back on him abruptly. Kinuha ko ang plastic wrapper at binalutan na muna ang bowl. I keep myself busy and walk towards the chiller so I can put there the cookies were about to make.

Ramdam ko ang mga tingin niyang tumatagos mula sa aking likuran at pinagmamasdan ang bawat galaw ko. He remains silent as he watched me do my thing to loosen up from what just happened. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa siya kakausapin matapos ang nangyari. We didn’t kiss, but I consider what we did was just the same to it. And I can’t seem to look at him because of what I did for what we did.

“I’m sorry,” Halos sabay pa naming sinabi nang harapin ko siya. Nagkatitigan kami at ramdam ko ang diin sa kaniyang mga tingin, habang ako ay halatang hindi naging kumportable sa nangyari.

“Go on,” He then spoke after a little bit long of staring at each other. Binasa ko pa muna ang aking labi bago ipinagpatuloy ang aking sasabihin. I looked away when I can’t seem to stare longer at his extremely expressive eyes.

“A-Ano kasi, aakyat muna ako sa kwarto ko.” Bigla kong ani nang hindi ko mahanap ang tamang mga salita na sasabihin sa kaniya at saka ako muling nag-angat ng tingin pabalik.

His eyes flickered as his jaw moved tightly. Then he looked away. “Alright. Let’s see each other later tonight.” His deep voice uttered.

Umakyat na ako ng aking silid na gulong gulo ang isip. We will go out tonight and I didn’t even know where our destination will be. Hindi ko na nagawa pang tanungin siya kanina dahil sa ilang na nararamdaman ko sa nangyari. I don’t want to think about it too much dahil may lakad pa ako na dapat paghandaan. I don’t want to overthink what happened in the kitchen, instead of dwelling too much about it I shall assume that it doesn’t mean anything.

I enter my room and head towards my walk-in closet to prepare my things and clothes to wear. And as I roamed my eyes inside my closet, I heard my phone beep. I immediately reached for it in my pocket and see who it was. I read his name and immediately read his message.

-Rhadamanthus

I’ll be waiting for you in the living room. See you at five, sharp.

Napakurap-kurap pa ako pagkatapos basahin ang kaniyang mensahe. It’s already four on my clock and I only have an hour to prepare! Damn it. He knew that I spent almost two or more so hours preparing myself whenever I leave. And informing me that we are about to leave before an hour is terrifying me.

Wala naman akong sinayang na oras at agad na akong nagtungo ng shower room matapos kong mahanap ang tamang damit na susuotin. Nagmamadali ako sa bathroom kahit pa halos isang oras ang usual kong itinatagal kapag hindi nagmamadali. Nagkukumahog pa akong nagbihis ng damit at nagkakandarapang bumaba ng hagdanan dahil halos sampung minuto na akong nahuli sa usapan naming pagkikita sa living room.

It’s not my fault at all. If he just informed me earlier at hindi na siya nakipagharutan sa akin kanina e’di sana ay nakatupad ako sa oras na dapat naming pagkikita.

“I’m here!” I shrieked as I catch my breath pantingly from rushing downstairs. Natanawan ko siyang tumayo mula sa kaniyang pagkakaupo sa sofa nang matanawan ako nitong pababa na ng hagdanan.

“You are just ten minutes late and I don’t mind it.” He started.

Malalim akong napalunok sa sinabi niya. I know that being late is a huge mistake for him, especially that his a sharp person and not used to late comings. And favoring me as late is a big deal to me. Pinagmasdan ko siya ng ilang sandali at don ko lang napuna ang kaniyang suot kalaunan. He’s wearing a trouser suit, a very casual one, sported by his sleek black Balenciaga casual boots. He looks extremely dashing wearing it, even though shirtless he’s always flamboyant as hell. I glace at him from head to toe and it feels like he’s wearing an extravagant suit for this special night.

“You look gorgeous fine man tonight.” He complimented me while his eyes stared at me in sharp awe. He looks so serious, but his eyes were amazingly masking it but I’m good at seeing what’s behind it. He seems to be in astonishment as he glances at every bit of me. The way his lips twitch, I already knew how pleased his heart is seeing me coming out with him for tonight.

“As always, but thanks,” I simply muttered to his flattering remark to me.

Seryoso lang ang kaniyang ekspresyon at hindi mababakas ang ano mang ekspresyon. Inilahad niya ang kamay niya sa akin pagkaraan na ikinagulat ko pa. My eyes widened a fraction, but I didn’t let him see it.

“May I take your hand for tonight? Perhaps you allowed me to do it so.” His deep large voice made my heart thump as he offers me his hand to hold. I glance at his massive hand then lifted my eyes at his serious glares at me.

Without any hesitation, ipinatong ko ang kaliwa kong kamay pagkaraan at tipid na lamang siyang nginitian bilang pagtugon sa kaniyang tanong. I felt him stiffen at first when I held him and the stunned on his face was very evident this time. Kaya naman bago pa siya makabawi sa gulat na naramdaman niyang pumayag akong hawakan ko siya ay nagpatiuna na akong hawakan ang kamay niya ng mahigpit.

“Let’s go?” I asked him casually excited with a small smile plastered on my lips.

“I wish I can hold your hand this way once again after this night with me after our summer together. And more so, even if I’m married, I want to hold you still.” His raucous deep voice made the small smile on my lips pause and slowly began to vanish in marvel at what he just said.

Our eyes locked on each other as he stared at me piercingly. His jaw move before his tiny luscious lips began to speak once again. “I want to hold you and I wish you will let me still.”

Kabanata 32

Kabanata 32

Like

His words inflicted on me big time. It’s hurting me, honestly. Hindi man gustong pabulaanan ng aking isipan ang mga salitang binibitawan niya sa akin, ang paraan naman ng pagtrato niya sa akin sa ilang linggo na naming magkasama na dalawa, ay hindi maiwasang maramdaman ng puso ko na natatangi ito.

I hate to admit myself but the truth of me liking him is getting more intensive each second, minute, hour, day, and week as it passes by. The more I tried to quell it, the more I became anxious with his every deed, and I can’t help but take it differently. I don’t fucking want to assume, because it is not my thing. But what is this night out all about? Where are we going as well? And his words… his phrases… it’s sending me signals that I badly wanted him to fulfill everything I am thinking.

Nalilito ako at naguguluhan sa kaniya. Or it’s not what I’m thinking dahil ako lang naman ito na iba ang iniisip sa kaniya. I want this night out to be memorable to me if this is what it is meant to be. However, if this is something to mark the feelings I have been keeping for some time now, I will. Dahil ayaw ko ng umasa at bigyan ng pakahulugan ang mga bagay na ginagawa at sinasabi niya sa akin.

Tahimik at walang kibo akong nakaupo sa front sit ng sasakyan niya. Almost five-thirty na nang nakaalis kami ng mansion kanina. Hindi ko pa alam kung saan kami patungo and it’s been an hour already simula nang bumiyahe kami. Madilim na ang daan at mukhang malayo pa kami.

“I brought you some pillows in the backseat. You can take a nap if you like.” Sinulyapan niya ako at mabilis ding ibinalik ang paningin sa daan.

Lumingon naman ako sa backseat at nakita ko nga ron ang isang malambot na unan. Inabot ko iyon dahil nakakaramdam na rin ako ng antok. I reclined my seat so I can lay properly.

“We are heading where Rhad?” hindi ko na napigilan pang itanong habang pinagmamasdan siyang seryosong nakatingin sa kalsada.

“Baguio. We will be staying at my rest house there for tonight. Malayo layo pa tayo so you can take a nap if you feel exhausted.”

Ganon nga ang ginawa ko buong biyahe. I removed my blazer and hang it at the backseat. Nakatulog ako halos buong biyahe at hindi naman niya ako ginising. Nang maalimpungatan ako, pag-angat pa lamang ng talukap ng aking mga mata ay imahe agad ng magandang mukha niya ang naaninagan ko. His face was a bit blur but I am so sure that it was him. Malapit ang kaniyng mukha sa akin at ramdam kong hinahaplos niya ang aking pisngi.

“Hey, wake up. We are here.” Namamaos ang boses nitong sinabi sa akin.

Napakurap kurap ako nang mapagtanto kong hindi na nga umaandar ang sasakyan namin at nandito na kami sa tapat ng resthouse. At nang rumehistro sa akin ang malinaw na niyang imahe ay agad akong bumangon at inilayo ang aking mukha sa kaniyang katawan na nakadikit na rin sa akin. I cleared my throat and roam my eyes elsewhere shrugged off his closeness to my body.

“Let’s get outside,” aniya pang muli at nagpatiuna siyang lumabas ng sasakyan. I was about to open the door beside me as well so I can go out when he suddenly open the door for me from outside. Nagkatinginan kami ng ilang saglit pagbukas niya niyon at agad naman akong nag-iwas pagkaraan.

“Thank you,” I simply thanked him. Saktong dinig kong pagsarado niya ng pintuan ay siya namang pagkamangha ko sa lugar.

Agad akong napayakap sa aking sarili nang ang malamig na hangin sa Baguio ay dumampi sa aking balat. It’s already night and the city lights below are the perfect view here from the top of a hill. Madilim na ang paligid pero hindi ko maikakaila ang ganda ng lugar.

Napalingon ako sa kaniya mula sa aking gilid nang maramdaman kong isuot niya sa aking balikat ang suit na suot niya kanina. Akmang aalisin ko naman iyon sa pagkakalagay niya sa aking likuran nang pigilan niya ako.

“Wear it, it’s cold here.”

“But I have mine, I just left it in the back seat of your car. Kukuhanin ko lang sandali–”

“Ako na.” Putol niya sa aking sinasabi at saka kinuha ang blazer ko sa kotse. Mabilis lang iyon kaya ilang sandali pa ay agad din siyang nakabalik. I was about to return the coat he gave me when he slid his huge arms on my blazers.

“Let’s exchange for now.” Tumango na lamang ako sa kaniya bilang pagsang-ayon habang sinusuot niya iyon na nagsakto naman sa kaniyang katawan. “Pumasok na tayo sa loob, everything is ready inside and I know you already are starving.” Kalaunan ay aniya.

Nauna siyang naglakad sa akin and I thought he will walk past me but I was wrong. Dahil inakbayan niya ako at sabay kaming naglakad papasok ng kaniyang rest house. Napatingin naman ako sa kamay niyang nakaakbay sa akin at bahagyang pinipisil ang aking kanang balikat.

“I knew you will like this place, am I right?” He asked as we walk along the pathway of pebbles towards his rest house which looks like a huge penthouse. The only difference is not at the top of the building but at the top of the hill.

Agad ko namang inalis ang aking paningin sa kamay niyang nakaakbay sa akin at nilingon siya sa aking tabi. “Definitely, yes I like your place. It seems wonderful.”

He smiled at me a bit. “You’re a nature lover and I can tell, that’s why I know that bringing you here would make you happy.” He confided.

Matamis ko naman siyang nginitian. So thoughtful…

“If you are wondering I have maids here earlier who prepared our dinner. Pinaalis ko na muna sila so we can spend our own time together.”

Pumasok kami sa loob ng rest house and the lights automatically turned on. Namangha naman ako kahit papaano sa ganda nitong rest house niya. It was a modern design architecture that was made of glass walls. The reason why is from the outside you can already see what is inside but not that vivid since the lights inside were off a while ago.

My eyes were roaming at his wooden look ceiling that gives me rustic home vibes as he headed me towards his living area. The interior of the house was more on the contemporary edge, the surfaces were very seamless as the stainless steel interspersed with modernist furnishings, such as the chairs and lounge in the main living area and the eye far-sighted kitchen table at the dining, which are distinctly modern in aesthetic.

This place isn’t that cold at all, however it intimidates and welcomed the people with its cozy feel. From its white marble walls and black edges post mixed with the rustic brown ceiling and black, grey, and bucolic furniture, it was a perfect place to go.

“Tranquil, isn’t it?” I heard him spoke as he guided me toward the backdoor of their kitchen going towards the patio outside. My eyes never leave his back right after he said that. I didn’t say anything and it was just my eyes that appear to tell a lot.

I watched him glide through the double-glazed sliding doors and go out first as I followed him immediately. The moment I stepped my feet outside, the breathtaking view made me parted my lips in astonishment as my eyes sparkle in bewilderment. This place really defines tranquility. I then turn my glimpse at Rhadmus way who seems watching my every reaction the whole time.

He was standing taller in front of me when he suddenly grabbed my hand and held me. “Do you like it?” he asked in a serious manner. Caressing my hand when I didn’t protest and just let him hold me.

I felt my heart thumped as my eyes drift down to where my hand he is holding. I then tried to plaster a soft smile on my lips. Slowly, I nodded my head while my gaze lift back to his face with a glint of relish. “I love it.” I then muttered as if it was my heart who said it.

I saw how his lips curved into a thrifty smirk, preventing himself to plaster a grin. “I know you do.” He said confidently.

I smacked his chest and rolled my eyes. Well, in all honesty, I can’t underestimate him. Especially that he knows stuff about me, somehow, probably because of my action and response when it comes to nature. He started to know me very well I believe.

“We will stay here for tonight. But if you want we can stay here at least until tomorrow noon.” He told me as we walked towards the glass barricade.

I blink and sense the side of my lips extended in bliss. “Until tomorrow noon, please,” I responded like a happy kid who seems so fond of the place where he brought me. I then saw him simply nod his head with a grin finally crawling on his sexy lips. “Alright.”

I can’t hide the astonishment in my eyes as well as the happiness that my heart found in this place even though it’s already night. The view here from his patio deck is really breathtaking. What’s more if the sun has already been up, my heart will probably be full for staying here even just for a short period of time.

There is a glass wall that barricades the deck from the cliff beyond. We are situated on a high level and the farsighted city lights below- together with nature made the view magical for me. But what makes this night more nostalgic is the table near the glass wall barricade and the man who pulled a chair for me to sit in. Pinasadahan ng aking mga mata ang lamesa kung nasaan nakahain ang masasarap na pagkain na nakahanda para sa aming dalawa ngayong gabi.

There was a scented candle on it but what caught my attention as I get neared the chair that Rhad pulled for me was the red roses. And when his veiny huge hand grabbed the roses from the table and faced me, I felt the rumbling beats of my heart begin to beat me up.

I was now standing at the side of my chair while his, standing proudly in front of me as he handed me the three red roses. His eyes were in gravel as he stares at me. “Please take it,” he said in seriousness as the warm lights from the candle resembling on his dim eyes.

Napatingin naman ako sa tatlong pulang rosas na hawak niya. I didn’t stare at it for long and instantly I gape hard as I accept it. I sniffed the three roses and smelled the great scent it holds. And as I inhaled, I slowly lift my eyes to his daring glares at me. Then slowly, a small smile crept on my soft lips. “Thank you,” I wholeheartedly said.

My mind began to be preoccupied with his glares and I can’t help but reciprocate them as I take my sit in front of him. His undeniably immaculate handsomeness glowed in the gleam of candles as I watched his grace sitting in front of me. And I can’t take away my stare out of him that instant. I don’t know but I just can’t… I just want to stare and savor his grace in front of me… under the night sky above us.

“Red roses suit you better, even though I know you prefer white roses.” He told me that made my eyes widen a fraction.

Hindi naman ako nag-iwas ng tingin sa nangungusap niyang mga matang nakapirmi lang sa akin. “Everything suits me, I believe. It will just depend on the confidence of the person who will give it to me.”

Nakita kong mag-igting ang kaniyang panga. His eyes were dim, but I can feel how many words it entails as he stared at me in seriousness. Hinintay ko siyang may sabihin ngunit nag-iwas na lamang siya sa akin ng tingin at tinungo na ang kaniyang upuan.

We started our dinner silently and I can sense his every stare on me. Even though I wanted to pay attention to it, I tried not to. Maybe because of being around him the past few weeks, I get used to it as I started to gain back the confidence I had lost once with him. I remained in silence as I savor the great taste of food, the wonderful place, also the person that dines in front of me.

I lift my glance from my plate when he poured my glass flute of Goût De Diamants champagne. The clenched of his sculpted jaw didn’t escape my eyes as he poured my glass. And when his eyes from the champagne goes to me, I smirked at him. We clink our glasses before we drink, and I can’t seem too off the soft smile scattered on my lips as I sipped on my glass. While him, sipping at his glass as his eyes remained staring at me intensely dark. I licked my lips immensely before I put down my flute on the table.

I hate to think that we are on a date. Because having this kind of intimate setup at the hilltop, with the magnificent view, beautiful rest house, delicious food… red roses… and a handsome man in front of me completing it. I don’t want to assume that it is, but my heart thinks of it that it is.

“Is this your first time receiving a flower?” He then asked me after a deafening silence between us.

I lift my glares at him. We already finished our main course, and we are halfway through our dessert. “It wasn’t my first time,” I replied as I remembered who was the first person who gave me flowers.

I’m a man and giving flowers to a lot of women back then was my thing. But when I and Kaizer happened, there is a lot of things that have been changed. And receiving a flower for the first time from a man was with him. I cannot deny how many first time I had with him, but it has to be forgotten.

Looking at Rhadmus menacing stares at me right now made me think that loving him would be more perilous. Maybe. Probably much different from what Kaizer and I before had executed. Because this time the person I will be with is the person who runs with the same blood as mine.

“So who was that first who gave you flowers before me?” He asked making me flicker. His question made me look away from our stares. The smirk I have plastered on my lips a while ago slowly fades away as I drift my eyes at the city lights.

Ayaw ko mang isipin ang nakaraan ko pero bakit tila ibinabalik ito ng tadhana. It’s been years and it doesn’t affect me anymore, but I don’t understand the sudden strange beating of my heart right after he asked me that.

“Is this the person you reasoned out to me before the reason why you cannot love me back?”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. “Is he that special to you? he added menacingly.

I clenched my jaw. “He is… But it was before. And he will never be that special to me ever again.”

“So, he’s a guy.” He said in a statement form.

Mabilis kong ibinalik ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Naramdaman kong manlamig ang katawan ko. He said it like he confirmed something about me, and that is I’ve been in love with a man before. His eyes were deep with menace, but the hint of pain scattered for seconds as I stared at it in stunned.

“Rhadmus–”

“I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to understand and to know what the real Neil is… So please, let me.” Malalim ang boses nitong nangungusap na ani sa akin.

I felt my eyes tremble. Na para bang wala ng takas pa… wala ng lihim pa na dapat na itago sa kaniya.

“Even I, before I loved you back then… I questioned myself. What the fuck am I? I didn’t know what I was before not until I realized that I’m starting to like you. No. I’m starting to love you–”

“Rhadmus please stop.” Ani ko nang hindi ko alam kung saan patungo ang usapan namin na ito. “Ayaw ko ng balikan ang kung anong mayroon sa atin noon. You are engaged and I can’t be with you so stop bringing your past feelings here.” I said, frightened, surprised by his sudden change of topic.

Natigilan naman siya. Nakita kong magtiim bagang siya at madilim ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin. I look away when his hostile eyes narrow me in gravel.

“Do you still like him? Your past?” He asked in a husky deep voice.

Para namang may pumiga sa puso ko nang tanungin niya ako non. I know deeper to myself that I loved Kaizer more than anyone else. But separating from him for good made me realize that true love set each other free. It’s not being selfish, it’s being selfless to save one another’s life.

“You don’t need to answer it. I can already tell.” Rhadmus the confided when I didn’t speak.

Gusto ko mang sabihin sa kaniya ang totoo ay hindi na ako nagtangka pa. Dahil para saan pa ba? Ngayon na alam kong kahit kaming dalawa ay wala rin namang pag-asa. Kahit pa may parte sa puso ko na gustong aminin sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko para makalaya na ako. But I can’t find the courage to tell him. Pakiramdam ko ay mawawasak lang ako kapag sinabi ko sa kaniya ang totoo. And I can’t seem to handle it.

I saw in my peripheral vision that he stood up from his seat. Napatingala ako sa madilim na kalangitan na walang bituin na nagkikislapan. The weather is cold and our distance right now made it colder for me. I feel like because of that conversation, it tears us apart again.

“Rhadmus,” I called him nang makita ko siyang tumayo sa tapat ng babasaging barikada. Nakapamulsa siyang nakatalikod sa akin. Gayunpaman, kahit hindi ko nasisilayan ang kaniyang hitsura ay ramdam ko kung gaano kaseryoso at kalalim ang kaniyang iniisip.

I stood up from my sit and approach him slowly. Tumayo ako sa kaniyang tabi at mariing nagtiim bagang na tinanaw ang city lights sa ibaba. Naramdaman ko ang malakas na simoy ng malamig na hangin na dumampi sa aking balat at hindi ininda ang lamig na dulot nito.

“Thanks for the dinner I enjoyed the food and this place, it was wonderful,” I said, lighting up the humid air between us.

“It wasn’t just a dinner just so you are aware. But I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

I stiffened at what he said. I felt my heart skip its beat and then began to race pantingly afterward. “R-Rhad–” I said as I stifle. Then deliberately, I turned my gaze beside him.

“It was a date, Neil Irish. I made this night for us two.” He said with his deep huge hoarse voice then tilted his head at me. Then looked at me indulgently.

Our eyes met and I can’t help but stare at him deeply. “D-Date?” I asked in astonishment, eyes widened.

He then slowly nodded his head. “Yes, our last date together.” He muttered huskily. His eyes were now in the glint of gloom but it immediately turned into a cold gaze.

Para namang piniga ang puso ko sa sinabi niya. I don’t want this to be our last. I don’t want this to be our end. But if the feelings I have for him will be told, will this make a prequel for us two? I told myself just weeks ago that I wanted to be selfish this time. And if it means revealing to him the feelings I have been suppressing for months now, I will.

Hinarap ko siya at mariing tinitigan ang malalim at nangungusap niyang mga mata. I felt my lips tremble in so much nervousness. And as my eyes drift down to his grim lips, I licked mine. And there I realized that I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted him. Just all of him even it partakes the everything I have right now… even our family… his engagement…

“I don’t love him anymore Rhadmus. I already buried my past long ago.” I started. I then saw him lick his luscious thin lips as he keeps staring at me immensely.

“Sana noon pa. Sana noon mo pa nagawang kalimutan siya–” I opt to cut him off.

“The wounds he left me before were fresh. I tried moving on and I did. Now that I already moved on… I’ve lost you.” I muttered almost breathily the last phrases I got for him.

I saw how his eyes formed in widened as his lips parted in bewilderment. His brow met halfway, and the glint of his eyes darkened more as he stares at me menacingly… Confused.

“W-What do you mean?” his hostile deep voice asked, astounded.

I grit my teeth and didn’t blink as I narrowed my eyes at him in weariness. I gulped hard. “I learned of liking you, Rhadmus… Yet I was too late to recognize my feelings for you… And now I’m losing you.”

“Neil…” namamaos ang malalim niyang boses na tawag sa akin.

I bit my lips and didn’t look away. “However, I want you to know that I like you Rhad… I like you a lot.”

Kabanata 33

Kabanata 33

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“What did you say?” I heard him ask in astonishment. His dim eyes darken as it widens glinting at me.

My lips parted and my breath hang as I stared at him wearily, weak and shattered. I didn’t mean to tell this to him, but my heart keeps haunting me. It was taunting me to the bones that existing beside him is my everyday chance of confessing what my real feelings really are. And I can’t prey myself to lose the only chance I have with him this time… this night.

“I like you Rhadmus and I know that you don’t feel the same way anymore.” My husky voice uttered once again…hoping at the very least of my imagination.

Nakita ko kung paanong mas magdilim ang mga mata niyang mariing nakatitig sa akin ngayon. Nagulat. Nabigla… Hindi makapaniwala ang ekspresyon sa likod ng dilim na iyon. And as the dark of his eyes glimmered in my sight, I get weaker and weaker. I grit my teeth in the belief that after this confession I made he will probably ignore me. And the worst is that I ruined the magnificent start we ever had together the whole summer.

Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin. He holds the railings of the glass wall barricade in front of us as he leaves me staring at him. Tanaw ko ang mas madilim na ekspresyon ng kaniyang mga matang nakatanaw sa madilim na tanawin kahit pa na kalahati lamang ng mukha niya ang aking nakikita. His jaw clenched and I gaped really hard. I don’t know what to do, because now he looks mad.

“Rhadmus I’m sorry if I have to say this to you. I know that it’s too late, but I want you to know that I’m not expecting you to reciprocate whatever my feelings are for you.”

His body moved and tilted on my side. His narrowed eyes showed on me. I felt myself stiffen from his dark glares. “How come you have the guts to say this kind of thing to me now?” his hostile voice muttered that sending me shivers.

I swallowed hard and dampened my lips before I spoke. “Because I know that I’m sure this time… That I like you.”

He shook his head. “So you have been liking me since then.” He said with conviction. Sounding like a statement and not a question. “You liked me since then…” He muttered with anguish visible in his eyes.

I blink as I felt my heart rapidly beating inside the cage of my chest. I don’t want to look away from our intense gazes right now but I just can’t stare long at his fragile eyes. Like it’s been breaking because of me. As if it was been repaired back then and now getting shattered by my stupid confession.

“Tell me… Enlighten me, Neil. I want to know where you start liking me. I want to hear from you when you start recognizing your feelings for me. Tell me when was the time you realized that I’m stupidly in love with you… trying to reach out for your love too.” His husky voice is making my legs quiver as the cold brisk wind hit me.

Napahawak ako sa barikada sa aking harapan at tinanaw ang city lights sa ibaba. “H-Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam na magugustuhan kita Rhadmus. I-It just came out of the blue and then later on I realized that… I like you too.” I said with my voice timid, trying to sort things out in my head as I find the right words to say.

I didn’t hear anything from him this time. But as my peripheral vision hit his side, his sharp hostile stares piercing on me. “Humarap ka sa’kin. Tell me everything about your feelings to me,”

“I like you and that’s already it, Rhadmus. This confession I made is nowhere else to go. So please, I want us to make this up and forget that you heard everything that I’d said… Dahil ayos na ako sa kung ano tayo ngayon.” Ani ko sa kaniya, nananatiling hindi siya hinaharap sa aking tabi. But when I realize that if I really wanted us to end, I have to face him as a man.

Slowly, I tilted myself to finally face him. My eyes were still on the floor, frightened to see the agony I have seen a while ago in the shadows of his eyes. I don’t want to hurt him. And I know I won’t but seeing him being ravaged by what just I have said, scares me.

I lift my weary eyes at him, and there I saw the shadow I don’t want to see. Because somehow, I’m still hoping that there will be us at the end. And showing me this agony he’s partaking through his eyes is giving me hope… That maybe he still likes me… love me.

“Just out of the blue you realized that you like me. Is that what you’re trying to say? Tss, I can’t believe you.” He said, a bit furious now. Disappointed by what I just said.

“I do Rhad. I was blinded by my past and that’s the reason why I didn’t recognize my feelings for you.”

“Really? Or you just, later on, learn to like me–”

“I don’t know! All I know is that I’m missing you. When you leave after that night at the parking lot and flew away abroad… I miss your presence. I miss your voice. I miss your efforts even though I’m pushing you away. I miss your scent. I miss your eyes. I miss seeing you after my school… I just fucking miss everything about you.” I burst when I can’t handle my feelings for him anymore.

I saw him stiffened at his place. He didn’t move while his eyes remained staring at me, but this time with a glint of surprise. I catch my breath when I realize that I’m breathing pantingly.

I took a step near him. His jaw moved. My heart was racing as it get through my head that the distance between us was just an inch away. I look up at him and gaze at him with weary eyes. “If ever that I only learn to like you… sana nung una palang ginagawa ko ng pag-aralang gustuhin ka, para hindi na ako nasaktan… Para hindi ko na kailanganin pang magbago.”

I then felt my eyes form a tear when my past back then with Kaizer flashed on my mind. When the pain and the dilemmas we have been through struck me big time like it just happened yesterday. It wasn’t easy and I know that it will never be. And moving on from it takes courage and bravery. Facing the circumstances alone bruised me and healing myself alone was a beautiful catastrophe.

I saw confusion drawn in his eyes right after I said that. I gulped before I speak again. “I’m aware that you get to know me Rhad. But not all of me… Not even my shadows and breakthroughs. And I, myself the same to you. I didn’t know you very well. But one thing I’m sure of, liking you was my another mistake… And confessing to you right now will torment me soon.”

“How come liking me was your another mistake?”

“Because you are my cousin Rhadmus,” I said, being pained with the same statement I used to say to Kaizer before.

He clenched his sculpted jaw. His eyes get darker and darker as he stares at me for a long. Dimming it to hide his expression. His feelings to me as well… His real reflection.

“I like you, Neil… I still like you.” He muttered with conviction like it has been burried for a long time ago. And now that it’s time to be heard, he said it wholeheartedly. That the bitterness of me before thoroughly gone now.

I wasn’t stunned by what he just said. Because deep inside me, I know that he still likes me… His actions confirmed it for me, I just can’t ratify it since I know that he’s engaged. I want us to have the end I’m hoping. The selfishness I told myself the last time was real. Reciprocating the feelings I have for him was an imaginative come true. But thinking about the consequences disturbs me.

I didn’t speak. I parted my lips to catch some air to breathe and look away. But as my eyes left his, he immediately held my chin to capture my gaze back.

“I like you, Neil. Do you hear me–”

“I like you too Rhad but this is wrong!”

“No! What the hell is wrong with you?! You told me that you like me and now you’re saying that it is wrong? Fuck what is right and wrong. Just fucking like me Neil, I’ll leave the world behind us.”

And there were my eyes left in appall. His words shake my whole being. Hearing him say those words traumatized me. “Rhad no–”

“I will. Now that I know you also like me, nothing can stop me.” His huge deep voice muttered. His eyes were like in rage, ready to fight for me… Prepared to leave everything behind us just for us.

I shook my head at him. At ang kaninang namumuo luha sa aking mga mata ay mabilis na pinawi ng aking kamay. Inalis ko ang kamay niyang humahawak sa aking baba at lumayo sa kaniya paatras. Nakita ko naman ang takot sa mata niya nang layuan ko siya.

“We can’t do this, Rhad. You are engaged. You know that we are sharing the same blood. We can’t just leave everything in the world behind us that simple. You have a huge responsibility now. And for fuck sake I’m your best man. I can’t ruin the both of you… You said that you don’t like me anymore. Baka nadadala ka lang sa pag-amin ko. Dahil si Dorothy ang mahal mo.” I alibi even though I know to myself that the end part of my statement was half true. That his heart already belongs to someone else.

He greedily ate the distance between us to get near me. I didn’t step back. “I know. But liking you was different. My heart may belong to Dorothy but half of it was still left for you.”

I shook my head at him. My eyes were filled with confusion as I look at him. “No, please Rhad let’s end this.”

“No. I’ll never end this…because I know that you like it too. Stop pretending anymore.”

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. Naramdaman kong manlamig ang katawan ko. “You already said you liked me. Now let your heart pour out that feeling to me… Stop restraining it.” He said as he slowly invade the little distance between us now.

Napakurap ako. Nanghihina ang tuhod kong nakakapit ako sa barikada sa aking tabi. But before my hand reach the glass beside me, he suddenly enveloped my body with his tight massive embrace.

“I want to make you happy, Neil. Please let me.” His husky voice muttered in my ears as his hot breath sent me shivers.

I embrace him back. My breath was hitching and I’m confused by my feelings. I want to like him like what he said. I want him to make me happy. I want to like him more and more but the other part of me opposes it. Dahil natatakot ako. Natatakot na naman akong sumugal sa larong alam ko na agad na matatalo rin ako.

“Pakiusap Neil… Huwag mong pigilan ang sarili mong gustuhin ako. Huwag kang matakot na mahalin ako.” Bulong ng malalim at namamaos niyang boses sa akin.

Malalim akong napalunok. “Natatakot ako,” I huskily admit to him, dahil ’yon naman ang totoong nararamdaman ko.

I felt him tighten the embrace he is giving me. And later on, loosen the tight and held my chin as he faced me again with his gloomy eyes. His thin lips were twitching as he glances at me gently.

“I want to be honest with you as well. Natatakot din ako, natatakot ako na baka dumating ’yung panahon na iwanan mo ako. I don’t want the hindrances ahead of us will tear us apart even though I know that it was its purpose. But I want us to see that as a strength that will strengthen us later on.”

I let a sigh. “That’s what I’m frightened of, Rhad. I’m afraid of hurting you again…”

I saw how the pain of agony facade in his eyes but then immediately vanish. I saw him gulp. “If that’s how you loved me, then I’ll take that pain. If leaving me was your definition of love, then I’m ready…”

I can’t take off my eyes at him this time. As he stared at me deeply, it feels surreal that being this close to him this time, confessing our real feelings for each other, I thought this won’t happen again. Hearing him say those words tame me… It melts the strong foundation I was trying to build just to save our both property.

Rhad loves me indeed and I hurt him not just once…several times. And taking the risk this time made me think of how much I can offer. Because I don’t want to hurt him again. I don’t want him to get used to that pain I’m causing him. He deserves better. If liking Rhad will make him aloof from pain, I’ll exceed the feelings I have for him.

Kaya naman nang ang mga mata ko ay maglikot sa kaniyang manipis na mga labi. I held his jaw, and slowly neared my face to kiss him. For a long time, I knew that I’m waiting for this moment to taste his lips. To savor how much he loves me more than I do.

“I like you Rhad, and I’ll do my very best not to hurt you again,” I muttered as I began to kiss him.

Hindi siya gumalaw at naramdaman ko kung paano siyang magulantang sa ginawa ko. I kissed him gently as his lips left parted. At kalaunan ay naramdaman kong igalaw niya rin ang kaniyang mga labi. His lips taste like the champagne we drink a while ago and it intoxicated me. He began to reciprocate the gentle kisses I was giving to him.

I shut my eyes as I savor his kisses. It was soft… gentle like I was so fragile that should be handled with massive care. I felt him bite my lower lip which made a soft groan escape from my mouth. “Thank you,” he then muttered in between our gentle kisses.

Naghuhuramentado ang puso ko. Parang ano mang oras ay sasabog ang dibdib ko. Marahan at malamyos ang bawat dampi at galaw ng kaniyang mga labing humahalik sa akin. Pero kahit na gano’n ay para bang kinakapos ako sa aking paghinga. Kaya naman nang mapagtanto kong gumapang ang kanang kamay ko patungo sa kaniyang batok, mariin kong naipikit ang aking mga mata.

His kisses started to be intense as my right hand pulled his nape for a deeper kiss. Our body touches and the cold wind that hits us doesn’t affect the warm temperature we are igniting from one another. Nag-iinit ako at hindi ko mapangalanan ang kakaibang init na nararamdaman ko. Maging ang kulisap na pumupuslit mula sa aking sikmura. It was strange that kissing him intensely made me want to taste him more.

I sucked his tongue which keep on sliding inside my mouth. I felt him bit my bottom lips which made me let out a louder moan this time. His hand on my back was hugging me tightly. It was crawling on my waist and I can’t help but arched my back whenever his hand grabbed my butt.

“Rhadmus stop…” I said breathily, sounded like a moan when his massive hand massaged my hips.

But in response, he just sucked and bit my lips for deeper kisses. I was already catching my breath this time when I realized that his becoming a beast again. The beast that I liked only to me. He was rugged as he kissed me thoroughly. It was as if he was craving my lips a long time ago. Like the dinner we had a while ago was not efficient to satisfy his hunger.

“I more than like you, Neil… And I know you feel it too.”

I didn’t know how that kiss ended. That night was nostalgic. He brings me to his bed and embraced him the whole night. I was sleeping on his chest while his other hand wrapped my body. It feels surreal but it was real. I didn’t expect that this kind of night will happen.

I never felt my heart this full after all that happen to me. I never felt this way before and now it’s happening again… But only with him this time. Not the same person I used to hug before.

I contemplated this before. If I’m really sure of Rhadmus. If liking him was real and not something I just recognize later on. Kaizer was a part of me, and I believe that he will forever be. But that part was slowly been taken but that doesn’t mean he’s already gone. He’s still had his part, however, it sank on the bottom part of me, not the same way… not even in the same exact place.

Alam kong nakamove-on na ako. Choosing Rhadmus this time was another phase of my life. And by thinking of it, it will never be this easy. Ngayon pa lang na iniisip ko ang mga taong makakabangga namin ay hindi ko agad maiwasang panghinaan ng loob. Because this time, it was my real family I will be facing and I’m not thoroughly out to them. Lolo, Tita Aurelia, and I were still not on good terms. So piling up this relationship I have with Rhadmus might trigger the only patience they have for me.

However, thinking of Rhadmus’s situation already blows me. He has everything now and the only thing that our grandpa and grandma expected from him was his marriage. Disappointing them might be the loss of Rhadmus. And I’m frightened that it might all happen just because of me.

Ayaw ko na siyang masaktan at mas lalong ayaw ko siyang mabigo. If this night is what we only have, I’m not going to take this for granted. If this summer will be the only moment for us I will be forever grateful. Because after this night, after tomorrow, I am not sure what circumstances are ahead of us.

The next morning I woke up late. The sunlight beam peeking from the curtains hit my face. Agad akong bumaling sa aking tabi para tingnan si Rhadmus na buong gabi akong yakap ng mahigpit, tila ayaw ng pakawalan. But when I saw the side of the bed was empty, I roam my eyes to every corner of his huge room. And when I didn’t catch any marks of him, I decided to go out of his room and went downstairs.

I was just silently walking towards the kitchen when his vigilant eyes immediately caught me. Napanguso naman ako nang mapansing parehas kaming naka-boxer brief lang ang suot. The only difference is that I’m wearing white CK boxers while he is the black ones. I smirk when I realized that we look like the perfect model for it.

“Good morning,” namamaos ang boses nitong bungad sa akin.

Napangisi naman ako. He’s wearing an apron and he was removing the tie of it at the back when I approached him, making him topless like me. “Morning,” my raucous voice answered.

Nang makalapit ako sa countertop ay hindi ko inasahan ang ginawa niya. After he put down the apron he immediately pulled my hand and hugged me. He then kissed me on my lips that made me shut my mouth.

“Stop, hindi pa ako nagtotoothbrush Rhadmus!” I shriek as I armored my hand on my face so that he won’t kiss me.

Natatawa naman siyang sinusubukan akong halikan. “I don’t care. I tasted your lips before I cooked our breakfast and it taste good. So you have no excuses to say on me alright, come on.”

“But Rhad–” before I say more, he already sealed my lips with his. Damn it.

His lips reached mine and I thought it will be just a peck. But I was merely wrong to think of him giving me a peck of a kiss, of course, he won’t! Oh, God. He even swirls his tongue inside my mouth and sucks my bottom lip.

“Fuck, this might become my favorite thing to do first before breakfast.” His husky voice muttered sexily with his lips remarking me a playful smirk.

Napakunot noo naman ako habang ang pareho kong kamay ay nakalapat sa kaniyang magkabilang dibdib. “What?” I asked, acting like I’m confused even though I already know what it was.

He bit his luscious lips sexily while his sedative eyes playfully crawled down on my parted lips that are reddened by his aggressive kisses. He then pulled my waist closer to his body. Our topless body touches and I hate to admit but I’m liking it.

“Kissing you tough turns me on Neil Irish, so stop being so naughty.” His huge deep husky voice threatened me playfully.

Mabagal ko namang dinilaan ang aking pag-ibabang labi at kalaunan ay kagatin habang ang mga mata kong namumungay ay mariing nakatitig sa kaniya. “Naughty? Am I?” I asked him playfully.

Madilim naman ang ekspresyon ng mga mata niyang nakatunghay sa akin ngayon. “Yes, you are. Goddamn it.” He said then shook his head at me then burried his face in my neck later on. “You’re turning me on.” I even heard him muffled afterward.

Kabanata 34

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

This chapter was written last year, in June 2022. Please bear with and expect errors while reading since it is not been edited and proofread yet. 

Kabanata 34

Maybe

Tirik na tirik ang araw habang tanaw ko ang magandang tanawin sa ibaba kung nasaan kami ni Rhadmus kagabi nakapuwesto. The trees below and the brisk wind made me feel at peace. Glancing at the clear blue sky with humid weather got me to rest.

Rhadmus was standing behind me as we both look at the city from afar. He was wrapping me from behind while his veiny hands caressed mine as it rest on the glass barricade. His head was resting on the other side of my shoulder, and I felt how his soft lips singe my cheeks through his subtle kisses.

I shut my eyes as I savor his soft kiss on my cheek up to my forehead. I gulped hard when I felt him hold my hand tightly after his gentle caress on it. Pinagsalikop niya ang aming mga kamay at mahigpit akong hinawakan.

“Thank you.” I heard his deep voice mutter in my ears.

I thriftily plaster a smile. “I wish I were more like you.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang susunod na mangyayari sa aming dalawa. Matapos ng mangyaring kumprontasyon kagabi ay pakiramdam ko wala na akong tinatago pa sa kaniya. Being transparent and vulnerable to him this time will showcase the real me to him.

Pero natatakot pa rin ako… At sa tingin ko ay hindi na iyon mawawala pa sa akin. He’s still engaged and about to get wed soon. Confessing my real feeling to him last night wasn’t the ace of my card. It wasn’t the luck I wanted and hoped for. It was only the validation of setting myself free from what I am feeling for him. 

I want him to be happy. But before he will be able to be happy, I want my feelings to be heard. Like what he said, he knew that he still likes me… Loves me. I’m a coward to face it before but hearing him saying these last night made me feel regret at some point.

I’m in the process of healing and living my life forever will be a process each day. Palagi akong naguguluhan. Natatakot. Nagkakamali. Nagmamahal…ng maling tao at sa maling panahon. I always take risks even if it is my life in exchange. I constantly get hurt because probably I always following my heart. And when I got the time of using my mind the last time, I know that I executed what is right.

In terms of life, we lived to serve our purpose. We live each day to find and serve that purpose. But when it comes to love, we only have two choices to withstand. It’s either we follow what our minds say or the beats of our hearts. It’s in between of mind which will bring us to the right decision, or in our heart that will guide us where happiness exists. Either the two, still the aligning stars of fate will dictate what is predestined for us.

“Whatever may happen, please I want you to keep a hold on me.” His hoarse voice mumbled to me as we watched the helicopter take off.

I look at him beside me as we both held each other’s hands. We are heading back home and leaving this place with him might be the last time… I don’t know but part of me hopes that it is not. I hope not because once we go back to the mansion we only have today and tomorrow together alone to spend time. It’s facing the reality… the truth that maybe love for me is signified to be letting go.

I gulped hard as his gravel eyes waited for me to respond.  I didn’t speak, instead I just simply nodded my head and stupe a weak smile on my lips.

I don’t want to make a promise anymore. I’d kept one before and it is just left unfulfilled. Promises are only made by immortal love… And making one doesn’t make this feeling I have undying.

We silently get in the helicopter. The loud noise it was making is already enough to make us both keep shut. And when we have our sit and already put on our headphones, I heard him speak.

“Please hold me still.” He said as if it was his only hope, his only oxygen that he has to breathe.

I grit my teeth and then glance at his hand reaching out for mine resting on my thigh. Before he holds my hand, I grabbed his hand and hold him tight this time. Napatingin ako sa mga mata niyang namumungay na nakatitig sa akin. I licked my lips when I can’t deny how hopeful his eyes were to me. He is dear to me and I assume that I am as well to him.

Bumalik kami ng mansion sakay ng helicopter. Tanghali na nang makaalis kami ng rest house niya. I can say that he didn’t get wrong about bringing me here. Because I had a great time here with him alone. The night we had was nostalgic. The words we share set us both free by prevailing our feelings and not revoking us from showing affection. His warm embrace… his passionate kisses, comforts me as it tames the doubt I have inside me.

We haven’t talked about our setup this morning. What we had talked about last night remains at that time. We have no label and what we only have right now is the great relationship we built in the past weeks. It wasn’t put to its end since he was in the urge to seize this chance with me.

Gusto ko mang pangunahan siyang tapusin na ang kung ano mang namamagitan sa amin ay naisip kong tama siya. That maybe this time I’ll give myself a chance to showcase to him my real feelings. On the other hand, thinking about how knotted his situation is right now made me fall into pessimism. Because I know that we can’t escape it. He will still get married.

Bumaba kami sa sinasakyan naming helicopter hindi kalayuan sa mansion. It was situated near the other side hectares away from the mansion. Kaya naman nang makababa kami ay agad kong natanawan ang itim na sasakyan ni Rhad na naghihintay sa amin. Dumiretso kaming dalawa ron at nananatiling mga mata lang ang ani mong nag-uusap sa tuwing kami ay nagkakatinginan.

Saktong pagpasok namin ng backseat ng kaniyang sasakyan ay siya namang pagtunog ng kaniyang cellphone. Napatingin ako ron at nang makita kong tingnan niya iyon, I saw Dorothy’s name flash on his screen. I was about to look away when he suddenly put it down and didn’t answer. He looks at me but I immediately look away.

“Tayo na po Kuya.” Ani ko sa driver sa harapan namin para makauwi na ng mansion.

Naramdaman ko namang hawakan ni Rhadmus ang hita ko. Agad na dumapo ron ang aking mata at hindi ko maiwasang kabahan. Napatingin ako sa driver namin sa harapan at hindi ko alam kung nakikita niya ba kami sa mirror dahil naka-uniporme ito at nakasuot ng itim na salamin.

But to remove the nervousness I’m feeling, I swiftly withdrew his hand from my thigh. And when I glimpse him on my side I caught his jaw clenched. His eyes were fixated in front of us on the road and I can feel how annoyed he was by what I did.

“Ayaw ko lang ng may makakita sa atin.” Mahinang ani ko.

His jaw clenched one more. “I know, but trust me please.” He muttered in a low voice, only enough for me to hear.

I swallowed hard. “O-Okay,” I said as I gave him permission to touch me, still nervous.

At gano’n nga ang ginawa niya. Buong byahe pauwi patungong mansyon ang kaniyang kaliwang kamay ay nakahawak sa kanan kong hita. At first, it was strange to me and I’m nervous that our driver might notice it, but since I gave him my trust, I let him rest his hand on my thigh.

Mabilis lang ang naging byahe patungong mansion at wala pang labing-tatlong minuto ay nakarating na kami. Nananatili kaming nakaupo sa backseat nang huminto ang sasakyan malapit sa tapat ng bulwagan ng mansyon. Napukol ang paningin ko sa tapat ng sasakyan namin dahil may SUV na nakaparada ro’n.

Napakurap kurap pa ako nang mapagtanto kong may ilan pang mga sasakyan sa unahan niyon. At first glance, the car was not familiar to me. But as I roam my eyes onto the other front side I saw another black Sedan car. It wasn’t parking there since we have a place for parking and it’s our guards’ duty to park our car there.

Napakunot noo ako habang pinagmamasdan ang tatlong itim na sasakyan. Naramdaman kong alisin ni Rhadmus ang kaniyang kamay mula sa pagkakapatong sa aming hita. I look at him beside me and there where I see how stoic his expression is as he stares at the car outside.

I gulp. “They are here.” He suddenly said then glance at me with his serious eyes.

Napalingon akong muli sa sasakyang umandar na paalis sa aming harapan kaya naman umandar kaming muli patungo sa tapat ng hagdan. “Nakauwi na sila agad? I thought they will be home the next day.” I asked in stunned.

He clenched his jaw and didn’t answer me. His eyes remain staring at me humidly with his eyes glinting in worriedness. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman. If should I be frightened knowing that they are here or happy because their home finally.

But one thing that made my forehead in query. There were three cars, and the two there were Lola and Papa’s cars. Kanino yung isang kotse?

“Let’s go out,” Rhadmus uttered when the driver opens up the car door beside me. I haven’t noticed it because my mind was preoccupied with thinking.

Napalingon naman ako sa kaniya sa aking tabi na nananatiling nakatitig sa akin na may nangungusap na mga mata. I don’t know what his eyes telling this time. All I can sense is that whatever happened between us last night and early this morning will be kept and set aside.

Bumaba ako ng sasakyan, mabilis ang kalabog ng dibdib ko kahit pa alam kong sila Lola lang naman ang haharapin ko. I know that they don’t know anything about us but it feels like this scenario gives me Deja Vu. I feel stunned knowing that they are already here. They came back home not so soon but unexpectedly sooner.

Natanawan ko agad pagkababa ko pa lang ng sasakyan na nakapila lahat ng housemaid sa entrada ng mansion na nakayuko dahil sa pagdating nila Lola. Maging ang ilang mga tauhan naming mga nakaitim na uniporme na ang ilan pa ay armado.

Halos sabay kaming dalawa ni Rhadmus na humakbang ng hagdanan patungo sa bukana ng bulwagan. And as I get upstairs my eyes got fixated on a woman. I felt my feet stuck up on the stair while my lips parted seeing her turning her face on the way us.

The family Gutierrez is all here, welcoming us at the grand entrance of our mansion together with the woman whose eyes are locked on Rhadmus’s way.

“Rhadmus! Where have you been?” Dorothy’s womanly voice filled my ears as she run to Rhadmus’s way and suddenly clasped him with her warm embrace.

My eyes were like a magnet, it automatically flocked to Rhadmus as I watched him hug Dorothy in return. I clearly saw how his hand crawled on her waist up to her back, then suddenly his eyes turn on me as he give me dark glares. I didn’t look away, I gazed at him intently while Dorothy withdrew her face from Rhad’s chest and then suddenly tiptoed to reach his grim lips. 

I grimace and tightly knuckled my jaw as I blink and immediately look away this time. I can’t afford to watch him kiss Dorothy. I may be jealous, I admit. But I have no right to feel it. I’m just his cousin. His forbidden romance.

My heart thumped in pain thinking about how complicated our situation is right now. Maybe it really is not for me. Maybe this time is not for us.

“Neil apo, oh dear! I miss you so much!” Lola then approached me. I plaster a soft weak smile as I embrace her.

Nics, Pierce, Papa, Tita Aurelia, and Lolo were there too. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mapaiwas ng tingin nang ang mga mata ni Lolo ay sa akin dumapo. Nang humiwalay sa akin si Lola ay don ko nakuhang mag-iwas ng tingin sa kaniya.

Lola holds my both hand as she happily gazes at me. “I have lots of pasalubong for you. Binilhan kita because I don’t want you to miss anything there.” Lola told me in glee and I can see through her eyes that she was indeed happy seeing me again.

Napangiti naman ako kahit papaano habang ang mga mata ko ay hindi pa rin maiwasang hindi lumipad patungo sa gawi nila Rhadmus at Dorothy.

“Lola almost buy the whole store just for you Kuya, gosh!” I snooped out my eyes from their way and glance at Nics after she inserted that.

“Really? You don’t have to Lola. I’m good with simple things, hindi naman po kailangan ng marami.” Ani ko kay Lola na hindi ako pinansin dahil binalingan nito anv isa naming housemaid.

“Have you already gotten the pasalubong I bought for my apo? Later I will open that for you, alright?” Baling naman na nito sa akin.

I just nod my head in my response. Nics hug me as well, gano’n din si Pierce. “How was your vacation? At san pala kayong dalawa galing?” Pierce then asked after he wrapped me in his huge embrace.

Napatingin naman ako sa gawi ni Rhadmus na nakatingin din pala sa gawi ko. Lola was now on their side as well as she talked to Dorothy.

Binalik ko ang tingin kay Pierce at Nics na nasa akin ang tuon. “Sa Baguio, kahapon lang din kami umalis. We just stayed there for a night.” Nag-aalangan kong sagot at saka pasimpleng naglipat ng tingin kay Rhad.

“Oh, sa hotel natin?” Pierce added.

Napakunot noo naman ako. I shook my head at him. “No, in his rest house.”

Right after I said that I saw that confusion dripped in Pierce’s eyes. He seems curious but he didn’t ask further when I heard his voice speak up beside me.

“We stayed in our penthouse last night, sa condominium.” Rhadmus inserted.

I shut my mouth. Dahil hindi ko alam kung alam ba nilang may resthouse si Rhadmus sa Baguio. But hearing him alibi his condominium already answered the question running in my head.

Napatingin naman ako sa kaniya sa aking tabi ngunit agad rin naman iyong nagbaba sa braso niya kung saan nakalingkis don si Dorothy. I lift my glares to her eyes and I noticed that she caught me staring at her hands gripping on Rhadmus arm.

I was surprised for a bit but I didn’t let her see that expression. I opt to leave the crowd so I can escape from the two. I chose to approach Papa instead to welcome them as well. Nagmano ako sa kaniya at gano’n din kay Tita Aurelia who seems stoic as she lends her hand to me. And when it was Lolo’s turn, I was about to reach for his hand when he suddenly turn his back on me.

“Nakahanda na ba ang mga pagkain?” Istrikto na tanong nito sa isang kasambahay namin.

“Yes po, Señor.”

“Ophelia, the food is ready.” He announced like a signal commanding us to head over to the dining room.

Nang lumingon ako sa aming likuran kung nasaan sila Lola ay napansin ko ang titig nila Pierce, Nics, at Rhad sa akin. They probably saw it. When I will get used to Lolo’s treatment of me by the way? He’s been like this ever since,  I shouldn’t be surprised at this time.

Nakayuko at wala akong imik na nagtungo sa dining kasama sila Lola. They were all talking and Lola keeps telling me how great their experience was on our island in Boracay. Tanging matamlay na ngiti lamang ang tangi kong nagawa sa bawat nakakatuwa niyang kuwento dahil ang aking utak ay okupado pa rin kay Rhadmus.

Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapatingin sa gawi nila sa aking harapan. They both seem to miss each other. And the way Dorothy glares at him, I can sense how much she misses him.

“I thought your flight will be tomorrow? Bakit napaaga ata ang uwi niyo?” I heard Rhad ask Pierce who was beside me.

“We just said that it’s tomorrow but Lola wants to surprise the both of you. And guess what, she brought you your girl with us because she believes that both of you missed each other so much.” Pierce answered bluntly.

Napalingon naman ako sa kaniya. “Haven’t you surprised?” He added.

Napalunok naman ako nang ang mga mata ni Rhadmus ay napuna kong nagdidilim. “I’m sorry hon if I visit you this early. I know that we were supposed to meet each other a week before our wedding but I missed you big time and I can’t wait to see you.” Dorothy’s alluring sweet voice prevailed.

Ramdam ko na ang lahat ng tingin namin sa dining ay nasa kanilang dalawa na ngayon ang pukol.

“It’s alright hija. Mabuti nga na maaga kang nagpunta rito.” Si Lolo sa seryosong tono. Nakita ko namang nakahinga ng maluwag si Dorothy sa sinabi ni Lolo.

“Thank you, Lolo.”

“No worries, hija. Just focus on your wedding. By the way, how was your Angkong? Send my regards to him.”

“He’s on vacation right now, but I’ll tell him that,” Dorothy replied.

Hindi ko maiwasang pumait sa paraan ng pagtrato ni Lolo sa kaniya. Dorothy will be part of our family soon and she’ll probably going to be the closest one to Lolo if going to be.

“Bakit parang hindi ka masaya na maaga kaming umuwi Rhad?” Dinig kong biglang tanong naman ni Pierce sa aking tabi.

I don’t know if it is asked seriously or in mockery. But the way Pierce glance at Rhadmus playfully, I gulp.

Rhad arched his brow, “Let’s just say what you did was effective, I’m just surprised.” He muttered in gravel.

“I see,” Pierce mumbled darkly and glance at me.

Napakurap naman ako at hindi nag-iwas sa mapaglaro niyang mga mata. Our stares were just cut off when I heard Lola speak.

“So you both from Baguio? Since when?” Lola asked in wonder.

“You go there, Kuya? You promised me as well na pupunta tayo don, right?” Nics added.

“It’s just last night. Nagpasama lang ako kay Neil dahil may inasikaso ako.” Rhadmus answered to Lola.

I can’t keep myself from gritting my teeth. He’s covering us that much and I understand it. However, at some point, I feel pained that maybe this will be the last time he will lie to us.

“Kuya?” Nick snapped at me.

I blink and lift my glares at her sit. “Yes, probably after Rhad’s wedding.” I then said out of the blue.

Nakita kong bahagyang mamilog ang mga mata ni Rhad sa aking harapan nang sabihin ko iyon. Maybe it’s my mind mechanism to respond that way, so I can get away after his wedding… So I can clear my mind after all that is happening.

I didn’t look on their way because seeing him with Dorothy slapped me with the truth that it was our end. That we never had our beginning, just the end.

Gustohin ko mang maging kami ay ayoko ng ipilit pa. Dahil habang mas tumatagal na alam kong alam niya na gusto ko siya ay mas lalo akong umaasa na sana ako pa rin… na sana ako nalang.

But just like what he said, the other half of his heart was left in me. It’s just the half and I can’t afford to take all of him. Knowing that he’s taking the right path away from the mistake he is still choosing with me, I don’t get him but I’d preferably choose to let him go rather than stay for what is not right even how much I wanted him.

Even so, part of me was only waiting for the chance that maybe… maybe at least for the last time, there might be us.