His Ruthless Temptation

La Dominante is a dark romance series featuring dominant and possessive alpha males with twisted morals. They are not your typical hero that you fell in love with.

WARNING: This story contains a lot of mature scenes, explicit sexual content and sensitive topics that are not appropriate for young readers. Reader discretion is advised.

Prologue

I felt sweat run down the side of my face from my forehead but I didn’t bother to wipe it. I didn’t want to lose my concentration. Not now that only a few touches and a few details and I could already finish my work. Once na naistorbo pa naman ako sa ginagawa ko, mahihirapan na ulit akong ibalik ang concentration ko.

I could also already feel the exhaustion eating my body but I didn’t want to stop. I set it in my mind that I will finish this dress today. So, there should be nothing that could distract me from what I was doing.

Just a little bit more and I’m done…

I took one rhinestone, the final detail, and put a bit of fabric glue on it. Konti lang. Iyong sapat na para kumapit sa tela. Then, as carefully and calculated as I could, I slowly stuck it on the fabric. Doon sa mga nakahilerang rhinestone. Just right on the mark that I put on the fabric.

I counted for a few seconds as I pressed the rhinestone on the fabric before I finally lifted up my finger. Hinipan ko ang bagong dikit na rhinestone para matuyo ang fabric glue. Nang masiguro kong hindi na iyon mahuhulog ay saka lang ako napangiti.

“Finished!”

Dumiretso ako ng tayo sa harapan ng natapos kong gawa. A satisfied smile escaped from my lips when I saw the finished product of my work that was on the dress form dummy.

I wasn’t expecting that it would look this good when I drew my desired design or when I was still imagining it in my head. After all, I am still learning and I have a lot to learn about dressmaking. But the dress looked really good.

There was warmth on my chest as I stared at my work proudly.

“Oh, my God… I just can’t believe I did this precious dress!”

I looked around and saw that my block mates were still busy finishing their work. Ako pa yata ang naunang matapos despite all those rhinestones and details I put on the dress. Hindi ko alam kung mabilis lang ba talaga akong gumawa o tinutukan ko lang masyado ang project na ’to.

Still, I was glad that I finished it. Ang akala ko pa nga ay hindi ako makakaabot sa deadline dahil nga sa mga detail na plano kong ilagay sa dress. Hindi ko naman gustong baguhin ang dress dahil ito talaga ang gusto kong gawin.

I fished my phone out of the back pocket of my pants and took several pictures of my work. I really took my time taking pictures. Bawat anggulo at bawat detalye ay kinuhaan ko pa. I was just so proud of myself.

Tinignan ko isa-isa ang mga kuha ko. Lalo na iyong kuha ng buong gawa ko. I imagined it being displayed in the window glass of my shop. My own shop that I would build someday.

I screamed internally. I fangirled over my own work. P’wede pala ’yon? ’Yung kikiligin ka sa mismong gawa mo? It felt so good as you could also feel the happiness, and contentment being mixed.

Pero mukhang medyo napalakas yata ang internal screaming ko. I think I didn’t even do it internally dahil napatingin sa akin ang mga kaklase kong kalapit ko ng pwesto.

I flashed them an apologetic smile.

“ Izvinite. “

Hindi na nila ulit ako pinansin at nagpatuloy lang sa kanya-kanyang ginagawa.

Shit… What should I do? I really want to squeal so much. Kinikilig talaga ko sa sarili kong gawa. I wasn’t even expecting that it would be this good! Like I just wanted something passable that I could pass to have my grades but… Like wow!

I did something like this? I must’ve had godly hands!

This project is supposed to be our midterm exam sa dressmaking subject namin. Kaya naman sobrang saya ko dahil natapos ko ang dress even before the deadline. Siguro, kaya rin mabilis akong natapos ay dahil nag-e-enjoy ako sa ginagawa ko.

I took up a Bachelor of Arts in Fashion Design and Marketing. Even as a child, I already love fashion design. Naaalala ko pa ngang palagi akong binibilhan ni Lola ng mga manikang binibihisan. Those Barbie dolls come in so many dresses and you can dress them up.

Sometimes, I would alter the dresses to the design that I wanted. Just mismatching the clothes and the details. Thinking back, I think it was a normal thing for a child to do as they always wanted to see something new. Kids are always curious. Pero mukhang napansin ni Lola ang talento ko dahil doon.

Natatandaan ko pa nga na kahit ang mga kalaro ko noon ay binibihisan ko rin. I made them my human barbie dolls.

And… maybe, nahilig din ako sa fashion designing because my mother is a model. I hoped back then that by fashion designing, I would get closer to my mom.

“Irina!”

I looked at whoever called my name and immediately smiled when I saw that it was my block mate and also my best friend, Annika. She was smiling when she approached me.

“You done?”

I was still smiling as I nodded.

“Yeah! Ta-da!” I showed her my work with the gesture of my hands as if I had just revealed a magic trick that made Annika laugh.

“Then let’s go! Let’s show our work to Miss Mila!”

Oh… Tapos na rin s’ya! We really are best friends! Pareho kaming mabilis gumawa!

Pero nabawasan ang ngiti sa mga labi ko nang mapagtanto kung anong sinabi n’ya.

“What? Like… Right now?”

Wait a minute… Hindi pa yata ako ready!

“Yes!” Annika still had a wide smile on her face. “You said you’re already done, right?”

“Yeah…” Alanganin na akong nakangiti sa kanya.

“Then let’s go! She’ll give us a higher grade if we pass it earlier than the deadline!”

Dahil sa sinabi n’ya ay mabilis akong kumilos. The grade-conscious student inside of me was screaming that I should move faster if I aim to have a higher grade.

I unzipped the dress from the dress form. Tinulungan ako ni Annika at dahan-dahan naming inalis ang dress. She also helped me put it on a hanger and covered it with a garment bag dust cover.

“Let’s go,” sabi ko nang masigurong ayos na ang damit sa loob ng dust cover. I need a higher grade!

I was about to walk but Annika was just staring at me. She even had a grimace on her face as she looked at me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, frowning at her expression. Parang kanina lang nagmamadali ’to.

“Aren’t you going to fix yourself first?” she asked, wincing as if just looking at me hurt her.

Natigilan naman ako sa sinabi n’ya. I didn’t need to look at the mirror to know that I probably looked like a mess right now. Sapat na ang expression ni Annika na hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba o ano habang nakatingin sa akin.

My light brown hair which looked almost blonde was tied up in a bun. Mahaba kasi iyon and I really hate the princess curls on the end as it always gets in the way when I’m working. So, I’m tying my hair up in a bun. I hadn’t checked myself for three hours already but I knew that my bun was a mess right now and I could even imagine some strands of my hair were sticking out.

I just wiped the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand. Hindi ko pa rin pala natatanggal ang tape measure na nakasabit sa mga balikat ko kaya tinanggal ko na iyon at muling nginitian si Annika.

“No need. Miss Mila just needs to grade my work and not my appearance.”

“But… We’re going to their faculty room. And it’s on the other building.”

Tumaas ang isang kilay ko sa pagtataka. Hindi makuha kung anong sinasabi n’ya.

“So?”

“So…” Annika looked impatient. “A lot would see you looking like that.”

Natawa na ako.

“Don’t worry, Annika. It’s midterm week! I probably am not the only student who looked horrible, you’ll see. And they would understand! Besides…” I gave her my sweetest smile. “I’m still beautiful looking like this.”

Pabiro akong inirapan ni Annika pero hindi naman kumontra sa sinabi ko. Well, she couldn’t oppose it anyway as I’m telling the truth. S’ya na rin naman ang ilang beses nang nagsabing maganda ako. I’m just owning up to it.

Umalis na rin naman kami ni Annika sa dressmaking room at naglakad na papunta sa faculty room kung nasaan si Miss Mila. As soon as we stepped out of the room, especially out of the building, we both realized that I was right. Hindi lang ako ang estudyanteng mukhang wala nang oras para makapag-ayos.

Mas malala pa nga iyong mga engineering students na mukhang matutumba na anumang oras, kahit nakatayo o naglalakad man, sa kawalan ng tulog.

The faculty room was on the second floor so we had to climb the stairs when we finally reached the building. Ingat na ingat ako sa paglalakad. I was worried that some of the rhinestones would come off though I have so much trust in the fabric glue that I used. Still, I want to be careful. It’s my midterm exam.

Dahil sa pagdadahan-dahan ko ay nauunahan ako ni Annika sa paglalakad. Kaya rin kitang-kita ko nang sinadya n’yang banggain ang dalawang lalaking pababa ng hagdan na makakasalubong din namin.

I frowned. What the heck is she doing?

Annika looked like she was about to fall as she lost her balance kung hindi lang naagapan ng lalaking sinadya n’yang banggain at nahawakan s’ya sa braso. I was about to help too. I’m worried about her work and her na rin. Lalapit na nga sana ako kung hindi ko lang narinig na nagsalita si Annika.

“I’m sorry.”

Now, there wasn’t anything wrong with that. Annika bumped into them. She was the one who purposedly bumped into them so she really should apologize.

But I know Annika. I know her normal voice and right now, she was using a voice way too far from her normal one. Parang pinilit ipitin at hininaan pa. I wasn’t sure if she did it to hide the fact that it was on purpose or… she just ate something that made her voice like that all of a sudden. While just walking from one building to another.

So, instead of helping them, nilagpasan ko silang tatlo.

Gotta act like I don’t her. Gotta act like I don’t know Annika at all.

Hindi ko na sila tinignan pa kahit na sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita kong napatingin sa akin ’yung isang lalaki. Hindi pa rin ako lumingon at talagang nagpanggap na hindi ko kilala si Annika. Dere-deretso lang akong naglakad at tinahak ang faculty room.

“Miss Irina Morozova.” Nakataas ang isang kilay ni Miss Mila nang makita akong biglang pumasok sa faculty room.

Napangiwi ako.

“Good afternoon, Miss. I’m just here to pass my work.”

Pinaningkitan ako ng mata ni Miss Mila. Goodness. She really looked so strict. I love her subject but she’s just so intimidating.

“Come in.”

Napahinga ako nang maluwag at pumasok na. Lumapit s’ya sa dress form na nandoon at pinatanggal sa akin ang gawa ko sa dust cover.

“Put it on the dress form.”

Ganoon nga ang ginawa ko. Isinuot ko sa dress form ang dress. Dahan-dahan. Iniingatan na walang matanggal kahit na isa sa mga rhinestone. Madali lang naman dahil nasa likod ang zipper at ang mga rhinestone ay nasa bust part and made its way down on the side of the hips.

Miss Mila inspected my work. Kabang-kaba ako habang ginagawa n’ya iyon. Saka naman pumasok si Annika who had a wide grin on her face as she stood beside me. But when she saw what Miss Mila was doing, nakita ko rin ang kaba sa mukha n’ya.

Miss Mila caressed the bust part kinda roughly and I almost passed out as I wished that none of the rhinstones would fall off. Alam kong ginawa n’ya rin ’yon para makita kung may matatanggal ngang details sa ginawa ko.

“Hm.” She looked satisfied when the rhinestones remained intact on the dress. “I like your work.”

Saka lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag. Hindi ko nga alam na kanina ko pa pala pinipigilan ang hininga ko! Si Annika ay ganu’n din!

“Although some of the stitches are sticking out, still, for your first try, this is good,” Miss Mila said. “There’s a lot of improvement but I’m impressed.”

Napangiti ako.

“Thank you, Miss.”

“But,” pagsingit n’ya bago pa ako matapos sa pagpapasalamat. “I will deduct points because of your appearance.”

I blinked.

“What?”

“You look horrible, Miss Morovoza. If you want to become a fashion designer, you should start by making yourself look good all the time. A good fashion designer should not only know how to make good dresses but also should know how to be presentable too.”

Napangiwi ako. Guilty of what she said. Annika looked at me with her I-told-you-so look. I just made a face at her.

“Next time, Miss Morozova. I hope you’ll take time to do something about your appearance, okay?”

I nodded.

“Yes, miss.”

“Alright. Now get your dress off. I’ll check her work this time,” sabi ni Miss Mila na nakatingin na kay Annika.

Mabilis kong tinanggal ang damit sa dress form at inilagay naman ni Annika ang sa kanya. Miss Mila took her time checking her work too. I could say that Annika’s work is good too. But there’s something missing that I just couldn’t pinpoint. But Miss Mila did. She even gave advice to Annika too.

Mas mataas ang nakuha kong grade kaysa kay Annika but my best friend was still smiling widely. It was so weird dahil parang kanina n’ya pa pinipigilan ang ngiting ’yon. Kung wala lang si Miss Mila sa harapan namin ay baka humagikgik na s’ya na ginawa nga n’ya nang makalabas kami ng faculty room.

“What the hell’s happening to you?” I asked, frowning but she just giggled even more.

“I had a conversation with my crush!”

I looked at her, deadpan.

“The one you purposedly bumped into earlier?”

Mas lalo s’yang tumawa habang pababa kami ng hagdan. Napatingin pa nga sa kanya ang nakasalubong namin paakyat. I couldn’t pretend that I don’t know her anymore dahil nakahawak pa si Annika sa braso ko habang tumatawa. Sa kabilang kamay ay hawak n’ya ang dress na ginawa n’ya.

“It was very effective! I always hoped he’d notice me, and it happened! They’re graduating students now, so I wanted him to notice me before he graduated.”

Hmm… So, they’re two years ahead of us.

“The Romanov brothers look godly handsome, Irina! You saw them, right?!” kinikilig pang sabi n’ya. “One for you and one for me!”

I nervously let out a chuckle. Ano bang sinasabi nito?

Hindi ko sila masyadong natingnan pero kilala ko ang mga Romanov. Of course, they’re famous. ’Pag gwapo naman talaga, maraming nakakakilala sa university. Kahit nasa ibang course pa sila. Though I still haven’t seen them.

I felt my phone vibrate from my pocket so I took it out. It was a text from my mom.

“I have to go, Annika,” I said. “Mom’s already here.”

“Oh! Say hi to her for me.”

I smiled and nodded at her.

“I will.”

Mabilis akong pumunta ng parking lot ng university at hinanap ang kotse ni mommy. Mabilis akong pumasok sa passenger’s seat nang makita iyon. I put the dress I made on the backseat.

“Mom, look.” I excitedly opened my phone to show her the pictures of the dress I made. “This is the finished product.”

Mom took the phone from me. Isa-isa n’yang tiningnan ang mga kuha ko sa gawa ko kanina. I was just staring at her.

She still looked pretty at the age of forty. Sobrang kinis ng mukha n’ya. Alagang-alaga. There were no wrinkles that could be seen in her face. Mas maalaga pa nga si mommy sa kutis n’ya kaysa sa ’kin.

Of course, she’s a model.

“This looks great,” she said and I smiled widely when I saw the smile on her lips. She glanced at the backseat. “Is that it?”

Mabilis at sunod-sunod akong tumango.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I need to take a look at it in person later at home. But first…” She reached out. Ang magaan n’yang kamay ay lumapat sa noo ko. Naramdaman kong pinunasan n’ya ang namuo kong pawis doon. “You need to fix yourself.”

“But we’re just going home now.”

“Shush. You’re a fashion designer. You need to look good every time.”

“Miss Mila also said something like that.”

“Because that’s the truth. Sometimes fashion designers look even better than their models, you know.”

Natawa na lang ako at hindi na nagreklamo. I took off the top bun of my hair and just let it fall. My hair reached my waist. Ginulo-gulo ko iyon para mawala ang trace ng pagkaka-bun kanina at saka ko inayos. I parted my hair to the side and combed the curls with my fingers.

“Here. Use this.”

Inabutan ako ni mommy ng face powder at ginamit ko naman. Kahit lipstick ay pinagamit n’ya rin ako.

I checked myself in the sun visor mirror and when I was finally satisfied with my look, ibinalik ko kay mommy ang lipstick n’ya.

“Ayos na po ba, mom?” I asked.

Nawala ang kaninang ngiti ni mommy habang pinapanood n’ya akong mag-ayos. She looked serious now. I bit my lower lip when I realized my mistake.

Ah, damn… I forgot.

“What did I say about speaking in Tagalog, Irina?” she asked. Her tone was strict.

“I’m sorry, mom… I forgot.”

She sighed frustratedly.

“I’m not sure why you can’t get rid of that language when you have no one to speak with here!”

“It’s my first language, mom. I couldn’t just get rid of it just like that.”

“Still! You should get used to speaking in Russian or even in English! You’re in Russia!”

“I’m sorry, mom,” sabi ko na lang dahil nagagalit na naman si mommy.

Mom sighed again. Nang magsalita ay medyo huminahon na.

“I don’t want to hear you talk in that language again. Do you understand, Irina?”

Ilang sandali akong natahimik bago tumango.

“Yes, mom. I understand…”

Chapter 1

I helped my mom zip the dress before I took a step backward so I could check her appearance. I watched her as she stared at her own reflection in the full-length mirror. Tinitigan n’ya ang dress na suot n’ya. She even caressed the fabric that was hugging her curves. Ilang beses din s’yang tumagilid so she could check herself in every angle.

I took a deep breath as I waited for her comment. She was wearing the work that I did for my midterm exam in our dressmaking subject. I put it on the dress form dummy but mom realized that it would fit her so she suggested that she’d wear it instead to check it more thoroughly.

Kabang-kaba nga ako habang nag-aabang sa sasabihin n’ya. I mean, my mom’s a model. She had worn thousands of dresses made by famous and well-established designers. Ano ba naman ’yung gawa ko na isang baguhan lang kumpara sa mga damit na naisuot na ni Mommy at nairampa na sa runway?

I took another deep breath and slowly released it. The dress fits perfectly on my mom. Even at her age, she still maintained the body of a model. She was slim and tall. I was aware that her name would always come up if someone asked men who their ideal woman is. Even with male celebrities. They would say that their ideal woman is Catherine Della Morozova.

Kaya naman tumatak na sa ’kin na sobrang ganda ni Mommy. A lot of men still have a crush on her until now. Ilang beses ko ring narinig na maswerte si Dad kay Mommy. Marami rin ang nagpahayag ng inggit sa kanya kay Dad.

Mom was still beautiful even at her age.

I got my figure and my height from my mother. Even my small face. Pati na rin ang ilong n’yang matangos na medyo maliit. And that was all.

The rest of my features, I got them from my father. My princess curls and even the color of my hair which was a light blonde that looked almost blonde. I also got my fair skin and my gray eyes from him.

Madalas kong marinig kapag magkasama kami ni Mommy na hindi kami magkamukha since I got most of the distinguishable feature from my father. But I didn’t care. Because of my height, my beauty, and a figure like a model, saka lang nila matatanggap na anak nga ako ni Mommy.

I mean, I’m not sure why it would be their problem, though. People just love to make issues out of nothing.

“Huh.”

I straightened my back when I heard that from my mom. Nasalubong ko muna ang tingin n’ya sa ’kin mula sa reflection sa salamin bago s’ya pumihit paharap sa ’kin. I tried to give her a smile just to pretend that I was not dying inside out of nervousness while waiting for her comment. Mas lalo pa akong kinabahan nang makita ang seryoso n’yang tingin sa ’kin.

And then… She smiled.

“I love the dress, Irina.”

It took me a while before her words finally registered in my mind. It surprised me, of course, as I wasn’t ready to hear a compliment from her.

“Really?” tanong ko pa para makasiguro. Tumawa si mommy nang mahalata na hindi ako naniniwala sa sinabi n’ya.

“Yes, hija!” she exclaimed. “I love how comfortable the dress is. It’s wonderful!”

I chuckled shyly. Nahihiyang iniipit ko ang ilang hibla ng buhok sa likod ng tenga ko.

“You’re not just saying it because I’m your daughter and you don’t want to hurt my feelings, right?”

Natawa si Mommy at nilapitan ako. She held both of my hands with hers.

“Oh, no, no… I would want you to improve more than anyone else. The dress has some flaws, such as visible stitches, but they are minor. I’m confident you’ll continue to grow!”

Ngumiti ako, hindi ko na napigilan. Hearing those from my mom gave me the motivation to improve more, study more, and reach my dreams. I wanted to be someone that she could be proud of.

“I guess I’ll believe you.”

Mom gave me a gentle smile. Magaan ang kamay n’ya nang tapikin ang balikat ko.

“Irina, you will be successful in this industry. I’m sure you would. I’ve been in the fashion industry for so long that I can tell who has talent and who doesn’t. And I could see it in you, moya

doch’ . So, believe in yourself and keep pursuing your dreams, but don’t forget to have fun along the way, okay?“

I tried my best not to cry with her words but I guess I got teary-eyed as mom caressed my cheek with so much gentleness. Mas lalo lang akong napangiti.

“Thank you, mom…”

“What is happening?”

Pareho kaming napatingin ni Mommy sa pinto ng kwarto ko. I saw my sister, Yulia, standing on the doorway who looked so confused nang makita siguro ang drama namin ni Mommy kanina. Pero bago pa kami makapagsalita ay napasinghap na ang s’ya.

“Oh, my gosh!” she exclaimed as she entered my room. Her eyes widened when she surveyed our mother from head to toe. “You look so gorgeous, mom!”

Si mommy naman, umikot pa para mas makita ni Yulia ang kabuuan n’ya. I giggled as mom looked so proud while doing so! All the nervousness that I felt earlier just flew away!

“I’m wearing your sister’s work. Of course, I’d look good,” sabi pa ni mommy.

Natawa ako.

“Mom, even if you wear tattered clothes, you’ll still look pretty.”

“Irina,” kumapit pa sa braso ko si Yulia. “Can you design my gown for my eighteenth birthday? And also, my wedding dress!”

I frowned at her. Tinanggal ko ang pagkakakapit n’ya sa ’kin. Anong wedding ang sinasabi nito? She’s just fifteen years old!

“I’ll only agree with that birthday thing. But a wedding?” Exaggerated ang naging pag-iling ko. “No way, Yulia. You’re too young to even think about getting married!”

“Your sister’s, right, Yulia. Finish your studies first,” sabi pa ni mommy na ikinasimangot ng kapatid ko.

“Kill joy.”

“And who’s that beautiful girl I’m seeing?”

This time, tatlo na kaming napatingin sa may bungad ng kwarto ko nang marinig si Dad na nagsalita. He was smiling as he looked at Yulia and me before his eyes settled on mom. I saw how his eyes sparkled when he looked at her.

Pareho kaming napangiti ni Yulia. Nagpipigil ng kilig.

Andrei Damianovich Morozov was a romantic, handsome man. Kitang-kita pa rin ang kisig ni Dad despite his age and his black hair with already some grayish strands.

As if my sister and I weren’t in the room, Dad walked towards mom. His eyes were just on hers as he pulled her close to him. Natawa naman si mommy pero nagpaubaya rin. They slowly danced in front of us, even without music.

“I have a question for this beautiful lady in my arms,” rinig naming bulong ni dad kay mom.

Mom laughed. Her face glowed and happiness was written all over her face.

“What is it?” she asked playfully.

Dad smiled. Mas inilapit ang bibig sa tenga ni mommy para bumulong pero narinig pa rin naman namin ni Yulia.

“How about we go to our room and I take this dress off you, hmm?”

Pareho yata kaming kinilabutan ng kapatid ko.

“Eew!” we both exclaimed.

When I went back to the university, we didn’t have anything to do for the following week as the midterm exam week was just over. The professors were busy computing our grades and checking our papers so we were just in the classroom doing nothing.

Some of my blockmates were busy talking about the dress they made. Maingay ang classroom dahil sa kanila mostly. Some were reading fashion magazines, checking the latest trend. Gagawin yatang inspiration para sa susunod na dressmaking project namin. Mas mabuti nga na ngayon pa lang ay magkaroon na ng idea kaysa sa mismong time ng paggawa ng project pa mawalan.

There were others like Annika beside me, who were busy on Instagram as if she’d missed a lot about the world in just a week na sobrang busy namin sa midterm exam. Isa rin s’ya sa maingay. She squeals whenever she sees something even if there is nothing to squeal about!

And then some people like me were busy with our sketchpads. ’Yung brain ko, hindi pa yata tapos bumuhos ang idea. So, instead of just wasting and forgetting them, I decided to sketch them. Baka magamit ko rin in the future.

There have been times in my life when ideas flooded my mind, and I always wished I had more time and extra hands to sketch them on my sketch pad. Nakakahinayang kasing masayang ang mga idea. Since I’ve also had moments when I’ve had designer’s block and had to force myself to be creative. Those situations always frustrate me.

Kahit din pala mahal mo ang ginagawa mo, may mga instances pa rin na mapapagod ang isip mo. But when those times come, it is best to take a rest and lossen up. Don’t force yourself as the outcome won’t be good.

I heard Annika loudly gasp beside me. Hindi ko na nga sana papansinin. Kanina pa s’ya gano’n, eh. If only she hadn’t held my arm and shaken them so hard that my sketch almost got ruined! Nakasimangot ko s’yang nilingon.

“Will you stop that?”

Pero mukhang walang narinig si Annika. Hindi na n’ya hawak ang phone n’ya ngayon at nakatingin na sa labas. Mukha pang kinikilig.

“Kill is outside!” kinikilig n’yang sabi.

My frown deepened.

“Who?”

“Killian Romanov! He’s outside!”

Wala sa sariling napatingin tuloy ako sa labas. I found out that almost all my blockmates were already looking outside, also checking the guy that was in the hallway just in front of our classroom. I saw him looking at the top of our classroom’s door as if checking the room number before he looked inside.

His eyes surveyed the room. Parang may hinahanap. Isa-isa n’yang tinignan ang mga blockmate ko. I was just watching him just like everyone else.

Then our eyes met. I didn’t know what happened after that.

Nagulat ako nang masalubong ko ang tingin n’ya kaya hindi ko nagawang mag-iwas agad ng tingin. There was something or someone, like a force, that was telling me not to look away as he was also looking at me. So, I stared back at him, not minding what was happening around me.

Killian Romanov has dark brown hair. Ilang sandali ko pa ngang inisip kung dark brown ba talaga dahil sa unang tingin ay mukhang black. But because of the light behind him, it illuminates the real color of his hair. Dark brown medium length hair. Ang ibang hibla ay nililipad ng hangin at tumatama sa noo n’ya.

He had bushy thick eyebrows that matched his dark green eyes. It made him look more… cunning and wicked. As if he always has a thought that wasn’t good. He also had a pointed nose and lips that were so red. Mas makapal ang lower lip n’ya and I never thought that a man’s lips would look so sexy. As if he’s always inviting for a kiss.

He was wearing a blue striped long sleeve polo shirt. Naka-tuck in ang harap sa black maong pants n’ya at sa likod ay hindi to give his outfit a style. The sleeves were rolled to his elbows and I could see some marks on his arm peeking through the fabric.

Does he have a tattoo?

I already know from the other day that he’s tall. Noong sinadya ni Annika na banggain sila ng kapatid n’ya. But looking at him right now, mas nahalata ko ang tangkad n’ya. He has long legs and he looked so good in them. Like a model.

He’s a medium tan. Pang-model nga! He looked too manly with his ripped body and chiseled chest and shoulders. Nandoon s’ya sa harap ng classroom namin. His outfit was so casual but he looked so good in it.

I wonder if he’s a model?

Magandang lalaki kasi s’ya. Hindi na ako magtataka kung bakit bukambibig s’ya halos lahat ng mga babae sa buong university. I always hear his and his brother’s name everywhere. The students like to talk about them.

It wasn’t unusual to me whenever some girls were talking about him, saying that they wanted to share a bed with him. Of course, I knew what they meant by that. At first, I thought that they were ridiculous. Pero ngayong nakatingin ako kay Killian, I finally understand why they would say that.

Ako nga, hindi ko rin maalis ang tingin sa kanya ngayon. It was so hard to look away! It was so hard to fight that force!

But then… there was this aura around Killian that tells me he was a ruthless and dangerous man. Looking at his eyes just tells me so.

Then, I saw the side of his lips rise to a smirk. I inhaled sharply, not sure why my heart suddenly thumped loudly inside my chest. If it was because of how dangerous that smirk look was or if it was because of something else, I wasn’t sure.

“God… He’s so hot,” rinig kong bulong ni Annika sa tabi ko. I had completely forgotten about her. I had completely forgotten about everything else!

But, yeah… that man was so hot. Ano nga ’yung sinabi rin ni Annika noon?

He is godly handsome.

I saw Killian casually leaned on the wall just across from our room. He even crossed his arms over his chest and crossed his long legs while standing, as if he was going to watch something so interesting that was inside our room and he had all the time in the world.

Napakunot ang noo ko. There was nothing in here that’s interesting. Nag-iingay nga lang kanina ang mga blockmate ko. Ngayon, pinapanood na rin s’ya.

What confuses me even more was… He was still looking at me.

I suddenly didn’t know how to breathe. Ang lakas ng epekto sa ’kin ng mga titig n’ya. Hindi ko talaga magawang alisin ang tingin ko sa kanya. It was so hard, as if he was casting a spell on me. And Killian knew what was happening to me so he was smirking wickedly.

Shit…

“Oh, my gosh, Irina! He’s staring at me!” mahinang tili ni Annika sa tabi ko na niyugyog na naman ang braso ko. Napatingin ako sa kanya.

Uh, huh? So, he’s looking at Annika and not at me?

I guess… I’m wrong?

I looked back at Killian again. His smirk just widened when our eyes met again. Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin bago pa muling magparamdam sa ’kin ang kakaibang pwersa na ’yon at mahirapan na naman akong alisin ang tingin sa kanya.

Mas lalo lang kinilig si Annika sa tabi ko. She was telling me that Killian was staring at her. Paulit-ulit pa.

Okay. I guess I’m really wrong. Kay Annika nga nakatingin si Killian. Hindi sa ’kin.

I didn’t know why I felt disappointed with that.

Chapter 2

After that day, I’d been seeing Killian everywhere. It was as if the world became small for the two of us that from then on, everywhere I looked, Killian always seemed to be there.

Or is it because I started noticing him as well?

It wasn’t even like this before. Although, yes, I’ve also been hearing his name everywhere I go in the university as the students seemed to love talking about the Romanov brothers. Still, hindi man lang nagkakasalubong ang daan namin noon.

That’s why I’ve been wondering why, after almost two years at this university, our paths have suddenly crossed. We’re even in different colleges!

Okay lang sana kung paminsan-minsan. Pero kasi… araw-araw ba naman? At hindi lang iisang beses kung makita ko s’ya sa isang araw! Maraming beses pa na pakiramdam ko ay block mate ko na rin s’ya!

That wasn’t the last time we saw Killian hanging around outside our room. Nagsunod-sunod ang mga araw ng pagtambay n’ya sa labas ng room namin. Ginawa na n’ya talagang tambayan ang lugar na ’yon na para bang nakakaaliw sa kanya iyon. Wala namang nakaka-enjoy sa panonood n’ya habang nagle-lecture ang prof namin.

Killian was always there during their free time. Well, probably their free time. Always that I began thinking that if graduating business management students were like that, as if they are not having their lessons anymore.

I mean… They are graduating students. ’Di ba dapat mas busy na sila ngayon sa maraming requirements na aasikasuhin para sa graduation nila? Bakit parang mas marami yata silang free time kaysa sa mga ginagawa? Base lang sa dalas ng pagtambay ni Killian sa harap ng room namin.

Not that it should bother me though.

Pero iyon nga kasi… Lagi nga kasing nasa harap ng room namin nakatambay si Killian. Of course, I would notice! Kahit pa ayoko rin sanang pansinin. Mapapansin ko talaga lalo pa ’yung mga blockmates ko ay kinikilig kapag nandoon si Killian. S’ya na rin ang magiging topic nila na akala mo wala lang sa labas ’yung tao kung pag-usapan nila.

Tapos ’yung best friend ko pa! Nabubugbog ang mga braso ko kapag kinikilig si Annika. Which means palagi dahil nga kay Killian na madalas na nakatambay sa harap ng room namin!

Minsan nga, naiinis na ako kay Annika. Gusto ko nang gantihan, eh. Masakit kasi! Ikaw ba naman ang paulit-ulit na hampasin. Araw-araw pa! Ang bigat pa naman ng kamay nitong isang ’to.

And as if it wasn’t enough, lagi pang sinasabi ni Annika na s’ya ang tinitignan ni Killian. Hindi lang sa ’kin, maging sa iba na rin naming blockmates. And she earned a lot of hate comments from them because of that. Saying that she was just assuming it.

I thought that would be my only interaction with Killian. Him hanging out outside our room while I would sneak glances at him out of curiosity. Not that I was wishing for more though. Because for some reason, gumulo bigla ang paligid ko nang dahil kay Killian.

Ganoon pa lang. Paano pa kaya kung mas dumami pa ang interaction namin?

But then, you never really know what will happen in your life.

I was busy walking on the campus pathway one morning. Wala sa paligid ang atensyon ko as I was busy trying to find my phone inside my bag. I began recollecting what I did in the morning. Kung nalagay ko ba ang phone ko sa bag or hindi.

But I knew, I knew I was walking on the sideways. I wasn’t that stupid to walk in the middle especially when it was morning. Marami ang mga pumapasok. Ibig sabihin, marami rin ang mga dumadaang sasakyan from profs and students kaya sa gilid talaga ako naglalakad.

When suddenly, I heard a loud honk behind me. It was so loud! And because I was busy with something, it really surprised me! Napatalon pa nga ako sa gulat! I even put a hand over my chest dahil kulang na lang ay tumalon palabas ang puso ko dahil sobrang nagulat talaga ako! Ang mga estudyanteng nakakita sa ’kin ay tinawanan pa ako dahil sa naging reaksyon ko.

Naiinis kong tinignan ang kotse nang tumapat iyon sa ’kin. I glared at it even though I couldn’t see the driver as the car was heavily tinted. Pero hindi pa rin ako nagbawi ng tingin.

The pathway was wide! Alam kong wala ako sa gitna kaya hindi na ako kailangang businahan para tumabi dahil nga hindi naman ako nakaharang sa daan! Nasa sidewalk na nga ako!

I continued glaring at the car even though I looked stupid. Well, nagmukha na rin naman akong katawa-tawa kanina dahil sa driver ng kotse na ’to. Might as well show whoever was driving the car that I wouldn’t back down. Tumigil pa nga ako at hinintay kong lagpasan na ako ng kotse.

But to my surprise, the car stopped in front of me. The window on the driver’s side rolled down at dahil nandoon akong side ay kitang-kita ko kung sino ang driver ng sasakyan nang bumaba ang bintana. At mas nagulat pa ako nang mapagtanto kung sino iyon.

“Killian?” I blurted out.

I just stared at him, still surprised to see him up this close. Hindi ko kasi inaasahan ang interaction namin ngayon. Tapos ngayon ko lang s’ya nakita ng ganitong malapitan. There was always some distance between us kapag tumatambay s’ya sa harap ng room namin.

His dark green eyes were clearer now. And… They were so beautiful. I never knew that green eyes could be beautiful like this. They were refreshing to look at. As if I was looking at a green scenery that captivated me the very first time I laid my eyes on it.

Hindi ko magawang alisin ang tingin ko sa kanya. Ngayong nasa malapit s’ya, mas naging mahirap sa ’kin na labanan ang pwersang palaging nandoon kapag nagsasalubong ang tingin namin ni Killian.

Holy shit… He was even more handsome up close! He has a defined jaw and a neck so smooth that the view of his Adam’s apple as he gulped looked so sexy. His collarbone was peeking on his deep blue long-sleeve polo shirt and I could see another mark from his tattoo.

He definitely has a tattoo behind those clothes. And shit, that was… hot. I suddenly wanted to see what kind of tattoo he had.

I realized that Killian was staring back at me too. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay nakahawak pa rin sa manibela. And like what I did, he was checking me out as well. I saw him eye me from head to toe. And for the love of God, I blushed!

Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ko naramdaman ang paghagod ng tingin n’ya sa kabuuan ko. I could really feel the sensation. Parang… hinuhubaran na n’ya ako sa tingin pa lang. His eyes had that effect. Kaya rin siguro maraming babae ang nababaliw sa kanya.

I should feel offended but… Shit… Ewan ko! Nag-blush pa nga ako!

I saw Killian smirk. Hindi ko alam kung para saan. Probably at my reaction stupidly blushing because of him. Mas napasimangot lang tuloy ako, hoping to hide my blush with my frown.

And Killian, the asshole, had the nerve to chuckle! Nabawasan ang pagkakasimangot ko nang marinig ang mababang pagtawa n’ya. I haven’t heard his voice yet but… That chuckle was enough to tell me that he had a deep, gruff sexy voice. The type that could make girls feel something by just hearing it.

I suddenly wished that I could hear him speak just to prove if my hunch was right.

I groaned inwardly. See? Nagugulo talaga ang mundo ko dahil kay Killian!

Killian chuckled again and I had to grit my teeth so I wouldn’t get much affected. Of course, I failed. Nakita kong napailing muna si Killian before he rolled up the window and drove away. Leaving me there looking more stupid than earlier.

I rolled my eyes heavenwards when I noticed some students looking at me. Killian, the asshole, didn’t even apologize! Halatang sinadya n’ya ang ginawa n’ya kanina!

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. Sinubukan kong huwag maapektuhan sa presensya ni Killian. Sa nangyari ngayon.

I didn’t know why this was happening to me now. Kung bakit napapadalas ang pagku-krus ng landas namin ni Killian. Dati naman ay hindi. Tahimik ang buhay ko noon. Stress lang sa acads at focus sa pag-improve ng mga design ko. Wala ng iba pang distranctions.

But somehow, ever since that one encounter with Killian na hindi naman talaga kami ang nagkaroon ng encounter dahil hindi naman kami nagkausap at nagkita lang because of that stupid stunt that Annika did, it somehow started our paths to get more tangled.

At hindi ako natutuwa because for some reason, Killian was affecting me with just his stares! With just his presence!

Pero iba naman si Annika. Tuwang-tuwa pa talaga ang kaibigan ko.

“Killian is here again!” bulong ni Annika sa tabi ko dahil may prof na nagdi-discuss sa harap. 

I was busy taking down notes. Ang atensyon ko ay nasa prof namin but even if she hadn’t told me that, I already knew that Killian was outside our classroom again. Narinig ko na kasi sa mga kaklase kong malakas bumulong. Plus, nandoon na naman kasi ’yung kakaibang feeling na lagi kong nararamdaman kapag nagkakasalubong ang tingin namin.

I could feel his stares. His heavy stares could prickle my skin and I don’t know how he was doing that. And I also felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up as if someone was watching me.

I mean… Hindi naman ako ang tinitingnan ni Killian, ’di ba? So, how the hell could I feel all of that?

I heard Annika sigh dreamily beside me.

“He’s so hot… I want him to fuck me.”

Nasamid ako kahit wala naman akong iniinom or kinakain. Nanlalaki ang mga matang napatingin ako kay Annika. Nakapangalumbaba pa talaga s’ya habang nakatingin sa labas na parang ini-imagine na n’ya kung ano’ng gusto n’yang mangyari at wala man lang s’yang pakialam sa prof naming nagdi-discuss sa harap!

“What did you say?” nag-eeskandalo kong bulong.

Natawa si Annika sa tono ng boses ko.

“Come on, Irina… A lot of women in this university wish to bed him! We all wanted to know how he is in bed!” She giggled again. Medyo lumapit pa s’ya sa ’kin at aktong bubulong. “And I just want to confirm if it’s true.”

I frowned.

“What is?”

She looked at me as if I was dumb.

“If he really has a piercing!”

Wala sa sariling napatingin ako sa labas ng room namin para tingnan si Killian at i-check kung may suot nga s’yang hikaw. But I immediately looked away when I saw him already looking at me.

“I don’t think he has a piercing,” sabi ko kay Annika dahil hindi ko masyadong nakita kung meron nga. Nagulat kasi ako nang magsalubong ang mga mata namin!

Annika’s eyes widened. Parang may sinabi akong hindi kapani-paniwala sa kanya.

“You saw it?”

Mas lalong napakunot ang noo ko. Hindi maintindihan kung para saan ang gulat n’ya.

I mean, she could also check it, right? If Killian has a piercing or not. All she had to do was to look at him outside!

“He doesn’t have one on his ears,” sabi kong mabilis na sumulyap kay Killian at ibinalik din agad ang tingin kay Annika.

She just stared at me for a while before she actually laughed! Napatingin ako sa harap, nag-aalala na baka mapagalitan kami ng prof dahil medyo may kalakasan ang pagtawa ni Annika.

Geez… This woman could really get me in trouble.

“Oh, Irina… You’re really innocent, dochka ,” nangingiting sabi ni Annika. “That’s not what I meant!”

I frowned at her again.

“What?”

“It’s not on the ear!” Mas lumapit pa sa ’kin si Annika para bumulong. “They say Killian has a frenum piercing! A piercing on his cock!”

Malakas akong napasinghap. Sa sobrang lakas ay nakakuha iyon ng atensyon. Unfortunately, it also got our prof’s attention.

“Something wrong, Miss Morozova?” tanong ng prof namin na nakataas pa ang isang kilay.

Umayos ako ng upo at tumikhim.

“Nothing, miss.”

Our prof stared at me for a while, giving me a warning with her eyes before she resumed the lesson.

Napahagikgik si Annika sa tabi ko nang wala na sa amin ang atensyon ng prof namin. I glared at her, silently cursing her in my mind dahil napagalitan ako dahil sa kanya!

Kasalanan n’ya ’to, eh! Kung ano-ano kasi ang pinagsasabi n’ya.

Goodness… What the hell did she say? Killian has a piercing on his…

Shit! I don’t want to imagine. I don’t even want to think about it.

Pero ang magaling kong kaibigan, mukhang hindi pa tapos sa kalokohan n’ya. Muling lumapit sa ’kin at bumulong.

“And they say he has a huge cock too!”

“Annika!” mahina kong saway sa kanya at kinurot ko na talaga s’ya sa braso.

But Annika just giggled even more as if she was enjoying my misery. I glared at her one last time before deciding to just ignore her.

Nakakainis talaga si Annika. Puro kalokohan! ’Ayan tuloy, imbes na malinis ang utak ko, naisip ko na naman ang sinabi n’ya. Na-curious ako bigla.

Like… Is that possible? Isn’t that painful?

Wala sa sariling napatingin na naman ako sa labas. I stared at Killian.

He has a strong body for sure. The body of a model. I know that he has hard muscles behind his clothes. Sa braso n’ya pa nga lang, kita na ang matitigas na muscles n’ya. Humahapit din ang damit n’ya sa katawan. As if there wasn’t any part of him that was soft.

So, a piercing on his— I cleared my throat. I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt him. Mukhang hindi n’ya iindahin iyon.

Killian looked up and caught me staring at him. Napapitlag pa ako sa biglaang pagsasalubong na naman ng mga tingin namin.

By coincidence, he always caught my stares. Shit… Baka isipin pa n’yang palagi ko s’yang tinitignan!

As if he could read my mind, the side of his lips rose for a smirk. I even saw his lips move as if he was trying to say something. But I knew he was just mouthing the words.

I looked at his lips to read what he was trying to say.

“I-ri-na. Mo-ro-zo-va.”

My face heated. The way his lips moved as he mouthed my name was so sexy that it gave me a strange feeling in my body. Bahagya pa ngang nanginig ang mga kamay ko sa pakiramdam na ’yon. And I could also feel the loud thumping of my heart against my chest.

Hindi ko pa naririnig na magsalita si Killian. Only his chuckle and it sound sexy as hell, but I could almost hear him saying my name in that deep, gruff sexy voice. I almost wish I could really hear him say my name.

I bet it would sound so hot.

Natigilan ako. What the heck? What was that?

Kahit nahihirapan ay nag-iwas ako ng tingin kay Killian. I tried to focus my attention back to our prof pero mas ramdam ko lang ngayon ang titig ni Killian sa ’kin.

I just sat there, unmoving. My back was stiff as a stick.

“What’s wrong?” tanong ni Annika nang mahalata sigurong may kakaiba sa ’kin.

I just pursed my lips as I shook my head. Ayokong magsalita. For some reason, ganoon kalakas ang epekto ni Killian sa ’kin na hindi ko magawang makapagsalita.

That proved it. Killian is no ordinary man.

Chapter 3

I was inside my workroom in our house. Nakaharap ako sa sewing machine, sinusundan at pinag-aaralan ang mga pattern na nakadikit sa wall sa tapat ko. Mas madali ko kasing matututunan kung actual kong gagawin ang pattern kaysa tititigan ko lang or kakabisaduhin.

I was practicing my dressmaking skills, hoping that there would be an improvement this day. Kahit kaunti lang. I just really want to learn and improve something today.

Naalala ko kasi ang mga napuna sa gawa ko noon ng prof namin. My mom noticed those that needed improvements too. Ibig sabihin, halatang-halata ang mga mali ko noon dahil pareho nilang napansin. Kaya sa tingin ko ay malaking improvement ang kakailanganin ko roon so my work would at least seem perfect. Goal ko sanang magmukhang perfect ang gawa ko bago man lang ako maka-graduate sa course ko.

My focus wasn’t really on dressmaking in this course. It was more on designing and I was better at it. Pero magkadikit kasi ang dalawa. If I want to become a successful designer, I should at least learn how to make a dress properly.

Mas mabuti na ang ganoon. Para in case na may gusto akong gawin na design which was complicated that only I could understand how to do it, pwedeng ako na ang gumawa noon. Because there will be that time in your life as a designer when something like that will happen. A design that you will have a hard time explaining to the dressmakers how to make it.

Kaya nga mostly sa mga designer, kayang gawin na ang mismong design nila. In most cases, they were the one who’s making the dresses in their clothing line. Iyong malalaking brand at kilala na ang mga nagha-hire ng dressmaker para sa mass production.

I wanted to start at the very beginning. I wanted to learn the process. To learn every detail. And to perfect it.

Because my mom was a well-known international super model, nakadikit ang pangalan n’ya sa ’kin. And most people, especially my professors, were expecting me to be better at my work than my classmates. That I was born with talent because my mother was the famous Catherine Della. Kaya ’yung expectation nila sa ’kin, sobrang taas.

Of course, hindi ko maiiwasan ang makaramdam ng pressure. But mom would always be there to remind me to enjoy myself along the way. I think she was aware of others’ expectations from me kaya paulit-ulit n’ya iyong pinapaalala sa ’kin.

And if she wanted me to enjoy it, then I would. After all, it is my dream. I wanted to become a fashion designer so I even made a promise to myself that I would achieve it no matter what happens.

But it wasn’t that easy. Dito nga sa dressmaking, nahihirapan na rin ako. It was just so confusing! Nakakalitong sundan ang mga pattern. Tapos hirap din akong i-control ’yung tela sa tahi na gusto ko!

I groaned inwardly. That’s why most of their comments about my work were about the stitches! I would admit that it looked sloppy. Medyo hindi rin ayos ang fitting. And I wanted so much to improve in this part!

Natigil lang ako sa pagpaparusa at pag-i-stress sa sarili ko nang makarinig ng mahihinang katok sa pinto ng workroom ko. Lumingon ako sa pintuan at sakto naman na bahagyang bumukas ang pinto. Sumilip ang kapatid ko na nakita ko muna ang paghahanap ng mata n’ya sa ’kin bago alanganing ngumiti.

“What are you doing?” Then she noticed that I was in front of the sewing machine. “Oh, my gosh. Did I disturb you?”

I smiled at her before I shook my head.

“No… It’s okay.”

Pero mukha pa ring nag-aalangan ang itsura ni Yulia. She looked so guilty to think that she really did disturb me.

“You’re not doing something important?” paniniguro pa n’ya.

“No. I’m just practicing my dressmaking skills.” I even stood up from my chair to prove that I wasn’t really doing anything important. Iyong kailangang matapos agad. “Come in.”

Yulia smiled before she pushed the door wide open and let herself in. Isinarado n’ya rin ang pinto nang makapasok s’ya at umupo sa bean bag chair na nasa isang tabi ng kwarto.

“What’s up?” tanong ko dahil halata namang may kailangan si Yulia. Sinadya pa talaga ako rito kahit alam naman n’yang lagi akong may ginagawa kapag nandito ako sa workroom. She was just right in timing today dahil hindi ko naman kailangang matapos agad ang ginagawa ko.

But Yulia shook her head.

“Nothing…”

I squinted my eyes at her. Clearly not believing her answer.

“You’re lying. You wouldn’t disturb me here if it’s nothing.”

She frowned. Her lips pouted as she did so.

“You lied as well. I did disturb you.”

Natawa na ako. Hindi ko na itinama ang sinabi n’ya at naupo sa carpeted floor sa harap n’ya.

“What’s up?” I asked.

Yulia looked like she was having a battle inside her head if she would speak or not. Naghintay lang ako sa sasabihin n’ya.

“I have something to say to mom and dad. Can you help me get their permission?”

Nangunot ang noo ko.

“What for?”

Yulia took a deep breath as if she was readying herself for what she was about to tell me.

“I want to dye my hair blonde.”

Well, that surprised me. Nang pumasok s’ya kanina sa kwarto ko, alam ko namang may kailangan na s’ya. Pero hindi man lang pumasok sa isip ko na sa ganitong bagay n’ya pala hihingin ang tulong ko.

Dye her hair blonde? What the hell?

Naguluhan talaga ako kung bakit bigla n’ya yatang naisipan iyon. And I just couldn’t imagine her in blonde!

Yulia has long black hair. A beautiful black straight hair just like our mom. Her hair really suits her so I didn’t even think I would hear her say something like this one day.

“Why do you want to suddenly dye your hair blonde?”  hindi ko na talaga napigilang itanong. It was just so sudden!

Yulia shrugged her shoulders.

“No reason really.”

Now that’s bullshit. I was so damn sure that she was lying right now.

“Yulia, if you really want my help, then you should be honest with me. I wouldn’t be able to help you if you won’t tell me the reason why you wanted blonde hair all of a sudden!”

Mas lalo kong nakita ang pag-aalangan sa kapatid ko. Ilang sandali pa bago s’ya bumuntong-hininga.

“There’s a guy I like.”

Well, I didn’t expect that either. Parang automatic na tumaas ang isang kilay ko.

Yulia immediately looked defensive.

“Now, don’t judge. Just hear me out first.”

I tried to stop myself from smiling as Yulia looked frustrated. I don’t know. She just looked so cute! The way she’s acting right now made me feel that for her, I am an older sister that she can depend on. That if anything goes wrong, she wouldn’t think twice to ask for my help.

“Okay… I won’t speak,” I promised.

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “So, there’s a guy I like and he’s a year older than me. He’s really cute, Irina, and I am not the only one who likes him. He’s like… the campus heartthrob.”

Natigilan ako. Bigla na lang may isang lalaking pumasok sa isip ko. And it was so random dahil nakikinig lang naman ako sa sinasabi ng kapatid ko!

I stopped myself from groaning. Pati ba naman ngayong wala akong pasok, magugulo ang isip ko dahil kay Killian?

Pero halos pareho kasi si Killian sa lalaking kinukuwento ng kapatid ko. A lot of girls both liked them, and they were like the campus heartthrob.

I didn’t want to use those words. Campus heartthrob. Para kasing ang cringey pakinggan.

But then, there was one thing that made Killian different from the guy that Yulia likes.

Killian was far from being cute. He looked ruthless and all his features looked harsh. Parang laging may pinaplanong hindi maganda.

I shook my head and focused on Yulia.

“And I noticed that his ex-girlfriends were blonde. He likes blonde girls. That’s why I wanted to dye my hair blonde.”

Now, what?

“He doesn’t know me. I doubt he even knew about my existence at all. That’s why I thought that he would finally notice me if I changed my hair color.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng uunahin kong maramdaman at kung ano’ng uunahing isipin. The fact that Yulia likes a guy so much that she’s willing to dye her hair blonde or the fact that this guy doesn’t notice my sister enough that she’s willing to change herself just so he’ll notice her.

Para kasi sa ’kin, bata pa ang kapatid ko. I think I would forever see her as my baby sister no matter how old we got. But I was trying to understand that it was normal for girls her age to develop a crush on someone. I was once her age too.

And teenagers like hers, alam kong exciting sa kanila ang pagkakaroon ng crushes. I know ’cause I was once like that. Ang iba pa nga, kung minsan, kahit wala namang xcrush doon sa tao, they would pretend that they have a crush on them para lang makasabay sa usapan. And some would be in a hurry to be in a relationship to fit in the group.

But I didn’t like what Yulia was trying to do. It was just a crush. Hindi ko yata hahayaan ang gusto n’yang mangyari. I didn’t want her to change herself just for that guy. Hindi ko pa nakikilala ’yung lalaki pero ayoko na agad sa kanya para sa kapatid ko.

I sighed. I sat beside Yulia on the bean bag chair. Inakbayan ko s’ya.

“Yulia… You didn’t have to dye your hair just for this guy to like you.”

“But he likes blonde girls. And I’m not blonde.” She looked at me and I saw sadness mixed with envy in her eyes. “I wish I had hair like yours.”

Natahimik ako sandali. I had the urge to tell her what I’ve been hiding for so long now. I had the urge to tell her about my ugly feeling. Marami akong gustong sabihin dahil sa narinig ko sa kanya pero mas pinili kong pagtuunan ng pansin ang nararamdaman ng kapatid ko.

“Then, are you just going to dye your hair forever to keep it blonde? It would ruin your hair. And if that happens, maybe that guy wouldn’t like you anymore.” I gave her a gentle smile. “Would you like it? That something might be ruined in you just for this guy to like you?”

“What should I do then?”

“Just be yourself.”

“But he won’t notice me!”

“Then make him notice you by being yourself. Because you are already lovable, Yulia… You’re beautiful just the way you are.”

I smiled. Iniipit ko ang ilang hibla ng buhok n’ya sa likod ng tenga n’ya.

“And you know what? I envy your hair, Yulia. I want hair like yours. I wish I had hair like yours.”

Nakita ko ang gulat sa mga mata n’ya. Mukhang hindi inaasahan ang sinabi ko.

“You do?”

I nodded. I wanted to be honest with her. Matagal ko ’tong itinago but I think she needed to hear this right now.

It’s okay… Kailangan ’to ng kapatid ko.

“Yes. See? Some people would want to be you. Some people would want to be in your place. So, I hope you won’t ignore or forget the good qualities that you have. You don’t have to change yourself because a lot of people already love you for who you are. We love you this way, Yulia.”

Napangiti na s’ya. And the happiness on her face made me sigh in relief.

Hindi ko kasi alam kung magiging effective ba ang advice ko. Heck, I’m not an expert in love! I only had one boyfriend before and that was only because all my friends had one and I wanted to fit in. I wanted to feel that I belonged. Ayokong nu’ng feeling na ma-out of place kapag pinag-uusapan nila ang mga boyfriend nila o hindi kaya ay wala akong nasasagot kapag nagtatanong sila.

But then, I didn’t have fun. Hindi rin nagtagal ang relationship namin so we broke up. It was a mutual decision. I bet he thinks that I was such a lame girlfriend.

I have no idea how guys think. But then, I didn’t want my sister to change something in her when there were people who already loved her for who she was. And I know there is a guy out there who would love her the way she is.

Yulia hugged me and I immediately hugged her back.

“I love you, Irina…”

I smiled as I caressed her hair. It was so soft. Buhay na buhay ang buhok n’ya.

What I told her earlier was the truth. I wish I had hair like hers. Marami pang mga bagay ang meron ang kapatid kong hiniling ko rin na sana ay meron din ako.

Practice what you preach, huh…

Pareho kaming napatingin ni Yulia sa pinto nang may kumatok doon. Then we heard our dad’s voice.

“Irina? Is Yulia there?”

Bago pa ako nakasagot ay bumukas na ang pinto at sumilip si Dad. He smiled when he saw Yulia.

“Ah, vot vy gde ,” he said, all smiles as he went inside the room. Tumayo s’ya sa harap namin at pareho kaming napatingala ni Yulia sa kanya.

“You looking for me, Dad?”

“ Da, dochka. Have you forgotten about your cello lesson today?“

“Oh! Right!” She giggled.

Napatingin ako sa suot ni Yulia. She didn’t look like she had forgotten about it as she dressed up for her cello lesson. Nakabihis din si daddy and I figured he would drive Yulia to the studio.

Dad gave Yulia a soft smile. Mukhang hindi naman nainis. He then looked at me.

“Is this little girl bothering you?”

“I am not!” Yulia said before I could even answer.

I smiled and shook my head.

“No, dad. We’re just having some girl talk.”

Yulia eyes widened when she looked at me, giving me a warning. Akala yata ay sasabihin ko kay Dad kung ano’ng pinag-usapan namin.

So, she didn’t want to tell our parents about that guy, huh? I wonder what she would say to them kung bakit gusto n’yang magpa-blonde bigla ng buhok. Oh… That’s why she needed my help!

Dad chuckled.

“Alright. C’mon, Yulia. Get up.”

Yulia groaned. Mukhang ayaw pang umalis pero ngumiti rin at itinaas ang dalawang braso na parang nagpapatayo. Game naman si Dad at hinila ang mga kamay ni Yulia na agad yumakap sa bewang n’ya. Dad kissed her on the top of her head.

I smiled as I watched them. Hindi maipagkakailang Morozova nga si Yulia. Malaki ang pagkakahawig n’ya kay Dad. Walang magdududa.

While here I am… Always hearing that I didn’t look like a Morozova.

Yulia has black hair just like Mom and Dad. She also had our dad’s brown eyes and it was one of those things I envied about her.

I wish I had brown eyes too. With that, I could at least feel that I belonged here.

Maybe that’s why I’ve also been trying so hard to achieve my dream. Isa rin siguro iyon sa naging dahilan kung bakit fashion designing ang naging pangarap ko. Because it was my mother’s world. And I wanted to be in her world. I wanted to feel that I belonged in her world.

That’s why I didn’t need any distractions now. Wala na akong pakialam kung may boyfriend man ang mga kaibigan ko at hindi ako makasabay sa usapan nila. Right now, I want to focus on improving my skills.

Kaya ’yung nagiging distraction ko rin lately, I wanted to ignore it. I wanted to ignore Killian. Na sa tingin ko ay mukhang magiging madali rin naman.

It would be easy, right? All I have to do is ignore him. To pretend that he’s not existing.

That’s what I planned to do but… I was wrong. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I could easily spot Killian anywhere. Palagi s’yang nahahanap ng mga mata ko. Just like that morning when I went to university.

This time, I saw the Romanov brothers. And they looked like… Are they bullying someone?

I mean, what would you call it when they were talking to some guy who looked really scared of them. He was sitting on the bench and beside him was Killian’s brother. I wasn’t sure but I think his name was Serj.

Nakaupo rin si Serj sa tabi ng lalaking mukhang binu-bully nila. He was sitting so casually as if they were not doing anything wrong. He even had his legs crossed and his elbows were leaning on the stone table behind him, revealing some skin on his chest as the first two buttons of his black long-sleeve polo shirt were open. He looked even bored to death.

While Killian was standing in front of the guy. He had his left foot up on the bench sa isang gilid ng lalaki kung saan hindi nakaupo si Serj kaya walang takas ang lalaki sa kanila. He easily did that as he had long legs.

Killian’s hands were inside the pocket of his black slacks. He was smirking down at the guy who couldn’t meet his eyes out of so much fear. Unlike Serj, Killian looked like he was enjoying himself.

Isang bagay lang ang pumasok agad sa isip ko. I have to get out of there. Aatras na sana ako at mag-iiba ng daan. Iignorahin din sila gaya ng ginagawa ng ibang estudyanteng nakakakita rin sa kanila. As I didn’t want to tangle myself more with Killian.

I already made a promise to myself that there would be no more distractions. Kaya mabuting ngayon pa lang ay umiwas na ako bago pa lumalala ang kung anumang nangyayari sa ’kin.

But then, Killian suddenly turned my way as if he knew that someone was watching him. As if he knew that I was watching him. Hindi kasi s’ya nagulat nang makitang nakatayo lang ako ilang hakbang lang ang layo kung nasa’n s’ya. I even saw amusement in his eyes. Mukhang naaaliw na makita ako roon.

My plan to get out of there suddenly flew out the window. I just stood there looking back at Killian. Kasi ganoon naman lagi ang epekto n’ya sa ’kin. I always seemed to forget where I was or what I should do whenever our eyes met.

I saw Killian scoff, hiding a smirk as he raised an eyebrow at me. Ibinaba pa n’ya ang paa na nakapatong sa space sa gilid ng lalaki at umayos ng tayo. His body faced me and he tilted his head to the side before he stared hard at me.

I gulped. Bigla akong kinabahan. There were only a few steps away from him but for some reason, I could really feel him. As if he was nearer than he is. Than what he supposedly is.

I could feel the intensity of his gaze. Aware na aware ako sa presensya n’ya as if it was rubbing on my face that he was just there, in front of me, standing only a few steps away. And this time, wala nang nakaharang na kahit ano sa pagitan namin. Not even my classmates or our classroom window. Not even his car.

I see him. I could really see him.

And I felt scared. Ilang hakbang pa ang nasa pagitan namin pero sobrang lakas na ng epekytong ibinibigay n’ya sa ’kin.

Ah, shit. No… This is not good. Ito nga ang pinakainiiwas-iwasan ko.

What happened to my ‘no more distraction’? Ito ngang pagkakita ko pa lang kay Killian right after I made that promise, nakalimutan ko na agad kung ano’ng dapat kong gawin! Nakikipagtitigan pa talaga ako sa kanya!

Damn it… What a joke. I really hate what’s happening to me.

“Kill?”

I blinked. Napatingin ako kay Serj na nagsalita. He was looking at his brother with a frown on his face. Mukhang nagtataka sa inaakto ng kapatid.

Then he followed his brother’s gaze. Nakatingin na rin tuloy sa ’kin si Serj ngayon. His face was void with emotions but his blue eyes, which Injust noticed, were full of curiosity. Mas lalo lang nadagdagan ang kaba ko as this brother was intimidating as well!

Killian chuckled. He looked at his brother.

“Yes, boss?”

I fought the urge to gasp loudly. There is it. I finally heard it. I finally heard his voice. And I was so damn wrong about it.

The only word that would fit describing how his voice sounded was that… it was sexy. 

Holy shit… His voice sounded so sexy as hell! Buong-buo at lalaking-lalaking pakinggan. It was gruff and low, sounding raspy as he talked. Na para bang nang-aakit s’ya kapag nagsasalita pero hindi naman talaga. Because that’s just how his voice is. Masarap lang talagang pakinggan.

And I wanted more. I wanted to hear his voice more.

Damn it. This is not really good for me.

Ilang sandaling tinitigan pa ako ni Serj bago n’ya muling balingan si Killian.

“What’s wrong?”

Killian let out a low chuckle. And this time, hindi ko na talaga mapigilan ang pagsinghanp.

Fuck that voice. I think it is now my favorite sound in the world.

“Forgive me, boss,” Killian said but he didn’t look apologetic at all. “You know me. I always get distracted whenever I see something beautiful.”

Killian looked at me right after he said that. His eyes stared intently at me as if he wanted to bore holes in me to remind me of his existence. So, that I wouldn’t have to think about pretending that he didn’t exist anymore.

And he’s succeeding. God damn it, he’s doing really well.

“And I just saw one. Right now. In front of me.” Killian had a ghost smirk on his lips. “And she’s the most beautiful I’ve ever seen.”

Napalunok ulit ako. Nag-init yata ang buong katawan ko and I freaking knew I was blushing really hard right now.

Because I knew, this time, I was so sure of it, Killian was talking about me.

Snap out of it, Irina!

I took a deep shaky breath. I was trembling and it became hard for me to stand straight. Killian’s effect on me was too much that I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t take all of it.

So, before I could embarrass myself in front of them, I willed myself to move. I was thankful that I didn’t trip when I took a step. Iniiwas ko ang tingin sa magkapatid at tuloy-tuloy na naglakad, silently praying that I could get out of there safe and sound.

I was aware that the two Romanovs were watching me as I walked past them. Pero hindi ako lumingon. Hindi ako lumingon at deretso lang na naglakad kahit pa nang dumaan ako sa gilid ni Killian. Even went I caught the scent of his cologne; I didn’t look at him.

Halos hindi na ako huminga para lang hindi ko tuluyang maamoy ang pabango n’ya. Because damn it to hell, he smelled so freaking good!

Hindi ko na masyadong binigyan pa ng pansin iyon at kinalimutan na rin agad. I had to if I really wanted to get out of there fast. Dahil kung hindi, makakalimutan ko na naman kung ano’ng dapat kong gawin.

I just continued walking and it was only when I finally entered our college building that I managed to breathe properly. Pero sa bawat paghinga ko ay nanginginig ako. I was breathing shakily.

At nang makapasok na ako sa room namin, mabilis akong umupo sa pwesto ko. Tuluyan nang nawala ang lakas ng mga tuhod ko. My hands were even trembling. Ipinatong ko ang mga siko sa desk. I buried my face in my hands and took several deep breaths as I tried to calm myself.

“ Proklyat’ye! Proklyat’ye! “ I hissed repeatedly, cursing in Russian. My voice was muffled on my palms.

Shit… Shit… I was wrong. I was so wrong.

This is bad. I knew it would be hard for me to ignore Killian. And he was making it harder for me to do so.

Chapter 4

I was restless for the next few hours after what happened. I still couldn’t calm my nerves even after hours had already passed. And it makes me feel more frustrated as I couldn’t concentrate on the lesson! Kahit ano’ng pilit ko sa sarili kong intindihin ang mga sinasabi ng prof namin sa harap, hindi talaga nagre-register ang mga sinasabi n’ya sa utak ko.

Ah, shit… I should get a hold of myself. Importante pa naman ang lesson namin ngayong araw. And I didn’t want to fail with any subject!

At ang mas nakakainis pa, ganoong interaction lang with Killian ay nagkakaganito na agad ako. I just heard his voice. Ni hindi nga kami nag-usap! I just stared at him as he stared back at me. At mas naging malapit din ang distansya namin ngayon compared to the usual when he was just outside our room, watching what’s happening inside.

Watching me.

Now, I really think it was me that he was watching kapag tumatambay s’ya sa labas ng room namin. That I was right with what I thought when he first appeared outside our room. That it was me he was staring at that day. That I wasn’t just assuming things back then.

But why would he even watch me? And every day? I just couldn’t understand and no matter how hard I tried to think of a reason why he was doing what he was doing, I just couldn’t find one. Like why would he waste his time watching over someone like me?

I shivered. What the hell… I just realized that it was creepy. What he was doing was creepy. That someone was watching over you without knowing any reason why.

Yes. It was definitely creepy. But Killian had just a different effect on me kaya hindi ganoon ang nararamdaman ko.

I rested my elbow on the desk table. Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko. Tuluyan nang nawala ang atensyon ko sa lesson namin ngayon.

I think everything isn’t right. What I feel isn’t right.

I cursed inwardly. We haven’t even had any real, as in real interaction yet he was affecting me this much! He was distracting me so much that I couldn’t even concentrate on the lesson right now!

The hell… And yet I promised myself that there wouldn’t be any more distractions.

Naiinis ako. Mas lalo sa sarili ko dahil hinahayaan ko ang sarili kong maapektuhan ng ganito sa isang lalaking hindi ko naman talaga kilala. Sa lalaking hindi ko pa nga nakaka-usap kahit isang beses lang!

I let out a groan. Napalakas yata dahil napatingin sa ’kin si Annika na seryosong nakikinig sa prof naming nasa harap.

“Are you okay, Irina?” she even asked. 

Tinanggal ko ang mga kamay ko sa buhok at tinignan si Annika. I saw concern in her eyes that was mixed with confusion. She must’ve thought that there was something wrong with me or I’m just going crazy as it was unusual for me to get distracted with the lesson.

Buti pa ’tong si Annika. S’ya itong may gusto kay Killian pero mukhang hindi gano’ng kalakas ang epekto ni Killian sa kanya kaysa sa ’kin.

Wait… Is it really Killian that she likes? Or the other Romanov?

Ah… I don’t know. Lahat naman yata ng gwapo ay crush nitong si Annika.

I let out another sigh and gave her a helpless smile.

“I think…” alanganin kong sabi.

“Are you sick or something?” may pag-aalala pa ring tanong n’ya.

“Or something…” wala sa hwisyo kong sabi.

Annika looked at me like I’d just grown a third eye on my forehead.

“Now, I’m sure there’s something wrong with you.”

I sighed. Tumingin ako sa professor namin na patuloy pa ring nagle-lesson. Nagpangalumbaba ako. We were in our lecture room. Elevated ang mga upuan at ang professor ay nasa pinakababa so there wasn’t anything that would be in the way in my line of sight. Walang problema kahit mas matangkad pa sa ’kin ang nasa unahan ko dahil elevated naman ang upuan.

But for some reason, it still feels like there was something in my line of sight that I couldn’t concentrate on what the professor was saying. Mas madali kasi sa ’kin ang mag-focus kapag nakikita ko ang nagsasalita. Pero hindi gano’n ang nangyayari sa ’kin ngayon.

Killian wasn’t even outside the room as this wasn’t our usual room kung saan s’ya madalas tumatambay at nagpapaalis ng oras. Yet it didn’t feel like that to me. As he had been on my mind since that morning.

He wasn’t the first attractive guy I’d ever met. In my mom’s world, there were a lot of gorgeous men. Ilang beses na rin akong nakapunta sa fashion shows n’ya where she was a model at ang mga co-models n’yang lalaki were like God’s gifts to woman.

Yet Killian was the only one who could make me feel this way, who could break my concentration. He was the only one that managed to really make his way into my mind.

“Do you want to go to the nurse?” tanong ni Annika maya-maya kaya napatingin ulit ako sa kanya bago umiling.

“It’s okay. Don’t mind me. Just focus on the lesson.”

Annika frowned. ’Yung itsura n’ya, hindi alam kung saan ako dadalhin. Kung sa clinic ba ng university namin o deretso na sa hospital.

“Irina, the professor already left.”

“What?”

Tumingin ako sa harapan at nakitang wala na nga ang prof doon. Nagkaroon na rin ng ibat-ibang mundo ang mga block mate namin. It was then that I realized that the lecture room became noisy with the overlapping voices from my classmates.

The hell? So tapos na nga ang lesson namin?

“Oh, uhm…” Niligpit ko ang mga gamit kong nasa ibabaw ng desk at inilagay iyon sa bag ko. “Let’s go.” Tumayo na rin ako.

“Where?” Annika asked. Her frown deepened.

“Outside for lunch? I mean our lesson’s done, right?”

Annika let out a frustrated sigh.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Irina? We still have one more subject left before lunch!”

I blinked.

“Here?”

“Yeah,” she said as if it was so obvious and I failed to grasp the idea.

Napakurap ulit ako. I stared at her, trying to drink in what she said and that was when I only understood it.

That’s right… May isang subject pa nga kami before lunch time and the next professor was kind enough to let us use this room on her time instead na bumalik pa kami sa ’min. I guess it was also because their faculty room was nearer here.

Marahan akong bumalik sa pagkakaupo, trying to look like there was nothing wrong as Annika was looking at me like that. Nginitian ko na lang s’ya nang makaupo na ako pero hindi pa rin n’ya ako nilubayan ng tingin.

Good thing that our classmate in front of her asked her something kaya nawala sa ’kin ang atensyon n’ya. I took a deep breath and sighed. I hoped it would calm me and finally get back on track again.

Sa mga minutong hinihintay namin ang susunod na prof ay sinusubukan ko lang pakalmahin ang sarili ko. I tried reading my notes from our lessons before. Iyong mga favorite lesson ko at naiintindihan ko talaga.

I succeeded. Sana pala kanina ko pa ginawa ko para hindi nasayang ang umaga ko sa pagtunganga at sa pag-iisip sa lalaking tanging nagpagulo sa isip ko.

Pumasok na ang prof namin para sa Finance Management. Nagsibalik ang ilang mga kaklase ko sa upuan nila at tumahimik na rin ang buong classroom nang nasa harap na ang professor. Umayos na rin ako ng pagkakaupo. But the noise came back again when we saw someone who isn’t our block mate entered the room.

The hell? What is Killian doing here? Bakit pumasok na s’ya ng room namin? Napagod na ba s’ya sa pagtambay sa labas at talagang pumasok na sa loob ngayon?

Suddenly, the minutes I focused on calming myself became nonsense now. Because as soon as I saw Killian, that powerful effect came crashing back onto me again.

Maingay ang lecture room dahil sa pagbulung-bulungan ng mga kaklase ko. They were confused as to why Killian entered the room. Pero halos wala akong marinig. Ang buong atensyon ko ay nakuha na ng taong kapapasok lang ng room namin.

“Go on, Mr. Romanov. Take a seat,” sabi pa ng prof namin na mas lalong nagpalito sa ’kin.

I felt Annika’s hand on my arm, shaking it vigorously. Wala sa sariling napatingin ako sa kanya.

“I think Killian will sit in on this subject!” she said. Mukha pang kinikilig.

Sit in? Makiki-sit in si Killian?

Killian surveyed the whole room. Naghahanap yata ng mauupuan. I swear I heard someone say that she wished that Killian would sit beside her. May pakiramdam din akong iyon din ang hinihiling ng karamihan ng mga nasa room.

Until Killian’s eyes stopped when he met mine. I held my breath as I noticed the side of his lips rose for a small smirk. It was barely noticeable and I wasn’t even sure how in the world I still noticed that. I think I was just so aware of him na kahit maliliit na kilos n’ya ay pansin na pansin ko.

He started walking in my direction and I think I forgot how to breathe. He was walking so casually but, in my eyes, he almost looked like those male models who were walking on the runway. He was wearing a crimson red button-down long-sleeve polo shirt tucked in his black slacks. It looked so good on him. Kanina ko pa talaga iyon napansin. As if crimson red is his color.

Killian. Crimson red. Kill. Blood…

I was on the aisle kaya nang tumigil si Killian sa gilid ko ay halos maestatwa na ako. I could smell his cologne and fuck… He smelled really good. There was a fresh scent mixed with something… strong and sweet. I know that scent but for some reason, I couldn’t remember it. My mind was already clouded by him and I was having a hard time thinking.

I tried to look at him in the corner of my eyes. His sleeves were rolled till his elbow. Mas nakita ko nang malapitan ang marka na nagpapakita sa kanang braso n’ya pero hindi tuluyan dahil natatakpan pa rin ng tela. I tried to make out the image but… I still wasn’t sure as most of it were still covered by his rolled sleeves.

I think… I think it was the skin of a snake?

Nawala ang atensyon ko roon dahil muling gumalaw si Killian. He sat directly behind me! Ramdam na ramdam ko ang presensya n’ya sa likod ko at ang pabango n’ya ay pumupuno sa pang-amoy ko. It just made me even more aware of him!

Ang mga kaklase ko ay nakatingin sa direksyon ko. They were looking at the man who’s sitting behind me kaya mas lalo ko lang nakumpirma na roon nga nakaupo si Killian. Not that I needed their stares to confirm as Killian’s presence was already enough to tell me so.

Kung may itutuwid pa ang likod ko sa pagkakaupo ay nagawa ko na. The fuck… His presence was so intimidating that I could feel it in every corner of the lecture room. It was as if the room became small when it was so wide dahil elevated nga ang mga upuan!

I glanced at Annika who was gaping at Killian. Walang pakundangan s’yang nakatitig kay Killian kaya pasimple ko s’yang kinurot para kunin ang atensyon n’ya. She looked at me, her eyes widening as if trying to communicate with me using her eyes. I glared at her dahil kuhang-kuha ko kung ano’ng gusto n’yang iparating.

Of course, I know that Killian was sitting behind me! Kung meron mang sobrang nakakaalam no’n, ako ’yon! Damn it, I could feel his presence behind me and I could also clearly feel that he was staring at my back! Pakiramdam ko nga ay mabubutas ang likod ko sa intesidad ng bawat titig n’ya.

Sirang-sira na talaga ang pangako ko sa sarili ko. I know that by this time, I wouldn’t be able to ignore Killian anymore. I tried. Damn it, I tried so hard to ignore him, to stay away from him but for some reason, he was always there anywhere I looked at. And our world just becomes smaller and smaller every time our eyes meet.

Kinuha na ng prof ang atensyon namin at nagsimula na s’yang mag-discuss. Samantalang ako, hindi ko magawang ibigay ang atensyon sa prof na nasa harap. Killian stole all my attention. Kahit nasa likuran ko lang s’ya. Kahit na hindi ko s’ya nakikita. And I have no idea how he was doing that.

Kung kaninang iniisip ko lang s’ya ay wala na ang concentration ko, pa’no pa kayang ngayong nasa likuran ko na talaga s’ya?

I noticed that my hands were even trembling. Fuck it, my hands were trembling! Itinago ko iyon sa ilalim ng desk ko, hinihiling na sana ang mga kamay ko lang ang nanginginig at hindi ang buong katawan ko.

I heard Killian’s movement from behind me. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng ginagawa n’ya but I heard him chuckle and I closed my eyes tightly when it sounded nearer than how it should be. At kahit hindi ako lumingon, I know that he was leaning on his desk, probably using his elbows as support kaya gano’n na lang kalapit ang narinig kong pagtawa n’ya kanina.

Good Lord. Please, let me make it through this. Safe and sound.

But I guess my prayers weren’t heard. Dahil naramdaman ko ang kakaibang sensasyon sa anit ko. It tickles. As if someone was playing with my hair. And of course, I knew who it was.

Nakalugay ang buhok ko and I knew that Killian was playing with the curls at the end. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But the sensation was too much that I almost melted right on the spot.

I shivered and I heard Killian chuckle when he noticed it. Sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko dahil sa ginagawa n’ya, dahil sa kanya and I have no idea how I would be able to calm myself anymore.

I took a deep breath. I tried to focus on the lesson even if Killian was still playing with my hair. Even if he was just behind me. But it was useless. I knew that I couldn’t do it.

Nang hindi na talaga ako makatiis ay lumingon na ako sa likod. His one elbow was leaning on the desk. Napangalumbaba s’ya. The heel of his palm was covering half of his lips.

Kitang-kita ko ang ginagawa ni Killian sa buhok ko. He was playing with my end curls with his pen. Pinapaikot n’ya ang kulot sa dulo ng buhok ko sa pen n’ya. Nakasabit pa nga roon ang buhok ko nang lumingon ako sa kanya.

I frowned at him when I caught what he was doing. But he didn’t seem guilty. He even looked like he was having fun that I finally turned around to look at him. Kitang-kita ko iyon sa ngisi n’yang sinubukan n’yang itago sa palad n’ya. 

“Stop it,” mahina kong saway sa kanya na alam kong narinig n’ya naman.

His smirk widened. Ibinaba n’ya ang palad n’ya kaya mas lalo kong nakita ang pagngisi n’ya. His deep green eyes were dancing in amusement and I had the time to be mesmerized by them.

“What?” he asked almost whispering that it made his voice sound even more hoarse. “I’m bored.”

I frowned at him even more.

“Then just listen to the lecture,” sabi kong muli nang lumingon sa harap dahil hindi ko na matagalan ang titig na.

Ang bilis-bilis ng pintig ng puso ko. I know as I could also feel my pulse racing against my skin. I took a deep breath and slowly released it to calm myself.

Pero muli kong narinig ang mahinang pagtawa ni Killian. It looked like he didn’t have any plans to leave me alone.

“How should I do that? You stole all my attention.”

I shivered for the nth time today. Pakiramdam ko ay nanuyo rin ang lalamunan ko kaya napalunok ako. He was whispering and his voice sounded so sexy than ever. I know that he was leaning on the desk again dahil mas malapit ang boses n’ya ngayon.

“Not my problem,” I said through my gritted teeth. Hindi ko na sinubukan pa ulit lumingon sa kanya.

Killian made another low chuckle. I felt him playing with my hair again. I tried to stop my whimper when I felt that ticklish sensation on my scalp.

“So… fucking… beautiful…” he whispered slowly, enunciating every word.

I forced myself to gulp. I balled my hands into fists and closed my eyes tightly when his whisper gave me a different sensation. It was too much. Too much that I sucked on my breath.

Holy shit… I don’t think I could survive this class.

Chapter 5

Kahit anong pilit ang gawin ko, hindi na talaga bumalik ang concentration ko para sa lesson namin. Not when I could clearly feel the heavy stares from the man behind me. Not when the intensity of his presence was too much for me that I could only turn my attention to him. Parang sinisigurado n’ya na sa kanya lang mapupunta ang atensyon ko. Kahit pa hindi ako nakatingin sa kanya.

I don’t know how he could even do that. But that was what was happening to me right now.

My attention was focused on him. Only on him.

At ano’ng sinabi n’ya kanina? That I stole all his attention that he couldn’t focus on the lesson? Nagsalita! Eh, ganoong-ganoon nga ang ginagawa n’ya sa ’kin ngayon!

Or was he just mocking me? Hindi kaya alam n’ya ang nangyayari sa ’kin ngayon at inaasar n’ya lang ako? With a man like him, it was obvious that he knew the effects he gives on all the women around him.

Kahit nga mga lalaki ay napapansin s’ya. Kinaiinggitan s’ya. He’s a Romanov. He has a strong presence, is handsome, and looks really good. Lots of men would want to be like him.

Maybe he was just teasing me. Because how could I even steal all his attention? Hindi ko kayang gawin ’yon.

While he could easily do it. He stole all my attention. My every fiber was so aware of him that he invaded my mind. He did those things. Effortless.

Killian was still playing with my hair even after I told him to stop. Hindi ko na ulit sinubukan pang kausapin o kahit lingunin man s’ya. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay mas lalo lang lumalala ang epekto n’ya sa ’kin kapag ginagawa ko iyon. Lalo pa kapag nasasalubong ko ang mabibigat na titig n’ya.

And especially when I had a glimpse of those beautiful deep green orbs.

I did my best to ignore him. To ignore the tickling sensation on my scalp as he played with my end curls using his pen. I did my best to shift my attention to my prof who was doing her best to explain and make us understand the lesson.

But I failed. Oh, boy, I really failed. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang ginagawa ni Killian sa ’kin. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang nakakakiliting sensasyon na pinaparamdam n’ya sa ’kin. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang presensya n’ya sa likuran ko. Maging ang mabibigat na titig n’ya sa ’kin na hindi na n’ya yata inalis mula pa kanina.

It was so impossible to ignore him. Not him. Not Killian Romanov.

My breathing hitched when all of a sudden, I felt his pen directly on my back. Hindi ko alam kung sinadya n’ya. Hindi ko alam kung lumagpas lang ba ang paglalaro n’ya sa buhok ko at naabot ng pen n’ya ang likod ko. But the effect was too much for me that I thought my heart stopped beating for a while.

Unti-unti kong pinakawalan ang paghinga ko. Sinubukan kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko nang alisin din ni Killian ang pen n’ya sa likuran ko. Sa palagay ko ay hindi nga lang n’ya sinasadya ang nangyari.

But the sensation was still there. Hindi na nawala kahit pa hindi na nakakonekta ang pen n’ya sa likod ko.

What the hell… Calm down, Irina. Listen to the prof!

But I never had the chance to do it. Killian didn’t give me a chance when he poked me on the back again using his pen. And this time, hindi n’ya na tinanggal iyon.

Slowly, he moved his pen. He was moving it so slowly that it felt so… sensual.

Ngayon ko lang nalaman na malakas pala ang kiliti ko sa likod. I was trembling with every move of his pen. Unti-unti ay napapaliyad ako dahil sa kiliting nararamdaman.

I had to bite my lower lip so hard to stop my whimper. Nang sa palagay ko ay kulang iyon ay itinukod ko ang dalawang siko sa desk at pasimpleng nagpangalumbaba habang ang isa kong kamay ay mariing nakatakip sa bibig ko.

He chuckled. The asshole made a freaking low chuckle as if he was enjoying what he was doing to me and how it was affecting me.

Fuck… I don’t think I could last long like this. Hindi ko makayanan ang pinaparamdam ni Killian sa ’kin.

I was also breathing heavily and I think my whole body was trembling. Sinubukan kong lumunok dahil nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko sa ginagawa n’ya. And he’s making me feel hot with the sensation.

Killian was just making some doodles on my back. Sinusundan ko sa isip ko ang bawat paggalaw ng pen n’ya. I couldn’t take my mind off it. Dahil buong katawan ko ang naapektuhan sa ginagawa n’ya. Libo-libong boltahe ang nararamdaman ko sa buong katawan mula sa bawat parte ng likod na na nadadaanan ng pen n’ya.

I closed my legs tightly. Mariin din akong pumikit at sinubukang labanan ang sensasyong nararamdaman ko. But I always seemed to fail to do what I should do when it came to Killian.

Maya-maya ay naramdaman kong parang may isinusulat s’ya sa likod ko. Sinubukan kong sundan iyon. He was writing in Russian.

любовь

“ Lyubov’ …“ I mouthed.

Love.

Mabilis akong lumingon sa kanya na agad ko ring pinagsisihan. Sana ay hindi ko na ginawa. Sana ay tuluyan ko na lang talaga s’yang inignora. Dahil  sobrang nagkalapit ang mga mukha namin paglingon ko.

Nakalapat ang isang braso n’ya sa desk. He had his chin leaning on the back of his palm while his other hand was playing on my back. As if he was bored. At dahil elevated ang mga upuan, nagkapantay ang mga mukha namin at ngayon nga ay magkalapit n’ya.

Kaya pala hindi s’ya sinasaway ng prof dahil hindi s’ya masyadong nakikita sa paraan ng pag-upo n’ya ngayon.

My heart hammered against my chest as I realized how close our faces are that I could smell his fresh breath. It was intoxicating that my mind became even hazier. Mas lalo ko ring natitigan nang malapitan ang mga mata n’ya.

Shit… He really is handsome. Sobrang lakas ng dating n’ya.

I saw the side of his lips rose for a smirk. His eyes danced in amusement. Mukhang tuwang-tuwa na muli ko s’yang nilingon.

“There she is…” he whispered when I finally looked at him. “Love…”

My face heated and I know that he could clearly see my face blushing right now. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pag-iinit hanggang sa mga tenga ko. Sobrang bilis din ng tibok ng puso ko na pakiramdam ko ay tatalon na iyon palabas ng dibdib ko.

I quickly looked away at him. The fuck, Irina. Calm down. Calm down. He’s just a man. Calm down.

I almost laughed at myself. Just a man? Kailan pa naging ‘just a man’ ang isang Killian Romanov? Kaya nga maraming nababaliw sa isang ’to dahil hindi s’ya maihahalintulad sa iba! He was no ordinary man!

Natapos ang klaseng ’yon nang wala akong naintindihan. Mabilis na lumabas si Killian ng lecture room nang matapos ang klase dahil iniiwasan yatang lapitan s’ya ng mga kaklase ko. Ewan ko. Hindi ako sigurado. Basta umalis na rin agad s’ya pagkatapos ng klase naming ’yon.

We went to the cafeteria for lunch and Annika was talking all about Killian. Kahit din ang mga block mate ko ay si Killian ang pinag-uusapan. Kilig na kilig sila at sinabing sana ay maulit pa ang pakikipag-sit in ni Killian sa isa sa mga klase namin.

While there’s me, about to cry because I literally failed to ignore him again. Dahil sa nangyari ngayon, alam ko na sa sarili kong kahit ano pang gawin ko ay hinding-hindi ko na kaya pang ignorahin ang isang Killian Romanov.

Like shit… What is even happening to me? Ngayon lang talaga ’to nangyari sa ’kin kaya hindi ko alam kung ano ’to. I knew that I was attracted to him but it was too much. Hindi naman ganito ang nangyayari kay Annika.

“Isn’t it the other Romanov brother that you like? Serj?” I asked Annika dahil mukhang kilig na kilig s’ya kay Killian ngayon. Hindi pa nga maawat sa pagkukwento. Wala s’yang ibang bukambibig kundi ang pakikipag-sit in ni Killian sa klase namin kanina.

I mean, si Serj kasi ’yung sinadya n’yang banggain no’n, ah? Hindi naman si Killian. So, I really thought that it was Serj that she liked.

Annika grinned at me.

“I’m fine with any of them! Like, girl! They’re both so fucking hot!”

I gave her a tight smile, not surprised by what she’d said. Lahat talaga ng gwapo ay crush n’ya, eh.

Medyo kumalma na rin naman ako nang makakain. Pumunta na kami sa room para sa next class namin, ’yung room na madalas naming ginagamit. We didn’t have any dressmaking to do kaya ito na rin muna ang gagamitin namin para sa subject hanggang sa may gawin na kami.

Dumating ang prof namin sa dressmaking at nagsimula na rin s’yang mag-discuss. Agad akong napatingin sa labas ng room at nakahinga nang maluwag nang bakante ang hallway sa tapat.

“For your final exam, your class will hold a fashion show.”

Mabilis kong ibinalik ang tingin kay Miss Mila dahil sa sinabi n’ya. My heart hammered, this time because of the excitement. Kahit ang mga block mate ko ay mukhang na-excite rin dahil naging maingay ang buong room.

“Quiet!” saway ni Miss Mila sa ’min at agad naman kaming natahimik. May itinaas s’yang fish bowl at sa loob noon ay may mga papel na nakatupi ng maliliit. “Half of the class will choose a theme from inside this bowl for their collection, and you can only choose one partner. You will both make a dress for the collection.”

Napatingin sa ’kin si Annika at agad ko namang nakuha ang gusto n’yang iparating. Kung sino sa ’min ang bumunot, of course, we will choose each other as the team.

Ipinaliwanag din sa ’min ni Miss Mila na rito na rin kukunin ang grades namin para sa Fashion Management at maging sa Fashion Marketing. Both are also major subjects kaya kailangan naming galingan kung gusto naming makakuha ng mataas na final grades.

Ang alam ko ay may fashion show din kaming gagawin sa next year namin. But this time, one by one na nga lang. Like we will do our own fashion show. Hindi na by team dahil ganoon naman talaga raw sa fashion industry lalo na kapag magsisimula pa lang ng career. And then sa final year namin namin ay magte-train kami in the field na.

Isa-isang bumunot ang mga kaklase ko sa hawak na bowl ni Miss Mila. At dahil mas una kaysa sa ’kin si Annika sa master list ay s’ya ang bumunot para sa ’ming dalawa nang tawagin na ang pangalan n’ya. I watched her as she fished on the bowl and opened it. She was grinning when she returned to her seat. Ibinigay n’ya sa ’kin ang papel na nabunot n’ya at agad ko iyong tiningnan.

Men Fall Collection.

I pursed my lips. Hindi pa ako ganoong kagamay na gumawa ng damit panlalaki. I’m more comfortable making dresses but this is fine as I also wanted to challenge myself.

Nang makabunot na ang lahat ay nag-explain pa ulit si Miss Mila para sa gagawin namin.

“Of course, it won’t be you who will model the clothes. You need to find the right person to model them. That’s how it works in the industry field too. Fashion designers should learn how to find the right person to model the clothes. Someone whom you think would be perfect with your work.”

May iba pang sinabi si Miss Mila katulad ng kami rin ang dapat na umasikaso sa fashion show na gagawin namin. Like technical and anything that would be needed for the event.

Pero napatingin na ako kay Annika. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Siguro ay alam ko na sa sarili kong s’ya ang maghahanap ng model para sa gawa naming dalawa as she was the more sociable between the two of us. Mas marami s’yang kilala.

And… I just… didn’t like the idea that came to my mind.

“Don’t worry. I already have someone I think who will be perfect to be our model,” Annika said and there was some glint in her eyes that made me even more nervous.

I gave her a smile that I wasn’t sure if it was really a smile or a grimace. Para kasing may ideya na ako kung sino ang kukunin ni Annika na magmo-model para sa gawa namin.

And truth enough, as on the next day that I went to the dressmaking room, Annika was already there. And she was not alone. Maaga pa n’ya akong pinapasok para raw kami pa lang ang nando’n sa room. Ito na kasi ang gagamitin namin dahil nga sa final exam namin.

“What is he doing here?” tanong ko pa nang makapasok kahit na may ideya ako kung ano’ng ginagawa ng lalaking ’to sa dressmaking room namin.

“He will be our model, Irina! He was generous enough to accept it!”

Killian chuckled as I looked at him with so much disapproval. Hindi ko na sinubukan pang itago iyon. Hindi ko rin naman na kaya. He was there, looking as if he owned the room kahit pa hindi naman s’ya fashion designing student.

“I feel so welcome,” nakangisi pa n’yang sabi sa ’kin. He was coolly looking at me with his hands inside the pockets of his black maong pants. He was wearing a black and white long sleeve button-down shirt tucked into his pants.

I sighed and walked my way to where my seat was. Inilapag ko ang shoulder bag ko sa ibabaw ng long desk while pretending to ignore the presence of that man. I looked at Annika.

“He’s a graduating student. I’m sure he’s busy,” I said. Nagpapanggap ako na wala si Killian sa room na ’yon kahit pa ramdam na ramdam ko ang mabigat n’yang titig sa ’kin.

He made a low sexy chuckle that made Annika bit her lower lip. Medyo nakampante ako nang makitang hindi lang sa ’kin may ganoong epekto ang pagtawang iyon ni Killian.

“Oh, I have so much time,” Killian said.

“Isn’t he supposed to be working in the field at this time?” sabi kong kay Annika pa rin nakatingin.

“Don’t worry. I’m working under the family’s business so I still have my own time,” it was Killian who answered.

I gave him a tight smile because that was all I could manage to give him. Hindi ko talaga matagalan ang presensya n’ya nang hindi naaapektuhan sa bawat salita o bawat kilos n’ya.

Napangisi si Killian. He looked like he was enjoying my expression. Naglakad pa s’ya palapit sa ’kin at napaderetso ako ng tayo. He stood in front of me and I was thankful for the long table that separated us.

“Love, I can promise I could help you both get a high grade.”

Napasinghap ako. Ganu’n din si Annika. Now, I should just ignore the endearment that he used as I was sure he was usually using it with all the women that he flirted with. Parang normal na lang sa kanya ’yon. Hindi dapat ako maapektuhan. But I just couldn’t really do it as he sounded so sexy and inviting for God knows what for!

I mean… Si Annika nga na hindi n’ya kausap ngayon, naapektuhan din. Paano pa kaya ako na tinititigan n’ya ngayon?

I shook my head, telling him that I still didn’t want him to be our model. Natatakot akong baka ’pag nagsalita ako ay ipagkanulo ako ng boses ko.

Ayoko talaga. Iniiwasan ko nga s’ya, ’di ba? Tapos s’ya pa ngayon ang magiging model namin? Like I didn’t even know that he’s interested in these kinds of things! Paano ba s’ya napapayag ni Annika sa ganito?

Killian chuckled. He has a cunning smirk on his lips as if he was planning something that wasn’t good.

See? Kaya ayoko talagang pumayag! The way he smirks! The way he chuckles! The way he stares! All of those scream dangers!

“C’mon, Irina… Don’t you trust me?”

He had the nerve to ask!

I looked at him as if he was just saying something ridiculous.

“No.”

He scoffed. He bit his lower lip as he put his hands on his hips. He stared down at me as he was a few inches taller than me that I had to look up.  He looked as if he was thinking of a way that he would do to me that isn’t good.

Napalunok ako, kinabahan sa paraan ng pagtitig n’ya. For some reason, his eyes looked like he knew many ways he could do things that I couldn’t even imagine. Things that were wicked. Things that were evil. Things that would prove to me he really is a ruthless man.

“Oh, c’mon, Irina… Just say yes, please?” sabi ni Annika na lumapit na rin sa ’kin. “Kill will be the perfect model for us! I mean, look at him!” Talagang itinuro n’ya pa si Killian kahit na nasa harap ko na naman s’ya na parang hindi ko s’ya nakikita.

“I am looking, Annika,” I said through my gritted teeth.

“Then why can’t you see that he’s a perfect model? He looks like a model! We should also be thankful that he accepted my invitation!”

I pursed my lips. I couldn’t deny what she’d said. Mukha naman talagang model si Killian. Even more perfect than those male models I’ve already met. ’Di ba nga at iyon pa ang naisip ko nang una ko rin s’yang makita?

“Please?” sabi pa ni Annika nang makita ang pag-aalangan ko. “I also wanted to have a high grade and I’m sure Kill will help us receive one.”

“Of course,” sabi pa ni Killian na nagpahagikgik kay Annika. Mukhang kinilig ang kaibigan ko kahit doon lang.

I sighed. With the two of them, I knew I couldn’t refuse anymore. Isa pa, mukha ngang matutulungan kami ni Killian na magkaroon ng high grade. Even a perfect grade.

He’s a perfect model. He knew how to handle himself well and that’s really important. His whole being screams of power and confidence.

But then… What about his effect on me? Makakaya ko ba’ng tagalan na makasama s’ya?

Damn it. Between a high grade or ignoring his presence, which is more important?

I took a deep breath.

“Alright. He can be our model,” I said.

Napapalakpak si Annika. While Killian smirk widened and I saw amusement in his eyes.

I mean… Kaya ko nga s’ya iniiwsan, ’di ba, para hindi ako magkaroon ng distraction. So, I could pass all my subjects and achieve my dream. But… If he could give me a high grade, then it’ll be okay. Iyon naman talaga ang kailangan ko.

“Can you stand over there, Kill? Let’s have a mini photoshoot.” Napatingin ako kay Annika dahil sa sinabi n’ya. “For reference,” habol n’ya nang makita ang tingin ko.

Annika took out her phone and started taking Killian’s photos. Hinayaan ko na lang. It was reasonable. Kailangan ko rin naman iyon para may pagbasehan kung ano’ng damit ang gagawin ko na babagay kay Killian.

“Alright. Next, take off your shirt and pants.”

“What? No!” sigaw ko agad. She’s insane!

“Aww…” Annika even pouted. Nagpapaawa pa. Para namang papayag talaga ako kapag ginawa n’ya ’yon!

“I’m willing to do it if it’ll help you more,” the asshole even said!

“Thank you but you didn’t really have to,” I said, gritting my teeth as I glared at him.

Killian just chuckled. I groaned in frustration.

Ngayon pa lang, pinagsisisihan ko na ang pagpayag ko. I could already see I’d be in trouble.

Chapter 6

Annika sent me the pictures of Killian that she took to my email. Natawa pa nga ako sa dahilan n’ya kung bakit sa email n’ya pa s-in-end kung pwede namang through Messenger na lang. Bababa raw kasi ang quality and photos of Killian should be of the highest quality. Para mas kitang-kita ang hotness at kagwapuhan daw.

Shaking my head, I downloaded the pictures she sent me and saved them on my computer. I was stopping myself to check them as I didn’t really need to look at them now pero hindi ko na rin napigilan ang sarili ko. I was curious about how a good-looking man like him would look in the photos. If he’s good at cameras or not.

My hands were trembling as I clicked on one picture to enlarge it. Pinatunog ko ang mga daliri ko at huminga nang malalim. I was freaking nervous and my heart was beating so fast against my chest as if I’m doing something wrong and anyone might find out about it! Eh, mag-isa lang naman ako sa room ko!

I took a deep breath as I tried to convince myself that there was nothing wrong with what I’m currently doing. I mean I was just checking our model to see if he’s good at cameras! Malaking factor din kaya ’yon sa fashion industry!

The picture finally loaded. Halos sakupin noon ang buong screen ng computer ko. Nahigit ko ang paghinga nang sa wakas ay matitigan ko ang picture. At kahit picture lang n’ya ang tinitingnan ko ngayon, nandoon pa rin ang parehong epekto ni Killian kapag kaharap ko s’ya.

Mas lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. I couldn’t even take my eyes off his picture. He was looking directly at the camera with an expression as if he was trying to seduce whoever would look at it. Gamit lang ang mga titig n’ya dahil walang ibang expression ang mukha n’ya. And boy, he was so good at it.

At doon ko lang napatunayan kung gaano kalakas ang epekto ng mga titig n’ya. Kung paano n’ya kayang kontrolin ang emosyon ng iba gamit lang ang mga mata n’ya. He could make anyone feel what he wanted them to feel with just the look in his eyes.

I didn’t know that someone’s eyes could be this powerful.

I took another deep breath before I closed the picture. I know we made the right decision in choosing Killian as our model because I’m sure he’d kill in any clothes he wore.

But… Part of me was terrified. This feels like the beginning of something. Something I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing.

I looked at the time. Nang masiguro kong nakauwi na si Dad ay lumabas na ako sa kwarto at pinuntahan s’ya sa work room n’ya. I knocked first before opening the door. I saw him busy with his laptop but when he looked up and saw me, he smiled through his spectacles.

“ Dochka … What’s wrong?“

Napangiti ako sa itinawag n’ya sa ’kin at pumasok na sa loob ng work room. I really like it whenever he calls me that.

“Nothing.” Tumigil ako sa harap n’ya, ilang hakbang ang layo mula sa desk. “Our prof already told us what would be our final exam for dressmaking. It’s a fashion show, Dad…”

“Oh?” Inalis ni Dad ang salamin n’ya sa mata at tumitig sa ’kin.

“And we got our theme. It’s Men’s Fall Collection.”

“That’s interesting. Do you need a model?”

“We already got one. But, uhm…” I took a deep breath. “I was wondering if…” Napalunok ako. “I was wondering if it’s okay to make you a cloth? A suit, maybe.”

Napakunot ang noo ni dad. Mukhang hindi alam kung saan papunta ang sinasabi ko. Mas lalo akong kinabahan.

“Why?” he asked.

“I want you to be the first man for whom I design clothes,” mabilis kong sabi bago pa mas lumala ang kaba sa dibdib ko.

There. I said it.

Matagal ko rin iyong pinag-isipan. Ito kasi ang unang beses na gagawan ko ang isang lalaki ng damit. And I wanted it to be my dad. Hindi si Killian. Hindi kahit sinong lalaki pa man. I want this to be memorable.

When my dad took a deep breath, I already knew his answer. Kitang-kita ko rin kasi sa mukha n’ya. Hindi ko pinahalata ang sakit sa dibdib na naramdaman ko habang hinihintay ang pagtanggi n’ya.

“Wouldn’t it take a lot of your time?”

Mabilis akong umiling. Sinusubukan pa ring kumbinsihin s’ya sa gusto ko.

“No. I swear it wouldn’t. I’ll still have time to make clothes for our final exam.”

“But it’s a collection. Plus, you still have other subjects to focus on. Making a cloth for me will surely take your time and concentration.”

“Dad… There are two people on each team. Annika will help me.”

“Irina,” dad called my name with finality. At doon pa lang, alam ko nang hindi ko na pwedeng ipilit pa ang gusto ko. “I simply didn’t want you to lose sight of what you should be doing. Instead, why not try to make one for me after your exam? So you’re already knowledgeable. I’d like to wear what you’ll make for me, but don’t you think I’d be able to if it looked like a practice suit?”

He said that as a joke. Siguro para pagaanin ang loob ko dahil sa pagtanggi n’ya. Pero nasaktan pa rin ako roon.

Although I can see his point. Hindi nga naman n’ya masusuot ang suit kung hindi iyon perfect. Magmumukha s’yang katawa-tawa if he’ll wear something that might look like garbage when he has a lot of money. Plus, he is a respectable businessman.

Why haven’t I thought of that? Of course, gugustuhin ko ring suotin ni Dad ang gagawin ko. Magtatampo rin siguro ako kung hindi. After all, it was my hard work.

Pero hindi n’ya masusuot kung hindi naman ayos ang kalalabasan ng gawa ko.

I smiled at him. Ganoon na lang ang iniisip ko pero hindi ko pa rin maalis ang sakit sa dibdib ko.

“I understand. Will you come to the fashion show though? I think it will be an open event.”

Dad smiled at me.

“I’ll see what I can do, dochka .”

Muli akong ngumiti sa kanya bago tuluyang lumabas. And when I finally closed the door of his work room, the smile faded on my lips.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. I was so excited about making his clothes. Gusto ko talagang s’ya ang unang lalaking gagawan ko ng damit. I know it wouldn’t be perfect but… At least I would exert a great effort as I would be making it for my loved one. The process and the emotions would be memorable.

But it’s okay… May point naman si dad. Tama naman s’ya nang sabihin n’yang maraming time ang ilalaan ko roon at baka magkulang para sa fashion show namin. Mawawala rin ang focus ko roon. I guess he just didn’t want me to cram and fail on my exam.

Sighing, I went back to my room. Umupo ako sa harap ng study table ko at tumitig lang sa kawalan.

That wasn’t the first time I felt as if my dad was putting a distance between us. Na para bang ayaw n’yang makipaglapit sa ’kin. Maraming beses ko na ’yong naramdaman sa magkakaibang pagkakataon.

I couldn’t blame him. I wasn’t his real daughter.

I’m not a real Morozova.

Tinignan ko ang family picture namin na nasa ibabaw ng desk table ko. We looked like a happy family in the picture. A beautiful family. Pero halatang-halata roon na wala akong dugong Morozova. Ako lang ang naiibang kulay ang buhok doon at kulot pa.

As much as I love the picture, I also hated it. Parang mas ipinapamukha lang kasi noon sa ’kin ang kaibahan ko. That I was so out of place. That I really didn’t belong there.

Only a few people knew about it. Kahit nga si Yulia ay hindi alam na half-sister n’ya lang ako. They all thought I’m a real Morozova. Dahil iyon ang ipinalabas nina Mom at Dad.

Mom tried so hard to keep the truth about me. Even the fact that I grew up in the Philippines as she was afraid people would dig what really happened. Kahit na hindi rin naman magiging kataka-taka iyon as my Mom is a Filipino. Pero pinalabas na lang nina Mom and Dad that I was their secret child.

The public accepted it as Mom was just starting her career back then. Tinanggap nila ang rason na natakot si Mom na mawalan s’ya ng career kapag nalaman nilang may anak na s’ya gayong nagsisimula pa lang s’ya sa pagmomodelo.

Dad gave me his surname. He was a good father and I was glad that he accepted me as his daughter but… There were times when I felt his distance. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi n’ya pa rin ako natatanggap nang tuluyan.

That’s why I decided to pursue fashion. So that I could at least feel that I belonged in my mother’s world. I am willing to do anything not to feel that I am out of place. Handa akong gawin ang lahat para maramdaman kong kabilang ako sa mundo ni Mommy. Kahit kaunti lang.

I didn’t even care who my real father was. Wala na rin akong planong alamin pa. Alam ko kasing hindi iyon magugustuhan ni Mommy. Ayokong magalit s’ya at baka maging rason pa ’yon kung bakit s’ya mas mapapalayo sa ’kin.

But sometimes… I miss my grandmother. She was the one who took care of me back then in the Philippines. She was the one who first supported me in my dreams.

She was the first one who believed in me.

Napatigil agad ako sa paglalakad nang makita kung sino ang lalaking kausap ni Annika sa labas ng room namin nang pumasok ako kinabukasan. I frowned when I saw that she was talking to Killian.

Ang aga namang tumambay ng isang ’yon? Wala ba talagang ginagawa ’tong lalaking ’to? Graduating ba talaga s’ya?

Si Annika naman, mukhang nag-e-enjoy kausap si Killian. Pinapaalis pa nga ang iba na gusto ring makausap ang lalaki. I even heard her say something like she was still talking to him. Wala raw sanang bastusan.

I saw Killian chuckle. Napalingon s’ya sa gawi ko at hindi ko inaasahan ang agad na pagtatama ng mga mata namin. As if he knew where I was so he quickly saw me and met my gaze

He smirked. Mukhang nasisiyahang makita ako dahil may pagkakaaliwan na naman s’ya. Bigla tuloy akong nagdalawang-isip kung lalapit ba o hindi. But I wouldn’t be able to get inside the room if I didn’t.

I just really hate the way he looked at me. Na para bang wala na akong kawala. Na wala na akong ibang mapupuntahan. And even if I try to hide from him, I wouldn’t be able to get away as he will still find me. Kahit saan pa ako magtago.

I also really hate the impact he has on me. The way my whole body reacted with just his presence. With just the look in his eyes. I hate how I was being affected by a man like him. I hate the feeling he was making me feel.

Napalunok ako. Nakita na ako ni Annika at kinawayan pa ako na lumapit sa kanila kaya hindi na ako makakaiwas pa. Humugot muna ako ng malalim na paghinga bago humakbang.

Killian was watching me intently as I walked towards them. The intensity of his eyes was making my knees buckle. Napahigpit ang kapit ko sa stap ng shoulder bag ko at hiniling na sana hindi ako mabuway sa paglalakad. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, especially in front of him. Lalo pa at mukhang alam na alam n’ya kung gaano ako naaapektuhan sa kanya.

Si Annika na lang ang tinignan ko. Kahit na nang tumigil ako ilang hakbang sa kanila ay hindi ko na ulit tiningnan pa si Killian. But I knew, based on the way my hair at the back of my neck stood up, he was heavily staring at me.

“Irina! I was just asking Kill when it would be good for us to take his measurements!” Annika said and it was obvious that she’s excited. Para bang wala sa harapan n’ya ang taong sinasabi n’ya.

“What measurement?” I asked dumbly. I was so sure I should know what she was talking about pero dahil nga kalapit ko lang si Killian ay nawawala na naman ako sa sarili ko!

“His measurements! Duh!” Annika even rolled her eyes as if I was dumb. Hindi ko naman s’ya masisi. “Of course, we need his measurements to make his clothes! He’s our model!”

Oh, shit… That’s right. She’s right. We need Killian’s measurements for his clothes! That was basic fashion designing knowledge yet for some reason, it slipped my mind!

Fuck… Now I understand why Annika chose Killian as our model! Isa ’to sa mga dahilan.

Damn it, I should’ve known!

I am so freaking sure hindi lang pagkuha ng measurement ang gagawin n’ya kay Killian. It was unprofessional and unethical. Pero si Annika pa ba? She vocally said she wanted to bed him!

Napapikit ako nang mariin. Bakit ba nakalimutan ko ang tungkol sa bagay na ’to?

“I’m free anytime,” sabi pa ni Killian at mahina akong napamura nang marinig na naman ang boses n’ya.

Why does he have to possess such a sexy and raspy voice? It seemed like he was seducing anyone he was talking with!

“You can take his measurements then, Annika,” I said, just looking at Annika again.

I heard Killian low chuckle at the same time that I saw Annika frowning at me.

“What? Just me? What about you?” she asked.

“You can just give me his measurements.”

“Oh, no!” Exaggerated pang umiling si Annika. “What if I made a mistake and you’ll blame me? I don’t want us both to fail!”

“Then don’t make a mistake,” I said simply.

“No.” Annika even firmly shook her head. “I won’t give it to you. Take Kill’s measurement yourself. We will both take his measurements!”

“Annika—”

“You’re okay tomorrow morning then?” tanong ni Annika kay Killian at hindi na talaga ako pinansin ng kaibigan ko.

“Yeah,” natatawang sabi ni Killian. Mukhang naaliw sa pagtatalo namin ni Annika.

I glared at him. Ignoring the way my heart beats fast when I stared at his deep green eyes.

“Aren’t you supposed to be busy doing your requirements for your graduation?”

Killian smirked at me. He looked amused. I didn’t know why he reacted like that when I looked annoyed at him right now!

“Are you worried about me?”

Nangunot ang noo ko.

“What?” What the hell this asshole was talking about?

“Are you worried I won’t be able to graduate? Why, I feel loved, Miss Morozova.”

I groaned inwardly. I heard Annika giggle so I glared at her. Mas lalo lang s’yang ngumiti sa ’kin. Mukhang nasisiyahan din sa nangyayari samantalang inis na inis na nga ako rito.

I looked at Killian again. There was still amusement in his eyes and I wanted to wipe that smirk off his lips. Mas nakakainis pa na hindi talaga matigil sa lakas ng tibok ang puso ko kahit pa anong pag-iignora ang gawin ko!

“Yeah. I want you to graduate fast so I won’t have to see your face anymore.”

“Ouch.” Killian even winced but I saw that glint in his eyes that told me he was even more amused. He chuckled as he put his hand over his hip and looked down at me. “You really know how to hurt the heart of a gentleman, Miss Morozova.”

I pursed my lips. Gentleman. There was nothing gentle in him. All his features looked harsh that the word gentleman wasn’t even fit to describe him.

His whole being screamed of ruthlessness. He looked like someone who enjoys watching others suffer.

Kaya nga natatakot akong mapalapit sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko, pahihirapan n’ya ako. I feel like he would be able to hurt me easily. And he would enjoy watching it.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to take his measurement peacefully. Mas magkakalapit kami. May mga pagkakataong mahahawakan ko s’ya. There would be no pen this time.

It terrified me just thinking I would directly touch him this time. I mean, tingin n’ya pa nga lang n’ya, sobra-sobra na para sa ’kin. Paano pa ’pag nahawakan ko na s’ya? What more if I’ll be able to feel his warmth this time?

Huminga ako nang malalim. See? Just thinking about it made my heart beat erratically inside its cage.

Hindi na inalis ni Killian ang tingin n’ya sa ’kin. Nakatitig lang din ako pabalik sa kanya. Saka ko lang nalaman na wala na rin doon si Annika. Hindi ko alam kung nagpaalam ba s’ya o ano. Basta, kaming dalawa na lang ni Killian ang nasa labas at magkatitigan.

Muling ngumisi si Killian. I trembled with that kind of smirk he gave me. His eyes were looking at me savagely as if telling me not to look away because he wouldn’t like it. And I couldn’t do anything but stare back at him for fear for my life.

“I’ll tell you right now, Irina… Even if I graduate, I have no intention of giving up the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen.”

Slowly, his face closed to mine. Maingay at dahan-dahan akong napasinghap habang bumababa ang mukha n’ya sa ’kin. Punti-unti. Until I could already smell his cologne and his fresh breath.

My back stiffened. I couldn’t move. Nanginig ang buong kalamnan ko pero wala akong magawa kundi ang hintayin na lang ang paglapit ng mukha ni Killian sa ’kin.

Pero inilapit n’ya ang bibig sa tenga ko. He was so damn near that I felt some strand of his hair tickling my cheek. I shivered with the sensation that it gave me. Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng buong katawan ko.

Killian chuckled when he noticed my goosebumps. I heard him smirk in my ear.

“There is no fucking way I’ll let you escape from me, love…”

Chapter 7

Maaga akong pumasok kinabukasan dahil nga napagkasunduan pa namin ni Annika na kukunin namin ang measurements ni Killian. Si Annika naman, hindi halatang sobrang excited sa part na ’to. Hindi pa nga kami nakakapagsimulang mag-brainstorm para sa designs na gagawin namin pero mas inuna n’ya talaga ang pagkuha ng sukat ni Killian.

I sighed. Mabuti na rin sigurong maaga naming makuha ang measurement n’ya. Para mas makapag-focus ako sa paggawa ng designs.

I was freaking nervous as I made my way to the dressmaking room. Walang gagamit noon ngayong umaga so we decided that we will use that room. May palagay din kasi akong kapag sa classroom namin iyon ginawa, makikigulo ang mga block mate namin. Plus, I think Annika wanted to be alone with Killian.

Speaking of Annika, my friend replied to my chat that I should head first when I asked her where she was. Mali-late raw s’ya at baka mamayang uwian na lang kunin ang measurement ni Killian.

Nang mabasa ko ’yon ay gusto ko na lang umatras! Sinabi kong sasabay na lang ako sa kanya mamaya pero gusto n’ya raw solohin si Killian. I guess she had something different on her mind. And I’m sure she already planned for this. Excuse n’ya lang yata ang mali-late pero ang totoo, pinapasok n’ya talaga ako nang maaga para ngayon ko na kunin ang sukat si Killian at s’ya ay mamayang uwian pa dahil may iba pa s’yang gustong gawin sa lalaki!

Ah, shit… Now I hate how my mind thinks. Hindi ko nagugustuhan na pinag-iisipan ko ng masama ang kaibigan ko.

But… That’s Annika! I’ve known her almost half of my life! Alam na alam ko ang paraan kung paano s’ya mag-isip kahit hindi n’ya pa sabihin sa ’kin.

I mean, I think a lot of people have friends like that. ’Yung para bang magkadugtong ang isip n’yo at kahit hindi n’yo sabihin ay alam n’yo ang iniisip ng bawat isa. May mga times pa nga na bigla ay pareho kayong mapapakanta which was so out of the blue and you wanted to sing what’s been playing inside your head, not knowing that that was what’s been playing in your friend’s mind too.

I really like having friends like that. I really like being friends with Annika. Sobrang komportable ako sa kanya. I feel like she will understand me no matter what happens.

I took a deep breath. Itinuloy ko na lang ang paglalakad ko. Annika wanted Killian so I should at least support her with whatever she was planning. Malaki na s’ya. Alam na n’ya ang ginagawa n’ya.

Muli akong humugot nang malalim na paghinga bago binuksan ang pinto ng dressmaking room. I was expecting to see Killian inside pero nagulat pa rin ako nang makitang nando’n na nga s’ya at mukhang naghihintay sa ’min ng kaibigan ko. Nasa itsura n’ya kasi ang nali-late sa usapan just because he wanted to feel important.

I don’t know. May pagkamaangas kasi s’ya. Kaya gano’n ang naiisip ko sa kanya.

I almost rolled my eyes when I saw him smirk as soon as he saw me. He was sitting on one of the chairs so casually while leaning his back on the backrest. He had his long legs crossed and looked like he had all the time in the world.

His presence was so intimidating that I could feel it in every corner of the room. Kahit anong iwas ang gawin ko at kahit anong pilit na pag-iignora ang gawin ko, ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang presensya  n’ya.

Inilapag ko ang bag ko sa professor’s table. Wala akong planong lumapit sa kanya. Inilabas ko ang tape measure pati ang notepad na gagamitin ko para sukatan s’ya. Kinuha ko rin ang panali ko sa buhok. I tied my hair in a messy bun. Some strands fell down pero hinayaan ko na lang. I just didn’t want my hair to get in the way while I took his measurements.

Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago humarap sa kanya. He was still sitting on the chair but he had his head tilted to the side while staring at me. As if he was thinking about what he was going to do with me.

Napalunok ako. I looked at his chest, his chiselled chest, as I didn’t want to look him in the eye.

Ang aga-aga pero kinakabahan na agad ako.

“Annika will be late. She said she plans on getting your measurement later after class instead,” I said. I was so glad when my voice didn’t tremble.

“Yeah… She already told me about it.”

I frowned. How? Like kanina lang naman sa ’kin sinabi ni Annika ’yon. Unless they got each other’s numbers? Or Facebook? Tapos doon sila nag-usap.

Well, that’s… Why didn’t I like that thought?

I cleared my throat. Mukhang walang sinasayang na oras si Annika. Ang bilis n’yang kumilos.

“Well, then…” Muli akong tumikhim. “Can you stand up so I can now start taking your measurement?”

Killian chuckled. Napailing pa s’ya. Mukhang hindi makapaniwala sa isang bagay.

Tumayo s’ya. He put his hands inside the side pockets of his black maong pants and walked towards me.

“Well, good morning to you too, Irina.”

Napangiwi ako. Well, I admit I might’ve been rude. Pero kinakabahan kasi ako! I was trying so hard to calm myself down, to ignore Killian’s effect on me, to ignore everything about him, and to act normal! Kaya hindi ko alam kung ano’ng uunahin ko. Nagmukha tuloy akong bastos.

He stood in front of me, only a few steps away. He stared down at me. Parang may hinihintay s’yang mangyari. May hinihintay s’yang gawin ko.

I glanced at him pero agad ding nagbaba ng tingin nang kahit sa sulyap lang ay kitang-kita ko ang intesidad sa mga mata n’ya.

“Good morning…” maliit ang boses na sabi ko.

Killian let out a low chuckle. He looked satisfied.

“Shall we start, then?” he asked. Mabilis akong tumango.

He was wearing a navy-blue blazer over a white shirt. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang umakto s’yang huhubarin ’yon.

“Oh, no! You don’t really… have… to…”

Napatigil ako sa pagsasalita nang tuluyan na n’yang mahubad ang blazer n’ya. He was already wearing his plain white shirt. Humahapit iyon sa katawan n’ya at mas lalo kong napansin kung gaano kalapad ang dibdib n’ya.

But that wasn’t the reason why I suddenly stopped. Mas nakita ko na kasi ngayon ang tattoo sa kanang braso n’ya na noon ay sumisilip lang sa sleeves ng suot n’yang longsleeve polo.

It was definitely a snake. Buntot nga ng ahas ang nakita ko noon. Its tail was curled like an S. But it wasn’t only just a snake.

He also had a skull tattooed on his arm. Hindi buo ang nakikita ko dahil ang kalahati ng bungo ay natatakpan na ng sleeve ng shirt n’ya but it was enough for me to tell that they were snake and a skull.

The skull had its mouth open. Pumasok ang katawan ng ahas sa loob ng bibig ng bungo and I think it made its way out of the eye socket. I wasn’t really sure. Natakpan na kasi ng manggas ng shirt n’ya ang kabuuan ng tattoo. Paakyat na iyon sa balikat n’ya.

“You have a tattoo,” I blurted out even though it was so obvious. Nakatitig pa rin ako sa tattoo n’ya.

It looked… Cool. Hindi ko pa nakikita nang buo but I was so sure it looked good. It has shading and all. Mukhang magaling ang artist kung saan s’ya nagpa-tattoo.

“Yeah…” Killian said. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Nakatingin lang s’ya sa ’kin, mukhang nag-aabang sa gagawin ko.

Bumalik ang tingin ko sa katawan n’ya. I also saw some marking on his left arm but this time, I couldn’t really make out the image. Wala sa sariling napahakbang ako palapit sa kanya para mas makita nang malapitan ang tattoo n’ya.

I stared at the marking on his left arm. Pero kahit anong titig ang gawin ko ay hindi ko maintindihan iyon. I think the whole image was covered by the sleeves as well. Maiintindihan ko siguro kapag nakita ko nang buo ang tattoo n’ya.

I looked at the tattoo on his right arm. Then the one on his left arm. I absentmindedly reached out to his tattoo, still trying to figure out the image on his left arm.

“Are they connected?” I asked. Hinaplos ng mga daliri ko ang tattoo sa kaliwang braso n’ya.

I heard Killian exhaled harshly. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at nakita ang mariin n’yang titig sa ’kin. His jaw was clenching.

“No,” he said with a firm voice.

“Did it hurt when you got them?” tanong kong inosente ang mga matang nakatingin pa rin sa kanya. I was so curious.

He shook his head without taking his eyes off me.

“Not really.”

“That’s cool…” sabi kong nagbaba ng tingin.

Hinaplos ko ulit ang tattoo n’ya sa kaliwang braso. I was tempted to pull up his sleeve so I could see the whole image. But I noticed the muscles on his arms flex. Nakita ko ang paglabas ng ilang ugat doon.

I looked up at Killian and I saw his gaze on me become more intense. He was staring so hard at me as his eyes roamed around my face. Parang kinakabisado ang bawat anggulo noon.

My lips parted. I was surprised by his intense gaze. I was even mesmerized. Hindi ko talaga mapigilang mamangha kung paanong ang mga mata n’ya ay kayang magbigay ng ganoong kalakas na pakiramdam.

Killian hissed a curse as he stared at my parted lips. Napalunok ako kasabay ng pag-iinit ng buong mukha ko. Na dumaloy sa buong katawan ko.

He was now staring at my lips. With a look on his face as if he wanted to ruin it. As if he wanted to devour it. As if he wanted to taste it and now, he was given the chance. Now that it was in front of him.

“Fuck, Irina…” He was breathless.

I made a small sound in my throat when I heard his breathy voice. It was so, so sensual. Tunog nang-aakit. At kahit sino ay walang kakayahang tanggihan iyon.

And also… The way he said my name was too much for me. Hindi ko makayanan iyon at pakiramdam ko ay nanghihina ang mga tuhod ko. Ang kamay kong humahaplos lang kanina sa tattoo sa braso n’ya ay tuluyan nang napahawak doon. Na para bang doon lang ako makakakuha ng lakas.

But it wasn’t. It was a wrong move. Because right then, I felt his strong arms in my palm at the same time that I felt his warmth. Pakiramdam ko ay tumigil sa pagtibok ang puso ko roon.

I finally felt him. Our skin finally connected. Pero hindi ko inaasahan ang sobra-sobrang sensasyong dulot noon sa ’kin.

“Do you feel it too?” Killian asked. “The tension between us. Ever since that fucking day our eyes met.”

I shuddered a breath. Of course, I felt it. I knew what he was talking about. S’ya lang ang nagparamdam noon sa ’kin. And I didn’t know he felt that way about me too.

Napahigpit ang kapit ko sa kaliwang braso n’ya. At parang kulang pa iyon dahil ang isang kamay ko ay napakapit na rin sa isang braso n’ya. Malutong na napamura si Killian at mukhang hindi na nakapagpigil na hawakan ang gilid ng leeg ko.

There wasn’t any ounce of gentleness on the way he held me. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagpipigil n’ya ng lakas sa dulo ng daliri n’yang bumabaon sa balat ko. His hand was even trembling with restraint as his thumb caressed my lower lip.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” sunod-sunod ang naging pagmumura n’ya. “This is fucking impossible.” Mukhang bulong lang iyon para sa sarili n’ya pero narinig ko pa rin.

I knew I should get away. I knew I should step back. Pero hindi ko magawa iyon. I was already under his mercy and was just waiting for him to do something.

Nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko sa init na nagsisimulang bumalot sa ’ming dalawa. I have already forgotten what I was supposed to do. I have already forgotten why I was here. All I could think of right now was the strong arms of Killian in my hands and the way he caressed my lips.

“Killian…” I whispered his name because that was all I could do right now.

“Damn it.” He gritted his teeth.

His dark green eyes stared at me. Parang may hinahanap. O kinakabisa ang buong mukha ko. Then I saw fire lit up in his eyes.

“Can I ask you something?” he said almost in a whisper.

Napatitig ako sa gwapong mukha n’ya. I couldn’t fight the tension between us.

“What?” halos wala ng boses ang lumabas sa ’kin.

I saw the side of his lips slightly rose He knew the effect he had on me. He knew that I wouldn’t be able to get away anymore.

His head dipped closer. I whimpered when I felt him plant a swift kiss on the spot just below my ear. Halos hindi ko nga iyon maramdaman pero nanginig ang buong kalamnan ko roon.

He chuckled when he heard the small whimper I made. Idinikit n’ya ang bibig sa tenga ko.

“Is there enough room for my tongue inside your mouth?” he asked seductively.

That did it. I wasn’t entirely innocent. I knew exactly what he meant by that.

Maingay akong napasinghap sa naging tanong n’ya. Mas lalong nag-init ang pakiramdam ko at kung hindi lang ako nakahawak sa mga braso n’ya ay baka tuluyan nang bumigay ang mga tuhod ko.

“My God, Killian…”

“I badly want to fucking kiss you,” he said with gritted teeth.

Muli n’ya akong tinignan at kahit hindi n’ya sabihin iyon ay kitang-kita ko sa mga mata n’ya kung ano’ng gusto n’yang gawin.

“Thrust my tongue inside your mouth,” he continued. “Taste every corner of it.”

Hindi ko makayanan ang sinsabi n’ya. Sa sobrang higpit ng pagkakakapit ko sa kanya ay bumabaon na ang kuko ko sa balat n’ya. But he didn’t show any sign that he was hurting. Mukhang mas nagpapaalab lang ’yon sa nakikita kong apoy sa mga mata n’ya.

I was already panting. Napatitig ako sa kanya. Si Killian ay hindi inaalis ang tingin sa ’kin na para bang gustong panoorin ang lahat ng magiging reaksyon ko.

“Can I?” he still asked. Kahit pa nakikita ko na parang hindi na n’ya kayang pigilan pa ang sarili.

“Killian—”

“Answer me now, love…” he demanded. “I only have a fucking little restraint left right now.”

I stared at him. Hindi ko na kayang magsalita. Pakiramdam ko ay nauubos na ang hangin sa baga ko. I also noticed that he was already holding my body. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay nakalapat na sa likod ko habang ang isa ay hawak pa rin ang gilid ng leeg ko. Magkalapat na ang mga katawan namin at ramdam na ramdam ko ang init ng katawan n’ya.

I made a small nod. So small I wasn’t sure if he noticed as he hissed a curse.

“Ah, fuck it.”

The next thing I knew, his lips were already on mine. Hindi ko pa nga maintindihan ang nangyayari noong una. Nakadilat pa ang mga mata ko.

Killian already clouded my mind. He invaded all my senses. My whole being was screaming only for him. Amoy na amoy ko rin ang panlalaking pabangong ginamit n’ya. That fresh scent mixed with a strong and sweet smell. Now, it was mixed with his sweat as well.

But boy, it just made him smell more intoxicating. It was addicting and I couldn’t get enough of it. Parang gusto kong dumikit din ang amoy n’ya sa ’kin.

I closed my eyes. Ang mga braso ko ay umangat na paikot sa batok n’ya at mas hinigit ko s’ya palapit sa ’kin. I felt him smirked on my lips and it was so sexy. He was so sexy.

Killian deepened the kiss and a moan escaped from my throat. I had been kissed before but it wasn’t anything near this feeling. Ibang-iba ang halik na ibinibigay sa ’kin ni Killian ngayon. As if I was so thirsty and Killian was the only one who could clench my thirst. At habang hinahalikan n’ya ako, parang ayoko na lang matapos ang halik.

I knew right then that I would get addicted to his kiss. With his warm and soft lips.

Hindi ko namalayan ang pag-atras na ginawa ko hanggang sa bumangga na lang ang likod ko sa professor’s table. Pareho naming hindi pinansin ni Killian iyon.

We just continued kissing. I tried answering his kiss but the way he kissed me was just so intense I couldn’t keep up with him. Pakiramdam ko ay nalulunod na ako.

Naramdaman kong bumaba ang mga kamay ni Killian sa bewang ko. He carried me and made me sit at the table. I even heard a thud, probably my bag fell on the floor but I didn’t mind it. All I could think of was Killian’s lips on mine.

He positioned himself between my legs. Nakayakap na ako sa mga balikat n’ya at ang mga kamay ko ay sumasabunot sa buhok n’ya. I didn’t know how. It was instinct. As I want Killian near me. Mas hinihigit ko pa s’ya palapit sa ’kin.

Tinanggal ni Killian ang pagkakatali sa buhok ko habang hindi pinuputol ang halikan namin. I felt him brush my hair with his fingers and the sensation tickled my scalp. Pero hindi nagtagal ang nakakakiliting pakiramdam na ’yon.

He was doing something with my hair. Inipon n’ya iyon at ipinaikot sa pulsuhan n’ya. He was now holding my hair like a rope so when he pulled it and tugged it down, I yelped. Ginawa n’ya iyon para mas mapatingala ako sa kanya. Bahagya ring napaawang ang mga labi ko.

Naghiwalay ang mga labi namin. I saw him smirk. He looked satisfied with what happened. There was a savage glint in his eyes as he looked down at me. He looked so ruthless.

He dipped his head down again and our lips connected. But this time, ipinasok n’ya ang dila sa loob ng bibig ko. Pareho pa kaming napaungol nang magsalubong ang mga dila namin.

His tongue started playing with mine. I was feeling lightheaded with how his tongue invaded my mouth, tasting every corner. He really did what he said earlier, even thrusting his tongue inside my mouth from time to time.

But I still tried to answer his kisses. Sinubukan kong lumaban. I heard Killian chuckle from his throat. Mukhang natuwa sa ginawa ko.

The feeling of his soft lips against mine was so good. It was even the best feeling in the world. Kaya sa palagay ko ay hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan iyon. I probably would even beg so that I could feel it again.

I didn’t want the kiss to end. Kahit mapupugto na ang hininga ko, wala akong planong tumigil. But Killian ended the kiss. Hinabol ko pa nga ang mga labi n’ya nang subukan n’yang lumayo sa ’kin.

Killian made another low chuckle.

“Easy there, love…”

I stared at him. I blinked. He was looking at me, amusement was in his eyes but there was still that fire that got ignited because of the kiss that just happened between us.

Kiss… We kissed.

I blinked. Parang bigla akong nagising sa isang magandang panaginip at nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig. My eyes widened, realizing what happened. Bigla akong tinamaan ng hiya at nagtangka akong bumaba sa table kahit na nakapwesto pa rin sa gitna ng mga hita ko si Killian.

Pero mukhang inaasahan na ni Killian iyon dahil hindi n’ya ako hinayaang makawala ako sa kanya. He even hugged me. He enveloped me inside his muscular body. He caressed my back as if soothing me.

“Shush… It’s alright, love… It’s alright.”

His voice was so gentle. Ibang-iba sa paraan ng pagkakatitig n’ya sa ’kin kanina. Ibang-iba sa image ng Killian na nakilala ko. I didn’t even think his voice could sound so gentle like that.

Probably because I was trembling. My whole body was trembling. Kung dahil ba sa kahihiyan sa nangyari o dahil sa epekto ng halik n’ya, hindi ko alam.

He was caressing my back soothingly and slowly, I started to calm down. Ibinigay ko ang buong bigat ko sa kanya. I leaned my head on his shoulders. I closed my eyes as I listened to his voice, taking in his warmth.

“Everything’s alright, love…”

Chapter 8

Killian continued caressing my back even after I’d already calmed down. Hindi rin naman ako umalis sa pagkakasandal sa katawan n’ya. I didn’t have the heart to. I was still savoring his warmth against my body. And the gentleness of his touch as he brushed my back softly as if I was some delicate thing that would break anytime with just one wrong touch.

It was so soothing. I’d never felt so calm in my life before this. Para bang hindi naging grabe ang panginginig at lakas ng tibok ng puso ko kanina dahil sa nangyari.

He managed to calm the turmoil inside my chest, and also in my mind. He made me feel like everything was indeed alright. Na wala naman talagang masama sa nararamdaman ko. Na wala akong dapat maging problema sa nangyari kanina lang.

I couldn’t even imagine that being kissed by Killian would give me such feelings. Kakaiba sa pakiramdam na hindi ako makahanap ng tamang salita para ipaliwanag iyon. It was an out-of-this-world feeling. As if I wouldn’t be able to feel that majestic feeling with anyone else again.

Sa kanya lang. He even made sure of that.

Nag-iba ang paraan ng paghaplos ni Killian sa likod ko. He was now caressing it with just the tip of his fingers. Mas lalong naging magaan na para bang hangin na lang ang dumadampi roon. At nagbibigay iyon ng kakaibang kiliti sa ’kin.

It was as if he was scratching my back but slowly and gently. Napapahugot ako nang malalim na paghinga at napapaliyad din sa tuwing dumadaan ang mga daliri n’ya sa nakakakiliting parte ng likod ko.

I couldn’t help the small moan that escaped my throat because of the sensation. And when I heard Killian soft chuckle and the slight shake of his shoulders, I figured he was seducing me with his touch. As if he was tempting me to give him any reaction and he succeeded.

Napasimangot ako. I finally managed to gather my strength and pull away from him. I held onto his arms as I did so and I tried so hard to ignore the feeling of his hard muscles on my palms.

I didn’t say anything at first. As soon as I distanced myself from him, bumalik na naman ang kaba sa dibdib ko. My heart beats faster again and the embarrassment from what just happened between us came crashing on me like a meteorite.

We kissed. And it wasn’t just a simple kiss. To think that it was the first time we kissed and yet, ganoon na agad ang nangyari. Para bang uhaw na uhaw kami sa mga labi ng isa’t isa. It was so instense.

And I have to admit. It was also… hot. Ramdam ko pa nga rin ang init sa katawan ko kahit na ilang minuto na ang nakalipas. And I could also still feel Killian’s warm lips on mine.

Hindi tuloy ako makatingin sa kanya. Pinagtuunan ko na lang ng pansin ang markang nakalabas sa sleeves sa kaliwang braso n’ya. Still trying to figure out what his tattoo on his upper left arm was.

Pero napasimangot din ako nang maalalang dahil sa pagiging kuryoso ko sa tattoo n’ya ay nauwi sa halikan ang sanang pagkuha ko lang ng sukat ng katawan n’ya!

I knew Killian was looking down at me even if I couldn’t see it. I could always feel his intense stare. Ganoon lagi s’ya kabigat kung tumingin sa ’kin.

“Your lips are swollen,” I heard him say. Nagulat pa ako sa biglang pagsasalita n’ya.

I looked up at him. He was staring hard at my lips and I saw something in his eyes. It was so familiar as I already saw it earlier before he ravished my lips.

Napatingin din tuloy ako sa mga labi n’ya. My face heated when I noticed that his lips were a bit plump too and redder. Alam kong ako ang may gawa noon.

“Yours too,” maliit ang boses na sabi ko bago nagbaba ng tingin. Mas lalong nag-init ang mukha ko nang marinig ulit ang mahinang pagtawa ni Killian na para bang naaaliw s’ya sa sitwasyon.

Samantalang ako, mamamatay na yata sa kahihiyan at sa sobrang kaba rito.

Gusto ko sanang takasan ang sitwasyon. It was so awkward. O ako lang yata ang nakakaramdam noon dahil nga titig na titig pa si Killian sa ’kin at tumatawa-tawa pa nga.

Pero kahit parang gusto ko na lang kumaripas ng takbo ay hindi ko magawa. Killian’s huge frame was blocking my body, preventing me from going anywhere.

I really hate this. I really hate how I got so distracted. This was what I was trying to avoid. Imbes na kukunin ko lang ang measurement n’ya, iba ang nangyari.

Even from the start, I already knew that Killian would manage to do it. He could take my mind off something else and made me focus only on him. He could distract me with the feelings and sensations he was making me feel.

It just happened. And there was no one I could blame but myself.

Killian was a walking temptation. He was a complete distraction.

Napansin ko ang bahagyang pagyuko ni Killian. He was crouching down a bit. Sinisilip n’ya ang mukha ko at sinusubukang hulihin ang tingin kong kanina ko pa iniiwas sa kanya. Hindi ko kasi talaga s’ya matingnan. I was so embarassed!

He made another low chuckle. Nahalata na yata ang hiyang nararamdaman ko.

“Hey, hey… Look at me,” masuyo ang paraan ng pagkakasabi n’ya. “Look at me, love.”

Because of the gentleness of his voice, I couldn’t help but give him what he was asking. I looked at him. I just accepted the fact that I’m really weak against him.

He smirked. His eyes danced in amusement when our eyes finally met.

“There you go…” he said. Mukhang naaaliw na tiningnan ko na rin s’ya. “I told you it’s alright.”

Napasimangot ako.

“I was supposed to get your measurement.”

Napangisi s’ya. Maya-maya ay natawa.

“You can still do it though,” sabi n’yang hindi nawawala ang ngisi sa mga labi. “But before that, let me kiss you again.”

Hindi na ako nakapalag nang ikulong n’ya sa mga palad n’ya ang mukha ko. He dipped his head and I just felt his lips on mine again. Agad ang pagpikit ng mga mata ko na para bang alam na alam ng katawan ko kung ano’ng gagawin. As if we’ve been doing it for so long kaya nasanay na ang katawan ko.

The intensity of his kiss wasn’t any different from the one he gave me earlier. Ganoon yata talaga s’ya humalik. May panggigigil. It was as if all he wanted to do was devour my lips all this time.

Nag-init ang buong katawan ko at tumugon sa halik n’ya. I kissed him back, trying to equal the intensity of his kiss. Ramdam ko ang pagngisi ni Killian sa mga labi ko bago n’ya marahang kinagat ang ibabang labi ko. He tugged my lower lip as he pulled away from the kiss.

I felt the sting because of what he did. But it was that kind of pain that felt really good. At kung may pagkakataong maulit uli, hindi ko tatanggihan iyon.

Itinago ko sa pagsimangot ang kahihiyang naramdaman ko dahil muli akong bumigay sa halik n’ya.

“I really need to get your measurement now, Killian. Stop kissing me!”

Malakas ang naging pagtawa n’ya. He stared at me before he reached for my face. Hinaplos n’ya ang mga labi kong bahagyang namamaga.

“I apologize, love…” he said but he didn’t look apologetic at all. “I just couldn’t resist when such a beauty is seducing me.”

I frowned at him. S’ya nga ’tong nang-aakit d’yan. He was always tempting me with… with just his presence!

“Move away. I need to start now or else I’ll be late with my class,” sabi ko bago pa mauwi sa kung saan na naman ang tingin n’ya sa ’kin.

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang sumunod naman si Killian. He took a step back away from me but not enough for my comfort space. Ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin kasi ang presensy n’ya na kahit yata sa dulo s’ya ng kwarto pumwesto ay mararamdaman ko pa rin.

Bumaba na ako mula sa pagkakaupo sa prof’s desk. I feel my cheeks heated with my boldness. I couldn’t believe I would let him make me sit at that desk just so I would be able to kiss him better. Nawalan na talaga ako ng pake sa kahit ano kanina.

Hinanap ko pa nga ang bag kong nalaglag. I picked it up. Kinuha ko ang tape measure at hinarap na si Killian na wala na yatang planong alisin ang titig n’ya sa ’kin. It was like watching me became his favorite hobby!

As I still didn’t have any particular clothes in my mind that I would make for him, I decided to get all his measurements. Para hindi na ako kulangin kung sakali. Besides, this was my weakness. Maraming napansing mali sa fitting ko noon kaya gusto kong ma-perfect na sana ngayon.

Lumapit ako kay Killian. Hindi ko s’ya tinitignan sa mukha dahil baka mas lalo pa akong kabahan at baka tuluyan na nga lang akong kumaripas ng takbo kapag nakita ko ang paraan ng pagtitig n’ya sa ’kin. Nagsimula akong kunin ang sukat ko n’ya nang hindi talaga tumitingin sa mukha n’ya.

I measured his shoulders. And boy, it was so broad. Kaya pala ganoon ang pakiramdam ko kanina nang yakap n’ya ako. It felt like his body could cover me whole. Kaya masarap sa pakiramdam nang sumandal ako sa balikat n’ya kanina at parang ayoko na ngang umalis.

I cleared my throat. kung saan-saan napupunta ang isip ko. I was just trying to measure his body for Christ’s sake!

Kahit ang dibdib at likod n’ya ay malapad. Halata na rin naman iyon pero nagugulat pa rin talaga ako ngayong nakukuha ko na ang totoong sukat ng mga iyon.

“Fuck, Irina. Your serious face is such a turn-on.”

“Shut up, Killian!” I hissed. Nabubwisit sa mga pinagsasabi n’ya. Pero mas nabubwisit ako sa sarili ko dahil naapektuhan ako sa mga sinasabi n’ya at pinamulahan pa ako ng mukha.

“Alright, love…” Killian said with a chuckle.

I continued on measuring his arm. I couldn’t help myself when I stopped for a bit to stare at his tattoos. Lalo na roon sa kaliwang braso n’ya dahil wala talaga akong maisip kung ano iyon.

“You’re really curious with my tattoos, huh?” sabi ni Killian nang mapansin ang pagtitig. “I can take off my shirt if you really want to see them whole. You just have to ask.”

I rolled my eyes despite the burning of my cheeks. For a moment, I really thought of asking him that just to satisfy my curiosity. Pero baka hindi ko na talaga matapos ang dapat kong gawin.

“You’re such a flirt,” I whispered which made Killian chuckle.

“Why, I couldn’t help it. Not when I finally found what I wanted. The most beautiful thing. And she’s in front of me.”

Hindi ko na lang pinansin ang sinabi n’ya. Kailangan ko na nga yatang masanay na ganito s’ya magsalita. I really have to. Dahil alam kong hindi ito ang huling beses na magkakasama kami ng ganito.

It would be a lot of times. Especially sa fitting ng mga gagawin naming damit para sa kanya. If need ng alterations or anything.

I started measuring his lower body. Napalunok pa nga ako bago lumuhod sa harapan n’ya. I went down. Sinukat ko ang haba ng lower body part n’ya.

Wow… He really has long legs. It would be great to make him pants or trousers. Mas makikita ang design at mas magandang tingnan.

I gulped and my hands started to shake when I measured the front rise. I put the measuring tape from his waist to his crotch.

And shit…  Bigla ko na lang naalala ang sinabi ni Annika noon.

Judging the bulge in the front of his pants, it was so obvious that what Annika said was true. That he has a huge…

What about the piercing?

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. Fuck. Damn it, Irina! Ano ba mga iniisip mo?!

Ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagsusukat pero nanginginig ang mga kamay ko na nahalata yata ni Killian.

“Relax…” sabi n’yang dinig ko ang pagtawa n’ya roon.

I looked up at him while still kneeling in front of him. Killian was looking down at me. Natigil s’ya sa pagtawa at napangisi.

He bit his lower lip and the look in his eyes changed. I saw something dangerous in it. As if he was planning to do something ruthless and dangerous to me and he wanted to watch it all.

“Fucking damn it,” he hissed. His jaw was clenching so hard as he gritted his teeth.

Mabilis akong nagbaba ng tingin nang magkaroon ng ideya kung ano’ng iniisip n’ya. Having a friend like Annika gave me such ideas. Hindi na ganoong kainosente ang utak ko.

Binilisan ko na lang ang pagkuha ng sukat n’ya. Hindi ko na nga yata naayos! Pero kung hindi ko kasi bibilisan, baka kung ano na namang mangyari! Kabang-kaba at pulang-pula na ang mukha ko!

Tumayo na ako pagkatapos at hindi tinignan si Killian. I checked the measurement I took from him. His body was perfect based on his measurement. Pang-model talaga.

I suddenly feel excited about making clothes for him. This was this urge in me that wanted to work hard for this. I wanted to make perfect clothes for him. A perfect body like his really needs perfect clothes.

But still, I bet anything would still look good on him.

Tiningnan ko si Killian at huling-huli ko ang titig n’ya sa ’kin. I bet he didn’t even take his eyes off me even for a second. I blushed and looked away.

Killian chuckled. I heard him take a step toward me that made me stiffened. Lalo pa nang maramdaman ko ang magaan n’yang paghawak sa siko ko.

“C’mon. You’ll be late for your class.”

Tumango ako at nagsimulang ayusin ang mga gamit ko. I was silent the whole time. Si Killian naman ay tahimik lang ding pinapanood ang mga kilos ko. Kahit pa naiilang ako sa mga titig n’ya, hindi ko naman s’ya magawang pagsabihan. Bumalik ang awkwardness na nararamdaman ko.

I wnet out the room and Killian followed me. He was still following me as I made my way to our classroom. Binibilisan ko na nga ang paglalakad para hindi n’ya ako maabutan. But he has long legs so he also has long strides. Walang kahirap-hirap n’yang nasasabayan ang mabilis kong paglalakad. He even chuckled as my plan to escape from him was futile.

Nagmamadali akong puamsok sa room nang hindi na talaga nilingon si Killian. I even forgot to say my thanks and he might’ve thought that I really am a rude person. Pero gusto ko na kasing makatakas sa kanya.

nang sa wakas ay makapunta na ako sa upuan ko ay saka lang ako lumingon sa likod. Which was such a bad idea as I saw Killian leaning on the doorframe of our room. He was already wearing his blazer and had his arms crossed over his chest. He even had his legs crossed while standing and had his head tilted to the side as he stared at me, oblivious to the stares that my block mates were giving him.

Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at umuo na sa tabi ni Annika. I saw her looking at Killian before she looked at me.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Huh? What do you mean what happened?” kinakabahan kong tanong.

May alam ba s’ya sa nangyari? o baka nahalata n’ya sa ’kin? May kakaiba ba sa mukha ko? Did my expression scream that I just kissed Killian?

“Did you get his measurement?” tanong ni annika at nakahinga ako nang maluwag.

“Oh… That’s what you meant.”

“Of course, that’s what I meant.” She giggled. “So?”

“Y-yeah…” I suddenly felt so guilty. I cleared my throat. “Yeah. I got it.”

She grinned at me.

“That’s great! I’ll have my chance later.”

Natahimik ako. Hindi ko nagustuhan ang biglang pumasok sa isip ko na plano n’yang gawin mamaya.

“Hmm.” That was all I could manage to react to.

Annika smiled sweetly at me. Mukhang walang ideya sa kung ano’ng nararamdaman ko. She even looked happy, probably for later.

Annika likes Killian. Nang hinalikan ako ni Killian kanina, nawala talaga iyon sa isip ko.

Now… I feel like I’m a terrible friend.

Chapter 9

I was twirling the pencil with my hands. Nakapangalumbaba ako habang nakatitig sa sketch pad sa harapan ko. Annika was sitting across the table and was explaining something. I knew she was talking about something pero wala roon ang concentration ko.

We were in my workroom, brainstorming for the collection that we will make. Nagbabatuhan kami ng mga idea at suggestion, and Annika was the one who contributed the most between the two of us.

Ganoon naman si Annika. She was carefree but she knew when to get serious with her studies. Kaya wala rin akong problema na maging partner s’ya para sa final exam namin na ’to. I was actually thankful that she wanted me as her partner as well. I’d be comfortable working with her. Lalo pa at ito ang unang beses na magkakaroon ako ng katulong.

At ito nga, she had a lot of ideas she was sharing with me. She was sketching as she talked as if trying to make me understand more of what she wanted to do instead of just explaining it to me. She was working so hard and I’ve been trying my best to keep up with her. Pero may bagay na gumugulo talaga sa isip ko kaya hindi ako makapag-concentrate sa sinasabi n’ya.

I was wondering about what happened yesterday when she… When she got Killian’s measurement. Hinintay ko ang chat n’ya or text n’ya kgabi as I was expecting her to tell me about it. Pero hindi dumating ang hinihintay ko. Hinayaan ko na lang dahil magkikita naman kami kinabukasan.

And now she’s here, inaasahan kong magkukwento agad s’ya tungkol doon kaninang pagkarating n’ya pa lang. But I guess Annika was feeling productive today. Dahil nagsimula agad kaming magbatuhan ng ideas nang dumating s’ya. I’ve been waiting for her to open the conversation about it, pero masyadong seryoso si Annika sa ginagawa namin.

And it’s making me so frustrated. I hated being bothered like this. Wala naman akong pakialam noon sa sex life ni Annika but now, it had been bothering me. Kagabi pa. Hindi nga ako nakakuha nang maayos na tulog kaya rin siguro hirap akong makapag-concentrate ngayon.

Maybe because… It was Killian this time.

I was starting to get curious about him. Naalala ko ’yung sinabi n’yang nasabi na sa kanya ni Annika na mali-late s’ya kahapon. I was wondering how she got to tell him about that. So, I tried to search for his account on Facebook.

But I didn’t find one. Sinubukan ko sa iba pang social media pero wala s’yang kahit anong social media accounts. Inabot na nga ako nang madaling araw sa paghahanap pero wala talaga akong nakita.

That’s when I realized that Annika got Killian’s number and that was how she got to tell him she would be late yesterday.

So, they’re text mates, huh?

I glanced at Annika. She was still busy sketching the idea she just explained to me. Na hindi ko naintindihan dahil wala talaga roon ang concentration ko.

I took a deep breath. This isn’t good. Wala kaming matatapos nito. Yes, we’ve got the perfect model but, of course, we will still be graded based on our work. And it would be unfair for Annika that she was this serious about our final exam yet I was this distracted.

So, I decided to do something about my curiosity.

“Annika,” I called her.

“Yes?” Hindi man lang s’ya nag-angat ng tingin at patuloy pa rin sa pag-sketch.

“Did something happen yesterday?”

“Huh?” She still wasn’t looking at me.

“You know… About you and…” I cleared my throat. “About you and Killian.”

This time, Annika looked at me. There was a frown on her face and I couldn’t blame her. It was my first time asking her about this. Minsan kasi, kusa na lang s’yang nagkukwento kahit hindi ko s’ya tinatanong.

“Wow, Irina… I didn’t know that you were actually interested in my sex life. You’ve never shown interest before.”

I pursed my lips. Kaagad akong nag-isip ng dahilan.

“Because I didn’t even personally know your partners before but I got to know how they perform in bed. This is different ’cause Killian is our model.”

Annika giggled. Inirapan ko s’ya dahil alam kong naaalala n’ya ang mga reaksyon ko sa mga kwento n’ya noon. Kahit kasi balat o mga nunal sa katawan ng mga nakaka-partner n’ya ay sinasabi n’ya talaga sa ’kin!

“What do you want to know now?” Annika asked with a wide grin on her lips. “If Kill really has a dick piercing?”

“Shhh!” agad kong saway sa kanya. Napatingin pa ako sa pinto kahit na alam kong nakasara iyon kanina pa. I was worried that my parents or Yulia would come any minute tapos maabutan pa na ganito ang usapan namin!

Natawa ulit si Annika sa naging reaksyon ko. I bet I was even blushing right now as I felt my face heated.

“This is why I love telling you about it!” sabi pa ni Annika na natatawa. “Your reactions are so cute!”

Napasimangot ako. She’s making fun of me. Bakit ba kasi hindi na ako nasanay kung gaano ka-unfiltered ang bibig ni Annika? Kaya naman lagi talaga akong namumula kapag ganoon ang kinukwento n’ya.

“So?” sabi kong naiinip na. “Did something happen between you and Killian?”

“Why would you think that?” tanong pa ni Annika na ngiting-ngiti. Ibinaba na ang lapis at nagpangalumbaba sa table habang nakatingin sa ’kin.

“You’ve been so vocal about wanting to bed him and that was your chance. You also got his phone number, right?”

“How did you know?” she asked, still smiling.

So, that proved it. Nakuha n’ya nga ang number ni Killian. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng inis.

“That’s how you got to tell him you were going to get his measurement after class as you were gonna be late. Killian doesn’t have any social media account.”

Mas lumawak pa ang ngiti ni Annika. Maya-maya ay natawa.

“You looked for his social media account?” sabi n’yang hindi makapaniwala pero ngiting-nguiti naman. “My, Irina… This is so new of you!”

Nataranta ako.

“I… I didn’t-” tanggi ko pa pero tumawa na nang malakas si Annika.

“Do you like Killian?”

“What? No!” mariin kong tanggi. My eyes even widened as if she just said something ridiculous.

“Irina… If you want me to tell you what happened yesterday, then you have to be honest with me too. It’s unfair, you know.”

I took a deep breath. Pinagsisihan ko na agad ang pagtatanong. Ang akala ko kasi ay ikukwento n’ya agad. Especially she looked so excited yesterday.

Iniisip ko tuloy na baka wala naman nangyari talaga kaya hindi s’ya nagkukwento. But this is Annika. Hindi n’ya palalagapasin ang pagkakataon na ’yon. And she’s gorgeous! Sa mga naririnig ko kay Killian, hindi n’ya tatanggihan si Annika.

“So?” untag sa ’kin ni Annika nang manahimik ako. “Do you like Killian?”

Tinitigan ko si Annika. She looked excited. Hindi na nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi n’ya which got me confused. It was as if she was expecting me to say yes as I was really obvious. And she wouldn’t even get mad at me for liking the guy that she likes.

Pareho nang nawala ang focus namin sa kung ano’ng dapat na gawin. At sa tingin ko rin, hindi ako titigilan ni Annika hangga’t hindi ko s’ya sinasagot. Hindi rin naman ako makakapag-concentrate talaga kapag hindi ko nalaman kung ano’ng nangyari sa kanila kahapon.

And… this is Annika. My best friend. Even almost my sister. She’s been honest with me, telling me things about her life she wanted to share with me. Dahil parang kapatid na rin ang turing n’ya sa ’kin.

I sighed. Nag-aalangan ko s’yang tiningnan.

“You won’t get mad if I’ll tell you I like Killian?” nakangiwi kong tanong sa kanya.

Annika looked at me as if it was me who said something ridiculous this time.

“Of course not! Do you really think our friendship is that shallow? Besides, it isn’t really Kill that I like though.”

“But you said you’re fine with him too ’cause both Romanov brothers are hot.”

Natawa lang s’ya.

“You like Kill, then?” tanong n’ya ulit.

Ilang sandali pa ako nag-isip bago dahan-dahang tumango. I was blushing as I looked down, embarassed.

That was the first time I told her about liking someone. Alam ni Annika kung gaano ko sinusubukang magseryoso sa pag-aaral at iniiwasan ang anumang distractions. And that was also the first time I admitted that I did like Killian. Hindi ko pa nga ’yon inaamin sa sarili ko.

Because that was it is, right? I like Killian. That’s why I get so distracted when he’s around. Kahit nga wala s’ya sa paligid at maisip ko lang s’ya, nawawala na agad ako sa focus.

I like him. Kaya ganoon na lang ako maapektuhan sa kanya. That’s also why I responded to his kiss and I even wished it would happen again.

It was my first time liking someone this much. So much that I let myself get distracted and let my guard down.

Annika squealed. Napatingin ako sa kanya at mukha s’yang kinikilig kaya natawa ako.

“I’m so glad to know that you’re capable of liking someone,” she said. Nagpanggap pang naluluha at pinunasan ang gilid ng mga mata n’ya. “I was even afraid you’d marry your work in the future!”

I rolled my eyes heavenwards. Pero napangiti na rin ako. Now that I got to tell her about it, bigla ay parang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko na kailangang maglihim sa kanya.

“So? Did something happen between you and him yesterday?” I asked for the third time today.

“Are you jealous of me?” she asked instead of answering my question. Ngiting-ngiti pa nga at halatang inaasar na naman ako!

“Annika!” saway ko na. Hindi na napigilan ang inis dahil kanina ko pa talaga gustong malaman ang sagot.

Annika giggled. Maya-maya ay napangiti.

“Don’t worry, Irina. Nothing happened.”

I frowned.

“Nothing?”

“Yup! Nothing. I just got his measurements. That’s all.”

Hindi ko mapaniwalaan iyon.

“But why?” tanong ko pa. “You didn’t make a move?”

“Oh, I did. But he wasn’t interested. He flat-out rejected me.”

I just couldn’t believe it even though I felt like a huge burden had just been lifted up from my shoulders. Hindi ko pa rin mapaniwalaan kahit na ikinatuwa kong malaman na walang nangyari sa kanila ni Killian.

“But why?” I dumbly asked.

Annika shruuged her shoulders. She looked like she didn’t fret much about it.

“I guess he’s just not interested?” And then she grinned. “But you, my friend. I am so sure that something happened between you and him yesterday. You looked so shaken when you entered the room.”

Natigilan ako. Wow… Hindi ko alam na magaling pa lang makaramdam si Annika. Ohalata lang talaga ako kahapon?

“So? Did something happen between you and Kill yesterday?” It was her turn to ask me that question this time.

I couldn’t say anything. I suddenly felt nervous that I couldn’t look her in the eye as well. I got worried. Nakaramdam din ako ng hiya. It was my first time I admitted to her that I like someone tapos sasabihin ko agad na naghalikan kami?

Now that I’ve thought about it, para ngang ang bilis ng nangyari sa ’min ni Killian. Hell, that was the first time we were alone together tapos gano’n na agad ang nangyari. It felt like I got hypnotized by his deep green eyes and by his kisses that I wasn’t able to resist him.

Now, I’m worried about what would happen the next time we get alone together again. If he tries to tempt me again, I don’t think I would be able to resist his temptation, especially now that I already know how it feels to be kissed by him.

“C’mon, Irina. You don’t have to feel embarrassed now. After all those things I told you, our friendship is way past that stage.”

I looked at Annika and bit my lower lip. I was so embarrassed. Hindi ko yata kayang sabihin sa kanya. May hula rin akong pulang-pula ang buong mukha ko ngayon.

“Did you have sex?” tanong na ni Annika nang mainip na yata sa sagot ko.

Nag-eeskandalo ko s’yang tiningnan.

“What? No!”

“Well… I thought so too. Knowing you, you would freak out the moment Kill’s tried to kiss you.”

Natigilan ako. I stilled. At siguro ay nahalata rin ni Annika ang pagkabalisa ko dahil nanlaki ang mga mata n’ya.

“Oh, my God! You two kissed?”

“Shh! Shh! Quiet!” natatrantang saway ko dahil napakalakas ang boses n’ya. Baka may makarinig sa kanya sa labas!

Tinakpan naman ni Annika ang bibig n’ya pero kitang-kita ko sa mga mata n’ya na hindi s’ya makapaniwala.

“You really kissed? I can’t believe this!”

“He kissed me first!” pabulong kong sabi, trying to defend myself pero mas lalo lang nanlaki ang mga mata ni Annika.

“So you kissed him back then?”

Napangiwi ako. I was so amazed how she could manage to know something even though I didn’t tell her about it. Kanina pa. Siguro ay dahil na rin sa mga sinasabi ko. She’s interpreting it in a different way.

Pinaypayan ni Annika ang mukha n’ya gamit ang mga kamay. She took a deep breath. She looked like she was freaking out pero halata naman sa kianya na nasisiyahan.

“I’m so shocked right now,” maarte n’yang sabi habang maarte ring pinapaypayan ang sarili.

“Oh, cut it out…” nahihiya kong sabi at ibinaon ang mukha sa mga palad ko.

I heard Annika giggle. She looked like she was having fun.

“So? How was it? C’mon, Irina. I need the details.”

I peeked through my fingers. Kahit na nahihiya ay hindi ko rin mapigilang mapangiti.

“It was so intense, Annika,” pag-amin ko.

Tumili si Annika pero agad ding tinakpan ang bibig. She giggled through her palms.

“I don’t know why I feel so proud of you right now. I feel like a mother who raised her child so well.”

Natatawang inirapan ko s’ya. Hinarap ko na ang sketch pad ko. Now that I finally know that nothing happened between then and that I told her about how I felt with Killian, I think I would be able to focus on our work now. Nawala ang bigat sa dibdib ko.

I didn’t know I would enjoy talking to Annika about it. Unlike before with my friends before. Napilitan pa nga akong mag-boyfriend noon para lang makasabay sa usapan nila.

But with Annika, it was so different. Maybe because I liked being friends with her despite our differences. Hindi n’ya pinaparamdam na kailangan maging katulad n’ya ako para maging kaibigan n’ya.

At siguro dahil rin hindi na pilit ang nararamdam ko kay Killian. I know I really like him. At ganito pala ang pakiramdam kapag gusto mo ang isang tao.

“Don’t worry. I think Kill likes you too.”

Napaangat ang tingin ko kay Annika. She was sketching again.

“What?” I asked. I couldn’t stop the hope that suddenly grew in me. “There’s no way. I mean… That’s Killian Romanov. He can get any woman he wants.”

“Then why did he kiss you?” Annika asked as she looked at me.

“Maybe it was a spur of a moment?”

Killian already said it. He also felt the tension between us. Siguro ay ginawa n’ya ’yon dahil hindi n’ya na rin malabanan ang tensyon?

Annika chuckled. She gave me a knowing smile.

“We’ll see about that.”

Annika and I managed to finalize our ideas that weekend. We decided to make three clothes for each of us as our prof let us have six clothes in a collection instead of the usual. We will sketch the design down first and let each other check the design before making it.

Dahil halos lahat ng subjects ay itong fashion show ang ginawang final exam at ang ibang prof ay pinagpasa na lang kami ng requirements to give us enough time for the fashion show, they were kind enough to give way for it, kaya hindi magiging problema sa ’min ang oras dahil pwede rin kaming gumawa sa university. Ang buong focus namin ay nakalaan na sa fashion show.

“Kill!”

My back straightened when I heard Annika call that name. Napatigil din sa paggalaw ang kamay ko mula sa pag-sketch nang idea na nasa isip ko. I looked at Annika who was looking behind me. Nang makitang nakatingin ako sa kanya, she gave me her innocent smile.

It was an innocent smile but I got nervous. I knew her enough not to know that she was planning something that wasn’t good for me.

We were at the cafeteria, having our break. Pareho kaming may hawak na sandwich ni Annika sa kaliwang kamay at ang kanang kamay namin ay busy sa pag-sketch ng design. We were so busy, not minding the noise. Until Annika shouted that name.

Naamoy ko muna ang pabango ni Killian before I noticed him standing beside me in the corner of my eye. Deretsong-deretso ang likod ko kasabay nang malakas na tibok ng puso ko. Nakalimutan ko na naman yatang huminga dahil wala akong kagalaw-galaw.

Shit. Ngayon lang ulit kami nagkita matapos nang mangyari ang halikan sa pagitan namin. I didn’t know how to act around him and I was afraid I might make a fool of myself!

Pinanlakihan ko ng mga mata si Annika pero mas lalo lang lumawak ang ngiti n’ya. She looked up at Killian who was standing beside me.

“Are you just having your lunch now?” she asked.

“No. I went to your classroom and didn’t see Irina there. Your classmates told me you were both here.”

My breathing hitched. He was so blunt with his words!

Annika giggled. Mukhang kinikilig pa nga yata ang magaling kong kaibigan. Samantalang ako ay hindi alam kung paano aakto rito.

“Oh, we got hungry and also decided to work here instead. We’re starting to make the designs you will wear on our fashion show.”

“Hmm… I wanna see them.”

“They’re not done yet,” sabi kong hindi s’ya tinitingnan pero ramdam ko ang mga titig ni Killian sa ’kin.

“Then let me watch you make them,” he said. Nagulat na lang ako nang umupo s’ya sa tabi ko.

Mabilis akong umusog palayo sa kanya. I heard him make a low chuckle. Nagpangalumbaba na lang. Nakaharap ang katawan n’ya sa ’kin at tinitigan ako.

I looked away and continued with my sketch, trying to ignore his brooding gaze. Trying to ignore his presence at all. Pero sobrang hirap lalo pa at amoy na amoy ko ang pabango n’ya.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko. Hindi na naalis sa isip ko ang nangyari noong huli kaming magkasama. Ramdam kong nag-iinit ang buong mukha ko sa alaalang ’yon.

“You’re blushing,” Killian whispered but I clearly heard it. The way he whispered sounded so sexy that made my body feel hot.

“Shut up,” I said, not looking at him. “You’re distracting me.”

He chuckled. But I guess he really liked making me suffer as he even leaned towards me and whispered something in my ear.

“You’re making me want to ravish those lips again, Irina… I will do it here but I know you wouldn’t want that so stop tempting me.”

Mabilis akong napalingon sa kanya na sana ay hindi ko ginawa dahil nagkalapit ang mga mukha namin. I could clearly smell his fresh breath and it was making my body feel hotter.

I saw something in his eyes. There was that fire again that I also saw in the dressmaking room before he kissed me. Kaya mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at yumuko.

Killian made another low chuckle. Hindi man lang lumayo. Instead, he even kissed me on the ear which made my body tremble.

“So gorgeous…” he whispered as he tucked some strands of my hair behind my ear.

I gritted my teeth. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Ang init-init na ng pakiramdam ko at ramdam ko ang pawis na namumuo sa noo ko.

Nang hindi ko na makayanan ay mabilis kong inayos ang gamit ko at tumayo. Both Killian and Annika looked up at me. Annika had confusion in her eyes but Killian had a smirk on his lips.

“I’ll just go back in the room,” I said mostly to Annika pero mabilis akong tumalikod at naglakad na palayo roon. I heard Annika calling for me but I didn’t look back. My knees were trembling but I managed to get outside the cafeteria.

Saka lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag. But there was that fear in me as I realized something.

The kiss was just fuel to the fire. As the tension between Killian and I became more intense.

It was much more intense that I knew there was no way I could get away from him now.

Chapter 10

It was good that I managed to finish my designs despite the constant distraction that Killian was giving me. Natapos ko ang tatlong designs which actually surprised me. My mind was full of ideas. Even my hands wouldn’t stop sketching the idea I had in my mind. Hindi ako nahirapang iguhit iyon na minsan ay nangyayari rin kapag wala ako sa mood.

I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it that fast as my mind was distracted. Even my whole body was distracted because of Killian. But for some reason, he somehow became my inspiration. Ginusto kong matapos nang maaga ang mga design dahil makitang suot n’ya ang mga gawa ko.

I finally admitted that I was excited to see him wearing my creations. And I was curious at the same time.

I didn’t have any problem with Annika as she finished her designs at the same time that I finished mine. So, we’re now here in the university library, checking each other’s works and exchanging suggestions for alterations before we finally start making the clothes.

And… Killian was with us as well.

Hindi ko talaga alam kung ano’ng trip nitong lalaking ’to. Akala mo napakaraming oras. Akala mo walang kailangang gawin, eh ang alam ko, kapag graduating student, sobrang magiging busy na talaga.

Pero si Killian, ibang-iba. Para pa nga ngang hindi s’ya estudyante kundi supervisor ng university na nag-o-observe lang ng klase. As if he didn’t have anything to do. Palagi pang nakadikit at nakasunod sa ’kin. Hindi na n’ya talaga ako nilubayan.

And because of that, a lot of students noticed how Killian was always with me. Hindi tuloy ako nilubayan ng tanong ng mga block mate ko. Kahit mga hindi ko kilala, tinatanong din ako. I know they already knew me as the daughter of the famous Catherin Della Morozova. Pero mas marami pang nakakakilala sa ’kin ngayon dahil sa paglapit-lapit sa ’kin ni Killian. They were asking what had been going on between him and me.

And I would always deny it. Wala naman talagang namamagitan sa ’ming dalawa ni Killian. I like him and yes, we kissed but I knew the rule for a man like him. He was a flirt, a playboy. I was so aware of how he played. Annika had already opened my mind about it.

There was still that effect he had on me that I think wouldn’t go away anymore. I also think I wouldn’t get used to it. Pero dahil laging nakadikit sa ’kin, natutunan ko na kung paano kontrolin iyon. Natutunan ko kung paano itago iyon at magpanggap na hindi na n’ya ako naapektuhan.

All I had to do was avoid looking him in the eyes because, for some reason, his eyes have the ability to rattle me.

Mabuti na lang at may excuse akong gawin ’yon. I was busy sketching when Annika suggested some alterations to my designs, which I agreed as it would make the design look better. May rason ako para hindi tingnan si Killian na nakaupo sa tabi ko at kanina pa hindi inaalis ang titig sa ’kin.

I know as I could feel his stares and I could also see him in the corner of my eyes. Nakapangalumbaba pa s’ya habang ang katawan n’ya ay nakaharap din sa ’kin. He was in that position for a while now.

He was sitting beside me while Annika was sitting across from us. Gulong-gulo ang concentration ko.

“Don’t you have anything to do today, Kill?” I heard Annika ask. Mukhang nagtaka na rin na nasa library din si Killian kasama namin kahit wala naman s’yang ginagawa.

“Nah. I’m all free today,” sabi ni Killian na hindi man lang gumalaw mula sa pagkakatitig sa ’kin.

“Aren’t you getting bored?”

I heard Killian chuckle at Annika’s question.

“Believe me. I’m so far from the person who’s bored right now.”

“I can see that,” Annika said with a giggle. Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko ay may kinalaman na sa ’kin ang usapan nila.

I looked at the man beside me. And there was that thought again every time I’ll look at him. That he’s the hottest and most handsome man I’ve ever seen. Kahit na nakaupo lang s’ya sa tabi ko, nakapangalumbaba at nakatitig sa ’kin habang may ngisi sa mga labi n’ya,ang gwapo-gwapo pa rin n’ya sa paningin ko.

“What about your supposedly training in the field?” I asked, trying to look as if I wasn’t affected by his gaze and presence at all. “Aren’t you supposed to be having your training now as a business management student?”

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit parang hindi yata seryoso ang lalaking ’to na maka-graduate. He was so… carefree. As if he was sure that he would be able to graduate without doing anything at all.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Irina,” sabi n’yang agad na nagpataas ng isang kilay ko. “I’ve been training in our family’s business ever since I was a child.”

Hindi ko pinahalata ang gulat ko. I think that was the first time that Killian shared something about his life. Ngayon ko lang din nalaman na may family business pala ang mga Romanov. Of course, knowing how rich they are, it shouldn’t be a surprise. But Killian confirmed it was still a shock to me.

Come to think of it, wala pala akong masyadong alam tungkol kay killian. I would only have ideas about him based on what I’ve heard, based on the stories that the students were talking about. Ayoko namang paniwalaan ang mga iyon since they were only word of mouth. Iba pa rin kung kay Killian mismo manggagaling.

I sighed. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t know much about him and yet, I let him kiss me.

But I know. It was because of the tension and force between us that I couldn’t resist. Na mas lalo pa ngang lumalala sa tuwing iniignora ko iyon.

“I’m done.”

Napatingin ako kay Annika nang magsalita n’ya. Iniaabot n’ya sa ’kin ang sketch pad n’ya kaya kinuha ko ’yon. I checked her designs. They look better now with the alterations and I’m satisfied with it.

Umusog palapit sa ’kin si Killian para makitingin sa sketch pad. He was so near to me that all I could smell was his cologne. All my senses were so aware of him.

“Well, that’s a lot of clothes in one design,” Killian commented. Nakita n’ya kasi kung ilang patong ng damit ang susuotin n’ya.

I frowned at him.

“Of course. It’s Fall Collection.”

Ngumisi lang si Killian. He didn’t even look offended even if the way I said it was as if it was common knowledge and he was an idiot for not being able to grasp the idea. I had forgotten that he wasn’t a fashion designer student. Ano nga ba’ng alam n’ya sa mga ginagawa namin?

“Then how will you explain this?”

He flipped the page of the sketch pad. Nahawakan n’ya pa nga ang daliri ko and it took me huge restrain not to give him any reaction when our skin touched. Pinanood ko lang ang paglilipat n’ya ng page ng sketch pad ni Annika hanggang sa makarating iyon sa pinaka-latest at nakita ko ang design na nandoon.

I looked at Annika without any emotion on my face. As if I had enough of her.

“Seriously, Annika?”

“What?” she asked innocently. Mukhang alam kung ano’ng design n’ya ang tinitingnan namin ni Killian ngayon kahit hindi namin ipakita sa kanya. “It’ll be a waste not to flaunt Killian’s body.”

I rolled my eyes. Kung hindi ko lang nakita ang tatlong maayos n’yang design, iisipin kong seryoso s’ya sa design na ’to.

Pa’no ba naman kasi, ’yung huling design na ginawa n’ya ay trench coat at pants lang ang isusuot ni Killian. Naka-open pa kaya magiging kitang-kita ang katawan ni Killian dahil walang magiging suot na pang-itaas. It was so contradicting sa theme ng collection na na-assign sa ’min.

Napailing na lang ako. Talagang nakahanap pa s’ya ng oras para maisingit i-sketch ang design na ’to, ha.

“You should read books,” sabi ko kay Killian. Suggesting what he should do instead of just staring at me.

“What?” he asked with a chuckle. Mukhang hindi makapaniwala s-in-uggest ko talaga ’yon sa kanya.

“You can read tips about modeling. How to pose and walk on the runway. We’re here in the library anyway.”

His shoulders shook as he laughed silently. Maya-maya ay tumingin ulit sa ’kin at napailing. His eyes looked amused.

“Unbelievable,” he even muttered.

I frowned at him. Iyon na naman s’ya. Nakatitig na naman sa ’kin. Mukhang walang umalis sa tabi ko o wala talaga s’yang planong tigilan ang pagtitig sa ’kin ngayon.

Actually, I suggested that for myself. Hindi ko na kasi matagal ang pakiramdam ng mabibigat n’yang mga titig. Ilang na ilang ako kahit pa sinusubukan kong umakto na parang wala lang. Na sanay na ako sa presensya n’ya when my knees felt like trembling right now.

I took a deep breath. Tumayo ako at napatingin sina Killian at Annika sa ’kin.

“Where are you going?” Annika asked.

“I’ll go get Killian a book to read. So, he’ll be able to do something useful instead of just annoying me with his stares,” I said.

Pareho silang natawa. I couldn’t believe that even my best friend was betraying me right now! I mean, ever since we had that talk, palagi n’ya akong inaasar kay Killian. Palagi s’yang umaaktong parang kinikilig sa ’ming dalawa kahit nasa harap namin ang lalaki which was damn every time dahil hindi na nga humihiwalay sa ’min si Killian maliban na lang kung may klase kami! But since all our profs gave us consideration for this fashion show hindi na rin kami nagkaroon pa ng klase.

Iniwan ko na silang dalawa sa table at pumunta sa mga bookshelf para maghanap ng libro na pwedeng mabasa ni Killian. Those who can give him tips on what he should do on a runway. Para naman may makahulugang bagay s’yang magawa ngayon.

I went to the fashion section. Medyo nahirapan pa nga akong maghanap dahil hindi ganoong karami ang libro tungkol sa fashion ang nandoon. I figured that I should look for fashion magazines instead dahil nandoon mostly ang mga kailangan namin kahit sa tips din sa modelling as they often interview runway models as well.

I was about to walk to the magazine section when I felt a hand that suddenly gripped my arm. Muntik na akong mapatili kung hindi lang tinakpan ng kung sino ang bibig ko, preventing me from making any noise. I was about to panic. Kung ano-ano nang senaryo ang pumasok agad sa isip ko kung hindi ko lang nalanghap kaagad ang pabango ng taong may hawak sa ’kin ngayon.

Pero imbes na kumalma, mas lalo lang yata akong nag-panic nang makita ang sobrang lapit na mukha ni Killian sa ’kin. Binitiwan n’ya ang braso ko at ipinaikot ang braso n’ya sa bewang ko habang ang isang kamay n’ya ay nakatakip pa rin sa bibig ko. My eyes widened with how near he was to me.

“Sshh… This is a library,” he playfully said as he walked us toward the back. Palikod ang naging lakad ko at nakaalalay lang si Killian sa ’kin hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang bookshelf sa likod ko.

Napakunot ang noo ko nang makabawi. I removed his hand that was covering my mouth but he didn’t relaease me.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked, hissing and almost in a whisper. The section where we are right now was isolated as the books here were old. Natatakot akong may makakita sa ’min at isipin pang may kakaiba kaming ginagawa rito.

But Killian smirked. And based on the glint I saw in his eyes; I knew he was planning on something wicked.

“I always wanted to do this in a library,” he whispered.

I frowned.

“What?”

Imbes na sagutin ang tanong ko, his thumb caressed my lower lip. I stiffened and almost shivered with how sensual he moved his thumb. Bahagyan n’yang idiniin ang daliri doon. The tip of his thumb was touching the inside of my upper lip. I also felt his finger grazing my teeth.

I inhaled a sharp breath when he held the side of my neck as he caressed my lips. Nagbago ang paraan ng paghawak n’ya. His hand was already grabbing my neck as if he wanted to bury his fingers in my skin possessively. To make me look only at him and not at anything else.

“What are you doing?” nanghihinang tanong ko. My hands were just on my sides. Wala kakong kaplano-planong patigilan s’ya sa kung ano’ng iniisip n’yuang gagawin sa ’kin.

“Doing what I wanted to do with you,” he said, barely a whisper.

And when he closed the distance of our face, wala na akong nagawa kundi ang ipikit na lang ang mga mata ko. I waited for his lips to touch mine. After all, I’ve also been hoping for this to happen again too.

I felt his soft lips softly brush mine. Napasinghap ako. I knew he was teasing me as he chuckled at my reaction. Didilat na sana ako at sisinghalan s’ya when he suddenly attacked my lips without any warning.

Napakapit ako sa mga braso n’ya dahil grabe rin ang naging atake sa ’kin ng sensayon nang muli kong maramdaman ang lambot ng mga labi n’ya. He was kissing me roughly. As if he wanted to get back to those times when he wasn’t able to kiss me as we didn’t get alone time together. Hindi ako makaahon sa lalim ng paghjalik n’ya sa ’kin. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe and I was feeling lightheaded.

But I didn’t have any plans to recover from this. I didn’t want to be saved. I didn’t want anyone to take this feeling away from me.

I tried to answer his kiss as he sucked on my lower lip. I let out a small whimper and I felt Killian smirk on my lips. Mas lalo pa n’yang pinalalim ang halik n’ya at mahigpit akong napahawak sa mga braso n’ya na para bang doon ako makakakuha ng suporta.

I felt my knees wobble with the sensation. My heart was thumping loudly and crazily against my chest. The air seemed to have become hot too. Pero wala akong planong patigilin si Killian sa paghalik n’ya sa ’kin.

Goodness. I knew it. I would be addicted to his kiss that even right now; I was already wishing I could kiss him again. All the time.

Mas hinapit pa ni Killian ang bewang ko palapit sa kanya. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him close to me. Nawalan na ako ng pakialam sa paligid. Nawalan na ako ng pakialam kung nasaan kami. All that i could think right now was Killian’s warm and soft lips against mine.

God… He kissed me roughly and sweetly at the same time. He was nibbling my lower lip. I also felt him trail the shape of my lips with his tongue. And there was nothing I could do but let out a moan.

When Killian ended the kiss, pakiramdam ko ay naubusan ako ng lakas. It was a good thing that he was holding me. Kasi kung hindi, baka kanina pa ako sumalampak sa sahig dahil nawalan na talaga ng lakas ang mga tuhod ko para tumayo.

His kiss was… everything. It was knee-melting. It was heart-melting. It was brain-melting. Kaya n’yang tunawin ang buong pagkatao ko sa paraan pa lang ng paghalik n’ya.

“It’s no use. I’m just getting addicted with your lips more and more,” bulong n’ya at pinagdikit ang mga noo namin. “Have you done something to me?”

It took me some time before I collected myself as I felt Killian caressing my sides which gave me goosebumps. Nang rumehistro sa ’kin ang tanong n’ya ay napasimangot ako.

“I haven’t done anything to you. It was you who had been so flirty if you’ve forgotten. You’re always touching me every time you have a chance.”

He chuckled playfully. Patuloy pa rin ang kamay n’ya sa paghaplos sa bewang ko.

“Then are you saying you’re getting addicted to my kiss too?”

My frown deepened.

“You really have a way to give my words different meanings, huh?”

Nang ngumis s’ya ay inirapan ko lang s’ya. Kumawala na ako sa kanya pero nakakaisang hakbang pa lang ako nang muli n’yang higitin ako sa bewang. This time, he was the one leaning on the bookshelf habang nakasandal naman ang likod ko sa katawan n’ya. He hugged me from behind.

“Let’s stay like this for a while,” he whispered as he buried his face in my hair and inhaled my scent.

“Annika is waiting for us,” I said trying to ignore the sensation as he caressed my tummy this time.

“Let her. She’s always with you anyway. This is the only time I got to be alone with you.”

Napangiti ako. Hindi ko na iyon napigilan dahil hindi n’ya naman nakikita.

“Of course. She’s my best friend. And we have our fashion show to take care of.”

“I know… But there’s nothing wrong with taking a rest for a while. You’re doing great anyway.”

Mas lumawak ang ngiti ko. Hinayaan ko na ang buong katawan ko na sumandal sa kanya. Mas humigpit ang pagkakayakap n’ya sa bewang n’ya.

“And… I know you don’t want me to kiss you in front of her. So, let me enjoy this borrowed time.”

I lightly jabbed him on his stomach with my elbow which made him laugh. He even pulled me close to him and buried his face in my neck.

“I’m looking forward to wearing your creations,” he said. His voice mumbled against my skin. Nakikiliti ako dahil ramdam na ramdam ko ang paggalaw ng mga labi n’ya sa balat ko.

“I feel the same,” I said in a whisper.

“I’ll let you take my clothes off as well. I’m already under your mercy, love…”

Expect Killian to always say flirty lines every damn time.

His phone rang. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang marinig iyon sa buong library dahil tahimik na tahimik ang paligid. Sinubukan kong kumawala sa kanya sa takot na baka may pumunta sa kung nasaan kami at sawayin s’ya sa pagtunog ng phone n’ya but Killian didn’t let me go. He took his phone and answered the call with his one arm still wrapped around my waist.

“Yes, boss?” I heard him say when he answered the call. “Alright. I’ll be there in a jiffy.”

Tinapos n’ya ang tawag at pinakawalan na rin ako. But he held me on the wrist this time.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

Tinawag n’yang boss ang tumawag sa kanya. Hindi kaya nagte-training naman talaga s’ya at iyon ang tumawag sa kanya dahil kailangan n’ya nang magtrabaho?

“Serj,” maikling sagot ni Killian habang ibinabalik sa bulsa ang phone n’ya.

I frowned.

“But why did you call him boss?”

“Because he is my boss.”

Mas lalo lang akong naguluhan.

“I don’t understand.”

Killian just smirked at me. Umayos na s’ya ng tayo. He stared at me before he tucked some strands of my hair behind my ears.

“C’mon. Let’s go back to your friend.”

Tumango lang ako. He was still holding my hand when he started walking. Napatingin ako sa mga kamay naming magkahawak bago napangiti.

Chapter 11

I was busy snipping the excess stitch on the knit sweater I just finished sewing. Nang matapos ay binaliktad ko ang damit, checking if I missed snipping some earlier. When I was sure that everything was okay, I couldn’t stop the smile that crept on my lips.

I shook the thread off the shirt and stared at the finished product. It was a deep green sweater. I already imagined Killian wearing this at mas lumawak lang ang ngiti ko. I am so sure he’ll look good in this.

I set it aside and took my planner. I marked my second design as done and checked my other plans and schedule. Nakita ko tuloy ang pulang marka roon, indicating that it was an important day two weeks from now.

Napatitig ako sa date na ’yon. That’s my grandmother’s birthday. The one who raised me up in the Philippines. ’Yung taong nagpalaki sa ’kin at nakasama ko sa mga panahong wala si Mommy noon at nandito sa Russia as it was the peak of her career.

It was my grandmother who took care of me back in the Philippines bago ako kinuha ni Mommy at dito na nanirahan sa Russia. After that, I never saw my grandmother again in person. Hindi na ako hinayaan ni mommy na makita ulit si Lola nang personal. She also limited the time I could talk with her, even on video calls or chats.

It will be her birthday two weeks from now. At this time, my mother would allow me to talk with her all day through a video call. But I wanted more than that. I want to see my grandmother again. I wanted to greet her in person, hug her, and feel her warmth again.

But I know I shouldn’t even mention it to my mom. I couldn’t. I couldn’t hurt her. Whenever I talked about my grandmother, I could see that mom looked hurt. She looked worried and scared. At ayokong makita ang mga expression na ’yon sa mukha n’ya.

Kaya nga kahit gustong-gusto kong pumunta ng Pilipinas para muling makita si Lola, hindi ko magawa. Hindi ako pwedeng magbanggit sa ng tungkol sa kagustuhan kong ’yon. Mom wouldn’t like it and dad might get mad at me if I hurt mom because of it.

I sighed as I put down the sweater on the work table. I finally got to finish making my second design. Pwede ko na ring simulang gawin ang last design ko mamaya para sa Monday ay pwede nang isukat ni Killian ang mga damit. So, I would only focus on the adjustments and alterations if there’s any needed.

I felt so proud of myself as I finished the two designs earlier than my plan. Hindi ko naman inaasahan na matatapos ko iyon agad. But it was better this way kaysa naman maubusan pa ako ng oras at mag-cramming. I didn’t want to fail on my finals.

But I couldn’t feel the entire happiness right now. Inaalala ko pa rin kasi ang birthday ni Lola at ang kagustuhan kong makita s’ya. I wasn’t always satisfied when I was greeting her through video call. Tapos ang regalo ko pa para sa kanya ay ipinapadala na lang sa Pilipinas.

Pero this time, gusto ko talagang makita si Lola. I don’t know. I feel… scared. She’s getting older. Natatakot akong isang araw ay mahuli na ang lahat. Natatakot akong hindi na magkaroon ng tyansang makita s’ya ulit.

I shivered with that thought. Damn it. I should celebrate instead of getting anxious dahil nga matatapos ko na ang mga design ko! Ipinilig ko na lang ang ulo ko para mawala ang nakakatakot na ideyang ’yon sa isip ko bago ko inayos ang natapos na sweater at nagsimula na sa paggawa sa pangatlong design.

It would be better if I’ll get myself busy. Kung ano-ano kasi ang naiisip ko.

Mas nauna kong natapos tahiin ang mga design ko kaysa kay Annika. She was making her last design when I told her that we could meet Killian for the fitting so she suggested that I do it first so she wouldn’t hold me back just in case.

Nag-alangan pa nga ako noong una. Pinag-isipan ko pa kung hihintayin ko na lang din s’yang matapos at magsabay na lang ang fitting ng mga gawa namin kay Killian. Bigla ko kasing naisip na mapag-iisa na naman kami ni Killian kung sakali. And I couldn’t help but worry he might do something that was bad for my heart and concentration again.

Noon ngang kasama ko si Annika and even when we were in the university’s library, he still managed to find a way to kiss me. Paano pa kaya kung mapag-solo na naman kami? Baka kung saan na umabot ang halik n’ya.

And it wouldn’t be impossible because, for the love of God, I couldn’t really resist his advances. And I know, even from now, that he would be able to do whatever he wanted to do with me.

This, whatever was happening between us, I knew that it was getting more and more dangerous for me. I should guard my heart because I know men like Killian. This was just a game for them.

At alam kong kailangan kong umiwas because it wasn’t my thing. But I already did it before, I really did try staying away from him but I just couldn’t fight the force between us that seemed to be pulling me even closer to him. So, the least I could do was guard my heart. Hindi na dapat pang lumalim ang kung anumang nararamdaman ko ngayon sa kanya.

That’s why now that we were the only ones here in the dressmaking room for his fitting, I refuse to look him in the eyes. Hirap na hirap akong ’wag masalubong ang mga tingin n’ya. It was obvious he was trying to catch my eyes. But I was dodging it and trying to look everywhere except his eyes.

Because I know, once I stared at those deep green orbs again, my defenses would break again.

I groaned inwardly. Damn it. Sabi na, eh. This was a bad idea. Bakit kasi pumayag akong hindi na lang kami nagsabay ni Annika para sa fitting ng designs namin for Killian? Hirap na hirap tuloy ako ngayon.

“Try this sweater first,” I said and showed him the sweater that was included on my second design.

Naglakad ako palapit kay Killian. Nakatayo s’ya doon sa harap, ang balakang ay nakasandal sa prof’s table habang nakahalukipkip at pinapanood ang bawat kilos ko kanina pa.

I was just staring at the green sweater as I walked toward him, pretending that I was checking it for mistakes. But as I stared at the sweater, I realized that it almost has the same color as his eyes.

Hindi ko tuloy mapigilan ang mapangiti. Maybe I was unconsciously thinking of them when I chose the color. I could already imagine that it would emphasize his eyes when he wore it and walked on the runway as the lights shine in the background.

“I could accept you not looking in my eyes as long as I would see that smile of yours. It makes you even more gorgeous and I wouldn’t be able to look away.”

Huli na nang maalala kong hindi ko pala s’ya dapat tingnan sa mga mata. Nakalimutan ko ang goal ko dahil sa mga sinabi n’ya. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay dumiretso agad iyon sa mga mata n’ya.

I found him staring at me with an emotion in his eyes that I couldn’t name. The corner of his lips was slightly curved upward. Tuluyang naging ngiti iyon nang sa wakas ay magsalubong ang mga tingin namin. As if he had been waiting for that to happen since this morning.

“There she is…” he softly said.

Pinamulahan ako ng mukha. I know I was blushing so hard right now as I could feel my face heating up. Tinakpan ko ang kalahati ng mukha ko gamit ang sweater na hawak ko na ikinatawa ni Killian.

“Shut up,” sabi kong kulang naman sa conviction. Baka wala pa kaming matapos kung lalandiin na naman ako ni Killian.

Killian just grinned at me. Mukha s’yang aliw na aliw sa pamumula ko ngayon.

“At least you’re now looking at me,” he said.

I rolled my eyes at him. Iniabot ko na sa kanya ang sweater na kinuha n’ya naman.

“Try that first. Tell me if the fitting is tight or a bit loose.” Hindi ko naitago ang pag-aalala ko dahil sa fitting pa naman ang pinakanapunang mali sa akin noon. “Although I made sure to follow your measurement accurately.”

“I saw how hardworking you are so I’m sure this is perfect.”

Sinimangutan ko s’ya kahit na ang gustong gawin ng mga labi ko ay ngumiti. He sounded so confident about that. Parang s’ya pa ang mas may tiwala sa gawa ko kaysa sa ’kin. And that made me happy.

“Just try it on and we’ll see about that.”

Tumalikod ako at lumapit sa long table kung saan nakapatong ang bag ko para hindi makita ang paghuhubad n’ya ng button down top n’ya. Baka sabihin pang pinapanood ko s’ya at kung anong sabihin na naman.

Pero nang hindi pa ako makarinig nang pagkilos mula sa kanya matapos ng ilang minuto ay lumingon ulit ako sa kanya. I immediately frowned when I saw him still in the same position as earlier. Mukhang hindi man lang s’ya gumalaw sa pwesto n’ya at talagang nakatingin lang sa ’kin!

“What are you waiting for? Take off your top and try the sweater on!” naiinis kong sabi. “Or are you waiting for me to take your clothes off for you?”

I said the last one out of annoyance. Nainis kasi ako nang mukhang wala talaga s’yang planong gumalaw kahit nang sabihin kong isukat na n’ya ang sweater. But as soon as I saw his lips curved into a knowing smirk, I realized I shouldn’t have said that.

“Yes, please,” the asshole even said!

Ang landi talaga!

I glared at him. Natawa s’ya at tumayo. Nag-panic ako nang lumakad s’ya palapit sa ’kin nang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa mukha ko. Napaatras pa nga ako ng isang hakbang at ramdam ko ang pagbangga ng likod ko sa long table.

But Killian showed me some mercy. Tumayo s’ya sa tabi ko. He leaned his hips on the long table, almost sitting on it as he was tall and had long legs. He put down the sweater on the table and put his hands inside the pocket of his pants.

“I was just trying to get some reaction from you. I see in your eyes there’s something that’s bothering you,” he said. Nawala na ang pilyong ngisi n’ya kanina. “Tell me, what’s bothering you, hmm?”

“What?” I even frowned in confusion, totally not getting what he meant.

He took a deep breath. His hand reached out and held me gently on my wrist. Marahan n’ya akong hinila paharap at napahakbang din ako palapit sa kanya.

“You’re worrying about something. I was thinking if it was about your design but I noticed it is more than that.”

Noong una ay nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. I stared at his eyes as they somehow gave me comfort despite the loud thumping of my heart inside my chest. I also felt his thumb lightly caressing my wrist as if he was trying to calm me but it was giving me the opposite feeling.

Kaya nanatili na lang ang tingin ko sa mga mata n’ya. Kahit na alam kong kung minsan ang mga iyon ang nagpapakaba sa ’kin, I would admit that I really like looking in his eyes.

Pero nang sa wakas ay maintindihan ko ang ipinupunto n’ya, napamaang ako sa kanya. Hindi kasi ako makapaniwalang napansin n’ya iyon!

“How did you…” I trailed off.

I mean what the hell? Ang lakas naman ng pakiramdaman n’ya? I already knew that he was observant but not to this point! I tried too hard to get it off my mind as soon as I entered the room but he still somehow noticed it!

Napansin n’yang may pinoproblema ako. Napansin n’yang may gumugulo sa isip ko. Hindi ko alam kung ganoon ba talaga kahalata sa ’kin o malakas lang talaga ang pakiramdam n’ya.

“You’re gorgeous, love…” he said. “So gorgeous that a slight negative emotion is so obvious in your eyes. And I hate seeing it.”

Napaawang ang mga labi ko. Palagi iyong sinasabi sa ’kin ni Killian kapag nagkakasama kami. That I am gorgeous. I always thought that it was just one of his flirty lines but now… parang gusto kong paniwalaan na ganoon nga ang tingin n’ya sa ’kin.

His eyes roamed around my face before they settled on my parted lips. I saw how his eyes dilated as he stared at them. He even clenched his jaw. Parang may gusto s’yang gawin at pinipigilan lang.

Pero nang tingnan n’ya ang mga mata ko ay agad na nawala ang emosyong iyon sa mga mata n’ya na para bang hindi n’ya nagustuhan ang nakikita sa ’kin.

“Tell me what’s bothering you, Irina…” he said in a tone that told me I didn’t have any choice. “It’s affecting me too.”

I gulped. Ayoko. Iyon talaga ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. I didn’t want to tell him as it would deepen our relationship. Baka mas lumalim din ang pagkagusto ko sa kanya. I shouldn’t tell him if I wanted not to get hurt in the end.

But… as I looked into his eyes, it proved to me how much I am powerless in front of this man. That even if I wanted to, I couldn’t really resist him.

“It’s… my grandmother,” mahinang sabi ko pero alam kong narinig n’ya. I couldn’t believe I’m telling this to him. “It will be her birthday soon and… I want to see her.”

He frowned.

“What’s the problem then?”

Nag-alangan pa ako at napayuko na lang. Pero nang makita ni Killian iyon ay muli kong naramdaman ang paghaplos n’ya sa pulushan ko. He pulled me closer to him at wala kong nagawa kundi ang humakbang palapit sa kanya. He parted his legs and placed me between them na para bang ayaw n’ya akong patakasin hangga’t hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya ang problema ko.

He was almost sitting on the table and I was standing in front of him but he was still taller than me. He crouched down. Sinisilip n’ya ang mukha ko at hinuhuli na naman ang tingin ko.

“C’mon… You can tell me.”

I looked at him and once again, I was weak at his stares.

“I have to ask my parents first because she’s not here in Russia. But I already know they wouldn’t let me see her. It would…” I sighed. “It would hurt my mom.”

“But you haven’t asked them about it yet?”

Helpless akong napabuntong-hininga.

“They still wouldn’t let me, Killian. I’m sure of that.”

He nodded as if he really understood what I meant before he stared at me.

“Then… Is it okay if you don’t see your grandmother on her birthday instead of taking the chance by simply asking your parents?”

Natigilan ako. I was really sure my parents wouldn’t let me see my grandmother. Hindi nila papupuntahin dito sa Russian si Lola. Ayaw din naman kasi ni Lola. Pero mas lalong hindi nila ako hahayaang pumunta ng Pilipinas.

Pero dahil sa sinabi ni Killian, naisip ko rin na… pa’no nga kaya kung magbago ngayon.

I groaned. Napasimangot ako kay Killian.

“Please, don’t do this to me.”

He chuckled. He pulled me closer so he could cage me in his arms. Pumulupot ang braso n’ya sa bewang ko at pinagsiklop ang mga kamay n’ya sa likod ko. Now, I can’t go anywhere even if I want to.

“It’s better to ask them, Irina. So, you won’t have any regrets, just in case.”

I considered his advice. I know that was still the best option. Paano nga naman kung this time, pumayag na si Mommy na makita ko in person si Lola?

I should take a chance, right? Especially that my grandmother is getting older. Kaysa naman sa dumating pa ang panahon na mawalan na talaga ako ng chance na makita s’ya.

“What if they still won’t let me?” I told him my worry. “It will hurt me, Killian.”

He stared at me. Ilang sandali n’yang tinitigan ang mukha ko na para bang kinakabisa ang bawat parte roon. Then he tucked the loose strand of my hair behind my ears.

“Just come to me then, love. I’ll make you forget your pain.”

Those were good words but knowing him, alam kong may iba na naman s’yang pakahulugan doon. Sinimuangutan ko s’ya at hinampas sa balikat na ikinatawa n’ya naman. That proved to me that he really meant differently with those words.

But I still fought the urge to smile. Somehow… those words still comforted me. Para bang kaya n’ya ngang pawiin ang sakit na mararamdaman ko kapag nangyari ’yon.

“Just try the sweater on, will you now?”

He chuckled before he gave me a sly smirk.

“I told you, take off my clothes yourself, Irina.”

Nabwisit na talaga ’ko sa kalandian n’ya at malakas nang hinampas ang balikat n’ya. Napadaing s’ya pero alam ko namang hindi ko talaga s’ya nasaktan. Mas nasaktan pa nga ang kamay ko dahil matigas ang muscles n’ya!

Thankfully, he started unbuttoning his shirt. I should look away pero hindi na ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na lumayo at nanatili lang sa pwesto ko nang masulyapan ko ang tattoo sa balat n’ya.

I was already sure it was the body of a snake that I saw last time. Pero napatunayan ko iyon ngayong tuluyan na n’yang hinubad ang polo n’ya.

The snake made its way to his chest, the part just below his right collarbone. It had its mouth open and its forked tongue bared as if it was angry and ready to strike. I could only see one side of its head as it looked like it was looking at something on Killian’s left arm.

Tinignan ko ang kabuuan ng tattoo n’ya sa kanang braso. I was right. It was a skull tattooed on his right forearm. Its angle turned slightly to the right but I could still see both of its eye sockets.

The snake’s tail was curled. Pumasok sa bibig ng bungo ang katawan ng ahas. The snake made its way out of the skull’s right eye socket and curled its body again before it extended onto Killian’s chest.

I also noticed that the skull and snake were on fire. I saw some flares make their way out of the left socket of the skull.

I looked at the tattoo on Killian’s left forearm this time. It was a Phoenix tattoo. Sakop noon ang kabuuan ng harap ng braso n’ya. The Phoenix looked like it was on the verge of catching its prey. Its beak was slightly open as if making out a predator cry before snatching its prey.

Napaawang ang mga labi ko habang palipat-lipat ang tingin sa magkabilang tattoo ni Killian. The snake looked like it was looking at the Phoenix but the bird didn’t pay it any attention and was only focusing on catching its prey below him.

Killian’s tattoos were only in black but they looked… alive. It looked cool. Whoever the artist was really good.

My hand reached for the snake’s head tattooed on his chest. Bahagya ko iyong hinaplos na para bang mapapakalma ko ang galit noon. I heard Killian take a deep breath as I felt the warmth of his skin on my fingertips.

“It’s beautiful…” I mumbled. Tiningnan ko si Killian at nakita kong nakatitig s’ya sa ’kin. There was fire in his eyes as he stared intently at me.

“You’re the most beautiful,” anas n’ya. I gulped at how he said it. It sounded… sensual.

Ang isang kamay n’ya ay pumatong sa bewang ko habang ang isa ay umabot sa leeg ko. His thumb caressed my cheek as his other hand caressed the curve of my waist. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko dahil sa sensasyong dinudulot sa ’kin ng mga haplos n’ya.

Ang mga kamay ko ay napahawak na sa balikat n’ya. Now that I could directly feel his warmth on my palm, it was a wonder how I still managed to stand in front of him despite my knees feeling wobbly. I think I would get addicted to the feeling of his skin on my palms.

I stared at his glorious body. I already know he had a ripped body despite his clothes, pero ngayong wala s’yang pang-itaas ay kitang-kita ko kung gaano kalapad ang dibdib at mga balikat n’ya. He had six-pack abs and I had that urge to run my fingertips on the contours of his abs.

Pero bago ko pa magawa ’yon, narinig ko ang malutong na pagmumura ni Killian. I looked at him again and I saw desire in his eyes. I knew I mirrored his expression kaya naman hindi na s’ya nag-aksaya ng sandali at mabilis na pinaglapat ang mga labi namin.

I automatically answered his kiss as if it was the right thing to do. Na para bang sanay na sanay na akong halikan s’ya pero ang pakiramdam naman ay ibang-iba pa rin. The feeling was always different each time he kissed me. It was just becoming more and more intense. More and more addicting. More and more sensual.

I kissed him the way he was kissing me. Maalab. Marahas. Mariin. Para bang matagal kaming nagkahiwalay at ngayon lang nagkita kaya sabik na sabik sa labi ng bawat isa. I locked away all my inhibition and just did what I really wanted.

I moaned when Killian inserted his tongue inside my mouth. Hindi ako nagpatalo. Sinalubong ko ang dila n’ya and I was awarded with his sexy groan. He squeezed my waist before he pulled my body to him. Pumaikot na ang mga braso ko sa balikat n’ya at pinaglapat ang mga katawan namin gaya ng gusto n’ya.

Our tongues played as he also sucked my lips. He nibbled on my lower lip that made my breathing hitch before he thrust his tongue inside my mouth again and tasted every corner.

“Fuck,” he hissed against my lips.

Ang init-init ng pakiramdam ko. Pero ganoon din ang nararamdaman ko sa katawan ni Killian. His body was hot as well against my skin. Sa kaalamang ako ang dahilan noon ay mas lalo pa akong nalasing sa mga halik n’ya.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan nangyaring napagpalit n’ya ang pwesto namin. He laid me down on the long table as he positioned himself on top of me, between my legs, without even breaking the kiss. I locked my legs behind him, not giving him the chance to move away as I was already drunk with his kiss. I never wanted this to end.

Ang mga kamay ni Killian ay nanghas na humaplos sa katawan ko. He caressed my curves, squeezing it with a groan na para bang nanggigigil. Napasabunot ang mga kamay ko sa buhok n’ya nang bumaba pa ang halik n’ya sa leeg ko.

I let out a whimper mixed with a moan when I felt him lick the length of my neck. I shivered with the sensation. Mas lalo pang nag-init ang katawan ko. I was already panting. Hindi na sapat ang nakukuha kong hangin kaya sa bibig na ako humihinga.

“Killian…”

I felt his hand cup one of my breasts and squeezed it which made my body tremble. Mas humigpit ang pagkakasabunot ko sa buhok n’ya. I heard him let out another curse as he bit the hollow part of my neck as a punishment for the pain that I gave him when I pulled his hair hard.

“Holy… shit,” I whimpered as Killian licked the sting away where he bit me.

Binalikan n’ya ang mga labi ko. He kissed me harshly but I didn’t mind. I even tasted the blood when he bit my lower lip. Ang kamay n’yang humahaplos sa dibdib ko ay umangat papunta sa leeg ko. He wrapped his fingers around my neck and I just let him do it.

But before he could put pressure on his fingers, he heard the door of the room open. Mabilis kong inihiwalay ang mga labi ko kay Killian kasabay nang panlalaki ng mga mata ko. Pakiramdam ko ay binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig.

Someone saw us!

“Oh, shit! I’m sorry!” It was a guy.

Hindi ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong makita kung sino iyon dahil hindi man lang gumalaw si Killian sa ibabaw ko. But when he did, he firmly held the back of my head, hugging me, and buried my face on his chest as he straightened his body. As if he was making sure that the guy wouldn’t see my face. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang mapaupo na rin kasabay ng pagtayo n’ya. Nakatalikod pa rin s’ya sa pintuan.

Napakapit ako sa mga braso ni Killian. My hands were trembling because of what just happened and because of the fact that someone just caught us making out. Ibinaon ko na rin ang mukha ko sa hubad pang dibdib ni Killian. Ramdam ko pa ang pamamaga ng mga labi ko.

“What the fuck are you still doing here? You want to watch?” marahas na tanong ni Killian nang hindi pa rin umalis ang lalaki. He used Russian so the anger in his voice was more intense.

“Oh… Sorry.” Ang sunod kong narinig ay ang pagsasara ng pinto.

“God…” I let out in frustration.

Killian caressed my back as if he was soothing me.

“It’s okay… He didn’t see you,” sabi n’ya pero hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong kumalma roon.

May nakakita lang naman sa ’min! For sure this will be a topic again as the students really love talking about Killian! Especially now that someone caught him making out inside the school premises!

Goodness. What have I done?

“He didn’t?” tanong ko pa rin kay Killian.

“Yeah… He didn’t. I don’t want anyone else to see your erotic face.”

Hinampas ko ang likod n’ya. I felt his body shake as he chuckled. Hinagkan n’ya ang tuktok ng ulo ko.

“You’re safe with me… I promise.”

I smiled at that. Kuntento akong napapikit ng mga mata habang unti-unti ring kumakalma.

Chapter 12

There were still some adjustments that were needed for the designs that I made. Inaasahan ko na rin namang hindi magiging perfect ang gawa ko lalo pa at sa fitting nga ang madalas kong mali noon. Still, I couldn’t stop the disappointment that I felt.

I did my best following Killian’s measurements but for some reason, there were still some mistakes in the finished product. Hindi ko alam kung saang part ba ako nagkakamali. Kung habang tinatahi ko ba or sa cutting pa lang talaga ng fabric.

God… I so want to perfect making clothes. Like that thing where there wouldn’t be any alterations needed as I already got everything on the first try. Hindi katulad ngayon na halos lahat ay kailangan ng adjustments dahil hindi ko nakuha ng tama ang fitting. And it was making me feel more frustrated the longer I stared at the list of things that needed fixing on the designs that I made.

I twirled the pen I was holding with my fingers. Kanina pa ako nakatitig sa notepad kong pinaglistahan ko ng mga dapat pang ayusin. Almost every item of clothing had something that needed fixing.

Mabuti na lang pala at maaga kong natapos ang mga ’to. Mabuti na lang din at pumayag akong ngayon na isukat ni Killian ang mga damit.

And thankfully as well, we managed to finish the fitting today despite Killian’s temptations.

Although I wasn’t sure what I preferred. Kung ang ma-frustrate ba dahil sa distractions na ginagawa sa ’kin ni Killian o ang ma-frustrate na malamang maraming mali sa ginawa ko kaya marami rin akong kailangang ayusin.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako.

“What’s wrong?” tanong ni Killian na nasa likuran ko.

He’s literally behind me. He was sitting on the chair and he made me sit on his lap. Ramdam na ramdam ko s’ya sa likuran ko. Whenever I would lean toward the table just to look at my notepad, he would pull me back to his body as if he didn’t want any distance between us. Nakapulupot ang mga braso n’ya sa bewang ko at ang likod ko ay nakasandal sa malapad n’yang dibdib.

And I will admit, it felt really good. It was as if he was comforting me from the frustration I was feeling right now. Nababawasan tuloy ang nararamdaman kong disappointment sa sarili ko dahil sa presensya n’ya.

Nahiya pa nga ako nang paupuin n’ya ako sa mga hita n’ya kanina. After what happened when someone caught us making out in this room, iniiwasan kong magdikit ulit ang mga balat namin. Na hindi naman nangyari dahil kinailangan ko ulit kunin ang sukat n’ya para sa adjustments na gagawin ko.

And who am I kidding? I already admitted to myself that I like touching him. I like kissing him. I like whatever thing that’s happening between us.

I really like Killian.

Mabuti na nga lang at wala na ulit nagtangkang pumasok sa room kung hindi ay makikita na naman kami ni Killian sa ganitong posisyon. Makikita nila na ako ang kasama n’ya kaya malamang din, malalaman nila na ako rin ang kahalikan n’ya kanina.

And the last thing that I wanted was to be in a rumor with Killian that someone caught us making out.

Pero hindi naman kasi rumor ’yon if it was true.

Oh, for the love of Christ…

“I need to do lots of adjustments,” I said. Bahagya ko s’yang nilingon sa likuran ko.

“Let me see,” he said.

I leaned forward on the table to give him space so he could see the notepad. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng pagkakapulupot ng mga braso n’ya sa bewang ko, mukhang ayaw talagang mahiwalay ang katawan ko sa kanya.

But in the end, he leaned forward as well as he might’ve realized I wasn’t planning to take the notepad for him to see. Muli kong naramdaman ang dibdib n’ya sa likuran ko. I almost sighed with how comfortable I feel in his arms.

He planted a kiss on my shoulder before leaning his chin on it. I smiled at the gesture. I could really feel the warmth of his body and it was so comforting.

“I’m sure you can pull it off,” sabi ni Killian matapos makita ang listahan ng mga kailangan kong ayusin.

I scrunched my nose. Hindi man lang talaga d-in-eny na hindi naman ganoon karami ang mga aayusin ko. That means that he also thought there were a lot on my list.

Napalabi ako.

“I couldn’t perfect them.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t.”

Napalayo ako sa kanya at nilingon s’yang nasa likuran ko. I just couldn’t believe he seconded that! Hindi man lang sinubukang pagaanin ’yung loob ko, eh frustrated na nga ako rito dahil sa rami ng kailangan kong ayusin!

May pasabi-sabi pa s’yang he’s sure I can pull it off tapos biglang of course, I wouldn’t perfect the design?

“Thank you for your kind words,” sarkastikong sabi ko.

Killian chuckled. Natatawang hinigit n’ya ulit ako pasandal sa dibdib n’ya.

“What I mean is— Wait, love, listen to me first,” natatawang sabi n’ya nang subukan kong lumayo ulit sa kanya but he just tightened his strong arms around my waist. “What I mean is, of course, you wouldn’t be able to perfect it for now. You’re still learning, and I know there’s a lot more for you to learn. You just have to be patient, don’t rush, and take things one at a time.”

Tumigil ako sa tangkang paglayo sa kanya. He gave me another kiss on my shoulder as a reward for my submission. I felt his hand caressing my tummy like he was trying to calm me down.

“But I know you’ll improve. Watching how hardworking and serious you are with what you’re doing, I’m sure it’ll happen soon,” he said. “So, don’t be too hard on yourself, hmm? Give yourself some credit.”

I pouted my lips to stop smiling widely. Pero hindi ko rin naman napigilan ang malawak na pagngiti.

Killian was so good with his words. Hindi ko lang mapaniwalaan na ang isang kagaya n’ya ay kayang magsalita ng ganoon. I mean, he looked ruthless. Parang wala s’yang alam ibang gawin kundi ang pagiging marahas sa anumang bagay. So, him telling me those words was a surprise.

If this was one of his tactics to get any woman he wanted, well, it’s working really well.

“It’s annoying,” I said.

“Hmm?” I could imagine him raising an eyebrow at me. “What now?”

“It’s annoying how it seems like you know everything about me to know the right words to say yet I don’t much about you.”

He chuckled. Muli n’yang hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa bewang ko at bahagyang napaangat ang mga paa ko sa sahig. He buried his face on the crooked of my neck and sniffed my scent.

“Well, for the record, miss, I only know how you’re the most beautiful in my eyes and I want to do anything to make you feel better,” he said and I could feel his lips moving against my skin as he spoke.

He nuzzled the length of my neck with his nose which made me giggle. Nakakakiliti kasi. Naramdaman ko ang pagtawa n’ya bago hinalikan ang leeg ko.

“And… I’m willing to tell you anything you want to know about me. If you’d ask me.”

“Really?” I asked with my head turned to the side as I couldn’t look at him fully. And with that angle, he could freely kiss me on the cheek which he actually did.

“Uh-huh…” He breathed in my hair.

“Then… There’s something I’ve been curious about.” Isinandal ko at buong bigat ko sa kanya.

“What is it?”

“Why aren’t out there training in the field related to your course?” I asked. “That’s one of the requirements before graduating, right?”

He let out a soft chuckle.

“Yes, and I told you that our family has our own business. They’ve been training me since I was a child so there’s nothing left for me to learn. That’s why Serj and I didn’t have to do that requirement.”

“Oh, okay…” sabi kong napatango-tango. “Serj’s your boss, right?”

“Yes. Because he’s the heir. The next leader,” dugtong n’ya nang mapagtanto kung para saan talaga ang tanong ko.

“And your professor’s okay with you both not training anymore? Isn’t there supposed to be an evaluation from your trainer?”

He shrugged.

“They’re fine with it. I guess they know about our business. In fact, they were the ones who suggested that we no longer need to train.”

Napatango-tango ako.

“So, that’s why you’ve been going around the campus like you have so much free time when you’re a graduating student.”

“Yeah,” he said with a chuckle. “And that’s also why I accepted the offer of being your model. I have so much time to kill.”

“Hmm…” I hummed playfully. “We’re lucky that you don’t need to have your field training, then.”

“Hmm…” he mimicked my playful tone. “You think so?”

I giggled when he nibbled that ticklish part of my neck. Natatawang sinubukan kong lumayo sa kanya pero hindi ko naman nagawa dahil hinigpitan n’ya ang mga braso n’ya sa bewang ko. I felt him smirking on my skin as I tried to get away from him pero hindi n’ya naman tinigilan ang pangingiliti sa leeg ko.

“Killian!” saway kong itinulak palayo ang mukha n’ya sa leeg ko.

“Alright, alright,” he said. Tinigilan na sa wakas ang ginagawa at muli akong hinapit palapit sa kanya. “Do you still have any more questions, miss?”

Muli akong natawa sa paraan ng pagtatanong n’ya. I squinted my eyes with a playful smile on my lips. Kunwari ay nag-iisip ako pero maya-maya ay umiling na rin.

“No, sir. I do not have any questions in the meantime.”

He groaned as if I just said something that set him on edge. He bit my neck this time and the sting made me gasp. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay bumitiw sa bewang ko para ipunin ang buhok ko sa likod. He grabbed my hair and forcefully turned my head to the side until he could reach my lips.

“Then, in the meantime, stop talking, and let’s kiss,” he said on my lips before fully claiming them.

A laugh escaped from me but it died down when Killian gave me a hot kiss. Naging ungol ang pagtawa ko bago ko sinubukang tugunin ang halik n’ya. And it was the same as before, Killian kissed me harshly as if he wanted to devour my lips.

I moaned as I held on to his arm which was still wrapped around my waist. I could feel his muscles flexing with restraint as he pulled me closer to his body. Maging ako ay hindi rin nakuntento at mas gusto pang mapalapit sa kanya.

So, I moved my body closer to him, pushing my weight with my feet as I did so. Narinig ko pa ang pag-urong ng upuan dahil sa naging galaw ko. Killian groaned in my mouth and kissed me harder. Halos mamanhid na ang mga labi ko sa paraan ng paghalik n’ya.

But I didn’t mind. Ang isang kamay ko ay umangat pa at sumabunot sa buhok n’ya. I pulled his head closer and deepened the kiss more.

And right then, I realized that Killian is my favorite distraction.

His phone rang. I knew it was his as it wasn’t my ringtone. Pero hindi iyon pinansin ni Killian at patuloy lang sa paghalik sa ’kin. Hindi namin parehong pinansin iyon. We were so drunk at the sensation that a phone call couldn’t disturb us.

Pero muli ring tumunog iyon pagkatapos. Killian groaned in annoyance when he realized that the caller wouldn’t stop unless he answered. Kita ko pa ang inis sa mga mata n’ya nang kunin n’ya ang phone sa bulsa n’ya. Pero nabawasan ang pagkakakunot sa noo n’ya nang makita kung sino ang tumawag.

“Yes, boss?” he answered with a sigh.

Oh… Was it Serj?

He was staring at my lips as he listened on the phone. Nang hindi makatiis ay muli akong hinalikan nang mariin bago bahagyang humiwalay para magsalita.

“Yeah… Yeah. Alright.” Pinatay n’ya ang tawag at tumingin sa ’kin. “I need to go.”

“Oh, okay,” I said trying to hide my disappointment.

Shit… Parang nu’ng nakaraan lang iwas na iwas ako sa kanya tapos ngayon disappointed ako dahil naputol ang halikan namin?

But Killian noticed that as he smirked playfully. I almost forgot that he was really observant.

“Don’t worry… We’ll see each other later.”

I protruded my lower lip.

“Okay,” sabi kong kunwari ay hindi interesado pero hindi pa rin naman tumatayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa mga hita n’ya.

Seriously, Irina?

Killian chuckled.

“Alright.” He gave me another deep kiss which I immediately answered before he finally let me go.

Tama ako sa hinala kong magiging usapan nga ang pagkakahuli sa ’min ni Killian sa loob ng dressmaking room. Mabilis na kumalat ang balitang ’yon at bago pa ako makarating sa room ay iyon na ang naririnig kong topic ng mga estudyante.

Mabuti na lang at tumanggi ako nang magtangka si Killian na ihatid ako sa room. They didn’t know who the girl he was making out with, and I didn’t want them to give the idea nor the confirmation if they already had the suspicion that the girl was me. Lalo pa at nitong nakaraan ay madalas nilang makitang kasama ko si Killian.

Napapayag ko si Killian na huwag na akong ihatid sa room. He asked for my number instead. Naiinis daw s’ya na si Annika pa ang nagsasabi sa kanya ng mga bagay kaysa sa ako ang direktang makausap n’ya. So, I gave him my number and he called it so that I could save his already.

“Have you heard the new rumors about Killian?” iyon ang salubong sa akin ni Annika nang makaupo ako sa tabi n’ya.

“Annika, it was hard to miss,” sabi kong ang tinutukoy ay ang mga block mate naming iyon din ang topic. Dahil wala kaming formal class ngayon kaya nakakapagdaldalan ang iba na para bang mas importante ang pinag-uusapan nila kumpara sa final exam namin.

“So? Are you okay?” she asked. She looked so concerned.

I frowned at her.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be okay?” tanong kong nalilito.

Napakunot-noo rin si Annika. Pareho na kaming nalilito ngayon.

“Well, someone caught Kill making out with some girl in the dressmaking room!” she hissed. “And you like him! Unless…”

Annika stared at me when she trailed off. Pinaningkitan n’ya pa ako ng mga mata. Then her eyes widened before she groaned.

“Oh, my gosh, why haven’t I thought of that?” she said more to herself. “Today’s Kill’s fitting for your designs and— Shit! Let’s go.”

“Wait—”

Wala na akong nagawa nang basta na lang ako hilahin ni Annika patayo. Tuloy-tuloy s’ya sa paglalakad at napapasunod na lang ako sa kanya. Hindi s’ya tumigil kahit may nakakabangga na s’ya and I had to apologize to those whom she bumped.

We went to the restroom. Inisa-isa n’yang buksan ang mga stall at nang makitang walang tao ay ini-lock n’ya ang pinto ng restroom. She turned to look at me. I was just looking at her, confusion was eating me as to why she was acting like this.

Then after a while of just staring at me, Annika’s lips broke into a wide grin. Pagkatapos ay tumili s’ya na parang kinikilig.

“Oh, my God, it was you!” sabi n’ya at tumawa pa habang nakaturo sa ’kin. “It was you, you bitch!”

“I was what?” tanong kong nalilito pa rin at pinapanood lang s’yang tumawa. I wasn’t offended with how she called me dahil kung minsan ay ganoon na talaga ang tawag n’ya sa ’kin when she was being playful.

“The girl in Kill’s rumor! The one he was making out with!” sabi n’ya at muling tumawa.

I gasped. Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya at tinakpan ang bibig n’ya. She tried to take my hand off pero sumuko rin at tumawa na lang habang nakatakip pa rin ang kamay ko sa bibig n’ya.

“Shut up, Annika!” I hissed. “Someone might hear you!” Isinigaw n’ya kasi ’yung huling sinabi n’ya! Mukhang sobrang na-excite yata!

She tried to stop her laughter. She was giggling at nang bahagyang kumalma ay tumango sa ’kin. I gave her a warning look before I removed my hand.

She giggled again. Nang akma kong tatakpan ulit ang bibig n’ya ay s’ya na ang kusang gumawa noon.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she said between her laughter but her eyes told me otherwise. Mukhang naaliw pa nga s’ya! “It’s just that… Never in my life that I imagined you would have a rumor like this. And with Killian!”

“I wasn’t in the rumor! They didn’t know it was me!” depensa ko pa. It was ridiculous!

Natawa si Annika. Probably she thought what I said was ridiculous as well.

“I know that but still… Goodness.” She giggled. “It was you!”

“Please, don’t tell anyone about it.”

“Of course,” she said as if I didn’t have to ask her for that. Lumapit s’ya sa ’kin at hinaplos ang buhok ko. Kunwari ay naiiyak pa. “But I’m so proud of you, dochka .”

I rolled my eyes but with a smile on my lips.

“In my defense, we managed to finish the fitting though,” I said trying to divert our conversation. “There are some adjustments I needed to fix.”

“Oh. I finished my designs as well. I think I can schedule the fitting tomorrow.” She smiled at me. “You want to come?”

“Can I?” tanong kong hindi na pinag-isipan. Mas nauna kasi ang kagustuhan kong makasama ulit si Killian.

But Annika took that differently. She grinned at me.

“Hmm… Already claiming your man, huh?”

Mabilis akong umiling. Baka akalain n’yang iniisip kong may gagawin s’ya kay Killian at kaya ako sasama ay para bantayan sila.

“No, Annika. I just want to be with him.”

Annika smiled at that.

“It’s okay. I get it. I’m happy that you’re being this way actually. This is my first time seeing you really liking someone.”

Napangiti ako. I didn’t know that I could act this way too when liking someone.

To think na sinubukan ko pa talagang iwasan si Killian noong una. I was afraid that he could distract me so easily.

But I guess… He was a good distraction. He was the kind of distraction that gave me inspiration. Kaya nga mabilis kong natapos ang paggawa ng designs para sa kanya. And it was three designs!

“But it was a relief they didn’t see that it was you he was with in that room!” Annika said. Her eyes widened with worry. “That would be a disaster!”

“I know…” I sighed. “But Killian covered me with his body so the guy didn’t see my face.”

Annika gasped. Napahawak s’ya sa dibdib n’ya at madramang tumingin sa ’kin.

“That was so romantic,” she said dreamily.

Natawa ako pero tumango rin.

“It was, right?”

“Oh, speaking of Kill’s rumors,” Annika said. Expect her to know a lot about Killian’s rumors.

Bigla ko ulit tuloy naalala ’yung piercing rumors n’ya. My goodness…

“Have you heard that one rumor about his family?” she asked.

I frowned.

“No. What is it?”

“It is really about Serj but they’re both Romanov anyway so they assumed Kill’s like that too.”

“What is it, Annika?” ulit ko. Mukha kasing seryoso ang sasabihin ni Annika at kinakabahan ako.

“Well… They said that they are a family of the Mafia. That Romanov is one of the Mafia families, the Bratva, and Serj will be the next Mafia lord. Have you heard about that?”

Wala sa sariling napailing ako. Hindi ko inaasahan na may ganitong rumor pala tungkol sa mga Romanov. I suddenly wonder what I have been doing to miss such a rumor like this.

I mean… Bratva? This is big.

“Oh, well… It wasn’t proven so that rumor died down quickly.” Annika shrugged her shoulders. “You know how rumors can be ridiculous sometimes.”

Annika said that and I agreed but still… I couldn’t help but wonder… What if it’s true?

Serj and Killian both fit as made men. They looked ruthless. Especially Killian. I sometimes think that he was used to being cruel. That all he knew about was cruelty.

And he’s calling Serj his boss… He said Serj will be the next leader.

Kaya ba ganoon na lang kabilis sumunod si Killian kapag tinatawagan s’ya ni Serj? It was as if there’s more to Serj than just being his brother kaya dapat n’yang sundin agad ang anumang sasabihin ni Serj.

Mariin kong ipinilig ang ulo ko. It was ridiculous. Yeah… Baka nga hindi naman talaga totoo ang rumors na ’yon. After all, it wasn’t proven.

“Let’s go back?” Annika asked. Pinilit kong ngumiti sa kanya bago tumango.

Annika was right. It might be just a ridiculous rumor.

Chapter 13

I was standing in front of my parent’s room. Kanina pa yata ako nakatayo roon. I could even feel my legs stiffen at how long I was already standing there. Wala naman akong iba pang ginagawa. I was just staring at the closed mahogany door while trying to calm my nervousness inside.

I knew Mom was inside. The maid already told me about it. Kanina pa raw nakauwi si Mom at nagpapahinga na sa kwarto. But I knew she wasn’t asleep yet. I knew her routine. Hindi s’ya makakatulog hangga’t hindi pa nakakauwi sina Dad at Yulia.

I didn’t know where Yulia went. Probably with her friends. Ganoon naman ang kapatid ko. Masyadong gala. She has a lot of friends and she’s really enjoying her youth.

While Dad was still at work but I knew he would be home anytime now. Kaya kailangan ko nang makausap talaga si Mommy. Bago pa makauwi si Dad. S’ya ang dapat kong unang makausap. And if Mom will agree — God, please let her agree — she’ll be the one to talk Dad to it.

Kaya nga plano kong kausapin muna si Mommy ngayon. Hindi na ako mahihirapang kumbinsihin si Dad kung sakaling pumayag si Mommy. She’ll help me talk with Dad. Because Dad loves her so much and he was always giving her anything she asked for.

Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa dala ko. But when I realized what I was doing, I immediately stopped. I tried to straighten the wrinkle on the gift wrap, hoping I didn’t ruin it.

It was my birthday gift for Grandma. Usually, ipapadala na lang iyon sa Pilipinas. Ganoon ang palaging nangyayari. Ako na lang naman ang nagreregalo ng ganoon na kailangan pang ipadala. As my parents said it was too much of a hassle.

Their gifts would always be money. As if they just wanted Lola to buy whatever she wanted. But I know it wasn’t a smart gift. Matanda na ang lola ko. Ayaw na ngang lumabas ng bahay. Walking was already too much for her. So, letting her buy a gift for herself with the money they’re gifting her was pretty useless.

I took a deep breath, trying to gather my courage before I finally knocked on the door. Hindi pa nga lumapat ang kamay ko noong una. I could even see my hand trembling. So, I knocked again, a little louder this time.

“Come in.”

Mas lalo pa yata akong kinabahan nang marinig ang boses ni Mommy mula sa loob. For a moment, I thought of just walking away as I felt I was on the verge of fainting out of nervousness. Pero naisip kong baka mapagalitan ang mga maid, thinking that they were pranking Mom. Ayaw na ayaw pa naman n’ya ng ganoon.

So, I finally turned the doorknob and peeked inside my parents’ room. I saw Mom sitting in front of the vanity mirror, doing her night skincare routine. She was holding this kind of… tool that massage her face. She was already wearing her satin dress nightwear, ready to sleep.

She smiled when she saw me.

“Oh, Irina… come in, dochka .”

I smiled but I knew that anyone could see I was feeling nervous with my smile. Alam kong hindi maayos ang pagkakangiti ko. So, I dropped it. I didn’t want to upset my mother.

Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago tuluyang pumasok, closing the door as I did so.

“What is it?” Mom asked, glancing at me. But she noticed I was holding something so she looked at my hands, seeing the gift. “What’s that?”

I tried to stop myself from frowning. I even tried to stop myself from feeling or thinking anything about that. Inisip ko na lang na probably, Mom had a lot on her plate and of course, hindi naman all the time maiisip n’ya ang tungkol sa birthday ni lola by just seeing me holding a gift.

I smiled at her. But it probably looked like I was just forcing myself as she frowned.

“My gift for grandma, Mom…” I said, trying to smile genuinely this time.

She looked confused for a while. Hindi ko na talaga naiwasang sumama ang loob ko roon. It was as if she’d completely forgotten about it. While there I was, always so excited about it. Always. I was already looking forward to it three months pa lang before her birthday.

Just like right now. I even decided to give my grandma a knitted sweater. Because the last we talked, which was on my birthday nine months ago, she was complaining that she easily feels cold. Kahit summer naman daw sa Pilipinas, nilalamig pa rin s’ya.

So, I chose to give her a sweater that I knitted myself. Sa kabila ng pagka-busy ko sa school, nakahanap pa rin ako ng oras para gawin ang regalo n’ya.

I wanted her to know that I put a lot of effort into this. I wanted her to know that I was thinking about her as I knit the sweater. That I didn’t ever forget about her and that I miss her so much. I wanted her to feel my warmth and imagine I was embracing her every time she used the sweater.

That’s why it hurt me this much thinking that my mom may have forgotten about grandma’s birthday. I was hurt for my grandma. We haven’t visited her even once since Mom took me from her. Tapos makakalimutan pa ang birthday n’ya?

“Oh, right. Her birthday’s soon,” Mom said. Napatango-tango pa. Mas napatunayan lang no’n na nakalimutan n’ya nga ang birthday ni lola. “Just give me the gift. I’ll tell your Dad to send it to her.”

I reluctantly gave the gift to her. I could see the disapproving look on her face as soon as she held it. But I knew why.

It was a bit bigger than all the gifts that I’d given my grandma before. Because this time, it was a sweater, I had to put it in a box to ensure it wouldn’t be ruined in customs. Kaya nagmukhang malaki ang regalo ko ngayon.

“What’s inside?” Mom asked. Bahagya pang inalog ang laman, as if she could guess what’s inside by doing that.

“It’s a sweater, Mom.”

She looked at me.

“A sweater?”

I nodded.

“Grandma’s complaining. ’said she feels cold easily even in summer.”

She nodded but I could still see the disapproving look on her face.

“Can’t you just give her money so she can just buy a sweater herself? To be honest, Irina, sending her gifts like this is a bit of a hassle.”

I pursed my lips. The sting in my chest just grew bigger. I could feel my eyes getting warm and I had to fight the urge to cry. Basta pagdating kay lola, mabilis talaga akong maiyak.

“I knitted the sweater myself, Mom,” I said as if that was all the explanation that she needed even though I had a lot to say.

I mean, what’s the use of being a fashion designer and me trying to learn how to make the design myself if I couldn’t make one for my grandma? The one who took care of me when my mom left me before.

Natahimik si Mommy. I knew she got my point. She just sighed. Ipinatong na lang ang regalo sa vanity.

“Okay. I’ll tell your father about this.” Itinuloy na n’ya ang ginagawa kanina bago ako pumasok.

But I just stood there. Watching her massage her face with the tool. She was so focused on what she was doing, massaging her face in an upward motion as if her life depended on it. Mukhang nakalimutan na nga yata na nandoon ako.

Or probably… She was just pretending I wasn’t there. This was maybe her way of ending our conversation and she didn’t want me to talk to her anymore. Dahil may ideya na s’ya sa kung ano pang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya.

And I couldn’t help but feel more upset with her. Nakalimutan na nga n’yang malapit na ang birthday ni lola tapos hindi pa ako mapagbigyang kausapin s’ya tungkol doon.

Nawala ang kaba na nararamdaman ko kanina lang. Napalitan ng pagtatampo. Kaya naman lumakas tuloy ang loob kong sabihin na sa kanya kung ano talaga ang ipinunta ko roon.

“Mom, can we at least see grandma?” deretso ko nang sabi.

I saw her stiffen. Napatigil pa sa ginagawa. At kahit nakatagilid s’ya at hindi ko nakikita ang buong mukha n’ya, nakita ko na agad sa expression n’yang hindi n’ya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko. When I looked at her reflection in the vanity mirror to see her face clearly, I saw her hardened expression.

Now, I remember that my Mom was famous for that expression on her face on the catwalk. People loved that look on her face. They say that it was as if she was trying to devour the crowd and they had no choice but to look only at her. It was as if she was telling everyone to give whatever she wanted or else hell will unleash.

While it scared me whenever I saw that expression on my Mom. Because they were right. She might really unleash hell if I don’t stop now.

“You can greet her on video call on her birthday, Irina,” she said. Her voice sounded so cold.

I gulped. I know I should stop. Pero napasulyap ako regalo kong basta n’ya na lang inilapag sa vanity. Hindi na nga sinulyapan. At mas lumalala ang pagtatampo ko nang maisip na pera na naman ang ipapadala nila bilang regalo kay lola.

“No, Mom,” I said. I could hear my voice trembling. “Like… really see her. All of us. Let’s visit her in the Philippines.”

Halos hindi ko pa natatapos sabihin ang huling salita nang marahas na inilapag ni Mommy ang face massager n’ya sa vanity. She put it down so hard it created a loud thud that I was so sure it had broken. Pero hindi iyon pinansin si Mommy. Tumayo s’ya at galit na humarap sa akin.

And by that, I already knew that there was no way she’d grant my wish this time. Or even forever.

“How many times should I tell you, Irina…” She was gritting her teeth with every word. “Do not speak about going to the Philippines. Ever!”

She shouted the last word. At kahit na alam kong sobra s’yang galit ngayon ay nagulat pa ako sa pagsigaw n’ya. I winced and closed my eyes. Nang muli akong dumilat ay kitang-kita kong halos mag-apoy ang mga mata ni Mommy sa sobrang galit habang nakatingin sa ’kin.

My eyes watered. I immediately realized my mistake. Hiniling ko na sana ay maibalik ko ang oras, na sana hindi ko na lang sinabi iyon. Because I don’t want her getting mad at me.

But I just… I just want to see my grandmother again.

“Mom… I just miss Lola so much.” Hindi ko na napigilan ang panginginig ng boses ko.

“Lola?!” Mas lalo pang nagalit si Mommy doon. “You’re still calling her that?”

I bit my lower lip, trying to stop it from trembling as I was already on the verge of crying. Napatungo ako. Alam ko kasing mas magagalit pa si Mommy kapag nahalata n’yang naiiyak ako.

God… I didn’t want to ruin her night. I just wanted to try my luck. I thought that since it had been so long since the last time that I asked her to visit Grandma, she’ll change her mind this time. She’ll let me see her this time. Pero hindi pa rin pala.

Shit… I’m so stupid.

“I told you not to ever speak that language again, Irina…”

Napatingin ako kay Mommy nang marinig ang panginginig sa boses n’ya. And God, oh God… I wished I could take my words back again.

Because I saw the pain in her eyes. Nakita ko pang mamula-mula ang mga mata n’ya. Tanda nang naiiyak na rin s’ya.

“Why do you like hurting me so much?” she asked that almost broke my heart. “I gave you everything you wanted, Irina, yet those are the only things I asked you not to do. But why couldn’t you give it to me?”

“Mom…”

“Am I a bad mother?”

Napahikbi ako.

“Mom, no…”

Nakita kong may tumulong luha sa mga mata n’ya. And it hurt me so damn much. Mas lalo lang akong nakonsensya sa ginawa ko.

What have I done? I didn’t mean to hurt her. But I just wanted her to know I really miss grandma and I really wanted to see her. Baka kasi ngayon, pumayag na s’yang dalawin ko si lola. And I didn’t want to miss the chance.

Yet I only realized now that there will never be a chance of seeing grandma again without hurting my Mom.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Mom.”

Sinubukan kong lumapit sa kanya pero nakakaisang hakbang pa lang ako ay umatras na s’ya. Napaiyak ako sa nakitang sakit sa mga mata n’ya na para bang sobra ko talaga s’yang nasaktan.

“No, Irina. You’re not. You did it on purpose. You knew I didn’t want you to speak that language again or talk about going to the Philippines. But you did the exact opposite of what I asked you.” She shook her head. “You wanted to hurt me.”

“No, Mom… I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.”

That’s when the door opened. At kahit na hindi ko lingunin kung sino ang gumawa noon, I already knew that it was my Dad. Mas lalong napaiyak si Mommy nang makita s’ya. And all I could do was to stand there, crying and wishing I could take back time.

“What’s happening here?” I heard Dad ask as he stepped inside the room.

Nilagpasan n’ya ako at nilapitan si Mommy na agad yumakap sa kanya. Mom cried so hard as he buried her face on his chest. Dad tried to soothe her, caressing her back while trying to calm her down. Halos hindi makapagsalita si Mommy sa sobrang pag-iyak n’ya.

Dad looked at me and I flinched at the look he just gave me. He gave me a disapproving look. He even looked disgusted, as if I was a villain that hurt the woman he loves.

“What did you do, Irina?” May pang-aakusa sa tono ni Daddy nang itanong iyon.

I cried. At alam kong hindi ko na nagawang itago ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. I knew that dad could see it in my face but he didn’t do anything about it. Hindi rin nagbago ang tingin n’ya sa ’kin.

“Dad…”

“She’s at it again, Andrei,” Mom said between her sobs. Nakasubsob pa rin sa dibdib ni Dad. “Saying she wants to visit her grandmother.”

“What?” He looked at me again. And this time, there was anger in his eyes. “Why did you do that? I thought we’re all clear about that topic, Irina?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” umiiyak pa ring sabi ni Mommy. Halos hindi na maintindihan ang sinasabi dahil sa paghikbi. “Why is she like that? She knew it would hurt me yet she keeps on doing it.”

“No, Mom… I never wanted to hurt—”

“Oh, shut it, Irina!” Dad snapped at me. Mas lalo lang akong napaiyak. “Can’t you see what you’ve done?”

“She’s making me feel like I’m a bad mother.” Mas lalong napahagulgol si Mommy. “Maybe she wanted to get back at me because I left her before. This is how she tells me that I’m a horrible mother.”

“Mom, no…”

Sinukbukan kong lumapit sa kanila para aluin din si Mommy. I wanted to tell her that that wasn’t my intention at all. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for hurting her. I wanted to tell her that she was the best mother for me.

But the look that Dad gave me made me stop taking any further steps. Nagbabanta ang tingin n’ya. As if he will try to hurt me if I did so. Because I just hurt the woman he loves and made her cry.

Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang tumayo na lang doon at umiyak habang nakatingin sa kanila. All I could do was to watch Mom crying so hard while my heart was breaking, thinking that it was me who did that to her.

“Shh… It’s alright, hon… It’s alright,” Dad whispered while caressing my mother’s back.

And to make everything worse, dumating din si Yulia at sa ganoong tagpo kami nadatnan.

“Mom? Oh my God. What happened?”

Nagmamadaling lumapit si Yulia sa mga magulang namin. Hindi yata ako napansin dahil nilagpasan lang ako. Agad na yumakap si Mommy sa kanya habang umiiyak. While Dad tried to hug them both. As if protecting them from anything that could hurt them.

From me.

And all I could do was watch them. The scene broke my heart into pieces.

In front of me was a picture of a perfect family. The father was embracing the two most important women in his life — his wife and his daughter. Anyone could see by the look on his face that he will do anything just to protect his family.

While the mother was hugging their daughter. As if she was all that she needed to feel better again. She’s all she needed to have strength again. Na para bang sa anak lang n’yang iyon makakakuha s’ya ng lakas.

The scene just made me feel so out of place more than ever. It made me feel that I didn’t really belong in that family. Mas lalo lang noon ipinamukha sa ’kin na kahit ano’ng gawin ko, hinding-hindi ako mapapasali sa pamilyang ’yon. And there was nothing I could do but cover my mouth with both of my hands so they wouldn’t hear my sobs, so they wouldn’t hear my cries as it would just disturb them.

I took a step back while crying. I took another step back, wanting to get out of that place but also wanting to do everything possible to fit in with that perfect family.

Pero hanggang sa makalabas ako ng kwartong iyon ay walang nakapansin sa ’kin. They were busy comforting each other.

Patakbo akong pumasok sa kwarto ko. Doon ko ibinuhos ang lahat ng luha ko. I cried so hard. I cried loudly, hoping that the pain in my chest would lessen. Pero hindi nabawasan ang sakit sa dibdib ko. Mas lalo lang iyong lumala nang muli kong maalala ang eksenang iniwanan ko kanina.

And as if the universe wanted to torture me, I noticed our family picture on the bedside table. From where I was, I could clearly see that I was the odd one. Ako lang ang naiiba. Isang tingin pa lang ay kitang-kita na agad ang kaibahan ko sa kanila. Because of my hair.

Mas lalo lang akong napahagulgol. My tears fell like a waterfall but I didn’t bother wiping them. It was no use anyway. Just like no matter what I do to fit in with the Morozova family, it will be no use. Especially since I’m not even a Morozova.

It was only with my grandmother that I could feel that I had a family. Sa kanya ko lang naramdaman iyon.

And I wanted to feel that again. I wanted so much to feel like I had a family. A true family where I didn’t have to try so hard to fit in.

That’s all I ever wanted.

I miss my grandmother so much.

Chapter 14

It was already late and I knew that I should be inside the house now, ready to sleep. I knew I shouldn’t even be out but here I was walking mindlessly on the streets. Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta. Wala rin akong iniisip na eksaktong pupuntahan. I just didn’t want to be inside that house right now.

Suddenly, that house made me feel suffocated. I was having a hard time breathing while inside that place. I even thought that it was because I cried for so long. But even after calming down and drinking water, that feeling still didn’t vanish.

Pakiramdam ko, may sumasakal sa akin habang nandoon ako. Pakiramdam ko, may nakadagan sa dibdib ko kaya hindi malaya ang paghinga ko. Pakiramdam ko, may nakabarang kung ano sa lalamunan ko. And it was making me dizzy at the same time. Hindi ko kinaya ang ganoong pakiramdam kaya nagdesisyon akong lumabas na muna ng bahay para huminga.

I ended up walking in the streets. The street lights and the headlights from the passing cars were the only light illuminating the road.

It was a moonless night. I couldn’t even see the stars. It was as if the sky was sympathetic to me right now. As it knew I wouldn’t be able to appreciate its beauty with those twinkling lights when I felt like I was in the dark. Alone.

I only have my phone and my wallet with me. Ilang beses ko pang tiningnan ang phone ko, nagbabakasaling hinahanap ako ng pamilya ako. I was thinking that after what happened, they would still check on me if I was okay in my room. Or they would comfort me. Kahit si Yulia man lang.

But I got nothing. Dahil doon, mas lumala lang ang nararamdaman kong sakit sa dibdib ko. My vision blurred as I stared at the lock screen of my phone.

It’s okay. It’s okay. They’re probably still upset with me. Hindi pa nila ako kinakalimutan. They still care for me. I know huhupa rin naman ang mga emosyon naming lahat. Hindi ko na muna ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa kanila.

Shit… I sounded so pathetic. Ipagsisiksikan talaga? How could I ever choose that word?

They were my family. She was still my birth mother. Magkadugo rin naman kami ni Yulia. Somehow, I knew there was still a place for me in that family.

Siguro nagkamali lang talaga ako ngayon. I shouldn’t have asked my mom about it. I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. She hated it. She hated everything that had a connection to what had happened before.

I should be thankful instead, right? Kasi binawi n’ya pa rin naman ako. Isinama n’ya pa rin ako rito sa Russia. She gave me a complete family. Kahit na ang kapalit noon ay hindi ko na makita si lola.

But still… I still miss my grandma. Ilang taon din namang s’ya lang ang nakasama ko noon. Back when my mom left me in the Philippines. Si lola lang ang nakasama ko.

I continued walking with no direction. The night lights in Moscow were really beautiful but I couldn’t even appreciate them. I was so down and in pain right now that I couldn’t see any beauty in things.

The wind blew and I realized I was only wearing thin clothes. Just a plain shirt and shorts that reached a few inches above my knee. Naka-sandals lang din ako. Kaya naman ramdam na ramdam ko ang hanging panggabi.

Most of the establishments I passed by were already closed. Ang mga bukas na lang usually ay mga convenience store at ilang mga twenty-four-hour restaurant. Mabibilang na lang din ang mga tao sa kalsada. In fact, ako na lang mag-isa ang nakikita kong naglalakad sa street na ’yon.

That stopped me in my tracks, realizing I should probably go back now. Masyado na akong napalayo sa bahay. Hindi ko namalayang malayo na pala ang nalalakad ko. Hindi ko pa nga nararating ang lugar na ’to. It was so eerily quiet and dark on that part of the street.

Suddenly, a shiver went down my spine. As if someone was watching me. I tried to look around, searching. Pero ako lang ang nag-iisang tao sa street na ’yon.

Then, on the corner a few meters away from me was an alley. Madilim na madilim na roon at hindi na ako nakakaramdam ng maganda.

I turned around, deciding to finally go back to the house. Pero hindi pa man ako nakakahakbang ay natigilan na ako nang makita ang isang lalaking nakatayo hindi kalayuan sa ’kin. He was looking at me. And by the judge of it, I knew he wouldn’t do anything good.

What should I do? Should I still go?

No… I should take a detour, right? Maghahanap ako ng daan kung saan may tao. Kahit isa lang.

I was about to continue walking when I saw someone emerge from that dark alley. It was another man. Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko, magkakilala sila. At napatunayan kong tama nga ako nang tinanguan n’ya ang lalaking nakita ko rin kanina.

Shit… Shit!

I did what I think was the safest. I ran in the direction back to my house. Silently praying that those guys weren’t after me. That I was just being paranoid.

Pero hindi pinagbigyan ang hiling kong iyon nang marinig ko ang mga yabag nilang hinahabol ako. I tried to scream for help. Halos mangilabot ako nang mag-echo lang sa tahimik na daan na ’yon ang boses ko.

I just continued running. I didn’t try to look back. Natakot akong baka madapa ako kapag ginawa ko ’yon. Alam kong mapapabagal lang din no’n ang pagtakbo ko kaya hindi ko na nagawa. I could hear them anyway. Just knowing that they were running after me made me run as fast as I could. I was so fucking scared!

Fuck! Please, please… Sana ’wag nila akong maabutan!

“Help!”

I tried to unlock my phone. Good thing I activated the touch ID lock. I tried to peek at my phone just to look for the dial pad. But it was a mistake. Nawala ang focus ko sa pagtakbo dahil doon kaya naabutan ako ng mga lalaking humahabol sa ’kin.

I screamed as loud as I could the moment that they held me. I was thrashing and scratching everywhere, making sure that they would have a hard time taking me. Baka sakaling bitiwan at hayaan na nila ako kapag na-realize nilang mahihirapan lang silang kunin ako.

Pero hindi ko inaasahan ang malakas na pagsampal sa ’kin ng isa sa kanila. I got dizzy with the impact and I could feel the blood inside my mouth. Sigurado akong pumutok ang labi ko sa lakas ng sampal na ’yon.

Napaiyak ako pero nagpilit pa rin akong manlaban. But it was no use. These two men were a lot stronger than me. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak nila sa mga kamay ko. Ang isa ay binuhat ang mga paa ko. Nadala nila ako sa madilim na eskinita.

“Help!” I tried to scream again, hoping that someone could hear me pero nakatanggap lang ulit ako ng isang malakas na sampal.

Umikot ang paningin ko roon. But still, I didn’t give up. Nauubos na ang lakas ko sa panlalaban sa kanila at sa pagod pero hindi pa rin ako sumuko.

No… No. I wouldn’t let them. I wouldn’t accept that this is how I will die!

“ Perestan’ drat’sya! “ I heard one of them say. Naiinis na yata sa panlalaban ko. Tinakpan n’ya nang mariin ang bibig ko gamit ang kamay na halos hindi na ako makahinga sa sakit. Pagkatapos ay sinunggaban ang leeg ko at hinalikan.

I was so fucking scared that all I wanted to do was to cry. Pero hindi pa rin ako sumuko. I tried to think of a way to outsmart them despite my fear and panic. Tumigil ako sa panlalaban. One man was holding both of my hands, preventing me from hurting them while the other was starting to harass my neck. Pinipilit din na hubarin ang pang itaas ko.

Nandidiri ako. May tumulong luha sa mga mata ko at kumawalang hikbi mula sa bibig ko. Still, I didn’t give up. Nang maramdaman ng isa na hindi na ako lumalaban ay lumuwag ang pagkakahawak n’ya sa kamay ko. That was the moment I was waiting. Kinuha ko agad ang pagkakataon na ’yon at malakas na tinuhod ang lalaking humahalik sa ’kin. Inipon ko talaga ang lahat ng lakas ko para roon!

That man yelped in pain. Napahiwalay sa ’kin habang hawak-hawak gitna n’yang nasaktan. Nagulat naman ang isang lalaki sa ginawa ko at kinuha ko naman ang pagkakataon na ’yon para malakas na suntukin s’ya sa mukha. It hurt my hand but at least it got the effect!

Now, I knew I didn’t do that much damage so I took the chance to run away from them while screaming so loud for help. Narinig ko ang pagmumura ng dalawang lalaki at nagsimulang habulin ulit ako.

I didn’t know where my phone was. Nabitiwan ko siguro nang mahuli nila akong dalawa. Pero hindi ko na sinubukang hanapin pa iyon at tumakbo nang tumakbo habang sumisigaw pa rin. And when I finally saw a convenience store that was still open, mas binilisan ko pa ang takbo papunta roon.

Hindi man lang ako lumingon sa likod hanggang sa marating ang convenience store. Pabalibag ko pa ngang binuksan ang glass door at halos mabasag pa iyon. Nagulat ang crew na nasa counter dahil doon.

I frantically looked outside, looking for those men. But I couldn’t see them anywhere. Nang makita sigurong nakapasok na ako sa loob ng store ay hindi na ako tinangkang habulin pa.

That was when everything sank into my mind. I collapsed on the floor. Pakiramdam ko ay nawala ang lahat ng lakas ko. At wala na akong nagawa kundi ang malakas na umiyak.

I didn’t mind if someone could see me right now. I didn’t mind the startled look on the crew’s face. I didn’t mind if I was sitting on a filthy floor. All I could think right now was relief and the fear of what had almost happened to me.

Shit… I almost got raped! And who knows what those men would do if they ever succeeded doing that to me? They would probably kill me too!

I cried hard. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko dahil sa takot. Ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman ang sobrang takot na halos hindi na ako makahinga sa kaba sa muntik nang mangyari sa ’kin. Idagdag pa ang sobra kong pag-iyak ngayon. Hirap na hirap akong huminga.

“ Ty v poryadke? “

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakita ang crew ng store na nakaluhod na sa harap ko. He was looking at me with worry in his eyes. Hindi malaman kung hahawakan ba ako o hindi dahil nanginginig ang buong katawan ko.

I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t even speak properly as I was crying hard. Sunod-sunod din ang paghikbi ko. I probably looked really horrible right now pero wala na akong pakialam doon.

“Should I call the police?” the crew asked. Inakala sigurong hindi ko naiintindihan ang sinabi n’ya kanina dahil Russian ang lenggwahe.

I immediately shook my head. Right now, I wanted to call someone. Gusto kong makakita ng pamilyar na mukha para mas mapanatag ang loob ko.

“Can I…” I sobbed. Hirap na hirap ako sa pagsasalita. “C-can I… Can I b-borrow your phone? I lost mine.”

Mabilis na tumango ang crew at iniwan ako saglit. Hindi ako nagtangkang tumayo. Pakiramdam ko rin ay hindi ko pa kaya. Wala pa akong lakas.

The crew gave me his phone. Muli s’yang lumuhod sa harap ko. Binabantayan ako na para bang anumang oras ay babagsak ako.

I tapped the dial pad on his phone and called my mom dahil sa kanyang number lang ang kabisado ko. Nag-ring ang kabilang linya. Hinintay kong sagutin n’ya ang tawag pero napunta iyon sa voicemail.

Sobbing, I dialed her number again. Pero sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay hindi n’ya pa rin iyon sinagot. Muling namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko.

Mom, I almost died… Pick up, please… I need you.

Pero nang sa pangatlong pagkakataon ay hindi n’ya pa rin sinagot ang tawag ay napaiyak ako. I texted her thinking that she wasn’t used to accepting a call from an unregistered number. Pero nang muli ko s’yang tinawagan ay hindi n’ya pa rin talaga sinagot ang tawag.

Muli akong napahagulgol. ’Yung crew ay mas lalo lang nataranta dahil doon. Mukhang handa na talagang tumawag ng pulis dahil halatang-halata sa itsura kong may hindi magandang nangyari sa ’kin.

“Can I open my Facebook account here?” I asked between my sobs. “I need to call someone. I don’t remember their number.”

Tumango ang lalaki. Sa nanginginig na mga kamay ay binuksan ko ang Facebook account ko roon. I logged in my messenger. Nakita ko na unang-unang sa listahan ng mga naka-online ay si Annika kaya hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na tawagan s’ya.

“Hey, Irina! What’s up?” she asked cheerily.

Bigla akong napaiyak. Narinig ko ang natatarantang boses ni Annika sa kabilang linya nang marinig ang mga hikbi ko.

“Irina! What happened? Are you okay?” natataranta n’yang tanong. Worry was in her voice.

“Can you fetch me, please?” hirap na hirap kong sabi sa gitna ng paghikbi.

“Where are you?”

I looked at the crew who was just watching me.

“Where is this?” I asked him.

He said the name of the store. Alam kong narinig iyon ni Annika.

“Hurry, Annika, please,” I said. “I’m so scared.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll be there.”

After I logged out my account, ibinalik ko ang phone sa crew na nag-aalala pa ring nakatingin sa ’kin.

“Do you want some water?” he asked.

I was about to accept his offer but changed my mind afterward. I was being paranoid, I know. This guy just wanted to help me. Pero pagkatapos ng nangyari sa ’kin ay hindi ko kayang magtiwala ngayon kahit kanino.

Sinubukan kong tumayo. I was thankful that the crew didn’t try to touch me even though it was so clear that he wanted me to help up. I might flinch with his touch. I didn’t want anyone, especially a stranger to touch me right now.

Umupo ako sa isa sa mga upuan doon habang hinihintay si Annika. Hinayaan lang ako ng crew. Bumalik s’ya sa counter pero alam kong binabantayan n’ya ako. Mabuti na lang at walang ibang pumapasok sa store na ’yon. Siguro kasi ay gabing-gabi na rin. I even think that it was already past twelve.

I looked at my feet and just realized that I had lost one of my sandals. Madumi ang mga paa ko. Muli akong napaiyak nang maalala ang nangyari kanina.

Fuck, I feel so dirty. Nararamdaman ko pa rin ang mga labi nu’ng lalaking humalik kanina sa leeg ko. I feel so disgusted that I just wanted to rip off my skin so I wouldn’t feel it anymore.

Why did it ever happen to me? Is this my karma because I hurt my mother? Grabeng karma naman ’to. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang masakatan si Mom!

That experience was so frightening. I was lucky I escaped. Buti na lang, hindi ako sumuko. Hindi ko ma-imagine kung ano’ng sakaling mangyayari sa ’kin kung sumuko akong manlaban.

Shit, I don’t want to imagine it. I don’t want to remember it. I hope I can forget what just happened.

Hindi pa rin ako tumigil sa pag-iyak habang hinihintay si Annika. ’Yung crew, mukhang nag-alala na talaga at hindi na napigilang maglagay ng bottled water sa harap ko. Pero hindi ko iyon ininom. I was still feeling scared I don’t trust anyone right now.

Kahit sa nanlalabong paningin ay naagaw ang atensyon ko ng isang sasakyan na pumarada sa harap ng convenience store. It was a Ferrari so I knew that it wasn’t Annika. Pero hindi ko inaasahan ang taong nakita kong bumaba mula sa driver’s side.

It was Killian.

Agad na nagtama ang mga mata namin nang makababa s’ya. I was so surprised from seeing him that I think I even stopped crying. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. He was wearing a plain black shirt and maong pants. Deretso ang mga mata n’yang nakatingin sa ’kin at hindi n’ya iyon inalis kahit nang maglakad s’ya papasok ng store.

What is he doing here?

The wind chime jingled when he opened the door. The crew greeted him but he didn’t pay any attention. His eyes were all mine. Ako naman ay nakatitig lang sa kanya, hindi pa rin nakakabawi sa gulat.

He knelt in front of me. I saw his eyes surveying me and it was so obvious that he didn’t like what he just saw. I could clearly see it in his dark green eyes as they turned colder and darker and they looked almost black while looking at me.

I was just watching as his eyes moved. He saw my wrist and I noticed his jaw clenched. Napatingin tuloy ako roon at nakita ko na nagkamarka ang mga iyon dahil sa mariing pagkakahawak ng lalaki sa ’kin kanina. Alam kong nakita n’ya rin ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko.

Umangat pa ang tingin ni Killian sa mga braso ko. Mas tumindi ang emosyong nakita ko sa mga mata n’ya dahil doon. I figured he also saw bruises on my arms too.

Then his eyes even moved upward. He was looking at some part of my face. Doon ko na nakitaan nang hindi mapantayang galit ang mga mata n’ya.

He finally looked me in the eye. His eyes were cold that I almost shivered under his gaze. It was as if he was planning something horrible and unimaginable.

“Who did this you?” he asked. Even his voice was ice cold.

And I didn’t know why. Despite the coldness of his voice, despite the rage I could see in his eyes, I felt… safe. That I’m finally safe.

Umangat ang kamay n’ya. Ang mga daliri n’ya ay marahang lumapat sa pisngi ko. Then his thumb softly caressed my lips too.

He muttered a lot of curses under his breath.

“Who did this to you, Irina?”

His voice sounded as if he was trying to hide his anger. Pero napaiyak ako roon. I was flooded with so much relief that I couldn’t help but cry again.

Even if my vision was blurry, I noticed him clenching his jaw. Marahan n’ya akong kinabig palapit sa kanya at nang maramdaman ko ang mainit n’yang yakap ay mas lalo lang akong naiyak.

“I swear, they will pay for this, Irina,” he said. “I will make them regret touching you. I’ll make them pay that they will beg I’ll kill them instead.”

Wala na akong pakialam kung ano man ang plano n’yang gawin. Wala na akong pakialam sa kung ano’ng binabalak n’ya. All that I could care about was that he was here. He came for me.

I hugged him back. I cried hard on his shoulder. Naramdaman ko ang masuyo n’yang paghaplos sa likod ko.

“Hush now, love… Let me take care of it.”

Chapter 15

It took a while before I finally managed to calm myself down. Killian didn’t let me go the whole time. He just kept hugging me and his hug would tighten every time my cries got louder, silently telling me that he got me and no one would ever hurt me again.

I know that he could feel my body trembling. Kaya rin siguro ganoong katatag ang pagkakayakap n’ya sa ’kin na para bang ayaw na n’ya akong bitiwan. As if he was afraid that I would crumble the moment he let go of me.

I was really thankful for his hug. His hug made me feel safe— no. It was Killian who made me feel safe. Kaya rin ganoong kalakas ang naging iyak ko. I let go of the fear that enveloped me earlier. Inilabas ko ang lahat ng takot ko, ng sama ng loob ko, and also the relief that I was feeling right now while inside Killian’s arm.

Hindi ko alam na sa kanya ako makakaramdam ng ganito. I never expected that I would feel the sense of security in him. Pakiramdam ko wala na talagang makakapanakit sa akin ngayong nandito na s’ya. Pakiramdam ko ay ligtas na ligtas ako habang nakapaloob sa mga braso n’ya.

I never knew I needed something like this. I never knew that Killian would make me feel that I deserve something like this. That I didn’t have to endure everything as he was there, and he would always be there for me.

It was funny how I felt like this with him right now when I was so afraid of his presence before. I even intended to stay away from him before as I thought that he was a dangerous man, as he always looked ruthless as if he was always thinking of something bad.

Pero ngayon… tuluyan nang nawala sa isip ko iyon.

Nang sa wakas ay medyo kumalma na ako, saka ko lang na-realize kung nasaan kami. Agad akong napatingin sa crew na nakapwesto na sa likod ng cash register. He was looking at us with curiosity and concern. When he saw me looking at me, agad s’yang nag-iwas ng tingin.

I cleared my throat. Humiwalay ako kay Killian. Ayoko pa nga sana pero nahihiya na kasi ako sa crew at naisip ko rin na baka nangangalay na si Killian sa pwesto n’ya. He was in front of me the whole time, waiting for me to finally calm down. Nakaluhod sa sahig ang isang tuhod n’ya sa buong panahon na ’yon.

Killian reluctantly let me go. Parang ayaw pa nga. Still, he did what I wanted. Marahan n’yang inilayo ang katawan sa ’kin na para bang natatakot na masaktan ako sa kaunting kilos n’ya lang.

He looked at me. His eyes roamed around my face as if he was searching for something. Probably a sign that I’m still in pain and he was ready to do anything to stop that. I just watched his deep green eyes move as he tried to check every part of my face. And as he stared at me longer, his eyes turned colder. It was obvious that he didn’t like what he was seeing.

God… I was sure I looked so horrible right now. Kaya siguro ganoon ang ekspresyon n’ya. Sinubukan kong umiwas ng tingin dahil hindi ko kayang makita ang mga iyon sa kanya. But he held my chin, gently angling my head so I had no choice but to look at him again.

“Don’t ever look away from me,” he said. His voice was firm. Mukhang hindi talaga nagustuhan ang ginawa ko.

But despite the tone in his voice, despite the coldness and anger that I could see in his eyes, his touch was so gentle. He wiped the tears off my face with his thumb. Halos maiyak ako sa gaan ng paghawak n’ya sa ’kin pero pinigilan ko ang mga luha ko. But it was so hard to stop myself from crying when this ruthless-looking man in front of me was acting this way.

“Killian…” All I could do was mumbled his name.

He was busy drying my tears but he looked me in the eye after.

“Hmm?”

I bit my lower lip. Napatingin ako ulit sa crew at nahuling nakatingin s’ya sa ’min. I blushed and looked at Killian again.

“Let’s go,” I said.

Killian tilted his head to the side. Curiosity was in his eyes.

“Should I get you home?” he asked.

Natigilan ako. Nang sabihin kong umalis na kami ay wala akong partikular na naiisip na gusto kong puntahan. Naiilang na kasi ako sa crew kahit na alam kong binantayan n’ya rin naman ako kanina at inasikaso pa. But still, I want to be alone with Killian.

I was so sure I wanted to get home earlier. Si mommy pa nga ang una kong tinawagan. But right now, I don’t want to go home. Ayoko pa lang malaman nila ang nangyari sa ’kin.

I’m… ashamed. Ashamed and upset. Upset that I couldn’t rely on my family when I needed them the most. At ayokong lumala ang pagtatampo ko sa kanila.

I shook my head at Killian.

“Anywhere but home,” my voice croaked. Nararamdaman ko na naman ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko.

I was thankful that Killian didn’t say anything. Tumango lang s’ya. He stood up. I was about to stand up as well when he suddenly carried me in his arms. Napasinghap ako at napakapit kaagad sa mga balikat n’ya.

“Killian, I can walk.”

“Yeah, sure,” balewala n’yang sabi. Hindi yata naniniwala sa ’kin.

Well… I don’t think I could walk by myself either. Hindi na ako masyadong nanginginig pero pakiramdam ko ay wala pa rin akong lakas. I felt so tired. Ngayon ko nararamdaman ang pagod dahil sa mga nangyari kanina.

So, I clung to his neck. Isinandal ko rin ang ulo ko sa dibdib n’ya. I could hear his heartbeat. I could even smell his cologne mixed with his own scent and it was enough to calm me down. It was enough for me to fully trust him. Hinayaan ko na s’ya sa kung ano’ng gusto n’yang gawin.

It was only when he put me in the passenger seat of his car that I remembered I hadn’t thanked the store crew yet. Siguro, gagawin ko na lang iyon kapag ayos na ako.

But I don’t think I could come back to this place again. Maaalala ko lang ang nangyari.

“How did you know I was here?” tanong ko nang makaupo si Killian sa driver’s seat.

He started the engine before he looked at me.

“Annika told me.”

Nagulat ako roon.

“She called you?”

He nodded.

“She said it’s better that I should be the one to come to you in case something happened.”

Napatango na lang ako. Hindi ko talaga inaasahan na tatawagan ni Annika si Killian para ipasundo ako.

I should thank her later. Sa tingin ko rin ay mas umayos ako ngayon dahil si Killian ang nandito.

I just rested on my seat and even closed my eyes as Killian drove. I let him take me wherever he wanted. Hinayaan ko lang s’ya. I don’t think there’s somewhere for me to go anyway. Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta. Wala akong mapupuntahan.

That’s the reason why it happened to me earlier. Dahil wala akong mapuntahan. Pakiramdam ko, naliligaw ako. Kahit nga nasa loob na ako ng bahay namin, naliligaw pa rin ako.

There was this one place where I wanted to go, though. I wanted to go back to the Philippines. I wanted to be with my grandmother again. Pero kapag ginawa ko ’yon, masasaktan si Mommy. Kahit si Dad. Or even Yulia. And I don’t want to hurt them.

But then… where were they when I’m hurting? Where were they when I needed them? Where were they when I felt so alone?

Lagi na lang bang ako ang mag-a-adjust para sa kanila? Dahil ba hindi ako totoong Morozova, okay lang na masaktan ako ng ganito? Hindi ko naman ginustong maging anak sa labas.

God… I don’t want to sound ungrateful. Afterall, Mom gave me a complete family. Pero nasasaktan pa rin kasi ako. Masakit pa rin. Masakit na palagi na lang ako ’yung nag-a-adjust para sa kanila.

I wanted to feel that I’m a priority. I wanted to feel that I’m important. I wanted to feel that I belonged.

Masama na bang hilingin ’yon?

I felt the car stop and that’s when I only opened my eyes. Hindi ko namalayan na umiiyak na pala ulit ako. So, before Killian could notice, I immediately wiped away my tears.

Sinubukan kong tingnan kung nasaan kami. Killian parked the car in front of a two-storey modern house. The exteriors were a blend of black, gray, and brown and it has a balcony. From where I was standing, I could see the glass wall on its way to the veranda. Nahulaan ko kaagad na iyon ang sa master’s bedroom. Sa kabila ay may ganoong ding glass wall although the size was half as the other one.

Killian tapped something on his phone and the black gate automatically opened. Ipinasok n’ya ang kotse sa loob at pinatay ang makina ng kotse. Bumaba s’ya at agad na umikot sa side ko para pagbuksan ako ng pinto.

I was about to go down but Killian didn’t let me. Muli n’ya akong binuhat at agad akong nagpumiglas.

“I think I’m okay now, Killian,” I said.

He looked at me as he raised his eyebrows.

“So?”

Natahimik na lang ako at napagdesisyunang hayaan na lang s’ya. I don’t think he’ll ever let me do what I want when the look on his face was so firm as if he was set to do what he wanted this time.

Well… Lagi naman s’ya ang nasusunod sa ’ming dalawa.

I wasn’t able to look around the house dahil umakyat kaagad si Killian. He opened the door and went inside before he kicked the door closed behind him.

The room was huge. The first thing I noticed was the black bed. Even the comforter and the pillows were black. Nakaayos iyon na para bang hindi nagagamit.

“Whose house is this?” I asked.

“Mine,” he said as he put me down on the bed. Nag-alangan pa ako dahil nalukot ang comforter nang lumubog ang kinauupuan ko. Ayos na ayos kasi iyon at ang linis-linis. I was dirty. Parang bigla ay gusto ko na lang tumayo.

“Serj too?” tanong kong tinitingala s’ya dahil nakatayo lang s’ya sa harapan ko.

“He has his own place.”

Oh, wow… They both have their own place. I wish I had something like this too.

I looked around. The gray curtains were drawn and the only light inside was from the lamp above. But it was a warm light kaya medyo madilim pa rin sa loob.

Kaunti lang ang gamit sa loob. There was a small bedside table and a lamp. And on the corner was a small bookshelf and a small walk-in closet. Nakabukas nang bahagya ang sliding door doon at nakikita ko ang ilang mga coat at mga polo n’yang naka-hanger.

Those were the only things in his room. No paintings. Not even wall designs.

“Names, Irina,” Killian suddenly said. Napatingin ako sa kanya.

“What?”

“I want names.”

I looked at him. Mariin ang pagkakatitig n’ya sa ’kin. I felt so small as he looked down at me while he was still standing in front of me. He has his hands on his hips, waiting for me to answer his question. His eyes were firm as he held my gaze, never letting me look away.

“I want the names of those I will torture.”

Napalunok ako. He looked… murderous and frightening. Kahit na wala naman akong emosyong nakikita sa mukha n’ya. He was just looking at me but… his aura and his stance looked dangerous.

“I… I don’t know them,” I said. Unti-unting bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

Suddenly, I became aware that I am alone with a man in his bedroom. The man who had this effect I couldn’t refuse. The man who gave me a kind of sensation I never thought I would feel. The man who made me feel strange emotions.

I was alone. With him. In his bedroom.

Killian tilted his head to the side. It was clear he didn’t like my answer. He wanted them. He wanted to know who did it. Not what happened but who did it.

Hindi ko napaghandaan nang yumukod s’ya. He bent over as he placed his hand on either side of me, caging me. Bahagya akong umatras pero muli s’yang lumapit. He was leaning over me while I was leaning away from him. Naitukod ko na ang dalawang kamay ko sa kama para mapigilan ang sarili kong mapahiga.

It was only then that I looked up. Nanindig ang mga balahibo ko nang makita ang malaking salamin sa taas. There was a big mirror on the ceiling and I could clearly see our position. Mahina akong napasinghap nang may ibang ideya ang pumasok sa isip ko.

“Who did this to you, Irina?” he asked, enunciating every word.

I looked at him. His eyes were darker in color now. I could see danger in them. Na mas lumalala yata habang hindi n’ya naririnig ang sagot ko.

I shook my head, sobbing as I knew I would never get away with him.

“I really don’t know… They just came out of nowhere and… and—”

Hindi ko na naituloy ang sasabihin ko nang muli kong maalala ang nangyari kanina. My eyes teared up. I was still looking at Killian and there was coldness in his eyes while staring at me. Na para bang hindi s’ya naaawa kahit na naiiyak na naman ako sa harap n’ya. He wanted the names. Iyon ang kailangan n’ya.

I gulped my emotions down. Nang makita ni Killian na nagsimulang manginig ang mga labi ko ay napabuntong-hininga s’ya. He finally moved away from me.

“Alright…” he said. “I have ways to know who they are anyway.”

“What will you do to them?”

He looked at me. The side of his lips rose for a cruel smirk.

“You sure you really wanna know?”

No. Iyon kaagad ang sagot ko. Nakakatakot ang tingin na nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya. As if he was already imagining those things that he would do to those men. And that he would take his time to enjoy it. To enjoy torturing them.

I was right. Tama ako sa unang nakita ko sa kanya noon. He enjoys making people suffer.

I shook my head. Mas lalong napangisi si Killian. He crouched down, leaning over me again.

“Don’t worry. I told you; they will pay for what they did to you.”

He touched my cheek. Bumaba ang haplos n’ya sa mga labi ko. I felt the sting when he touched the cut on my lips. Then his hand went down again and touched my neck and I saw anger in his eyes despite the smirk on his lips. As if he knew what those men did to me. That someone kissed my neck earlier.

“Nobody should ever touch you again, love. I’ll fucking kill anyone who dares to touch you again.”

Muli s’yang lumapit sa ’kin. He moved until his lips reached my ears and whispered.

“I already found you, so you are mine to ruin, Irina. Fucking mine.”

Chapter 16

Killian lent me some of his clothes so I could clean myself up. It was some big plain black shirt, so big that I think the length would at least reach half of my thighs. But still, he lent me his boxer shorts as he said it was dangerous for me if I would just wear his shirt. Hindi ko naman alam kung paano naging delikado iyon para sa ’kin.

It was only then that I realized that I was imposing. Bigla akong tinablan ng hiya na kanina ay hindi ko man lang naisip o naramdaman nang hinayaan ko s’yang dalhin ako sa kung saan. Kahit nga nang makarating na kami sa bahay n’ya, and even when he put me down on the bed, I didn’t even feel embarrassed at all.

All that I thought of at that time was the feeling that I still wanted to be with him. Na ayoko pang humiwalay sa kanya. I still wanted to feel that assurance that I’m finally safe, the assurance that I could feel only at him.

But now that I was looking at my dirty feet, only wearing one dirty sandal, I finally felt the embarrassment. Nakalubog kasi ang mga paa ko sa carpeted floor. The gray fibers tickled my feet. It felt so soft and clean, so opposite to the dirt that I could see on my legs down to my feet.

Alam kong sobrang linis ng kwarto n’ya. The smell gave it all. Pagpasok pa nga lang namin kanina ay naamoy ko na ang mabangong amoy na ’yon. The scent of citrus mixed with the scent of his cologne that I could always smell at him. Ang linis pa ng pagkakaayos ng room n’ya. Para pa ngang hindi ginagamit.

I was even surprised to know that Killian was neat with his place. It gave me a sense of relaxation. Nakatulong iyon para mas mapakalma pa ako.

I could live here forever.

I heard Killian sigh. Napatingala ako sa kanya pero napatungo rin dahil sinundan ko nang lumuhod s’ya sa harapan ko. Hindi na yata natapos ang pagkagulat ko sa mga ikinikilos ni Killian. He was doing things I thought he wouldn’t even do with my impression of him. Because he looked dangerous. He looked harsh. He looked as if the word gentle wasn’t even in his dictionary.

So, when he held my leg gently and removed my sandal, so gently I almost couldn’t even feel his movements, I was surprised. Huli ko nang napagtanto na hinawakan n’ya ang madumi kong paa. Agad ko iyong binawi sa kanya.

“I can do it,” huli ko nang sabi dahil natanggal na naman n’ya ang natitirang sapin ko sa paa.

He focused his attention on me. He cocked his head to one side. He looked serious with a slight frown on his face and seemed puzzled as to why I was fighting him over this.

“I know. But I want to do it.”

I was about to say something. Nahihiya kasi ako sa ginawa n’ya. Nahihiya akong nahawakan n’ya ang madumi kong binti at paa. But I couldn’t say anything as he didn’t tear his gaze at me. As if he was challenging me to say something. Pero sa oras naman na magsalita ako ay hindi n’ya magugustuhan iyon.

So, I chose to stay silent. Napahigpit na lang ang kapit ko sa mga damit n’yang ibinigay sa ’kin kanina.

He smirked at that. Para bang nagustuhan na hindi ako nakipagtalo sa kanya at hinayaan na lang sa gusto n’yang gawin.

“If you are unable to clean up by yourself, I can assist you. I’ll wash you up.”

I looked at him, surprised that he even said that!

What the hell?

“I can do it myself!” nabibigla kong sabi and I was so sure I was blushing so hard right now!

Killian chuckled. Ni hindi man lang nilubayan ng tingin ang mukha ko. Naaliw yata sa naging reaksyon ko.

“Alright,” he said. But it was obvious it wasn’t alright to him.

The look in his eyes seemed somehow… predatory. He wanted to do it, badly. There was a dark glint in his eyes as if he had already imagined it even before he asked me that, and he still did even if I had already refused his idea.

Mabilis akong tumayo. Bigla kasi akong kinabahan sa paraan ng pagtingin n’ya sa ’kin. As if he wanted me to know what was running to his mind right now.

“Where’s the bathroom?” I had to clear my throat as I even squeaked a little.

Killian stood up. Iwas na iwas ang tingin ko sa kanya pero ramdam ko naman ang mabigat n’yang titig.

He pointed at the far end of the room. Napatingin ako sa kanya. And I don’t even know why he looked so intimidating just by pointing at something. Nakatingin pa rin kasi s’ya sa ’kin habang nakaturo sa bahaging iyon ng kwarto n’ya. He looked as if he was commanding me to go there even if I was the one who asked for the bathroom.

Napatingin ako sa itinuturo n’ya. I thought that it was just a wall earlier. Black na black kasi iyon. But then I saw the partition. Nang masigurong may pinto nga ang banyo ay naglakad na ako papunta roon.

I went inside. Even the bathroom has a dark interior with gray tiles. It has an oak vanity sink and a mirror on the wall on the right side. Sa tabi noon ay ang glass shower na kitang-kita kung sino ang gagamit noon sa pagpasok pa lang ng banyo.

I pursed my lips. Okay. I was alone naman here. Killian was outside. I made sure to lock the door before looking in the mirror.

Just what I expected, I looked horrible. My hair was a mess. The curls looked unruly; some strands were sticking everywhere.

It was obvious that I cried. May mga bakas ng natuyong luha sa mukha ko. My left cheek was swollen from the slaps I had received. My pale lips even had a cut on them.

I looked at my hands. Bukod sa mga pasa sa pulsuhan ko, I saw some scratched on them. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko nakuha iyon. Probably when I was struggling from those men earlier.

I really, really looked horrible. Nobody would even want to look at me. Yet when Killian stared at me earlier, it was still the same. The same when he looked as if he wanted to devour me every time. That was why I didn’t even mind how I looked earlier when I was with him. As I thought I just looked bad. Not horrible.

I took a deep breath and decided to undress. Hindi ko na sinubukan pang tingnan ang sarili ko sa salamin. I didn’t want to know how my body looked after what those men did to me. Even though they didn’t succeed in what they were planning to do, still, I was assaulted.

I stepped into the shower. Malamig sa balat ang buhos ng tubig. I didn’t even turn the heater on. I wanted to feel the coldness of the water so I could remind myself that it was water now that was touching my body. Hindi ang kamay ng mga lalaking ’yon. It was water and not their lips on my skin.

I shook my head on closed my eyes. Huminga ako nang malalim nang kumudlit sa alaala ko ang pakiramdam ng hawak nila. Ang nakakadiring pakiramdam nang dumikit ang labi nila sa balat ko.

Shit, no. Stop it. Stop it. I don’t want to remember it.

But no matter how hard I tried to not think about it, nagpupumilit pa rin iyong sumiksik sa isip ko. Parang nangungulit. As if it didn’t want to give me a piece of mind.

My body remembers. And fuck, it was so scary. Dahil kahit na kaya kong alisin ang alaalang iyon sa isip ko, naaalala naman ng katawan ko ang nakakadiring pakiramdam ng mga hawak at halik nila.

“Fuck!” I screamed.

I grabbed the soap and tried to wash my body. Hoping the feeling will wash off too. But it wasn’t enough. Masyadong madulas ang sabon lang.

I saw a new sponge and tore it off from the packaging. Agad ko iyong ginamit at kinuskos ang katawan ko. Kapag kumukudlit sa aalala ko ang nangyari ay dinidiinan ko ang pagkuskos sa balat ko.

I scrubbed my body hard, especially on my neck. I needed to forget the feeling. I needed to scrub off the feeling. Nararamdaman ko ang hapdi dahil sa mariin kong pagkuskos pero hindi ko pa rin tinigilan.

I don’t care. I just want my body to forget. It was disgusting. I didn’t want that disgusting feeling. If there’s a need to peel off my skin just so I could forget it, then I would.

Hindi ko alam na umiiyak na pala ako kung hindi lang sa kumawalang hikbi sa bibig ko. I was crying as I scrubbed my body hard. Kitang-kita ko ang mabilis na pamumula ng maputi kong balat dahil sa rahas ng pagkuskos ko.

I hate this. Fuck, I hate this feeling. I hate this!

Mas diniinan ko pa ang pagkuskos sa balat ko. I didn’t care if I ruined my skin. I didn’t care if it stung. Mas okay na nga na mas masakit. Baka sakaling matabunan ang pakiramdam na gusto kong kalimutan.

I didn’t know how long I was in the shower. My fingers and skin already got wrinkles so probably, I took longer than I used to. Hindi man lang ako nagpunas nang lumabas sa shower at muling humarap sa salamin na nandoon sa loob ng banyo.

I wasn’t surprised when I saw my skin so red. I wasn’t even surprised when I saw scratches on my skin due to how roughly I scrubbed my body earlier. I looked more horrible than when I did earlier. Puno ng mga parang kalmot ang balat ko.

It stings. Of course, it stings but this was better. Kaysa naman sa maramdaman ko ang ginawa ng mga lalaking ’yon sa katawan ko.

I wiped myself dry and wore Killian’s clothes. I wasn’t wearing any underwear. Mabuti na lang at itim ang binigay n’yang shirt kaya hindi naman halata. Inilagay ko na lang sa harap ang medyo basa ko pang buhok.

It was obvious that I cried with my puffy eyes. Pero hindi ko na ’yon pinansin at lumabas na sa banyo. I immediately saw Killian leaning on the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, obviously waiting for me. He cocked his head to the side when he saw me come out of the bathroom.

He didn’t even move a bit even when I started walking towards him. He was waiting for me as if he knew that I would come near him and he didn’t even have to tell me that. His eyes were on mine, looking heavily at me as I walked. Ginusto kong tumigil sa paglalakad dahil nakakatakot ang tingin n’ya pero ayaw sumunod ng mga paa ko at patuloy lang na lumapit kay Killian.

I stopped just a few steps away from him. Mas naramdaman ko ang bigat ng tingin n’ya lalo na sa malapitan. He stared at my face before he eyed me wholly. I was squirming deep inside as it felt like he was already touching me as he eyed every part of my body.

Tahimik lang ako. The whole room was quiet and I could almost hear my own heartbeat. Bumibilis iyon. Kinakabahan kasi ako sa ginagawang pagtitig ni Killian sa katawan ko. Sana lang ay hindi n’ya marinig ang tibok ng puso ko.

I sucked my breath when he looked me in the eyes again. And this time, my heart beat faster when I saw that… frightening look in his eyes. Wala naman akong nakikitang kahit anong emosyon sa mukha n’ya. But the way he looked at me gave it all.

He didn’t like it. He was angry. He saw something that he got mad about. So mad as if a big hurricane is coming.

“What have you done, Irina?” he asked. His voice was quiet and it added to my fear.

“What?” maliit ang boses kong tanong.

“What have you done to yourself?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

His jaw moved as he gritted his teeth as he stood up straight. Para bang kinokontrol n’ya lang ang sarili n’ya. Wala pa rin akong makitang kahit anong emosyon sa mukha n’ya. But that just frightened me even more.

“Your skin,” he said, almost hissing every word. “Why the fuck does it look like that?”

Hindi ako sumagot. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay mas magagalit lang s’ya kapag sumagot pa ako. I just played with the hem of my shirt, trying to calm myself as my heart was beating so loud right now.

His jaw clenched. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Napatingala s’ya and that gave me a good view of his Adam’s apple. But I didn’t have time to appreciate how hot he looked right now dahil mas lamang ang takot at kabang nararamdaman ko.

He let out his breath slowly. He looked back at me again, tilting his head to the side. I almost took a step back when I saw anger in his eyes, so much so that his eyes got darker in color.

“Answer me, Irina,” he demanded through gritted teeth.

Napalunok ako. Oh, my gosh… I think my hands were trembling. Pakiramdam ko rin ay babagsak ako sa sahig dahil nagsimulang manginig ang mga tuhod ko.

“I’m getting impatient now, love,” he said when I didn’t answer. And even if he used endearment, hindi pa rin nabawasan noon ang kaba ko.

“I just wanted to forget the feeling,” naiiyak kong sabi.

He frowned. He looked angrier now.

“What feeling?”

“Of their touch!” Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko. “I wanted to forget the feeling of their hands on my skin. Of their lips on my skin! I hate it! It’s disgusting!”

Tuluyan na akong naiyak. Nakakainis. I hated this day. I so fucking hate this day that I wished these were all just a nightmare!

Bakit ba kasi nangyari ang lahat ng ’yon? Bakit ngayon nangyari ang lahat? Bakit sunod-sunod na parang ayaw akong bigyan kahit segundo ng pahinga?

I was sobbing when Killian took a step toward me. Hindi nabawasan ang galit sa mga mata n’ya nang tumigil sa harap ko. As if he didn’t mind if I was ugly crying in front of him.

“I told you I’ll take care of them,” he said. His voice sounded like a lot of promise.

“I hate what they did to me.”

“I know… That’s why I’ll make them pay. Greatly.” He stared at me hard. “Do you understand?”

Napahikbi muna ako bago tumango. I thought he would like that. Pero mukhang may iba pa s’yang ikinagagalit dahil hindi nabawasan ang intesidad sa mga mata n’ya.

“And I thought I also told you that you are mine to ruin, Irina. But I guess you didn’t understand that, huh?” He stared intently at me. “I hate what you did to yourself.”

I bit my lower lip. His eyes were serious. He looked strict. His jaw was set as he looked down at me. I already knew that Killian was so much taller than me but right now, I felt so tiny under his gaze.

“I just don’t know what to do so I could forget,” I said. My voice was soft. Natatakot akong mas magalit pa si Killian.

He took a step closer to me. Ang lapit-lapit na n’ya sa ’kin at naaamoy ko na ang panlalaking pabango n’ya humahalo sa natural n’yang amoy. His scent was so male like there was no soft spots in his entire being.

“You should’ve told me.” He tsked as he shook his head. “It seems like you didn’t understand a thing on every word I told you earlier. I said let me take care of it,” mariin ang pagkakasabi n’ya sa mga huling salita. Na para bang gusto n’yang tuluyang maintindihan ko ang meaning noon.

His hand reached for my face. Magaan n’yang hinawakan ang gilid ng leeg ko. His thumb lightly caressed my cheek. It was so light that I couldn’t even feel his touch. But for some reason, hindi pa rin nawawala ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Pero may isang emosyong humalo rin doon.

My heart beat even faster. But this time, it wasn’t because of fear. There was also excitement in my chest.

“I’m so fucking mad at you. You’re not an obedient one, are you?”

“Killian…”

He chuckled. His lips even rose for a smirk. He had that expression but his eyes looked ruthless.

Ang kamay n’yang nasa gilid ng leeg ko ay iginalaw n’ya papunta sa batok ko. Halos mapasinghap ako roon. It stayed there for a minute. Bigla akong kinilabutan nang makita ko ang kakaibang emosyon sa mga mata n’ya.

“I was going to do it gently, but you made me enraged.”

Just as when his smirk widened, his hand grabbed my nape and pulled me harshly toward him. Halos sumubsob ako sa dibdib n’ya. My eyes widened but I wasn’t able to take in what just happened when he fisted on my hair and pulled me even more to him that we were so close not even air could pass between us.

I yelped in pain because of what he did. My scalp stung but Killian didn’t let me go. He made me look up to him. Nakatingala ako dahil mas matangkad s’ya sa ’kin. I had to lean my body to him dahil hindi na ako makakuha ng balance.

My heart beat erratically inside my chest. I had a hard time breathing with excitement and I was confused about why I am feeling that right now. But Killian saw that. And he seemed to like it.

Inilapit n’ya ang mukha sa ’kin. His lips almost brushed with mine. Napaawang ang mga labi ko dahil doon. His breath fanning my face and it made me feel intoxicated. Biglang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko kaya kinailangan kong lumunok.

“I can make you forget that feeling, Irina…” he whispered. His lips lightly brushed mine as he spoke. Napasinghap ako dahil doon.

“How?” I asked, almost feeling drunk.

Killian chuckled. Mas lalo pa akong hinapit palapit sa kanya.

“I have my ways. Want me to do it then?”

I knew he wasn’t planning anything good with that. I could see it in his eyes. I knew I should refuse as I also knew I was in danger with this ruthless man. But for some strange reason, I found myself nodding at him.

He smirked at my answer. Bahagya n’ya akong inilayo sa kanya. Ang isang kamay ay marahas na hinila pababa ang kwelyuhan ng shirt na suot ko. Sa sobrang rahas ay narinig ko pa ang bahagyang pagkapunit noon.

Then, he dipped his head. Hindi pa man lumalapat ang mga labi n’ya sa balat ko ay mas tumingala pa ako. He chuckled lightly as he tugged my hair, exposing my neck even more. Napasinghap ako ng malakas nang sa wakas ay maramdaman ko ang mga labi n’ya sa leeg ko.

He kissed that spot. That same spot where that disgusting man kissed me. That same spot on my neck which was now full of scratches as to how hard I scrubbed it earlier. That same spot which stings so much right now.

Killian kissed that part of my neck. Hindi gumagalaw ang mga labi n’ya at nakahalik lang doon pero halos panghinaan na ng lakas ang mga tuhod ko. Kinailangan kong kumapit sa damit n’ya para kumuha ng suporta.

But then, after a while, he licked that spot. I whimpered in pain when his warm and wet tongue licked that part with so many scratches. Mas lumala ang pagkahapdi noon dahil sa ginawa n’ya.

“Killian…”

I tried to push him but I think I just made him mad. Humigpit ang pagkakasabunot n’ya sa buhok ko as he licked that spot again.

“Oh…” I breathe. The pain I was feeling was now mixed with this… strange sensation.

This time, Killian licked that very same spot in a slow upward way. Nanginig ang mga kamay ko sa magkahalong sakit at kakaibang sensasyon. A sensation that was making me confused. A sensation that was making me feel hot. A sensation that was frightening me.

“Focus on the feeling of my tongue licking your skin, Irina…”

He didn’t have to say that. Because right now, I couldn’t think of anything but his wet tongue licking my neck. It was enough to make me go crazy.

I was feeling so hot. Nanghihina na rin ang katawan ko dahil sa ginagawa n’ya. I was already breathing through my mouth dahil hindi sapat na hangin ang nakukuha ko.

I whimpered when Killian licked my neck again, much slower this time. It tickled as well as it stings. And it was also so fucking good in feeling. Hindi ko na alam kung ano’ng uunahin kong maramdaman.

And it was as if he hadn’t had enough of torturing me, he ripped my shirt open. Nagulat ako sa ginawa n’ya. He took off my shirt and stared at me.

Tinitigan ko s’ya. His eyes were intense. There was a fire in it and a glint as if he wanted to devour me but just holding himself back.

I heard him tsked. As if he didn’t like what he saw but the lust in his eyes gave anyway.

He was staring hard at my chest. Napatingin ako roon at nakitang tinitingnan ang mga naging kalmot doon dahil sa pagkuskos ko kanina. He pretended he didn’t like what he saw but the impure glint in his eyes tells me that he did like it. Because he has something to lick more.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng hiya dahil sa paraan ng pagtitig n’ya. His stares were heavy and hot. And just looking into his dark green eyes was enough for me to know that he had a lot on his mind about what he would do to me.

Sinubukan kong takpan ang dibdib ko. It was embarrassing. He was the first man to see me half-naked. But then, he was also the first person who made me feel those strange emotions. Those emotions were terrifying but I still liked to feel them anyway.

Bago ko pa matakpan ang dibdib ko ay pinigilan n’ya na iyon.

“Be a good girl, love,” he said. He was smirking but his tone was giving me a warning.

Inilagay n’ya sa likuran ko ang mga kamay ko. He held them with his hand firmly, also holding me in place so I wouldn’t move. He stared at me as if giving me a warning before he dipped his head and licked my chest.

“Oh, my gosh!” I breathe.

Halos mapasigaw ako nang maramdaman ang dila n’ya sa dibdib ko. He licked my scratch there, just on that spot on the center of my chest, licking the valley of my breast. He licked his way upward and did it again.

I felt like going crazy with what he was doing with my body. Ang init-init ng pakiramdam ko. Kinakapos na ako ng hininga pero patuloy pa rin si Killian sa ginagawa n’ya.

Fuck… I didn’t know what to feel first. I felt so hot. I could also feel the sting as he licked my scratches but his warm and wet tongue was making me forget the pain. Wala na akong pakialam dahil ang tanging nararamdaman ko na lang ay ang makasalanan n’yang dila sa balat ko.

The feeling was too much. It was making my mind go hazy. Ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganito. Pakiramdam ko ay may gusto pa akong gawin n’ya pero pakiramdam ko rin ay sobra-sobra na ang ginagawa n’ya sa ’kin.

And when he inserted my nipple in his mouth, my knees gave up. Hindi ko nakayanan at nabuwal na ako.

Good thing that Killian’s reflexes were fast. He quickly caught me before I could even fall on the floor. He snaked his arms on my waist as I leaned my body to him.

I shook my head, catching my breath as I did so. Ang bilis-bilis pa rin ng tibok ng puso ko.

“No more,” hinihingal kong sabi. “Please, no more.”

I felt his body shake as he chuckled lightly.

“I’m not finished yet, Irina…” rinig ko ang pagkaaliw sa boses n’ya.

But I shook my head. Hindi pa rin ako maayos na makatayo.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I said. “It’s too much.”

He chuckled.

“I’m helping you forget. I’m not done yet.”

Ibinaon ko ang mukha ko sa dibdib n’ya.

“It’s okay now…” nanghihina kong sabi.

It’s totally okay now. Sa ginawa ba naman n’ya, nawalan na ng lugar sa isip ko ang nakakadiring pakiramdam na iyon. I think what my body would remember now was the feeling of his sinful tongue lapping on my skin.

Alam kong maaalala ko rin ang hapdi ng mga kalmot kapag maaalala ko ang ginawa n’ya. But it added with the sensation. It added to the frightening yet good feeling.

“Promise me not to hurt yourself again, Irina.”

My eyes watered. I didn’t know why my heart felt full with his question. Nahirapan akong magsalita kaya tumango na lang ako.

“I need an answer, love,” he demanded. Not contented with just a nod.

“I promise.”

Naramdaman ko ulit ang mahina n’yang pagtawa bago masuyo akong niyakap. Na para bang hindi naging marahas ang kilos n’ya kanina. Na para bang hindi s’ya nagalit sa ’kin kanina.

He hugged me gently and I felt him kiss the top of my head as he caressed my hair with his finger.

“Alright… Take a rest now, love.”

I smiled lazily at his voice. I closed my eyes and let myself rest inside his arms.

Chapter 17

Madaling-araw pa lang sa Russia when I decided to call my grandmother. Alam kong umaga pa lang doon sa Pilipinas. I wanted to greet her in the morning. Ang gusto ko pa nga’y ako ang unang babati sa kanya pero kinonsidera ko ang oras ng gising n’ya. Ayoko naman s’yang maistorbo sa mga kailangan n’yang gawin sa umaga.

I was facing my laptop, waiting for her to answer the video call. It was one of those days when I could call my grandma and talk to her without my mother getting mad at me. But still, I decided to be alone in my room. Baka kasi hindi ko mapigilan ang pagsasalita ng Tagalog at marinig pa ni Mommy. Magalit na naman sa ‘kin.

After that day, my parents barely even talk to me. It was worst. Kakausapin lang nila ako kapag kailangan pero saglit na saglit lang. Hindi katulad noong dati na marami kaming napag-uusapan ni Mommy. And even Dad kahit na maikli s’yang makipag-usap sa ‘kin.

But now, they were acting like I didn’t even exist. Kapag nagkakasalubong kami sa bahay, halos hindi na nila ako tingnan.

If it wasn’t for Yulia who was so considerate and became sweeter to me after the incident, baka hindi ko na talaga matagalan ang manatili sa bahay na ‘yon.

I regretted it. I regretted even talking about going to the Philippines to see grandma. Alam ko naman na hindi nila magugustuhan iyon pero ginawa ko pa rin. And now, it ruined everything.

I wanted to fix everything but I didn’t know how. Lalo pa at malapit na ang final exam namin. It will be my first-ever fashion show. Gusto kong makapunta sila. Gusto kong makita nila ang mga gawa ko, ang mga pinaghirapan ko. I wanted my mom to see that I can be in her world too. I wanted my dad to see that I can be like my mom and a Morozova that he could be proud of. Even if I wasn’t a Morozova by blood.

It was a good thing that I could at least talk with my grandmother today. Hindi ko na kasi alam kung sino ang kakausapin ko. I couldn’t talk about it with Annika. Hindi n’ya alam ang tungkol sa family background ko. And of course, hindi ko rin masabi sa kanya na nanirahan ako sa Pilipinas noong bata pa ako.

Kaya naman palagay ko ay si Lola ang dapat ko talagang makausap. And she could at least divert my attention to all my problems. After all, I’ve been looking forward to this for months now.

Malaki ang naging ngiti sa mga labi ko nang sa wakas ay sagutin n’ya ang video call. I almost cried as soon as I saw her face on the screen. Magkasalubong pa ang mga kilay n’ya noong una. Her eyes were squinting a bit even if she was already wearing an eyeglass as if she’s having a problem with her laptop.

Natawa ako. Hindi pa rin talaga nasasanay si Lola sa paggamit ng mga gadget.

“Hi, Grandma!” bati ko na dahil hindi n’ya yata napansin na nakakonekta na ang tawag.

Mukha pa s’yang nagulat. She looked at the screen and I saw her lips break into a smile.

“Irina… Ang apo ko…”

I smiled and I couldn’t help the tears formed in the corner of my eyes. She said those words so dearly. Mas lalo ko lang nahiling na sana ay personal ko s’yang kaharap. I wanted to hug her so badly.

“Happy birthday, Grandma… Did you receive my gift?”

“Aba, oo!”

Lumayo s’ya sa camera para ipakita sa ‘kin na suot n’ya ang sweater na ginawa ko para sa kanya. Mas lalo pa akong napangiti dahil doon.

“Ang ganda-ganda nito, apo!” she said as she turned around.

“I’m glad you like it. How’s the fit?”

“Kasyang-kasya sa ‘kin! Napakagaling mo na talagang gumawa ng mga damit. Naiinggit nga ang mga kumare ko. Ang ganda-ganda raw. Pinagmalaki ko sa kanilang apo ko ang may gawa nito.”

Halos mapunit na ang mga labi ko sa lawak ng pagkakangiti ko pero ramdam ko pa rin ang panlalabo ng mga mata ko. Hearing her said those words lift my spirits up. Suddenly, I forgot all my problems. Nawala ang sama ng loob ko na ilang lingo ko nang iniinda.

I knew it. Talking with Grandma was the best thing to do.

“Salamat dito, apo, ha?” sabi ni Lola na umupo na ulit sa harap ng laptop. “Talagang nagustuhan ko ang regalo mo.”

“Wear that when you’re feeling cold, okay?”

“Aba, kahit hindi ako nilalamig, isusuot ko ‘to. Lalo na kapag nami-miss kita, apo, na araw-araw naman. Kaya araw-araw ko rin ‘tong isusuot.”

I chuckled. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapaluha kaya mabilis kong pinunasan ang luha ko. Ayokong magkaiyakan kami. Ngayon na nga lang kami magkatawagan.

“I wanted to visit you there, Grandma, but Mom wouldn’t let me,” malungkot kong sabi.

Grandma smiled at me. Kahit nakikita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata n’ya ay nandoon ang pang-unawa.

“Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit ganoon si Catherine… Ang ina mo. Napakarami n’yang pinagdaanan para makamit ang lahat ng nakamtan n’ya. Makakasira lang ako sa lahat ng ‘yon.”

“Still… We should’ve been there on your birthday to celebrate it.”

“Hayaan mo na, Irina… Kuntento na ako sa ganito. Nakakausap pa rin kita. Nasisiguro kong nasa mabuti kang kalagayan.”

Nalungkot ako. Hindi kasi ako kuntento sa ganoon lang. I wanted to celebrate Grandma’s birthday with her. I wanted to hug her. I missed her so much.

Mabuti pa ‘yung damit na gawa ko, nayayakap s’ya. Pero ako, hindi.

But I’m still trying to understand my Mom. Naiintindihan ko naman s’ya. Takot si Mommy na maging magulo ang pamilya namin. Takot si Mommy na makapagdala s’ya ng problema kay Daddy when he was the one who saved her from scandal because of my existence. Takot si Mommy na kapag pumunta kami ng Pilipinas ay magsimulang maging kuryoso ang mga tao.

Mom had been trying to hide the truth about my birth. Hindi n’ya gustong maungkat ang tungkol doon. That’s why she was so thankful to my Dad that he introduced me as his own daughter. Bilang totoo n’yang dugo. Kahit na nga ba noon ay marami ang naging tanong, still, pinanindigan n’yang totoo n’ya akong anak.

Iyon ang ayaw masira ni Mommy. Kaya naman naiintindihan ko s’ya.

Still, I couldn’t help but miss the life I had in the Philippines. With my grandma.

“Have you talked with Mom?” I asked.

“Hindi pa. Ikaw ang unang-unang bumati sa ‘kin ngayon.“

I grinned at her.

“I’m glad. I wanted to be the first one to greet you.” I sighed. “I miss you so much, Lola…”

Lola… I missed calling her that. Ayaw kasi ni Mommy na tawagin ko s’yang ganoon. She hated when I was speaking in Tagalog. Pero hindi ko na talaga mapigilan ngayon dahil miss na miss ko na si Lola.

Malungkot na ngumiti sa ‘kin si Lola.

“Miss na miss na rin kita, apo… Kayo ng Mommy mo.”

Napaiyak na ako. Hindi ko na talaga napigilan lalo na nang marinig ko ang lungkot sa boses ni Lola. I felt so miserable, so guilty that I couldn’t be with her when she was getting old. Gusto kong alagaan s’ya gaya nang ginawa n’yang pag-aalaga sa ‘kin noong bata ako. Pero hindi ko iyon magawa.

I just wished that it wouldn’t be too late when I finally have the chance. I just wanted to finish my studies first. To make my way into the fashion industry. To build my name. Pagkatapos ay pupuntahan ko na talaga si Lola.

I just wanted to make sure that our family wouldn’t receive backlash first before I can be with Grandma again. I wanted to be successful so that no one would ever question again if I’m a real Morozova. Dahil napatunayan ko na ang sarili ko. Na katulad ako ng mga magulang ko na successful din sa buhay nila.

Isa iyon sa mga rason kung bakit ko pinagbubutihan ang pag-aaral ko. Why I wanted to improve. Bukod pa sa gusto kong maramdaman na kasali ako sa mundo ni Mommy.

I wiped the tears off my face as I laughed. Si Lola ay ganoon din. Naiiyak pero nakangiti naman.

“Ikaw ba ay may nobyo na?” tanong ni Lola maya-maya.

Nanlaki tuloy ang mga mata ko. Dapat ay inaasahan ko na iyon. Lagi n’ya naman iyong tinatanong sa tuwing magkausap kami. Sa bawat sagot ko na wala ay ipinipilit ni Lola na hindi naman masama kung magkakaroon ako. Para raw hindi lang pag-aaral ang inaatupag ko.

I would laugh every time she said that. Ibang-iba kasi ang pananaw ni Lola. Samantalang ‘yung mga ibang magulang, hindi hinahayaang makipagrelasyon ang mga anak nila hangga’t hindi pa tapos ng pag-aaral.

I think I got that trait in my Filipino blood. Iyon ngang si Yulia, halos hindi ko mapagayang magka-crush dahil napakabata pa.

“Bakit ganyan ang reaksyon mo? Gulat na gulat?” tanong ni Lola na nakahalata. Usually kasi ay tinatawanan ko lang ang tanong n’yang iyon. “May nobyo ka na nga?”

Napangiwi ako. Maya-maya ay natatawang umiling.

“No, Lola… I have no boyfriend.” I hesitated… Then bit my lower lip. “But I have someone I like.”

Si Lola naman ngayon ang mukhang nagulat.

“S’ya nga?” She smiled. “Ano’ng pangalan ng maswerteng lalaking ‘to?”

Natawa ako.

“Killian, ‘La… Killian Romanov.”

“Sa pangalan pa lang mukhang magandang lalaki na, ah?”

Mas lalo akong natawa. Kinikilig na napatango.

“He is. He’s very handsome, Lola…”

“Bagay na bagay pala kayo kung gano’n! Napakaganda mo, apo…” Naningkit ang mga mata n’ya. “Mabuting lalaki naman ba ‘yan?”

Natigilan ako. Hindi kaagad nakasagot. Naalala ko kasi ‘yung first impression ko kay Killian noon. Iyong paglayo ko sa kanya noong una dahil tingin ko ay delikado s’yang lalaki.

I think I wasn’t the only one who had that first impression of him. Sa unang tingin pa lang kasi kay Killian, anyone could tell that he’s a dangerous man. That he’s harsh. He’s wicked. He’s… evil. He has that aura around him. That there would always be trouble around him and he wouldn’t back out. That he enjoys making people suffer. He enjoys violence.

But when I got to know him, when I got to spend time with him, it wasn’t hard to like him. He volunteered to be our model to help us get a higher grade. And just lately, he came to my rescue.

I smiled at my grandmother.

“He’s a good man, Grandma…”

Tinitigan ako ni Lola. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng nakita n’ya dahil marahan s’yang napangiti.

“Mabuti naman kung ganoon. Gusto kong makilala ang lalaking ‘yan.“

“Actually, ‘La, he’s our model for our fashion show. It’s our final exam. I made clothes for him.”

“Talaga ba?” She looked excited. “Padalhan mo ‘ko ng mga litrato n’yang suot ang mga gawa mo, ha, apo? Kahit na alam ko namang magaganda ang mga iyon. Ipagmamalaki ko lang sa mga kapitbahay ko rito.”

I smiled. My heart felt full with how she sounded so proud already kahit hindi n’ya pa nakikita ang mga ginawa kong damit para kay Killian.

“Of course, Lola. I’ll definitely do that.”

Marami kaming napag-usapan ni Lola sa video call na iyon. And just like the usual, inilabas ko ang cake na pinagawa ko pa para sa birthday n’ya. I sang her a happy birthday and I was delighted when I saw how happy she was. She acted like she was blowing the candle. Ako na ang naghipan noon para sa kanya.

Ayoko pa ngang matapos ang tawag. I wanted to talk with her all day. Hindi naman palagi kasi ako nagkakaroon ng ganoong pagkakataon. But I didn’t want to be selfish. I know Mom and Yulia will call her too. Kaya kahit mabigat sa loob ko ay nagpaalam na ako sa kanya.

It’s alright… At least, nakausap ko s’ya. Nakakwentuhan ko s’ya. I got to see her wearing the sweatshirt I made.

I promise one day, I’ll visit her in the Philippines.

It was already late in the afternoon when I ended the call. I get back with my work, working with Killian’s clothes for the fashion show. Lumubog na ang araw nang sa wakas ay matapos akk.

I got ready to go to Killian’s place. I took my work with me. It will be Killian’s final fitting to make sure that there would be no problem with the actual show on weekends.

Annika was still working on the adjustments and alterations. She was already cramming but I knew that she could still make it. For some reason, mas umo-okay pa nga ang gawa n’ya kapag nagka-cram s’ya.

Kaya naman hindi kami sabay na pupunta sa place ni Killian ngayon. Ako lang muna. Ayoko rin namang maghabol at ma-pressure. Mabilis kasi akong mataranta.

Kumatok muna ako sa kwarto nina Mommy para magpaalam. I opened the door and saw her and Yulia talking with Lola through video call. Wala pa si Daddy. Napatingin si Mommy sa ‘kin nang sumilip ako. She raised an eyebrow at me. Her eyes were asking me kung ano’ng sadya ko.

I showed her my bag.

“I’m going to the model’s place for his final fitting, mom,” mahina kong sabi para hindi maistorbo si Yulia sa masayang pakikipag-usap kay Lola.

Mom frowned.

“It’s already late, Irina.”

Napalabi ako.

“I want to make sure I have enough time if there are still some alterations needed.”

Tinitigan ako ni Mommy. Kinakabahan pa nga ako sa titig n’ya. But I was happy. Ramdam ko ang pag-aalala n’ya sa ‘kin. Hindi katulad nitong mga nakaraang araw na umaakto s’yang parang hindi ako nakikita kahit nasa loob kami ng iisang bahay.

She sighed. Napasulyap s’ya sa laptop bago tumingin ulit sa ‘kin at tumango.

“Alright. Take care.”

Napangiti ako bago tumango. I looked at the laptop and saw my grandmother smiling widely as she talked with Yulia. I was glad that she looked like she was enjoying her birthday by talking with us.

Hindi ako kita sa anggulong iyon. Gusto ko sanang magpaalam din kay Lola na aalis na ako pero ayoko namang makaistorbo sa pakikipag-usap n’ya kina Yulia at Mommy. I already had my moment earlier. Ang tagal pa nga naming nag-usap.

So, I just looked at my mother. Mahina ang boses na nagpaalam ako sa kanya.

“I’ll go now, Mom.”

She nodded. Hindi na n’ya ako pinansin kaya isinara ko na ang pinto.

I hailed a cab. Nagpahatid ako sa bahay ni Killian at habang nasa daan ay kabang-kaba ako. It was funny how I still felt like that when it wasn’t the first time I went to his place.

Ewan ko ba. Basta pagdating kay Killian, lagi na lang akong kinakabahan.

I chatted him that I was already on my way. Wala pang isang minuto ay tumatawag na s’ya sa ‘kin. Mabilis ko iyong sinagot.

“Hey…”

“You’re already on your way?” he asked. Even on the phone, his voice sounded dangerously hot. Pakiramdam ko ay inaakit n’ya ako dahil medyo mababa at namamaos ang boses n’ya. Kahit na alam ko namang ganoon talaga ang paraan ng pagsasalita n’ya.

“Yeah. I’m in a cab. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

“You should’ve told me so I could come and get you! It’s already late, Irina!”

I bit my lower lip. Hindi ko maiwasang kiligin sa narinig na pag-aalala ng boses n’ya kahit na halatang galit s’ya. He was always so worried about me after that night. Kahit sa school, lagi na s’yang nakadikit sa ‘kin at halos hindi na talaga humihiwalay.

“I’ll be fine.”

He cursed in Russian. Galit s’ya, alam ko. Pero hindi ko maiwasan ang matawa.

I still have nightmares about what happened to me that night. Hindi na ulit ako naglalakad nang mag-isa sa gabi. I already learned my lesson.

But whenever I think of that night, hindi ko rin maiwasang maalala ang ginawa ni Killian para makalimutan ko iyon. The feeling of his wet and warm tongue on my skin. The feeling of how he licked my scratches. Kapag naaalala ko iyon, nararamdaman ko rin ang hapdi sa balat ko dahil sa ginawa n’ya.

But for some reason, it felt… good. It was that kind of pain that I wouldn’t be scared of. It was that kind of pain that I would like to feel again.

Namula ang mukha ko nang maalala ang gabing iyon. Killian did succeed on making me forget about that disgusting feeling na ginawa ng mga lalaking ’yon. At simula rin nang gabing iyon, he was always there for me. Kaya pakiramdam ko ay ligtas ako dahil nandyan s’ya.

Dahil may isang Killian Romanov na dumating sa buhay ko.

And I know that he would do anything to protect me. Just like what he promised to me.

Nakita kong nag-aabang si Killian sa labas nang bahay n’ya nang makarating ang cab doon. There was that frightening look in his eyes as he watched the cab parked in front of his house. Para bang alam na alam n’ya na ako ang sakay noon.

He was only wearing a plain black shirt and a khaki short. He looked cool with his tattooed arms. Nakapamulsa pa na para bang kanyang-kanya ang oras sa mundo.

Nang pumarada ang sasakyan sa harap ng bahay n’ya ay lumapit s’ya sa backseat para pagbuksan ako. I was all smiles when I went out of the car despite that scary glint in his deep green eyes and a frown on his face.

“You’re mad at me,” I stated the obvious.

“Glad that you know,” nakaismid n’yang sabi.

I chuckled. Kinuha n’ya ang bag ko sa ‘kin at nakipag-usap sa driver. He was the one who paid for my fare. Nang makaalis na ang cab ay nilingon n’ya ako.

He stared at me. It was obvious that he didn’t like what I did. The lamp outside the wall of his house illuminated half of his face, casting a shadow from the other side. It made him look… terrifying which sent shivers down my spine and made my heart race.

My whole being was screaming that I was in danger and I should run away from him. Still, I remained looking at the gorgeous devilish man in front of me.

“Come here,” mariin n’yang utos na para bang kapag sinuway ko s’ya ay mas lalo pa s’yang magagalit. And he would do anything so I could learn my lesson not to make him mad again.

Kaya naman mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya. Gamit ang malaya n’yang kamay ay hinapit n’ya ako nang marahas sa bewang ko. He pulled me closer to him without any gentleness in his touch.

I knew it. He was ruthless. There wasn’t a word of gentleness in his dictionary.

“You really like making me mad, Irina,” he said through gritted teeth. Gumagalaw ang panga n’ya sa pagpipigil ng galit.

Isinukbit ko ang mga braso ko sa mga balikat n’ya. He looked scary and savage but I still like to be close to him. I like his scent. His cologne that was mixed with his natural scent.

“I’m sorry, Kill… But nothing bad happened to me.”

Tinitigan n’ya ’ko. Nakakunot pa rin ang noo n’ya.

“I worry about you, love,” he said. “I’d kill anyone who dares to touch and hurt you again.”

Napangisi ako sa kabila ng galit sa mga mata n’ya.

“Your name definitely suits you.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. Para bang hindi n’ya inaasahan na iyon ang magiging komento ko. But then the side of his lips rose for a manacing smirk.

“That’s why Serj chose it.”

Napakunot naman ang noo ko. Hindi naintindihan ang sinabi n’ya.

“What?”

He chuckled. He shook his head before he planted a kiss on my temple.

“Nothing.” Pinakawalan n’ya na ako. “Let’s go inside.”

Napangiti ako bago kumapit sa braso n’ya.

“Okay.”

Chapter 18

I laid down the clothes I made, my creations, on Killian’s wide bed and I had to stare for a while. His bed sheet and comforter were black. I suddenly felt so glad that I didn’t use any bright colors for the clothes I made. It would look ridiculous against Killian’s bed.

Actually, noong pumipili pa lang ako ng tela, I already envisioned Killian wearing my designs. That’s why I considered his personality as well as I chose the color. Iyong babagay kay Killian. I mean, mas babagay. I think anything he wears and any color would suit him. That’s how good-looking and hot he was. But I wanted something that would suit him the best dahil for final exam na nga namin ’to.

I smiled, looking satisfied that the bed somehow complimented my designs. I could really imagine black as Killian’s color. He seemed mysterious as if he was hiding a lot of secrets. But he also looked dignified and powerful. And I have this urge to unveil everything he was hiding, everything about him.

And just like the color black which feels as if you were looking at something where there was no end, I was willing to get sucked into the nothingness.

I wanted to know him better. I wanted to get closer to him. I wanted to get pulled by him and get drowned by his everything if that was the only way that I could be with him.

Shit… I thought that this attraction I have with him will soon fade away. Akala ko, kapag hindi ko na nilabanan ang atraksyon ko sa kanya, mawawala na lang iyon basta. It was just an attraction anyway. Isa pa, gusto ko ngang iwasan ang mga katulad n’yang mabilis magpalit ng babae.

But then, my attraction grew stronger the more I got to be with him, the more I spent time with him. I realized now why a lot of women, of his flings, seemed like they couldn’t get enough of him. Marami pa rin sa mga flings n’ya ang hinahabol-habol s’ya.

I understand them now. Because I think I was becoming one of them. I wanted more of Killian. Hindi sapat ang oras na nagkakasama kami. I wanted to be with him more.

That attraction turned into an emotion, a more powerful emotion. It was scary and yet… I like the feeling.

“You should try them on,” sabi ko kay Killian na nilingon s’ya. He was just quietly leaning his hips on his bedside table as he looked at me. “I hope this time, they will fit you perfectly.”

We were inside his room at his place. The first time I was here, I didn’t have the time to appreciate anything as my mind was so clouded back then. Wala ang isip ko sa kung ano’ng nasa paligid ko. Ang alam ko lang, dinala ako ni Killian sa place n’ya. And that he did something to make me forget that terrifying thing I just experienced.

I shivered when I suddenly remembered what he did. I could still feel every lick of his tongue on my body. I could feel its wetness and warmth, giving me comfort and making me tremble at the same time. I could still feel the gentle caress of his hand on my nakedness, but at the same time, his eyes were ruthless and savage as he stared at me.

I cleared my throat. Sinubukan kong alisin ’yon sa isipan ko. I have something I need to focus on. But it seemed like Killian had cast some kind of spell on me as I really couldn’t forget about it. Kahit sa panaginip ko ay dinadalaw ako ng ginawa n’yang ’yon. And I would wake up in the middle of the night, feeling hot and thirsty.

He succeeded in making me forget what I’d experienced that night. And I suddenly felt scared dahil baka masyado ko na s’yang hahanap-hanapin.

I tried to act normal as Killian walked towards me pero hindi ko maiwasan ang mapalunok. Shit… Why does he have to look so hot and gorgeous even with just plain black and khaki shorts on? It wasn’t helping me!

Killian stopped just a few steps away from me. Ang mga mata n’ya ay nakatingin sa designs ko na nasa ibabaw ng kama n’ya. Then his deep green eyes found mine. Ilang sandali s’yang tumitig lang sa mga mata ko bago ko nakita ang unti-unting pagtaas ng isang sulok ng labi n’ya.

“Undress me,” he said.

I gaped at him.

“What?”

“Undress me, love,” ulit n’ya. A wicked glint was in his eyes. “I told you that I’ll let you take off my clothes, right?”

My heart beat erratically inside my chest. Biglang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. The air suddenly felt so heavy and hot.

“Killian…” I gulped. “You can do it yourself.”

“Sure, I can,” he said. “But I want you to do it.”

“You’re making this so hard for me,” I said frustratedly. Ang lakas-lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. I was even afraid that he could hear it and he would realize that I was feeling nervous right now.

He chuckled.

“What’s so hard about taking my clothes off?” Idinipa n’ya pa ang mga braso n’ya. His muscles flexed and I couldn’t help but stare at the tattoos on his arm. “C’mon, love. I’m at your mercy.”

My hands were on my sides and I couldn’t help but grab the sides of my dress, fisting my hands as if that would give me enough strength to stay rooted in my place. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay nanghihina na ang mga tuhod ko. There was something so hot and sensual about the way he talks kahit na ganoon na naman talaga s’ya magsalita. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay.

I mean, Killian says whatever he wants to say. With me having no real experience in relationships, it was too much for me. Hindi ko s’ya masabayan. Palaging grabe ang epekto noon sa ’kin. Palaging nakakakaba. Nakakahina.

Killian was just looking at me, waiting for my next move. There was a challenge in his eyes but I could also tell that he wanted me to do it. He wanted it more than me.

There was a look in his eyes that told me he was just restraining himself but he wanted to grab me and do unimaginable things to me. Things that would make my knees tremble. Things that would make my body yearn even more for him.

I wanted to satisfy him, to give him what he wanted. I wanted him to feel what I feel for him. Gusto kong maramdaman din n’yang kulang ang mga oras na magkasama kami. I wanted him to crave for me too.

So, even with my trembling hands, I took a step forward. I wanted to give myself a standing ovation when my knees didn’t give up on me. Kahit na nakatingin ako sa mga mata n’yang mabibigat ang titig sa ’kin.

His green eyes darkened. I was suddenly reminded of nature when it was in a rage. Iyong kapag may delubyo dahil nagagalit ang kalisakan. The look in his eyes was just like that.

I was scared. It seemed like Killian would eat me whole and he wouldn’t waste any part of me. Wala s’yang ititira.

But I just kept on walking because, despite my fears, I actually felt excited too.

I stopped in front of him. Even with a step between us, I could already feel the warmth in him and it made my desire for him grow stronger. There was something in me that made me want to pull him and initiate a hot kiss.

Shit… What the hell is happening to me?

I gulped that feeling down. Si Killian ay tahimik lang pero ramdam na ramdam ko ang init ng mga titig n’ya. Even without doing anything, he looked so freaking hot.

Slowly, I lift my hands. I reached the hem of his shirt. Hindi ko na naitago pa ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko but Killian didn’t say anything. He just waited for me to do what he wanted.

I looked up at him and my knees almost gave up when I saw the hunger in his eyes. I got what I wanted. I could tell that he desired me too.

Dahan-dahan kong inangat ang laylayan ng shirt n’ya. I did that without taking my eyes off him. I noticed his jaw move as he clenched his teeth. But he just stayed still as I took his shirt off him.

I saw his rock-hard abs as I lifted the shirt more. Inangat ko na ’yon hanggang sa makita ko na ang dibdib n’yang may marka. I was trembling so bad but I continued what I was doing. I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to see more of him.

Mas matangkad si Killian sa ’kin kaya nahirapan pa akong tuluyang hubarin ang shirt n’ya. But I finally did it. He was naked on top in front of me.

It wasn’t the first time that I saw him without the shirt on. But the tension just grew stronger than the last time. I stared at the tattoos on his arm, still fascinated by how cool he looked with them. They fit him so well. I know it must’ve hurt but Killian didn’t look like someone who would get hurt by getting a tattoo.

Sinundan ko ang mga marka hanggang sa dibdib n’ya. Hindi noon natatakpan ang buong dibdib n’ya. But the tattoo covered his shoulders fully. But the center of his chest was still ink free.

Ah… How I want my name or something about me to be inked on that part.

“You’re so fucking beautiful…” he whispered which I clearly heard.

And I knew he was telling the truth. I could see it in his eyes. It made me feel good that this god in front of me could see me as someone so beautiful.

“You should try the clothes on now,” I said but my voice was too soft. Halos hindi ko na nga narinig ang boses ko.

His head tilted to the side. There was still that ruthless glint in his eyes.

“I want to do something else though,” he said.

“What?” I asked kahit na may idea na ako.

He looked at me straight in the eye. His stares were heavy.

“I want to rip your clothes off your body. I want to lick every part of your skin. I’ll make sure that there wouldn’t be any part of you that my tongue would miss.”

Napapikit ako.

“Shit…”

“Then I will fuck you until you wouldn’t be able to forget the feeling of my cock inside your pussy.”

I sucked in a breath. My toes curled. Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko at halos matumba ako sa nakikita kong intesidad sa mga mata n’ya.

“Goodness, Killian. You and your mouth.”

He raised an eyebrow at me.

“Does it bother you?” he asked.

Ilang sandali ko iyong pinag-isipan. Then I shook my head.

“I’m just not used to it.”

He stared at me before he finally closed our distance. Napasinghap ako nang hapitin n’ya ako sa bewang at mas inilapit ang katawan ko sa kanya. I could finally feel his warmth against my skin as if he didn’t want any space between us. And it just made me feel hotter.

“You must know this now, Irina…”

He dipped his head. For a moment, I thought that he was going to kiss me. But he reached for my ears instead. I could feel the movement of his warm lips as he spoke.

“I talk like how I fuck; dirty.”

I shuddered against him. If he wasn’t holding me, I would definitely fall on the carpeted floor. My knees got weak with that and I felt as if all the strength had left my body. Kaya naman kumapit ako sa mga balikat n’ya para kumuha ng suporta.

He looked at me, looking satisfied when he saw how his words affected me. Like shit. Ang lakas ng epekto no’n sa ’kin!

I know I should feel offended. That was… immoral. Pero walang kahit anong ganoon ang nararamdam ko. Instead, I feel excited. I feel nervous. I feel like I didn’t want him to just say those words.

I want him to do it.

Shit… Something must’ve been wrong with me.

Halos hindi pa nga ako nakakabawi sa sinabi n’ya when he caught my lips with his and gave me an intense kiss. I whimpered as soon as I felt those soft and warm lips against mine. Mas lalo akong nawalan ng lakas and I sagged against him. Killian wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me more to his body.

He gave me a kiss that I wasn’t able to answer. It was so intense, more intense than the usual hot kiss he gave me before. Madiin ang pagkakahalik n’ya, halos ayaw na akong lumayo. He was kissing me hard and his lips were moving vigorously against mine.

Mas lalo akong napakapit sa kanya. I was trembling so much but I tried to answer his kiss. The moment I opened my mouth, his tongue delved inside, not giving me time to respond. He was thrusting his tongue inside my mouth, tasting every corner, and I couldn’t do anything but just moan and whimper.

It wasn’t a gentle kiss. It wasn’t even passionate. It was impure and lewd as if he was giving me an example of what he said earlier that he wanted to do with me. Of what he said about the thing of how he talks. But just with his mouth this time.

Killian really knew how to give different kinds of kisses. Nagugulat na lang ako sa iba’t ibang klaseng mga halik na binibigay n’ya. But all of it was good. All of it was leaving me wanting more. All of it just makes me desire him even more.

So, when he stopped the kiss, I whimpered in protest. I didn’t want him to stop. I want more of him.

Killian chuckled against my lips. Mukhang natutuwa sa epektong binibigay n’ya sa ’kin.

“I have to try your designs on,” he said. His lips were brushing mine as he spoke.

Sinimangutan ko s’ya.

“I was trying to tell you that like five minutes ago but you said you wanted to do something else.”

He gave me a smirk.

“Let’s finish that first, shall we?”

“And then?”

He bit my lower lip and I just had to moan! Damn it! Mas pinapatunayan ko sa kanya na gusto kong ituloy n’ya ang ginagawa kanina!

“Then after… I’ll do anything I want to you. And I’m telling you, I wouldn’t hold back. So, you have to ready yourself, Irina.”

“Ready myself for what?”

He stared at me. His eyes turned a shade darker and it was as if I could already see in them what he would do to me.

“I’m ruthless in the bed, love…”

I stared at him. The emotions in my chest were too much that I wasn’t able to manage all of it.

But I smiled at him. I pulled him more towards me.

“Okay,” I said before I claimed his lips.

Chapter 19

WARNING: R18

–

The fitting turned out perfect this time. I was glad that I didn’t have to alter it for the second time. Unlike before na nakakailang adjustments pa ako bago makuha ang perfect fitting ng designs. I always knew that it was one of my weaknesses.

Then… does it mean that I’m improving? Or is it because I knew that it was Killian who would wear it so I exerted more effort than usual unconsciously? Or maybe consciously as I wanted him to think that I have good skills. That I’m good at what I do.

I wanted to impress him. I wanted to receive compliments from him. I wanted him to praise me. To tell me that I did a good job.

Ah… I think I have a problem. He was someone I wanted to avoid before. He was someone I want nothing to do with, and yet right now, gusto ko nang magpa-impress sa kanya. Gusto kong maging maganda at magaling sa paningin n’ya.

It’s funny how my thoughts and impression of him changed drastically.

Killian was sitting quietly at the end of the bed. He was topless but thankfully, he put his khaki shorts on. Still, hindi naman noon nabawasan ang epekto n’ya sa ’kin. Mas lalo pa ngang lumalala sa pagdaan ng oras.

He had his thighs slightly spread as he sat on the bed. Ang mga kamay n’ya ay nakatukod patalikod sa kama, giving me a nice view of his rock-hard abs and tattooed body. He had his head tilted to the side as he watched me fold the clothes he just tried on. His scent lingered on the fabric at pigil na pigil akong amuyin iyon.

Pinipigilan ko rin ang sarili kong mapalingon sa gawi n’ya. Pero damang-dama ko naman ang bigat ng mga titig n’ya. His attention was fully on me even though I wasn’t looking at him. As if there was nothing that interests him right now but me.

I was trying so hard to stop my hands from trembling as I moved. Ayokong mahalata n’ya na grabe ang epekto kahit ng mga titig n’ya lang sa ’kin. I didn’t want him to know that my whole being was screaming for him. I didn’t want him to know that my feelings for him were too intense.

No matter how much I wanted him, no matter how deep the emotions I have for him, there was still that fear in me, telling me that I should still guard my heart.

Killian was used to having flings. Of having a casual relationship. At natatakot akong hindi pareho ang nararamdaman namin. Na kapag nakuha na n’ya ang gusto n’ya sa ’kin, iiwanan na n’ya ako.

Damn it. Ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng ganitong katinding emosyon! Na kahit pa alam ko ang mga bagay na ’yon tungkol sa kanya, handa pa rin akong ibigay ang gusto n’ya.

Alright… I definitely have a problem.

“Once Annika is done with her designs, then we’re all set for the fashion show,” I said as I put the last piece of cloth inside the bag. “Do you need any tips on how to walk on a runway?”

“I’m good. You don’t have to worry about it.”

Wow… Okay. He’s confident so that’s good. Isa pa naman iyon sa pinakakailangang traits sa pagiging model. If he keeps it up, then we wouldn’t have any problem.

Well… Sa tingin ko naman ay hindi talaga kami magkakaroon ng problema. Even if Killian messed up on his walk, the crowd wouldn’t be able to mind it. Hindi nila papansinin iyon sa sobrang gwapo ba naman n’ya. Their attention would be drawn to how good he looked with the designs and how perfect he was that even if he made a mistake, the audience would overlook it.

I put the bag down on the carpeted floor. Pagkatapos ay dumiretso na ako ng tayo at tinitigan ang kama. When I realized that I was looking at Killian’s bed, ibang bagay naman ang binalingan ko. I looked at his bedside table instead but decided to just turn my gaze on the door when it dawned on me that certain furniture still has a ‘bed’ on its name.

Avoid looking at the bed. Avoid looking at the bed.

“Why aren’t you looking at me?” he asked.

I gulped when I heard his voice. Pinanatili ko ang tingin sa pinto. Dalawang bagay na ang iniiwasan kong tingnan sa kwarto n’ya: him and his bed.

Because somehow, annoyingly, what he said earlier didn’t leave my mind even for just a freaking second! Hirap na hirap pa nga akong balewalain ang kaba ko kanina pa!

“Hey…”

Hindi pa rin ako tumingin kay Killian. I would prefer to look at his bed instead of him. He was still naked on the top!

“Love,” he called me, still demanding to look at him.

I always love it whenever he calls me like that.

I heard his harsh exhale as if he was frustrated and irritated.

“Look at me, Irina. I want your eyes on me.”

I stilled as coldness ran through my body. The tone of his voice sounded so… strict. So dominant. That if I still refuse to do what he wanted, it wouldn’t be good for me.

Kaya naman unti-unti akong lumingon sa kanya. And I almost took a step back when I saw the look in his eyes. It was dark and brooding. It was terrifying. His jaw was even set with irritation. He seemed that he was on the verge of disciplining me if I somehow disobeyed him.

“See?” he said. Kita ko pa rin ang inis sa mga mata n’ya. “Was that even hard, Irina?”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Halo-halo kasi ang nararamdaman ko ngayon and it was confusing. Natatakot ako dahil halatang nagalit ko s’ya sa hindi ko pagsunod.

But then… there was also that emotion in my chest that was so opposite from the fear I was feeling. There was even that small part of me that wanted to disobey him just to see what he would do to me.

“Answer me, Irina,” he demanded. His voice sounded so strict.

Ah… So, no more ‘love’ this time. He calls me by my name when I’m disobedient.

“No,” I said.

“Come here.”

Hindi kaagad ako gumalaw. I was so damn nervous, especially since the wicked glint in his eyes was so evident. I already knew that Killian was too much. That I couldn’t handle everything he did. It was as if how intense he was so out of this world and no one would be able to keep up with that. Not even me.

Killian’s existence was hotness itself. He appeared to be hotter than the sun or the hottest thing that had ever existed. And whenever I looked at him, I felt hot, realizing that I had been cold since the day I was born, and I had only been given the heat and the sensation of warmth the moment he entered my life.

I noticed his jaw clenched nang hindi ko kaagad sundin ang sinabi n’ya. So, he made this gesture with his hand. Using his forefinger, he motioned me to come near him. And he looked so dominating and strict as he sat on the bed, pinning me with his gaze as if he was challenging me to disobey and he was already thinking of all the things he would do to discipline me.

He wanted it. He wanted me to disobey. I could tell by the ungodly look in his eyes. He was like the devil, waiting for his sweet little angel to walk into his trap so he could do unholy things to her and taint her innocence. And the devil will not stop until he has corrupted the angel’s purity and turned her into a sinner like him.

And I was that angel, the angel that couldn’t get away from him. The angel who knew that even though he would do evil things to her, she was still drawn to the devil.

So, I took a step towards him. He was just staring at me, watching me walk near him. Watching me as I step into the danger that he set only for me.

I stopped in front of him. His thighs were slightly apart but the space was enough for me. Killian’s eyes never left mine. He didn’t move kahit na ginawa ko na ang gusto n’ya. Hinihintay n’ya ang susunod na gagawin ko.

With a gulp, I took another step until I was in the space between his thighs. I didn’t look away from him as I did so kaya naman kitang-kita ko ang bahagyang pag-angat ng sulok ng mga labi n’ya. It was a triumphant smirk as if he knew so well that I wouldn’t be able to resist him.

He quickly wrapped his arms around my thighs and pulled me closer to him. Agad kong ipinatong ang mga kamay ko sa mga balikat n’ya. His skin felt so good under my palm. I like feeling his warmth. I like feeling him. And I knew that this closeness wasn’t even enough for me.

Killian knew that. Para bang nababasa n’ya ang nasa isip ko. Kaya naman bahagya n’ya akong inangat. I almost yelped but held onto his shoulders more for support as he set me on his lap. My legs were straddling him. Umangat ang skirt ng dress ko pero hindi ko na pinansin even when my thighs were fully shown on him.

His hands caressed their way on my bare thighs until I felt him grab my behind. I yelped, startled by the sudden move and the sensation I felt. Mas napalapit ako sa katawan n’ya at dumiin ang pagkakaupo ko sa kandungan n’ya.

“This is where your ass should belong,” Killian said. His face was so near I could already smell his fresh minty breath. “On my lap.”

And it was as if he couldn’t get enough, he grabbed my ass again and pressed me down even more on his lap until I could feel the bulge inside his shorts in between my legs. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at hindi makapaniwalang napatitig sa kanya. Napadiin ang pagkakahawak ko sa mga balikat n’ya.

“I have a hard-on ever since I put my tongue inside your mouth, Irina… Remember those things I said I would do to you?”

“Killian…” rinig ko ang panginginig sa boses ko. Nag-iinit na ang pakiramdam ko.

“Do you remember, Irina?” he demanded when I didn’t answer his question.

I nodded. Pakiramdam ko ay nanghihina ako sa mga bagay na ipinaparamdam n’ya sa ’kin at sa mga sinasabi n’ya. My heart started to beat so fast and loud that I was sure he was aware of it. Pero hindi n’ya inalis ang mabigat na titig sa mukha ko.

“I couldn’t wait to fuck you,” anas n’ya. At para mas mapatunayan ang sinasabi n’ya, idiniin n’ya ulit ang balakang ko sa kanya, making me aware how much he wanted me. He even guided my hips to slighty move so my center was brushing his bulge.

“Oh, fuck…” I couldn’t help but breathe out.

“Yes, love… Fuck. I’m going to fuck you senseless until you forgot your name and the only thing you’d be aware of is my name and my cock inside your sweet cunt.”

He thrust his hips upwards as he pressed me down. Ramdam na ramdam ko tuloy ang bukol sa gitna n’ya. It was just a bulge but I was already aware of how big he was. Inulit n’ya ang ginawa kasabay ng paghalik sa nakakaliting parte ng leeg ko.

I whimpered at the sensation. I was already trying to catch my breath as I felt that the air that I was inhaling wasn’t enough. I parted my lips as I looked up, giving Killian more access to my neck. Pinagbigyan n’ya naman ako at bahagyang kinagat ang balat sa leeg ko, at the same time, thrusting his hips upwards again as he guided my hips to move above him, brushing my center on his bulge. A soft gasp escaped from my lips before letting out another whimper.

“Fuck, Irina,” Killian breathe out next to my ear. His breath was tickling me, adding more pleasure. “I need to hear you make that sound when my cock is inside you.”

Shit… Killian is a dirty talker. His words were filthy and he wasn’t even holding back. As if he didn’t care how it would affect me, if it would scare me that I’d go running away from him or I would actually like it and get excited.

But I think it was both for me. I was getting scared, and nervous but at the same time, getting excited as well. I like how he dirty talks. I like him being filthy. I don’t want him to hold back.

I felt his hand caress the way up my back while the other one was still grabbing my behind, squeezing it as he pressed me down on his lap. Ang kamay n’yang humahaplos sa likod ko ay umangat pa. He wrapped his hand around my nape, pressing on my veins that made me gasp. He pulled my head towards him. Pinagdikit n’ya ang mga noo namin at tinitigan ako. He thrust his hips upward again, making me gasp but it died in my mouth when he captured my lips with his. My eyes closed automatically as I focus on the feeling of his warm lips and wet tongue.

It was a ruthless kiss. There wasn’t any gentleness in the way he was kissing me right now. He didn’t even give me the chance to keep up with him as if he just wanted to taste my mouth and couldn’t care less if I couldn’t give the same ferocity of his kiss.

He thrust his tongue inside my mouth, tasting every corner, sucking on my tongue as he did so. Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang umungol lang at kumapit ng mas mahipit sa mga balikat n’ya. My nails were digging on his skin but Killian didn’t give any indication that I was hurting him. He just seemed to be enjoying my mouth and nothing else mattered.

Slowly, he laid himself down on the bed and I just followed him. I was on top of him. My breasts were pressing on his naked chest. Sinusubukan ko pa ring sumabay sa paraan ng paghalik n’ya. I needed to release the heat I was feeling. I needed more. I wanted more.

The hand that was grabbing my ass slid down until Killian was stroking my folds through my underwear. I whimpered. Napatigil ako sa paghalik sa kanya at mas napaungol dahil sa paglalaro ng mga daliri n’ya sa gitna ko. I was already wet, I knew that. And I knew that Killian could feel it through the cloth.

“So perfect,” I heard Killian say. Napadilat ako. He wasn’t looking at me but at something behind me. At something above me.

Then I remember the mirror on the ceiling. He could clearly see us right now through the mirror. And I wanted to look at us too.

And Killian seemed to always know what I wanted. Siguro ay nagpakita iyon sa mukha ko dahil nakita kong nakatitig na s’ya sa ’kin. He rolled over, taking me with him. Pinagpalit n’ya ang posisyon namin. This time, he was on top of me and I was under him.

I quickly look up to see our reflection in the mirror on the ceiling and it almost sets me on the edge. Killian’s back was so broad and it was covering my body. His back was clean of tattoos and I had this urge to mark his skin. My legs were on either side of him. My knees bent habang ang mga paa ko ay nakalapat sa kama. And I could see my face between his neck and shoulders and I couldn’t even recognize myself.

My face was flushed. My swollen lips were parted. Nakasabog ang mahaba kong buhok sa kama. The pleasure was clearly written on my face.

“You’re getting wetter,” Killian whispered. His fingers were still stroking me. “You like it, don’t you, love? You like it when I’m pinning you down on the bed. You like my fingers playing with your cunt.”

And to prove it more, ipinasok n’ya ang kamay n’ya sa loob ng underwear ko. He slid a finger in between my folds, stroking it slowly which was both torture and pleasure for me. Kumawala ang ungol sa lalamunan ko at kitang-kitang ko sa reflection sa salamin ang naging reaksyon ko. Killian was staring at my face, watching my expression so he saw what I saw.

Even my body reacted to him. Napaangat ang balakang ko, hinahabol ang daliri n’ya as if I couldn’t get enough. I want more. But Killian seemed like he was enjoying torturing me as he took his hands back.

“Killian!” I said frustration was evident in my voice.

“Sshh, love… I have a better idea.”

I looked at him. He was kneeling between my legs and the view was so erotic. Hinawakan n’ya ang mga tuhod ko. His hands caressed down to my thighs up to my hips and waist. My dress lifted with his movements. Humahaplos ang mga kamay n’ya sa katawan ko kasabay ng pag-angat ng dress ko.

He took off my dress in that way. I was left with only my undies. Bumalik ang paghaplos n’ya sa katawan ko. His rough and calloused hands caressed the sides of my waist as if he was memorizing my curves.

“Look up, Irina,” he said. “I want you to watch how I will eat your pussy through the mirror above. I want you to watch how beautiful you look as I make you come with my mouth.”

“Oh, God…” I whimpered. Pinagpapawisan ako sa mga sinasabi n’ya.

“I said look up, Irina,” he commanded. His voice was so firm and demanding. “See what I’m going to see.”

I stared at him for a while before I finally looked up in the mirror. And it was what he was waiting for before he went down on me, kissing my tummy first as he worked his lips way down. I was whimpering as I felt his warm lips on every inch of my skin, giving me a hot and wet kiss on those parts. And I could see my reactions to what he was doing in the mirror above.

It was embarrassing to see how much I reacted to everything he was doing. I saw how I whimpered and took air through my parted lips. I saw how hard I was breathing, my chest moving as I inhaled and exhaled. It was embarrassing and yet… watching us through the mirror added to the sensation I felt.

Killian went down. He kissed my folds through my panties and I gasped as my hands grabbed the sheets, looking for something to hold on to as I couldn’t take it anymore. Especially when Killian finally took off my underwear leaving me with just my brassier on.

“Would you look at you?” Killian said and I looked at him. He was staring at me before his eyes moved down to the part between my legs. “You look so fucking hot spreading your legs wider for me and I could see your sweet wet pussy begging.”

“Please, Killian…” I breathe out. I didn’t even have any idea what I was begging for.

“Eyes on the mirror, Irina. Be a good girl and do what I fucking say.”

I wanted him to do something. Hindi ko alam kung ano. I was craving for something I didn’t even know but it seemed like Killian knew about it. S’ya lang ang nakakaalam ng kung ano’ng gusto ko at mukhang hindi n’ya ibibigay sa ’kin ’yon kung hindi ko gagawin ang gusto n’ya.

So, I looked in the mirror again. I’m willing to do anything he says as long as he gives me what I need, what I wanted.

I almost had goosebumps when I saw how I looked. I was naked from the waist down. My legs were spread apart, waiting for Killian to do something. I’ve never imagined I would see myself in this position, at this moment. I’ve never even imagined letting Killian do everything he wanted to me.

But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t get away from him. There’s no escaping him. I was already under his mercy the first time I saw those dark green eyes.

Killian dipped his head down and planted a kiss on my folds. My body jerked and I automatically tried to close my eyes to the sensation that suddenly attacked me. It was too much, too intense for me that I was worried it would be the end of me kung patuloy ko iyong mararamdaman.

But Killian held my thighs down, spreading me even wider, preventing me from moving. I let out a cry when I finally felt his warm tongue licking my folds. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from screaming when I felt his tongue graze on my clit I almost exploded right on the spot.

Pero mukhang hindi ganoon ang gusto ni Killian. He wanted to torture me so he avoided my clit this time. He was just licking my folds with his flattened tongue, lapping on it like a wild animal that was deprived of water. I wanted him to pay attention to my bud but he was holding me down and I couldn’t move.

I looked at him. The view of his head between my legs was too much for me to bear but I wanted to watch him. He looked like he was enjoying what he was doing while I was being tortured ’cause he was not giving me what I want.

“Killian, please…” I begged him. “I want more.”

He looked at me. Our gazes connect when he was still licking my folds. The look in his eyes was mixed with ruthlessness and pleasure. His eyes darkened even more. He was a view of a devil enjoying giving someone a punishment.

I knew it. Una pa lang, alam ko nang ganoon nga s’ya. I already knew from the start that he was someone who finds enjoyment in torturing people.

“You want my mouth, don’t you, Irina?” he said. He had this wild look in his eyes as if he wasn’t going to give me any mercy even if I beg for it. “You want me to eat this wet little pussy until you come on my face and I’ll lick you dry after.”

“Yes…” mabilis kong sagot. My mind was clouded. I was chasing something and Killian was the only one who could give it to me. “Yes. Make me come, please.”

“Then spread your legs wide. And keep your eyes on the fucking mirror.”

Mabilis kong sinunod ang sinabi n’ya. I spread myself wider for him and looked at the reflection in the mirror. I was still looking when I felt him lick my folds again.

I whimpered. It was a sound I didn’t expect I could even make. I was begging but kept my eyes on the mirror as I savored the feeling of Killian’s tongue lapping my folds.

I was already on the edge. I was barely hanging. Ang init-init ng pakiramdam ko at halos hindi na ako makahinga. I was panting. Mahigpit pa rin ang pagkakakapit ko sa bedsheet as I waited for my orgasm.

So, when Killian bit my folds, I came hard. I was screaming as white spots blinded me. My hips lifted on the bed and my hands grabbed his hair, pushing his face more between my legs. I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing. It was as if my body had a mind of its and it wanted Killian to be with it as I reached my peak.

It was a long orgasm. Pakiramdam ko nga ay walang katapusan iyon dahil hindi pa rin tumitigil si Killian sa ginagawa n’ya. He was sucking my clit, finally, as I rode my orgasm and it was making it more intense. I was screaming so loud that my throat started to hurt.

“Holy fuck!” I breathe out as my orgasm subsided.

But still, Killian didn’t even stop. He was still sucking on my clit hard as his tongue played with that bundle of nerves. I think I was already crying. I was still sensitive and my body started to jerk so much. I watched all of that in the mirror above.

“Oh, God! Kill!”

I reached my second orgasm. I closed my eyes trying to stop my body from trembling but Killian still wasn’t stopping. I was already sobbing as I couldn’t manage everything I was feeling right now. I was so sensitive and it was making me go crazy. And if Killian wouldn’t stop soon, I think I would really go crazy any minute now.

But he was really ruthless. There wasn’t any mercy in him as he continued torturing me. I was already gasping for air. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay hindi na ako humihinga. Hindi na ako makahinga sa sobra-sobrang intesidad ng ginagawa n’ya.

Shit… When he said he was ruthless in bed, I didn’t know that he meant this. I thought he was just rough. Halata ko naman ’yon sa kanya sa paraan pa lang ng paghalik n’ya sa ’kin. But I didn’t know that he would also torture me. As if he was already giving me punishment, an advance punishment, if I somehow ever disobeyed him in the future.

This was a mix of torment and fulfillment. I was crying with the overflowing sensation and pleasure. But yet, I wanted it. I wanted the feeling of what he was doing to me. I wanted him to please me. I wanted him torturing me.

I couldn’t count how many orgasms I had when Killian finally stopped when he finally had his fill. I was spent up. Pagod na pagod ang pakiramdam ko. Parang wala nang itinirang kahit anong lakas si Killian sa katawan ko. I was still panting, gasping for air as I tried to catch my breath.

When Killian knelt on the bed, I saw his mouth glisten with my juices. He did what he said. He did lick me dry. He even drank all my juices.

“You didn’t even give me time to recover in between my orgasm,” I said. My voice was hoarse. Naramdaman ko rin ang pananakit ng lalamunan ko.

He chuckled wickedly. There was even a slight smirk on his lips. He didn’t even look apologetic for what he did.

“I couldn’t help it,” he said. “You just taste of fucking good I could eat you up all fucking day. But I still wouldn’t be able to get enough of you.”

I sighed. I let myself rest on the bed. Napatingin ulit ako sa salamin sa taas. And I saw a girl who looked tired but there was a satisfied glow on her face.

Killian laid down beside me. Ang ulo ko lang ang ginalaw ko nang tingnan ko s’ya. He was looking at me as if he didn’t torture me and made me cry few minutes ago.

Ipinaunan n’ya ang isang braso sa ’kin at hinapit ako palapit sa katawan n’ya. He wiped the tears on the corner of my eyes. He kissed me on the forehead before he pulled me close to his body.

“Rest, love. You need your energy for what I will do to you later.”

Oh, my goodness. This man is insatiable.

Chapter 20

WARNING: R18

---

But Killian didn’t give me enough time to rest.

I was still breathing so hard, trying to catch my breath. My chest continued to rise and fall. I was starting to worry I wouldn’t be able to recover from what I’d just experienced. It was my first time feeling something so intense as this. My whole body was violently shaking from the mind-wrecking orgasm Killian just gave me.

He gave me wave after wave of powerful orgasms, one after another. He didn’t let me breathe for a second in between so my body and mind were still recovering from the experience. I even thought that he was trying to kill me but the pleasure he was making me feel was too much that I had a second thought about it. Between the two of us, I was certain that I enjoyed what he did more than him.

But then, maybe Killian was really trying to kill me. With pleasure, though.

Wala na yatang natitirang lakas sa katawan ko. Dinig ko pa nga ang mabibigat kong paghinga. Killian told me to rest. But I think it would take me a day before I could completely recover. Pero sa tingin ko ay hindi magkakapaghintay ng ganoong katagal si Killian.

It only took a second before I realized that I was right. Hindi nga makakapaghintay ng isang araw si Killian. Because after he let me lay down in bed and let me use his arm as a pillow, it took only seconds before he rolled on top of me again.

He looked down at me. I could still see the lust in his eyes na sa hula ko ay hindi naman nawala. His stares were so potent and fierce that they made his deep green eyes go a shade darker.

There was something so fiery in them. That even looking in those green orbs, I could already see what he was planning to do with me.

I saw hunger. As if he just didn’t want to take me. He wanted to devour me. And he wouldn’t leave even crumbs of me.

“Change of plans, love,” he said. Even his voice sounded so dark, so dark that it made his black sheets pale. “I’m going to fuck you now.”

Goodness. Just those words, just with his words and I think it would set me on edge again.

And Killian, whom I realized has no patience in bed, closed our distance and crashed his lips on mine. He didn’t give me time to recover, to answer him, or to take a breath as he kissed me fiercely. A moan escaped from my lips but it got muffled against his mouth as he delved with his wet and warm tongue inside my mouth. Napakapit kaagad ako sa mga balikat n’ya dahil pakiramdam ko ay kailangan kong kumuha ng lakas mula sa kanya dahil nanghihina na agad ako sa halik n’ya pa lang.

I thought I was going to faint as he kissed— no, ravaged my mouth. I wasn’t able to take a breath before he kissed me so I was already struggling for air. But I still tried to kiss him back. I wanted to kiss him back. I wanted to answer his kisses with the same ferocity he was giving me.

But there was no way to keep up with Killian. He was savage in bed. No. Kahit hindi naman sa kama. He was always savage, so ruthless when giving me pleasure. When kissing me. It was conflicting. Dahil sa bawat rahas ng galaw n’ya ay ang masarap na pakiramdam na ibinibigay n’ya sa ’kin.

I was confused. I didn’t know I wanted something like this. That I wanted a man like him. I always like being on the safe side. I didn’t want danger. I didn’t want to get hurt. And yet with Killian, I was willing to jump off the bridge.

I was already at my limit. I couldn’t breathe. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa intesidad ng halik n’ya o dahil nauubusan na ako ng hangin. My fingers clawed on his shoulders and I was so sure it would leave marks. I was already hanging on the thread to keep my consciousness as my ears were already ringing. I could already see white spots against my closed eyelids. At any second now, I knew I would faint.

And maybe Killian was really trying to kill me. Naramdaman ko ang paggapang ng isang kamay n’ya papuntang leeg ko. He wrapped his hand around my neck but didn’t put enough pressure. His fingers just pressed lightly on the sides giving me a sensation that pooled on the part between my legs. I was moaning. I was whimpering, trying to beg him to stop so I could breathe. Or to give me more even though it was too much for me.

And then, just a fraction, Killian pulled away. His lips were still brushing mine when he spoke.

“Breathe.”

I did.

I tried to take a breath. Maingay pa ang naging paghinga ko and I just realized right then how my lungs were struggling for air and that it hurts when I tried to take a breath. I wasn’t able to take enough air when my breathing was cut short as Killian kissed me fiercely again the same time that he put more pressure on his fingers that were pressing on the sides of my neck.

I moaned loudly against his mouth. My body was writhing with pleasure. Hindi ko alam na kahit halik lang ay kaya na pa lang magbigay ng ganitong pakiramdam. Nakakabaliw. My body was on fire so I began to think I would explode any time now. I didn’t know what to do. This was all too much but… I wanted more.

Maybe I was still sensitive and still recovering from earlier but Killian did something like this already that’s why the effect was too much. Or maybe… Killian has just this kind of effect.

And he knew that. He knew what was happening to me as I felt his smile against my lips. It was frustrating. It seemed like he was enjoying how I felt so conflicted right now. That he knew I was craving him to do more.

“I can’t wait to slide my cock inside you,” he dared say when I was already struggling here.

“Please,” I breathe out. It naturally came out of my lips. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted him to do.

But he knew. Killian always knew. As he let out a menacing chuckle.

“Please what, Irina?”

Goodness.

I bit my lower lip. I didn’t know. I didn’t have any idea what to tell him.

My gaze passed by him and I stared at the mirror above us. His broad back, clean of any ink, was covering my body and I just realized how small I looked against him. My face was flushed. My lips were swollen. My hair was loose on the sheets. I looked like a woman begging for something. Something that Killian definitely knew.

My focus was on the reflection in the mirror kaya hindi ko namalayan na ang kamay n’yang nasa leeg ko ay bumaba. His hand cupped the part between my legs and I yelped which turned into a moan when his fingers started to play with my still-sensitive bud.

“I will not fucking ask again,” he grumbled and flicked my clit and I let out a cry.

“I don’t know!” I answered his question earlier, half-crying.

“But this wet pussy tells me you definitely know what you what, love. So, be my good girl and tell me the truth.”

Holy fuck.

So, this is how he is in bed. This shouldn’t surprise me. One look at him and every girl would know that Killian could make all their fantasies come true. But knowing and having to experience it firsthand are two extremely different things.

I whimpered a cry when Killian pressed hard on my clit, clearly impatient at my slow answer. So, I looked him in the eye which was a mistake because it just set me over the edge.

“I want more,” I said, letting my feelings speak. “Give me more, please.”

He smirked devilishly. I should be scared of him and yet I started to anticipate what he would do to me.

“You want my cock then?”

Goodness.

“Kill…”

“Answer me.” He pressed hard on my clit again and my mind clouded.

“Yes! Oh, God…”

Killian chuckled.

“Good girl.”

My answer seemed to satisfy him. He pushed himself up, kneeling on the bed between my legs. I was embarrassed. I was bare-naked in front of him and I wanted to cover myself. But I didn’t do anything and just watched him when he started to unbutton his shorts.

Shit…

Excitement and anticipation filled my chest. Pinanood ko ang bawat galaw n’ya. I didn’t know that watching a man take off his clothes could give me so much pleasure.

And when he finally took his last clothes off him, I gasped.

He was long and big. He was huge. I mean, I wasn’t really that innocent as Annika showed me a bunch of pictures of that male body part. But there was nothing of them that could compare to what I was seeing right now.

My pulse quickened. I gulped. Nakatitig pa rin ako sa parteng iyon and Killian wasn’t doing anything. As if he was waiting to take in the size of his cock.

“I…” I wet my lips. “It won’t fit me,” I dumbly said which made him chuckle.

“It will,” he assured me. “You can take me.”

Shit, I don’t know. Ang laki n’ya! I was so sure it would… destroy me.

I stared at his length. My lips parted. My mind was still trying to process and imagine how it would fit something as huge as that inside of me.

And then, I noticed something. I blinked. I used my elbow to prop myself up slightly on the bed to look at it clearly.

He has piercings. It wasn’t just one, but two frenum piercings.

The first one was right on the underside of his shaft while the second piercing was half an inch below it.

I could see the four metal ball ends of the barbel piercing just on the underside of his shaft. And I didn’t know why they looked mesmerizing against his skin that it took me a while to stare at it.

I knew having a piercing hurt when you get them. But it surely hurts more when men get a piercing on their shaft as it was the most sensitive body part for them.

But then, it was Killian. May palagay pa nga akong hindi s’ya nasaktan nang ipagawa n’ya ang mga iyon.

Sensation pooled on the part between my legs. Goodness. Just looking at it was making my body feel hotter and I was worried it would combust.

“The rumor was true,” I breathe out. “You have a frenum piercing.”

My hands fisted on the sheets. I needed to hold onto something and the sheets were the only thing around me that I could hold right now. I need to stop myself from reaching out, from touching his cock just to know what it would feel like to hold it in my hand. I wanted to stop myself from caressing those metal balls with my thumb as I was already imagining its cold feeling against my soft skin.

“So, you heard about it,” I heard Killian say.

Napaangat agad ang tingin ko sa kanya. I heard something in his voice, something… dark. At mas nakita ko iyon sa mga mata n’ya.

He chuckled. He looked at me as if he knew something about me. As if he knew my deepest darkest secret.

He crawled his way on top of me. His eyes are not leaving mine. He had this predatory look in his eyes as if I was his prisoner and he was ready to torture me so I would spill all my secrets on him.

“You imagined it, don’t you, Irina?” he whispered in my ear. His lips were brushing my ear and his warm breath fanned my skin making me shiver. “You imagined how my cock looks with its piercing.”

“No,” I tried to deny it just to save face.

Because I did. A lot of times. At first, I was just curious. He was the only one I heard of that had a piercing on that part of the male’s body. Ni hindi ko nga alam na pwede pa lang magpalagay ng piercing sa parteng iyon.

But when Killian started to make me feel things, give me sensations… Lust. My curiosity jumped to something else. Something dark. Something indecent. Something impure which made me realize I wasn’t as innocent as I thought I was.

He tsked. He clearly knew I was lying and he wasn’t happy about it.

“Tell me the fucking truth or you wouldn’t like the consequence, Irina…”

To make a point, he thrust his hips, and his length made contact with my sensitive folds. I whimpered, letting out a needy moan as I wanted to have more. I wanted him to hit something which he missed with that single thrust.

Killian stared at me, chuckling before he bit my earlobe.

“But then, maybe you’ll like it. I can see your wet cunt is begging for it.”

He thrust his hips again and my hips shamelessly followed his move. I heard him smirk against my ear before he did it again.

I moaned. Fuck. My mind was already clouded with lust. Pakiramdam ko nga ay mababaliw ako. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko na kilala ang katawan ko. My body was already under his mercy.

“Should I fuck you bare?” he whispered. His voice was rasp and full of unfathomable lust. “You’ll feel my cock and the piercings that you seem to love directly inside you. Do you want that, hmm?”

Goosebumps ran down my entire body. I was terrified but the excitement in me was more intense.

It was something that I wanted. That was the thing that has been on my mind since I heard about his piercing. It was an idea I didn’t want to entertain because it seemed so wrong.

I wasn’t like this before. But Killian was making my body like this. He was giving me impure thoughts that I didn’t want to admit to myself.

Because I was always wondering how it would feel when his pierced cock if it was inside of me. I was wondering how it would feel to have sex with him.

“Answer me, Irina, or you won’t get anything,” he said, clearly getting impatient.

I opened my mouth but closed it again. We both knew what my answer would be. Killian clearly knew about it but he liked to torture me and wanted me to admit it myself.

I looked at the mirror above. I was able to see myself. And right then, as I looked at my reflection, seeing my eyes, I understood why Killian seemed to know what I wanted.

Because I could see it clearly in my eyes. The lust and the need in me that only Killian could satisfy. Even my body was speaking for myself. I could see in the reflection how my hands gripped his arm, my fingers digging into his skin as my body begged him to give me what I need.

“Yes,” I whispered, staring at myself in the mirror. “Do it, Killian. Give me all of you.”

Killian looked at me. I saw the ruthlessness in his eyes as he gritted his eyes. As if he was trying to restrain himself.

“Then be a good girl and spread your legs wide. Your body is mine tonight.”

He pushed himself up, kneeling between my legs again as he waited for me to do what he said. He was staring at me, and I didn’t have time to feel embarrassed because he didn’t give me the chance with the look that he had in his eyes right now.

Slowly, I spread my legs more for him. Mula sa mga mata ko ay napunta ang tingin n’ya sa parteng iyon ng katawan ko. That part between my legs. That certain part that was begging for him, for his attention. And now, he was giving it to me.

Something terrifying flashed in his eyes as he looked at my folds and I let out a whimper with just his stares. I couldn’t even believe it. Sa titig n’ya lang ay ganoon na agad ang nagiging reaksyon ko.

And then, he stroked a finger on my folds, giving that needy part a caress. I couldn’t help the moan that escaped my lips. I didn’t care how I sounded. All I care about was how Killian was making me feel right now.

“I’m going to show you who owns this pussy.”

Goodness. I swear. His dirty talks will kill me one of these days.

He rocked his hips. The head of his cock parted my folds. I sucked in a breath. My vision blurred with the sensation. It was already there, just right at my opening. And I knew, I knew that if I move my hips, it would sink in me.

I bit my lower lip as Killian stroked his length. It was a lewd scene and I just watched, mesmerized at how good he looked right now. He looked dominant. He looked ruthless. And yet I did nothing to get away from him. I just lay there, watching him, waiting for his next move.

He thrust his hips and the head of his cock entered me. I moaned so loud. I could feel the cold metal of the ball ends of his first piercing right against my opening.

“Holy shit,” I breathed. My chest rises and falls as I try to suck in a breath. I was slightly trembling.

And then, Killian rammed his cock inside me to the hilt.

I gasped loudly. I stayed still. The pain was blinding me so I closed my eyes tightly. My mouth parted as I tried to suck in a breath but just a small movement was making the pain more intense.

He was so fucking huge and every inch of his cock was inside of me. I felt like dying. There was nothing I could feel right now but pain.

“It hurts,” I cried out. Tears fell from my eyes.

It hurts so fucking bad. He entered me brutally. There was no gentleness when he took me and I suddenly wonder why Annika said that sex feels good when it hurts so much!

“Sshhh… Breathe, love. Breathe,” Killian tried to soothe me.

He caressed my body. This time, his touch was gentle. It was so gentle that I was confused about how his movement changed so instantly like this. From the curves of my waist, he caressed me down to my hips. And then his fingers started to play on my numbing clit.

I tried to breathe just as he instructed. I opened my eyes and my reflection was staring back at me. Killian was watching me as his fingers played with my clit.

Ilang sandali kong sinubukan huminga. It took a while before I finally managed to breathe properly. The pain was subsiding. Meron pa rin akong sakit na nararamdaman pero hindi na gaano. Mas lamang na ang init na nararamdaman ko. I felt the pleasure inside my tummy and I was moaning again.

When Killian noticed it, he started to withdraw his cock lightly. I gasped. There was still slight pain but the pleasure and lust took over. My hips moved with him but he gripped them steadily, preventing me from making any move.

I looked at Killian and he was looking down at our joined bodies as he continued to pull out. But before he could pull himself out completely, he stopped, leaving only the head of his cock inside me.

He swiped two of his fingers up his length and I saw him eyeing the blood on his fingertips. And then, he did something so filthy.

He shoved his blood-coated fingertips inside his mouth, tasting my blood.

A whimper escaped from my lips as I saw what he did. It was dirty. And yet… it made me feel more aroused. I could feel myself getting wet even more, especially when I heard his growl as he licked the blood off his fingertips.

Killian looked at me. He held my knees up. His gaze was so intense.

“I owned your pussy now, love,” he said and shoved his cock back in me which made me moan so loud. “I owned all of you.”

He started to pound himself to the hilt deep inside me. The movement was so rough. There was no gentleness in it as if he wanted to show me that he wasn’t giving me any mercy. He didn’t even care if it was my first time. He was thrusting his hips so savagely, knocking all the air inside my lungs.

All I could do was moan and cry out with the sensation. It felt so amazing. The pain finally left me and I realized it was the only thing that kept me sane with what Killian was making me feel.

And now, I feel like I would go crazy with how his cock feels inside of me.

His moves were ruthless. He didn’t give me the chance to think of anything other than him pounding roughly inside of me. Wala na akong ibang maisip pa. I didn’t have the chance to think about his piercing anymore.

But maybe, those piercings added to the sensation. Pakiramdam ko kasi talaga ay mababaliw na ako. I was on the verge of going insane and there was no saving me.

“Your pussy is fucking perfect,” I heard Killian say and it set me over the edge. My hands gripped the sheets.

Then Killian hooked his arm under my thighs as he spread my legs more, stretching me wider. He dropped his weight on top of me. My knees touched my chest as Killian continued to thrust his hips so savagely that the bed vibrated with his move.

I was near. I knew I was near and Killian felt it as my walls clenched around him. He dropped one of my thighs without him stopping and his hand reached for my neck.

“That’s it, love. Remember how my cock feels inside of you.”

Of course, I would remember this. I don’t even think I would forget this feeling. It was too much. Too much that I was crying with pleasure right now.

“Oh, God…” I whimpered. I bit my lower lip as heat pooled in my stomach.

Killian pressed a kiss hard on my lips.

“Killian, love,” he said against my lips. “Not God. Killian.”

Goodness fuck. He was too much!

“Killian,” I moaned his name. “Please…”

I was near. I didn’t want this to be over but I was already at my limit.

“Promise me one thing, Irina.”

“Anything!” I choke. “Please.”

“I want this pussy to come all over my cock.”

I gasped which cut off when Killian pressed his mouth against mine. Just like how he was pounding inside me, his kisses were rough. His tongue delved inside my mouth so savagely as if he was also fucking my mouth. And I couldn’t do anything but accept all of him.

I wrapped my arms around his body. My nails scratched his back, leaving a mark on his ink-free skin. And I wanted it. I wanted to leave my mark on his skin.

His fingers pressed the side of my neck, putting more pressure. I needed to breathe but his tongue was still fucking my mouth. White spots already blinding my vision and I was so fucking near.

And then he fucked me harder. Ball deep. His mouth finally left mine but I still wasn’t able to take a breath with how intense he was thrusting his hips. He put his mouth right next to my ear. And when he spoke, his voice sounded dark and dominant with his command.

“Come.”

And I did, straight away.

The orgasm I had this time was nothing compared to what he gave me before. It was blinding, deafening, and made my body tremble so much as I reached my peak. I wasn’t able to breathe as Killian continued to thrust his hips, prolonging my orgasm.

“Fuck!” I heard Killian growl.

His moves became more intense. He was pounding faster and harder. At hindi pa ako nakakababa sa mataas na pakiramdam na ’yon when another orgasm hit me again. My walls clenched his length so hard and I think that set Killian over the edge,

A few more thrusts and Killian withdrew his cock. He stroked his length and shoot his warm load into my stomach as I cried out before my orgasm subside.

I breathe hard. Maingay ang naging paghinga ko at binawi ko ang hanging nawala sa ’kin. My lungs hurt so much as I took several deep breaths. I was breathing so hard. Strength completely leaving my body.

I felt so tired. Exhausted. Wala na akong lakas para iangat man lang ang mga braso ko. I just lay ther, unmoving as I tried to catch a deep.

I looked at Killian. He was watching me. The predatory look was still in his eyes and I knew he still wanted me.

Holy fuck. Does he ever get tired?

I heard him take a deep breath.

“Still beautiful,” he muttered. “Fucking unbelievable.”

I frowned at him.

“What?”

He stared at me for a while. There was something in his eyes I couldn’t read. And then, he shook his head.

“Rest, love. I let you take a rest this time.”

He got off the bed, not minding his nakedness as he walked towards the cabinet to take something. When he came back, I saw him holding a roll of tissue.

He knelt between my legs again. He started cleaning me, wiping my stomach as he caressed my thighs.

“Rest, Irina,” his tone was gentle.

I gulped down the emotion I felt from his care and gentleness before I closed my eyes.

Chapter 21

We were all in the backstage area in the auditorium. Our college has its own auditorium in which the stage and the setup were designed to mimic those runway stages in a real fashion show, where the stage was extended for the catwalk and some of the seats were on each side, facing the runway at ang ibang upuan ay nakaharap sa buong stage. The venue was already full of people and I could even hear them here in the backstage area. Ibig sabihin, talagang marami ngang tao ang dumating.

I was trying so damn hard not to let the nervousness get into me. I didn’t want to fail now just because I couldn’t calm my nerves. I needed to get my shits straight. After all of those stressful and tiring days of creating the designs and making them into clothes, this was the last step for our final exam.

Today would finally be our fashion show. My block mates and their models were all here backstage, so the place was kinda cramping since this was also our dressing room. There were vanity mirrors to do makeup, and clothes racks were everywhere that were provided for us where we could hang all our designs.

There were two people in each team, and since we were twenty in class, there were ten teams plus one model for each team. Some were already panicking as there were unexpected malfunctions in their wardrobes and they were trying to fix it with the little time they had before the start of the show.

Hindi ko na lang pinapansin ang mga nasa paligid ko. I was afraid that their panic and nervousness would affect me. So, I just focused on Killian while I was fixing his hair. I was trying to match his hairstyle with our theme, the men’s fall collection.

But fuck me. My hands were trembling so much. Hindi ko nga magawang ikalat nang maayos ang wax sa buhok niya. His hair that I love to touch felt soft as feathers. I always love the feeling of the strands between my fingers but that was in a very different scenario and not now where I think I could die of nervousness that I was trying to ignore.

Hindi ko nga alam kung saan ako mas kinakabahan, kung sa fashion show ba na magsisimula lang maya-maya o sa mga titig ni Killian na kanina pa hindi naaalis sa akin. He was staring really hard at me since I started styling his hair. I mean, I should be glad that he was staying still and it should be easy for me to style his hair but that wasn’t the case right now.

I thought I was already immune to him. O hindi kaya, nabawasan man lang ang naging epekto niya sa akin hindi katulad noon. Kung saan halos lahat ng galaw niya ay nagpapakaba na sa ’kin.

I thought that would be the case. Akala ko ay masasanay na ako especially since after that night we shared together, Killian became so… clingy and touchy. Clingy as in, he never left my side. Which wasn’t a problem since he was our model anyway and we needed to plan for the fashion show with him.

And touchy as in he always finds the time and ways to touch me. To kiss me. Even if we were in front of a lot of people.

Just like now.

Ibinaba ko muna ang mga kamay ko para saglit na ipahinga. Medyo nangangalay na rin kasi dahil kanina ko pa inaayusan si Killian. Even though he was sitting in front of the big vanity and I already adjusted the chair, mas matangkad pa rin siya sa ’kin.

But Killian took it as a chance again to do what he wanted. As soon as I put down my hands, his hand held my arm and he pulled more towards him. He had his thighs apart and placed me between them, straddling me so I couldn’t move away from him. And without another word, he gave me a hard kiss on the lips.

My eyes widened. Hindi kaagad ako nakapag-react! I mean, I should’ve expected it, right? After all, Killian was taking all the chances he could get to kiss me. And yet, here I was, frozen in place as I felt his warm lips on mine.

It was a deep kiss. I even felt him biting my lower lip before he licked it, making me yelp that sounded like a moan as I felt his wet tongue. It was embarrassing that I still have this kind of reaction even if there were a lot of people around us. Kahit na hindi ako prepared sa halik na ginagawa niya, nagkakaroon pa rin iyon ng kakaibang epekto sa ’kin.

Since that night, Killian wasn’t holding back with his touch and kisses anymore. Hindi pa nga ako aware na nagpipigil pa pala siya noon. The kisses he gave me back then were already so intense and knees-buckling. But now… Now they were scorching hot, more fierce, deeper, and the kisses were already consuming all my strength and I was afraid I would get a heart attack from it.

It was only his kisses and the effect on me was already like this. Paano pa kaya kung… kung maulit ulit ang nangyari sa ’min ng gabing ’yon?

Ah, shit. I probably wouldn’t be able to take it. Baka isugod na ako sa hospital!

Nakalayo na sa ’kin si Killian nang magawa kong gumalaw. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya ng mga ilang segundo bago ako nakapag-react at hinampas siya sa balikat. I looked around and damn, as expected, some were looking at us. Sigurado akong nakita nila ang ginawa ni Killian!

Apparently, kanina pa nga may nakatingin sa ’min. Particularly at Killian. Especially earlier when he was just in his boxer shorts. It was just a normal thing in fashion shows backstage. As models were almost naked in the dressing room and they were even walking around with their almost-nakedness. The women were just in their underwear. Others were even wearing nipple tape instead of a brassiere. While the men were in their boxer shorts.

It wasn’t unusual dahil ganoon talaga sa mga fashion show lalo na sa dressing room. And nakedness wasn’t something that bothered anyone as they were all professionals in the industry. Alam ko dahil madalas akong isinasama ni Mommy sa mga fashion show where she was a model.

But it wasn’t every day that anyone could see Killian in his glory. Especially since ang kinuhang mga model ng mga kaklase ko ay hindi naman sanay sag anito. They weren’t fashion design students. A lot were from different colleges and they just looked perfect to be models, that was why my block mates asked them to model for their designs. And I was aware that a lot of women in the university had a crush on Killian.

Even now that Killian was already wearing one of my designs, he was still the center of the attention of some. And I couldn’t actually blame them. Not when I had the same reaction as them. Palagay ko pa nga ay mas malala pa ang reaksyon ko kaysa sa kanila.

Because even when I already saw Killian in his naked glory, hindi nabawasan ang epekto niya sa ’kin. It had become more severe. And the selfish side of me was now regretting that we chose him as our model. I wanted his body for my eyes only.

“Stop it!” I hissed at him as I took a step back. Nakakunot-noong pinagpatuloy ko ang pag-aayos sa buhok niya.

“Why?” Killian had the guts to look confused. He was even frowning a bit. “Is it wrong to kiss you?”

I gave that a thought.

“No—”

“Then you don’t like it?”

“I do.” Namula ang mukha ko sa bilis na sagot ko. It just came out so naturally!

But by the smirk on his lips and the way his eyes glint in mischief, it seemed like he already knew my answer even before I said it.

I frowned at him which made him chuckle.

“Let me kiss you then.”

That was the only warning I got before his arm snaked around my waist and he pulled me closer to him again. He was about to kiss me and I knew I was going to surrender as that was what always happens anyway. May kakaiba sa halik niya na parang nawawalan ako ng lakas na tumanggi at ang gusto ko na lang gawin ay tanggapin ang lahat ng ibinibigay niya.

But this wasn’t the time for that. Goodness. Mas lalo lang tuloy akong natataranta at kinakabahan sa ginagawa niya!

I covered my lips with my palms before he could kiss me again. His lips landed on the back of my hands instead. He groaned as he pulled away, frowning at me. Natawa na lang ako.

“In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not the only ones in the room,” I said.

I even looked around to prove it to him but when I looked back at him, he was just staring at me. Na para bang hindi niya naiintindihan ang pinupunto ko and he wanted me to explain more.

I sighed.

“They can see us.”

Pero nanatili lang na nakatitig sa ’kin si Killian. His eyes bore on mine, pulling me deeper into him. And suddenly, I didn’t care about the people around us anymore. Maybe us kissing in front of them was a good idea anyway. Para naman matigil na ang mga matang kanina pa tumititig kay Killian.

I saw his lips stretched for a smirk.

“You’re embarrassed,” he said.

I rolled my eyes. Naramdaman ko na naman ang pamumula ng mukha ko. He seemed like he was amused by it.

He chuckled.

“Alright… I don’t think kissing you would be enough for me anyway.”

He said that so casually but the effect it gave me was too much. Alam ko kung ano’ng ibig sabihin niya. Hindi ko na kailangang magpanggap na hindi ko siya naiintindihan. He would kow. Killian would always know.

Kaya hindi na lang ako nagsalita. I knew my face was so red anyway. Suddenly, the air around us felt so hot but I could feel my body trembling. Kung sa kaba pa rin ba dahil sa show o dahil kay Killian, hindi ko na alam.

Images of the night we shared played in my mind like a film. It was so clear. Him on top of me. The mirror above us. His inked muscles. His piercings…

“I have lots of things I want to do with you. And I wouldn’t settle with just a kiss. It won’t be enough, Irina.”

Napalunok ako nang umangat ang isang kamay niya. He held my jaw. His thumb brushed my lips.

“These beautiful fucking lips,” his voice was rasp as if he was just trying to restrain something inside of him. “I can’t wait until you’re on your knees with your lips around my cock, choking on it.”

Marahan akong napasinghap. Goodness shit. That was too much. He was always too much. Naramdaman ko kaagad kung ano ang naging epekto noon sa katawan. My body was always reacting to him. As if he could control me. With just his words. With just the look in his eyes.

My throat dried up so I tried to gulp but it wasn’t enough. I still felt… thirsty. I wanted something that has nothing to do with water as Killian’s eyes were looking at me as if he was already devouring me. Again. As if he was already imagining those things that he wanted to do with me.

And I was too. The images in my head were so lewd and it made my pulse quicken. The nervousness I felt earlier was now mixed with excitement.

Then Killian held both of my wrists with one hand, restraining me. His hand that was holding my jaw went on my back and he pulled my body closer to him. I could already feel his warmth, making my body grow hot. He held me closer and put his mouth against my ear.

“I want you restrained as I fuck that delicious cunt of yours again.” Hinigpitan niya ang pagkakahawak sa mga pulsuhan ko. As if he wanted me to know how it would feel. “I want you blindfolded and restrained while you beg for me to make you come all over my cock again.”

Holy… shit.

He let go of me, but the pleasure and sensation his words gave me crashed down on me like a ticking bomb, ready to explode. My knees almost buckled so I had to hold onto his shoulders for support dahil pakiramdam ko ay kulang ang lakas ko. His words gave me that effect, sucking my strength so that I wouldn’t be able to support myself anymore.

And Killian, the ruthless man he was, was staring at me as if he wanted to consume all of me and leave nothing for anyone. He wanted me entirely for himself.

He knew how his words affected me with that glint in his deep green eyes. It was cruel and sadistic. As if he wanted me to suffer. To surrender myself to him.

“In case both of you haven’t noticed, I’m here too.”

This time, maingay ang naging pagsinghap ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni Annika. I closed my eyes tightly. Is there any way I could disappear right now? Nakakahiya!

I have totally forgotten about Annika. She was within hearing distance so I would bet all the money I have right now that she definitely heard what Killian said.

Goodness. Si Killian naman kasi! He just didn’t know how to hold back with his words! His dirty talk might be my undoing one of these days!

Idinilat ko na ang mga mata ko at tumingin kay Annika. Nakatalikod siya sa ’min. She was organizing the clothes we made on the cloth rack base sa pagkakasunod-sunod na isusuot iyon ni Killian at ilalakad sa runway. She was trying to be nonchalant about what she heard but I knew deep inside, she wanted to ask and talk to me about it.

Alam kong narinig niya talaga ang pinag-usapan naming ni Killian. Si Annika pa, eh, malakas ang pandinig niyan. Hindi nga siya nahuhuli sa balita. Sa kanya ko pa nga narinig ang mga bagay-bagay tungkol kay Killian. I thought they weren’t true but I already witnessed with my own eyes one of the rumors she told me about him.

Ramdam ko tuloy ang pamumula ng mukha ko. God… I was so embarrassed right now! Hindi ko alam kung paano siya haharapin. I suddenly wonder how Annika could talk casually about her experiences like it was nothing when I could die of embarrassment right now!

“Alright, everyone!” Napatingin kami sa floor director na tumayo sa gitna at pumalakpak ng dalawang beses para makuha ang atensyon ng lahat. “In five minutes, the show will finally start. As long as you remember the flow of the show during the rehearsal, then I guarantee you this will be a success. Just cooperate and guide each other or ask someone if you’re not sure about something, okay?”

We muttered “okay” as we nodded. Si Annika ay tumayo na sa tabi ko.

“The only challenge now in this actual show is how fast you can get your model to change clothes before they walk in the catwalk again to keep the flow of the show,” the floor director continued.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Annika. I could see nervousness in her eyes but there was also determination in them. And I knew I mirrored her expression.

“I know that this is a lot of pressure but this is how things work in the fashion industry. And we want you to be ready for it. Ready but at the same time, I hope you all enjoy you all get to enjoy your first fashion show, okay?”

“Yes, miss,” we all said, smiling.

The floor director smiled.

“Alright! Then stand by and wait for the cue. Good luck, everyone!”

The floor director left and we got back to what we were doing. I heard Annika sigh kaya naman napatingin ako sa kanya.

“I’m excited but I’m so damn nervous right now.”

I chuckled.

“You and me both, sister.”

I looked at Killian. He was checking something on his phone. Mukhang hindi man lang sita kinakabahan and that amazed me. Siya kasi ’tong maglalakad sa runway, haharap siya sa maraming tao. I know this wasn’t his thing but I guess he’s used with people’s attention kaya wala na sa kanya kahit humarap pa siya sa maraming tao.

Pinagpatuloy ko na lang ang pag-aayos sa buhok niya. I was trembling even more now that the show would start anytime now. Kinakabahan kasi ako na baka hind imaging mabilis ang pagbibihis naming kay Killian kapag bumalik siya sa backstage.

All the teams created six designs so there would be six turns for each model to walk on the runway. Nakaka-pressure ’yung kailangan naming silang bihisan agad pagbalik na pagbalik pa lang nila sa backstage as well as fixing their hair and makeup. Kasama kasi sa criteria ng pagbibigay ng grade sa ’min on how well we could handle pressure and time management din.

“Oh, by the way, I saw your whole family in the audience.”

Natigil ang ginagawa kong pag-aayos sa buhok ni Killian. My hands even stopped midair as I looked at Annika. Napansin kong napatingin din si Killian sa kanya.

“My whole family?” I asked as if she talked using the language I didn’t know. My brain couldn’t comprehend what she said.

Annika nodded. Hindi ko nakitaan ng pagbibiro ang mukha niya kaya alam kong nagsasabi siya ng totoo. Besides, she wouldn’t joke about this. Especially when she knew how important my family is to me.

“Yeah… I saw your mom sitting with the guests so I think they invited her to be one of the guests. Yulia and your father are sitting on the second row.”

I blinked. I… I couldn’t understand. I knew my mother wouldn’t miss this but Dad? I wasn’t expecting him to be here. I knew he didn’t tell me exactly that he wouldn’t make it today when I asked him before but that was considered as a ‘no’ too. Kaya hindi na ako umasang makakapunta siya ngayon.

“You can check if you want,” sabi ni Annika. Nakita yata na hindi pa ako naniniwala.

I stared at her before I looked at Killian who was already staring at me. Pinapanood niya yata ang reaction ko kanina pa. He might even wonder why I had this kind of reaction as if it was impossible that my whole family to support me on my important day.

I wanted to check the audience. Kahit na alam kong hindi nagsisinungaling si Annika, gusto ko pa rin makitang nandoon nga sa audience ang pamilya ko. God knows how much I wanted to see them right now but I couldn’t. Magsisimula na ang show.

“It’s okay,” I said. “The show’s about to start. I could check later anyway.”

Tumango lang si Annika. I finished styling Killian’s hair so Annika took over. Inayos niya ang suot ni Killian.

Shit… Mas lalo tuloy akong kinabahan. Hindi ko kasi ipinakita sa kanila ang mga design na gawa ko. I… I didn’t want to disappoint them. Ayokong panghinaan ng loob habang wala pa ang fashion show. Baka mawalan ako ng gana. I wanted to trust myself this once and surprise them later. Na Nakagawa at nakatapos ako ng ganoong mga design.

“Relax,” I heard Killian say. Napatingin ako sa kanya. “You’re perfect, love. You did good.”

I could he meant those words. And it helped me. Nabawasan ang kaba ko. Siya ’tong lalabas sa stage mamaya but he was the one who’s comforting me.

He reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Let me handle the rest, okay?” he said as if he was telling me not to worry about anything anymore. That he would take care of all my worries instead.

Shit… With him like this, I knew my feelings for him were getting deeper now. Alam ko ’yon. And I probably should have stayed away but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I was helpless against him.

I smiled at him.

“Okay.” I squeezed his hand back.

“Hey, Irina,” Annika called me so I looked at her. Nakatutok sa ’min ang phone niya so I figured she was taking a picture of Killian. Napag-usapan na rin naman naming na kuhaan ng picture si Killian while wearing our designs. I promised Lola to send pictures of him too.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Are you sure there’s no need to put body oil on him?”

I rolled my eyes.

“You know there’s no need! Our theme is Fall Collection, Annika.”

She made a face as if she was disappointed.

“Bummer. I was looking forward to touching and running my hands all over his gorgeous body.”

“Oh, my God!”

I heard Killian chuckle. He wasn’t offended. He looked amused. Mukhang nasanay na rin siya sa mga birong iyon ni Annika.

“Models, line up!” we heard the floor director say. Bumalik na naman ang kaba ko. Mas matindi pa ngayon.

The floor director was giving a cue to the production theme. Narinig ko ang pagbibilang niya and I heard the voice over of the host in the background pero wala na akong naintindihan. My heart was beating so wildly but I tried to calm myself

Killian was the last in the line. He would be the last model to walk on the runway for each turn. Kaya naman nasa hulihan kami ngayon. Natahimik na rin si Annika nang isa-isa nang lumabas ang mga model sa stage at sinisiguro niyang maayos pa rin ang suot ni Killian.

“Will you hold this for me?” sabi Killian at ibinigay sa ’kin ang phone niya.

Wala sa sariling tinanggap ko iyon. The sixth model just returned backstage as the seven went out.

“What…?” nalilitong napatitig ako sa phone ni Killian na hawak ko na ngayon.

I heard Annika squeal pero nakatingin lang ako kay Killian.

“It would ruin the look of the design if I put it in my pocket,” he said.

“I know but…” It felt personal. “I… I can’t.”

Killian chuckled.

“Just for a while, love.”

It was the ninth model’s turn to walk the runway now.

“What if someone calls?” Mas lalo akong kinakabahan!

“Then answer it.”

“What?” Matagal akong napatitig sa kanya. “I can’t!”

“You can, Irina,” Killian said with a chuckle. “Just answer the call.”

“What if they ask for you? What will I say then?”

He just chuckled. Nakita kong bumalik na ang model kaya mas lalo akong nataranta.

“Killian!”

He looked at me. There was a sexy smirk on his lips.

“Tell them that I’m busy with you so they shouldn’t bother me.”

He winked at me. Napakurap na lang ako at wala ng nagawa as he finally walked down the runway.

Chapter 22

“So… Anything you want to share me with?”

I looked over at Annika. At first, I had no idea what she was talking about so I had to stare at her for a moment before it finally dawned on me what she meant. It was that playful smile on her lips that gave away. Kakaiba rin ang tingin n’ya na kahit hindi na n’ya sabihin ay alam ko na agad ang iniisip n’ya.

I rolled my eyes before I walked to where our place was. Nakasunod lang sa ’kin si Annika, hinihintay ang sasabihin ko. She’d be a fool to think that I would tell her anything, especially now that we’re having our fashion show and there were people around!

Pero mukhang ayaw talagang paawat ni Annika. Sinimulan ko na kasing ihanda ang susunod na isusuot ni Killian but my dear friend must’ve thought that we had all the time in the world. Mukhang mas importante pa yata sa kanya na malaman ang kung ano’ng meron sa ’min ni Killian kaysa sa nangyayaring fashion show ngayon!

She even leaned on the cloth racks and stared at me, waiting for me to speak. Hindi talaga ako tinulungan sa paghahanda para sa susunod na design na imomodelo ni Killian!

“Don’t lean on the racks. You’ll wrinkle the clothes,” saway ko nang hindi s’ya tinitingnan.“

“Oh, come one, Irina! Just give me something!” she whined pero hindi ko ulit s’ya pinansin.

Napatingin ako sa wing part ng backstage. Nakabalik na si Killian. But all the models have to walk down the runway again in line to wrap up the first set of designs. At dahil si Killian ang pinakahuling lumabas, s’ya naman ang unang lalabas sa linyang ’yon. S’ya rin ang unang makakabalik ng stage to change clothes so it was actually an advantage for us.

“Be ready.” I gave her the clothes that Killian would wear next. It was her design.

I noticed her frowning. Mukhang masama ang loob n’yang kinuha sa ’kin ang mga damit. She didn’t have any choice but to prepare kung ayaw n’yang mahuli ang modelo namin sa paglalakad sa runway.

I know Annika would want me to tell her what happened. Alam ko rin namang may idea na s’ya base sa narinig n’ya kay Killian. Anyone who heard what Killian said would have an idea. But Annika wanted me to confirm it. Gusto n’yang ikwento ko sa kanya ang nangyari gaya ng ginagawa n’yang pagkukwento sa ’kin ng mga karanasan n’ya. I think she’s expecting me to do the same.

Pero ayokong magkwento. I’m not the kind of person who would kiss and tell. Besides, I don’t owe her anything. Hindi naman dahil nagkukwento s’ya sa ’kin ay iyon na rin ang gagawin ko. I didn’t ask her to do that. She did it on her own. So, I think I didn’t owe her anything.

Although I was thankful that she was that open to me. As if she wasn’t holding back anything with our friendship. Wala s’yang itinatago. She was… interesting. Carefree and full of life. Napakarami n’yang kwento. Hindi nauubusan. Unlike me whose life was probably dull compared to hers. Halos wala nga akong maikwento sa kanya. Puro problema lang. And yet, Annika stayed with me.

And now, I finally have some story she’d find interesting. Mukha pa ngang excited s’yang ikuwento ko ang nangyari. But… I didn’t want to. It felt… wrong.

It feels like I’m sharing something that Killian has only shown me. And I didn’t want to share it with anyone. That something is mine alone.

I want Killian all to myself.

Nakabalik na si Killian. Annika and I started to dress him again. Annika was changing his clothes while I was fixing his hair, making sure it wouldn’t be ruined as he took off the clothes. Killian was just staying still and didn’t try anything even though he was free to do so. And I was thankful to him for him. Nanginginig kasi ako. Natataranta. Nakaka-pressure na limitado lang ang oras namin sa pagpapalit n’ya ng damit.

I know I should focus on his hair and I shouldn’t watch over Annika as she changed Killian’s clothes but I couldn’t help myself. And it made me feel so bad. Hindi ko gustong bantayan kung saang parte ng katawan ni Killian ang mahahawakan ni Annika. But still, my eyes followed her hands. At nang mapalitan n’ya sa wakas ang damit ni Killian, saka lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag.

Right after that, I felt so horrible. Hindi ko gusto ang tumatakbo sa isip ko kanina. As if I was just waiting for Annika to take advantage of the situation as I knew she had a crush on Killian before. She was so vocal on that after all.

Shit… I didn’t like this at all.

I found Killian staring at me. His deep green eyes were burning right through me and I was so afraid that he could read what I was thinking right now, that he would know about that horrible thought I had in my mind so I looked away. Nagkunwari akong may inaayos sa damit n’ya.

But of course, Killian always notices anything. He held my chin and tilted my head, forcing me to look at him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita kong napatingin din tuloy sa ’kin si Annika.

My heart thundered against my chest. Nadagdagan pa ang pagkatarantang nararamdaman ko kanina. I was nervous of Killian’s stares as well as Annika’s curiosity.

“I was just nervous,” I chose to tell the half-truth.

“Oh, I felt exactly like that earlier too but knowing Killian is our model made me feel calm.” Annika smiled at me. “Just put your trust in him, Irina. I know Killian will pull it off. Right, Kill?”

“Of course,” hindi man lang tumingin si Killian kay Annika nang sabihin iyon. His heavy stares were just on mine. “I told you to let me handle the rest. Stop worrying. I don’t want anything ruining this beauty.”

I felt him squeezing my chin. His eyes turning a shade darker, became more intense as his gaze was all over my face. I noticed the look in his eyes turned cruel as if he saw something he didn’t want. Hindi ko alam kung ano iyon pero pakiramdam kong kasalanan ko pa rin ang kung anumang nakita n’yang hindi n’ya nagustuhan.

His expression made me feel even more uneasy. I wished I could erase whatever he saw on my face so he wouldn’t look at me that way again. He looked at me as if I had done something he despised the most. And no matter what I did, he would never forgive me. As if he was going to punish me until I was completely destroyed.

“I want all your beauty, Irina,” he said, gritting his teeth. As if he was just holding on to the thin line of his temper. “Stop fucking worrying.”

“Okay,” mabilis kong sabi. Para kasing kaunti na lang ay mauubos na ang pasensya. “I trust you, Killian.”

He tilted his head to the side, finding a better view of me. I tried to smile at him. Alam kong halata n’yang peke iyon dahil hindi ko kayang ngumiti ng totoo sa sobrang kabang nararamdaman ko ngayon. But it felt like it was just the right thing to do. To smile at him.

“Hmm,” it was the only thing I heard from him. Wala na s’yang sinabi as the models were called to line up again for the second set of the designs.

I took a shaky breath as I sat on the chair that Killian had vacated. Nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko at hindi ko na kinayang tumayo. I covered my mouth with both of my palms as I tried to steady my breath.

“That was… intense,” sabi ni Annika na nanlalaki ang mga matang napatingin sa ’kin. “Jesus Christ, Irina! Killian is so fucking hot!”

“I know…”

Alam na alam ko iyon. Ilang beses ko na ngang nasabi ’yon sa sarili ko. I thought I already knew the meaning of hotness until Killian walked into my life. He could burn everything with just his gaze. He could suck all the strength in me by just being around. And it probably wasn’t a good thing but just like the moth who was mesmerized by the fire, I was drawn in by Killian’s savagery.

“Even if you don’t say anything, I knew something definitely happened between you two. With a man like that…” she trailed off. Napailing pero nakangiti naman. “So? What’s the score now?”

Naoabuntong-hininga ako. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano sasagutin ’yon.

“I don’t know…” I said. “We haven’t talked about it. I might be just one of his passing flings too.”

Naramdaman ko agad ang kakaibang sakit sa dibdib ko matapos kong sabihin iyon. Hindi naman kasi naming napag-uusapan ni Killian ’yon. I got busy with the passion ’yon. Even though Killian was distracting me with his touch and kisses, wala pa rin kaming panahon para pag-usapan iyon.

Plus, I knew that Killian was into casual relationships. I gave myself willingly to him. Still, I want him all to myself even if I have no right.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Annika looked at me as if I said something ridiculous. “Irina, the guy is all over you! He isn’t like that to his past flings. He never clings to them. It was the other way around! But it is so different with you that I started wondering what sorcery you did to him!”

“I didn’t do anything!” depensa ko.

“Yeah, I know.” She was smiling widely. “Did you know that he only agreed to be our model right after I mentioned your name? He was set on refusing me but when I told him that you’re my partner, he instantly accepted my invitation.”

I blinked. I didn’t know about that. Ang akal ko, nakumbinse lang talaga ni Annika si Killian na maging model naming. She had that talent anyway. Hindi rin s’ya sumusuko hangga’t hindi nakukuha ang gusto n’ya.

“And that thing.” Itinuro n’ya ang bulsa ko kung nasa’n ang phone ni Killian. “He let you hold on to his phone! That was like saying that you have a hold on to his life too!”

“You’re overacting,” I said.

“I am not! Irina, a fling wouldn’t even let their partner hold on to their phone. It was like Killian is telling you there is no other woman in his life except you!”

I didn’t want to give much meaning to it. Killian just let me hold onto his phone for a while as it might ruin the design if he put it inside his pocket. I was his designer kaya sa akin n’ya muna iyon ipinahawak. That was the logical reason behind it.

But a part of me was saying that Annika had a point. A phone is one of a person’s personal belongings. It was a private thing. Kahit ako rin naman ay ayokong ipapahawak ang phone ko sa kung kani-kanino lang. And he even told me to answer in case someone calls him. That was… something.

Plus, the thing that Annika had just told me. That Killian agreed to be our model when she told him about me.

I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Lalo pa ngayon na lumalalim na ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. I was… scared. Terrified even. Pero hindi ko mapigilang umasa ngayon.

I couldn’t help but think all about it hanggang sa makabalik si Killian at bihisan ulit naming s’ya. Even until the fourth set of designs. Hindi ko lang ipinapahalata kay Killian na may malalim akong iniisip at sinusubukan kong umakto nang normal sa tuwing bumabalik s’ya sa backstage para magpalit ng damit.

It was until the fourth set and Killian was next to walk on the runway when his phone rang. Natatarantang kinuha ko iyon sa bulsa ng pants ko at tiningnan kung sino ang tumatawag.

Pakhan.

I blinked. Bigla akong nanlamig. I knew it. I know that word. In Russia, hindi na bago ang salitang ’yon. Sa tingin ko nga ay alam ng lahat ang salitang ’yon.

It was what they call the head of a Russian brotherhood. The Bratva. Mafia.

Does that mean… na totoo ang narinig ni Annika tungkol sa mga Romanov?

I was staring at the phone that was still ringing. Napatingin ako kay Killian. He was next in line. Hindi ko na s’ya pwede pang istorbo.

So, just like what he told me in case someone called him, I answered the call.

“Hello?”

There was only silence from the other line. I waited whoever it was to say anything pero nanataling tahimik ang kabilang linya. I even checked if the call was still connected and it was. Ibinalik ko iyon sa tenga ko.

“Hello—”

“Who in the fucking hell is this?”

Kamuntik ko nang mabitiwan ang phone nang marinig ang boses sa kabilang linya. It was from a man. The voice was so terrifying! I could hear the acid and the cruelty in his voice. I even had to check my ear to see if it was bleeding as it felt like his voice could cut through the call!

“Where the fuck is Killian?” tanong ulit ng boses nang hindi kaagad ako makapagsalita.

Well, I couldn’t! I feel like no matter what I say, it could get me killed!

Nakita kong napatingin sa ’kin si Annika. She mouthed “Why” when she noticed the look on my face. I must’ve looked horrified. Alam ko rin na nanginginig ang mga kamay ko.

“Uhm—” I cleared my throat. I was stammering. I looked at the line and saw that Killian was gone. “He’s walking down the runway.”

A pause.

“He’s doing what?” I could hear the confusion in his voice.

“Walking down the runway,” ulit ko. “He’s our model and we’re here in the auditorium,” I explained. May palagay kasi akong kailangan kong magpaliwanag sa kung sino man ang kausap ko. Sa tingin ko rin ay hindi ko dapat sabihin ang ibinilin sa ’kin ni Killian na kung sakali mang may maghanap sa kanya.

“ Blyat ,“ he cursed before the call ended.

Napangiwi ako. Agad na lumapit sa ’kin si Annika nang ibinalik ko ang phone sa bulsa ng pantalon ko.

“Who’s that?” she asked.

I looked at her.

“ Pakhan ,“ I said.

Her eyes widened. Naitakip rin n’ya ang mga palad sa bibig. She looked surprised and I even saw fear in her eyes. And with that, it just confirmed the idea that formed inside my head.

It might be true. That Killian is a mafia.

I didn’t know what to feel. I feel like I just discovered something huge. Marami akong naririnig tungkol sa mafia. Madalas ay hindi magagandang bagay. They were even feared by most of the people.

I didn’t want to jump to a conclusion. Maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe it was just a nickname he put for someone on his phone. Maybe it wasn’t a real Pakhan.

I shivered. Goodness shit. What if… what if it was real? What if I’ve just really talked with the Pakhan of Bratva? I might get killed!

But Killian told me to answer if someone called him. It means whoever might call him. Hindi n’ya naman siguro ilalagay sa panganib ang buhay ko, right? I remember how he looked murderous the night when I got hurt.

Natigilan ako. The look in his eyes. The cruelty. The ruthlessness. The dark and bloodlust in his eyes as if he enjoys making people suffer. It would all make sense if… if he’s a mafia.

Nakabalik na si Killian at nagkatinginan kami ni Annika. I noticed her slightly shaking her head. The move was faint that I wouldn’t notice it if I wasn’t looking in her eyes. She was silently telling me not to say anything about the call.

But as usual, Killian noticed that there was something wrong.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Oh, there’s a tiny rip on one of the clothes,” Annika was quick to think of something to say. “But it’s okay now. We already took care of it.”

Killian looked at me. Mukhang hindi pa yata naniniwala sa sinabi ni Annika. So, I smiled at him and nodded. Nahirapan pa nga akong gawin iyon because for some reason, Killian could always tell if something’s wrong with me.

He just nodded. Mukhang hindi pa rin s’ya kumbinsido but he decided to let it go. I gave him a bottle of water and he drank it. Pinunasan ko ang pawis na namumuo sa noo n’ya. I noticed his smirk as he set the bottled water down.

“You still good?” I asked. Alam ko kasing pagod na s’ya.

“Of course,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer to him. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and inhaled my scent. “And now I’m better.”

Despite everything, I smiled. Napansin ko rin ang pagngiti ni Annika na parang kinikilig. Mukhang nakalimutan na ang tungkol sa nalaman naming.

It wasn’t confirmed yet anyway. I would believe it if Killian would tell me about it but I just couldn’t ask him about that. I feel like I would cross the line.

The show continued. Annika and I found a way to dress Killian quickly without ruining his hair so we were always on time. We were on the sixth set when we had an unexpected visitor.

“What the fuck are you doing, Kill?”

Napatingin kami sa nagsalita. Katatapos lang naming bihisan ulit si Killian. I was surprised when I saw Serj standing just a few steps away from us. There was a frown on his forehead as he looked at us. His hands were inside the pocket of his black slacks. He was wearing a black turtle neck long-sleeved top.

Nakita kong nabigla rin si Annika pagkakita kay Serj. Hindi pa nga nakagalaw. While Killian just chuckled as he stood up. He looked even amused.

“Boss! What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same.” Serj’s frown deepened.

Napatungo ako nang tumingin sa ’kin si Serj. Hindi ko kayang salubungin ang tingin n’ya. His presence alone was already terrifying as if there was danger hovering in the air. As if he was just waiting for a reason, even the slightest, to strike. To kill.

Wow… Magkapatid nga sila ni Killian.

But Killian, as if he was oblivious of his brother’s mood, chuckled. Mukhang wala lang sa kanya na nagagalit si Serj ngayon.

“You’re not allowed here in the backstage area,” sabi pa ni Killian at nanlalaki ang mga matang tiningnan ko s’ya.

He didn’t just say that, did he? Hindi n’ya ba nakikitang hindi gusto ng kapatid n’yang nandito s’ya? And that made me realize that he didn’t tell his brother about him being our model!

“They let me in,” I heard Serj say. “I was wondering what you were up to these days. You seem busy.”

“I guess I’m busted?” Killian said with a chuckle.

“You’re not fucking answering my calls!”

I flinched. Napangiwi ako sa pagmumura n’ya pero bigla rin akong may naalala. Iyong lalaking tumawag kay Killian kanina!

Wait. He’s Pakhan? And Killian was calling him “boss” even though they’re brothers…

Maybe, it was just really Serj’s nickname on Killian’s phone. Maybe Kill was just making fun of his brother.

So? Are they really Bratva or what?

I’m so confused.

“Sorry, boss,” Killian said. “I was just helping my girl with her grades.”

I looked at Killian again with wide eyes. Ilang beses yata akong magugulat sa mga sinasabi n’ya. I couldn’t believe he just said that to his brother!

Napatingin tuloy ako kay Serj. He was already looking at me and I almost whimpered in fear. Nakakatakot talaga ang tingin n’ya.

But Killian couldn’t really read the mood around us and he chuckled again! I even felt him wrap an arm around my waist and pull me closer to him which made me yelp!

“This is Irina Morozova. She’s a fashion designer.” Wala na akong nagawa nang ipakilala ako ni Killian sa kapatid n’ya.

Even though my whole body was trembling as hell, I tried to offer him my hand for a handshake. Nakita ko pa ngang nanginginig ang kamay ko at hindi ko na nagawang itago ’yon. I knew they noticed it too lalo pa at tumawa si Killian! He was enjoying my misery right now!

Serj stared at my trembling hand before he looked at me. I sucked in a shaky breath. He stared at me and even tilted his head slightly to the side to get a better look at me. Mukhang walang balak tanggapin ang kamay ko.

But then, he finally accepted my hand. His grip on me was like steel as if silently giving me a threat. Hindi ko alam kung iyon talaga ang intension o nakakatakot lang talaga s’ya.

“Sergei Alexandrovich Romanov,” he introduced himself as he firmly shook my hand before releasing it.

“Just call him Serj,” sabi ni Killian na may ngisi sa mga labi. He jerked his head towards Annika. “That’s Annika.”

“Hi, Serj,” maliit ang boses na bati ni Annika pero halata ko ang kakaibang tingin n’ya. I almost forgot. It was Serj that she had a crush on.

Tinanguan lang s’ya ni Serj. He didn’t even bother to introduce himself or offer a handshake to her.

I was aware that everyone was looking at us. Now that the two Romanovs are here, we were catching more attention. Mukhang nakalimutan na nga ng iba ang tungkol sa fashion show at gusto na lang titigan ang magkapatid.

I couldn’t blame them. Even I who was near them couldn’t even move. Parang kasalanan kasing gumalaw hangga’t hindi nila sinasabi. It felt like I needed their permission first. They have this dominating air around them that would make anyone kneel before them and do whatever they would say.

“If you have anything to say to me, please do so after the show. The show is about to end anyway,” Killian said.

Serj looked at him.

“No. I just want to check what’s keeping you busy.”

Killian grinned at him.

“Alright, boss. Now get out of here. You’re not allowed in backstage.”

Serj looked at me. Ilang sandali s’yang tumitig sa ’kin bago muling tumingin kay Killian.

He frowned at his brother.

“Stop calling me ‘boss.’”

Killian chuckled.

“Okay, boss.”

Chapter 23

At the end of the show, the designers had to line up and walk the runway as well. I could hear some of my classmates muttering that they didn’t have time to freshen up. Right after kasi ng last set ay pinapila na rin kami ng floor director para sa paglabas namin ng catwalk. And it was kinda funny as they could dress up their models in a short amount of time and yet hindi kaagad nila naayos ang sarili nila. That was why some of them went out the runway looking exhausted but they still managed to smile at the audience.

But because I already learned my lesson when my prof deducted some points from my grades when I didn’t look presentable before, I made sure that I still looked fine at the end of the show. May palagay kasi akong isa rin iyon sa criteria para sa final grade na makukuha namin.

I was exhausted but I felt fulfilled. Ito ’yung klase ng pagod na hindi nakakainis sa pakiramdam. The kind of tiredness that you could still smile widely as you were happy with the outcome. Even though you knew everything wasn’t perfect, you still managed to pull something hard that you thought you couldn’t make. That there was a time you thought of giving up.

But in the end, you’re glad you didn’t. Dahil hindi mo mararamdaman ang kakaibang saya at satisfaction as a result of your blood, sweat, and tears.

Maraming tao sa backstage nang makabalik kami. They let our parents in, even the guests that they invited. Pero nagulat pa rin ako nang makita ang mga magulang ko, kahit si Yulia, na nandoon. They all smiled at me as soon as they saw me. Si Yulia ay sinugod kaagad ako ng yakap.

“You’re so great, Irina!” my sister said, still hugging me.

“You’re all here,” wala sa sarili kong sabi.

I hugged Yulia back while I watched our parents approach us. Maganda ang pagkakangiti nila. It was something I yearned to receive from them but now that I was seeing it, hindi ko mapaniwalaan. I had to stare at their faces for a while to make sure that my eyes weren’t fooling me. That it wasn’t just a product of my imagination since I’d hoped for this for so long.

Pero totoo ang mga ngiti nila. It was real. This is really happening.

“ Pozdravlyayu, moya doch ,“ Dad congratulated me. He even handed me a bouquet that I didn’t notice he was holding.

Wala sa sariling tinanggap ko iyon. Titig na titig pa rin ako sa kanila. My brain seemed to fail to register what was happening in front of me right now. I know that they are my parents, that they are my family and it shouldn’t be that surprising that they were here, at one of the most important events of my life, to support me. Pero hindi ko pa rin talaga mapaniwalaan ang lahat.

“Thank you, Dad,” I said as I accepted the bouquet. Narinig ko pa ang bahagyang panginginig ng boses ko.

“Congratulations, Irina!” my mom said. She even hugged me. “You did so well, my daughter. I’m so proud of you.”

Mas lalo akong natulala. Ni hindi nga ako makagalaw kahit na nang inilayo ni Mommy ang sarili n’ya sa ’kin. I think I even felt her caressing my hair before releasing me.

But I didn’t hug her back. I couldn’t as I was so surprised. Even when I saw the smile on her lips that was full of affection, I just kept on staring at her.

I blinked.

“Really?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong.

Hindi ko pa rin inaalis ang tingin ko kay Mommy so I saw the way how her forehead creased with confusion. Mukhang nagtataka na yata sa inaakto ko.

But I just looked at her. I wanted to see each and every expression she would make. I wanted to assure myself that everything was real and was happening right now.

Kaya naman nakita ko rin nang mapangiti ulit si Mommy. She even sighed with ease and amusement before she caressed my cheeks. And when I felt her warm hand on my skin, trailing featherlight touch on me, I felt my eyes water.

“Of course! Your creations are so wonderful. To think that you’re still a student.” She smiled warmly at me. “I’m sure you’ll dominate the fashion industry in the future.”

My lips trembled so I had to bite my lower lip just to contain my emotions. I have long forgotten these feelings. The feeling of making my parents proud. The feeling that nothing else matters anymore if I could make my parents happy. Na kahit alam kong hindi gaanong ka-perfect ang mga damit na ginawa ko, ayos lang. Ang importante sa ’kin ay ang iniisip nina Mommy at Daddy.

“You’re exaggerating, Mom,” I said with a laugh but I heard my voice tremble. Alam kong malapit na akong maiyak.

“I am not.” Mom even had a stern expression on her face. “I know you’ll get better, Irina, and I can see it already. I’m confident you’ll become a well-known designer.” She looked at Dad. “Right, Andrei?”

Napatingin ako kay Dad. He, too, was smiling.

“Of course,” he said. Inakabayan n’ya si Mommy. “You have an excellent talent, moya doch . We’re so proud of you.”

“I thought you couldn’t make it today.” Nahihirapan na ’kong pigilan ang mga luha ko. “I couldn’t even believe when Annika said that all of you are here.”

“When did I say that I wouldn’t come?” Dad made a show that he was offended but I could see the playful glint in his eyes. “You didn’t trust me?”

“I just thought you’d be busy.”

“I am. But I know that this is an important event for you and I want to support you, dochka .”

“Me too!” Yulia tightened her hug on me. “I skipped my class today so I could support you.”

Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin ako kina Mommy.

“You let her skip her class?”

They never do that! Masyado silang strict sa studies namin. Lalo na kay Yulia. Kahit nga sa cello lesson n’ya, hindi sila pumapayag na maka-absent si Yulia kahit isang beses. So, it was really surprising that they let her not attend her class today!

“It’s okay. It’s only for today. We really want to support you,” Mom said. She caressed my hair as if comforting me. Na para bang alam na n’yang iisipin kong kasalanan ko kung bakit um-absent sa klase si Yulia ngayon.

I looked at my mother. I knew we’d had a misunderstanding not long ago. We haven’t talked about it since, as if we had an unspoken agreement not to say anything about it. When I returned home from Killian’s the next day, Mom pretended it hadn’t happened. She acted normally as if nothing was wrong between us. As if we didn’t have an argument. And because I didn’t want to upset her any further, I did the same.

I actually hated doing that. I hated acting like everything was fine. Gusto kong pag-usapan ang nangyari. Gusto kong humingi ng sorry kay Mommy dahil nasaktan ko s’ya. Pero higit sa lahat, gusto ko pa ring mabisita si Lola sa Pilipinas.

Ayokong kalimutan ang nangyari. Pakiramdam ko kasi, hangga’t hindi namin napag-uusapan nang maayos ang lahat, until we continue to pretend that there was nothing wrong, maiipon lang ang lahat ng ’yon.

Because the negative feeling was still there, right? It wouldn’t fade just like that. Ikinulong lang kasi ’yon. Itinago. We didn’t do anything to confront that negative emotion.

And it was scary. Natatakot ako na kapag sobra nang naipon ang lahat and we couldn’t contain it any longer, mas malala ang mangyayari. I was afraid that the next time it happens again, the next time that I upset her, the rift it might cause us would be deeper this time.

But Mom didn’t let me talk to her about it. She didn’t give me the chance. It was as if she had already closed the door for that and there was no way to open that conversation anymore. At wala na akong magagawa kundi ang sundin ang gusto n’ya.

Looking at her now, I was trying to find any hint of the effect of the argument we had. I was tiptoeing around her ever since. Natatakot akong may masabi ulit na makakasakit sa kanya. I was careful around her. I was anxious. And it was… uncomfortable.

But the smile on my mother’s lips right now was genuine. I could even see the love in her eyes. And the pride she felt for me. Na para bang ako ang pinakamagaling na designer ang nandoon. That my creations were the most wonderful she saw that day. And that was all that mattered to me.

Maybe, we were really okay now. Siguro, napatawad na nga ako ni Mommy. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Dapat ko na sigurong kalimutan ang nangyari.

I smiled at her. I smiled at my dad and Yulia. I heaved a sigh of relief. Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata ko.

“Thank you…” I said, pouring my heart out into those two words. “This means a lot to me.”

“We can’t stay longer though,” Mom said. “Your dad has to attend his meeting and if we don’t go now, he’ll be late.”

“Oh! It’s okay. You can go. We still have our after-party so I can’t go home with you.”

“Will you be going home tonight?”

Sa tanong na ’yon ni Mommy, bigla kong naisip si Killian. And I had no idea why I thought that I’ll stay with him even after the party.

Nagpalinga-linga ako. I saw Annika talking with her parents as well. I tried looking for Killian but I guess he wasn’t in the backstage area anymore. I think I saw Serj leading him out before the floor director made the designers line up to walk the runway.

I remembered Serj said there was something he had to talk about with Killian. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin sila bumabalik.

Baka umalis na si Killian kasama si Serj. Sana sinabihan man lang n’ya ako…

I cleared my throat. I didn’t want to feel down because of that. After all, my family came here just to support me.

I smiled at them.

“I’ll call you.”

Napatango-tango si Mommy.

“Okay. We’ll go now then.” She kissed me on the cheeks. Yulia did the same while Dad hugged me.

“Bye.”

Inihatid ko sila ng tingin hanggang sa makalabas sila ng backstage. I looked at the bouquet that I was still holding. Napangiti ako.

The happiness I was feeling right now was indescribable. Gusto kong maiyak pero at the same time, parang mapupunit naman ang mga labi ko sa lawak ng ngiti ko ngayon. My heart felt so full that I was worried it might burst out of my chest at any moment. But I didn’t mind any of that. I just want to enjoy this feeling.

“Irina.”

Hindi pa rin nawawala ang ngiti ko nang lingunin ko ang tumawag sa ’kin. Even before I saw him, I knew it was Killian. I think I’d always recognize his voice now. It was already imprinted in my mind, and whenever I hear his voice, my heart thumps wildly. Even my body reacted to his voice.

“Killian… I thought you already left.” Mas lalo tuloy nadagdagan ang sayang nararamdaman ko.

He’s still here. He came back. He didn’t leave me.

Killian just stared at me. It seemed like it had became one of his favorite habits. Palagi kasing nagtatagal sa mukha ko ang tingin n’ya. His eyes would even roam around my face, memorizing every part kahit na palagi n’ya na namang ginagawa ’yon. It made me conscious at kahit gaano n’ya pa kadalas gawin iyon, hinding-hindi ako masasanay sa bigat ng mga titig n’ya.

And then, he frowned. Parang may nakitang hindi n’ya nagustuhan.

“Who got you smiling like that?” he asked. Nagtaka pa ako kung bakit parang pagalit ang tono n’ya.

“Oh… My parents were just here.” Mas lalo akong napangiti. “They were really here to support me. I even doubted Annika earlier. I thought she wasn’t telling the truth.”

His gaze went down to the bouquet I was holding bago bumalik ang tingin n’ya sa ’kin. Ilang sandali pa s’yang tumitig sa ’kin. Pero mas sa mga labi ko ang tingin n’ya na hindi na yata natanggal ang ngiti ko roon. I’m not sure. I wasn’t aware. Ang alam ko lang ay ang sobrang sayang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

“Then I supposed you received the flowers from your parents?” Killian asked. His head was tilted to the side as if he was grasping that thought.

Sunod-sunod ang naging pagtango ko.

“My father gave it to me. I wasn’t even expecting him. He’s busy yet he made time to see the fashion show today.”

“You seem really happy.” Hindi pa rin naaalis ang tingin ni Killian sa ’kin.

Tinitigan ko ang mga bulaklak. I knew they would wither one day but I think the feelings and the memories that I received today wouldn’t fade. I wouldn’t be able to forget about it. It would forever be engraved in my heart. Dahil isa ito sa pinakamasayang araw sa buhay ko.

“I am,” I said. I smiled at Killian. “I think I’m the happiest person right now.”

Words aren’t even enough for how much I am feeling right now. My heart felt so full. ’Yung hirap at pagod ko sa pag-iisip at paggawa ng mga design para sa fashion show ngayon, pati na rin ’yung mga hindi magandang nangyari nitong nakaraan, bawing-bawi ang lahat ng ’yon. Sobra-sobra pa nga ang natanggap ko ngayon. I think there wouldn’t be anything in this world that could take away the happiness I was feeling right now.

Bahagyang nagsalubong ang mga kilay ni Killian. He even looked like he was trying to figure something out. As if there was a puzzle in front of him and he was having a hard time solving it.

Ako ba? O ’yung mga bulaklak? Palipat-lipat kasi roon ang mga titig n’ya. Hindi ko naman alam kung bakit.

“I don’t understand,” he even mumbled. Sa tingin ko nga ay hindi n’ya sinasadyang sabihin iyon nang malakas.

“What?” I asked.

This time, nagtagal sa ’kin ang mga titig n’ya.

“I don’t understand how you can look even more lovely when I thought you’d already bloomed.”

I frowned.

“Huh?” Mas hindi ko naiintindihan ang sinasabi n’ya.

“But I can see why someone would spend all of their time caring for plants and waiting for flowers to fully bloom just to cut them out. I understand the desire to see something so beautiful, the thrill of watching it wither, become hideous, and die.”

Natigilan ako. Napatitig na lang ako kay Killian na nakatingin na ulit ngayon sa mga bulaklak na hawak ko. I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say, but something inside me told me that I wouldn’t like the true meaning behind his words. That he was saying something so dangerous, especially for me. And it might be better to be oblivious instead of trying to figure out what he really meant.

When Killian looked at me again, I saw the menace in him. His deep green eyes turned a shade darker. He even smiled but I saw no warmth in it.

“But you, Irina, are nothing like a flower. Your beauty is unlike any other I’ve ever seen. I still couldn’t figure you out.”

He took a step toward me and I almost stepped backward. I remembered something I’d heard before that I couldn’t understand. That danger isn’t a word but a person. And looking at Killian right now, I finally understand it.

He reached for my hair and I almost flinched. He touched the end of the curls. His touch was light, halos hindi ko nga maramdaman. Pero ang kaba sa dibdib ko ay hindi maipaliwanag.

“I’m curious if your beauty has a limit. Because I’m already tempted, love. You completely captivated me.”

There was a distant look in his eyes as he stared at me. Hindi ko naman mapigilang tumitig pabalik sa mga mata n’ya. And the more I stared at those green orbs, the more it seemed like… like I was being swallowed up into the darkness. The darkness that I knew there was so much danger in it but I couldn’t get away no matter what I did. Because Killian wouldn’t let it.

Mas lalong lumalala ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Fear was even growing in me. Walang-wala sa takot na naramdaman ko sa kapatid n’ya kanina.

And I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the feeling as if he was slipping away.

With my trembling hand, I tried to touch his face. I caressed his cheek with my thumb, desperate to feel him again. Kahit kasi na nasa harap ko lang s’ya, pakiramdam ko ay wala s’ya roon. That he was somewhere else. That he wasn’t really looking at me.

And it might’ve worked as I felt Killian flinch under my palm. He blinked. Nawala ang tingin na ’yon sa mga mata n’ya. His eyes finally focused on me.

He stared at me for a while before then he smiled. It was less dangerous this time.

“I heard there’s an after-party. Should we go?” he asked.

Napatitig ako sa kanya. My hand was still trembling. I realized just now that maybe… maybe I haven’t met the real him. Wala pa nga akong masyadong alam sa kanya. I was only basing my knowledge about him sa mga rumor na sinasabi sa ’kin ni Annika tungkol kay Killian. Mas marami pa ngang alam si Annika kaysa sa ’kin. Kaunti lang ang mga bagay na alam ko tungkol sa kanya.

I wanted to know more about him. Kahit iyong nakakatakot na bagay. Even the unpleasant things. Kasi alam ko naman, sa simula pa lang, there was darkness in him.

Still, I like him. My feelings grew even stronger as time passed by. And I might even be falling in love with him.

“Do you want to? Do you have time?” I asked, still caressing his cheek.

“Of course.” He’s staring directly into my eyes. “That would mean I can be with you longer.”

I pursed my lips, trying to stop my smile.

“I thought you have something you need to do with your brother.”

“Nah… It’s been taken care of.”

He held my hand that was touching his face. He took my other hand and made me hold onto his shoulders. He grabbed the sides of my waist and pulled me closer to him. Napayakap na ako sa kanya.

“So… should we go?” he asked again. Napangiti na ako. I like the fact that I was in charge of making this decision.

“Okay.”

His face inches mine and I just accepted his kisses. Wala na akong pakialam sa paligid. Isa pa, gusto kong kalimutan ang naramdaman ko kay Killian kanina. I wanted to feel his effect on me again. I wanted to feel his warm lips, his warm touch, and his dominance.

Muling tumitig sa ’kin si Killian matapos ang halik. I think I wouldn’t be able to understand why he was always staring at me. Maiintindihan ko pa kung hindi n’ya madalas gagawin sa isang araw. Like that thing of just taking in one’s appearance for the day as they have different outfit, or hairstyle, or makeup. Pero halos minu-minuto kasi ang paninitig ni Killian.

But… I like it though. I like how his attention is always on me. I like how it seems like he couldn’t get enough of me as if he didn’t want to take his gaze off me.

I smiled at him. Nakita kong bumaba ang tingin n’ya sa mga labi ko. Ilang sandalling tumitig doon bago ibinalik ang tingin sa mga mata ko.

“I have a gift for you as well,” he said.

Nagulat ako pero mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko.

“Really? Where is it?”

He tilted his head to the side. Parang nag-iisip.

“Somewhere… It’s not something I could just take with me anywhere.”

So, hindi n’ya dala ngayon ang gift n’ya para sa ’kin. Napaisip tuloy ako kung ano ’yon.

But it made me excited. I didn’t even expect him to prepare a gift for me. S’ya na nga ’tong naabala namin para maging model namin ngayon. Ako pa nga ang dapat na maghanda ng regalo para sa kanya. As a thank you gift man lang.

I wanted to know what his gift was.

“Then… why don’t we just leave the party early and you take me to where it is?” I suggested. I couldn’t contain my excitement anymore.

“Are you sure? I can just show it to you some other time if you want.”

I shook my head firmly.

“I want it now. I doubt I’d be able to sleep peacefully knowing you’d prepared a present for me. Besides, I’m not a big fan of parties.”

He stared at me again. Parang sinisiguro na totoo ang sinabi ko. And the excitement might’ve shown on my face as he finally looked convinced. Sa tingin ko pa nga, mas gusto n’ya ang suggestion ko. Gusto n’ya ring makita ko agad ang regalo n’ya.

“Alright. We’ll stay for half an hour at the party then we’ll leave.”

I beamed at him. I’m really excited. Just the thought that he prepared a gift was enough to make my heart full, paano pa kaya kapag nakita ko na ang regalo n’ya. He didn’t even have to give me one pero nag-abala pa talaga s’ya.

Oh, no… I didn’t want to read so much from his gesture but I couldn’t help it. Feeling ko tuloy, may special treatment ako. I’m sure he didn’t give his flings anything.

Maniniwala na ba ako sa sinabi ni Annika?

No… No. I don’t want to get disappointed.

But shit… Gusto ko na agad malaman kung ano’ng regalo n’ya sa ’kin. Sana pala sinabi ko na lang na ’wag na kaming pumunta sa after-party.

We just helped wrap things up before we went to the after-party venue. Our prof even provided alcoholic drinks pero limited lang. Just for the sake of hyping everyone up.

Everyone was having fun despite the exhaustion that we all felt. Kahit ako na hindi sanay sa mga ganoong party ay nag-enjoy din. I think we all let our exhaustion out through that party. It was more enjoyable to be exhausted after having fun.

I tried looking for Annika when Killian and I decided to go. Bigla na lang kasi s’yang nawala sa tabi ko nang makarating kami sa venue. I found her talking to one of the male models that the other team recruited for them. I think he was a fine art student and quite popular for having a good face too.

Napangiti na lang ako. Annika seemed like she was enjoying herself. Masyado silang malapit sa isa’t isa habang nag-uusap. And I didn’t want to ruin the mood between them so I decided not to approach them. I’ll just text her na lang na umalis na kami ni Killian.

“You ready?” Killian asked nang balikan ko s’ya kung saan s’ya nakaupo. May mga kumakausap sa kanya kanina pero nang makita akong pabalik ay agad na tumayo at wala nang pinansin.

I smiled at him.

“Let’s go.”

Some were trying to talk to Killian as we headed outside, trying to make him stay longer pero tinatanguan n’ya lang. His hand was on the small of my back as he guided me. I noticed some girls checked me out when they realized where his hand was. Ang iba ay nginingitian ako. Meron namang tinataasan lang ako ng kilay.

We went inside his car and he started to drive away. I was smiling as I watched the night street. I really love the night lights. Nakakagaan sa pakiramdam. And maybe I was kinda tipsy so the lights even looked brighter now.

“Are we going to your place?” I asked.

I looked at him who was in the driver’s seat. Even with just his side profile, he still looked so handsomely dangerous. Kaya naman hindi ko na rin masisisi ang sarili ko kung bakit hindi ko nagawa ang una kong plano noon. Ang iwasan s’ya.

Gosh… Ang gwapo n’ya talaga.

He glanced at me. A shadow cast over his face made him look more mysterious. As if there was a horrible plan in his mind.

Pero ganoon naman talaga s’ya. He looked like he was always planning something evil. And yet people were still drawn to him.

“No,” he said. We’re going to where my penthouse is.“

“You even have a penthouse?”

Wow. Sobrang yaman n’ya naman? May sarili na s’yang bahay tapos may penthouse pa s’ya.

The corner of his lips rose for a smirk. Hindi s’ya nakatingin sa ’kin at sa daan na lang. But his right hand reached for my left thigh and stayed there throughout the rest of the drive. Nakangiting pinanood ko na lang ang dinaraanan namin.

He drove the car into a modern glass high-rise underground garage. The building was so tall it made me crane my neck so much, but I still couldn’t see the top. He stopped the car in front of a private elevator that was guarded by two men wearing black suits.

Killian opened the car door for me and I went out as one of the men pushed the elevator button. He held the door open as we walked up. Killian looked at me when we were inside the elevator.

“Do you want to see my penthouse first or my gift for you?” he asked.

Ilang sandali akong nag-isip. So, wala sa penthouse ’yung gift? Nasa ibang floor ba?

“The gift first.” Baka kasi hindi ko na gustuhing lumabas pa ng penthouse n’ya.

He pushed the button just three floors under the P button on the console. I looked at him as the elevator went up.

“What’s on the eighteenth floor?

“Your gift.”

I wet my lips.

“No. I mean what’s that floor for?”

He looked at me. There was some glint in his eyes I couldn’t name.

“You’ll see.”

As I watched the number indicator as the elevator goes up, I tried to think of what Killian’s gift will be. Wala akong ideya. He didn’t even give me a hint. Wala rin akong matandaan na pagkakataong tinanong n’ya ako para maging clue sa dapat n’yang ibigay sa ’kin.

Not that I was expecting anything. I think I’ll appreciate whatever he gives to me.

We got out of the elevator when it stopped on the eighteenth floor. Pero nakakailang hakbang pa lang ako nang mapatigil din.

There was nothing on that floor. Nothing. Not even a carpet, a chair, or a table. The place was dim as the only light was coming from the moon outside coming through the glass wall.

“What…?”

“Come on.”

I looked at Killian who was a few paces ahead of me. Napatigil din yata nang mapansing hindi ako nakasunod sa kanya.

“There’s nothing here,” I said.

“Your gift’s inside that door.”

He jerked his head toward the steel door on the right that I just noticed. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong nakaramdam ng kaba. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ’yon. I could even feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up as I stared at that steel door.

I heard the elevator doors close behind me. For a moment, I thought of backing out. Bigla ay parang gusto ko na lang umuwi.

“Come on, Irina.” Killian even held his hand out for me.

Napalunok ako. I couldn’t clearly see his face. Nakatalikod kasi s’ya sa liwanag. Shadow cast over him and he looked eerily evil. Ang kabang nararamdaman ko ay nahaluan na ng takot. I’ve never seen someone who looked so terrifying as him.

Still, this is Killian. I trust him. This is the man I am falling for.

That’s why despite my fear, I accepted his hand. He smirked, looking satisfied with what I did before he led me towards the steel door. Sa bawat hakbang ay mas lumalala lang ang kaba ko. Humihigpit ang kapit ko sa kamay ni Killian para siguruhing hindi ako nag-iisa sa lugar na ’yon.

The door was secured by a security lock and Killian pressed the passcode. Anxiety and fear were building more and more inside of my chest and I think I was even trembling now. The sound of the keypad as Killian pressed the code was deafening me. It sounded like a warning, telling me there was something frightening at the other side of that door.

He opened the door and went inside. Dahil hawak n’ya ang kamay ko ay sumunod ako sa kanya kahit nanginginig na rin ang mga tuhod ko. There was a warm light inside and I had to adjust my eyes.

When I did, I immediately regretted not following my instincts earlier.

A horrible smell attacked my nose. It had a strong metallic scent. Like copper as if something is rusty. Amoy na amoy iyon sa buong kwarto at nang mahanap ko kung saan nanggagaling iyon, malakas ang naging pagsinghap ko.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Two men sat on metal chairs in the middle of the room. Their clothes were tattered. Their heads hung low as if they had lost consciousness. There was a pool of blood on the floor beneath them.

Fuck… That was a smell of blood!

Blood was still dripping from their hands that were resting on each of the armchairs. That’s when I realized something.

Their fingernails were all gone.

“They are my gift to you.”

Wala sa sariling napatingin ako kay Killian. I found him staring at me, watching my expression.

A smirk formed on his lips when he saw me looking at him.

“Do you like the gift I prepared for you, love?”

Chapter 24

It felt as if my brain failed to function right now. I was just staring at Killian. I heard what he said but my brain refused to analyze it. Parang pumasok lang ang mga salita n’ya sa tenga ko pero lumabas din agad sa kabila.

I even felt numb and lightheaded. As if I wasn’t in my body at this moment. Pakiramdam ko nga, hindi rin ako nakatapak sa lupa. I couldn’t even feel my legs. I failed to register where I was or what I was seeing.

Or maybe, I felt like that as it was what I wish would happen right now. I was hoping that I wasn’t really here. That my eyes were just playing tricks on me. That everything around me was just something on my mind. Hindi ko man alam kung paanong bigla ko na lang maiisip ang ganitong senaryo but it won’t be a problem. As long as it would mean that everything’s happening right now isn’t real.

O kaya kahit sana panaginip lang ang lahat ng ’to. No. This was most likely a nightmare. Perhaps I drank more alcohol than I could handle at the after-party and passed out. That’s why I had this nightmare. And when I woke up, I was in my room, suffering from a severe hangover.

But I knew, even before I checked to see if I was dreaming, that everything was real. That I am indeed in this dreadful and filthy room. The smell of blood was all over the place. That there were two men in the middle of the room, passed out, beaten up, and bleeding everywhere. And Killian was staring at me with a smirk on his lips and a wicked glint in his eyes as if he was proud of what he was showing me.

I couldn’t understand how he could make that kind of expression. Na para bang wala lang sa kanya kung ano ang kalagayan ng dalawang lalaki. That he wasn’t even bothered by the sight and smell of blood. Na para bang sanay na s’ya dahil araw-araw n’yang nakikita ang ganito.

As if this is a part of his life.

But I wasn’t. This is… This is all too much for me. It was my first time seeing something so grotesque like this in person.

Madalas ay sa mga palabas ko lang nakikita ang mga ganito. Especially since Dad likes watching action movies. And Annika likes movies with gore themes. Nasanay na ako sa mga pinapanood nila.

Pero ang makita ang ganito sa personal… It was something I didn’t want and never will want. But it was as if Killian had shoved reality in my face. Because this was more than just a movie. As if he wanted me to know that it was also happening in real life.

“So…? Do you like it?” Killian asked when I remained silent for a while.

I looked at him but I still couldn’t understand everything. He was expecting me to say something, to answer him pero hindi ko alam kung ano ba’ng sasabihin ko.

“What?” I breathe unable to think clearly.

“My gift. Do you like it?” He even tilted his head to the side, waiting for my answer.

I just remained staring at him. I just wished this was some kind of a bad joke. Or a prank. That he’d tell me he was just kidding. That those two men inside this room beside us were just acting. And then Killian will apologize to me for making a sick joke like this.

But he was serious. I could see it in his eyes. There was only curiosity in them as he looked at me. Gusto n’ya lang malaman kung nagustuhan ko ba ang regalo n’ya.

This was all real. The stench of blood was real. Those two men were really hurt.

My lips trembled and my body shivered at the same time. Suddenly, the air inside the room felt so cold. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. There was no window inside na pwedeng panggalingan ng hangin. Pero sobrang lamig ng nararamdaman ko at grabe ang panginginig ng buong katawan ko.

“What do you expect me to say?” I asked, barely a whisper.

Ayokong gumalaw. Ayokong alisin ang tingin ko kay Killian. I didn’t want to see those men again. I didn’t want to see the pool of blood on the floor even though the stench was too much that it was making me nauseous. I didn’t want to look anywhere but him kasi natatakot akong may makita pang hindi ko magustuhan.

But out of the corner of my eye, just behind him, near the wall, I noticed a steel cart with various tools laying on top of it. I didn’t want to think about it any further, but my stubborn brain, which chose the right time to function properly, came up with a lot of possibilities for what those tools could be used for.

My eyes blurred. My mind and emotions were in disarray right now and I started to feel so helpless. I didn’t want this. I wish this was not happening. I want to go home.

And Killian noticed it. He noticed that any moment now, tears would fall from my eyes.

“You don’t like it?” he even asked.

Mas lalo akong na-frustrate. I was feeling so terrified, helpless, and my body began to tremble uncontrollably.

“What makes you think I would like something like this?” Kahit ang boses ko ay nanginginig na. I started to feel so cold and it was making it hard for me to breathe.

“But I prepared this just for you, Irina. I thought you’d like this.” Killian frowned. He looked confused.

“I don’t like any single bit of this, Killian. I’m so scared.”

Hindi ko alam kung narinig n’ya ’yon dahil hirap na hirap ako sa pagsasalita. I was breathing so fast right now because air was leaving my lungs and I was trying to catch it. I was even wheezing.

Killian just stared at me. Nawalan ng kahit anong emosyon ang mga mata n’ya at nakatitig lang sa ’kin. I tried to take a step toward him, to hold onto him pero ayaw gumalaw ng katawan ko.

“I want to get out of this room, please,” I pleaded with everything I have. I was feeling suffocated. Pakiramdam ko anumang oras ay hindi na talaga ako makakahinga.

But he just looked away from me. No. He was looking at those men and even with his side profile, I could see no expression on his face. As if he was just looking at something, a normal scene in front of him. Na para bang walang mali sa lahat ng nangyayari ngayon. He wasn’t even disturbed by what he was looking at.

“Killian,” I could even hear the pleading in my own voice.

He looked at me again. I realized then that my fear wasn’t because of those two unconscious men or their blood on the floor. I realized the reason why I was feeling cold.

It was because of him. Because of Killian. Looking at him now, he had the coldest expression I’ve ever seen.

“I should just kill them, then.”

“What?”

“You didn’t like my gift. So, I’ll just kill them,” he said like it was the most normal thing to do.

He’ll kill them because I didn’t like his gift?

“I d-didn’t— I didn’t even ask for a gift like this.”

“I thought you’d want to at least get back for what they did to you.”

I blinked. I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Tumigil na naman yata sa pag-intindi ang utak ko. Plus, the pressure of his dark eyes staring at me.

“Don’t you recognize them?” he asked. Titig na titig s’ya sa mga mata ko.

Of course, I don’t. I couldn’t even see their faces. Nakayuko lang ang dalawang lalaki. Ni hindi nga gumagalaw. And I’m so scared to think that they’re already dead.

I heard him heave a deep breath.

“Alright.”

I heard his steps as he walked to the middle of the room, toward the men. Hindi ko s’ya sinundan ng tingin. Hindi ako gumalaw. Without him in my sight, I felt like I was in great danger. Even if he was the most dangerous person in this room.

I heard a grunt. Pinilit ko pa rin ang sarili ko na huwag lumingon. My heart was beating so loud. Nakaramdam ako ng kung anong bara sa lalamunan ko kasabay nang muling pagtutubig ng mga mata ko.

“Take a look at them, Irina,” Killian said. “See if you recognize them.”

I didn’t move. I don’t want to. Somehow, I had this thought that whatever I would see if I turned my head would be a hundred times much worse than the scene I saw earlier.

I bit my lower lip as my lips tremble. Why is Killian doing this? Akala ko palagi n’ya akong maiintindihan. Na palagi n’yang malalaman ang nararamdaman ko. Didn’t he know that I am feeling so terrified right now? What he’s doing terrifies me.

I could feel sweat trickling down the side of my face despite how cold I was feeling. Hindi na maganda ang nararamdam ko. I feel like I would faint anytime now.

“Eyes. Here. Irina.”

I didn’t want to. I never want to. I’m really scared.

Pero hindi ko alam, sa kabila ng lahat, mas natatakot pa rin akong hindi sundin ang sinabi ni Killian. Not when he sounded so impatient and strict.

Maybe part of me recognized that a much worse thing might happen if I disobeyed him. Because he’s the most dangerous and terrifying man inside this room.

Kaya kahit na natatakot ako, kahit nanginginig ang buong katawan ko, kahit mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa kaba at takot, at nahihirapan akong huminga, I willed myself to look at his direction.

The side of his lips rose for a smirk, satisfied that I did what he wanted. Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa mga mata n’ya. I didn’t want my gaze to focus on anything else. But Killian had a different plan in his mind.

“Here. Check if you recognize them.”

He then grabbed the two men by the hair on top of their heads and yanked them up so I could see their faces. I heard a grunt from the man on his left dahil sa rahas ng paghablot ni Killian sa buhok nila. Pero nanatiling walang malay ang isa. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t stop my eyes from looking down at them.

Their faces were barely recognizable. Punong-puno ng mga pasa at sugat ang mga mukha nila at may dugo rin doon. Ang iba ay natuyo na. Their faces were swollen. Ang isang lalaking nagising ay halos hindi na maimulat ang mga mata. But as soon as he saw me, his eyes widened.

He groaned. I heard him whimpering as he tried to say something but the words caught on the back of his throat. Because he couldn’t make out any words.

He couldn’t speak. Not when his mouth was sewn shut.

But I could already tell what he was trying to say by the look in his eyes. He was pleading with me to let him escape. Or… probably to just kill him so he wouldn’t suffer anymore. Terror was written all over his bruised face.

“Do you know who they are, love?” I heard Killian say.

I couldn’t. Not with their swollen faces, full of blood and bruises. Pero sa tanong na ’yon ni Killian, bigla akong nagkaroon ng ideya. He even looked like he expected me to recognize those two men.

I think I know who they are, and I finally understand why he gave me this kind of gift and why he even thought I would like it somehow.

But I didn’t answer him. Ayoko. Because if I do, if I admit that I knew them, it would feel like I completely understood Killian and why he did this. And I didn’t want to understand him. I didn’t want to acknowledge what he had done.

Because even if he didn’t say it, I knew that it was he who did those things to those men. He was the reason why there was blood on the floor and why they were unconscious… or dead.

The danger that I always feel around him, the darkness, and the wickedness I always see in his eyes. The thought that I had back then was that he enjoyed watching others suffer, I was right about it.

He enjoys torture. Killian is ruthless.

My body trembled violently. I felt sick even more. Acid builds inside my stomach. When I couldn’t bear it any longer, I covered my mouth with my palm and fled the room as fast as I could. I barely made it before vomiting everything that wanted to come out of my stomach.

I crouched down on the floor as I vomited. Tears welled up in my eyes at mabilis ding iyong tumulo. My stomach hurt so much and I felt horrible. I tried to shut my mind off what I saw inside that room pero hindi pa rin tumigil ang pagsusuka ko.

What the hell was that? Bakit ipinakita sa ’kin ni Killian ang ganoon? I couldn’t take it. No one in their right mind could take that kind of scene.

Si Killian lang. S’ya lang.

I wiped my mouth as soon as my stomach calmed down. But I hadn’t composed myself yet when a hand grabbed my arm and forced me to stand up. Bumangga ako sa dibdib ni Killian and my reflex told me to move away from him as far as possible pero hindi n’ya ako hinayaang makalayo sa kanya. His grip on my arm was tight.

Naghalo-halo na ang mga emosyong nararamdaman ko. I didn’t know what to do with them. Maybe that’s why when I saw Killian looking intently at me with a frown as if he didn’t have any clue why I suddenly bolted out of the room, it triggered me. I couldn’t stop my hand and before I knew it, I slapped him on the face.

He didn’t give any sign that I hurt him kahit na nakita ko kaagad ang pamumula ng pisngi n’ya. He was just looking down at me. His eyes were intense as ever. Bigla akong natakot sa isipin na nagalit ko s’ya.

But I felt his grip on my arm loosen a bit. Sinubukan ko ulit kumawala sa kanya pero mukhang alam ni Killian ang pinaplano ko at mas lalo akong hinigit palapit sa kanya.

“Why?” he even dared ask. “I still don’t understand.”

Anong why? Bakit n’ya tinatanong ’yon? Wala talaga s’yang ideya kung bakit ako nagkakaganito?

I felt so frustrated and scared. I felt helpless. I felt suffocated. Exhausted. Muling namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko.

“What were you even thinking—”

I stopped. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa kanya. Ang dami kong gustong itanong. But I felt so exhausted I just wanna lay down and rest. I had enough for today. It wasn’t only my body that felt tired but my mind as well. Kaya hindi ko na malabanan ang pagod ko.

I just wished that Killian would let me go now. Pero sa nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya, mukhang wala iyon sa isip n’ya.

“I thought you’d like to get back to them for hurting you.” He was even frowning. Parang nagtataka pa na hindi ganoon ang iniisip ko. “You recognized them, right?”

I gritted my teeth. Tumulo na ang mga luha ko.

“Yes!” Nainis na ako sa paulit-ulit n’yang tanong na ’yon kaya napasigaw na ako. “Yes, I freaking recognized them!”

“Then why didn’t you want to take revenge for what they did?”

“Revenge? Killian, I don’t even want to remember what happened before! I was trying to forget it! But you shoved it in my face again! You made me remember that terrifying night again!”

His frown deepened.

“You really think you’d be able to forget it? You really think you’d be fine if you do that?”

“Yes!”

“Then, you’re fucking wrong, Irina!”

Natigilan ako. He looked mad. Ngayon ko lang yata s’ya nakitang ganitong nagalit. And I think his anger wasn’t directed at me as I saw something in his eyes. There was a coldness in them mixed with anger but behind that… I saw a different emotion I never thought I would see in him. Pero agad din iyong nawala that I thought my eyes were just tricking me sa dami ng nakita ko ngayon.

“You’re wrong. You won’t be fine if you just try to forget about it,” sabi n’yang mas kalmado na.

But that was what scared me again. Na-realize kong mas nakakatakot s’ya kapag kalmado s’ya.

And when he smirked, a shiver went down my spine. He was… terrifying.

“You can only be at peace if you make them pay. Do to them what they did to you.” He chuckled. “An eye for an eye.”

Binitiwan n’ya ang braso ko but I couldn’t even take a single step away from him. I just stayed rooted in my place as Killian stared at me. His eyes never left mine.

“Those men hurt you,” he said. “What I did wasn’t even enough but I held myself back for you.”

He held himself back?

“Now, if you didn’t want to exact your vengeance on them, I’ll just do what I want. I will not allow them to get away with what they did to you.” He tilted his head to the side. “And I’m not going to hold back this time.”

I didn’t know what he was planning to do but I don’t want to think about it anymore. I just think that he will do even worse to them. Baka nga wala pa sa kalahati ang nakita ko kanina sa plano n’yang gagawin pa sa kanila.

With that, I just realized, I really didn’t know him. Hindi ko pa s’ya kilala. ’Yung mga nakita ko sa kanya sa mga panahong magkasama pa kami, mukhang walang-wala pa iyon sa totong Killian.

And yet… why did I even fall in love with him despite that?

“It’s true, then…” I said. “The rumor about you being in the Mafia.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. Mukhang hindi inaasahan ang sinabi ko.

But… that was the only explanation, right? Why he could do something so… horrible to those people. His way was so brutal I couldn’t even imagine how he’d do it. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit parang normal na sa kanya ang bagay na ’yon, right? Parang sanay na sanay na s’ya. He didn’t even mind the blood on the floor as if it didn’t disturb him like it did to me.

As if violence is an everyday part of his life.

“If you want to know more about me, you can ask me directly, love,” he said. “I’ll willingly tell you everything.”

He took a step toward me while I stepped away. Ang akala ko, maiinis s’ya dahil gusto n’ya palaging magkalapit kami. But it seemed like he even enjoyed it. He knew he could just grab my arm again and pull me toward him. He knew I wouldn’t be able to get away from him but he didn’t stop me from backing away.

It was the behavior of a predator hunting its prey.

“Yes. I’m part of the Bratva,” he said. “I own this whole building. And this floor, especially that room is my torture chamber.”

“What?”

“Hmm… What else?” Umakto pa s’yang nag-iisip. “Oh. I’m not a real Romanov. I’m adopted. But the previous Pakhan and Serj treated me like their own family. Do you get what I’m saying?”

That surprised me. Hindi ko akalain na ganoong kadali n’ya lang iyong sasabihin. I didn’t even expect him to tell me. Parang wala lang nga ’yon sa kanya. As if he wasn’t even trying to keep it a secret.

While me…

I gasped. I stared at Killian. He was staring right into my eyes as if he was stripping me naked so he could see my soul, so he could know what I was thinking.

I started to panic. My body began trembling again, but this time, sa ibang dahilan na ako natatakot. Hindi ko alam pero parang… parang may gustong ibang iparating si Killian kaya n’ya sinabi sa ’kin iyon.

I took another step backward and I was thankful that Killian just stood in his place. I didn’t want him near me. Not when my mind was spiraling right now.

Naparami kong bagay ang kinatakutan ngayon at hindi ko na alam kung ano pa’ng gagawin ko. O kung magiging maayos pa ba ako pagkatapos nito. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng mga nakita at nalaman ko. Pero isang bagay ang pinakainaalala ko.

He couldn’t possibly know, could he? The truth about my childbirth?

“No…” I shook my head. “No…”

I took another step away from him. Strength was leaving me but I held onto my ground. Hindi ngayon ang oras para manghina ako.

I need to get away.

“Stay away from me,” I said.

Emotions left his face. His stares became heavy. Mas nadagdagan ang takot ko.

“Stay away from me,” ulit ko at muling umatras palayo sa kanya. “Don’t come near me again!”

Mabilis kong tinakbo ang distansya papunta sa elevator. I pushed the button and was glad that the doors immediately opened. Ibig sabihin, walang ibang gumamit noon. Totoo ang sinabi ni Killian na pag-aari n’ya nga ang buong building na ’to.

I went inside and hurriedly pushed the button to the ground floor. Paglingon ko kay Killian, hindi man lang s’ya gumalaw sa pwesto n’ya. Hindi n’ya ako sinubukang sundan. But he was looking at me. The moonlight behind him casted a shadow over him, making him look like a terrifying monster waiting in the dark.

And just when the doors of the elevator were about to close, our gaze met. I noticed his lips rose, giving me a terrifying smirk.

Nanginginig ang katawan ko kahit na nang makarating ang elevator sa baba at bumukas ang pinto. I was afraid that the men guarding the elevators would stop me. Alam kong gagawin nila ’yon kapag inutos ni Killian. Pero hinayaan lang nila akong makalabas at tumakbo palayo sa lugar na ’yon.

My tears fell as I ran as fast as I could. As far away as I could. Kanina lang ay sobrang saya ko. I thought nothing could ever take that happiness away from me. Pero natabunan agad iyon ng takot dahil sa ginawa ni Killian.

The flowers that my dad gave me were inside Killian’s car. I wanted to keep it as a remembrance of the day that my parents showed their support for me. Of the day that I made my parents proud.

But I had to leave it. I have to. Not when I was running away from that place. Not when I didn’t want to talk to Killian again.

I have to get away from him.

Chapter 25

Maybe it was good that the school year was almost finished and we already had our final exam. Hindi na masyadong makakaapekto sa computation ng grades naming if we didn’t attend the class anymore dahil naipasa na rin naman naming ang lahat ng requirements so there was really no need for me to go to the university anymore.

It was such great timing. Especially since Killian will graduate this semester assuming he passed all his subjects and his internship. Ibig sabihin, wala na s’ya sa university next school year.

There would only be a small chance for us to see each other anymore. Hindi na ako mahihirapang iwasan s’ya kung sakali.

Because when I told myself that I should get away from him, alam kong mahihirapan ako lalo pa at iisang university lang ang pinapasukan namin. Even the first time I tried to avoid him, I had no chance. Killian was everywhere. He was all over the campus, always hanging around outside our classroom. There was even one time when he sat in on one of our subjects. Parang may nananadyang magkita talaga kami.

Or maybe it was all Killian’s doing.

But he won’t be around the campus for the next semester. Hindi ko na s’ya makikita roon. There won’t be anyone now who would hang out outside our room staring at me, watching like a hawk waiting to attack his prey. I wouldn’t be bothered by his presence anymore. I would finally be at peace and focus on my studies this time with no more distractions.

I blinked. I was laying on my bed, motionless, and just staring at the ceiling of my room. The ceiling lights were on at doon ako nakatitig kanina pa that my eyes started hurting. Pero hindi ko pa rin iyon pinapatay even if the brightness was starting to bother me.

“Irina?” I heard a knock from outside the door of my room. I knew it was my mother. Pero hindi ako tumayo at inilingon lang ang ulo ko sa gawi ng pinto.

The door opened and my mom frowned when she saw me lying still on the bed. Pumasok s’ya sa loob at lumapit sa ’kin.

“It’s late. Why are you still awake?” she asked as she sat on the side of the bed.

Ilang sandali lang akong tumitig kay Mommy as my mind was so slow to register what she said. Kahit nga ang presensya n’ya sa loob ng kwarto ko. It was only then that it finally sunk into my mind that she was sitting on the side of my bed.

“I just… I’m not sleepy yet.”

Hinaplos ni Mommy ang buhok ko.

“Is there something on your mind?”

Hindi ko agad nasagot si Mommy as my mind started to drift somewhere again. I have a lot on my mind right now. Hindi lang ngayon. Nitong mga nakaraang araw din. But I couldn’t tell my mom about it. I couldn’t tell anyone about it. I shouldn’t.

I wanted to draw. I wanted to make more designs and be creative even if school vacation will start soon. I want to be productive. But I couldn’t think of anything if there was something else that has been bugging my mind. Kahit na anong pilit kong alisin iyon sa utak ko at piliting kalimutan na lang ang nangyari, my mind refused to do so. Paulit-ulit ang mga bagay na ’yon sa utak ko.

The empty floor. The dim room. The filthy stench. The two men. Their blood on the floor.

And… Killian.

I shivered. Hinigit ko ang comforter at itinabing iyon sa buong katawan ko. The air-condition in my room wasn’t on but it was a cold night. Inisip ko na lang na dahil doon kaya biglang nanayo ang mga balahibo ko sa katawan.

“Okay…” I heard my mother say before she sighed. Nakalimutan kong nasa kwarto ko pa pala s’ya. “I’ll leave you alone for the time being. I just came in to check on you and noticed the light in your room was still on. I assumed you fell asleep and forgot to turn out the light.”

“I want it on, Mom,” I just said.

She frowned a bit.

“That’s new. You couldn’t fall asleep with the lights on.” Tumayo na s’ya. “Should I turn it off on my way out?”

I shook my head.

“No. It’s okay. Goodnight, Mom.”

Ilang sandali akong tinitigan ni Mommy. Alam kong nahahalata na n’yang may kakaiba sa mga kinikilos ko and she was getting worried. But… I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.

“Okay… Goodnight, Irina.”

I stared at the ceiling again as Mom closed the door on her way out. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at sinubukang matulog. But lately, I have been having a hard time sleeping.

I focused on the light even with my eyes closed. Kung dati, sa mga ganitong oras, nakapatay na ang mga ilaw sa loob ng kwarto ko, especially in bedtime as I want to sleep with complete darkness. Hirap akong makatulog kapag maliwanag ang paligid ko.

Before, I found darkness and silence as my solitude. I felt at peace as if nothing could disturb me. Wala akong kailangang isipin. Walang makakapanakit sa ’kin. I felt safe.

But now… It was different. I began fearing the dark. Darkness has a different meaning for me now.

I closed my eyes hard, praying that sleep would finally come to me.

It’s… It’s all real, isn’t it? Will I ever be able to forget about it?

I wanted to blame Killian. I wanted to get mad at him. Pero sa kabila ng takot na nararamdaman ko, sa kabila ng mga gabing nahihirapan akong makatulog dahil naaalala ko ang pangyayaring ’yon, hindi ako makaramdam ng galit para sa kanya.

Because deep inside me, that sick and ugly part of me, was happy for what he did with those men.

And I was doing everything I could not to acknowledge those ideas. I wanted to shove that part of myself away or keep it locked within myself.

That part of myself who agreed with what Killian said. That I would not be fine if I simply forgot what those men had done to me. That I will not be at rest unless I seek revenge for what they did. It’s eye for an eye.

And… That part of me that wished to see or see what Killian did to those men. To listen to their cries. To watch them beg to just kill them, hearing them express regret for what they did.

That part of me that was happy that those men suffered as well.

Maybe it’s not what Killian made me see that I’m afraid of. Maybe the fear had nothing to do with it. Maybe… I was afraid of myself for having such ideas. And I was just a hypocrite thinking badly of him when I also had those thoughts.

Maybe Killian was wrong. I wasn’t really perfect. I wasn’t beautiful. I was… hideous.

Lumipas ang bakasyon nang wala man lang akong nagawa. I couldn’t even think of any design at all. I couldn’t even draw. Even when our family went out of town, hindi man lang ako nag-enjoy. I just stayed inside the room most of the time. I wasn’t in the mood. But I tried to pretend that I was having fun dahil ayoko namang masira ang bakasyon namin.

So, when the classes resumed for the new school year, I was kind of relieved. I thought that maybe, since I have a reason to draw now as I know there will be a time that we will make our own design again, I would get inspired again. Mawawala ang ibang iniisip ko. I thought that maybe this time, I could focus on my studies again.

Since we were in the block section, my classmates were familiar faces. Kaya rin maingay na kaagad ang room sa pagpasok ko pa lang. They were exchanging stories about their vacation. They all looked happy and excited, smiling widely as if they had a great vacation.

It felt as if I had gone into the wrong room. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi dapat ako nandoon. I felt differently. Around me were all happy faces while I still didn’t know what I was and should feel right now. For a moment, I thought of just going home and skipping the class.

First day pa lang naman. We were still in our adjustment period. Mapagbibigyan pa kung a-absent ako ngayon.

But that thought went out of my mind when Annika spotted me.

“Irina!” she called and waved a hand at me, motioning me to go near her.

Lumapit naman ako sa kanya. May bakanteng space sa tabi n’ya and I figured she saved a spot for me kaya doon ako umupo.

“I missed you!” Saglit pa n’ya akong niyakap. “How are you? You weren’t replying to my chats!”

Ngiting-ngiti si Annika. Noong una ay nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. Pinag-iisipan ko kasi kung sasabihin ko sa kanya ang mga naisip ko, ang mga nalaman ko… Ang mga nangyari. But Annika looked so excited and happy right now. I didn’t want to ruin her mood. Ayokong… Ayokong maramdaman din n’ya ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell her. This was my problem anyway. Besides, may palagay akong marami ring mga bagay ang hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanya. I knew I wouldn’t tell her the whole thing.

So, I forced a smile on my lips. Para lang hindi s’ya makahalat na may pinoproblema ako ngayon.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Mom didn’t want me and Yulia to use our phones much. She wanted us to enjoy the vacation.”

“And Yulia complied?” she asked. “I mean, she’s always on her phone, right? I have the impression that her phone is glued on her hand.”

Bahagya akong natawa. Alam n’ya kasing laging hawak ni Yulia ang phone n’ya. Halos hindi na nga mabitiwan.

“Yeah… She didn’t have much of a choice, anyway. That was the condition that our mother laid on us. Yulia was the one who suggested we take a vacation outside of town.”

“Oh, okay… I get it.” Napatango-tango pa si Annika. “Did you have fun though?”

No.

Mas lalo pang naging pilit ang ngiti ko ngayon. Sana lang ay hindi makahalata si Annika.

“Yeah… I got a lot of inspiration.”

“Oh, my gosh, same!” masayang sabi ni Annika. “I made three designs! Do you want to see them?”

Hindi pa ako nakakasagot pero naghalungkat na si Annika sa loob ng bag n’ya. She took out her sketch pad, flipped the pages before she gave it to me. She looked excited as she showed her designs to me. Sa tingin ko ay inaabangan n’ya ako kanina pang pumasok para ipakita sa ’kin ang mga nagawa n’ya.

I didn’t want to look at it. But Annika was already explaining the details of her designs and I had no choice but to listen. Wala na rin akong nagawa kundi ang tingnan ang mga gawa n’ya.

The moment I saw them, insecurity, sadness, and anxiety filled me. Ang ganda kasi ng mga nagawa ni Annika. I could tell that she was inspired when she was making them as if the ideas were overflowing in her brain. I bet that she still had many designs she could draw but she just limits herself since she was on vacation as well.

She was really talented. Alam ko naman ’yon sa umpisa pa lang. Even though she looked like she wasn’t serious about her studies as she was always going out, jumping from one fling to another, and always having fun, alam kong kahit kailan ay hindi iyon magiging problema sa kanya.

She’s natural. She has a talent. Para bang lagi s’yang makakagawa ng mga design at hindi na n’ya kailangang piloting mag-isip ang sarili n’ya.

“They’re beautiful, Annika,” I said.

Her smile widened.

“Thank you! But I know yours are more beautiful. Can I see them?”

Natigilan ako. Hindi kaagad nakapagsalita. Iniisip ko kasi kung paano sasabihin sa kanya na wala man lang akong nagawa kahit isa. That I couldn’t even think of any design. That I couldn’t even draw anything.

Nahalata ni Annika ang pagkakatigil ko. Her smile faded and I saw a hint of worry in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

I just stared at her. For a while, I considered telling her everything. Baka matulungan n’ya ako. Maybe she could get me inspired too.

But I couldn’t. May parte na rin sa ’kin ang ayaw magsabi sa kanya. Something inside me tells me that it was something I shouldn’t tell anyone.

“Nothing.” I forced a smile. “I couldn’t draw even if I wanted to. My mom just wanted me to relax and enjoy the vacation as well.”

Of course, that was a complete lie. Hindi ako kailanman pinigilan ni Mommy sa paggawa ng mga design. Even if we were in the middle of having fun, she never stopped me from picking up a pencil and drawing my ideas on sketch pad. Naniniwala kai s’yang hindi dapat pinapalagpas ang anumang ideya, especially in fashion industry.

“Oh, that’s okay. At least you enjoyed your vacation.”

Ngumiti na lang ako sa kanya kahit na pilit iyon. I couldn’t tell her that I couldn’t even get to enjoy my vacation as well. Wala ngang nangyari. Pakiramdam ko ay nasayang ang mga araw na ’yon dahil wala man lang akong nagawang kahit ano.

“But I’m sad though,” Annika said after a while. “I think this school wouldn’t be enjoyable, unlike last year.”

I frowned.

“Why?”

Tiningnan ako ni Annika na para bang hindi makapaniwalang tinanong ko ’yon.

“My Serj graduated! And just in case you’ve forgotten, Killian graduated as well so I figured you’ll be lonelier.”

Bigla akong nanlamig. Hearing his name still makes my heart beat fast with excitement. But there was also a different kind of nervousness I felt.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sasabihin ko. I didn’t know how I reacted before whenever Killian was mentioned.

“But it’ll be fine. I’m sure it won’t be a problem,” Annika said, completely oblivious to my dilemma. “Did the two of you go out during the school break?”

Annika looked expectant. Kahit na itinanong iyon, alam kong may inaasahan na s’yang sagot. She assumed that Killian and I were still seeing each other and she wanted me to tell stories about him, about our date.

I took a deep breath before I shook my head.

“No.”

Annika frowned.

“No?” she asked. “Not even once?”

Muli akong umiling and she looked surprised.

“Why? When was the last time you saw each other?”

I sighed.

“The day we had our fashion show.”

“What? I can’t believe it. I mean you two left the after-party together, right?”

“Yeah… And that was also the last day we’ve seen each other.”

“Why?” Annika looked so confused. As if she couldn’t grasp what I was saying. “You two are together, right? I know Killian is serious about you. And you told me you like him!”

I took another deep breath. I was trying to calm myself.

“No, Annika. We were not even together. I told you, I was just one of his passing flings.”

“You’re not!” giit pa n’ya. “He treats you differently! I know he has feelings for you—”

“Cut it, Annika!” hindi ko na napigilan ang inis ko. “Whatever’s between me and him, it’s over, okay? I don’t want to talk about it again.”

Nakita ko ang gulat sa mga mata ni Annika habang nakatingin sa ’kin. Hindi yata inaasahan ang inis ko. I rarely snapped at her. Alam din n’yang mahaba ang pasensya ko so I couldn’t blame her if she looked surprised right now.

I felt a binge of guilt pero nag-iwas lang ako ng tingin sa kanya. Annika didn’t have any idea of what happened and I could at least understand her confusion. But I wouldn’t tell her anything. I won’t.

It was a good thing that our professor came at that moment. Hindi naging mahaba ang awkwardness sa pagitan naming ni Annika. And as if we had a silent agreement, we decided to just forget about it and act as if I didn’t snap at her.

We acted normal after that. Although there was a slight awkwardness between us, still we tried to get past it. Kahit na alam na alam kong gustong magtanong ni Annika. I know she knew something happened. Baka nga iniisip n’ya na rin na si Killian ang dahilan kung bakit wala man lang akong nagawang kahit anong design nu’ng bakasyon and I just lied to her earlier. Still, I was glad that Annika didn’t push me. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano’ng sasabihin ko.

Because it was just the first day of class, tatlo sa professor namin ang hindi pumasok sa araw na ’yon. We had time to catch up with our classmates. Annika was having fun exchanging stories with them. Ang dami nilang kwento. Tahimik lang naman akong nakikinig dahil wala rin naman akong makukwento sa kanila.

Hindi pa rin sila matapos sa kwentuhan kahit nang mag-uwian na. Parang ayaw pa ngang mga umuwi. But I couldn’t stay any longer. I felt tired even though we didn’t do much that day. Pakiramdam ko, ubos na ang lakas ko at gusto ko na lang ay umuwi sa bahay at magkulong sa kwarto ko.

“You could stay with them if you want to,” sabi ko kay Annika habang naglalakad na kami palabas ng university. Nagpaalam na rin kasi s’ya sa mga kaklase namin nang magsabi akong uuwi na.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I need to go home to get ready for my date later.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

“Still the same guy or…”

“Oh, this is new,” she said. “We met at a coffee shop. He shared a table with me and the next thing I knew, we hit it off.”

Natatawang napabuntong-hininga na lang ako. I sometimes admire her social skills. Mabilis kasi s’yang makipagkaibigan. Masarap ding kausap.

“Irina…”

I looked at her.

“Hmm?”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Saglit akong napatigil sa paglalakad. Gano’n din s’ya. She smiled warmly at me.

“I’m not forcing you though. But I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”

I stared at her. Ilang beses ko na bang nasabi sa sarili ko na maswerte akong naging kaibigan ko si Annika? That despite our differences, we were able to become friends.

I smiled back at her.

“Thank you, Annika.”

Her smile widened.

“But you’re wrong, though.” Nagsimula na ulit s’yang maglakad at sinabayan ko s’ya.

I frowned at her.

“What?”

Her smile was different this time as if she knew something that I don’t.

“I don’t think you’re just one of his passing flings.”

Mas lalong napakunot ang noo ko.

“What are you talking about?”

She looked ahead while I remained staring at her, waiting for her to elaborate on what she said.

Annika laughed. Muli s’yang tumingin sa ’kin.

“I think someone’s waiting for you,” sabi n’ya at muling tumingin sa harap.

Nakakunot-noo kong sinundan ang tingin n’ya. Na agad ding nawala nang makita ang isang taong ilang hakbang ang layo mula sa ’min.

It was Killian.

His car was parked just on the side of the road. He was leaning his hips on the hood of his car while his hands were in the side pockets of his black slacks. He was wearing a black denim long sleeve shirt na nakarolyo ang sleeves hanggang siko n’ya. He looked so casual as if he owned every single thing in this world.

His lips tugged into a smirk as soon as our gaze met. Napatigil naman ako sa paglalakad, hindi na makagalaw at nakatitig na lang sa kanya.

Napatayo si Killian at naglakad palapit sa ’kin. I couldn’t do anything but just watched him walk towards me when I knew I should get away from him.

I told that myself, right? That I would get away from Killian. But I didn’t know why I just stood there until he was finally a step away in front of me and I could already smell his cologne.

Ah… I know. It was eyes. It was those deep green orbs that prevented me from moving. The way he pinned me with his intense gaze was enough to tell me that I shouldn’t go anywhere.

His smirk turned cruel. He seemed content that I just did what he wanted. That I had once again fallen under his spell.

“Hey, love,” he said. “It’s been a while.”

And no matter what I do, there is no escaping him.

Chapter 26

When I told Killian to stay away from me, I knew he wouldn’t listen. With all of the times we’ve spent together, I’ve learned that he was not the type of guy who would do what they were told simply because someone asked them to. So, his being in front of me right now should be no surprise. But, for some reason, I was still taken aback.

I knew that so well. I knew that I would see him again pero hindi ko napaghandaan ang pagkikita naming ngayon. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano’ng gagawin ko. I just kept on staring at him, still rooted in my place, while my mind was spiraling inside my head. Bigla akong nablangko.

Or maybe that was how it really was. Siguro ganoon lang talaga ang epekto sa ’kin ni Killian and I couldn’t do anything about it. Every time he was near, every time he was around, or every time he was in front of me, all I could do was stare at him while my mind was going crazy and my heart was beating erratically inside my chest.

I hated it. I hate how his presence was affecting me this much. Na kahit sa kabila ng mga ipinakita n’ya sa ’kin nu’ng huli kaming magkita, sa kabila ng takot ko, hindi ko pa rin maiwasan ang maapektuhan sa kanya.

And the stupid part of me even thought that my feeling for him would go away just because we didn’t see each other. But of course, it didn’t.

I guess Killian has already invaded the deepest part of my heart. Dahil sa mga panahong hindi ko s’ya nakita, mas lumalim pa ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. The time we spent apart together had only intensified the longing and feelings I had for him.

Killian was also staring at me. But, unlike me, he had a hideous grin on his lips. His head was inclined to the side, and he eyed me with those deep green orbs as if I was some kind of puzzle that he was having difficulty solving, and he was on the edge of using force just to solve it.

“How have you been?” he asked.

Hindi ako sumagot. I just gritted my teeth and balled my fist. Pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong mas lumapit pa sa kanya. Because a part of me had been wanting to do that since I saw him today. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel his warmth against my body again.

And I was so ashamed for what I was feeling right now. Mas lalo pa akong nainis sa sarili ko dahil parang nabalewala ang takot na naramdaman ko noon. Ang ilang mga gabing hindi ako makatulog nang maayos. Ang mga bangungot ko. Ang naging takot ko sa dilim. Nawala ang lahat ng mga ’yon dahil mas lamang ang tindi ng nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

He raised an eyebrow when I didn’t answer him. Mas lumawak ang ngisi n’ya. Parang alam kung gaano ako nahihirapan ngayon.

“Did you miss me?” Killian asked with a voice that was deep and hoarse at the same time and it made me remember some things. “Because I have missed you so fucking much, love.”

I heard Annika squeal beside me. Niyugyog pa nang bahagya ang braso ko na parang hindi mapigilan ang kilig. While I was trying to ignore the fast beating of my heart and the effect of his words. And Killian noticed my expression dahil kanina pa n’ya hindi inaalis ang tingin sa ’kin.

I glared at him when he chuckled lightly. Iyong bahagyang tawa na walang tunog. He was amused, I know that. And I didn’t know why every reaction I had for him seemed to amuse him.

Annika nudged my shoulder. Napatingin ako sa kanya.

“He’s asking you,” bulong n’ya na medyo may kalakasan.

Nainis ako. And it was unfair to Annika dahil wala naman s’yang alam sa nangyari sa ’min ni Killian.

I looked at him and I made sure he could see my irritation.

“Why are you here?” I asked. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay napansin ko ang pagkakagulat ni Annika sa narinig na inis sa boses ko.

But Killian didn’t mind. He even shrugged his shoulders casually.

“I’m here to see you.”

Mas lalo akong nainis as it did something to my heart. I bit my lower lip and glared at Killian more.

“I told you to stay away from me.”

He chuckled. Sa tingin ko ay hindi n’ya sineseryoso ang sinasabi ko.

“I don’t want to though,” sabi pa n’ya.

“Of all the things I’ve heard about you, nobody told me that you are actually bothersome and irritating.”

Rinig kong napasinghap si Annika.

“Irina!” saway pa n’ya pero nanatili lang ang masama kong tingin sa lalaking kaharap ko.

Pero natawa lang si Killian. His eyes even glinted with amusement as he looked at me.

“Why, love… I told you, if you want to know anything about me, you can just ask me and I’ll gladly tell you everything.”

Of course, I haven’t forgotten about that. He said those words that very night at hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga nangyari ng gabing ’yon kahit gustuhin ko man.

But I wouldn’t ask him anything anymore. I used to be curious about him, but now I’m afraid to learn more about him. Dahil may palagay akong wala pa sa kalahati ang nalalaman ko sa kanya. There might be even more horrible things I could find out about him and I didn’t want to experience the same again.

“I’m serious, Killian… I don’t want to see you again.”

I should’ve looked away from him when I said that. I shouldn’t have looked him in the eye. Because he must’ve seen the lie in those words. He saw that I really didn’t mean what I said.

Alam ko ’yon pero pilit kong iniignora. I wanted my life to get back to how it was before. Iyong pag-aaral ko lang ang iniintindi ko.

Hindi na dapat ako lumapit pa kay Killian. Hindi ko na dapat hinayaang makapasok s’ya sa buhay ko. Hindi ko dapat hinayaan ang sarili kong mahulog sa kanya.

His eyes turned serious when he looked at me. But there was still that chilling smirk on his lips. Na para bang wala na akong magagawa pa kahit ano pa’ng sabihin ko sa kanya. Kahit magmakaawa pa ako.

“Ah… That hurt me,” sabi n’ya kahit wala sa itsura n’ya ang nasaktan. He was even smirking! “I thought you’ve missed me as well that’s why I went straight to where you are as soon as I’ve finished my work.”

Work… May palagay akong iba ang meaning no’n para sa kanya.

“You seem to know my class schedule,” I said. Hindi na ako nagulat especially since he seemed to be waiting for me. On the first day of class.

“By now, I think you already know that it’s easy for me to find out anything if I want to.”

Natigilan ako. Bigla ang panlalamig na naramdaman ko kahit na sinabi n’ya lang naman na madali n’yang nalaman ang class schedule ko since that was what he was. He was a Romanov. His surname holds power in this university.

No. I think hindi lang sa university na ’to.

Pero kakaiba ang kabang naramdaman ko. Pakiramdam ko kasi, may iba pang meaning ang sinabi n’yang ’yon. Like when he said he was adopted and wasn’t actually a real Romanov.

Just like how I’m not a real Morozova.

“Stay away from me, Killian,” nasabi ko dahil sa takot na may alam na nga s’ya.

“You’re just wasting your breath, love. I won’t do it. So, if I were you, I’ll stop saying those words.”

His smirk widened. Dahil mas matangkad s’ya sa ’kin ay medyo nakatingala ako kapag tinitingnan ko s’ya sa mga mata. But there were times when I became really aware of our height differences. Just like now.

Because right now, he seemed like… a huge beast cornering his prey. I felt trapped. I felt as if there was nowhere for me to go. And even if I somehow miraculously got away from him, he would always run after me. He would always catch me.

“Oh, but then, I know a lot of ways to make you stop saying that.”

He took a step closer to me. Dahil sa bigla ay hindi kaagad ako nakaiwas at napatitig na lang sa kanya. There was cruelty on his face as he looked down at me with a smirk still on his lips.

His hand cupped my jaw. The sudden touch sent a chill down my spine. There was no gentleness in the way he tilted my jaw so I would look at him straight in the eye.

“I can make you moan my name instead and whimper in pleasure.”

I glared at him pero ramdam ko ang pamumula ng buong mukha ko. Killian looked amused with my reaction at mas lalo lang iyong nagpainis sa ’kin. Narinig ko rin ang pagkakasamid ni Annika sa tabi ko.

“Uhm… I don’t think I should hear this conversation,” rinig ko ang pag-aalangan sa boses n’ya. “I’ll go now first, Irina—”

“No, it’s okay.” Tumingin ako kay Annika. “I’m going home too.”

Napasulyap s’ya kay Killian. She seemed reluctant when she looked at me again.

“But… You two still haven’t finished talking—”

“We’re done,” putol ko sa sasabihin pa n’ya. “There’s nothing we need to talk about.”

Tiningnan ko si Killian. Hindi pa rin naaalis ang ngisi sa mga labi n’ya kahit kitang-kita n’ya kung gaano ako naiinis ngayon. He even looked like he was enjoying my irritation.

“Do what you want then,” I said through gritted teeth. “There’s no stopping you anyway. But keep in mind that I don’t even want to see you.”

Alam kong kahit ano’ng gawin ko, hindi ko rin naman s’ya mapipigilan. I realized now that he always had his way. I was trying to avoid him before pero iba ang nangyari. Mas lalo kaming nagkalapit. He even managed to make me fall for him.

And then, he found those men kahit hindi ko naman sinabi ang buong nangyari at hindi ko rin alam ang pangalan ng mga lalaking ’yon. But Killian did. May palagay pa nga akong hindi s’ya nahirapang gawin ’yon. I think he found them easily and locked them up in that room as soon as he did.

Kasi napansin ko ’yon. Nakita ko sa itsura ng mga lalaki. It was clear that they were tortured for a long time. Hindi lang nang araw na ’yon. Their bodies were covered in blood but it was as if Killian deliberately avoided the vital parts so they wouldn’t die. Gusto n’ya lang talagang pahirapan. Gusto n’ya lang saktan.

Tumalikod na ako at nagsimulang maglakad palabas ng university. Si Annika ay alanganin pa rin ang pagsunod sa ’kin. Parang ayaw pang iwan si Killian doon. Gusto ko na ngang sabihin na hindi n’ya na naman kailangang sumunod sa ’kin. After all, she likes Killian first.

But I needed to get away from him as soon as possible. I didn’t want to associate myself with him any longer. Dahil alam ko, sa huli, ako pa rin naman ang masasaktan.

Someone like him wouldn’t be good in my life.

I heard Killian chuckle. It was a soft laugh at first hanggang sa lumakas ang pagtawa n’ya. It wasn’t the kind of laugh that made you think of something hilarious. He was laughing as if he was greatly amused by something. He was laughing like a madman.

Napatigil ako. Ganoon din si Annika. Alam kong pareho kaming natigilan sa paraan nang pagtawa ni Killian.

I didn’t know until now that a laugh could be… terrifying. Nagtaasan ang mga balahibo ko sa katawan. There was a part of me that was screaming I should run now, away from him. Because something horrible and dangerous would happen.

“Fuck, this is so much fun,” he said between his laughs.

Napakapit sa braso ko si Annika. Natatakot na yata. I was sure that by now, all the infatuation she felt for Killian flew away from her.

But that wasn’t the case for me. Kaya nga gusto ko nang lumayo kay Killian dahil sa mga ipinaparamdam n’ya sa ’kin.

“I knew it,” I heard Killian say. “You’re interesting, Irina. Ah… I’ve never had so much fun like this before.”

Killian laughed uncontrollably again. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong muling humakbang. Si Annika ay napahakbang na rin dahil nga nakakapit pa rin sa ’kin. Tahimik lang s’ya at hindi na nagsasalita.

I willed myself to continue walking, realizing that I may have made a mistake. It seemed like I’d just entertained Killian more. And I was sure that he wouldn’t let me go easily.

Or maybe… ever.

Chapter 27

Since then, Killian has always been at the university. I always see him around. At first, I was confused about why the university let an alumnus walk around the campus and loiter in the corridor where classes were still going.

Kung noon ay nagtataka rin ako kung bakit kahit graduating si Killian ay hindi s’ya mukhang busy. As if he has time on his hands. But now that he already graduated, I stopped questioning myself. They own businesses. He was the boss. Kaya kumpara noon, mukhang mas marami nang oras si Killian ngayon.

And then, I remembered that he’s a Romanov. By now, I realized that their family could do anything they wanted. Including being around the university even if he already graduated.

I was wrong when I thought that I could get away from him easily just because he finally graduated. Of course, he wouldn’t be around the university anymore. Mas madali akong makakaiwas. But as half of the semester went by, I already accepted the fact that there was really no escaping him.

Nagtataka pa nga ang mga kaklase ko noong una. Palagi kasing nandoon si Killian. Like before, he was always outside our room. Hindi naman araw-araw pero sa kagaya n’yang graduated na sa university, it was really unusual that he was still going around the campus.

But they got used to it quickly. They were even happy that they could still see a Romanov around. Nalungkot daw kasi sila that the Romanov brothers already graduated. They thought they wouldn’t see them again. So, Killian being around was a happiness for them.

Which was so opposite for me.

Inis na inis ako. I was trying to get Killian out of my system and my life. Pero kung palagi ko s’yang nakikita, mahihirapan akong gawin ’yon. And the devil seemed like he was enjoying my misery. He even looked more comfortable around. He was enjoying himself, entertaining my block mates when they were talking to him, especially those girls who obviously liked him. Parang nang-iinis pa nga s’ya.

Fortunately, Killian didn’t try to approach me either. He was just… around. As if he wanted me to know that he was always there, watching me. As if he didn’t want me to think that I finally got rid of him. As if he didn’t want me to forget about him, to forget about my feelings for him. Even just for a second.

But still, I tried my best not to mind him. Hindi ko s’ya pinapansin. I’ve never talked to him again after the first day of class. Iniwasan ko s’ya. Hindi ko na s’ya kinausap.

But I guess, even if I did all of that, it wasn’t enough. Like a predator who already caught his prey, he wouldn’t let me escape from his claws anymore.

“Aren’t you really gonna tell me what happened between you and Killian?”

I glanced at Annika. Nagdi-discuss ’yung prof namin harap but it didn’t even stop her from asking me that. Siguro ay hindi na talaga s’ya nakatiis. I could imagine that ever since that first day of class, she wanted to ask me what happened. Alam kong doon pa lang, may nahalata na s’ya. May na-confirm pa siguro ang hinala n’yang when Killian began to stick around pero hindi naman kami nag-uusap.

To be honest, I was even surprised that it took Annika this long to ask me.

“Do I have to?” tanong kong sa harap nakatingin.

Annika fell silent. Hindi kaagad s’ya nakasagot. I closed my eyes when I realized that I might’ve offended her. I looked at her to apologize but she had a guilty look on her face.

“You don’t,” mahina n’yang sabi. “But… I feel guilty. I was the one who pushed you and Killian together. I think… I somewhat forced you to spend time with him even if you didn’t want to. Like when I asked him to be our model without even asking you first.”

I took a deep breath. I didn’t know that Annika was feeling this way.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Annika.” Muli na akong tumingin sa harap. “It’s not your fault that I fell in love with him.”

As soon as I said those words, I suddenly questioned myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I fall in love with a man like Killian Romanov? I admit that I knew there was already something different about him but it didn’t stop me from developing feelings for him. Maybe because I’ve felt how to be with him, how caring and thoughtful he was, and how to be loved by him.

Kaya sa kabila ng mga takot ko, ng mga naranasan ko… My stubborn heart was still beating for him.

“I’ll tell you everything later,” I said.

When I looked at Annika again, she seemed surprised at first. But then, she flashed me a relieved smile.

Ah… That’s right. I still have a friend. Hindi ko kailangang sarilinin ’to. I can confide everything with her.

Annika decided to have a sleepover at the house. Para raw makapagkwento ako nang maayos. May pakiramdam daw kasi s’yang magiging mahaba ang kwento ko kaya hindi na muna nagpakwento kaninang nasa university kami. Isa pa, nandoon si Killian. Sa palagay ko rin ay hindi ko masasabi sa kanya ang lahat kung nasa paligid lang ang pinag-uusapan naming.

There wouldn’t be any problem though. Wala naman kaming pasok bukas.

Annika was quiet as I told her what happened. She was just listening intently, lying on the bed while I was sitting up, my back on the headboard, and I was hugging my pillow.

“I knew it,” Annika said when I finished talking. “Of all the rumors I’ve heard about the Romanovs, they being in the Mafia is the one I actually believed.”

“Really?”

She nodded eagerly.

“Yes!” Natigilan s’ya saglit. She then shrugged her shoulders. “Oh, but I also believed about Kill’s cock piercing though, but of course, it’d be better if I see it to confirm, right?”

Napapikit ako nang mariin. I groaned in annoyance.

Trust Annika to make every conversation lewd.

“Annika, that’s not even our topic.”

Kahit naman alam kong may ideya si Annika na may nangyari na sa ’min ni Killian, I didn’t want to be detailed about it. I didn’t want to share it. I’m not… comfortable.

And I guess, I was being selfish too. Gusto ko, sa amin lang ’yon ni Killian. It was a precious moment for me.

“But it’s one of the rumors about him,” she reasoned. Nang tingnan ko s’ya nang masama ay tumikhim s’ya. “Right. As I’ve said, I quickly believed that rumor about them. That Romanov is a Bratva family. I didn’t even doubt it though I’m not sure where and how the rumor started. I didn’t know if someone confirmed it but that rumor goes around a lot. I think it’s because many believed it too.”

“Even though it wasn’t really confirmed?”

She nodded.

“I guess there wouldn’t be any confirmation needed. I mean it’s quite obvious. Just one look at both brothers and anyone would know that they’re powerful and… dangerous.”

“That’s what I thought too!” I said with so much enthusiasm that Annika eyed me.

Nagulat lang kasi ako! Hindi ko kasi alam na ganoon din pala ang tingin ni Annika sa mga Romanov. She likes them. And then she even implied that that’s what everyone thought. It means that I’m normal! I was even worried that something might’ve been wrong with me dahil sa nararamdaman ko para kay Killian.

But… Annika didn’t see what I saw. It was only me who saw what Killian did and how brutal he can be. Normal pa rin ba kung sa kabila ng mga ’yon, hindi man lang nabawasan ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya?

“There’s more,” Annika continued. Umakto pa na parang may malaking sekreto s’yang sasabihin that she even got up and knelt on the bed to look at me properly. “Their family is rich. Like filthy rich-rich. They have lots of businesses. Bars, clubs, hotels, casinos, and so much more that I even forgot. Like… They’re everywhere!”

I frowned.

“I didn’t know any hotel that is owned by the Romanov.”

Ilang hotel na ba ang napuntahan ko dahil minsan ay sumasama ako sa mga fashion show ni Mommy at doon sila nag-i-stay? I often searched about the hotel they would stay at. Dahil pangarap ko ngang maging fashion designer, I already researched in advance in case there would be a time in the future that I would hold my own fashion show too. Kaya ngayong maaga pa lang, inaalam ko na ang mga bagay na kakailanganin ko.

And so, I often searched for the best hotels. It was already my advantage that I could experience their service dahil nga minsan ay sumasama ako kay Mommy. But of all of them, walang kahit anong hotel doon ang pagmamay-ari ng mga Romanov. I’m sure that the hotel would be famous as the family is powerful.

“Oh, no. That’s not how the Mafia works,” Annika said. “Listen, okay? I’ll explain to you since you’re so… clueless.”

“Thank you very much,” I deadpan.

But Annika ignored my sarcasm.

“So, there’s the Pakhan , right? The head of the Bratva. He’s the one who’s making sure that everything in the family is going well. He deals with something else, something more… mafia head -ish work so he doesn’t directly handle the businesses. Instead, it is the underlings that run the business. They have their cuts, of course, but most of the money goes to the Pakhan .”

“Isn’t that unfair? He gets more money but he isn’t even the one who works for it?”

The moment I asked that, I realized how stupid I was. That’s how the corporation works. That’s how employment works. It was the employees who suffered most. Sila ’yung madalas na nagpapakahirap sa pagtatrabaho but it was the owner of the company that earned the most, ’yung mas yumayaman. But the employees would just stay as they were. Hirap pang makaipon.

Bahagyang natawa si Annika. Natahimik na lang ako. Medyo nahiya dahil hindi pa nga masyadong marami ang alam ko.

“No, Irina… The fact that they’re working under a powerful family is already too much of a repayment. They have so many privileges in their world. Besides, the money flows inside the family, anyway, since the Pakhan needs to maintain the status and the power of the family.”

Napatango-tango ako.

“Right… More money, more power.”

“And,” she emphasized. “Strength, intelligence, and strategy are important too.”

I wasn’t even surprised to know that the Romanovs were rich. The fact that Killian has his own expensive car, his own place, his own building, and a penthouse already says a lot.

I thought the Mafia’s world was complicated. I thought they always needed to kill like it was part of their everyday lives. But with what Annika had told me, I realized that they operate like… normal corporations… But with added violence and illegal things.

Annika enumerated some of the Romanovs’ businesses. All legal ones. But I know, and I’m sure of it, that they do illegal business too.

After all, that’s how the world knows when they hear the word Mafia.

An organized crime syndicate.

So, they do illegal things too. And I already witnessed how illegal a Mafia could be.

“You seem to know a lot about the Mafia,” I commented. Kahit nga kung paano mag-operate sa loob ng organization, may alam din si Annika.

“Well… you know that I like Serj and Kill, right? When I heard the rumors about them being Mafias, being made men, I kinda… researched about it.”

Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kanya.

“Kinda?” Hindi kasi ako naniniwala ro’n. Sa dami ba naman ng mga sinabi n’ya sa ’kin.

“Yeah…” She smiled. Pero duda ako sa sagot n’yang ’yon.

“You believed that rumor but…” I pursed my lips. “You still like them?”

She shrugged.

“It doesn’t really bother me. That’s what they are. I can’t do anything about it.”

“But you said it yourself that they’re dangerous.”

Natawa s’ya.

“Silly. It’s not like they’ll kill me just because I like them. I can understand though that the thought of the Mafia is frightening but they won’t resort to violence unless they need to. They’re not… unreasonable. That’s why they called it an organized crime syndicate.”

Natahimik ako saglit. I didn’t know if what she said should comfort me.

“Then…” Nag-alangan pa ako but I already told her everything anyway. “Is it okay for you if ever the man that you… that you love is a made man?”

“Of course!” mabilis n’yang sagot. Nagduda pa tuloy ako kung pinag-isipan man lang ba n’ya ’yon o hindi. “I told you. It doesn’t bother me.”

I stared at her. I could see that she was telling the truth. Mukhang siguradong-sigurado pa nga s’ya sa sagot n’ya that she didn’t even need to think so much about it. Like what I’ve been doing all along.

So, it wouldn’t bother her if her man’s doing illegal business? She wouldn’t mind it if her man’s doing illegal things? Even if there’s a possibility that they killed and would kill someone?

“And, actually, Irina…”

I looked at Annika. There was a small smile on her lips and I couldn’t tell what kind it was.

“When you told me what Kill did… What he did to those guys,” she clarified when she saw the confusion on my face.

She bit her lower lip. Hinintay ko lang s’yang ipagpatuloy ang sasabihin n’ya. For some reason, she looked hesitant. I think I even saw a light tint of blush on her cheeks but I was sure she wasn’t wearing any makeup on anymore as we were about to sleep. So, I figured that the blush that I saw was because Annika was embarrassed about what she was gonna tell me.

But then her smile widened. I even saw a naughty glint in her eyes.

“What Killian did… I actually find it…” She giggled. “Hot.”

I blinked.

“What? Are you okay?”

Her giggles were uncontrollable this time.

“I mean…” Umayos pa s’ya ng upo sa kama. “He tortured those guys because they did something horrible to you. And the way he tortured them based on what you told me? I could imagine how angry Kill was because you got hurt. Like—” She even squealed. “He’s willing to do that much for you.”

“I didn’t ask him to do that for me.”

“Yeah, but… Those men asked for it the moment they touched you. Like do they think that they could get away from it?” She giggled again. Mukha s’yang kilig na kilig. “I think Killian Romanov is that kind of man who would literally kill anyone who would touch or hurt his woman.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I didn’t even know what to say. I could understand why Annika was reacting this way but I think it was wrong. There were people hurt. Parang mali yatang kiligin dahil doon.

“Killian will do anything for you,” Annika said when I remained silent. “He was actually in another town that night when you called me.”

“He was?” Nagulat ako roon. “But he got to where I was so quickly.”

How could he be there so fast kung nasa malayo naman pala s’ya?

Annika chuckled as she shrugged her shoulders.

“I don’t know how he did it. But I know that you’re different from all those girls he’s been with.”

I knew that. Because I don’t think that Killian showed them his torture chamber. Hindi n’ya ipinakita sa kanila ang ginawa n’ya sa mga lalaking ’yon. I just couldn’t understand why he even showed it to me.

I wouldn’t ask why he did what he did to those men as I could see his reason. I could understand. And it was something I didn’t want to admit. Dahil palagay ko, mali rin ang maintindihan ’yon. Because it was… unsettling.

As if… As if there was something hidden inside me. Something sickening. And it was only Killian who could unveil it.

I heard Annika groan when I didn’t say anything. Nagbalik ang atensyon ko sa kanya.

“C’mon, Irina… Don’t you find it hot? The things he’d do for you? That he’d kill for you? I mean if my man was like that, I’d be giving him a mind-wrecking blowjob as a reward.”

It was my turn to groan.

“Are you really okay, Annika?” I asked worriedly.

Natawa s’ya sa naging reaksyon ko pero nagseryoso rin naman agad.

“I really envy you,” she said. “I want my man like that. If I were you, I’d be falling for Kill even more.”

I pursed my lips.

“Maybe you feel like that because you didn’t see what I saw.”

Napansin kong natigilan s’ya. She suddenly looked guilty. May palagay pa nga akong gustong n’yang bawiin ang mga sinabi n’ya pero hindi n’ya alam kung ano sa mga ’yon. She looked confused and hurt.

I looked away. I didn’t like the sudden guilt I felt as well. Kahit ako, nalilito na rin and I really hate feeling this way.

I didn’t want Annika to see it. I didn’t want her to see my guilt. I didn’t want her to see the truth in my eyes. That I understand her. That I’m a hypocrite.

Because just like her, that was what I was feeling too. And it’s scaring the hell out of me.

Natatakot akong baka may mali na talaga sa ’kin dahil imbes na mabawasan ang nararamdaman ko para kay Killian, instead of being turned off, I… I was falling even deeper for him.

“I’m sorry,” I heard Annika say after a while. “It was insensitive of me to say all of that. You’re right. I didn’t see what you saw so I have no right to tell you what you should feel.”

I felt the bed move beside me. Mukhang humiga na ulit s’ya. I looked at her and she was indeed lying down again. Pero nakatagilid s’ya patalikod sa ’kin.

I sighed. I felt horrible. Hindi naman ganito ang gusto kong mangyari nang mag-decide akong magkwento sa kanya. I was actually relieved that there was someone I could tell my problems to.

It’s just that… I’m so scared. Natakot kasi akong mali ang mga nararamdaman ko. Sa akin. I was new to this. Pero masyado naman yatang grabe ang ibinigay sa ’kin.

I decided to stay away from Killian as I was terrified of all the things that he was making me feel. There were good and happy feelings I even thought I was in bliss when I was with him. But… it was those horrible and sickening feelings I was afraid of that I even thought there was something wrong with me.

But Annika… She proved to me that it was okay to feel that way. Na wala naman palang mal isa ’kin. Kaya ngayon, hindi ko na tuloy alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba’ng dapat kong maramdaman.

I decided to lay down as well. My back was lying straight on the bed as I stared at the ceiling. Ngayon ko na lang ulit hinayaan ang sarili ko na isipin si Killian. Kahit kasi nasa paligid s’ya, kahit halos araw-araw ko pa rin s’yang nakikita, pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong isipin ang anuman tungkol sa kanya.

Even though Killian had this kind of force to distract me so easily, I still tried to focus on my studies instead.

I took a deep breath and sighed. I didn’t want that kind of distraction but my heart was not letting me do what I wanted. It still keeps on falling in love with Killian even more.

“Irina,” nagulat pa ako sa biglang pagsasalita ni Annika pero nanatili lang s’yang nakatalikod sa ’kin. “To be honest, I’m thankful for what Kill did to those men. They deserved it. Who knows how many victims they had and how many more victims they will have if Kill didn’t give them their lesson?”

Gumalaw si Annika. Tumagilid s’ya, but this time, nakaharap na s’ya sa ’kin.

“I know what you saw terrified you and probably scarred you. And I clearly understand now that Killian Romanov is a very dangerous man… But you know what, Irina? I think you’re safest with him. I’m certain he’ll do everything to protect you.”

I… know that. And I think it was one of the reasons why I still feel this way about him.

Even after that talk with Annika, I continued to stay away from Killian. He still didn’t try to go near me or even talk to me again. Pero ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang presensya n’ya. Alam ko pa rin kung kailan s’ya nasa paligid lang. My classmates were making it hard for me to ignore his presence.

When the second semester came, I was kind of relieved as we needed to do our research paper this time. I have a feeling I would be very busy this time. Baka sa pagkakataong ’to, I would successfully ignore Killian.

It was just bad that Annika wouldn’t be my research partner. ’Yung prof na kasi naming ang nag-assign. Gusto ko sana na si Annika na lang para komportable ako. Wala pa naman akong masyadong ka-close sa mga kaklase namin. I didn’t want to be awkward with my research partner especially since we would be working on our research for the whole sem.

Fortunately, the partner that was assigned to me was the friendliest guy in our class, Terrence. I like him as a person. He was a gentleman. Dahil mostly sa klase namin ay mga babae, kung minsan, s’ya ang nauutusan kapag may mabibigat na gawain ang kailangan naming gawin. Sometimes, he would do it voluntarily even if we didn’t ask for his help.

As we did the research together, I realized how responsible he was. Maaga n’yang natatapos ang part n’ya. Kung minsan nga ay nahihiya pa ako kahit on-time kong natatapos ang part ko. S’ya kasi, palaging maaga kaysa sa napagkakasunduan naming time.

“I could help you if you want,” he said when I was about to go to the library to find something for our related literature. Tapos na ang klase namin para sa araw na ’yon.

Mabilis akong umiling. Sinabayan n’ya ako sa paglalakad papuntang library.

“No, it’s okay. You’re done with your part. It’s my work this time.”

“And?” He even frowned as if he didn’t get my point. “I’ll help you.”

Natawa ako.

“It’s really okay. Don’t worry. I can do this.”

We stopped in front of the library. He was still frowning as he stared at me.

“I’m not worried that you won’t do a good job. I just want to help you.”

“Terrence.” I smiled at him. “Just take a rest, okay? I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Mas lalo tuloy akong napangiti. He’s such a good guy.

“Yes. See you tomorrow.”

Ilang sandali pa s’yang nakatayo sa harap ko. Parang ayaw pa nga talagang umalis. But then, he nodded and smiled at me.

“Okay. See you tomorrow, Irina.”

I nodded and smiled at him. Tumalikod na s’ya at nagsimulang maglakad palayo.

Hindi muna ako pumasok sa loob ng library. I watched as Terrence walked down the hallway. I was so thankful that he was the partner that was assigned to me. Komportable rin kasi akong kausap s’ya. Hindi tuloy ako nahihiyang magbigay ng opinion at ideas para sa research namin.

I blinked when I noticed something at the end of the hallway. Hindi ko kasi kaagad ’yon napansin dahil sa likod lang ako ni Terrence nakatingin. Plus, it was kind of dark in that part as it was already at the corner.

My smile vanished when I noticed what it was. No. Rather who it was. It was Killian and he was looking at Terrence without any emotion on his face.

Bigla ang naging panlalamig ng katawan ko. I couldn’t move. My heart started to beat fast as well out of nervousness.

And it was as if Killian felt me looking at me, his eyes turned to mine. I saw the corner of his lips rose for a terrifying smirk when he saw me looking at him.

He was like that again… Like a devil lurking in the dark, waiting for his next victim.

Nakita kong nakalagpas na si Terrence sa kanya. He turned to walked down the stairs at tuluyan nang nawala si Terrence sa paningin ko.

But I saw Killian follow him with his gaze. He was a few steps away from me but I could see something bloodthirsty in his eyes.

He took a step forward as if he was about to follow my classmate. Napasinghap ako. Hindi ko na napag-isipan pa nang maglakad ako palapit sa kanya. Natakot ako. Naisip ko kasing sasaktan n’ya si Terrence.

I even saw a murderous glint in his eyes.

“Killian!”

He stopped and looked at me. When he saw me walking towards him, his smirk widened. His body faced my way as he put his hands inside the pockets of his black slacks. He was coolly watching me but his smirk and the expression on his face was something of amusement.

I fell right into his trap.

He chuckled when I stopped in front of him. My hands were shaking but I stared at him right into his deep green eyes.

He cocked his head to the side and gazed down at me. As though he was observing his victim and planning what he would do before devouring it and getting his fill.

He bit his lower lip and when he released it, a low chuckle escaped from his lips.

“Hmm… Finally.”

Chapter 28

As soon as I was finally in front of him, I realized that being this close to him was really a bad idea. No. Nagkamali na yata ako simula nang tawagin ko ang pangalan n’ya kanina.

Or maybe… It was when I chose to even take a glance at him.

Kung doon pa lang sa mga bagay na ’yon, alam ko nang nagkamali ako, that it was already a mistake to even recognized his presence, then being this near to him is already a crime I’ve committed. It was as if I’d made a grave sin and there was no way for me to be saved no matter what I did. That I wouldn’t get any salvation even if I repent for my sins.

Because Killian Romanov is all seven of the deadly sins.

Hindi na ako nakapag-isip bago ko man lang tinawag ang pangalan n’ya. Mas lalo pa nang maglakad ako palapit sa kanya. I panicked when I saw the look in his eyes when he was looking at Terrence earlier. As if he was about to do something bad. As if he wanted to hurt someone and Terrence was right in front of him.

And I knew it was possible. This is Killian. I certainly knew that he would do it without any second thought. Without even blinking an eye. I could still remember clearly what he did with those men; by now, I already accepted that I couldn’t forget it.

Kaya nga natakot para kay Terrence kanina. Even if he wasn’t doing anything and was just walking pass by in front of Killian, morbid thoughts started to play in my mind. Nag-alala ako nab aka kung ano’ng gawin sa kanya ni Killian.

I let that fear consume. Hinayaan kong kontrolin ako ng takot ko. That’s why I was here, in here of Killian, ang lalaking matagal ko nang iniiwasan. Sa tinagal-tagal na pag-ignora ko sa kanya, even pretending that he wasn’t around, that he wasn’t even existing which was so damn hard, all of that meant nothing now.

I couldn’t even turn back and pretend I didn’t call his name. Not now when those deep green orbs were on me, darkening the longer he stared at me.

I took a deep breath. I tried hard not to get affected by his presence. I tried to ignore the fact that the man in front of me was the hottest and the most gorgeous man I’d laid my eyes on.

I tried to ignore how good he looked wearing a dark red, so dark it looked almost black, long-sleeve button-down shirt tucked in his tight black denim pants, hugging his muscular thighs and legs. The first two buttons of his shirt were opened and the third one seemed to be hanging for its dear life to keep the shirt together as his chest was broad and chiseled. As if his body had become leaner and more muscular since the last time that I’d seen him up this close.

His shirt sleeves were rolled to his elbow showing the hard muscles and veins on his arms and I could see a glimpse of the tattoos on his forearms peeking on the sleeves. Gano’n din sa dibdib n’ya dahil nakabukas nga ang unang dalawang butones ng shirt n’ya. And I noticed something.

He has a new tattoo on the middle part of his chest and the design seemed to start from the base of his neck. But I couldn’t really make out the image dahil ang kabuuan ay natatakluban pa rin ng damit n’ya.

I had the chance to see his tattoos freely and wholly before and they were all beautiful. I wasn’t really a fan of tattoos, especially those that covered a large part of the skin. Ang sabi ko pa noon, I didn’t want my model to have large tattoos on their bodies as it might ruin the design they would wear. But a minimal tattoo would be fine as long as hindi makakasira sa design.

That changed though when Killian modeled our clothes at our fashion show last year. Mas bumagay pa ang mga ginawa namin sa pagkakaroon n’ya ng tattoo sa katawan. It made our creations look more eye-catching. We also received a comment from one of the judges saying that our designs were marketable and men could wear them, tattooed or not, and they would still look stylish.

Ever since I met Killian, my preferences have changed. I think I preferred inked men now because of him.

I wanted to see the new tattoo he had on his chest… To open all the buttons of his shirt.

But I stopped my curiosity from getting into me. I knew by now that nothing good would come out if I let my emotions rule me. Palaging hindi maganda ang kinalalabasan. Lalo pa pagdating sa lalaking nasa harapan ko ngayon.

I looked at Killian. I found him staring hard at me and I had an idea that he had been watching me all this time. Ibig sabihin, nakita n’ya rin kung paano ko pasadahan ng tingin ang katawan n’ya.

And when the corner of his lips rose for a smirk that I could even see a mix of amusement and smug on it, that just confirmed what I had thought.

My face flushed. I knew I was blushing hard right now. Naiinis na talaga ako sa sarili ko. Kung bakit ba naman kasi hindi ko mapigilan ang maapektuhan sa kanya.

But I held my stance. Nakita na n’ya. Wala na akong magagawa. Magkukunwari na lang ako na wala akong pakialam kahit nakakahiya naman talaga.

So, I looked him in the eye. And despite our height differences that I had to tilt my head back a bit to fully look at him, I held his gaze.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked. Sana lang ay hindi n’ya nahalata ang kaunting panginginig sa boses ko. Ngayon na lang kasi ulit ako nakipag-usap sa kanya. I was at least thankful that I was still standing in front of him kahit na ang buong pagkatao ko ay sumisigaw na tumakbo na palayo sa kanya.

But this is Killian. This man notices everything.

He raised an eyebrow at me, trying to play it innocently. But I could see the truth in his eyes otherwise.

“What do you mean?” tanong pa talaga n’ya.

“You know what I’m talking about, Killian.”

He gave me a deep and guttural chuckle.

“Really, love. I have no idea. Can you perhaps elaborate?”

Napasimangot ako. He was playing me. He was always like this. Parang mas natutuwa kapag naiinis ako.

He loves it when I’m struggling. He likes it when it seems like there is nothing that I can do but do what he wants. He likes it when I obey him. He likes setting a trap that he knew I would always fall right into. Just like what’s happening right now.

I gritted my teeth. Pinipigilan ko ang inis para sa sarili ko. Maling-mali talaga na nilapitan at kinausap ko pa s’ya. I still hadn’t learned my lesson.

“I’m not playing games with you,” I said emphasizing every word. “You’re about to do something… something bad with Terrence, right?”

“Oh, is that his name?” Inosente pa rin ang mga mata n’yang nakatingin sa ’kin.

But I knew better. There wasn’t anything innocent in him.

“Killian.”

He smiled. But there was something ominous in that smile that I had the urge to step back.

“Why do think I would do that?”

Nainis na ako.

“Don’t even try to deny it! I saw it in your eyes! I know you’re capable of doing that to him!”

He chuckled.

“You’re hurting my feelings, love…” sabi n’ya pero wala naman sa itsura n’ya ang nasasaktan. He even looked like he was enjoying himself right now. “I don’t hurt people out of nowhere. Unless they do something… Let’s just say, wrong in my principle.”

Mariin n’ya akong tinitigan. Unti-unti ring nawala ang ngisi sa mga labi n’ya.

“Did he?”

Mabilis ang naging pag-iling ko. I wanted to defend Terrence. I wanted him safe. I didn’t want him to get hurt because of me. Dahil alam kong kayang-kaya s’yang saktan ni Killian.

“No. Of course not. He didn’t do anything.”

Ilang sandali pa s’yang nakatitig lang sa ’kin. Pagkatapos ay tumango-tango.

“Hmm…”

I just watched him. He was nodding his head as if he was understanding everything. Pero hindi ganoon ang nakikita ko sa kanya ngayon.

Because for some reason, Killian looked like he wasn’t satisfied with my answer. Mukhang hindi pa nga n’ya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko.

As if he was just testing me. And I knew… I failed miserably.

“Then…” He tilted his head to the side as he looked at me, pinning me with his intense gaze. “Perhaps you knew that he still did something I wouldn’t want and could really piss me off, right?”

I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to deny what he said. Gusto kong sabihin na wala talagang ginawa si Terrence na hindi n’ya magugustuhan. Na gumagawa lang naman kami ng research paper namin. I wanted to defend my classmate.

But I chose not to. I had a feeling that it would only worsen things right now.

And… he was right. Even though Terrence wasn’t doing anything wrong, somehow… I knew that he did something that would make Killian mad. I was ignoring it. Kasi sa palagay ko, hindi naman masama ang ginagawa ng kaklase ko. We were just doing our research for Christ’s sake! Walang masama roon!

But… deep inside me, I knew it would make Killian mad. Lalo pa kapag kasama ko si Terrence at napapasulyap ako sa gawi ni Killian, he always had a dark expression on his face.

“You know that, right?” he said when I didn’t say anything. “You know that what he’s doing is fucking pissing me off and I’m just restraining myself from doing anything.” He was gritting his teeth with every word. “But the fucking son of a bitch is really testing my patience.”

Lumala ang kabang nararamdaman ko. He looked so mad. Kitang-kita ko iyon sa mga mata n’ya. As if anytime now, he would really kill someone just to let out his anger.

“H-he’s not doing anything wrong, Killian,” I stammered. Napaatras pa ako. “We’re just doing our research.”

He took a step towards me pero muli akong umatras. Napatigil s’ya sa paghakbang. I saw in his eyes that he didn’t like what I just did. Napatitig pa s’ya sa mga paa kong umatras, glaring at them while his eyes turned dangerous. I almost flinched as I could see in his eyes that he was thinking what he would do with my feet just so I wouldn’t get away from him. As if he wanted to restrain them, to tie them in place.

He advanced toward me again and I just kept on backing away. His jaw clenched before he chuckled. Pero rinig ko ang inis at galit n’ya sa pagtawa n’yang ’yon.

“You’re both together all the damn time, Irina,” he said. His eyes turned deadlier with every step. “And I don’t fucking like it.”

“Of course! We’re doing our research!” I reasoned out.

“And that man wants to fuck you!”

I almost yelped when I felt the wall on my back. Napalingon ako sa paligid at doon ko lang napansin na nasa gilid na pala kami ng hagdan. Seemed like that was the direction my feet were going to while I was backing away from Killian. Ang akala ko, ang mahabang hallway pa rin ang nasa likuran ko. But I had nowhere to go now.

Killian stopped a step away from me but I still felt imprisoned by him even with the space between us. Kahit kayang-kaya kong makawala sa kanya, pakiramdam ko, hindi ko pa rin magagawang lumayo. Even though he was just standing in front of me with his hands inside the pocket of his pants.

But his presence was too much that it was enough to make me stay rooted in my place. And the way he looked at me… His eyes were telling me that I shouldn’t even move or there would be consequences. He wouldn’t like me to move but I could tell that he wanted me to disobey him so he could give me punishment. And he would enjoy it to the last bits.

So, I chose what was safe for me. Hindi ako gumalaw at tiningnan s’ya sa mga mata. Kahit pa ang mga tuhod ko ay nanginginig sa paraan ng pagtitig n’ya sa ’kin.

“Terrence is not like that,” I said. “He’s kind.”

He stared at me for a little while before he chuckled. As if he was mocking me.

“I see… You still haven’t learned anything, huh?”

I frowned.

“What?”

“Everything is always stained with something, Irina. Behind every beautiful thing comes ugliness.” He was staring hard at me but the corner of his lips tugged into a mocking smile. “There is always a disguised evil within every kindness. Nothing in this world is pure.”

There was something in his eyes as he told me those words but I couldn’t even name it. But I had a feeling that I shouldn’t try to find out what it was. It was one of those things that made Killian Romanov dangerously mysterious.

There is something untouchable in him that no one should ever dare to mess with. Or else… something terrible will happen.

“That bastard is just like that,” he continued. “He’s not kind at all. He wants to take advantage of the situation and is fucking hoping he can get you to bed with him.”

I frowned. I didn’t understand why he was saying that. Terrence was kind. Noon pa. He was a gentleman. He was always lending a helping hand in our class. Wala pa s’yang kahit sinong binabastos kahit na mas marami kaming mga babae sa klase naming. At sa buong panahong kasama ko s’ya, he was always polite. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng kahit anong pagkailang sa kanya.

“Could you stop?” inis kong sabi kay Killian. “Just because being a gentleman and knowing your boundaries are not in your dictionary doesn’t mean that every man is like you. Terrence is kind. He is so different from you.”

He looked down at me, biting his lower lip. Mukhang pinipigilan ang pagngisi. But he couldn’t stop it anyway. He gave me a cruel smirk.

“This is the reason why you always get in danger. You still don’t know anything. You need to stay the fuck away from him, Irina.”

“No! It’s you who don’t know anything! We’re not doing anything wrong. And in case you’ve forgotten, we’re not even together so you don’t have the right to tell me what to do. I’m not yours!”

Sinubukan ko s’yang itinulak pero hindi man lang s’ya gumalaw! Not even an inch!

Instead, he stared intently at me. His gaze almost bore a hole in me, wanting to see my soul. Naalala ko ang sinabi n’ya kanina, that there is always an evil behind every kindness. That nothing is pure in this world.

But Killian… He’s pure evil. I even think that there was nothing kind about him.

Nakita ko ang pagguhit ng nakakalokong ngiti sa mga labi n’ya. And then, he laughed. Mercilessly.

“Irina… have you already forgotten?” he asked, looking down at me as he took a step closer.

Lumapat ang likod ko sa dingding. Nakalimutan ko na wala na ng apala akong maatrasan. And Killian looked satisfied that he cornered me.

“I already tasted your blood. I tasted your innocence.” He dipped his head until his lips reached my ears. “So, you’re mine, love.”

My whole body shivered as he whispered those words. Ramdam ko rin ang pag-akyatan ng dugo ko sa mukha ko. My knees wobbled and it was a good thing that I was already leaning on the wall dahil alam kong hindi ko na makakayang tumayo.

Damn it. That certain memory unlocked in my mind. Even though a year had already passed since that night, it felt as if it just happened yesterday. Malinaw na malinaw sa ’kin ang lahat ng nangyari ng gabing ’yon.

Killian stared at me. His smirk widened when he saw on my face that he succeeded in making me remember that night.

“I haven’t forgotten anything, love,” he said. His eyes were not leaving my face. “I haven’t forgotten the taste of your lips, the softness of your skin, and the way your body trembled underneath me.”

I sucked in a breath. Bigla ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko.

“Killian…”

“I can still remember how responsive you were with my every touch, how sweet your juices were, and how good it felt with my cock buried deep inside your tight pussy.”

Holy… He really does have a dirty mouth.

“Have you forgotten all about those, love?”

I looked at him. Hindi ko kaagad kinaya ang intesidad na nakita ko sa mga mata n’ya. They were too intense as he stared back at me as if he wanted to suck all my strength so I would surrender myself to him.

His deep green eyes told me that he could still remember that night, probably as clearly as I did. Pareho naming hindi nakalimutan ang gabing ’yon. It was an unforgettable moment. Para pa ngang sinigurado n’ya talagang hinding-hindi ko nga makakalimutan iyon.

It was like him anyway. He was unforgettable. Kaya kahit isang taon akong umiwas sa kanya, sa huli, nandito pa rin ako sa harapan n’ya ngayon.

And I hated that feeling deep inside me that I kept on ignoring. That feeling that I miss him. That I miss his touch. I miss his kiss. I miss the feeling of being safe in his arms.

But then… I haven’t forgotten anything. What he did to those men was something I couldn’t and wouldn’t forget. And despite being safe with him, he was still a dangerous man.

“Stay away from me, Killian.”

Nawala ang emosyon sa mga mata n’ya. He was just looking at me as if he wanted to know what was on my mind. And then, I saw him frown.

“Are you really that mad because of what I did with those motherfuckers? I did that for you, Irina.”

Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin ako sa kanya.

“I didn’t ask you to do that for me.”

“But they hurt you! They fucking touched you!” He gritted his teeth. “They shouldn’t have touched what’s mine.”

Hindi na ako nakipag-argumento sa huling sinabi n’ya. I knew what he would say about that anyway.

“And you shouldn’t have shown me what you did to them.”

Ilang saglit s’yang natigilan bago humakbang ng isa paatras so he could fully look at me. Nagtataka pa ang mga mata n’yang nakatitig sa ’kin.

“Didn’t you want to know what happened to them?” he asked. “Didn’t you want to know how hurt they were? How do they regret what they did to you? Didn’t you even want to see how they beg for their lives?”

For a while, I couldn’t say anything. I was surprised. I always knew that he was violent in a way. That he was brutal. He was merciless. He was always harsh. Didn’t I already experience that there wasn’t even a single fiber of gentleness in him?

But… I didn’t know that he was this… this ruthless. Na kapag Nakagawa ng mali ang isang tao sa kanya, triple ang sakit na ibibigay n’ya.

“Killian… I didn’t want any of that.”

His eyes turned so cold that my whole body shivered.

“So, you don’t want them to pay for what they did to you? You would just let them walk away?”

“No… Of course, I want them to pay for what they did. But… you shouldn’t have shown me that.”

“Why? It happens all the time, Irina. You aren’t just aware.”

“And I don’t want to!” I said. Halos maubos na ang pasensya ko dahil mukhang hindi n’ya maintindihan ang pinupunto ko.

He was quiet for a while and was just looking at me. There wasn’t any emotion on his face. His eyes were blank. Hindi ko alam pero… pero mas lalo akong natakot.

It was like a calm before the storm.

And then, slowly, the side of his lips rose for a cruel smirk, so cruel that he looked sadistic as he stared at me. Nanginig ang buong kalamnan ko dahil doon.

He chuckled. It was low at first hanggang sa unti-unti iyong lumakas. He was chuckling so hard that his laugh sounded so devilish. He looked deranged and I had the urge to run away but I couldn’t move because I was so frightened.

He looked at me. Hindi pa rin nawawala ang ngisi sa mga labi n’ya.

“Isn’t it great to live an easy life without having to worry about anything? Isn’t it nice to be oblivious to just how terrible the world is and live comfortably? How convenient it is to have a false sense of security and ignore the dangers until something bad happens to you, right?”

The smirk on his lips faded and I saw something in his eyes. As if he was hurt. But it was gone so quickly that I thought I was imagining things. Afterall, parang hindi ko maisip na makikita ko ang ganoong emosyon sa mga mata n’ya.

“How nice it is to turn a blind eye as you have the privilege, right, Irina?”

Napatitig lang ako sa kanya. I was trying to understand what he was trying to say. He was being sarcastic, I knew that. And a part of me could see his point and I even felt guilty that he was right.

Pero hindi n’ya naman kailangang ipakita sa ’kin ang ginawa n’ya sa mga lalaking ’yon just to prove his point. I didn’t want that kind of fear. I didn’t want to see something like that. I didn’t want those nightmares.

And maybe, he wouldn’t understand that. It was part of his world and mine wasn’t. He was a Mafia and I was not. Sa tingin ko ay hindi talaga kami magkakaintindihan sa bagay na ’yon.

“Stay away from me,” ulit ko.

Mukhang hindi inaasahan ni Killian na iyon ang sasabihin ko. But then, he chuckled. As if it just amused him.

“You’re the one who approached me, love.”

I gritted my teeth. Naramdaman ko ang kahihiyan. Tama naman kasi s’ya. Ako ang lumapit sa kanya ngayon.

Pero hindi ako nagpahalata at deretso pa rin s’yang tiningnan sa mga mata.

“Then if something like this happens again— don’t worry, it won’t. But don’t talk to me again. Stay away and pretend that you don’t even know me. Because I’ll do the same,” I said.

He just chuckled.

“Hmm.”

“I don’t want you in my life again, Killian.”

He didn’t say anything and just stared at me. He was enjoying this. Habang ako ay unti-unti na namang naiinis.

I gritted my teeth. Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong muling magsalita. And the way Killian was looking at me, he was daring me to. He was trying to see kung ako mismo ang Babali sa mga sinabi ko.

So, I took all my will to move. Hinayaan n’ya naman akong makawala sa kanya kaya nagawa kong humakbang na sa kabila ng panginginig ng mga tuhod ko. I started to walk down the stairs, feeling his intense gaze on my back. Alam kong pinapanood n’ya ako pero hindi man lang ako lumingon kahit isang beses.

I was almost on the last step of the stairs when I heard him chuckle.

“I’ll let you keep playing this dumb game, Irina,” I heard him say but I didn’t look back. “I’ll let you do want you want. I’m having fun anyway.”

Nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagbaba ng hagdan. But I could hear the danger in his voice.

“But I know, love… You will come back to me. And I won’t let you get away from me again,” he said and I could imagine him smirking wickedly. “I’ll make sure of that.”

Chapter 29

Trigger warning: Some scenes may find readers disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.

–

When another school year started, Killian still wasn’t giving up on whatever he was doing. He was still going around making sure that I would notice him. That I would see him and would clearly know that he was just there, watching me, following my every move with his eyes. It wasn’t even a problem as my block mates were always flocking around him, clearly enjoying that they got to talk and see him even though he already graduated a year ago.

And when I started my internship on my last semester and Killian was still following me, ako na lang ang sumuko sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. I figured that there wasn’t anything I could do to make him stop. He wasn’t even someone who would do what you’ve asked so easily. He was an alpha male. He would do whatever he wanted. He would get anything if he wanted to.

But it was so damn hard to ignore him, to pretend that someone like him wasn’t even there. Mabuti na lang at hindi n’ya ako nilalapitan. Hindi rin kinakausap. And I started acting like I didn’t even know him too. Iyon din naman ang huling sinabi ko sa kanya noon. Ang magpanggap na hindi kami magkakilala.

I started my internship as an assistant at a small clothing line business na nagsisimula pa lang sa industry. Ang akala ko nga ay mahihirapan akong makahanap ng mapapasukan. But when they found out who my mother was, almost every brand and clothing line company that I applied to wanted to hire me.

Pero pinili ko iyong papasimula pa lang. Iyong kaunti pa lang ang mga empleyado. I got to do all the chores. I got to help in every department. Mas marami akong natututunan.

I wanted to have my own clothing line business too someday. Kaya naman ngayon pa lang, inaaral ko na ang lahat ng mga pwede kong matutunan.

So, there wasn’t room for any distraction for me right now.

“You’re so good at this!”

I was surprised when Miss Agarova suddenly exclaimed that. Muntik pa akong mapatalon. I was busy finishing attaching the beads and sequence on the dress that was on the mannequin. Nasa ginagawa ko ang lahat ng focus ko kaya hindi ko na namalayan ang paglapit n’ya.

Napatayo ako nang maayos nang lumapit s’ya sa mannequin para i-check nang malapitan ang gawa ko. I was nervous. She was the owner of this shop. At kahit nagsisimula pa lang ang business n’ya, a lot were already recognizing her works. Magaganda naman kasi. Hindi na ako magtataka kung magiging matunog ang pangalan n’ya sa fashion industry soon.

I saw awe in her eyes as she checked the stitches I’d made on the dress. Kahit din ang pagkabit ko sa mga accessories and details. Nabawasan ang kaba ko dahil doon.

“Vy znachitel’no popravilis’, Irina!” she said that I’ve improved so much while beaming at me.

Napangiti ako. I even exhaled in relief. I was so happy to hear that from her. Noong nagsisimula pa lang kasi ako ng internship, I realized that there were so many things that I needed to learn. Hindi pa pala ganoong karami ang natututunan ko. It wasn’t enough that I only learned things from school. Experience is the best teacher as they say.

“Spasibo,” I said, thanking her.

“You have so much talent, do you know that? I can already see by now that you will be a great designer one day.” She sighed. “It makes me sad, though, that you only have two weeks for your internship.”

“I’ve learned so much from you, Miss Agarova. You taught me everything there is to know. I’m really grateful to you.”

She waved her hand like it was nothing.

“It’s my job as your trainer. And I love teaching talented students like you.” She smiled at me. “Anyway, what are your plans after you graduate? If you ever think of working in the industry, you can apply here. I’ll hire you as my co-designer.”

My eyes widened and I almost gasped. I waved my hands as I shook my head.

“I’m grateful but that would be too much. I want to start first from the very beginning.” I smiled sheepishly. “I’m actually planning to start my own clothing line.”

She nodded, still with a smile on her face. Hinawakan n’ya ang mga kamay ko at pinisil iyon.

“Don’t give up on your dreams, okay? I know you’ll succeed in this industry.”

My smile widened.

“Thank you, Miss Agarova.”

Alam ko namang hindi magiging madali. Miss Agarova told me stories about how she started in this industry. Wala raw halos pumapansin sa mga designs n’ya noon. She already did a lot of marketing and she almost gave up until one customer finally recognized her work. Since then, unti-unti nang dumadami ang mga customers n’ya.

You only need one person to appreciate you. And from them, you just have to believe in yourself.

Mom told me that it wouldn’t be hard for me to start my business as she was well-known in the fashion industry and I already had the privilege of being her daughter. Marami raw agad ang susuporta sa mga gawa ko.

But… I really want to start from the bottom. I want to learn every step. I want to experience the struggle. As I know it would give me a lesson. It would help me improve more. That’s why I didn’t want to use my privilege.

Privilege. Hindi ko alam pero simula nang sabihin ni Killian ang tungkol doon, I started feeling guilty hearing that word.

Because he was right. I have the privilege to be oblivious, to not worry about the danger and the dark side of the world, and to just go on with my life as it doesn’t even affect me.

It was like he was telling me that I had chosen to be blind but I would use that privilege immediately dahil lang sa meron ako noon.

But he didn’t have that. That’s why he was used to that kind of scene.

“You can go home now.” My thoughts were cut when Miss Agarova spoke. “It’s already dark outside.”

“I’ll just have to finish this,” I said.“

She nodded.

“Okay. You’re safe anyway. Your boyfriend’s waiting for you outside,” halata sa tono n’ya ang pang-aasar.

I gave her a tight-lipped smile.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

Nagkibit-balikat lang si Miss Agarova na parang hindi naniniwala sa sinabi ko. Pagkatapos ay umalis na rin s’ya.

I took a deep breath. Alam na rin ng lahat sa shop na ’yon ang tungkol kay Killian. Pa’no ba naman kasi, araw-araw s’yang nakatambay sa labas ng shop, clearly watching me and waiting for my time-out. Isang beses pa nga ay pinapasok pa s’ya sa shop. Miss Agarova let him try the suits asking him to model the clothes to which Killian obliged.

It really pissed me off. Kinilig ang iba. Sinabihan pa akong ang swerte ko raw kay Killian. But they didn’t even know what was really happening.

He was like a stalker. And there was nowhere for me to hide from him. He always found me wherever I was.

It was already past nine in the evening when I got ready to go home. Sa paglabas ko pa lang ng shop ay nakita ko na si Killian na kampante lang na nakasandal sa hood ng kotse n’ya. His arms were crossed as he watched me with that heavy gaze of his, looking like he had all the time in the world. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya.

I was waiting for a cab. Pero hindi ako mapakali sa kinatatayuan ko. I could feel Killian’s gaze prickling on my skin. I slowly took a deep breath at marahan iyong pakawalan para maibsan ang kaba ko.

But clearly, Killian noticed my nervousness. I heard him let out a low gruff chuckle. Wala sa sarili akong napatingin sa kanya. His hands were now inside the pocket of his slacks and he was coolly leaning his hips on the hood of his car. His long leg was crossed over the other. He looked as if he was having a good time watching me.

I looked away from him again. It was a good thing na may paparating na cab na walang sakay. Agad ko iyong pinara at sumakay nan ang tumigil iyon sa harapan ko.

Of course, I knew that Killian would follow the cab. He was like that every day. Pero hindi tuluyang sumusunod hanggang sa bahay naming. He would stop in that alley where my nightmare happened. As if he was making sure that nothing would happen to me again.

Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng gusto ni Killian. Why the hell is he even following me? Bakit nagsasayang s’ya ng oras? What did he even want from me?

Hindi ko naman s’ya matakasan. Palagi n’ya akong nahahanap. He was everywhere I was.

Reporting him to the police would be a stupid thing to do. He was in the mafia. I did my own research. Nalaman kong hawak din nila ang mga pulis.

That was why they were an organized crime syndicate. Damn it.

Napaayos ako sa pagkakaupo nang mapansin na ibang lugar na ang dinaraanan namin. I started to feel nervous when I noticed that there weren’t any people or vehicles that drove by on that road.

“Where are we?” kinkabahan kong tanong. “This isn’t the way to my home.”

The driver glanced at me through the rearview mirror and my fear doubled. I noticed something in the way he looked at me. Hindi s’ya sumagot at nagpatuloy lang sa pagmamaneho. Napatingin ako sa likod but I didn’t even see Killian’s car.

What the hell? He stopped following me? Ngayon pa talaga?

Privilege…

Fuck!

I was already panicking inside. I knew that I was in danger. Sinubukan kong buksan ang mga pinto sa backseat but it didn’t even budge.

“Please… Just let me go home,” I could almost hear the fear in my voice.

But the driver just smirked at me and continued driving. Alam kong mas mapapalayo lang kami sa main road kapag nagpatuloy pa s’ya. Pakaunti nang pakaunti ang chance kong makatakas o may makakita man sa ’min na tutulungan ako habang papalayo kami.

Out of desperation, I grabbed the driver’s hair, hoping to hurt him. Mukhang nagulat pa ang driver sa ginawa ko at gumewang ang sasakyan pero hindi ko binitiwan ang buhok n’ya. He grunted until I felt the car stop. Iginilid n’ya ang sasakyan.

“Chertova shlyukha,” he cursed before he pushed me. Napadaing ako nang tumama ang tagiliran ko sa backrest ng passenger’s seat.

The driver got out of the car. Mabilis akong kumilos para sana tumakas but he grabbed me by the hair. Napadaing ako sa sakit nang hilahin n’ya ako sa buhok palabas ng sasakyan.

“Help me!” I screamed. “Help—”

He slammed the car door shut. Napadaing ako sa sakit nang marahas n’ya akong isandal sa pinto at malakas na tumama ang likod ko ro’n.

“Shut the hell up if you don’t want me to kill you,” he said. Ramdam ko rin ang pagbaon ng malamig na metal sa leeg ko. At kahit hindi ko man makita ’yon, I knew that it was a knife.

I bit my lower lip. I was trembling so much. Takot na takot ako at nagsimulang magtubig ang mga mata ko dahil sa kaba at takot.

Why do these things keep on happening to me?

I was whimpering in fear but I closed my lips tightly. Natatakot akong baka saktan n’ya pa ako lalo kapag may narinig s’yang kahit ano’ng tunog mula sa ’kin. I already felt my blood trickling down my neck as the knife cut my skin dahil sa pagkakadiin n’ya roon.

And when the driver smirked, halos mapaiyak na ako sa takot.

“Much better.”

He took a handful of my hair and smelled it. Rinig na rinig ko pa ang maingay na pag-amoy n’ya roon. I grimaced and closed my eyes. It was fucking disgusting. Diring-diri ako.

“P-please…” I cried. “I can give you money. I’m rich—”

“I told you to shut up!”

I cried out in pain nang marahas n’ya ulit akong itulak sa pagkakasandal at muling idiniin ang balisong sa leeg ko. Ramdam ko na ang sakit doon. Mukhang malalim na ang sugat.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapaiyak. I kept on closing my eyes, hoping that this was just a bad dream. Ayoko na ulit maranasan ang ganito. Nakakadiri sa pakiramdam. Nakakatakot.

Mabilis akong napadilat nang makarinig ng ibang tunog. As if someone just closed a car door. Agad na bumaling ang paningin ko kung nasaan ang tunog na ’yon. And I almost sighed in relief when I saw Killian getting out of his car. The car’s headlights were off kaya hindi naming napansin ang pagdating n’ya.

I looked at him, asking for help with my eyes. Pero hindi s’ya sa ’kin nakatingin kundi sa lalaking may hawak sa ’kin.

“Stay out of this,” the driver said. Hindi ako binibitiwan.

Killian glanced at me before he looked at the driver again. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Go on. I’m just a passerby,” he said.

Pareho yata kami ng driver na natigilan sa sinabi n’ya. All my hope crumbled when he even leaned his back on the side of his car while crossing his arms. As if he was just going to watch us.

Hindi makapaniwalang napatitig ako sa kanya. What the hell is he doing? Why isn’t he helping me?

Hindi na rin s’ya pinansin ng driver at sinunggaban ang leeg ko. Mukhang walang pakialam kung may manonood man sa plano n’yang gawin sa ’kin. He started kissing my neck and I cried, pushing him off me. Pero dumadiin ang balisong sa leeg ko kapag ginawa ko ’yon. I sobbed in pain and disgust as I felt the driver’s lips on my skin.

“Stop… Please.”

“This is what you want, right? Us pretending not to know each other.”

Napatingin ako kay Killian. There was something dangerous in his eyes. He was mad. I could even tell it from the tick of his jaw. It was as if he was just suppressing himself. Hindi ko naman alam kung sa akin ba s’ya nagagalit o hindi.

He looked me straight in the eye as he folded the sleeves of his polo up to his elbows. The darkness of the night made him look more dangerous than ever.

“All you have to do is ask, Irina. Ask for me.”

I tried to push the driver off me again but he was strong. Nanghihina na rin ako sa sobrang takot at panginginig ng katawan ko.

“Use your fucking privilege, love. You know I’d do anything for you.”

I looked at him again. I cried when I saw the truth and promise in his eyes.

“Help me… Killian.”

I didn’t hesitate with my words. Walang pag-aalinlangan doon kahit na alam ko kung ano’ng gagawin n’ya. I saw what he did to those men before. At sigurado akong iyon din ang gagawin n’ya sa driver ngayon.

He smirked, looking satisfied with what I’d said. He let out a cruel laugh that cut the silence of the night.

“Ah… Finally…” He chuckled. “I heard you say my name again.”

Right after he said that, namalayan ko na lang na wala ang driver sa harap ko. Napaupo ako sa lupa dahil sa panghihina. Killian grabbed him off me kasabay nang pag-agaw n’ya sa balisong na hawak ng lalaki. He stabbed it in the driver’s right thigh, making him knelt on the ground while facing me and Killian was behind him, looking at me.

“I want you to watch closely, Irina,” he said with all seriousness. “Watch what I can do for you.”

I didn’t look away. Hindi ako nag-iwas ng tingin sa kabila ng takot at kaba ko, sa kabila ng panginginig ng katawan ko. I didn’t look away even when Killian raised the knife and stabbed the driver in his right shoulder.

The driver howled in pain. Rinig na rinig iyon sa walang katao-taong lugar na ’yon. But Killian didn’t let him go. He was grabbing his hair and making him kneel on the place. Nang bunutin n’ya ang balisong mula sa pagkakabaon sa balikat ng driver ay kitang-kita ko pa ang mga dugong tumalsik papunta sa leeg n’ya. The blood even stained his blue long sleeve polo but he didn’t even mind. Ang iba ay tumalsik sa harapan ko.

“Please, don’t kill me,” I heard the driver beg pero parang hindi iyon narinig ni Killian. He was just holding the man in place.

“She begged too; you know. But you ignored her.” Killian’s smirk widened. “So, I want you to suffer before you’ll die.”

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin kay Killian nang muli n’yang itinaas ang balisong. Under the moonlight, I saw the murderous glint in his eyes. He smirked more before he chuckled as if he was enjoying what he was doing.

Ah… I was right. He enjoyed making people suffer. He enjoyed torturing them.

When Killian swung down the knife, bumaon iyon sa leeg ng driver. I didn’t look away at the scene in front of me. There was so much blood and I saw how the driver gurgled on his own. Binitiwan s’ya ni Killian at bumagsak ang katawan ng driver sa lupa.

I was just staring at the driver as he was struggling to breathe. He was struggling to hang on with life. Nakadiin ang isang kamay n’ya sa leeg n’ya na para bang mapipigilan noon ang pagdurugo. Habang ang isang kamay n’ya ay parang may inaabot. Maybe for help but no one here would give him a helping hand.

Naputol lang ang pagtitig ko sa driver nang harangan iyon ni Killian. He stood in front of me. And when I looked up, he was offering me his hand.

Napatingin ako roon. It was full of blood. That hand that he just used to kill the driver. That hand that probably killed a lot of people which I wasn’t aware of.

But it was the same hand that helped me.

That’s why I didn’t think twice when I accepted his hand. I didn’t mind the sticky feeling of the blood na lumipat na rin sa kamay ko. Killian helped me up. He wasn’t saying anything. Nakatingin lang s’ya sa ’kin.

I gulped. Pero may bikig na namumuo sa lalamunan ko kasabay nang pagtutubig ng mga mata ko habang nakatitig sa kanya. He came to help me. Again.

I didn’t hesitate to close the distance between us. I buried my face on his chest. Nagsimula akong humikbi. I grabbed his shirt as I started to sob uncontrollably.

I felt Killian wrapped his arms around me. He gently caressed my hair and I felt him kiss the top of my head.

“Sshhh… You’re safe with me, Irina…”

I know… I know…

Despite what I’ve seen, despite the stench of blood, despite the sound of the driver as he took his last breath… I knew that I was safe with Killian.

Chapter 30

I was quiet as Killian drove his car. I was just looking down at my hands that were on my lap. Kanina pa ako nakatitig sa pulang mantsa na nasa palad ko. Hinayaan ko lang na matuyo ang dugo sa kamay ko. Ni hindi ko man lang iyon sinubukang ipunas sa kung saan para maalis ang malagkit na pakiramdam sa palad ko. I just kept it as it was since I held Killian’s hand earlier.

I didn’t even know what I should feel. I didn’t know how I still could stare at the blood that was on my hand. The blood that clearly wasn’t mine. The blood whose owner just died a few minutes ago.

I glanced at Killian. There wasn’t any emotion that I could see on his face. He was just looking at the road as if nothing had happened earlier. Napansin ko pa ang mga talsik ng dugo sa damit n’ya. There were also blood splatters on his neck and on the side of his face. Pero ang mas kapansin-pansin ay ang dugo sa mga kamay n’ya. There was a lot of blood, especially on his right hand which had already dried up.

But it didn’t look like he minded it at all. Kung umakto s’ya ay para ngang walang mali. He was acting so casually as he was already used to this kaya hindi na n’ya alintana ang kahit ano. Even if he might stain the wheel and the gear because of the blood on his hands.

My mind was already in chaos. Kung ano-ano na nga ang naiisip ko. Naisip ko pa ngang baka mahuli s’ya ng mga pulis dahil makikita ang DNA ng driver sa manibela ng sasakyan ni Killian. Because he didn’t really bother wiping the blood off his hands.

But then, I knew that he could get away with it. He was a powerful man. I even heard him talking to something over his phone earlier, telling whoever was on the other line that he had something to “clean.” Maybe he was talking about his car. Or maybe… it was whatever that was left on the scene.

I took a deep breath and looked outside the window. I know that I should be creeped out right now. I should be scared. I should be terrified. But I was feeling so numb right now. I even felt like this wasn’t a reality. Wala akong kahit ano’ng takot na nararamdaman.

But there was a reason I thought of earlier why I was feeling this way that I just didn’t want to acknowledge. The reason was that it was because I was with Killian, I didn’t even feel any fear at all. That I feel really safe with him.

I feel safe with the man who just killed someone right before me. And I was even in love with that man.

Hindi naman iyon nawala. Mas lalo pa ngang lumala. It was as if the more I suppressed my feelings for, the more it just wanted to come out. Hindi ako hinahayaang kalimutan ang tungkol sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

I closed my eyes. I realized just how twisted I was. Alam ko na ’yon. I already had an idea the night he showed me what he did with those two men. That feeling of contentment when I saw that those got what they deserved. That I was… satisfied with what Killian did.

And it scared the hell out of me. Natakot akong ganoon pala talaga ko. So, I tried to cover it by getting mad at Killian because he let me see what he did to them. Na dahil nakita ko ’yon, it gave me that realization that I, too, have that wicked side in me. Nagtatago lang. And Killian was the only one who could free that side of me.

Kaya sinubukan kong lumayo sa kanya. Natakot akong matuloy-tuloy ’yon. I was terrified to know that maybe… that was who I really am.

But Killian already noticed it. He knew it. He knew how corrupt I was. Maybe he already saw it in me the first time he saw me. Kaya hindi n’ya ako tinigilan. Hindi n’ya ako nilayuan.

That’s why earlier, he wanted me to see it. He wanted me to face it. To know that he would do whatever I wanted, no matter how sick it was, without even dirtying my hands. Be he would do it for me.

He wanted me not to look away. To embrace my wickedness. To accept who I really am.

Napapitlag na lang ako nang bumukas ang pinto sa side ko. Killian was standing outside. Ni hindi ko namalayan na huminto na pala ang kotse ang nakababa na s’ya sa lalim ng iniisip ko.

I looked up at him and he was staring down at me. Napatingin ako sa paligid. We were at the building he owned. The one where his penthouse was. The one where he had his torture chamber.

Nanginginig ang kamay na inalis ko ang seatbelt ko. I was starting to get scared. Hindi ko alam kung para saan. Maybe because this was the place where I first realized that… there was something dark inside of me.

Pero bago pa ako makababa, Killian already scooted me up. He carried me in his arms. Maybe he got impatient or maybe he knew that I wouldn’t be able to walk by myself.

“I can—” I was about to protest when he cut me off.

“Just let me carry you, Irina,” his tone wasn’t even asking kaya nanahimik na lang ako.

Kumapit ako sa mga balikat n’ya. But when I felt how hard his body was, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, hugged him, and buried my face on his neck. I inhaled his masculine scent. Instantly, all my fears and worries were gone.

Goodness… I think I’m getting worse.

Pero paano ba? How could I even stop myself from feeling safe around him when he already saved me twice? When he already proved to me that there was nothing that he wouldn’t do for me?

I felt him tighten his hold on me.

“I’ll take care of you, love… You don’t have to worry about anything,” he whispered.

He went inside the elevator. Wala na akong pakialam sa paligid ko. I didn’t even care where he would take me. Ang gusto ko lang, manatiling nakayakap sa kanya.

Shit… I miss this. I miss the feeling of his body against me. I miss him so much.

Naramdaman ko ang muling paglalakad n’ya nang bumukas ang elevator. I think he even climbed the stairs pero hindi pa rin ako gumalaw. It seemed like he didn’t even mind carrying me anyway. Mukhang hindi man lang nabibigatan sa ’kin. He was just holding me firmly, not giving me the chance to even move away.

Sa ganoong posisyon ay nagawa pa n’yang buksan ang isang pinto. And then another. He just let me down when we entered some room and I felt a cold tile on my feet. Saka lang ako tuluyang bumitiw sa kanya and when I looked around, I realized we were in a bathroom. We were under a showerhead.

The bathroom has dark gray tiles. Halos walang pinagkaiba sa bahay n’ya. Pero hindi ko na nagawa pang pagtuunan ng pansin ang iba as I could feel his heavy stares at me as if telling me to look at him. To which I did.

The moment I looked in his deep green eyes, I realized just how weak I was. My knees trembled and I almost lost my balance kaya napahawak ako sa mga braso n’ya. Mas lalong tumiin ang pagtitig n’ya sa ’kin. As if he was amused at how he could affect me with just only his stares.

“Killian…” I whispered his name. God… It has been so long since I called his name like this.

His lips curled into a smirk. He seemed satisfied that I said his name again. Naalala ko rin kanina kung gaano s’ya natuwa sa muli kong pagbanggit ng pangalan n’ya. As if he had been waiting for me to do that again.

“What…” I cleared my throat. It sounded so soft but I knew he could hear it. We were so close that I could smell his fresh and mint breath. “Why are we here?”

He let out a short chuckle.

“I’m going to wash you up,” he said. Hindi man lang inalis ang pagkakatitig sa ’kin. “I know you’re feeling uncomfortable.”

I looked at him, confusion was in my eyes.

“Wash… me up?”

His lips stretched a bit, giving me a soft smile. Napatitig tuloy ako sa kanya. Mas lalo s’yang gumwapo sa paningin ko dahil sa pagngiti n’yang ’yon.

“Uh-huh…” he hummed as he tucked some strands of my hair behind my ears. Alam kong sobrang gulo ng buhok ko. But his touch was gentle. “I told you I’m going to take care of you.”

Napakurap ako. From touching my hair, his hand went to caress my cheeks. His touch was so light that I almost couldn’t feel it. I was confused. Just earlier, this hand that was touching just made a man suffer and ended his life. But now… the gentleness made my heart full and I almost cried.

I gulped down the emotions wanting to resurface. Being with Killian was so confusing. Halos lahat na yata ng mga emosyon ay nararamdaman ko sa kanya. It was like riding a rollercoaster. I’ve been down but in just a matter of seconds, Killian could easily lift me.

Titig na titig s’ya sa ’kin. I saw how his eyes roamed around my face. From my eyebrows, down to my eyes, to my nose, and then to my lips where his gaze lingers longer. There was something flicked in his eyes as he stared at my lips but he was just suppressing it. But I knew what it was.

Hunger. Desire.

Biglang nag-init ang katawan ko. God… How long had it been since the last time we kissed? How long had it been since the last time I touched him? Hindi ko na matandaan. But right now, I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to touch him.

Pero nang bumaba pa ulit ang tingin ni Killian, I saw how his expression changed. He frowned a bit at first and then I saw fire in his eyes. As if he was mad and then livid. Nakitaan ko ng kakaibang galit ang mga mata n’ya.

“Fucking son of a bitch,” he cursed through his gritted teeth. “I shouldn’t have killed him so easily.”

Noong una ay nagtaka pa ako kung bakit ganoon na lang ang galit n’ya. But then, his touch went down and I flinched when I felt a stabbing pain in my neck. Mas lalong nagalit si Killian nang makita ang reaksyon kong ’yon. And that was when I remembered the cut on my neck.

“You already made him suffer,” I said, hoping to erase that anger in his eyes.

“It wasn’t enough,” he said. “I should’ve tortured him first.”

It was ironic how I was having this kind of conversation with him. Kung noon ay nagalit pa ako sa kanya dahil ipinakita n’ya sa ’kin ang ginawa n’ya sa dalawang lalaking ’yon. But now that I even saw how he killed a man in front of me, I was… fine.

Ah… now I fully understand what he meant when he said that I have the privilege.

I yelped when cold water fell from the showerhead, wetting my hair. Mahina lang iyon pero sapat na para mabasa ako nang nakikita pa rin si Killian at hindi nalulunod sa tubig. We were just staring at each other. The water was damping his hair too.

And then I felt Killian brush the wound on my neck with his thumb. I winced in pain but Killian just kept on doing it. Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko para pigilan ang mapadaing sa hapding nararamdaman.

“Sshhh… It’ll be okay, love,” he whispered, soothing me. “It’s okay.”

He closed the distance between us. I felt him kiss my forehead while still whispering that it was okay. Patuloy pa rin s’ya sa ginagawa sa sugat ko but the pain lessened as his kiss when down to my eyes. Napapikit ako nang pareho n’yang halikan ang mga mata ko. And then he kissed my nose, then my cheeks. Hinintay ko ang paglapat ng mga labi n’ya sa mga labi ko pero hindi nangyari.

“I’ll make you feel good,” he said.

I inhaled sharply when he kissed my neck. Napatingala ako, letting the water run down my face while trying to catch a breath. Pakiramdam ko ay nauubusan na ako ng hangin. And despite the cold water, my body felt so hot.

It wasn’t now his thumb that was grazing my wound but his lips. Mariin kong nakagat ang ibabang labi ko at halos magdugo na iyon. And when I felt his warm tongue as he licked my wound, I grabbed onto his shirt for support. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay biglang nawalan ng lakas ang tuhod ko. He wrapped an arm around my waist when he probably noticed it.

“Killian…” I was breathing so hard. “What are you doing?”

I felt his smile against my skin but he licked my wound again. Hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos. Sunod-sunod na ang pagkuha ko ng hangin para sa baga ko.

Goodness…

“Kill— hmm…” I moaned when he suddenly sucked my neck, just where my wound was.

Mas lalo akong napakapit sa kanya. I knew that the wound reopened. Iyon ang ginagawa n’ya kanina. He was trying to reopen the wound by wiping off the dried blood with his thumb. And right now, I knew that he could taste my fresh blood.

“You seem to like blood so much,” wala na sa sarili kong sabi. I was squirming against him. Mabuti na lang at nakayakap ang isa n’yang braso sa bewang ko dahil malamang, kanina pa ako nasa sahig sa panghihina ng mga tuhod ko dahil sa ginagawa n’ya.

“I only like tasting your blood,” he said before resuming sucking my neck.

“Are you a vampire?”

He made a low chuckle this time. He continued what he was doing and didn’t answer me.

I moaned when he licked the wound before sucking my neck again. The sensation and pleasure it gave me was so much that I couldn’t handle it. Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng buong katawan ko.

What the hell… How can something like this feel so good? It was… filthy and disturbing but… I like it. I liked what he was doing to me.

“Killian…”

“Hmm?”

“It feels so good…” hindi ko na napigilang sabihin.

Ramdam ko ang pagngisi n’ya sa leeg ko.

“I told you I’d make you feel good.”

“I’m scared…”

Napatigil s’ya at tiningnan ako. Wala na ang bakas ng dugo sa leeg at gilid ng mukha n’ya.

“Of what?” he asked.

“I’m scared of what’s happening to me,” pag-amin ko.

He just stared at me. I saw that he was trying to read what’s on my mind. Hinayaan ko lang s’ya. I laid him my fears. I laid him my worries. I laid myself bare in front of him.

And I didn’t know how Killian could do it. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit kahit na wala akong sabihin ay parang alam na alam n’ya ang lahat ng iniisip ko. Ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. He could read me so easily.

Because right now, I knew that he understood what he meant.

Hinapit n’ya pa ako lalo palapit sa katawan n’ya. Our clothes were now wet so I could really feel his hard body against mine. I liked the feeling. I wanted more. More of him.

“It’s alright…” he assured me. “It’s okay, Irina. I can see all of you. I accept all of you.”

Ramdam ko ang pagtutubig ng mga mata ko. I saw honesty in his eyes.

I felt guilty. He knew what I was talking about. He saw it even if I tried to hide it. Mas nakita n’ya pa iyon kaysa sa ’kin. My immorality, my impurity… the wicked side of me.

He saw it all and yet… he’s willing to accept all of that so easily.

Ramdam ko ang muling paghaplos n’ya sa pisngi ko.

“Lose yourself to me, Irina… Only to me.”

“Killian…”

“Don’t hold yourself back.”

I stared at him. There was a challenge in his eyes. Mukhang inaabangan n’ya kung katulad noon ay tatakbo pa rin ako palayo. Kung tatakas pa rin ako. Or if this time, I’m willing to face it.

But I knew that even if I tried to run away again, he’d just chase after me. Hindi ulit s’ya titigil hangga’t hindi nangyayari ang gusto n’ya. He already knew that I was completely aware now that there was nothing that I could do to escape from him.

And yet he was still giving me this challenge.

Ah… Alright… We’re both corrupted. But he was with ruthlessness.

My eyes went down to his lips. They looked so inviting, especially now that they were damped with water. At alam kong hindi ko na mapipigilan ang sarili ko.

How long did I try to pretend that I didn’t miss those lips?

So, accepting his challenge, I tiptoed as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Naramdaman ko kaagad ang pagpulupot ng mga braso n’ya sa bewang ko.

“Alright… You win, Killian,” I said, finally admitting my defeat before pressing my lips against his.

I heard him chuckle against my lips. It was a harsh and cruel chuckle telling me that I got caught in his trap.

“That’s my good girl…” he said before deepening the kiss.

Chapter 31

WARNING: R18

–

I sighed in contentment when I felt the warmth of Killian’s lips against mine. And it seemed like he felt it as I swore I’d heard him make a low chuckle against his throat. Naramdaman ko pa nga ang pagngisi n’ya sa mga labi ko. As if he knew how he could affect me so much and he was enjoying every bit of my reaction because of him.

I never knew how much I missed his kiss. I never knew how long I’d been wanting to kiss him again. I didn’t even know myself that I missed his touch or the feeling of being held by him again. It was only now that I had the realization, something that I’ve been ignoring and chose to hide deep inside me.

The truth is that I really miss Killian. I didn’t even want to stay away from him. After everything, I still loved him and wanted to be by his side. Ni ayoko nga talagang malayo sa kanya.

And now that he was holding me again and kissing me again, I felt… comfortable. I felt safe. As if nothing would ever go wrong again.

A small gasp escaped from my lips when Killian pulled me even closer to him. I could tell how much he had been looking forward for this to happen too. Ramdam ko sa bawat pagbaon ng mga daliri n’ya sa balat ko. Mahigpit ang pagkakakapit n’ya na para bang nanggigigil and he wasn’t able to restrain himself anymore. As if he wanted his hold on me to have marks on my skin, and I knew they would, just to have proof that this was happening again. As if he was claiming what was really his.

And I just let him do what he wanted. I remember how many marks he left on my body the first time we had sex. Ang dami kong mga pasa sa katawan noon. Nahirapan pa nga akong itago dahil nag-iwan din s’ya ng marka sa mga parteng usually ay naka-expose sa ’kin. It was a good thing that my family never questioned me when I was always wearing a turtle neck or a scarf on my neck until the marks faded.

But still, I don’t care. Wala akong pakialam kahit gaano pa ulit karami ang markang iiwan n’ya sa katawan ko. I wanted it too. I wanted to have proof that Killian was holding me again. I wanted him to leave marks on my skin.

Because no matter how hard I tried to run away from him before, I was still his. And he already knew it.

Hindi pa nga ako nakuntento sa pagkakalapit namin kahit halos hindi na makadaan ang tubig sa pagitan namin. I fisted on his shirt and pulled him close to me. Nahirapan pa nga ako dahil basa na ang damit n’ya at humahapit na iyon sa katawan n’ya. Killian chuckled when I groaned in frustration at s’ya na mismo ang humapit ulit sa katawan ko para mas magdikit kami.

But it still wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more of him. I wanted him closer. I wanted to feel his warmth more. I wanted him to fill me inside. I wanted him inside of me again.

It was as if I was thirsty and had been deprived of water for so long. At ngayon ay paunti-unti lang ang bigay sa ’kin. Parang mas tinatakam ako. It was frustrating and I feel like I’m going crazy kapag hindi pa sa ’kin ibinigay ang lahat ng kailangan ko.

Killian kissed me so hard but I didn’t mind. I gave him the same intensity he was giving me. I never even knew that I could kiss like this. I never knew that I would be hungry for anyone’s kiss.

I knew that the water was still running but it wasn’t enough to extinguish the fire between us. Wala man lang nagawa ang lamig ng tubig sa init na nararamdaman ko. I couldn’t even feel it running down my body. All that I was aware of was Killian and Killian alone.

From his shirt, my hand went to the back of his head. I fisted on his damp hair and that earned a groan from him. Parang mas lalong nanggigil si Killian dahil doon. He bit my lower lip, so hard, that I winced in pain and I was so sure that it bruised my lips. I could almost taste my blood. Lalayo na sana ako to relieve the cut but Killian didn’t let me.

Ang isang kamay n’ya ay napunta sa likod ng ulo ko. He fisted on my hair and pulled it as if he was giving me punishment for even thinking of pulling away from him. Mas hinapit pa n’ya ako palapit sa kanya. And then he sucked my lower lip, sucking the blood on it as well.

Oh, my goodness… Him and his love for blood… Bagay na bagay nga sa kanya ang pangalan n’ya.

I moaned when he licked my lower lip. Hindi na ako nakapagpigil at isa-isa nang kinalas ang mga butones ng pang-itaas n’ya. I was so sure where this would lead us. Alam na alam ko na. But I couldn’t feel any protest inside of me. In fact, I was even anticipating it.

Narinig ko ang mababang pagtawa ni Killian nang maramdaman n’ya ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko. I’ve never felt so frustrated in my life. Halos gusto ko na lang hilahin at sirain ang shirt n’ya dahil unti-unti na akong nawawalan ng pasensya sa isa-isang pagtatanggal ng butones doon.

“Easy, love…” Killian said against my lips.

I just groaned in protest and kissed him again. Ramdam ko pa rin ang ngisi sa mga labi n’ya nang halikan n’ya ako pabalik. As if he was amused by my frustration and he was having fun right now.

Shit… I knew it. Something is different with me. Hindi naman ako ganito noon. It was only Killian who could drive out this dark side of me.

Good thing that Killian helped me unbutton his shirt bago pa tuluyang mawala ang pasensya ko. But the moment he took off his shirt, he pulled away from me. Hinabol ko pa nga ang mga labi n’ya at natatawang pinigilan ako ni Killian.

“Let’s get you washed up first,” he said.

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. I was breathing so hard. Ang bilis din ng tibok ng puso ko. There was a smirk on Killian’s lips but the lust was so evident in his eyes. And I knew I mirrored his expression. I saw it in his eyes as he stared at me.

I was breathing through my mouth. Ramdam ko ang pamamaga ng mga labi ko dahil sa rahas at diin ng paghahalikan namin ni Killian. And it was as if it added to the lust he was already feeling as I saw a different glint in his eyes, something so carnal.

But I felt it as well. Especially when my eyes went down his body and I finally saw his new tattoos fully. Wala na ang mga dugo sa katawan n’ya. The water had already washed it away.

I couldn’t really make out the tattoo on his neck. But it looked like chains… a series of chains twisted together and the spaces were filled with black ink so I couldn’t see Killian’s skin anymore. Magkakabuhol ang mga kadena pababa sa ibabaw ng dibdib n’ya. But my lips parted when I saw another image connected to the chain.

It was hands tied together on the wrist with the chains. Ang mga kamay ay nasa kaliwang dibdib n’ya, just where his heart was, and they were clasped together, as if holding something inside of it. The image faded before it reached his stomach.

Hindi ko na napigilang haplusin ang bagong tattoo n’ya. The art was so beautiful that it fascinated me. One look and anyone could tell there was a meaning behind that tattoo.

I caressed the hands that were chained together. Based on how delicate it looked, I could tell that the hands were from a woman. Ramdam ko ang tibok ng puso ni Killian habang hinahaplos ko ang tattoo n’yang iyon.

“What is she holding?” I asked. I was so curious. It was as if the woman was protecting whatever she was holding even if her hands were tied together.

Killian held my hand that was caressing his skin. His hold was so gentle, so opposite to the harsh look in his eyes as he stared at me. Hindi n’ya inalis ang titig sa ’kin habang isa-isang hinalikan ang mga daliri ko.

“All of me,” he said.

I should’ve felt insecure. I should’ve felt jealous. But the look in his eyes didn’t make me feel so. The way he kissed my fingertips didn’t give me any negative feelings regarding his tattoos. As if he was trying to tell me something with that.

Hindi na ako nakapagpigil at muli s’yang hinalikan. I understood what he meant. Hindi ko alam kung paano. And my heart felt so full that I almost cried.

Ilang sandaling tinugon ni Killian ang halik bago muling humiwalay sa ’kin. He chuckled when he saw the frown on my face.

“I’m going to wash you up first, Irina,” sabi n’yang parang kumakausap sa bata.

I wanted to kiss him again though. Gusto ko lang s’yang halikan nang halikan. And maybe… more than that. Pero wala na akong nagawa nang hubarin ni Killian ang damit ko at ang natira na lang ay ang brassiere at underwear ko.

Oh… Maybe his idea wasn’t so bad at all.

I saw desire in his eyes as he stared at my body. Bumalik ang tingin n’ya sa mga mata ko and I could see how much he was restraining himself from what he wanted to do to me. It gave me the satisfaction that I wasn’t the only one who wanted something more. If anything, mukhang mas grabe pa nga ang kagustuhan ni Killian.

He was about to unclasp my bra, umabot na ang kamay n’ya sa hook noon sa likod when I shivered. Suddenly, I felt… scared. Bigla ang dagsa ng mga alaala sa ’kin. Sa nangyari kanina lang. Sa nangyari rin noon.

I’ve forgotten it for a while. Dahil kay Killian. S’ya lang naman ang kayang magpalimot sa ’kin ng lahat. But I didn’t know why I was reminded of those horrible experiences again. Maybe because I thought that I was about to get raped. Na may ibang lalaking makakahawak ng katawan ko kahit na ayoko. At kahit ano’ng laban ko, magagawa nila ang gusto nila sa ’kin because they were stronger than me.

I shuddered. Nanginginig na rin ang bawat paghinga ko. I didn’t want to think of what would happen to me if Killian didn’t come. Kung hindi s’ya dumating, kung hindi n’ya ako ilang beses na niligtas, hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin ngayon.

I didn’t even care if he tortured those men or even if he killed someone in front of me. I was just so thankful that he saved me.

I was pretending to be lawful, to be righteous. Pero kapag sa ’kin naman may masamang nangyari, wala na akong pakialam basta makaligtas ako.

Ah… My mind is really twisted…

Killian noticed what was happening to me. He turned off the shower. Hinawakan n’ya ang pisngi ko. He made me look at him.

“Just look at me, Irina,” he said. “I’m the one who’s in front of you right now.”

I looked at him. Noong una ay tumatagos pa ang tingin ko sa kanya. But his stares were so heavy it was impossible for me not to really see him.

“Killian…” I mumbled his name.

“I won’t let anything bad happen to you again,” he promised. “Remember that.”

I stared at him. I saw the truth in his eyes.

“Do you understand?” he asked when I remained silent.

Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa kanya, kinakabisa ang bawat parte ng mukha n’ya. Goodness gracious… He was really handsome. And hot. He could even make me hot and bothered so easily.

Slowly, I nodded. Alam ko naman na kung gugustuhin n’ya, gagawin n’ya talaga ang lahat. Hindi ba nga at ilang beses n’yang sinabi sa ’kin na babalik din ako sa kanya kahit ilang beses ko s’yang sinubukang layuan?

This man really knew his charm.

“Yes,” I answered.

He smirked at me.

“Good girl…”

And right then, I was already under his mercy.

He then continued to unhook my bra. At first, he was just looking at my eyes, waiting for my reaction. Inaabangan siguro kung babalik ang takot ko. But when I just kept on looking at him with my parted lips, his eyes went down. At dahil nakatitig ako sa mga mata n’ya, I saw how desire and lust pooled his eyes.

I noticed him clenching his jaw as he stared at my breast. He wet his lips with his tongue and I almost lost it. Bumalik ang pag-iinit na nararamdaman ko. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

Shit. To think that he just wanted to wash me up.

He put liquid body wash on his palm and made foam with his hand. I made a squeak nang ikalat n’ya iyon sa katawan ko. From my shoulders, his large hands went down my arms, kinakalat ang dulas doon. Marahan. The way his hands moved was so sensual that it added to the sensation that I was already feeling. Pigil na pigil akong mapaungol sa pakiramdam ng magaspang n’yang palad sa balat ko.

But it was as if Killian couldn’t help himself, his head dipped down. I felt him lick one of my nipples and I flinched as I inhaled a sharp breath.

“Killian…” Mabilis kong kinagat ang ibabang labi ko nang mapaungol ako.

But his slippery hands went down my waist. He trailed kisses on my tummy before he knelt in front of me. I looked down at him and I shivered with the sight. He looked so serious as he spread the soap down my legs. And when he removed my underwear, naging sunud-sunuran na lang ako sa kanya.

I leaned on the tiled wall for support. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay mawawalan ako ng lakas anumang oras. I was trying to stop my knees from trembling. But when Killian lifted one of my legs, I almost stumbled on the floor. Mas lalo ko na lang idiniin ang sarili ko sa tiled wall.

I thought Killian would continue cleaning me. Pero imbes na ang madulas n’yang kamay, naramdaman ko ang mainit n’yang mga labi sa hita ko. I was already breathing so hard when I looked at him again, kissing my inner thigh, licking it in circular motion.

“What…” I took a deep breath. “I thought you were just going to wash me up.”

He looked up at me. I shivered even more when I saw a dangerous glint in his eyes. Doon pa lang, alam ko nang nag-iba na ang plano n’ya.

“Change of plans, love,” he said and I remembered he also said that to me during our first night together. “I want to have my meal first.”

I frowned at him.

“What?”

He gave me a cruel smirk.

“You want it too, right, Irina?” He put my thigh on his shoulder. He planted another kiss on my inner thigh and I sucked in a breath. “I know you want me to eat this wet little cunt and come on my face.”

Holy… fuck. I’ve almost forgotten how dirty he could talk.

“Killian…”

“I’ll make you come with my mouth before I’ll fuck you up against that wall and suck your perfect tits. I’m going to fuck you hard and fast until you milk my cock while screaming my name.”

I tried so hard to remain standing dahil nanghihina na agad ako sa mga pinagsasabi ni Killian. Pero nahihirapan ako ngayong isang paa ko na lang ang nakatapak sa sahig. I knew he would do it. He was giving me a warning about what he was going to do with me.

“Just tell me you want it too, love…”

I bit my lower lip. He already knew the answer. He could see how wet I was and I blushed with that thought. Hindi ko na maitatago iyon. I couldn’t even deny it. But more importantly, I didn’t want to deny myself. I was already blinded with lust.

Still biting my lower lip, I nodded.

“Yes.”

It was just one word and I almost couldn’t finish saying it when Killian buried his face between my legs. A long moan escaped from my lips when I felt him lick my already wet folds. I saw the ghost smirk on his lips when he confirmed how turned on I was.

His warm tongue continued exploring my folds, flattening it as he licked me up and down. Halos manginig ang buong katawan ko sa pag-iinit at sa sensasyong ibinibigay n’ya. I was biting my lower lip so hard to prevent myself from screaming.

He was an expert. Alam ko naman iyon noon pa. He knew how he could make me want for more. He knew how he could make me go crazy by depriving me of what I really wanted just like what he was doing with me right now. He was just licking my folds, avoiding my clit.

“Killian—” A sob escaped from my lips. I wanted to beg. I wanted more. But he just continued lapping my folds like a wild animal, not even caring if he was giving me what I really wanted.

He was teasing me. Alam n’ya naman kung gaano ko kagusto iyon kanina pa. He already knew how I wanted him to touch me, to kiss me, but he wanted to punish me first.

He was torturing me. Maybe he wanted to give me a lesson for staying away from him for years when the truth was, I was craving for him too.

“Killian…” I cried out his name. My hips were lifting on their own. Parang hinahabol ang mga labi ni Killian but he was holding me in place. “Please…”

Killian stopped what he was doing and I almost cried. He stared at me.

“Say you won’t run away from me again,” he said. His eyes were so dangerous and intense that I trembled even more.

“I won’t,” mabilis kong sagot. Halos maiyak na ako sa pagkabitin. “I promise.”

“You won’t like me mad, Irina,” he warned.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I won’t do it again.”

Ilang saglit n’ya pa akong tinitigan. Maybe he was trying to find the truth in my eyes. And when he saw it, an evil smile showed on his lips.

“Good girl,” he said before he finally… Finally licked my clit.

Halos mapasigaw ako roon. Tuluyan nang nawalan ng lakas ang mga tuhod ko at napasabuot ako sa buhok n’ya. Killian sucked my clit so hard that I almost come right on the spot. I was moaning, crying, and sobbing. My voice echoed through the entire bathroom.

He was licking my folds and then sucking my clit. He was moving his tongue so fast I couldn’t follow his movement. I just focused on how good he was making me feel. It was so good that I was on the verge of going insane.

I knew I was about to come. Mas lalong lumakas ang mga ungol na kumakawala sa bibig ko. Killian’s expert tongue continued playing with my clit, even lightly biting it that I jerked with the sensation.

I was breathing so hard. Mahigpit na ang pagkakasabunot ko sa buhok ni Killian but he didn’t mind. He just continued eating me. And when my knees trembled so much, a sign that I was going to come, I pushed his face more on my folds.

And Killian knew it. He noticed it. He licked me one more time before sucking my clit so hard that my orgasm finally exploded.

I screamed. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. Pero hindi pa rin tumigil si Killian sa ginagawa n’ya. He was still sucking my clit, licking my folds, and fucking me with his tongue to prolong my orgasm. It was so intense. Pakiramdam ko ay naubusan ako ng boses sa pagsigaw at nanakit pa ang lalamunanko .

“Killian!” I scream. “Holy—”

I trembled once more before my strength finally left me. But before I could stumble on the floor, Killian’s strong arms caught me. Pumalibot ang isang braso n’ya sa bewang ko at ang isa ay yumakap sa likod ko. I couldn’t do anything but lean my whole weight on him.

I felt him kiss my temple and whisper in my ear.

“I’m going to fuck you now. It’ll be hard and fast since I’ve waited far too long for this,” he said. “I promised I’ll make it up to you after.”

Isinandal n’ya ako sa tiled wall. He looked at me and I saw how intense his eyes were.

“But for now, love… It will be a rough fuck for now.”

Chapter 32

WARNING: R18

–

Isinandal ako ni Killian sa tiled wall and I put my whole weight on it. Pakiramdam ko kasi, kapag wala akong suporta ay mapapaupo na lang ako sa sahig dahil hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang lakas ko. My knees were still trembling slightly and I was still catching my breath after the orgasm that Killian gave me.

I looked at him. He was staring hard at me. His intense eyes told me that what he did wasn’t enough for him. That he wanted to do more. Just like what he said.

I stared at his lips and noticed that it was damp, glistening when the light hit them. Mas lalong naging mapula ang mga labi n’ya. And the thought that it was because of me that his lips looked like that gave me a feeling inside my chest. I was feeling proud. Pakiramdam ko kasi, namarkahan ko rin s’ya. At sa isiping iyon ay muling nag-init ang pakiramdam ko.

I wanted him too. So much. Oh, my freakin’ goodness…

And it seemed like Killian noticed it again. Dahil ilang sandali lang ay naramdaman ko ang mga labi n’ya sa ’kin. He attacked my lips as if he had been starving for them for so long and my lips were the only thing that could satisfy his hunger. Mariin ang pagkakahalik n’ya. He was biting, lapping on my lips as if he couldn’t get enough.

I answered his kiss with the same intensity. I could even taste my own release on his lips and it just added to the lust I was already feeling. Sinubukan kong sabayan ang paggalaw n’ya. After all, I was feeling the same. Pakiramdam ko, matagal din akong nagutom and only with Killian that I could feel full again.

I moaned when our tongues met. Napakapit ako sa mga braso ni Killian na nakayakap sa ’kin dahil kahit ano’ng gawin ko, hindi ko talaga mapantayan ang intesidad n’ya. He was always too much for me, even tempting me to do the same. With the way his lips moved, it was as if he was teaching me to kiss like that. Because that was the only way we could satisfy our hunger.

Pero hindi ko talaga s’ya masabayan. The way he played with my tongue with his made my body squirm against his hold. The way he deepened the kiss, how he plunged his tongue inside my mouth, tasting every corner made me moan in lust and sensation. Pakiramdam ko, nilalagnat ako sa sobrang pag-iinit ng katawan ko.

He was ruthless, alright. But I was getting addicted. I wanted to surrender to his temptation.

Killian ended the kiss and looked at me. Nakita kong mas dumoble pa ang intesidad sa mga mata n’ya. His hands that were holding me told me that he was just restraining himself. I could see them in the veins of his arms. Parang nagagalit din katulad n’ya sa sobrang pagpipigil.

“I’m clean,” he said so suddenly.

Napakurap ako.

“What?”

I noticed his jaw clenched. Mukhang kaunti na lang ay mapuputol na ang pagpipigil n’ya.

“I won’t wear any protection. I want to fuck you raw. I want to feel you directly.”

Nahigit ko ang paghinga ko. I saw in his eyes how serious he was. Na para bang kapag pinigilan ko ang gusto n’ya ay may mangyayaring hindi maganda.

But… I wanted it too. I wanted to feel his piercing directly inside me again.

“But don’t worry, I’m clean,” sabi n’ya ulit. “I haven’t fuck anyone since you.”

“That’s… doubtful,” sabi kong hindi naniniwala.

How could I when I’ve been hearing stories about how playboy he was when he was still in the university? Kabi-kabila pa nga ang mga babae n’ya noon. Parang hindi nauubusan base na rin sa mga kwento ni Annika.

I mean it’s not like I could blame him. Ako nga, nahulog din naman sa kanya. I couldn’t even resist him no matter how hard I tried. Kaya wala rin namang problema sa ’kin ang mga gawain n’ya noon. It was his life. There’s no problem about that. After all, those girls wanted him. Mukhang mutual naman ang usapan nila. Just flings. A fuck buddies.

Tapos sasabihin n’yang wala s’yang naging babae after what we did before? That was years with no women warming his bed! Hindi kapani-paniwala!

Killian chuckled when he saw the doubt in my eyes.

“Do you really think I have the time to fuck around when I was busy following you?” he asked with a cruel smirk on his lips. “I only want you, Irina.”

And to prove what he said, mas idinikit n’ya ang katawan sa’kin, particularly that part below his waist. My eyes widened and a gasp escaped from my lips when I felt his erection on my tummy. He was so hard, telling me that he really was just stopping himself. I’ve already seen that part of his body before pero nagugulat pa rin ako ngayong damang-dama ko kung gaano s’ya kalaki.

Holy shit… I remember how barely it fit me before. I remember the pain when he just roughly plunged himself inside me. I remember when he tasted my blood, proof that he was the first man in my life.

Nakaramdam ako ng panginginig. I was trembling with… anticipation.

“It is your taste that I want,” he said. Titig na titig s’ya sa ’kin. “It is your blood that I’m fucking dying to lick over and over. I want your beauty. I want your darkness. I fucking want all of you.”

He dipped his head and I felt him lapping the length of my neck with his tongue. I winced when he grazed my cut.

“I want to consume you. I want to dominate you. I want to make you mine,” he whispered in my ear. His voice was a pleasing husky rumble. “And I know you are. You are mine. I made sure there wouldn’t be anyone else. I fucking made sure it would only be me.”

Bahagya s’yang lumayo sa ’kin para tingnan ako sa mga mata. I looked at him and I shivered when I saw something evil in his eyes that told me he was thinking of doing something crazy. There was a murderous glint in his eyes.

And when he gave me a terrifying smirk, I knew right then that there was no way for me to get away from him anymore.

“I’ll fucking kill anyone who would take you away from me.” Nakakatakot ang naging paraan ng tingin at ngisi n’ya. “I’ll fucking kill if there would be anyone, Irina… No matter who it is.”

He thrust his hips, rubbing his erection on me more. Napasinghap ako nang muling maramdaman kung gaano katigas ang parteng iyon. My body trembled and I held his shoulders for support. I looked at him and I knew he could see the lust in my eyes. I was already breathing hard with anticipation. Gustong-gusto ko nang muling maramdaman s’ya.

“Why are you still talking?” I asked impatiently.

I thought he would fuck me hard and fast? I thought he wanted me too? Bakit ba nagsasalita pa rin s’ya? Goodness, I really wanted him so much I think I would go crazy if he still wouldn’t give me what I wanted!

He chuckled.

“I’m going to fuck you hard and raw, love,” muli n’yang sinabi ang pinupunto n’ya kanina.

“Then do it,” I almost groaned in frustration. “Do it now, Killian.”

His smirk widened.

“Turn around then.”

Noong una ay nagtataka pa ako but I did what he said. I turned around from him, facing the tiled wall.

I heard him take a deep breath. Pagkatapos ay naramdaman ko ang mga kamay n’yang humahaplos sa bewang ko. I bit my lower lip from moaning with just that.

Shit… Ganoon na ba talaga kalakas ang epekto n’ya sa ’kin?

“Hands on the wall,” he ordered. Walang salitang itinukod ko ang mga kamay sa tiled wall. “Spread your legs open.”

I did.

“Wider,” utos n’yang halata ang pagtitimpi.

Inihakbang ko ang isang paa pagilid para mas lalong maghiwalay ang mga binti ko. But it wasn’t enough for Killian. He pushed my legs aside, wanting me to spread then wider. Ginawa ko ang gusto n’ya.

I was just waiting for him to do something, listening to his moves. Nakita ko pa ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko habang nag-aabang sa susunod n’yang gagawin. I didn’t want to look behind. I liked the feeling of being excited and waiting for what he was going to do next.

So, when I heard him unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants, I gasped slowly. I took a deep breath. Mas lalo pa yatang nanginig ang mga kamay ko. Kasabay ng bahagyang panginginig ng mga tuhod ko.

I heard the clang of his belt as his pants fell on the floor. Killian liked torturing me, I already knew that. Kaya naman alam kong binabagalan n’ya rin ang pagkilos n’ya. At parang sinasadya n’ya ring iparinig sa ’kin ang bawat ginagawa n’ya.

I gritted my teeth and waited. Malapit na ring maputol ang pagtitimpi ko. It was really frustrating. I suddenly wondered how Killian could stop himself when I knew what he really wanted to do. S’ya pa naman ’yung taong mukhang wala sa dictionary ang pagtitimpi.

He has a short temper. He’s manipulating everything just to get what he wants. He didn’t want to wait. But I guess he really wanted to torture me, to punish me, kaya ganito na lang ang pagpipigil n’ya ngayon.

Napaigtad ako nang may maramdaman sa ibaba ko. I moaned with the sensation before I realized that Killian was rubbing his length against my entrance. He made sure that I would feel the coldness of those stainless piercings that he had on his frenum. My lips parted as I tried to take a breath. Sobrang pag-iinit na kasi agad ang nararamdaman ko kahit ganoon pa lang ang ginagawa n’ya.

He was rubbing his cock on my core up and down. Paulit-ulit na halos ikabaliw ko na. Idagdag pa ang malamig na sensayon ng piercing n’ya roon. It wasn’t enough. I wanted him to do more. My hips were lifting involuntarily when he was hitting my opening with the tip but he just continued what he was doing, punishing me more.

“Killian,” I moaned his name. Halata ang frustration ko roon.

I heard him smirk. Naramdaman ko ang pagdikit ng dibdib n’ya sa likod ko nang halikan n’ya ang mga balikat ko.

“Let me hear your voice as I fuck this sweet tight little pussy, love.” He grazed the tip on my opening again at malakas akong napaungol. “I want you to scream my name as I fuck you hard.”

And without any warning, he entered me fully. Hard. Without showing me any mercy.

Hindi yata ako nakahinga. Tumigil rin yata ang pagtibok ng puso ko dahil sa ginawa n’ya. For a moment, I was blinded. I even heard ringing in my ears. Ilang sandali akong hindi nakagalaw. And when the feeling subsided, pasigaw ang naging pag-ungol ko.

“Oh, God!” I gasped for air when he pulled out and entered me roughly again. “Killian!”

Halos mawalan ng lakas ang mga braso kong nakatukod sa dingding dahil sa rahas ng paggalaw n’ya. Killian really did what he promised. He was moving behind me, hard and fast. Rough and violent. Balls deep. As if he wanted to impaled me with his cock.

He was moving as if he didn’t care about me. He was only thinking of himself based on how brutal his every thrust was. He was like a wild animal in heat.

Mahigpit ang pagkakakapit n’ya sa balakang ko. Bumabaon sa balat ko ang bawat daliri n’ya. Ang sakit ng paghawak n’ya ay tumatagos hanggang buto.

All I could do was moan loudly. My voice was echoing through the corners of the bathroom. I couldn’t move. Ni hindi ko man lang masalubong ang galaw n’ya.

He was pounding behind me relentlessly. My breasts were bouncing with his every move. Nang hindi ko na kinaya ay tumiklop ang mga siko dahil nawalan na rin iyon ng lakas sa rahas ng paggalaw ni Killian. I leaned the side of my face on the tiled wall instead, together with my hands, arching my back for him.

Pero mukhang hindi iyon nagustuhan ni Killian. Hindi n’ya nagustuhan ang pagkakalayo ng mga katawan namin. His one hand grabbed the hair on the back of my head and pulled me with so much force, closer to his body. The pain in my scalp made me whimper. Dumikit ang likod ko sa basang dibdib ni Killian.

“Push your ass back towards me,” he said with gritted teeth. “I want to feel all of you.”

I did.

Ang isang braso n’ya ay pumalibot sa bewang ko para mas idikit pa ang katawan ko sa kanya. He didn’t want to leave any space between us. While the one that was just grabbing my hair went down my neck. His fingers wrapped around my neck, pressing the sides to give me a more mind-wrecking sensation.

Then he pounded hard on me again.

“Oh, my—” I gritted my teeth. “Fuck!”

Napahawak na lang ako sa mga braso n’ya. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay babagsak ako anumang oras kung hindi ako kukuha ng suporta sa kanya. I like want he was doing to me but our position was so hard for me. Nakakapanghina ng tuhod ang ginagawa n’ya. Hindi ko kayang tumayo habang patuloy s’ya sa paggalaw sa likod ko.

Ramdam ko ang gigil n’ya sa bawat pagbaon n’ya. He was grunting in frustration when it seemed like he wasn’t getting what he wanted so he thrust his hips even more. Mas nagiging marahas ang paggalaw n’ya dahil doon. Napapatingkayad ako at bumabaon ang kuko ko sa balat n’ya sa sobrang pagkabaliw ng ginagawa n’ya sa ’kin.

Holy shit… This was too much!

He reached for my breast and molded it with his hand. He played with my nipple, pinching it between his fingers and the pain made me moan.

“Fuck,” I heard him whisper. “I can’t get enough of you.”

Napasinghap ako nang kagatin n’ya nang bahagya ang tenga ko. Something was building inside of me. My walls clenched around his length and Killian felt that. A grunt escaped from his throat and I knew that he was near too.

“Come with me, Irina.”

Mukhang iyon lang ang hinihintay ko. My orgasm exploded as I reached my peak. Ramdam ko ang panandaliang pagkabingi dahil sa nakakabaliw na sensasyon. I was blinded for a while and all I could think of was Killian’s cock getting bigger inside me.

He prolonged my orgasm by playing with my clit. Naisigaw ko ang pangalan n’ya dahil doon at mas lumala ang panginginig ko. I almost cried. I was still sensitive. Ni hindi pa nga ako nakakababa pero heto s’ya at may ginagawa na naman sa ’kin.

I was trembling so much. When the feeling subsided, halos bumagsak na ako sa sahig. Sinalo ni Killian ang katawan ko by wrapping an arm around my waist.

He made a few hard thrusts inside me before he grunted. He pulled out and shot his loads in my hips. Ramdam ko ang hingal n’ya pagkatapos.

I tried to look at him by turning my head to the side. He looked so hot as he tried to catch his breath. I didn’t know what came into me but I reached for my hips, coating my fingers with his loads before shoving it inside my mouth, tasting him.

“Fuck!” Killian growled. Using the hand that was on my neck, he guided my head to look at him so he could kiss me.

Marahas ang naging paghalik n’ya sa ’kin. Napakapit ako sa batok n’ya para sabayan ang galaw ng mga labi n’ya.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he said between our kiss. Ramdam ko ang gigil sa bawat salita n’ya.

Pareho kaming hinihingal nang matapos ang halik. Nanginginig pa rin ang mga tuhod ko pero nakaalalay si Killian sa ’kin. I was thankful for him because of that. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay babagsak ako sa sahig kapag binitiwan n’ya ako.

He was still holding me when he continued washing me. Nakasunod lang ako sa kanya hanggang sa banlawan n’ya ang katawan ko. When he thought that I could finally stand up alone, he gently laid me on the tiled wall before he started washing himself.

I was just silently watching him as he washed himself in front of me. Hinang-hina ang pakiramdam ko. Masyadong naging marahas si Killian. It was as if he made me feel how he really wanted me. Parang bumawi s’ya sa mga taong hindi man lang n’ya ako nahawakan at nakasunod lang sa ’kin, pinanonood ako. I could feel that part between my legs throbbing. At kahit hindi ko nakikita ’yon, alam kong namumula ang parteng ’yon.

It was him who dried my body. Pinunasan n’ya ako bago sinuotan ng bathrobe. While he just covered his waist down with a towel before he carried me in his arms. Kumapit lang ako sa kanya nang maglakad s’ya papunta sa walk-in closet n’ya.

He laid me down on the leather bench that was in the middle of his walk-in closet. Umupo ako roon habang kumukuha s’ya ng damit naming dalawa. I looked around and my eyes stopped on that part of the racks where I could only see black three-piece suits. Napakarami ng mga ’yon. It almost dominated his closet.

I blinked. I had this thought that he wasn’t wearing those suits like how businessmen wear them for companies.

“You’re a mafia,” I said.

Nilingon ko s’ya at hindi man lang s’ya tumigil sa ginagawa n’ya. As if what I said didn’t bother him. Inabot pa nga n’ya sa ’kin ang isang white long-sleeved polo. Sa haba noon ay aabot yata ’yon hanggang sa gitna ng mga hita ko. I casually took it from him.

“That’s why you’re so good at fighting,” I continued. “You look like you really know how to handle a knife. And… you know how to torture someone.”

He looked at me. He took a deep breath before he walked in front of me. Ang tanging suot pa rin n’ya ay ang twalyang nakatakip pababa sa bewang n’ya.

“Yes,” hindi man lang kumukurap na sabi n’ya. “I know how to use guns as well.”

Napalunok ako.

Guns… Ibig sabihin, marami. Baka nga lahat ng klase ng baril ay alam n’yang gamitin.

Alam ko na naman ang tungkol sa pagiging mafia n’ya. I was just waiting for his confirmation.

Kaya pala ganoon ang paraan ng pag-iisip n’ya. As if violence is inevitable and he saw and knew every dark side in this world.

“I’ll assume Serj is too,” I said. “He’s your brother.”

Tumango s’ya.

“He’s my boss.”

“You named him Pakhan on your phone.”

“He’s the head of the mafia. That’s why he’s my boss.”

“And your brother.”

He took a deep breath. Umupo s’ya sa tabi ko. Binuhat n’ya ako at iniupo sa mga hita n’ya. I was straddling his waist.

“I’m adopted,” he said. “Serj is not my brother by blood.”

I blinked. I was surprised by what he said. Sinabi pa nga n’ya ’yon na parang wala lang sa kanya.

“What?” bulong ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sasabihin ko.

He looked me in the eye.

“I’m not a real Romanov.”

I’m not a real Morozova.

I trembled. Hindi ko alam. Bigla akong kinabahan. Natakot akong baka alam ni Killian ang tungkol doon. And it was so… frightening how are we so alike.

Hinaplos ni Killian ang mga braso ko. Parang pinapakalma ako.

“Serj’s father adopted me when he found me on the streets. He wanted me to look after his son.”

“So, you knew they’re a family of mafia from the start?”

He nodded.

“Yes.”

Napakunot ang noo ko.

“Yet you still agreed to let him adopt you?”

He nodded again. I was so confused at how casually he was talking something like this to me.

Samantalang ako, takot na takot na malaman ng iba ang tungkol sa ’kin.

“I wanted it, Irina. I wouldn’t have a hard time finding their darkness. I fit in their world. There’s nothing but darkness in me.”

There was nothing in his eyes. Parang wala lang talaga ang pagkakasabi n’ya. As if it didn’t bother him.

But for some reason, his words hurt me.

I caressed his face. I stared at his deep green eyes.

“That’s not true… There’s a beauty in you too, Killian. I know that and I can feel that. You just don’t let anyone see it.”

Ilang sandali lang s’yang nakatitig sa ’kin. Para bang pilit n’yang iniintindi ang sinabi ko. And then, I saw the corner of his lips rise.

“We’re so opposite,” he said. “I want to see darkness in every beauty. While you want to see beauty in ugliness, no matter how dark it is.”

I smiled at him.

“Only to you, I guess…”

He chuckled. He nuzzled my neck. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako.

“Ah… This is why I really want you so fucking bad. I won’t let anyone have you.”

He held my waist. Napasinghap na lang ako nang idiin n’ya ako sa kandungan n’ya. I could feel how hard he was again.

“Goodness…” I mumbled.

He looked at me.

“You’re mine now, right?” His jaw clenched. Parang ikinagalit kung hindi oo ang isasagot ko. “Fucking tell me you’re mine, Irina.”

I smiled. Pero pinigilan ko rin ang ngiti ko nang makita kung gaano kaseryoso ang mga mata n’ya.

“Yes… I’m yours, Killian.”

His smirk was ruthless. Natutuwang napasunod n’ya na naman ako. But I didn’t mind no matter how many times I would fall into his trap.

“Like a fucking good girl,” he whispered before he claimed my lips.

His kiss was harsh but I accepted that. I accepted all of him as I kissed him back. Walang pagsisisi sa loob kong magpaangkin sa lalaking ’to.

I love him anyway.

I let go of his long-sleeve shirt I was still holding. Based on how fierce his kisses were, mukhang hindi ko na muna kailangan ’yon dahil hindi lang halik ang gusto n’yang mangyari.

Goodness… there’s really no way to resist him.

Chapter 33

Everything changed after that.

Palagi kaming magkasama ni Killian. We were always together every moment of our free time. Ah, no. It wasn’t we. Ako lang pala. Apparently, Killian still seemed like he had all the time in the world. Kaya kapag may libreng oras ako, ginugugol naming ni Killian iyon nang magkasama.

Killian was still always around, watching me. Kaya araw-araw ko pa rin s’yang nakikita. Nawawala lang s’ya kapag may iniuutos sa kanya ang “boss” n’ya, to which I already know that it was Serj. Pero kapag natapos na naman n’yang gawin ang bagay na ’yon ay pinupuntahan n’ya agad ako. It was like he didn’t want to waste any second away from me.

And since then, it was as if something inside me snapped. Iyong bagay na pinipigilan ko noon, parang biglang kumawala lahat. Dahil simula rin no’n, parang ayaw ko nang humiwalay kay Killian. I always wanted to be with him. Palagi ko s’yang hinahanap. Ayoko s’yang mawala sa paningin ko. There were times when he wasn’t around and when I was about to call him to ask where he was, I saw that I had already received a text from him. May kailangan daw s’yang gawin na utos ni Serj. I figured it was about a mafia thing.

That was one thing I liked about him. Parang alam na alam n’ya kung ano’ng kailangan ko. I didn’t have to tell him about it kasi mas nauuna na n’yang ibigay. He wasn’t even giving me any reason to worry or overthink because he’s already giving me the assurance.

I suddenly wondered if that was how it really was… When a guy you like, or love rather, loves you back. It was very… fulfilling. I feel so complete. Naging masaya ako nang mapagdesisyunang ’wag nang pigilan ang nararamdaman ko para kay Killian. Itinaya ko ang puso ko at ngayon ay wala akong pinagsisisihan.

I mean, I only had a few more weeks before our graduation and a few more days before the required hours for my internship would finally be complete. Kung noon ay iniiwasan ko si Killian dahil takot ako sa distraction na ibibigay n’ya sa ’kin, but now… I don’t think I should worry about that anymore.

Kaya nga rin siguro naging kampante na ako at hinayaan na lang ang sarili kong palaging makasama si Killian. Because I feel like my heart would burst any moment kapag hindi ko pa pinagbigyan ang sarili ko.

But I felt really bad lying to my parents whenever I spent the night with Killian. Hindi ko kasi masabi sa kanila ang tungkol sa ’min. I felt my mom would oppose our relationship, especially since I haven’t graduated yet.

What more if she finds out about Killian being in the mafia?

Kaya ang sinasabi ko na lang, busy ako sa internship so I need to work in the shop overnight. Na hindi na rin naman ipinagtaka ni Mommy dahil alam n’yang patapos na ako sa internship kaya mas naging mabigat ang requirements ko.

I don’t think I disobeyed my parents this much. Ngayon lang. I wasn’t rebelling though. It’s just that… I like being with Killian. He made me feel things… I feel free whenever I’m with him. Nagagawa ko ang mga gusto kapag kasama ko s’ya.

And I feel inspired by his presence. Kaya nga ngayon, hindi matigil sa pagguhit ang mga kamay ko. My mind was raining with ideas. Tatlong designs na nga ang naguguhit ko.

“What do you think?” I asked Killian after I had finished sketching my third design. But when I saw him busy reading some papers, I immediately regretted asking for his opinion.

It was already late but we were still here inside at his home office in his penthouse. Nakisiksik ako roon. He even bought me a work table and I was on the other side of the room. Pinagpilitan ko pang doon ako pumwesto kahit na ang gusto ni Killian ay sa tabi n’ya ako. I don’t think I could concentrate if he was that near me. Iyon ngang amoy na amoy ko ang panlalaking pabango n’ya sa buong office n’ya, hirap na ako sa pagko-concentrate.

Originally, he offered me a whole floor in that building as my workshop. He was even willing to buy me everything I would need like fabrics and sewing machines. Pero ako na ang tumanggi. I was flattered though. Nobody was willing to do that much for me. S’ya pa lang.

That’s why I was falling for him even harder as time passed by.

But from reading those files that looked really important, he put them down and stood up. Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko at umiling sa kanya. I was even shaking my hands vigorously, motioning him to stop.

“No, it’s okay!” I said. “I can show it to you later. You look so busy.”

But Killian just chuckled and walked toward me. The light shone on his eyeglasses making them sparkle for a moment. I just stared at him until he stood beside me. Ang isa n’yang kamay ay humawak sa sandalan ng inuupuan ko. He crouched down a bit.

“It’s nothing,” he said. “Let me see.”

Wala sa sariling ibinigay ko sa kanya ang sketch pad ko habang bahagya akong nakatingala para titigan s’ya. His side profile still looked so handsome. Ang gwapo-gwapo n’ya talaga. Nakakainis. Parang ang sarap itago na lang dahil ayokong makita s’ya ng ibang babae. They would definitely fall in love with him.

I just want him for myself.

Ah… Maybe this is how he felt too when he told me that he would kill if I had any other man beside him. Kasi hindi ko rin nagugustuhan ang isiping magkakaroon s’ya ng ibang babae bukod sa ’kin.

“It’s brilliant,” sabi ni Killian matapos pakatitigan ang gawa ko. Nilingon n’ya ako. “You have talented hands, love.”

Napangiti ako kasabay ng pamumula ng mukha ko. ’Yung reaction ko, parang first time kong makatanggap ng papuri.

“Thank you…” I said softly, still embarrassed by his praise.

“We’re the same, right? I do have talented hands too.”

“What? You can draw as well?” Hindi ko alam ’yun, ah?

Or maybe he can play an instrument?

Killian stared at me for a while before he gave me a playful smirk. May lalo s’yang yumuko hanggang sa tumapat ang bibig n’ya sa tenga ko.

“No, love. You know very well what these hands can do,” he whispered. His breath that was fanning my ear made me feel ticklish. “These hands can make you feel good and scream while I play with your tight pussy.”

I gasped so loud when he lightly bit my ear. Agad akong napalayo sa kanya at napahawak sa tenga kong kinagat n’ya.

“Killian!” I was so damn sure that my face was so red right now!

But the brute just chuckled! Mukhang tuwang-tuwa pa sa naging reaksyon ko!

This was one of the things I noticed about him when we got to spend more time together. I guess he became comfortable around me too. I realized that he wasn’t really that… terrifying. He was still intimidating though he could also be playful at times. As if he was really having fun seeing different reactions from me.

And oh, boy… The man really knew how to dirty talk! Mukhang walang katapusan ang baon n’ya. Because every damn time he had the chance, he whispered to me things that could make me blush so hard. And then he would stare at me with a satisfied smirk on his lips.

“Just go back to your work,” nakasimangot na sabi ko bago umayos ng upo.

I took my phone that was on the table and opened the camera app. I took a few shots of my designs and sent them to my grandma. Napangiti ako nang makita ang tatlong tuldok, knowing that she was typing a message. Maaga talagang nagigising si Lola.

Ilang sandali bago ko nakita ang reply n’ya. I knew it took her a while before she could type a message to me. Malabo na rin kasi ang mga mata n’ya at hindi sanay gumamit ng mga gadget. Kaya mas gusto ni Lola ang tawag kaysa sa text or chat. Pero hindi ko naman magawa ’yon lalo na kapag nasa bahay ako. Mom didn’t want me to communicate with her.

Lola:

Ang galing talaga ng apo ko.

I smiled. I felt warm inside. Simula nang palagi akong tumatambay sa penthouse ni Killian, madalas na rin ang pagcha-chat ko kay Lola. It was one of the reasons why I love spending time here. Hindi ko kailangang itago ang pakikipag-usap ko kay Lola.

I was about to type a reply to her when Killian held my wrist. Napatingala ako sa kanya. I knew he could see my chat conversation with my grandmother.

“Won’t it be easier for her if you call her?” he asked.

Agad ang pagtanggi sa kalooban ko. In my mind, it was already set that it would be a sin if I called my grandmother without any occasion. Madalas ay kapag birthday ko lang o birthday n’ya nakakausap ko si Lola. I couldn’t even call her on Grandparents’ Day. Kasi alam ko, magagalit si Mommy. Hindi n’ya magugustuhan. Masasaktan ko na naman s’ya.

I looked down at my phone again.

“I can’t.”

“Why?” I could hear the confusion in his voice.

“Mom won’t like it,” I said.

Killian didn’t say anything. Nanatlii lang akong nakatitig sa phone ko.

God knows how much I wanted to call my grandmother. Alam kong nahihirapan si Lola sa pakikipag-chat sa ’kin. Kung minsan nga ay naiisip kong ’wag na lang s’yang padalhan ng chat or text para hindi s’ya mahirapan. But I really want to talk to her.

I wanted to hear her voice. Always. Hindi lang kapag birthday n’ya. O kapag birthday ko. I wanted to hear her soft voice again. Ang boses na kinalakihan ko. I wanted to be with her.

Pero masasaktan si Mommy…

“But your mother is not here.”

Mabilis akong napaangat ulit ng tingin kay Killian. There wasn’t any emotion on his face. As if he just said the most logical solution to my problem. Na hindi ko naman talaga dapat gawing malaking problema iyon.

His deep green eyes, even though he was wearing an eyeglass, still bore into me. Ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang bigat ng titig n’ya. Hindi man lang nabawasan.

“Call her, Irina. You can do whatever you want when you’re with me.”

Napalunok ako. Pakiramdam ko, malapit na akong maiyak. I was torn. I really want to hear my Lola’s voice but I didn’t want to disobey my Mom any more than this.

Paano kung malaman ’to ni Mommy? Magagalit s’ya. Kahit si Daddy. I would feel alone again. Mararamdaman ko na namang hindi ako kasali sa pamilya nila.

And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to feel so lonely again.

From my wrist, Killian’s hand went up until he intertwined our fingers. Ang kamay n’yang nasa sandalan ng upuan ko ay umangat papuntang buhok ko. He played with my hair. Napapapikit ako sa kiliting nararamdaman.

“You don’t have to worry about anything when you’re with me, Irina. You know I’ll do everything for you, right?”

Is he telling me that my mother wouldn’t know about this?

Hindi ko alam kung paano n’ya gagawin ’yon. But I immediately believed him.

“I can really call her?” parang bata kong tanong sa kanya.

“Of course… You can do anything. Except for staying away from me again.”

Bahagyang dumilim ang mga mata n’ya kasabay ng paghigpit ng pagkakakapit n’ya sa buhok ko. I winced in pain but Killian immediately loosened his hold and played with my hair again.

“You won’t do that again, right?” paninigurado n’ya. Something was frightening in the tone of his voice kaya mabilis akong napatango.

“I won’t. I swear I won’t run away from you again.”

He stared at me a bit before he gave me a smirk so sinister that he looked so terrifying. Pero nawala iyon nang haplusin n’ya ang pisngi ko.

“Call your grandmother,” he said. “I’ll get back on my work.”

Bumalik na si Killian sa pwesto n’ya. He started to read the files again kaya binalingan ko na ang pinoproblema ko.

Should I call my grandmother? I mean, it had been so long since we last talked. Noong birthday n’ya pa na ilang buwan na ang nakalilipas. Mas lalo ko lang s’yang na-miss nang makausap ko ulit s’ya.

I stared at my phone. I knew my grandmother was waiting for my reply. Sigurado akong magugulat s’ya kung bigla akong tatawag. She also knew that I could only call during special occasions.

But… wala naman dito si Mommy. And Killian said that I could call my grandma. I knew he wouldn’t tell mom about this.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko na binalingan ang laptop. I opened the video call app. Hinanap ko si Lola sa contacts at napatigil nang makita iyon.

Just one click and I could see her face again…

I looked at Killian. He was staring at me. Hinihintay ang gagawin ko.

With Killian, I can be free… I can do whatever I want.

I already lied to my mom. Maybe… Maybe I could get away from this again.

I took a deep breath before I looked at my laptop. Pikit-mata kong pinindot ang call button doon. Mas lalo akong napapikit nang marinig na tumutunog ang kabilang linya. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would even burst out of my chest any minute.

“Irina? Apo?”

My lips trembled. Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko at bumungad sa ’kin ang mukha ni Lola sa screen ng laptop. I knew she was on the veranda, sitting on the rattan chair. The light from the sun rising illuminated her face.

I smiled widely. Nanginginig pa rin ang mga labi ko sa pagpipigil ng emosyon.

“Hi, Granda…” my voice croaked.

Nakita ko ang pangingilid ng luha sa mga mata ni Lola. Nananakit ang ulo ko sa pagpipigil na maiyak.

“Mas lalong gumanda ang apo ko…” she said.

I chuckled. I took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions.

“You, too, Grandma. You look so much younger. What’s your secret?”

I heard her laugh. Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko.

“Ako nga’y ’wag mong binobolang bata ka.” She then looked worried. “Ano’t napatawag ka? May nangyari ba?”

“No. I just wanted to call you. I miss you so much.”

“Na-miss din kita, apo… Pero hindi ka ba pagagalitan ng nanay mo n’yan? Alam mo namang ayaw na ayaw ng ina mong nagkakausap tayo.”

Napalunok ako.

“I’m not at home,” I said honestly. Hinding-hindi ko magagawang magsinungaling kay Lola.

“Aba’y ano’ng oras na, ah? Pinayagan ka ni Catherine?”

Tumango ako. Hindi na sinabi pa kung ano’ng totong paalam ko kay Mommy.

“Don’t worry, Grandma. I’m safe. I’m actually at…” I trailed off.

Napatingin ako kay Killian. Nakatingin din pala s’ya sa ’kin. Nakataas ang isang kilay n’ya. There was a glint in his eyes, challenging me to deny him where he could hear me.

I cleared my throat and looked at my grandmother.

“I’m at my boyfriend’s house.”

Nakita ko kung gaano nagulat si Lola sa sinabi ko. Natawa na lang ako sa naging reaksyon n’ya.

“May nobyo ka na? Bakit hindi mo nababanggit sa ’kin ’yan?”

“I couldn’t! Mom won’t let me talk to you.”

“Oo nga pala.” Napatango-tango pa si Lola pero napakunot-noo rin. “Sino ba ’yang nobyo mo, apo? Matinong lalaki ba ’yan? Baka mamaya’y saktan ka n’yan. Kukurutin ko kamo s’ya nang pinong-pino kapag sinaktan ka n’ya!”

I bit my lower lip and glanced at Killian. Bumalik na s’ya sa pagbabasa ng mga papeles.

It was a good thing he couldn’t understand what my grandmother was saying. Baka mahimatay ako sa hiya.

Ah… Maybe… Maybe I should speak the language too?

Mom is not here…

“Hi—” I cleared my throat. “Hindi po. He’s… I mean. Mabuting… lalaki po s’ya.”

Natigilan si Lola. Mukhang nagulat sa pagsasalita ko ng Tagalog. I even saw how her eyes turned misty. Mukhang natutuwang hindi ko pa rin nakakalimutan kung paano magsalita ng lenggwaheng kinalakihan ko.

“Siguraduhin mo lang, apo, ha? Dadalawin kamo s’ya ng Lolo mo ’pag nagkataon.”

Muli akong natawa.

“Sigurado po.”

I mean for others; Killian might be a monster. But for me, he was a good man. My savior. He was someone who was always supporting me, who was always beside me. He is the man I fell in love with.

“Wala ka namang nababanggit sa aking lalaki kapag nagkakausap tayo. Kailan mo ba nakilala ang lalaking ’yan?”

“Meron, ’La. Nakita n’yo na rin po.”

She frowned.

“Talaga nga ba?”

“Opo… ’Yung naging modelo po namin. Pinadalhan ko pa po kayo ng picture n’ya.”

Saglit na nag-isip pa si Lola. Mukhang inaalala pa ’yon. Pagkatapos ay nanlaki ang mga mata n’ya.

“Aba’y ’yung gwapong binatang ’yon? Iyon ang nobyo mo?”

I giggled.

“Opo… Ang gwapo n’ya po, ’no?”

I looked at Killian. His eyes were on the papers, still reading the files. But I think I saw a ghost smile on his lips.

Ano ’yon? May nakakatawa kaya sa binabasa n’ya?

“Kagwapo nga! Bagay na bagay kayo dahil maganda ka rin, apo.”

Ngiting-ngiti ako. Nangangalay na nga ang mga labi ko dahil sa lawak ng ngiti ko.

“Thank you, ’La.” Nabawasan ang ngiti ko. “Gusto kong maipakilala s’ya sa inyo nang personal.”

Lola smiled at me. Nakita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata n’ya na pilit n’yang itinatago.

“Hindi ako naghahangad ng sobra, apo. Sapat na sa ’kin ang makausap ka nang ganito.”

I bit my lower lip. Sa akin kasi, hindi sapat. Gusto ko talagang mayakap si Lola. Gusto kong makatabi ulit s’ya sa pagtulog gaya noong bata pa lang ako. Gusto kong matikman ulit ang mga luto n’ya. Gusto kong maranasan ulit ang pag-aalaga n’ya.

“I love you so much, ’La…”

Her eyes told me what she wanted to say before she even spoke.

“Mahal na mahal din kita, apo. Mag-iingat kayo palagi d’yan.”

Ilang sandali pa kaming nag-usap ni Lola bago pinutol ang tawag. Ilang saglit ko muna kinalma ang sarili ko. Mas lalo ko kasi naramdaman ang lungkot, ang awa para sa kanya. She was alone in the Philippines. Pero kahit kailan, hindi n’ya hiniling na umuwi kami roon. O hindi kaya ang pumunta rin dito sa Russia para makasama kami.

Sapat na sa kanya ang sitwasyon namin. She was even thankful for it. Because she knew, mom could totally cut our communication. Pero hinahayaan pa rin kami ni Mommy na magkausap kahit bilang na bilang iyon sa loob ng isang taon.

I took a deep breath. I wish I could do something about our situation.

“Are you okay?”

Napatingala ako kay Killian. Hindi ko man lang namalayan na nakatayo na pala s’ya sa tabi ko. Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ang paglalaro n’ya sa buhok ko.

“Yes.” I looked at him in the eye. “Thank you for this, Killian. You didn’t know how this made me happy.”

He crouched down. Pinagdikit n’ya ang mga noo namin.

“I told you. I’d do anything for you. Anything, love…” he whispered before he claimed my lips.

Chapter 34

I graduated with high honors. I wasn’t even expecting any awards. I wasn’t aiming to have one either. My exam scores were average. I wasn’t like my classmates na puspusan ang pagre-review kapag magkakaroon kami ng exam noon. I was focused more on the hands-on instead of memorization. Mas ayoko kasing magkamali sa paggawa. I even wanted my creations to be perfect.

I think doon bumawi ang grades ko. I always received high scores with our hands-on assessment. Hindi man perfect pero iilan lang ang nagiging deductions sa ’kin. Kahit noong fashion show namin ay kami ni Annika ang nakakuha ng pinakamataas na score. I guess we got great help from our deadly attractive model. Killian looked so good with our every design back then.

And lastly, I got a high score on my evaluation during my internship.

My mom said that I should just enjoy my studies. That I shouldn’t feel pressured and just enjoy the new knowledge I would learn. That I should focus more on how I would apply those new learnings in reality once I finish my studies. Kaya naman iyon ang mas pinagtuunan ko ng pansin kaysa sa pagpapataas ng mg exam scores ko. It still gave me good results.

My parents were so proud of me. Kitang-kita ko ang laki ng ngiti ni mommy sa buong duration ng graduation ceremony namin. Lalo na nang kasabay ko s’yang umakyat sa stage para sabihan akong medal. I saw how her eyes sparkle with pride. In that moment, I felt like I already have everything.

“Congratulations, doschka …” dad said as he handed me the small bouquet he was holding when the ceremony ended. Nasa likuran sila nakaupo ni Yulia kanina. Si mommy lang ang malapit na nakaupo sa ’kin dahil nga s’ya ang kasama kong umakyat ng stage.

“Thank you, dad,” I said as I received the flowers. Si Yulia ay yumakap na rin sa ’kin na may malaking ngiti rin sa mga labi.

“Congratulations, Irina! I’m so proud of my big sis!”

I smiled at her.

“Thanks, Yulia…”

“I’m gonna tell everyone that it was you who made my debut gown once you became a famous designer. I’m sure my friends will be envious of me.”

I faked a gasped. Kunwari pang nanlalaki ang mga mata ko.

“Oh, no. Thank you for reminding me. I’ve actually forgotten that I promised you I would make your gown on your eighteenth birthday.”

Of course, it was just a lie. Her birthday was just around the corner. At malapit ko na ring matapos gawin ang debut gown n’ya. Pero hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanya ang tungkol doon. Hindi rin naman s’ya nagtatanong pero alam kong sobrang excited na s’ya sa ginagawa kong gown para sa kanya. Palagay ko’y nahihiya lang s’yang magtanong sa ’kin. I knew she was being considerate and just didn’t want to pressure me by asking about it.

Yulia frowned. Kitang-kita ko ang disappointment sa mukha n’ya. She looked like she was about to cry but just holding it in. Parang maraming gustong sabihin sa ’kin but she just pursed her trembling lips.

Nakonsensya naman agada ko. Ang saya-saya n’ya pa naman kanina nu’ng binati ako. Kaya naman mabilis akong ngumiti sa kanya at inakbayan s’ya.

“I’m sorry I was just kidding,” mabilis kong sabi. “I’m about to finish your gown soon.”

“Really?” I nodded and she squealed. “Oh, my God! I’m so excited! Thank you so much, Irina!”

When Yulia hugged me again, I saw my parents smiling gently at us with pride in their eyes. My heart felt so full. It was as if I’d received the greatest gift ever. At that moment, I felt like I finally belonged to the family. Na nakagawa ako ng isang bagay para mapatunayang tunay nga akong Morozova. That nobody would ever question anymore if I’m a real Morozova or not.

Because I finally did a great thing. I have finally proven that I got Morozova’s blood. The family with so many achievements. The family that is so talented, and smart, and beautiful. Iyong pamilya na walang maipipintas ang kahit na sino.

This was such a nice feeling. I’ve longed for this. And I hope that this feeling will last longer. Sana hindi agad bawiin ’to sa ’kin.

“Irina.”

Napangiti ako nang makita si Annika.

“Hey…”

“Let’s take a picture with everyone.” She didn’t even wait for my answer and looked at my parents. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Morozova! Can I borrow Irina for a bit? We just want to take a picture as a remembrance with our classmates.”

“Oh, sure.” Tumingin sa ’kin si mommy at kinuha ang bulaklak na hawak ko. “We’ll wait for you in the car.”

I wasn’t able to say anything to them when Annika pulled me away. Nataw ana lang ako kahit na nawi-weird-uhan sa kinikilos n’ya. Her enthusiasm was so unnecessary dahil bago pa man magsimula ang graduation ceremony namin kanina ay marami na rin naman s’yang nakuhang pictures kasama ang mga kaklase namin.

Kaya nang lumagpas kami kung saan nagtutumpukan ang mga kaklase namin ay hindi na rin ako nagulat.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“There’s someone who wants to congratulate you. I told him not to let anyone see him because I knew they would swarm him. Since you know, this might be their last chance to see him.”

Him… Doon pa lang, alam ko na agad kung sino ang tinutuloy ni Annika. My heart automatically beat so fast as if it was excited for me to see him too. Kahit na palagi kaming nagkikita, kinakabahan pa rin talaga ako kapag tungkol sa kanya.

I didn’t know that he would come today although I already had a hunch. Ewan ko. Nandoon na talaga ’yung pakiramdam na ’yon kapag nasa paligid lang si Killian kahit hindi ko man s’ya nakikita. My whole body was reacting to him.

I felt his gaze even before I saw him. He was leaning on the side of his car, looking gorgeous in his three-piece business suit with a bouquet in his hand. Parang galing pa yata sa trabaho pero dumaan pa talaga rito para lang batiin ako nang personal.

My smile was so wide as I approached him. He stood straight and I saw him smile as he watched me walk towards him.

“You’re here!” malaki pa rin ang ngiting sabi ko nang makalapit na sa kanya. “I didn’t know you would come!”

“I wouldn’t miss this for anything,” sabi n’yang titig na titig sa ’kin. “Congratulations love.”

I heard Annika squeal but we both ignored her. Tinanggap ko ang bigay na bulaklak ni Killian.

“Thank you…”

I so wanted to kiss him. Kanina pa pagkakita ko pa lang sa kanya. And I knew, I saw it in his eyes that he wanted the same too but he was just stopping himself and I was thankful for that. Alam ko kasing hindi lang simpleng halik ang ibibigay n’ya. He was always too much. Always so intense. Marami pa namang tao sa venue ngayon.

Besides, I don’t think a simple kiss would be enough for me too. I wanted what he would give. I wanted him to kiss me his way. The one where it felt like he wanted more as he couldn’t get enough of me.

“Earth to Kill and Irina! I’m still here, you know?”

I laughed from embarrassment before I looked away at Killian. Goodness. Bakit ba ganito ang epekto sa ’kin ng lalaking ’to? Nakakalimutan ko ang lahat. I felt like a stupid person because all logic left me whenever I stared into his eyes. Those green orbs had the power to suck me into oblivion and forget about anything else but just him.

Tiningnan ko na lang si Annika sa tabi ko na may nang-aasar na ngiti sa ’kin. Napalabi na lang ako dahil huling-huli n’ya kung ano’ng nangyayari sa ’kin kapag nasa harapan ako ni Killian.

“You know we have our graduation party later, right?”

Napakunot-noo ako sa sobrang random ng tanong ni Annika.

“Of course…” I said.

“I just thought you would want to be with Kill instead.”

“What? Of course, I will go to our party.”

“I mean I wouldn’t question you if you want to celebrate with your boyfriend instead of with our block mates who you might see in ten years again—”

“Annika, I already said—”

“—at our reunion because if I were you and I had a boyfriend as hot as Kill, I would also want to celebrate with him all night in bed.”

“Jesus, Annika!” I exclaimed. Hiyang-hiya ako sa mga pinagsasabi n’ya! “I already said I will come!”

She raised an eyebrow at me.

“Come… Like to our party or in bed with Kill?”

“Holy shit!”

I heard Killian chuckle kaya mas lalo pang namula ang mukha ko. Si Annika naman ay tumawa rin and they both looked like they were enjoying seeing me so flustered. I almost forgot how vulgar Annika’s words were. Walang pakialam kahit naririnig ng tanong pinag-uusapan namin kung gaano karumi ang isip n’ya.

“I will go, alright?” I corrected myself. Baka kung ano pa’ng masabi ulit ng kaibigan ko. “I already told my mom about it and she allowed me to go.”

“I just want to make sure you’ll really go—”

“Oh, my God, stop!”

She giggled. Ayoko sanang mainis pero hindi ko mapigilan. Alam kong inaasar n’ya lang naman ako lalo pa at first boyfriend ko si Killian. That’s how friends are anyway. Nag-aasaran. That’s how she is. Kaso lang ang lakas n’ya kasing mang-asar. Okay lang din sana kung hindi naririnig ni Killian. I just hope she knew when she was crossing the line.

“I’d like that idea but I want Irina to enjoy her day,” Killian said as he put a hand on the small of my back. Halos hindi ko nga maramdaman iyon. But I was so aware of him. “It’s her graduation. It’s natural to celebrate this day with her classmates.”

I looked at him and smiled. I once thought that he always wanted things to go his way. Na gusto n’yang laging nasusunod ang gusto n’ya. Lalo na noong sinusundan-sundan n’ya ako at hindi tumigil hangga’t hindi ako sumusuko sa kanya.

But as time went time and the more I spent time together with him, I realized that he was also considerate. Ibinibigay n’ya rin kung ano’ng gusto ko. Kung ano’ng tingin n’yang makabubuti sa ’kin. And he was actually… caring.

Just like back when I was so busy making designs and with my requirements before my graduation. There were times when I was so engrossed with what I was doing that I almost forgotten about him kahit na nasa iisang kwarto lang kami sa loob ng office n’ya sa penthouse n’ya. He would always prepare food for me, reminding me to eat. Kaya kahit nawawala sa isip ko ang kumain sa sobrang dami ng ginagawa ko, hindi ako nalilipasan ng gutom dahil sa kanya.

And then there was one-time na nagpunta ako sa penthouse n’ya at wala pa s’ya. Nakapasok ako sa loob as he already gave me access to his place. He went home with blood on his hands and clothes. He wasn’t expecting me at that time and we were both surprised to see each other. I heard restrained in his voice when he told me to close my eyes, which I quickly did. Dumilat lang ako nang marinig ang pagsarado ng pinto sa kwarto n’ya.

We talked after he showered. He told me he didn’t want me to him like that. Full of someone’s blood. Nalito pa ako dahil mas malala pa nga ang nakita ko noon. I even saw him kill someone before his eyes.

But I realized… back then, he just wanted me to see what he would do for me. He wanted me to see how he would spill those people’s blood for me. Iyong taong may nagawang mali sa ’kin. Only those people and not from someone else.

It was confusing and contradicting but… I understand him.

That was the last time I saw him like that. After that, sinasabi n’ya sa ’kin kapag hindi ako dapat pumunta sa place n’ya. And I immediately understood he was doing mafia work.

“I just can’t believe it though,” sabi ni Annika. Pareho kami ni Killian na napatingin sa kanya. “You’re not into commitment, Kill. But then you’re suddenly in a relationship with my friend. What changed though?”

I looked at Killian. I wanted to hear his answer. Kung minsan kasi, naiisip kong hindi totoo ang alam. I mean this is Killian Romanov. Maraming babaeng nangangarap sa isang tulad n’ya.

“I saw her,” walang pag-aalinlangang sagot ni Killian.

I saw Annika frown. Hindi yata kontento sa sagot ni Killian.

“You saw her and that’s it?” she asked. Nakataas pa ang isang kilay. “What did you see in her anyway? Maybe you could see it in me too. Just so you know, Irina and me? We don’t have a lot of differences.”

May pagbibiro sa tono ni Annika at ikinatawa iyon ni Killian. But I didn’t like it. Ewan ko. Naiinis na naman ako. I knew Annika was just joking but I hated it. Especially I knew she liked Killian before.

Ah… Maybe I was becoming possessive of Killian too. I just want him for myself.

And it was as if Killian knew what I was feeling, his hand finally encircled my waist. Naramdaman ko pa ang marahang pagpisil n’ya sa bewang ko.

“I don’t want anyone else. I only want Irina,” I heard with certainty in his voice. “And just so you know, I will kill anyone who tries to take her away from me. That’s how badly I want her.”

Annika giggled. Akala yata ay nagbibiro si Killian. But I knew from the look in his eyes and from the smirk on his lips that he was serious. Ilang beses n’ya na ring sinabi ’yon sa ’kin.

I know I shouldn’t like what he said but I did. Lalo na sa pagkakataong ’to. It was as if he was proving to me that he wouldn’t really choose anyone else. Na ako lang talaga ang gusto n’ya. Na hindi n’ya makikita kay Annika ang kung anumang nakita n’ya sa ’kin, o kanino pa man.

Only to me.

“You’re so lucky, Irina…” Nakita ko pa ang inggit sa mga mata ni Annika but there was a genuine smile on her lips.

I smiled and looked at Killian. Halos malunod ako sa nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya. All those words that he wasn’t saying, I could see it in his eyes. Those promises, those emotions, those dangers, and those feelings… Kaya nga gustong-gusto kong tumitig sa mga mata n’ya. Because in them, I saw what I wanted to hear.

Goodness… I love him so much.

I was smiling so wide my jaw was hurting when I went back to my family. Dad drove us home. Hindi ko na binitiwan ang bouquet na bigay sa ’kin ni Killian. Napapangiti pa ako. I couldn’t contain my smile kaya tinawanan ako ni Yulia.

I was so happy that Killian went to our graduation ceremony. Hindi ko alam kung nanood s’ya. But knowing that he went today was so much for me. Lagi s’yang nag-e-effort para sa ’kin. He always made me happy. Now that I’ve accepted him, parang bumabawi s’ya at ipinapakita sa ’kin kung ano talaga ang kaya n’yang gawin para sa ’kin. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung paano makakabawi sa kanya.

And to think that I even tried to stay away from him before…

I groaned inwardly. Buti na lang talaga hindi ko kayang pigilan ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. If not, I wouldn’t get to experience all of this. I wouldn’t feel so complete.

“Who’s that man who gave you flowers?”

Napatingin ako kay dad. I was in the backseat and the driver seat was in front of me kaya hindi ko nakikita ang mukha n’ya. Kaya nang lumingon sa ’kin si mommy ay nalaman kong ako ang kinakausap ni dad. Besides, I was the only one who was holding flowers inside the car.

“He seems familiar,” dagdag pa ni daddy.

Bigla akong kinabahan. They didn’t know that I already have a boyfriend. Hindi ko pa rin masabi. Pakiramdam ko kasi, tututulan nila.

“He became our model before,” I said. “Remember our fashion show back then?”

“Oh!” mom exclaimed. “He was that good-looking man! I really thought he was a model. He looked so professional walking down the runway.”

Napangiti ako.

“Yeah… I think we got additional points because of that.”

“No, no. I’m sure I know him somewhere,” sabi ni dad na mas nagpakaba sa ’kin. “What’s his name?”

Ayokong sagutin. I was scared. Hindi ko alam kung paanong naging pamilyar sa kanya si Killian. Baka… Baka may kinalaman ang pagiging mafia n’ya.

“Irina?” Mukhang nainip na si dad dahil may ilang segundo akong hindi nagsalita.

“He’s…” I cleared my throat. “He’s Killian Romanov.”

There was a nerve-wracking silence after that. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng iniisip ni dad. I couldn’t see his face. Kaya si mommy na lang ang tiningnan ko dahil nakatingin s’ya kay daddy. But there was just a curious look on her face.

“Oh… Romanov,” I heard Dad say and I caught my breath.

What? He knew that surname?

“You know him?” tanong ni mommy sa kanya.

“I just heard things about them.”

“Like what?” tanong pa ni mommy at halos hindi na ako humihinga sa back seat.

“Like they’re wealthy and have a lot of connections that’s why a lot want to do business with them. However, there are suspicions that they also engage in illicit activities, and the police are simply allowing them to do so because they are a powerful family.”

Napasulyap sa ’kin si mommy. Halatang hindi nagustuhan ang narinig mula kay dad.

“Is it true then?” Mom asked and I saw Dad shrugged his shoulders.

“That’s just rumors but still…” He took a deep breath. “Stay away from that man, Irina. He will only give you trouble.”

I pursed my lips. Si Yulia ay nanahimik na rin sa tabi ko lalo nan ang sumulyap sa ’kin si mommy. There was a warning in her eyes, telling me that I shouldn’t defy my father. Na sundin ko lang kung ano’ng sinabi ni dad. Because that was what she wanted me to do. To always do what dad wanted.

That’s one of the consequences of being his stepdaughter. Gusto ni mommy na lagi kong sundin si dad. To be grateful that he accepted me as his own daughter. Ipinakilala n’ya ako sa mundo bilang totoo n’yang anak. Kaya ang dapat na kapalit ay gawin ko ang lahat ng gusto n’ya.

Kapag ganoon, kapag pinapaalala sa ’kin ni mommy na sundin ko lang si dad, that was the time when I really felt that I didn’t belong to the family. Kasi kailangan ko pang may gawing kapalit sa pagtanggap ni dad sa ’kin. At kapag nangyayari ’yon, naiisip ko na sana… Sana hindi n’ya na lang ako ipinakilalang tunay n’yang anak. At sana… kasama ko na lang ang totoong ama, kahit ayaw sabihin ni mommy kung sino s’ya.

And then I would always feel guilty whenever I think that. Kasi imbes na magpasalamat, ganoon pa ang iniisip ko. That deep inside, I really want to know who my real father is.

The happiness I felt earlier was quickly forgotten. Hiniling ko pa na sana ay ’wag agad bawiin ang kasiyahang iyon sa ’kin pero hindi pa man kami nakakauwi, binawi na agad ’yon. It felt so unfair. Para bang wala akong karapatang maging masaya nang matagal.

I didn’t want to do what my father wanted. I didn’t want to stay away from Killian. I already did it before and I knew how it felt. The despair, the desperation of knowing that happiness was right in front of you and yet you couldn’t even touch it and chose to stay away because if you do, if you even think of experiencing it, there would be consequences.

Pero ayoko na ulit maramdaman. Ayoko na ulit maranasan ’yon.

Kaya nang magpaalam na ako sa kanilang pupunta ako sa graduation party namin at kinabukasan na ako uuwi, I was definitely lying. I lied again to my parents.

It was becoming my habit and I know that it was bad. But I really couldn’t stay away from Killian anymore. I loved him so much and I was falling even deeper into him. Too deep that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get out of it.

I went to Killian’s place. I wanted to feel happiness again and he could easily make me feel that way.Ang bilis-bilis n’yang naibibigay ang gusto ko at hindi man lang ako nahihirapang makuha iyon. He was laying everything I wanted in front of me. And maybe that was why I was getting addicted. He was a temptation that I couldn’t stay away from.

I found him in the room where he kept all his weapons. He was cleaning his gun when I saw him. I figured he just used it as he also looked like he just got home.

“Irina? What are you doing here?”

I inhaled a deep breath and sighed. Agad nawala ang bigat sa dibdib ko nang makita.

“You don’t want me here?” I asked.

“Of course not,” mabilis n’yang sagot at nakita ko ang katotohanan sa mga mata n’ya. “But aren’t yiu supposed to celebrate this day with your classmate?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to look away from him. God… He was so handsome.

“I want to celebrate with you.”

Nagkatotoo ang sinabi ni Annika. Kahit na noong una pa lang ay gusto ko naman na talagang kasama si Killian.

He stared at me. His gaze was so intense but I didn’t look away. Sinalubong ko pa ang mga titig n’ya. I knew he could see there was a problem. He could always read me anyway.

“Come here.” Inilahad n’ya pa ang kamay sa ’kin.

I didn’t even think twice when I walked towards him and accepted his hands. He quickly took me inside his arms and I buried my face on his chest and inhaled his scent.

And despite where we were, inside a room where dangerous weapons were surrounding us, and despite the gunpowder that I could smell from him, I bathed myself in his warmth.

Maybe, he was my darkness… But he was also able to bring light to my life.

Chapter 35

I smelled Killian’s aftershave cologne mixed with his body wash as he went out of the bathroom inside his room. He was only wearing a towel draped down around his waist as he wiped his hair dry. Napatitig na lang ako sa kanya, particularly at his body. The tattoos on his skin made me forget everything I wanted to discuss with him. Parang bigla na lang nablanko ang nang makita ko s’yang lumabas ng banyo.

But that wasn’t unusual to me anyway. Ilang beses na bang nawawala ako sa sarili kapag kaharap ko si Killian? Kaya hindi na ako nagtataka ngayon at hinayaan na lang ang sarili ko sa pagtitig sa kanya.

At para bang nasasanay na rin sa ’kin si Killian dahil tuloy lang s’ya sa pagkilos pero nahalata ko naman ang tinatago n’yang ngiti nang mapasulyap sa ’kin.

He went inside his walk-in closet and I even craned my neck as I followed him with my eyes until he was finally out of my sight.

Too bad. He’s going to get dressed. I was hoping we would talk while he was topless. That would be really eye-candy for me but bad for my brain. Baka titigan ko na lang s’ya maghapon at makalimutan na talaga kung ano’ng gusto kong pag-usapan naming.

Or hindi lang titigan. I might do something even more than that.

Goodness gracious. What am I even thinking? Nag-blush pa talaga ako sa iniisip ko!

I waited for Killian while sitting at the end of his bed. Sobrang pamilyar na sa pakiramdam ko ang kamang iyon as I’ve slept a lot of times on it already. No. I didn’t just sleep on it. Killian and I did something more. Hindi lang din naman sa kamang ’yon. We did it in different parts of his penthouse anytime the fire ignited between us. Which happens a lot of times as whenever Killian was touching me intimately, hindi ko na napipigilan ang init ng katawan ko.

And Killian… Goodness. The man was always hot. Kapag tinitingnan ko s’ya sa mga mata n’ya, I could always see the fire in them telling me what he was thinking of doing to me. I could see the promises in them that he wouldn’t let me go until he could devour me.

Napangiti na lang ako. I have a very hot and sexy boyfriend. He removed all my innocence when he entered my life. Not that I was complaining. I even felt like he introduced me to a world that I wasn’t aware of. A place where I discovered all my hidden and deepest desires.

I looked at my phone when it rang. Si Annika ang tumatawag, probably wondering why I wasn’t at the party yet. I rejected her call and sent her a message I wouldn’t be going anymore and chose to stay with Killian instead. Hindi ko na hinintay pa ang reply n’ya at pinatay na ang phone ko. Alam ko kasing mang-aasar lang s’ya at sasabahing tama s’ya ng sinabi kanina.

Killian finally went out of his walk-in closet wearing a white cotton shirt and boxer shorts. I smiled as I stared at him. He still looked so good kahit pambahay lang ang suot n’ya. Tumayo ako at yumakap sa bewang n’ya, burying my face on his chest and inhaling his scent. I felt his chuckle as he hugged me back.

“Smells so good…” I moaned and hugged him tighter.

Narinig ko ang mahinang tawa n’ya. Marahan n’yang hinaplos ang mahaba kong buhok.

“What do you want to eat?”

Ikaw. “Pasta.”

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Ipinatong ko pa ang baba ko sa dibdib n’ya.

He stared at me for a while. Maya-maya ay nakita ko ang pag-angat ng isang sulok ng mga labi n’ya. He gave me a knowing smirk as if he knew what my real answer was. Pinamulahan ako ng mukha at napalabi na lang para itago ang kahihiyan. His chest rumbled as he made a low chuckle before he gave me a quick but deep kiss.

“Let’s go downstairs. I’ll order us food,” he said and I just nodded.

Killian didn’t just order pasta. Dinagdagan n’ya ng pizza, onion rings, and fries. It wasn’t a proper dinner but I figured I’d have the same kung sakaling pumunta rin ako sa graduation party namin.

We ate on the countertop. I was sitting on the high stool, devouring my pasta, while Killian was standing across me, leaning his elbows on the marble surface kaya hindi rin nagkakalayo ang distansya namin. But I liked it. I was enjoying my food more as I watched him eat.

“Have you called your grandmother?” he asked in the middle of our meal.

I looked at my wristwatch to check the time before I shook my head at him.

“She’s already sleeping. I’ll call her tomorrow.”

Nakatanggap na rin naman ako ng chat galing kay Lola kanina. She congratulated me. I wanted to call her and celebrate with her but apparently, my graduation wasn’t one of those exemptional days when I could talk with my grandmother. Gustuhin ko man, kasama ko sina mommy kanina kaya hindi ko makausap si Lola.

Natuwa naman ako na naalala s’ya ni Killian. Alam n’yang gusto kong makausap si Lola ngayong araw na ’to. It was such a very important day for me and I wanted my grandma to be part of it.

“She really likes you for me, you know?” I said.

Saglit na napatigil sa pagnguya si Killian bago tumaas ang mga kilay n’ya.

“Really?”

“Hmm!” I nodded eagerly. “I always talk to her about you.”

But Killian didn’t know that. Kahit naman kasi kung minsan ay naririnig n’ya ang pag-uusap namin ni Lola dahil nasa paligid lang s’ya, he couldn’t understand it. Tagalog kasi kami kung mag-usap ni Lola.

“I hope you’re not saying anything bad. Though, I’m the epitome of bad.”

I giggled. Naalala ko kasi ang mga pinagsasabi ko kay Lola tungkol sa kanya. Dahil sa kanya lang ako nakakapag-open up nang husto, hindi ko na pinipigilan ang kilig ko kapag nagkukwento ako kay Lola tungkol kay Killian.

I even told her that I always wanted to be with him all the time. Na ayoko na ngang humiwalay. And that I love him so much that my heart felt as if it would burst any minute whenever I was with him. Na ang gwapo-gwapo n’ya and I felt lucky that he was with me, that he chose me. Na kung minsan ay gusto ko s’yang itago dahil alam ko na maraming mas naggagandahang babae ang nagkakagusto kay Killian.

Sinabi ko ang lahat ng ’yon kay Lola. Of course, in pure Tagalog, as Killian was within earshot that time, and I didn’t want him to know that I was head-over-heels with him. Nakakahiya.

“Of course not! I always say good things about you.”

He leaned in, his face inched closer and I was surprised when he suddenly licked my lips. He did it twice as if removing something from my lips, and I realized it was the pasta sauce.

I wasn’t really a messy eater but I think I would be from now on… Kung si Killian ang kasama ko.

“Good. You seem to love her so much. I want her to like me,” he said as if he didn’t do anything that made my brain short-circuit.

Huh? Ano nga ulit ’yung pinag-uusapan namin?

“Who…?” I dumbly asked.

Killian stared at me for a while before he chuckled. Mukhang nahalata kung ano’ng nangyayari sa ’kin.

“Your grandmother.”

“Oh… Yeah.” I cleared my throat. “Right.”

Napangisi s’ya. Inilagay n’ya sa likod ng tenga ko ang buhok na humaharang sa mukha ko para makakain ako nang maayos.

Hindi ko tuloy mapigilan ang mapangiti. Why did I even say back then that there was no gentleness in him? Lalo pa ngayong nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya ang pagsuyo habang masaya akong nagkukwento sa kanya.

“You know the reason why she likes you for me most?” I asked softly. “Because of you, we got to talk often. She gets to see how I’m doing. She sees that I’m always happy when I’m you.”

Hindi ko pa naipapakilala si Killian kay Lola. Ayaw din muna ni Lola. Natataranta pa nga kapag tinatanong ko kung gusto n’yang kausapin ang boyfriend ko. Gusto ko rin sanang personal na ipapakilala si Killian sa kanya pero alam kong malabong mangyari ’yon sa ngayon. Kaya nagkakasya na lang muna ako by telling her stories about it.

I was hoping it would warm her up. Iyong mararamdaman n’ya parang kilalang-kilala n’ya na si Killian. In that way, baka hindi na s’ya mataranta when I formally introduce Killian to her.

Ilang sandaling nakatitig sa ’kin si Killian. Parang may tinatantya muna ang mood ko bago magtanong. It gave me an idea what he wanted to ask. Alam ko namang itatanong n’ya ang tungkol doon one of these days. I was just waiting for him to ask.

And that day was today.

“Why is your mom stopping you from talking to her?” marahan na tanong ni Killian.

I took a deep breath.

“Because Lola is a Filipino.”

He frowned.

“I’m not following you.”

Bahagya akong napangiti. He looked so clueless.

“Lola was the one who took care of me when I was young… Until I was eight. That’s why I can speak Tagalog.”

“Yeah… I kinda figured that out,” he said. “But what’s wrong with it?”

I bit my lower lip, organizing my thoughts. It was the first time I’ve told someone about it kaya hindi ko alam kung paano ipaliliwanag ang lahat.

So, I went straight to the point.

“I’m half-Filipino. My dad, he’s not…” I took another deep breath. “He’s not my real father. I’m not a real Morozova.”

Kung nagulat man si Killian, hindi ko iyon nakita sa kanya. He just continued staring at me.

I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I was actually nervous… and scared. Natatakot ako sa kung ano’ng iisipin n’ya.

What if he didn’t want who’s not a pure Russian? Importante ba ’yon sa mga mafia? Do they even have a rule like that? Like would it affect us if we ever have children and they’re not pure-blooded?

Oh, wait… Goodness. Bakit sa pagkakaroon agad namin ng anak tumalon ang iniisip ko?

Well… given that we were so active in bed…

But it was such a random thought! Halos hindi nga related ’yon sa pinag-uusapan namin!

Focus, Irina!

“And your mother’s hiding that fact,” he said, helping me focus back again. “Why?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t know… I guess it had something to do with my real father. My mom… She seemed to want to remove all the connections of me having Filipino blood. She even kept me hidden from the public when she gave birth to me. She was just starting her career at the time and was concerned that having a daughter might somehow… damage it. So, my mom left me with my grandma in the Philippines and continued her profession in Russia. She just took me with her when dad married her and told the press that I was their secret daughter.”

Napatango-tango si Killian.

“Do you know who your father is?”

I shook my head.

“No… I don’t even have the slightest idea…”

“Have you talked to your mom about it?”

My shoulders slumped.

“She won’t tell me anything… She looked so hurt whenever I asked her. Even by just talking to my grandma, mom would act so hurt.”

And then dad would comfort her pero pagkatapos muna akong tingnan nang masama dahil pinasama ko na naman ang loob ni mommy. I didn’t want that feeling. I didn’t want to feel like I was the black sheep in that family because I was curious about my identity, or because I missed my grandma. Kaya iniiwasan ko nang mangyari iyon ’yon.

That’s why even though I really want to know who my real father is, hoping maybe… maybe he could accept me, or maybe I wouldn’t have to tiptoe around him like what I’ve been doing being a Morozova, I didn’t ask about him again.

“Do you want me to find out who he is?”

Sandali akong nagulat sa sinabi n’ya. He was staring at me with seriousness in his eyes. As if just one word from me and he would really do it without a second thought.

Itatanong ko pa lang kung paano n’ya gagawin ’yon pero pinigilan ko rin ang sarili ko. He was in the mafia. Of course, it would be easy for him. Hindi man alam kung ano’ng gagawin n’ya but I guess he had the resources. Hindi na dapat ako nagulat sa alok n’ya.

I stared back at him. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. I mean no one offered something like this to me before. I didn’t even think someone would ever would. So, I was slightly taken aback and didn’t know what to say.

I trust Killian that he could find out who my real father is. But I didn’t know if I was ready even if I wanted it. Even if this was the biggest question in my life.

Pero pakiramdam ko kasi… may malaking pagbabago ang mangyayari sa ’kin sa oras na malaman ko.

What if it’s better if I remain clueless?

Shit… I’m starting to get scared…

Nakakatakot pala. Iyong buong buhay mong tanong na hindi ka sigurado kung magkakaroon pa ng sagot that you even started to accept not having an answer. Tapos bigla-bigla, ’yung sagot, abot-kamay mo na.

But then, if I didn’t know the answer, it would be a forever question in my life. Pakiramdam ko, hindi magiging buo ang pagkatao ko. Laging may kulang.

I was about to answer. Tatanggapin ko na sana ang offer ni Killian dahil ayokong manatili lang ang tanong na ’yon sa buhay ko. Pero mas nauna s’yang magsalita.

“But make sure you’ll choose what you think is good for you.”

Natigilan ako.

“What?”

Uminom muna s’ya bago seryosong tumingin sa ’kin.

“Your mother’s afraid, Irina… What she’s actually attempting to hide is your relationship with your father. That’s why she kept your birth and your time in the Philippines hidden, and why she keeps you from speaking the language and talking to your grandmother. She doesn’t want anyone, or you rather, to have any hint who your real father is.”

I stared at him. Hindi kasi ako makapaniwalang napagkonekta n’ya sa ganoong paraan ang lahat hindi pa man buo ang istoryang nasasabi ko sa kanya.

I never looked at it that way. Every time I tried to talk to my mom about my real father, or just tell her that I wanted to talk with my grandma, palagi s’yang nagagalit. O hindi kaya, kapag nasa paligid si daddy ay iiyak s’ya. She looked so hurt that dad would always comfort her.

I never even thought that they were just her defense mechanism. Because she’s actually afraid.

“Why would she be afraid?” wala sa sarili kong naitanong. I knew that Killian didn’t know the answer to that kaya hindi na ako nagtaka nang nagkibit-balikat s’ya.

“Maybe because what happened hurt her,” Killian tried to guess. “You already said it, right? That whenever you tried to talk about it, she looked hurt. And maybe what she’s really afraid of is you getting hurt when you finally find out the truth.”

Napatungo ako. Nag-alala bigla. Hindi ko ginustong saktan si mommy sa pagpipilit at pagpapaalala sa kanya ng kung anumang nangyari. Hindi ko lang kasi talaga alam. She never told me anything about my real father. ’Tapos ang dami-dami n’ya pang ayaw ipagawa sa ’kin that she didn’t even bother explaining why.

Killian lifted my chin so our eyes would meet. Alam kong nakikita n’ya ang pag-aalala sa mukha ko.

“I didn’t mean to hurt her,” depensa ko pa.

“I know, love…” he said and I saw understanding in his eyes. “You don’t know anything. Besides, you have every right to know about your real father.”

He moved his hand to caress my cheek to ease my worries. His touch was so gentle that I leaned my face on his palm. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako nang kahit papaano ay nagawa n’yang bawasan ang guilt ko.

“So, if you still want me to find out about your real father, just say the word, love, and I’ll do it for you.” He continued caressing my cheek, easing my worry. “You don’t need to decide today, okay?”

Ilang sandali akong tumitig sa kanya. I let myself lose in those eyes of his before I took a deep breath and smiled at him.

“Okay…”

He gave me a smirk.

“Good girl…”

When we finished eating, we stayed in the living room to watch some movies. Nakaupo si Killian sa couch while I was laying on his lap with a blanket draped on my body. It was such a comfortable position at pinipilit ko pa nga ang sarili kong hindi makatulog sa gitna nang panonood lalo pa at marahang hinahaplos ni Killian ang buhok ko.

I thought before that Killian would only give me chaos when I let him in my life. But now, I like this kind of tranquility that he brought into my life. Ngayon lang ako nakaramdaman ng ganiton kapayapaan. He managed to give me comfort and I didn’t want anyone to take this away from me.

Dad was wrong. Killian was no trouble. He was my calm.

“Dad wants me to stay away from you,” I confessed. Sa TV pa rin ang mga mata ko. “He said you’d only give me trouble.”

Naramdaman ko ang saglit na pagkakatigil ng paghaplos n’ya sa buhok ko bago muling nagpatuloy.

“Would you?”

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at napabuntong-hininga na lang. Kung minsan, naiinis na lang ako dahil kahit saang anggulo ay ang gwapo-gwapo pa rin n’ya. Ang unfair dahil may mga pagkakataong alam kong hindi ako maganda! Pero s’ya… Goodness.

Killian looked at me. Mabigat ang mga titig n’ya. As if he was challenging me. But there was also that hidden warning behind his eyes, telling me that if he didn’t like my answer, I already knew what would happen.

“Of course not,” mabilis kong sabi. “I can’t stay away from you anymore. I don’t want to. It might kill me.”

He looked satisfied with my answer just looking into his eyes. Ang kamay na humahaplos sa buhok ko ay bahagyang sumabunot. I gulped when I saw that savage glint in his eyes but it was quickly gone when he caressed my hair gently again.

“He just heard bad rumors about the Romanovs though. That you do illegal business. Maybe he’s worried that you’d kidnapped me to sell me to some people,” biro ko pa.

It was a bad joke, alright. Alam na alam ko ’yon. Lalo pa nang makita ko ang pagdilim ng mukha ni Killian na halatang hindi nagustuhan ang sinabi ko. His hand that was caressing my hair moved down to my neck, wrapping his fingers around, pressing the sides. As if he was already punishing me for making a comment like that even if it was just a joke.

“I’m sorry I was just kidding,” I said when he loosened his hold pero hindi naman inalis ang kamay sa leeg ko.

Hindi s’ya nagsalita. He was just looking at the TV. His jaw was set, trying to calm himself.

Madilim sa sala ang ang tanging ilaw lang ay ang nagmumula sa pinapanood namin so a shadow was cast on his face, making him look more intimidating. Mas nagmukha tuloy s’yang galit.

Okay… That concluded that I didn’t have a good sense of humor.

“It’s alright…” mahinang sabi ni Killian although I knew that it wasn’t alright.

Napabangon ako. My legs were still on the couch and I was just leaning my elbow to support my upper body so I could see him properly. Unti-unting nagkaroon ako ng ideya sa isip ko.

“Don’t tell me you really have a business like that?” kinakabahan kong tanong.

I mean, I knew they did illegal things. That them being a mafia. Marami silang illegal business and Killian admitted that they sell drugs and firearms, and they even have gambling dens.

Pero hindi ko alam ang tungkol dito.

“No,” mariin n’yang sabi. He was even gritting his teeth. “We don’t do human-trafficking.”

Napatitig ako sa kanya.

“What’s wrong then?” I asked dahil may kakaibang emosyon sa mukha n’ya. As if he was troubled by something.

He looked at me. His eyes were blank. But after a while, he sighed.

“I’m not sure if dad…” he gulped. Para bang hirap na hirap s’yang sabihin ang salitang ’yon dahil hindi sanay. “If they did business like that before and they just stayed away after he took me in.”

Napakunot-noo ako. Hindi naintindihan ang huling sinabi n’ya.

“Took you in?”

He took another deep breath.

“I’m adopted… I was taken away from my family when I was a kid and worked as a fucking slave of this goddamn gang until dad found me.”

“Oh, my God…” Napaayos ako ng upo. “Oh, my God, Killian…”

I held his arm and caressed it. It was hard. Naiipon doon ang tension, ang pagpipigil ng galit n’ya na kitang-kita ko sa mukha n’ya kahit sa TV pa rin s’ya nakatingin.

“I’m sorry I was so insensitive. I didn’t know…”

Umiling si Killian. This time, he looked at me.

“I know my story will give anyone nightmares but I want you to hear it, Irina… I want you to know how damaged and imperfect I am.”

I pursed my lips. Naiiyak na agad ako sa mga sinabi n’ya pa lang. But I know telling me this, relieving those stories, was harder for him.

But he wanted me to hear it. Kaya kahit alam kong masasaktan ako, tumango ako.

Isa pa, I wanted to understand him. I wanted to know more about him.

Hindi ako nagtatanong ng tungkol sa kanya, lalo na sa pagiging mafia n’ya, dahil pakiramdam ko, hindi dapat. I felt like it was a confidential thing. Kaya ngayon na lang ang pagkakataon kong mas makilala pa s’ya.

But no matter what I would hear, I know… I will still accept him.

“My abductors took me to a place I knew nothing of,” he said. “I couldn’t even understand their language. They would give me orders and yell and beat me if I didn’t understand. But I thought that was just their excuse to hit me. It wasn’t. Because even after I fully understood them, they still beat me whenever they wanted.”

“Killian…”

Hindi s’ya nakatingin sa ’kin. Doon pa rin sa TV. But we both forgot about the movie. Wala na rin doon ang focus ni Killian.

There was a haunted look on his face but he was trying to hide it. There was coldness in his eyes that he even looked more terrifying like this instead when I could see anger in them.

“They gave me my first tattoo. They didn’t care if the needle was rusty so of course… I got infected.”

I gasped.

“You were so young!” hindi ko na napigilang bulalas.

Napatingin pa ko nang wala sa sarili n’yang nahawakan ang balikat n’ya, below the collarbone. I looked at him, stunned. Of course, naintindihan kong doon nilagay ang unang tattoo n’ya. Na sinadyang takpan ng tattoo n’ya ngayon.

And I heard it was one of the most painful parts to put tattoos on!

“They didn’t care, Irina… They didn’t care. I was abused, assaulted, and…” He gulped. Ilang beses s’yang kumurap na parang may inaalis sa mga mata n’ya.

A sob escaped from my lips when tears fell from my eyes. Hirap na hirap akong pigilan ang mga hikbi ko. But my heart was in so much pain for the man in front of me. The man I love so much.

Kahit hindi n’ya itinuloy ang sasabihin n’ya, I already knew what his next word would’ve been.

He was raped.

Goodness… They raped him too.

I didn’t want to ask him how old he was at that time. Pakiramdam ko ay mas sobra lang akong masasaktan.

But then, he said he was a kid. What kind of a sicko would do those horrible things to a kid? Daig pa nila ang demonyo.

Fuck. I hope they suffer and rot in hell.

Napatingin sa ’kin si Killian. He watched me as I cried. Pero maya-maya ay umabot sa pingi ko para punasan ang luha ko.

He then looked at his hand. The way he looked at my tears, it was as if they looked strange to him. Na para bang iyon ang unang beses na makakita s’ya ng luha.

Or maybe, it was the first time someone cried for him.

“You’re hurting,” he said when he looked at me again.

Umiling ako. Sinubukan kong magsalita pero mas lalo lang akong naiyak.

“I should stop. You’re hurting,” he said.

“No.” Mabilis kong hinawakan ang kamay n’ya. “I’m okay.”

“You’re crying,” sabi n’yang parang hindi ko pa alam.

“Please… I want to hear everything.”

Ilang sandali akong tinitigan ni Killian. Parang tinatantya pa kung makakaya ko ba ang mga susunod na sasabihin n’ya. Kung mas masasaktan pa ba ako noon.

I couldn’t believe him. Ako pa talaga ang inaalala n’ya?

“I tried to escape lots of times,” may pag-iingat sa tono n’ya nang muling magsalita. “Every time they caught me, they almost beat me to death. But I didn’t give up. Until Aleksandr found me.”

“Your dad?” I sniffed.

He nodded.

“Yeah… He treated me and I begged him to take me with him.” He chuckled but I couldn’t hear any emotion in them. “That time, I think I would fucking go with anyone as long as I could get away from those fucking bastards.”

Hinaplos kong muli ang mga braso n’ya. Hindi na n’ya dinugtungan kung ano pa’ng mga ginawa sa kanya ng mga demonyong ’yon. I think he was being considerate of me. Lalo pa at umiyak ako. Kaya pigil na pigil na tuloy akong humikbi kahit na naninikip ang dibdib ko sa sobrang sakit.

“Aleksandr promised to take me in in exchange that I would protect and be a brother to his son when the right time comes,” he continued. “I got worried that he wouldn’t do it if I couldn’t prove that I could protect his son. And you know what I did?”

“What?”

He smiled at me. But it was that kind of smile that made all my hair in my nape stand up. It was that kind of smile that made me frightened. It didn’t help that the light on the TV cast a shadow on half of his face.

“I trained vigorously with every kind of firearm and knives. And then I killed every member of that gang.” He chuckled. “Then I gave Aleksandr the head of the leader on a silver platter… sucking his own dick.”

Dahan-dahan ang ginawa kong pagsinghap. I stopped myself from imagining what he said. I already knew that when he took revenge, he was violent with it. He was ruthless. He was brutal.

Pero kahit kailan, hinding-hindi ako masasanay doon.

But still, I’m willing to accept him.

When I think about it, masasabi ko pang hindi na ako magtataka kung bakit n’ya ginawa ’yon. I didn’t know how long those men abused him until Aleksandr found him. Lahat ng galit, lahat ng sakit ay naipon sa dibdib n’ya hanggang sa nabigyan s’ya ng pagkakataon para gumanti.

Maybe that was why he became like this. Barbaric. Savage. Violent. But only to those people who deserve it.

Ah… I finally understand where those came from… What happened to him when he was a child made him this way.

“That’s why your dad took you,” I said. Hinawakan ko ang pisngi n’ya. “And that’s why you are so loyal to Serj.”

Killian leaned his face on my palm. Nawala na ang lamig na nakita ko sa mga mata n’ya.

“You still want me? After all that you’ve heard? After all that you’ve seen?”

I smiled at him. Tingin n’ya magbabago ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya?

“Of course…” Unti-unti kong inilapit ang mukha sa kanya. “Killian, you’re incredibly brave. You are a fighter. After everything you’ve been through, you haven’t given up. I know you have experienced something horrible and it’s probably still haunting you. But you tried to get over it. You tried to move on with your life. And I know that it must’ve taken you a lot of courage to do so.”

May tumulong luha sa mga mata ko at mabilis ko iyong pinunasan. Killian helped me to wipe it too na para bang ayaw na ayaw n’yang makita akong umiiyak sa kahit na anong dahilan man.

Natawa na lang ako.

“So, yes, Killian. I still want you. And you know what? I fell in love with you more after hearing all of that.”

That was the first time I’ve told him my feelings. Titig na titig s’ya sa ’kin. Parang sinisiguro kung tama ba ang narinig n’ya.

And then, he smiled. Wala na rin ang sakit sa mga mata at napalitan ng pagsuyo habang nakatingin sa ’kin.

It was such a beautiful smile.

He chuckled.

“You’re such an idiot.”

Maybe… But I was not complaining.

Especially when he captured my lips for a deep and long kiss.

Chapter 36

I got all the support I needed when I started my shop. I was scared at first even if that was already my plan and what I promised myself when I finally finished my studies. Ang sabi ko, magtatayo ako ng shop. A shop where I could showcase and sell my designs.

But my family was so supportive. Lalo na si Mommy. Palagi silang nakaalalay sa ’kin. Ibinibigay ang lahat ng kakailanganin ko.

As a businessman, my dad even gave me pointers on how to run a business. He gave me tips that could help me and even provided me with people who could help me with my business, like financial and legal advisors. Sa tingin ko ay iyon ang naging pinakamahaba at pinakamalalim na pag-uusap namin ni Dad. Even though it was a boutique shop, it was still a business. Halata kay Daddy na nagustuhan n’ya ang pagtatayo ko ng sarili kong business.

And I was happy. Pakiramdam ko, tama ang ginagawa ko. My parents were so proud of me.

Si Mommy naman ay todo ang promotion ng shop ko sa mga social media account n’ya. Kahit pa noong sinisimulan ko pa lang itayo ’yon. So, the day when I finally opened my shop to the public, a lot of her friends in the industry were there to check on my shop. Even fashion bloggers and interviewers were there kaya na-feature agad ang pagbubukas ng shop ko.

And that was the start of my career.

A lot of Mom’s model friends bought some of my designs. Ilan sa kanila ay mga sikat. So, when they posted a photo on their Instagram account wearing my work and tagged me, it also promoted my shop. Maraming celebrities and models ang nakakita at binisita rin ang shop ko. Some even hired me to design their gown and suit na susuotin daw nila sa parties or awards nights.

I had to admit na nagustuhan ko ang laki ng koneksyon ni Mommy sa industriyang iyon. Nakilala agad ang pangalan ko in just a year after I build my shop. I was recognized quickly at ang dami na agad naging sales ng mga gawa ko.

My business boomed quickly. Ilang beses na agad akong na-feature sa mga fashion magazine pati na ang mga gawa ko. Nakasama na rin ako sa Paris at New York Fashion Week at nagkaroon na rin ng sarili kong fashion show. Kabi-kabilang mga naglalakihang fashion editor ang kumu-contact sa ’kin.

I was labeled as one of the fastest-rising designers in the industry and things became overwhelming for me. Kung minsan ay ako na mismo ang hindi makasunod. Ang bilis kasi ng mga pangyayari.

I felt like it wasn’t that long when I was still filled with worries and anxieties after I graduated. Kahit planado ko na kung ano’ng gagawin ko, nangangapa pa rin ako. I had no idea where to start. I had no idea if I was doing the right thing. I didn’t know if my talent was enough o kung magaling ba talaga ako para pumasok sa industry na ’to.

I got scared sometimes. It felt like I didn’t do much to get all of these because obviously, I got connections. So, I often ask myself if I truly deserve all of these. If all of this was happening because I have talent or if the public was just tolerating me because I am the daughter of a previously famous model.

“How do you feel about your upcoming fashion show?”

I looked at the interviewer. Just yesterday, she contacted me to get my interview. Nabalitaan daw kasi ng EIC nila that I will have my fashion show next week. At kahit na in three days ay lalabas na ang next issue ng magazine nila, isisingit pa rin daw ang interview ko.

Of course, I accepted it even if I was so busy with the fashion show. Pumayag din naman s’ya na gabi kami magkita pagkatapos ng trabaho ko sa shop.

I smiled at her.

“Nervous, really.” Dinig ko pa ang kaba sa boses ko nang tumawa ako saglit. “Especially since all of the guests accepted my invitation.”

“Oh, yes! I’ve heard about that!” I saw the gleam in her eyes. She looked excited for me. “Even the bloggers and reporters are excited too for your fashion show!”

Natawa ako.

“You make it sound like it’s as important as my first show.”

“Of course, it is! You’ve been the buzz of the town since you opened your shop. You know, I interviewed various models, and many of them admired your work. Those who have not yet worked with you even hope you will hire them as models for your future fashion show.” She smiled at me. “Miss Morozova, you’ve made a name for yourself in the fashion industry.”

Ramdam ko ang pamumula ng buong mukha ko. I tried to compose myself dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin talaga ako nasasanay sa mga papuri nila kahit maraming tao na ang nagsasabi ng ganoon sa ’kin.

Ang bilis kasi talaga ng lahat. Minsan nga, pakiramdam ko ay nalulunod ako.

“Please… I’ve still got a long way to go.”

“Oh, you’re blushing!” she exclaimed. Napatingin pa s’ya sa kasama n’yang photographer na parang sinisigurong hindi lang s’ya ang nakakakita noon. “She’s blushing!”

They both laughed. Kahit ang mga staff kong nakakakita sa ’min ay natawa na rin kaya mas lalo lang namula ang mukha ko.

“You’re already this big but still humble,” nangingiting sabi ng interviewer.

“I’m still not used to everything,” pag-amin ko.

“I can understand. You just started your career but climbed up the ladder way too fast. Can you tell me how you manage to cope with everything?”

“I haven’t still, to be honest. It feels surreal. Everything still feels like a very good dream. I mean, one moment I was anxious about starting my shop after I graduated and then the next moment, I was already here. I’ve been very lucky.”

“Or you’re just really talented,” sabi ng interviewer na mukhang natutuwa sa ’kin. She motioned around the shop. “I’ve seen your works and there’s no doubt why people recognized you quickly.”

I smiled at her, grateful for what she’d said.

“Thank you…”

Pagod na pagod ako nang sa wakas ay matapos na ang interview. I haven’t been able to have a complete rest because of my upcoming fashion show.

No… It wasn’t just only then. Noong sinisimulan ko pa lang itayo ’yung shop, hindi na ako nagkaroon ng maayos na pahinga dahil nga sunod-sunod na rin ang mga nangyari that even I struggled to keep up.

I went out to head home, leaving my team in the shop to do their work. Napangiti ako nang makita agad ang kotse ni Killian na nakaparada sa parking space sa harap ng shop. He was casually leaning on the hood of his car. Halatang hindi pa s’ya umuuwi galing sa company nila as he was still wearing his suit but he already removed the jacket and vest. Hindi na maayos ang black necktie n’ya na parang niluwagan so he could open the first two button of his white inner long-sleeve shirt. Nakarolyo na rin ang sleeves hanggang siko n’ya, showing a glimpse of his tattoos, and I could also see his black watch on his left wrist.

Hindi muna ako lumapit sa kanya at pinagmasdan lang s’ya. But it was as if he could sense me. Agad s’yang napatingin sa direksyon ko pero hindi naman kumilos mula sa pagkakasandal sa kotse n’ya.

He was smoking. I watched him as he puffed on his cigarette, exhaling the smoke out of his mouth slowly. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay nasa loob ng bulsa ng navy blue pants n’ya. He looked like a model and I couldn’t stop myself from taking out my phone so I could take a picture of him.

I smiled when I saw how the picture turned out. Nakaharap s’ya sa camera as he was looking at me. There was a glint in his eyes as if he were looking at something he wanted to… devour, to claim… which I could always see in those eyes whenever he looked at me.

I decided then that I would keep that photo of him private and wouldn’t post it anywhere. Para na rin kasi s’yang nakatingin sa camera and I didn’t want anyone to experience the way Killian looked at me. Gusto ko, ako lang ang makakatanggap ng ganoong tingin mula sa kanya.

But then, I couldn’t post it anyway. Dahil hanggang ngayon ay itinatago ko pa rin ang relasyon naming ni Killian mula sa mga magulang ko.

I put the phone inside my sling bag and walked toward him. Mabilis na umayos ng tayo si Killian and he threw his cigarette on the ground before stepping on it.

“Sorry, I smoked,” sabi n’ya nang makalapit ako sa kanya at akmang yayakapin s’ya.

Still, I hugged him and wrapped my arms around his waist. Ah, screw it. I still want to smell him.

So, I buried my face in his chest and inhaled his scent. He smelled all male. So Killian. Lalaking-lalaki. And I was addicted to it.

“It’s okay,” sabi kong inaamoy pa rin ang dibdib n’ya.

I felt him chuckle more than I heard it. Niyakap n’ya ako pabalik and I think I just melted inside his arms.

Hmm… That’s more like it.

“How’s your day?” he asked as I felt him caress my hair. Naramdaman ko rin ang paghalik n’ya sa ibabaw ng ulo ko.

Ah, such comfort…

“Tiring,” sabi ko bago s’ya tiningala. I smiled at him. “But I’m fine now since you’re here.”

Umangat ang isang sulok ng mga labi n’ya. He gave me a smirk before he chuckled. There was a playful glint in his eyes as he stared down at me. Parang naaaliw habang tinititigan ako.

“That should be my line, love… You’re getting better with your words. It hasn’t been that long since you told me you don’t want me in your life,” halata ang pang-aasar sa boses n’ya.

Hinampas ko ang dibdib n’ya kasabay nang pagtulak sa kanya. Pinaalala pa kasi talaga! Ayoko na ngang alalahanin ’yon dahil nahihiya lang ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko noon!

He laughed. Sinimangutan ko s’ya pero hinuli n’ya ang kamay kong nasaktan nang hampasin ko s’ya sa dibdib as his muscles were so hard! He kissed the pain away at unti-unting nawala ang inis ko sa kanya.

“I know… I learned my lesson,” I said.

“I’m sure…” sabi n’yang nangingiti.

Nakaisip ako ng kalokohan para man lang makaganti sa kanya. I smiled at him seductively. Ikinawit ko ang mga braso ko sa leeg n’ya at tumingkayad para mas maglapit ang mga mukha namin.

“It’s because I have the best teacher.” I gave him an innocent look. “He taught me so many things, you know…”

I ran a finger down his eyes and bit my lower lip while still not looking away from him. So, I saw exactly when the look in his eyes changed. It became predatory and I heard warning bells in my head. Bigla ay parang gusto kong umatras because I was sure that he would take me right exactly where we were. That he didn’t mind if we were in a public place. He would do it as a punishment to me for tempting him like this.

Napatigil tuloy ’yung daliri kong bumababa mula sa dibdib n’ya. And Killian must’ve seen my hesitation as he mocked me with his smirk. Lalayo na sana ako, because I knew that he wouldn’t back down, but he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

“Oh, love… You’re playing with fire. There are still so many things I have yet to teach you,” nailing pang sabi n’ya. Then he dipped his head and whispered in my ear. “Like how to suck my pierced cock and what you should do as I fuck your mouth deep in your throat.”

Maingay akong napasinghap. Napahiwalay ako sa kanya dahil nanindig ang mga balahibo ko. Napatingin pa tuloy ako sa paligid. I was worried that someone would hear him! Nakahinga lang ako nang maluwag nang makitang malayo ang ibang tao sa ’min.

I glared at him. I saw him fighting back with a smile. He was definitely enjoying my reaction.

“I see that you’re feeling okay now,” sabi pa n’ya.

Natigilan ako. Maya-maya ay naliwanagan.

Ah… Alright. He did it because he saw my exhaustion. He saw what had been worrying me all this time. Hindi ko na kasi naitago ’yon dahil sa pagod. Not that I could hide anything from him anyway.

“Wow… You have an uncanny way to comfort me,” I deadpan.

He chuckled.

“Oh, no, love… You got it wrong. My way of comforting you is by spreading your legs wide apart, sucking your clit, tongue-fucking your sweet cunt, and you’ll be screaming my name.”

“Killian!” saway ko na dahil hindi na lang bulong ’yon at may nakarinig na sa kanya! The woman even stopped walking and looked at him with wide eyes. Namumula pa ang mukha ng babae nang maglakad na palayo. Even I blushed with his words!

Goodness gracious! Wala talagang pinipiling lugar ang bibig ng lalaking ’to!

Sinimangutan ko s’ya. But he was just chuckling as he walked toward me and pulled me into a hug.

“God… I fucking love you,” he said. “Come. Let’s take you home.”

Wait… He just said something, didn’t he?

I stilled, trying to analyze what he just said. I was even staring at Killian, expecting him to repeat those words. But it was as if he didn’t just say something heart-thumping and just guided me inside the car. He even opened and closed the passenger door for me.

Nalilito tuloy ako habang nakaupo sa sasakyan. I even stared at him as he got into the driver’s seat. But he didn’t repeat what he said and started to drive.

I mean… I already knew how he felt for me. Ramdam ko naman sa intesidad ng mga kilos n’ya. He was always so intense that I felt like I wasn’t giving him enough. Kaya nga sinusubukan kong bumawi sa kanya sa paraang alam ko.

That was the first time he said those words. I knew that he loved me too much pero nakakagulat pa rin na marinig ’yon mismo sa kanya.

When his words finally sank into my mind, I smiled so widely that my jaw hurt. I bit my lower lip as I felt that I looked stupid and ridiculous but I couldn’t help it. Hindi ko mapigilan ang ngiti ko.

“I love you too,” I said.

Napalingon sa ’kin si Killian. He smirked before he made a low chuckle and looked at the road again. Nangingiting itinuon ko na lang ang tingin ko sa harap.

Home… He said he’d take me home. Pero alam naming pareho kung saan ang tinutukoy n’ya. At his place. His penthouse. That had been my comfort place. With him.

Even though I’ve already managed to buy my own condo unit just near his penthouse, doon pa rin ako nakikisiksik sa kanya. My parents thought that I’ve been staying in my condo pero ang totoo, hindi ako madalas na nandoon. Palagi akong nasa penthouse ni Killian.

I’ve wanted to stay with him. Always. Lalo pa ngayon na sobrang pagod na pagod ang pakiramdam ko pero hindi ako pwedeng manghina kahit saglit lang. Killian had always managed to give me the strength and energy I needed to get by. I’ve felt bad lying to my parents. Pero pakiramdam ko kasi, hindi ko kakayanin ang mga nangyayari sa ’kin ngayon kung wala s’ya.

He was my rest and my break. My safe haven…

“Thank you for your odd way of comforting me, by the way. I was feeling a bit glum earlier.”

Saglit akong sinulyapan ni Killian.

“I told you; you’ll know when I’m comforting by spreading your—”

“Oo na, oo na!” putol ko agad sa sasabihin n’ya. “Goodness.”

Napalingon s’ya sa ’kin at nagtagal ang tingin n’ya ngayon. I just realized I speak some Tagalog words. Nasasanay na kasi ako magsalita dahil napapadalas na ang pag-uusap namin ni Lola. Although I was really careful not to speak the language around my mom. Nakampante lang ako ngayon dahil si Killian naman ang kasama ko.

“I mean, alright,” I translated as I knew he didn’t understand. “Mahalay na naman ang sasabihin mo.”

When Killian chuckled, I stared at him. Para bang naintindihan n’ya ang sinabi ko. But then he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders.

“Why are you feeling glum anyway? Didn’t you say you’d have an interview today?” he asked. Pasulyap-sulyap s’ya sa ’kin.

I sighed.

“I don’t know… It feels like lately… I’m receiving things I don’t even deserve.”

He frowned.

“What do you mean? What things?”

“Everything that’s happening with my career. I don’t even know if I’m getting the recognition because Mom and her famous friends promoted me and I don’t really have a talent.” I sighed frustratedly. “I’m sure others would love to be in my shoes, but… it’s frustrating, Killian… It’s frightening. I don’t want to be known just because I have connections. I want to be noticed because I have talent. That I am truly deserving of a career in the fashion industry since I am capable and I have the skills.”

Maybe I think differently. Kung kailan pa sigurado na ang career ko, saka pa ako biglang natakot. I don’t know I just… I was not sure about everything. The pressure was too much.

But I studied hard. I practiced hard. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong matutuhan ang mga kailangan ko and I tried to applied everything. Pakiramdam ko ay mababalewala ang paghihirap ko noon kung nakilala sa maling paraan.

Pakiramdam ko rin, ang taas ng expectation ng lahat sa ’kin dahil ang bilis ng pag-angat ko. Iisipin ng iba na dahil iyon sa ang galing-galing ko. Kaya kapag naglalabas ako ng bagong designs, ng bagong collection, natatakot ako. Kasi paano kung hindi iyon mas maganda sa inilabas ko nu’ng nakaraan? A lot would be disappointed. My parents would be the one who’d be disappointed the most.

Alam kong hindi pa ako ganoong kagaling at marami pang kailangang matutunan. I was so scared to make a mistake. Pakiramdam ko, maraming nakabantay sa kilos ko. Hinihintay na magkamali ako, which I know would happen dahil nga nagsisimula pa lang ako. I am bound to make a mistake.

Pero dahil marami parang ang taas na ng nararating ko, mas magiging mabigat ang pagbagsak ko. And I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to get back up as I was still inexperienced.

Killian didn’t say anything and just continued driving. Inaabangan ko ang sasabihin n’ya. I was worried about confiding in him as I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me. I didn’t want him to know that I’m not really confident. That I’m actually full of worries and anxieties.

Nagtaka ako nang itinabi ni Killian ang sasakyan sa gilid ng kalsada. He looked at me and I realized that he was just finding a spot to park the car as he wanted us to talk properly.

“Irina.” He angled his body to face me fully. He took my hand and held it tight. “I don’t know what I should say to you right now. I am thinking of a different way to make you feel better and we both know what that is.”

Napairap ako.

“Killian…”

“No, please, listen to me first, love…” Natahimik ako dahil nakita ko ang kaseryosohan sa mga mata n’ya sa kabila ng sinabi n’ya. “I’m not good with words but I’ll say something anyway.”

I smiled softly at him and squeezed his hand. I know… He’s expressing himself with actions and I clearly know how harsh and straightforward he is. But he was trying so hard because of me. And that was enough to make me feel better.

“I don’t want you to doubt yourself,” he said. Napangiti na talaga ako. He was so Killian. Still harsh and straightforward. “Stop smiling. It’s making me hard to think of the right words.”

Natawa tuloy ako. Goodness. I love this mademan.

“Okay…”

“I don’t think you garnered this much attention solely because of your connections. If you’re not that good, those fashion editors, bloggers, and journalists will not feature you or interview you. But they see something in you, love. They admire you and your talent, which is why they are eager to hear your interview and speak with you. They want to share what they see in you with the rest of the world. I mean, don’t you think they’d jeopardize their credibility by stating a lie?”

Nawala na ang ngiti ko at napatitig na lang sa kanya. It was obvious that he was struggling to find the right words but he was trying still. Kasi gusto n’yang maintindihan ko ang lahat.

“They are confident to feature you because they saw something real, love… They saw your talent.” He kissed my hand. “I know you’re getting a lot of pressure. But always know that you can take it slow. Do it at your own pace so you can have fun while doing something you want. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Killian…”

Ang isang kamay n’ya ang inabot ang pisngi ko. He caressed my cheek and I leaned more onto his palm.

“And please, know that I’m here every step of your way. I’m always here whenever you need me. You know I’d do everything for you, right?”

Naiiyak na napatango ako. I kissed his palm without taking my eyes off him.

“Thank you… I love you so much.”

Napangiti s’ya.

“And if you feel like everything is too much, we can always try my way of comforting you, love. It’s effective.”

“Oh, God…” Napairap ulit ako.

“I’m fucking serious. It’s also an effective way to ease your worries. I swear you’ll feel good—”

“Oh, my God. Stop.”

“I’ll make you cum until you can forget everything—”

“Killian!” natatawa ko nang saway. “Tama na kasi!”

“And then I’ll fuck you—”

I kissed him just to shut him up. Ang bastos na naman kasi ng bibig! But maybe that was what he was planning as he kissed him back. I even felt his triumphant smile against my lips before he deepened the kiss.

Wala na. He magically erased all my negative feelings earlier just like that.

So, to thank him, I kissed him with my everything. Nilabanan ko ang intesidad ng halik n’ya. I sucked on his lower lip and he just let me have my way. Hinihigit ko na nga s’ya palapit sa ’kin and a frustrated groan escaped my lips as the seatbelts were restraining us.

He chuckled while still kissing me. He unbuckled my seatbelt and I was about to straddle him when I heard my phone ring. Hinihingal kaming napahiwalay sa isa’t isa.

Ah… I wanted to have more of him though. Maybe later when we get home.

I took out my phone and it was my mother who was calling me. I had to compose myself, hinihingal pa rin kasi ako, before answering her call.

“Hey, Mom…”

“Come here tonight, Irina. Your dad wants to talk to you,” iyon lang at ibinaba na n’ya ang tawag.

Napatitig na lang ako sa phone ko. It was unusual for my mom to end the call like that so I assumed there was a problem. Bigla tuloy akong kinabahan.

I looked at Killian. I had to stop myself from kissing him again when I saw how red his lips were because of the kiss we just shared.

I cleared my throat.

“I need to get to my parents’ house tonight.”

He stared at me.

“Is everything okay?”

Napangiti ako. Napapansin n’ya talaga ang lahat sa ’kin.

“Yeah…” Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at mabilis na hinalikan ang mga labi n’ya. “I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.”

Nanghinayang ako. I wanted to be with him tonight. Pero mukha kasing importante ang gustong sabihin sa ’kin ni Daddy that I even need to get there.

Hindi ako sa harap ng bahay namin nagpababa kay Killian. Mahirap na. Baka makita pa kami ng parents ko. I didn’t want to risk it. Nilakad ko na lang ang layo ng pinagbabaan ko but I felt safe as I knew Killian was following me in the dark.

I will really make it up to him tomorrow.

I found my parents sitting on the couch in the living room when I entered the house. I greeted them and kissed them on the cheeks but they remained silent. And I knew right then, something was wrong. Especially when I saw the disappointment in my mom’s eyes.

“What do you want us to talk about, Dad?” tanong ko na kahit bigla akong kinabahan.

Dad didn’t say anything and just handed me his phone. He looked so serious that it added to my nervousness.

I accepted his phone with my trembling hands and looked at it. I felt blood drained on my face when it showed a photo of Killian and me hugging intimately.

Ilang beses akong napalunok. It was just one photo. Pero mahuhulaan na kaagad kung ano’ng relasyon meron kami roon.

“You had me followed?” I asked softly. Nanginginig din ang boses ko.

“No,” Dad said casually but the look in his eyes was scary. “A board member sent it to me.”

Oh, no…

“Dad…”

Halos mapaiyak ako sa nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya.

Indifference. As if he was looking at a stranger.

“Explain. Irina.”

Shit.

Chapter 37

I was trembling so much that my breath started to speed up. It didn’t help that Dad was looking at me as if I was a stranger and he saw me today for the first time. There wasn’t any warmth in his eyes. There wasn’t any recognition na madalas kong makita sa kanya nitong nakaraan kapag ipinagmamalaki n’ya ang mga narating ko.

I wasn’t ready for this. Even though I knew that I couldn’t keep my relationship with Killian a secret forever, and even though I imagined so many times that I would tell my parents about it, I wasn’t prepared for the real thing.

I should’ve told them about it. Umamin na sana ako bago pa nila nalaman sa iba. I should’ve been the one to inform them about Killian to at least lessen the damage, knowing that they’d still be angry with me for being in a relationship with him. Kasi ayaw nila kay Killian. Ayaw nila sa lalaking mahal ko.

But… I couldn’t do anything now, could I? I have to face this.

“Let me explain, Dad…” rinig ko ang panginginig ng sarili kong boses.

“That’s what I said, Irina,” Dad pointed out. The look he was giving me made me feel stupid.

Napatingin ako kay Mommy. Gusto ko lang makakuha ng lakas ng loob kahit na alam kong hindi n’ya ako suportado ngayon. She wouldn’t give me support to anything that would anger Dad, to anything that he didn’t want.

But still, nasaktan ako nang makita ang paninis isa mukha ni Mommy. Na para bang ito na ang pinakamalaking kasalanang nagawa ko. And she wouldn’t forgive me for this, for disobeying Dad like this.

“I love Killian, Dad…” I said helplessly.

I couldn’t think of any reason. I didn’t know how I should explain everything. Because that was my only reason and explanation.

I noticed my dad’s jaw clenched. Doon pa lang ay alam ko nang hindi n’ya tanggap ang rasong ibinigay ko.

“How long has this been going on?” he asked. His voice was dangerously calm and that scared me more.

I bit my lower lip. Ayokong sabihin. Alam kong mas magagalit s’ya.

“Irina,” Dad warned. Mukhang malapit nang mawalan ng pasensya.

“Years…” I said softly.

He took a deep breath.

“How long?” he demanded.

“Since my last year in the university…”

Mahina ang pagkakasabi ko. Maybe it was intentional dahil ayoko sanang marinig nila ang isinagot ko. But the way my mom gasped so loud as if she couldn’t believe what I’ve said, I knew they both heard it. Lalo pa at tahimik na tahimik sa loob ng bahay.

I looked down at my hands. I was still standing pero hindi ko ramdam ang pangangalay ng mga paa ko. Mas ramdam ko ang takot at kaba dahil alam kong galit sina Mom at Dad. Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong batang pinagagalitan ng mga magulang.

Napatingin ako kay Dad nang tumayo s’ya. Even Mom looked at him and there was worry and fear in her eyes.

Dad took a few steps and took a deep breath. His hands were on his hips as if he was trying to calm himself down and exhaled harshly. Halos mapapitlag ako nang tumingin s’ya sa ’kin.

“Tell me, doschka … Are you deaf?”

“What?” Napasulyap ako kay Mommy bago umiling. “No.”

“Do you lack understanding?” He shook his head. “I know you’re not. You top your class. But tell me still, doschka …”

“No… No, Dad.”

“Then why?!” Pareho kaming napapitlag ni Mommy nang tumaas ang boses ni Dad. “Why the fuck did you do the very fucking thing I asked you not to do?!”

Napaatras ako nang lumapit sa ’kin si Daddy. He looked so mad. Kahit si Mommy ay napatayo at mukhang naalarma sa galit ni Dad.

“Are you fucking stupid, Irina? Did I make a mistake giving my name to someone with no intelligence?”

“Dad…” I sobbed. “I’m sorry—”

“Your sorry won’t fix this! I specifically told you to stay away from that man and you did the exact opposite!” He looked at Mom. “Catherine, how could you give birth to a daughter with no brain and can’t even understand a simple instruction?!”

“Andrei…”

Napahakbang palapit si Mommy kay Daddy. I could see that she wanted to calm him down but thought otherwise when she saw how mad Dad looked. She stopped a few steps away from him.

“Andrei, I’ll talk to Irina, okay? Don’t worry. She’ll stop seeing that man.”

Napatingin ako kay Mommy. Gusto kong kontrahin s’ya. I didn’t say anything like that. I have no plans of staying away from Killian again.

“The damage has been done, Catherine! My name has been associated with the Romanovs now because of your stupid daughter! I gave her everything and this is how she’d repay me?”

“I know, I know…” my mother said softly. “Irina understands now. She won’t go near that man again. Let me talk to my daughter.”

“Chertovski glupyy ublyudok.”

His words stung. He called me a stupid bastard. Bakit ganoon? Bakit ang bilis n’yang itanggi ako bilang anak n’ya? Alam ko naman na hindi n’ya talaga ako tunay na anak. Ni walang isang patak ng dugo ng pagiging Morozova sa ’kin.

I grew up with him. He gave me his name. He introduced me as his own daughter. That was how everybody thought.

I did everything to be a good daughter to him. And it was so freaking hard. Kasi pakiramdam ko, dobleng effort ang kailangan kong gawin. Hindi katulad ni Yulia na kaunting bagay lang, ipinagmamalaki n’ya kaagad. Samantalang ako, parang hirap na hirap n’yang maipagmalaki.

Although I understand. Yulia is his own blood. His real daughter. Tapos ako hindi. I should be the one to exert more effort so he could be proud of me. Gusto ko ring maipagmalaki n’ya ako. Na makabilang sa perfect family ng Morozova.

But now… I just realized that after everything I did, he didn’t really treat me as his daughter. Kasi ang bilis n’ya na lang sabihin na anak ako ni Mommy dahil may ginawa akong hindi n’ya nagustuhan. That I wasn’t his. And that I am a bastard.

He only wanted me when I was the best. But he didn’t want an imperfect me.

“What’s wrong with the Romanovs, Dad?” I asked.

Nakita ko ang gulat ni Mommy dahil sa pagtatanong kong ’yon. She gave me a look of warning pero hindi ko s’ya pinansin. Nakatingin lang ako kay Daddy na naniningkit ang mga mata sa ’kin ngayon.

“They’re a very powerful and rich family. They have a lot of business.” Pigil na pigil ko ang panginginig ng boses ko. “What’s wrong with them?”

Dad looked at me as if I’d grown two heads.

“Are you seriously asking me that?” hindi makapaniwala n’yang tanong.

“I just don’t understand,” I said. “You even said yourself that a lot of people want to do business with the Romanovs because they’re a highly influential family. They have lots of connections. So, I don’t know what your problem with them.”

“I’m not one of those people, Irina. The last thing I want is to be associated with the Bratva!”

Hindi kaagad ako nakapagsalita sa sobrang gulat. I just stared at him, my mouth gaping and my eyes were wide. For a moment, it felt like time had stopped and it made me so uncomfortable. Mas lalo akong nanlamig. Mas lalo akong kinabahan.

Naalala ko pa ang dahilan na ibinigay sa ’kin ni Daddy kung bakit gusto n’yang layuan ko si Killian. Ang mga Romanov. Because he heard rumors that they engaged in illegal activities. He never said anything about the Bratva.

So… why? How did he know that? Kasama lang ba iyon sa mga rumor na narinig n’ya?

But then, people talk. Walls have ears.

Besides, it doesn’t seem like the Romanovs were keeping that fact.

Natigilan din si Daddy. He stared at me for a while. And then, his expression changed. He looked as if he saw something on my face.

“You knew, didn’t you?” he asked. “You knew about them being the Bratva.”

I couldn’t find my voice. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t lie.

Hurry… I should deny it. I should.

Nang hindi ko pa rin magawang makapagsalita, nakita ko ang mas lumalang galit sa mga mata ni Dad. He wasn’t just angry. He was extremely disappointed. And I think that was what shattered my heart into pieces.

Kasi lahat ng mga nagawa ko, lahat ng mga achievement ko, iyong paghihirap ko para maipagmalaki nila ako finally… Nabalewala na ang lahat ng ’yon ngayon.

“You disappointed me,” he even said. Para bang gusto n’ya talagang malaman ko kung ano’ng nararamdaman n’ya.

“Dad…” My lips trembled.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Irina…” He took a deep breath. Pagkatapos ay nailing na muling napatingin sa ’kin. “Dating a man like that… Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“Killian is a good man, Dad…”

Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought how ridiculous that sounded as soon as I said it. Of course, Killian was far from being a good man. I’ve seen things he did. I’ve seen the look in his eyes. I saw how many firearms and weapons he owned.

“You will stop dating him. You will stay away from that man and his family,” Dad said enunciating every word as he looked at me intently. “Do you understand, Irina?”

May pagrerebelde sa loob ng dibdib ko pagkatapos noon. I didn’t nod just like what I used to do kapag may ipinapagawa sila sa ’kin. Kaya siguro napakunoot-noo si Daddy dahil sa hindi ko agad pagtango. He looked at Mom, which I also did, and as soon as I saw the warning in her eyes wanting me to obey my father, I felt something click inside me.

“No,” I said, looking at Dad. “I won’t.”

“Irina!” rinig kong saway ni Mommy pero hindi ko s’ya pinansin.

I don’t know… But there was this fire in my chest that wanted to get out, pushing me to act this way. Mas lumalaki iyon kapag sinasaway ako ni Mommy. My hands were even trembling, no, my whole body was trembling dahil sa pagpipigil kong kumawala iyon nang husto.

“What did you say?” hindi makapaniwala ang tingin sa ’kin ni Daddy.

I even shook my head while staring straight into his eyes. Para malaman n’yang hindi magbabago ang desisyon ko.

“I love Killian. And I will not stay away from him.”

Ilang sandaling nakatitig lang sa ’kin si Daddy. And then he chuckled. Napasulyap pa s’ya kay Mommy.

“Can you— Are you hearing this, Catherine?” He looked at me again. “Have you really gone mad?”

“Andrei, please… You’re both upset. I’ll talk to Irina, okay?”

“No, Mom. You can’t change my mind.”

Hindi nakapagsalita si Mommy. Mukhang nagugulat sa inaasta ko ngayon. Kahit din naman ako. I didn’t know that I would be like this. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan nagmumula ang pagrerebeldeng nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko na mapigilan. It was as if I would go crazy if I wouldn’t let this out.

Maybe… Maybe I got tired of just saying yes to them. Just once, I wanted to say no. Gusto ko namang unahin ang sarili ko, ang gusto ko.

“So, that’s it then. You’re choosing that man over this family.” Hindi makapaniwalang natawa si Daddy bago napailing. “I’m not sure what has gotten into you. You were never like this. Maybe that man has complete control of you now, huh?”

“Or maybe I just got tired of wanting to be perfect and trying to fit into this beautiful family.”

Muli kong narinig ang pagsinghap ni Mommy.

“Irina! Stop this right now!”

I looked at her. Puno ng hinanakit ang dibdib ko.

“Why, Mom? Don’t I have any right to say what I wanted? To say what I’ve been keeping for so long? This is my life! I can do what I want! I can love any man! I can love Killian!”

“You make it sound like you have strict parents who’re always stopping you,” Dad said. Ramdam ko ang pinipigilan n’yang galit. “When I have done that, huh? When did I stop you from doing what you wanted? I even supported you with your business!”

“Yes! And I’m so grateful for that, Dad… But you also make me feel like I couldn’t and shouldn’t make any mistakes even if it wasn’t intentional. I got scared of doing something wrong because that would only mean that I didn’t really fit in this family. Because you’re all perfect I would only taint the glorious name of Morozova.”

Nanlabo ang paningin ko. Ang paninikip ng dibdib ko ay mas lumala. I tried to fight my tears because every time I cry, I would have a hard time speaking. Gusto kong mailabas ang lahat ng hinanakit na itinago ko lang. Now that I was finally given the chance to.

“What are you saying?” Magkasalubong na ang mga kilay ni Daddy. “I gave you my name! You will always be a Morozova, no matter what.”

I sobbed. May tumulong luha sa mata ko at mabilis ko ’yong pinunasan. I should’ve felt good hearing that pero mas lalo lang akong nasaktan.

“No…” I shook my head. “That’s not how you made me feel. I’m just a Morozova when I’m perfect or when I’m doing good… Or when I have achievements that you could be proud of. But whenever I make mistakes or do something you didn’t want, you’re so quick to treat me like an outsider. You’re so quick to say that I’m just my mother’s daughter.”

Narinig ko ang paghikbi ni Mommy at saka ko lang na-realize na umiiyak na s’ya. Mas lalo tuloy akong napaiyak at hindi ko na mapigilan ang paghikbi.

“I always feel so alone in this family, Dad… You’re a successful businessman. Mom was a famous model in her time and she still has connections in the industry. And Yulia’s such a perfect daughter.” I smiled sadly. “While I am an outsider pretending to be perfect and successful as well. But no matter what I do, I will never fit into this family because I don’t even have any ounce of Morozova’s blood in me.”

“Irina, no…” sabi ni Mommy sa gitna ng paghikbi. “Family isn’t always blood. You have a successful career now but even without that, we still love you.”

I looked at her. I wanted to believe what she said so bad, I swear, right at this moment, there was nothing in this world that I wanted to believe as much as this… But I couldn’t.

Because that wasn’t what I felt. That wasn’t how they made me feel.

Before I didn’t believe in the saying action speaks louder than words. Kasi ang paniniwala ko, iba-iba naman ang mga tao. People have different ways of expressing themselves. Hindi pareho-pareho ang lahat. Some were physically affectionate but found it hard to say what they felt, mostly because of embarrassment. While others were vocal with their feelings but didn’t know how to express them through actions. And then some didn’t know how to express their emotions at all, keeping it entirely to themselves and people mostly misunderstood them.

But in my case… napatunayan kong totoo pala ang kasabihang ’yon.

“Do you know what I think with everything that I’ve achieved, Mom?” I tried to smile but failed. Nanginig ang mga labi ko. “That I don’t deserve it. That they aren’t supposed to be mine. Because after everything, I didn’t even learn a single thing.”

“What do you mean? You received so many awards, Irina! You aced your class!” Mom insisted pero muli akong umiling.

“No… I never learned anything in life because I was too afraid of making a mistake. And I’m becoming more terrified with every passing day because I feel like I’m already at the top and if I stumble even a little, I would fall so badly that I wouldn’t know how to climb back up. And you wouldn’t even be there for me because you only wanted the perfect me.”

Mas lalong lumakas ang pag-iyak ko na nauwi sa hagulhol. I covered my face with my palms, trying to muffle my cries while calming myself down. I still have so many things I wanted to say. And I wouldn’t be able to properly say it kung hahayaan ko lang ang sarili kong umiyak.

God… I felt horrible. Ayoko silang sumbatan. I love my parents so much and I knew that I should be grateful to have them.

Pero siguro… Napuno na rin ng hinanakit ang dibdib ko. And I couldn’t keep it all in anymore. Paran iyong gripong nabuksan at tuloy-tuloy ang agos palabas that I began having a hard time to turn it off.

I took my hands off my face and saw my parents looking at me. Si Mommy ay umiiyak pa rin while there wasn’t any expression on my dad’s face. Nakatingin lang s’ya sa ’kin at pinapanood akong umiyak.

I gave him a sad smile.

“So, maybe you’re right, Dad…” I said between my sobs. “I’m stupid. I’m a brainless bastard that’s not good enough for this family.”

His jaw clenched. He looked like he was going to say something pero bumuntong-hininga na lang at umiling. Pinunasan ko na ang mga luha ko at huminga nang malalim para matigil na ang paghikbi ko.

“I’m sorry but I think I can’t do what you want this time, Dad… I don’t want to break up with Killian. I love him.”

Dad looked at me. His face was still void of emotions as he stared at me. Mukhang hindi man lang naapektuhan sa pag-iyak ko. And it hurt so much kasi naisip na baka… baka hindi n’ya nga talaga ako itinuring na anak kaya halos wala man lang akong nakitang pagsuyo sa mukha n’ya ngayon.

“Then, leave, Irina…” he said. His tone was hard. “If you’re determined to do what you want, go ahead and do it. But as soon as you leave this house, I’ll assume you chose that man above this family… And I’m going to disown you.”

I stilled. Hindi ko yata naintindihan ang sinabi ni Daddy at nahirapan pa ang utak kong unawain iyon. For a moment, my mind couldn’t process what he said. I just stared at him, hoping that he would take back his words, hoping that I heard him wrong but he just kept on looking at me with challenge in his. At nang marinig ko ang nagpa-panic na boses ni Mommy, saka ko lang napagtanto na totoo nga ang mga narinig ko.

“Andrei, no!” Napahawak na si Mommy sa braso ni dad. “Don’t do this. Just let me talk to her first, please. She’s tired. She’s not in her right mind. She’s overwhelmed with everything. Please, Andrei. Don’t disown her. She’s our daughter!”

My throat hurt as I tried to stop my tears pero tumulo pa rin ang luha sa mga mata ko. But I didn’t look away from my dad. Kahit na ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib ko. Kahit sobra ang pagrerebeldeng nararamdaman ko, I tried to think carefully first. Kahit sobrang hirap.

God… I never thought that a day would come like this. Kung may magsasabi sa ’king balang-araw ay susuway ako sa mga magulang ko to the point that they will disown, pagtatawanan ko ang magsasabi sa ’kin noon. Because I was an obedient child. I didn’t want to do anything they wouldn’t want. Sinabi ko sa sarili kong susundin ko ang anumang gusto nila. Because that was when I only felt like I’ve belonged in their family.

Nagbago ang lahat nang makilala ko si Killian. Natuto akong sumuway. I started to lie to my parents. I hid things from them and did things I knew they wouldn’t approve of. Isinikreto ko ang relasyon naming ni Killian sa kanila. I started to rebel.

It sounded bad. Killian is clearly a bad influence on me. But… those days I’ve been with him; those times we were together were the most exhilarating moments in my life. I felt happy. I felt free. I felt… courageous. Kasi kaya ko pa lang gawin ang mga bagay na ’yon. Pwede pala… Kaya ko pa lang maging malakas.

Would I risk losing all of that and go back to being an obedient daughter? Iyong palagi lang sumusunod sa gusto ng mga magulang? Palaging takot gumawa ng mga bagay. Palaging nag-iingat na baka hindi magustuhan ng mga magulang ang gagawin? Na nakasalalay lang ang lahat ng mga kilos sa kung ano’ng magugustuhan nila?

No, I can’t… Ngayong nakatikim ako ng kaunting kalayaan, ayoko nang pakawalan ’yon.

Pero wala naman kasi akong ginagawang masama…

I looked at my dad. Mas lalong bumuhos ang mga luha ko. I never thought that I’d do something like this.

Dad saw my answer before I could even say it. I saw pain and disappointment in his eyes na mas nagpaiyak lang sa ’kin.

“I’m sorry,” I said. Hirap na hirap ako dahil nagsimula na naman akong humikbi. “I’m so sorry. I’ll leave pero Dad… Mom… I love you both so much.”

I looked around the house, thinking that it was the last time. Sa hagdan ay nakita ko si Yulia, nakatayo sa huling baiting. I didn’t know how long she was there but she was crying silently. Malungkot ko s’yang nginitian bago nagsimulang naglakad palabas ng bahay.

I was doing something wrong. I was aware of it as I walked out of the gate. Ipinagpalit ko ang pamilya ko sa isang lalaki. Hindi ko akalaing magagawa ko ang bagay ’to.

God, I love them. I love my family. Pero… mali bang maging makasarili kahit isang beses lang? I did everything they wanted all my life. Gusto ko namang piliin ang sarili ko ngayon.

“Irina!”

Napatigil ako nang humabol sa ’kin si Mommy palabas ng gate. Hinawakan n’ya ako sa mga braso at hinarap sa kanya. She was crying. Her elegant face was full of tears and I was the reason for it.

“Mom…”

“Don’t leave, okay? Let’s go back inside. Your father will forgive you. Just apologize to him. Come… Let go inside.”

Umiling ako. Ang mga luha ay patuloy pa rin sa pagbuhos mula sa mga mata ko. I could see the panic and distress in my mother’s eyes.

“I can’t, Mom…”

“What are you saying?” she hissed. “You can! Don’t be like this. Come on. Don’t worry about your father.”

Muli akong umiling nang sunod-sunod. I sobbed. Nahihirapan na akong huminga dahil sunod-sunod na naman ang paghikbi ko.

“I’m tired, Mom…”

“That’s why we need to get inside so you can take a rest. Please, Irina…”

“I’m sorry…” I sobbed. Ilang sandali akong hindi nakapagsalita at humihikbi lang. “I’m sorry. I’m so tired. And I think I’d get more exhausted if I just go back inside.”

I was already ugly crying. Ngayon lang ako umiyak nang ganitong kalala sa buong ko. Humahagulhol na ako sa kabila ng paghikbi. And Mom was crying too.

“I’m sorry, Mom… Pero matagal ko na po kayong sinusuway ni Daddy.”

Nakita ko ang gulat sa mga mata ni Mommy sa lengwaheng ginamit ko. She looked shocked for a while before I saw betrayal in her eyes.

“What…?”

“I’ve been talking with Lola kapag nasa place po ako ni Killian. That’s why I love going to his place. Kasi nakakausap ko po si Lola.”

Napabitiw sa ’kin si Mommy. She took a step backward, shaking her head. Hindi makapaniwala sa mga narinig mula sa ’kin.

But I need to let this out. I felt so guilty. Pero hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang mga ginawa ko.

“Pagod na pagod na kasi, Mom… Pagod na ’ko sa mga pagsunod sa inyo. Pagod na ’kong gawin kung ano lang ang gusto n’yo.”

“I was never strict with you, Irina,” mariin ang bawat salitang pagkakasabi ni Mommy. Her eyes widening at me.

“I know… But I feel like everything I’ve done was to only impress you. Kayo ni Daddy. Kasi, Mom, iyon ang gusto mo. Pinaramdam mo sa ’kin na dapat lahat ng gagawin ko, ’yung magugustuhan lang ni Daddy. Dapat ’wag kong gawin ’yung mga ayaw n’ya, kasi ayaw mong magalit s’ya. Magagalit ka rin sa ’kin. Dalawa na kayong magagalit.” I cried. “Mom… Pakiramdam ko inilaan ko ang buong buhay ko para lang sa mga ayaw at gusto n’yo. I’ve never got the chance to live for myself.”

I cried hard. I’ve never felt this restrained before. Akala ko, ayos lang sa ’kin ang lahat. Na makukuntento na ’ko sa mga ginagawa ko. Pero darating din pala talaga ’yung oras na mapupuno ka kapag may mali. Small things got bigger as time went by until you couldn’t take it anymore.

“And because of that, Mom… I feel like I have to tiptoe every time around you and Dad. Living in that house was never comfortable for me. Takot na takot akong makagawa ng bagay na hindi n’yo gusto. Takot na takot akong magkamali.”

“That’s not how—” She sobbed. Hindi na n’ya naituloy ang sasabihin at napatakip na lang ang kamay sa bibig.

“You said that I should enjoy my studies. That I should enjoy reaching my dreams. Pero hindi po ako nag-enjoy. Natakot lang ako. I tried so hard to fulfill my dream not because it was my dream but because I wanted to impress you and Dad. Because you made me feel that I could only be a Morozova if I get to impress Dad.”

“Is that why you’re leaving? Is that why you chose to be with that man? What did he even do for you, huh?”

I sniffed. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko gamit ang likod ng mga palad ko. I was still sobbing but I was glad that I could still talk.

“Nothing… He did nothing. He just let me do what I really wanted.” I smiled bitterly. “Inilalayan n’ya ko, Mom. Hinayaan n’ya akong magkamali at matuto sa pagkakamali kong ’yon. But he never made me feel alone.”

“Your Dad gave you everything, Irina. Even his name. He gave you family. I did everything so you can have a family.” Muling napaiyak si Mommy. “Please, don’t ruin it for something like this.”

I took a deep breath. I looked at her in the eye.

“Mom… With everything that happened, I think it was much better kung lumaki na lang po akong walang kinikilalang ama.”

It hurt her. I knew it hurt her. Kitang-kita ko iyon sa mga mata n’ya. Her face crumbled. More tears flowed down her eyes.

“Ungrateful child,” mahina n’yang sabi. But the night was silent so I clearly heard it. Rinig ko ang sobrang hinanakit sa boses n’ya.

Muli akong napahikbi. Mom just stared at me. Extreme pain was in her eyes. Pagkatapos ay umiling at walang salitang tinalikuran ako at bumalik na sa loob ng bahay.

I stood there, crying my heart out. I hurt her. Alam ko at naiintindihan ko naman si Mommy. I know why she pressured me to impress Dad. Because she thought he did us a favor. Na tinanggap pa rin ako ni Daddy kahit hindi ako tunay na anak. So, Mom pressured me to do everything he wanted and not to disobey him. Kasi ayaw n’yang pagsisihan ni Daddy ang ginawa n’yang pag-ampon sa ’kin.

But it was tiring. Pakiramdam ko, naubos. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. Kasi ang mga gusto lang nila ang naging goal kong gawin. I was always saying that being a fashion designer was my dream. Pero hindi ba at ginusto ko lang din gawin iyon para maramdaman na kabilang ako sa mundo ni Mommy?

I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I hailed a cab. At kahit na takot pa rin akong sumakay ng taxi, nagpahatid ako sa place ni Killian. Isinantabi ko ang takot ko dahil mas malakas ang kagustuhan kong makita agad si Killian.

The men guarding the basement and the whole building just let me pass. Kilala na nila kung sino ako kaya kahit ano’ng oras ay nakakapunta ako sa penthouse ni Killian. I went inside the elevator at mabilis na lumabas nang makarating na iyon sa penthouse.

Darkness surrounded the living room and the only source of light was from the moonlight casting through the big glass wall. I was expecting to find Killian upstairs pero nang makarinig ako ng pagkilos mula sa kusina ay dumiretso ako roon.

I saw Killian pouring alcohol on a rock glass. He was only wearing gray sweatpants so his tattoos were on full display. Napatigil s’ya sa pagsasalin ng alak nang makita ako. He put down the glass on the countertop and looked at me.

“Irina?” He must’ve noticed my expression as he frowned. “Something happened.”

I didn’t say anything. Nanginginig ang mga labing naglakad ako palapit sa kanya. I practically threw myself at him, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and buried my face in his neck.

I inhaled his scent. Agad akong nakaramdam ng pagkakalma nang yakapin n’ya ako pabalik at maramdaman ko ang init ng katawan n’ya.

“Who should I kill?” he asked. His voice was etched with darkness.

Sa kabila ng lahat ay napangiti ako. Mas lalo kong hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa kanya at mas ibinaon ang mukha sa leeg n’ya.

“I fought for you,” I mumbled.

May ilang sandaling natigilan si Killian. Then I felt him hug me tighter and kiss my hair.

I sobbed. Muli kong naramdaman ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko kaya ipinikit ko iyon.

“Sshh…” He caressed my back. The gesture just made me cry even more.

“I fought for you, Killian. And I felt so bad that I don’t regret it even a bit.”

Muling hinalikan ni Killian ang buhok ko. Mas nagtagal iyon ngayon habang patuloy pa rin s’ya sa paghaplos sa likod ko.

God… I love him so much.

“I got you…” he whispered. “Everything’s gonna be alright.”

I leaned my whole weight on him as I suddenly felt exhausted. Killian took me in his arms as my face was still buried in his neck.

He planted another soft kiss on my head.

“Let me handle everything. Don’t worry, okay?”

I nodded, relieved that I had someone like him.

“I got you, love,” he murmured. “I got you.”

Chapter 38

WARNING: R18

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The days I spent with Killian were the most liberating I’ve ever felt. I was free to do anything. I didn’t have to worry about anything else. It was exhilarating and fulfilling. Nagagawa ko ang kahit ano’ng gusto ko nang hindi nag-aalala kung ayaw o gusto ba ng mga magulang ko ang ginagawa ko.

That was why I have been calling my Lola every day. Palagi kaming magkausap. My longing for her lessened but of course, I still preferred kung sa personal ko s’ya makikita dahil sabik pa rin ako sa mga yakap n’ya.

I didn’t tell her about what happened though. I wasn’t stupid to do that. I didn’t want her to worry.

Killian was very supportive. He was all out on showing his support, giving me everything I needed. Kahit hindi ko hinihingi sa kanya, ibinibigay n’ya agad.

There was one time when he sponsored my fashion show and after-party. Wala akong inilabas na pera, not even a penny, and I didn’t even have to worry about anything else. He took care of everything so I could focus on my designs for the collection I would present at the fashion show.

When a rumor about us dating started circulating when the press spotted him at one of my events and posted it online, that post was quickly taken down along with the others. Lahat ng balitang related doon ay biglang nawala kaya naman hindi gaanong tumagal ang rumor na ’yon.

It wasn’t just a rumor, but my guess was that Killian took care of it. It actually surprised me though, I thought he’d be in favor of it. He appeared to be someone who wanted to stake a claim to his possession, to tell the entire world about it so no one would try to take it away from him. So, everybody would know that it was his.

But I guess he was being considerate of me. I didn’t tell him what happened that night but he already got the gist of it. He didn’t want me to worry about anything. I think he wanted me to adjust first.

When he told me he would handle everything, he was telling the truth.

I’m glad I have him. I’m glad I fought for him.

I know I should feel guilty. I chose Killian over my parents. Minsan naiisip ko na totoo ang sinabi ni Mommy, that I am ungrateful. Pero kapag naiisip ko kung paano ako naging sobrang masaya nang makasama ko si Killian, nang hindi na sila inaalala, I told to myself that I deserve this. That I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

I still couldn’t believe that I would do something like this, that I would defy my parents, as all I wanted was to impress them and to follow everything they wanted. I was the obedient daughter. I’ve been living all my life with that goal that I’ve forgotten what I really wanted.

But then, this is really happening. Wala nga akong pinagsisisihan. I was… contented.

It was as if I was given the chance to break free and I grabbed it and didn’t let it go. As if that thought and feeling was buried deep inside me and Killian gave it the chance to get out. I rebelled. He made me realize that I could do this. That this is what I really wanted.

Ah… Maybe the darkness I’ve been keeping hidden became drawn into his darkness. Gusto ring kumawala. It also wants me to lose myself. To turn away from what appeared to be goodness or what was right

I have darkness in me, just like everybody else, but Killian woke mine.

I got out of the cab and I smiled at the guard who opened the door for me. He even greeted me as I went inside the building. Mukhang namumukhaan na ako sa may ilang beses na pagpunta ko rito.

I went to Romanov’s Global Group company as I wanted to get inspiration for my next designs. Nandito kasi si Killian. I tried working at my place but I couldn’t get any ideas as I kept on thinking of him. So, naisip ko na baka makakapagtrabaho ako nang maayos kapag kasama ko s’ya.

It was one of those days when Killian was working atn the company. Ang alam ko kasi, maraming business ng mga Romanov ang mina-manage n’ya, together with Serj. Pero rito sila madalas at doon sa isang club where Killian said all transactions and negotiations were taken care of.

Nginitian lang ako ng receptionist na mukhang sanay na rin sa palagi kong pagbisita rito at kapag isinasama ako ni Killian. So, she didn’t stop me when I went straight to the elevator for the executives. Sinabihan rin naman ako ni Killian na ito ang gamitin ko kapag pupuntahan ko s’ya rito.

I pushed the button and waited for the elevator to go up from the basement parking. Ilang sandali lang akong naghintay when the doors finally opened. But I stilled. I couldn’t move my feet as my gaze landed on those blue eyes. I immediately felt cold. It was as if I was looking at the coldest thing that ever existed.

I came face-to-face with Serj Romanov.

I heard a low baritone chuckle that was so familiar to me and my eyes moved to the man beside Serj. It was Killian and he had an amused smirk on his sexy lips. And the chill that I was already feeling intensified.

Holy shit. I already saw them together at the university but nothing compared to whatever fear I felt now. I knew that Serj was a powerful and vicious man but the years that went by made him more intense. And seeing the Romanov brothers together in this confined, small space, I wasn’t prepared for the raging violence I felt from their presence.

They were so different from each other, but everybody could tell they were deadly. Serj was calm, but the threatening aura was still there, ready to strike. While Killian was impatient as if he was always starving for blood, for violence, and nothing could satisfy him.

They were both wearing all-black three-piece business suits. They looked like fine gentlemen. But scary… and ready to kill.

Magsasara na sana ang pinto but Serj pushed a button to hold the doors open. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay nasa loob ng bulsa ng pantalon habang ang isa ay nanatili sa elevator button. He raised an eyebrow at me and I almost stepped back knowing that his focus was on me.

I heard another chuckle from Killian.

“Come here, Irina.”

I looked at Killian. He was holding his hand out to me. Looking for comfort and safety, I immediately took his hand and went inside the elevator, doon sa gilid, sa tabi ni Killian para hindi ko makatabi si Serj. I leaned my body to him, wanting to feel his warmth so I would know that he was really beside me and I was thankful when Killian snaked his arm around my waist. I didn’t try to look at Serj anymore and prayed na makarating kaagad sa floor ang elevator.

Goodness… So, this is how it feels to be in the presence of the Pakhan , the Bratva’s head.

It was nerve-wracking.

And Killian, the man who really likes torturing someone, smirked at me na para bang may plano s’yang asarin ako.

“Hey, boss,” he called Serj.

Nag-panic ako! I glared at him to warn him but he didn’t even look at me. Ngising-ngisi s’ya habang nakatingin kay Serj.

“What?” Serj asked. Even his tone was calm but it sent chills down my spine. Mabuti na lang at nakatingin s’ya sa harap. Baka himatayin na ako kung tingnan n’ya pa ako.

“Remember Irina? You met her a few years back during our senior year.”

I gasped. I jabbed Killian on his side using my elbow to stop him. He playfully grunted, mukhang hindi naman nasaktan at mas hinapit lang ako palapit sa katawan n’ya.

Serj turned to look at me and I flinched when I met his gaze. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya.

“Yeah…” I heard him say. “The woman you couldn’t stop talking about.”

Malakas na natawa si Killian. Bwisit na bwisit naman ako. Para kasing hindi n’ya nahahalata ’yung takot ko kay Serj.

“That’s classified information, boss!” Killian said, still chuckling.

Serj clicked his tongue. Muli s’yang tumingin sa ’kin and I almost looked away again if not for the humor I saw in his eyes.

“He’s always talking about you that my ears almost bleed. I think that’s his plan.” He glared at his brother. “I wish I could rip his mouth off.”

Killian laughed again and I smiled at how carefree he looked with his brother. As if he was really comfortable around him.

“C’mon, boss… I know you love me too much to do that.”

“Stop fucking calling me ‘boss!’”

“See?” Killian’s smirk was so wide. “You even treat me as your family.”

Serj gave him the what-the-fuck look.

“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re my family.”

Hindi na nakasagot si Killian dahil bumukas na ang pinto ng elevator nang makarating na kami sa executive floor. Naunang lumabas si Serj and I glanced at Killian. He was still smirking but there was an emotion in his green eyes that he tried to hide but failed to.

Mas lalo akong napangiti pero maya-maya ay nabawasan din. I was happy for him. I knew his story and somehow… even though Serj was genuinely treating him as his brother, it seemed like Killian wanted to repay him in every way. He was so loyal to him and was ready to do everything for his brother. Kahit na mukhang wala namang problema kay Serj kung makabawi man s’ya o hindi. Serj still sees Killian as his real family.

And somehow… I envy Killian. He got something I ever wanted. A family that he feels belonged to. A family that accepted him for who he was.

Kaya nga ganoon na lang ang effort ni Killian para makabawi. He was willing to do anything for them, not because he thought that the Romanov would discard him if he failed, but because they treated him as family.

“Don’t forget about the meeting at two, Killian,” sabi ni Serj nang nasa harap na kami ng office.

“Oh, no. You have a meeting?” I asked.

I shouldn’t have come here. Mukhang maiistorbo ko lang yata s’ya. Pinilit ko na lang sana ang sarili kong makapag-isip ng idea para sa next collection na ilalabas ko.

“Don’t worry. It’s just a conference call. I’ll do it in my office,” Killian said when he sensed my worries. He even planted a kiss in my hair.

“Wouldn’t I disturb you? I mean, your focus should be on the meeting alone.”

“Killian will be fine, Irina,” sabi ni Serj kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. “I assure you. He won’t stand a chance in our world if he can’t even do something as simple as paying attention to two things at once.”

I looked away from him. Nakakatakot talaga ang tingin n’ya.

“I just don’t want to be a bother.”

I heard Serj chuckle. Muntik na akong mag-angat ng tingin. It was a light chuckle that somehow eased my nervousness and fear of him.

“You won’t. You’ll even help him. Stop worrying, alright?”

When he gave my shoulder a light tap, I looked at him again. Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kanya. There was a faint smile on his lips, wanting to reassure me. The threatening look and aura were still there, hindi na yata mawawala ’yon, but I knew that this time, he wanted to ease my worries.

With my lips quivering out of fear, I tried to smile at him as genuinely as I could.

“Okay…”

Serj smiled at me before he looked at Killian. He nodded at him before he finally went inside his office.

“Let’s go?” Killian asked and I smiled at him as I nodded.

He put his hand on the small of my back as we walked towards his office. Napatayo ang secretary n’ya nang makita kami. He greeted us and Killian nodded at him in recognition.

“Don’t let anyone in. I don’t want to be disturbed.”

His secretary nodded.

“Yes, Sir.”

“I thought you could concentrate on two things at a time?” I asked when we were finally in his office.

He glanced at me before he walked toward the coat hanger, unbuttoning his coat.

“Even three… four,” he shrugged his coat off and hung it on the coat hanger. “It doesn’t even matter how many.”

I flopped myself on the sofa and watched him unbutton his cuffs. He started folding his sleeves to his elbows and I got a glimpse of the tattoos on his forearms.

Lucky… I’m getting free fanservice here.

“You just told your secretary not to let anyone in because you didn’t want to be disturbed. I’m here and I might disturb you.”

Nag-angat na ako nang tingin sa kanya at nakita kong titig na titig s’ya sa ’kin. Then the side of his lips curled upward. His smirk told me that he caught me checking him out. I just scrunched my nose at him.

God… Even his smirk was so sexy… I want him in every way.

“You’re my woman, Irina… Not just anyone.” He crouched down in front of me. “What? You don’t believe what Serj said?”

Ilang sandali ko muna s’yang tinitigan. Seeing this man getting down for me was such a sight to behold. I mean, he’s a powerful man and with a look that was so out of this world. Looking at him like this boosts my self-confidence.

Like… I’m someone who can make him do something like this.

“That’s not it but…” I frowned. “Even I couldn’t focus on two things at the same time. That’s why I’m here because you keep popping into my mind and I couldn’t even think of any ideas for my designs.”

Killian chuckled at my honesty. I didn’t want to hide anything from him. That’s what I’ve learned from having this relationship with him. He likes it when I don’t keep secrets and when I’m being honest with him.

I felt his hands on my thighs. They stayed there for a moment before he started caressing them in slow motion. Umaabot ang haplos n’ya mula sa mga tuhod ko hanggang sa gilid ng balakang ko. I was wearing a white bodycon ruched dress that hugged my body like a second skin kaya naman ramdam na ramdam ko ang bawat haplos ni Killian, especially since the skirt reached mid-thigh na mas umangat nang maupo ako. The dress has a square neck and long-sleeved style, showing a bit of my cleavage.

“I should prove it to you then,” he said. He was still caressing my thighs. Bahagya pang pumasok ang mga daliri n’ya sa loob ng skirt bago tumuloy ang haplos pataas sa bewang ko. He was tempting me and I knew he could see on my face how much he was affecting me.

I smiled at him. My lips parted as I took a deep breath.

“How?” I asked, already breathless with the sensation that he was giving me.

I was rewarded with his sexy and low chuckle.

“Later…” Tumigil ang mga kamay n’ya sa bewang ko. “Have you eaten your lunch?”

I nodded.

“I ate before I went here… You?”

Tumango rin s’ya.

“Serj had a lunch meeting. That’s why we were out.”

Oh… Sakto lang pala ang pagdating ko.

“Your brother’s scary,” pag-amin ko. “It feels like he’s going to attack me if I offend him even just a bit.”

Natawa si Killian. It was one of those laughs where he didn’t sound menacing. It was a genuine laugh. ’Yung parang walang masamang pinaplano. And it just told me how much he cared for his brother.

“He has to. He’s the head of the Bratva. He has to instill his power all of the time. Otherwise, enemies will think that he’s weak.”

“Does he have a lot of enemies?”

“Yes,” mabilis na sagot ni Killian. “And they’re just waiting to attack the moment Serj shows any weakness… It was hard for him at first though. He had a hard time securing his spot as the head of the Bratva. He’s not a pure Russian and others view that as a weakness.”

“He’s not?” gulat kong tanong. I mean, every Serj’s features were so Russian.

Killian nodded.

“His mother is not a Russian. And the worst thing is that she left him. She left them.”

Killian’s eyes darkened. It almost looked black and I felt a chill slither through my spine. He had a calm look on his face but his eyes said otherwise. There was turmoil inside them. Parang pinipigilan n’ya lang ang galit n’ya. As if he was on the verge of going unhinged.

“So, Serj had to crawl his way to the top and show everyone that those things wouldn’t affect the Bratva when he became the head,” he continued. “Which he successfully did. He proved to the enemies that he was someone they shouldn’t dare cross. And that no one should touch the family.”

I nodded and didn’t say anything. I agree with that. I could see that. Iyon nga lang tingnan ko si Serj, hindi ko na magawa. He looked downright scary. Anyone who would cross him is stupid and probably has a death wish.

But then… I think Killian helped with how the Romanov looks right now. He has his brother’s back. All hell will break loose kapag may kumalaban sa kanilang dalawa.

“But you don’t have to worry about my brother. He won’t hurt you. He would even protect you knowing that you’re my woman.”

I looked at Killian. There was still darkness in his eyes that made me gulp.

“It should be me that you should be worried about,” he said. His voice was low, promising danger. He even smirked at me which made my heart race. “Because I’ll surely attack you every chance I get, Irina. No matter where we are. Any-fucking-time.”

Mas lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko dahil sa kaba. But this time, it was mixed with excitement. The darkness I saw in his eyes was because of desire, making his pupils dilate.

He leaned close to me. I sucked in a breath when I was attacked by his woodsy scent. Napahawak ako sa mga balikat n’ya hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang bibig n’ya sa gilid ng tenga ko.

“You look fuckable in that dress, love… And I’ve been dying to do this since I saw you today.”

Bahagya s’yang humiwalay sa ’kin and our gaze met. In a matter of seconds, I didn’t have enough time to prepare myself when his warm lips crashed into mine. I gasped in a breath, surprised by the sensation that came over me as his lips moved against mine as I closed my eyes. But Killian used that chance to insert his wet tongue inside my mouth and invade everything.

Goodness… When he told me that he would attack me anytime, he wasn’t really kidding!

All I could do was surrender as his sinful tongue harshly moved inside my mouth. As if he wanted to devour me and he didn’t want to give me any chance to fight back. I tried to answer his kisses, to match his ferocity, or to at least kiss him back. But I couldn’t. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang ihain lang ang sarili ko sa kanya.

I literally melted against his hold. Napasandal na ako sa sofa para man lang makakuha ng suporta sa pag-atakeng ginagawa n’ya sa bibig ko. I leaned my head on the headrest, tilting a bit and that gave Killian more access for the kiss.

Holy fuck… This would be the death of me.

Itinukod ni Killian ang isa n’yang tuhod sa gilid ko while his other knee nudged my legs apart. He was almost crushing me on the sofa and I even let him do everything he wanted. His warm tongue continued to seek inside my mouth, tempting my tongue to answer back but whenever I tried to, he was shutting me down by deepening the kiss.

I couldn’t even breathe properly. Nagsisimula nang mag-init ang buong katawan ko na mas nagpahirap sa ’kin huminga. But I didn’t want to pull away. I wanted to accept all of his kisses. To take everything of him.

When his lips finally went down my jaw, I gasped in a breath of air. Maingay ang naging pagsinghap ko na nauwi sa pag-ungol nang maramdaman ko ang pagpisil ng kamay n’ya sa isang dibdib ko. While his other hand was on the back of my neck, tilting my head to whatever position he wanted.

“Holy…”

I bit my lower lip when he trailed wet and noisy kisses down my neck. Napaungol ako nang maramdaman ang marahan n’yang pagkagat sa sensitibong parte ng leeg ko. He chuckled against my skin, clearly loving all my reactions to what he was doing to me.

I felt his tongue lick the length of my neck which earned a long moan from me. He sucked on my skin and no matter how good it felt, I tried to think rationally. Nahirapan pa akong dumilat as I was already blinded by my desire for him. I was already breathing so hard but forcing myself to think.

“Please…” I sounded so breathless. “Don’t leave a mark, please…”

“Hmm?” he just hummed and I even heard playfulness from him. Halatang tuwang-tuwa sa pang-aasar sa ’kin.

“Not now, please…”

With the style of my dress, my neck and the top of my chest were fully exposed. I have fair skin kaya kitang-kita kung mag-iiwan ng marka roon si Killian.

“Killian…” saway ko nang magpatuloy s’ya but it sounded like a moan.

He made a low grumble in his throat.

“Alright…”

I almost sighed with relief. But I should’ve known better. I almost forgot that Killian likes to have his way with everything. Ang akala ko ay pinagbigyan n’ya ako sa gusto ko pero may kapalit pala.

He pulled the left sleeve of my dress down with so much force it almost ripped. Bumaba ang kaliwang parte ng damit ko, exposing my left strapless bra. But Killian pulled the cup down and without warning, he inserted my nipple inside his mouth.

“Fuck!” I hissed, unprepared for how harsh he attacked my breast.

Napatingala na lang ako, hinayaan s’ya sa ginagawa n’ya. I stared at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath but my gaze couldn’t even focus as he bit my nipple before sucking it.

“Oh, goodness…”

I couldn’t do anything. I liked the sensation anyway so I just let myself bathe in the feeling. I hugged his head, pulling him closer before I fisted on his hair when I felt his tongue playing with my nipple.

I let out a whimper. I felt so fucking hot with lust. I forced myself to think clearly but it was really hard with this man having his way on my body.

“Killian,” I forced myself to say his name but it sounded like a moan.

Shit.

“Killian,” I tried again.

“Yeah?”

I forced my eyes shut, trying to stop my moan when I felt his mouth vibrate with that single word.

It felt really good…

“You have a meeting,” I softly said, nagtunog bulong nga iyon so I cleared my throat. “Stop. You have a meeting.”

Naramdaman ko ang saglit n’yang pagkakatigil before he sucked my breast so hard, I let out another moan. Pero humiwalay din naman s’ya sa ’kin at tinitigan ako. I almost lost myself when I saw lust in his eyes.

I took a shaky breath.

“You have a meeting,” mas may pwersa kong sabi.

He frowned. He looked pissed before he clicked his tongue.

“ Blyad ,“ he cursed. Mahina akong natawa.

He finally got off me at doon ko lang na-realize na halos nakahiga na pala ako sa sofa. He was so harsh with his moves that I almost got buried there.

Inayos ko ang sarili ko at nag-angat ng tingin nang nanatili lang nakatayo si Killian sa harapan ko. I giggled when I saw in his eyes how much he wanted to continue what we were doing.

“You should prepare for the meeting,” I said giving him an innocent look. “I thought you could concentrate on two things at the same time.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. When he gave me a cocky smirk, I realized my mistake.

“Oh, woman… You shouldn’t have challenged me.”

He finally walked toward his desk and sat down in his swivel chair. When I saw him setting up his laptop, tumayo ako para pumasok sa comfort room sa loob ng office n’ya.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My lips were plum and my hair was disheveled. Napangiti ako at napapailing na inayos ang sarili ko. I stayed there for a while to regain my composure before I went out.

I met Killian’s intense gaze through his eyeglasses. I knew that we were both thinking of what happened at iisa lang ang gusto namin. To continue where we left off. But I heard voices from his laptop telling me that the meeting had already started. Naglakad ako palapit sa sofa para umupo and that was only when Killian finally tore his eyes from me.

I took out my pen and sketchpad from my shoulder bag. Umayos ako ng pagkakaupo sa sofa, with my legs curled up and I used the armrest to support the sketchpad. I held the pen and it hovered on the blank page as I tried to think of an idea.

Knowing that Killian was in the room with me, I felt a surge of inspiration. Instantly, my hand moved as I drew the idea I had in mind.

I smiled. Since the day I defied my parents, I always felt guilty that it was a bad decision. That Killian was a bad influence. I mean, simula nang makilala ko s’ya, I did things that were so out of the ordinary from what I usually do.

But during times like this, it proved to me that I did the right thing. That Killian is my inspiration and I just didn’t want to let go of that. I didn’t want to let go of the person who made me feel complete and let me experience the true meaning of happiness.

“Irina.”

Napatigil ako sa pagguhit dahil sa pagtawag ni Killian. I looked at him. He motioned for me to go near him with two of his fingers.

“What?” I mouthed just in case his mic was on.

“Come here,” he said and I just really hope that he muted his mic.

Nagtataka man ay tumayo ako at lumapit sa kanya. I stopped in front of his desk and he motioned for me to go closer to him with that move again using two of his fingers. For a while, I just stared at the movement as a certain memory popped into my mind.

Really? I felt like I was becoming a pervert.

Lumapit pa ako kay Killian. This time, I stood by his side. He tapped the top surface of his desk. His laptop was more on his left side at walang nakapatong na kahit ano sa right-side ng desk n’ya.

Frowning, I didn’t move.

“What?” I whispered.

“Sit,” he said. His eyes were on the laptop.

Huh…?

Nang hindi ako gumalaw, nag-angat ng tingin sa ’kin si Killian. His eyes looked strict and he looked pissed.

“Sit here, Irina,” he commanded, clearly didn’t like that I needed to be told twice.

I didn’t want to upset him any more so I did what he wanted. Moving his chair more to my side, he held my waist and pulled me toward the end of the table.

I gasped in surprise and quickly shut my mouth. I glanced at his laptop. Killian had his camera off and his mic was muted.

“What are you doing?” I asked when I realized that we wouldn’t be heard from whoever was having this conference call.

Killian looked up at me.

“I told you I’ll prove to you that I could concentrate on two things at a time, right?”

When he showed me his cruel smirk, I immediately had an idea how he would do that. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko lalo na nang pumailalim ang mga kamay n’ya sa skirt ng dress ko.

“Wait, Killian—”

He looked at me with eyes that were telling me I shouldn’t even defy him or I wouldn’t like what would happen. Hindi ganoong kalakas ang loob kong suwayin s’ya kaya binitiwan ko ang kamay n’ya at hinayaan s’ya sa gusto n’yang gawin.

He pulled my undies down with such force that he managed to take it off me with just one move. Napaawang ang mga labi ko nang ibinulsa n’ya iyon.

“You’ll go home without this,” he even said.

“So ruthless…” I mumbled but he just gave me his sexy smirk.

“You have to keep quiet, love… If you don’t want these people to hear your moan while I eat your pussy.” He jerked his head toward his laptop.

My eyes widened.

“What—” I quickly shut my mouth when he pressed a button on his laptop, turning the mic on.

“Yes?” Killian said. He had a savage smirk on his lips.

“What do you think?” I heard someone say from his laptop.

I gritted my teeth. Hindi ko man lang napansin na tinatawag na pala ang pangalan n’ya do’n.

“Mr. Burov, how sure are you that this project is worth our money? The land costs a ton and the area isn’t even favorable for the target market.”

I was surprised. Ni hindi ko iyon naitago at napaawang pa ang mga labi ko. He was focusing on the meeting while talking to me earlier!

Killian bit his lip, stopping a chuckle because of my reaction. But then his smirk widened as he spread my legs and his fingers started playing with my folds.

“So fucking wet,” I read his lips when he mouthed.

Napakagat din ako sa labi ko. I squirmed on my seat and held the edge of the table for support as he continued playing with that part between my legs. I was aware that a person was talking, iyong katawagan ni Killian pero wala akong naiintindihan sa sinasabi n’ya dahil patuloy ang paggalaw ng mga daliri ni Killian.

“We will have to bring out a lot of money for this project. I’m still not convinced how everything will work out,” Killian said.

When his fingers started playing with my clit, I bit my lower lip harder to stop my moan. And it was so freaking hard especially when he inserted a finger inside me. Napahawak ako sa pulsuhan n’ya and I unconsciously tried to pull it out dahil nahihirapan akong pigilan ang ungol ko.

Mukhang hindi nagustuhan ni Killian ang ginagawa ko. He pulled out his finger but spread my legs wider and he positioned himself between them.

“What about the area? Even I wouldn’t consider buying a unit knowing how inaccessible it is. There aren’t any establishments nearby,” Killian said before he lowered his head and started licking my folds.

“Oh, my—” I pursed my lips when I almost moaned.

I could feel Killian’s warm tongue moving as he lapped my folds like an animal starved for water. Hirap na hirap akong pigilan ang ungol ko. His tongue was connecting with my clit with every lick he was giving me. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted him to give my clit more attention that my hips buckled.

Napasabunot ako sa buhok n’ya. He was holding my thighs, preventing me from closing it even a bit, spreading it wider so he had more access. Tumaas na ang skirt ng dress ko papunta sa bewang ko but none of us cared for it. All I could think about was Killian’s expert tongue giving so much attention to my most sensitive part.

Shit. Shit. It was so good. I started breathing heavily with the sensation but immediately closed my mouth when I remembered that someone could hear me. Halos mapamura ako dahil gustong-gusto kong sumigaw sa pagpipigil ng emosyon. The more I kept the sensation in, the more I wanted to scream.

And when Killian inserted his hardened tongue inside, I couldn’t keep moaning anymore.

“Killian…” I tried to keep my moan as much as I could but failed.

“Mr. Romanov?” I heard another person call from his laptop.

Bahagya lang lumayo sa ’kin si Killian but it was enough for me to see his smirk.

“Still here,” he said. “I need to hear others’ opinions too. This is such a big project and I don’t want to waste a penny.”

He resumed what he was doing. He started tongue-fucking me while his thumb played with my clit and it was almost impossible to keep my moans. I covered my mouth with my hands so hard, hoping I wouldn’t make any noise. Kahit na mabibigat na ang paghinga ko na palagay ko ay naririnig na ng mga tao sa conference call na yon.

My inside tightened. Mas lalong naging imposible sa ’kin na pigilan pa ang ungol ko. I knew I was near. My legs started to tremble and I even let out a whimper from my throat.

But Killian really wanted to torture me. He moved his tongue so fast that I almost went crazy. And when he knew that I was going to come, he sucked my clit so hard that I let out a long moan while still covering my mouth. My hands clamped on my mouth so hard as I rode down my orgasm.

Shit! I was sure that the people on the call heard it!

Killian drank my juice to the last drop. Nanginginig pa rin ang mga hita ko nang humiwalay s’ya sa ’kin. I saw his lips were glistening because of my release and when he licked it, I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached for his laptop and pressed the button to turn the mic off.

“I need you,” I told him. It wasn’t enough. I wanted more.

I saw his eyes darken with lust.

“What do you need?” he asked. “Say it, Irina.”

“I want your cock.” I didn’t look away from him. “Fuck me, Killian.”

He let out a groan that almost vibrated the entire room. And as if he also couldn’t take it anymore, he stood up and shut his laptop closed harshly so that I got worried it would break. But when he unzipped his pants and took out his pierced cock, everything didn’t matter anymore.

“Fucking shit!” He looked so mad. “I don’t have any condom.”

“Then fuck me bare,” I said, almost begging him. “It’s okay. I want you bare. I want to feel your piercings.”

May ilang sandali akong tinitigan ni Killian. Mukhang sinisiguro ang sinabi ko. Then his jaw clenched as if he was about to lose control.

“I’ll fuck you so hard you won’t ever forget the feeling of my cock inside your cunt.”

He pulled me toward the edge of the table and spread my legs wider. And without any warning, he rammed his length inside me to the hilt. It was so powerful that I got blinded by the force and I forgot how to breathe.

Holy fuck. Holy fuck. This was everything I wanted.

May ilang sandali akong hindi nakagalaw. Nakatingala lang ako. I wasn’t even breathing and my hands were gripping the edge of the desk for support. And when I finally adjusted to the feeling of him inside me, I gasped for air.

“Fuck!” I screamed. I finally let out all the moans I kept earlier. Pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw ako kapag hindi ko pa ginawa ’yon.

Killian started to move. There was no gentleness in every thrust he gave me. He was gripping my hips so hard, pulling me closer to him as he pounded into me. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang mapayakap sa kanya. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, welcoming his violent thrusts.

There was something hot and erotic doing this fully clothed. Na para bang pareho na kami hindi nakapagpigil. Especially Killian. And knowing he got hard just watching me orgasm earlier made me feel so sexy and beautiful.

He fisted my hair on the back of my head and pulled it down. I whimpered in pain but it just added to the sensation. His other hand reached for my neck and his fingers pressed on the sides.

I had a hard time breathing. It was impossible to do so with his powerful thrusts and his hand on my neck. My lips parted, trying to breathe in some air but Killian just tightened his hold on my neck. He even gripped my hair more and I felt my scalp sting.

“Killian…”

My eyes were open but I couldn’t focus my gaze on anything. All I could think of was his big and long pierced cock plunging deep inside me.

“Fuck, Irina. Your warm pussy’s adjusting so well with my cock.” He chuckled. “I guess it already knows who it belonged to.”

I tried to focus my gaze on him and I saw him staring intently at me, watching me. As if he didn’t want to miss any of my reactions. I knew he could see every hunger I felt for him but I didn’t care.

“Fucking beautiful,” he hissed.

I held his arms for support when his pace quickened. Mas naging marahas ang paggalaw n’ya. Something started to build inside of me, making my walls clenched around his length. Kaya naman mas ramdam na ramdam ko ang bawat pag-ulos n’ya.

“More,” I whispered, already out of breath. “Please.”

I saw his jaw clenched. Unable to control himself anymore, he started pounding me brutally. As if he didn’t care for my comfort. Pero hindi ako nagreklamo. Hindi ko s’ya pinigilan. I like it this way. I want him to take me this way. Because knowing I was the only one who could get him out of control made me happy.

He was fucking me roughly in his office, on top of his desk and I love every bit of it. I accepted every brutal thrust he made. I wasn’t already breathing and when I finally reached my peak, I tried to breathe some air but Killian didn’t let me as he gave me a deep kiss.

White spots blinded me and I felt lightheaded. My moan died inside his mouth as he plunged his tongue inside. His expert tongue moved together as he thrust his hips more violently, prolonging my orgasm. He was grunting with every plunge of his length as if everything wasn’t enough for him kaya mas lalo pang naging marahas ang paggalaw n’ya.

“Fuck!” he grunted his frustration. Maingay akong napasinghap at mas napakapit sa kanya when he let loose of himself.

“Oh, god!” I moaned. I could feel that I would reach my peak again.

“Yes, love,” he hissed. “I’m your fucking god.”

My sex god…

Mas bumilis pa ang galaw n’ya. I locked my legs behind him as I could feel that I would have something so intense that I needed to have every support. Yumakap na ako kay Killian at ramdam ko ang diin ng pagsabunot n’ya sa buhok ko habang ang isang kamay n’ya ay mariin ang pagkakahawak sa balakang ko. I was sure his fingers would leave a mark on my skin.

“I’m going to come, Irina,” he said with gritted teeth.

I know that. I felt him getting bigger inside me, making me feel more of him and reminding me of his piercings. Mas lalo lang akong napakapit sa kanya and with a few deep thrusts, I reached my peak again.

Killian groaned when my walls clenched around him. He moved his hips fast and rough my whole body jerking with every move.

“Irina,” he sounded so out of breath. “I need to… pull out.”

I didn’t let go of him and pulled him closer instead. Killian grunted in frustration and holding my hips, he pounded so hard before I felt him shoot his warm loads inside me.

His body shuddered and I hugged him more. I want to feel all of him. I want to feel how he reacted when he couldn’t hold himself anymore because of me.

Ramdam ko ang bawat paghingal n’ya. Bahagya s’yang lumayo sa ’kin and he leaned his forehead on mine as we both tried to catch our breath.

I smiled at him. Maya-maya ay natawa ako.

“I thought you could concentrate on two things at the same time?”

The corner of his lips rose for a smirk. He chuckled as he pulled out of me. I let out a moan as I felt our juices flow out inside me.

Killian buried his face on my neck. Hinihingal pa rin s’ya but he pulled my body close to him as he wrapped his arms around me.

“With you, it’s impossible,” he said. His lips moved against my skin. “My focus will always be on you.”

Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko at yumakap pabalik sa kanya.

I felt him take a deep breath, inhaling my scent.

“I love you so fucking much, Irina. You’re all fucking mine.”

Chapter 39

I began to spend time with Killian more often with every chance I got. Naging busy na rin kasi si Killian sa company and with their mafia business, supporting his brother, Serj. I was curious, especially about their mafia work though I didn’t dare ask. I knew it was something I shouldn’t cross. Although I had a feeling that Killian would answer any question I asked.

Naging tambayan ko ang penthouse n’ya. Halos doon na nga ako tumira. Killian already asked me to move in with him but I declined. It was early for us to reach that level in our relationship. Kahit na gustong-gusto ko s’yang katabing matulog kaya nga palagi akong nandoon. So, there were times when he would get home and I could smell gunpowder on him, or when the darkness surrounding him felt more imminent that I guessed that he tortured someone again.

I’m not sure… Hindi ako nagtatanong. Hindi ko dapat pasukin ang parte ng buhay n’yang ’yon. They said that it was the curiosity that killed the cat.

Kaya nakuntento na lang ako sa pagbisita sa office n’ya para mas makasama n’ya and sleeping with him at his place. And also, sex. We were always having sex.

The sex was really good. Nawala na rin ang hiyang nararamdaman ko noon. I got engulfed in his fire as I surrendered myself to him. As dangerous as he could be, I just let him devour me. After all, I liked everything he was making me feel.

It was as if I became bolder when I finally defied my parents. Mas naging matapang ako. Mas naging open sa mga gusto ko. I wasn’t afraid to take any risk anymore. I finally let loose of myself.

The only times we weren’t together were if Killian had meetings with or without Serj. Hindi ako pumupunta sa office nila kapag ganoon. Not with what happened last time. Like heck, I was a complete distraction for Killian! He abruptly ended the meeting. Ni hindi man lang nga s’ya nagpaalam nang maayos sa mga kausap n’ya!

Iniiwasan ko rin si Serj. He told me that I would even help Killian with his concentration. Pero kabaligtaran ang nangyari. Pakiramdam ko, may malaki tuloy akong kasalanan sa kanya. The meeting looked so important tapos ganon ’yung ginawa ni Killian.

And Killian even said that he had no problem concentrating on two things at the same time! That was obviously not the case. Not when I was around.

Though, he assured me that there was nothing I should be worried about. Sila naman daw ang investor sa project para sa meeting na ’yon kaya sila ang nililigawan. So, they set another meeting para pag-usapan ulit ang lahat.

Still, hindi ko na s’ya binibisita sa office kapag may meeting s’ya. I just don’t want to be a distraction again.

“Kasama mo na naman ang nobyo mo?”

Napangiti ako sa tanong ni Lola. Mukhang nagsasawa na yata na palagi kong binabanggit si Killian kapag tinatanong n’ya kung nasaan ako whenever I video called her.

I giggled before I nodded.

“Nandito po kami sa loob ng office n’ya.”

“Aba’y baka nakakaistorbo ka na sa trabaho n’ya, hija. Palagi kang nand’yan.”

I glanced at Killian beside me. He was busy reading some papers through his spectacles while I had my pen and sketchpad on my lap. We were both sitting on the sofa. Nakasandal ako patagilid sa katawan ni Killian and he had an arm snaked on my waist. He was leaning on the armrest. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay hawak ang papeles na binabasa n’ya. Pero hindi s’ya nakikita ni Lola sa anggulong ’to.

I took a break for a while today and let my staff handle making my designs. Iyong kaya lang nila at hindi na kailangan ng supervision ko. My fashion show will be held next month and we have already started preparations. I was done handing out invitations too.

But I wanted to be with Killian today so I went to his office and called my grandmother. Ewan ko ba. Lately ay parang ayaw ko nang humiwalay pa kay Killian.

“Am I disturbing you with your work?” I asked Killian.

He glanced at me. The side of his lips rose slightly before he kissed the side of my head.

“No.”

Binalingan ko ulit ang phone ko.

“Hindi ko raw po s’ya naiistorbo ’La. Tingin ko nga po mas gusto n’yang nandito ako,” I said. It was fine… Hindi naman maiintindihan ni Killian kahit grabe pa ang maging pag-a-assume ko rito.

Natawa si Lola. Mas lalong lumabas ang wrinkles sa gilid ng mga mata n’ya. I tried so hard not to show the sadness on my face. She was getting older with every passing day and it gave me anxiousness. It felt like I was running out of time.

“Ano naman ang sabi ng mommy mo? Naipakilala mo na ba ’yang nobyo mo sa kanya?”

Natigilan ako. I hoped that she wouldn’t notice my reaction to what she had asked. I still haven’t told her what happened yet. Ayoko s’yang mag-aalala. She was alone in the Philippines. Baka sumama ang loob n’ya at makasama pa iyon sa kanya.

I knew that she was also getting weaker. Mas lalo kong ginustong bumisita sa kanya. And I hope by that time, I won’t be too late.

Ilang beses ko na rin namang naisip ’yon pero may pag-aalinlangan pa rin sa ’kin. Even though I already cut off ties with my parents, their influence stayed in me. Ever since that day, they haven’t attended any of my fashion shows. May ilang press na nakahalata, nagtatanong kung ayos lang ba kami ng mga magulang ko. Some even reached out to get my interview about it pero hindi ko pinagbibigyan.

I just didn’t want to give them any trouble. They’re still my parents. That was why I was having second thoughts about going to the Philippines. Baka makarating sa kanila. Baka… magkaroon ng problema.

I sighed. Ah… I guess I haven’t changed, huh?

Killian caressed my waist. It was gentle as if he was trying to soothe me, to comfort me. Na para bang alam n’yang iyon ang kailangan ko ngayon. I looked at him but his eyes were still on the papers he was reading.

No… He was probably doing it unconsciously. He always likes to touch me anyway. Hindi n’ya naman naiintindihan ang pinag-uusapan namin ni Lola.

“Ayos lang kay Mommy, ’La.” I lied. I wasn’t comfortable lying to her. I didn’t want to lie to her so I changed the subject. “’La… Ano kaya kung bisitahin ko kayo d’yan pagkatapos ng fashion show ko? Isasama ko po ’yung boyfriend ko para makilala n’yo na. Pero itatanong ko pa po sa kanya kung free s’ya.”

She likes that idea. So much. I saw it in her eyes. I almost cried as I realized that she also missed me. Hindi n’ya lang sinasabi.

But then, I saw hopelessness in her eyes. Na para bang imposible nang mangyari pa ang sinabi ko. Hindi ko tuloy napigilan ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko. My throat hurt as I tried to keep my tears in.

“Ano ba’ng sinasabi mo, apo? Alam mo namang ayaw ni Catherine n’yan. Mabuti nga’t hinahayaan kang makausap na ako nang madalas ngayon.”

“Ayos lang po kay Mommy.”

I felt bad lying. Nagpapatong-patong na ang mga kasalanan ko. But I would never tell her what happened. Kahit ano pa’ng mangyari.

“Irina… Hayaan mo na. Kahit naman gusto rin kitang makita at mayakap, makukuntento na ako sa ganito. Ayoko namang magkagalit kayo ng mommy mo dahil sa ’kin.”

It already happened. Mom was already disappointed in me. And if ever I did visit my grandmother and Mom would somehow find out, it would devastate her. Baka itakwil n’ya na rin ako.

But I really wanna see Lola… I didn’t want to look back and regret not visiting her. I didn’t want to think of Lola being gone one day. But I knew she would. That is the reality of life. Lalo pa at napapansin ko ang katandaan n’ya sa bawat pagtawag ko sa kanya.

And she was getting weaker. I know that. She was just trying not to let me notice it.

I don’t want to have any regrets, especially with this.

“Promise, Lola. Wala pong magiging problema kay Mommy. Ako na pong bahala.”

Gosh… I wouldn’t be surprised if I go to hell when I die of how many times I lied.

It seemed like my grandma didn’t really believe me even after the call ended. Maybe she could sense that something was wrong no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Nakikita n’ya rin siguro ang pag-aalangan ko. But it wasn’t really because of visiting her. I was afraid that something would go wrong.

Still, my mind was already set. I’ll visit her right after my fashion show.

“Are you okay?”

I looked at Killian. He was staring at me. Tingin ko ay kanina pa nga. As if he had been watching me since earlier, focusing on my expression since he couldn’t understand the conversation with my grandma. That was the only reason I could think of why it seemed like he knew that something was bothering me.

Napangiti ako. He wasn’t holding the papers he was reading earlier. Nakalapag na sa coffee table sa harap namin. I didn’t know when he did that. Ni hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang paggalaw n’ya. Siguro dahil sobrang lalim nang iniisip ko habang kausap ko pa si Lola kanina.

Itinaas ko ang mga binti ko sa sofa so I could lean more on Killian. He adjusted to his seat and hugged me as I leaned on his chest. Iniyakap ko ang mga braso ko sa bewang n’ya at tiningala s’ya.

“You know sometimes, it seems like you understand when I talk with my grandmother.”

My scalp tickled as he played with the end curls of my hair. Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko. It brought back memories of when we were both still at the university. That time when I tried so hard to resist my attraction to Killian. He did something like this too. It had been so long since that happened but my reaction to him was still the same. If not, it intensified.

“You’re easy to read, love…” he said.

I scrunched my nose at him.

“That doesn’t sound like a good thing. It feels like you always know what I’m thinking.”

He chuckled. Hinalikan n’ya ang ulo ko.

“I just love watching everything about you… Your expression… Your eyes… how everything seems to light up whenever you laugh. Or whenever you’re around.”

I stared at him. Nakita ko ang katotohanan sa mga mata n’ya habang sinasabi n’ya iyon. He didn’t even have to tell me about it as it was already reflected in his eyes. And my heart felt so full knowing how he truly feels about me.

My arms moved up as I hugged his neck. Ibinaon ko ang mukha ko sa leeg n’ya and inhaled his scent.

Ah… I love it. Besides his cologne, Killian had this scent on him, his natural scent, that I really like to smell. Kumakalma kasi ako. It was so him. So manly.

I shivered when my scalp tickled again as he lightly tugged on my hair before resuming to play with my end curls. I smiled, my lips touching his skin.

“You love playing with my hair, don’t you?” I asked.

I felt his body lightly shake as he silently chuckled. Pagkatapos ay hinigpitan n’ya ang pagkakayakap sa ’kin at inilapit ang bibig sa tenga ko para bumulong.

“It isn’t just your hair, Irina… My fingers love playing your pussy too.”

I felt my face heated up. Hinampas ko ang dibdib n’ya at idinaanan na lang sa tawa ang hiya ko. I buried my face more in his neck. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want him to see my blushing face and how much I was affected by what he said.

Goodness… Naisisingit n’ya talaga ang dirty talk kahit saan!

He chuckled at my reaction but I heard tenderness in them. Muli kong naramdaman ang paghalik n’ya sa tuktok ng ulo ko.

We stayed like that for a while. I bathe in the feeling. I got lost in his comfort… in the safety that I always felt with him.

“I told my grandma we’d visit her after my fashion show,” I said after a while. Bahagya akong humiwalay sa kanya para tingnan s’ya. “I want to introduce you to her as my boyfriend.”

He just stared at me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Kinabahan tuloy ako. Baka mamaya ayaw n’ya pala ng ideyang ’yon.

I still haven’t introduced Killian to my grandmother after all these years. Kahit sa call. Hindi ko s’ya ipinapakausap kay Lola. If I wanted them to meet, I wanted it formally. ’Yung magkaharap sila. Kasi pareho silang importante sa ’kin. At ayokong sumuko sa possibility na makikita ko ulit si Lola in person. Alam kong makikita ko pa s’ya, mayayakap. Alam kong magkakakilala rin sila ni Killian nang personal.

I took a deep breath as I tried to calm myself. Nag-aalangan ang ngiting ibinigay ko kay Killian dahil nanatili lang s’yang nakatitig sa ’kin.

“I mean if you’re free, of course,” I said. “I know how busy you are these days. We’re both busy. We can just move the date.”

When I realized something, I gasped. Nagpa-panic ang tingin na ibinigay ko sa kanya.

“And only if you want it. I won’t force you if you don’t want to go. I promise. I’ll just tell Lola that you’re busy—”

“I’ll go.”

Napakurap ako. Hindi agad pumasok sa isip ko ang sinabi n’ya. He cut off my words so suddenly.

“Huh?”

He smiled. My eyes went down to his lips. He rarely smiled like this. Palagi lang kasi s’yang nakangisi na parang may laging pinaplanong masama. Kaya palagi akong natitigilan kapag ngumingiti s’ya ng ganito. He was smiling at me with so much tenderness.

“I’ll go with you, Irina. I want to meet your grandmother.”

It took me a while before that sank in my mind. My eyes teared up. Nanakit ang lalamunan ko dahil sa bikig sa pagpipigil kong maluha.

I smiled widely at him. Mahigpit ko s’yang nayakap.

“Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Kumilos s’ya. Parang gusto akong makita kaya bahagya ulit akong humiwalay sa kanya para tingnan s’ya. He looked at me with so much intensity in his eyes.

“I’ll give the world to you, love… Anything to make you happy.”

Hindi ko na napigilan. I kissed him. I kissed him with everything in me, wanting him to know how much I loved him. He groaned as if he couldn’t stop himself and kissed me back with so much force. With so much love.

I love him. This man saved me and I’m willing to do anything for him too. Anything to make him happy.

Because he didn’t have any meetings and he was done with the work for that day, we decided to head home when the office hours ended. Sabay kaming lumabas ng office n’ya at naglakad papunta sa elevator. But when I saw someone who was standing in front of it, pushing the elevator’s button, I almost stopped in my tracks. Muntik ko nang sabihin kay Killian na bumalik na lang kami sa office n’ya at magpalipas ng ilang minuto roon para hindi namin makasabay ang kapatid n’ya.

I mean I knew that they owned this company and Serj was the CEO so there was a big chance that I would see him here no matter how hard I tried to avoid him. Pero kasi, hindi pa ako handa na ngayon na pala ang araw na ’yon.

Or I don’t think I would ever be ready.

Nakakahiya kasi ’yung nangyari noong nakaraan! And Serj even said that I would be a help to Killian in his meeting. As if he really believed that and trusted that I would help him but Killian just ended the meeting so suddenly!

Mahinang natawa si Killian nang mahalata ang reaksyon ko. Gusto ko na sanang tumigil sa paglalakad bago pa kami makalapit kay Serj. And because it was the elevator for executive, he didn’t have to wait. Pero bago pa pumasok si Serj sa loob ay nakita na n’ya kami ni Killian kaya wala na talaga akong choice.

Killian was between us as we all rode the elevator. Pigil na pigil akong luminga sa gawi ng kapatid n’ya at hiniling na sana ay makarating na agad kami sa ground floor. But it was impossible as we were on the 26th floor.

“Done for the day, boss?” Killian asked.

“No,” I heard Serj answer. “I still have a dinner meeting.”

Wow… Mas busy pa s’ya kay Killian.

“Do you need me to go with you? I’ll just take Irina home first.”

Dahil sa tanong na ’yon ni Killian, I had an idea that Serj’s meeting was about mafia business. Madalas kasi ay iyon ang dahilan kapag magkasama sa meeting silang dalawa.

“It’s alright… Just take your girl home.”

Sinubukan kong sumilip kay Serj dahil alam kong ako ang tinutukoy n’ya. He was just looking straight ahead as if the elevator’s doors would open anytime and someone would attack us. But he must’ve felt my stares at him dahil lumingon s’ya sa gawi ko at agad na nagtama ang paningin naming.

I almost squeaked. God, I almost let a sound as if I was facing danger. Mabuti na lang at napigilan ko pa. I didn’t want to offend him!

“Killian said he didn’t have any meetings today,” I blurted out.

Napapikit ako nang mariin. I just didn’t say that, right? It was so obvious that I was so tense because of him!

God knows how much I was trying to be comfortable around Serj. Or at least, mabawasan man lang ang tension at kaba ko. He’s Killian’s brother after all. And I know how important he was to him.

But it was so damn hard! Especially since they both have air around them that screams danger. It took me a while before I could get used to Killian. Iniwasan ko pa nga s’ya noong una.

“I know,” Serj said, looking at me as if I just said something ridiculous.

Natawa si Killian. Naintindihan n’ya kasi kung ano’ng pinupunto ko.

“She’s still guilty about the meeting last time, boss,” he explained.

Namula ang mukha ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sinabi n’ya kay Serj kung bakit bigla na lang n’yang pinutol ang conference call. I just really hope he didn’t tell him what we were doing. Mamamatay ako sa kahihiyan.

“Don’t worry about it,” Serj said to me casually before he glared at his brother. “And stop fucking calling me ‘boss.’”

“Okay, boss,” sabi pa ni Killian na malaki ang pagkakangisi sa labi. Halatang inaasar pa ang kapatid.

Natahimik na lang ako sa isang gilid. I even heaved a relieved sigh. I could finally be at peace with what happened at the meeting. Mukhang wala nga lang kasi talaga iyon kay Serj.

They both talked about work until the elevator finally reached the ground floor and we went outside the building. We waited for a while for their cars. Naunang dumating ang kotse ni Serj and the valet gave him his keys.

“I’ll go now,” Serj said as his driver opened the backdoor. He nodded at me. “Irina.”

“Take care,” I said.

The side of his lips rose, giving me something that looked like a smile. Pero masyadong matipid. But it was enough for me.

“You, too.” He finally went inside his car. The driver closed the door as he looked at us.

“Kill.” Tinanguan n’ya pa si Killian at bahagya lang akong sinulyapan.

“Kozlov. This is my girlfriend, Irina Morozova.”

The man offered his hand for a handshake.

“Lev Koslov.”

Mabilis kong tinanggap ang kamay n’ya. He had the same aura as Serj and Killian.

Ah… Mafia.

“Nice meeting you,” I said. Nakita ko ang kaunting panginginig ng kamay ko and Lev must’ve noticed that as he gave me a reassuring smile.

“We’ll go now,” sabi ni Killian nang ibigay na rin ng valet ang susi ng kotse n’ya.

Killian opened the car door for me and I went inside. Nakita kong saglit pa silang nag-usap ni Lev bago s’ya sumakay sa driver side at pinaandar ang sasakyan.

So… I met another member of the Bratva again. Nagulat lang ako. Of course, Serj wouldn’t have anyone as his driver. He is the Pakhan after all.

I really hope that I can get used to this someday. Especially since I planned to stay with Killian and I don’t want to let go of him anymore.

“I’ll catch up with Serj’s dinner meeting. I need to be there so I’ll be late.” He glanced at me as he drove the car. “Will you be alright?”

That just confirmed that the meeting was about their mafia business. I nodded at him and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Of course. Just take me to my place.”

“You won’t stay at home tonight?” he asked.

Napangiti ako. He considered his place as our home and I never felt so welcome in my entire life. Pakiramdam ko, nahanap ko na ang lugar ko. Somewhere I truly belong.

“No… I need to work with my designs.”

He was quiet for a while. Mukhang nag-iisip bago tumango.

“Alright.”

Ilang sandali bago namin narating ang condo tower na tinutuluyan ko. I told him not to get out of the car. May pupuntahan pa kasi s’ya. But Killian insisted on opening the car door for me. Napangiti na lang ako bago bumaba ng kotse.

I wouldn’t win with this man.

“Call me when you get home,” I said.

“Don’t stay up too late.”

Napalabi ako.

“So strict…”

He chuckled. He pulled me close and hugged me. Yumakap ako pabalik sa kanya and I almost asked him to stay with me. Ayoko talagang mapalayo sa kanya.

But then, I felt his body tense. Nagtataka akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. His eyes were alert as he looked somewhere behind me. Maingat n’ya akong inilayo sa katawan n’ya.

“Killian Romanov.”

Nanlamig ako at mabilis na napaharap sa likuran. Four men were standing in front of us and with their looks, I knew they were bad news. Lalo na iyong lalaking nasa gitna. He was smiling. Pero nakakatakot ang ngiti n’yang ’yon.

Killian pulled me behind him so he was between me and those men. Nakita ko pa ang pagsulyap sa ’kin ng lalaki at ang paglaki ng ngiti sa mga labi n’ya bago tuluyang naharang ng katawan ni Killian ang paningin ko.

“You look so fucking familiar,” I heard Killian say. He said that so casually. But the tone, the tone in his voice sounded so dangerous.

Narinig ko ang pagtawa ng lalaki.

“Long time no see then. I came here to get my revenge.”

Killian moved so fast. Hindi pa nga tapos magsalita ’yung lalaki when he reached something behind his coat. A gun. He pulled the trigger pero mabilis na nakaiwas ang lalaking kausap n’ya kaya ang kasama n’ya ang tinamaan sa dibdib. But before Killian could pull the trigger again, I screamed when I felt someone grab me and pull me away from him.

“Killian!” tawag ko sa kanya. He looked at me and I saw how his jaw clenched when he realized what was happening.

May limang lalaki pa ang lumabas at ang isa ay hinila ako palayo sa kanya. The man’s arm was around my neck, locking me in place as he had a gun pointed at my temple.

I let out a whimper. Nanghihingi ng tulong ang tingin na ibinigay ko kay Killian. He was glaring at the man that was holding me, pointing his gun at him as he gritted his teeth so hard that his jaw moved. Nakita ko ang kakaibang galit sa mga mata n’ya but he remained calm as he tried to assess the situation.

Mukhang nakahalata ang guard ng condo tower na tinutuluyan ko. He went out, probably to help us. Pero napatili ako nang parang wala lang s’yang binaril ng isa sa mga lalaking nakapaligid sa ’min.

I closed my eyes and looked away. I made a sound in the back of my throat, a whimper out of fear. Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong maiyak kahit na sobrang takot na takot ako.

Please don’t let us die. Please let us be safe.

Pero nawawalan ako ng pag-asa. There were nine men surrounding us. Eight as Killian already killed one. And I think he could probably kill them all if I weren’t here. Pero hindi makakilos si Killian nang basta-basta dahil hawak ako ng mga lalaki.

“Ibaba mo ang baril mo, Romanov. O sasabog ang utak ng babae mo,” rinig kong sabi ng lalaking kausap n’ya kanina.

Natigilan ako. He just spoke in Filipino. I frowned as I was so confused. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang nangyayari kaya mas lumala ang takot na nararamdaman ko. Pakiramdam ko, parang hindi totoo ang lahat.

Who are these men? Ano’ng kailangan nila kay Killian? At bakit… Bakit nakakapagsalita sila ng Tagalog?

I stared at Killian. Hindi pa rin s’ya gumagalaw. And I was so sure it was because he didn’t understand what that man just said.

“Fuck,” I heard him mutter under his breath. Nakita ko ang unti-unti paggalaw ng daliri n’yang nasa gatilyo ng baril.

“Careful,” natatawang sabi pa ng lalaki. “Isang maling galaw mo lang, hindi ako magdadalawang-isip na patayin ’yang babae mo. Ibaba mo na ’yang baril mo.”

Killian still didn’t move. He kept on glaring at the man who was holding me. But then, his eyes moved, looking at the other men. He looked to the side na parang pinapakiramdam ang tatlo pang lalaki sa likod n’ya.

I knew he was being careful. He couldn’t understand what that man said but he was trying to be calm. I knew he was trying to be careful for my sake as I was held hostage by them. Killian couldn’t move freely.

Then his green eyes found mine. His gaze was intent as he stared at me. And then without looking away from me, he slowly lowered his gun to the ground.

Napaawang ang mga labi ko at bahagya pang napasinghap habang pinapanood si Killian. I just watched him, gaping at him. My confusion was eating me.

My heart was beating so loud with all the fear and confusion I was feeling. My breath quickened. Nagpa-panic na ako sa sobrang kalituhan. Sunod-sunod at mabibilis ang paghinga ko sa halo-halong nararamdaman ko. Gulong-gulo ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ano’ng uunahin. Hindi ko maintindihan ang lahat.

Killian could understand Filipino?

I tried to calm myself down even if it was so hard. Takot na takot ako. Pero ayokong maging pabigat kay Killian.

And then, Killian was slowly straightening up. He had his hands raised as if surrendering to the police. Hindi n’ya pa rin inaalis ang tingin sa ’kin kaya alam kong kitang-kita n’ya ang kalituhan at ang takot ko pero wala man lang akong mabasa sa mga mata n’ya.

My eyes teared up. Nanginig ang mga labi ko.

God… What the hell is happening?

I saw movements behind him. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang lalaking nagsasalita lang kanina. He was holding a baseball bat as he approached Killian. Horror struck me when I realized what he was about to do.

“Killian! Look out!” I tried to warn him.

Pero hindi man lang gumalaw si Killian. Hindi lumaban. He just kept looking at me as if I was the only one who mattered in this situation. And then, the man swung the bat, hitting Killian on the back of his head.

There was a sickening sound that I knew would haunt me in my sleep before Killian dropped to the ground. Napasigaw ako. I tried to free myself from the man who was holding me pero mas humigpit lang ang braso n’ya sa leeg ko.

“Killian! Killian!”

Pero hindi man lang gumalaw si Killian. Nanatiling nakadapa lang sa kalsada. I gasped so loud and I felt cold when I noticed blood soaking his hair. Malakas akong umiyak at sinubukang ulit kumawala sa pagkakahawak sa ’kin.

“Killian!” I cried out his name before glaring at the man who hit him. “What did you?! What the fuck did you do?!”

Ang ilan sa mga lalaking kasama n’ya ay sinubukang itayo si Killian. He wasn’t moving at all kaya nahirapan pa ang mga lalaki. And I just hope that he only lost consciousness due to the brute force.

Mas lalo akong naiyak. Please let him only be passed out. Please let Killian only just pass out…

Sinubukan ko ulit kumawala sa lalaking nakahawak sa akin kahit alam kong sobrang imposible noon. Kahit makawala ako, walong lalaki ang hahabol sa ’kin.

But I didn’t give up. I didn’t want them to take me away easily. I will give them a hard time.

I thrashed my body and scratched the arm of the man holding me, screaming at the top of my lungs for help but the man covered my mouth with his palm. Naramdaman ko pa ang pagkakakalmot ko sa balat n’ya. His skin went under my nails. I heard the man hiss in pain.

Napatingin ang lalaking mukhang leader nila sa ’kin. Ilang sandali n’ya akong tinitigan bago tumingin sa lalaking nakahawak sa ’kin.

“Patahimikin mo ’yan.”

Iyon lang at binitiwan ako ng lalaki. It was impossible to get away from them but I didn’t want to give up.

But before I could even take a step to run, I felt a pain in the back of my head. Para bang may kung ano’ng bagay ang ipinukpok sa ulo ko. Bumagsak ang katawan ko sa kalsada. And the force was enough to knock me out. Unti-unting nandilim ang paningin ko at isang bagay lang ang nasa isip ko bago ako nawalan ng malay.

Killian…

I didn’t know how long I was out. Naramdaman ko agad ang sakit ng ulo ko nang balikan ako ng malay. I groaned in pain and tried really hard to open my eyes.

My gaze immediately landed on Killian. He was in front of me, looking back at me. May tuyong dugo sa gilid ng mukha n’ya pababa sa leeg n’ya. He was chained to the chair and there were three men behind him, making sure that he wouldn’t get away.

Saka ko lang naalala ang lahat ng nangyari. Those men who surrounded us, the guard they killed, the man hitting Killian on his head with a baseball bat, and someone hitting my head before I lost consciousness.

Agad na bumalik ang takot na naramdaman ko kanina. Mabilis na nagtubig ang mga mata ko. I stared at Killian in front of me. Gumala ang tingin ko sa katawan n’ya. Besides the blood, he didn’t seem to have any other injury.

Thank God… He looked okay. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung hindi na s’ya nagising.

“Killian…” I sobbed. “Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

Sinubukan kong gumalaw para lumapit sa kanya. That was only when I realized that I was tied up on the chair too. My hands were also tied together behind me. May nakataling lubid palibot sa katawan ko, keeping me in place.

“What…?”

And then, I heard the sound of a gun being loaded behind me. Bago pa ako makalingon, naramdaman ko ang malamig na dulo ng baril na dumikit sa sentido.

“Ang tagal kong hinintay na makaganti sa ’yong, hayop ka,” the man behind me sounded like the leader of that group. “Ibabalik ko sa ’yo ang ginawa mo.”

He pushed the gun more to my head making my head move lightly. Impit akong napaiyak. But I bit my lower lip, keeping my voice in.

“Papatayin ko rin ’tong babae mo para maramdaman mo ang sakit na mawalan ng mahal sa buhay.”

Pinigilan ko ang mga luha ko. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig kay Killian. Ayokong tumingin sa iba. I wanted to reassure myself that he was here with me. That I wasn’t alone. And I knew that he would get us out of this situation.

But I couldn’t read anything on Killian’s face. He was looking at me. His eyes were void of any emotion.

Maybe he was trying to plan how he could get us out. Kahit na parang imposible dahil pareho kaming nakatali.

But I knew he could fight these men. I knew what he could do. I know that he’s strong.

He could get us out of here.

But then, I saw the side of his lips rose, giving us a cruel smirk. He chuckled at first. Maya-maya ay malakas s’yang natawa. He was laughing so hard as if all of this was so funny to him.

Hindi lang yata ako ang nagulat sa pagtawa n’ya. I felt the man behind me stiffen. Ang tatlong lalaking nasa likuran ni Killian ay napasulyap pa sa kanya. They frowned when they confirmed that he was really laughing.

Nanatili lang akong nakatitig kay Killian. I watched as he laughed his heart out. He sounded like a madman. It was really terrifying. Nanindig ang balahibo ko sa katawan sa paraan ng pagtawa n’ya.

“Shut up,” I heard the man behind me say. “Shut up!”

Sinubukan ni Killian. He even bit his lower lip. Nang medyo kumalma na s’ya ay malawak ang ngising tumingin s’ya sa lalaking nasa likod ko.

“Fuck, this is fun,” he said, still chuckling. Sumulyap s’ya sa ’kin at muling natawa bago ibinalik ang tingik sa lalaki. “Who told you I love her?”

Natigilan ako.

What…?

Killian laughed crazily again. Ilang sandali bago s’ya kumalma.

“Go on. Kill her. I really don’t fucking care.”

Maang akong napatitig kay Killian.

“Killian…” bulong ko sa pangalan n’ya.

He heard it. He looked at me and gave me a taunting smile. Parang tuwang-tuwa pa sa mga nangyayari at hindi man lang nakikita ang sobrang takot ko.

As if he really didn’t care about me.

“She’s just a hole I wanted to fuck. She’s nothing to me.”

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa narinig mula sa kanya. I heard and felt when my heart broke into pieces. Hindi mapantayang sakit ang lumukob sa ’kin. Awang ang mga labing napatitig ako kay Killian. Hindi ko na rin namalayang tumutulo na pala ang mga luha ko.

No… That’s… a lie, right? He told me he loved me.

He’s lying…

I saw Killian look at the man behind me again and smirked widely. He even raised an eyebrow at him and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

“Do it. Kill her.”

It’s a lie.

Chapter 40

We were taken to a room. I knew we were at hanggang doon lang ang alam ko. I didn’t have any idea where this was. I didn’t know how many of us were in this room right now. All that I was aware of was Killian, looking at the man behind me with a challenge in his eyes. His smile was taunting, trying to piss the man off or trying to provoke him so he would do what he just said.

To shoot me in the head. To kill me.

My tears were freely flowing from my eyes. I couldn’t wipe it but I didn’t look away from Killian. Kahit na sobra ang panlalabo ng mga mata ko dahil sa luha, hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kanya.

I wanted to see every emotion on his face. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I didn’t want to miss anything in his eyes if he at least showed an emotion. Kahit kaunting emosyon lang. Something that would tell me that he was indeed lying.

Kasi hindi ako naniniwala sa sinabi n’ya. I knew that he loved me. I felt it. He even said it. Nakita ko pa nga iyon sa mga mata n’ya. Someone like him wouldn’t stay with me for years if I was nothing to him.

I didn’t want to believe what he just said. Hindi ko alam kung bakit n’ya sinabi ’yon. Pero naniniwala akong nagsisinungaling s’ya.

“You would actually give me a favor if you’ll kill her,” he said so casually. “Though I wasn’t done with her yet but…” He shrugged his shoulders. “Go on. If you want you can kill her then.”

Sinubukan kong balewalain ang mga sinabi n’ya. Kahit na ang sakit-sakit. Kahit halos mamatay na ako sa sakit na nararamdaman ng puso ko. It was starting to make me numb but I tried to use my head. I tried to think. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili kong nagsisinungaling lang s’ya.

I still tried to trust him. Maybe this was his way to get us out of this situation. Hindi ko naman alam kung papaano gagana iyon. Takot na takot akong gawin nga ng lalaki ang sinasabi n’ya as Killian was really provoking him.

I let out a cry of pain when the man grabbed the hair on the back of my neck. It hurt so bad that I felt like my scalp would be ripped out.

“Sinungaling!” the man barked. “Alam kong ilang taon mo nang babae ’to! Hindi mo mahiwalayan!”

Natawa si Killian.

“And? You really believe that you could break me using that useless girl just because of that?”

“Alam kong nabalita rin na palagi kayong magkasama! Hindi mo ’ko mauutong gago ka!”

“I wanted to ruin her!” Killian said. Mukhang s’yang mauubusan na ng pasensya. “I wanted to take away her beauty until there was nothing of her but ugliness! I fucking know she has darkness in her and I already managed to wake up some but because of you, fucking son of a bitch, I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. You took away all my fun.”

“Mag-Tagalog ka, gago!” the man behind me said and if we were only in a different situation, I would actually laugh.

But I couldn’t. Not when I was hurting so much. Not when an idea popped out of my mind. Not when I remembered something that Killian said to me before and what I just heard from him now made sense.

No… This is still a lie. He was lying. God…

“Your father gave me that thinking,” Killian continued. He was smirking so wide. “He took me from my family and opened my eyes to how horrible the world is. I was kind of thankful to him but hey… I had fun cutting his head off and made him suck his own dick though.”

“Putang ina mo! Hayop!”

Napadiin ang pagsabunot ng lalaki sa buhok ko. I sobbed in pain but bit my lower lip. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of hurting me. Kahit si Killian lalo nang malakas ulit s’yang tumawa.

“So, do it!” malakas na sabi ni Killian. There was insanity in his eyes as he smiled so wide before he chuckled. “Shoot her! Kill her!”

I knew the man behind me finally got provoked. Sinibukan kong ihanda ang sarili ko sa sakit but nothing could ever prepare me for the pain. There was a loud gunshot. Malapit iyon sa tenga ko at halos mabingi ako sa lakas. I even heard feedback in my ears.

Naramdaman ko muna ang init sa kanang balikat ko. Just below the collarbone. And then the pain followed as the blood came out, soaking my blouse.

“Fuck!” Mahaba ang naging pagsigaw ko sa sobrang sakit. I heard Killian laugh. Humahalo ang sigaw ko sa tawa n’ya.

I gritted my teeth, stopping myself from screaming even though the pain was blinding me. I looked at Killian. He was laughing so hard and as I stared at him, I got to see what they meant by the word unhinged.

That was how I would describe him right now.

Or maybe… Ganito pala talaga s’ya.

I still want to trust him. I still do. Pero unti-unti nang lumalabo ang pinaniniwalaan ko. Lalo pa sa sinabi n’ya.

He told me before that I was the most beautiful he’d ever seen. That I was gorgeous. That I was perfect. Palagi n’yang sinasabi sa ’kin ’yon.

And then the first time that something happened to us, he stared at me so intently. Parang kinasabisado pa nga ang bawat parte ng mukha ko. And then he told me that I was still beautiful. And it was unbelievable.

Hindi ko pinag-isipan ng masama ’yon. I thought that he just really found me beautiful. I thought that he was complimenting me.

But… Was that his way of ruining me? He knew I didn’t have any experience. He knew that was my first time. Did he make me get addicted?

And then… He said something so confusing after our fashion show when he was our model, when he said that he couldn’t understand how lovely I looked when he thought I already bloomed.

“But I can understand why someone would spend all of their time caring for plants and waiting for flowers to fully bloom just to cut them out. I understand the desire to see something so beautiful, the thrill of watching it wither, become hideous, and die.”

Oh, God… I was the flower. He was waiting for me to become hideous, to take all my beauty, before he’d disregard me.

“I’m curious if your beauty has a limit. Because I’m already tempted, love. You completely captivated me.”

He was tempted… Tempted to ruin me. Hindi n’ya pa lang ako iniiwan dahil hindi pa s’ya kuntento sa pagsira sa ’kin.

And to think that I chose him over my parents…

Ang gusto n’ya, walang matitira sa ’kin kundi s’ya lang. And he would leave me after that.

I looked at Killian. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang sakit sa balikat ko. Namanhid na siguro ako dahil sa sakit sa dibdib ko.

He looked at me. Ilang sandali s’yang nanatiling nakatitig sa ’kin. And then, it was as if he knew that I figured something out, his smirk widened. Nakakaloko ang ngising ibinigay n’ya sa ’kin.

Please, no… Please… This will destroy me.

“Tangina, halika rito!” rinig ko ang sigaw ng lalaki. Ang akala ko, si Killian pa rin ang kausap n’ya.

But the man pulled my hair up. I screamed in pain when he used so much force. Pinapatayo ako pero nakalimutan yatang nakatali ako sa upuan, bahagya lang akong umangat at hindi n’ya nagawang hilahin ako patayo. Nabitawan n’ya ang buhok and as I went back sitting, that made the chair unbalanced. Kasama akong natumba ng upuan patagilid. Sinalo ng balikat ko ang bigat ko at bumalik sa ’kin ang sakit na mas lalo pang lumala.

I gasped in pain but it cut short as the pain in my injured shoulder was too much. Hindi ako makahinga sa sobrang sakit. The pain was blinding and deafening. Nag-panic ako dahil hindi ko talaga magawang huminga.

And when I did, I gasped so loudly. I was wheezing every time I took a deep breath. Sunod-sunod din ang pagsinghap ko.

Pero mukhang walang patawad ang lalaki. Inalis n’ya ang pagkakatali sa ’kin, kahit sa mga kamay ko. Hinigit n’ya ang buhok ko patayo at kahit wala nang pumipigil sa ’kin, hindi ko magawang lumaban dahil sa panghihina sa sakit.

“Panoorin mo ’to, Romanov! Tingnan nating kung wala ka nga talagang pakialam sa babaeng ’to.”

Dinala ako ng lalaki sa sulok ng kwarto, doon sa may malaking drum na lata. The drum was so rusty and full of water. Sunod-sunod akong umiling nang magkaideya kung ano’ng gagawin n’ya.

“No… No, please…”

But the man pushed me toward the drum. Hanggang bewang ko ang taas noon. Napahawak ako sa ibabaw para hindi tuluyang masubsob doon.

“Stop, please…” I begged.

Pero parang walang nakakarinig sa ’kin. The man grabbed the hair at the back of my head. Nilabanan ko ang pwersa nang itulak n’ya ang ulo ko pababa sa drum. My right shoulder was throbbing in pain but I ignored it. Pero kulang ang lakas ko at tuluyan nang lumubog ang ulo ko sa tubig.

“No!” I screamed but my voice was muffled by the water.

I tried to stop my breathing. I even closed my mouth as I tried to fight the man. Sinusubukan kong iangat ang ulo ko pero hindi ko magawa. Masyadong malakas ang lalaki.

Hindi na ako makahinga pero hindi pa rin inaangat ng lalaki ang ulo ko. I started to panic when I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to fight hard. My feet were sliding on the floor as I tried to stand straight. I pushed myself up. Nararamdaman ko ang paglubog ng ibabaw ng latang drum na ’yon sa mga palad ko.

I didn’t want to breathe while my head was still under the water. But I couldn’t take it anymore. Ibinuka ko ang bibig ko. I tried to breathe using my mouth pero tubig lang ang pumasok. And that was when the man finally pulled up my hair.

I coughed so hard that my throat hurt. Hinahabol ko ang paghinga ko. My eyes stung and tears fell from my eyes.

“Let go, please,” I cried. “Let go.”

But the man pushed my head into the water again. I shouldn’t have screamed. Mas lalo lang mauubos ang hininga pero hindi ko mapigilan. Mahigpit ang pagkakasabunot sa ’kin ng lalaki. Nakalubog ang katawan ko hanggang balikat sa tubig. Pabaliktad. It was so uncomfortable.

I tried to fight again even though I knew I couldn’t win. My heart burned. Everything in me hurt.

Nang hindi na ulit ako makahinga ay iniangat ulit ng lalaki ang ulo ko. All I could do was cry and take a breath as much as I could.

“Ayoko na…” I pleaded. “Tama na—”

Pero inulit lang ng lalaki ang ginawa n’ya nang dalawang beses pa. Iyong panghuli ay inakala kong mamamatay na talaga ako dahil nakainom na ako ng maraming tubig mula sa drum. The man let go of my hair. Nanghihina akong napaupo sa sahig.

Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak habang nauubo sa dami ng nainom kong tubig. My throat hurt so much. Kahit ang ilong ko. Even my eyes as tears fell down my wet face.

“Tangina ang tibay nito, boss,” I heard a voice from another man. Iyong nakatayo sa kaliwa ni Killian. “Wala man lang reaksyon.”

“Hayop kasi ang gagong ’yan. Wala ’yang puso,” their leader said.

Hinatak pa ng lalaki ang kanang braso ko. Mas lalo akong napaiyak sa sakit. My body was screaming in pain. Puro sakit na lang ang tanging nararamdaman ko ngayon.

God… What did I do to deserve this?

Is this my punishment? Dahil hindi ako naging mabuting anak? Dahil sinuway ko ang mga magulang ko?

Why can’t I just be happy?

Ginawa ko lang naman ang lahat para maging masaya ’ko. ’Yung totoong masaya. Tiniis ko ang sakit na parang isinisiksik ko lang ang sarili ko kina Mommy.

Bakit nauwi sa ganito ang lahat? Ganoon ba talaga kasama ang ginawa ko? Did I really deserve this?

Iniupo ulit ako ng lalaki sa upuan ko kanina. They didn’t bother tying me again. Hindi na rin naman sapat ang lakas ko para lumaban.

I looked at Killian. There wasn’t any emotion in his eyes as if he was unaffected by what happened. Mas lalo akong napaiyak dahil doon. Humihikbi na ako at nahihirapan na akong makahinga nang ayos.

He was not doing anything to save me. To stop them from torturing me.

Or maybe… Maybe he was having fun. He liked torturing people, right?

At nang makita ko ang ngisi sa mga labi n’ya, napatunayan ko ’yon.

“This is no fun,” he even said. “Such an amateur work.”

Natawa na ang lalaking nasa likuran ko.

“Fashion designer ’tong babae mo, ’di ba? Ano kaya kung duruging ko ang kamay n’ya?”

“No, no, no, no. Please, no. Please…”

Sunod-sunod pa akong umiling habang nagmamakawa. Niyakap ko ang kamay ko. Tinatakpan ng kaliwang kamay ko ang kanan at inilapit iyon sa dibdib ko na parang doon nakasalalay ang buhay.

And maybe, that was the truth. At ayokong kunin pa nila ’to sa ’kin.

They put a table in front of me, putting it between Killian and me. Umiiling pa rin ako.

Hindi pwede. Hindi pwede ang kamay ko.

Sinubukang kunin ng lalaki ang kanang kamay ko. Nahalata na iyon ang mas pinoprotektahan ko. Hindi ko binibigay. I even crouched down so he wouldn’t take my hand.

But he pressed a finger on my gunshot wound. Napasigaw ako sa sakit at nagawa n’yang kunin ang kamay ko. He cuffed my hand on top of the table para hindi ko mabawi. Pinipilit na ibuka ang mga daliri ko dahil nakasara iyon. They managed to do it.

“Not my hand!” I screamed when I saw him holding the baseball bat again. “Please, not my hand. Please!”

I tried to yank my hand off the table pero nakaposas nga iyon. Mas lalo akong naglumikot sa upuan. But another man pushed my shoulders down, keeping me in place. Napahagulhol na lang ako.

I closed my fist. I looked at Killian and saw him just watching the scene in front of him. Mukhang inaabangan n’ya pa nga ang lalaking gamitin sa kamay ko an baseball bat na ’yon.

“Killian!” I called him in desperation. “Please, don’t let them do this. Not my hand. Please… Help me.”

Hirap na hirap pa ako dahil humihikbi ako sa pagitan ng mga salita. But I kept on at Killian, my eyes were also begging him.

’Wag ang kamay ko. I wouldn’t be able to take it. Hindi ko kayang hindi na ulit makapag-design at gumawa ng mga damit.

It was my dream. i already managed to reach my dream. Ayokong mabalewala ang lahat.

“Killian…” I cried.

He’ll help me, right? He knew how important fashion design was to me. It was everything that I had. My parents somehow accepted me because of my achievements. A lot of people adored my work.

At ngayon lang… Ngayon ko lang naranasan ang totoong maging masama sa lahat ng mga nakukuha ko. It was because I finally believed that I have talent. That I could really design.

Hindi ko kaya kung pati ito, mawawala pa sa ’kin.

Killian looked at me. For a moment, I thought that he was going to do something. Nagtagal kasi ang tingin n’ya. But then, he shrugged.

“I can’t do anything when I’m chained up.”

Napatitig na lang ako dahil parang balewala lang ang pagkakasabi n’ya. That it wasn’t really his problem what this man was planning to do to my hand. Wala s’yang pakialam dahil hindi n’ya naman kamay ang madudurog.

“Piece of advice,” sabi ng lalaking leader ng grupo habang nakatingin sa nakakuyom kong kamay. He already had the bat up, ready to swing it down. “Mas madudurog mga buto mo kapag ganyan. Ikaw din…”

Mabilis kong ibinuka ang mga daliri ko. I knew I couldn’t avoid what would happen. But I still wanted to save my hands. Kahit sa anong paraan.

The man swung down the bat and I scream so loud when it connected to my hand. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang sakit at mas lalo pa akong napaiyak. Nang tingnan ko ang mga kamay ko, nakita ko ang pinsalang natanggap ko. Mas grabe sa kanang kamay dahil iyon ang mas natamaan.

The skin on the back of my right hand was torn off. Nakalubog ang parteng natamaan ng baseball bat. It was so weird to look at and I knew that I already had broken bones.

Muli kong tiningnan si Killian. Deretso ang mga mata n’yang nakatingin sa ’kin.

“Killian… Help me… Parang awa mo na…”

Pero nanatili lang s’yang bingi sa mga pagmamakawa ko. When the man targeted my right hand again, halos mawalan na ako ng malay sa sobrang sakit.

My hand… My hand…

I never thought something like this would happen to me. I was so comfortable with Killian. Ang akala ko, magiging ligtas ako kapag kasama ko s’ya. Because he was strong. I saw that. And he always protected me. Nakita ko ang mga ginawa n’ya sa mga taong nanakit sa ’kin ngayon.

But now, he was just watching. Wala man lang reaksyon sa mukha n’ya. There wasn’t even a pity that I just got caught up with this because of him. He was the reason I was in this chair, taking all the beatings, and he was just watching. Parang hindi man lang nakokonsensya.

Wala naman akong kasalanan sa mga lalaking ’to. Nadamay lang ako. Pero bakit parang kung saktan nila ako, ako ang may atraso sa kanila?

I heard what Killian said earlier. This man, the leader of the group, was the son of the man that he killed when he was just a child. Iyong bago s’ya ampunin ng ama ni Serj.

I didn’t even know them. Yet why…

I sobbed silently. Hinayaan ko na lang ang lahat. Hinayaan kong lukubin ako ng sakit. I didn’t fight back anymore. Wala na rin namang matitira sa ’kin kung makakaligtas man ako.

Pinabayaan lang ako ni Killian. He let these men hurt me.

I thought he would be the one who would protect me. Pero s’ya ang dahilan ng mga natatanggap kong sakit ngayon.

Mommy…. Daddy… I’m sorry po… I wanted to see you both before I die…

Lola… Gusto pa kitang makita… But I couldn’t. I couldn’t anymore.

“Tibay ng sikmura mo, Romanov! Wala ka talagang pakialam sa babaeng ’to!” the man said before he grabbed the back of my head and slammed my face so hard on the table.

I almost lost consciousness right then. Inulit n’ya pa at nawalan na talaga ako ng lakas. Nanatili lang nakasubsob ang mukha ko patagilid sa table.

I could taste blood in my mouth. And maybe, I have a broken nose. I don’t know. Ayoko na ring alalahanin. Wala na akong pakialam sa lahat.

I just wanted this to end. Ayoko na.

I lost all my will. I lost my strength. I lost everything.

“Please…” I croaked.

Patuloy sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko. I couldn’t move any muscles. All I could feel was pain. I was hurting all over.

Narinig ko pa ang tawanan at asaran ng mga lalaki.

“Sayang, boss… Ang ganda pa naman. Nasira mo yata ang mukha,” I heard one of the men say.

“Tarantado ka kasi. Mali-mali ’yung impormasyong binigay mo!” their leader said.

“Akala ko kasi…” And then a chuckle. “Pwede pa naman pagsawaan ’yung katawan, boss. Sarap n’yan panigurado.”

I let out a whimper but I didn’t move. I already lost the will to fight and just cried.

Just let me die… Ayoko na… Tama na… I can’t take any beating.

“Please,” my voice barely left my lips. I didn’t have any strength even to talk.

Napapikit ako. Silently hoping that all of this would end.

“Just kill me…”

Chapter 41

I was about to lose consciousness. Parang may humihila sa ’kin para tuluyan ko nang ipikit ang mga mata ko, magpahinga na lang at hayaan na ang lahat. Pero nilalabanan ko ang pwersang ’yon. I wasn’t sure where I still found that will to fight against that force. Still, I tried to open my eyes and focused on my surroundings as much as I could. Kahit na sobrang hirap na noon sa pamamanhid ng buong katawan ko sa sakit.

Ah… Wouldn’t it be better if I just gave in? These men were planning to do something horrible to me and I couldn’t stop that, kahit ano pa’ng laban ang gawin ko, especially with the condition of my body. And I knew Killian would just let them. Kaya parang mas mabuti pa yata kung hahayaan ko na lang ang sarili kong mawalan ng malay ngayon.

I couldn’t even move a muscle. Tuluyan nang nilamon ng sakit ang buong katawan ko. Just moving a bit caused me so much pain that I thought I would black out. Kaya hindi na ako gumalaw mula sa pagkakasubsob ko sa lamesa at hindi na gumalaw.

Please… Just let them get over it fast. Ayoko na…

Suddenly, I heard an explosion. Malakas at nakakabingi. I think the ground even shook with the impact. I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was just my hallucination or an effect of how much beating I received earlier. I didn’t even move to check what it was. Or if I was right. I couldn’t really move anyway.

But then, I guess something was really happening as I heard commotion around me. Nawala rin ang pagkakahawak ng leader sa ’kin. He started shouting at his men, ordering them to do something. Narinig ko rin ang marahas na pagbukas ng pinto mula sa harap at ang pagkakagulo sa likuran ko.

Mula sa gilid ay nakita ko ang pagbagsak ng isang lalaki, doon sa parteng nakikita ko lang. He tried to stand up but another man came into my view and kicked the first man down again. The second man pointed a gun at him and without thinking twice, he fired the gun thrice, killing the first man on the spot.

He looked at something in front of me, just where Killian was before he turned his head in my direction. And I realized that I knew him. It was Lev, the man I had seen with Serj before.

Then… does that mean that Serj knew what happened to us? Does that mean that they came to rescue us? Does that mean I won’t have to endure any beatings anymore?

Am I really safe now?

I didn’t want to have false hope. It would hurt me if my hope would just get crushed later. Hangga’t hindi pa kami nakakaalis dito, ayokong umasang ligtas na nga ako.

I was about to give up earlier… Please… Please let this be real.

“Lev, look for their keys,” I heard someone behind me say. I recognized the voice and I almost cried. Pinigilan ko lang ang sarili ko dahil ayoko pa ring umasa until I confirmed everything. “Nikolaj, take care of Killian.”

“Okay, boss,” it was Lev and I saw him move. Maybe to look for the keys for my handcuff and Killian’s chains.

“Jesus Christ, Killian,” I heard another man’s voice. Probably the one whom Serj called Nikolaj. “What the fuck happened?”

There was a clanging of chains. Sa hula ay nakuha na nila ang susi para kay Killian and they were probably removing the chains off his body. Someone tried to unlock my handcuffs too but I whimpered in pain when they grazed my hands.

“Her hands… They’re… important—” Killian coughed. “—to her… Her hands… Serj… Promise— me.”

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes when I heard Killian’s voice. There was something off with how he sounded. It was so different from before when he was still laughing and telling me he couldn’t do anything.

“Alright…” Serj sounded as calm as ever.

Nakarinig ulit ako ng mga kalansing. It took only a second before I felt gentle hands on my shoulders. Even when they tried to get me off from leaning on the table, the movement was still so gentle that I didn’t feel any pain sa sobrang dahan ng paggalaw noon sa akin. They made me lean on the chair I was sitting in and it was only then I realized that my handcuffs had already been removed and my hands were now free.

Serj’s face came into my view. He was just looking at me. His blue eyes were the definition of calmness. There was no agitation in them, no turmoil unlike what I was feeling right now. It was like he was just waiting for me to focus on him, silently telling me with his calmness that everything was alright now. So, when it finally sunk in my mind that he really was here, that the members of Bratva were here, a sob escaped from my lips… until I was already crying hard.

They were here… They really were here… I’m safe.

“I’m going to carry you,” narinig ko pang sabi ni Serj.

I sobbed and nodded. Masakit pa rin ang lalamunan ko dahil sa nainom kong tubig kanina. But I didn’t care anymore. All I could think about was that I was finally safe. That those men couldn’t hurt me anymore.

Serj gently lifted me, careful not to damage my hands more kaya ipinatong ko na lang ang mga iyon sa t’yan ko. Naging maingat din s’ya para sa sugat sa kanang balikat ko. Ang isang braso n’ya ay nasa likod ng mga tuhod ko. While his other arm was supporting my back. Hindi pa rin matigil ang pag-iyak ko at mas lalo lang iyong lumalakas. My body was hurting so much just from crying pero hindi ko lang mapigilan. I was relieved that I was safe and in pain that I had to experience all of this.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko naranasan ang lahat ng ’to. Hindi naman ako ganoong kasamang tao. Maybe I was a bad daughter but do I really deserve to experience something so horrible because of it?

“Serj…” I heard Killian call him. His voice was soft, parang walang lakas. “Let me… carry her.”

Sa narinig ay isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa dibdib ni Serj. It hurt so much. I might really have a broken nose but it doesn’t matter to me right now. I leaned more to Serj and shook my head, not wanting him to give me to Killian.

“No…” I softly said. My throat hurt even more so I just shook my head again.

I didn’t want Killian to hold me. I didn’t even want to look at him. I didn’t want to go near him. Baka kung ano na naman ang mangyari. And he wouldn’t even try to do something to save me. He would just watch me get hurt. Wala s’yang gagawin kundi ang panoorin lang akong nasasaktan.

I didn’t want to experience that kind of betrayal. After I chose him over parents, over everything… wala nang natira sa ’kin ngayon.

I lost everything.

“It’ll be better if I carry her,” Serj said.

“No, Serj… I want to hold her… I need to—”

I heard Killian cough again. There was something different with his voice. Kanina ko pa iyon napapansin, ever since Serj and the others came. I tried to look at him, to know what was wrong but Serj gently pushed me back into his chest by adjusting my position. Parang ayaw n’yang ipakita sa ’kin si Killian.

Or maybe… He knew that I didn’t really want to look at his brother.

“You’re in no fucking condition to carry yourself, let alone Irina.”

“The boss’ right, Kill. You look fucking awful,” rinig kong sabi nu’ng Nikolaj. “You’re fucking dying, man.”

“But she’s—”

“Enough, Killian!” Serj’s voice grumbled in his chest. “You both need to get treated immediately. We need to take you to the hospital fast.”

Wala nang nagsalita. Maybe because there was finality in Serj’s words. No one would dare oppose him with that tone in his voice.

“Nikolaj, Lev… Take care of my stupid brother. Ioann, clean everything here… But you know not to kill them, right?”

There was another chuckle from a man. A voice I hadn’t heard before. There was something dark in the way he chuckled despite masking it with interest.

“Alright, boss… I know Kill will handle them better.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

I felt movements from Serj. Maybe he started walking. I wasn’t sure. Masyado kasing marahan ang paggalaw n’ya. It was so different from how he always looked. Strong and powerful. But now, it was as if he was being careful to make any rash movements that would hurt me any more than this.

Hindi ko tuloy maiwasan ang mapaluha. I tried to drink in the reality I was in now. I am safe. We’re now getting out of that hellish place.

“It’s okay, Irina,” I heard Serj murmur. “Rest.”

With that, I closed my eyes. Dahil sa marahan na paglalakad ni Serj, pakiramdam ko ay idinuduyan ako. I tried to relax in his hold and not to think of anything. It took only seconds for me before I fell asleep.

I didn’t know how long I was out but when I woke up, I was lying down, and doctors and nurses were fussing over me. With all the unfamiliar faces I was seeing, I started to panic. Bumilis ang paghinga ko. May sinasabi ang doctor sa ’kin pero wala akong maintindihan. I heard beeping from some machine and it just added to my fear. Sinubukan kong tumayo even though my whole body was screaming in pain pero pinigilan ako ng isang nurse.

“No… No, please…”

I tried to look around, looking for something familiar. Kahit kasi ang lugar kung nasaan ako ay hindi pamilyar sa ’kin. Although I knew I was in a hospital with the walls and ceiling being white and with all the tubes connected to my body. I was scared that these people would do something to hurt me.

And then, I saw Serj. Saka lang ako kumalma. Tumabi ang mga doctor at nurse nang tumabi s’ya sa tabi ng kama ko. I just needed to see someone familiar right at that moment. Kahit sino. Kasi ibig sabihin lang no’n, hindi ako nag-iisa. Na may kasama ako.

“They’ll operate on you, Irina,” he said. “Do you want me to call your parents?”

“No, don’t, please…” Sunod-sunod pa akong umiling kahit masakit din ang leeg ko.

Not them… I didn’t want them to know what happened. Kahit na gustong-gusto kong mayakap si Mommy. Kahit na gusto ko silang kasama ngayon. Even though I wanted to say sorry to them so badly. Natatakot akong… hindi nila pansinin kahit malaman nila ang nangyari sa ’kin. Because they were mad and disappointed in me.

Mali ang naging desisyon ko. Mali ang taong pinagkatiwalaan ko. Mali ang taong pinili ko. Mali ang taong minahal ko.

“I understand… But you need someone to look after you,” Serj said.

I stared at him. Wala akong masabing pangalan.

Annika? No. She was busy. Baka makarating din sa parents ko kapag nalaman n’ya rin.

I looked at Serj helplessly. Ilang sandali s’yang nakatingin lang sa ’kin bago bumuntong-hininga.

“Alright…” he said before he looked at the doctors. “Do everything you can— No. Do the best you can. Treat her well. Bring her hands back to how they functioned before. Make sure she’ll be okay and she’ll have a full recovery.”

I sobbed. I closed my eyes. The doctors were saying something but I ignored all of it. I ignored everything.

Susubukan akong pagalingin ng mga doctor. Susubukan nilang ayusin ang mga nasira sa ’kin. But I didn’t want to keep my hopes up. Ayokong umasang mababalik pa sa dati ang mga kamay ko. Not when I saw how damaged they were. Especially my right hand.

I didn’t want to hope just to get crushed again.

When I regained consciousness again, I was in a different room. Nahirapan pa nga akong idilat ang mga mata ko dahil parang may humihila sa ’kin para matulog na lang. My eyelids felt so heavy but I tried to fully open my eyes and looked around. I knew I was still in a hospital with a machine beeping I was hearing and with all the tubes connected to my body.

And I was in so much pain.

Natigil ang tingin ko sa lalaking nakaupo sa gilid ng kama ko. Serj was reading a book. Iyon ang huli kong nakita bago muling mapapikit at tuluyang makatulog.

When I woke up again, this time, I was fully awake. My throat hurt. My whole body hurt. But the pain I was feeling in my hands was indescribable. Even breathing hurt so much.

I saw a nurse checking the IV drip. Ngumiti s’ya nang makitang gising na ako.

“I’ll call Doc Yurin.”

Nang makaalis ang nurse ay iginala ko ang tingin ko. Malawak ’yung kwarto. With TV and mini ref inside. Para ngang wala ako sa hospital.

Nang tumingin ako sa gilid ko ay nakita ko si Serj na nakaupo sa upuan sa gilid ng kama ko. He was reading a book again. Mukhang walang pakialam sa paligid. Ilang sandali akong nakatitig sa kanya bago muling bumukas ang pinto at pumasok ang nurse kanina kasama ang lalaking doctor na nakangiti sa ’kin. He looked like he was in his early forties.

“Hello, Miss Morozova. How are you feeling?”

Like I’ve been in hell…

“I’m okay…” I didn’t know if he heard it. Wala man lang boses na lumabas sa ’kin. I was wincing in pain with every move I made.

Pero tumango ang doctor. He told me they reduced the dose of painkillers they gave me so I wouldn’t get an overdose with all the meds I was receiving kaya may sakit pa rin akong nararamdaman. My injury on my shoulder was only a flesh wound and it would heal over time. Then he started explaining something to me. He was using words I couldn’t really fully understand so my focus drifted off him.

It was only then I realized the state I was in. Something was blocking my vision slightly and I noticed that there was a bandage on my nose. I was right when I felt that my nose had broken when the leader of the group smashed my head on the table.

Mariin akong napapikit sa alaalang ’yon. I tried to get it off my mind. Now was not the time to remember what happened. Ayoko ngang maalala ang kahit na anong nangyari. If only I could forget all of that.

But I couldn’t. Not when my hands were heavily bandaged. I had a sling too to prevent movements in my right shoulder. Sinubukan kong igalaw ang mga kamay ko but it hurt so fucking much I almost cried.

“Don’t worry, Miss Morozova. With consistent physical therapy, you should regain full use of your hands.”

Mabilis akong napatingin sa doctor.

“What?”

He smiled at me.

“Your hands will be completely healed.”

“They’ll be okay?” My eyes watered.

“Yes, Miss Morozova. It might take some time to recover but as long as you’ll be consistent with your physical therapy and with medications, you’ll be able to fully use your hands.”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapaiyak. Wala na akong pakialam kung nakikita man ako ng doctor o ng nurse. Or even Serj. I couldn’t help it.

I was so relieved. Ang akala ko, hindi ko na magagamit ang mga kamay ko. Lalo na ang kanang kamay ko. I saw how bad it was after that man smashed it with a baseball bat. Twice. I could still feel the pain. Hinding-hindi ko na yata makakalimutan ’yon. I know I would get nightmares from it every night.

I was hoping that my left hand would heal instead and I would use that to continue designing. Kahit na parang magsisimula ako sa umpisa. On how to write again as my left hand wasn’t my dominating hand.

God… What a relief…

“Thank you…” I said in between my sobs. “Thank you so much…”

The doctor said something again but Serj took over. He listened to the doctor instead. I couldn’t focus on anything anyway. Not after what I’ve learned.

I could still use my hands. Like how they were before. Alam kong matatagalan pa but it was okay for me. Kahit gaano katagal pa ang maging recovery ng mga kamay ko, ayos lang sa ’kin. As long as they fully heal.

As long as I could still design.

Goodness… Akala ko, hanggang doon na lang ang magiging pangarap ko. I thought that would be the end of my dream. Ni hindi pa nga natatagalan bago ako totoong naging masaya sa lahat ng mga nakukuha ko. I only got to genuinely enjoy designing just recently. Ayokong gaanong kaikli lang ang kasiyahan ko.

I was so thankful I still had the chance. I won’t waste this time. I promise that from now on, I will live only for myself. For what I really want.

It was Serj who mostly looked after me. He became my guardian. He was always there, only going outside the hospital room kapag pinupunasan ng nurse ang katawan ko. He wasn’t saying anything, just reading a book. I didn’t want to talk to him either.

He’s Killian’s brother.

Killian…

My face contorted as I tried to stop my tears. No. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I wouldn’t cry for him. Pinabayaan n’ya ako. Nakaya n’yang manood na lang habang sinasaktan ako ng mga lalaking ’yon. He let those men hurt me. He left me alone.

Maybe he was lying when he told me he loved me. Maybe he was just pretending when he made me feel as if he really did love me as if he really did care for me. Kasi hindi ko nakita ang anuman sa mga ’yon while I received those beatings.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Maybe, I still got fortunate. Ang pinakamalalang injury ko ay ang sa kanang kamay ko. But the doctor already assured me that it would heal. All my injuries will heal in time.

That should be the case. But then… I couldn’t forget the sound of the gunshot and the pain I felt on my shoulder. I couldn’t forget the sound of my voice while my head was underwater and I was begging for mercy. I won’t forget the look of my damaged hands.

I won’t forget the look in Killian’s eyes as he just watched me suffer, even when I begged him to help me.

Since that night, I wasn’t able to sleep peacefully. Palagi akong nagigising sa kalagitnaan ng gabi. And that night was the worst as the nightmares felt so real. This time, rescue didn’t come. Napabalikwas ako ng bangon pero napasigaw nang maituon ko ang kaliwang kamay ko sa kama.

“Fuck!” I hissed in pain.

“Take it easy,” narinig kong sabi ni Serj at tinulungan ako para makaupo ng maayos. He put a pillow on my back so I could lean on it.

I took several deep breaths, hoping the pain would subside. Ilang sandali bago ko natiis ang sakit. I saw on the wall clock that it was just two in the morning.

Napatingin tuloy ako kay Serj na bumalik mula sa pagkakaupo sa upuan sa gilid ng kama ko. He was looking at me. Parang may hinihintay.

I cleared my throat.

“Why are you still here?” I asked.

I was thankful that he saved me back there. But it wasn’t like we were closed. I was… nervous around him. Hinding-hindi ako mapapalagay sa presensya n’ya. And I think I wouldn’t be able to rest completely kung s’ya ang magbabantay sa ’kin.

He stared at me for a while before he tilted his head to the side.

“I’m looking after you.”

“But you didn’t have to.”

“I promised Killian I’ll take care of you.”

Mabilis akong napaiwas ng tingin sa pangalang binanggit n’ya. Even hearing his voice caused me so much pain.

Muntik pa ’kong matawa. He was my comfort before. He was my happiness. I was so in love with him.

But now, everything changed…

Mula sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita kong muling sumandal si Serj sa inuupuan n’ya. He went back to read his book again.

“He just watched me get hurt,” I said when I couldn’t take the silence anymore. “He didn’t do anything to save me even when I begged him to help me.”

“He was chained, Irina. You didn’t really expect him to get out of those chains magically, did you?” Hindi man lang s’ya tumingin sa ’kin.

I pursed my lips. Pinigilan ko ang galit na namumuo sa dibdib ko. I bit my lower lip when my eyes watered.

I heard Serj take a deep breath. He closed the book he was reading. Itinabi n’ya iyon sa bedside table bago tuluyang tumingin sa ’kin.

“I’m sorry that came out wrong,” he said. Napatingin ako sa kanya. This time, there was understanding in his eyes. “I knew you expected my brother to stop those fucking bastards from harming you, but he was bound. He is strong, yes, and the enemies were aware of that which is why they made sure he couldn’t get out of the chains. We needed to find the key just to release him.”

I glared at him. Hindi ko na napigilan sa galit na bumangon sa dibdib ko. Nakalimutan ko na rin ang takot ko sa kanya. He’s the head of Bratva and he might have gotten offended but I didn’t care. My anger, frustrations, and pain were pushing me to act this way.

“He laughed, Serj! He laughed! He freaking laughed while those men tortured me! He was enjoying watching me suffer!”

I cried in frustration. Ni hindi ko man lang mapunasan ang mga luha ko. My hands were bandaged, my right shoulder had a sling, and I couldn’t move without feeling the pain. Kaya hinayaan ko na lang tumulo ang mga luha ko.

“He was my only hope back there. I thought he would do something to save me but he didn’t. He just watched. And among all those people in that room, I got scared of him the most.” I sobbed. “He didn’t care if those men tortured me. He didn’t care even if those men kill me.”

“He cared, Irina,” tahimik na sabi ni Serj.

Sunod-sunod akong napailing.

“You weren’t there, how would you even know that? You didn’t see the look in his eyes while he laughed. You didn’t see how much he enjoyed watching me scream in pain.”

I cried hard as fear slowly crept into me. Nagsimulang manginig ang katawan ko sa mga alaalang ’yon. Nahihirapan na rin akong huminga at sa bawat pagkuha ko ng hangin ay parang mas lalong nanginginig ang dibdib ko.

Mas lalong lumakas ang pag-iyak ko. I tried to block those memories but it was so damn hard. Kapag pumipikit ako ay mas malinaw ko lang nakikita ang mga alaala. It was frustrating.

“He lied,” I said between my sobs. “Killian lied. I just got caught up with his fight yet he didn’t even try to protect me.”

“I am deeply sorry for that, Irina. None of us anticipated what happened.”

I could hear sincerity in Serj’s voice but I was too upset. Umiling-iling ako, hindi tinatanggap ang sinabi n’ya.

“He should not have approached me in the first place. I was innocent! With the kind of life he’s had, he’s in no position to love or be with anyone! He’ll just get them killed in the end!”

Serj didn’t say anything as I cried. I was thankful for him. Ngayon ko lang nailabas ang nararamdaman ko. I didn’t have anyone right now. Si Serj lang. Ni hindi ko nga inaasahan na s’ya pa ang makakasama ko ngayon.

It wouldn’t erase what happened, it wouldn’t even change anything, but it helped me free all my bottled-up emotions inside my chest. ’Yung galit ko, ’yung takot ko… Alam kong hindi dapat kay Serj ibunton ang lahat ng ’yon. But he was the only one with me right now. And he’s Killian’s brother too.

“Then, people like us… should we give up on love? Did we not deserve to love someone because of the life we have?” He stared at me intently. “Is that what you really think, Irina?”

Napatingin ako kay Serj. There was something in his eyes that he was just trying to hide with his calmness. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was but I knew that he was affected by what I said.

I bit my lower lip as tears fell from my eyes again. I didn’t mean it. I was just… letting out all my emotions. Masyado akong nasaktan at nawalan na ako ng pakialam sa mga sasabihin ko. But I couldn’t really help it. Gusto ko naman unahin ang sarili ko at ang mga emosyon ko kahit ngayon lang.

“Serj…” I cried.

He chuckled. He smiled at me, understanding in his eyes. Mas lalo akong napaiyak kahit may Karapatan s’yang magalit dahil sa sinabi ko.

“It’s alright, Irina…”

He stood up. Napatingala ang sa kanya. My lips parted when he lightly bowed his head.

“As the head of the Bratva, I truly apologize for what happened. You might not need this, but still, I want to properly apologize as it was a failure on our part. We failed to protect you.”

“No, Serj—”

“But…” He looked at me. “I would like to tell you everything you didn’t know. You don’t need to think about it too hard though. I just want you to hear what I have to say… Could you give me some of your time to listen, Irina?”

He was so formal and so serious that I couldn’t help but nod. He said I didn’t have to think hard about it anyway and with how he took care of me, I figured I could give him this at least.

He gave me a small smile before he sat down again.

“The leader of the gang who took you and Killian was the son of the former leader who abducted Killian when he was a kid. You knew what my brother did with the former leader, right?” I nodded at Serj. “The son wanted to take revenge for what Killian did to his father that’s why he went after for something important to him… For someone that Kill’s love.”

Umiling ako. “Killian doesn’t love me.”

If he did, he would try everything to save me.

Ngumiti lang sa ’kin si Serj.

“Kill, as a kid, endured four years of torture with that gang. He had to learn their language as they would torture him more if he couldn’t understand what they were saying.”

I frowned. Saglit akong nag-isip. And when I finally connected the dots, a gasp escaped from my lips.

“Filipino…” That was why Killian could understand what those men were saying! “It happened in the Philippines?”

Serj nodded grimly. He was also staring hard at me.

“Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you, Irina?”

My frown deepened. ’Yung paraan ng pagkakatitig ni Serj sa ’kin, para bang inaasahan n’yang maiintindihan ko ang lahat sa mga sinabi n’ya lang.

“I don’t…” I trailed off. Napailing pa ako.

“Four years, Irina. The son became the head of that group. He adopted his father’s ways. So, of anyone else, Killian is the most familiar with how that group operates. He knows how they torture individuals since he lived through it for four years.”

“I still don’t understand, Serj…”

He took a deep breath. Natakot tuloy akong baka mawalan na s’ya ng pasensya dahil hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan ang sinasabi n’ya.

“Killian was trying to save you in his own way. He was trying to buy time for us to get there.”

Hindi makapaniwala akong napailing-iling sa kanya. I even let out a sarcastic laugh.

“He tried to save me by letting those men hurt me?”

“My brother knows how they torture people. They only inflicted pain and mostly didn’t give injuries that wouldn’t heal with a certain time.”

“Ano ba’ng sinasabi mo? They fucking broke my hand, Serj! They almost shattered my bones! I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to design anymore!”

“Because they found out that you’re a fashion designer. Killian wasn’t expecting they would do something with your hands.”

“Ano, ba, Serj?!” I was so frustrated. Alam kong malakas na ang boses ko pero sobrang naiinis na ako. “Are you really trying to defend your brother? I got hurt because of him and he didn’t even care.”

“No. I told you. I just want to tell you what really happened,” he said. “And you’re wrong. Killian cares for you.”

“He’s not! He laughed, Serj! If he really did love me, he wouldn’t act like he was enjoying my pain! He wouldn’t act as if I was nothing to him!”

“He had no choice but to do that. I told you, right? The son was out for vengeance on his father. The son would do to you what Killian did to his father the instant Killian showed any indication of his feelings for you. He’d have Killian watch it.”

Natigilan ako. I blinked the tears away from my eyes as I stared at Serj. May nakakakilabot na ideyang pumasok sa isip ko at nang makita ang kaseryosohan sa mga mat ani Serj, as if he was telling me that what I was thinking was right, my body started to tremble.

“What…?”

“The son wouldn’t hesitate to do that the moment Killian showed any emotion, Irina.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. The thought was too terrifying for me, I couldn’t grasp it. Nanginginig pa rin ang buong katawan ko.

“But…” my voice trembled. “If they already had an idea who I really am to Killian… they could’ve just k-ki—” I pursed my lips. Hindi ko kayang ituloy ang sasabihin ko.

“They wanted to make sure, Irina,” sabi ni Serj na mukhang naintindihan ang gusto kong sabihin. “You’re a famous person. A lot of people would look for you if you suddenly disappeared. I suppose they had the police on their side, but if a large number of people are looking for you, the police will have no choice but to investigate.”

“I would still about them to the police. They tortured me!”

“With only light injuries, you wouldn’t get the police to cooperate. I told you; the police were helping them.”

I was just so sick. Mas lalo ko tuloy pinagsisihan ang mga naging desisyon ko. I regretted getting tangled in this world.

Tanggap ko naman ang pagiging mafia ni Killian. But… I wasn’t expecting something like this. I got hurt. I got tortured. I almost lost my dream.

I gritted my teeth when tears pooled in my eyes. I still think I didn’t deserve any of this. Hindi dapat ako nasaktan ng ganito. I made wrong decisions pero hindi ko naman hiniling na masaktan ng sobra.

“Irina…” Serj’s voice was calm. “My brother tried to do everything to save you.”

I shook my head firmly.

“He’s strong. He shouldn’t let those men hurt me. He should’ve thought of something else to save me.”

“He couldn’t do anything at that moment, Irina. They made sure of him not to.”

“He’s strong!” I insisted.

Ilang sandali akong tinitigan ni Serj. Maya-maya ay napabuntong-hininga s’ya.

“You didn’t know, did you?” he asked.

“What?”

“Of what they also did to my brother.”

Napatitig lang ako sa kanya. Hindi ko na naman maintindihan ang gusto n’yang iparating.

“They shot him three times in the back, Irina. One of the bullets got stuck on his shoulder blades.”

Napaawang ang mga labi ko. I blinked at him, looking for anything to tell me that he wasn’t serious. But I couldn’t see in his eyes that he was lying.

“But…” I wet my lips. “I didn’t see any blood.”

Pinasadahan ko s’ya ng tingin nang magkaroon ako ng malay. Killian looked okay.

“What do you mean?” Serj frowned. “There was a pool of blood just under his seat— Oh.”

“What?”

“He didn’t want you to see it. He must’ve angled his body so you wouldn’t see his blood on the floor.”

I felt frustrated again. Naiinis ako. Nanlabo na naman ang mga mata ko dahil sa luha. Hindi na yata ako matigil sa kaiiyak ngayon.

I was sure that Killian was okay. He looked okay! He even laughed! He was talking normally!

“Serj, if you’re telling this so I will forgive Killian—”

“I’m not. I told you. I just want to tell you what really happened.”

Tuluyan na akong napaiyak. Serj looked like he wasn’t someone who would tell a lie for the sake of others. Mukhang hindi rin s’ya magsisinungaling para lang mapatawad o maintindihan ko ang ginawa ng kapatid n’ya.

But then, I remembered bits of memories when Serj came to rescue us. I remembered hearing something different in Killian’s voice. There was something wrong. He was coughing. He sounded… weak.

“My guess is that Killian regained consciousness when they were trying to chain him to the chair. They shot him in the back because they knew he was strong. And to make sure he wouldn’t be able to get away, they broke his right arm and ankles.”

“Serj…” I sobbed. “You’re lying…”

“Killian did everything he could to save you. He tried to buy time… for you. Even if it put him at risk as he was already losing so much blood. He was hoping that we would arrive in time to help you.”

Patuloy pa rin akong umiiling. No. I wouldn’t believe that easily. It didn’t mean anything.

“Time was the only hope he had to save you, Irina…” Serj continued in a soft voice. “Even if time was his enemy back there. The more he bought time, the more he bled out.”

I cried so hard. Pagod na pagod na ako sa kaiiyak pero hindi ko mapigilan. My heart hurt so much. For what happened. For what I had to endure. For what Killian did.

“No… I still won’t forgive him. I got hurt because of him,” humihikbi kong sabi. Nahirapan pa akong sabihin ’yon.

But Serj understood that. He nodded.

“I know… I just really want you to have an idea of what actually happened.”

Tumayo s’ya at lumipat ng pagkakaupo sa gilid ng kama ko. He tried to wipe the tears away on my face so I would see him clearly.

“So, stop thinking that you’re someone who’s not important. Stop thinking that you’re nothing. You’re worth saving, Irina. And Killian exactly knows that.”

Isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa balikat ni Serj at doon umiyak nang umiyak. Mas lumala pa iyon nang maramdaman ko ang marahan n’yang paghaplos sa buhok ko.

“Killian still hasn’t regained consciousness. So, if you want to make any decision, now’s the best time.”

Napahiwalay ako sa kanya at hindi makapaniwala s’yang tiningnan.

Serj gave me a warm smile.

“I’ll help you with it.”

Chapter 42

The beeping sounds from the machines were the first thing I noticed as soon as I entered the private room where Killian was admitted. But before I entered the room, the nurse made me wear a gown and gloves, giving me an idea of his condition. Pero hindi ko pa rin inaasahan and dinatnan ko sa loob ng kwartong ’yon.

Killian was lying on the bed. There were so many tubes connected to his body. He was intubated, and a tube was inserted in his mouth that was connected to the ventilator machine to help him breathe… Because he couldn’t do it himself.

Serj already told me that Killian hasn’t regained consciousness. But I wasn’t prepared to see him like this.

He wasn’t moving… At all. There weren’t any signs of life in him, only from the machine that was monitoring his heart rate. But the beeping sound wasn’t even enough to assure me that he was still alive, as he was so pale.

Killian looked… lifeless.

Marahan akong napasinghap. My feet were frozen on the spot. Natatakot akong lumapit sa kamang ’yon. I just stared at Killian, confused. When Serj said that he hadn’t regained consciousness, I thought that he was just recovering.

“I… I don’t—” Napailing ako. Hindi ko na magawang alisin ang tingin ko kay Killian. “I don’t understand. Why… why is he like this?”

“He has a severe concussion and is in a coma right now. His body went into shock as he lost too much blood because of so many injuries.”

Marahas akong napatingin kay Serj. Kahit na nakita ko kung ano talagang kalagayan ni Killian, hindi ko pa rin mapaniwalaan ang lahat. It was taking me a while before I could process everything Serj was telling me.

I knew about the injury to his head. I saw how his body fell to the ground when the man hit him in the head with a baseball. I saw how the pavement got stained with his blood and how it kept on flowing out na para bang doon pa lang ay mauubos na ang dugo n’ya.

I remembered a man hitting me in the back of my head too. But the impact was just enough to render me unconscious. May palagay pa nga akong baril ang ginamit nila sa ’kin, unlike kay Killian na baseball bat. As if they didn’t care if he died with the force.

“If we were a second late, he wouldn’t make it to the hospital.”

“But he was fine when we were in that room!” I said. “He didn’t look like he was suffering with anything!”

He didn’t look like he was in pain. He looked okay—so okay that I even thought he was enjoying what was happening instead. Wala akong nahalatang kahit ano.

That was why I couldn’t believe what happened to him. Kahit na nga nandito na ako sa loob ng hospital room n’ya at ni hindi man lang s’ya gumagalaw, my mind still wasn’t able to grasp reality.

“He needed to be,” Serj said. He was looking at Killian with an expression I couldn’t read. “You were in danger, Irina. And Killian wanted, more than anything else, to save you. That was why he couldn’t let himself be troubled with those injuries.”

“How…?”

Serj looked at me. He shrugged his shoulders.

“I’ve always known that Kill had strange resilience since I heard what happened to him as a kid… but not to this extent.” He chuckled as he looked at Killian again. “Even the doctor was surprised at how he was able to stay conscious that long, especially with a severe concussion and when he was already losing too much blood.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I didn’t know what to say.

“But I knew why though,” he said, barely a whisper. “He had to save you.”

Because I was still looking at Serj, I saw how his lips slowly stretched for a small smile. There was a sense of pride in his eyes as he looked at his brother. My lips parted with the gentleness I saw in him. It was so opposite on the harsh features of his face and the dangerous aura that was surrounding him.

Simula naman nang magising ako rito sa hospital, ilang beses ko nang nakita ang mga ganitong side n’ya. Still, it left me astounded every time. Hindi ko mapaniwalaan na ang isang tulad n’ya, the head of the Bratva, could make such a gentle expression like this. It was clear how much he cared for his brother.

I looked at Killian. I hated him. I hated that he didn’t do anything when those men were hurting me. I hated how he just watched me suffer. I hated it when I begged for his help but he didn’t help me.

But… I didn’t know what he endured. I didn’t know about his situation.

Apart from the men in the room with us, I was told that there were perhaps twenty men in that group. The others stood guard outside the house. The leader was determined that Killian would not be able to escape or survive after that, so he had so many men prepared.

When Nikolaj was telling me this, there was a proud look on Serj’s face. Even Lev was smirking while Ioann was laughing as if it amused him. They were all proud that the enemies saw Killian as someone strong that it needed them that many men to beat him.

Pero isa lang ang naisip ko nang marinig ko ’yon. We wouldn’t really be able to escape. If Killian fought with the men in the room with us, those men outside would barge in and stop him even before he could save me. And the fact that he had so many injuries. It was impossible at all.

Maybe Killian knew that he was outnumbered. Of course… He knew how that group worked. He knew their tactics.

That was why Serj said that time was Killian’s only hope. He was waiting for his brother to save us. He knew that Serj would come for us so he bought time for as long as he could… enduring his many injuries.

“I didn’t know…” mahina kong tanong nang tingnan ulit si Killian. “I had no idea what he had to endure yet I hated him. Maybe he wouldn’t be like this if I wasn’t with him.”

Because I remembered before those men took us. Hawak ako nu’ng mga lalaki that was why Killian couldn’t fight back. He didn’t fight back and instead lowered his gun just like what the leader told him.

Maybe… maybe if I wasn’t there with him, he would be able to get away. The leader wouldn’t be able to smash his head with the baseball bat as Killian would fight him. He wouldn’t get injured. He wouldn’t be in a coma—

“The fuck are you talking about?”

Napapitlag ako sa rahas at galit na narinig ko sa boses ni Serj. When I looked at him, he was frowning at me. He looked so mad that I unconsciously took a step back away from him.

“I didn’t tell you everything just so you’d feel guilty. I told you, didn’t I? I wanted you to know everything that happened.” He took a deep breath. “You got hurt and I completely understand your anger. I’d even understand if you couldn’t forgive my brother… And it was those fucking bastards who made him this way, so don’t you fucking dare blame yourself when you were both victims.”

I bit my lower lip. Napakurap-kurap ako nang magtubig ang mga mata ko.

“But I’m sure Kill will get back to them for what they did to you.” Serj chuckled. There was an ominous smirk on his lips. “It’ll be fun to watch. I should prepare my favorite brandy.”

My lips parted as I looked at Serj. There was a cruel look in his blue eyes. The smirk on his lips was getting more terrifying the longer I stared at him as if he was looking forward to what Killian would do to those men. Gone was the gentleness that I saw in him earlier.

Magkapatid nga sila ni Killian…

“You don’t look like you’re worried about Killian,” I blurted out.

He looked at me before he chuckled.

“I know my brother will wake up… He’s tough,” he said. Maya-maya ay napasimangot. He looked mad again. “Though, I’m fucking pissed that he’s surely taking his fucking time.”

Napangiti na ako. I understand him though. Knowing Killian, I’m sure he’ll wake up too.

“I’ll give you time so you can talk to him,” Serj said. He shrugged when I looked at him. “The doctor said he can hear us and it’ll help him.”

I nodded.

“Thank you, Serj.”

When he went out of the room, hindi kaagad ako nakakilos. I looked at Killian again. For a moment, I was expecting him to get up.

Naalala ko iyong mga pagkakataong magkatabi kami sa kama. I always love watching him get up first. Gustong-gusto ko kasi kapag tinitingnan n’ya akong nakahiga pa rin sa kama. Then he would smile at me before he would lean down and gave me a deep kiss. He always kissed deeply as if he couldn’t get enough of my lips.

But now, Killian was alone in that bed. He was lying still, there wasn’t any movement from him. The machine continued on beeping, monitoring his heartbeat. The ventilator was helping him to breathe as if he wouldn’t be able to breathe on his own.

Nagsimulang sumikip ang dibdib ko. I took a deep breath to calm myself before I took steps closer to his bed. I couldn’t look at him like this. I couldn’t take it. But I know I had to, for myself, as it would help me understand things easier. It would help me digest what really happened.

My eyes teared up when I saw his face closer. He looked like death. Napatingin pa nga ako sa heart monitor at hindi pa ako nakuntento roon. I wanted to check his pulse. I wanted to know any signs of life in him.

I bit my lower lip when tears fell from my eyes. Sinubukan kong pigilan ang paghikbi ko. I didn’t want Killian to hear it. I didn’t want him to know that I was hurting.

Shit… I didn’t know what to feel. I was angry at him. I was still mad at him. Alam kong hindi n’ya kasalanan, hindi n’ya ginustong masaktan ako. I knew it by now. But there was still part of me that thought that it was unfair. There was still that unanswered question of why I needed to get hurt. Why was my dream almost taken away from me? Why did I have to suffer like this?

Maybe those questions would remain unanswered. Maybe I wouldn’t understand everything. I wouldn’t understand Killian’s life as a mafia. Or maybe there will come a time that I will be able to, at least, even a bit, but right now… I couldn’t process everything.

But there was one thing I could understand. That Killian did try to save me with the only choice he had.

“Killian…”

I gently caressed his forehead using the back of my fingers that were exposed from the bandages. Hindi ganoong kalala ang nangyari sa kaliwang kamay ko kumpara sa kanang kamay ko. I guess those men were aware that my right hand was my dominant hand. Siguro, inalam din nila ang tungkol sa ’kin. Otherwise, they wouldn’t know how I was connected with Killian.

I stared at Killian. Nangingitim ang pangahan n’ya as his stubbles were growing each day. I wanted to feel them against my palm, like how I did whenever I was kissing him. Pero natatakot akong hawakan s’ya. Natatakot akong mas lumala pa ang lagay n’ya.

“Killian…” I whispered.

Kapag ganoong tinatawag ko ang pangalan n’ya, he would always answer. He would always look at me, staring straight into my eyes while patiently waiting for what I had to say. Kung minsan, sinasadya ko pang hindi agad magsalita dahil gustong-gusto kong titigan ang berde n’yang mga mata.

But now… his eyes remained closed. It didn’t even look like he could hear me even if I was in front of him.

I hated him. I still hate him. Alam kong hindi mawawala iyon hangga’t hindi ko natatanggap ang mga nangyari. I hated how I got hurt because of him. He didn’t want it, I knew that by now, pero hindi talaga maalis sa ’kin ang galit dahil sa nangyari.

But… I never want to see him like this. It was hurting me as well. Despite the anger I feel, he remains in my heart.

“I didn’t know that you’re such a sleepy head.” Nanginig ang boses ko. “Wake up, Killian…”

He remained still. I smiled bitterly. I really didn’t know what to feel.

I wanted him to wake up. I wanted to see his deep green eyes staring back at me. I wanted to hear his voice. Pero hindi ako sigurado sa magiging reaksyon ko kapag nangyari ang lahat ng ’yon.

I still can’t forget what happened back in that room. I still couldn’t forget the indifference I saw in his eyes while those men were torturing me. I still can’t forget how he laughed at my suffering.

I knew he needed to do that. But… it left a scar on me. And I didn’t know what to do with these feelings.

“Serj told me everything.” I cleared my throat. “I know now why you did that. It was the only way to save me. You did it so those men wouldn’t kill me. And now, I am given another chance to live. I could draw again. I could design again.”

Kinagat ko ang loob ng ibabang labi ko nang magsimula iyong manginig. If Killian could really hear me, I didn’t want him to know that I was crying.

“But… I’m still having trouble understanding everything. It still hurts. I’m still in pain. I don’t want to blame you for what happened to me, for what those men did. But I’m having a hard time sorting out my emotions.”

I took a deep shaky breath. I felt bad. Pero hindi ko na kasi alam kung ano’ng gagawin. I didn’t even know if talking with Killian right now was a good thing.

Paano kung naririnig nga n’ya ako? What would he feel if he knew I was blaming him despite what he had to do, what he had to endure just to save me? He almost died saving me and yet… and yet I still felt this way.

Tiningnan ko ang kanang kamay kong nakabenda. The doctor said to refrain using it. Mabuti na lang at mabilis naman dawn a gagaling ang kaliwang kamay ko. It didn’t have any broken bones. Nabugbog lang and a few weeks and I could use my left hand again.

But… with what happened to my right hand…

I looked at Killian again. I really didn’t want to hate him. I didn’t want to blame him. But the pain was still here, making it hard for me to understand everything.

Wala naman sigurong masama kung hahayaan ko munang magalit ang sarili ko, ’di ba? Serj even said he could understand. Will Killian understand too?

“Still… if anyone would ask me what’s the happiest moment in my life, I would say it was with you. And those moments with you… I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I don’t regret spending time with you.”

I leaned down. Marahan kong hinalikan ang noo n’ya.

“Thank you for protecting me.”

I walked out of his room with a heavy feeling. I thought it would help me to talk with Killian kaya pumayag ako sa gusto ni Serj nang tinanong n’ya ako kung gusto ko bang bisitahin si Killian. Pero mas lalo lang bumigat ang dibdib ko nang makita ang kalagayan n’ya.

I wasn’t the only one who suffered in that room. He was as well, he just pretended not to be. Na para bang noong dumatin sina Serj ay saka lang hinayaan ni Killian na maramdaman ang panghihina. I didn’t know how he could do it. He must’ve been in so much pain that time. Hindi ko alam kung paano n’ya nakaya iyon nang ganoong katagal.

I found Serj sitting on the hall bench near my room. His legs were crossed while reading another book. Mukhang hinihintay akong bumalik. Tahimik akong lumapit at umupo, isang upuan ang pagitan lang sa kanya. He didn’t even look away from the book he was reading, but I was sure he knew that I was here.

I took a deep breath. Ang sabi ng doctor ay pwede na akong lumabas sa isang araw. He said that it would be best if I had someone to look after me. Hindi ko pa rin kasi talaga pwedeng gamitin ang kanang kamay ko lalo pa at may sugat din ako sa kanang balikat.

Pero wala kasi akong pinagsabihan ng nangyari sa ’kin. I didn’t want my parents to know what happened. I didn’t want them to say anything bad about Killian. Ayokong isipin nilang pinagsisisihan kong piliin si Killian nang gabing ’yon.

Because I didn’t… I treasured every moment I had with him.

“Why did you tell me that now is the best time to make any decisions while Killian is still unconscious?” I asked Serj after a while of silence.

“So you’ll know you have a choice. You can decide freely.” He turned a page of the book. Ni hindi man lang ako sinulyapan.

I looked at him. Ilang sandali ko muna s’yang tinitigan.

“It seems like you’re suggesting me to leave,” I said. “That I can if I want to.”

I saw him slightly lifting the side of his lips for a smirk before he closed the book he was holding. He then looked at me.

“Only if you want to.”

I frowned.

“Why?”

He took a deep breath. He put the book on the vacant seat between us. He leaned his back on the backrest and looked at me with his eyes full of sincerity.

“You need time,” he said. “You both need time… don’t you think?”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I guess when he told me to decide, I wasn’t considering anything. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ba’ng dapat kong gawin pagkatapos nito. And it was as if Serj knew how I couldn’t think of anything that was why he gave me an idea.

Time… We needed time again. Just like how it became our only hope back in that room. Just like how Killian knew what we needed and I wasn’t just aware of it… because I didn’t know anything.

But now, it was what we needed again. Time…

“You want me to leave Killian?” I whispered.

“I want you to heal, Irina,” Serj clarified. “I want you to recover. I want you to give yourself time to think.”

I looked away from him. Maybe… maybe he was right. I really needed time to think of everything. I need time to understand. I need time to sort out my emotions. I need time to adjust myself.

I need time… so I can draw again and continue reaching my dreams again.

But… I didn’t want to go back to my parents. I didn’t want them to see me like this.

I didn’t want to bother Annika to take care of me. She was busy with her career.

“I don’t know where to go…” I admitted.

But the moment those words left my lips, I already found my answer. Isang lugar ang pumasok sa isip ko. Isang tao ang gusto kong mag-alaga sa ’kin ngayon.

With that thought, I burst out crying.

“Looks like you found your way,” I heard Serj said.

Sunod-sunod akong tumango.

“I want to go Philippines,” I said between my sobs. “I want to be with my grandma.”

Serj chuckled lightly.

“Alright…”

After I got discharged from the hospital, I started to get ready to go to my grandmother’s. Serj did help me with what I needed. He even hired a nurse to take care of me na pwede kong isama sa Pilipinas. Pero tumanggi ako. Ayokong masyadong mabigla si Lola kung may iba akong kasama. But Serj insisted that I still needed a nurse who could help me with my hands. He said he’d hire a Filipino nurse instead once I got to the Philippines. Hindi na ako nakaangal.

I had no choice but to cancel my upcoming fashion show. I posted on my website and social media accounts. Some reporters reached out to me, asking for my interview as many people were already looking forward to the fashion show. Pero kung ano ang sinabi kong dahilan, that I was physically unable to hold the show anymore, iyon lang talaga ang binigay kong rason.

Tinawagan din ako ni Annika at gustong makipagkita sa ’kin. Pero tumanggi ako. Ayokong makita n’ya kung ano’ng sitwasyon ko ngayon. It was a good thing that she was currently out of the country kaya hindi n’ya ako mabisita nang basta sa condo ko.

I contemplated calling my parents. Pero sa huli, hindi ko ginawa. Alam kong hindi ko na magagawang magsinungaling kapag nagtanong sila kung anong nangyari. Hindi ko rin sila mapipigilan kung sakaling gustuhin nilang puntahan ako.

But maybe… they didn’t even want to talk to me again.

“I’m sorry if I couldn’t go with you to the Philippines,” sabi ni Serj habang pareho kaming nasa backseat ng kotse n’ya. Lev was driving us to the hangar where Serj’s private plane was. Nahiya pa nga akong ipapagamit n’ya sa ’kin ’yon.

I shook my head.

“You’ve done so much for me already, Serj, when you didn’t even have to.”

He chuckled.

“I promised Killian I’d take care of you.” He sighed. “It’s not the right time for me to go back to the Philippines though.”

Gulat akong napatingin sa kanya.

“You’ve been to the Philippines?”

He nodded. There was a smirk on his lips.

“My mother is a Filipina.”

Mas lalo lang yata akong nagulat. Killian already mentioned that Serj wasn’t a pure Russian, that his mother wasn’t a Russian kaya mahirap ang pinagdaanan n’ya bago naging Pakhan ng Romanov Family. But I wasn’t expecting that he’s a half-Filipino too!

“Marunong kang mag-Tagalog?” I asked.

“I’m still learning the language,” he said with a chuckle.

“Si Killian ba ang nagtuturo sa ’yo?”

He shook his head. He was still smirking but there was something in his eyes. He looked mad and… hurt.

“No. He didn’t want to.”

“But he can speak the language too, right? I mean, he completely understood what those men were saying!”

Alam ko. He could understand and speak fluently. Naintindihan n’ya ang sinabi ng leader ng grupong ’yon kahit na Tagalog ang gamit n’yang salita.

I closed my eyes and grimaced when I remembered those times I was talking with Lola while Killian was around. Naintindihan ni Killian ang lahat ng sinabi ko! Ang iba pa naman ay nakakahiyang kwento ang pinag-uusapan naming ni Lola!

That was one of the reasons why I hated Killian. He never told me about it. Palagay ko ay sinadya n’yang hindi sabihin sa ’kin. Sinadya n’yang hindi banggitin na sa Pilipinas nangyari ang ikinuwento n’ya kung paano s’ya natagpuan ng ama nila ni Serj.

“He doesn’t want to speak that language again, Irina. He never even wanted to hear it.”

I frowned at him.

“Why?”

Serj took a deep breath.

“It was a reminder of what happened to him when he was a child, of how he forced himself to learn the language so his abductors wouldn’t beat him more… It was a reminder of his suffering.”

I stilled. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig kay Serj. I heard what he said but my mind was refusing to understand it.

Because my mind knew that the moment I processed what Serj told me, it would hurt me greatly.

Pero hindi ko pwedeng iwasang hindi maintindihan ’yon. Hindi ko pwedeng magpanggap na hindi ko naiintindihan ang sinabi n’ya. Because I did. I heard it clearly. I understand it so well.

That was why my chest was hurting right now. My eyes watered. Hindi ko na napigilan sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko.

Then… those times when I was talking with Lola… he was hurting? Naaalala n’ya ba ang nangyari sa kanya noon habang masaya akong nakikipag-usap kay Lola?

I didn’t know. He never said anything. He never told me he didn’t want to hear anyone speaking that language. I didn’t know it was a language he hated. Pagkatapos niyaya ko pa s’yang pumunta ng Pilipinas!

Oh, God… I was hurting him unconsciously.

“Serj…” I was sobbing uncontrollably. “Serj, hindi ko— I didn’t know.”

“He loved watching you talking with your grandmother, Irina… He said you looked so happy.” There was a soft smile on Serj’s lips when he said that.

Mas lalo tuloy akong napaiyak. I ranted on Killian how I couldn’t talk in that language when my parents were around. Sa kanya pa talaga ako nagreklamo na hindi ko makausap si Lola kahit gustong-gusto ko.

And yet, it was he who suggested that I could call my grandmother anytime when I was with him. Tuwang-tuwa pa ako nu’ng sinabi n’ya ’yon.

“It’s okay, Irina…” Serj said. “We both know how my brother is. He’ll tell you if you’re doing anything he didn’t want.”

“I hurt him!” I cried.

He shook his head.

“No… You made him happy.”

Nakarating na kami sa private hangar nang hindi pa rin ako kumakalma sa pag-iyak. I was still sobbing so hard even when we got out of the car. But Serj patiently waited for me to calm down. Maging si Lev at Nikolaj na sasamahan ako papuntang Pilipinas ay matyagang naghintay lang na tumigil ako sa pag-iyak.

Pinilit ko na lang ang sarili kong tumigil. I could cry on the plane later. Sa ngayon, kailangan ko nang magpaalam kay Serj.

“Thank you, Serj,” naiiyak na namang sabi ko sa pagbaha ng emosyon. My voice even trembled as I looked at my right hand. “Thank you for getting the best doctors to operate with my hands.”

“I made a promise with Killian,” he said. “Besides, I know someone who wants to be a designer as well. So, I’m kind of aware of how important your hands are to your passion.”

When he mentioned that someone, I saw something in his eyes. Isang emosyong hindi ko akalaing makikita sa kanya. Isang emosyong nakikitaa ko rin sa mga mata ni Killian kapag tumitingin s’ya sa ’kin.

“If she ever needs help with fashion designing, just tell me. I can help her.”

He chuckled.

“I’ll take your word for it.”

My smile widened. He didn’t even deny that it was a woman.

“But really… I don’t know how I can make it up to you,” I said.

“Just promise me that you’ll get better, Irina.”

I smiled at him.

“I will.”

“And once you’re ready… I hope you’ll talk with my brother. You don’t have to forgive him. Just… talk and listen to him.”

I didn’t say anything. Malungkot lang akong ngumiti sa kanya. I didn’t want to promise him anything. Hindi ko pa kasi masasabi ang lahat ngayon.

But it seemed like Serj understood that. He nodded and smiled softly at me.

“I’m really sorry for what happened, Irina… I hope that there will come a time when pain will become distant memories.”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. I closed our distance and hugged him. I felt his body shake when he chuckled with no sound. I forced myself not to cry when I felt him caress my hair with so much gentleness.

I never had an older brother. But I was thankful that I got to experience having one in Serj’s stead.

“Thank you so much, Serj… for everything.”

When he let go of me, he gave me a smile with so much tenderness.

“Take care, Irina.”

Chapter 43

My hand trembled as I held the pencil. I took a deep breath and slowly released it, trying to calm myself. Ilang beses ko pa iyong ginawa habang pinanatiling blangko ang utak ko na hindi madaling gawin noong una pero nang tumagal ay natutunan ko nang gawin. And when I finally calmed down, I began to scribble on the sketch pad.

I was still nervous when the pencil connected to the pad. Ilang sandali ko pang inobserbahan ang galaw ng kamay ko habang tuloy pa rin sa pagguhit. I did a few more strokes and when I noticed na kontrolado ko pa rin ang paggalaw ng kamay ko, I was finally able to relax.

Napangiti na ako nang magtuloy-tuloy ang pagguhit ko. I’ve already finished a few designs since my hand fully recovered but the anxiousness and frustration that I felt when I tried to draw again a year after being in rehab were still fresh in me. Palagay ko ay hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang pakiramdam na ’yon.

The time when I was in rehab was really frightening. Lalo na noong hindi sumusunod ang kanang kamay ko sa gusto kong gawin. The therapist made me do a lot of exercise for my hand, which always frustrated me when I couldn’t do it. Ilang beses sinabi ng therapist na ayos lang ang ganoon. That was always the case at first. Kailangan lang ng tyaga at pasensya sa pagpapagaling.

But I was so scared at that time. Natakot akong hindi na bumalik sa dati ang kamay ko kahit na sinabi ng doctor at ng therapist na gagaling iyon. But whenever I saw how my hand tremor with just a little movement I made or when I couldn’t even move it like the way I wanted, halos mawalan na ako nang pag-asa noon. I almost gave up.

It was a few weeks more when my hand showed improvement. Natuwa ako. I saw hope again. Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpapagaling at hindi ako pumalya sa iniinom kong gamot. My grandma supported me. Isa s’ya sa dahilan kung bakit hindi ako sumuko kahit pakiramdam ko ay wala nang pag-asang gumaling ang kanang kamay ko.

But when I tried to pick up a pencil and draw again, emptiness filled my chest. I felt so helpless. Nawala ulit ang pag-asa sa dibdib ko. And it got worse and worse each day.

I couldn’t even draw a straight line at that time. My right hand didn’t listen to me anymore. I couldn’t put my ideas on the sketch pad and it frustrated the fucking hell out of me. At habang patuloy kong sinusubukang gumuhit ulit, mas lalong nawawalan ng pag-asa sa dibdib ko. It felt like my talent just snatched away from me right then.

Noong mga panahong iyon, mas lumalala ang galit sa dibdib ko. Bumabalik ang nangyari sa ’kin. Mas lalo akong nagagalit sa mga taong gumawa noon sa ’kin. I even wished the worst for them.

Nagalit din ako sa mga taong nasa paligid ko. I hated my mother for making me feel that I needed to be perfect. I hated my dad for disowning me so easily. I hated Yulia as she got all the nicest things in the world. I hated the doctor for lying to me. I hated my therapist for not doing a good job.

And I hated Killian for causing all of this. I hated him the most.

And then I’d cry. I’d cry for being so unreasonable. Lalo na noong nagalit din ako kay Lola dahil sinusubukan n’yang pagaanin ang loob ko. She tried soothing me with words, giving me advice. Pero mas nagalit lang ako noon.

All I could think of was my pain and struggle. Iyon lang ang naiintindihan ko nang mga panahong ’yon. Words and actions back then would just anger me more.

I felt like I was inside this void where there was only darkness surrounding me. An endless darkness where I couldn’t see any light. At ako lang mag-isa ang nandoon. It felt suffocating. It felt empty. Pakiramdam ko, unting-unting kinukuha ng kadilimang ’yon ang kung ano pang natitira sa ’kin.

I couldn’t even ask for help. I know people were trying to help me. My grandma was just there pero ayokong humingi ng tulong. I couldn’t even understand myself. I wanted someone to hear me. I wanted someone to be with me in that void. I wanted someone to help me. But I didn’t want anyone to be near me. I didn’t want anyone to talk to me.

It came to the point where I hated holding a pencil. I hated seeing a sketchpad. Sinunog ko ang lahat ng ’yon. I hated drawing. I hated making designs.

I hated my hand. I hated myself.

But… Lola didn’t give up on me. Binilhan n’ya ako ng sketchpad at lapis noon. Ikinagalit ko pa nga. Nagalit ako sa kanya. But she just smiled at me and told me that she wanted to draw. Pero ako raw ang hahawak sa lapis.

She was holding my hand, moving it while I was holding the pencil. And what she drew made me burst into tears.

A smiling face.

Kagaya noong sticker na idinidikit ng teacher sa I.D. ko kapag perfect ang scores ko sa test noong kinder ako. At masayang-masaya akong ipinapakita iyon kay Lola.

Ang tagal kong umiyak noon. Pero si Lola, yakap lang ako, hinahaplos ang buhok. I cried and cried and cried.

And cried.

And then I tried. Again. I tried to draw, to make designs again. But this time, I didn’t give up.

Narinig ko muna ang ilang katok sa pinto ng kwarto ko bago bumukas iyon. Pumasok si Lola dala ang isang baso ng gatas. She smiled when she saw me sitting in front of my work table.

“Sabi na nga ba’t hindi ka pa natutulog,” she said as she walked towards me.

I smiled guiltily. It was almost midnight but I was still awake. Ang gusto kasi ni Lola, by ten in the evening, tulog na ako. Actually, nine in the evening pa nga ang gusto n’ya talaga, tumawad lang ako ng ten kasi masyadong maaga ang nine. Akala yata ni Lola ay bata pa rin ako na kailangang ganoong kaaga matulog.

But then, with the state I was in when I came here, hindi naman ako makaangal noon. And I knew I needed to go to bed early for my body to recover quickly back then.

But now, lumalagpas na ng midnight bago pa ako matulog.

“Ikaw din naman, ’La, gising pa, eh,” sabi ko pa.

“Aba, nagrarason pa talaga ang batang ’to, oh,” she said as she gave me the warm glass of milk. “Ang laki-laki mo na, pasaway ka pa rin.

“Ang gulo mo po, Lola. Kasasabi mo lang na bata ako tapos biglang ang laki-laki ko na. Ang bilis ko naman pong lumaki?”

“Aba’t—”

Umakto pa s’yang hahampasin ako kaya mabilis akong umiwas habang natatawa. Muntik pa tuloy matapon ang gatas na hawak ko. Ininuman ko na para mabawasan.

“Tapusin ko lang po ’to bago matulog.” I pointed at the sketchpad. “Malapit na naman po akong matapos.”

Sinilip ni Lola ang ginagawa ko.

“Nakagawa ka ulit ng bagong disenyo?” she asked.

“Hmm. ’Pag natapos ko po ’to, susubukan ko nang tahiin.”

“Sumusunod na ulit ang kamay mo sa ’yo?”

“Opo,” nakangiti kong sagot.

I stared at my right hand. The scar that I got when the doctor operated on my hand was visible. Hindi naman ganoong kahalata kung hindi pagtutuunan ng pansin ang kamay ko o titigan nang ilang segundo. It was hideous to look at, especially with my fair and smooth skin. Parang naliligaw ang peklat na ’yon sa makinis kong balat.

Still, I didn’t get rid of it even when the doctor or therapist suggested it. Ayokong… kalimutan ang nangyari. And… it was a reminder that even if I experienced something horrible, I got through it. I went back up on my feet and started again.

Pakiramdam ko, malakas ako. Na kahit ano pa’ng problema ang pagdaanan ko pa ay makakayanan ko.

“Buti, Lola, hindi kayo nawawalan ng pasensya sa ’kin kapag pasaway ako,” I said. Inubos ko na ang gatas na iniinom ko.

She smiled at me. Marahan n’yang hinaplos ang buhok ko.

“Gano’n talaga kapag mahal mo, apo. Pagpapasensyahan mo. Iintindihin mo. Bibigyan mo ng oras na makabalik kapag naliligaw. Hinding-hindi mo susukuan.”

I smiled at her. Ramdam ko ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko.

“Thank you, Lola… Salamat kasi hindi naubos ’yung pagmamahal n’yo sa ’kin.”

She pulled me for a hug. Dahil nakaupo ako at nakatayo s’ya ay ipinulupot ko ang mga braso ko sa bewang n’ya. I buried my face in her stomach and inhaled her scent.

“Hinding-hindi, Irina… Palagi lang akong nasa tabi mo, gagabayan ka.”

I wonder… I wonder how I managed to live without her. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko natagalan na isa o dalawang beses lang s’ya nakakausap sa isang taon noon.

I was so guilty when I went to the Philippines, injured and so out of myself. Iniwan ko na nga si Lola, pagkatapos nang bumalik ako ay nagpaalaga pa ako sa kanya where I should be the one to take care of her instead.

Pero walang sinabi si Lola tungkol doon. Ang nakita ko lang sa mukha n’ya ay ang pag-aalala sa mga sugat ko pero mas nangibabaw ang katuwaan na makita at makasama ako ulit.

Kaya nang gumaling ako, nang kinaya ko na ulit igalaw ang kanang kamay ko, ako naman ang nag-alaga kay Lola. ’Yung mga hindi ko nagawa noon sa kanya, ginagawa ko ngayon. Mas higit pa. Sinusubukan kong bumawi sa kanya sa mga panahong mag-isa lang s’ya.

It turned out that there was a good thing that came out of the horrible thing that happened to me. Nakasama ko na ulit si Lola pagkatapos nang mahabang panahon.

“Malapit na po pa lang masira ’yung cardigan mo, Lola. Palagi n’yo po kasing suot. Gagawan na lang po kita ng bago.”

“Maayos pa naman, ah?” Niyuko pa ni Lola ang cardigan.

“May tastas na po rito. Magtutuloy-tuloy na po ’yan,” I said. Hinawakan ko pa ang parteng tinutukoy ko. “Gagawa na lang po ulit ako.”

“Maisusuot pa naman!”

I frowned.

“Iyan kasi ang lagi n’yong isinusuot kaya lumuluma na po. Ni hindi n’yo man lang ginagamit ’yung cardigan na regalo ko po noong birthday n’yo years ago pa.”

“Bakit ba, eh, sa ito ang gusto kong isuot? Hayaan mo na ko’t hindi naman nagrereklamo ’tong damit.”

“Eh, Lola—”

“Bilisan mo na d’yan at madaling-araw na, Irina! Ang sinabi ko’y matulog ka nang maaga pero kabaligtaran ang ginagawa mo.”

Hindi ko na ipinilit ang gusto ko. I knew the reason why she loved to wear that particular cardigan anyway.

It was my first creation after my hand recovered and I tried designing again.

I was still experiencing the effects of my injury at that time. Hirap pa akong kontrolin ang kamay ko noon. There were still tremors back then at kapag nagtatagal ang paggamit ko sa kamay ko, nararamdaman ko ang sakit at pangagalay.

The lines on my sketch pad weren’t solid. Pero tuwang-tuwa ako nang matapos ko ang pattern sa cardigan na ’yon. The cuts weren’t even. Even the stitches weren’t clean. The end product looked like it was made by someone who had just started designing.

But Lola loved it still. Ang sabi n’ya, patunay daw kasi ’yon na gumagaling na ang kamay ko. Na babalik din ako sa pagdidisenyo. And that I could go back to my career again.

Noong panahong gusto ko nang sukuan ang sarili ko, si Lola ang naniwala na makakaya ko. Na makakaya ko ulit.

“Pupunta po pala ako bukas ng mall, ’La. Bibili ako ng tela,” I said. “I mean mamaya na pala.”

“Sasamahan ba kita?”

I shook my head.

“Hindi na po. Saglit lang din naman ako. Gusto ko nang tahiin ’tong bagong design na gawa ko.”

Tumango si Lola at nagpaalam na matutulog na. Dala n’ya ang basong wala ng laman sa paglabas n’ya.

I have been designing as much as I can these past months. Lahat ng ideyang pumapasok sa isip ko ay iginuguhit ko kaagad. Pagkatapos ay tatahiin ko na.

Gusto ko kasing masanay ulit ang mga kamay ko, lalo na ang kanan, sa pagguhit. I wanted my hand to remember the feeling of the pencil and the surface of the sketch pad. I wanted them to be a muscle memory again as they became strangers to me when I was in rehab. I wanted them to feel as if it was connected to my body as if it were a part of my body. Gusto ko ulit silang mahalin.

After trying again and again, I have already made three decent designs. And I know soon, I will be able to create clothes with the same quality as I did before.

But I was hoping I could do better than before.

I went to the mall after lunch to buy everything I needed para sa damit na gagawin ko. Plano ko na sanang umuwi kaagad pero nang mapadaanan ako sa activity center ng mall, I found out that they were holding an event. A fashion exhibit… of gowns and tuxedos.

I couldn’t stop myself from looking around. Hindi pa nagsisimula ang event but the designs were already displayed kaya may mga katulad ko ang nagtitingin-tingin din. Mula sa mga hindi pa kilalang designers ang mga naka-display doon, hoping that their fate would somehow change in this event so I was so sure that the organizers invited directors, bloggers, and reporters to give them a chance.

I could see some people looking at me, following me with their gaze. Ang iba pa nga ay natutulala at mukhang hindi makapaniwala. And I was pretty certain that they recognized me but was just uncertain if I was really the one whom they thought of. Like, why would Irina Morozova be in the Philippines? In this small event?

“Excuse me…”

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa ’kin. A man wearing an I.D. indicated that he was one of the designers participating in the event. There was uncertainty in his eyes as he looked at me.

“Are you…” Mukha s’yang kinakabahan. “Are you Irina Morozova?”

I smiled at him and shook my head.

“No… Marami ngang nagsasabi sa ’king kamukha ko s’ya.”

Mukhang nagulat ang lalaki sa pagta-Tagalog ko. Pero mukhang naniwala naman s’ya. He must’ve thought that no matter how I looked like her, there was no way that Irina Morozova could speak in tagalog so fluently.

“I’m sorry. Sobrang kamukha mo lang kasi talaga s’ya,” nahihiyang sabi ng lalaki.

“It’s okay. No worries.”

“Sobrang idol ko kasi s’ya. Kaya nagulat ako nu’ng makita ko kayo. Akala ko nakita ko na idol ko.”

Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko.

“Really?” Natawa ako. “I’m sorry kung hindi ako s’ya.”

“Okay lang! Pasensya na rin kung napagkamalan ko kayo. Almost two years na rin kasi s’yang nawala sa industry kaya…” Napatitig s’ya sa ’kin. “Grabe, kamukha mo talaga s’ya.”

I chuckled. Nakikita kong kapag nagtagal pa ako sa harap n’ya, hindi na n’ya paniniwalaan ang sinabi ko. He was so close to believing that I was really Irina.

“Thanks,” I said. “Good luck sa event.”

“Ha?” He blinked. “Thank you.”

Muli ko s’yang nginitian bilang pagpapaalam at tinalikuran na s’ya. Ayoko lang na may makakilala sa ’kin. Ayokong magkaroon ng balita tungkol sa ’kin doon sa Russia. Although I knew people, especially in the fashion industry, were wondering and asking where I was after suddenly canceling my fashion show back then. I indicated in my post before that I would take a break. Iyon lang. But I couldn’t stop the rumors and speculations from going around. Especially when my career was at its peak back then, but I decided to suddenly take a break.

Hinayaan ko na lang ang balita at mas nag-focus sa pagpapagaling. I was glad I chose to leave Russia and go to the Philippines. Mas napabilis ang pagpapagaling ko.

I just didn’t expect that someone would recognize me here though, after vanishing like that for almost two years.

Aalis na sana ako roon nang mapatigil sa designs na nadaanan ko. I stopped and stared at it.

It was a wedding dress and a tuxedo. For the bride and the groom.

I didn’t know what stopped me from walking. Sobrang simple ng design ng gown. It was a tube wedding dress with flowy satin fabric. Walang kahit anong stones or gems ang nakakakabit doon. Just the dress itself. Ganoon din sa tuxedo. It was the usual three-piece cloth and yet… I just found myself staring at them.

I smiled to myself. Maybe… it wasn’t the designs. Maybe it was the vibe, the atmosphere… and the nostalgia of being here at this event. Maybe I was missing being included in something like this.

Maybe I miss having my own fashion show again.

Maybe… I should start creating designs for my comeback soon.

“You lied.”

I looked to my right and I saw an unfamiliar man standing beside me, looking at the designs too. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ako ang sinabihan n’ya noon o hindi. I looked around but there were no people near us.

“I’m sorry?” kuha ko sa atensyon n’ya.

He turned his head to look at me and I almost stepped back. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang takot ko nang magtama ang mga mata n’ya. I just knew that there was something inside me that was screaming that I should run, as this man looked dangerous.

With all the things that happened to me in Russia, I already know to trust my instincts. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko maigalaw ang mga paa ko. I just stood there, staring back at the man who was also looking at me.

I didn’t know who he was. But there was something familiar to him that made me so confused. Kaya siguro hindi pa ako tumatakbo palayo hanggang ngayon.

He turned his body to fully face me. This time, I couldn’t stop myself from taking a step back. I sensed danger.

Killian!

I stilled with the name that popped into my mind. I just called for him. I felt danger and I called for someone that I knew would protect me. And it was Killian. As if my mind already knew who could protect me in times of danger.

Even after what happened to me, si Killian pa rin talaga ang naiisip kong magpoprotekta sa ’kin, huh?

I wonder how he has been. Wala na rin akong narinig na balita tungkol sa kanya.

Is he awake now? Is he okay?

The man tilted his head to the side, sizing me up before he cocked an eyebrow at me.

“Yes?” he asked.

Napalunok ako. Goodness… There was no denying that this man was dangerous. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nalaman ’yon. He was wearing an all-black three-piece suit. Even his necktie was black. And he was tall. My eye level was only up to his chest so I had to look up to see his face.

“Uhm…” I said, clearing my throat. “Were you talking to me earlier?”

He stared at me for a while, which made me really uncomfortable before he smirked at me. Even the way he smirked felt so familiar. Parang nakita ko na kung saan. But I just couldn’t figure out where I saw it.

He pointed at his right ear and that was when I only noticed he was wearing a single Bluetooth earpiece. I realized my mistake right then and grimaced.

“I’m sorry…” napapangiwing sabi ko.

The man chuckled. He shook his head.

“It’s alright… Are you one of the participants?” He had an accent.

This time, alam kong ako na ang kausap n’ya. Nakatingin pa rin kasi s’ya sa ’kin. His hazel eyes never left mine since he looked at me.

“No…” I said. “I was just looking around.”

Napatango-tango s’ya. Nakinig muna s’ya sa kausap n’ya sa kabilang linya bago ulit ako binalingan.

“I have to go. I hope you enjoy the event.”

Tumango ako.

“I’m sorry again.”

He gave me a smile and looked at me with interest.

“See you around, signorina. “

Italian…

Sinundan ko s’ya ng tingin at nakita ko pa ang pagsunod ng dalawang lalaki sa kanya. One of them even looked at me before following him.

I stood there, trying to shake off the weirdness I felt with the man. There was really something so… I don’t know. I couldn’t point it out.

I took a deep breath. Ah… Siguro nga dahil nandito ako sa event kaya kung ano-ano ang nararamdaman ko. I might’ve really missed fashion design more than I thought.

I smiled and made a promise to myself.

Soon… I’ll have my own fashion show again soon.

Chapter 44

Nag-inat ako nang sa wakas ay matapos na ang ginagawa ko. I glanced at the clock and realized that it was almost midnight. Hindi ko man lang namalayan ang paglipas ng oras. Ang huling natatandaan ko ay ang pagtawag sa ’kin ni Lola para maghapunan. Pero sinabi kong mamaya na dahil late naman na rin akong nakapag-lunch. I just really want to finish my design today.

Napangiwi ako. Magagalit na naman si Lola dahil hindi ako kumain sa tamang oras. This was one of her conditions pa naman na hayaan ako sa buong araw na pananahi. That I wouldn’t forget to eat and take them on time.

Alam kasi ni Lola na kapag nagsimula na akong magtrabaho, either sketching or sewing, I wouldn’t want to be disturbed. Alam n’yang nahihirapan akong ibalik ang momentum ko kapag naistorbo na ako. So, she’d let me do my thing as long as I ate my meal.

But I just couldn’t help but get so focused on my work that I often forgot about eating. I was like that even back in Russia, especially with Fashion Week. I was so busy together with my team. Pare-pareho naming nakakalimutang kumain. But Killian would always bring us food—

I stopped with my thoughts. I didn’t want to go there… Yet. I… I wasn’t ready for anything else. There were so many things I needed to sort out. Not just my hand, not just my passion, not just my career.

An important one. More important than my life.

Nagpalipas muna ako ng oras sa terrace pagkatapos kumain. I sat on Lola’s favorite rattan rocking chair. I leaned on it and rocked the chair a bit before I finally relaxed myself.

I sighed. I raised my right hand a bit and stared at it, especially at the scars. Ramdam ang sakit at ngalay dahil sa maghapon kong pagtatrabaho. I’ve been making the garment since I walked up at ginusto kong tapusin iyon ngayong araw kaya hindi talaga ako nagpahinga. And now, I could feel the aftermath of overworking my hands.

Ganoon din naman ang nararamdaman ko noon sa maghapong pagguhit at pananahi. But it was more painful now. Kakaiba ang sakit. Parang may nakadagan sa kamay ko at kapag ginagalaw ay masakit din.

I should get used to this, I guess. Even though I know I should take care of my hands, alam kong hindi ko pa rin maiiwasan ang gamitin iyon nang husto. Especially on busy days like Fashion Week or if I would hold my own fashion show.

But… I miss doing things I used to do before though. Mas lumala iyon nang makita ko ang fashion exhibit sa mall. I wanted to have something like that again. I wanted to experience it again.

“Ikaw ba’y kumain na, Irina?”

Nagulat pa ako sa biglang pagsulpot ni Lola. Hindi ko man lang narinig ang paglapit n’ya sa sobrang lalim ng iniisip ko.

“’La…” I said and stood up so she could take a seat on her favorite chair. “Katatapos ko lang ho. Nagpapababa lang ako ng kinain ko bago matulog.”

“Tapos ka na sa ginagawa mo?”

I smiled and nodded.

“Opo. Sakto lang sa pagbisita nila Mommy.”

“Gusto kong makita.” There was excitement in her eyes which made me laugh.

“Kahit bukas na, ’La. Lalabhan ko rin naman po ’yon bago ko ibalot kaya makikita n’yo rin po.”

“Sabi na nga ba’t ipanreregalo mo ’yon.”

Alanganin akong napangiti.

“Sana nga ho magkasya, eh.”

She gave me a gentle smile to reassure me.

“Magkakasya iyon, apo. Oras-oras mong tinitingnan ang mga pinapadala sa ’yong litrato ng Mommy mo, hindi ba?”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Totoo naman kasi iyon. Kapag wala akong ginagawa ay tinitingnan ko lang ang pictures na isine-send sa ’kin ni Mommy. Minsan ay para magkaroon ako ng inspirasyon, ng lakas para hindi sumuko… pero ang totoo’y ginagawa ko ’yon para punan ang pagka-miss ko.

But the pictures weren’t enough. Mas lalo lang nga lumalala ang pagka-miss ko dahil doon. Kaya ngayong bibisita sina Mommy ay sobra-sobra ang excitement ko. I couldn’t wait to see them.

“Sumasakit ang kamay mo?” Lola asked. Napatingin ako sa kanya. “Nakatitig ka sa kamay mo kanina.”

I took a deep breath. Umupo ako sa pasimano ng terrace at muling tiningnan ang kamay ko.

“Hindi na naman po masyado.”

“Sinabi ko naman kasi sa ’yong ’wag mong pupwersahin ang kamay mo. Pwede ka naman magpahinga kahit sandali sa gitna ng pagtatrabaho mo.”

Napangiti na lang ako at hindi nagsalita. I couldn’t count how many times she’d said that. Mabuti nga at hindi pa s’ya napapagod sa kakapaalala sa ’kin. I love how she’s always reminding me to take care of myself. I love her worries. Minsan ay sinasadya kong magpasaway dahil na-miss ko ang pagsabihan n’ya noong nasa Russia pa ako.

“I’m okay po, Lola…” I said and smiled at her. “Pero alam n’yo po, na-miss ko ’yung ganitong pakiramdam. ’Yung nananakit ’yung kamay ko sa sobrang pagtatrabaho gaya noon. It means po kasi na… pwede na po akong bumalik sa pagde-design. Na kaya ko na po.”

She stared intently at me.

“Gusto mo na bang bumalik?”

Hindi kaagad ako nakasagot. I was trying to weigh my feelings. Baka kasi nabibigla lang ako. Baka ngayon lang ’to, lilipas din sa mga susunod na araw. I didn’t want to make wrong decisions again.

But then, I remember what Lola said when I was still having my treatment before. In life, we couldn’t really avoid making bad decisions. No matter how good it seemed at first, you could only tell that you made a wrong choice in the end as regret would come.

However, bad decisions teach you valuable lessons in life. They provide you with an opportunity to learn something new. And regret allows you to make better choices.

You can mourn for poor decisions you made, for times that could have turned out quite differently if you had made better choices, but don’t punish yourself for too long. Take it as a life lesson and get back up, this time stronger and smarter.

“Nu’ng pumunta po pala ako sa mall nu’ng nakaraan, saktong may fashion exhibit pong ginaganap. Hindi ko po maiwasang mag-ikot-ikot do’n,” I said. “Tapos alam n’yo ba, Lola, naramdaman ko po ulit ’yung excitement ng pagiging fashion designer. Naisip ko na… para doon talaga ako. Kahit ano pa’ng dahilan ko noong simula, minahal ko ang passion ko na ’yon. Naging totoong pangarap ko. At totoo rin ’yung naging saya ko nang matupad ang lahat ng pinangarap ko.”

I won’t forget those times when I tried so hard to achieve my dreams just to feel belonged to the Morozova family, just to prove that I was my mother’s daughter, just to make my parents proud… just to have a place that I could call home. Iyon ang mas nagtulak sa ’kin kaya ako nagpursige. Nakalimutan kong mahalin ang ginagawa ko.

But when I was with Killian, where I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone, where I could enjoy my passion, where I was doing things for myself… napatunayan kong mahal ko ang pagiging designer. Mahal ko ang ginagawa ko. Mahal ko ang pangarap ko. That it was really the dream I wanted to fulfill for myself.

That was why it was my happiest moment—those times when I was with Killian.

“Naramdaman ko po na gusto kong bumalik. Gusto kong mag-design ulit. Gusto kong gumawa ng mga damit na mapapasali sa collections ko. Gusto kong magkaroon ulit ng sarili kong fashion show.” I looked at her. “Pero natatakot po ’ko, ’La… Hindi ko naman po alam kung saan. May nasimulan na naman ako. I already built up my name, babalik na lang ako. May babalikan ako. Kaya hindi ko po alam kung bakit natatakot ako ngayon. Natatakot akong sumubok ulit.”

I took a deep breath. Lumalaki kasi ang takot sa dibdib ko. I hated feeling scared. I hated being weak.

“Siguro po kasi… masyado na po akong komportable rito. Inaalagaan n’yo ’ko. Malayo sa sakit.” I let out a shaky breath. “Siguro natatakot po akong masaktan ulit. Natatakot po akong mabigo ulit. Baka hindi ko na po kasi kayanin.”

It was frightening. Natatakot naman talaga kapag gusto mong sumubok tapos mabibigo ka lang pala. Iyong pakiramdam mo binigay mo ang lahat and that you thought that everything was perfect but something still went wrong in the end. Hindi mo alam kung saan ka nagkulang kasi binigay mo naman ang lahat.

I thought I was strong before. Natupad ko ang mga pangarap ko. Nakayanan ko ang mga nangyari sa ’kin. But… just thinking of trying again just scared the shit out of me.

“Makakaya mo.”

Napatingin ako kay Lola. The warm smile on her lips almost hurt me.

“Makakaya mo, apo. Alam ko.”

“Natatakot po ako, Lola…”

“Wala namang masama kung matakot ka, apo… Pero ’wag mo sanang hayaan ang takot mong pigilan ka sa gusto mong gawin. ’Wag mo agad isipin na mabibigo ka. Paano kung magtagumpay ka pala pero hindi ka sumubok dahil natakot ka? May mga natutunan ka kaya mas matalino ka na ngayon, gamitin mo ’yon at isantabi ang takot mo.” She stood up and walked towards. “Kung mabigo ka man, alam kong makakaya mo dahil mas malakas ka na ngayon. Mas matapang ka na rin ngayon kaya alam kong magtatagumpay ka. Kita mo nga? Naiisip mo nang sumubok muli?”

Niyakap ko na si Lola dahil sa mga emosyong pumupuno sa dibdib ko. I heard her small laughs before she hugged me back and caressed my hair.

I didn’t want to get out of this comfort. If I could, I wanted to stay here forever. Gusto kong magpaalaga na lang kay Lola.

But I knew I couldn’t. There were things I needed to face. Things I needed to do. Things I wanted to experience… again. People I’ve longed to be with…

Bahagya akong humiwalay kay Lola para tingnan s’ya.

“Kapag po ba nagdesisyon na ’kong bumalik ulit sa pagiging designer ko… sasama po ba kayo sa ’kin?” Naging alanganan ang tingin ko. “Sa Russia?”

Kinakabahan ako habang nakatingin kay Lola. I wanted her to be with me. I wanted her to be by my side when I tried again. I didn’t want to leave her here. Sa palagay ko rin ay hindi ko kakayaning bumalik ng Russia nang hindi s’ya kasama.

But Lola smiled at me and caressed my hair.

“Oo naman, apo. Gusto ko ring suportahan ka.”

I sighed in relief. Malawak akong napangiti at halos maiyak sa sayang nararamdaman ko.

“Kakausapin ko po si Mommy kapag bumisita na s’ya!”

Natawa si Lola.

“Hindi na kailangan, Irina. Nabanggit ko na rin naman sa Mommy mong sasama ako kung sakaling maisipan mo nang bumalik. Pumayag s’ya.”

I blinked. I was surprised by what I heard and it took me a while before my mind finally understood her words. Agad na nag-init ang mga mata ko sa sobrang kasiyahan. Halos mapunit na ang mga labi ko sa sobrang laki ng ngiti ko.

I knew my mom would let Lola come with me. Alam ko na ’yon. But hearing and confirming it still made me so happy.

Nagkaayos na sina Mommy at Lola noong panahong nagpapagaling ako. Not that they weren’t okay but Mom was finally talking with Lola. Sa kahit anong oras. Hindi katulad noon na sa mga special occasion lang.

Lola called my mother and told her what happened to me. Pinigilan ko pa nga si Lola noon. Ang sabi ko, ayokong may ibang makaalam, lalo na sina Mommy. Ayokong sisihin nila ako o si Killian na kaya ako nagkaganoon ay dahil sinuway ko sila ni Daddy. Pero hindi ko alam na sinabi pa rin ni Lola kay Mommy ang kalagayan ko.

But contrary to what I believed; my parents didn’t blame me. Both of them, Mom and Dad, flew to the Philippines the next day. Nagulat pa nga ako sa pagdating nila. Kasama rin nila si Yulia. Mom burst into tears as soon as she saw me. I didn’t hear anything from her or Dad. They didn’t blame mee for anything. Mahigpit lang nila akong niyakap noon habang sina Yulia at Mommy ay umiiyak.

Dad and Yulia went back to Russia after a week and made sure I was okay. But Mom stayed with me. Inabot rin kasi ng taon bago tuluyang gumaling ang kamay ko when it should’ve been for a few months. Kinailangan ko rin kasing maging maingat sa mga gamot na iniinom ko.

And then she went back after a year… nang hindi nag-iisa. And then every two months, bumibisita sila at nagtatagal ng isang linggo.

I knew it was exhausting for them. Pero wala akong narinig na pagrereklamo sa kanila. Every time they visited me, all I could see from them was happiness, excitement, and relief that I was getting better. Hindi nila ako sinumbatan sa ginawa ko noon. Hindi nila ako pinagalitan.

Hindi dapat ako magpasalamat sa nangyari sa ’kin. I suffered badly. But I just couldn’t help thinking like that. Dahil doon kasi, nakasama ko ulit si Lola. Nagkaayos sila ni Mommy. Nagkaayos din kami ng parents ko.

But still, I’m glad… Pakiramdam ko, magiging maayos na ang lahat. Hindi na rin ako mahihirapang sumubok ulit. Because I knew they were with me. I got them.

Tama si Lola… Makakaya ko. And I will.

Naging abala kami ni Lola sa araw nang pagdating nila Mommy. Bukas pa ang celebration pero hinahanda na naming ang lahat ng mga kailangan namin para bukas.

Kinakabahan ako. Ganito naman palagi kapag bumibisita sila. I was always nervous… and excited. Pero lamang ang pagka-miss ko sa kanila kaya binabalewala ko ang kung anumang takot na nararamdaman dahil sa kaba ko.

Still, my insides were trembling. Nakailang buntong-hininga na rin ako para pakalmahin ang dibdib ko pero mas lalo lang yatang lumalala habang papalapit ang oras. Hindi tuloy ako makakilos ng maayos. Ilang mga gamit na ang nahuhulog ko dahil nanginginig ang mga kamay ko.

Goodness… I should calm myself down.

Kanina pa kasi tumawag sa ’kin si Mommy at sinabing nakarating na sila sa Pilipinas. Iyon na ang huling pag-uusap namin dahil naging abala na kami ni Lola. Anytime kasi, pwede nang dumating sina Mommy.

“Nasasabik na akong makita si Kazimir,” sabi ni Lola na naghahanda ng pagkain sa lamesa.

Iyon kasi ang request nila, to have something to eat once they came. Hindi sila masyadong kumakain sa byahe as they wanted Lola’s cooking. Kahit si Daddy at si Yulia ay mas gusto ang luto ni Lola at sa tingin ko pa nga ay isa iyon sa dahilan kung bakit excited sila kapag dumadating galing Russia.

Natigilan ako sa sinabi ni Lola. I dropped the vacuum cleaner which made a loud thud on the marbled floor. Mabilis ko rin namang pinulot iyon at nagkunwaring normal lang ang mga kilos ko.

But heck… I was freaking nervous inside. Sa tingin ko nga ay nakakahalata na si Lola dahil kanina pa ako nakakahulog ng mga gamit. Iniiwasan ko tuloy humawak ng mga babasagin kaya hinayaan ko na si Lola sa paghahanda sa lamesa.

“Ikaw ba, Irina?” tanong pa ni Lola kaya ngumiti na lang ako sa kanya. I just hoped it didn’t look forced though.

“Excited na rin po ako…”

When time clocked by and I still couldn’t calm down, I decided to take a seat. Baka instead na makatulong ako sa pag-aayos ay maging disaster pa dahil hindi ko na talaga mapigilan ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I took out my phone and decided to entertain myself. Walang kahit anong text or calls si Mommy pero sanay naman akong ganito s’ya kapag dumadalaw. Magugulat na lang ako na nasal abas na sila. Kaya nga mas doble ang kaba ko as their arrival would be a surprise to me.

My website was still up but on the front page was my announcement that I would take a break kaya kitang-kita agad iyon ng mga bumibisita roon. Still, I got tons of messages. Ang iba ay gusto nila akong kunin designer sa gagamitin nilang gowns or tuxedos para sa event. Others are invitations.

That was why I knew that if I ever went back to the fashion industry again, hindi ako masyadong mahihirapan. Dahil alam kong may mga naghihintay pa rin sa ’kin.

“We’re here!”

“Fuck!”

Napatingin sa akin si Lola sa biglang pagmumura ko. Mukhang nagulat pa. Nasa mga mata rin na gusto akong pagalitan pero dahil dumating na sina Mommy ay pinalagpas na lang.

I was just startled! Si Yulia naman kasi, biglaan ang pagsigaw! Hindi pa nakatulong ang biglang paglukob ng sobrang kaba sa dibdib ko nang marinig ko ang boses n’ya!

Goodness gracious! Hihimatayin yata ako!

Tumayo ako para salubungin na sila. Yulia was the first to enter the house. She smiled widely as soon as she saw me. Binitiwan n’ya ang luggage at basta na lang akong sinugod ng yakap. Muntik pa nga kaming matumba dahil sa pwersa ng pagyakap n’ya.

“I missed you… so much!” she exclaimed and tightened her hug to me. It was so tight that I let out a groan pero hindi ako nagreklamo.

Natatawang niyakap ko s’ya pabalik.

“I missed you too, Yulia…” I said and she finally let me go. “How’s the flight?”

She let out a groan and rolled her eyes.

“Tiring and boring and frustrating and painful and long and—”

“Alright, alright,” putol ko na habang natatawa. Baka ilang adjectives pa ang masabi n’ya. “Where’s Mom and Dad?”

“Outside. Getting our things out of the cab.” She smiled at me. Her eyes were twinkling. “Kazi’s with them.”

Natigilana ko. Bumalik agad ang kaba sa dibdib ko na sandali lang nawala nang makita ko si Yulia. But this time, I felt more excitement.

“Yulia, apo!”

“Hello, Lola!” Lumapit si Yulia sa kanya at niyakap s’ya. Kasing-higpit ng yakap sa ’kin. “I missed you!”

Ang laki ng ngiti ni Lola.

“I missed you too, apo…” she said. “Nasaan— Where’s Catherine and your dad?”

“Oh, they’re…” Napatingin si Yulia sa pintuan. “Here.”

Sabay kaming napalingon ni Lola sa pintuan. I sucked in a breath. Nandoon nga sina Daddy at Mommy. Naunang lumapit sa ’kin si Daddy pero ang tingin ko ay nanatili kay Mommy, lalo na sa kasama n’ya.

“ Doschka …“ Dad greeted me. He hugged me which I returned. “How’ve you been?”

Napatingin na ako sa kanya. I smiled widely with how he called me.

I missed that.

“I’m good, Dad. Better actually.”

Napatango-tango s’ya.

“That’s good to hear.”

“Irina…”

Napatingin ako kay Mommy na nakalapit na rin sa ’kin.

“Hi, Mom…” I choke on my words.

I had to clear my throat to remove the lump I felt there. Nag-init ang mga mata ko nang lumipat ang tingin ko sa batang karga n’ya. Especially when I found him staring at me.

As soon as he saw me looking at him, he had his cute little arms up, stretching them towards me. Nagpapakuha. Nagpapakarga. Hindi ko na talaga napigilan ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko.

I chuckled and went near him. He wriggled in excitement while waiting for me to hold him. Kinarga ko s’ya. His eyes, which were grayish green, almost hazel, were looking at me. Ang maliliit n’yang mga kamay ay hinawakan ang pisngi kong ikinatawa ko. I couldn’t help it and gave him a noisy peck on his cheeks.

“Hello, baby Kaz…”

Chapter 45

The celebration lasted around four in the afternoon the next day. Wala kaming naging bisita. We were keeping about it to others anyway kaya kami-kami lang din ang nagsaya para sa araw na ’yon. But it took a long time as we exchanged stories, catching up for those months that we weren’t together, especially for those times when I wasn’t able to see Kazimir in person.

Halatang napagod si Kaz dahil nang magsawa s’ya sa paglalaro maghapunan ng mga natanggap n’yang mga laruan bilang regalo, he went over to me. Nang kinarga ko s’ya ay nakatulog kaagad s’ya sa mga bisig ko. Hinayaan ko na lang kahit na alam kong magtutuloy-tuloy na ang tulog n’ya at hindi ko pa nalilinisan ang katawan dahil alam ko kung gaano s’ya napagod ngayon.

He was the star of the day anyway. As today was his first birthday.

Marahan kong inihiga sa kamay si Kaz, hoping he wouldn’t wake up. But I guess he was really tired as he was sleeping so soundly. Bahagya lang gumalaw para maghanap ng komportableng pwesto. And then he was fast asleep again.

Napangiti na lang ako habang pinagmamasdan s’ya. He looked so cute. Ang sarap panggigilan ng mga pisngi. His cheeks were a bit chubby. Dahil maputi ay kitang mamula-mula iyon. Mas lalo tuloy masarap kurutin. Pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko at inalalang pagod ang kawawang baby.

He was wearing the clothes that I made specifically for him. Ang regalo ko ang unang-una n’yang binuksan kanina. He was holding Dad’s gift at first as he was the first one to give him a gift. Malaki ang regaling nasa loob ng box na nakabalot ng gift wrap. Kaya siguro hindi n’ya hinawakan ang ibang mga regalo.

But when I gave him my gift, which was obviously smaller than Dad’s gift, he immediately put down what he was holding and took it from me. He looked really excited with his eyes twinkling and with a smile on his lips so wide while he unwrapped my gift. Nang makitang damit iyon, he made a cute little squeak and attempted to put on the clothes himself over to what he was already wearing. Natatawang kinuha ko ang damit sa kanya at binihisan s’ya.

I chuckled. Hanggang sa makatulog na nga ay suot n’ya pa rin ang regalo ko. He seemed to love it. And I was so glad that he did. Nag-alala pa ’kong hindi n’ya magugustuhan iyon that I even considered gifting him toys instead. But then… I thought that on his first birthday, I wanted to give him something I put love and effort into. I wanted to make him something with a deep attachment to me. I wanted it to be meaningful.

I gave him what I was good at, designing and making clothes. I gave a part of my life as he was to me.

Kumuha ako ng damit pantulog n’ya para mas maging komportable s’ya. Mom came into the room as I took off Kaz’s clothes. Tahimik s’yang umupo sa gilid ng kama at pinanood ako sa pagpapalit ng damit n’ya. Pareho kaming tahimik to make sure that Kaz wouldn’t wake up as I was changing his clothes. Pero mukhang tulog na tulog talaga ang baby dahil mahimbing pa rin kahit marahan ko s’yang ginagalaw.

I heaved a relieved sigh when I managed to change his clothes without waking him up. Hinaplos ko ang buhok n’ya pagkatapos.

“You’re a natural,” Mom said. Her voice was soft. Nang tingnan ko s’ya ay may maliit ding ngiti sa mga labi n’ya.

Napangiti rin ako.

“Mahimbing lang po talaga siguro s’yang matulog,” I said. “Sobra rin po kasi s’yang napagod ngayon.”

“Oh, no, no.” Natatawa pa si Mommy. “Kaz’s a light sleeper. Kaunting galaw at ingay lang, nagigising na agad ang batang ’yan.”

I looked at him. There was no sign that he was a light sleeper. Ang himbing-himbing ng tulog n’ya.

“I guess he’s really comfortable,” Mom said.

Napatingin ulit ako kay Mommy. She was looking at me with so much gentleness in her eyes.

“Because, you know… He’s with his mom.”

Mom was still looking at me, but this time, I could see pride in her eyes. Napakurap ako nang maramdaman ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko. I hid it by looking over Kazimir.

My son…

The doctor informed me that I was two weeks pregnant right before my operation. They informed me of what might happen even if they gave me pre-operation medications that were safe for pregnant women. Noong panahong ’yon, halos walang tumino sa mga sinabi ng doctor sa ’kin. I was a mess. And I couldn’t really decide anything back then.

But there was Serj. He really acted as my guardian. And as soon as he heard that there was a high chance I would get a miscarriage, I saw how his face darkened. He looked downright scary as if he was ready to unleash hell right then and there. He even threatened that he would sue the hospital after killing the doctor if anything bad to me happens.

And I guess Serj had power even in that hospital. Because the operation was successful, too successful as what inside of me even survived.

Serj was well aware of my pregnancy. That’s why he suggested deciding while Killian was unconscious. That’s why he advised me to leave. He knew I needed time not only for myself but also for my baby. He knew it wouldn’t be good for me to stay. If I stayed, I’d be under a lot of stress, which may have harmed the baby and prevented me from fully recovering. He knew his brother so well that if Killian regained consciousness, he wouldn’t let me go, especially if he found out we were expecting a child.

I couldn’t completely understand that at first. I just took his advice as I really wanted to get away from all that happened. Pero noong lumalaki na ang tyan ko at hindi naging maganda ang pagbubuntis ko, I finally understood Serj. Especially when I came to hate my pregnancy.

My emotions were all over the place at that time. Kinaayawan ko ang pagbubuntis ko lalo pa nang maging dahilan iyon kung bakit tumagal ang pagpapagaling ko. I had to be careful. I needed to avoid getting stressed. Naging sobrang maselan ng kalagayan ko. Naging limitado ang ipinapagawa sa ’kin para gumaling ang kamay ko. And I started to look for a reason why I had to be pregnant at that very damn time. Hindi lang sarili ko ang kailangan kong alagaan kundi pati ang baby na nasa tyan ko.

But Mom and Lola were there for me. Hindi nila ako pinabayaan.

And when I gave birth to Kazimir and the first time that I looked at him, I found the reason and the answer to my question.

He came to give me hope. He came into this world to make sure that I wouldn’t give up. He gave me the strength and the will to try hard and to get back up again.

I instantly loved him as soon as I saw him. Nainis pa ako sa sarili ko kung bakit ako nagalit habang pinagbubuntis ko s’ya. I regretted it. I should’ve been more careful of myself at that time. Kaya naisip kong bumawi na lang sa pag-aalaga sa kanya.

But I couldn’t. No matter how much I wanted to hold him for long, I couldn’t. Hindi pa lubos na magaling ang kamay ko. And holding him would strain my hand. So, it was Mom and Lola who practically took care of Kazimir.

When Kaz reached two months old, Mom decided that she would take my son with him back to Russia. She wanted me to focus on my recovery na masyado nang nagtagal dahil pagbubuntis ko noon at sa panganganak ko. The therapist also advised me to continue my recovery as I would have a hard time in the future kung hindi ko pa ipagpapatuloy.

Even though I didn’t want to be away with my son, I really didn’t have any other choice. Kailangan kong magpagaling. Sa palagay ko ay hindi ko rin matututukan ang pag-aalaga kay Kaz as I started to develop a post-partum depression. Mas lalo akong nahirapan. I knew I needed to sort myself, to be better, kaya pumayag ako sa gusto ni Mommy. Dad and her would take good care of Kaz better than me who was all over the place at that time.

But I knew the main reason why Mom liked to take Kaz to Russia. It was to avoid any news about me having a child. She didn’t want any media around me, especially with my condition. She didn’t want the public to know what happened to me. She wanted to protect me and Kaz in her own way.

And more importantly, she didn’t want Killian to know about Kaz.

Wala akong sinabi kung ano’ng nangyari sa ’kin. Kung bakit ako nagkaganoon. But I knew my parents already had an idea especially since Dad heard that Killian was in the mafia. And when I didn’t mention Killian anymore, it was like a confirmation to them… that I got tangled with the mafia.

And Killian is Kaz’s father.

I actually doubt that we could hide Kaz from Killian. Knowing him, he had a lot of ways of finding out everything about me. Lalo pa at alam din ni Serj ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko. I wouldn’t really be surprised if one day, I saw Killian right in front of our doorstep. But until now, walang Killian ang nagpapakita sa ’kin. Sa amin ni Kaz.

Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng nangyari. I haven’t heard anything about him since I went to the Philippines. Iniisip ko pa ng ana baka hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin s’ya nagigising.

I hope that wasn’t the case. I want him to be okay. I want him to get better.

Of course, when people saw Kaz with my parents, nagkaroon sila ng mga tanong. But my parents didn’t ask any questions. With Mom already, retired from modeling and Dad as a businessman, they wanted a private life. So, people just made speculations that Kaz was their son. Hindi nila itinama iyon. They didn’t deny it as well. They just… kept their silence.

When Kaz was six months old, Mom took Kaz with them when they visited me. Kinabahan pa nga ako noon. Natakot akong maging ilag sa ’kin ang anak ko. But Kaz was clingy to me. Na para bang alam n’ya na ako ang ina n’ya. He didn’t leave my side and always liked for me to carry him.

But… I started notice something different with my son. Kapag unang tingin ay hindi iyon halata, pero nang isang buong araw ang lumipas ay hindi nagbago ang obserbasyon ko, I instantly knew that there was something wrong with me.

Kaz couldn’t talk. My son was having a hard time making a sound.

I didn’t know what happened. He could hear. Lumilingon s’ya kapag tinatawag ko s’ya. He was reacting to our voices. But he just couldn’t talk. He was struggling to talk. Naririnig ko lang ang boses n’ya kapag umiiyak o tumatawa s’ya.

Mom already took him to a pediatrician. The doctor said that Kaz’s speech development was slow. That it was delayed. But I started to think that it was because of the medication I took when I was pregnant with him. No matter how the doctor told me it wouldn’t affect the baby, still, naisip ko na baka iyon nga ang dahilan.

Or maybe… it was when I had my operation for my hand. Baka roon pa lang, nagkaroon na ng komplikasyon kaya naging mabagal ang speech development ng anak ko.

“Hindi pa rin po n’ya sinusubukang magsalita?” I asked my mom after a while.

Mom took a deep breath. Doon pa lang, alam ko na ang sagot.

“He’s quiet,” she said. “I’d like to think that your son is really just a quiet child but… he should’ve tried to at least say a word by now. Even if it’s just gibberish.”

I know parents like to hear their child’s first word; I would like that as well. Pero mas gusto kong marinig na ayos na ang speech development n’ya at hindi s’ya magkakaroon ng problema sa paglaki n’ya.

“But don’t worry, Irina… If you want, we can take him to a speech therapist as early by now. Para maaga rin magawan ng paraan ang speech delays n’ya.”

Pinigilan ko ang mapaluha.

“Ang bata-bata pa ng anak ko pero kailangan n’ya nang pagdaanan ’to.”

Mom took my hand. Nakita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata n’ya.

“I know being a mother is hard. Gagawin mo ang lahat para maprotektahan s’ya. Kung pwede nga lang na itago mo s’ya sa mundo para hindi s’ya masaktan. You’re even willing to get hurt for them, to take the pain away from them.”

I felt that. I know that feeling. Dahil ganoong-ganoon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon para kay Kaz. Kung minsan ay sinisisi ko pa ang sarili ko. Na sana ay hindi na lang ako nagpaopera noon kung ganitong nagkaroon iyon ng epekto kay Kaz. Hinayaan ko na lang sana ang kamay ko.

I was willing to do everything for him. Everything. Even agreeing with my mom to hide Kaz from his father. Natatakot akong masaktan ang anak ko dahil sa buhay na mayroon si Killian.

“Is that why you left me here with Lola when I was a child?”

Mukhang nagulat si Mommy sa tanong ko na ’yon. Hindi yata inaasahan. But then, she smiled at me. It was a sad smile and there was pain in her eyes.

“I still haven’t apologized about it, have I?” her voice croaked.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. There was a lump in my throat that made it hard for me to speak. Palagay ko ay maiiyak lang ako kapag sinubukan kong magsalita.

“I didn’t want you to suffer from a mistake that I made before. You see, back then… I was such an ambitious bitch.” She chuckled but it sounded hollow. “Nakahanda akong gawin ang lahat para sa career. I wanted to become a model. So, when a man approached me and promised me that he would make me a successful and well-known model, I grabbed the opportunity. I grabbed that chance even though I knew that it was a sin. Sobrang mali dahil pamilyado na ang lalaking ’yon.”

I gasped. Naitakip ko ang mga palad ko sa bibig ko. I just stared at my mother who looked devastated as she told me the story.

I waited for so long to hear this. To hear her reasons. Kasi gulong-gulo ako noon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako pwedeng magsalita ng Tagalog, kung bakit hindi pwedeng dalawin si Lola rito sa Pilipinas. Hindi ko pwedeng ipagsabi ang tungkol sa pagiging Filipino ko. It was as if Mom wanted to erase the fact that sometime in my life, I lived in the Philippines.

“Pero nagtiwala ako sa kanya,” she continued. Her voice was breaking as if telling this story was hurting her so much. “Because he was a powerful person. He had lots of connections. Alam kong magagawa n’ya ang bagay na ipinangako s’ya sa ’kin. But… his wife found out about our affair. Gusto n’ya akong sirain dahil sa ginawa ko pero hindi n’ya nagawa dahil masisira rin ang pamilya nila sa media. She wanted to maintain their reputation. So, she threatened instead. That if I ever went near her husband again, she’d have me killed.”

“Mom…”

“But at that time, I didn’t know I was already pregnant. Nagsisimula pa lang ’yung career ko no’n tapos mawawala na agad. I even thought of having an abotion.”

My tears flowed down my eyes like a waterfall. I stopped myself from making any sound kahit gusto kong humagulhol. I didn’t want to wake Kaz up. So, I cried silently even if it was painful in my chest. Tahimik lang akong umiyak.

“Pero hindi ko ginawa, Irina…” Mom was crying too. “I didn’t. I wanted to have you. I even thought of giving up my career for you. So, I did my final walk. I was three months pregnant at that time. But in that event, Andrei was there. He saw me. Your father saw me.”

“He fell in love at first sight with you?”

Bahagyang natawa si Mommy sa sinabi ko. She wiped her tears from her cheeks.

“I guess so. Kasi he offered to help me with my career. He offered me more success and… more fame.” She looked at Kaz who was still sleeping soundly. “Pero ang kapalit… iiwan kita rito sa Pilipinas.”

She looked at me. Mas dumoble ang sakit na nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya.

“And I did. I left you with your Lola and went to Russia with your dad…”

Muling bumuhos ang mga luha ko. Hindi ako makatingin kay Mommy. I haven’t thought about it again. Hindi ko na inisip na iniwan ako noon ni Mommy at ilang taon akong nanirahan dito sa Pilipinas kasama kay Lola. Iniisip ko kasi noon na… okay lang. Kinuha rin naman ako ni Mommy. Nakasama ko pa rin naman s’ya.

But then, hearing it directly from her hurt me so much. Ang sakit pala. Ang sakit isipin na pinagpalit n’ya ako sa career n’ya.

But… I couldn’t blame her. I was a mistake. I was a child of an affair.

“Siguro sasabihin mong nagrarason lang ako kapag sinabi kong ginawa ko ’yon para rin protektahan ka,” she said. “I thought it was the best for you. I didn’t want anyone to know the truth about you. I was afraid that you’d suffer from the mistake I made. Natakot akong husgahan ka rin ng mga tao. Kasi ganoon ang isip ng iba. Kahit inosenteng bata, gusto nilang pagbayarin. At mas lalo akong natakot because people thought of that man as someone who was good. He was helping the poor. He had charities that helped lots of people. They wouldn’t blame him. Sa akin mapupunta ang lahat ng sisi. At madadamay ka.” I heard her sob. “Okay lang sana kung ako lang. Pero alam kong idadamay ka rin ng mga mapanghusga.”

I looked at her again and she was crying. Ngayon ko lang nakitang ganito si Mommy. She looked so hurt. She looked weak. There wasn’t any sign that she was the famous model Catherin Della Morozova that a lot of people admired. At this moment, she was just a mother who was hurting for her child.

“Tinupad ni Andrei ang pangako n’ya sa ’kin. I became successful. I became the most famous model at my time… Pero hindi ako lubusang naging masaya. May kulang. I wanted to be with you in all of my success.” She took a deep breath. “I talked with Andrei. Sinabi kong gusto kitang makasama. And your father, who was so kind and loved me so much, agreed that you could leave with us. With a condition na palalabasin nilang anak ka naming at kalilimutan ang pagtira mo sa Pilipinas. At kung sino ang totoo mong ama.”

Now I understand… I finally understand kung bakit ipinagbawal ni Mommy ang muling pagpunta ko sa Pilipinas, maging ang palagi kong pagkausap kay Lola. Even the fact that I could speak Tagalog. She wanted to bury her affair with my real father. Kaya ganoon na lang din ang pag-iingat ni Mommy na ’wag mabahiran ng kahit ano ang pagiging Morozova ko. As Dad did nothing but help her.

Hinawakan ni Mommy ang mga kamay ko. She wiped the tears on my cheeks.

“I know you suffered with my choices but I didn’t know how I could protect you. And that was the only way I could think of.” Muli s’yang napahikbi. “And I’m so sorry, Irina, if you got hurt. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Ginusto ko lang na magkaroon ka ng tahimik na buhay. Away from the judging eyes of the people.”

I looked at my son. Kung noon sa akin sinabi ni Mommy ’to, hindi ko s’ya maiintindihan. Hindi ko maiintindihan ang mga ginawa n’ya. I was hurt anyway.

But looking at my son, I realized how scary it probably was for my mother. She didn’t know anything about how she could protect me. Kasi ganoon din ang nararamdaman ko para kay Kaz. Natatakot akong baka hindi ko s’ya maprotektahan. Natatakot akong masaktan ang anak ko.

I know it wasn’t the best way, but Mom just wanted to protect me. Iyon ang naisip n’yang paraan.

“I got hurt, Mom…” I said. “Especially on those times when I felt I didn’t belong to the family. Ramdam ko pong hindi talaga ako Morozova kasi takot kayong madumihan ko ang apelyidong ’yon. I thought that you wanted me to perfect para mas… mas mapatunayan kong Morozova ako.”

“Irina, hindi—”

“But I understand now, Mom,” putol ko sa sasabihin n’ya. “Takot pala kayong may makaalam sa tunay kong ama. Ang akala ko, sobrang strict n’yo lang. I thought that you wanted to protect the Morozova’s but it was to protect me instead.”

I smiled at my mother who was crying again. She was just a mother who wanted to protect her child. She was the best mother to me. Nakagawa man s’ya ng mali, nakagawa man s’ya ng mga bagay na nakasakit sa ’kin kahit hindi n’ya sinasadya, but… she wasn’t perfect anyway. Still, I know that she loves me.

“Thank you for protecting me, Mom…”

Mas lalong naiyak lang doon si Mommy. Mas dumami ang luhang bumuhos mula sa mga mata n’ya, but at least nabawasan ang sakit na nakikita ko roon. She even looked as if there was a weight that had finally lifted from her shoulders.

And when she hugged me, muling namasa ang mga mata ko.

“I’m so sorry, anak…” she said while crying. My smile widened before I hugged her back.

I’m okay… I’m okay now… Nasagot na ang maraming tanong ko noon. May mga naiwan, may mga hindi pa rin nasagot, but it was okay. Okay lang sa ’kin kung hindi ko marinig iyon.

Or maybe there would be time that I would look for the answer. That I would want to know who my real father was. Pero hindi pa ngayon. Not now… Sa tingin ko rin naman ay hindi n’ya alam ang tungkol sa ’kin.

And maybe… I could finally accept that I belonged with the Morozova. That I am a Morozova.

“Mom…”

Bumitiw si Mommy sa ’kin. Napangiti ako nang mas inuna n’yang punasan ang mga pisngi ko kaysa sa kanya.

“Yes?”

“Can we… Can we all go back to Russia? Isama na po natin si Lola.”

Mom smiled at me.

“Of course, but… ready ka na ba?”

Ilang sandali muna ang pinalipas ko. Tiningnan ko ulit si Kaz na himbing na himbing pa rin.

I wanted the best for him. I wanted him to have a mother who was strong and wouldn’t back down to anything. I wanted to be someone who could protect him.

I looked back at my mother and nodded.

“Yes… Gusto ko na rin pong bumalik sa pagde-design.”

With that, Mom smiled widely. But it was full of tenderness… and pride.

“Okay… We’ll do that. We’ll go back to Russia.”

Chapter 46

The last day of 2023!

The year is coming to an end, but I am certain that things will continue for us! Thank you so much for staying with me this year, for your constant unwavering support, and for believing in me! I’m eternally grateful to each and every one of you!

I have so many plans for 2024, so many stories to write. But anxieties and worries have no place in my mind because I know you’d still be there for me. I don’t know how to thank you everyone; simply for writing stories that satisfied you or kept you wanting more.

I love you! I hope 2024 will be better for us!

Happy New Year everyone!

---

I made my comeback in the fashion industry four months after we got back to Russia. I was overwhelmed with all the support I’ve got. It was only a small fashion show event; I even chose a small venue. I also invited a few people and was glad they all came to the show. But the number of media that came to my after-party really surprised me.

Hindi ko alam na ganoong karami ang naghintay sa pagbabalik ko. I was gone in the industry for more than two years, yet people still remembered me. They haven’t forgotten about me as if they’ve all just been waiting for my return.

It was a huge success. Lahat ng mga design ko sa collection na inilabas ko para sa fashion show na iyon ay nabili. I only produced limited numbers of ever designs, kaya mas lalong pinagkaguluhan ng mga fashion buyers ang mga iyon. Some even requested that I put them in mass production, but I stuck to my plan.

But because of the surge in their requests, even buyers and retailers wanted to sell my works, pinagbigyan ko ang gusto nila. After all, I wanted to thank them. I wanted to thank them for waiting for me, for still supporting me. I wanted to show my gratitude for their understanding and giving me time for myself. At kahit pa yata gaano katagal akong mawala ay nandoon pa rin sila, maghihintay sa ’kin at susuportahan pa rin ako.

Kabi-kabila ang mga invitation para sa ’kin. I became really busy. A lot of reporters wanted to have my interview. Nag-uunahan pa sila. I even got invited to the Paris Fashion week but because I just got back, I had to decline. Hindi pa ako handa para sa ganoong kalaking event. I just want to take it slow hanggang sa makapag-adjust na ulit ako sa pagbabalik sa fashion industry.

A few months after my first show again, I decided to plan for my next fashion show. This time, I chose a bigger place. I invited more people at kinuha ko rin ang mga modelong paborito ko. I know I shouldn’t get favorites pero hindi ko lang maiwasan. May mga makukulit kasing modelo, mga pasaway. Mahirap pakiusapan. Kailangan pang ilang beses sabihan bago sumunod.

I liked those models who were professionals. Na kahit mga sikat na, alam pa rin kung paano sumunod. Nakikinig pa rin. O kahit hindi na sabihin, nagkukusa nang gawin ang mga bagay.

“I gotta admit… I missed being your model, Irina…”

I looked at her. She was one of my favorite models. She was young but very professional. Lalo na sa oras ng event that whenever we were on the backstage, I didn’t have to worry about her. Dahil sa rehearsal pa lang, nakikinig na s’ya. Tinatandaan ang mga kailangan n’yang gawin.

Plus, the fact that she was really pretty. Sobrang amo ng mukha n’ya. Too gentle that she even looked like an angel.

“Yeliz…” I smiled at her. “Good work today.”

She smiled. Even her smile was so gentle. Parang hindi kayang manakit kahit langgam.

“You too!” she said. Kahit ang boses ay mahinhin. “I was so glad when I saw your email. I was really hoping that I could be your model again and you made it come true!”

Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko.

“Thank you… for accepting my invitation.”

She shook her head.

“I felt bad for declining the first one though,” she said. “Things were… a bit complicated that time in our family.”

Inimbitahan ko rin kasi s’yang maging modelo ko noong comeback fashion show ko. But for some reason, she declined. But she finally accepted this time.

“But it’s okay now. I finally found a time. I couldn’t let this pass.”

“It’s really okay, Yeliz. Don’t worry. I’m just glad you can model my work again.”

Her smile widened. Nakakahawa ang ngiti n’ya. Her eyes were even twinkling.

Napatingin ako sa likod n’ya nang mapansin ang paggalaw doon. A man was walking towards us. I’ve almost forgotten about him. About Yeliz’s bodyguard.

Kung anong ikinaamo ng mukha ni Yeliz, it was the total opposite for her bodyguard. Parang sa lalaki binawi ang lahat ng wala kay Yeliz. The man looked too intense, as if he was just waiting for the right moment to strike, as he saw everything as a danger, a danger for Yeliz. He wasn’t giving anything or anyone a chance to even lay a finger on the woman he was guarding. Kahit nga ako ay parang pinagduduhan pa.

“Yelizaveta.”

Yeliz frowned. But with a gentle face, she didn’t look like she was frowning. She just made this move with her lips and scrunched her nose a bit. Parang hindi rin yata kayang sumimangot.

“How many times should I tell you to just call me Yeliz or Liza, Devlin?”

She sounded annoyed but for anyone who was looking, she looked like she was just sulking. Kaya nang tumingin sa kanya ay lalaki ay bahagya lang napatitig. As if he was wondering if he was mad or just… sulking.

“Hi, Devlin,” I greeted.

Devlin looked at me. The air around him was very familiar to me. Matagal ko nang naramdaman. Matagal ko nang nakita sa ibang lalaki. And I’ve already experienced so much that I already made up my mind to trust my instinct.

He just lightly nodded his head at me in recognition. Binalingan n’ya rin kaagad si Yeliz pagkatapos.

“We should go,” he said. His tone was flat.

Yeliz protruded her lower lip.

“So soon?”

Devlin nodded.

“Your father’s worried. He wants you home.”

Mukhang gusto pa sanang umangal ni Yeliz. Pero maya-maya ay bumuntong-hininga na lang. She looked at me and there was a guilty look in her eyes. Parang nanghihinayang pa. I knew that she wanted to stay longer.

“I have to go, Irina… I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. Ngumiti pa ako sa kanya.

“It’s okay, Yeliz. The rehearsals are almost over anyway.”

She heaved a deep sigh. Parang ayaw pa talagang umalis. But then she smiled again and said her goodbyes to me.

Napapangiti na lang ako habang pinapanood sila ng bodyguard n’ya sa pag-alis. Yeliz was a lot younger than me. Maaga ring nagsimula sa pagmomodelo maybe that was way she already knew how to be professional. Isa s’ya sa mga modelo na hindi na kailangan pang paalalahanan sa mga gagawin dahil alam na alam na n’yakung ano’ng gagawin.

We wrapped things up when the rehearsal ended. Pagod na pagod ako. Pero kahit na alam kong mas makakapagpahinga ako sa condo ko dahil mas malapit iyon ay dumiretso ako sa bahay ng parents ko.

I wanted to see my son.

My parents and Lola took care of Kaz whenever I was busy. Lalo na ngayong sobrang busy ko para sa darating na fashion show ko ulit. Palagi pa rin s’yang na kila Mommy. Pero kapag naman nagkakaroon ako ng oras ay bumabawi ako.

The house was already quiet when I came home. Pero nandoon si Lola sa may sala, parang naghihintay talaga sa akin. Nang makita n’ya ako ay pumunta sa kusina para ipagtimpla ako ng gatas.

“Si Kaz po?” I asked as I watched her prepare the warm milk for me.

“Kanina pa nakatulog. Napagod sa maghapong paglalaro.”

Napangiti ako nang magsimula s’yang magkwento habang inuubos ko ang gatas. Pero sa kabila noon, hindi pa rin naalis ang pag-aalala sa dibdib ko.

Kaz was already two years old. But he still hadn’t said his first word.

Ah… I really wanted to hear him talk, or say something even if the words weren’t making any sense. He still wasn’t trying to converse. Para kasing naiinis din s’ya dahil hirap makapagsalita. Hirap makagawa ng tunog maliban sa pag-iyak o pagtawa. Kaya hindi na rin sinusubukang makipag-usap.

He got his father’s temper, I guess.

Killian… We were already in the same country and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before we meet again. I was actually surprised na hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin s’ya nagpapakita sa harapan ko. Inihahanda ko pa naman ang sarili ko. But I knew no matter how much I prepared myself, hindi pa rin ako makakapaghanda sa mismong pagkikita namin.

Natulog na rin si Lola nang maubos ko na ang gatas. Parang hinintay lang talaga ako at sinigurong iinom nga ako ng gatas. Ilang beses n’ya kasing pinapaalala iyon sa ’kin pero nakakalimutan ko naman sa sobrang pagka-busy ko.

I headed to Kaz’s room to check on him. I missed seeing him today. Pagkatapos talaga ng fashion show na ’to, babawi ako sa anak.

I actually felt guilty. Ilang sandali lang kaming nagkasama noong nasa Pilipinas ako pero ngayong nasa Russia na kami at inakala kong mas makakasama ko na s’ya, sobra naman akong naging busy.

I was about to enter his room when my phone rang. It was from an international number. Sa Pilipinas. For some reason, kinabahan ako pero sinagot ko pa rin naman ang tawag.

“Hello? Who is this?” I asked as soon as I answered the call. Bahagya na ring nanginig ang kamay kong nakahawak sa phone dahil sa kaba.

There was silence at first.

“Irina…” I heard a man’s voice from the other line. “It’s Serj.”

A gasp escaped from my lips. Napahakbang agada ko palayo sa kwarto ng anak ko. Mas lalo ring lumala ang kaba sa dibdib ko.

He wouldn’t call me for anything. I was sure that he was going to say something… important. Hindi ko alam kung tungkol saan. I had this urge to just end the call pero hindi ko ginawa,

Despite the nervousness I felt, I was happy to hear from him. After all, he was the one who took care of me back then.

“Serj!” I was surprised when I heard excitement in my voice. Natawa na lang ako. “Wow! I wasn’t expecting this call!”

He chuckled. Mas lalo akong napangiti. Nabawasan kahit papaano ang kaba ko.

“How are you?” he asked.

“I’m good!” Bumaba ako dahil medyo nagiging malakas ang boses ko sa excitement. Baka magising ko pa ang mga natutulog na. “Ikaw? I mean… Are you in the Philippines?”

“Yeah…” he said with a chuckle. “I have things to take care of here.”

“This call will cost you a lot though.”

“It’s okay,” sabi n’yang mukhang hindi man lang talaga pinoproblema kung magkano ang babayaran n’ya para sa international call.

Oh, right. How stupid of me. Mayaman nga pala ang kausap ko.

“Besides, I’m still learning how to use social media.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“You’re using social media?” I laughed hard. “Wow! You surprised me a lot today, Serj.”

“Shut up,” he hissed but there was a tone of laughter in his voice. Natawa tuloy ulit ako.

I just couldn’t imagine! I mean, he’s the Bratva’s boss! It was really hard to imagine a dangerous man like him scrolling through posts on social media!

“So?” tanong kong nangingiti pa rin. “To whom do I owe this call?”

There was a pause.

“When will you tell Killian about him?”

My smile faded. Nawala kaagad ang kasiyahang naramdaman ko kanina dahil sa tawag n’ya. The nervousness I felt earlier was back again. Mas dumoble iyon. Mas lalong lumala na kinailangan ko pang umupo sa sofa dahil nanginig ang buong katawan ko.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. Serj was just quiet from the other line, waiting for me to calm down. Na parang alam na alam n’ya kung paano ang naging epekto sa akin ng tanong n’ya kaya binibigyan ako ng oras para kumalma.

He knew about Kaz, alright. He knew I was pregnant when I left Russia. But he gave me time. He gave me time to heal. And I knew that the time would come before my past would hunt me.

Hindi ko alam kung sinabi n’ya kay Killian ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko. Pero dahil sa tanong n’ya ay nagkaroon ako ng ideya. He still didn’t tell Killian about it. He wanted me to tell it to his brother myself.

For a bit, I was thankful for it. Hindi n’ya ako pinangunahan sa desisyon ko. Still, hindi ko naman alam kung gusto ko bang malaman ni Killian ang tungkol sa anak namin.

I knew that the moment Kill found out about our son, there was no way he would let us go. Kung noon pa lang ay hindi na ako nakaiwas sa kanya, mas lalo na kapag nalaman n’ya ang tungkol kay Kaz.

Isa pa, hindi gugustuhin ni Serj na ilihim ko iyon sa kapatid n’ya. Hence this call.

“I don’t know, Serj…” I said after a while. “Things are still… I really don’t know.”

God… I don’t know. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin kapag si Killian na ang pinag-uusapan. Kahit naman noon ay ganoon din ako tungkol sa kanya. As if things became so hard to grasp whenever he was around.

“He woke up a month after you left Russia,” Serj said. “He looked for you.”

So he’s okay…

“What did you tell him?”

“That I let you go. He wanted to follow you but I stopped him.”

Napalunok ako. Somehow… hindi na ako nagtaka roon. I mean I knew how much Killian respected Serj. Kahit yata ano ang iutos ni Serj sa kanya ay susundin n’ya.

“He knew I was in the Philippines?”

“Of course, Irina,” sabi n’ya na para bang hindi ko na dapat pang itanong iyon.

“But…” I took a deep breath. “If that’s the case… imposible namang hindi n’ya pa alam ang tungkol kay Kaz.”

“You really think he still didn’t have any idea about your son? We both know that my brother’s not stupid, Irina.”

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa phone. I took a deep breath. Hindi na yata ako makahinga sa dami ng nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Of course, Killian was not stupid. Iniisip ko na rin namang may ideya s’ya. Kaya nga naghahanda ako nab aka isang araw, bigla na lang s’yang magpakita sa harapan ko at kunin ang anak namin.

No… He wouldn’t do that. No matter how ruthless Killian was, he wouldn’t do something like that…

Wouldn’t he really?

Shit… Hindi ko yata kaya kapag ginawa n’ya ’yon. I wouldn’t be able to stop him. He was… powerful.

“But I only told him about you when he asked for updates on you. I didn’t mention Kazimir to him,” Serj said. “Still, I don’t think my brother’s completely oblivious though.”

“Yeah… I know what you mean.”

Killian had a lot of ways. Kung gugustuhin n’ya, kaya n’yang gawin ang lahat. Kaya n’yang malaman ang lahat tungkol sa ’kin kahit na nasa magkaiba kaming lugar. Kahit na pinipigilan s’ya ni Serj.

“I would appreciate it though if you’d tell him soon about my nephew, Irina…”

“But…” Hindi ko kayang ituloy ang gusto kong sabihin.

Ayokong… Ayokong mapahamak si Kazimir. Their world was dangerous. Hindi ko kakayanin kung malagay sa panganib ang anak ko. Hindi ko kakayanin kung masaktan s’ya.

Kahit ako na lang ang masaktan. ’Wag lang ang anak ko.

I don’t want it… I just wanted to keep Kaz safe.

“I know what you’re worried about,” sabi ni Serj na para bang alam kung ano’ng iniisip ko. “But… trust me when I say that I’d do anything to protect him. Besides, I know Killian will be more careful this time after what happened.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I knew it. Kahit pa gaano ko ihanda ang sarili ko, hinding-hindi pa rin ako mapapanatag. I knew this talk would come soon. Pero hindi ko pa rin talaga alam kung ano’ng gagawin.

Shit…

“Just… please think about it,” he said before he took a deep breath. “Anyway, I called you because I have a favor to ask.”

Sa kabila ng halo-halong nararamdamdaman ko ay napangiti ko. I knew it. He wouldn’t call for that. Mas dapat iyong pag-usapan ng personal and maybe that was why Serj didn’t really push me to say anything.

“Okay… What is it?”

“You remember the woman I told before?”

Ilang saglit lang akong natahimik para alalahanin iyon. Then my eyes widened when I remembered it.

“The one who’s into fashion design as well?”

Serj chuckled.

“Yeah… Apparently, she idolizes you.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“Really?”

“Hmm.” His tone was light. And by that, I already had an idea how he felt about this woman. “I’ll send you her works and portfolio. Can you check it out?”

“Of course!”

“And… if you can,” I heard him cleared his throat. Parang nag-aalangan pa. “If you can, can you spare time to meet her? I’d really appreciate it if you do.”

Natawa na talaga ako. He looked as if he wasn’t used asking favor to anyone kaya naiilang ngayon!

“Alright… I’ll see what I can do. I’ll even help you spend more time with her if you want.”

He coughed a bit. Mas lalo akong natawa. I didn’t know that time would come na magagawa kong asarin si Serj! Takot na takot pa nga ako sa kanya noong una!

“Thank you, Irina,” he said. “It’s good to know that you’re alright.”

Napangiti ako.

“Bumabawi lang ako…”

My smile automatically faded when the call ended. This time, mas lalo kong naramdaman na anumang oras, magkikita na kami ni Killian. Now that our world was getting closer again.

I sighed… I hope… I hope that this time everything will be alright.

Chapter 47

What I like about taking care of things even if there are still a few weeks before the event is that I have a lot of time to spare. I wouldn’t get stressed so much dahil hindi ko naman kailangang maghabol sa oras. So, I also have time to spend with my son nang walang ibang inaalala.

Gusto ko talagang bumawi sa anak ko kaya naman maaga pa lang ay tinapos ko na ang mga kailangan kong asikasuhin. My assistant and my team in the shop were the ones who handled other things that they could. Sinabihan ko na lang silang tawagan ako kung kailangan at may mga dapat na itanong. I trust them anyway. Ayoko rin kasing maistorbo ang bonding time ko with my son.

Kazimir looked so happy as he spent his time with me. He clings to me all the time. Palaging nakadikit sa akin, halos ayaw nang humiwalay. He would whine in protest whenever I had to put him down for a while dahil kailangan kong magluto. He didn’t want that. Gusto n’yang nakadikit pa rin sa ’kin kahit na makikita n’ya naman ako sa kusina mula sa sala habang naglalaro s’ya. Humihila na lang ako ng upuan at doon na lang s’ya paglalaruin sa kusina while I cooked. He seemed fine with it.

Kapag ganoon ay hindi ko maiwasang maalala si Killian. Kaz was so much like his father. Ngayon pa lang ay nakikita ko nang maraming namanang habit ni Killian si Kaz. I remembered back then when I used to stay away from Killian and that I even told him to stay away but he never did anyway. He did what he wanted. He was always there whenever I was. Hanggang sa ako na lang ang sumuko dahil alam kong hindi ko rin naman s’ya matatakasan.

I couldn’t help but laugh. My family said that Kaz looked like me. But honestly, I think he looked much more like Killian. At habang papalaki si Kaz, mas lalo kong nakikita ang pagkakahawig nila ng ama n’ya. Especially under the sun and the sunlight would shine on Kaz’s face. He had grey-green eyes pero sa liwanag ay mas nagiging prominente ang pagkaberde ng mga mata n’ya.

Noong una ay nag-alala pa akong baka maging ilag sa ’kin si Kazimir. Hindi ako ang nakasama n’ya sa unang halos isang taon sa buhay n’ya. Mas madalas n’yang kasama sina Mommy. Ayoko namang mas maging malapit s’ya sa Lolo at Lola n’ya kaysa sa akin na mismong ina n’ya. I guess I was kind of possessive when it came to my son that’s why I was really glad when Kazimir recognized me as his mother at hindi nan ga gustong humiwalay sa ’kin.

Kaz was doodling something on his magnetic sketch pad. It had already a built-in desk at nakaupo sa harap noon si Kaz habang may kung anong iginuguhit doon. He looked so serious as his hand moved. Nakakunot ang noo at bahagya pang magkasalubong ang mga kilay. His cute lips were even pouting a bit.

He looked like his father the most whenever he was serious.

Katatapos ko lang s’yang pakainin ng dinner at pinapanood ko lang s’ya sa ginagawa n’ya. He was already comfortable as he knew that I was a few steps away from him. Hindi na ako muling tiningnan at naging abala sa kung ano’ng ginagawa.

“What are you drawing?” I asked. Umupo ako sa sahig sa harap n’ya.

I smiled at the way he held the magnetic pen. He had his cute little fist closed around the pen and he was controlling it with his whole hand. I looked at his drawing and saw that it was a bunch of circles and overlapping lines.

Kaz looked at me. His mouth moved as if he was about to answer my question but he thought otherwise. He knew he wouldn’t be able to speak kaya ibinalik na lang ang atensyon s’ya ginagawa.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. My heart ached so much. Hindi pa rin kasi talaga s’ya nakakapagsalita. We already took him to a speech therapist but he hadn’t had any improvement. I knew Kaz wanted to speak. Nakikita ko namang sinusubukan n’ya. But there were times that he wasn’t making any effort to try as he knew he couldn’t speak anyway.

“Kaz… what did I tell you?” marahan kong sabi sa kanya. “I told you that you should still try to speak, right? You should still try to converse. I know it’s frustrating but you shouldn’t give up, okay? Mommy really wants to hear my baby’s voice.”

He looked at me again. This time, nagtagal ang tingin n’ya sa mukha ko. Kumibot ang mga labi n’ya, mukhang iiyak. But then he stood up and walked towards me. Umiiling na inabot ng malilit n’yang mga kamay ang mukha ko at inunat ang bahagya kong nakakunot na noo. He cupped my cheeks after at nagulat ako nang suminghot-singhot na s’ya. Papaiyak na talaga.

Nnalaki ang mga mata ko. “Oh, no… Mommy’s not mad at you…”

Mabilis ko s’yang kinuha at iniupo paharap sa ’kin sa kandungan ko. His eyes even watered. Nakonsensya naman agad ako at inalala ang paraan ng pagsasalita ko kanina.

Did I sound mad? Goodness…

“Mommy’s not mad, I promise,” I tried to comfort him. “Don’t cry, please…”

He blinked. Pagkatapos ay mariing pumikit. Mariing-mariin that his face even crunched. Natawa tuloy ako bago hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo n’ya.

Oh, this cute little baby…

When Kaz looked at me again, he had a reluctant look in his eyes. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay lumapat sa dibdib ko at ang isa ay inilapat sa sariling dibdib. He stared at me with a puppy look on his face. Pigil na pigil akong panggigilan ang mga pisngi.

Oh, Lord, how I tried so hard not to pinch his cheeks! Dahil may kaputian ay mabilis pa namang mamula ang balat n’ya.

I gave him a smile instead.

“Yes, Mommy loves you so… much! That’s why I really want to hear your voice. I know it will sound so cute as you…” Pinagdikit ko ang mga noo namin. “So, can you not stop trying to speak? Please?”

He nodded. Sunod-sunod. Pagkatapos ay ibinaon ang mukha sa leeg ko at mahigpit akong niyakap.

I hugged my son back and kissed his head.

“I love you so much, my baby…” Bahagya ko s’yang hiniwalay sa ’kin at nginitian. “Let’s get you to bed, alright?”

I looked at the time when Kaz finally fell asleep. Hindi pa ako pwedeng matulog. I was waiting for Serj as he said that he would get the tickets for my fashion show from me. Nakabalik na raw kasi s’ya ng Russia kasama ang babaeng palagi n’yang binabanggit sa ’kin.

I invited her to my fashion show and I knew that it would be easy for Serj to bring her to Moscow as they were in the Philippines. I was also curious about the girl anyway. I saw her works that Serj sent to me and I understood why Serj talked so highly of her. Ang akala ko kasi ay bias lang s’ya. I mean it was obvious how he felt for her.

Pero nang makita ko mismo ang mga gawa n’ya, they were really great. And I was actually overwhelmed that a talented designer like her got inspired by me. I got so excited to meet her.

The doorbell rang. Napatingin ako kay Kaz kung magigising ba dahil sa tunog but my son was sleeping so soundly. Hinayaan ko na lang muna iyon at marahang tinapik ng ilang beses si Kaz bago ako kumilos paupo sa kama. Ilang saglit ay narinig ko ang mahihinang katok sa pinto ng kwarto bago iyon binuksan.

It was the maid, Darya, and I saw her fighting for a smile not to show on her face. Para pa ngang kinikilig.

“A man is looking for you, madame ,” she said. Even her face was a bit red.

Napangiti na lang ako. Mukhang may idea na ako kung sino ang naghahanap sa ’kin.

“Is it Serj?” tanong ko at tumayo na para kunin ang ticket na nasa ibabaw lang ng vanity mirror. Inilabas ko na para mabilis kong makuha sakali ngang dumating na si Serj.

There was a confused look on Darya’s face before she shook her head.

“He said his name’s Killian, madame .”

I froze. Literally. Tumigil din yata pati pagtibok ng puso ko. Napatigil ako sa paghakbang at nanatiling nakatayo lang doon ng ilang segundo. Ni hindi ko magawang gumalaw. I think I even forgot how to breathe too.

It was only his name… His name and the thought that he was just right outside my place was enough to make me react like this. Nang sa wakas ay nagawa nang gumana ng utak ko ay maingay akong napasinghap. Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko kasabay ng matinding panginginig. Dahan-dahan pa akong napalingon kay Kazimir na mahimbing pa ring natutulog sa kama.

“Madame? Ty v poryadke?”

I heard the maid asking me if I was okay. I definitely heard it pero lumabas lang iyon sa kabilang tenga ko. Hindi pa rin ako makagalaw. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng gagawin. I felt trapped and I have nowhere to go dahil nasa labas lang si Killian.

I knew that the time when we would meet again would definitely come. Alam na alam kong hindi ko s’ya magagawang iwasan. Pero inaasahan kong sa fashion show pa ’yon mangyayari dahil imposibleng wala s’ya gano’ng nandoon si Serj. Kahit hindi ko s’ya imbitihan ay magagawa n’yang makapasok pa rin sa event. So, I even saved time that was why tatlong ticket ang ibibigay ko kay Serj.

But, shit… Not now! Hindi ngayon! Hindi ako handa! Not when Kaz was with me! Wala pa sa plano kong ipakilala si Kaz sa kanya! Kahit ang makita s’ya ngayon ay hindi pa ako handa!

Holy shit! I wanted to curse at Serj for surprising me like this! Ni hindi n’ya nabanggit na si Killian ang papupuntahin n’ya! I thought he said that he would give me time na sabihin kay Killian ang tungkol kay Kaz!

Holy fucking shit, Serj! I wasn’t ready!

“D-darya…” kahit ang boses ko ay nanginginig. “Could you… Could you give this to him and tell him I’m n-not… I’m not here?”

Ilang beses akong tumikhim. Hindi yata ako makahinga. I already remembered how to breathe pero parang kinakapos pa rin ako ng hangin. Hirap na hirap na rin akong lumunok sa sobrang kaba! Parang lalabas na yata ang puso ko sa dibdib ko! My heart was beating so fast that I could almost hear my blood pumping.

Nanginginig kong iniabot kay Darya ang envelope kung saan nasa loob ang tatlong ticket. I knew she noticed how my hands were trembling so bad. Nakita ko ang pagtatanong at pag-aalala sa mga mata n’ya. Mukhang gustong magtanong kung bakit ako umaakto ng ganito. But she knew not to cross the line and just took the envelope from me before walking out of the room.

Nanghihina akong napaupo sa kama. Naubos yata ang lakas ko kahit wala naman akong ginawa. I stared at the door. Inaasahan kong anumang oras ay bubukas iyon at magpapakita si Killian. Makikita n’ya kaagad si Kaz na mahimbing na natutulog at wala na akong magagawa para itago pa si Kaz sa kanya.

I was breathing heavily. Dinig na dinig ko ang mabibigat na paghinga ko. Naiiyak na rin ako sa sobrang kaba habang nakatitig pa rin sa pinto. As if a monster would open it anytime and there was nowhere for me to run and hide. He would corner me and there was no way for me to escape anymore.

Halos mapasigaw pa ako nang bumukas ang pinto. I even clasped my hand over my mouth to stop my screams. But when I saw that it was Darya who opened the door, I almost sagged in relief. Muntik pa nga ako mapahinga sa kama dahil nawala yata ang buong lakas ko.

“He’s gone, madame ,” I heard Darya say.

“What?” Wala sa sarili pa akong napatingin sa kanya.

“He left.”

Ah… Killian left. Goodness…

Napatango-tango ako.

“Did he say anything?” I asked.

Darya shook his head.

“No, madame . He took the envelope and left when I told him that you’re not here.”

Ilang sandali pa akong napatitig lang kay Darya bago tumango. I smiled at her that we both know was just forced.

“Thank you, Darya.”

Tuluyan na akong napahiga sa kama, sa tabi ni Kaz, nang umalis na ang maid sa kwarto. There was no way that Killian believed that. He knew I was here and he definitely knew that I was avoiding him. Again. Mabuti na lang at hindi na nagpumilit dahil walang kalaban-laban sa kanya si Darya kung sakali.

But I knew why he didn’t force his way in. Because we would certainly meet at the fashion show. He knew it. At alam din n’yang hindi ko na magagawa pang umiwas sa kanya roon.

I sighed and turned my head to look at my sleeping son. Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko bang makilala n’ya ang ama n’ya. I was so afraid that the past would happen again. Hindi ko makakaya kung masaktan si Kaz. Hindi ko kakayanin. Ikamamatay ko siguro iyon.

But then, I honestly didn’t have any plans to hide him from his father forever. I couldn’t anyway know what Killian was capable of. Tama rin ang sinabi ni Serj noon. That Killian was not stupid and he probably knew, or if not, already had an idea about Kazimir.

Isa pa, ayoko rin namang ilayo s’ya sa ama n’ya. I knew the feeling when you get separated from the one you love that no matter how much you wanted to be with them, you couldn’t do anything. Gaya na lang noong panahong inilayo ako ni Mommy kay Lola.

In Kazimir’s case, he wouldn’t meet his father pero alam kong darating ang araw na magtatanong s’ya tungkol sa ama n’ya. I don’t have any plan of lying to him. Hindi ko gustong sumama ang loob n’ya o magtampo sa ’kin dahil inilayo ko s’ya sa ama n’ya. Just like how I felt with my mom back then.

Iniangat ko ang kamay ko at marahang hinaplos ang pisngi ni Kaz gamit ang likod ng daliri ko. He stirred but got comfortable with my caress and slept soundly again.

“I just want the best for you, Kaz…” I whispered.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

It’s okay… It’ okay… Siguro naman ay makakaya kong harapin si Killian sa fashion show. I would be able to. I’ve gone through so much and I know I am stronger now. Nauunahan lang ako ng kaba at pag-aalala ngayon but I knew I would be able to face him. I wasn’t the naïve and dumb Irina before. I won’t let fear get ahead of me again. Pag-iisipan ko na rin ng mabuti ang mga bagay ngayon at hindi na hahayaan ang emosyon ang magdesisyon para sa sarili ko.

Afterall… I must put Kazimir first more than anything.

So, when the day of the fashion show came, I got myself ready. I tried to compose myself while giving instructions to everyone as the show held on. Iniwan ko muna si Kaz kina Lola at hindi muna pina-attend ng fashion show ang kahit sino sa pamilya ko. I knew that Killian and I would definitely meet again that day.

I was so sure that he was here. Hindi ko pa man s’ya nakikita pero ramdam na ramdam ko ang presensya n’ya. I knew that we were both in the same room. He had still that effect on me. Hindi nagbago. Mas lalo pa nga yatang lumala pa. Iyong mabigat na pakiramdam at tension sa katawan ko kapag nakatingin s’ya sa ’kin.

At the after-show, I still tried to greet some guests. I was smiling and still held my composure. Walang nakakaalam kung gaano kagulo ang nasa loob ng dibdib ko.

It’s okay… It’s okay…

When I finally spotted Serj, I walked my way towards him. I was wearing a white bodycon dress. The ribbon where my dress was tied and connected was hiding the scar on my shoulder that was a reminder of what happened before.

“Serj!”

Heels clicking on the tiled floor as I walked, I plastered a smile on my lips. I knew people were looking at me, following me with their gaze. Pero may isang presensya ang ramdam ko sa lahat ng ’yon. I knew he was looking at me. I could feel his heavy stares. Kanina pa. He was watching my every move as soon as he entered the room. Hindi na humiwalay ang tingin na iyon sa akin.

“I’m so glad you made it!” masayang sabi ko nang makalapit kay Serj at hinalikan s’ya sa pisngi bilang pagbati. I felt as if I finally met my elder brother again.

There was a girl with him and we made introductions. I finally met her. Natalia Nicole Gonzales. She was gorgeous with an innocent look on her face. Iyong mukhang masarap titigan and she looked more beautiful the longer you stared at her. She looked so regal in her black dress that suited Serj’s.

Magaang kausap si Natalia. I really liked talking to her even though that was the first time we’ve met. I could see that she was just restraining herself, parang kinikilig kasing nakita ako ngayon, and I remembered that Serj’s said she idolizes me. Kaya ganoon na lang ang reaksyon n’ya.

While Serj looked so… in love wasn’t even the right term as I could see the overflowing emotions in his eyes while looking at Natalia. Kaya naman ngiting-ngiti ako habang kausap sila.

“Good evening, boss, madame … and to you, Irina.”

I straightened my back and my smile faded when I finally heard that voice. It was him. Hinding-hindi ko ipagkakamali ang boses na ’yon kahit kanina. That raspy and deep male voice always sent chills down my spine. And even without looking at him, I could hear the smirk in his voice.

Slowly and without losing my composure, I looked at him who was just standing beside Serj. Mabilis ko s’yang pinasadahan ng tingin. He was in his usual all-black outfit, a button-down polo shirt over a coat and pants. He wasn’t wearing any necktie and the first two buttons of his inner polo were opened so I could see his tattoos. Napansin ko kaagad na nadagdagan pa ang mga tattoo n’ya. His whole neck was now covered with tattoos. Pero hindi ko gustong magtagal ang tingin sa kanya kaya hindi ko na nagawang pag-aralan kung ano ang bago n’yang tattoo.

Still, I couldn’t help but look at his face. Agad na nagtama ang mga paningin namin at hindi ko napaghandaan ang emosyong sumalubong sa ’kin.

Ah… This was what I wasn’t prepared for. My emotions when I get to see him again. Halo-halo ang mga iyon at mabilis akong inatake na para bang ayaw akong bigyan ng pagkakataon para makapaghanda.

Those three years I haven’t seen him do really well. He looked more handsome now. And… more ruthless. Mas lalong naging mukhang mapanganib. I was right when I saw that there was a menacing smirk on his lips as he looked at me. Parang natutuwa sa muli naming pagkikita but he was already thinking of something… that was not good as he looked at me.

And as I looked at him, my heart finally remembered how much I felt for him, how heavy my feelings I had for him, and… how much I loved him. Bumalik sa ’kin ang lahat ng nakakalitong pakiramdam kapag kasama ko s’ya. The happiness I felt when I was with him, those happy days, those fear, anger, and those moments when I tried to avoid him.

I also remembered what happened that day. The anger and disappointment I felt. How hurt I was when I thought that he didn’t care about me. Iyong tingin n’ya na para bang wala lang ako sa kanya. And I just realized na sa lahat ng mga tinamo ko, doon pala ako pinaka nasaktan.

But when I was about to lose consciousness then, I heard him tell Serj about my hand. As if that was all that mattered. As if I was all that mattered that day. At ngayon ko lang napagtanto kung ano ang kakaibang tonong napansin ko mula sa kanya habang sinasabi n’ya ’yon.

He was hurt and was just enduring it. God… he was hurt and I didn’t know.

Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya dahil hindi ko gustong makita n’ya ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. He could do it. Noon pa lang ay nalalaman n’ya agad ang nararamdaman ko.

“Kill.” I acknowledged him.

“It’s been a while,” sabi n’yang alam kong hindi pa rin naaalis ang ngisi sa mga labi.

“Yeah,” was all I could say. Mahina akong tumikhim na ako lang ang makakarinig para alisin ang bara sa lalamunan ko.

“I went to your house last time to get the boss’ tickets but it was your maid who gave them to me. I was hoping to meet you that night though.”

I couldn’t say anything. Hindi ko kayang magsalita. The emotions that attacked me were so overwhelming that I didn’t know how to manage them. I just tried to pretend that there was nothing wrong and looked at Serj instead.

“Serj, can I borrow Natalia for a while? I’ll just introduce her to some people. They should know that I have a talented designer with me.”

And just like before, I avoided Killian. I tried to stay away from him again. But I knew it was short-lived.

I just need time to get a hold of myself before I can face him again. Hindi ko lang talaga nakayanan ang mga emosyong naramdaman ko sa muli naming pagkikita.

For a while. This was just for a while.

Chapter 48

I introduced Natalia to my friends and acquaintances in the industry. She looked happy but overwhelmed as people talked to her. And whenever I told them that she designed the dress that she was wearing, I could see interest and admiration in their eyes. It seemed like I wasn’t the only one who could see that Natalia had skills. I was even certain that people in the industry would recognize her talent in the future.

I enjoyed my time with her. Magaan s’yang kausap. And she was so cute dahil mukha s’yang natataranta kapag may nanghihingi ng business card n’ya at nagkulang pa nga ang dala n’ya. Na para bang hindi n’ya inaasahan na magkakainteres sa kanya ang mga tao roon when it was obvious that they were really impressed with the fact that she designed her own dress tonight.

“You should create your website! It helps with marketing your designs!” I said.

Apparently, she still didn’t have her own website. She was only posting on social media. I mean, okay, I guess social media could help with marketing too but it was still so much better kung meron s’yang sarili n’yang website. Mas organize pa roon as she would have full control sa layout ng website n’ya. She really needed to make one soon especially since I could see that some of my friends and fashion bloggers were interested in knowing more about her work.

“I’ll do that once I get back,” she said.

“Also expect a lot of calls from now on. I can see they like your dress too. They might contact you.”

“Thank you, Irina,” she said so sincerely. I could even see gratitude in her eyes.

I smiled at her.

“No worries. You’re really talented, Natalia.”

She blushed which amused me. Bahagya pa akong natwa sa naging reaction n’ya. She was so cute and gorgeous! No wonder Serj seemed so head-over-heels for her.

We stayed at one cocktail table while drinking our wine. Nakikita ko rin kasing pagod na s’ya sa dami ng taong ipinakilala ko sa kanya. I didn’t want to crowd her so I decided that we would rest for a while and I gave her some advice that she could use in the fashion industry. Her innocent eyes were staring at me as she listened intently to what I was saying.

“By the way,” I said after a while. “You appear gentle as if you despise violence. I’m surprised you chose Serj.”

I mean… she really looked innocent and genuine. Para ngang walang itinitago. She looked so… honest. Parang hindi kayang manakit. Which was the total opposite of Serj.

I saw her frown.

“Huh?” I don’t get it.“

“I mean, you know… Because of his job. Because of what he is…”

I didn’t say the exact word in case someone overheard it. Pero alam kong maiintindihan n’ya naman kung ano’ng tinutukoy ko.

But when she just remained staring at me when seconds already, I realized she didn’t have any idea what I was talking about. Tinitigan ko pa s’ya nang ilang sandali dahil baka hindi n’ya lang talaga nakuha ang sinabi ko. But she really looked so confused right now as if she didn’t have any ounce of idea.

“You still didn’t know? Serj hasn’t told you yet?” gulat kong tanong.

What the hell? Wala man lang talagang binabanggit na kahit ano sa kanya si Serj tungkol mafia? And he was the Bratva’s boss!

“Serj told you?” Natalia asked. I saw pain in her eyes. She was hurt with the thought that Serj told me something important about him pero hindi sinabi sa kanya.

Mabilis akong umiling.

“No, no. I just realized because of Killian. Since Serj is his boss,” I explained. Hindi ko na sinabing may ideya na ako as I heard rumors about them being in the mafia and Killian just confirmed it.

Natalia looked even more confused right now and I immediately regretted that I even mentioned it. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na wala pang sinasabi sa kanya si Serj. I just assumed as Natalia was his girl! Alam kong hindi magsisinuling si Serj sa kanya!

Goodness… kung alam ko lang, I wouldn’t even breathe a word about it. I didn’t want to be the cause of their misunderstanding!

“Dobryy vecher, Irina,” Yeliz greeted at pareho kami ni Natalia na napatingin sa kanya. I saw Devlin just a few steps behind her.

I looked at Natalia. Her thoughts were distracted because of Yeliz. I smiled and decided to introduce her.

“Hey…” I looked at Yeliz. “There’s someone I want you to—”

Napatigil ako sa pagsasaluta nang makarinig ng tilian. Devlin was too fast to move and he pulled out a gun from behind him.

“Get down!” he shouted as a loud gunshot was heard through the whole function hall.

Everything became chaos after that. Nagkagulo ang mga tao. Frightened screams and shouts could be heard everywhere as people ran with no direction, hoping to save themselves. May mga narinig din akong nabasag at mga bagay na natumba that caused some people to tripped.

“Are you okay?” I heard Devlin ask Yeliz.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano’ng sinagot ni Yeliz sa kanya dahil sa sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. My body began to tremble. Hirap na rin akong habulin ang paghinga ko. I didn’t know what to do at pakiramdam ko ay wala ako sa sariling katawan ko.

No… No… I’m in danger. I don’t want to get hurt again.

“Irina!”

I snapped back when I heard Yeliz shout my name. Nakatayo na sila ni Devlin and she had her hand held out for me. Hindi na ako nag-isip pa at mabilis na kinuha ang kamay ni Natalia bago tinanggap ang nakalahad na kamay ni Yeliz.

Devlin moved fast and alertly that we had to run to match his pace. Ilang beses akong nabangga ng mga tao but I refused to let go of Natalia and Yeliz’s hands. It would be bad if we got separated.

Hindi ko alam kung ramdam ba nila ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko. My body even felt cold. I was so terrified. Kung wala si Devlin na sinusundan namin, baka nanatili lang ako sa pwesto ko kanina. Hindi na kasi gumagana ang isip ko sa kung ano ba’ng dapat kong gawin ngayon dahil pinapangunahan na ako ng sobrang takot. And there was a certain memory that unlocked in my mind na hindi nakatulong sa ’kin ngayon.

My body collided into something hard. The impact almost made me stumble to the floor. Iisipin ko na sanang pader iyon kung hindi ko lang naramdaman ang brasong pumalibot sa bewang ko, preventing me to fall before I was pulled back. Nang inangat ko ang tingin ko, I saw Killian heavy stares at me. Mabilis n’yang pinasadahan ng tingin ang kabuuan ko na para bang sinisigurong ayos lang ako.

I wasn’t prepared with the relief I felt as soon as I saw him. Nawala ang panlalamig ng katawan ko kasabay ng panghihina ko. It was a good thing that Killian was holding me. Nang masiguro n’yang kaya ko nang makatayo ay tinanggal n’ya ang braso n’ya sa bewang ko at hinawaka ako sa braso. He faced Devlin who looked like he was a second away to firing his gun.

There was a heavy tension between the men. Naririnig ko silang nag-uusap and I saw that Killian said something too. Pero hindi ko na pinakinggan iyon. I just remained staring at Killian because right now, he was the only thing that made me feel safe in this chaos. Tuluyan nang nawala ang kaba at takot na naramdaman ko kanina ngayong nasa tabi ko na s’ya.

But when I saw the men pointing a gun at each other, I let out a shriek. I wasn’t sure what happened but it seemed like Devlin misunderstood something. He must’ve thought that Serj and Killian would do something bad to me and Natalia dahil hawak nila kaming pareho. And Devlin wanted to make sure that we were safe.

Devlin definitely knew who Serj and Killian were.

From Serj and Natalia, I saw Devlin looking at me this time. Alam kong nakita n’ya ang takot sa mga mata ko.

“Let’s just go, Devlin,” I heard Yeliz say.

Devlin glared at Serj and Killian first before he finally put down his gun. Ganoon din ang ginawa ng magkapatid na Romanov. He gave me and Natalia one last look before he held Yeliz’s arm again.

“Let’s go,” he said.

Kasabay ng pag-alis ng dalawa ay ang pagkilos din ni Serj. He guided Natalia and Killian followed them while he was still holding my arm. Mahigpit ang pagkakakapit n’ya sa braso ko. Parang sinisigurong hindi ako makakalayo.

They guided us to the car outside and Serj opened the door on the backseat. Natalia went in first. Tumabi ako sa kanya.

“Kill, take them to the safe house,” Serj said before he tried to close the car’s door pero pinigilan iyon ni Natalia.

“Wait! What about you?” She looked worried.

“There’s something I need to check. Don’t worry. Killian will be with you. You’ll be safe.”

“Serj!” habol pa ni Natalia nang isinara n ani Serj ang pinto ng kotse. Mabilis ko s’yang hinawakan sa braso nang parang gusto n’ya pa talagang bumaba para sundan si Serj.

“Natalia… He will be okay.”

She looked at me, confusion filled her eyes. My heart ached for her as she looked really clueless and it seemed like it frustrated her. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mainis kay Serj dahil wala man lang talaga s’yang sinabi kay Natalia kaya litong-lito ngayon.

Killian drove the car. Natahimik si Natalia at tumingin na lang sa labas ng bintana. Hinayaan ko na lang s’ya dahil alam kong gulong-gulo ang isip n’ya ngayon. Even I who had an idea what probably the reason there was a gunshot was confused too. Marami ang naging tanong sa isip ko.

“Chto tam proizoshlo?” I asked Killian what happened.

“Boss ostalsya, chtoby vyyasnit’, chto proizoshlo,” he said. Nagpaiwan si Serj para alamin ang nangyari.

So, it means that there was a chance that it was probably the work of the mafia. Hindi na dapat ako magulat kung totoo nga. Bratva’s boss was there. As well as Killian who was his right-hand man.

I took a deep breath but it just made my emotions worse. Ang dami kong naramdaman ngayong gabi. I was trying so hard to calm myself but it was really hard. I didn’t know how to deal with these emotions. I felt like I was on the verge of bursting out and there were so many reasons that made me want to.

There were also plenty of reasons why I snapped and shouted at Killian on the way as he drove the car to the safe house with me and Natalia.

First, the fashion show that I spent months preparing got ruined because of the gunshot. I spent sleepless nights making my designs as I didn’t want to stop my momentum. Kapag nagtatrabaho ako, gusto ko, tuloy-tuloy ay gawa ko para tuloy-tuloy din ang daloy ng ideas sa isip ko. I worked hard. My hand even hurt as I pushed myself to the limit while I sewed and stitched together my designs.

Second, of course, people who attended the after-party panicked and chaos happened. Nawala ang pagiging organisado ng event. Nagkanya-kanyang takbo ang lahat para iligtas ang mga sarili. The third reason was connected to the second. Dahil nagkagulo ay alam kong may mga nasaktan at may mga nasira ring mga gamit and I had to deal with all of those after the chaos died down.

Fourth, I was certain that the media would hear this so I would have to deal with them too. I just got back in this industry and something like this already happened. Hindi rin naman palaging nangyayari ang ganito so of course the media would want to cover this story.

And lastly… the gunshot brought a bad memory back to me. That time when I was shot in the shoulder. The gunshot was so loud at that time that it burned in my mind. At ang makarinig ulit ng ganoon ay nagpabalik sa takot at sakit na naramdaman ko noon.

I thought I was already okay… but I guess that was how trauma was. Isang bagay lang na makapagpapaalala sa ’yo ng nangyari, everything would come back. And it was a terrible feeling as you thought that you were already moving forwards but the truth was, you were just pretending to be. Na kapag may nakapagpaalala sa ’yo ng nangyari, pakiramdam mo, bumalik ka lang ulit sa simula.

And I hated that. I hated not being okay. I have a son. Kailangan ako ng anak ko. Kailangan kong maging malakas para sa anak ko. Ayoko s’yang maapektuhan o hindi kaya ay may magawa ako mali sa pagpapalaki sa kanya dahil hindi ko magawang makalimot. I couldn’t move forward.

Because of those emotions spiraling inside of me, I snapped at Killian.

“Plokhiye veshchi neizmenno proiskhodyat, kogda ty so mnoy!”

The words already left my mouth before I regretted what I said. I didn’t mean it. Hindi ko gustong iparating na palaging may nangyayaring masama kapag kasama ko s’ya. Hindi ko s’ya gustong sisihin sa mga ’yon. Things were just… I was just so confused and… emotional kaya hindi ko na napigilan ang bibig ko. S’ya tuloy ang sumalo sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayon.

I knew I blamed him before. Pero naiintindihan ko na naman ang lahat ngayon. Hindi n’ya ginusto ang nangyari. He didn’t want me hurt. It wasn’t him who hurt me. At hindi lang din naman ako ang nasaktan. S’ya rin.

I now understand that what happened to me wasn’t really his fault. His world was just… so different. Hindi ko man maintindihan ang lahat but… I knew Killian would never want me in danger. And circumstances back then were just cruel to us.

Some things were just really out of our control.

Killian looked taken aback by my outburst. He didn’t say anything at first. But then I noticed his jaw ticked as he clenched his teeth. I couldn’t see what expression he was making as I was in the backseat but I could clearly feel the menacing aura around him.

“Are you really fucking blaming me?” Killian said to me in Russian. He even sounded so pissed.

“I am not!” I said in Russian. “I never even said that it is your fault for what happened earlier!”

“Well, that is what you were implying! Do you really fucking think that I would want to put you in danger again, Irina?”

“Why are you so mad at me? I just wanted to know what happened!”

“Well, you sure did ask me nicely.”

I scoffed. “You didn’t have to be sarcastic!”

“Will you both just shut up?!” Pareho pa kami ni Killian na nagulat sa biglang pagsigaw ni Natalia. “I don’t understand what you’re saying! I don’t understand what’s happening! I don’t understand anything at all!”

Natalia looked so frustrated. It didn’t help that Killian and I were arguing using a language that she couldn’t understand. I felt so bad that I’d forgotten about her dahil sa sobrang inis ko kay Killian.

And when I saw her harshly wipe the tears that fell down her eyes, I felt even more guilty.

“I’m sorry…” he said softly.

I took a deep breath and held her hands.

“It’s alright, Natalia…” I glared at Killian kahit na alam kong hindi n’ya makikita. “I can’t believe you and Serj haven’t told her anything yet.”

Killian thankfully didn’t say anything. May palagay kasi akong hindi ko mapipigilan ang sarili kong makipagtalo na naman sa kanya kung sakaling may sabihin s’yang hindi ko magustuhan. It actually felt exhilarating arguing with him. Para bang nakatulong pa nga iyon sa pagpapakalma sa sarili ko.

It took a while before we finally reached the safe house. It was a two-storey modern house with a black exterior. I guess the whole area was private property as the house was actually surrounded by a grass field.

“I’ll take you to your room, madame,” I heard Killian say to Natalia after we entered the house.

Nang tumango si Natalia ay ako naman ang binalingan n’ya. He looked so serious staring at me as if he was still mad sa naging sagutan namin kanina sa kotse. O siguro sa ibang bagay pa at hindi ko lang alam kung anong dahilan.

“Stay there, Irina,” he said, indicating that I should just stay in the living room. “You know better than to go anywhere.”

It sounded like a threat. Para bang tinatakot n’ya ako na kapag umalis ako roon ay may mangyayaring masama sa ’kin, which I knew that it was possible kaya wala na akong nagawa kundi ang irapan s’ya at maupo sa sofa. I even crossed my arms over my chest so he would know that I didn’t really want to be here but I didn’t have any other choice.

They both went upstairs at naiwan akong mag-isa sa baba. I saw men outside, guarding the house. I think I even saw Ioann with them, isa sa mga lalaking ipinakilala sa akin ni Serj noon sa hospital.

I took a deep breath. Ang tahimik ng paligid. Para tuloy isang masamang panaginip lang ang nangyari kanina.

But I knew it did happen. Totoo ang takot na naramdaman ko.

Napatingin ako sa mga kamay ko. I immediately saw the scar on my hands nang operahan ako noon. With those on my skin, hindi ko talaga maipagkakamali na isang panaginip lang ang lahat. Those scars always took me back to reality whenever I felt that everything that happened was just a bad dream.

Hindi rin naman nagtagal si Killian at bumaba rin agad. Tumayo kaagad ako nang makita s’ya.

“I need to go home,” I said. Knowing Mom, baka alam na n’ya kung ano’ng nangyari sa event. I was even sure that the media already made news about it.

Sinulyapan lang ako ni Killian at nagtuloy-tuloy sa mini bar. I frowned at him. Bumabalik na naman ang inis ko. Sinundan ko s’ya at nagsasalin s’ya ng alak saw whiskey glass.

“Take me home, Killian,” mariin kong sabi.

He looked at me as he closed the bottle and took the glass to his lips to sip on his drink. Sa buong panahon na ’yon ay hindi na ’yon ay hindi n’ya inaalis ang tingin sa ’kin. I forced myself not to feel anything with his stares. Mabigat kasi ang mga titig n’ya. As if I were a specimen under a microscope and he was thinking what he would do to me.

“You can’t,” he finally said.

Mas lalong nangunot ang noo ko.

“Why not?”

Napabuntong-hininga s’ya. It was that kind of sigh as if the last thing he wanted to do was to talk to me. Para bang nababagot s’ya. O naiinis. I could still see the anger in his eyes.

Maayos na akong nakikipag-usap sa kanya, ah? Bakit nagagalit pa rin s’ya?“

“It’s not safe, Irina. We still don’t know who fired the gun back there and who their target is.”

Sasabihin ko na sanang wala akong kaaway kaya hindi ako ang target ng kung sinumang nagpaputok n baril. But then, I remembered what happened three years ago, I didn’t have any enemies back then as well but I was targeted anyway.

Pero gusto ko na talagang umuwi. Baka nag-aalala na sina Mommy. Isa pa, after what happened today, gusto kong makasama ang anak. I was worried about him. I wanted to make sure that he was safe. I might be just overthinking things pero nang ipinanganak ko si Kazimir ay naging sobrang obsess ako para sa safety n’ya. Dahil na rin siguro sa nangyari noon. Kaya nga pumayag din akong sina Mommy muna ang mag-alaga kay Kaz noon dahil alam kong mas maaalagaan nila ng ayos ang anak ko.

“You can’t just keep me here,” I said.

I heard Killian scoff. Uminom muna sa alak n’ya at nang ibinaba ang baso ay nakita kong may nang-uuyam na ngisi sa mga labi n’ya.

“You know I can.”

He could. Kaya n’yang gawin ’yon at wala man laang akong maagagawa para pigilan n’ya. I know what he was capable of. Not to mention that there were also men outside and the gate on this property was a long drive away from the house. It was really impossible for me to leave.

“But I won’t,” sabi ni Killian na ikinagulat ko. “Stay here until I make sure it’s safe for you to go.” Inubos n’ya ang inumin bago tumayo. “You should rest. I’ll take you to one of the guestrooms.”

Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang sumunod sa kanya. He was right anyway. Sa tingin ko ay hindi rin ako mapapatanag nang hindi nalalaman kung ano talaga ang nangyari. Mas lalo lang din akong mag-aalalang baka madamay ang pamilya ko, especially Kazimir, kapag umuwi ako nang hindi pa nasisiguro ang lahat.

Kill guided me to one of the guestrooms. Tahimik lang ako habang naglalakad. Killian wasn’t saying anything too. Pero nang makapasok na ako sa guestroom ay saka ako may naalala.

“I don’t have clothes,” I said. Nilingon ko si Killian na nakatayo sa may pintuan. “I even left my purse at the venue.” Nandoon pa naman ’yung phone ko!

He stared at me. Hinintay ko s’yang magsalita o may sabihing kahit solusyon para sa problema ko. I don’t think I could sleep in this dress. I didn’t think I would be able to sleep at all after all that happened today. Especially with the thought that Killian and I were under the same roof.

Nagtagal ang tingin sa ’kin ni Killian at nagsisimula na akong mailang. Nang pasadahan n’ya ng tingin ang kabuuan ko ay nanayo ang balahibo ko sa katawan. I gulped when I saw how his green eyes darkened when his gaze went back to my face again.

“You can wear mine tonight,” he said. “Tomorrow, I’ll get the clothes that you left at my place. I think they still fit on you.”

Oh… That was why he eyed my body earlier.

But wait… Hindi n’ya pa itinatapon ang mga damit kong nasa penthouse n’ya?

“About your purse, I’ll tell my boss about it. I think he’s still at the venue.”

Tumango na lang ako. Wala nang masabi.

“Do you still need anything?” he asked.

I looked at him. I couldn’t see any emotion in his eyes. Parang may bilang nagbago na hindi ko alam kung ano. He seemed thrilled when he first saw me again at the after-party earlier. I wasn’t able to explain the sting I felt in my chest while looking at him.

What would happen if I told him about Kazimir? Would he show any emotion? Would he be happy to know about him?

“Can I use your phone?” I asked. Baka kung saan pa mapunta ang iniisip ko. “I need to… I need to call my mom.”

Kung nagtaka man ’yang nagkakausap na ulit kami ni Mommy matapos ng nangyari noon ay hindi n’ya ipinakita. He just sighed and took out his phone. He unlocked it first before giving it to me. Parang naiinis pang iniabot sa ’kin iyon.

Gusto ko na sanang bawiin ang sinabi ko. Nakakahiya naman. Baka napipilitan lang s’yang magpahiram. But I really need to call my family. It was a good thing that I memorized Mom’s number.

“Thanks,” sabi kong kinuha ang phone.

He didn’t say anything and left. Wala man lag talagang sinabi! Hindi pa nga isinara ’yung pinto. I just rolled my eyes and closed the door myself.

I dialed Mom’s number. It was already late pero baka kasi nag-aalala na sila sa ’kin. Lalo pa at hindi ko masasagot kung sakali mang tumawag sila dahil wala nga sa akin ang phone ko.

“Hello? Who is this?” Mom asked after she answered the call. Her voice sounded as if I had just woken her up.

“Mom? It’s me… Irina.”

“Irina? Why are you calling? Tapos na ang after-party mo?”

That confused me. Ibig sabihin ay hindi pa nila alam ang naangyari.

Why though? I was so sure that people would talk about it. Lalo na ang media na hindi magpapaawat na ibalita iyon.

“I can’t go home tonight, Mom… Because of what happened.”

“What? What do you mean? Did something happen?” she sounded confused.

Ilang sandali akong nakapagsalita. Wala talaga s’yang ideya. Sigurado pa naman akong makakarating kaagad sa kanya ang nangyari especially she still had a lot of connections in the industry even after she retired. Ilan din sa mga kakilala n’ya ang invited sa fashion show ko.

“Oh… I was…” I took a deep breath. I decided not to mention anything about it. “How’s Kazimir?”

“Kanina pa natutulog,” sabi ni Mommy. Halata sa boses n’ya na nagising ko talaga. “Don’t worry about my apo and just enjoy your fashion show, Irina. Kami na ang bahala sa kanya.”

She really didn’t know anything. Ayoko namang banggitin ang tungkol doon at mag-aalala lang sila. At least if they hear about it later, they would know I am safe dahil tumawag na ako sa kanila ngayon.

“Okay… Thanks, Mom. Goodnight.”

When I ended the call, I used Killian’s phone to search for any news about what happened tonight. Pero wala akong nakitang balita tungkol sa gulong nanyari. I searched about my fashion show today pero ang nakita ko lang ay ang mga nakaraan ding articles about sa mga fashion bloggers and reporters, talking about my second fashion show after taking a break.

I don’t understand…

Napatitig ako sa phone ni Killian as I pressed the home button. It had default wallpaper. I stopped the urge to explore his messages and chats even if I had the freedom to do so. Nang mamatay ang ilaw at kinailangan na ng passcode para ma-unlock ay nakahinga ako nang maluwag.

At least, hindi na ako mate-tempt basahin ang messages n’ya. He lent his phone to me. The least I could do was to respect his privacy.

Bumaba na ako at hinanap si Killiaan. I found him walking out of one of the rooms. Nakita na n’ya ako habang isinasara n’ya ang pinto. Sa isang kamay ay may hawak s’yang white shirt.

Napatigil naman ako sa paglalakad at napatitig sa kanyang naglakad palapit sa ’kin. He already took off his coa. Ang sleeves ng inner polo n’ya ay nakarolyo na hanggang siko and I could see his arms.

Nasa harapan ko na s’ya pero nakatingin pa rin ako sa mga braso n’ya. There were visible tattoos there. A bunch of things like guns, a cross, a sword, things and designs and symbols that I couldn’t really figure out. The spaces were filled with tribal designs so his arms were really… fully inked now. Ang akala ko ay sa leeg lang ang nadagdag na tattoo sa kanya.

“Here.”

Gusto ko pa saang titigan ang mga tattoo n’ya, isa-isahin kung ano ang mga nandoon. Pero pinilit ko ang sarili kong mag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. I saw him just staring down at me. His eyes still wweren’t showing any emotions but… but his stares were just really… intense. So intense that could make my knees tremble kaya mabilis kong iniiwas ang tingin sa kanya.

Wala sa sariling kinuha ko ang damit na inaabot n’ya. Nang makita ko ang pag-igting ng mga panga n’ya ay napakuraap ako.

“Oh, here.” Mabilis kong iniabot sa kanya ang phone. “Thanks.”

He rudely turned his back at me that really pissed me off. Maglalakad na nga sana s’ya pabalik na mas ikinainis ko lang.

“Why there aren’t still any news about what happened in my after-party?” tanong ko bago pa s’ya makahakbang. Wala na sana akong planong tanungin pa s’ya. Ano ba’ng malay n’ya kung bakit hindi pa dumadaldal ang mga tao?

Pero nabwisit ako nang bigla n’ya akong talikuran. Parang ayaw na ayaw makipag-usap sa ’kin. Parang galit pa.

Kung ayaw n’ya talagang ipahiram ang phone n’ya, hindi na sana n’ya pinahiram! Hindi ko naman s’ya pinipilit!

Napairap na talaga ako nang marinig ko ang buntong-hininga n’ya bago humarap sa ’kin. May inis sa mga mata n’ya.

“I took care of it,” he said as if it was common sense.

Hindi ko inaasahan ’yon.

“What? Why?” Napailing ako dahil nagkaroon na rin ng sagot sa utak ko. “Oh, your family name might get dragged with what happened. You wouldn’t want that, right?”

’Yung inis ni Killian, mas dumoble pa yata. Parang mauubusan na ng pasensya sa pakikipag-usap sa ’kin.

“The fuck are you—” He stopped and took a deep breath. Pigil na pigil ang inis. “So, you wouldn’t have to deal with anything! You need to rest, damn it!”

Napatulala ako sa kanya. He looked really pissed pero nanatili pa rin namang nakatayo sa harapan.

“You did that for me?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong.

I mean… that must’ve been a lot of work. Hindi ko alam kung kailan n’ya yon ginawa pero ang bilis naman n’yang kumilos. Para bang pagkaalis namin venue ay gumawa na agad s’ya ng paraan para walang makalabas na balita sa nangyari sa after-partyko.

Emotions welled inside me. This time, they weren’t negative. I felt a warmth inside me. Warmth that only he could give me.

May ibinulong s’yang hindi ko nakuha.

“What’s that?” I asked.

Para kasing narinig kong sinabi n’yang ako lang ang walang tiwala sa kanya. But it was… quite not possible as he said it in Tagalog. Naalala ko ang sinabi ni Serj na iniiwasan n’ya ang lenggwaheng ’yon.

Killian huffed a breath. May palagay akong kung may ibang tao lang kaming kasama ngayon ay nasaktan na n’ya sa sobrang pagkabuwisit sa ’kin.

But no matter how pissed he was with me, he wouldn’t hurt me.

“Nothing,” he said.

“You said something,” I insisted.

Bwisit n’ya akong tiningnan.

“Just take a damn rest, Irina!” Iyon lang at tinalikuran na n’ya ako.

I glared at his back. Pinanood ko s’yang maglakad sa kwarto kung saan ko s’ya nakitang lumabas kanina.

“You didn’t have to shout, you know!” sabi ko pa.

Malakas n’yang isinara ang pinto. I rolled my eyes and went back to my room.

Chapter 49

I was a bit disoriented when I woke up the next day. I had to stare blankly at the ceiling for a few minutes to remember what happened yesterday as I got confused about where the hell I was. When the events came back to me, it felt as if it was just a long nightmare. Pero ang takot at ang kabang naramdaman ko ay totoo.

I didn’t have a good sleep. It was just… okay. But at least, the fear I felt yesterday has lessened now. Maybe the fact that I knew Killian was around helped me.

I took a deep breath. Bumangon ako para maupo sa kama at natigilan nang makita ang purse kong nakapatong sa bedside table. Sa isag sulok ng kwarto ay isang duffel bag at nahulaan ko nang mga damit kong naiwan sa penthouse ni Killian three years ago ang laman noon. I guess Killian put them there while I was asleep. Hindi man lang ako nagising.

I took out my phone from my purse. I grimaced when I saw that it was already lunchtime. I mean I already slept late last night pero hindi ko akalaing magiging mahaba ang tulog ko. I was a morning person. I always woke up early, no matter what.

I guess I was wrong then. I did have a good night’s sleep.

There were already messages from my mom and Lola asking me when I will go home as Kaz was already looking for me. Nang mabasa ang pangalan ng anak ko ay walang pagdadalawang-isip na tinawagan ko si Mommy.

“Hi, Mom!” I greeted her when she answered the video call.

“Irina!” she exclaimed. “Wait. I’ll just get Kaz.”

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita as Mom already moved. Naging magulo ang nasa camera habang naglalakad si Mommy. I figured that she had to go downstairs pa. May palagay ako na kanina pa nga ako hinahanap ni Kaz kaya parang halos nagmamadali si Mommy sa pagbaba.

I sighed. I should’ve been with him. I wanna be with him. I mean, I wasn’t always with him in the first year of his life. Bilang lang ang pagkakataon na magkasama kami noon.

Ang akala ko, kapag bumalik na ako sa Russia ay makakabawi na ako sa kanya. But I got busy with my career especially since I just got back after taking a break. Mas marami ang naging offers ko ngayon. Mas marami ang naging client ko. Hindi ko magawa ang pangako kong mas aasikasuhin ko na ang anak ko.

And actually, there was a part of me thinking that… I should just quit. With fashion design. Dahil pakiramdam ko ay nawawalan ako ng oras kay Kaz dahil doon.

“Kaz! Here’s Mommy!” rinig kong tawag ni Mommy nang makababa.

Itinapat ni Mommy ang front cam kay Kaz na nakaupo sa rubber mat na nakalagay sa sahig at may kung anong nilalaro, hind pa ako napapansin. I noticed his eyes were wet and red. Mukhang kagagaling lang sap ag-iyak.

“Kanina pa ’yan umiiyak, Irina,” rinig ko ang boses ni Lola sa background. “Ikaw agad ang hinanap paggising. Ngayon-ngayon lang ’yan tumahan.”

My heart ached for my son. In that moment, nakapagdesisyon akong kakausapin ko si Killian mamaya para makauwi na. I couldn’t bear being away from my son.

“Is my baby crying?” tanong ko.

Nang marinig ang boses ko, nakita ko ang agad na pag-angat ng tingin ni Kaz. He looked around, looking for me. There was a hopeful look in his eyes. Nang hindi ako makita ay nahihirapan pang tumayo at naglakad kung saan.

“No, Kaz! You’re Mommy is on the phone!” sabi ni Mommy na mukhang hinabol ang anak ko.

I heard Lola chuckle.

“Nagpunta sa may pinto, apo. Akala dumating ka na. Sasalubungin ka yata.”

Nang umayos na ulit ang view sa camera, nakita kong nakaupo na si Kaz sa kandungan ni Mommy while she was sitting on the sofa. Mom made Kaz look on the phone and when my son finally saw me, he took the phone from her and stared hard at me.

I smiled at him.

“Hello, Kaz! How are you?”

He didn’t say anything. Nanatili lang na nakatitig sa ’kin. And then, he put the phone on his chest as if he was hugging it. Dumilim tuloy ang nakikita ko sa screen.

“No, baby. That’s a video call. You can’t see Mommy like that,” sabi ni Mommy bago umayos ang nasa screen at nakita ko ulit si Kaz na papaiyak na.

“Halatang nami-miss ka na ng anak mo, apo,” Lola said.

“I miss you too, Kaz…” halos maiyak ko na ring sabi. “I promise Mommy will be home soon, okay?”

He sniffed. Mukhang pinipigilang umiyak but he couldn’t stop his tears. His lips trembled and his eyes watered. When I heard his little sobs, it almost broke my heart.

“I’m so sorry, baby…” my voice croaked. I wanna hug him so bad and comfort him pero hanggang doon pa lang ang kaya kong gawin ngayon.

“Kailan ka nga ba uuwi, Irina? Marami ka pa bang aasikasuhin?”

Saglit akong hindi nakasagot sa tanong ni Mommy. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano’ng sasabihin ko. They didn’t know what happened to my after-party. Hindi ko rin kayang ipagtapat kung ano talaga ang nangyari. They would freak out the moment they found out about it knowing what I’ve gone through before.

“Hindi ko pa po alam, Mom. But I’ll try to come home tonight.”

“Okay. Magsabi ka agad kapag hindi ka makakauwi. We’ll try to find ways para malibang ’tong apo ko,” Mom said.

“Kailangan pagurin sa paglalaro para makatulog agad,” I heard Lola said. “Nagliligalig sa gabi kapag hindi ikaw ang katabi.”

I know I should feel bad that I wasn’t with my son but… it made me happy knowing that Kaz was looking for me. I was happy to know that he always wanted to be with me. Nakakataba lang ng puso na kahit na halos isang taon ko s’yang hindi nakasama ay sa akin pa rin s’ya naging pinakamalapit.

“Sige na, Irina. Kumain ka na muna. Halatang kagigising mo lang. Ang gulo pa ng buhok mo. It’s already lunch time! You should watch out for your health!”

“Eh, kanino pa ba magmamana ng katigasan ng ulo ’yan, Catherine?” Lola said. “Pahirapan ka rin pakainin noon kapag masyado kang abala.”

Nakasimangot si Mommy nang tingnan si Lola.

“Ma, that was so long ago.”

“Oo nga, pero ’ayan. Minana ng anak mo.”

“Pasaway ka rin pala no’n, Mommy?” natatawa kong tanong.

“Of course not!” mariing deny ni Mommy.

“Ano’ng of course not? ’Ayan si Irina, oh. Pruweba kung gaano katigas ang ulo mo.”

Magsasalita pa sana ulit si Mommy. Itatanggi na naman siguro ang sinabi ni Lola. But Kaz already whined. Inalo s’ya ni Mommy at mas itinapat sa kanya ang camera para mas makita ako.

“Baby Kaz… Mommy has to go na. I’ll call you later again, okay?”

Kaz whined again. Halatang ayaw pang putulin ang tawag. Or he wanted me to be there. But as long as my safety wasn’t guaranteed, hindi pa rin ako makakaalis ng safe house na ’to kahit ano pang pagmamakaawa ang gawin ko.

“I’m so sorry, baby…” sabi ko nang magsimula nang umiyak si Kazimi. Kahit na gusto ko nang umuwi ng mga oras na ’yon para aluin ang anak ko ay hindi ko magawa. All I could do was watch him cry.

Ibinigay ni Mommy ang phone kay Lola para kargahin si Kazimir at aluin. But I could still hear his cries in the background.

“Kami na’ng bahala kay Kazimir, apo,” sabi ni Lola nang makita ang pag-aalala sa mga mata ko. “Ayusin mo muna ang dapat mong asikasuhin.”

“Please, tell Kaz that I love him,” naiiyak ko nang sabi.

Napangiti si Lola.

“Hayaan mo at sasabihin ko.”

I felt really bad when I ended the call. Lalo pa at natapos ang tawag ang naririnig ko ang pag-iyak ni Kazimir. It frustrated the hell out of me. Pakiramdam ko ay wala akong kwentang ina dahil napapabayaan ko na ang anak ko.

Naihilamos ko ang mga kamay sa mukha ko. Alam kong bata pa si Kaz and he might not remember this when he grew up but I didn’t want him to feel neglected. I didn’t want him to grow up with that though even once. Ayokong… ayokong magtampo o lumayo ang loob n’ya sa ’kin.

Mabigat akong napabuntong-hininga. Wala sa sarili akong napatingin sa may pintuan at halos panlaamigan ang buong katawan ko nang makitang nandoon si Killian. He was leaning on the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest. His one leg was even crossed on the front of the other, a stance that was telling me na parang kanina n’ya pa ako pinapanood.

I guess my heart even stopped beating. I stopped breathing as well. Ibinuka ko ang bibig ko para sana magsalita pero itinikom ko rin agad.

He was wearing plain white shirt and gray sweatpants, ang madalas n’yang isuot din noon kapag nasa bahay lang sya at walang ibang pupuntahan. I just noticed, now that he was wearing casual clothes, that his body became leaner and more ripped. Parang hindi pinabayaan sa workout sa nakalipas na tatlong taon. His shirt was hugging his body. Dahil nakalukipkip ay mas lalo kong napansin ang malalaking mga braso n’ya, making his tattoos more noticeable as well.

I looked at his face. He had his head tilted while staring at me, watching my expression. I blushed profusely as I knew he caught me eyeing his body.

“How long have you been there?” I asked.

Naabutan n’ya kayang kausap ko si Kaz? Why the hell I haven’t noticed him? I mean, I always felt his presence especially his heavy stares. Pero hindi ko talaga napansin na nandoon s’ya, nor is he opening the room’s door.

I still wasn’t sure if he knew anything about Kaz. If he did, he would definitely say something, right? Hindi s’ya ’yung tipong mananahimik na lang.

Then… does that mean he still didn’t know? And what would he do once he finds out he has a son?

Hindi nagsalita si Killian. Nanatili lang nakatitig sa ’kin. Katulad pa rin kagabi, his face still wasn’t showing emotion while looking at me. Wala tuloy akong ideya kung ano’ng iniisip n’ya.

And then, his gaze went down, eyeing my body. Nakita ko ang pag-angat ng isang sulok ng mga labi n’ya. Napatingin tuloy ako sa katawan ko. I was still wearing his clothes. Wala namang parte ng katawan ko na hindi n’ya dapat makita.

But then… I remember I wasn’t wearing anything underneath. And… I probably looked horrible as I just woke up.

“Get out!” mabilis kong sab isa kanya sabay takip ng comforter sa katawan ko.

His smirk widened. He even chuckled, which made me blush more. Siguro akong kitang-kita n’ya ang pamumula ng mukha ko.

“What’s the fuss?” he said. “I saw more than that, Irina.”

“Killian!”

“Have you already forgotten? Or should I make you remember?”

Sa sobrang bwisit ko ay kumuha ako ng unan at ibinato ’yon sa kanya na walang kahirap-hirap naman n’yang nasalo. He was chuckling when he looked at me again.

“There’s food downstairs. You should eat.”

I frowned

“I’ll eat when I want to.”

Mukhang hindi n’ya nagustuhan iyon. Nawala ang ngisi sa mga laabi n’ya at seryosong tumingin sa ’kin.

“You already skipped breakfast. You should eat your lunch, now, Irina.”

He used that same tone of voice again. That tone he always used when I was disobedient or refused to do something he wanted of me. That tone in his voice conveyed a warning. And that was the only warning he would give me as he would punish me if I disobeyed him again.

Mabilis kong iniiwas ang tingin sa kanya. My heart was thumping so fast and it gave me the feeling of something I thought I’ve already forgotten. And it was a bit too much for me right now. Dahil hindi ko akalain na kahit tatlong taon na ang lumipas ay kaya n’ya pa ring ibigay sa ’kin ang ganoong pakiramdam gamit lang ang mga titig.

“Then leave now, Killian. I need to freshen up.” I was glad that my voice sounded steady.

“Bumaba ka pagkatapos.”

“I know!” Inis ko pa s’yang nilingon pero natigilan nang marinig ang sinabi n’ya.

Did he just…?

“Just make sure, Irina. I swear I’ll fucking carry you if you won’t come down in ten minutes.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“Are you crazy? I need one hour!”

“That’s fucking too long! Malilipasan ka na ng gutom!”

“You know I need one hour to freshen up in the morning, Killian! You weren’t against that before! Why complain now?”

Natigilan si Killian. Napatitig din tuloy ako sa kanya kung ano’ng mali sa sinabi ko. Pinamulahan ako ng mukha nang ma-realize iyon na mas lumala lang nang marinig ko ang mababang pagtawa n’ya.

“Glad to know you haven’t forgotten those times,” he said and I glared at him. He just smirked at me. “Thirty minutes, Irina. That’s all I can give you.”

Hindi na n’ya ako binigyan ng pagkakataong makapagreklamo pa nang tumalikod na s’ya at isinara ang pinto sa pag-alis n’ya. Dala pa n’ya ang unan na inihagis ko sa kanya kanina.

I fought the urge t scream out of frustration. I would just be screaming at the door anyway. Ilang beses na lang akong humugot ng malalalim na paghinga para pakalmahin ang sarili ko.

Goodness. Alam kong may mga pagkakataong nakakapikon talaga si Killian. He pissed me off a lot of times back then anyway. Pero parang mas lumala lang yata ngayon. I was thankful that he wasn’t following me around again anyway. Iyon na lang ang pampalubag-loob ko.

I was about to get out of bed when I remembered something. Napatingin tuloy ulit ako sa nakasaradong pinto. I frowned.

I was sure that Killian spoke in Tagalog. Dalawang beses pa. He sounded fluent and his diction was flawless. Para bang sanay na sanay magsalita noon.

Then… it means na hindi ko lang gguni-guni ang narinig kong pagsasalita n’ya ng Tagalog kagabi.

I thought Serj said na iniiwasan ni Killian ang language na ’yon? Why does it seem like he is used to speaking in that language now? Parang araw-araw na nagsasalita ng ganoon.

What happened?

Tumayo na ako at kumuha ng damit sa loob ng duffel bag. Namula pa ang mukha ko nang makitang may mga undergarments din ako roon.

God… Kinuha ni Killian lahat ng ’to?

Pumasok na ako sa banyo at mas nadagdagan lang ang frustration ko nang makita ang itsura ko sa salamin doon sa tapat ng sink. Gusto ko na lang magpalamon sa lupa knowing that I faced Killian looking like this earlier! Ang gulo pa ng buhok ko! Sinabi na naman iyon ni Mommy kanina pero nawalan na ’ko ng oras ayusin dahil bigla na lang sumulpot si Killian!

I groaned and just started to take a bath. Wala na akong magagawa, nakita na naman ni Killian ang itsura ko. Isa pa, he was right. Ilang beses na naman nya akong nakitang bagong gising noon. We always slept together back then anyway.

I blushed at my own thoughts and groaned at myself. Pinigilan ko na ang daloy ng isip ko. Baka ung saan pa mapunta.

Binilisan ko na lang ang pagligo kahit na usually, tumatagal ang pagligo ko ng more than thirty minutes. Alam kong kapag lumagpas ako ngayon kahit isang minute, Killian would really barge in here and would drag me out no matter what I was doing.

That’s why when I went down, my hair was still damp. I didn’t have the time to fully dry my hair. Naabutan ko si Killian na nakakunot ang noo habang nakaupo sa isa sa mga upuan sa dining table. He looked at me as I walked towards him. Ilang sandali n’yang pinasadahan ng tingin ang kabuuan ko bago mas lumalim ang pakakakunot ng noo n’ya.

“Your hair’s still wet,” he said. Mukha pang gallit.

I smiled sweetly at him.

“Thanks to you, I didn’t have enough time to dry my hair.”

“You didn’t have to be sarcastic,” ulit n’ya sa sinabi ko kahapn habang nasa kotse kami. I think he held a grudge about it.

I just rolled my eyes at him. Napatingin ako sa lamesa at nakitang may pagkain nang nakahain doon. I noticed that there were only two plates for two people.

“What about Natalia and Serj?” I asked as I sat down. Doon sa tapat ni Killian. Doon din kasi nakalagay na ’yung isang plato.

“Boss went out again to take care of things,” he said.

Pinanood ko s’yang lagyan ng pagkain ang plato ko. There were soup and meat patties as well as potatoes and vegetables. Nakatitig lang ako sa mga pagkaing nandoon.

“What?” Killian asked.

I blinked at him.

“Huh?”

“You don’t like the food?” He looked wary all of a sudden.

Mabilis akong umiling.

“No…” Sinimulan ko nang kumain. “It’s good.”

“Irina,” he warned. Nakatitig pa rin s’ya sa ’kin at hindi pa kumakain.

I sighed.

“I was actually looking for rice. But this is okay.”

I mean… Nasanay na kasi akong kumain ng kanin ever since I was in the Philippines. Tapos ’yung luto pa ni Lola, ang sarap. I really like her sinangag. Hindi ako pumapalya sa pagkain ng breakfast lalo na kapag sinangag ang nakahain doon.

“I’ll cook rice then,” sabi ni Killian na patayo na pero pinigilan ko.

“No!”

I even reached out across the table to hold his arm and stopped him from getting up. Napatingin s’ya sa kamay kong nakahawak sa braso n’ya. Mabilis akong bumitiw sa kanya at umayos ng upo.

“I swear this is okay. I like this lunch.”

I noticed his jaw clenched. Parang galit pero hindi ko naman maintindihan kung bakit. Hindi naman ako nanghihingi ng kanina. Isa pa, this is the usual lunch I had back then. Ganito ang mga nakahandang pagkain na kinakain namin noong magkasama kami.

“What about Natalia?” I asked again to divert his thoughts. I took a bite on the meat patties. Umayos na s’ya ng upo at saka lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag.

“Dinalhan na s’ya ng pagkain,” he said. “She’s eating in her room.”

Natigilan ako. Even the fork I was holding stopped midair. Napatitig ako kay Killian na nagsimula na ring kumain.

“Why do you bring food into her room but not mine?”

This time, si Killian naman ang natigilan ngayon. I even frowned when I saw that he stopped eating as well and just stared at me. Parang sinisiguro pa kung tama ang narinig n’ya.

And when he smirked, I finally realized that I asked him the wrong question.

“Jealous?” nakangising tanong n’ya.

I glared at him!

“Of course not! That’s not what I mean!”

“Yeah, yeah. I got it,” sabi n’ya pero malaki pa rin ang ngisi sa mga labi n’ya.

“I meant why can she eat in her room but I have to eat here? You even limit my time to prepare myself!”

He chuckled. There was amusement in his deep green eyes. Ibang-iba sa kawalan ng emosyon na nakita ko sa kanya kanina at kagabi.

What’s with him anyway? Parang kahapon lang inis na inis s’ya sa ’kin tapos ngayon ang lakas nang mang-asar.

“Si Nikolaj ’yung naghatid ng pagkain n’ya. Serj told me not to show myself in front of her anyway.”

I frowned.

“Why?”

“So, she wouldn’t have an idea of going home.”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko.

“Huh?”

He just shrugged his shoulders. Then his smirk turned mischievous.

“There’s no reason for you to get jealous.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Pinagpatuloy ko na lang ang pagkain ko at nagkunwaring wala lang ang sinabi n’ya.

In truth, I almost sighed in relief. Ewan ko. Nang maisip ko na hinahatiran n’ya ng pagkain si Natalia sa kwarto, hindi ko nagustuhan ’yon.

But I would never tell that to Killian.

Killian chuckled. Naiinis ko s’yang tiningnan na parang tuwang-tuwa pa habang nakatingin sa ’kin. I suddenly remember how he was back then. Those times when we first met. Ganito rin kasi s’ya no’n. Mapang-asar. Mapagbiro. He didn’t even care no matter how pissed off I was at him.

“Did Serj already find out what happened?” I asked instead trying to hide the fact that my heart was beating crazily in my chest.

Killian nodded.

“These two mafia families are fighting over power. If one of their members marries this Bratva’s princess, they will become powerful.”

“Bratva’s princess?”

“The Aslanov family. They rule over the Bryansk region. While the other two only rule over districts and both want to increase their power,” he said. “But of course, they are all under Serj as my boss is the Bratva’s boss. The Romanov family ruled over the Bratva.”

I nodded. Sinusubukan kong intindihin ang paliwanag n’ya. I really liked it when he wasn’t keeping information from me. Mula pa noon, kapag nagtatanong ako tungkol sa mafia at sa mga ginagawa n’ya, he would always explain it to me patiently. He always answered my questions. Maliban na lang sa mga bagay na hindi n’ya pwedeng sabihin sa ’kin as they were already between the family.

“What does it have to do with my fashion show?” I asked.

“The Aslanov princess was there, Irina.”

Nakatitig lang sa ’kin si Killian. Parang inaabangan ang reaksyon. Because he knew, with just that, I could already understand what he meant.

“Yelizaveta Aslanova,” wala sa sarili kong sabi.

She’s a mafia princess! Kaya pala may bodyguard s’ya! She was always with her bodyguard wherever she went! And it was so obvious that Devlin was not the typical bodyguard. Minsan nga ay napatanong na rin ako kung bakit n’ya kailangan ng ganoong bodyguard. I mean, yes, she’s a public figure but… Devlin was just really… different.

So, that’s why! Kaya rin kapag sinasabi ni Devlin na hinahanap na si Yeliz ng ama n’ya ay mabilis na umuuwi si Yeliz!

Wow… I didn’t expect that.

“Wait…” I suddenly thought of something I didn’t like. “Then if Serj would marry her, the Romanov family would be more powerful?”

“He has Natalia,“mabilis na sabi ni Killian. As if that was the best reason.

Pero hindi ako nakuntento roon. There was something dreading inside me. Napalunok pa ako habang nakatingin kay Killian. I wanted to ask him something pero hindi ko naman makuhang itanong.

I didn’t even want to think about it.

“Hindi n’ya na rin kailangan,” sabi pa ni Killian. “He’s already the Bratva’s boss. He became powerful over the years. The Romanov is now the most powerful Bratva family.”

Nakatitig sa ’kin si Killian habang sinasabi iyon. Hindi ko alam kung nahalata n’ya ba ang gusto kong itanong. So, he already answered it even before I could ask him.

Because he said earlier that if one of the members would marry Yeliz, it would give more power to the family. Ibig sabihin, hindi lang si Serj ang pwedeng magpakasal sa Aslanov princess sa mga Romanov.

It was a good thing that they didn’t have to as they were already the most powerful. And Serj was already the boss of the bosses in the Bratva.

What a relief…

Nagpatuloy na lang kami sa pagkain habang nag-uusap. It was odd as I felt comfortable around him. ’Yung tako na naramdaman ko sa nangyari kahapon ay tuluyan nang nawala. To think na hindi rin maganda ang huli naming pagkikita ni Killian and yet… I feel so calm right now.

I wasn’t expecting this. Ang akala ko ay may pagkailang akong mararamdaman. But all I could feel right now was happiness to know that Killian was completely okay knowing how many injuries he suffered back then.

I made myself relax. I knew I could. Ganoon naman lagi kapag kasama ko si Killian. Kahit pa may mga pagkakataong kinakabahan ako kapag kasama s’ya, but I knew it was of different reason. I felt… safe whenever I was with him.

“Do you have a sketch pad here?” tanong ko nang matapos kaming kumain.

I already had an idea I couldn’t go home today. Serj was still out, fixing whatever the problem was, kaya alam kong hindi pa ako makakaalis hangga’t hindi pa naayos ni Serj ang lahat.

From his laptop that was on the table, he looked at me. Nagtataka siguro sa tanong ko. Sobrang out-of-nowhere kasi.

“I don’t have anything to do and obviously, I won’t be going home today,” I explained. “There are some ideas I want to draw.”

Ayoko kasi sanang masayang ’yung ideyang naiisip ko. Pwede rin namang phone app na lang ang gamitin ko but I really preferred sketch pad. Mas kontrolado ko ang galaw ng kamay ko. Lalo pa at kung minsan, kapag pagod na talaga ang kamay ko ay nahihirapan na akong igalaw ’yon.

Killian stared at me for a while. Bumaba ang tingin n’ya sa mga kamay kong nakapatong sa dining table. An emotion passed in his eyes na mabilis ding nawala bago ko pa napangalanan iyon. Mabilis kong itinago ang mga kamay ko sa ilalim at saka lang s’ya tumingin ulit sa mga mata ko.

“So? Do you have a sketch pad?” I asked. “And a good pencil I can use?”

“I have it in my car. Let me just get it.”

Nagulat ako roon at ilang sandali akong hindi nakapagsalita. I just watched him stand up and go out.

I know Killian doesn’t draw. Those times when we were together, I didn’t even see him doodle something. He would only touch a sketchpad whenever I was showing him my design. Palaging laptop at business files ang kaharap n’ya. Or… firearms and knives.

Kaya rin alam ko na sa akin nagmana si Kaz na mahilig mag-doodle at mag-drawing ng kung ano-ano. Even his favorite toy was the magnetic sketch pad that I bought for him.

Did Killian start to draw when we weren’t together?

Bumalik din agad si Killian na may hawak na ngang sketch pad and pencil pouch at ibinigay iyon sa ’kin. Ibig sabihin, talagang meron na nga s’ya no’n at kinuha n’ya lang. I was even thinking that he would still buy it somewhere. Halatang bago pa kasi ang sketch pad at walang nakasulat na kahit ano.

“What do you use this for?” tanong ko nang makaupo na ulit s’ya. I was just really confused.

He shrugged.

“I always have spare of those… in my place… in my office… in my car.”

I frowned.

“What for?”

“In case something like this happens.” He looked at his laptop and continued what he was doing.

My frown deepened. There would be times when Killian wouldn’t elaborate on his explanation as he knew I would understand it anyway. Pero hind isa pagkakataong ’to.

“Something like this?” I asked.

He looked at me. When he saw that I still didn’t understand what he was trying to say, he sighed.

“I mean…” He scratched the side of his right brow. “You never ran out of ideas, Irina.”

Ilang sandali lang akong nakatitig kay Killian bago tumingin sa sketch pad na ibinigay n’ya sa ’kin. I opened the pouch and there was a set of pencils inside. That was when I noticed that they were the brands and tools I always used when sketching

These were for me… These were meant for me.

Killian had these for me. In all of his places. Para magamit ko kaagad kapag may pumasok na ideya sa isip ko. Maguguhit ko kaagad iyon kahit na kasama ko s’ya.

And even after three years had passed, he still had these.

He really noticed everything about me.

Emotions surged inside my chest. It was overwhelming and I didn’t know how to control them. Parang bigla ay gusto kong bumunghalit ng iyak. But I held it in. I even bit my lower lip which started to tremble.

“Is something wrong?” Killian asked. “Hindi na ba ’yan ang mga ginagamit mo?”

God… Why is he like this? How can he be like this?

I shook my head. Ilang beses akong lumunok dahil pakiramdam ko ay mangingini lang ang boses ko kapag nagsalita ako.

I smiled at him. Natigilan si Killian at napatitig sa ’kin na parang hindi inaasahan ang pagngiti ko.

“No… These are still my favorite art tools to use.”

I saw his eyes roam around my face. Parang may hinahanap na kung ano. Nagtagal ang tingin n’ya sa nakangiti kong mga labi bago ibinalik ang tingin sa mga mata ko.

Then his lips rose for a smirk.

“That’s good to hear…”

Chapter 50

I wasn’t able to sleep a wink the next day. I was thinking about Kaz who cried all night, wanting me to come home, tuck him in the bed, and put him to sleep. But I couldn’t do it, as I still wasn’t able to get out of this place. So, I just video-called him throughout the night, singing a lullaby to him until he finally fell asleep.

I shouldn’t be here. Nandoon dapat ako sa anak ko, inaalagaan s’ya. We now knew that I had nothing to do with what happened at my after-party. That I wasn’t the target. So, I think it is safe for me now.

But I still couldn’t go home. Killian wasn’t letting me. Buong umaga ko s’yang kinulit na hayaan na akong makauwi. But it was as if he couldn’t hear me. He wasn’t saying anything. Nakikita ko pa ngang naiinis s’ya dahil sa pangungulit ko. But I was getting annoyed too.

I needed to go home! I knew my family would take good care of Kaz pero gusto kong nasa tabi ako ng anak ko. I was restless. I couldn’t even help it. I wanted to be the one to take care of my son now that I finally had the time.

Killian went out after lunch and didn’t come back that day. Alam ko as I waited for him the whole night after I put Kaz to sleep. Pero hindi s’ya dumating. I felt like I got stood up.

So, when I saw him at the breakfast table the next morning, I was fuming mad. I didn’t even pay any attention to his topless body where I could finally see his added tattoos. His body was fully tattooed now.

Pero dahil sa sobrang inis ko sa paghihintay sa kanya kagabi, idagdag pa na halos wala akong itinulog, I lashed out at him.

“I want to go home today, Killian!”

He just glanced at me and resumed fixing the table. Inis akong naglakad palapit sa kanya. I made sure that he could see on my face how pissed I was. But it didn’t look my way even if I was only one step away from him.

I thought that if I crowded him, he would be intimidated. Or at least he would give some thought to what I wanted to do. But I was so wrong as the moment I was near him, I could smell the body wash and after-shave cologne that he used mixed with his cologne. It had a musky scent, a woodsy and earthy fragrance that was so male and hard to ignore. It reminded me of those times I was with him. Those times when I didn’t want to be away from him even for just a second.

It was not the right time to reminisce about those moments as he looked at me. Muntik pa akong mapapitlag nang magtama ang mga mata namin. As soon as I saw those deep green eyes darken as he stared at me, I knew that my plan had backfired.

What the hell am I thinking that I could intimidate him? How could I even forget that with just his gaze, he could already torment me? He still had that domineering presence that could make my knees tremble.

“What?” he asked, looking down at me. I felt so small even with my height. Kailangan ko pang tumingala dahil mas matangkad s’ya sa ’kin.

I tried to gather my thoughts. But it was hard with him being near me. This distance was not good for me. So, I tried to step back away from him pero hindi ko naman matagal ang bigat ng titig n’ya. I looked down instead but my gaze leveled on his chest.

I realized my mistake as soon I saw his chiseled chest and broad shoulders covered with tattoos. Mabilis kong iniiwas ang tingin ko doon dahil alam kong hindi ko mapipigilan ang sarili kong titigan ang mga tattoo n’ya. But before I looked away, I thought I saw wings, like angel’s wings but it was black. It wasn’t the full image, just the end of the wings. Nakalapat iyon sa balikat n’ya, pababa sa collarbone as if they were hugging him. The wings ended just before they could meet the previous tattoos on his chest that I had already seen before.

I bet the full design of the wings could be seen on his back.

This time, my gaze landed on his lips. I almost groaned out loud in frustration.

Holy shit anywhere with this man was so fucking dangerous! Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako titingin!

When I noticed the side of his lips rose slightly as if he was about to smirk, muli akong tumingin sa mga mata n’ya. I saw amusement in his eyes bago iyon mabilis na nawala. Even the smirk he was about to give me. His face was now void of emotion.

But I knew I saw it. I knew him. He liked me being this way. He liked me when I was being disobedient but he knew I couldn’t stay like him. He knew that in the end, he could wrap me around his fingers. Pero gusto n’ya pa rin kapag sinusuway ko s’ya, because he would have a reason to punish me.

Still, I looked him in the eye. Things were different now. Hindi na n’ya basta-bastang magagawa ang gusto n’yang gawin sa ’kin katulad noon.

“Let me go home,” I said firmly.

I took a deep breath before he put a hand on his hips. Ang isa ay tumukod sa lamesang nasa gilid n’ya. He then tilted his head and looked me straight in the eye.

“Why?”

I frowned.

“What do you mean why?”

“Give me one good reason why you want to go home.”

Huh…? Ano ba’ng problema ng lalaking ’to? Hindi ko s’ya maintindihan.

“Because it’s my house,” litong-lito kong sabi.

He scoffed and sneered at me. He was giving me that look as if telling me he gave me a chance but I didn’t use it wisely.

“That’s not a good reason, Irina.”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko sa pagkalito.

“What do you want me to say? That is my place and you know I bought it so of course that’s where I will be going home!”

“You’re safe here,” he reasoned out.

“I thought it was already clear that I had nothing to do with the gunshot at my event? And all my things are at my place!”

“Pwede naman nating ipakuha.” Natigilan pa ako sa biglang pagtatagalog n’ya. “Or better yet, I could just buy all the things you need.”

I glared at him. Lahat ng rason ko ay may reklamo s’ya!

“I left my door open,” I said which was a total lie as Daria, my maid, would definitely secure it. “I forgot to lock it before I went out.”

“That’s fine. I could send someone to lock it.”

Hindi makapaniwalang napatingin ako sa kanya.

“You’re missing the point!”

“Just stay here, Irina.”

“Are we really gonna do this again?”

Bigla kong naalala ang mga panahong hindi n’ya ako hinayaang makawala sa kanya. And all those things he did to make sure that I would still end up with him.

I gritted my teeth.

“I need to go home, Killian.”

Walang emosyon ang mga matang tumitig s’ya sa ’kin. Halos mapaatras ako sa kalamigang nakikita ko sa kanya. It was that look. That kind of look where I did something that he didn’t want and he was just waiting for me to admit my mistake. That look where he was just letting me do it so when I finally learned my lesson, he would give me a terrible punishment.

“Bakit parang nagmamadali ka yatang umuwi, Irina?”

My hair stood up to the coldness in his voice. He spoke using the language that I loved and I thought that I wanted him speaking with it pero binabawi ko na ’yon ngayon. It sounded threatening.

He crouched down a bit so our gaze would level. The smirk he gave me was so frightening.

“May naghihintay ba sa pag-uwi mo?”

“What…?”

“Is there someone waiting for you at home?”

Meron. Si Kazimir. Your son.

’Yung anak… natin.

I couldn’t tell him that it was Mom… or at least, my grandmother, or anyone in the family. Pero ngayong nakatitig s’ya sa ’kin, he was staring at me as if he could read my soul and he would definitely know it if I lied to him.

As if he was testing me to see if I would lie to him.

I didn’t want to lie. I couldn’t. But I also couldn’t open my mouth to tell him the truth.

With what happened at the after-party, mas dumoble ang pag-aalala ko para sa kaligtasan ng anak ko. I was so scared that he would get hurt the moment he got entangled in Killian’s world.

But Kazimir is Killian’s son. And I think, with that truth, Kazimir is already part of Killian’s world. And I couldn’t do anything about it.

Killian… will you protect him? Hahayaan mo bang mangyari sa kanya ang nangyari sa ’kin? Can you protect our son?

Nakita ko ang bahagyang pagsasalubong ng mga kilay n’ya. And that was when I only felt those tears formed in the corner of my eyes. His jaw clenched so hard. Parang marami s’yang gustong sabihin pero pinipigilan n’ya lang.

“What’s with the atmosphere?”

Napalingon ako nang marinig ang boses ni Serj. He was just standing few meters away from us. He still had his black trench coat on. Halatang kauuwi lang. His eyebrows creased while looking at me. Nakita kong lumipat ang tingin n’ya kay Killian na nasa likod ko. And I didn’t dare to look back kasi kahit hindi ako lumingon, alam kong nakatingin pa rin ssa ’kin si Killian. Hindi man lang pinansin ang pagdating ni Serj.

“Serj…” Humakbang ako palapit sa kanya. His gaze turned to me. “Can I go home today?”

Napatingin ulit s’ya sa likuran ko. I knew he was looking at Killian. He looked at me again and when I figured out that he wouldn’t let me, I took a step closer to him.

“Please, Serj… I need to go home… Today.”

Ilangg sandali tumitig lang sa ’kin si Serj. Ilang araw na akong nandito. He knew why I needed to go home. He could understand.

He heaved a deep breath. Mabigat ang naging buntong-hininga n’ya.

“Alright,” he said.

“Serj!”

Pareho kaming napatingin ni Serj kay Killian. The protest was so clear in his eyes. He was even glaring at his brother. And I think today was the first time that I saw him looking like this at Serj.

Come to think of it… He called his brother by his name. Not the usual “boss.”

“It is only when Irina’s involved that you’re not calling me ‘boss,’” Serj said. Napansin din ang napansin ko. “But she does need to go home. You know that.”

“I’m fucking running out of patience.”

Serj had the nerve to chuckle. Mukhang wala nga lang sa kanya ang nakikitang galit kay Killian.

“I’m surprised you know the word patience.”

Killian scoffed before he smirked at his brother.

“But who instructed me not to show myself in front of his girl because she might decide to leave, which he didn’t want?” He chuckled. “You’re not making any sense, boss.”

Nakita kong dumilim ang mukha ni Serj sa sinabing iyon ni Killian. His blue eyes also turned a shade darker and I noticed his jaw clenched. There was tension in the air and I was sensing danger.

I couldn’t believe that Killian could give Serj a look like that. He respected his brother so much and I even had the thought that he would do everything that his brother told him. Iyon din ang naiisip kong rason kaya hindi n’ya ako sinundan sa Pilipinas at hinayaan lang ako.

But… I don’t think that’s the case right now.

“Have you already forgotten what happened to Irina?” Nakakatakot ang kaseryosohan sa boses ni Serj. “The event three days ago surely frightened her. She needs to go home.”

Ilang sandali pang tumitig muna si Killian kay Serj bago lumingon sa ’kin. Anger was in his eyes mixed with… an emotion that I never thought I would see in him. He looked as if he was in pain.

And then he shut his eyes tightly. Marahas ang naging paghagod n’ya sa buhok.

“Fuck,” I heard him mutter before he took a deep breath. Nang muling tumingin sa akin ay wala na ang galit sa mga mata n’ya. “Pack your things. I’ll take you home later.”

Naglakad na s’ya paalis pagkatapos no’n. Wala man lang nilingon sa ’min ni Serj. Napatingin pa ako sa mga nakahanda sa mesa. There were two plates as if he was expecting that we would eat together. Pero nang makita kong may sinangag ding nakahain, mabigat akong napabuntong-hininga.

“Serj…”

I looked at him. He saw my expression and his gaze softened. He put a hand on top of my head, gently patting it.

“You really need to talk to him soon,” kahit ang boses n’ya ay magaan. “You know that, right?”

I nodded as I agreed with him. I wasn’t sure if Killian did know something… or if he had an idea. Still, I think it’d be better to tell him the truth. Especially now that our world was getting closer and closer again. Sooner or later, he would find out about Kazimir. Even if the rumors said that Kaz’s was my parents’ son. Killian would still know the truth especially since my parents neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. I could never hide our son from him.

“You should eat,” Serj said. He put his hands inside the pocket of his coat. “Killian will get mad at me if you skip breakfast.”

“What about you?” Nahalata ko kasing hindi n’ya ako sasabayan sa pagkain.

“I have to calm my brother. We both know he’s hard-headed.”

Napangiti ako dahil tama ang sinabi n’ya. Besides, based on what I heard earlier from Killian, I think they were just the same. Parehong gagawin ang lahat para masunod ang gusto.

“Can I talk to Natalia later? I really want to talk to her but she’s not leaving her room.”

Natigilan si Serj. Mukhang hindi inaasahan ang tanong ko.

“She’s…” He frowned. Mukhang hindi alam kung ano’ng sasabihin. “She needs time to think.”

“I know… But I think she also needs someone to talk to.”

Ilang sandaling napatitig sa ’kin si Serj bago tumango. Mukhang nag-aalangan pa nga kaya natawa ako.

“Don’t worry… I swear I won’t say anything that would make her decide to leave.”

He groaned. He even looked at me, deadpan. Nahalatang nakuha ko ang sinabi ni Killian kanina.

“Alright… I’ll leave her to you.”

I smiled at him. He made a soft chuckle before he patted my head and finally left.

As soon as I finished eating, I went to Natalia’s room. I couldn’t even wash the dishes that I used as Ioann did that for me. Hindi talaga pumayag na ako ang maghugas ng pinagkainan ko. I even offered that I would clean the table pero hindi rin pumayag. Ewan ko pero parang inaabangan n’ya talagang matapos ako sa pagkain. As soon as I was about to wash the dishes, bigla kasi s’yang sumulpot.

I invited Natalia to walk in the grass field that was just outside the safe house. We were both barefoot. She looked really troubled earlier but it was obvious that the walk helped her.

“Better?” I asked as we walked. Nakakakilita sap aa ang pakiramdam ng maliliit na damong natatapakan namin.

“Thanks.” She was finally smiling.

“If you want to talk or have someone to share with whatever you want to get out of your chest, I’m here, okay?”

Because I knew how hard the situation was for her. It would be harder if she didn’t have someone to talk to or to share her troubles with. Kung ako ngang alam ko ang situation ni Killian sa una pa lang ay sobra nang nahirapan, how much more when she didn’t know anything at all?

“You knew about it, right? About… who they are. Their work.”

I nodded.

“It was hard to believe at first but… I accepted it pretty easily though. I mean, I grew up here in Russia. I’ve heard stories about them. On the streets. I think that helped me accept the truth sooner.”

And what’s more, the first time I saw Killian, I knew that there was something about him. Something that was telling me to stay away. But I guess my attraction to him was greater than that thought as I couldn’t make myself to.

And in the end, I even fell in love with him.

I chuckled.

“Besides… they just seem so different.”

“They look dangerous,” she said and I almost laughed. I mean, I couldn’t deny that. It was Serj that she was talking about.

“And frightening.”

Nagkatawanan kami. I was glad to see her soften up. Tama akong kailangan n’ya nga ng makakausap ngayon.

“But you still feel safe with them,” I said.

Kahit ako ay napangiti sa sinabi ko. Natalia looked at me. Naabutan n’ya akong nakangiti.

I don’t know. I guess I was not making any sense. Those things probably wouldn’t have happened to me if I hadn’t met Killian. If I didn’t get entangled with him. Kung noong una pa lang ay hindi ako nagpatalo sa atraksyon ko sa kanya at tuluyan s’yang nilayuan, I wouldn’t get to experience those horrible things.

I wouldn’t get to spend time with him. I wouldn’t get to experience those happiest moments with him. I wouldn’t get to love him. I wouldn’t have Kazimir.

But then, I was done blaming Killian. He never wished for what happened. He tried to protect. He almost died protecting me. He did his best so I could still live.

After all, I wouldn’t trade the happiness and moments I spent with him for anything. Especially when it gave me Kazimir.

Besides, after what I experienced, I wouldn’t deny that I felt safe with Killian. He still made me feel secure. And I knew that he would do anything to protect me. To give me happiness. To let me live.

“Right, Natalia?”

When Natalia nodded, I felt… relieved. I shouldn’t have needed it but I felt… valid. Dahil hindi lang ako ang nakakaramdam ng ganoon. Na sa kabila ng panganib na nangyari, we still felt safe with them. The safest even.

I told Natalia what I knew about Serj. I had the feeling that Sej wasn’t the person to tell others his stories even if people would think wrong about him. And Natalia needed to know so she would understand him better.

“He could do that?”

I laughed at the expression on her face when I told her about the mafia princess. I could see that she didn’t like the idea of Serj marrying Yeliz too. Just like what I felt with the idea that Killian could marry her as well.

Ah… It wasn’t only Natalia that needed this talk. I needed this too.

“I hope you’ll soon be able to find the answer you’ve been looking for,” I said as I squeezed her hand.

No… I hope we both find the answer we’re looking for.

When I felt her squeeze my hand back, I felt grateful. It was as if she was encouraging me too but she didn’t even know that.

“Thank you, Irina.”

I smiled at her.

“You’re welcome.”

We walked hand in hand. We bathed in the warm breeze which gave us the calm we needed.

“So…” She had a smile on her lips. Iyong ngiting parang nang-aasar. “You and Killian?”

Agad akong napasimangot. I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes at her.

“Oh, please!” Binitiwan ko ang kamay n’ya at nauna sa paglalakad. Narinig ko pa ang magaan n’yang tawa.

How the hell did she even know that? Are we really that obvious? I mean, Killian and I weren’t together anymore, we hadn’t even talked, and yet Natalia could tell that something was between us?

She noticed something even when we just fought in front of her?

Nang makabalik kami ay mabilis ko nang inayos ang mga gamit ko para nakahanda na ang lahat pagdating ni Killian. I already told my mom that I would finally go home that day. Tuwang-tuwa raw si Kaz nang marinig iyon. Baka pa nga hintayin ang pagdating ko at hindi matulog.

Killian was quiet and he went back. Walang sinabi na binuhat n’ya lang ang duffel bag at inilagay iyon sa backseat ng kotse. Kahit nang magsimula s’yang magmaneho ay tahimik pa rin s’ya.

It was so awkward while I was sitting in the passenger seat. It was probably the most awkward drive I had in my entire life. Kinakabahan pa nga ako. Hindi ko kasi matantya kung galit si Killian o ano. Serj said that he would calm Killian down but this wasn’t the definition of calm.

I was looking outside the window the whole ride. Hindi ko talaga nilingon si Killian. And it was as if he was torturing me as he didn’t even play the stereo. Sobrang tahimik tuloy ng naging byahe namin and I could almost feel that it would probably cause my death, kung hindi pa kami makakarating sa place ko!

I was planning to just drive to my parents’ house after Killian dropped me off at my place. Baka hintayin nga ako ni Kaz. Isa pa, I wanted to be with my son today, kahit tulog pa s’ya, and saw his face first thing in the morning.

But I stilled when I saw my parents’ house a few meters away. Hindi k na napigilan ang lingunin si Killian nang ipinarada n’ya ang sasakyan sa harap ng gate namin. I was even expecting him to get out of the car, to just barge inside, and he would be able to see Kaz, but he remained sitting in the driver’s seat.

I noticed his hand tightly gripping the steering wheel. Naglabasan ang mga ugat sa braso n’ya dahil sa higpit ng pagkakahawak n’ya roon. He was even gritting his teeth, clenching his jaw. Parang nagpipigil lang ng galit pero iba naman ang emosyon na nagpapakita sa mga mata n’ya.

“Why…?”

Hindi ko na magawang ituloy ang tanong ko. I was about to ask him kung bakit dito n’ya ako inihatid. He knew I had my own place. Doon nga rin s’ya nagpunta noong kinuha n’ya ang tickets sa ’kin. But why did he bring mee here instead?

Pero natigilan ako nang lumingon s’ya sa ’kin. There was torment in his eyes. And he looked confused. Nagpalipat-lipat sa dalawang mga mata ko ang tingin n’ya. As if he was looking for the answer in my eyes.

“I honestly don’t know what to do,” he said. Nagulat ako sa emosyong narinig ko sa boses n’ya. “I want you to be honest with me. I want you to tell me everything yourself. But fuck, we both know I hate waiting.”

“Killian…”

“But I know I shouldn’t force you. Baka magkamali na naman ako. Tangina, ang hirap kasing mag-isip ng tama kapag tungkol sa ’yo. You do fucking know that you can drive me nuts, don’t you? Even more insane, though.”

Sa ibang pagkakataon lang, matatawa siguro ’ko. That was the first time I heard him curse in Tagalog! And I didn’t know why he sounded… sexy?

Goodness. I should focus on what he was saying.

Ah… Alright. I think I could relate to him. Mahirap ding mag-isip ng tama kapag tungkol na kay Killian. That was why I was having a hard time thinking of what I should do with him and Kazimir.

Killian took a deep breath. Ipinatong n’ya ang isang braso sa manibela at isinandal ang noo roon. Ilang sandali s’yang nanatili sa ganoong pwesto. I had the urge to hold him, to caress his arm to soothe him. But I stopped myself.

He exhaled harshly. Nag-angat s’ya ng tingin sa ’kin.

“You should go.”

Nagulat pa ako roon.

“What?”

But then he opened the door on his side. Pinanood ko s’yang umikot sa side ko at binuksan ang pinto roon. Inalalayan n’ya ako sa pagbaba bago kinuha ang duffel bag sa backseat.

“You should go inside,” he said. “Rest, Irina.”

Nag-aalangan ang tinging ibinigay ko sa kanya. He was saying something important earlier.

“Killian…”

“I will wait,” he said. “I’ll fucking wait until you’re ready.”

Ah… He knew.

I bit my lower lip as I felt it trembling. I knew how hard it was for him. Hindi s’ya marunong maghintay.

Ah, no. He knew how to wait. But he would make sure that things would end up the way he wanted in the end.

Pero ngayon, as I looked into his eyes, I saw how he really meant what he said.

Nakita kong umangat ang isang kamay n’ya, parang gustong hawakan ang mukha ko. But then he thought otherwise. Mabigat s’yang napaabuntong-hininga at ibinaba iyon. He handed me the bag instead.

“C’mon… Pumasok ka na. I won’t go until you’re inside.”

I took a deep breath. Tumango ako at kinuha ang bag sa kanya.

“Okay… Take care, Killian.”

When I was finally inside the house, doon ko lang narinig ang kotse n’yang as he drove away. Mabigat ang loob kong pumasok sa bahay.

But when I saw Kaz running towards me, napangiti ako. Lalo n’ya nang niyakap n’ya ang mga binti ko nang makalapit sa ’kin.

“Hindi talaga natulog hangga’t hindi ka dumarating,” sabi ni Mommy na naghihikab na.

Natawa ako.

“Go to sleep, Mom. I got this.”

Tumango si Mommy at umakyat na sa taas. Binalingan ko si Kazimir na nakaangat na ang mga kamay sa ’kin. I smiled widely as I picked him up and carried him in my arms. Paharap ko s’yang kinarga para nakikita ko ang mukha n’ya.

“You waited for Mommy?” Malawak ang ngiting sunod-sunod na tumango. Mukhang hindi man lang nakakaramdam ng antok. “You missed me?”

He nodded and proved it, his little hands cupped my face. He first kissed both of my cheeks. Dumiin ang pagkakahawak n’ya sa mga pisngi ko, making my lips protruded, before giving my lips a noisy peck.

I chuckled. Ibinaon ko ang mukha sa leeg n’ya. I nibbled his skin with my lips which made him giggle. Nakikiliti siguro. He even wriggled in my arms, gustong kumawala, pero hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak sa kanya.

“Mommy missed you too. So much!”

I looked at Kaz. There was a wide smile on his lips. Halatang tuwang-tuwa na makasama na ulit ako. His eyes were even twinkling while looking at me.

He started to look so much more like Killian.

“Kaz…”

He started playing with my hair. Inilalagay ang ibang hibla sa harap para mas malaro pa iyon. Mukhang nakuha ng buhok ko ang focus n’ya.

“Baby Kaz…”

He only glanced at me and went back to playing with my hair. Some strands got tangled with his fingers.

“Do you want to meet your daddy?”

Hindi man lang ako sinulyapan ni Kazimir. It didn’t even look like he heard me and continued playing with my hair.

But then, his lips moved. He opened them, the way when he wanted to say something. I almost cried when I saw him mouthed ‘Daddy.’

Mahigpit ko s’yang niyakap. We wiggled a bit dahil naipit ang mga kamay n’ya. Nang makawala ay ang buhok ko naman sa likod ang pinakawalan n’ya.

I gulped the pain in my chest as I held my son tightly in his arms, hoping that it would give me the strength I needed.

“Okay, baby…” I whispered. “Mommy got you.”

Chapter 51

I was in a dilemma. I had already made up my mind to introduce Killian to Kaz as his father. But I really don’t know how I should do that. Hindi ko alam kung paano sila… pagtatagpuin. I was worried that it might be too surprising for Kaz. I mean, alam kong bata pa naman s’ya but still… he already had slow development on his speech. Baka makaapekto ’yon sa kanya. And that everything might be too confusing for him.

Also, I don’t even know where I should let them meet! I wasn’t sure if I was just overthinking things too hard na kahit ’yung place ay pinoproblema ko pa. Even the time itself!

I already thought of my parents’ house. Kaz would be surrounded by the people he was comfortable with. He wouldn’t get anxious to meet someone that even though it was his father, Killian would be a new face for him. Pero nag-aalala naman akong baka hindi pansinin ni Kaz si Killian kapag nasa paligid sina Lola at ang mga magulang ko. I wanted him to be comfortable with his father. Gusto kong masanay s’ya sa presensya ni Killian. As I knew that the Killian would get every chance that he could to be with Kaz.

My place was a no-go too. Hindi ko alam kung makakaya kong tagalan ang presensya n’ya roon. Sa ilang beses n’yang pagbisita noon, there was always that… strange feeling whenever I saw him inside my place. As if I was sharing something private with him. It was… intimate.

“What if a private room in a family restaurant? Just the three of you.”

Napataas ang isang kilay ko sa sinabi ni Annika. I was video-calling her as she was still in Paris. She decided to help with their family business there which was a clothing brand. Halos sabay lang ang pag-alis naming sa Russia noon. Right after I asked her for a favor about my canceled fashion show before, lumipad na agad s’ya papuntang Paris para tumulong sa family business nila. She has been so busy since then, and we haven’t seen each other till now.

Although I was guilty. During the two years I was in the Philippines, I didn’t even contact her. I was so focused on my healing that I had honestly forgotten about her. Nang bumalik ako sa Russia at buksan ulit ang mga social media at email ko, I saw a bunch of messages she left, saying that she would wait for my reply no matter how long it would take.

Since then, we have been in contact again. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanya ang dahilan nang biglaan kong pag-alis ng Russia noon… But she knew about Kazimir.

“Really? Family restaurant?” I squinted my eyes as I looked at her through my laptop monitor. She giggled which made me roll my eyes.

“What? You guys are family.”

Napailing-iling na lang ako. Until now, hindi pa rin nagbabago si Annika. Madalas pa rin akong asarin kay Killian. Lalo na ngayong may anak kami.

“Forget it,” I said. “Kaz will surely get bored there. I need a place where Killian and I can talk but is also kid-friendly.”

I saw her frown. Mukhang pinag-iisipan din ang sinabi ko.

“How about the mall?”

Mabilis ang naging pag-iling ko.

“Too many people. We kinda need privacy to talk.”

“Killian’s place?” may ngisi pang tanong ni Annika.

“No!”

Medyo napalakas ang boses ko at napatingin sa ’kin si Kazimir na nakadapa sa rubber mats sa loob ng playroom n’ya. He was holding a crayon, using it in a coloring book. Pero imbes na kulayan n’ya ang mga nakaguhit doon, I saw him doodling things, filling the spaces on the page instead.

I smiled at him. Iyon lang at bumalik na s’ya sa ginagawa n’ya. When I looked back at my laptop’s screen again, I saw Annika rolling her eyes at me.

“If I were to be honest, I really think the best option here is your place, Irina. Kazi has toys there. He can play while you and Killian are talking.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said with a sigh.

“Why? Are you planning on taking Killian to your bedroom?”

“What? Of course not!”

Napalakas ulit ang boses ko. This time, Kaz looked at me with confusion in his eyes. Mukhang nagtataka kung sino ang sinisigawan ko. But I could also see that he was slightly annoyed dahil naiistorbo ko s’ya sa paglalaro.

“Then there’s no problem! Just talk in the living room. Kaz will be comfortable in your place too.”

Magsasalita pa sana ako, aangal sa sinabi n’ya. But I heard small knocks on the already opened door. Nang tumingin ako ay nakita ko si Dad, itinuturo ang loob. I nodded to let him know that it was okay for him to play with Kazimir. He gave me a small smile and sat in front of Kazimir, right on the rubber mat.

“Annika, I have to go. I’ll just call you again.”

Mukhang nagulat pa si Annika sa biglang pagpapaalam ko. I would make it up to her next time. I just had this hunch that it would be better if I talked to my dad right now.

“Oh, yeah, sure. But I hope it’ll be soon, though, and not like after two years,” she said. Alam ko namang nagbibiro lang s’ya. I could even see it in her eyes. Pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang ma-guilty.

“Oh, my gosh… I’m sorry…” Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ko na ’yong sinabi sa kanya.

I knew I had shortcomings as her friend. Kahit na nawalan kami ng communication at hindi man lang ako nag-reply sa mga messages n’ya noon, she still waited for me. She knew I was having a hard time and she gave me time. Kahit na hindi ako magsabi sa kanya, naintindihan n’ya agad ang sitwasyon ko.

We had a lot of differences, but I never regretted being her friend.

“I’m just kidding!” she was giggling. Pagkatapos ay ngumiti sa ’kin. “Tell me what happens, okay?”

I smiled and nodded at her

“Okay.”

I set aside my laptop after the call and sat comfortably on the beanbag chair as I watched my father play with Kaz. I could see that he was really fond of my son. And I couldn’t help getting emotional whenever I saw them like this, thinking that he accepted Kaz as his grandson even though there wasn’t any ounce of Morozov’s blood in him.

I should stop thinking like this. Our family is okay now. Pero kung minsan ay hindi ko talaga maiwasan ang ganoong pag-iisip.

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”

He glanced at me. Kaz gave him some crayons earlier, motioning for him to color the image on the page. Si Dad ang nagkukulay habang si Kaz ay nagdo-doodle ng kung ano-ano.

“Sure.” He looked so serious about what he was doing. Napangiti tuloy ako.

“Why did you give me your surname?” I asked. “Why did you adopt me?”

Natigilan si Dad. Mula sa pagkakayuko ay dumiretso s’ya ng upo. He looked at me. Ilang sandali n’ya akong tinitigan bago bumuntong-hininga.

“Where did that come from?” he asked.

Binitiwan n’ya ang crayon na hawak n’ya, probably because he knew that our talk would be serious. Pero kinuha ni Kaz ang crayon na binitiwan ni Dad pati na rin ang kamay n’ya. Kaz made him hold the crayon again.

“That has been my question ever since, and Mom has already told me about everything.”

Tumayo ako at lumapit sa kanila. As soon as I sat down on the rubber mat, Kaz gave me another crayon, wanting me to help Dad with coloring too.

I smiled and caressed my son’s hair. I was lucky that he was such a good kid. He doesn’t throw tantrums often. But when he does, madalas ay ang dahilan ay wala ako sa tabi n’ya at gusto n’ya akong kasama. Madali rin s’yang malibang. Just give him a pen or any writing materials, and he will be okay as he really loves to draw.

“Don’t get me wrong, Dad. I’m grateful for what you did. You gave me a family…” I looked at him. “I was just curious. You even told people that I’m your daughter. It must’ve been hard for you to raise a child that’s not even yours.”

“Because I love your mother. And I wanted to make her happy.” When he looked at me, I saw honesty in his eyes. “When I brought her to Russia, I assumed that giving her everything in the world would suffice to make her happy. But when she said she wanted to be with you, I knew that none of that mattered unless you were with her. So, I’ve decided to adopt you.”

“You took me in even if it’ll be hard for you. Because I’m not your real daughter.”

I wasn’t sure why I was being like this. I was finally looking in their perspective. Maybe because I was now a parent too. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon na nahirapan din naman sila sa sitwasyon namin. We all got hurt. Kaya gusto kong maayos na ang lahat ngayon.

“ Dochka , when I fell in love with your mom, I decided to accept everything about her… Especially you…“ I saw sadness in his eyes despite the smile on his lips. “But I don’t think I did a good job being your father.”

“It’s okay, Dad… I understand how hard it must’ve been for you too.”

“I admit it was. At first… I had no idea how to be a father. All of a sudden, you were there. I didn’t know how to take care of you. And you knew about the circumstances, and that made it harder for me.”

He looked at Kazimir. Nawala ang kalungkutang nakita ko sa mga mata n’ya kanina lang. He even smiled as if he remembered something.

“But you were too adorable. It wasn’t that hard to love you. You’re smart and talented. I became a proud father. Since then, I decided to do everything to protect you. But I couldn’t stop the rumors spreading around our family.”

He didn’t have to say what the rumors were. I knew about it. Narinig at nabasa ko ang mga yon. That I was just adopted and not a real Morozova.

May mga pagkakataon noon na naisip ko pang it wouldn’t be that bad if people knew about it. May mga pagkakataon ding sumama ang loob ko kay Mommy dahil ang akala ko ay ayaw n’ya lang madumihan ang pangalan n’ya. That she got a child out of marriage. Kahit kay Daddy ay nagtampo rin ako. I thought he just didn’t want to tarnish the perfect name of the Morozov family.

But Mom already explained everything to me. And I know it now… They wanted to protect me. Especially from the cruel words that people would throw at me, no matter how innocent I was.

“I wanted you to become successful. I wanted people to know that you also have my traits. That those rumors were wrong. You are my daughter. You are a real Morozova,” Dad continued. “I pressured you. Because I knew you could do it. You were so amazing that Yulia even looked up to you.”

“Dad…”

“But I had no idea that I had become so strict with you in the process. I had no idea you were going through such difficulties. In my attempt to protect you and keep you safe, I failed to recognize that I was the one causing you harm.”

He looked at me and what I saw in his eyes made my eyes water. I never knew that I would see my father like this. He looked… old and powerless. And it was such a surprise as I always saw him as someone who held a lot of power. That he was strong. That was why I kept on keeping up with his expectations.

“But we shouldn’t have minded those rumors, should we? Because people like to talk. They like to find fault in others to satisfy their miserable lives,” he said as he held my hand. I had to bite my lower lip to stop it from trembling. “We should’ve made you feel accepted. Other people are not important as long as you have people by your side who love you and who believe in you. But instead of that, we made you feel alone, aren’t we?”

I shook my head. Tumulo ang mga luha ko at tahimik akong umiyak. Pinipigilan kong makagawa ng tunog. It was a good thing that Kaz was still busy with his coloring book. Baka kung ano pa ang isipin n’ya kapag nakita n’ya akong umiiyak.

“It’s scary to be a parent,” sabi ni Dad habang hinaplos ang ibabaw ng ulo ko. “It’s scary to make a mistake. You’d thought you were doing it right as long as your child is protected and that everything is fine. But you’re actually holding them back. Like what your Mom and I did to you. We didn’t let you grow. We retrained you in the family thinking that we were protecting you. That was why you wanted out when you had enough.”

“It was a mistake, Dad…” my voice croaked. Napatingin tuloy sa ’kin si Kaz. “I got hurt. I was wrong. I hurt you both too.”

Nang binitiwan ni Kaz ang crayon na hawak n’ya at akmang babangon sa pagkakadapa, mabilis kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko. But it was too late as I knew he had already seen me crying. Kaya nga nang maglakad sa ’kin ay bahagyang nakakunot ang noo.

Oh, no… He might’ve thought I was hurting right now. Baka isipin n’ya pang sinasaktan ako ni Daddy.

Nang umupo s’ya sa kandungan ko ay nakatitig sa ’kin si Kaz. His little hands tried to wipe my tears. He was frowning when his hands got damp dahil hindi maayos na napunasan ang mukha ko kanina.

“Mommy’s okay,” I said. “Don’t worry, baby…”

“He really loves you,” sabi ni Daddy na bahagyang natawa. “I could already guess that he’ll be so protective of his mom when he grows up.”

I could see that too. Kaunting ‘aray’ ko lang kasi ay napapatingin na s’ya sa ’kin. Kaya nga ngayong nakita n’ya akong umiyak ay nilapitan na talaga ako.

“Those mistakes you were talking about gave you Kaz…” sabi ni Daddy “We made mistakes too, Irina. We all learned from what happened. So… can you forgive this old man?”

When I looked at Dad, there was a kind smile on his lips. He didn’t even have to ask for my forgiveness. Sa tingin ko kasi ay masyado ring nasaktan si Daddy. But the fact that he accepted me as his daughter was already enough. Sobra-sobra pa nga iyon.

“I’m sorry, Irina. I regretted what I said back then. So, please… I hope that it will never cross your mind again that you do not belong in this family. Because to me, you’re my daughter. You’re a real Morozova.”

Muling tumulo ang mga luha ko. Naalarma pa nga si Kaz, mukhang gustong pigilan ang pag-iyak ko. But Dad chuckled and pulled me into his chest para itago ang mukha ko kay Kaz.

“I’m so sorry too, Dad…”

I cried in my father’s chest. Inilabas ko ang lahat ng mga naipon kong sama ng loob noon. Kasabay ng pag-alis din sa isip ko na hindi n’ya ako totoong anak. I think isa rin ’yon sa naging mali ko. I kept on thinking I didn’t belong in the family. Na kagaya lang din ako ng ibang taong iniisip ang ganoon.

I didn’t know I would need this talk. Kailangang-kailangan ko pala ’to. I thought that I was already okay even without this. But hearing all of those words from my dad healed a deep wound in my chest.

Dahil alam na umiiyak ako, Kaz tried to hug me as well. Natawa ako at humiwalay na kay Daddy. I heard Kaz little sobs, mukhang papaiyak na rin, kaya inilayo ko s’ya sa ’kin at binigyan ng malawak na ngiti.

“Don’t cry… I told you, Mommy’s alright.”

Namumula na ang mga mata ni Kaz. Dahil maputi, kitang-kita rin ang pamumula ng mga pisngi n’ya. And because of his cuteness, I couldn’t help kissing his chubby cheeks. Pinanggigilan ko pa.

Goodness. Why is my son so cute? Kawawa naman tuloy kapag pinangigilan ko.

But Kaz seemed to like it as I heard his giggles. Kaya naman mas dinamihan ko pa ang halik na binibigay ko sa pisngi n’ya. I even kissed his neck kaya mas lumakas ang tawa n’ya dahil parang may kiliti ang anak ko roon.

Ah… So bango!

Mukhang nakumbinsi ko naman ang anak ko kaya humiwalay na s’ya sa ’kin at bumalik na sa ginagawa kanina.

“Oh, I have another question, Dad.”

Nang tingnan ko si Dad ay naabutan ko pa ang ngiti n’ya. Mukhang pinapanood kami ni Kazimir kanina.

“What?”

“I’m planning to introduce Killian to Kazimir… Do you think it’ll be okay?”

As soon as he heard Killian’s name, Dad’s face darkened. Nagulat pa nga ako. Ngayon ko lang nakitang ganito s’ya kagalit. Ah, no… Whenever it was about Killian, Dad always seemed so… angry.

Mali yatang tinanong ko pa s’ya.

But… he is my father. I wanted to know what he thought as a father.

“I hate the guy,” he said. Hindi man lang talaga itinago iyon. “I still couldn’t forgive him for what happened to you. You didn’t tell us what happened but I know it was related to him. I saw how badly your condition was back then, dochka . So, I might not be able to forgive him at all.”

Napangiwi ako. Alam ko naman na kahit hindi ko sinabi sa kanila ni Mommy kung ano ang totoong naangyari, they would still have an idea. After all, Dad warned me about Killian. Plus, the fact that I wasn’t talking about Kaz’s father. Ipinagpasalamat ko na lang na hindi nila ako pinilit na magsalita noon.

“So… you think I shouldn’t do it?” I asked.

Kinabahan pa ako nang tingnan lang ako ni Dad at hindi sagutin ang tanong ko. I don’t know what to do if he’d ever told me na huwag kong gawin ’yon. Na huwag kong ipakilala si Killian kay Kaz. That we were already doing fine and that there wouldn’t be a need to do it.

But… I really think that Kaz should meet his father. Ayokong maggaya s’ya sa ’kin. I mean, I was fine without knowing who my real dad was. After all, I am a Morozova. I have my mom and my dad.

Pero magkaiba naman kasi ng anak ko. Hindi ko kaya kapag dumating ang panahong magagalit s’ya sa ’kin dahil hindi ko ipinakilala si Killian sa kanya.

Plus, I think Killian deserves to know about our son.

“I wanted to say no,” he said. “You got hurt because of him. I knew that man wasn’t good for you. I even warned you about him.”

Alanganin akong napangiti.

“Dad… I don’t blame Killian for what happened. He wasn’t at fault.”

“I know, but…” Alam kong may idudugtong pa s’ya pero bumuntong-hininga na lang. “But whenever I look at Kazimir, I remember you as a child. You looked lost and innocent. You constantly sought our love. I know you’ll give him lots of love but…”

Tumango ako kahit hindi na n’ya itinuloy ang sasabihin n’ya. I could give Kaz everything pero may mga bagay pa rin akong hindi kayang ibigay sa kanya. Hindi ko gustong ipagkait sa kanya ang mga kailangan n’ya.

“Besides… I think it will be a horrible punishment for a father to not meet his son who is as cute as Kazimir.”

I smiled.

“Killian seems to know about Kaz… He’s just waiting for me to tell it to him.”

Dad nodded. He took a deep breath.

“It’s up to you, dochka … If you think it’ll be good for him, then do it. But don’t forget that your mom and I are just here for you.”

Mas lumawak ang ngiti ko.

“Thank you, Dad.”

It was fine now… I already decided that I would let Kaz and Killian meet. Mas lumakas na ang loob ko pagkatapos kong makausap si Daddy.

And I finally decided on where they should meet. My place.

I was busy preparing thing sa pagkikita nina Kaz at Killian when I suddenly got a call from Natalia. Nagpapasama sa aking lumabas at mamasyal. Of course, I accepted dahil naisip kong gusto n’ya rin ng ibang kasama sa pamamasyal dito sa Russia. I mean, there were some girl things na baka hindi n’ya magawa dail palaging si Serj ang kasama n’ya.

So, I was so freaking surprised when we got into a coffee shop and a man was waiting for her. I knew right then and there that we were both doomed. Especially me. I could already see my last day on earth waving at me.

“Natalia… does Serj know about this?” natatakot kong tanong nang sabihin n’yang maupo ako sa isang bakanteng mesa dahil kakausapin n’ya ang lalaking ’yon.

“It’s okay, Irina… This will just be quick.”

Nang akma s’yang lalakad ay pinigilan ko ang braso n’ya.

“I don’t think this a good idea.”

“It’s okay…” magaan ang boses n’ya. Nakikita yata ang takot ko. “There are just things I needed to talk with him.”

Goodness… Hindi ba s’ya natatakot kay Serj?

Alanganin ko s’yang binitiwan.

“I’ll just be right over there.”

“Thank you, Irina.”

I smiled at her kahit kinakabahan na ako.

“No worries.”

Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang maupo sa bakanteng mesa. May lumapit sa ’king waiter at nagturo na lang ako ng kahit ano sa menu dahil alam ko namang hindi ko makakain. I was so freaking terrified here!!

Oh, my fucking gosh… What should I do? I don’t want to call Serj! I mean sinabi naman sa ’kin ni Natalia na alam ni Serj ang paglabas n’yang ’to, pati ang pagsama ko sa kanya, but I really don’t think that he knew Natalia was meeting another man.

Please, I don’t wanna be killed. May Kazimir pa ako! Ayoko s’yang iwan nang maaga!

Pinanood ko na lang mag-usap ang dalawa. Lingon ako nang lingon sa pinto, natatakot na baka biglang dumating si Serj.

Shit… Ano’ng gagawin ko kapag nangyari ’yon? I didn’t want to repay his kindness like this!

And then, I noticed that Natalia and that man were arguing. Kitang-kita ko ang galit sa mukha ni Natalia. And that man looked frustrated.

Should I interfere? Baka mas lumala ang away nila. Mas magalit pa sa ’kin si Serj.

But then, I saw Serj suddenly standing beside their table, looking furious and ready to kill someone.

“You go the hell back with your own fucking ass, Yakov.”

Oh, fuck… I’m dead.

Nawala yata ako ng lakas kahit na nakaupo lang ako roon. I was just looking at the three of them. Nakakuha na rin sila ng atensyon sa ibang mga tao sa coffee shop. Probably because everyone could see the murder in Serj’s face.

Ah… I don’t think I could get out of this restaurant alive…

Ilang saglit pang nagtalo iyong lalaki at si Serj bago ko nakitang hinila ni Serj palabas ng coffee shop si Natalia. I should go out too pero hindi na yata bumalik ang lakas ko.

I was looking outside when I just noticed Killian walking towards me. Hindi ko alam na kasama pala s’ya ni Serj.

But I didn’t like the emotion I saw on his face. It looked as if he was mad. Nainis naman ako at halos irapan s’ya nang makalapit sa ’kin.

“You really like getting in trouble, huh?” sabi n’ya pa at inirapan ko na talaga.

“I didn’t know that Natalia was meeting another man here!”

Dahil nakatayo si Killian at nakaupo pa rin ako ay kinailangan ko pang tumingala sa kanya. Mas nakakatakot tuloy ang pakiramdam ng tingin n’ya sa ’kin

But then, he took a deep breath.

“Let’s go.”

Ayoko sanang sumama kay Killian. But I think I wouldn’t get out of there alive kung hindi ako sasama sa kanya. Wala na sina Serj pero natatakot pa rin ako sa kung ano’ng gagawin n’ya sa ’kin dahil parang sinuportahan ko pa si Natalia na makipagkita sa kung sino mang lalaking ’yon.

Sumakay ako sa kotse ni Killian. Ang sabi n’ya ay s’ya na ang bahala sa sasakyan ko dahil iyon ang ginamit namin ni Natalia kanina. Isa pa, hindi ko na kayang mag-drive. I felt as if all my life had been sucked out of my body. Hindi ko pa matagalan ang pagiging tahimik ni Killian na para bang sinisisi pa ako.

“Am I in trouble?” I asked. Nilingon ko s’ya habang nakasandal pa rin ang ulo ko sa headrest. Pagod na pagod ang pakiramdam ko.

Killian glanced at me. May ilang sandali s’yang hindi nagsalita bago bumuntong-hininga.

“Ako’ng bahala.”

“I swear I didn’t know that Natalia was meeting another man. Who was that anyway?”

“Serj’s half-brother.”

Napakurap ako. Hindi kaagad nakapagsalita dahil sa gulat.

“Oh…”

“And Natalia’s ex-boyfriend.”

“Oh, no….”

Fuck… I am in big trouble! Ayokong magalit sa ’kin si Serj.

“Don’t worry about it. You didn’t know.”

But… I still don’t think that Serj would let me get away with it. Baka isipin paa n’ya ganoon ang isinukli sa mga itinulong n’ya sa akin noon.

I don’t want him to get mad at me. I really see him as my elder brother who always takes care of me in Killian’s stead.

But then… Killian said not to worry. Hindi n’ya naman siguro ako pababayaan, ’di ba?

“Alright…”

Pinanood ko s’yang mag-drive. I was planning on contacting him soon. Para nga sabihan s’ya sa pagkikita nila ni Kaz. But since I was already here, maybe this was now the right time too.

“Are you free this—”

“Yes.”

“—weekend?”

I blinked. Masyadong mabilis ang pagkakasagot n’ya. Hindi pa nga ako tapos sa tanong ko ay sumagot na agad s’ya.

“What’s on the weekend?” he asked when I was quiet for a while.

“Oh, uhm…” Bigla akong kinabahan. “I want to invite you for lunch at my place. You still know where it is, right?”

Stupid! Of course, he knew! Doon n’ya nga kinuha ’yung tickets noon!

“Yeah… I’ll be there.”

“Also…” Napalunok ako. “Bring chocolate cream puffs. Kaz likes it.”

Bigla ang naging paglingon sa ’kin ni Killian. Titig na titig s’ya sa ’kin. There were so many emotions on his face. May palagay pa akong kung hindi s’ya nagda-drive ay mas mapapatagal ang pagtitig n’ya sa ’kin.

He looked at the road again. Dahil hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa kanya ay kitang-kita ko ang paglunok n’ya. He blinked several times before I saw a ghost smile on his lips.

“Okay… Thank you.”

Napangiti na rin ako at umayos ng upo. I looked outside the window with a wide smile on my lips.

Chapter 52

Killian will visit today. I already got a text from him earlier telling me that he was already on his way. And I think I’ve never been so nervous in my entire life. Mas kabado pa yata ako ngayon kaysa noong unang fashion show ko.

I told Daria to clean the house thoroughly. I even told her to change the curtains and wash the carpet. Even the spare plates and utensils, I made her wash all of them even if there was no way we could use that many with just one day that Killian would visit my place.

The poor maid looked exhausted these days even though I was helping her. Masyado kasi akong naging strict sa paglilinis n’ya. I suddenly became a clean freak that she actually asked me kung sino raw ba’ng importanteng tao ang bibisita: kung artista raw ba o ang Presidente.

Wrong, Daria… He was a much more important person than them. Ang ama lang naman ni Kaz ang bibisita ngayon.

“Let me take a look at my baby.”

Inilayo ko nang bahagya sa ’kin si Kaz matapos ko s’yang bihisan. I made him wear a brown velvet hoodie over a plain white shirt which was just the right clothing for him as the winter season is coming. The upper half of the hoodie was white while the lower half was brown which matched the pants. I brushed his black hair upwards with my fingers. Ang mga hibla ay bumagsak nang mabitiwan ng kamay ko dahil sa lambot.

“Baby Kaz’s so cute…”

Kaz was quiet as he was busy eating his sliced apples. No, not actually eating but more like sipping the juice first. I had to fold the sleeves of the hoodie twice para hindi mamantsahan dahil makalat pa s’yang kumain.

Kumuha ako ng wet wipes at pinunasan ang nakita kong tumulong katas ng apple pababa sa braso n’ya. I wiped his mouth as well and folded the wipes.

“Baby… remember what I told you?” I said. “We have a guest today and I already told you who he is, right?”

Nakatingin lang sa ’kin si Kaz habang nagsasalita ako. I knew he was listening; I just wasn’t sure if he could understand what I was saying. Today was an important day for both of us… For the three of us. I also told him already that his dad would be visiting today as he wanted to meet him.

Kaz was busy munching the sliced apple. The way he chewed was so cute. It was obvious as he had chubby cheeks. And also, his chin was making small movements with his jaw with every chew.

Natawa na lang ako habang nakatingin sa kanya. He looked like a ball of cuteness. Everyone who looks at him will surely fall in love with him.

Ah, right… What the hell am I nervous about? Am I worried that Killian won’t accept him? He knew about Kaz and he wanted to meet him. That alone was enough for me to know that Killian wouldn’t deny him.

“There’s no way your dad won’t love you…”

Isa pa, I don’t really care if Killian will like him or not. I just wanted them to know. I just wanted Kaz to meet his father. Ibibigay ko lang sa anak ko ang kailangan n’ya.

And I was not even worried that Killian would take Kaz away from me. If he had a plan like that, exactly the day he found out we had a son, gagawin na n’ya iyon. But he chose to wait instead. He even told me that he would wait until I was ready.

I smiled bitterly. I was feeling so emotional today. Kanina ko pa pinipigil ang pag-iyak ko. I needed my composure today.

The doorbell rang. Maingay kong nahigit ang paghinga ko. Si Kaz ay napatigil pa sa pagnguya, mukhang nagtataka kung ano’ng nangyari sa ’kin before he resumed chewing his food again.

I knew who it was. Kahit hindi ko na tingnan ay kilala ko na kung sino ang dumating. He was just right on time. So, I just let my maid open the door.

Mabuti na lang at tapos na ring kumain si Kaz. Nililinis ko ang mukha at ang mga kamay n’ya nang kumatok si Daria sa pinto.

“Madame, you have a guest.” The blush on her face told me that I was right. “He said you’re expecting him. I invited him in but he wanted to meet you at the door.”

I could see questions in her eyes. Mukhang gustong kumpirmahin kung tama ba ang iniisip n’yang si Killian nga ang importanteng bisita naming ngayon that she had to clean the house thoroughly.

I just smiled at her. Tinapos ko na ang pagpupunas kay Kazimir at tumayo na.

“Let’s go, baby…”

Nang makababa ay pinaupo ko muna saglit si Kaz sa living room para puntahan na si Killian sa may pintuan. Nakabukas na ang pinto so I immediately saw him and right then, I regretted why I didn’t dress up. Because this was my house and I was the host, I thought that a simple black turtleneck sweatshirt and pants were fine. Pero nang makita ko si Killian, I realized that I made a mistake with my choices of clothes today.

To think that I was a fashion designer!

Killian looked too good. Naalala ko tuloy iyong panahong naging modelo s’ya namin noon. He really lookd like a professional model. Kahit na ngayong nakatayo lang s’ya sa pintuan, it was as if he was having a photoshoot.

He was wearing a black trench coat that reached his knees. Nakabukas iyon kaya kita kong nakasuot s’ya ng black long-sleeve turtle and black pants. His dark green scarf was loosely wrapped around his neck and it reminded me of his eyes whenever he was thinking of something… grim.

Noong una ay nakatungo s’ya, looking at his black ankle boots. But he looked up when he probably felt my presence, he looked up. Natigilan ako sa paglapit nang magsalubong ang mga tingin namin.

I felt my heart skip a beat. Gusto kong suwayin ang puso ko, as the feeling was so familiar and the beating started to sound dangerous. But I couldn’t look away from his eyes.

Oh, no… this doesn’t sound good.

“Hey…” bati sa ’kin ni Killian na umayos na ng tingin. He stared at me for a moment, mukhang tinatantya ang reaksyon ko. He then looked down at his outfit before looking back at me. “Too much?”

I just noticed that he was wearing a bouquet in one hand while the other was holding a box of chocolate cream puffs. He looked so… awkward with them. Mukhang hindi n’ya pa nga alam kung paanong hawak ang gagawin doon. I mean… it doesn’t suit him. It’ll be more reasonable for anyone if they see him holding a gun or a dagger instead of those. Because those beautiful flowers and cute and sweet cream puffs didn’t even lessen the threatening aura he had.

Napangiti ako at itinuloy na ang paglapit sa kanya.

“No, you look good… Come in.”

He took a step but stopped. Napatingin s’ya sa bouquet na hawak before he looked at me.

“For you,” he said as he handed me the flowers, looking confused. Natawa na talaga ako.

“Thank you…”

Nang makapasok na s’ya ay isinara ko na ang pinto. Daria was there and I gave the flowers to her so she could put them in the vase. I waited for Killian, who hung his coat and scarf on the coat hanger. Pareho pala kaming nakasuot ng black long-sleeved turtleneck.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. Kinakabahan ako. I was worried as I wasn’t sure how this would affect Kaz but I really wanted to give this to my son. I just hope that everything will turn out well today.

Nauna akong maglakad papunta sa living room kung saan nakita kong naghihintay pa rin si Kaz mukhang nalibang sa paglalaro ng sleeves ng hoodie n’ya. Itinatago ang kamay doon. He looked up at me and was about to approach me pero natigilan nang makitang may kasunod ako.

Bahagya kong nilingon si Killian na natigilan at napatitig kay Kaz. I didn’t know what he was thinking but I was sure that he was surprised. I looked back at my son, who was looking at Killian curiously but then his eyes went down to the box of cream puffs he was holding, obviously recognizing his favorite sweet store on the cover. He was about to approach Killian as if he was lured in by the sweet pastry. Pero nang maalalang hindi n’ya kilala ang may hawak noon ay muling napasulyap kay Killian. Then his gaze settled on the cream puffs with longing in his eyes.

Napangiti ako. His reaction was so innocent. Halatang gusto na n’yang kunin kay Killian ang favorite sweets n’ya. But Killian remained staring at my son. I didn’t even think he was actually breathing kaya tinawag ko na lang si Kazimir.

“Baby, come here.”

Inilahad ko ang kamay para kay Kaz na mabagal na naglakad papunta sa ’kin. He held my hand pero hindi na talaga naalis ang tingin n’ya sa dala ni Killian.

“Kaz…” I called him and he finally looked up at me. I crouched down a bit para hindi s’ya mangalay sa pagtingala. “I told you that your dad wanted to meet you, right? And that you will be meeting him today.”

He nodded at me. Mukhang nagtataka kung bakit biglang nabanggit ko iyon.

I glanced at Killian who was still staring at Kaz. There was an emotion in his eyes that I couldn’t even name. And when he looked at me, that emotion was still there pero mukhang mas lumalala.

I frowned. I didn’t recognize it at first as that kind of emotion didn’t suit him but…

Was it fear I saw in his eyes?

I looked at my son again. Mukhang naghihintay sa susunod kong sasabihin. I took a deep breath and braced myself.

“Kaz… This is Killian, your father.” I smiled but I could feel my eyes tearing up. “He’s your daddy.”

My voice cracked at the last word. There was a lump in my throat so I gulped it down. Nang makita kong nagdagdagan ang kuryosidad ni Kazimir nang tumingin kay Killian, halos tumulo na ang luha sa mga mata ko. It was as if I could hear what he was going to say.

‘Is this my daddy?’ Alam kong iyon ang magiging tanong n’ya.

And it hurts. I didn’t know it would hurt this much. Habang nakatingin kasi ako kay Kazimir, para bang nagtataka s’ya kung sino ang lalaking nasa harap n’ya sa buhay n’ya. As if he was wondering what the words “daddy” and “father” mean. He was wondering what it meant to have a dad.

He only knew about the word sa picture books at children shows na nakikita n’ya. At kapag tinatawag ko si Dad. I could always see curiosity in his eyes kapag laging tatlong myembro ng pamilya ang nakikita n’ya. A mom, a dad, and a baby. Habang kami ay dalawa lang.

There was a time when I saw him imitating a stick family drawing on his magnetic sketch pad. He drew three people kagaya sa pinaggayahan n’ya. But then he erased the dad in the end.

I felt so sorry for my son. I didn’t want to confuse him. Kaya nga gusto ko ring gawin ’to para sa kanya.

Napatingin ako kay Killian nang mapuna ang pananahimik n’ya. This time, he looked as if he wanted to run as far as he could. Ang takot na nakita ko sa mga mata n’ya ay mas lalo lang dumoble ngayon.

“Killian…?”

He looked at me. He looked so… helpless. Hindi ko akalaing makikita s’yang ganito. The last time I saw him looking so helpless was when he was in a coma. But now that he was conscious and aware, I just couldn’t believe seeing him like this.

He looked at me as if he was asking for help. Para bang hindi n’ya alam ang gagawin at ako lang ang makapagbibigay noon sa kanya.

What…? I thought he knew about Kazimir? Bakit parang hindi n’ya alam kung umakto s’ya ngayon?

Or maybe… this was overwhelming for him. Kahit na alam n’ya ang tungkol kay Kaz, meeting him in person was maybe a bit too much…? Kaya ganito ang naging reaction n’ya…?

“Killian.” I called him again. This time, he looked at me as he blinked.

“Huh…?”

“Are you alright?”

Napakurap ulit s’ya. He looked at Kazimir again.

“He’s Kazimir,” I said. “Your son.”

There was anguish in his eyes that I couldn’t understand. He looked as if he was hurting so much that it hurt me too. Lalo nan ang makita ko ang pamumula ng mga mata n’ya.

And then Kaz’s arms went up. Mukha pang nagulat si Killian sa pagkilos na iyon ni Kaz. Para pa ngang gustong lumayo.

I stared at my son. He looked as if he wanted Killian to carry him. Which was a surprise, dahil namimili si Kaz ng taong sinasamahan at nilalapitan.

Ganoon ba s’yang kasabik sa ama? I didn’t know… I should’ve done this earlier.

“Don’t you want to hold him?” I asked Killian. Mukha kasing hindi n’ya alam ang gagawin.

“No!” mariing tanggi ni Killian. Umiling-iling pa.

I frowned. I was offended by my son. Napahawak tuloy ako kay Kaz at ibinaba ang mga kamay n’ya. Parang ayaw ni Killian na hawakan o lumapit man lang sa anak n’ya.

Itinatanggi n’ya bang anak n’ya si Kazimir? One look and everyone could tell that they’re father and son! Magkamukhang-magkamukha sila! Lalo na sa mata dahil mas nagiging dominant ang kulay green sa mga mata ni Kaz instead of gray!

“I can’t hold him, Irina…”

Natigilan ako. Killian was looking at me as he said that. There was so much fear in his eyes. Rinig ko rin ang panginginig ng boses n’ya.

I don’t understand…

Kumawala si Kaz sa pagkakahawak ko at lumapit na talaga kay Killian. Hindi ko alam kung nabigla ba si Killian kaya hindi nakaiwas o hindi lang talaga s’ya makagalaw. Then, I saw Kaz reach for the box of cream puffs that Killian was still holding. Saka ko lang naintindihan na hindi nagpapabuhat si Kaz. He just wanted the cream puffs.

Killian suddenly let go of the box. Kung hindi ’yon hawak ni Kazimir, siguradong nalaglag na iyon sa sahig. He even took a step backward wanting to get away from Kaz.

I took a deep breath. I was getting angry. I thought he wanted to meet Kazimir. Nagreklamo pa nga s’ya kay Serj na nauubusan na s’ya ng pasensya. But he was acting like this.

“Daria…” I called for my maid. Agad naman s’yang lumapit. “Please, take care of Kaz first.”

Nang mailayo na ng maid si Kaz, tiningnan ko si Killian. He was looking at his hand. The one that was holding the box of cream puffs earlier. He looked as if there was something terrifying there. Mas hindi ko mapaniwalaan nang makita ang bahagya pang panginginig ng kamay n’ya.

“Why are you being like this?” I asked. “You said you wanted to meet your son but you’re acting as if you wanted to run away. You didn’t even want to hold him.”

There was an agonizing look in his eyes when he looked at me. Natigilan ako at napatitig na lang sa kanya. If it wasn’t for those deep green eyes and the fast beating of my heart, aakalain kongi bang tao ang kaharap ko.

“I can’t hold him,” ulit n’ya. “I don’t want to.”

“Why?” frustrated ko nang tanong.

“My hands are dirty, Irina…”

Napatingin ako sa mga kamay n’ya. Hinanap ang duming sinasabi n’ya. They looked clean. His nails looked clean and healthy. Pero baka hindi ko lang nakikita.

“You can wash them,” I said. “I have handwash or soap—”

“You know I killed so many people with these hands… There’s so much blood in my hands.”

I stilled. His voice was quivering. Namumula ang mga mata n’ya. I saw pain and regret in his eyes as he looked at me. Hindi ako makapagsalita sa dami ng nakikita kong emosyon sa kanya.

I couldn’t even see the strong Killian right now. Para talagang ibang tao ang kaharap ko ngayon. He looked so lost and had no idea what to do. My heart hurts so much looking at him.

“And have you already forgotten? These very hands hurt you, Irina.”

“Oh, no, Killian—”

“I don’t want to stain him… Kazimir—” He cleared his throat. “I’m afraid I would stain him if I touched him with these hands.”

“Killian—”

“He looks innocent. So fragile… Natatakot akong masaktan ko s’ya,” nanginginig ang boses n’ya. “Natatakot akong masaktan ko rin s’ya.”

I cupped his face. His eyes were unfocused. He looked so lost in his thoughts and in his nightmares. As if he was just saying those words out loud. Dahil iyon ang nasa isip n’ya. Iyon ang naiisip n’ya. Para ba’ng hindi n’ya ako kausap ngayon.

“Killian,” mariing tawag ko sa kanya. “Killian, please… I’m here.”

“This is wrong… I’m making a mistake again,” he was mumbling. “I shouldn’t have been here. Hindi dapat kita nilapitan ulit.”

“Killian… Killian!”

He finally looked at me. My eyes teared up at how much pain I saw in his eyes.

“It’s okay… I’m here…”

“Irina…” narinig ko ulit ang pagkabasag ng boses n’ya.

“Shh… I’m alright…”

His face crumpled in pain. May tumulong luha sa mga mata ko dahil hindi ko nakayanan ang makita s’yang ganito. I just couldn’t believe I would see him like this. It seemed like seeing Kazimir shook him up so badly.

“I’m making a mistake again… Masasaktan na naman kita…”

I shook my head firmly.

“I don’t blame you for what happened before, okay? It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was,” giit n’ya. “Kung hindi mo siguro ako nakilala, baka hindi nangyari sa ’yo—”

“Killian,” I stopped him. “I’m okay now. See?” Iginalaw-galaw ko pa ang kanang kamay ko. “I can draw. I can design again with no problems. You were even there at my fashion show.”

Pero mas lalo lang lumala ang sakit na nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya. He was looking at my right hand now. Nanginginig ang kamay na hinawakan n’ya ’yon at nakita kong nakatitig s’ya sa peklat nang operahan ang kamay ko. The regret intensified in his eyes and I was surprised when tears fell in his eyes.

“I’m so fucking sorry…”

Dinala n’ya ang kamay ko sa mga labi n’ya. He then kissed my scar, trailing the length with his lips, giving light and feathery kisses. Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng mga labi n’ya habang ginagawa iyon at patuloy pa rin sa pagtulo ang mga luha n’ya.

I couldn’t help the sob that escaped from my lips. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko kamay ang kaliwang kamay ko. It hurt seeing him like this. It seemed he was keeping his guilt up until now at bumuhos lahat ng iyon ngayon.

“I’m so fucking sorry, love…”

Hindi ko na nakayanan. I cried hard as I pulled him into a tight hug. Agad n’yang ibinaon ang mukha sa leeg ko at mahigpit akong niyakap. Mahigpit na mahigpit na para bang ayaw akong pakawalan kahit iba ang sinabi n’ya kanina. I felt his body trembling as I felt the fabric on my neck being damped with his tears. I bit my lower lip to stop my sobs as I caressed his back.

He needed this. I knew it. I knew he was guilty up until now. For more than three years, he carried that guilt. Hindi ko alam ’yon as I didn’t even see signs when we met again. Kapag siguro may nagsabi sa ’kin na hanggang ngayon ay nagi-guilty s’ya, hindi ko iyon paniniwalaan.

But now I see him like this. I saw it with my own eyes. I felt it with every tear he shed. I felt it with the tremble of his body. I felt it with every word he said.

Hindi na n’ya nakayanang itago iyon nang makita si Kaz kanina. Because he was afraid that he could hurt his son too. And now he was regretting that we had ever met.

And I didn’t want that. Ayokong pagsisihan n’yang nagkakilala kami. I love him with all my heart. Hindi ko pinagsisihan ’yon.I was happy with him. And he even gave me a gift that was so priceless and there was nothing in this world that could exchange that.

“I want you to meet Kaz, too…” I said, still caressing his back. Pinapakalma s’ya. “I know you won’t hurt him, Killian… I trust you.”

“Irina…”

Humiwalay s’ya sa ’kin at nakita ko ang pagtutol sa mga mata n’ya. Mukhang ayaw na talagang lumapit kay Kaz. But I knew he was just afraid and worried. At ayokong dahil sa mga iyon ay hindi n’ya lalapitan si Kaz.

“Kaz needs you,” I said. Pinunasan ko ang luha sa mga pisngi n’ya. “Our son needs you. I want you to be there for him.”

Mukhang tututol pa sana s’ya. But we both heard Daria calling Kaz’s name and then hurried with small footsteps as if someone was running toward us. We even heard Kaz’s little giggles. Tuwang-tuwang pinapahabol sa kanya si Daria.

“Let’s talk more later, okay?” I said and smiled at him. “But right now, go and greet our son.”

Sakto namang nakita naming tumatakbo n’ya palapit si Kaz sa amin. He had his hand up and I saw that he was holding a cream puff. Nang makalapit sa ’min ay nakita ko pa ang smudge ng chocolate sa paligid ng bibig n’ya.

“Who’s a messy eater?” I asked in a singsong voice.

Kaz giggled. He looked up at Killian. Mas lalong itinaas ang cream puff na hawak.

“Kwim… puff…”

I gasped loudly. Naitakip ko ang mga kamay ko sa bibig ko at agad na bumuhos ang mga luha ko.

“Oh, my God…”

Kaz was still looking at Killian, holding out the sweets at him.

“Daddy… eat.”

I knelt in front of Kaz so our gaze would level. Malakas na ang naging pag-iyak at napatingin na tuloy sa ’kin si Kaz.

“Kaz, what did you say?”

He was about to repeat what he said but he frowned when he saw me crying.

“Mommy… cry…”

The ‘r’ sounded like ‘w’ as he was having a hard time rolling his tongue with how the letter sounded. But still, it made me cry even harder. Naramdaman ko ang pagluhod din ni Killian sa tabi.

“I’m not crying… Mommy is just so happy to hear my baby finally speak.”

Kaz’s frown deepened. Ang isang kamay n’yang walang hawak na cream puff ay pinangpunas sa pisngi ko. He stared at his damp hand and then looked at me again with suspicion in his eyes. Para bang sinasabi n’yang nagsisinungaling ako dahil iyon ang proof na umiiyak ako.

I laughed while still crying. Mas lalo kong nakita ang confusion sa mga mata ni Kaz. And then, he just let me and looked at Killian instead. Inilapit n’ya sa bibig ni Killian ang cream puff na hawak.

“Eat,” he said.

Killian looked at me. Nakikita kong gusto na naman n’yang lumayo. So, I held his hand while smiling so wide as I felt so happy right now. Tumango ako kay Killian at binalingan na n’ya si Kaz na nag-aabang.

He opened his mouth. Mas inilapit ni Kaz ang cream puff para makakagat ng maayos ang ama. He waited expectantly as Killian chewed the food.

“Daddy like… kwim puff?”

I knew Killian didn’t like sweet things. His coffee didn’t have any sugar. But I heard him chuckle and nod.

“Yeah… I like kwim puff .”

Kaz beamed at him.

“Kaz too!” masayang sabi ni Kaz at sumiksik sa katawan ng daddy n’ya. Umayos naman ng upo si Killian. Kaz sat on his lap and continued eating his cream puff.

Halos mapunit ang mga labi ko sa lawak ng ngiti ko habang nakatingin sa kanila. Ang saya sa dibdib ko ay hindi mapantayan. Hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang mga luha ko but unlike earlier, I was crying out of happiness.

Killian looked uncomfortable at first. But then he relaxed and caressed Kaz’s hair. He then planted a kiss on his head before he looked at me.

And finally, Killian flashed me a smile.

Ah… I knew it. Kaz needed his father.

Chapter 53

After lunch, I let Killian play with Kaz and decided to call my family to tell them the good news. Kampante naman akong kayang alagaan ni Killian ang anak n’ya. It was obvious that he didn’t have any idea what to do. But it seemed like Kaz was having fun with his father. Kaya hinayaan ko na lang muna ang dalawa. After all, this day was meant for them.

My family was happy when I told them that Kaz had finally talked. They, too, wanted to hear him say some words. They sounded excited on the phone. Gusto pa nga sanang pumunta ngayon para lang marinig na magsalita ni Kaz but they thought otherwise. Sinabi ko rin naman sa kanila una pa lang na ibibigay ko ang araw na ’to sa mag-ama that was why I chose my place in the end. I just told them na marami pa namang araw para makasama nila si Kaz.

I didn’t know what happened. Why was Kaz finally able to talk? I was told by the therapist that his speech development was slow kaya hindi man lang sinusubukan ni Kaz na magsalita. I mean… he wanted to try but it just seemed as if he was having a hard time forming the words kaya sa huli ay hindi na lang sinusubukang magsalita. That was why the therapist gave me the advice to be patient, to just continue to teach him how to talk and to always talk to him.

I was happy that he was finally talking. Nagtataka lang ako how it happened all of a sudden.

Lola told me what she thought. She thought that Kazimir might just be so happy today to meet his father and he even brought him a gift which was his favorite sweet. He was happy that his daddy gave him chocolate cream puffs. Kaya nga pinilit din ipatikim ang kay Killian ang pastry and was delighted when his dad said he also liked his favorite cream puff.

She thought that maybe… Kaz was happy to be with his dad now. He has his mommy and daddy, just like what he always sees in children’s books and shows. Kaya sa sobrang tuwa ay nakapagsalita na. He wanted to express his happiness.

Nang sabihin iyon ni Lola ay hindi ko maiwasang maiyak. I thought that since Kaz was still young, he wouldn’t mind it much. It wouldn’t affect him that great. Gusto kong lang ibigay ang karapatan n’yang makilala ang ama n’ya kaya ko ginawa ito ngayon not even thinking that maybe… Kaz longed for his parents too despite his very young age.

And then I remembered not being much with him during the first year of his life. Bilang na bilang pa nga ang pagkakataong nakasama ko s’ya. Pagkatapos ay na-busy pa ako nang bumalik ako sa fashion industry.

Right then, I finally understood Kaz’s happiness that he was even able to talk. Tuwang-tuwa s’yang kumpleto ang pamilya n’ya. Tuwang-tuwa s’yang kasama ang mga magulang n’ya.

“Madame?” Narinig ko muna ang mga katok bago bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto at nakita ko si Daria. “Dinner’s ready, madame. “

“Oh, okay… Thank you.” Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo sa kama. “Daria…”

The maid was about to take a step but stopped and looked at me.

“Yes, madame?”

“Did Kaz say anything earlier when you were with him? I just… I wanna know what his first word was.”

Napangiti si Daria bago umiling.

“No, madame. After he ate the first piece of cream puff, he took another one and then dashed out of the room to give it to his father.”

Oh… So, his words were really kwim puff.

So cute…

Natawa ako. I was happy that I was able to hear him say his first words. It would be my biggest regret if I didn’t get to witness that.

“Thank you, Daria… Do you want to eat with us?”

“No, madame … This day is important for all of you. I don’t want to impose.”

Napalabi ako at tinitigan s’ya. Umiiling-iling pa s’ya at kita sa mga mata na hindi na magbabago ang desisyon.

“Alright… Then you can call it a day.”

“But the dishes—”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of them.”

Sa huli ay pumayag na rin si Daria at nagpaalam na uuwi na. Inayos ko na muna ang kama para sa pagtulog ni Kaz. I also took out his pajamas and placed it on the bed para handa na mamaya.

I went down and smiled when I heard Kaz’s laughter as I descended the stairs. It was always so good to hear his laughter pero mas tunog masaya ang tawa ni Kaz ngayon. Parang tuwang-tuwa talaga. I suddenly got curious kung ano na ang ginagawa ng mag-ama kaya mas binilisan ko ang pagbaba.

But then, my heart almost dropped to the floor as soon as I saw them. Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko at nanlaki yata ang ulo ko. Napatigil ako sa paglalakad dahil parang nanlambot yata ang mga tuhod ko sa takot. Maingay akong napasinghap habang nakatingin sa kanila.

Killian was throwing Kaz up in the air!

“Killian!”

I shouted so loudly that I thought it could be heard outside. But Killian remained calm. Mukhang hindi man lang nagulat sa pagsigaw ko at nagawa pang sambutin si Kazimir na mukhang walang alam at tawa pa rin nang tawa. Killian looked at me and I realized that I was wrong. He looked startled a bit pero ang kilos ay kalmado pa rin habang karga na si Kaz ngayon.

I was actually amazed by it. It must’ve taken him a lot of presence of mind to react this calmly kahit na parang nagulat s’ya sa pagsigaw ko. He needed to catch Kazimir at hindi nagpaapekto sa gulat.

And then I remembered that he was always like this, even before. He was calculating things first in those situations over which he didn’t have control. Kagaya na lang sa nangyari sa ’min noon. He thought of a way he could still save me even if everything seemed hopeless at the time.

When Killian saw my expression, he looked as if he had been caught doing something… bad. I mean, I already saw him do a lot of horrible things pero ’yung expression n’ya kasi ngayon, halatang guilty na may ginawang hindi ko nagustuhan.

It was unfair of me. He was just playing with his kid. It was normal to throw kids in the air and catch them during playtime. Ginagawa ko rin naman iyon kay Kazimir but I couldn’t do it properly. Hindi mataas. Hindi nga lumaglagpas sa ulo ko ang paghagis ko sa kanya. Napupwersa ang mga kamay ko. It was hurting my hands kaya hindi ko madalas gawin iyon.

But Kaz seemed to love it. Kaya nga ngayon ay mukhang tuwang-tuwang mataas s’yang nahahagis ng ama.

But my heart couldn’t take it! ’Yung takot ko!

“More!” sabi pa ni Kaz na walang ideya sa takot ko. He couldn’t say the ‘r’ so it sounded like “mowl” .

Sumulyap sa ’kin si Killian. Mukhang nainip si Kaz na hindi pa rin s’ya pinagbigyan ng ama so he wiggled in his father’s arms.

“More!”

“No, Kaz. That’s enough,” I said as Killian looked so torn about not giving Kaz what he wanted. Para kasing pagbibigyan n’ya pa ang anak. “You’ll give me a heart attack.”

Kaz pouted. He even whined. Pero inaayos ni Killian ang pagkakarga sa kanya at tumingin sa ’kin.

“My bad…” he said.

I could see confusion in his eyes. Halatang hindi n’ya alam kung ano ang gagawin. He didn’t have any idea how to take care of Kaz but he was trying. Na-guilty tuloy ako.

He wasn’t even throwing Kaz that high. Matangkad lang talaga si Killian kaya sa akin ay mukhang mataas. And I knew that Killian could still catch Kaz, no matter what. Kahit pa nga ihagis n’ya pa ng mas mataas, masasambot n’ya pa rin ang anak. Kinabahan lang talaga ako.

I saw Kaz looking at Killian. Nakatitig sa mukha ng ama. Then he looked at me and tilted his head to the side.

“Daddy… bad.”

I bit my lower lip, trying to stop myself from smiling. I wanted to be serious. But this scene in front of me just looked so adorable. Ginagaya ni Kaz ang ama n’ya.

And Killian… He could always read me. Kahit na hindi ako ngumiti ay alam n’ya ang nararamdaman ko. And it seemed like he knew Kaz was imitating him too.

“Sorry…” he said. I could see that he was trying not to smile.

“Sowwy…” gaya ni Kaz sa kanya. Ikiniling pa ang ulo sa kabila.

Napasinghap ako. It sounded so cute with his little, soft voice. Aside from ‘r’, he couldn’t pronounce ‘s’ so well that it sounded more like ‘t’ instead.

I saw a ghost smirk on Killian’s lips. He knew that the situation was now in his favor, and he knew how to use it. For someone who was hesitating to hold his son just earlier, he knew how to get his son on his side against me.

“Sorry, Mommy…” Ayaw pa talagang papigil ni Killian!

Oh, my goodness…

“ Sowwy, Mommy.“

Shit, I can’t take it.

I looked at them, trying not to show any emotion on my face as much as possible. Killian was so handsome in his outfit. ’Yung black turtleneck top n’ya, hapit sa katawan n’ya as well as his black pants, displaying his nice figure. And with Kaz wearing a hoodie and matching pants in his arms, it was just…

Tumalikod ako. I put one hand on my waist and the other on my forehead. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

Goodness! My heart! It wasn’t good for my heart! They looked so… adorable that I couldn’t take it!

I had to stay like that for a while to calm myself. Pero narinig kong may ibinulong si Killian kay Kaz, I just couldn’t hear what it was, and then Kaz giggled. Napaharap ako tuloy ako sa kanila. Kaz tried to hide his giggles by covering his mouth with his two little hands.

I squinted my eyes at Killian. He was obviously smirking. Hindi na n’ya itinatago ’yon. But he shrugged his shoulders, feinting ignoring why Kaz was acting like that.

Ang mag-amang ’to…

“Let’s have dinner,” I said.

“Kwim puff!” Kaz exclaimed. His eyes were even twinkling.

“No, Kaz… That’s enough cream puff for today. You need to eat a proper dinner.”

Kazimir whined. Tumingin pa sa ama na parang nanghihingi ng tulong. Pinagtaasan ko ng kilay si Killian na mukhang nakuha naman ang gusto kong iparating.

Killian looked at Kaz. Hindi muna nagsalita ng ilang segundo. Parang pinag-iisipan kung ano ang dapat sabihin sa anak.

“You can have more cream puff after din—”

“Tomorrow,” putol ko na sa sinasabi ni Killian at lumapit sa kanila. “You can have cream puff again tomorrow.”

Masyado nang maraming nakaing cream puff si Kaz ngayon. Pinagbigyan ko dahil mukhang tuwang-tuwa s’ya sa dala ng ama para sa kanya. Pero kung hindi ko pa pinigilan kanina, baka maubos n’ya ang isang box ngayon. Kaz likes chocolate cream puffs so much. But I’m trying to control his sweets intake, as I want him to be healthy.

“Kwim puff…” si Kaz na papaiyak na.

Napasulyap ako kay Killian. I found him staring at me. Natigilan pa nga ako as he was staring at me in that way again. Intense. As if he didn’t want to look away from me anymore.

Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at napatikhim. Kaz was pouting. His lower lip protruded as he tried to stop his tears. Pinipigilang umiyak sa harap ni Killian. It was obvious that he really liked his dad.

“How about this?” I said. Mas lumapit pa ako kay Kaz at hinaplos ang buhok n’ya. “After you eat your dinner, Daddy will put you to bed. Do you like that?”

Napatingin ako kay Killian kung sakaling hinddi n’ya gusto ang ideyang ’yon. But it was such a mistake. I didn’t realize how close we were now. I could smell the cologne that he used. It was faint but it was still there, tickling my nose. Hindi matapang ang amoy. Tama lang. and yet it was still… seductive. All male. It was so him.

He was still staring at me. Duda pa nga ako kung inalis n’ya ang tingin sa ’kin mula pa kanina. His deep green eyes roamed around my face, kinakabisado ang bawat anggulo, just like he always did when we were together before.

My heart was beating so loudly against my chest. I wanted to take a deep breath to calm myself. But I was afraid I could take in more of his scent. It’ll be… too bad if that happens. Mas lalo akong hindi kakalma.

“Okay…”

I blinked. Wala sa sarili akong napatingin kay Kaz. He was smiling now. Gumalaw s’ya sa bisig ng ama at yumakap pa sa leeg ni Killian.

“Oh, uhm…” I cleared my throat before looking at Killian. Muntik ko pang makalimutan ang sinabi ko kanina. “Is that okay with you?”

Ilang segundo pang tumititig sa ’kin si Killian bago tiningnan na si Kaz. I almost heaved a deep breath.

“Yeah…” he said. “It’s alright.”

Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at tumango.

“Then let’s eat.”

It was Killian who fed Kaz dinner. Para kasing ayaw nang humiwalay ni Kaz sa ama. He was even sitting on Killian’s lap while eating with so much enthusiasm. Tuwang-tuwa kapag pinupuri ng ama that he was eating well.

And I was glad to see that Killian seemed alright now holding his son. Although there were times when I could still see uncertainty in his eyes, whenever he saw Kaz smiling at him, he seemed to relax a bit.

It must be hard for him. He looked really shaken earlier. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin mapaniwalaan na makikita s’yang ganoon. It broke my heart whenever I remembered how he looked earlier. I never wanted to see him like that again.

I didn’t know he had those thoughts. He carried that guilt for three years, so much that he didn’t even want to hold his son as he was afraid that he would hurt him too. Like how hurt I was three years ago.

We really needed to talk. I wanted him to be okay. I am doing well now. Of course, the fear would be hard to let go, there were still nightmares, pero nakayanan ko ang lahat dahil marami ang sumuporta sa ’kin. My family was there for me, and Kaz… I was able to go through everything because I have my son.

I wanted Killian to feel the same too. And I hope that being with Kaz will make him okay as well, like how I managed to be okay because of him.

Before, I was worried for Kaz’s safety as well if he met Killian. But now, it was so clear to me that Kaz needed his father. He was happy—so happy that he even started to talk.

And I was sure now that I was doing the right thing for them by letting them meet.

I was done doing the dishes and just waiting for Killian in the living room when I finally saw him go down the stairs. Mukhang hindi s’ya nahirapang patulugan si Kazimir. Maybe because Kaz was tired too dahil sa maghapong paglalaro nila ng ama.

“Coffee…?” alok ko sa kanya.

He just nodded. Tumayo ako at pumunta sa kusina. I brewed coffee for him and warm milk for me. Nang balikan ko s’ya sa sala hawak ang dalawang mug ay hindi muna ako lumapit sa kanya. He was already sitting down on the sofa but he seemed so lost in his thoughts. Mukhang malalim ang iniisip. His legs were apart and his elbows were leaning on his knees. He was looking at his hands pero alam kong wala roon ang atensyon n’ya.

He had the sleeves of his black turtleneck top rolled up to his elbows. Now I understand why he chose that top aside from that it was getting chilly these days. He was trying to hide his tattoos. Because he was meeting his son today. He wanted to make a good impression on him.

Although I don’t think it would be a problem for Kaz. He was young. Besides, Kaz likes the arts. He likes to draw. He might even find Killian’s tattoos fascinating.

Just like how I find them beautiful. I like his tattoos.

“You should let Kaz see your tattoos next time,” I said as I approached him.

Inilapag ko sa coffee table sa harap n’ya ang kape. Black. No cream. No sugar. Just like he wanted.

“Will that be okay?” he asked. Uncertainty was in his eyes.

Hindi talaga ako sanay na makita s’yang ganito. Para bang hindi n’ya alam ang gagawin.

“Of course.” Umupo ako sa pang-isahang sofa sa kanan n’ya. “You must’ve forgotten that he’s the son of a fashion designer.”

“I haven’t,” mabilis na sabi ni Killian. “I haven’t forgotten anything, Irina.”

I looked at him. Mula sa mga kamay ay tumingin s’ya sa akin. It was so quiet as it was already nighttime. I could feel my blood buzzing in my ears as I stared at those deep green eyes. Those eyes told me a lot of promises. I could see in them those words he wasn’t able to say.

That he hasn’t forgotten even a single thing about me.

Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at uminom ng gatas. The warm milk helped me calm my nerves. I saw him sipping on his coffee as well.

I wanted to say something but I didn’t know what to say. Ang dami naming kailangang pag-usap that I didn’t even know where to start. But we needed this talk. Sa tingin ko ay kailangan n’ya rin ’to so he wouldn’t be hesitant to hold Kazimir again next time.

“Kwim puff,” I said. Napatingin sa ’kin si Killian so I smiled at him. “Those were Kaz’s first words.”

I was smiling so wide. I can’t forget the feeling I felt earlier. I was so happy to hear my son finally talk. I knew Killian might’ve been confused by how I acted earlier so I wanted to tell everything to him. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya ang lahat ng tungkol kay Kaz. He had the right too.

Killian was staring at me again. He had the habit of doing that. Kahit naman noon pa. At hanggang ngayon, pareho pa rin ang pakiramdam na ibinibigay sa ’kin ng bawat titig n’ya.

“Just now?” he asked. Hindi man lang inalis ang tingin sa ’kin.

I nodded.

“He had speech delay… I had to consult a speech therapist as Kaz wasn’t trying to speak, not even babbling words. I could only hear his voice whenever he was laughing or crying,” I explained. “That’s why I was so happy earlier that I even cried.”

Natahimik si Killian ng ilang segunddo. Nakatitig lang sa kape sa harap n’ya. Then he looked at me. May maliit na ngiti sa labi n’ya.

“I got to hear it… His first words.”

Malaki pa rin ang ngiting tumango-tango ako.

“I think Kaz wanted you to hear it too.”

“Is there a reason why he had a speech delay?” he asked as he sipped his coffee. “Ano’ng sinabi ng therapist?”

I shook my head.

“They didn’t find any problems with Kaz. He’s just… not talking. I was told to just wait and to continue talking to him so he would be familiar with words as Kaz is responsive and can hear,” I said. “But still… I couldn’t help but worry back then. I even thought that he got affected because of what happened to me while I was pregnant with him.”

Natapos ko nang sabihin iyon bago ko napagtantong hindi maganda ang sinabi ko. Tiningnan ko si Killian at nakatitig s’ya sa kapeng nasa harapan n’ya. But I saw guilt in his eyes. Mariin akong napapikit at humugot ng malalim na paghinga.

I didn’t mean to make him feel that way. Ayokong mas ma-guilty pa s’ya sa nangyari noon. I shouldn’t have said that. Ayokong sisisihin n’ya ang sarili n’ya kung bakit nagkaroon ng speech delay si Kaz. Hindi ko rin naman inisip na kasalanan n’ya. After all, Kaz was talking now and it seemed that Killian’s presence helped a lot with that.

That was why we really needed to talk. To finally let go of our pain and guilt. To completely let go of what happened so we could get over with our lives.

Because it seemed like the past was binding on us. Kaya nga rin noong una ay alangan akong ipakilala si Killian kay Kazimir. And Killian was hesitating to hold his son too.

“Nahirapan ka ba?” tahimik na tanong ni Killian.

“What?”

“I bet you did,” he mumbled but because of the silence, I clearly heard it. He then looked at me and said, “Tell me everything.”

He wanted to know what I went through. Ayoko sana dahil alam kong mas masasaktan s’ya. Mas titindi ang guilt na makikita ko sa kanya.

But his eyes were serious. He looked ready. Na kahit na alam naming dalawa na masasaktan s’ya, he still wanted to hear it.

So, I decided to tell him everything. Mula noong umalis ako sa hospital, ang mga sinabi ni Serj, ang pinagdaanan ko noong pagbubuntis ko hanggang sa nanganak ako kay Kazimir. I also told him about my rehab and what I did so my hands could function again. Pati na rin ang desisyon kong isama muna nila Mommy si Kazimir sa Russia.

Killian was silent for a long time. Sa buong panahong nagsasalita ako ay nakatingin lang s’ya sa ’kin. Tahimik na nakikinig. Nang matapos ako ay tumitig lang s’ya sa kape na alam kong malamig na. Hindi ko na rin naman nainom ang gatas ko.

“You reconciled with your mom. Maayos na rin sila ng Lola mo.”

Hindi iyon ang inaasahan kong sasabihin n’ya pero tumango ako.

“Yeah…”

He looked at me.

“Then why are you still not speaking in Tagalog?”

Natigilana ko. I blinked. Hindi ko mabasa ang nasa mga mata n’ya.

“Why are you then?” I asked.

Matagal na tumitig sa ’kin si Killian. This time, it was obvious that he was trying to read me. I decided that we would talk today kaya hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kanya.

And then I realized how much I love looking at those deep green eyes. Pero hindi katulad noon na pagmamahal lang ang nakikita ko roon kapag tumitingin s’ya sa ’kin and the ominous look he always had, this time, it was mixed with sadness and pain.

“Serj told you…” he concluded.

I didn’t say anything. Hindi ko na kailangang itanggi ’yon dahil alam n’yang iyon din naman ang totoo.

“Kaya ba hindi ka pa rin nagsasalita ng Tagalog? Or you do but not just around me.”

He was right. Kasi iyong lenggwahe aang gamit ko kapag magkausap kami ni Lola. And sometimes with my mom. In fact, it was my mom who told me not to speak the language before.

I was afraid that I might hurt Killian kahit na alam kong maiintindi n’ya kapag magsasalita ako ng Tagalog. Kagaya noong hindi ko pa alam aang lahat. I was happily talking with my Lola in Tagalog when he was around.

I wonder how hurt he was while listening to me use the language that reminded him of the torture he experienced when he was just a child.

“Why are you speaking Tagalog then?” I asked.

“You love the language. You love talking with your grandma using that language.”

“What does this have to do with me?”

Ibinalik n’ya ang tingin sa kapeng nasa harapan n’ya.

“It’s you… Why wouldn’t it be about you?” mahinang sabi n’ya.

May bumikig sa lalamunan ko. Naalala ko iyong sinabi sa ’kin ni Serj noon. That Killian hated the language so much that he didn’t even want to speak or hear it. Yet he allowed me to talk with Lola around him.

Because I looked happy…

“If it’s because of me that you’re not speaking the language, then forget it,” Killian said. “I’m okay.”

Ah… he was like this too. Even before. Mas inuuna ang lagay ko kaysa sa comfort n’ya. Didn’t he almost lose his life just to save me? The only thing he didn’t want me to do was leave him.

And yet… he chose to wait until I was ready to tell him about Kazimir.

“Then stop feeling guilty too,” nanginig ang boses ko. “Stop feeling hesitant about holding our son.”

He looked at me. Nakita kong hirap na hirap s’yang napalunok. The pain I saw in his eyes intensified.

Hindi ko inaasahan ang sunod na ginawa n’ya. Lumapit s’ya sa ’kin at lumuhod sa harapan ko. With one knee on the floor, he held both of my hands tightly. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at muntik nang mapatayo but he stopped me.

“Killian!”

He just held my hands tightly. Deretso ang tingin n’ya sa mga mata ko.

“When Serj’s father told me that I needed to protect his son before he took me in, doon pa lang, alam ko nang madudumihan ang mga kamay ko. I knew I needed to kill people to protect Serj as they are not just a normal family.” Nagbaba s’ya ng tingin sa maagkaahawak naming kamay. “Tanggap ko ’yon. I was even grateful. I got out of hell because of him. I got a new family. At wala akong naging reklamo. Wala akong naramdamang pagrereklamo.”

He took a deep and shaky breath. Kitang-kita ko ang paghihirap s’ya kanya. It was obvious that he was hurting so I squeezed his hands and held them tightly too.

“But three years ago… that was when I first started to feel regret. I ignored it and I thought I was doing okay. But when I saw Kaz earlier… lumala lang ’yon. The regret I thought I ignored and buried just burst out. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng gagawin ko sa pakiramdam na ’yon.”

“Killian…”

“I am proud of being a Romanov, but I was ashamed of facing Kaz earlier.” He looked at me. “And you… I regretted facing both of you. Nagsisi ako kung bakit kita nilapitan ulit. You are better off without me.”

I bit my lower lip. My heart was hurting so much. The confident and proud man I saw before was now gone. ’Yung lalaking nasa haraapan ko ngayon ay punong-puno ng pagsisisi at pagdududa sa sarili. Halos madurog ang puso ko habang nakatingin sa kanya.

“I considered staying away,” he said. “Kasi alam kong hindi ko iiwan ang pagiging Romanov. I was saved and got out of hell when Serj’s father took me in. I pledged my life to protecting Serj.” Dinala n’ya anag mgaa kamay ko sa mga labi n’ya. “I thought that if I stayed with you and Kaz, mauulit lang ’yung dati. That my selfishness and greed would just harm you both… Hindi ko na kakayanin ’yon, Irina…”

I nodded. Naiintindihan ko s’ya. I was even amazed by his loyalty. Kahit noon pa man, hinaahangaan ko na ’yon sa kanya. It was one of those things I loved about him. At ayokong alisin iyon sa kanya.

Inalis ko ang isang kamay ko sa pagkakahawak n’ya at hinawakan ang pisngi n’ya. He was crying. I never even thought I would see him cry. Ang akala ko nga ay hindi n’ya alam ang salitang ’yon. But he must’ve been having a hard time for so long kaya hindi na n’ya nakayanan ngayon.

“You can still be with Kaz…” I said. “Alam ko namang poprotektahan mo s’ya. After all, he is Killian Romanov’s son.”

Muli n’yang hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. He looked at them at nakita ko ang kakaibang sakit sa mga mata n’ya nang makita ang peklat doon. He trailed the scars with his finger as pain intensified in his eyes with his every touch.

“I’m so sorry…” his voice croaked. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry you have these scars. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

Tumulo na rin ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. I shook my head while biting my lower lip to conceal my sobs. I cupped his face and made him look at me but the hurt I saw in his eyes made the sobs escape from my lips.

“No, Killian… You protected me. You almost lost your life protecting me. Kaya alam kong poprotektahan mor in ang anak natin.” I smiled at him kahit patuloy pa rin sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko. “I’m okay now… Nahirapan ako noong una but I’m getting over it. At gusto ko ganoon din ang gawin mo, Killian…”

I wiped his tears and stared into his eyes. Titig na titig din s’ya sa ’kin kaya kitang-kita ko ang bawat emosyon sa mga mata n’ya.

Ah… I love looking into his eyes.

“Alam kong mahirap kalimutan ang nangyari… But if we couldn’t, then there’s no need to try to forget. We just need to try hard to get over it and move on so we can start anew. So, we can continue living. Don’t let regret and guilt stop us and hold us back. Because we have Kaz now… Our son needs us. Our son needs you…”

He was still stariing at me kaya kitang-kita kong nabawasan ang sakit na nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya. My smile widened when I saw a tiny bit of hope in his eyes. It was okay. It was a start. Alam kong magiging okay din s’ya.

He held my hands with his and I felt warmth in his palms that calmed the pain I was feeling. Dinala n’ya ang mga kamay ko sa bibig n’ya, kissing my palms with his warm and soft lips.

“Our son…” he said. “I love how I feel connected with you again with just those words.”

Natawa ako. Killian wiped the tears off my cheeks.

“Ano ka ba? Si Kaz ang living proof na may connection tayo.”

When I heard Killian chuckle, I finally felt the pain leave me. Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko nang makita ang ngisi sa mga labi n’ya.

“Can I visit him again?” he asked.

“Of course!” mabilis kong sabi. “You can visit him anytime. Hindi mo na nga kailangang magpaalam sa ’kin.”

Killian chuckled.

“Alright…” he said as he kissed my palms again.

Chapter 54

Since then, I got used to Killian always being at my place. Halos araw-araw s’yang nandoon. Although there were times that he couldn’t visit once or twice a week, most of the time, Killian was with us, playing with Kaz.

The two were always playing. Si Kaz ay halatang gustong-gustong kasama ang ama. Kung minsan nga ay hindi na ako makasingit sa dalawa kaya ang panonood na lang sa kanila ang ginagawa ko. And sometimes, I would sketch whenever I found inspiration while watching them.

Kaz was showing Killian all the things that he enjoyed. He showed him his coloring book and just like he always did, he made Killian color the drawing while he was doodling on the free spaces. He also made his father draw with him on the magnetic sketch pad that he loves. When I saw their “artwork,” I had the confirmation na sa akin nga talaga naman ni Kaz ang hilig n’ya sa pagdo-drawing.

There was also one time when Kaz made Killian watch his favorite cartoon show while sitting on his father’s lap. They watched for an hour or two and I was amazed as Killian was seriously watching the show. He would scowl whenever there were scenes that didn’t make sense, but when Kaz laughed at the scenarios, his frown would fade and his eyes would soften as he stared at Kazimir.

I was happy just watching the two. Hindi na gaanong nag-aalangan si Killian sa paghawak kay Kaz. All that I could see in him was wonderment as if he was thinking of what to do and how he would play with Kaz. I could understand that this was new to him. I was like that at first too. But he looked like he was adjusting well as he was trying hard to be a good father to Kazimir.

I decided not to launch a fashion collection for the upcoming season and just take a rest as I wanted to spend time with my son instead. Pero kapag pinapanoood ko ang mag-ama, surges of ideas always came into my mind. In the end, nakagawa na ako ng dalawang design for this coming winter season para sa kanilang dalawa. I was planning to make it and make them wear it this winter.

I bet it’ll look good on them.

I heard the doorbell ring at hinayaan ko na si Daria na magbukas ng pinto. Nasabihan na ako ni Mommy kahapon na dadalaw sila ngayon. I haven’t been able to visit them as I wanted Killian and Kaz to spend more time together first. Ayokong kunin ang oras na ’yon sa kanila. Isa pa, mukha ring bumabawi si Killian sa anak.

Kaya nagdesisyon na lang sina Mommy na sila na ang bumisita. Pumayag na ako as this was one of the days in a week na hindi nakakabisita si Killian. I didn’t know what he was doing. Ayokong magtanong. Although I was thinking that it was about the mafia or their company.

“Nainip na kaming makita si Kaz,” sabi ni Mommy bago ako hinalikan sa pisngi. “Nasa’n ang apo ko?”

“Living room. Watching cartoons.” Nilapitan ko si Dad. He spread his arms as soon as he saw me approaching him. “Hi, Dad…”

“How are you, dochka? “ He gave me a tight hug before releasing me.

I smiled. I really like it whenever Dad calls me that. Kahit pa man noon. He was calling me in that endearment with a sweet voice.

My daughter…

“I’m fine, Dad… I’m glad you could make it today…”

“Nah…” he chuckled. “Of course, I want to hear my grandson talk in person.”

Napailing na lang ako. Yulia and Lola hugged me as well. Nakayakap ang mga braso ko kay Lola habang papunta kami sa living room kung saan nauna na ang pamilya ko. Naabutan naming silang pinalilibutan si Kaz, who looked so confused and pissed as he got disturbed watching his favorite cartoon show.

My goodness…

“Irina, talaga bang nakakapagsalita na si Kaz?” tanong ni Mommy na talagang kinandong pa si Kaz. My son looked like he was about to cry!

“Call me tyotya , baby Kazi… I’m your Tyotya Yulia!” I heard Yulia say. She even crouched down in front of Kaz. Naharangan na n’ya ang TV.

“Yes, Mom… Kapag nandito si Killian, madaldal s’ya.”

“Eh, ba’t ayaw magsalita ngayon?” Mom looked worried.

“Eh, kayo ba naman pinalibutan n’yo agad ang walang muang na bata! Ginulat n’yo!” sabi ni Lola na mukhang natatawa na lang.

“C’mon, baby Kazi. Say tyotya. Tyotya Yulia. “

“For Christ’s sake, Yulia! That word is too hard for him. He still can’t pronounce some words properly, you know?”

I massaged my temple. Goodness… Sumakit yata ang ulo ko. Although it was fun, they looked excited. Nang sabihin ko pa nga kay Mommy na nakakapagsalita na si Kaz, she looked sad that she didn’t hear his first words.

My family all wanted to hear Kaz talk. Kung hindi ko lang pinigilan sila noon, malamang that very day when Kaz said his first words, baka sumugod na sila. Buti nga at nakapaghintay pa sila ng ganitong katagal bago bumisita.

“Just sit down first, Yulia,” sabi ni Dad na nakaupo sa tabi ni Mommy. “Can’t you see? You’re scaring him.”

We all looked at Kaz. Papaiyak na talaga ang anak ko. Gumagalaw na ang mga labi at napapahikbi na. When he saw me looking at him, he stretched his arms. Nagpapakuha na sa akin. Nagpapatulong na makawala sa mga nanggugulo sa kanya.

Ooh, my poor baby… He was peacefully watching his cartoons earlier. Tapos biglang nabulabog sa pagdating nila Mommy.

Lumapit ako at kinuha na si Kaz. My son quickly buried his face in my neck and hugged me tight. Para pa nggang gustong magtago sa katawan ko.

“But I wanna hear him talk…” Yulia said.

“Just wait,” I said as I caressed my son’s back to calm him down. “You scared him. He’ll talk when he’s comfortable.”

I had to sit down with Kaz on my lap so he would calm down. Mukha kasing nagulat talaga s’ya sa pagdating nina Mommy at pinalibutan s’ya agad. Tapos si Yulia, talagang pinipilit pang magsalita si kaz so of course, my poor son would be shocked.

We all watched the cartoon show with him. Si Lola naman ay dumiretso sa kusina at tinulungan si Daria sa paghahanda ng pagkain naming kahit ano pa’ng pigil ko sa kanya na umupo na lang din. Si Mommy ay pinigilan na rin s’ya pero ayaw talagang magpaawat ni Lola. So, Mom went to the kitchen as well. Tatlo na silang nagluluto roon.

“Is he being a good father to Kazimir?”

Napatingin ako kay Dad. Noong una ay hindi ko pa naintindihan ang tinatanong n’ya kaya napatingin lang ako kay Yulia na hindi nanonood. She was just using her phone. When I looked at Dad again, I saw him glance at Kazimir before looking at me, waiting for my answer.

“It’s that he doesn’t have any idea how to take care of Kazimir,” I said.

Nakita ko agad ang protesta sa mukha ni Dad. He looked like he was about to say something pero inunahan ko na.

“But he’s trying. He’s trying hard. And I have no complaints.” I smiled. “You don’t have to worry, Dad. I’m sure Killian will be a good father to Kazimir.”

And I could understand Killian. I still remember those things he told me before. He had a rough childhood. I couldn’t imagine what he went through. He was just a kid who was supposed to enjoy the world with his vast imagination. And yet, at that time, Killian was trying to survive. He did everything so he could live.

Imbes na ang paglalaro ang iniisip n’ya noon, he was trying to find ways to escape the hell he was in. Maaga s’yang namulat sa rahas ng mundo. Until Serj’s father took him in.

Kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit walang ideya si Killian kung paano aalagaan si Kazimir. Kung bakit nangangapa s’ya. Because he didn’t experience being a child himself.

Hindi na rin nagsalita si Dad. Alam kong marami pa s’yang gustong sabihin. Until now, I knew he didn’t like Killian. Pero hinahayaan n’ya ako sa bagay na ’to. I was grateful that he didn’t push through with the topic as I didn’t want to tell him those things about Killian.

Maybe Dad would like him a bit or would at least understand him if I did tell him but… it wasn’t my story to tell. Lalo pa at alam kong nahirapan si Killian noong ikinuwento n’ya sa akin iyon noon.

“Did he say anything about being together?” Dad asked after a while.

I shook my head.

“No… I told him he could visit Kaz anytime he wanted.”

“I’m not talking about Kazimir. I’m talking about you.”

I blinked.

“What?”

“Is he also thinking about getting back with you? Did he say anything about that?”

Natigilan ako. Kahit si Yulia ay nakita kong nag-angat din ng tingin sa akin mula sa phone n’ya. She seemed surprised by Dad’s question too. When she saw me looking at her, she looked down at her phone again pero alam kong naghihintay na rin s’ya sa sagot ko.

I’d never expected the question. Hindi ko rin inaasahan na itatanong sa ’kin ’yon ni Dad. Wala akong maisagot dahil hindi ko rin alam kung ano’ng nararamdaman ko.

I’ve honestly never thought about it. I know I still love Killian. I’ve never stopped loving him pero hindi ko talaga naisip ’yon. Ang iniisip ko lang no’n ay ipakilala s’ya kay Kazimir. Because he deserves to know about his son. And Kazimir deserves to have a father. My son needs his father.

“He… never mentioned anything about it, Dad. I mean…” I cleared my throat. I was trying to find the answer in my mind. “We’re just here for Kazimir.”

“What if he asked you about it? What if he wants you to get back with him? What will you do, Irina?”

“I… don’t know…”

Tinitigan ako ni Dad. I knew he could see the confusion in my eyes. Nabigla kasi ako sa tanong. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko dahil hindi ko talaga napag-isipan ang bagay na ’yon.

Dad took a deep breath.

“I only asked because I know there’s a chance, especially considering you’re always together because of Kazimir. I know you still love the guy, right?”

Natahimik ako. Kahit na hindi ako magsalita, alam kong alam ni Daddy ang totoo. He witnessed how much I love Killian and the things I would do just to be with him. I am his daughter. Of course, he’d know that much.

“I thought you hated Killian. Why does it seem like you wanted me to be with him again?”

“Oh, I still do. I still hate the guy.” Hindi man lang talaga nag-deny si Dad.

Napasulyap pa si Daddy kay Kazimir na abala pa rin sa panonood ng cartoon show. As if he was worried that Kazimir would understand what he was saying.

He took a deep breath.

“I simply don’t want you to have any regrets. I am just a father who wishes for his daughter’s happiness.”

I didn’t say anything. I just looked at my son. He was sitting comfortably on my lap. Ang buong bigat ay nakasandal sa akin. He giggled when there were some funny scenes on the show, pagkatapos ay tuluyan nang natawa nang may ipakita ulit na iba pang scene.

I smiled and caressed my son’s hair. I love hearing his little giggles and laughs. Nakakagaan sa pakiramdam. Whenever I heard that, it felt as if there were no problems in this world. It sounded so innocent and carefree.

I wanted my son to be happy. I would do everything for him. Kaya nga pinilit ko ang magpagaling noon para sa kanya. And that was also why I introduced Killian to him as I knew he needed his father and I wanted to give him everything.

Iyon lang ang iniisip ko sa patuloy naming pagkikita ni Killian. For Kazimir. Hindi ko na pinagtuunan ng pansin ang nararamdaman ko kay Killian. My love for him didn’t even fade with all those years.

And I would admit, I was happy being with him. I was happy to see that he was okay too. Nakikita ko rin ang unti-unting pagkawala ng sakit at pag-aalangan sa mga mata n’ya sa bawat araw na binibisita n’ya si Kazimir. And I was content with that. With all that happened to us, he deserves to heal and be okay as well.

Isa pa, hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang nararamdaman sa ’kin ni Killian. Sure, there were times when I caught him staring at him like he did before when we were still together. Pero ayokong ipagkamali ang emosyong nakikita sa mga mata n’ya. I didn’t know if he was caring for me because I was Kazimir’s mother o dahil higit pa ro’n ang nararamdaman n’ya. I didn’t want to assume. I didn’t want to get hurt in the end dahil lang umasa ako. Kaya nga kuntento na lang ako sa kung ano kami ngayon. Especially that our son needed both of us.

Nang matapos na sina Mommy sa kusina ay kumain na kami. It was Mom and Lola who took care of Kaz. Mukha rin namang nakabawi na ang anak ko sa takot at gulat n’ya kanina. He started to babble some words as well and I could see happiness in my family’s eyes. Ibang-iba noon na hindi talaga sinusubukan ni Kaz na magsalita. And it was obvious that they were all so attentive, waiting for Kaz to finally say a word.

We were in the living room after lunch when the doorbell rang. I frowned. Wala akong inaasahang bisita ngayon. I wasn’t going to release any collections for the season so I knew that it wouldn’t be my team. Isa pa, magsasabi muna sila sa ’kin bago sila pumunta sa place ko.

Was it Killian, then? He didn’t come yesterday and I assumed he wouldn’t be here today as well lalo pa at ganitong mga araw s’ya hindi nakakabisita.

Si Daria ang pumunta sa may pintuan at sinundan ko lang s’ya ng tingin. I could see my son doing the same too. Hindi na pinansin ang mga laruan n’ya pati na rin sina Mommy na nilalaro s’ya. Pareho na kami ngayong nakatingin sa bukana ng living room at hinihintay ang pagbalik ni Daria.

“Daddy!”

It was Kaz who first reacted nang makita namin si Killian na nakasunod kay Daria. Natigilan s’ya nang makitang may iba pa akong bisita. But his gaze softened and he made a small smile when Kaz came near him. Kaz stretched out his arms for him at mabilis naman s’yang kinarga ni Killian.

“How’s my little buddy?” Killian asked and settled Kaz in his arms.

“Big!” Kaz corrected which made Killian chuckle.

“How’s my big man?”

“Play…” Nakatitig na naman si Kazimir sa tattoo ni Killian sa leeg.

When Kaz first saw Killian’s inked skin, halos buong araw s’yang nakatitig sa ama. He was really curious that day. Nang hindi na nakayanan ang curiosity, he stared at the tattoo, trailing them. Itinataas pa nga ang shirt ni Killian para makita ang iba pang tattoo na natakpan ng damit. Kulang na lang ay hubaran n’ya si Killian noon. I was right that he would be amazed by his father’s tattoos.

Then the next day, Kaz tried to doodle on his own skin. I realized then that at his young age, Kaz was looking up to his father.

It was Killian who explained that tattoos are for grown-ups. That it was a big decision as it can’t be undone. There were lasers but it was too much of a hassle to get rid of them completely. Kaya kailangan na thousand percent sure bago magpa-tattoo.

I didn’t know if Kaz understood that. He was so young! May ibang words pa nga s’yang hindi naiintindihan but he was listening intently to his dad that day. At pagkatapos din noon, whenever Killian would call him “little,” Kaz would always correct him, wanting his father to call him “big” when Killian was calling him little man, little buddy, or little champ.

“Hey…” bati ko kay Killian nang lumapit ako sa kanila.

He looked at me. Ilang sandaling tumitig sa akin bago ako hinalikan sa pisngi.

That wasn’t the first time. It was how he always greeted me whenever he was visiting pero palagi pa rin akong natitigilan. I needed time to calm myself especially since I would always smell his scent.

“My bad. Hindi ko alam na bibisita ang pamilya mo.”

“Daddy always bad,” Kaz mumbled, pressing on the inked skin on Killian’s neck with his little finger.

Killian chuckled. He kissed his son on the cheek.

“That’s why you need to be good. Your mom will get mad.”

Natigilan si Kaz. I could see that his curiosity was running again. Lalo nan ang tumingin sa ’king may pagtataka sa mukha.

“Mommy mad… at Daddy?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

Killian looked at me. Parang hinihintay din ang sagot ko. Napasimangot tuloy ako sa kanya.

Ano ba? Akala n’ya ba galit pa rin ako sa kanya? We’ve already talked about this.

“No, of course not…” I said to Kaz. “Don’t listen to your dad.”

“But Daddy… bad?”

“It means he’s sorry whenever he’s saying ‘my bad.’ He’s apologizing.”

Mukhang may nalito lang si Kaz sa paliwanag ko. His face crumpled in confusion. Pagkatapos ay hindi na ako pinansin at binalikan ang tattoo ng ama.

“C’mon. I’ll introduce you to my family,” sabi ko kay Killian at tumango naman s’ya.

I turned around and saw my family looking at us. Mukhang kanina pa nga kami pinapanood. Napatikhim ako at hinigit si Killian sa harapan nila.

“Uhm… This Killian…. Romanov. Kazimir’s dad. Of course, you already know that.” I laughed awkwardly and almost cursed at myself when I looked awkward. I cleared my throat instead. “Killian, this is my mom, dad, my sister Yulia, and my Lola.”

Killian greeted them pero wala man lang nagsalita sa kanila. I was getting anxious. I never thought they would all be meeting today. Kinakabahan ako lalo pa at pinag-usapan lang namin ni Dad si Killian kanina lang. And Dad didn’t even deny that he still hates Killian!

Napatingin ako kay Killian. He looked so calm as if that was a normal day for him. Samantalang ako ay halos mamatay na sa kaba.

“Ito ba ’yung modelo mo noon, Irina? Aba’y napakagwapo nga!” It was Lola who finally broke the silence. Halos yakapin ko na s’ya dahil doon.

Thank you, Lola! I love you so much po talaga!

“It is nice to finally meet you, ma’am,” Killian said which made Lola laugh.

“Ano’ng ma’am? Tawagin mo na lang din akong lola, apo. Ikaw naman ang ama ni Kazimir,” Lola said pero agad ding natigilan. “Ay, Russian nga pala ’to. Baka hindi—”

“Nakakaintindi ho ako ng Tagalog,” mabilis na sabi ni Killian.

Napatingin sa akin si Lola at Mommy. Kahit si Daddy na alam kong hindi naintindihan ang sinabi ni Killian but he recognized the language. May pagtatanong akong nakita sa mga mukha nila.

“Long story,” sabi ko na lang.

Mom introduced herself as a courtesy. Kahit si Yulia na nakitaan ko ng paghanga sa mga mata. I saw them curiously glancing at Killian’s tattoos too pero wala namang sinabi.

When it was my dad’s turn, sobrang seryoso ng mukha n’ya. I gulped down the nervousness I felt. Kabang-kaba talaga ako. Si Dad pa naman ’yung ’pag ayaw n’ya sa isang tao, ipapakita n’ya talaga.

“I’d like to talk to you,” Dad said. “Privately.”

Oh, no…

“Dad—”

“Sure, sir,” sabi agad ni Killian na hindi ko nakitaan ng kaba o takot.

“Killian!” I hissed.

He looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile.

“Ikaw na munang bahala kay Kaz,” he said. Mabuti na lang at hindi nagpumilit si Kazimir sa bisig ng ama. Killian kissed me on top of my head. “I’ll be back.”

They disappear into the kitchen. May sinasabi sina Mommy tungkol kay Killian, how good looking and intense he was. Tumatango lang ako pero ang mga mata ko ay nasa daan papuntang kusina.

What were they talking about? Ano ang gustong sabihin ni Dad sa kanya? I was worried he would tell Killian straight to his face that he didn’t like him

And si Killian, baka kung ano ring sabihin n’ya. What if he told him what happened before? Hinding-hindi talaga s’ya patatawarin ni Daddy! Baka nga sabihin pa akong ilayo si Kaz kay Killian.

This couldn’t be good. Noon pa mang hindi pa nangyayari ang aksidenteng ’yoon ay ayaw na talaga ni Daddy kay Killian. And I even left my family for Killian! I was so sure that Dad’s anger intensified because of that!

It felt like almost an hour when they finally went back. I even looked at them from head to toe, making sure that they weren’t hurt. Hindi ko naman sigurado kung bakit ko ’yon ginawa!

“What happened?” tanong ko kay Killian nang lumapit sa ’kin at kinuha si Kaz.

He just smirked at me.

“Nothing for you to worry about,” he said.

“Killian, ano nga? Ano’ng sinabi sa ’yo ni Dad?”

He just chuckled. Kinuha ang isang kamay ko at hinalikan iyon.

“You know that I love you so fc— so much, right?”

Natigilan ako. He was looking at me. There was a smirk on his lips but his eyes were so serious. I could even see those words he just told me in his deep green eyes.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I was taken aback. Ilang beses yata akong matitigilan ngayon. Pero mas grabe ang pagkagulat na naramdaman ko sa ssinabi n’ya. Sumabay pa ang tibok ng puso ko na pakiramdaman ko ay naririnig din n’ya sa sobrang lakas.

“I ywab Mommy, too,” Kaz said. Natawa si Killian at nakipaglaro na sa anak na parang wala s’yang sinabing nagpalakas at nagpabilis ng tibok ng puso ko.

Holy… shit. What am I supposed to say to that?

He was so unfair. Sinabi n’ya ’yon, as if he was just reminding me how he felt and was not even expecting any response from me. That it was okay if I didn’t feel the same anymore as long as I clearly knew that he loved me still.

I had to force myself not to cry. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions. Hindi ko hinayaan ang sarili kong maiyak dahil nandito pa ang pamilya ko. I had to act like my heart wasn’t crying and was beating so freakin fast!

Until now, Killian still seemed to enjoy torturing me!

After that, I noticed that Dad and Killian were civil kaya naisip kong hindi siguro naging masama ang paag-uusap nila. My family was asking Killian a lot of questions which Killian answered all. And I was thankful he didn’t say anything about the Bratva. Sa tingin ko ay may ideya si Dad pero alam n’yang hindi basta-bastang pinag-uusapan iyon ng ganito.

But… they already talked. Whatever they talked about must’ve been good. Naging maayos na kasi ang pakitungo ni Dad kay Killian.

“Kaz really loves his father,” sabi ni Mommy nang magpaalam na sila after dinner. Si Killian ay pinapatulog na si Kazimir. My maid went home as well. “He looks happy.”

“Kaya nga sa tingin ko’y nakapagsalita dahil sa sobrang tuwang nakasama na ang ama,” Lola said. “’Diba nga’t nagsalita at dumaldal lang nang dumating na ang ama?”

“He takes good care of Kaz,” I said. “Kapag dumadalaw si Killian, hindi nagsasawa si Kaz na makalaro s’ya.”

Mom hugged me.

“I’m happy that you’re happy too.”

“I am?” tanong ko nang humiwalay s’ya.

Mom just smiled at me and caressed my hair. Hinalikan ako sa pisngi at nagpaalam na sila ni Lola na mauuna na sa sasakyan. Yulia hugged and kissed me as well bago sumunod kila Mommy. Naiwan si Dad na pinaningkitan ko ng mga mata.

“What did you tell him?”

Natawa si Dad. Hinigit ako at niyakap. I felt him caress my back.

“I told you… I’m a father who wishes for my daughter’s happiness,” sabi n’ya bago ako pinakawalan. “I want you to think things through first, okay? But also think about your happiness as well.”

Iyon lang ang sinabi ni Dad at nagpaalam na rin. Hinintay kong makaalis ang sasakyan nila bago pumasok sa loob. Nakita ko si Killian na nakaupo na sa sofa. I figured Kaz was already asleep.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I sat beside him. “Hindi ko alam na bibisita ka rin ngayon kaya pumayag akong bisitahin ako ng family ko. There were so excited to see Kaz.”

“It’s alright… I understand them. You have a nice family. I’m glad to know that our son receives a lot of love.”

“Excited din kasi silang marinig na magsalita si Kaz.” I smiled at him. “Nagsalita lang kanina nu’ng dumating ka na.”

He chuckled.

“Gusto rin s’yang makilala ni Serj.”

“Oo nga pala. Nasabi na rin n’ya ’yan sa ’kin noon kaya gusto na rin n’yang makilala mo si Kaz.”

Killian was silent for a while. Natahimik na rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sasabihin ko. I was… I was contemplating what to say.

Should I talk about what he said to me earlier? Ano ba ang dapat kong sabihin? Should I tell him what I feel too?

But… I don’t know. I… I need to think about it. Natatakot kasi ako sa kung ano’ng maaring mangyari kapag hindi ko na naman pinag-isipan ang lahat.

Kaya pala iyon ang sinabi ni Dad kanina bago s’ya umalis.

“I met my brother,” Killian said.

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

“Si Serj?”

He looked at me. There wasn’t any emotion on his face.

“My brother in blood,” he said. “My real brother.”

Naguluhan paa ako noong una kaya hindi ako nakapagsalita agad. Si Serj pa rin kasi ang nasa isip ko. And when I finally understood what he meant, my eyes widened.

“You have a brother? Aside from Serj?” Napasinghap ako. “You met your real family?”

He shook his head. He looked at his hands. I saw uncertainty in his eyes.

“He introduced himself a year after I woke up in a coma,” tahimik n’yang sabi. “Then I met my parents months after that.”

Oh, my goodness. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sasabihin ko. Pero nakikita kong mas nalilito si Killian kaysa sa ’kin. Halatang naguguluhan s’ya at hindi n’ya alam ang gagawin.

So, I reached for his hands and held them. Umusog ako palapit sa kanya. Sa huli ay ipinulupo ko ang mga kamay ko sa braso n’ya. I leaned on his side and he seemed to relax a bit.

“I was… I didn’t know what to feel at that time. After all those years… I met them. I admit there were times when I got curious about them. May mga pagkakataong naaalala ko ang tungkol sa kanila. Especially my brother as I can remember we always played when we were kids. But their faces were blurry. Hanggang sa nakalimutan ko na ang tungkol sa kanila.”

I caressed his arm. Tahimik lang akong nakinig sa kwento n’ya.

“I considered the Romanovs as my real family. I was curious about them but… But not to the point that I would seek for them. For me, they were just people in my past. Nakalimutan ko na nga sila. Hanggang sa magpakilala sa ’kin ang kapatid ko.”

“I understand…” I said. “You also spent more time being a Romanov. And also, you don’t need to have the same blood to be called a family.”

Just like my dad.

“You can call anyone your family if you think of them as one,” I said. “If you really love them as one.”

Humiwalay ako sa kanya. He looked at me na para bang ako lang ang kailangan n’ya. He looked at me as if I held all the answers he sought.

“But you can take time to think carefully about everything, Killian. You went through so much, so… I want you to be sure that you know what’s good for you.”

He took a deep breath and reached for me. Hinayaan ko lang s’yang yakapain ako at humilig pa sa dibdib n’ya.

We stayed in that position for a while. I was listening to the beating of his heart while Killian was kissing my hair before burying his face and inhaling my scent. Para bang sa paraang iyon ay makakalma s’ya. As I felt calm at that very moment too.

“He told me my birth name,” he said.

“Talaga?” Tiningala ko s’ya. “Ano’ng birth name mo?”

He kissed my forehead first before looking at me.

“Arcangelo… Rossetti.”

Noong una ay nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. And then I bit my lower lip, trying to stop my smile.

“Yeah, I know,” pabuntong-hiningang sabi n’ya.

“I’m not laughing!”

He scowled at me.

“Wala naman akong sinabing tumatawa ka.”

Hindi ko na napigilan at tuluyan nang natawa. I couldn’t help it! The name was good but…

“And she said she wasn’t laughing,” Killian mumbled at mas lumakas pa ang tawa ko.

“I’m sorry! It was just…” Hirap na hirap akong pigilan ang tawa ko. “I mean… you’re Killian! And Arcangelo? Kill and angel!”

“I’m glad my name could make you fucking laugh like that,” he sarcastically said.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Eto na, titigil na nga,” natatawa pa ring sabi ko.

Killian just stared at me while laughing. Parang hinihintay lang n’yang matapos akong tumawa. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

“But Rossetti?” I said. “Italian?”

He nodded.

“Apparently, I’m Italian.”

I nodded. I don’t mind. Wala sa akin kung sino pa s’ya. I already learned to accept all of him. At kahit ano pang malaman ko tungkol sa akin.

Muli akong natawa. Killian glared at me. Mukhang alam kung ano na namang pinagtatawanan ko.

“Sobrang opposite lang kasi nila,” sabi ko pa sa gitna ng tawa ko. “Like north and south! What are the odds?”

Biglang gumalaw si Killian at napatili pa ako. Sinubukan kong lumayo sa kanya pero mabilis n’ya akong nahuli. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him as he laid down on the sofa. Napaibabaw ako sa kanya. Sinubukan kong umalis pero mas humigpit lang ang mga braso n’ya sa bewang ko.

“Stay still,” he said. Inayos pa ang pwesto ko sa ibabaw n’yaa.

I felt awkward at first. But then I felt his hand caressing my back, soothing me. Slowly, I relaxed myself on top of him, bathing in his scent and warmth.

I missed this. I missed feeling his warmth. I missed him so much.

“You can laugh anytime, Irina,” he said. “I missed hearing your laugh. I missed everything about you…”

I smiled. Tiningala ko s’ya. Ipinatong ko ang baba ko sa dibdib n’ya.

“You know that I accept all of you, right?” I said. “I accept everything about you.”

Noong una ay tahimik lang. His lips parted and he stared down at me. Parang naniniguro pa sa narinig.

And then he showed me a smirk. But his eyes were telling me all the things he felt.

He kissed my forehead before he relaxed himself on the sofa. Humilig din ako sa dibdib n’ya at pumikit.

I’ve never felt so secure again… I love this man so much.

When the doorbell rang the next day, inaasahan ko nang si Killian ’yon. I told Daria na ako na ang magbubukas ng pinto. I felt excited meeting him again. Mas excited pa nga yata ako kay Kaz.

I don’t know… It felt as if our hearts got connected again after what happened last night.

Malaki pa nga ang ngiti ko nang buksan ko ang pinto. But instead of Killian, an unfamiliar man was standing outside my door.

Kinabahan agad ako. My instinct told me to close the door and securely lock it. As the man had the same aura I felt from Serj. He had the same aura as Killian… like those men in the mafia.

He’s dangerous.

Pero natigilan ako nang mapatitig sa mukha n’ya. He looked familiar… I felt like I’d seen him before.

Where…?

The man smiled at me. His hazel eyes were staring straight at me. And right then, a memory flashed in my mind.

He was the same man I saw sa fashion exhibit na nadaanan ko sa mall back in the Philippines.

Now, I understand why he felt familiar back then too. Aside from having a threatening presence as well, he resembled someone.

“Nice to formally meet you, Irina,” he said, stretching a hand out for a handshake. “Apologies for having this… unannounced visit.”

He had an accent. Especially in ’r, rolling his tongue with the words. Bigla kong naisip si Kazimir who was still having a hard time making the letter’s sound.

“Who…?”

Hindi ko tinanggap ang pakikipag-kamay n’ya. I was still holding the doorknob, ready to slam the door in his face anytime.

The man just casually pulled his hand back and put his hands inside the pockets of his pants.

“I’m Arcangelo’s brother. But you know him as Killian.”

Napakurap ako.

“Oh…” I didn’t know what to say!

He tilted his head to the side and gave me a smile. He was smiling but… I felt chills run down my spine.

“My name’s Vittorio Rossetti, the head of the Cosa Nostra.”

Chapter 55

Cosa Nostra. I think I came across that word when I was searching for information about the mafia. Cosa Nostra is the Sicilian Mafia. The Italian Mafia. The head was called “don.”

I remember that I was amazed at that time when I found out that there was also a mafia in Italy. I thought it was just in Russia. And apparently, hindi lang din sa Russia at Italy, there was in New York too. And the Irish Mafia also exists.

I bet that if I researched more, marami pang lalabas. Marami pa akong malalaman. I even learned those who are in the mafia are called ‘made men.’ But because I just wanted to know about Killian’s work at that time, I focused my research more on the Bratva, the Russian Mafia.

But to think that the head of the Italian Mafia, the Cosa Nostra, was right in front of me, I was taken aback. I couldn’t actually believe it. My mind seemed to fail to function kaya nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa lalaking nasa harapan ko.

What the fuck? What the hell is happening? My mind couldn’t grasp that I met both the leaders of the Bratva and the Cosa Nostra! I couldn’t believe that I would get entangled in the Russian and Italian mafia in this lifetime!

And what did he say? He’s Killian’s brother? I noticed he pronounced every syllable of his name when he introduced himself. Vit-to-ri-o.

Vittorio Rossetti…

What the actual fuck…

With Serj and Vittorio… then Killian’s brothers are both the heads of the Russian and Italian mafia?

Why am I surrounded by made men?

Ah… That’s right. Since I met Killian, my life has become… chaotic. Hindi naging normal ang buhay ko mula noon. I learned many things and experienced many things. Things that opened my eyes to reality, to what was really happening in the world.

Because of Killian, I became surrounded by things related to the mafia. To think that his real family was the mafia as well, hindi na nga lang Russian but Italian na ngayon.

“What are you…” I trailed off. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng dapat sabihin ko.

“Did I scare you? I didn’t mean to scare you.”

He said that but he was still smiling. There was really something so freaking terrifying about his smile. In the fashion industry, models rarely smile on the runway or in a photoshoot. Kaya kung minsan, natutuwa akong makita kapag nakita ang mga tao.

But I’ve never met someone in my entire life who I would hate seeing his smile. I wasn’t even sure if that was his real smile. I couldn’t even see any malice on his face. He was just… smiling, but… fuck… Hindi ko alam. Nakakatakot talaga ang ngiti n’ya. Kaya nga mas humigpit pa ang kapit ko sa doorknob.

I now realize why he felt so familiar when I first saw him. He’s Killian’s brother. They are both so freaking frightening.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

I know I was being rude pero ayoko talagang bitiwan ang pinto. It wasn’t like the door could protect me. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take a step if I tried to get away from him. Mahuhuli n’ya agad ako. He could easily be hurt.

But I wanted to buy time. I know Killian would visit today. I just needed to hang in there until Killian got here.

“I want to meet my sister-in-law formally!”

I blinked.

“Your what?”

“I was itching to introduce myself back then in the mall, but I overheard you speaking with one of the exhibitors and assumed you were hiding. So, I pretended not to know instead.”

He was… odd. The whole time he was speaking, there wasn’t any emotion in his eyes. No. Not just when talking but he was like that. Kahit pa noong unang nakita ko s’ya sa mall. Nakita s’ya pero walang emosyon ang mga mata n’ya.

And I don’t know… I think that was scarier. He was hard to read. I don’t think anyone could ever read him. Nobody could ever tell what his next move would be.

“Perhaps I thought wrong?” he asked when I didn’t say anything. “Were you not hiding that time?”

“No, uhm…” I tried to search for what to say. “I wouldn’t say I was hiding. More like… I didn’t want anyone to know where I was at that time.”

“Hmm…” He seemed to ponder things. He even held his chin with his fingers. “But I did the right thing, pretending not to know you back then, right?”

“That’s why you told me I was lying when you approached me… Because you already know who I am.”

He didn’t say anything and just smiled at me. I gulped down the nervousness I felt. I think his smile was more frightening than the scariest movie I’d ever watched.

“But I conversed with the man in Filipino.” I watched him cautiously. “Nakakaintindi ka ng Tagalog.”

It wasn’t a question dahil alam ko na rin naman ang sagot. And Vittorio seemed to know that I had already come to a conclusion. He gave me a sly smile. The look in his eyes turned so menacing that I almost slammed the door right then.

“You’re smart, Signorina …”

Now, I was so sure that he didn’t come here bringing peace. Not with that look in his eyes. Especially not with that smile. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng kailangan n’ya. But I’d do everything to get away from him.

Nasa loob lang si Kazimir. I needed to protect my son. I needed to buy time before Killian would get here.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I asked. Naintindihan n’ya ang pinag-usapan naming ng lalaki noon sa fashion exhibit kaya sigurado akong fluent ang Tagalog n’ya.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“I wanted to formally meet you… with the hopes that I could also see my nephew.”

No way in the damnest hell.

“Alam ba ’to ni Killian?”

He smiled at me.

“I’m afraid not.”

There was a certain gracefulness and charm in his every move. He seemed so polite, like a true gentleman. It was obvious that he learned proper etiquette. One would even think of him as a noble.

Anyone could be deceived by him.

He was so different from his brother. While Killian looked so threatening with just one look, Vittorio seemed calm. With Killian, one would know that he was savage, as if he was always craving for violence. But Vittorio, while he also had that foreboding aura around him, natatakluban iyon ng kilos at pananalita n’ya. You’d lower your guard the more you talked to him. You would think that a gentleman like him would be harmless until you felt comfortable and safe around him.

And I think that was what made him even more dangerous. You’d just be surprised that he had already killed you.

“Rio.”

I almost sighed in relief when I heard that voice kahit hindi ko pa s’ya nakikita. I was sure that it was Killian. Pareho kaming napatingin ni Vittorio sa kanya na naglalakad na palapit sa ’min. Hindi ko man lang napansin ang pagdating n’ya as I was so nervous with the man in front of me.

Killian seemed to be checking on me while walking. Parang sinisigurong walang kahit anong galos sa katawan ko. Mabilis s’yang tumabi sa ’kin. He even held my hand before looking at his brother.

“The fuck are you doing here?”

Rio just chuckled. He didn’t seem offended that his brother made him feel unwelcome.

“Gusto ko lang silang makilala…”

Bahagya pa akong nagulat sa pagsasalita ng Tagalog ni Rio even though it was clear to me that he could understand the language. I just didn’t know that he could speak it so well. And it seemed like Killian already knew about it, as he just kept on scowling at his brother.

Now that I looked at the two of them, I noticed that they were of the same height. Magkasing-katawan din sila. I could also see the resemblance on their faces.

“You scared her. I haven’t told her everything yet.” Killian looked really pissed.

“Then now’s the best time to tell her everything, don’t you think?”

Killian muttered a curse. He held Rio’s hand, and I think it was a bit tight but I didn’t see any discomfort on Rio’s face. He was still smiling. Para bang hindi man lang s’ya naapektuhan sa galit ni Killian ngayon.

“What are you planning?” I could hear the threat in Killian’s voice.

But Rio just smiled. Nakita ko pa ang mabagal n’yang pagsulyap sa ’kin bago muling ibinalik ang tingin kay Killian. This time, I saw a glint of interest in his eyes. As if he had just found something that could entertain him.

Nakita kong mas humigpit pa ang kapit ni Killian sa braso ng kapatid. Napansin ko rin na parang nagngangalit ang mga ugat sa kamay n’ya. But Rio chuckled. Mukhang hindi man lang nasaktan.

“Killian. Let him go.”

Pareho kami ni Killian na napatingin kay Serj na papalapit sa ’min. I think Killian was as surprised as me to see his other brother here. There was a frown on his face as he looked at Serj.

What the hell is happening?

“Boss…”

This time, it was Rio who frowned. “Boss?”

“It’s alright. He’s with me,” sabi ni Serj nang makalapit sa ’min.

“Why are you both here? You didn’t tell me you’d be here today, boss.” Binitiwan n ani Killian si Rio.

Rio looked at me. Mas lalong lumalim ang pagkakakunot ng noo n’ya.

“Why is he calling him boss?”

I blinked. “Huh?”

“Is this how Russians address their brothers?”

I pursed my lips. I should correct him. But the overwhelming feeling that I shouldn’t be around these three men was so strong. Para bang hindi dapat magsama ang tatlong lalaking ’to as everyone would run away when they saw them! Walang magtatangkang lumapit sa kanila?

So, what the hell am I still doing here? Bakit ba ako naipit sa ganitong sitwasyon?

“I apologize for not telling you beforehand of our visit, Irina,” Serj said before he took a deep breath. “We just have something I want to talk about with both of you.”

Nagkatinginan kami ni Killian. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano’ng gagawin ko. This was just so… sudden. I mean, the Bratva and Cosa Nostra’s heads were here! In my place! I haven’t prepared anything for them!

Killian was just looking at me, waiting for my reaction. I knew he didn’t want the two to be here but he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t just ask the two of them to leave, given that… the two men were both the heads of the Russian and Italian mafia. They were both his brothers but that didn’t change the fact that they were still superior to him. And Killian knew that. He didn’t forget about that. That was why he was still calling Serj ‘boss.’

But I think that if I told Killian that I was uncomfortable, he’d do something to make them leave. But he’d be reprimanded for it. I was fine with Serj and I think he would understand and would even be considerate of me. But I wasn’t sure about Rio. Not with the smile still plastered on his lips.

I took a deep breath. I told Killian that I’d accept all of him. Kaya hinanda ko na rin ang sarili ko sa mga bagay nag anito.

“Alright… Let’s go inside then.”

Mukhang nagulat pa si Killian. Hinawakan pa ang kamay ko at hinarap ako.

“Irina…”

“It’s fine, Killian… They’re your brothers. Nandito na lang din naman sila, why not invite them inside? And I think Kaz will be delighted to meet his uncles too.”

I could see that he was against him, so I smiled at him and squeezed his hand to reassure him. I looked at Rio and Serj.

“Please, make yourself at home.”

Niluwagan ko na ang pagkakabukas ng pinto at pinapasok sila. I waited for them to hang their coat and scarf on the coat hanger before I guided them inside my place. Si Killian ay nakahawak pa rin sa kamay ko kaya nang makapasok na kami sa living room ay agad na tumayo si Kaz mula sa paglalaro n’ya, sasalubungin yata kami. But he stopped when he saw the men following behind us.

He gripped the hem of his shirt. Parang gustong lumapit sa ’min pero nag-aalangan dahil sa dalawang lalaking nakasunod sa ’min. Killian let go of my hand and spread his arms for Kaz.

“Come here, Kaz…”

Kaz quickly stepped towards his arms. Halos tumakbo pa sa bisig ng ama para magpabuhat. Killian carried him in his arms and as soon as Kaz settled, mabilis n’yang hinawakan ang isang kamay ko. And I was so grateful for that. It was as if he was silently telling me that he’d protect us. Even though it felt like there wasn’t any danger right now.

Hindi ko pa kilala si Rio at hindi ko alam kung ano’ng dahilan n’ya kung bakit s’ya nandito ngayon. Pero may pakiramdam akong wala s’yang gagawing masama kay Kazimir. Especially with Serj here and with Killian scowling at him.

“Is this him?” Serj asked and I saw him looking at me.

I smiled and nodded.

“Yes… His name’s Kazimir.” I looked at my son. Mahigpit ang hawak n’ya sa damit ng ama. “Kaz, this is your Uncle Serj and Uncle Vitto—”

“Please… Call me Rio, Signorina. “

Rio smiled at me. Killian and he resemble each other, yet their smiles are really different. Killian only smiles when he is truly happy but frequently smirks instead, whereas Rio’s smile is never genuine.

“These are your Uncle Serj and Uncle Rio,” I said to Kaz.

I could almost see question marks on Kaz’s head when he looked at me.

“Uncles?”

I smiled at him. “Yes… They are your daddy’s brothers.”

Mukhang mas lalo lang yatang naguluhan si Kaz. He tilted his head, curiously looking at me.

“What’s bwother? “

Oh, this is hard…

I pursed my lips, thinking about how I would explain it to him. I looked at the three men, hoping that someone would jump in and explain it instead. Pero nakatingin lang din sa ’kin ang tatlo. Parang inaabangan pa nga kung ano’ng sasabihin ko.

I almost rolled my eyes at them. Nginitian ko na lang si Kaz.

“It means they have the same mommy and daddy.”

I immediately looked at Serj and mouthed ‘sorry’ at him. He didn’t look offended and just nodded at him. Mukha pa ngang pinipigilan n’yang ngumiti dahil nahihirapan ako ngayon. While Rio didn’t even try to hide his chuckle. Hindi ko na lang pinansin at tumingin na ulit kay Kaz.

I mean… I wanted to explain Serj and Killian’s circumstances but I think it’ll be too much for a two-and-a-half-year-old kid. Saka ko na lang ipaliliwanag ng ayos kapag mas maiintindihan na n’ya. And of course, hindi sa ganitong nakakabiglang paraan. I think it’d be a long conversation as well, and I was sure that Kaz would have a lot of questions.

“ Tyotya Yulia… “ hirap na hirap na bigkas ni Kaz. “Mommy’s bwother ?”

“No… Because she’s a girl, she’s Mommy’s sister.”

Ilang sandaling natahimik si Kaz. I could almost see his mind working.

“Boy… bwother . Girl… sister?”

I gave him a sweet smile.

“That’s correct!” Hinawakan ko ang magkabilang pisngi n’ya. “Not only our Kaz is cute but he’s also smart! Mommy is so proud!”

Kaz giggled. I was glad na nawala na ang pagkailang at gulat na naramdaman n’ya kanina. He was smiling so wide now!

“Kaz want bwother !”

Uh… Huh…?

Narinig ko ang malakas na tawa ni Rio, mukhang hindi na talaga napigilan. While Serj chuckled and tapped Killian on the back. Hindi naman ako makatingin kay Killian na alam kong nakatitig sa ’kin.

At si Kaz naman! He had this innocent look on his face! Ang ganda pa ng pagkakangiti. He even looked excited as if what he was asking for was just a toy that I could buy any time for him! Wala man lang kamalay-malay kung ano’ng sitwasyon ko ngayon!

Oh, my gosh, please… I knew I was blushing so hard. Bakit ba kasi ganito ang hiningi ng anak ko? Ngayon pa talaga kung kailan may mga bisita kami! And not just anyone but Killian’s brothers! The Russian and Italian mafia bosses!

“Our Kaz is indeed smart,” narinig ko pang sabi ni Rio. Sinamaan ko s’ya ng tingin but he just smiled at me. Nilapitan n’ya si Kaz. “And because of that, I have a gift for you.”

“A gift?” Kaz looked excited.

“Yes!” Inilabas ni Rio mula sa bulsa n’ya ang isang teddy bear chocolate lollipop. Nakabalot sa plastic ang chocolate and it was tied with a ribbon. “Here’s your prize for being smart.”

“Wow!” Mabilis na kinuha ni Kaz ang lollipop.

“Do you like it?”

“Yes!” Kaz smiled at him. “Thank chuu… Uncle Wiyo… “

“You’re welcome.”

“Oh, I have a gift for Kazimir as well,” sabi ni Serj at nakangiti s’yang binalingan ni Kaz. “I heard you like cream puffs.”

“Kaz like kwim puff!” halos sumigaw na ang anak ko.

Serj smiled at him.

“I’m glad. Then I’ll just call my… friend to get the cream puffs. He has them. He’s outside.”

“Yes!” Kaz stretched his arms for Serj. Nagpapakuha. “Please, Uncle Selsh …”

Natatawa naman s’yang kinuha ni Serj. He took out his phone and called someone.

I couldn’t believe that my Kazimir got enticed with just cream puffs. Sumama talaga sa taong ngayon n’ya lang nakilala.

But then he relaxed, as he knew they were his dad’s brothers.

“Ouch… I think my lollipop got defeated.”

Natawa ako sa sinabi ni Rio. He even acted as if he was in grief. Napatingin s’ya sa ’kin nang marinig ang tawa ko. Then, he smiled at me.

“I’m glad the Signorina doesn’t seem wary of me anymore.”

“Rio.” It was Killian. Parang sinasaway ang kapatid. Lumapit pa sa ’kin at hinapit ako sa bewang.

Rio just smiled. Napailing na lang.

“He’s dangerous. Stay away from him,” sabi sa ’kin ni Killian.

Napangiti na lang din ako. I wanted to tell him that he was too and that Rio was his brother pero niyakap ko na lang s’ya sa bewang.

“I know… But I also know you’re here and will protect me if anything happens.”

Ilang sandaling tumitig sa ’kin si Killian. He then kissed me on my forehead.

“Of course, Irina… I’ll protect you and Kazimir.”

Mas lalo akong napangiti. I kissed him on the cheek bago ako kumalas sa kanya.

“Who’s the friend? Why he’s outside?” tanong ni Rio nang ibinaba na ni Serj ang tawag.

“Nikolaj.” Serj looked at me. “I didn’t want to surprise the child by having many strangers in your home.”

I smiled at him. “Thank you.”

When the doorbell rang, si Killian na ang nagpunta sa may pinto. It was probably Nikolaj as when he got back, he was already holding a box of chocolate cream puffs.

“ Kwim puffs !“ Kaz wiggled in Serj’s arms. Ibinaba naman s’ya ni Serj at mabilis na tumakbo sa ama. “Thank chuu , Uncle Selsh !”

“Daria…”

Nakita ko si Daria na mukhang kanina pa naninilip mula sa kusina. May halong pagkalito at paghanga sa mukha n’ya dahil sa mga bisita.

“Can you take Kaz with you?” Binalingan ko si Kazimir. “Kaz, you can eat cream puffs with Daria. But you can only eat three, okay?”

“Okay, Mommy…”

“Would you like some refreshments?” tanong ko kina Rio at Serj nang maiwan na kaming apat sa sala.

“It’s alright, Signorina. This will be quick. We don’t want to impose.”

Tumango na lang ako at in-offer na sa kanila ang long sofa. While I was seated on the one-seater sofa. Ang akala ko ay sa katapat kong one-seater sofa rin mauupo si Killian but he sat on the arm rest where I was sitting instead. Mukhang ayaw malayo sa ’kin. He even took my hand and held it with both hands.

Although, I was glad. Gusto ko ring nasa malapit si Killian habang kausap sila. I didn’t think we would have a simple talk anyway.

“I’d like to apologize again for my sudden visit, Signorina. However, I am glad I did so as I met the Signorina again and my nephew.” Rio gave me a polite smile.

“Sa akin? Wala kang sasabihin?” Halata ko ang inis sa boses ni Killian.

Rio looked at him.

“You have a cute son.”

Mukhang mas lalong nainis si Killian doon. I heard him gritting his teeth.

“You’re not going to fucking apologize to me?”

“No, my brother. I won’t apologize for something I intended to do.”

“You, fucking asshole—”

“Enough,” pigil ni Serj sa dalawa. “We’re here to talk. I’m not here to be your fucking referee.”

Rio just smiled as if he wasn’t bothered by Killian’s anger. While Killian looked as if he wanted to bash Rio’s head on the table. I squeezed his hand to make him calm down. Narinig ko naman ang buntong-hininga n’ya.

“What would you like to talk about?” I asked. Sa tingin ko kasi ay magtatalo pa sina Killian at Rio kapag hindi pa ako nagsalita.

I didn’t know why but Killian seemed not to… like his brother. Does it have to do with him being in the Bratva while Rio was in the Cosa Nostra? Magkaaway ba ang Russian and Italian mafia? But Serj and Rio looked like they were okay.

Or maybe… it was personal. Come to think of it, hindi pa nga naikukwento sa ’kin ni Killian ang lahat. Lalo na ang tungkol sa pamilya n’ya. Hindi ko naman s’ya pipilitin as I think it was hard for him too.

“I told Signorina that I am the head of the Cosa Nostra, right? Do you know what that means?”

I nodded at Rio.

“Yes. You’re the boss of the Italian mafia. The Don of the Sicilian Mafia.”

Rio smiled at me. His dark eyes somewhat looked amused.

“I’m impressed. It seems like Signorina knows us. Did my brother teach you that?”

“No… When I found out that Killian was in the mafia, I researched about it. I didn’t know much about the Cosa Nostra. I just came across a bit of information when I was looking about the Bratva.”

“Ah… the internet doesn’t give any justification for who we truly are, Irina… Do not believe everything that is in the media or on the internet,” Serj said.

“Then, am I wrong?” I asked.

“No, Signorina . What you said is correct. The Rossetti Family, aside from having noble blood, also leads the Cosa Nostra. I am currently the acting don and the head of the Italian mafia.”

Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang kabang bigla kong naramdaman. Mas lumala pa ’yon nang maramdaman kong humigpit ang hawak ni Killian sa kamay.

“I’m sorry…” I wet my lips. “I don’t understand why you’re telling me this.”

Rio stared at me. Wala na ang mapagpanggap na ngiti na laging nasa mga labi n’ya simula nang pagbuksan ko s’ya ng pinto. And the seriousness on his face just added to the budding fear I was feeling inside.

“You know that Arcangelo—Killian is my biological brother. He is one year older than me.”

“Rio.” Killian jaw moved as he clenched his teeth so hard that I was afraid he was hurting himself. “I told you I wouldn’t fucking accept it.”

“Father was going to start training you as the heir before you disappeared. And now that I’ve found you, I should give back what was originally yours.” Hindi man lang nabawasan ang kaseryosohan sa mga mat ani Rio nang lingunin si Killian.

“Shut the fuck up, Rio!”

“Killian Romanov, you are Arcangelo Rossetti. You are the true head of the Cosa Nostra. This position is yours from the moment you are born.”

Maingay akong napasinghap.

“What…?”

His eyes turned cold.

“And your son, Kazimir Rossetti, will be the future head of the Cosa Nostra.”

Chapter 56

I just kept staring at Rio. He said something and I knew based on his serious expression, that he wouldn’t repeat it. He wouldn’t even try to explain it to me more clearly as the words he used were unfamiliar. He knew anyway that I understood what he said. That was what his eyes were telling me right now as he stared back at me. Parang pinapanood n’ya kung ano’ng magiging reaksyon ko.

But I didn’t know how to react. What he said was too much. As if he just loaded me with all the information without thinking if I could take it all at once. Sunod-sunod ang mga impormasyong sinabi n’ya na hindi man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataong makahinga sa bawat katotohanang lumabas sa bibig n’ya.

He didn’t care how the truth would affect me. He just wanted to know how I would react. And I think… I think he would enjoy it if it would damage me if I was wrecked after what I’ve heard.

So, this is how it is. Tama ako sa naramdaman ko sa kanya kanina. He was waiting for me to be comfortable with his presence. To think of him as a harmless person. That was why he told me earlier that he was glad I wasn’t wary of him anymore. And when my guard was down because of Kaz, he attacked me with the truth. He knew it would wreck me. He used my son to hurt me.

Vittorio Rossetti is a terrifying man.

I felt Killian’s grip on my hand tighten. I could feel the tension in his hold. His anxiety. Hindi lang ako naapektuhan sa sinabi ni Rio, pati na rin si Killian.

And Rio knew that. I didn’t know why but I felt like he was watching a play. And Killian and I were the actors.

I fucking hate him. I hate him for saying my son’s name with that mouth.

No… Not my Kazimir…

“Do not involve my son in this.” I was gritting my teeth so hard. Hirap na hirap akong pigilan ang galit ko. “Do not even mention his name.”

Rio scoffed which made me angrier. Walang nakakatawa sa sinabi ko pero para bang tinatawanan n’ya ako.

“ Signorina … your son’s father is my brother. He is involved in this whether you like it or not, as he will lead the Cosa Nostra in the future.“

“How dare you tell me what my son’s future will be…” Halos maiyak na ako sa sobrang galit. “I know how dangerous your lives are. I’ve experienced it firsthand. At hindi ko hahayaang mapahamak ang anak ko!”

I didn’t want to mention it. Not with Killian here. Ayoko nang balikan ang nangyari noon pero hindi ko maiwasan ngayon. Rio triggered those memories. Natakot ako para sa anak ko. And I got more scared when he said that Kazimir would be the future head of the Italian mafia.

“It’s because my brother is just a member of the Bratva. He didn’t have enough to protect you.”

“I hope you didn’t mean that unless you’re the Pakhan , we couldn’t protect those people who are important to us. The Bratva is not that weak, Rio.”

Napatingin ako kay Serj na kanina pa tahimik. He sounded calm when he said those words but the look in his eyes was different. He was looking at Rio, giving him a warning with his cold blue eyes. Na para bang kapag may sinabi pa si Rio na hindi n’ya nagustuhan, he wouldn’t think twice to show him how powerful he was.

Rio looked back at Serj. There was amusement in his eyes. I was so sure that he would challenge Serj just to have more entertainment. But he smiled instead.

“Apologies. It wasn’t my intention to insult the Bratva.” His smile faded. “But I couldn’t help but wonder… If the Bratva did a good job of protecting the Signorina , then it shouldn’t have happened to her, right?”

Serj chuckled. Nanindig ang mga balahibo ko sa tawa n’ya. I almost forgot how terrifying Serj was too that I almost cower in front of him whenever I see him. But because he helped me a lot, I got comfortable with him and even treated him as an older brother. And he never really tried to intimidate even back then, but still… he was frightening.

And I saw it again. With just his eyes, with just his chuckle, with the way he tilted his head to the side as he looked at Rio, it was enough for me to tremble in my seat. Napahigpit tuloy ang kapit ko sa kamay ni Killian.

“I admit that we failed to protect Irina at that time. An innocent got involved. In this kind of life, danger always follows us. There are things that we couldn’t prevent no matter how much we prepared for them. And I’m sure you know exactly what I meant, Rio.” Serj gave him a taunting smile. “That’s why you are here, right? Because the Cosa Nostra lost their heir many years ago.”

Rio was just staring at Serj at first. But then his lips broke into a smile before he chuckled as if something had amused him. He tilted his head to the side and cocked an eyebrow at Serj.

“Hmm…?”

“Ah, apologies.” It was so obvious that Serj tried to feign innocence. “It wasn’t my intention to insult the Cosa Nostra.”

Only a dumb person would believe that. Serj got back to Rio for insulting the Bratva earlier. Of course, as the head of the Bratva, he wouldn’t let him off easily.

I thought Rio and Serj got along well. I was even surprised as they were both the heads of the Russian and Italian mafia. Ang akala ko kasi, magkalaban ang dalawa.

But I guess they were just… trying to be civil with each other.

Thanks to them, I managed to calm my anger down. I could think more clearly now. Hindi katulad kanina na pinapanganuhan ako ng emosyon ko at kulang na lang ay masampal ko si Rio sa sobrang galit ko.

I’ve said it before. Ayoko nang pangunahan ako ng emosyon ko. Things didn’t end well whenever I let my emotions rule me.

“ Signorina ,“ Rio called me. “Your son will have a lot of protection once my brother accepts his role.”

“Then they will have a lot of enemies too.” Nararamdaman ko na naman ang galit ko. “From what I’ve heard from Serj, the real reason why Killian got kidnapped back then was because he was the future head, right? How the hell can you assure me that the same thing won’t happen to my child?”

“We will do everything in our power to make sure that he will be protected—”

“Fuck. Off. Rio.”

I looked at Killian. He was looking at Rio with no emotions in his eyes. But the anger resonating in him could be felt in the entire room. Kanina pa s’ya tahimik and I guess it was because he was trying to suppress his anger. But he couldn’t do it anymore. He was even holding my hand tightly as if it was the only thing that was preventing him from snapping.

“I already fucking told you that I won’t fucking accept it. What part of that you couldn’t fucking understand?”

“The position is yours.” Rio was still calm. Hindi man lang naapektuhan sa galit ni Killian. “You are Rossetti’s first-born son.”

Napatayo na si Killian sa sobrang galit.

“I am not a Rossetti! My name is Killian Romanov. Bear in your fucking mind that I have nothing to do with that family anymore.”

Napansin ko ang paggalaw ni Serj kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. He was looking down but he did it to hide his smirk. He even chuckled softly. In the end, he hid it by crossing his arms on his chest and covering his lips with his knuckles.

“And don’t ever involve my son in this shit again,” Killian continued. “He is Kazimir Romanov. My son. You don’t have any fucking right to tell us who he will be.”

With that, Killian took me with him as he walked away from the living room. I didn’t even look back as we ascended the stairs. I wanted to get away from that as well.

I didn’t think I was needed there anyway. Killian already told Rio what his decision was. Although he was his biological brother, Killian had the right to choose.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ginusto pa akong kausapin ni Rio tungkol doon. Did he think Killian would change his mind just because I was there? And did he also think that I would be happy knowing Kazimir was supposed to be the future head of the Cosa Nostra and would talk to Killian to just accept it?

Rio knew my story. Halatang may alam s’ya. The Mafia has this uncanny way of knowing things they want to know. Kaya alam kong may ideya rin s’yang mahigit dalawang taon akong nagtago sa Pilipinas just to get away from Killian, from the life he has. I didn’t even tell him about our son.

I was sure he knew that. So, I really didn’t know why he even wanted to talk with me about it. Isinama n’ya pa talaga si Serj ngayon.

Killian led us to my workroom. Binitiwan n’ya agad ang kamay ko nang makapasok kami. He started pacing back and forth, raking his hair with his fingers in frustration. As if he was restless. As if something was bothering him and he needed to calm down.

Tahimik lang akong umupo sa sofang nandoon at pinanood s’ya. He looked frustrated. Ngayon ko lang s’yang nakitang ganitong problemado. I could almost feel his anxiousness that he didn’t even try to hide it on his handsome face.

Why…? Why is it that… every time things were finally okay between us, there would be another problem that would arise? Para bang hindi kami binibigyan ng pagkakataong tuluyang sumaya. As if something was preventing us from being… together.

It was as if he could sense what I was thinking, Killian stopped and looked at me. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng ekspresyon ang ipinapakita ko sa mukha ko. But I saw panic in his eyes as soon as he saw my face. Nagmamadali s’yang lumapit sa ’kin at lumuhod sa harap ko para magpantay ang tingin namin.

“Irina…”

He didn’t say anything. Nagpalipat-lipat lang ang tingin n’ya sa mga mata ko. Parang inaalam kung ano’ng iniisip ko. I could see fear in his eyes.

I really hate seeing him like this. But I didn’t know what I should say. Hindi pa rin tumitino sa isip ko ang mga nalaman ko kanina. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan ang lahat. It was so hard to try to understand everything, especially when my son was involved.

Natatakot akong mapahamak ang anak ko. He was just a baby. Pero ang kaalamang may ganoong buhay na naghihintay sa kanya, natatakot ako. It was so frightening. And I knew that Killian was having a hard time too but I didn’t have the heart to comfort him.

“Kaz just recently learned how to talk, Killian…” My voice was trembling. “Hindi pa nga s’ya makapagsalita nang maayos.”

“I know…” He nodded. He was trying to act like everything was fine. “We’re here to guide him.”

“There are so many things he needs to learn.”

“And we will teach him… Tayong dalawa ang magtuturo sa kanya, Irina.”

I stared at him. He wanted to reassure me pero kitang-kita ko naman ang takot sa mga mata n’ya. Halos maiyak ako roon. Para kasing natatakot s’ya sa mga sasabihin ko. And he wanted to know what I was going to say kaya hindi n’ya inaalis ang tingin sa mga mata ko. Even though it might hurt. But he didn’t look away. So, he could at least prepare himself for the pain.

God… He had been through so much and I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. I wanted him to be happy. Pero bakit ang hirap-hirap ibigay ’yon sa kanya? Bakit ang hirap-hirap para sa ’min ang maging masaya?

“Killian… I want Kaz to have a happy and innocent childhood.”

“I want that for our son as well… And we will give him that, Irina. He’ll experience a normal childhood; I promise you that.”

He kept on saying ‘we.’ Because he wanted to involve himself. As if it pained him to think that he wouldn’t be included. I finally understood where that fear I saw in his eyes was coming from.

Nakita kong hirap na hirap s’yang napalunok. Ang mga kamay ay umangat pero muli ring ibinaba. Parang natatakot na hawakan ako at mas gusto na lang na titigan ako.

And it hurts me so much. It was so different from his old self. Iyong ginagawa na lang ang gusto n’ya without thinking of consequences. And it just proved to me how scared he felt right now. Kasi alam kong hindi n’ya ganitong kadaling pinapakita ang takot n’ya. And I’m doing this to him. God… I hate hurting him.

“What about what Rio said?” I asked. “We can’t just ignore that.”

“We can. I already told him that I wouldn’t accept the position. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa s’ya nagpunta dito ngayon.”

“He is here because there’s something about it! Ibig sabihin lang no’n na hindi mo pwedeng balewalain ’yon basta.”

“I am not the one he’s looking for! I’m not Arcangelo Rossetti. Hindi ako ang kailangan n’ya.”

Fuck, I didn’t know what to think anymore. I was happy for him when he told me he had met his real family. Pero hindi na iyon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. And I felt so bad for thinking like this.

Ah… so that was why he told me he didn’t know what he would feel when he met his family. Kasi may ganito ring problema.

“Kazimir is a Romanov,” he said. “I promise you he won’t have Rossetti’s life. He won’t experience the same thing I did. You don’t have to worry about what Rio said.”

I bit my lower lip. They were still trembling. The pain in my chest intensified the more I looked into his eyes.

“I told you I accept all of you, Killian… But—”

“Irina,” mabilis na putol n’ya sa sasabihin ko. He looked alarmed. “Don’t say it.”

A sob escaped from my lips.

“I don’t think this is working for us—”

“Irina!”

Nanginginig ang mga kamay n’yang hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. He was trembling so much that tears fell from my eyes. He even crouched down so he could look more into my eyes. Mas lalo kong nakita ang takot sa mukha n’ya. And it hurts so much just to see him like this.

“I beg you, please… don’t throw me away again.”

Mas lalo lang akong naiyak sa sinabi n’ya. I didn’t want. Shit, I was happy again with him. Parang kahapon lang ang saya-saya o pang kasama s’ya. But what happened? Bakit binawi agad ’yon sa ’kin?

“Si Kazimir…” I was ugly crying. I was even sobbing so much. “Ayokong mapahamak ang anak ko. Not my son, please…”

“He is my son too, Irina… I will do everything to protect him. I will die for both of you.”

“Killian…”

“I already learned my lesson. Alam ko na ang gagawin ngayon para protektahan ko. I promise no harm will ever come to you again.”

Tears fell from his eyes. Mas lalo lang akong napaiyak dahil doon. I knew he was hurting so much and I couldn’t do anything about it.

Dinala n’ya ang mga kamay ko sa bibig n’ya at hinalikan iyon. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang panginginig ng mga labi n’ya.

“So, please… Please, take a risk on me again. Give me this chance. I beg you, love… Please…”

Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang umiyak na lang. I didn’t want to decide when I was this emotional. Ayokong magkamali na naman ako sa magiging desisyon ko.

If I were who I was before, I would accept Killian. I would take the risk. After all, I still love him. So much. Hindi nagbago ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

But I have Kazimir now. His safety comes before anything. He will always come first.

I knew he needed his father. But I didn’t want to risk his safety.

“Can you… can you give me some time to think?”

Mabilis na tumango si Killian. He hated waiting but he was willing to give me time again. Sa palagay ko ay kaya n’yang ibigay ang anumang hilingin ko ngayon.

“Alright…” Pinunasan n’ya ang mga luha ko. “I’ll wait, Irina… You know I’ll always wait for you.”

Tumayo s’ya. And I didn’t know what came over me but I held his wrist when he was about to take a step. I just… I didn’t want him to walk away feeling this hurt.

“You can play with Kazimir,” I said. “Dito lang muna ako.”

Ilang saglit s’yang nakatitig lang sa ’kin. There was pain and sadness in his eyes. I had to purse my lips as it started to tremble again.

He nodded.

“Alright…”

I tried to calm myself when I was finally alone. Ang dami kong kailangang isipin. I needed to think everything through. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali ng desisyon ngayon.

Everything was fine until Rio came. Kaz was happy with Killian. I was even willing to be with Killian again. Pero nawala ang lahat ng ’yon dahil sa mga sinabi ni Rio kanina.

Shit… He ruined everything. Now, I hated Rio even more.

But then… with what I’ve heard, I realized that Killian was meant to be in the mafia. Be it a Romanov or a Rossetti. It was his fate. Sa tingin ko rin naman at tanggap n’ya ’yon. He even told me that he accepted it and he didn’t have any complaints.

I accepted that. Iyon ang tanggap ko sa kanya. I accepted his dangerous life. I accepted who he was.

But I couldn’t accept that for my Kazimir. I couldn’t even imagine my son leading the Cosa Nostra where more danger awaits him. Ayokong s’yang masaktan. Ayoko s’yang mapahamak.

Shit… I didn’t know what to do now.

“Irina.”

Halos mapasigaw ako nang makarinig ng ibang boses sa loob ng kwartong ’yon. I was thinking so deep that I didn’t realize my surroundings. I saw Serj leaning on the doorjamb. Mukhang kanina pa nga s’ya nandoon.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said as he went inside. “I knocked, but I guess you didn’t hear it.”

Umupo s’ya sa tabi ko. This was what I meant when I said that I treated Serj as my older brother. S’ya lang kasi ang nakakausap ko sa mga ganito. And he was fair when giving advice.

“How are you feeling?”

I scowled at him. “Terrible.”

He nodded. Hindi s’ya nagsalita at hinayaan lang akong mag-isip. I guess he knew that there were so many things in my mind.

“Are you okay with Killian being the head of the Cosa Nostra?”

Ilang sandaling hindi nagsalita si Serj. Maya-maya ay bumuntong-hininga.

“No. I want him to stay in the Bratva. I want him to remain a Romanov.”

“But you didn’t say that earlier.”

“Killian needed to decide for himself. I didn’t want my selfishness to affect his decision.”

I smiled.

“You’re a good brother. Hindi katulad ni Rio.”

I just whispered the last words pero narinig naman ni Serj. Naintindihan n’ya rin dahil mahina s’yang natawa.

“I don’t think Rio meant any harm.”

Napasimangot ako sa kanya.

“Ano’ng hindi? He ruined everything!”

Binigyan n’ya pa ng lollipop si Kaz tapos biglang sasabihin na future head ng Cosa Nostra ang anak ko where so many dangers were waiting for him? Ano ’yung lollipop? Pampalubag-loob?

Serj chuckled. Natawa siguro sa reaksyon ko. Mas lalo tuloy akong napasimangot.

“I don’t think so… He even called me today so I would hear Killian’s decision.”

“Eh, ako? I don’t even think I was needed in that conversation.”

“Rio wanted you to know about Killian’s circumstances—about his birth. Killian was having a hard time telling you about it.”

Natahimik ako. I could understand why. Kasi alam ni Killian na ganito ang magiging reaksyon ko. He was afraid that I would decide that he wouldn’t be included in our lives. Kasi alam din ni Killian ang takot ko.

I took a deep breath. Hindi ko naman magawang magalit kanina. I saw how scared he was earlier. Hindi ko akalain makikitaan ko ng takot ang mga mata n’ya. He didn’t even look like someone who had a weakness. Pero kanina, kitang-kita ko ang kahinaan n’ya. He was always like that when it came to me.

“I guess things are not okay between you and Killian.”

Muli akong napabuntong-hininga sa sinabi ni Serj.

“I’m scared for Kazimir. Killian is the head of the Italian mafia. Alam kong marami silang kaaway at natatakot akong idamay nila ang anak ko.”

“But Killian refused that life, right? You heard him.”

“Pero ’yung sinabi ni Rio—”

“You don’t have to worry about Rio. Let me take care of that problem.”

Hindi ako nagsalita. Nag-aalangan pa rin ako. At siguro ay nahalata iyon ni Serj dahil napangiti s’ya. He even reached for the top of my head and patted me.

“Killian chose to be a Romanov. He is a Romanov. As well as your son. As the head of the Bratva, and as Killian’s brother, I will do everything in my power to ensure your family’s safety.”

“Serj…”

Goodness… I know he was helping me because of Killian, even before, but I couldn’t help but feel grateful for him.

“And if you’re worried about Kaz being in the Bratva in the future… I’ll only allow it with both of you and Killian’s permission.”

“He didn’t have to be in the Bratva?” paniniguro ko pa.

“Yes… You have my word.”

Nangilid ang mga luha ko. I was really glad that he’s Killian’s brother.

“Thank you, Serj…”

“In exchange… I want you to help Natalia. No… Just guide her.”

Mabilis akong tumango. Napangiti pa ako.

“Of course! I’ll gladly do it. That’s not even a favor.”

“She went back to the Philippines.”

Natigilan ako. Why would he…

My smile faded. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko dahil sa kaba. Suddenly, my happiness vanished just like that.

He wanted me to go to the Philippines.

“Serj, I don’t think Killian—”

“This will be my offer to Killian as well.”

Ang alin? Ang hayaan akong pumunta na naman sa Pilipinas? And what about Kazimir? Hindi ko ba kasama ang anak ko.

I shook my head. No. I don’t think I’ll accept it this time.

“Hear me out first,” he said. “You and Kazimir will go to the Philippines… with Killian.”

I blinked.

“What?”

Magaan na ngumiti sa ’kin si Serj. This time, I could see the genuineness in his eyes.

“I am… grateful that Killian chose to be a Romanov. I think I already took a lot from him. I even took those two years of you together.”

“But that’s… That is what was best for us at that time, Serj… You helped us.”

“Still, I wanted to repay him. By giving him time with his family. To have this break from everything. He deserves it.”

“Serj…” Naiiyak na naman ako.

He smiled at me. And I swear I will be forever grateful to this man.

“You all deserve it. Don’t you think so too, Irina?”

Chapter 57

I was staring intently at the dress that was on the torso mannequin in front of me. It was a white gown with a tube style. I stared at the accessories glued to the fabric of the bodice. Most were on the chest, fading downward before reaching the hips. The gown has a flowy skirt that reaches the floor.

“What do you think?”

I looked at Natalia. There was a nervousness etched on her beautiful face. Napangiti tuloy ako. Even now, I feel flattered whenever I am reminded that she idolizes me. Kaya siguro ganito s’yang kinakabahan ngayon sa magiging opinion ko.

“It looks great,” I said.

“But…?”

Mahina akong natawa. There was no need for her to get this nervous, really.

“Hmm…” Muli kong tintigan ang gown na s’ya mismo ang gumawa. “It’s beautiful but it doesn’t look balanced. This part here looks… plain. There’s something missing.” I pointed at the lower half of the gown.

“I knew it!” She even snapped her fingers. “That’s what I thought too. It looks good on the sketch pero parang may kulang na nu’ng nagawa ko na.”

Tinabihan n’ya ako at pareho kaming tumitig sa gown, trying to figure out what was missing. I like her work. She’s really talented. I think that even if I wasn’t here, she’d figure out on her own what was missing in her design. She doesn’t even need my help at all.

But I promised her, and I promised Serj that I would guide her. Kahit pagbibigay na lang ng advice ang gawin ko.

“There’s nothing wrong with the design. I saw the sketch and it’s really good. You didn’t have to change anything on the design.” I looked back at the gown. “But why don’t you try changing the fabric instead?”

“The fabric?”

I nodded.

“Why don’t you use chiffon instead of duchess? Mas malambot ang chiffon, right? Mas bagsak s’ya. It’ll create more folds on the skirt so hindi na s’ya magiging plain-looking.”

Tumango pa ako sa sarili kong opinion habang nakatingin pa rin sa gown. Right. I think the skirt just needed more volume to make it look more flowy. But it’ll be tricky if she uses the same fabric she just used, which was the duchess, it’d make the skirt crowded and hard. So, I think chiffon was much better.

Napatingin ako kay Natalia nang hindi s’ya magsalita. She was just staring at me. And I think I even saw fascination in her eyes na para bang may ginawa akong kakaiba.

“Natalia?”

She blinked. Pagkatapos ay nakita kong namula ang mga pisngi n’ya.

“Oh, sorry… I’m still surprised kapag naririnig kitang mag-Tagalog.”

I just smiled at her. Well, the first time we met here in the Philippines, her expression made me laugh. She stared hard at me for like ten minutes. But when I first talked to her in Tagalog, she looked at me as if I was a stranger.

Hindi yata sa kanya sinabi ni Serj na pupunta ako ng Pilipinas. Sana naman daw ay sinabi iyon sa kanya para hindi s’ya ganoong naging kabigla. But I think he just wanted to surprise her.

I told Natalia that my mother was a Filipina and that I lived in the Philippines as a child, which was why I could speak the language. And that this was also where I stayed when I took a break before. But whenever she asked me why I went back to the Philippines again, hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya ang dahilan.

I never told anyone why I was here again.

I helped Natalia with the planning for opening the third branch of her shop. I just gave her pieces of advice, but I didn’t try to meddle too much. I think Natalia wanted to achieve everything on her own. And I’m just here to support her as someone who has more experience in the industry, and as her friend.

“I’ll do what you suggest,” Natalia said after a while. “Thank you, Irina.”

I smiled at her.

“I’m glad I could help.”

I looked at my wristwatch. Maaga pa at hindi pa tuluiiyang bumababa ang araw, but it was time for me to go home. I needed to go home now.

“I wanted for you to stay longer, pero alam kong tatanggi ka na naman.” There was a disappointed look on Natalia’s face.

I gave her an apologetic smile.

“Sorry. Kailangan ko nang umuwi.”

Hindi s’ya nagsalita. Sa paraan ng pagtitig n’ya ay alam kong gusto na naman n’yang itanong kung bakit palagi akong nagmamadaling makauwi sa oras. It’s not that there was a certain time for me to come and go. Pumupunta lang ako sa shop n’ya kapag kailangan na n’ya ng tulong or whenever I wanted to. But I promised myself that I’d stay no longer than five in the afternoon every time I was here.

And whenever she asked me why I needed to go so early, I never gave her an answer. Pero sa tingin ko ay may namumuong ideya sa isip nm’ya. I had no idea what it was, but I didn’t intend to correct her.

I wanted to keep it a secret.

She sighed in defeat.

“Okay… Pero kapag hindi na ako busy, promise me you’ll take me out for coffee, yes?”

Natawa ako pero tumango rin.

“I promise.”

I went home afterward. I was staying at my grandma’s house. Gusto pa nga sanang sumama ni Lola para raw may mag-aasikaso sa ’min pero tumanggi na ako. I was worried, na baka sobra s’yang mapagod sa byahe. Sinabi ko rin naman sa kanya na babalik din kami sa Russia. And that I think we need this.

It wasn’t an easy decision to make. I was worried about Kazimir. His environment would be a lot different than in Russia. Hindi rin naman ’to kagaya noon where he would just stay for a week when I was still recovering. He would stay longer this time. Nag-aalala akong baka may maging epekto sa kanya ang pagbabago sa paligid n’ya.

Although, he liked the idea. He was so excited. Pero duda naman akong may ideya s’ya kung gaano kalaki ang kaibahan ng magiging araw-araw namin sa Pilipinas kaysa sa Russia.

But… I think I know why Kaz wanted us to take this opportunity that Serj gave me.

“I’m home…”

“Mommy!”

I smiled widely when I heard my son’s cute voice. Hindi ko pa s’ya nakikita pero alam kong tumatakbo s’ya para salubungin ako kaya hindi muna ako gumalaw sa may pintuan. I heard his rush footesteps and after a while, I saw my son running towards me. Niyakap n’ya ang mga binti ko nang tuluyang makalapit sa ’kin.

Instantly, all the worries and tiredness I felt vanished. Bahagya ko s’yang inilayo sa akin.

“Mommy’s dirty… I’ll wash up first so Kaz won’t catch germs from me, okay? I’ll hug you later.”

“Owwkay!”

I ruffled his hair. Nagiging madaldal na si Kazimir and I was really happy whenever he was speaking. It seemed like he wanted to learn new words too, dahil kahit hirap pa s’yang bigkasin ay sinusubukan n’ya pa ring magsalita.

That was why I think I made the right decision. I thought the change in environment would affect him, but… he seemed happy every day. Iyon lang naman ang gusto ko. For him to be a happy child.

“Irina.”

I looked up and saw Killian standing a few steps away from us. I just stared at him, fighting what I wanted to do, but I knew what would happen, so I just sighed instead. Pero napakunot-noo ako nang makitang may kung ano sa pisngi n’ya.

“What’s that on your right cheek?”

It wasn’t stubble. Since he knew how sensitive Kaz’s young skin was, he started shaving his face every day. There was one time when he didn’t shave, and Kaz held his face. He cried and didn’t approach his father. Natakot yata sa bagong pakiramdam. Ilang araw ding hindi nilapitan ni Kaz ang ama until Killian assured him that his face was smooth. After that, hindi na ulit nagpatubo ng facial hair si Killian.

But I liked him with stubbles, though.

Killian’s eyebrows furrowed. He unconsciously touched his cheek, lightly with his fingers. Parang nag-iisip pa kung ano ang sinasabi ko.

I smiled to myself. How long did that doodle have been on his cheeks for him to completely forget about it?

“Oh… this?” Mukhang naalala na ni Killian ang tungkol doon. “It’s a flower.”

“Hmm?” I frowned. Lumapit pa ako sa kanya para mas mapagmasdan iyong mabuti. But I stopped when I noticed he was tensed up.

Ah… I was getting irritated, really.

“Kaz dwawing! “

I looked at my son. There was a proud look on his face. Nabawasan ang iritasyon ko at napangiti na lang.

“Really? It’s a nice flower…”

He giggled. I wanted to kiss and hold him, but I was outside. Kailangan ko munang maglinis ng katawan.

“Can you watch him for a while?” I said to Killian. “I need to wash up.”

There was a look that passed in his eyes but it had gone too quickly.

“You should eat first,” he said.

“I’ll wash up first…” Aalis na sana ’ko nang may maalala. “Kumain ka na ba?”

He shook his head.

“Pero pinakain ko na si Kazimir.”

I smiled at him.

“Sabay na lang tayo.”

Bahagyang napaawang ang mga labi n’ya. I needed to stare into his eyes so I wouldn’t get distracted. But there was confusion mixed with surprise in them too. Para bang hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.

“What?” It sounded like a whisper.

“Huh?” I blinked.

He was staring so hard at me.

“Sabay… tayo?”

I don’t understand. Is there something wrong with what I’ve said? Pati ba naman sa pagkain, ayaw n’ya kaming magsabay?

“Yeah…” Tumango pa ako. “Hindi ka pa kumakain, right? Sabay na tayong kumain later.”

“Oh… Right.” He whispered something after that. Pero hindi ko na nakuha dahil nag-iwas na rin s’ya ng tingin sa ’kin.

Kahit na naguguluhan sa inakto n’ya ay umakyat na ako para makapag-half bath na. It was only until I was inside the bathroom that it finally dawned on me what happened back there. Agad kong naramdaman ang pag-iinit ng mga pisngi ko.

Oh, my goodness. He misunderstood!

I knew, even if I didn’t look in the mirror, that I was blushing profusely right now. My heart was even beating so fast that I was afraid I would have a heart attack.

When I decided to accept Serj’s suggestion, it was all just for Kazimir. I wanted my son to be happy. I wanted him to experience having a normal family, and with Killian’s background, I was worried he wouldn’t have one. Lalo pa dahil sa mga sinabi ni Rio. Natakot akong magkaroon s’ya ng buhay na mapanganib. I feared that his life would always be in danger.

I considered leaving Killian behind, but my heart couldn’t take that. It was… too cruel for all of us. Maaapektuhan si Kazimir. He loves his father so much, even with the little time they spend together. He seems happy to have him around.

So, I decided to be brave. Isinantabi ko ang takot ko, ang mga pag-aalala ko. I decided to trust Killian, and I gave him a chance. I wanted to protect Kazimir… together with him. And since then, I’ve never regretted my decision.

Killian is a great father. Mas lalo s’yang bumawi ngayon. He proved to me that I made the right choice. Nagagawa ko ring iwan sa kanya si Kazimir kapag tinutulungan ko si Natalia nang walang pag-aalala. Because I knew that he’d do everything for our son. Kaya gusto ko ring makabwi s’ya sa mga panahong hindi n’ya nakasama si Kazimir noon.

Everything was almost perfect. But I guess we couldn’t really avoid having problems.

The first month we stayed here, everything was still okay. I would always hear Kaz’s laughter around the house. Kapag umuuwi ako, dinadaldal pa nga sa akin ng anak ko kung ano’ng ginawa nila ng ama. The look on his face seemed to indicate that he really enjoyed playing with his father. He became talkative and curious. And I was delighted to see him enjoying everything.

But… Killian started to change. O sa una pa lang ay may problema na talaga at hindi ko lang napapansin. I often saw him dazed. Sometimes, it felt like he wasn’t even here, as he was always in deep thought. I wanted to ask him what was going on, but he started avoiding me. Hindi halata kapag kasama namin si Kaz, but it was really obvious when it was the two of us.

And then I remembered. He had so many unpleasant memories of this place. Maybe that was why I always saw him in deep thought. Naalala n’ya ang mga nangyari sa kanya noon.

I felt bad and hurt. I only focused on our son’s welfare, and I’ve forgotten about it. The memories that this place gave him. He must’ve felt like he was in hell while he was here, and yet… he didn’t say anything.

I was so selfish. I wanted to run away from his life of being in the mafia, which is why I chose for us to stay here. I even hid the fact that I was with my child and his father because I was afraid that someone would take this away from me. I wanted to have them by myself. Natakot akong kapag may nakaalam ng tungkol sa kanila, mawawala na naman sa ’kin ang kasiyahang nararamdaman ko. Kahit kay Natalia ay hindi ko sinabi ang tungkol kay Killian at Kazimir.

I wanted to run away from the mafia, not knowing that I had made Killian remember those nightmares he had by being in this place.

I was quiet throughout the dinner. And even after we tucked Kaz into bed, we barely even talked. He was staying in one of the guestrooms while Kaz and I used my room. Pero halos hindi na s’ya nagsalita hanggang sa makatulog na si Kaz at lumabas na ng kwarto.

I was starting to get irritated by our lack of conversation, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I was guilty. Ang akala ko ay magiging ayos na ang lahat. But I was hurting him again.

I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go down and drink warm milk. I took the mug with me, planning to drink it on the terrace, but Killian was there. He was sitting on the ledge, sideways. And isa paa ay nakatukod sa pasimano habang ang isa ay nasa sahig. He was in deep thought. I was even surprised when I saw him puffing a smoke, but as soon as he saw me, mabilis n’yang pinatay ang sigarilyo.

“You didn’t have to,” I said.

He shrugged.

“I don’t smoke when Kaz’s around.”

I nodded. I believed that. I don’t think he’s a habitual smoker. Kapag may iniisip lang. I saw him smoking just once before. He even apologized to me when I caught him.

I walked towards the ledge. Kinalahati ko ang gatas bago inilapag ang baso sa pasimano. I looked at Killian. He wasn’t looking at me. I didn’t think he even wanted to look at me.

I started to miss those times when he was staring at me, trying to read my thoughts. Kahit hindi n’ya sinusubukang basahin ang isip ko, palagi ko s’yang nahuhuli noong nakatitig sa akin. He wouldn’t even look away, even if I caught him doing so. But now, he was refusing to even look at me. Kahit ang kausapin ako ay parang nagmamadali pa s’yang matapos agad ang pag-uusap namin.

And it hurts. I didn’t like it.

“I see you wiped off the flower,” sabi ko para lang may mapag-usapan. Wala na kasi ’yung nasa pisngi n’ya kanina.

“I washed up. It faded.”

And that was it. Ganoon s’ya palagi. Maikli na lang sinasabi kapag nakikipag-usap sa ’kin.

I just nodded. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako at inubos na ang gatas.

Should I leave? I don’t want to.

“I’m thinking of just inking it to my skin.”

“Huh?” Mabilis akong napatingin sa kanya. I found him already looking at me.

He pointed at his right cheek.

“Kaz’s doodle.”

“Please, don’t,” I flat-out rejected.

He chuckled.

Napangiti na rin ako. I missed hearing that.

“Dumami na nga ’yung tattoo mo.”

“Hmm?” He tilted his head to the side. “So, noticed, huh?”

I rolled my eyes. His tone was suggesting something.

“You have tattoos on your neck now. Wala naman ’yan dati.”

“I’m glad to know that you seemed to memorize every part of my body. Even my tattoos.”

“Wow!” Hindi makapaniwala akong natawa. “I see you’re still a dirty-talker.”

He laughed. His laughter cut through the silence of the night. It was already late; we didn’t really have any neighbors nearby kaya sobrang tahimik ng paligid.

“Irina… That wasn’t even dirty-talking.”

Nairolyo ko na lang ang mga mata ko kahit may ngiti naman sa mga labi ko. I’m glad… He was still like he was before.

We were silent for a while. I knew I should head back in, but I didn’t want to. We were having a conversation again. Natatakot akong baka mag-iba na naman s’ya bukas.

“I wanted a reminder of how powerless I was at that time,” he said after a while.

“What?” Napatingin ako sa kanya. He was looking at the darkness ahead.

“I wanted a reminder of how I failed you.” He looked at me. “So, I tattooed their death on my skin.”

My lips parted. I couldn’t say anything. I knew what he meant. It wasn’t even a surprise to me what he did to those men. He was like that. That’s Killian. But the confirmation still shocked me.

He didn’t want to let go of what happened. He couldn’t. Because he had a reminder of it. Para bang sinadya n’yang hindi n’ya talaga makalimutan ang lahat.

And I knew why. He wanted to punish himself for what happened to me by remembering and reliving those memories. By not forgetting it.

I didn’t want it. I didn’t want him to be in pain anymore. I wanted him to get over it like I was doing so. But this was his way of torturing himself. And I didn’t know if I could still free him of the pain.

I really thought that everything was going okay… I was so stupid to think so.

“I’m sorry…” My eyes teared up.

“What…” Napatayo s’ya nang makitang naiiyak ako. “Irina…”

“I never wanted you to suffer because of what happened. Kasi nasabi ko na naman sa ’yo, ’di ba? I’m okay, now. And I wanted you to get over it too. We have Kazimir now. I want us to be happy.”

Mabilis s’yang lumapit sa ’kin. Nakita ko ang pag-aalangan n’yang hawakan ako.

“Right. You said that. I understand.”

“But your tattoos are reminders!” Tumulo na ang mga luha ko. “How could you ever move on from it? I don’t want us to be prisoners of what happened!”

Killian looked flustered. Parang hindi alam ang gagawin sa biglaang pag-iyak ko.

“Why did you even think to have tattoos of those assholes?”

“They are just things symbolizing their deaths.”

“Kahit na! Alam ko namang mahirap kalimutan ’yung nangyari. But I wanted us to at least move on so we can continue with our lives. Pero paano mo na magagawa ’yon kung palagi mong maaalala ang nangyari dahil sa tattoo mo?”

“It doesn’t mean anything now. Pinaliwanag ko lang kung bakit nadagdagan ang mga tattoo ko.”

“You’re lying!”

“Am not…” He chuckled. Hinawakan n’ya ang mga braso ko at hinaplos iyon. “Hush, love… Calm down.”

“Pero nasasaktan ka kasi nandito tayo sa Pilipinas, ’di ba?”

He looked confused.

“What the hell are you on about now?”

I bit my lower lip. I didn’t want to say it because it would remind him of those memories. But we are here anyway.

“Dito ka dinala ng mga taong ’yon, ’di ba? When you were taken away from your family…”

Noong una ay nakatitig lang s’ya sa ’kin. Bahagya pang magkasalubong ang mga kilay na parang iniintindi ang sinabi ko. Then, he chuckled and heaved a sigh of relief.

“Oh, that… Hindi ko nga naisip ’yon.”

“What?”

“You really think I would remember that when you and Kaz are with me?” Hindi makapaniwala s’yang natawa. “What the hell, Irina… You should stop overanalyzing things.”

“Hindi mo talaga naisip ’yon?”

“No… Why would I when I’m having the best time of my life? Kahit saan pa ’yan, kahit sa impyerno pa… I’ll be happy when I’m with you… and our son.”

“I don’t want Kaz to be in hell!”

He sighed in defeat.

“It’s just a figure of speech, love…”

“You’re not lying?”

“No…” Hinawakan n’ya ang pisngi ko. “What am I gonna do with you?”

I sniffed. Tumigil na ang mga luha ko sa pagtulo. He seemed like he was telling the truth. I could see it in his deep green eyes. There was also helplessness on his face pero nakikita ko naman ang katuwaan sa mga mata n’ya.

“Then why are you avoiding me?”

Natigilan s’ya. Ibinaba n’ya rin ang mga kamay n’yang kanina lang ay nakahawak sa ’kin. Even the emotions on his face vanished. Doon pa lang ay alam ko nang tama ako sa hinala ko.

“See? I’m right this time. Halos hindi mo na rin kasi ako kausapin!”

His jaw clenched. Magkasalubong na rin ang mga kilay n’ya. Humakbang pa s’ya paatras sa ’kin.

“You should sleep.”

Nainis ako roon. Hinawakan ko s’ya sa braso nang akma s’yang tatalikod.

“Killian! You’re avoiding me again!”

“Irina.” There was a warning in his voice. “Stop.”

“Bakit mo nga ’ko iniiwasan? I thought we could start over kaya nga pumayag ako sa suggestion ng kapatid mo. I want to give you a chance, but you’re avoiding me instead!”

He glared at me. I flinched with so much anger that I saw in his eyes. I even felt his arm flexing. Parang nagpipigil lang ng galit.

“You really have no idea why I’m being like this?” mariin n’yang tanong.

My heart started to beat fast. No… I think it wasn’t anger I saw in his eyes. It was something else.

“N-no…”

“We’re here. You, Kaz, and I… Like we’re playing house. With you as my wife. And I’m seeing you every fucking day…” He stared intently at me. “You really have no fucking idea?”

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko kaya napalunok ako. He looked really dangerous right now, but instead of being scared, I felt a much different emotion. My heart beat even faster in excitement.

“I’m on the verge of losing my self-control, Irina… But I don’t want to scare you and have you slip away from me again. So, go inside while I can still think clearly.”

Ah… I misunderstood. I thought he hated me; that was why he was avoiding me. I thought I was hurting him. I felt so much relief that I wanted to smile.

“You told me to take a risk on you again…” I said.

“What?” he hissed. Ramdam kong malapit na talagang mawala ang pagpipigil n’ya.

I stepped closer to him. I heard him groan, and I almost smiled.

“You told me to give you a chance… I did. I want to be with you.”

“Fuck, Irina.”

“Why are you holding back?”

He gave me a look that almost penetrated my soul. He was gritting his teeth so hard as he took a step closer to me. Nahigit ko ang paghinga ko sa nakikitang panganib sa mga mata n’ya.

“I’m warning you. You won’t get away from me this time.”

I couldn’t speak with the anticipation, so I just nodded. Hinawakan n’ya ang pisngi ko at ramdam ko ang init ng palad n’yang dumaloy sa buong katawan ko.

“I mean it, Irina. Even if I have to tie you up, I’ll fucking do it.”

He dipped his head slowly, giving me a chance to change my mind. But the moment I accepted Serj’s suggestion, I was already set to start anew with Killian. For us to be a family with Kazimir. Our son.

So, I didn’t back away. I just waited as his face inched closer until our breaths mingled. It was enough to make me feel intoxicated already. I think my mind is full of him right now.

“Last chance, love…”

Ah, shit…

Napahawak ako sa shirt n’ya dahil nanlalambot ang mga tuhod ko. But even with that warning, I didn’t recede. I just closed my eyes and heard his low chuckle.

“Mine then,” he said before he claimed my lips fully.

Chapter 58

WARNING: R18

(Note: Scenes in this chapter might be uncomfortable for some readers. I just want to remind everyone to be mindful and not to kink-shame. We all have different preferences. If you still can’t tolerate it, you can just skip this chapter.)

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The moment I felt Killian’s warm lips against mine, I sighed in relief. It was as if a heavy burden had finally lifted off my shoulders. It was that kind of feeling where you weren’t even aware that you were missing something important, but you still somehow felt empty, and you didn’t know the reason why. And when you finally have it, the feeling is so overwhelming that all you can do is cry and feel grateful that you’ve finally been given the missing piece that will complete you.

That was how I felt while Killian was kissing me. His lips made me feel like a complete person. That I already have everything in my life. And I have even more than enough. With him and our son, I knew that everything would be okay now.

Why the hell did I even think that I could live without him? Why the hell did I even think of leaving him again when I thought that my life and Kazimir’s would be better that way? Why did I even think that I didn’t need him?

But Killian proved me wrong. With just one kiss from him, I realized that everything I’d thought of was wrong. That I couldn’t really live without him. That I needed him. Because he was the missing piece in my life that would complete me.

I felt my tears trickle down my cheeks. Naramdaman ko pa ang saglit na pagkakatigil ni Killian. He even caressed my cheeks with his thumb, as if checking for my tears. He was about to pull away, but I hooked my arms on his shoulders and pulled him closer to me before I answered his kisses.

Noong una ay marahan at mabagal lang ang halik ni Killian. Parang binibigyan ako ng pagkakataong umatras. Maybe because he was unsure why I was crying. But I wasn’t planning on backing down. I wanted this. God, I wanted him so much.

When I deepened the kiss to assure him that I was sure of this, that was the only confirmation he needed. It was as if the last thread that he was holding onto finally snapped. Naging mariin ang paghalik n’ya. Even the way he held me became aggressive as well.

Ang mga kamay n’yang magaang nakahawak lang sa mga pisngi ko kanina ay gumalaw. He put one hand on the back of my head, while the other was now cupping my jaw. He was holding my head firmly, not giving me any chance to move or pull away. Because he already gave me the last chance earlier, and yet I didn’t take it.

Marahas ang paraan ng paghalik n’ya. He was sucking my lips, as if he also planned on sucking my soul from them. Kung kanina ay nasasagot ko pa ang halik n’ya, ngayon ay wala na akong magawa kundi ang ipaubaya na lang sa kanya ang mga labi ko. There was no way for me to answer how aggressively he was kissing me.

Nararamdaman kong namamaga ang mga labi ko sa rahas ng halik n’ya. But I didn’t mind. I always like the way he kisses me. Para bang palagi s’yang uhaw sa mga labi ko. But he still couldn’t get enough, even if I offered my lips to him willingly.

He bit my lower lip so hard that I gasped in pain. He took that chance to delve his warm tongue inside my mouth, tasting every corner. Wala s’yang pinalagpas. It even occurred to me that he wanted to devour me whole. But I didn’t have any plans to stop him.

I could taste blood, and I just realized that my lips were bleeding. But Killian liked it. It seemed like it turned him on as I heard him groan before he sucked on my bleeding lips again, allowing both of us to taste my blood when he plunged his tongue inside my mouth again. I couldn’t stop the moan that escaped from me.

Oh, my goodness. My mind was going hazy. Nanlalambot na rin ang mga tuhod ko at hindi ko na kayang tumayo. My knees were already trembling, and I just leaned my weight on his body for support. Kahit kasi ang mga braso kong nakahawak sa kanya ay nawalan na rin ng lakas.

He was just kissing me, and yet I was already feeling this much. What if he’d do more? I knew Killian wouldn’t be satisfied with just a kiss. Not when I could feel how much he held himself back when he was still avoiding me. Not when I could feel how much he wanted me with just his hold.

That was why he gave me one last chance earlier. It was a warning to let me know that he wouldn’t hold himself back like I’d told him. I provoked him, and he wanted me to know the consequences.

When Killian finally pulled away from the kiss, I was already breathing hard. I didn’t even know that I wasn’t breathing properly. I looked up at him and saw him staring at me. Mabibigat ang mga titig n’ya sa ’kin.

I could see lust and desire in his eyes. Iyon yata ang dahilan kung bakit tuluyan nang bumigay ang mga tuhod ko. Or maybe, it was because I saw a red spot on his lips because of my blood. Or maybe, it was because he licked the blood from his lips while looking at me. Pero bago pa ako tuluyang mapaupo sa sahig, nasalo ni Killian ang katawan ko.

He carried me and made me sit on the ledge. He placed himself in between my legs, and when he looked at me, there was a wicked smirk on his lips.

“You have to last long, Irina… I haven’t even started with the things I want to do to you.”

He gently brushed his knuckles on my cheeks, but I shivered. The way he was looking at me was so predatory. As if he was already imagining those things that he wanted to do to me that even if I begged him to stop, he wouldn’t.

Ah… Maybe this was his plan all along. He waited until I was the one who told him not to hold back so he could do whatever he wanted. Like a wild predator waiting for his unsuspecting prey before lunging to devour it.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve been holding myself back? And then you gave me permission…”

Napalunok ako. He played with my hair. Ang ilang hibla ay nilaro gamit ang mga daliri n’ya. I was reminded of when we were back in college. He sat in one of my classes and sat behind me. He played with my hair back then, too. At kagaya noon, I could feel the sensation up to my scalp, tickling me. I almost squirmed in my seat.

Inilapit n’ya ang mga hibla ng buhok ko sa bibig n’ya, sniffling the scent. Then, through his eyebrows, he looked at me. He smiled, but it was something so ominous.

“Oh, I will hurt you. If you could read my mind right now, you’d surely regret that you even let me kiss you.”

“K-killian…”

Bigla akong kinabahan. Sa halik n’ya pa lang kanina, alam kong wala pa ’yon sa kalahati ng mga gusto n’yang gawin sa ’kin. I unconsciously pulled away from him. My hair, which he was holding, slipped from his finger. Pinanood ni Killian ang pabagsak ng buhok ko sa balikat ko.

He looked at me. Halata sa mga matang hindi n’ya nagustuhan ang bahagya kong paglayo sa kanya.

“Ngayon ka pa talaga aatras? I like seeing you scared though…” he chuckled, a humorless one. “Want to know what I’m planning to do to you?”

Ayoko. It had never been good for me to know what he was planning. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya ’yon. But Killian always seems to have fun torturing me. He knew I was getting nervous now kaya s’ya napangisi ngayon.

Itinukod n’ya ang mga kamay sa magkabilang gilid ko, caging me with his body. Now, I couldn’t go anywhere, even if I backed out. He made sure of that. So, when he inched his face closer to me, mas lumala ang kabang nararamdaman ko. I thought he was going to kiss me again pero inilapit n’ya lang ang bibig sa tenga ko.

“I’m going to taste every inch of you and make you come while screaming my name. I’m gonna fuck your sweet cunt, and your warm mouth, and your perfect ass. I’m going to fuck you until you beg me to stop.”

Napasinghap ako sa mga salitang lumabas sa bibig n’ya. My body even trembled and I didn’t know if it was because of nervousness or anticipation. Napahawak ako sa mga balikat n’ya dahil pakiramdam ko ay nanghina ako roon. He chuckled when he felt my hands trembling.

“But you know I’m not going to stop, love…”

Bahagya s’yang lumayo sa ’kin. He caressed my cheeks gently. Hanggang sa bumaba iyon at marahas na hinawakan ang panga ko. With the way he was holding me, I knew I’d get bruised.

“I’ve been holding back for so fucking long. And you’re going to give me everything I want… That is your punishment.”

He claimed my lips forcefully after that. I even yelped in pain, but my voice died inside his mouth. Hindi n’ya na rin ako hinayaan pang makapagsalita o makatanggi man lang. He even put a hand on the back of my head, fisting at my hair. Ramdam ko ang pwersa sa bawat hawak n’ya sa ’kin.

Mapagparusa ang paraan ng halik n’ya. But I didn’t pull away. He was always like this. He was unforgiving. Ngayon ko napagtanto kung gaano nga s’ya katagal na nagtimpi.

But I like him this way. I like him not holding. I was even relieved that he seemed to be back to his old self again. The Killian that I fell in love with.

Kaya hinayaan ko lang s’yang halikan ako kahit hindi ko magawang tugunin ang halik n’ya. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, as he was too much. So, I just caressed his body. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to feel him. I wanted to know that he was mine.

But Killian didn’t like that. Mabilis n’yang hinuli ang mga kamay ko at inilagay iyon sa likuran ko. He was holding my hands firmly with just one hand. And to punish me for acting for myself, he bit my lower lip, making me bleed again.

Ah… I just hope I won’t run out of blood until the end.

Bumaba ang halik n’ya sa leeg ko. I had to tilt my head backward to give him more access. Kinailangan ko rin dahil hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos. Not with all the sensations I was already feeling. Especially when he licked the length of my neck and bit my skin.

“Killian…”

Ang isang kamay n’ya ay humaplos na rin sa katawan ko. But it wasn’t a gentle touch. It was aggressive, pinching every part that his hand could hold. Ramdam ko ang pangigigil sa bawat hawak n’ya. Bumabaon pa ang mga daliri sa balat ko. And it was as if he couldn’t take it anymore, he slid his hand inside my nightgown. I wasn’t wearing a bra. He cupped my breasts alternatively and massaged them with his hands. He chuckled when he felt my nipples had already hardened.

“You seem to like it.”

I bit my lower lip when he pinched my nipple. I tasted my blood on the cut of my lips. Pinigilan ko ang mapaungol pero hindi ko na nagawa nang muling dilaan ni Killian ang leeg ko.

“Oh my…”

He removed my nightgown, slipping the straps down my arms. Dahil malambot ang tela ay mabilis iyong bumagsak sa bewang ko. I was already half-naked in front of him. Without a word, he inserted one of my breasts inside his mouth, circling the crown with the tip of his tongue.

He was still holding my hands, preventing me from moving. But it was impossible to do so. I even squirmed on my set when he bit my nipples, making me moan in pain. Mas lalo akong napatingala at ipinaubaya na lang sa kanya ang katawan ko.

Ang isang kamay n’ya ay humaplos pababa. Until he reached my underwear and moved the piece of cloth to the side, touching me with his fingers directly. Malakas akong napaungol dahil sa ginawa n’ya.

I felt him smirk against my skin. Natutuwa sa ginagawa n’yang pagpaparusa sa ’kin. It felt really good, but it felt like a punishment, as he didn’t even let me hold him.

“I want to hold you…” I sobbed.

Napatingin sa ’kin si Killian. But he just continued licking my nipples, sucking them while his fingers were still playing with my folds. Hindi ko kinakaya ang ginagawa n’ya. Mabibigat na ang naging paghinga ko at nag-iinit na rin ang buong katawan ko.

“Please, Killian…”

“No, Irina,” he said firmly.

“Let me hold you…”

But he still didn’t let me. Mas lalo pa ngang humigpit ang hawak n’ya sa pulsuhan ko. Even when he trailed his kisses down my stomach, he still didn’t let go of my hands. Halos mabaliw na ako sa kagustuhang mahawakan s’ya.

Goodness… I really want to hold him. I wanna feel his warmth against my palms.

He placed warm and wet kisses on my belly. Even his tongue was working its way on my skin, licking every part. Tuluyan na s’yang lumuhod sa harapan ko at wala akong magawa kundi ang panoorin lang s’ya.

He looked up at me. For a while, I saw awe in his eyes. I could see the moon from behind me reflected in his eyes.

“You look enchanting…” he whispered. “You’re so beautiful…”

Niluwagan n’ya na rin sa wakas ang pagkakahawak sa mga kamay ko. But then he held one of my hands and kissed the back of my palm.

“I always thought that you’re something so out of this world, out of my touch. I was once to ruin you just to make you mine.”

“What…?”

“Because your beauty seems unbefitting for a cruel man like me…”

My heart ached for him. I didn’t know he had that thought. It seemed wrong, but I actually understood him. I saw how he was when he didn’t want to hold Kaz back, in fear that he would taint his son with his bloodied hands. I think that was what he meant right now…

Hinawakan ko ang pisngi n’ya. He leaned his face more against my palm. Napangiti ako sa ginawa n’ya.

“I’m yours, Killian… I’m always yours…”

Saglit s’yang pumikit. As if he was drinking in the warmth of my palm. But when he opened his eyes, I saw desire in them. His eyes seemed to darken in shade, even with the moon reflected in them.

“Right… That’s why I’m never letting you go again.”

He removed my underwear with just a swift move. Itinaas n’ya ang mga hita ko at isinampay iyon sa mga balikat n’ya. He pulled my hips closer to him until only half of my ass was sitting on the edge of the ledge before he parted my legs.

“You’re going to come on my face first. Then, I’ll fuck you hard later.”

With that, he dipped his head, and I felt him licking my wet folds. Mahaba ang ungol na pinakawalan ko, unable to control my voice. Kinailangan ko pang takpan ng palad ko ang bibig ko. We were outside. Although we didn’t have any neighbors nearby, it didn’t guarantee that someone would see or hear us.

Pero walang pakialam si Killian at patuloy lang sa ginagawa kahit gaano pa lumakas ang ungol ko. Sa tingin ko nga ay sinasadya n’ya pa. He was licking my folds thoroughly but avoiding my clit where I was sensitive the most. It only made me feel frustrated. Gumalaw pa ako para malaman n’ya ’yon but he held my hips firmly.

“Killian…” I panted.

He spread my folds further with his thumb, licking my opening. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sensasyong mas lumukob pa sa ’kin. I was breathing so hard through my nose. Hindi ko matanggal ang palad na nakatakip sa bibig ko dahil alam kong mapapasigaw lang ako kapag ginawa ko ’yon. I had to hold my voice in.

But he inserted his hardened tongue inside me, thrusting it in and out. Hindi ko na nakayanan at napasabunot na ako sa buhok n’ya. My body was already trembling. I just bit my lower lip so I wouldn’t scream.

Oh, shit… I can’t!

The way he fucked me with his tongue was too much. It was as if he was already showing me what he would do later. But I knew that wouldn’t be all. He would be more aggressive later. At hindi ko sigurado kung makakayanan ko ba iyon.

Mas lumalakas lang ang ungol ko at hindi ko na makayanan. When I was about to come, Killian stopped. I even whined in protest, but I just heard him chuckle. Pinalitan n’ya ng daliri ang dila n’ya.

He fucked me with his finger before he finally licked my lip. With that, my orgasm exploded. I could hear ringing in my ears, and I think I even screamed. I wasn’t sure anymore. Not when Killian inserted another finger and sucked my clit this time, prolonging my orgasm.

Humigpit ang pagkakasabunot ko sa buhok n’ya at mas ibinaon ang mukha n’ya sa pagkababae ko. I couldn’t control my body anymore. I was jerking uncontrollably. But Killian didn’t stop. In no time, I felt my second orgasm building inside me. A few more thrusts of his fingers, and I came again.

My body was so sensitive that I wanted Killian to stop. Pero hindi s’ya tumigil. He didn’t care that I just came and kept on making me feel good. He kept on sucking and licking my clit with his warm tongue while fucking me with his fingers. Ang isang kamay n’ya ay may kinapa sa ilalim ko. He massaged that other opening and it felt so illegal but still felt so freaking good.

“Shit!” I sobbed. “Killian! Stop. I can’t—”

Then I came again. It was long that my voice became hoarse when it subsided. Pagod na pagod ang pakiramdam ko at muntik pa akong sumubsob if Killian didn’t catch me. I sobbed with all what he just let me experience. Kahit kailan ay hinding-hindi ako masasanay sa binibigay n’ya sa ’kin. It was always too much for me to handle.

He hugged me and caressed my hair, soothing, comforting me… Paminsan-minsan ay nararamdaman ko ang paghalik n’ya sa buhok ko.

“Killian—”

“Sshh…”

Inilayo n’ya ako sa kanya. Despite the gentleness of his touch, I saw something wicked in his eyes.

“We’re not finished yet, love… We’re just getting started.”

Oh, God…

Talagang hindi n’ya ako binigyan ng kahit isang minuto para makapagpahinga man lang. My heart was still thumping so fast. He kissed me thoroughly, thrusting his tongue inside my mouth, and I could taste my own juices from him. But I didn’t pull away. I think it just added to the desire I felt for him.

He gripped his shirt by the collar and took it off with just a tug from him. Pagkatapos ay muli n’ya akong hinalikan. I was so glad that he didn’t stop me when I caressed his body, feeling every bump of his well-toned muscles.

Wow… I was right. Mas lalo ngang lumaki ang katawan n’ya. I didn’t remember his body feeling this way before whenever I touched him. His muscles felt even harder to touch. Sa tingin ko ay mas nasasaktan pa nga ang kamay ko kapag hinihigpitan ko ang kapit sa kanya.

I heard Killian groan a little with my touch. He stopped kissing me and just watched how my hands touched every part of his body. His chiseled chest, down to his hard abs. Pero napatigil ako nang makita ang bagong tattoo roon.

On that part, I saw an eight-legged black spider. Its legs were so long, and it spread on his stomach, as if hugging him. I suddenly felt jealous of the insect, as he could hug Killian’s body all the time.

I hate spiders. I don’t like them. Nananayo na agad ang mga balahibo ko pagkakita pa lang sa insekto. Especially long-legged ones, just like what Killian tattooed on his body.

But it was as if he knew about it, I just noticed that the spider’s body was impaled by a cross. The head of the cross was tattooed on the space between his chests. Ang dulo naman ay lumagpas hanggang sa ilalim ng gagamba. I noticed that the end of the sword was sharp. And just below the spider, on his lower abdomen, I saw words tattooed on his skin.

“ Smert’ predatelyam …“ It was in Russian. I looked at Killian. “Death to traitors?”

He nodded.

“Romanov’s motto.” He kissed me again.

I still have many questions to ask. But I guess questions weren’t on the plate this time, as Killian made me already forget about that with his kisses and touches. And all I could do was kiss him back.

My hand that was just caressing his body went up. Yumakap ako sa mga balikat n’ya, pulling him closer to me. I realized that I would be content with just his kisses and the taste of his lips. But Killian always finds a way to make me thirst for him and to make me feel hungry for him. Just like what he felt for me.

No. I think hungry wouldn’t even describe what he felt for me. He seemed to want to devour me whole every time.

He lifted my legs, spreading them wider until I was ready to take him. He removed his sweatpants, and I saw his length erected and ready right in front of me. I even squeaked in surprise, making him chuckle.

“This isn’t even your first time seeing my cock, love.”

“But…” Napalunok pa ako. Hindi ko na maialis ang tingin ko roon. “It’s so huge…”

Was it that huge before? I don’t know… Parang mas lalo lang iyon lumaki ngayon. Is that even possible?

Killian smirked at me as he stroked his length. I wet my lips when I saw the piercings. Right… I forgot about that.

“Can I fuck you bare?” he asked. Nakita kong hinigpitan n’ya ang pagkakahawak sa pagkalalaki n’ya. As if he was restraining something. I even saw his jaw clench.

Wow… that was hot.

“I’m clean.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya. “What?”

“I haven’t.” Mariin s’yang napapikit. “There’s no one, Irina…”

I blinked. “What…?”

“Tangina, Irina…” Nagulat pa ako sa pagmumura n’ya ng Tagalog. “I promise there’s no one… I really need to fuck you bare right fucking now.”

When he opened his eyes, I saw darkness in them which made me shiver. Para bang may masamang mangyayari kapag hindi ko pa s’ya pinagbigyan. So, I nodded. Without wasting any second, he spread my legs wider and thrust his cock inside with a rough move, impaling me to the hilt.

Tumigil yata ang paghinga ko. Hindi ako nakasigaw. I opened my mouth to take a breath, but I couldn’t. The sensation was too much, and I was blinded by lust. It stings, but it feels really good. God, it felt so fucking good.

He was stretching my insides wider with his huge length. Ang mga kuko ko ay bumaon sa balikat n’ya. But Killian didn’t seem to mind the pain. Hindi s’ya gumagalaw. And I knew he wanted to savour the feeling of him inside me.

Oh, God… it has been so long. I needed this. I didn’t even know that I felt so incomplete without him. Now, I felt so full that I couldn’t even breathe. The cold feeling from his piercings made it feel so good.

He pulled away a bit, and I finally managed to breathe. Pero sandali lang dahil muli akong hinalikan ni Killian. He then thrust his hips forcefully again. I moaned so loudly, but he swallowed my voice by kissing me. He even put a hand on my neck, his fingers gripping the sides, choking me until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

I was feeling so out of breath. Hindi pa nakatulong ang mararahas na pag-ulos ni Killian. I wanted to moan. I wanted to scream. But I couldn’t, as Killian was keeping me from doing it. He even gripped the back of my hair with his other hand, making me feel pain. But it just added to the pleasure.

I couldn’t take this. I felt like I was going to break any second now. And the piercings… God, I missed those piercings…

Pero walang pakialam si Killian at patuloy lang sa ginagawa n’ya. He was plunging his cock the tilt, pulling away till the head was inside and thrusting inside me again brutally. The piercing added more pleasure.

I felt tears flow down from my eyes. I was near. Goodness, I was going to come so hard. And I couldn’t stop it. Not when Killian was being this way.

My orgasm built inside me. My walls clenched around his length. And Killian could feel it. Mas lalo pang naging marahas ang paggalaw n’ya. Mas dumiin din ang mga daliri sa leeg ko. I needed to breathe before I came. Pakiramdam ko ay titigil sa pagtibok ang puso ko kapag ’di ko ginawa ’yon.

My mind felt hazy. Pakiramdam ko ay nakalutan ang ulo ko. And then, my orgasm hit me so hard that I was blinded by it. I couldn’t even hear anything. It was so much that when Killian pulled away from the kiss, I screamed so loudly that I thought I could be heard everywhere.

But Killian didn’t stop. My orgasm hadn’t even subsided when his movements became so fast. Para s’yang may hinahabol. I could even hear his small grunts, and with a few more thrusts, I felt him spill his loads inside me.

He bit my shoulders so hard that I knew it would leave a mark. But I didn’t mind. I even wanted it. I wanted him to mark me and own me.

And I realized, the moment I laid my eyes on him, he already owned me. Kaya kahit ano’ng iwas ang gawin ko ay bumabalik at bumabalik pa rin ako sa kanya.

I cried when I finally calmed down. Naramdaman kong hinaplos ni Killian ang likod ko hanggang sa tuluyang kumalma ako. Then he took my nightgown, which was still on my waist, and threw it on the floor before he carried me.

“The clothes—” nanghihina kong sabi nang maglakad s’ya papasok ng bahay.

“The fuck I care about those,” he said with gritted teeth. “That wasn’t enough, Irina. Kulang pa ’yon sa tagal ng pagtitimpi ko sa ’yo.”

Napakapit na lang ako sa kanya, hoping I could rest for at least a moment before he took me again.

“There’s still more to come. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. This is barely enough.”

Ah… right then, I realized that it would be a long night for both of us. No… It wasn’t even night now. We spent so much time on the terrace that I felt like the sun would rise in a few more hours.

He hadn’t even properly closed the door to the room he was using yet, but he was kissing me again. Kahit nang inihiga n’ya ako sa kama ay hindi n’ya itinigil ang paghalik sa ’kin. I was tired but Killian didn’t care abpout that. Agad s’yang pumaibabaw sa ’kin at hinaplos ang buong katawan ko.

I felt his fingers play with my core, spreading our mixed juices into my folds. In no time, lumakas na naman ang pag-ungol ko. I was worried that Kaz would wake up dahil katabi lang nito ang kwartong ’yon. But I couldn’t control my voice. Especially when I felt pleasure again with just his finger and with the way he was kissing me.

He was sucking my tongue and my lips so that it bled again. Pero wala na kaming pakialam doon. Killian loved tasting my blood anyway. I think that turned him on even more.

In no time, I was wet again. I could even hear the noise as he played with my core.

Tumigil s’ya sa paghalik sa ’kin at may kinuha sa bedside drawer. I recognized that foil wrapper. It was a condom. Napakunot pa ang noo ko as I remembered he told me earlier that he wanted to fuck me bare.

Napangisi si Killian sa reaksyon ko.

“This isn’t for your sweet pussy, love…”

My frown deepened as I watched him tear the foil with his teeth. He wore it expertly without any restrictions.

“What…?” I breathe.

“I told you… I’m going to fuck your sweet cunt, your mouth… and your ass.” His smirk widened. “But first, you have to come on my cock again.”

He plunged his length inside me again. The condom was so thin that it felt like he wasn’t even wearing one. But still, I wanted him without it. I couldn’t feel the cold steel of his piercings.

Shit… Is it possible I’ve developed addictions from those piercings?

Killian fucked me relentlessly. I didn’t think he knew how to fuck gently. Ganito rin s’ya noon. He was always like this. And I love him this way.

I love everything about him.

I just accepted all of him. I welcomed all of him. Even his ruthlessness, his savageness, and cruelty. I learned to love all of them. Because he wasn’t Killian Romanov without those. He wouldn’t be the man I fell in love with.

He looked like a god on top of me. I love watching him this way. Hindi ko maialis ang tingin ko sa kanya kahit gusto ko s’yang halikan. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. But he was staring deeply into my eyes. And I think he already saw what I wanted to tell him as his eyes darkened and his movements quickened.

I felt my orgasm building inside me again. Mahigpit akong napahawak sa mga braso n’ya. My nails dug into his skin, and I even scratched them unconsciously. I watched how the blood showed on his tattooed skin. Mas lalo akong napaungol dahil doon.

“Come, Irina…” he ordered as my walls clenched around him. “C’mon, love… Milk my cock.”

And I came with that. I came with those words, screaming his name. My whole body shuddered. Killian prolonged my orgasm by making a few more slow thrusts that made me feel how good he was inside me.

“Killian,” I sobbed. Goodness. I can’t. This is all too much.

He pulled out and I moaned with the movement. He looked down and I saw him spreading my juices to his length by stroking it.

“I’m going to fuck your ass,” he said as he turned me around. Dahil wala akong lakas ay nanatili akong nakadapa.

But Killian put a pillow on my stomach, napaangat ang balakang ko dahil doon. He massaged my ass cheeks before he reached my opening from behind, also spreading my juices from them.

“It will hurt at first,” he said. “I need you to breathe through it and try not to tense.”

“Killian…” I felt scared, and Killian noticed. He soothed me by caressing my back.

“It’s okay… I’ll go slow at first.”

He spread my legs wider and pulled one of my knees up to expose me further. I had to bite my lower lip, feeling embarrassed. But I wanted to give him this. I wanted to give him everything he wanted.

This is my punishment.

He massaged the entrance first. The feeling was so illegal, but that added to the pleasure. Hindi tumigil si Killian sa ginagawa until I moaned. Then, I felt him nudge the opening with the head of his length.

I gasped. My body tensed up, and I gripped the bed sheet. I felt Killian stop and just stroke the head up and down the entrance.

“I need you to relax, Irina. Breathe.”

Goodness. I didn’t think I could do that. It was a new feeling. I didn’t think we would even do this. But knowing Killian, I wouldn’t even be surprised to know that he was into this.

He helped me relax by reaching for my clit from behind and playing with it. I was breathing fast, I tried to relax but I ended up moaning and I felt wet again. It was the confirmation that Killian needed before he pushed inside me.

I gasped loudly. Mas humigpit ang hawak ko sa bedsheet at ibinaon ko ang mukha ko sa unan. He felt so huge and fuck, it hurts. I was so blinded by pain that I sobbed.

“It hurts!” I sobbed. “Killian!”

“Breathe, Irina…”

He played with my clit again, helping me to relax. He was really huge and he was all the way in. My body was trembling so much and my eyes were tightly closed.

I didn’t know where to focus. To his huge cock, to the pain, or the sensation as his fingers kept on teasing my clit.

But then, I felt wet again. The pain was now mixed with pleasure that I even moved my hips in curiosity.

I moaned with pleasure. Naramdaman kong napakapit si Killian sa bewang ko, stopping me from moving. I didn’t know that it would feel good. It was uncomfortable but… it felt good.

And then, Killian even did something unthinkable, he inserted two of his fingers into my pussy while starting moving from behind me.

I moaned as I heard him groan. Napaangat ang balakang ko, wanting more of him, and he gave me what I wanted. He pulled his length and then thrust deeper from behind while doing the same with his fingers.

“Fuck, Irina,” he breathes. “Tangina…”

It sounded filthy. What we were doing felt so filthy, but I liked it. I wanted more.

“More, Killian… please…”

I didn’t even know that I would beg him for something like this. But Killian started to fuck me aggressively. He made sure that I finally adjusted before letting go of all of his restraints.

His one hand reached for my breast and played with my nipples. The feeling was so incredible. I felt like my mind was breaking. I felt so full, really full that I even thought I would die from all of this.

Then, he became more aggressive. He was holding me firmly. His movements became rough. The pain and pleasure blinded me, and I couldn’t even breathe normally. It was like he just became a madman. I knew I would get bruised all over my body from all of this.

But I didn’t plan on stopping him. This all felt so good that I thought I would get crazy. Malalakas na rin ang pag-ungol ko. Not minding if someone would hear me.

“I’ve always fantasized about fucking you into pieces, Irina… Until you’re broken and you can’t live without me.”

He chuckled. I shuddered at the way it sounded. Like an unhinged man. Like he was crazy.

I tried to look at him, twisting my body so I could get a glimpse of him. The sight was too much for me. His inked muscles flexed with his every violent thrust. He was even smirking down at me. The look in his eyes was that of a madman. Like he didn’t even care about me, but just for his own pleasure.

Then, I saw blood trickling down his nose from feeling so much pleasure and sensation. That was why his eyes looked like that. Like he was already out of his mind. He wiped the blood off with the back of his hand, but it just smudged on his skin.

I couldn’t understand, but the sight looked so hot. He looked so freaking hot that I moaned.

Then, he gripped the back of my neck, turned my head, and buried my face on the pillow. He started fucking me violently, even his fingers moved aggressively. I couldn’t take it. The feeling was so great that I thought I would break anytime.

My mind was going blank. I didn’t know what to think anymore. Pinaubaya ko na lang ang katawan ko sa kanya. I just focused everything on the feeling.

And then, I came. My orgasm hit me so hard that I screamed really loud. It was a good thing that my face was buried on the pillow, muffling my scream. Sigurado kasi akong may makakarinig noon. I knew people were starting to wake up now with their early routine.

My body shuddered. But Killian didn’t stop. He was still fucking me with his cock and his fingers. And another orgasm hit me again, and I started to sob.

“Stop,” I sobbed. “I can’t anymore.”

Even my knees trembled. But I didn’t think that Killian would stop at any time. And then I remembered. This was my punishment. A sweet torture kind.

“Killian… I’m sorry…”

“Say you won’t leave me again, Irina…”

He was thrusting his cock so deep inside. The bed even shook violently with the movement. I was even worried that it would break. But he didn’t mind that. He didn’t care about anything else.

“I won’t!”

“Promise me!”

“I promise!” I cried so hard. “Please, forgive me.”

Mas lalo pang bumilis ang paggalaw n’ya. And just when I thought he would have a release again, mabilis n’yang binunot ang pagkalalaki n’ya. He then quickly turned me around until my back was on the mattress. He positioned himself on my upper body, his knees were either on my side. His cock was only a few inches away from my face.

He removed the condom and threw it somewhere inside the room. He gripped the head of his length before he held my jaw tightly.

“Open your mouth,” he ordered.

I did. Then he shoved his length inside me, without saying anything, and my eyes widened. My mouth stretched so much for him that my jaw started to hurt.

But he moved. He fucked my mouth, and all I could do was watch him. I was choking. My eyes teared up, but I held for him.

A few more violent thrusts, and I heard him groan. Then, I felt him explode inside my mouth.

He removed himself but held my jaw tight shut. Mariin ang mga mata n’yang nakatingin sa ’kin.

“Swallow. Don’t even think of wasting a drop.”

Without looking away from him, I did. I swallowed all of him. I even licked my lips, which made his eyes darken.

He then chuckled. Umalis na s’ya sa ibabaw ko at marahang hinalikan ang noo ko.

“You did well…”

He caressed my cheeks. It was so gentle that it seemed impossible given how violent he was earlier. Halos mapaiyak pa ako roon.

“Rest, love… I’ll take care of you.”

Chapter 59

I was sleeping. I think that was what I was doing before I tried to move to find a more comfortable sleeping position. Hindi ko pa sana gustong magising. I wanted to sleep more, but I needed to get up now for Kazimir. But fuck, I couldn’t do that when I was hurting all over! I just tried to move my body a bit, but the pain almost killed me, and I wanted to cry!

It hurts! Shit, it really fucking hurts! Hindi ko na lang ituloy ang paggalaw ko. I was on my side at gusto ko sanang tumihaya ng higa para mas komportable ako. I wanted to lay on my back. But how can I do that when this pain is killing me?!

My back hurts so fucking much! And I think the lower half of my body was paralyzed. Hindi ko na talaga maigalaw ang ibabang bahagi ng katawan ko.

Feeling ko, mamamatay na ’ko.

I felt something touch my cheek. I knew it was Killian. Hindi ko pa idinidilat ang mga mata ko but I already knew it was him. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko nakabisado ang paraan ng paghaplos at paghawak n’ya sa ’kin. Or even his scent. But I felt calm knowing that he was beside me through the pain I was feeling right now.

“You should sleep more,” he said.

“Killian,” I sobbed. Gusto ko na talagang maiyak. “I can’t move…”

I should’ve expected this. Killian was really rough last night! At kahit hindi ko pa tingnan ang katawan ko, I knew I had bruises all over my body!

The freaking asshole had the guts to chuckle! Naidilat ko tuloy ang mga mata ko at sinamaan s’ya ng tingin. But he just smirked at me and brushed the strands of my hair off my face.

“Matulog ka pa… You only slept for half an hour.”

What…? Kaya pala antok na antok pa ’ko.

I looked at the window behind him and frowned. I could see sunlight passing through the gap between the curtains. Ibig sabihin, umaga na.

After we did that, Killian cleaned me up. I felt him gently press a warm towel on the part between my legs, soothing the swollen part, and I think nakaidlip pa nga ako habang ginagawa n’ya ’yon. But he woke me up and told me that I had to pee. Hindi na talaga ako makabangon so he had to carry me to the bathroom. I think all of that took thirty minutes. So, it had been only one hour when we finished.

Huh? What the hell? Inabot kami ng umaga?

“Hindi ka pa natutulog?” I asked. He was still caressing my cheeks with the back of his fingers.

“No… I had to clean up our mess.”

“Kahit ’yung mga damit natin sa labas?”

I should feel embarrassed. But I don’t know… It felt natural talking to him about things like this.

He nodded. “Yeah… you don’t have to worry about anything. Just sleep.”

Ang kamay n’yang humahaplos sa pisngi ko ay bumaba sa balikat ko. He caressed my skin there, just where the scar from the gunshot wound that I’ve had before. Hindi ko mabasa kung ano’ng nasa mga mata n’ya habang hinahaplos ang balikat ko.

“You have my bite marks here…”

Oh, right. He bit me there last night, too. He looked satisfied, though, instead of being bothered by my scar. I was glad about that. I didn’t want what happened before to hold us back from moving on with our lives together. And I think… Killian was finally trying to put that behind us.

Napangiti ako.

“You should sleep too. Alam kong napagod ka rin.”

“I’m alright… I can stay awake for ten days at most.”

My eyes widened. “What? Ten days? Imposible!”

Mahinang natawa si Killian. He looked so good in the morning. With disheveled hair, which I knew I was the reason for.

“I’m telling the truth. It’s a habit I picked up when I was a kid.”

Mas lalo naman akong hindi naniwala roon. He was just a kid! How could he stay awake for ten—

Ah… I finally understood what he meant. His childhood and what happened to him back then. Killian didn’t tell me all the details but with what he’d said… I roughly had an idea that he wasn’t able to sleep back then and that he had to stay awake for days… and ten days was his limit.

I just… I pray that time will bring relief from all that suffering he felt. I’ll help him. I’ll be with him till he and I overcome our traumatic experiences. I promise that I won’t leave him again. Together with him and our son, I pray that the future will be kind to us and let us finally find the happiness we deserve.

“Want me to prove it to you?” he suddenly said.

“What?”

There was a smirk on his lips that I couldn’t figure out what it was for.

“What do you think? Should we give it a try?”

I frowned at him.

“What are you—”

“I’ll fuck you nonstop for ten days till I pass out.”

Huh…?

“Don’t worry, I’ll be lenient. I’ll let you take a break every two days,” he even said.

Nawalan ng reaksyon ang mukha ko. I took a deep breath. To think that I was just feeling bad five seconds ago and then he’d say something so completely… him.

How could I forget how his mind always went back to that? He’d talk dirty at every chance he got.

“Thank you. You’re so considerate,” I deadpan.

He laughed. He noticed my sarcasm. I just rolled my eyes at him and tried to lay on my back. But I groaned when I felt pain all over my body. Hirap na hirap ako sa simpleng paggalaw na ’yon.

Damn it… I even had the feeling na isang linggo kong iindahin ang sakit ng katawan ko!

It was a good thing that Killian helped me move. Nakahalata sa padurusa ko na s’ya ang dahilan. Inalalayan n’ya ako sa pahiga. I was groaning with every move. Itinukod n’ya ang isang siko sa kama pagkatapos then he leaned his chin on his hand to have a good look at me. I sighed and relaxed when I finally felt comfortable with my position.

“Pwedeng ikaw na muna ang mag-asikaso kay Kaz today?” I asked. “Hindi talaga ako makagalaw.”

There was a gentle look in his eyes when he caressed my cheek again.

“I was rough, wasn’t I?” he asked. I almost rolled my eyes at him.

“What do you think? I’m hurting all over!”

“That’s terrible.”

“It’s your fault!”

“No, that’s terrible. Because we’re doing it again later.’”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “What?!”

“Today’s just the first day.”

“Killian!”

“There’s still nine more days left.”

“Oh, God…” I groaned.

Ang lakas ng naging tawa n’ya. Kaya pala! He didn’t look like he regretted that I ended up like this! He even looked proud and satisfied… Satisfied and yet there is still hunger in his eyes! I just couldn’t believe this man!

But… I love hearing him laugh like this. It sounded so carefree. As if he didn’t know any pain and was having the time of his life. Parang walang inaalala.

I rolled my eyes at him.

“I hate you…”

Natigil sa pagtawa si Killian at biglang natahimik. I immediately regretted what I’ve said. Kahit na nananakit ang katawa ko, sinubukan kong abutin ang pisngi at haplusin iyon.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

I really didn’t mean it. It was just my normal reaction when someone was playfully teasing me. But I guess I need to consider whom I would say those words to, as Killian looked like he took my words seriously.

“I really didn’t mean that,” ulit ko pa.

“I know…”

But I could still see anxiousness in his eyes. Maybe he just said that to ease my worries. Kasi alam kong nakikita n’ya kung gaano ko pinagsisihan ang sinabi ko. So, I tried to pull myself up slightly, even though it was killing me to kiss him on the lips.

“I love you, Killian…”

The anxiousness in his eyes finally faded. His eyes turned gentle as he looked at me with all the love he could offer. I love how those deep green orbs stared at me.

“You mean the world to me, Irina… I’m obsessed with you.”

It was Killian who initiated the kiss this time. He kissed me deeply, just like he was always kissing me, even before. As if he was trying to suck my soul, to take everything from me, and I would willingly give it to him.

I tried to kiss him back, but he was kissing me intensely. He was always intense anyway. Hindi ko s’ya nasasabay kahit ano pang subok ko. And he was fine with that. Ayos lang sa kanya kahit hindi ko s’ya mapantayan. He would take what I could only give him.

That was why, right this time, I promised, while our lips were infused together, that I would love him with all my heart and that I would do everything to make him happy. I would give my all so our family would only experience the good things.

It would be hard, and I know that would be a hard time for us as well. But I think that I would overcome anything as long as Killian is with me. As long as he and Kazimir are with me.

When Killian ended the kiss, he stared at me intently. Halos malunod ako sa mga emosyong nakikita ko sa mga mata n’ya.

“I’m so fucking deeply in love with you, Irina…I won’t be able to live without you. So, please, don’t go anywhere where I wouldn’t be able to reach you.”

Napangiti ako. I stared lovingly at him. I stared at his face. My fingers trailed his thick eyebrows down to his nose bridge. Nakita kong napapikit s’ya sa ginawa ko pero muli ring napadilat nang haplusin ko ang mga labi n’ya. Those lips that just kissed me deeply and intensely. It was a bit swollen. But I loved it, knowing that it was because of me.

And Killian, just like he always was, read what I was feeling right now. Even if I didn’t put it into words, he could already see right through me.

I love him. And I wouldn’t leave him again. Because, just like him, I wouldn’t be able to live without him now.

“Si Kaz…” paalala ko. “Magigising na ’yon.”

Ilang sandali n’ya akong tinitigan. Pagkatapos ay mariin n’ya ulit akong hinalikan bago bumangon para kumuha ng shirt sa cabinet. He was already wearing another sweatpant. In that quick moment, I caught a glimpse of the tattoo on his back.

I was right with what I thought I saw before. Those were wings. They were spread out, so they almost covered his whole upper back. Umabot ang dulo ng mga pakpak sa balikat n’ya papuntang harap. That was why the wings looked like they were hugging him.

But… those wings were from a woman. In the middle, it was a woman holding a sword with her right hand. The length reached her feet. I think it was a woman because even though she was wearing a tattered robe covering her body to the feet and with a hood that covered her head, nakalabas naman ang mahabang buhok ng paharap sa magkabilang balikat n’ya. The woman’s hair has princess curls. Just like… just like mine.

I didn’t have the time to assess his back tattoo more dahil nagbihis na s’ya ng plain white shirt. But even with the pureness of the color, it didn’t do anything to make him look safe and… lighthearted.

“Can you pass me a shirt too?” I was still so naked under the sheets. “And shorts.”

Killian gave me his shirt and his boxer shorts. He helped me get dressed up. Nakaalalay din s’ya sa ’kin nang humiga ako ulit para magpahinga.

“Rest,” he said. “Ako na’ng bahala kay Kaz.”

Napangiti ako. Even now, I still can’t believe when he was like this. He was really gentle in taking care of me after our lovemaking. If I could even call that lovemaking with how rough he was.

Hindi tuluyang isinara ni Killian ang pinto ng kwarto nang lumabas s’ya. He left the door ajar, and I was thankful for that. I wanted to hear what was going on outside the room. I trust that he will take good care of Kaz. Wala nga akong nairereklamo sa tuwing iniiwan ko si Kaz sa kanya kapag nakikipagkita ako kay Natalia. But still, gusto kong malaman kung ano’ng ginagawa ng mag-ama ko. I think I would be able to rest properly with the door ajar too.

I closed my eyes. God, pagod na pagod talaga ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal ang kailangan ko para makabawi ng lakas.

My goodness, Killian…

Mabilis bumalik ang antok sa ’kin dahil na rin sa sobrang pagod. Makakatulog na sana ako. But I heard that cute little voice just outside the room. Napangiti agad ako at pinanatili pa ring nakapikit ang mga mata. I just listened to their conversation.

“ Whewre’s Mommy?“

“She’s resting in my room.”

“Mommy still sleeping?”

“Yeah.” No. I’m awake.

“Kaz will wake her!”

“No… She needs to rest.”

“Why?”

“She’s…”

Mahina akong natawa. I could tell that Killian was trying hard to think of what to tell our son.

“Mommy’s sick?” Kaz’s voice faltered.

“No, she’s just—no, son, wait!”

“Mommy!”

Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto at ang maliliit na mga yabag ni Kaz. I smiled widely. Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko nang maramdaman ang pagsampa n’ya sa kama sa gilid ko. I saw worry on my son’s face as he looked down at me.

“Why you sick, Mommy?”

His voice was quivering. Mukhang papaiyak na rin. Inabot ko at pinigilang mapangiwi sa sakit ng paggalaw kong ’yon. Ayokong mas mag-alala pa s’ya sa ’kin.

“I’m not…” I said, caressing his hair. Magulo pa ang buhok n’ya and he was still wearing his pajamas. “Mommy just needs to rest. I’m tired.”

“Why Mommy’s tiwred ?”

He looked confused now. Nakatagilid pa ang ulo habang nakatingin sa ’kin. He was probably wondering why I was already tired when it was just morning.

“She got tired when we were making your baby brother.”

I gasped. Killian was leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest, watching us.

“Killian!”

Goodness! Ano’ng pinagsasabi n’ya eh, may bata?“

“That’s tiwring ?” Kaz looked at his dad. Curiosity was in his voice.

“Yes.” He didn’t even blink at that! “She needs to regain her strength because we’re doing it again later.”

What the fu—

“Killian! He’s just turning three years old!”

“Kaz will have many bwother ?”

Oh, my poor innocent son…

But Killian smirked. Ni wala man lang pag-aalala sa pinagsasabi sa inosenteng anak!

“Do you want that?”

“Yes!” Kaz even looked so excited!

“Then let’s leave so your mom can take a rest. She needs her strength for later.”

“Oh, my God…” Ano ba ’tong dalawang ’to!

“Okay!” Kaz looked at me. His eyes were twinkling. “Rest, Mommy…”

I glared at Killian as soon as Kaz went out of the room.

“Kung ano-ano pinagsasabi mo sa bata!”

There was a wide smirk on his lips as if he was proud of what he’d done. God, I so wanted to wipe that smirk off him!

“Rest, love… Just leave our son to me.”

Nagdududa ko s’yang tiningnan.

“Now I’m getting a little anxious with that.”

He chuckled. Ngising-ngisi pa rin nang tumingin sa ’kin.

“Rest, Mommy…” he said, imitating what Kaz said before he closed the door slightly.

Gusto ko sana s’yang batuhin ng unan sa pagkapilyo n’ya. But with the pain I was feeling, I couldn’t really move. Kaya nagkuntento na lang akong samaan s’ya ng tingin hanggang sa makaalis s’ya.

Napasapo ako sa noo ko gamit ang kanang kamay. Goodness… Why did it feel like magmamana sa kanya si Kaz sa kapilyuhan n’ya? With things right now, I already had a glimpse of what my everyday life would be like with the two of them! Parang palaging mananakit ang ulo ko sa kasasaway sa kanilang dalawa!

But… I couldn’t help my smile. I like everything being this way. It felt… normal and fulfilling. These little things gave me happiness. I am so looking forward to every day with this family.

I took a deep breath and was about to remove my hand from my face when I felt something brushing my fingers. Napatingin ako sa kanang kamay ko. Noong una ay nakatitig lang ako sa bagay na ’yon. There was a new accessory on my fourth finger that wasn’t there before, and I was sure I didn’t put it on myself. I rarely wear any accessory dahil nakakasagabal iyon kapag nagde-design ako.

I gasped when it finally dawned on me what it was. It was a ring. A kind of ring with three interlocking bands of different colors: yellow gold, white gold, and rose gold. The ring even sparkled when the light hit it. It looked so breathtakingly beautiful on my ring finger.

Emotions swelled in my chest. Nagtubig ang mga mata ko but I wiped it off as I wanted to look at the ring more clearly. I fell in love with it the first time I saw it.

“Killian…” I whispered. I was planning on calling him pero punong-puno ng emosyon ang dibdib ko at gusto ko na lang maiyak.

I tried to get up. It was still painful to move, but I managed to sit up on the bed. I groaned in pain. I couldn’t sit properly. It hurts like damn hell pero gusto kong makausap si Killian.

“Killian!” May palagay akong hindi ako makakatayo kaya nilakasan ko na lang ang pagtawag sa kanya. “Killian!”

I wasn’t sure if he could hear me. I didn’t think he would lalo na kapag nasa baba s’ya. I was about to get out of bed, but the door opened. Nakita kaagad ang pag-aalala sa mukha ni Killian nang makitang nakaupo na ako sa kama.

“What are you doing?” he asked as he approached me. “Why are you getting up? Did something happen?”

I opened my mouth to say something. Pero nag-unahan na sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko. Mabilis na umupo si Killian sa gilid ng kama sa tabi ko. Hinawakan n’ya ang mga balikat ko at tiningnan ang buong katawan ko. Parang naghahanap ng sugat.

“What? Who—” Natigilan s’ya. Then I saw the anguish in his eyes. “Did I really hurt you that much—”

Mabilis akong umiling. Well, my body hurt, but I didn’t regret anything. I enjoyed what happened to us last night. I liked it. I felt happy in his arms. At ayokong ipagkamali n’ya ’yon sa kahit ano.

I immediately raised my right hand so he could see what made me cry like this. Noong una ay nakatingin lang s’ya sa mukha ko, then his gaze shifted on my hand, particularly on my ring finger.

“You don’t… like it?” nag-aalangan n’yang tanong.

Mabilis akong umiling.

“I love it so much, Killian… It’s so beautiful.”

He stared at me.

“That’s why you’re crying?” I nodded. “Because you love the ring?” I nodded again.

Only then did he breathe a sigh of relief. He chuckled. Bahagya pang tinakpan ang bibig pagkatapos ay tumikhim. It was no use, though. I clearly heard his chuckle.

“Come here.”

He said that pero s’ya naman ang mas lumapit sa ’kin. He carefully lifted me onto the bed, with one arm supporting my back while the other was on the back of my knees. He made me sit on his lap, sideways. Kinuha n’ya ang kamay kong may singsing at pareho naming tiningnan iyon.

“It’s called a Russian love knot. Yellow gold is sturdy and symbolizes the strength of our love and what we have. That no matter what comes between us, we will be able to overcome it. White gold symbolizes flexibility as it’s the softest material among the three. That we will be able to adapt to anything, to compromise, and that we will work well together. The rose gold symbolizes romance and the rarity of true love that we found together between us, as rose gold is a rare material.”

Umiiyak na talaga ako habang ipinaliliwanag sa ’kin ni Killian ang meaning ng singsing na ’yon. Even the symbolism of the ring was beautiful.

Dinala ni Killian ang mga kamay ko sa labi n’ya. He kissed the ring on my finger and looked at me.

“The three bands interlocking together symbolize the past, present, and future with you. My then, now, and forever. My loyalty, faithfulness, and devotion to you. And that I will love you for the rest of eternity.”

He kissed my eyes before he kissed my tear-streaked cheeks. Pinunasan n’ya ang mga luha ko pagkatapos.

“Are you proposing?” I asked between my sobs.

He shook his head.

“No, love. I’m not giving you a choice. Because you’ll marry me, Irina…”

Natawa ako. Goodness, I was just crying earlier. But then, I was crying out of happiness anyway kaya ganitong kadali rin akong natawa.

“Of course…” ngiting-ngiti kong sab isa kanya.

Natigilan s’ya. “Really?”

I looked at him. Mukhang hindi pa s’ya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.

“I thought you were not going to give me a choice.”

“I thought you wouldn’t like it.”

“Why would I?” Hinaplos ko ang pisngi n’ya. “I love you, Killian. Of course, I’ll marry you.”

Nakatitig lang sa ’kin si Killian matapos kong sabihin ’yon. The look in his eyes told me that he did not believe what he had just heard. And when it finally dawned on him, nakita kong namula ang mga mata n’ya. But he pulled me into a tight embrace and buried his face in my hair.

“Goddamn… I love you so fucking much, Irina…”

His voice broke when he said that. I smiled and hugged him back, wishing that I could make him feel that I felt the same way.

I have everything now, and there is nothing I could ever ask for. I have a family. A mother who did everything to protect me. A father who accepted me as his own. I didn’t really want to meet my real father anymore. Ayoko nang masaktan si Mommy. If ever he didn’t know about my existence, hindi ko na gustong magulo ang buhay ng pamilyang meron ang totoo kong ama. But if he ever knew about me and didn’t decide to meet me, I was fine with that. After all, my parents did everything to fulfill what I was lacking.

I have a sweet little sister. I have my grandmother who never tired of taking care of me. I have my career. Napakaraming bagay ang meron ako na kung iisa-isahin ko pa, pakiramdam ko ay kulang pa ang isang taon para ilista ang lahat ng ’yon.

But above all of that, I have Killian. I have our son, whom I received as the best gift from him. And I’m really looking forward to spending the rest of eternity with them.

“We have to ask Serj for his blessing and approval,” sabi ni Killian nang humiwalay s’ya sa ’kin.

I frowned.

“Why? Oh, is it because he’s your family?” He needs to ask for my parents’ approval too. Pero nu’ng last time naman, Dad looked like he was okay with Killian though.

“Yes… But also, every member of the Bratva needs to have the Pakhan’s permission and approval of who their partner is before blessing the marriage. He has the power to decide who we will get married to.”

“Oh…”

Wow… That was… Serj is really powerful, then! Hindi ko alam ’yon! But then, I guess that was how they gained more power and avoided war. By marriage alliances.

Bigla akong natigilan nang may maalala.

“Then he could’ve decided to let you marry Yeliz as a marriage alliance?”

He frowned.

“Did that bother you?”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. But it did! Naaalala ko pa kung gaano ako nakahinga nang maluwag nang malamang hindi na kailangan ni Serj ng tulong ng pamilya ni Yeliz!

Killian chuckled. Of course, he knew the answer. He knew what I felt.

“I told you; the Romanov family is already powerful. He doesn’t need the Aslanovs to gain more power.”

Napatango na lang ako.

“Okay…”

“Besides, ever since then, Serj already knew how I felt about you. He wouldn’t let me marry anyone besides you.”

Napangiti ako roon.

“’Tsaka mabait din si Serj… I’m sure he’ll give us his blessings.”

He took care of me too. Doon pa lang, alam ko nang boto sa akin si Serj para sa kapatid n’ya.

But Killian had a look on his face that I couldn’t describe. He was… frowning. There was even a grimace on his face. Para bang may sinabi akong hindi kapani-paniwala.

“Si Serj? Mabait? That doesn’t sound right.”

Hinampas ko ang balikat n’ya.

“’Wag ka ngang ganyan sa kapatid mo!”

Killian chuckled. Niyakap n’ya ako nang mahigpit.

“We need to talk to him when we get back to Russia.”

I nodded at that.

“But for now… let me enjoy my time with you and Kaz…”

I smiled and hugged him back. That was what I wanted too anyway. Wala pa sa plano kong bumalik sa Russia sa ngayon. Gusto kong sulitin ang oras ko sa kanila ni Kaz nang walang ibang inaalala.

“Mommy? Daddy?”

Napahiwalay ako kay Killian nang marinig ang boses ni Kazimir. He was in the doorway, looking at us. He was fidgeting and playing with the hem of his pajama top. His mannerisms when he wanted something but needed my permission first.

“Yes, baby?” I asked.

He looked.

“Can Kaz have a hug too?”

Nagkatinginan kami ni Killian. Then we both smiled at each other before looking at our son.

“Of course. Come here.”

Napangiti nang malawak si Kaz nang lumapit sa ‘min. Sumampa s’ya sa kama at pareho namin s’yang niyakap ni Killian. Kaz giggled when he was enveloped in his parents’ hug.

I sighed in contentment while hugging them. I love them both so much, and I can’t wait to wake up every day knowing that I have them in my life.

Chapter 60

Serj advised us to return to Russia before the campaign period of the Philippine national election started. Just in case lang na raw na magkagulo at hindi na kami madamay. But Killian explained it to me more, apparently, Natalia’s father will run for president. Serj wanted us to return to Russia para kung sakali, si Natalia na lang ang babantayan n’ya sa Pilipinas.

It was fine with me. I also think it was time for us to return to Russia. I still wanted to spend time alone with my family but I think we can still do that in the place where my whole family lives. Nami-miss ko na rin naman sila. They didn’t visit us to the Philippines kahit na alam kong gusto rin nila. But they gave us time so Killian and I could spend time together para mabawi namin ang mga oras na nagkahiwalay kami noon.

So, after a year of staying in the Philippines, Killian and I decided to head back to Russia. But before we leave, there is something that I must do.

“Are you sure about this?”

I looked at Killian, who was in the driver’s seat. I was in the middle rear seat with Kaz, who was sitting in the child seat. He looked safe and comfortable in his seat but I still wanted to be beside him to really assure his safety. I think I was just paranoid pero mas gusto ko nang masiguro ang kaligtasan ni Kaz habang nasa byahe kami.

Though, I felt bad for Killian. Nagmukha kasi s’yang driver namin. But he was fine with it too. Sa tingin ko pa nga, kung hindi ako ang unang nagsabi na tabihan ang anak namin, he’d offer it to me too. Because for some reason, Killian seemed strict with Kazimir’s safety too.

Kaz was already three years old and would turn four in a few months. Ang bilis n’yang lumaki. He was taller than kids his age. Mas naging madaldal na rin s’ya. And we were planning to send him to preschool once he turned four. But to me, he’ll always be our baby.

I looked outside. Marami nang tao sa labas. I think the opening ceremony just ended. And soon, the ribbon cutting will be held too.

I took a deep breath. Nginitian ko si Killian. But I think he could see the nervousness in my smile.

“Yeah… it’s now or never.”

“Alright… just do your thing. Ako nang bahala kay Kaz. We’ll wait for you here.”

This time, my smile was more genuine. I leaned forward to give Killian a kiss before I reached for my gift na nasa pinaka-back seat na upuan ng kotse. I caressed Kaz’s hair before I kissed him on the head.

“I’ll be quick. Don’t give your dad a hard time, okay?”

Kaz smiled at me.

“Okay, Mommy…”

Inayos ko muna ang sarili ko bago tuluyang bumaba ng sasakyan. Mas lalong dumami ang tao. They were huddled at the entrance gate of that public housing. I could see what was happening from here. Nakita kong may nagsasalita, probably the spokesperson from a certain government sector. And just beside him, all holding scissors for the ribbon cutting, was the family who donated funds for this project to happen.

Natapos nang magsalita ang spokesperson and the family took a step towards the ribbon together with the president of the government sector. They all pose for the camera for a while, acting like they are about to cut the ribbon. Nang tuluyan nang magupit ang ribbon, all the cameras flashed while the people clapped for them.

I took a deep breath before I walked towards them. Huminto na muna ako saglit dahil may mga tao pang kumausap sa kanila, particularly at the head of the family, congratulating them for the success of the project. Nang makakita ako ng pagkakaton, nilapitan ko na sila. Isinantabi ko ang kaba at alinlangang naramdaman ko nang tuluyan na akong makalapit.

“Congratulations, Mr. Ainsworth.”

The entire Ainsworth family looked at me. Nakita ko ang bahagyang pagkakatigil nila nang mapatingin sa ’kin. I gripped the handle of the flower basket I was holding as I felt anxious all of a sudden. Lalo nang makita ko ang interes sa mga mata nila.

The wife looked at me from head to toe. The oldest son, probably a few years older than me, regarded me with confusion and interest, ganoon din ang nakita ko sa mga mata ng nakababatang kapatid na babae. I noticed that the son had blonde hair like his father, while his eyes were dark like his mother’s. Ang babae naman ay may itim na buhok katulad ng sa ina, while her eyes were gray like her father’s… like mine.

I forced a smile on my lips and looked at Mr. Ainsworth. May gulat sa mga mata n’ya at bahagya pang namumutla. His hair and eyes were like mine—blonde and gray—features that I got from him.

Napalunok ako. Did he notice? Did they know who I am?

“I hope you’ll accept my gift. Just a token of appreciation para sa successful project na ’to.” Bahagya kong inangat ang dala ko. “Here’s a flower and a fine wine that you can enjoy with your family. Also, a small donation that I wish could help the residents of this public housing.”

Mr. Ainsworth remained staring at me. Napatingin sa kanya ang asawa, mukhang nagtataka na rin sa inaakto ng lalaki.

“William?” She nudged him on the elbow. Nakita ko ang pag-aalangan sa ngiti n’ya.

The man blinked. Napatingin sa asawa bago tumikhim. He looked at me and I saw an emotion in his eyes.

Ah… He knew.

“Thank you…” Kinuha n’ya na rin sa ’kin ang dala ko. “You are?”

“I’m…” Napansin kong lahat sila ay nakaabang sa sasabihin ko. I smiled at them. “Just a citizen, Sir, who’s thankful for your services in the country. Kahit na you have foreign blood, marami kayong naitulong sa mga Filipino.”

The wife beamed at me. There was pride on her face.

“Kaya proud na proud ako asawa ko.” She even held her husband’s hand. “He’s British pero mahal n’ya ang Pilipinas.”

“Baka dahil dito ang bansang kinalakihan n’yo at dito rin kayo nagkakilala, Mrs. Ainsworth. My fiancé learned to love the Philippines too because of me.”

“Oh, you’re a Filipino?” Halata ko ang gulat sa mukha ni Mrs. Ainsworth. “I thought you were a foreigner too.”

Ngumiti lang ako. I didn’t want to elaborate on anything more than that. Mukhang wala s’yang alam kung sino ako.

“May after-party kami pagkatapos nito,” the son said. He was smiling. “Baka gusto mong dumalo.”

Mabilis akong umiling.

“Oh, I’m afraid I can’t,” I politely declined. “Marami pa kasi akong kailangang gawin. I need to head back soon.”

“That’s too bad…” He looked genuinely forlorn pero ngumiti rin ulit. “Maybe next time.”

Nginitian ko na lang s’ya. I knew there would be no next time but of course, I wouldn’t tell them.

“I won’t take up more of your time, so I’ll go ahead,” I said. “Congratulations again.”

They said their goodbyes. Ngumiti na lang ulit ako bago tumalikod. As soon as I turned my back at them, my smile faded. Hindi lumilingon na naglakad ako palayo. I realized that my hands were trembling. Kahit ang mga labi ko ay nanginginig din so, I bit my lower lip. I felt a lump in my throat and it hurt when I gulped it down. Naramdaman ko ring nag-iinit ang mga mata ko.

Why…? I thought I wouldn’t feel anything. It was even the first time I met the man so why do I feel like crying right now?

I thought I wouldn’t care about him. Kaya nga naglakas-loob akong harapin s’ya. I just want to meet my father once. My biological father.

I decided to see him. I wanted to satisfy my curiosity because I knew that even after I decided not to do anything with him, it would still remain a question for me. Either it might be a question that might remain unanswered if I just let it be or a question that will get answered as the answer was already offered in the palm of my hands. I just have to open my hands and look at it.

So, I decided to meet him. Because I didn’t want to have any lingering feelings for my father whom I hadn’t met my entire life. I wanted to give everything to my family, to Killian and Kazimir, and I didn’t want anything to hold me back.

But why do I feel this way right now? Hindi ko alam kung para saan ’tong emosyon na ’to. I wanted to get rid of this feeling. Ayokong bumalik kina Killian at Kaz nang ganito ang nararamdaman ko.

“Wait! Wait, miss!”

I turned around, I wasn’t even sure why I did that. But I saw Mr. Ainsworth, trying to catch up to me. Nag-isip pa ako kung aalis na lang o hihintayin s’ya na halatang may gustong sabihin sa ’kin. But fate already decided for me as even before I could make a decision, he was already in front of me.

“Mr. Ainsworth…”

He tried to catch his breath while staring at me. I hate how we have the same hair and eye color.

“You’re Catherine’s daughter, right?” His voice softened. “Our daughter…”

I smiled bitterly.

“You really know about me.”

“I didn’t at first. Hindi sinabi sa ’kin ni Catherine na…”

Hindi n’ya itinuloy ang sasabihin n’ya at napatingin sa paligid. But I knew what it was anyway. It was just too risky for him to even mention it considering where we are. Hindi ko tuloy ako kung matatawa ako o maiinsulto para kay Mommy.

“And then?” I asked. “Nu’ng nalaman mo na… Did you even do something about it?”

He opened his mouth to say something but he probably didn’t know what to say as he closed it again. Hindi ko na napigilang matawa nang mapakla.

God… why the hell did I even feel like crying because of this man earlier?

“It’s okay, Mr. Ainsworth. I didn’t expect anything from you anyway. You don’t have to feel bad about me.”

“Irina…” So, he knew my name… “I wanted to meet you and your mom but… malayo kayo. My wife will definitely suspect something kapag matagal akong nawala.”

My God… I’m glad I decided to meet him. Nalaman ko kung gaano ka-pathetic ang taong ’to. I would be able to throw away any feelings or thoughts about him.

“I told you, Mr. Ainsworth… Wala talaga akong in-expect galing sa ’yo so, I’m not even disappointed. I was actually glad you didn’t do anything to meet me.”

“I’m sorry…”

I took a deep breath and raked my hair with my fingers. I wanted to end this conversation para makabalik na ako sa mag-ama ko.

“I’m going back to Russia. We’re going to stay there for good. I doubt that I’ll come here again, so this will most likely be our first and only meeting. But if I do return here in the Philippines, I would rather not see you again. So, this is the last time I’ll ever see you.”

I saw regret in his eyes. I was sure there was more he wanted to say but chose not to. And I was thankful for that. I don’t think I was even waiting for any of his explanations. Hindi ko matatanggap kung ano man ang sasabihin n’ya.

He hurt my mom so much. He abandoned her. He abandoned us. It was clear that he didn’t want anything to do with us. And I felt the same for him.

I gave him a polite smile. Just like strangers meeting for the first and last time.

“Goodbye, Mr. Ainsworth.”

Mabilis akong tumalikod at naglakad palayo. With that, itinapon ko na rin ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko. I took a deep breath and heaved a sigh of relief.

Now, I promised that I’d give everything to Killian and Kaz. I promised to live a happy and content life with them. I would give them the love that they deserve.

Mabilis kong natanaw ang mag-ama ko. I saw Kaz running away from his father with all his might while Killian was chasing him, just merely jogging. As he has long legs, he could lessen the distance between them with a few jogs. Nag-alala pa nga akong baka madapa si Kaz but he looked like he was having fun.

Killian caught up with Kaz in no time and carried him with just an arm around Kaz’s waist. Natawa na lang ako sa paraan ng pagkarga n’ya. It looked so… careless but Kaz shrieked and laughed as he balanced himself. Nakita ko rin ang mga ngiti ni Killian na inayos na ang pagkarga sa anak namin.

I had a wide smile on my lips as I walked near them. Pareho silang napatingin sa ’kin na may malawak ding ngiti sa mga labi. They looked so much alike. Habang lumalaki si Kaz ay mas nagiging kamukha ni Killian.

Ah… I wouldn’t be able to get tired of this scene from them.

“Are you done?” tanong kaagad ni Killian pagkalapit ko. He was staring hard at me, searching for anything on my face.

I smiled and nodded. Pinunasan ko ang pawis ni Kaz sa noo gamit ang kamay ko.

“Did you have fun with Daddy?”

“We played!” Itinaas pa ni Kazimir ang mga kamay.

“Irina.”

Napatingin ako kay Killian. There was worry in his eyes. God… I’ll probably fall harder for this man every single day.

“It’s done…” I wiped the sweat on his forehead with my hand too before I caressed his cheek. “I’m okay.”

Ilang sandali s’yang tumitig sa ’kin, sinisigurong walang mali. Then he nodded.

“Should we go home?” he asked.

Home…

I smiled and nodded at him.

“Let’s go back… to Russia.”

We went back to Russia after we settled everything in the Philippines. We got busy right after that. I changed Kazimir’s surname from Morozov to Romanov before Kaz went to school. Killian and Serj became busy because of the Bratva too. Hindi na ako nagtatanong tungkol doon. I admit I still sometimes get anxious, but… I chose to trust Killian with all my heart.

After another year of adjusting, Killian and I started preparing for our wedding.

Ang akala ko ay mamadaliin ni Killian ang kasal namin to make sure that I couldn’t run away from him this time. He was like that anyway. Hindi na nga ako magtataka kung ganoon nga ang gagawin n’ya, but this time, he wanted to prepare thoroughly. He told me he wanted to give me the wedding I deserved.

I was really grateful for that. I wanted to design my own wedding dress and his wedding suit, too. Pati na rin ang sa bridesmaids at groomsmen. Ang plano ko ay ako na ang gagawa sa susuotin namin ni Killian habang ang sa iba ay ang team ko na ang hahawak. So, I needed a long time for the preparation as I wanted my wedding dress and Killian’s suit to be perfect.

Still, I became discreet about him and Kaz in public. Lalo na ngayong ikakasal kami ni Killian, I was so sure that the media wouldn’t let them go and would bother them, especially when they found out about our secret child. Ang gusto ko ay maayos na ang lahat at naikasal na rin kami ni Killian bago ko isapubliko ang lahat.

It wasn’t like I owed the public that, though, but still… I wanted to keep our privacy.

We were both so busy with the preparation that I wasn’t aware of how much time had passed. Two months before our big wedding, Natalia went back to Russia and held her first fashion show.

Even if I was busy, I made time to help her. Kahit na sa mismong event n’ya ay dumalo ako. Hindi ko rin naman gugustuhing mawala sa first fashion show n’ya.

“I am so sorry I’m late!”

Hinihingal pa ako nang lumapit kay Natalia. Goodness, I was so late! I could see that they were getting ready dahil malapit nang magsimula ang show and yet, I just arrived! Tinatapos ko pa kasing tahiin ang wwedding dress ko!

“It’s okay.” She chuckled lightly. “The show hasn’t started anyway.”

“But I wanted to help you.”

I felt frustrated. I even offered to help her on this day pero na-late pa rin ako.

But Natalia shook her head and smiled at me gratefully.

“Irina… You’ve already given me a lot of help and I will be grateful to you for the rest of my life.”

I smiled back at her. Of course, I will help her. She became my friend and I wanted to repay Serj’s kindness. Kung hindi n’ya kami tinulungan ni Killian noon, I don’t think I would be happy like I am right now. So, I wanted to help Natalia and Serj with their relationship too. Although I think they don’t need any help from me anymore.

The show started, and Natalia and I got busy with the models, making sure that there wouldn’t be any wardrobe problems. Tumutulong na rin ako sa pagbibihis ng mga model as I knew that time matters with events like this.

I was busy fixing the dress that was on the racks for the next model when a man approached me. Hindi ko inaasahang sa ganitong event ko s’ya makikita ulit.

“It is good to see you again, Signorina …”

I took a deep breath. He was still calling me that. Hindi ko makakalimutan na isa s’ya sa naging dahilan ng desisyon kong manatili kami ni Killian sa Pilipinas. Although… it helped our relationship. Nakatulong din iyon nang malaki para makabawi kami sa oras na nagkahiwalay kami noon.

“Rio…”

I looked at him. Napatingin din ako sa batang karga n’ya na mukhang inaantok na. The child was leaning on Rio’s head while fumbling with his fingers. Pero ang mga mata ay papapikit na.

I sighed… I wonder what Yeliz saw in this man.

“You don’t look so happy to see me.” Rio feigned hurt. Nairolyo ko na lang ang mga mata ko.

“What do you want this time?”

He smiled. Even now, his smile doesn’t look genuine.

“I just want to congratulate you on your engage—”

“Sshh!”

Mabilis ko s’yang sinaway at napatingin sa paligid. Mabuti na lang at busy ang lahat at walang oras na makinig sa pinag-uusapan namin ni Rio.

Rio chuckled. Mukhang natutuwa sa pagpa-panic ko. I glared at him but he just smirked at me.

“I could tell that you still seem wary of me, Signorina. “

“After what you’ve told me the last time we met and even dragging Kaz about it? Hindi ka na dapat magtaka, Rio.”

“But that was three years ago, Signorina …”

I glared at him. He should be thankful that I was busy and there were people around. Baka kung ano nang nasabi ko sa kanya.

He’s still Killian’s brother though. Ibang-iba s’ya kay Serj na tinulungan pa kami ni Killian sa relasyon namin noon. Habang walang ginawa si Rio kundi ang galitin lang ako lalo pa at idinadamay n’ya si Kazimir.

He let out another chuckle.

“I really didn’t mean any harm back then. I just wanted to let you know the truth about my brother.” He looked at me, feigning ignorance. “And in my defense, I’m not the one you should be wary of for your son.”

I frowned at him.

“What?”

“You know that my brother is the Pakhan’s second in command, right? That means that he isn’t the Bratva’s executioner.”

“Executioner?”

“The one who mastered the art of torture and taught Killian those ways.” His smile turned ominous. “Did you really think that my brother magically knew how to torture someone?”

My frown deepened. I was confused. Is there a proper way to torture? Wasn’t it just hurting someone and killing them in the end?

Shit… What am I thinking? I guess I was used in Killian’s life as a mafia member now.

But then, even before, I realized that I have this twisted side of me that only Killian could make me realize.

I heard Rio laugh. There was something different with his laugh kaya napatitig ako sa kanya. There was a crazy look in his eyes. Nakakatakot… Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon mas lalo kong napapatunayan na magkapatid nga sila ni Killian.

“I finally realized what my brother saw in you…” There was a wide smile on his lips. With that and the crazy look in his eyes, he looked… terrifying.

I gritted my teeth. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong tingnan s’ya sa mga mata kahit nagtataasan ang mga balahibo ko sa takot.

“Stop it, Rio. I don’t think it is something to talk about with a child sleeping in your arms.”

Napatingin s’ya sa batang karga n’ya na tuluyan nang nakatulog sa balikat n’ya. The child looked so peaceful despite the fear I was feeling for the man who was holding him.

No matter how long I looked at them, I still couldn’t see their resemblance.

“I guess you’re right.” The fake smile returned to his lips. “I’ll stop now, Signorina. But… congratulations on… you know what already.”

Saka lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag nang maglakad na s’ya palayo. Sakto naman na may natanggap akong chat galing kay Yakov. A photo of the Editor-in-Chief of Vogue looks like she was enjoying the show. Sa palagay ko ay alam n’yang kinakabahan si Natalia so he wanted to assure her that everything was fine.

I met Yakov briefly while in the Philippines, while I was helping Natalia. I recognized him as the man Natalia had met before. Mukha pang galit si Serj noon nang makita sila but… I think everything’s okay now? Sa tingin ko ay hindi naman papayagan ni Serj na makalapit si Yakov kay Natalia kung hindi.

I showed Natalia the photo that Yakov sent me. Mukha talaga s’yang kabang-kaba at bahagyang nakalma nang ipinakita ko iyon. She really didn’t have to worry about anything. All of her creations were so good that I knew her first fashion show would be successful.

When the show ended, we all headed for the after-party. Pero bago pa ako makapasok sa venue ay may humablot na sa ’kin. I was about to scream when I recognized the warmth of the man who hugged me.

“You scared me!” saway ko kay Killian. Nasa gilid lang kami ng venue and if we weren’t careful, anyone would see us.

Killian chuckled. He looked sexy in his all-black outfit, inner polo, coat, and pants. The first two buttons of his inner were unbuttoned and I had a glimpse of his tattooed chest and neck.

Ah… this sexy man is going to be my husband soon. Mine…

“Let’s go…” Mahina ang boses n’ya, making it sound raspy. Goodness, I think he’s already seducing me and it’s working.

“Where?”

I fisted his hair on the back of his head. Nakita ko kung paano s’ya naapektuhan dahil doon. His green eyes turned a darker shade.

“My place…” His tone was suggesting something.

“Hmm… Where’s Kaz?”

“He’s with… your mom and dad.”

I chuckled. Humigpit ang pagkakayakap n’ya sa katawan ko. I could really feel the warmth from him as our bodies were so close. Kahit ang dibdib ko ay naiipit dahil sa higpit ng yakap n’ya sa bewang ko.

“What’s with the pause? You should really start calling them Mom and Dad too.” After all, my parents already told him to call them that.

“I’m getting there…” He caressed my back. I was wearing a tight body-hugging dress and the fabric was thin kaya ramdam na ramdam ko ang bawat haplos n’ya, as if I wasn’t wearing anything. “So…?”

“Hindi pa tapos ’yung after-party ni Natalia… Hindi pa nga nagsisimula.”

“Serj will take care of her. C’mon… I want to be with you.”

“Magkasama lang tayo kanina.”

He leaned more. Inilapit n’ya ang bibig sa tenga ko para bumulong.

“Gusto na kitang masolo…”

I bit my lower lip. I was smiling even when I was feeling hot with his words.

“I want to hear Natalia’s speech.”

“Damn it, Irina.”

Mukhang naubusan na ng pasenya si Killian. He gripped my hips and pulled me closer to him. I gasped when he rubbed his hardness on me and I had to bite my lower lip hard to stop my moan.

“You look so fuckable in your dress. I want to fuck you right now.” He even bit my earlobe. Hindi ko na napigilan ang ungol ko. “C’mon, love… Put me out of my misery.”

I couldn’t help it anymore. I fisted my hand on his hair and pulled him towards me to fully kiss him. And that was the only thing needed for his patience to snap. He kissed me deeply and forcefully, as if he wanted to devour me right then and there.

He delved his tongue into my mouth, and I welcomed him. Sinubukan kong salubungin ang dila n’ya but I was having a hard time with the way he kissed me. Intensely, deeply, and ferocious.

His hands started to caress my body. He palmed my ass cheeks and grinded his hips on me making me feel how hard he already was. I could feel my skirt rolling up. Hanggang tuhod ang haba ng dress ko at dahil sa marahas n’yang paggalaw, mabilis iyong umaangat as it was tight on my body.

“Killian,” I gasped. I tried to pull away from his kiss pero muli n’yang hinuli ang mga labi ko.

I moaned. Goodness… Kapag hindi pa kami tumigil ngayon, he might really take me here.

“Let’s go…” I said between our kisses. Hinihingal na rin ako. “Let’s go to your place.”

He groaned, clearly frustrated, before he finally pulled away from me. I saw lust and desire in his eyes as he looked at me. He took a deep breath, having a hard time composing himself.

“Okay…”

Mahigpit n’yang hinawakan ang kamay ko at hinila ako papuntang sasakyan. He didn’t let go of my hand even if he was driving fast to his place. I recognized that we were going to his penthouse. He didn’t even greet the men who were guarding the elevator from the basement parking. Hindi n’ya na rin hinintay na magsara ang elevator, he just pushed the button and shoved me to the elevator’s walls before kissing me again.

The way he kissed me was harsh this time. Mariin at may pagmamadali. Parang matagal na nagutom when we were just kissing earlier before I went to Natalia’s fashion show. Sa palagay ko ay isa rin ’yong dahilan kung bakit ako na-late. As we took so much time kissing… and more.

But still, like him, I was craving for him too. I wanted him, again. Hinding-hindi ako magsasawa sa kanya at sa lahat ng mga kaya n’yang iparamdam sa ’kin.

He tried to unzip my dress while still kissing me. But the zipper got stuck. Sa palagay ko ay dahil na rin sa pagmamadali ng kilos n’ya. Ilang beses n’ya pang inulit but to no avail.

“Damn this dress,” he muttered against my lips.

And like the impatient man he was, he took out the folding knife from the breast pocket of his coat. The blade flipped up and I could tell that it was brutally sharp with just a glance.

“Hold still,” he said with gritted teeth, obviously frustrated with my dress when he was just complimenting it earlier.

He cut my dress from the stuck zipper. When he finally got content with the cut, he ripped my dress open, leaving it in pieces on the floor.

The sides of his lips rose for a cruel smirk as he stared at me, completely naked under his gaze.

“Much better,” he muttered before he claimed my lips for another kiss.

I wasn’t aware of when and how we got to the bedroom. All I could think of was his warm lips and wet tongue devouring me, and his touch caressing my body, kung minsan ay panggigigil na pumipisil sa bawat parte ng katawan kong nahahawakan n’ya.

He laid me on the bed, his lips didn’t even leave mine. I was moaning, fisting on his hair and his shirt as I pulled him closer to me.

Hinawakan n’ya ang mga kamay ko at inangat sa ulunan ko. I heard something, like some kind of metal clanging together. But I was too busy answering and feeling his kisses to even mind what it was.

May naramdaman ako sa kaliwang pulsuhan ko and then a sound of a metal locking. Ganoon din sa kanang pulsuhan ko. He let go of my hands and pulled away from the kiss. I moved my hands to pull and kiss him again but something prevented me from doing so.

“What…?”

Napatingala ako. It took me a while before it dawned on me that I was handcuffed to the bed. There were two handcuffs locked on the bedframe, and the other end was locked on my wrists. Sinubukan kong galawain ang mga kamay ko but the handcuffs restrained my movement and all I could hear was the clanging of the metal.

Nanlalaki ang mga matang napatingin ako kay Killian na pinapanood ang reaksyon ko.

“What’s… this?”

My heart beat fast on my chest. I wasn’t sure if it was because of fear or nervousness… Or something more…

Like excitement.

Killian just smirked at me. In his eyes, I saw that he was enjoying what he was looking at.

“So, you won’t be able to run away from me again.”

“Killian…” I felt so out of breath.

“I told you before, right?” He caressed my breast. My breath trembled and my body arched, wanting him to touch my nipple but he didn’t. “That I want you blindfolded and restrained while you beg for me to come all over my cock again.”

I wasn’t sure. Hindi ko na maalala. But with how often he talked dirty to me, maybe he did say that.

My body jerked when he flicked one of my nipples. My body squirmed beneath him. I was so naked pero wala pa rin s’yang inaalis kahit isang piraso sa suot n’ya.

“Do you trust me, Irina?”

He was staring hard at me, waiting for my answer. As if his life depended on it. As if he would stop right there if I told him no, even if it would kill him. His eyes silently begged me to say yes, but I could see that he would still respect whatever I said.

My eyes teared up. I don’t know how deeply I will fall for this man with everything he will do. I will gladly accept him, all of him. Even the darkest side of him. Even if he’s a ruthless man. Even if his temptation brings me to the deepest hell.

So, I nodded. Not because I wanted to satisfy him but because that was how I really felt.

“With all my life, Killian…”

I saw the love in his eyes before he smirked at me. He reached for something on the bedside table. It was red silk. He wrapped the soft cloth around my eyes, preventing me from seeing anything before tying the ends together to the back of my head.

“Too tight?” he asked. His voice sounded a thousand times hotter with my other senses heightened.

Umiling ako.

“No…”

He only covered my eyes and my nose and mouth were still exposed pero nahihirapan akong huminga. I could feel my chest heaving up and down with how hard I was breathing.

“Deep breaths, love…” he murmured. “Hush… I got you.”

Shit… I can’t. I can’t calm down with so much anticipation. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to feel more of him.

He ran his fingers from my neck down to the valley of my breast until it reached my belly. Just before he could reach the most sensitive part, he stopped.

“Killian…” Goodness. I couldn’t breathe.

“Remember my touch, love…”

I could hear my own breathing. Even the beat of my heart. I could even hear the pulsing of my veins. I felt so hot as if I was already in hell.

Only Killian could make me feel like this. Only him…

“You’re so fucking beautiful…”

“More, Killian, please…”

He finally moved his fingers down and started playing with my folds. I could feel his every touch. Mas lalo ngayon na nakapiring ang mga mata ko. It was making me feel crazy. Pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw ako sa bawat haplos n’ya.

“This tight cunt is always wet for me, huh?”

“Yes,” I breathe. “Only for you.”

He chuckled. Shit… God, that sounded so sexy.

I shrieked when I felt his warm mouth sucking my breast while he was still playing with my folds. I was so wet down there. Siguro ay dahil mas dama ko ang bawat ginagawa n’ya.

“Tell me you’re mine, Irina…”

“I’m yours!” I whimpered when he sucked my nipples. “Goodness, Killian…”

He kissed his way down, leaving wet kisses on his trail. I squirmed; the handcuffs clanged when I moved my hands.

I heard Killian chuckle. Mukhang natutuwa sa limitadong galaw ko.

“Killian,” I started to sob. I didn’t know I would cry over this! “Please…”

He didn’t torment me for long. He moved down and lifted my knees until my legs spread for him. Mas ibinuka n’ya pa ang mga hita ko bago ko naramdaman ang mainit n’yang dila sa gitna ng mga hita ko.

“Oh, my God!”

I really cried when he started licking my folds. I was really sensitive so when he inserted his fingers in me, I suddenly came.

But Killian didn’t stop, prolonging my orgasms. I was moaning and crying at the same time as he sucked my clit while his fingers were thrusting in and out of my core.

Holy shit… I can’t. I can’t take this. This was too much. I think I would die because of this!

I tried to move my hands. I wanted him to get away as I really couldn’t take it anymore. But the handcuffs were preventing me from moving. So, I moved my hips, hoping to pull away from him but he gripped my hips down on the bed and licked me more thoroughly.

Fuck! Damang-dama ko ang bawat galaw ng dila n’ya. Every lick and lap of his warm and wet tongue. In no time, I reached another orgasm.

I cried. Holy shit, I really cried. Pawis na pawis ako sa sobrang init ng katawan ko dahil sa ginagawa n’ya.

“No more! Killian, please…” I begged.

If he wouldn’t stop, I think I would really die from feeling so much lust and sensation!

“Please, Killian! Fuck me! Please.”

He chuckled. The ruthless man really chuckled when he knew what he was doing was tormenting me. But he stopped. He finally stopped and I almost uttered a thanks for that.

“There you go… begging for me to fuck your tight pussy.”

I heard him unbuckling his belt. I felt him rubbing the tip of his cock up and down my folds.

“Please…” I begged. I really won’t last any longer.

“Patience, love…” he said with a chuckle.

I lifted my hips so he would know how impatient I was right now. Narinig ko pa ulit ang mahinang pagtawa n’ya. And then, like how he always did it, he rammed his cock forcefully deep into me.

I gasped for air. It was painful but the sensation he had already built was enough for me to feel good. Ilang sandali akong hindi makahinga bago s’ya dahang-dahang gumalaw.

I would think he was being considerate of me with how slowly he was moving in and out of me. But I knew he was doing it to torture me. Because he knew my feelings were heightened by my eyes not seeing anything. Kaya ramdam na ramdam ko ang marahang paggalaw n’ya sa loob ko.

Especially with those piercings. Mas ramdam ko iyon ssa loob ko dahil paraan ng paggalaw n’ya. Mabagal. As if he wanted me to really feel those piercings he had on his cock.

Goodness, he was long and huge. I felt like my insides would always adjust for him. Punong-puno ang pakiramdam ko.

“Killian, please… I’ll die.”

He let out a merciless chuckle.

“Do you really think I’d let you die? You’re going to stay with me for the rest of eternity, Irina…’

“Yes… I will. Please, no more. I can’t.”

“Beg more, Irina. I’m fucking enjoying this.”

“Fuck me more! Faster, please…”

“Ah… this is why I love fucking you… You should see how your tight cunt is sucking me in.”

He started to move faster this time. I came again. But of course, Killian didn’t mind that. He just fucked me without any mercy. Without thinking that I was suffering because of this sweet torture from him.

He gripped my hips. I could feel his fingers digging into my skin, bruising me. Sanay na naman ako roon. He always leaves me bruised and blue after doing this.

I felt him suck my breast again so hard that my nipple hurt. His thumb rubbed on my clit and I felt another orgasm building inside me.

Goodness… This is so… overwhelming.

“Do you think you could leave me again?”

Mabilis akong umiling. Another sob escaped from my throat.

“I won’t… I promise I won’t leave you again.”

“I know…” I knew there was a wide smirk on his lips. “With how your cunt wrapped around my cock, it feels like you just want me to stay inside you forever.”

He was grunting and his pace quickened. I knew he was near. I could feel him getting bigger inside me.

“Fuck,” he grunted. “Come on my cock… C’mon, love…”

And I did… I was coming. Hindi s’ya tumigil s amabilis na paggalaw, prolonging my orgasm. And then, just as I was about to calm down, I felt him shoot his warm loads inside me, grunting as he did so.

Hingal na hingal ako pagkatapos. Naramdaman ko ang bigat ni Killian sa ibabaw ko. He undid my cuffs before he finally removed my blindfold which caused my torture.

“Hello, love…” he gritted. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napaiyak ako roon. “Too much?”

I shook my head and hugged him. It was too much. Pakiramdam ko nga ay hindi ko kakayanin ’yon. But I already decided to accept all of him. Kahit ito. Kahit gaano pa ako nahirapan.

Besides, it was a good feeling. A sweet torture indeed.

“Hush, love…” He hugged me as he lay beside me. Hinaplos n’ya ang likod ko.

It took me a while before I finally calmed down. Nanlalambot ang mga braso kong nakayakap sa kanya.

“I love you so much, Killian…”

I would probably love him even if it killed me. But then, I knew he wouldn’t let me die.

It was always like that. I was too late to realize that. That he was willing to do everything for me. His love was ruthless like him. But that was one of the things I loved about him. Hinding-hindi ko ipagpapalit ang paraan ng pagmamahal n’ya.

With his ruthless love, I felt happiness. He made me realize things I couldn’t even see. He opened my eyes to the world and taught me to accept my twisted side. Because like me, he was willing to accept even my darkest side too.

He gave me so much. He even gave me Kazimir, who became my hope when I felt like the world was crushing me down. Na kahit wala s’ya sa tabi ko, siniguro n’yang may mapagkukunan ako ng lakas. Ng pag-asa. Because he was always like that. He never leaves me alone.

And with that, with everything he gave me, I promised that I would repay him. I’ll stay with him. I’ll love him with everything and even more than I could give.

I’ll love him and the family that we will build together.

I heard him chuckle. Naramdaman ko ang paghalik n’ya sa buhok ko bago mahigpit akong niyakap.

“I’m so fucking in love with you, Irina… I’ll give you all the good things in this world. Even the darkest if that’s what you want.”

I smiled. Ah… right. That’s how his love was.

And I’ll gladly accept all of it.

Epilogue (Part 1)

TRIGGER WARNING:

This chapter contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing, including graphic depictions of violence, child abuse, rape, and sexual abuse. 

Reader discretion is advised.

---

My earliest memory when I was a kid was probably with a woman. Though that certain memory was a blur, I knew she was smiling at me. I couldn’t see her face, but the warm smile on her lips was so clear as she looked down at me. I think I was sleeping on her lap. I could feel the end of her hair tickle my face.

And then there was a giggle. It was the voice of a little boy, but I didn’t think it was mine because he called me his brother… and the woman was his mom.

Maybe… maybe they’re my family…

I snickered at that thought.

Right… Family, my ass.

There was no fucking way someone like me would have a family in the state I was in and with where I was right now.

I can’t remember when I started to live in hell.

Or maybe… That memory wasn’t actually a memory. Maybe it was just a dream. Because it was something I badly wanted. I wanted that peaceful dream so much that I mistook it for a distant memory.

Then, if that was the real case, I got it wrong.

My earliest childhood memory was waking up from that dream. It wasn’t because I had a wonderful night’s sleep, but because I was in pain. I’d wake up from that dream because someone was beating me.

Today was just like any other day. Mas nauna kong naramdaman ang sakit bago ko pa maidilat ang mga mata ko. It was a usual day, and I should’ve gotten used to it, but the pain was always there. It didn’t leave. It was always with me.

“Sino’ng may sabing pwede kang matulog, ha?!”

I felt another kick in my gut, and I felt an urge to hurl. But there was nothing in my stomach. Wala rin akong maisusuka dahil wala akong kinain kagabi. Hindi ko na nga maalala kung kailan huling nagkaroon ng laman ang tyan ko.

“Akala mo yata nasa hotel ka. Putangina, gumising ka sabi!”

He kicked me again, and I think I heard another rib break. Or was it just his usual kick? Hindi ko alam. Ang sakit-sakit ng buong katawan ko.

Was there any time in this fuck-up life when I didn’t feel any pain? I couldn’t remember.

Or… Maybe this is how it should feel? Maybe it wasn’t just me. Maybe this was just a normal feeling.

“Baka patay na kaya hindi magising…” Nakarinig ako ng tawa. That voice was from another man.

“Tinatamad lang ’tong putanginang ’to! Kahit mamatay ’to, bubuhayin ko. Pagbabayarin ko ’to sa pinapakain natin sa hayop na ’to.”

I almost laughed. Wala akong dapat bayaran. Not once did they give me proper food. Palagi iyong panis na. ’Yung itatapon na nila dahil hindi na pwedeng kainin. Or sometimes, if they were generous, iyong mga tira nila ang pinapakain sa ’kin.

I felt a tight grip on my hair, pulling me up. I winced, as it almost felt like my hair would rip off my scalp. Dahil sa pwersa ay napaupo ako at naidilat ang mga mata. The first thing I saw was the fucking face of a man who always beat me whenever he saw me.

“Tinatawanan mo ba ’ko?”

There was a stinky smell coming from his mouth. Nakakasuka. Kahit gaano pa kasangsang ang amoy sa lugar kung nasaan kami, hinding-hindi ako masasanay sa baho ng hininga n’ya.

Tumitig lang sa ’kin ang gago. I stared back at him, wishing I could stab him in the eye. Maybe he noticed my bloodlust dahil napansin kong nadagdagan ang galit sa mukha n’ya. And then, he slapped me hard on the face, and I went face down on the floor. I tasted blood in my mouth. Siguro, nagkasugat na naman ang mga labi ko sa lakas ng sapak n’ya.

Hinablot n’ya ulit ang buhok ko at sapilitang pinaupo.

“’Di ba sinabi kong ’wag kang titingin ng ganyan?” He slapped me again. “Ibaba mo ’yang tingin mo!”

“Ano ba? Ang aga-aga!” Iyong isang lalaki ulit ang nagsalita. “Tinigilan mo na nga ’yan! Nauulol ka na naman.”

“Nakakatarantadong tumingin ’tong isang ’to, eh! Parang gusto akong patayin!”

“Baka kaya ka kasing patayin.” The other man laughed. “Balita ko big time na mga criminal sa ibang bansa ’yung pamilya ng batang ’yan. Baka balikan ka ng mga ’yon.”

“Dalawang taon na sa ’tin ’tong batang ’to. Malamang pinabayaan na ’to.” He scoffed. “’Di ba nu’ng una hindi pa nga ’to nakakaintindi ng Tagalog?”

“Ikaw ba namang ba namang palagi mong pinag-iinitan. Baka natuto ng Tagalog dahil sa ’yo.”

They both laughed. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano’ng pinagtatawanan nila. Mga wala lang siguro sa tamang pag-iisip ang mga taong ’to.

Oh, how I wish they did… Maybe I’d get to understand why I was treated like this.

The man who was holding me stared at me again. Parang pinag-iisipan kung ano’ng gagawin sa ’kin. Nakita ko pa kung paano lumiwanag ang mukha n’ya nang siguro may maisip na gagawin gamit ang bulok n’yang utak.

“Patayin ko na lang kaya ’to?”

“Gago! Patay ka kay Boss. Pwede mong bugbugin ’yang kahit magsawa ka pa pero ’wag mong papatayin. May plano pa si Boss d’yan.”

The man tsked. He looked dissatisfied that he couldn’t do what he wanted to me. And I felt triumph when I saw that expression, and my lips curled into a smirk. Inaasahan ko na ang malakas n’yang suntok sa mukha ko nang makitang napangisi ako.

“Hindi mo ba narinig? Pwede pa rin kitang bugbugin, gago!” Tumayo s’ya. He stepped on my head, keeping it down on the floor. “Bubugbugin kita hanggang sa gustuhin mo na lang mamatay!”

He put so much pressure on his foot that I felt like my head would be crushed. It fucking hurt so much, but I didn’t let any sound come out of my mouth. He would enjoy it, and I wouldn’t give it to him. Mas gugustuhin ko nang mamatay kaysa bigyan ng kasiyahan ’tong gagong ’to sa ginagawa n’ya.

I felt blood trickling down my nose. Ah, fuck… Nahihilo ako. I tried not to lose consciousness, pero masyado nang madiin ang pagkakatapak n’ya sa ulo ko. I felt like throwing up again, but I couldn’t move.

This was just my usual morning, but I still haven’t gotten used to it.

There was a knock on the door before it opened. Nabawasan ang pwersa ng pagkakatapak sa ’kin dahil pareho silang napatingin sa pumasok.

“Mga Sir, nakahanda na ang almusal n’yo. Dumating na rin si Boss. Hinihintay na kayo.”

It was her. Again. The smile on her face was annoying. She dared to smile when I was on the ground like this, writhing in pain.

That girl was already here when I was brought to this fucked-up place. She was one of the older kids, five years older than me, kaya ang turing ng ibang mga bata sa kanya ay nakakatandang kapatid. She looked after the kids, guiding them on what to do para hindi sila pag-initan ng mga gagong lalaking ’yon.

But I hated her. Because somehow, she got the favor of the boss. She could eat decent food. They weren’t beating her. They even dolled her up. Walang makikitang kahit anong pasa o sugat sa katawan n’ya.

Maybe that was why she was acting as if she could command those kids. But not me. I always defied them. Kaya ako ang palaging pinag-iinitan ng mga tarantadong ’yon.

Naramdaman ko muna ang pagdiin ng paa sa ulo ko bago nawala ang buong bigat. But before the fucking asshole took a step away from me, he spit, which landed on my hair.

“Basura,” he muttered before walking towards the girl. “Buti pa ’tong si Rose. Masunurin. Lagi pang mabango. Kaya ang sarap panggigilan, eh.”

He even smacked the girl’s butt, which fucking disgusted me. But the girl just kept on smiling. Kahit na nagtawanan ang dalawang lalaki.

“Kay Boss ka ulit mamaya?” I heard one of the men ask.

“Oo. Hanggang next month na lang.”

He tsked.

“Sayang. Last na pala ’yon.” He glanced at me. “Sige na. Ikaw na’ng bahala sa pesteng ’yan. Nakakasira ng umaga.”

As soon as the men left the room, the girl closed the door. Wala na rin ang ngiti n’ya at seryoso ang mukhang nilapitan ako.

“Na-late ka na namang gumising…” she said. “Kaya ka nabubugbog, eh.”

I glared at her.

“I was fucking sleepy, alright?”

“Sinabi ko naman kasi sa ’yong umidlip ka kapag may pagkakataon. Naabutan ka tuloy nilang tulog.” She stared at me. “Isang linggo ka na yatang walang tulog, ’no? Nangingitim na mga mata mo.”

I looked away. She was right. I haven’t slept for seven days. Iniiwasan kong matulog pero kagabi, hindi ko na talaga napigilan ang antok ko. I didn’t even realize that I was sleeping. Basta, iyong pangbubugbog na agad ang bumungad sa ’kin.

“They’d still beat me up anyway,” I muttered. “Sinulit ko na lang ’yung tulog ko.”

She sighed. Mula sa bulsa ng shorts n’ya, naglabas s’ya ng basang towel. She started wiping my face. Napapangiwi ako kapag may natatamaan s’yang mga sugat. Hindi pa rin kasi magaling ang mga sugat na natanggap ko noong nakaraang araw lang. She wiped my hair last, removing that disgusting spit from that man.

“Sundin mo na lang kasi sila para hindi ka na nila saktan.”

I scoffed.

“Easy for you to say. You have a better life here. Hindi ka kasi nila binubugbog kahit ano’ng gawin mo.”

Hindi s’ya nagsalita. Tahimik lang s’yang pinupunasan ang buhok ko. She was always like this. Taking care of all the kids, including me. Kahit na alam n’yang galit ako sa kanya.

Ah… there was something for which I was grateful to her. She helped me learn their language. Dahil kapag hindi ko naiintindihan ang sinasabi ng mga lalaking ’yon, sinasaktan lang ulit nila ako.

I was… grateful. Although learning the language didn’t lessen how much they beat me up, I could finally understand what was happening around me, at least. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano’ng sinasabi nila noong una. I couldn’t understand them. And it added to the fear I felt, knowing nothing about the place, knowing nothing about where I was.

But now… I wasn’t confused anymore. Somehow, I had hope that I could survive in this place.

“Eto, oh. Tatlong pandesal. Kainin mo na. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ulit kita mabibigyan ng matinong pagkain.”

I took the bread from her. Hindi na ako tumanggi. I was fucking starving. Masakit na masakit pa ang buong katawan ko. Hindi ko nga alam kung kaya kong kumilos sa araw na ’to.

“Sige na. Baka hanapin na ’ko ni Boss.”

She left after that. Pinagpatuloy ko lang ang pagkain ko. It wasn’t enough to satisfy my hunger pero panglaman tyan na rin ’yon. Kaysa naman sa mga panis na pagkain na sasakit lang ang tyan ko pagkatapos kong kainin.

I didn’t know how the hell I ended up here. I couldn’t remember where I was before this. O kung nasa ibang lugar man ako bago napunta sa impyernong ’to. I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t even remember my name. Or if I ever have a name. Namulat na lang akong ginagawa na ang mga pinapagawa sa ’min ng lalaking ’yon.

I didn’t know what kind of place this was, but I knew those men weren’t good. They used us kids to steal and beg people for food. Ikinakalat kami sa kung saan-saang lugar para magnakaw at mamalimos. And if they weren’t satisfied with the amount we got, they would beat us up again, telling us to do better next time or else, they would kill us.

I tried to escape so many times, but they would always catch me. At kapag nahuhuli nila, mas malalang bugbog ang ibinibigay nila sa ’kin. I got my ribs broken so many times, and they just healed on their own. Nasanay na ang katawan ko sa sakit. Mas madalang pa nga ang oras na hindi ako nakakaramdam ng sakit.

I fucking hated this place. We were all suffering. Ang babaeng lang ’yon ang hindi kaya mas lalong nadagdagan ang galit ko sa kanya.

Then I found out why.

That was another night when I cleared the top floor of this rundown building where we stayed. It was also the floor where the boss’ room was. It was already midnight, and I noticed the light coming out of the gap in the door. Lalagapasan ko na lang sana. I knew better than to get involved with the boss pero nakarinig ako ng boses na parang nasasaktan. I immediately recognized that it was from that girl.

I was confused. Tumatak kasi sa isip ko na hindi s’ya sinasaktan ng kahit sino sa mga lalaking ’yon. It was my curiosity that led me to peek at what was happening inside. And the scene I saw will forever be etched in my mind.

I saw that girl bent over the table. Her skirt was up, and the boss was moving behind her. I could see on her face that she was in pain. Ilang sandali akong hindi nakagalaw. I think my mind stopped working at that time.

I was exposed to all of the horrible things at this young age. Nakagawa ako ng mga masasamang bagay sa murang edad pa lang. I was aware of it, of the darkest side of this world. Kaya alam na alam kung ano’ng ginagawa ng hayop na lalaking ’yon.

She caught my eyes, and they widened. Humakbang ako para pumasok. Ewan ko, tangina. It was fucking disgusting. Mas nasusuka lang ako sa nakikita ko ng mga oras na ’yon kumpara kapag sinisipa o sinusuntok ang sikmura ko.

But the girl shook her head. There was a warning in her eyes. Nakita ko ang takot sa mga mata n’ya. Not for her, but for me.

She was only twelve. And yet… And yet…

Fuck. I regretted that time when I told her that she had a better life here. I regretted getting envious of her. I regretted that time when I always blamed her for not doing anything when the kids were getting beaten up.

I was a fucking hypocrite. Because I also didn’t do anything that time, even when I saw her at that time.

I couldn’t remember how I got back to the room where the kids stayed. I just remembered sitting on the corner while all of the others were fast asleep. They all looked innocent, oblivious to how hellish this place really was.

I didn’t know what to feel. There was a stronger feeling in my chest. As if something was burning. Pero hindi ko alam kung paano ilalabas ’yon.

Hindi ako gumalaw kahit nang bumukas ang pinto. I didn’t move, even when that girl sat in front of me. I just stared at her. It was the only time I saw in her face how much she suffered too.

“Kailan pa?” I asked.

She just shook her head. Nakita kong parang maiiyak pa s’ya.

It was then I recognized the rage inside my chest. I wanted to set this place on fire. We were all living in hell already anyway.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.”

She shook her head again. Humawak ang mga kamay n’ya sa braso ko.

“Hindi mo sila kaya. Papatayin ka lang nila.”

“Hahayaan mo lang ulitin n’ya?”

“Hanggang next week na lang naman. Aalis na rin ako rito.”

“Tatakas ka? Sasama ako!”

She shook her head firmly.

“Hindi… Ilalagay lang nila ako sa ibang lugar.”

“Saan?” She didn’t say anything. “Rose, saan?”

She smiled.

“Iyan ang unang beses tinawag mo ko sa pangalang ’ya.”

“Saan ka nga dadalhin? Ligtas ba ang lugar na ’yon? Mas okay ba ’yon kaysa sa impyernong ’to?”

I waited for her to say something. But instead, she just brushed my hair with so much affection in her eyes. As if she was reminiscing about something… Or about someone.

“Alam mo bang sa lahat ng mga bata rito, sa ’yo ako naging mas maalaga? Naalala ko kasi sa ’yo ang kapatid ko. Lalaki rin s’ya at kasing-edad mo. Seven years old na rin s’ya ngayong taon.”

I stared at her. The main reason why I had that disgusting idea that the boss favored her was because she was pretty. She didn’t like the rest of the kids, or the people in this place. Like me, she had a different eye color. Hers was hazel, while mine was green. I had a vague idea that, like me, she wasn’t really from here. That she also just learned the language because it was needed in this place.

“Kaya pangako mo sa ’kin, kapag wala na ako rito, susundin mo na sila. Wala nang mag-aalaga sa ’yo kapag binugbog ka na naman, sige ka.”

“Rose—”

“Pangako mo sa ’king makakaalis ka rito… Na mabubuhay ka.”

I felt her hands shaking. She was pleading with her eyes. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nalaman na hindi talaga ako ang nakikita n’ya sa mga oras na ’yon kahit nakatingin s’ya sa ’kin. She was seeing her brother.

And she wanted me to make a promise. Through me, she somehow wanted to think that her brother would be okay too.

So, I nodded.

“I promise.”

That was the last time I saw her.

But it was not the last time I had heard about her. It was then that I learned everything I could about this place. And the reason we were brought there.

But by the time I learned who she really was, I heard the news about her death.

Epilogue (Part 2)

TRIGGER WARNING:

This chapter contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing, including graphic depictions of violence, child abuse, rape, and sexual abuse.

Reader discretion is advised.

---

I always tried to escape whenever I had the chance. Hindi pa rin ako sumuko kahit na halos ikamatay ko ang pagbubugbog nila sa tuwing nahuhuli nila ako. I wanted to get out of here. I didn’t have any idea what was waiting for me out there, but I knew it wouldn’t be as bad as in this place. I had a thought that I would be able to survive kapag nakaalis ako sa lugar. Because right now, I felt like I was slowly dying, and I didn’t want to die in a place like this. I didn’t want this to be my final resting place.

The longer I stayed in that place, the more frequently I got beaten up. Mas lalong naging marahas ang pagbugbog nila in a pretense to discipline me, as I was the most disobedient among the kids. They said that I wasn’t a good example for them, and they would even beat me up in front of the kids to let them know what would happen in case someone did what I did.

But I think they also got more violent because there was nothing to appease their anger anymore. There was no Rose, who might’ve been the only one appealing to the eyes in a place like that. Mas lalo ring naging magulo ang mga bata nang makaalis si Rose dahil wala nang nag-aalaga at tumitingin sa kanila. It had been a year that no one would treat my wounds and give me proper food too.

And those fucking men took their anger on me. Every single one of them was beating me up. They also made me do disgusting things that they deemed fun.

It wasn’t long before I realized that people are the true evil. Some are putting on masks and pretending to be good, but everyone has an ugly side to them. And some people are just pure evil. There is no such thing as pure beauty in this world.

Devils aren’t in hell and are actually here on earth. This world is true hell. Those who are oblivious to the horror that’s happening in this world or are just turning a blind eye are those who have the privilege and the power to do so. And those who are powerless are the ones who get to experience what it actually feels like to live in a living hell.

“Hoy, halika ka rito.”

I gritted my teeth. They were drinking alcohol. And they were worse than the fucking devil himself when they were drunk. At ako na naman ang nakitang nilang paglaruan.

Well, fuck. There was nothing new about that. But no matter how I readied myself for what they were about to do to me, I knew it’d still be horrible.

“Ano?”

I glanced at the table. There was money in it besides the alcohol. Alam kong binibilang nila ang kinita ng mga bata ngayong araw. But since I tried to escape again just last week, hindi nila ako pinapalabas. That was why their ways became more violent again.

There was a chuckle. Galing a gagong tumawag sa ’kin. Mukhang ’di pa makapaniwala na napatingin sa mga kasama.

“Ibang klase rin talaga ang tapang nitong batang ’to. Kahit patayin na sa bugbog, ’di pa rin tumitino.”

“Nasa dugo na n’yan. ’Di ba nga criminal din pamilya n’yan.”

“Kaya nga mas nakakaganang bugbugin, eh. Hindi talaga tumitiklop kahit ano’ng gawin.”

They all laughed, and I was fucking pissed. Tatawagin ako tapos papatayuin lang ako ro’n. Kung may plano na naman silang gawin sa ’kin, I wish they’d get it done already. I didn’t want to see those ugly faces any longer.

“Ang sama na namang makatingin ng tarantado, oh!” He glanced at someone. “Boss, gusto mo ng magandang palabas?”

I looked at the man he was talking to. No doubt he was the boss of the group. He was wearing a button-down shirt and pants that were made from a fine fabric. There was a gold chain necklace on his neck. Sa mga araw at oras na ginugol ko sa kalsada sa pamamalimos o pagnanakaw, I already learned how to differentiate people. Kung sino ang mayaman sa hindi. Kung sino ang may mamahaling damit, bag, o wallet man.

And this man was on the rich side.

He was smoking tobacco. Ang puting buhok at bigote ay maayos ang pagkakahit. He looked respectable, but he was really a rotten man.

I still can’t forget that one time I saw him with Rose and what he was doing to her. I was sure that wasn’t the first time he did it.

Ah… out of everyone here, this man is the one I wanted to kill the most.

“Ano na naman ba ’yan?”

“Turuan ko lang ng leksyon ’tong bata, boss. Mag-e-enjoy ka rito.”

The boss looked at me. Pinasadahan pa ng tingin ang kabuuan ko. His stares fucking disgusted me.

“Bahala ka.”

That was the only permission the man was waiting for. He laughed and nodded to the other men as a signal. Nagulat na lang ako nang hablutin ako ng isa at sapilitang inangat sa lamesa. Nang magsimula akong manlaban ay may isa pang humawak sa ’kin. I tried to fight them off, screaming curses at them while doing so. I used all my strength para makawala sa kanila but I was young. I couldn’t fight with these three grown-up men as they pinned me down on the table.

Ang mga bote ng alak sa lamesa ay nabasag sa sahig. Pati ang mga pera ay nagkalat pero wala akong pakialam at nilabanan pa rin sila. Nakalmot ko pa ang isa sa kanila at hindi na ako nagulat nang may malakas na sampal ang dumapo sa mukha ko kasabay ng suntok sa sikmura ko.

“Tumigil ka nga!”

Fucking dumbass. Did he really fucking think I’d do that? Mas lalo lang akong nanlaban. I knew I couldn’t win, so it would be better to annoy them instead.

“Ayusin n’yo nga ’yan,” narinig kong utos ng boss. Mukhang nainis na rin dahil sa mga nagkalat.

“Nagagalit na si boss, ’oy.”

Someone held my head down. Nakita kong iyon ang lalaking tumawag sa ’kin,

“Paiinumin lang kita,” he said. “Pasalamat ka pa nga hindi ka na mauuhaw, eh. Wala ka rin namang kinain ngayon, ’di ba?”

I was thinking he’d make me drink alcohol. Inisip ko pa nga na hindi naman ’yon ganu’ng kalala kumpara sa pambubugbog nila sa ’kin.

But when the man unzipped his pants, I almost laughed to myself.

Fuck… Bakit ba hindi ko naisip na mas may ilalala pa sila?

I didn’t want this. I didn’t know how long I could take any of this anymore. I wanted to escape, to disappear. I never wanted any of these shits.

Sinubukan ko pa ring malaban but I got whacked on the head so hard that it was enough to make me feel dizzy. Halos umikot ang paningin ko pero kitang-kita ko nang itutok ng lalaki ang ari n’ya sa mukha ko.

“Iihi ako. Inumin mo.”

Fucking shit.

Sa kabila lang hilo ay sinubukan ko pa ring manlaban. He tried to open my mouth, and I felt his warm piss on my face. Ang iba ay napunta sa bibig ko. I thrashed my head to the side pero tuloy lang sa pag-ihi ang lalaki hanggang sa ang buong ulo ko ay nabasa nang matapos s’ya.

It was fucking disgusting kaya nang binitiwan nila ako ay inilabas ko ang laman ng tyan ko. It was painful, as all I could throw up was acid dahil wala naman akong kinain. Still, I vomited everything. My eyes teared up. I could smell that disgusting piss all over my face. Rinig ko ang tawanan ng mga lalaki habang nagsusuka ako.

Shit. Putang ina… I don’t want this. Ayoko na. I wanted all of this to end. Why the hell did I have to experience these things? Why me? Why did I have this kind of life?

Madalas kong marinig sa kanila na may pamilya ako. Tinatawanan pa nga nila na sa kabila ng pagiging big time criminal daw ng pamilya ko ay nakuha nila ako. It made them proud. It boosted their ego. But all it did to me was to question my existence.

Why am I even here? Is my family looking for me? Bakit nandito pa rin ako? Did they even try to look for me? Bakit hinayaan nila akong mapunta sa lugar na ’to?

I’ve been here for almost four years already. Hindi naman ako sumukong makaalis sa lugar na ’to pero palagi nila akong nahuhuli.

Should I give up now? Should I accept that maybe… I was meant to suffer in this hell?

Palala nang palala ang ginagawa nila. As days went by, I stopped looking for a reason why I was in this situation. I stopped asking myself why. I stopped thinking altogether. Tinanggap ko na lang ang mga ginagawa nila sa ’kin. In that way, I wouldn’t be disappointed. I wouldn’t hope. I didn’t want to hope anymore, as it hurt every time.

I just waited for the day that I’d die. In that way, I’d finally be able to escape from here. Sa ganoong paraan lang ako makakawala sa sitwasyong ’to.

Until one night, when the boss called for me in his room. He had never laid a hand on me before, but that didn’t mean that he was a good person. He stopped his men whenever he saw them beating me up. Kaya nang ipatawag n’ya ako, I had the thought that he’d probably beat me up too.

Ang table ang una kong nakita pagkapasok ko sa kwarto. That very table where I saw Rose bent over before. May nakapatong na bote ng alak at babasaging baso roon. Pagkatapos ay napatingin ako sa sofa kung saan nakaupo ang boss, wearing only a bathrobe while smoking a tobacco.

“Tawag mo raw ko, boss?”

He motioned for me to go near him with a flick of his finger. It pissed me off, but I couldn’t do anything. Naglakad ako at tumigil sa harapan n’ya.

He didn’t say anything. Tumitig lang sa ’kin. Mula ulo hanggang paa. I’ve seen a lot of evil people, but his eyes right now were… horrifying.

“Binugbog ka na naman nila?” He pointed at the corner of his mouth. Nakita siguro ang pasa sa gilid ng mga labi ko.

“Nu’ng isang araw pa,” I said.

“Ah… ’Di pa nawawala ang mga pasa?”

I didn’t say anything. He laughed it off. Nagsalin s’ya ng alak sa baso.

“Drink,” he said.

I have no idea what he was thinking or what he’d make me do. Pero hindi ako gumalaw. I knew better than to drink that beverage.

The boss laughed again.

“Sige na. Alak lang ’yan. Kailangan mo ’yan ngayon.”

I still didn’t move and stared at the glass. He laughed, dismissing my rudeness, and just puffed his tobacco.

“Kilala mo si Rose, ’di ba? Alam mo bang kagaya mo rin s’ya?” Nang hindi ako magsalita ay nagpatuloy s’ya. “Both have foreign blood and children of criminals. Big time ang mga pamilya n’yo sa ibang bansa. Lalo na ’yung sa ’yo.”

I already heard that. I came from a family of big-time criminals. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ang pamilya ko. O kung saang lugar ako galing. I stopped thinking about that anymore.

“Kaya nga ang ganda ng mga lahi n’yo. Lalo na si Rose. Ang ganda-ganda. Mabango. Batang-bata.”

She’s literally a fucking child, asshole. You knew that, and yet you did those things to her.

I clenched my fist. I wanted to kill this man. He’s the boss. Maybe… maybe I could get out of here if I kill him.

I dismissed that thought as quickly as it came into my mind. No. I didn’t want to try anymore. Ilang beses lang ba ako mabibigo? Ilang beses lang ba akong mawawalan ng pag-asa sa tuwing nahuhuli nila ako?

“Pero wala na si Rose. May bumili na sa kanya.” He laughed. “Wala na rin akong parausan.”

I looked up to him. Nakangiti s’ya. I’ve seen a lot of smiles, and people in this place smile in a way that is spine-chilling.

“Ikaw na lang ang ipapalit ko. Iba rin ang lahi mo. Masarap sa matang tingnan.”

What…?

Napaatras ako nang buksan n’ya ang robang soot. He wasn’t wearing anything underneath, and I saw that he was already rock-hard. Naisipan kong tumakbo palabas ng kwarto ’yon. But before I could move my feet, he grabbed me so forcefully in the arm. Halos mabali ang braso ko sa lakas ng paghatak n’ya sa ’kin.

“’Wag!”

I fought him off but he was strong. Mas malakas pa sa mga lalaking ’yon at balewala akong pinadapa sa lamesa. Nabasag ang bote ng alak at baso sa sahig. I was trembling. Nanlalaki ang mga mata ko sa nangyayari.

“Ayoko sanang ipagbili si Rose. Nag-e-enjoy pa ’ko sa kanya, eh. Pero regular na kliyente ko kasi ’yon.”

He pulled my shorts off. Hindi ko malabanan ang lakas n’ya.

“Kaya ikaw na lang ang ipapalit ko. Pwede ka rin naman. Bata at ibang lahi rin.”

When he entered me from behind, it was so fucking painful that I screamed and cried. Pakiramdam ko, mamamatay ako ng sandaling ’yon.

I bleed after that. Nilagnat din ko at ilang araw na hindi makabangon. The difference this time, the men took care of me. Pinaliguan at pinakain nila ako. Hindi na rin nila ako binubugbog.

I knew why they changed. Ganito rin ang dahilan kung bakit hindi sinasaktan ng mga lalaki si Rose noon. Because the boss was doing those disgusting things.

Ilang beses pang naulit ’yon. At that point, I asked myself again a why question.

Why am I still alive?

But it wasn’t the only thing that the boss did to me. Nilagyan n’ya rin ako ng tattoo sa dibdib. It was fucking painful, and it even got infected because I couldn’t take care of it. Ilang araw din akong nilagnat dahil doon.

Halos isang taon ding ganoon ang ginagawa sa ’kin. I just learned to accept what was happening to me. Nawalan na ako ng ganang manlaban. And the boss was somehow pleased that I wasn’t fighting him off anymore.

Still, I didn’t feel like a human anymore. I was… dirty. I felt disgusted with myself. Pakiramdam ko, mas madumi pa ako sa mga basura. Na mas masahol pa ako sa hayop. Ang liit-liit ng tingin ko sa sarili ko.

But still, I didn’t know why, after all of that, I suddenly woke up one day wanting to try and get out of that place again. I think I had a chance to escape at that time. Maluwag na ang trato ng boss sa ’kin dahil nga hindi na ako nanlalaban. The men didn’t seem wary of me anymore.

I made a plan to escape. I waited for the right timing. And when it came, I grabbed that one-time chance.

Wala ang boss noon at nag-iinuman na naman ang mga lalaki. I waited for them to get drunk. But one of them beat me up again. Nakalimutan siguro ang trato sa akin ng boss dahil sa sobrang kalasingan.

I waited for him to get tired of beating me up and fell asleep in exhaustion. Masakit na masakit ang buong katawan ko. My ribs got broken. I couldn’t even open one of my eyes. But still, I tried to get out of there. Dahil pakiramdam ko, iyon na lang ang oras na makakatakas ako at kapag pinalagpas ko pa ’yon, hindi na ulit ako magkakaroon ng ibang pagkakataon.

When I got out, I ran away as fast as I could with my beaten-up body. I ran as far as I could. Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta. Kahit saan. Tangina, kahit sa impyerno pa ’yan, ’wag lang akong bumalik sa lugar na ’yon.

Please… this time. Let me fucking escape. Please, get me the fuck out of there!

When I felt exhausted, I rested for a while. Hindi na kasi kaya ng katawan ko. Fuck, it fucking hurt. My broken ribs were so fucking painful.

I wanted to recover a bit of my strength first before I planned to run again. Umupo ako sa gilid ng kalsada, sa madilim na parte. I pretended to be a homeless kid without anywhere to sleep in. I tried not to look like I was a runaway.

It was a quiet night. Halos wala nang tao sa daan noon. Kung meron man, hindi na ako binibigyan ng pansin. Of course, I know very well about human nature.

I looked up to the night sky. There weren’t any stars. Parang kahit sa mga oras na ’yon, ayaw ipakita sa ’kin ng langit ang kahit kaunting ganda ng mundong ’to.

But I was fine with that. Ayos lang sa ’kin ’yon. Basta makawala lang ako sa lugar na ’yon. I prayed that no one would ever find me.

But when a black car stopped in front of me, I felt cold. Naisip ko na baka nahanap na naman nila ako. Na baka kotse iyon ng boss. S’ya lang naman ang may pera sa lugar na ’yon na kayang makabili ng ganoong mamahaling sasakyan.

I was about to get up and run away. Lalo nan ang bumukas ang pinto sa likod ng kotse. But the pain all over my body prevented me from moving. I regretted that I even thought of resting.

Sana tuloy-tuloy na lang akong tumakbo. Kahit ikamatay ko pa ’yung pagod at sakit. Sana hindi na lang ako tumigil!

Fuck, I’m going back to hell again!

“Boy? Are you alright?”

Natigilan ako. It was a different voice. Hindi pamilyar ang boses na ’yon. Iba po ang paraan ng pagsasalita na para bang hindi galing sa lugar na ’yon.

I looked up. A man was looking down on me. He had a cane in his right hand. Madilim sa lugar na ’yon kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit malinaw kong nakita ang asul n’yang mga mata.

“Ayos ka lang ba?”

Kahit nakatingin lang ako sa kanya, kahit noon ko lang s’ya nakita, ramdam ko agad na hindi s’ya ordinaryong tao lang. He is powerful. Maybe much more powerful than the boss in that place.

I quickly calculated my circumstances. I knew that people have dark sides to them. Maybe this man was even worse than that boss.

But still, I want to take my chances. Kahit ano sigurong pagkakataon ang makita ko sa gabing ’yon, I’d fucking grab it. Just to fucking be free of that place.

With a hand over my broken ribs to support my movements and with wheezing breath, I knelt in front of that man.

“Please… tulungan n’yo po ako.”

Epilogue (Part 3)

His name is Aleksandr Romanov. I was right with my hunch that he was a powerful man. I learned that he was only staying in the Philippines for a while to take care of something, but he was occupying the entire top floor of the hotel where he was staying.

Only rich and powerful people could stay in this luxurious hotel. And Aleksandr probably owned this. Because as soon as we arrived, the employees lined up to greet him, and the manager himself tended to his needs.

When I asked for his help, he just stared at me for a while and told me to get inside his car. Nag-alangan pa ako noong una. He didn’t even ask me questions while we were on the road. Nalibang din naman ako sa pagtingin sa labas ng bintana ng sasakyan at sa panonood ng mga dinaraanan namin. It wasn’t always that I could watch the road like that. Kaya kahit na wala akong ideya kung saan ako dadalhin ni Aleksandr, I took my time to watch my surroundings.

When we got to the hotel, he called for the doctor to treat my injuries. He even ordered the employees to clean me up and serve me food, and he let me stay in one of the rooms on the top floor. Sobrang laki noong kwarto na pakiramdam ko ang liit-liit ko. Ang linis-linis. Ang bango ng buong paligid.

But I didn’t let my guard down. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng magiging kapalit ng lahat ng ’to. Kasi palagi namang ganoon. Hindi magiging mabuti at mapagbigay ang isang tao kung walang hinihintay na kapalit. Hindi rin totoo ang libre. Dahil pagdating ng panahon, isusumbat din naman sa ’yo ang libreng ’yon kahit hindi mo naman hiningi at tinanggihan pa noong una. “Libre” is just a fancy word for secret debt. Gusto nilang tanawin mong utang na loob ang nilibre nilang hindi mo naman hiningi.

And I fucking hate people like that. People who think and act all high and mighty around you, as if they did you a favor that you needed to repay, dahil lang sa panlilibre nila.

I learned it the hard way. Na ang mga tao, palaging may hinintay na kapalit sa pagkukunwaring kabutihan na ginawa nila.

I have no idea what Aleksandr wanted from me. It was obvious that I had nothing to offer. But still, I would do everything so I wouldn’t go back to that fuck-up place again.

“I’ll try to find your family.”

“No,” mariin kong tanggi sa alok ni Aleksandr. “Apat na taon ako sa lugar na ’yon pero hindi nila ako hinanap. Hindi ko nga alam kung hinanap ba tlaga nila ’ko o pinabayaan na.”

“You were taken by a syndicate that is involved in human and child trafficking. They are not a small group. Someone high up is backing them up.”

Naintindihan ko agad kung ano’ng sinasabi n’ya. Because they weren’t a small organization and someone more powerful was behind them, that may be the reason why my family had a hard time finding me. Na hindi naging madali ang paghahanap sa ’kin dahil doon.

But I was there for four years. I suffered for four years. Ilang beses kong naririnig sa mga tauhan doon na galing ako sa malaking pamilya, that my family was a big time criminal, that they were powerful. Pinagyayabang pa nga nilang nakuha nila ang anak sa ganoong klaseng pamilya. It feeds their fucking ego.

There were times when I hoped that, because my family was powerful, maybe they would find me. Pero sa bawat bugbog at kababuyang ginagawa nila sa ’kin, naubos ang pag-asa kong ’yon.

Aleksandr sighed. Nakatingin s’ya sa mga kamao kong nakakuyon habang nakaupo ako sa malambot na kama dahil sinabihan akong magpahinga ng doctor. Even so, I knew they weren’t free.

“You remind me of my son.”

I looked at him. His blue eyes looked kind as he stared down at me. I suddenly wondered how his son was living luxuriously with a father as powerful as him.

“What do you think of being his brother?”

“Ha?” Napatingin pa ako sa kasama n’yang lalaki na kanina pa tahimik. I think he was his right-hand man. May ganoon din ang boss sa tanginang lugar na ’yon. Iyon pa nga ang lalaking palaging bumubugbog sa ’kin.

“Sa tingin ko mas sasaya si Serj kapag nagkaroon s’ya ng kapatid.”

I frowned.

“Edi mag-anak na lang kayo ng asawa mo.”

He laughed. Mas lalong napakunot ang noo ko. Wala namang mali sa sinabi ko.

“Iyon nga ang problema. Iniwan kami ng nanay ni Serj. Nagpunta ko rito sa Pilipinas para sana kumbinsihin ang nanay n’yang bumalik sa Russia kasama ko. Para alagaan ang anak namin. Pero may iba na pala s’yang pamilya.”

See? Even this powerful man had something damaged in him. He wasn’t perfect. His life wasn’t beautiful, even with all his power. Ganoon din ang anak n’ya. I was wrong to think that his child was living luxuriously when his mother left him.

There isn’t anything beautiful or perfect in this world.

“So? Will you be a Romanov and protect my son?”

Then maybe… since I was damaged as well, I could fit in them.

But I knew this wouldn’t be free. Sinabi na n’ya ang kapalit. I had to protect his son.

“Give me three days,” I said.

Aleksandr frowned. “For what?”

“I’ll kill those men. I’ll prove to you that I can protect your son properly.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Gusto ko. Ayokong dumating ’yung panahon na magsisi kang inampon mo ’ko dahil hindi ako malakas at basta mo na lang akong itapon. Patutunayan kong malakas ako at kaya kong protektahan ang anak mo.”

Tumingin s’ya sa lalaking kasama n’ya bago ibinalik ang tingin sa ’kin. Aleksandr studied me but I didn’t look away. I wanted him to know that I was firm with my decision. Kailangan kong patunayan ang sarili ko, na may kwenta ako, na may magagawa at maitutulong ako para hindi n’ya ako itapon na lang basta at bumalik na naman sa lugar na ’yon.

Maybe Aleksandr genuinely wanted to adopt me. Maybe he just really wanted his son to have a brother. He was a powerful man at alam kong may mga malalakas din s’yang tauhan at hindi na n’ya kailangan ang batang bugbuog-saradong gaya ko.

But he nodded. Siguro nakita n’yang kailangan ko rin ’to.

“Alright. But instead of three days, I’ll give you one month.”

“Matagal—”

“One month to recover and to train. It isn’t enough pero sa tingin ko ay tatanggi ka na kung mas matagal pa roon. So, one month should be enough for you.” He took a deep breath. “You see, child, in taking revenge, you don’t only need your strength but this too.” He tapped at his temple. “So, recover first, then train. Condition your mind and make a plan.”

I nodded. Hindi na ako kumotra dahil naiintindihan ko ang pinupunto n’ya.

He smiled.

“Alright. Leonid will help you train.” He jerked his head in the direction of his right-hand man. “If you want those men to suffer, then he’s the best guy to learn from.”

Leonid taught me after I could finally move. He taught me how to fight, to defend, and to use my strength in a close fight. But my favorite part was when he taught me how to use knives. He taught me all the vital points of the body and how to properly slice someone’s neck. Ang gusto ko sana ay turuan n’ya rin akong gumamit ng baril dahil nalaman kong tinuruan n’ya rin ang anak n’yang kasing edad ko lang, but he told me that it was too early for me. Although he promised that he would let his son teach me if I succeeded with my plan.

So, after a month and a half of training, I went back to that hellish place.

Ang totoo, medyo nagsisi ako sa ipangako ko kay Aleksandr. I promised him that I’d kill those men, but after seeing them again, drunk as they celebrated the money that the kids earned for them, I realized that I wanted them to experience a slow death.

But well… At least I could have the chance to kill them myself. I’ve dreamed and hoped for this for my entire fucking life.

Isinakto ko talaga sa araw na alam kong magpapakalasing na naman sila. I’ve been here for four fucking years, so I knew their schedule. I cleaned their vomit and mess when they got drunk kaya alam na alam ko kung kailan sila mag-iinuman ulit hanggang sa malasing sila.

I snuck in. The kids recognized me but when I told them I was going to kill those devils, they even offered their help. They let me put drugs that Aleksandr gave me in the alcohol that they served to those men. Iyong klase ng droga na hindi sila makakagalaw peo makakaramdam pa rin ng sakit. And when the drug took effect, I started killing them.

I didn’t hold back. I hurt them like they hurt me. I kicked and punched them all over their bodies. I broke their bones. I cut their fingers. Binasag ko ang mga bote at ipinasok sa bibig nila ang bubog. My hands hurt in the process pero ko ininda iyon. Iniuntog ko ng ilang ulit ang mga ulo nila sa sahig hanggang sa marinig kong mabasag ang mga bungo nila.

Ang ilan sa mga bata ay pinanood ang ginagawa ko. Iyong mga kayang sikmurain ang pagiging brutal ko. Iyong kayang makakita ng dugo. Iyong may naipong galit sa dibdib at gustong siguraduhin na mamamatay ang mga lalaking ilang taong nagpahirap sa kanila.

“Ha…yop ka. Dapat pina…tay na kita… sa bugbog.”

I chuckled. It was that boss’ right-hand man. Iyong palaging bumubugbog sa ’kin. It was refreshing to see his body broken as I twisted his arms and legs. Ang ulo ay punong-puno ng dugo at ang isang mata ay nakapikit na. Lumapit ako. I still wasn’t satisfied so I carved out his eyes with a knife. He screamed in pain and it was fucking music to my ears.

“Too bad… Hindi ko pa oras mamatay, eh,” I told him. “Ano’ng pakiramdam na ikaw naman ang binubugbog ngayon? Ano’ng pakiramdam na alam mo nang mamamatay ka na?”

“Ha…yop ka—”

I slit his throat. Rinig na rinig ko ang paghihirap n’yang huminga. Parang nalulunod at gustong makasagap ng hangin. I just watched him, looking like a fish out of water with blood gushing out from his throat.

Hmm… What a sight to behold! It was a waste that I couldn’t torture him any longer. I have a promise to Aleksandr that I have to keep.

Binalingan ko ang boss na hinayaan ko lang manood sa ginagawa ko sa mga tauhan n’ya. He couldn’t move anyway because of the drugs.

Of course, save the best for last.

“How does it feel watching as I kill your men?”

Nanatili lang s’yang nakatingin sa ’kin. He knew I would kill him today, but I couldn’t see fear in his eyes. I hated it. Pero may mga tao sigurong ganito. Hindi takot mamatay dahil isinanla na sa demonyo ang kaluluwa.

I already knew I wouldn’t be satisfied killing him. Dahil kahit na nang dinurog ko ang mga kamay at pass n’ya, kahit nan ang pinutol ko ang mga daliri n’ya, and even when I took the skin off his stomach, he didn’t even scream. He was in pain, I knew that. Kitang-kita sa pawisan n’yang mukha ang sakit na tinitimpi. But he didn’t want to satisfy me by hearing him screaming in pain. Even at the end, it seemed as if I was the one who was getting tortured by him.

So, I took his pants off. I gripped his dick, and I noticed his eyes widened a bit. Napangisi ako pero bahagyang nanlabo ang paningin ko.

“You fucked me for a year. Do you really think you can get away with it?”

The bastard chuckled. Galit nag alit akong nakakatawa pa s’ya ngayon.

“It was… worth it,” he said.

My anger flared. Siguro, dapat ay hindi ko muna s’ya patayin. Siguro ay hintayin ko munang masagot ang lahat ng tanong ko bago ako gumanti sa putanginang taong ko. Pero wala na akong pakialam sa mga ’yon. I didn’t need those things. Kung noon, naghahanap pa ako ng sagot, pero hindi na ngayon. I could live even without the answers to my questions. I could finally live without all of this.

I just… I just want to get over these shits.

So, without any warning, I cut off his dick. I finally heard the scream I was waiting for. Hindi ko napigilan ang tawang lumabas sa bibig ko. Kahit ang panlalabo ng mga mata ko habang pinapanood kung paano s’ya mamilipit sa sakit.

While he was still screaming, I put his dick inside his mouth. He tried to get it off by pushing it out with his tongue pero mas ipinasok ko lang iyon sa bibig n’ya. I even pinched his nose so he wouldn’t be able to breathe.

“Suck your own fucking dick, you fucking monster. Putang-putangina mong tanginang hayop ka.”

I was crying. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa sobrang galit o ano. Pero nanginginig ang katawan ko habang pinapanood s’yang nahihirapang huminga. I saw his eyes roll upwards, and I knew that he was going to die pero tinanggal ko ang pagkakapisil sa ilong n’ya. He even choked when he tried to take a deep breath. I was fucking enjoying seeing him struggle to breathe, to live.

Nang makahinga s’ya, I saw the relief in him. Pero hindi ko pinatagal iyon. I sliced his throat. Sobrang diin at ang mga dugo ay nagtalsikan pa sa mukha ko.

I took my time watching him until he took his very last breath. I tried to cut his head off. It was so hard that it took me an hour, and I even injured my hands. Pero lahat ng pagod at paghihirap na ’yon ay balewala na sa ’kin.

I looked at the kids. There was horror in their eyes. Kung para sa akin man o sa mga lalaking ‘yon ay hindi ko na pinansin. I put the boss’ head inside the sack and looked around at my masterpiece. Halos bumaha ng dugo sa lugar na ’yon.

Ah… They’re finally fucking dead.

Binalingan ko ulit ang mga bata at tiningnan ang pinakamatanda sa kanila.

“Sa inyo na ’yung pera. May pupuntang lalaki rito para maglinis nito at tulungan kayo. Kayo nang bahala kung matitiwala kayo sa kanya o hindi.”

I left after that. Mahigpit ang kapit ko sa sakong dala ko na para bang doon nakasalalay ang buhay ko. Maybe it was. It was ironic how I was depending my life on the boss’ head, who was the reason for my suffering all this time.

I went to Aleksandr’s room, where he was having his dinner, and presented the boss’ head on a silver platter. Hindi man lang s’ya naapektuhan sa nakita. Not even at the blood all over my body. Bahagaya lang napakunot ang noo pero nagpatuloy naman sa pagkain. Nagkaroon ako ng ideyang normal lang sa kanya ang mga ganoon.

I was right… He might be even worse than the boss.

But I wouldn’t run away. After all, it was Aleksandr who gave me another chance to live.

“I’ll be a brother to your son,” I said.

Doon lang s’ya natigilan at tumingin sa ’kin.

“Do you understand what it means? You’ll be my son too.”

Tumango ako. “Walang problema.”

“Ayaw mo na talagang bumalik sa totoo mong pamilya? I can take you back to them.”

I shook my head. “Hindi ko sila kilala kaya wala akong pamilya.”

Ilang sandali n’ya akong tinitigan.

“You’ll be given a new identity as a Romanov. Your scars, your tattoo…” His jaw clenched. “We’ll get rid of them.”

I nodded. Pero nanatili lang nakatitig sa ’kin si Aleksandr. Maybe he thought that I was sentimental. I wanted to keep a reminder of my suffering, but I still survived. Pero hindi ganoon ang gusto ko. I wanted to keep a reminder of those I killed instead.

Aleksandr took me to Russia with him. He told me everything about his family. The Romanov were actually a mafia family, and they were the head of the Bratva. It was something like those syndicates, but they were more powerful as they ruled Russia and the streets, and they were expanding their business around the world.

Pero may isang problema. The other families working with them were questioning Serj’s legitimacy as the heir of the Romanovs. Because he wasn’t a full-blooded Russian. Plus, his mother even left him.

Aleksandr told me that I just had to protect and support Serj. And I have to help him rise to the top so that those families will also give support to the heir.

The first time I saw Serj, halos matawa ako. He looked like a scrawny kid. I even think that he wouldn’t last in this harsh world. He looked sheltered. Parang alagang-alaga. And maybe that was why he had this fantasy that his mother would even come back for him and that their family would be complete again.

And I wanted to shatter that fucking fantasy. I wanted him to learn the dark side of this world. I wanted him to be ruthless, to rule the Romanov like a tyrant, so that those people wouldn’t view him as someone weak that they could trample all over.

“Hindi na s’ya babalik, Serj… Iniwan ka na ng nanay mo.”

I saw how he became livid with his words. Mabilis s’yang bumaba ng kama at sinuntok ako. Man, the kid could punch, but it was not enough.

“Take that fucking back, asshole!”

Kinubabawan n’ya ko at pinagsusuntok. I was laughing. Fuck, it was refreshing. I was enjoying to know that this kid was damaged too. That I wasn’t alone. That I was right that there was nothing perfect in this world.

Gagantihan ko na sana. I wanted him to know how to punch properly. Pero pumasok na si Aleksandr at inawat s’ya. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko lalo nan ang makitang umiiyak si Serj at mukhang tinamaan na ng reyalidad.

Alright… I guess I let him go. I like the name he gave me anyway.

Killian.

I became Killian Romanov. I lived as Sergei Alexandrovich Romanov’s brother. His right-hand man. It was fascinating to see how powerful the Romanovs were in Russia. Everyone was already trembling just to hear that family name.

But besides that, those families also fear the insane brother of the Pakhan . The deranged Romanov. I helped Serj rise to the top by being violent, killing, and torturing those who dared to question Serj for being the heir.

Leonid first taught me how to fight and kill. But it was his son who taught me the appropriate method to torture people. It was Nikolaj, the cold-blooded executioner of Bratva.

He was also the brother that Rose mentioned.

“We found my sister, but she was beyond saving,” Nikolaj told me. “She wanted her existence erased in this world.”

“She’s… dead?”

Nikolaj stared at me. Wala akong makitang kahit anong emosyon sa mga mata n’ya.

“I couldn’t refuse her when she told me she wanted to die and be forgotten. So, this will be the last time I’ll talk about her. Nalaman ko kasing kilala mo s’ya.” He smirked. “I also heard that it was you who killed the boss. What you did to him… that was fucking amazing.”

I chuckled. Napatingin ako kay Serj na tahimik lang na nakikinig sa ’min.

“Too bad. I couldn’t torture him for as long as I wanted.”

“Do you want me to teach you the art of torture?”

I frowned at Nikolaj.

“There’s an art of torture?”

He chuckled. There was a crazy look in his eyes.

“Yes! With the appropriate technique, you will not only instill fear in the person in pain, but you will also be able to break their mind. It’s fun.”

“Hmm…” Napangisi ako. “I’m interested.”

“I heard the boss has a son and a daughter,” Nikolaj said. “Why don’t we start with the daughter?”

“Nikolaj.” There was a warning in Serj’s voice. “We don’t involve innocent lives.”

I heard Nikolaj tsk. Natawa na lang ako. Alam kong gusto n’yang sumagot. Maybe the daughter wasn’t innocent. The father was a fucking bastard who involved a lot of innocent lives, even children, anyway. And I knew that Nikolaj wanted to get back at him. To take his revenge too for his sister.

But of course, he wouldn’t go against the Pakhan .

“We’ll have our chance next time, my friend,” sabi na lang ni Nikolaj.

I got that chance. Nikolaj did teach me the art of torture. It was fun breaking people’s minds. It was fun torturing them—to see fear in their eyes while they were in pain, to hear them begging for their lives, to hear them scream in pain. Nikolaj even called all of that a symphony of torture.

Getting a tattoo after killing those fucking bastards was a good feeling. That was my kind of trophy, a reminder that I wasn’t weak. That I could wreck everything. At siguro, hinanap na rin ng katawan ko ang sakit.

I got addicted to destroying what seemed to be perfect. I got obsessed with ruining good and beauty. Hinayaan ko ang mga babaeng lumalapit sa ’kin. Those women acted like they were perfect, as if they were beautiful, but I knew the reality behind them. They would do everything just to have me, whom they thought was a perfect man. And they would even brag about it as if I was a fucking trophy when we were all just disgusting creatures.

Everyone and everything has evil in them. There was no pure beauty in this world because all I had ever seen was the ugly side of the world. That beauty was just a mask to conceal the darkness in them—to conceal the nasty and disgusting side in them that they didn’t want anyone to see. And I got obsessed with revealing everything.

The first time I saw her, she reeked of innocence, as if she was just a flower bud waiting to bloom fully. Parang walang alam na kahit anong paghihirap sa mundo. It looked like she didn’t know the harsh reality of the world, or more so, the dark side of life.

Irina Morozova.

She was so fucking beautiful. Her gray eyes looked as if she was looking into my soul. Her long and wavy hair had this refreshing scent. Ngayon lang ako nakaamoy ng ganoon. It was making me forget all the nasty things I’ve ever seen. And I wanted to grab hold of those strands. I wonder how it would feel to pull her hair and kiss the fuck out of her mind. Fuck, those lips were making me imagine all the sinful things I wanted to do to her. Even her body was to die for.

I was drawn to her innocence and beauty. She wasn’t like those women chasing after me. She was avoiding me instead. Maybe she could sense that I wasn’t good for her. That all I wanted to do was ruin her.

Maybe I was just drawn to destroy all her beauty. She was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen after all. Humanga pa ako sa ganda n’ya. Parang hindi bagay ang ganoong ganda sa magulong mundo.

But maybe, the more beautiful the person is, the more she has a dark side to her. And I wanted to reveal all of that.

I wanted to fucking break her, to wreck her into pieces until there was nothing beautiful about her.

I got obsessed with ruining Irina Morozova.

Epilogue (Part 4)

I chased Irina around. The more she tried to evade me, the more fun I had. Didn’t she realize that? I became ever more drawn to her as she pushed me away. It was fun watching her, though. She was doing her best to create distance between us, but of course, I wouldn’t allow it to happen. Not when I finally discovered the most beautiful creation in this terrible world.

I even agreed to become their model. She was studying fashion design, and her friend asked me for that favor. I was about to decline. Fuck, I didn’t even want to get my photo taken, more so walking down the runway wearing whatever they designed. But when I found out that her partner was Irina, I changed my mind so quickly that I was amused with myself.

“I rarely see you around.”

I chuckled. Iyon kaagad ang ibinungad sa ’kin ni Serj nang makarating ako. The others were already here for the meeting, and I was the last one to arrive, which was unusual as my place was the closest. Not to mention that I was always with Serj before being his second in command. Kaya rin siguro nasabi ni Serj iyon.

I propped myself down on the sofa beside Lev. The others were looking at me, so I just shrugged.

“I can’t help it, boss. I found something interesting.”

“Is it about that girl?”

I looked at Serj. Of course, he saw Irina. He knew about her. Hindi ko itinago sa kanyang si Irina ang kasama ko whenever he called for me as I wasn’t around. I even told him that I was following Irina around the university.

“What’s this?” Nikolaj smirked at me. I recognized that kind of smirk. “You have a girl now, Kill?”

I laughed and shook my head.

“Nah, I just find her interesting.”

“You need to stop fooling around, Kill.” There was a serious look in Serj’s eyes. “Or you’ll regret it when the time comes.”

Napangisi ako. I didn’t know what he was worried about. We were a bit alike after all. He was obsessing over someone too.

“Don’t worry, boss. That won’t happen. She just likes someone I could play to anyway.”

“Hm.” He frowned at me. “And stop fucking calling me ‘boss!’”

I laughed hard at that. I guess he hasn’t noticed it yet. It was fun seeing him annoyed whenever I called him ‘boss’ and he would tell me to stop. He didn’t want me to treat him like that. He just wanted me to be his brother, for which I would always be grateful.

But then, I didn’t want to forget that I would be forever indebted to the Romanovs. That was why I made a silent pledge to offer my life to him and to do everything for his sake. They’ve given me power. They made me strong. And I would do everything to repay them for what they’ve given me.

But that didn’t mean that I didn’t treat Serj as my brother. He is my brother. Sadyang gusto ko lang s’yang tawaging ‘boss.’

I was having fun chasing Irina around. It was fun to watch how innocent she really was. Parang wala talagang alam kung gaano kagulo ang mundo. As if all she had seen were the beauty and good things in life.

I enjoyed spending my time with her and getting to know her. Gusto kong malaman ang lahat tungkol sa kanya. I wanted to hear her talk about herself, how much she loves fashion design, and how talented she was. She looked really beautiful, and I was even waiting for this flower to bloom fully.

No matter how hard I tried to look for the ugliness that she might be hiding, I couldn’t find it. Not even when I kissed her. Fuck, her lips were the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. Hindi pa nga ako makapaniwala na may ganoong katamis at kalambot na mga labi. I just wanted to kiss her all day and all night long, and maybe bury myself deep inside her.

I wanted more of her. I wanted more of this beauty. I was getting even more curious about her.

I wonder how she would look if the world tainted her innocence. Will she still look beautiful? I wonder how she would feel when the world that she thought was safe and wonderful betrayed her and fucked her.

And when I found the answers, there was something that I realized about myself.

I didn’t like to see her hurt. I didn’t like to see her cry. I just want her to keep smiling and to keep being beautiful. I even thought of getting rid of all the things and reasons that hurt her.

So, I got back with those men who hurt her. Fuck, I didn’t like the thought that they touched her. Who the fuck do they think they are to touch what was mine? To hurt what was mine? They wouldn’t get away with it. I’d make them suffer before killing them.

Irina is mine. I want to take all of her. Her innocence. I even tasted the proof of that—her blood—and that wasn’t fucking enough. I want to take everything from her. So, nobody in this fucking world should dare touch or hurt her.

I’d fucking kill them all.

I thought she’d be happy about it. I even showed her what I did with those two men, but instead, she got mad at me. I could understand the horrified look on her face. Hindi ko itinago ang pagiging brutal ko. Because how could I make those fucking men pay for what they did to her if I wouldn’t be violent?

But I couldn’t understand why she got mad at me. Hindi ba s’ya nagalit sa ginawa sa kanya ng mga lalaking ’yon? Hindi n’ya ba gustong pagbayarin ang mga gagong ’yon? Why would she get mad at me when it was those men who hurt her?

“No. Of course, I want them to pay for what they did. But… you shouldn’t have shown me that.”

Ah, I knew it. She liked what I did with those men. She had an ugly side to her too.

But even so, she still looked beautiful. Even with the darkness in her, she was still the most beautiful being in this fucking world.

“Why? It happens all the time, Irina. You aren’t just aware.”

“And I don’t want to!”

I stared at her. Ah, I finally got it. I finally understood why she was mad. She wanted those men to pay, and she even thought that they deserved what I did to them. She just didn’t want to see that. She just didn’t want to see the ugly side or the darkness of this world.

I chuckled. Then my chuckle turned to laughter. I laughed like I was out of my mind, and she looked frightened at me.

“Isn’t it great to live an easy life without having to worry about anything? Isn’t it nice to be oblivious to just how terrible the world is and live comfortably? How convenient it is to have a false sense of security and ignore the dangers until something bad happens to you, right?”

I hated it. I hated how she seemed so oblivious to the reality of this world. Even with what happened to her, she still felt safe. All the dangers and cruelty of this world would be gone if she just turned a blind eye to what was really happening in the dark.

While I got to live my whole life in that darkness. My eyes were forced open to all the cruelty and savagery of the people. I got to learn that the world wasn’t kind. It would betray you and hurt you in the most painful way possible.

“How nice is it to turn a blind eye, as you have the privilege, right, Irina?”

I hated the people who had the privilege of living a safe life. I hated how they lived as if there wasn’t any problem, as if the world was a beautiful place to live. I hated how they didn’t have any idea of the violence and inhumanity happening around them if they would just open their eyes.

But it’s alright. Hahayaan kong matuto si Irina. I’ll make her open her eyes and learn the truth. In this world, it is either you hurt or get hurt. Either you kill or get killed.

And if she doesn’t want to hurt or kill anyone, I’ll dirty my hands for her. They were already filthy; what’s the use of adding more blood? I was willing to go to any lengths for her. She had that privilege. I wanted her to understand that.

It happened sooner than I thought. I wasn’t even surprised. I already knew that the world was full of foul and messed-up people.

She was crying while that asshole kept on assaulting her. I watched as she begged and cried for that man to stop. I wanted to pull the bastard away from her, break his fingers one by one, and tear off his lips and any part of his body that touched what was mine.

I wanted Irina to learn. I wanted her to know the truth about this world. Na may mga taong ganoon at kapag walang ginawa ay patuloy lang sa pananamantala ng mga mahihina, ng mga walang laban. She needed to know that there were people in this world who deserved to be killed and that it would be the only way for them to stop.

“All you have to do is ask, Irina. Ask for me.”

C’mon, love, you knew what I would do with that man. Alam na alam mo ’yon. And you wanted that too, right? You wanted me to hurt him. You wanted me to get back to him for what she was doing to you.

You see, Irina. This is the reality of this world. Privilege or not, you’d still get hurt. You’d still get killed. So, there was really no use in turning a blind eye or pretending that everything was fine.

This happens all the time. So, you need to face the truth, love. You need to get strong so people won’t trample all over you.

But then, you have me. I’d do everything to keep you out of harm’s way.

“Use your fucking privilege, love. You know I’d do everything for you.”

She cried when she looked at me.

“Help me, Killian.”

I smirked. Ah… finally. You learned your lesson well. You know now, right? The world is ugly. There aren’t any beautiful things here.

Except you. Only you.

So, you have to stay by my side. You’re mine, Irina. You are mine to hurt. You are mine to ruin. I want you to give everything to me.

Don’t push me away. You won’t be able to run away from me anyway. Because I’ll find you no matter what it takes. Even if I had to turn this world upside down, I’d fucking do it. I won’t let you escape from me.

You are mine, Irina. You are mine to love.

It was just a simple attraction at first. Then it turned into an obsession to ruin her. I didn’t know when everything changed after that.

Maybe it was because we were always together. I even often found myself watching her while she seriously sketched any designs or ideas that came into her mind. No, it wasn’t only that time. Namamalayan ko na lang ang sarili kong palagi s’yang pinagmamasdan at pinapanood ang bawat galaw n’ya. Ni hindi ko na magawa ang trabaho ko nang maayos. Even if she wasn’t around, I often found myself thinking about her.

Something changed in me. I wanted to ruin her at first, but then I wanted her to maintain her beauty and innocence. I didn’t want the world to destroy her. I even found myself protecting her. I wanted to keep her safe all the time.

And whenever she smiled at me, whenever I saw how her eyes lit up when she looked at me, it felt as if it was her who was tempting me to see the beauty in this world. She was tempting me to do something good.

But I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t even know how to be good. I was broken. I was damaged. And I was even damn scared of what she would think of me if she found out everything that happened to me.

But Irina was really different. She accepted me. She even loved me despite knowing how disgusting I was, despite seeing everything I did. She still kissed me, touched me, and smiled beautifully at me.

She was a walking temptation of goodness and beauty that the world could offer to me after everything I’ve experienced. And I couldn’t resist that. I couldn’t turn my back on it, not even if it would greatly affect the way I live. For once, I accepted that there was pure beauty in this world. And it wasn’t even hidden. She was always there, waiting for me to look at her.

I was still obsessed with her, but this time, it was because I love her so damn fucking much.

“She talks and can understand Tagalog.”

I was lying on the long couch inside Serj’s office. Irina was busy with her shop at wala akong magawa kay si Serj na lang ang ginugulo ko.

“I thought you hated the language?”

Natahimik ako sa tanong na ’yon ni Serj. It was the truth. I hated the language. I couldn’t even bear hearing it. It reminded me of what I had gone through when I was a kid, how weak I was, and how disgusting I was that it seemed wrong to be around the most beautiful creation. It reminded me how it fucked all of the kids there—even Nikolaj’s sister chose to die and erased her existence in this world.

“I do still.” I sighed and sat up. “But Irina looks the happiest speaking that language. She looks happy. I can’t take that away from her just because of my damn past.”

“She doesn’t know that you can understand her?”

Napatingin ako kay Serj. Itinigil na n’ya ang ginagawa at nakinig na sa ’kin.

I nodded.

“I told her about my past. It was fucking hard. I didn’t even want to talk about it, more so remember it. But… I want her to know more about me. I want her to know about my past.”

“It must’ve been tough for you.”

I chuckled without any humor. Serj knew how hard I struggled with the language. He asked me many times to teach him Tagalog, but I always declined. I took an oath to help him with everything I could, but that was the only thing I couldn’t do for him.

And yet, with Irina, I was willing to compromise. I think I liked seeing her smile more and the look in her eyes whenever she was talking with her grandmother; it didn’t even matter to me, even if I was reminded of all the terrible things that happened. She looked lovely anyway. And that was everything I wanted.

She was everything I wanted.

The reason why I approached her first had been long forgotten. All I wanted to do was for her to keep living happily in this world. I would keep all the bad things away from her so that her smile wouldn’t wash away from her lips.

But then, the world remained cruel to me. My past haunted me and Irina got involved this time. Iyon siguro ang paraan ng munod para ipaalam sa ’kin na hindi ko basta-bastang pwedeng kalimutan ang lahat. It was the way of the world to remind me how dirty and disgusting I really was that no matter how many beautiful things I kept by my side, it wouldn’t be masked behind the foul stench coming from me.

“Killian… Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

I couldn’t believe this woman. She was restrained. Alam kong hinampas din nila ang ulo n’ya so she wasn’t in her best condition. And yet, here she was, worrying about me when she should be worrying for herself.

I knew these men would hurt her. The son of that boss came looking for me to take revenge. He would do everything to hurt me but take the most important person to me.

He would kill Irina. He would kill the only good and beautiful person that came into my life.

The very person who gave me another reason to live.

And I’d do everything to keep her alive. Even pretending that she didn’t matter to me.

“She’s just a hole I wanted to fuck. She’s nothing to me.”

I saw how she was hurt by my words. Tears fell down her eyes, and it was enough to make me feel as if someone was stabbing my chest.

Fuck. I’m so sorry, love… I’m so fucking sorry.

“Do it. Kill her.”

I love you so fucking much, Irina.

I wanted to get out of these restrains but I couldn’t fucking move. They shot me three times in the back para masigurong hindi ako makakawala. Ramdam kong malapit na akong maubusan ng dugo. Dumagdag pa iyon sa hilo ko dahil sa sugat nang hampasin nila ang ulo ko kanina. They even broke my arms and feet.

It was fucking painful that I was starting to feel numb. Malapit na rin akong mawalan ng malay sa dami ng dugong nawala sa ’kin. I could die if I lost any more blood.

But I need to hold on. I must hold on. Serj will come. Malalaman n’yang may mali dahil hindi ako nakarating ng meeting. And it was the only hope I had of saving Irina.

I knew he’d find us. Just like how his father found me on the streets back then. I knew he’d be able to save Irina.

I didn’t fucking care kung mamatay man ako ngayon dahil naubusan na ako ng dugo. I need to buy time until my brother comes. For Irina. I need to save her. I’d do anything to save her.

I heard her scream when they shot her right shoulder. They even dragged her toward the drum full of water. I saw how they tried to drown her. I saw how she tried to fight for her life.

Breathe, love. C’mon. Breathe.

With every painful breath that she made was a fucking torture to me. Every cry and plead she uttered was killing me. It was fucking painful that it felt as if my heart was shattering into pieces.

I was having fun hearing the cries and pleading of those people I’ve tortured but I couldn’t bear hearing it from Irina. It was fucking painful. Parang ibinalik lahat sa ’kin ang mga kasamaang ginawa ko noon.

But I didn’t look away. I didn’t want to. I did this to her. Ako ang dahilan kung bakit nandito s’ya ngayon at nasasaktan kaya wala akong karapatang mag-iwas ng tingin kahit na para akong pinapatay sa nakikita ko ngayon.

I laughed. I laughed like a fucking madman. I laughed at how useless I was.

Don’t you fucking dare look away, Killian! You did this to her.

“Fashion designer ’tong babae mo, ’di ba? Ano kaya kung durugin ko ang kamay n’ya?”

No, fuck, no.

“Not my hand! Please, not my hand. Please!”

That fucking bastard was holding a baseball bat. I couldn’t do anything. I felt so fucking helpless that all I could do was watch her as they try to take her dreams away from her.

“Killian!” I heard the desperation in her voice. “Please, don’t let them do this. Not my hand. Please… help me.”

Fuck!

It was fucking killing me but I needed not to show any emotion that would give them a clue how much I feel about her. I needed to pretend that I didn’t care about her even if it was so fucking painful deep inside. Para bang may malaking kamay ang pumipiga sa puso ko, squeezing the life out of me.

I’m so sorry, Irina…

They would kill her if I showed emotion. They would kill her if they knew how much I fucking love her. I didn’t want that. I needed her to live.

Forgive me, Irina. But I needed to buy time until Serj came and took you out of here. Kahit ikaw na lang ang makaligtas dahil malapit na akong maubusan ng dugo.

And when they shattered her hands, I felt like my whole being got shattered too. When I saw how hope slipped away from her eyes, it felt as if all hope and strength slipped out of me too.

I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.

I could barely move when Serj and the others finally came. My consciousness was slipping in and out of me. My body was already at its limit. But I needed to make sure that Irina was alive, that she could be saved.

“Her hands… They’re important… to her.” I coughed. I couldn’t even talk without forcing myself. Fuck, hindi na rin ako makakita ng maayos. “Her hands… Serj…”

I wanted to be the one to carry her. I wanted to feel her warmth, to hear her heartbeat so I would know that she was still alive. Pero ni hindi ko kayang tumayo nang maayos. I think it was Nikolaj who helped me up.

“You’re dying, man,” he said. “We need to get you to the hospital fast.”

I didn’t want to lose consciousness pero may pwersang humihila sa ’kin para ipikit ang mga mata ko. I felt cold. I couldn’t breathe anymore. Ni hindi ko na maramdaman ang kahit anong sakit sa mga ginawa nila sa ’kin.

Fuck… Please, at least let Irina live. Let her be okay.

That was the last thing on my mind when finally, everything around me darkened.

I woke up a month later. Serj told me that I was in a coma as I lost so much blood. I was barely alive when they got me to the hospital.

But I didn’t care about that. All I could think of was Irina.

“Where’s Irina?”

Saglit na natahimik si Serj. Doon pa lang, alam ko nang may mali.

“Nasaan s’ya, Serj?”

I saw that he was a bit surprised, kung dahil ba sa pagtatagalog ko ay sa pagtawag ko ng pangalan n’ya ay hindi ko na masyadong pinansin. I was waiting for his answer. That was all that was important to me.

He sighed.

“I let her go.”

“What…?”

“She’s too hurt, Killian. She doesn’t even want to see you.”

I expected that. Alam ko na ’yon. Pero kailangan kong malaman kung nasaan s’ya. I needed to see her. I wanted to know if she was okay.

“Nasaan nga s’ya?”

“I don’t…” Serj took a deep breath. “Just let her be, Killian. Let her heal first. She needs that. You owe her that.”

I gritted my teeth. I was mad at him. Why the fuck did she let her go away? Paano kung mapahamak ulit s’ya?

“I need to see her, Serj! I need to see Irina!”

Mukhang naubusan na s’ya sa ’kin ng pasensya.

“And then what? Make her remember what she’d gone through by seeing you? The woman is fucking mad at you, Killian! I know you didn’t want that to happen and that you are both victims, but right now, Irina needs time to heal! Let her fucking heal!”

“Paano kung mapahamak ulit s’ya? Paano kung may sumunod ulit sa kanya?”

He let out a harsh breath.

“Don’t worry. She’s protected. Hindi ko naman hahayaang mapahamak s’ya.”

“You can’t be just sure of that.”

“We apprehended those men and the last of their members. We were waiting for you to wake up before doing anything to them. Alam kong gusto mong makaganti sa nangyari.”

I just gritted my teeth. I was so fucking worried for Irina. I didn’t even care if she was fucking mad at me. I wanted to be by her side, to make sure that she was really okay.

Napabuntong-hininga ulit si Serj. Mukhang alam ang inaalala ko.

“Irina is fine, Killian. Just give her time. I’m sure you can understand why she doesn’t want to see you. It was like how you were when you wanted to forget everything that happened in the Philippines.”

Right. He was right about that. Iniwasan ko nga ang bansang ’yon. Ayoko na ulit makatapak sa lugar na ’yon kahit ang marinig ang lenggwahe. I hated everything about the Philippines.

“Are you sure she’s okay?” I asked.

Serj nodded.

“She will be. She needs time to heal. Just give her that.”

I sighed. It might be the best for her too.

“Alright…”

“So? What will you do with those men?”

I looked at Serj.

“Ano pa ba? Make them feel a hundred times more about what they did to Irina. I’ll make them regret that they got to live after that.”

I’ll give them a slow but painful death. I’m going to enjoy torturing them. I’ll make them pay for what they did to Irina.

Serj’s put those men in the torture chamber. Nikolaj was also there. Of course, he wanted to watch, but I knew it was about his sister too. Alam kong gusto n’ya ring makabawi sa kahit na ano’ng paraan sa ginawa sa kapatid n’ya.

But it was the boss’ son who I wanted to hurt the most. So, I let Nikolaj handle the other men.

“Tangina mo, Romanov! Masamang damo ka talaga.”

I chuckled. Iyon kaagad ang ibinungad sa akin ng tarantado nang pumasok ako sa loob ng torture chamber. He must’ve been so surprised to see me alive when I was barely breathing when we left back then.

I shrugged.

“Ayaw pa ni Satanas na palitan ko s’ya sa trono n’ya.”

“Tangina mo! You fucking killed my father! Dapat ka lang ding mamatay!”

Nagkunwari akong nag-iisip.

“Oh… you mean that man who I cut his dick off and shoved inside his throat before cutting his head off? Tama ba ang pagkakaalala ko?” Then I laughed. “Apologies. I killed so many men kaya medyo hindi ko na matandaan.”

Pinagmumura n’ya ako pagkatapos noon na ikinatawa ko naman. It was fun to see him struggling in his chair, where he was chained. Gustong-gustong makawala para patayin ako.

“You want a drink, brother?” tanong ni Serj na kampanteng nakaupo sa sofa roon. He was even holding a whiskey glass.

“Mamaya na boss. The fun hasn’t started yet.”

Serj just shrugged and relaxed in his seat. Mas ikinagalit lang ’yon ng tarantado.

“Shit… this is going to be so much fun,” Nikolaj muttered, cleaning his tools that he just used with the other men. Tapos na siguro s’ya kaya nandito na sa kwartong ‘to where the boss’ son was staying.

“You must’ve thought that your father was a saint and it was a sin killing him,” I said. “Paano naman ’yung taong pinahirapan n’ya? ’Yung mga batang binaboy n’ya?”

“Pasalamat ka pa nga binuhay ka ng tatay ko! Nag-enjoy ka rin naman, ’di ba?”

I couldn’t help it. Napakagagong mag-isip ng bobong ’to. I slammed his head on the steel table and it got a dent. I saw blood on his face, some were even trickling down from his broken nose.

“Tangina, ang bobo.” I tsked. “May utak ka ba?”

He spit and cursed at me. So, he was like his father, huh? Hindi takot mamatay.

“I didn’t get to enjoy killing your father, as I had a promise to keep,” I smirked at him. “But I’m going to enjoy my time with you.”

I started torturing him. Isa-isa kong inalis ang mga kuko n’ya sa kamay at sa mga daliri. I threw punches in his face and gut. I indeed took my time. It took me weeks of torturing him and inflicting pain on him. And while I was doing so, there was a piece of opera music playing in the background.

And whenever I started playing that sound, I saw fear in his eyes. Ibig sabihin, alam na n’ya ang mga mangyayari. That I would start torturing him again.

There was a day when I made him lay on the steel table. I covered his face with a cloth and poured water on his mouth. The sounds that he made while he was struggling to breathe were such music to my ears.

“Yes, fuck, this is it! The symphony of torture!” Nikolaj laughed as he helped me torture the man.

I broke every bone, tearing off some of his flesh and throwing rock salt in his wound. He was crying in so much pain that it gave me more fun.

But of course, hindi ko kaagad s’ya pinatay. I even gave him time to recover before torturing him again. It was one of the tips that Nikolaj gave me to break the person’s mind.

Let him recover, then hurt him twice more.

I hanged him by his limbs, all naked, burning his skin and pouring acid on him. Mas lalo akong ginagahan kapag naririnig ko ang sigaw n’ya. He was still screaming, so he was still feeling pain. I will torture him until he can’t feel pain anymore. I will break his fucking mind until he can’t think clearly anymore.

I drilled holes in his hands. Dinurog ko ang mga kamay n’ya, just like what he did to Irina. I continued drilling until the bones in his hands were nothing but pieces.

I gave him electric shocks until foam formed in the corner of his mouth.

“Tama… na.” He coughed. “Pata…yin… n’yo… na—ako.”

I laughed. Yes, fuck! Beg for death! It was the only thing that could save you! Beg fucking more!

I burned his scalp. I carved tattoos on his already out-of-skin body. Hindi ako tumigil hangga’t hindi ko naibabalik sa kanya ang mga ginawa ng hayop na boss na ’yon sa akin, hangga’t hindi ko naibabalik sa kanya ang mga ginawa n’ya kay Irina.

“You chose the wrong enemy, you fucking son of a bitch,” I spat at him. “Hindi mo na lang sana ako binalikan.”

“Just… kill—me.”

“Hmm… Your mind is still intact though. I want to break it.”

“Kill,” Nikolaj called me. “I have an idea how to break his mind more. But I need the Pakhan’s permission for it.”

“What is it?” Serj asked. He looked relaxed on his chair but he was clearly enjoying the show.

Nikolaj gave us a smirk. There was a sinister look in his eyes.

“His sister… Let’s hurt his sister too.”

I looked at Serj, waiting for his decision. I think even the boss’ son was waiting for his answer too.

“Alright.”

“No!” the man screamed. “Not her! Wala s’yang alam!”

Nikolaj chuckled. Halatang tuwang-tuwa sa desisyon ni Serj.

“Fuck! Finally, I can have my fun!”

“Please… ’Wag ang kapatid ko. She’s innocent.”

Serj stood up. He poured alcohol on the man, causing him more pain. He never involved himself whenever we were torturing someone. Ngayon lang. His blue eyes even looked cold and merciless.

“Irina is innocent yet you hurt her and did unimaginable things to her. You almost took her dreams away from her.” Serj’s eyes turned even colder. “It was you who involved an innocent first. So, what makes you think that I’ll spare your sister too?”

I chuckled. Then it turned into a laugh.

Yes, that’s it! This is my Pakhan ! The unforgiving and cruel head of the Bratva!

“You must pay the price of your actions. That’s one of the rules of the Mafia.” Serj gave a menacing smirk. “An eye for an eye.”

The man was throwing curses at Serj so I grabbed the knife and cut off his dick. And just like what I did to his father, while he was still screaming, I shoved his dick down his throat.

“Nikolaj, you know where she is, right?”

“Of course, Pakhan. I know her every move. I installed hidden cameras all over her place. I also have a GPS tracker on her so I’d know her whereabouts.”

Nikolaj looked proud of what he did. Napabuntong-hinga naman si Serj.

“You… You didn’t follow my order when I told you to leave the girl back then, did you?”

“Well… It helps us now, right?” Nikolaj shrugged. “I know exactly where she is right now.”

I chuckled. Ibig sabihin, matagal na n’yang sinusubaybayan ang babae. Such a fucking asshole…

“I’ll let you handle her.” Serj looked at me. “Is that alright with you, Kill?”

“Of course.”

After all, Nikolaj needed this. He needed his revenge for his sister.

“Then… Just wrap this up now.” Serj jerked his head to the man who looked as if he was already out of his mind.

I chuckled. Alright… I was starting to get bored anyway.

I was satisfied but it didn’t make me feel good. Irina got away from me. She was mad at me. In the end, I still failed to protect.

No… I won’t give up. She’s mine. I won’t let her escape from me.

Epilogue (Part 5)

This story finally reached its end. Thank you so much for reading Killian and Irina’s story!

---

I already knew that I wouldn’t be the same without Irina; that was why I couldn’t let go of her before. I got terrified of just waking up every day and not being able to see her. It would feel like I went back to those horrible days when I was a kid.

But when she really left, my life got even worse than that.

What the fuck should I do? How would I be able to live without her around anymore? Should I go see her?

But she’s mad at me. She didn’t even wait for me to wake up from a coma. She left without talking to me. She left without saying goodbye.

Is she really that mad at me? Well, I did say those words that I knew hurt her so damn fucking much. I saw it in her eyes. But I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of those words. I just wanted to save her. To let her live.

Maybe I should explain things to her. Maybe she’d understand.

I stood up. I should find her. I’ll find Irina.

“Killian.”

I looked at Serj. Fuck it. I forgot that we were in his office and were having a meeting. They were all looking at me.

“Sit down.”

I contemplated for a while before sitting back down. I was feeling defiant, as if something inside me was going to burst out. I was going to be a madman if I kept holding it in.

But I wouldn’t want to disobey my Pakhan . It would be like asking for a death sentence. I still wanted to see Irina.

Ah… But I didn’t know how to keep this rage going anymore. Nakakabaliw. Parang kahit anong oras, malapit na akong sumabog. I wanted to declare war. I wanted to torture lots of people because one is not enough. I wanted to kill.

Fucking fuck. I shouldn’t have killed the boss’ son. Pinatagal ko pa sana. Just until I could finally tame this rage I had inside. O kapag kumalma na ako kahit papa’no. No, I didn’t know what to do anymore.

I looked at Nikolaj. Serj resumed talking, and he was listening intently. Pero naramdaman yata ang tingin ko. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

“What?” he mouthed.

“Let me kill her.”

Napatigil si Serj sa pagsasalita. I was being rude to the Pakhan . But shit, I was getting restless.

I wanted a kill.

Napangisi si Nikolaj.

“The fuck are you on about?”

“The girl,” I said. “Let me kill her.”

Nikolaj chuckled. He was pissed. I was being rude again. I knew that girl was his mission, and I shouldn’t interfere unless he’d told me to or the Pakhan ordered me to. But I was more irritated. Hindi ako mapakali hangga’t hindi ko mailabas ang galit na ’to.

“The girl is mine, Kill.” I saw possessiveness in Nikolaj’s eyes. He even gave me a threatening look. “The Pakhan gave her to me. She is mine to kill.”

I fucking know that. Pero malapit na talaga akong mabaliw.

“Killian.” It was Serj. “Let’s talk about this later.

“The girl is mine, boss!” Nikolaj looked alarmed. “Kill already had his chance with the son! I want to have my fun too!”

Serj took a deep breath.

“I know. Nobody will touch her except you. Not even Killian.”

“I want a kill, boss,” I said. Tangina, hindi ko na talaga mapigilan ang galit ko. Mababaliw na ’ko. “Or else I’m going to go insane.”

“I’ll give you a kill. We will talk about this later.” There was a warning in his eyes. “After the meeting.”

Serj knew. He knew that I needed to have a let out. So, he did give me someone to kill. He gave me someone to torture. He gave me those bastards who were a problem with the Romanovs. He gave me those who had betrayed the family.

I have killed and tortured people. Killed and tortured again. Mas naging matunog ang pangalan ko sa mga kaaway at those who threatened Serj’s position. The Pakhan’s second-in-command is a madman. A killing machine. Walang sinasanto.

The Romanov family became even more powerful.

I tattoed all my kills onto my skin. I wanted to recall what I did to them whenever I looked at the tattoos just to satisfy myself again. Dahil maaalala ko lang ang katotohang wala si Irina sa tabi ko kapag hindi ko ginawa ’yon.

I had her in my arms, and she managed to escape. I should’ve tied her down.

“Tell me where Irina is.”

Napabuntonghininga si Serj. I was in his office again. Mukhang nauubusan na s’ya ng pasensya sa ’kin.

“We already talked about this.”

“I know! Pero tangina, boss. Malapit na talaga ’kong mabaliw. I want to see her. Let me see her.”

“It’s only been one year, Killian. That’s not enough time for her to heal after what she’s been through.”

Damn it. If only that bastard’s son didn’t show up. Putang ina talaga ng pamilyang ’yon. Napakabobo. Kung hindi ba naman n’ya ako pinaghigantihan pa, e di sana buhay pa ang bobong ’yon ngayon.

I thought I would be able to live freely with Irina, but my past haunted me. I thought I could just bury those memories. I even turned my back on who I really was. Binigyan ako ng bagong katauhan bilang Killian Romanov. Pero hindi ko pa rin natakasan ang nangyari noon. At nadamay pa si Irina.

Fucking fuck. Should I follow those fucking idiots in hell so I can torture them more?

“You owe her time, Killian. Trust me, this is what is best for the two of you.”

I breathed through my teeth and exhaled harshly. Nag-iinit ang mga mata ko kaya mariin akong napapikit. Pinisil ko ang pagitan ng mga mata ko.

“Is she doing okay?” I asked.

“She is. She’s protected.”

I looked at Serj. Wala akong pakialam kung makita n’ya mang namumula ang mga mata ko.

“Just let me know where she is.”

He took a deep breath.

“Killian—”

“Hindi ko s’ya guguluhin. Gusto ko lang talagang malaman kung nasa’n s’ya. I just—” Nilunok ko ang bara sa lalamunan ko. “I just want to make sure that she’s somewhere and that I can have my chance again with her. Gusto ko lang masigurong maaabot ko ulit s’ya.”

Serj stared at me. I could tell that he was trying to weigh things. Pero mukhang naawa na rin sa ’kin dahil napabuntonghininga na lang.

“Philippines. She’s in the Philippines.”

Hindi makapaniwala akong natawa. I already knew that Serj was cruel. Even more ruthless than me. That was why he was the Pakhan and he earned the respect of every member of the Bratva. They feared them.

Hindi na dapat ako magtaka. But fuck it. I felt betrayed.

“Siniguro mo talagang hindi ako makakalapit sa kanya, ’no?” May ngisi sa mga labi ko but I wasn’t entertained. I was mad.

He knew that I couldn’t take a step into that country again. I fucking hated that country. Hindi ko na kayang tumapak ulit doon nang hindi naaalala ang mga nangyari sa ’kin.

“That has nothing to do with you,” he cruelly said, making me chuckle. “It’s her home country, Killian. She wants to be with her grandmother. It’s the best place for her to heal.”

Best place for her. But it was the worst place for me.

What should I do? Should I just let her? But what if… what if she wouldn’t come back to me anymore? What if she’d realized that she was better off without me?

Fuck… Hindi ko kakayanin.

“She’ll come back.”

Napatingin ako kay Serj. He must’ve seen the anxiousness and fear on my face.

He looked at me.

“She’ll come back. And I promise that I’ll help you when the right time comes.”

That calmed me. Aside from Irina, Serj is the person I trust the most. Lahat ng sinasabi n’ya ay pinaniniwalaan ko.

If he said that he’d help me, then I have no choice but to wait and give Irina the time she deserves.

More than a year after I woke up from a coma, a person came to see me. Isang taong hindi ko inaasahan.

Serj called me into his office. Nang pumasok ako ay nakita ko kaagad ang taong nakaupo sa kanang sofa n’ya. He smiled as soon as he saw me.

“Finally…” he said.

I didn’t know the man, but I felt like I had already seen him somewhere.

“Killian.” I looked at Serj. “This is Vittorio Rossetti, the Godfather of La Cosa Nostra.”

I looked at the man. What? What the fuck is the head of the Italian mafia doing here?

“He is also your biological brother.”

My eyes snapped back at Serj, thinking that he said something ridiculous and wasn’t being serious. But he wouldn’t make a joke with something like this.

I chuckled. Hindi ako makapaniwala. Bakit parang hinahabol yata ako ng nakaraan ko? Parang ayaw na kalimutan ko ang lahat.

“Just call me Rio,” my ‘brother’ said.

I looked at him. I saw our resemblance. He had hazel eyes, but our resemblance was uncanny.

“Why now?” I asked.

“Because I think that it’s the right time.”

I got fucking mad.

“Just now? How about when I was a kid suffering with my kidnappers? You’re saying that that wasn’t the right time to see me? Did your family even try to find me?”

I waited. I fucking waited for them. Hanggang sa nawalan na ako ng pag-asang mahahanap pa ako. Umas ana lang ako sa sarili ko. That nobody would save me from that hell but me and only me.

Ah… now I get it. That was why those men were always saying that my family was powerful. Pinagtatawanan pa ngang nakuha nila ako kahit na ganoong ka-“big time” ang pamilya ko.

Because my family is the head of the Italian mafia.

Muli akong natawa. Fucking ironic. Ngayon naman napunta ako sa pamilya ng mga Bratva.

“Killian, take a seat first,” Serj said. “Let’s hear everything from him.”

I didn’t want to. Wala na akong pakialam kung saan man ako nanggaling. I have a new life now. I fit in here.

Pero alam kong gusto ring marinig ni Serj ang nangyari.

So, I listened. I listened to his explanation.

The group that kidnapped me wasn’t just an ordinary group. Someone was backing them up, trying to clean up the mess so they wouldn’t get traced. He said that it was them who even had that kind of business—child extortion and trafficking—and was the mastermind.

“It’s the Irish mafia,” Rio said. “At first, we thought that it was the Albanians with the way they work. But I think it was also the Irish’s strategy to mislead us. That it took us so long to find out who really is running the organization.”

“I also wouldn’t even think that it’s the Irish,” Serj said.

I knew why. Tahimik ang mga Irish. They weren’t violent or brutal. Over the years, they avoided the Bratva and La Cosa Nostra so they wouldn’t get on their hate list. We weren’t that cautious of them, as we all thought that they were just avoiding the war.

But Rio said that it was also a part of their strategy. Palihim silang kumilos to take down both the Russian and Italian mafias. They took me, the future heir of the Italian mafia. They even planned to take Serj but thought otherwise as Aleksandr focused more on Serj when his mother left him.

So, they took Rose instead.

“I’m not saying that you should understand them,” Serj said. “But, Killian, our father had a hard time finding Nokolaj’s sister as well. It took years. They only got an answer when he found you. They finally found Nikolaj’s sister, but they were already too late.”

I told myself that I didn’t care, no matter what the reason was why my family didn’t find me. Kasi ayos na naman ako. Kinalimutan ko na ang lahat.

But hearing everything… it was as if a burden was lifted off my shoulders. Because I finally got an answer.

“What do you want?” I asked Rio.

“I want to give back what was originally yours,” Rio said. “You’re the true Don of the Cosa Nostra. This is seat yours.”

“Forget it. I don’t want anything to do with your family.”

“But you are Arcangelo Rossetti! No matter what you do, you can’t deny that Rossetti’s blood is coursing through your veins!”

“So what? You want me to drain my blood so I won’t have to deal with the Rossetti anymore?”

He gritted his teeth. May galit akong nakita sa mga mata n’ya. My lips curled into a smirk.

Ah… Just when I thought that he was a Goody-Two-shoes…

“Is that really what you want?” he asked.

“What? Draining my blood? I’d do it just to cut my ties with your family.”

He took a deep breath. He stared at me, and I stared back. I was even smirking. Ang sarap lang asarin.

“Alright… Hindi ko na ipipilit sa ’yo ’to.”

Bahagya pa akong nagulat sa pagta-Tagalog n’ya. But I realized that he must’ve looked at everything about me. Alam n’yang nakakaintindi at nakakapagsalita rin ako ng Tagalog.

“I’ll be the head of the Cosa Nostra. But in exchange, I want you to talk to our parents.”

I frowned.

“I don’t fucking owe you anything.”

“You owe me this, Arcangelo.”

Hindi na n’ya iyon dinugtungan. He was thinking that I would get what he meant. Totoo naman. Naintindihan ko kaagad ang gusto n’yang iparating.

He wouldn’t be in that position kung hindi ako nawala. He would be relieved of the responsibilities kung tinanggap ko iyon ngayon. But it wasn’t like I asked to get kidnapped. I suffered. But it seemed like Rio suffered as well.

I looked at Serj. He was quiet. Ipinapaubaya na sa ’kin ang desisyon. I knew he had opinions, but he stayed quiet.

But then, I guess I had to let go of everything.

“Alright…” I said.

Rio smirked.

“I’ll arrange everything.”

“Ano’ng plano mo sa mga Irish?” tanong ko kay Serj. Knowing him, hindi n’ya palalagpasin ang nangyari.

“We’ll declare war. We’ll take everything from them.”

Natawa ako. I wasn’t even surprised.

“I think I have a say in this as well,” Rio said. “Since it was the Italian’s heir that they took as well.”

I tsked. Sinimangutan si Rio.

“I don’t even care about it.”

“What is it?” Serj asked bago pa kami magkasagutan ni Rio.

“Don’t you think that we’ll just have a lot of enemies if we declare war? Mas gugulo. Since I think Irish men are all over the place. Kahit sa Pilipinas.”

Natigilan ako. I thought of Irina.

I saw Serj glance at me. He was quiet.

“What are you suggesting?” I asked Rio.

“Marriage alliance,” Serj answered.

He looked at me. He didn’t want war anymore. There would be a lot of risk. After all, the woman he was pining for was in the Philippines as well.

“I won’t marry anyone if it isn’t Irina,” I said.

“I didn’t say anything, did I?”

“Who’s Irina?” Rio asked. Pero may hinala akong alam na n’ya ang sagot kaya hindi ko na pinansin at tumingin na lang kay Serj.

“So, you’re thinking of declaring war then?”

“I didn’t say that as well.”

“So, you’ll choose a marriage alliance?” Napatingin si Rio kay Serj.

“I can’t help you if it’s marriage alliance,” I said.

Serj nodded.

“It’s alright… I’m thinking of someone else.”

I tried to think of who was available.

“It’s either Iohann or Lev, then. Since you already gave Nikolaj something to do.”

“Or Damien,” Serj said quietly.

Saglit akong natigil. Then I chuckled.

“Ah, right… I forgot about the bastard.”

“Who’s Damien?” Rio asked.

“But knowing Damien, he won’t easily agree to marry anyone.”

Serj smirked coldly.

“Not when it’s Pakhan’s orders.”

“Nice talking to you too, Rio.”

Pareho kaming napatinginni Serj kay Rio nang sabihin n’ya ’yon. Kanina pa kasi walang pumapansin sa kanya.

Rio chuckled and relaxed in his seat.

“Don’t mind me. I’ll let you plan on what to do with the Irish since my brother is in the Bratva now. Kayo ang mas may karapatan.” He smiled. “But I’ll still want to help.”

Serj nodded. Hindi na rin ako nagsalita. I think that was the best as well. The Italian and Russian mafias made an alliance against the Irish mafia.

Tinupad ko rin ang pangako ko kay Rio. I met our parents. Or if it was even right to call them that. Because as I looked at them, I couldn’t feel anything. Siguro may kaunting galit pa, but there was a good thing that happened when I got kidnapped.

I became a Romanov. I lived in Russia, where I met Irina. Iyon na lang ang iniisip ko.

The woman was crying. I guess she was my mother. Rio got his eyes from her, while I got my eyes from my father. Tahimik lang ako habang umiiyak ang babae, while the man was apologizing endlessly to me.

I noticed something. The woman was mad at the man. Halos hindi rin nagpapansinan. And I remembered that Rio told me they were planning to get a divorce.

Hmm…

“My son…” the woman sobbed. “I’m so sorry if I couldn’t protect you, Arcangelo.”

“I’m Killian,” I said. “I’m not Arcangelo.”

Mas napaiyak lang doon ang babae. But I couldn’t help saying that. That name, Arcangelo, sounded so strange to me. Parang hindi ako. It didn’t even fit me.

“I’m a Romanov,” I said. “I’m Killian Romanov.” I looked at the man. “I won’t go back to being a Rossetti. My life is in Russia.”

I saw the hurt in the man’s eyes. My father. Sa tingin ko pa nga ay gusto n’yang magprotesta. But he must’ve thought of his shortcomings. That he really failed me. Kaya sa huli ay tumango na lang s’ya.

“I understand…”

Mas napaiyak doon ang babae. She held my hands.

“Arca—” she sobbed. “Killian… Would you at least still visit me? I don’t want to lose my son completely. I won’t even stop you if you don’t go back to our family. But please… let me see you from time to time.”

I looked at her hands. Mahigpit iyong nakahawak sa mga kamay ko na para bang mawawala akong bigla na parang bula sa harapan n’ya. Her hands were warm. Even the look in her eyes, and I bet her tears were warm too.

Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang kamay n’ya sa ’kin. I held it instead.

“I can’t promise, but… I’ll try.”

I thought Rio wouldn’t bother me after that. But he stayed in Russia and was always around. Hinayaan ko na lang. I already told him that I would stay a Romanov, but he was still calling me his brother.

I sighed. Well… at least I got the head of the Bratva and the Cosa Nostra as my brothers.

I thought meeting my family would be the biggest surprise in my life, but it wasn’t.

Because I found out that Irina and I have a son.

It was just a gut feeling as I heard the rumors that Irina’s parents had a new child. Pinagdedebatehan pa nga kung anak ba nila talaga iyon. But they never confirmed. At doon ako nagkahinala.

And I finally understand why Serj was set on keeping Irina away from me. That I should give her time and let her heal.

Because we have a son. And that fucking changed everything.

I got mad at Serj for keeping the truth from me. But then, I realized that it was really the best. Irina was pregnant when she was tortured. And I couldn’t even think of what she had to go through after that.

She was pregnant when those men hurt her. There was even a possibility that it would affect our child or that she would have a miscarriage.

Ah… fucking shit. I should’ve tortured them more.

Kaya kahit mahirap at kahit na, putang ina, inip na inip na ako at mauubos na ang pasensya ko sa paghihintay, I gave her time. I waited for her. I knew she’d come back to me.

We have a son. Hindi naputol ang koneksyon ko sa kanya.

We fucking have a son.

And then, after three years, Serj finally made a move.

After three years, I met Irina again.

Tangina, hindi pa nga maganda ’yung timing. Something happened at her afterparty. She got in danger again. And I wanted to kill those men who put her in danger and made her remember what she had gone through.

The three years we were apart made me miss her so much. I couldn’t even think of how I managed to live without her. Nang makita ko kasi ulit s’ya, naramdaman kong buhay ulit ako. I finally got to breathe again. My heart beats with life again.

She even got more beautiful. Ang ganda-ganda n’ya. Her beauty was really out of this world.

I wanted to take her again. I wanted to make her mine. And this time, I made a promise that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t ever let her go again. Ikamamatay ko na kapag nangyari pa ’yon.

It was so hard to control myself knowing that she was this close to me. Still, I waited. I waited for her to come to me. Ayoko na s’yang biglain. Natatakot na akong magkamali at tumakbo na naman s’ya palayo. I wanted to take things slow this time. Gusto ko, s’ya na ang kusang lalapit sa ’kin.

She knew that I already knew about our son. Pero hinintay ko pa rin s’yang kusang sabihin ang katotohanang ’yon sa ’kin.

“Are you free this—”

“Yes.”

“—weekend?”

She stared at me. Hindi pa kasi s’ya tapos magtanong ay sumagot na agada ko. But what could I do? I wanted to be with her. Kahit yata sobrang busy ko pa ay gagawin kong libre ang araw ko para sa kanya.

“What’s on the weekend?” I asked.

“Oh, uhm… I want to invite you for lunch at my place. You still know where that is, right?”

“Yeah… I’ll be there.”

“Also… bring chocolate cream puffs. Kaz likes it.”

I blinked. Kaz… I knew she was talking about our son. Finally… she was willing to let me meet our son.

I was excited to meet Kaz. Hindi pa nga ako nakatulog. I wanted to look good. I even wore clothes that would hide my tattoos.

So, when I got to her place, my excitement turned to nervousness. Puta… Nakakakaba pa lang humarap sa anak namin.

But when I finally saw him, I saw those innocent eyes looking at me. I realized that I was making a mistake again.

I shouldn’t have been here. I’m dirty. My hands are dirty. I will just taint them with my darkness. Mahahawa lang sila ng dumi ko. Natatakot akong masaktan ko ang anak namin. Natatakot akong masaktan ko na naman si Irina.

It was a mistake to want to be in their lives.

“I know you won’t hurt him, Killian. I trust you.”

“Irina…”

Fuck. How could she still trust me after what happened to her?

“Kaz needs you. Our son needs you. I want you to be there for him.”

Our son…

Alright… if that was what she wanted, I’d fucking do everything for her, for our son. I’d kill for them. I’d die for them.

I was happy to be with them. Hindi ko alam na magiging ganito ako kasaya. I didn’t want to let go of them anymore.

Muntik na naman nga akong iwanan ni Irina dahil kay Rio. Ang gago kong nakababatang kapatid, ginawa na namang komplikado ang sitwasyon namin. Sinabi ba naman ang tungkol sa pagiging Italian mafia ko. Dinamay pa talaga ng tarantado ang anak namin!

“I just want her to know the truth about you,” sabi ni Rio nang pagsabihan ko s’ya tungkol doon. Muntik ko pa ngang masuntok. “Baka maging problema pa kung ililihim mo lang sa kanya.”

I tsked. Pero hinayaan ko na. He has a point anyway.

After all, hindi ko na rin naman hahayaang mawala sa ’kin ang pamilya.

So, accepted Serj’s suggestion. He wanted us to take a break from everything and spend time together. So, staying in the Philippines wasn’t that hard for me.

Nagawa ko na rin namang makapunta ulit sa Pilipinas nang sunduin ko sina Serj at Natalia. Pero saglit lang. Iba pa rin ’yung tumira ako sa Pilipinas.

But it didn’t become a problem for me. Not when I have Irina and Kazimir with me. Naging sobrang saya ko habang kasama ko sila that they gave the Philippines a new meaning to me. Hindi na ulit ako nasasaktan habang nakatira ako sa bansang ’yon.

I made beautiful memories with them in the Philippines. After all, Irina accepted my proposal in that place. If I could even call that a proposal since I didn’t give her a choice.

Still, she happily told me that she’d marry me.

After staying in the Philippines for a while, we went back to Russia. And the first thing we did was talk to Serj.

“We decided to get married,” I said. Katabi ko si Irina, hawak ang kamay n’ya, habang kaharap namin si Serj. “Please, give us your blessings and approval.”

Serj looked at Irina.

“Is this out of your will?”

I frowned. “What the fuck—”

“No,” natatawang sabi ni Irina pero seryosong tumingin pabalik kay Serj. “I want to marry Killian. I love him, and I want to spend the rest of my days with him.”

Syempre, natuwa ako sa sabi n’ya. I wanted to kiss the life out of her there or even fuck her kung hindi lang naming kaharap si Serj.

Serj stared at us, pagkatapos ay sa kamay naming magkahawak. He took a deep breath.

“And you did this when you knew that Natalia left me.”

I chuckled.

“Hindi ka naman iniwan, boss. Babalikan ka naman.”

He tsked. But then he sighed. He smiled warmly at us.

“Finally… of course, I will give you my blessings. I know very well what both of you have gone through. You deserve this happiness.”

“Thank you, boss.”

Serj frowned at me.

“But can you push your wedding until Natalia gets back to me?”

Ako naman ang napasimangot.

“Naiinggit ka— Aw!”

Napadaing ako nang pasimpleng kinurot ni Irina ang tagiliran ko. She gave me a warning look before smiling at Serj.

“Of course, Serj. Hindi rin naman kami nagmamadali. We want to enjoy our lives first together.”

Syempre hindi na ako nakaangal. Both my Pakhan and the woman who got me around her fingers had an agreement. Ano pa bang magagawa ko?

But then… I’m willing to wait. Kahit gaano pa katagal. Hindi na rin naman ako maiinip dahil kasama ko na ang mag-ina ko.

Even when three years passed, it felt like nothing to me. The days I spent with Irina and Kazimir made me feel like I was in bliss. Para bang binawi dahil sa lahat ng mga naranasan ko noon.

If I could go back to the past, I’d still choose to get through those dark days again. Kung iyon ang daan para makilala ko si Irina, I’d willingly get through all of it.

After all, I was already living the happiest life with her and our son beside me.

“When can we get married?” I asked. Kagigising lang ni Irina at iyon agad ang tinanong ko sa kanya. “Binalikan na ni Natalia si Serj.”

I couldn’t help it. I fucked her all night long, and she was really tired. But I realized that I want us to get married now.

“Hmm…” She snuggled close to me and smiled. “Next year?”

I sighed.

“Is that really what you want?”

Tinangala n’ya ako.

“Natatakot ka pa rin bang baka umalis na naman ako? I won’t do it again, Killian. I’ll stay with you. Always.”

I smiled at first. I couldn’t help but give her a deep kiss. I had to stop quickly dahil nabubuhay na naman ang dugo ko. Nag-uusap pa kami.

“I know… But still, I want you to be my wife. Gusto na kitang asawahin.”

Natawa si Irina at napatitig na lang ako. How the fuck could she look this beautiful in the morning?

“Ako rin naman. Pero marami pa kasi tayong dapat asikasuhin sa kasal natin. I want us to have a perfect wedding.”

“Hmm… Alright.”

Kung iyon ang gusto n’ya, then so be it. Kahit mainip na naman ako. Gusto kong ibigay lahat ng gusto n’ya.

“I have to get up. May pasok pa si Kaz.”

I groaned. Napatingin ako sa orasan sa bedside table.

“We still have time.”

“What?”

I grinned at her.

“C’mon. Let’s have a quickie.” Mabilis ko s’yang dinaganan.

“Killian!”

She laughed, but I kissed her. Her laughter died in my mouth, and it turned into a moan.

“I love you, Killian,” she whispered. Lust was in her eyes.

“I am fucking and deeply in love with you, Irina.”

Ah… this is it. This is everything I wanted. Waking up in the morning with her in my arms and spending every day with her.

Irina made me realize so many things. She even changed the view I had of this world. She let me see every beauty that this world could offer. She made me feel hopeful. She made me feel alive again.

She gave me another reason to live. She taught me how to love and to wait. To be patient, as good things always come to those who wait.

She was a temptation, a temptress who made me want to hold on no matter how dim the light of hope became in the midst of the darkness. She was my temptation that made me want to do good things.

And if it was the only way I could get her, I would gladly succumb to her temptation. No matter how ruthless it could be.

Self-publish Announcement

Hi everyone! I am excited to announce that this story, His Ruthless

Temptation , is now a self-published book under Taralikha! The picture above is the official cover of the dust jacket as this is a hardbound copy.

There will be an additional FIVE special chapters that are only available in the self-pub book. I also included the Russian Bratva hierarchy chart that revealed some of the future male leads in the La Dominante series. Plus, additional freebies for those who will avail the book!

Pre-ordering is now open until January 15. To order and for more information, you can visit the Facebook page Taralikha or my official page HiroYuu101 Journal (handled by my admins).

I hope you’ll support our Sovietnik Killian Romanov!

— Comms