DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Some medical details, conditions, and developments have been modified or fictionalized for narrative purposes and are not intended to represent real medical facts or diagnoses. All characters and events in this story are entirely fictional.

WARNING: THIS IS A TRANSGENDER X STRAIGHT MAN STORY AND THIS STORY IS NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNG READERS, NARROW-MINDED PEOPLE, HOMOPHOBIC, TRANSPHOBIC. THIS STORY HAS A EXPLICIT SEXUAL SITUATION AND STRONG LANGUAGE.

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author.

Navira Alana Rico

X

Walter Edminton Hidalgo

---

Two strangers, bound only by circumstance, are unexpectedly drawn into a marriage that defies tradition and breaks the rules of the holy church. What begins as an accidental encounter turns into an unconventional union—one without blessings, rituals, or approval. Forced together by secrets, danger, or destiny, they must navigate a relationship built on uncertainty rather than love.

As they struggle to coexist, they uncover hidden truths about each other—and themselves—that slowly transform their forbidden bond. But with society judging them, the church condemning them, and their own pasts haunting them, the couple must decide:

Will they fight for a love born from an unconventional marriage… or let the world tear them apart?

COVEEEEN

Simula

Wedding

I stared at the face of the man who was bound to marry me… The very face of the man who shamed me, bullied me, and dragged me down like I was some virus that he didn’t want to have contact with.

Walter Edminton Hidalgo.

Member of the biggest global pop group, Serpent’s Seven.

I gripped my phone tightly as the video of them—Serpent’s Seven performing—played on the screen. My heart tightened as my breath labored. I couldn’t believe that this man would be my groom-to-be.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pumayag siya sa gusto ng kaniyang manager at ng kaniyang mga magulang na ikasal sa taong pinandidirihan niya. At ang hindi ko rin maintindihan ay ang pagpayag ng mga magulang ko noong nabubuhay pa ang mga ito.

Is it because Walter and his parents just wanted to honor my parents’ wish and my family’s name? To fulfill what they agreed on? Or is there something more? Far from what my mind could comprehend?

I sighed. Sobrang bigat ng atmospera sa loob ng silid na ‘to. The air in here was suffocating, and my breath was bulging against my throat. The room felt so heavy; the light was illuminating in every corner of the room, yet it seemed so dark.

Alam kong hindi na magiging maganda ang buhay na mayro’n ako once maikasal ako kay Walter. I know that every day will be a living hell for me… That my breakfast will be his damn words, his killing eyes, his fucking hatred against me!

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ginugusto ng puso ko ang isang katulad niyang lalaki! Puwede ko naman din kasing magustuhan na lang ang kagrupo niya! Anyone will do, just not him.

Huwag lang siya…

But what could I do if my heart is beating for him? That this damn heart of mine was looking for his love? His affection? His attention? Paano? Ano ba ang puwede kong gawin?

“Ma’am, naka-ready na po ang gown ninyo sa labas.” The attendant suddenly said, her voice was full of kindness.

I heaved another deep sigh before I decided to turn my phone off. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo sa harap ng vanity mirror dito sa loob ng room na napili ng pamilya niya para sa akin. Dito mismo sa loob ng venue ng pagdarausan ng aming kasal.

“Okay po, thank you,” I said, wearing a wide and sweet smile that could mask the pain that was coming in my heart.

Ngumiti ang attendant sa akin at namamanghang tiningnan ang aking mukha.

“Sobrang ganda niyo po talaga, Ma’am. Hindi po talaga ako makapaniwala na hindi po kayo pinanganak na babae—” Natigilan siya nang mapagtanto ang kaniyang sinasabi. She bowed her head apologetically as her hands played with every finger.

“Sorry po, Ma’am,” dugtong niya.

A smirk was born at both ends of my lips, stretching to a sincere and amused smile. But still, the weight of today’s event is lorded over me, as if there is nothing that could make me happy because of the reality that will soon dawn upon me.

“Okay lang po, I understand. Totoo naman po, pero thank you po kasi nagagandahan kayo sa akin.” Ani ko at sinimulan na maglakad sa kung nasaan siya.

She was standing by the door. Slowly, she raised her head, bowed to me, and swiftly went to the vanity mirror to check and fix the things there.

Pagkalabas ko ay sumalubong sa akin ang ibang mga tauhan ng kung anong agency or what that was rented by the family of Walter. There were so many people, busy with the things that were needed for today’s ceremony. In the far left corner of the room was the gown that was made and designed for me. It was white on the very base of the fabric with a tint of gold line on every side of the gown and a gold-like mesh on the chest part.

It was fabulous, pretty, and elegant. Hindi ko aakalain na makakasuot ako ng ganitong klase ng damit para sa ganitong okasyon. Pero kahit anong ganda ang mayro’n ito, hindi ko pa rin magawang maging masaya at i-enjoy ang kaganapan ngayong araw.

It was because I knew the fact that this wedding ceremony that I will be part of will never be the same as the fairy tale I dreamed of when I was just a young babe. A young trans that dreamed of experiencing this once-in-a-lifetime event in their life. Ang maikasal…

I scanned the whole room full of flowers, gifts, and all. Sobrang elegante at nakalamangha. Hindi man bago sa akin ang ganito ka-eleganteng mga okasyon at mga gamit. But the truth and reality were the ones who made me float like a bubble.

The assistant immediately went to me and guided me to where I would change into the dress. Naka-puting mini dress lang kasi ako kanina, and ngayon ay magpapalit na sa gown.

This is what you have dreamed of, Alana. Your parents dreamed and planned this for you… And they made your dream come true… You are now marrying the man you loved since you were in high school. The badboy, snob, and manwhore of the CDM…

The man who hates you the most.

Tears swiftly pooled on my cheeks. At kahit anong pigil ko sa hikbi ay hindi ko na iyon nagawa pang pigilan. The assistant noticed it and immediately aided me.

“Ma’am, naku, masaya rin kami para sa’yo… Na maikakasal ka na rin.” Natutuwa niyang ani matapos niya akong abutan ng tissue.

Malamyos at maingat ko iyong pinunas sa aking pisngi habang nakatungo sa baba ang aking mukha.

Masaya…

I smiled achingly…

Kung sana ganun nga talaga ang rason kung bakit ako umiiyak ngayon… Sana… Sana hindi ganito ang nararamdaman ko.

“Alam niyo, ito po ang unang beses kong makapag-assist ng bride na… trans po.” Aniya.

My eyes rose and looked at him through the mirror. He smiled at me.

“Sobrang nakakataba po ng puso na ang isang katulad kong nangangarap din ng ganito… Na maikasal sa lalaking mahal ko dito sa bansa natin ay isang tapak sa langit…” His cheeks became red as he said those words.

“Masaya po ako para sa inyo, Ma’am… Sobrang swerte niyo po… Sobrang swerte niyo na kay Sir Walter po kayo ikakasal… Mabait at guwapo po, tyaka mayaman at sikat.” Buong galak na pinuri niya ako.

Still, I couldn’t find the joy that I was supposed to feel right at this moment. I know that he was just expressing what he truly feels right now. Dahil nga totoo nga naman, na ang maikasal nang ganito ay isang bulang pangarap lang naman talaga sa mga katulad namin na miyembro ng bahagharing ulap.

Kahit na hindi na naiiba sa paningin at pandinig ng iba ang mga bagay na tungkol sa amin, ay hindi pa rin magawang legal at tanggapin ang pagpapakasal sa magkaparehas na kasarian. Kahit ang pakikipagrelasyon pa nga ay hindi pa rin katanggap-tanggap.

I pushed a slight smile to show him that I appreciated what he was saying. That despite the turmoil and the pain that I am feeling inside, I am still able to feel how expressive and pure his words are.

“Maraming salamat,” I said before finally staring at my reflection in the mirror. Where the woman was standing, wearing a sophisticated white gown, and was very beautiful and ethereal.

The pain grew inside my chest as I stared longer at my reflection. Sobrang ganda ko. Sobrang kakaiba kong tingnan ngayon. Never have I felt this pretty about myself. Ni hindi ko naramdaman ito ngayon.

Heto na iyon, Alana. This will be the end of you being single and a bearer of the Rico surname. This will mark the start of your life as part of the wealthiest and most successful clan of the East.

Nang matapos akong ayusan, saglit lang akong naghintay sa loob ng silid kung saan ako nagmula kanina. Hindi ko maiproseso lahat-lahat, at hindi ko rin matanggap ang mangyayari.

Kaya naman nang tawagin at igayak na ako ng assistant palabas ng room papunta sa main hall ng event ay ganun na lamang ang panginginig ng aking buong katawan. My hands shivered as the cold sweat started to pour from them. My chest pounded as I closely stepped towards the big door marking the event. Where this supposedly happy ceremony would begin.

“Congratulations po ulit, Ma’am. Bulong niya nang maipwesto na niya ako sa gitna ng malaking pinto.

From there, I could feel that my life would start to dissolve from its past self. That it will start to grow into a new one, a life with new people, with a new purpose, and with a nightmare waiting at the end of the path I will be heading.

May parte sa akin na masaya at natutuwa, ngunit mas malaki ang parte sa akin na nasasaktan at nalulungkot dahil sa alam kong hinding-hindi magiging katulad ng pinapangarap ko ang magiging buhay ko bilang asawa niya.

My eyes get teary as my heartbeat rises. The door slowly opened as the intimate sound of the hall started to swallow the whole place.

Tila nabingi ang aking tainga nang matanaw ko ang mga kilalang tao na nakatayo, suot-suot ang kanilang mamahaling damit na halatang pinili at sinadya para lamang sa kaganapan na ito. They were all smiling as they stared at my face. The pure and sincere happiness was dancing in their eyes. From where I stand, I can clearly see my family—my dear uncles, aunties, and my dear cousins—smiling and looking back at me, their eyes full of emotion.

My legs wobbled as I started to step towards the aisle, where the man I had loved for years was waiting for me—standing handsomely, wearing a white suit with gold roses on the side pocket. He was looking at me, bored and poker-faced.

Walang ngiti ang sumisilip sa kaniyang mga labi. Diretso at tuwid na nakatayo sa harapan habang pinapanood akong maglakad papalapit sa kaniya. I felt like the time suddenly slowed down, and my memories of him from the very beginning suddenly flashed in front of me, like a movie strip slowly making me look back at how I chased him… Pursue him, trying to make him love me.

Simula sa bawat sundot at nakatingin, ang pagiging kontento ko no’n mula sa pagtanaw sa kaniya na naging pagsunod at pilit na nagpapapansin kahit na ilang beses na niya akong sinabihan sa kung ano ang totoo sa naramdaman niya. He boldly showed me his true colors, the red flags, and the turn-offs, but the stupid young heart of mine never even dared to look at those reasons… to hate him.

Malungkot akong ngumiti habang dahan-dahan na tumulo ang luha ko mula sa aking mga mata. Kitang-kita ko ang pagtagis ng bagang ni Walter sa bawat hakbang na aking ginagawa.

“Walter… Uh… This is for you. Sana magustuhan mo.” Alok ko ng ginawa kong chocolate bouquet sa kaniya na may mga picture niya na pinagtyagan kong kunin at i-download mula sa mga fan sites… Ang iba pa ay sarili ko, at pinagtyaga kong i-screenshot mula sa mga video nila sa YouTube channel habang nag-iinsayo.

He looked at me sharply, and his irritation was so obvious on his face. “I’m not into sweets. Ilayo mo yan sakin.” Malamig niyang saad habang matalim ang mga singkit niyang mga mata na nakatitig sa akin.

Bumagsak ang balikat ko.

“P-Pero…”

He’s still wearing our university uniform. Guwapong guwapo siyang tingnan dahil bumabagay sa kaniya ang suot… Honestly, kahit ano naman.

“Do I need to repeat myself?” Pigilan niya sa iritasyon na nararamdaman. Malungkot akong tumingin sa hawak-hawak kong bouquet na gawa sa mga mamahaling chocolate na ako mismo ang nag-ayos at pinagpuyatan. Ginawa ko ito dahil nanalo siya… Sila ng grupo niya sa weekly evaluation nila. Napanood ko iyon nung nakaraan lang, kaya dali-dali ko itong ginawa para sa kaniya.

Ngumuso ako para pigilan ang kirot na nararamdaman dahil sa tinanggihan niya ang aking regalo. Hayaan mo na, Alana. Siguro nga ay hindi siya mahilig sa mga ganitong pagkain, lalo pa’t pinagbabawalan din siguro siya dahil na rin sa diet nila.

“G-Ganun ba? Sige… Uhm… Kahit ito nalang letter na ginawa ko. Gusto ko lang talaga bigyan ka ng regalo dahil naipanalo niyo ang evaluation.”

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya at mas nanlilisik ang mga mata. He now gritted his teeth as he looked at the letter that I’m giving to him. When he snapped his eyes back at me, my heart became fast.

I don’t want that either. Honestly, I don’t want to receive anything from you, you faggot,” he growled.

It was one of the moments he chose to pain me, to hurt me with the words that maybe for him it was nothing, but to me… To the likes of me, it can cut deep.

Napaangat ang tingin ko nang humuni ang tunog ng mga ibon na naninirahan sa simbahan na ‘to. The way they sang in sync made my heart feel a bit lighter. As much as I want to enjoy this moment, the reality always whispers the truth behind my ears.

That my husband—standing in the aisle, jaw clenching, eyes sharp while watching me—will never look at me the same way I looked at him.

Sana naging babae na lang ako… Para kahit papaano ay may ngiti at sigla man lang ang sumilip sa kaniyang mukha… Na kung babae na lang ako edi sana ay magagawa niya rin akong mahalin katulad ng sinabi niya sa akin noon… Pero hindi eh… That even though I’m a woman by heart and soul, it will never change the fact that I am not… biologically.

Those were the reasons he said to me that were too powerful yet understandable to me. Na sana kahit katanggap tanggap at madaling maunawaan… Ay, hindi ganito kasakit.

Men like him will never love someone like me… A transwoman… A woman wannabe, as he said.

Inilahad niya ang kamay niya upang alalayan ako paakyat ng baitang patungo sa harap ng magkakasala sa amin.

His eyes darkened as I reached for his hand. Kahit hindi akong tumingin sa kaniya ay alam kong dumidiin ito sa akin ng tingin.

“Let us start this special ceremony for…” the solemnizing officer announced.

Binitiwan ni Walter ang kamay ko nang makaharap na kami sa officer. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang aking puso dahil sa bilis ng tibok nito. My stomach churned as the officer said some things about the ceremony. He preached about the life of a married person. The hardship and the battles that we might face.

Gusto ko sanang lunukin lahat at namnamin ang sandali. Na gusto ko sana na kahit ngayon lang ay magpanggap at isipin kong totoo ang lahat pagkatapos nito.

I didn’t dare to look at his eyes the whole time that we shared the moment in front of the solemnizer. Kahit sa sandaling nagpapahayag na siya ang wedding vows niya sa akin ay makatitig lamang ako sa kamay naming magkahawak.

“Today I stand here grateful for you—for your strength, your kindness, and the beautiful woman you are. I promise to honor you, support you, and love you with all that I am. I will stand beside you in every joy and every challenge and choose you every single day.” His voice was masked with love and affection. It was his masterpiece, his skill. The one that lured me once. The pretentious side of Walter Edmenton Hidalgo.

My heart was booming madly inside my chest as I listened to his vows. The lies that were stuck to every word as he spoke were like acid pouring on me. That… Instead of joy and excitement, it was pain and suffering that I was feeling.

He gripped my hand, which made me look into his eyes. He was staring at me with bloodshot, deadly eyes.

“You are my heart, my partner, and my forever.
I love you, now and always.” He grinned evilly as he finished his vows.

I bit my lower lip as the tears started to pour down my cheeks. It was like a damn river that can’t be stopped as it wet my cheeks.

My throat tastes like acid as the air becomes heavy and tight. Alam kong kapag nag-umpisa na akong sabihin ang inihanda kong wedding vows sa kaniya, alam kong umpisa ng pagaalay ko ng sarili ko—lahat-lahat ng mayroon ako sa kaniya.

The dream, the life, the emotion, the moment—every bit of it that I once dreamed for us was now buried and filed deep down… In secrets.

“Walter… Mahal… May bigik na namuo sa lalamunan ko nang sabihin ko iyon.

Everyone was silent; no one dared to make any noise. They were just sitting there, listening to the vows that were made just for the show… But for me, it wasn’t… It was the truth that I know I will never share with anyone, even with him. I know that once the truth about his feelings towards me and the relationship behind this wedding is known to everyone, they will side with him.

Kaso nga lang, nang tinungo ko ang aking mukha at sinubukang tumingin sa aming magkahawak na kamay ay nakaramdam ako ng magaan at malambing na haplos sa aking palad.

My eyes poured more tears as I hoped it was real. That he was caressing my palm softly and gently…

Tumindi ang iyak ko. Hikbi na ipit at pilit na kinokontol.

“Today I choose you—completely and wholeheartedly. I promise to support you, cherish you, and love you through every joy and every challenge. You are my partner, my safe place, and my forever. I love you, always,” I said between the sobs as I spoke. The room felt empty yet heavy; the truth carries the burden of the consequences of this marriage. That this union was only built just to fulfill a promise—to honor the wish of the fallen and to carry the pack that was made through joy and happiness. To make the wish of our parents come true.

“Navirances Alfrancis Rico… Hidalgo.” He stated my birth name with perfect diction, attaching it to his family surname. The important people gathered in the hall gasped as they watched us bind our names together. Some even shrieked, thinking he said it to honor me, to show how devoted his love for me was.

To them, it was the truth, but for me, it was the lie he hid behind his facade. He said it to mock me, to show me how disgusted he was to be wed to me. How he hates and loathes me. Yet, my heart beats for him, longs for him, and lives for him. The stupidity of my heart was that I hated the most…

“Till death do us part,” he said before pulling me closer. His movements were swift, commanding—manipulating my body like a doll as he closed the distance between our lips.

The hall roared with the cheers of the people who were with us… In that moment, a glimpse of hope was burned in my heart.

He… Kissed me. He fucking kissed me.

Hindi magkamayaw ang puso ko sa pagtibok dahil sa pinaghalong lungkot, sakit, at tuwa na aking nararamdaman. The man whom I have loved for years, the man I admired for years, kissed me in front of everyone. At kahit alam ko ang katotohanang ginawa niya lang ito para ipakita na sarado na ang kasal namin, ay hindi ko magawang hindi makaramdam ng saya. Maybe it was the thought; even in a brief and facade moment, he noticed, and he let him touch me. Na kahit sa pantasya lang naman ito nabubuhay dati ay ngayon naman ay nangyayari na.

Congratulations to both of you. Hija, I know that you will be taken care of…” She then glanced at Walter. “As I can see here, your husband seems so good and fine. Mukhang hindi nananakit ang babae! “Pagbati sa akin ni Mrs. Del Prado. She laughed a bit as she gestured the gifts to the assistant.

Pilit kong pinepeke ang matatamis na ngiti na pumaplakad sa aking bibig. We are now here in the venue where the celebration will take place. Nasa harapan namin ni Walter, nakaupo sa mahaba at puting lamesa. Na para bang isa kaming pinuno ng isang kulto at ang mga bisita ang aming pinamumunuan.

The crowd was full of laughter, joy, and compassion. Nahihimigan ko rin ang paghanga nila sa aking… Asawa.

Asawa…

Why does it feel like I’m calling him the wrong name? Parang ang pait at ang sakit, sakit.

Suminghap ako bago ngumiti.

“Thank you so much po, Mrs. Del Prado.” Pagbati ko pabalik. I glance a bit beside her to check if her sons are with her. Ngunit bigo akong napabalik sa kaniyang mukha nang wala akong nakita kahit isa.

I wonder where Seth and Sylas went today? O ano ba pinagkakaabalahan nila kaya hindi man lang nila nakayanan na umattend sa… Kasal ko.

“Thank you, Mrs. Del Prado. We appreciate your presence in today’s ceremony,” Walter said with his deep and manly voice.

She looked at us with a glimpse of adoration. Ngiting-ngiti at walang bahid ng pagpapanggap.

“Naku! Ang buhay pag-aasawa ay puno ng mga pagsubok. Sana piliin ninyong intindihin ang isa’t isa. Iiyak ako kapag nalaman kong hindi naging maganda ang marriage life ninyong dalawa.” She took my hand, and I felt her squeeze it gently. Sa pagkakataon na ‘yon, nakaramdam ako ng ginhawa.

Her presence and her words somehow strike the nerves in my broken heart. I know that she didn’t mean any harm, but as much as I want to believe in her words despite the calm and sincerity in them, I couldn’t find a way to. Dahil bago palang kami ikinasal, bago palang kami tumayo dito. Matagal nang malinaw sa akin kung ano ang posibilidad na mangyari sa buhay ng asawa ko.

Walter never dared to spare a look at me. He never even had to try; he just didn’t want to. Ni hindi niya nga rin ako itinrato na para bang isang taong hindi niya pinandidirihan. Na kahit hindi na lang isang babae sa kung ano ang gusto kong makita ako ng mga tao… Niya… Kundi isang tao nalang.

But no… He didn’t. And that’s the reason why I no longer wished for or dreamed of having this wedding. Pero wala, wala rin naman akong nagawa. Natuloy pa rin, naikasal pa rin ako sa kaniya. Ang akala ko pa ay uurong siya sa kasal na ‘to matapos ko siyang mahuli sa kaniyang ginagawa.

Pero hindi rin naman siya ang may kasalanan nito… Hindi rin ang mga magulang niya, lalo na ang mga magulang ko. His parents were just honoring my parents’ wish. Naiintindihan ko iyon.

Pero siya… Hindi ko mahanapan ng rason kung bakit payag na payag siya at hindi man lang siya tumutol o umangal. He said he didn’t see me as his wife, but more so as a woman that I presented to everyone. Hindi niya rin kayang subukan na umibig sa akin… Yan ang mga salitang hindi ko makakalimutan dahil sa paulit-ulit niyang sinabi ‘yon.

Pero bakit? Bakit hindi siya umangal.

Umalis din naman si Mrs. Del Prado sa harapan namin matapos ang ilang minutong pakikipag-usap sa amin. May iba pang mga bigatin ang pumunta sa amin sa harapan para personal na batiin ang pag-iisang pangalan namin ni Walter.

May mga politicians, businessmen, and big-time personalities. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang nag-imbita sa kanila, pero posibleng sina Walter at ang pamilya niya. And my titos and titas are here too, kasama ang mga pinsan ko. Ngayon lang di ko pa nakikita o nalalapitan sila.

“Oh my gosh! Alana! Congratulations, girl! You’re so much like a queen in a castle! Sobrang ganda mo!” Tili ni Feli, Nagtatalon pa siyang hinawakan ang kamay ko. Her face was no doubt in joy and amusement.

“Feli,” Ani ko.

Sa likod niya ay nando’n si Kali, si Venice, at si Kalix. They were my childhood friends. The only friends who stayed by my side shared their laughter, their stories, and their problems. And the shelter that keeps me warm in my life.

Alam din nilang lahat kung ano ang totoo sa likod ng kasal na ito. Kaya nagtataka lang din ako kung bakit ganito ang tuwa ni Feli, gayong alam niya kung gaano kaasim ang turing sa akin ni Walter.

“Gosh! I knew you would be the beautiful bride of the day! Grabe.” She glanced at the man beside me. Her expression changed into something hostile before it quickly shifted back to amusement.

“Feli, masyado ka naman oa. Alam kong maganda ako, pero hindi naman sa punto ng sinasabi mo.” Sagot ko. Ngumiwi ang labi niya bago niya ako inirapan.

I chuckled at her expression. Sumunod naman na bumati sa akin ang tatlo.

“Congratulations, mader. Sobrang slay ng atake mo diyan.” Si Kali bago bumeso sa akin. She’s wearing a white dress with gold lining on both sides of the hem. Nakalugay ang mahaba at itim niyang buhok na bumagay sa mukha niyang maliit.

“I know, right?”

She chuckled. Tumingin din siya kay Walter at bumati, at kahit alam kong matamis ang ngiti niya na ginawad sa asawa ko. Alam kong sa likod no’n ang pag-ayaw niya sa kaniya.

“Congratulations on your wedding, Mr. and Mrs. Hidalgo. I hope you both have prosperity and peace in your married life. Sobrang bagay ninyong dalawa kung hindi kayo lang demonyo.” Sambit niya bago balingan si Walter.

“Kali,” pagpigil ko.

Her eyes snapped at me; in a moment, they became so soft and vulnerable. Nang bumaling ito ulit kay Walter, naging matalim ulit ang tingin niya bago umirap. Buti nalang lang din ay malayo itong lamesa namin sa mga panauhin, kaya hindi masyadong naririnig kung ano man ang pinag-uusapan namin.

And to my surprise as well, Walter didn’t react to any of her words. He was just standing beside me, looking at my friends with his stoic and nonchalant look. Na para bang wala siyang pakialam sa lumalabas sa bibig ng kaibigan ko.

“Alana,” it was now Venice. She hugged me tightly before pulling away from the hug. Humalik siya sa pisngi ko bago bumaling sa asawa ko.

Out of the four, Venice was the one who was calmer and had the attitude that would weigh and examine everything before reacting. Kaya sa apat, sa kaniya ako madalas magtanong kung ano ang magandang gawin o desisyon.

“Congratulations, Mr. Hidalgo. I hope you take good care of our friend here. We know the truth, but we must put our trust in you. Sana hindi mo kami biguin,” she said, straight to the point.

“Thank you.” That was the only word my husband said to her.

Tumango lang naman si Venice bago gumilid at bigyan ng pagkakataon na lumapit sa akin si Kalix.

Kalix’s eyes were glued to me; in his eyes, there were emotions I couldn’t find to understand. Halo-halo at masyadong makintab. Guwapo siya sa suot niya at sobrang lalaking-lalaking tingnan.

“Alana,” he called, voice dripping with something.

I was about to go near him when a hand suddenly snaked around my waist. Nanigas at tumayo ang balahibo ko ro’n, lalo pa’t ramdam na ramdam ko kung paano mapag-angkin na gumalaw ang palad at braso niya sa balat kong walang tela. Backless ang gown ko, kaya naman ramdam na ramdam ko iyon.

Kalix’s eyes snapped at Walter, then to his hand on my waist. His jaw clenched as his eyes became dark and bloodshot.

“Thank you for attending our wedding; I highly appreciate it. My wife and I will now have our moment, so please let us excuse ourselves.” Walter declared like a king on his own throne.

Napaawang ang labi ko habang nakatitig sa kaniya. Walang expression ngunit bahid ang inis sa kaniyang boses. Aangal na sana ako, ngunit hindi ko na nagawa pang hilain siya at may kung anong sinenyas sa host.

Nahihiya ako dahil hindi ko man lang nagawang makausap si Kalix. I don’t understand his reason why he didn’t let Kalix have his chance to greet us. At bakit ganun na lamang ang biglaan niyang galaw.

At ano’ng ibig niyang sabihin sa sinabi niya? Have our moment? Moment? What’s with those words, Walter? I know there’s nothing behind those words! But fuck this heart of mine for hoping that there is something with those words.

Lumutang na ang utak ko at nagpatinaod nalang sa kaniya habang iginiya niya ako paalis sa venue. Hindi ko na rin nagawang magpaalam sa mga kakilala ko, kina Tita at Tito, at sa mga kaibigan ko.

My mind floats because of him and what he said. Ayokong umasa at ayokong masaktan. Tama na ang pagiging walang halaga ko sa kaniya noong panahon na fiancé ko palang siya… At engaged pa lang kami.

Naninigas at tila wala sa wisyo ako sa buong biyahe namin hanggang sa elevator na paakyat sa penthouse na tinutuluyan namin.

My heart hurt because of how hard it pounds inside my chest. Nanlalamig din ang katawan ko at hindi ko magawa man lang mag-react sa lahat.

Walter’s hand was still around my waist. Nararamdaman ko rin ang pagpisil-pisil niya sa bandang tagiliran ko, kaya nakikiliti.

When the elevators swung open, my body shivered in fear. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang magaganap pag pumasok na kami sa loob ng penthouse niya.

What will happen to us? Are we going to…

Mababaliw na ata ako sa mga naiisip ko… Kung kanina lang ay halos mamatay na ako sa sakit na nararamdaman ko, tapos ngayon mababaliw naman ako sa kakaisip sa mga magaganap.

Hindi naman kaya lasing si Walter at ganito na lamang biglang nag-iba ang kaniyang galaw. Matapos kasi niya akong halikan at ianunsyo ang matagumpay na pag-iisang dibdib namin dalawa ay hindi na niya ako ulit tinignan.

Hindi niya rin ako kinikibo o hindi man lang siya nag-uumpisa na magsalita para man lang ay mayro’n kaming pag-uusap sa harap.

He was just talking when someone came up to us in front and greeted us about the wedding. Do’n lang siya nagsasalita; do’n lang din siya gagalaw.

He never dared to look at me, nor even have a conversation with his… Wife.

With me.

Kaya ganito nalang ako kabahan nang biglang magbago ang galaw niya.

“Get in,” madilim at madiin niyang saad nang pagbuksan niya ako ng pinto.

Nangangatog na ang binti ko habang namamawis ang kasulok-sulok ng aking katawan, kahit na ang singit ko.

Something is wrong with him… With his move. The way he talks and commands me. May iba.

Sumulyap ako sa kaniya at ganoon nalang ang pagtindin ng panlalamig ng aking katawan nang makitang madilim ang ekspresyon ng kaniyang mukha. Nag-iigtingan din ang kaniyang mga panga.

“W-Walter.”

“I said get in, Alana. Don’t make me repeat my words,” he warned me.

Napalunok nalang ako bago tumango at pumasok sa loob. Ramdam ko ang tingin niyang pumupukol sa akin habang naglalakad ako papasok. Kaya nang makapasok ako nang tuluyan sa loob ay napatalon ako nang pabagsak nang isinara ang pinto.

Slowly, I turned my body to him. My whole body froze in place as soon as I saw his expression. His eyes were dark as the sky in space; his lips were tight as his jaw clenched tightly. Tila ako aapuyin sa takot dahil sa kaniyang hitsura.

“A-Anong problema, W-Walter?” I asked, trying to keep my voice straight.

He smirked at me deadly. Inumpisahan niyang i-unbutton ang kaniyang damit habang nakatitig nang madilim sa akin. Mas lalong kumabog ang dibdib ko na para bang kahit anong segundo ay lalabas na iyon sa aking dibdib.

“What do you think is the problem, huh?” He asked back; his voice was cold and a bit deadly to my ears.

H-Huh?

“H-Hindi ko nga alam kaya nagtatanong ako… May nagawa ba ako para magalit ka?”

Hindi siya sumagot at tinuko lang ang ulo habang patuloy siya sa ginagawa niya. He removed his coat and continued to unbutton his dress shirt.

“You plan to talk to him like I wasn’t there standing beside you, looking at him as if we had just gotten married. Ganyan ka na ba kadesperada sa lalaki, Alana!?” His voice roared as he successfully unbuttoned his dress shirt.

Napaatras ako nang sinturon niya naman ang kaniyang kinakalas ngayon. The dark and evil mood in his face was making me lose my breath to live. Gusto ko ring sampalin ang sarili ko dahil nagagawa ko pang mamangha sa kung gaano siya gumwapo sa paningin habang madilim na ang kaniyang aura.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya galit na galit… Kay Kalix siya galit? Eh hindi nga kami nakapag-usap. At anong sinasabi niyang desperada sa lalaki?

My heart hurt when his words dawned on me.

Malandi ako? Ayun ba ang tinutukoy niya.

Bumagsak ang suot niyang slacks sa sahig ng penthouse, at lumitaw ang suot niyang Calvin Klein boxer brief. Bumabakat na ro’n ang kaniyang pagkakalalaki. Napatitig ako ro’n ng ilang segundo bago ko ituon sa kaniyang mukha.

“We are married, Alana! So drop your fucking fantasy with that man! You are mine now! Mine alone. And you will only serve me, love me. Nothing else, no one else.” He shouted.

Grabe na ang panginginig ng aking katawan. Na kung anuman ang oras ay tuluyang babagsak. This was the first time that I saw him this angry. Sa tagal naming magkasamang naninirahan dito sa penthouse, kailanman hindi siya nagalit nang ganto.

Ano ba ang nangyayari? Ba’t galit na galit siya?

“A-Ano ba ang sinasabi mo, Walter? Fantasy? Walang ganyan sa akin para kay Kalix.” Subok kong ikatuwiran.

Ngumisi lang siya bago pinatunog ang kaniyang leeg. Hinubad na niya ang dress shirt niya, kaya tumambad sa akin ang hubad niyang pang-itaas.

“Don’t fucking fool me, Alana. Whatever excuse you say, keep it to yourself and tight-lipped. Now, strip and bend.”

Kabanata 1

KABANATA 1

Arranged

“I’m happy that our dream will finally come true, Janine! I really want your daughter for my son. She’s… so pretty and well-mannered… such a woman.” Nagagalak na tawa ni Tita Holy. She put her hand in front of her lips as she giggled sophisticatedly.

“Really, Holy? Kung alam mo lang kung paano ko hinahangaan ang anak mong si Walter at hinihiling na sana siya na lang ang mapangasawa nitong nag-iisa kong anak. You know naman! As parents, we only want what is best for our children… and that includes their partner!” Si Daddy naman iyon. Rinig ko ang tawa ni Tito Percy.

The dining hall of the Hidalgo’s mansion was full of joy and laughter. Bawat sulok, bawat space ng silid ay punong-puno ng kagalakan dahil sa isang bagay na ako mismo ang humiling… Ang pakasalan ang lalaking minamahal ko.

Parang umiikot ang paningin ko at tanging pagtibok lang ng aking puso dahil sa labis na kaba ang aking naririnig bukod sa kanila.

Si Walter.

Pero sa paraan ng pagtitig niya sa akin at kung paano niya ipinapakita ang pagkadismaya niya sa katulad ko, parang gusto ko na lamang umatras.

The way he bore his eyes into me was like he was putting holes into my head. The way his eyes showed disgust and denial toward the arrangement was just a reality I had to face. He would never see me as who I am… but as how I looked based on my… gender identity.

“I’m so happy with this decision, Janine, Podrick. Kung alam niyo lang talaga. I really want my son to settle down as he isn’t getting any younger! Ni hindi ko rin nakikitaan ng girlfriend ito. Mauunahan pa ata ng kapatid niya!”

“Naku! Akala ko’y naging sila nung kasama niya sa…” Mommy trailed off.

Wala sa sarili akong napaangat ng tingin sa lalaking walang ibang ginawa kundi ang tumitig sa akin nang masama. Pag-angat ko ng tingin ay sumalubong sa akin ang madilim niyang hitsura. His jaw was clenched as he stared at me with disgust in his eyes.

He looked very handsome and very well put together in his white linen dress shirt paired with his neatly groomed hair. Walter Edminton Hidalgo was just so fine and… hot.

Tuwid na tuwid ang pagkakaupo niya at kahit tuwang-tuwa ang mga kasama namin sa lamesa, kabaligtaran naman ang ipinapakita niya.

His aura was so dark that he could be accused of plotting a… murder.

Walter tilted his head to the side as his eyes grew darker… still staring at me.

Napaiwas ako ng tingin at napalunok. Gosh! Para niya akong papatayin!

Look what you did, Alana! He looks so pissed and disgusted!

I bit my lower lip as I put my gaze back on my dancing fingers.

“Kung gano’n ay kailangan na nating planuhin ang kasal ng dalawa! I will contact the people I know who can make their wedding so grand!”

“Hon, huwag ka masyadong excited. What if we let the two of them decide about it? After all, it’s their wedding. Diba, hijo?” It was Tito Percy.

“Yeah.” Malalim at malagom na boses ni Walter iyon. Tipid lang ang sagot niya pero para sa akin, alam kong ayaw na ayaw niya iyon.

“See? My son already agreed to marry your daughter, Pod. And I know that your daughter does too, right?”

“Oh! Percy, kung alam mo lang na ang anak ko ang…”

“Mom…” Putol ko kay Mommy dahil pakiramdam ko, kapag nasabi niya na iniyak ko sa harap nila ni Daddy at pumayag na sila sa gusto ng mga magulang ni Walter, mas lalalim lang ang galit sa akin ng lalaki.

“Why, hija? What is it? Ano iyong ginawa nitong si Alana?” Tita Holy asked.

I raised my head and looked at him. Pilit kong iniiwas ang aking tingin sa lalaking katabi ni Tita Holy.

“W-Wala po, Tita.” I looked at Mommy. I held her hand below the table and looked at her pleadingly.

“Mom…” Mommy looked at me softly. There’s a sweet smile on her lips as she stared at my face. Tumitig lang siya sa akin ngunit alam kong alam niya ang ibig kong sabihin.

Na ayaw ko na lang ipagsabi niya ang ginawa ko noong nakaraan.

Na ang nangyayari ngayon ay ako lang din naman ang naging dahilan.

I cried in front of them like a kid pleading with her parents for a Barbie doll. Hindi ko na kasi alam ang dapat kong gawin dahil pakiramdam ko ay punit na punit ang puso ko matapos akong i-turn down ni Walter.

I fired my shot again that day. And as usual, he turned me down like it was the most normal and usual thing for him to do.

The gifts I bought for him and the flowers were all thrown into the bin. He threw them away without a second thought, and that was the breaking point for me. Ang sakit-sakit at pakiramdam ko ay bumalik ako sa pagiging senior high school at sa unang beses na umamin ako sa kaniya.

Truth is, I’ve liked Walter since we were in grade school. He was the man who embodied the things I liked. Tindig ang katawan at kalkulado ang bawat kilos. Matalino at kahit tahimik ay alam mong may ingay na tinatago. He looked like a man who couldn’t be approached the first time you bumped into him. He had this face that was so stoic and looked like a snob. Tipong kahit anong pagpapapansin mo ay hinding-hindi ka niya tatapunan ng pansin.

And that was the very thing I liked about him.

Alam kong sa iba ay kabaliwan ito at hindi isang normal na bagay para gustuhin ang isang tao, pero para sa akin ay isa ito sa mga pinakamalalim na dahilan kung bakit gusto ko siya. Pakiramdam ko, ang mga bagay na iyon ay hindi tipikal o natural. Para sa akin, ang mga iyon ang kakaiba at bukod-tanging bagay na lalo pang nagpagusto sa akin sa kaniya.

“Hindi ba’t masyado nating minamadali ang bagay na ito? I know that we already agreed to this marriage, but their marriage shouldn’t be rushed.” Si Daddy.

Binalot ng katahimikan ang buong lamesa at sa pagkakataong iyon ay nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong i-absorb ang mga bagay na nangyayari sa buong paligid.

I stole a glance at the man in front of me. And not to my surprise, nasa akin pa rin ang madilim at mariin niyang titig.

I tore my eyes away from him and looked at his parents bago ko tingnan ang mga masasarap na putaheng nakahain sa lamesa.

“Oh… Of course! Of course! Yes! I’m sorry, Pod. I’m just so excited about this… It was our dream to become one family.” Sopistikadang tawa ni Tita Holy.

“It was me and Janine’s dream since we were in high school… you know.” Tumawa naman si Mommy, habang si Daddy naman ay napapailing na lamang habang may galak na ngiti sa kaniyang labi.

Alam ko iyon. Alam na alam. Hindi na bago sa akin ang impormasyong sinabi ni Tita dahil simula pa lamang noong mga bata pa kami ay palagi na iyong sinasabi ni Mommy at ni Tita sa akin. That it was their dream to marry their children off and unite our families into one. Gasgas na kumbaga sa bato ang ganoong bagay. That, for them, was the sole reason for me and Walter to marry each other. But for me, it was my last hope and the last string I could pull. 

It was a desperate move, yes, because I know deep inside that it was my nightmare to see him fall for someone else. Alam kong diring-diri siya sa akin. Sa katulad ko. He was very clear about that. But no one can blame me for this because I only want him for me… for myself.

Is it the most villainous thing a person can do?

Eh?

I think no. I’m just a person capable of loving someone so deeply that I could let myself do something this evil.

“What if we let them live under the same roof, yes?” It was Tita. Mabilis na napunta sa kaniya ang mga mata ko habang namimilog ang mga iyon. At kitang-kita sa gilid ng mata ko ang mabilis na pagbaling ng tingin ni Walter sa kaniya.

Nangingilabot pa rin ang kaniyang mga mata. “Mom, what?! No!” He protested. Nasa kaniya na ngayon ang tingin naming lahat. And as I stared at his face, I could feel myself being torn apart.

I should feel happy. I should feel contented. But why am I feeling so hurt and in pain as I looked at his disgusted and heartbroken eyes?

Why?

“Walter…” Malambing na saad ng Mommy niya.

Lumunok si Walter habang nakatitig sa Mommy niyang may madilim na mga mata. At kahit nakagilid siya ay kitang-kita ko ang lahat ng nakakubli sa mga mata niya.

He was so against this. 

Alam ko at malakas ang pakiramdam kong ayaw niya ito. The way his eyes became so lifeless and dark because of this topic made my heart clench in pain.

Tita Holy held his cheek and caressed it gently. Namumungay ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa anak na madilim na nakaharap sa kaniya.

“This is my dream for you… To see you wed someone special and close to my heart. To see you be happy.”

Walter stared at his Mom as he slowly gulped. He shook his head slowly, which made my heart shatter even more.

“Walter…” Tawag ni Daddy niya sa kaniya. Naramdaman ko ang paghawak ni Mommy sa kamay ko kasabay ng pag-alis ko ng tingin sa kanilang dalawa at pagtungo nito sa aking mga kamay.

My parents stayed silent as we let them talk to Walter.

“Yes, you’re happy. But am I… happy?” Mababang sabi niya kaya mas lalo kong naibaba ang aking ulo.

“With all due respect, Sir… Mom… and you.” Walter stood up. Nanatili ang tingin ko sa mga kamay ko. Alam kong ako ang tinutukoy niya. I know that he was talking to me. I know that he’s going to say his truth about this marriage.

“I never wanted a-any of this. I’m not h-happy about all of this…” His voice broke. Doon napaangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

He was standing tall across my seat. He looked so broken. Devastated and completely against this. Kitang-kita na iyon ngayon sa mukha niya. Hindi na nakakubli sa madilim na ekspresyon na palagi niyang ipinapakita.

“H-Hijo…” Kinakabahan na tawag ni Tita Holy bago ito sumulyap sa amin.

“No, Mom! Since I think you’re all decided about this… about our supposed… marriage. Might as well hear my thoughts, yeah?” He glanced at my parents before looking so brokenly at his parents… then at me.

“You… Alana. I turned you down these past few days. What’s this? I thought we were clear about you being so dreamy about me?” Pagak siyang natawa ngunit ang boses ay nababasag.

Dumiin ang hawak ni Mommy sa kamay ko. Napatingin ako sa kaniya at kay Daddy na ngayon ay kunot na ang noo habang nakatingin kay Walter.

Oh no! Alana. Look what you’ve done!

Ramdam ko ang pagkakatahimik ng mga magulang ko dahil sa bigat ng sitwasyong bumabalot sa amin. The air suddenly felt so thick and heavy that all I could hear was the sound of his heavy breathing along with his words.

“Walter…” Tito Percy warned his son.

“Holy…” Tawag ni Mommy kay Tita Holy na sumulyap sa kaniyang naiiling bago bumaling sa anak.

“Daddy, let me speak for once.” He urged his father before continuing.

“You know my truth about this… about you. And for the sake of honesty, I will say it again. I don’t like you… or any of this idea of marriage. Wala pa sa isip ko ang bumukod at magpakasal. All I want is to build my own career, my own passion, my own dream. I have respect for your family, and for you. I never once made fun of who you’ve become because what matters to me is my dream. Hindi ko pinakialaman ang pilit mong pagpapalit sa sarili mo—”

“Enough!” Putol ni Daddy sa dapat niyang sasabihin. Mabigat at madilim na rin ngayon ang tingin ni Daddy sa kaniya. Nakatayo na rin ito.

“Podrick…”

“Holy… Percy… I think we need some time to talk about this. Me and my family will take our leave now. Talk to your son. Teach him not to mock my daughter!” Dumagundong ang boses ni Daddy habang bumibigat na ang kaniyang paghinga.

“Podrick, calm down.” Si Mommy na ngayon ay unti-unting tumayo para daluhan at pakalmahin si Daddy.

Tangina! This is not what I intended to happen. But because of my selfishness to have him, naging ganito pa ang kinalabasan ng pag-uusap na ito.

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Kahit gustuhin ko ay parang may sumakal nang mariin sa aking leeg. My breathing was stuck in my throat as I could feel my eyes sting and burn from the tears that were about to fall.

“I’m sorry, Podrick. My son was not in the mood. He’s not mocking Alana.”

“Mommy! Stop!” Walter shook his head and looked at my father. 

“I apologize, Tito Podrick. But I don’t really agree to this arrangement and marriage. And I don’t think I ever will! I respect you and Tita, and I look up to both of you, but I never want to marry your daughter.”

Matunog na ngumisi si Daddy. He looked at Walter before he looked at me then to Mommy. For those fleeting moment, I saw how his eyes became so soft and vulnerable because of me. 

Mas lalong nalukot ang dibdib ko sa sakit. Sa dismaya para sa katangahan na ginawa ko hindi para lang sa sarili ko kundi para sa sitwasyon kung saan na nilagay ko ang parehong pamilya namin. 

“It’s settled then.” Si Daddy na ngayon ay hinawakan na si Mommy sa kaniyang siko.

“Holy, Percy. We’re leaving. Thank you for tonight.” Napatigil ang lahat.

Maging si Walter ay hindi agad nakapagsalita. Nanatili siyang nakatayo sa kaniyang pwesto habang mariin ang pagkakatingin sa amin. Pero wala na akong lakas para salubungin ang mga mata niya. Hindi pagkatapos ng lahat ng sinabi niya. Hindi pagkatapos kong marinig nang direkta mula sa kaniya na ayaw niya sa akin. Na ayaw niya sa kasal na ito. Na kahit kailan ay hindi niya ginusto ang maging parte ako ng buhay niya.

“Let’s go, Alana.” Napakurap ako nang marinig ang boses ni Daddy. Hindi ako agad nakagalaw.

Parang nanigas ang buong katawan ko sa kinauupuan ko habang nakatingin lamang sa mga kamay kong nanginginig sa ibabaw ng aking hita.

“Alana.” Mas mahina na ang tawag ni Mommy sa akin. Doon ko lang naramdaman ang pagpisil niya sa kamay ko.

I slowly raised my head. My eyes immediately found Walter.

Wrong move.

Kasi sa sandaling nagtama ang mga mata namin, pakiramdam ko ay mas lalo lamang bumigat ang lahat. He was staring at me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto kong makita sa mga mata niya.

Galit? Poot? Disgusto? What?

I expected all of those. But there was something else. Something I couldn’t understand. He looked… hurt.

And that was enough to make my heart ache even more. Why are you looking at me like that? Bakit parang ako pa ang nanakit sa iyo?

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat before slowly standing up. My knees felt weak. I almost stumbled, but Mommy immediately held my arm.

“Careful, baby,” bulong niya. I forced myself to smile at her.

“I’m okay, Mom.” But I wasn’t. I was far from okay.

“I’m sorry about what happened, Holy.” Si Mommy iyon. Napalipat ang tingin ko kay Tita Holy na ngayon ay nakatingin lamang sa kaniyang anak. Halata sa mukha niya ang sakit at pagkadismaya.

“Huwag mong sabihin iyan, Janine. Walter just…” She paused as she looked at him. “He just needs some time.” 

Time. Time, huh? I laughed bitterly inside my head. 

Ilang taon na akong naghihintay. Ilang taon na akong nagbibigay ng oras kay Walter para makita ako. Para makilala ako. Para maramdaman niya kahit kaunti ang nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya. But what did time give me?

Nothing. It only made me realize how deeply I had fallen for someone who would probably never catch me.

“Tito.” Napatingin kaming lahat kay Walter. He took a deep breath before looking at his parents.

“I’m sorry.” Tahimik ang buong silid.

“I’m sorry for what I said.” Naramdaman kong napatingin si Daddy sa kaniya ngunit hindi pa rin nito binitawan ang siko ni Mommy. Ramdam ko ang pangyanig ng buong dibdib ko dahil sa lakas ng pagtibok ng puso ko. Para na akong nahihilo dahil sa mga nanyayari pero mas namumutawi pa rin ang sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil sa katangahan kong desisyon.

“But I meant every word of it.” And there it was again. That sharp pain. Para bang may matalim na bagay na paulit-ulit na tumutusok sa aking dibdib. Hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses ko pang kailangang marinig iyon mula sa kaniya.

I don’t want you. I don’t want this. I don’t want to marry you. 

Ang simple-simple ng mga salitang iyon. Pero kapag siya ang nagsabi, parang sapat na ang mga iyon para durugin ang buong pagkatao ko.

“Enough, Walter.” Malamig na sabi ni Tito Percy.

“Your apology means nothing if you’re going to keep adding more words that would hurt them.”

Walter clenched his jaw. “I just don’t want to lie.”

“Then you should have learned how to speak the truth without humiliating someone.” Napatingin ako kay Daddy. Hindi ko alam kung kailan siya bumaling sa akin, pero ngayon ay nakatitig na siya sa mukha ko.

And I immediately knew what he was thinking. He knew.

Daddy knew that I was hurting. He knew how much I loved Walter. And maybe… Maybe that was the reason why he was angrier than anyone else. Not because Walter rejected the marriage. But because Walter made me feel small in front of everyone.

“Alana, let’s go.” Mas mahina ngunit mas mariin ang boses ni Daddy ngayon.

I nodded.

“O-Okay po.” I stood up without glancing at them. I stayed my eyes at my hands, bowed and feel so little. This is my fault. This is all because of my stupidity! 

I didn’t say goodbye. Hindi ko kayang tumingin kay Walter at magpanggap na walang nangyari. Hindi ko kayang ngumiti sa kaniyang mga magulang na para bang hindi ko narinig ang lahat. At higit sa lahat… Hindi ko kayang manatili pa sa lugar na ito habang unti-unti akong nadudurog sa harap ng lahat.

I started walking like a lifeless bag ready to be thrown into the dumpsite. I feel shit. I feel so nonesense. Pakiramdam ko wala na akong mukhang maihaharap pa sa kaniya matapos ang gabi na ito. Sino ba naman kasi ang maglalakas ng loob na humarap sa kaniya matapos niya akong tanggihan ng ilang ulit. Matapos niyang paulit ulit na ipaintindi sa akin na ayaw niya sa akin. 

Wala naman, at naiintidihan ko na.  Ako itong makulit at pilit ng pilit eh.Ako lang itong parang asong habol nang habol  sa kaniya. At ngayon gumawa pa ng katangahan na mas lalong magpapa-ayaw sa kaniya sa akin. 

Pero bago pa kami tuluyang makalabas sa dining hall ay narinig ko ang pagtawag niya sa akin.

“Alana.” Napahinto ako.

Fuck. Bakit? Why did you have to call my name? Parang pumalakpak ang tainga ko sa narinig. It was the very first time he called me by my chosen name. At kahit taliwas iyon sa nararamdaman kong sakit ay parang biglang lumutang ako sa himpapawid. Fucking simp! Stop!

I slowly closed my eyes. For one second, I wanted to pretend that I didn’t hear him. I wanted to keep walking. I wanted to leave and never look back.

Pero hindi ko magawa. Tangina! Kahit gaano pa kasakit. Kahit ilang beses pa niya akong itulak palayo. A part of me would always stop whenever he called my name.

I turned around. Walter was standing exactly where I left him. Sttill tall. Still handsome. Still the same man I fell in love with years ago. But this time…

I couldn’t recognize him. Or maybe I was finally seeing him for who he really was.

“A-Ano?” Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang lakas ng loob ko para sabihin iyon.

His eyebrows slightly furrowed. Parang siya pa ang nagulat sa paraan ng pagsagot ko.

“Ano pa ang gusto mong sabihin?” Dugtong ko. I pinched my finger so that I could feel that I have something to get my strength from.

“Alana…” He trailed off but I cut him off. 

“Don’t.” I slowly shook my head and smiled at him, painfully. 

I”ll stop now, Walter. Thank you. and… I’m sorry.  And that was the moment I knew that I was losing the battle against my tears.

“P-Please… Pelease, don’t say anything anymore.” 

Walter stared at me. His lips parted slightly, but no words came out.

I laughed bitterly. A broken one.

“Enough na, Walter.” I shook my head as I felt my vision becoming blurry.

“You already made yourself clear… and… and I finally understand it. Thank you.” 

“That’s not…” He licked his lip as he glanced at my parents.

“What? That’s not what you meant?” Naramdaman kong mabilis na napatingin ang lahat sa akin.

But I didn’t care anymore. For the first time in years… I was tired. I felt it. Finally. 

That… I’m… Tired of chasing him. Tired of making excuses for him. Tired of convincing myself that one day, he would finally look at me differently.

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” My tears finally fell, but I quickly wiped them off.

He didn’t speak. Nanatili lang siyang nakatayo, kuyom ang kamao habang may kakaibang emosyon ang mga matang nakatingin sa kaniya. From that moment, I feel like he was letting me say the things that he wanted to hear from me long before this shit happen because of me. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

Walter’s expression changed.

“I’m sorry for putting you in this situation.” My voice trembled. Kinurot ko ulit ang aking daliri para sa kakaunting lakas pa. Kaunti nalang. Kayanin mo na. 

“I’m sorry for making you feel like you have to marry someone you don’t want.”

“Alana…”

“I’m sorry for loving you.”

That made me feel that we were alone in this huge hall. I feel like I was the only one who will face this humiliation, and my parents didn’t see how I was getting rejected by the man I like… No! I love for years. In front of his parents… And Mine. 

God. I didn’t even know if it was possible to hurt this much.

“But I won’t apologize for who I am.” My chest rose and fell heavily. “You can hate this arrangement. You can hate the idea of marrying me. You can hate the thought of having me in your life.” I stared directly into his eyes. “But don’t ever make me feel like being me is something I should be ashamed of.”

That made Walter’s eyes widened. And for the first time that night… He looked completely speechless. Fuck! It hurts! It hurts.

I swallowed. “Because I already spent years trying to accept myself.” My voice became quieter. “And I won’t let someone else make me hate myself again.”

“Alana…”

I shook my head.

“No.” I stepped back.

“You already had your turn to speak.” I looked at him one last time.

“Now let me have mine.” My heart was screaming. Run back to him. Take it back. Apologize. Tell him you didn’t mean it. But my feet didn’t move toward him. It felt like my whole body finally decides for me… not my heart… but my body. Na para bang alam nito na ito na ang dapat na pagkakataon para itigil ang lahat ng ito. It felt like it knew that after all those years of chasing the man that will never love me back was enough humiliation. For me, and for my gender identity. 

To my existence, and also to my parents.

Instead of walking back to him, taking back all the words… I turned around. And this time, I didn’t stop. I walked out of the Hidalgo mansion with my parents beside me. Leaving Walter behind.

COVEEEEN