About The Story

When Franco moved to Manila for college, he told himself that he’ll experience everything there is to experience. And he did. His first year could be considered as… scandalous, to say the least. So when his sophomore year came, he promised himself that he’ll do better para na rin sa future niya. He intended to join this prestigious organization that would surely help his career in the future.

When Franco joined AIESEC, he knew his life would change… little did he know, magbabago talaga ang buhay niya nang makilala niya si Joaquin Lorenzo Santillan—the perfect student who’s beloved by everyone.

Franco was in awe. Every where Joaquin goes, his presence commanded respect. His presence was magnetic, his smile effortless, his charm undeniable. And he was nice—so nice that Franco unknowingly followed him around, like he was orbiting around Joaquin’s magnetic presence, eager for him to be noticed.

Akala ni Franco ay okay ang lahat. Naka-pasok na siya sa org. Mukhang magiging kaibigan niya na si Joaquin.

But one night, few beers after, his world seemingly collapsed when Joaquin stared him in the eye and said, “In case there’s any confusion, let me make it clear—I’m not gay.”

Franco’s world tilted on its axis, crumbling in an instant. Now, his mission was simple: survival. Avoid Joaquin at all costs. Erase the memory of that moment, of those eyes, of the touch that seemed to linger impossibly on his skin.

Little did he know, some marks aren’t so easily erased.

–

Hi! This will be a BL or Boy’s Love. I really enjoyed writing ATG haha I thought that was it but here am I haha if this is not your cup of tea, that’s totally fine. I have lots of stories you can read. But if you will read this, yay thank you!! 

I hope you’ll have fun! This will be romance but also angsty (?) just how I normally like it haha. Wala muna law world. Nasusuka na ako sa mga abogado dahil iyon na ang buhay ko in real life. Let me escape for a while hahaha (but I will finish GO don’t worry)

Thanks so much!!! xx

Beginning

“Franco!”

Agad na hinanap ko iyong pinanggalingan ng boses. Kanina pa ako dito sa venue. It was nerve-wracking to say the least!

“Late ka!” sabi ko kay James nang maka-lapit siya sa akin.

Tumatawa siya. “Sorry na,” sagot niya. “Absent ka kasi kagabi.”

“Tapos na nga ako don.”

“Sus…” he said. “Pero ang mahalaga, nandito na ako.”

“Tsk. Kanina pa kaya ako dito. Para akong napapalibutan ng mga rich kids.”

“Anong parang? Napapalibutan talaga tayo,” he said as we looked around us.

It was the recruitment week for AIESEC. Kailangan kong makapasok dito. Ito ang susi sa magandang future ko… kung anuman ’yon. Hindi pa ako totally decided kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko—ang sigurado ko lang ay gusto ko na dito ako sa Manila. Wala na akong balak bumalik sa probinsya. Basta, dito lang ako.

“Wala naman sigurong discrimination dito, noh?” bulong ko sa kanya.

Okay naman kami… Akala ko nga mayaman kami nung nasa probinsya pa kami. Pero nung maka-pasok ako sa eskwelahan na ’to, doon ko na-realize na isa akong hamak na middle class kumpara sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Okay lang naman. Hindi naman ako inggitero. As long as hindi ako nagugutom, okay na ’yon.

James shrugged. “Wala siguro. O baka gusto nilang magviral sa social media. Subukan nilang umattitude,” sabi niya na napailing na lang ako. Lagi niyang hawak iyong cellphone niya para daw kung may ‘viral worthy’ moment ay makuhanan niya agad ng video. Kaya nakaka-hiyang gumawa ng katangahan sa paligid niya, e. Siguradong may ebidensya.

Dahil ayokong maiwan mag-isa, magkasama kami ni James na nag-ikot para i-check iyong mga booths dito. Nakaka-information overload. Ganito ba ang pakiramdam ng adulting? Parang hindi pa ako ready.

“Pero seryoso? Hindi ka na nga sasama sa ’min?” he asked.

“Sasama naman pero ’di na gaya ng dati,” I told him.

Nung unang dating ko dito sa Manila, para akong ibon na naka-wala sa hawla. Buong buhay ko, nasa probinsya ako. Bantay-sarado lahat ng galaw ko. Hindi magawa iyong gusto ko talaga. Buong akala ng magulang ko, doon ako sa private university sa amin mag-aaral. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanila na nagtake ako ng entrance exam dito sa SCA. Hindi rin kasi ako humingi ng pambayad sa kanila. Inipon ko nang mabuti iyong baon ko at iyon iyong pinangbayad ko. Umabsent pa ako sa school ay bumyahe dito sa Manila para lang makapag-exam. Hindi rin ako kumuha ng entrance exam sa kahit anong school sa probinsya namin. Sinabi ko sa kanila nung sarado na lahat ng application. Sinabi ko sa kanila na either sa SCA ako magccollege o magiging tambay ako ng isang sem… their choice.

Dahil hindi ata kaya ng pride nila na ang nag-iisang anak nila ang wala sa college (dahil pagchichismisan sila ng mga kaibigan nila), pinayagan nila ako na sa Maynila mag-aral. They wanted to pay for college. I told them na hindi na kailangan kasi naka-kuha ako ng scholarship. Doon nila na-realize na seryoso ako na gusto kong sa Maynila ako mag-aral.

My first year in Manila was… wild.

Kapag iniisip ko ngayon lahat ng pinaggagawa ko last year, nagugulat ako na buhay pa ako.

“Kung sasali tayo ngayon, kailan natin malalaman—”

Agad na napa-hinto ako nang mapadako iyong mga mata ko sa lalaki na naglalakad papasok ng venue. He was wearing white polo shirt that’s tucked in his straight cut light brown chino, and white pair of sneakers.

Wow.

“Bibig mo,” natatawa na sabi ni James sa akin.

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. “Sino ’yon?”

“Joaquin,” he said.

“Joaquin?”

“Full name gusto mo?” inaasar na tanong niya. Sinamaan ko siya ulit ng tingin. Tinawanan niya ako. “Joaquin Antonio Santillan—model student ng SCA. Seriously. Hindi mo siya kilala?” sabi niya habang hindi iniiwanan ng mga mata ko iyong bawat paggalaw niya.

He moves around like he owns the place. Lahat ng taong madadaanan niya ay kinakausap siya—like they all wanted his attention—a piece of him… and honestly? Could I blame them? There’s something about him that just makes you look at him. Like he commands every attention in any room that he’s in.

“Franco,” pagtawag ni James sa akin.

“Hmm?” sabi ko habang pinapanood pa rin iyong bawat galaw ni Joaquin. He stopped in front of a group of people. He looked like he belonged there. They were all talking like they knew each other all their lives. Siguro. Usually naman sa mga tao na ’to, magkakakilala na since birth. Totoo kaya iyong sinabi nila na maliit lang ang mundo ng mayayaman kasi sila-sila lang din talaga ang nag-uusap. A very exclusive club, if you will.

“Ano’ng unang rule ng pagiging bakla?”

“Ha? May handbook ba ’yon?”

“Tsk. ’Wag magka-gusto sa straight,” sabi niya. “Seriously. Okay lang tumingin kay Joaquin kasi gwapo naman talaga pero… hanggang tingin lang, okay?”

Agad na tumingin ako kay James. “Grabe. Naka-tingin lang?”

He scoffed. “Iyong tingin mo, e…”

“Gwapo kasi.”

“Gwapo nga kaso straight.”

“Hirap mo ka-bonding.”

Tumawa siya. “Concerned citizen lang. Mamaya magka-gusto ka talaga, e.”

“Ewan ko sa ’yo.”

Kaysa bwisitin ako ni James, nag-ikot na lang kami dito. Kumuha kami ng maraming flyers and brochures. Mukhang maganda nga talaga dito kasi bukod sa maganda sa resume iyong AIESEC, maganda rin iyong connection na makukuha ko dito. At kailangan ko iyon dahil wala na akong balak umuwi sa probinsya. Kaya tama na iyong pagiging pariwara ko nung first year—time na para magseryoso.

“Laway mo,” tatawa-tawang sabi niya nung nasa stage na si Joaquin para magbigay ng speech. Apparently, he’s the VP for Marketing and Communications. Wow… so, hindi lang siya gwapo, matalino and productive din siyang tao?

“Tangina mo,” mahinang sabi ko sa kanya dahil nakaka-hiya.

I tried to ignore James’ teasing at nagfocus ako sa sinasabi ni Joaquin. He was… wow. He talked with so much confidence na kahit ata magsinungaling siya sa harapan ko ay maniniwala pa rin ako sa kanya. Iba siya kumpara sa mga naunang nagsalita. There’s just something about him that’s so captivating. O baka dahil sa accent niya? Marunong din naman ako mag-English, pero iba siguro talaga kapag American accent? O accent na alam mong since childhood e English na ang salita?

“To end this speech,” he said as he flashed that million dollar smile. “I hope you give AIESEC a chance. If you have any questions, I’ll be around,” he added as he ended his speech.

“Nakaka-hiya ka,” bulong ni James sa akin nang ako iyong nag-iisang pumalakpak nang tapusin ni Joaquin iyong speech niya.

Tangina! Napa-tingin sa akin lahat dahil ako nga lang iyong pumalakpak. Gusto ko nang lumubog sa lupa! Ramdam na ramdam ko iyong pamumula ng buong mukha ko—baka hindi lang mukha ko kundi buong katawan ko. Shit na ’yan! Putangina! Nakaka-hiya!

Dahil sa sobrang kahihiyan ko, umalis muna ako at saka pumunta sa CR tapos ay lumabas. Naka-tayo ako sa may likuran nung auditorium. Nilabas ko iyong vape ko na mga one hundred times ko na atang sinabi na titigilan ko kasi masama para sa baga ko. Pero warranted naman ata ngayon!

Ramdam ko iyong pagvibrate ng cellphone ko. Hinahanap na siguro ako ni James. Babalik naman ako. Kailangan ko lang ng ilang minuto para makalma ko iyong sarili ko. Hindi naman siguro nila maaalala iyong kahihiyan ko, noh?

Sinandal ko iyong ulo ko sa pader sa likuran ko. I closed my eyes as I let out a puff of watermelon flavored air.

“Hindi naman siguro iyon ang first impression ko sa lahat…”

“That you’re my number one fan?”

Agad na napa-dilat iyong mga mata ko nang marinig ko iyong pamilyar na boses. Isang beses ko pa lang naririnig, pero para bang trained na iyong tenga ko sa boses niya. I looked to my right and… fuck. Tangina. Ilang kahihiyan ba ang quota ko ngayong araw?!

“Shit,” sabi ko at saka nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Fuck—” Kinagat ko iyong dila ko at pilit na huminga nang malalim. “Sorry.”

He placed his hands inside his pockets. Why was he so… cool?

At bakit siya nandito? Lahat ng tao sa loob ay gustong maka-usap siya kaya bakit siya nandito?

“It’s fine,” he said with that familiar smile that he flashed earlier today. Did he practice doing that?

Humigpit iyong paghawak ko sa vape ko. May nilabas siyang isang kaha ng sigarilyo. Menthol. Makes sense. For some reason.

“You want?” he asked.

I didn’t really smoke cigarette. Vape lang ako—at dahil lang ’to na-peer pressure ako dati sa club hanggang sa premium air na ang hinahanap ng baga ko. I really needed to stop. Mahina pa naman ang pampigil ko. Mabilis pa naman akong ma-impluwensyahan. Hindi ko kailangang idagdag ang pagiging chain smoker sa resume ko.

But for some reason, as Joaquin offered me his cigarette—me, Franco Gabriel Alvarez—sino ba naman ako para tumanggi?!

So, we stood there, smoking his menthol cigarette.

“You’ll join?” he asked. His voice was as nice as his face. He also smelled nice. And I knew he’s tall, but standing next to him, I realized that he’s probably around 6’1—just a few centimetres taller than me. He just looked tall… probably due to the confidence that he carried himself with.

“Ah… oo. Sana matanggap,” sagot ko.

“What’s your degree?” he asked.

“AB Communication,” sagot ko. “Uh… ikaw?”

“Business Administration.”

Of course.

Isa ata ’to sa mga tigapagmana sa school na ’to.

“What?” he asked, his head tilted to one side na naging dahilan para makita ko iyong jawline niya. Wow… lahat ba sa kanya nakaka-amaze?

“Ha?” tanong ko na hindi mapakali dahil naka-tingin siya sa mga mata ko.

“You had that look. When I said that I’m taking up Business Administration.”

My eyes widened in panic. “Ha? Wala naman.”

“Hmm,” he said as he gently nodded his head as he took another drag of cigarette.

Fuck. Na-offend ko ba siya? Nakaka-offend ba ’yon? E iyon naman talaga usual na degree ng mga rich kid kasi syempre sila magmamana ng business nila?

“Sorry,” mabilis na sabi ko.

“For what?” he asked.

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. Kapag sinabi ko na dahil sa reaction ko, e ’di parang inamin ko na nga na may negative reaction ako sa pagiging Business Ad student niya? Kapag naman nagsorry lang ako in general, e ’di mukhang tanga din ’yon?

“Uh… basta,” sabi ko.

“Hmm,” he hummed.

“Do you say sorry just because?” he asked.

“Ah… hindi naman,” sagot ko. “Minsan. Para less hassle.”

“Even if you’re not at fault?”

“Depende. Minsan kasi para matapos na lang iyong usapan.”

“So, you’re a people pleaser.”

“Grabe naman.”

“Isn’t that it?” sabi niya habang nasa pagitan ng mahahabang daliri niya iyong sigarilyo na halos wala pa sa kalahati. Ibig sabihin ba matagal pa kami dito? Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako pero… wow, nakaka-intimidate siya kahit nag-uusap lang naman kami at wala talagang nangyayari.

“Probably. I just don’t like hassle. Kung hindi naman malaking bagay, I’d rather apologize para matapos na.”

“I see.”

Then he said nothing. We stood there in silence—with more like me in awkward silence habang sinasabayan at hinihintay na matapos siya sa sigarilyo niya.

“It was nice to meet you—” he paused like he was waiting for me to say my name.

“Franco,” I said.

“Nice to meet you, Franco,” he replied with that smile of his that, for some reason, felt rehearsed. “See you around.”

He began to walk away. I was left to watch him as he walked away.

Pag-uwi ko sa condo, agad kong inayos iyong application ko para sa AIESEC. Sabi ni James, ayaw niya na raw tumuloy dahil parang hindi siya para sa org na ’yon. He was surprised nung sinabi ko na tutuloy ako sa application. He asked kung dahil ba ’yon kay Joaquin. I quickly denied. Hindi naman dahil don! Maganda naman talaga sa resume iyong AIESEC. Saka sinabi ko sa sarili ko na seseryosohin ko na ’tong sophomore year ko. Ang bilis lang kaya ng panahon. Magugulat ako biglang fourth year na ako tapos kailangan ko ng magtrabaho. Kaya kailangan ko ’tong ayusin para sa future ko dito sa Manila.

“Ano ’yan, major mo?” tukso sa akin nila James nang aalis ulit ako.

Nasa recruitment period ako for AIESEC kaya madalas may pinapagawa sa akin. Okay lang naman. Medyo hassle, pero gets ko naman. Hindi naman sobrang unreasonable ng mga utos nila. More like nakaka-pikon lang kasi parang… seryoso ba? Ako pa gagawa nito? Pero ayokong magreklamo.

“Hi,” sabi ko nung inabot ko iyong iced macchiato na pinabili sa akin nung isang member.

“Thanks,” sabi niya na hindi man lang ako tinignan.

Bigla akong napa-tingin kay Joaquin nang mapansin ko na naka-tingin siya sa amin.

“You asked him to buy you your coffee?” he asked. His tone was casual but… there was something to it.

“Yeah. I have class, e,” sagot nung babae.

“He has classes, too,” sabi ni Joaquin na naka-ngiti.

Kita ko sa reaction nung babae na alam niya na na hindi natuwa si Joaquin sa nangyari. But she just bit her lip and gave me a subtle eye-roll.

“Whatever,” she said as she walked away with her iced coffee.

“Thanks,” sabi ko kay Joaquin.

He gave me a small nod. “You know that’s not allowed, right?”

“Alin?”

“To ask recruits to buy coffee,” he said. “You’re not our personal assistant,” he reminded me like he was reminded of my ‘people pleasing’ tendencies.

“Ah… okay,” sabi ko na lang, fully knowing na kapag may nagpabili ulit ng kape sa akin, papayag naman ako as long as bibigyan nila ako ng pambili.

“If they ask you to do something, tell them I already gave you a task.”

“Kapag nagtanong sila?”

“They won’t,” he simply said like he knew no one would question him.

And he’s probably right—I knew I wouldn’t.

For the whole two weeks, I’d tell everyone who’d try to get me to do something na mayroon nang pinagawa sa akin si Joaquin. It was almost like my name was already associated with Joaquin’s… and I didn’t know what exactly to make of that.

Finally, the recruitment period ended.

I was finally accepted into AIESEC.

There was a welcome party for the new members. It was a house party. Ito ang unang house party na aattend-an ko. Nung tinanong ko si James kung ano ang ganap sa house party, sinabihan niya lang ako na usually kaya house party kasi para mas private at mas safe. What happens in the party stays in the party kumbaga… which makes sense considering kung sino iyong mga aattend. Tinanong ko rin si James kung may dresscode ba. He said na unless constume party ang pupuntahan ko, just dress as usual. Ano ba iyong usual? Bakit ko ba inooverthink ’to?

I wore my dark blue shortsleeved polo and faded jeans. I also made sure na mukha akong presentable at saka mabango. Nag-grab ako papunta doon. Ang exclusive pala nito kasi may listahan pa na chineck bago kami pinapasok. Doon kami huminto sa bahay sa dulo ng subdivision. It was like it was on its own block. Kaunting sasakyan lang ang naka-parada doon. Kung sabagay, may mga driver naman iyong karamihan ng tao sa school. Baka susunduin na lang sila mamaya. Must be nice. Ako e kailangan pang magpromise dati sa Grab na hindi ako susuka kapag nagbook ako galing inuman.

Pagpasok ko sa loob, hindi ko alam kung bakit agad na hinanap ng mga mata ko si Joaquin. Siguro kasi sa buong recruitment process, siya lang iyong mabait sa akin? I mean, hindi naman masama ugali nung iba pero… alam mo ’yon? Ramdam mo na may pader?

Sabi nga ni James, org ng rich kids iyong AIESEC. Bakit nga ba ulit nandon ako?

The whole place was not that packed—probably also because malaki iyong bahay? Kaninong bahay nga pala ’to? Grabe naman kung pumayag iyong magulang nila na may party dito.

I wanted to ask around kung nasaan si Joaquin pero… nevermind.

I walked around. I saw a lot of things. Mabuti nga na houseparty na lang ’to… Hindi naman siguro kami mare-raid dito?

“Joaqu—” sabi at napa-hinto ako nung finally ay makita ko na siya. As usual, he was surrounded by people who’d hang on to every sentence he’d say. Only this time, dalawang babae iyong kausap niya. It didn’t escape my eyes how one of the girls would subtly touch his arm. Joaquin was sporting his usual smile. Hawak niya sa isang kamay niya iyong beer. He was wearing a white shortsleeved button down na bukas iyong unang tatlong butones. I saw a peek of his chest. He looked like he works out—

Fuck, seriously?

Tumigil ka nga, Franco!

I had half a mind to pivot. Maka-kuha na lang ng sarili kong beer. Pero bago pa man ako makaalis, nagtama iyong mga mata namin ni Joaquin. He saw me and said something to the girls and before I knew it, he was walking towards me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I replied. Why was I so awkward?

“Did you just arrive?” Tumango ako. “Welcome to the org.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

Tangina, bakit ang awkward ko?!

Joaquin was nice enough to introduce me to some people na sigurado akong nakausap ko na dati pero hindi nila ako naalala dahil… sino nga ba naman ako? Joaquin also got me my own bottle of beer. It helped. A little. To soothe my nerves.

We played beer pong—Joaquin teamed up with me. We won (mainly all because of him). I couldn’t help but look at him as he expertly threw all those balls straight into the cups. He never missed. And when he caught me looking, instead of asking me why I was staring, he gave me a wink.

Ramdam ko iyong pag-iinit ng tenga ko kaya naman mabilis kong tinungga iyong beer na para bang bibigyan ako noon ng explanation kapag may nagtanong kung bakit namumula iyong buong mukha ko. Kasi ano naman sasabihin ko? Dahil kinindatan ako ni Joaquin?

As the night turned into morning, as people left and only a few stayed, for some reason, we ended up playing truth or dare. Very high school… pero ano ba’ng malay ko? ’Di naman ako naglaro ng ganito nung high school ako. Swerte na ako kapag naka-bili ako ng meryenda after school kasi madalas, diretso bahay talaga ako.

“Oh, our newbie!” sabi ng isang babae na hindi ko pa rin alam ang pangalan. It was overwhelming! Bukas ko na sila kikilalanin kapag wala ng beer sa sistema ko. “Truth or dare?”

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. Gusto kong magtruth at magsinungaling na lang kaso… what if isipin nila na boring ako? O kaya naman wild pala ako kapag naging honest ako? Kapag dare naman… tangina, ang wild ng dares nila! Wala akong balak makipagmomol sa mga tao dito! Buti sana kung ’di ko na sila makikita after nito, e. Kaso hindi. Makikita ko sila ulit sa school. So, never mind.

“Uh… truth,” I said.

She giggled like I answered exactly as she wanted. “Do you have a crush on our Joaquin here? He’s so gorgeous, right?” she asked in a drunken manner.

I felt my whole body panic. I tried to reach for the glass full of whiskey dahil kapag hindi mo sinagot iyong tanong, iinumin mo iyon. I probably should’ve just denied it outright—gaano ba kahirap sabihin na wala akong crush kay Joaquin? But it was perhaps the mixture of alcohol… and whatever it was the I was feeling as I felt Joaquin watching my every movement.

I reached for the glass but as I was doing so, natabig ko iyong beer sa tabi ko kaya naman natapon iyon sa may pantalon ni Joaquin. I panicked. Once again. I didn’t know what I was thinking. There were no tissue paper around. So I did what was the logical thing to do—at least in my drunken state of mind, that is—I wiped his pants with my hand.

“Oh, naughty Franco! Did you just grope Joaquin?”

Tangina?!

I paused in panic as I felt Joaquin holding me by my wrist.

“It’s fine,” he said with a smile but… somehow, it made me panic even more.

I kept on telling myself that they’re all drunk and they wouldn’t remember this. I watched them drink a lot. Sigurado hindi nila maaalala ’to bukas. Sana. Fuck!

After I tried to clean the mess I made, hinanap ko si Joaquin. Nakita ko siya sa CR sa may second floor. I tried to knock, but the door was not totally closed, so it opened on its own on my first knock.

“Joaquin—” I said.

He looked at me through the mirror in front of him. There was no smile on his face. He was just looking at me directly.

“In case there’s any confusion, let me make it clear,” he said as he turned off the faucet. “I’m not gay,” he continued. They were only three words, but it felt as though the faux rejection burned through me, consuming my dignity piece by piece. 

**

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Chapter 1

“So, kamusta ’yung party?” excited na tanong ni James sa akin. Mabuti na lang at dala ko iyong laptop ko kaya may excuse ako na busy ako at hindi ko masagot iyong tanong nila. Ano naman kasi sasabihin ko? Na ni-realtalk ako ni Joaquin sa CR? Kapag iniisip ko ’yon, nanlalamig iyong buong pagkatao ko… Like fuck. Did he feel that uncomfortable around me na kinailangan niyang sabihin ’yon sa akin? Dahil sa sinabi niya, I had to rethink everything—every single interaction I had with him was put under the microscope.

May nagawa ba ako?

May nasabi ba ako?

Sure, I did clap like an idiot nung unang beses ko siyang nakita… pero pagkatapos non, meron pa ba? Nagpapasalamat lang naman ako kapag may ginagawa siyang mabuti para sa akin… Iyon ba ’yon? O iyong tanong nung truth or dare? Hindi naman ako sumagot! Kasalanan ko ba kung sinabi ’yon ng ibang orgmates namin? Saka hindi ko naman sadya iyong natapon iyong beer sa kanya! Nagpanic lang ako. Admittedly, I shouldn’t have done that pero—

Ugh.

Fuck.

Pwede bang magwithdraw ng membership?!

“May nangyari ba?” James asked again. Hindi pa rin ako sumagot. Tumingin siya kay Andrew. “May kakilala ka sa AIESEC, ’di ba? Ask mo naman—”

I glared at him. He smirked at me. I flipped my middle finger at him.

I looked around first. Nang masigurado ko na na walang nakikinig o makakarinig sa sasabihin ko, at saka lang ako nagsalita… in codes. Pakiramdam ko talaga e tatalon na ako sa building kapag narinig ni Joaquin o may naka-rating sa kanya na balita na pinag-uusapan namin siya ng mga kaibigan ko.

James and Andrew (who was usually uninterested sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko) were listening intently habang sinasabi ko sa kanila iyong mga nangyari the past few weeks. I told them every agonizing details and I felt like I died once again nang sabihin ko iyong nangyari sa mismong party. I shuddered when I recalled how Joaquin looked at me through the mirror… the change of the expression on his face as he told me that I must’ve misunderstood things.

Tangina talaga, bakit hindi na lang ako nilamon ng lupa nung oras na ’yon?!

“Yikes,” sabi ni James.

“Thanks, ha.”

Tumawa si James. “Bakit mo naman kasi inassault?”

“Assault?!” medyo napataas iyong boses ko kaya napa-tingin iyong iba sa amin. Natawa si Andrew sa akin. Sinamaan ko sila ng tingin dalawa. “Assault?” mas mahina pero naiinis pa rin na sabi ko. “Akala mo naman pinlano ko! E walang tissue o kung anuman na pamunas!”

“E,” James said, waving his hand. “So… malaki ba?”

I flipped him my middle finger again. Tumawa ulit siya.

“Tsk. Wala ka talagang ambag sa buhay ko.”

Tumawa lang siya ulit. “Ang ambag lang na alam ko ay kapag nag-iinuman tayo,” sabi niya. “Speaking of which, hindi ka na talaga sasama sa amin?”

I shrugged. Naging ka-close ko lang kasi sila nung nagkita kami sa isang club. Nakita nila ako at naawa ata sila sa akin. That was my first Friday in Manila. I told myself na kailangan kong pumarty. Kahit hiyang-hiya ako, pumunta ako sa kilalang gay bar kasi… bakit hindi? I didn’t know it was such an intimidating place. Nakita ako ni James. Naawa siya sa akin kaya sinama niya ako sa table nila. Nalaman namin na sa iisang school kami lahat. The rest is history.

“Ugh. Shit,” I muttered nang maka-receive ako ng email notification.

“Bakit?”

“Org meeting,” I said. Mabilis kong sinara iyong laptop ko na para bang maca-cancel iyong meeting kapag ginawa ko iyon. Niyukyok ko iyong mukha ko sa ibabaw ng laptop ko. “Pwede bang magwithdraw ng membership?”

“Sayang naman pinaghirapan mo sa recruitment,” James said. “Two weeks din na inutusan kang bumili ng kape.”

“Di naman big deal ’yon,” I replied.

“Just avoid him,” biglang sabi ni Andrew. “Marami namang members sa org. ’Di mo na ’yon makikita ulit.”

Tumango si Andre. “Okay—”

Fuck.

It was like the universe was taunting me dahil kakasabi ko pa lang na iiwasan ko na si Joaquin, bigla ko naman siyang nakita. As usual, he was walking with a group of people. Even from afar, you’d know that he’s the center of that group. That they’re all just together because they wanted a piece of his attention. I should know. I’ve been there.

Para bang naramdaman ni Joaquin na iniisip ko siya dahil napa-tingin siya sa gawi ko. Mabilis na iniyuko ko iyong ulo ko. James looked around and saw what I saw. I heard him snorting.

“See? I told you. Umiwas sa straight. Sumpa sila.”

“Pwedeng manahimik ka kahit isang minuto lang?”

“Never,” sabi ni James. “But seriously, tama naman si Andrew. Sa dalawang linggo na inistalk mo si Joaquin—”

“Hindi ko siya—” I said, looking at James, at mabilis na naman akong napa-yuko nang magtama iyong tingin namin ni Joaquin. Fuck. Great. Now, alam niya na na iniiwasan ko siya! But then again, magugulat pa ba siya? Pagkatapos nung sinabi niya sa akin sa CR? Ano ako? Masokista? Lalapitan pa rin siya pagkatapos kong marinig lahat ’yon?

“Tomatoe, tomato,” James said. “Point is, alam mo naman schedule niya, ’di ba? So, mas madali mo siyang maiiwasan. Besides, ikaw na rin nagsabi na maganda sa resume ’yang AIESEC. Tyagain mo na lang.”

---

Buong linggo kong inisip iyong sinabi nila James… Tama naman sila. Maganda talaga iyong AIESEC sa resume. Saka totoo rin na maraming members iyong org. And hindi naman ako araw-araw na nandoon. Kailangan ko lang magfocus sa totoong goal ko—ang dito sa Manila tumira. At para ma-achieve ko iyon, kailangan ko ng magandang trabaho. Ang mahal-mahal dito sa Maynila! Ayoko naman na maging paycheck to paycheck pagka-graduate ko. May balak din naman akong magtravel at bumili ng kung anu-ano.

Tama.

Focus lang sa goal, Franco.

With that in mind, I carefully plotted my day. Mabuti na lang talaga at nasa magkaibang degree kami ni Joaquin… kaso sayang at hindi kami nasa magkabilang dulo ng campus. Isang building lang iyong pagitan ng buildings namin pero pwede na rin. At least malaya akong makakapaglakad sa building ko. Kailangan ko lang siyang iwasan sa cafeteria. Bakit kasi share ng cafeteria iyong buildings namin? At saka mayaman naman siya! Bakit hindi na lang siya sa mga restaurant sa labas ng school kumain? Tsk. Pinapahirapan pa niya buhay ko.

“Okay. Meeting lang naman ’to. Sandali lang ’to,” I repeatedly told myself habang naka-tingin ako sa salamin.

Kanina pang 3PM natapos iyong klase ko. Nasa condo na ako kaya lang ay may org meeting ng 7PM. Imbes na makapagfocus ako kanina sa paggawa ng papers ko, I was dreading this meeting. Akala mo e bibitayin ako sa sobrang stress ko.

“Para sa future,” I told myself.

Mahigpit iyong pagkaka-hawak ko sa backpack ko habang naglalakad ako papunta sa venue nung meeting. Nandito iyong laptop kasi… ewan ko rin. Parang parte na ’to ng pagkatao ko bilang AB Communication student. Saka baka kailanganin sa meeting. Pero hindi naman ako secretary—mabuti na lang! Imagine kung secretary ako? E ’di lagi kong makikita si Joaquin kasi Vice-President siya.

Nang malapit na ako sa venue, agad akong napa-hinto at napa-atras at napa-tago nang makita ko si Joaquin na naglalakad. He was alone, for a change. Wala iyong ngiti sa mukha niya. Come to think of it, kapag hindi siya naka-ngiti, he could be… scary. It reminded me of that day.

No.

Ayoko ng isipin iyon dahil nagccringe ako sa sarili ko at gusto ko na lang tumalon sa building.

Dahil medyo maaga pa naman at mas lalong ayokong makita si Joaquin for more than I was required to, doon muna ako sa likuran ng building. Nilabas ko iyong vape ko. Kailangan kong kumalma. Nandoon lang ako at tahimik na sinisira ang baga ko nang maka-rinig ako ng yabag. Nang makita ko si Joaquin ay para akong robot na naglakad paalis.

Magtataka pa ba siya? He basically told me to fuck off!

Agad akong pumasok sa loob. I looked for a vacant seat. Nandoon ako sa isang gilid. Anong oras ba ’to magsisimula para matapos na?

“Good evening, everyone,” sabi ng President namin.

There was another welcome for the new members and told us that they hope we enjoyed the welcome party (and the President mentioned that it was actually Joaquin’s house).

“Oh, that’s his house?” biglang sabi ng katabi ko.

“Yeah,” sagot nung katabi niya. “That’s like the unofficial venue for house parties of the org.”

“Cool,” sabi lang na parang normal lang ’yon. Pero nung nandon ako, wala akong nakitang kahit anong proof of life na may naka-tira doon. Ano ’yon? Spare house para sa party? The hell?

“Anyway, time for real work,” sabi ng President. “In a month’s time, we’ll be conducting our first activity for this school year. We’ve divided you into teams. The one in charge for your team will be the one to explain to you the objectives and your personal deliverables for this project,” she continued. “That’s all. Let’s do our best for each and every project.”

Another email notification popped. I clicked on it. Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang makita ko iyong pangalan ko.

Marketing Strategy Team

In charge: Joaquin Antonio Santillan

Members: Franco Gabriel Alvarez

Fuck!

---

“Any questions?” Joaquin asked the team, but for some reason, it felt directed to me… kasi baka dahil sa akin siya naka-tingin? Sa akin na tahimik lang buong meeting?

“Uh… nothing,” sagot ko dahil at this point, pakiramdam ko ay naka-tingin na lahat sa akin.

“Cool,” sabi ni Joaquin na naka-ngiti na naman. “So, we’re all clear on our deliverables? And the timeline?”

The whole team agreed in unison. May tanong pala ako. Pwede kaya na i-send ko na lang sa kanya iyong hinihingi niya? Write-ups lang naman ’yon. I-se-send ko sa email. Pwede bang magskip na ako sa mga meeting na ’to?

But of course hindi ko iyon sinabi dahil ang motto ko ay iwasan si Joaquin… if not, minimal contact with him. Kung pwede ay magpanggap na lang kami na hindi namin nakikita ang isa’t-isa. That would be great, thank you.

After the meeting, agad akong tumayo. Kinuha ko iyong laptop ko na nagamit ko talaga para magtake down ng notes. Seryosong org pala talaga ’tong AIESEC… akala ko medyo hindi dahil ang lala nung house party nila. I guess sila iyong sinasabi na work hard, but party harder.

“Franco.”

Bahagya akong napa-pikit at napa-hugot nang malalim na hininga nang marinig ko na tawagin niya iyong pangalan ko. I forced myself not to look too annoyed bago ako humarap sa kanya.

“Bakit?” tanong ko. Mahigpit iyong hawak ko sa straps ng bag ko na para bang doon ako kumukuha ng emotional support.

“We’re good, right?” he asked like he needed affirmation.

“Yup.”

He looked at me like he was trying to take a peek inside my head. Of course we’re not okay! Mukha bang magiging okay ako pagkatapos nung sinabi niya sa akin sa CR?

“Okay,” he said. “Good. Because we’ll be working together a lot.”

“That…” sabi ko. “Uh… pwede ba na i-send ko na lang via email ’yung writeups?”

“Of course,” he replied. “I won’t be requiring you to send printed outputs—save the environment and all that.”

“I know. I mean… kailangan ko pa bang umattend sa meetings?”

Bahagyang kumunot iyong noo niya. He slightly tilted his head to the side that showed me that chiseled jaw of his. Tangina kahit nakaka-pikon siya, ang gwapo talaga?

“You’ll skip meetings?” he asked like he’s confused.

“I mean… busy ako sa subjects ko?”

“And we’re not?”

“No, no,” mabilis na sabi ko. “I mean—”

“Are you avoiding me?” he asked directly.

“No,” automatic na sagot ko dahil nagpractice talaga ako just in case na itanong niya. Tinanong nga niya.

“Great. So, there’s no reason for you to skip meetings,” sabi niya. “No one forced you to join this org. But now that you’re a member, we’ll expect you to take responsibility—and that includes attending meetings.”

Humigpit iyong hawak ko sa strap ng bag ko.

“Okay,” sabi ko.

“Okay,” sabi niya. “I’ll see you again this Wednesday.”

I forced a smile on my face. Taena. Sana magka-earthquake drill sa Wednesday! 

**

This story is already at Chapter 7 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 2

Halos ma-overdose na ako sa kape sa dami ng ginagawa kong requirements sa mga subjects ko, but mas stressed pa rin ako sa fact na makikita ko na naman si Joaquin sa Wednesday. Para akong gago na nagche-check kung may off-chance ba na magkaroon ng mini-earthquake sa Wednesday. Nothing too devastating—konting galaw lang ng earth para hindi matuloy iyong meeting namin. Parang gago naman kasi!

Pero syempre walang ganon. Walang earthquake advisory—in fact, it was a very normal Wednesday. Pumasok ako sa school. Hindi ko nakita sila James dahil busy din naman sila sa mga klase nila. Busy din ako. But that dreaded meeting cannot be avoided.

“Tsk. Bakit nga ba ulit ako sumali dito?” I asked myself habang naglalakad ako papunta sa venue. Iniiwasan ko talaga iyong group chat kaya naman ngayon ko lang nakita na sa isang coffeeshop pala kami magmi-meeting. Matatagalan ba ’to? Kasi malamang oorder pa ng kape tapos kakain pa? Hindi ba pwedeng magpaalam ako na aalis ako nang maaga? Kaso baka bigla na naman akong sabihan non ng ‘aren’t we busy, too?’

Bahala na nga.

Hindi naman siguro talaga ’to big deal… nagiging big deal lang sa akin kasi pakiramdam ko naapakan iyong pride ko nung sinabihan niya ako na hindi siya bading. E ’di hindi. Kailangan ba talagang specifically i-inform niya ako? Badtrip.

Pagdating ko sa may coffeeshop, akala ko medyo maaga pa. Sumilip lang ako para i-check sana iyong lugar kaso may naka-kita agad sa akin na member. Mukhang tanga naman kung aalis ako after niya ako makita kaya naman naki-table na ako sa kanila.

“Hi,” bati ko.

They all acknowledged my greeting. Okay naman sila. Although medyo walang pansinan na naganap pagkatapos dahil parang busy sila sa kung anuman ang ginagawa nila sa laptop. Medyo napa-silip ako sa ginagawa nung nasa tabi ko. Mukhang okay naman na, pero todo-revise pa siya.

“Hi,” muling sabi ko nung maiwan kami nung isang babae sa table. Umalis kasi iyong ibang kasama namin dahil oorder ata ulit sila dahil ubos na iyong kape nila. Kanina pa ba sila dito? Akala ko pa naman maaga na ako, pero hindi pa pala.

“Yeah?” sagot niya sa akin habang nasa laptop pa rin iyong mga mata niya.

“Question lang… paano usually sa outputs dito? Marami bang revision?”

“Depends on your output,” she replied.

“Depende kung…?”

“If it’s trash or not,” direkta niyang sagot.

Grabe naman sa trash! Pinaghirapan ko kaya ’to. Siningit ko ’to kahit nalulunod na ako sa mga schoolwork ko sa ibang subjects ko.

Mukhang wala naman sa mood maki-socialize ’tong babae sa harapan ko kaya naman hindi na ako nagtanong pa. Pero biglang kinabahan ako kaya naman napa-basa ulit ako doon sa output ko. Mukhang okay naman! Nag-o-overthink lang ba ako dahil sa mga kasama ko?

I hated how I knew Joaquin already arrived bago pa man siya magsalita. Bakit ba attuned na agad iyong ilong ko sa pabango niya?

“Hey, everyone,” sabi ni Joaquin. He was, as expected, in full smile again.

In fairness to him, he did ask everyone kung naka-order na ba kami o kung hindi pa, na umorder na. May kape sa harapan ng lahat ng tao sa table maliban sa akin. Fuck. Bakit ba kakadating pa lang niya ay nasa akin na agad ang attention niya?! Gaano ba kahirap na hindi ako mapansin ng tao na ’to?!

“You want anything?”

‘Gusto ko na umuwi,’ sagot ko sa isip ko.

“Nope. I’m good,” sabi ko na lang.

“Alright,” sabi ni Joaquin. “I’ll just order and then we can begin.”

Ang seryoso talaga ng mga tao dito! Bakit ba kasi wala akong matanungan dito? Parang lahat e susungitan ako any time. Kasalanan talaga ni James ’to, e. Sabay kami pumunta sa may recruitment kaya dapat kasama ko siya dito na nagdudusa!

As I was trying to figure out kung ano iyong mali sa output ko, bigla akong napa-tingin sa harapan ko nang may kape bigla doon. I looked up and saw that Joaquin casually placed the Iced Americano in front of me. He did it so casually na walang nakapansin na iba dahil busy sila sa pagrerevise.

“T-thank you,” I said. May manners naman ako. Joaquin just gave me a small nod like it was no big deal. Pero bakit niya ako binigyan ng kape? Sinabi ko na na ayaw ko? Tapos ganito? After niya ako sungitan sa CR? ’Di ko gets ’tong tao na ’to!

“Okay, let’s start,” sabi ni Joaquin.

I noticed how everyone’s attention turned to him the moment that he spoke. Ganito talaga siya? Commanding attention everywhere he goes? Kasi ang susungit ng mga taong ’to kanina, pero lahat sila parang tupa ngayon na nandito na si Joaquin.

The meeting began. Tangina, biglang nanlamig iyong buong pagkatao ko habang nagaganap iyong meeting. Kaya naman pala napaka-seryoso nila? Ang detailed ng mga tanong ni Joaquin! To think na kaka-basa niya lang ngayon nung output. As in pina-send niya via email, gave it a quick read, and then nagkaroon ng q and a portion about the relevant aspects of the output.

Fuck.

The fuck.

Suddenly, nagsisi ako na kagabi ko lang ginawa ’tong output ko?!

“Franco,” Joaquin called, indicating that it’s my turn to send my output.

Hindi ko alam kung nagkaroon ba ng disconnect o nagpanic na iyong utak ko o kung anumang kasalanan ang ginawa ko nung pastlife ko…

“Fuck.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang makita kong nagsswimming iyong laptop keyboard ko doon sa may Iced Americano na binigay sa akin ni Joaquin kanina.

---

“Hey,” sabi ni Joaquin.

Paalis na rin ako. May bigas ba sa condo? Iyon ginagawa, ’di ba? Ibabaon sa bigas? May enough na bigas ba ako para maibaon ’tong laptop ko? Gagana pa ba ’to? Nandito iyong buong buhay ko! Tangina, bigla akong nagsisi na wala akong iCloud subscription! Paano ba ’to marerecover? May way pa ba na makuha ko iyong files ko?

“Sorry,” agad na sabi ko. “Ise-send ko agad kapag na-recover iyong files.”

Alam ko naman na fault ko. Ayoko lang mabigyan na naman ako ng accountability talk. Wala ako sa mood ngayon.

“You don’t have backup?” he asked.

It wasn’t about the question, but with the way he asked the question.

Na parang ang tanga ko.

Alam ko naman… pero sabi ko nga, wala ako sa mood.

Kung kanina ay takot at kinakabahan lang ako sa kanya, ngayon ay parang nag-180 degrees turn. Bad trip na lang ako sa kanya. Gusto ko na lang bangasan ’yang mukha niyang never pa ata tinubuan ng pimple sa buong buhay niya.

Tumayo ako, nilagay iyong laptop ko sa bag, at sinukbit iyong bag ko sa balikat ko.

“Ise-send ko kapag na-recover na,” I repeated. “If not, I’ll draft a new one and send it as soon as done.”

Pagdating ko sa condo, wala pala akong bigas. Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago ako lumabas ulit at saka bumili ng bigas sa convenience store.

“Gumana ka, please,” parang tanga na sabi ko habang naka-harap ako doon sa may lalagyan ng bigas kung saan nilagay ko rin iyong laptop ko. Naka-prayer position pa iyong kamay ko. Ang hassle naman kasi kung ipapagawa ko pa! Tapos kapag hindi nagawa, bibili pa ako? Hihingi pa akong pera sa parents ko? Hassle.

The next day, maaga akong pumunta sa school para maka-gamit ng computer sa library. Based kasi sa Google, at least 24 hours dapat. Gusto ko ngang gawing 48 hours para sigurado. Sana gumana talaga.

Habang gumagamit ako ng computer, doon ko na-realize kung gaano ka-dependent ako sa laptop ko. Literal nga ata talaga na nandon iyong buhay ko. Nandon lahat ng files ko. Gusto ko ng maiyak habang nililista ko isa-isa iyong mga kailangan kong i-submit ngayong linggo tapos i-check kung ano iyong kailangan ko doong unahin.

“Ano’ng ginagawa mo dito?” tanong ni James sa akin.

“Nakiki-computer,” sagot ko habang inaabot sa kanya iyong hinihiram niya sa akin.

“Nasan laptop mo?”

Hindi ko napigilan iyong bibig ko at nagsimula iyong rant ko sa mga nangyari sa kanya kagabi. Alam ko para akong bata, pero naman kasi! Pakiramdam ko e mapuputukan na ako ng ugat sa utak kapag hindi pa ako nakapagrant!

“Wow…” sabi niya nang matapos ako. Ilang minuto rin na diretso akong nagsasalita habang ang lakas nung tunog mula sa pagttype ko sa keyboard. Ni hindi ko kayang tumigil dahil ang dami ko talagang gagawin!

“I mean, gets naman na ang bobo ko sa part na wala akong back-up pero… gets?”

Tumango siya. “Pero weird lang…”

“Ang alin?”

“Parang based sa mga narinig ko, okay naman si Joaquin.”

“Tsk.”

“Oo nga. Sikat ’yan sa school. Okay naman mga naririnig ko sa kanya, pero based sa mga kwento mo, kung hindi ko lang alam na okay naman siya, iisipin ko na bully, e.”

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. “So, ano? Ako problema?”

Natawa siya. “Wala akong sinabi na ganon. Bakit ang defensive mo?”

“Hindi, ah! Pero kasi,” I began tapos ay nagreklamo na naman ako sa kanya. Ngayon ko lang na-realize na multi-tasker pala ako dahil nagagawa kong magtype habang nagrereklamo ako sa kanya tungkol sa AIESEC lalo na kay Joaquin. Buti nga hindi ko naita-type iyong mga sinasabi ko. May silbi pa rin pala iyong utak ko dahil medyo tanda ko pa iyong mga ginawa kong outputs.

Halos classroom at library lang ako buong araw para mabawasan kahit papaano iyong mga gagawin ko. Just in case na hindi na bumukas ulit iyong laptop ko, at least may nabawas na sa gagawin ko.

“Okay, kalma lang,” sabi ko habang naka-pikit iyong mga mata ko at saka humihinga ako nang malalim. Hindi ko na mabuksan iyong laptop ko. Bumubukas siya, pero nagkakaroon lang din ng black screen. Pumunta ako sa mall para ipa-check and was told na 30k iyong bayad tapos hindi pa sigurado kung gaano katagal bago ko makukuha.

“Hindi na rin naman ako pumupunta sa club…” bulong ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad ako pauwi. Alam ko naman na wala akong choice kung hindi ang bumili ng bagong laptop. Hindi ko kayang mabuhay na sa library lang ako palagi. Gusto ko lang i-convince iyong sarili ko para gumaan kahit konti iyong loob ko. Hindi rin biro iyong gagastusin ko!

Pero dahil hindi pa enough iyong pera ko, I decided na hintayin na lang na dumating ulit iyong allowance ko for the next month. Malapit naman na ’yon. Kaya naman nung mga sumunod na araw ay nasa library lang ako palagi. Pwede ko na atang ilagay iyon na present address ko dahil lagi lang akong nandon. Naawa ata sila James sa akin kaya dinadamayan nila ako minsan.

‘May nagawa na naman ba ako?’ bulong ko sa isip ko.

Wednesday na naman. May meeting na naman kami sa org. Natapos ko na ulit iyong output ko at na-send ko na last week pa. Inuna ko pa nga ’yon kaysa sa ibang acads requirement ko talaga. Saka mas maayos naman ’yon compared sa ipapasa ko dapat talaga last time.

Pero may mali na naman ba? Bakit parang… naka-tingin silang lahat sa akin? E normally ’di naman nila ako pinapansin? I mean, not in an alienating way, pero parang may sarili silang mundo saka busy sila magrevise.

Kaya bakit naka-tingin silang lahat sa akin ngayon?

Pero ayokong magtanong. Instead, I sat there uncomfortably. The meeting began nang dumating si Joaquin. He greeted everyone and greeted me specifically. Bahagyang napa-kunot iyong noo ko. The hell? Ano na naman ang ginawa ko?!

---

“Franco.”

Agad na humigpit iyong pagkaka-hawak ko sa cellphone ko nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Joaquin. Kaka-tapos lang ng meeting. Seriously… sa level ng preparation namin, parang professional event talaga at hindi lang basta school event. Pagod na pagod na ako kahit nakinig lang naman ako sa discussions nila. May konting comment si Joaquin sa may pinasa kong write-up. Aayusin ko naman base sa comment niya kaya bakit niya pa ako tinawag? Hindi pa ba tapos iyong comments niya? May sasabihin pa ba siya sa akin? Masyado bang harsh kaya mas gusto niyang sabihin kapag kaming dalawa na lang?

“Bakit?” sabi ko nung kaming dalawa na lang ang natira. It didn’t help my overthinking mind dahil napansin ko na tumingin sa amin iyong mga kasama namin bago sila umalis. Overthinking pa ba ’to? O may something talaga na hindi ko alam? Ano ba’ng nangyayari? Nasa library lang naman ako palagi nitong mga nakaraang araw?

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

“Am I bullying you?”

“Ha?” muling tanong ko. Ha? Ano’ng sinasabi nito?

Naka-tingin siya sa mga papel na nasa may lamesa. Isa-isa niyang kinuha iyon at pinagsama-sama. Naka-sunod lang iyong mga mata ko sa kanya habang hinihintay iyong susunod niya na sasabihin.

Bullying?

I mean… he could be nicer to me, pero bullying? Lasing ba ’to?

“If you can’t handle the deadlines—”

“Naipasa ko naman, ’di ba? Nagka-emergency lang sa laptop ko. Nakita mo naman ’yon.”

“I know—”

“So, ano’ng sinasabi mo na bullying?”

Honestly, sa lahat ng nangyari nitong mga nakaraang linggo, wala na akong pasensya. Hindi lang ata zero percent kung hindi nasa negative percentage na.

“Ah… so it’s nothing I did?” he asked. Naka-tingin siya sa akin nang diretso ngayon. Nag-iba iyong ekspresyon sa mukha niya. Hindi ako naka-sagot. Bakit ba ako biglang kinabahan?! Nasa coffeeshop naman kami! Wala naman siya sigurong gagawin na masama sa akin? Mukha pa namang obsessed siya sa good boy image niya sa school.

Joaquin grabbed his things. He took a few steps forward, placed his left hand on my right shoulder, and gave it a tight squeeze. Naka-tingin siya sa akin at may maliit na ngiti sa labi niya na ni hindi mo iisipin na pakiramdam ko e magkaka-pasa iyong balikat ko dahil sa higpit ng hawak niya.

“I suggest you watch what you say in public, then. Some people might get the wrong idea,” he said calmly, but why did it sound like a threat? 

**

This story is already at Chapter 8 on patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 3

The thing about basically having no friends in the org, wala akong mapagtanungan kung nasa utak ko lang ba o… talagang naka-tingin sila sa akin? Kung hindi, grabe na ba iyong pagod ko para mag-overthink ako nang ganito? Kung oo… bakit?

Ano na naman ang ginawa ko?!

“Wala kayong meeting ngayon?” tanong ni James nung magpakita ako sa kanila ni Andrew. Nagkaroon ata ng emergency o kung anuman kaya hindi natuloy iyong weekly Wednesday meeting namin. Hindi na ako nagtanong pa. Honestly, masaya na ako na walang meeting.

“Wala,” I simply said. Ayoko munang pag-usapan iyong org. Naging major in AIESEC na ata ako lately. Akala ko busy na ako noon sa degree ko, pero mas may ibu-busy pa pala ako. Joke’s on me talaga.

Kumain lang kami at nagkwentuhan. Biglang may pumasok na group of students mula sa school namin. Napa-tingin sila sa akin… o sa isip ko lang ulit ’yon?

“Blooming ba ako lately?” bigla kong tanong.

Sabay na kumunot iyong noo ni James at Andrew. “Akala ko tubig ’yang iniinom mo?” James asked. Umiinom kasi sila habang tubig lang iyong iniinom ko. Magbabago na nga kasi talaga ako ngayong sophomore year. Akala ko medyo mahihirapan ako kasi alak is life talaga ako nung freshman pero sa dami ng ginagawa ko, nawala na talaga sa isip ko iyong alak at pagpaparty. Ang tanging natira na lang na bisyo sa buhay ko ay vape at isumpa si Joaquin sa utak ko.

Dahil pakiramdam ko talaga ay masisiraan na ako ng bait, sinabi ko na sa kanila iyong napapansin ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. As expected, sinabihan ako ni James na delusional lang ako at hindi ako blooming—in fact, ang haggard ko daw. Sinong hindi mahahaggard sa dami ng ginagawa ko?! Mukha na akong eyebags na naglalakad.

“Ah…” biglang sabi ni Andrew.

“Bakit? Ano meron? Alam mo kung bakit tinitignan ako?” I asked, really hoping na mabigyan ng explanation iyong mga nagaganap sa paligid ko. Kasi naman! Nababaliw na lang ba talaga ako?!

“Di ko sigurado pero parang narinig ko na may issue na may binubully daw sa AIESEC? Org mo ’yon, ’di ba?” sabi ni Andrew na parang hindi pa siya sigurado na org ko iyong AIESEC. Kahit na iyon na ata ang subject ng lahat ng rant ko sa buhay nitong mga nakaraang araw.

Pero… bullying?

Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

“What the fuck…” mahinang bulong ko. “Come to think of it, na-corner na naman ako ni Joaquin tapos tinanong niya ako kung binubully niya ba ako… Iyon ba ’yon?”

Napa-tingin ako sa mukha ni James. Iyong mukha niya iyong tipong visualization ng the pieces finally come together.

“Oh!” malakas na sabi niya kaya napa-tingin sa amin iyong ibang lamesa. Walang pakielam si James at patuloy lang siya sa pagsasalita na para bang excited siya na sabihin kung anuman iyong susunod na lalabas sa bibig niya. “Narinig ko rin ’yan! Actually last, last week pa ata? Na may binubully nga raw sa AIESEC tapos unnecessary deadlines and whatever? May nasugod pa raw sa ospital dahil sa dami ng pinapagawa? Ikaw ’yon saka si Joaquin?”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “I mean… oo, pero bullying? Saan nanggaling ’yon?” takang-taka na tanong ko. Hindi lang naman ako ang may deadline sa org. Medyo tight, pero nasira naman kasi iyong laptop ko kaya nahirapan ako dahil sa library—

Mas lalong nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

Fuck.

Sa library.

“Shit. Siguro nung nagrarant ako sa inyo sa library? Pero anong nasugod sa ospital? Saka bullying? Ang seryoso naman non!”

Fuck. Kaya pala pinagtitinginan ako sa org kasi nagka-issue bigla ng bullying dahil sa akin? Baka iniisip pa nila na kung anu-ano sinasabi ko? Kasi saan naman nanggaling iyong na-confine ako sa ospital? Na-nosebleed lang ako one time dahil kulang ako sa tulog—pero hindi naman solely dahil sa org works ko. Marami din talaga akong ginagawa sa ibang subjects ko.

Buong linggo kong iniisip ’to.

Hanggang mag-Wednesday na naman.

I did ask James and Andrew kung ano ang gagawin ko. Hindi na ako makapag-isip nang tama kasi nase-stress na ako. Sabi ni Andrew, hayaan ko lang daw. Hindi naman totoo. Sabi naman ni James, goodluck kasi daw parang first time ever na nagkaroon ng bullying allegation against Joaquin—si Joaquin na model student bago ako mapadpad sa buhay niya.

Taena talaga.

Kapag umalis ako sa org, baka mas lumala iyong bullying allegations… Mas okay siguro na umattend pa rin ako, pero lie low na lang. Maaga akong dumating sa venue para maka-pili ako ng pwesto. Nandon ako sa pinaka-dulo.

Isa-isang dumating na iyong mga ka-group ko. I just gave them a small nod tapos ay nagfocus na ako sa notebook na dala ko. Medyo na-traumatize ako sa nangyari sa laptop ko kaya notebook lang ang dala ko. Tsk. Kasama ba ’yon sa allegations? Baka sa OA na kwento ng mga tao, ang version na ay tinapunan ni Joaquin iyong laptop ko ng kape. No wonder tinanong niya ako before kung binubully niya ba ako.

Nakaka-hiya.

“Hi,” Joaquin said.

“Hi,” I forced myself to say back kasi taena, baka issue na naman.

But for the rest of the meeting, I kept to myself. Nakikinig naman ako dahil ayokong magtanong ulit kung may hindi ako narinig. Brief meeting lang naman dahil in all fairness kay Joaquin, efficient siya. Nagawa na namin majority ng heavy lifting kaya medyo okay na ngayon.

“Joaquin.”

Umalis na lahat at kaming dalawa na lang ang naiwan. Sinadya ko talaga na kausapin siya na kami lang dahil baka magka-issue na naman. Mukhang okay naman kasi si Joaquin… Napa-isip lang ako sa sinabi ni James na ngayon lang nagka-issue si Joaquin. Medyo nagguilty talaga ako.

“Ah… Narinig ko pala ’yung issue.”

“Issue?”

“Iyong sa bullying.”

“Ah,” he said, short and simple.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Hindi ko rin alam kung saan nanggaling ’yon,” I lied.

“So, just out of nowhere, huh?” he asked smugly. I bit my tongue. Deserve ko naman. Kahit naman ako masabihan bigla na bully, aba maiinis din ako.

I forced a smile on my face. “Anyway, I’ll still do my works and stay out of your way.”

“How? By being all awkward around me?”

Napa-kunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

“A couple of people already asked me if I am bullying you,” sabi niya na rinig ko sa boses niya iyong inis.

“I told you, misunderstanding—”

“Too detailed to be a misunderstanding,” he said, cutting me off.

“So, ano ang gusto mong gawin ko? ’Wag maging awkward? Dumikit lang ako sa ’yo?” naiinis na rin na sabi ko. Ako na nga nagmagandang loob na unang lumapit!

“You’d like that, huh?”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Ano?” naguguluhan na tanong ko.

He placed both his hands on the table and slightly leaned in towards me. Bahagyang napaatras ako dahil sa paglapit niya sa akin. My nose quickly caught a whiff of his perfume. Fuck! Bakit ba naamoy ko ’yon?! Kahit kasi gaano siya nakaka-bwisit, ang bango pa rin niya talaga!

“Are you really doing all this just so you can force me to be nice to you in public?”

What the fuck?!

I openly scoffed. “Wow,” sabi ko. Kulang na lang magslow clap ako. “Ang wild naman ng imagination mo.”

Naka-tingin lang sa akin si Joaquin. He was watching me, probably waiting for me to slip and profess my undying love for him. E gwapo naman talaga siya! Na-gwapuhan ako. Ibig sabihin ba non, magiging stalker niya na ako?! Saka ano ’to? Elaborate plan para maging kami?! Baliw ba siya?!

Ugh!

Bakit ba ako nagka-crush sa sira-ulong ’to?!

“First of all, hindi kita type,” I told him.

“Really.”

I knew I couldn’t lie my way around this dahil para naman talaga akong asong ulol nung una ko siyang nakita. Pogi naman kasi! Pero kahit anong pogi ng isang tao, kapag may attitude problem, ang sarap pa ring itapon sa basurahan.

“Fine,” I said, deciding to indirectly come out to him on a fucking random Wednesday evening. “I thought you looked good,” I continued. Nilagay ko rin iyong magkabilang kamay ko sa may lamesa at bahagyang lumapit sa kanya hanggang isang hinga na lang ang pagitan naming dalawa. “But you know what? The more I get to know you, the more repulsive you become.”

Joaquin has always this sort of control over every expression on his face. Like every smile, every breathe, everything’s been planned.

But I guess he’s always been wanted all his life—ngayon lang ata siya naka-rinig ng ganito. Oh, well. There’s always a first time for everything.

“So, you can relax,” I said as I leaned away and grabbed my things. “I may be gay, pero may standards naman ako.” 

**

This story is already at Chapter 10 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 4

Change of plans.

Bakit ba masyado kong iniistress iyong sarili ko sa taong ’yon?

Nandito ako sa Manila kasi gusto kong mabuhay on my own terms… so why was I letting that probably homophobic guy walk all over me? Oo, alam ko naman na mali na nagrant ako in public, pero taena naman! Bawal ba?! Nasira iyong laptop ko at nagsimula ako from scratch sa lahat nung mga kailangan kong ipasa this week. Saka hindi ko naman na siguro kasalanan kung dagdag bawas iyong chismis na kumalat.

Tsk.

Badtrip—

Hindi na nga pala ako mababadtrip. I didn’t want him to have much control over my life and my emotions. Dami-dami kong ginagawa tapos inooccupy niya iyong 70% ng iniisip ko dahil sa sobrang bwisit sa kanya. That changes today. Kung ayaw niya pa rin sa akin, bahala siya sa buhay niya. No more walking on thin ice whenever he’s around. Bahala siya sa buhay niya.

“Good morning,” I greeted iyong ibang nakasalubong ko doon sa may venue kung saan gaganapin iyong event namin. Bakit ko ba ine-alienate iyong sarili ko? Sabi nung ibang kaibigan ko na mas matanda sa akin, college would be some of the best years of my life. Dito ko raw makikilala iyong ilan sa mga tao na magsstay sa buhay ko ng matagal na panahon. Gusto kong enjoyin ’to. Malay ko ba kung sa AIESEC ko makikilala iyong mga magiging close friends ko sa future?

Medyo na-guilty din ako kasi totoo din naman na tinalkshit ko ’tong org na ’to kina James at Andrew… pero totoo rin naman na sa dami ng members ng org na ’to, mathematically impossible na masama lahat ng ugali nila.

Since nasa marketing team ako at almost done na kami sa marketing aspect weeks ago pa, nagdesisyon ako na tumulong na lang sa ibang groups. Tumulong akong magset up nung booths. Medyo nakaka-pagod, pero masaya kausap iyong mga kasama ko. Bakit ba hindi ako sa group na ’to napunta? Para akong tino-torture nitong mga nakaraang linggo dahil sa group ko. Ni hindi ako maka-order ng sandwich kapag may meeting kami dahil hindi ako maka-kain kapag kasama ko sila. Stomachache aabutin ko sa mga taong ’yon, e.

“What?” naka-kunot ang noo na tanong ni Joaquin nang maglapag ako ng iced Americano sa harapan niya. Nag-effort pa ako na bilhin iyon sa labas nung makita ko na dumating na siya. Iyon iyong lagi niyang iniinom na kape.

He was wearing denim jeans, white shirt, white sneakers, and a pair of sunglasses. He slightly winced nung tinawag ko siya. May hangover pa ata si gago…

I gave him a small smile. I knew that he was annoyed that I was openly approaching him in public. This was weird for me, too! Pero kung hindi ko gagawin, ano? Lagi na lang akong iiwas sa kanya? Kung uncomfortable ako, siya din dapat!

I didn’t really say anything but leave the iced coffee for him. It was a small gesture, but I was fully aware na may mga matang naka-tingin sa amin.

Serves you right, asshole. Kung sana tinanggap mo na lang apology ko nung isang araw… Ginusto mo ’to. Bahala ka d’yan. Magpatigasan tayo.

---

Throughout the day, I’d make sure that we had small interactions here and there. I couldn’t do it over the top dahil mahahalata ng iba na binu-bwisit ko lang si Joaquin. I mean, honestly, kung naiinis si Joaquin sa akin, he can just tell me to fuck off.

He probably would.

Mamaya.

Kapag kaming dalawa na lang ang magka-harap.

Plastic kasi ’tong gagong ’to.

I figured that as long as I mess with him in public, I’d be fine… Madali lang naman siyang iwasan in private. Basta kailangan ko lang umalis nang maaga palagi. Magka-iba rin naman kami ng degree. Magka-ibang building. Walang overlap ang buhay namin maliban sa org na ’to.

“Mukha kang tanga,” sabi ni James nang makita niya ako na naka-ngisi.

“Wala,” sabi ko na natatawa. “May bagong hobby na ata ako.”

“Ano?” he asked. “Saka may party sa Friday. Nandon sila Kirbs. Hindi ka sasama? Kahit daan ka lang?”

Umiling ako habang nagsscroll sa carefully curated IG feed ni Joaquin… Grabe. Quintessential good boy talaga ang image niya. ’Di mo aakalain na masarap takpan ng tape iyong bibig niya kapag naka-usap mo siya.

You’d think na random posts lang iyong naka-lagay sa feed niya, but I knew him better.

“May after party after nung event sa AIESEC,” sabi ko.

“Required umattend?”

“Hindi naman.”

“Pero pupunta ka?”

Tumango ako. Pinakita ko sa kanya iyong picture ni Joaquin. Based sa caption niya, sumali siya sa volunteer program sa ibang bansa para bumuo ng mga bahay para sa victims ng hurricane.

“Sa tingin mo totoo ’to? Or for the gram lang?” I asked.

Tumingin sa akin si James na naka-kunot ang noo. “Joaquin na naman?” he asked in an accusing tone. “Besides, ano naman kung for the gram? At the end of the day, nagawan ng bahay iyong mga tao.”

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. “I mean, oo pero—” sabi ko tapos natigilan. Napa-tingin ako sa paligid ko. Mamaya may maka-rinig na naman sa akin! Baka kung ano na namang bagong bagay tungkol sa sarili ko ang marinig ko. Napaka-dagdag bawas naman kasi ng mga chismis! Sana kung chichismis na lang din sila, accurate sana.

“Anyways, whatever,” sabi ko kasi nagmumukha na akong hater masyado ni Joaquin. “Pero pupunta akong after party.”

“Ha? Bakit? Akala ko wala ka namang friends don?” naguguluhan na tanong ni James.

I shrugged and then explained na may mga naging kaibigan naman ako kahit papaano. Hindi ko na lang din sinabi iyong ulterior motive ko na bwisitin si Joaquin. Alam ko naman na hindi maganda iyong ginagawa ko, but then again, kailan ba ako nagclaim na mabait ako?

Saka ilang linggo din akong inistress ni Joaquin! Bawal ba akong mag-enjoy kahit isang linggo lang?

“Fine…” sabi ni James. “Pero puro ka Joaquin. ’Di ka ba naniniwala na the more you hate, the more you love ?” he continued. Napa-tingin ako kay Andrew na tumango din na para bang in agreement siya sa sinabi ni James.

I faked a gag. “Kadiri.”

---

The day of the event finally came.

A vein on Joaquin’s neck made a quick appearance nung magvolunteer ako na ako ang mag-a-assist sa kanya throughout the event. He could’ve said na ’wag na ako, pero syempre bilang tao na top concern ang public image niya, hinayaan niya lang ako sa gusto kong mangyari.

Masama ata talaga akong tao dahil nag-e-enjoy ako na bwisitin siya while knowing na wala siyang magagawa habang may mga mata na naka-tingin sa amin.

“Water,” I said with a smile on my face nang abutan ko siya ng tubig. Kanina pa rin kasi kami paikot-ikot. Hindi din naman pala sobrang masama iyong ugali ko dahil kapag seryoso naman iyong ginagawa ko, hindi ko naman siya binu-bwisit. Gusto ko lang sirain iyong araw niya, pero alam ko pa rin naman iyong limit ko. ’Di ba niya na-a-appreciate ’yon?

“Thank you,” he said with a fake smile on his face. “I’m actually good. You can just—”

“Dito lang ako,” I said, quickly cutting him off.

Hindi ba two birds with one stone ’to? Nag-e-enjoy na ako na inisin siya, tapos marami din akong natututunan? In fairness naman din kasi sa kanya… magaling nga talaga. Ang daming sponsor nitong event. Nakaka-bilib considering na college event lang naman ’to. Ang dami niyang connection. Kaya naka-buntot din ako sa kanya kasi napipilitan siyang ipakilala ako sa mga future connections ko.

Gusto na siguro akong ihagis palabas ng venue ni Joaquin.

“What?” he suddenly asked as he halted. “You’re gonna follow me inside, too?”

Rinig ko na iyong inis sa boses niya. Nasa harapan kami ng CR. May mga tao sa paligid namin, pero malayo sila para marinig iyong sinasabi niya. Pero kahit tignan lang siya, makikita naman sa mukha niya na naiinis siya.

I looked at him and smiled. “Bakit? Gusto mo sundan kita sa loob?” I asked, purposely being annoying. I saw his jaw clenched. I smiled even wider. Sumandal ako doon sa may pader at saka pinagkrus iyong mga braso ko. “Go on,” I said. “I’ll wait here.”

I saw the deep breath that Joaquin draw bago siya pumasok sa loob ng CR. Hanggang saan kaya aabot ang pasensya niya?

Parang ang dami ko ng nagawa bago siya lumabas ng CR. Pansin ko na medyo basa iyong gilid ng buhok niya na para bang naghilamos siya. Pero kung naghilamos siya, ibig sabihin, ganito lang talaga ang itsura ng bare face niya? Tsk. May mga tao talaga pinagpala lang talaga.

“Tagal mo, ah. Nag number two ka?” I asked.

Instead of telling me to fuck off dahil dalawa lang naman kami dito, Joaquin stopped right in front of me. Ang seryoso ng itsura niya habang naka-tingin siya sa akin.

“Are you having fun?” he asked. His voice was low.

“Yes,” diretsong sagot ko.

He didn’t say anything for a good few seconds—he was just looking at me, but his face told me that his mind was telling a different story.

“Alright,” he said as he placed his hand on my shoulder, and gave it a tight squeeze that made me wince. “Good to know,” he continued. He was merely a few inches away from my face. He was just looking at me, but for some reason, it felt like he just declared war against me. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 11 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 5

I didn’t know what the fuck did he do in the CR for him to make a 180 degree turn.

Pagbalik namin sa venue, as usual ay naka-sunod pa rin ako sa kanya. Only this time, siya na ang voluntarily nagpapakilala ng mga tao sa akin. He’d introduce me to some people and even praised me in front of them—saying things like I’m very dependable and creative.

“Ano’ng ginagawa mo?” I asked him nang mapa-hinto kami sa isang gilid. Nagsisimula na iyong program. Inabutan niya ako ng bottled water. Kung hindi lang nakita ko mismo kung saan ’yon nanggaling, iisipin ko na may lason ’tong tubig.

“Giving you water?” he asked like he was innocent. “What? Aren’t you thirsty?” he asked again. I was actually waiting for him na sabihin niya na ‘aren’t you thirsty for me?’ pero wala akong narinig na ganoon mula sa kanya. Tahimik lang siyang nakikinig sa program at saka iniinom iyong tubig niya.

“Joaquin,” sabi nung isang lalaki na lumapit sa amin.

“Mr. Lee,” naka-ngiti na sabi ni Joaquin habang kinakamayan iyong lalaki. “Franco, Mr. Lee, our project partner. Mr. Lee, Franco, my colleague.”

Nakipagkamay ako roon sa lalaki. As usual, he was all praises kay Joaquin for being to put together this event. I knew that this was a team effort, pero kahit hater ako, gets ko naman na malaki talaga ambag ni Joaquin dito. Walang event kung walang sponsors.

“Actually, Franco did those write-ups and proposal,” biglang sabi ni Joaquin habang naka-tingin sa akin. Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko sa pagka-gulat. Biglang nagpanic iyong sistema ko kasi hindi naman ako sanay makipag-usap sa clients o kung anuman tawag sa mga ganito. Si Joaquin lang talaga nakaka-usap ko dahil siya lang naman nagbibigay ng feedback and instructions sa mga pinapasa ko sa kanya.

“Oh, really? I’m impressed,” biglang sabi ni Mr. Lee.

“T-thank you,” nauutal na sabi ko.

Ito ba ang balak niya?! Na mautal ako sa harap ni Mr. Lee?!

“You’re AB Communications, right?” tanong sa akin ni Joaquin. Napa-tango ako agad.

“Have you decided on where you’ll do your internship?” tanong sa akin ni Mr. Lee.

For some reason, I looked at Joaquin in panic. Akala ko ay ngingisian niya ako at gugustuhin ko siyang bangasan sa mukha, but for some reason (Friday the 13th ba ngayon?!), he just gave me a small nod like he was urging me to actually reply to the question and engage in the conversation.

Imbes na inumin ko iyong tubig ay parang naging stress ball siya sa akin. Huminga ako nang malalim bago ko sinagot si Mr. Lee na wala pa akong solid na plano para sa internship ko. For some reason, he did tell me to apply doon sa company nila—which was a huge thing! Kasi isa sa pinaka-malaking magazine publication sa bansa iyong sa work niya! Talaga bang inofferan niya ako? All because Joaquin… ugh, ang bigat sa loob ko sabihin, but Joaquin actually did put in a good word for me.

Tsk.

Ang pait ng lasa ng pride.

---

“How was it?” Joaquin asked nang makita ko ulit siya.

In the middle of the conversation, he did excuse himself. Akala ko e iiwan na rin ako ni Mr. Lee dahil nawala na si Joaquin, but he did stay and engaged in a conversation with me. He did ask me about my future plans at kung anu-ano.

“What are you up to?” direktang tanong ko sa kanya.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. “What?”

I eyed him. “Why… are you being suspiciously nice?”

He gave out a small laugh. It kinda reminded me nung unang beses kaming nagkita at nung mga unang araw na magkakilala kami. He was nice then. Tapos biglang… ewan. Hindi ko na rin maalala kung saan nagsimula ’to hanggang sa lumaki na nang lumaki at nalimutan ko na iyong tunay na issue.

“What did I do again?” he lightheartedly asked.

“Balak mo ba akong i-talkshit doon kay Mr. Lee? Paasahin ako sa internship tapos sisiraan mo ako?”

“Why don’t you just transfer to Creative Writing?” Naka-kunot pa rin ang noo ko. Natawa siya ulit. “I did nothing—I just introduced you. If you’ll get the internship, that’s all on you.”

Naka-tingin pa rin ako sa kanya. Suspicious!

“And if you didn’t get the internship, that’s also on you,” he continued.

“I knew it! Sisiraan mo ako!”

He laughed—annoyingly this time. Bigla siyang uminom nung tubig. Bakit parang tanga ako na nanonood sa kanya e umiinom lang naman siya ng tubig? Pero kasalanan niya! Bakit bigla siyang iinom e nag-uusap kami?

“I don’t do that,” he said. “I don’t talk shit about other people—in fact, I have no interest in other people,” he continued, spoken like a true narcissist.

“Tsk.”

“Why? Did you fumble the informal interview?”

“Interview?!”

He nodded. “Basically,” he said. “That’s why you join AIESEC, right? To get connections?”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Fuck.”

“Why? What did you do?”

Hindi agad ako maka-sagot kasi nagflashback sa utak ko iyong mga sinabi ko kanina. Feel ko medyo nagsinungaling ako, pero kasi! Malay ko ba na informal interview na ’yon? Ite-take into consideration ba ’yon kung magaapply ako ng intership? Maaalala niya pa ba ’yon?

“Did you cry in front of him?”

“Hindi. Bakit naman ako iiyak?”

He gave a small nod. “Then you’ll be fine.”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya na naka-kunot ang noo. Seriously… ano ba’ng ginawa nito sa CR? Because I knew for sure na bago siya pumasok sa CR, gusto niya na akong itapon palabas ng venue tapos ngayon, pinapagaan niya iyong loob ko?

Very suspicious!

“What?” he asked when he saw me eyeing him.

“Wala akong tiwala sa ’yo.”

He let out a short laugh and then shrugged. “Sure,” he casually said. “Honestly, we just got on the wrong foot,” he continued.

Naka-kunot pa rin ang noo ko na naka-tingin sa kanya. “Tss.”

I was carefully watching him dahil pakiramdam ko talaga ay mali sa mga nangyayari nang bigla niya akong senyasan. May papalapit na babae sa amin.

“Ms. Viria,” Joaquin said tapos ay pinakilala niya ulit ako sa may babae na apparently ay representative naman ng isang TV network.

Feeling ko talaga may mali, pero kagaya nung kanina, pinuri na naman ako ni Joaquin sa harap nung representative… but unlike earlier, hindi niya ako iniwan. Akala ko e sisiraan niya ako or that he’d make subtle digs here and there, pero walang ganoong nangyari. It almost felt like he stayed to help me navigate the whole conversation.

I was in awe.

Bakit ganito siya magsalita?! Nakaka-budol?! Talent ba ’to?! Natural lang na nangyayari o pwede ba ’tong i-develop overtime?! Kasi pakiramdam ko kung gagamitan niya ako ng budol talent niya, one way or another, kaya niya akong i-convince na magdropout ng school.

“You did good,” sabi niya nung kaming dalawa na lang. “Also, you don’t always have to be completely honest—a little lie here and there won’t hurt.”

“Gawain mo ba ’yon?”

“What?”

“Magsinungaling?”

He shrugged. “Not really, but sometimes, you just have to tell people what they want to hear.”

“Kahit hindi na totoo?”

“Does it matter? People will believe what they want to believe.”

Seriously… when I thought I understand him, mas lalo lang akong naguguluhan sa kanya. Paano ba pinalaki ng mga magulang niya ’to? Hindi ba siya masyadong nayakap nung bata pa siya? Why does he talk about lying like it’s just natural for him? Kasi kapag ako nagsisinungaling, nase-stress ako na tipong nagkaka-hives pa ako. Kaya nga gusto ko dito sa Manila kasi nung nasa probinsya ako, lagi lang akong stressed dahil pakiramdam ko 24/7 akong nagsisinungaling.

Nang matapos na iyong event, umalis na iyong iba. Naiwan ako kasi isa ako sa mga bagong members pa lang. May unwritten rule na new members ang mag-aayos ng mga kalat after ng event.

“Close kayo ni Joaquin?” biglang tanong sa akin.

“Ha? Uh… Hindi naman,” sagot ko kasi hindi naman talaga. Mas accurate pa kung tinanong niya na magkaaway ba kami ni Joaquin.

“Oh… so, did you just ask him for a favor?”

“What favor?”

“To introduce you.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Not really,” I said. “Bakit?” tanong ko na medyo naguguluhan. Sabi ni Joaquin, kaya sumasali sa AIESEC ay para sa future connections—which is true kasi iyon naman talaga dahilan kung bakit ako sumali (alongside sa nabudol ako na gwapo siya dati). I just assumed na one way or another, may makikilala ka na connection sa AIESEC? Kaya bakit tinatanong niya na parang Joaquin went out of his way to introduce me to some people?

“Is it because of the bullying issue? Is he trying to make it up to you?”

What the fuck?

Talagang diretso niya akong tinanong?! I mean, alam ko naman na straightforward mga tao sa org na ’to, pero minsan nagugulat pa rin ako!

Naka-tingin siya sa akin na para bang hinihintay niya na i-confirm ko na iyon nga ang nangyari.

“No, of course not,” mabilis na sabi ko. “Also, there was no bullying,” I continued. Nasaan ba si Joaquin?! Dapat naririnig niya ’to na nililinis ko ang pangalan niya!

“Oh, okay,” sabi niya. Umalis na agad ako dahil baka bigla akong hingan ng tips nito para i-blackmail si Joaquin. Mukhang convinced siya na may ginawa akong magic. Bakit? Hindi ba nagpapakilala si Joaquin sa mga ibang members? Sa akin lang? Pero bakit—

Tsk. Sinasabi ko na nga ba! May masamang balak ’yang si Joaquin!

“Franco,” biglang tawag ni Joaquin sa akin.

Napa-tingin ako sa gawi ni Joaquin tapos ay nakaramdam ako ng pagtaas ng balahibo sa batok ko dahil parang may nanonood sa amin. Truth be told, naka-tingin siya sa amin ni Joaquin na para bang anytime e maglalabas na siya ng notebook para isulat iyong tips kung paano ko nauto si Joaquin na ipakilala ako sa contacts niya.

“What?” tipid na sagot ko. Bakit ba nandito pa siya? Umalis na kaya lahat ng senior members.

“Will you go to the party?” he asked.

“Oo. Bakit? Hindi ba ako welcome sa bahay mo? Ipapa-harang mo ba ako sa guard ng subdivision mo?”

Natawa na naman siya. “No, I’m just asking,” sabi niya. “I’ll see you there,” he continued and then gently tousled my hair.

The fuck?! Nagshabu ba ’to sa CR?!

**

This story is already at Chapter 12 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 6

My spidey-senses told me na ’wag na lang akong pumunta sa party… Napaka-suspicious naman kasi talaga… Pero iyong chismoso na parte ng utak ko ay nagsasabi na pumunta ako sa party. I mean, if any, suspicious naman na agad ako. Kaya kung may kung anumang balak si Joaquin sa akin, at least prepared na ako.

Ano kaya ang balak ng epal na ’yon? Lalasingin kaya ako tapos ay kukuhanan ng weird na video? Mukhang hindi naman siya ganon, but then again, we’ll never know! Si Joaquin ’to na may sapak sa utak at nagkakaroon ng personality change after pumunta sa CR!

Okay, okay. I just have to be vigilant.

I took a long bath tapos ay medyo natagalan ako sa pamimili ng damit. Bakit ba nag-e-effort ako e mga ka-org ko lang din naman makikita ko roon? Saka I doubt if maaalala pa nila suot ko. For sure basag na mga tao doon pagdating ko. Deserve din naman dahil nakaka-stress mag-ayos ng events.

Bago ako pumunta sa may bahay ni Joaquin, minessage ko kay Andrew iyong location ko. Mahirap na! At least kung may mangyayari man sa akin, si Joaquin ang suspect number 1.

Pagdating ko sa may subdivision, hindi naman ako hinarang ng guard. Okay… at least hindi ako ginago sa part na ’yon ni Joaquin. Nakaka-hiya kaya kung tatawag pa iyong guard sa kanya. Mukha akong gate-crasher.

Sa labas pa lang e rinig na rinig ko na iyong tugtog mula sa loob ng bahay. Alam ko na mayaman si Joaquin, but the question is, to what extent? Sikat na subdivision ’to para sa mga mayayaman… pero okay lang na gawing party house ni Joaquin? Tapos walang nagrereklamo na ibang homeowners?

Nakakapagtaka.

True to what I thought, sabog na iyong karamihan sa kanila nung maka-pasok ako. It was only 10PM pero akala mo madaling araw na sa pagka-sabog nila. I quickly averted my gaze nung may makita ako na nagmomomol sa may gilid nung hagdan. Akala ko masasanay na ako, pero hindi pa rin pala.

Naiilang ba ako o naiinggit lang? It’s been months! Dapat ba sumama na lang ako kina James—

Tsk.

No. Kaya ko ’to. Tigang lang ako ngayon, pero kapag nakipaghookup ako, it will feel good at the moment tapos… wala.

Dumiretso ako sa kitchen para kumuha ng beer doon. Ayoko nung mga inumin doon sa may likuran kasi may nakita ako last time na nilalagyan nila ng kung ano.

“Hey, you’re here,” sabi ni Joaquin. Naka-tayo siya sa may harap ng kitchen island habang may hawak ng bag of popcorn. He looked a bit drunk dahil medyo mapula iyong dulo ng tenga niya.

“Lasing ka?” I asked, a bit surprised. Even last time, hindi naman siya lasing. Naka-ilang beer siya noon, pero hindi siya nalasing… which begged the question na gaano karami ang nainom niya para mamula iyong dulo ng tenga niya?

“No, not really,” he replied. “You want?” he asked as he offered his bag of popcorn na yakap-yakap niya na para bang first born child niya iyon.

Mabilis akong umiling. “Ah… may beer ba dito?”

“It’s all gone?” he asked, probably pertaining sa mga inumin sa labas.

I shrugged. “Ewan.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Okay…”

“Ayoko lang uminom nung doon,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“How come?” he asked as he sat on the kitchen counter.

What the fuck’s with this day? Kanina, pinakilala niya ako sa contacts niya… ngayon naman ay nasa kusina niya kami at nag-uusap na para bang longtime friends kami.

He’s up to something… Hindi ko pa alam ngayon, pero malalaman ko rin.

“Wala lang akong tiwala,” sabi ko.

Natawa siya. “You saw them?”

I nodded. “Hindi ba sila natatakot?” I asked. “Hindi ka ba natatakot?”

“Why?”

“Bahay mo ’to,” sabi ko. “Hindi ka ba natatakot sa parents mo kapag nalaman nila na may nagddrugs dito sa bahay?”

He slightly cocked his head to the side. “Worried about me?” he cooed.

What the hell?!

My face probably mirrored the disgust that I felt nung biglang lumambing iyong boses niya kaya naman napa-halakhak si Joaquin. He laughed so hard that I saw some of the veins on his neck. God… it’s so unfair that he’s so annoying but he’s also so hot… Kahit naka-simpleng faded jeans, sneakers, at black shirt lang siya.

“But don’t worry about it,” sabi niya na lang. “There are beers in the fridge.”

I looked around, pero hindi ko makita iyong ref na sinasabi niya. I almost flinched when I felt him standing behind me. His skin almost grazed mine nang hawakan niya iyong parang cabinet sa harapan ko. I didn’t even know that I was holding my breath until I began to grasp for air.

“Here,” he said as he gently pulled the door open.

Fuck. Ito lang pala iyong ref! Saka bakit hindi niya na lang tinuro sa akin?! Kailangan niya pang tumayo sa likod ko! I even smelled his perfume mixed with the smell of beer. I didn’t even have a sip yet pero parang nalalasing na ako sa amoy.

“O-okay,” sabi ko. “Pwede bang lumayo ka? Ang sikip.”

I heard him chuckle. “Oops.”

Fuck. Lasing na ata ’tong gago na ’to.

---

Joaquin’s acting so fucking weird!

Magkasama lang kami buong party. Naglaro din kami ng beer pong. Nung hindi pa rin ako maka-shoot, he stood behind me and tried to ‘teach’ me. Buti na lang din at sabog na lahat ng tao sa paligid namin dahil baka magalit na naman ’to sa akin kapag nagka-issue na naman tungkol sa amin. But did he really have to stand so close habang tinuturuan ako magbeerpong?!

“San kayo?” I asked nang sa wakas ay sumagot na sa tawag si James.

“Rooftop,” he replied. “Why?”

“Ah, okay. Book lang ako ng ride tapos punta ako d’yan.”

“Ha? Bakit? ’Di ka natuloy sa—”

“You’re leaving?”

Halos mapatalon ako sa kinatatayuan ko nang marinig ko na naman iyong boses ni Joaquin. He was standing behind me. He was holding another bottle of beer. Hindi ko alam kung dahil lang ba medyo madilim dito o mas mapula lang talaga iyong dulo ng tenga niya base sa silhouette.

“Message kita,” sabi ko kay James bago ko mabilis na pinatay iyong tawag dahil parang gago ’tong si Joaquin na naka-tayo sa likuran ko.

I quickly placed my phone back inside my pocket. Ako na iyong umatras dahil lasing na ata talaga iyong kasama ko. Bakit ba siya inom nang inom ngayon? But more importantly, ano ba’ng meron sa araw na ’to?! Friday the 13th ba talaga?!

“You’re leaving?” he asked once again.

Tumango ako. “Yeah. May pupuntahan pa ako,” sagot ko.

“Another party?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Aww. Is my party boring you?”

He tried to take a step forward, but I gently pushed him away. Pero bago ko pa man magawa ’yon, mabilis niyang hinawakan iyong mga kamay ko. I tried to yank my hands away, but it only made him want to hold them tighter.

“Parang gago—”

“I have a question,” he said. He was staring into my eyes directly while he was still holding both my hands. How was he fucking strong?! Akala ko ba lasing siya?!

“A-ano?” sabi ko na sinusubukan pa ring kuhanin iyong kamay ko. But he wouldn’t budge, so I just gave up and let him hold my hands against his chest.

“Am I really not your type?” he asked.

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha? Gago ka ba? Lasing ka na—”

“No, just answer my question,” he said as he took a step forward, forcing me to take a step backward. I felt the cold wall against my back and then pulsating beat of the music that surrounded the entire house. I knew I shouldn’t hear the words he was saying, but he was talking so close that even if I didn’t hear, I’d be able to read the words as they leave his lips.

Tanginang buhay ’to!

“Hindi kita type,” I said as I felt my heart beat loudly. Ang lakas ng tugtog na nadadamay iyong kabog ng dibdib ko.

“Why?” he asked.

“Anong why? Required ba na type kita?” I asked as I tried to even my breathing because… fuck.

It was dark.

And I was also a bit drunk.

Hindi ako santo, okay! May hangganan din ang pasensya ko!

“Umatras ka nga—” I said as I tried to push him away, but that only made him push forward. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko hanggang sa may lumitaw na ngisi sa mukha ni Joaquin.

“Huh… So you say you don’t like me…” he said as he leaned in and whispered in my ear. “But your body’s betraying you, huh?” he asked as he pressed himself against me. “You hard because of me?”

I pushed him away. My jaw was clenching.

“Gago,” sabi ko bago ko sinubukan na maglakad palayo, pero bago pa man ako maka-layo, naramdaman ko iyong kamay niya sa braso ko. “Tangina naman—”

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang sabay na marinig ko iyong pagbagsak ng bote ng beer sa sahig at iyong mga malamig na kamay niya sa mukha ko. My eyes were wide open as I saw him get close… until I felt his lips on mine.

“Come on, open your mouth,” he said when his lips left mine.

“What the fuck—”

“Thanks,” he said, cutting me off, as he kissed me once again. But as my mouth was open, I felt his tongue inside, touching mine.

What the fuck?! Nagshabu din ba ako kanina kasama niya sa CR?! Hallucination lang ba ang nangyari simula kanina hanggang ngayon?! What the hell’s happening?!

**

This story is already at Chapter 13 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 7

Ang tanging katanggap-tanggap na explanation lang ay ang nagshabu din ako kanina at lahat ng nangyayari ngayon ay pawang produkto lamang ng aking imahinasyon—but then again, bakit naman ako mag-i-imagine na ka-momol ko si Joaquin?!

“Aray—” sabi ko nang bigla niyang kagatin iyong ibabang labi ko.

“Focus,” he said before he cupped my face yet again and kissed me one more time… pero one more time? Mali na ata ako ng bilang. Pakiramdam ko ay ilang minuto na kaming nandito sa madilim na sulok ng bahay niya. Naka-ilang palit na ng kanta, pero hindi pa rin siya natatapos sa ginagawa niya.

Some fucking high grade shabu.

Napaka-vivid ng imagination ko.

Tama.

Hindi totoo lahat ng nangyayari na ’to.

Bukas ko na lang iisipin kung bakit sa imagination ko ay ka-momol ko si Joaquin. There must be a logical explanation kung bakit. Kung wala man, hahanapan ko ng explanation.

Bukas na.

Bukas na ako mag-iisip.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer. I felt him smirking against my lips. Kahit sa imagination ko ay mayabang pa rin si gago. Kahit saan atang version ng multiverse ay may attitude problem si Joaquin.

I allowed myself to kiss him. Just to get it out of my fucking system. Kasi kahit ilang beses kong i-deny, sexually attracted naman talaga ako sa kanya… kaso lang din kapag nakaka-usap ko siya ay mas nangingibabaw iyong pagka-pikon ko dahil sa nakaka-pikon na ugali niya. Kaya mas mabuti na siguro ’to na sa imagination ko na lang kami magmomol. At least alam ko na iyong pakiramdam—

But then footsteps were sounding louder.

Kasunod ng pagbukas ng pinto at pagpasok namin doon.

“Sorry about that,” he said as he held my face once again and tried to kiss me. I had half a mind to avoid him, but I just told myself to let it be. Panaginip lang naman. Saka sabi nga nila, the more na pinipigilan mo iyong sarili mo, mas macu-curious ka… At least ngayon mababawasan na iyong curiosity ko. Hindi man ito iyong totoong Joaquin, but my imagination was proving to be very—

I let my hands wander around his body. I touched his face down to his chest until my hands were inside his shirt.

“Where do you find time?” I asked when he left my lips momentarily and began kissing my neck.

“Time for what?”

“Exercise,” I replied as I caressed his toned stomach. “Hindi pa ba marami iyong ginagawa mo?”

“I make time for important things,” he said.

Fuck… malala nga talaga iyong imagination ko kagaya ng sinabi ni Joaquin. Bakit nga kaya hindi na lang ako sa Creative Writing? Ganoon ko na ba kakilala si Joaquin na pati mga sagutan niya sa imagination ko ay parang mga sagutan niya talaga sa totoong buhay?

I began to unbutton his pants, but before I could even put my hand inside, he quickly caught it.

“One at a time,” he said while his head was resting on my shoulder. “It’s my first time kissing a guy. We can discuss you touching my dick later.”

“The hell,” sagot ko. “Kahit sa panaginip ko, may attitude problem ka.”

Inalis niya iyong ulo niya sa may balikat ko at tinignan ako. “What?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes. “I said na kahit sa panaginip ko—”

“What dream?” he asked.

“Ito,” sagot ko.

“This?” he asked. “You think you’re dreaming?”

I nodded. “That’s the only logical explanation para sa nangyayari ngayon.”

Joaquin was looking at me, his forehead was slightly creased. He suddenly placed his hand behind me that I almost flinched. Lumalim iyong pagkunot ng noo niya.

“You wound me,” he said and then I heard the sound of the flipping of the switch. A faint light enveloped the entire room. Suddenly, I was faced with Joaquin whose neck and ears were very much red… and his lips looking very sore.

Lumalim din ang pagkunot ng noo ko.

“This is not a dream,” he said directly at me.

Mabilis akong umiling. “This is a vivid dream.”

“Why would you think it’s a dream?” he asked. “You having wet dreams about me?”

The fuck?! Ilang version ba ng tao na ’to ang meron?!

“No!” mabilis na sagot ko.

“Really? You’ve never touched yourself at the thought of me?”

“No—”

“Liar,” he said as he took steps backward hanggang maupo na siya sa kama—na para bang alam na alam niya na mayroon ng kama sa likuran niya. He sat down and looked at me. I looked back at him… and then looked around. “This is the guest room,” he continued.

Napa-hawak ako sa labi ko. “What the fuck?!” malakas na sigaw ko.

“What?” he asked. “I thought we both had fun.”

“Akala ko hindi—” I said and then stopped. “And sinabi mo na straight ka!”

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

“So bakit mo ako hinalikan?!”

He shrugged again. “It was dark… and I’m drunk.”

“Bullshit. Lasing ka? Talaga?”

He nodded. “You were there. You saw how many drinks I had.”

Gusto ko na lang mapa-sabunot sa buhok ko dahil hindi ko na maintindihan iyong nangyayari. Para akong nagka-whiplash sa lahat ng naganap nitong 24 hours—heck, ni wala pa ngang 24 hours! Dapat siguro talaga e sumama na lang ako kina James—

“Where are you going?” tanong ni Joaquin nang mabilis akong lumabas. Naka-yuko ako dahil baka may maka-kita sa akin. Paano ko ieexplain iyong namamaga kong labi?! Kaka-die down nga lang nung issue namin ni Joaquin tapos dadagdagan ko pa? Tapos this time e wala na akong matinong explanation kasi paano ba ieexplain ’yon?

Tangina talaga ng trip ng taong ’yon! Ano ’yon? Hinalikan niya lang ako for fun?!

Nagbook ako ng sasakyan. Na-double pa iyong bayad ko kasi naka-pin iyong club na pupuntahan ko dapat kaya lang ay biglang nagbago iyong isip ko. Sigurado ako na magtatanong sa akin sila James. Hindi maikakaila sa itsura ko na may naka-momol ako. Kahit nga itong driver ng Grab e iba ang tingin sa akin. Tsk! Oo na, i-judge na niya ako! Kasi kahit ako e gustong sakalin iyong sarili ko dahil sa lahat naman ng imo-momol ko, iyong psychotic na si Joaquin pa!

---

“May sakit ka talaga?” tanong ni Andrew nang buksan ko iyong pinto. Naka-suot ako ng facemask dahil namamaga pa rin iyong labi ko. Hindi na tinablan ng ice cubes. Taena talaga si Joaquin! Lamok ba siya?! Bakit kinagat niya ata labi ko?!

Nagtext ako kay Andrew kagabi na ’di na ako makaka-daan sa club dahil masakit kako bigla iyong ulo ko. Sa kanya ako nagtext dahil kapag kay James, sigurado na maraming tanong ’yon. Bigla naman siyang sumulpot ngayon dito. Nakaka-touch na may kaibigan ako na i-ccheck talaga kung humihinga pa ako kaya lang… ang wrong timing ngayon.

“What?” I asked nang nakita ko na naka-kunot iyong noo ni Andrew. Bigla niyang itinuro iyong sa may leeg ko. Napa-hawak ako doon tapos bigla akong nagka-flashback sa kagabi nun—

Napa-abot ako sa cellphone ko at saka binuksan iyong camera. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang makita ko na may hickey ako sa leeg ko. Tangina talaga non! Paano ko tatakpan ’to?! Ang dark nung kulay! Hindi kakayanin ng concealer tapos mas halata naman kung lalagyan ko ng bandaid. Mukha naman akong tanga kung magsusuot ako ng turtleneck. Mas okay pa atang magsuot ako ng neckbrace—

Napa-hawak ako sa ulo ko. God. Magkaka-sakit nga ata talaga ako.

“Okay ka lang?” Andrew asked.

I nodded kahit hindi. “Wag mong sabihin kay James,” I said.

He nodded. “Okay.”

Ginawan ko ng kape kaming dalawa. Nagdala si Andrew ng lugaw at saka gamot. Hindi ko sanay iinumin kaya lang lalagnatin ata talaga ako sa mga nangyari kahapon. Habang naka-upo ay iniisip ko kung gaano nga ba ulit katagal nawawala iyong hickey? Buti weekend ngayon, pero papasok din ako sa Monday—

“Hindi mo ako tatanungin?” I asked him dahil tahimik lang siya na nagcecellphone habang nagkaka-existential crisis ako.

Umiling siya. “Not really.”

“Hindi ka interesado?”

Umiling ulit siya. Tsk. Medyo nakaka-inis din pala kapag hindi chismoso iyong kaibigan mo. Hindi ba pwedeng pilitin niya ako nang konti? Gusto ko rin naman ng third person’s opinion sa mga nangyari kagabi.

“May hypothetical question ako,” sabi ko kahit for sure alam naman ni Andrew na hindi ’to hypothetical. Pero hindi naman kasi judgmental na tao ’to kaya sigurado ako na logical—ugh. Ayang salita na naman. Nagkaka-warflashbacks ako kahit kagabi lang naman nangyari ’yon!

“Kung may kaibigan ka na straight tapos… bigla kang hinalikan… ano’ng ibig sabihin non?”

“I’ll need more context,” he said.

I groaned. “Based lang doon.”

“But how did it happen? Maybe there are other deciding factors—”

“Basta hinalikan niya lang ako—” Natigilan ako. “I mean hinalikan niya iyong kaibigan ko. Pero lasing daw siya—allegedly. As in halik na may kasamang tongue and everything at mukhang makaka-buo na ata ng album sa dami ng kantang lumipas bago natapos iyong makeout,” mabilis na paliwanag ko. Sapat na siguro na context ’yon.

“Maybe it’s just the alcohol,” sabi niya.

“Seriously?” Tumango siya. “Bakit? Humalik ka ba ng babae kapag lasing ka?”

Umiling siya. “But I’ve seen our friends kiss the trashcan kapag sobrang lasing sila. Anything is possible with drunk people.”

Hmm… Tama naman siya. Napanood ko nga dati si James na habulin iyong sarili niyang anino. Mukhang tanga siya, pero nakaka-tawa kapag pinapanood mo.

“Okay. Tama,” sabi ko. “Ano ang dapat gawin ngayon ng kaibigan ko? Umarte na walang nangyari? Ganon dapat, noh?” He shrugged. I clicked on my tongue. “Kung ikaw iyong kaibigan ko, ano ang gagawin mo?” I asked dahil kailangan ko talaga ng tulong. Makikita ko na naman iyong animal na ’yon sa Wednesday!

“Are we good friends?”

“Hindi!”

“Ah… Then I’ll act normally,” sabi ni Andrew. “It’s just kiss.”

“Tama, tama,” sabi ko kahit parang hindi lang naman kiss ’yon—hinalikan niya ako hanggang sa mamaga iyong labi ko. “Kiss lang naman ’yon. So, what? Hindi naman namin—I mean, hindi naman first kiss nilang dalawa ’yon, for sure.”

Buong weekend ay nasa condo lang ako. Lumabas din pala ako para magjogging dahil para akong mababaliw dahil, against my will, ay nagfa-flashback iyong makeout namin nung party. Paano kaya kung hindi ko na-realize na hindi pala panaginip ’yon? Pero pinigilan din naman niya ako na hawakan—

“Fuck!” sabi ko nung natisod ako sa may bato dahil biglang nagvibrate iyong phone ko. I was wincing as I checked my phone.

‘You home?’

Ano na naman kailangan ng epal na ’to sa ’kin?

Hindi ako sumagot. Sinigurado ko na naka-on iyong read receipt ko para alam niya na nabasa ko iyong message niya, pero ayaw ko siyang kausapin.

‘I’ll send you something. Tell me if you can receive it.’

Huminga ako nang malalim. Baka tungkol sa org ’to. Nagreply ako na pauwi pa lang ako. Saktong pagdating ko ay may delivery guy na may iniabot sa akin na maliit na paper bag. Buti na lang at delivery guy iyon. Wala akong tiwala kay Joaquin. Akala ko e ginagago na naman ako non at biglang magpapa-kita sa harapan ko at sisirain iyong weekend ko.

’Ano ‘to?’ tanong ko sa kanya nang makita ko na may maliit na tube ng cream doon sa loob.

‘For your sore lips. It’s effective,’ sabi niya tapos ay biglang may dumating na isa pang notification… only this time, it was a photo of his lips with some cream on it. Agad na napaawang iyong labi ko. This fucking psychopathic asshole!

**

This story is already at Chapter 14 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 8

“What?” I asked nang mapansin ko na naka-tingin sa akin si James at naka-kunot ang noo. Nasa university cafeteria kami ngayon. Sa swerte ko nga naman, nandon din si Joaquin kasama iyong cohort niya. Seriously… mas weird ata kapag nakita ko iyong tao na ’yon mag-isa. He’s always around people.

Pero ang nakaka-banas, dahil marami siyang kasama, may mga naka-kita rin nang kumaway siya sa akin. I was forced against my will to acknowledge him dahil baka ma-issue na naman kami kapag ’di ko siya pinansin. Tsk. Ito talaga iyong sinasabi nila na karma siguro… Ako iyong nagbabalak na bwisitin si Joaquin, but for some reason, ako na iyong napu-pwersa na i-acknowledge siya in public.

“Kailan pa kayo naging close?” tanong ni James habang bahagyang naka-kunot iyong noo.

I scoffed. “Close… Binu-bwisit lang ako noon,” sabi ko habang ibinalik iyong tingin ko sa pagkain ko. Napa-tingin ako saglit kay Andrew na naka-tingin lang sa cellphone niya. Wala ba talagang pakielam si Andrew o talagang solid na kaibigan siya na hindi ako ilalaglag sa mga kalokohan na ginagawa ko? For sure naman kahit anong hypothetical na sitwasyon pa ang sabihin ko sa kanya, halata naman na kami ni Joaquin iyong sinasabi ko.

“Hmm…” sabi na lang ni James, but knowing him, this would not be the last I’d hear about this issue.

The rest of the day, umattend lang ako ng mga klase ko. Medyo marami akong gagawin kaya naman dumaan muna ako sa coffee shop para bumili ng kape. Mukhang magpupuyat na naman ako. Sa future kaya magkaka-option na na i-direkta sa ugat ko ’yung caffeine para mas effective?

“I’ll pay for his drink. I’ll get an Iced Americano.”

Napa-tingin ako sa gilid ko nang makita ko si Joaquin. He was smiling at me as he handed his black credit card to the cashier. I had always found his smile unnerving kasi alam mo ’yon? Parang ang peke? Pero ngayon… creepy na. Kasi paano niya ako nagagawang ngitian pagkatapos ng kalalabaghan na ginawa namin nung party?!

“Thank you isn’t really a part of your vocabulary, huh?”

“Pinilit ba kitang bayaran ’yung kape ko? May pambayad naman ako.”

There was a small amused smile on his face. Sarap burahin. “True… you also didn’t thank me when I sent you the ointment.”

Against my will, namula agad iyong tenga ko. Kitang-kita ko na nag-e-enjoy si Joaquin sa reaction ko. Lecheng tenga naman kasi ’to!

“Franco,” he called.

“Ano?” naiinis na tawag ko. Matagal pa ba ’yung kape ko? Bawat segundo na kausap ko ’tong tao na ’to, parang nababawasan iyong life span ko!

Joaquin leaned in a bit. Pakiramdam ko e nagtaasan iyong balahibo sa bawat parte ng katawan ko. May tipos talaga ’tong lalaki na ’to! Kapag merong ibang tao, at least nagpapanggap naman siyang normal. Kapag kaming dalawa lang, nag-i-iba ang ugali!

“I think you used the wrong shade of concealer,” he whispered. He leaned back and then smiled at me as he grabbed his iced coffee na bakit ngayon lang dumating?! Dapat kanina pa para hindi ko na narinig iyong sinabi niya!

Halos ma-brainfreeze ako dahil sa bilis ng pag-inom ko ng kape dahil pakiramdam ko ay maha-highblood na talaga ako kay Joaquin! Pagdating ko sa condo, chineck ko iyong leeg ko. Hindi naman masyadong halata. I mean if halata, malamang sa malamang e hindi ako tatantanan ni James kaka-tanong kung saan nanggaling iyong hickey sa leeg ko. Mapu-pwersa ako na mag-imbento ng kwento kasi magpapasagasa muna ako bago sabihin sa kanya na naka-makeout ko si Joaquin—na hanggang ngayon e nirereject pa rin ng utak ko.

“Epal talaga ’yon,” sabi ko kasi hindi naman talaga halata. Baka napansin niya lang kasi alam niya kung saan naka-lagay kasi siya iyong nag— “Ugh! Peste talaga!” I shouted against my pillow.

---

Almost 11PM na pero malayo pa rin ako sa katotohanan. Wala ng mailabas na mga salita iyong utak ko kaya naman napagdesisyunan ko na lumabas muna para maglakad-lakad. Naka-suot lang ako ng shorts at saka hoodie. Balak ko lang namang magvape pagkatapos ko bumili ng pagkain sa convenience store.

“Nice… may stars pa pala dito?” sabi ko nang mapa-tingin ako sa langit at naka-kita ako ng mga bituin. Akala ko sa sobrang kapal ng polusyon sa lugar na ’to e hindi na ako makaka-kita non.

I took a quick snap at saka pinost ko sa Instagram. Pumunta ako sa convenience store at saka bumili ng ice cream. Bibili din sana ako ng slurpie kaya lang naisip ko na puro kape lang—

Tsk. Kapag kape, naiisip ko agad si Joaquin. Balak niya bang i-associate ang sarili niya sa lahat ng bagay na nakakapagpasaya sa akin?!

Naupo muna ako sa bench habang inuubos ko iyong ice cream ko. Nagcheck ako ng Instagram para tignan ulit iyong story ko—sue me, I am my number one fan.

“…the fuck?” mahinang sabi ko nang makita ko na may joaquin na naka-heart doon sa post ko.

Curiosity got the best of me… I clicked on his profile. Naka-private iyon, pero may more than 13 thousand followers. Nagprivate pa siya kung 13 thousand din nakaka-kita ng posts niya?!

I clicked on the profile picture. It was a black and white photo of his face. This narcissistic son of a bitch. Tapos joaquin lang ang username niya? Binili niya pa ba ’yon?

Tsk. Bakit ba ako lang nakaka-pansin ng ugali na ’to ni Joaquin? Kasi kapag naririnig ko pa rin na pinag-uusapan siya ng ibang tao, akala mo ang bait niya. Kung alam lang nila. May tipos ’yung tao na ’yon. Straight daw pero nanghahalik ng kapwa niya lalaki!

Hindi naman siya naka-follow sa akin. Binago ko iyong setting ko na ang pwede lang magreply sa stories ko at magmessage sa akin ay mga mutuals ko. Bahala siya d’yan. Wala akong balak i-follow siya kaya hinding-hindi kami magiging mutuals.

‘Why can’t I message you in IG now?’

Speak of the devil.

Ilang segundo na naka-tingin lang ako sa text niya. Ano ba’ng trip ng tao na ’to? Impossible naman na bored siya dahil sigurado ako na marami siyang ginagawa—considering na business ad student siya tapos vice-president pa ng arguably isa sa pinaka-busy at pinaka-malaking org sa school.

Kung pwede ko lang din siya i-block sa iMessage kaya lang doon din kami nag-uusap tungkol sa org.

“Shit!” malakas na sigaw ko nung bumagsak ’yung cellphone sa sahig dahil sa gulat. Hindi naman kami iyong tipo na nagtatawagan just because! Ano ba’ng trip ng tao na ’to?! Hindi niya na pwedeng sabihin sa akin na lasing siya! Ano na naman ang bagong excuse niya?

Ayoko sanang sagutin iyong tawag niya, pero for some reason, knowing how weird he’s been acting lately, may pakiramdam ako na tatadtarin niya ako ng tawag hanggang hindi ako sumasagot.

“Ano?” sabi ko nang sagutin ko iyong tawag.

“Hello to you, too,” sabi niya.

“Tsk. Bakit ka tumatawag?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“For a reason.”

“And what reason may that be?”

“I don’t owe you an explanation.”

I heard his crisp laugh. Akala ko joke lang iyong sinasabi nila na rich people laugh, pero kapag tumatawa si Joaquin, bukod sa creepy, para rin akong nakaka-kita ng dollar signs.

“But why can’t I message you in IG?”

“For mutuals only ’yung setting ko.”

“Really? It wasn’t like that before.”

“Pano mo nalaman? Tinry mo akong i-message?” I asked, with my brow arched, challenging him kasi ano? Aamin siya na ime-message niya ako sa IG? Talaga? Nasisiraan na siya ng bait?

“Was planning on it,” sagot niya.

“Ulul.”

Ayan na naman iyong rich people laugh. “Curious what I was supposed to message you?”

“Asa ka pa.”

He laughed again. “So, are you saying that if I want to message you there, I have to follow you?”

“And I have to follow you, as well. ’Di mo ba alam meaning ng mutual?”

“Of course I do. I’m smart, remember? That’s the reason why you followed me around during the first week, right?”

I groaned. Taena. Hindi ba pwede ibaon sa limot ’yon?! Totoo rin talaga iyong sinasabi nila na never meet your heroes. Bilib na bilib pa ako kay Joaquin noon tapos ngayon, gusto ko na siyang burahin sa mundo sa pagka-epal niya.

“Feeling ka lang,” pagdedeny ko. “Kung wala ka naman palang sasabihin, bye na,” I continued before I ended the call bago pa kung ano na naman sabihin ng epal na ’to. Wala naman ’tong ginawa kundi sirain ang araw ko.

Pero dahil pinaglihi ata sa sama ng loob iyong tao na ’yon, tumawag na naman siya. Ni-reject ko iyong tawag. Tumawag na naman siya. Ni-reject ko ulit. Para kaming gago na iyon lang ang ginagawa ng ilang minuto. Nung chineck ko ’yung call log, he did call me 15 times and I rejected him 15 times as well. Tignan mo ’to! Mukhang gago talaga!

‘You always make face when I say hi to you in public,’ biglang message niya. Finally. Sumuko na siya sa pagtawag sa akin! ‘People will think we’re closer now if I follow you in IG.’

’Ano ‘yang following list mo? VIP list?’

‘Pretty much yeah.’

‘Ang yabang.’

‘Nah. I just know who I am.’

Sana nasa harapan ko siya para nakita niya iyong reaction ko sa mga kagaguhan na sinasabi niya.

‘I’ll follow you. Follow me back.’

‘Asa.’

‘Come on. Follow me back. I don’t want to look like a fan.’

‘Fan? At this point mas mukha kang stalker.’

‘Lol I don’t even know where you are right now,’ message niya. ‘Speaking of, where are you? Still outside stargazing?’

Napaawang iyong labi ko. The fuck… ganito ba ang galawan dito sa Maynila?!

‘Nasa condo na ako. Matutulog na ako.’

‘Oh cool. I’ll be there in 10 minutes—20 if it’s traffic.’

Hindi na siya nagreply nung nagtext ako at nagtatanong kung bakit siya nandito at kung ano ang gagawin niya! Bakit ko pa kasi sinabi sa kanya kung saan ako naka-tira?!

Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ba siya o nagjojoke, pero after 13 minutes, naka-receive ako ng ‘I’m here’ mula sa kanya.

‘Ulol.’

Nababanas ako dahil bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko nang magsend siya ng selfie tapos background ’yung building ng condo ko. Nasa loob siya ng sasakyan niya—iyong sasakyan niya na pinagpantasyahan ko na masakyan noon nung hindi ko pa alam na may sira siya sa utak.

‘Matutulog na ko.’

Mabuti na lang talaga at naka-suot ako ng hoodie dahil walang ibang daan kung hindi iyong sa harapan ng building kung saan naka-park iyong sasakyan ni Joaquin. Sinuot ko iyong mismong hoodie at pasimple akong naglakad. I mean, ’di naman siguro niya malalaman na ako ’yon!

Pakiramdam ko mas kahina-hinala ako kapag tumakbo kaya naman pa-simple lang ako na naglalakad. Ni hindi ako naka-tingin sa sasakyan niya dahil baka mas mapansin ako.

“Konti na lang—”

“Liar.”

“Tangina naman, bakit ba napaka-hilig mong manggulat?!” sabi ko nang bigla-bigla na lang siyang magsalita sa gilid ko. Naka-hawak ako sa dibdib ko dahil parang tatalon na ’yon palabas sa sobrang bilis niya.

I glared at Joaquin. Tawang-tawa siya sa pagkagulat ko. Ang bata-bata ko pa para atakihin sa puso! Dahil ba ’to sa kape na ang dumadaloy sa mga ugat ko?!

“I thought you were already about to sleep?” he asked with his brow slightly arched.

Naka-hawak pa rin ako sa dibdib ko dahil ang bilis pa rin ng kabog ng puso ko dahil sa taenang epal na ’to. “Bakit ka ba nandito?” pag-iiba ko ng topic dahil mapapahiya lang ako sa kasinungalingan ko.

He shrugged. “I’ve been studying for hours now. I was about to go for a drive to clear my mind when I saw your IG story.”

“Oh, tapos? Nasa akin ba ’yung manibela ng sasakyan mo?”

This time, in person ko na narinig ’yung rich person laugh. Medyo sumingkit iyong mga mata niya dahil naka-tawa siya. Saka ko lang din napansin na medyo mas relaxed iyong suot niya ngayon compared sa kapag nakikita ko siya na laging formal at parang ready na magspeech. Ngayon? He looked like a normal college student.

“Like what you see?” he arrogantly asked nang mapansin niya na naka-tingin ako sa kanya.

I groaned. “Paano mo ba ako nakita? Nagtatago na nga ako kanina!”

He laughed again. “Well, you looked really suspicious while walking,” sabi niya. “And you’re wearing our school’s hoodie—not exactly incognito.”

Napa-tingin ako sa suot ko. Fuck. Kaya pala. Akala ko naman napaka-creepy niya na talaga na tao na tipo na kahit naka-disguise na ako e makikilala niya pa rin ako.

“Fine, fine, whatever. Ikaw na magaling,” sabi ko tapos ay humakbang ako para lagpasan na siya dahil tuwing kausap ko ang tao na ’to, para akong nauubusan ng lifespan.

“Where are you going?” he asked, holding me by my arm.

“Uuwi na.”

“Don’t you want to go for a drive?” he asked habang diretsong naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. His head was slightly tilted to the side like he was seducing me to accept his offer.

“Ayoko,” sabi ko. Tama. Matino talaga ako mag-isip basta walang alak na involved!

“Come on,” he said, trying to pull my arm. “I drove all the way here.”

“Baliw. Nandon ka lang sa kabilang condo.”

A grin appeared on his face. “How did you know where I live?” he asked using a teasing tone.

“Narinig ko lang sa iba.”

“Hmm… so, your ears perk up when you hear my name in other people’s conversation?”

Oh, my god! Hindi niya ba ako tatantanan?!

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Sa paraan pa lang ng pagtingin niya, alam ko na hindi siya aalis dito hanggang hindi niya nakukuha ang gusto niya. I mean, he’s the VP of Marketing. Malamang alam niya kung paano mangumbinsi at paano makuha ang gusto niya.

I glared at him. “Fine,” I said. “Pero dadaan tayo sa drive thru at bibilan mo ako ng kape.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 19 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 9

“What?” I asked nang makita ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin. Kaka-tapos ko lang umorder at hinihintay na lang namin na ibigay sa amin iyong order namin. Iniiwasan ko talaga na ilibot iyong mga mata ko sa interior ng sasakyan niya kasi sigurado ako na may sasabihin na naman ’tong tao na ’to na makakapagpa-inis sa akin. Pero hindi niya naman ako mapipigilan na huminga. Ano kaya ang pabango nito? Amoy na amoy sa loob ng sasakyan niya, e.

“Nothing,” he said as he gently tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “I just thought that you’re a bit shameless.” Napaawang ang labi ko. He said that so casually like it was just an observation. “I mean, it’s fine, tho. I did say that I’ll buy you coffee.”

“Ikaka-hirap mo ba ’yung order ko?” masama ang tingin na tanong ko sa kanya.

Sumandal siya at saka bahagyang binaling sa akin iyong ulo niya. “No, but usually, when I tell people that I’ll treat them, they don’t make it to a point to order the whole menu.”

I scoffed as I crossed my arms. “Well, nagpapa-impress sa ’yo ’yung mga tao na ’yon.”

“And you’re not?” he asked as he laid his head on the steering wheel and then faced me as he asked that question. The fuck was his problem? Nagpapa-cute ba ’tong psychopath na ’to?

“Hindi,” sagot ko. “Dati siguro, oo, pero ngayon, alam ko na na sira-ulo ka.”

He was just looking at me that I started to feel unnerved. Ano ba ang tumatakbo sa utak ng isang ’to? He was staring at my face like he was studying me. Gaano ba kami kalayo ngayon sa condo ko? Mahal ba kung mag-grab na lang ako pauwi? Mukhang imbes na mag-unwind e mase-stress lang ako lalo dahil sa kanya.

“Why do you think I’m crazy?” he asked habang naka-tingin pa rin sa akin.

Nasaan na ba ’yung kape ko? Pwede bang mag-eat and run na lang ako?

I shrugged tapos ay ibinaling ko iyong ulo ko doon sa may bintana. Gabi na talaga—halos madaling araw na nga. Konti na lang ang tao sa paligid. Dapat nga nasa condo na ako ngayon at pinagpapatuloy iyong school works ko, pero for some reason, nauto na naman ako ng tao na ’to.

“Sa tingin mo?” balik tanong ko sa kanya habang sa labas pa rin naka-tingin.

“Hmm… I don’t know. I think I’ve been perfectly nice.”

I scoffed as I looked at him. “Seryoso ka?”

He nodded like he was innocent and clueless sa mga ginawa at sinabi niya sa akin dati. “You basically threatened me sa CR dati na hindi ka bakla tapos biglang hahalikan mo ako?! Tapos para kang baliw na hindi makapagdesisyon kung ayaw mo sa akin o gusto mo akong maging kaibigan!”

He slowly and calmly nodded which only pissed me off dahil ang dating e parang ako pa iyong may problema sa aming dalawa—na para bang siya pa iyong calm and collected at ako iyong delirious.

“In my defense, you did follow me around the first few weeks,” he said. “Do we agree?” he continued as he looked at me. Tumingin ulit ako sa labas. Totoo naman kasi. “I’ll take your silence as a yes.”

Nasaan na ba ’yung kape?

“And after following me around, you grabbed my dick.”

Kaya pala wala pa ’yung kape… kasi kung nandito na, malamang nabulunan ako dahil sa pagka-casual nung pagkaka-sabi niya na—

“Natapon ’yung beer!”

He shrugged. “Allegedly.”

“Ano’ng allegedly?! ’Di mo ba alam meaning ng allegedly?!”

Pakshet na tao talaga ’to! Hina-highblood na ako sa kanya, pero siya tinatawanan lang ako!

“Point is, we got off on the wrong foot,” sabi niya.

“Hindi ko dinakma—” Fuck! Ang pangit pakinggan! Ramdam ko iyong pamumula ng buong mukha ko dahil sa stress sa kanya. Hindi na ata ako dapat magkape dahil baka atakihin na ako sa puso sa mga pinagsasabi niya. “Natapon ’yung beer,” pag-uulit ko. “In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done that but…” Saglit kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko at saka huminga nang malalim. “Point is, I did not grab you.”

He looked at me and smiled. “Okay,” sabi niya. “But then you agree that we just got off on the wrong foot?” he repeated again.

Hindi ata talaga ako mananalo sa kanya. Bakit ang galing niyang magpa-ikot ng usapan para makuha niya ang gusto niya? Mai-google nga mamaya kung isa ba ’yon sa mga signs ng pagiging psychopath.

“Whatever,” sabi ko at saka napa-hinga ako nang maluwag nang finally ay dumating na iyong orders ko.

Inabot sa akin ni Joaquin iyong inorder ko na iced coffee pati iyong dalawang panini sandwich, dalawang cheesecake, at isang fruit cup.

“Ano na naman?” he asked when he was looking at me habang nasa may kandungan ko iyong paper bag na puno ng pagkain.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Pwede ba akong kumain dito o maarte ka?” I asked dahil may konsiderasyon naman ako kahit papaano.

“It’s fine,” he replied as he began to drive.

The drive was surprisingly quiet. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan kami papunta. At this point, wala na rin naman akong magagawa kaya naman inenjoy ko na lang iyong pagkain ko habang nakikinig ako sa kanta. In fairness sa kanya, maganda iyong playlist niya.

“Joaquin,” pagtawag ko.

“Yeah?” sagot niya habang nasa daan pa rin ang tingin.

“Pwedeng gamitin ’yon?” I asked. Tumingin siya sa akin at saka tumingin siya sa kamay ko na naka-turo sa may sunroof niya.

“You wanna stand up?” he asked.

I nodded. I gave up earlier and decided to fully check his car out. It was clean—walang bahid ng kahit anong kalat… o baka nasanay lang ako sa sasakyan ng mga kaibigan ko na minsan gusto ko na silang tanungin kung doon ba sila naka-tira dahil nandon na ata iyong buong buhay nila? Iyong sasakyan ni Joaquin, kung sinabi niya sa akin na brand new iyon, maniniwala ako. Kahit sahig, walang bakas ng dumi, e.

“Sure,” sabi niya. “Just be careful. Have you watched Hereditary ?” Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Natawa siya. “What? Changed your mind?” he asked, his tone playful this time.

“Tsk. ’Wag na. Baka may masamang plano ka sa ’kin.”

He laughed. “Come on… I thought we decided to be friends now?”

“Friends?” I scoffed. “Asa ka pa.”

“What? You’re even in my car, eating the food I bought for you.”

“Kasi kinidnap mo ako.”

“You willingly got in my car.”

“Check your definition of willingly. You basically badgered me into getting in your car.”

He chuckled. “Yeah… I do that sometimes.”

“At least aware ka.”

“Why? Is it wrong?” he asked. “My parents told me that if I want something, I have to do something to get it—otherwise, I can only blame myself if I lose it.”

“Kahit against sa will ng ibang tao?”

He shrugged. “If you really didn’t want to get in my car, there’s nothing I can do—it wasn’t as if I’ll physically drag you in,” sabi niya. “The fact that you’re here means that you wanted to be here.”

“Tss.” Tumingin ako sa labas ulit. Papasok na kami sa isang bridge. Ang daming ilaw. May ganitong parte pala sa Manila? Akala ko medyo nalibot ko na lahat lalo na nung pasaway era ko nung first year pa ako… As it turned out, may hindi pa pala ako napupuntahan.

Joaquin clicked something and I heard the sunroof opening. I looked at him.

“You won’t get beheaded here,” sabi niya. I glared at him. He chuckled. “Come on.”

Binalaan ko ulit siya na kapag natanggalan ako ng ulo, siya ang magkaka-trauma dahil maiiwan sa sasakyan niya iyong katawan ko na walang ulo. He told me I was morbid before urging me again na tumayo na.

And I did.

And wow, I was glad that I did.

Joaquin stepped on the gas. I felt the wind against my face as I enjoyed the lights around me. The experience only lasted for a minute but wow… it was one for the books, definitely.

“Ano na naman?” sabi ko nang makita ko na natawa siya nung naupo na ulit ako.

Instead of answering, he reached his hand out at saka binaba iyong salamin. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang makita ko na parang pugad ng ibon iyong buhok ko sa sobrang gulo. I quickly tried to pacify my hair, but to no avail. Tinatawanan lang ako ni Joaquin. Pakshet talaga ’to.

---

It was a little after 1AM nang maka-balik kami sa harapan ng condo ko. Gusto ko na agad lumabas kaya lang parang ang bastos ko naman.

“Thanks,” sabi ko na lang para ’di naman totally bastos. Nasa may bukasan na ng pinto iyong kamay ko.

“So, friends?” sabi niya.

Lumingon ulit ako sa kanya at saka kumunot ang noo. “Why?” I asked.

“What do you mean why? “

Hindi agad ako nagsalita. This was just… weird. I felt like there’s an ulterior motive somewhere here. It was just impossible na for weeks—even months—iritang-irita siya sa akin… tapos biglang ano? Gusto niya na akong maging kaibigan?

Sure ako pinagti-tripan ako ng tao na ’to.

“Whatever,” sabi ko na lang dahil alam ko na kung hindi ako papayag, baka hanggang alas-tres kami dito dahil sa personality niya, hindi nga ata siya naturuan ng magulang niya ng concept ng i-respeto ang desisyon ng ibang tao. Ipipilit niya lang ang gusto niya hanggang makuha niya iyon.

“So, we’re friends?”

“Kung san ka masaya,” sabi ko.

“Okay,” he said with a small smile. “You’ll follow me in IG?”

“Kung may sasabihin ka sa akin, i-text mo na lang ako.”

“Fine,” sabi niya. “Just change your settings in IG.”

“Ang kulit mo.”

“What if I want to reply to your stories?”

“I-text mo na lang.”

“So complicated.”

“Para less complicated, ’wag mo na lang i-view iyong stories ko.”

He looked at me like he was trying to decide if this was the hill that I’d die on.

“Fine,” he said, finally giving up.

“Cool,” I replied tapos ay finally naka-labas na ako sa sasakyan niya. Dala-dala ko iyong isang paperbag ng pagkain na na-libre ko—pero considered as libre pa ba ’to? Para akong nabawasan ng few days dahil sa stress sa pagkausap sa kanya!

Pagbalik ko sa condo, I took a quick shower. Tapos bago ako mag-aral ulit, chineck ko iyong setting ng Instagram.

“Hay salamat,” sabi ko nang makita ko na may option pala na i-hide sa kanya iyong stories ko kahit hindi naman kami naka-follow sa isa’t-isa. Impossible na malaman niya na naka-hide… unless baliw talaga siya at magdecide siya na gumawa ng isa pang account para lang i-check kung may story ako at hindi lang visible sa kanya… pero knowing him at ang topak niya, malamang sa malamang ay gagawin niya ’yon.

“Tsk. Bahala siya d’yan.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 20 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 10

Hindi ko alam kung bakit isa sa mga problema ko ay ang baka guluhin ako ni Joaquin ngayong midterms period… I mean, you’ll never know kapag may topak ang isang tao! But then again, nalimutan ko ata na bukod sa pagiging abnormal ay honor student din nga pala siya. Hindi sa hinahanap ko siya, but a week before midterms and during the midterms, wala akong narinig ni isang salita mula sa kanya. I wanted to think that this was peace… but when it came to him, parang mas appropriate iyong calm before the storm.

“Shet talaga. Plan B ko na ata ang diploma,” sabi ni James nung finally ay nagkita-kita na kami. Mag-isa lang din kasi talaga ako kapag nag-aaral. Na-try ko na kasama si James dati. Ayoko. Ang daldal. E madaldal din ako. E ’di nagdaldalan na lang kami.

“Ano’ng Plan A?”

“Mag-asawa ng mayaman,” seryosong sabi niya. “Kaya mas kailangan kong galingan.”

Natawa ako. “Bakit? Dati ba wala kang ambag?”

Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. “Excuse me,” he said, scoffing. “Ako pa? Ako pa hiningan mo ng ambag?”

Tinakpan ko iyong tenga ko dahil alam ko na iyong susunod na mga salitang lalabas sa bibig niya. Mabuti na lang at walang masyadong tao sa paligid namin—at kung meron man, may sari-sarili silang mundo dahil lahat ata kami ay nasa point pa ng nagmemental computation kung kaya pa bang habulin iyong grades namin o idadaan na lang sa matinding dasal sa finals period.

Habang sinusubukan ni James na mawalan ako ng gana para kumain ng dinner, naramdaman ko iyong pagva-vibrate ng cellphone ko.

“Pupunta ka?” biglang tanong ni James na sumilip pala sa phone ko. May group message mula sa org na may post midterms party… sa bahay ni Joaquin. Kinilabutan ako nang maisip ko pa lang na pupunta ulit ako doon! May traumatic memories pa ako!

Agad kong tinago ulit ’yung phone ko sa bulsa. “Hindi,” sagot ko. “May lakad ba kayo?”

“Why? Sasama ka?” Tumango ako. “Himala!”

“Tss. Pero meron nga?”

“Duh. After exams, automatic na may inom,” sabi ni James.

Kumain muna kami ng dinner habang hinihintay si Andrew na nagconsult ata sa prof niya. May pagka-grade conscious din kasi ’yon. ’Di papalagpasin kahit 0.5. Bakit kaya hindi ako ganon? Kung siguro may discrepancy sa grading ng exam ko pero hindi naman ’yung tipo na matter of pass or fail, hahayaan ko na lang. Iniisip ko pa lang na kakausapin ko prof ko, nase-stress na agad ako, e.

Naghiwalay kami ni James after dinner para makapagbihis kami. In fairnes… ngayon lang ako ulit pupunta sa club! Akala ko e medyo impossible, pero kinakaya naman. O dahil lang sa sobrang dami din ng ginagawa ko kaya wala na akong oras isipin ’yon? Pero hindi rin… Marami din namang ginagawa sila James, pero nasisingit nila ’yon.

Pero iba naman kami. Bakit ko ba kinu-kumpara ako sa kanila? May goal ako kaya mas kailangan kong magfocus don.

I took a long shower. Nakaka-miss din pala maligo na wala kang iniisip na exam habang nasa ilalim ka ng shower o kaya nagme-memorize habang nagsasabon ng katawan. Tsk. Second year pa lang ako. Dalawang taon ko pa ’to mararanasan?!

Ilang minuto din akong naka-tayo sa harap ng damitan ko habang namimili ng isusuot. Comeback ko ’to sa club kaya kailangan maayos ang itsura ko. I decided to settle with an all-black outfit—black trousers, black-white sneakers, black short-sleeved polo na unbuttoned iyong first three buttons, and silver cross necklace. Took me more time para ayusin iyong buhok ko dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin dahil hindi pa pala ako nakakapagpa-gupit dahil sa dami ng nangyari sa buhay ko.

“Whoa…” sabi ni James nang makita ako.

“Di tayo talo,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“Pwede naman magswitch.”

I made a face. “Tigilan mo nga ako. Kadiri ka,” sabi ko tapos tinawanan niya lang ako.

Dinaanan namin si Andrew sa condo niya na mukhang problemado. Baka ’di napagbigyan sa 0.5 point niya. Parang pasan ni Andrew iyong mundo hanggang sa makarating kami sa club. Pagpasok namin doon, buti may naka-reserve na table dahil same idea ata lahat ng college students na kaka-tapos lang ng exams.

“Andrew,” malakas na bulong ko sa kanya dahil sa nakaka-bingi na tugtog sa club.

“What?” sabi niya… siguro. ’Di ko marinig dahil nabasag na ata iyong eardrums ko.

“Iinom ako, ha? Sa condo ko ako uuwi,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Okay,” he replied.

“Kapag may lumapit sa akin, hatakin mo ako pabalik.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay. Thanks,” sabi ko at saka nagshot ulit ako ng tequila. Naka-inom na ako nang magaan ang loob dahil alam ko na ’di ako maliligaw ng landas ngayong gabi dahil ’di naman ako papabayaan ni Andrew.

James decided to be friendly tonight. May dala-dala kaming bote ng tequila at kung sinu-sino ang pinapa-shot namin pero kung sinu-sino rin ang nagpapa-shot sa amin. Not very safe but at the same time… fuck it, ang hirap kaya nung exams!

“Fuck, ang init, tangina!” sigaw ko dahil hindi ako maka-alis sa dance floor dahil tuwing gusto ko na umalis dahil ang init, magpapa-tugtog naman ’yung DJ ng kanta na gusto ko. Taena, dito na ata ako titira sa gitna!

“Tangina naman!” sabi ko kasi init na init na ako talaga pero bigla namang pinatugtog iyong Clarity. Pero pakiramdam ko e mahi-heatstroke na ako dahil sa sobrang init kaya naman sinabihan ko si Andrew na lalabas muna ako para magpa-hangin.

Hindi na ako magugulat kung puro ako pasa pagka-gising ko kinabukasan dahil kung saan-saan ako tumama habang naglalakad ako palabas ng club. Weird… it’s been months since I was last here pero parang alam ng mga paa ko kung saan hahakbang para maka-labas. Diretso lang ako hanggang maka-rating ako sa may gilid. I ignored the people who were making out sa parking lot. Good for them.

Inilabas ko iyong vape ko. I got my phone na na-lock pala dahil ilang beses ko ata accidentally napindot kanina. As I was waiting para ma-unlock iyong phone ko, naupo muna ako sa sahig.

Fuck.

I missed this feeling.

Nakaka-miss din pala malasing.

Nakaka-pagod maging ulirang estudyante.

“Oh, no…” sabi ko nang mabasa ko sa screen ng cellphone ko na isang try na lang, mabubura na iyong lahat ng laman ng cellphone ko. “Hala…”

Then I heard someone laughing. I looked up and saw—

“Joaquin?” I asked. Fuck. Gaano na ba ako kalasing para ma-imagine ko na naman ’yung mukha nung hayop na ’yon?

Instead of answering, he squatted down beside me. “You want me to keep your phone?” he asked. Umiling ako tapos niyakap iyong cellphone ko. Natawa siya. “You sure? One more mistake and your phone will get wiped out.”

I eyed him. “Paano mo nalaman?”

“You were talking to yourself,” he said.

“Bakit ka nakikinig?” I asked.

He winced. “Do you know that you’re shouting?”

“Ha?”

“You’re shout—” Napa-hinto siya. “Never mind.”

“Tsk. Bakit ka nandito?” I asked as I stared at my phone again. Tama naman password ko… Binago ko ba? Kanina? Ha? Paano? Hala…

“Curious?” he asked.

“More like scared,” sabi ko. “Stalker ka ba?”

He laughed. “You wish,” sagot niya.

“Bakit ka nandito?”

“Some idiots decided to fight, so there were police involved,” sabi niya.

“Ah…”

“Not gonna ask who are involved?”

Umiling ako. Wala naman akong as in friends sa org. Basta nandon lang ako para gawin lahat ng kailangan kong gawin. Mas okay na ’yon. ’Di ko talaga sila ka-sundo. Siguro kasi medyo kaparehas sila ni Joaquin? Mga… rich kids. Ewan. Basta parang nasa pareho silang mundo lahat tapos outsider ako.

“Tama naman…” I mumbled.

“What?”

“Password ko,” I said as I stared at my phone. “0303,” I whispered as I tried to input the passcode again. “Tama naman…” I continued. I heard him chuckling. “Ano na naman?”

“You’re drunk,” he said. “You typed wrong.”

“Ha?”

“You want me to help?”

“Wala akong tiwala sa ’yo.”

“I thought we’re friends?”

“Tss.”

“I’ll just type your password, I promise,” sabi niya. “One more error and you’ll be locked out. You don’t want to risk that, do you?”

I sighed tapos ay humihit ulit ako sa vape ko. “Fine…”

“Okay,” he said as I handed him my phone. Sinabi niya sa akin iyong password. “I got that right?”

I nodded habang naka-pikit iyong mga mata ko. “Yup. March 3,” sabi ko. “Nung na-receive ko ’yung acceptance letter ko sa university.”

“Is this your dream school?” he asked as he handed me my phone.

“Wow…”

He laughed. “You’re easily impressed when you’re drunk.”

“Tss.”

“Is this your dream school?” he asked again.

“Hindi naman,” sagot ko habang tinitignan iyong phone ko. “Tss. Nagtext ka pala.”

“And you didn’t reply.”

“Nakita mo naman na na-lock ako, ’di ba?” pabalang na sagot ko.

“Hmm.” I ignored him for a while as I went to Instagram and watched the stories that I was tagged in. I reposted some. I was doing that for a while na nalimutan ko na may katabi pala ako. “Nandito ka pa rin?” sabi ko nung na-disappoint ako na nasa tabi ko pa rin siya.

He laughed. “Can’t wait to get rid of me?”

“Oo.”

“Harsh.” I tried to stand up, but I’d been sitting for far too long na muntik na akong matumba. “Careful,” he said as he held me and helped me stand up.

I ran my fingers through my hair. “Ano?” tanong ko nang makita ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin.

There was a small smile on his face. “Nothing.”

“Weirdo,” I mumbled… or said… ewan. Wala na akong pakielam kung narinig niya.

I began walking. Napansin ko na naka-sunod siya sa akin. Lumingon ako. “Papasok ka rin?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Iinom ka?”

“Maybe. Why?”

“Layuan mo ako kung iinom ka.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Why?”

“Baka halikan mo na naman akong bwisit ka tapos sasabihin mo na naman lasing ka,” sabi ko tapos ay mabilis na naglakad ako tapos taena tumama na naman ako sa kung saan. Puro pasa na talaga ako bukas! Binilisan ko pa iyong lakad ko dahil narinig ko iyong pagtawa ni Joaquin. Pakshet talaga ’yung tao na ’yon. Kahit isang gabi ng katahimikan lang ay hindi ako mabigyan!

I got inside and quickly made me way papunta sa may table namin nila James. Tumba na iyong iba tapos may mga nawawala na—pusta ko mga either may inuwi o naiuwi na sila. Malalaki naman na sila. Kaya na nila ’yan.

“Andrew,” sabi ko.

“Yeah?”

“Nandito ’yung epal.” Kumunot iyong noo niya. “Joaquin,” I said. Dapat automatic na na kapag epal, alam niya kung sino ang sinasabi ko.

“Ah. Okay.”

“Ilayo mo ako sa kanya—” sabi ko tapos natigilan ako nang nakita ko na medyo kumunot iyong noo ni Andrew. Sinundan ko kung saan siya naka-tingin. I saw Joaquin sa isang gilid. A girl was talking to him. Wow… kakadating lang niya pero may lumalandi na agad sa kanya. Iba rin talaga ang isang Joaquin Lorenzo Santillan.

Inabot ko iyong isang bote ng tequila na may laman pa. Ininom ko ’yon ng walang asin saka lemon kasi naubos na ata. Fuck. Ang hapdi sa lalamunan. Ramdam ko na iyong hangover. Buti walang pasok bukas.

Para akong tanga na nagsscavenger hunt ng mga natirang alak doon sa mga bote sa table namin.

“Magbabayad lang ako,” sabi ni Andrew sa akin.

I nodded unable to understand what he really was saying. Fuck. Umiikot na talaga iyong paningin ko.

“Transfer ko na lang sa ’yo bukas ’yung bayad ko…” sabi ko nang maka-balik si Andrew. “Sakit na ng ulo ko. Uuwi na ako.”

“Okay,” rinig kong sabi niya habang inaalalayan niya ako na maglakad palabas ng club kasi hilung-hilo na talaga ako.

“Tangina… ’Di na talaga ako iinom…” sabi ko nang magising ako. Naupo ako sa kama ko. Naka-hinga ako nang maluwag nang ma-kumpirma ko na nasa kwarto ko ako. Shit, buti na lang! I mean, sigurado naman ako na ’di ako papabayaan ni Andrew pero kahit na!

Tatayo na sana ako para kumuha ng tubig nang mapansin ko na may baso ng tubig sa may table malapit sa kama ko. Ako ba naglagay nito? Na-anticipate ba ng lasing na version ko na mauuhaw ako pagka-gising ko? Naks naman.

Nang kinuha ko iyong tubig, doon ko lang napansin na may sticky note na naka-dikit doon sa may likod nung baso.

‘You threw up in my car. You owe me a lot.’

“Shit.”

Tatawagan ko sana si Andrew para magsorry nang matigilan ako nang mapagtanto ko na kilala ko iyong handwriting na ’yon… Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko at saka mabilis na naghanap ako ng salamin para i-check kung ano ang itsura ko. Agad na naka-hinga ako nang malalim nang ma-verify ko na hindi namamaga iyong labi ko at walang bakas ng kung anuman iyong katawan ko.

“May sa maligno talaga ’to…” sabi ko nang makita ko na nagnotif tapos pangalan ni Joaquin iyong nasa cellphone ko. Bakit ba nararamdaman niya ata kapag pinapatay ko siya sa isip ko?

‘Why did you hide your stories from me?’

‘Pano mo nalaman? Ang creepy mo. Gumawa ka ng account para lang icheck????’

‘Haha you’re so drunk you forgot you checked your IG in front of me last night. I know you posted stories.’

‘Ah.’

‘Unhide the stories.’

‘Mamamatay ka ba kapag di mo nakita stories ko?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Ulul.’

‘Come on. After everything I did for you last night.’

‘Anong ginawa mo sakin??????’

‘Haha nothing that will require consent.’

‘HOY!’

‘I just changed your clothes. You threw up in your clothes.’

‘Nakita mo katawan ko????’

‘Not the entirety of it.’

‘????!’

‘I was changing your clothes. You wanted me to do that with my eyes closed?’

‘Dapat hinayaan mo na lang ako matulog na may suka yung damit.’

‘Ew.’

‘Manyak!’

‘Catfish.’

‘Ha???’

‘Your photos have abs. I didn’t see any last night.’

‘Taena ka talaga!’

Masisiraan ako ng bait sa tao na ’to talaga!

‘Malamang paano ako magkaka-abs e nagaaral lang ako???? May panahon pa ba ako maggym sa dami ng ginagawa sa school saka sa org????’

‘Excuses,’ he replied. ‘I still have my abs. You want me to send proof?’

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

Taena.

Bakit ba nagkrus ang landas namin ng tao na ’to?!

**

This story is already at Chapter 21 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 11

One week after ng midterms ay ang tinatawag na ‘ghost week.’ Hindi officially na walang pasok, pero parang ganon na rin. Hindi rin naman sobrang masama ang ugali ng mga prof dahil alam nila na halos mamatay na kami nung midterms kaya binibigyan nila kami ng isang linggo para gawin lahat ng gusto naming gawin.

“Hmm… Nakaka-bore din pala,” sabi ko habang naka-higa sa kama ko at naka-tingin lang sa kisame. May kanya-kanyang lakad na iyong mga kaibigan ko kaya wala akong maaya. Wala rin naman akong balak umuwi sa probinsya. Nagtext sila Mama kung free ako—sinabi ko na busy ako. Mamaya puntahan pa ako nun dito tapos gawin na naman niya ’yung paborito niyang hobby na i-point out lahat ng mali sa akin.

Gusto kong lumabas pero at the same time, parang bibiyakin iyong ulo ko dahil sa sobrang sakit. Sobrang dami ko bang nainom kagabi? Tsk. Malamang… kung tama iyong naaalala ko, mukha akong tanga na sinisimot iyong mga bote. Uhaw na uhaw ata ako sa alak.

But despite the raging headache, I still decided to go out. Nasasayangan lang ako sa araw kung sa condo lang ako buong araw. Gusto ko sanang pumunta sa mall kaya lang naalala ko na wala nga pala akong pera—ang laki nung gastos sa laptop tapos may utang pa ako kay Andrew sa ambag ko sa inom. Tsk. Magkano kaya babayaran ko?

In the end, I decided to just use the amenities of the condo. Aba, kasama din ’to sa binabayaran ko!

“Hayop talaga ’yang Joaquin na ’yan,” sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa salamin. Hindi naman ako conscious sa katawan ko dati! I mean, may abs kasi ako nung first year kasi umiikot sa pag-inom at pag-gym lang iyong buhay ko non. Ngayong second year, nagbagong buhay na ako. Isa sa mga necessary sacrifice iyong abs ko!

“Okay naman, ah…” pangungumbinsi ko sa sarili ko. Hindi naman ako mataba! Saka paano ako tataba e nagtitipid nga ako? Wala akong pambili ng pagkain—napupunta sa vape iyong pera ko. Tsk. Hirap maging broke college student na may maling priorities.

“Leche talaga,” bulong ko nung imbes na sa swimming pool ako dumiretso ay bigla akong napadpad sa gym. Mabuti na lang at ako lang iyong tao doon dahil mukhang ako lang ata ang walang plano ngayong bakasyon. On the brighter side, at least hindi na ako mahihiya. Para ata akong gold fish—nawala lang ako ng ilang buwan sa gym ay hindi ko na alam kung paano gumagana ang mga bagay-bagay.

After a while, I finally got the hang of it again. I took a quick video for progress checking. Nalimutan ko na masaya nga pala maggym—saka kailangan ko rin ’to, noh! Hindi lang dahil sa lecheng comment ni Joaquin.

I posted a gym selfie.

At mabilis na nagreply ang stalker ko.

‘Haha is it because of my comment?’

‘Ulul feeling ka talaga.’

‘Hmm too much of a coincidence.’

‘Di rin.’

‘I thought you’d have a hangover. You were drinking like a fish last night.’

‘Pano mo nalaman? Akala ko busy ka don sa kausap mo?’

Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang ma-realize ko iyong sinabi ko. Taena! Mukha akong nagse-selos sa may sinabi ko! Mabilis kong pinindot iyong unsend.

‘Haha why did you unsend?’

At dahil wala akong matinong masasagot sa kanya ay inilagay ko sa DND mode iyong cellphone ko. Ano namang sasabihin ko? At saka kahit ano pa ang isagot ko, alam ko na magmumukha lang akong defensive. Mukhang tanga naman kasi talaga iyong sinabi ko! Ano naman pakielam ko kung may mga babae siyang kausap kagabi? Wala! Saka straight si Joaquin. Pinagttripan lang talaga ako non.

After ko sa gym, bumalik ako sa condo at saka naligo. Tapos ay lumabas ako, pero iniwan ko iyong cellphone ko dahil malaki ang hinala ko na may reply na si Joaquin… at dahil wala akong self-control, hanggang alam ko na malapit sa akin iyong cellphone ko, iche-check ko iyon.

Pumunta ako sa convenience store at saka bumili ng ice cream… e ’di parang tanga lang ’yung effort ko sa gym. Naupo ako sa may labas at saka kumain ng ice cream tapos nagvvape. Ang saya rin pala. Usually maraming tao sa paligid pero ngayon, medyo tahimik… which was weird considering na magulo palagi sa Maynila.

Pero na-bore din ako. Hindi ata ako iyong tipo ng tao na nag-e-enjoy kapag mag-isa. Tsk.

Pagbalik ko sa kwarto ko, kahit ayoko, kinuha ko iyong cellphone ko.

“Mukhang tanga,” bulong ko sa sarili ko nang ma-realize ko na medyo disappointed ako na walang text si Joaquin. E hindi rin naman ako nagreply sa huling message niya kaya bakit naman siya magtetext ulit sa ’kin? Hindi naman kami friends—at most, schoolmates lang kami na nagmomol one time.

Nakapaglinis na ako sa condo at nakapag-ayos ng mga gamit ko tapos pakshet, hindi pa rin gabi!

‘Wala lang.’

Mukha akong gago na naka-tingin sa cellphone ko at naghihintay ng reply sa kanya. Pero baka hindi rin siya magreply kasi baka nasa bakasyon din siya kagaya ng ibang mga tao. Nasa ibang bansa kaya siya? Siguro… Mukhang si Joaquin iyong tipo ng tao na nasa Europe every vacation.

Fuck.

Bakit ba ako naghihintay sa sagot niya? Mukhang ewan.

Kaysa naghihintay ako sa reply niya, naghanap ako sa Tiktok ng mga pwedeng gawin na walang involved na gastos. Pwede pala ako magpunta sa museum kaso medyo malayo… Tsk. Ang hirap naman. Lahat ng gusto kong gawin may involved na pera. Wala talaga akong choice kundi maging successful sa future dahil pera ang magpapasaya sa akin.

‘Haha okay. You still in the gym?’

“Shit naman!” sigaw ko nang bumagsak sa mukha ko iyong cellphone dahil sa pagka-gulat nang mabasa ko iyong pangalan niya sa notif ko. Simula talaga ng nakita ko siya, puro ako kamalasan.

Tumayo muna ako para i-check sa salamin kung buo pa iyong ngipin ko kasi pakshet wala na ako budget sa pampa-pasta. Nung nasigurado ko na kumpleto pa ang ngipin ko, saka lang ako nagreply sa kanya.

‘Anong oras na jan?’ I asked. Ngayon lang ako medyo na-tempt na i-follow siya sa IG para malaman kung nasaang lupalop siya ng mundo ngayon.

‘Weird question.’

‘Wala ka ba sa ibang bansa?’

‘No. I’m in the Philippines. Why? Suddenly curious about my whereabouts?’

May mga tao na natural lang siguro talaga na malandi… At isa siya don. Naalala ko pa kung paano siya makipag-usap sa mga babae sa club. Alam mo ’yon? No touching involved, pero ang landi-landi niya kahit usap lang.

‘Ahhhhh wala lang akala ko nasa bakasyon ka rin.’

‘Yeah I am. Aren’t you?’

‘Nope.’

Nakita ko na na-seen niya iyong message ko, pero hindi siya nagreply. Sabagay, wala naman siyang obligasyon na replyan ako. At dahil d’yan, umuwi na lang kaya ako sa ’min? Nami-miss ko na rin naman iyong lugar namin—iyong lugar lang, hindi iyong mga judgmental na tao.

‘So you’re just in Manila?’ text niya after 15 minutes.

‘Yup.’

‘Cool. Do you wanna join me?’

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko.

‘Ha?’

‘I’m in Batangas.’

‘Weh? Bat wala ka sa Maldives?’

‘Lol am I supposed to be there?’

‘Wala lang. Mukhang ikaw yung tipo na always out of the country.’

‘I fear you judged me too hastily,’ reply niya. ‘Also, I can’t go out of the country. I have some commitments that might require me to go to Manila. Hence, Batangas.’

Bakit ba siya nag-e-explain sa akin?

‘Susunduin mo ako sa Manila?’ I asked habang naka-arko ang kilay ko. Convinced talaga ako na pinagttripan lang ako nito… Tignan nga natin kung hanggang saan ang trip niya.

‘Lol aren’t you too shameless?’ he replied. ‘Take a bus or something. I’ll pick you up in Batangas.’

‘Ugh akala ko naman susunduin mo ako.’

‘You’re not my girlfriend lol’

‘Malamang. Babae ba ako?’

‘No. I know you aren’t because when we were making out I felt your dick when you were pressing your hardon against me.’

Mabuti na lang talaga at hindi ako naka-higa dahil panigurado e babagsak na naman sa mukha ko iyong cellphone dahil sa pagka-gulat sa sinabi niya. Siraulo talaga ’to! Meron ba siyang kakambal?! Kasi ibang-iba talaga siya sa Joaquin na nakaka-usap ko dati! May sira sa ulo iyong nakaka-usap ko lately!

“Ano?” sabi ko nang tumawag siya kasi ilang minuto na na hindi ako nagrereply. Ano naman kasi sasabihin ko don?!

“So, are you going?”

“Ang layo.”

“It’s not that far.”

“Katamad magcommute.”

“Just sleep while you’re there.”

“Di mo talaga ako susunduin?”

Narinig ko na natawa siya. “No, we’re not that close for me to drive there just to get you and then drive back here.”

“Tss. Pero inaaya mo ako magbakasyon d’yan?”

“Yeah, why not? I feel bad that you’re spending your vacation in Manila.”

“Ah… San pala ako matutulog? O uuwi agad ako?” tanong ko kahit nahihiya talaga ako pero kasi naman! Ito iyong mga bagay na dapat malaman!

“In your own room and bed,” sabi niya. Kahit wala siya sa harapan ko, bakit alam ko na naka-ngisi siya na parang nang-aasar? “Why? You thought I’ll let you sleep with me?”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Hindi, ah!”

Mas lalong lumakas ang tawa niya. “If you say so.”

“Nagtatanong lang naman ako! Mamaya biglang sa dalampasigan mo ako patulugin!”

“Oh, come on, I thought we’re friends now? Why would I ever do that to you?”

“Aba, malay ko.”

“I even helped you when you were drunk, remember? Brought you home and everything.”

“Hindi ko naman—” Napa-hinto ako. “Teka, bakit nga ikaw naghatid sa akin? May kasama ako non!”

“You don’t remember?” he asked na para bang iniimply niya na may nangyari na kakaiba.

“Obvious ba? Ano’ng nangyari?”

“I’ll tell you when you get here.”

“Napaka-epal mo talaga.”

“Tell me when you’re in Batangas.”

“Di mo talaga ako susunduin?”

“In your dreams.”

“Tsk.”

“I’ll be here for the entire week. Feel free to stay for however long you like.”

“Weh?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. My family’s not gonna use the rooms, anyway.”

“May kwarto kayo d’yan?”

“Yeah. You’ll sleep in your own room—not my room. Just to be clear.”

“Nagtatanong lang ako kanina! Hindi ko naman gusto matulog katabi ka!”

“Again, if you do say so.”

“May babayaran ba ako?”

“Your bus fare or whatever you’ll spend .”

“Food? Mahal ba d’yan?”

“Define expensive.”

“Ugh. Rich kid.”

Natawa siya. “Don’t worry about it—whatever you order will be charged to the room, anyway.”

“Tapos papabayaran mo rin sa ’kin? Wala akong pera.”

“It’s fine. It’ll be my treat. I’ll consider this as my act of charity for the year.”

“Peste ka. Ginawa mo pa akong pulubi.”

Tumawa ulit siya. “Just get your ass here. Message me when you’re near,” sabi niya tapos binabaan na ako ng tawag. Hindi man lang nagpaalam! Wala talagang manners.

Gusto kong i-overthink iyong pag-imbita niya sa akin don but then again… beggars can’t be choosers. Saka may sarili naman daw akong kwarto! Kung bbwisitin niya lang ako, e ’di tataguan ko na lang siya. Saka sayang din. Ang ganda nung resort based sa google search ko.

“Bahala na nga,” sabi ko sa sarili ko habang mabilis na nag-aayos ng gamit kasi malapit na akong gabihin. Mukha pa naman si Joaquin iyong tipo ng tao na kapag naligaw ako, sasabihan lang ako ng good luck.

Hindi naman ganoon kakapal iyong mukha ko kaya for three days na damit lang iyong dala ko… tapos fuck, na-realize ko na beach ’yon! Tutuksuhin na naman ako non na wala akong abs! Alam niya ba kung gaano kahirap magmaintain ng abs?!

Tsk. Imbes na ma-excite e mukhang stress ang aabutin ko.

Mabuti na lang at may mga travel vlog na nagsabi kung paano makakarating doon sa lugar na sinasabi ni Joaquin. Pakiramdam ko kasi kahit tanungin ko siya, wala siyang matinong sagot dahil mukhang ’di naman nagcocommute ’yung tao na ’yon. Sumakay ako sa bus at saka nagscroll na lang sa tiktok dahil takot ako na matulog at maka-lagpas—kasi nga ’di ako susunduin ni Joaquin kung maligaw man ako. Mahirap na, noh!

‘ETA ko is 9:21pm. Dapat nandon ka na pagdating ko.’

‘Got it,’ reply niya. ‘So demanding.’

‘Gabi na! Mamaya makidnap ako dito!’

‘Why would they bother?’

‘Excuse me!!’

‘You said it yourself that you don’t have money lol also to what? Harvest your organs? You drink like a sailor so I doubt there’s any use for that liver.’

‘Liver lang ba organ ko na pwedeng harvestin??’

‘What else do you offer? I’ve seen your eating habits. Not the healthiest.’

‘Ew bakit mo ako pinapanood kumain??’

‘Because I have eyes?’

‘Meron din akong mata pero di naman kita pinapanood kumain.’

‘Ah. You only look at me when I’m talking to girls. Got it.’

Pakshet talaga ’to! Akala ko tapos na kami sa topic na ’yon kaya bakit biglang bumalik na naman kami dito?!

Bumalik ako sa pagsscroll sa tiktok dahil pakiramdam ko e mapuputukan ako ng ugat sa ulo dahil sa stress sa taong ’to. Mabuti na lang at hindi na siya nagtext pa ulit hanggang sa ’di ko namalayan ay nasa may stop ko na pala ako.

Agad akong bumaba. I looked around, not really expecting na nandito na siya kasi mukhang mas gusto niya na ako iyong maghintay sa kanya kaysa siya ang maghintay sa akin.

But I thought wrong.

Because I immediately spotted him as he was leaning against his car while looking at me, smiling and waiving.

Fuck.

Mukhang mali na nandito ako at ilang araw kami magsasama. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 22 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 12

Okay. Kaya ko ’to.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago ako nagsimulang maglakad papunta kay Joaquin. Naka-sandal pa rin siya sa sasakyan niya. Unfair talaga ng buhay. ’Yon lang naman ang ginawa niya, pero para bang ready na agad siya sa pictorial!

“How was the trip?” he asked nang maka-lapit ako.

“Mahaba. E ’di sana kung sinundo mo ako, mas mabilis.”

Natawa siya. “Who would’ve thought?” he asked as his right brow was arched. Tumingin ako sa kanya na naka-kunot ang noo. “I really didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Ang alin?”

“Audacity,” he replied. “You were so… meek back when you used to follow me around.”

I made a disgusted face. “Pwede ba? Past is past. Patahimikin mo na. Lagi mong inuungkat.”

He shrugged. “I’ll think about it,” sabi niya tapos ay naglakad papunta sa driver’s seat. Binuksan ko iyong pinto sa may likod at saka nilagay ko iyong bag ko doon. Doon ako naupo sa may passenger seat. Sinuot ko agad iyong seatbelt.

“You hungry?” tanong niya habang umaatras.

“Hindi naman.”

“You sure? We can go to a drive thru. I think the room service in the resort is already closed.”

“Okay lang,” sagot ko. Napagdesisyunan ko na magdiet na lang—two birds with one stone na rin. For some reason, nadagdagan ang goal ko ngayong semester at iyon ay ang magka-abs. Kahit ano namang sit-ups ang gawin ko, ’di ako magkaka-abs kung ’di ako aayos sa mga kinakain ko. Tsk. Ang hirap maging healthy kapag broke college student ka.

Hindi ko alam kung dahil pagod ba ako sa byahe o dahil gutom ako, pero wala akong energy makipag-usap kay Joaquin… not that required kami na mag-usap. Usually lang talaga kapag nasa iisang lugar na kaming dalawa lang, magtatalo kami dahil may sasabihin siya na mapipikon ako.

Sinandal ko iyong ulo ko sa bintana. Inaantok na talaga ako, pero nakaka-hiya naman kung tutulugan ko siya. Pero wala rin akong energy na makipagtalo!

Pero biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang tumunog iyong tiyan ko.

“I thought you weren’t hungry?” sabi niya. Huminto siya tapos ay biglang mag-u-u-turn ata siya.

“No, okay lang,” mabilis na sabi ko.

“I’m serious. No food there.”

“Okay lang,” sabi ko ulit. “Diet ako.”

Bahagya siyang lumingon sa akin at kumunot ang noo. “Why?” he asked.

I just shrugged. Alangan namang sabihin ko na naapektuhan ako nung sinabi niya na catfish ako?! Catfish talaga?! E sa may abs ako nung kinuhanan iyong picture na ’yon! Tsk. May talent talaga ’tong tao na ’to na pikunin ako.

“Is it because of what I said?”

The fuck?! May sixth sense ba ’yung tao na ’to?! O talagang madali lang akong mabasa?!

I was conflicted kung sasagot ba ako, pero sa palagay ko e magmumukha lang akong defensive kung idedeny ko na hindi iyon dahil sa sinabi niya sa akin na catfish ako.

“Aww… I didn’t think my words matter.”

Napa-sandal iyong ulo ko sa may headrest at saka pinikit ko iyong mata ko sa pagka-bwisit sa kanya. “Tangina mo talaga,” sabi ko dahil akala ko naman, at the very least, sasabihin niya na joke lang iyong sinabi niya at kumain na ako. Tangina talaga ng taong ’to!

Panay deep breathing na lang ang ginawa ko dahil baka mapikon talaga ako sa kanya at bigla na lang akong tumalon palabas sa umaandar na sasakyan.

“Nasan—” sabi ko at napa-hinto ako nang mapansin ko na may restaurant sa harap namin. Baka atakihin na naman ng tipos ’tong tao na ’to at sabihan ako na bulag ba ako? Obvious naman na nasa resto kami.

“Just get salad if you’re on a diet,” he said as he turned off the engine. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya na naka-kunot pa rin ang noo. “Being on a diet doesn’t mean starving yourself,” dugtong niya tapos ay lumabas na ng sasakyan.

This is a trap. Hindi mabait si Joaquin. ’Wag kang magpapaloko.

---

I did get a side of salad tapos ay roast chicken. Gutom nga pala talaga ako. Buti na lang at matigas ang ulo ni Joaquin at dinala niya pa rin ako dito. Hindi naman siya kumain. He just ordered himself a cup of coffee—at this point, parang tubig na lang siguro sa kanya ’yon.

Anong oras na rin nung makarating kami sa mismong resort. Wala na halos tao sa paligid maliban sa ilang staff na mukhang kilala si Joaquin.

“Lagi ka dito?” I asked.

“Not really. Why?”

“Wala lang. Parang kilala ka na kasi nung staff.”

“Hmm.” Iyon lang ang sinabi niya. Hindi na ako nagtanong pa kasi based sa pagkakakilala ko kay Joaquin, if gusto niyang pag-usapan, siya pa ang magvovolunteer ng information kahit ayoko naman malaman. Saka wala namang ambag sa buhay ko kahit pa malaman ko na madalas siya dito o hindi.

Tahimik lang kaming naglalakad. Napapa-tingin ako sa buwan dahil full moon ngayon. Gusto ko sanang huminto para kuhanan ng picture, pero dire-diretso na naglalakad si Joaquin. Bukas na lang siguro… kung nandito pa rin ako at hindi pa kami nagpapatayan dalawa.

“…dito?” I asked when we stopped sa harap ng isang parang bahay? Akala ko resort? Akala ko hotel? Nasa iisang bubong kaming dalawa?!

“Yeah, why?” tanong niya na nagtataka. “You’ll have your own room. Don’t even think about sneaking into my room.”

I made a face once again. “Feeling mo talaga, noh?”

He just gave a small grin. Tsk. Nasa mood na naman mang-asar si gago.

Binigyan niya ako ng mini-tour. May sala at may kusina dito. Binuksan niya iyong ref—may pagkain naman pala!

“Akala ko ba walang pagkain?”

“Do you even know how to cook?” he asked.

“Oo kaya.”

“Do you even want to cook?” he asked again na in the usual Joaquin fashion na ayaw magpatalo at dapat laging sa kanya ang huling salita.

“Tsk. Hindi iyon ang topic.”

He just rolled his eyes at me. Sarap tusukin, e!

“This is your room,” sabi niya at saka binuksan iyong pintuan. Nanlaki iyong mata ko nang makita ko na may glass door iyon at kitang-kita ko iyong dagat at saka iyong fullmoon. Shet! Sulit naman pala kahit bwisitin ako ni Joaquin! Ganito ang bakasyon!

For a second, nalimutan ko na kasama ko iyong intern ng kadiliman. Naglakad ako papasok sa kwarto. Ibinaba ko iyong gamit ko doon sa may mini-sofa at saka dumiretso ako papunta doon sa balcony.

Wow… akalain mo ’yon? Na-miss ko bigla iyong probinsya. Talagang kapag napapa-layo ka sa toxic environment, parang nagiging vague iyong recollection mo nung mga totoong naganap at mga magaganda na lang naaalala mo, e, noh? Tsk.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na naka-tayo lang doon at pinapakinggan iyong hampas ng alon at tinitignan iyong buwan.

“Ay, nandito ka pa rin?” sabi ko nang makita ko na naka-upo si Joaquin doon sa may mini-sofa katabi iyong bag ko.

Natawa lang siya sa sinabi ko. At this point, hindi na siguro ako mahihiya dahil mukhang ginagawa naman akong personal clown ng gago na ’to.

Tumayo siya. Inilagay iyong mga kamay niya sa may bulsa niya.

“Oo, hindi ako papasok sa kwarto mo,” inunahan ko na siyang sabihin nang makita ko na magsasalita siya.

Natawa na naman siya. “Good to hear.” Inirapan ko siya. “Good night, Franco,” he said.

“Oo na. Alis na. Matutulog na ako,” sabi ko at saka tinulak siya papalabas ng kwarto ko. Mukhang ’di naman siya offended kasi natatawa pa siya. Weirdo talaga ng taong ’to.

Naligo agad ako pagkaalis niya dahil lagkit na lagkit iyong katawan ko galing sa byahe. After non, nahiga na ako sa kama. Akala ko talaga ay makaka-tulog agad ako dahil sa pagod, pero ilang minuto na ang lumipas e gising na gising pa rin ako.

“Di naman siguro ’yon magagalit…” sabi ko habang tahimik na binubuksan iyong pinto. “E ’di kapag nagalit, papalitan ko na lang…” bulong ko pa habang naglalakad papunta sa kusina. ’Di ako sigurado, pero parang may nakita ako na beer doon.

“Target locked,” sabi ko nang makita ko iyong beer doon sa may ilalim. Dalawa na lang ’yon. Agad na inabot ko iyong dalawa, pero bago ko pa man sila makuha, halos atakihin ako sa puso nang may marinig ako na boses mula sa likuran ko.

“What are you doing?”

“Fuck!” malakas na sigaw ko habang kumakabog iyong dibdib ko. Mabuti na lang at hindi ko pa nakukuha iyong beer dahil malamang sa malamang e naibagsak ko na ’yon sa gulat. Pakshet talaga ’tong tao na ’to!

Naka-tingin sa akin si Joaquin at naka-kunot ang noo na para bang ako pa iyong mali sa aming dalawa!

“Bakit ba ang hilig mo manggulat?!”

“When did I?” he asked. “Not my fault if you’re easily startled.”

“Ano’ng ako—” Huminto ako. Bakit ba nakikipatalo pa ako sa kanya? Never ata ako nanalo! “Tsk. Bakit ka ba nandito?”

He shrugged. Saka ko lang napansin na nagpalit na pala siya ng damit. Napa-kunot ang noo ko nang mapansin ko na naka-terno siya na navy blue silk pajamas.

“What?” he asked nang mapansin niya na tinignan ko siya mula ulo hanggang paa.

“Wala,” sabi ko.

“What?” he asked, annoyed.

Pansin ko na isa sa mga paraan para bwisitin siya ay magsalita ka tapos ’wag mong ituloy. I mean, nabu-bwisit din naman ako sa ganon, pero mas bwisit siya.

I just shrugged. I saw his forehead creasing. Buti nga sa ’yo.

Kinuha ko iyong dalawang beer at saka naglakad na.

“You’ll drink in your room?” he asked.

“Yup.”

“There’s a nice spot outside,” bigla niyang sabi.

“San?”

“I’ll show you.”

“Ayaw kita kasama.”

“Ouch,” sabi niya. “Then I won’t tell.”

“Fine. Pero ’wag kang magsasalita.”

“Why? I’d like to think that I’m entertaining.”

“Nakaka-highblood kamo.”

“That’s your opinion.”

“Malamang kasi ako lang naman nakaka-kita ng totoong ugali mo.”

“Hmm…” Tignan mo? Hindi niya dineny!

Dahil madaling araw na talaga, kami na lang ang tao sa labas. Ang kalmado ng atmosphere—mas masaya sana kung hindi ko kasama iyong intern ng kadiliman.

“What? No thanks, Joaquin? “

“Alam mo—” He was just looking at me, fully knowing na na-impress nga ako sa pinagdalhan niya sa akin. May dalawang upuan sa ilalim ng puno ng niyog. Medyo malayo iyon sa pinanggalingan namin. Mas lalong mukhang kami lang talaga ang tao dito.

Imbes na makipagtalo na naman ako sa kanya, naupo na lang ako. Inabot ko sa kanya iyong isang can ng beer.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Baliw ka ba? Sa ref mo ’yan galing.”

Tignan mo ’tong gago na ’to… May nakaka-tawa ba sa sinabi ko? Ginawa talaga akong personal clown!

Surprisingly, tahimik lang kaming dalawa na naka-upo doon. Ilang minuto na at wala pang sinasabi si Joaquin na nakaka-gago.

“Thanks,” sabi ko bigla.

“Wow…”

“Pwede bang sabihin mo na lang na you’re welcome ?”

“Sure,” sabi niya. “But I don’t even know what you’re thanking me for.”

“Tsk.”

“Come on. Honestly, I did you a lot of favors already, so you’d need to be more specific.”

“Ano’ng sense ng ‘favors’ na ginawa mo kung nililista mo rin pala?”

He shrugged. “So, what? Never claimed that I did them out of the goodness of my heart.”

“Tama. Kasi masama ugali mo.”

Tumawa lang siya. “Am I really that bad?”

“Oo.”

“How come?”

“Aabutin tayo ng umaga kung iisa-isahin ko.”

“Give me the top three, then.”

“Ayoko. Tinatamad ako.”

“Fine,” sabi niya. “Just answer why are you thanking me for?”

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. Bakit ba kasi binuksan ko pa iyong bibig ko? Ang saya na sana kanina na tahimik kami, e!

“Sa pag-invite sa akin dito,” sabi ko kasi… totoo naman.

“I just felt bad that you’re staying in school.”

“Hmm.”

Hindi na lang din ako nagsalita dahil baka tanungin niya ako bigla kung bakit nasa school lang ako. Hindi naman kami close enough ni Joaquin para kwentuhan ko siya ng family problems. Saka okay na rin siguro ’to… Na hindi kami friends, pero at the same time, hindi rin magkaaway. Nakakapagod din kaya! Kaya ’di ko gets iyong mga tao na madaming kaaway. Saan sila kumukuha ng energy?

“May question ako,” sabi ko. Tumango lang siya. “As curious lang ako,” dagdag ko as disclaimer.

“What is it?” he asked. “Now, I’m curious. Why the need for disclaimer?”

Talaga bang nababasa niya nasa utak ko?!

“Uh… like generous ka lang ba talaga na tao? Kasi sa bahay mo ginaganap iyong mga party sa org. Tapos minsan ikaw nagbabayad ng pagkain kapag may meeting tayo. Tapos nilibre mo pa ako sa bakasyon ngayon.”

Baka kasi may ganito lang talaga na tao? Ngayon ko lang talaga na-experience dahil ngayon lang ako naka-meet ng tao na nasa ibang tax bracket? Naka-experience naman ako ng libre dati, pero at most, libre na dinner o lunch… Hindi libreng bakasyon.

“Now, why will I tell you my secrets?” he asked using a teasing tone. “Have you finally accepted that we’re friends?”

Inirapan ko siya. “Wag na nga. ’Di na ako curious.”

Tumawa na naman siya. “I like being liked.” Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “But it’s exhausting to be nice the whole time… so I just use money to make people like me.”

Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko. I know that most of the time, Joaquin’s just bullshiting me… so hearing him be honest for once was kind of throwing me off.

“You—you’re different,” he said while looking directly into my eyes and for some reason, panic rang through my entire system. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 23 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 13

Iyon ba ang tinatawag nila na gay panic?! Pero hindi. Parang mas… taena, indirectly umamin ba siya na may masama siyang binabalak sa akin? Kasi ano? Iba ako sa kanila? What in the world of fiction is this?!

Naramdaman ata ni Joaquin iyong pagka-bigla ko sa sinabi niya… but then again, madali lang ata kasi talaga akong basahin para sa kanya. He didn’t even object nung sinabi ko na bumalik na kami. Buti hindi siya inatake ng pagka-papansin niya at sinabi na bumalik ako mag-isa kasi sigurado ako na maliligaw ako kasi ang lawak pala ng lecheng resort na ’to.

Ni hindi na ako nagsabi sa kanya ng good night at dumiretso na ako sa kwarto ko. Mabilis kong ni-lock iyon na para bang papasukin ako ni Joaquin. Asa naman! Pero better safe than sorry, noh! Iba pa naman trip ni Joaquin! Saka isa pa, uminom kaya kami… Nanghahalik pa naman si gago kapag lasing.

Pagka-gising ko kinabukasan, naghilamos agad ako at saka chineck ko iyong itsura ko sa salamin. Usually, wala naman akong pakielam kasi ang una kong ginagawa ay ang maghanap ng tubig. Kaso… mauubos na talaga iyong kakarampot na pride na meron ako kapag humarap ako kay Joaquin na may muta pa sa mga mata ko. Kaya mas priority ko na maghilamos.

Paglabas ko, himala na wala siya. Tulog pa ba siya? Malay ko. Wala akong balak na katukin siya sa kwarto niya. Pagbintangan na naman ako non na may masama akong balak sa kanya.

Dahil siya naman ang nag-imbita sa akin, pinakielamanan ko na iyong kusina dito… In fairness, meron coffeemaker dito. Meron ba talaga o dinala niya lang? Tsk. Bakit ba ang dami kong tanong? ’Di na lang ako gumawa ng kape.

Naka-upo ako sa may stool sa may kitchen island habang hinihintay na matapos iyong coffee machine doon sa nilagay ko na coffee pod. Buti na lang at may yelo sa ref kasi nahihiya ako tumawag pa sa reception para humingi ng yelo. ’Di naman talaga ako guest dito.

“Naki-gamit—”

Biglang hindi naki-cooperate iyong bibig ko sa akin nang lumingon ako at makita ko si Joaquin na pumasok sa loob. Mukhang nagjogging siya base sa suot niya. Naka-suot siya ng black running shorts and gray shirt kaya naman bakat iyong pawis sa katawan niya. Sakto din na tinatanggal niya iyong airpods sa tenga niya at naka-tingin sa akin habang naka-kunot ang noo dahil para ba akong robot na nagmalfunction saglit.

Nagjogging lang ’yung tao!

I cleared my throat. Kailangan kong umayos. Kung gaganito ako nang gaganito, talagang mas lalo akong bu-bwisitin ni Joaquin na papasukin ko siya sa kwarto niya.

“Gumamit ako ng coffee pod mo,” sabi ko sa kanya tapos ay humarap ulit ako doon.

“Alright,” sagot niya. “You don’t have to tell me every time. I don’t keep inventory of things here.”

Naglakad siya papunta sa may ref. Kita sa peripheral vision ko iyong bawat galaw niya.

Taena.

Alam ko wala na iyong crush ko dito kasi ’di ba nakaka-irita siya?! Ano, dinala lang ako sa resort, nagka-crush na ulit ako? Ang easy ko naman!

“I’ll just take a shower then we can have breakfast,” sabi niya tapos ay uminom ng tubig galing sa bottled water. Para akong gago na nagcoconcentrate para mapanood siya sa peripheral vision ko dahil mamamatay muna ako bago ako humarap para makita siya. Bakit naman kasi parang… ang hot kapag umiinom siya ng tubig tapos gumagalaw iyong adam’s apple niya?!

Mukhang hindi naman napansin ni Joaquin iyong masamang iniisip ko dahil lang umiinom siya ng tubig. Umalis din agad siya para maligo siguro. Buti na lang! Mabilis kong ininom iyong kape ko para mahimasmasan naman ako.

Hindi ako pwedeng magka-crush ulit sa kanya! Saka siraulo ba ako?! Obvious naman na may masamang plano si Joaquin—hindi ko pa alam kung ano exactly, pero meron! Impossible na one day, nagdesisyon lang siya na maging mabait sa akin. So, if any, mas lalo dapat ako maging alisto.

Tama. Tama.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ba siya katagal maligo—at mas lalo namang weird kung alam ko ’yon. Nagtext ako sa kanya na lalabas na ako at sabihin niya na lang kung saan kami kakain ng breakfast at ififigure out ko na lang kung saan ’yon.

Alam ko naman na kagabi pa na malaki ’tong resort, pero mas malaki pala kapag umaga. Pwede pa pala maggolf dito. Sure ako na naglalaro ng golf si Joaquin kasi ’di ba sports ng mayayaman ’yon? May dala kaya siyang golf club? Parang gusto ko ma-try.

After around twenty minutes, nagtext na siya. In fairness, akala ko aabutin siya ng isang oras… Pero sa mukha niyang ’yon? Ni hindi na kailangang pag-effort-an, e.

Dahil sa nagmagaling ako na hahanapin ko iyong sinasabi niyang lugar, nagkanda-ligaw-ligaw na ako. Nung mga ten minutes na akong naglalakad at mukhang wala na akong pag-asa, nilapitan ko iyong isang lalaki na nakita ko. Wala akong makita na staff! Bakit kapag kailangan mo sila, saka mo sila hindi nakikita? Kapag naman wala akong kailangan sila, sulpot sila nang sulpot.

“Hi,” sabi ko doon sa lalaki.

Lumingon siya sa akin. Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko kasi… ’di ba influencer ’to? ’Di ko matandaan iyong pangalan niya kasi ’di naman ako masyadong updated sa ganap online dahil sa dami ng ginagawa ko sa school. Pero alam ko na sikat ’to kasi pinakita sa akin ni James ’yung picture niya at sinabi niya na ito iyong bago niyang crush.

Bago pa man niya sabihin na stalker ako, nagtanong na agad ako sa kanya. Para kung sabihin niya rin na hindi niya alam, aalis na agad ako. Wala akong balak na mapagkamalan na stalker na naman, noh! Once is enough—kung napagkamalan na naman ako ng ibang tao, medyo worrisome na ’yon.

“Yeah. I’m actually headed there din. We can walk together,” sabi niya. Conyo naman pala. ’Di ko alam pero parang mas trip ko iyong straight English ni Joaquin.

Kinausap ko na rin siya dahil balak ko kung magiging friends kami ay ipapakilala ko siya kay James. Para naman magka-utang na loob sa akin si James. Sigurado ako magagamit ko iyon sa future.

Mukhang natuto na rin ako sa networking tricks ni Joaquin dahil nadala ko naman kahit papaano iyong usapan naming dalawa. Trick lang pala doon ay magmention ka ng mga pangalan—usually naman kapag creative industry ay maliit lang ’yon. Doesn’t matter kung ka-close mo talaga o hindi. The more names, mas mukha kang credible.

“Cool,” sabi niya. “What’s your IG?”

Ibinigay niya sa akin iyong cellphone niya at tinype ko roon iyong account ko. Tawagan ko nga si James mamaya para mainggit siya.

“Ito na ba ’yon?” I asked nung mapansin ko na parang nakarating na kami. I looked around pero napa-tigil ako nang may makita ako na intern ng kadiliman na naka-tingin sa akin at bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo. Ano na naman? Kasalanan ko ba na malaki ’tong resort at naligaw ako?

Nagpasalamat muna ako kay influencer bago ako naglakad papunta kay Joaquin.

“Umorder ka na?” I asked dahil kung sasabihin niya na hindi pa dahil matagal ako, isusumbat ko sa kanya na wala naman sa akin iyong kutsara at tinidor.

“Who was that?” tanong niya.

“Ha?” I asked, a bit confused and throw off kasi ready na iyong rebat ko sa kanya!

“The one you were talking to earlier.”

“Ah,” sagot ko. “Pinagtanungan ko. Nawala ako kanina.”

“Why did he hand you his phone?”

“Hiningi niya iyong IG ko.”

“You followed him?” he asked in an accusatory tone.

Tumingin ako sa kanya na naka-kunot ang noo. “Hindi. Also, kung i-follow ko man, pakielam mo?” sagot ko sa kanya tapos ay tinawag ko na iyong waitress para umorder kasi gutom na ako. Pero after kong umorder, bigla akong nakaramdam ng guilt. Ganito naman talaga kami mag-usap, ah! Bakit ba ganyan itsura niya na para bang inapi ko siya?

Gusto ko na talaga magsorry pero… bakit naman ako magsosorry?

Tsk! Bakit ba kasi overacting ang konsensya ko?!

“Sorry,” I said kasi mas mase-stress lang ako kung hindi ako magsosorry.

When he just nodded, that was when I knew that I did piss him off. Kasi normally, magtatanong pa ’yan kung para saan exactly ako nagsosorry. Taena tuloy parang hindi ako matutunawan sa may breakfast namin. Tahimik lang kaming dalawa—pero hindi iyong tahimik na naaappreciate ko. Parang gusto ko na lang dalhin iyong plato ko at sa dalampasigan na lang ako kakain mag-isa.

After breakfast, tumayo na siya. Sumunod lang ako sa kanya. Nasa likuran niya ako. Magsosorry ba ulit ako? Kasi kung hindi… kung ganito… uuwi na ako. Ayoko ng ganito na awkward.

Pero hindi ko masabi ulit iyong sorry for some reason. Hanggang maka-balik kami, wala pa ring sorry na lumalabas sa bibig ko. Ano ba kasi ang problema nito? Ganon naman talaga kami mag-usap! O talaga bang seryoso siya na ‘friends’ na kami? Kaya dapat ba… mas maayos na ako sa kanya makipag-usap? E ganito ko rin naman kausapin sila James? Mas malala pa nga minsan.

Pumasok ako sa kwarto ko, pero paglabas ko, wala na si Joaquin.

Fuck.

Galit nga siya?

---

Imbes na mag-enjoy ako sa pagsswimming o kung anuman, nagswimming ata ako sa anxiety. Bandang tanghali, bumalik na siya. Basa siya. Mukhang nagswimming ata. Naka-shorts lang siya tapos may naka-sabit na towel sa may balikat niya. May abs nga siya… Na-a-anxiety ata talaga ako dahil ni hindi ko naisip na bilangin iyong abs niya.

“Joaquin,” I called.

“Yeah?” he replied habang naglalakad pa rin papunta sa kwarto niya.

“Galit ka nga?”

“Nope. Why will I be mad?” sagot niya ulit tapos narinig ko iyong pagsara ng pintuan sa kwarto niya.

That’s it.

Pumunta ako sa kwarto ko tapos inayos na iyong mga damit ko. Mas gusto kong mabulok sa condo ko kaysa naman para akong magkaka-stomach ache sa kaka-isip kung ano maling ginawa ko. Dalawang beses ko na siya tinanong. Ayaw niyang sabihin. Bahala siya d’yan.

Sinubukan kong hintayin siya kasi parang ang bastos naman kung bigla na lang akong aalis… kaso may topak ata talaga iyong isang ’yon. Baka mamayang dinner pa ulit magparamdam. Gagabihin ako kung hihintayin ko siya.

Instead, I decided na i-text na lang siya na sisibat na ako. Okay na rin naman ’tong bakasyon. Nahanginan naman ako kahit papaano.

Nagtanong ako sa receptionist kung papaano ba ako makakarating sa may bus station. Ang hassle, pero mas hassle na magstay ako dito. Tinyaga ko hanggang sa finally ay nakabalik din ako doon sa station na pinanggalingan ko kagabi lang. Nagbayad na agad ako ng ticket ko sa bus tapos ay naghintay na ako sa loob habang hinihintay na mapuno iyon.

“Ang bastos—” sabi ko nung biglang may humila nung airpod ko mula sa tenga ko. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita dahil sa pagtataka kung tama ba iyong nakikita ko o dahil hindi pa ako nagla-lunch? Baka ko sana e sa condo na ako kakain. Wala rin ako sa mood kumain.

“Why’d you leave?” he asked na parang may tipos lang ako at biglang umalis.

Tumingin ako sa kanya na naka-kunot iyong noo. Twice na ako nagtanong kung ano’ng problema niya. Malapit na akong magtunog sirang-plaka.

“Tingin mo?” I asked. Turn niya para hulaan ang nasa isip ko.

He looked back at me. “All right,” he said after a few seconds. He sounded as though he was giving in… pero asa naman. “I was just in a bit of a mood earlier.”

Hindi pa rin ako nagsalita.

“But it’s all good now.”

Tahimik pa rin ako.

Sumandal siya at saka sinandal din iyong ulo niya at pinikit iyong mga mata niya. “I promise I won’t do whatever it was earlier.”

Fucking vague piece of shit. Hirap talaga sa kanya sabihin iyong sorry?

“Let’s go back. The weather’s nice. We can go swim.”

I definitely felt like I could stay here until he says that he’s sorry for being a pain in the ass earlier… but then again, mukhang tanga lang. Ano kami? Magboyfriend?

“Fine,” I said as as quickly as I said that, I saw a grin form on his face. “Pero seryoso, mukha kang gago,” sabi ko habang tumatayo na kami at naglalakad palabas ng bus. “Ano ka? Bata? Kung may problema ka, sabihin mo. Ginawa mo pa akong manghuhula.”

“Sure, whatever,” he said dismissively. “But you really were leaving?”

“Malamang? Tingin mo sa akin? Nagpunta dito para magpahabol sa ’yo?”

“Wasn’t that the plan?”

“Ulol. Feelingero ka talaga.”

“I mean, you did send me the text.”

“Kaysa naman bigla akong nawala na walang pasabi.”

“Hmm.”

“Baka isipin mo pa na nakidnap ako.”

“Again, who would go through such trouble?”

“Hayop ka. May pakinabang naman ako.”

“Like what?”

“Di ko kailangan i-prove ang sarili ko sa ’yo.”

“See? Waste of effort to kidnap you.”

“Bakit? May kidnappers pa ba sa panahon na ’to?”

“Yeah,” sabi niya habang nagda-drive na kami pabalik sa resort. “When I was younger, I had been almost kidnapped twice.”

“Ha?!”

He nodded like it was no big deal at nagkkwento lang siya. “I was kind of a loner back then—very easy to grab. I think that was the point wherein I started to make friends. In my mind, at least I can use them as shield and then I just have to run quickly.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. The fuck… bata pa lang ay siraulo na siya. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 24 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 14

Akala ko talaga medyo magiging weird… pero hindi naman. Bumalik kami sa resort. Nagdinner kami. Tumambay sa labas habang umiinom ng beer. He did talk about his experience in the org and even gave me tips on how to score networks.

“May tanong ako,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“What?” he replied habang naka-tingin lang siya sa dagat sa harapan namin. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita kasi… wow. Ang ganda ng side-profile niya. May mga tao talaga na sinwerte lang sa lotto ng buhay, noh? Isipin mo, gwapo na, matalino na, mayaman pa. May attitude problem lang, but seriously, who would care? Mababaw pa naman mostly ang mga tao (admittedly, kasama ako). Wala silang pakielam sa ugali mo basta maganda kang tignan.

Tsk.

May pretty privilege din naman ako! Hindi naman ako panget!

“What?” he repeated nang mapansin niya na hindi pa rin ako nagsasalita.

Immediately, I straightened my back. I saw him chuckling. Bakit ba ang lakas ng spidey senses ng tao na ’to?! Alam niya agad kahit anong pagtry ko na ’wag ipakita sa kanya kung ano ang tumatakbo sa utak ko.

“Like the view?” he asked. Of course he’d tease me! Mamamatay siguro siya kung hindi.

“Iniisip ko lang kung nagpa-rhino ka,” mabilis na sagot ko.

“Is this your way of asking me to show you childhood pics?”

My head quickly snapped at his direction at napaawang iyong labi ko. Seriously?! How did he end up with that conclusion?!

“Alam mo—” sabi ko tapos ay napa-hinto ako dahil once again, alam ko naman na ’di ako mananalo sa diskusyon sa tao na ’to. “Sa future, wala ka bang balak magpolitics?” tanong ko sa kanya kasi honestly? May future siya. Gwapo siya tapos magaling magpa-ikot ng salita—’yan lang naman mostly ang kailangan mo.

“Never thought about it,” sabi niya.

“Bakit? Ano ba’ng plano mo after graduation?” I asked.

Grabe, isang taon lang naman ang tanda niya sa akin pero parang mas ahead na siya sa buhay niya. Gusto kong isipin na sinayang ko iyong buong first year ko sa mga pinaggagagawa ko but then again… if not then, when would I ever? Ayoko naman dumating sa death bed ko na nanghihinayang ako sa mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa dati.

“Nothing’s set in stone yet,” sabi niya.

“Pero may idea ka na?”

“Of course,” sagot niya. “How about you?”

I shrugged. “Basta magstay sa Manila.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “That’s it?”

“Yup.”

“Seems doable.”

“Para sa ’yo siguro.”

“How come?”

Sumimsim muna ako sa beer ko bago ako nagsalita kasi… talaga bang mag-o-open up ako sa kanya? Kay Joaquin? Of all people? E ni kila James nga hindi ako nag-o-open up, e. Ewan ko… siguro kasi may image ako na pino-project sa kanila? Na once na malaman nila na malungkot iyong private life ko baka maawa sila sa akin?

At least kapag hindi nila alam, pwede akong magpanggap.

Napa-tingin ako kay Joaquin.

Hindi ko naman kailangang magpanggap sa kanya… ’di ba?

“Ayoko lang umuwi ulit sa province namin.”

“Avoiding someone?”

“Avoiding my parents.”

“Oh.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “Di mo itatanong kung bakit?”

He shrugged. “Seems personal,” sabi niya. “You can tell me if you want to share—otherwise, I’m good with us just drinking in silence.”

Bahagyang napa-kunot iyong noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya. That sounded so… mature and considerate of him? Akalain mo nga naman?

“I mean, it’s personal pero hindi naman kakaiba,” sabi ko. “Gusto mong hulaan?”

Tumingin siya sa akin. “I can… but it feels insensitive to make a game out of this.”

I shrugged. “Ako naman nag-aya, e.”

“Okay,” sabi niya. “They don’t know that you’re gay?”

“Wrong,” sabi ko. “Alam nila.”

“You told them?”

“More or less…”

“What do you mean ’more or less?” tanong niya na bahagyang nagka-salubong ang mga kilay.

“I mean, obvious naman?”

“How come?” he asked. “Had you not blatantly followed me around and tried to grab me—”

I glared at him. “For the one hundredth time, sinubukan ko lang punasan ’yung natapon na beer!”

Tumawa siya. “If you say so.”

“Epal ka talaga!”

Tumawa pa rin siya. “But yeah. If not for—’ I glared at him. “For some… instances,” he continued. “I would never know.”

I arched a brow. “Bakit? Kasi kapag bading kailangan flamboyant?”

“Now, when did I say that?”

“Then what were you trying to say?” I quickly shot back.

A small grin appeared on his face like he was enjoying the back and forth that we were doing. He raised his free hand like he was accepting defeat.

“Fine,” he said. “My bad but… you know?”

Inirapan ko lang siya. “Now you know,” sabi ko na lang sa kanya.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “So, how was it obvious?” he asked. “To your parents?”

“Nung bata pa ako—”

“So you knew your calling early?”

I glared at him. “Dami mong comment.”

He shrugged as he smirked. Tsk. “Anyways, now that I think about it, hindi ko sure kung obvious ba talaga pero as someone na nasa private-Catholic school nag-aral, required kami na magsimba every weekend.”

“Required? As in part of your grades?”

I nodded. “May mass card kami na pinapa-pirmahan sa mga lay minister after mass. Tapos minsan kailangan magsubmit ng essay tungkol sa homily.”

“What a weird requirement.”

“True, pero ganon talaga,” sabi ko na lang kasi ano pa ang magagawa ko? Naka-graduate na ako at lahat. “Kapag communion time na, doon ako pipila palagi sa kung nasaan iyong crush ko na sakristan. Kahit nasa kabilang dulo siya, doon din ako pupunta.”

Napa-kunot ang noo ko nang mapa-tingin ako sa gawi niya. Ayan na naman iyong ngisi sa mukha niya. Sarap burahin, e.

“Ano na naman?” naka-angal na tanong ko.

“Nothing,” sabi niya na naka-ngisi pa rin.

“Ano nga?”

“Is your motto in life go after what you want? “ tanong niya. Mas lalong lumalim iyong pagkaka-kunot ng noo ko. “Because what you told me just reminded me of all those times when you were following me around.”

Agad na napaawang iyong labi ko. My god! Iyon na ata ang pinaka-malaking pagkakamali na magagawa ko sa buong buhay ko dahil lagi niya atang isusumbat sa akin ’yon! Siguro kung magiging magkaibigan pa rin kami sa future, lagi niyang sasabihin ’to every now and then.

“Ewan ko sa ’yo,” sabi ko tapos ibinaling ko iyong tingin ko sa iba at saka tinungga iyong beer ko.

I heard his satisfied laughter. “What? No negative reaction?”

“Bakit pa? Hindi ka naman papatalo.”

“Yes, but still… arguing is fun, right?”

“Fun mo mukha mo. Every time na nakikipagtalo ako sa ’yo, pakiramdam ko nababawasan ang lifespan ko.”

“Different for me—I enjoy arguing with you.”

Alam ko na dapat hindi ako tumingin sa kanya nung sinabi niya ’yon… but then again, kailan ba ako nakinig sa logical na side ng utak ko? Kasi kung oo, malamang wala ako dito ngayon. Kasi sino ba ang matinong tao ang sasama sa bakasyon ng tao na alam mo na may masamang binabalak sa ’yo?

Pero nagawa ko na.

Napatingin na ako.

And… I didn’t hate the look on his face.

But it did confuse me.

---

Ngayon, naintindihan ko na iyong mga tao sa PBB—not that ilang buwan kami na nasa resort kasi apat na araw lang naman. Pero sa apat na araw na ’yon, halos hindi ko nagamit iyong cellphone ko dahil either nagsu-swimming kami ni Joaquin o kaya naman e pinipilit niya ako na sumama sa morning jogging niya.

Buti na lang at aware ako sa masamang balak ni Joaquin kasi kung hindi?

Tsk.

Gets ko na iyong mga housemate na na-i-inlove.

Mabuti na lang at babalik na kami sa real world.

“Di pa tayo uuwi?” I asked nung huminto kami sa harap ng isang resto. Wala pa namang pasok bukas, pero mas okay ’yon kasi at least may one day buffer kami.

“Let’s have dinner first,” sabi niya.

“Oh… okay.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Wala naman. Bakit? Masama na magtanong?”

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. “I was just thinking that we’re both tired. Didn’t think you’d want to cook when you get back.”

“Sino nagsabing magluluto pa ako? Either matutulog na agad ako o magfafasting ako.”

He rolled his eyes again. “Again with the diet?” sabi niya. “If you wanna be fit, just go to the gym. Stop starving yourself.”

“Wala akong oras. Dami mo kayang pinapagawa sa org.”

He rolled his eyes again as we were walking. May sinabi na naman siya na sermon pero hindi ko napakinggan kasi mas napansin ko iyong group ng babae na tumingin kay Joaquin nung magka-salubong kami. Tsk. Iba talaga kapag pogi. Galing pa sa byahe ’tong si Joaquin. Hindi pa ito iyong best form niya, pero napapa-tingin agad iyong mga babae.

“Were you even listening?” he asked, his forehead slightly creased in annoyance.

Umiling ako. “Hindi.”

His jaw dropped. “Wow.”

“Dami mo kasing sinasabi. Minsan kapag pakiramdam ko papunta na sa sermon, hindi na ako nakikinig,” diretsong sabi ko sa kanya habang binabasa ko iyong menu. Ramdam ko na naka-tingin lang sa akin si Joaquin at mukhang shocked and speechless siya. Bakit? Totoo naman! Minsan kaya ang dami-dami niyang sinasabi. Maigsi lang attention span ko, noh! Kung gusto niyang makinig ako, dapat maging interesting siya.

He was still looking at me with disbelief hanggang unti-unting napapa-iling siya.

“This is what I get for caring about your health.”

“Health my ass. Naninigarilyo ka kaya.”

“Better than your watermelon flavored air.”

“So, feeling mo mas cool ka?”

“Obviously.”

“Tss. At the end, pareho lang masusunog ang baga natin.”

“Based on research, you’ll get there first.”

I waived my hand. “Same ending,” sabi ko. “Saka ’yon lang nagpapasaya sa akin kaya ’wag kang hater.”

“How sad is your life that vape is your only source of happiness?” he asked… sounding really curious, but Joaquin just had a knack na kapag siya ang nagtatanong, parang ma-o-offend ka talaga agad.

“Basta,” sabi ko na lang at mabuti ay dumating na iyong waitress dahil balak na naman ata magtanong nito ng kung anuman. Minsan ata e feeling niya nasa job interview kami.

Si Joaquin iyong nagbayad ng dinner namin. Mukhang pakiramdam niya ata ay broke college student ako (na totoo naman) at balak niya magpa-feeding program.

“Salamat sa bakasyon,” sabi ko nung huminto kami sa harap ng condo ko. Hindi naman ako na-guilty na hinatid niya ako kasi nasa kabilang kanto lang naman siya.

He gave me a small nod. “If I didn’t buy dinner, you really will starve yourself?” he asked. ’Di pa rin siya tapos don?

“Fasting nga kasi.”

“Fasting is when you voluntarily skip meal—not when you can’t have a meal.”

“Semantics,” I said but he just stared at me. His stares told me na ’di siya magmomove on sa topic na ’to. I rolled my eyes. “May pera ako, okay? May allowance ako. Hindi ako magugutom.”

Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita.

Bakit ko ba ’to ginagawa?!

I logged in to my online bank at pinakita sa kanya na may laman naman ’yon.

“Okay na?” I asked tapos pinatay ko na iyong phone ko. Nang mapa-tingin ako sa kanya, there was this… unreadable expression on his face.

“You’re really broke,” he said.

Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi ko. “Anong broke?! Kaka-pakita ko pa lang sa ’yo na may pera ako!”

“You call that money?”

“E ano ’yon?!”

“I don’t know.”

The past few days e okay naman kami… akala ko matatapos iyong mini bakasyon na okay lang kami… mali pala ako. I spent good ten minutes arguing with him na may pera naman ako! I even told him na may sosobra pa doon kami kumain ako three times a day. My god! Bakit biglang kailangan ko i-defend ang budget ko sa burgis na ’to?!

**

This story is already at Chapter 25 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 15

“Akala ko sa condo ka lang?” agad na tanong sa akin ni James nang magkita kami.

“Ah…” I said as I took my seat. “Na-bore ako, e.”

“San ka pumunta?” he asked.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. Alam niya ba kasama ko si Joaquin? Impossible! Unless nandon din siya at nakita niya kami? Hindi naman ako nagpost na kasama ko si Joaquin! Asa naman! E ’di lalong nadagdagan iyong mga bagay na sinusumbat sa akin nung ulupong na ’yon.

“Bakit?” I asked back.

Kumunot din ang noo niya. “Grabe? Gate-keeper?” sagot niya. “Nagtatanong lang—” sabi niya tapos ay napa-hinto siya. Bigla akong kinabahan dahil biglang nag-iba iyong tingin niya. He shifted in his seat para mas naka-harap siya sa akin. He rested his chin on both of his palms and then stared at me as his grin grew on his face.

“Franco,” he called.

I gulped. I knew I looked uncomfortable. Fuck!

“Ano?” sagot ko na lang as I tried to feign innocence.

“Sino kasama mo?”

“Wala,” mabilis na sagot ko. Asa naman na aamin ako na kasama ko si Joaquin!

“Sino?” he asked again.

“Wala nga.”

“Tss. May bago kang lalaki?”

“Mukha bang may oras ako sa bagong lalaki?”

“Hindi bago? So, luma? Sino?”

“Tsk. Wala nga.”

“I thought friends,” dramatic na sabi niya. “Pero sige. Hanggang hindi ka pa ready na sabihin sa amin kung sino ’yang tinatago mong lalaki.”

Napa-tingin ako kay Andrew na… wala ba talaga siyang pakielam sa buhay ko? Hindi ko gets iyong mga tao na naturally walang pakielam sa chismis. Hindi ba boring ’yon?

“Wala nga akong tinatago. Wala akong lalaki, okay?”

James shrugged. “If you say so,” sabi niya. “San ka na lang pumunta?”

I sighed. I knew I had to answer this one dahil hindi ko na sinagot iyong tanong niya kanina.

“Punta Fuego,” I said.

“Batangas?”

I nodded. “Yup.”

“Members-only don, ’di ba?”

I shrugged kasi hindi ko rin naman alam. Hindi naman ako masyadong nag-usisa tungkol sa pamilya ni Joaquin—all I knew is that mayaman talaga siya. Not that he ever denied that. In fact, he even liked to flaunt it—that fucking show-off. Pero at least honest naman siya sa parte na mas madali sa kanya bilhin iyong admiration ng mga tao.

Minsan… sobrang honest niya.

I wonder if the people around him knew that version of him?

O ako lang?

Ano ba ’tong mga iniisip ko! Nakaka-kilabot!

“Sana magkatuluyan kayo niyang secret friend mo para maka-ambon naman kami ng grasya.”

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. “Magkatuluyan mo mukha mo.”

James grinned at me. “Pogi siguro noh? I mean, mababaw ka kayang tao, so sigurado ako na pogi ’yan.”

I faked a gasp. “Grabe naman sa mababaw!”

“Bakit? Mali ba ako?”

“Syempre gusto ko na kapag nakikita ko siya, natutuwa ako.”

“Di ka ba naniniwala na love is blind? Kapag mahal mo, magiging gwapo ’yan sa paningin mo.”

“Sa inyo na lahat ng pangit.”

Tumawa si James. “Tapos sinasabihan mo si Joaquin na masama ugali? Match made in hell kaya kayong dalawa—” sabi niya tapos ay napa-tigil siya sa pagsasalita. Nagsalubong iyong mga kilay niya at nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Don’t tell me—”

Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin… which I probably shouldn’t have done dahil mas mukha akong defensive.

“The hell!” malakas na sabi niya na dahilan kung bakit napa-tingin sa amin iyong mga ibang tao na nananahimik sa mga pwesto nila. “Si Joaquin kasama mo?!” mahina pero may kasamang kurot na tanong ni James.

“Aray naman!”

“So, siya nga! Ni hindi ka nagdeny!”

Tumingin ako kay Andrew para sa tulong pero bigla siyang nawala. Iniwan niya ba kami? Impossible. Nandito pa iyong gamit niya.

“Oo na, oo na,” I said, realizing na walang tutulong sa akin dito. “Pero pwede ba gumamit ng codeword? Mamaya ma-chismis na naman kami.”

The way James’ eyes sparkled… tsk. Chismis talaga ang bumubuhay sa kanya.

“Fine,” he said with that glimmer in his eyes. “Let’s call him… Mr. Extra-Curricular.”

“Obvious masyado.”

“Siya lang ba maraming extra-curricular sa school na ’to?”

“Malay ko—updated ba ako sa ganap ng ibang students?”

“Pilosopo nito,” sabi niya na naka-irap. “Fine. Si Mr. Right na lang.”

I gave him a disgusted look. “Kadiri, ha.”

“Common naman na code name ’yon. Dami mong sinasabi. Magsimula ka na kung paano ka napadpad doon kasama si Mr. Wrong,” sabi niya na biglang binago iyong code name… pero mas bagay nga iyong Mr. Wrong.

Dahil pakiramdam ko medyo weird kung sisimulan ko sa araw na inaya ako ni Joaquin magbakasyon, sinabi ko muna iyong mga ganap the past few months. Isipin mo ’yon? Medyo matagal na rin pala. Hindi ko lang napansin at naramdaman kasi marami ding nangyari sa acads ko. Saka mostly bwisit at stressed lang talaga ako kay Joaquin.

“What the hell?” sabi niya nang finally ay matapos na ako. Medyo hiningal ako. Tsk. Naalala ko na naman si Joaquin. Sigurado kung nandito ’yon at nakita akong kapos sa hininga dahil lang nagkwento ako ay hindi ako titigilan non.

“Lahat ’yan nangyari ng hindi namin—” sabi niya at napa-tingin siya sa pwesto ni Andrew na bakante pa rin. Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa akin. “Nangyari ’yan na hindi namin alam?”

“You talk as if may secret relationship kami.”

“Might as well! Ano’ng kalandian iyong midnight coffee and drives niyo?”

“Kaka-sabi ko lang na pinilit niya ako don.”

“Nagpa-pilit ka naman.”

“Ano’ng magagawa ko? Nasa harap ko na siya non.”

“At nasa harap ka na rin ng condo mo. Kung ayaw mo talaga, madaling umuwi.”

“Ugh. Tapos na, okay?”

“So…” he said and then grinned. “Nagkiss na kayo?”

Hindi ako nagsalita. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanya iyong makeout na nangyari nung party sa bahay ni Joaquin kasi… hindi ba considered na i-a-out ko siya? Kahit hindi naman siya bading? Pero hinalikan niya ako! Hindi ba at the very least, bisexual siya?

At bakit bigla kong naging problema ’yon?!

“Hindi,” sagot ko na lang.

“Hmm… Pero base sa kwento mo, pakiramdam ko ay soon na.”

“Soon mo mukha mo,” sabi ko. “Baka comfortable lang talaga siya sa ’kin.”

“Hindi bagay sa ’yo maging dense.”

“Hindi rin bagay sa akin maging delulu.”

James looked at me. I arched a brow. “Ano? Hindi ba mas pangit kung lalagyan ko ng meaning lahat ng ginagawa niya? Kung si Andrew ang magdala sa akin sa Batangas at saka i-drive ako around Manila, ganito pa rin ba ang usapan?”

“Iba naman si Andrew.”

I dismissively waived my hand. “Still,” sabi ko. “Saka ikaw na kaya nagsabi na ’wag ma-inlove sa straight.”

“Sinabi ko ’yon before ko malaman lahat ng pinaggagawa niyong dalawa.”

“Which is nothing,” sabi ko. “Seriously… may kulay lang naman dahil alam mo na may crush ako sa kanya dati. Pero… at the very least, we’re friends now.”

Hindi nagsalita si James for a while. I knew that although I haven’t won the war, I have won this battle.

“Fine,” sabi ni James. “Fine,” he repeated as though he was the one who needed convincing. “Tama ka naman. Unless explicitly magsabi si Joaquin o kaya naman e halikan ka niya—friends at platonic lang dapat. ’Yan ang susi para hindi masaktan.”

Halikan?

We already did that.

Did that mean that I was screwed?

Fuck.

---

Akala ko dahil kaka-simula lang ulit ng final period ay wala muna kaming ganap sa org… But of course, I was wrong. Ang intense ng AIESEC. Walang pahinga. Gusto ko talagang magskip kaya lang naaalala ko iyong sinabi sa akin ni Joaquin dati na wala namang pumilit sa akin na sumali saka… totoo naman. Unfair if tatakas ako e pare-pareho naman kaming busy.

Dahil maagang nagdismiss iyong klase ko, maaga din akong napa-punta sa venue nung meeting. Hindi muna ako pumasok. Akalain mo ’yon? Si Joaquin pa ang pinaka-close ko sa buong org? As if naman may ibang option pa e hindi ko naman ka-close talaga iyong iba.

“The fuck!” sabi ko na naka-hawak sa dibdib ko dahil nagulat ako sa biglang pagsulpot ni Joaquin.

“Knew you’d be here with your watermelon flavored air,” sabi niya.

“Tigilan mo nga ’yung vape ko,” sagot ko.

Tumayo siya sa gilid ko at sumandal din. Nilabas niya iyong sigarilyo niya na mabaho. Mas masaya kaya magvape.

“What?” he asked nang makita niya na naka-tingin ako sa kanya. “You wanna try?” sabi niya habang hawak sa pagitan ng mga daliri niya iyong sigarilyo na galing sa pagitan ng mga labi niya.

“No, thanks,” I replied as I averted gaze kasi ano? Papa-try niya sa ’kin ’yon e galing sa bibig niya?

“If you wanna destroy your lungs, at least do it properly.”

“May proper way ba ’yon?”

“Yeah.”

“Sino may sabi?”

“Me.”

“Ah.”

“Just one huff,” he said. “You don’t mind, right? After all,” he said as his voice slightly went lower… dahil ba baka may maka-rinig sa kanya? “We already swap spit and everything.”

I knew what was coming pero nabulunan pa rin ako sa usok dahil sa pagkabigla sa sinabi niya. Bakit ba hindi na lang siya maging normal at sabihin na nagmomol kami?!

Joaquin was obviously enjoying habang hindi ako maka-hinga nang maayos dahil sa pagka-stress sa kanya.

“Oo na, para tumigil ka na,” sabi ko tapos ay inagaw sa kanya iyong sigarilyo. Humipak ako ng isa. Sanay naman ako, pero ayoko lang talaga ng amoy saka may aftertaste—come to think of it, lasing lang ba talaga ako o walang bakas ng sigarilyo si Joaquin nung hinalikan niya ako?

“What?” he asked when he caught me staring.

I knew I should not say what I just thought of, pero hindi ba unfair? Siya, libre na sabihin kung anuman unang random na bagay ang pumasok sa utak niya tapos ako, ano? Walking on thin ice? Asa naman!

“Nothing,” I said as I continued to smoke his cigarette. “Was just thinking kasi sa iba, nalalasahan ko ’yung bakas ng sigarilyo pero sa ’yo?” I continued as I threw him a look. “Either wala lang talagang lasa o… forgettable lang talaga.”

Joaquin was looking at me.

Why was I started to get unnerved?

At bakit lumubog na pala iyong araw?! Ng hindi ko napapansin?! Bakit biglang madilim na sa paligid?!

“If you want me to kiss you again, you have to ask nicely.”

I scoffed. “As if.”

“What? You don’t want me to? You don’t want to confirm if I taste like cigarette?”

“Hmm… Not really.”

I was actually a bit proud of myself that I was not a bubbling mess kasi… ’di ba nilalandi niya ako?! Kakasabi ko lang kay James na ayoko maging delusional pero tangina?! Ganito ba makipag-usap sa friends? Kasi hindi ko naman ganito kausapin friends ko?!

“Okay,” he said. “I guess you’ll just have to wonder about it, then.”

I turned my head to look at him. “You really think I’ll ask you to kiss me?” I asked as his cigarette were in between my fingers.

A small grin appeared on his face as he reached for the cigarette, smoked a huff, looked at me once again, and said, “I don’t think it—I know it,” he said as he leaned in closer… but it was painfully taking so long that I grew impatient as I grabbed him close and I didn’t know what the fuck happened… All I knew was that I was grabbing him by his collar, kissing him, as the cigarette stick remained lit in between his fingers. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 29 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 16

The fact na wala akong maalala sa nangyari nung meeting wasn’t surprising at all—in fact, mas namangha ako kay Joaquin! He acted like nothing happened—even gave a speech and everything! I mean, probably because for him, it was nothing? Just two dudes kissing in the fucking dark?

Ano na ba ang nangyayari sa mundo?!

Nang magdismiss iyong meeting, umalis na agad ako. Diretso lang akong naglakad hanggang sa maka-balik ako sa condo. Didn’t even bother to check my phone at the chance na baka nagmessage sa akin si Joaquin.

I just… needed to think.

Kasi ano ba ang ginagawa ko?

Obviously—honestly, what was even obvious at this point? It’s not like I could just ask him kung ano kami… or should I? Sigurado ako na titignan lang ako non na parang nasisiraan na ako ng bait… and then he’d constantly use that against me like ‘remember that time when you asked me if I have feelings for you?’ I knew for damn sure na gagawin niya ’yon.

But then again… sa dami ng ginagawa ko sa school at sa org, idadagdag ko pa ba ’to?

Tama.

Mas okay na sabihin ko kay Joaquin para at least aware siya na nakaka-gago siya. Kung tawanan niya man ako, fine whatever. Okay lang basta magkaka-peace of mind ako after.

The next day, I woke up. I grabbed my phone as part of my morning routine. Hindi ko alam kung bakit disappointed ako na walang message o kung anuman galing kay Joaquin.

And then that fucked up realization na nandito na naman ako.

Shit.

Ganito ako sa unang lalaki na nagustuhan ko.

My whole world would spin and stop depending on his every whim. Na para bang ultimo paghinga ko ay naka-depende sa kanya. Took me quite a while to break free from that… It was hard. To have your feelings completely dependent on another person. I thought I knew better, yet nandito na naman ako.

Better cut this in the bud.

Taena. Ayoko na mapunta na talaga ako doon na parang gago na naghihintay sa bawat text at mina-microanalyze bawat salita na nanggagaling sa kanya. Nakaka-sira ng ulo.

With that thought in my mind, I got ready for school. Dumiretso ako sa klase ko at nagconcentrate doon. I kept on reminding myself of the goal—to be successful and to live in the city. Honestly, kahit siguro hindi Manila… Maybe I’d be free in a whole different country. But that’s for the future. For now, I’d focus on studying kasi ito ang unang pag-asa ko.

Diretso lahat ng subjects ko na isang dry na sandwich lang ang nakain ko for lunch. Nakaka-tamad din kasi talagang kumain kapag maraming ginagawa. Napuputol iyong train of thought ko kapag hihinto pa ako para kumain. Siguro kaya never ako tumaba sa buong buhay ko kasi mas pipiliin ko talaga magutom kaysa sa kung anuman.

Around 5:30PM, natapos na ako sa huling klase ko for the day. Pagod na pagod na ako. Gusto ko na lang magcollapse sa kama ko at matulog kaya lang ay parang may boses sa utak ko na pinapagalitan ako at sinasabi na ’wag akong matulog na literal na isang sandwich lang ang kinain ko buong araw.

“Tss. As in may pakielam talaga sa ’kin ’yon,” I murmured as I walked towards the convenience store para bumili ng pagkain. Gustuhin ko mang magluto, wala na akong lakas. “Ni hindi nga nagtext. Kapal ng mukha. After akong halikan?! The audacity!”

Bumili lang ako ng fried chicken at saka rice. Nang magbabayad na ako, napa-tingin ako sa mga kaha ng sigarilyo sa may counter. Taena naman… Ano ’to? Tuwing makaka-kita ako ng sigarilyo, maaalala ko siya? Same na kapag nakaka-kita ako ng alak, naalala ko din ’yung nangyari nung party?!

Sisirain niya ba lahat ng bisyo ko?! Ito ba ang way niya para maging healthy living ako?!

Mukhang sobrang sama ng expression sa mukha ko dahil naka-tingin sa akin iyong tao sa counter na parang natatakot na siya. I smiled apologetically. Nagta-trabaho lang nang maayos iyong tao tapos na-stress pa ata sa akin.

I walked home. I ate my dinner. Walang text mula sa hayop na ’yon.

So, ganon na lang?

Kiss and ditch?

Tsk.

Whatever.

---

“Ayos ka lang?” naka-kunot ang noo na tanong sa akin ni Andrew.

Napa-tingin ako sa cake sa harapan ko. Lasog-lasog na pala ’yon. “Ah… Yup. May iniisip lang na requirement,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Thankfully ay wala si James dahil for sure ay makaka-ramdam agad iyon na Joaquin related iyong problema ko. Kasi naman. Thursday na! Walang paramdam! Tapos Friday na bukas… and may party na naman sa org.

“Bilang rational na tao,” sabi ko habang naka-tingin kay Andrew. “If hinalikan ni A si B tapos hindi nagparamdam bigla si A, ano’ng ibig sabihin non?”

“Busy si A.”

“Sobrang busy na ni hindi makapagtext?”

“Ano ba si A saka B?”

“Uh… magka-kilala?”

“Required ba na magtext si A kay B?”

Tsk. I hate logic! Nasaan ba si James na mas okay mag-advise?

Hindi ko na ginulo pa si Andrew dahil susunod na sasabihin sa akin nito ay wala naman akong dapat i-expect dahil wala naman kami… na tama naman siya. Pero kailangan ko bang marinig ’yon? Oo naman. Dapat iyong mga ganyang bagay ay naririnig para masampal ng katotohanan.

---

Come Friday, on one side, iniisip ko na magskip na lang sa party kasi… as in naman kailangan ako doon. On the other hand, bakit naman ako hindi pupunta? Dahil lang hindi nagparamdam sa akin si Joaquin? Saka ’di ba chance ko na para makausap siya doon?

Tama.

Enough na iyong one week ng overthinking. Matutuluyan na ako kung mag-e-extend pa ’to next week.

Admittedly, I was trying too hard… Well, in my head, kung masasabon man ako ni Joaquin ngayon (na honestly, malaki ang posibilidad knowing his personality), at least mukha man lang akong tao! I wore white straight leg denim jeans, grey shortsleeved button down polo, with my grey sneakers. Ginamit ko rin iyong pabango ko na sa special occasion ko lang ginagamit. I mean, ma-realtalk man ako, at least mabango ako!

Nung tinignan ko iyong sarili ko sa salamin, mukhang okay naman na… Pero parang may kulang pa rin. Ang tagal kong naka-tingin nang ma-figure out ko kung ano iyong kulang.

“What the fuck?” sabi ko habang naka-tingin ulit sa salamin. Nagsuot ako ng diamond stud earring (na pakshet si Joaquin kapag tinanong niya ako kung totoo ba—malamang hindi totoo!). “Bakit mukha akong fuck boy?”

I debated kung magpapalit ba ako ng suot but then I decided what the hell.

Nag-grab ako papunta sa may party house ni Joaquin. Medyo late na ako kasi ilang beses akong nag-isip kung tama ba ang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. I even downed a shot of soju para sa lakas ng loob! Akala mo naman magcoconfess ako ng undying love ko!

Pagdating ko doon, ang una kong naisip ay dapat pala inubos ko na iyong isang bote ng soju. Bakit ba sobrang kabado ko?! Mukhang tanga!

Huminga ako nang malalim bago nagsimulang maglakad papasok. Akala ko e malakas na iyong tugtog pero mas malakas pa rin pala iyong kabog ng dibdib ko. Kinakabahan ako. Kung ma-realtalk man ako nang malala… sana may mag-away ulit tapos may dumating na pulis para ma-distract si Joaquin. Pero hindi naman seryosong away!

Ano ba ’tong mga iniisip ko!

Pagpasok ko sa loob, ewan ko kung heightened lang ba lahat sa akin o iba iyong tingin sa akin ng mga tao? Ano? Dahil ba mukha akong fuck boy ngayon?! Kahit ako naninibago!

Dumiretso ako sa kusina para kumuha ulit ng beer. Hanggang beer muna dahil baka matuluyan ako kung uminom ako ng hard drinks.

Pero unang hakbang ko pa lang papasok sa kusina ay napa-hinto agad ako.

Ah.

Ano ba ang ineexpect ko? Malamang straight at curious lang naman talaga ’tong ulupong na ’to. Bakit ba nagugulat pa ako tuwing may kausap ’tong babae? Mas magugulat naman ako kung may lalaking kausap ’to.

Joaquin probably felt me staring at him kaya napa-tingin siya sa akin. A small grin appeared on his face—like he was pleased to actually see me kahit isang linggo na wala siyang paramdam after niyang mukbangin iyong labi ko. Leche talaga ’to. Lakas ng trip sa buhay!

“Look who’s here,” sabi ni Joaquin.

I gave him a forced smile and small nod. Alangan namang sumimangot ako? Naglakad ako papunta sa ref para kuhanin iyong dapat naman talagang kukunin ko. I grabbed the first beer na nakita ko. Nang tumalikod ako, ni hindi na ako nagulat pa dahil alam ko naman na naka-tayo siya doon… either dahil ramdam ko dahil naamoy ko iyong pabango niya.

Either way, I realized how… peaceful my life was when he wasn’t in it.

Because his mere presence is already bringing chaos.

“Problema mo?” I asked, acting casual habang mahigpit iyong hawak ko sa may can ng beer na hindi na ako magugulat kung may dent na ’yon.

He shrugged. “Nothing.”

I gave a small nod. “Okay. Weirdo,” sabi ko tapos naglakad ako palabas.

Fine. Kakausapin ko siya… mamaya. I needed to calm myself down—or probably get a little more drunk kasi… ang hirap niya kausapin! Hindi ko siya maintindihan!

Ang daming tao. Ang saya nila. Dumiretso ako sa may likuran. Ang gulo nila sa pool. Wala ako sa mood biglang mabasa at baka may maitulak ako sa pool at masabihan pa ako na may attitude problem. Dumiretso na lang ako at saka naglakad hanggang sa maka-hanap ako ng semi-secluded na lugar (na maingay pa rin). Honestly… ano’ng klaseng hatak meron pamilya na ’to? Hindi ba dapat naba-barangay na sila sa noise complaint?

I quietly sat there until someone probably got the same idea.

“Franco, right?” sabi niya.

Kumunot ako. “Yeah…” na-weirduhan ko na sagot.

“What? You don’t know me?”

Umiling ako. “No. Sino ka ba?”

“We played beer pong,” he said.

“Ah,” sagot ko. “Sorry. Mahina ako sa mukha.”

“That’s cool,” he said and then offered his hand pero bago pa man siya makapagpakilala, sabay kaming napa-tingin sa may nagsalita.

There he was.

Joaquin was standing before us. There was… honestly, normal naman itsura niya. But I probably knew him—at least a bit better as compared to others—na alam ko na fake ’yang expression sa mukha niya.

“They’re looking for you,” he said, looking straightly doon sa kausap ko na hindi ko na malalaman iyong pangalan.

“Oh. Thanks,” sabi niya. Tumingin siya sa ’kin. “I’ll see you around,” he told me with a small smile bago siya umalis.

And now, I was left with Joaquin.

Great.

I wasn’t drunk enough for whatever conversation we’re about to have… probably.

Joaquin took the empty spot opposite from me. Admittedly, he looked so good. Bakit ba ako laging nagugulat? Lagi naman siyang gwapo—kahit kakagaling niya lang sa jogging, pogi pa rin. Tsk. Life is unfair talaga.

“How are you still single?” bigla niyang tanong.

“Ha?”

“This is the second time I’ve caught you with someone.”

Kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa napaka-weird na observation niya. “Second time—” Huminto ako. “Whatever.”

Joaquin crossed his legs and tilted his head to the side. “So, what’s up with you?” he asked.

I shrugged. “School. Duh.”

“Won’t you ask me?”

“Nope. Not interested.”

Tumawa siya. “I see.”

Then there was silence.

Uminom ako ng beer.

Ngayon ko na ba sasabihin? Taena. Pero saan ako magsisimula?! Mukhang gago ampota.

“Joaquin,” I called his name.

He didn’t even need to turn his head to look at me because he was already looking at me.

“Bakit mo ako hinalikan ulit?” I asked. As hard as I tried, I feared that my voice still trembled a little. I hoped he didn’t notice it.

“I just felt like it,” he replied casually.

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot.

Taena.

Ito ba ’yung sagot sa tanong na ‘was it casual?’

“Why?” he asked.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Gets,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Wag mo na lang ulitin ulit.”

“Why?” he asked again. “Didn’t you enjoy?”

“Not the point.”

“So, you did enjoy.”

“Again, not the point,” I reiterated. “I don’t kiss my friends,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Ikaw namimilit sa akin na maging friends tayo, ’di ba? So, ’wag mo na ulit ulitin ’yon. If friends, friends lang. Walang halikan na magaganap.”

Hindi agad siya nagsalita. Bakit? Iniisip niya pa? Hindi ba dapat automatic na oo ang sagot niya? As if naman may gusto siya sa akin. Saka daming babae d’yan na for sure willing makipaglandian sa kanya.

“Why?” he asked again.

I groaned. “Bakit ba ang dami mong tanong? Umoo ka na lang.”

“Sure, but I’m curious,” sabi niya. “Why are you so affected? It’s just a kiss… unless you do like me?”

I made a face at him. Mabuti na lang. “Asa ka pa,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Ayoko lang ng blurred lines or whatever. Kapag friends, friends lang. ’Di ako nakikipaghalikan sa mga kaibigan ko,” dugtong ko. Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. “Okay na? Clear na? Last na ’yung nangyari last time.”

“What prompted this conversation?” he asked.

I shrugged. Ano? Sasabihin ko sa kanya na nag-overthink ako buong linggo dahil lang ’di siya nagtext?

“Bakit ba ang dami mong tanong? May gusto ka ba sa ’kin?” Hindi ko rin alam kung saan nanggaling iyong lakas ng loob at kapal ng mukha ko para itanong sa kanya iyon.

He looked at me—probably for only a few seconds but damn, it felt like fucking forever.

“No,” he said. “I don’t like you like that,” he continued.

I gave him a smile and nodded. “Good. Then it’s settled,” I added tapos tumayo ako. “Ubos na. Kuha lang ulit ako,” sabi ko sa kanya at saka mabilis na tumayo at naglakad palayo sa kanya. At that moment, I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.

**

This story is already at Chapter 30 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 17

Why the fuck was I so bummed out e alam ko naman na 90%, iyon ang sasabihin niya sa akin? Was I under some impression na iba ang isasagot niya? I mean… fuck. Fine. May 1% siguro na umaasa. Pero naman kasi! Why the fuck was he kissing me like he wanted to devour me?! Sa lahat ng taong nahalikan ko, siya lang iyong parang—

Tsk.

Sige. Reminisce pa. Mukhang gago ampota.

I told myself na beer lang ang iinumin ko ngayong gabi, but then again, I was entitled to change my mind. Tapos naman na iyong usapan kuno namin ni Joaquin. At least klaro na—mahilig lang talaga manghalik si gago. Baka hobby niya. Pero at least alam ko na na iyon lang ’yon. Hindi na ako mag-o-overthink kasi tinapos niya na lahat bago pa man mas lumala iyong nasa isip ko.

Good riddance, I guess.

Bilang responsableng estudyante, I did a quick math and decided na wala naman akong urgent due sa Monday. Ibig sabihin, pwede akong magwalwal ngayong Friday at matulog buong Saturday. Tama. Mag-e-enjoy muna ako ngayong gabi.

“Sorry, I didn’t get your name earlier,” sabi ko doon sa lalaki na kumausap sa akin kanina. The fuck… ba’t bigla akong naging English speaking?!

“Ross,” he replied.

“Ross,” I said. “Nice to meet you, Ross.”

His forehead was creased. “You drunk?”

“Nope,” I replied as I let out a small giggle. Fuck. Lasing na nga ata ako. “Beer pong,” sabi ko.

“You wanna play beer pong?” he asked. I nodded. “I don’t think anyone’s playing—” He paused when he saw me frowning. Tumawa siya. “Fine, fine. We’ll play.”

I was never the best at this game—mas lalo pa siguro ngayon na malapit na umikot ang paningin ko. Ayoko pa umuwi but at the same time, ayoko na muna uminom dahil mukhang malapit na ako sa alcohol poisoning stage.

Floss—what a fucking weird name—arranged the table. I was just standing there like an idiot habang inaayos niya iyong mga baso.

“Game?” he asked.

“Okay, Floss,” I said.

His forehead creased. “Did you just call me Floss?”

I nodded. “Yes. What a weird name. Do your parents hate you?”

He burst out laughing. I stood there, confused. I asked him a genuine question! Bakit mo papangalanan na Floss ang anak mo? Unless— “Dentist ba ang mga magulang mo?” I asked him. That would explain the weird-ass name… but then again, masyado ba silang passionate sa career nila na papangalanan nila na Floss ang anak nila?

Hindi kami makapagsimula sa paglalaro dahil tawa na siya nang tawa. I knew I was drunk… pero malinaw naman ang mga mata ko. I could see the tears in his eyes dahil sa pagtawa niya sa akin. I was asking him a good question, ah! Baka naman kasi may reason bakit siya binigyan ng ganong pangalan. I mean, still weird as fuck, but at least may reason.

I stood there, waiting for him to be done with his laughing fit.

“Fuck, you’re funny,” Floss said.

I shrugged. “Thanks. Can we play now?”

“Sure, sure,” he said, slowly shaking his head while still wearing that smile on his face.

We played—or more like I lost, honestly. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nag-aya ng laro na alam ko naman na matatalo ako. But hey, practice makes perfect kaya!

“It’s literally right in front of you,” he said nung ang lapit na sa akin ay hindi ko pa rin ma-shoot.

“I’m drunk, okay!”

“Still—the cup’s right in front of you.”

“Sssh—nagco-concentrate ako.”

Tumawa lang siya at saka tinaas iyong dalawang kamay niya as if he’s accepting defeat. “Okay, okay.”

Huminga ako nang malalim. Siguro naman masu-shoot ko na ’to ngayon dahil nasa harapan ko na talaga iyong cup… unless may problema ako sa mata?

“Okay, this is it—”

But I got distracted by the man who was standing across the room, looking at us with that… dare I say displeased look on his face?

Tsk.

Lasing na nga talaga ako.

---

It was around 2AM when I decided it was time to go home. I could’ve gone home earlier, but I have watched enough true crime horror story to know better than to ride in basically a stranger’s car while completely intoxicated. Nagpababa muna ako ng lasing bago ako nagdecide na magbook ng sasakyan. Hayop talaga ’tong Maynila. Alas dos na ng madaling araw pero ang hirap pa rin maka-book ng sasakyan. Kung hindi lang ’to malayo, lalakarin ko na pauwi.

“Going home?”

I didn’t even need to look para malaman kung sino ang nagsalita.

“Trying,” I replied as I showed him my phone na hanggang ngayon ay ‘looking for driver’ pa rin ang naka-lagay.

“I’ll drive you home,” sabi niya.

“No, it’s fine,” sabi ko. Ongoing pa iyong party. Ang lala ng mga tao na ’to. Hanggang sumikat ata ang araw e mag-iinom sila. Weird naman kung aalis iyong host.

Hindi nagsalita si Joaquin. Tumingin ako sa kanya for some unknown reason.

“Ano?” I asked when I noticed that… expression on his face.

“We’re basically neighbors. Why won’t you ride with me?” he asked like he was offended?

“Kasi… host ka sa party na ’to?” I asked, confuse as well.

“I don’t need to be here. I’m also going home,” sabi niya.

I gave a small nod. “Ah. Okay. Malay ko ba?”

For some reason, hindi na ako nakipagtalo pa kasi ang hirap makipagtalo kapag lasing. Kahit nga hindi ako lasing ay hindi ako manalo-nalo sa tao na ’to… kapag lasing pa kaya?

Tahimik lang ako habang naka-sunod sa kanya. Tahimik din akong pumasok sa sasakyan niya. Tahimik na sinuot iyong seatbelt. Tahimik na sinandal iyong ulo sa may gilid at pinikit ang mga mata. At least naka-tipid ako sa pamasahe.

Akala ko makakarating kami sa condo ko na walang nagsasalita.

“You wanna grab food first?” he asked.

“Nope,” sagot ko na naka-pikit pa rin.

“You sure?”

“Yup. If gusto mo kumain, baba mo na lang ako sa harap ng condo or dumiretso ka na sagusto mong kainan. Magga-grab ako mula doon,” sabi ko na naka-pikit pa rin.

After a while, huminto iyong sasakyan. Akala ko talaga ay building ng condo ko ang makikita ko pero nasaan ako?

“Ano ipi-pin ko?” I asked him instead. Whatever. Wala talaga ako sa mood makipagdiskusyon.

“You’re friends with Ross?” he asked.

“Sino ’yon?” tanong ko. Si Ross from FRIENDS lang ang kilala ko.

“I thought we’re friends?” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin.

God, I was too drunk for this.

“Character siya sa Friends,” sagot ko.

“What?” he asked, as confused as I was.

I shook my head as if doing so would lessen the drunken feeling. “Ano ba’ng pinag-uusapan natin?” I asked him just to make things clear.

“I asked you about Ross.”

“And sinabi ko na wala akong kilalang Ross.”

“Really?” he asked with that… tone. Whatever it was. “You were just playing beer pong with him.”

My eyes widened upon realization. “Oh!” malakas na sabi ko. “That makes so much sense! Kanina ko pa siya tinatawag na Floss. Kaya pala tawang-tawa siya sa akin. Ni hindi man lang ako tinama after ko siya sabihan na iba rin trip ng magulang niya sa buhay,” sunud-sunod na sabi ko kasi nagmake sense na finally. Bakit nga ba kasi papangalanan siya ng Floss? It’s like his parents were setting him up to be bullied in school.

But the smile on my face was quickly erased nang mapansin ko na seryoso iyong itsura nitong tao sa harap ko.

“Ano?” I asked, a bit annoyed. Bakit ba kasi nandito ako? Kung nag-grab ako, malamang masaya na akong natutulog sa kama ko ngayon.

“You like him?” he asked.

“Baliw ka ba? Literal na kanina ko lang siya nakilala.”

“You two seemed to hit it off.”

“So?”

“So… do you like him?”

Hindi agad ako sumagot.

Tumingin ako sa kanya.

See? Sa mga ganito niya kaya nalilito ako. Hayop talaga na tao ’to. Lakas ng amats.

“No,” sagot ko. “But kung oo man, pakielam mo ba?” diretsong sabi ko sa kanya kasi ano ba’ng pakielam niya kung trip ko man si Ross or whatever? Kakasabi niya lang sa akin kanina na hindi niya ako gusto tapos dami na namang paandar ng tao na ’to. Kaumay.

“If he asks you out, you’re gonna say yes?” he asked.

“What’s with the 20 questions?” I asked back, not even trying to hide the annoyance kasi mukhang tanga talaga.

“Just curious.”

“Whatever,” I said. “But yeah. Sure. Why not? Single naman ako.”

Lasing na ata talaga ako dahil medyo vague na agad sa ala-ala ko iyong itsura ni Ross… all I could remember ay may tattoo siya. He might as well be a blob with a tattoo, but sure, pag-usapan namin iyong romantic possibility naming dalawa ni Ross.

“I thought you’re already busy with school and org?”

I shrugged. “Hypothetically, busy din naman siya. Bakit hindi na lang kami maging busy together?”

My eyes must be playing tricks on me kasi humigpit ata iyong pagkaka-hawak ni Joaquin sa manibela.

“That’s it? You just want company when you’re busy?”

“Gusto ko rin lumandi, makipagmakeout. Okay na? Masaya ka na? Satisfied ka na sa sagot ko?” medyo napipikon na tanong ko sa kanya kasi jusko naman! Alas tres na ng madaling araw! Kahit ata naglakad na lang ako e mas mauuna pa akong makauwi sa condo sana kanina.

“So… like friends with benefits?” he asked.

I looked at him, more confused than ever. “What?”

“You want to have friends with benefits?” he asked once again.

“You know what? Sure. Whatever.”

Wrong move talaga kausapin ’tong tao na ’to kapag lasing ako. Mas maigsi pasensya ko. Kung sabihin siguro niya na ibebenta niya ako sa sindikato, tatango na lang ako para matapos na ang usapan.

“I can do that,” he said.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

“Friends with benefits,” he replied, looking me straight in the eyes. “I can do that with you instead.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 31 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 18

I blinked.

“Ha?”

I had to ask.

Tama ba ’yung narinig ko o… lasing ulit ako?

Joaquin didn’t even move an inch. Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin na para bang nasabi niya na iyong tanong niya at tahimik siya na naghihintay.

“Lasing ka ba?” Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Nag-drunk driving ka?! Hayop ka! Kung gusto mo magpakamatay, bakit idadamay mo ako?!”

Mabilis na kumunot ang noo niya. “The hell… why will I even do that?”

“Because—” I paused.

“Because?” he asked, looking at me expectantly.

“You don’t make any sense.”

“How come?”

I pursed my lips together and drew a deep breath.

“Because you’re straight.”

Hindi agad siya naka-sagot.

“See? Gago ka ba? Friends with benefits? Tayong dalawa?”

Tahimik akong naghintay na magkaroon siya ng realization na mukhang gago iyong suggestion niya.

“You’re right.”

“See—”

“Maybe I’m bi. Who knows?”

Agad na napaawang iyong labi ko. Gusto kong magmura pero parang non-sense lang saka parang walang salita na makakapag-express ng frustration na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

“Alam mo—” sabi ko tapos ay napa-hinto na naman ako. “Kung totoo man ’yan, good for you. Congrats sa self-discovery.”

“Thanks,” he replied na akala mo hindi niya naramdaman iyong sarcasm ko. “So, you’re in?”

“What? No!”

“Why not?”

“Kasi mukhang tanga.”

“Why? You said you just wanna flirt and have a good time. Why not do it with me?”

Oh, dear god.

Ano ba ’tong usapan na nangyayari?

“Kasi nga straight ka!”

“We just agreed that I am bi.”

“Sinabi ko lang ’yon kasi makulit ka!”

“Oh, so now you’re dictating my sexuality? Wow.”

My lips parted at the audacity. “Ewan ko sa ’yo.”

“Seriously, give me a reason why this is such a bad idea?”

“Kasi bad idea talaga.”

“How come?”

Taenang how come ’yan. Malapit na ako magkaroon ng trauma sa dalawang salita na ’yan dahil sa kanya.

“I’m attracted to you. You are attracted to me, right?”

“That’s besides the point.”

“How—”

“I swear to god,” I warned him. “Isang how come mo pa, sasakalin na kita.”

A grin appeared on his face. “Kinky.”

I groaned as I banged the back of my head against the headrest. “Do you even understand what you’re asking?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m not a child.”

“Not that. Alam ko na malandi ka.”

He chuckled. “Okay?”

“You do understand na lalaki ako, right?”

“Yeah. I never once thought of you as a girl—I mean, the adam’s apple is a dead giveaway.”

I made a face. “Pilosopo,” sabi ko sa kanya. He just grinned. “I mean, down there,” I continued. The fuck? Bakit ’di ko ma-diretso? Down there ampota. “You know there’s a dick down there, right?” diretso ko na na sabi sa kanya dahil naalala ko nung una niya akong hinalikan, he was kind of… not into the idea of me pressing myself against him. “You couldn’t even touch me down there before, so what makes you think na magandang idea ang pagiging friends with benefits?”

There was no hint of enlightenment on his face.

He was just looking at me directly.

“I know.”

“So, you agree?”

“No,” he replied. “I know as in I have thought about that before I even proposed being friends with benefits,” he continued. “I know I can touch you.”

I drew a deep breath. Never… as in never in my fucking life did I think na iyong ex-crush ko ang mag-o-offer sa akin ng ganitong set-up tapos ako pa ang hahanap ng paraan para lang hindi matuloy ’to. Ano ba ang nangyayari sa buhay ko!

“Fine,” I said. “Let’s say that you can touch me,” I continued. I wanted to make a face again kasi taena, ano ba ’tong usapan namin? “Still, why will I agree? If you’re right that Ross is into me—or for the sake of argument, kahit sinong lalaki na hindi straight—why will I choose you? You who is just saying that you can touch me? Like it’s some task that needs to be checked?”

May sense naman iyong sinasabi ko, ’di ba?

O lasing pa rin ako?

O may whiplash na ako sa mga naririnig ko na kagaguhan mula sa kanya?

“See? Dito pa lang, hindi ka na sigurado. What more pa sa iba?”

“What do you mean?” he asked. “You mean anal?”

Buti na lang wala akong iniinom dahil kung hindi, sigurado ako na nabilaukan na ako sa pagka-straight forward ng taong ’to!

“If that’s your concern, we’ll be fine. You’re the first guy I have considered sleeping with, but I’d done anal before. I know how it’s done—if that’s your concern.”

Oh, my god.

Napa-hawak ako sa ulo ko dahil parang sasabog na ’yon. Parang na-advance bigla iyong hangover ko dahil sa mga kagaguhan na lumalabas sa bibig niya.

“I know how to prep—” Mabilis na tinakpan ko iyong bibig niya dahil ako na iyong stressed na stressed sa kanya. Tumingin lang siya sa akin na naka-kunot ang noo habang nasa may bibig niya pa rin iyong dalawang kamay ko—oo, dalawang kamay talaga para hindi na makapagsalita ’tong gago na ’to!

“Sumasakit ulo ko sa ’yo!”

He tried to speak, but only muffled sounds came out. Kumunot lang ang noo ko dahil ’di ko maintindihan ang sinasabi niya. He pried my hands from his mouth. Akala ko e bibitiwan niya rin iyong kamay ko, pero nanatili lang na hawak niya ’yon.

Ano ba’ng trip nito?!

At bakit ako ang napiling pagtripan?!

May sinasabi si Joaquin, pero for some reason, naririnig ko lang iyong mga salita pero wala akong naiintindihan. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kamay niya na naka-hawak sa kamay ko.

That looked—

“If you’re this pleased with me just holding your hand,” he said as my eyes widened when he began to intertwine our fingers. “Imagine how you’d feel if we do other things—anal and hand job, I can promise at the very least.”

Tangina.

Tangina niya talaga.

Paano niya nagagawa na magsabi ng nakaka-kilig tapos hahaluan niya ng gusto ko na lang siyang sakalin sa sobrang pagka-bwisit sa kanya?!

“Blow job, if I am being honest, I am considering it and I will work hard towards it—pun very much intended.”

Oh, my god.

Siya ata ang papatay sa akin.

Joaquin didn’t let my hands go. In fact, his thumb was tracing circles on my skin. This, oddly, felt very comforting… which was the opposite of how he’s supposed to make me feel.

“Joaquin,” I called.

“Hmm?” he replied. Fuck. Why did he have to reply so softly?!

“Seryosong tanong—bakit?”

He looked at me—he still was looking at me.

“I told you—I am attracted to you.”

“Iyon lang?”

“Are you asking if I have feelings for you?”

Hindi ako sumagot.

But my silence felt like an answer already.

“I told you—”

“Fine,” I said, cutting him off dahil narinig ko naman na kanina. I guess ayoko lang marinig ulit.

“My turn,” he said. Still, he was tracing circles on my skin—that’s all that he’s doing but it somehow felt like he was putting me under his spell. “Are you attracted to me?” he asked.

I bit my tongue.

He stared harder.

“Duh.”

“Good,” he said. “Do you have feelings for me?”

I lied.

Of course I lied.

Mas gugustuhin ko pang tumalon sa umaandar na sasakyan kaysa sabihin ko sa kanya na litung-lito na iyong buong pagkatao ko sa mga pinagsasabi at ginagawa niya—na nilalandi niya ako habang basically binabasted dahil sa paulit-ulit niyang pagsasabi na wala siyang feelings sa akin.

“Then it’s settled, don’t you agree?” he asked like he was giving me no choice because he was offering the… weirdly enough, most logical set-up para sa dalawang tao na sexually attracted sa bawat isa pero wala ring feelings para sa bawat isa.

Only that it’s a lie.

Kasi may feelings ako kahit kakarampot!

“Pag-iisipan ko,” sabi ko sa kanya para lang sana matapos na iyong usapan na ’to kasi taena naman, tao lang ako! Kapag ganyan na naka-intertwine iyong mga daliri namin ng lalaki na ganito ang itsura, malamang mapapa-oo ako! Hindi naman ako robot na walang feelings at napaka-logical lang!

“Fine. You can sleep on it.”

“I need one month.”

“One month?”

“Yes. Maraming consideration.”

“Like what?”

“Basta.”

“Like what?”

Taena. Sarap sakalin.

“As you have said, may mga option ako. Kung maghahanap man ako ng friends with benefits, may the best man win,” diretsong sabi ko sa kanya. Aba, nagsinungaling na lang din ako na wala akong feelings para sa kanya, e ’di ituloy ko na rin.

Pero maling-mali yata na napa-tingin ako sa mukha niya. He looked like dark clouds were looming over his head. Seryoso ba siya na wala siyang feelings sa akin?! As if naman ako lang option niya na maging fwb! Ano ba’ng obsession ng tao na ’to sa ’kin?!

“Fine, one week,” I said, giving in kasi ang sama talaga ng tingin niya sa akin. “Sasabihin ko next Friday. Final offer na ’yan.”

He remained silent for a while.

“Fine,” he said na para bang masama pa ang loob niya. Kapal din talaga ng mukha nitong isang ’to, e. Akala mo ako pa ginagawan niya ng pabor. “Friday, 12AM—tell me your answer, then.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 32 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 19

Bakit naman kasi napaka-exact nung sinabi niya na oras? Para tuloy akong may naririnig na kamay ng orasan sa utak ko. Ang hirap magconcentrate sa mga assignment ko dahil bigla-bigla ko na lang maiisip iyong deadline na sinabi sa akin Joaquin. Tuwing titingin ako sa orasan para i-check iyong oras, maalala ko siya. Seriously, at this point, sabotage na ’to. Para bang ini-a-associate niya ang sarili niya sa lahat ng bagay sa paligid ko—una iyong alak, iyong vape ko, ngayon naman orasan. Ano na kaya ang susunod na sisirain niya?

I groaned nang bigla kaming magkasalubong sa cafeteria. He just gave a casual nod—na kung makikita ng ibang tao ay parang wala lang naman… kaso tinuro niya iyong relo niya… as if time’s ticking at kailangan ko na siyang bigyan ng sagot.

“Hmm…” sabi ni James dahil katabi ko siya nang nangyari iyong interaction na ’yon. Ngayon na nasabi ko na sa kanya iyong ganap dati—minus na nagkiss na kami at iyong nakaka-gagong proposition ni Joaquin—of course mas mapaghinala na siya.

“Ano na naman?” I just replied like it was nothing.

“Wala,” he said. “Ito naman, masyadong mainitin ang ulo.”

“May hangover ako.”

“Hanggang ngayon?” he asked, surprised dahil Tuesday na pero nirereklamo ko pa rin iyong hangover ko mula nung Friday. Mukhang hanggang Friday pa ito.

Tumango ako. “Favor naman,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Pabili ng water.”

“Bakit ako?” mabilis na angal niya.

“Bilis na. Magkaka-sakit na talaga ako.”

“Tsk. Fine,” sabi ni James na labag sa loob niya.

As soon as he was out of earshot, humarap ako kay Andrew na walang personal na pakielam sa personal na buhay ko. Honestly… blessing in disguise. I feel safe. Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin ’to kay James, pero kasi para na akong mabubuang kung wala akong pagsasabihan.

“New scenario pero same characters,” I told him.

“A and B?” he asked.

“Yup.”

“Okay,” he said nonchalantly. Sana all nonchalant.

“So, A proposed na maging friends with benefits sila ni B. Si B, ayaw pumayag kasi kahit papaano, alam niya na may feelings siya kay A. Kahit saang angle, disaster waiting to happen, ’di ba?”

“Ano’ng disaster?” he asked.

“Na magka-feelings talaga si B kay A!”

“Hindi ba may feelings na siya?”

“Crush lang ganon… pero syempre kapag tumagal, baka in love na talaga. So, ang logical na dapat gawin ay ’wag pumayag, tama?”

Hindi agad nagsalita si Andrew. Gusto ko siyang i-pressure kasi baka bumalik na si James kaso alam ko iyong pakiramdam ng pine-pressure sa sagot. Hindi nakaka-tuwa!

“Advantage,” panimula niya. “They’ll have clear boundaries emotionally and physically. They can be satisfied while keeping things casual. Since A is the crush of B, B will have the opportunity to spend time with his crush. Also, less pressure as compared to a formal relationship.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

Hanep na ’yan! Masyadong logical! Sana pala nagsearch na lang akos a chatgpt!

“For the disadvantage,” dugtong niya na para ba siyang robot na na-analyze na talaga iyong hypothetical situation kuno na sinabi ko sa kanya. “Feelings are likely to intensify rather than fade. Emotional pain if they don’t reciprocate romantic feelings. Jealousy if they pursue others. Potential loss of both friendship and benefits if things end badly. Difficulty transitioning back to friendship. Could miss opportunities with others who want commitment.”

See?! Mas maraming cons, galing na mismo kay walking chatgpt!

I reached for Andrews’ hands and held them tightly.

“Thank you,” I said.

“Ano’ng meron?” tanong ni James pagkalapag niya nung bottled water sa harapan ko.

“Wala naman,” sabi ko na maang-maangan. “Thankful lang ako sa friendship namin ni Andrew.”

“E ba’t ’di siya ang pinabili mo ng tubig?”

“Tss. Seloso naman nito. Kaya iniiwan ka ng situationships mo, e. Wala pang label pero nagseselos na.”

Napaawang iyong labi niya sa sinabi ko. “Matuluyan na sana ’yang lagnat mo,” sabi niya tapos tinawanan ko lang siya.

---

After ng pag-uusap namin ni Andrew, nabawasan na iyong alalahanin ko kahit papaano. At least ngayon, kahit dumating pa ’yang lecheng Friday na ’yan, alam ko na ang sasabihin ko. Pero… through call ba? Kasi 12AM? O pupuntahan niya ako?

Tignan mo! Problema ko pa ngayon iyong logistics!

Thursday ng hapon, hindi na ako mapakali. Gumagawa ako ng report sa isang subject ko pero iniisip ko pa kung saan ko sasabihin kay Joaquin na pangit at lugi ako sa gusto niyang mangyari. I mean, in the long run, lugi ako!

‘Pwede ba through text na lang sabihin ko sagot ko?’

Ang bilis niya na-seen.

‘Wow. Bilis ma-seen. Inaabangan mo text ko?’

Na-seen ulit agad.

‘No. I’ll go to your condo.’

Tsk! Bakit pa?! Pwede naman sa text na lang!

‘Honestly, no. I was about to google something when your notif came up. I accidentally clicked on it. But think whatever you want if it makes you happy.’

Taena talaga ng tao na ’to. May mga tao talaga na malakas lang talaga mambwisit, noh? Isa siya don—actually, leader siya ng mga taong magaling mambwisit.

‘Fine whatever. 12AM. Wag ka ma-late. Bat kasi Friday? Dapat Saturday 12AM. Di mo man lang inisip na may pasok pa. Walang consideration sa studies ko.’

‘Right.’

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

Did he just admit na tama ako?!

‘Saturday 12AM then.’

‘Thanks. At least pwede ako matulog agad after.’

‘Lol who says anything about sleeping.’

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

Did he just—

Wait.

Tama ba iyong nasa isip ko?!

‘Feeling mo naman!’

‘I’m busy lol I’ll see you this Saturday. Don’t be tired.’

What the fucking hell?!

Ilang minuto na ang lumipas ay binabasa ko pa rin iyong message thread namin para lang masigurado na tama ba iyong naisip ko na nangyari. Was he so confident na papayag ako sa gusto niyang mangyari? Lugi kaya ako! I mean, sure, crush ko siya, but then again, kawawa ako in the long run. Magkaka-feelings ako sigurado—

Teka, makapag-google nga.

‘How to avoid getting attached friends with benefits’

Ang daming results na lumabas. As it turned out, napaka-common pala na problema nito. Sa quora at reddit pa lang, ang dami ko na agad na nabasa.

Instead na gumawa ng report, naubos iyong araw ko sa pagbabasa ng mga posts. Nakaka-enjoy din naman kasing basahin iyong experience ng bawat isa. Napapa-tango na lang din ako na akala mo e na-experience ko na… I mean, if you think about it, baka ma-experience ko din.

Tsk.

Anong baka?

Hindi ako papayag sa set-up na gusto niya.

But then again, based on track records, may budol talaga ’yang si Joaquin… Mamaya e ma-budol ako na kahit plano ko na talaga na tumanggi ay bigla kong makita ang sarili ko na pumapayag sa gusto niyang mangyari. Mahirap na. Dapat prepared lagi.

I listed down sa notes app iyong mga helpful na tips na nabasa ko.

Setting clear expectations upfront

Limiting non-sexual hangouts

Not sharing deep emotional conversations

Maintaining boundaries with texting/communication

Continuing to date other people

Ending things if feelings become too strong

Sana hindi ko na kailanganin ’tong mga limitations kuno pero better safe than sorry lalo na kapag si Joaquin ang kausap ko.

---

The day I dreaded had finally come.

11:45PM pa lang ay naka-receive na agad ako ng text mula sa kanya na sinasabi niya na nasa labas na siya ng condo ko.

Fuck.

Ano ba kasing sinasabi niya na hindi kami matutulog! Tangina niya talaga! Kahit labag sa loob ko, nagfasting ako buong araw. Kapag ako nagcollapse sa gutom!

Naka-suot lang ako ng gray joggers at saka black na tshirt. Masama ang loob ko na naglakad ako palabas ng condo. Agad na nakita ko iyong sasakyan niya. Ano? D’yan kami hindi matutulog? Ang uncomfortable kaya. Asa pa siya na papapasukin ko siya sa condo ko. Sobra na na na-associate ko siya sa alak, vape, at orasan. Taena naman kung pati condo ko ay hindi na safe space.

“Bibili—” Napa-hinto ako nang mapansin ko na naka-tuxedo si gago. “Sobra naman ata ’to. Hindi naman ’to formal event na kailangan naka-tuxedo.”

He looked at me like I had lost my damn mind. Aba, oo naman! Bakit siya naka-ganyan?! Sasabihin ko lang naman na hindi ako payag—

“I came from an event,” he said, looking at me like I was the insane one. “I didn’t have time to change but I figured it’s okay since we’ll be naked—”

I groaned. “Bakit ba ang confident mo na papayag ako?”

“Because it only makes sense.”

“In your head.”

“Not at all. We’re attracted to each other and we don’t have feelings for each other. It just makes sense.”

Ganoon ba ako kagaling umarte na convinced siya na wala akong gusto sa kanya? O dine-delude niya lang ang sarili niya? Kasi pakiramdam ko napaka-obvious ko—na tipong bulag lang ang hindi makaka-kita.

Tumingin ako sa oras.

“It’s time,” sabi niya nang sakto na magmidnight na. Na para bang inaabangan niya iyon.

“I know in your head it makes sense, but unfortunately, in my head, it doesn’t.”

Fuck.

Nasabi ko.

Congrats sa akin!

“Why?” he asked.

“Anong why ?”

“Why doesn’t it make sense?”

“Based sa research ko—”

“You researched?”

“Oo kasi kanino ko naman sasabihin?”

“You didn’t tell your friends?”

“No way,” sabi ko. “E ’di parang na-out na rin kita kung kinwento ko sa kanila.”

Ayan na naman iyong expression sa pagmumukha niya na hindi ko ma-explain.

“Anyways, based sa research ko, pangit talaga ang friends with benefits. I mean, like 99% of the time, kahit pa sabihin na wala tayong feelings sa isa’t-isa, malaki ang chance na ma-develop.”

“Okay,” he said.

“So, agree ka? Na ’di advisable?”

“No,” sabi niya. “Tell me the cons and we’ll debate about it.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Seryoso ka ba?”

“Well, I wouldn’t drive all the way here in my tux if I weren’t serious.”

Taena.

“Fine.”

“Okay,” he said as he loosened up his bow tie. I hated how hot he looked as he did that. Damn him. “About these so-called feelings that might or might not develop in the future,” he said that he even used air quotes na para bang napaka-impossible na mangyari ’yon. Kung alam niya lang! “The moment that happens, you tell me and we’ll stop.”

“Wow. Ako talaga?”

“Yeah.”

“Leche ka talaga.”

He just grinned at me. “Seriously. The moment you feel something or whatever, just tell me. We’ll stop this and we can just revert back to being friends and orgmates.”

“Ganon lang ka-simple sa ’yo ’yon?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Honestly, you’re the one who’s making this all complicated.”

“Paanong hindi? Just a few months ago, you couldn’t even stand the sight of me.”

“That was before I knew you.”

My lips parted. “What?”

“You’re not that unbearable.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

There was that small smile on his face again.

Tsk.

Kapag ganyan na naka-ngiti siya, akala mo ang inosente, e. Napaka-misleading.

“What else in your cons list?”

“What if may magustuhan akong iba?” I asked. Napa-kunot ang noo ko. Did his jaw slightly clenched? “And what if may magustuhan kang iba?” dugtong ko. “Mukhang gago lang, ’di ba? Kung anu-ano ginagawa natin tapos nagkaka-feelings na pala ako sa ibang tao? Contrary to your belief, stick to one ako. Loyal akong tao. See my predicament?”

At tuluyan na nang natanggal iyong bow tie niya.

“I’m not interested in fucking another guy, if that’s your concern.”

“Taena ka. Bakit pala-desisyon ka na bottom ako sa ating dalawa?” I asked. He just stared at me like I was ridiculous for even asking. Umayos ako ng upo. “Gago.”

“I thought we’re in agreement, but whatever,” sabi niya. “I won’t fuck another girl while we’re doing this. I expect the same from you—no, I demand the same from you.”

I made a face.

“Why? You’re thinking of someone you wanna sleep with?” he asked with his brow furrowed.

“Wala, ah,” mabilis na sabi ko. “Okay, fine—” Napa-hinto ako. Teka, bakit parang papunta na ako sa pagpayag?! Taena talaga! Sinasabi ko na nga ba na mabubudol ako, e!

“Great. We’re finally in agreement,” he said as placed his hands back on the steering wheel. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang ma-realize ko na nagda-drive na siya.

“Saan tayo pupunta?!”

“In my condo,” he said while his eyes were on the road. “We can do it in the car some other time. I’d like to do it on my bed tonight.”

What… the fucking hell did I get myself into?

**

This story is already at Chapter 33 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 20

So… fucking confused.

Sa sobrang pagka-bigla at dahil gulung-gulo ako sa nangyayari, para bang tinakasan na ako ng buong vocabulary ko hanggang sa makarating kami sa basement parking ng condo ni Joaquin—not that mahabang byahe iyon dahil nasa kabilang kanto lang nag condo niya.

And then the car finally stopped.

Fuck.

Tangina.

Ano nangyari sa lahat ng pagpa-practice ko?! Talaga bang wala akong laban sa kanya pagdating sa debate? Kasi kahit alam ko na dapat tumanggi ako, nadaan niya ako sa logical reasoning?!

“We’re here,” he said nang ilang segundo na ang naka-lipas ay hindi pa ako gumagalaw o nagsasalita.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Ni hindi ko pa inuunbuckle iyong seatbelt ko… pero pwede pa rin siguro siyang pakiusapan? Na ’wag na? Pero… medyo curious din ako? Pero maling-mali ’to! What if masarap? Tao lang naman ako. Sigurado na uulit ako. Kaya dapat talaga ay prevention rather than cure!

“You want me to unbuckle that for you?” he asked, pertaining to the seatbelt.

Napa-hawak ako nang mahigpit don at saka umiling. “Sure ka na ba dito?” I asked.

“What do you think?” medyo pilosopo na sagot niya.

“Kapag ginawa natin ’to, wala ng balikan.”

“Obviously,” pilosopo pa rin na sagot niya.

“Sigurado—”

It was like he already lost patient sa lahat ng delaying tactics ko dahil lumapit siya at saka narinig ko iyong tunog ng click mula sa seatbelt.

“I really don’t have much patience tonight,” he said in a low tone while he was so close na tipong amoy na amoy ko iyong pabango niya.

“O-okay,” medyo nanginginig ang boses na sabi ko. Damn. Alam ko nakaka-takot siya minsan pero taena?! Bottom na nga ako, submissive pa?! Ano na lang natira sa akin?!

“Good,” he said as he gently tapped the top of my head like I was some damn puppy. Taena talaga nito.

Huminga ako nang malalim at saka lumabas ng sasakyan niya. Nauna akong maglakad sa kanya dahil kailangan ko ng konting space para isipin ang mga mangyayari. I never thought about this! Kasi buo ang loob ko na walang mangyayari na ganito kasi nga tatanggi naman ako talaga dapat. Pero bakit ba nagulat pa ako? Hindi pa ba sapat na preview iyong nangyari sa Batangas? Na uuwi na dapat ako sa Manila but because of his reasoning, napa-extend pa ako ng ilang araw?

Siguro dapat tanggapin ko na lang talaga na talo ako lagi pagdating sa kanya?

O dapat magpractice pa ako?

“Ano na naman?” I asked nang nasa loob na ako ng elevator pero nasa labas pa rin siya. He was looking at me only, but I could definitely tell that something was going on inside that stubborn head of his.

“Have you been here before?” he asked, the accusatory tone in his voice didn’t escape my ears.

“Ha? Hindi ah,” mabilis na sabi.

He just cocked his head to the side like he has already decided that I was lying and that he was giving me chance to come clean or to bury an even deeper hole for myself.

“Ah. Oo. Dati ata naka-punta na ako,” sabi ko.

Kasi oo naka-punta na ako dito.

Nung first year ako.

Pero kailangan pa ba niyang malaman ’yon?!

“With whom?” he asked.

Naka-ilang pindot na ako sa hold button na pakiramdam ko ay anytime pupuntahan na kami ng security para i-check kung ano ang ganap dito sa basement parking.

“Dati pa ’yon,” sabi ko na lang. I knew I could say friend pero alam ko rin na uusisain niya ako kung sino—sa personality niya, aalamin niya rin kung saang unit at kung tiga-school ba namin. Napaka-unbearing ng personality ng tao na ’to. Bakit ba dito ako nagka-crush?! Ito ba ’yung tipo ng ‘the devil couldn’t reach me so he sent me Joaquin?!’

“Someone you hooked up with?”

“Past is past.”

“Oh. So, you did hook up with someone.”

“Oo. Okay na? Masaya ka na?”

“Why the hell would I be happy about that?”

I looked at him like he has lost his damn mind. “Ewan ko sa ’yo,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Pasalamat ka may experience na ako dati. Hindi ba mas nakaka-konsensya kung virgin ako tapos ang gusto mo e gawin akong friends with benefits? Wala ka bang konsensya? Tsk.”

The elevator door was about to close again. Pagod na akong pindutin iyong hold button kaya naman hinatak ko na siya papasok. He begrudgingly stood beside me. Kita ko na madilim pa rin iyong mukha niya habang naka-tingin ako sa may pintuan.

“Alam mo, isa dapat sa mga rules ay walang tanungan ng past. Hindi naman kita tinatanong tungkol sa lahat ng nilandi mo dati, ’di ba? So, to be fair, ’wag mo rin akong tanungin tungkol sa mga nilandi ko dati.”

“Mga?” he asked. Taena… unfair?! Bakit ang cute niya mag Tagalog? May accent? Saan ba siya lumaki? Ang alam ko lang sa childhood niya ay muntik na siya makidnap at dahil bata pa lang ay masama na ang ugali niya, balak niya pang gamitin as human shield iyong mga kaibigan niya dati.

“Duh. Sa itsura ko na ’to?” I asked. “Bakit ba ang dami mong—” Napa-hinto ako. “Ah. Concerned ka?” I asked, realizing na ito siguro ang dahilan kasi mas plausible ’to kaysa sa delusional conclusion na nagseselos siya. “Ang tagal na non. Saka paranoid din ako kagaya mo, okay?” I asked as I got my phone from my hand and then showed him the result of the test I regularly do kasi better safe than sorry.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa utak ni Joaquin dahil hindi siya nagsasalita hanggang huminto na kami sa floor niya. Madaling araw na. Tahimik na iyong buong hallway. Siguro kasi Friday—este Saturday din? Malamang lahat ng college students ay nasa bar at clubs at nagwawalwal.

“Look,” sabi ko nung tahimik pa rin siya. “Kung nagbago iyong isip mo dahil—” I couldn’t even bring myself to continue kasi… ewan.

I didn’t even want to apologize for it.

I did it for myself.

Was I a little too wild and liberated during my first year?

Sure.

But I did everything with caution.

I didn’t want to apologize for doing something that actually did save me and made me discover things about myself.

I won’t do it—not even for him.

“It’s cool,” sabi ko sa kanya. “We can just pretend that this whole… whatever didn’t happen,” I continued.

Nasobrahan ata ako sa paghiling na hindi ’to matuloy dahil universe na ang gumawa ng paraan. Mabuti na rin ’to kasi ayoko rin naman mas maging complicated pa kami ni Joaquin. Okay na iyong minsan nilalandi niya ako (I think) at nakikita ko siya sa org. Okay na ’yon. Ito kasi iyong tipo na alam mo ’yon? Masaya for a while, pero deep inside, alam mo na walang papatunguhan?

I even gave him a small waive para lang mas klaro na okay lang naman talaga. Mahina lang din ang pagkaka-sabi ko kasi ayoko na may maka-rinig sa amin just in case kasi dito siya naka-tira.

Tumalikod ako at saka pinindot ulit ’yung button ng elevator. Buti na lang at malapit lang iyong condo ko dito saka safe naman maglakad. I mean, I could say a lot of things about my parents, pero may pakielam naman sila sa safety ko kaya sa magandang condo pa rin nila ako pinatira despite everything. Sabi nga nila, you win some, you lose some.

Tahimik na naka-tayo lang ako doon habang hinihintay iyong pagdating ng elevator. Agad na napa-tingin ako kay Joaquin nang maramdaman ko iyong kamay niya sa may braso ko. He was gently dragging me with him. I wanted to ask him what the fuck was happening, but I guess I cared more about him dahil ayokong may magising kapag malakas na tinanong ko siya kung ano trip niya sa buhay.

Joaquin was quiet as he dragged me along with him. He kept on walking until we reached the corner unit on the floor. The door opened with his thumb print. Fuck. Bakit ba hindi kami mas mayaman? Ang saya tumira sa condo na ’to.

The moment na nagsara na iyong pinto, nagkaroon na ako ng freedom.

“Alam mo, para sa tao na malawak ang vocabulary, hindi mo na-u-utilize minsan!” I said as I yanked my arm away from him.

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang mabuksan niya iyong isang butones ng damit niya.

“Whoah!” I said as I raised both my hands. “I thought we’re in agreement na ’wag na ’tong gawin at kalimutan na lang ang lahat?”

“When did I agree?”

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na kailan din ako nag-agree dito, but I guess after ko makarating sa condo niya, moot point na ito.

“Kasi—” Napa-hinto ako. “Wala kang tiwala sa akin?”

“It all happened in the past, right?”

“Duh. Mukha bang may time pa ako sa dami ng school works at org works?”

“Right,” he said as he unbuttoned another button. Fuck. ’Di naman ’to first time na makita ko katawan niya. Ilang araw din kami magkasama sa Batangas. Nakita ko na siya na topless… pero iba naman kasi ’yon! We were doing wholesome activities—iyong ngayon?

“As long as we’re in agreement that no one else from now on.”

He said that as he unbuttoned the last one.

As he took a step closer.

As I forgot how to breathe.

“Do you agree?” he asked as he stopped right in front of me.

I didn’t reply… for some reason. To piss him off? Probably. Pero pwede rin na ayoko namang pumayag na lang sa lahat ng gusto—

But then this asshole’s hand reached the back of my head and yanked a portion of my hair and made me look up at him.

Tangina…

Bakit ang hot?!

“Do you agree?” he repeated.

“O-oo na,” mukhang gago na sagot ko!

“Good,” he said as he loosened his grip. “Get naked and hop in the shower with me. I’d been out the whole day. Shower first.” 

**

This story is already at Chapter 34 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 21

The only logical explanation is that I was in the middle of a mental breakdown—at least that’s what I was telling myself habang tinatanggal ko iyong mga damit ko at naglalakad para sundan si Joaquin. Habang papalapit ako ay mas naririnig ko iyong bagsak ng tubig mula sa shower. I wanted to stop in front of the door to think but then again… nasa gitna ako ng mental breakdown. Yup. Tama. Sa dami ng ginagawa ko sa school at sa org, tuluyan na akong nasiraan ng bait.

Whatever.

I opened the door to his bathroom. The glass shower door was covered in fog. I could only see the silhouette of Joaquin’s body but… fuck.

Okay.

Fine.

Bahala na nga.

As I opened the shower door, I was greeted with the view of Joaquin standing under the rain shower. I knew he heard me come in, but he didn’t even bother to look at me. Okay lang kasi mas nakaka-hiya kung makikita niya ako na naka-tingin sa katawan niya na… damn! May mga tao talaga na swerte lang sa buhay. Tsk.

“Are you really just gonna drool there?” he asked as he looked over his shoulder.

I made a face. “Ang healthy ng ego mo, noh?” I replied as I pushed him away para ako na iyong tumayo sa may ilalim ng shower.

As I felt his hands on my waist, I kept on telling myself na nasa kalagitnaan ako ng nervous breakdown at anuman ang gawin ko ngayon ay excusable dahil wala nga ako sa tamang pag-iisip.

The water fell in steady streams from Joaquin’s oversized rain shower as I tried to lose myself in the warmth. Steam had already begun to fog up the glass walls of the shower enclosure, and I was thankful for the way it obscured my body from view. Hindi naman sa nahihiya ako pero… fuck. But there was something about being naked while in Joaquin’s presence that made me feel exposed in ways that had nothing to do with being naked.

I reached for the water heater and adjusted the temperature. Kailangan ko ng mas makapal na fog.

“What? Is this the same water heater as your hook up from before?” he whispered his accusation in my ear just as he stood behind me.

“Hindi ka ba makaka-move on d’yan?”

“I heard it not even an hour ago.”

“So?”

“Same water heater,” he said as if that was the conclusion he reached on his own.

“Hindi ba pwede na iisa lang naman itsura ng water heater? Saka bakit? Nakaka-gulat ba na sanay ako gumamit ng heater?” I continuously said, which to be fair, is an achievement on its own kasi ang lecheng si Joaquin, nilagyan ng shampoo iyong mga kamay niya tapos ay shinampoo-han ako. Nadi-distract ako! Hindi na nga ako maka-laban sa reasoning on a normal basis, tapos sasabayan niya pa ako ng shampoo?

“You talk too much when you’re defensive,” he said, his fingers working through my hair with practiced ease. Hindi ko alam kung mas nakaka-inis na professional ang dating ng paghawak niya o dahil sobrang sarap ng masahe niya? Lahat ba ng talent e nakuha ng lalaking ’to? Nasaan na ang fairness and equality?

“Hindi ako defensive,” I snapped, but my voice betrayed me by coming out breathy as his thumbs pressed against my nape. “Natatawa lang ako kasi bakit invested ka sa past hook ups ko when clearly—” I lost my train of thought as his fingers slid down to my shoulders, kneading the tension there.

“When clearly what?” His voice was smug. Ramdam ko sa likod ko kung gaano siya ka-proud sa sarili niya. I kept on drawing deep breaths. Fuck. Gaano na ba katagal? Simula nung sinabi ko na magbabagong buhay ako? Akala ko aabot ako kahit isang taon man lang, pero itong intern ng kadiliman, ni hindi man lang ako pinaabot sa one year anniversary na gusto ko!

“Gago.” It came out embarrassingly weak as his hands moved lower down my back. The steam was getting thicker around us. He was making it much harder to breathe.

“What?” he asked again.

“Ewan ko sa ’yo.”

“Distracted?”

“Asa pa,” I replied but then his hands moved lower again. Taena talaga nito!

“Still not distracted?” His hands settled on my waist, thumbs drawing slow circles on my skin.

“No,” I lied, even as I found myself leaning back against him. “You’re just…” My breath caught as one of his hands started sliding lower. “…being annoying as usual.”

His laugh was warm against my ear. “Defensive and a liar. You’re hitting all the marks today, Franco.”

Taena niya talaga. I was done letting him think he had the upper hand. In one quick movement, I spun around and pushed him against the tiled wall, enjoying how his eyes widened in surprise. For once , that smug smile was gone from his face.

“What happened to all that talking?” I asked, letting myself smirk as I slowly lowered myself to my knees. “No smart comments now?” The water continued to fall around us, but the steam had made everything hazy, intimate.

His hands found my hair, and I could feel him trembling slightly. It was satisfying, watching him lose that perfect control he always tried to maintain—even if just for a fraction of a second.

“Franco—” he started, but whatever clever thing he was about to say dissolved into a gasp as I took him in. I wanted to fully concentrate on what I was doing but fuck… how could I when even just watching every expression on his face made me feel things?

“Fuck,” he managed to breathe, his voice rough and breathless. His composure was completely gone now, replaced by something raw and desperate. This was what I’d wanted—to see him lose that infuriating self-control.

For once, I had him exactly where I wanted him—completely at my mercy.

At one point, I just wanted to breathe some fucking air, pero susubukan ko pa lang ay hindi ko na magawa. He held my head firmly in place that I began to feel the tears forming in my eyes. I looked up and I saw him looking down on me. I thought he’d at least let go of my head nang makita niya iyong nagluluha kong mga mata. This asshole just swiped the tears from my eyes and then held my head in place again. He looked at me and without words, he told me to keep on going.

This fucking asshole—the day would come na siya naman ang hindi makaka-hinga dahil sa akin.

When he finally came undone, gasping my name like a prayer, I felt a surge of triumph. I’d won this round, definitely. I pulled back, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand as I looked up at him.

“See? The world is better when you’re quiet,” I said as I gently pushed him and stood under the rain shower—finally taking the shower I was told we’d do a few minutes ago.

But then I heard him laughing. I looked over my shoulder. Nakita ko na naka-sandal siya sa may glass door. He was breathing heavily. Taena niya. Ako nga hindi maka-hinga kanina.

“Ano na naman?” I asked. I didn’t even want to talk at this point dahil pakiramdam ko e na-dislocate iyong jaw ko. Isa lang talaga ang masasabi ko—life is unfair.

I thought he’d say something annoying—because that’s on brand of him… but then again I felt his hands on my body. I felt him touching me all over. I tried my best to ignore him at nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagligo ko na hindi na naka-usad-usad.

But then I felt him stiffen a bit when his hand grazed against my dick.

Napa-tigil din ako.

Sandali.

He didn’t even need to say a word. Parang narinig ko na agad iyong tumatakbo sa utak niya.

“It’s fine,” I said because I could feel the gears in his head running as if he’s trying to convince himself that it’s okay to touch me.

“Franco—”

“Seriously. It’s fine,” I said once again. Hindi siya nagsalita. I got out of the shower and then reached for the bathrobe. Nakita ko sa may salamin na naka-tingin siya sa akin. “I enjoy giving head. Don’t think too much about it,” I continued as I grabbed the towel and began to dry my hair habang naglalakad palabas ng CR.

Was I disappointed? Maybe. A bit. But that’s better kaysa naman panoorin ko siya na pilitin iyong sarili niya. Mas mukha naman kaming tanga kapag ganon.

---

Hindi ko alam kung may pinagnilayan ba si Joaquin sa CR dahil ilang minuto rin bago siya lumabas. Napagod na ako sa kaka-tayo at kaka-lakad kaya naman naupo muna ako doon sa may edge ng kama niya. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya nang finally ay napagdesisyunan niya na panahon na para lumabas sa CR. A towel was wrapped around his waist. Wow.

“I can do it,” he said.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Okay?”

He walked quickly as if he was trying his hardest to prove himself. I was about to laugh because he looked so ridiculous pero bago pa man ako maka-tawa ay naramdaman ko na iyong paghawak niya sa mukha ko.

Oh .

I was more than okay with this.

Damn.

I forgot how good he can kiss.

Joaquin was cupping my face as he was kissing me like he was trying to rob me of air. He placed his thumb right under my lower lip and tugged it down just as I felt his tongue touching mine. Fuck. Ang galing talaga nito.

I wanted to focus on just him kissing me but I kept on getting distracted as I felt his hands wandering all over my body. When I felt his hand wandering down, agad na hinawakan ko ’yon. I honestly didn’t want him to touch me kung napipilitan lang siya. I was good with kissing— more than good.

“No,” I told him because he kept on trying.

“I want to.”

“Next time.”

“No.”

God, he’s infuriating! Kahit sa gitna ng makeout session ay gusto pa ring makipagdebate!

I was probably so pissed at him dahil nagawa ko na mapagbaliktad iyong position namin. He was laying on the bed while my knees were on both sides of his waist. He propped his body using his elbows as he looked at me… like he was a man starving.

Ang nasa isip ko lang ay taena, ang tibay ng twalya niya at naka-tali pa rin sa bewang niya hanggang ngayon.

“Let’s just make out tonight,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Napagod na ba siyang makipagtalo? Akalain mo? Dadating din pala ang araw na ’to?!

“But—” he said.

I pushed him back to bed again nang subukan niyang tumayo. His eyes widened a bit like he was surprised. Why? Akala niya siya lang pwede?! Pakiramdam ko may pasa na ’yung lalamunan ko sa ginawa niya kanina!

“Di naman tayo required magsex ngayong gabi. Nasa calendar mo ba? Nasa reminder’s app? Kailangan ba ma-check sa to do list mo?”

“But—”

I leaned in and gave him a slow, sloppy kiss.

God, I love this kind of kiss.

I broke then kiss and looked him straight in his eyes.

“Next time,” I told him. “For tonight, just kiss me senseless.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 35 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 22

Alas cuatro na ng madaling araw kami natapos ni Joaquin sa kung anuman ang tawag sa pinaggagawa namin. Mabuti na lang at napagod ata siya sa kung anuman ang ginawa niya before kami nagkita kasi tulog na tulog siya. Naka-alis ako sa condo niya ng hindi siya nagigising. Kahit antok na antok na ako, naligo ulit ako pagdating ko sa condo ko kasi pakiramdam ko ang lagkit-lagkit ko sa lahat ng pinaggagawa naming dalawa.

“Tangina…” hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko nang makita ko iyong katawan ko sa salamin. I was covered in hickeys! May lahi ba siyang lamok?! Walang konsiderasyon! Ako nga ingat na ingat na ’wag gawin ’to sa kanya tapos ano tingin niya sa katawan ko? Blank canvass?! Hayop na ’yan!

Gusto kong tadtarin ng message si Joaquin tungkol dito pero mas nanaig iyong pagod ko kaya nakatulog din agad ako pagkatapos kong maligo. Nang magising ako ay maggagabi na. Shet. At least naka-tipid ako? Hindi ko na kailangang maglunch.

Wala na pala akong pagkain dito sa condo. Pinilit ko iyong sarili ko na pumunta sa grocery. Ayoko na bumili sa convenience store. Lagi na nga akong puyat tapos lagi pang processed food kinakain ko. Sa ospital talaga kababagsakan ko nito.

Nung nasa grocery na ako at nakuha ko na iyong ilan sa mga necessities ko, nilabas ko iyong cellphone ko para i-add lahat nung mga nasa cart ko na. Kailangan kong malaman iyong total para makita ko kung may budget pa ba ako para sa desserts ko.

I took a photo of my cart tapos pinost iyon sa Instagram stories. Wala pang limang minuto nang magtext si James. Para sa taong maituturing na rich kid, may pagka-patay gutom din talaga siya.

‘Don ka kumain sa bahay niyo.’

‘Thanks. Be there in 20 mins.’

Sasabihan ko pa sana si James na isend niya sa akin iyong ambag niya sa groceries ko nang maka-tanggap ako ng text mula kay Joaquin.

‘Am I some one night stand? You just left without saying anything? And now you’re doing groceries?’

Imbes na sagutin ko iyong text niya, nagscroll back ako. Ito ata ang pinaka-mahabang text niya sa akin.

’Oks noted. Next time mag-iiwan ako ng sticky note, ’ sagot ko sa kanya bago ko tinago iyong cellphone ko at saka dumiretso na ako para magbayad ng mga binili ko.

Nakita ko si James na naka-tayo sa harap ng condo ko. May dala-dala siyang dalawang six pack beer. Kumunot ang noo ko. Namumula iyong mga mata niya.

“Okay ka lang?” agad na tanong ko nang makalapit ako sa kanya. Fuck. Bigla akong nakonsensya. Inisip ko pa na patay-gutom siya e may pinagdadaanan ata siya. Taena ko rin talaga minsan.

He nodded pero bobo lang ang maniniwala sa sinabi niya. Hindi na muna ako nagsalita pa. Binuksan ko muna iyong pinto. Pumasok kami doon. Tahimik lang na naupo si James. He began to drink. Pakiramdam ko hindi pa siya kumakain kaya naman mabilis na nagluto muna ako ng dinner namin. Nang matapos ako, hinanda ko iyong lamesa. We ate quietly. I tried not to look at him habang kumakain kasi alam ko iyong pakiramdam na pine-pressure ka na magsalita. If he just wanted company, that’s what I’d give him.

After dinner, nagvolunteer siya na maghugas ng mga pinggan. I just let him. Ako naman iyong humabol sa pag-inom. Nang matapos na siya, naupo kami sa carpet sa sahig habang nanonood ng Netflix. Tahimik lang kami hanggang sa mapa-tingin ako sa kanya dahil bigla na lang siyang umiiyak kahit na comedy iyong pinapanood namin. Hindi ko alam kung papansinin ko ba kasi ’di naman siya humahagulgol. Pero parang mas malala ’to? Iyong tipo na tahimik lang pero tuluy-tuloy iyong pagbagsak nung luha niya?

’Di ko talaga alam kung magpapatay malisya lang ba ako… pero hindi na ako maka-tiis. Tumayo ako at kumuha ng tissue. Nang maka-balik ako, tahimik ko siyang inabutan.

“Wag kang gagaya sa akin,” bigla niyang sabi.

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “Ano bang nangyari?”

“May girlfriend na si Tim.”

“Tim as in…?” Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Akala ko wala na ’yon?” nagtataka na tanong ko.

Iyong Tim na kinababaliwan ni James na tipo na napagod na ako kaka-lecture sa kanya kasi ’di din naman siya nakikinig? Akala ko okay na siya kasi kung sinu-sino na iyong kinu-kwento niya sa amin ngayon tapos biglang ito na naman? Deja vu ba ’to?!

“Di ko lang sinabi sa inyo kasi papagalitan niyo lang ako,” sabi niya habang humihikbi. Na-guilty ako kasi parang pinapagalitan ko pa siya e iyak na nga nang iyak. Inabutan ko siya ng tubig. Sinabi niya sa ’kin na the past year, nasa ‘situationship’ pa rin siya with Tim. Imbento niya lang lahat nung kwento niya sa amin na kalandian niya sa mga random na lalaki para hindi namin siya pagdudahan.

“Sabi niya ’di pa raw siya ready sa commitment… Tangina niya… Tapos biglang may hinard launch sa instagram na babae?!” galit na sabi niya pero kahit na ganon, mas ramdam ko pa rin iyong sakit sa boses niya.

I stayed silent as I let him vent out. Akala ko may maiistock pa ako na beer pero mukhang mauubos namin ’tong dalawa. Buti din pala Sunday bukas.

“Kaya ikaw, ’wag kang gagaya sa ’kin. ’Wag kang papatol sa straight,” sabi niya. “Iyang si Joaquin—sinasabi ko, sakit ng ulo lang ’yan. Experiment lang ’yan—experience lang iyong mga kagaya natin. Hindi tayo iyong tipo na pwedeng biglang i-hard launch sa Instagram.”

I looked at him as he broke down.

“Hanggang wala pang nangyayari, umiwas ka na agad,” he said.

‘A little too late,’ I thought to myself as I listened to his warnings.

---

Inabot na kami ng umaga—inabot na ako ng umaga sa pakikinig kay James. I just let him vent out all his feelings. I knew he needed to get this out of his system. Mabuti na lang din talaga na hindi sa school namin nag-aaral si Tim kasi imagine makasalubong namin sila ng girlfriend niya? Baka ako unang mambato sa kanya ng bato.

I kept my noise to a minumum habang natutulog si James. Nilinis ko iyong mga pinagkalatan namin. I heard my phone vibrate. I checked on it—ngayon ko lang nahawakan ulit iyong phone ko dahil busy ako sa pakikinig kay James kagabi.

‘Why are you so sarcastic?’ nakita ko na nagreply pala agad si Joaquin sa akin.

‘You doing grocery?’ he texted a few minutes after his previous text.

Normally, I would reply… pero napa-tingin ako kay James na kahit tulog e kitang-kita ko na namamaga iyong mga mata dahil sa pag-iyak.

I’d been playing fast and loose with my so-called ‘boundaries’ with Joaquin. Sinabi ko na dati na walang halik ulit na magaganap, but then we did way more than that. I said na at most e orgmates lang kami pero ngayon e friends with benefits na kami.

I needed to be firm with my boundaries… kung ayaw ko na magaya kay James kasi alam ko na one way or another, if I keep on letting him treat me like this, I’d fall.

I’d fall hard.

I’d fall fast.

The impact will kill me.

So, I mute his notification. FWB naman kami… Hindi naman namin kailangang mag-usap palagi. He can text me if he wanted to hook-up and I’ll do the same. Other than that, mas okay na ’wag na kaming mag-usap tungkol sa mga random na bagay na para bang magkaibigan talaga kami.

Kasi talaga naman si James.

Experience.

Experiment.

’Yan ’yung ginagawa namin ngayon.

I might be exciting for now but I know that one day, he’d go back to where he’s comfortable at—so, I needed to take caution for my future self.

---

The whole week ay naging busy ako lalo na doon sa isang subject ko na medyo delikado kaya kailangan ng extra-effort. In fairness, nawala sa isip ko si Joaquin dahil totoo pala na out of sight, out of mind? Until I received a text tungkol sa meeting sa org.

Tsk. I guess I couldn’t ignore him forever.

Nang makarating ako sa venue nung meeting, ramdam ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin habang naglalakad ako at naghahanap ng pwesto. Doon ako naupo sa dulo kasi balak ko din umalis agad after kasi marami pa akong gagawin. ’Di ko kaya na bumagsak sa kahit isang subject kasi made-delay ako tapos mas nakaka-stress pa na mag-explain sa magulang ko kung bakit ako bagsak e wala naman akong ibang role dito kundi ang mag-aral.

Medyo hindi ako nakinig sa meeting dahil ieemail naman iyong minutes. Doon ko na lang babasahin. Agenda lang naman e iyong projects for the second half of the sem. Nung narinig ko na nagtatayuan na iyong mga tao e tumayo na rin ako. Diretso lang akong naglakad palabas.

“Ano ba! Parang gago naman!” sabi ko nang bigla akong hawakan sa braso ni Joaquin. Akala ko talaga e mahoholdap ako. Tangina anong klaseng paliwanag ang gagawin ko sa magulang ko?! Na kailangan ko na naman bumili ng laptop?!

Akala ko galit na ako dahil sa panggugulat niya sa akin pero nakita ko na madilim iyong expression sa mukha ni Joaquin.

“Ano?” I asked nang mukhang gago na naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. “Also, sa susunod nga, ’wag kang nanghahablot. Papatayin mo ata ako sa kaba,” dugtong ko kasi ang bilis pa rin ng kabog ng dibdib ko dahil akala ko e mahoholdap ako.

“You’ve been ignoring me,” bigla niyang sabi.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

I knew that had this conversation happen before, I’d be flustered kasi totoo naman na iniiwasan ko siya… pero totoo rin ata na na-traumatize ako sa overnight na pag-iyak ni James na bigla akong kinabahan para sa sarili ko.

“I thought we’re doing this?” he asked.

“Ang alin? Iyong friends with benefits?”

He didn’t say yes nor nod.

“Oo. Iyon pa rin naman. Bakit?” I asked as I tightened the hold on the strap of my bag for emotional support… o dahil natatakot ako na baka ma-holdap pa rin ako? Taena kasi nito.

“So, why are you ignoring me?”

“Hindi nga,” sabi ko. He slightly arched my brow as if he was telling me that I was lying straight to his face. “Busy ako. Finals na kaya,” dugtong ko. “Also…”

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Okay.

Ito na iyong sinasabi ko na boundaries.

God. I hated having this kind of talk, but I guess when you get into this kind of ‘set-up,’ it’s important to draw some lines and rules para lang din sa safety ng lahat.

“If gusto mo ng makipagmakeout or whatever, just text me. Magrereply ako.”

“And if I text you about other things?”

“You mean org-related? Magre-reply ako. Grabe ka. ’Di naman ako irresponsible,” sabi ko. Mamatay-matay na nga ako dati para lang pagsabayin lahat ng pinapagawa niya pati mga schoolworks ko. Oo, nagreklamo ako pero at the end of the day, ang importante ay ginawa ko pa rin. Reklamador lang ako, pero ginagawa ko naman.

“Not that,” he said like he didn’t appreciate the fact that I was trying to lighten up the obviously gloomy atmosphere between us.

“Magrereply ako pag may time,” sagot ko. “But seriously…” I said as I stared right into his eyes and for some reason, I was reminded of when I was looking at James’ swollen eyes. “Let’s just be around each other when we’re both horny, you know?”

Mas lumalim iyong kunot ng noo niya.

“Where the fuck is ‘friends’ in ‘friends with benefits’, then?”

“Huh… well, if you’ll be technical about that, then I guess mas applicable iyong ‘fuck buddies’ sa ating dalawa… but then again, hindi pa sure kung makakapagfuck ba tayo ever,” I just stated it like it was a matter of fact.

I saw his jaw clenching like I was so close to pissing him off. Ano’ng problema nito? Ilang beses niya kayang sinabi sa akin na attracted lang siya sa akin sexually pero wala siyang pakielam sa akin. ’Di ba dapat mas matuwa siya na napaka-proactive kong tao?

“You were the one who told me that we can just makeout.”

“True,” I replied. “I enjoyed it. Wala naman akong reklamo—” Natigilan ako sandali. “May reklamo pala ako. Ayoko ng iniiwan ako ng kiss marks sa katawan ko.”

“Why?” he asked using an accusatory tone.

“Just because ayoko lang,” sagot ko. “I’m sure you also won’t appreciate it kung magpaka-lamok ako sa katawan mo.”

Naka-tayo lang kami sa harap ng isa’t-isa. ’Di pa ba kami tapos dito? Kasi gutom na ako tapos marami pa akong gagawin talaga.

“Okay na?” sabi ko nung isang minuto na ata ang lumipas at parang gago lang siya na naka-tingin sa akin. I adjusted my bag and gave him a small smile. “So, text mo na lang ako whenever. Una na ako. May tatapusin pa akong paper,” I told him as I began to walk away at iniisip ko kung bibili na lang ba ako ng pagkain o magluluto ako.

Then I felt my phone vibrating.

‘Go to my condo when you’re done with your paper.’

My lips parted as I read his text. I looked behind me and saw that he was already walking away. Tignan mo ’yung siraulo na ’yon… 

**

This story is already at Chapter 36 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 23

In all honesty, pupunta naman talaga ako kay Joaquin… kaso alas dos na ako natapos sa may paper ko. Pagod na iyong utak ko—wala na ako sa tamang pag-iisip para gumawa ng kababalaghan… and most importantly, wala na akong energy para maglakad pa sa labas papunta sa may condo niya.

‘Yo pass muna. Baka tulog ka na rin. Next time na lang.’

Agad na napa-kunot iyong noo ko sa question mark na reply niya. Mas gusto ko pa ma-seenzone kaysa maka-receive ng punyetang question mark na ’yan. Napaka-passive aggressive ng dating sa akin ng hinayupak na question mark na ’yan. Mas mabuti pa na iblock niya na lang ako.

Pasalamat talaga si Joaquin at antok na antok na ako kaya naman ’di ko na pinatulan ’yung question mark niya.

Papunta na sana ako ng school nang mapa-kunot ang noo ko dahil parang nakita ko si Joaquin na nasa harap ng condo ko. I had to wince to make sure na tama pa iyong nakikita ko. Pero palapit ako nang palapit at mas nagiging sigurado ako na si Joaquin nga iyong naka-tayo sa may harap ng condo ko.

Nandito ba siya dahil ’di ko siya sinipot kagabi? Nagsabi naman ako! Sabi niya rin naman sa ’kin pumunta ako sa kanya after schoolwork ko. Kasalanan ko ba na alas dos na nung matapos ako? Aba, estudyante muna ako bago fwb niya, noh. May priorities naman ako kahit papano.

“May hinihintay ka?” I asked him kasi malay ko ba na may iba siyang kakilala na dito rin naka-tira sa building?

“What kind of friend with benefit are you?” he asked using an accusatory tone.

I quickly looked around dahil baka may makarinig sa amin! Umagang-umaga e iniistress ako ng taong ’to!

I began walking bago pa man may makakita sa amin dito. At least kapag naglalakad mas… ewan? ’Di suspicious? Bakit? Member naman kami ng same org. Hindi naman siguro nakakapagtaka kung maglakad man kami nang sabay.

“Nagtext naman ako sa ’yo,” sabi ko sa kanya. Sana ’di siya nandito para makipagtalo sa akin. Ni hindi pa ako nagbe-breakfast. Wala akong energy para labanan siya.

“At 2AM.”

“E 2AM na ako natapos,” sabi ko. “Bakit? Hinihintay mo ako?” I teased.

“Yes.”

Bahagya akong natigilan dahil sa diretso niyang sagot. But I quickly recovered. I elbowed him.

“Naks. Masyado ko bang ginalingan last time?” I said in jest kasi ewan ko… Naaalibadbaran ako sa mood ni Joaquin. Bakit ba para siyang tanga? Friends with benefits lang naman kami? Trabaho ko ba ’to? Required ba na available ako lagi sa kanya? ’Di ba dapat for fun lang ’to?

Bahagyang napa-kunot ulit iyong noo ko nang makita ko na nagbago na naman iyong ekspresyon sa mukha niya. Gone was that bad vibes surrounding his face. He looked… normal now. And by normal, I mean iyong ‘fake’ na pagmumukha niya. May sira sa ulo talaga ’to.

“What were you working on last night?” he asked instead. His tone completely shifted na parang interested lang talaga siya na malaman.

“Paper sa COMM101,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“Oh. Tough subject.”

“Yup. Saka medyo tagilid ako nung midterms kaya kailangan ko galingan ngayon.”

“Who’s your prof?”

“Diaz.”

“Oh. He was my prof before.”

“Talaga? May tips ka ba d’yan?”

Habang naglalakad kami, sinabihan ako ni Joaquin ng tips para maipasa ko iyong subject ko. Okay naman ’to… ’Di naman ’to considered as landian. Saka kailangan ko ’to sa grades ko, noh! Marami akong plano sa buhay ko.

“Salamat sa tips,” sabi ko. “Ah… sorry ulit kagabi. 2AM na kasi ’yon. Tinatamad na rin ako maglakad papunta sa condo mo.”

Bakit ba ang bilis ko ma-guilty? Tsk. Pero na-guilty naman talaga ako. Kung baliktad kami ng sitwasyon, mabu-bwisit din talaga ako… but then again, e sa matagal akong magsulat ng paper, e! Uunahin ko pa ba siya kaysa sa grades ko na naghihingalo?

“That was the reason?” he asked.

“Na… ’di ako pumuntta?” I asked back and he gave a single nod. “Hmm… Oo,” sabi ko. “Alas dos na kaya non. Isipin mo if pupunta ako sa ’yo tapos matatapos tayo around 5AM? Tapos uuwi pa ako? Tapos matutulog saglit tapos papasok sa school? Iniisip ko pa lang, napapagod na ako.”

Kung makapagsalita ako akala mo e nasa magkabilang probinsya kami pero kahit na. Katamad kasi aakyat pa ako sa condo niya tapos bababa tapos lalabas tapos aakyat ako pabalik sa condo ko.

“Is this you asking me to go to your condo instead?”

Agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “Hindi, ah. Asa ka pa.”

“What? Why not?”

Bakit ba parang biglang ang layo ng building ko? Wala pa ba kami? Bakit kanina ko pa kausap ’tong tao na ’to?

“Ayoko lang. Personal space ko ’yung condo ko. Kung gagawa man tayo ng kababalaghan, sa condo mo na lang.”

“Why are you describing it like it’s some horror experience?”

“Parang ganon na rin.”

“Really,” he said with a deadpan expression.

“Yeah.”

“How come?”

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. May hate relationship talaga ako sa taenang phrase na ’yan.

“Tsk. Basta,” sabi ko na lang. “Pero ayon. Rule na lang din siguro na kung wala pa akong paramdam before 12AM, ibig sabihin hindi tuloy for whatever reason.”

“12AM? That’s too early.”

“Tingin mo sa ’kin? ’Di natutulog?”

“But we do school works early in the evening. It’s such a tight timeline if the deadline’s 12AM.”

Were we seriously debating over schedule sa makeout namin?!

“Eh ganon talaga. Baka ibig sabihin nito ay maging weekend thing na lang for everybody’s sanity,” I told him at naka-hinga ako nang maluwag dahil finally ay naka-rating na kami sa building ko. I was starting to think na nanuno kami at paikut-ikot lang kami sa school. Muntik ko na siyang paghubarin ng damit para baliktarin iyon—kaso baka magkagulo ang school body dahil sa katawan ni Joaquin. Kasi kahit gaano siya ka-epal, hindi ko makakaila na the body is tea.

“Sige. Bye. See you this weekend maybe,” I said as I did a little salute bago ako diretso na naglakad papasok sa building ko na taena bakit biglang parang ilang kilometro bago ako nakarating dito?

---

Around 8PM, naka-rinig ako ng katok sa may pintuan ko. Natigilan ako dahil… sino ’yan?

As I stood up and walk towards the door, I tried to remember kung may dapat ba akong kitain ngayon? Pero impossible kasi busy ako sa schoolworks saka busy din iyong mga kaibigan ko. Pare-pareho naman kaming nasa finals period.

I looked at the peephole and saw Joaquin standing outside my door. What the hell?! Paano niya nalaman iyong exact na unit ko?!

Hindi ko agad binuksan iyong pinto. He sent me a message. Nagvibrate iyong phone ko na hawak ko. Napa-tingin siya sa pintuan. He knocked again.

“Open the door,” he said like he knew that I was standing right behind it.

Fuck. May sa maligno talaga ang tao na ’to.

I drew a deep breath before I opened the door. Mukhang kaka-galing niya lang sa school dahil sa suot niya—hell, dala pa nga rin niya ’yung bag niya. Dumiretso siya dito?

“Pano mo nalaman na dito ako?” I asked, my tone full of accusation.

“Org data sheet,” he casually replied.

“What the—” Natigilan na sabi ko upon realization. “Abuse of power!”

He simply just shrugged. I saw him looking behind me as if he was checking my unit out. Ayaw ko siyang papasukin talaga dahil kailangan ko ng safe space na wala niyang bakas but at the same time, anytime ay may lalabas na estudyante mula sa isa sa mga kapitbahay ko. Ayaw ko mang aminin, sikat talaga si Joaquin sa school namin. Pwede ko pa bang gawing excuse na orgmates kami kaya nandito siya sa condo ko?

“Get your things. Let’s study in my condo.”

“What? No. Ayoko nga.”

He shrugged. “Fine by me. I can study here, too.”

I looked at him like he has lost his damn mind because at this point, I was damn sure that he did. Seriously… I’d been told na magaling ako humalik pero taena naman? OA naman ata ’to?!

“What?” he asked nang hindi ako nakapagreact dahil sa mga narinig ko mula sa kanya.

I looked at him some more. I knew he went here ready to argue with me about this shit and… I had no energy for this.

“Fine,” I said in resignation. “Ayusin ko lang gamit ko. Hintayin mo ako sa labas ng building or uwi ka na. Sunod na lang ako.”

“I’ll wait outside,” he replied and then turned around. Tsk. Akala mo naman tatakasan ko. As if naman may matatakbuhan ako e at this point, alam na rin niya iyong address ko sa may probinsya. Bakit naman kasi napaka-honest ko doon sa may information sheet? Pero in my defense, malay ko ba na gagamitin niya ’yon para alamin ang whereabouts ko?! Hindi ba for emergency purposes iyong mga ganon? Tsk. Puro problema binibigay sa akin ng tao na ’yon.

Nagpalit lang ako ng graye joggers at white shirt. Dala ko rin iyong backpack ko kasi ’di naman ako nagsisinungaling na marami akong dala. Just to be sure lang din, dinala ko iyong noise cancelling headphones ko para ’di ko marinig kung anumang katangahan ang lalabas sa bibig niya.

“Do you have dues?” he asked while we were walking side by side.

“Yup. Paper ulit pero more on research. Marami akong gagawin,” I said, giving him a fair warning.

“I have deadlines, too.”

“Okay. Cool.”

Diretso lang kaming naglakad sa may lobby ng condo niya. In my head, iniisip ko na iyong mga kailangan kong gawin at kung hanggang anong oras ako dito. Isa sa mga rule ko ay no sleep over kasi first of all, bakit naman ako dito matutulog? Malaki ang chance na magkaroon ng cuddling session against my will. Also, nasa kabilang kanto lang iyong condo ko. Mas gusto ko naman matulog sa sarili kong kama.

“Can you at least tell me who?” bigla niyang sabi.

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya na naka-kunot ang noo kasi ano na naman sinasabi ng lecheng ’to? “Ha?”

“Who did you hook-up with here?”

Lumalim iyong kunot ng noo ko. “Ito na naman?”

“I’m just curious,” he said casually. “Every time I’d see someone around, I wonder if that’s the guy—or is it guys?”

I eyed him. “Ang weird mo.”

“Just satisfy my curiosity.”

“No.”

“Franco—”

“No,” I firmly said. “Seriously, just drop it. Hindi ko sasabihin sa ’yo kahit ’yan pa ang dying wish mo.”

“So, you just want me to wonder if the guy in front of me’s the one you hooked up with?”

“No. What I want is for you to stop wondering about that,” sabi ko tapos hinintay ko siya na i-tap iyong card niya para mapindot niya na ’yung floor niya. Tsk. Napaka-higpit ng building na ’to samantalang siya naka-puslit papunta sa harap ng mismong pintuan ko. Ireklamo ko nga ’yung guard. What if masamang tao ’tong si Joaquin? I mean… he’s half-way there dahil baliw siya.

Bago pa man sumara iyong pinto, may humabol na lalaki. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya dahil familiar na mukha siya—until I realized na member siya ng school varsity namin. Huh… matangkad pala talaga siya.

Napa-tingin ako sa katabi ko. He was staring at the guy. Taena nito… iniisip niya ba na naka-hookup ko ’to?! Literal na napa-tingin lang ako ng isang segundo?! Tsk. Buang. Bahala siya d’yan mag-overthink.

Nang dumating na kami sa floor niya, lumabas na ako. Medyo masikip iyong elevator kasi ang laking tao ng dalawang kasama ko kaya naman medyo napatama ako sa may braso nung varsity player. Nagsorry ako kasi may manners naman ako.

I knew Joaquin’s imagination was already working overtime again kaya ’di ko na siya pinansin pa at naglakad na ako papunta sa may unit niya. Nang huminto ako sa harapan non, lumingon ako para tignan siya. I thought he’d be at least a few feet away from me, but I was surprised when I realized that he was just right behind me. I quickly felt his arm in front of me.

In a single breath, he opened the door.

In a split of a second, we were both in.

In blink of an eye, his lips were all over me yet again.

**

This story is already at Chapter 37 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 24

My eyes widened with the initial shock, but apparently, my lips didn’t get the memo because before I even knew it, I was already kissing him back. Fucking traitor lips!

As I was busy kissing him back, narinig ko iyong pagbagsak nung bag ko sa sahig. My eyes widened. Tangina, iyong laptop ko! Bakit ba laging delikado iyong laptop ko dahil sa lalaking ’to?!

I quickly pushed him away but as I did, his lips chased mine.

“Wait lang,” I said while both of my hands were against his chest, pushing him away.

“What is it?” he asked. I ignored the part where his voice sounded drunk. I mean… fine. Masarap naman talaga pero tangina, iyong laptop ko! Malapit na talaga akong magbenta ng feet pics kapag nasira na naman ’tong laptop ko!

I kneeled down, opened my bag, and inspected my laptop. Nang masigurado ko na okay lang siya ay niyakap ko ’yon.

“What are you doing?” he asked. Medyo nahimasmasan na ata siya. I had to look up to look at him dahil naka-tayo pa rin siya at nasa sahig ako. My lips parted upon realization kung gaano kagulo iyong buhok niya.

“Nabagsak iyong bag ko. Nandito ’yung laptop.”

“Oh,” he said. “Everything’s good?”

Tumango ako. Sasabihin ko pa sana na delikado lagi iyong laptop ko dahil sa kanya, pero nawalan na ako ng pagkakataon dahil mabilis niya akong hinatak papa-tayo. I felt him grabbing my bag away from me. He was walking as he was attacking my lips. Napa-lakad din ako paatras dahil sa ginawa niya. My eyes were wide open while we were kissing dahil sinusundan ng mga mata ko iyong bag ko. Importante nga kasi ’yon! Naka-hinga ako nang maluwag nang ipatong niya iyon doon sa may one-seater couch.

But then all thoughts flew away as I felt the couch against my back.

I didn’t even have the time to make myself feel comfortable because Joaquin was quickly hovering over me. I felt his weight pressing down on me.

I mean… at this point, baka totoo nga na bisexual siya? The hard on was very hard.

But knowing Joaquin… I’d still like to err in the side of caution. It still didn’t make sense to me kung paano kami nakarating sa punto na ’to. I still remember that one fucking weird ass of a night na bigla na lang siyang lumabas sa CR na parang may masamang plano sa akin. Realistic lang ako kasi… pakiramdam ko kung isang araw bigla niya akong sabihan na trip niya lang ’tong lahat, hindi na ako magugulat. Sure, I might feel other things pero iyong magulat? Hindi siguro.

I was forced to look up to him when he yanked a portion of my hair.

“Focus on me,” he said, his voice demanding.

“I—” But I lost all train of thoughts when I saw that this was not a fight that he’d lose. Fine… I was not focusing on him, anyway. I was thinking about other things. Malay ko ba na mapapansin niya pa ’yon?

I did not want to explain kung ano iyong iniisip ko. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him back down and once again, we were heavily making out.

---

I didn’t know for sure kung gaano kami katagal nagmomol. I just instinctively told him to stop when I felt the soreness of my lips. Ayoko naman pumasok bukas na namamaga iyong labi ko. Baka isipin ng mga tao na napakarami kong allergy sa katawan. Lagi na lang may namumula o namamaga sa akin.

I told Joaquin that I really needed to focus—na hindi ako nagjojoke o kung anuman at kung guguluhin niya ako, aalis ako dito dahil kailangan ko talagang matapos ’to. He reminded me na may deadlines din siya. Good. Doon siya sa may study room niya habang iniwan niya ako dito sa sala. Tsk. Pasalamat siya hindi ako magnanakaw. Ang daming pwedeng nakawin dito sa condo niya. Also, side note, bakit kailangan na nasa three bedroom condo siya?! Napaka-unfair talaga ng buhay!

“Ano?” I asked nang tanggalin ko iyong suot ko na headphones. Noise-cancelling naman ’yon, pero naramdaman ko iyong bad vibes ni Joaquin kaya alam ko na lumabas siya mula sa study room niya.

“I asked if you’re hungry,” sabi niya.

“Nope.”

“You sure?”

I nodded tapos ay binalik ko iyong atensyon ko sa ginagawa ko. Naka-fasting na ako. Seryoso nga kasi ’yung diet ko. Naisip ko rin na bukod sa magkaka-abs ako, makaka-tipid na ako at saka mababawasan pa iniisip ko. Nakaka-tamad kaya mag-isip minsan ng kakainin ko.

I ignored Joaquin who was in the kitchen doing whatever it was that he was doing since condo niya naman ’to. Napa-tingin lang ako sa kanya nang may platito na may sandwich ang biglang nasa harapan ko.

“Ano ’yan?”

“Sandwich,” pilosopo na sagot niya.

“Duh.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang trip niya sa buhay dahil bigla siyang naupo sa may coach sa likuran ko. Nasa may sahig kasi ako at doon naka-upo. Comfortable naman ’yon dahil may carpet. Actually ang saya nga mag-aral dito kung wala lang si Joaquin.

Nasa may gilid ko siya naka-upo. His leg was touching my arm. He leaned in a bit at saka sinubukan na basahin iyong paper ko.

“Hmm,” he hummed.

“Ano na naman?”

“Nothing.”

“Ano nga?”

“When did you start?”

“Last weekend.”

“Can I?” he asked. I nodded. He leaned in some more. Nilagay niya iyong mga daliri niya sa may trackpad at saka dahan-dahang nagscroll doon sa document. Pwede bang hindi na ako huminga? Bakit kasi literal na nasa gilid ko siya? Iyong tipo na lumingon lang ako ay mahahalikan ko na naman siya.

“How do you write your paper?” he asked after a few minutes of trying to read my paper.

“Research sa topic tapos nagstart na ako sa draft ko,” I replied. “Bakit?”

Bigla siyang naupo sa gilid ko. I became more aware that once again, he’s in my space. Pero bakit pa ba ako nagugulat? After ng lahat ng pinaggagawa namin?

“Do you want my help?” he asked.

“Not really…” I said in jest.

He shrugged. “Fine.”

“Tsk. Sensitive naman nito. Pero ano? Sobrang pangit ba ng draft ko? Pero in my defense, draft pa lang naman kasi!”

“Your draft’s all over the place,” sabi niya. “When I

write papers, after reading related literature, I make a detailed outline so that I know where the paper’s heading at. I make the main arguments and then the supporting arguments—everything has sources. Cite the shit out of it.“

Dahil sa sobrang pagka-gago ni Joaquin, nalimutan ko na ata na matalino talaga siya… I mean, he wouldn’t be the vice-president of the biggest org in the school for nothing. Saka hindi naman siya sikat sa school dahil lang gwapo siya—sikat siya kasi gwapo at matalino siya.

Para kaming nagkaroon ng mini workshop. Tinuruan ako ni Joaquin kung paano mag-organize. Inuto ko na rin siya para ayusin iyong paper ko.

“You think I don’t know what you’re doing?” he asked with his brow arched.

I shrugged. “I learn best by example.”

“Hmm… Is that so?”

Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko nang ma-realize ko na double entendre pala iyong nasabi ko. Tsk. Napaka-bastos talaga ng utak ng isang ’to. Kung hindi lang siya honor student, iisipin ko na kahalayan 24/7 lang ang nasa utak niya.

Joaquin chuckled at my reaction. “I’ll fix your outline but you write your own paper.”

“Deal.”

“And eat your sandwich while I’m doing this.”

Hindi na ako nakipagtalo pa sa kanya dahil baka biglang magbago ang isip niya. I sat back and enjoyed the sandwich habang tinitignan ko iyong ginagawa niya… Aba, mahirap na. Wala pa naman akong backup files. Baka gago talaga ’to at biglang burahin lahat ng files ko. Tsk. Mukhang gago naman kung ngayon ko mismo ibabackup? Ang kapal ng mukha kong kainin iyong sandwich niya tapos nagdududa pala ako sa kanya.

“Tapos ka na?” I asked.

He nodded and then he proceeded to explain to me iyong mga binago, tinanggal, at dinagdag niya doon sa draft ko. I tried to look as casual but damn… iba pala talaga gumana ang utak ng mga matatalino? I mean, basically ganito rin naman naiisip ko but somehow he made it better? As in way better tapos ang ganda nung outline niya na parang nakikita ko na iyong end of the tunnel agad-agad.

“Thank you,” sabi ko nung matapos siyang mag-explain. “Ano na naman?” I asked nung nakita ko na bahagyang naka-arko iyong kilay niya sa sinabi ko.

“Nothing…” he said with that annoying smile on his face. “Didn’t know that thank you is a part of your vocabulary.”

“Tss. Wala ka kasing ginagawa na ka-thank you thank you kaya ’di mo naririnig sa ’kin ’yan.”

“I just helped you.”

“Exactly. Kaya nag thank you ako,” sabi ko tapos ay napa-tingin ako sa oras doon sa may screen ng laptop. “Almost 12 na pala,” I added and then I stood up. Nilagay ko iyong platito na may sandwich at saka hinugasan iyon dahil hindi naman ako bastos.

“You’re leaving?” he asked nang isara ko na iyong laptop ko tapos ay nilagay ko na sa bag ko iyong mga gamit ko.

I nodded. “Yup.”

Kinuha ko iyong bag ko tapos ay sinukbit ko sa balikat ko. Tumingin ako kay Joaquin na alam ko na kanina pa naka-sunod iyong mga mata sa akin.

“Thanks ulit,” sabi ko kasi thankful naman talaga ako sa ginawa niya. Sabi niya outline lang ’yon pero literally maglalagay na lang ako ng details at good to submit na ’yon. Ang galing talaga, e. Ang bilis niya nagawa habang ako ilang linggo ko iniisip ’yong hinayupak na paper na ’yon.

He gave me a small nod… which surprised me a bit dahil usually ay madaming sinasabi ’tong tao na ’to.

I gave him a small nod back. Nagsimula na akong maglakad papunta sa pinto niya.

“Franco,” he called nang hawak ko na iyong doorknob.

“Yup?” sagot ko.

“You have plans this weekend?”

Bahagyang kumunot iyong noo ko. Medyo wala na akong sense of date and time sa dami ng ginagawa ko kaya naman tinignan ko muna sa calendar app ko kung ano ba meron this weekend. Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko upon realizing na shet… birthday ko na pala?!

“Ah… Meron, e,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“The whole weekend?”

“Yup,” sagot ko.

Wala naman akong plano pa talaga pero just in case na ayain ako ni Joaquin, wala lang akong balak i-celebrate iyong birthday ko kasama siya.

I waited five seconds para sa sagot niya pero nang wala siyang sinabi, I gave him a little wave bago ako tuluyang lumabas na sa condo niya. Habang naglalakad ako, napa-isip tuloy ako kung ano ang pwede kong gawin this weekend…

---

Nilista ko lahat ng gusto kong gawin ngayong birthday ko.

Once again, I was reminded na kailangan kong yumaman dahil lahat ng gusto kong gawin ay kailangan ko ng pera.

Napa-isip ako kung lalabas pa ba ako o kung ano ang gagawin ko sa Saturday. I mean, hindi naman ako big on birthdays… Hindi rin naman milestone birthday ’to. Hindi rin alam ng friends ko na birthday ko kasi ewan. Ayoko lang gawing big deal. Kasi what if sabihin ko sa kanila na birthday ko tapos wala naman silang gawin? E ’di na-disappoint lang ako? ’Wag na lang. Saka okay lang naman sa akin kung sa condo lang ako ngayon tapos oorder na lang ako ng pagkain tapos ay manonood ng netflix.

When Saturday came, nasira agad iyong balak ko na manood ng Netflix dahil nagka-problema bigla sa wifi sa condo. I decided na lumabas na lang. Dahil wala naman akong plano at oras lang ang meron ako, I decided na pumunta na sa museum. I just walked around. It was nice but… ewan. I couldn’t help but think that this would be a way better experience kung may kasama ako at makakausap tungkol sa mga art pieces na nasa harapan ko.

Whatever.

Sa future siguro may kasama na ako dito, but for now, enjoy-in ko muna kung anuman ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. Mas magfofocus ako sa pag-aaral kasi nga kailangan ko ng pera. Tsk. Next life talaga kailangan ay generational wealth baby na ako.

After ko sa museum, I decided to treat myself to a nice meal. Tapos ay naglakad-lakad na rin ako sa Intramuros. Nagbike din ako tapos ay pumunta ako sa night market. The day turned out pretty fun.

Around 9PM ay naka-balik na ako sa condo. Thankfully ay okay na ulit iyong wifi. Umiinom lang ako ng beer habang nanonood ng Netflix.

“Bakit?” I asked nang sagutin ko iyong tawag ni Joaquin. It was past 11PM. Ano na naman kailangan ng tao na ’to?

“Where are you?”

“Bakit?”

“Just answer when asked a question.”

I clicked my tongue. “Sa condo.”

“Okay. Be there in a few minutes.”

“May ginagawa ako. ’Di ako pwede,” I told him kasi baka balak niya na naman makipaglandian. Wala akong balak samahan siya ngayong birthday ko, noh. Ano siya? Jowa?

“Yeah, yeah,” he replied. “I’ll be really quick.”

“Kahit quickie bawal.”

“The fuck,” sabi niya na parang kung nasa harapan ko siya ay makikita ko iyong pagkunot ng noo niya. Taena. Lasing na ba ako? Dahil lang sa dalawang lata ng beer?! Sinasabi ko na quickie?! Ni dry humping nga ’di pa namin nagagawa, e. Ewan ko ba.

“Joke lang,” sabi ko na lang. “Text mo na lang ako pag nasa baba ka na.”

After the call, binalik ko iyong atensyon ko sa pinapanood ko. It was actually good. Pilitin ko nga si Andrew na panoorin ’to para may makausap ako tungkol sa mga possible theories ko. Nasa kalagitnaan na ako nung exciting part nung biglang magtext si Joaquin na nasa baba na raw siya.

Labag sa loob ko na pinause ko iyong pinapanood ko para puntahan siya kasi knowing him, medyo may pagka-reklamador ’yon. Baka sabihin e pinaghintay ko pa siya. ’Di na ako nag-effort na magpalit pa. Suot ko pa rin ’yung gray shorts at white t-shirt ko. Pinatungan ko lang ng jacket at saka ako bumaba. Naglakad agad ako papunta sa may sasakyan niya nung makita ko ’yon.

“Ano na naman kailangan—”

Pero agad akong napa-hinto nang makita ko na may hawak siyang cake.

“Happy birthday,” he said while holding the small cake and while he’s looking at me. He only said two words yet those two words were enough to make my heart constrict inside my chest.

Dahil ba ngayon lang ako naka-tanggap ng cake mula sa ibang tao?

Even my own parents weren’t big on celebrating birthdays.

I did buy myself cakes before but then I stopped because it kind of felt weird buying your own birthday cake.

“I know you have plans. I’m just here to give you this,” he said.

I looked at him.

Joaquin

The guy I knew just a few months ago.

The guy whom I was so certain was only fucking around with me.

But… but maybe he wasn’t? Kasi bakit niya naman ’to gagawin?

“Pano mo nalaman na birthday ko?”

“I told you I did check your info sheet.”

“Kaya mo ako tinanong kung may plano ako this weekend?”

“Yeah,” sagot niya. “I remembered you enjoyed the beach so much. I thought we can drive to La Union for your birthday, but it’s fine since you have your own plans.”

“Bakit ang bait mo sa akin?”

“What?”

I just stared at him as my response.

“This again,” he said like he’s exasperated. “You’re not a random one night stand. We’re friends. With benefits. This is the benefits part.”

I stared at him once more.

Him.

And my birthday cake.

“Okay,” I said… barely audibly. “May pupuntahan ka ba?”

“You mean now?”

I nodded.

“Why?” he asked as he slightly tilted his head to the side.

I shrugged. “Wala lang. Nanonood lang ako ng netflix. And may beer ako.”

“Are you asking me for a Netflix and chill?”

“Tsk. ’Wag na nga. Akin na ’yang cake ko,” I said as I tried to grab the cake away from him. Mukhang ang sarap pa naman nung cake! San kaya niya binili ’to? Kanina pa niya binili? Kasi for sure wala ng bukas na bakery sa oras na ’to.

But before I even heard his answer, I heard the sound of him unbuckling his seatbelt. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 38 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 25

“Don’t overthink,” I heard him say the brief moment his lips parted from mine. Nabasa niya ba iyong nasa isip ko? Kasi… fuck! It’s literally been months since I last had sex. Ano na nga ulit ginagawa?! Also, I never thought that we’d do this today. I didn’t do anything dahil akala ko e tutunganga lang ako at manonood ng Netflix buong araw!

“Pero—”

“No,” he said before his lips were back to kissing mine once again.

It was like Joaquin was determined to make me forget whatever it was that was clouding my mind.

“Wait,” I gasped as he pressed me against the door. Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Fuck. Hindi ko naman ’to first time pero… “I’m—”

“Nervous?” Joaquin finished, a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. His thumb traced my bottom lip, pressing just slightly. “Because I’m definitely not stopping now.”

The words hung between us—not a question, not quite a threat. More like a promise. His eyes were dark, electric with want. No pretense of giving me an out. Just pure, unfiltered desire.

His hand slid to the back of my neck, fingers pressing just hard enough to make my breath catch. “Unless you want me to.”

“I mean, hindi naman sa ayaw ko pero—” my voice caught, fragmented by desire and anxiety.

He leaned in, lips barely touching mine. His breath was warm. Intimate. “We’ll go slow—or at least I’ll try,” he whispered. Each word felt like a promise and a threat. “Tell me to stop anytime.”

The way he touched me, once again, contradicted his words.

His right hand pressed against the wall beside my head, the other sliding to my waist. His fingers dug just hard enough to make me gasp. I tasted beer on his breath. Saan ba siya galing? May kasama ba siya kanina? Talaga bang dumaan lang siya para ibigay sa akin iyong cake ko?

But then he bit my lower lip, a small sound escaped me. It was as if he really could read my mind and he knew that once again, my mind dared to drift elsewhere when his hands were busy touching me all over.

“Fuck,” Joaquin muttered against my mouth. The curse felt like another caress. My hands were shaking as they found the hem of his shirt. Hesitating. Uncertain. Joaquin caught my wrist, guided my hand underneath. His skin was warm. Solid. Real.

“Breathe,” he said softly. A command and a comfort.

The wall was cool against my back, a stark contrast to the heat of his body. His thigh pressed between my legs, and I couldn’t help the way my body responded. A soft moan that seemed to surprise even me.

He pulled back, just enough to look at me. His eyes were studying me. Consuming me.

“Tell me what you want.”

“I—” My voice was barely a whisper. “Hindi ko kaya… ngayon.”

I had thought about this very moment.

A lot of times.

An embarrassing amount of time.

I just… needed more time to prepare.

Joaquin’s fingers traced my jaw. A gentle touch that contradicted the urgency of his body. “We don’t have to. Just… let me touch you,” he breathed.

Somehow we moved to the couch. Fluid. Purposeful. His mouth found my neck, teeth grazing my skin. I arched up, caught between wanting more and being terrified of more.

“Look at me,” he whispered.

When I did, he slipped two fingers into my mouth.

Why… the fuck was that so hot?

The intimacy of the gesture made me shiver. Vulnerable. Exposed. His other hand pressed against me, the friction making me gasp around his fingers.

“Just like that,” Joaquin murmured. “Good boy.”

I was lying on the couch, my body tense with anticipation. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. Parehong malalim ang paghinga. It was as though my breathing was hanging in the air as I stared at Joaquin, waiting for what he’d do next… And then he positioned himself, sliding his right leg between mine. The pressure was intentional—every inch of contact calculated to make me acutely aware of his presence.

Tangina.

I tried to adjust, trying to find a more comfortable position, the movement drew a sound from Joaquin that was pure, unfiltered pleasure. A low groan that seemed to vibrate through both our bodies.

His eyes locked with mine—dark, intense, filled with a hunger that had been carefully contained until this moment.

He wasn’t moving. Waiting. Watching my every reaction with an intensity that made me feel simultaneously vulnerable and powerful. His eyes were dark—pupils dilated, a hunger that went beyond physical want.

The friction between us was building. Slow. Deliberate. His body pressed against mine, creating a delicious pressure that made coherent thought impossible. I arched up, meeting his body, and the sound he made in response was something between a growl and a moan.

“Fuck,” he muttered once again, the word more breath than sound.

My hands found his back, fingernails dragging against his skin, pulling him closer. No more space between us. No more careful distance. Just pure, desperate want.

He leaned down, his mouth finding my neck. Teeth grazing. Sucking. Marking. Each touch a question; each kiss an answer.

“Still nervous?” he whispered against my skin.

My only response was to pull him closer.

---

I felt my knees buckle nang tumayo ako mula sa kama. I looked at my bed sheet. Tsk. Kaka-palit ko lang, e.

“What? You’re kicking me out?” naka-kunot ang noo na tanong ni Joaquin nang pulutin ko iyong damit niya na nasa sahig at saka hinagis iyon sa kanya.

We didn’t go all the way, but damn… iyong mga pinaggagawa namin? Bakit pakiramdam ko mas malala pa ’yon sa mga nagawa ko dati? And fuck… to think na kamay lang ni Joaquin ’yon pero parang nabaliw ako at one point?! Paano na kapag totoo na talaga? Baka mamatay na lang ako! But then again, what a fantastic way to go.

“Duh,” sabi ko habang sinusubukang magmukhang normal. Sigurado ako na ’di ako tatantanan nito sa panunukso kapag nalaman niya na ang sakit ng tuhod at balakang ko dahil sa pinaggagawa niya.

“The day that I’d get to experience the ‘benefit’ part of this whole fwb, color me shocked,” he said and even used air quotes. Sarap bangasan ng pagmumukha talaga nito.

I glared at him. “Tingin mo sa pinagagawa natin? ’Di pa ba benefit ’yon?”

He wore his shirt. “Preview of some sort,” he said. Napaawang iyong labi ko. Preview?! Five hours na preview?! Wala ng ilalabas iyong katawan ko dahil ayaw niya akong tantanan.

I wanted to avert my gaze to give him some semblance of privacy habang nagpapalit siya but then again, why bother? Nakita, nahawakan, at natikman ko na ’yan. Ngayon pa ba ako mahihiya?

Kinuha niya iyong cellphone niya na nasa bulsa niya pala. Tsk. Iba talaga kapag mayaman—walang pakielam kahit malaglag iyong gadgets.

“You have plans Saturday night?” he asked.

“Di ko pa sigurado. Bakit?”

“You said you need time to prepare,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin pa rin sa cellphone niya. Mukhang nasa calendar app niya siya. “I’m giving you one week. Come Saturday, don’t even try telling me that you aren’t prepared.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

“Are you… trying to schedule us fucking?”

Tumingin siya sa akin at saka tumango. “Yes,” he said like I was an idiot for even asking. Ibinalik niya iyong cellphone niya sa bulsa niya. Sinuot niya iyong damit niya. Sinubukang ibutones iyong butones. He looked at me and gave me a disapproving look nang mapansin niya na may kulang na dalawang butones doon. Parang kasalanan ko pa! Siya nagmamadali na hubarin kagabi kaya.

“Put it in your calendar,” sabi niya.

“Okay pero pano kung biglang may school work na kailangang gawin?”

“You have seven days.”

“I know pero demanding ang school works.”

He arched a brow. “Are you just trying to get out of sleeping with me?”

“Hindi, ah,” sabi ko.

Pero… tangina?!

I mean, alam ko naman na malaki siya. Naramdaman ko naman dati. Pero iba pala kapag face to face?! Paano gagawin ko?! Buti sana kung sa end of the sem na lang namin gagawin para may sem break ako para magbed rest.

“Good,” he said. “Saturday. 8PM. Don’t forget.”

“Okay…”

Nagsimula na siyang maglakad. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya kasi wala naman akong balak ihatid siya. Ano siya, baby? Kaya niya ng maglakad mag-isa.

“Also,” he said as he stopped on his tracks. Lumingon siya. Ano na naman? Tuwing may sasabihin ’to, either maiirita ako o mase-stress ako. “Happy birthday.”

Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko.

Two words lang naman pero—

“Thanks,” I said bago pa man kung saan mapunta iyong iniisip ko. He said it himself—parte ’to ng benefits sa fwb namin. Iyon lang ’yon. If any, baka ako pa nga problema sa aming dalawa dahil kung tratuhin ko siya e parang dildo—according to him. Lagi ko raw siyang nilalayasan o pinapaalis. Aba, mahirap na!

I heard the sound of the door closing. Automatic na naglakad ako papunta doon sa cake niya na naiwan sa may lamesa ko. Kumuha ako ng tinidor at saka binuksan iyon. I took a photo. I didn’t post it, though. It was just for me—a little memento, a remembrance that at the very least, someone did remember.

Honestly, I thought he’d at least leave me alone for a week tapos magkikita na lang kami ng Saturday… or whatever. Ayoko pang isipin sa ngayon. Siguro kung wala talaga akong valid na dahilan para hindi matuloy, sa Thursday ko na iisipin.

Pero bakit ko ba dine-delay?! Mangyayari at mangyayari din naman. Dahil ba kapag nangyari na… wala na talagang atrasan? Kasi iyong mga nagawa namin? Ewan. Pwede pa siguro sabihin na just two bros doing bro things…?

“Ano?” sabi ko sa kanya kasi nagkita kami ngayong Wednesday dahil sa org activities.

“Just out of curiosity,” he said. “You… don’t need any help from me, right?”

Tumingin ako sa kanya na naka-kunot ang noo. “Baliw ka ba?”

“What?” he said, all false innocence. “I’m just being considerate. Want me to prepare some mood lighting? Scented candles? Rose petals scattered dramatically across the bed?”

Napaka-pilosopo talaga ng hayop na ’to.

I rolled my eyes. “Mukha mo. Baka ikaw may gusto niyang mga sinasabi mo.”

Joaquin’s laugh was pure mischief. “Seriously? Do you want to watch some tutorial videos? Research proper… refresher techniques?” He arched his brow. “You did say that it’s been a while for you, right?”

“Oh, my god,” I groaned. Ramdam ko lagi iyong sakit ng ulo kapag kausap ko siya. “Baka ikaw may kailangan ng refresher. Pino-project mo pa sa akin.”

“Do I need refresher?” he asked, the tone of his voice was suggestive. Agad na naramdaman ko iyong pag-init ng mukha ko dahil on a fucking random Wednesday night, naalala ko lahat ng pinagaggawa namin nung birthday ko!

I saw the delight on his face when he saw my reaction. Hayop talaga na ’to! Sinasadya niya na sabihin ’to sa akin habang nasa paligid lang iyong mga orgmates namin. May public humiliation kink ata si gago.

“See? I do know what to do with my hands. Now imagine what I can do with something else,” he said. Mahina iyong boses niya at thankfully, ako lang ang nakakarinig nitong mga kagaguhan niya.

Hindi na ako naka-tiis at binato ko siya nung papel na nilukot ko. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ko. Napa-tingin sa amin iyong mga orgmates namin. Nagulat din ata sila. Naka-tingin sila sa amin na para bang anytime ay hinihintay nila na ihagis ako ni Joaquin—joke’s on them dahil naihagis na talaga ako nung weekend.

But then all seemed… disappointed and surprised nung walang negative reaction si Joaquin hanggang sa nagsimula na talaga iyong agenda for the night.

Nang matapos iyong meeting, umalis na agad ako. Marami akong gagawin kasi magtatantrums na naman si gago kapag sinabi ko na ’di ako pwede ng Saturday. In a way, nagiging model student na rin ako dahil sa timeline at schedule ni Joaquin.

“Hey.”

Napa-tingin ako sa gilid ko nang marinig ko iyong boses niya. “Bakit na naman?”

“What? This is the same way home for me, too.”

“Tss. Ano na naman kailangan mo?”

“You talk as if I just constantly annoy you.”

“Buti alam mo.”

“I didn’t bother you the past two days.”

“Congrats,” sabi ko sa kanya and he just looked at me like he couldn’t believe how sarcastic I was. Tumingin kaya siya sa salamin!

“But seriously,” he said in a much more serious tone. “If you need anything…”

“Ano ba sa tingin mo kailangan ko?” I asked kasi kanina pa siya naghihint na may kailangan ako sa kanya. If any, peace of mind lang sana para matapos ko lahat ng deadlines ko dahil sigurado ako naka-bedrest ako sa Sunday. Kung preview lang nangyari nung birthday ko, talagang good luck na lang sa akin sa Saturday.

“You tell me,” he said. “When I did anal before—”

“Ugh. Pwede bang sex na lang sabihin mo?”

“Sure,” he said, surprisingly giving in easily. “As I was saying, I did notice that it was very uncomfortable—I mean, it did feel good but undoubtedly very painful for the other party.”

Naka-kunot ang noo ko. “Naks. Worried ka ba sa ’kin?” I asked, just really curious but that curiosity was quickly replaced with me wanting to tease him. “Ulol. Gago. Alam ko masarap ako, pero ’wag kang ma-in love. Friends with benefits lang tayo, remember?”

I was teasing.

Seriously just some light-hearted teasing.

“Exactly,” he said with a smile that was probably genuine on his part, but looked taunting from my end. “At least we’re in agreement.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 39 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 26

“Okay…” sabi ko sa sarili ko habang naka-tingin sa salamin.

I was torn between wanting to do it and not wanting to do it. Ang ending, hinayaan ko na lang iyong universe na magdesisyon para sa akin. Sabi ko, kapag by Thursday ay wala pa ring dumadating na conflict sa schedule na inimpose sa akin ni Joaquin, iyon na ang sign na go na talaga kasi… pakiramdam ko malapit na akong ihagis ni Joaquin kasi lagi akong may dahilan.

Thursday came.

Fuck.

Wala na akong dahilan.

I started to prepare myself kasi… taena. Wala akong balak malumpo. Knowing Joaquin, kung magkikita kami ng Saturday night, ’di ako tatantanan non hanggang Sunday morning. With that, less than 24 hours lang ang meron ako for recovery. Hindi ako pwedeng umabsent sa Monday. Sana hindi ko makasalubong sa school si James kasi may sixth sense ata ’yon kapag may ginagawa akong kababalaghan.

Tama, tama.

I should be logical about this kasi ito lang ang paraan para hindi ako mapunta sa… less than logical explanation kung bakit nangyayari ang lahat ng ito.

‘May dadalhin ba ako?’ text ko kay Joaquin.

Friday na.

Pakshet.

I tried to focus on doing other things pero para akong gago na naghihintay sa reply ni Joaquin. Nagtext ako sa kanya ng tanghali pero gabi na e wala pa rin siyang reply.

‘You mean lube and condoms? I got it.’

‘Tagal mong magreply. What if bumili na ako? Irereimburse mo ba? Ikaw na rin nagsabi na wala akong pera.’

‘Haha are you mad that I replied late?’

‘Asa ka pa.’

‘I was finishing all my deadlines since I’ll be busy Saturday and Sunday.’

Ramdam ko iyong pag-init ng buong mukha ko… at the same time, taena kinabahan ako! I only accounted for early Sunday morning!

‘Hanggang 6AM Sunday max lang.’

‘Lol what’s next? You’ll give me a timeline and schedule?’

’Di pa ba sapat ‘yon? 8PM to 6AM. Ano ka? Sex robot?’

‘You do not expect me to fuck you without taking a break, right? At some point, we’ll take naps and eat.’

’10 hours na ‘yon.’

‘You want me to set up a countdown since you’re so excited to leave?’

‘No need. Naka-alarm na phone ko.’

‘Aww. You don’t want any after care?’

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang mabasa ko iyong text niya. Buti sa text lang ’to at hindi sa personal dahil sigurado ako na bu-bwisitin ako ni Joaquin dahil sa reaction ko. Kasalanan ko ba?! Wala sa mukha niya iyong alam ang salita na ’yon!

Nag-iisip ako ng isasagot sa kanya pero ilang minuto na ang lumipas ay wala pa rin akong nasasabi.

‘I see. I rendered you speechless. Offer of aftercare is still on the table—available Sunday, 6AM onwards.’

Taena talaga ng tao na ’to.

---

Saturday finally fucking came.

I barely ate anything—I mean, enough lang para maka-inom ako ng energy drink kasi… bakit pakiramdam ko mauubusan ako ng lakas mamaya?!

Hindi naman ako madumi, but I still scrubbed my body down. Nagdala din ako ng bag tapos nandon iyong pamalit ko na damit. Based on experience kasi, minsan gago si Joaquin at namumunit ng damit. Ayoko ngang maglakad pabalik sa condo ko na either sira ang damit o suot ko iyong damit ni Joaquin. Ayoko ng issue sa school, noh.

Saka ayoko rin magka-issue si Joaquin. Gets ko naman na ngayon bakit sikat siya sa school kasi in all fairness, matalino talaga siya at saka magaling. I’d hate to be the reason why his reputation will be tarnished. Kahit mamatay-matay na ako dahil wala akong mapagsabihan sa mga nangyayari sa akin kasi ayoko siyang ilaglag sa ibang tao.

Hindi pa rin ako naniniwala na bisexual siya—in my head, this was just him doing some experiment.

One day, his curiosity will run dry.

And I’d have to say goodbye.

Huminga ako nang malalim nang sunduin niya ako sa lobby. Nakapambahay lang siya pero ewan ko… there’s something about him being in a relaxed outfit. Siguro dahil sanay ako na naka-preppy boy outfit siya sa school. Iyon bang tipo na kapag may kasalanan ka sa kanya, ang linya niya ay ’ my father’s lawyers will call you .’

“What’s that?” he asked nang nasa elevator kami.

“Bag. Duh?”

“I know, genius,” sagot niya. “What’s inside? You brought toys?”

My jaw parted. “Seriously… paano gumagana ang utak mo?”

“What? We’re here to finally fuck. You brought a bag. Two and two.”

“Hindi pwede nagdala ako ng damit?”

“You did? Why?”

“Just in case.”

“You can just borrow mine.”

“Ayoko. ’Di tayo same ng style.”

“Wow. You call that style?” he asked, looking at my clothes na kahit iyon lang ang sinabi niya, para bang lait na lait na ang pagkatao ko.

“Epal ka talaga.”

He just gave me that fucking annoying half-smile, half-grin. Nakarating na kami sa may floor niya. Mabuti na lang at walang tao sa hallway dahil siguro nasa labas na ang mga tao para magdinner kasama ang friends nila at magnightout. Tsk. Namimiss ko medyo iyong first year self ko.

“Ano?” I asked nang huminto kami sa harap ng pinto niya. Naghihintay ako na buksan niya iyon pero parang natigilan siya.

He turned his head to look at me. “When I open this door, you won’t say shit like you aren’t ready, right?”

“Oo nga, ’di ba?”

“Good,” sabi niya. “Because honestly, I understand consent but—”

I arched a brow. “But what?”

“I’ve been looking forward to tonight,” he said. For some reason, that made me hold my breath. “Finished all my deadlines because I do not want to be disturbed.”

Biglang nanuyo iyong lalamunan ko.

May aircon naman sa hallway, pero ramdam ko iyong pag-iinit ng mukha ko.

“Buksan mo na ’yung pinto,” sabi ko habang ramdam na ramdam ko iyong lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.

He looked at me.

I looked back at him.

It was like time stood still until he opened the door.

We probably exhausted all talks that we could’ve had because the moment the door closed behind us, he pinned me against the wall. Akala ko ginagago niya lang ako nang sinabi niya na nilook forward niya ’to buong linggo pero… tangina .

He was kissing me.

His tongue touching mine every chance it got.

I didn’t know for how long we were kissing but when he finally let me breathe… did he really? Because he took off his shirt and… tangina ulit. Why did I even forget how nice his body looked? It looked so good that my fingers traced the contour on his stomach before I could even realize what I was doing… and before I knew it, I was already on my knees.

“What—”

His question got lost in the air when I took him completely. I felt the sting in my scalp as he pulled on my hair. My hands were firmly holding the sides of his waist. I looked up to him and he was looking down on me. There was this look on his face… like for a second, he was actually considerate of me… but I took him further. I watched as his lips parted when he reached the back of my throat.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit bigla siyang nagpapaka-gentleman.

I’d never known him to be that way—if any, gago ang tingin ko sa kanya.

I never expected him to be considerate of me because when I first gave him a head, he just looked at me while tears were in my eyes because I couldn’t breathe.

This change in his attitude was throwing me off a bit.

I didn’t like it.

So, I took it upon myself to do this like what this was supposed to be—a Saturday night hook-up by two horny college students kasi… iyon lang naman ’to, ’di ba? No need to further complicate things by wondering why he wasn’t fucking my mouth like I was just hole that needs to be filled?

“What—” he asked again when I stopped. I’d give it to him—taena sumakit na iyong bibig ko, hindi pa rin siya tapos.

I walked towards the bed.

Got on all fours.

Looked back at his confused face and said, “Alam mo na ’yung gagawin, ’di ba?” I asked.

He gave me a confused nod. I let my face hit the bed. I didn’t want to look at his face because I was afraid that if we do it while I can see him, the look on his face as I take him in will haunt me for a long, long time.

---

“What? You won’t avail the aftercare package ?” he asked as I was busy limping kasi… fuck. He did fold me like I was a fucking sheet of paper!

“Not interested,” I replied.

I tried to pretend like I was busy trying to collect my clothes that were haphazardly thrown all over his room. I didn’t want to look at him—I didn’t want to see the marks I left on his body.

We did talk about not leaving any marks but at one point, we just agreed that there’s no fucking point—at least for tonight. I was sure that my body reflected his—puno ng kalmot iyong katawan niya at saka kissmark sa dibdib at sa may inner thighs.

Sinuot ko iyong damit ko.

Tumingin ako sa salamin.

“Pwede pahiram ng cap? Saka may facemask ka ba d’yan?” I asked habang naka-tingin sa mukha ko sa salamin. Gulung-gulo iyong buhok ko na ’di na madadaan sa suklay. Putok na iyong labi ko. Gago din kasi ’tong si Joaquin—nangangagat!

Joaquin, ever shameless, walked around naked.

“Wala ka bang ibang cap?” I asked when he handed me a black Celine cap.

“Why? What’s wrong with this?”

“Mahal ’to, e.”

He shrugged. “I’m not asking you to buy it from me,” sabi niya.

“Fine.”

Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang siya iyong magsuot ng facemask sa akin. Mabuti na lang at hindi niya naririnig iyong kabog ng dibdib ko… I mean, hindi naman possible ’yon, ’di ba? Possible ba na marinig ng ibang tao iyong lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko? Tsk. Kailangan ko pang i-google ’to!

“You sure you don’t want me to drive you there?”

“Ha? Literal na nasa kabilang kanto lang.”

“I know, but even the walk from bed to the bathroom, you were already limping.”

“Okay lang ako,” sabi ko. “Saka maaga pa. Wala pang masyadong tao sa labas,” I continued with a tone of finality kasi gusto ko na talagang umuwi.

Naramdaman ata ni Joaquin na hindi magbabago iyong isip ko kaya naman ’di na niya pinilit pa. He wore black joggers and white shirt. Naka-suot din siya ng facemask. Hinatid niya ako sa may elevator. He just tapped on his access card pero hindi na siya pumasok sa loob. He probably thought I was not in the mood for more conversation.

“Message me when you get home,” he said.

I gave him a small nod as I eagerly waited for the elevator door to close. I didn’t even know that I was holding my breath until he finally got out of my sight.

“Fuck,” I uttered to myself… because what the fuck did I get myself into? Why did I seriously think that it was a good idea to be friends with benefits with someone I used to have a crush on?

**

This story is already at Chapter 40 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 27

I felt like I was losing my mind kakahanap ng sagot sa reddit sa kung ano ang gagawin ko sa dilemma ko ngayon. Gusto kong kausapin si Andrew pero for some reason, that made me think that I was betraying Joaquin’s trust kahit pa bigyan ko ng codename si Joaquin. Mas lalo namang ’di ko pwedeng kausapin si James tungkol dito.

Hindi ko alam kung nakaka-tawa ba o ano dahil ang daming entries na halos kapareho ng problema ko ngayon. Kulang na lang palitan ko iyong pangalan ng pangalan naming dalawa ni Joaquin. Ang joke time talaga. Hindi ako ang unang tao sa history na nagka-fwb set-up sa crush nila.

Pero ito ba iyong tinatawag sa tiktok na seconds before disaster hits?

Kasi siguro sa 10 entries na nabasa ko, isa lang doon iyong kumbaga ay success story. The rest? Mga umamin tapos na-basted.

Hindi naman ako dadating sa punto na ’yon… ’di ba?

Mas pipiliin ko pang tumalon sa umaandar na sasakyan kaysa aminin sa harapan ni Joaquin na may feelings ako sa kanya. Mamaya sabihin pa non sa akin na pinagsamantalahan ko siya—that I agreed to such a set-up while fully knowing na may feelings ako sa kanya.

Tama.

Crush ’to ngayon pero siguro kapag as in nagka-feelings ako, hindi pa rin ako aamin. Mas pipiliin ko ma-heartbroken on my own basta nasa akin pa rin ang dignidad ko kasi to be honest, ni sa imagination ko, never ko naisip na kami ni Joaquin ang endgame.

Kung sa kanya ay passing curiosity lang ako, sa akin naman, siya ay… iyon bang gusto mong ma-experience, ma-enjoy pero alam mo rin na may expiration period?

Tama ulit.

I just needed to turn off my brain and stop overthinking kasi kahit ano naman ang overthink na gawin ko, matatapos at matatapos din naman ’to kaya… mag-e-enjoy na lang ako.

‘Free ka?’

Last class ko na ngayon. True enough, natulog lang ako buong Sunday. Ni hindi ako naka-kain ng dinner kasi ayokong bumangon sa kama ko. Bumabangon lang ako kapag natunaw na ’yung yelo kasi nilalagyan ko ng ice ’yung labi ko. Nung Monday, medyo hirap maglakad pero dahil wala naman akong close, walang nagtatanong kung ano nangyari sa akin. Kung may magtanong man, sasabihin ko na napatid ako. Kung hindi sila maniniwala, problema na nila ’yon.

‘Depends. Am I free for what?’

‘Hookup duh. Mukha bang gusto ko lang makipagbonding sa yo?’

‘I have meeting. I’ll be free 10PM onwards.’

‘Ok.’

‘You being compliant makes this feel weird.’

‘Kink mo ba kapag nagrereklamo ako sa lahat ng bagay?’

‘Lol. I’ll see you later.’

After that conversation, binura ko rin iyong thread ng message namin. Better prevention than cure, noh! Ayoko nga magbackread ng message namin. Mamaya e simpleng text niya lang, dahil sa kaka-basa ko, nagkaroon bigla ng ibang meaning.

After class, dumaan muna ako sa grocery. Pag-uwi ko, nagluto muna ako, kumain ng light dinner, tapos ay naligo. Habang wala pang paramdam si Joaquin, gumawa muna ako ng assignments ko. Nagresearch na rin ako sa kung saan ako pwedeng mag-internship. Pwede ko naman siguro tanungin si Joaquin sa tips. Patapos na rin kasi iyong first semester. Tapos second sem na ng second year ko. Malapit na akong mag-internship. Tapos ga-graduate na ako. Pakshet. Ang bilis ng panahon!

Wala naman akong urgent deadlines so napadpad ako sa research tungkol sa internship ko. Tumingin ako ng mga possibleng companies na pwede kong pag-applyan. Pwede pa rin kaya iyong sa pinakilala sa akin ni Joaquin dati? I mean, it’s been months pero… standing offer ba ’yon?

‘On my way home.’

‘Ok. Text mo ko pag nasa condo ka na.’

‘I’ll pick you up.’

‘Lapit lang e.’

’Di na ako nireplyan ni gago. Ibig sabihin niyan, magtetext siya kapag nasa labas na siya. Minsan naiisip ko na ang galing lang din… a few months ago, gusto ko siyang itulak sa building. Ngayon, kaya ko na i-decipher iyong messages niya. Tapos a few months from now siguro, we’re gonna be strangers who know each other’s secrets.

Nang magtext siya, bumaba na ako. Nakita ko agad iyong sasakyan niya kaya dumiretso ako don.

“Did you have dinner already?” he asked.

“Duh. Past 10PM na kaya,” sagot ko. “Ikaw?” Umiling siya. Kumunot ang noo ko. “Akala ko galing ka sa meeting? Wala bang pagkain don?”

He began to explain to me the details of his meeting na tungkol pala sa major event ng org for the end of the sem. I quietly listened to him explain. He was casual about his explanation, but I know that he’s excited about this. The thing about Joaquin, everything about him is… restrained. Kaya kapag naging obvious siya, ibig sabihin ’di niya lang talaga mapigilan.

“May tanong pala ako,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Yeah?”

“May suggestion ka ba kung saan maganda mag internship?” I asked. “Also third year ka, ’di ba? Wala ka bang internship ngayon?”

“I’ll do it this summer.”

“Pwede ’yon?”

He nodded. “As long as you complete the required hours.”

“Saan ka?”

He told me about his internship. It’s with some big international corporation. Every time I’d think na bilib na ako sa kanya, mas bumibilib pa ako. Sikat na corporation ’yon. Pero ba’t ba ako nagulat pa? Si Joaquin kaya ’to.

“Ah… so, nasa abroad ka ng summer?”

“Yeah. Why? You’ll miss me?”

“Asa ka pa. Baka kamo magkakaron na ako ng katahimikan.”

“You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”

“Feeler,” sabi ko. “Pano ’yan? On pause ba muna ’yung agreement natin pag nasa ibang bansa ka?”

Hindi agad siya sumagot. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. Bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo niya. Bigla akong kinabahan for some reason.

“I mean… nasa ibang bansa ka. Malay mo gusto mong tumikim ng foreign cuisine?” I said as casually as I could. Also, because I thought I needed reminding. Na hindi naman sa akin si Joaquin. Malay ko ba kung may makilala siya habang nasa internship niya siya? Mabuti na ang handa. Hindi naman porke sinabi ko na mag-e-enjoy ako e magiging bobo na rin ako.

“Do you want to see other people while I’m away?”

I shrugged.

Did I want to? I honestly didn’t think so.

Did I need to? Honestly… yes.

I needed to be reminded na may iba pang lalaki bukod sa kanya.

Kumbaga, kailangang i-recalibrate ng utak ko.

“Pero tagal pa naman,” sabi ko kasi baka sagasaan niya ako dito sa parking. “Penge na lang list ng recommendation mo kung saan maganda mag-internship.”

---

We got in his condo.

We got down to business.

It was… easier than the last. Siguro kasi alam na namin kung ano ang ieexpect? Alam na namin kung paano iyong gusto ng bawat isa? Ang bilis pero ang tagal naman kasi nung first time namin. Tipong minap out niya ata lahat ng erogenous zone ng katawan ko.

“Thanks,” I said with a small salute nung makapagbihis na ako. Nakarating kami dito sa condo niya ng around 10:23… I think. ’Di ko na alam kasi pagpasok na pagpasok namin sa condo niya ay sinunggaban agad ako ni gago. Natapos kami 12:39AM. Alam ko kasi tinignan ko agad iyong oras sa cellphone ko tapos ay pinulot ko na naman iyong mga damit ko na nagkalat sa sahig.

“Send mo sa ’kin list nung sa internship, ha?” sabi ko bago pa ako makaalis. “Saka pala, wow, congrats sa internship mo.”

“Why do you sound so excited to send me away?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “San nanggaling ’yan?” sabi ko tapos tumawa. “Ikaw na kaya nagsabi na friends with benefits tayo. So, meaning, friends pa rin tayo, right? Bawal ba maging proud sa friend? Ang big time kaya nung sa internship mo.”

He just stared at me while he was still in bed, his hair ruffled from the way my fingers tugged and pulled.

“Right,” he said after a while. “I’ll help you with your internship.”

“Thanks! Sabi mo ’yan, ha!”

He gave a small nod. “This weekend.”

“Hmm. Tignan ko.”

“Why? You have plans already?”

“Di ko pa sure. Baka biglang magka-plan.”

“Isn’t it common courtesy that since I asked first, I should have priority?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Di pa naman urgent ’yung sa internship ko. Saka baka magka-lakad ako with friends. ’Di mo ba alam na dapat mine-maintain din ang friendship?”

“Your lack of sense of urgency will result to you not getting a good place for internship.”

“Tss. Nananakot pa ’to.”

“Did you think my internship just fell from the trees?”

“Oo na, ikaw na magaling.”

“Saturday.”

“Tignan ko nga. If hindi, baka Sunday. If hindi pa rin, send mo na lang sa akin list. Marunong naman ako magresearch ng companies.”

Pakiramdam ko e nasa mood na si Joaquin makipagtalo. Kaysa umagin na talaga ako dito ay nagsalute ulit ako sa kanya bago lumabas… tapos bumalik ako. Isang katok pa lang at bumukas na iyong pinto. He was looking at me with that annoying look on his face.

“Alam mo, at this point, bigyan mo na ako ng access card,” reklamo ko habang hinahatid niya ako sa elevator.

“Wow,” he replied.

“Di ka ba napapagod na ihatid ako?”

“Literally just a few steps.”

Niloloko ko lang naman siya. Ayoko nga ng access card dito! Parang OA na ’yon para sa fwb, noh.

I got in the elevator.

“Congrats ulit,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Ang galing. May pinanggagalingan naman pala iyong kayabangan mo.”

“Message me when you get home.”

I nodded. “Yup. Good night.”

---

The next few days, naging busy na talaga kasi papalapit na iyong finals… tapos sumabay pa iyong final event ng org. Minsan gusto ko na lang magquit kasi ang hassle din, but then again, I remembered Joaquin. Network din kasi, e. Not that network lang ang dahilan kung bakit nakakuha ng magandang internship si Joaquin—magaling din talaga siya. As in matalino, very organized, and efficient.

“Did you hear?”

Automatic na napunta doon iyong atensyon ko dahil dakilang chismoso ako.

“Joaquin got the GIC internship.”

“Wow, really? I thought they won’t get any from our school because of the issue a few years back?”

“I know, right? But I guess he got it because… well, you know.”

“Must be nice to be rich and connected.”

“Right.”

Medyo nagpantig iyong tenga ko sa usapan nila. Grabe naman sila. Akala mo hindi nila kilala si Joaquin at hindi nila alam na kahit gago ’yon, wala kang masasabi sa work ethics nung tao!

I tried to keep to myself but then they continued to talk shit about Joaquin.

“Alam niyo magaling talaga si Joaquin,” sabi ko nung ’di ko na napigilan na sumabat sa kanila dahil napaka-hater nila. Akala ko hater na ako, pero mas hater pala sila. Kasi nung nalaman ko ’yung sa internship, oo may part sa akin na nainggit kasi alam mo ’yon? Wow. ’Di lahat magkaka-chance sa ganon. But then again, I was quickly reminded na magaling talaga si Joaquin. At kung may deserve man ng internship na ’yon, siya ’yon.

“Mayabang, oo, pero magaling talaga,” sabi ko pa. “Saka kung maka-comment kayo. Akala mo ’di kayo ’yung umuubos ng alak sa bahay ni Joaquin. Mga baliw,” I continued bago ako umalis. Tina-try ko pa naman maki-conyo minsan sa mga ka-org ko, pero iyong inis ko sa kanila kanina e napa-straight Tagalog talaga ako.

Diretso lang ako naglakad at magsskip na sana ako ng meeting dahil medyo awkward na, pero napa-hinto ako sa paglalakad nang makita ko si Joaquin na naka-tingin sa akin. There was this… unreadable expression on his face.

Did he hear them talking shit about him? I hope not. Kasi alam ko ’yung pakiramdam na minamaliit ka. I won’t wish that even for him kahit madalas nakaka-bwisit siya.

So, I faked a smile and pretended like nothing happened and told him na late na kami sa meeting. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 41 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 28

Something weird was happening.

Siguro naka-tatlong beses na akong tanungin si Joaquin kung ano ang trip niya sa buhay, but every time I would ask him, he’d just shrug and pretend na nasa imagination ko lang ang lahat!

First of all, almost one week na kaming sabay nag-aaral. Nagmessage siya sa akin ng Monday na dumiretso ako sa kanya after class ko. Pumunta ako don na dala-dala pa iyong mga gamit ko. Akala ko quickie lang tapos uuwi na rin ako, pero walang ganon na nangyari. Nag-aral lang talaga kami ng sabay. Pinakain niya rin ako ng dinner. I mean, sure, we did kiss, pero… ewan. Something felt different.

Come Friday, I made it my mission that we sleep together kasi taena niya, nagulo iyong sistema ko na bakit walang kababalaghan na nangyayari at nag-aaral lang kami? Na bakit parang naging study buddies kami bigla?

“You’re leaving?” he asked while I was sitting on the edge of the bed tapos binubutones ko iyong polo ko.

Tumango ako habang naka-talikod sa kanya. Nasa kama pa rin siya. Medyo na-tempt ako na tignan siya kasi… ang hot niya talaga kapag gulu-gulo pa iyong buhok niya tapos may kaunting butil ng pawis sa may noo niya.

“May pupuntahan ako bukas.”

“Where?”

“Tagaytay.”

“With who?”

“Friends.”

“You have friends?” I looked at him and gave him a glare. He chuckled. “So, with the two guys I also see you with?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Kilala mo sila?”

“Not personally, but I know that they’re your friends,” he replied. “So, you’re gonna be with them?”

Tumango ako. “Yup.”

“Just for tomorrow?”

I shrugged. “Ewan ko pa. Baka biglang overnight. Depende sa trip nila,” sabi ko. “Bakit? Mamimiss mo ako?”

“Maybe.”

Bahagya akong natigilan sa sagot niya. I had to quickly told myself to get it together. Akala ko kasi ang isasagot niya ay iyong usual na ‘you wish’ gaya ng sinasabi niya lagi sa akin dati kapag tinutukso ko siya.

Meron talagang nagbago sa kanya!

I forced an awkward laugh. “Ew,” sabi ko na lang. “Nagsasawa na ako sa mukha mo. One week na kitang nakikita,” I continued.

Tumayo na ako at saka kinuha iyong gamit ko.

“Bye,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Wait,” he said as he stood up. Napa-hinto ako sa paghakbang ko. Tumingin ako sa kanya. He tried to walk around naked, but stopped on his tracks. He picked up his boxers at sinuot iyon. Sinabi ko sa kanya kasi dati na oo, nakaka-proud naman talaga ’yang katawan niya na pinaghirapan niya sa gym, pero taena naman… naglalakad siya palagi ng naka-hubad sa harapan ko! Mahiya naman siya nang kaunti kasi ’di ko na alam kung saan ako titingin kapag ganon siya.

May kinuha si Joaquin mula sa drawer. It looked like a card. Lumapit siya sa akin.

“Ano ’yan? Extension ng credit card mo?” I teased.

“Are you finally admitting that you’re broke?” he asked.

“Taena mo talaga.”

He just laughed. “Here,” he said as he handed me the card.

For a second, nagloading iyong utak ko kung ano iyong inabot niya sa akin… until I realized that it was an access card to his condo. Agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya—I was sure that my face was showing confusion kasi… bakit niya ako binibigyan ng ganito?

“Para san ’to?” I asked. I needed to hear his reason kung bakit niya ako binigyan nito bago pa kung saan mapunta iyong iniisip ko.

“You asked for it.”

“I was kidding.”

He shrugged. “Well, it’s here now,” sabi niya tapos ay shinoot iyong card doon sa may bulsa ng polo ko. “So I don’t have to fetch you in the lobby.”

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. I mean… that made sense. Feel ko nagtataka na rin iyong mga tao sa lobby kung bakit nandito ako araw-araw. In my defense, nagtataka din naman ako kung bakit nandito ako!

“Okay…” sabi ko na lang kasi parang wala namang rebut doon sa sinabi niya. It made sense naman kasi talaga. Hindi na ako nagcomment pa at saka lumabas na ako. Sinundan ako ni Joaquin. Huminto ako at saka humarap sa kanya. “Di mo na ako kailangang ihatid,” I reminded him.

“Right…” he said as he stopped on his tracks.

Dumiretso na ako palabas. Parang okay din pala ’to at least ’di niya na ako hinahatid sa elevator. Parang gago kasi minsan. Akala mo nasa kdrama kami na magka-harap kami habang hinihintay namin na magsara iyong elevator door. At least dito kung maka-tulog man siya after namin, ’di ko na siya kailangang gisingin. Pwede na akong lumayas anytime.

Tsk. Bakit kasi ang awkward?! E ’di kung hindi, pwede ko na siya tuksuhin na next time, isasama niya na rin fingerprint ko doon sa may lock niya.

---

Akala ko e good thing na nasa Tagaytay kami ni Andrew at James para malimutan ko sandali si Joaquin kasi parang nasobrahan na ako sa presence niya this week. Kaya pala kami nasa Tagaytay ay nakipagbreak iyong ex situationship ni James sa girlfriend niya tapos itong marupok na kaibigan ko ay bumalik naman.

Tapos… nagkabalikan na naman iyong ex-situationship at girlfriend.

I felt bad kay James pero kasi naman…

Tsk.

Ayoko magjudge kasi alam ko na soon, ako na ang nasa posisyon niya. Pero grabe naman! Kailangan ko na bang gumawa ng video recording na papanoorin ko kapag ako naman iyong tinakasan ng bait? What if si Joaquin ang magka-girlfriend?

Tsk! Nasa Tagaytay na at lahat, Joaquin pa rin. Malala na talaga ako.

“Sino ba ’yan?” biglang tanong ni James.

“Scam.” Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. “Bakit? Marami ng scammer ngayon,” I continued. Kanina pa kasi vibrate nang vibrate iyong cellphone ko. Isa ’to sa behavioral change ni Joaquin—text na siya nang text. Kung isang araw ay magsesend na rin siya ng meme sa akin, gusto kong sabihin na magugulat ako, but then again, hindi na siguro. Napaka-weird niya talaga lately!

“Si Joaquin ba ’yan?”

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata.

“Wala naman tayo sa school,” James said.

“Kahit na.”

“Fine…” he replied. “Si Mr. Wrong ba ’yan?”

“Hindi, ah,” mabilis na sabi ko. “Iba ’to.”

He arched his brow. “Weh?”

“Oo nga,” sabi ko tapos tumingin ako kay Andrew bilang backup. “Di ba?”

He nodded. Buti na lang.

“So, sino ’to?” James asked. I shrugged. “Napaka-secretive naman nito! Nasabi ko na sa ’yo buong talambuhay ko.”

“E baka ma-jinx.”

“Jinx mo mukha mo. Pag meant to be, meant to be.”

“Ah, gaya nung ex situationship mo at girlfriend niya na laging nagbabalikan?”

“Tangina mo.”

Tinawanan ko siya. Alam niya naman na kung makikita ko ’yang ex situationship niya, papatirin ko talaga para madapa.

“Ano lang ’to… friend,” sabi ko.

“Friend na text nang text?”

“Naka-unli text ata.”

“Taena mo talaga.”

Tinawanan ko lang siya. Napunta kay Andrew iyong usapan. Kulang na lang ay itaktak namin si Andrew, pero wala talaga siyang sinasabi sa amin. Tsk. Either wala talaga siyang love life o baka pina-pirma siya ng confidentiality agreement kasi wala talaga kaming mapiga!

“Pero kung totoo ngang ibang lalaki ’yan at hindi si Joaquin, good for you.”

“Bakit sa ’kin na naman napunta?”

James shrugged. “Wala lang… Kasi baka iunfriend na tayo ni Andrew kapag dalawa tayong umiiyak sa straight na lalaki.”

“Iyak mo mukha mo. Pera lang iiyakan ko.”

“Sus. Sinasabi mo lang ’yan.”

“Talaga.”

“Wag ka sanang karmahin.”

Tinawanan ko lang siya pero alam ko naman talaga na kakainin ko lahat ng sinabi ko.

“Basta… ’wag kang aamin,” sabi ni James.

“Wala namang aaminin.”

“Mas lalo kung may aaminin,” he said. “Been there, done that, regret it so much.”

“Talaga? ’Di ba mas okay na sinabi mo? Para at least… alam mo ’yon? Alam mo ’yung sagot?”

Hypothetical question lang kasi wala naman akong balak umamin kay Joaquin. Siguro ang chance lang na malaman niya e kung isusulat ko sa diary ko at pakielamanan niya iyong gamit ko at basahin iyon ng walang paalam.

“In theory siguro, oo, pero… mas masakit na alam mo na ayaw sa ’yo? Kasi if hindi mo alam, at least pwede mo pang igaslight iyong sarili mo na may chance naman na mutual. Kaysa naman diniretso ka na walang chance.”

I just slowly nodded.

We stayed and drank beer and watched as the sun rose.

I took a photo of the sunrise tapos pinost ko sa story ko.

‘You still in there?’

‘Pauwi na.’

Ang aga naman magising nito. Pasado alas sais pa lang. Pinalaklak muna namin ng kape si Andrew bago kami bumalik sa Manila. Sabi niya, ’di naman siya lasing dahil ni hindi niya naubos iyong beer saka paano siya malalasing kung nag-iiyakan lang kami ni James sa harapan niya. Kapal talaga ng mukha! May pagka-hater din talaga ’yon.

‘Okay. Have them drop you off in my condo.’

‘Lol magtataka sila bat jan ako bababa.’

‘There are hundreds of people who live here.’

‘Pag-iisipan ko.’

‘I’ll see you in a while.’

Tignan mo ’tong tao na ’to… Pag sinabi, gusto gagawin agad.

“Thanks,” sabi ko nung ibaba ako ni Andrew sa may harap ng condo ko.

Naglakad ako papunta sa condo ni Joaquin. ’Di na ako pinansin nung guards kasi nga taena dito na ata ako naka-tira. Imbakan na lang ata ng gamit ko ’yung condo ko.

I was about to knock on the door nang bumukas agad iyon na para bang inaabangan niya iyong pagdating ko. He held me by my wrist and dragged me with him.

“Galing pa akong Tagaytay,” I said nang isama niya ako sa paghiga niya. We were laying side by side habang nasa likuran ko siya.

Fuck.

Tangina.

Naririnig niya ba iyong lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko?!

“Hoy, madumi pa ’yung damit ko,” sabi ko pa kasi alam ko ayaw nito na nahihiga sa kama niya na madumi iyong damit.

“It’s fine,” he said as he nuzzled his face against my nape. His arms were wrapped around my body, pulling me closer. “I’ll have the sheets changed later.”

“Pero—”

“Let’s sleep first,” he said, his voice a bit raspy.

“Okay pero naka-pantalon pa ako.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang maupo siya at saka siya iyong nagtanggal ng shirt ko. He even unbuttoned my pants.

“Hoy—” but my complaints were heard by deaf ears… saka parang gago rin naman dahil nagta-try ako magreklamo tapos tinulungan ko rin naman siyang hubarin iyong pantalon ko.

“Comfortable now?” he asked. Medyo gulo pa iyong buhok niya. Kaka-gising niya lang ata talaga nang buksan niya iyong pinto kanina. Pero paano niya nalaman na nasa labas na ako? I had so many questions!

“Yeah…” sabi ko na lang.

“Great,” he said as he pulled me down again. He hugged me from behind. “Let’s talk later. I need to sleep some more.”

Putangina.

Kasama pa ba ’to sa benefits ng friends with benefits? 

**

This story is already at Chapter 42 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 29

Agad na inabot ng kamay ko iyong cellphone ko sa may bedside drawer para tignan sana kung anong oras na… nang maalala ko na wala nga pala ako sa kwarto ko. Agad na binuksan ko iyong mga mata ko. Wala na si Joaquin sa tabi ko. I sat down and quickly felt the piercing sensation in my skull. Sign of aging na ba ’to?! Ilang beer lang ininom ko tapos may hangover na agad ako? Saka ni hindi man lang ako pina-graduate ng college bago ako maging senior citizen?

Lumabas ako ng kwarto para uminom ng tubig. Paglabas na paglabas ko pa lang, nakita ko na agad si Joaquin. Nandon siya sa may couch sa sala. May iPad at apple pen siya na hawak. Naka-suot din siya ng reading glass. Sayang at nakita niya ako agad kasi gusto ko pa naman siyang titigan. Ang seryoso niya tignan, e.

“You’re finally awake,” he said using a sarcastic voice.

“Tss.” ’Yan lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko dahil wala pa ako sa mood makipagtalo.

Binuksan ko iyong ref para kumuha ng tubig.

“You can reheat the food. You know how to use microwave, right?”

Napa-hinga ako nang malalim. Kung hindi hangover ang papatay sa akin, si Joaquin ang tatapos sa akin.

“I got us lunch thinking you’d be awake around lunchtime,” sabi niya.

“Anong oras na ba?”

“5PM.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “What?!”

“You’ve been asleep basically the entire day.”

“Shit,” sabi ko tapos napa-hinto ako at napa-isip kung may dapat ba akong ipasa bukas? At kung meron man, kakayanin ko ba na tapusin agad? Knowing na 5PM na?! Kinuha ko iyong cellphone ko mula sa bag. May message doon galing sa block. May assignment na bukas na agad iyong due. “Fuck…”

“Why?” he asked.

“May deadline ako bukas.”

“You haven’t started anything yet?”

Umiling ako. “Kaka-bigay lang ngayon,” sabi ko kahit actually, kaninang umaga pa binigay. Pero kahit na, noh! ’Di ba naisip ng prof namin na may social life din naman kami? ’Di naman sa acads umiikot ang buhay ko.

“San na damit ko?” I asked kasi ’di ko makita iyong damit ko.

“Laundry.”

“Ha?”

“It’ll get delivered tomorrow morning.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko. “Ano’ng isusuot ko pauwi?!”

“You can borrow my clothes,” he said.

“Tsk. Oo na, oo na. Pahiram nung plain na t-shirt lang. Baka bigyan mo ako ng Celine t-shirt naman,” sabi ko sa kanya. Sinoli ko kaya agad ’yung cap niya. Nase-stress ako na may worth thirty-five thousand ako na cap na hawak!

“You’re going home?”

“Oo. May gagawin pa akong assignment.”

“Are you in the right mindset to do your assignment?”

“Does it matter? Kung bukas na ang deadline?”

“Actually, yes, unless you want to submit a lousy output.”

“Tsk. Wala akong choice.” Nilahad niya bigla iyong kamay niya. “Ano?” tanong ko.

“Let me see your assignment.”

Mahirap talaga makipag-usap kay Joaquin kapag ganito na masakit ang ulo ko—nawawala iyong first layer of defense ko aka ang pagiging pilosopo. Agad na binigay ko na lang sa kanya iyong cellphone ko at saka binasa niya iyong details nung assignment ko.

“I’ll help you,” bigla niyang sabi.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Saan?”

“Your assignment,” he said. “I’ll do it—just for today.”

“Ha? Bakit?”

He shrugged. “Charity.”

“Mukha mo.”

“It’s easy. I can do it in less than an hour.”

“Weh?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Take a shower first.”

Hindi ako nagsalita o gumalaw—naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya kasi napaka-suspicious niya.

“What?” he asked when a full minute passed at wala pa rin akong sinasabi.

“May kapalit ba ’to?” I asked the obvious question.

“None,” he replied. “You obviously aren’t at the right disposition to be doing any schoolworks.”

“Nakakapagduda.”

“Whatever. Just go shower,” he said. “Use whatever clothes you want.”

Suspicious pa rin si Joaquin, pero beggars can’t be choosers, sabi nga nila. Saka sure ako na kapag siya ang gumawa ng output ko, perfect na agad ako. Hindi ako dapat makonsensya dahil minsan lang naman ’to! Not as if pinapagawa ko sa kanya lahat ng homework ko—asa pa ako. Sabihan pa ako ni Joaquin na user.

I hopped in the shower and began to enjoy the hot water. Ang ginhawa sa pakiramdam. Dati nahihiya pa ako gamitin iyong mga toiletries niya, pero after kong makailang shower dito, wala na akong pakielam. I used his overpriced body wash. I mean… ang ganda talaga pero ang mahal pa rin! Na-curious kasi ako sa presyo ng ilan sa mga gamit niya kaya hinanap ko sa Google. Napa-sabi na lang talaga ako na it must be nice to have a lot of disposable money.

Paglabas ko ng bathroom, natigilan ako dahil naabutan ko si Joaquin na nagkakabit ng bagong beddings. Narinig niya ata iyong paglabas ko dahil napa-tingin siya sa akin.

“I’d seen it all,” parang gago na sabi niya dahil napa-yakap ako sa katawan ko nang mapansin ko na tinignan niya iyong naked upper body ko. Bakit ba! ’Di naman ako exhibitionist kagaya niya na mahilig maglakad na naka-hubad.

“Alam mo—” sabi ko tapos napa-hinto. “Ewan ko sa ’yo. Pero marunong ka pala niyan? Akala ko may yaya ka na pumupunta dito para palitan bedsheet mo.”

“I have someone who does that for me,” sagot niya. “But since a certain someone decided to lay on my bed with his dirty clothes…”

“Hoy, ikaw namilit sa akin! Magkaliwanagan lang tayo.”

He just shrugged as he continued to put new pillow cases. I watched him for a few more seconds before I realized na ang creepy ko dahil bakit ba nag-e-enjoy ako na panoorin siya na nagpapalit ng bedsheet? I had to snap out of it.

Pumunta ako sa walk-in closet niya. I tried not to ogle at all his stuff. Dumiretso ako sa lalagyan ng pambahay niya. I got a pajama bottoms and plain white shirt. Ewan ko… malakas ang pakiramdam ko na dito na naman ako matutulog. I mean, kung hindi, e ’di hindi. Lapit-lapit lang ng condo ko, e.

After ko magbihis, lumabas na ako mula sa walk-in closet niya. In fairness, marunong naman pala siya magkabit ng bedsheet. ’Di naman pala siya iyong tipo ng rich kid na totally helpless at walang life skills.

Akala ko ay makikita ko si Joaquin sa may sala paglabas ko. Instead, nasa kusina siya.

“San na ’yung assignment ko?” pabiro pero curious din ako kung talaga bang napaka-galing niyang tao at natapos niya na iyong assignment ko.

“Almost done,” he replied. “I’ll send you the draft after I proofread.”

Wow.

Pati proofread siya na ang gagawa?!

Kung anuman ang nakain ng tao na ’to, sana ay kainin niya palagi para maisipan niya na gawin lagi ang school works ko.

Dahil mukhang busy siya sa pagluluto at wala ako sa mood kulitin siya, naupo lang ako sa stool sa may kitchen island at saka nagscroll sa stories sa Instagram. Parang nasa party lahat ng fina-follow ko. On one hand, medyo nakaka-miss, but on another… parang mas masaya ’yung ganito. Pero dumaan din naman ako sa party-phase, so gets ko sila. Pero tapos na ata kasi talaga ako sa ganon. Kung sinuman ang magiging boyfriend ko sa future, dapat ganito rin na mahilig tumambay lang sa condo, pero lalabas din kami minsan, of course. Wala naman akong balak kaming recluse.

“You really didn’t offer to help or anything,” sabi niya nang matapos siya sa pagluluto.

“Kung gusto mo ng tulong, sana sinabi mo. Ikaw kaya may motto ng ’ if I want it, I have to take it.’ ’Di ba? Kaya isabuhay mo sana.”

Naka-tingin siya sa akin na parang iniisip niya kung sasakalin niya ba ako o mabibilib siya sa bilis kong maka-hanap ng isusumbat sa kanya.

Slowly he shook his head as if he was giving up. “Fine…” he said. “Set the table.”

I jumped from my seat. “Ayan. Ganyan dapat.”

Naglagay ako ng dalawang plato at dalawang set ng utensils. Medyo excited na akong kumain dahil ribeye steak iyong niluluto ni Joaquin. Meron ding salad for balanced diet—or iyong agenda niya na pakainin ako ng healthy.

I groaned nang maglabas siya ng wine.

“This is not for you,” he said nang maglagay siya ng isang wine glass at isang normal na baso. “You already got drunk yesterday, you alcoholic.”

“Excuse me?!”

“What? How many beers did you have?”

“Apat lang.”

“Don’t be surprised if one day, your stomach begins to portrude.”

Nanlaki iyon mga mata ko at napa-tingin ako sa tiyan ko. Wala pa naman akong beer belly! Pero grabe naman ’to manakot! ’Di na nga ako iinom ng beer!

“Bwisit ka talaga,” sabi ko dahil halata na nag-enjoy siya na makita akong magpanic.

Joaquin poured himself a glass of wine. I didn’t know if it’s just me but sometimes, Joaquin looks older than his actual age. Dahil ba marami siyang responsibilities kaysa sa ibang ka-age niya? Or… ay, ewan. Basta. He’s fascinating at times.

We had dinner.

He asked me about Tagaytay. Sinabi ko iyong mga pwede kong sabihin sa kanya. Pansin niya siguro na ’di ko sinasabi lahat, pero ’di naman siya nag-usisa pa tungkol doon.

“Did you have fun?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yup. Always a good time when I’m with friends,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Ikaw ba? May as in close friends ka ba?”

I mean, alam ko na marami siyang ‘friends’ mula sa org o sa school, pero knowing Joaquin, superficial friendship lang ’yon. Curious ako kung may friends ba siya na as in kilala siya at kilala niya.

“Yeah, of course,” sabi niya.

“Weh? ’Di counted imaginary friends, ha?”

He looked at me like he, once again, wanted to wring my neck. “I have friends.”

“Name?”

“Names.”

“Wow, plural,” sabi ko. He pressed his lips together. “Sorry na. Sino nga?”

He began telling me about his friends. He had two from elementary; two from high school.

“May quota ka ba?” tanong ko. “Two from college lang ’din? Pasok ba ako sa cut?”

“Yes,” he candidly replied.

I was taken aback.

For a few seconds, I was.

“You’re my friend,” he said as he was looking at me straight into my eyes. “Once this set-up is done, let’s still be friends, okay?”

I knew he meant well… and it was actually a nice sentiment… but for reasons known to me, I felt like something was stuck in my throat. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 43 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 30

For once, I was actually thankful sa dami ng school related requirements as well pati na rin sa constant reminder ng mga prof namin na malapit na iyong finals exam. Also, I was reminded na 1/3 nga rin pala ng grades ko iyong mga submissions ko ngayong finals period kaya doon natuon iyong atensyon ko.

In relation to that, wala na akong energy na makipagtalo kay Joaquin. Honestly? He confused the shit out of me. Ang… gulo niya.

I really, really try to be objective about the things he was doing, pero—tsk. Ewan. Baka ganon lang talaga siya sa ‘friends’ niya? Na malay ko ba kung ganon nga kasi wala pa naman akong nakikilala na kaibigan niya. Puro acquaintance lang naman siya sa school bukod sa, apparently, akin.

Whatever.

At least kahit ginugulo niya ako, admittedly, tinutulungan din naman niya ako sa mga acads requirements ko so… win-win na rin siguro.

“May sinend ako sa email mo,” I told him.

Nasa condo niya na naman ako. Most times, literal na nag-aaral lang kami. Umuuwi ako before 11PM. Inaabot lang ako ng madaling-araw kapag minsan may ginagawa kaming kalalabaghan mga thrice a week siguro. I really, really tried na ’wag magsleepover hanggang maaari.

“Alright,” he replied with his eyes still focused on the screen.

“Next week pa naman deadline,” I told him. Alam ko naman na marami din siyang ginagawa para sa sarili niyang school requirements tapos idagdag mo pa na marami siyang responsibility para sa final event namin ng org. Hindi ko sigurado kung may ganap din ba siya para sa internship niya, but I decided not to ask about that. Naalala ko kasi na na-badtrip ata siya sa akin nung sinabi ko na maghanap siya ng kalandian niya habang nasa ibang bansa siya. I mean… dapat nga matuwa siya. Napaka-understanding kong fwb.

“When exactly?”

“Tuesday.”

“I’ll send on Saturday.”

“Kahit Monday na.”

“What if something needs to be revised?”

“Ikaw na rin magrevise?” pa-cute na sabi ko. Tumingin siya sa akin na naka-kunot ang noo. “Tsk. Joke lang naman. Syempre ako na magrerevise. Ang kapal lang ng mukha ko kung ipapagawa ko pa sa ’yo, ’di ba?”

“That’s right.”

“Tss. Alam mo, minsan okay na tumango ka na lang,” sabi ko sa kanya tapos ay tumayo na ako at nag-inat-inat. Ilang oras din ako na naka-upo lang.

“You’re leaving?” he asked nang ibalik ko na ’yung gamit ko sa bag ko.

“Yup. 10PM na.”

“Just sleep here.”

“Ayoko. Babalik pa ako nang maaga bukas sa condo para maligo. Katamad.”

“Shower here. Just use my clothes.”

“Baliw. E ’di mas lalo tayong na-issue dalawa.”

Sobrang logically impossible na walang makakakita sa aming dalawa magkasama e lagi akong nandito sa condo niya. Tapos minsan sinasabayan niya ako maglakad sa school. I mean, siguro sa mga sobrang hindi chismoso na tao, wala lang ’yon… pero maraming chismoso sa paligid namin. Alam ko na napapa-isip na sila kung ano ang meron sa amin ni Joaquin at ba’t biglang ‘close’ na kami.

“So, what?” he replied.

Bahagyang napa-kunot ang noo ko dahil sa tono ng reply niya. He said it like it was nothing… and that he genuinely meant it.

E ’di ba nagsimula nga lahat ng ’to dahil sunud ako nang sunod sa kanya dati at na-bwisit siya sa akin? Hanggang sa… ewan. Naisip niya na pagtripan na lang ako at kaibiganin hanggang sa… naging friends na talaga kami? Or at the very least, naging friend na talaga ang tingin niya sa akin.

“Baliw.”

Iyon lang ang nasabi ko kasi wala naman akong ibang maisip na pwede kong sabihin.

“Just stay the night,” he said.

“Ayoko nga.”

“Why? You’re basically always here anyway.”

“Kasi hina-harass mo ako kapag wala ako dito.”

“It’s quiet when you’re not here.”

I felt my cheeks heating up.

Ganito ba ang friends?!

“So, maingay ako, ganon?” I replied, trying to dodge whatever he was trying to imply. He shrugged. “Ah. E maingay pala ako. E ’di uuwi na ako para makapagconcentrate ka.”

Medyo yumuko ako para makuha ko iyong bag ko pero agad na napa-upo ako nang hatakin ako ni Joaquin. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko sa gulat.

“Ano ba—”

“Just stay over,” he said.

Tangina.

Ganito ba siya sa ‘friend’ niya?!

Hindi ako makagalaw dahil sa gulat at dahil na rin sa lapit niya sa akin. Hindi naman ’to iyong unang beses na naging malapit ako sa kanya, pero every time, nagugulat pa rin ako dahil wala talagang imperfection iyong pagmumukha niya. I still found it unfair na wala siyang pores. Kailangan ko talagang yumaman para ipa-obliterate sa derma iyong pores ko.

“Kulit naman nito,” I managed to reply kahit na rinig ko iyong tibok ng dibdib ko na sobrang lakas dahil sobrang lapit namin ngayon sa isa’t isa.

“I can be,” he replied. “So stop resisting.”

I looked at him.

He was staring, too, not backing down at all.

“Fine,” I said and that fucking annoying grin on his face made me want to punch him. Epal talaga ng hayop na ’to.

---

Dahil busy pa si Joaquin sa ginagawa niya habang ako naman ay sinukuan na ng utak ko, lumipat na siya sa study area niya habang nasa kwarto niya na ako. Naka-higa lang ako doon at pa-scroll-scroll sa social media hanggang sa naka-tulog na ako.

Medyo naalimpungatan ako nang maramdaman ko iyong paglundo ng kama sa side ni Joaquin. I said nothing because I was still trying to fall completely asleep, fully knowing that I had a full day of school in just a few hours.

But then I froze when I felt his hand gently caress my face.

Ano’ng ginagawa nito?!

Kung kanina ay naglalaban pa iyong diwa at antok ko, ngayon ay gising na gising na ako. I was just completely frozen—hinihintay ang susunod na gagawin niya.

Again, ganito ba ang friends?! I was afraid to ask kung ano ba ang pinaggagawa niya ng iba pang mga friends niya!

I was counting the seconds in my head. Kasi ano ba ang gagawin ni Joaquin? I couldn’t even open my eyes to check kung ano ang itsura niya. I was just there… pretending to fall asleep while very conscious of the fact that he was staring at me.

But he said nothing.

Did nothing.

I just heard him sighing.

Tangina.

---

Hindi ako nakatulog buong magdamag hayop siya.

Pumasok ako sa school na sobrang sakit ng ulo ko dahil wala akong tulog. Naka-tingin sa akin sina James at Andrew na nagtataka dahil naka-dalawang kape na ako at may naka-abang na agad na pangatlo.

“Okay ka lang?”

“Yup,” I replied. “Actually, hindi.”

Agad na nakuha ko iyong atensyon nilang dalawa—I mean si James lang pala.

“Anong ibig sabihin kapag tinitigan ka habang natutulog ka?”

“It depends kung sino ang naka-tingin.”

“Kung pangit o gwapo?”

Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi ni James. “First of all… anong natutulog?! Tabi kayo natulog nung situationship mo?”

Kaya ang hirap kausap ni James kasi ang lakas ng boses. Kung machichismis man kami ni Joaquin tapos may ganito bigla, either iisipin nila na si Joaquin iyong situationship ko o malandi lang ako at marami akong lalaki… honestly, both could be true.

“Basta,” I replied dismissively. “Focus tayo sa question on hand.”

“Fine, fine,” sabi niya. “I need more context.”

Kasalanan ni Joaquin ’to dahil sa sobrang sakit ng ulo ko, mga 50% function lang ako for today. Hindi ko na kaya mag-isip kaya kailangan ko na ng outside counsel. Sinabi ko kay James iyong mga pwede kong sabihin. I embellished some… details para hindi niya maisip na si Joaquin iyong sinasabi ko.

“Ano?” I asked nang makita ko iyong reaction niya nang matapos ako sa kwento ko. Pakiramdam ko naman tama iyong mga sinabi ko. Kailangan ko kasi talaga ng honest na advice. Kaya as in sinabi ko lang lahat ng ginagawa at sinasabi sa akin ni Joaquin.

“Sino nagsuggest ng situationship?” he asked.

“Siya,” sabi ko. Bigla akong kinabahan sa reaction niya. “Bakit?” I asked, alarmed. Taenang pa-suspense naman ’to! Naka-ilang kape na ako tapos ganito pa itsura niya!

“Totoo talaga sinasabi nila, noh?”

“Na alin? Diretsuhin mo na nga. Pa-suspense ka pa.”

Tumawa siya. “Bakit ang galit mo ngayon?”

“Di nga ako naka-tulog. Ulit-ulit? Kaka-sabi ko lang, ’di ba?”

Bakit ba ’di na lang si Andrew ang kinausap ko? Mas lalo akong magkaka-sakit kay James.

“Remember nung mga panahon na lagi mo akong sine-sermunan sa ex-situationship ko?” he began. “Totoo talaga na magaling lang mag-advice pero ’di kayang i-apply sa sarili.”

“Hoy—”

“What? Totoo naman, ’di ba, Andrew?” sabi niya at humingi pa ng backup. “Ganyan-ganyan din ako dati. Lagi mo ako sinasabihan na pinapaasa lang ako.”

“Totoo naman—”

“E ikaw din ngayon.”

“Pinapaasa mo mukha mo.”

“Bakit? San ka lagi tumatambay?”

“Nag-aaral lang—”

“Wala bang study table sa condo mo?”

“Nagpapa-turo—”

“Naka-survive ka ng first year na ikaw lang mag-isa kahit lasing ka most of the time. ’Wag ako.”

“Friends nga lang kami!”

“Yon ang sabi niya, pero ask yourself—ganon ba kapag friends?” diretso na sinabi ni James. “Friends tayong tatlo. Ganon ba tayo sa isa’t-isa?”

Hindi ako naka-sagot.

“You know, Franco, gets ko naman na kahit gaano pa kahaba at ka-logical ang sabihin ko o sabihin ni Andrew, at the end of the day, only you can decide for yourself,” sabi niya sa akin. “But I’m telling you… ’yang situation mo ngayon? That was me before—or maybe that’s still me now. Ewan.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

Not because I was in denial… but because I knew he was right.

Iyong ginagawa naming dalawa ni Joaquin? Hindi ’yon friends. Friends with benefits? Ganon ba talaga? Parang hindi na rin, e. But I knew na kahit sabihin ko sa kanya, he’d just argue with me at ang ending, ako na naman ang maggigiveway. Kasi lagi namang ganon.

“Ano’ng gagawin ko?” I asked because honestly… hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

“Mahal mo na ba?”

“Hindi naman siguro. ’Di pa naman ganon katagal.”

“Wala naman sa time ’yan.”

“Hindi,” I said.

I couldn’t be in love with him.

Impossible.

Maybe like… or infatuation because honestly, he’s admirable.

But love?

No.

“Anong end goal ba ang gusto mo? Maging kayo?”

Umiling ako.

That was never the goal—or at least, Joaquin was never the dream… simply because I knew that I could never have him. Everything that’s happening now’s just happening on borrowed time.

“So, just enjoy.”

“E paano kapag na-inlove ako?”

“E ’di umamin ka.”

“Paano kapag na-reject?”

“Iinom tayo.”

“Alak talaga ang sagot sa lahat,” sabi ko.

“You know it,” naka-ngisi na sabi ni James. “But seriously, alam mo, sa lahat ng nangyari, na-realize ko na ’yang situationship na ’yan, trap ’yan. Kasi kapag gusto ka ng tao, trust me, he’ll do everything to make things official—to claim you as his.”

“So… kapag situationship?”

“Pampalipas oras,” sagot ni James. “Until the right one comes along.”

Oh.

---

Paulit-ulit na naririnig ko sa utak ko iyong mga sinabi ni James.

Bakit parang medyo nasaktan ako? E ’di ba ganon din naman ako kay Joaquin? Alam ko na ’di kami endgame. Pampalipas oras ko lang din naman siya.

“Gusto ko na humimlay,” sabi ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad ako.

“You okay?” biglang sabi ng kasabay ko na naglalakad.

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “Oh, yes, yes, I’m good,” I quickly replied kasi baka isipin nito ay may gagawin akong masama.

Once I convinced him na wala naman akong plano sa buhay ko, nginitian ko siya at saka nauna na akong naglakad. Napansin ko si Joaquin na naka-tingin sa akin. I ignored him dahil masakit ang ulo ko. Kailangan kong bumalik dito dahil pinaiwan niya sa akin iyong ibang gamit ko. Lecheng ’to ginawa pang hostage iyong gamit ko.

“Who was that?” he asked nung kaming dalawa na lang iyong nasa elevator.

“Malay ko.”

“Is that the one?” he asked.

“Ha?”

“You hooked up with before?”

Napaawang iyong labi ko. “Di pa rin tayo tapos sa topic na ’to?”

“Yes,” he replied. “Until I know who it is—or who they are.”

“Ugh. You’re unbearable.”

“So, just tell me. Is that him?”

“Secret.”

Hanggang maka-labas kami ng elevator at maka-pasok kami sa unit niya ay paulit-ulit lang ang tanong ni gago.

“San gamit ko?” I asked kasi iniwan ko lang ’yon sa may table bago ako umalis kanina.

Imbes na sagutin ako ni gago ay naglakad siya. Tinawag ko siya pero pinasunod niya lang ako sa kwarto. Naglakad siya papunta sa may walk-in closet niya. He stopped in front of the drawers. He opened one.

“Bat nandyan?” I asked when I saw my things there.

“You can put your stuff here,” he said as he looked at me. “Then you can stay over without you using the excuse that you need this or you need that.”

What the fuck is wrong with him?! Bakit may drawer na ako dito bigla sa condo niya?!

**

This story is already at Chapter 44 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 31

Andrew was understanding—or probably as in literal na neutral lang siya—of my situation that he let me stay in his place for a week now. After kasi ako binigyan ni Joaquin ng drawer sa condo niya, na-stress talaga ako. Hindi naman ako bobo gaya ng sabi ni James. Alam ko na ’di na normal ’yang mga kagaguhan ni Joaquin. Bakit kailangan ko ng drawer sa condo niya?! Ang lapit-lapit lang ng condo ko. Pwede akong umuwi anytime. Tangina niya feeling ko binabahay niya na akong hayop siya.

Tsk.

Tapos kapag cinonfront ko, sasabihan na naman ako ni gago ng ‘I don’t like you like that.’

Tangina talaga ng mga straight na ’yan na experimental. Nakaka-sira ng pagkatao.

“Aalis na ako baka bukas,” sabi ko kay Andrew. Tumango lang siya. “Promise.”

Biglang tumunog iyong phone ko.

Literal na ? lang iyong text ni Joaquin. Mabuti naman at naggive up na siya kahit papaano. The past few days, full sentence pa iyong mga tanong niya sa akin kung nasaan ako. Master na rin ata ako ng excuses. Lagi akong may sinasabi na ginagawa. ’Di lang ako maka-uwi sa condo kasi hayop siya alam niya iyong sched ko kaya pwede niya akong abangan doon. Abuse of power talaga! Bat ba kasi required ibigay ang sched sa org? Tsk. Pati sa mga class ko inaagahan ko umalis just in case.

Ayoko talaga siyang makita… at least until ma-recalibrate ko ang sistema ko.

Around 11AM, inaya ko si Andrew na maglunch sa labas. Nakaka-hiya naman na isang linggo na akong free loading sa kanya. Sabay kaming naglalakad nang mapa-hinto ako at manlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko si Joaquin. Andrew was oblivious to it, so I had to hold his wrist and quickly pull him with me.

One week pa lang! Balak ko sana na ’di magpakita sa kanya since patapos na rin naman ang sem. Actually kahit sa org meetings e nagdadahilan na rin ako. Aba, mas mahalaga ang sanity ko, noh. Tapos right after this sem ends, kahit ayoko, mas pipiliin ko na umuwi sa probinsya.

Nakaka-bilib din ’tong si Joaquin, e. Imagine mo napauwi niya ako sa probinsya ko na akala ko e after five years ko pa uuwian? Iba rin!

“Sa iba na tayo pupunta?” Andrew asked nang lumagpas na kami sa may resto na sinabi ko na ililibre ko siya.

“Yup,” I replied. “Naalala ko. May mas okay na resto.”

Andrew just nodded. Nakaka-miss pala magkaroon ng kasama na agreeable—hindi iyong bawat paguusap e nauuwi sa pagtatalo. Jusko.

For some reason, biglang bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko nang maramdaman ko na nagvibrate iyong cellphone ko. I was torn kung iche-check ko ba iyong notif o papabayaan ko na lang. Kasi mga 70% sure ako na si Joaquin ’yon. Ewan… basta alam ko lang. But on the off chance, na acads related ’yon, gusto ko pa ring i-check.

Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi ko nang mabasa ko iyong text niya.

‘Tell me where you are or I’ll report you as missing.’

Ayokong replyan siya, pero sigurado ako na irereport talaga ako ng hayop na ’to. Mamaya makarating pa sa magulang ko! Bwisit talaga ’to! Alam na alam kung paano ako bu-bwisitin!

‘Tangina mo.’

‘There he is,’ he replied. Nakita ko ulit iyong message bubble.

‘Ayan na may proof of life ka na. Bye na busy ako.’

Napa-hilot ako sa nosebridge ko nang makita ko si Joaquin na tumatawag.

“Una ka na,” sabi ko kay Andrew nang makarating kami sa may resto. “Sagutin ko lang ’to.”

Huminga ako nang malalim bago ko sagutin iyong tawag ni Joaquin. I just needed to remind myself to remain firm in my resolve. Ayoko talaga siyang makita hanggang matapos iyong sem. Kailangan kong magmuni-muni ng sembreak. Kapag nahimasmasan na ako, saka niya na ulit ako guluhin next sem kung interesado pa rin siya.

Basta ayoko muna ngayon.

Kailangan ko ng space! Tangina niyang drawer niya!

“Ano?” sabi ko nang sagutin ko iyong tawag.

“Where are you?”

“Library.”

“Liar.”

“Baliw.”

“Right behind you.”

Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang sabihin niya ’yon. Naramdaman ko na nagtaasan iyong balahibo sa batok ko. Bakit ba ganito ’tong tao na ’to?! Ayaw niya ba akong bigyan ng peace of mind?!

Muli akong huminga nang malalim. I didn’t even need to turn around to confirm na nasa likuran ko siya. He’s just fucking insane.

I ended the call just as I was about to turn around. And I was right. He was a few meters away from me, his phone still to his ear.

“Ano na naman?” I asked, didn’t even bother to hide the fact that I was annoyed.

Joaquin put his phone in his pocket. He walked towards me. My self-preservation was telling me to walk away… or run. Pero alam ko na hahabulin ako literal ng gago na ’to. Buti na lang si Andrew ang kasama ko kasi tangina paano kung si James?! Malakas pa naman radar non.

“You cheating on me?” were the first fucking words that came out of his fucking mouth.

“Cheating mo mukha mo,” agad na sabi ko sa kanya. “Ano ba’ng kailangan mo sa ’kin?”

“Who was that?” he asked.

“Kaibigan ko.”

“Really.”

“Once again, I don’t kiss my friends. Paulit-ulit na lang.”

He gave me a single nod. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“Sa imagination mo lang ’yan.”

“Really.”

“Really,” I mimicked. “May iba akong group project. Busy ako don. Ngayon, busy ako kasama iyong kaibigan ko. Okay na?”

Instead of just nodding and leaving me alone, naka-tayo lang siya at naka-tingin sa akin.

“You’re doing project in a restaurant?” he asked.

“Lunch. Duh. Bawal ba kami kumain?” pilosopo na sagot ko kasi naiirita ako. Bakit ba kasi niya ako binigyan ng drawer?! Iyong access card, kaya ko pang ijustify sa utak ko na tinatamad na siyang sunduin at ihatid ako. Pero drawer?!

“Great. I haven’t had lunch yet.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Bago pa ako makapagreklamo o kung anuman ay naglakad na si Joaquin. He was walking quite fast that I had to jog para maabutan siya.

“Baliw ka ba?” mabilis na sabi ko.

“No. I’m just hungry.”

“Parang gago naman ’to.”

“What? I just want to have lunch with you.”

“Nasa akin ba ’yung kutsara’t tinidor mo?”

“See? That’s what I missed,” sabi niya. Agad na natigilan ako. Tangina niya talagang hanggang mamatay siya. Mamatay na lahat ng paasa sa mundo! Unang-una siya sa listahan!

“Gago.”

Natawa siya kasi alam niya iyong ginagawa niyang hayop siya. “What? I can’t say I missed your sarcasm now?”

“Ewan ko sa ’yo,” sabi ko. I held his arm bago pa kami maka-pasok sa resto. He stopped on his tracks and looked at him. “Hindi nga kita iniiwasan,” I said, still sticking to my narrative. He arched a brow like he wasn’t buying what I was selling. “Busy lang talaga. Kapag ’di na ako busy, gagala ako sa condo mo.”

“Alright,” he said. I breathed in relief. “I’m still having lunch with you.”

My lips parted. “Bakit ba kasi?!”

“I told you. I haven’t had lunch yet.”

“E ’di sa iba ka kumain. Bakit nakikisali ka sa amin?”

“Why? Are you hiding something?”

“Ano itatago ko? Kutsara?!”

“Why are you so fixated with spoons?”

I groaned. “Nakaka-ubos ka ng pasensya kausap!”

He chuckled. “You’re just easy to piss.”

“Alam mo naman pala tapos binu-bwisit mo pa rin ako.”

“It’s fun.”

I groaned once again. “Whatever. Na-bwisit mo na ako. Okay na. Umalis ka na.”

But instead of listening to me, he just pulled the door and walked in the restaurant. He looked around briefly before he spotted Andrew who was quietly minding his own business. Diretso na naglakad papunta doon si Joaquin. I’d drag him away with me if not for the fact na medyo maraming tao ngayon kasi lunch.

“Hi, Franco’s friend,” biglang sabi ni Joaquin. Tumingin siya sa akin. “Won’t you introduce me?”

I briefly closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Andrew, si Joaquin, orgmate ko.”

Bahagyang nagsalubong ang kilay niya. Mabuti na lang at dumating na iyong waitress para kunin iyong order namin.

“Pinapauwi ako sa bahay,” biglang sabi ni Andrew after niya may basahin na text sa phone niya. “Paabangan na lang nung delivery mamaya.”

I nodded. “Okay,” sabi ko tapos napa-tingin ako kay Joaquin na mas nagsalubong ang kilay.

Fuck.

I tried to ignore him the whole meal—which wasn’t easy because he was basically shooting daggers right at my direction. Hindi naman siya bobo. For sure na-decipher niya na kay Andrew ako nagtatago the past few days. Tapos itong si gago pabalik-balik iyong tingin sa amin ni Andrew na para bang nagtatahi siya ng istorya sa utak niya.

Tsk.

At least mabaliw man lang siya kahit ngayong araw lang.

Unfortunately, Andrew had to leave quickly dahil may emergency ata. I offered to go with him kung sakaling kailangan niya ng kasama. He assured me that he’s fine and that he’ll message me pagdating niya sa bahay niya.

“Ano na naman?” I asked nang makita ko si Joaquin na naka-tingin sa akin. Nasa labas pa rin kami ng resto. Kakaalis lang ni Andrew.

“Didn’t know you’re capable of using that tone.”

“Ano?” I asked, annoyed that I was alone with him. Again.

“A caring tone.”

“E kasi nakaka-bwisit ka kausap palagi.”

“All the time?”

“90% of the time.”

“So, you should use that tone with me 10% of the time.”

My god.

Bakit ba ganito ’to magreasoning?!

“Pag-iisipan ko.”

Hindi niya talaga ako tatantanan dahil naglalakad siya kasama ko.

“My condo’s this way,” he said nang liliko na sana ako papunta sa condo ni Andrew.

“Alam ko,” I replied. “Sige—”

“Just tell your friend to give the courier your number. When he calls, I’ll walk with you here to pickup whatever package it is,” sabi niya habang hawak ako sa braso at sinasama sa paglakad niya papunta sa condo.

Kung wala lang talagang ibang tao sa paligid namin e tinulak ko na ’to saka nagsprint ako papunta sa condo ni Andrew.

“Bitawan mo nga ako,” sabi ko habang naglalakad kami.

“Alright but don’t run unless you want me to chase you.”

Ugh! Naririnig niya ba mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya?!

Pero ayoko na makipagtalo kasi lagi naman akong natatalo. Pagdating namin sa condo niya, I quickly took off my clothes.

“Shower sex?” I asked as I looked at him.

“What—” he asked as he took a pause to look at me. “Alright,” he continued as he took off his shirt, too.

“One hour tops tapos uuwi na ako.”

He was in the middle of unbuttoning his pants nang matigilan siya.

“Fine. One and half pero max na ’yon. May gagawin pa nga ako.”

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya kasi hindi siya nagsasalita. For some reason, bigla akong nakaramdam ng kaba. Ano na naman ginawa ko?! Kaya niya ako hinatak dito ’di ba kasi one week na siyang tigang… siguro? Aba malay ko kung may iba siyang kalokohan na ginagawa kaya lagi siyang insistent sa always with condoms rule kahit agree din naman ako.

“You piss me off,” bigla niyang sabi.

Natigilan ako.

He sounded so… serious.

“Just leave before you piss me off some more.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 45 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 32

What… the fuck did just happen?

I pissed him off?! Ako nga iyong kinaladkad niya papunta sa condo niya kahit narinig niya naman na may kailangan akong abangan na delivery sa condo ni Andrew.

“Baliw talaga ampota,” bulong ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa condo ni Andrew. “Sira ulo. Pasalamat nga siya binigyan ko pa siya ng one hour ng buhay ko. Tsk. Daming alam.”

Bigla akong napa-hinto sa paglalakad.

“Tangina. Kairita.”

I knew that the logical thing to do would be to just let it go kasi kailan ba ako nanalo kay Joaquin?! But then again, lagi na lang bang ganito? Saka bakit ba siya nagagalit sa ’kin? FWB nga kami, ’di ba? E ’di ba ’yung benefits naman non mostly sex related? Kaya ano bang inaarte niya sa akin?

Diretso akong naglakad papunta sa condo niya. Malakas na kumatok ako sa pintuan.

“What?” he asked. His face was showing visible sign of annoyance. I couldn’t even enjoy the sight before me. For some reason, he was topless and there was only a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Magbihis ka nga.”

“Why are you here? I told you to piss off.”

I got walked past him. Naupo ako sa couch. Tumingin ako sa kanya. Aba, kung naiinis siya sa akin, mas naman ako sa kanya. Nakakairita kaya siya. Kailangan ko ng sabihin sa kanya lahat ng nasa utak ko kasi kapag hindi pa, pakiramdam ko e sasabog na ako sa overthinking.

When he saw that I wasn’t planning on leaving, he rolled his eyes before he caved in. He shut the door behind him and naglakad siya papunta sa kwarto niya. Not a minute later, lumabas na ulit siya. Good. He’s finally fully clothed. Paano kami maguusap nang maayos kung nakikita ko ’yang lecheng abs niya?!

“What do you want?” he asked.

Instead of sitting beside me or at least close to me, naka-tayo lang siya at naka-tingin sa akin.

I tapped the space beside me. “Pwede bang maupo ka?”

“No,” he replied.

Parang bata ampota.

“Fine,” I said as I drew a deep breath because someone had to be the bigger person here. “What did I do that pissed you off?” diretso kong tanong para matapos na. I hated confrontations like this. It’s awkward. Mas gusto kong magoverthink na lang kaso parang ikakamatay ko rin ang overthinking. So, I just had to bite the bullet and ask the question.

A minute passed.

Hindi siya sumagot.

“Ano nga?” I asked, a bit pissed. “Ayoko rin nagtatanong ng ganito pero ano nga kasi ginawa ko? Parang kung meron nga, e ’di magsosorry ako,” I continued kahit ’di ko talaga alam kung ano nagawa ko. Galit ba siya dahil ’di ako nagpakita ng one week? Kasi iyong inis niya sa akin parang seryoso talaga hindi ’yung usual na inis niya na hindi naman seryoso.

Naka-tingin lang ako sa mukha ni Joaquin. Ang seryoso ng mukha niya. I hated that I could still think how hot he looked kapag ganyan na seryoso siya. I had to repeatedly remind myself na nandito ako para makipag-usap nang seryoso.

“Did you avoid me all week?” he asked.

“Oo,” sagot ko.

“Why?”

Imbes na sumagot agad, tumayo ako. I started to walk. As I passed by him, he held me by my arm. I looked at him. “Kukuha lang ako ng alak, okay? Naiilang ako sa ganitong seryosong usap.”

Joaquin loosened his grip and let go of my arm. Imbes na sa ref ako pumunta para kumuha ng beer, doon ako sa cabinet niya dumiretso. I got a bottle of blue label whiskey. I got two glasses and poured whiskey in them.

We were standing on the opposite sides of the island. I slid the glass towards his end. Ininom ko ’yung alak at naramdaman ko iyong guhit sa lalamunan ko. It didn’t feel enough. I downed another glass.

“Di mo iinumin ’yan?” I asked.

“No. I want to clearly hear whatever explanation you have for avoiding me,” sagot niya habang seryoso pa rin na naka-tingin sa akin.

“Fine,” I replied as I grabbed his glass and finished it, too. I drew another deep breath. “First of all, hindi naman ako nagsinungaling. Busy talaga ako sa school.”

“Didn’t stop you before from hanging out here,” he said.

“I know,” I replied. “But I also needed space to think.”

“About what?”

“This,” I said. “You’re…” Tumingin ulit ako sa kanya. Totoo ba ’yung tinatawag nila na liquid courage o niloloko ko lang iyong sarili ko kasi alam ko na dapat sabihin ko na sa kanya or else mababaliw na talaga ako? “Your actions are confusing me.”

I needed to choose my words carefully.

Both for him and for myself.

“What actions?” he asked. Gusto ko siyang tanungin kung seryoso ba siya na hindi niya alam o ayaw niya lang aminin? Because surely, he couldn’t be that dense to think na normal lang lahat ng ginagawa niya.

“Why do I always have to sleep here?” I asked. “I can justify sleeping over if we had sex pero bakit kahit wala naman, gusto mo na dito ako natutulog?”

“Why not?”

“Kasi hindi ’yon ginagawa ng friends!”

“You stayed for a whole week at your friend’s.”

“Iba ’yon.”

“How’s it different?” he asked, his tone shifting into something more dangerous.

I had to bite my tongue. I didn’t want to accidentally tell me that of course his actions confused me because I have feelings for him. Na ultimo pinaka-maliit na bagay na gawin niya para sa akin, lalagyan ko ng kulay.

I know it’s on me, but still… couldn’t he cooperate even just a little? Because he’s making it harder for me to remember where the lines were.

“Because I don’t fuck him. I don’t sleep with him. We’re friends in the very sense of the word,” dire-diretso kong sabi bago pa magbago ang isip ko at iwasan ko na naman siya. God, I needed more drink! “Our arrangement is different. You confuse me, okay? Lagi mong sinasabi sa akin na hindi mo ako gusto, na magkaibigan lang tayo, but then you’d do shit that makes me wonder if—”

I paused.

Because I couldn’t say it.

Maybe James was right.

Should I just ask it?

Para at least tapos na…

“If what?” he asked.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Instead, I reached for the bottle and began pouring, but Joaquin quickly grabbed the bottle from my hand and harshly put it back on the table.

“Finish your sentence,” he firmly stated.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. I hated how I could feel my chest slowly tightening. I hated how I was very aware of the tears that were forming around my eyes.

Fuck.

Pwede bang umalis na lang ulit ako?

“If what?” he pressed. I knew he wouldn’t let me leave unless I tell him what he wanted to hear.

But I couldn’t let out a single word. Instead, the tears began to fall. They kept on falling as I stared at him. The indifference on his face was making it so much harder to breathe.

“If I have feelings for you?” he asked, finishing the sentence that we both knew I couldn’t finish.

Hindi ako nagsalita. I neither confirmed nor deny his question… probably because it was a way for me to protect myself… kahit kaunti lang. Na hindi ko naman tinanong. That maybe I could still pretend that none of this was my idea at all.

“Do you have feelings for me?” he asked.

I looked at him.

I looked at the way he was looking at me… like he was afraid that I’d say yes and confirm his fear. That all this time, while he thought that I was in agreement with the arrangement, I betrayed him by falling for him.

But do I betray him or do I betray myself?

“Do you have feelings for me?” I asked him. I just had to know.

“I know my answer,” he replied. “Tell me yours first.”

“Why?”

“Because I know I won’t change my reply regardless of what you say,” he said. “So, answer me first.”

He had such a way with words.

He can be so cruel.

“Yes. I think. I don’t know,” I said, failing at every stop. “I just said that you confuse me.”

Every second that I heard nothing from him made me want to throw up. Hindi ko na alam kung dahil ba sa alak o dahil alam ko na kung ano ang susunod na lalabas sa bibig niya.

I knew he’s about to break my heart.

But I guess this had to happen.

At least alam ko.

“I’m sorry if I confused you.”

I hated that the tears began to fall the moment that I heard him say that he’s sorry. Alam ko naman na na ito iyong sasabihin niya, pero bawal ba akong masaktan at ma-disappoint?

“I thought we’re in agreement that the benefits are… just that—benefits,” he said.

“I know,” I said as I quickly wiped the tears away, embarrassed that I was crying in front of him after basically confessing and then being rejected. “I’m sorry din. I misinterpreted.”

Joaquin looked guilty and I hated that there’s guilt on his face. Inabutan niya ako ng tissue para punasan iyong mga luha ko.

“I misinterpreted you always wanting me to stay the night, cuddling with me, getting mad when I’m around other guys, wanting to know about my past, wanting to hog my time—my bad for misinterpreting everything,” dire-diretso kong sinabi. I just had to let it all out. Kasi alam ko na ngayon lang iyong pagkakataon na meron ako.

Maybe I can still pretend to be drunk.

I didn’t want to look at him and know that he managed to break me down like this.

Couldn’t I keep just a semblance of dignity?

“Isn’t that what friends with benefits are? If I can’t even do those, what separates that from just being fuck buddies?”

“Then what separates that from dating?” I asked him back. “We’re basically doing things that people who are in a relationship do.”

“Because I don’t have feelings for you.”

Oh.

Oo nga pala.

Huminga ako nang malalim. I forced a smile on my face.

“You said it before that the moment I develop feelings, we’ll stop, right?” sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya. I waited for his response. He said nothing. I wiped the tears that formed around my stinging eyes. “I guess… this is it.”

I begged myself to even my breathing because the last thing I wanted was to be a sobbing mess in front of him. My hand was shaking as I grabbed my wallet and handed him back the access card.

“Franco—”

“Papakuha ko na lang sa kaibigan ko ’yung gamit ko,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Why?” he asked. “You can still stay here sometimes. We’re friends.”

I couldn’t even see him properly with all the tears that were clouding my eyes.

“Right…” sabi ko at pinilit na tumango. “Sure. But baka next sem na. Give me time to gather my thoughts first.”

He didn’t say a word. I gave him a smile before I left. He didn’t do anything… I was the idiot who fell for a guy who was very clear about what he wanted from me.

“James,” sabi ko nang sagutin niya ’yung tawag.

“Yup? What’s up?”

“Sabi mo iinom tayo, ’di ba?” I asked in between sobs.

“Okay, okay. San ka? Alis na ako ngayon. Puntahan kita. Kalma ka lang, okay? Tawagan ko rin si Andrew.”

“Okay…” I said as I broke down in public, never mind the people who were watching me as I cried. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 46 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 33

“Sabihin mo na…” sabi ko sa kanilang dalawa habang naka-tingin sila sa akin. “I told you so.”

“Baliw. Bakit ko naman sasabihin sa ’yo ’yon?” sagot ni James sa ’kin. “Pero dahan-dahan nga lang sa alak. Baka masobrahan ka.”

I laughed as I cried.

Fuck.

Akala ko na-heartbroken na ako dati pero bakit parang mas matindi iyong ngayon? Kung tutuusin, ni hindi pa nga ganoong katagal ko kilala si Joaquin. Halos isang sem ko pa lang siyang kakilala—half of that time, I hated him.

Kaya bakit ganito?

Why did the thought of not having him in my life was making me so sad?

“Sa tingin mo…” sabi ko habang dahan-dahan na namang tumutulo iyong luha mula sa mga mata ko. Akala ko naubos na sila. Hanggang kailan kaya ako iiyak? Sana hanggang ngayong gabi lang. “Sa tingin mo kung hindi ako umamin ngayon… kung naghintay pa ako… sa tingin mo, iba ’yung mangyayari?”

Kasi baka minadali ko siya?

Maybe he just needed time? To get to know me better? To like me better?

Ang daming what ifs.

Baka mali lang ako ng timing?

What if… I just sucked it up? Would things have been different?

I looked at my friends… but the look on their faces just made me want to get drunk even more. Ni hindi ko man lang masabi sa kanila kung sino iyong iniiyakan ko. Would I just mourn the what could’ve beens on my own?

Hindi ba ako mababaliw kapag ganon?

“Franco—”

I shook my head as I smiled. “Nope. Don’t answer. Alam ko naman ’yung sagot sa tanong ko.”

Hindi naman ako ’yung unang bading na na-in love sa straight na lalaki. Putanginang buhay ’to. Putangina din ni Joaquin kasi bakit ba ako pa iyong nabiktima ng exploratory stage niya.

“Marami pa d’yang iba.”

I knew James meant well… but if that’s true, then why hasn’t he moved on yet? Preview ba talaga siya ng mga mangyayari sa akin? Was I meant to suffer the repercussions of the stupid decisions that I consciously made? Hanggang kailan? Hindi ba ako pwedeng bigyan ng timeline? Hanggang kailan ako guguluhin ng alaala ni Joaquin?

“Ipapakilala kita. Type mo ’yung mga mukhang mabait pero may saltik talaga, ’di ba?”

Then he began to look worried as I cried harder.

Tangina.

Iyon nga ata talaga type ko—mukhang mabait pero siraulo talaga.

Tangina ni Joaquin.

Tangina niya kapag naka-move on ako.

“Alam mo, pinadala talaga ng impyerno sa akin ’yung gago na ’yon. Kung kailan ako nagdecide na magseryoso sa pag-aaral, saka dinala sa buhay ko ’yung hayop na ’yon. Nung first year naman na pariwara ako, walang ganito. Sign talaga ’to na mas okay magwalwal,” dire-diretso kong sabi.

James and Andrew were the audience to my drunken rambling.

At one point, I lost recollection of what happened until I woke up in my condo. Parang mabibiyak iyong ulo ko nang maupo ako sa kama ko. I looked around and immediately saw my friends sleeping. Nasa sofa si James habang nasa sahig naman si Andrew.

“Andrew,” mahinang sabi ko. He looked at me. I instantly felt bad. Pinuntahan niya ako kahit alam ko na may personal lakad siya kahapon. “Sa kama ka na,” I told him.

He sat down first at saka kinusot iyong mga mata niya. Pumunta muna ako sa may CR. Paglabas ko, magtitimpla sana ako ng kape nang makita ko na wala ng laman ’yon. I looked at Andrew and saw that he was still sitting. Naistorbo ko ata iyong tulog.

“Bibili ako ng kape sa labas. Sama ka?” I asked.

He nodded. We walked out. My eyes felt puffy from all the crying last night. Masakit din iyong lalamunan ko.

“Fuck. Ano ’to?” I asked when I saw a huge bruise on my leg. “Nadapa ba ako?”

Tumingin si Andrew sa akin. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Umiinom tayo,” sabi ko. “Bakit? Nagsuka ba ako?” I asked, embarrassed. Nung unang beses na magclub ako sa Manila, nagclub hopping kami nila James. Nasuka ako sa bar. Nakaka-hiya kasi narinig namin na pinag-uusapan sa buong club na may nagsuka. Tapos nahulog din ako sa manhole.

Damn. Nakaka-miss iyong mga panahon na walwal lang ako saka puro mga fuckboy lang nakaka-salamuha ko. At least back then, alam ko na ’di talaga sila dapat seryosohin.

Tsk.

“You wanna know?” Andrew asked.

My eyes widened. “Oh, my god. Ano’ng ginawa ko?!”

While we were walking, Andrew filled in the gap of what happened. Nung hinatid nila ako, huminto kami sa convenience store. Bumili sila ng Gatorade para sa akin dahil dehydrated na raw ako sa kaka-iyak. When they returned, wala na ako sa sasakyan. They panicked for a while. Naghiwalay sila para hanapin ako.

“Paano mo nalaman?” I asked when he told me he found me nang pumunta siya sa condo ni Joaquin. I knew they already met but… I never really explicitly told him about Joaquin. I couldn’t. Even after everything that happened, I still couldn’t betray him like that.

“It was obvious,” he said.

“Ah… Sobrang halata ko ba?”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “No,” he said. “Yes. But also, he’s obvious.”

“Ha?”

“I think he likes you, too,” Andrew said. “But he’s also not sure about you. You deserve someone who’s certain about you—not someone who can’t even decide if you’re worth it or not.”

I felt a lump in my throat.

Ni hindi ako nakapagsalita pagkatapos niyang sabihin ’yon.

Tahimik lang kaming naglakad hanggang sa makarating kami sa coffee shop. Tinukso ko si Andrew na dapat ba lagi akong broken kasi nilibre niya ako ng kape. Ang hirap tuksuhin ng tao na ’to. But I was also thankful na hindi niya na sinabi sa akin kung ano iyong ginawa ko… kung nakarating ba ako sa condo ni Joaquin.

My phone vibrated.

We both saw the name on the screen.

‘Text me when you’re awake.’

I grabbed my phone. I stared at it hard enough that I wouldn’t even be surprised if I bore a hole on it. One part of my mind was debating if I would answer… but I decided not to. Nilagay ko lang iyong cellphone ko sa bulsa ko at muli ay tahimik na naglakad kami ni Andrew pabalik sa condo.

---

I thanked them for being with me. James hated the sentimentality of it all, so he just brushed it off by saying na sa susunod, siya naman ang iiyak at ako ang magbabantay sa kanya. Malas man ako sa love life, swerte naman ako sa mga kaibigan. Ito ba ’yung sinasabi nila na ‘you can’t have it all?’

When they left, the silence was suddenly deafening. Naka-higa ako at naka-tingin sa cellphone ko. I opened the notification. I stared at the message.

Then I received another notification but from Andrew.

There was a video attachment. Agad na napa-upo ako at nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang ma-recognize ko na ako iyon… at si Joaquin sa harap ng pintuan sa condo niya.

Tangina.

I couldn’t even bring myself to press play. I immediately called Andrew.

“Ano ’to?”

“My friend sent me,” he said. “She lives across Joaquin’s. Nagising siya dahil sa ’yo. Don’t worry, I made her delete the video and promise not to tell anyone about it.”

Tangina.

Tangina.

“Just thought you should see that,” he stated. “I deleted it from my end, too.”

Ilang minuto pagkatapos ng tawag namin, ni hindi ko pa rin magawang panoorin iyong video. Ano ba’ng ginawa ko? Kaya ba ako gustong kausapin ni Joaquin? Dahil dito? Fuck! Hindi na ulit ako iinom!

I tried to ignore the video, but it felt like a shadow casted on me. Kahit ano ang gawin ko ay naaalala ko siya… pati iyong text ni Joaquin na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin nirereplyan. Hindi ba pwedeng magpanggap na lang ako na hindi nangyari iyong dalawang bahay na ’yon? Hind ba pwedeng isipin niya na lang na lasing lang ako?

Couldn’t he give me back even just a little piece of my dignity?

‘Are you still asleep?’

I knew he wanted to remain as friends but fuck… hindi ba niya ako pwedeng bigyan ng pagkakataon para magmove on? Would he constantly remind me of him?

‘You hit your knee when you were trying to kick down my door. Make sure you get that checked.’

I felt my chest tightening again.

Mas madali siguro ’to kung literal na ayaw niya lang talaga sa akin… kung talagang sex lang iyong gusto niya… but this? Him really caring about me and genuinely wanting to be friends with me? This was making it impossible.

I ignored his texts.

I overcompensated by trying to watch comedy kahit wala namang nakaka-tawa sa buhay ko ngayon.

But then I heard a knock on the door. For some reason, I knew it was him… or probably I was wishing it was him? Hindi ba madadala ’tong utak ko na puro siya lang ang iniisip?

I got up.

I opened the door.

“Hey,” he said. “You look like shit,” he continued.

I didn’t say anything. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya kasi ano naman ang sasabihin ko?

“Here,” he said as he handed me a paper bag from a pharmacy.

“Joaquin,” I called as I took the paper bag from him because I knew better than to not accept it.

“Yes?”

“Can you please leave me alone?” diretso kong pakiusap sa kanya. “Please?”

Naka-tingin lang din siya sa ’kin. I just stared at him, hoping that by looking at me, he’d see that I was genuinely hurt and that I really needed him to distance himself away from me… kasi kapag ganito nang ganito, saan ako aabutin?

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll leave you alone for now. Do whatever you need to do to move on, so that we can be friends.”

I bit the inside of lips.

I gave him a small nod because… what else was there to say or do?

It was almost like he was begging me to get rid of my feelings for him.

“Don’t worry,” I told him. “I will do my best.”

I closed the door before me bago pa man ako muling umiyak sa harapan niya. And as I was once again alone inside the comfort of my own room, I finally pressed play… and watched myself once again ask Joaquin questions I already painfully knew the answers to. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 47 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 34

Siguro matagal na akong naging headline ng balita kung hindi dahil sa mga kaibigan ko… Probably from alcohol poisoning o kaya naman e naipasok na ako sa balde nung panahong puro kabobohan ang pinairal ko nung freshman year ko—not saying na wala na akong kabobohan ngayon because clearly, bobo pa rin ako.

“Nasa suicide watch ba ako?” bungad ko kay Andrew nang buksan ko iyong pinto at pagmumukha niya na naman ang nakita ko.

Instead of answering, Andrew, ever being a man of few words, ay pumasok lang sa condo ko. May dala siyang paperbag na may pagkain. Hanep talaga iyong konsensya ng taong ’to. Nabanggit ko lang ng isang beses na wala ako sa mood kumain dahil tinatamad akong magluto o mag-isip ng gusto kong kainin, tapos lagi na akong dinadalhan ng pagkain. Never pa siguro nakaranas ng heartbreak ang taong ’to. ’Di ba niya alam na the best diet ay ang ma-brokenhearted? Literal na wala kang ganang mabuhay.

Inalok ko si Andrew nung dala niyang pagkain, pero sinabi niya na kumain na siya. Nandon lang siya sa isang gilid. May naka-patong na unan sa may mga binti niya at naka-patong naman doon iyong laptop niya. Tsk. Dito pa gumawa ng assignment.

Pagkatapos kong kumain, nagligpit ako tapos nahiga ulit sa kama. Hindi ko namalayan na naka-tulog na pala ako. Nagising ako na madilim na, pero agad na nakita ko iyong liwanag mula sa screen ng laptop ni Andrew.

“Ba’t ’di mo binuksan ’yung ilaw?” I asked him kasi para siyang kriminal na nagta-type sa dilim.

“You’re sleeping,” he replied.

“Sanay naman ako matulog na may ilaw,” I told him. Saka nakaka-sira ng eyesight kaya ’yung nagta-type kapag madilim.

I stood up and turned on the light for him. Napa-tingin ako sa orasan. Fuck. 9PM na?!

“Nagdinner ka na?” I asked him. Umiling siya habang nasa may laptop pa rin niya iyong atensyon niya.

Dahil ’di naman ganoon kakapal ang mukha ko, I decided to cook dinner for us. Tinignan ko iyong laman ng ref ko.

“Andrew,” I called. “Okay lang sa ’yo pancit canton na dinner?”

“Okay.”

Buti pa ’to mabilis kausap.

Dahil naiirita ako sa sound ng pagta-type niya sa keyboard, nagsuot ako ng headphones habang nagluluto. Nagluto ako ng apat na pancit canton at saka apat na pritong itlog na may chili oil. In fairness nakaka-miss din kumain ng ganito. Lately sila James at Andrew ang nagpapa-kain sa akin. Iba din trip nung dalawa na ’yon sa pagkain. ’Di man lang kinonsider iyong taste buds ko.

“Kain na,” I announced nang matapos ako sa labor-intensive cooking session na ginawa ko. “Bakit pala dito ka tumambay buong araw?” I asked him. Usually kasi may trip nito na sa condo niya lang siya.

“Nire-renovate ’yung katabi kong unit,” he replied.

“Oh. ’Di kaya ng noise-cancelling?” Umiling siya. “Yikes. Dito ka na lang. Natutulog lang naman ako buong araw,” I offered. Ayaw niya rin kasi sa library nag-aaral. Alam ko sumasama lang ’to samin ni James minsan, pero kung siya lang, ayaw niya sa library kasi maraming tao.

“Okay,” he replied. Nice. At least medyo naka-bawi naman ako. Nakaka-guilty kaya! Parang nagkaroon pa sila ng anak ni James dahil lagi nila akong inaalagaan. Feeling ko naman… I mean, of course minsan naiisip ko pa rin si Joaquin. Minsan gusto ko pa ring sakalin iyong sarili ko tuwing naiisip ko iyong mga nakaka-hiya at nakaka-tanggal dignidad na sinabi ko sa kanya.

But then… life goes on.

It’s still on pause now, but naniniwala ako na magiging okay din ako.

“Finals na next, next week,” bigla niyang sinabi.

I groaned. “Wag mong paalala.”

“Magreview ka na.”

“Next week.”

“Okay,” he replied. “Aattend na lang kami ni James ng graduation mo.”

I looked at him and faked a gasp. “Grabe naman! Bakit delayed graduation agad ako?!”

He shrugged. Tsk. I hated na effective talaga sa akin iyong mga ganitong pananakot.

---

Medyo makapal din iyong mukha ni Andrew dahil ako na nga iyong nagluto ng canton, ako pa iyong naghugas ng mga plato. After cleaning up, pumwesto na ako sa may study area ko. I even used pomodoro technique para lang makapagconcentrate ako. I wrote on a post-it note iyong goal na dito sa Manila tumira at saka pinost iyon sa pader sa harapan ko. I also reminded myself na ayokong mag-explain sa mga magulang ko just in case na ma-e-extend ako. Ano? Ano’ng sasabihin ko? Na-extend ako dahil na-heartbroken ako sa lalaki na walang feelings sa akin at gusto lang ako maka-sex?! E ’di hinila nila ako sa simbahan at saka pinabasbasan don.

At around 2AM, I gave up. Wala na akong maintindihan sa mga ginagawa ko. I stood up and did some stretching. Napa-tingin ako kay Andrew na going strong pa rin sa ginagawa niya.

“Okay ka pa?” I asked him.

He looked at my direction at saka tinanggal iyong headphones niya. “Ha?”

“Okay ka pa?” I asked with thumbs up dahil baka na-bingi na siya dahil more than half a day na siyang may headphones na suot.

He nodded. “Matutulog ka na ulit?” he asked as he closed his laptop, indicating na uuwi na rin siya sa condo niya.

Umiling ako. “Kaka-gising ko lang kanina, ’di ba?” paalala ko sa kanya na comatose ako buong araw, so malamang sa malamang e kahit gustuhin ko, ’di agad ako makaka-tulog.

Inaya ko si Andrew na maglakad papunta sa convenience store. We bought one pack of beer saka mga chichirya. Pagbalik namin sa condo, naka-upo lang kami sa sahig. I tried to look for something to watch in Netflix kaya lang walang maganda. In the end, nagpatugtog na lang ako ng senti playlist.

“Andrew,” I called. Hindi siya sumagot, as usual, pero alam ko na nakikinig siya. “Wala ka talagang love life?” I asked. Hindi na naman siya nagsalita. I turned my body para naka-harap ako sa kanya habang naka-harap pa rin siya sa TV. “Promise, ’di ko sasabihin kay James. Secret lang natin.”

“Wala,” he replied.

“Bakit? Ano ba type mo? Baka may kakilala ako,” sabi ko sa kanya.

In fairness naman kasi talaga, as a friend, sobrang wala akong masabi sa kanya kahit minsan pakiramdam ko e chatgpt ang kausap ko kapag humihingi ako ng advice. Pero isipin mo kung ganito na siya sa amin na kaibigan niya pa lang, paano pa sa jowa niya?

“I don’t have any type,” sabi niya.

“Sus. Showbiz answer. Ano nga? Gusto mo ’yung pa-mysterious? O cool kid? O nerd type?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Impossible. Ikaw pa na laging may sagot sa tanong? Impossible na kahit once in your life, ’di mo naisip ’to.”

“I like what I like,” he replied. “I don’t want to set parameters because based on observation,” he continued and I immediately frowned dahil alam ko na na kaming dalawa ni James ’yang observation na ’yan, “Theory is different from application. What you say you want is different from what you actually want.”

“Bakit? Ano ba sinasabi ko na gusto ko sa actually na gusto ko?”

“When you’re drunk, you actually talk a bit about finding true love.”

“Yuck.”

“But in reality, you go after guys who can’t give you what you want.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Basically the same—hindi mo makukuha ’yung gusto mo.”

“Tss. E ’di ikaw na matalino.”

“I’m just an observer,” Andrew said. “I know one day, if I find someone I like, gagawa din ako ng katangahan kagaya niyo ni James.”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya at napa-tawa. “True that. Never say never,” I said as I grabbed my can of beer at saka pinagtoast ko iyong inumin namin. “Pero… as in never ka pa nagkaroon ng magugustuhan?”

“Romantically?”

“Hindi. Platonically,” I said sarcastically, but hindi gumagana talaga sa kanya kapag ganito. For sure kung si Joaquin— “Ugh,” I groaned as I downed the beer dahil taena bakit ba naka-tambay iyong hayop na ’yon sa utak ko?!

Andrew was watching me as I finished another can of beer. Siguro na-traumatize na ’to sa mga katangahan namin ni James. ’Di pa kaya natakot ’to ma-in love dahil parang puro problema naririnig niya sa ’min?

“So, never ka pa nagka-crush?”

Umiling siya.

“Walang crush, walang first love, walang anything?”

Umiling siya.

“Walang first kiss?”

He looked at me.

I grinned at him.

Lumapit ako sa kanya.

“Andrew, you whore…” I said as I grabbed his face. “Sinong hinalikan mo?”

He tried to get my hand away from his face, but I was far too curious to let him go.

“Wala,” he said as he continuously tried to get my hand away.

“Parang ’di naman friends,” I told him. “Sino nga? Kilala ko?”

“Wala nga.”

“Sige na. Alam mo na lahat sa ’kin. Share mo na. Sino? Ha? Sino?”

“Wala—”

“Fine. E ’di ako na lang maging first kiss mo,” I said as I quickly gave him a peck on the lips, before my brain could even process anything. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 50 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 35

Ako talaga ’yung problema.

Fuck.

Ano ba’ng nasa isip ko?!

‘Sorry.’

‘It’s fine.’

Nakapagsorry na ako.

Sabi niya, okay lang… pero taena, na-guilty talaga ako. Bakit ba kasi ’di ako nag-iisip minsan? Display lang ba talaga ang utak ko?! Ano ba ang naisip ko at bigla kong hinalikan si Andrew?! Given na peck lang ’yon, still, technically, first kiss niya ’yon!

Pero ano pa ba ang pwede kong gawin e sinabi na nga ni Andrew na okay lang? Baka mas ma-bwisit pa ’yon sa akin kapag kinulit ko siya while fully knowing na busy iyong tao. Gusto ko sanang i-offer iyong condo ko sa kanya kasi nagrerenovate pa rin ata iyong kapitbahay niya pero… baka traumatize pa siya sa ginawa ko sa kanya.

Tsk.

Taena ko rin talaga minsan.

“Okay ka lang?” James asked.

“Hmm? Yeah. Bakit?” he asked.

“Okay…” he said, still not convinced with my answer.

Nasa coffee shop kami ngayon para mag-all nighter dahil pare-pareho kaming makaka-tulog kapag sa condo lang kami nag-aral. At one point, ayoko sanang sumama kasi nandito si Andrew at kino-konsensya pa rin ako… on the other hand, kapag hindi ako sumama, sigurado ako na mag-aaya si James na sa condo ko na lang magreview.

Andrew and me in the condo?

Tsk.

Masyado pang fresh ang memory!

Ano pa ba ang pwede kong gawin bukod sa pagsosorry?!

Nang umalis si James para maglakad-lakad daw (which I highly doubted dahil kailan pa naglalakad-lakad ’yon? Sigurado ako tinatawagan na naman nun ’yung forever on-off straight situationship niya), naiwan kaming dalawa ni Andrew.

“Andrew,” I called.

“Bakit?” he replied habang nasa screen pa rin ng laptop niya iyong mata niya. For some reason, bigla akong napa-tingin sa labi niya. Tapos bigla kong na-realize kung ano iyong ginagawa ko. Taena mo, Franco! Kaibigan mo ’yan! Sasabi-sabi ka pa kay Joaquin na friends don’t kiss each other! Tapos kinuha mo pa first kiss ng kaibigan mo! Kaya ka kinakarma, e!

“Sorry ulit.”

“I already said it’s fine.”

“Alam ko, pero kahit na.”

“It’s not big deal.”

“Big deal ’yon.”

“Not for me.”

“Dapat sa first jowa mo ’yon.”

“Why?” he asked. “Ako rin ba first kiss niya?”

“Malay mo.”

“Aayawan niya ba ako dahil lang ’di siya ang first kiss niya?”

“Alam mo—” Bakit ba napaka-logical ng tao na ’to? Nakaka-pikon minsan. “Basta. Kahit na. Sorry talaga. Siguro talagang dapat hindi na ako uminom. Puro kabobohan ang nagagawa ko kapag umiinom ako.”

“That’s true.”

“Tsk. Tignan mo.”

“But you shouldn’t stop drinking because of me,” sabi niya habang nasa monitor pa rin ang mga mata. “Just drink in moderation.”

“Kahit na. Tignan mo beer lang naman ininom ko pero katangahan na agad iyong nagawa ko.”

“Why did you kiss me?” bigla niyang sabi.

Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko at naramdaman ko iyong paggapang ng panic sa buong katawan ko. Tignan mo! Ako nagbring up ng topic pero nung tinanong niya ako, nabigla pa ako! ’Di ko rin alam talaga kung ano trip ko, e.

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko kasi… bakit nga ba? Dahil lasing ako? Tinakasan ako ng common sense at the moment?

“Hindi ko alam. Walang dahilan,” I told him. “But now I feel even worse—I took your first kiss for no good reason.”

Andrew looked at me and then shrugged like he was done discussing this because it seemed like I was the only one stressing out about this.

“Sorry talaga,” sinabi ko ulit.

“It’s fine.”

“Important pa naman ang first kiss kasi once ka lang magkaka-first kiss. Sinumpa ko pa naman ’yung first kiss ko kasi ’di ganon kasaya tapos ganon din pala gagawin ko sa ’yo.”

Andrew looked at me like he was done with me. “Would it make you feel better if we’ll re-do the kiss?” he replied in a serious tone na para bang gagawin niya lahat para lang tumigil na ako dahil ayaw niya ng pag-usapan pa ’to.

Agad na napa-yakap ako sa sarili ko. “Di tayo talo!”

“You kissed me.”

“And we agreed na ’di na ako iinom dahil don!”

“Okay.”

“Pwede naman na burahin mo sa alaala mo ’yon tapos reset na lang.”

“Not possible,” he replied. “You are my first kiss.”

I groaned at saka sinandal ko iyong ulo ko sa lamesa dahil sa stress. Ano? Magiging responsable na ba ako ngayon sa kanya dahil first kiss niya ako? My god!

---

Pagbalik ni James, naka-ngisi lang siya. Nagpaka-tanga na naman si bobo. Tsk. Isa talaga ’tong cycle of abuse—hopefully ’di ako magaya sa kanya.

“Aalis ka?”

Napa-kunot ang noo ni James nang bigla niyang sabihin na aalis siya at medyo may pagpapanic sa boses ko. Bakit ba kasi ako nagpanic? Dahil lang kami ang maiiwan ni Andrew? E wala namang pakielam si Andrew. Bakit ko ba inooverthink ’yung three seconds kiss namin? Ilang beses niya na sinabi na wala lang ’yon.

“I mean,” I said as I adjusted myself on my seat. “Paki-sabi sa straight na situationship mo, hello.”

“May pangalan siya.”

“I refuse to learn his name.”

“Hater.”

“Talaga.”

“Pag ikaw bumalik din d’yan sa situationship mo.”

I immediately knocked on the table, but then I realized na hindi pala ’to wood. “Hayop ka.”

James just stuck out his tongue at saka iniwan kami ni Andrew. Taena talaga ’yon. Finals na pero inuna pa iyong kalandian niya. Talaga masama sa edukasyon ’yang mga lalaki. Nakaka-sira ng bright future.

Dahil ayoko naman na ma-awkward na rin sa akin si Andrew dahil sa ka-awkward-an ko, I decided na magfocus na lang din sa pagrereview. We stayed in the coffee shop for a long time—iyong tipo na naka-tig tatlo na kaming order ng kape. Ang bigat niya sa bulsa, but it’s finals—last push na for this semester.

Around 11PM, we decided na tama na—more like ako kasi sumasakit na iyong mata ko sa kaka-titig sa screen.

“Ang sakit ng likod ko,” reklamo ko habang naglalakad kami kasi naka-upo lang ako buong araw.

Napa-tingin ako kay Andrew nang biglang gumaan iyong backpack ko dahil hinatak niya pala pataas iyon para hindi mabigatan iyong likod ko.

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Okay lang,” I told him because he really didn’t have to do that.

“It’s fine,” he said as he kept on walking while he was still doing exactly that.

Pakiramdam ko dahil ’to sa guilty conscience ko kaya inooverthink ko na ang mga bagay-bagay… because honestly, Andrew’s always been like this. He’s that quiet but very reliable friend. He’s a man of few words, but lots of action. As in siya iyong tipo na siguro kung mahuhuli ako ng pulis (na ’wag naman sana), siya iyong tatawagan ko dahil alam ko na pupuntahan niya talaga ako (I mean, si James din naman for sure, pero kasi more chances na either nagpapaka-tanga siya sa straight situationship niya o kaya lasing si gago). More chances of winning lang talaga kay Andrew.

Kaya ang weird talaga na bigla akong naiilang e ganto naman talaga siya dati pa.

We were walking exactly just like that—magkatabi habang hawak-hawak niya iyong backpack ko. I tried to walk faster para bitiwan niya, but he just pulled me back. Medyo nagulat ako!

“Grabe—”

Pero natigilan ako nang bigla kong makita si Joaquin sa likuran namin.

Malamig na dahil 11PM na pero mas bigla akong nanlamig nang makita ko siya. He was looking at us, at me. I couldn’t read the expression on his face… or at least I was trying not to. Not my problem anymore, right? Gusto niya lang naman maging kaibigan ako… Most of the times, I do not overthink the facial expressions of my friends.

I gave him a small nod.

Kasi ’di naman ako bastos na bata.

Napa-tingin din si Andrew sa likuran ko. He just gave Joaquin a quick look and then turned his eyes back on me. He didn’t even say a word—naglakad lang ulit siya at dahil bitbit niya ang bag ko ay napa-lakad din ako kasabay niya.

“Thanks,” sabi ko nung medyo maka-layo na kami. “Pero… awkward ba?”

“Alin?”

“Kanina? Nung tinanguan ko lang siya? Dapat ba huminto muna ako para kausapin siya?”

Naka-tingin ako kay Andrew kasi hinihintay ko iyong sagot niya. “Why do you think you owe him anything?” diretsang sagot niya. Masyado naman ’tong straight to the point! Nasaan na ba iyong delulu na kaibigan ko?

“Hindi naman sa ganon pero… manners ba?”

“You nodded at him—not like you ignored him.”

“Kahit na.”

“Pwede ka namang bumalik kung gusto mo,” he said. I knew he meant like literally, but for some reason, parang may double meaning iyong sinabi niya.

“Ayokong bumalik pero alam mo ’yon?”

“Hindi,” sabi niya.

I groaned. “Nakaka-pikon ka talaga kausap minsan,” sabi ko sa kanya habang bitbit niya pa rin iyong bag ko. “I mean, kahit naman pangit ending namin, alam ko naman na may pakielam siya sa ’kin.”

“How come?”

“Basta.”

“You can’t provide concrete example?”

“Ano ’to? Thesis?”

“I just want to understand it better.”

“Ugh. Fine,” sabi ko. “I mean, tinutulungan niya ako sa mga assignment ko dati tapos lagi niya akong pinapakain at saka binibilhan ng kape,” dugtong ko tapos medyo napa-tigil ako kasi parang ang patay-gutom naman ng dating ko. “I mean, naging friends din naman kami kahit papano.”

“Didn’t he do those things because he was expecting something else from you?”

“That, too, pero ginusto ko rin naman.”

“Then everything was transactional,” he said. “He didn’t do those things because he cared about you—he just wanted something from you.”

“I know, but the fact that he still wanted to be friends—”

“Hindi ba ’yan ’yung sinasabi na ‘keeping you on the hook?’”

“San mo na naman narinig ’yan?” I asked and he shrugged. Tsk. “Hindi, ah. I mean, if iyon ang goal niya, e ’di sana ’di niya diretso sinabi sa ’kin na wala siyang feelings. He could’ve kept it vague kasi alam niya naman na kakapit ako sa vague answers niya.”

Hindi sumagot si Andrew.

We walked in silence—buti na lang din kasi napaisip ako sa mga sinabi niya. Feeling ko naman… feeling ko naman talagang gusto akong maging kaibigan ni Joaquin. Ako lang naman iyong pasaway na nagka-gusto sa kanya while fully knowing na hindi nga ’yon ang gusto niya—na nasa experimental phase lang talaga siya ng buhay niya.

“You think he’ll still want to be your friend even if he can’t get the benefits that he wants?”

“Oo. Kasi nga gusto niya lang maging friends.”

“Okay,” he said.

“Good,” sabi ko kasi ayoko na rin ’to pag-usapan. I stepped away from him para bitawan niya na iyong bag ko. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya at sakto na nahuli ko na naka-tingin na pala siya sa ’kin. “Tsk. Ano na naman?” I asked. Kairita ampota. Bakit ko ba kasi hinalikan ’to?! Naawkward tuloy ako sa mga ganitong wala lang naman dapat.

Tapos na-realize ko na nasa tapat na pala kami ng condo ko.

“Ah… Thanks,” sabi ko kasi medyo malayo pa ’yung condo niya. Usually, naghihiwalay na kami sa kabilang kanto para mas malapit siya sa condo niya. Tsk. Baka na-distract lang siya sa usapan namin. Bakit naman ako ihahatid nito?! Ano ako, baby?!

Ito ang parusa ko sa ginawa ko kay Andrew.

Araw-araw na ako mase-stress at mag-o-overthink.

“Okay,” he said. I was about to just give him a wave para magpaalam, pero medyo natigilan ako nang marahan niyang tapikin iyong tuktok ng ulo ko na para akong aso. It was an innocent gesture, pero dahil sa taenang kagaguhan ko, agad na naramdaman ko iyong pag-iinit ng mukha ko. Taena talaga! Wala na akong kapayapaan sa buhay ko!

**

This story is already at Chapter 53 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 36

“Please tell me na iinom tayo after ng finals kasi parang mamamatay na talaga ako,” reklamo ko kila James.

Last day na ng finals bukas pero parang mas mauuna pa akong matapos kaysa sa exams ko. Siguraduhin lang talaga ng school na ’to na may magandang kinabukasan na naghihintay sa akin kasi parang close to mental torture na iyong mga nangyayari ngayon.

“Duh,” sagot ni James.

“Siguraduhin mo lang na nandon ka,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“San naman ako pupunta?” I arched my brow at him. “Hindi nga.”

“Bakit? Bati na ulit sila ng girlfriend niya?”

James made a face at me. Pakiramdam ko makakarma ako sa mga ginagawa ko, pero naman kasi… alam ko naman iba-iba ang mga tao pero pakiramdam ko mas malakas naman ang resolve ko kaysa dito kay James. Kasi ilang beses ko ring naisip na i-text si Joaquin, pero lagi akong natatauhan. Basta kapag nagkaka-urge ako, pinapanood ko iyong video na sinend sa akin ni James. Saka sobrang effective na iniimagine ko na kapag nakaka-receive si Joaquin ng notification mula sa akin, na napapa-buntung hininga na lang siya—automatic napapa-bura ako ng kung anumang kadramahan ang tinype ko.

“Sa Friday, ha.”

“Oo nga,” sabi ni James. “Ano ka? Bata? Kailangan kasama palagi ako? Nandyan naman si Andrew.”

Biglang nanlaki ang mga mata ko bago ko pa ma-kontrol iyong facial expression ko. Agad na napa-kunot ang noo ni James. Mabuti na lang din at biglang tumunog iyong cellphone ko kaya nagkaroon ako ng excuse. Pero dahil mapagdudang tao si James, alam ko na medyo may hinala na siya.

Tsk.

Wala talaga akong katahimikan sa buhay na ’to—better luck next life na lang ba?

Without even bothering to look kung tungkol saan ba iyong notification, nagsabi ako sa kanila na lalabas muna ako para sagutin iyong tawag. I quickly walked out. Paglabas ko, at saka ko lang tinignan iyong cellphone ko.

It was a like notification from Instagram.

From Joaquin.

Liking the first ever post on my page.

Ano na naman ang problema ng tao na ’to?

I stared at the notification. Technically, sinunod naman niya iyong gusto ko… Sinabi ko sa kanya na ’wag muna akong kausapin. Hindi naman niya ginawa. Kahit nung huling nagkita kami, he just looked at me. Ngayon, naglike lang naman siya ng post niya. Still, it felt like he was… haunting me. That even without words, he wouldn’t leave me alone.

Paano ako makaka-move on gaya ng gusto niya kung hindi niya ako tatantanan?

I decided to once again hide my stories from him. I also restricted his account. I just needed to do this. I knew that in his head, he gave me this sembreak to ‘move on.’ Alam ko na pagdating ng second sem, babalik na naman kami sa dati.

Time’s ticking.

Kailangan kong magmove on.

---

Finally, natapos na rin iyong finals week namin. I was conflicted kung uuwi muna ako sa condo at matutulog… kaso sa level ng pagod ko, baka instead na powernap e bukas na ako magising. Sigurado ako na sasakalin ako ni James after I made a big deal about him ditching us for his straight situationship.

Instead, I decided to go out and treat myself to a nice dinner. Medyo masakit sa bulsa, pero deserve ko naman!

I was walking while checking my phone. ’Di ko pa alam kung saan ako kakain. My attention was half on my phone and half sa dinadaanan ko. Wala naman akong balak masagasaan. After ng lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, masasagasaan lang pala ako? Hayop na ’yan.

“So—”

Agad na napa-tigil ako sa pagsasalita nang mapansin ko na si Joaquin iyong nasa harapan ko. He looked… good. Well, yeah. Kahit naman nakaka-pikon siya most of the time, ’di naman ako in denial na gwapo talaga siya. Heck, he didn’t even look stressed. Parang ’di nagfinals si gago.

“Are you going later?” he asked.

“Org?” I asked kahit ’di ako sigurado kung ano ang pinag-uusapan namin. I mean, I did tell him na pwede niya pa rin akong kausapin if org matters. It was safe to guess na tungkol sa org iyong tanong niya.

“Yes. Sem ender.”

“Ah,” I replied with a small nod. “Baka hindi. May plan din ako with friends.”

It was true, though! Saka kahit wala naman akong plans with friends, ’di talaga ako pupunta don. Party sa bahay ni Joaquin ’yon. Saka ’di naman sa feelingero, pero baka kasi ma-awkward siya sa akin. Deserve din naman niyang magrelax after ng lahat ng nangyari this semester.

“Okay,” he said, which caught me off-handed… medyo. I guess I was just not used to Joaquin just rolling over. Mas sanay ako na ipipilit niya iyong gusto niya.

“Will you go to your province for the sembreak?” he asked after seconds of kinda awkward silence.

“Hindi ko pa sigurado,” sagot ko. “Ikaw?”

“Hongkong,” he replied. “I’ll be doing my internship there. I need to check some things out,” he added bago pa man ako makapagtanong. I mean… okay lang naman siguro magtanong. We did say that we’ll be friends.

I gave him a small nod.

Okay, what now?

Tapos na ba kami sa small talk namin?

“Don ka lang buong sembreak?” I asked kasi mukhang wala pa siyang balak umalis.

He nodded. “That’s the plan.”

“Enjoy ka don. See you next month,” I said, hoping that this was the end of this conversation.

Joaquin was just staring at me. I felt like a freaking petri dish under the microscope.

“Just…” he began. I looked at him. I hated that I was hanging on to every word that he’d say kahit na ilang beses kong sabihin sa utak ko na ’wag na, na para akong tanga. “Do what you have to do. I’ll see you next sem.”

I felt my heart constricting.

That’s his version of ‘i miss you,’ right?

He missed me… but he really didn’t want to be with me… so was this him begging me to move on quickly so that we can be friends again?

Wow.

“Yup,” I replied as I looked at him with the obviously forced smile on my face. “Will do what I have to do.”

I gave him a parting nod before I turned my back on him and walked away. That was barely a ten minute conversation but it was enough to ruin my mood for the entire night. Nawalan na rin ako ng gana kumain. Bumalik ako sa condo at nag-ayos para mauna na sa club.

Tonight, I will drink.

Tonight, I didn’t want to think about Joaquin.

Tonight, or at least after tonight, I really needed to move on.

---

I pre-gamed alone kasi ’di naman ganon kakapal ang mukha ko na magwalwal gamit ang alak na babayaran naming magkakaibigan. I was already half-way there when I arrived at the club—my friends could probably tell dahil sabi nila kapag lasing ako, sobrang touchy ko… I mean, I did get around last year. There’s probably a truth to it.

“San ka nag-inom?” I was asked.

My brain wasn’t fully cooperating—I forgot the name of the one who asked me. I mean, in my defense, I only see these people kapag nasa club kami. And I barely see them the past few months dahil naging org-school lang ang buhay ko.

“Condo,” I simply said as I was handed a glass of liquor. “James?”

He looked around. “Nandito lang kanina ’yon.”

“Boo. Iniwan na agad tayo,” I said.

“Boo,” sagot din niya. “Tayo na lang uminom tonight,” he continued as he offered me another glass of drink.

“Wait. Kaka-inom—” I said pero medyo natigilan ako nang makita ko si Andrew na naglalakad pabalik sa table namin. I drew a deep breath as I snatched the glass and downed it in one go. “Fuck,” I breathed as I felt the alcohol burning down my throat.

“Nice!” he said as he grabbed my hand and dragged me with him towards the dance floor.

The next minutes—or maybe hours—felt like a daze.

I closed my eyes and tried to turn my mind off for a minute—just a minute. I just needed to enjoy and have fun or else, I was afraid that I’d finally lose my shit because of everything that was happening.

I just… needed to let loose.

Kahit ngayong gabi lang.

But after a while, I excused myself—not that I had much choice dahil may kahalikan na iyong kasama ko. I didn’t even know how that happened, but good for him. Hindi naman ako cockblock kaya iniwan ko na silang dalawa. Wala akong balak maging audience nila.

I tried to get past everyone. I wanted to go out to get some semblance of fresh air. Nang maka-labas ako, dumiretso ako sa may gilid ng club. Rinig na rinig ko pa rin iyong malakas na tugtog pero at least ngayon, hindi na ako parang mabibingi.

I sat on the stoop at saka nilabas ko iyong vape ko. I quietly enjoyed my watermelon-flavored air.

I didn’t know for how long I was sitting there. It was nice to turn my mind off for a minute and just think about nothing. But my respite was short-lived as I heard footsteps approaching. I looked at the source of the invasive sound and saw Andrew.

I gave him a small nod.

Thankfully, I was drunk enough.

“Gusto mo ng umuwi?” he asked. I knew him enough to know that this was him saying na gusto niya ng umuwi. I actually never knew kung bakit siya sumasama sa amin ni James. He obviously didn’t enjoy the club scene. Probably deep inside, I knew na sumasama lang siya sa amin dahil inaalagaan niya kami ni James—he probably felt responsible for us.

Instead, I tapped the empty space beside me.

“I have a question,” I said.

He looked at me and gave a small nod. Hindi ko agad naitanong iyong gusto kong tanungin. I gave myself the chance to look at him—to properly look at him. I knew Andrew looked good—I just never really dwell on it kasi bakit ko naman iisipin ’yon? But now that I’m looking at him, I realized that he has long and tick lashes na para siyang naka-beautiful eyes palagi. His facial features also made him look harmless—but then again, based on experience, never judge a book by its cover. Medyo matagal ko na ring kaibigan si Andrew, pero parang ang dami ko pang hindi alam tungkol sa kanya.

“Bakit lagi kang sumasama sa amin ni James?” I asked. “I mean, sa inuman. Obviously, ’di ka naman nag-e-enjoy uminom.”

Now that I think about it, he’s almost always the designated driver—tiga-alaga ng mga lasing niyang kaibigan.

“I drink.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I enjoy your company,” he said. “If not for you and James, lagi lang akong mag-aaral.”

Natawa ako. “You’re welcome?”

He gave a small nod. Natahimik na naman kami.

“Pero good to know,” I said.

“Why?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “Just… I don’t know. For a minute, I thought may crush ka sa ’kin.”

It was probably the alcohol—probably.

Or my mind begging me to ask some of the questions that’s been plaguing it dahil baka isang araw ay masiraan na talaga ako ng bait.

“Pero at least clear na na nag-e-enjoy ka lang talaga na kasama kami,” dugtong ko. “Bad influence ba kami ni James sa goody-two-shoes na kagaya mo?”

I did ask him a question, but when I looked at him to check as to why I hadn’t received an answer yet, I caught him staring at me.

“What?” I asked, a bit caught off-guard when I saw the ‘serious’ expression on his face.

“Bakit mo naisip na may crush ako sa ’yo?” he asked like he’s really curious.

“I mean, not really na naisip ko na as in convinced ako na may crush ka sa ’kin.”

Fuck.

Ano ba ’yung sinasabi ko?!

Every time, I’d say na hindi na ako iinom pero taena alcoholic ba ako?! ’Di na ako nadala sa mga katangahan na sinasabi ko kapag naka-inom ako.

“Okay,” he replied. “Pero bakit sumagi sa isip mo?”

“Wala lang.”

“I’m just curious.”

I groaned. “Fine,” I said. “Sasagutin ko, pero after tonight, ’di na natin ulit pag-uusapan.”

“Deal.”

I drew a deep breath and wished na may hawak akong alak ngayon.

I began listing down the reasons as to why I thought he had a crush on me— all the little things he’d do.

“But you know, you’re really just a good person,” I said at the end. “Caring friend ka lang talaga. Ganyan ka naman sa ’min ni James.” Napa-tingin ako sa kanya at napansin ko na bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo niya. “What?” I asked.

“Ganon ba kapag may crush?”

“Ha? ’Di ba feeler lang ako? Caring friend ka lang talaga.”

“I don’t do those things for James,” he said. Naka-tingin siya sa akin. For some reason, the beating inside my chest began to quicken kahit hindi pa naman siya ulit nagsasalita. “I only do those things for you,” he continued. “Does that mean na may crush ako sa ’yo?” he asked like he was really asking me a question and he wanted to know if those meant that he had some… feelings for me.

“Hindi ko alam.”

I didn’t want to give him an answer.

He needed to figure it out himself.

Why the fuck were we having this conversation?

“Paano ko malalaman?” he asked.

I shrugged.

“Paano mo nalaman dati na may feelings ka kay Joaquin?”

Napa-hithit ako ng vape ko dahil sa mga lumalabas sa bibig niya.

“Di ko alam,” sagot ko. “Probably when he first kissed me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. There. Nahalikan mo na naman ako. No big deal. Ibig sabihin hindi mo talaga ako crush. You need to be around more people—”

Napa-tigil ako sa pagsasalita nang mapansin ko na napunta iyong tingin niya sa labi ko. He’s probably only looking there dahil nagsasalita ako.

“What?” I asked when I felt unnerved with the way he was looking.

“But that was just a peck,” sagot niya. “You said so yourself.”

Napa-hithit na naman ako. Alam ko na ayaw niya ng binubugahan siya ng usok dahil secondhand smoke ’yon, pero dahil nabu-bwisit ako sa mga tanong niya, binuga ko sa mukha niya iyong usok.

“Tangina naman. Uwi na nga tayo,” I said as I tried to stand up, but Andrew held my wrist kaya napa-upo ulit ako. “Ano—”

“Can we kiss again?” he asked. “I need to confirm something.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 54 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 37

“No,” I replied as I tried to stand up again. But it felt as though gravity was trying to sabotage me dahil mabilis na napa-upo ulit ako… only this time, Andrew caught me. I instinctively held my breath dahil sa lapit naming dalawa sa isa’t-isa.

“Why not?” he asked while we were this close to each other.

“Because we’re friends,” I told him.

“As a friend, help me,” sabi niya. “If I don’t get this answered, I’ll always think about this—like an itch that I cannot scratch. Do you understand how frustrating that will be?”

I looked at him. Andrew’s a good guy… but damn, he could be frustrating at times! Bakit pa ba ako nagtaka? Hindi naman namin magiging kaibigan ni James ’to kung 100% na mabait lang ’to. Of course may times na gusto ko na lang din siyang itulak palabas ng umaandar na sasakyan—this instance included.

My legs were giving out. I sat on the stoop again. Rinig na rinig ko pa rin iyong malakas na tugtog ng club. We were facing each other. I could see in his eyes that he wouldn’t let this go—or at least this will be the itch that he couldn’t scratch… and fine, I did understand him. It was like me when I was thinking kung papayag ba ako sa proposal ni Joaquin maging fwb. Kung hindi ako papayag, I will forever think about how it feels like to be with him.

And fuck me.

Dahil ngayon na alam ko na, ang problema ko naman ay paano siya kakalimutan.

“Fine,” I told him. “Don’t be awkward around me.”

“You’re the one who’s awkward around me.”

“Hindi—” I paused. “Fine. Pero paanong hindi ako mawwkward e friends tayo tapos gusto mo halikan kita? Okay ka lang?”

He shrugged.

Tsk. Sarap sakalin din nito.

“Fine,” I said once again. “One kiss. Hindi natin pag-uusapan after. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Fuck. Nagsisi ako na wala akong dalang alak dito sa labas ng club. Kung meron lang akong dala, tutunggain ko ’yon bago gawin ’tong gagawin namin ni Andrew. Ang haba namang mental breakdown nitong nangyayari sa akin! Months na!

Instead, humithit muna ulit ako sa may vape ko. Mabuti na lang din at nasa gilid kami dahil taena wala naman akong balak magbigay ng free live show sa mga tao dito—but then again, I doubted if people would care. Daming nagmomol dito.

Tumingin ako kay Andrew at saka huminga nang malalim. Bakit ba kabadong-kabado ako?! ’Di naman pangit si Andrew—not at all. I’d kissed more questionable-looking creatures when I was drunk.

“Okay. Testing lang,” I said as I leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the lips. Nang ilayo ko iyong mukha ko sa kanya, nakita ko na naka-tingin lang din siya sa akin.

That went well.

Humithit ulit ako ng vape.

Tumingin ako kay Andrew. I leaned in and kissed him once again. I knew he would complain kapag peck na naman iyong ginawa ko. I tried to deepen the kiss a bit more, but as I leaned in, umatras din iyong ulo niya. I grabbed the back of his head and held him in place. I began to nibble on his lower lip. I was doing everything slowly… hindi ko na alam kung dahil ba kinakabahan ako o dahil aware na aware ako na kaibigan ko siya at hindi namin dapat ginagawa ’to…

I’d lost the plot already.

“Okay na—” I said as I tried to back off dahil… kiss na ’yon na hindi peck. Nagawa ko na ’yung gusto niyang mangyari.

But before I could even finish my sentence, he grabbed my face with both hands. He leaned in. Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. But as he was an inch away from my lips, he abruptly stopped. He looked at me like he was asking for permission bago niya ako halikan. I couldn’t think straight—parang umiikot iyong ulo ko, iyong buong mundo ko. I couldn’t even reason inside my head that I just… nodded.

Andrew didn’t think twice after he saw my nod. He leaned in and completely bridged the gap between our lips.

‘Tangina,’ yan lang ang paulit-ulit na naiisip ko habang hinahalikan niya ako. It was not like the kiss earlier where I was the one in control—or at least I pretended to be in control. This time, he was the one kissing me. And I’d think it was a cute attempt only if I weren’t very much aware that my friend was kissing me!

Na si Andrew ’to!

Andrew na kaibigan ko mula first year ng college na lagi kong kasama!

Fuck!

“Aww—” I instinctively said when he bit my lip.

“Sorry,” he quickly said as he brushed his thumb across my lip.

Fuck.

FUCK.

But before I could even think or say anything, he was kissing me again. This time, he was kissing me slowly… like he was doing an experiment on what works, on what feels good. And I’d always known that Andrew’s smart, so of course he quickly figured out what felt good—he began kissing me deeply that he had to hold my head firmly because of how deep the kiss was. He also quickly learned how to fucking french kiss. I mean, Andrew’s not some innocent human that I always thought him to be. Of course alam niya ’to—sa dami ba naman ng kalaswaan na narinig niya sa amin ni James. He knew all these in theory… only now, he’s applying it—to me, his fucking friend!

Tangina.

’Di na kami makakabalik sa pagiging friends nito!

I didn’t even know for how long we were kissing. At one point, I was like ‘fuck it—friendship’s already ruined anyway’ at binitawan ko iyong vape ko to pull him close to me.

So, we were there on the stoop… two friends just going at it for probably minutes that definitely felt like hours.

---

We made out outside the club.

For some reason, we ended up in my condo.

‘Friendship officially fucking ruined,’ was all I could think about… at least during the times that I could think because most of the time, I could not think—not when I was very much aware of Andrew’s every touch.

“No,” I said as I felt his hand on top of my dick.

“No?” he asked.

Umiling ako. “Your first time should be with someone you’re in a relationship with,” sabi ko sa kanya. Ninakaw ko na nga iyong first kiss niya, pati ba naman ’to? Hindi naman ako ganon kagago.

“I’m not a conservative,” he said. “I don’t follow that ideology.”

“Still,” I replied as I panted for air—very much aware that my fucking friend’s hovering on top of me. I didn’t even want to think as to how we ended up in this position! “At least do it with someone you like.”

The air felt heavy.

I very much wanted to avert my gaze.

“Okay,” he said tapos napa-tingin siya sa may pantalon niya.

Fuck.

Hindi na talaga kami magiging normal friends kasi taena never naman ako tinigasan sa friend ko?! Kasi nga friend?!

“Do you…” I said as I averted my gaze kasi taena hindi ako makapaniwala na lalabas sa bibig ko ’to. “Need help?”

“You mean do I need a hand?”

Agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya at nanlaki iyong mga mata ko kasabay ng pagpula ng buong mukha ko. ’Di ko lang alam kung nakikita niya dahil medyo madilim sa condo ko. We quickly went at it the moment we stepped inside na ni hindi ko nabuksan iyong ilaw. Only the dim light from the lampshade was illuminating the room.

“So, it’s okay for us to kiss, not okay to have sex, and it’s okay for you to jerk me off?” he asked. His tone was serious—na para bang nagtatanong lang talaga siya sa akin at humihingi ng confirmation. Taena, nababaliw na ako sa mga tanong niya na parang inosent naman pero taena talaga!

“Ewan ko sa ’yo—”

I tried to stand up para sana kumuha ng tubig pero ni hindi ako naka-tayo dahil inabot ni Andrew iyong kamay ko. Agad na bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko.

My hand just hovered on top of his dick. Andrew looked at me like he was asking for permission kung okay lang ba na ipatong niya iyong kamay ko doon. My heart was doing a fucking race inside my fucking chest.

I looked at him and gave him a nod. I mean, fuck it. Friendship’s ruined already anyway—what’s a little hand job between friends at this point?!

It was probably because it was already past 3AM… Wala ng masyadong ingay sa paligid… Pero rinig na rinig ko iyong pagbaba ng zipper mula sa pantalon ni Andrew. I also could hear him as he held his breath. I was staring at the ceiling as I held him around my hand. Yup. I was officially holding my friend’s penis in my hand.

Naka-tingin pa rin ako sa may kisame. I began to move my hand… slowly at first because… this was crazy! But then I felt Andrew’s hands on top of mine—as if he was guiding my hand. Before I could even use my useless brain, agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya.

And… fuck.

Right there and then, I knew that this image would forever be imprinted in my brain—the lids on his eyes looked heavy with desire as he looked at me; his swollen lips slightly parted; his chest heaving; his hair slightly damped with sweat.

And then the pace of our hands picked up.

My pants also started to feel tight.

Andrew was biting on his lips, and for some reason, I gave him my free arm to bite on. I winced in pain as he bit deeper when he finally came in my hand.

“Congrats. You’re a very healthy male,” I said as I grabbed a bunch of tissue and wiped my very sticky hand. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya habang pinupunasan ko iyong kamay ko. Our eyes met… and for some fucking reason, we began to laugh like the lunatics we probably were.

Kumuha din si Andrew ng tissue. Para lang kaming gago habang tumatawa habang pinupunasan iyong kamay namin. Napa-tingin siya sa may pantalon ko. I grabbed a pillow and covered it. Baka mabaliw na talaga ako kung gagawa pa kami ng handjob part 2.

“Uuwi ka na?” I asked when he stood up. Tumango siya. “Ah… pwede naman na dito ka na muna,” I continued. I mean, I was just being a good friend! Madaling-araw na kaya. Kahit na relatively safe naman sa neighborhood namin, still, you’ll never know.

“I don’t want you to feel awkward,” sabi niya.

“Hindi naman,” mabilis na sabi ko sa kanya. “Just that… alam mo ’yung kapag first time mong ginawa ’yung isang bagay na ’di mo naman ginagawa, suddenly, you don’t know how to act? Ganon lang ’yon.”

He just gave a little nod.

“Do you feel awkward?” I had to ask.

Umiling siya.

“Good,” sabi ko. I didn’t want him to feel awkward—kahit ako na lang. “Isipin mo na lang, my hands are for all,” I said in jest. After all, alam naman ni Andrew iyong walwal phase ko nung first year. He wasn’t a stranger to all my drunken stories.

But then I took a good look at his face.

“I don’t think that,” he said. “I never thought about you like that at all.”

The air felt heavy once again—only this time, it was for a completely different reason.

“What you do or do not do will never define you—to me, you’ll always be Franco, the person I feel the most comfortable to be around.” 

**

This story is already at Chapter 56 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 38

I honestly didn’t know exactly how we ended up in this situation, pero madalas na sa condo ko tumatambay si Andrew. I kept on telling myself na friends pa rin naman kami and I was just doing him a favor dahil may renovation pa rin sa kapitbahay niya. Honestly, may bahay naman siya na pwede niyang uwian… I just didn’t want to ask the question dahil baka kung ano ang sabihin niya sa akin.

Besides, wala naman kaming ginagawang kung anuman. Sembreak namin but he’s busy doing something for his internship. Speaking of internship, lahat ba ng kakilala ko e may plano na sa buhay? Ako lang ba talaga ang wala?

“Andrew,” I called.

Tumingin siya sa akin. Naka-upo pa rin siya sa sahig at nasa may coffee table iyong laptop niya. Bakit ba ’di na lang ako gaya niya na Andrew na magaling sa computer? Feeling ko future secured na agad ako kung gaya niya ako na Computer Science iyong degree. Gusto ko naman iyong degree ko kaso kapag arts related, medyo fickle talaga. Hindi naman ako mapapa-kain ng passion.

“Tingin mo magshift ako ng degree?” I asked.

“Bakit? Ayaw mo na ba?”

“Hindi naman. Kaso bigla akong napa-isip sa future ko,” I replied and then told him about my worries and fear na baka bigla akong bumalik sa probinsya namin. Iyon talaga ang pinaka-malaking issue ko—kung babalik ako sa probinsya namin na bahag ang buntot. Alam mo ’yon? That after trying everything to leave that place, at the end of it all, doon din pala ang bagsak ko?

But as I was telling my story, biglang napa-sabi na rin ako sa kanya tungkol sa pamilya ko. Ang unang instinct ko ay ang bawiin iyong sinabi ko kasi… ewan. Ayoko na kapag nakikita nila ako, naiisip nila na may mga ganito akong problema sa buhay. I just didn’t want them to look at me and see all the baggages I carry.

But this is Andrew.

I just felt like it’s okay to tell him this… to telling him about the things that worry me.

For a couple of minutes, I just kept on talking na para bang nasa free therapy session ako. I appreciated Andrew for just listening to me. After that, lumabas na muna ako para magvape.

“Bakit?” I asked nang pagbalik ko ay paupuin niya ako sa tabi niya.

Andrew showed me his screen. Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko habang pinapaliwanag niya sa akin kung paano niya ako ginawan ng tracker ng subjects and grades ko para makita ko kung ano ang pwede kong i-adjust para makuha iyong desired GWA ko. May ginawa rin siya na tracker ng mga pwede kong pag-applyan na internship—with priority list kung ano ang pinaka-maganda sa resume based on his ‘quick’ search. The fuck! Nagvape lang ako sa labas! Gaano ba ako katagal nawala?

Naka-tingin ako kay Andrew, hindi alam ang sasabihin kasi… what the hell? I was literally just talking for the sake of talking kasi minsan nakaka-pagod mag-overthink. Hindi ko naman akalain na gagawin niya ’to.

“Thank you,” I said because I really had to. “Pero… ’di mo naman kailangang gawin.”

“I know,” he replied. “I told you I just like doing things for you.”

For some reason, I felt this pang in my chest.

Pinapaasa ko ba siya? But kissing him and letting him stay over in my condo? Kagaya ko lang din ba si Joaquin? Doing all these things while repeatedly telling him that we’re just friends?

Dread filled my system.

Fuck.

“Birthday ni Mama,” bigla niyang sabi. “Gusto mong sumama? Dinner lang naman.”

Mabilis akong umiling. “Ayoko. Family gathering niyo ’yan. Saka bigla kang magdadala ng stranger.”

“Kilala kayo ni Mama,” sagot ni Andrew. “Pero kung ayaw mo, okay lang naman.”

I felt guilt.

Mas malala ba ako kay Joaquin? At least ako hindi naman inosenteng virgin nung ginulo niya ang sistema ko. I was literally the devil corrupting this angel. Taena talaga. Dapat ba umuwi na ako sa probinsya namin? Deserve ko naman ata magdusa ng ilang linggo.

---

Nang umalis si Andrew para puntahan iyong birthday ng Mama niya, mabilis akong kumuha ng ilang mga gamit ko. Uuwi muna ako sa amin kasi taena pakiramdam ko talaga kung nandito lang kaming dalawa ni Andrew sa condo ko, at one point, sasapian ako ng katangahan ko at may magagawa na talaga akong bagay na pagsisisihan ko.

I was already in the bus on my way to the province nang magtext ako kay Andrew.

‘Hiii. Bigla akong pinauwi sa province. Feel free to stay sa condo ko. See you next sem!’

Then I put my phone on DND kasi taena talaga, everyone should leave me alone at this point!

Natulog lang ako buong byahe. It was a nice rest from all the overthinking na ginagawa ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pagdating ko sa probinsya namin, medyo na-miss ko rin naman pala. Sumakay ako ng jeep at saka tricycle.

“Wow, thanks, Lord!” nasabi ko na lang.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, na-realize ko na tahimik. I mean, tahimik naman talaga usually, pero alam mo ’yon? Walang mabigat na energy. Nagtext ako sa nanay ko at tinatanong kung nasan sila. Apparently, nasa cruise pala sila kasama iyong mga ka-group nila. Tsk. Sana all nagccruise.

Medyo na-guilty ata sila na nag-effort ako umuwi tapos wala sila kaya pinadalhan nila ako ng pera. ’Di ko rin gets parents ko… dati ayaw niya akong pag-aralin sa Manila pero ngayon, parang na-e-enjoy naman nila na wala ako. Baka kami lang talaga iyong tipo na mas okay kami kapag less interaction? Kasi kapag nasa iisang bahay talaga kami gusto ko na lang magheadbang lagi.

Namili ako ng pagkain ko. Medyo nanibago ako kasi ang mura ng mga bilihin dito kaysa sa Manila na in a blink of an eye, ubos agad ang one thousand pesos ko.

For the first few days, nasa bahay lang ako at nanonood ng kung anu-ano sa Netflix… Then I got bored. Tinignan ko iyong sinend sa akin ni Andrew para sa internship ko. He already explained this to me, pero ’di ata ako nakikinig dahil mas nagfocus ako sa overthinking ko kung kino-corrupt ko ba talaga siya.

And for the first time in few days, I actually did check my notifications.

‘If you feel uncomfortable, uuwi na lang ako sa bahay namin. Wag ka na umuwi sa province niyo.’

I knew this was coming—hindi naman manhid si Andrew. Of course he’d think that lalo na at kaka-sabi ko pa lang sa kanya na as much as possible, ayoko umuwi sa amin. But at that time, it felt like the most logical thing to do.

I could lie to him and tell him na hindi iyon ’yon but why bother? I’d just be insulting his intellect if I try to do that.

Instead, I decided to call James.

“San ka?” I asked him.

“Bahay lang. Bakit?”

“Wala kang plan?”

“Depende.”

“Punta kayo ni Andrew? Wala parents ko. Wala akong kasama sa bahay.”

“Alam na ni Andrew? Siya ba magda-drive? Layo niyan, e. Tinatamad akong magdrive.”

“Hindi pa. Ikaw na tumawag sa kanya. Send ko address sa inyo kung tutuloy kayo.”

“Bakit hindi ikaw tumawag?”

“Ikaw na.”

“Nag-away ba kayo?” he asked. I knew it. I knew he’d ask this at some point.

“Hindi, ah,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Message mo na lang ako kung tuloy ba o iiyak na ako sa pagka-bored dito.”

Pumunta ako sa Instagram ko. I was just scrolling hanggang mapunta ako sa may explore page. Nananadya ata ’tong Instagram dahil bigla kong nakita iyong mukha ni Joaquin. I mean, it was a group pic posted by someone else. I hated that my eyes were trained to immediately spot him.

My finger automatically clicked on his username. I immediately saw the follow back button. I didn’t click on it pero hindi ko naman din kailangan dahil naka-public na bigla iyong account niya. There was no new photo pero may stories siya. I immediately went to the browser and used the anonymous viewer. There were a couple of IG stories—there was a food pic, him in a yacht party, him in a club—basically just him living the life and having fun.

Yeah, that looked about right.

That’s where he actually belongs.

I doubted if he’d still be interested in me next sem—I was right na makaka-hanap din siya ng iba doon sa Hongkong kapag nag-internship na talaga siya. He was just probably being nice to me when he said na hindi siya maghahanap ng iba habang naka-internship siya. Bakit ba naniwala pa ako? Hindi naman ito iyong first time na may lalaking nagsabi na ‘bibilhan kita dapat pero’ o kaya naman ’pupuntahan dapat natin ‘yon pero.’ Taenang puro pero ’yan.

But thankfully, I was pulled back into reality when I saw Andrew’s name on the notification.

‘You sure na okay lang pumunta ako dyan?’

‘Yup unless ayaw mo akong makita.’

‘Ayaw talaga magdrive ni James,’ he replied instead.

‘Iwan mo sa gas station sa expressway.’

He just reacted with the exclamation mark.

---

Medyo matagal din iyong byahe nila kaya sigurado ako na gutom na sila pagdating nila dito. Naghanda na ako ng pagkain nila. I also cleaned the guest room. Nag-ikot-ikot din ako para i-check kung may CCTV camera ba dito sa loob ng bahay namin. Wala naman bukod doon sa may labas. Nagsabi na rin ako sa kanila na may pupuntang kaibigan ako dito kasi kahit ’di ko naman sabihin e sigurado ako na may mga chismosang kapitbahay ang magrereport sa kanila.

“Leche, ang layo naman nito!”

“Kung makapagreklamo ka, ikaw ba ang nagdrive?” sabi ko kay James.

“Hoy gising din ako buong drive. Alangan namang tulugan ko si Andrew? Baka paggising ko nasa langit na ako.”

“Langit?” sabay kaming napa-sabi ni Andrew.

“Alam niyo, pakyu kayong dalawa.”

Kumain sila ng dinner tapos si James, akala mo talaga siya iyong nagdrive kasi nagsabi siya na matutulog na siya agad. Tinulungan ako ni Andrew na maglinis ng pinagkainan namin. It was a bit… weird. Or ako lang ang nagpapa-weird?

“Kamusta birthday ng Mama mo?” I asked just to fill the silence.

“Okay naman,” he replied. “Mag-isa ka lang dito simula nung umuwi ka?”

I nodded. “Nasa cruise pala sila.”

“Hindi ka sinabihan?”

“Hindi pero okay lang din.”

Andrew looked like he didn’t approve na ’di man lang ako sinabihan ng parents ko na nasa galaan sila. I mean… gets. Alam ko naman na dapat alam ko rin ’yon. Ayoko na lang isipin. Dagdag stress pa.

“Tintry kong gamitin ’yung sa tracker pero medyo nalito ako,” I said instead.

He nodded. “Turuan kita after nito.”

I nodded, too.

We finished cleaning the dishes. After that, doon kami sa may bandang labas kasi malamig iyong hangin. Naglabas ako ng mainit na kape. ’Di naman na kami tinatablan nito kaya okay lang kahit gabi na.

Andrew was very patient habang tinuturuan niya ako. I also asked him tungkol sa application niya ng internship niya. Apparently, he was invited.

“Naks, big time naman pala,” tukso ko sa kanya. “Wag mo kaming kakalimutan pag mayaman ka na.”

“You know I won’t,” he replied.

The way he said those words made me panic na bigla akong napa-inom sa kape na hindi ko man lang naisip na bagong kulo pa iyong tubig na ginamit ko. Mabilis akong napaso. Andrew quickly cupped my face and inspected my lips.

Ako? Rinig na rinig ko iyong malakas na tibok ng puso ko.

Narinig din ba niya? Kasi naka-tingin na rin siya sa akin.

I tried to pull back, but he quickly held my head back in place.

“Franco,” he called. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. “You told me to do it with someone I like.”

Para akong mabibingi sa bilis ng kabog ng dibdib ko.

“What if I like you?” he asked. “Can I do that? Can I like you?”

**

This story is already at Chapter 58 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 39

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot sa tanong niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tamang sagot—kung may tamang sagot ba. Clearly, alam ko sa sarili ko na may feelings pa ako kay Joaquin. I’d be the biggest asshole in the world kung sasabihin ko kay Andrew na okay lang despite the fact na aware ako na may hangups pa ako sa ibang tao.

But how do I tell him that?

I didn’t want to hurt him… I knew how it felt to be rejected—both directly and impliedly. The sting never lessen. Rejection is rejection no matter how you dress it up.

“Alam mo naman na nagmomove on pa ako,” I said, trying to sound casual about it all. “Remember ’yung sa video ko na umiiyak?”

He just looked at me. I tried to make myself comfortable even though I knew that we were about to have an honest but uncomfortable conversation. I guess I did this to myself when I opened the pandora’s box and decided to kiss him.

“Mukha bang video ’yon ng taong makaka-move on agad?”

“Sabi niyo dati, the best way to move on is to find someone else.”

“Sinasabi lang namin ’yon,” I said. “Take James for example—mukha bang makaka-move on ’yon during this decade?”

“Does that mean matagal ka rin bago maka-move on?”

“Who knows?” I honestly replied. “But the point still stands—hindi pa rin ako nakaka-move on. Ayokong gamitin ka kasi at best, rebound lang mangyayari dito. ’Di mo deserve. Gets mo naman, ’di ba?”

Hindi agad siya nagsalita. He was just looking at me like he was trying to understand the situation. I gave him the silence that he needed. Inabot ko iyong kape ko at tahimik na hinipan iyon at naghintay ng tamang panahon para hindi na ako mapaso.

“So, there’s no timeline?”

“Wala.”

“Then who can say kung baka next week or next month naka-move on ka na?”

Bahagyang napaawang ang labi ko. “Yes but—”

“Then just let me like you. I’ll worry about myself.”

“But—”

“You don’t even have to like me back,” he said. “I’m in college. If any, isn’t this the best time to fall in love and get hurt and know myself?” he continued. For some reason, I felt like this wasn’t the Andrew that I know. He just sounded so… different. But I guess I never just really paid much attention to him before—never saw him in this light before.

“Pero pano naman ako?” sabi ko. “What if hindi talaga ako magka-gusto sa ’yo? E ’di nawalan pa ako ng kaibigan? ’Di ba unfair din sa ’kin ’yan?”

Andrew looked at me and smiled fondly. “I don’t know how I can explain this but… I just understand you,” he said. “And for that, I promise you that you’ll never lose me—because whatever you’ll decide to do, I know I can understand you.”

Bahagya akong natawa.

“Soulmates, ganon?”

He shrugged. “Or maybe we were brothers in our past lives.”

I groaned. “Kadiri. After ng lahat ng pinaggagawa natin?!”

Natawa siya. For the rest of the night, we did talk about soulmates and soul ties. Andrew was surprisingly knowledgeable about them… which was weird because I never thought of him to be one who’s interested in things like that.

I guess… marami pa talaga akong hindi alam tungkol sa kanya.

---

Mabuti na lang talaga at inimbita ko na pumunta sa amin sina James at Andrew dahil nag-enjoy talaga ako sa lahat ng ginawa namin. Ang dami naming napuntahan na never ko pa napuntahan before—sinabihan pa ako ni James na wala akong kwentang tourguide. Kapal talaga ng mukha! E wala naman siyang ginawa kung hindi kumain at gumala. Kaming dalawa kaya ni Andrew ang nagluluto at naglilinis lagi.

“Franco,” pagtawag ni James sa akin.

Nasa gas station kami. Lumabas si Andrew para bumili ng tubig kasi kanina pa nagrereklamo iyong prinsesa na kasama namin na dehydrated na raw siya.

“Bakit? Ano na naman kailangan mo?”

“Ano’ng trip mo?” he asked. Agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya sa may rearview mirror dahil seryoso iyong tono ng boses niya. I didn’t even have to ask kung ano iyong sinasabi niya dahil alam ko naman.

It was… a bit obvious—at hindi naman bulag si James. Andrew became a bit more… touchy. Hindi naman sobra, pero minsan inaalalayan niya ako. I guessed the touch lingered a bit longer compared to before. ’Di naman kasi kami ganon dati kaya siguro napansin din ni James. If roles were reversed, mapapansin ko rin. Lagi kaya kami magkakasamang tatlo.

“Di ko rin alam,” seryosong sagot ko sa kanya. “Pero gets naman niya.”

“Bahala ka.”

“Alam ko,” sabi ko tapos napa-sandal ako sa may headrest. “Galit ka?”

“Di naman pero… alam mo ’yon? Gago, first love ka ba niya?”

“Oo ata—” sabi ko tapos napa-aray ako kasi sinipa niya iyong likuran ng upuan ko.

“Gago ka. In the event of divorce, kay Andrew ako sasama.”

“Feeler ampota. Mas matanda ka pa sa ’min ni Andrew.”

“Ilang buwan lang!”

“Lolo.”

Nagtatalo kami ni James sa kung sino ang may backache na agad nang maka-balik na si Andrew. Inabutan niya si James nung tubig niya at saka chichirya at tinapay. Dumila pa sa akin si James. Parang bata talaga minsan.

“Thanks,” sabi ko nang abutan ako ni Andrew ng tubig at saka paracetamol. Wow. Dahil lang nabanggit ko kanina na medyo masakit iyong ulo ko?

I slept for the rest of the drive back to Manila. Nagising ako nung huminto kami para i-drop off si James. Then Andrew drove me back to the condo.

“Okay na ba ’yung sa kapitbahay mo?” I remembered to ask.

He nodded. “Lilipat na ako kung hindi pa rin.”

Natawa ako. “Pwede ka naman sa condo ko tumambay kung hindi pa rin.”

“Talaga?”

I nodded. “Yup.”

“Okay,” he said.

“Ingat pauwi,” I told him. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. “Ah, ano pala.” Huminga ako nang malalim. “Kinausap ako ni James.”

“Ako rin.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Kailan?!”

“Last week.”

“Last week pa?!” He nodded. “Ano’ng tinanong sa ’yo?”

“Kung ano daw meron sa ’tin.”

“Ano’ng sinabi mo?”

“Wala.”

For some reason, I felt bad. But… technically, tama naman iyong sinabi niya. Wala namang label ’to. Taena. Sumpa ba ’to sa buhay ko?!

I looked at Andrew. “Gusto mo bang lagyan ng label?” I asked him.

Ewan ko ba. Kapag tinitignan ko si Andrew, parang naiisip ko na ‘I have to do this right’ kasi ’di niya deserve na maranasan lahat ng panggagago na naranasan ko dati sa ibang tao. Honestly, hindi ko alam kung ano kahihinatnan ng mga ginagawa namin, but at the very least, I wanted to make things right for him—I guess that included giving him labels and all that kasi ’yan ’yung ’di ko makuha-kuha dati.

Ang hirap din kasing manghingi ng label.

Pakiramdam ko nagmamakaawa ako kapag nagtatanong ako.

Ayoko na gawin niya ’yon kaya kung gusto niya, ibibigay ko.

“Boyfriend?” he asked.

“I mean… sure, but baka pwede na ‘exclusively dating’ muna tapos… saka na lang ’yung boyfriend?”

He nodded and smiled. “Okay.”

Napa-ngiti din ako dahil para siyang cute na puppy na excited. “Okay.”

I patted the top of his head as he was grinning. I was thinking if we should kiss… or hug… kasi exclusively dating na kami? I was starting to overthink things again. Instead, I just pulled him close and hugged him. He stiffened for a second before he hugged me back.

“I have a question,” he said.

“Ano?”

“Ibig sabihin, pwede kitang halikan kapag gusto ko?”

“Uh… pwede naman,” sabi ko. “Pero ’wag sa public.”

“Noted,” he replied. “Ayaw mo sa PDA?”

“Ewan,” I replied. “Never really tried. Pero baka lang ma-issue ka.”

“Ako?”

“Yup. Baka lang may mga homophobic,” I told him. Na-experience ko na kasi dati. Ayoko lang ma-experience ni Andrew. I mean, in general naman. Kahit nung kay Joaquin, careful din ako. Ayoko lang ma-experience ng kahit na sino ’yon. Parang gago lang kasi.

“If it’s on my account, you don’t have to act as careful,” sabi niya. “I don’t really mind if people know about us—it’s my life; wala akong pakielam sa iniisip nila.”

Natawa ako. “Naks naman. Alam na ba ng nanay mo ’yan?”

I felt him nodding. “She actually did ask about you before kasi lagi daw kitang kinu-kwento.”

“Kaya ba iniinvite mo ako nung birthday niya?”

He nodded again. “Sinabi ko na ayaw mong pumunta.”

I broke the hug and looked at him with my eyes wide open with betrayal. “Ano?! Sinabi mo talaga ’yon?!” He nodded. “Baliw ka ba?!” I shouted in dread. For the next few minutes, I convinced him to tell his mom the proper context. Technically, tama naman siya na ayokong pumunta. Minsan nakaka-stress pagiging technical niya sa mga bagay-bagay. Nakaka-hiya!

I stayed a bit longer than planned sa may sasakyan niya dahil ’di ako umalis doon hanggang ’di naaayos iyong miscommunication sa nanay niya. Paglabas ko, dumiretso na ako pabalik sa condo. Agad na nahiga ako sa kama dahil papalitan ko naman iyong bedsheet. I took another nap. When I woke up, I began cleaning dahil may start na agad ng second sem sa isang araw.

I threw all the bedsheets in the laundry bag and was about to drag it with me to the laundry shop nang bigla akong maka-receive ng text.

Joaquin

Naka-tingin lang ako sa pangalan niya. Ilang segundo na naka-tingin lang ako doon. I mean… I guess I did tell him na kakausapin ko siya next sem and technically, ngayon na iyong next sem na sinabi ko dati.

‘Are you back?’

Bahagyang napa-kunot ang noo ko. Alam niya ba na wala ako sa Manila? Naka-hide pa rin naman iyong stories ko sa kanya…

‘Yup.’

‘Dinner?’

‘Can’t. Laundry day.’

‘Bring it to my condo.’

‘Papunta na akong laundry shop,’ sabi ko at saka naglakad na ako papunta sa may elevator.

Ngayon na nagdedate na kami ni Andrew, ’di na dapat ako tumatambay sa condo ni Joaquin. Sinabi lang naman ni Joaquin na gusto niyang maging friends kami. Okay, fine. We can be friends, pero ’di na ako tatambay sa condo niya. If ipipilit niya, isasama ko si Andrew.

Naka-suot ako ng headphones habang naglalakad. Nakaka-miss din pala iyong campus life ko. Naalala ko bigla iyong sinabi ni Andrew na nasa college kami and he’s right—isn’t this the best time to experience life in all of its craziness?

Nilagay ko na sa may washing machine iyong mga lalabhan ko. Naka-upo lang ako doon habang nagchecheck ng emails. Tinulungan ako ni Andrew na isort lahat ng application ko. May mga nagreply na. I needed to plan my life well because I was almost half-way done with college.

My head automatically turned towards the door when it opened. I knew it was Joaquin because of the smell of the cologne.

“Hey,” he said as he took the empty space beside me. “I missed you.”

**

This story is already at Chapter 59 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 40

The first thing I noticed was that he’s tanned.

I wanted to make a small conversation about the yacht parties he attended, kaya lang baka bigla niya akong tanungin kung paano ko nalaman ’yon. ’Wag na lang. Knowing him, he’d quickly figure out na ’di niya ako nakita sa viewers niya sa IG stories. And then he’d quickly jump into conclusion na through anonymous viewer ko nakita. Medyo farfetched kung iisipin, pero knowing Joaquin? Hindi impossible.

“Kamusta internship?” I asked instead, ignoring what he just said.

“It was fine,” he replied. “You? Where did you go?”

“Pano mo nalaman na wala ako?”

“You weren’t at your condo.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Pano mo nalaman? Don’t tell me may contact ka sa condo ko para sabihin na nandon ako? Ang creepy mo.”

Kumunot din ang noo niya at saka bahagyang natawa. “What? No, of course not,” he replied. “I went home after two weeks. I figured we could have dinner or something. You weren’t answering my texts. I also swung by your condo. Still no answer.”

“Bakit ka umuwi?”

He shrugged. “Why not?” he replied. “It’s just a two hour flight.”

Baka may personal errands siya na kailangang gawin o kaya family matters. Marami namang dahilan kung bakit uuwi siya sa Pinas. Impossible na umuwi siya para lang magdinner kami. Saka in the first place, ’di ko na dapat iniisip ’yon.

Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Naka-tingin lang ako sa labada ko na paikot-ikot. Ramdam ko na naka-tingin din siya sa akin. I purposely ignored the fact that he was so obviously staring at me.

“How was the break?” he asked. It was a general question, but I felt like we both knew the real question lying behind that.

“Okay naman,” sagot ko.

“All good?”

“Yup.”

I mean, okay naman lahat… I think. I barely thought about him nung kasama ko sina Andrew at James. Besides, I genuinely like and care about Andrew. Hindi ko man siya ganoon ka-gusto ngayon, alam ko na ’di naman impossible na magka-gusto talaga ako sa kanya. Saka hindi ba sinasabi nila na the best relationships usually start at friendships? I felt like we’re actually off to a pretty great start.

“Do you have to wait here?” he asked after a minute of nothing but silence kasi ’di ko naman alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanya.

Tumango ako. “Bakit? May pupuntahan ka ba?”

He looked at his watch. “Yeah… I thought we can grab dinner.”

“Ah. Next time na lang,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“I’ll try to cancel,” he said tapos bigla siyang nagtype sa cellphone niya.

“Parang tanga ’to,” mabilis na sabi ko sa kanya bago niya pa ma-send iyong tina-type niya. Tumingin siya sa ’kin. Bahagya na namang naka-kunot ang noo niya. “Pwede namang bukas o kaya sa isang araw.”

He was looking at me like he was studying my face—like he was trying to determine if there was some underlying message sa sinabi ko sa kanya.

“Bukas na lang,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Kaka-balik ko lang din. Gusto ko na agad matulog after nitong laundry ko.”

It took him a few seconds bago siya magsalita. “Fine,” he replied. “Dinner tomorrow and you can sleepover.”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha? Bakit? May condo naman akong sarili?” mabilis na sagot ko. Knowing what I know about him, alam ko na dadating at dadating kami sa usapan na ’to—’di ko lang akalain na ngayon na mismo at habang nasa laundry shop pa kami.

“We haven’t seen each other in a month.”

“Pwede naman tayong magcatchup over dinner.”

“Lots to talk about.”

“Di pa naman ako mamamatay—marami tayong time para mag-usap,” sagot ko sa kanya. I looked at him. He still looked suspicious. I sighed. “Nung sinabi mo na magiging friends pa rin tayo, ano ba ang definition mo ng ‘friends?’” I asked because at this point, I felt like I had to ask him. Pakiramdam ko kasi medyo magkaiba kami ng definition ng friends—kapag sinabi ko kasing friends, as in friends talaga. Kaya nga iyong kay Andrew e na-guilty talaga ako dati—mabuti na lang din at may label na kami ngayon.

“Friends,” he said.

“You can do better than that,” I replied kasi siya iyong marami laging sinasabi—ngayon na kailangan ko ng definition talaga, ’di niya ako bibigyan?

Ang simple ng tanong ko pero para na-stress pa siya dahil napa-suklay pa siya sa buhok niya gamit ang mga daliri niya. “We’re friends,” he said. “Why do I have to define it?”

“Because,” I began. “If we’re friends, I don’t think dapat may mga sleepovers pa rin.”

“Why not? You do sleepovers with your friend.”

“Yeah, pero iba ’yon.”

“How come?”

Tanginang phrase ’yan.

“May history tayo—kahit pa sabihin na ’di naman talaga formal relationship,” I began. I hated that I was the one bringing this up, but I guess ako naman talaga dapat since may Andrew na sa equation.

“Yeah, I still don’t understand,” he said. “At the end of the day, we’re also friends—so why is the rule different with me?”

Napa-hugot ako ng malalim na hininga. ’Di pa ba tapos iyong labada ko?

“Fine,” I began. “Pero ’di ko rin gets bat kailangan kong matulog sa condo mo? May condo naman ako.”

“Are you with someone now?” he asked after he stared at my face for a few seconds.

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. Wala naman akong balak itago kay Joaquin, pero ewan ko, ayaw ko lang sabihin sa kanya ngayon. Alam ko naman na wala siyang gusto sa akin—I mean, bobo na lang ako kung ’di ko pa malalaman e ilang beses niya ng sinabi sa akin na wala… but then again, para siyang bata sa playground na iiyak kapag inagaw iyong laruan niya na in the first place, ’di niya naman pinapansin.

Saka malalaman niya rin naman iyong sa amin ni Andrew—hindi lang ngayon.

“Not the point,” I vaguely answered. “Since friends na lang tayo ngayon, may mga bagay na ’di na tayo pwedeng gawin—kasama na doon iyong overnight. Paano kung ikaw iyong may bago na? Sa tingin mo maaappreciate ’yon ng future girlfriend mo kung nag-oovernight ako sa condo mo?”

“Why are we talking about this non-existent girlfriend?” he asked.

“Hypothetical nga kasi.”

“I don’t plan on having a girlfriend in the near future,” he replied. “And as for the overnight, unless you’re with someone now, I don’t see the problem with you staying over.”

“What if bigla kang nagka-girlfriend?”

“I just said I don’t have any plans.”

“What if bigla nga, ’di ba? What if may makilala ka bigla na magustuhan mo agad?”

He looked like he was so confused with the idea na may makikilala siya at bigla niyang magugustuhan. “Then she just have to live with the fact that you’re a part of my life.”

Agad na napaawang iyong labi ko sa sagot niya because… what the hell? Why did he have to phrase it like it was a take it or leave it kind of scenario? Na kung ayaw sa akin nung babae, then it won’t happen?

Why the fuck was he so confusing?

“Bakit nga kasi kailangang don din ako matulog? Ang lapit-lapit lang ng condo ko?” I asked, not wanting to dwell on what he just said.

“Then can I stay over at your place?”

“Mas lalong hindi.”

“Why?”

“Ayoko lang.”

“Are you still not over me?” bigla niyang tanong.

I groaned at the fucking frustration. Nakaka-stress din talaga siya minsan! I mean madalas, but he’s being particularly stressful now!

His phone vibrated. Mukhang nagtext na iyong kung sinuman ang pupuntahan niya mamaya.

“I need to go now, but keep your dinner plans open tomorrow,” he said. Tumayo na siya. “Have you enrolled already?”

“Bukas pa.”

“Great. Tell me what time you’re done with the enrolment. I’ll come pick you up right after.”

“Okay,” sabi ko na lang sa kanya dahil alam ko na ’di naman ako mananalo sa kanya. Sasabihin ko na lang kay Andrew mamaya ’tong pag-uusap na ’to. Ayoko lang magsinungaling kay Andrew kasi ang bait-bait nung tao. Besides, sigurado ako na itatakwil ako ni James kapag nalaman niya na ginago ko si Andrew—not that I can blame him. I’d hate myself, too, kung sasaktan ko si Andrew.

---

Pagbalik ko sa condo, nagkabit na agad ako ng bagong bedsheets. Naglinis din ako ng condo tapos ay binuksan ko iyong diffuser ko. Sana pala may insenso din ako. Pakiramdam ko kailangan kong pausukan ’tong condo na ’to para mawala iyong bakas ni Joaquin. Dapat talaga ’di ko pinapasok ’yung maligno na ’yon dito dati, e.

‘Busy ka?’

‘Medyo. Bakit?’

‘Pwede tumawag?’

Bago pa ako tumawag, agad na nakita ko na tumatawag si Andrew sa akin. Nahiga ako sa kama ko. Naka-tingin ako sa ceiling. Nilagay ko sa loudspeaker iyong cellphone.

“Bakit?” agad na sabi niya.

“Nakita ko si Joaquin kanina,” I began. Busy daw kasi siya. I didn’t want to take much of his time.

“Ah.”

“Di ka galit?” I asked. I mean, wala naman akong ginawa. Kasalanan ko ba na unbearable si Joaquin as a person? But then again, mage-gets ko naman kung maiinis si Andrew o kung anuman.

“Hindi. May ikaka-galit ba ako dapat?”

“Hmm. Wala naman,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Tinanong niya lang ako kung kamusta iyong sembreak,” I began tapos sinabi ko kay Andrew iyong ibang napag-usapan namin. “Also, he asked me kung meron na daw ba akong iba.”

“Ano’ng sabi mo?” he asked. He asked like he was just asking—there was no… scary tone. I didn’t feel scared to answer his question.

“Wala,” I replied. “I mean, hindi ko sinabi na meron o wala. Malalaman din naman niya. ’Di naman kita itatago.”

I didn’t know if this was a good thing or if I was digging a grave for myself. I guess gusto ko lang maging motto and honesty is the best policy pagdating kay Andrew? O dahil ba ang tagal na naming friends? O dahil ba sinabi niya sa akin na naiintindihan niya lang talaga ako? That I didn’t feel the need to lie to him? Because I know that no matter how mind-boggling some of my decisions can be, he’d still understand me?

“Okay,” he said like it was really… okay.

“Sure ka? Okay lang?”

“Oo,” sagot niya. “I understand that your relationship with him is complicated. Also, you’re a grown man—you’ll do what you want to do. I won’t stress myself about things I have no control over.”

I groaned. “Parang sinabi mo na rin na inevitable na magccheat ako.”

Natawa siya. “Hindi naman, but at the end of the day, that’s your decision to make.”

“Hindi ako cheater.”

“Okay.”

“Promise.”

“Okay,” he said again. “Nagdinner ka na?”

“Hindi pa. Tinatamad ako. Ano ba’ng ginagawa mo?”

We did talk for a while. He explained what he was doing, pero wala rin akong naintindihan kasi masyadong technical iyong mga pinagsasabi niya. In fairness, ang hot ni Andrew kapag nag-e-explain siya ng mga bagay na ’di ko maintindihan. Intelligence is sexy talaga.

In the middle of us talking, bigla akong naka-receive ng notification.

I groaned. “Bakit?” he asked.

“Org party,” I replied. “Required ako umattend.”

“Ah.”

“Alis na lang ako agad.”

“Okay,” sabi niya. “Iinom ka ba?”

“Hindi pero ’di ko rin ma-sure kasi minsan nasa mukha ko na iyong alak,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Saka sa bahay ni Joaquin ’yon,” I informed him.

“Okay,” he said. “I can pick you up after. Inom ka na lang kung gusto mo. Susunduin kita pag gusto mo na umuwi.”

Mabuti na lang at wala siya sa harapan ko kasi… tangina? Nakaka-kilig pala ’yung ganito?! Dati mas sanay ako na inuuwi ako kapag inuman… Ganito pala iyong pakiramdam na may susundo sa ’yo sa inuman?

“Okay,” I said. I was very much aware of how different my voice sounded like. Taena. Bakit parang biglang tunog baby girl ako?! Bakit kasi biglang iba iyong dating ni Andrew nung sinabihan niya ako na okay lang uminom dahil susunduin niya naman ako?

Then I received another notification.

‘Let’s have dinner tomorrow then go together to the party,’ he messaged. ‘Don’t forget to text me once you’re done with your enrolment.’ 

**

This story is already at Chapter 64 patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 41

I had a long day.

Kumuha ako ng extra courses. I was discouraged by my adviser, pero pinilit ko na kaya ko naman. I mean, nag-aaral lang naman ako… ’Di na ako gumigimik. ’Di na rin ako bago sa org kaya ’di na ako papagawin nung mga nakaka-bagot na tasks. Akala ko nga e pupurihin ako sa initiative ko, pero parang nagka-counseling session pa kami tungkol sa balak ko sa buhay ko. Tsk. Minsan na nga lang ako gumawa nang maganda sa buhay ko.

Gusto ko na talagang umuwi at matulog na… kaso alam ko na malaki ang chance na puntahan ako ni Joaquin sa condo ko kapag ’di ako nagparamdam sa kanya. Naisip ko na sisibat na lang ako agad sa party. Madami namang tao doon. Magkaka-chance ako na pumuslit palabas—saka as if naman nasa gilid ko lang si Joaquin buong gabi.

‘San ba magdidinner?’

‘Done with the enrolment?’

‘Yup. San ba dinner? Don na tayo magkita.’

‘Where are you?’

Napa-buntong-hininga na lang ako. Alam ko na marunong magbasa si Joaquin kaya kapag ganito na ’di niya sinasagot iyong mismong tanong ko, alam ko na sadya niya ’yon. San na naman kaya ako dadalhin nito? Gusto ko sanang sabihin kay Andrew kaya lang naisip ko baka parang lagi naman akong nagsusumbong? Baka isipin niya na guilty ako masyado? Hindi ba enough na na sinabi ko naman sa kanya na ginugulo ako ni Joaquin?

Tsk.

Buti sana kung may iba pa akong makaka-usap tungkol dito. Mukhang mapapa-reddit at quora na naman ako mamaya.

Sinabi ko kay Joaquin kung nasaan ako. A few minutes later, nakita ko iyong sasakyan niya. Napa-hugot ako ng malalim na hininga habang naglalakad papunta doon.

“San tayo?” I asked kasi ’di naman siguro malayo ’yon kasi pupunta pa kami sa party sa bahay niya? “Also, may tanong ako,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Sino nag-aayos kapag may party sa bahay mo? Like nagdadala ng alak?”

“The caretaker unlocks the house when there’s a party,” sagot niya. “As for the alcohol, I have no idea who brings what.”

“Akala ko galing sa ’yo kasi sabi mo generous ka?”

“I am generous, but not that generous. Have you seen them drink?”

“Tss. Kuripot ka lang.”

I saw him roll his eyes. “Really? Have you ever paid when we’re together?” he asked habang bahagyang naka-arko iyong kilay niya.

“E madalas coercion naman ang nangyayari. Mahiya ka naman kung ako pa magbabayad.”

“When did I coerce you?”

Alam ko maraming beses na pinilit niya ako, pero at this moment, wala akong masabi sa kanya.

“See?” he cockily said.

“Pasalamat ka na-mental block ako.”

Wala naman akong expectation sa kung saan ako dadalhin ni Joaquin para magdinner, pero ’di ko lang siguro na-expect na sa Mexican themed restaurant niya ako dadalhin.

“What?” he asked when he noticed me looking around and then looking back at his face with my forehead creased.

Umiling ako. “Wala,” sabi ko. “Di ko lang expected na kumakain ka sa ganitong lugar.”

“Why not?”

I shrugged. “Wala lang sa personality mo.”

“Why? You think you know everything about me?”

“Not really,” sabi ko. “Di ko lang siguro ineex—”

For some reason, bigla ko na namang naisip iyong mga IG stories niya—iyong lahat ng parties na inattendan niya. Would it be too much of a coincidence na sa lahat ng stories niya, may babae na mukhang Mexican iyong either nasa tabi niya o nasa background ng posts niya? Tapos… biglang nasa Mexican restaurant kami ngayon? Like… what were the odds?

“What?” he asked nang hindi ko matuloy iyong sinasabi ko.

I looked at him, gave him a tight-lipped smile, and shook my head. Whatever. None of my business.

Dumating na iyong waiter at inabutan kami ng menu. Umorder lang ako ng taco. Joaquin, on the other hand, ordered a few items on the menu for me to try.

“Di ako masyadong gutom.”

“That never stopped you from eating before.”

I just shrugged tapos ay kinuha ko iyong cellphone ko at nagtext ako kay Andrew na maaga ako magpapa-sundo. Magpapa-kita lang ako sa party para walang masabi si Joaquin sa akin, pero uuwi din ako agad. Ang dami na ring nangyari sa araw ko. Kung ako lang masusunod, nasa condo na ako ngayon at kumakain ng pancit canton at pritong itlog.

“Are you sick?” bigla niyang tanong.

Umiling ako. “Pagod lang,” I replied.

“Enrolment?” Tumango ako. “Did you get all your subjects?” Tumango ulit ako. “Are you already planning for your internship?” Tumango lang ulit ako.

Ramdam ko iyong tingin sa akin ni Joaquin, pero sinubukan ko na hindi pansinin. After a while, naka-tingin pa rin siya sa akin na para bang sinusubukan niyang ifigure out kung ano ang nangyari at biglang nag-iba ang mood ko. Huminga ako nang malalim at saka tumingin sa kanya.

“So… kamusta ’yung Hongkong?” I asked para mabaling sa kanya ulit iyong atensyon. I made my voice sound a bit chipper. ’Di naman ako galit o kung anuman. Pagod lang talaga ako sa dami ng nangyari buong araw.

“It was fine,” he replied.

“Nag-ayos ka lang talaga tungkol sa internship mo?” I asked. “Baka may nakilala ka don.”

I didn’t even know why I was asking him that. I mean… kung iyong babae sa IG stories niya iyong dahilan kung bakit may fixation siya sa Mexican food ngayon, e ’di good for him. Mas okay na siguro na masabi niya sa akin para masabi ko rin sa kanya iyong kay Andrew. That way, ’di niya na ako biglang aayain sa mga ganitong dinner.

“I met a lot of people.”

“Anyone particularly interesting?”

“None of what you’re implying.”

“Ano ba iniimply ko?” I asked as I was playing with the straw on the cocktail that he ordered for me to try.

“That I fooled around when I was in Hongkong.”

“Bakit? Wala ba?” I asked. Ibinaling ko iyong tingin ko sa kanya. “Tss. Impossible na wala. Ikaw pa ba?” I asked using a lighter tone. Bakit ba ang seryoso niya? ’Di ba as friends mapapag-usapan din naman talaga namin iyong mga ganitong bagay?

Joaquin didn’t immediately say anything. I, on the other hand, focused on the drink. In fairness naman… okay siya magrecommend. Sarap nitong iniinom ko. Mataas ba alcohol content nito? Wala pa naman akong balak malasing ngayon.

“Humor me,” he said after a short stretch of silence that felt like a long one. “We were okay a while ago when suddenly, your mood changed. And now you’re trying to pick up a fight with me.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Paano ako nakikipag-away sa ’yo? Tinatanong ko lang naman kung may nakilala ka sa Hongkong?”

“I already told you I met no one.”

“Okay. Sabi mo, e.”

“What’s your problem?”

“Wala.”

I saw his jaw clenched. Buti na lang at dumating na ’yung pagkain namin. I happily ignored him habang kinakain ko iyong tacos. In fairness… Dalhin ko nga si Andrew dito. Saka si James na rin. Mamaya biglang mag-inarte pa ’yon na inabandona namin siya.

“I really didn’t meet anyone,” bigla niyang sabi.

“Fine,” I replied. “Di mo naman kailangang mag-explain sa akin. Tinatanong ko lang naman.”

“Why are you so convinced that I met someone while I was there?” he asked.

“Sinasabi mo?”

“Because you’re acting jealous—that’s the only logical explanation,” he said. “Are you still not over me?”

“Alam mo—” I said and the paused. I didn’t want to tell him about Andrew this way. Iisipin niya na ginagamit ko lang si Andrew when in fact, hindi naman ganon. I genuinely like and care for Andrew and I’ll be the happiest kung magkaka-gusto talaga ako sa kanya. I didn’t want to use him as a pawn in whatever this was with Joaquin.

“Sorry,” I said instead. “I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business kung anuman ang ginawa mo sa Hongkong,” I continued. I looked at him. “If you didn’t meet anyone, e ’di wala. If meron… honestly, happy for you.”

Joaquin was still looking at me like he was trying to figure out kung sarcastic lang ba ako o seryoso ako sa sinasabi ko. I’d convince him more na seryoso ako, but I thought that would just backfire at me. Bahala na siya magcome up sa conclusion.

I tried my best to enjoy the food kahit pakiramdam ko e magkaka-indigestion ako dahil sa pagtitig sa akin ni Joaquin habang kumakain ako.

“Will you really?” he asked.

“Ha?”

“Happy for me?” sabi niya. “Will you really be happy for me if I meet someone else?”

Hawak ko pa iyong quesadilla at napa-tigil ako sa pagkagat sana. Tumango ako. “Oo naman,” sabi ko sa kanya. “I mean, ganon naman talaga kapag friends, ’di ba? For sure magiging masaya ka rin naman para sa akin kung ako makaka-hanap ng iba, ’di ba?”

“Of course,” he replied.

“Good,” sabi ko. “Malay mo baka kapag don ka na talaga nag-internship, may makilala ka,” I continued. “Wala ka bang type nung nandon ka? Isang buwan din ’yon.”

Thankfully, the mood lightened up… medyo, but I’d take that over having that intense conversation with Joaquin. Baka ma-badtrip nang tuluyan sa akin at bigla akong palayasin dito.

Hindi ko alam kung wala lang ba talagang nakilala si Joaquin doon at imagination ko lang ang lahat o talagang sinungaling lang siya at wala siyang balak na sabihin sa akin iyong Mexican niya. Bahala siya sa buhay niya. Malaki na siya.

Pagdating namin sa bahay niya, full-swing na iyong party. Akala ko e iiwan ako ni Joaquin para maki-mingle sa ibang mga tao, pero nasa paligid ko lang siya palagi. He asked me if I’d drink. Umiling ako. Inabutan niya ako ng can ng softdrink. Akala ko e pipilitin niya akong uminom.

“Did you really take extra courses?”

“Yup. For better chances sa internship.”

“Just take up extracurriculars,” sabi niya. “At one point, all transcripts look the same—your extracurriculars will make your application look better.”

“Pwede namang sabay,” sagot ko kasi after ko magmakaawa sa adviser ko na payagan akong kumuha ng extra courses, bigla kong ida-drop? Baka ibaon ako non sa ilalim ng lupa.

“Up to you,” sabi ni Joaquin. “What about your internship? Need help?”

Umiling ako kasi natulungan na ako ni Andrew doon. Saka na-realize ko na ayoko rin pala na may tulong ni Joaquin iyong internship ko. Ayoko lang ng utang na loob o possible na isumbat niya sa akin in the future if ever.

“You sure you don’t need help?” he asked again.

“Yup. Okay lang,” sabi ko. “Thanks for the offer, though.”

We talked about a lot of things but also about nothing. I kept on looking at my phone kasi baka nasa malapit na si Andrew. Ayoko naman sabihin pa kay Joaquin na tawagan ’yung guards sa may gate at papasukin si Andrew.

“You wanna go home?” he asked.

“Medyo,” sabi ko. “Inaantok na ako.”

Tumayo siya. “I’ll drive you home.”

Mabilis akong umiling. “Luh. ’Wag na.”

“It’s fine—”

“Nagbook na ako ng sasakyan,” mabilis na sabi ko sa kanya. He was looking at me again na para bang iniisip niya na may mali. “Sige ka baka may mag-away na naman dito. Gusto mo ma-sendan na naman ng letter mula HOA niyo?” sabi ko sa kanya. Isa kasi ’yon sa reklamo niya last time na nagka-issue sa HOA dahil sa pagdating nung pulis dito last time.

“Alright, but wait here,” sabi niya.

Naupo ako habang hinihintay siya. After a while, bumalik siya na may dalang paper bag. Maliit lang ’yon. Inabot niya sa ’kin.

“Ano ’to?” I asked.

“Pasalubong,” sagot niya. Para sa taong English ang main mode of communication, straight siya magTagalog, in fairness. “Thought about you when I saw that.”

“Naks,” sabi ko. “Salamat. Naisip mo pa ako.”

Naramdaman ko na nagvibrate iyong cellphone ko. Sure ako na si Andrew na ’yon kasi sabi niya magtetext siya kapag nandito na siya. Agad na tumayo ako at nagpaalam ulit kay Joaquin. Lumabas na ako sa bahay niya. Napa-kunot ang noo ko nang makita ko iyong sasakyan ni Andrew na nasa labas mismo ng bahay ni Joaquin.

“Pano ka naka-pasok dito?” I asked him kasi sure ako na mahigpit iyong security sa lecheng village na ’to.

“Dito naka-tira ’yung isang pinsan mo.”

“Weh? Naks naman. Big time naman pala ang pamilya mo,” tukso ko sa kanya. Napa-tingin siya sa hawak ko na paper bag. “Ah. Pasalubong daw ni Joaquin,” I told him tapos nilagay ko sa backseat iyong paper bag but as I was doing that, agad kong nakita si Joaquin na naka-tayo sa may pintuan ng bahay niya. I knew that the windows were heavily tinted yet for some reason, I felt like he was looking straight into my eyes. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 42

I didn’t know for sure kung nakita kami ni Joaquin… but with the way he was looking, pakiramdam ko ay nakita niya kami. He already alluded before na may ‘something’ sa amin ni Andrew… I just thought that for sure, I’d receive a call from him asking about this—or at the very least, a very annoying or sarcastic text.

So far, I received none.

I knew I should be relieved… but for some reason, mas na-weirduhan lang ako. Because Joaquin’s not the type to shut up about things—he’s more like the annoying type. So, the fact that he’s saying nothing about this was making me think things. At pagod na pagod na akong mag-overthink.

In the end, I decided to just let things be—kung tatanungin niya ako, I’d be honest with him. I just didn’t want to bring it up unprompted. Para kasing ang weird. Saka ang defensive na parang ‘uy, naka-move on na ako. In fact, may bago na nga ako.’ Parang gago lang. Mukhang ’di seryoso.

I spent the next days busy with my classes. Kapag may free time, kasama ko sina James at Andrew. ’Di ko alam kung ako lang ba o medyo naguguluhan ako kasi… parang friends pa rin naman kami ni Andrew? I mean, walang nagbago sa kung ano iyong ginagawa namin before nung friends lang kami sa ngayon na dating na kami. O baka ito iyong ‘healthy’ relationship?

“Andrew,” I called nung naiwan kaming dalawa dahil may pinuntahan na naman si James na ’di ko na tinanong dahil sasakit lang ang ulo ko pag nalaman ko na sa straight situationship niya na naman siya pupunta.

“Bakit?” sagot niya habang nasa laptop niya pa rin iyong mga mata niya.

I really wanted to ask him kung ano ba ang ganap sa aming dalawa dahil parang masyadong… tahimik. But then again, baka attracted lang ako sa drama? Na naninibago ako sa kalmadong relasyon?

Nang hindi ako nagsalita, tumingin na siya sa akin.

“Bakit?” inulit niya iyong tanong. This was probably one of the things I really like about him—he’s never short with me. Totoo talaga iyong sinasabi niya na naiintindihan niya lang talaga ako. Kapag kasi kay Joaquin o sa ibang mga lalaki dati, mabilis silang mainis sa akin—to the point na na-internalize ko na na nakaka-inis lang talaga ako madalas.

“Wala naman,” sabi ko. “May nagrerenovate pa ba sa kapitbahay mo?”

“Tapos na. ’Di ko ba nasabi sa ’yo?”

“Ah… Sayang naman.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Gusto mo na nagugulo ako?”

“Tsk. Hindi. Slow mo naman.”

“Are you inviting me over?”

“Duh.”

Natawa siya. “Ah. Bakit ’di mo na lang sinabi agad?”

“Tsk. Basag trip naman ’to.”

Natawa lang ulit siya tapos ay pinisil niya iyong magkabilang pisngi ko. Gagantihan ko rin siya dapat ay pipisilin iyong mga pisngi niya nang matigilan ako dahil napa-tingin ako kay Joaquin na naka-tingin sa aming dalawa.

Seriously? Sa lahat ng araw na ’di ko siya nakita, ngayon siya magpapakita tapos sakto pa na naglalandian kami ni Andrew?! Sign ba ’to ng universe na sabihin ko na sa kanya iyong sa amin ni Andrew?

Napa-tingin din si Andrew sa tinitignan ko. I looked at him. I should apologize… right? Kasi hindi ko pa rin sinasabi kay Joaquin? Kahit siguro ’di sabihin ni Andrew, pakiramdam niya e tinatago ko siya.

“Sorry,” I told him.

Ibinalik niya iyong tingin niya sa laptop. “What for?”

“Sasabihin ko na.”

“I told you—that’s your decision to make.”

“I know but… parang ang unfair sa ’yo.”

“No, it’s not,” sagot niya sa ’kin. “You laid down all your cards—I decided to be involved regardless. It’s my decision to make.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya. May mga ganito bang tao talaga… o natatanga na lang siya kasi may gusto siya sa akin?

“Tell him if you want to tell him,” Andrew said. “Just don’t do it solely on my behalf. I already told you na wala akong pakielam sa iniisip ng ibang tao—Joaquin included.”

I sighed. “Fine…” sabi ko tapos napa-tingin ako sa kanya. He ruffled my hair. Oddly, that gave me some comfort.

And also… may ganito pala talaga? Akala ko kapag love life e constant anxiety and overthinking lang. May mga tao pala talaga na makakapagpa-kalma sa ’yo? Na may baon lagi na reassuring words?

---

I didn’t text nor follow Joaquin nang makita niya kami ni Andrew. I still followed through with my plan with Andrew that night. Nasa condo lang kami. Well, medyo may masamang balak ako kay Andrew pero ang busy niya kasi! Nakaka-guilty guluhin. Still, I wanted to improve our relationship and to be honest, physical touch talaga akong tao. Nahiga na lang ako sa lap niya habang busy siya sa ginagawa niya sa laptop niya hanggang sa naka-tulog ako.

Nagising ako ng madaling araw dahil nakaramdam ako ng gutom. For some reason, nasa kama ko na ako. Akala ko nandito pa rin si Andrew pero wala na siya. I looked at my phone. Nagtext siya sa akin na umuwi na siya. Tsk. Hirap naman nito! Kailangan bang sunggaban ko siya? Ito ata downside kapag mas experienced ka—dapat ba ako ang nagsisimula ng lahat? What if shytype ako?

Dahil tinatamad na akong magluto, I decided na lumabas na lang at bumili ng makakain sa convenience store. Naka-suot lang ako ng cotton shorts saka hoodie dahil medyo malamig ang simoy ng hangin.

I was enjoying my quiet walk nang makita ko iyong sasakyan ni Joaquin. I knew it was his car even from afar—ilang beses na akong naka-sakay doon. ’Di ko alam kung titingin ba ako doon o magpapanggap na ’di ko nakita kasi… what if ’di niya ako hintuan? Mukhang gago lang, ’di ba?

So, I minded my own business. I mean, it’s been a few days at walang paramdam si Joaquin. Malay ko ba sa state of mind niya ngayon?

But then I felt the negative presence around me.

“Uy,” sabi ko nang huminto siya sa gilid ko at ibaba iyong bintana sa sasakyan niya. Bahagyang napa-kunot iyong noo ko. “Uminom ka?” I asked solely dahil sa itsura niya. He’s usually the prim and proper slash mukhang member ng country club kapag nasa school. Iba din iyong itsura niya kapag nasa club siya. Tsk. Masyado ata kaming nagbonding last sem kaya pati mga outfit niya e alam ko na.

“A bit,” he replied.

“Ah. Pauwi ka na?”

“You wanna drive around?”

“Ayoko nga. Naka-inom ka, e.”

“Just one bottle of beer,” he replied. “I’m not an idiot who’d throw away my life by drunk-driving.”

Sasabihin ko sana na ayoko kasi balak ko lang naman bumili ng cup noodles at siopao sa may convinience store… but I guess isa na naman ’to sa opportunity na binigay ni universe para sabihin ko kay Joaquin iyong sa amin ni Andrew.

I got inside his car. ’Di ko alam kung naka-todo lang ba iyong aircon niya o talagang malamig lang sa sasakyan niya.

We were quiet—awfully quiet that it made me feel a bit awkward. Ni hindi ko nagawang tanungin siya kung okay lang ba na buksan iyong radyo para at least may tugtog naman kahit papaano.

I didn’t know if he had a destination in mind. He just kept on driving and I just kept on stealing glances at the rearview mirror.

I did panic a little nang makita ko iyong NLEX. May pasok pa ako bukas! Gusto ko na siyang awayin, pero ’di ako makapagsalita. Mabuti na lang at huminto kami sa gas station na una naming nakita. We were in a relatively quiet parking lot.

We were still inside the car. The engine was still running. The radio was still off.

“Do you have something to tell me?” were the first words that came out of his mouth after a long while of silence.

“Oo. Bakit tayo nasa gas station sa NLEX?” ’di ko mapigilang sabihin.

“So that you have nowhere to run to,” he said as he turned his head towards me. “Now, we can talk.”

Napa-sandal ako sa headrest. Saglit na pinikit ko iyong mga mata ko.

“Seriously? ’Di ba tayo pwedeng mag-usap sa paligid ng condo? Or at least sa Manila man lang?”

Paano kung bigla akong iwanan nitong gagong ’to? May grab ba dito? O bubulabugin ko si Andrew na busy para sunduin ako dito? ’Di naman siguro ako iiwan ni Joaquin dito?

“Are you with your friend?” he asked.

I knew that this was what we’d talk about yet for some reason, medyo nabigla pa rin ako.

“First of all, may pangalan siya—Andrew,” I said. “And yes, we’re together.”

I didn’t tell him na ’di ko pa naman boyfriend si Andrew. He didn’t need to know that.

Sinubukan ko na tignan iyong reaksyon ng mukha ni Joaquin, pero ’di ko natagalan. Sindandal ko lang ulit iyong ulo ko tapos ay naka-tingin lang ako sa labas ng bintana.

“When?” he asked.

“Bakit kailangan mong malaman?”

“Were you flirting with him while you were with me?”

Agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “What the fuck? Kailan naging tayo?”

But his face was serious.

This fucking asshole. Bakit ba kasi kami nandito?! Literal na paano ako babalik sa Manila e wala namang bus na humihinto dito?!

“Were you fooling around with him while you were with me?” he asked again.

I drew a deep breath.

Okay.

We couldn’t be pissed off at the same time—of course I had to be the sane one. Again.

“No,” I told him. “It happened after you rejected me.”

I was counting the seconds in my head.

“I followed your rules—I was loyal during the whole… set up,” I began. “You rejected me. Twice. The thing with Andrew happened after non. So, don’t get any ideas o kung anuman na panunumbat ang gusto mong sabihin sa ’kin.”

Was he pissed just because he thought ‘niloko’ ko siya? Was this solely a pride thing? Or did he think that I wouldn’t be able to get over him… at least as quickly as he thought I did?

I rolled the windows down. I needed some air because I felt like suffocating.

“Besides, ikaw na rin nagsabi sa ’kin na magmove on, ’di ba?”

“So, he’s your rebound,” he stated… and not even asked.

“No,” I told him. “I genuinely like him,” I continued as I looked Joaquin straight into his eyes para maintindihan niya. “I do like him. I actually wanted to tell you about him… Hindi ko lang masabi agad kasi baka isipin mo na rebound.”

I was just counting the seconds kapag hindi siya nagsasalita. Ano ba ang tumatakbo sa utak niya?

“So, you’re taken now,” he said.

“Yup.”

“Congrats.”

“Thanks,” I replied. “Kaya ’di na pwede iyong overnight na sinasabi mo kasi may magagalit na,” I continued, trying to make the atmosphere lighter.

“He knows about me?”

“I mean, you didn’t exactly hide it before nung kasama natin siya,” I reminded him. “Besides, ayokong magsinungaling sa kanya.”

“So, you told him about me?”

“Only the things I can say,” I told him.

“He knows about us being friends?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I told you—I want to be honest with him. Kahit itong pag-uusap natin ngayon, sasabihin ko sa kanya.”

There was this… taunting smirk the briefly crossed his face. I ignored that. Ayoko makipagtalo. Baka iwanan niya ako dito.

“What? You’re required to make transparency report to your boyfriend?” he said, sarcasm wasn’t exactly subtle.

“I’m not required, but I want to,” I quickly replied, annoyance wasn’t exactly subtle, as well. “He’s my boyfriend. I don’t want him worrying about you—a friend.”

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 43

To say that the drive back to Manila was awkward would have been the fucking understatement of the century. At one point, naisip ko na baka mas okay na tumalon na lang ako sa expressway dahil napaka-awkward nung atmosphere. Still, I told myself to just bite my tongue—at least until maka-balik kami sa Manila para pwede na ako magbook ng Grab.

And then he pulled over in front of my condo. I knew I could just get out of his car at maglakad ako pabalik sa condo. But then again, I knew that I’d think about this moment. I guess I just wanted to end this conversation on a good note… tutal siya na rin ang nagsabi na gusto niyang maging magkaibigan kami.

“We can be friends,” I began para lang matapos na. “But there are limits, alam mo ’yon?”

“Can I still talk to you? Or do you have to ask for permission?”

I bit the inside of my lip dahil rinig na rinig ko iyong sarcasm sa boses ni Joaquin—and it was not as if he tried to be subtle about it. Akala ko nung drive namin pabalik sa Manila e nakapag-isip-isip na siya at kalmado na—turned out I was wrong. Si Joaquin ba siya kung hindi siya sarcastic?

I unbuckled my seatbelt. “Saka na lang tayo mag-usap kapag matino ka na kausap,” I said but as I tried to open the door, he locked it again from his end. I looked at him. Ni hindi ako nagsalita.

Sumandal siya. Naka-hawak sa manibela iyong dalawang mga kamay niya. I could see how tightly he was gripping on the wheels.

“My bad,” he said.

Hindi ako nagsalita.

“We can still hangout, right?”

“Kaka-sabi ko lang, ’di ba?”

“Do you have to tell him whenever we’ll hangout?” he asked. Tumingin siya sa akin. “I’m not being sarcastic—I genuinely want to know.”

Sumandal din ako. “Hindi,” sagot ko sa kanya. “He said he trusts me—wala akong balak sirain ’yung trust na ’yon.”

Silence engulfed us for a moment.

“He’s really smart and nice and loyal—baka maging kaibigan mo rin ’yon,” I told him. I mean… wasn’t that the reason why he’s so keen on me being his friend? Because according to him, he can be himself when he’s with me? E ganon din naman ako kay Andrew? Malay ba namin kung maging friends din sila?

“Sure, whatever,” sabi niya.

“So… we’re good?” tanong ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya. He didn’t really give me an answer, pero naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. For some reason, I began to feel awkward that I had to quickly avert my gaze. “Do you have any question? Or whatever? O pwede na akong umuwi?” sabi ko. “Fuck. Bibili lang dapat ako ng pagkain.”

“You haven’t eaten yet?”

Umiling ako. “Naka-tulog ako kagabi. Bibili lang dapat ako sa convenience store nung kinidnap mo ako,” I said. I kept my tone light kasi ayoko na makipagtalo. The thing with arguing with Joaquin is that it’s exhausting—para siyang energy blackhole. Nakaka-ubos siya hindi lang ng pasensya kundi pati ng pagkatao.

“I’ll cook for you.” Napa-kunot ang noo ko. “What? Can’t a friend cook for a friend?” he asked. His tone was not sarcastic. He didn’t have that usual smirk on his face. But I know Joaquin…

“Fine,” I said dahil alam ko na kung hindi ako pumayag, I’ll never hear the end of this from him.

---

Once again, I was walking down the familiar hallway.

Nothing changed in the interior of Joaquin’s condo — it was still the same; nothing really changed… well, aside from our situation.

I sat down on the couch habang nagluluto siya. I debated on whether I’d tell Andrew about this kaya lang baka kasi talaga mukha akong guilty na nagsusumbong… Kung pwede ko lang sanang sabihin kay James, e. San ba ako makaka-hanap ng isa pang kaibigan na pwedeng maka-usap?

“Did you like my gift?” he asked.

Mabuti na lang at hindi siya naka-harap sa akin dahil biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Naiwan ko sa sasakyan ni Andrew iyong bigay sa ’kin ni Joaquin.

“Ah… Oo. Salamat. ’Di ka na sana nag-abala pa.”

“Have you used it?”

“Ah… Oo. Kagabi.”

“Really.”

Ano ba ’yung regalo niya?!

“Oo.”

I almost jumped on my seat when he stood behind me. He leaned down a bit until I could hear his voice because he was speaking just a few inches from my ear.

“Why are you such a liar?” he asked.

I gulped. “A-ano na naman?”

“What was my gift?” he asked again.

I quickly stood up to get away. “Parang tanga ’to.”

“Why did you have to lie about such a trivial thing?” he asked. He looked genuinely pissed at this point. “Did you throw it away?”

“Hindi.”

He began walking towards me. I began walking to the opposite side because I didn’t want to be near to him. But Joaquin just followed me.

“Parang gago naman ’to,” I said when he finally cornered me doon sa may kusina niya. He was standing right in front of me. “Konting space naman.”

“Where’s my gift?” he pressed again.

I tried to push him away. “Di ko pa nagagamit. Okay na?” sabi ko pero parang ’di siya convinced sa sagot ko. “Fine,” I said, giving up dahil kailan ba ako nanalo sa ganitong usapan? “Nakita mo nung sinundo ako ni Andrew nung party, ’di ba? Nilagay ko sa backseat nung sasakyan ’yung regalo mo. Nalimutan ko don. Ngayon ko lang naalala nung tinanong mo. Kukunin ko pag nagkita kami ni Andrew.”

Joaquin was standing dangerously close to me and I hated how I knew that we used to fuck at this very corner before. Lahat ata ng sulok ng condo niya e nabasbasan namin. Pwede ba na kung maghahangout kami e sa labas na lang? Kahit ayoko e kung anu-ano ang naiisip ko.

But as I was looking directly at his face, I quickly saw that… hurt cross his face.

It couldn’t be.

Bakit naman masasaktan si Joaquin? It wasn’t as if I told him I tossed the gift. Innocent mistake lang naman! Naiwan ko lang.

But that hurt was shortlived.

Joaquin took a step back and then showed me this… fake as fuck smile.

“Alright,” he said like a fucking psycho that he was tapos ay naglakad siya pabalik sa niluluto niya na himala na hindi pa nasusunog.

---

I wouldn’t be surprised anymore kung magka-indigestion ako dahil halos hindi ko na nguyain iyong pagkain. Nagpaalam agad ako na aalis na ako after ko matapos kumain. Unsurprisingly, hindi ako pinigilan ni Joaquin. I guess we’re in agreement na ’di na tama na muna iyong pag-uusap namin ngayon.

I couldn’t even sleep thinking about the gift kasi bakit ba parang badtrip siya? Kaya naman nung gising na si Andrew, pumunta ako sa condo niya. I asked if he was busy. He said yes, but if may kailangan ako, he’ll make time. I told him na may kukunin lang ako sa sasakyan niya. He didn’t even ask kung ano—he just gave me the key to his car.

“Ano ba kasi ’to?” I asked as I finally got the paper bag.

When I opened it, I saw a box of cologne. My eyes widened a bit upon realization na ito iyong pabango niya na sinabi ko sa kanya na mabango. I did search for it online at kahit mabango pa siya, ’di naman ako ganon ka-siraulo para gumastos ng almost 10k para lang sa pabango.

And he got me this?

Just because I mentioned one time how I liked the smell?

Fuck.

Nakaka-guilty tuloy.

Kaya pala alam niya na nagsisinungaling ako.

I stood in the parking lot like a fucking weirdo dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Should I… apologize? But for what exactly? Talaga namang nakalimutan ko lang. Honest mistake. Parang gago lang kung mag-o-overexplain ako same way na ayoko mag-overexplain kay Andrew kasi mukhang tanga lang.

Tsk.

Epal na buhay ’to. Bakit ’di na lang niya ako inuwian ng ref magnet galing Hongkong?

---

Andrew and I had brunch. He did ask kung ano iyong kinuha ko sa sasakyan. I told him about the gift and then subsequently told him kung paano ako napunta sa sitwasyon na ’yon. He was just quietly listening. It was so… unlike my conversations with Joaquin na parang anytime e magagalit siya sa ’kin o magiging sarcastic.

“Okay lang na gamitin ko?” I asked. I mean… sayang but if he’ll feel weird about this, ’di ko na lang gagamitin. ’Di ko rin sure kung pwede ko ibalik kay Joaquin kasi baka highbloodin na naman sa ’kin ’yon.

“Oo. Sayang naman. ’Di ba nag-e-expire ang cologne?” he asked like he was genuinely curious—and he was kasi naggoogle search pa siya tungkol don.

“Sure ka?” He nodded. “Sure ka ba’ng tao ka? Bakit ’di ka nagagalit?”

Tumingin lang siya sa akin na naka-kunot ang noo. “I grew up with my siblings and lots of my cousins—mahaba lang talaga siguro ang pasensya ko.”

“Ah… Only child ako kaya siguro maigsi ang pasensya ko.” Andrew nodded. Hinampas ko siya. “Mahaba kaya pasensya ko! Kasalanan ko ba na nakakairita mga tao sa paligid ko?”

It felt a bit weird… but the good kind of weird… dahil nung hinampas ko si Andrew, inabot niya iyong kamay ko at hindi binitiwan.

So, we were having brunch in a café while holding hands under the table.

It was good.

I wish it’s always this good.

---

The second sem finally began—as in nagsimula na lahat ng mga pasakit sa buhay ko.

Everyone around me was busy. Busy din naman ako kasi ang dami kong extra-subjects pati mga pinapagawa sa org. Busy din ako ayusin iyong requirements sa internship ko. Paano ’to ginawa nila Andrew dati? Parang gusto ko na humimlay!

“Weh?” sabi ko nung narinig ko na pwedeng magdala ng plus one sa isang event sa org.

“Yeah just register the name,” sabi sa akin.

Sasakalin ba ako ni James kung si Andrew lang ang isasama ko? Plus one lang daw? Hindi ba pwedeng plus two?

Bigla kong nakita si Joaquin. May kausap siya at mukha siyang seryoso. I mean lagi naman siyang seryoso pagdating sa mga seryosong bagay. It’s just that after that weird ass conversation about the gift, medyo ’di siya nagparamdam. Granted it’s only been two weeks, but still, para sa taong kasing kulit ni Joaquin, two weeks would feel like a lifetime.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

“Joaquin,” I called nung umalis na iyong kausap niya.

“Yeah?” he simply replied. Naka-tingin siya sa akin. I was thrown off for a bit kahit na ano ba ang ineexpect ko? Na magttantrums siya dito sa org meeting?

“Pwede daw magdala ng plus one sa event?”

“Yeah. I’m not in charge of the guest-list.”

“Pwede bang dalawa?” I asked just to annoy him because he being so… weird.

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” he just replied before he called someone else at saka nilapitan iyon para kausapin. Yeah. He’s mad at me. The Joaquin I know would’ve told me na kaya nga plus one, meaning plus one lang. Na hindi ba ako marunong magbilang? That’s the Joaquin I know.

Pero kasalanan ko rin naman. Why did I have to lie about such a trivial thing nga ba kasi? I should’ve just told him na hindi ko pa nabubuksan iyong regalo.

So, the entire meeting, naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya habang naka-usap niya na ata lahat ng tao malibang sa akin.

“Joaquin,” I called nang nasa labas na kami.

He looked at me. “Yeah?”

“Dinner?” I asked.

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Why?”

“Why not? May ka-dinner ka na?”

Hindi siya nagsalita.

I sighed.

“Nakita ko na ’yung regalo mo. Salamat,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Gagamitin ko tuwing special occasion.”

Joaquin was looking at me like he was still trying to decide kung seryoso ba ako o hindi pa rin niya ako papansinin.

“Nabanggit ko rin ’yung relo mo. Bibilhan mo rin ba ako ng Patek Philippe?”

“In your dreams.”

“Never say never.” He rolled his eyes and a small smile appeared on his face. “Yieee. Bati na tayo? Friends na ulit?” I asked as I elbowed him habang naglalakad kami. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 44

“Sorry…” I kept on telling Andrew kasi sinama ko siya sa event tapos halos ’di ko siya naka-usap kasi kanina ko pa kasama si Joaquin. He was introducing me to a lot of people. Ang dami kong nakolekta na business card. Ang daming pamilyar na pangalan—mga brands at business na gusto kong maka-trabaho sa future. I was thankful but at the same time, naguilty ako kasi alam ko iyong pakiramdam na walang kasama sa event tapos para kang tanga na naka-tayo lang mag-isa. Dapat talaga ininsist ko na kasama din si James, e.

“Bakit? May nangyari ba?” Andrew asked like he was genuinely baffled kung bakit ako nagsosorry sa kanya.

Nandon lang kami sa isang gilid at naka-upo. Ni hindi na muna ako tumulong magpack-up nung venue kasi agad na pinuntahan ko si Andrew.

“Iniwan kita mag-isa, e.”

“It’s your event—I knew you’d be busy,” he said as a matter of fact. Minsan nalilimutan ko kung gaano ka-logical na tao siya. Iba talaga iyong pag-andar ng utak naming dalawa.

Hindi na ako nagsorry pa o nag-explain kasi alam ko na same lang naman iyong sasabihin ni Andrew sa akin. Ni hindi ako naka-tikim ng appetizer dahil sa dami ng pinakilala sa akin ni Joaquin. In fairness kay Andrew na-try ata lahat nung pagkain. Tinanong pa ako kung sino daw sponsor namin dahil parang ang daming pagkain.

“You’re leaving?” biglang tanong ni Joaquin nung makasalubong namin siya.

I didn’t know what I was expecting… but I sure was a bit baffled when he did acknowledge Andrew’s existence. I mean, based sa pagkakakilala ko sa ugali ni Joaquin, sa pagka-petty niya, mas inakala ko na magpapanggap siya na ’di niya nakikita si Andrew kahit naka-tayo na sa harapan niya.

But then again, nalimutan ko na may pagka-plastic nga rin pala ’tong tao na ’to. Importante pa rin nga pala sa kanya na gusto siya ng mga tao.

“Dinner lang kami,” I replied.

Joaquin threw Andrew a quick look. He didn’t glare at him or anything so… that’s good, right? Kasi kung magiging friends kami, dapat okay din siya kay Andrew. Package deal na kami.

“But you’ll attend the afterparty?”

Tumingin ako kay Andrew. Tumingin din siya sa akin. Andrew shrugged. “Sunduin na lang kita kapag uuwi ka na.”

Tumingin ako kay Joaquin. “Pwede ko siya isama?” I asked. I mean, ’di ba ang bastos kung hindi ko siya isasama tapos pinaguusapan namin sa harapan niya iyong party?

Joaquin showed me the fakest smile I’d ever seen from him. “Sure,” he replied before he quickly excused himself tapos may kinausap siya na kung sinuman.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Andrew at parehong naka-kunot ang noo namin. I wanted to ask Andrew if that interaction was also weird for him… but then again, I really didn’t want to talk much about Joaquin with Andrew. He’s not a part of our relationship kaya ayoko na madalas siyang maging point of conversation.

---

We had dinner—kasama na namin bigla si James kasi tinanong niya kung nasan kami. Isa talaga sa mga petpeeve ko ’yung mga tao na nalilimutan ang mga kaibigan kapag nagka-love life. Kaya as much as possible, lagi naming kasama si James. I mean, trio naman talaga kami originally.

Marami na namang hinanakit si James sa straight-situationship niya kaya naaliw ako sa kwentuhan namin nung dinner.

‘Where are you?’

Fuck.

Iyong after party nga pala.

‘Bigla dumating isa pa naming friend. Pwede ba siya isama? Kasi weird naman iwan namin. If hindi, pass muna ako sa party. Enjoy ka!’

I honestly wanted Joaquin to just seenzone my message. Mas gusto ko dito sa dinner naming tatlo. I like my friends’ company anyways kaysa sa org parties.

‘Sure.’

Ah, fuck.

Tsk.

Nung naka-rinig si James na free iyong alak sa party sa org, siya pa ang naunang mag-aya para magpunta kami roon. Sabi niya rin na curious siya sa party sa org kasi base sa mga naririnig niya, wild daw iyong AIESEC parties. I mean… tama naman siya. Na-traumatize ako nung una akong umattend—to think na akala ko e sanay na ako makakita ng mga nagmomomol kapag parties sa club.

“How rich is he na may spare house siya for parties?” James asked paghinto namin sa harap nung bahay ni Joaquin. I merely shrugged. First, ’di ko rin naman talaga alam kung gaano kayaman talaga si Joaquin. Second, bakit ako magkkwento tungkol sa buhay niya? I knew I’d hate it, too, kung iku-kwento niya ang buhay ko sa ibang tao without my permission.

The music was so loud na ’di na ako magtataka kung magkaka-noise complaint na naman si Joaquin sa HOA nila. Buti di pa siya ineevict dito sa subdivision.

“Wait, kuha ko kayong beer,” I told them nung kukuha dapat sila sa may cooler. Siraulo din kasi iyong iba dito. Mamaya kung ano pa nasa inumin.

I quickly excused myself tapos ay naglakad ako papunta sa may kitchen para kumuha ng alak doon. Mukhang lasing na karamihan ng mga tao. Kung sabagay, talagang nakaka-stress iyong event planning kaya deserve naman nilang magwalwal.

“There you are.”

Kahit gaano kalakas iyong tugtog e rinig na rinig ko bawat salita na lumabas sa bibig ni Joaquin.

“Here I am,” I just… replied.

Seriously, I didn’t know what really Joaquin’s deal was, but I figured that it’s up to me to just treat him as a friend tutal iyon naman ang napagkasunduan namin.

I grabbed three cans of beer—I’d grab more kung kaya ko para ’di na ako babalik dito. Kasi based on previous experience, dito kami lagi ni Joaquin nagtatagpo sa kusina ng bahay nila.

“Thanks pala sa pag-introduce sa akin kanina sa mga tao,” I said. Totoo naman na grateful ako sa lahat ng connection at network na binibigay niya sa ’kin. Alam ko rin ang bulungan ng mga tao na favoritism dahil apparently, ’di naman nagpapakilala si Joaquin ng tao sa mga brands.

I mean, this asshole put me through a whirlwind of emotional distress—the least he could do is to help me get an internship!

“Tell me if there’s something you’re particularly interested in—I’ll help you connect with them,” sabi niya.

“Sabi mo ’yan, ha!”

He nodded. It was a bit weird kasi seryoso lang siyang naka-tingin sa akin that I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.

“Puntahan ko muna mga kasama ko,” sabi ko sa kanya at saka mabilis na umalis ako kasi parang nagkaka-weird vibe sa lecheng kusina na ’yan.

Mabilis na hinanap ko iyong mga kasama ko. Narinig ko iyong malakas na boses ni James. Nasa labas sila at may kalaro si James. Tsk. Iba rin talaga.

“Akala ko ba heartbroken ‘yan?” sabi ko habang naka-tayo sa tabi ni Andrew. “Kinuha mo phone?” Andrew nodded and showed me James’ phone. “Nice,” sabi ko tapos nag-apir kaming dalawa.

Bilang kaibigan ni James, responsibilidad namin na hawakan ang cellphone niya kapag ganito na obviously e magwawalwal siya. Kung hawak niya ang cellphone niya, sure na tatawagan niya na naman ’yang straight situationship niya at iiyakan. Been there, done that… pota nakaka-wala ng pride.

Para kaming mga magulang ni James dahil naka-tayo lang kami ni Andrew sa isang gilid habang pinapanood si James na maglaro ng beerpong slash nakikipaglandian don sa isang ka-org ko na mas straight pa sa ruler. I’d say na questionable talaga ang taste ni James sa lalaki but then again, ako pa talaga mangja-judge?

“Boo!” malakas na sabi ni James tapos si gago nagthumbs down pa sa mga kalaro niya. Tumingin siya sa amin ni Andrew at saka pinalapit kami. Agad na lumapit kami kasi pota baka umiyak ’to dito bigla—na ’di na nakaka-gulat kapag nangyari.

“Laro tayo,” sabi ni James. “Kulang pa ng isa—” he continued and then grabbed the first person he could get his hands on. Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang hatakin niya bigla si Joaquin. Why… the fuck was he there? Kanina pa ba siya don?

“Oh… Joaquin,” James said. Nilapit pa niya iyong mukha niya kay Joaquin na para bang sinisigurado niya na si Joaquin iyong nakikita niya. “Wow,” he continued and even tapped Joaquin’s face. “I wanna thank your parents for having unprotected sex.”

Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

Tangina nito talaga kapag lasing!

Gusto kong hatakin si James at busalan ang bibig pero nakita ko na after ng initial shock ni Joaquin sa lumabas sa bibig ni James ay natawa na lang din siya. Napa-tingin siya sa akin.

‘Sorry,’ I mouthed.

‘It’s fine,’ he mouthed back.

I didn’t know how we ended up in this situation pero bigla ay nag-aayos na kami ng lamesa para maglaro ng beer pong.

“Naks!” malakas na sabi ni James at nakipag-apir pa kay Joaquin nang maka-shoot si Joaquin. Fuck. Lugi kami! Expert ng beer pong ’to, e!

“Drink up,” Joaquin said, looking at me with that annoying grin on his face.

“Ugh,” I groaned as I drank the beer. Joaquin managed to get another shot. But as Andrew was grabbing the cup, inabot ko iyon at ininom. He looked at me with his forehead creased. “Ikaw magda-drive, e,” I told him.

Napa-tingin kami kay James who made a fake gagging sound. “Ugh. I hate people in love.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko dahil baka may maka-rinig sa kanya. I mean, kung kaming apat lang, sige isigaw niya lang pero kasi may ibang mga tao dito! Agad na tumingin ako kay Andrew. He subtly reached for my hand and gave it a small squeeze as if he could read my mind and knew what my worry was.

“Time’s up. Lasing ka na,” sabi ko kay James kasi baka kung ano na isigaw nitong lasing na ’to. I looked at Andrew. “Kunin mo na kaya ’yung sasakyan tapos dito na sa harap kami sasakay?” I asked because looking at James, malamang e kakaladkarin na namin ’to. Medyo malapit pa naman napark-an namin kasi marami ding sasakyan na iba.

Andrew left para kunin iyong sasakyan. I pulled James with me. Nandon kami sa bench sa may garden. Nang maupo si James e napa-higa din siya sa bench at mukhang naka-tulog na. Sasapukin ko talaga ’to bukas.

I was holding my phone at naghihintay ng text ni Andrew na nandyan na siya sa labas nang bigla akong mapa-tingin sa harapan ko. Joaquin was standing in front of me.

“Thanks,” I said when he handed me a bottle of water.

“Your friends are fun,” he said. I chose to ignore that he pertained to Andrew as my friend as well when he knew very well that that wasn’t the case.

“Birds of the same feather,” I replied instead.

For some reason, Joaquin remained standing in front of me. I held on to my phone, still waiting para sa text ni Andrew para maka-alis na kami.

“I’m a bit confused,” he said. I remained just looking at him. “How can you be in love with him when you were declaring your undying love for me just over a month ago?”

Agad na napaawang iyong labi ko. Did… he seriously just ask me that?

I thought he was trying to pick a fight once again.

“I mean, I’m just curious. Timing’s a bit weird,” he continued with that fucking annoying smile on his face once again. My phone vibrated. Napa-tingin siya doon. He reached for James’ sleeping form and helped him get up. “I’ll help you,” he said to me. “The love of your life’s already waiting outside,” he said very sarcastically. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 45

When Monday came, naturally, I got busy with school. Sa sobrang pagka-busy ko, medyo nagulat din ako nung ma-realize ko na Friday na ulit. Grabe! I was torn between amazement kasi parang ang productive ko the whole week sa dami ng nagawa ko na acads-related but then again, napa-isip ako na… ano? As in nag-aaral lang ako? ’Di ba pwede ’yung work hard but play harder?

“Wow, buti naalala mo ako,” James said nang ayain ko siya na lumabas kami ngayong Friday night. Inaya ko rin si Andrew pero sabi niya ay may kailangan siyang tapusin na deadline. He told me na kung maaga siya matapos ay susubukan niyang sumunod sa amin ni James.

“Arte mo. Pasalamat ka nga sumasama pa ako sa ’yo. Nakaka-hiya ka kaya last week.”

He groaned. “Sabi ng ’wag na pag-usapan!”

“May hiya ka na pala ngayon?”

“Tss. For all I know, imbento mo lang lahat ng sinabi mo na ginawa ko!” sabi niya sa ’kin.

“Asa ka pa,” sagot ko sa kanya. “Pasalamat ka sa rule don na walang video kapag party… kundi… tsk,” dugtong ko na napapa-iling pa.

Pumunta kami ni James sa isang bar. Sign of aging na ba ’to? Usually mas gusto namin sa club para maingay at madaming tao but for some reason, we had a silent agreement na parang mas gusto namin sa bar ngayon at uminom lang habang nag-uusap.

There was a live band. Umorder kami ng isang bucket ng beer saka pulutan. Nag-uusap lang kami tungkol sa kung anu-anong bagay—more like may isang classmate si James na nirereklamo niya kasi akala daw ata e nasa high school pa sila at gusto lang mag-ambag ng pang meryenda sa group work nila. I mean, at least this topic’s better kasi akala ko e pag-uusapan na naman namin ’yung straight situationship niya—not that I was blaming James kasi gets ko naman na mahirap magmove on.

Nang maubos namin iyong beer, naglakad na kami pabalik. Halos si James iyong naka-ubos nung bucket kaya ihahatid ko na lang siya sa condo niya.

“Si Joaquin ba ’yon?” biglang sabi ni James.

Napa-kunot ang noo ko. “Ha? San?”

May tinuro si James. Napunta doon iyong mga mata ko. There was a figure walking—or more like naglalakad sandali dahil mukhang nagnnight jog siya base sa itsura ng suot niya. Ano kaya iniisip nung tao na ’yon? Nabanggit niya sa ’kin dati na tumatakbo lang siya kapag may malalim siyang iniisip.

Pero malakas ata ang pakiramdam nung maligno na ’yon dahil for some reason, napa-tingin siya sa gawi namin and obviously, nakita niya na pareho kami ni James na naka-tingin sa kanya.

Bigla akong siniko ni James nang maglakad papunta sa direksyon namin si Joaquin.

“Alam mo, gets kita,” sabi ni James. “Kahit gaano ka-red flag kapag ganito ka-gwapo… Minsan okay lang din naman magpaka-tanga.”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya na nakaawang ang labi. “Akala ko ba—” pero hindi ko na natuloy pa ang sasabihin ko dahil nasa harapan na namin si Joaquin.

“Hey,” he said to me. Bago pa man ako maka-sagot, napa-tingin siya kay James. “You owe me,” biglang sabi ni Joaquin kay James.

Napa-tingin sa akin si James na naka-kunot ang noo. “Ha?”

“You threw up in the pool.”

Tumingin ulit sa akin si James. “Wala kang sinabi na ginawa kong ganon!”

Napa-kunot ang noo ko dahil wala namang ganon na ginawa si James last week.

Biglang ngumisi si Joaquin. “Kidding,” bigla niyang sabi.

“What the fuck! Akala ko nagkalat talaga ako sa party mo!” sabi ni James sa kanya.

For a second, I questioned myself kung invisible ba ako kasi silang dalawa lang iyong nag-uusap. They were talking about the party. I was there, too, but for some reason, hindi ako maka-singit sa usapan nila.

“Did you go with Franco during the recruitment week last year?” biglang tanong ni Joaquin.

“Yeah… Naalala mo ako?” James asked. Joaquin shrugged.

I knew James.

I was well-acquainted with that slight flush on his face.

What the fuck.

---

They were just talking for probably 15 minutes but it felt like a lifetime already. My phone vibrated. Nakita ko na nagtext si Andrew na nasaan daw kami dahil tapos na siya sa ginagawa niya.

“Hinahanap ka na ni Andrew?” James asked.

I nodded as I put my phone back in my backpocket. “Tara na,” I told him dahil madaling araw na rin.

James nodded tapos ay tumingin siya kay Joaquin. “Thanks ulit sa pag-invite sa party mo,” James told him kahit ako naman nagdala sa kanya sa party na ’yon.

Joaquin nodded. “You can come next time, too. We’ll play beer pong,” sabi ni Joaquin bago tumingin sa akin at saka tumango bago naglakad paalis.

Bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo ko habang pinapanood ko siyang maglakad paalis.

James and I began to walk in silence. Hindi ako nagsalita kahit alam ko naman kung ano iyong gusto kong sabihin. I knew James enough to know what he was thinking, too. I mean, it was obvious—with the way he was basically blushing the entire conversation with Joaquin. He could probably deny it at sabihin niya na dahil lang ’yon sa beer, but I knew him better. I knew the look on his face kapag may crush siya sa isang tao.

“You know he’s straight, right?” hindi ko mapigilang sabihin kay James.

“Duh.”

“Good. At least malinaw.”

“Bakit? Magagalit ka ba kung magka-crush ako sa ex-crush mo?” he asked. I knew that despite the light tone of his voice, he was asking a genuine question—he was trying to gauge what my reaction would be.

It wasn’t as if I could tell him na ’wag… na hindi lang siya simpleng ex-crush…

I didn’t say anything.

He forced a laugh.

“Seryoso naman nito,” James said as he elbowed me. He suddenly wrapped his arms around my torso and squeezed me tightly. “Kasama ba ako sa lakad niyo ni James o ihahatid mo na ako sa condo ko?”

“Kaya mo pa ba? Ang pula ng mukha mo,” I pointed out.

His phone vibrated. Napa-hawak siya sa mukha niya. My eyes automatically darted at his phone, but he quickly put his phone in his pocket.

“Uwi na ako,” he said.

“Sino nagtext?” I asked because his reaction was so fishy.

“No comment.”

“Straight situationship? Nag-away na naman sila ng girlfriend niya?”

He groaned. “Pinaalala mo na naman ’yung hayop na ’yon. Mabaog sana siya!”

I walked James to his condo. After that, pumunta ako sa condo ni Andrew.

“Pano mo nalaman?” he asked when he saw me holding paperbag na may pagkain nung buksan niya iyong pinto.

“Duh. Pagbusy ka sa computer mo, nalilimutan mo na may nag-e-exist pa pala sa paligid mo,” I said as I stepped inside his condo.

We had… either super late dinner or really early breakfast. I asked Andrew about his acads. Tinanong ako ni Andrew tungkol sa internship application ko. I did tell him na hihingi ako ng tulong kay Joaquin kasi… beggars can’t be choosers. Saka malakas ang competition sa mga in-demand na internship. I’d just have to swallow my pride this one time—as if first time ko naman kay Joaquin. Wala na akong pride sa tao na ’yon.

After eating, I asked Andrew kung pwede na doon ako matulog kasi… ewan. I just didn’t feel like being alone tonight.

I took a quick shower at sinuot ko iyong damit ni Andrew. Nasa kama kaming dalawa. We were just laying side by side. It was still a bit awkward. We hadn’t gotten past making out. He hadn’t really tried to do more. If he did, I’ll probably go with it… but if I were being honest, I’d rather we go all the way kapag sigurado na talaga ako na naka-move on ako at saka siya na talaga iyong gusto ko.

But it was as if he could read the worries that bubble inside my head.

Andrew reached for my hand and held it tightly.

I turned my head to look at him. The lights were dimmed. I could see his eyes sparkle so brightly. I slowly reached for his lips and kissed him. I felt him kiss me back.

It was slow.

Like we were uncertain.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome kahit ’di ko alam kung para saan.”

Natawa ako kasi ’di ko rin alam exactly kung bakit ako biglang nagpasalamat sa kanya. That was weird for me, too. Instead, I hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me tightly.

Soon after, Andrew was already fast asleep. Hindi ako maka-tulog. I grabbed my phone. I tried to mindlessly scroll hanggang sa mapunta ako sa profile ni Joaquin.

I hated that I knew exactly how many people he was following.

How I was very much aware na may isang nadagdag doon.

At the back of my head, I already knew who it was.

Still, I needed to see it with both my eyes. So, I clicked on his following list and immediately saw my friend’s name there.

Wow.

So, what now? 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 46

I hated the fact that I couldn’t sleep dahil iniisip ko kung finollow din ba ni James si Joaquin… and if he did, ano naman ang gagawin ko? Magagalit? For what? Hindi naman alam ni James iyong sa amin ni Joaquin… and even if he did—

None of my fucking business.

“Tangina naman,” sabi ko nang mapaupo ako sa kama.

Once again, I grabbed my phone. 4:29AM. Literal na ilang minuto na lang ay sisikatan na ako ng araw.

Saglit na pinikit ko iyong mga mata ko at saka huminga nang malalim. I stared at my face at the blackened screen of my phone—the expression on my face was mirroring the chaos that was my mind.

“Bahala na nga,” I uttered to no one as I unlocked my phone and immediately went to James’ Instagram profile to check his following. I hated that my fingers were trembling as I began to type Joaquin’s username.

I didn’t know what I was expecting… I was probably prepared for the worst but hoping for the best kasi… ewan… kaibigan ko pa rin naman si James. Kahit ’di niya alam iyong kagaguhan na nangyari sa amin ni Joaquin, hindi pa ba enough na alam niya na nagka-crush ako doon sa tao? Hindi ba kasama ’yon sa offlimits? Because I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t go after someone na alam kong nagka-something sa kanya.

Still.

Nagulat pa rin ako nang hindi ko makita iyong pangalan ni Joaquin sa following list niya. I… didn’t know what I’ll feel or think. A part of my mind was thinking na baka hindi pa lang nache-check ni James iyong notification niya? Pero malabo. I could still vividly remember the expression on his face earlier when he checked his phone—I knew for sure na notification iyon na finollow siya ni Joaquin.

I wanted to sleep.

I wanted to talk to someone—I just wanted to voice out my thoughts because otherwise, I’d feel like I was drowning… kaso kanino ko sasabihin? Kay Andrew? Kay James? Kay Joaquin?

Wala akong maka-usap.

Instead, I went out the balcony and smoked hanggang mag-umaga.

I didn’t know whether to wish for time to go slowly or quickly dahil alam ko na makikita ko si James. Do I even bring it up? Kaso paano kapag tinanong niya kung bakit? O kaya kung tanungin niya ako kung okay lang ba na i-follow back niya si Joaquin? Wala naman akong karapatan na sabihin na ’wag niyang gawin.

And if he did?

I should suck it up, right?

I felt liked backed to a corner.

‘San tayo?’

I stared at James’ text. Normally, magsasabi na ako agad sa kanya kung saan ko gustong magkita, but in the end, siya pa rin ang magsasabi kung saan ako pupunta dahil tamad siyang maglakad para puntahan ako.

‘San ka?’

I began walking bago pa man ako maka-tanggap ng reply. It was my like my feet instinctively knew where he was. I immediately saw him from a distance. He was looking at me like he knew that I would go to him—like he knew exactly which buttons to push to make me come running.

Agad na napa-kunot ang noo ko nang makita ko iyong pamilyar na keycard na inaabot niya sa akin.

“Bakit mo binibigay sa ’kin ’yan?” I asked.

“I was busy doing something,” he said as he began to walk towards the elevator like he just expected me to follow him. “Had to come down and pick you up.”

It took him a few seconds to realize that I wasn’t following him. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. Why was he doing this to me? Why was he hellbent on tormenting me? Wasn’t he the one who rejected me?! Ano ba’ng ineexpect niya? Na pwede niya ako i-reject paulit-ulit pero maghihintay pa rin ako sa kanya?!

“Bakit mo finollow si James?” I asked, not having any patience for him and his bullshit.

“Why not?” he replied.

My jaw clenched. I had to ball my hand into a fist dahil kuhang-kuha ni Joaquin iyong inis ko. Para siyang bata na inagawan ng laruan sa playground na in the first place, tinapon naman niya na.

“We had fun during the party. I thought we can be friends.”

“Bullshit.”

His lips parted a for a split-second like he didn’t expect that I’d quickly call him out for the bullshit that he was doing.

“What?” he asked. “We’re friends. Why can’t I be friends with your friends?”

“Wag mo nga akong ginagago,” mabilis na sagot ko sa kanya. “Alam ko ’yang ginagawa mo.”

“Tell me—what am I doing?” he asked as he took a step closer to me.

“Wag mong idamay si James.”

“What?” he asked with that small laugh that made me want to wring his neck. He took another step closer. “Did you, for one second, even consider that maybe I just really enjoyed spending time with him?” he asked as he stood right before me.

I felt my chest tightening. Mabilis ko siyang tinulak. I wanted to wipe that smug look on his face.

“Fine, if this pisses you off so much,” he said as he grabbed his phone. “Should I unfollow him?” bigla niyang sinabi.

Halos mapaawang ang labi ko dahil hindi ko siya maintindihan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto niyang mangyari sa mga ginagawa niya.

“Tell me what you want me to do.”

I felt my phone vibrating. Agad na nabasa ko iyong pangalan ni James na sinasabi na sa may labas ng library kami magkita at gutom na raw siya.

I shoved my phone back to my pocket at saka tinignan si Joaquin. I had to briefly close my eyes and take deep breaths—always had to do this kapag si Joaquin ang kaharap ko.

“Know what? No need,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Baka nga nag-enjoy ka lang na kasama si James,” dugtong ko.

I knew the game Joaquin was playing… bakit ba ako nagulat pa? I always knew that he was like this. The more I show him a reaction, the more he’ll try to piss me off. He’d eventually stop kapag nakita niya na wala siyang mapapala sa lahat ng kagaguhan na ginagawa niya.

Joaquin was looking at me like he was trying to deduce what game I was playing—but I was playing no game. I really just wanted to be happy—I thought I’d get that with him, but he rejected me again and again. Ngayon na masaya na ako kay Andrew, nandito na naman siya at nanggugulo.

It’s like he didn’t want to be with me yet he couldn’t stand seeing me with someone else.

“Who knows? Baka pwede pa tayong magdoubledate in the future,” I said as I tapped his shoulder bago ako naglakad palabas ng condo niya. I didn’t even need to look back dahil ramdam na ramdam ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin.

Joaquin’s like a kid—I knew that he’d throw a tantrum and pull some stunt one of these days. Hindi na dapat ako magulat pa.

Pagdating ko sa may labas ng library, agad na nakita ko si James.

“Franco,” seryoso na pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko nang maka-lapit ako sa kanya.

“Naka-decide ka na san tayo kakain?” I asked.

“Ikaw mamili muna,” he replied. “Finollow pala ako ni Joaquin sa Instagram.”

I was… surprised. I mean, alam ko na sasabihin din naman talaga sa akin ni James. But at the same time, I wouldn’t be too surprised kung hindi niya sasabihin. Ewan. Ayoko lang mag-expect dahil baka ma-disappoint ako.

“Ah,” sabi ko na lang.

“Follow back ko ba?”

I shrugged. “Ikaw,” sagot ko.

“Weh? ’Di ka magagalit? ’Yung totoo,” sabi niya. “If you say na ’wag kong ifollow, iba-block mo sa harap mo mismo. Promise.”

Natawa ako. Tangina. Minalas man ako kay Joaquin, parang ang swerte ko naman sa mga kaibigan ko.

“Okay lang,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Alam ko naman na at the end of the day, kay straight situationship ka pa rin babagsak.”

He groaned. “Taena mo talaga. Nasira na naman araw ko,” he began and then he ranted na pinuntahan daw siya nung hinayupak na ’yon at nagpa-comfort dahil nagka-pregnancy scare sila nung girlfriend niya. Tangina din talaga nung lalaking ’yon. Baka magkaroon na siya ng asawa at mga anak tapos magpapa-comfort pa rin kay James—di rin malayo na gawin niyang ninong ng anak niya si James. Kinikilabutan ako pag naiisip ko.

Magkasama lang kami ni James hanggang eventually e dumating na din si Andrew. Andrew sat beside me at magkahawak iyong kamay namin sa ilalim ng lamesa habang kaharap namin si James.

Ganito.

Ganito lang naman ang gusto ko palagi.

“Bakit?” I asked nang makita ko na naka-kunot ang noo ni Andrew habang naka-tingin sa phone niya. Instead of answering, he showed me his phone. May notification doon na nagfollow request din sa kanya si Joaquin.

Tumingin sa akin si Andrew na parang naghihintay ng instruction mula sa akin tungkol sa kung ano ang gagawin niya.

I shrugged. “Follow back mo,” I said.

“But we’re not friends,” sagot ni Andrew.

“Di iblock mo,” I replied.

“Won’t it be weird?”

I shrugged. “Di mo naman siya nakikita lagi.”

And like on cue, I felt my phone vibrating.

‘I followed your boyfriend, too. I want to still be friends with you. I want to be friends with people close to you.’

I left his message on seen and went back to enjoying my meal with the people closest to me. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 47

Until now, hindi ko pa rin alam kung finollow back ni James si Joaquin… None of my business, anyway. I should really stay on my lane. Mukhang okay naman kasi isang linggo na iyong lumipas na walang naganap na nagpataas ng anxiety level ko… O baka dahil lang ’yon walang ganap masyado sa org dahil kakatapos lang nung event namin?

“Hmm…” I hummed to myself when I received a notification tungkol sa bagong meeting sa org dahil of course may event na naman kami. I knew I could always just leave the org, but then again, nanghihinayang ako sa pinaghirapan ko. Saka marami din naman talaga akong natututunan. Best bet ko na lang siguro na umayos na si Joaquin sa kung anuman ang trip niya sa buhay.

Medyo busy din sina James at Andrew sa kanya-kanyang acads nila kaya ’di ko muna sila ginulo. Busy din naman ako dahil sa additional load na kinuha ko this sem. Goods na rin. Mas okay sa akin maging busy kaysa nabubusy ako sa overthinking.

Pagdating ko sa venue kung saan magaganap ang meeting, madami ng tao. I sat on one side and minded my own business. Nilabas ko na rin iyong laptop ko at gumawa ako ng assignment habang naghihintay na magsimula iyong meeting.

After a while, nagsimula na iyong meeting. It was the same usual shit… only this time, ako na iyong nakapansin sa mukha nung mga bagong members—ganyang-ganyan din siguro iyong mukha ko nung ako iyong bago. Kitang-kita ko iyong fascination sa mukha nila habang may ineexplain si Joaquin tungkol sa isang project namin.

“Where nga ’yung venue for the Joaquin’s party?”

“I don’t know. Meron na ba?”

“I mean… siguro? Because this Friday na ’yung birthday niya, right?”

Agad na napa-tingin ako sa pinanggalingan nung boses.

Birthday ni Joaquin?

This Friday?

Napa-tingin ako sa calendar.

Fuck.

Oo nga.

Ganoon ba ako ka-busy na ’di ko naalala na birthday niya? But at the same time… wow. Medyo naka-usad na rin pala ako kahit papaano? Kasi for sure had this happened a few months ago, baka naka-bili na ako ng regalo for him na inoverthink ko rin kung magugustuhan niya ba.

Nagpatuloy pa sila sa pag-uusap at pag-ooverthink kung hindi ba sila invited dahil bakit daw ’di pa nila alam kung may venue na iyong party. Gusto ko silang tawanan kasi isa sila sa mga nagchichismisan before na nakuha lang ni Joaquin iyong internship niya pati vice president position sa org dahil sa family connections niya. Tapos ngayon sila uhaw na uhaw mainvite sa birthday party nung tao? Mga weirdo.

Nang matapos iyong meeting, medyo torn ako kung magse-stay ba ako para kausapin si Joaquin pero kasi—tsk. Bahala na nga. Basta, inayos ko muna iyong mga gamit ko. Nakita ko na kinausap siya nung ibang mga bagong member. Obvious naman na fini-flirt siya. Goodluck sa kanila talaga.

“Franco.”

Automatic na napa-tigil ako sa paglalakad nang marinig ko iyong pangalan ko. Alam ko na agad kung sino iyong tumawag sa akin. Kahit siguro maraming boses ang tumawag sa pangalan ko, alam ko agad kung kanino iyong sa kanya.

I stopped on my tracks and turned to look at him. ’Di sadya na nakita ko iyong mga newbie sa likuran niya na may disappointed look sa mga mukha nila dahil iniwanan sila nung target nila. ’Di na rin ako magugulat kung sumali sila sa org dahil kay Joaquin—been there, done that.

“Yup?” I replied.

This was the first conversation we had after that weird ass conversation we had sa condo niya. I couldn’t say na nag-away kami but… that was weird—to the point na wala kaming paramdam sa isa’t-isa sa loob ng isang linggo.

“Are you free this Friday?” he asked.

Bahagyang kumunot iyong noo ko. “Bakit?” I asked first kahit alam ko naman na na birthday niya ’yon. May party ba talaga? ’Di rin ako invited kagaya nung iba?

“I’m planning to have a party,” he said. “Invite your friends for me, too.”

Bakit ’di niya masabi na birthday niya?

“James and Andrew,” I replied. “If you’ll try to be friends with them, at least learn their names.”

His lips parted for a bit like he was surprised with the tone I used. Na-guilty ako bigla. Bakit ba highblood ako palagi sa tao na ’to? E iniinvite niya lang naman ako sa birthday niya?

“But… yup. Wala pa naman kami plano so far for Friday.”

Joaquin gave a small nod. “Great. Invite James and Andrew for me,” sabi niya.

“Party ng org ’to?” I asked again kasi bakit ba ’di niya sinasabi ni birthday niya? As if secret iyong birthday niya e based sa conversation na narinig ko kanina, mukhang every year naman siya may birthday party?

Mukhang napansin na rin ni Joaquin na maraming nag-aabang na makausap siya. ’Di ko na rin sure kung tungkol pa ’to sa event o mukhang maraming nag-aabang sa kanya para tanungin siya sa details ng birthday niya.

“Can I just grab my things first? We can talk while we walk,” he said.

I just shrugged since medyo weird nga rin mag-usap kapag alam mong maraming naka-tingin sa inyo. Kinuha ni Joaquin iyong bag niya at mabilis na naglakad palapit sa akin na para bang sinadya niya para walang magka-chance para bigla siyang harangin at kausapin.

“Para san ’tong party?” I asked yet again. Totoo naman na madalas may party sa org, pero lagi namang may dahilan—no matter how frivolous the reasons were.

“Just a celebration.”

I rolled my eyes. “Bakit ’di mo na lang sabihin na birthday mo?” I asked.

Napa-tingin siya sa akin na parang ’di niya sigurado kung magugulat o matutuwa siya na alam niya iyong birthday ko.

“Narinig ko lang kanina na pinaguusapan nila na birthday mo na raw sa Friday,” I immediately said to correct his assumption na abangers ako sa birthday niya.

“Right,” he said with a small nod.

“So, bakit ’di mo na lang sabihin sa ’kin na may birthday party ka sa Friday?”

Hindi agad siya sumagot. Sabay lang kaming naglakad. I just waited for him to say something. I didn’t want to fill in the silence.

“I didn’t want to pressure you into coming,” he said after a short while. “I’d been…” He paused. “Sort of reflecting on my behavior.”

Literal na napa-tigil ako sa paglalakad dahil sa sinabi niya. Hindi niya agad napansin iyon kaya nasa harapan ko na siya nung tumigil din siya at tumalikod para humarap sa akin.

“What?” he asked, looking a bit embarrassed dahil sa sinabi niya.

“Who are you? Nasaan iyong totoong Joaquin?” He rolled his eyes. “That’s more like him,” I said.

“Shut up,” he said. “I just had some time to think.”

“Meaning dati ’di mo ginagamit utak mo sa lahat ng katangahan na sinabi at ginawa mo?” I asked with my brow arched.

He was looking at me like he was deciding kung itutuloy niya pa iyong seryosong sinasabi niya o iiwan niya ako dito dahil pinagttripan ko lang siya.

“Fine, fine,” I said as I raised both hands in defeat. “Go on.”

Joaquin didn’t immediately continue talking. He began walking again. I caught up with him at sabay kaming naglakad. He was quiet for a moment—like he was once again finding the courage to talk after I disrupted him. My bad. ’Di ako sanay na may self-introspection siya.

“Our last conversation was bad,” he began. Hindi ako nagsalita. I knew that this conversation was probably already hard for him knowing the kind of person he is. “I had to step back and really listen to what you said and you were right—I did reject you.”

I groaned.

Napa-tingin siya sa akin.

“What? You were right—I rejected you again and again.”

“Kailangan mo ba talagang ulitin?”

He nodded. “For emphasis.”

I groaned again. “Sure. Fine. Whatever.”

“Point is—you were right. I cannot reject you and still expect you to wait around for me. I guess I was just… surprised. That you quickly replaced me.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What? Anong replacement? Nandyan ka pa rin naman. Saka nauna naman si Andrew na nakilala ko?”

“You get my point.”

“Not really but whatever.”

Once again, silence engulfed us. I enjoyed it. The night was nice. The breeze was cold to the skin. Naeenjoy ko talaga ’yung mga ganitong late night walks. Kung wala lang talagang mga holdaper at kidnaper, baka kung saan saan na ako nakapaglakad.

“Point is…” he said and then took a beat. “I really want you in my life.”

“Why?” I asked as I looked at him. “I know that—ilang beses mo ng sinabi sa akin. Pero bakit?”

“I told you—I can be myself around you.”

“You can be yourself around other people, too.”

“They won’t like me much if I do.”

“So?” sagot ko sa kanya. “You don’t have to be loved by everyone.”

His lips parted a little like he didn’t expect to hear what I just said.

“So what if others don’t like you as much? It’s not the end of the world,” I continued. “You just have to find few who do love you and you’ll be fine.”

I mean… I have Andrew and James (and sige na si Joaquin na rin) and honestly, I think I’m doing better than most. Mas gusto ko na na konti man iyong tao sa buhay ko, alam ko naman na sila iyong tipo na ride or die talaga. Hindi kagaya niya na marami ngang naka-palibot pero mas concerned lang naman kung maiinvite ba sila sa birthday party niya.

“Sure,” he said.

“You said if before—wala ka namang pakielam sa mga ’yon kaya bakit ba concerned ka sa kung gusto ka nila?”

Joaquin was just quiet. I knew I was hitting rough spots for him but at the same time, I felt like this needed to be said. Bakit ba kasi walang therapist ’tong tao na ’to? Siya iyong magbebenefit sa mga ganong bagay sa dami ng issue niya sa buhay.

“Nasa politics ba family mo?”

“No.”

“So more reason not to give a fuck sa kung gusto ka ba nila.”

“Sure.”

“Invited ba buong org sa birthday mo?” I asked.

“Yeah. They’re expecting.”

“So, ’di mo pa sila naiinvite?” I asked kasi parang wala pa namang venue.

“Not yet,” he replied. “I wanted to invite you first.”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya at mabilis na nagtama iyong mga mata namin dahil naka-tingin na pala siya sa akin. I quickly averted my gaze and held on to the strap of my bag tighter.

“Ayaw mo ba ng small gathering lang sa mga friends mo?” I asked. “May friends ka from elementary and high school, right? Ayaw mo na sila-sila—” Napatigil ako dahil kumunot iyong noo niya. “I mean tayo-tayo lang sa birthday mo?” I quickly corrected myself. “Won’t that be better? Being surrounded by few people who actually do know you kaysa sa mga tao na gusto lang ng libreng alak?”

Hindi ko napansin na nasa harap na pala ako ng condo ko.

“Think about it,” I said.

“I will,” he replied. “But you’ll be there either way, right?”

I nodded. “Yup,” I said. “Also… thanks.” Napa-kunot iyong noo niya. “I know it wasn’t easy to apologize for your behavior. I really appreciate it.”

His gaze lingered for a little too long, so I just gave him another brief smile before I headed back inside. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 48

I hadn’t told Andrew and James yet tungkol sa birthday ni Joaquin. ’Di ko pa rin kasi alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa Friday. Kung magdedecide si Joaquin na magpa-party as usual, e ’di sasabihin ko na kila Andrew. Pero kung magdesisyon naman si Joaquin na magka-intimate gathering na lang with friends niya, parang mas okay na wala muna sila James? ’Di pa naman sila ganoon ka-close… as far as I was concerned. I mean, goal nung birthday party ay para masanay si Joaquin na ’di siya nagpapaka-plastic sa harap ng ibang tao. High chances na magrerevert na naman siya sa usual niya kung isasama ko sina Andrew at James.

At bakit inooverthink ko na naman ’to? Akala mo birthday ko kung maka-overthink ako.

Come Wednesday, wala pa rin akong naririnig na chismis tungkol sa birthday party ni Joaquin. Pakiramdam ko naman e kung meron e maingay na sa group chat nung org. The fact na tahimik pa, ibig sabihin ba non na sinunod ni Joaquin iyong very wise advice ko?

I fought the urge to ask him sa kung ano ang desisyon niya. Either way, sabi niya e invited naman ako so at one point, malalaman at malalaman ko rin kung ano ang ganap ng Friday.

Come Thursday, bigla kong naalala na kapag birthday nga pala e nagdadala ng regalo. I asked Andrew to go with me sa mall pero busy siya sa internship niya. Pumunta ako sa mall. ’Di ko ineexpect na half-day na paikot-ikot lang ako doon. Ang hirap talaga regaluhan ng mga tao na afford naman nila bilhin kung anuman ang gusto nila! Parang… ano pa ba ibibigay ko sa ’yo e kaya mo naman bilhin kung anuman trip mo anytime?

I was in the middle of eating frozen yoghurt nung maka-tanggap ako ng notification mula kay Joaquin. Agad na binaba ko iyong kinakain ko para mabuksan ’yon. I saw that he dropped a pin.

‘Friday 8PM.’

I quickly clicked on the pin. I saw that it was a restaurant. For some reason, I was really relieved nung makita ko na hindi address ng bahay niya o kaya naman e address ng club. Impossible naman siguro na magkasya kaming lahat na member ng org sa restaurant?

‘Got it. Sino invited?’ I asked. Mamaya kaming dalawa lang pala! Biglang nasa date kami bigla!

‘Some friends.’

‘Oh okay. May dress code ba?’

‘I think no slippers and shorts.’

‘Gago malamang??’

‘Lol just wear whatever. Reservation under my name. See you tomorrow.’

Parang mas nadoble pa iyong pressure na nararamdaman ko sa pagpili ng regalo kay Joaquin nung nalaman ko na mga close friends niya lang ang pupunta. Classmates niya nung elementary and highschool so… mga rich kid gaya niya? Ano ba nireregalo ng mga rich kid sa isa’t-isa?! Ang hirap naman nito! ’Di ba pwedeng thoughts and prayers na lang tutal alam naman ni Joaquin na broke college student lang ako.

’Yung nirereklamo ko na half-day sa mall e naging whole day. Tapos e napa-bili pa ako bigla ng damit kasi inistalk ko iyong restaurant and baka magmukha naman akong basahan kapag ’di ako naka-suot nang maayos na damit.

Mabuti na lang talaga at naging ulirang estudyante ako nung mga nakaraang araw kaya tapos na ako sa mga due for this week ko. Natulog na agad ako pagdating ko sa condo kasi baka mukha akong walking eyebags kapag hindi. Pumasok lang ako sa mga klase ko. Umuwi ako around 6PM tapos ay nagsimula na akong mag-ayos.

I ended up wearing a light blue button down and cream colored khaki pants. ’Di na rin ako nag-accessory kasi fake naman lahat ng accessories ko. Tsk. Bakit ba inooverthink ko mga kaibigan ni Joaquin?!

With 10 minutes to spare, dumating na ako sa may venue. Although I’d like to be fashionably late, mukhang tanga naman kung nauna pa birthday boy kaysa sa akin. Humihinga lang ako nang malalim while being ushered sa private room. Sinabi sa akin na nandon na daw iyong ibang members of the party. Sa sobrang kaba, ni hindi ko na natanong iyong waiter kung ilan na iyong tao doon.

All eyes were on me nang pumasok ako.

Oh.

Very good decision on my part na bumili ng bagong damit dahil… how do I explain it? May something talaga sa mga mayayaman na alam mo na never sila nakaranas ng poverty sa buhay nila.

“Hi,” I quickly said bago ko pa malimutan ang manners ko sa sobrang kaba.

“Hey,” biglang may lumapit sa akin na babae at saka niyakap at bineso ako. “Franco, right?”

“Uh… yes,” sabi ko. Taena. Mapapa-English ba ako the entire night?! Si Joaquin kasi kahit mag-English nang mag-English sa akin, wala akong pakielam. Sasagutin ko siya ng Tagalog. Pero paano na ngayon?! Napapalibutan ako ng mga English speakers?!

“How did you know my name?” I managed to ask bago ako takasan ng vocabulary ko.

“Joaquin told me he’s running a bit late,” she leaned in and slightly whispered. “Told me to look after you while he’s not here yet.”

My lips parted a bit but I had to just give her a smile. I mean… that was the right thing to do, right? As a friend? Kasi alam naman ni Joaquin na ako iyong stranger sa dinner party na ’to. I’d do the same kung siya ang dadalhin ko sa gathering kasama ang mga kaibigan ko. It’s only right.

Jamie, the name of the girl, introduced me to everyone. Mga classmate sila ni Joaquin dati maliban kay Jamie na apparently ay naging kaibigan ni Joaquin dahil parehas silang mahilig magtennis.

“If you’ll excuse me,” biglang sabi ni Jamie. Naiwan ako na kausap iyong iba. Okay naman sila. I mean, sobrang choosy ni Joaquin sa mga gusto niyang maging kaibigan, so I’d be disappointed kung mga gago lang din kagaya niya ang kaibigan niya… but then again, birds of the same feather…

Pagbalik ni Jamie, napa-tingin kami dahil may hawak siyang cake.

“Birthday boy will be here in a minute,” Jamie said habang hawak-hawak niya iyong cake. “Can you hold this?” bigla niyang sabi sa akin. Akmang kukunin ko sana iyong cake pero iyong phone niya pala iyong pina-hawak niya sa ’kin. “Can you take a video while we’re singing the birthday song?”

“Sure,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Great. Thanks, Franco,” sabi niya na naka-ngiti.

Sabay-sabay kaming kumanta ng birthday song nang bumukas iyong pinto. Joaquin rolled his eyes but his friends just laughed like they already knew he’d do exactly this.

“Happy birthday, old man!” Jamie said as she stood in front of Joaquin. I stayed on the side, trying to capture everything on video.

“You’re literally older than me. Does that make you a grandma?”

Hinampas siya ni Jamie sa braso. “Shut up. I’m barely a year older!”

Instead of answering, Joaquin looked around until our eyes met. I gave him a small smile and uttered happy birthday with my mouth. He gave me a smile back.

---

The dinner began.

I really, really tried my best to listen to the conversation but it was easy to get lost when they’re talking about what happened in the past—at malay ko ba sa mga nangyari sa kanila dati?

Instead, I excused myself. Lumabas muna ako. Mabuti talaga dala ko palagi ’tong emotional support vape ko.

“I thought you left.”

Napa-tingin ako kay Joaquin. He actually looked… really good. He’s wearing black button down, black pants, and for some reason, he’s also wearing black rimmed glasses and black stud earrings. Kung totally okay kami ngayon, tutuksuhin ko siya na galing ba siyang photoshoot dahil ba’t ganyan outfit niya?

“Nagpahangin lang,” I replied.

“How were my friends?” he asked.

“Okay naman,” sagot ko.

“Did they bother you?” he asked as he was lighting his cigarette. “Didn’t mean to run late—had to do some stuff for my family.”

“Hindi naman. Pinakilala agad ako ni Jamie sa iba mo pang friends.”

“Good,” he said as he blew smoke. “I thought they’d give you a hard time—they can be assholes sometimes.”

“As if magpapa-bully ako sa kanila.”

Natawa siya. “Right. Should’ve said that I thought you’d give them a hard time since you can be an asshole sometimes.”

“Ang bait-bait ko kaya. Kasalanan ko bang nakaka-pikon ka?”

“Right. Everything’s my fault,” sabi niya. “Why didn’t you bring James and Andrew with you?”

I shrugged. “Maybe next time,” sagot ko. “I wanted you to just be yourself kaya nga small birthday dinner lang, ’di ba? It will defeat the purpose kung may kasama na hindi mo pa naman friends talaga.”

I ignored the urge to look at him dahil ramdam ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin. Instead, I enjoyed my watermelon flavored air.

“Question pala…” sabi ko.

“What?”

“Jamie.”

“What about her?”

“Never kayo nagka-something?”

Napa-tingin siya sa akin na naka-kunot ang noo. “What?”

“What? Question nga lang, e.”

“No,” sabi niya. “I told you—friends are friends.”

“Weh? As in kahit kiss? Never?”

“No,” sagot niya. “Besides, our families are very eager to get us married. So, no way will I flame that delusion of theirs.”

Natawa ako. “Sus. Sinasabi mo lang ’yan. ’Di ba compatible kayo? Obviously, you like her kasi friends kayo… Tapos gusto pa pala siya ng pamilya mo. ’Di ba ’yan na ’yung na-check lahat ng kailangan mo?”

He gave a small laugh that felt more like a scoff. “What do you know about what I want?” he asked as he blew another puff of smoke.

“Don’t you just want to be happy? Like everybody else?”

Napa-tingin siya sa akin. “Not really,” he said.

“Then what do you want?” He shrugged. “Tsk. Ano nga? ’Di ko ibibigay regalo mo.”

“You got me a gift?” he asked na para siyang bata na excited samantalang nahiya nga ako ilabas iyong regalo ko nang makita ko kanina iyong mga paperbags na dala nung mga kaibigan niya.

“Oo pero—”

“Is that it?” he asked habang naka-tingin sa may paperbag sa gilid ko. Sinama ko kanina paglabas ko kasi nahiya talaga ako. Naisip ko na sabihin na lang sa kanila na nalimutan ko dalhin iyong regalo ko.

Bago pa ako makapagsalita e kinuha iyon ni Joaquin. Tinignan niya iyong nasa loob. Kumunot iyong noo niya.

“Ano?” sabi ko na pinipigilan iyong tawa ko.

“What the fuck was I expecting? This tracks, if anything, really,” sabi niya habang pinapakita sa akin iyong regalo ko. Dalawang self-help book ’yon— ‘When It’s Never About You: A People-Pleaser’s Guide’ at ‘The Book Of Boundaries.’

I pursed my lips pero ’di ko napigilan matawa. “Basahin mo ’yan, ha?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’ll think about it.”

We stayed there for a while hanggang tinatawagan na si Joaquin kasi bakit nga naman nawawala iyong birthday boy?

“What?” he asked nang nagstay lang ako doon habang naglakad siya papasok ulit sa resto.

“Kayo na lang. Sabihin mo may emergency ako kaya umuwi na ako.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Why? Did something happen earlier?”

Umiling ako. Alangan namang sabihin ko na na-OP ako kanina sa usapan nila tungkol sa childhood nila, European vacations, and mga startups na gusto nilang simulan na ang budget ay manggagaling kay mommy and daddy? I mean, honestly, good for them pero… I just felt so out of place—like fish out of water.

“Wala naman,” sabi ko. “Bonding niyo na ’yang friends.”

“You’re the reason why I threw this dinner, so why are you leaving me?” he asked while he was staring right into my eyes. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 49

I didn’t have an answer to his question, so instead, I stayed. Okay naman kasama iyong friends niya… Also, na-feel ata ni Joaquin na na-OP ako kaya nung bumalik kami, iba na iyong topic na gusto niyang pag-usapan. I really appreciated that. I mean, ’di ba common sense dapat ’yan? Kung magsasama ka ng bago sa established friend group mo, mag-effort ka naman na hindi ma-out of place iyong kasama mo. Mukhang tanga lang kapag hindi. Sana ’di mo na sinama.

“Are we drinking?” tanong ni Jamie.

“Pass,” sagot ni Joaquin.

“What? Why?!”

“I have errands to run tomorrow that requires me not being hungover,” sagot ni Joaquin tapos ay mabilis na nagpaalam na siya sa kanila. Pansin ko na kapag ayaw niya talaga, ganito ginagawa niya. ’Di naman siya total people pleaser—kaya niya rin humindi kapag ayaw niya talaga o wala siya sa mood.

Dahil magkapitbahay naman kami, sumunod na ako sa kanya nung sinabi niya na sumabay na ako.

“Do you need to go home already?” he asked. Naka-hawak lang iyong mga kamay niya sa manibela na parang hinihintay niya muna iyong sagot ko bago magdesisyon sa kung ano ang susunod niyang gagawin.

I got my phone and checked it. Nakita ko na nagtext si Andrew na pupunta siya sa condo ko para maglate dinner dahil kakatapos niya lang sa ginagawa niya.

“Hmm… Oo, e,” I told him as I typed a reply to Andrew na imemessage ko siya kapag nasa condo na ako. Kawawa naman ’yon baka maghintay sa labas. May susi naman siya ng condo ko kasi siya iyong emergency contact ko in case na mabobo ako at maiwala ko iyong susi ko. Laging nangyayari sa akin nung freshman year ko. Ang mahal kaya ng locksmith! Saka si Andrew iyong responsableng tao na kilala ko. If si James, namatay na ako kakahintay wala pa rin siya siguro.

Pero knowing Andrew? ’Di papasok sa condo ko ’yon kung ’di emergency saka unless sabihin ko sa kanya mismo.

“Boyfriend waiting for you?” he asked.

I wanted to look at his face as he said that, but chose not to. Actually, I was actively choosing not to listen a little too much to the words that were coming out his mouth kasi… basta. Mas okay for mental health.

And friends kami.

Friends.

We both needed to remember that.

“Oo,” sagot ko. “Busy siya sa pagaapply ng internship. Ngayon lang ulit kami magkikita.”

Hindi agad siya nagsalita.

“Do I drop you off at his place?” he asked. His voice was low.

Umiling ako. “Pupunta siya sa condo ko.”

I thought he’d start the car or give a reply—not total silence. Napa-tingin tuloy ako sa kanya. He was looking at me with that… face. Iyon bang alam ko na kating-kati na siya na may sabihin na most likely e simula na naman ng pagtatalo namin?

“Ano?” sabi ko.

“Nothing,” he lied through his teeth. A fucking lame attempt at lying dahil obvious naman na hindi nothing. He started the ignition. “Just that back then,” he began. He couldn’t help himself. “Almost three months and I’d been to your condo thrice,” he continued. “Just thought it’s funny.”

I buckled my seatbelt.

“E gusto mo lagi sa condo mo. May amnesia ka ba?” sabi ko. I kept my tone light because why were we always one wrong word away from arguing? “Saka… iba naman ’yung dati sa amin ngayon. Boyfriend ko ’yon.”

“Right,” he just said as he finally began driving.

I didn’t want to drown in the silence kaya naman binuksan ko iyong radyo at saka nagpatugtog. Mabuti na lang talaga at tapos na iyong rush hour dahil kung mas matagal pa kaming magkasama dito e baka magvolunteer na ako na lumabas at maglakad na lang pauwi.

I quickly unbuckled the seatbelt when he pulled over.

“Wait,” he said as I was about to open the door.

“Bakit?” I asked.

“9 minutes,” he said. Napa-kunot ang noo ko. “9 minutes before my birthday ends,” he continued. Napa-tingin ako sa oras. “Can you stay? At least for 9 more minutes?”

What… was I even supposed to answer?

What was he even thinking?

I’d feel like the biggest asshole kung hindi ko pagbibigyan iyong hiling niya. It was only 9 minutes, anyway.

“Okay,” I said instead.

I rested my back against the seat. I was counting the seconds in my head. Dati, iniisip ko na laging ang bilis ng oras kapag kasama ko si Joaquin pero ngayon? Parang ang bagal. Gusto ko ng lumabas. I didn’t want to be here anymore. Not when I could feel him staring at me like he was trying to take a peek into my soul.

“Ano’ng balak mo after graduation?” I asked because I couldn’t bear the silence anymore.

“Work.”

“Dito o sa Hongkong?”

“Hongkong was the plan,” he replied.

“Was?”

“Things can always change,” he said.

I gave him a slow nod and try not to dwell on his answers too much. “Confident ka masyado na mabibigyan ka ng job offer?”

“They already gave me one,” sabi niya.

Napa-tingin ako. “Weh? Talaga?”

He gave a small nod. “They even asked me to take extra courses this semester and take summer classes, so that I can be done with school by first semester.”

Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko.

I was just asking for the sake of asking but… he’s really leaving?

“Oh,” I said. I gave him a smile. “Nice. Congrats sa ’yo.”

Yeah… I needed to leave. Screw the remaining 5 minutes. Bakit ba kailangang kasama niya ako hanggang matapos ’yung birthday niya?

I felt my skin burning as he grabbed my arm nang akmang bubuksan ko na iyong pinto.

“I still have 5 more minutes,” sabi niya.

“Arte mo naman. Bakit kailangan kasama ako dito?”

“Because you’re my—”

I groaned. “Isang friend pa d’yan, iheheadbang na talaga kita,” sabi ko tapos ay sumandal na ulit ako at pinikit iyong mga mata ko. Magkaka-migraine talaga ako sa kanya!

Instead, I just began literally counting the seconds inside my head. Hindi naman ganoon katagal iyong 5 minutes. Hassle lang talaga dahil ramdam na ramdam ko na naka-tingin siya sa mukha ko kahit na naka-pikit pa iyong mga mata ko.

“Joaquin,” I called.

“Hmm?”

“Pag free ka this week, dinner tayo kasama nila Andrew.”

“What?”

I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Yup,” I said with a smile. Napa-tingin ako sa orasan. 12AM na. “Happy birthday ulit. Basahin mo ’yung mga libro!” I continued as I quickly got out of the car.

Mas okay na siguro na makilala niya talaga si Andrew kasi at this point, para bang vague idea lang siya sa utak ni Joaquin—na para bang boyfriend but since ’di niya naman nakikita, he’s more like a concept? Para at least masiksik sa utak niya na totoong tao si Andrew at talagang parte siya ng buhay ko.

---

The whole weekend e kasama ko lang si Andrew.

It was nice.

Peaceful.

Walang pangamba na anytime e magtataasan kami ng boses.

Although, I guess the toxic part inside my head tells me that this was boring pero… hindi ba ito naman talaga dapat? Iyong kalmado lang? Bakit ba kailangan laging exciting at para ba akong nasa pelikula? Hindi ba mas okay na chill lang?

James was missing the whole weekend. A part of me was thinking na baka kasama niya si Joaquin but then again, Joaquin already apologized for that. But whatever. Kung magka-something man sila, bahala na sila sa buhay nila. Mas feel ko na nagpapaka-tanga na naman ’yon sa straight situationship niya. Baka on the road na rin si James sa pagiging ninong nung anak non. Mukhang gago lang talaga.

“Wrong timing ata,” sabi ko dahil iyong ininvite ko na dinner si Joaquin e nasaktuhan na iyong gago na straight situationship ni James e sinendan siya ng positive na PT nung girlfriend. Minsan… ’di mo na rin gets paano gumagana ang utak ng mga tao.

“Should I warn him?” bulong ko kay Andrew kasi mukhang magwawalwal si James ngayong gabi.

Tumingin si Andrew kay James na nagsasalin ulit ng tequila. Tumango siya. “Saka saan siya uupo?”

“Shit. Oo nga,” sabi ko kasi iyong pwesto namin, square table na magka-harapan. Vacant iyong sa tabi ni James. Nanghahatak pa naman ’yon kapag lasing—as in masisira iyong sleeves ng damit mo level.

Natigilan ako sandali. Kung ako iyong tatabi kay James, weird naman na magkatabi sina Andrew at Joaquin… Kung si Andrew naman ang tatabi kay James, weird naman na ako ang katabi ni Joaquin…

“Siya na lang,” sabi ko kay Andrew. “Marami naman pambili ng damit ’yan.” Napa-tingin sa akin si Andrew na parang nagulat siya sa reasoning ko. “What? Totoo naman!”

Nagpaalam ako kay Andrew sandali dahil nilapitan ko si Joaquin na mukhang hinahanap kung nasaan kami. Dinner kasi sana talaga kaso biglang nagdemand si James na uminom na agad kami. Ayan tuloy, lasing agad. Pride na nilulon lang ata kasi laman ng tiyan niya.

“Fair warning,” sabi ko pagkalapit ko sa kanya. “Lasing na si James.”

Tumingin siya sa may table namin. “I can tell even from a distance.”

“Medyo brutal siya kapag lasing.”

“I know.” Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “We played beerpong together,” he said as though to clarify.

“Ah. Okay,” I said as I shifted on my feet.

We walked towards the table. Once again, I introduced him to Andrew and James. It was a bit awkward at first but nothing alcohol couldn’t fix.

“Parang gago naman kasi talaga, ’di ba? He’d tell me he couldn’t live without me and then come running back to his girlfriend! So fucking indecisive! Dapat sinusunod sa impyerno!” reklamo ni James kay Joaquin. ’Di ba niya alam na king of indecisiveness ’yang kausap niya?

Naka-tingin ako sa mukha ni Joaquin. I saw the discomfort on his face. Well, at least talagang aware naman pala siya sa mga ka-shit-an na ginawa niya sa akin. Litung-lito kaya ako dati.

“Thank you,” sabi ko nang bigla akong abutan ni Andrew ng tubig. He uncapped the bottle for me.

James made a gagging sound. “Ugh. Bakit may mga tao na masaya ngayong malungkot ako?!”

“Alam mo—” I paused kasi mga five hundred times na ata naming naging topic ’to. Ilang beses ko ng sinabi na tigilan niya na ’yang si Tim pero gaya ng sinabi sa akin ni Andrew, it doesn’t matter kung sermunan ko nang sermunan si James. He knows he should leave—he just can’t. He’ll leave when he can. And as his friends, all we can do is be there for him and wait until he finds the courage to do so.

“Excuse me nga muna,” I said as I went to the CR.

I peed quickly and just as I was washing my hands, biglang nagloko iyong tubig. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang bigla akong matalsikan ng tubig. Basang-basa iyong damit ko! Taenang gabi ’to!

’Di ako maka-labas dahil mukha akong basang sisiw. I tried to wipe my shirt with the tissue pero naubusan na. Lumabas ako para humingi ng tissue kaso dadaan ako sa maraming tao. Hassle pota. Nagtext ako kay Andrew na puntahan ako sa may malapit sa CR.

“Anong nangyari sa ’yo?”

“Nasira ata ’yung faucet sa may sink,” I said. “May—” Bago ko pa man matapos iyong sasabihin ko ay pinupunasan na ni Andrew iyong mukha ko at iyong sa may buhok ko. He looked serious while doing so.

“Hatid na natin si James,” sabi niya.

“Ha? Magwawalwal pa ’yon?”

“Basa ’yung damit mo. Aircon dito. Magkakasakit ka.”

I had to bite inside of my cheeks kasi taena… bakit ko ba naisip na boring si Andrew? This was how I should be treated! Hindi iyong kapag convenient lang. Hindi iyong kapag masaya lang.

I couldn’t help myself. I gave him a quick peck.

“Bakit?” he asked, looking a bit confused that I decided to kiss him in public out of nowhere.

I shrugged. “Akala ko okay ka lang sa PDA?”

He gave a slow, unsure nod. “Pero ikaw ’yung may ayaw, ’di ba?”

I shrugged once again. “For tonight, I think I’m fine with it,” I said as I pulled him close, but this time, kissed him like he deserved to be kissed… and I would go on and on if only I didn’t see the look on Joaquin’s face as he caught us kissing. 

**

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Chapter 50

Naka-tingin lang kami sa isa’t-isa.

I didn’t even know what to say when he’s looking at me like that—like I was cheating on him when in fact, I was just kissing my boyfriend.

Joaquin tried to step back quietly, but failed in doing so dahil may naka-tayo sa likuran niya.

“Fuck,” he said. He cursed. This was a rare occurrence. I guess we really did startle him. “Sorry,” sabi niya roon sa nabangga niya.

Napa-tingin na rin doon si Andrew. Wala na si Joaquin. He couldn’t get away quicker. Tumingin sa akin si Andrew na para bang tinatanong niya ako kung ano iyong nangyari kanina.

I merely shrugged and gave him a tightlipped smile. Kasi ano? Sasabihin ko sa kanya na nakita kami ni Joaquin na naghahalikan sa hallway malapit sa CR? Na at one point, nagka-eye to eye contact kami ni Joaquin habang hinahalikan ko siya?

Why the fuck would I even tell him that?

Saka umalis naman na si Joaquin.

Clearly, he didn’t want to see what he just witnessed—I doubted kung sasabihin niya kay Andrew iyong nakita niya.

I was a bit surprised nung makita ko na nandon pa rin sa table si Joaquin. I wouldn’t be surprised kung umalis na agad siya ng hindi nagpapaalam. Did he stay dahil walang maiiwan kasama si James sa table? If so, well, may mabuting parte pa rin naman pala ng pagkatao niya.

“James, uwi na tayo,” sabi ni Andrew.

“What? But it’s still too early!”

“Sa condo na lang tayo uminom,” sabi ni Andrew habang inaalalayan tumayo si James.

Tumingin ako kay Joaquin. “Uh… iinom pa ata kami,” I said, although I was unsure kung totoo ba iyong sinabi ni Andrew o inuuto niya lang iyong lasinggero naming kaibigan. “Sama ka?” I asked kasi weird naman kung hindi ko siya iinvite.

“Okay,” he said.

Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko dahil ininvite ko lang naman siya out of courtesy. “Oh… okay,” sabi ko kasi alangan namang bawiin ko bigla iyong invitation ko sa kanya.

Doon kami sumakay sa sasakyan ni Andrew habang naka-sunod sa amin si Joaquin sa sasakyan niya. It was… fucking weird. I was so fucking weird dahil sa condo ko kami iinom. Taena. Sana ’di magflashback sa akin lahat ng kababalaghan na ginwa namin ni Joaquin dati.

Ang kapal ng mukha ni James dahil ginamit niya pa iyong phone ko para utusan si Joaquin na bumili ng alak bago pumunta sa condo ko. Gusto ko na lang siya ihagis palabas ng sasakyan.

“Naks. Salamat!” lasing na sabi ni James nang pagbuksan niya ng pinto si Joaquin na may dala-dalang paper bag mula sa convenience store.

Dahil feel at home na si James sa condo ko, siya na iyong kumuha ng mga baso at saka naglatag ng mga gamit. He poured a very generous amount in the glass saka inabutan kami isa-isa. He wouldn’t leave us alone hanggang ’di namin inuubos iyong baso ng alak.

“Ayan, ayan. Ganyan dapat,” sabi niya na naka-ngisi nang ubusin ko iyong tanginang baso ng whiskey. Papatayin ata ako ni James!

“Laro tayo!” sabi ni James.

I groaned. “Wag na,” sabi ko kasi nakaka-kaba mga laro na gusto nito kapag lasing, e.

“Sige na!” sabi niya kahit wala sa aming sumasagot. Kung ’di lang namin alam ni Andrew na kapag iniwan namin si James ay pupunta ’to kay Tim o kaya maghahanap ng ibang kainuman, iiwan talaga namin ’to. Liver na namin susuko sa lakas uminom nito, e.

James pulled us all with him hanggang naka-upo na kami sa sahig. He once agai pour generous amount of alcohol sa kanya-kanyang baso namin.

“Alcohol poisoning aabutin natin dito,” sabi ko sa kanya. Tama ba ’yon?! In under an hour, naubos namin ’yung whiskey e apat lang kami?!

“Eh,” James said as he waived his hand. “We only live once.”

“Tanginang motto ’yan,” sabi ko.

Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang ilagay ni James iyong bote sa gitna at saka pinaikot iyon. Ano ’to?! High school?!

“Truth or dare?” sabi niya nang matapat ’yung bote sa harapan ko.

“Dare,” sabi ko kasi… may mga bagay na ’di ako pwedeng sabihin at knowing James, tangina iyong mga tanungan niya kapag ganyan na lasing siya.

“Boring,” sabi ni James. “Five seconds walang malisya nga kay Joaquin.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Gago,” mabilis na sabi ko.

“Sige na. KJ naman nito! Okay lang naman, ’di ba, Andrew? Boyfriend mo na ’yan, e.”

I quickly shook my head. “No. Ayoko. Umayos ka nga.”

“Tss.”

“Bakit kasi spin the bottle? Ano tayo? High school?”

“Sophomore lang tayo, duh? More than a year ago, nasa high school pa tayo.”

“Tss. Kahit na.”

“Whatever. KJ mo. Ako na lang hahalik kay Joaquin,” sabi niya tapos tumingin siya kay Joaquin na kita ko na medyo mapula na iyong mukha. Hindi mabilis malasing si Joaquin pero dahil sa bilis ng pag-inom namin, taena sino ba ang hindi tatamaan?!

Joaquin threw me a look.

For some reason, my heart began to quicken its pace.

Papayag ba siya?

Papayag siya.

He’d do this to get back at me… for some reason kahit na wala namang masama sa ginawa ko dahil hinalikan ko lang naman ’yung boyfriend ko.

“Sorry, I’ll have to pass,” sabi niya Joaquin. My lips parted in surprise.

“Ugh. KJ niyo naman. O baka may girlfriend ka?” James asked.

“Something like that,” sabi ni Joaquin.

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ni James. “What? Seryoso?! Honestly, medyo nabigla ako nung finollow mo ako sa Instagram. I thought lowkey nilalandi mo ako,” diretso na sabi ni James na gusto ko na lang lumubog sa lupa sa kahihiyan. Taena talaga dapat sa aming magkakaibigan e hindi umiinom!

Joaquin let out a short laugh. “No,” he said. “I was just trying to befriend you because you’re friends with Franco.”

Kumunot ang noo ni James. “Huh? Bakit naman?”

Joaquin just gave a shrug like he didn’t want to explain kung bakit. Mas mabuti. Ang weird talaga pakinggan kung paano niya gustong iaccommodate iyong mga kaibigan ko simply because kaibigan ko sila.

“Pero may girlfriend ka? Sino? Tiga-school? Last I heard wala ka naman daw girlfriend?”

Joaquin threw me another look.

I looked at Andrew… who was already drunk at naka-sandal na iyong ulo sa balikat ko at naka-pikit iyong mga mata.

Fuck.

Why did this feel so wrong?

“I didn’t say that I have a girlfriend,” sabi ni Joaquin.

“Situationship?”

“Not really,” he replied.

“E ano nga?”

“Just… something.”

“So, whatevership?”

Natawa si Joaquin. “Yeah, sure. Let’s call it that.”

“Wow… now, I’m curious. Who is she? May clue ba?” Umiling lang si Joaquin. “Aww. Negats ba? ’Di ka type? I mean, pogi ka pero based sa mga kwento ni Franco dati, malakas daw topak mo.”

Joaquin looked at me. “Oh, did he tell you that?”

James nodded. “Yes, before. Also, may ka-situationship din dati ’yan si Franco na masakit sa ulo. Good thing sila na ni Andrew. At least hindi na siya hina-highblood araw-araw. Saka umiiyak—”

I quickly grabbed a pillow at saka tinakpan iyong mukha ni James bago pa kung ano iyong maikwento niya.

“Bastos naman! Nagku-kwento pa ako, e,” reklamo ni James.

Tinakpan ko ulit ng unan iyong mukha niya. “Tumahimik ka muna,” sabi ko.

I gently laid Andrew down sa sahig. Nilagyan ko ng unan iyong sa may ulo niya. One man down. Dapat sumunod na rin si James dahil malapit ko na siyang sakalin.

“Ano—” sabi ko nang bigla akong hatakin ni Andrew. Napa-higa ako at hindi maka-tayo dahil para siyang octopus na pinulupot iyong braso at legs sa katawan ko. “Andrew,” I groaned. “Wait lang kasi. Itatago ko pa ’yung cellphone ni James.”

He began to mumble incoherently. My god. Ang hirap maging tigapag-alaga ng mga lasing! Paano kami natagalan ni Andrew dati?! Gusto ko na lang sila ihagis sa elevator shaft.

I tried to get him off of me but as I struggled, napa-tingin ako kay Joaquin.

Na muli ay naka-tingin sa aming dalawa.

Fuck.

Bakit ba lagi niya kami nakikita na ganito?!

“Uh… patulong naman?” sabi ko sa kanya.

Instead of helping me, he downed a whole glass of whiskey. He stood up. He was looking down on us. I wanted to tell him to help us but that look on his face rendered me speechless for a while.

Joaquin offered his hand.

I had no choice but to hold him.

He quickly pulled me up—but he did in such a way that in a matter of second, we were face to face. I tried to push him away, but he was holding me in place.

“Joaquin,” I called his name. I knew I should tell him to fuck off but he was staring at me so intently.

He didn’t move.

He also made sure that I didn’t move.

“Joaquin,” I said once again.

“Wait,” he said.

“For what?”

Hindi na naman siya nagsalita.

“Did I really treat you that horribly?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Was it all that bad?”

“No,” I said. “There were good times.”

He remained silent like he was beating himself up for it.

“I mean… I did fall, right? Ibig sabihin, it wasn’t all that bad.”

He was looking at me like there were a thousand words he wanted to let out but for some reason, he couldn’t voice a single thought of his.

“I’m sorry for the bad things I did before,” he said. “Please know that it wasn’t my intention to hurt you.”

I had to force myself to smile. “I know. In your defense, you were clear as the sky—you only wanted casual habang ako ’yung nagka-gusto.”

“You were right. Thinking about it now, I understand how my actions can be confusing.”

“Ganon mo rin ba i-trato iyong iba?”

“Who?”

“Ibang friends with benefits mo?”

“You were the first,” he said.

Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko. “First na lalaki? Kasi ’di ba trip-trip mo lang naman?”

Umiling siya. “Just first—and probably only,” he said. “There are people I sleep with and then there are people I call friends—the two don’t really overlap. I just… didn’t know where exactly to place you.”

I tried to ignore the trace of confusion in his eyes. Not my problem.

“Ganyan talaga kapag multi-talented. ’Di alam kung saang category ilalagay,” pabiro na sabi ko dahil iniiwasan ko na mas sumeryoso iyong usapan namin. “Saka… okay naman na lahat. Medyo. Friends na tayo saka masaya na ako.”

Joaquin was holding my eyes in a gaze. “Are you really?” he asked. “Happy?”

“Oo naman,” I said as I forced myself to smile.

“Good.”

“Friends, right?” I said as I took a step back when he finally loosened his hold on me. I offered my hand. “Friends?” I said once again.

“Right,” he said as he accepted my hand and held it like he never wanted to let go. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 51

Joaquin and I had a lot of conversations—mostly though at nagtataasan talaga kami hindi lang ng pride kung hindi ng boses… Strangely enough, our last conversation was the weirdest of them all. Ewan. It had a hint of… closure? Pero parang wala talaga sa personality ni Joaquin na maggiveup lang.

O baka finally e na-realize niya na friends na lang talaga kami?

I mean, ’di naman siya bobo? For sure gets niya naman ’yon. Saka para namang tanga talaga kung sabi siya nang sabi sa akin before na ‘friends’ kami tapos ineexpect niya na siya lang din ang lalaki sa buhay ko? Ano siya? Sinu-swerte?

Anyways, bakit ko ba pino-problema e okay naman na?

Mukha lang akong gago na hintay nang hintay na may mangyaring kakaiba kahit wala naman talaga. Weeks passed and kalmado naman—although it was just… that. Kalmado.

O baka ako lang talaga iyong problema?

Naghahanap ako ng problema kahit wala naman?

“Seryoso?” I asked nung marinig ko na sa beach gaganapin iyong huling party ng org for this sem.

“Yup. End of the school year party,” she said na parang duh of course we’d have to go with a bang!

Siguro ga-graduate na lang ako ng college e may beef pa rin ako sa mga mahaderang orgmates ko. Maayos naman ako nagtatanong tapos mga pabalang sumagot.

Iniwan ko siya after niya magsalita. One year na pala ako dito sa org. Dati e ang bait-bait ko pa. Baka next sem e ako na namimilosopo sa mga epal na ’to. Tsk. How fast time flies!

I looked around para hanapin si Joaquin. Finally, nakita ko siya na nasa isang gilid at may kausap. Ah. Iyong babae na in fairness sobrang loyal niya na tuwing nakikita ko siya na naka-tingin kay Joaquin, may twinkle ang kanyang mga mata.

Naka-tayo lang ako sa isang gilid habang hinihintay sila na matapos sa pinag-uusapan nila. Napa-tingin sa gawi ko si Joaquin. I motioned for him na tapusin muna kung anuman iyong pinag-uusapan nila nung babae. ’Di naman super importante nung sasabihin ko sa kanya.

“What?” he asked.

“Mamaya na. ’Di naman important sasabihin ko,” I said.

“What?” he asked again, this time, with a bit of attitude.

After nga nung weird na usapan namin ni Joaquin, it was like he kind of reverted back to his annoying self—kind of lang dahil ’di na siya super annoying as before. Although feel ko medyo iniiwasan niya. Hindi naman totally pero merong mga instances na nagooverthink ako. Pero baka dahil lang din ’yon sa sinunod niya iyong sinabi ko sa kanya before na dahil may boyfriend na ako, may mga bagay na na ’di namin pwedeng gawin?

Whatever.

Bakit ba overthinking ako lagi kapag tungkol sa kanya?

“Yung sa beach party, pwede sumabay sa ’yo?” I asked. Medyo malayo kasi ’yon saka wala akong ibang ka-close sa org na pwedeng sabayan. Saka may kanya-kanyang lakad sa mga org nila sina Andrew at James. Balak namin magkita after pa non.

Joaquin was looking at me like I just asked him a stupid question.

“Ano nga?” I asked kasi bakit ba ang pikon ng mga tao today?

“Is that even a question?”

Napa-irap ako. “Gaano ba kahirap sumagot ng oo?”

Joaquin just rolled his eyes again. “8AM. Don’t make me wait,” sabi niya lang saka iniwan ako. Epal talaga ’yon!

Dahil tapos naman na ako sa lahat ng school requirements ko, excited na rin ako sa party. I mean, if any, deserve ko magwalwal, noh! Akala ko e mamamatay na ako sa dami nung ginagawa ko. Sino ba naman kasi ang makapal ang mukha na akala mo sobrang talino na kumuha pa ng extra load?! ’Di ko na talaga uulitin!

I prepared a duffel bag. Overnight lang naman kami pero balak kong maligo sa beach kaya may dala akong mga pamalit.

‘May special request ka?’

‘Can you be more specific?’

Himala at mabilis siya magreply. Busy kasi si Joaquin. He did tell me that he took extra courses. Hindi ko matanong kung magte-take siya ng summer class kasi… ibig sabihin non, last sem niya na iyong first sem. Ayoko pang isipin.

‘Snacks. Bibili ako.’

‘Where’

‘Supermarket malamang?’

‘There are a lot of supermarkets around you. Be more specific.’

‘Tinatanong ka lang ng kung ano gusto mo, dami-dami mong sinasabi?’

Akala ko e magrereply pa si Joaquin pero bigla kong nakita na tumatawag siya sa akin. Agad na sinagot ko iyong tawag niya.

“Ano nga gusto mo? Pringles? Cheetos?” I asked.

“Where are you going?” he asked again. Kulit naman nito. Sinabi ko na kung saan ako pupunta. “Are you still in your condo?”

“Yup. Paalis na ako kaya send your order na.”

“Be there in 5 minutes.”

“Ha? Sasama ka sa supermarket?”

“Yes.”

“Bibili lang ako ng pagkain?”

“I’m in charge of bringing snacks,” sabi niya. “Meet you in front of your building.”

Naka-kunot lang ang noo ko nang matapos iyong tawag. Siya? In charge sa snacks? Kailan pa? Vice-president kaya siya ng org? Ang in charge sa snacks e mga new recruit pero… tsk. Whatever. Baka feeling generous lang siya talaga ngayon.

Mabilis na kinuha ko iyong ecobag ko, wallet, susi, at cellphone saka lumabas na ako. Ayaw pa naman non ng pinaghihintay.

“Hello,” sabi ko pagpasok ko sa sasakyan niya.

“Seatbelt,” he said.

“Malapit lang naman.” He just arched his brow in response. “Tsk. Ito na nga,” sabi ko habang sinusuot iyong seatbelt.

Medyo tahimik lang si Joaquin habang nagda-drive—not that naging madaldal siya ever. Hindi lang siguro ako sanay saka marami kasi akong gustong itanong sa kanya pero hindi ko matanong tanong.

“Talaga bang beach party kapag last party for the school year?” I asked because of all the questions I had, that was the safest.

“Not necessarily,” he replied. “Just for this year.”

“Why? Ano’ng meron this year?”

He shrugged, but for some reason, it felt as though he knew the answer but he didn’t want to tell me.

Sabay kaming pumasok sa supermarket. I got the big cart since para sa buong org naman ata iyong bibilhin namin. Tulak tulak ko iyong cart habang kung anu-ano iyong nilalagay ni Joaquin.

“Di naman masarap ’yan!” sabi ko nung may ilagay siya na snacks na overpriced pero mahal. Patunay talaga na ’di porke mahal e masarap. “Di rin masarap ’yan,” sabi ko ulit.

Tumingin sa akin si Joaquin. “Be honest—have you tried all the snacks here?”

“Ang hater mo talaga,” sabi ko. “Di ba pwede na snack-enthusiast lang ako?”

He scoffed. “Sure, whatever,” he said.

“Tsk. Ikaw nga magtulak nito at ako mamimili ng mga pagkain,” sabi ko saka hinatak siya para siya iyong humawak sa cart.

Naka-sunod lang sa akin si Joaquin habang nagshu-shoot ako ng mga pagkain sa cart. Masarap talaga mamili kapag alam mo na hindi ikaw ang magbabayad. Nilagay ko lahat nung mga alam ko na masarap na snacks pati mga snacks na gusto ko ma-try pero ’di ko afford dahil sa allowance ko.

“Bibili din ba tayo ng alak?” I asked.

“No, someone’s buying,” sabi niya.

Tumango na lang ako. ’Di ko na tinanong kung bakit siya ang in charge sa snacks for some reason.

“Do you want anything else?” he asked.

“Hmm… parang okay naman na ’to,” sabi ko. “Ikaw? May gusto ka ba?”

Joaquin just looked at me for a moment. Tapos ay umiling siya. “I’m good,” sabi niya.

Tipid akong tumango. “Okay,” sabi ko.

Joaquin paid for everything—duh. Ang kapal naman ng mukha niya kung pagbabayarin niya ako. Tinulungan ko rin siya na ilagay lahat nung mga pinamili namin sa likuran ng sasakyan niya.

“Galing sa org fund ’yung sa party na ’to?” I asked.

“No,” sagot niya.

“Ah… share-share tayo?” I asked. Fuck. Magkano ambag ko? Nakita ko pa naman ’yung beach house and ang ganda! For sure mahal ang rent don.

“No, I already paid for the place.”

Bahagyang nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “What? Seryoso?”

He nodded as he continued to put the food in the back of his car. He wasn’t even looking at me or anything like he was trying to stop me from asking any more question.

“Ano’ng meron?” I asked because I had to. The curiosity was killing me.

“End of the school year,” he replied. “End of an era—or something like that.”

I felt a lump in my throat.

Yeah.

I shouldn’t have asked.

---

I had to resort to drinking otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Mabuti na lang at nagising ako sa alarm ko dahil alam ko na mag-a-attitude si Joaquin kung male-late ako sa calltime na binigay niya.

“Good morning,” sabi ko.

“What happened to you?” he asked.

“Pahiram,” sabi ko habang kinukuha iyong sunglass niya na Prada. “Nanood ako ng series kagabi,” sagot ko sa kanya kaysa naman sabihin na uminom ako kasi alam ko na kung hindi, iooverthink ko iyong huling sinabi niya.

“Just sleep,” sabi niya.

“Nope.”

“Seriously, just sleep. You look like shit.”

“Wow, thanks, ha.”

“Take a quick nap.”

“Tsk. Fine. Pero one hour lang.”

I reclined the seat tapos ay pinikit ko iyong mga mata ko. I quickly fell asleep… and I didn’t know if it was my mind playing tricks on me, but it was as if I felt Joaquin’s hand caressing my cheek. I couldn’t move. Baka panaginip lang ’to kasi… bakit naman niya gagawin ’yon? We’re already going good—finally. We’re finally getting the hang of this friendship thing that he kept on imposing on me.

So, I pretended to be asleep.

Or continued to be asleep.

Because it must’ve been just a dream.

---

When I woke up, I pretended that nothing happened—ganon din naman siya kasi baka nga naman wala talagang nangyari. Pinagttripan lang ako ng utak ko.

Iyong mga new recruit iyong kumuha ng pagkain sa likod ng sasakyan ni Joaquin. Aba, dapat lang! Si Joaquin na pala nagbayad nito tapos kapal ng mukha nila na pati snacks si Joaquin din?

“Nasan mga tao?” I asked kasi ang dami kong nakita na naka-parada na sasakyan kaso pagpasok namin sa loob e wala masyadong tao.

“Beach.”

“Oh. Oo nga pala,” sabi ko tapos tumingin ako kay Joaquin. “Maliligo ka?”

“Later.”

“Okay,” sabi ko. “Dagat muna ako.”

Iniwan ko iyong gamit ko doon. ’Di naman ako worried kasi taena wala namang kanakaw-nakaw sa mga gamit ko. Baka sila pa nakawan ko d’yan tutal branded ata lahat ng gamit ng mga ka-org ko. Didiretso na sana ako sa dagat nung biglang tawagin ni Joaquin iyong pangalan ko.

“Bakit?” I asked when he motioned me to come over.

“You thought about snacks but not this,” he said as he placed a bottle of sunblock on my hand. “Seriously, your priorities are messed up.”

“Ugh. Hater ka talaga,” sabi ko pero—tsk.

Pero at least binigay niya lang sa akin kasi kung dati? For sure pipilitin niya na siya iyong maglagay nung sunblock sa likod ko so… I guess we’re really slaying this ‘friendship’ thing?

Pumunta na ako sa may dagat. Pero taena talaga ng iba kong orgmates dahil walang pinipili kahit tirik na tirik ang araw e nagmomol. ’Di ba nila na-realize na may ibang tao sa paligid nila?!

I was trying my best to ignore the R18 happenings around me when a name quickly caught my attention.

“Oh… That’s why,” biglang sabi nung isang babae sa gilid ko.

“Yeah. I’ll miss his pretty face.”

“I know. But he’ll really be gone after next sem?”

“That’s what I heard. Apparently he’ll be taking summer classes and then his subjects for the first sem are just for thesis so he doesn’t really need to be at school. I guess Joaquin’s gonna be in Hongkong by then.”

“Aww, that’s why he decided to throw this party. End of an era with Joaquin. That’s so sad.”

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 52

“Are you okay?” Joaquin asked.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Walang salita na gustong lumabas sa bibig ko dahil alam ko kung ano talaga iyong gusto kong itanong—na totoo ba iyong sinabi nila? Na… baka huli na ’to na makikita ko siya? Kasi wala naman akong balak magsummer class. Akala ko makikita ko siya ulit sa first sem—alam ko aalis siya after first sem pero akala ko makakasama ko man lang siya kahit first sem tapos…

Ito na ’yon?

After nito, hindi ko na siya makikita?

Instead, I gave him a smile because I really couldn’t process my own fucking thoughts at the moment.

I walked past him. Dumiretso ako sa ref at saka kumuha ng unang alak na makikita ko doon. I had no plans of getting wasted dahil wala si Andrew para sunduin ako but the situation called for it. I really needed to get drunk tonight.

Joaquin was looking at me as I finish my third drink.

“You thirsty?” he asked sarcastically.

I looked at him. He’s pissing me off. Kumuha ako ng isa pang inumin tapos ay lumabas ako at naglakad-lakad. Mabuti na lang at pagabi na dahil kung ganito na naiirita na ako tapos ay mainit pa, baka hilingin ko na kay Lord na kunin niya na ako.

Naglakad ako nang naglakad hanggang makarating na ata ako sa kabilang dulo. May naabutan pa akong mga mangingisda. Taena ’di ko na rin gets trip ko sa buhay dahil tinulungan ko silang ayusin iyong mga huli nilang isda. Bilang thank you, binigyan nila ako ng tatlong isda na nasa plastic. Sinabi ko na na ’wag na kasi ’di ko naman maluluto pero… tsk. Bahala na nga. I guess breakfast tomorrow.

Medyo nalibang ako sa ginawa ko kaya ’di ko namalayan e gabi na talaga. Naglakad ako pabalik sa beach house.

“Where were you?!” biglang sabi sa akin nung isang ka-org ko.

“Uh… naglakad-lakad,” sabi ko.

“Joaquin’s looking for you! Also, why do you smell fishy?”

Ugh. Ang arte. Malamang nasa dagat kami? Ano naman nakakapagtaka sa amoy ko? Saka iyong isda ’yon!

Sinabihan na ako na hanapin ko si Joaquin dahil apparently ay kanina pa niya ako hinahanap at malapit na pala magpatawag ng coastguard dahil akala nila e lumusong ako sa dagat ng lasing. Grabe naman sila.

I sat down. Katabi ko iyong plastic ng isda dahil baka kainin ng mga stray dogs sa paligid. Naka-tingin lang ako sa reflection nung buwan sa dagat at nakikinig sa hampas ng alon.

“Seriously, where the fuck were you?”

Napa-lingon ako kay Joaquin. He ran his fingers through his hair. He was obviously pissed with the way his jaw was clenching—and with how he just used a curse word.

“Naglakad-lakad,” I merely said.

“Where?” he asked. The annoyance in his tone was still very much evident. “To the fucking moon?”

Ibinaling ko ulit iyong tingin ko sa dagat. I hated how my eyes began to tear up dahil lang nakita ko iyong mukha niya at naalala ko na naman iyong narinig ko kanina. At least habang nagbibilang ako ng isda kanina, nabaling doon iyong atensyon ko. Ngayon, bumalik na naman sa isip ko iyong katotohanan na baka pagkatapos nitong gabi, hindi ko na ulit siya makikita.

“May yosi ka?” I asked him. Wala akong dala na vape. I needed to smoke now.

“Where’s your vape?”

“Nasa loob,” sagot ko. “May yosi ka d’yan?”

Joaquin looked at me like he was trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with me. Instead, he sat down beside me. He got a pack of cigarette from his pocket and handed it to me.

“What’s the smell?” he asked habang naka-kunot ang noo.

“Ah. Ito,” sabi ko sabay pakita nung isda sa kanya.

“Where the hell did you get that?” he asked tapos kinwento ko sa kanya iyong nangyari sa akin kanina. His lips were parted like he couldn’t believe what he just heard. “You’re so random,” he said.

I shrugged. “At least may breakfast na tayo bukas.”

“Do you even know how to cook?”

“Prito lang naman ’to,” sabi ko. “Saka tatlong isda lang ’to. Sa ’yo ko lang ise-share.”

Natawa siya na naiiling. “Sure,” sabi niya. “But even if you were busy with your sideline of helping the fishermen, you could’ve answered one of my many texts.”

“E busy nga ako kanina.”

“I thought you drowned.”

“Asa ka naman,” sabi ko. “Saka kung malulunod man ako sa beach, doon na lang sa pinuntahan natin last sem.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Bakit?”

“Para forever mo na ako maaalala kapag pupunta ka don.”

Napaawang iyong labi niya. “What? What are you talking about?”

Instead of answering him, nilahad ko iyong palad ko para hingin sa kanya iyong lighter. Joaquin, still confused by my demeanor, handed me the lighter.

“Give me that,” sabi ni Joaquin dahil ’di ko masindihan iyong sigarilyo dahil bukod sa malakas iyong hangin, ’di rin ako masyadong sanay sa yosi. Hassle naman nito! At least ’yung vape ko, charge lang okay na.

Joaquin covered my cigarette with one hand and used the other para sindihan iyong yosi ko. I knew that I shouldn’t stare at him while he was doing that but—

“Aalis ka na ba talaga?”

I had to ask.

Now.

Kasi baka magkatotoo bigla iyong sinabi nila na dumiretso ako sa dagat na lasing.

Baka biglang maging premonition iyong mga pinagsasabi nila.

“Where am I going?” he asked like he was trying to play it cool.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Halos isang taon na rin kaming magkakilala ni Joaquin. Kaya ko na rin basahin iyong mukha niya. Sigurado ako na kaya niya na rin basahin iyong mukha ko. Minsan lang… ayaw namin malaman iyong mga bagay na halata naman.

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Kaya ka nagpa-party kasi last na ’to?” I asked.

“What? No. I still have to attend the first semester.”

“Pero thesis subjects na lang ’yon kaya ’di ko na kailangan na nasa school,” diretso na sabi ko.

Why did he keep on trying to omit facts? Ano ang plano niya? Bigla na lang ’di magpakita sa akin ng first sem?

Instead of answering, kumuha din si Joaquin ng sigarilyo. Sinindihan niya iyon at saka humipak ng sigarilyo. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya habang naka-tingin siya sa dagat.

“Who told you that?”

“So, totoo nga? Na magsusummer class ka tapos nasa Hongkong ka na by first sem?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. Things might change.”

“According to what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Umayos ka nga ng sagot.” Natawa siya. “Parang gago naman ’to kausap.”

“Sorry,” he said as he blew another smoke. “I’m really still deciding. On one hand, I really don’t want to leave for Hongkong yet… but on the other hand,” he continued but then he just stopped.

I waited for him to continue.

“But then what?” I asked.

“I feel like it will do me good.”

“Bakit?”

He shrugged. “I feel like I am losing my mind here.”

I had to bite my tongue.

My hands were slightly trembling as I pathetically tried to finish my cigarette.

“But nothing’s decided yet, so I haven’t told you anything yet,” sabi niya. “Don’t worry—I won’t just disappear. I’ll say goodbye and everything.”

My lips were trembling as I tried to finish my smoke.

“Bakit may goodbye? ’Di ka na ba babalik sa Pinas? Akala mo ang layo ng Hongkong?”

Natawa siya. “I know, but I probably won’t be back for a while.”

“Bakit? Ang lapit lang ng Manila.”

“I’ll be busy trying to settle down,” he said but we both knew he’s lying.

“E ’di pwede ako pumunta don?”

“Sure,” sabi niya. “I’ll tour you around if you ever come visit. You can bring Andrew, too.”

Why the fuck did this feel like goodbye?!

I bent my knees and hugged them dahil parang gago na naiiyak ako. Ayokong makita ako ni Joaquin na umiiyak kasi tangina parang tanga lang talaga. ’Di ba ganito naman talaga kapag college friend? Hindi naman kayo forever magkasama kasi syempre iba-ibang landas din ang tatahakin niyo.

Pero tangina bakit ang advance?

May isang sem pa dapat ako.

“Are you seriously crying?” sabi niya nang ’di ko mapigilan na humikbi kasi ’di na ako maka-hinga.

“Hindi, ah,” sagot ko.

“It’s not like I’m dying.”

“Mas okay pa ata ’yon.”

Natawa siya. “Just say that you’ll miss me.”

“Of course I’ll miss you.”

There was that uncomfortable silence between us once again.

“I know,” he silently replied. “I’ll miss you, too.”

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 53

“Ano na naman?” tanong ko sa katabi ko na kulang na lang e mabutas iyong ulo ko sa grabe ang pagkaka-titig sa akin.

“How does that work?” she asked.

“Anong how does that work ?” tanong ko. “Buuin mo kasi tanong mo.”

She gave me a frown. She pouted and pointed at my phone. Napa-tingin din ako doon. May text si Andrew. He was asking me kung tuloy ba iyong dinner namin mamaya. Fuck. Oo nga pala! Nawala na sa isip ko sa dami ng ginagawa ko.

“Ewan ko rin,” I replied.

“But it’s so weird! Na super close niyo pa rin ng ex mo.”

I shrugged. Bakit ba kasi nadulas ako sa babaeng ’to nung nasabi ko an ex ko si Andrew? Totoo pala iyong advice sa akin before na ’wag masyadong ma-share ng personal life sa work. Masyado tuloy ’to invested sa history namin ni Andrew. Tsk. Nabanggit ko lang na ex—’di ko naman nasabi sa kanya iyong buong background namin. Kailangan ko pa bang iexplain kasi… to be honest, ’di ko rin alam kung paano ieexplain na fully maga-grasp niya iyong explanation.

Na… basta.

Basta ganon kami ni Andrew.

Na totoo nga iyong sinabi niya dati na naiintindihan niya ako—probably more than I understand myself kasi bago ko pa sabihin, alam niya na. He didn’t even question my decision. It was like he completely understood me and the storm that was wrecking havoc inside my mind.

And he stayed true to his promise before—he was there for me.

He is still here.

Siguro kami iyong sinasabi na soulmates talaga.

“Hindi ba kapag ganon ibig sabihin hindi mo minahal talaga? Kasi kung minahal mo talaga, you wouldn’t want to be friends… It’s like you’re together… or not at all. No in between. Because think about it—how can you be just friends with someone whom you really loved?”

I just gave her a small smile.

I hated how memories came rushing like waves.

He said that we’ll still be friends—I mean, wasn’t that the very reason why he rejected me again and again? Kasi gusto niya akong maging kaibigan?

Then why did he disappear?

He said that Hongkong’s just near and that he’d be able to visit often.

He said that we’d still talk and that we’d still be in each other’s life.

It went from him telling me about his new work.

To a few messages a week.

To unanswered messages.

I mean, props to him, he messaged me congratulations and even sent me flowers nung grumaduate ako. I was quick to reply to his message. I told him I might go to Hongkong for a vacation dahil grumaduate ako. I didn’t really have any plans na pumunta ng Hongkong. I just said that to see what his reaction would be. He told me before that I could go there and that he’d tour me around.

I received a reply a week after.

I really felt the enthusiasm.

Pero ma-pride talaga ako.

I still went to Hongkong as a graduation gift. I took photos. I posted them. He messaged me on my third day. I replied nung nasa airport na ako. I replied rather passive-aggressively with ‘Sorry ngayon ko lang nabasa message mo. Nasa airport na ako.’

While I was on the plane waiting for it to take off, I muted all of his accounts—just mute because I couldn’t bring myself to unfriend him. Kasi bakit naman? Friends lang naman kami, ’di ba? Wala naman siyang obligasyon na magreply agad sa akin o puntahan ako agad.

Just that… I needed him to be out of my sight, so that he’d be out of my mind as well.

Still, I was thankful. Because of him, nakuha ko iyong isa sa target kong trabaho. My boss told me that Joaquin spoke highly of me. I wanted to scoff nung narinig ko ’yon, buti na lang napigilan ko iyong sarili ko. On the other hand, it felt like I’ll never be truly free from him. It’s like whatever I do, wherever I go, he still lingers on my skin.

---

I had dinner with my friends.

Minsan, sa totoo lang, ayoko na makipagkita ng dinner kasi pagod na pagod na ako sa trabaho ko kaso… na-realize ko na ang friendship, like all relationship, requires effort. Kasi kapag hindi, magugulat ka na lang, isang araw, hindi na kayo nag-uusap.

Tangina.

Pati ba naman mga realization ko sa buhay, kaya kong i-connect sa taong ’yon?

Tsk. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung humihinga pa ’yon o nalunod na ’yon tutal lagi namang pumaparty sa yacht ’yong hayop na ’yon.

Kaysa isipin ko na naman si Joaquin at isumpa siya sa utak ko, nagdesisyon ako na pumunta na lang sa grocery para naman may productive na mangyari sa buhay ko. I tried my best to stick to my grocery list. Sinusubukan ko na talaga maging healthy kasi na-realize ko na kapag nagkasakit ako, walang mag-aalaga sa akin. I mean, sure nandyan si James at Andrew kaso… weird na for me na guluhin si Andrew given our history and kahit naman ’di niya ako sumbatan, I knew I was unfair to him.

Si James naman… taena, no comment. Ayoko na isipin mga desisyon niya sa buhay. Malaki na siya. Basta nandito ako kapag kailangan niya na iiyakan. Bahala na siya d’yan.

So, I guess, at the end of the day, I am alone.

Taena, nakaka-depress naman.

Gustuhin ko man makipagdate, wala akong oras dahil sa trabaho. Kung susubukan ko naman mag-online dating, mas lalo lang akong made-depress.

Mamamatay na lang siguro akong single.

“Bakit ba ang mahal maging healthy sa bansang ito,” bulong ko sa sarili ko habang naka-tingin sa presyo ng lettuce. I was debating kung ano iyong kukunin ko nang bigla akong mapa-tingin sa gilid ko.

“Overworked na siguro talaga ako,” I murmured to myself when I thought I saw Joaquin… Bakit ko naman makikita dito ’yon e nasa Hongkong ’yon? Saka kung nasa Pinas ’yon—tsk. Asa din naman ako na sasabihan ako nun kung pupunta sa Manila ’yon. Baka nga ilang beses na umuwi ’yon dito pero ’di ko lang alam. Dami niyang sinabi na maging friends kami. Sinungaling talaga ang hayop.

Tangina niya talaga mabulunan sana siya kung nasaan man siya ngayon.

In the end, binili ko pa rin lahat ng nasa grocery list ko. Kailangan ko pang mabuhay ng matagal para matagal din akong iiwasan ni Joaquin. Swerte niya naman kung mamamatay agad ako at mawawala sa landas niya. Leche talaga siya.

---

The next day, bilang alipin ng salapi, pumasok ulit ako sa trabaho.

“Psst.”

“Ano?”

Ano pa ang silbi ng may sari-sarili kaming cubicle kung lagi akong kakausapin nitong katabi ko? Kung pwede lang magsumbong sa upper management at sabihin na paghiwalayin kami nito, e.

“Alam mo ba na last Friday na pala last render ni Sir Aga?”

Napa-kunot noo ko. “Nagresign siya?”

“Fired!” sabi ni Sheena. “Remember ’yung issue sa isang corporate client? ’Yung ’di na-check na maayos kaya na-post tapos pinutakte ng bashing ’yung brand?”

Ah… oo. Taena buong department nagulo dahil ’yon. ’Di ko rin alam kung paano na-post ’yon. Usually maraming approvals bago ma-post kahit anong campaign. Pero ayoko rin naman magmalinis kasi no one’s perfect. Kahit ako naman nagkakamali din pero kasi feel ko kapag head ka na tapos ang laki-laki ng sweldo mo, dapat walang ganong mga mali. So… ewan. ’Di na rin ako nagulat na natanggal siya sa trabaho. I kinda feel bad lang kasi buntis pa ata asawa non. Tsk. Another reminder na disposable tayong lahat sa trabaho natin kaya ’wag umarte na parang tigapagmana.

“Ah, kaya may meeting?” I asked. Naka-receive kasi ako ng email kanina na may meeting. ’Di ko nabasa ’yung agenda. Baka tungkol sa kapalit ni Sir Aga?

“Yup. Iintroduce daw ’yung bago.”

“Ah. Sana mabait.”

“Magaling daw, e. Import galing HQ sa Hongkong.”

Agad na natigilan ako sa ginagawa ko.

No.

Asa naman.

Marami namang galing Hongkong.

’Di lang naman siya ang nagta-trabaho doon saka… malay ko ba kung nasa Hongkong pa siya o nasa ibang dako na ng mundo? Hindi naman na ako updated sa buhay niya. Kahit sumilip sa LinkedIn niya ay hindi ko pinapayagan iyong sarili ko kasi slippery, slippery slope iyon.

Saka baka patay na ’yon.

Rest in peace na lang kung sakali.

“Mukhang big deal talaga blunder ni Sir Aga kaya nagpadala HQ ng galing sa kanila mismo.”

I excused myself dahil wala ata siyang balak na tumigil sa kaka-salita. I headed to the rooftop. Fuck. This was one of those times when I wish na naninigarilyo pa rin ako. Taenang healthy living ’yan tapos what if masasagasaan lang pala ako?

I checked the email.

Walang naka-lagay doon tungkol sa agenda sa meeting… probably kasi mamaya pa nila iaannounce na tanggal na si Sir Aga at may bagong papalit sa kanya. Wala iyong pangalan nung papalit sa kanya. Asa naman na si Joaquin ’yon.

Saka kung siya man… na malabo mangyari… ano naman magagawa ko?

“Tangina talaga,” bulong ko sa sarili ko bago ako tumayo at saka dumiretso sa pinto. Maka-bili na nga ng sigarilyo sa baba. Nase-stress ako bigla. May 20 minutes pa naman bago iyong meeting. Pwede pa akong magyosi.

I was watching as the numbers on the elevator go down. I tried to focus my entire attention on that. I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to empty my mind. Wala naman kasi akong magagawa. Mamaya ko na iisipin kapag alam ko na talaga. For now, kailangan ko ng sigarilyo. Baka kasi talaga masasagasaan lang ako kaya bakit ba ako nagpapaka-healthy pa? E ’di maging human tambutyo na lang ako.

“Finally,” I said as I saw G on the monitor.

I knew that I should hurry to get out of the elevator.

But as I saw his face, it was like my entire body froze.

He saw me, too, but his face didn’t mirror the chaos that was myself.

It was unfair.

My mind was in a haywire. I should greet him… right? Because we’re still friends… technically. But we haven’t talked in a long while. Pero magkaibigan pa rin naman kami… ’di ba?

But then my gaze shifted on his hand.

Specifically on that ring on his finger. 

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 54

The look on his face was the complete opposite of mine—I was quite sure that I looked like a deer caught in headlights… Kasi kahit may maliit na boses sa utak ko na sinasabi na may posibilidad na siya iyong sinasabi nila na papalit kay Sir Aga, a part of me was still hoping na hindi siya ’yon.

Kasi ano na naman iyong mukha na ihaharap ko sa kanya?

I couldn’t even bring myself to open our conversation thread. It was painfully one-sided. Para sa tao na insistent na maging magkaibigan kami… tangina niya talaga.

I tried my best to compose myself, but I could only do so much—especially when my gaze wouldn’t leave that ring on his finger. What? Did he get married? Engaged? Not that I was expecting an invitation but… wow.

“Franco.”

That was his first word to me in what? Over a year?

Why didn’t he even surprised to see me? Kung sabagay, sa aming dalawa, sino ba iyong umiwas? Sino ba ang may upper hand? It felt like everything that has happened between us so far, it was all according to what he wanted.

He wanted to be friends with benefits? Sure.

He wanted to be friends? Sure.

He wanted to fucking ghost me once again? Fucking sure.

Lahat na lang siya ang nasusunod.

‘Smile,’ sabi ko sa sarili ko. ‘Be cool.’

“Uy,” sabi ko na may naka-dikit na pengeng ngiti sa mukha ko kasi… ano’ng choice ba ang meron ako? Pwede ko ba siyang sumbatan na ’di siya nagparamdam? E magkaibigan lang naman kami?

Once again, I took a deep breath.

“Ikaw ba ’yung sinasabi nila na bagong corporate partnerships lead?” I asked as I begged myself to not be painfully obvious about how uncomfortable this meeting was for me.

He gave me a small nod.

“Buti pumayag ka,” I said as I stepped out of the elevator. Mas kailangan ko ng sigarilyo ngayon. “Mukhang enjoy na enjoy ka sa Hongkong, e.”

“Hongkong was fine,” he said.

People started to get in the elevator. Sumara na iyon at nagsimulang umakyat pero nasa harapan ko pa rin si Joaquin. I hated how my eyes betrayed me and looked at him—I looked for familiar traces of him as well as the changes that I was only now seeing dahil sa tagal na hindi ko siya nakita.

I hated how uncomfortable I was.

“Baka ’di ka na naman naka-tanggi,” I replied. “People pleaser ka pa rin.”

He just gave me a tightlipped smile. And for some reason, that caught me off-guard… Because the Joaquin I knew would definitely have some bullets in his chamber ready to fire. But this one in front of me? I do not know him.

I began to walk.

Ewan.

Some sense of self-preservation?

“Won’t you attend the meeting?” he asked as I began to take my first few steps away from him.

“Aattend,” I replied. He just looked at me like he was asking na kung aattend naman pala ako, saan ako pupunta ngayon?

“May bibilhin lang ako,” sagot ko.

“Ah. Okay,” he simply replied before he once again gave me a nod and he went on to click the elevator button.

I quickly walked away from this stranger.

---

I bought a pack of cigarettes with a plan to smoke as many as I could bago iyong meeting…Kaya lang ay bigla kong naisip na kausap ko si Joaquin at amoy tambucho ako kaya napatigil ako. Instead, I ended up buying a bubblegum.

I already knew I was late basing on the fact na walang tao sa office. Huminga ako nang malalim bago ko buksan iyong pintuan sa may conference room. Normally kapag ganito na may late, nasa kanila ang atensyon ng lahat kapag pumasok sila sa conference room. This time? Lahat ng atensyon ng tao ay nasa lalaki na nasa gitna at nagsasalita.

‘Same old Joaquin,’ I thought to myself. Everywhere he goes, he really just commands attention.

Tahimik akong naupo. I watched as he introduced himself. Everyone was in awe of him… some probably jealous. Sino ba naman ang hindi? It was obvious that he was young—he definitely could still pass as a college student pero ano? Head na agad siya ng corporate brands? I knew he’d be the topic of gossips—just like before. But I also knew that he’d surpass expectations—just like he always did.

I mean, he could be really fucking frustrating but when it came to his work ethics? Wala akong masasabi sa kanya.

“Any questions?” Joaquin asked after his brief presentation of his short term and long term goals.

“Married?”

Lahat kami ay napa-tingin sa nagtanong. Seriously… Curious din naman ako pero—

“I mean questions about work,” Joaquin replied with a small polite smile. “If there’s nothing, I look forward to working with you all.”

Joaquin gave another small nod. Did he even see that I was here, too? O kagaya ng dati na hindi niya na naman ako pinapansin? Would he only talk to me when it’s convenient? And why was this grating on my nerves?

“Parang gago ’to,” sabi nung katabi nung nagtanong kung married na ba si Joaquin.

“What? I was just asking the necessary question!”

“Di mo na lang istalk online.”

“Oh, I did! Wala siyang social media.”

Agad na napa-kunot ang noo ko. I grabbed my phone to check Joaquin’s Instagram. Napaawang ang labi ko nang hindi ko na makita ’yon. He deactivated… right? Kasi hindi rin nila makita… Kung hindi ko narinig ’yon, I may have spiralled into overthinking na binlock ako ni Joaquin.

I stood up and got out of the conference room dahil wala pa ata silang balak na tumigil sa pag-uusap tungkol kay Joaquin. I didn’t need to hear his name repeatedly. I was thinking about him more than I should already—I didn’t need outside reinforcement.

Bumalik ako sa cubicle ko. I put on my headphones and focused on working… but it was hard to focus on work when I fully knew that he was just a few feet away from me.

Some of my colleagues asked kung gusto kong sumama maglunchout. I declined. Lumabas ako nung nakaalis na sila. I headed straight to the pantry and grabbed an energy drink from there tapos ay umakyat ako sa rooftop… I thought I’d get some quiet there but apparently, someone had the same idea.

“Cigarette and energy drink?” he asked, judgement in his tone was very evident.

“Lunch starter pack ng corporate slave,” I replied.

There were only two benches there. Kaya rin siguro wala masyadong umaakyat dito dahil malaki ang chance na may naka-upo na sa mga bench at nakaka-tamad din naman na tumayo. I occupied the other bench.

“How are you?” he asked.

The fucking audacity of this asshole.

“Okay naman,” I replied… although what I really wanted to say was that for someone who had to repeatedly break my heart because he was insistent on becoming friends… he sure did disappear from my life so easily.

“Ikaw? Kamusta ka?” I asked… although I really wanted to hear the answer to the question asked before. Was he married? Engaged? Can I even ask him that?

I hated that I thought we’re friends… I really thought we were… But just with him deactivating his Instagram, I realized that I had no way of knowing what was happening to him.

That apparently, our connection was only skin deep.

“Fine,” he replied.

“Just fine?”

He nodded. “Hongkong was just fine, but Philippines will always be home.”

The sour expression on my face appeared quicker than I realized. “Sure,” sabi ko at saka sinimulan na sindihan iyong sigarilyo ko. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya dahil naka-tingin siya sa akin. “Gusto mo?” I asked.

Umiling siya.

“What? You don’t smoke anymore?”

Umiling siya ulit.

Who the fuck was this pretender in front of me?

“Weren’t you the one who told me before na kung sisirain ko ang baga ko, at least do it properly?”

He gave me a small nod. “I did say that before,” he said. “I did talk a lot before.”

I scoffed. “In the guise of being polite,” sabi ko. “Ganon ka pa rin naman ngayon,” I quipped. Pinatawag niya isa-isa sa office niya kanina iyong mga tao. Kaya siguro ito ang lunch ko dahil alam ko na mamaya ay ipapatawag niya na rin ako sa office niya.

“Am I?” he asked like he’s genuinely curious. “I only talk to people if it’s work-related.”

“So, work-related conversation din ’to?”

“No,” he said. “It’s a conversation between two friends who haven’t seen each other in a while.”

He was merely stating the truth but why was I so pissed off?

“Right…” sabi ko sabay buga ng usok. “Whose fault was that?”

“No one’s.”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Gusto ko siyang sumbatan pero hindi ko magma.

“I know you’re angry at me,” Joaquin said. “But I don’t want to apologize for that.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Wow…”

“I did tell you I was losing my mind, right? Remember our conversation in the beach?” he said while he was looking straight into my eyes like he wanted me to believe whatever lie he was saying. “Remember all the shit I did? I tried to ruin your relationship? Tried to get together with your friend? I’m not claiming to be a saint, but I had rules I abide by. I don’t even mess with people who’re already in a relationship. But at one point… I did things I’m not proud of.”

“Pinagusapan na natin ’yan dati.”

“I know,” he said. “Still, I had to leave so I can breathe.”

“I understand,” I said. “But you did say that we’ll keep in touch.”

“Yeah.”

“Liar.”

“I did try.”

“Akala mo ’di ko napansin na three days late ka magreply lagi?”

“I mean, technically, I still did reply.”

“Fuck you.”

“You did. Before,” he said. “All in the past now.”

Natahimik ako.

Right.

“Ipapatawag din ba ako sa principal’s office mamaya?” I asked because I didn’t want the silence to consume us again.

“Yeah. Same as everyone. No special treatment here.”

“Aww. Kahit sa ex-friends with benefits?” I said because he was the one who began the jab.

Umiling siya. “The only benefit you can get from me now will be free dinner every once in a while,” he said.

I forced a smile. “Prepare your credit card—I have more expensive taste now.”

“Really? How can you afford? I know how much your salary is,” he said. My lips parted. Natawa siya sa reaction ko. “I missed this,” he said.

I just nodded at him because I did understand.

I did miss him, too.

It’s probably the reason why despite all the toxicity between us, there’s just this… strange pull.

Andrew might be my soulmate but Joaquin?

He’s my twin flame.

We’re moths drawn to each other’s flame, burning beautiful and bright until there’s nothing left but ash.

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 55

I didn’t know if it was a good thing or bad thing na walang nakakaalam sa mga ka-trabaho ko tungkol sa ‘history’ namin ni Joaquin. The chat group was flooded with complaints sa pagka-demanding niya. He was introduced to the team yesterday. Today, he met with each team member. This night, he sent an email that we’ll have a meeting tomorrow and that we have to present strategy for this quarter.

Yeah… of course he’d be hated. Halos isumpa ko rin siya dati dahil sa pagka-demanding niya e org ko lang naman siya at may mga requirements din ako sa acads ko. I still remember him telling me na wala namang pumilit sa akin na sumali sa AIESEC pero ngayon na nandito na ako, I should do my responsibility kasi kung hindi, iyong mga kasama ko ang magsa-suffer… I mean, he’s a prick most of the times, but he did make sense.

Same here.

Wala namang pumilit sa amin na magtrabaho dito.

Instead of sleeping, I spent hours preparing for my presentation. This was the first time we’d meet as professionals. I knew Joaquin’s expectations of me couldn’t be that high… ’Di naman stellar iyong contribution ko sa org before. I guess I just wanted him to see me in a different light now.

He changed?

So did I.

Hindi na ako sobrang patapon kagaya ng dati… I grew. Kind of. But he didn’t need to know that.

I slept for only two hours kaya naman bago ako pumasok sa opisina ay dumiretso muna ako sa coffee shop for my much needed caffeine fix. I was looking at the menu—deciding kung ikamamatay ko ba ang four shots of espresso.

“Nitro cold brew,” I said to the barista.

“Iced Americano,” the very familiar voice behind me said.

I immediately saw him sliding over his credit card. That fucking ring on his finger didn’t escape my eyes once again.

Hindi ko pa rin matanong iyong singsing na ’yan.

“Ready for today’s presentation?” he asked.

“You sent the email at 9PM.” He shrugged. “Sinusumpa ka nilang lahat.”

He shrugged once again. “Work is work,” he simply said like he didn’t even care na sinusumpa siya ng mga tao sa opisina.

I stared at his face… that familiar face that somehow didn’t feel too familiar at times.

“Thanks,” I said when he handed me my drink. “Libre kita sa susunod.”

We were walking side by side. Did we look like we knew each other from before? Siguro mas okay na ’to. Ayoko rin naman na maka-rinig ng mga pangtatalkshit nila kay Joaquin. I mean, kung may mangtatalkshit sa kanya, ako lang ’yon. Baka kasi isang beses e masagot ko sila. Ayoko pa naman ng kaaway sa work. Si James may kaaway sa work. Ang toxic nilang dalawa. Ayoko na magka-ganon din ako.

“No, it’s fine,” he said. “Told you it’s one of the benefits of our friendship—occasional dinners and coffees.”

I didn’t quite like how this… casual friendship thing was easy for him—too easy. It felt like I was the only one who was still struggling to figure out on how I’d act.

Ganyan ba ang epekto ng Hongkong?

Kailangan ko rin bang magHongkong?

But I’d be reminded of him sa Hongkong… What if Singapore?

We talked… but I wasn’t able to ask the real question that’s been bugging me—kasal na ba siya? Engaged? Kaya ba ayaw niyang sagutin iyong tanong sa kanya?

Would it seem like I was overstepping whatever imaginary boundaries he has kapag tinanong ko ’yon?

“Good luck,” he said.

“Ha?” kinabahan na tanong ko. Bakit siya naggogoogluck? Did I unconsciously blurt out the thoughts that were flooding my mind?

“In your presentation,” he said.

“Ah,” I replied. “Thanks.”

Pagpasok ko sa opisina, kita ko na busy ang lahat. Akala ko e may makaka-kita na sabay kami dumating ni Joaquin. It was actually the opposite—lahat sila mukhang occupied at stressed dahil sa last minute presentation requirement. I settled in my cubicle and once again checked my presentation. I was satisfied with it. I mean, halos ’di na ako matulog dahil dito.

“Good morning,” Joaquin stated pagpasok niya sa conference room. “Let’s address the elephant in the room. The previous leadership’s failure wasn’t just a misstep. It was a complete strategic collapse.”

Suddenly, the air in the room was thick with tension.

I mean, Sir Aga wasn’t the best pero syempre ang tingin pa rin kay Joaquin ay replacement niya. Kumbaga, kahit wala namang inagaw na trabaho si Joaquin, para sa iba, ganon pa rin.

Iba na nga siguro si Joaquin… Wala na siyang pakielam kung ’di siya magustuhan ng mga tao sa trabaho. Basta work is work.

He really is a familiar stranger.

“I’ve studied every single project report, every performance metric from the past two years. And here’s what I know—we have potential. Significant potential.” He paused and looked around. He paused when our eyes met. Only for a brief moment. But he subtly shook his head like he was trying to remind himself of something… pero ano ’yon? “I’ll be demanding. Exceptionally so. Because I know what this team is capable of when pushed.”

The presentation began.

Taena. Mas lalo akong kinabahan. Para akong bumalik sa college dahil parang may panel interview sa thesis. Some tried to open their laptop probably to tweak their presentations, but Joaquin told us to give attention to who’s currently presenting so that we’ll all be on the same footing regarding what will happen.

Fuck.

“Content strategy overview,” he called. Tangina. “Show me you understand our positioning.”

Huminga ako nang malalim. My fingers were slightly trembling as I connected my laptop with the screen.

Okay.

I practiced.

Kaya ko ’to.

“Our current content ecosystem lacks strategic adaptability. I’ve developed a modular framework that allows for rapid content reconfiguration across platforms.”

I began to show the slides I prepared.

“Let me illustrate the core inefficiency we’re facing. Currently, our team spends 73% of their time reformatting existing content for different channels. A single blog post requires six separate adaptations—LinkedIn carousel, Instagram story sequence, Twitter thread, YouTube script, podcast talking points, and email newsletter format,” I began. “This isn’t just inefficient—it’s creatively stifling. Our writers are becoming translators instead of storytellers.”

I began to glide through the slides. I felt Joaquin’s eyes eagerly watching me. I could feel the fast beating of my heart but as I went on my presentation, I became more stable.

“By analyzing our previous quarter’s performance, I identified three critical market segments we’ve been systematically underserving. Our new approach creates tailored content vectors that can be instantly repositioned,” I stated as I reached the end of my presentation.

Joaquin looked at me. “Specific example?”

“Our tech vertical. We’ve been treating it as monolithic. In reality, it’s three distinct audience groups with different consumption patterns. Our current approach is losing us approximately 37% potential engagement,” I replied.

There was… a small smile on his face. Tama ba ako? O nasobrahan na ako sa kape kaya nagiimagine na ako? “Precise metrics. Continue,” he said, sounding… impressed?

I continued with my presentation.

Break down those audience groups. Specifically,“ Joaquin stated.

“First, enterprise tech decision-makers. Average age 35-45, consume long-form content, value depth over brevity. Second, startup tech enthusiasts. 25-34, prefer multimedia, quick insights. Third, tech-adjacent professionals. Broader demographic, need simplified translations of complex technologies.”

Joaquin gave a small nod. “Monetization strategy?”

I forwarded to the slide that will answer his question. “Tiered content model. Enterprise segment - premium subscriptions. Startup group - ad-supported, high-engagement formats. Tech-adjacent - freemium model with strategic upselling.”

Nasobrahan na ata ako talaga sa kape kasi bakit parang impressed siya sa akin? I mean, pinaghirapan ko naman talaga ’tong presentation pero… I guess ’di lang ako sanay na impressed siya sa akin? It was like I was reverting back to when we were in college at siya iyong well-accomplished senior ko at ako iyong… basta nandyan.

“And partnership opportunities?” he asked.

I drew a deep breath. “I’ve identified three potential tech platforms that align with our audience segmentation. Each represents a different entry point into our targeted groups.”

I pulled up a detailed partnership proposal.

Joaquin nodded. “Comprehensive. But can you execute?”

I drew another deep breath.

Fuck it.

This wasn’t college anymore—I am an accomplished professional just like him.

“I will email the strategy from proposal to performance within the day.”

---

Ang kapal talaga ng mukha ko nung sinabi ko sa kanya na ieemail ko within the day… considered as within the day pa rin naman ang 11:59PM.

Nakauwi na sa kanya-kanyang bahay nila iyong mga ka-work ko pero nasa opisina pa rin ako dahil makapal ang mukha ko. I even had to cancel dinner with my friends dahil sa kapal ng mukha ko. ’Di ko pa sinasabi sa kanila na nandito si Joaquin kasi… basta. Saka na kapag na-figureout ko na kung ano ang nangyayari.

“You know you don’t have to send it within the day?”

“Taena naman,” sabi ko nang magsalita si Joaquin bigla. Nasobrahan na ako sa kape. Kahit ata tapikin lang ako e aatakihin na ako sa puso agad.

“You should scale back on the caffeine,” he said.

“Bakit nandito ka pa?” sabi ko kasi 10PM na.

“Won’t look good if I go home earlier than my subordinates.”

I made a face. “Feel na feel mo naman na boss ka namin.”

He shrugged and gave a small smile. He pulled the chair in the cubicle next to mine. Sumilip siya sa presentation ko.

“Wag mo nga tignan. ’Di pa ’to final,” I said.

“Just send it within the week.”

“Matatapos na ako.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. “Would you rather send a rushed output or a well-prepared one?”

Napa-tigil ako. “Fine,” I said because he’s right. “Send ko within the week.”

“Do you have plans?” he asked.

“Meron sana kaya lang… may demanding akong boss.”

He just gave a small nod. “Right,” he said with that weird tone. “Do you want to have dinner?”

“Sure. San?”

“Do you have any suggestion? I haven’t been back in a while.”

I gave him a suggestion. Sa dami ba naman ng restaurant na pinuntahan namin dati, alam ko na kung ano ang trip niya sa buhay.

“Looks great. Let’s go,” sabi niya.

“Ah. Dala ko sasakyan ko. Kita na lang tayo don,” I said.

He looked a bit surprised. For some reason, I was delighted. See? Hindi lang ikaw ang nagbago.

He didn’t ask and I didn’t tell him. I got my car mainly because I didn’t want to bother Andrew to drive me around. I mean, if I ask, I knew that he definitely would but… ’di naman ganon kakapal ang mukha ko. I knew I had to learn how to be on my own without depending on him, on my friends, or on anyone else.

Joaquin was already inside when I arrived. May mga iba na waiting pa sa labas. How quickly did I forget that at the end of the day, he’s still Joaquin… Of course he knew someone who can easily grant him access to wherever he wanted to go to.

We ordered food.

We skirted around safe topics.

That fucking ring was such an eyesore.

“But you’re driving,” he said when I ordered a glass of wine.

“One glass lang naman,” I replied as I took a sip—no more like I downed the whole glass in a go because I needed it.

Joaquin was looking at me like he was trying to figure out what was happening.

“So, you’re married?” I asked because I couldn’t take it anymore when he’d sometimes touch that ring like it was some sort of emotional support. Bakit naman kailangan niya ng emotional support e ako lang naman ang kaharap niya?

Agad na kumunot ang noo niya.

“What?”

I pointed at the ring. “Ano ’yan?”

Napa-tingin din siya don. “Oh. This.”

Oh?

This?

Iyan lang ang reaction niya kahit ilang gabi ko inisip ’yang singsing na ’yan?

“Do I look like I am married?” he asked.

Dapat ba isang bote na ang inorder ko?

“If you got married and you didn’t even invite me… fuck you talaga.”

He laughed. “I’d never dream of getting married without you there,” he said.

Yeah.

Should’ve ordered the whole damn bottle.

He held the fucking ring again.

“I just wear this because I’m tired of people asking me if I’m single and if I am, if they can introduce someone to me.”

I just looked at him. “Why? I mean, back in college, understandable na ayaw mo ng commitment… but we’re older now.”

He gave a small nod. “Precisely. We’re older now. I know what I want. And if it’s not what I want, why would I even bother? I’m not into wasting time and effort anymore,” he said as he stared right into my eyes. 

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 56

“Wala ka man lang pa-pizza d’yan?” tukso ko kay Joaquin.

He looked at me like he was genuinely confused. “Why?” he asked. “They’re paid. It’s not like it’s free labor.”

“I know pero—” Napa-tigil ako. Possible ba talaga na magbago ang tao? Iyong as in magbago? Kasi back in college, kulang na lang patirahin niya sa may bahay nila iyong mga ka-org namin. Ang hassle kaya non kasi sabi niya pa narereklamo lagi siya sa HOA nila dahil sa ingay kapag may party.

Tapos ngayon… ultimo pizza lang na ’di naman babawas sa kayamanan niya, hindi niya mabigay sa mga ka-work namin na halos isumpa na siya sa pagiging demanding niya?

Grabe naman iyong 180 degree change niya.

“Should I?” he asked.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

“Buy pizza,” he said. “Or food.”

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya. He looked as genuinely baffled as me, although for completely different reasons.

“Nung college kulang na lang bigyan mo ng extension ng credit card mo ’yung org,” I said before I could even think about it.

He gave a slow nod like he was thinking about our college days. I couldn’t help but stare as he rolled up his sleeves. It wasn’t even helping na kami na lang iyong tao dito sa office dahil gumapang na pauwi iyong iba.

“I really was a people-pleaser,” he said.

Napa-tikom ako ng bibig dahil sa sinabi niya. “I mean, observation lang naman!” mabilis na sagot ko. Bakit ba ako na-guilty? Totoo naman. Grabe pagka-people pleaser niya before.

“No, it’s fine,” he said. “I did talk about that with my therapist.”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya na bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo. “Therapist?”

He nodded. “Yeah. She’s based in Hongkong, though. I still have to find one who’s based here. I’m not a big fan of online sessions.”

Palalim nang palalim iyong kunot ng noo ko. Si Joaquin? Nagthe-therapy? What was happening?

He probably saw the confusion on my face. He grabbed his already already watered down iced coffee and looked at me.

“I thought in this age and time, there’ll be no stigma against therapy anymore.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Grabe naman!” sabi ko. “Wala akong judgement, noh!”

“So, it’s only because it’s me?”

I glared at him. Taena nito. Kahit ilang therapy session ata attendan niya, nakaka-pikon pa rin siya madalas.

Instead, I just shrugged. “So, ano’ng topic of conversation niyo?” I asked. “I mean, ’di ka nahihiya?” I asked kasi ’di ko maimagine si Joaquin na bigla na lang magsasabi ng inner most thoughts and feelings niya.

“At first it was awkward,” he said. “Took me 11 therapist before I settled on one.”

“Bakit? Ano’ng meron sa therapist mo ngayon?” I quickly prodded. Sabi niya she. Ibig sabihin babae. Ano ang meron sa babae na ’yon? Ka-age niya ba? O mas matanda lang sa amin ng konti? Maganda ba? Latina din ba? Also bakit parang ang daming Latina sa Hongkong?!

He shrugged. “Don’t know,” he said. “Talking to her just feels better than the previous ones.”

“Kasi… maganda ba ’to?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What?”

I pretended to casually shrug. “Curious lang.”

“She’s happily married.”

“Didn’t stop you before,” I said before my mind could even process the words that were coming out of my mind.

“Fair,” he said like he wasn’t slightly offended. Who the fuck was this person in front of me and… why was he so fucking level-headed? Pakiramdam ko tuloy ako iyong may sira sa utak. “But, no. Even if she weren’t married, I’m not interested.”

“Why?”

“I just wasn’t.”

I pursed my lips and just nodded. I just looked at him. I mean, that’s all I could do, really. We’re still in the office. Kahit kaming dalawa lang ang nandito, I was aware of all the cameras recording our every movement.

But that’s probably for the best.

“So, okay naman therapy mo?”

“What do you think?” he asked.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

“At one point, I told her what you told me,” he said.

“Alin? Ang dami kong sinabi sa ’yo.”

“That I don’t have to be loved by everyone,” he replied. “It was very uncomfortable at first—not being liked by everyone. I had to decline a lot of invites back in Hongkong. It was hard. I was in a foreign place with no friends in sight,” he continued. “But I was told that growth and comfort do not coexist.”

My lips parted. “Baliw ka ba?” sabi ko sa kanya. Suddenly, I felt bad for him. I knew that Hongkong was a great opportunity for him, still, ang hirap na nasa ibang lugar ka tapos wala kang kaibigan. “Not the right place and time! Buti ’di ka nabaliw na wala kang friends don!”

He merely shrugged. “I was fine,” he said. “I learned how to be comfortable with being alone,” sabi niya. “You know it was hard for me not to immediately reply to your messages.”

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya.

Suddenly, I was more aware of the fact that we’re alone.

“But I had to learn how not to be greedy of your attention,” he said. “I knew that one day, I’ll go back to Manila and I have to learn how to be around you so that I can be around you.”

What the fuck do I even reply to that?

Hindi na ako nagsalita hanggang sa mag-aya siya na umalis na kami.

We were walking in silence hanggang sa makarating kami sa basement parking.

“Franco,” he called.

Tumingin ako sa kanya.

“I would’ve toured you around had I read your message earlier,” biglang sabi niya. “I was sick that time. I didn’t really read any messages.”

Pakiramdam ko ang sama-sama ko. Halos isumpa ko na siya dahil doon tapos hindi pala siya naka-sagot dahil may sakit siya… Tapos wala pa siyang kaibigan… Ibig sabihin habang may sakit siya, walang nag-aasikaso sa kanya?

Ang sarap niyang sapakin talaga minsan.

“Gago ka talaga,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Sino’ng nag-asikaso sa ’yo don?”

“Myself,” he replied.

“As in wala ka talagang kaibigan don?”

“Colleagues,” he said.

“Talaga bang may quota ka sa friend list mo?”

“I told you, I’m picky when it comes to people I let close.”

“Statistically impossible na walang okay sa lahat ng naka-work mo ’don.”

“Right but… I just didn’t see the sense of being friends with anyone from there.”

“Kasi?”

“I always knew I’d go home—that Hongkong’s just temporary.”

He was looking at me as he was saying that. I felt my heart starting to beat erratically.

Instead, I just smiled… kasi ano ang sasabihin ko ’don?

“Did you enjoy Hongkong?” he asked to my uncomfortable silence.

I shrugged. “Hmm. Okay naman. Feel ko mas magugustuhan ko ang Japan,” I replied, trying to keep the atmosphere lighter.

“You’ll love it there,” sabi niya.

“Naka-punta ka na don?”

“A couple of times.”

“San maganda pumunta?”

“Tokyo’s too hectic for me, but I feel like you should go there at least once,” sabi niya. “Personally, I like Osaka more.”

We were standing in the almost empty parking lot. Kung college ’to, malamang naglalakad kami sa campus habang nag-uusap… o kaya naman isasabay ako ni Joaquin sa sasakyan niya at magda-drive siya kung saan man. Once again, I was reminded of the changes between us.

“Congratulations,” he said.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Para saan?”

“Graduating,” he replied. “Wish I could’ve been there.”

“Same. Wala rin ako nung graduation mo.”

“I mean, I didn’t really attend.”

“Kasi iniiwasan mo ako?” I asked. Wow.

Instead, he just shrugged. “Proud of you,” he said. “You’re far from your days in AIESEC.”

“Was trained by the best,” I said in jest. “Dami mo kayang revisions sa akin dati. Halos isumpa na kita.”

He chuckled a bit. “Yeah… Work is work.”

“I know,” I said because if there’s one thing I really admire about him, it’s his work-ethics. “Don’t worry, ma-ge-gets din ’yan ng mga ka-work natin kapag nag-improve iyong quarter assessment.”

He shrugged. “It’s fine if they don’t like me—they just have to do their job.”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Alam mo, ang extreme niyang ginagawa mo. Sure, you don’t have to be liked, but also don’t work hard to be disliked,” sabi ko sa kanya. “You can say yes to things but also say no kung ayaw mo talaga.”

Joaquin gave me a tight-lipped smile.

I still had a lot of things I wanted to ask him.

Did he date while he was in Hongkong?

Alam niya ba na wala na kami ni Andrew?

Kaso paano ko itatanong iyon?

Was he even interested in the answer?

When he said he knew what he wanted… ano ang ibig sabihin niya doon?

“Good—”

“Franco—”

Sabay kaming natigilan.

“Ano?” I asked.

He looked at me for a few seconds. “Why?” he asked. My brows furrowed. “I know I was at fault but why did you accept what I gave you before? You deserve better. Didn’t you know that?”

I didn’t know if I was thankful for the distraction nang may sasakyan na papadaan at kailangan naming maghiwalay.

“Tell me when you find the answer,” he said as he stood on the other side. “Good night, Franco. Drive safely.”

**

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 57

The question Joaquin asked rang in my head.

Hindi ako maka-tulog sa kaka-isip sa tanong niya sa akin.

The question wasn’t all too unfamiliar… I asked that… Sometimes… When I was feeling vulnerable. Still, I couldn’t quite pinpoint the answer. Kasi bakit nga ba? Why do I always go for people whom I know won’t give me what I wanted?

It’s always been that way one way or another.

With the past guys who wouldn’t commit.

With Joaquin who wouldn’t give me what I wanted.

Even with Andrew… whom deep down in my head, I knew wouldn’t work with.

It was like I was just trying to patch the holes of my being—it was all temporary reprieve.

I kept on thinking about Joaquin’s question.

And my uncomfortable answer.

I tried not to think about it because I wanted to focus on my work. Thankfully, sobrang daming kailangang gawin sa trabaho kaya ’di ko ’yon masyadong naisip. Pero sa sobrang dami din ng ginagawa, ’di ako maka-sama sa mga plano namin nila James. I felt guilty but at the same time, naisip ko na ito ba iyong sinasabi nila na adulting? Na kahit gustuhin niyo magkita, parang ang hirap. Kasi nasa iba-ibang mundo na kayo. Kahit gustuhin niyo, para bang mundo na iyong gumagawa ng paraan para magkalayo kayo.

This sucked.

Kahit ang stressful ng college, nakaka-miss din. At least doon, alam ko kung ano ang expectations ko. At least doon after a shitty day or shitty class, alam ko na nandyan iyong mga kaibigan ko para damayan ako.

Ang hirap naman maging responsible adult.

“Na-mimiss ko na si Sir Aga.”

Weird siguro kung bigla akong magwawalkout o kung magsusuot ako ng airpods o tatakpan ko iyong tenga ko. Alam ko na iyong kasunod nito. ’Di ko naman first time maka-rinig ng pambabash kay Joaquin.

“I know. Ang demanding. Porke imported galing HQ.”

How long bago ako pwedeng umalis sa table na ’to na hindi mukhang umalis lang ako dahil ayoko magparticipate sa topic nila?

“Ganyan ba talaga kapag galing SCA? May superiority complex?”

“Parang hindi naman,” sagot ng isa. “Tiga SCA din si Franco, ’di ba?”

Napa-tingin silang lahat sa ’kin. “Ah, oo.”

“See? Attitude problem lang talaga ’yang si Sir Joaquin.”

I bit my tongue dahil nararamdaman ko na na malapit na akong sumabog at magsabi ng masasamang words. ’Di ba nila naisip na mas lagot kami kapag hindi nag-improve iyong performance namin this quarter? ’Di ba nila inisip na mas mahirap para kay Joaquin ’to kasi kailangan niya ayusin iyong kalat na iniwan ni Sir Aga?

“Hindi naman—”

“Team.”

Sabay-sabay napa-tuwid ng pagkaka-upo iyong mga kasama ko sa lamesa. Ni hindi ko kailangang tignan kung sino ang nasa likuran ko para malaman na si Joaquin iyon.

Joaquin began giving another instruction tungkol sa latest tasks namin. Alam na alam ko na sa likod ng polite expression sa mukha ng mga kasama ko e may bagong topic na naman sila sa GC.

‘You don’t have to defend me.’

Napa-titig ako sa text ni Joaquin sa akin.

I didn’t know what to feel.

It’s basically our first conversation thread again in more than a year.

‘I’ll think about it.’

‘I’m their boss. They’re allowed to talk shit about me,’ sagot niya. ‘You’re their colleague. Don’t make things uncomfortable for you.’

Naka-tingin lang ako sa text niya. I mean, tama naman siya… For sure sasabihan pa ako na sipsip sa boss or whatever. Tapos sa ugali ng mga ka-work ko, baka may magtanong pa d’yan sa mga kakilala namin ni Joaquin nung college. Baka mabuhay na naman iyong chismis sa amin before. Mahirap na.

’Okay sige. Magpaparticipate na rin ako sa pambabash sa ‘yo.’

‘Lol okay. Do your best.’

‘Ako pa ba? Madami akong pwedeng masabing masama tungkol sa yo.’

‘I know. Wouldn’t expect anything less from you.’

I chewed on my lower lip.

It felt like we’re reverting back to comfortable familiarity.

Babalik na naman ba kami sa dati?

Pero… siya na rin iyong nagsabi na iba na kami ngayon?

May chance ba na iba na rin iyong resulta?

Taena. ’Di na naubos iyong topic for overthinking ko.

---

Mabait ata talaga akong tao dahil ’di ako nagparticipate sa bashing session nila kay Joaquin kahit binigyan naman ako ng go signal. At most, tumango lang ako sa mga pinagsasabi nila. Ayoko rin naman nga talaga ng bad blood. Knowing myself, mapapatawag talaga ako sa HR kapag pinatulan ko sila.

“Thanks, sir,” sabi ng mga ka-work namin nang bumalik ako sa conference room na may dalang apat na malaking box ng pizza.

Tumingin sa akin si Joaquin na naka-kunot ang noo. I grabbed my phone and texted him.

‘Just say you’re welcome,’ sabi ko sa kanya. ’Sawa na ako makarinig ng pambabash sa ‘yo.’

Joaquin stared at me for quite a few seconds bago siya tumango sa mga ka-work ko at sinabihan pa na mag-enjoy sa pizza.

‘How much?’

‘Wag na.’

‘Don’t make me go to the accounting department and ask for your payroll details.’

‘Para pizza lang. Di ko ikakahirap yan, contrary to your opinion.’

Mabuti na lang at busy sa pagkain iyong mga kasama namin kaya ’di nila napansin na kanina pa kami magka-text ng boss nila. ’Di ko rin gets kung ano ang meron sa free pizza na nakakapagpagaan ng loob ng mga tao.

We continued working shortly after. Inabot na naman kami ng 10PM sa office. Gets ko naman si Joaquin, pero gets ko rin mga ka-work ko. Nakaka-burnout naman ’to.

“Hanggang kailan iyong ganito?” I asked.

“A month, at most,” he replied.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “A month?!”

He nodded. “My predecessor left quite a mess.”

“Ganon kalala?”

He nodded again. “Once we’re done with fixing the mess, no more overtime… at least for a while,” sabi niya sa akin. “No promises, though.”

I sighed tapos ay iniyukyok ko iyong ulo ko sa lamesa. Pwede kaya na dito muna ako magnap? Kasi pota kinabahan ako nung isang araw. Nagulat na lang ako nasa condo na ako. Wala akong recollection na nagdrive ako pauwi. Narinig ko na nangyari na sa iba ’yon, pero ’di ko expected na mararanasan ko rin.

“Una ka na,” sabi ko sa kanya. Anong oras na rin kasi.

“You’re not yet done?” he asked.

“Done na, pero magpopower nap muna ako,” sabi ko.

“Just do it at home. It’s more comfortable.”

“I know pero,” sabi ko at saka pinaliwanag ko sa kanya iyong nangyari nung isang araw. “See? Responsible citizen ako. Ayokong magdrive na alam ko na may possibilidad na maka-cause pa ako ng aksidente,” paliwanag ko. “Una ka na. Uwi na rin ako maya-maya.”

I tried to close my eyes to take my much needed nap, but hindi ako maka-tulog nang maayos kasi ramdam na ramdam ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin. I opened my eyes and I was quickly greeted with the sight of Joaquin staring at me.

“Ano?” I asked.

“I’ll try my best not to ask you to render overtime.”

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. “Masabihan pa ako na favorite.”

Kumunot din ang noo niya. “What? I mean, for the whole team.”

Agad na namula iyong mukha ko. Taena. ’Di na lang siya umoo. Nakaka-hiya!

I quickly covered my face with my arms para ’di niya makita na namumula na ako sa kahihiyan dahil sa pagiging assumero ko. “Sabi mo for a month lang naman,” sabi ko na lang.

“I know, we’ll just have to adjust another way.”

Hindi na ako nagsalita. Pota nakaka-hiya.

“I’ll drive you home,” he said. “Just leave your car here.”

“Paano ako papasok bukas? Mahal ng Grab.”

“I’ll pick you up,” he quickly said.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. He was so… certain na pwede niya akong sunduin. Alam niya ba na wala na kami ni Andrew? Was that the reason why hindi niya ako tinatanong tungkol doon? I mean, wasn’t it just normal na nung tinanong ko siya tungkol sa singsing niya, tatanungin niya rin ako tungkol sa status ko? Hindi ba ganon kapag friends?

Ano ba ’yan! Dagdag na naman sa mga iniisip ko!

“Okay…” sabi ko na lang. Baka magka-lakas ng loob ako na itanong ’yan habang hinahatid niya ako pauwi.

Sabay kaming naglakad papunta sa parking. What do we even talk about? Should I ask him about his new car? O kung saan siya naka-tira ngayon? Doon pa rin ba sa dati niyang condo? Binenta niya ba ’yon nung nasa Hongkong siya? Pero bakit? Sinabi niya na rin na Hongkong was always meant to be temporary.

Fuck it.

I should just ask him—gaya ng pagtatanong niya sa akin ng mga tanong na mahirap para sa akin na sagutin hanggang ngayon.

“Joaquin,” I asked while we were waiting for the red light to turn green.

“Yeah?” he replied with his hands still on the steering wheel.

“Alam mo ba na wala na kami ni Andrew?” I asked. Just like that. Kasi paano ba dapat itanong iyong ganyang bagay?

Napa-tingin siya sa ’kin.

I didn’t know what I was expecting.

“Yes.”

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko.

“We don’t talk but I keep tabs on you,” he said. “I ask James.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “…what?”

He gave a small nod. “That was his exact reaction when I first asked him about you.”

I still couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of him asking James about me. Nagkulay green na iyong traffic lights pero hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita. Nakarating na kami at lahat sa bagong address ko, hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita.

“Why?” I asked. One word. I felt like that was enough to encapsulate my questions.

“I had to know,” he said. “I just have to know what you’re up to,” he continued. “Not in a creepy way, don’t get me wrong. I just want the highlights of your life.”

“Why?” I asked.

“ I had to know,“ he once again replied.

I stared at him.

“I had to know because you were never just… a passing moment for me,” he said, still looking ahead. “Even when things were complicated. Even when I was shit at showing it,” he said and then he turned, meeting my eyes. “Not knowing would have been harder than knowing. Knowing you were okay. Knowing you were moving forward. Knowing you existed, even if we weren’t… us.”

I felt like air was knocked out of my chest.

“I needed to know that you were alive. Thriving. Not because I wanted to control anything. But because you mattered.”

His fingers drummed slightly on the steering wheel.

“Does that make sense?”

It did.

Because I felt the same.

Even when I hated him for losing contact—I was hoping for just one text… just to know that he’s alive.

“Were you always going to come back?” tanong ko sa kanya. I already knew the answer but I just wanted to hear it again.

Joaquin didn’t hesitate. “Always.”

Something in his tone made me look at him. Really look at him.

“The distance was never permanent,” he said. “Just… necessary.”

“Necessary?” I echoed.

“For both of us,” he clarified. “To grow. To become who we needed to be.”

I thought about Joaquin.

About the years of silence.

About all the moments in between.

“And now?” I asked.

“Now,” Joaquin said, “ Now, I’m here.“

Simple.

Direct.

No drama.

Just a statement of fact.

The car stopped. 

“We’re here,” he said.

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 58

I should ask him—just ask him point-blank kung ano ba ang gusto niyang mangyari.

I felt like we’d wasted a lot of time already… but at the same time, it was like what he said—the distance was necessary for us to grow… for us to be who we’re meant to be. Kasi kung nagpatuloy ’yung sa ’min nung college? We’d end up badly. Although we won’t mean it, I knew that one way or another, we’d hurt each other.

Perhaps he’s right.

The distance did us good.

We’re good.

I’m good.

But in all honesty? More than being good, I… I really want to be happy.

And I knew that it’s only Joaquin who can give me the happiness that I am truly longing for—just as he’s the only one who could hurt me like I’d never been hurt.

“Okay ka lang?”

Huminga ako nang malalim habang seryosong naka-tingin kay Andrew. I knew we’re good… I mean, sa amin ata talaga nag-a-apply iyong eme ni Joaquin na friends ’til the very end.

“Yup,” I said. “Sorry. Alam ko busy ka sa work.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Okay ka lang talaga?” he asked again.

Kapag kaharap ko si Andrew, doon ko talaga narerealize na totoo iyong sinasabi nila na the heart wants what it wants… Kasi from an outsider’s perspective, parang mas okay talaga kami ni Andrew dalawa. Pero alam mo ’yon? Something just doesn’t feel quite right. Siguro kaya forever na ako makokonsensya sa kanya na tipong kasama siya lagi sa dasal ko—na sana mahanap niya na iyong forever niya.

“I know we talked about this before already,” I began. Andrew nodded. We did have quite a conversation before. Kay Andrew ko rin naranasan ’yang sinasabi nila na ‘healthy’ breakup. As in walang sigawaan, walang masasakit na salita, walang samaan ng loob—only my guilty conscience, to be honest.

“Is this about Joaquin?” he asked.

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Pano mo nalaman?”

He gave a small shrug. “You only act like that when it comes to him.”

I chewed on my lower lip. “Sorry.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “What for?” he asked.

“Alam mo na…”

“Why do you keep on apologizing?” he asked. “We tried; it didn’t work out. At least now we know,” he continued like it was only a matter of fact. “Besides, I already knew that you’ll somehow end up with Joaquin, anyway.”

My lips slightly parted just as my brows furrowed. “Huh?”

“James and Tim; you and Joaquin,” he recited. “People just want what they want.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “Okay…” I said. “Not like kami na ni Joaquin pero…”

“Are you asking for my blessing?” tanong niya na medyo naka-kunot ang noo na naguguluhan.

Mabilis akong tumango. “Yup,” sagot ko. “If—I mean if—magiging kami, of course I’ll want to bring him around. And you’re a part of my life. Friends for life, remember?”

Also, totoo din talaga iyong kasabihan na ’wag mong tataluhin ang kaibigan mo. Kahit gaano kabait si Andrew at understanding, lagi akong nakokonsensya kapag nakikita ko siya—parang mas nakaka-konsensya pa nga na ganyan na mabait siya at never ako sinumbatan. Minsan gusto ko na lang sabihin sa kanya na what if suntukin niya ako para gumaan naman iyong kalooban ko kahit kaunti?

“It’s fine,” Andrew said. “Honestly, I don’t think Joaquin and I will be awkward—ikaw lang naman ’yon.”

I frowned at him. “Kasi nga active ’yung konsensya ko.”

“Kasi guilty ka?”

I glared at him. “Kakasabi mo lang na people want what they want!” sabi ko sa kanya at tinawanan lang ako ni Andrew… tapos ay biglang dumating si James na may kwento na naman sa amin. ’Di ko talaga alam kung saan papunta ’tong mga trip ni James sa buhay dahil ninong siya nung anak ni Tim. ’Di ko rin alam kung alam ba nung nanay mga kagaguhan nila ni Tim… Silently judging lang ako pero one of these days, dadalhin ko na rin sa therapist ni Joaquin ’tong si James para mahimasmasan.

---

Nasa early twenties pa lang ako pero pota parang pa-retirement home na agad ako! Ilang bote lang naman ng beer ininom namin kagabi pero iyong hangover ko parang bibiyakin na iyong ulo ko. Samantalang nung college e akala mo pusa ako na may siyam na buhay kung maka-inom.

Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko but at the same time, ayoko na sa condo lang ako buong Sunday kasi pakiramdam ko walang nangyari sa araw ko. Sobrang precious pa naman ng weekend ko simula nung nagka-trabaho ako. Kailangan may nangyayari palagi kesyo pumunta lang ako sa grocery o kaya e maglakad-lakad. I refuse na sa trabaho lang iikot ang buhay ko.

I dragged myself out of bed and put on my running shoes. Gustuhin ko mang tumira sa mas magandang neighborhood, ’di keri ng corporate slave salary ko iyong target ko na neighborhood. In five years siguro e makaka-lipat din ako don. Gusto ko kasi iyong neighborhood na walkable para pwede akong maglakad-lakad without fear na mabibiktima ako ng hit and run.

Instead, I went to UP Diliman para doon magjogging. Usually sa BGC lang ako pero para maiba naman. I was quietly minding my own business, running and taking cute pics of the scenery and random dogs na nakikita ko.

I checked my Instagram—ito ata isa sa constant sa buhay ko. Taena kasi sobrang busy ko kung wala sigurong Instagram, baka isipin ng mga tao na namatay na ako.

My lips parted when I saw the familiar name in my viewers’ list.

Fuck.

Oo nga pala, may itatanong nga pala ako sa kanya.

I stared at his name. I probably would’ve stared at it longer until I reminded myself of all the times we’d lost. I should just ask him. Just throw the fucking caution to the wind.

‘Brunch?’

There.

I asked him.

‘UP Diliman?’

‘Yup.’

‘Be there in 30 minutes.’

I tried to do another lap at the hope of calming myself down but to no avail. In the end, pumunta na lang ako sa pinaka-malapit na CR at saka nag-ayos doon. Ayoko naman na pawisan ako pagdating ni Joaquin.

Naka-upo lang ako sa stairs ng isang building habang naghihintay sa pagdating niya. I didn’t know kung talagang pansinin lang iyong sasakyan niya o sanay lang iyong mga mata ko na hanapin siya… Either way, my heart began to quicken its pace nang malapit na siya.

Ito na.

“Far away from home,” he stated nang pumasok ako sa sasakyan niya.

“Yeah, ’di pwede magjog sa area ko,” I replied. “Ikaw ba? Pwede magjog sa area mo?” I asked him.

Normally, I wouldn’t ask this—because it was obvious that I was fishing para malaman kung saan siya nakatira. But… once again, throw the fucking caution to the wind. Kasi taena sasakalin ko na kaming dalawa kung aabot na naman ng taon ’tong ginagawa namin.

He nodded. “I think so,” he replied. “Haven’t tried yet.”

“Ah… San ka na ba naka-tira? Lumipat ka ba?”

“Yeah,” he said and then stated his new address.

“What? D’yan ko rin gusto, e! Ang mahal ng rent prices. Tsk. Next lifetime talaga dapat ipanganak ako na mayaman.”

Bahagya siyang natawa. “What? I thought you’re not poor?”

I glared at him. “Alam mo ba kung gaano ka-ginto iyong rent ’don? E ’di don na napunta buong sweldo ko? Tsk. Dapat talaga ’di ako bumili ng pizza in your name.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, being annoying. “Because that really put a dent in your savings.”

“Leche ka talaga. Poor-shaming.”

He just laughed and fuck it, I really missed this about us.

---

Joaquin asked me kung saan ko gusto pumunta. I told him to decide. He did. I’m never disappointed sa choice of restaurant niya.

We were seated outside. I didn’t know what was with this day pero wala masyadong tao sa labas. The other customers were seated inside while Joaquin and I were enjoying the al fresco… more like he was enjoying dahil ramdam ko na iyong kaba sa itatanong ko.

“You okay?” he asked when I finished yet again the glass of water.

“Yu—” I paused. “Actually, no,” I continued, deciding to just wing it.

Joaquin was looking at me with confusion on his face. It was like he wanted to ask me what was wrong but at the same time he wanted to wait kung anuman ang sasabihin ko. I only drew a deep breath. I didn’t want to wait any longer—in my opinion, we already waited long enough.

“I like you,” I stated. “I still like you,” I continued. Fuck. Umagang-umaga! Tama ba ’tong mga desisyon ko sa buhay?! Pero bago na naman ako mag-overthink, itinuloy ko na ang sasabihin ko. “Do you still like me?”

Joaquin didn’t answer immediately.

Seconds stretched. Felt like hours.

My mind raced. Fuck. Did I just make a mistake? Was this too forward? Too sudden? Maybe Joaquin didn’t feel the same way anymore o baka ilusyon ko lang lahat—

“Yes,” Joaquin finally said.

I blinked. “…yes?”

“I like you,” Joaquin confirmed. “But I’m not rushing anything.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Rushing?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong. “Ano’ng rush? Ang tagal na nating magkakilala!”

Joaquin leaned back. “Exactly. Which is why I want to do this properly.”

Mas lalong napaawang ang labi ko. “Properly? Since when did you care about ‘properly?’”

Seriously… sino ba ’tong therapist ni Joaquin?! Kailangan din ni James ng ganitong enlightenment kahit pota nakaka-frustrate sa parte ko!

“Since I decided that I want to be with you,” Joaquin said. “So I want to do things right. By you.”

I stared at him. He looked serious—like he really meant it.

“And what does ‘doing things right’ look like?” I asked, somewhere between skeptical and curious.

“Dating. Actual dating,” Joaquin said, staring right into my eyes. “Getting to know each other again. No shortcuts.”

I couldn’t help but laugh… nervously laughing because… why the fuck did he sound so serious?! This was a good thing… right? Na seryoso siya? Unlike before na seryoso din siya na hanggang kaibigan lang ang gusto niya. Pero bakit ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko?

“Since when did you take things slow?”

The words came out more challenging than I intended. But Joaquin didn’t miss a beat.

“Since I decided that I really want to be with you,” he repeated, “so I want to do things right by you.”

Something in his tone made me pause. This wasn’t the Joaquin I remembered. This was someone… different. Someone… better? But scared me shitless because of the unfamiliarity.

“What does that even mean?” I asked, part skeptical, part genuinely curious.

“Dates,” he said. Simple. Clear. “Actual dates. Getting to know each other again. No jumping into bed. No complicated situations. Just us.”

I wanted to push back.

To challenge him.

“Paano kung ayoko?”

His response caught me completely off guard.

“Then we wait until you’re ready too.”

I stared at him. This wasn’t the manipulation I was used to. This wasn’t the games he used to make me play. This felt… different.

Genuine.

“You’re serious,” I stated. Not a question.

“How can you think that I’m not?” he said quietly. “I had to go to Hong Kong to keep my mind sane. Had to go to therapy because the thought of not being able to be around you scared me shitless.”

The rawness of his confession hung between us. No performance. Just truth.

“…no,” I said barely audibly.

Nanatili lang na nasa akin ang mga mata niya. “Every Wednesday. For a year,” he said. “Trying to understand why I kept pushing away the one person who can actually make me happy.”

I felt… tongue-tied. ’Di ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. So I did the only thing that felt right. I moved my hand those last few centimeters and touched his.

“Okay,” I finally gave in. “Okay, let’s date.”

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 59

I hated how weird I was being—Joaquin has literally already seen me naked as the day I was born… Pero ngayon na inaya niya lang naman ako magdate, suddenly, I didn’t know how to act?! Mukhang tanga lang!

This was definitely not the first date that I’ll go to. Naka-ilang date na ako sa iba-ibang tao pero iba siguro talaga kapag kay Joaquin? Or do I just think that he’s different because compared to all the guys I’ve dated, siya talaga iyong masasabi ko na… wow, gusto ko talaga ’yung tao na ’to?

Or maybe because he’s just so decisive?

And that’s so attractive?

He literally texted me last Monday if I’m free this Friday night. After ko magsabi na oo, a few minutes after, he texted me that he’ll pick me up at 7PM and that the dress code of the restaurant is semi-formal.

I just… like the decisiveness of it all.

Not to compare pero nung kay Andrew, he’s always so considerate of me that he’ll ask me first kung ano ang gusto kong gawin, kung saan ko gustong pumunta. It’s nice and I really appreciate him being so considerate but I guess a small part of me just wants to be led? And Joaquin’s doing exactly that.

I was stressing out the entire time na naggive-up na ako at tinawagan ko na si James. Apparently, I was a welcomed distraction dahil stressed na stressed na din pala siya sa sitwasyon niya. I felt bad for him because I feel like at this point, he genuinely cares for the baby but at the same time… kawawa naman ’yung nanay! Walang kaalam-alam sa totoong history.

“Okay na siguro ’to,” I said as I stared at my reflection on the mirror. I even did a full 360 degree turn! Akala mo naman ’di aware si Joaquin sa itsura ko at first time namin magkikita in real life.

To calm myself down dahil anytime ay dadating na si Joaquin, I forced myself na manood na lang ng random sitcom episodes. Gustung-gusto ko talaga magyosi kaya lang maaamoy ako ni Joaquin saka parang ’di na ata siya naninigarilyo? Anong klaseng therapist ba ’yan at tila pati smoking habits niya e nawala? Na hard factory reset ba si Joaquin?!

‘Here.’

I immediately sprung from my seat. I was feeling nervous but at the same time excited kasi alam mo ’yon? After everything? Ngayon lang kami magde-date? Ano kaya ang feeling? Would this feel like the other dates I’ve been to or would it be different? Considering that it’s Joaquin?

Bago ako tuluyang lumabas ng building, pumunta muna ulit ako sa may CR sa lobby. I checked my reflection once again. Okay naman itsura ko! Tsk. Bakit ba masyado akong nag-o-overthink?

I immediately clocked Joaquin’s vehicle. I acted as normal as I could hanggang makarating ako sa may passenger side. The door was already unlocked for me.

‘Seriously, what the hell?’ I thought as I saw him on the driver’s seat. I didn’t know it was possible na mas gumwapo pa siya?! I mean, mababaw na kung mababaw pero isa naman talaga sa part na nagustuhan ko siya e ang gwapo niya talaga. ’Di ko naman akalain na may next level pa pala ’yon?! Ganito ba siya makipagdate? Ibig sabihin may iba din naka-kita na ganito siya ka-gwapo?!

“What?” he asked.

’Di sadya na napa-tingin ako sa may rearview mirror. Naka-kunot pala iyong noo ko nang ’di ko pansin.

I forced a smile. “Wala,” I said as I tried to straighten my back and buckle my seatbelt.

A few seconds later, napa-tingin ako sa kanya kasi ’di pa rin siya nagsisimulang magdrive.

“Di pa ba tayo aalis?” I asked.

“What were you thinking about?” he asked again. “When your forehead was furrowed?”

“Wala nga,” sabi ko.

Still, he didn’t indicate that he’ll start driving.

“May naisip lang ako, pero wala ’yon,” I replied, trying to convince him na wala naman talaga ’yon. Nasa utak ko lang naman ’yon—iyong totally illogical part ng utak ko na naghahangad na sana sa akin lang si Joaquin. Iyong tipo na kung pwede ko lang siyang itago sa bulsa ko, baka gagawin ko talaga.

Because… damn, look at him… Who wouldn’t want him?

“Tell me,” he said.

“Wala—”

Napaawang iyong labi ko nung inunbuckle niya iyong seatbelt niya—sign na ’di kami aalis dito hanggang ’di ko sinasabi sa kanya kung ano iyong nasa isip ko. Paano ko naman kasi sasabihin ’yon? It reeked of insecurity!

“Look,” he began. “We agree that we both liked each other before, right?”

Bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo ko. “Ha?” I responded but he just looked at me like he was genuinely waiting for my response. “Uh… oo?”

“Despite that, we weren’t able to work things out because we weren’t honest with each other.”

Naka-tingin pa rin ako sa kanya na naka-kunot ang noo.

“I know communicating’s hard—trust me, I know that—but at the same time, if we keep on reverting back into old habits, what’s to say that what happened before won’t happen again?” diretsong sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin. “It’s not easy for me, as well, to just… tell you things that I feel and think about. But I’m trying, right? Because I know that if I don’t communicate these, you might misunderstand.”

I was just looking at him.

“Same for me,” he continued. “If you don’t tell me what’s bothering you, how can I know? Don’t you agree that it’s unfair? I’m not a mind reader.”

“Alam ko pero,” I said and then paused. Sinandal ko iyong ulo ko sa may headrest at saka pinikit ang mga mata ko. “Some things, you don’t have to know.”

“If it’s about me, then why shouldn’t I know?”

I bit my tongue.

“I already know the best and the worst parts of you—can’t you trust me that whatever it is, I’ll still be here?”

I opened my eyes and looked at him. Okay, that’s it. Magkano ba ’yung therapist niya? Pasok ba ’yan sa HMO ko?

“Fine,” I said. “Disclaimer—sobrang babaw nito.”

“It’s not shallow if it’s bothering you.”

I closed my eyes again and groaned. Bakit ang mature niya na bigla?! Dapat ba magHongkong din ako for a year?! Bakit parang siya na iyong mature tapos ako iyong immature? Siya na si nonchalant at ako si OA?!

Naka-tingin ako sa labas ng bintana habang sinasabi ko sa kanya iyong shortened version nung iniisip ko kanina. Ni ayokong makita sa peripheral vision ko iyong itsura niya kasi nakaka-hiya kaya! Habang pinapakinggan ko iyong mga lumalabas sa bibig ko, hiyang-hiya na ako. I reeked of insecurity.

A few seconds after I was done talking, ’di pa rin siya nagsasalita. I was forced to look at him because I wanted to see the look on his face. Fuck. Dapat ’di ko na sinabi talaga! O kaya nag-imbento na lang ako ng iba.

“Franco,” he called as soon as our eyes met.

I only looked at him—words once again failed me.

“I like you,” he said. “I like you a lot.”

My lips parted with the words that were coming out of his mouth.

“I’ll try to be more vocal about how much I like you so that you don’t think about things like that,” he said while he was just staring directly at me, never breaking eye contact as he said those words. “You may not be my first in a lot of things,” he continued as he reached for my hand and held it with both of his, “But you’re the only one that I liked this much.”

My heart was just beating erratically inside my chest.

Akala ko malala na dati nung mixed signals iyong binibigay niya sa akin.

Mas delikado pala ako kapag ganito na clear signals na.

Ikakamatay ko ata ’to.

“Does that count?” he asked with a gentle tone as his thumbs gently caressed my knuckle.

“Fine…” I replied. Fucking hell. Bakit ganito iyong boses ko?! Nagcringe pa naman ako dati sa mga gumagamit ng baby voice tapos biglang ganito ako ngayon?!

“Good,” he said as he placed a soft kiss on my knuckle.

Taena.

Gaano ba katagal iyong sinasabi ni Joaquin na ‘dating’ phase namin? Kasi based sa naging usapan namin before, he wants to do things the right way daw… meaning… walang monkey business?!

---

Joaquin didn’t let go of my hand hanggang makarating kami sa restaurant. He was driving with one hand tapos bibitawan niya lang iyong kamay ko kapag kailangan. Taena ang hirap magconcentrate kahit ’di naman ako iyong nagda-drive! Mabuti na rin siguro na walang ganito nung college kasi baka ’di ako naka-graduate?!

Pagdating namin sa restau, napansin ko agad na ang daming naka-tingin kay Joaquin. I was pissed—taena sobrang seloso ko palang tao—but when I looked at Joaquin, somehow, I was able to calm down. I reminded myself na so what naman kung naka-tingin silang lahat sa kanya? At the end of the day, sa akin lang siya naka-tingin.

We had a really nice dinner—steak and a bottle of nice wine na halos ako lang ang umubos dahil half-glass lang ang ininom ni Joaquin dahil magda-drive pa raw siya.

“Di ka papasok?” I asked.

Joaquin walked me to my door because according to him, lasing na daw ako. I told him repeatedly na hindi ako lasing—but my point was lost nung halos malaglag ako nung pababa ako ng sasakyan niya.

Joaquin shook his head. “Drink water before sleeping,” he said.

“Di ka talaga papasok?”

“No.”

“For coffee? Bago ka magdrive? What if antukin ka sa daan?”

He pressed his lips together but it was obvious that he was fighting a laughter. “Thanks for the concern, but I’ll manage.”

“Tsk. Bahala ka.”

Joaquin looked at me and smiled. “I’ll text you when I get home.”

I nodded. “Final answer na? Ayaw mo magkape muna?”

Umiling siya ulit.

“Fine,” I said.

“Bye,” he said as he gave a small waive.

“Yan lang? Walang good night kiss? O hug man lang?”

Yup.

Lasing nga ata talaga ako.

Wala ng filter iyong lumalabas sa bibig ko.

“No.”

I pouted. “Why?”

“Because I’m greedy,” he said. “If you let me kiss you or hug you, I’ll want more—so, cooperate with me here, okay?” he continued as he tousled my hair.

“What if… payag naman ako?”

Joaquin laughed. His laugh sounds so good that I just wanted to record it and listen to it. But he’ll probably think I’m a creep.

“Good night, Franco,” he said.

I frowned. “Tsk. Fine. Good night.”

He began walking away. I watched as he did. While he was waiting for the elevator, I called his phone. Naka-tingin siya sa akin na naka-kunot ang noo, but I made a motion for him to answer the call.

“Hmm?” he said as soon as he answered the call. The fuck. It should be illegal for him to sound like that!

“Hanggang kailan ’tong dating phase na ’to.”

I saw him laugh once again. “What? Can’t wait to jump my bones?”

I nodded. “Yup. 100% yes.”

Instead of giving me a direct answer, he just looked at me while we were still on the phone and said, “Good night, Franco. Don’t dream of me or you’ll just frustrate yourself more.”

What a fucking tease!

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Chapter 60

I don’t think I’d ever been this frustrated in my life—and it wasn’t helping na mas lalo akong stressed sa trabaho dahil malapit na iyong quarter assessment at mas lalong dumami ang kailangang gawin… plus lagi kami ni Joaquin iyong last men standing sa office. Ang hirap kaya na ang gwapo-gwapo niya tapos kaming dalawa lang sa office?! The amount of self-control na meron ako, to be honest!

“Kapag ’di ako nagka-annual increase, magcocommit talaga ako ng arson sa building na ’to,” sabi ko kay Joaquin habang naka-yukyok iyong ulo ko sa table.

“We’re almost done,” sabi niya.

“Ilang beses mo na sinabi ’yan.”

He laughed. “I know, but I’m telling the truth this time.”

“Siguraduhin mo lang kasi malapit na akong magka-nervous breakdown dahil sa dami ng ginagawa.”

I heard him standing up pero wala na talaga akong energy para usisain pa kung ano ang ginagawa niya. A few minutes later, he came back. I felt him placing something beside my head. I turned my head and saw that there was a bottled water beside me.

“It’ll be worth it,” he said.

“Tss.”

“I’ll be submitting a report once everything’s settled,” sabi niya.

Agad na napa-ayos ako ng upo. For some reason, panic ran through my system. Ano’ng everything’s settled? Babalik ba siya sa Hongkong kapag naayos niya na iyong iniwan ni Sir Aga na problema? I immediately racked my brain for confirmation na sinabi o nabanggit na permanent replacement si Joaquin.

Fuck.

Walang nagsabi na dito na talaga siya—it was just often mentioned na import siya from HQ.

“What?” he asked when he saw the very evident fear and worry in my eyes.

I wanted to bite my tongue because I was probably just overthinking this… right? Joaquin wouldn’t do all this kung alam niya na babalik siya sa Hongkong? Hindi niya ako gagaguhin gaya nung dati…

Right?

I didn’t want to voice out my thoughts.

But… wasn’t he the one who told me to communicate all my thoughts? Both the good and the bad? And right now, I was having devastating thoughts.

“Babalik ka ba sa Hongkong after ng quarterly assessment?” I asked.

He didn’t answer immediately—I wanted him to immediately tell me na mali iyong iniisip ko. His forehead creased. That was a good sign, right? That I misunderstood? But I needed him to quickly correct me. I needed to hear from him na ’di niya ako ulit iiwan.

“No,” he said. “Or… will I get fired?” he continued. “Why will I go back to Hongkong when you’re here?”

“So, hindi ka aalis after ng assessment?” I asked again. I had to.

“No,” he replied.

“Okay,” I said, nodding because I needed to hear that from him. “Good. Thank you,” I continued. I saw that he was looking at me with his brows furrowed. “Ikaw nagsabi na sabihin ko sa ’yo lahat ng nasa isip ko,” I said, defensive.

“I know,” he said. “Thanks for asking me first,” he continued. “But to clarify, I have no plans of leaving the country—and should I have plans, I’ll run them by you first.”

I was just looking at him, unable to say anything.

“You do realize that I’m serious, right?” Joaquin said. “I’m in this with you. I have plans and everything—I’ll introduce you to my friends, my family. Everything in the right time.”

Slowly, I nodded.

“Need verbal confirmation,” Joaquin said. “That you understand that we’re serious.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Oo nga.”

“Good,” he said as he pinched my cheek. “But good that you asked, so it’s immediately clarified.”

“Tsk. Ikaw din kasi ayusin mo sentence construction mo. It sounded like aalis ka na after quarter assessment.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “What part?” he asked smugly like he was saying na may comprehension problem lang ako.

We spent minutes arguing kung malabo lang siya magsalita o mahina lang ako umintindi. I must be a freaking weirdo for thinking this but I would love to just spend my time arguing with him. It’s just… fulfilling? Ewan! Basta. Not saying na bad time ’to pero ito ata iyong sinasabi nila na I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.

Taena hopeless na talaga ako.

Hopeless na ako the first moment I laid my eyes on him.

---

Once again, ihahatid na naman ako ni Joaquin. Lately ay sinusundo at hinahatid niya ako kasi lagi kaming overtime. Kinabahan daw talaga siya sa akin nung sinabi ko na naka-autopilot ako that one time. One time lang naman pero akala mo lagi kong ginagawa.

“Next time, baba mo na lang ako malapit sa office,” banggit ko sa kanya habang hinahatid niya ako pauwi.

“Why?”

“Para iwas chismis.”

“Are you worried?”

“Oo. Kasi ’di ba nung college?”

He threw me a look. There was that guilty look on his face.

“I mean, it’s all good,” sabi ko sa kanya. “If you really think about it, naging close lang naman tayo dahil nagalit ka sa akin dahil sa chismis, ’di ba?”

Grabe… akalain mo aabot kami sa point na ’to? I clearly remember na nung college, lagi kong naiiisip na dapat enjoy-in ko lang iyong moments ko with Joaquin kasi fleeting lang lahat. Na never ko naisip na magiging kami kasi… ako iyong tipo ba na parang pitstop habang naghihintay na makarating sa tamang destination.

Ganito ba talaga kapag bading na nasa predominantly Catholic country? May looming fear palagi na at the end of the day, babae pa rin ang endgame? Kasi may socially acceptable? Kagaya niyang si Tim. Mukhang may feelings din naman siya talaga kay James kasi taena nila first year of college pa sila naggagaguhan but still… babae pa rin ang inuwi sa bahay at pinakilala sa pamilya.

I guess at the back of my mind, I was preparing myself for that same scenario.

Na magpapakasal si Joaquin sa babae.

And I’ll just quietly have feelings for him.

Hoping and praying that one day, I’ll find someone else and learn contentment.

But thankfully, universe wanted to prove me wrong.

“Right,” he said. “Maybe I got mad because… it was true?”

“Asa.”

“What?”

“Wag mo nga akong gaguhin. Nung simula, bwisit ka naman talaga sa ’kin.”

Natawa siya. “I mean, you were following me around.”

“Na pinagsisisihan ko talaga.”

He raised a brow. “Really?”

“Oo. Lumaki ata ego mo dahil feel mo patay na patay ako sa ’yo.”

“Was I wrong?”

I frowned kasi tama naman siya but still! Kailangan niya ba malaman? Inflated na iyong ego niya as in!

“But everything happens for a reason, I guess,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Di pa rin ako makapaniwala na nagpa-therapy ka but… looks like it’s a good thing.”

“Why?” he asked. “Therapy’s just like talking to a friend.”

“Paid friend?”

He shrugged. “To be fair, I was in dire need of a friends back in Hongkong. Had the situation been different, I probably wouldn’t have resorted to going to therapy, so I guess you’re right that things happened for a reason.”

“Right…”

“Do you want to try therapy, too?”

“Wala akong budget.”

“I’ll pay.”

“Ayoko.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Di pa nga kita boyfriend tapos babayaran mo na therapy ko?”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. I saw a smirk on his face. “Is this your subtle way of asking me to be your boyfriend?”

I rolled my eyes. “Napaka-feelingero mo talaga. Let me remind you na iniyakan mo ako nung bago ka umalis pa-Hongkong.”

Tumawa si Joaquin. “Sure,” sabi niya. “But seriously, let me pay for one session and see how it goes.”

I chewed on my lower lip. Mukhang magbebenefit din naman ako sa therapy… Alam ko naman na dinadaan ko sa joke lahat pero taena ang dami kong problema sa buhay… Dumadag pa iyong sinabi ni Joaquin na ipapakilala niya ako sa friends and family niya. Kaya ko ba ’yon? Kaya ko rin ba siyang iuwi sa probinsya namin at ipakilala sa magulang ko?

“Fine,” I said. “But ako magbabayad.”

“If you insist,” he replied. “I’ll help you find a therapist.”

“Gusto ko ’yung sa ’yo din.”

“Why?” I shrugged. “Okay… I’ll talk to her.”

“Magkano ba per session?” I asked. May savings naman ako. Considered as necessity naman ’to… siguro? Necessary magkaroon ng maayos na mental health noh!

“I’m not sure about the conversion but I think it’s 3,000HKD per session?”

I immediately got my phone to check the conversion rate. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

“Seryoso ba?!” sabi ko nang makita ko iyong amount.

Joaquin nodded. “So, please let me pay.”

“Covered ba ’to ng insurance mo sa work?!”

“Yes.”

“Iba ba insurance kapag department head kumpara sa kagaya ko na normal na empleyado lang?”

Grabe! Napaka-unfair naman nito!

“Please let me pay,” Joaquin said.

“Ayoko,” I firmly replied. “It’s too much.”

“Then let’s find some other therapist,” he replied. I remained silent. “If you think about it, it’ll also benefit me in the long run,” he continued. I felt him reach for my hand and held it tightly. “The more mentally stable you are—”

“Gago ka, ah. Tinatawag mo ba akong mentally unstable?”

Tumawa si Joaquin. “No. Not at all. You are very mentally stable,” sabi niya pero hayop na ’to, tumatawa pa rin. “But seriously, think about it. I just really think talking to a professional will greatly benefit you.”

I looked at him while he’s driving.

I want to one day introduce him to my parents.

I want to be able to hold his hand in public without immediately thinking about people gossiping about us.

Ang dami kong gustong gawin kasama si Joaquin na alam ko hindi ko magagawa ngayon dahil ang dami kong underlying issues… na tama naman siya… kailangan kong iresolve.

“Okay,” I said. “But hanap tayo ng mas mura.”

“Okay,” he replied in a gentle tone.

“And babayaran kita sa future—kapag nagka-increase ako sa sweldo kaya ayus-ayusin mo ’yung assessment mo sa akin.”

“Are you asking for favoritism?”

“Oo.”

Tumawa siya. “I’ll think about it,” he said. I frowned. He briefly looked at me and pinched my nose. “You did so well this quarter, Franco. I don’t need to favor you to give you a high assessment—they can check the CCTV and see how hardworking you are.”

“Tss. Talaga lang. I was trained by the best nung org ko nung college.”

“Damn right you were,” he said as he pinched my cheek with a huge smile on his face. 

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Chapter 61

I was kind of dreading the day sa first therapy session ko. Who would’ve thought na mahirap pala maghanap ng therapist? I mean, parang ang dami namang available pero si Joaquin iyong maraming hinahanap kesyo ganito, ganyan. I just let him be dahil mas marami naman siyang experience sa akin pagdating sa ganon.

He was also the one who arranged for it—siya iyong nagbayad and everything. I told him that I’ll pay him but he told me to attend the session first and we can discuss it later.

“You want me to drive you there?” he asked.

We were on the phone. It was one of those rare times na wala kaming overtime. Nakaka-miss din pala but at the same time, ayoko naman maging super dependent kay Joaquin. Ayokong sanayin iyong sarili ko na lagi ko siyang nakikita kasi… ngayon pa lang tinitiis ko na na sabihin sa kanya kung pwede ba siyang pumunta dito o ako ang pumunta sa kanya.

Everything in moderation.

“Nope,” I told him. “Pero may time limit ba ’yon?”

“You can just schedule another session if you liked that therapist.”

“I mean, mag-uusap lang naman,” sabi ko sa kanya. Kailangan ba talaga feel ko iyong therapist? E makikinig lang naman siya sa mga hinaing ko sa buhay?

“We can talk about that later,” he replied like he was damn certain na tama siya. I mean, whatever. Gusto ko lang din namang ma-try kasi parang new and evolved person si Joaquin after therapy—iyon bang mapapa-sabi ka na lang na kung magpapa-therapy ang lahat ng tao sa mundo, the world will be a much better place… but then again, paano na ang mga red flag and bare minimum enjoyer?

Tsk. Bahala na sila sa buhay nila. Feel ko naman dadaan sa phase na ’yan lahat ng tao—unlike James na potaena stuck pa rin ’don. Tsk. Pagdadasal ko nga ulit mamaya ’yon.

Maaga akong dumating sa clinic. Ayoko nga ma-late kasi sayang iyong segundo. Pagpasok ko sa may office, gusto ko na agad magdown to business. I even list down the points of conversation na gusto kong pag-usapan!

“Why don’t we begin with your relationships,” sabi niya. I felt like she was a bit… amused. I mean, sayang iyong bayad, noh! I wanted to cover as much topic as possible.

“What about them?”

“You have a pattern of pursuing unavailable partners,” she stated.

I tried to bite my tongue. “I don’t—” I said but then paused.

Tahimik lang ako habang inuulit niya iyong mga sinabi ko kanina. Those words were from me but damn, iba pa rin pala kapag narinig mo mula sa ibang tao iyong mga ginawa mo dati? Parang… bigla kang makakaramdam ng secondhand embarrassment sa mga bagay na ikaw mismo ang gumawa.

“You spent years chasing people who were emotionally unavailable.”

“I wasn’t chasing,” I defensively said.

“Weren’t you? Constantly trying to prove your worth to people who made you feel like you weren’t enough?” she asked to my silence. “Why do you chase unavailable people?” she repeated.

I dug on my nail against my palm that I began to feel the sting.

“It’s easier,” I admitted against my will. “To chase someone who can’t fully give themselves. Because then, the failure is predictable.”

“Predictable how?”

“If I know they can’t love me completely, then I can always tell myself that I am not the problem.”

“So you’re protecting yourself?”

“More like… controlling the narrative,” I realized as I breathed. “If I’m the one chasing, if I’m the one trying, then the inevitable rejection isn’t a surprise. It’s… expected,” I said. “It wouldn’t hurt as much.”

“And what if someone actually wants to be fully available?”

I thought about Joaquin.

About how different he was now.

Before, I could always tell myself that it didn’t work because Joaquin’s unavailable… pero paano na ngayon? If it doesn’t work… sino na ang problema? Ako? Kasi hindi ako kamahal-mahal?

“That’s scarier,” I whispered scared. “Because then I’d have to believe I’m actually worthy of being loved. Completely.”

“Why don’t you think you’re worthy of being loved?”

Taena.

Therapy session ba ’to o roast session?

I drew a deep breath. Kaya siguro may mga throw pillows dito para yakapin at pisilin.

“I thought if I could just be… enough,” I said with a small voice.

“Enough for whom? Joaquin? Or yourself?”

Fucking hell.

Maybe I should’ve eased in? I asked for this—to go down to business. Now she’s asking me all these uncomfortable questions.

“Tell me about your family’s expectations,” she said when I was unable to say anything.

“I’m the only child,” I replied. “There’s… weight to that.”

“Weight?”

Tumango ako. “Continuation of the family name. Certain expectations,” sagot ko. Ilang beses ko ng narinig sa mga kamag-anak namin dati na dapat daw mag-anak ako ng marami kasi sa akin nakasalalay iyong pagtuloy ng apelyido namin.

“Expectations like?”

“Straight marriage. Kids. The whole traditional package.”

“And you?”

I drew another deep breath. “I’m gay. In a world where my parents still struggle with that reality.”

“How do they handle it?” she asked.

“Polite silence. Avoidance. Like if they don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.”

Impossible na hindi nila alam.

O baka mas masakit kapag hindi nila alam?

Because I was damn certain that if they look closely, they’d know… and kung hindi nila alam, ibig sabihin wala silang pakielam sa akin? Wala silang interes sa buhay ko? I didn’t know which will sting worse…

“And you want them to acknowledge it?”

I held the pillow closer to my chest. “I… don’t know,” sagot ko. Muli akong huminga nang malalim. “Maybe. Maybe not. But whenever I think about the future, I think about Joaquin… And of course I want to introduce him to my family. Pero paano ko gagawin ’yon kung ni ako nga hindi kilala ng pamilya ko?”

“Have you tried?” she asked. “Telling them about you?”

I shrugged. “No, not really—I guess I avoided them. The first chance I got, I ran away papunta dito sa Manila,” sabi ko at saka muli akong huminga nang malalim. “But I guess to an extent, maybe they know… Kasi pakiramdam ko ang normal ay tatanungin nila ako tungkol sa love life ko? At least that’s what I hear from the people around me… Na hindi nangyayari sa akin. Whenever I’d go home, they wouldn’t ask me about my love life or about who I’m seeing or kung single ako o kung anuman… It’s almost like a… taboo topic.”

How the fuck did Joaquin do this?

Even as I was saying the words, I felt this… ache in my chest.

Like I was recognizing all the bad things that I tried so hard to ignore.

“And I really want to introduce him but it’s… terrifying… especially introducing someone like Joaquin.”

“Why especially Joaquin?”

“He’s not just a partner. He’s… complicated. Prominent. Visible.”

I know that the moment I bring him home with me, it would be impossible to ignore.

And not that I’d want him to be ignored—Joaquin did a lot of work to meet me halfway. I wouldn’t want to just… hide him. He deserved to be loved loudly. I just didn’t know exactly how to do that… kahit gusto ko man.

“So introducing him would make the ‘silence’ impossible?”

I nodded. “Exactly,” I said. “And what if I can’t do that?”

“Do what?”

“Be the person who can do that. Introduce him to my family. Be… enough.”

“Why wouldn’t you be enough?”

The question hung in the air.

I thought about Joaquin. About all the layers of him I was still discovering. The Joaquin who went to therapy. Who deliberately chose to come back. Who was willing to take things slow.

“He did so much work,” I said quietly. “To meet me halfway. To be… better.”

“And you?”

“And me?” I echoed.

“What work have you done?”

The question wasn’t accusatory. Just… curious.

But then I thought about Joaquin’s own insecurities. How he once told me about his therapy—how he questioned why he couldn’t be happy. A successful guy, seemingly perfect, who still felt something was missing.

“He thinks he’s not enough,” I realized out loud. “Even when he’s done everything right.”

“Sounds familiar,” my therapist said that made me take a beat. “And you?”

“Me?”

“What work are you willing to do?”

I thought about Joaquin once again. How he could have stayed away. How he chose to come back. How he was willing to start over, knowing all our complicated history.

“He didn’t have to come back,” I said quietly. More to myself than to my therapist.

“But he did.”

“He did,” I repeated.

“And what does that tell you?”

The realization came slowly.

Then all at once.

“That it’s possible,” I said. “That we’re really possible—if we’re both willing to do the work.”

“Not just possible,” she said. “But worth it.”

---

I drove to Joaquin’s kahit wala naman kaming plano na magkita ngayon. I didn’t even know kung nandito siya. I just… wanted to see him. I feel like I appreciate him even more now. That was an uncomfortable conversation. And he had that every Wednesday for a fucking year… and for what? So that he could be around me?

Do I even deserve that much effort?

“What—”

I hugged him tight.

In public.

Against my every instinct telling me to keep my distance when we’re in public.

“Are you okay?” he asked after the initial shock of me hugging him in public.

I nodded against the nook of his neck. “Thank you,” I whispered.

“You’re welcome,” he said as I felt him caressing the small of my back. “But what for?”

“Di ba pwedeng in general na thank you?”

I felt him laughing. “Alright,” he said. “You’re welcome in general.”

Joaquin asked me if I wanted to go inside his unit because he probably felt that I was uncomfortable because there were some people looking at us.

Umiling ako. “Can we just walk around?” sabi ko sa kanya.

Of course I wanted to go to his unit—I wanted to see where he stays at and I didn’t really like being this open in public… I still feel like we’ll be judged—he’ll be judged because of me and I didn’t want that for him… but I guess the realization of all the hard work Joaquin’s putting in this relationship made me want to work harder as well. Siya na rin ang nagsabi—mere communicating’s already hard enough for us, for him, but he’s still doing it.

If he’s already putting in the work, sino ba naman ako para hindi din gawin ’yon? After all, if there’s anything I learn, relationships will only work if both people want to make it work.

So, if he needed me to wait for a fucking year before he’ll even kiss me again… fuck. I’ll probably die of waiting but I guess so be it.

“Joaquin,” I called. He looked at me as he was trying to open the bottled water that he bought for me.

“Hmm?”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Again?” he asked.

“For coming back,” I replied. I looked at him and gave him a tightlipped smile. “I promise I’ll meet you half-way as well… just please wait for me.” 

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 62

Isa sa mga profound realizations ko lately ay magastos maging mentally sane na tao… To think na therapy sessions lang ang binabayaran ko! What if kailangan ko pa ng maintenance medicine? Tsk. Hirap mabuhay sa mundo. Isa talaga sa mga wish in general ko ay magandang healthcare system sa Pinas dahil ang middle class na kagaya ko ay once health crisis away lang sa poverty.

Napa-tingin ako kay Joaquin dahil bigla niyang pinoke iyong noo ko gamit iyong index finger niya.

“What’s gotten you all serious?” he asked.

We’re currently stuck in traffic. Papunta kami sa resto kung saan ipapakilala niya ako sa friends niya. Ilang beses na ’to na-delay kasi originally, isasama niya ako sa birthday dinner. Nagbackout ako last minute kasi birthday nung tao! What if gusto niya na closest lang sa kanya iyong nandon? E ’di biglang parang epal pa ako. Pinilit ko pa si Joaquin na mag-isa na lang siya pumunta at sinabi ko na okay lang talaga sa akin at saka next birthday na ako sasama. ’Di ko sure if na-gets niya pero kasi na-imagine ko what if ako magdala ng tao na ’di naman ka-close masyado nila James sa birthday nila? E ’di ginera ako ni James. Gago pa naman ’yon minsan… for sure sa mga picture sadya niya na ilalagay sa gilid iyong guest ko tapos ica-crop niya kapag ipopost niya na.

“Just thinking about the healthcare system in the country.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “What? That’s so random.”

I shrugged. “Is it, really?” sagot ko. “I mean, based sa research ko, sa ibang mga bansa, libre lang iyong therapy session,” I began and then continued my rant. Joaquin listened quietly habang kung saan-saan na napupunta iyong mga pinagsasabi ko. I felt so heated. Tsk. Nakaka-init talaga ng ulo minsan itong mga topic na ’to.

“I’ll include you in my insurance,” he said after I told him my rant tungkol sa pagiging one accident away from poverty ko. Dapat talaga mag-ingat-ingat na ako sa pagtawid ko sa kalsada hindi iyong para akong pusa na may nine lives.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ano ako? Anak mo?” sabi ko sa kanya. “Pang family lang ’yon.”

I was just merely stating the reality of it… until I came to the realization na fuck… oo nga pala… ’Di nga pala kami pwedeng magpakasal kasi bawal.

I mean, alam ko naman ’yon pero nakaka-lungkot pa rin… Kasi bakit bawal? Gets ko naman kung bawal iyong Church wedding kasi syempre respect sa religion pero alam mo ’yon? What if kahit civil union man lang? Para masama ako sa insurance ni Joaquin! Practical lang ba bukod sa syempre mahal ko iyong tao.

Joaquin grew quiet.

“I’ll get you your own insurance,” he said like he was trying to find a way around the system.

I just laughed because what’s better than laughing in an uncomfortable situation? “Baliw.”

“I’m serious,” he said.

“I was just ranting,” I told him. “Hindi tuwing nagrarant ako sa ’yo ay nagpapa-rinig ako, okay?”

“So, you’re not hinting that you want to move into my place?”

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya at nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Hoy!”

Natawa siya. “See? I notice your subtle hints.”

I felt my cheeks heating up. Taena talaga ’to. ’Di man lang ako bigyan ng kahihiyan!

I rolled my eyes tapos ay sumiksik sa gilid ng sasakyan na akala mo e maglalayo talaga sa amin ni Joaquin e nasa isang sasakyan lang naman kami. “Move in mo mukha mo e hindi pa nga tayo.”

“Right…” he said. “We can just be roommates.”

“E ’di mas lalo kang na-stress?” sabi ko.

He looked right back at me and arched his brow. “Who’s talking now?” he asked back. “Who’s the frustrated one between the two of us?” he continued, challenging me because he knew damn well na gustung-gusto ko na siya talunin pero ako na mismo ang nag-insist na walang kalokohan na magaganap hanggang ’di boyfriend ang label namin sa isa’t-isa. Taena naman kasi ’yung self-deadline na binigay ko. Kailangan ko munang makausap sila Mama… Masabi iyong kay Joaquin…

Gusto ko lang ng… clean slate.

Iyong open na.

Walang tinatago.

I just wanted to begin things the right way.

“I know,” I said. “Basta hahanap ako ng time.”

“I’m not pressuring you,” he said.

“I know. I am pressuring myself.”

“Okay,” Joaquin said. “Just do things because you want to, not because you think I want you to do them.”

“I know,” I said once again. “Sa birthday ko, subukan ko. Para at least pwede ko sabihin na wish ko na tanggapin nila tayo.”

Joaquin’s forehead creased. “Choose another day,” he said.

“Why? Sa tingin mo din ’di magiging okay?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “But just in case, I don’t want you to have negative memories attached to your birthday,” he continued.

I pouted. “Fine. Sa birthday mo na lang.”

His lips parted in surprise sa sinabi ko pero napa-irap na lang siya at natawa.

---

Honestly, ’di ko alam kung ano ang sinabi ni Joaquin sa mga kaibigan niya nung dinala niya ako sa apparently quarterly get together nila… But everyone seemed normal… Walang nagtanong tungkol sa relationship namin—at least no one asked outright but at the same time, alam ko na alam nila?

“Seriously, why quarterly? ’Di ba pwede na magmeet na lang kayo kung kailan niyo trip?” I asked nung papauwi na kami.

“If that’s the case, we’ll never see each other,” he replied.

“Tsk. E ’di kayo na busy people.”

“You’re one to talk—you’re always complaining how you can’t see your friends.”

“E kasi dami ngang ginagawa! Ito ang adult friendship!”

“Precisely—we just do it better than you,” he said. “It’s all in our calendar—scheduled to repeat annually.”

I groaned. “You make friendship sound like a chore.”

He shrugged. “It’s what works for us,” he said. “Try scheduling a dinner a month in advance.”

“E ’di mukhang business meeting.”

“Does it matter? As long as you can go see your friends,” sabi niya sa ’kin.

Isa sa mga naappreciate ko ay iyong sobrang magkaiba kami ni Joaquin… May pagka-impulsive ako sa mga bagay habang siya naman naka-plano… Kumbaga siya iyong type A at ako iyong type B… Kung nase-stress siya sa akin, nase-stress din ako sa kanya. Pero I guess mas trip ko ’to. Kapag kasama ko kasi si Joaquin, it’s like I can turn my brain off because I know that if I’m with him, I’ll be fine.

“Fine,” I said. “Gusto mong sumama?” I asked.

He introduced me to his friends already… Kilala naman na siya nila James but at the same time, ’di ko pa siya naiintroduce bilang lalaki na bibilhan ako ng sarili kong insurance policy dahil ’di ako pwedeng maging dependent ng insurance niya.

Taena.

Bakit parang ang tanda na ng mga topics namin? ’Di na usual na nakaka-gagong problema namin nung college. Mga beneficiary na sa insurance ang issue namin. Susunod backpain na—

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

“What?” Joaquin asked. I looked at him with horror in my eyes. Joaquin looked worried. “What?” he repeated the question.

“Naisip ko lang…” I said as I stared at him and then stared at that thing in the middle of his legs. “Di na tayo bumabata… Meron na akong back pain… ’Di ko na kaya iyong mga ginagawa mo sa akin nung college.”

I was genuinely concerned kasi potaena para akong binalugbog dati sa mga ginawa sa akin ni Joaquin. Paano na ngayon?! May backpain na ako bilang corporate slave! Paano ako makaka-survive?! Baka kailanganin kong magsick leave kapag dumating na ang takdang panahon ng muling paghaharap namin ni Joaquin.

Joaquin looked torn between being horrified and wanting to throw me out of the moving vehicle.

“I’d pay serious money to know what the fuck goes on in your head…” he said… in one of the rare times na nagmura siya.

“Serious kasi ako!” sabi ko sa kanya. “Look, between the two of us, ikaw iyong planner, ’di ba? ’Di ba dapat pina-plano natin ’to?”

“What do you expect me to do?” he asked as he looked at me through the rearview mirror. “Schedule when we’ll have sex again?”

“Preferably on a Friday night so I can recover sa weekend.”

“While we’re at it,” Joaquin said, his sarcasm dripping, “let’s make a comprehensive sexual scheduling spreadsheet. Wednesday: just the tip. Thursday: another inch or perhaps two. Friday: full penetration or just shove it all there with mandatory recovery time.”

My lips parted dahil akala ko seryoso siya hanggang matawa na rin ako kasi taena naman… Ano ’yan?! Installment sex?!

“Complete with color-coded recovery zones,” I added, sinakyan ko na iyong sinabi niya. “Red for ‘cannot walk,’ yellow for ‘slight discomfort,’ green for ‘ready for action’.”

Joaquin’s lips twitched, fighting a smile.

“Should we include stretch recommendations?” he asked. “Yoga poses specifically designed for post-coital lower back rehabilitation for your back pain?”

“Corporate sexual wellness program,” I replied. “Patent pending.”

“With corporate-approved sick leave documentation?”

“Exactly. ‘Reason for absence: Interdepartmental physical team building exercise.’”

By now, Joaquin was actually laughing—the kind of laugh that made his whole body shake slightly.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said with tears in his eyes from laughing with his entire body.

I shrugged. “But medically practical,” I countered.

“I love you,” he said… out of the blue… that totally caught me off guard. “I love you so much,” he continued like he just wanted to say it because he needed to say it. 

This story is already complete at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 63

Gusto ko ulit mag-explain kay Joaquin at magsorry dahil hindi ko na naman siya napakilala kila Mama… I really had this nagging want of wanting to apologize but I knew that Joaquin would just tell me to take my time… Even my therapist would definitely tell me the same… Ako lang naman iyong pressured kasi gusto ko na talaga sabihin but I guess it’s way easier said than done kasi tuwing kaharap ko na sila Mama, para talagang tinatakasan ako ng dila ko. Minsan iniisip ko na sana magsurprise visit na lang sila sa condo ko tapos maabutan nila kami ni Joaquin na may ginagawang physical exercise—at least doon wala na silang choice kung hindi harapin iyong katotohanan na bakla ang anak nila.

“Di ba ako aapihin ng magulang mo?” tanong ko kay Joaquin.

“You watch way too many shows,” he replied.

“Nakita ko picture ng Mama mo—mukhang tatanungin niya ako kung magkano para layuan ka,” I said. “I have a number in mind.”

Joaquin looked at me, curious. “How much?” he asked.

“Ginoogle ko iyong net worth ng pamilya mo.”

His lips parted. “You did what?”

I shrugged like it was the most normal thing to do. I mean, ako lang ba gumagawa non?! Nung era kaya na ’di ko pa ka-close si Joaquin, inistalk ko naman siya online talaga… Buti na lang talaga nasa people pleaser era pa siya noon kaya madaling magstalk… But then again, private din siya kaya wala akong masyadong nasagap na information tungkol sa family niya. Pero better pa rin kasi kung nakilala ko siya sa idgaf era niya, jusko wala akong masstalk online tungkol sa kanya! Iyong Instagram niya e years ago pa iyong last post. Masyado niyang sineryoso iyong hindi na siya people pleaser—wala na ata siyang pakielam sa iba bukod sa akin at sa limited member ng friend group niya.

“Disclaimer—hindi ko sure kung gaano ka-accurate iyong na-search ko pero kung totoo man iyong figure na ’yon, siguro it’s only fair of me to ask for 50 million para layuan ka. With that, makakapagsimula ulit ako ng buhay malayo sa ’yo.”

Joaquin was just looking at me—like full on just staring at my face before he stood up, walked towards me, and cupped my face with both his hands. I immediately pouted my lips so he could kiss me.

Yup.

We negotiated that at the very least, pwede naman naming halikan ang isa’t-isa! Kasi kung hindi taena baka mabaliw na talaga ako!

“You’re cute if you think you’re capable of being without me.”

“Wow, ang kapal.”

He arched a brow. “But did I lie?”

I rolled my eyes. “50 million is 50 million.”

“Baby, you should know that I’m worth way more than that,” he said as he pinched my nose and walked away and… damn, why was that so hot of him?!

“Feeler!”

“I’m the only child—I’ll inherit everything. If you’re smart, you’ll stick with me until the day you die.”

“Ano ako? Gold digger?”

“Who cares? I’ll even give you the shovel myself.”

Taena talaga nito magpakilig—may kasamang panlalait!

---

“Grabe, talagang hahayaan mo na lang ako mapahiya, ganon ba?”

Joaquin looked at me. “You know what… I agree with your friends.”

“Ha?”

“When they called us ‘OA and Nonchalant.’ “

My lips parted. “Valid concern naman!”

“I told you, just be yourself.”

“Tss.”

“Also, didn’t you stalk my family? By now, you should know more about my parents than me.”

“Si OA.”

“Why? Am I wrong?”

“Syempre alam ko lang mga basic details,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Like ano ba mga ayaw ng parents mo na topic para maiwasan agad?”

He shrugged. “Just say what you want to say.”

“Sabotage talaga ’to.”

“Bilis na kasi,” sabi ko sa kanya.

According to Joaquin, matagal niya ng nasabi sa parents niya na may ‘boyfriend’ siya. Ang kapal din talaga ng mukha niya dahil sinabi niya ’yon nung ’di pa ulit kami nag-uusap… But according to him, he was damn certain na magiging kami ulit. When I asked him kung bakit sure siya, basta sabi niya lang sigurado talaga siya. Ang kapal talaga ng mukha.

He said that his parents were surprised—but they’re main concern was kung magkaka-anak ba si Joaquin. Buti sinabi na agad ni Joaquin sa akin kasi pota baka makapagjoke ako bigla na with the way their son is fucking me, nothing is impossible…

See! Dapat talaga may flashcards ako ng mga pwede at hindi pwede sabihin!

But in all seriousness, Joaquin and I had a conversation about that… I honestly told him na kung magkaka-anak man kami, okay lang na surrogate at iyong sperm niya iyong gagamitin. Pero syempre via clinic lahat kasi taena niya puputulan ko siya kung natural niya gagawin.

I’ll love the kid like he or she is my own—I mean, the kid will be part Joaquin… of course mamahalin ko ’yon.

But Joaquin told me na kung meron baby na part him, gusto niya rin ng baby na part me. I told him no need—na kung gusto niya ng isa pang anak, okay lang kung from him ulit. Wala naman akong urge na magkalat ng lahi…

‘I want a child that has your eyes—your stubborn way of looking at the world. Your ability to see beauty in small things. Why wouldn’t I want a piece of you in our family?’

Ikaw ba naman sabihan ng ganyan?! Taena kung pwede lang mabuntis talaga!

“Franco,” he said. Seryoso iyong boses niya kaya napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “Just be yourself in front of my family,” he continued.

“Pero—”

“I know you can’t be yourself completely in front of your parents—I’ll be damned if I let you pretend to be someone else in front of mine.”

How many times will I fall in love with him?

Joaquin reached for my hand and kissed my knuckle. “Just be yourself—piss them off or make them laugh—I’m good with any. I’ll always love you and you’ll always have me in your corner.”

I chewed on my lower lip. “Fine… Kapag ako talaga nakapagsabi ng inappropriate joke…”

Joaquin looked at me and smirked. “Wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

---

The dinner with his parents was rather… weird. I’d guess that like his friends, Joaquin probably made some threats here and there because the dinner ended without a hitch! As in okay na okay lahat—kasama na rin iyong topic ng apo nila. Kulang na lang sabihin ko na gusto ba nila na magpreorder na sa fertility clinic?

“Umamin ka nga,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Anong sinabi mo sa mga tao sa paligid mo?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Bakit… parang okay na okay silang lahat sa presence ko sa buhay mo?”

Don’t get me wrong, syempre ayoko rin naman ng drama kasi parang ang tagal bago kami naging masaya ni Joaquin… pero para sa overthinker na gaya ko, syempre ’di ko maisip na mag-isip kung bakit ganito… bakit parang… ang smooth sailing ng lahat? Magkaka-problema ba soon?

It’s statistically impossible na okay lang lahat, ’di ba?

Something’s bound to go wrong very soon.

“Do you want them to protest?”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

Joaquin was quiet for a while. “I know,” he said. “I just had a little chat with them.”

“You threatened them?”

“Not at all,” he said.

“Ano’ng sinabi mo?”

“That I’ve decided that you’re gonna be in my life permanently and either they get on with the program or be prepared to get cut off.”

My lips parted. “Sinabi mo ’yan… sa parents mo?”

“Well, not in those exact words.”

“In what words?”

“That at most, they’ll only see me on their birthdays—and that they should forget even meeting their hypothetical grandchildren because why would I let them be around them when they hate their father?”

As I stared at Joaquin and listen to all the ridiculous things that he said, ’di ko maiwasang isipin na… ah… sige…. okay lang pala na saktan niya ako nang saktan nung college kami kung dito rin pala kami babagsak… That looking at how far we’ve come? I can confidently say that it was all fucking worth it.

He’s worth all the tears I shed.

“Something to that effect,” Joaquin said. “I didn’t tell them I’ll cut them off because I know you’re waiting for my inheritance.”

My lips parted. Taena talaga nito magpakilig—expect mo na na may kasunod na pang-asar!

“Nakaka-bwisit ka talaga!”

“Can you blame me? Apparently, you’ll leave me for 50 million. I need to be worth way more than that.”

“Talaga lang! Pasalamat ka ’di tayo pwedeng magpakasal dahil ’di ako pipirma ng pre-nup agreement. Subukan mong magloko—kukunin ko lahat ng meron ka. ’Yung Celine cap mo lang ititira ko sa ’yo.”

Tawa nang tawa si Joaquin. “Honestly, what’s with you and that cap?”

“Ang mahal kasi!”

“I paid with my money—”

“Kakasabi mo lang na what’s yours is mine, so technically, sinayang mo iyong pera ko.”

He laughed. “I spent that way before I even knew you—”

“Well, you should’ve known na dadating ako sa buhay mo.”

“Right. I should’ve known you’ll bulldoze your way into my life when you were stalking me back in college.”

I groaned. “Ito na naman! ’Di ba pwedeng wholesome admiration lang ang meron ako sa ’yo dati?!”

“You grabbed me—”

I groaned once again as I tried to cover my ears with both my hands kasi taena irereminisce niya na naman lahat ng nakaka-hiyang pinaggagawa ko sa college. Taena talaga nito! Wala ng mapayapang araw sa buhay ko!

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 64

“I’m gonna have to transfer.”

To say that my heart dropped from my chest would be a massive understatement—halos mabitawan ko iyong hawak ko na tinidor dahil sa biglaang sinabi ni Joaquin. I stared at him… trying to process what he just said… and I thought I just heard.

“I just need to turnover some files, but I think I’ll be done by next week.”

“…aalis ka?” sabi ko. Fear quickly crept in my system. I was already panicking. Fuck! Aalis na naman siya? Iiwan niya na naman ako? I barely survived the first time… paano na ako nito?

Kumunot ang noo niya. His lips parted and then his eyes widened. “Oh. Shit. Sorry,” he quickly said as he reached for the fork that I dropped on the table. He stood up, put the used fork in the sink, at saka inabutan ako ng bago. “I mean, I’m gonna have to transfer to another department but still same company,” he continued. “I didn’t mean I’ll resign—and most definitely I didn’t mean that I’ll leave the country.”

Joaquin looked at me, his lips slightly parted. He gently grabbed my face and wiped the tears that I didn’t even know fell…

“Fuck. Please don’t cry. I misspoke,” mabilis na sabi niya.

“Aalis ka?” I asked again because at this point, that’s the only question that I needed to hear the answer to—the only question that mattered.

“No, no,” he said. “I will be transferring to another department,” pagpapatuloy niya.

Patuloy lang si Joaquin sa pagsasalita pero wala na akong marinig. All I could focus on was the fact that he’s not leaving… He said he’s not leaving… right?

“I’m sorry,” he said. It had been over an hour since he explained na mali lang ako ng pagkaka-rinig. He wouldn’t let go of my hand, wouldn’t leave my side to the point na lumamig na iyong pagkain namin na lunch sana namin.

“No,” I replied, “Mali lang pagkaka-rinig ko.”

I knew that Joaquin’s more considerate of me and my feelings now pero ayoko naman iyong tipo na nagsosorry siya sa lahat ng bagay na feeling niya ikakasama ng loob ko kahit wala naman siyang kasalanan. That wouldn’t be healthy at all. I wouldn’t want him to walk on thin ice around me—and I didn’t want to do that either.

This was our second chance after all—I wanted to do this right.

“Look, you don’t have to be apologetic for the smallest thing,” sabi ko sa kanya. “You said before that you had to chance, but so do I, right? That’s why I’m attending all these sessions,” pagpapatuloy ko.

I mean… to be fucking blunt, it’s still weird up until now. Growing up in a small town, I was used to keeping everything to myself—keeping who I am all to myself kasi… baka walang tumanggap sa akin. I’d always seen Manila as this sort of… escape. Akala ko doon, pwede na akong maging ako. I thought wrong. Kahit saan pala ako pumunta, may mga tao na manghuhusga. The voices in my head still lingered. Because at the end of the day, I have to accept myself first—ako muna bago iyong iba.

I learned that before I can love Joaquin fully, I have to love myself first.

“I know I have this… hangup about you leaving before. And that’s my issue. I am fixing that.”

“Still, I should’ve been more careful.”

“But I don’t want that,” I told him. “I want you to just be yourself around me. You told me before that you like being around me because you can be yourself in front of me so… just do that. Just be yourself,” I continued. I saw the worry still on his face. I held his hand tighter than he was holding mine. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” he said. “But you do know I’m not leaving, right? Not without you—never without you.”

I nodded with a smile on my face because if there’s anything I learned in nearly a year since he’s been back, it’s that he meant it what he said that he’s here. And he’s here to stay. Pero kahit alam ko ’yon, minsan bumabalik pa rin iyong dati… but that’s my problem to fix.

I know he’s not leaving anymore—I just have to fully believe it.

“Pero… bakit ka nagpalipat ng department?” I asked. We were still holding hands, never wanting to let go. “Nagsasawa ka na ba sa mukha ko?”

“Kind of.”

I frowned at him. “Wow, ha! Pasensya na.”

Joaquin laughed. “I read the company handbook last month,” he said. Kumunot ang noo ko. “Haven’t you read it?” he asked.

“May nagbabasa ba ng ganon?”

His lips slightly parted na para bang hindi siya makapaniwala na ganito ako. E sino ba kasi nagbabasa ng ganon?! Feel ko maaalala mo lang existence non kapag may ginawa kang katangahan at gusto mong silipin kung bawal ba ’yon at kung ikaka-tanggal mo ba ng trabaho.

“That’s why you weren’t that worried.”

“Hala. Tungkol saan? May mali ba ako sa work?”

“About the non-fraternization policy.”

“Oh… that,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“What?” he asked.

I looked at him. “Gusto mo ako na lang ang lumipat?” I asked him. I mean, sa aming dalawa, mas mataas naman iyong posisyon niya. Isang hamak na corporate slave lang naman ako. Makakahanap ako ng iba pang work.

“No,” he said. “I didn’t tell you about my transfer to guilt you or anything.”

“Kahit na,” sabi ko. “Kailangan mo ba talagang lumipat?”

He nodded. “I think people are starting to notice.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Alin?” I asked kasi as far as I was concerned, careful naman kami! Saka iyong mga late night namin sa office, as if naman voluntary ’yon! Sino ang gusto makipaglandian sa office na napakaraming CCTV, sige nga? Wala naman akong exhibitionism kink.

“That you’re my favorite.”

Agad na uminit iyong pisngi ko.

Tangina talaga nito—alam na alam kung paano ako papakiligin!

“Baliw,” I said as I tried to bite the inside of my cheeks para ’di naman halata na patay na patay ako sa gagong ’to. “I mean, technically, ’di pa naman tayo? Kaya ’di mo pa naman kailangang magtransfer or something?”

“I know,” he said. “Honestly, I’m impressed. I thought you’d give in in less than a month.”

“Wow!”

Tumawa siya. “But deep inside, you must be dying, huh?”

“Baka ikaw.”

“Well… my imagination tends to run wild,” he said. “And it helps that I have very good memory.”

Agad na napaawang ang labi ko nang marinig ko iyong sinabi niya. Alam ko na may pagka-slow ako sa ibang bagay, aaminin ko… pero kapag ganitong kabastusan ang sinasabi ni Joaquin, tila ba may sixth sense ako!

“What the—” He shrugged. “Ano ’yan, spank bank?!”

“I mean, it’s all in my head… unless you’d want to provide me with physical materials?”

“Tangina ka talaga minsan.”

“You love me, anyway,” he said.

“Ugh. I know,” I replied. Nakita ko na bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata niya. Fuck! Never ko pa nga palang nasabi sa kanya ’yon kasi para akong gago na naghahanap palagi ng perfect time kaso, after everything we’ve been through, naniniwala pa ba talaga ako sa perfect timing? Hindi ba mas tama na we make the perfect time?

“You—” he said and then paused.

I felt my cheeks heating up. Parang gago naman ’to! Malamang mahal ko rin siya! Kulang pa ba lahat ng iniyak ko sa harapan niya dati?! Saka ano feeling niya, free taste lang kami ngayon sa lahat ng paghahalikan na ginawa namin?!

“Duh,” I replied, trying to cover up the embarrassment that I was feeling with my comfortable sarcasm.

“Say the words,” he said.

“Di ka naman slow, so alam mo na ’yon.”

Joaquin didn’t flinch.

He began to caress my hand with his thumb and fuck it if that didn’t feel good as fuck.

“I…” I said as I tried to avert my gaze na akala mo virgin pa ako. Taena talaga. Hirap maging vulnerable! “Love you,” I continued habang naka-tingin sa pader. ’Di na ako magugulat kung may stiff neck ako bukas.

Pero hindi nagtagal ang pagtingin ko sa pader dahil mabilis na hinawakan ni Joaquin iyong mukha ko at agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya. He was cupping my face… and then I felt his lips on mine.

“I love you, too,” he said as our lips parted. He kissed me once again. I felt him smiling while our lips were pressed against each other. “I love you,” he repeated.

Fuck.

Ang sarap talaga ma-in love.

Kahit minsan nakaka-gago, nakaka-wala sa tamang pag-iisip… tangina, uulit at uulit talaga ako para lang maramdaman ko ’yung ganito.

“I love you din,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“We’re together now, right?” he asked.

“Pagod na ba imagination mo?”

“Not really,” he replied. “You did give me a lot of materials before.”

Mabilis ko siyang hinampas. “Fuck you.”

“Yes, please,” he quickly replied with a grin.

I knew he was just kidding… kind of… like all the previous times that he hinted that he wanted something more than a kiss. Gusto ko rin naman—syempre gustung-gusto ko rin! But one of the few things I learned during therapy was to establish firm boundaries—iyong susundin mo talaga at hindi iyong nandyan lang kapag convenient sa ’yo.

So, as hard as it was—and it really was hard—I didn’t give in.

“Yes,” I said.

“What?” he asked, a bit confused.

“Yes, we’re boyfriends now,” I replied. He blinked like he was still trying to process things. But this was not the time to process things. I quickly grabbed him closer and kissed him on the lips. The surprise from his end didn’t last more than a few seconds. He was quickly kissing me back, clothes were being tossed around.

Joaquin quickly adjusted the chair hanggang naka-harap na ako sa kanya. Napa-tingin ako sa pagkain. Nag-effort pa naman ako na magluto kasi may hiya naman ako kahit papaano! Lagi siya iyong nagluluto para sa aming dalawa.

“Wait,” I said as he was about to lean in again. “I thought we’re eating—”

“I’m eating,” he replied as my eyes widened and my heart fucking raced inside my chest when he pulled my boxers off.

“Hoy—”

“What?” he asked as his head was between my hands.

“Ano’ng ginagawa mo?!”

“Having my lunch,” he said as he quickly removed my hands and… what the fucking hell… I know he loves me but really… never in my fucking wildest dreams did I think that he’d give me a blowjob…

Fuck.

Fuck.

Tangina para akong masisiraan ng bait nang tumingin si Joaquin sa kin. He was looking at me like he was asking me if he was doing a good job. Fuck. I wished I had a good memory, too—I wanted this engraved in my mind.

I couldn’t find the right words.

Instead, I just nodded and guided his head using my hands.

“Fuck,” I breathed. “Sorry,” I continued before I held his head in place and thrusted until I felt him gagging.

Tangina…

“Sorry,” I said as I handed the tissue to him.

He made a face after he spit out. “Are you really?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

“Not really,” I said. “But… you really didn’t have to do that.”

“Why? I know I’m not good, but I’m a quick study. And also, take into consideration that this is the first time I’d ever done this—” he said, sounding defensive. Pinigilan kong matawa. Lumabas iyong pagka-nerd ni Joaquin na ’di sanay na ’di siya stellar sa kung anuman ang ginagawa niya.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked.

I wrinkled my nose. “Ang cute mo, e.”

“Seriously, practice makes perfect. I’ll do better next time.”

“Okay,” sabi ko. “But honestly, I know you don’t like doing that—”

“What?” he asked, his forehead creased. “When did I say that?”

“Before. You said that at most, you’ll give me handjobs. That’s fine, honestly.”

He looked like he was trying to rack his brain trying to remember kung kailan niya sinabi ’yon. I mean, to be fair, he did say a lot before—aminado naman siya. He probably didn’t even remember saying that. Kaya rin siguro careful na ako sa sinasabi ko sa kanya ngayon kasi alam ko iyong pakiramdam na masabihan ng masakit na salita. It stays with you.

“I said a lot of things before,” he said.

“I know.”

“But it’s different now,” he continued. “I want to do it,” he said. “I want to make you feel good, too.”

“Being with you already makes me feel good.”

“Good,” he said with a smile. “I’ll make you feel better then,” he continued as he stripped off his shirt and… goddamn, I have a really hot boyfriend—ako na talaga ang pinagpala sa lahat.

This story is already finished at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Chapter 65

“You really don’t have to,” sabi ni Joaquin sa akin nang papalapit na kami sa bahay namin.

After a long time of dilly-dallying, I have decided to come out of the closet… even though the closet was basically made of fucking glass. I knew that this was the right thing to do—I just kept on delaying because I was afraid… but I guess wake-up call ko of some sort iyong birthday nung inaanak ni James.

That I couldn’t keep on living like this.

That I didn’t want Joaquin to keep on living like this.

We both deserve to be free—to love freely.

“If may masabi sila na ’di maganda, I apologize—” I paused. “No. Why the hell will I apologize for something na mali?” sabi ko nang mapa-hinto ako. “If they say something offensive, you can go back to the car. I’ll deal with my parents,” I told Joaquin.

Agad na kumunot ang noo niya. “Are you insane? Why will you even think that I’ll leave you if that happens?”

“I just don’t want you to be subjected to… whatever they’ll say.”

Joaquin reached for my hand. “I told you—you don’t have to do this. I’m not pressuring you, you know that, right?”

I nodded. “I know. I want to do this,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Panay lang ang paghinga ko nang malalim. Ilang minuto na kaming naka-park sa labas ng bahay namin.

“That’s your dad, right?” sabi ni Joaquin. Napa-tingin din ako sa tinuturo niya. True enough, naka-silip sa bintana iyong tatay ko… Iniisip siguro kung kaninong sasakyan iyong naka-park sa harap ng bahay nila. For sure, curious na rin iyong mga chismosa kong kapitbahay. Bihira lang naman kasi may mapadpad dito na luxury car. Malay ko rin ba na makaka-bingwit ako ng pogi at mayaman na lalaki sa Maynila? Not me!

Tumingin ako kay Joaquin. “It’s go time.”

He chuckled a bit. “You make it sound like we’re about to go to war.”

“Knowing my parents? Medyo ganon na nga.”

I was about to get out of the car when I felt Joaquin’s hand on my wrist. Agad na napa-tingin ako sa kanya.

“I respect your parents and I want them to like me, but if they start saying shit, I can’t promise that I’ll just stand there and listen to them disrespect you.”

Hindi naman ako firm believer ng after life and reincarnation, pero kung totoo nga ’yon, I must’ve done something so right in my past life to deserve someone like Joaquin in this life… someone who not only loves me but loves me so fiercely…

“Okay,” I told him.

Joaquin didn’t say a word, but he reached for my hand and kissed the back of it.

And suddenly, I wasn’t so scared anymore… because I knew that whatever might or might not happen, I will always have him on my corner.

---

My hands were sweating as I turned the doorknob. Behind me, Joaquin carried the box of cake and bouquet of flowers that he insisted on buying. I appreciated that. Sana ma-appreciate din nila Mama.

“Ma?” I called out kahit na alam ko naman na naka-abang na sila nang makita nila kami na lumabas nung sasakyan ni Joaquin. “Papa?”

The house felt smaller than how I remembered it… possibly dahil lumaki na ang mundo ko? I used to think of this place as my whole world… back then, I could be myself here—at least when my parents weren’t around. The outside world didn’t feel as accepting.

But that was before.

I have my friends and Joaquin now.

“Sino siya?” agad na tanong sa akin ni Papa.

To some extent, I knew that this was what would happen. My parents had this kind of… image that they wanted to project. Alam ko na kapag dinala ko dito si Joaquin, they would be polite to his face, but at the same time, their disapproval would be apparent. Okay lang sana kung ako lang…

“Si Joaquin,” I stated. I hated that my voice displayed the fear and nervousness that I was feeling. Huminga “ako nang malalim. “My boyfriend.”

There.

I said it.

I figured I should just say the word—I mean, it’s just a word, anyway. Boyfriend. Boyfriend ko siya. Surely, this wouldn’t be the end of the fucking world. Ano naman kung may boyfriend ako? Naka-patay ba ako ng tao? Nagnakaw ba ako? Kriminal ba ako?

I fell in love with someone who shares the same gender as me—so fucking what?

I hated that I know I accept myself… I love myself… but to some degree, I’ll always be defensive because I knew that the world isn’t as accepting as I want it to be.

The word hung in the air. Heavier than I expected.

Naka-tingin sila kay Joaquin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip nila. I was torn between waiting for whatever they wanted to say… or to be on the offense.

“I’m Joaquin.” He took a step forward and offered his hand to my father. I felt like there was this huge countdown inside my head—naghihintay kung kailan tatanggapin ni Papa iyong kamay ni Joaquin… o kung tatanggapin niya ba ’yon.

I was already preparing the combative words when—

“It’s nice to finally meet you po,” Joaquin said as my dad accepted his hand. “Franco always told me stories about you po,” sabi ni Joaquin. Tumingin sa akin si Papa na naka-kunot ang noo. We both knew Joaquin was lying—ako? Magku-kwento tungkol sa kanila nila Mama? Asa pa.

---

“What?” mahinang bulong sa akin ni Joaquin nang kami na lang iyong nasa may kusina dahil apparently, dito kami maglulunch.

“Wala,” sabi ko. “Weird lang. Lahat ng sentence mo may po sa dulo.”

“That’s the polite way.”

“Oo pero weird lang marinig from you.”

“Are you calling me disrespectful?”

I shrugged. Joaquin glared at me. I chuckled. Ang cute talaga nitong boyfriend ko kahit minsan ang oa na kasi literal na may po lahat ng sentence niya! Alam mo ’yung tina-try niya lang naman maging respectful pero parang oa na minsan? Pag nagsasalita siya, minsan apat na po ang lumalabas sa bibig niya!

Bilang pakitang-tao naman ang parents ko, naghanda sila nang maayos na lunch. I knew Joaquin wasn’t too fond of the lunch menu, pero tahimik siyang kumain. Hanggang matapos kaming kumain, wala silang tanong kay Joaquin.

“Ma—”

Natigilan ako nang maramdaman ko iyong hawak ni Joaquin sa kamay ko. I looked at him. He didn’t look at me, but I felt him squeezing my hand. He probably felt me stressing out… I was embarrassed. His parents welcomed me—albeit they were quite disappointed na ’di ako pwedeng mabuntis, but whatever. But my parents? Wow. Kahit magkunwari man lang sila na interesado sila kay Joaquin… Kahit iyon na lang sana.

“Thank you for the food,” Joaquin said. “We enjoyed the food, but I’m afraid that we have to go back to Manila.”

Tahimik na tumango lang ang mga magulang ko. I still wanted to say some words, but I bit my tongue. In the end, I just gave them a polite smile—the same smile that they showed us the entire time.

“Sorry,” tahimik na sabi ko kay Joaquin habang nagda-drive siya pabalik sa Manila.

“What for?” he asked. “I think that went well.”

“Sang parte?”

“All of it,” he said.

“Seryoso ka ba o pinipilosopo mo lang ako?”

“I’m serious,” sagot niya. I looked at him. His eyes were still on the road, but he threw me a quick glance when he felt me staring at him. “I’m serious,” he repeated. “I think that went well.”

“Ewan ko sa ’yo.”

“Give your parents time,” he said. “My parents were way worse when I first told them.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Ha? Akala ko okay lang sila sa akin?”

“I mean, generally, they’re fine but… think about it—I’m the only child. I’d been straight my whole life. Then one day, I asked to meet up with them and told them that I’m gay and that I have a boyfriend—of course it didn’t go quite as well as I hope it’d go.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

What the fuck!

Sabi niya okay lang lahat!

“I promise they’re good with us now, but it didn’t magically become like that, Franco. They needed… time to think—to process things through. I think we both can give your parents that.”

“Fine,” I said. “Sa ’yo siguro pwede pa kasi buong buhay mo babae ang inuuwi mo—”

“What? When did I ever bring someone home?” he asked. “You’re the only person I brought home.”

I felt my cheeks heating up kasi totoo naman…

“Seriously?” natatawa na sabi niya. “You’re blushing now?” Hinampas ko siya. “Hey! I’m driving!” kunwari galit na sabi niya but then he reached for my hand and kissed it again—pansin ko na hilig niyang gawin kapag nagda-drive siya.

“But seriously, give your parents some grace,” he said.

I wanted to tell him na iba naman iyong sa parents ko… Siguro iyong sa kanya talagang excusable iyong shock nila kasi kahit ako naman dati never ko inisip na magkaka-gusto sa akin si Joaquin. Pero sa parte ko? Impossible na totally hindi alam ng mga magulang ko.

They knew—to some extent.

But I didn’t want to argue with Joaquin. I knew that he just wanted the best for me—I knew that he knew that to some extent, of course I wanted acceptance from my parents… and he’s doing his best to give that to me.

---

“Why are you pouting again?” Joaquin asked.

Nalipat na siya sa ibang department. Akala mo naman napaka-laki ng company namin pero taena minsan ’di talaga kami nagkikita! At least nung nasa isang department pa kami dati, pwede ako dumaan sa office niya para makita man lang siya. Ngayon e nasa kabilang dako siya ng building na ’to.

“Magbreak muna kaya tayo tapos palipat din ako sa department mo?” sabi ko.

Natawa siya. “Why? Miss me that much?”

I nodded.

Medyo nabigla si Joaquin. I mean, hindi naman ako napaka-cold na tao pero ’di rin kasi ako ganon ka-vocal! Ewan. Medyo cringe siya sa akin pero taena, miss na miss ko na boyfriend ko! Sino ba kasi naka-imbento ng no fraternization rule na ’yan! As if naman magmomomol kami sa gitna ng meeting!

“Come here,” sabi niya at saka hinatak ako palapit sa kanya at niyakap.

Medyo nabigla ako but I quickly melted into a puddle in his arms. I just… love being like this with him. I love our ordinary days. Sana ganito lang palagi.

“You can’t transfer to my department,” sabi niya.

“Tsk. Ayaw mo ako makita?”

He chuckled. I felt the vibration of his chest. “You’re up for promotion, right?”

“Tsk. Anong sense ng promotion kung lagi lang kitang namimiss?”

Joaquin held me tighter and I felt him kissing the top of my head.

“I have a solution for that,” he said.

I looked up to him. “Ano? Ikaw magpapa-lipat?”

“No,” he said as he shook his head. “Move in.”

I blinked.

“Or I can move in,” he continued. “But honestly, my space is much bigger—and didn’t you say before that you want to live in this neighborhood?”

I blinked again.

“Or we can find a new place together,” sabi pa niya. I must’ve been blinking too much dahil niluwagan ni Joaquin iyong pagkaka-yakap sa akin. Now, there’s space between us. “Say something,” he said. “Do you hate the idea? You know I’ll be the perfect housemate—I’ll cook for you and I hate mess so we both know that I’ll be in charge of the cleaning. I also don’t snore. And this place is already mine so you won’t have to worry about paying rent.”

“Franco—”

“Okay,” I said.

His eyes were a bit wide—his face showing some semblance of worry… like for a second, he actually did believe that I wouldn’t like the idea of moving in with him. Baliw ba siya?!

“Okay?” he asked like he wasn’t sure na tama iyong narinig niya.

I nodded. “Duh!”

“Oh,” he said. “Okay. For a second—”

I quickly hugged him again. I felt his surprise but that surprise was quickly replaced with his arms wrapping around me.

“Sure ka na ba dito?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Wala ng bawian kapag lumipat ako dito.”

“I mean, you basically live here anyway.”

“Ikaw lagi gusto dito ako matulog, e!”

“I mean—yeah… you’re right,” he said, giving in. “But do you want to live here? We can go look for another place.”

Umiling ako. “No, I’m good here. Besides, sabi nga nila, home is where you are.”

I felt him laughing. “Wow, what a cheesy line.”

“Sulitin mo na dahil minsan lang ’yan.”

“I know,” he said as I felt him kiss the side of my head. “When do you want to move in?”

“Ngayon na.”

“It’s already 9PM,” sabi niya. “And it’s Wednesday. How about this weekend?”

“Tsk. Fine.”

He laughed. “Thanks for the consideration.”

“May question ako. Kapag ba dito ako nagmovein, pwede pa ring maghousewarming party?”

“Sure,” he said. “Do you want to throw one?”

“Pwede ba?”

“Of course,” sabi niya. “This is your house now, too.”

“Okay,” sabi ko kahit kilig na kilig na ako. “Invite natin iyong friends mo tapos friends ko. Do you think magkaka-sundo sila?”

“Maybe,” sabi ni Joaquin. “But it’d be nice if they can get along—we can all hangout together.”

“Wala ka bang single friend d’yan? Para tumigil na si James kaka-Tim niya.”

Joaquin laughed. “I’m not sure, but I’ll tell you if I think of anyone.”

---

The next few days ay naging abala ako sa paglilipat ng mga gamit ko. Mas gusto ko naman iyong mga gamit ni Joaquin kaya dinala ko lang iyong personal na gamit ko at pinagbebenta ko lahat iyong iba. I was thinking na gamitin iyong pera sa bakasyon with Joaquin. Lagi na lang kasing si Joaquin iyong gumagastos. Sa birthday niya, I’ll plan a trip to Osaka since nabanggit niya na favorite place niya ’yon.

The day of the housewarming, dumating iyong mga parents niya at mga kaibigan namin. Tinutukso ko lang si Joaquin dati na may quota siya sa friend list niya pero gets ko naman talaga… Ito iyong mga tao na kasama niya since then—hindi talaga siya iniwan kahit ano ang nangyari, kahit na minsan once a year lang silang magkita. Same din naman sa akin with James and Andrew. Forever friends kumbaga.

“You okay?” Joaquin whispered nang mapansin niya na pa-tingin-tingin ako sa pinto.

Almost half a year simula nung pumunta kami sa kanila at pinakilala ko si Joaquin sa kanila? Tama na sigurong oras iyon para makapag-isip sila.

I didn’t tell Joaquin na ininvite ko iyong parents ko pero siguro test ’to… na kung pupunta sila, e ’di okay. Kung hindi… I guess I should begin to live my life without thinking about them because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for their acceptance.

I deserve to live fully.

“Did you order anything?” Joaquin asked nung may magdoorbell.

Dahil sa higpit ng security sa condo ni Joaquin, may binigay kami na pre-approved list ng guest. Joaquin didn’t know na pina-add ko sa list iyong parents ko.

I wanted to stand up but my legs wouldn’t cooperate. Joaquin stood up instead and walked towards the door. He checked the monitor and then turned around to look at me. I didn’t even need confirmation to know kung sino iyong nasa labas.

I forced myself to stand up and walked towards Joaquin.

“I invited them,” I told him.

“What—” He paused. “Yeah, of course. I was just surprised.”

I looked at him. My lips were quivering. “Di ko inexpect na pupunta sila.”

Joaquin cupped my face and smiled at me so fondly. I felt my heart relaxing as I looked at his face.

“I’m glad,” he said.

We opened the door. Binigay nila Mama iyong dala nilang cake at bulaklak—gaya nung dala namin ni Joaquin nung kami naman ang pumunta sa bahay.

I was still in a daze but I was glad that Joaquin noticed that and quickly took over. He introduced my parents to his parents, to our friends. For a second, I just stood by the door as I watched them—our friends, our parents, all together… celebrating us taking the next step and moving in together.

‘You okay?’ Joaquin mouthed from across the room.

I gave him a small nod and mouthed ‘I love you.’

His forehead creased in confusion but that was only for a split second because he mouthed ‘I love you, too’ right back at me. 

This story is already completed at patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at $3 per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!

Epilogue

I watched as Joaquin’s fingers hover over the phone.

One touch.

Our entire story—compressed into a single image.

Two hands.

Two rings.

No words necessary.

His Instagram, dormant for years, suddenly alive with this singular post.

Thailand as the location.

Closed comments.

No explanation required.

We were married.

The end -