Author’s Note

hey!

welcome to ’ It’s Still There ’

just to give a fair warning, this story contains heavy topics such as homophobia and bullying.

this takes place during the 1980’s, which was a much different time than today.

thank you if you decide to stick around for this tale.

enjoy!

<3 <3

Prologue

Where do I begin?

This anecdote is one that in the end will make you hate me even more. 

I won’t ask for pity, nor will I beg for your forgiveness. I understand the extent of what I did those years ago. When I made the worst mistake of my life that ultimately left me as a lonely bachelor who to this day refuses to date.

When I was young, my mother always told me that compassion is the best gift a person can get. I believed her. And for the longest time, I treated compassion as gold. A fragile, intangible item that at any moment I can lose. 

But as a child grows, their compassion and innocence is lost. And thus I found a new item that was more valuable. More valuable than gold, diamonds, and all the riches in the world.

Love.

And in the span of two months, I lost that love. And to this day, I’ve never experienced that kind of affection.

I took it for granted. And I will never forgive myself.

I got out of work. It was a standard Friday night. For the past 25 years, I’ve had my own business. I’ve acquired riches and mansions and luxury cars. But like I said, I never forgave myself for losing love. Which means that a hole in my heart causes the empty feeling to never leave.

It was dawn, and I drove away from the hustle and bustle of the inner city and made my way to the luxury hills that contained larger homes. My home was located in a far secluded area. And it’s how I like it. I had a big house, just for myself. Sounds like a dream, but at my 45-year age, it’s nothing more than living in purgatory.

I began my basic tasks of showering, then settling into my office to finish some last minute documents. I prefer to occupy my time as much as I can to forget the fact that once I leave this office, I’ll be met with nothing but emptiness. 

I sat at my indoor bar. The wall displayed any kind of alcohol that one can think of. Liquor that can get you killed, arrested, or both. Bottles made of crystals encrusted in blood diamonds. Wine that has been aging since the reign of Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain. 

I took a sip out of a simple whiskey. I needed to go lightly today. After closing such a huge deal today, I drank a little to keep my composure and remember that the deal still wasn’t enough.

Nothing ever was.

I drank three shots. Three only. I sat at my bar, wishing that someone would come down the grand stairs and welcome me home and kiss me. But nothing happened. 

I got up from my seat and moved to the study near my room. I entered, but the drink made me tipsy. I stumbled, making sure to grab onto the walls like they were a loved one taking me home. 

I burst into the room and looked around. I chuckled. Seriously? I have millions, I own islands, I can literally buy people. And I still feel miserable. But it’s my fault. I acknowledge that. You too shall see soon what is the cause of my precarious mindset. And how stupid I was. The moment when not only did I lose the last amount of compassion, but all my love that I had to give. Stupid!

I walked to the bookshelf which contained law books and classical books that I’ve never read. I picked up one of the books. ‘The Song of Achilles.’ I laughed. Why do I even bother buying books. I threw the book. Not to be disrespectful. I’m sure that book is amazing. But I can’t handle that I was surrounded by all these materialistic items that served absolutely no purpose to me.

My anger that raged in me was overtaking me. How could I have been so ignorant? So careless? My actions are the results of my deeds. And here I am today, living them.

I slid my hand onto the shelf and knocked down all the books. Every thick book was dropped onto the floor. It wasn’t enough. I continued with the next shelf. And the next. Pretty soon, every shelf in my room was trashed. The north and southern walls were left barren with nothing on them. Books littered the floor, some broken statues littered the floor too. But I still needed to do more. 

I picked up a wooden chair and smashed it on the bask. Pieces of wood flew everywhere in every direction. I think I got some splinters, but I allowed the pain to deal a large amount of damage on me. 

I picked up the whiskey on the table that I had just in case and drank straight from the bottle. I chugged it like it was water. 

My eyes saw nothing but red. In a fit of rage, I trashed the whole office. Desks were knocked, windows were shattered, plants were torn, and carpets were soiled with debris.

After I was done, I sat on the floor, crying my eyes out. I sobbed for a while until I looked to the right of me.

There it was, layed out open. The newspaper that forever changed my life. The newspaper was old and brittle. It was stuffed in a book, allowing its decay to slow. I reached over and grabbed the newspaper. I held it like it was a treasure. I read the headline and then the description. 

And I lost it. I cried and cried nonstop. I had chugged the entire bottle of whiskey in one sitting. Paper in hand, I walked, more like stumbled, down the stairs. I didn’t care about my safety. If I died today, I died. I wished I would suffer a painful death. I deserve to be tortured in the worst way possible. I deserve to not die instantly. Maybe I could get into a car crash and feel the pain of my life going away. Or I could cut my limbs off and feel it all.

Who am I kidding? That’ll never amount to what I made him feel.

I walked until I reached outside my home. It was the backyard, which overlooked the city. I stood near the edge, which had railing to keep you from falling. I looked over, holding the newspaper in my hands.

I looked over it, reading every line and sentence with precision. I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe that my actions led to this which led me to where I was now.

Now you’re really wondering what I did. I can’t say it. I just feel too much of a burden to even mention it. Guilt. Humiliation. You would probably want to stone me to death. And I don’t oppose it.

“I’m so sorry.” I said, looking up to the skies. I didn’t believe in heaven, nor hell, or even God in general. My hope and faith was lost as I grew and remembered that if God truly was with me, he wouldn’t have allowed him to be taken away from me.

But I still like to hold onto the small idea that maybe he’s up there watching down on me. That he’s looking after me, making sure that I still have my life in check. I wish he was here now. Would’ve he been proud of what I’ve accomplished? Proud of the money I have? The riches that cover this hill that I reside on? Or would he have been disappointed at the fact that I have no one to share it with. That even though I have all this, I still remain alone.

No doubt he’s disappointed in me. That’s all I ever did to him . 

“I deserve everything bad.” I said. I looked upon the setting sun, as another day was ready to pass. 10,585 days, at least. That’s how many days it’s been since I last saw him.  

It feels like it was an eternity when he left, but yesterday when I met him.

Now you’re definitely wondering what I did. It’s nothing short of betrayal.

Enough beating around the bush. 

Here’s the story of when I found love. Only to lose it in the blink of an eye.

Here’s my story. One that will forever be burdened by me only.

1. Cans For Church

29 YEARS EARLIER

When I was a child, I was raised in a standard household with everything I needed. We never had money problems, but I’ve learned that all my issues can be fixed with the people I surround myself with. 

Growing up in a small town never allowed us to be in touch with the outside world. Our town was essentially stuck in the past. I can recall when I used to wake up at 10:00 am on a Sunday and dress in a chiffon shirt with ivory buttons and steamed black dress pants just to go to church. Everytime I went to church, sleep would overtake me. I knew then that whatever the pastor was saying was complete bullshit. Religion never had to do with hate, or hating people who were different, or punishing what one can do with their body. So even then, I created my own version of God. This God was caring. He loved all his creatures, no matter how they were. My God listened to every single person who spoke to him. He never advocated for us to hate on people. 

Sundays were spent going to church, then staying one hour afterwards so my mom can gossip with the other moms. Hypocritical. This is how religion is. You only focus on what you want to believe and everything else is a sin.  

But I can’t judge others for I myself am far from perfect.

There were at least 4 masses that took place on Sunday. And everytime, almost every family came. All 800 people would come and listen to B.S. that brainwashed them.

Almost everyone.

Except for the mysterious Collins. After every mass, my mom and the others would gossip that the Collins never attended mass. Some thought that they were satanists. Others assumed that they were in the mafia and could never attend because of the sins they committed. I think the worst rumor I heard was that the alleged Mr. Collins was a convicted pedophile who couldn’t step foot into an area with children.

We didn’t even know if there was a Mr. Collins. But in your standard 1980’s family, everyone had a father and mother.

They assume the worst. I always figured that maybe they were busy. The Collins lived in a small house in the worst area in the neighborhood. Or maybe it was something else. It wouldn’t be until a few weeks later when I would find out why they never attended mass.

As part of my church lessons, I had to go around the town to collect cans. It was a daunting task since it would require me to walk in a black attire in the blazing hot sun. For April, it sure as hell was hot. I was assigned to the poorer neighborhood which worried me. You never know what someone will attempt to do to you.

I expected a horrible experience but it ended up becoming a moment when my life would forever turn around.

I reached a shanty house that had debris in the yard. A window was cracked and the dry grass  was evident that no one looked after the lawn. I approached the door carefully. I knocked on the door, loud enough for someone to hear, low enough to not bother anyone. A few minutes of waiting and I was about to turn around when the door opened.

There he stood. The person whose life would forever be in my debt. 

“H-Hello?” His soft voice said. He stood at the open door, his gray shirt reaching to his thighs and his legs covered by sweats. This was a dramatic difference to me, who wore a dress attire. The small boy stood there, tilting his head to the side. He was smaller than me. He was at least 5’ 5’’. He had tousled brown hair that almost tipped over his forehead. His amber eyes were wide with curiosity, like he wanted to know everything in the world. 

My first thought when I saw him was ‘Oh he’s adorable.’ But I couldn’t say that. Why did I think he was adorable? It’s probably because he looks cute. It’s not like I might like him. I didn’t expect to see someone who was probably my age living here. Usually it’s elderly people who live in the slums since they can’t work that much to afford good housing. 

What was a kid like him doing in a place like this?

The significance of that, I now realize, goes further than living here. An innocent soul like him should not have been placed in a place so hateful. He deserved to fly with angels.

“I’m Gavin. I’m from St. Michael’s Church. We’re doing a can drive and I was wondering if you had any cans you would like to donate?” I said in my voice that really was a facade. The boy looked at me before shaking his head.

“Sorry. We don’t have anything.” He said. I took emphasis in the ‘anything’. We stood looking at each other. My eyes refused to look away. My feet refused to walk away. My mind refused to think about anything else. I started sweating, most likely due to the sun and me being nervous.

“You’re sweating.” He said. I nodded in agreement. 

“Please come in. I’ll get you something to drink.” He said, stepping aside to allow me to enter. I wanted to refuse but I accepted the offer. All dark thoughts that I would be murdered or kidnapped ended when this young boy showed me compassion. 

“Sit here while I go get you water.” He said. I put the small tote bag of cans on the floors and sat on the old couch that squeaked when I sat on it. I took a good look at the home. It was small and cramped. Peeling wallpaper and cobwebs littered the house. I saw a few relics like an angel statue and some books and picture frames here and there. 

“Here you go, Gavin.” He said, walking into the room, holding a glass of cold water.

“Thank you… um…” I said.

“Carter. Carter Collins.” He said. It clicked in me that he was a Collins. The family notorious for never attending mass. A part of me, the brainwashed side, wanted to grab him and drag him to church and force him to confess his sins for straying away from God. But the other, more better part of me, wanted to simply ask why he doesn’t go to church.

Proving once again the religion only fuels anger and violence. 

“Right.” I said. I began sipping the water, enjoying the moment of relaxation. Out of all the houses I’ve been to, Carter was the only one to show me kindness.

“What school do you go to?” I asked.

“Umm, Harrison High. Like any other teen in this town.” He said.

“Right! Forgot about that.” I said, sounding embarrassed.

“What grade are you in?” I said. He probably had to be a freshman because of how young he looked.

“Sophomore.” He said, making me gasp.

“What’s wrong?” He said.

“It’s just, you look so young. How is it we’re in the same grade but I’ve never seen you before.” I said. I drank the remaining water and set the cup down.

“Well I mean, you’re popular and I’m…”

“Unpopular?”

“…Invisible.” 

My mood turned sour at the thought that I’ve never noticed Carter before. I’ve known him for five minutes and he’s already been the best person I’ve seen. Such an innocent kid thinks that he feels that no one sees him. But I see him now.

And I’ll never stop seeing him.

“If it makes you feel better, I now know you exist.” I said. He blushed a bit.

“Here.” I said, handing him a few cans from my bag. 

“Really? Are you sure?” He said, hesitant to take the cans.

“Yes. They’re meant to go to people who don’t have food. I’m allowed to give them to people I see fit.” He hesitantly took the cans and thanked me.

“Wanna play a board game?” He said. I perked up, loving that idea.

“Of course!” I said. I took off my dress shirt and rolled up my sleeve. I caught Carter looking at my arms.

Carter left for a different room and came back with an old box. The word ‘Monopoly’ was displayed. He opened the box and sat on the floor. I followed his actions and also sat down in front of him with the box in between us. I helped to set up the pieces and assembled the game.

We played Monopoly for a while. I think we got carried away. Carter’s company was definitely one that I enjoyed. It was different from my friends who I could tell put on a fake smile. When I laughed with Carter, it was genuine. When we were happy, it was genuine.

Carter was genuine. 

And in my current life, it’s something I haven’t seen since.

It was time for me to leave. I chose not to ask why Carter doesn’t go to church. Nor did I ask about the absence of his parents, who in our time at his house, never made an appearance.

“Will I see you again, Gavin?” He said, walking me to the door.

“Definitely, Carter.” I said. He smiled and almost jumped in joy.

“Bye, Gavin.”

“See you later, Carter.” I said. I waved at him and walked down the street. I turned around and saw Carter was still looking at me with the biggest smile on his face. I waved again and he waved back. I turned around, walking back home like I was now unstoppable. 

I may have met the best person in the world.

My parents were a bit upset that I came home late. But I just told them that I stopped by at the church to drop off the cans and helped out. In reality I gave all my cans to Carter. He deserves them. He deserves the best.

He DESERVED the best.

I slept that night and recalled the fun I had earlier that day. I was more happy being with Carter than the presence of the Lord.

The next day at school, I met up with the people I consider “friends”. I actually despise them. I want nothing more than to punch them all. But to keep my popularity status, I have to remain cordial with them.

“Hey, home skillet.” Ned said. I fist bumped him. 

“Hi, Gavin.” Patty said while waving at me.

“Gavin.” Fred said, nodding at me. 

“Sup.” Lauren said. 

This was my group of people I hung out with. Ned was a bit of a hothead who bullied people. Patty has the reputation of fighting any girl who was prettier than her. Fred isn’t afraid to shout racial slurs to any person of color. And Lauren only gained popularity for sleeping with a guy and falsely accusing him of rape. 

How did I gain popularity? I slapped a teacher when she was yelling at me to stop drawing swear words on my essay.

The rest of the day consisted of me sneaking glances at Carter. He would wave at me, and I would wave back. He tended to blush a lot when I reciprocated his advances. 

I wish I could go back and stop talking to him. If I would’ve known what was to come, I would’ve stopped talking to him. For his safety. And maybe then, everything would be fixed. I could’ve rekindled with Carter later in life, when I knew we were meant to cross paths. But you can’t change the past. Only live in its consequences that arise in the present.

2. What Is A Gay Person?

Carter began to occupy a large amount of my mind. It seems like whenever I was with my “friends”, all I imagined was sitting on Carter’s old carpet and playing some more board games. He told me that he had more, which only furthered my want to hang out with him. We settled that every Sunday, from now until who knows, forever?, that we would hang at his house. But it felt like once a week was too little. And I wanted to hang with Carter more. 

It was finally Sunday. During the week, I gave Carter waves and he waved back. I sat in the church pews. 

“God has given this country sins! Everywhere we look, sinners flood the street chanting their devil words!” The “preacher” said. I chose to ignore him, like always. 

“I’m telling you, these… fags keep flooding our streets. Kissing one another like it’s normal. But you and I know the path to freedom and eternal peace. Those abominations will go to hell and suffer while we rise and be one with the Lord!”

“AMEN!” The church-goers said. They all proceeded to open their books and sing about how kind God is.

I thought about what the “preacher” said. How could I know he was telling the truth? My mom always told me to trust adults because they know better. Then I saw my mom tell me we didn’t have any more pie and witnessed her and dad eating some later. So my judgment was speculating what the “preacher” said. 

How can he claim that God hates people when in the Bible, its main message is to spread love. Did he really hate gays? That was an idea that I blocked from my mind. While everyone else believed that it was wrong, I didn’t. Because I understand that God loves me (I think) and he loves gays and blacks and hispanics and Jews and everyone else who’s different. 

There was no room for hate.

Church service ended, finally, and I told mom that I was going to go walk and return home. She allowed me to and I walked out of the premises of the church and headed to Carter’s home. I felt jumpy. I wanted to run so badly and reach his home as fast as I could. But I had to walk so I wouldn’t start sweating and made a bad second impression on Carter. 

This is the first time I’ve cared about how someone sees me. I guess it’s because Carter is different from everyone else and I only want to show him the best part of me. 

I knocked on his door and it opened to reveal Carter. He quickly put on a happy face when he saw me.

“GAVIN!” He said.

“Hi Carter!” He stepped aside and let me in. I walked and sat on the couch while Carter sat next to me.

“How’s your day been?” I asked.

“Lonely. Was waiting for you to come.” He said, blushing.

“Yeah. I left early so I could have more time to hang out with you.” I said.

“Wanna play Operation?” He said.

“Totally!” I said. He hopped off the couch and ran to another room to get the game. He returned a while later, holding the box and setting it on the floor. We played for a while and I constantly kept getting shocked. Carter, however, was a master. His small and precise hands allowed him to pick up the pieces easily.

“You’re hella good at this.” I said.

“Thanks. I want to be a doctor when I grow up so I’ve had practice.” That was the first bit of personal information he’s told me.

“How come you and your family never come to church? Everyone always wonders that.” I said while picking up a wishbone piece.

“My mom is always working. She never has the time to take me.” He said, putting his hair behind his ear.

“What about your dad?”

“My dad left my mom after I was born.” He said nonchalantly. 

“Oh. My bad. I didn’t mean to be nosy.”

“It’s fine. He left her because he didn’t want the responsibility of having a child. He gave my mom $400 and left, never looking back.” He finished while I just looked at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I never met the guy. Mom always talks bad about him, but a part of me knows that she still misses him.” He said. I began to lean in closer to him, entranced by his amber brown eyes. 

I was snapped out when I was shocked by the board game.

That day with Carter was once again perfect. And to this day, I wished I could go back and be there again with him. We made plans to hang out during the week. We agreed on Wednesday we would meet at the Dizzy, a nearby LAN center which has computers we could use.

We said our goodbyes, and I felt like I left a piece of me. I walked home and was once again bombarded with questions as to my late arrival. I said I was with a friend. And when they asked if it was Ned or Patty or anyone from my group, I said no. This caused them to give each other curious glances as to who this mysterious friend was.

Wednesday rolled around and like we said on Sunday, we met at Dizzy. Carter looked more dressed up today. And when I complimented him, he blushed. I had no idea if he did this for me or just to look nice. But I like to think he dressed up just for me. 

We entered the gaming center and agreed to pay for at least three hours. We chose a computer in the far back. It’s not that I was ashamed of hanging out with Carter. But I had a reputation to uphold.

That should give you the first reason to hate me: I was ashamed of being with him.

We turned on the old Macintosh computer that was plugged and turned on. I left Carter to get us some snacks. I got a few drinks and chips that we’ll be able to splurge on. Carter insisted he pay but I knew he didn’t have much so I offered to buy everything. He agreed, but that one day he’ll owe me back.

I ended up owing my life to him.

To say I had fun would be an understatement. It was breathtaking. Every moment with Carter was breathtaking. We spent that afternoon searching up anything we could think of. Anything that was either taboo or banned in our town, we searched it up. Rock music, graffiti art, R-rated movies. Then we came across an article that caught our attention.

‘Congress passes ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy’

We were curious as to what it was so we clicked and read it. We were shocked at the idea that gay people were just now allowed to be in the military.

“What’s a gay person?” Carter asked. I was shocked. But it’s understandable. I myself didn’t really know what a gay person was. All I heard was that they were ‘creations by the devil who sinned’. But I knew better than to listen to what the church says.

“Let’s search it up.” I said. I grabbed the keyboard and typed ‘gay people’ in the search bar. What came up was a series of pictures depicting men and men kissing each other and women and women kissing each other. This was different. I was always used to men and women kissing one another. But the same gender. This was off. I didn’t understand it. How could one like someone of the same gender? Then I turned and saw Carter.

Could I also be-

“Interesting.” Carter said. He looked at the pictures and scrolled through them. Then we came across a picture of two young guys kissing each other. Carter blushed when he saw it. And I looked at it. 

And I imagined me kissing Carter like that.

“I would like to kiss someone.” Carter said. 

“You’ve never had your first kiss?” I asked.

“N-No. Not yet. I’m waiting for the right person.” He blushed.

“That’s understandable. You’ll find someone one day. I promise.” I said. He giggled when I tickled him. 

We ended our day on a happy note. We agreed to hang out again on Sunday. I wanted to bring something for Carter. He’s allowed me to hang out at his house so the least I could do is bring him something.

School the next day was me meeting up with the people, AKA the people I hang out with that aren’t my friends.

“Hey man, you’ve been distant lately. You okay?” Ned asked me. Everyone turned to me as if they themselves questioned this. I didn’t understand why they cared all of a sudden. I never really talk to them. I guess their main question is ‘Why do you look so happy?’

“No reason.” I said. 

“Alright man. If you say so.” Ned said. I was glad they dropped the subject. I didn’t need them to pester me any longer.

Carter walked by and gave me a wave. 

“Why’d he wave at you?” Lauren asked. I shrugged as if I didn’t know.

Another reason to hate me: I pretended he didn’t exist sometimes.

3. First Kiss

Sunday came again and a feeling of happiness once again washed over me. I couldn’t wait to see Carter. I had asked my mom if we could go to the morning mass which started at 8:30 am. At first she didn’t want to until I reminded her that the morning mass gives out free doughnuts and coffee and she agreed.

After morning mass ended, I went home and grabbed the items I bought for him. I got him a warm fuzzy sweater with a dinosaur cartoon on it. I also got him a box of chocolates from Sweet Tooth, a candy shop known for their Swiss chocolate. And lastly, I got him a bracelet with ‘G’ engraved on the heart. It was silver and was sparkly.

I reached Carter’s house and knocked on the door. He opened and a smile was plastered on his face.

“Gavin!” He said, lunging forward and entrapping me in a hug. I hugged him back, happy that he was also happy to see me. I entered and he already handed me a cup of cold water. I accepted it and handed him the items I got for him.

“Gavin, you shouldn’t have.” He said.

“Please Carter, you deserve this and more.” And he does. He did.

“Thank you, Gav.” He hugged me, like I was the best thing in his life. He hugged me, which sent tingles through my body.

I didn’t know then, but I would in a heartbeat give up all my money just to be able to hug him again.

“Anytime.”

He pulled out the sweater and hugged it.

“OH MY! This is beautiful.”

He then pulled out the box of chocolates.

“AWH! You shouldn’t have.” He said.

“There’s one more thing.”

He pulled out the black box and ran his fingers through the velvet box. He stared at the box, unable to comprehend the sheer amount that he held. The amount of love that I had unknowingly put into this gift. He opened the box and gasped at the content.

“G-GAVIN! HO-HOW DID YOU-? What- I-I…” He stumbled on his words and began crying.

“Are you okay? Do you not like it?” I asked, panicking at the sight of him breaking down. In the time I’ve known Carter, he’s never shown anything else beside happiness. His crying added a new layer to his character depth. He was real. The most real person I’ve known.

“Like it? I LOVE IT! THANK YOU SO MUCH!” He said. He hugged me, continuing to sob on my shoulder. He was shorter so he was on his toes, wrapping his arms around my neck. I patted his back, calming him down.

“It’s just that, no one has ever given me a gift before.” He said, making me feel guilt. I’ve always been given presents on my birthday, Christmas, family reunions, sometimes even for no reason. And I didn’t deserve them. Carter deserves all the best gifts in the world.

He was the best person I’ve known. The realest. The happiests. The cutest.

“I’ll give you everything in the world, Carter.” I said. I hugged him tightly.

“Can you help me put it on?” He said, holding the bracelet. I nodded and clipped it on his small wrist. It fit perfectly, like I knew exactly his size.

Makes you wonder huh?

We once again played board games. But Carter decided to switch it up. He brought me to his room, which was full of books. I saw his bed, which looked very unstable.

We laid on his bed, and my heart beat faster. He layed like his life was perfect. He turned on a radio and it played soft music.

“Gavin?” He said.

“Yes, Carter?” I asked.

“I haven’t had my first kiss.”

“I know. You told me last week.”

There was a moment of silence. Then he spoke.

“I want to have my first kiss.” He said. I choked on my spit and coughed.

“You should have your first kiss with someone you like and feel safe with.” I said.

“I know.”

“Who do you have in mind?” I asked. I turned my head to look at him and his face was red.

“Y-You.” He said. He looked at me and his eyes glistened with tears. I wanted to lean over and wipe them off.

“Okay. Let’s do it!” I said excitedly.

“Are you sure?” He said, while also perking up.

“Yeah! If you feel safe around me and want me to be your first kiss, I’ll allow it.” I said.

“Okay! Here we go.” He said.

We first looked at each other. His eyes grew bigger and his amber eyes were much brighter. I pushed a clump of hair behind his hair. He blushed, and I for some reason felt myself blush. We began to lean in. Carter closed his eyes, and I chuckled lightly. He puckered his lips and I did the same. We tilted our heads to encompass one another.

And then we kissed.

It lasted for 3 seconds, but it was the best three seconds of my life.

“H-How was I?” He asked.

“You were amazing.” I said, breathlessly. It was like that kiss took all my effort. Like a sudden burst of energy and emotions flooded me with all the good in the world.

“Thank you, for doing this.” He said.

“Anytime.” I didn’t want to say more, out of fear that I would say something odd. We laid there until he scooted closer to me. It caught me by surprise, but I let him. He was close and his hand brushed on mine. My fingers rubbed against his and he did the same.

It was time for me to leave, and I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay here with Carter more. He made me feel things that no one else has done before.

He made me feel special.

“You were amazing today.” I said. He blushed.

“Me? You gave me gifts. I don’t know how I’ll be able to repay you?” He said.

But he’s already given me something I’ve never had before.

“Don’t worry about it. See you soon, Car!” I said. I leaned down and kissed Carter’s cheek. He was red.

“Goodbye!” He said. And with that, I walked home, refusing to remove a smile from my face. I hummed a song I heard earlier on the radio. I might as well have been skipping at this point.

I entered my house but my parents weren’t home. I walked up to my room, still humming along. I entered my room and quickly changed. I layed in my bed until the door opened. In walked Ashley, my older sister.

“What’s up with you?” She said, sitting on the edge of my bed.

“Nothing. What are you talking about?” I asked.

“You’ve been happier lately.”

“Does my happiness concern you?”

“No! But I love gossip! Who are you meeting up with?”

“Ned. Like I told mom already.”

“Bull. Ned came by earlier and asked where you were. He’s said that you haven’t hung out with him for weeks. Who’s taking up all your time?” She asked.

“None of your business.”

“Vin…”

“No one important!”

Reason three to hate me: I couldn’t admit that Carter was important to me.

“Is it a girl?”

“Just drop it. It doesn’t pertain to you.” I said. And she nodded and walked out my room. I huffed in frustration and put my head in my pillow.

The tingles that I felt in my fingers and lip were still active. I ran my finger over my lips, and a soft embrace took over me when I remembered that Carter and I kissed.

I thought back to the LAN store, when we searched up gay. And I remembered the two boys kissing. And then I thought about me and Carter kissing. It was just like that. We were in a moment that felt outside of time.

Was Carter gay?

I tried to wrap my head around it. He’s always kind to me. He gets excited when he sees me. And he gives me happiness. I always felt better with him. Instead of the normal facade I normally had, I showed Carter the real side of me. The one that wasn’t afraid to talk against the church or crack random jokes. And then the thought came to me.

Was I gay?

4. Couch Fort

In total, I had spent a total of 25 days with Carter. And those 25 days felt the best. We never brought up the kiss again. For now, it was like a subject that we did as friends. Carter continued wearing the bracelet I gave him. At school, I would catch him looking at it with awe. Like it was a piece of treasure that would kill him if he took it off.

It was now the beginning of May. And today was Sunday. Once again, I made my family go to the morning mass so I could have more time with Carter.

I’m sure there’s a word out there for how I’m feeling.

I had only wished I knew what that was earlier.

Carter opened the door and hugged me immediately. 

“Welcome home.” He said, and the word ‘home’ sent tingles down my spine. I guess this place was like a second home. Scratch that. It was home. Carter made it home.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked.

“Sure.” He said while setting down the radio and blankets.

“Why isn’t your mom ever home? It’s Sunday. No one has work.” I said.

“She has work. It takes a lot to pay for this place. So she always works. I wanted to also work to help her but she said that I had to focus on school and do kid things since I’m still young.” He said.

“Oh. If you and your mom ever need-”

“No, Gav. We’re fine. But if I ever do need your help, you’re the first person I’ll come to.”

“Right! I’ll always help you. No matter what.” I said.

If only I kept that promise.

Carter and I set up the couch cushions and blankets to make a fort. We may be 16-year olds, but we’re allowed to have fun. The fort was small, but we made it nice. An opening led inside which had a flashlight and some books and a radio. Carter got in first, while I tried not to look at his behind.

Once inside, we sat crossed-legged and were very close to one another. The light illuminated the inside and Carter’s eyes were large, reflecting all the light. He turned around and saw me looking at him.

“You’re the best person I’ve ever met.” I said.

“You are too. I’m so grateful for meeting you.” He said. 

We looked at one another and leaned in. This time, we kissed. But it was longer. Deeper. More passionate. I slung my arm around Carter’s waist, holding him closer. Our kiss was more passionate. He groaned into the kiss. He moved himself and was now sitting on my lap, stradling me. He kissed and his hands ran through my hair.

We spent the next 10 minutes kissing. And that’s how I wanted my life to be. I wanted nothing more than to sit in this tent and kiss Carter for the rest of my life.

The rest of my life.

That’s quite a big wish. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with Carter? 

Of-fucking-course!

“I love you.” I said to Carter after we split apart. 

“I love you too!” He said.

“I swear Carter. One day, we’ll run away from this place and be together forever.” I said, sounding so sure of myself.

“I want to leave this town only with you.” He said.

We kissed again. And his lips were perfect on my lips. It was like he was made for me. I never wanted to leave this tent. Because I know that on the outside, the world would be against me and Carter. They’ll judge before they understand that Carter and I were made for each other.

And I’ll be damned if I lose him.

“It’s time for me to leave.” I said as Carter layed on my chest. 

“Can’t we just lay here for eternity?” He said. I ruffled his hair, and he got up.

He walked me to his front door. 

“Will I see you again?” He jokingly said.

“Even if you didn’t want to see me, I would never leave you.” I said. I leaned down and kissed him passionately. 

“I should go before I do something extreme.” I said. Carter blushed.

“Bye, Carter. I love you!” He said.

“I love you too!” I said. And with that, I walked home, more happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t believe in soulmates, but Carter was mine. 

The next day at school, I stole glances at Carter. Whenever I looked at him, he instinctively would look at me too. It’s like we can sense each other.

“Who’s the girl?” Fred asked.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“C’mon man! Don’t pull our legs. You’ve been happy. And it’s not from any of us. It’s gotta be a girl. Who is she?” Fred asked. I wanted to shake it off, but they would keep asking more if I said nothing.

“Her name is Carla. She has brown curly hair and huge brown eyes.” I said.

“Carla? Never heard of her. Don’t go to this school.” Patty said.

“Obviously. I don’t want her to meet you.” I said. Patty scoffed.

“Y’all done it yet?” Ned asked. 

“Nah man. We’ve just kissed. I wanna take it slow with her.”

“Oh man! You’re in love!” Ned exclaimed. I blushed and the group laughed.

Later during the day, I got up and went to the bathroom. I entered and saw Carter washing his hands. 

“Carter.” I said. I went up to him and hugged him.

“Gav!” He said. He split apart and he kissed me. I kissed him back. 

It was those small moments that absolutely made me blush. The moments that I wanted to so badly go back to and stay there. The opportunity to just go and hug Carter. Hold him close. Kiss him. Hell, I’ll marry him.

“Ashely. How does one know when they’re in love?” I asked my sister when I was home. Ashley quickly looked up from painting her nails and a huge grin was plastered on her face.

“Is my little bro in love?” She cooed.

“Shut up! I need help.” I said.

“Who is she? Is it the baker’s daughter? Or the mayor’s? Ooh scandalous.”

“Ashely. I love you and all, but I won’t hesitate to eat your birthday cake right now.” I said.

“Got it! So, what do you need help with?” She said, sitting on her bean bag chair. She watched me intensely while I rummaged through her closet.

“How do you know when you’re in love?” 

“What kind of love?” She asked.

“The one that makes you want to marry them and be with them for the rest of your life.”

“EEH!” She squealed. “Okay, first, tell me how you feel around her?” I cringed whenever she said ‘her’,

“When I kiss h-her, I feel like the whole world is gone. When I’m with her, I only want to be with her. When she holds my hand, I never want to let go.”

“Mhm. And what do you admire about her?”

“Her looks but also how optimistic she is. She always looks at the world like it’ll do no wrong. And she is always happy.”

She scribbled something down on her notes. It looked intense because she furrowed her eyebrows and was erasing aggressively.

“That bad?” I said,

“Shut up! I have a genius idea for an outfit.” She said. I rolled my eyes.

“Can we focus on the bigger issue? My love life?!” I said.

“Oh, yeah bro. No doubt you’re in love.” She said, not looking up from her notepad. I simply exhaled and exited her room.

“When can we meet her?!” She screamed.

“Never!” I said. I didn’t want Carter to meet them. My family is not the greatest. And if they found out the love of my life was a boy, I could only imagine.

5. Greatest Mistake

This was, in my opinion, the worst week of my life. 

The week where everything went downhill.

And it started with a promise.

I was once again with Carter. We were in his house, and we had an assortment of sweets surrounding us from Sweet Tooth.

“Careful, Gav. You’re gonna get a cavity.” Carter said.

“Oh please! Those aren’t real.” I said. Carter punched my shoulder lightly and laughed.

“You have some whipped cream and your- no not there.” I told Carter, who had some cream on his upper right lip. He stuck out his tongue to lick it off but wouldn’t listen to where I was directing him.

“Here, let me get it.” I said, grabbing his face and licking it right off it. 

“Eww, Gav.” He jokingly said.

“C’mon Carter. My tongue has been in other places on you before.” I said.

We quieted our laughter, just layed there thinking about everything.

“Summer is coming.” Carter said.

“Yeah.”

“What are you gonna do?” He said, propping himself up.

“What our family usually does. Go to Florida and visit everything! You?” I asked.

“The usual. Get a job and work to help my mom pay the bills.” He said. I was saddened by his words. No kid should have to slave away when they could be having fun.

“Why don’t you come with me!” I said.

“Really? Go to Florida with you and your family. Won’t they ask why you’re bringing me?” He asked.

“I’ll simply tell them you’re my boyfriend.” He gasped.

“R-Really? You’re willing to come out, for me?” He said, his eyes beginning to tear up.

“I was actually hoping I could come out beforehand.” I said, my nerves rising.

“Are you sure? That can be really scary, especially in a place like this.” He said.

“I’m absolutely sure!”

“I’ll do it with you!” He said excitedly.

“That’s amazing! And if they don’t accept us, we’ll run away and head west. I heard California is very accepting.” I said.

“That sounds… perfect!” He said, shooting his hands out and laying back gracefully.

“I’ll be right with you. Side-by-side. I’ll never leave your side.” I kissed him.

“When should we come out?” He asked me.

“Tomorrow! And if anyone hates us, they can kiss our ass!” I said, earning a giggle from Carter.

“What? Do you want me to just go up to you and kiss you?” Carter said.

“Actually, yes! That’ll be perfect!” I said.

I was adamant on coming out. I knew I needed to do it. If not for me, then for Carter. I wanted the world to know that Carter was mine, and that he was off limits. I didn’t care what people would think of me. 

“Okay Gavin. I’m gonna ask you one final time. Are you sure you want me to kiss you at school in front of everyone?” He looked deep into my eyes.

“Yes.”

“And you won’t push me away and yell at me?”

“I would never do that.”

“Then it’s settled. From here on, the two of us are now bound by the universe!” He said.

That night, I imagined different scenarios in my head of what would happen. If Carter came up and kissed me, no doubt people would be shocked. 

I imagined clapping to happen, people seeing the first same-sex couple.

I imagined people throwing rotten tomatoes at us, forcing us to get out of the school.

I imagined Carter and I hopping on the express train and taking us to Long Beach, California where we’ll get to live together.

I imagined myself proposing to Carter and getting married.

I imagined Carter taking care of our kids while I worked, having my own business.

These thoughts kept me up, and I wondered how Carter was doing right now. I wondered how he was doing. Was he nervous? Was he scared? Was he excited?

And then I wondered how my parents would react. Would they reject me, their only son? Would they accept me immediately or eventually? I didn’t want to disappoint them. But I wished that they didn’t listen to every word the church spewed at them.

I wished Carter and I were born at a different time. During a time when being like us wasn’t seen as a huge deal. But seeing the way this country has been heading, that time may not come soon.

Why couldn’t I have been with Carter during a different time.

Sleep eventually overtook me. And the thought of coming out was my main objective. I would come out, and take Carter’s hand and walk down the halls.

If only I kept my promise.

The next day, I decided to wear a white shirt. I wanted to signify that it was time for me to purify myself by accepting who I was. 

I entered the school gates, and began sweating.

“Gavin, dude, you good. You looking a little pale.” Fred said. 

“I’m fine.” I said, in reality not. The thought that in a few moments, Carter would be walking up to me and kissing me in front of everyone.

“Sup, Gavin.” Ned said. I mentally groaned because his voice just annoys me. Once I come out, I’ll leave these losers and hang out with Carter. I didn’t care if my popularity plummeted. Afterall, I was the strongest person in our school. I can easily crush anyone who dares to touch my Carter.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Carter. He wore the sweater I gave him, and along with that, the bracelet. It shined out of the sleeve of his sweater. He had the biggest smile plastered on his face.

It warmed my heart, knowing that I caused that. Knowing that I was the reason for someone smiling. 

“Yo, why is that kid walking up to us?” Lauren said. Everyone turned and looked at Carter. 

I wondered if Carter himself was going to stop and turn around and tell me later that he wasn’t ready.

Instead, he continued walking, smiling like the world wasn’t just about to end.

He came up to me close and time froze. At that time, my brain was thinking if this was a good idea. If I really wanted to do this. But the love I felt for Carter was strong. His love that he gave me gave me the courage to lean down.

Carter leaned up too.

And our lips made contact.

I heard the group and a few others gasp.

I pulled away and saw everyone’s face. They were shocked, some looked angry.

“What the hell are doing, fag!” Ned said.

“Why would you do that, freak?!” Lauren said.

“Disgusting faggots!” Patty said.

“You fags keep trying to force us to become like y’all.” Fred said.

“I bet Gavin didn’t want to kiss you. Preacher Greg was right, you all do witch magic to force us to be with like y’all!” Lauren said.

“Gavin! Are you okay?” Ned asked. I turned to him, him comforting me. Then it hit me.

They don’t think I’m gay. They think Carter kissed me without consent.

“Gav, are you-” Carter said. I turned to look at him, him having teary eyes.

“Shoo, fag!” Fred said.

“Gavin?” Carter said. I did nothing.

“Can’t you hear, freak?” Patty said.

“Gavin?” Carter said, reaching out to touch me.

And then I proceeded to say the words that will forever haunt me. The words that killed everything I loved, including Carter. The words that I to this day regret saying with every being. The words that will hold the weight of the world and stick with me until I die. The words… that killed Carter.

He reached to grab my hand.

“Get away from me, faggot!”

6. Never Love Again

trigger warning for this chapter

<3

Carter looked at me, heartbroken. I couldn’t describe it. His eyes carried pain, humiliation, and dread. But something that wasn’t in those eyes.

Love.

It was like all the love was sucked out of him. I shoved him, to make it seem like I was disgusted with him. But in reality I loved him.

He turned around and walked down the hall. That wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to be us walking down the isles, holding hands. But now, he was walking alone, with no one by his side.

As he walked down, kids threw items at him. They called him words that I could tell hurt him. 

And I did nothing. 

I simply watched as he walked down the hall. 

“Wait until Preacher Greg hears that one of the abominations is in our town.” Patty spat.

“Gavin. I’m sorry he did that to you. You alright?” Ned asked.

No, I wasn’t. I didn’t know why I did that. I had agreed for him to kiss me. I had agreed to come out. He only agreed because I was doing it. And he ended up being backstabbed.

The rest of the day, there were no signs of Carter. But everyone talked about him. How disgusting he was. Some people came up to me giving me their condolences. 

The next day, Carter showed up. I looked at him, but there was nothing on his face. He stayed silent. An occasional tear would roll down his cheek. And when he saw me, hurt was displayed on his face.

The moment the true impact of what I had done hit me was when I witnessed Carter getting milk spilled on him. It was quickly followed by him being dragged on the floor and dumped in a trashcan. The trashcan was then put in the janitor’s closet and locked.

I wanted to get up and do something, but I couldn’t. 

Fourth reason to hate me: I did nothing to end Carter’s suffering.

The same happened on Wednesday and Thursday. I even overheard some kids at one point talk about going to his house and trashing it.

And all I did was sit there.

One minute, Carter and I were sitting next to each other, kissing. The next, we don’t speak as I watch him being tortured.

Wednesday, Carter didn’t show up to the library, where we would usually meet. I wasn’t surprised. Why would he hang out with the person who lied to him? The person who promised to stay on his side. The person who always told him they loved him.

The person he trusted the most.

Friday rolled around. And I witnessed some of the worst things ever.

It started with cold water being poured on Carter. Then his locker was graffitied with slurs. Someone even put a plastic penis on the door with the words ‘Suck This!’ written on it. The inside of his locker was lit on fire. In every class, he was tripped and spat on. During passing period, some shoved him and threw him on the floor. Lunch was when people threw garbage on his table, which was empty. And at the end, it ended when he was thrown rocks. 

I witnessed his face become bruised. I wanted to run over to him and fix his wounds.

But I knew I was the cause of his wounds.

Later that day, my parents were outraged that the school still allows Carter to attend. Ashley had an argument with my dad that day. She argued that the Bible states we should love everyone the same. My father pulled the same excuse, that gays aren’t normal.

Later that night, I cried in my sleep. It was my fault he was hurting. My pain is relevant. It didn’t matter that I was crying. All I cared about was Carter.

How is he feeling? It’s obvious. He wasn’t fine.

That Sunday, Preacher Greg went on a rant. He said hurtful words about Carter. For fuck’s sake! He’s a child. A whole ass 49-year old man is talking bad about a child.

It got so bad I had to walk out of the church. I threw up on the ground. And it didn’t stop. The rest of the day, I didn’t eat. I couldn’t eat, knowing that Carter was somewhere out there, hurting.

Monday rolled around, and no sign of Carter. A few guys were upset because it took them a few hours to set up a trap that would’ve caused Carter to get stuck on the flagpole.

Third period came, the class I have Carter with. And he didn’t come in. I began to worry. During roll call, I listened to when the teacher would gag out Carter’s name. But his name never came.

I grew suspicious as to why Carter’s name didn’t show up. Was he okay?

I left school and ran to Carter’s house. I expected him to be there. But I found nothing.

His home was empty. The front door was open and I walked in. Every item in it was gone. There was nothing left. I sobbed and cried on the floor. The tears came and I pounded on the floor.

He was gone.

I walked out and saw something shiny on the floor, covered in tall grass. I reached closer and saw what it was.

Carter’s bracelet. It was left on the floor alongside it being the sweater I’d given him. I held them in my hand, clutching them tightly. 

I had no idea where Carter went. But I wish he knew that I still loved him. And that I wished everyday that I could go back and kiss him back again.

I returned home, bracelet in hand. I put it on my bed next to me and slept, sobbing silently.

A few days passed, and still no word from Carter. It was like he never existed. And I knew some people were fine with him gone. But I wasn’t.

One day, Ned came up to us while we were eating.

“Guess what?” He said.

“What?” Lauren said.

“Y’all remember my cousin Rosa? The one a few towns away from here.” He said. I vaguely remember her. Most of the time I block whatever Ned says.

“Mhm.”

“Well. She told me that a new kid transferred to her school. And you’ll never believe who it is.”

“Who?”

“The little faggot Carter.” I looked up at the mention of his name. I felt relief, knowing that Carter was still out there. I could maybe figure out where he lives and apologize to him.

“Oh snap! Did you warn her about his disease?” Fred said.

“Yup! Just told her about it. She said that she was gonna tell everyone at her school.” My heart dropped at that. I wanted Carter to have a normal life. Not one where he had to be ashamed of who he was. 

Why didn’t we run away together?

Ned at this point was making me angry. Everything he did annoyed me. Everyone annoyed me. The only person who never annoyed me was Carter.

A few days later, I was in my room when my dad called me down stairs. I went and saw my dad reading a newspaper. 

“Son. Do you remember that fag who went to your school?” Dad asked. I nodded. He threw the newspaper at me. 

It was here, when I knew, my life would never feel love again. When I would never find comfort in anyone again. Because it was taken away from me.

I read the headline of the paper and my heart dropped.

‘16-YEAR OLD KILLS HIMSELF BY HANGING’

I didn’t want to believe it. Maybe it wasn’t Carter. But then I kept reading.

‘16-year old Carter Collins committed suicide on May, 20. The kid was reportedly bullied at Winchester High and at his previous school. As of right now, no other students have been questioned.’

Tears hit my eyes. I ran up to my room, newspaper in hand, and cried. I knocked over everything in my room, causing a mess.

“Gavin! Are you okay?” Ashley came in, seeing me on the floor crying.

“I-I lo-loved him.” I cried out.

“Who?”

“Carter!” I said. I sobbed more and Ashley came and held me in her arms. I cried the rest of the day. I couldn’t comprehend that Carter, my beloved Carter who was the only person I loved, was gone. And I would never get to see him. Kiss him. Hug him. Touch him.

Final reason to hate me: I killed Carter.

I didn’t go to school for a week. I stayed in, clutching the bracelet close to me. This was the only thing I had left from him. The only way to remember him. I didn’t even have a picture of him to remember him by. The only thing I have is this bracelet and my memories. Either than that, it was like he never existed.

When I returned, I was questioned as to why I was gone. Ned tried to tell me about Carter, but before he could finish, I punched him. I proceeded to beat the living crap out of him. Then I did the same to Fred. And Patty. And Lauren. The remaining school year consisted of me punching and beating up any person who spoke about Carter. 

I missed him.

I would occasionally look at the bracelet and sob.

After I graduated college, I moved out. I couldn’t stand being in that town. I remained angry. I tried to take my own life, but I couldn’t do it. Carter would appear in my dreams, telling me to continue going. And to tell my story. 

I should’ve died. Not him. He had so much to give the world. But his innocence was taken.

This was the moment when I stopped believing in love. How can I believe in something that I took advantage of?

How could I do that?

How could I betray Carter? My love.

Epilogue

I looked over the horizon, the sun already set. The stars twinkled above me.

Carter had stars in his eyes before they died out.

Sobs ran down my face and I stumbled inside. I stopped right in front of a brick wall. I proceeded to bash my head on it.

“STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? HE LOVED YOU! I LOVED HIM! WHY?” I said repeatedly, smashing my head into the wall. I didn’t care that I was bleeding. I deserved this. I deserve to feel every type of pain. And even then, it won’t amount to the pain I caused him. My forehead was covered in blood at this point. I grabbed the whiskey bottle and smashed it over my head.

I walked into a closet and leaned down. I cried my eyes out. I locked the door to make sure I couldn’t get out and harm myself.

Why did I betray him? Why did I leave him? Why didn’t I stick up for him? If I did anything, maybe he would’ve still been here, with me. We could’ve gotten married, now that it’s allowed.

I didn’t deserve everything Carter gave me. I didn’t deserve his love. He was too kind, too innocent, too caring for the world.

A few years later after I graduated university, I found out about my ex-friends and how they ended up.

Patty became a successful model. But then she got addicted to heroin and her career fell down. Now she lives in the streets, begging for money.

Fred worked in a factory. One day, during an accident, he fell off a ladder and landed on his back. He became paralyzed and lives in a home.

Lauren began dating and hooked up with a drug dealer. She got involved in everything and one day she was killed by another drug dealer.

Ned became an alcoholic. He one day tried contacting me, saying he needed to get something off his chest. But I never responded. I found out later that he had an addiction problem. All the guilt he had caused him to kill himself. I heard from old acquaintances who went to his funeral that Ned had apologized to Carter and everything he did to him.

And that leaves me. I guess you can say that me being on this planet is my torture. I have to live everyday knowing that I was the cause of Carter’s death. That a simple action did all this. I would rather be broke and be with Carter than being rich and alone.

I missed Carter with my being.

I felt like no matter what I accomplish in life, it’ll never be enough to forgive my sins. I took advantage of him.

Because that’s what I did to Carter. Betrayed him. He trusted me.

“HE LOVED YOU! HE LOVED YOU!” I screamed repeatedly at myself. I punched my face. I cuddled myself as I sobbed.

I’m forever lonely.

I walked out the closet, making sure I kept my anger in. But how could I? What I did is unexcusable. What I did will haunt me until the very day I die.

I walked out to the pool. I jumped in with all my clothes still on. My vision in the water was clouded by blood that was still oozing from my head and hands. I let myself sink deeper in the water while I wanted nothing more than to disappear forever. Slowly, I sank until my limp body hit the bottom of the pool.

I promised to be by his side. I promised to love him. I promised that he could trust me. I promised to do everything for him. And in the end, he got nothing. And he got suffering. The idea that in Carter’s final moments, he felt his worst. Not only was he terroized by who he was, but the fact that he lost me must’ve been the final blow. A phonecall was all I needed to do to tell Carter that I was sorry. But no matter how badly I wanted to apologize, he was dead.

And his mother. His poor mother who had the love of her life walk out on her. And then having to deal with the loss of her only child.

I didn’t attend Carter’s funeral. I just couldn’t. It would’ve been too painful. I would’ve sobbed to the point that people would wonder why I was hysterical. If I saw his coffin, I would’ve climbed in and been buried with him. Then I could’ve been with him forever.

I wonder if Carter thought about me before he died. Did he think about our relationship? The kisses we shared? The laughter we shared? Or did he only remember the moment I looked him in the eyes and said those words?

I would carve those words into my arm, so I never forget what I did.

I don’t deserve the pity of others. What I deserve is to be skinned alive. To be burned. To be thrown rocks at.

But one thing I didn’t deserve, was Carter.

The main question is: Do I continue living, knowing that an innocent and bright soul is not here thanks to me?

No, I shouldn’t. Carter deserves to live instead of me. Was it really that hard to kiss him back?

I popped out of the pool, gasping for air. I climbed out and looked back at the pool. A huge spot was red, covered in my blood.

I stumbled, continuing to cry. I entered my house and made my way to the bar. Baseball bat in hand, I smashed every bottle. Some pieces of glass cut into my arm. After I was done, I walked and proceeded to destroy every painting in my home. Every vase was smashed and fabric was shred.

I sat in the middle of the foyer, crouched on the floor crying.

Carter.

My sweet Carter.

I knew you for only two months. But you showed me love that to this day has never again occured.

I betrayed you, but I loved you.

And I hope that somehwere out there, is you watching down upon me.

I feel your presence when I dream. When I walk. When I work.

I keep telling myself that maybe this is all a dream and you’re actually still alive.

But every ounce of pain I feel remembering that you’re gone reminds me that nope, it’s not a dream.

You’re very much dead, and with that, gone.

But just know, Carter, that you aren’t gone from my heart.

I’m so sorry, Carter, for doing that. If I could go back, I would. I run down that hall and grab you by the wrist and kiss you. Then we could’ve ran away. Far away.

I love you, Carter.

I hopped in my car, not caring that the house was left unlocked. I drove, despite being under the influence. I drove until I reached a bridge that overlooked the Los Angeles sea. The place that I come to sometimes and imagine Carter next to me.

The place I dreamed of kissing and soon proposing to Carter.

I pulled my car to the side of the road and looked over the ocean, which was dark. I saw some boats with their lights turned on as they fished. I saw cars driving by on their way from work. I saw dolphins jump up from the ocean. I saw birds fly over me. The stars and moon shined brights above me.

They don’t know that the love of my life is dead and I’ll never get to say sorry to him.

Taking a stand next to the edge, I looked down and held onto the metal pole next to me.

I truly am sorry.

When I die, please, do not bother with a funeral. Throw my body into the ocean. Treat me like garbage. Because that’s how I treated Carter in his final moments. Give all my fortunes to Ms. Collins, Carter’s mother, if she’s still alive. Burn my houses to the ground. My business will be liquidated. I want all traces of me gone.

But at the same time, if I die, the memory of Carter will also be gone.

But also, if I die, I’ll get to be with Carter in the afterlife.

I looked down below me to the roaring ocean. A breeze blew through me which blew my hair backwards. The smell of the salty air entered me, and I felt the presence of Carter. He was here. He was somewhere watching me.

“Soon, Carter.”

I miss him.

If you’re somehow reading this, I have no idea what I will do from here on. I want to jump and plunge into ocean. I want to turn around and drive home. But there is no home without Carter.

My fate will forever be sealed in where ever you read this on.

But I want you to remember that Carter, was my love. And he still is.

Live every day with those you love. Remember that repect from the ones you love with always overpower the respect of bystanders. And if you truly love someone, never be afraid to show it. For one day, you will have the freedom you desire to let you escape from the boundaries of society. You’ll get to live, but it’s not living if you have no one to live with. You will remember your happy memories differently than how you experienced them.

Because I love Carter. Will all my heart. He’s still in my heart everyday. Every thought and smile and word expressed has hints of Carter.

Because he made me who I am. And the love and admiration I have for Carter, It’s Still There .

THE END

Afterword

So this story is done. If you happen to be reading this, thank you so much for sticking around. The emtional rollercoaster I went through with writing this story is unexplainable. I wrote this whole story in the span of four days. This idea popped into my head and I just began writing.

The fate of Gavin is completely left up to you guys.

Does he kill himself?

Does he go home and continue to suffer?

Does he have a mental breakdown and give up?

It’s all up to you. You decide!

I decided not to add any Carter POVs. The reason is simple. Carter’s version is gone. The moment Carter stopped living was when everything he experienced was lost. It’s somewhere out there in the universe. You won’t get to read his smiles, his happiness, his thoughts, his anger, and his sadness.

Only Gavin is alive. Meaning you will only get to read Gavin’s POV.

That’s all for this story!

Anyways…

bye! i love you all!