Kabanata 00

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 00

“I don’t know how to love… I think I forgot how to do it,” he said. I stared at him and I could see the loneliness in his eyes.

“We’re just the same,” I replied. “I don’t know how to love again…”

But maybe we could teach each other how to love. And maybe just this once, it will last.

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Kabanata 1

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 1 

Sabi nila, love is blind. Sabi naman ng iba, love sees yet accepts all flaws. Sobrang contradicting ng definition nila ng love. Pero para sa akin, ang love? It’s something that we can never fully define. Tayo kasi ang nagbibigay ng definition ng love. Iba-iba rin naman kasi tayo ng paraan ng pagpapakita ng love. May iba na selfish magmahal. May iba na hindi masyadong pinapakita ang pagmamahal. Tapos… may iba na binibigay lahat. Wala ng tinitira sa sarili.

“Kapag ikaw iniwan ni Tristan… hindi ko alam kung saan ka pupulutin.”

Napa-tingin ako kay Jenna. “Ang nega mo talaga,” I said as I continued to scrub the floor. Mabuti na lang at airconditioned itong bahay na nililinis namin kaya hindi ako pinapawisan. Sobrang init pa naman ngayon. Baka tuluyan na akong ma-heatstroke.

“Kasi naman, beh… Bilib din ako sa ’yo! Hindi naman kayo kasal ni Tristan. Boyfriend mo pa lang—”

“Fiancé,” I corrected her and then showed her the ring that Tristan gave me. Hindi man malaki ang bato, at least sure ako na papakasalan niya ako. Assurance lang naman ang gusto ko. Supportive naman ako sa lahat ng ginagawa niya, e. Hindi rin ako clingy. Gusto ko lang, sigurado ako na kami pa rin sa huli.

She sighed. “Fine. Fiancé. Pero, beh… Hindi ba sobra na iyong ginive-up mo iyong law school mo para pag-aralin iyong si Tristan? Feeling ko katangahan na talaga ’yan.”

Napa-buntong-hininga na lang din ako. Bakit ba hindi ako maintindihan ng mga tao sa paligid ko? Lahat sila, tingin sa akin ay tanga dahil pinili ko na huminto muna sa pag-aaral para tulungan si Tristan. His dream is also my dream. Kung maging doctor man siya, para na rin akong naging successful. Ganoon naman kasi sa love, ’di ba? Ang success ng isa ay success niyong dalawa.

“Mag-aaral naman ulit ako kapag tapos na si Tristan,” I told her and then focused on scrubbing the floor. Hindi rin kasi sapat iyong trabaho ko bilang paralegal sa law firm, e. Sobrang daming binabayaran sa med-school. Kailangan kong pasukin lahat ng sidelines para mabayaran lahat.

“Kailan pa? At saka sure ka ba na tutulungan ka ni Tristan kapag doctor na ’yun?”

Tinignan ko si Jenna. “Alam mo? Sobrang nega mo. Kilala mo naman si Tristan, ’di ba? Mabait ’yun. At saka nag-aaral nang mabuti iyon para mapadali ang paggraduate niya,” I told her. Halos hindi ko na nga nakikita sa bahay si Tristan, e. Palaging busy sa pag-aaral. Okay lang naman sa akin as long as sure ako na safe siya.

“Nagiging realistic at practical lang naman ako, beh. Sobrang bait at martyr mo rin kasi kaya ayoko lang na maloko ka, if ever.”

I smiled. “Thank you sa concern, pero okay lang naman talaga sa akin. Masaya ako na tinutulungan si Tristan sa pangarap niya.”

Nang matapos kami sa paglilinis ng bahay, mabilis akong nagpaalam. Kilala ko naman na si Jenna kaya sigurado ako na ibibigay niya sa akin iyong bayad. May isa pa kasi akong trabaho… kailangan kong matapos agad dahil may gagawin pa ako para sa mamayang gabi.

---

“Napaka-sipag mo talagang bata,” sabi ni Manang Fe. Dalawang taon na rin akong naglilinis sa bahay niya. Patay na kasi ang asawa niya tapos ang mga anak niya naman, nasa abroad lahat. Minsan nga gusto niya lang na pinupuntahan ko siya para may nakakausap siya, e. Ayos lang din naman sa akin dahil wala na akong pamilya. Para ko na rin siyang nanay, e.

“Salamat po,” I said, smiling.

“Ay, teka nga. Anniversary niyo nung nobyo mo, ’di ba?” she asked and I nodded. Sobrang excited na ako para sa mamaya! “Oh, ito, pa-sobra. Mag-enjoy ka mamaya sa date niyo.”

“Thank you po, Manang!” sabi ko at nayakap ko siya sa sobrang tuwa. May pandagdag na ako sa kakainin namin ni Tristan mamayang gabi! Palapit na naman kasi ang exams niya kaya kailangan na namang magbayad sa tuition. Ayokong gastusin iyong pera na naipon ko pero ayoko rin naman na wala kaming gagawin sa anniversary namin. 8th anniversary na namin, e. Gusto ko special.

“Siya, sige at lumakad ka na,”

I grinned. “Thank you, Manang! Bayaan mo at kapag doctor na si Tristan, libre ang check-up niyo!”

Natawa naman siya. “Sana nga, hija. Sige na at marami ka pang gagawin.”

I profusely thanked her before going. Agad ako na dumiretso sa palengke para mamili. Pagkatapos ko roon, bumalik na ako sa apartment para magluto. Mga paborito lang naman ni Tristan ang niluto ko. Sigurado kasi ako na pagod iyon sa pag-aaral. Gusto ko na ngayon, relax muna siya. Baka kasi magkasakit na ’yun sa pag-aaral, e.

Nang matapos na ako sa pagluluto, itinabi ko muna iyong mga pagkain para iinitin ko na lang mamaya. Nagligpit na ako ng mga ginamit ko. Nung tapos na ako, nagpahinga lang ako sandali bago pumasok sa CR para maligo.

From: Tristan

Babe, san ka?

To: Tristan

Nasa work pa, babe.

I giggled at the thought of surprising him. Ang tagal na rin kasi namin ni Trist. 8 years. High school pa lang kami pero kami na… ni hindi ko nga inakala na aabot kami ng ganito katagal. But we did. And soon, magiging kasal na kami. I couldn’t wait for the surprises the future holds for us.

May usapan kami ni Tristan na 8pm siya uuwi dito at sabay kami na lalabas para magdinner. Little did he know, I was going to surprise him. Kaya naman nagulat ako nung marinig ko na binubuksan iyong lock ng pinto. Sa sobrang taranta ko, nagtago ako. Hindi pa kasi ako prepared!

“Oh, my god, Tristan…”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang may marinig akong boses ng babae.

“Are you sure your girlfriend’s not here?”

Sumikip ang dibdib ko.

“Yeah… Nasa trabaho pa raw siya.”

’No, hindi si Tristan ‘to…’ sabi ng isip ko sa akin. Hindi magagawa sa akin ni Tristan ’to. Hindi niya ako pagtataksilan ng ganito… Hindi niya ako sasaktan nang ganito…

Pero napa-takip ako sa bibig ko dahil sa nakita ko. There was Tristan, kissing somebody else. He was kissing a girl who’s not me. His hands were all over her. His mouth was all over her. Pakiramdam ko ay sinaksak ako nang ilang beses dahil sa nakita ko.

“God, Tristan, you’re so hot…”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ginagawa ko ito sa sarili ko. Bakit ko pinapanood ang mahal ko na may minamahal na iba.

“No, I don’t want to do it on your bed, Tristan. You’re doing your girlfriend there,” sabi nung babae habang ang bibig ng boyfriend ko ay nasa dibdib niya.

“We’re not doing it anymore, Janina. She’s always busy.” Busy na kumita ng pera para sa tuition mo. Busy na magpakaalila sa ibang tao para lang makabayad… para makakuha ka ng exams mo… para hindi ka magmukhang kawawa sa eskwelahan.

Ang sikip ng dibdib ko. Parang hindi ako makahinga.

“But she’s your girl for 8 years, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re throwing it away.”

“Can we please not talk about her?”

“Alright. You have a date later, ’di ba? Let’s do it quickly na lang.”

At may tunog ng napunit na damit… hindi ko nga lang sigurado kung damit ba iyon o ang puso ko.

Panay ang patak ng luha ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung sakit ba o galit. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nanatili na nanonood doon habang binababoy nila ang sarili kong apartment… Habang binababoy nila ang kama na ako mismo ang bumili.

Gusto kong magalit.

Gusto ko silang saktan.

Pero hindi ko magawa. May kulang ba ako? Ano bang kulang ko kay Tristan para gawin niya sa akin ’to? Binigay ko sa kanya lahat, e. Sinakripisyo ko lahat… Tinigil ko iyong sarili kong buhay para lang matupad iyong pangarap niya. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ’yung kulang… Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ’yung dapat kong ibigay para makuntento siya.

Ang sikip-sikip na ng dibdib ko. Para akong mamamatay sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

I listened to them moan each other’s name. I listened to them slowly kill me from the inside.

Nang matapos na sila, hindi ko alam kung may pakiramdam pa ba ako… O baka naman manhid na? Hindi ko sigurado. Hindi ko na alam.

“So… call me?”

Tristan nodded, pulling up his boxers. “Shit. Parating na si Gen,” natataranta na sabi ni Tristan bago pinulot iyong bra nung babae at inabot sa kanya. “Bilisan mo, Jan. Paparating na ’yung girlfriend ko.”

I wanted to correct him. I was his fiancee. Pero bakit pa?

“You’re such a cliché, Tristan. You just thoroughly fucked me tapos you’ll tell me that your girlfriend’s coming?”

“Keep your opinion to yourself, Janina. Parating na si Gen. Bilisan mo na at baka maabutan ka pa nun.”

The girl was already wearing her shirt. “So? If she saw us, let’s just tell her that we’re studying anatomy. Ano bang malay niya sa ginagawa mo tuwing nasa med school ka… right?” she said and then playfully put her fingers on Tristan’s chest. “All those all nighters, huh? I bet she didn’t know what it is you’re really studying, you unfaithful jerk.”

Pasikip na nang pasikip ang dibdib ko.

“Right. Tapos ka na ba?” tanong ni Tristan at saka pinulot ang bag nung babae at inabot sa kanya. Dinala ni Tristan iyong babae sa pinto at pinalabas… but not before torridly kissing each other.

I didn’t want to take my eyes off of them. Gusto kong makita. Gusto kong makita na sinasaktan ako ni Tristan. Ayaw pa rin kasing maniwala ng puso ko na kaya akong saktan ni Tristan… pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari sa amin… na dito rin pala kami mauuwi.

“Bye, Trist. Call me when you’re horny, okay?”

---

Babe, san ka na?

Babe, I’m worried. Text me, please.

Babe… nag-aalala na talaga ako. Tell me you’re okay.

Nakaka-bilib pala talaga kung gaano kagaling magsinungaling ang isang tao. Na akala mo okay ang lahat. Na akala mo okay kayo. Na akala mo ikaw lang sa buhay nila…

Pero puro kasinungalingan lang pala ang lahat.

I didn’t even bother to reply. I quickly deleted all his texts. I didn’t know what to feel… Gusto kong magalit pero mas lamang sa akin iyong nasaktan. I was hurt. I was pained. Ano ang nagawa ko sa kanya para ganituhin niya ako?

I made him the center of my world. I gave everything up for him. Hindi pa rin sapat. Naghanap pa rin ng iba.

Sobrang pangit ko ba?

Ano pa ba iyong kulang?

Bakit hindi niya na lang sinabi sa akin? Gagawan ko ng paraan. Para sa kanya.

“Paano kung katapusan na namin ’to?” I said to the wind. “Paano ako magmu-move on?”

I needed to know how. I didn’t want this feeling in my chest anymore. I felt like dying. It hurt so much.

“If there’s an answer to it, then life would be a tad easier.”

Nagulat ako nung biglang may nagsalita sa likod ko. Agad akong napa-lingon at may nakita akong lalaki.

“Kanina ka pa?” I asked him. He nodded.

“You were busy crying kaya hindi mo ako nakita,” he pointed out. Nandun nga lang siya sa gilid nakaupo. I must be crying so hard para hindi ko siya mapansin.

“Ah… sorry… Maingay ba ako?” I asked instead, wiping my tears away. Sigurado naman ako na hindi niya nakikita dahil masyadong madilim dito sa taas. I thought I could think in peace, hindi pala.

“Not really,” he answered.

Sabay kaming naka-sandal sa railings. He was smoking while I was looking at the buildings and the twinkling lights. Paano kaya kung tumalon ako rito? Mawawala ba iyong sakit? Matatapos na ba ’tong pag-iyak ko?

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it,” biglang sabi niya.

“Ha?”

“You’re thinking about jumping.”

“Paano mo nalaman?”

“It’s written all over your face,” he pointed out. “You’re obvious.”

I painfully smiled. “Hindi naman ako tatalon… Iniisip ko lang… What if tumalon ako? Mawawala na kaya iyong mga nararamdaman ko?”

“Yes,” he answered. “Death will be the end… for you. But what will happen to the people you will leave behind? You’re not getting rid of the pain. You’re just passing your pain to someone else. It’s selfish.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko dahil sa mga sinasabi niya.

“You don’t even know me,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“I don’t need to know you to know that suicide is never the answer.”

“Hindi ka pa siguro nasasaktan,” I told him. Kasi iyong nararamdaman ko ngayon, sobrang sakit.

Itinaktak niya iyong upos ng sigarilyo at saka tumingin sa langit. “Pain? I have lots of that.”

“Then you’ve never thought of suicide? Of relieving the pain? Kahit minsan?” I asked him. “You’ve never been tempted to end the pain?”

I didn’t know what it was with him that made it easy to spill my darkest thoughts… I had never even talked with Tristan about this. I was afraid he would judge me kapag nalaman niya iyong tungkol sa mga dumadaan sa isip ko. I had thought about it… maybe twice. But I never did it. I never attempted it. I was just curious… ano ba ang mangyayari kapag ginawa ko? Matatapos ba lahat? Mababawasan ba iyong sakit? It crossed my mind when I was at my weakest. Kapag pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong pag-asa.

“I have,” he said. “Tried it, actually.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Who was this stranger?

“Lost my mom to cancer. Lost my first love because of a saint. My dad’s hiding because he’s hurting too bad,” he said as if those words didn’t mean anything. “I tried to crash my car before, but my best friend said that if I wanted to really kill myself, I should try a different method.”

Mas lalong nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Bakit sasabihin iyon ng best friend niya sa kanya?

“My Uncle killed himself before in Switzerland. I looked up the site but didn’t proceed… It would be unoriginal if I follow his footsteps,” sabi niya tapos biglang natawa pa siya. How could he even laugh? We were talking about him trying to kill himself! “I just wanted the easiest way out.”

My eyes were focused on him. And for a moment, every sense I had were all attuned to him. Listening to every word that came out of his mouth.

“Booked a flight to Cebu because I didn’t want anyone close to me to discover my corpse when I died. I didn’t want to give them nightmares…”

Heart was beating faster as he continued.

“Brought with me my mom’s pills. I just wanted to overdose. To sleep and never wake up.”

God, I wanted to hug him kahit hindi ko siya kilala. My pain felt small compared to his… Nasasaktan ako pero hindi ko naisip na gawin ang mga ginawa niya. He must’ve been in so much pain para gawin niya ang mga ito…

“I took as many pills as I could and prepared to sleep… but fate’s not on my side. Even before I could die in peace, the hotel staff came in for cleaning and found me. Long story short, I was brought to the hospital and received slaps and punches. My Dad came home and punched me. Then he cried and told me he can’t lose me, too…”

Tahimik lang ako. I didn’t know how to respond. Pinanood ko na lang siya habang nilalagay niya iyong sigarilyo sa bibig niya.

“Did you get the moral of the story?” he asked me.

“To lock the door before you commit suicide?”

Napa-ngiti siya sa akin. Cute pala siya kapag naka-ngiti. “Yes, that, too,” he said. “But the moral is, there are people around you. They’re willing to help… only if you’re willing to help yourself.”

Napa-buntong hininga ako. “I’m willing to help myself. But it’s hard, you know? Madaling sabihin pero ang hirap gawin.” Ang hirap iwanan ng mga bagay na nakasanayan mo na… Na buong buhay mo, akala mo iyon na. I held on to the railings and rested my head against the cold metal. “Sinubukan ko namang ibigay lahat… Ginawa ko lahat… Pero hindi pa rin sapat. Kulang pa rin. Naghanap pa rin ng iba.”

He shrugged. “That’s life. You don’t always get what you want,” he answered.

“Ganoon lang?”

He nodded. “Yeah… I still have people who’ll get pissed if I die. So, I’m just trying to get through each day.” He pressed his back against the railing and looked up. “One day at a time.”

I smiled and looked up. “Yeah… one day at a time.”

Tonight, I just wanted to be hurt. I just wanted to question everything… kung saan ako nagkulang… kung saan ako nagkamali. Bukas… bukas ko na iisipin kung ano ang mangyayari.

“A bad day ends in 24 hours. You can always start tomorrow,” he said and then started walking away. Napa-ngiti ako. What a weird interaction with a stranger who shared the same pain as mine.

Kabanata 2

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 2 

My mind was in a haywire. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. The only place I knew as home was with Tristan… He’s all I got. When my parents died, Tristan promised me that he’d always be with me… That he was my family. Sobrang tanga ko ba kung naniwala ako sa lahat ng pangako na binitawan niya? That I believed that for him, I was his destination… pero mali pala ako. Isa lang pala ako sa mga stop-over niya.

Pakiramdam ko ay nawalan ako ng buong buhay dahil sa nalaman ko.

The sun already rose. Umaga na. Oras na para harapin ko si Tristan… and I didn’t know how to do it. Paano ko sasabihin na nakita ko na may kasama siyang iba? Paano ko sasabihin na dinurog niya iyong puso ko sa pinaka-masakit na paraan?

He’s the center of my life. He’s the equilibrium. He’s my everything… and now, I got nothing.

Nang makarating ako sa apartment, akala ko ay maaabutan ko si Tristan. May pasok siya ngayon… pero akala ko ay nandito siya sa apartment para hintayin ang pagdating ko. Hindi kasi ako umuwi kagabi… akala ko mag-aalala siya para sa akin. Kung buhay pa ba ako. Kung may nangyari ba sa akin na masama. But I was wrong. Ni anino niya, hindi ko nakita.

Ako na lang ba ’yung nagmamahal sa aming dalawa? When did he fall out of love? Kailan niya naisip na hindi niya na ako mahal? Kailan niya naisip na hindi na ako iyong nagpapasaya sa kanya? Kailan niya naisip na hindi na ako sapat para sa kanya?

Paano… paano mo ba malalaman na hindi mo na mahal iyong isang tao?

Bigla akong napahawak sa dibdib ko. God, Gen. Hindi pa ba nauubos ang luha ko? Ilang beses ba ako iiyak bago ko matanggap na niloloko ako ni Tristan? Na may iba na siyang babae?

Na hindi niya na ako mahal?

Humiga ako at pinikit ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko napansin na naka-tulog na pala ako sa sobrang pagod. Nagising ako nang may marinig akong tumatawag sa pangalan ko at tumatapik sa akin.

“Gen…” malambing na sabi nung boses. God, even the sound of his voice was making my heart hurt so bad. Makaka-ahon pa ba ako rito? Makakaya ko bang kalimutan iyong mga nakita ko kung kahit tunog lang ng boses niya ay sapat para durugin ako?

“Babe… okay ka lang ba?” he asked, caressing my arm. “You had me worried last night. Sana nagtext ka para hindi ako nag-alala.”

My chest was tightening. My hands were shaking. I was mad… frustrated… but above all, hurt. Paano niya nagawa na itapon iyong walong taon na pinagsamahan namin para lang sa ano? Init ng katawan niya? Ganoon lang ba kawalang kwenta lahat ng taon na pinagsamahan namin?

“Saan ka natulog?” he asked, still caressing my arm. I wanted to peel his hand off of me. Nandidiri ako sa bawat hawak niya. Naaalala ko lahat ng ginawa niya.

“Sa tabi-tabi,” I shortly replied. I opened my eyes and sat down. I scooped far from him. Kumunot ang noo niya.

“Gen…” sabi niya, naka-tingin sa akin. “May problema ba?”

I wanted to nod. I wanted to tell him that he hurt me so bad that I was afraid to trust him again. Na lahat ng bagay na pinaniniwalaan ko sa buhay ay bigla kong pinagdudahan. If he… the one person I loved the most was able to betray me in the way that hurt me worst, paano pa ang ibang tao?

“Babe…” he urged. Agad akong tumawa. I couldn’t be near him. His presence was suffocating me. He’s too much.

Nang matapos akong maligo, naabutan ko si Tristan na nasa lamesa. May pagkain na nakahain. Tahimik akong pumunta sa kama at naupo habang tinutuyo ang buhok ko.

“Gen, kain na tayo.”

“Sige, mauna ka na. Busog pa ako.”

He sighed at saka lumapit sa akin. “Seriously, Gen, ano bang problema? Bigla kang nawala kagabi. We had a plan and you ditched me! I was worried half to death last night tapos ngayon, ayaw mo pa akong kausapin? What the hell is your problem?!”

Wala akong pakielam kung sumigaw siya. I just… wanted to distance myself from him.

“Sumagot ka naman!” he shouted. I remained silent. I didn’t think talking about my problem would do us any good. Kasi sira na. Kasi wala ng pag-asa na mabuo pa. Kasi dinurog niya na ako.

“Inaantok na ako,” I said.

“Kakagising mo lang,” he said, catching my obvious lie.

“Inaantok pa ako,” I lied desperately. Tinignan niya ako. Alam ko na hindi ako matatahimik hanggang hindi ko siya binibigyan ng sagot na maniniwala siya. “Pagod lang ako, okay?” He still wasn’t buying my lie. “Marami akong trabaho. Kailangan ko ng pera kasi ’di ba malapit na ’yung exam mo?”

Mas lalong sumikip ang dibdib ko. Hindi niya na talaga ako mahal… hindi niya lang ako iniiwan dahil may kailangan siya sa akin. Iyon na lang ba talaga ang silbi ko sa kanya? Na tulungan siyang maabot ang pangarap niya habang unti-unti niyang sinisira ang pagkatao ko?

Until the pain eats me up inside. Until all that was left was the image of who I used to be… bago niya ako sinaktan.

Tristan sighed and sat beside me. Gusto kong kuhanin ang kamay kong hinawakan niya. “I’m sorry. Hindi lang kasi ako sanay na tahimik ka,” he said and then kissed my knuckle. “Date tayo?”

Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti. Ganito lang ba kadaling magsinungaling? Na magpanggap na maayos ang lahat kahit na sa totoo lang, sirang-sira na kaming dalawa?

“Tristan… mahal mo pa ba ako?”

Nakita ko iyong gulat sa mukha niya. Ibang-iba mula sa reaksyon niya dati kapag tinatanong ko siya kung mahal niya ba ako. Saan ba kami nagsimula? Saan nagsimula na mawala na ’yung nararamdaman niya para sa akin? Kailan nagsimula na ako na lang ’yung nagmamahal sa aming dalawa? Gusto kong malaman. Gusto kong malaman para makita ko kung saan ako nagkamali. Kasi ang alam ko, minahal ko lang naman siya…

“Of course,” he said, clenching my hand. “Saan ba nanggagaling ’yang tanong mo?”

I forced a smile. “Paano mo nasabi na mahal mo pa rin ako?”

“Because… 8 years na tayo, Gen. Ngayon pa ba tayo titigil?”

“Kung hindi na mahal, bakit ipipilit, Tristan?”

Tinignan niya ako. Mas humigpit ang hawak sa kamay ko.

“Gen… you’re scaring me. May nangyari ba?”

Tinignan ko siya. Unti-unting bumagsak ang luha sa mga mata ko. And slowly, I nodded. Hindi ko alam kung ilang segundo akong tahimik na umiyak sa harapan niya. Pinakita ko kung gaano niya ako sinaktan. Kung gaano niya ako sinira dahil sa ginawa niya.

Na kahit siya ’yung nagtaksil, bakit pakiramdam ko ako pa rin ang may kasalanan? Na kung hindi ako nagkulang, masaya pa rin kaming dalawa?

“Tristan… bakit? Bakit mo ako niloko? Kulang pa ba ako?” I asked him, tears streaming down my face. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi na ako makahinga. Pero dapat kong tanungin para sa ikatatahimik ng pagkatao ko.

“Minahal naman kita, ’di ba? Binigay ko naman sa ’yo lahat. Hininto ko ’yung pag-aaral ko kasi hindi natin kaya na sabay… Ginawa ko lahat, e. Binigay ko lahat. Pero bakit kulang pa rin? Bakit sinaktan mo pa rin ako?”

Hindi ko na alam kung naiintindihan pa ba niya ako. Hindi na ako makapagsalita nang maayos. Ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Ang sama-sama ng loob ko.

Nanatili siyang hindi nagsasalita. Pinilit kong ngumiti kahit ang sakit-sakit na.

“Saan, Tristan? Saan ako nagkamali? Kasi hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit mo ’to ginawa sa akin.”

Tinignan ko siya. Hinintay ko hanggang mayroon siyang maibigay na sagot sa akin. Gusto kong malaman. Kahit masakit, gusto kong malaman. Kasi hindi ako matatahimik hanggang hindi ko alam… Na kahit palagay mo ay ginawa mo ang lahat, mali pa rin… kulang pa rin.

“I’m sorry.”

Dalawang salita.

Hindi naalis iyong sakit na nararamdaman ko.

I forced a smile and looked at him. “Hanggang dito na lang tayo.”

Agad siyang umiling. “No, Gen. I’m sorry. It was my fault. Kasalanan ko. Please, ’wag mo akong iwanan,” sabi niya at mahigpit na hinawakan ang kamay ko.

“Tristan, niloko mo ako. Why do you expect that I’ll stay? Wala ka na bang respeto sa akin? Kahit hindi na babae kasi ginago mo na ako, e. Kahit tao na lang, Tristan. Bigyan mo naman ako ng dignidad. Kahit konti lang.”

Pinilit kong tumayo pero hinawakan niya ako.

“Gen, please, ’wag namang ganito…”

“Sana naisip mo ’yan bago mo dinala dito ’yung babae mo! My God, Tristan! Dito pa sa apartment natin! Hindi mo na ba talaga matiis ’yang kati mo?!” Pilit kong inalis ang hawak niya sa akin pero hindi niya ako binibitawan. Panay ang tulo ng luha ko habang tinatanggal ko ang hawak niya.

“Tristan, bahay natin ’to, e! Dito tayo nakatira! Dito natutulog! Tapos dito mo pa dinala ’yang babae mo?! Wala ka na talagang respeto sa akin!”

“Gen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Magalit ka na sa akin pero ’wag mo akong iwanan…” sabi niya habang nakayakap sa bewang ko. “Gen, ’wag mo namang gawin sa ’kin ’to…”

“Sana naisip mo ’yan bago mo ako ginago, Tristan! Sex lang ba?! Sex lang ba ’yung dahilan kaya tinapon mo ’yung walong taon na pinagsamahan natin?!” sabi ko ng naiiyak. “Eight years, Tristan! Eight years! Pinagpalit mo sa sex!”

Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko habang umiiyak. Ngayon ko lang nararamdaman lahat ng galit na kahapon ko pa inipon.

“Hindi pa tayo kasal pero ginagago mo na ako. Paano pa kapag kasal na tayo? Magkakaroon ka ng kabit? Ganon ba?”

Agad siyang umiling. “Hindi, Gen. I’m sorry… Please ’wag ka ng umiyak.”

“Naiiyak ako, Tristan. Naiiyak ako kasi sinira mo lahat ng plano ko para sa ’ting dalawa.” Tinanggal ko iyong singsing na binigay niya. Bakas ang takot sa mga mata niya.

“No,” sabi niya habang umiiling. “Gen, ’wag ganito.”

“I’m sorry, Tristan. Hindi ko kaya na makasama ka. Nandidiri ako sa ’yo.”

Mas lalong lumakas ang iyak ko. Eight years. Dito lang kami nauwi.

“Magbabago na ako. Please, ’wag naman ganito, Gen. Ikaw na lang ’yung meron ako. Ikaw na lang ’yung pamilya ko. ’Wag naman ganito,” sabi niya habang unti-unting namamasa ang mga mata. Mas hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa bewang ko. Pilit kong tinanggal ang hawak niya pero mas lalo niya akong hinahawakan. “Gen, maawa ka naman…”

“Tristan, maawa ka naman… Ang sakit-sakit ng ginawa mo sa ’kin…”

Walang gumalaw sa aming dalawa. Parehas kaming umiiyak.

“Tama na, Tristan…” mahinang sabi ko. “Tapos na. Nasaktan na ako. Hindi ko na kayang magtiwala sa ’yo.”

Umiling siya. “Gen, ’wag mo namang tapusin ngayon. Nangako tayo, ’di ba? Tayo hanggang sa huli.”

I smiled at him. “Pero hindi naman lahat ng pangako, natutupad.”

“Pinangako ko sa magulang mo na aalagaan kita,” he said, standing up. He cupped my face. “Gen, please. ’Wag ka namang magdesisyon ng ganito. I know I messed up. Alam ko ang gago ko. Alam ko kasalanan ko. Magalit ka sa akin, saktan mo ako… pero ’wag naman ganito na iiwan mo ako. Ikaw ’yung pamilya ko, e. Wala namang ganito, Gen.”

Pinilit kong ngumiti kahit panay ang tulo ng luha ko.

“Trist, alam ko na mas gugustuhin ni Mama na iwanan kita kaysa manatili ako sa relasyon na ’to kahit alam ko na hindi mo naman na ako mahal.”

“Gen, mahal kita—”

“Pero bakit mo ako niloko, Tristan? Kung mahal mo ako, hindi mo gagawin sa akin ’yun. Hindi mo ako sasaktan nang ganito kasakit,” sabi ko at hinawakan ang dibdib ko. “Ang sakit kasi, Tristan. Ang sakit ng ginawa mo sa ’kin.”

Mas hinigpitan niya ang hawak sa mukha ko at pilit na pina-tingin ako sa kanya. Bakas ko ’yung sakit sa mga mata niya… pero wala akong maramdaman. Mas nangingibabaw ang sakit na binigay niya sa akin. “I’m sorry, Gen. Promise, magbabago ako. ’Wag mo akong iwanan. Please.”

Umiling ako. “Mahal kita, Tristan… Pero mahal ko rin ’yung sarili ko,” sabi ko bago ko siya iniwan.

Kabanata 3

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 3 

Pinilit ko na ituon lahat ng atensyon ko sa trabaho. The more busy I got, I was hoping that I’d get less time to think about Tristan. Ayoko na siyang maisip. Nakaka-pagod na maalala lahat ng mga sinabi niya sa akin. Nakaka-pagod na manghinayang sa mayroon kami na nauwi lang sa wala.

Sabi nila, you should treat every mistake as lesson learned… pero paano kung sa sobrang sakit ng pagkakamali mo, natatakot ka ng sumugal?

“Totoo pala na kapag matalino sa acads, bobo sa love, noh?” sabi ni Jenna. I tried to ignore her. Kung hindi ko lang kinailangan ng matutulugan nung isang araw, hindi ko sasabihin kay Jenna ang nangyari sa amin ni Tristan. I just… didn’t want to destroy Tristan. Kahit na ang gago niya, ayoko na masira siya sa ibang tao.

“Jenna, please…” mahinang sabi ko habang pinipilit na ituon ang atensyon sa paglilinis.

“Sorry, friend, pero affected talaga ako. Kung hindi din naman ba isa’t-kalahating gago ’yang ex mo, e. Pinag-aral mo na’t lahat, nagawa pang lumandi sa iba! Ang sarap putulan ni gago, e!” galit na galit na sabi niya. I kept my mum. Paano ako makakalimot kung bawat araw, naririnig ko? Kung bawat araw, may nagpapaalala sa akin?

“Wag na nating pag-usapan, please?” I begged.

“Mars, hindi kasi talaga fair! Ikaw nagbabayad sa apartment niyo tapos ikaw ’tong lumayas?! Kung ’di ka ba naman humahabol para maging santo, e ’di sana siya ang pinalayas mo!” mas malakas ang boses na sabi niya. Halos masira na iyong bintana sa sobrang pagpupunas niya. “Nahihiya ka lang ba kaya ’di mo mapalayas? Aba’t ako ang pupunta mamaya at masilaban ang gamit ng hinayupak!”

Tumigil ako sa pagpupunas at tinignan siya. I sighed before beginning. “Jenna, I appreciate the concern, pero ayos lang ako.”

“Paanong ayos? Ni wala kang matitirhan kasi ayaw mong bumalik sa apartment niyo na ikaw ang nagbabayad!” she fumed again.

“Nag-aaral siya. Mas kailangan niya ’yung apartment. Makaka-hanap din ako ng titirhan,” I answered.

Her eyes twitched. “Mars, don’t tell me na itutuloy mo pa rin ’yang scholarship program ng ex mo?!”

I sighed. “Please? ’Wag na nating pag-usapan. Mas lalong sumasakit ang ulo ko.” Pinagpatuloy ko na ang trabaho dahil naawa na yata sa akin si Jenna at hindi niya na ako kinulit. Matapos ang trabaho, agad akong dumiretso sa kasunod. Nang dumating ang gabi, hindi ko na maramdaman ang katawan ko sa sobrang pagod. Mabuti na lang at pumayag si Jenna na maki-tulog muna ako sa kanila habang hindi pa ako nakaka-hanap ng lilipatan.

“Gen…” Napa-hinto ako sa paglalakad nang makita ko si Tristan na nag-aabang sa akin sa harap ng apartment ni Jenna.

“Ano’ng ginagawa mo rito?” I asked him with my tired voice. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to even raise my voice. I was just tired of this. Of him.

“Can we talk?”

I shook my head. “I already said everything I wanted to say,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Please. ’Wag mo na akong sundan.”

Sinubukan ko na maglakad papasok pero hinawakan niya ako sa braso. “Hindi ako titigil hanggang hindi mo ako kinakausap, Gen. Hindi ako titigil hanggang hindi mo ako pinapatawad. Sabihin mo naman sa akin kung ano ang pwede kong gawin…”

Tinignan ko siya. “Pwede mo bang alisin sa isip ko ’yung mga nakita ko, Tristan? Kasi kung kaya mo, baka pwede pa kitang patawarin.” Natigilan siya. Bumigat na naman ang paghinga ko.

“Gen… alam ko galit ka ngayon, pero hindi naman pwede na habambuhay kang galit sa akin.”

I forced a smile. “You don’t understand, Tristan. Sa tuwing pipikit ako, nakikita ko ’yung ginawa mo sa babae mo. Sa tuwing nakikita kita, naaalala ko kung paano mo ako ginago. Sa tuwing hinahawakan mo ako, nandidiri ako.” Alam ko masakit akong magsalita… pero mas masakit pa rin ’yung nararamdaman ko. Alam ko na mali dahil sinusubukan ko siyang saktan para mawala iyong sakit na nararamdaman ko… but I just wanted to lessen the pain. To at least make it bearable.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry kasi kulang ako.”

Nilagpasan ko siya. At saka sabay-sabay na bumagsak iyong luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

---

Lumipas ang dalawang linggo pero walang nagbago sa nararamdaman ko. Mabigat pa rin. Masakit pa rin. At may mga gabi pa rin na iniisip ko kung ano ba ang kulang sa akin.

“Mars, try mo kaya na ituloy na ’yung law school mo? Sayang ’yung isang sem mo,” sabi ni Jenna.

“Sa susunod na,” I answered, counting the money I earned.

“Love kita, Mars, pero sasaktan talaga kita kapag pinambayad mo ’yang pera mo sa tuition ng hinayupak na ex mo.”

“Hindi,” I said. “Naka-hanap na kasi ako ng apartment. Magbabayad na ako ng downpayment.”

“Talaga? I’m so happy for you! Pero malayo naman ’yan sa dati mong apartment ’di ba? Baka mas lalo ka lang guluhin ng ex mo,” she said, worried. Nitong mga nakaraang linggo, panay ang dalaw ni Tristan sa akin kahit ilang beses na akong nagmakaawa na tigilan niya ako. Kahit na binuhusan na siya ng malamig na tubig ni Jenna, hindi pa rin siya tumitigil.

“Mars, remind lang kita, once a cheater, always a cheater. Alam ko na paawa effect ang peg ni Tristan lately pero ’wag kang magpapadala,” she reminded me. She didn’t need to, though. I could always picture that scene in my mind. That moment that changed my life for good.

---

Nang sumunod na araw, tinulungan ako ni Jenna na maglipat ng mga gamit. Actually, she volunteered na siya na ang kukuha ng natitira kong gamit sa apartment namin dati ni Tristan.

I was all settled in matapos ang ilang oras na pag-aayos. Maliit lang ’yung apartment ko pero sakto lang para sa akin.

“Mars… alam ko sabi mo shut up na lang ako about sa ex mo pero kasi… nakita ko iyong babae na malandi kanina sa apartment niyo.”

Natigilan ako. Pinakiramdaman ko ang puso ko kung masakit pa. Masakit na masakit pa pala.

“See? Once a cheater, always a cheater talaga ang peg ni Tristan sa buhay. Kaya ’wag kang maniniwala sa kanya, ha?” Jenna reminded me. I smiled and thanked her for looking out for me.

Nang makaalis na siya, mag-aayos na sana ako para matulog nang may kumatok. Sinilip ko iyong labas at laking gulat ko nang makita ko si Tristan. Ayoko sanang buksan dahil ayoko siyang makausap pero alam ko na hindi siya aalis hanggang hindi ako lumalabas. At alam ko na exam week niya ngayon.

“Ano na naman?” I asked.

“Nagdinner ka na?” he asked, smiling a bit.

I nodded. “Umuwi ka na. Mag-aral ka na,” I reminded him. “Wag mong sayangin iyong apat na sem na ginapang ko para sa ’yo.”

Bumakas na naman iyong sakit sa mga mata niya. “Gen… paano pa ako mag-aaral kung wala ka na?”

“Don’t worry, hindi kita iiwan sa ere. Tatapusin ko hanggang ngayong sem.”

Agad na nilapitan niya ako at hinawakan sa kamay. “Gen, hindi ’yun ’yung ibig kong sabihin,” he said and held on tighter. “Naalala mo ba na kaya ko gustong maging doctor ay dahil sa Mama natin na parehong namatay sa cancer? Paano pa ako tutuloy kung wala ka na? Ikaw ’yung dahilan ko, Gen. Ikaw ’yung inspirasyon ko.”

Ayoko siyang tignan. Ayoko na alalahanin iyong nakaraan namin. Nanghihinayang ako… sayang na sayang… pero mas sayang ang oras namin kung itutuloy lang namin iyong kalokohan na ’to.

“Humanap ka ng ibang inspirasyon, Tristan. ’Wag na ako. Please.” Huminga ako nang malalim. “Paano ako makaka-move on kung palagi kang nandyan?”

“Then don’t,” he pleaded. “Don’t move on from me, please. Tayo na lang ulit, Gen…”

Umiling ako. “No. I’m sorry.”

Akma na akong papasok sa loob nang magsalita ulit siya. “I’ll get you back, Gen. Hindi ako titigil.”

“May iba ka na. ’Wag na ako. Please. Patahimikin mo naman ako.”

“Wala akong iba… I made a mistake, alam ko. Pero maniwala ka naman na sa ’yo lang ako seryoso.”

“Tristan, kahit gusto kong maniwala sa ’yo, hindi ko magawa. Puro ka kasinungalingan. Sinasabi mo na ako lang pero ano? Makikita ni Jenna na pumunta pa talaga iyong babae mo sa apartment?” I asked him.

“What? No! May kinuha lang siya. Babe, please naman…”

“Ano’ng kinuha niya? ’Yung bra niya na hinagis niyo nung binababoy niyo ang apartment ko? O iyong panty niya na tinanggal mo gamit ang ngipin mo?”

Mas lalo siyang namutla. Mas lalo akong nasaktan.

“Yeah. I thought so, too,” I replied before turning my back on him again.

---

Pakiramdam ko, lahat na ng trabaho ay ginawa ko. And I didn’t know that I became so desperate to be busy na pati essay ng mga students ay papatulan ko. Gusto ko lang talaga maging busy… at hindi umuwi sa apartment dahil alam ko na may Tristan na naghihintay sa akin at gusto akong guluhin. Hindi pa ba sapat ang dami ng pinag-aaralan niya sa med school na may oras pa siya para magmakaawa sa akin?

“Na-proofread ko na ’yan ng ilang beses,” I assured my client. She scanned the paper that I gave her. “Sinunod ko rin lahat ng sinabi mo.” Nang matapos siyang basahin, binigay niya na iyong bayad sa akin. Easy money. Three thousand para sa essay ng mga estudyante na tamad gumawa ng requirements.

Aalis na dapat siya pero hindi ko maiwasan na tanungin siya. Ngayon lang kasi ako gumawa ng essay na ang topic ay Why do you think you’re fit for law.

“This one’s for the entrance exam requirements,” sagot niya. “Anyway, gotta go. Thanks for this.” God. Balak niyang maging lawyer tapos ultimo simpleng essay ay hindi magawa? Kawawa naman ang magiging clients ng babae na ’to.

Nang makaalis na siya, aalis na sana ako pero binilang ko muna iyong pera. Naka-kunot ang noo ko nang ma-realize ko na two thousand lang ang hawak ko. Shit. Iisahan pa yata ako! Agad-agad na tumakbo ako para habulin iyong babae. Kailangan ko iyong pera ngayon. Last day ng payment para sa tuition ni Tristan. Last na ’to, e. Pagkatapos nito, wala na talaga akong koneksyon sa kanya. I just couldn’t leave him hanging. I just couldn’t.

Pero bago pa man ako makapasok, “Miss, ID?” tanong sa akin nung guard. Hindi ako maka-sagot. Hindi naman kasi ako nag-aaral sa St. Claire’s. Ni sa pangarap ko, hindi ko inisip. This school’s for the rich. Alam ko naman ang imposible sa hindi.

“Ah… naiwan ko po kasi,” I reasoned. Kailangan ko lang talaga na mahabol iyong babae. Hindi makakakuha ng exams si Tristan kapag hindi ako naka-bayad. Pero sa tingin pa lang sa akin nung guard, alam ko na hindi niya ako papapasukin. Who would, anyway? Mukha akong naliligaw na pusa dito sa school na ’to. Everyone was dressed to kill. Habang ako, mukhang bibili lang ng suka sa kanto.

But I was really desperate that I shamelessly clung on to the person beside me. “Uy, classmate!” I said and then grinned. Napa-kunot iyong noo nung lalaki.

“What?” naguguluhan niya na tanong.

Ramdam ko na nagdududa pa rin sa akin iyong guard kaya naman pasimple kong hinatak iyong lanyard nung lalaki at binasa ang pangalan.

“Male-late na tayo sa klase natin, Parker Adrian Palma,” I said and then pulled him away from the suspecting guard. God. The things I do for Tristan kahit hiwalay na kami!

Kabanata 4

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 4 

My heart was beating erratically inside my chest. Kahit na wala naman akong ginawang masama, pakiramdam ko ay nagtrespassing ako dahil sa nangyari. God, Tristan! Hanggang kailan mo ba ako papahirapan?

Nang malayo na kami sa guwardiya, napatigil ako sa paglalakad dahil tumigil din iyong lalaki na kinapitan ko sa braso. I looked at him and awkwardly smiled.

“Uh… thanks?” I said. “Parker, right?”

He was just looking at me pero ewan ko ba, he’s too intimidating kahit na hindi siya magsalita. And I wasn’t one to be easily intimidated. I had fought my way through my life kaya hindi ako mabilis matakot sa mga tao na nakakasalamuha ko. But with this guy, he just seemed… dark? Na parang ang bigat-bigat ng pagkatao niya. It just showed. Kita sa mga mata niya.

“Thanks for the help. Sige, una na ako,” sabi ko sa kanya at mabilis na tumalikod. Mabilis na hinanap ko iyong kliyente ko dahil tumatakbo ang oras. Hanggang 6pm lang ang school ni Tristan at ala-cinco na. Kahit naman hiwalay na kami ni Tristan at ayoko siyang makita, I didn’t want to involve his education. And I worked so hard for four semesters. This felt like an investment. Sayang kung mauuwi sa wala.

I tried to call my client pero hindi siya sumasagot. At pabilis nang pabilis ang takbo ng oras. I kept on mentally cursing myself habang paikot-ikot ako rito sa building. Ano ba naman kasi ang naisip ko at hindi ko binilang nang maayos bago umalis iyong babae?!

Palakad-lakad ako nang makasalubong ko na naman iyong Parker. I really didn’t want to bother him pero siya lang ang pwede kong tanungin. Everyone here seemed too busy to even stop answer my question.

“Hi!” I said with a smile. “Can I ask where the admission office is?” But instead of answering, itinaas niya lang ang kamay niya at tinuro ako sa isang direksyon. “Uh… medyo malaki kasi ’yung school. Do you mind walking me there?” I said, smiling bigger. I was just really desperate for help! Masasayang lahat ng pagod ko kung hindi ko maibabayad ang pera na hawak ko dahil lang kulang ng one thousand. Sobrang higpit pa naman ng school ni Tristan.

Hindi ulit siya sumagot. Sinamahan niya ako na maglakad pero kanina ko pa napapansin na panay ang tingin niya sa phone niya. Para ring permanent na iyong kunot ng noo niya.

“Thank you,” I said nung makita ko iyong pangalan ng admission office. Huminga ako nang malalim. Sinubukan ko na kumatok pero pagpasok ko, nakita ko na nasa loob ng isa pang room iyong babae na kailangan kong kausapin. Napa-tingin ako sa relos ko. 30 minutes na lang. Shit.

I kept on pacing back and forth, thinking of a way that I could do. I just really need to do it. For closure. Para tuluyan ko nang makalimutan si Tristan ng hindi nakokonsensya dahil iniwan ko siya sa ere. It’s just so unfair na siya na iyong nagloko pero dahil sa peste kong konsensya, ako pa ang nahihirapan.

“Matagal ba ang process ng admission dito?” I asked Parker. Akala ko kasi umalis na siya pero nakatayo lang siya sa isang gilid, hawak ang phone niya.

Tinignan niya ako. His eyes were so intense. Bigla akong kinabahan nung tinignan niya ako. Ganito ba talaga siya?

“Why?” he asked. His voice was like him, dark. Na para bang isang maling tanong lang, magagalit siya.

“Kailangan ko lang kasing kausapin iyong babae,” I said at saka tinuro iyong babae sa loob.

“It’ll probably take half an hour,” sabi niya.

“Seryoso?!” He nodded. God. Hindi na talaga ako aabot! Agad kong kinuha ang phone ko at tinawagan iyong school ni Tristan. Naki-usap ako, namilit na kahit bukas na lang ako magbabayad pero ang higpit nila.

Shit talaga.

Nahihilo na ako sa kaiikot pero hindi ko pa rin maisip kung ano ang gagawin ko. I was feeling really bad. When Tristan’s mom died, pinangako ko na aalagaan ko si Tristan. And I couldn’t just back down on my words when a dying woman made me swear!

Preston Suarez

calling…

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” tanong ko roon sa lalaki. Nabo-bother kasi ako na kanina pa umiilaw iyong cellphone niya pero hindi niya naman sinasagot. He just kept on staring at it na para bang automatic na masasagot ang tawag.

“No,” he replied, to my surprise dahil hindi naman mukhang chatty itong si Parker.

“Bakit ayaw mong patayin na lang?”

He sighed. “Because…” he trailed, looking really problematic tungkol sa pagsagot ng tawag. Pero imbes na sagutin ako, tinignan niya ako. “Why are you here?”

“Bakit? Bawal?” defensive na sagot ko. Why was this school so freaking elitist? Porke naka-pants at white shirt lang ako, hindi na ako pwedeng pumasok dito sa College of Law?

“Not really. But you look lost. Hindi ka tiga-rito,” sabi niya. Napa-taas ang kilay ko. Marunong naman palang magTagalog!

“Yeah right,” I snorted. “Hindi ako magsasayang ng pera sa overpriced tuition ng school na ’to.” I could seriously travel throughout Europe sa isang taon na tuition sa school na ’to. Alam ko kasi chineck ko dati nung naghahanap ako ng papasukan na law school.

He looked amused. “You’re really saying that in front of the admission office.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. Shit. Oo nga pala. “Well… nagsasabi lang ako ng totoo,” I shot back. Bigla na naman akong napa-tingin sa relo ko. Almost 6pm na. Shit talaga.

Tinignan ko ulit iyong nasa harap ko. “You’re Parker Adrian Palma, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Why?”

Nag-aaral siya rito sa St. Claire’s. Sigurado ako na hindi siya magnanakaw… at mukha naman siyang mayaman kung titignan ko siya. Maputi. Makinis. English speaking.

“I have this crazy favor,” sinabi ko at saka huminga nang malalim. Naka-tingin lang siya sa akin at saka hinintay ang sasabihin ko. “Promise, hindi ako masamang tao,” sabi ko at saka nilabas ang ID holder ko. Pinakita ko sa kanya iyong mga ID na meron ako. “Wala rin akong criminal record, swear! Or kung nagdududa ka pa rin, pwede mo akong kunan ng picture at gawin mong viral sa internet at saka ipa-bash mo ako sa mga online warriors!”

Habang sinasabi ko ’to, mas lalong kumukunot ang noo niya. Nababaliw na talaga ako! Ang desperado ko na para kay Tristan!

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

I sighed at saka naupo. “Iyong babae kasi sa loob, may utang sa akin na one thousand… e kailangan ko na talaga ngayon. Deadline kasi ng bayad sa tuition.”

Bigla akong nagulat dahil naupo siya sa tabi ko. Pero baka ayos na rin kasi ang hirap kausap siya tapos naka-tingala ako. Hindi ako pwedeng magka-stiff neck dahil marami akong trabaho.

“Alright, tapos?” he asked.

“Pwedeng pautang ng one thousand? Promise babayaran kita!” sabi ko at tinaas pa ang kamay ko. Nilabas ko nag cellphone ko at binigay sa kanya. “Bigay mo ’yung number mo o kaya bank account. Idedeposit ko, swear!”

Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko habang hinihintay ko ang sagot ko. Just say yes, please! Tulungan mo ako na tuluyang mabura si Tristan sa buhay ko. I really wanted to do this to finally severe my connection with Tristan.

“Do you really need the money or you just want my number?” tanong niya habang naka-tingin nang mabuti sa mga mata ko.

Napaawang ang labi ko. “What?” hindi maka-paniwala kong tanong.

“You can just ask for my number. No need to get creative,” sabi niya.

Wow. Just wow. “Excuse me pero sino ka para mag-effort ako na hingin ang number mo?” I asked. Tinignan ko nang mabuti ang mukha niya. “Artista ka ba? Isa sa mga pinagkaka-guluhan na love team?” I honestly asked. Pwede naman since gwapo siya. Hindi rin ako masyadong nanonood ng TV dahil busy ako sa mga ginagawa ko sa buhay.

Hindi ko alam kung may nakakatawa ba sa tanong ko pero unti-unting nagkaroon ng ngiti sa mukha niya. He looked so amused with me kaya kumunot ang noo ko. Ano bang sinabi ko na nakakatawa?

“Nope. Not a celebrity. Just an aspiring lawyer,” sabi niya at saka biglang nilabas ang wallet niya. “Here,” he continued at saka inabot ang one thousand sa akin.

“Thank you! Promise, babayaran kita!”

“Don’t bother. Consider that as thanks for making me laugh today,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Hala, hindi naman ako scammer. At saka grabe naman ’yung one thousand para lang sa tawa,” sabi ko sa kanya. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang mga mayayaman dahil ang bilis nilang magtapon ng pera. Hindi pa kasi nila nararanasan kung gaano kahirap kumita.

“It’s hard to make me laugh these days. Consider that as a thank you.”

I shrugged. Hindi naman ako mahirap kausap. Habang nakaupo pa rin, tinignan ko ang relos ko. I still had a few minutes left. Nilabas ko ang ibang pera na dala ko at binilang para sigurado.

“Okay. Kaya mo ’to, Gen,” I whispered to myself. I checked kung naka-sintas ba ang sapatos ko dahil malayo-layo ang tatakbuhin ko. Nang masigurado ko na ayos na, tatayo na sana ako nang magsalita na naman si Parker.

“Wait. Your name is Gen?” he asked. I nodded. “Gen as in?” he continued to ask, looking hopeful.

“Gen as in Genesis,” I answered with a smile. “Naka-hiligan kasi ni Mama na magbasa ng bible nung pinagbubuntis niya ako. Bakit?” I asked.

Umiling siya, looking crestfallen again. “Nothing,” he replied.

“Ah… okay. Sige, tatakbo pa ako papunta sa St. Martin, e,” sabi ko at tatakbo na sana ako nang mapatigil ako dahil may humawak sa akin sa braso. Muntik na akong ma-out of balance dahil sa ginawa niya. “Bakit?”

Ilang segundo na naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. Na-conscious tuloy ako bigla. May mali ba sa mukha ko? May dumi ba? Bakit ganito siyang maka-tingin?!

“May… problema ba?” tanong ko. “Medyo nagmamadali kasi ako. Hanggang 6 lang bukas ’yung bayaran.”

I was starting to feel uncomfortable with the way he’s staring. Hindi lang kasi simpleng pagtingin ang ginagawa niya. It’s like… he’s looking into my soul. He’s that intense.

“Hindi ka aabot,” he said.

“Kaya nga tatakbo na ako,” sabi ko. I tried to yank off his hand from my arm but his hold was firm.

“It’s 5 minutes to 6. Gaano ka ba kabilis tumakbo?”

I pursed my lips. My heart sank. Hindi na talaga ako aabot. Siguro kung mayaman ako at may chopper, aabot ako ng 5 minutes. Pero sino ba ako? Si Genesis na walang magulang, walang pera, wala pang boyfriend. Buti na lang hindi ako mabilis tumaba. Iyon na lang ang gusto ko sa buhay ko.

“I need… to at least try,” I said, looking at him. “I need to do this to move on.” Biglang lumuwag ang hawak niya sa akin. “Siguro nga baliw ako gaya ng sinasabi ng kaibigan ko. Pinagpalit ko iyong law school para magtrabaho. Para pag-aralin iyong tao na akala ko mahal ako. Tapos niloko lang ako… tapos… nandito pa rin ako. Parang tanga na magbabayad ng tuition niya kasi hindi kaya ng konsensya ko na pabayaan siya at iwan sa ere.”

Bigla na namang sumikip ang dibdib ko. I really didn’t want to talk about Tristan. Even thinking about him hurt… but it was the only way to do it. Na baka mabawasan iyong sakit kapag paulit-ulit kong sinabi. Kahit konti lang.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I smiled. “Okay lang. Ako rin naman ’yung tanga.” Sinubukan ko na maglakad ulit pero hinawakan niya na naman ako sa braso.

“Can I help?” he asked.

“Bakit? May chopper ka ba?”

He nodded. Fuck. “But you seriously won’t get there in time,” sabi niya at nilabas na naman iyong makapal niyang wallet. “St. Martin, right?” I slowly nodded, hindi pa rin maintindihan ang ginagawa niya.

“Ano’ng ginaga—” But I didn’t even get to finish my question before he motioned me to be quiet dahil may kausap siya sa cellphone niya.

“Yes, payment for,” sabi niya at tinignan ako. He mouthed ‘name.’

“Tristan Marquez,” I whispered.

“For Tristan Marquez,” he continued. “Yes, will pay for the remaining balance. My credit card number is,” sinabi niya bago nagpatuloy sa pagbibigay ng detalye. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Who was this guy?!

Nang matapos siya, ramdam ko na nanlalaki pa rin iyong mga mata ko.

“Why did you do that?” I asked.

“For you to move on.”

“Yeah… but why?”

“Because I know how hard it is to move on. I just want to help in ways that I can,” sabi niya sabay tago ng cellphone niya sa bulsa niya. Na para bang hindi niya binayaran iyong balance ko na 90 thousand sa school ni Tristan.

“Nagmu-move on ka rin?” He nodded. Tinignan ko siya. Hindi naman siya mukhang heart broken. Hindi siya mukhang stressed. Gwapo pa rin. “Hindi halata,” I remarked.

“Bakit? Ano ba dapat ang itsura ko?” he asked, Tagalog na naman.

“Wala lang… kasi nung una kong nalaman na nagcheat sa akin—”

Napaawang ang labi niya. “He fucking cheated on you and you still paid for his tuition?”

“Don’t judge! Ito ’yung paraan ko ng pagmu-move on! At saka… last na naman na ’to…” I replied and then sighed. “Hindi ko lang kasi kaya na bigla na lang siyang iwanan. Hindi kaya ng konsensya ko. Sinubukan ko na. Hindi ako naka-tulog ng tatlong gabi kakaisip kung paano kung hindi makapagtake ng exams si Tristan dahil sa akin.”

“You’re a fucking masochist,” he commented.

“Wow, you’re one to judge. Ikaw nga namimigay ng pera dahil lang natawa ka,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“It’s just money.”

“Yeah. Typical answer ng mayayaman na gaya niyo. Hindi mo pa kasi naranasan na magutom. Na hindi mabili ’yung gusto mo,” I said. Ilang libro na iyong nadaanan ko sa bookstore na hindi ko mabili kahit gustung-gusto ko.

“You think you got me all figured out dahil lang mayaman ako?” he asked.

“Hindi. Pero alam ko rin naman na hindi mahirap ang buhay kagaya ng sinasabi mo. You’re lucky enough, Parker. Appreciate that, at least.”

Naka-tingin siya sa akin. Ayan na naman iyong mga tingin niya.

“You think I’m lucky?”

I nodded. “Ayan ka, mukhang healthy. Nag-aaral ng law. May pera. May pambili ng pagkain. That’s more than what most people have. You should be happy.”

He looked at me and scoffed. “Your definition of happiness is surprisingly shallow, Gen. Nice to meet you, still,” sabi niya at iniwanan ako. Paano na ’yung 90 thousand?!

Kabanata 5

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 5 

It was a good thing that I was quick on my feet. Bago pa man mawala si Parker sa paningin ko ay mabilis ko na siyang sinundan. “Parker!” I called after him pero ang lalaki, parang walang narinig! I didn’t know what it was that I said that offended him. Wala naman akong maalala. He just… got mad? Hindi pa naman ako kumportable na may galit sa akin. It’s bothersome kapag alam mo na may tao na galit sa ’yo.

“Sandali lang!” I still called after him after being snubbed. He was obviously taller than me kaya mas mabilis siyang maglakad. But I wasn’t about to lose him. Lalo na at may 90k na pera siyang ginastos para sa akin. I also didn’t like the feeling of being indebted to anyone. Kaya nga ako nagta-trabaho dahil gusto ko na sariling pera ko ang ginagastos ko.

“What?” he asked when I held him by his arm.

“Yung 90 thousand,” I said.

“What about that?” tanong niya.

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Kung hindi kita hinabol, papabayaan mo na lang ’yun?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong. I had heard stories about the ridiculously rich people but I witnessing it first hand still felt a little weird. Hindi ko akalain na may mga tao pala talaga na kayang magtapon ng pera.

“It’s just money, Gen. Consider this as your lucky day.”

“I know that I’m probably stepping out of bounds here, pero ano ba ang nangyari sa ’yo?” tanong ko sa kanya. I didn’t know if he’s usually this intense pero pakiramdam ko ay malaki ang pinagdadaanan niya. Para bang ang lungkot-lungkot niyang tao.

Nagvibrate na naman ang cellphone niya. Nakita ko na naman iyong pangalan na Preston Suarez doon.

“Hindi mo ba sasagutin?” I asked.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because he wants me to attend a wedding.”

“Ng kaibigan mo?”

He shook his head. “My first love. She’s getting married today.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. Shit. I certainly hit a nerve. Kaya naman pala sobrang lungkot niya ngayong araw. Kaya naman pala worth one thousand pesos ang ngiti niya dahil malungkot talaga siya. But I didn’t know what to say. Alam ko na mahirap ’yung pinagdadaanan niya ngayon. I mean, that’s his first love…

“I’m sorry,” I said for that was all I could say.

“It’s fine,” sagot niya. “And as for the money, you can repay me by leaving your ex. It’s seriously not healthy that you’re paying for his tuition. Masyado ka pang bata para maging sugar Mama.”

Napaawang na naman ang labi ko sa kanya at unti-unti akong natawa. I was laughing so hard that I actually felt tears forming in my eyes. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako na-offend sa sinabi niya. I just found it really funny kaya tawang-tawa ako. “Seriously? Sa ’yo pa talaga nanggaling?” I asked, wiping the tears away from my face.

“Judge all you want but I didn’t pay for Imo’s tuition.”

I arched a brow. “So she has a name,” I said.

“Yeah. Imogen.”

“Ang ganda ng name. Maganda ba?”

He timidly nodded and gave out a small smile. “Very.”

“E ’yung pinalit sa ’yo? Gwapo ba?”

“Of course I’ll tell you that he’s ugly,” sagot niya na ikina-ngiti ko ng malaki. Who knew that this broody guy also had this fun side in him? Akala ko e puro lang siya pagse-seryoso at pagiging mukhang nakaka-takot.

“Yeah…” I said, smiling at him. “I’m sure he’s ugly.”

Naka-tayo kami at naka-tingin sa isa’t-isa. The sun was already setting behind us. And as the light reflected against his face, kita ko pa rin na nahihirapan siya sa araw na ’to. I was glad that the day was about to end. It must have been hard for him na ganito. Na alam niya na sa oras na ’to, ginaganap iyong kasal ng babae na gusto niya.

“Well, Parker, I don’t know you much but you’ll find the one who’s meant for you. Maybe Imo’s just a chapter in your life… and maybe it’s time that you open a new chapter,” I said, looking into his eyes para maramdaman niya na hindi pa katapusan ng mundo dahil ikakasal ang first love niya. “For what it’s worth, you seem like a good catch.”

Nginitian ko siya bago ko kinuha iyong pera na nasa bag ko. I handed it to him. “40 thousand lang ’to kasi midterm pa lang naman. Nakaka-shock ka naman kasi na hanggang finals e binayaran mo,” I said.

“Really, it’s okay,” sabi niya.

I shook my head. “I may not be rich but I have my principles,” I said with a smile. “Hindi ako makaka-tulog nang maayos knowing na may utang ako sa ’yo.”

“Bakit? It’s not even your tuition. Bakit mo binabayaran?” he asked.

“Kasi… kahit naging ganito kami ni Tristan, he’s still my best friend. And I just couldn’t bear to abandon him. I’m all he’s got.”

“You’re stupid.”

I grinned. “Yeah. Maybe I am. But who doesn’t get stupid when it comes to love? Parang lahat naman ng tao nagiging tanga once in their life dahil na-in love sila.”

He gave a single nod. “Right.”

I arched my brow. “What? You’ve never done anything stupid for love?”

“Nothing that can top you paying for your cheating ex’s tuition.”

I rolled my eyes on him. “Ay grabe siya, hindi marunong magmove on?” I asked and he smiled. “At saka last na ’to. Since binayaran mo na ’yung buong sem, I’m free from him…”

Free from Tristan. Free from our 8 years together. Free from all the dreams I built for the two of us.

Free from the future we could’ve both have kung hindi niya ako piniling lokohin.

“That’ts good,” he commented.

“Yeah…” Siguro. But I still felt a little lost. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Nasanay kasi ako na kasama ko si Tristan kaya ngayon na wala na siya sa buhay ko, hindi ko alam kung paano. I knew I could live without him… but it would feel lacking.

Naka-ngiti kami sa isa’t-isa nang maramdaman naming pareho iyong patak ng ulan. Napa-tingin ako sa taas. “Maybe the sky is crying for us,” I said. Palakas nang palakas ang ulan. “You can just give me your bank account info kung ayaw mong ibigay ’yung number,” I told him.

“Seriously…” sabi niya. I nodded. Inilahad niya iyong palad niya. “Give me your phone.”

I arched a brow. “Aba… ibibigay mo ang number mo?” tukso ko sa kanya.

“Yeah. Hindi ko kabisado ang bank account ko,” he said.

Habang nilalagay niya iyong number niya sa phone ko, naka-tingin lang ako sa seryoso niyang mukha. Siguro sobrang ganda nung first love nito. Biruin mo iyong ganito ka-gwapo na lalaki ay aayawan mo pa? Pero sabagay… a heart wants what it wants. Wala naman sa itsura ’yan. Kahit pa panget basta mahal mo, wala ka namang magagawa. Ako nga kahit manloloko, mahal ko pa rin, e. Unfair talaga.

“Hindi ako nagsesend ng group message at saka hindi ako jejemon,” paninigurado ko sa kanya.

“You’re weird.”

“And you’re scary. Pwede bang ’wag masyadong kunot ang kilay?” sabi ko at inilingan niya lang ako.

“Tetext kita para ma-save mo ’yung number ko. Tapos send mo na lang sa akin ’yung bank details mo,” I said. Itinago ko na iyong phone ko at saka naghanap ng payong sa bag ko. Shit naman. Naiwan ko nga pala sa apartment ni Tristan iyong payong ko.

“Is there a problem?” he asked.

“Wala. Sige, una ka na,” I said.

“Sure?”

I nodded and smiled. “Yeah. Go home and sleep, Parker. A bad day ends in 24 hours. You can always start tomorrow,” I said, telling him what some stranger told me weeks ago. Napa-tingin siya sa akin at naka-kunot ang noo. But he didn’t say anything.

---

Kinabukasan, nagkita na naman kami ni Jenna para sabay kaming pumunta sa bahay na nililinisan namin twice a week. Para ngang haunted house iyong bahay, e. Malaki pero walang tao madalas. Isang tao lang daw ang naka-tira doon pero never ko pang inabutan.

“Hindi ka na ba binu-bwisit ni Tristan?” she asked habang busy sa pagpupunas ng malalaking bintana sa bahay.

“Hindi. Midterms nila. Nagrereview ’yun.”

“Kakaloka ka talaga, Mars. Sumasakit ang ulo ko sa ’yo. Sarap mong iunfriend,” she said na ikina-tawa ko naman. Mas problemado pa kasi siya sa akin kay Tristan. Parang siya iyong niloko, e. Ganoon yata talaga kapag kaibigan. Mas affected pa sa ’yo.

Nang matapos na ako sa pagva-vacuum ng sahig, sinabi ni Jenna na ako na raw ’yung maglinis nung master’s bedroom. Usually kasi siya lang ang naglilinis nun pero dahil mukhang hindi pa siya tapos sa bintana, ako na lang. Papalitan lang naman iyong beddings at kukunin iyong mga maduduming damit, e.

Pagpasok ko sa kwarto, ramdam ko agad na lalaki ang naka-tira. Wala kasing kahit ano. It’s all black. Iyong pader lang ang puti. Grabe naman sa pagka-black ang kwarto na ’to. Sinimulan ko na tanggalin iyong beddings at palitan ng bago. Kinuha ko rin iyong mga maruming damit na naka-lagay sa hamper. And I was about to go out nang mapansin ko iyong book shelf sa gilid. Agad na lumapit ako roon.

“Wow… lawyer siya,” I mumbled to myself as I stared at the different law books. Gusto kong hawakan pero alam ko na hindi dapat. Naglilinis lang ako sa bahay na ’to kaya alam ko na bawal na humawak ako ng hindi sa akin. But still, I couldn’t help but oggle at the collection. Gusto ko siyang basahin. It had been more than a year since I stopped attending law school pero gusto ko pa rin.

Turning back time, alam ko na gagawin ko pa rin iyong ginawa ko. I still would’ve sacrificed law school for Tristan’s med school. Alam ko kasi na hindi pwede na sabay kami. Ang tanga lang pero ganoon kasi talaga ako magmahal. Gusto ko binibigay ko lahat. Nagsisisi kasi ako na hindi ko nabigay lahat sa magulang ko bago sila namatay. Ni hindi ko man lang nasabi kay Mama na mahal ko siya at proud ako sa lahat ng ginawa niya para sa akin… That was my biggest regret. Ayoko lang na maulit. Kaya hangga’t maaari, binibigay ko talaga lahat ng makakaya ko dahil ayokong magsisi kapag huli na ang lahat.

I was tempted to touch the hardbound books nang marinig ko na magbukas ang pinto. Agad akong napasandal sa gilid ng book shelf nang may marinig akong boses na nagtatalo.

“Just drop it, Preston.” Oh, my god. I knew that voice!

“You could’ve attended yesterday. Kahit ilang minuto lang.”

“And what? Pretend that I’m alright kahit hindi?”

“Fuck, Parker. Kasal na iyong kapatid ko. Just give it up already!”

“Don’t fucking come into my room and tell me to give up. You don’t know what I feel, Preston.”

Mas lalo akong sumiksik sa gilid dahil pakiramdam ko ay malapit na silang mag-away. Ayoko pa naman na naiipit ako sa away ng dalawang tao. Lalo na kapag lalaki. Ayoko na masapak.

“I know. I’m sorry. Pero tapos na. She’s already married. The only option here is to give up and move on,” pagod na sabi nung isang lalaki.

“I’ll do it in my own terms. And right now, my schedule tells me to wallow and be bitter about the wedding. At isa pa, may exam pa akong aaralin. You know your way out,” sabi niya at saka binuksan iyong pinto.

“Ang gago mo.”

“Nagpa-therapy ka lang, pakiramdam mo ang tino mo na?” he asked.

“At least I now know what I want. Ikaw? Ano? Magpapakamatay ka na lang sa pag-aaral?”

“Just focus your energy on getting Nari to fucking marry you. Tigilan mo muna ako.”

“Trust me, I’m working on Nari. And you’re my fucking best friend no matter how asshole you are right now,” sabi nung lalaki bago malakas na sumara ang pinto. Shit. Bakit naiwan ako dito?!

Pilit kong siniksik ang sarili ko sa gilid ng shelf at nanlaki ang mga mata nang makita kong hinuhubad ni Parker ang damit niya. Holy shit.

Kabanata 6

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 6 

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang isa-isa niyang tinanggal ang damit niya. Napaawang ang labi ko nang magtanggal siya ng pang-itaas. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko nang tanggalin niya iyong pants niya. Pilit kong sinara iyong mata ko pero hindi ko magawa nung tanggalin niya ang boxers niya.

Holy shit, Gen. Ano’ng ginagawa mo?! Kailan ka pa natutong mamboso?!

Pabilis nang pabilis ang puso ko dahil sa mga nakikita ko. What? Naglalakad lang talaga siya ng hubad sa kwarto niya?! May free show?

Kanina ko pa pinagdadasal na sana ay pumasok na siya sa CR para maligo pero may hinahanap pa yata siya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang mapansin ko na nasa gilid pa rin iyong mga beddings at damit na sana ay dadalhin ko sa baba. Sana hindi niya mapansin. Hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin kapag nahuli niya ako na nandito sa kwarto niya habang naka-birthday suit siya! I mena, nakita ko na, e. Kahit pumikit pa ako, hindi mawawala ang katotohanan na nakita ko na.

Buti na lang hindi kami friends ni Parker. Pakiramdam ko tuwing makikita ko siya, maiimagine ko na naka-hubad siya.

Muntik na akong atakihin habang naglalakad-lakad siya. After a few minutes, finally, pumasok na siya sa CR. Ramdam na ramdam ko iyong tulo ng pawis ko. Grabe, ngayon lang ako kinabahan nang ganito ka-grabe.

Mabilis kong pinulot iyong mga damit sa sahig pati na iyong malalaking beddings. Lumabas agad ako. Never na talaga akong papasok sa kwarto na ’yan! Si Jenna naman kasi talaga ang in-charge na maglinis, e!

“Anyareh, Mars? Pawis na pawis?” sabi ni Jenna. “Umakyat si Sir Parker, ah. Na-meet mo?” Bigla akong na-mula. Gosh. Hindi lang siya ang na-meet ko. Pati iyong friend niya down there.

I nodded. “Yeah,” I replied, pinunasan na naman iyong pawis ko. Ramdam ko pa rin iyong bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Parang may nagkakarera na kabayo sa dibdib ko, gosh.

“Gwapo, noh?” she said and then sighed dreamily.

“Crush mo?” I asked.

“Naman! Unang kita ko pa lang, crush ko na. Ganun kasi type ko. Gwapo at saka suplado,” sabi niya tapos humagikgik. “Bakit? ’Di mo ba type? Law student ’yun!”

I kept quiet. Less talk, less mistake. Mamaya e madulas pa ako rito kay Jenna at abutin pa ako ng tukso. Grabe pa naman ’to. Kung kani-kanino ako nirereto para raw tuluyan ko ng makalimutan si Tristan. Makaka-move on naman ako, alam ko. Pero ayoko naman na gumamit ng ibang tao para magawa ’yun. Unfair sa tao na gagamitin ko. Unfair din sa akin na lokohin ang sarili ko.

Binilisan ko ang natitira ko pang gagawin dahil ayoko na mahuli ako ni Parker na nandito. Maybe next time… but definitely not minutes after I saw him buck naked. Fresh na fresh pa rin sa alaala ko iyong mga nakita ko. Feeling niya ba dahil mag-isa lang siya na naka-tira rito sa mala-haunted house niyang bahay e pwede na siyang magfashion show ng naka-hubad? Nakakaloka siya!

“Ay, Mars, may lakad?” she asked nung mapansin niya na binibilisan ko. “Ay, sa Friday pala, uuwi ako sa province, e. Ikaw lang maglilinis dito. Keri mo ba or tatawag ako sa agency para magpadala ng kapalit ko?” she asked.

Kung ako lang ang maglilinis, ibig sabihin madodoble iyong bayad ko… pero mas malaki iyong chance na makita ako ni Parker. Pero hindi ko naman siya pinagtataguan. Guilty lang siguro talaga ako dahil sa ayaw at sa gusto ko, sinilipan ko siya. Pwede naman kasing pumikit! Ewan ko ba sa mga traydor kong mata na bukas na bukas habang naka-hubad si Parker!

When Friday came, mag-isa lang ako na naglinis. Sobrang kaba ko, ewan ko ba. Hindi naman alam ni Parker na wala na siyang maitatago sa akin kaya hindi niya ako pwedeng sumbatan. Itong hyperactive na konsensya ko lang talaga ang ayaw akong patahimikin.

“It’s not as if magagalit naman siya siguro…” bulong ko sa sarili habang nagvavacuum. “Okay naman siyang naka-hubad. Baka nga proud pa siya,” pangungumbinsi ko sa sarili. “Matangkad siya, makinis, may abs! Hindi ko lang nabilang kung ilan kasi naka-talikod siya madalas. Pansin na pansin ko tuloy ’yung pwet niya…” sabi ko habang unwillingly na naiisip iyong firm niya na pwet habang nagfafashion show siya sa kwarto niya.

I slapped myself. “Ano ba, Gen!” I castigated myself. It had been too long… Gosh.

Itinuon ko ang atensyon ko sa paglilinis kaysa sa pag-iimagine sa hubad na katawan ni Parker. Hindi naman mahirap linisin iyong bahay dahil wala namang naglalakat. Gusto lang siguro i-maintain. Pero nagtataka lang talaga ako dahil walang kahit ano’ng picture sa bahay na ’to. Kung meron, e ’di sana nakilala ko agad si Parker nung una ko siyang nakita… Pero wala naman akong mapagtanungan. Sure ako na wala ring alam si Jenna dahil hindi naman siya binibigyan ng personal details ng agency niya. Sideline ko lang kasi ’to at si Jenna ’yung nagta-trabaho talaga roon.

When I was almost done, inayos ko na iyong mga gamit ko para makaalis agad ako. Siguro next week kapag medyo burado na sa isip ko ang mga nakita ko, safe na ulit na magpakita ako kay Parker. Pero bago pa man ako makaalis, nakasalubong ko siya sa pinto. Natigilan siya nung makita niya ako. And as usual, naka-kunot na naman ang noo niya.

“Are you… stalking me? Because this is creepy.”

“Ang kapal, grabe!” sabi ko sa kanya. “Hindi pwede na naglilinis lang?”

“As a payment for the 90 thousand, nililinis mo ang bahay ko?” naguguluhan na sabi niya.

“Alam mo, for a future lawyer, napaka-assumero mo. Facts muna bago assumption, Sir.” Kahit naman sandali lang ako sa law school, may mga napulot naman ako. At saka nirereview ko pa rin minsan iyong mga libro kasi ayokong malimutan. I knew that one day, I’d return to school. Kapag may ipon na ulit ako. Naubos na kasi kay Tristan, e.

“Then why are you here?” he asked. I subtly checked him out. Naka-corporate attire ulit siya—balot na balot kumpara nung huli ko siyang nakita. Hindi ako makapagdecide kung mas prefer ko na may damit siya o wala. Either way, he looked good.

“Sabi ko nga, naglilinis ako.”

“Yeah, I heard. But since when? Ngayon lang kita nakita.”

“Three months na,” I said. “Same lang tayo. Ngayon lang din kita nakita.”

He nodded and then walked inside. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako sumunod sa kanya at kung bakit naka-focus ang mga mata ko sa pwet niya.

Binaba niya iyong dala niya na attaché case at saka niluwagan iyong tie niya. Napa-lunok naman ako. “I’m always at school or the firm,” sabi niya at saka tinignan ulit ako. “Pauwi ka na ba?”

I nodded. “Tapos na akong maglinis, e.”

“But why are you all red?” he asked, his forehead creased again. Agad akong napa-hawak sa mukha ko. Ano ba ’yan, Gen! Sanay ka naman na makita si Tristan kaya bakit ba masyado akong affected kay Parker?!

“W-wala,” I replied, stuttering. I fanned myself. Kalma lang, Gen. ’Wag masyadong obvious na ilang araw na binagabag ka nung image ni Parker at ng pwet niya.

“Do you have somewhere to be at?” he asked.

“Bakit?”

“Eat dinner with me,” sabi niya at napaawang ang labi ko. “Don’t worry, it’s not a date. It’s just lonely to eat alone.”

Tinignan ko siya at napa-oo na lang ako. Ewan ko ba. He seemed to be a really lonely person. Para bang gusto kong gawin ang lahat para makabawas sa problema niya. At isa pa, he’d been really nice to me. Binayaran niya iyong tuition tapos nagburlesque pa siya kahit unaware siya.

Umakyat muna si Parker para magpalit ng damit, though kung ano ang tatanungin, I prefer him kapag naka-corporate attire siya, with matching black rimmed glasses pa. Pagbaba niya, naka-cargo shorts at white shirt lang siya, but somehow, he still managed to look good. Unfair how some people just look good in everything.

“Bakit ang daming laman ng ref mo e mag-isa ka lang naman?” I asked habang tinitignan iyong ref niya. Nagvolunteer kasi siya na magluto kahit na nagsabi ako na ako na lang.

“My dad sends someone to fill the ref every week,” sabi niya.

“Ah… nasaan ang dad mo?”

“I’m not sure. The last I checked, nasa Prague siya,” sabi niya at saka naglabas ng mga lulutuin niya. “Allergic to anything?” he asked and I shook my head.

“So, mag-isa ka lang sa bahay na ’to?”

“Yes,” he said and then began to chop onions and garlic. Nakaka-amaze siya. He’s rich and everything pero marunong siyang magluto. Parker’s destroying the stereotype I built for rich dudes like him.

“Hindi ka natatakot sa multo?” tanong ko. Ang laki kasi talaga ng bahay niya tapos parang may eerie vibes pa. Kinakabahan nga ako kanina habang naglilinis mag-isa, e.

“I’m more afraid of the living than the dead,” he said.

“Why?” I asked. I just liked asking him. Ang lalim niya kasing tao. Para bang kapag mas marami kang nalalaman sa kanya, mas gugustuhin mo na mas dumami pa ang alam mo.

It’s like he’s tempting you to get closer…

“Because the living has the capability to hurt you. The dead just… scares you.”

I smiled sadly. “Takot ka na talaga na masaktan, noh?”

“Not really. I just had enough to cover me for years. Tama na muna,” he replied and gave me an equally sad smile.

Pinanood ko si Parker habang nagluluto siya. Dahil pala mag-isa lang siya sa bahay kaya wala siyang choice kung hindi ang matuto magluto. Ayaw niya rin kasi nung sa labas palagi kumakain dahil busy siya mag-aral o kaya naman tumulong sa firm nila. Kaya naman pala ang lakas magtapon ng pera, e. May firm pala, nakaka-loka!

“Bakit ayaw mo na lang kumuha ng cook?” I suggested. “Para imbes na nagluluto ka, nag-aaral ka na lang…”

“I like cooking. It’s relaxing,” sabi niya. Agreed. Nakaka-relax ang pagluluto para sa akin.

“Alam ko. Pero sayang ’yung oras kasi. Law student ka pa naman. Imbes na nagbabasa ka ng case digests, nagluluto ka,” I said. “Every second matters kaya.”

“Why do you know about case digests?” he asked habang naglalagay ng plato sa harap ko.

“I attended law school for a sem,” sabi ko habang tinitignan iyong niluto niya. Ang sarap naman! Naumay na ako sa sardinas at tuna. For a change, matinong pagkain na ang sasayad sa tiyan ko.

“Wow,” sabi niya. “Why did you stop?”

I smiled and shrugged.

“Right. Dahil sugar mommy ka nung ex mo.”

“Grabe sa sugar mommy! Hindi ba pwede na sobrang supportive ko lang talaga?”

“You misplaced your support. I can’t believe you gave up law school for your ex.”

“Ganun talaga. Pero past na naman at saka babalik naman ako sa law school,” I replied. “Kapag naka-ipon na ako.” I smiled at him and gave him the thumbs up dahil masarap iyong luto niya. “In fairness, ang sarap nito!”

“You want to study?”

I nodded. “Oo naman. Promise ko kasi kay Mama na magiging lawyer ako kaya kahit igapang ko, gagawin ko. Pero baka next year na lang kasi mag-iipon pa ako ng tuition at saka ang mahal kaya ng mga libro. Kailangan ko ng budget.” Bata pa naman ako. 22 pa lang ako. Marami pang time para mag-aral ako.

“How much do you earn from cleaning houses?” tanong niya.

“Sakto lang…”

“What’s your undergraduate degree?” he asked.

“Legal Management,” I answered. “Why?”

“I’ll hire you.”

Napa-kunot ang noo ko. “What?”

“Work for me,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin. “Be my assistant… or secretary—whichever you prefer. And in exchange, I’ll pay for your tuition next sem.”

Napaawang na naman ang labi ko. “What?” naguguluhan na tanong ko. “Bakit mo ginagawa ’to?”

“It just annoys me that you gave up your dream for someone who cheated on you. It bothers me.”

“Hindi naman tayo close kaya bakit ka nabobother?”

He smiled a little. “You remind me of someone.”

“Sino? ’Yung first love mo?”

He shook his head. “No. You’re different from Imo, trust me. And if you remind me of her, I won’t be talking to you.”

Natawa ako. “Ang bitter mo talaga, Parker. Masama ’yan. Dapat magmove on ka rin kagaya ko.”

“Bakit? Naka-move on ka na ba sa ex mo?” he asked.

“Not really… but I’m getting there. Ikaw ba?”

He looked at me and said, “Yeah… getting there.”

Kabanata 7

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 7 

Ilang beses kong inisip iyong inaalok na trabaho sa akin ni Parker. Wala namang mawawala sa akin kung tatanggapin ko. Kaya ko naman iyong pinapagawa niya. At bonus pa na libre ang magiging tuition ko sa law school. And as hard as I tried to think of cons, wala akong maisip. His offer was too good to be true… And that’s precisely the problem.

Why was he being too nice to me? Ni hindi niya ako kilala. We met a few times—inutangan ko siya at binigyan niya ako ng 91 thousand. He practically saved me from Tristan… and now, he’s giving me a chance to turn my life upside-down.

God, he’s weird! Ganito ba talaga ka-weird ang mga mayayaman? Kung ano na lang ang ma-trip-an na gawin?

And today, I shall see Parker again. Dati naman hindi ko siya nakikita sa bahay niya. Pero ngayon, palagi ko na lang siyang naabutan. And most often than not, he looked pissed—lalo na kapag pinupuntahan siya nung Preston.

Busy ako sa paglilinis nung makita ko na pababa ng hagdan si Preston. Once a week, pinupuntahan niya si Parker. Para tuloy siya ang guardian ni Parker.

“Hey,” sabi ni Preston at huminto sa harap ko. Napa-tayo ako nang tuwid. “Genesis, right?” sabi niya at tumango ako. Bakit ang gwapo ng best friend ni Parker? Wala bang pangit na kaibigan si Parker? Kasi kahit iyong Benj at Jackson ang pumunta sa bahay, parehas na gwapo rin, e.

“Bakit?” tanong ko. Hindi naman kasi kami nag-uusap nito. Madalas ko lang siya na nakikita kasi nga nate-tyempuhan ko na kapag duty ko na maglinis, iyon din iyong araw na chine-check niya kung buhay pa si Parker. Totoo naman kasi na aura ni Parker, may vibes siya na bigla na lang tatalon sa tulay.

“I’ll be gone for two weeks. Can you check on Parker for me?”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Ako?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“Bakit ako?”

He shrugged. “Why not?”

“Kasi… hindi naman kami close ni Parker para bantayan ko siya?” tanong ko na naguguluhan. Ang gulo namang kausap nitong si Preston. Gwapo nga silang magkakaibigan pero ang gulo nilang kausap. You can’t have it all talaga.

“You don’t have to be close to care. Siguraduhin mo lang na hindi nagbigti, ayos na,” he said, his hands tucked inside his pockets. Nanatili na naka-kunot ang noo ko. “Look, I won’t ask you if not necessary. Or do I need to pay you para bantayan siya?”

God. Puro pera na lang ba sa mga mayayaman na ’to?

“Fine, sisiguraduhin ko na hindi siya magbibigti. Okay na?”

He nodded. “Cool. Pero maraming technique si Parker kaya ’wag kang masyadong magfocus sa lubid,” sabi niya bago tumalikod, kumaway, at umalis. Ang weird talaga ng magbest friend na ’to. Paano sila nakakatagal sa isa’t-isa? Tuwi kasing pumupunta si Preston dito, palagi ko silang naririnig na nagsisigawan, pero so far, hindi pa naman sila nagsusuntukan. Sana ’wag. Sayang naman ’yung mukha nila kung masisira.

Nang makaalis si Preston, tinuloy ko na iyong paglilinis. Maaga kasi akong natulog dahil alam ko na sa gabi, guguluhin na naman ako ni Tristan. Seriously, ginagawa niyang hobby na dumaan sa apartment pagkatapos ng 7pm class niya. Kailangan tuloy na maaga akong matulog para hindi ko siya marinig na kumakatok.

I was already done cleaning at aalis na sana ako ng maisip ko na hindi pa kumakain si Parker. Gustuhin ko man na umalis, hindi naman kaya ng konsensya ko… tama nga kasi si Preston. Hindi man kami close ni Parker, may care naman ako sa kanya. Si Tristan nga na ginago ako, nagawa kong bayaran ang tuition, e. Si Parker pa kaya?

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto ni Parker na kainin kaya niluto ko na lang ang kung ano ang nakita kong available sa ref. Nang matapos ako, umakyat na ako at kumatok.

Nang buksan ni Parker ang pinto, naka-kunot ang noo niya. “Why?” he asked. He was wearing his glasses kaya mukhang nag-aaral siya.

“Ah… tapos na kasi akong maglinis. Nagluto rin ako ng dinner mo,” I said with a small smile. I didn’t want him to think that I was invading his privacy. Bakit naman kasi tinatak ni Preston sa isip ko na magpapakamatay ’tong si Parker kapag hindi natignan, e!

“Thanks,” he simply said. Ang seryoso niya ngayon—iba sa nung huli ko siyang nakausap. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, ang hirap tantyahin ni Parker. Minsan, ang sarap niyang kausap… Minsan naman, gaya ngayon, you have to tread lightly dahil ang seryoso niya. Balik na naman siya sa pasan-ko-ang-daigdig mode niya.

I smiled simply before I sauntered away. I really couldn’t deal with any more questions. Sure naman ako na buhay siya for today… bukas na lang ako babalik. But I wished that he wouldn’t get creative. Hindi ako magaling sa Science. Hindi ko alam kung ano’ng pills ang ginagamit kapag gustong mag overdose.

Nang makauwi ako, napa-buntong hininga na lang ako dahil nandoon si Tristan. He was sitting in front of the door while reading a thick book. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone?!

“Kung dito ka na rin pala titira sa harap ng apartment ko, e ’di sana binawi ko na ’yung bayad sa apartment mo,” I said, annoyed with how persistent he’s being.

Agad siyang napatayo nang makita ako. “Gen…” he said in his usual pleading tone.

“Umuwi ka na, Tristan. Walang bago sa sasabihin ko sa ’yo,” I said in a tired voice. Gabi-gabi na lang ba ay ganito kaming dalawa? Magsosorry siya sa akin at paulit-ulit na sasabihin ko na wala na talaga kaming chance?

Niloko niya ako, e. Sinira niya iyong tiwala na binigay ko sa kanya. At walang salita ang makakapagpabago sa nararamdaman ko. He already lost his chance… wala na.

Pero imbes na sundin ang sinabi ko, he stood up in front of me. “This is yours,” he said at inabot sa akin iyong singsing. “Ikaw lang ’yung papakasalan ko, Gen,” sabi niya habang mataman na naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. I pursed my lips and clenched my jaw. Lumalim ang paghinga ko. Kinuyom ko ang mga kamay ko.

“Ayoko,” I uttered.

Sinubukan niyang hawakan ang kamay ko. “Gen, akin ka lang.”

“Sa ’yo lang ako? Tapos ikaw? Para sa lahat?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong. Paano ko minahal ang tao na ’to? Paanong nangyari na buong buhay ko, sa kanya umikot ang mundo ko?

“That was one mistake, Gen! Bakit ba hindi mo ako mapatawad?!” sigaw niya sa akin.

“Bakit? Kung ako ba ang naabutan mo na may kasamang ibang lalaki, mapapatawad mo rin ba ako?!” sigaw ko pabalik sa kanya. Why was he being so unfair?! Dahil lang ba lalaki siya, pakiramdam niya ay mapapatawad ko siya sa ginawa niya? Dahil ano? Dahil nasa nature na ng lalaki ang pangangaliwa?!

“Bakit? May iba ka na ba?” tanong niya sa akin.

“Ano naman kung meron?” sagot ko sa kanya.

Agad niyang hinawakan ako sa braso ko. “Sa akin ka lang, Gen,” sabi niya habang humihigpit ang hawak sa braso ko. “Walang tatanggap sa ’yo dahil nakuha ko na lahat.”

Mabilis na dumapo ang kamay ko sa mukha niya. “Fuck you, Tristan!” Sinubukan ko na alisin ang kamay niya sa akin pero mahigpit niya akong hinawakan. “Bitiwan mo ako!”

“Bakit ka ba nagmamalaki?!”

“Walangya ka! Bitiwan mo ako!”

“I’ll be a fucking doctor! Dapat nga masaya ka na gusto kitang pakasalan! Ano’ng gagawin mo sa buhay mo?! Maglilinis?!”

Unti-unting sumisikip ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko akalain na ganito kababa ang tingin niya sa akin. Pagkatapos kong isakripisyo ang lahat para sa kanya… basura lang pala ang tingin niya sa akin.

Nanghina ako. Ni hindi ko na siya magawang itulak palayo sa akin.

“Just come back to me, Genesis,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. “I’m the best you’ll ever get.”

Mabilis na tumulo ang luha ko. “You’re the worst decision I ever made in my life, Tristan. Nagsisisi ako na minahal kita.”

Ni hindi ko siya magawang tignan. Lahat ng respeto na meron ako sa kanya, nawala dahil sa mga sinabi niya sa akin. Paano ko nagawang mahalin ang kagaya niya? Ang kagaya niya na sarili lang ang iniisip?

“This is the last time you’ll come near me. Isang beses na makita pa kita, pagsisisihan mo na kinausap mo pa ang basura na kagaya ko.”

---

Pagsikat ng araw, agad na pinuntahan ko si Parker. Last night was my awakening. Napagtanto ko na ilang taon ang sinayang ko. Na pangarap ko ang tinapon ko para sa isang tao na walang pakielam sa akin—sa isang tao na basura ang tingin sa pagkatao ko.

“Good morning,” I greeted matapos kong kumatok. “Natulog ka ba?” tanong ko kay Parker. Kagabi, nag-aaral siya nung umalis ako. Ngayon, nag-aaral pa rin siya. Hindi ba siya marunong tumigil?

“Why… are you here?”

Nahihiya ako. I blatantly rejected his offer because it was too good to be true… but last night made me realize that I needed to do something with my life. Na sa buong existence ko sa mundong ito, ang naging contribution ko lang ay bayaran ang tuition ng walang kwenta kong ex at ang magbigay ng carbon dioxide sa mga halaman. I needed to be more productive.

“About your offer…” sabi ko. Tinignan ko siya kaya nalaman ko na naka-tingin din siya sa akin. Nagsimula na naman na bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. “Does you offer still stand?”

“What changed?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Then why are your eyes… swollen?”

Agad akong napahawak sa mga mata ko. Nilagyan ko na ’to ng yelo, e! Akala ko hindi na halata! “Wala.”

“If you’re going to work for me, I need full disclosure,” he said.

“I’m applying as your assistant, bakit kailangan ng full disclosure?”

“Because I won’t work with someone I don’t trust,” he simply replied.

“You trust me?” I asked, hindi makapaniwala. He just met me!

“You’re stupid enough to pay for your ex’s tuition… Only someone stupid and kind will do that,” he said, without a trace of amusement in his voice. Naiinis talaga siya sa ginawa ko na ’yon. I didn’t understand why he was so bothered. Ako naman ang nagbayad. Ako naman ang nawalan.

I gave him a small smile. “I just… want to do something with my life.” Tinignan ko siya. “Buong buhay ko, kay Tristan lang umikot ang mundo ko… At ngayon na wala na kami, gusto ko na ayusin iyong mundo ko na umikot sa kanya.”

Parker was staring at me… like he was trying to know me by soul. Hindi ko alam kung ganito lang ba talaga siyang tumingin. Everything about him was intense. He seemed so hard to reach… but for some reasons, he’s here. He’s in front of me. He made it easy for me to reach him.

“Alright,” he breathed.

I blinked. “Talaga?”

He nodded. “We’re two messed up souls… we should help one another,” he said while gazing into my eyes. “But I have conditions.”

I wiped the stupid tear that dared leave my eye. Tinignan ko siya nang maayos. “Okay,” I replied.

“No more Tristan.”

“Noted. Ano pa?”

“And try your best to move on,” he continued.

“Okay. But I have a condition, too,” I said and then stared back at him. Pakiramdam ko ay matutunaw ako dahil sa tingin niya. But I tried to look serious. He’d helped me enough even though he didn’t need to. Gusto kong matulungan din siya.

“No more Imogen, Parker. Move on. Move on with me,” I said, not breaking the gaze.

Kabanata 8

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 8 

It was hard to keep my promise to Parker when Tristan made it his life’s mission to bother me. Nung kami pa, ni hindi siya makauwi ng apartment dahil sa dami ng inaaral niya. Ngayon na wala na kami, parang gusto niyang tumira sa paligid ng apartment ko para lang guluhin ako. If not for the history we shared, kukuha talaga ako ng restraining order laban sa kanya. He’s being too much!

Maaga akong naghanda dahil unang araw ko sa trabaho ko kay Parker. Hindi ko alam kung legit ba na trabaho dahil wala naman siyang nabanggit na SSS o GSIS o PAG-IBIG na benefits. Pero ano bang pakielam ko? Libre na ’yung tuition ko, mag-iinarte pa ba ako?

Mabuti na lang at wala si Tristan sa labas ng apartment kaya naman nakaalis ako nang maluwalhati. Agad akong pumunta sa bahay ni Parker. He didn’t mention any time pero dahil professional akong tao, papasok ako ng 8 am at uuwi ng 5 pm para office hours talaga ang peg.

Pagdating ko sa bahay niya, as usual ay walang tao. Hindi ko alam kung paano nakakatagal si Parker na siya lang ang tao sa bahay… It’s kinda sad and scary, at the same time. Nabanggit na ni Parker sa akin iyong sa tatay niya pero ayoko naman na magtanong. It was obvious that his father was a sore topic for him. Ayokong pakielam ang mga bagay na wala namang kinalaman sa akin.

“Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sa ’yo…” I mumbled as I stared at his sleeping form. Naka-subsob ang mukha niya sa lamesa habang nagkalat ang mga highlighers at ballpens sa lamesa niya. Maybe he’s really trying to kill himself by studying.

“Imogen, whoever you are, ang swerte mo…” pagpapatuloy ko. Parker’s doing his best to be busy. Hindi ko man siya lubusang kilala, ramdam ko na ginagawa ’to ni Parker para mawalan siya ng panahon na isipin ang mga bagay na makakasakit sa kanya. Ganoon din kasi ako. Hangga’t maaari, gagawin ko ang lahat para hindi na pumasok pa sa isipan ko si Tristan…

Siguro nga pareho kami ni Parker. Parehong nasaktan. Parehong sinusubukan na mabuhay kahit mahirap.

Tahimik ako na bumaba para magluto. I figured I should cook for Parker. Sigurado ako na hindi pa kumakain iyon simula kagabi. Napansin ko kasi na hindi siya mahilig kumain kapag siya lang. Siguro kagaya nang sinabi niya na malungkot kumain kapag mag-isa.

God, ang lungkot niya talagang tao. Parang gusto ko na lang na pangitiin siya at ipaalam sa kanya na life’s still worth living.

I prepared pancakes and bacon for him. Bilang assistant niya, kailangan ko na rin na malaman ang mga gusto niyang kainin. Gusto ko siyang tanungin pero minsan, ang hirap kasing tanungin ni Parker. His mood’s constantly changing. Para siyang panahon na paiba-iba. Siguro si Preston na lang ang tatanungin ko.

When I was done eating, umakyat na ako para gisingin si Parker. I gently nudged him. “Parker…” I called his name. He was stirring so I continued to slighly shake him. “Hey…” I cooed. Dahan-dahan na dinilat niya ang mata niya. “Breakfast,” I said.

“What?” he said with his raspy voice.

“Kain ka na,” I continued.

“It’s Sunday,” he said in his half-asleep state. “Why are you here?”

Pinilit ko na sumagot kahit medyo na-distract ako sa itsura niya. Gulu-gulo ang buhok niya at para inaaninag niya pa ako. Ngayon ko lang siya nakita ng hindi naka-suot ng salamin. Ang ganda pala ng mata niya…

“Ah… nagluto ako,” I said, trying my best to stay focused.

“Why?” he said, his voice still rough. Tumayo siya at nag-inat. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nung sumilip ang V-line sa bewang niya. God, Genesis! Nakita mo na ng hubu’t-hubad ’yang si Parker kaya bakit affected ka sa ganyan?!

Ayan! Naalala ko na naman iyong burlesque show ni Parker!

“Trabaho ko, ’di ba?” I reminded him dahil baka hindi niya na tanda. Baka lutang pala siya nung kausap ko siya dahil sa dami ng inaaral niya.

Naglakad siya papunta sa mini-ref sa kwarto niya at kumuha ng tubig. “Yeah, but it’s a Sunday.”

I shrugged. “I have nothing better to do, anyway,” sagot ko sa kanya. Wala akong uuwian na magulang. Wala akong masyadong kaibigan dahil palagi akong busy para magtrabaho. I only had Tristan before… and now, I only had myself.

Tinignan ako ni Parker. He didn’t say anything but the silence felt comforting. Ayoko na maawa siya sa akin… the same way na alam ko na ayaw niya na maawa ako sa kanya. We’re both hurting but we didn’t want others to know of our pain. Siguro kasi kapag alam ng iba, it makes it feel more real…

“What did you cook?” he asked, instead.

“Pancakes and bacon,” I answered as we were on our way down. I appreciated that he didn’t ask me personal questions. I didn’t feel too comfortable sharing my deepest thoughts with him yet. He’s still a stranger to me.

“May allergy ka ba?” I asked.

“Why?” he answered as he began to cut his pancake.

“Para alam ko ang lulutuin ko sa hindi.”

He creased his forehead. “You don’t have to cook for me,” he replied. “Your job’s to help me with my requirements.”

“I know,” I said. I smiled at him. “But I want to,” I continued. Gusto ko na magluto para sa kanya. I just wanted to care for him… There’s something about him that made me want to just take care of him and be protective of him. Para kasing naranasan niya na lahat ng paghihirap sa mundo kaya naman gusto ko na ’wag na siyang masaktan.

Maybe he’s already been through too much… Tama na ’yun.

Parker just looked at me but didn’t say anything. Pinagpatuloy niya na ang pagkain niya at nang matapos siya, tinanong ko kung ano ang gusto niyang kainin.

“Wala ka bang favorite?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I eat anything.”

“Hindi ka allergic sa kahit na ano?” He nodded. “Sure ka? Baka magulat ako namamaga ka na dyan,” sabi ko. Dati kasi, hindi ko alam na allergic pala sa peanut butter si Jenna tapos binigyan ko ng peanut butter cookies. Muntik ko na siyang mapatay nun!

“Then it’ll be a surprise,” he said, shrugging. Tignan mo ’to, wala talagang regards sa buhay niya.

Pagkatapos niyang kumain, umakyat na siya. Naghugas ako ng pinagkainan niya tapos ay tinignan ko ang ref niya kung ano ang pwede kong lutuin. Marami siyang stocks kaya naman marami akong choice. Nung matapos kong iprepare ang mga gagamitin ko mamaya, umakyat na ulit ako.

“May ipapagawa ka?” I asked him. I tried not to focus on the fact that he was wearing his glasses again. Hindi ako makapagdecide kung mas bagay sa kanya iyong walang suot o meron—salamin ang binabanggit ko!

“Do you know how to digest cases?”

“Oo naman, grabe ’to!” I said, defensive. May kinuha siyang halos two inch na kapal na mga papel at inabot sa akin. “Lahat ’to?”

He nodded. “Kaya mo?”

“Oo naman,” I said. “May extra laptop ka?” tanong ko sa kanya. Mahirap kasi kung isusulat ko pero kung wala… wala rin naman akong choice.

Instead of answering me like a normal person, tumayo siya. Akala ko ay kukunin niya ang laptop niya pero kinuha niya lang iyong wallet niya tapos ay naglakad na siya palabas. I was not moving. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa niya.

“Let’s go,” he said, holding the door open.

“Ha? Saan tayo pupunta?”

“Getting you a laptop.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “What?!” But of course, wala akong sagot na nakuha dahil nagsimula na naman siyang maglakad pababa. Seriously, napaka-nice talking kausap ni Parker! Malapit na akong maniwala na bipolar siya! Iba-iba ang takbo ng pagkatao niya!

Pagbaba namin, sa garahe kami pumunta. May apat na sasakyan doon. Himala na wala ang helicopter niya. He clicked the key fob and the black Subaru Forester roared.

“Hindi ko naman kailangan ng laptop,” I said, trying to sway his mind. “Kaya ko naman na isulat na lang.” As usual, he was ignoring me again. Siguro na-master na ni Parker ang pag-ignore sa mga tao sa paligid niya.

Pagdating namin sa mall, nanlaki ang mata ko nung sa Power Mac kami pumunta. Seryoso ba?! Macbook ang bibilhin niya?!

I was seriously slightly shaking habang nasa loob kami nung store. Ni sa panaginip ko ay nagawa kong pumasok dito. Ayoko kasi na pumasok dahil alam ko naman na hindi ko mabibili. Sasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko sa pagtingin sa mga bagay na alam ko na imposible na mapasaakin.

“Try holding this,” sabi niya at saka pinahawak sa akin iyong Macbook Pro . “Mabigat ba?”

“Okay lang,” I replied. “Bakit?”

“If this is heavy for you, we’ll just get Macbook Air, “ sabi niya habang seryoso na naka-tingin sa akin. I fought the urge to bite my lower lip. Hindi ko alam… Alam ko naman na wala lang ’to kay Parker. Maybe he’s just being nice to me dahil sa tingin niya, ang tanga-tanga ko.

But he shouldn’t be like this.

He shouldn’t be too caring to someone who just got her heart broken.

“Okay lang,” I repeated.

“Sure?” I noddded and smiled a little. But maybe I wasn’t convincing enough kaya naman ang binili niya ay iyong pinaka-manipis na Macbook na kulay rose gold.

Nang makalabas kami sa Power Mac, si Parker ang may dala nung paper bag. Tahimik lang ako na naglalakad sa gilid niya. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung saan kami pupuntang dalawa. We were just silently walking.

“Next week’s finals already,” biglang sabi niya.

“Ah, sige. Tawagan mo na lang ako kung may ipapagawa ka,” agad na sabi ko sa kanya. Alam ko na busy week ang finals dahil sa dami ng pinapagawa. Kahit naman sandali lang ako sa law school, ramdam ko iyong dami ng workload. Hindi ko rin masisi si Parker kung bakit iniisip ni Preston na nagpapakamatay siya sa pag-aaral. Maybe he’s not just doing it to forget Imogen… baka naman busy lang talaga siya sa pag-aaral.

Bakit? Lahat ba ng bagay na ginagawa ni Parker ay dapat konektado doon sa Imogen?

“No, what I mean is, prepare your requirements,” he said.

“Para sa?”

“Enrollment,” he replied.

“Sa St. Claire’s talaga ako mag-aaral?” hindi maka-paniwala ko pa rin na tanong. Buong buhay ko kasi hindi ko naisip na posible na mag-aral ako sa school na ’yun!

“Yeah. Ayaw mo?”

“Hindi, ah!” I quickly replied. “Classmate tayo?”

A small smile appeared on his face. Pero sandali lang. Parang rainbow ang mga ngiti ni Parker… bihira lang magpakita pero kapag nakita mo, alam mo na worth it.

“I’m ahead of you,” he said.

“22 na kaya ako!”

“And I’m 23,” he replied. He used his free hand to tousle my hair. “Mas matanda ako sa ’yo,” he said, clearly amused with the fact that he’s older than me.

Nang makauwi kami, nagtatalo pa kami ni Parker kung kailangan ko talaga siyang galangin dahil mas matanda siya nung mapa-tigil siya. Napa-tigil din ako dahil sa kanya.

“Tita…” he said, clearly stunned. Iyong babae sa harap namin, lumilipat ang tingin sa akin at kay Parker. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Just visiting you…” sagot nung babae. Sinabi niya iyon pero ang tingin niya, nasa akin. Imposible na siya ang Mama ni Parker dahil alam ko na patay na ang Mama niya… Sino ba ’tong nasa harap ko? And why was Parker so flustered by her appearance?

“H-hi,” I said, trying to introduce myself dahil naiilang na ako sa tingin nung babae sa harap ko. “G-Genesis po…” I said, my voice slightly shaking. Wala namang ginagawa iyong babae kundi tignan ako, pero ewan ko ba… Something about her was terrifying kahit tingin lang.

“Hi, Genesis. I’m Imogen,” pakilala niya sa akin. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Siya ba ang Imogen na kinalolokohan ni Parker?! Bakit ang tanda na?! Matrona ba ang type ni Parker?!

Kabanata 9

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 9 

Hindi ako maka-galaw sa kinauupuan ko. Hindi pa rin kasi ako makapaniwala na nasa harap ko na ang babaeng kinalolokohan ni Parker. Na sa wakas, mayroon ng mukha iyong Imogen na matagal ko ng iniimagine ang itsura! At hindi naman sa pakielamera ako pero… ganito ba talaga ang type ni Parker? I mean, maganda naman si Imogen! Pero parang masyado na ’tong matanda para sa kanya!

Psh. Ang kapal ng mukha niya na sabihin na wala akong taste dahil na-in love ako sa gago na si Tristan tapos siya, matrona naman pala ang type? Kapal talaga ng mukha!

I wanted to excuse myself dahil hindi ko alam kung bakit nakaupo rin ako kasama sila. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit nakikinig ako sa usapan nila. Gusto kong sabihin na sa kusina muna ako at gagawa ng kung anuman pero ni hindi ako makapagsalita! Swear, may something doon sa babae na kinahuhumalingan ni Parker kaya ni hindi ako makapagsalita! Parang anytime e ready na siyang bumuga ng apoy!

“Are you doing fine, Parker?” malambing na tanong ni Imogen.

“Yes, Tita…” kalmado na sagot ni Parker. Siguro ang hirap ng sitwasyon ni Parker… Biruin mo, kailangan mong tawagin ng Tita iyong babaeng mahal mo?

“Are you sure? We’re worried about you,” sabi nung babae at inabot iyong kamay ni Parker na nakapatong sa lamesa at hinawakan. God! Kaya naman pala hindi maka-move on ’tong si Parker dahil hanggang ngayon, nagbibigay ng motibo itong si Imogen! Nakakabaliw naman!

Pakiramdam ko ay nahigit ko ang hininga ko habang pinapanood ko ang mga susunod na mangyayari. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Nangako ako kay Parker na tutulungan ko siya na makalimot pero paano ko gagawin iyon? May respeto ako sa mga matatanda. Hindi naman pwede na i- shoo ko na lang si Imogen… Or should I call her Tita Imogen? God! Nakaka-baliw talaga!

“Really, I’m doing fine, Tita,” Parker repeated.

“Is this about the wedding?”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Wow. Pag-uusapan talaga nila ang kasal niya?! In a crooked way, bagay silang dalawa. Si Parker na masokista at si Tita Imogen na sadista. Match made in heaven.

Halata na nag-iba ang aura ni Parker nang mabanggit ang kasal. I felt him. Alam ko na masakit para sa kanya na makasal si Imogen… Siguro may Oedipus complex itong si Parker kaya nagkagusto siya dito kay Imogen na halos pwede na niyang maging nanay…

“No,” Parker said in a low voice. Kahit na isang simpleng no lang ang sinabi niya, ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin na hindi siya maayos. Na sa mga susunod na buwan, hindi pa rin siya magiging maayos.

This wasn’t just a broken heart. Parker was broken. He was broken, not just his heart. And it made me want to protect him. Sobra na siyang nasaktan.

I was about to tell Imogen to stop doing this. Siguro nga nag-aalala siya kay Parker. Pero paano makakaahon si Parker sa nararamdaman niya kung patuloy siyang hihilahin pabalik sa pinanggalingan niya?

But even before I could say anything, nakapagsalita na ulit siya. “If you’re really doing fine, visit us. I’m sure the twins miss you already,” sabi ni Tita Imogen. Napaawang ang labi ko. Why was she like this?! Hindi pa ba sapat na pinapaasa niya si Parker, tapos ngayon, pati mga anak niya, gusto niyang mahalin din ni Parker?!

Natanggal na sa akin ang korona. Confirmed na. Si Parker ang pinaka-masokistang tao na kilala ko.

“Sure. I’ll try some time. Paki-kamusta na lang din ako kay Tito,” sabi ni Parker. Paano niya nagagawang kamustahin ang lalaki na pinakasalan ng babaeng mahal niya? Maybe he’s fucked in the head. Kaya siguro ang dali sa kanya na magtapon ng pera dahil may sira talaga siya sa ulo.

Nang matapos ang pagbisita ng mahal ni Parker, pakiramdam ko ay drained na ang buong pagkatao ko. Hindi ko kinaya ang mga nangyari. Hell, I couldn’t comprehend a single thing that happened! Isa lang ang alam ko at sigurado ako… naaawa ako kay Parker. At the same time, gusto ko siyang saktan. It was one thing to love someone who’s already married… but it’s a whole different thing to attach yourself to her family! Ganoon na lang ba siyang ka-patay na patay kay Imogen para kayanin niya na makita ito na mayroong ibang pamilya?

Love… really. Sobrang complicated.

---

Ilang minuto na simula nung makaalis si Imogen pero si Parker, hindi pa rin bumabalik sa normal. Nasa kwarto na naman siya at nagkukulong. I was willing to bet na nag-aaral na naman siya. Studying was his escape… nagpapakalunod siya sa tuwing may nararamdaman siya na ayaw niyang maramdaman. And maybe it’s better this way. Na sa mabuting paraan niya nililipat ang atensyon niya. But until when? Until when would he hide from his feelings? Because he couldn’t run away forever. One day, he’d have to deal with his feelings. And I was afraid that when that day comes, he’d just run again… hanggang sa wala na siyang matakbuhan.

Hanggang sa sumuko na siya.

Hanggang sa… tapos na.

Nung kinagabihan, oras na para umalis ako pero hindi ko maiwanan si Parker. I just felt that he needed someone. Someone who’d be there for him and not leave him. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay iyon lang naman ang kailangan niya. Iyong tao na hindi siya iiwan… kasi kapag ang alam mo lang na pakiramdam ay ang maiwan, sigurado na matatakot ka ng sumugal sa kahit na sino.

Kasi kahit ilang beses mong sabihin na sanay ka ng masaktan, mayroon pa ring isang parte sa iyo na namamatay tuwing sinasaktan ka. Because humans couldn’t just turn off their emotions at will. We’d continue hurting… that’s the flaw of being alive.

“Hi,” I said. Napa-hinto siya sa ginagawa niya nung magsalita ako. Tinignan niya ako. “Dinner na.”

“I’ll eat later,” sabi niya. Alam ko naman na kapag umalis ako rito na hindi siya kumakain, malaki ang chance na hindi talaga siya kakain.

“Sige na. Kahit 5 minutes lang,” I urged. “Or kahit 2! Dadalhin ko rito sa kwarto mo ’yung pagkain. Kahit stay put ka na lang dyan,” I said and then ran downstairs para kuhanin iyong niluto ko. Pagbalik ko sa taas, balik na naman siya sa pagbabasa. See? Kung hindi ako namilit, malamang sa malamang e kakain si Parker kapag pakiramdam niya ay hihimatayin na siya sa gutom! Dapat talaga dito may kasama sa bahay na magpapa-alala sa kanya na tao siya at kailangan ng tao na kumain para magfunction.

“Parker…” I called habang busy siya sa pagkain. “Ayaw mo ba talagang kumuha ng maid? Kahit magluluto lang para sa ’yo?” I asked. Worried kasi talaga ako sa kanya.

“I’m fine,” sagot niya. Para bang automatic na sagot niya na iyon dahil lahat yata ng tao sa paligid niya ay worried sa kanya. And why wouldn’t we? Para kasing one step away na lang siya sa pagpunta sa after life! And I wasn’t even kidding! Nasa mukha niya talaga na pagod na siya sa buhay!

Wala pang dalawang minuto ay tapos na siyang kumain. Agad ko siyang inabutan ng tubig dahil sure ako na nabulunan siya dahil sa bilis niya. Kinuha ko na iyong pinagkainan niya at dinala sa baba. Ayoko naman na kulitin ulit siya dahil baka mainis na siya sa akin. Pumayag na nga siya na kumain, e. I didn’t want to push it.

Pagbaba ko, nilinis ko muna iyong pinagkainan niya tapos ay nagprepare ako ng snacks na pwede niyang kainin kapag nagutom siya. Finals niya na kasi at alam ko na mahirap mag-aral kapag gutom ka.

Nasa gitna ako ng paggawa ng protein shake para kay Parker nung makita ko siya. Papa-labas yata siya nang mapahinto siya at pumunta sa kusina. Narinig niya siguro ’yung tunog ng blender.

“I thought you’re leaving?” he asked. Suot niya pa rin iyong salamin niya tapos medyo gulo iyong buhok niya. But why did he still look so freaking good kahit mukhang kaka-gising niya lang?!

“Ah…” I said. “Gumawa muna kasi ako ng snacks mo para mamaya,” sabi ko at napaawang ang labi niya. “Pero paalis na rin ako, don’t worry. Bakit ka nga pala bumaba?” tanong ko at saka ko lang napansin na may hawak siyang susi ng sasakyan.

Naka-tingin si Parker sa akin na parang hindi niya na agad masabi ang gusto niyang sabihin. I wanted to tell him to stop looking at me that way. I didn’t really feel comfortable kapag ganyan siyang tumingin. Iyong para bang ikaw lang ang babae sa mundo… kahit na alam ko naman na may feelings pa siya para kay Imogen na parang nanay niya na sa tanda.

“I… wanted to drive you home,” he said, dahan-dahan.

“Ha? Bakit?” sabi ko naman na naguguluhan. Finals na. Every second counts! Ako nga nung first sem ko, kahit na gusto kong magmental breakdown e hindi ko magawa. Sayang din iyong ilang minuto na iiiyak ko. Ilang pages din iyon na sana ay nabasa ko kung hindi ako umiyak.

“It’s already night. Delikado umuwi mag-isa.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko pero mabilis ko na iniayos ang sarili ko. ’Wag ka nga, Gen. Kung mabait man si Parker, dahil ’yan tanga ka sa paningin niya. Sa sobrang tanga ko dahil sa mga ginagawa ko para kay Tristan, awang-awa na si Parker sa akin kaya naman mabait siya. Iyon lang ’yun. Hindi ko dapat bigyan ng ibang kulay ang pagiging mabait niya.

“Sanay naman ako,” sagot ko.

“Still, I instist,” he said.

“Mag-aral ka na lang,” sabi ko naman. Kahit naman kasi isiksik ko sa utak ko na harmless ang pagiging mabait ni Parker, alam ko na kung palagi kaming magkasama at kung ganito siya na mabait sa akin, hindi malayo na magkaroon ako ng feelings para sa kanya. At hindi dapat mangyari ’yun. He’s still clearly in love with someone else. It would be emotional suicide to fall for someone like him.

Masakit magmahal sa tao na may mahal na iba.

“Sayang ’yung oras kapag hinatid mo ako imbes na mag-aral ka,” I continued.

“It won’t be wasting my time if I get to make sure that you get home safely,” he said, looking at me with those eyes of his! Agad kong iniiwas ang tingin ko. Danger! Danger ahead! Iyan ang sigaw ng matinong parte ng utak ko.

“Sanay naman akong umuwi mag-isa,” sabi ko ulit. Kung kanina, ayoko lang na ihatid niya ako dahil sayang ang oras, ngayon ay ayoko na lalo na ihatid niya ako dahil baka kung ano pa ang mangyari. I didn’t want him to be this nice! Masyado na siyang mabait sa akin! Para niya akong inaakit na magkagusto sa kanya kahit naman alam ko na walang mangyayari sa amin dahil may mahal siyang iba.

He’s making me want to hurt myself again by falling for someone who’s captured by someone else.

“Iiwan ko na lang ’to dito tapos kunin mo na lang kapag nagutom ka,” sabi ko sa kanya habang nilalagay sa tumbler iyong shake at sa plato iyong sandwich. Kinuha ko na iyong gamit ko at tinignan ko siya. “Babalik na lang ako bukas ulit,” I said and then quickly walked away from him.

Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. He wasn’t even touching me yet I was already this affected. I didn’t know what was with him para maapektuhan niya ako nang ganito.

Papalabas na sana ako ng pintuan nung may biglang humawak sa braso ko. I immediately flinched upon the contact. Para akong nakuryente.

“Gen…” he said, his voice was so gentle na parang gusto ko siyang sakalin. He shouldn’t be this nice! Para siyang lalaking paasa! Mabait sa ’yo kahit alam mo naman na walang chance!

“What?” I replied, trying to contain myself.

“I’ll drive you home,” he said. Iyon ang sinabi niya pero sa pandinig ko, para bang I’ll drive inside you ang narinig ko. Ramdam ko na biglang namula ang mukha ko. Napa-kunot ang noo ni Parker. “Something wrong?”

Agad akong umiling at inalis ang hawak niya sa akin. “W-wala,” sabi ko at pilit na kinalma ang sarili ko. God. Ganito na ba ako ka-dry na kahit inosenteng mga salita ni Parker ay kung anu-ano ang naiisip ko?!

“You sure? Your face is all red,” concerned na sabi niya.

Napa-hawak ako sa mukha ko. Ang init din ng mukha ko! At iyan na naman! Nagreplay na naman sa utak ko iyong itsura nung pwet ni Parker! My goodness, Gen!

“A-ayos lang ako,” I said, not entirely convincing. “S-sige na. Umakyat ka na…” I said, almost begging him. Any more second with him would surely drive me nuts! Kapag tinignan ko ang mukha ni Parker, automatic na naiimagine ko ang pwet niya.

“No, seriously, ihahatid na kita.”

“Mag-aral ka na.”

“I won’t be able to study if I’m worrying about you,” sabi niya. Gosh. Sobrang paasa naman nito!

“Magtataxi ako tapos send ko sa ’yo ’yung plate number,” I convinced him.

“Ano’ng gagawin ko sa plate number kung napatay ka na?” he asked.

“Patay agad? Hindi ba pwede na na-holdup muna?” Napaka-cynical talaga nito!

“I’m just thinking of the worst scenario,” he said and then put his hands inside his pockets. Ang gwapo niya lalo! Ultimo simpleng gesture niya lang, affected na agad ako! Gusto ko tuloy bigla kuhanin iyong salamin niya at basagin dahil mas lalo siyang nagiging cute sa paningin ko.

“And I can use a break. I’ve been studying non-stop,” sabi niya at saka tinignan na naman ako gamit iyong tingin niya na parang ang goal ay tunawin ako. “So… please?”

Napa-buntong hininga na lang ako. Paano ba mag no sa kanya kapag ganito siya magtanong?

“Fine,” I said, giving up.

Habang nagddrive siya papunta sa apartment ko, hindi ko maiwasan na tignan siya. He’s so fucking perfect… kung hindi lang sana siya sobrang wasak sa loob. Why would I even try to fall for him? Parang sasaktan ko lang din ang sarili ko. I didn’t want to invest myself on someone who’s still hang-up on someone else. And he’s still obviously in love with Imogen.

“Do I have a dirt on my face?” he asked while his eyes were still on the road.

“H-ha? Wala,” mabilis na sabi ko.

“So, why are you staring?” he asked again. I smiled, instead. I didn’t think it was proper to tell him na nag-iisip ako ng mga dahilan para pigilin ang sarili ko sa pagkakaroon ng nararamdaman para sa kanya.

Because falling for Parker? It’s a heartbreak waiting to happen.

Pagdating namin sa apartment, hininto na ni Parker ang sasakyan.

“Thank you,” I said after unbuckling the seatbelt. I wanted to be out of his car as soon as possible. Sobrang intoxicating ng presensya niya.

“I’ll walk you to your—”

“Okay na talaga ako,” sabi ko. I needed to stand on my ground. I needed to draw a line between us. Ayoko na masyado siyang mabait. Ayoko na mas lalong bigyan ang sarili ko ng pag-asa kahit na alam ko na wala namang mangyayari.

Mabilis akong lumabas pero bago pa man ako maka-tatlong hakbang, narinig ko na naman ang boses ni Parker.

“What’s your problem?” he asked. Napa-hinto ako.

“Wala akong problema,” mabilis kong sagot.

“Then why do I feel like you’re ignoring me?”

“I’m not ignoring you.”

“Then what are you doing?” he asked, taking a step closer. Iniwasan ko na tumingin sa mga mata niya dahil alam ko na malulunod lang ulit ako. “Why do I feel like you’re pushing me away?”

I pressed my lips and tried to remain impassive. “How can I push you when we’re not even close in the first place, Parker?”

Kabanata 10

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 10 

Hindi ako sigurado kung nabigla lang ba ako kaya nasabi ko iyon sa kanya. But one thing was for sure… I was just guarding my heart. I didn’t want to fall in love yet. I didn’t want to get hurt too soon. Baka kasi sa pagkakataon na ’to, hindi ko na kayanin.

Parker was just looking at me, his face devoid of any emotion. Alam ko na dapat magsalita ako pero wala akong salita na maisip para sabihin. I knew I needed to say sorry, but a part of me didn’t want to.

A part of me wanted to stay away from him—far away from him.

Ilang segundo na naka-tingin lang kami sa isa’t-isa. Gusto kong hatakin ang oras para bumilis pero pakiramdam ko ay mas lalo lang bumabagal. And when I felt droplets of water pouring, at saka lang ako nakahanap ng sasabihin.

“Malapit ng umulan. Umuwi ka na,” I said. He just nodded and turned his back on me. And why the fuck did it sting a little? I just did the right thing! It was right to tell him to back off. Ayoko na maging rebound niya, o siya na maging rebound ko. We’re both from failed relationships and it would only cause us more harm kung pagpapatuloy namin ito—kung anuman ang tawag sa ginagawa namin.

Maybe I’d been too nice to him, too… but he’s making me want to take care of him! Just one look at him and I wanted to envelop him in a hug. I wanted to shield him from everything… but I also wanted to protect myself. Paano kung nahulog ako sa kanya? Sasaluhin niya ba ako? Handa niya bang ipagpalit iyong mother figure niya para sa akin?

Ang daming uncertainties. At hindi ko kayang sumugal.

---

The next day, however awkward it was, pinilit ko na pumunta pa rin. After all, trabaho ko naman na tulungan siya sa kahit ano na kailangan niya. Pagdating ko sa bahay, nagtaka ako dahil may kasabay ako na papasok.

“Si Parker Palma po?” tanong sa akin nung lalaki.

“Sino po kayo?”

“Ay, delivery po. Nandyan po ba sa loob?” tanong niya at saka may nilabas na form at pina-pirmahan sa akin. Nang tignan ko iyong nasa loob ng paper bag, nakakita ako ng mga pagkain.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman. It was me who practically told him to fuck off kaya bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko? Bumili na si Parker ng pagkain niya—at ito lang naman ang ginagawa ko kaya nandito ako. Dapat maging masaya ako. Tinupad niya iyong sinabi ko sa kanya. Hindi na siya nagiging paasa dahil sa ginagawa niya.

But why did it still suck?

Hawak ko iyong paper bag. Alam ko na dapat ko na lang iwan iyon pero may nagtulak sa akin na umakyat at dalhin ito sa kanya. I gently knocked on the door and it was open.

“Good morning,” I greeted. He was by his desk, and religiously studying, as per usual. Alam ko na narinig niya iyong boses ko, pero pinili niya na ’wag akong tignan.

“Nandito na ’yung pagkain mo,” I announced. He remained silent. “Iiwan ko na lang dito.” At hanggang sa makalabas ako, wala akong narinig mula sa kanya.

Sa mga sumunod na araw, ganoon ang nangyari. Tuwing umaga, darating ako at ako ang magrereceive sa pagkain na dinadala para kay Parker. Aakyat ako sa taas at ibibigay ko sa kanya iyong pagkain. And then he would act like he didn’t hear anything at all.

But he employed my services… kaya naman kahit wala akong ginagawa, I opted to stay and just read books habang nagpapalipas ng oras.

“Nasa taas si Parker,” sabi ko kay Preston nung pumunta siya.

“Sulking?” he asked and I nodded. Ano bang bago?

“Pero puntahan mo. Baka kailangan ng kausap at mapanis na ’yung laway nun,” I snarkily commented. I was still annoyed na halos isang linggo na akong hindi pinapansin ni Parker! Sinabi ko lang naman na hindi kami close, hindi ko naman hiniling sa kanya na tratuhin ako na parang multo.

“Why? He’s not talking to you?” Preston asked and then sat in front of me. Feeling close din ’tong si Preston, e.

“Hindi. Ewan ko ba dyan sa kaibigan mo,” I commented out of frustration. Alam ko naman na of all people, hindi dapat ako magsumbong kay Preston. Gago kaya ’tong magbigay nga advice! Minsan, narinig ko na binibigyan si Parker ng tips kung paano successfully na makakapagcommit ng suicide!

“Why? What did you do?”

Tumaas ang kilay ko. “Aba! Bakit ako agad ang may kasalanan?!”

“Because Parker’s a pretty rational guy. He won’t ignore you if you didn’t do anything,” he said, shrugging. “So, what did you do?”

Bumuntong-hininga ako at saka sinabi iyong nangyari nung isang araw. Sinimulan ko sa pagdating dito nung mother figure ni Parker pero hindi pa man ako natatapos, halos mamatay na si Preston katatawa.

“Fuck!” he said while in the fits of laughter. Abut-abot naman ang pagkunot ng noo ko dahil sa reaksyon niya.

“What?! Bakit ka ba tawa nang tawa?!” sabi ko. Nakaka-offend kaya na tinatawanan ka kahit wala kang idea kung may nakakatawa ba sa sinabi o ginawa mo!

He was already tearing up dahil sa sobrang pagtawa. Kulang na lang ay gumulong siya sa sahig sa sobrang saya niya. Para silang opposite poles ni Parker! Iyong isa na depressed, at ito naman na sobrang saya palagi. Hindi ko alam paano naging best friends ang dalawa na ’to!

“Sige, tawa pa,” sabi ko nung isang minuto na ang lumilipas pero ang saya niya pa rin.

“Sorry,” sabi niya habang pinupunasan iyong mata niya na naiiyak na sa katatawa. “Fuck. Did you seriously think that Parker’s in love with my mom?” sabi niya at naiyak na naman sa pagtawa.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Gosh. Best friend pa ni Parker ang anak ng mahal niya?! Gaano ba ka-sira ang ulo niya?!

“My God…” I whispered upon realizing how fucked up Parker’s life was. He seriously needed to check himself. Hindi na healthy na ganito siya ka-close sa pamilya nung babae na nanakit sa kanya.

Naka-tingin si Preston sa akin at naiiling habang may tumutulo pa rin na luha sa mga mata niya dahil sa sobrang saya niya.

“Seriously, I’ll introduce you to my wife,” sabi niya. “Pareho kayong baliw at mahilig mag-assume.”

Tumaas ang kilay ko. “May asawa ka?” hindi makapaniwala na tanong ko. May papatol pala sa human troll na ’to.

He raised his hand and showed me his ring. “Got hitched in Vegas,” he said, cocking his brow. There was a small smile on his lips. He looked happy. Good for him.

“Congrats,” I said. Good luck na lang sa babae na nagpakasal sa kanya. Kailangan niya ng mahabang pasensya dahil sobrang gulo ni Preston, base sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya.

“But seriously, hindi in love si Parker sa nanay ko. He’s in love with my sister… who’s unfortunately already married, so, ’wag mo ng isipin si Imo, she’s not a threat,” he explained and then meaningfully wiggled his brows. Naka-kunot pa rin ang noo ko. “My sister has the same name as my mom. Long story.” Nilabas niya iyong phone niya at may pinakita siya sa akin. “This one is my mom,” sabi niya sabay turo doon sa picture. “Seriously? Paano mo naisip na may gusto si Parker kay Mama? Ang creepy mo.”

I glared at him. “Bawal ba magkamali?!” Akala mo ang perfect ng biscuit na ’to!

“This is the one you’re looking for,” sabi niya sabay pakita sa akin nung litrato nung isang babae. Ang my heart just sank further… How the fuck do I compete with someone like that? She looked like a freaking angel! Kaya naman pala depressed na depressed si Parker!

“Mas lalo mo lang pinasakit ang ulo ko,” I said.

“Bakit?”

“Ang ganda naman ng kapatid mo,” I honestly told him. “Mas okay pa yata kung in love si Parker sa Mama mo. At least lamang ako sa pagiging young and fresh.”

Parang diring-diri si Preston sa mga sinasabi ko. Pero totoo naman kasi! Mas lalo lang akong naniwala na dapat pigilin ko kung anuman ang posibleng maramdaman ko para kay Parker. Ayoko na masaktan lang ako dahil sa kanya…

“Trust me, Parker and Imo won’t happen. Ever. Maybe in some lifetime, but not in this lifetime,” he said, trying to make me feel better. “Anyway, whatever it is that he did, I’m apologizing on his behalf. He’s going through a tough time. Cut him some slack,” he said and then tapped my shoulder before standing up and going upstairs.

Even if he’s not in love with the Imo I met… he’s still in love with someone named Imo. How did that make anything better?

Habang nasa taas si Preston, pinagpatuloy ko ang pagbabasa nung mga materials na natira sa akin nung nag-aaral pa ako. Kailangan kong i-refresh lahat ng mga natutunan ko. Ayoko naman kasi na masayang iyong pampaaral sa akin ni Parker. Alam ko kasi iyong feeling ng nagpapaaral dahil ilang sem ko ring pinag-aral iyong walangyang si Tristan.

Halos isang oras din ang lumipas bago bumaba si Preston mula sa taas.

“There’ll be a family dinner tomorrow. You should come,” he said.

“Family ba tayo?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Nope. But you’re Parker’s date.”

Tinaas ko na naman iyong kilay ko. “At sino ngayon sa ating dalawa ang assumera?” Ni hindi nga ako pinapansin ni Parker, tapos magiging ka-date ko pa?!

“C’mon. He needs your support.”

“Malaki na ’yan. Kaya niya ang sarili niya.”

“Imo’s attending. He’ll need you.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Imo?” As in iyong Imo na totoong gusto ni Parker? Hindi iyong Imo na mother figure ni Parker?

Preston nodded. “Yeah. She’ll be coming home with Saint. I’m sure Parker will appreciate your present,” he said and then tapped my shoulder again.

---

Kinabukasan, hindi ko alam kung assumera lang ako kagaya ng sabi ni Preston pero nagdala talaga ako ng susuotin ko. Judging based on what I knew about Preston, sure ako na formal iyong dinner kaya naman nagdala ako ng pwedeng suotin. Alam ko na na talo ako sa face value pagdating doon sa Imogen Jr., pero pwede naman akong bumawi sa ibang aspect. Nagdala rin ako ng push-up bra para kahit sa aspect na ’yun e magka-extra points ako.

When night time was about to fall, sa wakas ay bumaba na rin si Parker mula sa kwarto niya. Pasimple talaga akong naglagay ng baby monitor sa kwarto niya para naman aware ako na buhay pa siya. Basta may mga naririnig lang ako na sounds, sure na ako na buhay siya. Delikado kasi talaga iwan ’to mag-isa… lalo na ngayon at nasa Pilipinas na naman pala ang kinababaliwan niya.

“You can go home,” he said upon seeing me.

“Hanggang mamayang 5 pa ako,” I said at napa-tingin sa relo. May five minutes pa ako.

“I’ll still pay for your tuition, don’t worry,” sabi niya at dumiretso sa ref para kumuha ng tubig. Paano kaya na hindi siya pumapayat e halos hindi na nga siya kumakain? Judging from his arms, may muscles, e. Tapos maugat pa. God. Tigil na, Gen!

“Go home.” But I didn’t move. He looked at me. “Go. Home.”

“Ayaw.”

He looked at me, his face stoic. Para akong naka-tingin sa bato. “What do you want?” he asked. I wanted to tell him that I just wanted him to be okay, but I knew such comment was unwarranted. Wala akong karapatan na sabihin sa kanya iyon—katulad ng wala siyang karapatan na paasahin ako dahil sa mga ginagawa niya.

“I want to be of help,” I replied, instead.

“I don’t need help.”

“You do,” I said, staring into his eyes.

“Suit yourself,” sabi niya at saka nilagpasan ako.

Pero bago pa man siya maka-layo sa akin, nagsalita na agad ako. “You’ll see her again.” Napa-hinto siya. Tama ako. Ganito niya ka-mahal si Imo… na tipong pronoun pa lang para sa kanya, sapat na para tumigil ang mundo niya.

Paano ako lalaban sa ganoong klase ng pagmamahal? Iyong tipo na inuubos niya ang sarili niya para sa kanya?

“You’re see her again. With someone else. Can you handle that?” I asked him and then stood in front of him. His eyes were dead… probably mirroring his heart. “Can you handle seeing her happy with someone else?”

Silence enveloped us… but the silence only heightened the sound of his heart breaking.

“Let me help you,” I said, looking at him. Tinignan niya ako. I smiled at little… although it pained me knowing that he’s this hurt. That after everything, he still hurt for her. “I can be your bandaid… para hindi niya malaman na masakit pa rin,” I said and then pointed at his heart.

Kabanata 11

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 11 

“I don’t need saving,” he said. He was in denial… or maybe he was hurting enough at alam niya sa sarili niya na walang ibang makaka-tulong sa kanya bukod sa sarili niya. At ayaw niyang tulungan ang sarili niya. Na baka kuntento na siya sa ganito. Na humihinga pero hindi nabubuhay. Existing but not living. But it was not okay. It wasn’t fair that he’s throwing his life away like this…

He needed someone who’d remind him that life’s still worth living.

Na kahit masakit, dapat maniwala siya na dadating iyong panahon kung kailan mare-realize niya kung bakit nangyari iyong mga nangyari.

And maybe I wasn’t that person… but I’d like to try.

“Sure,” I replied, looking into his eyes so that he’d know that I was serious. This was a suicide for myself—iyong sabihin ko sa kanya na pwede niya akong gamitin. But somehow, the idea didn’t scare me. Siguro kasi alam ko na sa aming dalawa, ako iyong mas kaya pang masaktan.

I could take more pain. I could endure a little bit of hurting… pero siya? Hindi ko sigurado kung kaya pa nga niya ang masaktan.

“But I want to,” I continued. “You can just tell her that I’m a friend.”

“Why would I? It’s not as if she’d care,” sagot niya.

“Maybe she won’t care, but we both know that you care, Parker. Otherwise, you won’t be killing yourself studying just to forget her.”

Tinignan niya ako—na para bang sinusukat niya kung ano ang nasa isip ko. Gusto ko lang naman siyang tulungan. Gusto ko lang bawasan ang problema niya kahit papaano. Hindi ko naman ipipilit ang sarili ko sa kanya. I just wanted him to know that if ever he needed to escape, I was a willing accomplice.

I’d help him lessen the pain. In whatever way I could.

“Would you rather see me doing drugs?”

I clenched my jaw. I hated it when he’s like this. Na lahat na lang ng sasabihin ko, babaliktarin niya. “You know that’s not what I am trying to say,” mahinahon na sabi ko sa kanya. “This is not a false dilemma, Parker. This is not some syllogisms you study. Your life is not some fucking case. It’s not either this or that. You have choices. Utilize those choices, Parker.”

“Stop. Meddling.”

Nagsimula na siyang umakyat pero mabilis ko siyang sinundan. I knew I was already overstepping the boundary, but if I wouldn’t, who would try to reach out to him?

“Parker, please!” I said, running after him. “You’re better than this. This is just a nightmare—” Napa-tigil siya at saka tinignan ako. Nakita ko na naman iyong mga mata niya—iyong mga mata niya na pagod na sa lahat ng nangyayari sa kanya.

“This is not a nightmare. Because if this is a nightmare, I get to wake up. But I won’t be waking up, Genesis,” he said. My name sounded so different when it was him who was saying it. “I live it. Every. Fucking. Day,” he continued. Even from where I was standing, I could see him breathing heavily. “I’m just trying to get through every day. Don’t make it harder than it already is.”

Napaawang ang labi ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. At pinanood ko siya hanggang sa mawala siya sa paningin ko.

Nang mawala si Parker, nanatili lang ako sa baba. I just… wanted to be there for him. Na kahit ayaw niya na nandito ako, sapat na sa akin basta alam niya na may isang tao na naghihintay para sa kanya.

Nagpapalipas oras ako habang nagbabasa ng libro ng may matanggap akong text. Agad na kumunot ang noo ko nung mabasa ko sa message na si Preston iyon. Seriously, may lahi bang stalker iyong isang ’yun? Hindi ko maalala na binigay ko sa kanya ang number ko!

‘When are you coming? –Preston.’

‘Not coming. Also, paano mo nakuha ang number ko?’

Pero imbes na magreply, biglang tumawag siya. Ayaw ko sanang sagutin dahil nauubos ang enerhiya ko tuwing kausap ko si Preston, pero gusto ko rin ng kausap. Nakaka-bore talaga kapag wala akong kausap dito sa bahay ni Parker. Malapit ko na ngang kaibiganin iyong guard sa sobrang boredom, e.

“What? Bakit hindi kayo pupunta?” sabi niya.

“Ayaw niya,” sabi ko. “At saka bakit ba kailangan na nandyan si Parker?”

“He’s family.”

“But you know that he’s not fine. Alam mo na nandyan iyong kapatid mo tapos papapuntahin mo si Parker dyan? Wala ka bang pakielam sa kaibigan mo?” hindi ko maiwasan na sabihin. It had been eating me up all day. Na bakit kailangan na nandoon si Parker? Na bakit kailangan na makita niya na masaya iyong si Imogen kasama ang asawa niya? Haven’t they tortured Parker enough?

Hindi ba pwede na pabayaan muna nila hanggang sa maging okay? Kasi kung ganito na palagi nilang hinahatak pabalik, paano makakaahon iyong tao?

Hindi agad naka-sagot si Preston. He knew I was right. Na sa ginagawa nila na ’to, mas lalo lang nilang pinapahirapan si Parker.

“He needs to get over it,” sagot ni Preston.

“And he’ll get over it. But don’t shove it down his throat,” naiinis na sabi ko. Why couldn’t they understand? Hindi porke sinabi mo na magmove on, automatic na mawawala iyong sakit na nararamdaman. It takes time! Hindi ’yan magic na bigla na lang mawawala!

Muli na namang natahimik si Preston. Ayoko na awayin siya. Alam ko na katulad ko, concerned lang din siya kay Parker. But he’s showing his concern the wrong way. Kasi kapag ganito na pinipilit niyang ipakita kay Parker na wala na, na dapat na siyang sumuko, hindi niya tinutulungan si Parker. He’s just showing him what he lost. Of the what could’ve beens. Of the lost opportunities. Of the cruel what ifs.

Hindi closure ang makukuha ni Parker. Mas maraming panghihinayang lang ang mapapala niya.

“Just… congrats sa kasal mo, Preston. Pero hindi pupunta si Parker,” sabi ko bago ko ibinaba iyong tawag. Akmang bubuksan ko na sana ulit iyong binabasa ko nung mapansin ko na nasa hagdan si Parker at naka-tingin sa akin. Napaawang iyong labi ko pero agad na inayos ko ang sarili ko. “Uh… tumawag si Preston. Sinabi ko na na hindi ka pupunta.”

Naka-tayo lang siya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Should I apologize for cornering him earlier? O tumahimik na lang ako? Ang hirap niya kasing tantyahin. Pabago-bago ang mood. Parang time of the month niya palagi.

“Have you eaten dinner?” he asked instead.

“H-ha?” naguguluhan na tanong ko.

“Gutom ka na ba?” tanong niya ulit.

“Hindi pa naman…” sagot ko. He’s changing subjects pero mas mabuti na siguro ’to. Mas okay na ’to kaysa naman magkulong na naman siya sa kwarto niya. Kulang na lang lagyan ko si Parker ng extension na buhok pwede na siyang maging Rapunzel, e. Imbes na sa tower, sa kwarto nga lang siya naka-kulong.

“I’m hungry. Let’s eat,” sabi niya.

“Hala, hindi ako nakapagluto. Akala ko kasi…”

He raised a brow. “Akala mo?”

I looked at him. “Akala ko pupunta tayo sa dinner,” I replied.

“Tayo?” he asked. “Kasama ka?”

“Hala, syempre. Kailangan mo ng moral support,” I said, trying to lighten the mood that was dark for the past few days. I could feel that he’s warming up to me again. I shouldn’t screw this up. Kapag kasi nabwisit ko si Parker, it usually took him days bago niya ako kausapin ulit ng normal.

“Bakit ko kailangan ng moral support?”

Tinignan ko siya. “Sasagutin ko talaga ’yan?” I asked and he nodded. “Syempre… nandoon si Imogen Jr.”

“Jr?”

I nodded. “Iyong totoong gusto mo. Dalawa pala silang Imogen. Akala ko…”

It took him seconds before he realized what I was trying to say. Biglang nandiri iyong mukha niya. Parehong-pareho sila ng expression ni Preston nung nalaman. Parang natatae na hindi maintidihan.

“What the fuck, Genesis?!” sabi niya na ngayon, para namang nasusuka.

“I didn’t know!” I tried to explain again. “Bakit naman kasi pareho sila ng pangalan? Mahal na mahal lang ni Imogen Sr. ang sarili niya kaya pinangalan niya ang anak niya sa kanya?!”

Naiintindihan ko pa iyong sa mga lalaki kasi normal naman na kasi na pinapangalan sa tatay! Pero iyong sa nanay? Ngayon lang ako naka-tagpo. Nakaka-lito kaya! Kapag nagsasalita si Preston, hindi ko alam kung nanay ba niya o kapatid ang kinu-kwento. Mas lalo naman si Parker! Hindi ko alam kung iyong mother figure ba niya o iyong anghel ang iimagine-in ko! I was confused!

Iyong mukha ni Parker ay parang nandidiri pa rin. “So that fucking explained it,” mahinang bulong niya at saka tinignan ako. “Why you were acting so weird…” I was sure it was disgust written on his face. “All this time, you thought I was in love with Tita?” hindi makapaniwala pa rin na tanong niya.

I nodded. “Well, maganda naman siya… medyo matanda nga lang. Pero love is blind! And love knows no age! Malay ko ba?” I pursed my lips. “Masisisi mo ba ako? Akala ko may Oedipus Complex ka.”

He slowly shook his head. “Sira ulo.”

“Aba! Ako pa? Ako pa talaga?!” Grabe maka-sabi ’to ng sira ulo! Walang preno! Akala mo naman ang tinu-tino niyang tao. Hiyang-hiya talaga ako!

Tuluyan na siyang bumaba mula sa hagdan habang iiling-iling pa rin. “Crazy girl,” he murmured.

“Totoo naman. Totoo kaya ang Oedipus Complex ,” I told him. “Possible naman talaga na ma-in love ka sa mother figure mo,” I explained. May psychological explanation naman, in case na in love nga siya kay Imogen Sr. Hindi ko naman siya ija-judge… masyado. Pero at least talaga kung kay Sr. siya in love, at least ay lamang ako sa freshness at pagiging young. At sure ako na mas perky ang boobs ko.

Huminto si Parker sa harap ko tapos inilagay niya iyong index finger niya sa gitna ng noo ko. “She’s not my mother figure. And she doesn’t even remind me of my mom.” Pinitik niya ang noo ko. “And please, don’t ever speak of this again. Nakaka-diri.”

“Grabe ka naman sa kadiri. Maganda naman siya,” I defended Imogen Sr. kahit na nasusungitan talaga ako sa kanya kahit ni hindi niya naman ako kinausap nung nandito siya.

“Jesus, Genesis, just drop it. The thought gives me the creeps,” sabi niya. Napa-ngiti ako dahil at least nagiging magaan na ulit iyong mood niya. This was a start.

I acted like I was zipping my lips up. “Okay,” I said and then beamed. “Pero saan tayo kakain?” I asked. Nagutom din ako sa ginawa kong pangangaral kay Preston.

Parker grabbed on of the keys and we walked side by side hanggang sa makarating kami sa garahe. “What do you want?”

“Uhm… gusto ko ng unli wings,” I said. “Nagke-crave ako.”

Pumunta kami ni Parker sa pinaka-malapit na resto na may unli wings and beer. At least dito nag-e-enjoy ako. Sure ako na kung pumunta ako sa dinner sa bahay nila Preston, baka kahit buto e hindi ako makakain. Sobrang nakaka-tense pa naman iyong nanay niya! Alam mo iyong kahit wala siyang sabihin, kahit simpleng tingin niya lang e kinakabahan na ako?

“Isang serving pa po!” I told the waiter nung maubos ko na iyong isang service ng buffalo wings. Sayang naman iyong bayad ni Parker kung hindi ko susulitin. Siya kasi beer lang ang iniinom, e.

“Aren’t you full yet?” he asked, naka-tingin sa plato ko na parang nagulat sa dami ng kinain ko.

“Duh? Unli kaya dito! Syempre kailangang sulitin!”

“Saan mo dinadala iyong kinakain mo? Ang liit-liit mong tao,” sabi niya.

“Hindi ako maliit. Matangkad ka lang talaga.”

Umiling siya. “No. You’re tiny. What’s your height? Did you even reach five feet?”

“Grabe! 5’1 naman ako!” I defended myself.

“Paano ka seseryosohin sa court kung mukhang elementary ’yung height mo?” he asked, and then drank his beer. Na-tempt ako na isungal-ngal sa kanya iyong bote ng beer. Makapanglait palibasa matangkad.

“Maghi-heels ako, para matahimik ka.” Mabuti na lang at dumating iyong bago serving ng wings kaya hindi ko na ulit pinansin si Parker. Nag-enjoy ako sa pagkain habang napapailing na lang siya sa dami ng kinakain ko. Bakit ba siya worried? Hindi naman dadami iyong babayaran niya dahil kasama naman ito sa unli na promo. Dapat nga matuwa siya sa akin kasi sulit iyong binayad niya, e.

I was in the middle of enjoying my wings when I noticed that his phone was vibrating endlessly. “Si Preston?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah,” he replied and then drank his beer again.

“Kulit niyang kaibigan mo,” I said. “Patayin mo na lang ’yung phone mo,” I suggested. Last day na ng finals niya. Mas maganda na focused na lang siya sa pag-aaral kaysa nagiging constant reminder si Preston na nandito ulit sa Pilipinas iyong tao na ayaw maalala ni Parker.

“He’d just find another way to annoy me,” sabi ni Parker.

Ang hirap ng sitwasyon ni Parker… kasi iyong mga kaibigan niya, lahat konektado sa tao na gusto niyang kalimutan. Ang hirap na ngang magmove on… tapos mas mahirap pa kapag lahat ng bagay sa paligid mo, pinapaalala sa iyo iyong gusto mong malimutan.

Nang matapos na kami, nagpaalam si Parker para magCR. Hinihintay ko siya nung biglang kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa nakita ko. He left his phone on the table and he was browsing facebook. Biglang lumitaw sa newsfeed niya iyong post ni Preston.

‘Welcome to the family, Nari. Hindi ako naniniwala sa sukob. Walang naka-pigil.’ At naka-lagay doon iyong picture ng buong pamilya niya. There were few comments from their friends… at nandoon din iyong babae na kahit hindi ko pa nakikilala ng personal, parang ayoko na sa kanya agad.

Mary Imogen Gomez de Liaño: totoo ang sukob, Kuya. Kapag kayo minalas…

Blaine Preston Suarez: matagal ka ng sinukob. Tignan mo pa lang ’yung asawa mo, minalas ka na

It was a harmless banter but everything about it bothered me. Parang ang unfair kasi na masaya sila habang may isang tao na nasasaktan. I knew it wasn’t their fault for finding happiness… pero pwede ba na ’wag nilang isampal sa mukha ng iba?

So, I did the unthinkable. I unfollowed Preston in Parker’s account… and I unfriended Imogen.

Kabanata 12

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 12 

The next few days were normal. Busy si Parker dahil sa huling araw ng finals niya. Akala ko medyo luluwag na iyong schedule niya pero kapag pala bakasyon niya, halos sa law firm naman nila siya tumitira. He assisted in depositions and in some paper works na kaya niyang gawin. I was impressed dahil talagang dedicated siya sa pagiging abogado pero minsan, nakakaawa din. Kung hindi ko lang talaga siya kinukulit na kumain sa tamang oras, sigurado ako na magcocollapse na siya sa sobrang dami ng ginagawa niya.

Sa tuwi ring hawak niya iyong cellphone niya, hindi ko maiwasan na kabahan. Alam ko kasi na magagalit siya sa akin kapag nalaman niya iyong ginawa ko. And I knew I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t my place to decide. But it was maddening to see him go around in circle. Paulit-ulit. Palagi niyang tinitignan iyong mukha ni Imogen.

He’s so fucking in love with her.

“Lunch na,” I reminded him habang nakaharap siya sa isang pile ng mga papel na binabasa niya. Hindi nauubos ang binabasa niya. Palaging may nadadagdag.

“Yeah,” he mindlessly replied while his eyes were still busy scanning the paper. “Go first.”

I sighed and then went oustide. Mabilis lang akong kumain tapos binilhan ko na lang siya ng pagkain. Pansin ko kasi na kapag immersed na siya sa ginagawa niya, hindi na talaga mapapaalis si Parker sa upuan. He’s workaholic—or studyholic. Basta doon lang talaga naka-tuon ang atensyon niya.

“Ako na lang ang magttranscribe. Kain ka na,” I volunteered. Halos isang oras din kasi iyong deposition para sa case na tumutulong si Parker. Ni hindi pa nga siya natatapos sa pagbasa doon sa mga restrictions, kaya alam ko na kung hindi ako tutulong sa pagtranscribe, malamang e dito na naman siya matutulog—na ginagawa niya simula nung matapos iyong klase.

While he was eating, his phone rang. Ganito yata kapag guilty ka sa isang bagay na ginawa mo, palagi ka na lang kinakabahan.

“What?” Parker replied upon answering the phone. Alam ko na si Preston ang kausap niya. Dalawa lang naman kasi ang sinasagot na tawag ni Parker—iyong tawag ni Preston at ng Papa niya. Tapos sa iba, text lang. He’s the enclosed. Ayaw niya na talaga na magpapasok pa ng ibang tao sa buhay niya.

“Nasa office,” he replied. He closed his eyes at saka sinandal iyong ulo niya sa headrest. Ilang araw na rin siyang late matulog kaya alam ko na hindi na mabuti ang pakiramdam niya.

“I don’t know. Maybe tonight. Why?” he said again.

I tried to focus my attention on what I was doing. Nilakasan ko iyong volume nung pinapakinggan ko kasi ayoko na na makinig sa usapan nila Parker at Preston. I felt guilty enough sa ginawa ko… but even then, I didn’t regret my decision. I didn’t care if I’d look like I was the bad guy in Parker’s perspective. I just wanted him to move on—isang bagay na hindi niya magagawa kung palagi niyang tinitignan iyong mukha nung babae na dapat niyang kalimutan.

The hours passed by quickly. Hindi ko namalayan, gabi na pala. Naghahanda na sana akong umuwi nung sabihin na Parker na may pupuntahan pa kami.

“Do you have plans for tonight?”

“Depends. Bakit?”

“Preston’s asking us to come over.” Biglang namutla ako. Gosh. Nalaman na kaya ni Preston iyong ginawa ko? At saka hindi ako ready na makita si Preston. Naaalala ko na naman iyong mga sinabi ko sa kanya.

“Why?” Parker asked. “Ayaw mo ba?”

Dahan-dahan akong umiling. “H-ha? Hindi naman…”

“So, do I tell him that we’re coming or?” tanong niya sa akin.

“Kailangan ba nandun ako?” tanong ko sa kanya.

Parker looked at me and nodded. “You said I need moral support.” Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. God. So… nandoon din iyong Imogen?! “So… will you come with me?”

Napatigil ako sandali sa paglalakad. Parang bigla akong nahilo. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tamang dapat kong isagot. Gusto kong sumama para supportahan si Parker… pero parang ayoko rin kasi nagi-guilty ako sa ginawa ko.

And for some reasons… I didn’t want to meet Imogen. I didn’t want to get to know her. I was sure she’s nice—kasi bakit naman siya magugustuhan ni Parker kung hindi? But for me, she would always be the reason why Parker’s hurting.

I looked at Parker and sighed. “Gusto mo bang pumunta?” I asked him.

“Yes… no… maybe,” magulong sagot niya. “Hindi ko alam.”

“But what do you want?”

He placed his hands inside his pocket and looked at the stars above. Ang ganda pala ng langit pero heto na naman kami, pinag-uusapan iyong kalungkutan ni Parker. Nalungkot na naman ako.

“I want to get over her.”

“And you will.”

“How can you be so sure?”

I smiled. “Because she’s not the one for you.” Napa-tingin siya sa akin. “Kasi kung siya ’yung para sa ’yo, kayo talaga. Pero hindi, ’di ba? Para kayong intersecting lines. Nagtagpo lang. Pinagtagpo pero hindi tinadhana.”

Hindi ko alam kung saan ko nahuhugot iyong mga sinasabi ko kay Parker. Gusto ko lang talaga na maintindihan niya na hindi para sa kanya si Imogen. Na hindi natapos ang pag-ikot ng mundo nung nagpakasal siya sa iba.

That it’s true that there are plenty of fishes in the sea.

“Then all the more reason to see her,” he replied and then resumed walking. Tahimik akong sumunod hanggang sa makarating kami sa sasakyan niya. Habang nagddrive siya, hinahanda ko na iyong sarili ko. Makikita ko na kasi talaga siya. Iyong dahilan ng pagkabaliw ni Parker. Iyong dahilan kung bakit hirap na hirap akong pangitiin itong katabi ko.

When we entered an executive village, mas lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

“I know you probably think that Imo’s the bad guy since you only know the story from my perspective,” sabi niya habang diretso ang tingin sa daan. “But she’s one of the nicest people I know.”

Ang unfair, noh? Naka-sakit na siya, pero hindi pa rin siya magawang pagsalitaan ng masama ni Parker. Na kay Imogen na talaga ang lahat.

“Sure,” I blandly replied.

“You’ll like her.” I doubt it.

Nang makarating kami sa bahay nila Preston, ni hindi na ako nagulat. Alam ko naman na mayaman si Preston, so, no surprises here. Naka-sunod lang ako kay Parker habang naglalakad siya papasok.

“Ni hindi ka man lang nagpalit?” bungad ni Preston nung makita namin siya.

“Pasalamat ka nga pumunta ako,” sagot naman ni Parker. “Si John?”

“Taas. Natutulog,” Preston replied. Napansin niya ako. He nodded at me. Hindi ko naman siya masisi kung ganito lang iyong bati niya sa akin kasi napagsabihan ko rin naman siya. I just awkwardly smiled at him.

Ano ba ’tong pinasok ko?

Parker asked me kung okay lang na maiwan muna niya ako sandali kasi may ipapakita daw si Preston sa kanya. Tumango na lang ako dahil ayoko naman na isipin niya na hindi ko kayang mag-isa. Kaya habang wala sila, naglakad-lakad lang ako.

“Hi,” sabi nung babae na naka-salubong ko.

“Hello,” I replied. “Ah… kasama ako ni Parker.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. “Ikaw si Genesis?!” sabi niya. Nagulat ako ng sandali dahil ang taas ng boses niya. Ang hyper naman nito. “Hala, sorry! Nagulat ba kita? Ako nga pala si Nari,” she said and then offered her hand.

“Hi,” I replied. “I’m Genesis.”

She smiled. “I know. Palagi kang kinu-kwento ni Preston,” sabi niya.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha? Bakit naman?”

“Pakielamero kasi ’yun. Ginawa niyang project iyong buhay ni Parker. Updated nga ako sa mga nangyayari, e,” sunud-sunod na sabi niya. Hindi ko napansin na nakaupo na pala kami ni Nari at kung anu-ano na ang sinasabi niya.

“Hala, sorry, ang ingay ko ba? First time kasi na may babae ulit na nandito sa bahay. Puro lalaki kasi ang dumadalaw kaya na-excite lang ako na may babae na,” she continued, smiling.

“Okay lang,” sagot ko. “Uh… sorry nga pala kung hindi naka-punta si Parker doon sa dinner.”

She dismissively waved her hand. “Okay lang. Kung hindi nga lang required na nandoon ako, hindi rin ako pupunta, e,” sabi niya. “Wine?” she offered.

“Okay lang,” I answered. Ayoko kasi na uminom at baka kung ano ang lumabas sa bibig ko mamaya. Kailangan behaved lang ako.

“Sure?” she asked again. “Kailangan ko kasing malasing dahil hindi ako sigurado kung pupunta si Mother Biscuit dito mamaya.”

“Mother Biscuit?”

She nodded. “Mother-in-law ko,” she replied. “Na-meet mo na ba siya? ’Wag kang matakot masyado. Kapit lang tayo sa kabaitan ni Father Biscuit.” Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang mga sinasabi ni Nari—siguro dahil na rin nakaka-ilang baso na siya ng wine kaya kung anu-ano na ang sinasabi niya.

Nari was in the middle of interrogating me nung may dumating. Agad na napatigil ang mga mata ko nung makita ko siya. She looked like a fucking apparition. Was she even real?!

“Tara, pakilala kita kay Mary,” Nari said, trying to pull me with her. I tried to stop her pero lasing na yata si Nari kaya wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang magpahatak sa kanya.

Habang hinahatak niya ako, na kay Imogen lang ang mga mata ko. She was smiling gently and she looked so nice! No wonder patay na patay si Parker sa kanya! I mean, look at her! Maganda, maputi, matangkad, at mabango pa!

“Mary!” Nari said. She obviously loved her sister-in-law. Lumapit si Nari at niyakap si Imo—na Mary din ang pangalan. Ang gulo!

“Hi, Ate,” Imo gently replied. God. Kahit ang boses niya, ang ganda at lambot pakinggan. “Si Kuya?”

“Nasa study room,” Nari replied. “Hi, Saint!”

Nalipat iyong attention ko sa lalaki na katabi ni Imo. So… ito iyong lalaki na pinakasalan. Akala ko niloloko lang ako ni Parker kapag sinasabi niya na natalo siya sa santo… literal na santo pala ang pangalan.

“Hi,” Saint replied, smiling, too. Imo and Saint looked good together. They seemed attuned with each other. Kapag may gagawin si Imo, automatic na aalalayan siya ni Saint. Kapag hindi naka-tingin si Saint, naka-tingin si Imo sa kanya habang naka-ngiti.

Paano… matatagalan ni Parker ’to? Paano niya kakayanin na makita iyong babaeng gusto niya na in love na in love sa asawa niya? This was torture!

“Anyway… this is Genesis!” pakilala sa akin ni Nari. I wished she wasn’t drunk! Baka kung ano ang sabihin niya! Aware pa naman siya sa nangyayari dahil apparently, chinichismis ni Preston sa kanya lahat. Ang chismoso talaga ni Preston!

“Hi, Genesis,” Imo said, waving at me while smiling. Pati si Saint ay tipid akong nginitian.

Nagpakilala na lang pero hindi ko sinabi na kaibigan ako ni Parker. I didn’t what made me omit that piece of information… dapat nga sabihin ko na girlfriend ako ni Parker para malaman nila na okay na si Parker. But… they were so nice to me. It felt so freaking wrong to hate them.

Pumunta lang ako sa CR sandali dahil naiihi ako sa mga nangyayari. Sana hindi pumunta si Imogen Sr. dahil baka atakihin na talaga ako sa nerbyos sa mga nangyayari! Pagbalik ko sa sala, wala na si Imo at Nari. Si Saint lang ang nandun.

I grabbed the nearest bottle of wine and got myself a glass. Maybe Nari was right, after all. I needed to get drunk to get through this night.

Doon ako pumwesto sa kaharap na sofa nung kay Saint. Hindi naman kami close para tumabi ako sa kanya. Pasimple ko ring tinitignan iyong itsura niya. I mean, I get the appeal. Gwapo naman si Saint, mukhang mabait, tapos English speaking din… Pero okay rin naman si Parker, ah! Gwapo, umi-English din, moody nga lang.

Nang matapos na iyong iniinom ko na wine, tumayo ako para kumuha ulit. Hinahanap ko iyong lalagyan ng mga wine. Naka-ilang liko na ako dahil malaki iyong bahay nila pero nung akala ko nakita ko na iyong hinahanap ko, napa-tigil ako dahil narinig ko iyong boses ni Parker.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Nagkaroon ng sandaling katahimikan. Napa-yakap ako sa hawak kong bote ng wine. I knew I shouldn’t be listening. This was Parker’s life. And he was talking to Imo again. Ito ’yung gusto kong mangyari… na mag-usap na sila para magkaroon ng closure… but why didn’t I like what I was hearing?

“That’s… good to hear.”

Tapos sandaling katahimikan. I felt the awkwardness.

“I’m fine. We’re fine,” sabi ni Parker. “I’m sorry I didn’t go to your wedding.”

Fuck. He was invited?!

“Okay lang…”

“I’m happy you’re happy.”

“Talaga?” Imogen asked.

“Yes. I’m still not fine with everything… but I’m happy that you’re happy, Imo. You know I just want you to be happy.”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sumisikip iyong dibdib ko sa mga naririnig ko. Alam ko naman na mahal ni Parker si Imogen… but hearing it first hand? It felt different. It stung.

“Gusto rin naman kitang maging masaya, Parker. I want you to be happy more than anyone else… Kaya naiintindihan ko kung ayaw mo na akong makausap.”

“What?”

“You unfriended me in Facebook. Naiintindihan ko naman kasi—”

“What? I didn’t unfriend you.”

Fuck. Sa sobrang gulat ko, bigla kong nabitiwan iyong bote ng wine.

Bigla silang napa-tingin sa pwesto ko. Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

“Did you… do that?” Parker asked. Hindi ako maka-galaw. I felt like I was paralyzed in my position. “Did you meddle with my phone?” ulit na tanong niya.

Naka-tingin si Imogen sa akin. Naka-tingin si Parker sa akin. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin.

But slowly, I nodded. “Yes,” sagot ko. There was no way out. And I was a little bit drunk.

“Why?” Parker asked.

“Because you should forget her.”

“And I will,” Parker replied.

“You won’t. She’s everywhere. And she’s with you right now! Paano mo siya makakalimutan kung hindi mo man lang susubukan na tanggalin siya sa sistema mo?!”

Parker clenched his jaw. I didn’t know why I was shouting. Maybe I was just frustrated with everything that was happening. And I was frustrated because I couldn’t hate anyone but myself. They were all nice people but they were hurting Parker dahil pinipilit nila na maging okay kahit hindi naman maayos!

“Who gave you the impression that you can delete someone from my life?” kalmadong tanong niya pero ramdam na ramdam ko iyong galit niya.

“I just want to help…”

“You’re not helping me. You’re making me angry, Genesis.”

Kabanata 13

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 13 

“Naked Thursday?”

I groaned. “Yes, please!” Mabilis na inayos ko ang mga gamit ko at naghandang umalis. The past few weeks had been tedious. Every second of my day was accounted for—8 to 5 pm were spent in school habang iyong 5 pm hanggang 9 pm ay nasa law firm ako para magsort ng mga gamit. Pag-uwi ko sa apartment, nagbabasa ako ng mga required readings. Heck, I was lucky kung maka-dalawang oras ng tulog ako.

Pagbaba ko sa lobby, agad na nakita ko iyong sasakyan. Mabilis akong naglakad doon at pumasok. I just wanted to have a good time tonight. Pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw na talaga ako kapag aral at trabaho lang ang ginagawa ko.

“Busy?”

“Yeah,” I replied at saka pinatay iyong cellphone ko. We had this rule—no phone during Naked Thursdays. Ito lang kasi iyong araw na hindi namin iniisip iyong nangyayari. It was like… freedom.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko habang nasa daan pa. I just had this crazy recitation earlier—at nagkataon pa na iyong nag-iisang case na hindi ko binasa kagabi dahil antok na antok na ako, iyon pa iyong natapat na tinawag ako. So, I had to endure the whole 5 hours worth of recit na naka-tayo. At kaunting sermon na paano ako magiging lawyer kung tamad akong magbasa. Same old stuff, nothing new.

Nang makarating kami, agad na umorder kami ng beer.

“Are you sure pwede kang uminom ng beer?” I asked.

Nari rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. “Gosh, para ka na ring si Preston! Hindi nga ako buntis!”

“I’m just worried,” I calmly replied. OA kasi si Nari at hyperactive palagi—siguro dahilan kung bakit naging close kami. Sobrang mas kalmado kasi ako kumpara sa kanya. Complement iyong personality namin—well, aside sa isang bagay na never naming pagkakasunduan.

Saktong dumating na iyong order namin na beer at nagsimula na ang Naked Thursday.

“Sorry,” she said. “Nakaka-pressure lang kasi. Sobrang vocal ni Preston na gusto niyang bumuo ng soccer team. Tapos ayan, buwan na pero hindi pa rin ako nabubuntis.”

“Nagpa-check-up ka na ba?” I asked. Three months simula nung una kaming nagkakilala ni Nari, palaging ito iyong problema niya tuwing nagkikita kami. She felt pressured dahil hindi pa rin siya buntis ngayon.

“Hindi pa. Kinakabahan ako, e.”

“It’s just probably stress. May John na naman kayo, so impossible na may baog sa inyong dalawa,” I replied para pagaanin ang loob niya. She’s been a real good friend kahit na ang unang pagkikita namin, nasira ko iyong house dinner niya.

She sighed. “Siguro nga…” she trailed and then shifted her focus on me. “Ikaw? Kamusta? Deadma pa rin?”

I downed my beer before answering. I knew I needed to be honest with her—that’s the reason for all the Naked Thursdays. Naked Truth. Kasi ito lang din iyong araw na pwede naming ilabas iyong iniisip at nararamdaman naming dalawa, no judgment.

“Yup. Nothing new,” I replied.

“Grabe naman. Best friends talaga ’yang si Parker at Preston. Talent nila na magtanim ng sama ng loob.”

I shrugged. “Naiintindihan ko naman si Parker na nagalit talaga siya sa ginawa mo…” I said and then smiled a bit. “But at least he’s nice enough para ipasa ako sa law firm niya.”

I had been attending law school for 3 months now at almost 5 months na akong nagtatrabaho sa law firm ng mga Palma. Wala akong sweldo dahil iyong sweldo ko, iyon ’yung bayad sa tuition ko. And the tuition in St. Claire’s is no joke. Besides, nagsosort lang naman ako ng mga documents kaya wala namang problema.

Aside from occasionally seeing Parker around, wala namang bago. We didn’t even bother to recognize each other’s presence. And I thought that it’s probably a good thing. That I was able to sever the connection before I came in too deep.

“True. Pero hindi na talaga kayo magpapansinan? Like ever?”

“I… don’t know. I just don’t want to get suck in his problems again. I figured he’s the only one who can really help himself. And he obviously refuses any help. Ayoko na ipilit iyong sarili ko sa kanya. Masakit sa pride at masakit sa ulo,” I said and smiled. “And besides, nandyan naman kayo ni Preston para sa kanya. He’ll manage without me.”

Nari smiled. “I know na sinabi mo na ayaw mo ng progress report kay Parker, but dapat mong malaman na medyo nag-iimprove na siya. Kagabi, pumunta siya sa bahay para bigyan ng laruan si John!” she squealed. “Instead of being holed up, lumalabas na siya. It’s a start!”

I nodded and smiled a bit. “Good for him.”

“Good for you, too. Kapag maayos na si Parker, e ’di pwede na ulit ituloy ang naudlot,” sabi niya at saka tinaas-taas iyong kilay niya.

“Nari, we both know that that idea will end up tragic. He’s… in love.”

Nari rolled her eyes dramatically. “Kay Mary, I know. But he’ll forget her when it’s time. Hindi naman forever magmumukmok ’yang si Parker. Pati nga si Preston pinagalitan ko na, e. Ang gulo kasi. Palaging pinapakielamanan si Parker. Feeling ko nga mas maayos na pinabayaan na lang natin siya. At least, he’s doing things in his own pace.”

Tahimik lang ako na nakinig kay Nari habang nagsasalita siya. Alam ko kasi na dapat tahimik lang ako kapag si Parker at Mary ang pinag-uusapan namin. Nari likes Mary and she actually schooled me nung gabi na nag-away kami ni Parker. She said that I should not blame Mary for Parker’s feelings dahil wala namang kontrol si Mary sa nararamdaman ni Parker. I wanted to strangle Nari for saying all those things, but I knew she was right… and a bit drunk kaya ang lakas ng loob niyang pangaralan ako kahit first time lang naming magkita.

We stayed up until we became sober. Lumipat kami sa coffee shop hanggang sa kaya na ni Nari na magdrive. Hinatid niya ako sa apartment bago ako natulog. God, this was a long week.

---

Papasok ako sa classroom nang maka-salubong ko sa hallway si Parker. I tried my best not to look at his direction dahil kung hindi niya ako papansinin, hindi ko rin siya papansinin. I just didn’t think I needed drama in my life at this moment. I was swamped with requirements.

Pagdating ko sa loob, agad na tumabi ako kay Yani. Most of my classmates here were from upper class at si Yani lang iyong kapareho ko na struggling sa buhay. Kami iyong nagshe-share ng tips and info kung saan makakabili nung mga mamahalin na libro na requirements sa school.

“Wala pa?” I asked, hinihingal dahil halos tumakbo ako papasok. Kapag late ka kasi, ikaw ang mangunguna sa recitation—and I absolutely didn’t want that.

“Nope. Nagrerecruit iyong frat and soro,” she whispered kaya napunta sa harap iyong atensyon ko. May apat na naka-tayo sa harap. The two were speaking habang iyong dalawa sa likod, tahimik lang na nagmamasid sa classroom. Napa-kunot iyong noo ko nung magtama iyong paningin namin nung lalaki sa likod. I quickly shifted my eyes dahil hindi ko naman siya kilala.

“Pumayag si Sir?” nagulat na tanong ko dahil may papasok pa lang na outsider sa room, nasusupalpal na agad. Ganito yata talaga kapag ex-Justice ang professor mo.

Yani nodded. “Yeah. Frat ni Sir nung law student pa siya. At saka sikat na frat ’to, e.”

“Paano kaya sila nakakahanap ng time para sa frat?” I wondered.

“Maganda rin naman kasi dahil maraming benefits and connections,” Yani said. “Katulad nung nasa harap, ’yung lalaki sa likod? Si Maven de Marco. Apo kaya ’yan ng Presidente.”

Nanlaki ang mata ko. “As in? As in ’yung presidente ng Pilipinas?!”

She nodded. “Oo kaya! Imagine if magiging brod mo ’yan sa frat? Connections talaga!”

Tinignan ko iyong sinasabi niya na Maven. Gusto ko pa sana na mag-observe dahil nakaka-bilib na may schoolmate pala ako na ganito ka-bigatin pero marami pa akong kailangang gawin. Habang may nagsasalita sa harap, pasimple ako na nagbasa nung ilang cases na hindi ko natapos basahin dahil hindi na talaga kaya ng oras ko kahit mag-iiyak pa ako. Talent ko na yata na iyong isang mata ko, nagpapanggap na nakikinig habang iyong isa, nagsscan ng mga kailangan kong malaman in case na malasin ako at matawag sa recit mamaya.

Nang matapos iyong recruitment, may pinaikot lang sila na form para sa mga interested. I filled it out dahil wala namang masama. After that nagsimula na naman ang klase.

When the day ended, I was too worn out pero kailangan ko pa ring magcommute papunta sa law firm dahil may trabaho pa ako. Paglabas ko, pansin ko na may ibang mga classmate ko na hinarang para bigyan ng invitation. Sa bagay, iyon kasi ’yung mga classmates ko na matatalino talaga at saka mga anak ng mayayaman. Bagay sila doon sa sinasabi na frat ni Yani. Alam ko naman na hindi ako maiinvite doon dahil average lang naman ako sa lahat ng bagay. At minsan, mas pinipili ko pa ang tulog kaysa sa pag-aaral.

---

Thursday. Nari sent a text na wala muna kaming Naked Thursday ngayon dahil pupunta silang Balesin ni Preston at John. Nagreply lang ako ng enjoy dahil gusto ko lang talaga na matulog ngayon. Sobrang nabugbog ako mentally sa dami ng recitation na naganap ngayong araw.

Tahimik na naglakad ako papunta sa sakayan ng jeep nang may marinig akong parang nabagsak. Napayakap ako sa bag ko dahil gabi na. Pero wala namang nakakapasok na masamang tao sa SCA dahil bantay sarado ng mga guards lahat ng sulok…

I kept on walking when I heard some groans. My mind was telling me to ignore and just keep on walking pero hindi ako mapakali dahil parang tao na nasasaktan iyong naririnig ko. And God, I couldn’t shut my conscience off! Agad na hinanap ko iyong pinanggalingan nung tunog at nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang may makita akong lalaki na nasa sahig. And he’s freaking covered in blood!

“Oh, my God!” I shrieked. I froze on the spot. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko. Lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko.

“Fuck…” the guy groaned and I knelt in front of him. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang naka-luhod.

“A-ayos ka lang ba?” parang tanga kong tanong kahit na ramdam na ramdam ko na iyong dugo niya dahil nabasa iyong tuhod ko nung lumuhod siya. “S-sandali, hihingi lang ako ng—”

“No,” the bloody guy said.

“Baka maubusan ka ng—”

He cut me off again. “No,” he repeated.

“Mamamatay ka!” I hissed. Hindi pa ako lawyer! Hindi ko pa pwedeng ipagtanggol ang sarili ko. Malay ko ba kung ako ang mapagbintangan na may gawa nito?! He’s already losing much blood! Ayoko na sa harap ko siya mismo mamatay!

“I won’t,” he said in labored breathing.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “O-okay. Kung ayaw mo na humingi ako ng tulong, dadalhin na lang kita sa ospital,” sabi ko at saka nanginginig ang kamay na sinubukan na hawakan siya. God, there’s too much blood!

“No.”

“Ano ba?! Puro na lang ba no ang alam mong sabihin?!” naiinis na sabi ko sa kanya. If he wanted to die, sana hindi na lang siya gumawa ng ingay kanina! E ’di hindi ko na sana siya napansin!

“No hospital…” he said, his voice weaker.

“Mauubusan ka ng dugo!” I hissed. My clothes were covered in blood, but that was the least of my worries. I had a dying man in my arms! I knew this looked bad for me!

Nanginginig ang kamay niya na may inabot sa akin. “My car,” he whispered. Tinulungan ko siya na makatayo at saka pinindot ko iyong susi niya. Mabuti na lang at medyo malapit iyong kinaroroonan ng sasakyan niya.

“Nandito na tayo,” I told him. “Pero hindi ako marunong magdrive!” I continued.

“No driving,” he said, parang hirap na hirap na siyang magsalita. And may no na naman sa sinabi niya. Kalahati yata ng vocabulary nito ay puro no.

“Ano’ng gusto mong gawin ko?!”

I was panicking. I read cases like this! Na kapag ikaw ang nakita na huling kasama nung biktima, malakas ang chance na kasama ka sa possible suspects. And I couldn’t risk that. Scholar ako ng law firm ni Parker at alam ko na magiging problema kapag napasok ako sa problema na ’to.

May inabot siya sa dashboard ng sasakyan niya at binigay niya sa akin.

“No…” I said while shaking my head.

“Stitch me up,” he groaned.

“I’m not a doctor!” I shouted at him para mahimasmasan siya sa gusto niyang ipagawa sa akin. I looked around but there was no one. We were in a deserted parking lot and I was with a possibly dying man who’s already delusional with pain.

“Please…” he said. I gritted my teeth. Sobrang putla niya na. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

With my hands shaking, I reached for the first aid kit. “Just so you know, ang experience ko lang sa pagtahi ay nung nagdissect ako ng palaka nung 2nd year ako,” sabi ko habang hinahanap iyong pwedeng ipantahi sa sugat niya.

He was on the backseat of his car. Mabilis na binuksan ko iyong ilaw ng sasakyan niya pero hindi pa rin masyadong maliwanag. Hindi rin nakakatulong na nanginginig iyong mga kamay ko at para akong aatakihin sa puso sa sobrang kaba.

I reached for the scissors and cut his shirt open. Muntik na akong masuka nung makakita ako ng mas maraming dugo.

“You’re shot!” sabi ko nang mapansin ko na may bullet wound siya.

“Obviously,” sagot niya. Mamamatay na lang siya, nakuha pang maging pilosopo!

Closing my eyes, sinubukan ko na alalahanin iyong mga naririnig ko kay Tristan dati nung nag-aaral siya. God, I knew I’d get in trouble for what I was doing. But I couldn’t just leave him alone!

“Through and through,” I mumbled. “Good. So, ibig sabihin, hindi ko kailangang mangisda ng bullet casing sa loob,” sabi ko sa sarili ko. I watched enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to know that a through and through shot is better than a stuck bullet.

I tried to calm myself down dahil alam ko na mas mahihirapan lang ako kung magpapanic ako. Kinuha ko iyong cellphone niya at saka kinuha iyong daliri niya. Pinunasan ko muna dahil puro dugo.

“Don’t call anyone…” nagawa niyang sabihin kahit sobrang putla niya na. Was he running from someone? Na tipong kahit mamamatay na siya ay ayaw niya pa ring humingi ng tulong?

“Alam ko,” I replied. “I just need to search for something,” sabi ko. Nang mabuksan ko na iyong phone niya, agad akong pumunta sa Youtube at naghanap ng tutorial kung paano tumahi ng gunshot wound.

“Are you seriously watching a video?” nanghihina na sabi niya.

“Well, I am obviously not a doctor, am I?” pilosopo na sagot ko sa kanya. Hinanda ko iyong mga gamit habang nakikinig sa video. Tahimik din akong nagdadasal habang naghahanda.

“Makukulong ako kapag may nangyari sa ’yo,” I told him as I readied te gauze.

“I won’t die,” he replied and then shouted in pain. He reached for his phone and fiddled something. His arm was slighly shaking pero nagawa niyang iharap sa mukha niya. “In case of death, just know that I, Maven de Marco, was not forced to be operated on by someone who’s experience was limited to dissecting a frog.”

Oh, my fucking shit. This was Maven?! The Maven?! Pagpa-practice-an ko ang apo ng Presidente?! May death wish ba talaga ako?!

Kabanata 14

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 14 

I was torn. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. And as I stared at Maven’s bloody form, mas lalo lang akong naguluhan. He’s the grandchild of the president, for heaven’s sake! Paano kung makulong ako kapag namatay ’to sa kamay ko?! Pero kung hindi ko rin naman siya tutulungan, malaki rin ang chance na mamatay siya sa pagkaubos ng dugo.

Naputol iyong pag-iisip ko nang biglang mapasigaw na naman siya sa sakit. Biglang nataranta na naman ako. God, bahala na! May public attorney naman ako na makukuha kung anuman ang mangyari sa akin.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Wala akong background sa medicine.” Aside sa ex-fiancé ko na niloko ako.

“Obviously,” he groaned. Pilit niyang binukas ang mata niya at tinignan ako. “Stitch me up.”

“Wala rin tayong anestisya. Walang—”

“If I’m worried about those things, I wouldn’t be forcing you to fix my shoulder,” sabi niya habang nakapikit. “And seriously? Youtube?”

I glared at him. “Ano gusto mo? Maghanap pa ako ng episode ng Grey’s Anatomy na tungkol sa gunshot wound?!” Huminga ako nang malalim. I clasped my hands together and mumbled, “Lord, kayo na po ang bahala.”

Pinatong ko sa may dashboard iyong cellphone niya at saka pinanood iyong video habang nilalagyan ko ng alcohol iyong gagamitin ko. Nanginginig hindi lang ang kamay ko kung hindi ang buong pagkatao ko habang hawak ko iyong suture na gagamitin ko.

“Tatahiin ko lang ’to. Hindi ko papakielaman ’yang balikat mo,” I told him as I did the first stitch. I pursed my lips tightly to stop myself from vomiting. God, kapag sa Grey’s Anatomy ay parang wala lang. Iba pala talaga kapag live action na ang nagaganap!

Tinuloy ko ang pagtahi habang iniimagine ko na palaka si Maven. This was the only way na matatapos ako sa ginagawa ko. Habang nagtatahi ako, nagpapasalamat ako sa Biology teacher ko pati na sa TLE teacher ko dahil sa running stitch na ginawa ko kay Maven. In fairness, malinis iyong pagkakatahi ko.

“Done,” I said when I finished. He was still biting on the clothe I gave him para hindi siya masyadong mapasigaw sa sakit.

He moved his head para tignan iyong ginawa ko. “Five stitches would’ve sufficed.”

“Nagrunning stitch na ako para sure na hindi bubukas. Pasalamat ka nga ’di ako nagbackstitch,” I replied. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman na pawis na pawis na pala ako dahil sa mga naganap. Tinignan ko si Maven at mas maayos na iyong itsura niya kaysa kanina pero alam ko na dapat na talaga siyang magpatingin sa totoong doctor, hindi sa doctor quack quack na kagaya ko. Nasara ko lang iyong sugat pero hindi pa niya alam kung may damage ba sa loob. I knew it’s complicated since isang beses ay nabanggit sa akin ni Tristan ang tungkol sa ganito.

When I was done, hindi ko na alam. Should I just leave? But I couldn’t leave him na ganito ang lagay niya! Baka bukas ay mabalitaan ko na lang na may bangkay na natagpuan sa SCA parking lot.

“May pwede ba akong tawagan?” I asked him.

“No,” he replied. Again. Puro no talaga ang alam niya.

“Dito ka lang buong gabi?” hindi makapaniwala na sabi ko.

“Yeah,” he replied. “I’ll be fine. Just need time.”

Tinignan ko siya. He didn’t just need time. He needed blood. And hospital care.

“Go,” he said through gritted teeth. He’s trying to act strong pero halata naman na nasasaktan na siya. Halata kaya na alagang-alaga. Kung wala lang dugo sa katawan niya, pansin na pansin na ang lambot ng balat nitong si Maven. Kutis baby.

“I can’t just leave,” I said, sighing. “Hindi ko alam kung bakit bawal na may makakita sa ’yo pero kung nandito ka lang din sa parking lot, sigurado na bukas, makikita ka ng mga tao.”

“I’ll figure something out,” he replied.

“Sana bago ka pa maubusan ng dugo,” I sarcastically replied because his stubborness was making my head ache.

“Can you just drive me to my condo?” he asked, his breathing labored.

“Hindi ako marunong magdrive,” I said. “Pero—”

“God, please don’t suggest Youtube,” he breathed.

“What? Automatic naman yata ’yung sasakyan mo. Sabi kahit 15 minutes lang sa Youtube—”

“No,” siyempre ang sagot niya. Nung bata siguro ’to, no ang unang syllable na natutunan.

“Ano’ng gusto mo? Itulak ko ’tong sasakyan mo hanggang makarating tayo sa condo mo?”

Instead of answering me, he said, “I have spare clothes in the trunk,” he said. Hindi na ako nakipagtalo at kinuha ko na lang iyong damit niya. Syempre hindi ako tumingin habang nagbibihis siya kahit na ilang beses siyang napa-mura sa sakit habang nagbibihis. Siguro mga five minutes siyang nagsusuot ng shirt.

Nang matapos siya sa pagbibihis, dahan-dahan siyang lumabas sa sasakyan.

“Gusto mong ikuha kita ng Uber? “ I suggested. Mas safe kasi ang ganoon kaysa sa taxi. Apo pa naman ’to ng presidente. Nagtataka nga ako bakit walang kasama na PSG, e.

“No,” he replied, as usual. Iika-ika siya na naglakad habang naka-sunod ako sa kanya. Hawak niya lang iyong cellphone niya. Gusto ko na sanang maglakad sa kabilang panig pero hindi talaga kaya ng konsensya ko na iwanan na lang siya bigla.

“Iiwan na lang ’yung sasakyan mo ng ganoon?” I asked. Puro dugo kasi sa loob. Baka kapag may naka-kita nun e isipin na may murder na naganap. Sobrang daming dugo talaga.

“Yeah,” he replied. He was still limping at tahimik ako na naka-sunod sa kanya—well, not exactly tahimik. I asked him questions. Dapat alam ko para kung sakali na magkaproblema, alam ko ang isasagot ko sa mga pulis.

“Wala ka bang security detail?” I asked.

“Obviously,” he replied.

“Hindi ka ba hinahanap sa Malacañang? “

Napa-hinto siya. Hinarap niya ako. “Breathe a word about what happened tonight, we’d both get into a lot of trouble.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Ano’ng we ? Walang we!” Walangya na ’to! Tinulungan ko na at lahat, ipapahamak pa ako sa lolo niya!

He arched his brow. “Well, now, there’s a we,” he replied and then looked at me. “Name?” sabi niya.

I shook my head. “No,” sagot ko bilang ganti sa lahat ng no na natanggap ko sa kanya.

“No name? Fine. I’ll call you Abby, then,” sabi niya. He took a step closer. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko. Napa-tingala ako dahil mas matangkad siya ng ’di hamak sa akin. What’s with all these giants around me?!

“If anyone learns about what happened tonight, I’d hold you accountable, Abby.”

“Hindi nga Abby ang pangalan ko!” sabi ko. “At hindi naman kita bina—”

Bago ko pa man matapos ang sasabihin ko, he put his index finger on top of my lips. “Not a word, Abby.” God! Hindi nga ako si Abby!

I gritted my teeth. “Fine.” Bumuka sana ’yang tahi.

“I know you’re a freshman here in SCA. I’ll find you,” he threatened.

Instead of answering, tinalikuran ko siya. Walang kwenta. Ni wala man lang akong natanggap na thank you pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa ko.

---

I was pissed. I was fucking pissed.

“Miss, kung hindi ka makikipagcooperate, hindi ka makakaalis sa presinto ngayong gabi,” sabi nung pulis habang kausap ako. “Kaninong dugo ang nasa damit mo?”

I gritted my teeth in frustration. “Hindi ko nga po pwedeng sabihin.”

Dalawang oras ko ng kausap iyong pulis. I knew this looked so wrong! Naglalakad ako sa University Avenue habang puno ng dugo ako. Ni hindi ko man lang kasi na-realize na puno pala ako ng dugo. Iyong walangyang Maven na ’yun ay ’di man lang sinabi sa akin na naliligo pala ako ng dugo niya!

Muntik na akong makasuhan ng first degree murder! Muntik na akong maging prime suspect doon sa saksakan sa kabilang kanto! Gosh! Mababaliw na ako sa gabing ’to!

“Kung hindi ka sasagot, wala kaming choice kung hindi i-detain ka,” sabi nung pulis. And I shut up. I was fucking covered in blood—of course they’d suspect me. Tapos ni hindi ko man lang masabi ang nangyari dahil binalaan ako ni Maven na hindi pwedeng malaman. And he’s the grandson of the president. Malay ko ba kung national secret pala iyong nangyari sa kanya?

I was at a freaking impasse again.

---

The morning after, I was released dahil nahuli na iyong suspect sa sasakan na naganap kagabi. Good thing that one of the policemen lent me a clean shirt. Baka madampot na naman ako kapag naglakad ako ng duguan.

Ni hindi na ako nakapunta sa apartment dahil may quiz kami ngayong araw. God, I hated this week!

Pagdating ko sa school, agad akong tumakbo papunta sa classroom. Nakita ko si Parker na naka-tingin sa akin pero hindi ko na siya pinagtuunan ng pansin. I was in no mood to entertain any more negativity today. Sagad na sagad na ako.

Nang matapos ang quiz, mas lalo akong nabadtrip dahil bumagsak ako. Hindi ko kasi nabasa iyong required reading dahil ayaw ibigay iyong gamit ko nung pulis kahapon.

Pagkalabas ko, nagulat ako dahil nandoon si Parker.

“Genesis,” sabi niya.

“What?” walang gana na sabi ko. I was tired. And pissed. And fucking murderous.

“Yesterday…” he trailed off na parang hindi siya sigurado sa sasabihin niya. “Where were you?”

I sighed. “Bahay,” I lied. I couldn’t tell anyone about anything. It was maddening!

Tinignan niya ako na parang alam niya na hindi totoo ang sinabi ko. But I really couldn’t deal with any of this right now.

“Gen—”

Ni hindi ko na natapos pakinggan ang susunod na sasabihin niya nung makita ko si Maven na kakalabas lang ng isang classroom. He looked fine—ni hindi halata na duguan siya kagabi. Hindi kagaya ko na nagpalipas ng gabi sa presinto!

I marched towards him, my nose flaring with all the pent up anger from my brief stay in the prison.

“You only told me to shut up, you didn’t tell me I can’t punch you,” sabi ko bago ko siya sinuntok sa mukha—leaving everyone dumbfounded because yes, I just fucking punched the president’s grandson.

Kabanata 15

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 15 

There was radiosilence. Everyone’s jaw fell. Si Maven, naka-hawak sa gilid ng labi niya. And I wished I punched him hard enough to cause damage pero ang napala ko lang ay ang sakit sa kamay ko. Damn! Ang tigas ng mukha niya!

Bago pa man ako makapagsalita, Maven raised his hand, as if he was dismissing someone. Napa-talikod ako at may nakita akong dalawang lalaki—literal na men in black na papalapit sana sa akin. But I was really pissed at Maven na wala na akong pakielam kung apo man siya ni Mahatma Gandhi! All I did was help him tapos ni hindi man lang niya sinabi sa akin na puno ako ng dugo niya kagabi?! First time kong madampot ng pulis!

“What the fuck, Abby?” he asked, his hand still on the side of his lips.

“I’m not Abby!” I fumed. Why was he even studying to be a lawyer kung simpleng pangalan ko ay hindi niya matandaan?!

“Well, you’re Abby to me,” he replied.

“Well, you’re an asshole to me!” I hissed. I was aware that people were listening to our conversation kaya naman hindi ko na pinatagal pa. I glared at Maven and gave him the middle finger. “Asshole!” I added before I stomped away from him.

Gusto ko sanang pukpukin iyong balikat niya para masaktan ko talaga siya, but I decided against it. Hindi naman ako kasing sama niya para gawin sa kanya iyon. But he’s really, really annoying! Alam ko na tuwing makikita ko siya sa building, maaalala ko na siya ang dahilan kung bakit nagpalipas ako ng gabi sa kulungan.

“Are you okay?” tanong ni Yani sa akin. I was tempted to go home and take a quick shower pero may klase pa ulit ako. And I couldn’t risk another failed grade. Tuluyan na talagang masisira ang linggo na ’to kapag may isang kamalasan pa na nangyari sa akin.

“I’m fine,” I replied drily.

“Talaga?” she asked again. Hindi ako sumagot dahil hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano sasabihin sa kanya. Kapag nagtanong siya kung bakit ko sinuntok si Maven, alam ko naman na hindi ko pwedeng sabihin iyong nangyari kagabi. Ayoko namang magsinungaling kay Yani dahil siya lang ang kaibigan ko rito.

“Yeah. Medyo masakit lang ang ulo ko,” I said—which was not totally a lie dahil masakit talaga ang ulo ko. Syempre hindi ako naka-tulog nang maayos. Malay ko ba kung bigla akong saksakin sa kulungan. Call me paranoid pero hindi talaga masaya matulog doon.

Pagdating namin sa classroom, kasunod lang namin iyong prof kaya naman hindi na ako natanong pa ulit ni Yani. We were given exercises to do kaya hanggang sa matapos ang klase ay doon lang focused ang attention namin. Paglabas ko sa room, naglalakad ako papunta sa cafeteria para bumili ulit ng energy drink. I still had to go to the law firm pero iyong mga mata ko, malapit nang bumigay.

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang makita ko si Maven na naka-tayo sa harap ko.

“What?” I hissed.

He was only looking at me—na para bang pinag-aaralan ang mukha ko. “Because of your little stunt earlier, you need to sign this,” sabi niya at saka may iniabot na papel sa akin.

“NDA? Seriously?”

He timidly nodded, like he was bored to be here, talking to me. “My guards investigated our connection, hence, I had to be a little creative.”

I slowly crumpled the paper he gave me. “I… seriously don’t care, Maven. I helped you once, that’s it. Ayoko ng kahit ano’ng connection sa ’yo,” sabi ko at saka nilagpasan siya. Kahapon lang kami nagkakilala pero sobrang daming kamalasan na ang naranasan ko. Ayoko na ng isa pa.

“Well, too bad, Abby,” sabi niya.

“Hindi nga Abby ang pangalan ko!”

“Get used to being called Abby, then,” he said shrugging.

“And why would I? This is the last time we’ll talk, Maven,” I seriously said. I didn’t like getting mixed up with the likes of him. Actually, medyo ayoko muna sa mga lalaki in general. Puro sakit ng ulo lang ang binibigay nila sa akin. Sinimulan ni Tristan, sinundan ni Parker, at ngayon, si Maven naman.

“I doubt it, Abby,” he annoyingly said. I was starting to hate the name Abby! Hindi ko naman pangalan ’yun!

“Wag mo na nga akong kausapin kahit kailan, palaka ka,” sabi ko bago tumalikod at nagsimulang maglakad palayo sa kanya. Akala ko ay makakalayo na ako pero sinundan niya ako. Good thing at wala na masyadong mga tao dahil halos gabi na rin. I didn’t want them thinking na may kung ano sa amin ng palaka na ’to.

“Told my parents that you’re my girlfriend, so you’ll definitely see more of me,” he casually said kaya napa-tigil ako.

“You did what?”

“My guards reported about your little stunt, so I had to tell them that we’re having a row.”

“At wala kang naisip na mas matino na dahilan?!” He just shrugged. God, this guy! “Then tell them na nagbreak na tayo!”

He nodded. “Okay. I’ll tell them that you dumped me.”

“Tell them that you dumped me!”

“And what? Make them think that I’m some playboy?” sagot niya.

Kung hindi man siya namatay dahil sa nangyari kagabi, baka ako ang makapatay sa kanya ngayon.

I was still fuming in anger nang lapitan niya ako at saka inakbayan. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang maramdaman ko na hinalikan niya iyong tuktok ng ulo ko. “Wow… you smell horrible.”

Mabilis ko siyang tinulak bago pa ako ma-tempt na suntukin siya sa balikat. “That’s your blood, you asshole!” I hissed. “At nakulong ako kagabi dahil ni hindi mo sinabi sa akin na mukha pala akong murderer dahil sa dugo mo sa buong katawan ko! Hindi pa ako naliligo!”

His face was impassive, but I was heaving in anger. Kanina ko pa ’to gustong sabihin sa kanya pero hindi ko magawa dahil ang daming tao sa paligid namin. And now that we’re the only ones in the hallway, I was free to shout at the Maven de Marco.

“You’re studying law. Why didn’t you get yourself out of there?” he asked.

“Because getting myself out of there means telling them about you!”

“And?”

I glared at him. “And I promised you na wala akong pagsasabihan,” I calmly said, but I was real murderous on the inside.

And then, he sighed. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin niya pero bigla niya akong hinatak. Kahit ano’ng pagpupumiglas ko, hindi ko magawa dahil mas malakas at mas malaki siya sa akin.

“Bitiwan mo nga ako!” sabi ko sa kanya. Binuksan niya iyong sasakyan niya at saka may kinuha. “Hi. Good evening, General. I have a favor to ask,” sabi niya at saka tinignan ako. His eyes were intense pero mas intense ang mga mata ko dahil gusto ko siyang bulagin. “I need something erased.”

Napaawang ang labi ko dahil sa mga susunod na sinabi niya. He made sure na walang kahit ano’ng bakas ng mga nangyari kagabi. And any prior I had before, ultimo jaywalking, pinatanggal niya.

“Why did you do that?” I asked him.

“Why did you do that?” he asked back.

“Ang alin?”

“Get yourself jailed for me,” sabi niya habang mataman na nakatingin sa mga mata ko.

“Because I promised,” I replied, staring back at him.

“You’re stupid,” sabi niya.

“And you’re an asshole. You’re studying to be a lawyer tapos ikaw ang nangunguna sa hindi pagsunod sa batas,” sagot ko.

“The laws are created to protect humans. And I figured you need protecting. You’re stupid to get yourself jailed,” sabi niya bago ako iwan at pumasok sa sasakyan niya. “See you tomorrow, Abby.”

Asshole talaga!

---

Pagdating ko sa firm, agad na dumiretso ako sa filing room. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pag-aayos nung may kumatok sa pintuan.

“Tulungan mo muna si Mr. Palma ngayon. Bukas mo na ituloy ’yan.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Ano po?” Mali ba ako ng rinig? Kasi sa tinagal-tagal ko rito, never kaming nagpansinan ni Parker. And I was okay with that. Pagod na akong makielam sa buhay niya. Kaya… ano iyong nangyayari?

“Meeting room A. Nandoon na si Sir. Punta ka na,” he said and then shut the door close.

What now? Ano na naman ang kailangan sa akin ni Parker?

Pagdating ko roon, nakaupo siya. Tumayo ako sa malapit sa pintuan. I didn’t know if he’d feel comfortable kung lalapit ako sa kanya. O kung magagalit na naman siya sa akin.

“You need something?” I asked.

“Why were you talking to Maven?”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “What?”

Binaba niya iyong binabasa niya at tinignan ako. “Maven. Why were you talking to him?”

Pilit kong hindi pinansin iyong paraan ng pagtingin sa akin ni Parker—like I did something again to anger him. What was his problem?! I did everything to avoid him. Kapag paparating siya, nag-iiba agad ako ng daan para lang hindi niya ako makita—para hindi niya mapansin na may Genesis sa paligid niya. Tapos ano ngayon? Bigla niya akong kakausapin dahil lang may kumausap sa akin kanina?

“Why?” I asked.

“Are you friends?”

“What? Why are you suddenly interested in my life, Mr. Palma?” I threw back his question. I was contented living a quiet and drama-free life kaya bakit nilalagyan niya na naman ng kulay ang buhay ko?

“Stay away from him.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “What?” hindi makapaniwala na sabi ko.

“He’s not a good—”

I cut him off. “Let’s be clear, Parker. I’m not meddling with your life, so don’t try to meddle with mine. Kung sinuman ang kinakausap ko, wala kang pakielam.”

I saw him clenching his jaw but he remained calm and collected like he always was. It was hard to read him… or maybe because I long gave up trying to understand him. It’s hard to understand someone who didn’t want to be understood. It’s hard to help someone who’s enjoying his little bubble of misery. It’s all futile attempt.

“I’m just worried,” he said, looking at me.

“Well, I don’t need your worry,” sabi ko sa kanya at tinalikuran siya. I didn’t need his drama. I was done with him.

Kabanata 16

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 16 

Nung midterms week na, nagpaalam ako sa law firm kung pwede na hindi muna ako pumasok dahil hindi na talaga kakayanin ng katawan ko kung papasok pa ako roon habang nagrereview. The exams would make or break my first sem here in SCA. Kapag mababa ang grades ko, matatanggal ako sa scholarship ng firm.

“You should talk to Mr. Palma,” iyon lang ang sabi sa akin nung head sa department na pinagta-trabahuhan ko.

I sighed while walking to Parker’s office. The last time we talked was rather unpleasant. Nainis kasi ako na sinasabihan niya ako kung sino ang dapat at hindi dapat na kausapin ko. I mean, siya nga galit na galit nung nakikielam ako sa unrequited love niya, tapos siya feeling niya pwede niya akong pakielaman?

I knocked once bago ko binuksan iyong pinto sa office niya. He was busy, like usual, pero tinignan niya ako nang marinig niya ang boses ko. “Can we talk?” I asked.

He nodded and then put down the pen he was holding. Naglakad lang ako hanggang sa nasa harap na ako ng lamesa niya. “Sit,” he said.

“Kahit hindi na. It’ll be fast,” sagot ko at saka tinignan siya ng diretso. “Since it’s midterms, pwede ba na hindi muna ako pumasok?”

“Alright,” he quickly replied.

“Great. Thanks,” sagot ko at saka tumalikod para lumabas. Pero bago pa man mabukas iyong pinto, nagsalita ulit siya.

“Do you need help?” tanong niya.

“Ha?”

“I can lend you old exams.”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. What was his deal? Lumipas ang tatlong buwan na para kaming hangin na kapag dumadaan, walang pansinan. Tapos biglang ganito siya? Ano? Kabilugan ba ng buwan at magta-transform siya anytime?

“Why?” I asked.

“Just being helpful.”

I eyed him carefully. I didn’t want to tread this way again. Ganito rin iyong nangyari dati. He offered help… and then shut me out the moment I let myself get too close. Ayoko na mangyari ulit ’yun. I didn’t want the same emotional trauma he made me go through.

“Thanks, but I can manage,” I respectfully declined his offer. It was better this way, anyway. Mas mabuti na magkaroon kami ng distansya sa isa’t-isa dahil mahirap lumapit sa tao na ayaw ng tulong. And I knew myself. Ako iyong klase ng tao na tutulong kahit hindi naman hinihingi ang tulong ko. I just couldn’t help it.

Pagkaalis ko sa firm, dumiretso ako sa college library dahil nandoon iyong ibang libro na kailangan ko. I couldn’t afford to buy all the books dahil masyadong marami at masyadong mahal. Hindi rin naman sobrang kapal ng mukha ko para ipasagot pa sa firm ultimo libro ko.

I was in the middle of memorizing the articles word for word nang may maramdaman ako na tumabi sa akin. I needed not to turn my head para malaman na si Maven iyon. He just… smelled like Maven. He smelled expensive, but in a way, he also smelled annoying. He reminded me of my brief time in jail.

“Hey, Abby,” sabi niya. I ignored him dahil iyon lang naman ang paraan para tigilan niya ako. If I give him attention, mas lalo niya lang akong bu-bwisitin.

And when he stretched his arm and rested it on my shoulder, hindi ako nakatiis at pasimple kong sinaksak iyong binti niya nung pencil. Dadagdagan ko talaga ’yang butas sa katawan niya kapag hindi niya ako tinigilan!

“Fuck!” he cursed.

“May gunting ako sa bag, babaklasin ko ’yang tahi sa balikat mo, sinasabi ko sa ’yo,” I warned him.

His teeth were gritted pero nagpipigil siya na sakalin ako dahil nasa library kaming dalawa, I could tell. He took a deep breath and then calmly spoke. “Anyway,” he said. “I was about to give you my old exams, but since you’re nothing but brutal to me, no, thanks,” sabi niya.

“As if naman kailangan ko. If I knew better, puro bagsak ’yang score mo.”

“Abby… Abby…” sabi niya. “I have a reputation to uphold. And trust me, I’m living to the expectations.”

At saka… umalis siya. In fairness, hindi niya sinabi ang salitang no habang nag-uusap kami. Pero nakaka-stress talaga na dalawa na silang nag-offer ng old exams nila. Mukha ba talagang hindi ako makakapasa without their help?

---

Midterms came. Fuck. FUCK. Saan nila kinuha iyong mga tanong?! Halos tulala ako habang naglalakad sa hallway. Nung first day, feeling ko traumatized ako sa mga tanong. Mas nag-aral ako nang mabuti para prepared ako sa second day, pero double shit. Mas mahirap iyong mga tanong!

Naupo ako sa isang gilid, trying to reevaluate my life. Gusto kong maiyak pero alam ko na hindi dapat. Crying wasn’t an option. Feeling sorry for myself wasn’t an option… but I felt like I didn’t belong here. Everyday was a struggle.

Ilang beses ako na humihinga nang malalim to calm myself nang may huminto sa harapan ko. I looked up and I saw Maven. He looked serious, as usual.

“What?” mahina na sabi ko. I didn’t have spare energy for him. Marami pa akong aaralin mamaya.

“You look like a lost kitten,” he said.

“Oo na, panget na ako,” I replied. I was so down.

“What’s the problem?” tanong niya. I remained quiet. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na feeling ko sobrang bobo ko? Tuwing recitation, hirap na hirap ako sumagot sa mga tanong. Kapag may quizzes, swerte na ako kapag pasang-awa ang score ko. I felt like I didn’t belong in law school.

Tapos siya… Maven looked like he knew exactly where he belonged. And he knew what he wanted. Like he already figured everything out.

“Wala, feel ko lang mag-emo.”

“Really?”

I nodded. “Maven…”

“Yeah?” sagot niya. Ang baba ng boses niya. Tapos ang ganda niya magsalita. Ewan ko ba.

“Do you think you’ve already figured everything out?” I asked him. Apo naman siya ng presidente. Siguro naman may sense siyang kausap kahit most of the time, gusto ko siyang saksakin ng pencil dahil epal siya.

“Why?” tanong niya.

I shrugged. “Kasi… hindi ko alam kung bakit nandito ako sa law school. I mean, alam ko na gusto ko… pero ’di ba hindi naman lahat ng gusto mo, nakukuha mo?”

Katulad nung crush ko kay Parker… na nauwi sa wala dahil stuck siya sa past. Kaya ayoko ipilit kung hindi pwede. Sa huli, ako rin kasi ’yung kawawa.

“Abby—” he began.

“Genesis ang pangalan ko.”

“Abby, the first year is always the hardest. It’s designed to weed out the weakest links. Now, if you think you can’t do this for the rest of your life, I suggest you get yourself out of this shithole.”

“Wow, thanks for the peptalk, ha.”

Kanina pa ako naka-tingala sa kanya but then, he crouched down in front of me. “I’m just being honest. If you’re this weak, law school isn’t for you.”

Hindi ako nakapagconcentrate sa sinabi niya dahil masyado akong naka-focus sa mga mata niya. His eyes were light brown and I could see my reflection. Okay, so, hindi lang siya kutis baby, amoy mayaman, ngayon, maganda rin ang mga mata niya. Pero epal pa rin siya.

“Here, use my old exams as reference,” sabi niya at saka may iniabot sa akin na envelope. Napa-tingin ako sa binigay niya. “It’ll give you an idea about what to expect.”

It was tempting but… I stood up and excused myself.

“No, thanks. May iba akong hihiraman,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“As far as I am concerned, I hold the highest GWA here.”

I arched my brow. Matalino rin kaya si Parker. Yabang talaga nitong si Maven. “Someone offered first.”

Napa-atras ako nang yumuko siya kaya malapit na naman ang mukha niya sa akin. Ano ba ’to! Balak ba niyang bilangin ang pores sa mukha ko?! Lapit nang lapit!

“So… there’s a competetion,” he said. “Interesting.”

“Walang competition!”

“Sure,” he replied. “Who is it?”

“Wala.”

“Abby, Abby. You should know by now that I’m a pretty persistent person,” sabi niya at saka hinalikan ako sa pisngi ko. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Anyway, you’re still my girlfriend. Behave, Abby.” At saka siya umalis.

Ilang segundo akong natulala sa ginawa ni Maven bago ako natauhan. At hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit napadpad na naman ako sa bahay ni Parker. Diretso akong pumasok sa loob dahil kilala na naman ako nung guard.

“Hi,” I said.

Halata na nagulat siya na makita ako pero agad siyang naka-bawi. “Hi,” he replied.

“Gusto mo pa rin bang ipahiram ’yung old exams mo?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Of course,” mabilis na sagot niya. Naka-tingin siya sa akin at alam ko na iniisip niya kung bakit nagbago ang isip ko. Siguro dahil natauhan ako sa sinabi ni Maven… na kung mahina palagi ang loob ko, hindi ko makukuha ang gusto ko.

We were staring at each other, walang nagsasalita. I didn’t know what to say to him! Halos tatlong buwan na kaming hindi nagpapansinan! Nung isang araw lang iyong matinong usap namin ulit. It was rather awkward.

Ilang segundo ang lumipas, may kinuha siya at iniabot sa akin.

“If you need help, call me,” sabi niya.

I smiled. “I will.” Kinuha ko iyong box pero mahigpit iyong hawak niya. Kumunot ang noo ko. “Bakit?” I asked him.

“Nothing,” he replied.

I arched my brow. “Sigurado ka?” I asked him. “Kung may sasabihin ka, sabihin mo na. Hindi ako forever na maghihintay sa mga sasabihin mo.”

Pero wala siyang sinabi. I sighed and then began to walk. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling… kung stuck pa rin ba siya o kung anuman. I mean, ang hirap niyang intindihin! Para siyang crossword puzzle na difficult level!

Pababa na ako sa hagdan nung marinig ko iyong boses niya. I automatically stopped in my tracks.

“Gen…” tawag niya sa akin. God, Gen. Calm yourself. “Do you want to study together?”

Kumunot na naman ang noo ko. “Why?”

“I want to help—”

“Parker, I’m not your charity case. Hindi mo ako kailangang tulunga, if you feel obliged to. Kaya ko—”

Napatigil ako sa sasabihin ko nang magsalita ulit siya. He took a step forward and my heart somersaulted. Traitor! Ilang buwan akong bwisit sa kanya tapos ganito lang?!

“I’m doing this because I’m helping myself,” he said, looking straight into my eyes. Napa-lunok ako dahil sa sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. God. Here he was again, making my heart race abnormally inside my chest.

“H-ha?” sabi ko, and I swear, ang landi ng boses ko sa pandinig ko!

“I already lost once… I won’t lose again.”

Kabanata 17

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 17 

“Lose?” sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya. “Is this some kind of game for you?” I kept silent for seconds, waiting for him to explain himself. I didn’t want to judge him so harshly. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions. Gusto ko na ipaliwanag niya ang sarili niya at ang mga narinig ko mula sa kanya. Ayoko na maniwala na para sa kanya, laro lang ang lahat ng ito.

That I was some thing he needed to possess. That I was some kind of trophy he needed to win.

Naghintay ako habang naka-tingin sa kanya. But as seconds passed, the truth became clearer.

“Is this because of Maven?” I asked him.

He clenched his jaw. “Don’t talk to him.”

“Bakit?” balik na tanong ko sa kanya. “Bakit hindi ko siya kakausapin?”

I didn’t know what his deal was. I didn’t know why he was acting strange. Lumipas ang ilang buwan na hindi niya ako kinakausap. Nakatiis siya na ni hindi man lang ako tinatapunan ng tingin… tapos ngayon, ganito?

“Because…” he trailed. Naghintay ako pero walang kasunod. He just looked confused and pained. And I didn’t know what to make of it.

“Because what, Parker? Because from my perspective, wala namang masama kung mag-usap kami ni Maven. He’s single, I am single,” sabi ko habang mataman na naka-tingin sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko alam pero parang tanga ako na umasa na sabihin niya sa akin na ’wag kong kausapin si Maven dahil nagseselos siya. But who was I kidding? This guy in front of me is still madly in love with someone else.

Tanga lang naman ang magmamahal sa isang tao na may mahal na iba.

“Fuck,” he cursed under his breath at saka tinignan muli ako. “Can’t you just listen to me?”

“Know what? Baka ikaw ’yung dapat na hindi ko kausapin. Tatlong buwan mo akong hindi pinansin, Parker! Tatlong buwan! Do you know what kind of torture that was?!” hindi ko mapigilan na pagtaasan siya ng boses. “I said sorry over and over again pero hindi mo ako pinansin! You made me feel horrible! Tapos ngayon, didiktahan mo ako kung sino ang pwede kong kausapin?!”

My chest was heaving and I was just pissed at him again. No matter how hard I tried to distance myself from him and to made myself apathetic with all his affairs, isang salita niya lang, para na naman akong bulkan na handang sumabog dahil sa inis.

“I didn’t—” he tried to explain and then gave up. “Just trust me on this, Genesis.”

“Whatever I do with Maven, wala kang kinalaman doon, Parker.”

“He’ll just mess with you.”

“Like how you’re messing with me?” balik ko sa kanya. Kasi sa lahat ng tao, siya iyong pinaka-gumugulo sa akin.

“I’m not messing with you,” kalmado na sagot niya.

“You’re messing with me, Parker! Pwede ba na bumalik ka na lang ulit sa hindi mo pagpansin sa akin? Pwede ba na patahimikin mo na lang ako dahil ayoko na ulit na madamay sa gulo mo sa buhay!” Akma akong aalis nang maramdaman ko na sinusundan niya ako. “And stop following me!”

“Gen.”

“And stop saying my name!”

“Gen…”

“Bumalik ka na lang sa kwarto mo at magmukmok ka kay Imogen. Doon ka naman masaya, ’di ba?”

He clenched his jaw. “Do you like him?” he said instead.

I arched my brow. “So, what if I do?” I shot back. Naghintay ako ng sagot niya. Naghintay ako kasi gusto kong marinig kung ano ba ang iniisip niya… but why did I expect a different ending in a story that I had read over and over again? “Masama ba na magkagusto ako sa kanya? Hindi naman kita pinipigilan na magkagusto sa iba, ’di ba?”

I calmed myself and stared at him. Wala na naman siyang sinabi.

“Sana nga siya na lang ’yung gusto ko.” Kasi ang hirap mong gustuhin.

---

Ni hindi mo magawang gamitin iyong mga pinahiram sa akin ni Parker dahil sa sobrang inis sa kanya. I just couldn’t deal with feelings right now! Mas lalo akong babagsak kung patuloy ko siyang iisipin.

Nasa library ako para mag-aral. Hindi ako makapag-aral sa apartment dahil naaakit ako ng kama na matulog. Ilang oras na akong nagbabasa nang may maramdaman ako na tumabi sa akin. And I didn’t need to hear introduction para malaman kung sino iyon.

“What?” mabilis na sabi ko. “I’m busy, Maven.”

“This will be quick,” sabi niya at saka naupo sa bakanteng upuan sa tabi ko.

I looked at him and sighed. “Marami pa akong rereviewhin. Wala akong oras.”

“If only you’d let me lend you my old exams…” he said and then took a peak at Parker’s exams na naka-patong sa lamesa. “So, it’s Parker,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa mga exams. Mabilis na kinuha ko iyon kahit na alam ko na wala ng silbi. Maven was looking at me like he just learned something fascinating.

“Ano ba kasi ang kailangan mo?”

“You’re with Parker?” he asked.

“Bakit ba ang chismoso mo?” I shot at him. “Ano ba kasi ang kailangan mo para lumayas ka na sa paningin ko?”

Ayoko lang kasi na pag-usapan si Parker. Ni ayoko nga siyang maisip, e. Nakaka-lito talaga siya! Umaarte siya na parang may pakielam tapos kapag tinanong mo, wala ka namang makukuhang sagot. Hindi ko alam kung saan ilulugar ang sarili ko sa kanya.

“Mom’s throwing a party and she wants to meet you.”

Nanlaki ang mata ko. “What?!” sigaw ko dahil sa gulat. Napa-tingin sa amin iyong mga tao—and most of the stares lingered nang mapansin nila na si Maven ang kasama ko. Right. Bakit ba nalimutan ko na sikat sa college si Maven? Being the leader of a frat and everything.

“Baliw ka na ba?!” singhal ko sa kanya.

“It’s tonight,” he answered. “When’s your last exam?” tanong niya na parang wala lang iyong sinabi niya.

“Ano’ng dinner ka dyan!”

“She also asked if you’re allergic with anything. And since I really don’t know you, just avoid the seafood if you’re allergic,” he said, ignoring the fact that he just caught me offguard. Napa-tingin ako sa lamesa kung may pencil dahil sasaksakin ko talaga ’yung binti nito. Sobrang epal niya!

“Bakit mo ba kasi sinabi na girlfriend mo ako?!”

Everyone was looking at us, but I couldn’t care less. Masakit na nga ang ulo ko sa mga exams, dinadagdagan pa ni Parker at Maven.

“Abby—”

“For the love of God, hindi nga Abby ang pangalan ko!”

Akala ko ay sasagot na siya pero hinila niya lang ako patayo at saka inakbayan. “You’re making a scene, Abby. Let’s talk outside.”

“Yung mga gamit ko!”

“My guards will take care of that,” he dismissively said with his arm still draped over my shoulder. Wala akong nagawa dahil nahahatak talaga ako kapag humahakbang siya. Hindi ko na lang pinansin iyong mga tingin ng mga tao sa amin.

Maven de Marco just attracted eyes whenever he goes.

Nang nasa gilid na kami ng college, tumigil na siya sa paglalakad.

“Sabihin mo sa kanila na hindi mo ako girlfriend,” I firmly said. Ayoko ng kung anumang complications. Sobrang complicated na nga nung kay Parker, dadagdagan ko pa ng drama? Hindi ba ako kuntento? Attracted ba ako sa gulo?

“Can’t,” he replied.

“God, you’re annoying!”

He nodded. “Sure,” sabi niya. “But you’re still my girlfriend. At least in the eyes of my family.”

Tinignan ko siya at alam ko na hindi ko na mababago pa ang isip niya. Bakit ba hindi ko na lang pinabayaan na maubusan siya ng dugo? Binahagian ko pa siya ng running stitch skills ko tapos puro sakit ng ulo ang binibigay niya sa akin!

“Ikaw ang pinaka-mataas na GWA sa College of Law tapos talagang pagiging girlfriend ko pa ang naisip mo? Wala ka bang ibang maisip na dahilan?!” naiinis na sabi ko.

“Abby,” he said. I just glared at him. “My parents watched the video.”

“Ano’ng video?” kinakabahan na tanong ko.

“ Our video.“ Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Biglang natawa si Maven. “It’s not a scandal, idiot. It’s the video of you fixing my shoulder.”

Naka-hinga ako nang maluwag. “Ano ang kinalaman nun?”

“Well, from the video, you can only see you going inside my car…”

“And?” tanong ko dahil pa-suspense pa siyang magkwento.

“And the car was shaking.”

“Dahil sinisipa mo habang tinatahi ko ’yung sugat mo,” I continued. Grabe kasi talaga niya sipain iyong sasakyan. Wala kasi kaming anestisya kaya naman ramdam na ramdam niya bawat running stitch.

“Right. But from my parents’ perspective, it looked like we were having sex in the car.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “W-what?”

“Come on. We’re in a car parked in a dark place. You went in. The car was shakin.”

“And you didn’t even bother to correct them?!”

“Tell them that I got shot? No way. It’s better this way.”

Oh, my god. “Na ano? Na ang alam nila, nagsex tayo?!”

I was fuming mad dahil sa mga naririnig ko sa pesteng ’to nang biglang mapa-ngiti siya. I was seriously tempted na dagdagan ang butas sa katawan niya dahil napa-ngiti siya.

“Ano’ng ngini-ngiti mo dyan?!” But instead of answering, he pulled me with him at saka inakbayan. Napaawang ang labi ko nang mapansin ko si Parker sa harap namin. Fuck.

Ano’ng narinig niya? He’s seriously glaring at us.

“Long time no see,” bati ni Maven kay Parker. But Parker’s eyes were on me. Na kung nakakatunaw lang talaga ang tingin, tunaw na talaga ako. “Need anything?” Maven asked dahil matagal na naka-tingin sa amin si Parker.

Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Alam ko na dapat galit ako kay Parker dahil sa mga sinabi niya pero iba na naman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon na nandito siya sa harap ko. God, he confused me again! Palagi na lang!

But instead of answering, Parker pulled me with him. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing, but she’s mine, de Marco.”

Kabanata 18

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 18 

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi ni Parker. Hindi ko alam kung nagkaroon na ba ako ng nervous breakdown dahil sa dami ng inaaral ko kaya nagkakaroon na ako ng delusions. But if this was just a product of my imagination, this felt too freaking vivid! And really cruel, too! Nahihirapan na nga akong magmove on kahit wala namang kami, tapos ganito?

“Back off,” Parker said, sounding livid.

Maven cocked his head to the side. “You’re just making me want her more, Palma.”

Parker pulled me closer. Ramdam ko iyong balat niya sa balat ko. Pasimple kong kinurot iyong sarili ko para mapatunayan ko na hindi ako delusional. Na hindi ako nababaliw sa mga nangyayari ngayon.

“Fuck off.”

Maven shrugged. “You know I always love a healthy competition,” Maven said and then turned at me. “See you later, Abby,” he said and then winked at me. Ramdam ko iyong paghigpit ng hawak sa akin ni Parker nung kinindatan ako ni Maven. God. Ako lang ba ang nape-pressure sa mga nangyayari?

Nang makaalis si Maven, naiwan ako na hindi maka-galaw sa kinatatayuan ko. I knew I was wasting my time standing here when I could be reviewing, but this was a pressing matter, too! Mas lalo akong madi-distract sa pag-aaral kung hindi ko itatanong kay Parker kung ano ang ginagawa niya. He’s one confusing guy! Iba ang ginagawa sa sinasabi! And just this once, sana naman ay magtugma na ang mga sinasabi niya sa ginagawa niya.

Gusto kong magsalita pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. There were millions of things running inside my head, but I couldn’t find a decent way to verbalize any of them. I was on the edge of madness dahil sa mga ginagawa ni Parker!

“Genesis.”

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ko ang boses niya. He slowly removed his arm on my shoulder and faced me. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang makita ko kung gaano siya ka-seryoso.

“W-what?” nauutal na sabi ko. His eyes were so intense kaya naman mas naging intense ang tibok ng puso ko. I wanted to castigate my heart and tell it to calm down, but it was hard to! Para akong tinutunaw ng titig niya.

“You’re not a thing to own,” he said, staring intently. “And this is not a game.”

I pressed my lips together, trying to hide the fact that I was slowly losing it by the way he’s speaking and looking at me.

“H-ha?” Iyon na lang ang nasabi ko.

“I’m sorry if I ignored you. I was just taking my time.”

“For what?” nagawa kong itanong.

The wind was chilly, but it wasn’t enough to dull the intensity of Parker’s stares. Para akong natutunaw sa bawat segundo na nasa akin ang mga mata niya. His eyes spoke thousands of words… and I didn’t mind waiting just as long as I get to listen to those words. Because Parker had always been my own kind of mystery. And I’d do anything just to unearth one of his secrets.

I was fucking drawn. Kahit na alam ko na masama siya para sa akin.

“To move on.”

Mas lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso.

Parang may rumaragasang tren sa loob ng dibdib ko.

“I just want to completely remove Imo from my system before I let you in.”

“And did you succeed?”

A small smile appeared on his face. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t succeed.”

Tinaas ko ang kilay ko para hindi halata na nagtagumpay siya na pakiligin ako. This was so unfair! Ang bilis-bilis niya na pag-ibahin ang mood ko. Na kahit bwisit na bwisit ako sa kanya, isang salita niya lang, nawawala agad iyong inis ko.

“Sobrang confident mo na nandito pa rin ako kapag tapos ka na sa pagmu-move on mo,” I said, trying to hide the blush on my face.

“You work in my firm. You study at my school. I know where you live,” he stated.

“Oh, tapos?”

“And if you run, I’ll chase you until you realize that there’s nowhere to run but towards me.”

Oh, my god. Bakit ganito siyang magsalita?! Gusto ba niyang mas lalo pa akong bumagsak?! Mas lalo akong hindi makakapagconcentrate dahil sa mga lumalabas sa bibig niya!

Magsasalita pa sana ako nang sabihin niya na, “I’d love to talk more, but you have to study.” Nawala iyong ngiti sa mukha ko at napansin niya yata iyon. “I’ll see you later.” I pressed my lips togethere, not saying anything. Napa-ngiti si Parker at saka hinatak ako at niyakap. “I’ll see you later.”

“Matagal ’yung exam ko.”

“I know,” he replied and then kissed the top of my head.

“Baka last na naman akong matapos.”

“I know.”

“Tapos baka bagsak na naman ako.”

“I’ll tutor you next time.”

“Talaga?”

“Yes,” he breathed and then broke the hug and looked at me. Naka-tingala ako dahil gusto kong makita iyong mga mata niya. “So, don’t look at anyone but me, alright?”

Slowly, I nodded. For months, this was all I ever wanted. To have him looking at me. To have him realize that I was here… aarte pa ba ako?

“Good girl,” he said and then kissed my forehead. “I’ll wait for you outside your room.”

“Alam mo kung saan iyong room ko?”

He nodded. “I wasn’t talking to you, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t looking.”

And if it wasn’t too forward, hinalikan ko na talaga ’tong lalaki sa harap ko. His words, grabe!

---

It was hard to concentrate lalo na kapag lumilipad ang isip mo. Hirap na hirap talaga ako na i-focus ang attention ko sa binabasa ko. Iyon bang tipo na lahat ng bagay ay nagagawan mo ng paraan para iconnect sa tao na gusto mo? Sobrang hirap!

But I knew that Parker would disapprove kapag nalaman niya na siya ang dahilan ng pagbagsak ko lalo sa mga subjects ko. Sobrang grade conscious pa naman nung tao na ’yun. Tipong kung pwede lang na mag-aral 24/7, gagawin niya. Kaya naman ayoko lang na isipin niya na hindi ako seryoso sa pag-aaral.

Good luck sa exam.

I sent him a text kasi… wala lang. I just couldn’t contain all the giddy feelings inside me. Kailangan ko lang ilabas kahit mga 5%.

Itatago ko na sana iyong phone ko dahil alam ko naman na malapit na rin magsimula iyong exams niya. Pero bago ko pa man mailagay sa bag ko, nagvibrate iyong phone ko. At nang makita ko iyong pangalan ni Parker, mabilis pa sa ala-cinco na sinagot ko ang tawag.

“Hello?” sagot ko. “Bakit?”

“Good luck,” he said.

“Sana nagtext ka na lang.”

“Wanna hear your voice.”

“Ang landi mo. Malandi ka ba talaga?” tanong ko sa kanya. Dati kasi, puro coldness ang pinaparamdam niya sa akin. Muntik ko na talaga siyang bigyan ng title na Ice Prince… tapos ngayon puro kalandian ang ipapakita niya sa akin? I swear, may 360 degree turn ang ugali ni Parker!

“No, not really,” he replied. “I’m just vocal with what I feel.”

“Wow. Ikaw? Vocal?”

And I swear, kahit wala siya sa harap ko, alam ko na naka-kunot na naman iyong noo niya! Ganyan naman ’yan palagi kapag binabara ko, e. Iyon bang parang gusto niya akong sakalin pero pinipigil niya lang?

“Maybe not before, but I’ll be very vocal from now on,” he said. “Good luck.”

“Thank you! Kinakabahan pa rin ako, pero thank you.”

“You’ll do well.”

“Pero paano kapag bumagsak na naman ako?”

“There’s still another sem,” he said, laughing tapos binabaan ako ng tawag. Grabe!

Pagpasok ko sa room at pag-upo sa pwesto ko, mabilis ako na nagsign of the cross. Bahala na si Lord sa akin. Ginawa ko naman lahat ng makakaya ko. Binasa ko with all my heart lahat ng dapat kong basahin… Bahala na lang talaga.

Kahit na excited na akong tapusin ang exam dahil alam ko na naghihintay si Parker sa akin, I took my time. Ayoko na madaliin ang mga sagot ko dahil excited na ako na makipaglandian kay Parker. Kaya naman nung finally ay contented na ako sa mga sagot ko, mabilis akong lumabas. My eyes quickly roamed around pero hindi ko nakita si Parker. Maglalakad-lakad muna sana ako para hanapin siya when someone stopped me.

“Ano na naman?” angil ko kay Maven nung harangan niya ako.

“Looking for Parker?” he asked.

“Yes. At pwedeng ’wag kang humarang?”

“He’s still answering, and no,” sagot niya. “We have a date,” he said, shrugging.

I sighed and then looked at him. “Maven de Marco,” I said.

“Abby Without A Surname,” gaya niya sa tono ko. I was tempted to punch him pero pinaalala ko sa sarili ko na may mga guards siya sa paligid so, ’wag na.

“I don’t care kung akala ng mga magulang mo na nagsex tayo sa sasakyan mo. I won’t participate in your game,” I calmly said.

Dahil ngayon na maayos kami ni Parker, ayoko na gumawa ng kung anuman na pwedeng sumira dito. Alam ko na hindi pa sigurado lahat. Alam ko na wala pang usapan kung ano kami… but I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that possibility. Even if it’s just a mere possibility, I’d like to hold on to that.

“It’s not a game,” he said.

“It’s a game, Maven. It’s all a game for you. Maybe you’re bored, maybe you’re just crazy. Hindi ko alam. But I won’t let you ruin what’s happening right now,” seryoso na sabi ko sa kanya. Sana naman maintindihan niya ako. Na ayoko na ganito, na ginugulo niya ako.

“What? Ruin what’s happening with Parker?” tanong niya habang naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. “Do you even know who Parker is?”

“Yes,” I replied kahit na malakas ang tibok ng puso ko. “I know him better than I know you. Kaya kung sisiraan mo siya sa akin, ’wag na, please. Sirang-sira na si Parker sa akin, pero nandito pa rin ako, ’di ba? Kasi gusto ko talaga siya. Gusto ko siya kahit nung may gusto pa siyang iba. Gusto ko siya kahit na nung pinapasama niya lang ang pakiramdam ko. I held on during all those time, Maven. Kaya bakit sa tingin mo ay ngayon pa ako bibitaw kung kailan nandito na siya sa harap ko?”

Tinignan ko si Maven pero hindi ko mabasa ang naiisip niya. Gusto ko lang ipaliwanag sa kanya kung ano ang naiisip ko at nararamdaman ko kahit na hindi ko naman utang na loob iyon. I just… wanted him to know how much I wanted what was finally happening. Na sana ay ’wag niyang sirain para sa akin iyon.

“So… please,” I pleaded. “Get out of my life.”

Maven looked at me and then put his hands inside his pocket. I smiled at him, knowing that he finally gave up his game. Akmang aalis na ako para hanapin si Parker nang matigilan ako.

“Genesis.”

Fuck. He knew my name!

“One of these days, he’ll make you cry. And I’ll be here waiting.” Unti-unti akong napa-tingin sa kanya. His eyes were dead serious. “Because guys like Parker? They never get the girl.”

Seryoso akong tumingin sa kanya habang naka-kuyom ang kamay ko.

“Well, guess what? He already got the girl. He already got me.”

Kabanata 19

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 19 

“He’ll get the girl, Maven. He already got me.”

Maven smiled and it made me want to punch him. “But are you the girl, Abby?” tanong niya.

Nanatili akong tahimik. Wala akong masagot sa tanong niya.

“I know Parker. We were schoolmates since then. I knew about him and Imo,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin. Nanatili na seryoso ang mukha. “Oh, wow. You know about Imo and yet, you’re still clinging onto him.”

“Just… fuck off, Maven.”

“I never pegged you as the martyr type, Abby.”

“Shut up. And get out of my face,” seryosong sabi ko sa kanya. Ayoko na na marinig pa kung ano ang sasabihin niya. Alam ko naman… but was it so wrong to hope that maybe this time, fate’s on my side?

Akala ko ay aalis na siya pero humakbang siya palapit sa akin.

“When you finally get into your senses, you know where to find me,” sabi niya at saka tinalikuran ako.

What Maven said hit a nerve, but I tried to act normal. Ayoko na mapansin ni Parker na may kakaiba sa akin. Gusto ko kasi na pag-usapan namin iyong siya—iyong nararamdaman niya. Sa aming dalawa kasi, mas siya ang maraming problema. Mas siya ang kailangang mas malinaw. Kasi ako? Hindi ko nga alam kung kailan nangyari. Kung kailan nagsimula na gusto ko na lang siya. Ang natatandaan ko, gusto ko siyang alagaan. Gusto ko siyang protektahan kasi palagi na lang siyang nasasaktan.

I had always wanted to move on from Tristan… natakot pa nga ako na baka hindi na ako magmahal ulit dahil sa mga ginawa niya sa akin. But now, I realized that moving on isn’t something you can measure in a timeframe. It happens—it will just happen.

And in my case, it happened when I met Parker.

At kahit na gusto kong tanungin si Parker sa kung ano ang nararamdaman niya, hindi ko magawa. Gusto ko na kusa niyang sabihin sa akin… ayoko na napipilitan lang siya na sabihin sa akin dahil sa tingin niya, iyon ang gusto kong marinig.

“Hey,” Parker said upon approaching me. He just came from an exam pero parang ang fresh niya pa rin. Samantalang ako, akala mo galing sa gera pagkatapos ng exams ko. Sabagay. Ang sipag naman kasing mag-aral nito. Kulang na nga lang tabihan niya matulog iyong mga libro niya, e.

I smiled. “Tapos ka na?” I asked, trying my best to act normal at kalimutan lahat ng sinabi ni Maven.

He nodded. “Yeah. Sorry, I told you I’ll be waiting.”

“Okay lang,” I replied. Mabuti na rin siguro na natagalan siya sa exams. Ayoko talaga kapag magkausap si Parker at Maven, e. Si Maven na mahilig mang-asar, si Parker na pikon. Sobrang world war kapag magkausap sila. Ako iyong sumasakit ang ulo.

Akala ko kung ano ang gagawin ni Parker kaya naman nanlaki iyong mga mata ko nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko.

“Holding hands? Seriously?” I asked habang nakakunot ang noo.

“Yeah,” he replied and tightened the hold. “Is it okay?”

“Uhm… okay naman. Hindi ko lang akalain na ikaw ’yung tipo ng lalaki na nakikipagholding hands.”

“Yeah? What kind of guy am I?” tanong niya habang nagsisimula kaming maglakad palabas na magkahawak ang kamay.

“Broody,” I answered.

“I prefer serious,” he replied. “I’m studying and at the same time, running a law firm. I have no time to slack off.”

“Pero may time kang makipagholding hands?”

He stopped from his tracks and faced me. “I’ll always be busy, but I’ll always make time for you, Gen.”

Ayan na. Ayan na naman siya!

“Talaga?” pabebe kong sagot. Aba! Ilang buwan akong hindi pinansin ni Parker! Dapat lang na sulitin ko itong pagiging malandi niya!

“Of course,” he replied, smiling. “Though you’ll be busy, too. I don’t want to be a nagger, but you need to study.”

I sighed. “Tss. Kinikilig na ako, e.”

Parker showed his rare lopsided smile and then toussled my hair. “What about this? For every quiz and exam you perfect, I’ll give you a gift.”

I arched a brow. “Ano’ng klaseng gift?”

“Name it.”

“Talaga?”

He nodded. “If I can give it to you, I will.”

“Talaga?”

He raised his hand and caressed my cheek. “I’m terribly sorry for all the months I made you feel horrible. From now on, I’ll spoil you and make you feel good,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa mga mata ko.

Napa-kagat ako sa labi ko dahil sa mga sinasabi niya. I really wanted to jump him but I knew it wasn’t appropriate! At isa pa, nasa gitna kami ng college! Baka tuluyan na talaga akong ma-chismis! Sobrang bad publicity na kaya nung pagsuntok ko kay Maven, tapos madadagdagan naman ng pakikipagmakeout kay Parker? Aba sisikat na talaga ako sa College of Law.

---

Parker asked me kung saan ko gustong kumain. I honestly wanted to just stay in with him, but I badly needed some comfort food. Feeling ko talaga naabuso iyong utak ko nung huling exam ko. Kailangan ko ng pampalubag loob.

“Chicken wings and two beer,” Parker ordered. I pressed my lips together. Bakit ba kinilig ako agad porke siya na iyong umorder para sa akin? Para bang kilala niya na talaga ako at nasa point na kami na siya na iyong oorder para sa akin?

“What?” Parker asked nung mapansin niya na naka-tingin ako sa kanya.

“Wala. Naninibago lang ako.”

“Because?”

“Ang sweet mo. Ganyan ka ba talaga?”

“Sweet? Wala pa nga akong ginagawa,” he replied.

“Wow. Ang yabang!”

Parker smiled and my heart flipped. God! Kasi naman sobrang bihirang ngumiti ni Parker kaya sa mga ganitong pagkakataon na random siyang ngumingiti, iba talaga iyong epekto sa sistema ko. Ginugulo niya talaga!

“Genesis,” he said. My heart did a double flip with the way he said my name. I had always loved my name but when Parker said it, I just fell in love with my name all over again. “I’ll seriously sweep you off your feet,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa mga mata ko.

“T-talaga?” nauutal na sabi ko dahil hindi ako makapagsalita nang maayos sa paraan ng pagkakatingin niya sa akin.

He nodded. “Yeah. So if you don’t want me, I’m sorry but I’ll do anything to make you want me, too.”

God. Paano iyong sinasabi ni Maven na guys like Parker never gets the girl? Paanong hindi niya makukuha ang babae kung ganito siya magsalita?! Parang goal niya na pakiligin ako palagi, e! Kahit nga nung sungit-sungitan pa ang peg niya, nagustuhan ko na siya… paano pa kaya ngayon na goal niya na na landiin ako every minute of the day?!

“Okay,” I simply replied.

“Okay?”

I nodded. “Let’s see you try to sweep me off my feet,” sabi ko sabay pasok ng chicken wings sa bibig ko para maitago iyong katotohanan na sweep na sweep na ako kahit wala pang effort. Ayoko naman na isipin niya na ang easy ko!

---

Naghahanda na ako para pumunta sa school. Medyo puyat nga lang ako dahil hanggang madaling araw kaming magkausap ni Nari. Syempre kailangan ko na i-share iyong kilig! Sobra kasi talagang nilandi ako ni Parker hanggang sa makauwi kami! Sobrange seryoso pala siya nung sinabi niya na lalandiin niya talaga ako. Hindi ako prepared.

Mag-aabang na sana ako ng jeep na sasakyan ko papunta sa school nang may tumigil na sasakyan sa harap ko. “Good morning,” Parker said when he rolled the window down.

“Good morning? ’Di ba mamaya pa ’yung klase mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. Alam ko kasi na ang start ng klase niya ay pagkatapos nung first class ko. Nakikita ko kasi siya palagi na papasok pa lang paglabas ko ng classroom. Syempre kahit naman wala kaming pansinan, curious pa rin ako sa mga nangyayari sa kanya dati.

“Yeah. But I’ll drive you to school. Hop in,” sagot niya at saka binuksan iyong pintuan.

“Hala. Kahit ’wag na. Okay lang naman sa akin na sumakay sa—”

“Genesis, it’s happening. I’ll drive you to school.”

“Pero mamaya pa ’yung—”

“I don’t care. Sabay tayong papasok,” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin. Napa-buntong hininga na lang ako dahil alam ko naman na seryoso siya. Hindi ko nga lang alam na ganito pala siya ka-seryoso.

Who knew na si Parker na bugnutin ay kayang manlandi nang ganito katindi? Akala ko puro pagmumukmok lang ang alam nitong gawin, e.

While he was concentrating on driving, bigla kong napansin iyong coffee sa sasakyan niya. Dalawang venti sized na coffee.

“Akin ’yung isa?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “And there’s pancakes in the paper bag. Just get it, please,” sabi niya habang nasa daan pa rin iyong mga mata niya.

Inabot ko iyong paper bag at saka nakita na may pancakes nga doon. Aba, ayos, ah. Hindi lang ako nilalandi, binubusog din ako ni Parker.

“Pwede bang kumain sa sasakyan mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. Ang ganda kasi ng interior ng sasakyan ni Parker kaya naman baka sensitive siya sa ganito. Ang linis pa kaya ayoko naman na madumihan.

“Sure,” sagot niya. Tahimik ako na kumain habang nagda-drive si Parker. Nang makarating kami sa school, sakto na tapos na rin akong kumain.

“Thank you sa food!” I said, smiling. Akala ko ay sasagot siya pero nagulat ako nang kumuha siya ng tissue at saka pinunasan iyong gilid ng labi ko.

“Messy eater,” he said, still wiping the side of my lips. Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko dahil sa ginawa niya. My eyes were zeroing in on his lips—those freaking red lips that I had always been fascinated with. Kung paano na kahit naninigarilyo si Parker, sobrang pula pa rin nung labi niya.

Tapos… tapos… bakit napunta na naman ang isip ko sa pwet niya?!

“T-thank you,” sabi ko habang pinapakalma ko ang sarili ko.

“You alright?” tanong niya.

I wanted to fan myself dahil biglang nainitan ako, pero tumango na lang ako. Ayoko na malaman ni Parker kung gaano na siya ka-violated sa utak ko.

May kinuha si Parker mula sa backseat at saka inabot sa akin. “Old notes,” he said. Kinuha ko iyong at saka binuksan. May mga sticky notes doon na naka-lagay kung saan ako dapat magfocus. May mga tips kung paano mas magiging madali na intindihin ko iyong concepts.

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya.

He should really get the fucking girl.

“What?” tanong niya.

“You’re too much. Why are you doing this?” seryosong tanong ko. He didn’t even need to put this much effort just to get me… but he still was doing it.

Parker gazed at me, his eyes searing. Iyong puso ko, mas naging doble ang bilis. I was tempted to just kiss him, but I stopped myself.

“I know I’m not the easiest person to be with—”

“You’re not the easiest person to be with, but you’re worth all the trouble, Parker,” I reminded him. Alam ko na kailangan kong iparamdam sa kanya na worth it siya. Dahil sa lahat ng nangyari sa buhay niya, baka nawalan na siya ng kumpiyansa sa sarili niya… but I promised that I’d build that confidence back.

I’d be everything he needed… and wanted.

“Screw everyone who told you you’re not worth it,” sabi ko at saka hinawakan iyong mukha niya. I caressed his cheek using my thumb and smiled a little. “You’re worth it, Parker… at least, for me.”

And maybe I was easy… because we had no labels—all I knew was that he’s going to sweep me off of my feet, but I let him kiss me, anyway.

Kabanata 20

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 20 

“Bakla ka! I’m so happy for you!” sabi ni Nari habang tumatalon-talon. Dahil sa sobrang excitement niya, napatalon na rin tuloy ako. Sobrang nakakahawa talaga ang energy ng isang ’to! Hindi ko talaga akalain na mas matanda siya sa akin dahil sobrang energetic niya. Ang hyper!

“Thank you!” I replied, beaming. Sabay kaming tumalon-talon, hindi pinapansin iyong mga tao na tinitignan kami dahil sa totoo lang, para talaga kaming baliw dalawa ni Nari.

Finals already ended at as much as possible, ayokong isipin ang grades ko roon dahil baka ma-depress lang talaga ako. Ang iniisip ko na lang, I already did my best… bahala na sa grades. At saka nag-e-effort naman talaga ako na mag-aral. Ayoko lang na i-depress ang sarili ko dahil baka mas lalo akong mangamote.

“San tayo? Libre mo ko!” she said.

“Ay grabe? Ikaw ’yung may trabaho sa atin, tapos ako ang manlilibre?” sabi ko sa kanya. Sobrang kuripot talaga nito. Ang yaman-yaman ng asawa tapos nagagawa pang magpalibre? Unfair.

“Ay? Ako ba ang nagka-lovelife? Ikaw kaya! Nakuha mo na finally si Parker! Nako! Kinikilig talaga ako!” Tawang-tawa ako sa reaction niya dahil mukha talaga siyang kinikilig.

“Hindi ka ba pinapa-kilig ni Preston kaya ka kinikilig sa lovelife ko?”

“Nako, ’yang si Preston e puro pagpeperform ang alam,” sabi niya at saka kinawit ang braso niya sa braso ko. “Libre mo akong chicken joy tapos kwentuhan mo ako ng happenings lately,” she continued.

Napailing na lang ako pero pumayag na rin ako. After all, kailangan ko talaga ng mapapagkwentuhan! Grabe kasi si Parker. Hindi ko alam kung saan kumukuha ng time lumandi. Busy sa pag-aaral at sa pagtulong sa firm pero bawat araw, may time pa rin siya.

I let Nari order habang naghintay ako sa table. While waiting, my phone vibrated. Automatic na napa-ngisi ako nung makita ko iyong pangalan ni Parker.

“Yes?” I answered.

“Where are you?” he asked, his voice a little husky. Napa-tingin ako at nasa counter pa naman si Nari. Hindi kasi ako comfortable na kausap si Parker tapos may ibang nakikinig. Ewan ko ba.

“Kasama ko si Nari,” I replied. “Bakit?”

“Just finished with work. I was about to ask you for dinner. Maybe tomorrow?”

I sighed. “Uwi ka na lang tapos puntahan kita ’dun. Ano bang gusto mong kainin?” I asked him. Nakapagpromise na kasi ako kay Nari na siya ang kasama ko sa dinner. Ayoko naman na maging babae na nagka-love life lang, nakalimutan na ang kaibigan.

“Anything sounds good,” he replied and then yawned. Bigla naman akong naawa kay Parker. Literal na wala na talagang tulog ang isang ’to. Hinahati niya ang oras niya sa school, sa firm, at saka akin. Medyo nakakakonsensya pero… haaaay.

“Okay, sige. Pero pa-drive ka na lang pauwi. Baka maka-tulog ka pa sa manibela,” I reminded him.

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied.

“Seryoso nga kasi,” bilin ko sa kanya. Kaka-simula pa lang ng pagpapakilig niya sa akin kaya hindi niya pa talaga ako pwedeng iwan!

“Alright, alright,” he said, yawning again. “Text me your location. Papa-sundo na lang kita.”

“Hala, hindi kasama ko naman si Nari. Idadaan niya na lang ako diyan.”

“Is she not drunk?” surprised na sabi ni Parker. Grabe talaga! Pero seryoso din, may alcohol problems yata ’tong si Nari—pero sa wine lang naman. At saka hindi naman ako sasakay sa sasakyan niya kung lasing si Nari. Tatawagan ko agad si Preston dahil ang bilin sa akin ni Preston, i-contact siya once na maka-hawak ng kahit isang baso ng wine si Nari dahil nag-iiba talaga ang mood nung lukaret na ’yun.

“No. Nasa Jollibee kami kaya wala siyang iinumin dito. Sige na, uwi ka na. Gigisingin na lang kita kapag tapos na akong magluto.”

“Okay. See you,” he said. Nagsabi lang din ako ng see you at ingat. Sakto na parating na si Nari at may hawak na tray.

“Si Parker ’yun?” she asked and I nodded. “Ay, ganon lang? Wala man lang I love you? See you lang?”

“I love you ka dyan. Wala pa kami sa ganon,” sabi ko sabay abot ng fries.

“E nasaang level pa lang ba kayo? Nakaka-ilang kiss na kaya kayo!” sabi ni Nari at nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil may katabi pa kaming pamilya! Tapos may mga bata pa! Mali yata na sa Jollibee pa kami kumain at nag-usap ng ganito.

“Ganitong mga tanong ba ang itatanong mo?” I asked and she nodded. Binitbit ko iyong bucket ng chicken joy at sinundan niya ako palabas habang dala iyong pineapple juice niya.

“Gaga ka! Ginawa mo pa akong magnanakaw ng baso ng Jollibee!” sabi niya habang nasa likod ko. Pumasok kami sa sasakyan niya at saka doon kami kumain. At least dito, libre na siyang tanungin ako. Nakaka-ilan naman kasi na wholesome na family ang katabi namin tapos mga halfsome na tanong ang sinasabi. Wala pa namang filter sa bibig ’tong si Nari.

“So… ano nga ang score sa inyo ni Parker? One week na ’yan, ah.”

I shrugged. “Nag-e-enjoy lang,” I replied because it was the truth. Simula nung pumayag ako na halikan niya ako, hindi pa rin ako nagtatanong tungkol kay Imo… kung ano na ba talaga. Maybe I was afraid to know the answer… kasi ’di ba sabi nila, if you can’t handle the truth, stop asking questions. Kaya dahil masunurin naman ako, sinunod ko.

“Okay lang sa ’yo na ganon lang?” she asked.

“Okay lang… one week pa lang naman.”

“One week pa lang ngayon… Tapos sa susunod, two weeks na, hanggang sa magulat ka, one month na. Ieexted mo nang ieextend hanggang sa makuntento ka na sa kung ano ’yung meron. Kasi ano ba naman ’yung one week pa e isang taon ka na nagtyaga sa enjoy-enjoy lang, ’di ba?” she stated habang tinatanggalan ng balat iyong chicken joy.

“Grabe ’yang imagination mo!”

“Totoo naman kasi. I know, buhay mo ’yan kaya as much as possible, kilig-kilig lang ako sa inyo ni Parker. Pero bilang friend mo, responsibility ko rin na makielam minsan lalo na kapag nakikita ko na hindi na fair sa ’yo.”

I sighed. “Pero kasi… natatakot akong tanungin. Paano kung hindi pa pala siya naka-move on?”

“Bakit ikaw? Naka-move on ka na ba sa ex mo?”

I shrugged. “Hindi ko alam. Siguro? Hindi na sumasakit iyong ulo ko kapag iniisip ko si Tristan. Pero nag-aalala pa rin naman ako sa kanya… pero wala na iyong kilig,” paliwanag ko. Iyon na ba ang sign na naka-move on na ako? Hindi ko alam. Pero alam ko na parte pa rin si Tristan ng buhay ko. I’d always care for him kahit na gaano pa siya ka-jerk sa akin.

“Oh, e baka ganoon din si Parker kay Mary. Baka genuine na nag-aalala na lang ang feelings niya.”

Napa-hinto ako. Bakit… parang hindi pa rin ako kuntento kapag ganoon? Pero alam ko naman na hindi ko kayang burahin si Imo sa buhay ni Parker. Alam ko naman ’yun… pero hindi pa rin maaalis iyong disappointing feeling sa loob ko.

“I… don’t know,” I said, scared. Napansin yata ni Nari iyong pag-iiba ng mood ko. She looked apologetic.

“Pero ’di ba sabi niya naka-move on na siya?” I nodded. “Then just re-affirm it.”

“E paano kung hindi?”

Nari reached for my head and patted me. “You know your worth.”

---

Hindi naubos ni Nari iyong chicken joy pero pinauwi ko na sa kanya tutal hinubaran niya na lahat nung manok. Dinaan niya lang ako sa bahay nila Parker tapos umuwi na siya sa kanila.

Pagpasok ko sa bahay ni Parker—na nakakapasok na ako dahil binigyan niya ako ng susi—dumiretso ako sa kusina para magluto. Habang naghihiwa ako, siguro sobrang distracted ako sa mga sinabi ni Nari kaya imbes na sibuyas e ’yung daliri ko ang nahiwa ko. Tapos ’yung sa writing hand pa! Ang malas nga naman, oh! Dami ko pa namang sinusulat!

Hinugasan ko muna iyong sugat ko at saka hinanap iyong first aid kit ni Parker. Naka-ilang ikot na ako sa bahay niya pero hindi ko mahanap. I finally gave up at saka umakyat na lang ako.

Pagkakita ko kay Parker, natutulog siya. Nanatili na nakatayo ako at saka tinignan siya. I sighed.

“Bakit kapag parang masaya na… hindi pa rin pala?” I whispered as I stared at him. Kahit kasi ayokong masyadong isipin iyong mga sinabi ni Nari, hindi ko pa rin mapigilan. I knew she had a point. I was just delaying the inevitable. Alam ko naman na dadating ang panahon na kailangan kong tanungin si Parker tungkol sa nararamdaman niya kay Imo… but still, that didn’t lessen the fear that I had.

Kasi kahit hindi ko alam lahat ng nangyari, mayroon akong ideya. Ideya kung gaano kalalim ’yung pinagsamahan nila ni Imo. Nakakatakot kapag alam mo na may chance na kahit kailan, hindi mo matumbasan ’yung samahan na ’yun.

God. Sometimes, you just want to get rid of feelings. Sobrang complicated.

I was staring at Parker for a while when he stirred from his sleep dahil sa alarm. Aabutin ko sana para patayin dahil alam ko na kailangan niya nang tulog, nung makita niya ako.

“You’re here,” he said, medyo naka-pikit pa iyong mata niya.

I nodded and smiled a little. “Yeah…” I trailed. “Tulog ka pa.”

But instead of listening to me, he gently pulled me with him kaya napaupo ako sa harap niya. Bigla naman akong nahiya dahil sigurado ako na ang haggard na ng itsura ko tapos si Parker, just woke up like this lang ang peg pero ang gwapo pa rin. Minsan, wala talagang hustisya sa mundo.

“Kakarating mo lang?” he asked, medyo pupungay-pungay pa ang mga mata.

I shook my head. “Kanina pa.”

“I thought you’ll wake me up?” sabi niya.

“Hindi pa ako tapos magluto, e,” I replied. “At saka bakit ka ba naka-alarm?”

“Baka kasi dumating ka na. Didn’t want to miss you,” he casually replied and then yawned again. Pambihirang tao ’to. Antok na antok na dahil sa dami ng ginagawa niya sa buhay pero nagawa pa ring mag-alarm para lang maabutan ako.

Paano na talaga ’yung worth na sinasabi ni Nari? Kasi feeling ko talaga malapit na akong dumating sa point na wala na akong pakielam.

I raised my hand and caressed his cheek. I smiled at him, fascinated by the fact that even though he had already seen the worst of me, he still wanted me… kahit hindi pa siya sigurado.

“Hindi naman ako aalis.”

“Yeah, I know. I just didn’t want to risk it,” he replied and then reached for my hand and then held it. He’s still afraid. He’s still haunted by his past.

Tipid akong ngumiti para hindi niya mapansin iyong paglamlam ng pakiramdam ko. “Baba muna ako. Hindi pa ako tapos sa niluluto ko, e,” I said and then tried to pull my hand from his pero mahigpit iyong hawak niya sa akin. “What?” I asked dahil ayaw niyang bitawan ang kamay ko.

“Is there a problem?” he asked. I shook my head. “Really?”

“Wala nga. Paranoid ka lang,” sagot ko.

“Alright. If there’s a problem, I’d rather talk about it than avoid it,” seryosong sagot niya habang naka-tingin sa mata ko.

“Wala ngang problema,” sagot ko ulit sa kanya. Pero baka napapansin niya na nagsisinungaling ako. After all, he’s training to be a lawyer. Of course he’d know when I was just bluffing.

But Parker chose to let it go and sighed. “If you have a question, ask. I’ll tell you the truth.”

Pero baka iyon nga ang problema… ayoko na malaman iyong totoo kasi natatakot ako na masaktan.

---

Parker didn’t continue his sleep kahit pinilit ko siya na matulog na lang. Nauna lang akong bumaba at saka sumunod din siya sa akin. Medyo basa iyong buhok niya kaya siguro naghilamos siya.

“What are you making?” tanong niya nang maka-upo siya sa stool.

“Pasta lang. Or gusto mo ba ng rice?” I asked.

“It’s fine,” he replied, still watching my every move. Nagconcentrate na lang ako sa pagluluto para hindi ko masyadong maisip iyong mga sinasabi ni Parker.

Habang busy ako, bigla siyang nagsalita.

“Genesis,” he called my name. Sumagot ako habang naka-talikod sa kanya. Naaapektuhan kasi iyong judgment ko ng mukha ni Parker. “Do you want to come with me this weekend?” tanong niya.

“Saan?”

“Cayden’s Christening,” sabi niya kaya natigilan ako. “But it’s fine if you don’t want to come.”

God. Bakit kahit ano’ng iwas mo, problema pa rin ’yung lumalapit sa ’yo? I mean, hindi naman ako galit doon sa kapatid ni Imo dahil ano bang malay niya? Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi bakit ba ganito ako ka-affected? Hindi naman ako ganitong ka-insecure dati! Pero ngayon, lahat na lang may problema ako!

“Genesis…” tawag ni Parker nang isang minuto na ay hindi pa rin ako sumasagot.

“N-nandon ba si Imo?” I asked. Lumingon ako para tignan siya. I saw something in his eyes when I mentioned her name. Fuck.

Nanginginig iyong kamay ko pero nagawa kong kumuha ng plato. “M-may group meeting nga pala kami sa weekend. Ikaw na lang ang pumunta.”

Napahinto ako sa ginagawa ko nang maramdaman ko iyong kamay ni Parker sa bewang ko.

“If you don’t want me to go, just say the word,” he whispered.

But that’s the thing… I didn’t want him to forget her because he thought it’s what I would want… I wanted him to forget her because he’s truly over her.

Kabanata 21

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 21 

Nung Sabado, nagkulong ako sa apartment dahil marami akong kailangang pag-aralan. Sabay dapat kami ni Parker na mag-aaral kaya lang may kailangan siyang puntahan para sa firm. Okay lang naman sa akin since aware naman ako na marami akong kahati sa oras niya. Hindi naman ako selosa talaga. Kahit nung kay Tristan, masyado akong complacent sa relationship namin. Siguro kasi akala ko, ginagawa ko naman lahat ng tama. I was faithful, I was dedicated… hindi ko alam na kulang pa pala iyong dalawa na ’yun.

I didn’t want to make the same mistake that I did with Tristan… pero ayoko rin naman na pagbawalan si Parker.

Kaya siguro pangaral ng mga matatanda na magboyfriend na kapag tapos na sa pag-aaral. Sobrang distracting talaga.

When Sunday came, maaga pa lang ay may kumakatok na sa labas ng apartment.

“Good morning,” Parker said, with a cup of coffee in his hand. May paperbag din siya ng Starbucks sa kabilang kamay. Hobby kasi niya na dalhan ako ng breakfast dahil sabay naman kaming pumapasok sa school.

“Good morning,” I replied with my hoarse voice. “Ang aga pa, ah,” I commented. Sanay kasi ako na kapag ganitong weekend, late na nagigising si Parker para magbawi ng tulog. Tuwing weekdays kasi, literal na wala siyang tulog. Swerte na ang four hours sa kanya.

“Yeah. Tita Imogen said I need to be at the church before 9,” sabi niya. “Did I wake you up?” I nodded habang medyo napipikit pa iyong mga mata ko. Past 3 am na nung natapos ako na magmemorize. “Alright. Go back to sleep,” he said, smiling gently.

Tahimik ako na tumango. Sunday na pala ngayon.

Parker was looking at me. “I won’t stay there for too long,” sabi niya na parang pinapagaan ang loob ko. I just nodded, not really wanting to talk about it.

“Genesis…” pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko.

“Yes?”

He sighed, probably feeling that I was in no mood to further discuss kung paano na magkikita na naman sila ni Imo mamaya. Kahit pala na sa America nakatira si Imo, parang nandito lang din siya. Palaging umuuwi… palaging nakikita…

“Nothing. I’ll see you later,” sabi niya at saka tumalikod at naglakad palayo. I watched him walk away from me and then sighed. Ganito na lang talaga yata palagi.

Nang makaalis siya, hindi na ako nakabalik sa tulog. I felt guilty for acting cold dahil lang sa personal insecurities ko. Pero hindi ko rin naman kasi kaya pa na sabihin sa kanya… nakakatakot kasi talaga na marinig kung anuman ang sagot niya. Sa ngayon, kuntento na ako sa uncertainties.

Tahimik ko na kinain iyong dala niya na breakfast at saka nagsend ng text sa kanya. Ingat ka. Hindi na ako nag-expect ng reply dahil deserve ko naman kung magsusuplado siya sa akin. Pero nabigla ako nung maka-receive ako ng reply. I will. See you later.

Haaay. Nag-iba na ba talaga si Parker? Kasi kung dati ko sa kanya ginawa ’yun, sigurado na minimum of two weeks bago niya ulit ako kausapin. Pero ngayon, kahit aminado ako na ako ang may problema, sumasagot pa rin siya.

Mabilis akong naligo tapos dumiretso sa school. Nagtext ako kay Parker na doon na lang kami magkita. May kailangan din kasi akong kunin para sa isa kong subject. Pagdating ko roon, nagulat ako dahil may nanghiram nung research book.

“Pwede pong malaman kung sino ang nanghiram?” I asked the librarian. Kailangan ko kasi talaga iyong research dahil nandun iyong data na kailangan ko.

“Maven de Marco,” tipid na sabi nung librarian.

Fuck. Really?

Gusto ko pa sanang tanungin iyong librarian kung sure siya na sa dinami-dami ng tao sa College of Law, si Maven ba talaga ’yung nanghiram? Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ko kakausapin iyong tao! I basically told him to go fuck himself nung huli kaming nagkita! Tapos biglang kakausapin ko siya kasi may kailangan ako?

I sighed and sighed and paced around the hall. Kung… magsosorry ba ako sa kanya, ipapahiram niya? Pero paano ko rin siya kakausapin? Wala naman akong number niya. Though alam ko kung saang condo siya naka-tira… pero weird naman kung pupuntahan ko siya doon!

God. Ang hirap talaga kapag alam mo na delikado na iyong grades mo! Nagiging desperado ka sa mga bagay!

Pumunta ako sa library para mag-Internet. May facebook naman siguro si Maven. I immediately searched Maven de Marco sa Internet at napataas ang kilay ko nang makita ko na may ilang mga fanpages na dedicated sa kanya. Akalain mo na hindi lang pala sa college sikat.

Sobrang private ng account ni Maven kaya profile picture lang ang nandoon. It was a picture of him wearing a tux habang seryoso na naka-tingin sa camera. Akala ko talaga selfie ang profile pic niya kasi siya iyong klase ng tao na vain at mahal na mahal ang sarili.

I couldn’t exactly hit the add button kahit gustuhin ko pa dahil walang add na naka-lagay. Parang as much as possible, gusto niya na invisible ang facebook niya. So, I opted to send him a message… na nawalan din ako ng pag-asa dahil agad na nagnotify sa akin na sa filtered message mapupunta. God! E bukas ko na kailangan ’yung book! Tapos kailangan nabasa ko na iyong at least half mamayang gabi kung gusto ko na mabuhay pa ako!

I tried kung mayroong soft copy nung book online pero wala talaga akong nakita.

And so I found myself hailing a cab at nagpahatid sa condo ni Maven.

Pagdating ko sa condo niya, nandoon lang ako sa lobby. Nagtyaga ako na mag-abang kung bababa siya pero wala namang dumadaan. Pero in fairness! Marami akong artista na nakita! High end pala talaga ’tong si Maven, e.

I looked at my watch at malapit na mag 2pm. Ganoong oras daw kasi makakaalis si Parker sa binyag. I was gritting my teeth. Kailangan ko na talaga iyong libro!

“Can I know what the unit number of Maven de Marco?” tanong ko roon sa receptionist.

“I’m sorry, Miss, but Mr. de Marco’s room is for allowed visitors only,” paliwanag niya sa akin. “But if you can call him personally and tell him that you’re here, he’ll call us and we’ll accommodate you.”

I sighed. Kung kahapon ko pa sana hiniram iyong libro, e ’di sana wala na akong ganitong problema!

Papatalikod na sana ako para maupo ulit at mag-isip ng bagong tactic nung mapahinto ako dahil may naka-tingin sa akin na babae.

“Abby?” sabi nung babae. God! May nametag ba na Abby na naka-suot sa akin?! O mukha bang Abby talaga ang pangalan ko?!

“P-po?” sagot ko doon sa babae.

“Are you waiting for Maven?” tanong niya. Of course it’s related to Maven! Akala ko si Cayden lang ang bininyagan ngayon, pati talaga ako nabinyagan na ng pangalan na Abby!

Hindi ako makasagot dahil mabilis na naka-angkla na iyong braso ko sa braso niya at ginigiya ako papunta sa elevator. Oh, my God. What was happening?!

“We were waiting for you the last time, but Maven said that you were feeling sick,” concerned na sabi niya. Ni hindi ako makasagot dahil hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.

Nang tumigil iyong elevator, lumabas kami at bakit nga ba ako nagulat na buong floor ang okupado ni Maven?

“Maven!” malakas na sabi nung babae.

“What?” sagot ni Maven. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko na naglalakad siya palapit sa amin ng topless. He was also drying his hair with a towel. Napa-tigil siya nang makita niya ako. Agad na kumunot ang noo niya.

“Please look decent, Maven. Your girlfriend’s here,” sabi nung babae. Swear, kung may iniinom lang talaga ako, kanina pa ako nabilaukan!

Maven cocked his head. “Yeah… my girlfriend’s here. I wonder why,” makahulugang sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin.

Nang umalis si Maven para magbihis, agad akong na-corner ng babae na nanay niya pala. God! Hindi pa rin pala sinasabi ni Maven na wala naman talagang kami! Desidido talaga siya na ’wag magmukhang playboy sa mga magulang niya! Pero ayos lang sa kanya na pinagkamalan kaming nagsesex sa sasakyan niya! Hindi ko gets ang ayos ng priorities niya sa buhay!

“Do you have a date today?” naka-ngiti na tanong nung Mama niya.

“P-po?”

“Don’t be shy, Abby. I have long waited for Maven to introduce a girlfriend!” masayang sabi niya. “Is he treating you right?”

Ngayon ko lang talaga pinagdasal na dumating na si Maven! Hindi ko kinakaya ang mga katanungan ng nanay niya! Daig pa si Boy Abunda! At saka wala naman akong maisasagot! Hindi naman ako kagaya ni Maven na malawak ang imagination!

Nang sa wakas ay dumating na si Maven, naka-hinga na ako nang maluwag.

“What brings you here, Ma?” Maven asked, fully clothed this time.

“There’s a party at Malacañang later. Your lolo demands complete attendance,” sabi nung nanay ni Maven. “You should bring Abby.”

I was tempted to correct her. Hindi. Ako. Si. Abby.

“I have cases to study, Ma.”

“I know… but you know your lolo.”

Maven grunted. “Fine. But after the photo ops, I’m leaving.”

“Alright. But make sure you’ll be there. It’s really important and you know it, Maven,” paalala nung nanay. “And you can also introduce Abby to your friends. Psalm and his brothers will be there.”

I was officially lost. Hindi ko na kilala iyong mga pangalan na sinasabi nila at mas lalong hindi ako interesado na umattend sa okasyon sa Malacañang. I mean, oo, kasama sa bucketlist ko na pumasok doon pero hindi naman sa ganitong pagkakataon.

Finally, nagpaalam na rin na aalis na ang Mama ni Maven dahil may aasikasuhin pa raw siya. At binilin niya sa akin na dapat daw ay makita niya ako mamaya. At ako naman, napa-oo! Ang hirap kaya mandisappoint ng matanda lalo na kapag mabait sa ’yo!

Maven was looking at me, his head cocked to the side. Ito talaga ’yung tipo ng tao na hindi pa nagsasalita, nayayabangan ka na.

“I’m surprised to see you here so soon, Abby. Did he already make you cry?”

“May kailangan ako sa ’yo.”

“Really? I wonder what,” he said, still in the mood to piss me.

“Iyong research book na hiniram mo sa lib kahapon, kailangan ko,” sabi ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya.

“And why would I give you that?”

“Kasi kailangan ko?” I replied. “Lahat ba ng bagay kailangan may ulterior motive pagdating sa ’yo?”

Maven shrugged and then got himself a bottled water at saka binuksan iyon habang diretso pa rin sa akin ang tingin. “How much do you need the book?”

“I really need the book.”

“Okay,” sagot niya.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll give you the book. But you have to be my date for tonight.”

“What? No!” mabilis na sagot ko. E ’di mas lalo kaming nagkagulo ni Parker! May issue pa nga ako kay Imo, tapos dadagdagan ko iyong issue niya kay Maven? E ’di hindi na talaga kami naging maayos.

“It’s just a date, Abby.”

“May boyfriend na ako.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Your boyfriend’s enjoying with Imo. I don’t see what’s so wrong if you’ll indulge my request,” sabi niya habang may kinakalikot sa cellphone niya.

Napakuyom ang kamao ko dahil sa narinig ko mula sa kanya. I calmed myself. Goal ni Maven na siraan sa akin si Parker… hindi dapat ako magpaapekto.

“It’s just a date, Abby. Why is it okay for Parker to go with Imo, but wrong for you to go with me?”

I stared at him, my teeth gritted.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“I’m not an asshole, Abby. You just can’t accept that I’m saying the truth,” he said and then smiled at me. Umiwas ako ng tingin kaya nakita ko iyong cellphone niya at mayroong picture sa newsfeed niya. It was a group picture… but my eyes automatically zoomed on Parker and Imo.

God. Why was jealousy such a green-eyed monster?

“Okay,” I told him. “But first, give me the damned book.”

Kabanata 22

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 22 

When Maven gave me the book, he just looked at me while his hands were crossed over his chest. Naka-sandal din siya sa gilid ng pintuan at naaalibadbaran ako sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa akin.

“Don’t worry, pupunta ako,” sabi ko sa kanya habang nilalagay sa bag ko iyong libro na binigay niya.

“Don’t sweat it. You’ll just get bored at the party,” he said.

“So… pwede na hindi ako pumunta?” tanong ko habang naka-kunot ang noo. I really didn’t get his deal. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto niyang mangyari. Sobrang gulo niyang kausap at tuwing may sasabihin siya sa akin, kahit gaano pa siya kapani-paniwala, palagi kong sinasaksak sa isip ko na si Maven ang kausap ko. He’s not one to be trusted.

“Sure,” he said. “I’m sure you’d like to talk with your boyfriend more… that is if he’s not with Imo,” nang-uuyam na sabi niya.

Arguing with Maven was futile. He’d just keep on attacking me hanggang sumuko na ako. Napapagod na ako makipagtalo sa kanya. Napapagod na ako na pasukan iyong isip ko ng kung anu-ano tungkol kay Parker. Ni hindi na nga ako mapakali sa mga sarili kong naiisip, tapos dadagdagan pa niya?

“Look, Maven,” sabi ko nang kalmado. “I will help you with your problem. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan kong magpanggap na girlfriend mo because clearly, you can get anyone anytime,” pagpapatuloy ko. He’s the Maven de Marco. I was sure that girls would do anything to get a piece of him. Too bad that I wasn’t most girls.

And I just wanted to get this over with. Magpapanggap ako na girlfriend… at eventually, gagawa din ako ng paraan para maghiwalay kami. Kung hindi magawan ng paraan ni Maven, ako na lang ang gagawa. Ayoko na ng problema.

At kay Parker pa nga lang, sobrang problemado na ako… dadagdagan ko pa ba?

“But for me to be able to help you, I have a condition,” sabi ko at napansin ko na nakahalukipkip lang siya at naka-tingin sa akin. “Please stop poisoning me mind.”

Ayokong masaktan ulit… pero mas lamang sa akin iyong ayaw kong masaktan si Parker. Dahil sa mga nangyayari, alam ko na kapag nagpatuloy ito, pareho lang kami na masasaktan. He’s clearly not yet over Imo and I was doubting his every move.

Na para bang kahit ano ang gawin niya, kahit ano ang sabihin niya, hindi ko magawang maniwala na wala na talaga. Na tapos na talaga.

Nanatili ako na naka-tingin kay Maven, hinihintay ang sagot niya. Alam ko naman kasi na hindi ko siya magagawang iwasan dahil nasa iisang college lang kami… at kahit subukan ko, hindi ko alam pero nagku-krus pa rin iyong landas namin. Tapos nakilala pa ako ng Mama niya. Mas nagiging mahirap lang iyong sitwasyon.

“If you really trust Parker, no amount of words from me can make you doubt him,” sabi niya habang makahulugan na naka-tingin sa akin.

He took a step forward. “You know what this means, Abby?” he said while his eyes never left mine. “It means that you never trusted him in the first place.”

“I trust him.”

Maven arched his brow. “Really? Then why does a single picture bother you?” tanong niya. Napaawang ang labi ko dahil napansin niya pala na naka-tingin sa kanina sa phone niya. “It’s just a picture, Abby, but you’re already this bothered… what more if you learned about everything?”

“Shut up.”

He just grinned. “Why are you even with him if you don’t trust him?” tanong niya sa akin.

“I like him,” pagtatanggol ko sa relasyon namin ni Parker.

“Yeah, sure, I could see that you like him so much that you don’t trust him,” he said, mocking me.

“What do you even know about relationships, Maven? Wala ka naman palang girlfriend.”

“But I know better than to be in a relationship if I’m not sure,” he said, shrugging. “I just don’t see the point of being in one if I don’t trust the other person.”

“You don’t fucking trust anyone,” I hissed. Sa mga nalaman ko tungkol sa kanya, alam ko na piling-piling tao lang ang kinakausap niya sa school… which made people crave for his attention. If they only knew what a toxic person he was.

“And you don’t trust Parker,” he shot back. Napakuyok ako ng kamao.

I grabbed the book and then placed it inside my bag. “Just shut up kung gusto mo na samahan pa kita mamayang gabi.” Mabilis akong naglakad papunta sa pintuan niya dahil ayokong makinig pa sa kung anuman na sasabihin niya.

“Abby,” pagtawag niya sa akin. Hindi ako huminto. Patuloy ako sa paglalakad. He’s just poisoning my mind! “You flew too close to the sun. You’re about to get burned.”

---

Hanggang sa makaalis ako sa pad ni Maven, binagabag ako ng sinabi niya. Was he right? Wala lang ba talaga akong tiwala kay Parker kaya sobrang bilis kong maniwala sa mga sinasabi niya? Na kahit iyong simpleng picture lang—it wasn’t even only them in the picture—sobrang hindi na agad ako mapakali?

Or maybe because I didn’t want to be cheated on again. Kasi sobrang sakit sa pakiramdam. Magsisimula ka na kwestyunin lahat ng bagay sa sarili mo… kung saan ka nagkulang… kung saan ka nagkamali.

It would break you.

It would make you question everything.

It would make you afraid to risk anything again.

“Hey.”

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nang makita ko si Parker. He was still wearing the same shirt na nakita ko sa picture na kasama niya si Imo. Huminga ako nang malalim para matigil kung anuman ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

Trust. I should trust him… wala pa naman siyang ginagawa…

“Sorry, traffic,” he said. Mataman siya na naka-tingin sa akin na parang sinusukat kung maayos na ba ang mood ko. Pinilit ko na ngumiti at umakto na normal lang ako.

“Okay lang, nagbabasa naman ako,” I said and showed him the book that Maven gave me.

Parker nodded at saka kinuha iyong dala ko na paperbag. Sabay kaming naglakad palabas at saka tinanong niya kung ano ang gusto kong gawin. I felt that he was treading on a thin ice—na alam niya na wala ako sa mood kaya hanggang maaari, wala siyang ginagawa.

“You wanna eat?” he asked me nung nasa loob na kami ng sasakyan niya.

I shook my head. “Kumain ka na, ’di ba?” sabi ko habang sinusuot iyong seatbelt.

“Are you mad?”

“Hindi.”

I heard him sigh. “Gen…” malambing na sabi niya. Napakapit ako nang mahigpit sa seatbelt. Why was I so fucking affected with everything that Maven said?!

“What?” I said but it seemed like I snapped at him. Hindi ko mapigilan. I just wanted him to give it up. Ayokong pag-usapan. Hindi ako handa. Ayokong malaman.

Parker’s hands were on the steering wheel. Sinandal niya rin iyong ulo niya sa manibela. Diretso akong naka-tingin sa harapan. Walang nagsasalita sa loob ng ilang segundo.

“If you didn’t want me to go, why didn’t you just say so?”

I pursed my lips. I had an answer, but my answer would just disappoint him. Alam ko kasi na ilang beses ko sinabi sa kanya na okay lang… na tutulungan ko siya na makalimot kay Imo. Na okay lang sa akin na maghintay hanggang sa maging okay na talaga siya… but those were just words. Iba pa rin pala sa pakiramdam kapag nasa mismong sitwasyon ka na.

Ang hirap na nasa ’yo na, pero alam mo na may kahati ka pa rin.

Na kahit hindi niya na makukuha iyong gusto niya, parang tanga pa rin siya na umaasa… at ikaw, mas tanga na umaasa sa taong umaaasa sa iba.

“If you told me not to go, hindi naman ako pupunta.”

Ramdam ko na naka-tingin siya sa akin pero hindi pa rin ako nagsalita.

“I didn’t even talk to her!” sabi niya na biglang tumaas ang boses. I clenched my fist and stopped myself from arguing with him. “She’s my best friend and I didn’t talk to her kasi alam ko na ayaw mo!”

He was frustrated with me pero mas lalong frustrated na ako sa nangyayari. Sandali pa lang kami pero ganito na agad! Sandali na masaya… tapos puro pagdududa.

Baka nga mabilis.

Baka nga nagmadali.

“Siguro mali.”

Natigilan siya. “What?”

Huminga ako nang malalim at saka tinignan siya. “Siguro mali na tayo na agad, Parker. We’re not yet ready—”

“I’m fucking ready!” he cut me off.

“No, you’re not! Tignan mo nga, nag-aaway na agad tayo!”

He clenched his jaw. “Because you’re not telling me anything! How would I know if you won’t say it?!” Pinilit ko na tatagan iyong sarili ko kahit na nararamdaman ko na naiiyak na ako. “What, Genesis? Bakit ayaw mong magsalita? Ano ba kasi ’yung gusto mo?” mahinang sabi niya. I remained silent.

“Gen… please, tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Ayoko na.”

“Ayaw mo na saan? Please tell me and I’ll stop doing it,” he pleaded. Sobrang ramdam ko na nasasaktan na siya pero alam ko na kailangan ko ’tong gawin.

Alam ko naman na ako iyong may kasalanan… I didn’t trust him. Hindi ko pa kaya. Kasi alam ko na hindi pa rin siya sa akin. Na iba pa rin ’yung gusto niya… ano ba kasi ’yung naisip ko kung bakit ako pumayag na maging kami kahit alam ko na marami pa rin akong hindi alam? Na maraming bagay tungkol sa kanya iyong hindi ako sigurado?

“Ayoko na sa ’tin,” sabi ko at mabilis na bumaba sa sasakyan niya. Halos takbuhin ko na para lang makalayo sa kanya pero hindi ko nagawa. I could hear him following me kaya mas binilisan ko… pero nahabol niya pa rin ako.

“Genesis, ano bang problema mo?” sabi niya habang nakahawak sa braso ko.

“Bitawan mo ako, please,” nagmamakaawa na sabi ko sa kanya.

“No. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Tayo. Mali tayong dalawa.”

Parker clenched his jaw. Mas humigpit ang hawak niya sa akin. “We’re fine yesterday, and today you’d just break-up with me?” sabi niya habang naka-tingin nang mabuti sa mga mata ko. “Are you fucking with me, Genesis?” Sinubukan ko na alisin pero mas lalo lang humihigpit. “Ayoko na…”

“Saan nga kasi?!” he shouted.

“Ayoko na nga sa atin! I’m sorry, okay?! I was wrong! Mali ako na pumayag ako na tayo na agad kahit alam ko na hindi naman dapat! Hindi ka pa ready—”

“What the fuck do you know if I’m ready or not? About what I feel?”

“Iyon na nga, ’di ba?! Hindi ko alam kung ano ’yung nararamdaman mo! Hindi naman natin pinag-uusapan!”

“Then why didn’t you ask?!” he asked, frustrated. “That’s the problem with you! You never ask! You always assume!”

Pilit kong inalis iyong hawak niya sa akin pero hinatak niya lang ako palapit sa kanya. “Ask,” he said, staring down at me. “Ask me.”

Malalim iyong paghinga ko. Pakiramdam ko nalulunod na naman ako sa mga tingin niya.

“No,” I breathed.

“Ask,” he repeated. “Ask me… Please.”

It hurt me to hurt him… but we’d just hurt each other kung pagpapatuloy namin ’to. Masyadong maaga. Masyadong mabilis. At sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, sa masyadong masakit kami parehong mauuwi.

“No.” I shook my head.

“Do I love Imo?” tanong niya habang patuloy akong nilulunod sa mga tingin niya. Nilapit niya iyong mukha sa akin hanggang lumakas nang lumakas iyong tibok ng puso ko. “Ask me if I still love her…” bulong niya.

Dahan-dahan akong umiling habang tumulo iyong luha ko.

“It wouldn’t matter… because I wouldn’t believe you, anyway.”

Kabanata 23

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 23 

Parker kept on calling. I kept on ignoring. Binilisan ko ang lakad hanggang sa humina ang bawat pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko. My chest was clenching in pain, but I chose to heed no attention to the agony. Ayokong saktan si Parker… God, hurting him was the last thing I would want to do. Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi tama iyong ginagawa namin.

We became together too soon.

We weren’t even both fully healed from the scars our past left us…

Just because we’re both fragments of who we were didn’t mean we could make each other whole.

And when I couldn’t hear him calling me anymore, I sat down and hugged my knees. Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Bigla akong natulala.

I just… did it. I broke up with him. I ended what just barely started.

“I’m sorry,” I kept on muttering though he couldn’t hear me. “I’m sorry…” I said as tears began to flow. My chest tightened and my eyes were clouded with tears. I just hurt him… and promised him that I wouldn’t. Na hindi ko siya iiwan katulad ng ginawa nila sa kanya…

But I was just saving us from an even bigger heartbreak.

We’re both broken… and our shards would pierce us deeply. Mas lalo lang kaming masasaktan kapag pinagpatuloy namin.

I knew he’d hate me… but I knew he’d understand me. Malalaman niya kung saan ako nanggaling. Na mali na tumalon agad kami kahit hindi kami handa. Na may tamang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay.

And sadly… this wasn’t our time yet.

---

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong nakaupo. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na umiyak hanggang sa mapagod ako… Hindi ko rin alam kung hanggang gaano ako katagal doon kung hindi ko naramdaman iyong cellphone ko.

I whipped my phone out and saw Maven calling. I was torn between breaking my phone so that he could never poison my mind again and giving in because I just needed someone to talk to.

Just anyone.

I needed someone to tell me that I didn’t make a mistake. Na hindi ako tanga sa ginawa ko… and I knew Maven wasn’t the best choice but he’s the one who wouldn’t lie to me kahit na gaanong kasakit ang katotohanan.

“Where are you?” he asked.

I wiped my tears and calmed my breathing. “On the way,” I lied. I was stuck in the middle of the road. My eyes were red from all the crying. My mind was wandering. I was a mess. I was in no condition to meet people, let alone meet Maven’s family and pretend to be someone that I was not.

I was succeeding on keeping my emotions at bay when I accidentally let out a whimper.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“Papunta na—”

“Just answer the question,” he cut me off. He had always called me on my bluff. Ni hindi niya ako masyadong kilala pero alam niya kapag hindi ako nagsasabi ng totoo.

“School,” I replied, my chest still tightening. Akala ko ay sasagot siya pero biglang naputol iyong tawag. I tried to calm my breathing, but my chest wouldn’t let me. Ilang beses na nagbadya na tumulo ulit ang luha ko pero pilit kong pinipigilan. I had already shed enough tears for tonight. Gusto ko na magpahinga.

Mabilis akong naglakad para maghanap ng taxi. I couldn’t ride the jeep. I knew I probably looked horrible. Kanina pa ako iyak nang iyak.

“Get in,” Maven said when he stopped his car in front of me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko pero hindi na ako nakipagtalo. I willingly got inside his car and rested my head against the window.

I was tired. I was so tired.

“Where do you live?” he asked. He wasn’t looking at me. Maybe he didn’t want to see what a mess I was—the mess he created with all the things he put inside my head.

“Ayokong umuwi,” I replied. I didn’t want to take the risk of seeing Parker there. Saying those words to him was already too much for me… hindi ko na kayang gawin pa ulit.

Akala ko ay tatanungin ulit ako ni Maven sa nangyari pero wala siyang sinabi. Tahimik lang siya na nagdrive nang hindi nagsasalita ng kahit na ano. Nang makarating kami sa condo niya, hindi siya nagsalita at kusang bumaba lang. I just followed him. I didn’t have any energy left to argue.

Wala sa loob na naglalakad ako nang magulat ako dahil hinagisan niya ako ng bote ng tubig. I looked at him.

“Drink,” he said. I didn’t want to argue or to talk. Sinubukan ko na buksan iyong tubig pero hindi ko magawa. I just felt so weak. Maven sighed and got the bottle from my hands. Tahimik kong kinuha iyon at saka ininom. I didn’t feel better—I could still feel the sting every time I would close my eyes and remember Parker’s pleading eyes… asking me to ask him.

And how I saw him get broken again when I said that no words from him would convince me that he’s over Imo.

“If you wanna rest, I have few extra rooms. Lock it if you like,” he said, still looking at me.

I nodded and locked myself inside. I sat on the bed with my shoulder slumped. Everything felt like a wreck. Iyong grades ko… si Parker… God, what was I doing with my life? I knew I wanted it both, but I was starting to realize that maybe I couldn’t both have them. That maybe I wasn’t prepared for any of them.

Na hindi sapat na gusto ko lang… Kasi kung hindi talaga para sa akin, kahit anong pagpilit ko, mauuwi pa rin sa lahat.

I tried to close my eyes, but the scenes kept on flashing in my head. Naririnig ko rin iyong mga sinasabi ni Parker. Nang hindi ko na kinaya, pilit akong tumayo at lumabas. I needed to distract myself.

“Ano’ng oras tayo aalis?” I asked Maven who was sitting by the couch and reading a book.

“You’re not going,” he said, not even bothering to look at me.

I looked at him. “Please,” I breathed. I just needed to distract myself. Kasi kapag nagkaroon na naman ako ng isang segundo na mag-isa, alam ko na babalik na naman ako sa mga nangyari kanina…

“Fine,” he conceded. Sinara niya iyong libro na hawak niya at saka tinapunan ako ng tingin sandali. “Just… no tears when you’re with me, Abby. I don’t handle crying women well,” sabi niya. Tumayo si Maven at saka nagsimulang maglakad.

Tahimik ako na naka-sunod sa kanya hanggang sa makarating kami sa baba. I didn’t know how it was possible pero pagbaba namin, mayroon ng sasakyan na naghihintay. Maven got on the other side kaya naman doon na ako pumasok sa pintuan na malapit sa akin. There was a driver at mukha siyang sundalo—probably one of Maven’s security.

Nang makasakay na kami, Maven was sitting on the other side. He was looking straight. I felt like he was avoiding looking at me altogether dahil kanina pa niya ako hindi tinitignan hanggang maaari.

“Power Plant,” he simply said. May kinuha siyang iPad sa tabi niya at saka binuksan. And then, he was reading again.

I tried to keep silent. Ni wala akong magawa dahil ayokong buksan ang cellphone ko dahil baka kung ano pa ang mabasa ko roon. I badly wanted to talk to Nari but she wasn’t picking up. I knew she’d understand why I did what I did. Alam ko hindi tama ang ginawa ko, pero dapat.

Dapat putulin iyong mali hanggang pwede pa.

Nang makarating kami sa mall, bumaba kami ni Maven. I walked behind him at nabunggo ako sa likod niya nung tumigil siya sa paglalakad.

“Why are you walking behind me like some creep?” he asked, and now he was facing me.

“Ayaw mo naman akong kausap,” sabi ko sa kanya.

He creased his forehead. “If I don’t want to talk to you, I wouldn’t even bother looking at your swollen face.”

“Hindi mo naman ako tinitignan. Kanina ka pa nagbabasa.”

He arched his brow. “Do you want me to look at you?” tanong niya na nang-aasar na naman.

I pressed my lips together. I hated having this kind of conversation with him. Parang kahit ano’ng pagsagot ko, nagagawa niya pa ring maging sagot na mapapahamak ako. He perfectly knew how to twist words to his advantage. He’d make a freaking good lawyer.

“Shut up,” I just said.

“Stand here beside me. You’re not my guard,” sabi niya.

I took a step forward. “Okay na?”

“And please stop looking like a puppy.”

“Mukha akong aso?!”

“Yes. You look like you’ve been abandoned by your owner,” he casually said and then began walking. “Did you even bother to look at a mirror?” tanong niya habang naglalakad at hindi ko napansin na huminto pala kami sa isang salon.

Pumasok si Maven at sumunod na lang ako. It was almost time for the party pero nandito pa kami sa mall.

“Fix this mess right here,” sabi niya sabay turo sa akin. “Wash her hair, too.” God! What was his big issue with my hair?! Kung hindi sinasabihan na mabaho, sinasabihan naman ako na mukhang aso.

Mabilis na tumango iyong babae—who was fascinatingly looking at Maven. Oh, right. The president’s grandson. Of course there’s attention everywhere.

Nang papuntahin ako nung babae sa loob ng salon, nakita ko si Maven na nakaupo lang sa lounge habang nagbabasa na naman. And from where I was placed, I could see women throwing him an obvious look. Hindi naman sila pinapansin ni Maven. Siguro dahil sanay na siya. Kahit kasi sa school, marami talagang tumitingin sa kanya.

Good thing the staff I was assigned to was very professional. I didn’t know how to answer questions kung tatanungin niya ako tungkol kay Maven.

Nang matapos na kami, I was surprised to see that I looked decent! Hindi na halata iyong pamamaga ng mga mata ko. Hindi na rin ako mukhang aso.

“Okay na?” tanong ko kay Maven.

“Yeah. Better,” iyon lang ang sagot niya. He closed his iPad and then began walking again. Tahimik ako na naglalakad sa tabi niya hanggang sa huminto kami sa isang boutique.

“Wait,” I said, stopping him. “Don’t tell me ibibili mo ako ng damit?!”

He nodded. God, what was with the people around me throwing money like it was nothing?!

“May damit naman ako sa apartment!”

“But you said you didn’t want to go home,” sabi niya na naka-kunot ang noo. Napaawang ang labi ko. He was actually listening to what I said.

“I know… pero—”

“I don’t actually spend much, Abby. Let me exercise my card a little, alright?” sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin.

I sighed. There was no point arguing with Maven.

The staff inside made me wear a couple of outfits before I settled with a simple peach dress. Ang sabi lang naman ng Mama ni Maven, dinner naman iyong pupuntahan namin. And though she made it sound like a simple dinner, alam ko na ang simple dinner sa kanila ay dinner kasama ng presidente ng Pilipinas. What the heck did I actually get myself into?

“Okay lang ba ’yung suot ko?” nag-aalala na tanong ko.

“Yeah, sure,” simpleng sagot niya. It’s not as if I was expecting a compliment from him, but his reaction was too dry. And why was I trying to analyze everything? I shouldn’t even care.

“Maven…” tanong ko nung nasa sasakyan kami.

“What?”

“Thank you. And sorry.”

“For what and for what?”

I sighed. He was very specific—he probably got it from the training sa school. Always asking for the specifics because it’s difficult to assume dahil baka mabigla ka na lang sa lalabas sa korte kung hindi ka sigurado.

If only I could apply this… if only I had the heart to ask Parker for the specifics.

“Thank you for distracting me. Sorry for being such a bitch to you.”

Maven’s eyes were still fixed on what he was reading. “No problem, and your attitude is just a walk in the park compared to what I’m getting from my family,” he calmly said.

“Isang thank you pa pala…” I said. “Thank you for not asking.”

“Why? Do you wanna talk about it?” tanong niya.

“No, not really. Not with you.”

I finally got his attention. Sinara niya iyong iPad niya at tinignan ako. “Why?”

“Because you’re always confusing my head.”

“You mean enlightening you,” he offered.

“You’re a devil incarnate,” I retorted.

He cocked his head to the side. “Abby, I had never lied to you. All I ever said was the truth. Now, if the truth hurts you, that’s not my problem anymore, is it?”

I pressed my lips and tried to make my face calm. “Minsan kasi, Maven, hindi kailangan ng katotohanan palagi.”

“You’d rather live with lies and not knowing?” he asked.

“Sometimes, yes.”

“You wanna know what I thought about your relationship with Parker?” tanong niya habang mataman na naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. Napa-lunok ako habang naka-tingin sa kanya.

“Why are you even asking if you’d still tell me?”

He shrugged. “I’m giving you the opportunity to evade the truth because you’re so frail.”

“I’m not frail!”

“Yes, you are. I just told you that you don’t trust Parker and what did you do? You opted for the easiest way out. If that’s not being frail, then what is it?”

“It’s called doing the right thing, Maven.”

“In life, you shouldn’t always do the right thing… moreso if it doesn’t feel right.”

I clenched my jaw as I stared at him. “You put things inside my head!”

“Then treat that as a lesson learned, Abby. Just because someone told you something, you’d let it bother you. You’re the captain of your fucking ship. Don’t let anyone control the wheels for you,” sabi niya na naiiling sa akin.

“I broke up with Parker because of you!”

He shook his head. “You broke up with him because you’re not sure about him yourself. Don’t turn the blame on me,” sabi niya at saka binalik ang tingin sa iPad niya.

I wanted to strangle him, but his security was right in front of me. I just freaking ignored him hanggang sa makarating kami sa Malacañang, nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang mapansin ko na ang daming sasakyan at mga press na nag-aabang.

“Akala ko ba dinner lang?!” I hissed as we were being escorted inside.

“Yeah, this is dinner,” he said.

“Dinner with press?!”

“You’re on a date with me, Abby. What did you seriously expect?” sabi niya habang plastic na ngumingiti sa mga reporters na kumukuha ng picture naming dalawa.

Great. Gusto kong pagtaguan si Parker, pero naka-balandra na ang mukha ko sa lahat ng camera.

Kabanata 24

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 24 

“Boring.”

Kanina pa sabi nang sabi si Maven ng boring but surprisingly, I was enjoying the party. I kept on seeing people na sa t.v. ko lang nakikita! Gusto ko ngang sabihin kay Maven na ipakilala ako sa lolo niya, but his grandpa’s busy talking to people. But still, it felt surreal to be in a party with all these influencial people!

“Wala ka bang kaibigan dito para hindi ka ma-bore?” I asked him while I was still gawking like an idiot. This felt like I was a kid in a carnival. Ang amazing! Never in my wildest dreams na naisip ko na makakapunta ako rito, let alone get invited in a dinner like this!

Instead of answering, Maven stood up and walked. Agad na sumunod ako sa kanya dahil ayokong maiwanan mag-isa dito sa party. Naglalakad si Maven hanggang sa may marinig ako na tumawag sa pangalan niya.

“Maven!” tawag nung lalaki na matangkad na kulot ang buhok. Huminto si Maven at saka lumapit sa kanya. “Abuela’s looking for you,” sabi nung lalaki at napa-tingin sa akin. He smiled and offered his hand. “I’m Psalm, Maven’s cousin. You are?”

Napa-tingin ako kay Maven dahil hindi ko alam kung sino iyong lalaki sa harap ko. But I accepted his hand, as a courtesy. “Ah… Hi. I’m Genesis.”

“Oh! Bible name! Cool!” manghang sabi niya. I looked at Maven again, but he looked bored. Simula nung makarating kami sa party, gusto niya na umuwi agad.

I smiled at Psalm, hindi alam ang sasabihin. I wasn’t comfortable meeting new people. Buong buhay ko kasi, palagi lang akong nagta-trabaho o kaya naman ay nag-aaral. Hindi ako magaling makipag-usap sa mga tao na bagong kakilala ko pa lang.

Psalm seemed nice. I just listened to their conversation habang tahimik na nakaupo. Hindi talaga sila nagtatagalog.

“I’m bored,” sabi na rin ni Psalm matapos ang ilang minuto na nakaupo. So… ang common denominator ng magpinsan na ’to ay pareho silang mabilis ma-bore.

“Let’s ditch,” Maven said.

“Sure, but seriously, Abuela’s looking for you. Find before she threatens to disown you again,” natatawa na sabi ni Psalm while Maven looked bored to death.

Maven looked at me. “Do you wanna stay here or do you wanna accompany me with my grandma?” tanong niya.

I immediately shook my head. Ni hindi nga ako mapalagay na nagsinungaling sa Mama niya, dadagdagan ko pa ng lola?

“Where’s Cindy? Or Maggie?”

Psalm shrugged. “Maggie’s probably gawking at her security again. Cindy’s… around. Probably hiding from Mama. Why?”

Maven looked at me. “Let’s go,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Ha? Bakit? Akala ko maiiwan ako kasama si Psalm?”

Maven snorted. “Yeah, right. As if I’d leave you with Psalm, of all people.”

“Hey!” Psalm said. “I’m offended.”

“You reek of desperation, Psalm. Get yourself your own girl,” sabi ni Maven at saka hinatak ako palayo.

“Grabe ka naman sa pinsan mo!”

“He’s desperate to have a girlfriend. He’ll just hit on you if I leave you for one second with him,” sabi niya habang palinga-linga dahil may hinahanap.

“It doesn’t even matter. I’m just done with guys… for now.”

“Won’t stop him from flirting,” Maven said. Finally, napahinto kami at may nilapitan siya na babae.

“Maven! You showed yourself!” sabi nung babae. Okay. So, Maven’s rich, fucking smart, and definitely has good genes. Ang gwapo at ganda ng pinsan niya! The lady standing in front of us was so pretty! She’s tall and so white! Mukha na siyang si Snow White kung maigsi lang sana ang buhok niya.

“Yeah, yeah,” bored na sabi ni Maven. “Abuela’s looking for me. Can you accompany Genesis for a while?” Maven said and then pointed at me like I was some thing. Ewan ko kung bakit hindi na ako naooffend dahil siguro palagi niya naman akong inooffend.

“Sure,” Snow White said at saka nginitian ako. “I’m Cindy. You are?”

Pero bago pa man ako maka-sagot, iniwan na kami ni Maven. Loko talaga ’yun. Ni hindi man lang marunong magpaalam.

“I’m Genesis,” I answered. “Sorry, pinabantayan pa ako.”

She waved her hand. “No problem. This party sucks, anyway,” sabi niya na naka-ngiti. “If you don’t mind me asking, you are Maven’s…?” she asked.

“Friend,” I replied. Cindy seemed nice. Ayokong magsinungaling sa kanya.

“Friend, huh? Maven’s not really friendly,” she commented.

I nodded. “Oo kaya. Sa law school, wala siyang friends.”

“Oh! You’re a law student, too?”

I smiled. “Yeah… struggling,” sabi ko kasi baka isipin niya ang talino ko. E hindi naman. Kulang na nga lang alayan ko lahat ng subjects ko para pumasa, e. Sobrang saya ko na kapag pasang-awa ako. Iyong akala mo ang talino mo nung elem hanggang college tapos pagdating mo ng law school, nasira iyong buong paniniwala mo?

“Yeah… I know a struggling law student, too…” sabi niya at saka mapait na napa-ngiti.

“Talaga? Baka kakilala ko. Para sabay kaming magstruggle,” I said, smiling.

“Maybe you know him. Si Parker.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko. “S-si Parker?”

“Yeah… uh, I’m sorry, but I don’t really feel comfortable talking about him yet. Hindi pa kasi ako okay,” sabi niya at saka pilit na ngumiti.

Mas lalong napaawang ang labi ko. She’s… his ex?

Pinagmasdan ko si Cindy at hindi ko alam kung ano na ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. I wanted to ask her questions… but what if what I heard would just hurt me? Alam ko na tama si Maven. I was a hypocrite. I was frail. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I’d rather hurt Parker instead.

Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko. Muntik ko ng tanungin si Cindy nang bumalik si Maven. He just looked at me and then said that we’re going. Wala sa loob ako na sumunod sa kanya.

“She’s his ex…” I mumbled.

Maven stopped from his tracks. “Yeah, so?”

Tinignan ko siya. “Do you know why they broke up?”

“I think you know the reason why,” sagot niya sa akin habang naka-tingin sa mga mata ko.

I pressed my lips and clenched my jaw. Why was the fact that Imo’s a massive part of Parker’s life kept on being slapped on my face? Kailangan ba na paulit-ulit na ipaalala sa akin na sobrang halaga niya sa buhay ni Parker?

Na hindi lang pala isa kung hindi dalawang relasyon na ’yung nasira dahil sa hindi matigil-tigil na pagmamahal niya kay Imo?

“He’ll never be over her…” mahinang bulong ko. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Nagsisimula na naman siyang sumikip. Akala ko okay na. Akala ko okay na ako ngayong gabi dahil marami akong ibang naiisip… but who was I kidding?

At the end of the day, I’d still think about him.

Pero ngayon, siguro hindi na ako manghihinayang. Kasi alam ko na tama naman pala iyong ginawa ko. Na hiniwalayan ko siya dahil doon din naman pala kami pupunta.

“Sometimes, you just have to stop forcing things to happen,” Maven said.

“I… just want him to forget her. Kasi nandito naman ako. Kasi kaya ko naman siyang mahalin…”

“You love wrong, Abby. I don’t know much about love, but I think that if you love someone, you don’t force them to do things that they don’t like.”

“But he’s hurting!” hindi ko napigilan na magtaas ng boses. I had done this in my head over and over again. I argued about this, but I always ended up losing to myself.

“And he’s not a kid who’d die because of a little pain. For fuck’s sake, Parker’s a messed up guy, but he’s also one of the most resilient person I know,” Maven said, staring at me. “He’d get over her. He’d get over it. And he’d probably get over you.”

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya sa huli.

“I like you as a person, Abby… but I seriously think that you’re not enough for someone as destroyed as Parker. You’re weak. He doesn’t need someone as weak as you,” sabi niya at saka tinalikuran ako.

Kabanata 25

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 25 

It’s hard to go to school lalo na kapag alam mo na pabagsak ka na… moreso kapag alam mo na makakasalubong mo ang ex mo sa hallway. And it’s a misery when you know how hard it would be to see him while knowing that it’s your fault why he’s hurt.

Na kahit pinangako mo sa sarili mo na hindi mo siya sasaktan kagaya ng ginawa sa kanya ng iba, ikaw ang unang bumali sa salita mo.

Because I was weak. Like what Maven said. And Parker didn’t deserve a weak girl like me.

“Ano? Hindi na talaga?” Nari asked me while she was munching on some fruits.

Umiling ako. “Hindi… at saka hindi ko na siya kaya na kausapin,” sabi ko at saka nagbuntong hininga.

“Mahal mo pa rin, ’di ba?”

“Hindi ko na rin alam. Kasi kung mahal ko talaga si Parker, hindi ko naman talaga siya sasaktan nang ganoon, ’di ba?” sagot ko sa kanya.

“Mahal mo kaya nga ang paranoid mo,” she preached. “Alam mo, Genesis, sabi ka nang sabi na hindi maka-move on si Parker kay Mary… pero sa lagay, feeling ko talaga ikaw iyong hindi maka-move on sa past ni Parker.”

Napaawang ang labi ko sa mga sinabi ni Nari. “Baby ba talaga ’yang nasa tiyan mo? Bakit parang nagbaon ka ng wisdom?” sabi ko habang tinitignan iyong tiyan niya. Sabi niya, 19 weeks pregnant pa lang siya pero mukhang malapit na siyang sumabog sa sobrang laki ng tiyan niya.

Isa rin sa dahilan kung bakit hindi ko masyadong sinasabihan si Nari ng mga problema ko tungkol kay Paker dahil ayoko na ma-stress siya. Buntis pa naman siya. Baka mahawa pa iyong baby sa pagiging stressed ko at kapag lumabas, naka-kunot agad ang noo.

“Gaga!” she blurted out. “I mean, kinausap ko si Preston tapos tinanong ko tungkol kay Parker. Sabi ni Preston, ni hindi na nga raw nagtatanong si Parker tungkol kay Mary, e. Mukhang okay na talaga siya. At saka nung binyag kaya ni Cayden, nginitian niya lang si Mary as acknowledgement na nakita niya, but he didn’t even try to talk to her.”

My heart sank with what I heard.

“Tapos, alam mo ba, narinig ko si Mother Biscuit na tinatanong ka kay Parker!”

“H-ha?”

Nari animatedly nodded. “Oo kaya! Kahit medyo malayo ako sa table, nag-effort ako na marinig ’yung usapan!” she said. “Dahil mukhang moved on na talaga si Mother Biscuit sa pagpe-pairing kay Imo and Parker—”

“They’re being paired?”

“Were, Genesis. Past tense, ha? Baka kasi mag-assume ka na naman,” sabi niya tapos inirapan ko siya. “Anyway, alam ko na hindi ko naman story ito pero dapat kasi talaga, maintindihan mo muna iyong history between kay Mary and Parker—”

“I don’t wanna know.”

“But you need to know! Para naman alam mo kung bakit close talaga ’yang si Mary at Parker at kung bakit dapat hindi ka maparanoid. For the love of God, may asawa na si Mary! Jusko ka naman kasi talaga!” sabi ni Nari na kulang na lang e mapa-ire para mailabas niya na iyong bola sa tiyan niya.

“I just don’t think knowing the story would make me change what I feel…” and I already hurt Parker. May mababago pa ba?

“Maybe, maybe not. But at least give it a try…” sabi ni Nari.

I sighed. “Fine. Tell me about Parker and Mary.”

“Okay. Pero warning lang, ha? Version ni Preston ’tong maririnig mo so kapag may medyo OA na part, ’wag mo na masyadong pansinin kasi kilala mo naman iyong baliw na ’yun,” Nari said and I nodded. My ears were attuned to every word she said. My heart ached every time she’d tell me about the time when Parker almost lost everything.

I knew about it. I knew how he lost his mother… but hearing about it? Mas may isasakit pa pala.

“They’ve been together since they were born, Gen. They were literally born para magkatuluyan… but Mary found someone else. She found Saint. Hindi pa ba proof iyon na hindi sila para sa isa’t-isa? Na kagaya ni Mary, mayroon din na nakalaan na babae para kay Parker? Na baka kung hindi ka gaga at nagpasulsol dyan sa new found friend mo, baka ikaw talaga iyong babae na para kay Parker?”

I smiled. “I know… but I still think that this is for the best, Nari.”

“The best? Kahit nasasaktan ka? Kahit nasasaktan siya?”

I nodded. “I’m still too weak for him, Nari. I don’t think I deserve him.”

---

Ngayon ko lang naiintindihan si Parker nung mga panahon na halos patayin na niya ang sarili niya sa pag-aaral. That was what I was doing. I spent every waking hours studying. I spent every break trying to understand what I didn’t understand well in class. I just didn’t want an idle time dahil alam ko na mapupunta na naman sa kanya iyong isip niya.

“Hey, na-take mo na ba ’to? Pwedeng paturo?” I asked Maven who was silently reading something again. Shocking.

Instead of heeding to my request, may kinuha si Maven sa bag niya at inabot sa akin. “You’re a woman, but I’m more organized than you,” sabi niya at saka inabot sa akin iyong highlighter. “Highlight the important terms, definition, example, and exceptions. Use different shades so that you won’t be confused. And see how there are extra space on the side? Utilize it, Abby. Try to write some fucking notes.”

Inirapan ko na lang siya dahil ang rude niya lang talaga. Ewan ko ba… I was starting to enjoy Maven’s company kahit na sobrang realtalk niya lang palagi sa akin. Hindi na rin naman niya ako nilalandi dahil halos hindi na nga niya ako kausapin dahil palagi lang siyang may binabasa ko kaya naman ay may tina-type.

When it was almost 5, nagsimula na akong magligpit.

“Isn’t it awkward that you’re working in your ex’s firm?” tanong niya sa akin.

“It’s awkward. And uncomfortable. Pero ano’ng magagawa ko? Ginto ang tuition sa school na ’to,” sabi ko. Nasabi ko kasi sa kanya na nahihirapan pa rin ako tuwing nakikita ko si Parker. Literal na hindi na talaga ako pinapansin ni Parker… and I couldn’t even blame him. I asked for this. I should get used to this, but I didn’t think I would ever be.

“There are other scholarships in this school,” sabi niya.

“Alam ko. Sinubukan ko na na tumingin pero ang taas ng grade requirements,” malungkot na sabi ko. It felt wrong na scholar ako ng firm nila Parker pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa ko sa kanya…

“There’s another one. If you’re interested,” Maven said. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. “The counterpart of my frat, they’re still open for applicants, if you’re interested.”

“Hindi nga aabot ’yung grade ko,” paliwanag ko sa kanya. Crashing down talaga ang peg ng grades ko. Sinasalba ko na lang sakaling umabot.

“Yeah, I know,” he said na parang nakakadiri ang grades ko. Palibasa perfect siya sa lahat ng exams! “But almost all the members can pay for their own tuition so your grades won’t even matter. You’ll get the scholarship if you get in.”

I looked at Maven. I still wasn’t convinced.

“What’s the catch?” I asked him.

“There’s no catch, Abby.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Maven shrugged. “Suit yourself. Enjoy another uncomfortable day with your ex,” sabi niya at saka binalik na naman ang attention sa binabasa niya na hindi na talaga nauubos.

Pagdating ko sa office, napadaan ako sa office ni Parker. I sighed. It had been weeks, but I could still remember what happened. I wanted to say sorry, but I couldn’t even bring myself to get near him.

Nakatatak na kasi sa isip ko na hindi ako sapat para sa kanya.

I was still weak for someone like him.

So, I just contented myself with looking from afar. Hanggang dito na lang kasi talaga. Sa ngayon.

Tahimik akong nag-aayos ng mga pinapagawa sa akin ng mapansin ko na naka-kunot ang noo ni Parker nung lumabas si Jenny mula sa office niya. Kahit hindi kami masyadong close ni Jenny, nagawa ko siyang harangin.

“Ano’ng sinabi mo kay Parker? Bakit naka-kunot ang noo?”

“Ah? ’Yun ba? Malapit na kasi ’yung death anniversary ni Ma’am Kach kaya ganyan si Sir. Kawawa nga, e. Nasa ibang bansa pa rin kasi si Sir Tripp kaya malamang sa malamang e mag-isa si Sir Parker sa araw ng anniversary.”

My heart sank. My heart broke. He’s so broken…

Napa-tingin na lang ako kay Parker mula sa malayo. I wanted to console him, but I already lost the right when I abandoned him…

It was already quarter to ten pero hindi pa rin yata uuwi si Parker. Ni hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita na kumakain kaya naman nakiusap ako kay Jenny na bigyan ng pagkain si Parker.

“Ikaw na lang magbigay,” sabi ni Jenny.

“Ikaw na. Tapos kapag nagtanong, sabihin mo sa Papa niya galing.”

Kunot noo si Jenny. “Gaga, e ’di mas lalong nagtaka ’yun!” she said, but I was relentless. Worried ako na hindi pa rin kumakain si Parker, pero hindi ko talaga siya kayang lapitan. “Fine. But kapag tinanong, sasabihin ko sa ’yo galing, ha?”

I sighed. “Okay. Pero kapag nagtanong lang, ha? Kapag hindi, ’wag mong sabihin…”

Nagtago ako habang pumasok si Jenny at kinausap si Parker. Mayroon pang sinabi si Parker bago nagsalita si Jenny at iniabot iyong paperbag na mayroong laman na pagkain. My heart was pounding inside my chest as I waited for his reaction.

Maybe it was stupid of me to think that he’d appreciate the gesture… but it wasn’t stupid of me to get hurt nang makita ko na tinapon niya lang sa basurahan iyong binili ko.

Fuck.

Ang sakit pala talaga.

“Sorry…” sabi ni Jenny. I was trying to be calm, but tears were threatening to fall. “Tinanong niya kasi kung kanino galing… tapos nung narinig iyong pangalan mo…”

I smiled bitterly. “S-sige. S-salamat na lang.”

Mabilis akong tumalikod para hindi makita ni Jenny kung paano nagsimulang mag-unahan iyong mga luha mula sa pagtulo mula sa mata ko. I kept on telling myself that I deserved this, but no words could soothe the pain away.

I was only feeling worse as seconds passed by.

I was slowly feeling my heart breaking again.

Iyong akala mo medyo okay na, nalaman mo na kasinungalingan lang pala kasi masakit na naman… na baka hindi naman talaga tumigil iyong sakit.

---

Days passed and it was getting harder and harder each day. Iyong nakikita mo siya pero siya, ni hindi ka tinitignan. Ni minsan, hindi nagawi sa iyon iyong tingin niya.

It was worse than the last time he ignored me… kasi noon, may kakaunti pa akong pag-asa na papansinin niya ulit ako. Pero ngayon? I felt like in his world, I was already dead.

Nang dumating iyong araw ng anniversary ng pagkamatay ng nanay niya, naabutan ko siya na nagta-trabaho.

“I know, hindi na dapat ako makielam sa kanya, pero baka kung ano ang gawin niyang masama ngayon…” worried na sabi ko kay Preston.

“Ha?” naguguluhan na sabi niya. “Ano’ng meron ngayon?”

“Death anniv ng nanay ni Parker!” I said. Bakit hindi niya alam? Best friend kaya siya! “Ikaw iyong laging sinasabi sa akin na bantayan si Parker dahil baka magbigti!”

Natawa si Preston. “Ay, sina-puso mo ba ’yun?” tatawa-tawa niya na sabi.

“Hindi funny, Preston. Seryoso kasi. Puntahan mo naman siya.”

“Genesis, if this was Parker months ago, matagal na akong nandyan at pinipigilan siya na humawak ng lubid. But Parker’s doing much better now. Hindi ’yan magpapakamatay.”

Dapat matuwa ako… he’s doing much better… pero bakit ang lungkot na maayos na siya pero ako, hirap na hirap pa rin na panindigan iyong desisyon na ginawa ko?

“A-ah… g-ganon ba?”

“Yeah. In fact, we’re having dinner later para kay Auntie.”

I remained silent.

“Weird. Hindi mo ba tatanungin kung kasama si Imo?” tanong niya sa akin.

“No.”

“Talaga? Parang dati lang obsessed na obsessed ka sa kapatid ko, ah…” mangha niyang sabi.

Mapait ako na napa-ngiti. “Maybe I finally moved on from his past…” Too bad dahil pati yata si Parker, naka-move on na sa akin.

Kabanata 26

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 26 

“If you’re just going to sigh and look miserable all day, get out of my sight,” Maven said after I sighed for the tenth time today. Hindi naman ako offended sa sinabi niya dahil alam ko na hindi talaga ako masayang kasama lately. Palagi na lang akong tahimik o malungkot o depressed sa mga grades ko.

“Sorry,” sabi ko. Tinuon ko ulit iyong pansin ko sa binabasa ko. I tried to concentrate, but my mind was somewhere else. I kept on thinking about Parker. I was worried about him, but I didn’t know how to reach him. Magkakasalubong pa lang kasi kami, sa ibang direksyon na agad siya pupunta. Kahit hindi siya naka-tingin sa akin, ramdam ko na alam niyang nandoon ako at kailangan niya akong iwasan.

A silent hour passed and we both took our study break. Medyo umaayos naman ng konti iyong grades ko kumpara sa last time. Naka-tulong iyong tips na binibigay ni Maven. Minsan nung naiyak ako sa quiz ko, sa sobrang bwisit niya siguro sa akin, hinanap niya iyong old quizzes niya sa subject na iyon at binigay sa akin.

Maven’s kind… sometimes. Depende sa mood niya.

“Tutal matalino ka naman, I have a question.”

Break time namin mula sa puspusan na pag-aaral dahil parating naman ngayon ang finals. Pero sa break time namin, nagbabasa pa rin siya. Non-fiction tungkol sa government. Nerd talaga ’to.

“Why do you hate Parker?”

“I don’t hate him.”

I arched my brow. “Hindi mo pa siya hate sa lagay na ’yan?”

“Hate is too strong a word, Abby. I just dislike him,” sabi niya habang diretso pa rin sa libro ang mga mata. There were many things that I wanted to know about Maven. But unlike all the books he’s reading, he, himself, wasn’t exactly an open book.

“But seriously, may history ba kayo ni Parker?” tanong ko sa kany.

“Why are you so curious?”

I shrugged. “I’m just taking your advise,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“What advise? I gave you way too many,” sabi niya kaya napairap naman ako. In some weird twist, Maven and I ended up as friends… kung friendship man na matatawag ang meron kami. He’s just always there ready to slap some reality kapag napapalayo na naman ako sa katotohanan.

Maybe we all needed a friend like that. Iyong hindi matatakot na saktan ka basta masigurado lang niya na alam mo iyong ginagawa mo.

“I’m just trying to make myself better, stronger.”

“Why? Are you hoping that Parker will still get back with you?”

I sighed. “Honestly? I will always hope… pero alam ko na hindi pa sa ngayon. Malayo pa siguro. Pero habang hindi pa maayos, I will just work on myself. Para kapag ready na siya, ako na iyong tao na deserve niya,” sabi ko at saka tipid na napa-ngiti. “Kasi ’di ba sabi mo deserve ni Parker iyong tao na matatag para sa kanya?”

Maven remained silent.

“Anyway, ano nga iyong meron? Bakit parang magkaka world war 3 kapag nagkikita kayo ni Parker?”

I got excited nung isara ni Maven iyong libro. Minsan ko lang kasi talaga makuha iyong buong atensyon niya dahil madalas, sa libro siya nakatutok. Sabi niya nga kasi, I have a reputation to uphold.

“I don’t think you’d want to hear it,” sabi niya.

“Ha? Bakit naman?”

“It’s connected with Imo.”

Natigilan ako sandali pero mabilis din naman akong naka-recover. “Okay lang!” I said with a smile on my face. Maven looked weirded out by my reaction. “If you must know, nakakausap ko minsan si Imo sa FaceTime,” sabi ko na mas lalong kina-kunot ng noo ni Maven.

“…why?” he asked.

“Kasi gusto kong maka-move on… baka kasi tama kayo na moved on na si Parker, ako lang talaga iyong hindi maka-move on sa past niya,” naka-ngiti kong paliwanag. I was feeling lighter these days. Siguro kasi naalis na talaga iyong doubt sa dibdib ko.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagawa kong mainis kay Imo kahit wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin… Talking to her was enlightening. She’s very nice. She’s super nice. Kahit na inamin ko sa kanya na dati akong naiinis sa kanya, she didn’t take it against me. Kasi kahit siya, naiinis din sa sarili niya dahil alam niya na nasaktan niya si Parker.

“I’m sorry if I judged you…” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Hala, okay lang,” Imo said, smiling like an angel. “But thank you, Genesis. Thank you for taking care of Parker.”

Pinilit kong ngumiti pero hindi ko magawa. Take care? Iyon ang gusto kong gawin pero hindi ko nagawa. I just ended up hurting him…

Maybe caused him pain when I perfectly knew that he didn’t need any more of that.

Mukhang napansin niya iyong pag-iiba ng mood ko. Imo smiled at me and tried to console me. “Alam mo ba nung namatay si Auntie Kach? Hindi talaga ako pinansin ni Parker. Ilang beses siyang nagmakaawa na ’wag ko na siyang pakielaman…”

“Talaga? Nagawa niya ’yun sa ’yo?” gulat na tanong ko. Akala ko kasi mahal na mahal ni Parker si Imo na tipong hindi niya kayang ipagtabuyan.

Imo nodded. “Yes… but I knew that it was my fault why he was mad. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. I turned my back on him when we promised to be there for each other…” malungkot na sabi niya.

“But you two are okay now.”

“We seem okay now, but, Genesis, it took us months before we became okay again,” sabi niya sa akin at saka ngumiti. “Maybe Parker’s mad at you now, but what he really needs is someone who will always be there for him. Someone who will never waiver when it gets hard. Kasi maraming beses ng naiwan si Parker… tama na ’yun. He deserves someone who will stay no matter how hard it is to be beside him.”

Every word punctured through my heart.

Those were the things I promised…

Those were the promises I destroyed.

“Just stay, Genesis. He’ll look your way again. Maghintay ka lang.”

I smiled at Imo. “Paano… kung magmove on na siya?” malungkot na tanong ko. “Paano… kung hindi pala kita kayang tapatan?”

“Genesis, I will always be Parker’s best friend… you, on the other hand, can be Parker’s love if only you’d trust him and his feelings for you,” sabi niya at diretsong tumingin sa mga mata ko. “And don’t put me on a pedestal too much. Parker wasn’t always in love with me. For years, he was in love with Cindy… kaya ’wag mong isipin na ako iyong pamantayan pagdating kay Parker. Because Parker will fall in love. Kapag gusto niya, gusto niya. Just trust him because he never lies when it comes to his feelings.”

“Talaga?” I asked, hope starting to grow inside me again.

“Yes. For years, he made me cry because he kept on telling me na hindi kami mangyayari dahil si Cindy iyong mahal niya… Kaya kung sinabi niya na ikaw na iyong mahal niya, trust me that he’s telling the truth, Genesis.”

Napa-ngiti ako kay Imo. I was glad that I heeded Nari’s advise na kausapin ko si Imo. At first, I was hesitant because I had always harboured ill feelings for her kahit na hindi ko naman siya masyadong kilala. But I was glad that we talked. It was enlightening.

“Thank you, Imo,” I said, my chest feeling lighter.

“You’re welcome, Genesis. I am one of the people rooting for Parker’s happy ending. I hope it’s with you. I hope that you can make him happy.”

I smiled at Maven.

“I’m totally fine with Imo now, Maven. So, bakit nga hindi kayo magkasundo ni Parker?”

Maven still looked weirded out. Nasanay na siguro siya na bigla na lang akong naiiyak, pero medyo okay na talaga ako ngayon. Malungkot lang talaga ako na hindi ko nakakausap si Parker, but I had no issues with his past anymore…

“Years ago, I accompanied my cousin in her prom. Then when the prom queen was announced—”

“Si Imo?” I asked.

“Yeah. Bothered?”

I shook my head. “Not at all. Nagkakaroon na nga ako ng girl crush sa kanya, e. Ang bait kasi!” sabi ko. Marami akong nakikita na magandang babae sa school, pero karamihan sa kanila hindi maganda ang ugali. Pero si Imo? Mukha ng anghel, ugaling anghel pa. I was starting to realize why it took Parker years to move on. It was a hard thing to move on from… such perfection.

“When the prom king was announced, it was Parker,” sabi niya. I tried to feel inside me kung may nararamdaman ba ako na masama… but I couldn’t find any.

Ganito siguro talaga kapag tinanggap mo na iyong mga bagay na nangyari na at hindi mo na mababago… nakaka-gaan sa pakiramdam.

“But he ran before he could even accompany Imo on stage,” sabi niya at nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Parker did that to Imo?! “It was an embarrassing time for Imo, so when I was called on stage—”

“What? Prom king ka?!” gulat na sabi ko.

Maven rolled his eyes. “If you’d properly look at my face, you’d notice that I do look good,” sabi niya kaya natawa naman ako. Dati kasi, gwapong-gwapo ako kay Maven. But the more time I spend with him, nawawala na iyong pagka-starstruck ko. Parang normal na tao na lang siya na kung pwedeng magpakasal sa libro, gagawin niya.

“Sure, whatever,” I said. “So, galit ka kay Parker dahil natalo ka niya sa pagiging prom king at replacement ka lang?”

“Do you seriously think I’m that shallow?” I acted like I was zipping my mouth. “For the whole night, I danced with Imo and tried to console her. Because of that, we became friends. But Parker, being annoying that he is, every time I’d pass by the soccer field, he’d always kick the ball towards my head.”

Oh, wow. Sobrang high school ng kwento na ’to. And petty, too.

“Iyan lang?” disappointed na sabi ko.

“Yeah… but basically, he hates me because I’m Saint’s cousin,” Maven said and then opened his book again. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“What?! Seryoso?!”

“Yeah…”

“Bakit hindi mo sinabi?!”

“I didn’t know I’m obligated to tell you who my cousins are. Next time I’d give you our family tree,” sarcastic na sabi niya. Pilosopo talaga ng peste na ’to.

We resumed studying and I felt lighter. Mas madali na pumasok iyong mga dapat kong malaman dahil wala na akong masyadong pino-problema. Nang kailangan ko na umalis para pumasok sa trabaho, Maven asked me.

“Are you sure you’re not interested about the scholarship?”

I smiled at him and shook my head. “No, sorry.”

It may be awkward and uncomfortble for me, but if I resign from my job, para ko na ring sinukuan si Parker… and I didn’t want to do that again. Palagi niya akong makikita para maalala niya na buhay ako. Para hindi niya makalimutan na parte pa rin ako ng buhay niya.

And if Parker needs someone he could depend on, then I’d be the most resilient girl he’d ever meet.

---

Pagdating ko sa office, agad kong binigay kay Jenny iyong paper bag.

“Alam mo, nasasayang lang ’yung pagkain,” she commented. “Palagi naman niyang tinatapon…”

I smiled. Nasasayangan din naman ako sa pagkain, but I just wanted to remind Parker that someone cares for him.

“Mapapagod din ’yun na itapon ’yan,” sabi ko.

Jenny sighed. “Okay. Pero pagkatapos pala magfile nung sa latest case, punta ka naman sa file room sa 15th tapos kunin mo ’yung transcript nung depositions sa K.M. Villanueva case,” sabi niya at tumango naman ako. “Ay, pala, ’wag mong ila-lock ’yung pinto kasi sira. Sa weekends pa raw dadating iyong mag-aayos.”

I kept myself busy hanggang sa biglang pumasok si Jenny.

“Gen!” sabi niya.

Nagulat naman ako. “Ha? Bakit?”

“Di ko alam kung concerned ka dito, ha? Pero inutusan kasi ako ni Sir Parker na bumili ng bulaklak!”

Biglang napaawang iyong labi ko. “T-talaga? P-para kanino?” kinakabahan ko na tanong. I was hoping that he was buying it for his Tita Imogen… o kahit sino na matanda. Kahit kay Nari na lang! Baka naman congratulatory gift dahil triplets ang pinagbubuntis niya? God! Bakit ba bigla na naman akong kinakabahan ng ganito?!

“Cindy daw ilagay ko sa card, e. Kilala mo?”

God. Si Snow White.

God, Parker! Kung hindi anghel, Disney princess naman! Bakit ba masyadong magaganda ang mga babae mo? Tapos ako mukha lang dwarf kumpara kay Cindy!

“Jenny…” I said. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure, basta ’wag pagkain, ha? Napapagod na ako mag-abot ng pagkain na tinatapon lang sa basura. Nakaka-hinayang.”

I nodded and then told her about my plan. I knew I wasn’t playing fair, but I just didn’t want to see Parker falling for someone else… kung may chance na may nararamdaman pa rin siya para sa akin, hahalukayin ko iyon kahit gaano pa niya kalalim ibaon.

He wanted a resilient girl? I’d give him one. Hindi niya na ako matitibag kahit ilang beses niya akong itaboy.

Kabanata 27

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 27 

My plan was stupid… and childish, but I was desperate to talk to him. O kahit makasama man lang siya sa isang lugar na hindi niya ako nilalagpasan o tina-trato na parang hangin. I wanted to give Parker space and time to forgive me a little… pero noong narinig ko na papadalhan niya ng bulaklak si Cindy—iyong ex niya, biglang parang nagkaroon ng countdown sa loob ng dibdib ko.

Jenny was hesitant to help, but she probably pitied me. Ilang beses niya na akong nakita na nasasaktan tuwing tinatapon ni Parker iyong mga bigay ko. But even though a small part of me died every time he’d do it, I held on. Alam ko kasi na dadating iyong panahon na pareho na kaming okay…

And maybe then, the timing would finally be right.

“Fuck,” Parker said for the third time nung subukan niya na buksan iyong pintuan. Nakatayo lang ako sa likod niya at tahimik na pinapanood siya habang sinusubukan niya na buksan iyong pinto. Nakita ko na tinignan niya kung dala niya iyong cellphone niya, but thanks to my luck, hindi niya dala iyon.

Naglakad si Parker papunta sa pwesto kung saan naka-install iyong CCTV camera, pero nakuntsaba ko na iyong mga tao sa control room. Mabuti na lang at alam nila iyong sitwasyon kaya pumayag sila. Though sabi nila, one hour maximum lang daw.

Parker kept on waving at the camera, probably ay umaasa na mapansin siya. Malas niya lang na nautakan ko na siya.

“Shit,” he uttered again. He looked around at ni hindi man lang siya huminto nung matapat iyong mga mata niya sa akin. It seemed like he purposely trained himself not to notice me anymore.

Para na talaga akong invisible girl pagdating sa kanya.

“Masasaktan ka lang,” sabi ko nang subukan niya na sipain iyong pintuan. I got ignored, but I was worried that he’d injure himself dahil sa ginagawa niya.

“Parker.”

He stopped kicking the door, but he still ignored my presence. Pumunta siya sa isang gilid na pinaka-malayo mula sa kinatatayuan ko at saka doon siya naupo. I stared at him and sighed.

‘Sabi mo hindi ka susuko…’ I reminded myself. ‘Resilience, Genesis. Panindigan mo. Walang sukuan kahit gaano ka itaboy…’

Naupo rin ako sa kabilang gilid. The room was small, but it felt bigger because Parker felt so far away. Kahit na gusto kong mapanghinaan ng loob dahil sa sobrang lamig niya, pinanghahawakan ko iyong sinabi niya na gusto niya ako…

Because if you like someone, the feelings don’t just vanish… kahit kakaunting feelings na lang ’yan, panghahawakan ko. Kakapit ako.

“Nung isang araw, nagpasama ako kay Preston,” pagsisimula ko. Alam ko na naririnig niya ako kahit hindi niya ako pinapansin. “Nagdala ako ng flowers sa Mama mo… Nagsorry din ako sa kanya kasi nasaktan ko ’yung nag-iisa niyang anak na lalaki. Tapos alam mo ba? Biglang humangin nang malakas. Natakot si Preston kaya iniwan ako. Baliw talaga ’yung best friend mo,” sabi ko habang naiiling.

Parker’s eyes were still blank, but I pushed on. At least alam ko na naririnig niya ako. This was much better than the situation before.

“Anyway, sabi ko sa Mama mo, aalagaan kita. Kaya nga pinapadalhan kita ng dinner kasi alam ko na kapag babad ka na sa mga binabasa mo, hindi mo na naaalala na kailangan nga pala ng tao na kumain para makapagfunction.” I sighed. “Alam ko na galit ka sa akin… Naiintindihan ko… pero ’wag mo naman sanang idamay iyong sarili mo sa galit mo sa akin. Kumain ka naman…”

The last thing I wanted was for him to get sick. Walang mag-aalaga sa kanya.

Baka si Cindy.

Stop.

‘Cindy’s a part of Parker’s past. This shouldn’t be an issue anymore. Kagaya ni Imo, hindi kasalanan ni Cindy na minahal siya ni Parker,’ I reminded myself. Ayoko na mabulag na naman ako sa selos sa nakaraan ni Parker. It was hard not to… natatakot kasi ako na mapalitan na naman ako.

Maybe I was paranoid. But it was also hard to shake off the feeling that you’re expendable… na ang dali-dali mo lang palitan.

I sighed and smiled. I shouldn’t really entertain such thoughts.

“Friends na rin pala kami ni Imo,” kwento ko sa kanya. “Nakausap ko na siya. Sorry kung hindi ako naniwala sa ’yo nung sinabi mo na naka-move on ka na sa kanya, ha? Paranoid lang kasi talaga ako. Kasi… ’di ba nagcheat sa akin si Tristan?” I bit my lips and tried to calm my tightening chest. “I just… don’t want to go through the same experience again.”

I didn’t want to spend days crying.

I didn’t want to question my worth again.

I didn’t want to wonder if I would ever be okay again.

“Ayoko na na mapalitan… kasi paano kung siya pala talaga ’yung mahal mo? Ayokong maiwan ulit, Parker…” I looked at him. I still wasn’t getting any reaction from him, but I still went on. “I’m sorry if I was weak. Na mas pinili ko na ikaw iyong masaktan kaysa ako…” I smiled. “I promised that I’ll make myself stronger para kayanin ko na na magstay kahit mahirap. Pero mahina pa rin kasi ako… hindi ko alam kung kailan dadating ’yung panahon na malakas na ako. Pero kahit na ganoon, dito lang ako sa paligid mo, okay? Kahit hindi mo ako pinapansin, okay lang… At least nakikita mo na nagta-try talaga ako.”

I hugged my knees close to my chest. “Mahirap talaga ’yung hindi mo ako pinapansin, Parker…” I said and them sadly smiled at him. “Pero alam ko na mas mahirap kapag hindi kita nakita… kaya ayos lang na ’wag mo muna akong pansinin. Basta alam ko na safe ka, ayos na ako don. Sa ngayon.”

Tinignan ko muna siya sandali bago ko niyuko iyong ulo ko sa may tuhod ko. This was enough for today. I didn’t want to bombard him with my realizations. Nung una kasi, masyado kaming naging mabilis… kaya ang bilis lang ding bumagsak. Pero ngayon, I wanted to take every step slowly.

Slowly but surely… basta kami ang end game, I wouldn’t bother with our worm speed.

Sa buong oras, hindi talaga nagsalita si Parker. Wala akong narinig na kahit ano mula sa kanya. At nang dumating na iyong magbubukas nung pinto, agad siyang tumayo.

“Hala, sorry po, Sir. Ngayon lang kami nasabihan na—”

“No, it’s fine,” sabi niya at saka mabilis na lumabas. Lihim akong napa-ngiti. It’s fine? It’s fine na na-stuck siya for an hour kasama ako?

Good job, Gen. Effective pala talaga iyong payo ni Imogen na magtyaga lang ako pagdating kay Parker… kasi siya talaga iyong tipo na worth the wait.

---

When finals came, medyo naglie low muna ako sa pagtingin kay Parker. I knew I needed all my energy used para sa pag-aaral. I wasn’t in denial. Alam ko na malaki ang chance na ma-kickout talaga ako kapag hindi ako umayos.

“Kinakabahan ako, shet,” bulong ko sa sarili ko habang nasa labas at naghihintay na mabuksan iyong classroom. I tried to open my book to review pero biglang may kumuha. “Hey! Ibalik mo nga! Bastos na ’to!” sigaw ko nung kunin ni Maven ang libro sa kamay ko.

“It’s not good to read minutes before the exam. You’ll just confuse yourself.”

“Confused na confused na ako, so ganoon rin,” sabi ko at saka pilit na kinuha iyong libro pero ayaw niyang ibigay. “Maven!”

“You don’t need to memorize these word for word, Abby. I know you’re already familiar with the concepts. You just have to apply,” sabi niya.

I sighed. “Alam ko naman… pero magkaiba tayo, Maven, okay? Ikaw, mula kanunuan mo, abogado na. Nasa lahi mo na ang pagiging abogado. Ako—”

Maven cut me off. “I work my ass off everyday to get my grades, Abby. Genes and bloodline don’t define me,” sabi niya at napairap na naman. Sarap talaga tusukin ng mata nito. “The problem with you, you always complain without actually doing the hardwork,” pagpapatuloy niya at saka binaba sa lamesa ko iyong libro.

“Nag-aaral ako.”

“Yeah, but you complain more than you study.”

“I’m trying…”

“Well, try harder. In law school, trying will only get you so far. Step up if you wanna stay.”

And then he left. Napalaylay ang balikat ko. Bakit ba hindi ako kasing talino ni Parker o Maven? Ang gaganda ng grades nila. Puro uno halos lahat… mababa na iyong 1.25 sa kanila!

Nang magpapasok na sila, nagsign of the cross muna ako. Nag-aral naman na talaga ako… but I still needed Lord’s guidance para mairaos ko ang isang linggong exams.

“Holy shit,” paulit-ulit na bulong ko habang nagsasagot. I used the best of my knowledge and ability to answer everything… but fuck.

---

“You look like shit,” Maven said nang magkasalubong kami sa hallway. Today’s the last day of finals. I was drained as shit. Pakiramdam ko ay kape na ang dumadaloy sa ugat ko.

“I am shit,” sabi ko at saka nagbuntong hininga. “I think… first and last sem ko na rito.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Hinampas ko siya. “Wow, thanks, ha!”

“I’m just getting tired of hearing the same complain, Abby. Law school is hard. It will never be easy,” he said and then tapped the top of my head. “If this isn’t hard, then everyone will do this. It’s the hard part that makes this great.”

I sighed. “I know… thanks, Maven. Marami ka talagang words of wisdom.”

Sigurado kapag tumakbo ’tong presidente, maraming mauuto. Mabulaklak magsalita, e. Minsan nga nilalait ka na pero nagagawa niyang sabihin sa sophisticated na paraan para hindi masyadong masakit pakinggan. Skills.

Nagpaalam na agad ako kay Maven para dumiretso sa cafeteria para bumili ng energy drink dahil hindi na ako talaga tinatablan ng kape. Naupo muna ako sandali para ubusin iyon. Nang papaalis na ako, nahinto ako sandali dahil nakita ko si Parker.

He was walking towards me. Hindi ko alam kung palpitations ba ’to sa dami ng nainom ko… or baka naman naghahallucinate na ako dahil sa kawalan ng tulog.

“Good luck sa exams,” I said… not really hoping for a reply.

“You, too.”

Napahinto ako. God, nagkaka-mental breakdown na yata ako dahil nag-iimagine ako na kinausap ako ni Parker.

Kabanata 28

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 28 

When sembreak came, mas lalo akong nabuhayan ng loob dahil alam ko na mas madalas kong makikita si Parker. Kapag kasi nasa school, hindi ko siya madalas makita dahil syempre, busy din naman ako sa pag-aaral. Ewan ko ba. Kahit kasi hindi ako pinapansin ni Parker, alam ko naman na malulungkot ’yun kapag bumagsak ako. Sobrang grade conscious pa naman nung tao na ’yun.

Bakit kaya hindi sila magkasundo ni Maven? Pareho naman silang grades freak. Grabe. Kulang na lang pakasalan nila mga law books nila, e. Tapos pareho din silang naka-salamin. Though, mas maangas nga lang itsura ni Maven. Tapos si Parker naman, more on the serious side.

“Good morning!” I greeted everyone I met nang papasok na ako sa firm.

“Nasa office na si Sir!” Manong Ben told me. Natawa naman ako. Kalat na yata sa firm iyong hindi pagpansin sa akin ni Parker. Everyone’s rooting for me! Though alam ko naman na kasalanan ko rin kung bakit ganito ang trato ni Parker. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Oo, siguro hindi kami sobrang okay ngayon, pero ang maganda sa nangyari, nagkaroon ako ng chance na malinawan sa mga bagay-bagay.

Saka siguro, clean slate na rin namin ’to.

I was smiling to myself… and feeling a bit better… nang may makita akong babae sa office ni Parker. Agad akong natigilan.

I stood there, looking at them. Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, pero pilit kong kinalma ang sarili ko.

“Ayan ka na naman sa tamang hinala mo,” I said to myself as I watched Parker talk to Cindy. Pilit kong inalis iyong atensyon ko sa kanila, pero iyong mga mata ko, ayaw sumunod sa akin. Nakatayo lang ako roon at pinapanood sila na mag-usap.

“She’s his ex, Gen. Past na ’yan. Bakit ba ang dami mong trust issues sa katawan?” I continued berating myself. Baka naman kasi may pag-uusapan lang sila… After all, she’s a part of his life. Iyong bago ako nakilala ni Parker. And it’s not I could just wipe everyone from his past just to make myself feel better.

I really should just be mature about it. To suck it up and accept that things would not always go the way I want them to go… because that’s life. You don’t always get what you ask for.

Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago ko napilit ang sarili ko na tumalikod at maglakad palayo.

---

Lumipas ang buong umaga na nag-aayos lang ako ng mga gagamitin para sa mga cases. Nung dumating iyong lunch, lumabas na ako sa filing room tapos nadaaanan ko na naman iyong office ni Parker. He wasn’t there kagaya nung mga nakaraang araw na halos doon na siya tumira.

I was staring at his office when I felt someone tapping my shoulder. “Okay lang ’yan, girl.”

“H-ha?” naguguluhan na sabi ko kay Jenny.

“Pina-cancel ni Sir ’yung lahat ng appointments niya ngayong araw,” makahulugang sabi niya sa akin.

I tried to smile. I was practicing not letting negative thoughts invade my mind. “Ah… baka busy lang. Deserve niya naman na magpahinga.”

Jenny looked at me with pity… something that I didn’t deserve. Sa paningin kasi ng mga tao sa office, ang sama ni Parker dahil ilang beses niya na akong hindi pinapansin. Lahat ng binibigay ko, hindi niya ginagalaw. But I knew otherwise. I asked for this when I dumped him…

In our short story, I was the villain.

…and maybe Cindy’s the princess. Hindi ko alam. But our story wasn’t done yet. Hindi naman siguro masamang umasa na baka huli, sa akin din siya mapupunta.

“Marami namang iba dyan, girl. ’Wag na ipilit kay Sir Parker. Masasaktan ka lang dun,” she said.

“Okay lang. Expected ko naman na,” I replied, trying to sound hopeful.

“Ano bang meron kay Sir Parker? I mean, oo gwapo siya. But he’s… I don’t know. Dull. Puro siya trabaho.”

I knew she meant well, but judging Parker so harshly didn’t sit well with me. Hindi naman niya kilala si Parker. Dito niya lang naman nakikita si Parker. Ni hindi niya nakikita si Parker kung gaano ito ka-dedicated sa pag-aaral para lang maging maayos iyong firm. How he helped me when I needed help the most. How he made me feel special when I felt like no one would ever see my worth… kasi sabi ni Tristan, nakuha niya na lahat. Na wala ng magmamahal sa akin.

“He’s worth it,” I replied.

“Worth all the embarrassment?”

I nodded. “He’s worth everything. He’s been through a lot, Jenny. Mas matagal ka sa akin dito sa firm kaya alam ko na alam mo lahat ng nangyari sa pamilya niya. If he’s dull, that’s just because he practically lost his family. Isn’t that enough reason para maging tahimik siya? And did you ever try to talk to him maliban sa tungkol sa trabaho? Because Parker’s one of the best people to talk to. He’s a good listener and he’s insightful. Ang problema kasi, you judge based on what you see… that you failed to notice what a beautifully flawed person he actually is.”

My chest was heaving when I finished. I just wanted to defend Parker, because I knew that he never would defend himself. Wala siyang pakielam sa mga sasabihin sa kanya ng ibang tao. For him, as long as he’s not doing anything wrong, wala siyang pakielam sa iniisip ng iba.

But I wasn’t him. I just couldn’t sit and listen to people talking shit about him. Na para bang kilalang-kilala na siya at ang buong pagkatao niya.

Napaawang ang labi ni Jenny sa mga sinabi ko.

“I’m sorry,” sabi ko dahil nabigla lang din ako sa mga lumabas sa bibig ko. “But in all seriousness, Parker’s a nice person. And he’s fun… he just knows when to be serious.”

I excused myself at saka lumabas. Naghahanap ako ng pwedeng kainan dahil wala naman si Parker. Naging hobby ko na kasi na bilhan siya ng pagkain tapos sabay akong kakain kahit na naka-tingin lang ako mula sa malayo. It sounded sad, but it didn’t feel sad. Gusto ko lang na alam ni Parker na may kasama siya. That he’s not totally alone. Sabi kasi ni Imo, what Parker needs is someone who will stay—in the truest definition of the word. Iyong hindi aalis kahit sobrang hirap na nung mga nangyayari.

And I knew what I was feeling was nothing compared to what Parker’s feeling, but when the great storm brewed in, I promise to stay.

“Maven!” Na-excite ako nung makita ko si Maven na naglalakad… of course kabuntot pa rin niya iyong security details niya na medyo nakakatakot dahil sobrang serious nung mukha.

Diretso pa rin si Maven sa paglalakad kahit tinawag ko na siya. I had to run para lang maabutan siya! Buti na lang kilala na ako nung security niya kundi, sure ako na hinatak na ako! Sobrang protective pa naman nila kay Maven kahit ang laki-laking tao!

“Ang suplado!” sabi ko nung naabutan ko na siya. “Buti naman huminto ka na!” hinihingal na sabi ko dahil tumakbo pa talaga ako.

“Why?” he asked, nakakunot na naman ang noo, as usual.

“Naglunch ka na?”

“Why?”

“Wala akong kasabay…”

“Where’s Parker?”

Napalabi ako. “Kasama ’yung pinsan mo…” malungkot na sabi ko, pero syempre pinipilit ko iyong sarili ko na ’wag mag-isip ng masama. Malay ko ba kung ano ang ginagawa nila. At saka at least kumakain si Parker! Kahit pa hindi ako ang kasama… silver lining pa rin iyon kahit papaano.

Nanatili na nakakunot ang noo ni Maven. “Who?”

“Pinsan mo nga!” napalakas na sabi ko. Bigla akong nainis sa itsura ni Maven. Bakit kasi ang ganda ng genes ng pamilya na ’to? Mukha tuloy Disney Princess si Cindy!

“I have many cousins, Abby. Please be specific,” bored na sabi niya. Sarap tusukin nung mga mata nito. Lagi na lang parang tinatamad or nabobore sa kausap niya. Never ko pa nakita na mukhang interesado ’to sa kahit sino na kausap niya, e.

“Si Cindy.”

“Oh.” He cocked his head. “Jealous?”

“Hindi, ah.”

“Really,” he said, nodding his head while carefully eyeing me. “You’re a horrible liar, Abby.”

I sighed. “Hindi nga kasi…” I said and miserably failed. “I mean, wala naman akong karapatan na magselos kasi ’di ba ako ’yung nang-iwan? At saka… I’m trying to turn a new leaf here. Nilalawakan ko kaya ’yung pang-unawa ko.”

Maven was just staring at me, pero alam ko na maraming bagay na agad ang tumatakbo sa isip niya. Ganyan naman kasi siya. Kunwari tahimik lang pero maraming panlalait na naiisip.

“Okay,” he just said.

“Iyon lang? Okay?”

“Yeah. Were you expecting something?”

“Oo. Iyong irerealtalk mo ako or something…” I honestly told him. Nasanay na kasi ako sa mga masasakit—pero totoo—na sinasabi sa akin ni Maven. Para ba siyang eye-opener ko sa mga katangahan ko at pagiging one-sided ko.

“I don’t need to. You’re already doing a great job,” sabi niya kaya napaawang ang labi ko.

Agad kong sinalat iyong leeg niya—noo dapat pero hindi ko abot dahil ang tangkad ng peste na ’to. “May lagnat ka ba?”

Maven irritatedly slapped my hand away. “I don’t thrive on saying horrible things, Abby. I say it as I see it. And by the way things are going, you’re doing a good job.”

“T-talaga?”

“Yeah.”

“Sa tingin mo, deserve ko na si Parker?”

He shrugged. “The thing is, not everyone will get what they deserve… but if Parker wants you really, even if you don’t deserve him, you’ll still get him.”

“What?”

Nilagay niya iyong index finger sa gitna ng noo ko. “Even if you’re the most horrible human there is, if Parker wants you, no matter how inadequate you think you are, he wouldn’t mind… because that’s actually what love is, right? All that shitty stuff about accepting.”

I nodded. “Sana nga…” I smiled. “Pero kung si Cindy man ang gusto niya, sana matanggap ko…”

“Cindy’s his ex. Why are you so fucking hangup on the past?”

“Because maraming memories, Maven. Ang hirap kalaban ng memories.”

“Why? There’s this thing called future. Why would you look back if you can look forward?”

I shrugged. “Hindi ko rin alam… ganoon siguro talaga. Masokista,” I said and smiled. “Pero hindi ko naman masisisi si Parker. Mas bagay sila ni Cindy.”

Maven rolled his eyes na parang bwisit na bwisit na siya sa akin at kung bakit ba nakasalubong ko pa siya. “You’re so fucking insecure, Genesis. Go fix that insecurity.”

“Ang ganda kasi ng pinsan mo!”

“So?”

“Mukhang Disney Princess!”

“So?”

“Tignan mo naman ako!” sabi ko sabay turo sa sarili ko. “Ang ganda ng pinsan mo compared sa akin!”

“If you’ll keep on comparing yourself to everyone, you’ll end up miserable because there’s always going to be someone smarter, taller, and prettier. And Parker already likes you despite how horrible you think you look like. And if you think Parker based his feelings on physical appearance, trust me that you’ll be the last in line.”

Siguro… kung pwede lang ako suntukin ni Maven, ginawa niya na. Pero hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o mamamangha sa words of wisdom ni Maven. Tuwi kasing love ang pinag-uusapan namin, para bang allergic siya.

“Maven… are you gay?”

Maven’s face remained impassive. “No,” he responded.

“Sure ka?”

“Yeah.”

“Nagka-girlfriend ka na ba?”

“Yeah.”

“Sino?”

“You,” sabi niya sabay pitik sa noo ko. “Now, go. I’m meeting my mom. Or join us if you want her to plan our wedding already,” he said, clearly annoyed kung bakit sobrang masaya iyong Mama niya na may girlfriend siya. Wala ba talagang naging girlfriend ’to ever?

Maven began to walk when I shouted, “Maven! Kahit ano ka pa, tanggap kita!” sigaw ko habang papalayo siya sa akin. At tawang-tawa ako nung itaas niya iyong middle finger niya! Gosh! So unbecoming of the prim and proper Maven de Marco!

---

Hanggang sa makarating ako sa office, biglang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Sabi ko na nga ba kailangan ko lang talaga ng enlightenment mula kay Maven, e.

Parker still wasn’t around, pero nagfocus na lang ako sa trabaho ko. It was already around 10pm nung matapos ako sa ginagawa ko. Hanggang 8 lang talaga dapat pero gusto ko nang tapusin. Maiipon lang kasi kapag iniwanan ko. Ang dami pa namang cases na pumapasok sa firm.

My stomach was already grumbling nang lumabas ako sa file room. I was yawning and stretching dahil buong araw na akong nakaupo. Papunta na sana ako sa table ko para kuhanin iyong bag ko nung makasalubong ko si Parker. Agad siyang natigilan nung nakita ako.

“H-hi,” I said. Medyo nabigla din ako nung nakita ko siya. Akala ko kasi bukas ko na ulit siya makikita, e.

Parker just nodded at me… well, at least he’s acknowledging my presence na! A big improvement mula sa total na pag-ignore niya sa akin dati!

Dumiretso ako at kinuha ko na iyong gamit ko. Dumaan muna ako sa CR tapos nung lalabas na ako para mag-abang sa elevator, biglang nakarinig ako nung ingay mula sa filing room. Agad akong pumunta roon at nakita ko si Parker na napapalibutan nung mga papel.

“Shit,” he uttered under his breath. Sobrang lala ko na ba kung ang saya ko na narinig ko magmura si Parker? Kasi naman! Hindi talaga siya nagsasalita kapag malapit ako! Para akong bata na pinatikim ulit ng candy!

“Uhh… may hinahanap ka ba?”

“Nothing. Just go home,” sabi niya at saka lumuhod para kunin iyong mga papel. He obviously didn’t know what he was doing dahil sobrang dami nung nakalat niya na papel. I knew I should get irked dahil buong araw ko inayos iyong mga papel tapos ikakalat niya lang… but this felt nice. Being in the same space as him.

“Ano bang hinahanap mo?” I asked. I also knelt down and began to gather the papers. Parker remained silent. “Files ’to mula last, last week hanggang present. Kung mula sa dati pa ’yung hinahanap mo, wala dito,” I told him.

Parker stayed silent, but I knew he was thinking… and maybe considering.

I continued picking up the papers when my stomach grumbled.

“Go home,” Parker said.

“Pero—”

“I’ll manage. Go home and eat.”

Kinagat ko iyong labi ko para pigilan na mapa-ngiti. Suplado nito pero may pakielam naman!

Kabanata 29

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 29 

I did as Parker said. Umuwi na ako at saka kumain—but not after may mahanap ako para tumulong sa kanya. Ayoko naman kasi na mag-isa siyang maghanap ng kailangan niya. Hindi pa naman siya sanay doon.

Days passed by quickly. Busy si Parker sa kung anuman ang ginagawa niya kasama si Cindy. And although my curiosity was killing me, I managed to shrug it off. It’s Parker’s business, after all. At saka nagtitiwala naman ako na kung ako talaga ang gusto ni Parker, ako talaga. Kahit pa mukhang Disney Princess si Cindy.

I was in the middle of sorting yet another batch of files when my phone vibrated. Kaagad kong kinuha iyon kasi baka importante… but I almost dropped my phone when I saw the message.

Your grades are now available in the online portal.

Iyong kabog ng puso ko, grabe. Parang anytime ay pwede na siyang tumalon palabas ng dibdib ko.

I breathed again and again to calm myself, but to no avail. Alam mo ’yung feeling na alam mong ginawa mo naman lahat ng makakaya mo… nag-aral ka, hindi ka na natutulog halos, kinabisado mo lahat, ginawa mo lahat… pero kahit na ganoon, alam mo na bagsak ka pa rin? Sobrang helpless ng pakiramdam ko.

But I decided to just check my grades later. Marami pa rin naman kasi akong ginagawa… or maybe I was just prolonging my agony.

“See you tomorrow!” Jenny said. Tapos na iyong trabaho namin para ngayong araw. I smiled at her and waved. Nang inaayos ko na iyong mga gamit ko, I accidentally saw my phone—which I hid earlier dahil ayokong maisip iyong grades ko. But seeing it again reminded me of the impending doom.

“Bahala na nga…” I said and then grabbed my phone. Agad akong naglakad papunta sa fire exit. I just… knew I needed to be alone. Hindi naman ako tanga. Hindi ako in denial. I knew what was coming.

My hands were slightly shaking, but I managed to log in. Sobrang lalim ng paghinga ko habang hinihintay ko na lumabas iyong grades ko.

GWA: 3.54166667

Status: Under Probation

Hindi ko alam kung ano ’yung dapat kong maramamdaman. I felt… scared. And angry. And disappointed.

Fuck. Hindi ko maintindihan ’yung sarili ko.

Nanatili na naka-tingin ako sa cellphone ko. Puro tres… may dalawang bagsak. Expected ko naman na… pero iba pa rin iyong pakiramdam kapag nasa harapan mo na. Parang… shit saan pa ba ako nagkulang? Ginawa ko na lahat. Pero ang kulang pa rin. Sobrang kulang pa rin.

Naputol ang pag-iisip ko nang may marinig akong bumukas na pinto. Napaawang ang labi ko nang makita ko si Parker. He was looking for something and when he saw me, relief washed over his face.

Akala ko titignan niya lang ako. Akala ko hindi siya magsasalita.

“Do you need someone to talk to?”

“Ha?”

He closed the door behind him and began to get nearer.

“About the grades,” he continued. He was talking as if he was walking on thin ice. “Wanna talk about it?” maingat niyang tanong.

“Ha? Hindi. Okay lang ako,” I said, trying to sound alright even though inside, I couldn’t explain what was happening. I knew. Alam ko na bagsak ako… but my system couldn’t process it yet.

I wanted to talk to Parker, to be there for him… To help him when things get tough. I wanted to become stronger for him… but I wasn’t strong right now. I felt so weak, so defeated.

Napaangat ako ng tingin nang abutan niya ako ng panyo. “You’re crying,” he said. Napahawak ako sa pisngi ko at saka ko lang napansin na umiiyak na pala ako.

“H-hala, sorry,” I said as I tried to wipe the tears away. Naglakad pababa ng hagdan si Parker hanggang sa maupo siya sa tabi ko. “Okay lang—”

“It’s okay to cry, you know?” sabi niya habang nakaupo sa tabi ko. Tahimik ako na pinupunasan iyong mga luha na patuloy na tumutulo. Hindi matigil sa pagbagsak iyong mga luha ko.

“Law school is really hard.”

“Baka hindi lang talaga para sa akin.”

“So, you’ll just give it up?” he asked. “I thought you really want this?”

I smiled despite of all the tears that kept on flowing. Parang… alam ng puso ko na ang sakit-sakit kahit ayaw tanggapin ng isip ko. I really wanted this. For years, alam ko na gusto kong maging abogado… tapos ganito ’yung nangyayari.

I felt like shit.

I felt like a complete waste of space.

“Gusto ko nga… but what if it’s not working anymore?”

“Then you work for it harder,” Parker said and then faced me. “Someone told me before that if things get broken, you don’t throw them away. You fix them.”

Napa-ngiti ako ng kaunti. “Si Imo ba ang nagsabi niyan?”

Parker nodded. “Yeah… but she’s right.”

“Alam ko naman… but I failed two classes. Alam mo ’yung parang pinaparamdam sa ’yo na hindi talaga ’to para sa ’yo? Na hindi sapat na gusto mo kung hindi mo naman kaya?”

Stupid tears kept on flowing.

“Dati kasi, sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na kaya hindi ako magiging lawyer, kasi mas pinili ko na magpaubaya dahil kay Tristan. Parang naging dahilan ko na ’yun sa sarili ko… na si Tristan iyong dahilan kung bakit hindi ko matupad ’yung pangarap ko… tapos… ito.” Napangiti ako ng mapakla. “Sinasampal na sa mukha ko na hindi ko kaya. Na ako mismo sa sarili ko ’yung dahilan kung bakit hindi matutupad ’yung pangarap ko.”

Parker looked at me. “Failing doesn’t mean it’s the end.”

“Maybe it is for me.” I smiled. “Maybe this is the world telling me to stop this delusion of mine. Na hindi talaga para sa akin kaya ’wag ko ng ipilit.” His handkerchief was soaking from all of my unwanted tears. Kamay ko na ang ginagamit ko para alisin iyong mga luha sa mukha ko. “Sorry… hindi ko kasi matigil talaga ’yung pag-iyak,” I apologized.

I sobbed and sobbed and my shoulders shook as I let my disappointment wash over me. Parker just quietly sat down beside me. Akala ko aalis na siya pero nanatili siya sa tabi ko habang tahimik ako na umiiyak.

And when I grew tired and tears finally stopped, I said, “Thank you.” Tumayo na ako at saka nagsimulang maglakad palayo nang maramdaman ko na sinusundan ako ni Parker. “Don’t worry, uuwi ako ng safe,” I said, trying to convince him. “Hindi ako suicidal. Grades lang ’to… right?”

My words failed me because his eyes weren’t convinced.

“Don’t stop crying if you’re not done. It’s okay to fail, Genesis. It doesn’t make you less of a human.”

I wanted to feel better because of what he said, but I knew what a failure I was. Ito na. Sumampal na sa mismong mukha ko. Hindi ko kayang maging abogado.

“I know. But I still feel like shit. I feel like a disappointment. I feel ashamed of myself. Ang tanga-tanga ko sa pakiramdam ko, Parker. Pinilit ko naman kasi. Ginawa ko naman ’yung lahat. Nag-aral naman ako. Binigay ko naman lahat. Pero ganito pa rin. Ang sakit kasi. Ang sakit kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko kaya—”

And then he pulled me in.

“It’s okay,” he said.

My chest was heaving. Tears began to fall again.

“Ang tanga-tanga ko.”

“Gen, you’re not stupid.”

He hugged me tighter as I cried harder.

“I’m stupid and shitty and—”

I stopped when Parker cupped my face. “smart. And wonderful. And selfless. And generous,” he continued, staring intently in my eyes. “Gen, these are just grades. They don’t define who you are as a person. Just because you failed doesn’t mean you’re not worth anything.”

“But I—”

“Not everyone who failed is stupid. There are different circumstances that cause failure… but that doesn’t equate to being stupid. Maybe it’s not the right time… but there’s always a second chance, Genesis. If you didn’t get it the first time, there’s a second, a third, a fourth time. There are infinite times to do things over.”

Parker caressed my cheek with his thumb.

“Genesis,” he breathed. “You’re worth more than your grades. You fucking sacrificed your dreams for someone to achieve his… and if that doesn’t make you perfect, I don’t know what will.”

Mas lalong tumulo iyong luha ko.

“Please stop crying.”

Mas lalong bumilis.

“You’re making me cry,” I said and sobbed. “Kailangan ba bumagsak ako bago mo ako kausapin?” tanong ko sa kanya habang halos hindi na ako maka-hinga dahil sa pag-iyak.

A small smile dawned on Parker’s face. “I was just worried that you’d jump when I saw you heading at the fire exit,” he said with a gentle smile on his face.

“Hindi ako tatalon. Hinihintay ko pa na mawala na ’yung galit mo sa akin…”

“I’m not mad—”

“Tinapon mo lahat ng binigay ko sa ’yo.”

“I did not.”

“Nakita ko—”

“I eat when you’re not looking. It’s so obvious that you’re staring every time,” he said. Niluwagan niya iyong hawak sa mukha ko at saka hinawakan iyong kamay ko.

“Talaga?”

He nodded. “I just wanted to give you time. And to give myself time. You’re right; we jumped in this ship too soon. We both have baggages that we should cater to first. I was mad at first… but I realized that breaking up was the best decision for the both of us.”

I nodded. “I know. Kahit na masakit na nagkaganito tayo, alam ko naman na may nangyari na maganda… wala na akong issue kay Imo… in fact, nagsSkype nga kami madalas nila Nari.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded again. “Bored daw kasi siya palagi dahil busy si Saint sa training sa basketball kaya kinakausap namin siya ni Nari madalas,” I answered with a smile, but tears were still falling. “Sorry, naiiyak pa rin ako.”

Parker smiled and wiped the tears with his thumb. “You still have next sem to prove yourself.”

“Yeah… one more cinco and kickout na ako.”

“We’ll study. I’ll tutor you.”

“Wag na—”

“I insist.”

“You have your work tapos nag-aaral ka rin. Ayokong maging pabigat.”

Parker pressed his lips together. “I never thought of you that way.”

“Still—”

“You already gave so many things up, Gen. I won’t stand and watch your dream get away from your grasp,” he said and then smiled at me. “You’ll become a lawyer.”

I smiled.

“We’ll both graduate. And then we’ll take the BAR. And we’ll take the Oath. And we’ll practice law.”

God. It sounded so good.

“We’ll do those things together,” he said.

“Together?” I asked.

He nodded. “Together.”

Hindi ko alam kung together-together ba talaga iyong sinasabi ni Parker… but whatever it was, I was fine with it. One step at a time. One dream at a time.

Kabanata 30

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 30 

Things were certainly different this time around… hindi ko ma-point out kung ano mismo, but I was certain that something changed.

“Here,” Parker said nung iabot niya sa akin ang isang libro pa. Halos tore na iyong nasa harapan ko pero patuloy lang na nadadagdagan pa iyon.

I sighed. Nasa gitna pa naman ng sembreak pero feeling ko, pasukan na ulit. “Naka-pasa naman ako dito…” I said when I looked at the books he added to the pile.

“Yeah, but you need to understand the basics before you can proceed to the higher subjects,” sabi niya at saka pinatong iyong huling libro na kailangan kong basahin. “It’ll only get harder from now on.”

“Alam ko,” I said, still feeling defeated. Gusto ko naman ding magpaka-positive dahil nakikita ko na nag-e-effort si Parker na matulungan ako… but it still hurt na bagsak ako. Kahit sariling kagagawan ko naman ’yun.

Parker held my chin and made me look at him. “Hey,” he said. “Listen, we’re work on this together.”

I smiled. “Thank you… pero hindi ka ba kailangan sa office?” tanong ko sa kanya. Sinabihan niya na kasi ako kagabi na ’wag na muna akong pumasok sa office. I tried to reason with him dahil parte iyon ng trabaho ko, pero buo na yata iyong pasya niya. He wanted me to focus on studying.

“They’ll manage,” he answered. Kinuha niya iyong isang libro at saka binuksan. May mga naka-sulat sa gilid na notes niya. “I’ll help you fix your scheds this sem.”

“Ha?”

“Sometimes, students fail not because they are stupid. It’s because of the professor,” sagot niya at saka nilapit sa akin iyong libro. “We’ll get you the best professors,” he assured me.

God, Parker.

“We’ll get you the ones who don’t give cinco just because they feel like it,” he continued. “Also, do you have preferred time? Do you—”

“Thank you,” I cut him off.

Kumunot ang noo niya. “For what?”

“For helping me work on myself.”

Napaawang ng kaunti iyong labi niya. It was like he was caught off guard for a moment before he regained his composure. Parker’s always been calm… and calculating. Minsan ko lang siya makita na magalit talaga… and ayoko na makita ulit. He’s pretty scary when he’s mad.

Akala ko sasagot siya pero parang nahiya na siya. Napa-ngiti na lang ako. Natapos iyong araw namin na pinabasa niya sa akin lahat nung essential. Pati nga codals pina-refresh niya sa akin para raw sure na alam ko pa rin. After nun, per subject na iyong tinuturo niya sa akin.

“Alam mo pa rin ’to?” amazed na tanong ko habang tinuturuan niya ako.

“Yeah,” he said, still focused on what he’s reading. “You need to not only remember, but also understand these, Gen,” sabi niya sabay highlight nung terms dun sa book about Contracts.

“I know, I know.”

“Really?” sabi niya at saka tinignan naman ako. “You don’t seem focused.”

“I am.” Parker just stared at me like he knew I was lying. “Okay, fine. Medyo nahihilo na ako sa dami ng binabasa ko,” I admitted. We were studying for the whole day already at talaga namang naghahalo na lahat ng letters sa paningin ko. Pati pa ’yung mga clauses and obligations shits na ’yan.

God, minsan iniisip ko na lang kung ano ba ’tong pinasok ko.

I thought Parker would still push me to read some more pero tumayo na siya. I looked up to him. He offered his hand.

“Let’s go out,” he said.

“Ha? Akala ko ba marami pang babasahin?”

“You need a breather,” he replied.

“Sure ka? Ang dami pa kasi nitong kailangan kong basahin, e.”

Parker nodded. “Yeah… but if you push yourself to the point of exhaustion, you’ll actually learn nothing,” sabi niya. I smiled at him. He’s so… full of wisdom. Iyon siguro iyong maganda sa mga nangyari sa kanya. Mas malawak na iyong perspective niya sa buhay. I mean, he’s just older than me ng kaunti pero kapag kausap ko siya, parang ang tanda-tanda niya na.

Nang makababa kami, papalabas na sana kami nung makita namin si Tita Imogen. Noted na. Kailangan talaga may Tita na gamit kasi nalilito ako sa kanila ni Imo. Hindi kaya mas nalilito sila sa bahay?

Pero in some way… ay, ewan. Medyo nakakaloka rin kasi ’yung history ng pangalan ni Imo at Parker, second generation. Gets ko na kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng nangyari, friends pa rin sila.

“Auntie,” Parker said.

Sandali na natigilan si Tita Imogen, pero agad na naka-bawi siya. She smiled—I mean she actually smiled! Kasalanan ko ba na shocked ako? Grabe kasi ang kwento sa akin ni Nari! I mean, tanggap ko na kung bibigyan niya ako ng attitude… after all, isa rin yata siya sa mga tao na umaasa na kahit minsan, maging para kay Parker ang isang Imogen.

“May kasama ka pala,” Tita Imogen said.

“Yes, Auntie. Bakit po?” Parker asked.

“Well, I was informed that you didn’t go to work today. I was just worried, alam mo naman na pinabantayan ka sa akin ng Papa mo,” she softly responded.

“Ah.” Parker shifted uncomfortably. Naging uncomfortable na rin tuloy ako. “I’ll just call Papa later,” sabi niya.

“Yes, please do that. Hindi ka na raw masyadong tumatawag. At palagi ka raw late na umuuwi,” nag-aalala na sabi ni Tita Imogen. Binaling niya naman ang tingin sa akin. “Genesis… right?”

Tipid akong tumango. “Yes po,” sagot ko. Mukha namang maayos siya. Wala pa naman siyang pinapakita na masama sa akin… so far. Pero ayoko naman siya i-judge. Nagpa-practice na kasi talaga ako na no judgments until further notice. Siguro sa dalas na ka-Skype ko si Imo, nahawa na ako sa kabanalan niya ng slight.

“Very well, mukhang may pupuntahan kayong dalawa. Mauna na ako,” she said and then smiled at the both of us. Tumalikod na siya at saka umalis.

“Wow,” sabi ko pagkatapos ng sandaling katahimikan. “That went better than expected.”

Napatingin sa akin si Parker. “What do you mean?”

“Base kasi sa kwento ni Nari at Imo, sobrang nahirapan sila kay Tita Imogen. Si Nari daw, ayaw sa kanya nung una ni Tita Imo dahil bigla na lang siyang lumabas na buntis. Tapos iyong kay Imo naman, dahil… you know? Ikaw ang gusto ni Tita para sa anak niya.”

Parker just nodded, as if he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Ni-respeto ko naman iyong desisyon niya at saka naglakad palabas. Pero nauna na ako dahil may kukunin pa raw siya sa taas. Dumiretso na ako sa labas at saka nagstretching nung makita ko si Tita Imogen.

“H-hi po,” I said awkwardly.

“Hello,” she replied. She still looked regal kahit na halata na may edad na siya. Ganto ang gusto kong itsura kapag matanda na ako. Mukha nga siyang suplada gaya ng kwento ni Nari, but wala pa naman siyang pagsusuplada na ginagawa.

“Where’s Parker?” she asked.

“Nasa taas po, may kinuha lang.”

She nodded. “You have a date?”

“H-ha? Wala po. Tinutulungan niya lang po akong mag-aral,” I said to my defense. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit sinasabi ko ’to, e. Bakit ba ang defensive ko? E sabi naman ni Parker, together-together na kami.

“That’s good. Na may kasama na mag-aral si Parker.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. I wasn’t expecting to hear this from her. I actually was expecting the worst.

“T-thank you po…” Tita Imogen smiled at me. “A-akala ko po kasi—”

She cut me off. “As long as you can assure me that you’ll make Parker happy, I won’t be a problem.” Napaawang ang labi ko. “That boy has been through a lot. I just want him to find happiness.”

Natahimik ako. I didn’t know what to reply. Alam ko kasi na dadating iyong panahon na magkakasakitan kami ni Parker. I couldn’t just promise an eternity of happiness… because that just doesn’t exist. Problems would come… and what we do amidst those problems would define how badly we wanted to work on our happiness.

And with Parker, I’d definitely work hard.

After all, I was his resilient girl. Hindi na ako susuko dahil lang sa doubts ko sa nakaraan niya… o dahil ang gaganda ng mga ex niya. I just needed to trust him because despite everything, he chose me.

Me. Not someone else.

“And if you can bring back his smile, that will be great,” she added.

I didn’t know what smile she was talking about… hindi kasi masyadong pala-ngiti si Parker. But I wanted that, too.

I wanted to give Parker everything. All the good things… quota na kasi siya sa bad things.

“Just make him happy and you have our support,” she said with her gentle smile.

“Thank you po,” I replied.

“No problem, Genesis. Oh, ayan na pala si Parker,” sabi niya kaya napa-tingin ako sa likod. Parker was dashing as ever. Kahit pa white shirt lang ang suot, ang gwapo niya pa rin.

“Auntie, do you want us to drive you home?” Parker offered.

Tita waved her hand dismissively. “No, no. I’m about to go to Preston para bisitahin si John. You two go. Hinihintay ko lang iyong driver.”

Parker said his goodbye pa bago kami nakaalis. Pagpasok namin sa sasakyan, I was finally able to breathe regularly. I didn’t notice how I was holding my breath.

“She’s… nice.”

“She’s always been nice,” Parker said habang naka-hawak ang kamay sa manibela.

“Because you’re her favorite, ’di ba?” I said and Parker shrugged. “But seriously, ang bait niya naman…”

“She’s nice, Gen. She was just mean to Nari before because Preston got hospitalized when Nari threw a pot at Preston’s head. Of course she’s a mom. It’s understandable that she got mad.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Ginawa ni Nari ’yun?!”

Parker nodded. “Yeah. Nari’s one hot-headed woman. But Preston’s one annoying guy. It’s a match made in heaven.”

Napailing na lang ako habang natatawa. Sobrang bagay lang talaga ni Nari at Preston. Kahit laging nag-aaway ’yun at hobby na yata nila magtaguan, halata naman na mahal nila ang isa’t-isa. Ayun nga at naka-triplets. Gosh, ang sipag!

“Bahala siya. Papunta pa naman ’dun si Tita,” sabi ko habang natatawa. Malamang tatawag na naman si Nari at magrereklamo dahil mate-tense na naman siya. Kaya naman pala siya tensed kapag nandun si Tita dahil guilty siya sa ginawa niyang pagbato.

Parker and I went to this food park. Doon kami kumain tapos naglakad-lakad pagkatapos. After that, we went to a coffee shop para bumili ng coffee dahil all nighter daw kami.

“Baka naman cum laude na ako pagkatapos nito,” sabi ko habang may study break kami after namin mag-aral ng two hours. Swear, malapit ko na ma-memorize by heart lahat ng batas!

“You definitely can.”

“May bagsak na kaya ako.”

“Then get a lot of uno to compensate,” he urged. Ang supportive ever! “It’s never too late to achieve.”

I smiled at him and stared dreamily. I just… really liked this guy. Hindi ko ma-explain kung bakit. Kahit na ang tahimik niya madalas. Kahit na mas madalas pa niya kaharap iyong libro niya. Kahit na kailangan ko yata ng approval ng lahat sa pamilya niya para makuha siya…

He’s just so worth it.

“Thank you,” I said again.

“For what this time?” he asked while busy highlighting.

“For existing.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied.

“Tss.” Akala ko naman magsasalita na naman siya nung pa-kilig lines niya.

I was pouting dahil nag-expect ako. Napansin ata ni Parker kaya tumigil siya sa pagha-highlight niya at saka tinignan ako.

“Why?” he asked.

“Wala.”

“Come on. What?”

“Ganon ka ba talaga? Minsan ang landi mo… tapos minsan ang seryoso mo. Hindi ko kasi matantya. May schedule ba ’yan?” I sincerely asked. Dumating kasi sa point na sobrang landi niya… tapos ngayon ang serious niya masyado.

“Do you wanna flirt right now?” seryosong tanong niya.

“Seryoso ka ba? Tinatanong mo ’yan?”

He nodded. “When it comes to you, I’m never too sure. Iba ’yung sinasabi mo sa ginagawa mo.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Kailan ’yang sinasabi mo?” He kept silent—na para bang ayaw niyang sagutin iyong tanong ko. “Kailan nga?” I urged. Ilang beses ko pa siyang pinilit bago siya finally sumagot.

“You told me you’d never leave… but you left.”

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya.

“I trusted you. When you told me you’d help me believe in love again, I risked getting hurt… and then you left. Because of the very reason why you promised you’d stay.”

Biglang parang sumikip iyong dibdib ko.

“I just don’t really understand you, Genesis. I don’t want to be spontaneous because I’m always afraid that I’d do something wrong and you’d want to leave again.”

He sounded so fucking hurt.

“And even though I always try to tell myself that I can live without you, every time I see you, I just want to talk to you. I want to give you the world. I want to protect you…”

“Parker—”

“But I still need to protect myself. From you.”

Kabanata 31

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 31 

“Okay,” I said, staring him straight in the eyes. “Do that.” He just looked at me. My gaze didn’t falter. “Do that,” I repeated. “Protect yourself.”

Parker was just looking at me, na parang tinatantya niya kung ano ang sasabihin niya. I smiled at him, and I hoped he saw that I was sincere.

“Guard yourself, your heart,” I continued.

“Gen—”

“It’s okay. Naiintindihan ko naman. At isa pa, mas gusto ko na maging maayos ka… I really just want you to be okay, Parker.” I smiled at him again. “I know it’s my fault why you feel that you need to protect yourself. But kahit naman sisihin ko iyong sarili ko, wala na akong magagawa. It already happened… The best we can do is to continue kahit na may mga nangyari na hindi maganda dati.”

He just stared at me for a while before he said, “Okay.”

I smiled. “Protect yourself,” I said.

“I will,” he replied.

“Don’t let anyone hurt you again,” I reminded him. He’d been through a lot. Kung pwede nga lang, sana palagi na lang siyang masaya sa mga susunod na araw.

He just nodded.

After a while, bumalik na naman kami sa pag-aaral. He was serious and it felt like he really meant business kaya naman sumeryoso na rin ako. Akala ko mga 11pm pa lang nung nagpasya kami pareho na tama na muna. My vision was already swirly at wala na talaga akong maintindihan.

“Shocks. Alas-tres na?!” gulat na gulat na sabi ko nung matingin ako sa phone ko.

Parker yawned. “Really?” sabi niya. Medyo mapungay na iyong mata niya. He stretched for a second and then grabbed the key on the table. “I’ll drive you home,” sabi niya ulit at saka akmang tatayo.

I sighed. Gusto ko na rin talagang matulog kaya lang naaawa naman ako sa itsura ni Parker. He looked like he’s really in dire need of sleep… At saka hindi naman niya talaga ako kailangan na tulungan dito sa pag-aaral ko pero ginagawa niya.

“Tulog ka na,” I honestly said. His eyes looked like they’re about to give up and shut close. “Uber na lang ako para safe.”

He shook his head. “It’s never safe enough,” tutol niya.

“Pero antok na antok ka na…” Ayoko naman na bigla siyang makatulog kapag pauwi na siya after niya ako ihatid. Hindi na talaga matatahimik ang pagkatao ko kapag nangyari ’yun.

“I’ll drink coffee—”

“Nakaka-tatlong cup ka na today. Baka magka-seizure ka na niyan,” worried na sabi ko. Nadadamay pa tuloy siya sa kamalasan ko.

“I’m fine, Gen. I’m a good driver—well, my dad made me promise always to be safe when I’m on the road,” sabi niya at saka napa-yawn na naman siya. Medyo basa na nga iyong mga mata niya, e. Antok na talaga.

“Bakit naman?” I asked. I always took the chance whenever Parker talks about his parents. Bihira kasi. Kaya naman kapag napapa-kwento siya tungkol sa kanila, nakikinig talaga ako.

I just wanted to know him more… beyond his books and glasses. I just wanted to know Parker in a deeper level.

“He got into an accident way before. He went into coma for a year, I think? So, he’s kinda paranoid when it comes to driving,” sabi niya.

“Oh…” May ganon palang nangyari? Bakit pansin ko lapitin sa disgrasya at trahedya ’tong pamilya ni Parker?

“And besides, I won’t let anyone happen to you.”

Natigilan ako.

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

“A-ah…” iyon na lang ang nasabi ko.

Parker stood in front of me and then placed his hand on top of my head. He ruffled my hair using his hand and then softly looked at me.

“I really don’t understand you most of the time…” he said. “But I still want to keep you by my side.”

My heart was slowly beating faster. His stares weren’t helping my case, either. Ganito kasi tumingin si Parker… parang gusto niyang tunawin iyong buong pagkatao ko hanggang sa wala ng matira sa akin.

“Sometimes, I don’t even think it’s worth trying… but every time I see you, I do that opposite of what I think is right.” He sighed. “You mess with my judgment so bad, Genesis.”

“S-sorry.”

He smiled. A little. Ang gwapo.

“It’s okay. It feels nice not to do the right thing once in a while.”

Pagkatapos nun, lumabas na kami para ihatid niya ako. Habang nagda-drive siya, at saka ko lang napansin na safe nga siya magdrive. I mean, sakto lang ’yung sa speed niya. Hindi rin siya nakikipagkarera kahit minsan, obvious naman na hinahamon siya nung mga nakakasabay namin na sasakyan.

Daddy’s boy pala ’to.

Nang makarating kami sa apartment ko, I looked at Parker’s face. He still looked like he’d fall asleep any second now.

“You wanna eat first?” I asked him. “Kumakain ka ba ng cup noodles?” tanong ko.

He shrugged. “Sure,” sabi niya.

“Gusto mong pumasok?” tanong ko.

Naka-tingin siya na nagtataka. “Really?” he asked.

“Ha? Bakit?”

“You live alone, right?” tanong niya. I nodded. “I can’t come in. It won’t look good for you.”

“Ha? E pumupunta naman ako sa bahay mo…” naguguluhan na tanong ko.

“It’s different.”

“Paano?”

“There are guards…”

“So?”

“I can’t do anything. You can shout if you feel threatened—”

Natawa ako. “Threatened? Sa ’yo? Seryoso ka ba?”

Alam ko mukhang seryoso si Parker pero hindi naman siya iyong tipo na nananakit ng tao. Kahit nga nung galit na galit siya sa akin dahil out of the blue ako nakipagbreak, kalmado pa rin siya kahit galit na. And he just didn’t seem like the type to hit girls…

“What? I’m still a guy!” napataas iyong boses na sabi niya.

I arched my brow. “Really? So tuwing kasama mo ako sa bahay mo, may naiisip ka?”

Parker faced me. “Seriously?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. Seriously. Ano? May naiisip ka?”

His face turned serious. I felt something.

“Yes. Things. I think of things whenever I’m with you.”

Napa-lunok ako. “W-what kind of things?”

“Curious, aren’t we?” he said, his voice starting to get mischievous.

I cocked my head. “Yes, I’m very much curious. Satisfy my curiosity.”

Akala ko ay magsasalita siya pero imbes na sumagot, he took a step forward. Nabigla ako kaya napaatras ako.

“What? Scared?” tanong niya sa akin.

Umiling ako. “H-hindi, ah.”

“Really?” he asked again.

“N-no,” matapang na sagot ko. Humakbang na naman siya. Napaatras na naman ako. Damn it! Bwisit na paa ’to, bakit automatic na umaatras?!

Parker chuckled. “Cute,” he said.

“I’m not cute!”

“But you are,” he said and then patted my head. “Small and cute. You’re like a keychain.”

Kasalanan ko ba na maliit ako?! Ininom ko naman lahat ng dapat inumin. Tumalon ako tuwing New Year’s eve! Ganito lang talaga ang height ko!

“Ewan ko sa ’yo,” I said and then about to walk away when he grabbed my arm.

“Aalis ka na?” nabigla niyang tanong.

I nodded. “Mukhang hindi ka na antok. Pwede ka na magdrive,” I said. Tss. Cute. Parang keychain.

“Galit ka?”

“Hindi.”

“I thought no more lying?”

I sighed and faced him. “Fine. I’m annoyed… a bit.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to see me as cute…” Nakakunot pa rin ang noo niya. Sobrang dense naman nito! Naapektuhan na yata ng libro iyong pag-iisip!

“But you’re cute…”

“Ewan ko talaga sa ’yo!” sabi ko at saka mabilis na naglakad palayo. Kinuha ko na iyong susi ng apartment mula sa bag ko. Bubuksan ko na sana iyong pintuan nung maramdaman ko na naman iyong kamay ni Parker sa siko ko.

“Hey,” he said. “I won’t call you cute again.”

“Okay. Uwi ka na.”

“I thought you’re offering a cup of noodles?”

I faced him and arched my brow. “Akala ko panget tignan kasi babae ako?”

“Fuck what others think,” sabi niya at saka siya ang nagbukas ng pintuan. “Give me my cup noodles.”

Siraulo talaga. Best friend talaga sila ni Preston.

---

The next day, Parker forced me to stay at home and rest. Sabi niya kasi, hindi pwede na araw-araw diretso ako nag-aaral kasi masstress daw ako mentally. Once in a while daw, kailangan ko magpahinga at magrelax. At dahil masunurin akong tao—at naiinis ako sa kanya ng konti—sumunod ako.

“Grabe, mukha kang…” sabi ko kay Nari nung binisita ko siya.

“Balyena? I know!” naiiyak na sabi niya. “Ang pangit-pangit ko na ba?”

Nataranta ako dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot. First time ko magkaroon ng kaibigan na buntis! At hindi lang basta buntis, triplets pa! Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagot na hindi ko masasaktan ang feelings niya.

“Nari—oh, bakit umiiyak ka na naman?” sabi ni Preston at saka naupo sa kama at hinawakan iyong kamay ni Nari.

“Ang taba-taba ko na kasi!” sabi niya at saka sinuntok—yes, totoong suntok—si Preston. “Bwisit ka! Dapat ikaw na lang nabubuntis! Bakit ako?!”

Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako sa kanilang dalawa. Kapag bored na ako sa drama sa buhay ko, pinupuntahan ko lang ’tong dalawa na ’to kasi nakakatawa lang talaga sila kahit nag-aaway na.

“Mawawala ’yung abs ko kapag nabuntis ako. Ayaw mo nun, ’di ba?” sabi ni Preston. Parang bata ang kausap. “Don’t worry, maganda ka pa rin sa paningin ko.”

Nari sniffed. “Last na talaga ’to. Ayoko na mabuntis after nito.”

Preston laughed. “Sure, Nari. Sure.”

“Hindi na nga talaga!”

May binulong si Preston kay Nari tapos namula at nanlaki ang mga mata ni Nari. Ang landi ng dalawa na ’to. Mas lalo lang ako nafu-frustrate. Lumabas muna ako sandali at nung pagbalik ko, salamat at wala na si Preston.

“Bakit ka umalis?” Nari asked. She was just resting. Sabi kasi nung doctor inya, ’wag na siya muna maglakad-lakad dahil medyo mabigat na talaga ’yung tiyan niya. Palagi na nga siyang nagrereklamo na masakit ang likod, e.

“Naglalandian pa kayo ni Preston, e.”

“Hala, affected ka?” sabi niya. Okay na ulit siya. Ang weird talaga ng mga buntis. Sobrang bilis magbago ng mood nila.

“Hindi naman…” I said and then sighed.

“Weh? Ano nga? Kwento ka naman. Bored na bored na ako rito,” sabi niya sabay kain nung bowl of fruits na nasa tabi niya. Buhay reyna talaga ’to kay Preston, e.

Dahil sobrang kulit ni Nari, napa-kwento na ako. “Kasi… okay na ulit kami ni Parker. Medyo ilang weeks na rin. Tapos puro aral lang kami…”

Nari arched her brows. “Oh? Ano’ng problema mo dun? ’Di ba iyak-iyak ka pa nung bagsak ka? Tinutulungan ka na ni Parker, ano’ng problema mo?” mataray na sabi niya. Kundi lang talaga ’to buntis.

“Hindi kasi. I mean, masaya ako na tinutulungan niya ako sa acads… pero gets? Puro acads na lang ba kami?”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Nari at natawa. “Gusto mong magperform si Parker?”

“Ano’ng perform?” naguguluhan na sabi ko.

“Sex, gaga! Virgin ka ba? Feelingera nito,” sabi niya. Gosh, ’di ko talaga ma-gets si Nari. Parang nagbago siya nung nabuntis. Mas wild na siya magsalita.

“Fine. Sex. Pero hindi naman sex! I mean kahit kiss lang… wala talaga. Puro aral lang kami.” I sighed. “Baka hindi talaga siya attracted sa akin… o baka naman—”

“Gaga, hindi virgin si Parker.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “W-what?”

“Narinig ko lang. Kung anu-ano kasi pinag-uusapan nila ni Preston kapag nandito sila, e.”

“So… hindi lang talaga siya attracted? Ganon?”

“Attracted ’yan. Nilandi mo na ba?” she asked. I shook my head. “Ayain mo uminom. Tapos kunwari lasing ka na,” Nari suggested. She’s freaking weird! “Tapos make sure na performance level talaga!”

Hanggang sa makaalis ako sa bahay nila Nari, hindi niya ako tinigilan. She’s scary! Kung anu-ano ang lumalabas sa bibig niya. At nung pauwi na sana ako, nagulat ako dahil nakasalubong ko si Parker.

“Nandito ka rin?” I asked.

“Yeah. Nari texted me. Pauwi ka na raw kaya sunduin kita.”

That sneaky pregnant lady. Masama talaga sa kanya mabuntis. Nagiging triple iyong sira sa ulo.

“A-ah,” I answered. I couldn’t even look Parker in the face kasi naiisip ko iyong mga nasabi ni Nari! She told me dirty dirty things! Kahit may experience na ako, na-eskandalo pa rin ako sa mga sinabi niya.

Hanggang sa makasakay ako sa sasakyan ni Parker, bothered pa rin ako sa mga sinabi ni Nari. Napansin yata ni Parker kasi nang nasa harap na kami ng apartment ko, he asked me, “What’s wrong?”

I looked him. I gathered courage and asked, “Aren’t you attracted to me?”

It seemed like I had taken him aback. Napatahimik siya sandali. “Why do you ask?”

“You haven’t kissed me since we became okay again,” I said although my chest felt like exploding already. I didn’t want to ask… I needed to ask.

“That’s what’s bothering you?” he asked.

“I’m not bothered… more like concerned,” paliwanag ko. “Kasi baka binalikan mo lang ako kasi naaawa ka dahil bagsak ako. ’Di ba nung araw na naging okay tayo, iyon ’yung umiiyak ako kasi—”

“I’m attracted to you. So fucking much,” he said, boring a hole in me. “But I can’t kiss you yet.”

“Why?” I asked, breathless.

“Because if I kiss you… I won’t hold back,” he said and then caressed my cheek with his thumb. “And you can’t afford distractions right now, Gen.”

My chest was heaving. God, this guy!

“B-but I can multi-task…” parang bata na inagawan ng candy na sagot ko.

“Focus on your—”

But God, I wasn’t the most patient person in the world. I grabbed him and kissed him. I was hot and bothered—and a little creeped out by everything Nari told me. Bahala na.

Kabanata 32

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 32 

I felt Parker stiffened, but that didn’t stop me from kissing him. My hands were all over him. I just… really, really wanted him.

Really wanted to know if he wanted me, too.

“Gen—” he said, his voice sounded like he was tempted, but something was stopping him.

“Don’t stop,” I told him. I was looking him in the eye. I needed him to know that I wouldn’t stop him… kung anuman ang gusto niyang mangyari. “You said that if you kiss me, you won’t be able to stop…” My chest was heaving and I was breathing heavily. “Then don’t stop, Parker.”

Naka-tingin ako sa kanya, hinihintay ang sasabihin niya. My heart was pounding so loud inside my chest… God, I fucking sounded so desperate.

Ilang segundo ang lumipas pa. Wala akong narinig mula sa kanya… maliban sa tunog ng puso ko na unti-unting nababasag. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng tinanggihan. Ang sakit-sakit pala. Akala ko masakit na iyong mga napagdaanan ko sa buhay… Iyong niloko ako, bumagsak… pero iba pa rin pala iyong sakit na kayang ibigay sa akin ni Parker.

I couldn’t move. I just felt like anything I do would make him see me as even more desperate. Because here I was, throwing myself at him pero ni hindi man lang niya magawang tumingin sa gawi ko.

Mabilis kong binuksan iyong pintuan ng sasakyan niya at saka naglakad palabas. I knew I promised myself that I’d always try to understand him… to prioritize him kasi nasaktan ko na siya… but God, this sucked big time.

My hearts were shaking and I couldn’t bring myself to open the door. At nang tuluyan ko nang mabuksan, bigla kong narinig iyong yabag ni Parker mula sa likuran ko. My entire system went into panic. Mabilis akong pumasok at akmang isasara ko na ang pinto nung maharang niya ang kamay niya.

“Shit!” he cursed nang maipit iyon sa pagitan ng pinto.

Nagulat ako pero hindi ko nagawang buksan iyong pinto. I just widened it enough para maalis niya iyong kamay niya. “Just go home, Parker,” hirap na sabi ko.

“No,” matigas niyang sabi. “Open the door.”

“No,” I stubbornly replied. I used my full force para mapanatili na sarado iyong pinto. I didn’t think I had enough shame to face him again! I was so desperate that I should’ve just stripped naked in front of him! Nakakahiya ako!

“Then move away from the door,” he said.

“What?”

“I’m gonna break this door down.”

“Parker!”

“I won’t go home unless you talk to me,” he stubbornly said, too. “It’s your choice, Genesis. Either you let me in or watch me break your door,” seryoso na sabi niya. I knew he’d follow through his threat. Kasi kahit naman libro ang palaging kausap ni Parker, alam ko na sa tuwing gumigising siya, he always made an effort to run on his treadmill and do push ups. Kaya nga even though he’s a nerd, he’s a hot nerd.

Unti-unti kong niluwagan iyong pinto at saka mabilis na nasa harapan ko na si Parker.

“Wag mo nga akong tignan,” I said. He kept on staring. Tinakpan ng kamay ko iyong mukha ko pero mabilis niya iyong tinanggal. “Ano ba?” naiinis na sabi ko.

“Talk to me. Look at me,” he said.

I pursed my lips. I didn’t even have words to describe the shame I was feeling… sobrang nakakahiya. Na parang gusto ko na lang lumubog sa lupa kaysa sa tignan siya sa mata.

“Genesis,” he continued, his voice was stern. “Look at me,” he demanded.

Hindi pa rin ako gumalaw. Parker took a step forward. Nahigit ko ang hininga ko.

“Look at me,” he repeated. He held my chin and made me face him. My eyes diverted. “You’re still so stubborn.”

I tried to slap his hand from holding me pero nahawakan niya iyong kamay ko. Hindi na ako makagalaw. I was forced to look at him.

“Bitawan mo nga ako.”

“Not until you look at me and talk to me.”

I gritted my teeth. “Bukas na lang…” nanghihina na sabi ko. I was just really, really ashamed of how I looked earlier.

“Bakit bukas pa? I’m here. Right now,” he argued. Why the fuck was I dating a lawyer? Wala akong kawala. Wala akong panalo. He always find a way to twist my words and the situation in his favor!

“Gen..” Biglang lumambing ang boses niya. “Please. Talk to me. I really don’t know how to deal with you. I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing and I always end up upsetting you.”

“It’s not…” I trailed off, didn’t have the right words to phrase what I was feeling. “It’s not your fault.”

“Then what?”

“I just… don’t know how to face you. Nahihiya ako. I just threw myself at you.” My chest tightened even more. Fuck. “And you rejected me.”

Rejection.

I hate this word.

Sometimes, I wondered how many rejections do I need to receive bago maging quota na? Kasi ang dami na… sunud-sunod na… baka kasi kapag may sumunod pa, hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupulutin.

Biglang lumuwag iyong hawak sa akin ni Parker.

Biglang nangilid iyong luha ko.

“I’m sorry if I came out too desperate,” I said, my voice shaking. Pinipilit ko na maging kalmado pero tuluy-tuloy lang iyong bagsak ng luha ko. “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again—”

But even before I could finish what I was saying, Parker’s lips were on mine. Biglang bumilis na naman ang tibok ng puso ko.

“I’m sorry,” he kept on repeating and planting kisses on my lips. “God, I’m sorry, Gen.”

He held my face and pulled me close. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Parker—”

“I thought I was helping you by not distracting you. I didn’t know that I made you feel desperate.”

“Parker—”

“I just… don’t want to make the same mistake twice. You said that we both started this relationship early. That we don’t know each other that much yet… I was just taking time… pero kung ganito—”

He looked so pained.

He sounded so pained.

Do you broken souls complete each other?

Or do we end up ruining each other more?

I didn’t have words.

I didn’t have answers.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Parker looked like he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to do with me while I was crying.

“Genesis, I’m sorry… You’re not desperate,” he said, planting kisses on my lips. When I sobbed, I opened my lips and Parker took the initiative to dip his tongue inside my mouth.

“Parker—”

But my question was lost when he pushed me against the wall. His lips were moving and proding me to do the same. Pakiramdam ko ay malulunod ako sa paraan ng paghalik niya sa akin.

And when his lips left mine, he began kissing my neck. His hands were all over me—caressing my arm and inside my shirt. He was holding the side of my waist and caressing me using his thumb.

I was drowning in the sensation. Shit.

“I thought—”

Parker stopped kissing my neck, but his head was still resting on the crook of my neck. “No more thinking,” he breathed. “I don’t wanna think anymore.”

“What—”

And then he pressed himself against me. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“No more thinking, Genesis. No more being considerate about your grades,” he said, pressing himself harder. God, he was… hard. “You said you’re a multi-tasker?” sabi niya.

“Y-yes,” I answered.

“Then do your studies. And do me,” sabi niya at saka mabilis na hinalikan na naman ako.

His lips were unforgiving. Pakiramdam ko ay masusugatan iyong labi ko dahil sa paraan ng paghalik niya sa akin. His tongue were invading my mouth and all I could do was moan his name.

Moaning.

Fucking moaning.

Shit.

Parker was kissing my while his hand was undoing my bra. And when he cupped my breast, I gasped. Oh, my god…

“Fuck,” I muttered when he flicked my nipples using his thumb.

“Not yet,” Gen,“ he whispered and then pulled my shirt up. My breathing became even more ragged when I felt his lips enclosing my nipples.

I bit my lower lip and held his head in place. Sobrang lalim ng paghinga ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong dapat maramdaman. I was feeling everything all at once. I was feeling Parker sucking me and massaging my brests, while his other hand was busy unbuttoning my pants.

“I fucking hate pants,” he said when his mouth left my breast. My head was all over the place. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Tuwing kasama ko si Parker, pakiramdam ko ay nasa roller coaster ako.

Things changed.

So fast that I couldn’t keep up.

All I heard was him cursing my pants. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko ng bigla siyang lumuhod sa harapan ko. My breathing became heavier, if that was even possible.

Mabilis niyang binuksan iyong butones ng pantalon ko at saka hinubad iyon. He was still kneeling in front of me. God, my heart was about to jump off of my chest.

I pulled him up.

“Why?” he asked, his eyes were dark.

“I’m just…” I trailed, unable to find the right words.

Akala ko ay hihintayin niya akong magsalita pero nagulat ako nung maramdaman ko iyong kamay niya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“I told you there’s no stopping once I begin,” he said, his fingers tracing the center of my thighs. His eyes were still on me while his fingers were making me lose my sanity. “Is this what you want?” he asked me.

Hind ako makasagot. My mind wasn’t functioning with him doing that to me.

“Is this?” he asked again. My lips parted. “Answer me,” he said, pinching my clit. He was rubbing me so bad that I never wanted him to stop.

“Y-yes,” I answered.

“How about this?” he asked again and then I felt him thrusting his fingers inside. “Does it feel good, Genesis?” tanong niya. My lips parted when he began to thrust faster. His fingers were unforgiving. Pabilis nang pabilis. Palalim nang palalim. Ang tanging nagawa ko na lang ay isandal ang ulo ko sa balikat ni Parker.

He kept on finger-fucking me.

He kept on massaging my clit with his thumb.

Fuck.

My eyes were blurry when I felt myself getting over the edge. Sobrang lalim ng paghinga ko. Akala ko ay tapos na pero nagulat ako nang bigla akong buhatin ni Parker.

“Your room?” he asked. Wala na akong lakas. I just pointed at my room. I was still feeling light headed from all the sensation he made me feel. Nakayakap ang mga kamay ko sa leeg niya habang naglalakad siya. Hindi ko namalayan na nasa loob na pala kami ng kwarto. I just felt him putting me on the bed.

A second didn’t even pass when he began to kiss me again. I thought he was going to kiss my lips when I noticed that his kisses were going further down.

“Oh, my god,” I gasped when I felt his lips on my core. He was fucking French kissing me down there! Hindi ko na alam kung saan ko ibabaling iyong ulo ko. He parted my legs even wider and I felt his fingers inside me again. Shit! I didn’t know this was what I had been missing all these time!

My hands were on his head. I was pushing him. I didn’t want him to stop.

“Shit,” I uttered over and over again. His tongue was lashing against my clit and his fingers were pumping vigorously. Hindi siya tumigil sa ginagawa niya hanggang sa maramdaman ko na naman iyon…

I was breathing hard.

Twice.

“Fuck,” he suddenly said.

“W-why?” sabi ko kahit na mabigat pa rin ang paghinga ko.

“I don’t have a condom.”

“H-ha?”

“I didn’t know that tonight’s gonna be the night,” he said and then ran his fingers through his hair. Fuck. He looked so fucking sexy. “Stupid,” bulong niya sa sarili niya.

My lips parted. “Seriously?”

“Well, I don’t walk around thinking that I’m always going to have sex,” he sarcastically said. He was busy castigating himself that he didn’t notice me standing up and coming to him. My knees felt wobbly. Damn him for making me come twice.

I pushed him down the bed. Nagulat siya. I was about to straddle him when he stopped me. “Don’t,” he said, sounding so pained.

“Just pull out before you come,” I said. I just couldn’t let him not come.

“It’s not always effective,” he argued.

“I thought no more thinking tonight?” tanong ko sa kanya.

He looked pained and confused all at once. “Gen…”

He sounded like he really didn’t want to do it without those fucking condoms. I sighed and then kneeled in front of him. I unbuckled his belt and looked at him. “Next time, always be ready,” I said and then went down on him.

Kabanata 33

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 33 

I woke up feeling sore all over. I couldn’t feel my legs. And I couldn’t move. Parker’s limbs were entangled with mine. And he was sleeping like a kid.

I sighed and looked at the clock. It was already afternoon.

“Hala,” I unconsciously said. Hindi ko napansin na napalakas pala iyong pagkakasabi ko dahil biglang nagising si Parker as tabi ko.

“What?” he asked, his voice raspy. His eyes were still adjusting to the light at pipikit-pikit pa.

“Hapon na…”

“So?” he asked and pulled me back with him.

“May gagawin pa ako. Mag-aaral pa ako, ’di ba?” I said in panic. For the past month, my body and mind was attuned to this schedule. Araw-araw kasi ay may pinapagawa at pinapa-sagutan sa akin si Parker. He said it’s important for me to develop a habit of studying for certain hours a day para kapag pasukan na, hindi ako mahirapan sa mahabang panahon na nag-aaral ako.

Sinubukan ko na kumawala sa kanya pero ayaw niya akong pakawalan.

“Parker…” I said. “Seriously, may sasagutan pa ako.”

My head was already panicking. Naiiisip ko pa lang lahat ng libro na babasahin ko, parang mas lalo lang sumasakit ang ulo ko. I tried standing up again pero hinila lang ulit ako ni Parker pababa.

“Seriously?”

He nodded while his head was resting between the crook of my neck. “Five more minutes,” he whispered.

“Fine. Five minutes lang,” I said pero hindi ko alam kung narinig niya ba ako dahil naka-pikit na naman ang mga mata niya. I stared at Parker’s sleeping face. He looked so… innocent. It’s weird. Parker’s nowhere near being innocent! Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa niya kagabi!

He’s just… God. I couldn’t even think about it without my blushing! Who knew that this guy—itong lalaki na malakas makapang-snob na tipong umaabot ng buwan—was this wild in bed?

“Hey,” I said. “Your five minute’s over,” bulong ko habang marahan na tinatapik iyong pisngi niya. He just mumbled some incoherent words. I grabbed the opportunity and quickly got out of the bed. I picked up my clothes and frowned when I noticed the rip in my shirt.

“Ano’ng ngini-ngiti mo dyan?” I asked when I noticed that he was grinning. He shrugged. I glared at him… and then I noticed that I was actually naked. This pervert. Lahat ng kamanyakan sa katawan ni Parker, lumalabas. Ilang buwan niya ba ’tong inipon?

“Sorry about your shirt,” he said when he noticed that I was really frowning. Favorite shirt ko ’to, e!

“Pwede mo naman kasi sabihin na hubarin ko. Bakit kailangang sirain?”

“For effect,” he replied.

Binato ko sa kanya ’yung shirt ko. “Effect mo mukha mo. Feeling mo ba nasa porn tayong dalawa? Effect-effect ka dyan,” I said while sadly looking at my shirt. Ito kasi ’yung unang shirt na binili ko nung nagka-trabaho ako. Lahat kasi nung sweldo ko dati, diretso sa tuition ko tapos sa ibang binabayaran. Sobrang sentimental lang talaga ako sa mga nabibili ko kasi alam ko na mahirap kumita ng pera.

“I’ll just buy you a new one,” he said and then stood up.

Pinulot ko iyong boxers niya at saka inabot sa kanya. “Look decent, please.”

“Really?” he asked, cocking his head. “I think we’re already past being decent, Genesis.”

Bigla na namang namula iyong mukha ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Parker laughed and then wore his boxers. Tumayo siya at saka ginulo na naman iyong buhok ko. Ang hilig niyang gawin ’yun. Palibasa ang liit ko kaya ginagawa niyang armrest iyong ulo ko.

I wore an old shirt while Parker was just in his boxers. Lumabas kaming dalawa at naghanap ako ng kakainin namin. I was reaching for the cupboard nung maramdaman ko si Parker sa likod ko.

“Thank you,” I said nung inabot niya iyong kukunin ko.

“Let’s go to the mall,” he said when he noticed that the cupboard was practically empty. Wala na kasi talaga akong time. May work, nag-aaral. Minsan nga nalilimutan ko na kumain, e.

“Mag-aaral pa ako,” I replied.

“Just for an hour?”

Hinarap ko siya at saka umiling. “Punta na lang ako doon kapag may time. At saka may delivery naman—”

“Kaya ka hindi lumalaki kasi puro delivery kinakain mo,” he cut off.

“Ang issue mo talaga sa height ko, no?”

Instead of answering, Parker lifted me up hanggang sa mapaupo ako sa kitchen sink. I almost squealed dahil nagulat ako. He parted my legs and stood in between. And when he’s about to lean in, I covered his face with my hand.

“Ang aga-aga pa,” I said. He pressed himself and I felt the tent. God, this guy!

“What? Is there a proper time for sex?”

“Meron. After breakfast,” I answered honestly. Sobrang napagod ako kagabi pati ’yung jaws ko.

Parker rolled his eyes. Arte. “But you don’t have food in here,” he argued. I pressed my lips. May point siya. At bago pa man ako makahanap ng maisasagot sa kanya, he lifted me and then went to the bedroom.

“Oh, my god, ang tigang mo masyado!” sabi ko habang naglalakad siya.

“Crazy. I’m going to wear clothes and we’re going to buy you food.”

Pumasok kami ni Parker sa kwarto at saka siya nagsuot ng damit niya kagabi. Lukut-lukot iyong shirt niya. Aba, e kung saan ba naman ibato!

I didn’t even bother to untie my ponytail and just brushed my teeth. At dahil wala namang toothbrush si Parker dito, akala ko e magma-mouthwash lang siya.

“San mo nakuha ’yan?” I asked when he came back with a toothbrush.

“Car,” he replied.

“May toothbrush ka sa car?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Sometimes, I can’t go home. I have clothes and other stuff in my car,” sabi niya. Bigla naman akong nakaramdam ng awa. He’s just… so alone. Kahit pa sabi niya may mga pinsan naman siya dito tapos nandyan din naman sila Preston na practically e pamilya niya na… Iba pa rin kasi iyong may sarili kang pamilya.

I hugged him from his side. “What?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Wala. Gusto lang kitang yakapin.”

He shrugged and then kissed the side of my head.

After fixing ourselves, lumabas na kami. Ewan ko kung paranoid ako dahil feeling ko ija-judge kami ng mga kapitbahay ko. Manipis pa naman ang pader!

“What are you doing?” Parker asked when he noticed that I was walking like a ninja.

“Wala,” I dismissed. Wala namang masyadong tao kaya naman naka-hinga ako nang maluwag nung makaabot na kami sa sasakyan niya. Pagdating namin sa mall, sa restaurant agad ako dinala ni Parker.

“Buffet? Hindi naman ako malakas kumain…” I said when we’re about to enter.

“I feel like after everything you did last night, you deserve a buffet.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Parker!”

He laughed and then wrapped his arm on my shoulders. “Kidding. But where do you want to eat?” tanong niya.

Pumunta kami ni Parker sa all-day breakfast restaurant. Umorder ako tapos si Parker, coffee lang ang binili.

“Coffee lang sa ’yo?”

He nodded. “I don’t eat breakfast.”

“Weh? E bakit kumakain ka naman—”

“Only when I’m with you,” he cut me off. I pursed my lips. Damn Parker Adrian Palma. Quota na ako in all aspects simula kahapon.

I forced Parker to order kahit toast man lang. When our food arrived, sinimulang ko na kainin iyong pancake at sausage. My brows furrowed when I noticed Parker watching me intently.

“What?” I asked while eating the sausage.

Parker’s face was slowly turning pink. “Nothing.”

“Weirdo,” I replied. Habang kumakain ako, naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. “Ano bang meron?” I asked because he really was just watching me! Ni hindi niya nga nagalaw iyong coffee niya.

“I just remembered something,” sabi niya.

“Habang kumakain ako—” My eyes widened. “You fucking pervert!”

Biglang nag-iwas siya ng tingin. Bwisit na ’to! Lahat na lang ng bagay nagagawa niyang i-connect sa kabastusan!

Ni hindi ko na magawang tapusin na kainin iyong pagkain ko dahil baka kung ano na naman ang maisip ni Parker. He’s really something, that guy! Kung dati, akala ko 90% law related things tapos 10% miscellaneous iyong laman ng utak niya, ngayon feeling ko ay 50% sex, 40% law, tapos 10% for other stuff.

Pagkatapos naming kumain, pumunta kami sa grocery. Parker got a big cart.

“Pang small cart lang ang budget ko,” I said while mentally calculating the amount I had in my debit card.

“I’ll pay,” sabi niya.

I shook my head. “No,” I strongly replied.

“Why not?” he asked.

“May pera naman ako.”

“I know. But I’m your boyfriend. I’m allowed to buy you things,” he argued.

“Pero—”

He cut me off again. He had this bad habit of cutting me off when I speak. “No buts, Genesis. I’ll buy you food, I’ll buy you clothes, I’ll buy you books. Don’t stop me because you can’t.”

“You’re a brat.”

He shrugged. “I’m your brat,” he said and then later on whispered, “Fuck. That sounded weird,” sabi niya habang naglalakad at tulak-tulak iyong cart.

Habang naglalakad siya, kumukuha ako ng mga sa tingin ko ay kailangan ko. While Parker? He just threw things in the cart. Parang bata.

“Hindi ko naman kailangan ’to,” sabi ko habang binabalik ko sa cart iyong box ng disposable paper plates. Isa-isa kong binabalik iyong mga hindi naman importante tapos napa-kunot ang noo ko nung mapansin ko iyong mga bagay sa ilalim nung cart.

“You just have to say thank you kung sobrang appreciated mo,” I said while looking at hotdogs, cucumbers, eggplants, at kung anu-ano pa na nasa ilalim ng cart.

Parker shrugged. Seriously, this guy. He’s just being weirder and weirder.

Nang makarating kami sa counter, Parker gave me his card. I was about to argue when he put it in my hands. I sighed. I knew I wouldn’t win against him. He’s like the representative of the debate team tuwing may laban.

Nang matapos na ako sa pagbabayad, hinanap ko si Parker at nakita ko siya na nakatayo doon sa harap ng pharmacy sa supermarket. I pushed the cart papunta doon at bakit nga ba ako nagulat?

In front of him, different boxes of condoms were laid. It seemed like he was in a deep conversation with the pharmacy guy dahil seryoso silang nag-uusap. At nang lumapit pa ako, mas lalo lang akong napailing sa narinig ko.

“This one?” Parker said.

“Yeah. Best seller.”

Parker nodded. “Hmmm.”

“First time mo ba?” tanong nung lalaki.

“No. But it’s been so long… I wonder if they already changed the rules,” he candidly replied. He’s so fucking blunt when it comes to this topic!

“It’s still the same,” sabi nung lalaki. “Ito na ba?”

Parker nodded. “Yeah. Give me ten.”

“Pieces?”

“Boxes,” Parker replied. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at biglang nanghina iyong legs ko.

Parker paid for his purchase at nung tumalikod siya, nakita niya ako. “You done?” he asked. I slowly nodded, still feeling a little scared for myself. “Good. Let’s go home,” he said and then pushed the cart himself.

“S-sa apartment ko?”

He nodded, reached for my hand, and enclosed it with his. “Yeah.” And he smiled. God, I loved that smile.

Kabanata 34

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 34 

The moment Parker pulled over, it’s almost he’s skipping with joy. Ako naman, takip ng mukha dahil marami na kaming kapit-bahay. Tapos syempre nakiki-chismis sila. May kasama ako na obviously anak-mayaman, e. Magulat na lang din kasi ako tanungin nila ako about sa concert na naganap kagabi. Buti na lang hindi kami close kaya wala silang karapatan na tanungin ako.

I was about to arrange the food in the cupboard nung maramdaman ko na yakap ako ni Parker mula sa likuran.

“Seriously?” I asked when I felt him pressing himself against me. “Aba, kalma-kalma lang, Parker.”

“Can’t,” he replied, his hands snaking their way inside my jeans. At dahil naka-suot ako ng skinny jeans, hirap na hirap siyang ipasok iyong malaki niyang kamay. “I’ll burn all your jeans.”

“Grabe ka! Maninira ng damit!” sabi ko. Hindi pa nga ako fully recovered sa ginawa niya sa favorite shirt ko, e. I pushed him away from me and then willingly undressed myself. “See? Pwede na walang nasisirang damit.”

Parker slowly shook his head and smiled. “God, you’re so funny,” he said and then pulled me. I was just in my shirt and underwear and he was hugging me so tight. “Don’t leave me,” he whispered.

I clung on to his shirt. “No. I’ll stay. I promise.”

We hugged for a while before Parker lifted me up at saka pinaupo niya ako sa kitchen sink. I was starting to think that Parker’s a frustrated porno star. He just did all those things na feeling ko sa porn lang ginagawa.

And now? Sa kitchen sink. Saan ang susunod? Sa backseat ng sasakyan niya? Sa sahig? Sa hagdan? Sa classroom?

Parker began kissing me while his hands were slowly taking my panties off. I couldn’t even say a word because his kiss was enough to drown me and render me speechless. And when he finally took my underwear off, I felt his fingers again.

“Ayoko na sa fingers…” I managed to moan in between kisses.

“What do you want?” he asked, massaging my clit.

“Your dick, you ass,” I said and then quickly unbuttoned his pants. Parker was watching me as I fumbled with his pants. “God, I hate pants, too,” I said and then he laughed. After a while, nagawa ko na ring tanggalin iyong pantalon niya. I reached for the box of condoms that he bought.

“You know how to put?” he asked, his eyes darkly watching me.

I nodded. “But please don’t ask me why. I don’t want you to get all moody again,” sabi ko.

Parker sighed. “Fine. Although I already know why.”

I smiled and then cupped his face. “It’s been a year since I last did it with… him. Feeling ko virgin na ulit ako,” I said and that made him smile a little.

Parker cupped my face and kissed me. “You don’t have to explain yourself, Gen. I like you. So much.”

I smiled back. “I like you, too. So much din.”

Parker began kissing my neck and his fingers began touching me down there. Hindi ako makapagconcentrate na buksan iyong condom. He’s making me feel everything all at once!

“W-wait lang,” I said when I finally managed to open the fucking condom. But Parker didn’t stop. He kept on kissing and thrusting his fingers kahit sinabi ko na na sawa na ako sa fingers niya. Kagabi pa siya, e. He really didn’t use his dick because he didn’t have condoms with him last night.

“Oh, my god,” I said when he hit a spot.

“Am I better?” he asked while pumping his fingers.

“H-ha?” I asked back, still delirious from what he was doing. I unconsciously spread my legs wider. Oh, my god.

“Am I better than your ex? Am I a better fuck?” he asked while pumping his fucking fingers and massaging my clit with his thumb.

“W-what?” I asked again. I couldn’t think straight. All I thought about was I was already feeling crazy and it’s just his finger! Baka ikamatay ko na kapag ’yung isa na ’yung ginamit niya.

“Am I a better fuck than your fucking ex?” he said and then pumped harder. His other hand was on my breast, his fingers twisting my nipples.

“Y-yes,” I moaned. Napakapit ako sa balikat niya dahil hindi ko na talaga kaya. Nabitawan ko iyong condom dahil nababaliw na talaga ako kay Parker.

“Really? Because I’m competitive, Gen. I have to know that I’m the best fuck you’ll ever have.”

He kept on fucking me using his fingers until I couldn’t hold on anymore. I just fucking came all over my kitchen sink. Great. Ngayon kailangan ko linisin ito nang mabuti.

When I finished, I was breathing raggedly. I faced Parker.

“I think… Tristan’s still a better fuck,” I said. His face went grim. I wanted to laugh, but I stopped myself. I just wanted to know kung hanggang saan aabot ang pagiging pornstar aspirant niya.

I shrieked when Parker picked me up and put me on his shoulders. I was being lifted upside down and I had no qualms because I was face to face with his ass. I wanted to say hi, it’s been long pero tawang-tawa ako dahil ang competitive ni Parker.

Dahil naka-baliktad ako, hindi ko alam kung saan niya ako dinala. Medyo nahilo ako tapos napansin ko na nasa kwarto na naman kami. Parker put me on the bed and he was still looking at me grimly.

“I really want our first time to be vanilla and all that shit,” he said and then he removed his shirt. He pulled the shirt from the neckhole using just one hand. Damn if that wasn’t so sexy. “But you’re stepping on my pride, Genesis.”

Napa-lunok ako nung lumapit siya. “M-magaling ka r-rin naman.”

“But not better than your ex?”

Damn. Nagsisisi na ako. Bakit ko ba sinabi ’yun?“

My lips parted and I was yet to come with a good answer when Parker flipped me over. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. He held me by my hips and I felt his thing poking me.

“Let’s do vanilla after this,” he said, his thing teasing me.

“I’m sorry na! Mas magaling ka na kay—” But I didn’t finish what I was trying to say because he thrusted in without giving so much notice! Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi ko. I felt stretched and oh, my god. Definitely better than his fingers!

Parker held my hips in place while he was pumping vigorously. The only thing I could do was to breathe, because he was seriously taking my breath away.

“Oh shit,” I kept on moaning. He wasn’t going to stop. “P-parker…”

“What?” he said, his voice was very serious.

“Y-yung kama ko,” I said. By the way he’s doing, I felt like my bed frame was about to give up.

“Seriously?” he asked, but his pace wasn’t even slowly down. Push and pull. Steady lang.

“Oo kasi…” I said and then moaned. Gosh. “A-ayoko matulog sa sahig…” My lips parted again when I felt him pulling out. I suddenly felt empty. But not for long because I felt Parker lifting me from the bed. Natagpuan ko na lang iyong sarili ko sa harap ng pader.

“Bend,” he said.

“You freak,” I replied habang nilalagay niya iyong dalawang kamay ko sa pader. I was about to utter a protest when I felt him going inside me again. Kung kanina, nag-aalala ako sa kama ko, ngayon naman ay nag-aalala ako sa ulo ko dahil nauuntog ako sa bawat galaw ni Parker. Dapat talaga hindi ko na sinabi sa kanya na mas magaling si Tristan, e!

Parker thrusted over and over again. And when he flicked his finger against my clit, I just fucking lost it.

“We’re not yet done,” he said when my hands slipped. I was breathing so hard. Hingal na hingal na ako at wala naman akong ginawa kung hindi ang kumapit sa pader—na sana talaga ay hindi manipis dahil ayokong maging center ng chismis sa lugar namin.

Parker positioned me again and then began thrusting again. He made me come like thrice before he, himself, came.

“Shit,” he said when he finally fucking came. He was still inside me. He was hugging me while biting my shoulder. I felt his laboured breathing. “Shit,” he repeated.

Pagod na pagod na ako.

One box down. Nine more to go.

---

It was already dawn when Parker decided that enough was enough. Ako naman, naka-higa na lang sa kama. I really couldn’t move. I tried, but I really couldn’t.

“Paabot nga nung Codals,” I said.

“Why? You’re already done with that,” he said. He was sitting on the floor. Sakop ko iyong buong kama. Pagod talaga ako. And I didn’t want to be on the same bed with Parker. It might give him ideas. Again.

“I know. Che-check ko lang kung alam ko pa rin. Feeling ko naalog mo ’yung utak ko,” I said. Feeling ko talaga umabot sa stomach ko dahil sa sobrang pagpapatunay niya sa sarili niya.

Parker laughed and then gave me the book. Kahit na gusto na sumuko ng mga mata ko, pinilit ko na magbasa pa rin kasi nga syempre multi-tasker ako. Hindi pwede na puro Parker lang. Dapat nag-aaral pa rin ako.

After an hour, I stopped reading. “Hindi ka pa ba uuwi?” I asked Parker. Nandito na siya ng more than one day.

“No one’s waiting for me at home,” he casually said. I felt bad for him.

“Hindi mo ba pupuntahan Papa mo sa States? May ilang linggo pa naman sa bakasyon.”

He shook his head. “I have studies and the firm,” he replied. “And you. I can’t leave you.”

I bit my lower lip. “Ah… sandali lang naman. Magkikita naman tayo sa school kapag pasukan,” I replied.

“Still don’t want to,” he replied like a brat.

“Baka naman magtampo iyong Papa mo kapag—”

“Will you come with me to the States? Because that’s the only way you can make me go there,” he cut me off. Swear, one of these days, matatamaan sa akin si Parker dahil hindi niya lagi ako pinapatapos sa mga sasabihin ko.

“Para ano? Makapagsex tayo sa States?”

“Crazy. No. I just really want you by my side… But to be completely honest? Yeah, that, too.”

“Ayoko nga. At saka wala naman akong passport at Visa.”

“We can fix that,” he said. He’s really adamant to bring me abroad with him.

“May skype naman or FaceTime kung tigang ka talaga forever. We can make ways,” I suggested. He faced me and I knew I just gave him an idea. I reached for his head at saka sinabunutan siya. Ang lambot ng buhok niya, in fairness. “Ewan ko sa ’yo.”

Parker stood up at saka tinabihan niya ako sa kama. Akala ko kung saan na naman pupunta iyong kamay niya pero niyakap niya lang ako. His head was resting against the crook of my neck. His eyes were closed.

“Can I make your sched?” he asked.

“What? Sa school?”

“Yeah… so that I can synch it with mine.”

I laughed. “Clingy mo.”

“I know. Don’t leave me.”

I smiled and hugged him, too. “Hindi nga. Promise. Dito lang ako. Kahit maging mahirap or kung anuman ang mangyari, promise hindi ako aalis…”

I just saw him smiling before he fell asleep again.

---

Months passed by quickly. Feeling ko talaga professional multi-tasker na ako. Napagsasabay ko si Parker at ang pag-aaral ko. Pero feeling ko talaga pumapayat na ako. Payat na nga ako tapos mas pumapayat pa ako. Malapit na akong maging skeleton dahil kay Parker.

When school came, Parker managed to synch our schedules. Sobrang stressed niya sa paghahanap ng classes na magtutugma ang breaktime namin. Clingy talaga.

“Maven!” I happily waved when I saw him walking. Akalain mo na mamimiss ko ang taong ’to?

His forehead was creased. “Are you still eating?” unang tanong niya sa akin.

“Grabe! First time ulit nating magkita, tapos ganyan?”

Nanatili lang na naka-kunot ang noo niya. Nag-usap kami nang biglang maramdaman ko iyong kamay ni Parker na pumulupot sa bewang ko. I just knew it was him. I was already well-acquainted with his touch.

“Parker,” Maven said.

“Asshole,” Parker replied.

“You two together?” Maven asked.

“Yes,” he said and then pulled me closer. “I have no patience, de Marco. Don’t try to ruin this for me,” sabi ni Parker bago ako hinatak palayo kay Maven.

“Hala, friends naman kami ni Maven…” I said. I felt bad dahil sa mga sinabi ni Parker.

“Can you… not be friends with him?” Parker asked when he stopped. “I know it’s immature, and I have no rights to tell you what you can and can’t do… But,” he said and then cursed. “I can’t stand the thought of possibly losing you. Again.”

I smiled and cupped his face. “Hindi nga ako mawawala. Bakit ba ayaw mong maniwala?”

“Because there’s no permanent thing in the world. And the thought of losing you is making me lose my shit. I’m sorry if you’re with someone like me, Genesis.”

I caressed his face with my thumb. “Parker Adrian Yapchengco-Palma… you’ll never lose me. I promise. Ikaw lang. Tayo lang,” I assured him, even though I knew words would never suffice to get rid of his reservations. If only I could take all the pain away, I would.

Kabanata 35

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 35 

“Gen.”

“H-ha?” sabi ko habang pilit na dinidilat ang mga mata ko. I was re-taking my Criminal Law subject. May dini-discuss iyong professor pero sobrang babagsak na talaga ’yung mga mata ko.

“Free cut na raw. Bukas, may quiz from Chapters 1-10 tapos graded recitation,” sabi ni Yani. Apparently, she also failed this subject kaya sabay kaming nagrere-take. Hindi ko alam kung good news ba ’yun na may kasabay ako… But I practice to never take delight in other’s misfortune.

“Ah, ganun ba,” I said and then yawned.

“Okay ka lang ba? Palagi kang antok. Hindi ka na nakikinig sa lectures,” she said.

I nodded. “Yeah, okay lang ako,” I replied and then started to fix my things. Things had been more hectic lately. Nag-aaral, nagta-trabaho, tapos si Parker pa sumisingit sa gabi. No wonder skeleton na ang tawag sa akin ni Maven. Well, at least hindi na Abby.

After saying my goodbye to Yani, agad akong lumabas at saka hinanap si Parker. Tuwi kasing breaktime, sabay kaming kumakain—or more like nag-aaral kami. Because let’s face it, walang aral na nagaganap tuwing magkasama kami na kaming dalawa lang.

Usually, nasa labas na agad ng classroom ko si Parker at iniintay ako. Pero dahil wala pa siya, hindi pa siguro tapos ang klase nila. I opted to wait for him. Nagbasa na rin muna ako kasi feeling ko, sobrang left behind agad ako sa mga lessons. Hindi na kasi ako tinatablan ng mga kape.

“Hey,” Parker said. I looked up and saw him. “Sorry. I was asked to stay.”

I closed the book I was reading. “Okay lang. Required ba magstay ka? Okay lang naman na mauna na ako,” I told him. I seriously had to study as in study. I knew Parker said na my failed grades do not define me, but I would still like to be able to look at the mirror and to be able to tell myself na may bunga naman lahat ng paghihirap ko.

“No. Do you wanna eat?” he asked and then held my hand. Kinuha niya iyong libro na binabasa ko at siya ang nagbuhat.

Umiling ako. “Library na lang.”

“What? No. You’ll eat,” sabi niya.

I sighed. “Hindi pa naman ako gutom,” I lied. I haven’t eaten anything yet since this morning. Pagkagising ko kasi, si Parker agad nakita ko. Tapos may pagbend na naman na naganap. Tapos… syempre kailangan na namin pumasok sa school.

So, basically, the list of priorities in my life was like this: Satiating Atthorny Parker Adrian Palma, Studying, Sleeping… next lang iyong eating.

“At saka kailangan ko talagang mag-aral…” I said.

Parker sighed in resignation. Alam niya naman na wala siyang magagawa. Alanganamang itali niya ako at dalhin sa cafeteria? Sa kwarto niya lang ako pwedeng itali. Against human rights kung itatali niya ako in public.

Agad kaming pumunta sa library. Nilabas ko iyong laptop na binigay niya sa akin dati pa. I started typing a report that was due that afternoon. Sa sobrang pagka-seryoso ko sa ginagawa ko, hindi ko napansin na nakaalis na pala si Parker. At nakabalik na pala siya.

“San ka galing?” I asked when I heard him pulling the chair beside me.

“Cafeteria,” he replied.

There was a bread on his lap. “Bawal ang pagkain sa lib!” I hissed. Sobrang sungit pa naman ng librarian! Hindi pwede na mapatalsik kami sa lib. Masisira ang buong sem ko kapag na-ban kami! Sobrang higpit pa naman ng rules. Once kasi may nagdala ng drinks tapos natapunan iyong book na sobrang rare find at walang available na ebook version.

“I know,” he whispered and then pinched a portion of the bread. Pasimpleng tumingin si Parker sa paligid at nang makita niya na busy lahat ng tao, he said, “Open your mouth.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Hanggang sa lib?!” I hissed again.

“What?” naguguluhan niya na sabi. “I’m just trying to feed you.”

Namula iyong mukha ko. “Ah…”

The side of his lips rose. “What? What are you thinking about?”

I pressed my lips. “Wala,” I simply said. Sino ba ang mas tigang sa aming dalawa? Feeling ko, kagaya ni Parker ay 50% sex thoughts na rin ang meron ako.

Parker gently nudged me. “Open up,” sabi niya at saka sumunod naman ako. Mabilis niya na nilagyan ng maliit na piraso ng tinapay iyong bibig ko. “Good?” he asked.

I nodded. “Ikaw?”

“I’m fine,” he replied.

“Sure? Hindi ka pa rin kumakain,” I pointed out. Puro lang kami exercise dalawa. Nalilimutan na talaga namin kumain.

“I’ll manage. Seeing you eat is enough,” he replied and then pointed at my laptop. “Go on. Subuan kita habang nagta-type ka.”

I looked at him and sighed.

Sometimes… I don’t understand what I did to deserve him while he’s at his best. Feeling ko kasi mas deserve ko si Parker when he’s at his worst. But seeing him playful like this? Hearing him wanting to take care of me? He’s just too much. Parang… ayoko na talaga siya pakawalan.

I just smiled at him. I felt like words would fail me. That I wouldn’t be able to phrase how thankful I was for him.

“Wala ka bang gagawin na report?” I asked.

“Nope. All done.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Seriously? Paano ka nakahanap ng time?” I asked him. Ako nga kulang na lang ’wag na matulog para lang matapos lahat ng dapat tapusin, e.

He nodded and then sinubuan niya ulit ako. “I find ways.”

“Naks. BDO?”

He wrinkled his nose and then nudged me. “Type na. I don’t want to be the reason for you to fail,” sabi niya. Tinuloy ko na iyong ginagawa ko. While I was typing, pasimple akong susubuan ni Parker. Tinutulungan niya niya akong maghanap ng reference. He opened his own laptop and then typed paragraphs that I could use for my report. Tapos sinesend niya via iMessage iyong mga paragraphs.

He also did the APA for me. Kinikilig ako, nakakainis! He knew how much I hated doing the reference part kaya ginawa niya na para sa akin.

When I finally finished, I yawned.

“Done?” he asked. Mukha talagang anytime, ready niya na ako hatakin sa cafeteria para pakainin. Ganoon na ba talaga ako kapayat?

I nodded. “Yeah, pero iproofread ko muna,” I said. My eyes were already lazy. Nahihilo na ako sa dami ng binabasa ko at sa constant na pagtutok sa laptop screen. Though, hindi pwede na hindi ko iproofread. One time I failed to do so, pagbalik sa akin ng paper, mukhang doodle art sa dami ng red circles. Cringe-worthy.

But even before I could begin scanning the text, Parker slid the laptop in front of him. “I’ll do it,” he said and then discreetly gave me his tumbler. “Go drink.”

“Ha?”

He patted my head. “I’ll proofread this. Inom ka na ng tubig,” he said and then focused his eyes at the screen.

My heart was beating unbelievably fast. I just… couldn’t anymore. He’s making it harder to breathe!

Quickly, I closed the laptop and then pulled him with me. Nagtataka siya pero sumunod na lang siya. Hinatak ko siya hanggang sa makarating kami sa Filipiniana section ng library. His forehead was creased. Ibinaba ko iyong bag sa sahig at saka sinimulang buksan tanggalin iyong belt ni Parker.

“Gen, I have to proofread your work,” he said while watching me unbuckle his belt. He wasn’t protesting, though.

“I know,” I said. “Sandali lang ’to, promise.”

He grinned. “And I’m the one you call Atthorny. Interesting.”

Inirapan ko siya. “Arte. Ayaw ba o hindi?”

Instead of answering, he pushed me to the wall and began attacking me with his kisses. He was kissing me fastly and deeply. Parang nagmamadali. Simula na kasi ng klase namin in 20 minutes.

God. We’re both Atthorny in the making.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeper. I dipped my tongue inside his mouth and that earned me a moan from him. Naramdam ko na kinalas ni Parker iyong hook ng bra ko.

“Mmm,” I moaned while he was twitching my nipples with his fingers. His other hand went South. He quickly hitched my skirt up. I wasn’t allowed to wear pants anymore! Parker seemed serious nung sinabi niya na susunugin niya iyong mga pantalon ko.

“Horny already, Atthorny?” he whispered in my ear while he was busy massaging my clit. My lips parted. My breathing labored. He began to thrust his finger… One by one.

He was fucking torturing me.

I reached for his fingers and put three inside me. Mas napaawang ang labi ko. I heard Parker chuckle.

“Stop chuckling and fuck me already,” I whispered while I was thrusting his lazy fingers inside me.

“Always amusing,” he said while looking at me. Hindi na ako maka-hinga nang maayos. I could feel the edge, but I knew that only Parker could get me to the zenith.

Parker got my hand and put it inside his pants. Sobrang lalim ng paghinga ko. I reached for his length and squeezed it using my hand. I saw how his lips parted. I began to glide my hand. Up and down. Fuck. He was so fucking hot and he’s mine.

His sinful fingers quickened their pace. I jerked him off. When we were both moaning so hard. We were both trying to reach the edge. Shit. His fucking fingers. I hate them and love them all at once.

Parker kissed me again.

We kissed both our moans.

“G-gaano katagal mo babasahin ’yung paper ko?” I asked when we both came.

“Why?” he asked. He was also breathing raggedly. Napa-tingin siya sa pantalon niya. He was fucking covered in his own semen. “Fuck.”

“I really don’t like coming because of your fingers,” I said.

“What? Why not? What’s wrong with my fingers?” he asked. Kinuha niya iyong panyo niya at saka pinunasan ako. Inuna niya pa akong punasan kaysa sa sarili niya.

“It’s just that… your dick feels so much nicer,” I admitted.

Mula sa pagkakaluhod sa pagitan ng hita ko, tumingin sa akin si Parker. He kissed my thighs and then kept on looking at me. “You’re crazy honest, you know that?”

I shrugged. “Wala naman na akong itatago sa ’yo. Alam mo na lahat, e,” I replied. He’s the one who’s a mystery to me. I wanted to know more, but at the same time, I wanted him to be the one to do the talking. To open up in his own time.

Parker looked at his watch. “I really need to read your paper,” he said. Itinaas niya iyong panty ko tapos sinuot sa akin. He brushed my hair using his fingers and then kissed the top of my head. I pouted. He laughed. “After class, I promise.”

“Tss.”

“Go to your class. I’ll read it over first and then print it.”

“Hintayin ko na.”

“You’ll be late. Before dismissal naman hinihingi ni Atty. Cardenas ’yung mga reports.”

“Sure ka?”

He nodded. Kinuha niya iyong bag niya at saka inabot sa akin ’yung tubig. Napailing na lang ako. Pagkatapos ng lahat, naalala niya pa rin ’yung tubig.

“I promise. I won’t risk your grades,” he said. I smiled and then hugged him. I looked up dahil hanggang dibdib niya lang ako.

“Thank you,” I said.

“For what?”

“For everything.”

He smiled and then kissed me again. “Go. Don’t be late.”

Kinuha ko na iyong gamit ko sa sahig. “What about your pants?” I asked. The front of his pants was wet. He looked like he peed.

“I’ll manage. Sige na. Baka ma-late ka.” I put my hand in front of his pants and tried to wipe it. Parker grunted. “Just go.”

I laughed. “See you later! May utang ka pa sa akin!”

Kabanata 36

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 36 

After a rather hectic week, lahat ng students sa College of Law ay nagkaroon ng kaunting pahinga dahil mayroon daw na announcement iyong dean. Everyone’s required to attend—and hindi ko sure kung magandang bagay ba sa akin iyon.

I was already way behind the lessons at nakaka-start pa lang ako na humabol. Tapos ngayon tuloy, iyong supposed to be na ididiscuss ngayon ay nasama sa walang katapusan na listahan ng kailangan kong i-self-study.

“Hey,” Parker said. Magkatabi kami sa usupuan sa auditorium since hindi naman required na maupo per year. Ahead sa akin si Parker ng isang taon.

“Sorry,” I said and then stiffed my yawn. “Antok talaga ako,” I continued and wiped the water pooling in my eyes.

Parker reached for my head and made me lean on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head. “Sleep. I’ll just tell you the announcement,” sabi niya habang papikit na talaga ang mga mata ko.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal naka-tulog, pero tinatapik na ni Parker iyong mukha ko. Pagdilat ko, nakita ko na kami na lang ang nasa auditorium.

“Tapos na?” I asked. He nodded. “Hala. Ano’ng oras na?” nagpapanic na sabi ko. I had a class in Criminal Law that I shouldn’t miss. I already failed that class and it would really dent my soul kung ibabagsak ko siya ng isa pang beses.

“It’s 2pm,” sabi niya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“What?! Bakit hindi mo ako ginising?!”

I began to panic. My class was in the third floor and I would have to do a mad dash para makarating agad doon. My prof’s not that forgiving when it comes to late comers dahil pakiramdam niya, naiinterrupt ang flow of discussion kapag may mga epal na pumapasok sa kalagitnaan ng class.

And God, I didn’t want to be the next victim of humiliation. That prof of mine really had a knack in making people feel like shit. I mean, every prof naman yata ang goal nila dito sa law school ay palayasin iyong mga iyakin. I cried like a lot during my first week in law school.

I was quickly gathering my things when I saw Parker almost laughing at me.

“This is not a laughing matter,” I said, frowning. “Kapag talaga napahiya ako sa gitna ng class, nako, sinasabi ko sa ’yo, Parker Palma,” I warned him.

“Relax, Gen. All the professors have meetings. The Dean announced free-cut for the entire day.”

I swear, my heart stopped. Tapos… naibato ko kay Parker iyong bag ko.

“Bwisit ka! Muntik na akong atakihin sa puso dito!” naiinis na natatawa na naiiyak na sabi ko. Ayoko kasi talagang ma-late!

Parker, being the jerk he was when he’s in the mood, kept on laughing. Ano na namang nakain nito at tawa nang tawa?

“Sorry. I just saw an opportunity to make fun of you. I took it,” sabi niya.

I eyed him. “You’re mean.”

“And you’re sleeping on almost everything,” sabi niya. “Don’t you think I haven’t noticed?”

I arched my brow. “So?”

Parker’s laugh stopped. He stood up and looked at me. Kahit malamig ang aircon sa auditorim, pakiramdam ko ay bigla akong kinabahan.

“Are you pregnant?”

My heart… began to beat wildly inside my chest. Like it wanted to jump out of my ribcage and dive in the floor because of what Parker said.

Pregnant?

“What?” naguguluhan na tanong ko sa kanya. “N-no. No, I’m not pregnant,” I told him as calmly as I could. “P-pano akong magiging buntis. Lagi kang gumagamit ng condom… right?”

Parker was saying things, but my head felt like spinning. My head began to look back during the times when Parker and I had sex. I knew we were always careful… siya nga ’to na ayaw gawin kapag wala.

“No,” I unconsciously said.

“Gen…”

Agad akong napatingin sa kanya. “Hindi naman ako buntis, ’di ba?” I looked at him, looking for confirmation on his face. But nothing in his expression told me that I was right.

I grabbed my bag from the floor and began to walk when Parker called my name.

“Gen,” sabi niya at saka hinawakan ako sa siko. “Let’s talk.”

“I can’t talk now, Parker. Naguguluhan ako. I’m not in the right state to talk. I’m sorry,” I told him. My head was just swirling and I felt like vomitting and hiding and shit. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong iisipin. Akala ko maayos na ang lahat dahil pumapasa ako sa lahat ng quiz at recitation tapos ito naman ang dumating.

I was staring to believe that there’s a conspiracy to make me lose my shit.

Mabilis akong lumabas. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Maybe I just wanted to breathe. My chest felt like constricting. God. Ano ba ’tong nangyayari sa buhay ko? I just started to get my life back on track again. Shit talaga.

Naglalakad ako papunta sa labas para mag-abang ng taxi nang makasalubong ko si Maven.

“Hi,” I said. Hindi ko maalala kung kailan kami huling nag-usap dahil sinunod ko iyong gusto ni Parker na layuan ko si Maven. I felt so guilty… na nagkakasalubong kami sa college pero ni hindi ko man lang siya malapitan.

I always told myself that I’d never be someone who’d change herself para lang magustuhan siya ng ibang tao… but I just couldn’t ignore Parker’s wish. I just wanted to give him everything and make him happy. His happiness would always be above mine.

“Hi,” he shortly said.

I stood in front of him, unsure of what I would say. “Umattend ka sa announcement kanina?” I asked him. I didn’t know what to talk about.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Family matters,” he replied. May lumapit sa kanya na isa sa mga guard niya at may binulong sa kanya. “If there’s nothing more, I need to go.”

I looked at him and smiled. I bit my lip. I really need to talk to someone, but I guessed I had this coming. Hindi kasi lahat ng tao nandyan pa rin kapag binalewala mo. Some of them would move on with their life. Whether you like it or not, they’d survive without you.

Akala ko ay aalis na si Maven pero nanatili siya na nakatayo sa harap ko.

“Fine. Five minutes.”

“Hindi kasya sa five minutes ’yung gusto kong pag-usapan,” I told him. I had a lot of things to say… and to apologize for.

“Don’t you have other friends to talk to?”

“If you don’t want to talk, just say. You don’t always have to be mean, you know?” sabi ko sa kanya. Kung may ibang choice naman ako, malamang hindi ko siya kakausapin.

Ever since law school, bilang lang ang tao na nakakausap ko talaga. I couldn’t talk to Nari because of hormones and stuff. I couldn’t talk to Preston because he’d just give stupid advice. And most certainly, hindi ko pwedeng kausapin si Mary kahit na marami siyang time para makipagskype. It would just be so, so weird.

“Fine. Let’s talk,” sabi niya. Naglakad siya at saka sumunod ako. Iyong mga guards niya, nasa malayo pero kita pa rin namin siya.

“Bakit dumami yata ang guards mo?” I asked him. Usually, he had like five guards following his every move, but right now, he had ten.

“Election,” simpleng sabi niya. What? Start na ba ng election campaign? Hindi ko pansin. Sobrang busy ko lang talaga siguro sa school at kay Parker kaya nawalan na ako ng oras sa ibang bagay.

We stayed at a pretty hidden spot in the campus. I just didn’t want to risk Parker seeing us together… but at the same time, I wanted to talk about it.

“What’s your problem?” Maven asked.

“You really have the knack to make people talk,” sagot ko sa kanya. His face remained bored, but I decided to take the chance to pour my thoughts out. “What if… something happened na hindi mo inaakala pero at the same time, natatakot ka pero naguguluhan?”

Maven looked at me. “Why don’t you stop talking in codes and just be direct?” tanong niya.

“But it is personal.”

“So? I won’t judge,” Maven said.

“Maven, you’ve been judging me the moment you met me,” sabi ko sa kanya. Hindi ko pa rin malimutan na sinabihan niya ako na panget ako kumpara sa mga babae sa nakaraan ni Parker. Ilang gabi akong napa-tingin sa salamin dahil doon.

“I didn’t judge you when I saw you and Parker going at it in the library.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “What?!”

“What? You weren’t expecting people to see?”

“PEOPLE?!”

He nodded. “Two of my fratmates were with me,” sabi niya.

“Oh, my god.”

“Yeah, we heard you saying that a lot.”

Fuck. Pwede bang kainin na ako ng lupa?!

Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ko pakikiharapan si Maven pagkatapos ng lahat ng nakita niya… at narinig. Pwede bang mawala na lang talaga ako?!

“I’m so sorry,” I said with my face still covered with my hands.

“Yeah, sure. Next time please don’t do it in the library,” sabi niya. “And you owe me money.”

“Ha?”

“Chico took a video of you and Parker. I broke his phone, so I had to replace it,” Maven casually said. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong iisipin. Iyong fact na muntik na akong magkaroon ng scandal o iyong fact na niligtas ako ni Maven.

“Bakit mo ginawa ’yun?” I asked him. He had always been mean to me… hindi ko alam kung bakit niya gagawin iyon para sa akin.

“We’re friends.”

“We are?” I asked and he just made his bored face. “Thank you,” I said and then smiled.

“So, what’s your problem? I’m sure it’s nothing that would disgust me more than you already made me.”

I frowned but his face remained stoic. Sinimulan ko na ikwento sa kanya iyong mga nangyari—of course minus the personal parts. I value my privacy and Parker’s. I just told him the parts that he needed to know.

“I’m just… confused, I think? I mean, alam ko naman na posibleng mangyari ’to pero ngayon na posible na talaga siya… ang gulo lang.”

“Why are you confused?” he asked.

“Kasi nag-aaral pa ako.”

“So?”

“I want to graduate.”

“Then graduate. No one’s asking you to stop.”

“You don’t understand. If I get pregnant, everything will be different.”

“I hate that I still have to tell you this, but the moment you decided to have sex, you should’ve thought of the possibility of being pregnant,” Maven said. His face was straight when he’s telling me all of this. “If you’re this stupid not to know that, I pity the kid growing inside your body.”

He’s just so fucking mean. And honest.

God, I hated talking to Maven.

“I’m not yet sure na buntis ako… but if I am… of course I’d want this kid,” sabi ko habang nakahawak sa tyan ko. Kaya ba ako payat dahil kinukuha ng baby lahat ng pagkain na dapat ay para sa akin?

“Good. Because it’s not the kid’s fault that you had sex,” Maven said.

“Oh, my god, can you please stop talking about me having sex? It’s uncomfortable.”

“I had to attend a high mass to make me feel better after I saw you two in the library,” Maven said. “Making you feel uncomfortable is not payment enough for the torture you made me go through.”

“Go to a clinic and have yourself checked. If you’re pregnant, go tell Parker. If you’re not, still go tell Parker. He’s the one you should talk to, not me.”

“I know. Thanks, Maven.”

I got my phone and sent a text to Parker. Pupunta na ako sa pinaka-malapit na clinic para magpacheck. I just needed to make everything clear today. Ayoko na umaabot ng isang araw na hindi kami okay ni Parker. Kapag kasi mas lalong pinapatagal ang problema namin, mas lalo kaming nahihirapan na mag-usap.

We’re just two stubborn people. Our relationship’s hard to maintain, but it’s worth all the trouble.

“Hindi ba hinahanap ka na?” tanong ko kay Maven. I was sure that he’s really busy dahil busy talaga ang mga politiko kapag panahon ng kampanya.

“Yeah,” he replied. Pagdating namin sa clinic, bumaba na ako. My heart was pounding like hell, pero kailangan kong malaman kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayari.

“Bakit ka bumaba?” I asked Maven. Hindi niya naman akong kailangang samahan sa loob.

“I need to pee,” sabi niya at nilagpasan ako. Napailing na lang ako at saka sumunod sa kanya at pumasok sa loob. But even before I could go inside, I received a text from Parker.

’Whatever happens, I promise I won’t leave. You promised, too, Gen. ‘Wag mo akong takbuhan. Please.’

God. Bahala na.

Kabanata 37

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 37 

I didn’t know if it’s because of the coffee or I was just trembling in fear. The doctor told me to wait while they’re processing the results. At bawat segundo na lumilipas, mas lalong sumasakit ang ulo ko sa pag-iisip.

Why did even Parker train me to constantly think about things? Sobrang napaparanoid na tuloy ako!

‘At least tell me where you are,’ he texted.

‘I’m fine, I promise,’ I replied. Hindi ko matiis na hindi magreply sa kanya kahit na halos mamatay na ako sa sobrang kaba.

‘Where? I promise I won’t come,’ he replied back.

‘Clinic.’

‘Oh. You really don’t want me there?’ he asked. Even in his texts, I could hear his tone. I knew he really wanted to be here with me. Gusto ko rin naman na nandito siya kasi alam ko na ano man ang mangyari sa akin, hindi niya naman ako iiwanan. But my mind’s a mess. I didn’t want him to misunderstand me dahil magulo talaga ang isip ko sa ngayon.

‘I do. But I need to do this alone, Parker. I hope you understand.’

Hindi ko na nahintay pa ang reply niya dahil agad na akong tinawag sa loob. If my heart was pounding dangerously fast before, ngayon ay para na akong aatakihin sa puso.

“Take a seat,” the doctor said. May hawak siyang papel. And at that moment, I felt like my whole life was balancing on that piece of paper.

“Do you have questions?” the doctor asked.

“Am I pregnant?” agad kong tanong.

“No.”

My heart’s still beating fast. I was not pregnant. But why did I still have this nagging feeling inside me? Like something was wrong?

“N-no?” tanong ko.

“No, you’re not pregnant. But I have some things I needed to discuss with you,” she said and then started to get serious.“

---

“Hey,” Parker said when he saw me walking towards him.

I smiled. “Hi. Kanina ka pa?”

He quickly nodded. Agad niya akong hinawakan nang makarating ako sa harap niya. “You okay?” he asked. I nodded. “Sure?”

“Yeah. Kumain ka na ba? Gutom na ko.”

Mabilis akong dinala ni Parker sa isang restaurant. He asked me what I wanted to eat, but my mind was too preoccupied to even think about eating. Mukhang napansin naman ni Parker iyon kaya naman siya na lang ang pumili ng kakainin ko.

When our food arrived, he just watched me eat.

“Don’t you like the food?” he asked when he noticed me just playing around with the food.

“No, okay naman siya,” I replied. He just nodded. Halata naman sa kanya na gusto niya akong tanungin tungkol sa pinuntahan ko kanina pero pinipigil niya ang sarili niya.

I took my time with the food. Kahit na wala akong gana, pinilit ko pa rin na kainin. The doctor told me that I needed to take extra care with myself. Kung dati, kaya kong tumagal na hindi kumakain, ngayon ay dapat ko ng ipaalala palagi sa sarili ko na bawal akong magutom. And that I should aim to keep myself healthy.

And how would I even do that? Even sleeping is a luxury in law school.

Nang matapos kami sa pagkain, inaya ako ni Parker na maglakad-lakad.

“May gusto ka bang tanungin sa akin?” I asked him while we were in the middle of our walk. Gusto ko rin kasing sabihin sa kanya. I promised him no more secrets. Pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. I wanted him to ask questions, so that I would know what to say.

“I just want to hear what you want to say,” he replied.

“I have lots of things to say…”

“Then do tell. I’ll listen. I promise.”

I smiled at him. “Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula.”

“Start where you feel most comfortable with,” he replied.

Huminto kami sa harap ng swing at saka naupo ako roon. Parker stood behind me and then started pushing the swing.

“I’m not pregnant,” I told him. I didn’t know, but I felt him stiffen behind me. “I’m sorry.”

There was a beat.

There was a moment of silence.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I knew you were expecting a yes,” I replied.

“Yeah… but there’s nothing to apologize for, Gen. It’s not your fault that you’re not pregnant.”

“But… what if I can never get pregnant?”

I thought he was going to stop pushing the swing.

I was expecting a reaction from him.

“Then don’t,” he casually replied.

Agad akong napatayo at hinarap siya. “Don’t you want kids?” I asked him.

“I want kids, of course.”

That was a punch in the gut.

“I can never give you one,” I told him, every word stung in my mouth. I thought I would cry, but all I felt was this hollow part inside my chest. Na parang hinukay at kahit kailan, hindi na mapupuno pa.

“Who told you that?” he asked. “A doctor?” I nodded. “Then let’s consult another. And another. And another.”

“Paano kung iisa lang ang sabihin nila?”

“Then let’s adopt.”

Why was he talking about it so casually?

“Parker, you don’t understand—”

He cut me off. “No, Gen, you don’t understand. I want you. I want to be with you. When did I ever give you the impression that I’m only with you because of kids?”

Tears began to stream in my eyes. Akala ko wala na akong iiiyak, but with Parker in front of me, all walls came crumbling.

“We’re happy, right? We’re okay.”

“Pero, Parker—”

“Gen, I don’t want kids if it means that I can’t be with you. Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan?”

“Because I can’t understand!” I replied, tears streaming down my face. “Alam mo ba na pumunta ako dito, thinking na hihiwalayan mo ako kapag narinig mo na kahit kailan, hindi kita pwedeng bigyan ng anak? I prepared myself! Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kapag nakipaghiwalay ka, hindi dapat kita pigilan. Because you deserve someone who can give you a family.” I held his face. “You deserve a family, Parker. You deserve someone who can give you everything.”

Parker’s eyes were blank.

“Why can’t you ever trust me, Gen? Sobrang hirap ba?” tanong niya sa akin.

Hindi ako makasagot.

“Why do you always assume what I’d want? Is it really too hard to ask me what I want?”

Silence.

“I know I deserve a family. But don’t you think you deserve a family, too?” tanong niya sa akin. Hindi ko na mapigilan iyong pagtulo ng luha ko. “Why do you always think that you deserve nothing, Genesis? Sino ba ang nagpasok ng ideya dyan sa utak mo na wala kang karapatan sa kahit ano’ng bagay?”

“Parker—”

“Sino?” he asked.

Umiling ako.

“Who gave you the fucking idea that you don’t deserve anything?” he asked. “Is is your ex? Sino? Sino ba ’yung nagpasok dyan sa utak mo? Because Genesis, you just can’t fucking push me away kasi akala mo wala kang mabibigay sa akin! That’s not how a relationship works!”

Parker’s chest was heaving. He was angry. His eyes were red. He looked like he’s about to cry because of anger.

“Parker…” umiiyak na sabi ko. “I’m sorry.”

He frustratingly brushed his hair with his fingers. His eyes were moist. “God, Gen. Hindi ko na alam ’yung gagawin ko sa ’yo. Bakit ba ang baba ng tingin mo sa sarili mo?”

Tuluy-tuloy na ’yung pagtulo ng luha ko. Hindi ko na rin alam ’yung gagawin ko sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ganito.

“You deserve more…” I whispered.

“More? What more can I ask for?” he replied, looking straight into my eyes. “What is your deal, Genesis? My parents always told me I’m smart, pero pagdating sa ’yo, nabobobo ako.”

Kung pwede lang maging sagot ang luha.

“What? Is it because you were not a virgin when I got you?” tanong niya. “Iyon ba? Hindi? Ano? Sabihin mo naman kasi!

My chest was heaving badly.

“Iyon ’yun, ’di ba? Why is it such a big deal?” he asked. “Tell me. Please tell me,” he said.

Tears were unending. I couldn’t even speak.

“Hindi na ako virgin. Wala na akong silbi. P-pang kama na lang daw a-ako,” humihikbing sabi ko. Pabilis nang pabilis iyong pagtulo ng luha ko. Naka-yuko ako habang tuloy iyong pagtulo ng luha ko. Naalala ko lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Tristan. Na wala ng magmamahal sa akin kasi nakuha niya na lahat. Na wala na akong silbi.

Parker’s hands tightened into a fist. His fists were turning white.

“So what if you weren’t a virgin? Why do you keep using things to measure your worth? Una, ’yung grades. Ngayon, ito naman? God, Gen! Please learn to love yourself!” he said, frustrated. “I’m trying to give you everything because you deserve everything. Like everyone else. Everyone deserves love, Gen. Pero bakit ikaw parang ayaw mong ibigay sa sarili mo? Why do you always find a way to screw things up? To make a big deal of things that we can simply work out?”

“Hindi naman sa ganon, Parker…”

“Then why did you break up with me before? And why do I feel like you’re breaking up with me again? “

Mabilis akong umiling. “I’m not breaking up with you… I’m just telling you that you have a choice.”

“Choice saan?” tanong niya. “Choice kung iiwan mo ako o iiwan kita?”

My answer were my tears.

Mabilis na naglakad si Parker at sinundan ko siya.

“Parker!” I said while I was trying to keep up with him. People were looking at us, but I couldn’t care less now. Parker was mad. I was worried about what he’d do.

Mabilis kaming nakarating sa parking lot. He got inside his car. Sumakay din ako sa loob. Tahimik akong nakaupo sa tabi niya. Nakakapit ako sa upuan ko dahil sa bilis niyang magpatakbo. I closed my eyes because I was afraid that we’d hit something. But when I felt him slowing down, my heart started to beat fastly inside my chest. The place was awfully familiar.

“Bakit tayo nandito?” tanong ko nang mapansin ko na papunta kami sa dati kong apartment. He remained silent until he pulled off in front of my old apartment.

I panicked when he got out and started walking. Shit.

“Parker, uwi na tayo,” pigil ko sa kanya pero patuloy pa rin siya sa paglalakad. He stopped in front of my old apartment and started banging the door. Pilit ko siyang hinahatak palayo, pero hindi ko siya mapigilan.

“Parker, tama na…” kinakabahan na sabi ko. Biglang bumukas iyong pinto at saka lumabas si Tristan. Mas lalong lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko.

“Gen—” Tristan said, but Parker’s fist met Tristan’s face. “Ano bang problema mo?!” gulat na sabi ni Tristan.

“That’s for you putting fucking ideas in Gen’s head!” Parker hissed. He pulled Tristan by the collar of his shirt and then slammed him against the wall. “Didn’t you love her?! How the fuck can you tell her that she’s worth nothing?!

Hindi ako makagalaw nang simulan na suntukin ni Parker si Tristan. I was too stunned to move. I wanted to stop them, but my entire body wouldn’t move.

“You fucking asshole! I can kill you right now!” he said while throwing a punch at Tristan. “Pang kama lang si Gen? Shit, tang ina ka talaga!” sabi niya at saka patuloy na sinuntok si Tristan.

“She fucking gave you everything! Pinag-aral ka niya! Shit, nakakahiya ka! Tao ka ba talaga?!”

Parker stayed and kept on punching Tristan. I was afraid that he’d kill him.

And when he was done, I couldn’t even recognize Tristan’s face.

Parker was breathing heavily. His knuckles were covered with Tristan’s blood. Tumayo siya at saka sinipa iyong katawan ni Tristan.

“Try calling the police. I promise you I’ll destroy your life the way you destroyed Genesis,” he said before walking away.

Kabanata 38

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 38 

I stared at Tristan’s body. God. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. I stayed there, looking at Tristan. Gusto kong tumawag ng ambulansya, pero natatakot ako na baka tanungin nila ako kung ano ang nangyari.

“Gen…” Tristan groaned.

I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t move.

“Gen,” Parker called. “Let’s go.”

Napatingin ako kay Tristan bago bumaling ang tingin ko kay Parker. “He’s hurt.”

“He’s a doctor. He can treat himself,” he dismissively said.

“Parker naman…”

I had known Parker for a year. I’d seen him ignore me. I’d seen him pretend that I didn’t exist… but the way he’s looking at me right now made me feel like I’d be better off dead.

“Can you please choose me for once?” he asked, his voice laced with pain. Napaawang ang labi ko. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita o nakagalaw.

Parker looked at me and smiled. “Nevermind. Kasi kahit gaano mo naman ako gaguhin, sa ’yo pa rin ako babalik.”

Nagsimula siyang maglakad. Gusto kong sumunod. Gusto ko siyang kausapin… pero hindi ko rin kaya na iwanan si Tristan na ganito iyong sitwasyon niya.

I crouched down and helped him. He looked like a mess. Parker made sure na hindi makakapasok ng ilang linggo si Tristan.

“I’m sorry,” I told him. Kinuha ko iyong cellphone ko para tumawag ng ambulansya, pero pinigilan ako ni Tristan. He winced when he tried to move.

“Gen…” he called.

“I’m sorry, Tristan… Hindi ko alam na—”

“I’m sorry,” sabi niya.

“Please don’t call the police,” I begged. Parker did this for me. Ayoko na mapahamak siya dahil sa akin. I already messed him up so bad, ayoko na dumagdag pa.

Tristan tried to sit down and I helped him. Ni hindi ako maka-tingin nang diretso sa mukha niya dahil sa pinsala na dinala ni Parker. Tristan’s eyes were swollen. His face was covered with bruises. Every move was making him groan with pain.

Tinulungan ko siyang makapasok sa loob. I was careful not to hurt him any further. Nang naipasok ko na siya sa loob, inihiga ko siya sa kama niya. I looked around, trying to find a basin… at saka ko lang napansin kung gaano kagulo iyong paligid niya.

Napatingin ako kay Tristan.

“Everything’s a mess without you, Gen,” he said, sadly smiling.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. Matagal na kaming wala. Matagal na dapat niyang tanggap na kahit ano’ng sabihin niya, walang saysay.

“May kailangan ka bang inumin na gamot?” I asked instead. I didn’t come here to dwell about the past. Ayokong bigyan ng dagdag na problema iyong sarili ko. I wasn’t even done with own issues.

“Gen,” he said. “Why are you with that kind of guy?”

“Tristan, just tell me kung ano iyong kailangan mo.”

“Ikaw. Ikaw ’yung kailangan ko. Sabi mo dati tayong dalawa lang, ’di ba?” He tried to hold my arm, but I quickly dodged.

“Sinabi mo rin na ako lang, pero alam naman natin na hindi, ’di ba?”

Tumayo ako at saka naghanap ng pwedeng ipamunas sa mukha niya. I just couldn’t look at him anymore when he’s covered in blood. Ayoko rin na may masamang mangyari kay Tristan dahil may pinagsamahan pa rin kami kahit papaano. I made a promise to his parents na aalagaan ko siya.

Patuloy akong naghahanap ng paglalagyan ng mainit na tubig habang patuloy din siya sa pagsasalita.

“Gen, ang tagal na nun… Nagsisi na ako. Bakit ba hindi mo ako kayang patawarin?”

How… could you forgive someone who doesn’t even seem apologetic for making you feel like shit? Sa palagay ba niya totoo iyong time heals all wounds? Kasi kahit gaano pa ’yan katagal, kung masakit talaga, masakit pa rin talaga.

Lalo na kung wala ka namang makita na pagsisisi mula sa kanya.

“Mayaman ’yun, ’di ba? Alam mo naman na impossible, Gen. Hindi kayo magtatagal ng ganoong lalaki.”

I fisted my hands.

“Pagsasawaan ka lang din niya. Gagamitin ka tapos kapag sawa na siya sa ’yo, iiwan ka niya,” patuloy niyang sabi.

My chest was heaving.

My hands were shaking.

“Kaya bumalik ka na sa akin, Gen… Alam mo naman na tayo pa rin sa huli.”

Sa sobrang panginginig ng mga kamay ko, mabilis na nabagsak sa sahig iyong lalagyan ng tubig. I kneeled down to get the basin, but my hands were shaking so bad because of anger. I wanted to tell Tristan to shut the fuck up, but I also wanted him to destroy whatever was left of my feelings for him. Na kahit iyong kakaunting awa na nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, inuubos niya na dahil sa mga sinasabi niya.

“Iiwan ka lang niya. Mayaman siya, Gen. Mas marami siyang pagpipilian. Ikaw ’yung kawawa kapag nagsawa na siya sa ’yo.”

I stayed and listened to all the shits he said. And all I could think of was why I was letting him walk all over me. Na tama si Parker. I did everything for Tristan. I did everything to make his dreams come true… tapos ganito lang ang gagawin niya sa akin?

Siya iyong nakakahiya, hindi ako.

Siya iyong walang kwenta, hindi ako.

Siya iyong dapat hindi mahiya, hindi ako.

I calmed myself and then faced him.

“I’m sorry, Tristan. For a long time, I did everything to make you feel loved… Ginawa ko lahat para hindi natin maramdaman na tayo na lang dalawa, kasi ’di ba pangako natin sa isa’t-isa na kahit wala na ’yung pamilya natin, magiging masaya pa rin tayo? Ginawa ko naman lahat, Tristan… Minahal naman kita… pero bakit ka ganyan sa ’kin?

“Bakit ganyan kababa ’yung tingin mo sa akin? Bakit… bakit parang basura naman ako sa paningin mo?”

Ayokong umiyak dahil sa kanya, pero hindi ko mapigilan.

“Alam ko kasi ginawa ko lahat. Tumigil ako sa pag-aaral kahit sinasabi nilang lahat sa akin na ang tanga ko. Hindi ako nakinig kasi minahal kita, e. Kasi ’di ba ganoon naman dapat kapag mahal mo? Gagawin mo lahat? Tanggap mo lahat? Pero bakit ganyan ka sa ’kin? Ang baba ng tingin mo. Parang sobrang walang kwenta ko para sa ’yo.

“Hindi ko na alam ’yung gagawin ko sa ’yo, e. Sinubukan ko na kalimutan ’yung panggago mo kasi alam ko na naging magkaibigan din naman tayo. Pero alam mo? Ako lang pala ’yung nag-iisip ng ganon sa ’ting dalawa. Ako lang pala ’yung may pakielam. Kasi alam mo? Kung ikaw ’yung nagkaroon ng girlfriend na mayaman? Hinding-hindi ko sasabihin sa ’yo ’yang mga sinasabi mo sa ’kin. Kasi masakit. Kasi mahal naman kita kahit papano… gusto ko naman na sumaya ka…

“Pero siguro mali na talaga ’to. Dapat siguro talaga na wala na tayo sa buhay ng isa’t-isa.”

Kinuha ko iyong gamit ko. I couldn’t breathe. He was making it harder to breathe.

“Huli na ’to. Ayaw na talaga kitang makita. Kahit kailan.”

As I walked away from him, I realized why I had been so hard on myself for a very long time. Kasi ang alam ko, wala akong karapatan sa kahit na ano… na nabubuhay lang ako kasi may silbi ako. Na kapag wala na akong maibigay, mawawalan na rin ako ng saysay.

But I was wrong.

Parker loves me.

He’s here for me.

Kahit wala na akong maibigay.

---

Hindi ko na pansin ang oras nang makarating ako kina Parker. Diretso ako na pumasok para hanapin siya at humingi nang tawad nang biglang may makasalubong ako.

Agad akong napahinto.

“Mr. P-Palma,” I stuttered. Hindi ako sigurado kung namamalik-mata nga lang ba ako o nasa harap ko nga ang tatay ni Parker.

“Hi. You are?” tanong niya sa akin.

“Genesis po,” sagot ko.

He nodded. “You’re Parker’s friend?” tanong niya. I just nodded, I didn’t know how to properly address the situation. “Can you contact him? Hindi pa raw umuuwi.”

Agad na napaawang ang labi ko. Akala ko dito siya dumiretso. Nagpaalam ako para lumabas at tawagan si Parker. I tried calling him a few times, but he never answered. And on my next attempt to contact him, kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ko na tinatawagan ako ni Maven.

“Maven?” I asked, unsure if it’s really Maven. Hindi naman ako tinatawagan nito.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“Kila Parker… bakit?”

He was silent for a second before he spoke again. “Ah…” he trailed. Mas lalo akong nagtaka dahil hindi tipo ng tao si Maven na tatawag lang para itanong kung nasaan ako.

“Bakit ka tumawag?”

“Do you feel like someone’s following you?” Maven asked.

“Hindi naman. Bakit?”

A beat.

“I’ll send someone over to pick you up,” he said.

“Ha?”

“I’ll explain it when you’re here,” he continued.

“Hindi pwede. Hinahanap ko si Parker,” I said. Parker’s whereabouts was paramount than whatever Maven needed me for.

“Trust me, Parker will come see me… I think,” he vaguely replied. “Oh. He’s already here,” sabi niya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“Maven—”

“Someone will pick you up,” he said and then ended the line.

Agad kong pinuntahan iyong tatay ni Parker at sinabi kung nasaan ang anak niya. He nodded, as if he understood why Parker was there. Naguguluhan ako sa mga nangyayari, pero sumama ako sa pinadala ni Maven para sumundo sa akin.

A few minutes later, binaba ako sa isang malaking bahay. Agad akong pumasok para hanapin si Parker.

“Oh, finally,” Maven said upon seeing me. Lumapit ako sa kanila nang mapansin ko na may humaharang kay Parker na mga lalaki. Lumingon ako kay Parker—he was still red from anger.

“Maven… bakit kami nandito?”

As far as I was concerned, hindi magkaibigan si Maven at Parker. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nandito si Parker… at kung bakit mukhang galit na galit siya.

I was about to ask a question when Maven’s mom arrived.

“Oh, good, you’re finally here, Genesis,” she said and then kissed my cheek. Pinaupo niya kaming lahat. I felt everybody tensed up. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nangyayari.

“Election is just around the corner and our enemies are doing everything they can to discredit the de Marco name,” Maven’s mom explained. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung ano ang kinalaman ko sa eleksyon. “And since it’s very unfortunate that the video was leaked, we have decided to announce the engagement of Maven and Genesis tonight.”

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. What?!

Kabanata 39

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 39 

“No,” mabilis kong sagot. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto nilang mangyari, pero hindi ako papayag na gawin nilang laro iyong buhay ko. This was my life. I would choose who I’d marry… and that’s definitely not Maven!

“You don’t exactly have a choice, hija,” Maven’s mom said.

“But Maven’s not even my—”

“The public doesn’t care about the truth,” she cut me off and then looked at Parker. “You better fix this, or else we’ll have a problem,” matalim niyang sabi bago tumayo. Tinignan niya si Maven. “You dug this grave yourself, Maven. Fix this or your abuelo will fix this for you… and we both know you don’t want that.”

The air in the room felt so cold.

Maven’s mom… I never thought that she could be this vicious.

Hanggang makaalis ang Mama ni Maven, ni walang lumabas kahit isang salita mula sa bibig ko.

“I… don’t understand,” I replied. Tinignan ko si Parker at Maven sa harap ko. They looked just as confused as I was, but I knew that they were both hiding something.

“Why do I need to marry you, Maven?” tanong ko. I was just whisked and then told that my engagement was to be announced? I was lost!

Tinignan niya ako na parang ayaw niyang sabihin iyong totoo. “Do you remember the first time that we met?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah… nung tinulungan kita?”

I still remembered that. It’s the first time that I almost vomitted my insides out! And he was so rude to me kahit na tinulungan ko naman siya.

“Do you remember the video?” he asked.

“Video?”

He nodded. “Yeah. The one with my car shaking?”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Akala ko ba nagawan mo na ng paraan?” I haven’t seen the video myself, but Maven told me that it looked like we were having wild sex in the car. And it’s because he was kicking the door of the car dahil hindi ako marunong tumahi ng sugat. I was no doctor, but he forced me to stitch him up!

“Yeah… but someone dug it up.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Then can’t we just tell them what really happened?”

Maven looked me in the eye. “The truth doesn’t always work,” he calmly said.

“Well, it has to work! Because there’s no way I’ll marry you!” I told him and then looked at Parker who was frustratingly silent. “Right?!” tanong ko kay Parker.

Nanatili akong nakatingin kay Parker at nang wala akong makuha na sagot mula sa kanya.

“This is not a game, you two assholes! This is my life!” sigaw ko sa kanilang dalawa. “I won’t marry you,” I told Maven. “And what the fuck, Parker?”

Hindi ako makapaniwala na wala akong narinig kahit na isang salita mula sa bibig ni Parker. Matapos niyang halos patayin si Tristan, dito niya lang ako iiwan?

I was being forced into marrying someone… and he got nothing to say?

Mabilis akong naglakad palabas. I couldn’t be in the same room as them anymore. Naglakad ako nang naglakad hanggang sa sumakit ang mga paa ko. My chest was tightening and I just wanted to call someone. Mabilis kong hinanap iyong cellphone ko nang maalala ko na naiwan ko sa bahay nila Maven iyong gamit ko.

“Fuck my life,” I told myself as I began to walk back. Mabilis akong nakabalik pero bago pa man ako makapasok, narinig ko na nag-uusap silang dalawa.

“I’ll fix this,” Maven said. “Get your girl and fix your life.”

Nanatiling tahimik si Parker. I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. I couldn’t believe that this was the same Parker who almost killed someone for me.

Now… it felt like he just wanted to give me away.

“Just tell her that it’s all my fault,” Maven said. Nanatiling tahimik si Parker. “Put all the blame on me, I don’t care. Just for once, please fucking get the girl already.”

There was still that fucking silence.

God, I hated that silence.

It made me feel small.

“I don’t think I can.”

Tears.

Just.

Fell.

“You fucking can, you fucking idiot. Go and follow Genesis. She’s probably cursing us both to death right now,” Maven said.

Ilang segundo ng katahimikan.

“I promise I’ll do everything to stop my family from messing with your firm,” Maven continued. “If you’re worried about that, I’ll fix it. I promise.”

Katahimikan.

“What the fuck is your problem, really? Don’t tell me it’s the law firm because I know that you just took up law because of your mom. You don’t even like it that much.”

Ni hindi ko alam na kaya pala nilang mag-usap ng ganito. Ano pa ba iyong hindi ko alam? Ano pa ba ’yung hindi nila sinasabi sa akin?

“My mom worked for it,” Parker replied in a low voice. He sounded pained. I didn’t know much about his mom… or about his dad. Ang alam ko lang ay namatay iyong Mama niya dahil sa cancer… and that his dad had been traveling the world to forget about the death.

Why… couldn’t he just tell me that? Bakit hindi niya na lang sabihin sa akin iyong kinakatakot niya para matulungan ko siya?

Why did he give me silence when he had the answers I was asking for?

It felt like it was so hard for the both of us to be honest with each other.

Na parang sobrang mali na magkasama kaming dalawa.

But even then, I still wanted to try… kasi sabi niya, ’wag daw akong aalis. Na sa tabi niya lang daw ako palagi.

“Yeah, but you don’t like law and your dad’s practically never home. I don’t really see the point,” Maven said. “It’s not like you’ll starve if you give up that firm.”

Parker looked at him. “You have your whole fucking family. You’ll never understand,” sabi niya bago nagsimulang maglakad palabas. Mabilis akong nagtago.

“You wanna know your problem? It’s because you always feel so sorry about yourself. You feel like the world conspired to take everything away from you. But it’s never the case, Parker. You feel like shit because you allowed yourself to feel like shit,” Maven began. “Why do you feel like shit? Is it because of Imo? Fucking idiot, that girl was in love with you for years! You ignored her for years and when Saint finally noticed her, you began to panic. Why? Because you didn’t think that she’d find someone else?”

Parker fisted his hands.

“Or was it when you lost Cindy? Because you also fucking neglected her, idiot. She was there and you never told her shit. You made her tired of you. It’s all on you.

“Or was it when you lost your mom? I hate to tell you this, but you ignored your mom for years. You hated her for naming you Parker. You hated her for pushing you towards Imo.

“You hated her for all the reasons why you feel so shit right now. She named you Parker because she lost her brother. And now, you want do the same. You want to give up Genesis to continue what your mom worked hard for. Can’t you see what a fucking hypocrite you are?”

I wanted to stop Maven from talking.

God.

“You’re so convinced that the whole world is working against you… but the fuck, you’re the one who never wanted to be happy. There’s Genesis. She’ll give you anything, but you never tell her anything. She’s so fucking clueless that sometimes, I just want to take her away from you and your annoying silence.”

“Shut up,” Parker said.

“Why? Because the truth hurts, right?” Maven asked. “Just… go. Please. Please be fucking happy. It’s annoying seeing you miserable all the time.”

Hinintay ko na sabihin niya na kukunin niya ako… na dito lang siya sa tabi ko… kasi iyong ’yung sinabi niya sa akin na gusto niyang mangyari.

But I heard nothing.

Just his silence.

Again.

“Call Genesis. Tell her it’s all my fault. Convince her that there’s no way she should marry me—because we both know that my family will find a way to trick her. Then let me handle everything else. I’ll find a way to not involve your mom’s law firm.”

“Why are you doing this?” Parker asked.

Maven looked at him. “Your miserable face is annoying the shit out of me.”

Nang marinig ko iyong yabag ni Parker, mabilis akong nagtago. Pinanood ko hanggang sa makaalis na siya. Susunod na sana ako nang may pinabagong dumating kaya hindi ako makagalaw mula sa pinagtataguan ko.

“Was that Parker?” a lady asked. She looked a lot like Maven.

“Yeah. Why are you here?”

“What? Your twin can’t visit?” Bakit ba hindi ako makaalis dito? I wanted to run after Parker!

“Go away, Addie. I have tons of problem right now,” Maven said, his voice serious.

“Yeah, I heard. Mom’s all up on Uncle Tripp’s ass—you know, threatening and all that thing she has mastered through the years,” the girl said. Agad na nakuha niya ang atensyon ko nang marinig ko ang pangalan ng tatay ni Parker. “What’s really happening? It’s been totally silent and it’s kinda freaking everyone out.”

Maven remained silent.

“Mom’s announcing my engagement.”

“Is it because of the news?” the girl, Addie, asked. Ano ba kasi ’yung news na ’yun?! “Yikes. So, you’re the sacrificial lamb this time…”

“Nah. No way I’ll get married. I’ll find a way,” Maven said.

“But you know… mom will also really find a way to destroy Uncle Tripp’s law firm if your scandal messes this election for abuelo.”

Maven sighed. “This is precisely the reason why I don’t want to care too much about anything… People exploit feelings. All. The. Fucking. Time.”

Kabanata 40

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 40 

I tried to look for him everywhere.

Tutal, wala naman akong choice.

I felt like social pariah.

Ni hindi ako makalabas sa bahay dahil pinagtitinginan ako ng mga tao. Alam ko sa sarili ko na wala akong ginagawang masama, na wala naman talagang nangyari sa amin ni Maven… pero ang gulo lang talaga.

Na kahit sabihin mo sa kanila na wala, pilit nilang sasabihin na meron. Kasi iyon ’yung nasa Internet. Kasi iyon ’yung binabalita.

Truth just didn’t matter anymore.

People would just believe what they wanted to be the truth.

“I know it’s not true,” Preston said. He visited me even though I didn’t ask him to. Nari made him see me. She was dead worried pero hindi siya makapunta.

“Ha?”

“The video,” he said. “There’s no way it could be true.”

I smiled at him. “Thanks. It means a lot…” na may tao pa pala na hindi basta-bastang naniniwala sa mga nakikita nila.

He shrugged. “Yeah, well, Maven’s basically asexual, so it’s really impossible.”

And for the first time in so long, nagawa kong matawa. The past days had been hard. Maven’s mom continued to terrorize me and continued to say subtle threats. I didn’t know that election could be this cutthroat. Masisira ba talaga ang image ng pamilya nila dahil doon? Couldn’t they just be freaking honest and tell the public na hindi naman si Maven ’yun?

“Thank God you laughed,” he said, relieved. “Nari’s dead worried na baka sa sobrang pagsama mo kay Parker, nakuha mo na rin ’yung suicidal tendencies niya.”

“I don’t even know where he is…”

“He’s probably thinking somewhere.”

“Can’t he think and text me? Mahirap ba ’yun?”

I never really liked being kept in the dark. Constantly wondering what’s happening to him.

Preston shrugged. “That’s just how Parker is, Gen. Kaya nga magbest friend sila ng kapatid ko—”

“I thought you’re the best friend?”

He nodded. “Sa kagaguhan, yes, pero sa mga seryosong bagay, si Imo kausap nun. Hindi ako makasabay sa kanilang dalawa. Masyadong intense sa sikreto ’yung dalawa na ’yun.”

I smiled. I hoped Imo talked to him… I knew that Imo would give him a good advice.

“Hindi ka na selos?”

I shook my head. “There are other things to worry about. Like Parker’s whereabouts.”

“Magpapakita din ’yun. Parang bagay na nawawala ’yang si Parker. Kapag hindi mo hinahanap, at saka magpapakita,” Preston offered. Sana nga tama siya. “Ano ba ’yung huling sinabi niya nung nagkita kayo?”

I sighed. “Nothing… wala siyang sinabi.”

“Tungkol sa kasal-kasalan?”

I nodded. “Yeah… wala ba siyang pakielam?”

“May paki ’yun. Hindi lang talaga showy.”

I didn’t say a thing. I knew he cared… deep, deep, deep down. But I wanted to see him caring. To hear him caring.

“You just have to understand that this is hard for him, Gen. The law firm is everything his mom left him. And Parker’s sentimental, hindi lang obvious.”

And that just scared me.

What if he chose that over me?

Kakapit pa ba ako kung siya na ’yung bumitaw?

---

The next days had been crazy. Mas lalong lumalapit iyong election, mas lalo silang nagiging malala. The black propaganda was just getting more and more intense. At habang mas lalong bumababa ang pwesto sa survey ng de Marco, mas lalong nagiging nakakatakot iyong Mama ni Maven.

She just assured me.

She’d destroy the law firm.

And I felt scared for Parker.

“Are you crazy?! Bakit ka nandito?!” sabi ko at saka hinatak si Maven papasok sa apartment ko. Hindi ko alam kung paanong nangyari ’to pero may mga reporter sa labas ng bahay ko.

Na para bang sa loob ng 24 oras, bumaligtad ang buhay ko.

“You weren’t answering calls,” he said.

“Wala naman kasi akong sasabihin sa ’yo.”

There’s no way I’d marry him. His mom needed to point a gun at my head if she really wanted me to marry her son.

“Have you talked to Parker?” he asked. Natahimik ako. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan si Parker… kung ano’ng nangyayari sa kanya… kung ano’ng plano niya.

Kung wala na ba talaga siyang pakielam kung magpakasal ako kay Maven.

I just… didn’t understand him.

He hated it when I kept things from him. And I promised him that I’d tell him everything… pero bakit wala siya ngayon? Bakit hindi niya ako tanungin kung ano talaga ’yung nangyari?

Ni hindi ko na ba deserve kahit benefit of the doubt lang galing sa kanya?

“Just go, Maven.”

I couldn’t tell him that the reason why I would die first than marry him wasn’t even talking to me.

That he just disappeared and made me feel like I was alone in this fight. O kung laban pa nga ba ’tong matuturing kasi pakiramdam ko, matatalo naman ako kahit ano pa ang gawin ko.

Maven just looked at me.

“Guards will be assigned to protect you.”

“I won’t be your wife.”

He looked at me. “I know.”

“Then get the hell out—”

“But you’re my friend, Genesis. Let me protect you,” he said, staring into my eyes. I didn’t say anything. This was his fault. This was my fault.

I just wanted to be with Parker, but life’s making it so fucking hard.

---

Sinubukan ko na lumabas, pero ni hindi man lang ako makalabas. Cameras were pointing at me like I was some superstar. My neighbors didn’t even make an effort para itago na pinagchichismisan nila ako.

I was just about to tell them to fuck off when I was ushered by men in uniform.

“This way, Ma’am,” the guy said, leading the way to a car. I wanted to argue, but there were just a plethora of nosy people outside my apartment. It was useless to even stay there! Ni hindi ako makapag-aral.

And it’s not as if I could go to the school.

Wala akong mukhang ihaharap sa kanila.

Kasi lahat ng masasamang tawag, nabasa at narinig ko na. Na kesyo malandi daw ako, pokpok, bayarang babae. Na inakit ko raw si Maven para pakasalan ako. Na malamang ako rin daw ’yung nagpakalat ng video.

It was all about me.

It was all my fault.

Ni wala akong narinig tungkol kay Maven.

Sabagay, palagi namang babae ang may kasalanan. Bakit ba ako nagtataka?

“Where are we heading, Ma’am?” tanong nung lalaki.

“Ibaba niyo na lang ako sa gilid.”

I stared at my phone, still got nothing from Parker.

“Hindi po pwede. Protocol na bantayan ka palagi.”

“Hindi ako girlfriend ng amo niyo, okay? Hindi ako member ng first family at wala akong balak sumama sa magulo nilang mundo. Ibaba niyo na lang ako sa gilid basta malayo sa mga press,” I told the guy.

I was just really pissed off at everyone.

“If you don’t have a particular destination, we’ll bring you to Maven’s house,” the guy said. I gritted my teeth. Ang kulit!

“Just bring me to Parker’s house.”

Nanatili akong tahimik habang hinihintay na makarating kami sa bahay ni Parker. I didn’t even know why I asked them to bring me there. It’s not like I belonged there…

It’s not like I belonged anywhere.

Pagdating ko roon, mabilis akong bumaba. Dumiretso ako papasok sa bahay ni Parker, umaasa na nandoon siya… pero syempre wala siya.

Where the fuck was he hiding?!

Was he hiding in the place where he hid his balls?!

My hands were shaking in anger when I realized that I was hearing Parker’s voice. Agad akong napahinto.

I wanted to run and slap him and hug him all at the same time. Hindi ko na maintindihan iyong sarili ko pagdating sa kanya. He was hurting me, yet I wanted to stay.

I didn’t know if it was healthy anymore…

But I promised him that I would stay.

And I’d do anything to keep my promise.

Kahit pa maubos ako.

Because he’s been through enough. Because for once, I wanted him to feel how it feels like to be the choice… and not just a mere option.

I wanted him to know the feeling of being chosen.

I just… wanted to give him the world. Only if he’d let me. And if he’d stop running away and keeping me in the dark.

“I’m sorry, Pa.”

“This is your Mom’s—”

“Legacy, I know. But… I don’t want to live in the past, Pa. I don’t want to hold on to the past. Hindi ako si Mama. Hindi ako kagaya niya na hindi maka-move on. Alam ko masakit sa kanya na mawala ’yung kapatid niya, pero unfair naman sa akin na pinilit niya akong ipagpatuloy ’yung buhay ng kapatid niya. Hindi niyo ba naisip ’yun?

“Didn’t you even think that maybe… maybe I deserved a life of my own? One that didn’t involve me following someone else’s footsteps? One that didn’t involve me trying to outlive someone who’s been dead for so long?”

“Parker—”

“Don’t even say my name, Pa. Pati pangalan ko… shit.”

Katahimikan.

“I’m sorry, okay? I know how important this is to you. This is her life’s work. Pero kung may pakielam ka talaga, bakit mo ako iniwan dito? Akala mo ba kaya ko na? Ikaw lang ba ’yung nawalan? Asawa ’yung nawala sa ’yo, Pa… Sa ’kin nanay.

“Iyong nanay na kahit kailan hindi ko naramdaman na nanay kasi parang kapatid ’yung turing niya. Na hanggang sa mamatay siya, gusto niya si Imo pa rin para sa akin.

“I just… hate her, you know? I hate her so fucking much. That even in her death, she couldn’t give me the peace I fucking deserved. And I hate myself more because even though I wanted to just fucking give that lawfirm up, hindi ko pa rin magawa.”

Parker’s voice broke.

“I just… want to stop caring. I just wanna be selfish. I just want a life of my own.”

My chest was tightening.

I’ve never heard him bare himself so much.

To hear from him how broken a soul he actually was.

“Okay.”

Silence.

“Do that.” Pause. “Stop caring. Be selfish. Live a life. Just go.”

Bigla akong natigilan.

“What?” Parker asked.

“Go. I’ll handle this myself. I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Pa…”

Silence.

Shit.

Naramdaman ko iyong yabag ni Parker. Hindi ako makagalaw. I was stuck. Did… that really just happen?

Gustuhin ko mang magtago, hindi ko magawa. Masyadong mabilis iyong mga pangyayari. Hindi ko na namalayan na nasa harap ko si Parker.

He didn’t look shocked.

It was like he was expecting me.

“I’ll tell you something,” he said.

I remained silent.

“Don’t ask me why,” he continued.

I nodded.

“I’ll be really, really selfish,” he went on.

I caught my breath.

“Let’s runaway.”

He held my hand… and I let him take me. Because he didn’t deserve another no… and I really wanted to say yes.

Kabanata 41

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 41 

I didn’t know where we were headed.

I didn’t even ask him.

Sabi niya kasi, ’wag magtanong. And for once, I didn’t want to contest his decision. Gusto ko lang sumunod sa kanya.

I slept during the duration of the ride. Nang magising ako, puro palayan na iyong nakita ko. I was sure we were in some province, but even then, I didn’t ask him where we were.

“Good morning,” he greeted when he caught me opening my eyes. “I bought coffee,” he said at saka tinuro niya iyong cupholder sa sasakyan niya.

Carefully, I lifted the coffee and drank it. Tahimik kong tinignan iyong paligid namin. My mind couldn’t help but wonder… nasaan kami? Paano ’yung school? Drop na ba kami?

Paano ’yung tatay niya?

All these questions begging to be asked…

I begged them to shut up.

“Aren’t you curious?” he asked.

“Saan?”

“About anything.”

I shook my head. “I already spent a lot of thinking and wondering for the past few days. Gusto ko munang ipahinga iyong isip ko,” I replied and then I looked at him and smiled. “Besides, no questions, right?”

You really couldn’t judge a book by its cover. Outside, Parker seemed too perfect. From the outside, you’d think that there’s nothing he would ever probably want because he seemed like he already got everything figured out. But if you take a closer look, you’d see all the flaws. And the battle scars.

Because deep inside, he just wanted to be happy. Like everyone else. Pero hindi naman kasi pare-pareho iyong pinagdadaanan ng lahat… It just happened that his journey’s a little more jarring than everyone else’s.

“Where do you want to stay?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Kahit saan.”

“Hotel or house? Apartment?”

I pressed the windows down. I smiled. “There,” I said, looking at the beach. “Can we stay there?”

Luckily, there was an available beach hut for us. Si Parker iyong nakipag-usap sa babae habang ako naman, nakaupo lang sa buhangin. I listened to the sounds of the waves. I watched as the sky was starting to turn colors. I smiled at the birds flying.

Damn, this felt relaxing.

“There’s a market twenty minutes from here. We can buy things from there,” he said.

“Dito muna tayo,” I said, still looking at the beach in front of us.

Tahimik na naupo si Parker. Pareho kaming naka-tingin sa mga alon na papunta sa amin.

“This feels nice,” he said.

I smiled. “Yeah…”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay.”

“Won’t you ask me what I’m apologizing for?” tanong niya sa akin.

I shook my head. “Whatever it is, it’s okay,” I told him.

“I was a jerk.”

“You were… but that’s okay,” I said and then looked at him. “Can we not think about our problems? Kahit ngayong araw lang?”

I knew pretending that everything’s alright wouldn’t solve anything… that we’re just delaying the inevitable… but I felt like we both deserved a break.

To be happy.

To be a normal couple.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay?” tanong ko ng naka-ngiti.

Unti-unting napa-ngiti si Parker. “Yeah, okay.”

---

We were holding hands. Like normal couples do. Halos papagabi na nung makarating kami sa palengke kaya naman wala ng masyadong tao. It’s probably for the best. That scandal was everywhere. My face was everywhere. I just wished that this town wasn’t big on television or Internet, because I just really wanted a break from everything.

“Ano’ng gusto mong kainin?” I asked him habang tumitingin ako sa mga gulay. Napansin ko na naka-tingin na naman si Parker sa carrots at talong. I frowned. “Alam mo, bakit pati gulay binabastos mo?”

“What? Wala naman akong ginagawa,” he defended his perverted self.

Inilayo ko sa kanya iyong talong. “Napaka-bastos mong lalaki talaga,” sabi ko habang napapailing.

Parker laughed. “Wala naman akong ginagawa!”

“Iiwasan tayo ng grasya kapag ganyang napaka-bastos mo.”

Parker smiled and held me by my waist. “But you’re here with me. I think grace is on my side.”

I bit my lip. Hinampas ko siya nung talong. “Heh. Walang talong para sa ’yo.”

Parker laughed and then hugged me. “Para sa ’yo kasi.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Ang landi talaga! Parang wala kaming tinakbuhan sa Manila na problema, ah!

“Puro ka talong,” I hissed.

“Gusto mo naman,” he replied.

“Ewan ko sa ’yo,” I said and then proceeded to buying food for us. Nakasunod lang si Parker sa akin at saka siya ang nagbabayad at nagbubuhat ng mga pinamili ko. I couldn’t help but smile to myself. God, this was what I wanted. Ganito lang. Iyong sobrang normal lang? Wala akong pakielam kung boring para sa iba… ganito lang talaga ’yung gusto ko.

To go to the market with him. To hold hands. To joke around.

All the normal things with him.

“Done?” Parker asked. Labas na iyong ugat sa braso niya dahil sa bigat ng pinamili ko. I smiled to myself. Na-miss ko sila.

I nodded. “Hindi ba tayo bibili ng damit?” tanong ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung gaano kami katagal dito.

“We won’t need clothes. We’ll be naked like the day we were born,” he said.

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata. May matanda kaya sa likod niya!

“Mamaya ka na nga gumanyan dito sa palengke!” I hissed.

He laughed. “Since when did you become coy?”

“Hindi ako coy. Pakitaan kita dyan mamaya.”

He nodded like an eager boy. “Yes, please.”

Kinurot ko ’yung ilong niya. Bigla niya akong hinalikan.

“Parker!”

He smiled. “Sorry. It felt like forever since I last kissed you.”

Oo nga. Parang ang tagal na… pero last week lang naman ’yun. Pero ayoko talagang isipin muna iyong mga problema. I just wanted to be with Parker right now. Bahala na muna sila sa eleksyon nila.

---

Contrary to Parker’s suggestion, I bought us clothes. He was against it dahil plano niya daw talaga na magkulong lang kami. Utak talaga nun.

“Gen,” sabi niya tapos kinalabit ako.

“What?”

“You heard what I said to my dad, right?”

I stilled.

“Do you wanna stay here?” tanong niya.

“Dito?”

He nodded and then wrapped his arm around my waist. “Here in the Philippines. Do you wanna stay here?”

“Ha? Bakit?”

He pulled me close and I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. His hand was tracing patterns on the skin of my waist. “Canada sounds good. Sabi ng kapatid ni Gen, okay daw dun.”

“Canada?”

He nodded. “Yeah… we can go there and just wing it from there,” he said and then kissed my nape. “But if it’s alright with you. If you want to stay here, then I’m here, too.”

Bigla akong napaupo.

“What about school?”

He was laying there. He closed his eyes. “I’m quitting school.” Napaawang ang labi ko. “I just never attended school because I wanted to. It’s always about someone else. It used to be about my mom. Then about Imo. Never about me.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Dinilat niya iyong mga mata niya.

“I’m not happy with law school, Gen. I don’t like staying up all night to study. I don’t like defending someone just because it’s my job. I don’t like staying at the firm and practically live there. I don’t want to pretend to care just because we’re paid to do so.”

Naupo rin siya. He cupped my face.

“But if you want to study, I’ll support you.”

Hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita. Everything’s just happening too fast. Too sudden. Too… much.

“Hindi ba nabibigla ka lang sa mga sinasabi mo?” tanong ko sa kanya.

Umiling siya. “I thought about this for so long, Gen. I’m sorry if you think I left you. I just wanted to think things through. I messed up a lot of times before. I don’t want to mess things up now.” He looked at me. “You’re it for me, Gen. If it’s not you after all this time, I’m just done.”

And it scared me.

How he sounded so sure.

The ultimatum in his voice.

“Think about it,” he said and then stared into my eyes. “Tell me you’ll at least think about it.”

I looked at him.

I couldn’t say no to him.

“Okay,” I said, nodding.

Parker leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back, but at the back of my mind, I was thinking if this was right… to just run away from everybody.

To just forget everything.

To just let everyone be damned.

---

I stared at Parker’s sleeping face.

Kung… aalis kaming dalawa, matatahimik kami. Matatahimik siya. But was it right? To just abandone everyone?

“Morning,” he said when he opened his eyes. “What time is it?” he asked, his voice husky.

“It’s quarter to six,” I told him. I smiled at him. He looked especially good in the morning—lalo na kapag gulu-gulo iyong buhok niya. “Wanna watch the sunrise with me?”

We both got dressed up and went outside. Magkahawak kamay kaming naglakad sa dalampasigan. Walang nagsasalita sa amin. We just enjoyed the waves and silence.

“Okay,” I said in the middle of nowhere.

He looked at me, confused. “What?”

“Okay, let’s go to Canada.” Napaawang ang labi niya. “Let’s run from everything.”

I was waiting for his reaction… kahit kaunting sigaw? O kahit fistbump sa ere? But he was just stuck in his place!

“Parker?” I said, poking him. “Huy.”

He blinked a few times and then ran back to the hut. Pagbalik niya, tumayo siya sa harap ko.

“Wait lang,” he said.

I rolled my eyes. “Kahit thank you lang sana sa pagpayag ko.”

He laughed. “Wait, Gen.”

“Nakaka-bwisit ka,” sabi ko sa kanya. I was about to continue when I saw him looking at the sea. Napaawang iyong labi ko. The sun was rising… Ang ganda.

“Parker, look—”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

“We’ll probably fight a lot. I’ll probably make you want to kill me. You’ll probably piss the hell out of me. It’s a lot of probably, actually… but I’m excited about all that probability,” he said and then slowly opened the box. Kinagat ko nang mabuti iyong labi ko para pigilan ko iyong pag-iyak ko.

“Ours is a story not often told. It’s really not romantic, if you think about it. It’s mostly us fighting and pissing each other off, but I’d never have it any other way, Gen. You’re the one who I want to piss me off for the rest of my life. You’re the one I want to go through all the struggle.”

Nagsimula ng tumulo iyong luha ko.

“Maybe our story isn’t one for the books… but I don’t care. Because it’s the story that led us to this,” he said and then held the ring. “It’s the story that will give us that happy ending that I badly wanted.”

He reached for my hand.

“Give me that happy ending?” he asked.

Tears just fell.

Continuously.

Ganito ba ’yung pakiramdam ng sobrang saya?

“Please say yes,” he breathed. “I’ll burn that book if it’s not you at the last page.”

I cried and smiled and laughed. I reached for the ring and wore it.

“Of course, Parker. Of course,” I told him and kissed him.

Kabanata 42

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 42 

Parker wanted to finalize everything first before we go back to Manila. Ilang araw naming inasikaso iyong wedding permit, kumuha ng seminars—everything we needed to get married.

He just wanted to be sure.

“Gen,” he said. We were sitted by the shore again. It was so serene—I almost didn’t want to go anywhere else.

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.”

Hinarap ko siya. “Pang twenty five na sorry mo na ’yan simula nung dumating tayo,” sabi ko sa kanya. He’s just sorry about practically everything. Na para bang kapag may maling nangyari, automatic na siya ang may kasalanan. It pissed me to know that he’s been traumatized enough to automoatically assume that he’s the one at fault.

“I just…” He paused. “You deserve a church wedding.”

“A beach wedding would be nice,” I told him. “But seriously, I don’t care kahit saan pa. Wala na naman akong pamilya, so it’ll be pretty weird for me… Walang maglalakad sa akin papunta sa altar.”

He sighed. “I should’ve asked for your parent’s permission first. They might think that I’m disrespectful.”

“Parker, you screwed me in both private and public places. I think they already think you’re disrespectful,” sabi ko. Napa-simangot naman siya. I laughed. “Seriously, okay lang talaga. ’Wag ka ngang magsorry nang magsorry. Hindi lahat kasalanan mo, okay?”

“My dad can walk you to the altar,” he said. “He’ll like you.”

Natahimik ako. Hindi ko kasi sure kung magugustuhan talaga ako ng Papa niya. Parker gave up that law firm for me. Maiintindihan ko naman kung aayawan niya ako.

I shrugged to mask the uncertainty.

“I promise, he’ll like you,” he said, holding my hand.

I smiled. “Talaga?”

He nodded. “Yeah… remember when I told you that you remind me of someone?”

Tumango rin ako. “Akala ko nga si Imo, e,” I said and then laughed. “Pero nung nakilala ko si Imo, I realized how wrong I was.”

“You’re the exact opposite of Imo.”

I eyed him. “Dapat ba akong kabahan?”

Umiling siya at saka hinatak ako papalapit sa kanya. He wrapped his arms around me and then planted a kiss on my head. I smiled. I loved it when he’s like this. Sana palagi na lang kaming ganito.

Parker rested his head on top of mine.

“Bakit mo ako nagustuhan?” I asked him. It kept me up at night sometimes. What did he see in me? I just really didn’t understand. He’s… Parker. He practically had everything.

“I don’t really know,” he replied.

“Maganda ba ako?”

“Yeah.”

“Napipilitan ka lang, e.”

He laughed and then planted another kiss on the top of my head. “To be honest?” I nodded against his chest. “You promise you’ll still marry me if I’ll be totally honest right now?”

Kinurot ko siya. “Sobrang pangit ko ba sa paningin mo kaya may ganyang disclaimer kang nalalaman?”

He laughed again. Could he just keep on laughing? Parker’s laughter would always be my favorite sound. His face my favorite view. His love my favorite feeling.

And he’d always be my favorite person.

“You may not be as pretty as my ex—”

“Tread lightly, Palma. Hindi pa tayo kasal,” I warned him.

He laughed again. “You’re just… different. In a good way,” he said and then hugged me tighter. “If you didn’t pull my lanyard the first day we met, I probably wouldn’t have noticed you.”

I broke the hug and then frowned at him. “Hindi kaya ’yun ’yung una nating pagkikita.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “What?”

“Sa rooftop,” I said. His face remained clueless. “Umiiyak ako nun kasi nahuli ko si Tristan na—”

“Can we please not talk about that fucker?”

“Pero kasi iyon nga ‘yung una nating pagkikita!” I whined. “Nagsisigarilyo ka pa nga nun, e.” Nakakunot iyong noo niya pa rin. “Tapos sabi mo, ’ A bad day ends in 24 hours. You can always start tomorrow.’ “

Recognition shot through his face.

“If it weren’t for you, I probably would’ve stayed with…” I left my sentence hanging. Parker really had a sore spot for Tristan. Muntik na nga niyang bigyan ng permanent brain damage iyong tao. Akala niya porke doctor e self-healing si Tristan.

A smile dawned on his face.

“Things really fall into place, huh?” he asked. “That was a shitty time for me. I was glad that you were there.”

I smiled at him, too. “I just wish na nandito sila Nari at Preston.”

Parker wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulled me close, and rested my head against his shoulder. Nanatili kami na ganoon hanggang sa dumilim na.

---

The next morning, dumiretso agad kami sa City Hall. I wasn’t really sure about what’s happening dahil wala naman akong alam sa pagpapakasal. My engagement with Tristan didn’t even reach the planning period. Binigyan niya lang yata ako ng singsing para matahimik ako.

I could tell that Parker was nervous. Gusto kong matawa.

“Para kang sira,” I told him while we were waiting. Apparently, marami palang nagpapakasal ngayon.

“I’m just nervous,” he said and then held my hand. “I have a feeling that something will go wrong.”

I squeezed his hand. “Nothing will go wrong,” I told him. “You’re here. I’m here. Ito na talaga ’yun.”

Siguro naman kapag legally na kami kasal ni Parker, hindi na eepal pa ’yung nanay ni Maven. Sumosobra na kasi siya kapag hindi pa rin siya tumigil. Alam naman niya sa sarili niya na walang nangyari sa amin ng anak niya. Ika nga ni Preston, asexual si Maven.

Baka kaya desperada siya na pakasalan ko si Maven dahil alam niya na wala talagang interes ang anak niya sa babae. Na mas interesado pa si Maven sa libro.

We were third in line to get married. Si Parker, parang gusto na lang pilitin na mauna na kami. Hindi talaga siya mapakali kahit nandito na kami mismong dalawa.

Tahimik akong naghihintay when he stood up. Pinabayaan ko na. After a while, he returned and he was pulling me up.

“Let’s go,” he said.

“Ha?” naguguluhan ko na tanong.

He didn’t say a word—he just pulled me with him. Diretso siyang naglakad pababa hanggang sa makalabas kami ng munisipyo. Gusto kong magtanong kung ano ang nangyayari, pero parang mas matataranta lang si Parker kapag nagtanong ako kaya naman pinabayaan ko na.

After a few minutes of driving around, we stopped in front of a beach. It was different from the one we were staying at. This one’s got bluer shade.

Bumaba kami at saka nagsimulang maglakad. Nahihirapan ako dahil may heels iyong suot ko. Parker saw me struggling kaya lumuhod siya sa harap ko at saka tinanggal iyong suot ko.

I frowned. “What?” he asked.

“Nagheels na nga ako para hindi ka na mag-effort na yumuko kapag hinalikan mo ako, e.”

He laughed. “I like how you’re smaller than me,” he said. “Let’s hurry.”

Dumiretso kami sa paglalakad kahit hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang ginagawa namin dito. Tumigil kami sa gitna ng dalampasigan. May lalaki na nakatayo doon.

My forehead was just creased with confusion.

“Our story isn’t exactly ideal, but I want our wedding to at least be your ideal,” he said.

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Akala ko—”

He smiled at me. “I really wanted to marry you right there, but I couldn’t help but remember that you want a beach wedding.”

“Parker—”

“I got a judge to officiate this wedding. I also called Preston, but they couldn’t come here,” he said.

“You didn’t have to…”

“But I want to,” he said. “I just want to give you everything if I can, Genesis.” He got his phone from his hand and then showed me. “Preston and Nari couldn’t come, but this is the next best thing,” sabi niya at saka pinakita sa akin na nasa screen si Nari at Preston.

Mas lalong napaawang ang labi ko.

“Congrats!” Nari shrieked. “Bakit ngayon niyo lang sinabi?! Sana nandyan din kami!”

“Congrats, Gen,” Preston said with a smile.

Napa-tingin ako kay Parker.

“I want to fulfill all your wishes,” he said. My lips began to shiver. God, he’s just… God, Parker. “It may not be exactly like you want—”

“It’s perfect,” I said, tears threatening to fall. “Thank you, Parker.”

He smiled at me, too. Our smiles spoke the words we wanted to say.

The judge began the wedding. I was just staring at Parker, thankful for his presence in my life. I was just happy that he’s here and he chose me. Na kahit ilang beses na pareho na naming muntik sukuan ang isa’t-isa, we both held on…

And now, we’re here.

Our happy ending’s finally at reach.

When we finally said our I do, I knew that we’re almost there.

Nandito na talaga.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride,” the judge said. I heard Nari shrieking from the background, but my eyes were on Parker.

I smiled at him. “I’ll tiptoe.”

He shook his head, smiling. “I’ll bend in, for a change.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko habang natawa naman siya. We were laughing when we first shared our kiss as husband and wife.

“God, I love you,” he said when our lips parted.

“Same,” I said, laughing.

---

The judge told us that we should file our marriage license immediately, but we were having a lot of fun. This was better than what I had imagined. I was with three of my favorite people…

We were laughing and talking while sitting on the shore when Preston broke the news.

“Parker,” he said. His face was aghast.

My smile quickly faded.

“Uncle Tripp…” he began.

Parker’s grip on my hand loosened.

“He went into a cardiac arrest.”

Horror washed over Parker’s face.

I didn’t understand what happened. Everything went by a blur. Mabilis kaming bumalik sa Maynila at dumiretso sa ospital. Parker was talking to the doctor. I wanted to be there for him, but he wasn’t talking. He wasn’t saying anything and it scared me.

Tahimik akong naghihintay nang may marinig akong magsalita sa likuran ko.

“Do you want to be the reason why Parker’ becomes an orphan?”

Agad na napaawang ang labi ko. Bumigat iyong paghinga ko. “I’m married, and Maven’s not even my boyfriend! At hindi ako ’yung nasa video! Bakit ba ayaw mo akong tigilan?!” sigaw ko sa kanya. Mas matanda siya sa akin pero wala na talaga akong respeto sa kanya. She’s ruining lives just for a fucking election!

“The public doesn’t care about the truth. It’s all about perception, Genesis,” Maven’s mom said. I gritted my teeth. “And it’s not just about you. My family is Parker’s client. He’s legally bound to protect us at all cost. We’ll bring this to court and drag this forever, Genesis.”

“For a fucking election?!”

She smiled. “Our family doesn’t like losing.”

“I’m married!” I cried in frustration. Ano ba ang dapat kong sabihin para tigilan niya na ako?!

“No, you’re not,” she said and then looked at the paper I was holding. “As long as you don’t file that, you’re not married.”

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa papel. Umiling ako. “No.”

I promised Parker his happy ending. I wouldn’t give him another reason to hate the world.

“I’m not yet done,” she warned and then gave me a card. “Call me when you change your mind.” I watched her as she walked away, wishing that in between those steps, she’d fall down to the pits of hell where she belonged.

But she was right… because as days passed by, the situation got worse. And then it got worst.

“You made the right call,” she said as we watched the wedding license burst into flames.

Kabanata 43

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 43 

“We don’t have to come, you know?”

I fixed my earrings and looked at the mirror. “And what? Miss the opportunity to piss your mom?” I turned back and looked at him. “Is Jere sleeping already?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. He slept after reading his book.”

I sighed. “Are you dressed?” He nodded again. “Just wait for me downstairs. I’ll just check on Jere.”

Umakyat ako at saka pumasok sa kwarto ni Jeremiah. He’s on his bed, sleeping. I sat down on the edge and then ran my fingers through his hair. He looked so serene. I bent down and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“Mama will be back,” I told him and then went down.

“Do you really wanna go?” he asked. I knew he didn’t approve of my relationship with his mom. But when I agreed to her stupid plan, I promised myself that I’d never make it easy for her. That I’d ruin her mood every chance I get.

I nodded. “Yes. I wanna go.”

“But if you’ll just fight—”

“I don’t fight with your mom, Maven. We just don’t like each other.”

He sighed. “I don’t really understand you women.”

When we reached the destination, people were already talking to each other like they’re all friends. Kadiri. I’d always known that politics is such a dirty world, but I just realized that what I knew was just the tip of the ice berg.

And when we saw Maven’s mom approaching, Maven held my elbow and whispered, “I haven’t slept yet, Gen. Please don’t make this night hard.”

Kinunutan ko siya ng noo. “Then you should’ve stayed at home and take care of Jere.”

“Just… pretend to be nice,” he said, tired. He’s been reviewing like crazy for the BAR exam. It’s not like he needed to. He’s so smart.

When Maven’s mom finally graced us with her presence, I pasted a smile on my face. “Fancy seeing you here,” I said.

She leaned in and kissed both my cheeks. “You, too,” she said and then turned to Maven. “Where’s Jeremiah?”

“Sleeping,” Maven simply replied. “I’ll just go to the bathroom. Please don’t fight,” he pleaded.

Nang makaalis si Maven, agad ding naalis iyong ngiti sa mukha naming dalawa. I used to think that it only happened in TV—iyon bang magkagalit iyong magbiyenan? But my relationship with Maven’s mom would put all that shows to shame.

“I specifically told you not to come,” she said.

“I don’t remember saying yes, Beatrice,” I replied.

“You’re not a part of this family,” she continued with gritted teeth.

I laughed. “What? You see yourself in me? ’Di ba hindi ka rin naman nila tanggap kaya nga ginagawa mo lahat ng gusto nila? You’re like their guard dog.”

She did everything to make sure that that freaking election would go on their side. She didn’t even care that she’s ruining someone else’s life.

Her lips parted.

“Beatrice, I’m nothing like you. I don’t suck up to the de Marcos because one, unlike you, I didn’t sign a pre-nup. And two, I just generally don’t care,” I told her and plastered a sweet smile on my face. How she hated me when Maven stood on his ground and said that there’s no way he’d marry me with a pre-nup tailing us. He said he’s guilty enough to ruin my life, he didn’t want a pre-nup for me.

And now, I was rich as hell… but that didn’t make anything better.

Her teeth were gritting in anger. I smiled wider.

“Anyway,” I said, tapping her shoulder. “I’ll enjoy the bar.”

I left her and looked for something to calm me down. I was downing my third glass for the night when my phone vibrated.

“Gen,” Nari said.

“What?”

“Wag mo nga akong bigyan ng attitude, malditang ’to! Ako na lang nagta-tyaga sa ’yo, tandaan mo!” she shouted. Bigla kong nilayo iyong phone mula sa tenga ko. God, three years had passed, but she remained the same.

“I’m sorry,” I conceded. “But why did you call?”

“Birthday kaya ni John next week! Magtatampo na ako sa ’yo ng very real kapag hindi ka na naman pumunta,” she said and I sighed. “Please? Dalhin mo na rin si Jere para may kalaro ’yung triplets.”

“I don’t know…”

“Promise, sasabihan ko si Preston na ’wag kang tignan.”

“E ’di mas lalong naging awkward.”

“Please, Gen?” she pleaded.

“Titignan ko…”

“Ayan ’yang mga titignan, e. It means hindi ka pupunta. Just please say yes. Wala naman si ano…”

Mas lalo akong natigilan.

“Titignan ko talaga, Nari. If not, I’ll just send a gift for John, okay?” sabi ko at saka mabilis na binaba iyong tawag. I placed my hand on the top of my chest. My heart was racing wildly.

I needed to get drunk.

---

“Are you going somewhere?” Maven asked. Binibihisan ko si Jere. Kakauwi ko lang galing sa mall para bumili ng regalo para kay John. I just got him an advanced book for Chemistry. Ewan ko ba sa bata na ’yun at ganoong libro ang binabasa.

I nodded and put baby powder on Jere’s body. “Yeah. Birthday ni John ngayon. Gusto mong sumama?”

“Are you serious?”

“Nagsasawa ka ng mag-away kami ng Mama mo, kayo naman ni Preston ang mag-away for a change,” I said. He frowned. Lumapit siya at saka kinuha iyong damit ni Jere. Siya iyong nagbihis.

“Text me when you get there,” he said.

Paghinto ng sasakyan, biglang lumakas iyong kabog ng dibdib ko. It had been so long since I last went here… hindi kasi ako makapunta. Preston hated my existence. If it wasn’t for Nari, he wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was in front of him.

And I couldn’t blame him.

I hated myself, too.

But I made a decision. And I’d do it again if need be.

I looked at Jere and smiled. “Greet Kuya John a happy birthday, okay?” He just smiled at me. I leaned in and kissed his chubby cheek.

Jeremiah wanted to walk kaya naman inalalayan ko na lang siya habang naglalakad. Papalapit pa lang kami sa bahay pero rinig ko na iyong sigawan ng mga bata. Biglang na-excite si Jere kaya nagsimulang tumakbo. Pinabayaan ko na lang. Bihira kasing makakita ng bata kaya sobrang ma-excite.

“Careful, baby,” I warned habang naka-sunod sa kanya.

Pagpasok ko, agad ko na nakita sila Mary at Saint. Austin was also there. There were other people whom I didn’t know. Para ring may welga sa dami ng bata na nagtatakbuhan at sumisigaw.

“You came!” Nari said when she saw me.

“You kinda threatened me,” I said when she was crushing me in a hug.

“Sus. Ganun lang pala dapat para magpakita ka.”

She ushered me to a more private part of their house. Like Nari told me, maraming sikretong lugar ’tong bahay nila.

“Thanks for coming, Gen. It really means a lot to me,” she said. I smiled. I really wasn’t a big fan of going out unless I was required by the family. Kapag kasi nasa labas ako, pinagtitinginan ako ng mga tao. I would never outgrow that fucking scandal.

And what infuriated me the most was Jeremiah being dubbed as a result of that scandal. Those fucking pigs. Pati inosenteng bata dinadamay.

“Where’s John? I have his gift,” I said and then handed her the paper bag. “Does he have an Advanced Calculus book already? Just asking para ready na ’yung Christmas gift ko.”

Nari laughed. “Yeah. Pero ang gusto niya ngayon ay mga interesting facts,” she mentioned. Hindi ko talaga alam kung saan nagmana si John. Hindi naman ganito ka-obsessed sa pagbabasa ang magulang niya.

We were in the middle of talking when Mary approached us. I smiled at her.

“Look at you,” I said, smiling. “You look good.”

She smiled back. “Thank you, Genesis,” she said and then carefully sat down.

“Wait lang, ha. Baka nababaliw na si Preston sa dami ng bata,” Nari said and then stood up. “Magpapadala ako ng food. D’yan na lang kayo.”

When Nari left, naiwan kami na nagtitinginan ni Imo. I didn’t know what to say.

“Jeremiah looks good,” she mentioned.

I smiled timidly. “Yeah, he’s growing up fast.”

“He looks like Parker.”

“No, he doesn’t,” I quickly said. “He’s Maven’s son.”

Imo looked at me. “Is he really?” she asked.

“Yes, he is. Can we please not talk about this?” Where’s a drink when you badly needed one?

Imo sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“It’s okay. But I’d really appreciate it if we don’t talk about him.”

It’s been three years. I wanted to move on… but of course I couldn’t. Every time I’d close my eyes, I’d remember him crying. Begging. Asking me to not do this to him. Asking me not to break him.

She nodded. “Okay… but will you come to my birthday? It’s just a simple dinner.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

If Preston hated the sight of me, Mary’s mother hated the mere idea of me.

She was about to convince me when we both heard a name that made the both of us stop breathing.

“Uncle Parker! You came!” John’s voice was so loud that it made my heart go wild. My hands began to get cold. Fear began to creep in my system.

I heard his laughter.

Fuck.

“Of course.”

That fucking voice.

“Here’s your gift. Aunt Cindy picked that for you.”

I didn’t know what to feel.

“I’m sorry, Gen…” Imo said. “Parker just proposed to Cindy last night.”

I looked at her and smiled. I bit my tongue and willed myself not to cry. “It’s okay,” I said and then quickly excused myself.

Who the fuck said that time heals everything?

Kabanata 44

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 44 

The sun was still up, but I’d already had my sixth glass of wine. Nagsimula nang umuwi iyong mga tao pero nandito pa ako. Nandito pa rin ako. Nari kept on glaring at me while Mary looked like she wanted to hug me. Gusto ko ng umuwi pero masaya pang nakikipaglaro si Jere. I couldn’t take this from him.

At hindi ko alam kung paano ako gagalaw. I felt like the world just became too fucking complicated.

“Uuwi na ako.”

“What? Because of Parker?”

I almost immediately shook my head. “No. Hinahanap na ako ni Maven,” I answered and began to look for Jeremiah. I knew he’s just somewhere in this house.

I wanted to go home. I needed to go home.

“Parker’s outside with the other guys. Kung uuwi ka ngayon, makikita mo talaga siya,” Nari said.

I faced her. No words came out of my mouth.

Nari sighed. “Gen…”

Umiling ako. “No, please,” I said. “Don’t look like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re pitying me!” I snapped. I just… couldn’t deal with the stares anymore! Mas gugustuhin ko pa na pagtinginan nila ako dahil sa scandal dati kaysa iyong mga tingin nila sa akin habang nakikita nila na magkasama si Parker at Cindy.

Bigla siyang natahimik.

“I just… wanna go home. Please.”

Nari looked at me and sighed. “Okay… but please don’t avoid me. Us. Si Parker lang naman ’yung gusto mong iwasan, ’di ba?”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Maglolokohan pa ba tayo, Genesis? It’s been three years! Tapos ako? Mga five times pa lang kitang nakikita? Alam ko naman ayaw mong makita si Parker, pero bakit pati ako ayaw mo na?”

I looked at her, loss for words. How would I tell her that I couldn’t see her because everyone around her hated me? Preston, Preston’s mom… they all hated me for what I did to Parker.

I hated myself, too. Hindi ba nila alam ’yun?

“You’re my friend, okay? I’m here for you… pero hindi ko magagawa ’yun kung tinutulak mo lahat palayo sa ’yo,” she said. I wanted to say sorry, but that would feel like a lie. Because she’s right. I did everything to avoid her. To avoid anything that might remind me of Parker.

Kasi kahit alam ko na tama ’yung ginawa ko, sa paningin nila, mali.

“Just wait here. I’ll ask them to stay at the dining room tapos umalis ka na,” she coldly said and then left me. I just watched her leave… alam ko naman na alam niya na matagal ulit bago kami magkita.

God, Manila’s just getting smaller and smaller.

While I was waiting for Nari’s signal, halos manigas ako sa kinauupuan ko nang mapagtanto ko na boses ni Mary at Cindy ang naririnig ko. God, I really couldn’t take a break!

“Congrats pala ulit,” Mary said.

“Thank you!” Cindy replied. Even her voice sounded happy.

“Do you have a date already?” Mary asked.

“As of now, wala pa, e. He just proposed last night. I’m still feeling elated,” she replied.

“Buti nagyes ka na?” Mary asked.

“Well, yeah… I think he’s serious na. I mean, when he proposed last year, I turned him down because I wasn’t sure if he’s serious… you know? After all the fiasco…” she knowingly said. My heart constricted.

Parker proposed twice.

He really wanted to marry her.

Fuck. Sumisikip ’yung dibdib ko.

“But I think this time, it’s for real,” Cindy said. I was in panic. I needed a drink. I needed something to calm me down. Ayokong umiyak. Hindi dito.

“Parker deserves some peace. His life’s just really crazy. I hope when we finally get married, we can settle down somewhere we’re we’ll both be at peace.”

I didn’t know what I was doing… until Nari was in front of me, panicking.

“Gen!” she hissed.

Doon lang ako natauhan. I just broke the glass I was holding. And my hand was bleeding.

---

I had to go to a hospital for a quick stitch. Shards of glass cut deep. Ni hindi ko naramdaman kung hindi pa sinabi ni Nari. But I pretended that I was in pain. I just needed something to make what I was feeling go away.

“Gen,” Maven said.

“What?”

“We need to go to Abuela’s house for dinner.”

I looked at him. “Can I not go?” I asked. I just wasn’t in the mood to play nice in front of his relatives. Sa nanay niya lang naman ako matapang na makipag-away. His other relatives scare the living daylights out of me.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, sounding really apologetic. “They said there’s some announcement, so everyone’s required to come.”

Agad na umawang ang labi ko.

Why the fuck was the world too small for us?

“What?” Maven asked when he notice the change in my expression. “Did something happen? You’ve been dodging my question since last night.”

When we came home last night, agad kong pinasa sa kanya si Jere para hindi niya ako tanungin kung bakit may sugat ko. I just… was tired. I felt like I was defeated even when the fight was long over.

It was just stupid.

I already gave him up a long time ago. Why was I acting like this?

I looked at Maven. We promised to be honest, even when it’s brutal. I had always told him how I’d never make it easy for his mother. And he’d always been sorry for dragging me in his family’s charade.

“I saw Parker last night,” I began.

“Did you talk?”

I looked at him incredulously. “Are you serious? Do you seriously expect him to talk to me?” tanong ko sa kanya. He was there. He was there to witness the moment when Parker gave up on me.

When I made him give up on me.

For all the fucking world to see.

Kaya bakit sa tingin niya ako kakausapin ni Parker?

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s been three years.”

Three years seemed long… but it didn’t. It still felt like yesterday.

“He’s marrying Cindy, you know?” I said. I wasn’t expecting any reaction from Maven. Living with him for three years, I knew better than to expect him to be sympathetic. He’s just… logical and rational. He never let emotion got the best of him.

Sometimes, I wished I was just like him.

I wished I didn’t care much.

“That’s the announcement for tomorrow’s dinner.” I smiled. “It’s just… so stupid, you know? Three years ago, I was about to marry him. And now, he’s about to be what? My cousin-in-law? That’s so fucked up, right?”

Maven looked at me. “You wanna go to Singapore tomorrow?”

I smiled at him. At least he’s trying. I knew it’s hard for him to comfort me. It’s just not his niche.

“I want to, but I can’t escape him forever… lalo na kung magiging ka-pamilya pala natin siya.”

God, this was just too fucked up.

“For what it’s worth, he really loved you,” he said.

Loved.

I never hated tense as much as I do now.

---

The thing about Maven’s family is that they’re scary in a really subtle way. You wouldn’t see them glaring at you; they’d smile. You wouldn’t hear them saying shit about you; they’d even greet you. Pretty normal, right? But the thing was, they’d never let you feel like you belong. It’s like you’re there… but not really. You’d feel like an outsider looking for a place to belong.

Kaya siguro nabaliw na rin si Beatrice. She’s a sucker for validation, obvious naman. Ang magandang nagawa niya lang siguro sa pamilya na ’to ay ang ipanganak si Maven at Addie.

“We’ll leave immediately,” Maven said while carrying Jere.

“As if your mom will let us,” I said with a smile habang nakikita ko na papalapit na iyong ibang kamag-anak ni Maven.

“You’re too early,” Aunt Meredith said while kissing both our cheeks. “Little Jeremiah,” she said, pinching Jere’s cheeks. “Your cousins are playing. Go play with them,” she said.

Nang makaalis na si Jeremiah, tiningnan niya kaming dalawa ni Maven.

“I want tonight to go as peaceful as possible,” she said while smiling.

“Of course,” I replied, my nails digging on my palms.

Then she turned at Maven. “Mama wants to talk to you,” she said and then left.

Maven looked at me and I just nodded at him. It’s not like I could keep him from his Abuela—she’s the scariest of them all! She’s so old, but still so scary!

Habang mag-isa na lang ako, pinili ko na maglakad palabas. I was alone and this huge manor made me feel more alone. And I couldn’t even drink because they’d silently judge me for being a drunkard while willingly pouring drink in my glass.

Ito na siguro ’yung tinatawag na highly dysfunctional family.

I was outside sitting alone when Psalm sat beside me.

“You’re here early.”

“You’re here early, too,” I replied.

He shrugged. “I was surprised that you’ll be here. I made a bet with Austin that you’ll ditch.”

“I seriously think that you boys have a gambling problem.”

He laughed. “But seriously, I think you know why we’re here, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah… but what’s the use of not going, right? When I’d be seeing them get married, anyway.”

“So… no shouting ‘stop this wedding?’” he asked.

“Psalm Christian, I’m legally married to your cousin,” I told him.

He shrugged. “Oh come on, Gen. I already betted my car that no wedding’s going to happen.”

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata. “Seriously? Bakit ba gustung-gusto niyong magkakapatid na pinagpupustahan ang mga gagawin ko?” I asked. “And besides, you know what happened before…”

He nodded. “Yeah… but Cindy’s my sister, you know? I just don’t think that this is right. It’s like jumping a gun. And it’s weird. You’d be like cousins-in-law with Parker or something.”

Natahimik ako.

“Will you call him cous after they get married?”

I glared at him. “Gusto mong sakalin kita?”

He laughed. “But seriously though, best of luck, Genesis de Marco—that last name’s a curse.”

And Psalm’s right. After talking, pinatawag na kami sa loob. There’s a huge table and everyone’s gathered. It’s a pretty big family—de Marco and Gomez de Liaño. It’s like a half evil-half good situation because the Gomez de Liaño family was actually nice. Sila nga lang ang kumakausap sa akin kapag may mga ganito, e. Though I wasn’t close to Saint. It’s weird talking to him.

“Cindy has an announcement to make,” Beatrice said, looking at me—grinning, more like it. She just made it so easy to hate her.

“So… uhm…” she began. She’s nervous, it’s so obvious. Sabi ni Maven, anak daw sa labas si Cindy kaya hindi siya ganoon ka komportable sa mga ganito. She must really love Parker to agree to marry him after all that happened before.

“I just got engaged to Parker,” she said, her voice trembling a bit.

Everyone went silent, but I could feel all their eyes on me. Maven looked at me and I smiled at him.

“That’s great,” Aunt Meredith said. “When’s the wedding?” she asked.

“We’re still ironing things out…”

Biglang sumingit si Beatrice. “I’m sure Genesis will love to help. Right, Genesis? After all, you have no work… not that you need to, anyway…” She really couldn’t get over the fact that I didn’t sigh a pre-nup. Palibasa aabutin siya sa kangkungan kapag iniwan siya ng tatay ni Maven.

Cindy was taken aback. She knew about Parker and me. She didn’t want this, but like me, we’re helpless in front of everyone.

I felt Maven squeezing my hand. Everyone’s looking at me. They were silent, but I knew that they freaking enjoyed this drama that’s been dragged for three freaking years.

“Of course,” I answered. “I’d love to help planning the wedding.”

Kabanata 45

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 45 

I knew Maven wanted to get mad at me for saying yes, pero tapos na, e! Nasabi ko na! Psalm was even stopping himself for laughing! Cindy’s got a horrified look on her face. Ako? I didn’t know what I got myself into!

The dinner went as usual—tensed. When the formal part ended, nagsimula ng mag-usap iyong mga matatanda. I was glad for a bit dahil magiging out of place na naman si Beatrice. I was even lucky dahil mababait iyong mga pinsan ni Maven. Iyong mga matatanda lang talaga ang goal yata ay takutin ako hanggang sa atakihin ako sa puso.

“Congrats!” Mary said… in behalf of everyone, I guessed. We’re all really silent. Except for me, because I was just generally out of words.

“Thank you,” she gracefully replied to Mary. Thank God for Mary’s presence. She’s actually the nicest in this bunch. Most guys were a bunch of gamblers—always betting on what’s gonna happen next. Maggie’s really nice but she’s always missing-in-action. Addie’s more like Maven, so there’s that. Cindy… well, she’s always nervous around the family. I guess that included me. We’re family.

“I better go,” Cindy said.

“What? It’s still early,” Psalm said.

She smiled awkwardly. “I still have something to do.”

“Parker?” Psalm asked and the guys almost burst out laughing.

Maven leaned in and whispered in my ears, “Wanna go home?” I shook my head. “You do love trouble, Genesis,” he whispered again.

Cindy’s face reddened. I wanted to erase the building image in my mind. Cindy and Parker… entangled in bed…

Shit na ’yan.

“No,” Cindy said, but her reaction already told us a lot. “Wedding stuff,” she continued and then looked at me. “I guess… we’ll keep in touch.”

I awkwardly smiled. Because that’s all I could do. I just fucking dug my own grave.

When Cindy was finally out of earshot, Psalm began to talk. He seriously gets excited about betting.

“So, things just got interesting,” he began. “I think we should upgrade the bet.”

Maven sighed. “This is so childish.”

Mary seconded. “It’s not good to make fun of other’s misery.”

“Get a girlfriend,” Saint said.

Something crossed Psalm’s face, but he was quick to recover. “Oh, come on! This is just for fun… right, cous?” he said and then looked at me. I wanted to really wring his neck.

“Whatever,” I said.

“So…” Psalm began. “I bet my car and my future kid that no wedding’s going to happen.”

Austin rolled his eyes. “Get a girlfriend first before talking about a future kid.”

“I’ll get a girl,” Psalm confidently said.

“Or a guy…” Maggie interjected. “It’s never off the table, Psalm.”

“I’m not gay!” Psalm said. Maggie shrugged. “Anyway, back to the topic, who bets on no wedding?” he asked and no one answered. “So, you’re all betting that there’s gonna be a wedding?”

“Gen is here,” Santi said. “What’s wrong with you?”

Maggie looked at him. “I really think that he’s been replaced as a kid.”

“What? Gen is game!” sabi ni Psalm. “Right, Gen? You’re cool, right?” tanong niya. Hindi ko siya pinansin.

Maven looked at me. “Let’s just go,” sabi niya. Pumayag na rin ako dahil napapagod ako sa mga sinasabi ni Psalm. We just stood up at umalis. We just nodded at them. We went inside and started to look for Jere. As much as possible, ayoko na nandito si Jeremiah dahil baka lumaki pa siya na kagaya ng mga kamag-anak niya.

Maven went upstairs while I waited downstairs. I just never really felt at home here kaya hanggang sa baba lang talaga ako.

“Genesis,” Beatrice said when she saw me.

“What?” I snapped. I was tired.

“Are you sure that you want to help planning the wedding?”

I looked at her and mustered the most bored expression I could ever do. “I’m one, bored housewife, remember? I have nothing to do better to do, right? And I don’t have to work for anything—thanks to your son,” I told her.

She gritted her teeth, but tried to remain calm. She’d never be as good as the other women in this freaky family.

“Mama wanted to tell you that she doesn’t want another fiasco—not after the one you pulled three years ago.”

Why would everyone not shut up about what happened three years ago?!

Mabuti na lang at bago pa kung ano na naman ang masabi ko sa kanya ay nakababa na si Maven at si Jeremiah. Jere’s face calmed me down.

“Ma…” Maven’s voice was tired.

“What? I wasn’t doing anything!” Beatrice said and I almost gagged. Fake talaga nito.

I got Jere from Maven and just carried him para hindi na uminit ang ulo ko sa lola niya. Nauna na akong maglakad habang naiwan pa si Maven para kausapin iyong luka-luka niyang nanay.

Jere was hugging me while I was caressing his hair when Mary called my name.

“What?” I asked. She was running. “Wag ka ngang tumakbo,” I said.

She smiled and stopped in front of me. “I just want to say sorry for what happened…”

“It’s not your fault,” I told her.

Umiling siya. “Still… they knew what happened and they still allowed this to happen. It’s unfair.”

I smiled at her. Unlike me who’s like the bane in everyone’s existence, the whole family loves Mary. I mean, who wouldn’t? She’s nice… and also super rich. And I was neither.

“Life’s unfair. I’m already used to it.”

She smiled sadly. “If you don’t want to, I can tell them na ako na lang ’yung tutulong kay Cindy sa kasal,” she offered.

I shook my head. “You’re pregnant. Masama ’yung stress sa ’yo,” I told her. She still looked unsure. “I’m really fine… I promise. Baka ayain ko na lang si Nari para mas okay.”

I was still assuring her that I’d be fine when Maven returned. He looked tired—which was a given dahil kinausap niya ang nanay niya. Kahit ako naman napapagod din kapag kausap ko si Beatrice. Nakakapagod mag-isip ng sasabihin sa kanya para hindi ako magmukhang kawawa.

“Sige… but call me if something happens?” Mary asked and I nodded.

Pagpasok namin sa sasakyan, natutulog na si Jere. Maven said, “I don’t understand why you had to say yes.”

“They all wanted me to.”

“You could’ve still said no.”

“There’s no saying no to your family. They made it very clear,” I said and then pretended to be asleep for the rest of the ride.

---

The next morning, Maven was back to his routine of studying. Ako naman ay nag-iisip ng gagawin ko. Jere was being tutored. He’s so young, but he’s already learning four languages—English, Spanish, French, and Chinese. And he’s also scheduled to learn sports and musical instruments after a year or so. Nakakaawa ’yung bata.

I was looking for a book to read when my phone vibrated. I whipped it from my phone, thinking that it was Nari who texted. My face fell when I saw Cindy’s name.

‘Are you free?’ she texted.

I stared at my phone, dumbfounded. Were we… really doing this?

‘Abuela’s asking if we’re starting planning…’ she texted again.

Even the mention of Abuela via text was making my knees weak.

‘Not really. Where do you want to meet?’ I texted back.

Cindy sent a name of a café. I immediately ran upstairs and took a shower. I was in the middle of picking what to wear when Maven went inside the room.

“Going somehwere?” he asked.

I nodded. “I volunteered in the wedding planning, remember?”

“Are you really doing that?”

Tumango ako.

“Why?” he asked. “Why do you love torturing yourself?”

I looked at him. “I don’t know… maybe because seeing it firsthard will make me realize that it’s really over?”

“You already made sure of that three years ago, Genesis.”

I pressed my lips.

“He hates me…” I whispered.

“He doesn’t hate you,” Maven said.

“He hates me and you know that,” I replied.

“Hate’s not the worst feeling, Gen. It’s indifference.” He looked at me.

“It’s really fucked up, huh?” I asked… or more like I told myself. Because I was right. Everything’s just too fucked up.

---

Pagdating ko sa café na sinasabi ni Cindy, nakita ko siya na nakaupo mag-isa. Of course. I wasn’t even expecting that she’d bring Parker with her. She didn’t trust me… and I didn’t trust myself either.

“Hi,” we both said awkwardly.

Nagkatinginan kami, hindi alam pareho ang sasabihin. It’s just weird. He’s Parker’s ex—we both are. He’s Parker’s fiancé—I was once. We had an awful lot of similarities.

“So…” she began. “This is weird,” she said.

I smiled. “Yeah,” I affirmed.

“We don’t have to do this if it’s uncomfortable for you,” she said like it’s only uncomfortable to me.

I looked at her. “Is it comfortable to you?” I asked.

She looked at me, too. “Do I have to be uncomfortable?” she asked.

Five seconds.

Ganoon kami katagal na naka-tingin lang sa isa’t-isa—sizing each other up.

“No,” I answered, finally. “Where’s Parker, anyway?”

“Cebu,” she replied. “He’s very busy.”

“I think he can spare time to plan his wedding,” I said with a smile.

Cindy nodded. “Sure, I’ll tell him to come by sometime.” My lips parted. “Oh, he’s calling right now,” she said and then picked up the call. “Hi. I’m in a meeting for the wedding right now, Love,” Cindy said.

I grabbed the glass of water and downed it.

“Yeah… Do you think you can make time when you come back here?” she asked. “Okay, I’ll tell her. Also, please say hi to Benj for me.”

When she ended the call, she looked at me. “Parker said that he’ll try, but no assurance since he’s really busy.”

Tumango lang ako. Cindy then began to talk about the wedding. I had to sit there for hours—listening to her gush about her wedding. I painstakingly listed down the details she wanted me to remember.

“For my bride’s maid, I’ll have Imo, Addie, and Cherry,” she said. “I’m not sure about Parker’s entourage.”

“I know his entourage,” I said.

“Oh,” she replied. “Okay.”

I gritted my teeth. She’s so calm. I wanted to ask her why the fuck was she so calm, but I was holding myself back. I really didn’t want to make a mess for Maven’s family. I already learned the hard way. That when they say they’d stop at nothing, they really meant it.

“I think we’re done for today,” Cindy said and then she began to fix her things. Nanatili ako na nakaupo habang inaayos niya ang gamit niya. I requested for another glass of water when Cindy put a calling card in front of me. “That’s Parker’s new number, in case you have questions of him, too.”

Napaawang ang labi ko.

Napaangat ako ng tingin.

“I’m… his ex,” I almost whispered. Like that meant something… that she should stop this… acting like I meant nothing…

Cindy looked at me. “Yes, and I’m his present who’s planning a future with him. There’s a difference there, Genesis. I hope you know where your place is.”

Kabanata 46

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 

46

“Can you… meet me?”

“Yes, of course. Nasan ka?”

I told Nari where I was. Hours passed since my meeting with Cindy, but I still couldn’t go home. I just… couldn’t make sense of what was happening. About why I was letting things just happen.

Why we’re both so helpless.

We both didn’t want this, but there seemed to be no way out.

I felt like the de Marco’s own marionette.

“Ano ba? Palagi ka na lang bang umiinom tuwing nakikita kita?” Nari said as she chased the beer from my hand.

I tried grabbing it back, but she wouldn’t let me. “Just give it back,” I seriously said.

“No,” she replied. “You’re so close to being a drunk, Gen. As your only friend, it’s my job to make sure that you at least stay on the proper lane.”

“I have friends.”

“Sino? Si Mary? Sila Psalm? They’re your relatives,” she said. “Bakit ba kasi umiinom ka na naman?”

I looked at her and smiled. I wished smiling could at least lessen the pain I was feeling. Kahit konti lang. I always felt like exploding. Na konting tulak na lang, sasabog na talaga ako. I didn’t know how I managed to live like this… if this was still called living.

“I’m… their wedding coordinator.”

Nari blinked. “W-what?”

I smiled, pitying myself. “I’m my ex- fiancé’s wedding coordinator,” I said and then snatched the beer from her grasp. “So don’t stop me from drinking tonight. I need this.”

I ignored her stares and downed my beer. My chest was still constricting. Every word Cindy said kept on reverberating inside my head. Paulit-ulit. Nakakabaliw.

“Why? Ha? Pano?”

“My mother-in-law spites me,” I simply replied.

“She freaking volunteered you?!” I nodded. “At bakit ka pumayag?!”

“It’s… different, Nari. It’s just really hard to say no to them. You won’t understand.”

Hindi ko mapaliwanag. Hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag. They just had this certain aura that would scare the living daylights out of you… that would make you consider twice before going against their wishes.

“But this is too much naman, Gen! Wedding coordinator talaga?!”

I nodded and tried to fucking smile. “Funny how life works, huh?”

Bigla niyang tinawag iyong waiter at saka umorder ng wine. “So, nakita na kayo ni Parker?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think he’d like that.”

“But you’re the wedding coordinator. It’s inevitable.”

Tinignan ko siya. “You’d seen him… right?” She nodded. “How’s he?” I asked. For years, I stopped myself from asking about him. I didn’t want to know how badly I’d destroyed him. I didn’t want to know the extent of the destruction.

Kasi hanggang ngayon, tuwing pinipikit ko ang mga mata ko, naaalala ko pa rin.

“He’s fine,” she said. “He’s better.”

“Does he ask about me?”

And there’s the pity in her eyes again. “No,” she replied. “I’m sorry, Gen. After… what you did, he just never talked about you again.”

“Ah ganon ba?” I smiled. “Good for him.”

We stayed quiet for a few seconds. I drank my beer and she sipped her wine.

“I’ll be totally honest with you, ha, since kaibigan kita at sa totoo lang, stressed na talaga ako sa nangyayari sa inyo…” she began. I remained silent. I was used to honesty. It’s brutality. How it could cut a person open with just words. “Parker… I don’t think it will be good for you to see him.”

“Not good for me?”

“Yes, for you.”

“What about him? Won’t it be bad for him to see me, too?”

Nari bit her lower lip, as if finding a way to make things easier. But truth never was easy.

“Ganito kasi ’yan, ha? Makinig kang mabuti. One time, magkakasama kami—ako, si Preston, si Saint, Mary, Parker, and Cindy. Nag-uusap lang kami… tapos hindi ko maalala pero napunta bigla sa ’yo ’yung usapan. Lahat kami napahinto. Para kang taboo topic. Inexpect namin na mag-iiba iyong reaction ni Parker… pero alam mo? Wala. Wala na siyang pakielam sa ’yo, Genesis. Naiintindihan mo ba ko?”

Wala akong masabi.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong sabihin.

“He just doesn’t care anymore. He’s just tired. He just wants to get married and have peace and quiet. Naiintindihan mo ba?”

She looked at me, hoping that I was getting her point. Naiintindihan ko naman. Naririnig ko lahat ng sinabi niya.

I nodded as tears fell.

“Naiintindihan ko,” I said. I tried to wipe the tears as I continuously nodded. “Naiintindihan ko naman, e… Pero hindi ko kayang tanggapin. Magkaibang bagay kasi… Alam ko na tapos na. Three years na… pero alam mo ’yun? Para kasing kahapon lang. Na parang lahat kayo naka move on na, pero ako nandun pa rin sa dati. Na hindi ako makaalis. Na hindi na yata talaga ako makakaalis.”

Diretso lang iyong pagtulo ng luha ko.

Hindi ko na mapigilan.

Three years, hindi ako umiyak.

Ginusto ko na panindigan iyong desisyon ko.

Pero ngayon, biglang bumalik na naman lahat.

“Pero kailangan mong umalis, Genesis. Tapos na ’yung dati. Nandito na tayo sa ngayon.”

I looked at her. “Sana kasi madali lang. Sana kasi kapag sinabi mo, magagawa ko. Sana kasi pwede na bigla na lang mawala lahat… kasi masakit pa rin… Ang sakit-sakit pa rin…”

Sumisikip na iyong dibdib ko.

Hindi matigil iyong pag-iyak.

“Ang hirap kasi, Nari. Ang hirap na ako na lang ’yung naiwan… gusto ko naman na maging masaya siya… pero gusto ko sa ’kin… pero alam ko na hindi pwede… kasi ’di ba iniwan ko na siya? Kasi ’di ba kasalanan ko naman? Kasi ginusto ko ’to… pero kasi kahit ano’ng sabihin ko sa sarili ko, ’dun pa rin ako bumabagsak sa katotohanan na sana ako na lang… Sana kami na lang ulit…”

“Gen naman…” sabi ni Nari at saka nagsimula na rin siyang umiyak. “Tama na, please? Masasaktan ka lang ulit, e. Tama na. Tigil na…”

I smiled despite the tears that kept on flowing.

Sana nga kasi ganun lang kadaling tumigil.

---

My eyes were puffy and bloodshot red. Maven was looking at me. I ignored his stares. He sighed.

“After I pass the BAR, let’s just migrate somewhere,” he said.

“As if your family will let us,” I replied while feeding Jere. I smiled at him and then wiped the side of his lips and gave him a glass of water.

Maven looked pissed at me, but he wasn’t saying anything. Mas mabuti na rin na wala siyang sabihin dahil wala na rin namang magagawa kahit ano pa ang sabihin niya. The mess had been made. Nandito na.

“What will you do if you see him?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Nothing?”

I nodded and then looked at him. “Because I mean nothing to him now.”

“Gen…”

Ibinaba ko iyong kutsara sa plato. “Maven, please. Quota na ako sa awa ng mga tao. ’Wag ka ng sumali, please. Okay?”

He remained silent for the rest of the meal. After that, I played with Jere until he got tired. Nang nakatulog na siya, tumabi muna ako sa kanya. I hugged him and felt comfort. If only I could stay here.

I woke up due to my phone vibrating. When I saw Cindy’s name, I just had to breathe deeply.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Are you free?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Great. Will text you the location,” she said and then ended the call. She sent a location of a restaurant. Maybe we’d do a food tasting. Hindi ko alam. I never got the chance to plan a wedding. Ngayon lang.

I fixed myself and went there. Pagdating ko, agad kong nakita si Cindy. I had to stop and calm myself. What happened before shouldn’t happen again. Tama si Nari… I needed to stop.

Ako na lang kasi ’yung umaasa.

“Hi,” I said with a forced smile upon approaching her.

“Hi,” she replied. She smiled at me, too. Alam ko mabait si Cindy. She’s nice according to everyone who knew her… I just wished that she wouldn’t be so nice to me.

It’s just making it extra hard when she treated me like I was nothing.

“I know I need to decide first on the church and the venue, but I really need Parker’s opinion on that. Bukas pa kasi siya makakabalik sa Manila. But for the food, I can decide on that,” she said while we were walking inside.

Different menus and options were given. The chef and the owner of the restaurant were very accommodating.

“This is good,” Cindy commented while tasting every food. “Parker will like this.”

“Where’s the groom, Ma’am?” the lady asked.

“He’s helping his best friend with legal matters.”

“Oh. He’s a lawyer?”

Cindy nodded and smiled. “Yeah.” And then she faced me. “What do you think, Genesis?”

I tasted the food. Wala akong maalala na paborito ni Parker. All I knew was that he’d eat what I’d cook for him.

“It’s okay,” I simply replied.

Cindy told the cook to include the dish in the menu since it’s Parker’s favorite. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na paborito pala ni Parker ’yun. Na allergic pala siya sa ganito. Na ganyan. Na ganito.

She just knew him.

When we finished tasting the dishes, we were waiting for the next set. Tahimik kaming nakaupong dalawa.

“I’m sorry for acting rude the other day,” she said.

Natigilan ako.

“I just… know that you’re his ex,” she continued. “But that doesn’t matter. That shouldn’t even matter… You’re already married, Genesis.”

Nanatili akong tahimik.

“Parker… he’s better now. He’s really moved on from you.” Tinignan niya ako. “I know he’s moved on from you. Why do you think I rejected his proposal last year? Because I wasn’t sure that he’s sure about me… but now, I’m sure. That this time, it’s for real.”

Lips quivering, I forced a smile.

“I know.”

She looked at me. “Do you really know? Do you understand, Genesis?”

“That you’re not threatened with me? At all? Oo naman, naiintindihan ko.”

She sighed. “Do you want me to be threatened?” she asked.

I looked at her. She’s so calm! “I don’t know,” I replied through gritted teeth. “Hindi ko alam, okay? Just please don’t treat me like I meant nothing to Parker!”

“No, it’s not the case. I know you once meant something to him. But that was a thing in the past. You’re married to Maven now. Why do you want me to be worried about you?” she asked. My lips parted.

“Look, Genesis… Parker and I, we go way back. I know him, okay? I know him and I love him… I really do… I really thought I lost him before because it’s Mary he was in love with… pero iba na ngayon. Ako na talaga ngayon. So, please don’t expect me to be jealous of you. Because I’m not. I really am not.

“You may hate me for saying this… but he once chose me over Mary. And we both know that she’s a huge part of his life… And that means that I never have to worry about you.”

She watched me… and I got nothing. Cindy didn’t care that I was Parker’s fiancee. Cindy didn’t care that Parker almost married me.

She didn’t care at all.

“Genesis, I think you need to move on. Everyone already has.”

Kabanata 47

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 47

It was early morning. We were doing everything in routine. I’d wake up early and prepare breakfast. There were plenty of househelp, but I still volunteered because if not, I’d feel utterly useless. After a while, Maven would wake up tapos kasunod si Jere. We’d all eat our breakfast and if I were lucky, hindi susulpot si Beatrice. She had this bad habit of appearing out of nowhere para puntahan si Jeremiah.

She’s a witch, but she’s a doting grandmother. At least, she got that part right.

I was busy feeding Jeremiah. Maven looked like he’d fall asleep anytime. Malapit na kasi ’yung BAR exam kaya mas madalas na siyang magreview… though I was really sure that he’d ace it kahit walang aral-aral.

I sighed when I heard Beatrice’s heels clicking on the floor. God, umagang-umaga.

“Good morning,” she greeted and kissed Maven’s cheek. Lumapit naman siya sa pwesto ko at hinalikan iyong tuktok ng ulo ni Jeremiah. After she was done, she looked at me and said, “Morning.”

I didn’t bother to reply. I knew she knew that mornings were never pleasant when she’s around. It was a mutual feeling.

“There’s a dinner tonight at your Uncle Bert’s house,” she said. “Ana’s throwing an engagement dinner for Cindy probably to pretend that she’s fine with Bert walking Cindy down the aisle.”

Maven put his utensils down. Napatingin pati si Jere sa kanya dahil medyo malakas ang pagkakababa niya. “Why are you here, Ma?” he asked, tired. Minsan, naaawa ako kay Maven. He never wanted any conflict. He just wanted to be left alone with his books… but somehow, he’s always in the middle of it.

“There’s a dinner and we’re all expected to come,” she said, mostly pointing at me.

“If it’s at Uncle Bert’s house, then mostly it’s strictly family,” Maven replied. “GDL only, Ma. I’m a de Marco. I don’t see why you’re telling us to go.”

“Nonsense, Maven. We’re all family.”

Maven looked like he’s already pissed. And he’s rarely pissed. Kahit sa akin na walang ibang ginawa kung hindi pagbuntungan siya ng inis at galit, hindi siya mabilis mainis. But now? It looked like he’s almost done with his Mom’s constant dragging of us in her little schemes.

“We’re second cousins, Ma. And that is a family affair. If you’re really interested in seeing Aunt Ana lose her shit tonight, suit yourself. Leave Gen and I out of it.”

Beatrice had her lips parted. Hindi niya siguro ineexpect na sasabihan siya nang ganito ni Maven. Hindi ko rin inaasahan. Palagi lang naman kasing tahimik si Maven… at most, he’d beg me to just ignore his mother para hindi lumaki ang gulo.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Beatrice insisted bago siya umalis.

Nang makaalis na siya, pinagpatuloy ko na pakainin si Jeremiah. May tutorial na naman kasi siya mamaya.

“I’m sorry,” Maven said.

“What? It’s not your fault,” I replied.

“We won’t come,” he said.

Nanatili akong tahimik. It had been a few days since Cindy decided to tell me that I needed to move on. Na ako na lang daw kasi iyong nabubuhay sa nakaraan. Siguro nga ako na lang… pero madali bang magmove on? Kung sana madali, e ’di sana walang mga nahihirapan ngayon.

Sana nga kasi may remote control na lang ’yung feelings. Para madaling patayin kapag nakakapagod na.

“Maven…” I trailed. “Let’s go.” He looked at me, his forehead creased. “To the dinner, I mean.”

“Gen…” he said, his voice sounded really tired.

I tried to smile to assure him that I wasn’t planning on pulling anything. It’s not as if I could do that at Aunt Ana’s house. She’s really nice, but I knew that if threatened, she’d claw me like the rest of the women in this creepy family.

“I promise I’ll behave,” I said, even raising my hand.

“Why do you even want to come?” he asked.

I bit my lower lip and held Jeremiah. “Maybe this is what I need… To move on? Alam mo ’yun? Kasi ’di ba three years na… dapat okay na ako.”

“What?” naguguluhan na sabi niya.

“Naisip ko lang, baka dapat ko nang makita si Parker? Na ikakasal sila ni Cindy? Then maybe, it’ll start to feel real. Kasi alam ko naman na tanga ako… pero hindi naman ako maninira ng pamilya,” I said and then looked at Jere and smiled. He’s clueless about everything. How I wished that he wouldn’t grow up to witness how cruel life could be.

Maven remained silent.

“I can’t run from Parker forever, Maven. One day, I’ll have to face him. And I think that it’s better if the day that I’ll face him will be of my choosing. Para handa naman ako. Para hindi ako masyadong magmukhang tanga,” I explained.

The last time I saw him, it was the hardest time of my life. And I was sure that nothing could ever top that moment. Alam mo ’yung pakiramdam na alam mo na ikaw na lang ’yung makakasagip sa kanya, pero hindi mo pa rin magawa? Na para bang ang kaya mo lang gawin ay panoorin iyong mga nangyayari.

It was hard to be so helpless.

To watch someone beg.

And to do nothing.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay?” hindi makapaniwala kong sabi. Ever since we got married, Maven let me do whatever I wanted. He never told me to do anything. I knew he’s trying to make the most of what we have. I was thankful for that.

He nodded. “I don’t like it, but yeah…” he dragged. “But we’ll come,” he said. “Jeremiah and I, we’ll be there for you.”

Napa-ngiti ako. They’re the only good things in my life right now.

---

I let Maven review in silence habang si Jere naman ay tinuturuan ng tutor niya. Ako? I read books—law books. I only read them when I was alone. Ayoko kasi na makita ako ni Maven na nagbabasa. He’d just feel bad because I had to drop out because of his family. He already felt guilty enough; ayoko na dagdagan.

Maven’s really smart. His IQ’s high, but his EQ’s questionable. I didn’t want to see him broken. He’s like a robot. I’d probably freak the hell out if I see him cry.

When night finally fell, we were all dressed up. Kalung-kalong ko si Jere habang papunta kami sa bahay ng mga GDL.

“What are you going to do?” Maven asked in the dead silence.

“What?” I asked back. Truth was, I didn’t know what I’d do. It’s been three years since I last saw him… Kahit na pareho lang kaming nasa Pilipinas, hindi kami nagkita. Maybe I did a really good job at hiding from him… habang siya… baka tama nga si Cindy. Wala na kasi siyang pakielam.

“Parker,” Maven said. There was this familiar punch in the gut upon hearing his name. “You’ll see him.”

I nodded and pressed Jeremiah’s fingers. “I know… that’s the plan, right?”

Maven sighed. “I really don’t understand why people keep on torturing themselves,” he murmured. Maybe it’s because pain makes us feel alive? Hindi ko rin alam. Kasi kahit gusto kong tumigil, nandito pa rin naman ako.

Pagdating namin sa bahay, agad kong napansin na hindi naman sila kumpleto. Maven was right; this was probably just for the GDL family. Hindi kasi exactly maganda iyong relationship ni Cindy kay Aunt Ana… maybe this was her way para ipakita na okay lang sa kanya? Hindi ko alam. It’s all complicated with this family.

Pumasok na kami ni Maven. We stopped midway— I stopped.

“Problem?” Maven asked.

I looked at him. “Hold my hand,” I said.

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Why?”

My lips trembled. “I might fell down,” I replied. The beat of my heart was slowly getting faster. Alam ko kasi na pag pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay, malaki iyong posibilidad na makita ko si Parker.

Was I ready? Hindi ko alam. All I knew was that seeing him would probably do things to me.

Maven looked at me and held my hand. He pressed it.

“Whatever happens, we’re here,” he said. “We’re family.”

Pagpasok namin sa loob, agad kong nakita iyong magkakapatid na nakaupo. Jeremiah ran nang makita niya iyong pinsan niya. Agad naman na kumunot iyong noo nila Austin.

“Mom forced us,” Maven said and it was enough para maintindihan nila Austin why we’re here tonight.

Naupo kami katabi nila. Maven was just silent since sila Psalm ang kasama niya. He’s more participative in discussion kapag sila Santi at Aspen ang kasama niya.

“He’s not here yet,” Maggie whispered.

“Si Cindy?”

“Talking with Mom,” she continued. “Yikes.” Natawa ako. “Anyway, I offer my room as a hiding place. You know… in case things get nasty.”

I smiled at her.

We’re still waiting for Parker… and I didn’t know if it’s a good idea to make your future-in-laws wait. But I said nothing for it’s not my business to meddle with.

“God, I’m starving!” Psalm whined after minutes of still nothing. “Do you know where Parker is?” he asked Saint.

Saint frowned. “How will I know?”

Psalm laughed. “You, Gen? You know where he is?” he asked and ended up being elbowed by Maggie.

Nang hindi pa rin kami sigurado kung nasaan na ba ang hinihintay namin, I figured it’s best to go outside to get some fresh air. If it wasn’t embarrassing, I’d ask for a glass of wine… but I contented myself with fresh air.

Tahimik akong nakatayo doon nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Cindy. I stilled.

“Parker, where the hell are you?!” she hissed. “Stuck at work? Again? I already told you you can’t be late tonight!” she continued. Her voice sounded clearer and clearer. I suddenly panicked. I didn’t want her to see me. I didn’t want her to talk to me again.

“Ten minutes. You better be here in ten minutes!” she said before almost throwing her phone at the pool. Nang makaalis siya, pakiramdam ko tatalon na palabas ng dibdib ko ang puso ko.

I placed my hand on top of my chest. Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Akala ko ay aatakihin na ako sa sobrang bilis nang may maramdaman ako na yumakap sa binti ko.

“Hambriento, Mama,” he said.

I suddenly felt peace upon seeing Jere. Napa-ngiti ako at binuhat siya. He’s already so heavy! “Are you hungry?” I asked and he nodded.

“Wanna walk,” he said while we were on the way to the car. Palagi kasi akong may baon na pagkain dahil madalas magutom si Jere. Binaba ko siya at saka siya nagtatakbo papunta sa sasakyan. I was smiling while watching him… until he bumped into someone.

My lips parted.

My heart raced.

Shit.

“Tue put tsi!” Jeremiah said upon stumbling down. Hindi ako makagalaw. Fuck.

“Are you hurt?” he asked.

Jeremiah shook his head. “I’m sorry, Mister.”

He knelt in from of Jere at pinagpagan iyong suot niya. “Next time, don’t run, okay?”

Jere nodded. “Yes, Mister. I’m sorry.”

“Stop calling me mister. Call me Uncle Parker.”

Jere’s eyes widened. “Oh! You’re Uncle Parker! Te conozco! Papa told me many stories about you!”

Parker nodded. “He did, huh…” He stood up. “I better go inside,” he said to him, smiling which made my heart ache.

Jere continued to run towards the car.

I continued to froze.

Papalapit nang papalapit sa akin si Parker. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. My whole system was in panic. My whole being was in disarray.

“Parker…” I said when his path finally crossed with mine.

He stopped.

Fuck.

“What?” he asked, looking straight into my eyes. I tried to find something… anything… but I didn’t find any. Like I really didn’t matter to him at all.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

He kept his eyes on me, not saying anything.

“Okay,” he replied. And then walked away.

But I was not fucking okay.

Kabanata 48

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 48

I remained stuck on my place.

Okay?

That was it?

After everything that happened, iyon lang ang makukuha ko sa kanya? Okay? Isang salita? Maybe… maybe I just expected. That at least, he’d shout at me? Na magalit siya sa akin? Because at least I’d know that he still cared…

Pero wala.

Fuck. I really needed a drink.

Nang makapasok ako sa loob, agad kong napansin na naka-tingin sa akin iyong magpipinsan. They were staring at me like they were waiting for me to breakdown. So, instead, I smiled.

“What?” I asked, pretending that I was fine. “Kakain na ba? Nagugutom na si Jere.”

“Are you… okay?” Maggie asked.

I nodded and smiled. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sabi nila, kapag ang isang kasinungalingan palagi mong sinasabi, dadating ang panahon na magiging totoo na ’to… siguro ganoon na lang ang dapat gawin ko. I needed to lie, to pretend that I was okay…

And maybe someday, I would be okay.

But for now, I just needed to hurt in silence. I didn’t want everyone to look at me and see how fucking hard everything was.

They began to go to the dining area. Tahimik lang ako na nakatayo sa isang gilid nang bigla akong lapitan ni Maven.

“You’re a bad liar,” he said.

“I’m not a bad liar, Maven. You just know me too well,” I replied and pasted a smile on my face. “Let’s eat.”

Dumiretso kami sa kainan at nakita namin na nakaupo na silang lahat. I couldn’t tell if the atmosphere was tensed or what. Normally, maingay ang bahay ng mga GDL. Psalm would always start a conversation and Maggie would be quick to shot him down. But tonight? It was just tensed.

Only one person was enjoying this.

“So, Parker, how’s the law firm?” Beatrice had some nerve to ask.

“It’s doing fine,” Parker answered.

“And your dad?”

“Still breathing,” he replied candidly like the past never happened. Like his dad didn’t almost die because of everything.

I reached for the glass of water and quickly downed it.

“Do you have plans for the wedding already?” Beatrice asked again.

Parker nodded and looked at Cindy. “Yeah, but I’m letting Cindy take the wheel in this one. After all, it’s her day,” he said and then squeezed her hand. Napa-ngiti si Cindy kay Parker.

My hand trembled. Maven held it under the table and then looked at me. My lips quivered.

“Do you know that Genesis volunteered to be your wedding planner? Being that she’s got a lot of experience in that area. Am I right, Genesis?” Beatrice asked and smiled at me. This old hag! “You were engaged thrice, right?”

Mas lalong hinigpitan ni Maven ang hawak sa kamay ko. I was shaking so bad.

“Food’s finally here!” Psalm quickly exclaimed.

“Oh, my gosh, I’m famished!” sabi naman ni Maggie. She even clapped her hands. “Let’s eat, people!”

The maids began to serve food. Everyone’s anxiety heightened. It was only Beatrice, but she’s already doing a very good job. Mas lalo an siguro kung nandito pa iyong ibang matatanda.

I tried to concentrate on eating. I minded my own business.

“Parker—” Beatrice began.

“What about dessert?” Psalm quickly cut her off. “Mary bought a cake yesterday.”

Malapit nang malasog iyong steak na hinihiwa ko dahil sa mga nangyayari ngayong gabi.

“Speaking of Mary… she was your ex, too, right?” Beatrice asked. “It really is a small world. All your ex are related.”

“Beatrice,” Auntie Ana said. “Please.”

“What? I was just saying,” Beatrice said. “It’s been three years,” she continued and then looked at me. “Right, Genesis?”

I gritted my teeth. I wanted to just say whatever the hell she wanted me to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Why would I even think that going her would solve anything? Hadn’t I learn anything from the past years? Na kahit ipilit, kapag hindi, hindi talaga magagawa.

“Stop it or you’ll never see me again, Ma,” Maven said. Everyone’s lips parted, including mine.

“W-what?” nabiglang sabi ni Beatrice.

“Just stop, alright? Genesis is my wife now. And if you can’t respect her, just please don’t come over at our house. I don’t like it when you disrespect her,” he said and then stood up and looked at Auntie Ana and Uncle Bert. “Thank you for the dinner, but we better go,” he said and then picked up Jeremiah who was quietly enjoying his dinner.

Hinatak ako ni Maven patayo at saka diretso kaming naglakad palabas. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

“Maven!” sigaw ni Beatrice. She was walking towards us. She clearly hated the fact that Maven chose me over her. I never wanted to come between her and her son, but she’s always doing something to get in everyone’s nerves.

Maven sighed. I stayed. Pinabayaan ko silang mag-usap mag-ina habang hawak ko ang kamay ni Jeremiah.

“I’m still hungry,” he said sadly.

I crouched down and pinched his nose. “You wanna sneak in and get a slice of the cake?” I asked and he readily nodded. Hinawakan ko iyong kamay niya at saka naglakad kami sa gilid dahil may daan doon papunta sa likod. I just didn’t want to go inside again after the cheap stunt Beatrice pulled. Kailangan pa ba talaga niyang sabihin iyon? Pati si Mary na wala naman ngayon e dinamay niya pa. She perfectly knew that Auntie Ana adored Mary tapos isasali niya sa drama niya.

“Let’s get some for Papa,” Jeremiah said upon seeing the cake.

“Let’s just buy some for Papa outside,” I said. I asked the maid to cut Jere a slice dahil gutom na talaga ’yung bata. Ni hindi man lang natapos sa pagkain dahil sa kagagahan ng lola niya.

I let Jere eat dahil sigurado naman ako na matagal-tagal pa ang pag-uusap ng tatay niya at ng baliw niyang lola. Tahimik akong naupo habang pinapanood siya na kumain. I was silently watching him when I heard an awfully familiar voice.

“Can I have a glass of water?” the voice asked. I fucking froze again.

“Uncle Parker!” Jere exclaimed. His face was covered with chocolate. “You want cake?”

Parker smiled a little and shook his head. “I thought you already left?” he asked him.

Jere shook his head. “No. Papa and Abuela are still talking,” he innocently said.

Halos mapatakip ako ng mukha dahil napunta sa akin iyong atensyon ni Parker. Jere was oblivious to all the drama surrounding him, but his innocence was making it harder for me.

“Sorry,” I said. I looked at him. He was looking at me, but his stares felt empty. “I… didn’t think that she’d bring the past up.”

Parker shrugged. He shrugged because it meant nothing for him.

“It’s okay,” he said.

I bit my tongue. I fucking hate that word.

“Congrats nga pala,” sabi ko.

“Thank you,” he replied casually.

“You proposed twice?” He nodded. “You really love her to propose twice…” I whispered.

Parker was looking at Jere. “I appreciate the she rejected me the first time. I’d rather that she rejected me outright than to make false plans with me.”

My lips parted. “I’m sorry.”

He cocked his head to the side and stared at me. But I couldn’t feel anything from his stares. “It’s okay,” he said. “It all worked out fine, anyway.”

Hindi ko alam bigla ang sasabihin ko. Inabot niya iyong baso.

“Do you really mean that?” I bravely asked him. I didn’t know if I’d get another chance like this. Na makausap siya. Akala ko sisigawan niya ako… but they were right… it’s like he didn’t care anymore.

And that fucking hurt the most.

The indifference.

Like I really meant nothing.

“There’s no point in dwelling in the past. It’s already done,” he said before leaving me.

It’s all in the past… but the pain still lingers.

---

When Maven found us, Jere was hugging me tight.

“What happened to your Mama?” Maven asked.

Jere shook his head. “No lo sé, Papa,” he replied. “But let’s hug her.” Jeremiah hugged me tight while Maven patted my head. Nang makarating kami sa bahay, agad na hinatid namin si Jere para matulog na siya.

“You’re drinking again,” he said when he caught me pouring myself a glass of whisky.

“I just wanna sleep,” I told him. “You wanna drink with me?” He shook his head. “Suit yourself.”

Naupo ako habang umiinom. Si Maven, nakaupo lang sa tabi ko.

“Ano’ng sabi mo sa Mama mo?” I asked.

“I told her she’d never see me again if she keeps doing that,” he said.

“Seryoso?” I asked at natawa. I could already imagine the horror on her face. Maven’s her most prized possession… probably because he’s tailored to follow in the family’s political lineage. It’s just all planned. He’s freaking rich, but he married a poor girl. It’s almost like a Cinderella story… except that it’s more of a nightmare than a fairytale.

He nodded. “Told her we’d move to Singapore.”

“What’s with you and Singapore?” I asked. “Is there where you met Abby?” Upon mentioning Abby, Maven’s jaw clenched. I smiled and offered him a drink. “You should tell your cousins about Abby para hindi ka nila tinutukso na tin man.”

“Have you talked to Parker?” Maven asked.

I nodded and downed the glass of whisky. “Yeah…” I trailed and sighed. “It’s not how I expected it to happen. I was expecting him to at least get mad at me, you know? Na sigawan niya ako kahit kaunti… kasi kapag ginawa niya ’yun, at least I’d know that he still cared…” I smiled, but my lips trembled. “But I got a smile and a fucking okay.”

Pareho kaming natahimik ni Maven.

“It’s easier if I just fall in love with you…” I told him.

“It’s creepy,” he said.

I frowned. “Grabe ka naman.”

“We’re married, but we’re more of companions than lovers,” he said.

I shrugged. “But we’re already married. It’s easier to just be in love with you, don’t you think? Let’s follow that happily ever after crap.”

Maven reached for a glass and poured himself a drink. “It’s just paper, Genesis.”

“But the paper’s legally binding,” I told him.

“We still can get annuled,” he replied. “I know you read a lot of books. You know that there are lots of grounds available at your disposal.”

“I don’t wanna hurt Jere.”

“He’s a smart kid. He’ll figure it out.”

I laughed. “He’s your son, but he’s more sensitive than you.”

Akala ko ay hindi iinumin ni Maven iyong hawak niya kaya naman nagulat ako nang inumin niya iyon. “Whatever you want, we’ll do it. Everything’s up to you, Genesis.”

I circled the glass and sighed. “Yeah… but maybe there’s no point in dwelling in the past,” I said, repeating his words.

Kabanata 49

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 49

The past few days had been awfully quiet. True to Maven’s words, hindi na kami ginulo ni Beatrice. She knew that Maven would really disappear from her life if she keeps up with her stupid games. She’s his son, pero parang hindi niya alam na hindi naman fan ng drama ang anak niya, yet she kept on pulling one.

“After I drop off Jere, I’m going to see Nari,” I said while we were at the lanai. Maven and I were both reading. It’s our pastime.

Maven put down the book. Kunot ang noo niya. “Why are you telling me this?”

I shrugged. “Wala. Masama bang magpaalam?”

“No. But you usually don’t tell me what you do.”

“Well, I’m trying to accommodate you in my life, so just bear with me,” I replied before putting my attention back to the book I was reading. But still, I could feel Maven’s stare. Nagulat yata siya. Usually naman wala kaming pakielam sa ginagawa ng isa’t-isa. We did tell each other things, but we didn’t really force each other lalo na kung hindi kami comfortable na magsabi. Maybe that’s what I appreciate with this marriage. It’s so relaxed.

When Jere was all dressed up, umakyat muna ako para magbihis. Naiwan si Jere kasama iyong tatay niya. They’d be talking about conspiracies and theories, for all I knew. Kahit mas matanda si John kay Jere (at kung hindi ako almost bawal pumunta sa bahay nila Preston), hindi malayo na maging magbest friends sila dahil pareho silang bookworm at mahilig sa kung anu-anong theories.

“Let’s go,” I told Jere.

“Can I skip? I wanna stay with Papa…” Jere sadly said and then pulled on Maven’s sleeves.

I frowned. “No, sorry. You need to study.”

“Papa…” he said, pulling Maven’s sleeves even more. He was even pouting! Maven looked conflicted kaya gusto kong matawa. Sa ibang bagay, wala talagang emosyon si Maven—that’s why Psalm dubbed him as the tin man. Pero pagdating kay Jere? Maven’s like a new creature with heart and everything.

Nilakihan ko iyong mata ko. “Maven,” I hissed. Magagalit sa amin iyong family niya kapag hindi umattend si Jere ng lessons niya. God, it was demanding to be a de Marco. Dami mong required na malaman na languages, sports, pati instruments.

“I’m sorry, kid,” Maven said, patting his head.

Jere bit his lower lip. “I thought you love me more… you love Mama more than me.”

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Maven and I never even said those words towards each other. We were careful not to say those words in front of Jere. Alam kasi namin na hindi naman kami magtatagal. But as Jere grew older, it’s just getting harder to explain. Maybe because Maven and I were just too good at pretending to be a happy family that’s why Jere really thought that we’re one.

Jere sighed. “Let’s go, Mama,” he said and then pulled my hand.

Tinignan ko si Maven. “Ano’ng love?!” I mouthed, but he just shrugged. This tin man!

---

“Seryoso? Nakakaloka naman talaga ’yang mother-in-law mo!” Nari commented after I finished telling her everything that transpired the last time.

I nodded. “Yeah… I know she doesn’t like me, pero sobra na kasi. Pati sa harap ng iba wala na siyang respeto.”

“Pasalamat siya si Maven anak niya. Naku, kung si Preston ’yan?” natatawang sabi ni Nari. “I mean, hindi rin ako natutuwa sa attitude ni Preston sa Mama niya, but he’d really lose his shit kung gagawin ni Mother Biscuit ’yun.”

“Maven’s already pissed. Iyon na ’yung pinaka-pissed na nakita ko sa kanya,” I told Nari.

“E mas mahinhin pa sa ’yo ’yung lalaki na ’yun, e. Pero… okay ka lang?” she asked.

I nodded. “Oo naman,” sagot ko habang pinaglalaruan iyong metal straw sa baso ko.

“Kayo na lang kasi ni Maven. Gwapo naman. Seryoso din. Lawyer to be. Almost same na nga sila ni Parker…”

“What? Ano ’yun? Imitation ni Parker si Maven?” hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko. “Magkaiba sila, okay? Hindi mo lang pansin kasi hindi mo naman sila nakakausap masyado.”

She clicked her tongue. “Nakakausap ko kaya si Parker dati. Ngayon, hindi na masyado. Si Preston lang kinakausap niya,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Parehong-pareho kayo. Kung ikaw si Preston ang iniiwasan mo, siya naman ako ang iniiwasan.”

I chose not to comment. Paano ka ba makaka-move on kung lahat ng tao sa paligid mo, palagi kang tinatanong tungkol doon? Sabi nila, out of sight, out of mind? Pero paano if he’s fucking everywhere?

“Nari,” I said. She looked at me. “Can I ask for a favor?”

“Sure!” she readily agreed.

“Let’s not talk about Parker ever again.”

Umawang ang labi niya. She didn’t say anything. I took that as an opportunity.

“I… want to move on. Everybody keeps on telling me to move on… pero mahirap kasi kahit saan ako tumingin, nandyan siya. There are reminders everywhere of what could’ve been. Ang hirap, alam mo ’yun? That I almost had it all. Almost. Pero hanggang doon na lang ’yun, e. Almost.” I painfully smiled. “There’s no point in dwelling in the past,” I repeated again his words. “Kaya please… ’wag na nating pag-usapan.”

Nari looked at me. She nodded. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling.

After my talk with Nari, I received a text from Cindy asking me kung tutulong pa ba ako sa kasal. I wanted to tell her na ayoko na, but I already said yes.

Nang makarating ako sa lugar na sinabi niya, akala ko ay nandoon na siya. Only the patissier was there kaya naman pinaupo muna niya ako. She offered me a piece of cake to eat while I was waiting for the bride. I played with the cake that she got worried na hindi ko nagustuhan. I just couldn’t tell her that I was in no mood to enjoy this cake.

When a few minutes passed without Cindy showing up, I decided to text her. Susunduin ko pa si Jere. Ayaw pa naman ng batang ’yun ng nale-late. He’s always on freaking time. Pinangaralan pa nga ako na it’s not okay to be late and use Filipino time as an excuse. Being late is not okay because it’s wasting another person’s time daw. God, he’s really just like his father.

“Good afternoon, Sir,” the lady greeted while I was busy coming up with a text to Cindy. I wanted to tell her not to waste my time, but I also didn’t want to come off as rude. I mean, we’re a family. It’s already awkward around us, ayoko na dagdagan.

As I was about to hit send, bigla akong natigilan nang makita ko si Parker sa harap ko. My lips automatically parted at the sight of him.

“Where’s Cindy?” he asked me.

“She’s your fiancee,” I replied in the calmest manner that I could possibly muster. Bakit ako pa ang tatanungin niya tungkol kay Cindy?

“She’s not answering my calls,” he said.

“Again, I don’t know. She just texted me to go here,” sabi ko. God, Cindy! Alam ko na hindi ka threatened sa akin pero grabe naman ’to! Was she purposely torturing me?! Pinapakita ba talaga niya sa akin na walang pakielam si Parker sa akin? That he could just walk here and act like everything’s goddamned okay?

Dahil hindi yata na-orient iyong mga tao dito na hindi ako bride, bigla silang naghain ng cakes sa harap namin. The patissier began to explain the different cakes.

“Excuse me,” I cut her off. “I’m not the bride.”

Parker shook his head. “Yeah, she’s not.”

Oh, fuck you, Parker Palma.

“But he’s the groom, so just give him all the cake,” I said. I hoped he choke, too, for acting so fucking cool. Hindi ko alam kung okay lang ba talaga siya o nagpapanggap lang siya na okay just to mess with my head. I just couldn’t understand him! Three years ago, he begged me to stay with him! Tapos ngayon parang wala na lang sa kanya?!

Naglagay sila ng cake sa harap ni Parker. He just stared at them.

“Excuse me, I’ll just call my fiancee,” he said. “I really have no idea with cakes.”

You fucking pretender. When we were planning our wedding, you even had an opinion on which flowers to use. Funny how fast you changed, Palma.

Naiwan ako habang nasa labas si Parker at tinatawagan si Cindy. The patissier was looking at me.

“He’s my ex,” I just said. Her lips parted in shock. “It’s a long story, but please help me not make this any more awkward than it already is.”

A minute passed, wala pa rin si Parker. It was almost time for me to pick up the little prince and I really didn’t want to be late. Tumayo ako at lumabas para magpaalam kay Parker.

“Par—”

“I’m sorry, okay?” he breathed. “I was just really busy with work. Love… you’re being unfair right now. Why did you let me come here if you know that Gen’s here?”

Huminto iyong tibok ng puso ko nang marinig ko iyong pangalan ko.

“I love you, okay? I’m marrying you. Just please come here and taste the cakes. They look amazing.”

Shoot me. Why was my life one big drama?!

“Cindy—” he said and then looked unbelievingly at the phone. Binabaan yata siya. “Fuck me,” he uttered under his breath.

Parker was quick to turn around kaya naman wala akong nagawa. Nakita niya na ako. He didn’t ask me if I heard what he just said. Maybe it’s better that way. I didn’t want to confirm that I just heard him telling his fiancee that he loves her.

“I’m going,” I said. He nodded. Naglakad na ako palabas. Hinahanap ko iyong sasakyan pero wala akong makita. I was about to call my driver. “Hello, Manong? Where are you? Palabas na kasi si Jere… Magagalit na naman ’yung batang ’yun kapag na-late,” I said. Manong knew very well what a brat that kid could be. It’s Beatrice’s fault. She spoiled that kid rotten.

I almost stomped my foot on the ground nang sabihin niya na nagpapalit siya nung gulong tapos stuck siya sa traffic. The shop wasn’t even in a place na may mga dumadaan na taxi! At ten minutes na lang at labasan na ni Jere.

I figured I should start walking hanggang sa may makita akong taxi. I already saw Parker’s car leave. So? Alam ko naman na wala siyang pakielam kaya hindi niya ako aayain na sumakay sa sasakyan niya.

“What?” I asked nang umatras si Parker at huminto sa harap ko. He rolled the windows down.

“I’ll drop you off,” he said.

“Baka magalit si Cindy.”

“No,” he replied.

“Right,” I replied back. Kasi wala namang pakielam ’yun dahil hindi siya threatened. “But, no, thanks.”

Akala ko aalis na siya pero nandun pa rin siya.

“We’re practically a family. I’ll give you a ride,” he said.

I almost vomitted at his face when he said that. “Stop it, you freaking hypocrite,” I shot at him. “If you’re okay with this whole act, then ’wag mo akong idamay, okay? This is not okay for me! This is weird for me!”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko na sigawan siya. It’s making me mad na umaarte siya na parang wala lang kahit alam ko na meron! He’s mad at me! He should shout at me, not act like everything’s rainbows and butterflies!

“Why shouldn’t I be okay? It’s been three years,” he said calmly.

“Kung okay ka na, ’wag mo akong idamay!”

His lips parted. “You’re married. You have a kid. Why are you acting like you’re the one who deserves to be hurt?” hindi makapaniwalang sabi niya.

Walang nakapagsalita.

Natigilan ako.

“You left me, remember?”

Tears began to pool.

“Did I have a choice?” I asked him.

“You had a choice. And it wasn’t me. So stop this act and grow up.”

Kabanata 50

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 50

“Mama, why are you crying?” Jere asked. Napahawak ako sa mukha ko. My face was apparently tear-stained.

Lips parted, I thought of a good lie. Jere’s still just a a kid, but he’s a freaking smart one like his dad. I just wished that he’d forever remain a kid, so he wouldn’t have to witness how horrible his family actually was.

“I’m just sad,” I replied.

“Because Papa’s always studying?” he innocently asked. I just nodded. He came near me and hugged me tightly with his short arms. “Papa said that he’ll have lots of time once he passes the exam.”

“He told you that?”

He nodded. “He asked me if I wanted to migrate, too. What is migrate, Mama? I haven’t learned that word yet.”

I pulled Jere and made him sit on my lap. Sinabi ko sa kanya iyong ibig sabihin ng salitang migrate. Hindi pa kasi pinapayagan si Jere na gumamit ng kahit na anong gadgets. He’s not even allowed to watch TV. He’s all focused on studying.

“Really, Mama? We’re going to live somewhere else?” he asked.

“Do you want that?”

He shrugged. “I’ll miss my Uncles… but I’ll go wherever you want to go, Mama,” he said and then hugged me. I sighed. God, I loved this kid. He’s a lot like Maven… but I just really didn’t feel the same for his father.

Nang sinundo na si Jere para sa piano lesson niya, naiwan na naman akong mag-isa sa bahay. I decided to cook to shift my focus somewhere else. Palagi pa ring bumabalik sa isip ko iyong mga salitang sinabi ni Parker.

You made a choice and it wasn’t me.

Maybe I was wrong. But I’d do it again. And again.

I had a choice… and I fucking chose him. Because if I didn’t choose him, I’d have had selfishly ran away with him and watch him lose everything.

Papanoorin ko na mawala iyong pinaghirapan ng magulang niya. Papanoorin ko na mawala iyong nag-iisang pamilya niya.

I would have had to watch it all… and know that it all happened because of me.

If I didn’t choose him, he’d still end up resenting me. Maybe this was the ending, after all. Because damn me if I do, damn me if I don’t. There’s just no escaping this.

When I finished cooking, I prepared food.

“Hey,” I said, knocking on Maven’s study. “I cooked. Gusto mong kumain?” Maven closed his book and then went outside. Bawal kasing kumain sa loob nun kasi maraming libro.

We went to the garden with Maven carrying the tray of food.

“Were you serious when you asked me to migrate?”

Napatingin siya sa akin. “Why?”

“Were you serious?”

“I told you, everything’s up to you,” he replied. “Do you want to migrate?”

I bit my lower lip as I stared at him. “It doesn’t sound so bad… I mean, wala naman akong pamilya na maiiwan dito. It’ll be a nice change of scenery…”

“You didn’t answer the question,” he said, staring at me like he always did. His eyes were just always curious, like he wanted to reach the deepest parts of your soul. Like you could never hide anything from him… you could try, but you’d find yourself failing.

“I’m tired,” I told him.

“You’ve been tired all these years. What changed?”

I faced him. “I talked to Parker. Finally,” I said and tried to smile, but Maven shook his head, as if telling me not to smile because I was fooling no one. “I just… pictured it differently, alam mo ’yun? I expected him to shout at me, to curse me… pero alam mo kung ano ’yung sinabi niya sa akin? That I need to grow up.”

“That’s it?” he asked.

I nodded. “He’s right, right? I need to grow up.”

“And your definition of growing up is to run away?”

“No. I just want some peace, Maven. And it’s something that I won’t be able to have kung nandito ako sa Pilipinas. He’s marrying your cousin. Naiintindihan mo ba ’yun? I’d have to see him in every family dinner. I’d have to see him marrying someone else. I’d have to see him build a family that I could’ve had with him.

“I would have to see everything I could’ve had. And it would break me, Maven. It would break me so bad… kaya masama ba na gustuhin ko na umalis bago mangyari pa ’yun? Is it so bad to want to run away and protect myself?”

I looked at Maven and saw him just looking at me.

“Please?” I asked. “I don’t want to fight anymore. Ayoko na. Talo na ako. Just take me away from here…” I told him and I got no response.

Magsisimula na sana siyang kumain nang magvibrate ang cellphone ko. It was Cindy.

Maven snatched the phone.

“Hi,” he answered. “Is she really needed there?” he asked. His face looked blank. He’d always had a soft spot for Cindy since Cindy’s the underdog in the family… but since he married me, nag-iba iyong pakikitungo niya kay Cindy.

Was it bad that I felt good knowing that Maven chose me over Cindy?

“Fine. We’ll be there,” Maven said.

“Ano ’yun?” I asked.

“Dress fitting.”

“Sasama ka?” He nodded. “Pero malapit na ’yung BAR.”

“It’s not as if I’ll fail.”

Napairap ako. “Ang yabang talaga,” bulong ko. “Pero bakit sasama ka nga?”

“Jere told me you were crying. He accused me of making you cry. I just don’t want my son to accuse me of thing I have no control over,” he said. He looked into my eyes. “I know you love Parker and you’ll probably always love him… but please don’t blatantly show my son that his mother’s in love with someone else. He’s too young for that.”

Napaawang ang labi ko.

“I’m willing to annul this marriage anytime, Genesis. Just tell me if you want it. I’d do it. I just don’t want Jeremiah thinking that you’re cheating on me. He loves you. Don’t scar him like that.”

Hindi ko alam pero parang piniga iyong puso ko. Hindi ako makapagsalita.

“I… I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

He sighed. “It’s not your fault that you still love him. But suffering like this is a choice. Make a choice before it’s too late.”

I painfully smiled. The choice had been made years ago.

---

Pagdating namin sa sinabi nila na lugar, agad na nakita ko sila Maggie na sinusukatan ng damit. The guys were also there. Si Parker hindi ko alam kung nasaan.

I should probably start by not wondering about his whereabouts.

“What’s the color?” I asked.

“Not sure. Is it pale pink?” Maggie asked Addie.

I nodded. Psalm wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “But our Genesis here will wear black,” he said and I elbowed him.

“Sobrang epal mo talaga,” sabi ni Maggie.

“Epal ka rin kaya,” sagot naman ni Psalm. Magkapatid na ’to hindi na talaga nagkasundo.

They continued bickering while I sat down and waited for my turn. Maven sat beside me. He wasn’t saying anything, but I felt his stares at me.

Nang tawagin ako para sukatan, bigla kong naramdaman iyong pagbukas ng pinto. I didn’t even need to look to know who just entered.

“Hey, Gen,” Psalm asked. “Jere is asking weird questions.”

“He’s a kid. Of course he’s curious,” sagot ko. Pinilit kong maging kalmado kahit alam ko na nandyan lang si Parker, naka-tingin sa akin. He told me to grow up… ito na ’yun. I needed to just suck this up.

Sandali na lang.

Kahit hanggang sa makasal lang sila.

“He saw Saint kissing Mary and then he asked them if that’s how babies are made. And when I answered it’s the beginning process,” sabi niya kaya binato siya ng throw pillow ni Maggie. “What? I answered because he’s curious!” he defended himself. “And then he wondered how he’s made when he never saw you two kiss.”

Bigla akong napa-tingin kay Psalm nang nakaawang ang labi. Natusok ako ng karayom pero ni hindi ko naramdaman iyong sakit dahil sa gulat sa sinabi ni Psalm.

“W-what?”

He shrugged. “I’m also curious. You’ve been married for almost three years. I’ve never even seen you two hug.”

My lips parted even more. Mas lalo kong naramdaman iyong mga tingin sa amin. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako sasagot.

“Fuck off, Psalm,” I heard Maven say. Agad akong napatingin sa gawi niya. He stood up and went near me.

“What? I’m just relaying your son’s weird question!” he defensively said.

Maven ignored him and looked at me. “You wanna go home?” he asked. I nodded. “We’re leaving,” he announced. Kinuha ni Maven iyong bag ko na nakalagay sa upuan. Palabas na sana kami kaya lang ay madadaanan namin si Cindy at Parker na nakatayo malapit sa pintuan. I tried my hardest to ignore their presence. I just had to. That’s the only way to get through this.

“Hindi ka pa nasusukatan,” Cindy said even before we could walk past the door. Maven halted. We were face to face. The tension was very palpable that it almost made me want to run away.

“I have plenty of suits. I’ll manage,” Maven replied.

Cindy looked at him. “We’re going to be family. We can’t keep doing this,” she said and then looked at me.

“We’re not doing anything,” Maven told her.

“Maven—” Cindy said, but Maven cut her off.

“I know you can’t go against people’s wishes, but stop dragging us into this mess, Cindy.”

“Don’t talk to her like that,” Parker said. My heart hurt when he protected her like that.

“Then tell her to stop dragging my wife into her mess,” Maven sharply replied.

Parker looked at me. It hurt. “ Your wife agreed to be a part of this wedding. Don’t go pointing fingers, de Marco.“

Maven scoffed and then looked at me. “You’re right. We really should migrate after this fucking charade of a wedding,” Maven said, pulling me with him.

Kabanata 51

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 51

I didn’t know what happened after Maven pulled me away with him. All I knew was that he looked so pissed. And after years of living with Maven, alam ko na hindi siya iyong tipo ng tao na mabilis mainis. He’d always been in control of his emotions. He valued logic more than emotion.

And seeing him like this was throwing me off.

“Maven,” I called his name the moment we arrived home. He didn’t stop. Diretso siyang naglakad hanggang sa makarating kami sa kusina. He got himself a glass of water and downed it all.

“One question,” he said. I remained quiet. “Do you really want to leave this place?”

I knew the answer. It was a yes. I wanted to leave this place. Alam ko na kahit kailan, hindi ako magkakaroon ng katahimikan sa lugar na ’to. This place would constantly remind me of all the bad things… and even the good things made my heart clench. It would be best for everyone if I just leave.

“Think about it, Genesis. If after the wedding and you still want to leave, we’ll leave.”

“Your parents won’t—”

He cut me off. “You know I never followed them. This is about you. This has always been about your choice. You begged me to marry you, remember?”

I clenched my jaw. “You know I had no choice.”

“But now you have. Don’t waste it this time.”

I nodded. “Okay,” I said.

“And when you make a choice, be sure. I don’t like certainties, Genesis. You’re the biggest uncertainty of my life. Stop that. I don’t like it anymore.”

My lips parted. “W-what?”

Maven clenched his hand around the glass and stared at me with his cold eyes. “You know how people tend to want the things they know they can never have? That’s you for me.”

“A-ano?” ulit ko.

“You’re like a fucking forbidden fruit. I don’t want to want you, but you keep on tempting me with your fucking tears. You make me want to be a fucking knight in shining armor and save you. Don’t do that. Stop that. I don’t want to love you. I can’t love you. You’re in love with someone else.”

“Maven—”

“I can’t, okay? I can’t love you. I can’t deal with another lost.”

Mabilis niya akong tinalikuran at nagsimulang maglakad paalis. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko alam na ganito ’yung nararamdaman niya.

Akala ko…

Akala ko alam niya.

---

Kinabukasan, nakita ko si Maven. He acted like everything’s normal. Like he didn’t just tell me that he had feelings for me.

“Don’t stare,” he said while I was watching him put toast on his plate.

“I’m sorry,” I quickly said.

“And stop being sorry. Just continue being snarky like you always are,” he casually said and then sipped his coffee. “It reminds me that I can’t live with a nagger like you.”

I didn’t know why he was acting this way, but the more he acted normal, the more he’s making things harder for me. He kept on mentioning annulment, but with the way things were going, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

Would I run away with him and leave everything behind? But Maven said he didn’t want to love me… but running away with him would maybe give him hope. Ewan ko. Hindi ko na talaga alam.

Nang matapos na iyong agahan namin, bumalik na si Maven sa kwarto niya para mag-aral. Ako naman ay nasa garden. I needed air to think. God, I was so confused.

“Cousin-in-law, I’m sorry,” agad kong narinig ang boses ni Psalm.

“Bakit ka nandito?” I asked him. I was in no mood to entertain guests.

“To apologize?”

“You were such an ass. Bakit mo kailangang sabihin ’yun sa harap ni Parker?”

Psalm sat across me and showed me his grin. “Dude—”

“Don’t dude me right now. Gusto kitang suntukin.”

Napakamot siya sa batok niya. “I know I was wrong, okay? But it’s confusing me so much. I know you’re married with Maven, but for the last three years, I’d never even seen you hold his hand. Maven never even talked about you. It’s so fucking weird, you know?”

Nanatili akong tahimik.

“I mean, you two got hastily married. I even remember Parker kneeling and begging and crying! Dude, I knew Parker for years! Mayabang ’yun pero iniyakan ka. I just… It’s a pity. You two looked like you really loved each other.”

“I’m married.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I know… but it looks like a loveless marriage.”

“We have Jeremiah.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I know… but will it be better for him to grow up in this kind of environment? Look, your kid is already confused about the idea of love. He’s a kid, but he already thinks that your relationship with Maven’s the way love should be. If this keeps up, you’ll have him royally screwed up.”

“It’s not that easy,” I tried explaining.

“I know. It’s your life, I get it. I’m just worried about you two.”

“Thank you, but we’re fine,” I said.

He nodded again. “You know my parents are just together because they think it’s the best for us?” he asked. My lips parted. I didn’t know that. “They already separated before, but decided to stay together for their kids. We were all happy when they got back together, but as we grew older, we realized that it would’ve been better if they just separated earlier.”

He continued. “It sucks, you know? It sucks seeing them pretend that everything’s okay when clearly it’s not. I just don’t want that for you. And for Cindy. You two are both important to me. I’d hate to see you two screw your life because you think you don’t have a choice.”

Psalm and I sat together in silence. This was the first time that he became serious. Ang weird pala.

“Will you really migrate after the wedding?” he asked.

“Not sure… Siguro… Baka…”

“Life sure is weird,” he said with a sigh.

“It’s so weird, it’s not funny anymore.”

“Yeah… add to the fact that I’m here to tell you that you’re invited to Cohen’s birthday.”

“Kasama sila Cindy?” I asked and he nodded. “Pass. Pakisabi kay Cohen, happy birthday.”

“Come on! You’re gonna ditch us soon, the best you can do is to at least attend this party!” he whined.

Kinunutan ko siya ng noo. “Kasama doon si Parker. Si Cindy. I don’t want drama. Pagod na ako. Quota na ako for a month,” I explained. And I still had a thing with Maven. God, it’s a confusing month.

But Psalm stayed and didn’t stop until I said yes. He even promised na chill lang daw at masaya iyong party, but I doubted it. It was never chill with Parker around.

---

“Are you still mad?” I asked Maven while we were on the way to the rest house. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nasa iisang van kami. Kasama lang namin si Saint, Mary, Cohen, Austin, Psalm, at Santi. Iyong iba, susunod na lang daw dahil may importante pa silang gagawin.

Maven and I were sitted at the back. Katabi ni Maven si Cohen na mahimbing na natutulog habang may neck pillow sa leeg niya.

I tried talking to Maven, but he’s annoyingly quiet. Hanggang makarating kami sa Tagaytay, tahimik lang siya. We were assigned rooms. Nang makaakyat na iyong iba para magpahinga habang hinihintay namin iyong iba, nagawa kong pilitin si Maven.

“I’m not mad,” he replied.

“You won’t even look at me when we eat.”

“I never looked at you when we eat,” he replied.

“You won’t drink coffee with me.”

“I’m busy. I’m reviewing for BAR.”

“You know you don’t have to review. You’re just ignoring me.”

“What do you want me to do?” he asked with a sigh.

“I don’t want you to be mad at me,” I told him while staring into his eyes.

“Why?” he asked, staring back at me. “Why do you care? You never cared before.”

I gulped. I hated it when he looked at me like that.

“Because…”

“Because?” he asked, still not breaking the stare.

“I don’t know…” I breathed. My chest was dangerously tightening.

Maven took a step forward. I instinctively took a step back.

“Do you like me?” Maven asked.

“A-ano?”

Another step.

“I’ve read this book, Gen. About reciprocity and liking.”

Another fucking step.

“Based on studies, when you receive a feedback that someone likes you, you feel a surge of affection for that person. Thus, if someone likes you, it’s hard to resist the idea of liking that person back.”

Another fucking, fucking step.

I was in dead end. Nowhere to step back.

“Now, tell me, are you a part of that statistics?” he asked. I tried to get away, but he just placed his hand against the wall, trapping me in front of him.

“You know I don’t like uncertainties. Just tell me now. Do you like me?” he asked.

“I… don’t know.”

He leaned down until we’re face to face.

“What’s my favorite subject, Genesis?”

“Science,” I answered, my lips almost quivering.

“You’ve been a fucking hypothesis for so long,” he said, staring at my lips. “Maybe it’s high time we do the experiment,” he continued and then finally kissed me on the lips.

I froze.

I didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t know what I should feel.

“Holy fuck—”

We stopped when we heard glass shattering… only to see everyone watching us—Parker and Cindy included.

Kabanata 52

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 52

Everyone was still.

No one was moving.

“Oh, my god.” Maggie was the first one to break the silence. “You guys kissed. I know you’re married, but it still felt… weird.”

My eyes were stuck on Parker’s face. For a moment, I saw him clench his jaw and ball his fist, but now his face was impassive. Nakita ko na hinawakan ni Cindy iyong kamay niya. I didn’t know what was happening.

“So… what are we gonna eat?” Psalm asked.

Hindi ko pa rin alam ang gagawin ko. Everyone began to move and pretend that that didn’t just happen, but my hands were still shivering.

“I’m gonna sleep,” Maven said. Mabilis na umawang ang labi ko.

“After kissing me in front of everyone, you’ll sleep?!” I hissed.

Maven faced me. “What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know!” I hissed again. “San mo ako dadalhin?!” I asked when he pulled me.

“Sleep,” he said.

“Tone the noise down, guys! May kasama kayo dito,” Psalm shouted over—for everyone to hear. That ass! He’s so freaking weird!

Nang makarating kami sa kwarto, totoo nga ang sinabi ni Maven. He’s already fast asleep. It’s one of his talents—mabilis makatulog. As he was sleeping, I watched him. I… had no idea how his freaky mind worked. He’s the one who always told me that this marriage was nothing more than a marriage of convenience. He even told me that the idea of making it real was creepy.

And now, he’s acting like this.

I wanna choke him in his sleep.

Nang hindi ako makatulog, dumiretso ako sa labas. It was cold, but I was feeling bothered by that effin’ kiss kaya hindi na ako nag-abala na magdala pa ng cardigan.

Everyone was busy. For some weird reasons, they didn’t want to bring help with us kaya sina Maggie iyong nagvolunteer na magluto. Si Saint naman kasama sa kwarto si Mary. About the others? I couldn’t be bothered. My mind’s a pool of mess.

I knew guards were following me, but I really couldn’t care less. I just needed some air to breathe and some time to think. Diretso lang akong naglakad hanggang sa kung saan na ako makarating. I stopped when I felt tired. I sat down on the grass and hugged my knees.

I spent the whole day getting massage. Truth was, I didn’t want to see anyone. I felt sorry because today’s about Cohen, but God, I just didn’t know how to go back after everyone seeing Maven and me kiss. Nandun kasi si Parker.

When night dreadingly fell, I had no choice but to come back. They were all at the back side of the house, grilling barbeque. Dumiretso ako roon.

Maven just looked at me when he saw me coming. I begrudgingly sat beside him.

“I got a massage,” I said.

“Okay.”

“Hindi mo ba ako hinanap?”

“No,” he replied.

“You weren’t even worried?”

He shook his head. “You’re a grown up. You need time. I understand that.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. I’d never fully understand Maven. He’s a huge enigma to me… but it felt nice to hear him call me a grown up. Sobrang nasaktan ako nang sinabi ni Parker na kailangan kong magmature. As if everything I did before was out of whim.

I helped Psalm with the barbeque. The other guys were beginning to drink… and even now, I was starting to smell trouble. Parker and Maven mixed with whisky didn’t seem like the best idea.

“Just drink with them. Ako na rito,” I told Psalm.

“Nah. I’m in no mood to stop a fight.”

“You’re the one starting a fight.”

“Gen, I’m starting to sound like a starving person. I always ask people if they’re hungry when things start to get tensed!” he defensively said.

Natawa ako. Psalm and his cakes. “Yeah, I know, but sige na, doon ka na. I’ll finish this.”

The guys began to drink. Mary was resting because she’s not allowed to be stressed. Si Maggie naman ay may kausap sa phone niya. Si Addie ay nagbabasa ng libro. Ako lang talaga ’yung nagvolunteer na mag-ihaw ng barbeque. It wasn’t that bad, though. At least my mind was somewhere else.

As the night grew older, the guys began to become weirder. Their laughter got louder, they’re even shouting. It’s just so funny because they’re drunk and arguing about the blackhole. I even saw Santi drawing a detailed plane-model. These weirdos.

When I finished the last batch of barbeque, papasok na ako pero nakasalubong ko si Maven na galing ng CR. His face was red.

“Are you seriously drinking?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice was different from usual. He’s kinda drunk.

“Why?” I asked again. His cousins had always pressured him to drink, but he always held his place. He’s never the kind of person who’d be told to do whatever.

“Parker,” he simply replied.

“Ha?”

“He’s been snarky ever since the kiss,” Maven simply replied.

“You’re just drunk,” I said. “He doesn’t care anymore about me. Imagination mo lang ’yan. Gusto mo na bang ihatid kita sa kwarto?” I offered. I’d hate to see him suffer from hangover.

Maven’s eyes looked drunk and lazy. I wanted to pull him upstairs and make him sleep. I tugged on his sleeves, but he ended up hugging me. Di hamak na mas malaki at mas mabigat siya sa akin kaya naman napaatras ako nang napaatras hanggang sa masandal ako sa pader.

“Maven, mabigat ka,” I said, trying to push him away from me.

“My head hurts,” he slurred.

“Don’t drink again,” I replied, patting his head.

“Gen…”

“Hmm?”

“I drank because…” he trailed. His voice sounded really drunk. “I wanted to ask him if he’s still in love with you.” I stilled. I froze.

“What if… I don’t want an annulment?” he asked before falling asleep.

I couldn’t carry Maven upstairs. Maggie and Addie were both already asleep. I tried to ask the guys to help me, but they’re all passed out. I was about to go outside to ask one of the bodyguards to help me nang makasalubong ko si Parker. Dapat ay lalagpasan ko siya pero para siyang tanga na hinaharangan iyong daan ko.

“Ano ba?” naiinis na sabi ko. I looked at him, but it didn’t seem like he wanted to talk. I tried to walk past him again pero hinarangan na naman niya ako.

“Ano bang problema mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. Maven’s passed out on the floor and the floor’s freezing cold! Mamaya magkasakit ’yun!

“Kung wala kang sasabihin, padaanin mo na lang ako,” sabi ko sa kanya. Nagsimula akong maglakad palayo, pero naramdaman ko na hinawakan niya iyong braso ko.

“Why?” he asked.

Natigilan ako.

“Why… did you do that to me?” he continued. I slowly peeled his hold on me, but he just gripped tighter. “Just please tell me why. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan.”

Nang hinarap ko siya, kitang-kita ko kung paano mamula iyong mga mata niya. Hindi ko alam kung dahil lasing siya o dahil maiiyak siya. But it didn’t even matter. We’re done. Tapos na kami.

“Hindi mo naman kailangang intindihin. Tapos na.”

“But I want to. Every time I look at you, I wonder where I went wrong. I wonder what I did so wrong for you to do that to me,” he said, his voice cracking.

“Ikakasal ka na.”

“Nauna kang magpakasal.”

My heart clenched. I knew I shouldn’t have come.

“I asked you before… I even begged you not to do that to me… but you still did it, Genesis. You completed me only to destroy me again. Bakit? Bakit mo ginawa sa ’kin? Hindi ko maintindihan.”

“Lasing ka lang.”

“Maybe… but even when I’m not drunk, I still wonder why. I still wonder why after everything, you still chose to hurt me. Ha? Bakit? Sabihin mo naman sa ’kin kasi hindi ko talaga maintindihan. I fucking needed you that time. My father was dying. I needed you by my side pero ano ’yung ginawa mo?”

Umiling ako.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” I said and tried to get away from him, but he held my arm.

“You can’t escape again. You can’t disappear and leave me wondering again!” he shouted.

“Parker, ano ba!”

He pulled me and made me face him. His lips were quivering and tears began to fall.

“I’m so fucking mad at you! I wanna hurt you so bad! You fucking destroyed my life, Genesis! The least you could do is not to kiss someone in front of me! I deserve that after you fucked my life!”

I was shaking. This was what I wanted, right? But why did this feel so wrong? I didn’t want to hear these words from him.

“Just… tell me why…” he begged.

“May Cindy ka na,” I choked out. “Bakit mo ba ’to ginagawa? Hindi mo ba siya mahal?”

He painfully smiled. “Love? You of all people should know that love is a thing that I don’t even trust. You wanna know why I’m with Cindy? Because she won’t hurt me. She won’t hurt me like you did. Genesis, I’ve been hurt a lot of times before, pero ikaw? You’re a fucking piece of work.”

I forced a smile. His jaw clenched.

“Don’t worry, you won’t see me ever again after the wedding.”

Sinubukan kong umalis pero hinawakan na naman niya iyong braso ko.

“And what? Have a happy family? Live a happy life? You want that? If you want that, then you shouldn’t have done that to me! I would’ve given you everything!” he shouted.

“Tapos na nga! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan?! Hindi ko na mababalik! Nagawa ko na!” sigaw ko pabalik.

His hands were shaking. “Kasi tangina hindi ko nga maintindihan! Bakit mo ginawa?! Mahal na mahal naman kita! Pinakasalan kita, e! Tapos biglang sasabihin mo sa ’kin na hindi totoo? Na iba ’yung papakasalan mo?!”

“Sinabi ko na sa ’yo…” naiiyak kong sabi. “Ayokong mawala lahat sa ’yo. I fucking chose you! I fucking chose to save you and your family! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan ’yun?!”

“I never asked you to do that! If you really cared about me, you would’ve known that I’ll choose you. Always. Pero ikaw ’yung unang bumitiw. Lagi naman, ’di ba?”

“What? You wanted me to watch you lose your father? Iyon ba ’yung gusto mo? Na nandyan lang ako sa tabi mo habang namamatay ’yung tatay mo? Iyon ba, ha? Iyon ba ’yung gusto mo na ginawa ko?” tanong ko. “Parker, I loved you. Alam mo ’yan. Hindi ako bumitiw, ’di ba? Kahit nung ayaw mo pa sa akin, nandun lang ako… pero iba kasi ’yung nangyari. Pamilya mo na ’yung kasali. Ayokong maramdaman mo ’yung naramdaman ko dati. Ayoko na mawalan ka ng pamilya. Hindi masarap sa pakiramdam. Ayoko na mabawasan ka pa ng tao na nagmamahal sa ’yo.”

Umiling siya. “You know what the problem is? You never asked me.”

“Because I know that you’ll choose me. And I don’t want that. I don’t want you to lose your family. Alam mo na ’yan ’yung dahilan ko. Bakit ba galit na galit ka sa akin? Ikaw lang ba ’yung nasasaktan? Hindi ba ako nasasaktan?”

He scoffed. “Nasasaktan ka? You have a son with Maven! You fucking lied to me! Kaya mo ba sinabi sa akin dati na hindi ka pwedeng magkaanak dahil akala mo hihiwalayan kita dahil don? Kating-kati ka na ba na hiwalayan ako kaya kung anu-anong kasinungalingan—”

I slapped him. “You fucking asshole. Ganyan ba kababa ’yung tingin mo sa ’kin?”

Napahawak siya sa pisngi niya na sinampal ko. “Why? Was I wrong? Did you fuck you better? Did he make you scream louder?”

Dire-diretso ang tulo ng luha ko.

“Jeremiah’s not my son. He’s Maven’s son with Abby,” I said, tears falling. “I didn’t lie to you. Bakit mo iniisip ’yan? Ganyan na ba talaga ako kadumi sa isip mo?”

Sumisikip iyong dibdib ko. Alam ko na hindi ko dapat sabihin, pero hindi ko na kaya iyong mga sinasabi ni Parker sa akin.

“I… never even have slept with Maven. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi umaasa ako na isang araw, tayo pa rin… Because if I sleep with him, then that means that I can never be with you again… That our marriage will be real… and I don’t want that. If it’s not with you, I won’t want that…”

Pinunasan ko ’yung luha ko.

“Pero wala na siguro talaga, Parker. Hindi siguro talaga tayo. Nagkakasakitan na lang tayo. Tama na. Ayoko na.”

Kabanata 53

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 53

“W-what?” Parker asked. Unti-unting lumuwag ang hawak niya sa braso ko. “He… he’s not your son?” Hindi ako sumagot. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sa kanya. It wasn’t even my story to tell! But I felt the need to tell him… na hindi ako nagsinungaling sa kanya. Because God, why would I even do that to him?!

“Then why?” he continued. “Why are you staying with him if he has a son with someone else?”

Words left me. I didn’t know how to address any of his questions. Parker stared at me, glared at me. I knew he wanted me to clear whatever he was thinking, but I was left at an incapacity.

And when he got nothing from me, he angrily marched towards the kitchen. He found Maven lying on the ground. Bigla kong nahigit ang hininga ko nang hatakin niya mula sa sahig si Maven.

“Parker!” gulat na sabi ko. He pulled Maven’s collar and slammed him against the wall. At bago pa man makapagdilat ng mga mata si Maven, agad na suntok ang inabot niya.

My heart began to drum inside my chest. Everyone’s fast asleep. The guards were outside. Kami lang tatlo ang nandito.

“Parker, ano ba?!” sabi ko habang pinipigilan ko siya.

“You fucked someone else and you marry her?!” galit na galit na sabi niya. “And you even made her take care of someone else’s child?! Gago ka ba talaga?!”

Maven still looked confused and inebriated.

“Parker!” I tried to stop him, but he was so enraged.

“Don’t,” he sharply said, looking at me while holding Maven’s collar. “Just… don’t. Don’t do this to me again, Genesis. Don’t choose him over me. Tama na.”

“You’ll kill him!”

Mas humigpit ang hawak niya. “I… I fucking begged you. Not to marry him. And even after you married him, I still begged. Mukha na akong tanga, pero wala akong pakielam. Naniwala kasi ako sa sinabi mo na tayo lang…” he said, his fists were shaking in anger. “I only stopped when I learned about the kid. Tapos sasabihin mo sa ’kin ngayon na hindi mo anak? Hanggang ngayon ginagago mo pa rin ako? Hindi ka ba napapagod?”

Nilipat niya iyong tingin niya kay Maven.

“You fucking asshole,” he said, seething in anger. “Do you really find delight in ruining my life?”

Maven stared at him, finally alert. The side of his lips was bruised. “Why do you even care? You’re marrying Cindy. Don’t tell me you’ll dump her again? Because if you do, you’re a bigger asshole than I ever will be,” sabi niya at saka mabilis na tinabig ang pagkakahawak ni Parker sa kanya.

Parker’s lips parted.

“What? Am I right? Now that you learned that Jeremiah’s not Gen’s son, you’ll dump Cindy?” Maven asked him. “Do you want me to wake her up? So that she’ll know what an asshole you really are?”

Sumisikip na iyong dibdib ko.

Their stares could kill.

“I…” tanging nasabi ni Parker.

“What? What do you want? Please fucking inform me so that I can adjust my life to your needs,” Maven said, his words laced with sarcasm.

Parker looked troubled. He couldn’t just dump Cindy. I knew he wouldn’t. She’s been in enough trouble because of him… He wouldn’t do that to her twice.

“You already got the girl. And it’s not Genesis. Be fucking contented,” Maven said before dragging me away with him.

Bago pa man kami makapasok sa kwarto, agad ko na namang naramdaman ang hawak ni Parker.

“Don’t,” he said. Maven was staring at his hand holding mine. “Don’t be in the same room,” he pleaded.

“We’re married,” Maven said.

“You’ve never consumated your marriage. No. I won’t allow. I can’t,” he said, tightening his hold on me. Bumaling sa akin ang tingin ni Parker. “Gen…” pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko.

Maven clenched his jaw. Nagulat ako nang bigla siyang pumunta sa kwarto ni Cindy at binuksan iyong pinto.

“Maven!” I said in horror.

“I’m done playing,” Maven said. “Let’s just end this tonight.”

Mas lalong nahigit ko ang hininga ko nang gisingin niya si Cindy. She was still yawning, but stopped when she saw Parker holding my hand.

She looked at me and then at Parker.

“Parker?” she asked, her voice scared.

Sinubukan ko na tanggalin iyong hawak sa akin ni Parker, pero hindi ko magawa. The more I tried to resist, the harder he held on.

“What’s happening?” Cindy asked.

I was frightened.

I didn’t want to answer.

“Cindy, I’m sorry—”

“No,” Cindy quickly said. “You won’t do this to me again, Parker,” sabi niya at nagsimulang magtubig ang mga mata niya. “Don’t. Don’t do this to me again. I can’t.”

Hindi bumitiw sa hawak niya sa akin si Parker.

“I’m sorry,” Parker said.

Cindy shook her head. “No. Ayoko.” Lumapit siya at saka tinanggal iyong hawak sa akin ni Parker, pero hindi niya magawa. Tears fell continuously. I couldn’t even look at her.

“Cindy, I’m sorry,” Parker repeated.

“No,” Cindy replied. She was crying. Her face looked hurt. She looked betrayed. “You begged me to say yes. I didn’t want to say yes, Parker! You begged me! Sabi mo ako na! Sabi mo wala na siya!” sabi niya sabay turo sa akin.

“I’m sorry,” Parker repeated again and again. “I thought I was done… but I’ll never be done with her.”

Cindy slapped him.

And again.

“She’s married! And she has a child! Are you that obsessed with her that you’ll ruin a family?!” she shouted while crying.

Cindy slapped him over and over again. Pahigpit nang pahigpit ang hawak sa akin ni Parker. He just stood there and received her slaps. He just stood there and whispered I’m sorry.

“I love her,” Parker said.

“What about me? Don’t you even love me?” she asked.

She didn’t get an answer.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na nakatayo doon habang pinapanood si Cindy na umiyak at sampalin si Parker. All I knew was that she walked out, crying.

Nang maiwan kaming tatlo, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. My heart was racing inside my chest.

Parker was the first one to break the silence.

“File the annulment tomorrow,” he told me. Mabilis na napaawang ang labi ko.

Maven scoffed. “Really? Right in front of me?”

“You fucking stole her right under my nose. You don’t deserve an ounce of courtesy from me.”

“I’ll be your lawyer. It will be a strong case. You’ve never even slept together,” Parker said.

“That’s a ground I can easily break,” Maven replied.

Parker glared at Maven. “Do it and watch me break your face.”

Maven clenched his jaw. “Why don’t you run after your fiancee and stop convincing my wife about annulment?”

Parker ignored him and looked at me. “Genesis, do you hear me?” tanong niya. “You still love me, right?”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanya. “Si Cindy,” ang tanging nasabi ko. “Parker, you hurt her. Again. Don’t ask me about annulment. It’s not just about us.”

“I’ll talk to her. But please…” he said, holding my hand.

Hindi ako sumagot hanggang sa makaalis siya.

“Maven…” I trailed. His face was starting to bruise. Sinubukan ko na hawakan pero mabilis niyang natabig iyong kamay ko. Wala siyang sinabi at nagsimula lang siyang maglakad paalis.

Tulala lang ako habang nakatayo roon. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. I had never been confused like I was at the moment. I felt like everything’s been handed to me, but the choice was the hardest to make. Everything was at stake.

---

Kinabukasan, nagtataka silang lahat kung bakit nawawala si Parker at Cindy. They saw Maven’s face, but no one bothered to ask. They knew.

“Mary,” I called her. Everyone’s busy again, but I was in no mood to join any festivities. “I’ll ask you something, but I don’t want you stressed.”

She nodded and smiled. “Sure.”

“When… you chose Saint over Parker, how did you decide?”

“I love Saint. That’s the only choice to make.”

“Hindi ka ba nahirapan na sabihin iyon kay Parker?”

She sighed. “Up to now, that’s still the hardest decision I had ever made… I didn’t want to hurt Parker, but it had to be done, you know? Kasi doon din naman kami pupunta. Papahabain ko lang kung hindi ko sasabihin agad.”

I nodded in silence. It sounded easy, but it was so hard. I didn’t even know what to do, to say. I was at an impasse.

“Is that the reason why Parker and Cindy left?” she asked.

I nodded and deeply sighed. Sinabi ko sa kanya iyong mga nangyari kagabi. I even told her about the reason behind the marriage. I just felt at ease with Mary. She was never the judging type.

“Do you still love Parker?” Mary asked.

“Kailan ba hindi?” sagot ko. “Pero hindi naman tungkol lang sa amin. Nandyan si Cindy… si Jere. It’s complicated.”

Mary reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Just carefully think about what you really want… and then make the final decision. It’s hard right now, but if you don’t do anything, you’ll end up living a life you regret. Mas mahirap ’yun.”

Nagpasalamat ako sa kanya. Sasama na sana kami sa pagkain nang magulat kaming lahat nang pinapauwi na kami sa Manila. Mabilis kaming bumalik at dumiretso sa ospital na sinasabi nila na puntahan namin.

I didn’t know what exactly happened, but when we opened the door, we saw Parker kneeling.

“Cindy, please… I’m sorry… but I really can’t marry you. ’Wag namang ganito,” he begged Cindy whose wrists were covered with bandage.

Kabanata 54

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 54

We were all frozen. No one moved. No one dared to move. We all stood there, watching Parker beg Cindy again. But this time, he was begging her to let him go.

My heart was painfully clenching inside my chest. I feel for Cindy. I didn’t want her to get hurt like this. She deserved just as much as everyone deserves happiness…

But what if Mary was right? A decision had to be made… because living a life we regret would be the bigger regret?

Why couldn’t love be easy?

“Don’t do this,” Parker said. I couldn’t see his face. All I saw was how he was holding Cindy’s hand while kneeling in front of her. Cindy’s face was blank. She looked… hopeless.

“Don’t try to kill yourself for me. Don’t do that. ’Wag ’yun, Cindy.”

And as if on cue, tears began to cascade down her pale face. Unti-unti niyang tinignan si Parker. I didn’t know if they knew that we were there… but even in the silence of the room, I could hear hearts breaking.

“But you make me want to kill myself,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry,” Parker said again and again, as if those two words were enough.

“You did this to me before. You’re doing this to me again. Akala ko ba alam mo ’yung pakiramdam ng nasaktan? Bakit ginagawa mo rin sa ’kin? Bakit paulit-ulit? Laruan mo ba ko?” Her lips quivering, tears falling.

Sinubukan ko na tumalikod para umalis. This was too much. Everything was too much.

“Don’t,” Maven said, holding my wrist. I tried to pull my hand from him. I didn’t want to see this. “You have to see this,” he continued.

Umiling ako.

Ayoko.

“You have too see the repercussions of every decision. This is it, Gen. Someone will get hurt. You have to see this.”

Umiling ako.

“Gusto kong umuwi.”

He stared at me. “Then you will see Jere. He’s one of those repercussions. He loves you.”

“Akala ko ba—”

“I won’t stop you if you want an annulment. But I want you to consider everything. I’m tired of seeing you regret every decision you made, as if someone pointed a gun at your head.”

“Your mom—”

“I know,” he cut me off. “You made a decision. At least own up to it. You’re the most indecisive person I have ever met. Stop that.”

“What do you want me to do? I can’t control Parker!”

Tumaas ang boses ko. Napatingin sa gawi namin si Cindy at Parker. Mas lalong bumilis ang pag-iyak ni Cindy. As if seeing me opened the wound.

“You can. You just ignore that you can,” Maven said and then nudged his cousins to leave. Para akong natulos sa kinatatayuan ko nang makita kong papalapit sa akin si Parker. I wanted him to stop. To not do this in front of Cindy.

Especially in front of Cindy.

“Gen,” he said my name.

My lips parted. Words escaped.

Ginusto kong makapagsalita pero hindi ko magawa. Not with Cindy like that. I couldn’t be happy seeing someone go through that pain. I couldn’t be happy that way.

“Parker,” I said, braving the pain that was about to come. “Wag ganito.”

He tried to hold my hand, but I flinched. Not in front of Cindy.

“She doesn’t deserve this.”

I couldn’t even talk to Cindy. I couldn’t even look at her. I didn’t think I had the rights to.

“You were the one who proposed to her. Dalawang beses pa nga, ’di ba? Bakit mo ba ’to ginagawa? Maayos na… Mahal mo naman siya, ’di ba?”

“That was before I knew that Jere’s not—”

“I didn’t give birth to him, but he’s still my son!” I hissed. “Parker, of all people, ikaw ’yung may alam kung gaano kahirap ’yung posisyon ni Cindy. Bakit mo ba ’to ginagawa sa kanya? Hindi ka ba napapagod? Kasi pagod na kaming lahat.”

Hindi siya nakapagsalita.

“Dito pa ba kayo mag-uusap sa harap ko?” Nabigla ako nang magsalita si Cindy. “Just leave. Wala kayong ginawa kung hindi pahirapan ako.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

“I’m… sorry,” I whispered.

“Are you even really sorry? This is what you wanted all along, right? Na bumalik si Parker? Ito na. Ayan na. Bakit nakokonsensya ka ngayon?”

Hindi ako makapagsalita.

“Pareho kayong selfish. Bagay na bagay kayo.”

Mabilis na sumikip iyong dibdib ko.

“Cindy—” Parker said.

“Don’t even say my name!” she shouted. “This is your fault! You fucking spawn of hell! You’re so selfish! Iniwan mo na ko dati, e! Okay na ako! Tapos babalik-balik ka, sasabihin mo sa akin na mahal mo na ulit ako… ako naman si tanga naniwala… tapos ganito? Ano ba ’yung ginawa ko sa ’yo, Parker? Bakit mo ako ginaganito?!

“You should’ve just left me alone! Sana mukha ka na lang tanga na naghintay d’yan sa Genesis mo! Tutal baliw na baliw ka naman sa kanya, ’di ba? Handa ka nga na mawala lahat, e! Bakit mo pa ko dinamay?! Nananahimik ako!”

Pareho kaming natahimik sa sinabi niya.

“Nasasaktan ka? Kasi kasal na siya sa iba? Kasi hindi niya pala anak ’yun? Wow, Parker! Ikaw lang ba nasasaktan?! Pano naman ako?! Dinamay mo lang ako dito!”

She was crying so hard. I held my breath when she started to remove the bandage on her wrist.

“Cindy!” Parker shouted.

“This is your fault! You hated your Uncle for doing this, yet you’re driving me to do the same! I fucking hate you!” she said and struggled while Parker was trying to contain her.

Hindi ako makagalaw.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pwede kong gawin.

All I knew was that, happiness wasn’t an option for me. Not this time.

---

It took a needle to calm Cindy down and to put her to sleep. The doctor also told Parker about the option of putting Cindy under suicide watch. It clenched my heart to hear about her situation.

Tahimik kaming nakaupo ni Parker sa bench sa labas ng kwarto ni Cindy.

“Parker,” I said after minutes of deafening silence. He didn’t move. He was just as tired as I was. “I can’t.”

I felt him stiffened.

“Don’t do that to her because of me. Don’t do this to me.”

Hindi pa rin siya nagsasalita.

“You love her, ’di ba? Kahit kaunti?” I asked. “Kasi kung mahal mo siya, ’wag mong gawin sa kanya ’to. Gusto mo bang maulit lang ’yung dati? Gusto mo bang mabuhay na sinisisi ang sarili mo kapag may nangyari sa kanya?”

I waited for him to say something, anything. I had always loved his silence, but not right now. I needed him to address the situation, and not just hastily make decisions based on feeling. Tama kasi si Maven. Nakaka-tanga lang din talaga kapag puro puso ang pinapagana.

“Do you want me to marry her kahit ikaw ’yung mahal ko?”

“That was the plan, right?”

“Then you shouldn’t have told me about Jeremiah. You changed everything. You gave me hope. Again.”

His voice was so calm that it scared me.

“What if Cindy kills herself?” Chills ran down my spine. “Can you live with that? Kaya mo ba?”

Sinandal ni Parker iyong likod niya sa pader. I saw him close his eyes. He looked tired, so tired.

“Do you think marrying me while knowing that I love someone else won’t drive her mad? It will just make the situation worse.”

I remained silent.

“I’m not you, Genesis. I’m not a saint. I never claimed to be one. I just want to be happy. That’s what I want. What I had with Cindy? That was me settling because I thought I had no chance at happiness. Kasi ’di ba pinakasalan mo si Maven? But that changed. You changed that thought. Kaya bakit ako na lang palagi ’yung masama? Masama bang gustuhin ko na sumaya? Masama ba kung alam ko na sa ’yo ’yun kaya kahit ang sama ko na sa tingin ng iba, ginagawa ko pa rin?”

Kahit nakapikit siya, nakita ko kung paano tumulo ’yung luha pababa sa pisngi niya.

“I love Cindy… but not as much as I love you. Do you understand me, Genesis? I love you beyond reasons. Kahit parang gago na. Kahit ang sama ko na. Akala mo ba okay lang sa ’kin na nakikita kong ganto si Cindy? I knew her for years! Once in my life, she was the center of my world. But not anymore. Kasi ikaw na ’yun.”

I wanted to touch his face, to wipe his tears.

“I don’t care if people say that I’m selfish… basta ’wag ikaw,” he pleaded. “’Wag ikaw.”

We sat in comfortable silence. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal.

“You can’t stop me from leaving her. You can’t,” he said after what felt like an hour of silence. “But I won’t force you to be with me either. I just… don’t want happiness if it’s not with you.”

He stood up and opened the door to Cindy’s room.

“Pagod na rin ako.”

---

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang makatulog sa labas ng kwarto ni Cindy. All I knew was that I woke up to loud sounds. Nang idilat ko ang mga mata ko, agad kong nakita sila Psalm.

“What—”

Agad akong tumayo at parang huminto ang puso ko nang makita ko iyong tatay ni Cindy na sinusuntok si Parker.

And he was just accepting every punch.

Sinubukan kong pumasok, pero naramdaman ko na hinawakan ako ni Psalm sa braso ko. He shook his head, as if telling me that this wasn’t my fight.

“I’m sorry,” Parker said repeatedly as punches were threw his way.

Uncle Bert wasn’t saying anything, he held Parker by his collar. I had never seen him this mad. Ngayon lang.

“If something happens to my daughter, God forbid…” he threatened.

Napaupo ako. Tinabihan ako ni Psalm.

“Parker talked to Dad,” Psalm began. I wasn’t even asking. I was tired of hearing how fucked up everything was. “He told him that he doesn’t want to marry Cindy anymore. And the rest… well, you’ve seen it.”

“It’s so fucked up,” I whispered.

“He won’t give it up,” Psalm continued. “He’s crazy about you.”

“I don’t think that’s a good thing.”

Love makes us do crazy things… but to what extent?

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko, sinubukan na ’wag marinig iyong mga nangyayari sa loob. But I still could. I could hear every punch thrown. Every sorry uttered. Every silent plea.

Nagulat ako nang lumabas si Parker. His face was bruised.

“Parker—”

“I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this for myself,” he said before walking away.

Kabanata 55

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata

 55

Nang makarating sa ibang myembro ng pamilya iyong nangyari, hindi na ako nagulat nang makita ko si Beatrice sa bahay. Although she already promised to stay out of our business, I knew that this one, she couldn’t resist.

She just wouldn’t be able to.

“No,” she said.

Maven was in his study. Bukas na iyong simula ng BAR exam niya. I tried my best to stay out of his way. I had already messed up a lot of things. Ayoko na masama iyong exam niya sa listahan.

“Beatrice, please. Pagod ako,” I told her. I had been up all night. Kahit ano’ng gawin ko, hindi ko magawang maka-tulog. My thoughts kept me awake. All the what ifs stole my sleep.

Sinubukan ko na umalis, pero hinawakan niya ako sa braso.

“No annulment, Genesis. You can’t leave my son! And Jeremiah! Maawa ka naman sa bata!”

I tried to get her away from me. Hindi ko na nga maisip ’yun! Hindi na nga gumagana iyong isip ko! Every day, my mind would try to think, but I just ended up with nothing. Kasi kahit ano naman ’yung gawin ko, may masasaktan. Wala namang tamang desisyon sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko.

There’s just no winning this life.

And the fucking problem with me is that I couldn’t choose.

I just couldn’t.

Kasi alam ko na may masasaktan. At ayokong may masaktan. Iyon ang problema ko. Kung sana ako lang, e…

“You’re his mother!” she continued.

I harshly removed her grasp from me. “Then you should’ve thought of that bago mo ginawa ’yung ginawa mo kay Abby!” I shouted. “It’s all your fault! Ikaw naman ’yung dahilan kung bakit nagkakilala kami ni Maven, e! You asked for this! ’Di ba ayaw mo rin kay Abby dati kasi kagaya ko siya? You fucking wanted to remove her from Maven’s life to the point na nabaril ’yung sarili mong anak!”

My chest was heaving, but I badly wanted to get this off my chest.

“Why? Is being poor a sin? Ginusto ba namin na ipanganak ng ganon? Kasalanan ba namin? Sisihin mo ’yang anak mo na mahilig magkagusto sa mahirap!” sigaw ko sa kanya. “Lahat ng kagagahan mo, ako na lang ginagawa mong dahilan! Na-comatose si Abby dahil sa kagagahan mo! Pina-nganak si Jere habang comatose iyong nanay niya! My God, Beatrice! Wala bang hangganan ’yang kasamaan mo?! Tao ka pa ba?!”

Her lips parted. She didn’t expect this outburst from me. I kept it all in. But I couldn’t anymore. Not when she’s telling me that again, everything’s my fault.

“You wanted me to claim Jeremiah as my son? Sige lang! Kahit nagtataka ’yung mga tao kung bakit parang ang laki na niya para sa edad niya, sige lang. Mahal ko na ’yung bata, e. Pero ngayon? Pati si Parker na wala naman akong magawa sa desisyon, ako pa rin may kasalanan?! Bakit ’di mo na lang pakasalan ’yung anak mo?! Tutal wala namang good enough para sa ’yo, ’di ba?! Magaling ka, e!”

Tahimik pa rin siya.

“This marriage was bound to fail from the very beginning. You of all people should know that. Kahit walang Parker ngayon, alam mo na maghihiwalay kami ni Maven. Kaya ’wag mo akong artehan ngayon, please lang. Pikon na pikon na ako.”

Tinitignan ko siya at hinintay na magsalita siya. I just wanted her to understand. To at least listen to me. Because she never did. Sa paningin niya, wala akong nagawang tama. Kahit ginawa ko lang naman lahat para sa kanya, sa pamilya niya, kay Parker.

“What about Jeremiah?” she asked.

“I love Jeremiah, alam mo ’yan.”

“Are you going to annul the marriage?”

I pursed my lips.

“That’s for me to decide,” I quietly answered. “But I’ll do everything not to hurt Jere. Kahit iyon na lang.”

She stared at me, not contented with my answer, but that’s all I could offer. I couldn’t promise that her son wouldn’t get hurt. That’s not up to me. Kasi kahit ano naman ang gawin ko, may masasaktan.

Beatrice asked me if she could take Jeremiah for the mean time. I agreed. That would be the best for now. Habang inaayos ko iyong mga dadalhin ni Jere, he asked me.

“Mama…” he called. I continued folding his clothes. “Is Uncle Parker going to take you away from me?”

My lips parted.

“What?” I managed to ask despite being caught off guard.

“Papa talked to me…” he silently said. “He said that I’m a big boy, so I should understand… but I don’t understand, Mama. Are you going to leave me?”

Biglang nanikip iyong dibdib ko dahil sa mga sinabi niya.

“What? Of course not. I’ll never leave you,” I said, trying to convince him.

“But Papa said that you love Uncle Parker… He said that it’s not your fault. Will I have a new Mama? Or is Uncle Parker going to be my new Papa?”

Natulala ako sa harap niya. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Hindi ko alam ang mga sagot sa tanong niya.

“Jere—”

“Just be honest with me, Mama. I’m a big boy. I’ll try to understand. I won’t hate you, I promise,” he said and then raised his hand.

Mas lalo lang nanikip iyong dibdib ko. Ito ’yung dahilan kaya hindi ko magawang magdesisyon. Ayoko na masaktan ’yung bata na ’to. He would never deserve to go through that pain…

Instead, I pulled him close and hugged him tight.

“I love you, you know that?” I told him.

“I love you, too, Mama. I’ll never hate you,” he replied.

---

Nang naka-handa na lahat ng gamit ni Jere, mahina akong kumatok sa kwarto ni Maven. I knew I shouldn’t disturb him especially when his BAR exam begins tomorrow.

“Maven,” I called his name. I knew he could hear me. I was unsure if he wanted to see my face. “Nandito ’yung Mama mo. Sa kanila daw muna si Jere.”

“Okay,” he simply replied.

Hindi na ako nagsalita pa pagkatapos nun. Lumabas lang ako at saka binigay iyong mga gamit ni Jere sa driver ni Beatrice. We both didn’t say a word. We may argue a lot, but we both care about Jere.

Nang makaalis sila, bumalik lang ako sa kwarto. Tahimik akong nakaupo sa kama. My phone vibrated and I saw Nari’s name. I contemplated on answering her call, but later gave in.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Hi,” she replied. She sounded different. “Uhm… I don’t know if you’re aware pero…”

Bumilis lang iyong tibok ng puso ko dahil sa paraan ng pagsasalita ni Nari.

“Look, I don’t know kung dapat ko bang sabihin pero para wala ng miscommunication—”

“Ano ba ’yun?” I asked. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.

“Parker is… uhm… sabi ni Preston, Parker had a talk with his Dad. As in ’yung seryosong usap daw. Walang suntukan o sigawan involved. Kay Parker na kasi naka-pangalan ’yung law firm. Siya ’yung may hawak ng major stocks… pero sabi niya sa Papa niya, it’s either ibabalik niya sa kanya or payagan siya na ibenta. Sabi niya, ayaw niya na raw talaga.”

My lips parted.

“What?”

“Nakita mo na ba ulit si Parker?” she asked. I said no. “He’s… purple. I’m worried about him, pero sabi naman ni Preston, enlightened na raw si Parker. Ewan ko sa magbest friend na ’yun, pero sabi ni Preston, lalaki na raw si Parker finally.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Ulit.

“Kausapin mo naman, oh? Kawawa naman ’yung tao… bugbog na bugbog na sa family ni Cindy. I mean, alam ko naman may Maven ka, pero baka naman mapatay ng pamilya nila si Parker. Ni hindi lumalaban ’yung tao. Puro sorry lang lumalabas sa bibig.”

Nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita si Nari. Tahimik akong nakinig sa lahat ng sinabi niya.

Nang matapos siya, nanatili akong tahimik. I contemplated on what to do. And prayed. I needed guidance. I needed to know what I should do. What I wanted to do.

I knew that someone would get hurt… but I needed to know what I really wanted… so that the pain would at least be worth it.

---

I didn’t know why, but I went to Cindy. She was staying with the GDL for the mean time. I received glare from Uncle Bert, but he said nothing to me. Naiintindihan ko naman. She’s his daughter.

Naka-salubong ko si Austin.

“Today’s not a good time,” he simply said.

“Today’s just as good as any other day,” I simply replied.

He sighed. Minsan ko lang makausap si Austin, pero alam ko na siya iyong pinaka-matino kausap sa kanilang magkakapatid.

“Is there a shortage of guys? Why do you even fight?” he said, sighing. Tinignan niya ako. “Cindy’s resting. I advise you not to talk to her. She’s not in the best place right now.”

“Pinupuntahan ba siya ni Parker?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. Everyday. And everyday, he’d beg and say sorry. It’s like I’m living in a drama.”

Wala akong nasabi pagkatapos ’nun. Tahimik akong pumunta sa sinabi ni Austin na kwarto ni Cindy. I stood in front of the door for what felt like an hour.

And then I knocked.

Dahan-dahan kong binuksan iyong pinto at saka pumasok. I saw her lying down. Her eyes were open. She was staring at the ceiling.

“Cindy,” I said. She didn’t move, but I knew that she knew that it was me. I stayed in my place, didn’t dare to come any closer. “I… don’t know what to say. Pero… I’m sorry. I know you’re tired of hearing this, but I really am sorry. I don’t want what’s happening right now… you don’t deserve this… I’m sorry.”

This could’ve easily been the most clichéd statement, but this was what I wanted to say. To apologize. For everything. She didn’t deserve an inch of what was happening to her.

Nanatili akong nakatayo, walang sinasabi. Nang aalis na ako, bigla siyang nagsalita.

“Are you going to be with him?” she asked with what was left of her voice.

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. Hindi ko alam.”

Hindi ako makagalaw. Parang hinihintay ko siyang magsalita, pero natatakot din ako sa sasabihin niya.

“Be with him. You deserve him. Para matapos na.”

Her voice… sounded like she was just done. It frightened me.

“Magsama na kayo para wala ng madamay,” she continued. “Nakakapagod na. Tapusin niyo na.”

Each second passing was giving me a heart attack.

“I won’t kill myself, if that’s what’s stopping you. Parker doesn’t deserve shit from me. I won’t end my life for someone as worthless as him. Bagay kayong dalawa. Magsama kayo.”

Dahan-dahan akong humarap sa kanya. She was still looking at the ceiling.

“How can you say that about him? You know him best, ’di ba?”

She scoffed. “Yeah… he’s not the Parker I fell in love with. The Parker right now? He’s the worst version of himself. I don’t deserve someone like him. Pero ikaw, baka oo.”

Mas lalong umawang ang labi ko.

“I don’t know why I even cared. You two bring out the worst in each other. You both like drama so much. You two are perfect for each other.”

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga naririnig ko sa kanya. Alam ko na nasasaktan siya, pero ang sabihin niya ang mga ’to tungkol kay Parker?

“Cindy—”

“Be with him. Marry him. I don’t care anymore. I’m just done. So fucking done with Parker.”

“Iyon ba talaga ang tingin mo sa kanya?”

“He used me. He dumped me. Twice. What do you think?” she mocked. “If you want him right now, at the state he’s in, then be my guest. Be with that pathetic loser.”

Cindy… she rendered me speechless. The spite in her voice was very palpable. Like she already reached the point of not return. That she hated Parker down to her core.

---

Tulala lang ako hanggang sa makalabas ako sa kwarto ni Cindy. Nang papalabas na ako, natigilan ako dahil naka-salubong ko si Parker.

And true to Nari’s words… his face was covered with bruise.

We both stared at each other for what felt like a lifetime. Naka-tingin sa isa’t-isa hanggang sa may bumasag ng katahimikan.

“You’re giving up the firm?” I managed to ask. He nodded. “Why?”

“It’s not really what I want,” he simply replied.

“Pero si—”

“It’s not what I want, Genesis. This is now about what I want,” he said, sounding tired. Like he, too, was just done with everything.

“So… after everything, you’ll just give it up?”

“I would’ve given it up a long time ago… kung sana tinanong mo lang ako. Hindi sana tayo aabot sa ganito.”

There it was.

The sound of my heart breaking.

“Sometimes, I wonder if you really knew me… kasi kung kilala mo ako, alam mo na hindi ko gusto maging abogado. You’d know how I hated everything about my life. You’d know that you’re the only one that mattered. But maybe you never knew me at all. You always decide for me.”

I stood in front of him, loss for words.

“I’m sorry for this mess. I’ll fix this. This is the last, I promise.”

Bigla akong kinabahan.

“H-ha?”

He tried to smile despite the bruises.

“Uncle Shiloah has a nice cabin in London. Maybe I’ll stay there for the mean time,” he said, making me part my lips in surprise. “If this is a game, then I accept defeat. I’m sorry, hanggang dito na lang ako.”

“So… aalis ka na lang?”

He nodded. “That was your plan, right? To leave?”

“Wow. After ruining everything, you’ll just leave.”

He pressed his lips. “I’m leaving because I’m the cause of your problems. Pagod ka na. Pagod na rin ako. Hanggang dito na lang.”

He tried to walk past me, but I didn’t let him.

“Hanggang dito na lang?” I asked.

“I don’t even know who I am right now,” was his reply.

Huling Kabanata

#JustThisOnce

Huling Kabanata 

“Where are we going, Mama?”

I adjusted Jeremiah’s bag and made sure that he looked presentable. He’s growing up so fast! Parang kahapon lang, ang bata pa niya. Now, he’s about to go to school.

“We’re going to see someone,” I told him.

“A stranger?”

I shook my head. “Someone you’ve been wanting to see for a long time.” His eyes sparkled, I knew he knew who we’re talking about. But Jeremiah being Maven’s son, he kept quiet. But still, I could see the excitement on his face.

Sinabihan ko siya na hintayin niya muna ako dahil kakausapin ko lang ang Papa niya. Mabilis akong umakyat hanggang sa makarating ako sa kwarto ni Maven.

“Hey,” I said. Agad siyang tumingin sa akin. His face reflected the stress in his job, but for some reasons, it made him more attractive.

Tumayo siya at saka may inabot na envelope sa akin.

“Is this it?” I asked, a bit scared. Maven nodded, but didn’t say another word. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. Should I say thank you? But that would be weird… so I settled with the most familiar thing between us—silence.

I didn’t bother opening the envelope. There’s a right time for that. For now, we had more important matter to discuss.

“Maven,” I called when he began to go back to his work table. He’s been a lawyer for almost two years. Dalawang taon pa lang, but he’s already achieved so much. He’s one of the busiest lawyer in the country, and he’s already being groomed for politics.

“What?”

“I checked your sched. You’re free for two days.”

“Do you see these?” he said and then pointed at the pile of folders that just kept on growing every single day. Who would’ve thought that Maven would accept pro-bono cases? It’s so unlike him.

“Those can wait,” I said. “We need to go somewhere.”

“No,” he quickly replied.

I sighed. “Maven—”

“Look, you can’t run away from this forever. You already made a mistake, but now, there’s a chance for you to make things right.”

Maven’s eyes looked colder than ever. “I let you meddle with most things in my life, but no this one,” he said with finality in his voice.

“Suit yourself, I’m gonna take Jere anyway,” sabi ko sa kanya sabay labas sa kwarto niya. I knew Maven wouldn’t be able to resist. I lived with him for almost 5 years. I learned a thing or two about him. Alam ko na pagdating sa bagay na ’to, hinding-hindi niya matitiis.

I went to my room and got my bag. I had been prepared for weeks. I waited for this. I craved for this.

“Are we leaving na, Mama?” Jere excitedly asked.

I nodded. “Did you tell Yaya to prepare your things? And your passport?”

He nodded with a huge smile on his face. “Yes, Mama! I did everything you told me!”

I smiled and hugged him so tight. Jere asked me if he could ask questions and I told him yes. At dahil doon, nagsimula na kaming mag-usap. Ni hindi ko napansin na nasa airport na pala kami. We proceeded and checked-in before we went to the lounge.

“Is Papa not coming?” he asked.

“He’s coming,” I replied. “Let’s just patiently wait for him, okay?” sabi ko at tahimik na tumango si Jere. After that, naghanap muna kami ng makakain. The plane would leave in quarter an hour. Naniniwala ako na dadating si Maven. He wouldn’t not show up. He knew how important this was…

“What is she like?” Jere asked.

“I’m not sure,” I replied. “I really haven’t talked to her.”

“I think she’s nice,” he said.

“I think so…”

I was half-scared. I loved Jere… but this was the right thing. I just hoped she’s as good as Jere’s imagination. I would hate to see Jere disappointed.

It was only fifteen minutes until boarding.

“What if Papa doesn’t show up? Will she believe— Papa!” Jere said with such delight. Napatalikod ako at saka nakita ko si Maven. This ass. Dadating din pala. Sobrang pinakaba niya ako!

Jere quickly ran and hugged his Papa. Kahit na medyo malaki na si Jere, he’s very affectionate lalo na sa Papa niya. Sabi niya kasi, mas kailangan ni Maven ng tao na magpapa-kita ng love sa kanya. Even in his son’s perspective, mukhang kulang sa pagmamahal si Maven. Sobrang bato kasi.

“Dadating din pala,” I said while looking at him.

“Are you serious?” he asked.

I nodded. “I told you that I’d do this.”

“You don’t even have to do this. We can manage.”

I shook my head. “No, you can manage. Jere wouldn’t. I want him to continue being as affectionate as he is right now.”

Maven didn’t say a word after that. Tahimik kami hanggang sa pinapasok na kami sa eroplano. Once we were all seated, Maven brought out his laptop. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

“Hanggang dito trabaho?”

“I’m not like you. I can’t just run away,” he replied.

Agad na napaawang ang labi ko. I couldn’t believe he was saying this. Alam niya na ito ’yung plano ko. Na ito ang mangyayari. Why was he being so unfair? Akala ba niya madali lang sa ’kin ’to?

“You know I’m not running away,” I told him.

“Then what is it that you’re doing?”

Before I could utter a word, napa-tingin ako kay Jere. I loved this kid… ako ’yung kilala niya na nanay… ako ’yung nagpalaki sa kanya… but we all know that this wasn’t right. There’s someone else who should be doing what I was doing.

“I’m choosing myself,” I said.

After 2 years, I was finally choosing myself.

---

When we arrived in Singapore, Jeremiah was hyper. He kept on bouncing—it was so unlike him.

“I’m so excited, Papa!” he said. Maven just smiled kahit na alam ko na hindi niya alam kung ano ang dapat niyang sabihin. He’s always been quiet, but when it came to this topic, he’s more of tongue-tied.

“What did I tell you?” I asked Jere.

“That I should be quiet and I should let Papa speak first,” Jere diligently said. I smiled and fought the urge to hug him.

We went to the hotel first para iwan ang gamit ni Jere. I prepped him for what’s about to happen. Although he had an idea about who we were meeting, alam ko na malaki pa ring pangyayari ’to hindi lang para kay Jere kung hindi para kay Maven na rin.

After I was done prepping Jere, tinignan ko si Maven na tahimik na nakatayo sa isang gilid.

“It’ll be okay,” I said.

“Why are you doing this?” tanong niya na may halong inis. I knew he didn’t want to do this. I was just forcing him… because we both knew that this was the right thing.

“Maven, she’s Jere’s mother. You’re being unfair na ayaw mong dalhin si Jere dito sa Singapore.”

“She doesn’t even remember us!”

Napaawang ang labi ko. This was one of the rare times na nagtaas siya ng boses. I guess Abby would always be that one name that could bring color in Maven’s monochromatic life.

“That’s not even the point. The point is, may anak kayo at ayaw mong bigyan ng pagkakataon si Jere na makilala ’yung nanay niya.”

“You’re his mom—”

“And I will always be his mom… but Maven, Abby is his biological mother. Don’t be unfair. You know I’m right.”

Silence enveloped us.

“I know you don’t want to include Abby in your life… after what happened before… but it’s different now… you can protect her now…” I said and then patted his shoulder. It was his fear. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw niyang bumalik sa buhay nila si Abby. Dahil para kay Maven, mas magiging tahimik at malayo sa kapahamakan si Abby kapag wala sila sa buhay nito. But it would be unfair. May anak silang dalawa.

Nang makarating kami sa ospital, ramdam ko ang kaba ni Maven. I held his arm and squeezed it.

“What do I tell her?” Jere asked, tugging my sleeve.

“Wait for Papa to talk to her first, okay? After that, you can ask her all the questions you want,” I replied.

“Okay!” Jere said with a huge beam on his face.

The whole way to Abby’s room, parang nanlamig ang buong katawan ni Maven. He didn’t say a word hanggang nasa harap na kami ng kwarto ni Abby.

“Papa, talk to her! And then introduce me!” Jere said, almost jumping on his place.

Maven was stuck in his place.

“Kaya mo ’yan,” I urged.

Nang pumasok si Maven sa loob, naiwan kami ni Jere na nakaupo sa labas. He was very excited, I could tell. I wished that Abby would be good to him. He’s very precious.

“Mama…” Jere said. I looked at him. “Will you be really leaving?”

I nodded and smiled at him. “Yes. We talked about this already, right?”

He sighed. “Yes… but I’d still miss you so much, Mama…”

“You’ll have your mommy.”

“I know… but you’re different. I’ll miss you so much… Please tell Uncle Parker to take care of you, alright?”

There was a pinch in my heart upon hearing that name. It had been two years. Two years of radio-silence from him… totoo nga iyong sinabi niya… na pagkatapos niyang maayos iyong gulo sa kanila ni Cindy, bigla na lang siyang nawala.

He’s gone.

Just like that.

I didn’t try to find him… alam ko kasi na tama siya. It just wasn’t the right time for us. Masyadong magulo. Masyadong maraming madadamay.

We knew we wouldn’t be happy knowing that we’d hurt a lot of feelings… kasi tama naman… That sometimes, it’s all about the timing.

“Okay,” I replied. “But take care of your Papa, okay?”

He nodded. “But Mommy should take care of Papa, right? Because you were the one who took care of us while Mommy was sleeping.”

Napa-ngiti ako. “Yes… but help your Mommy, alright? You’re a big boy na. Don’t make her head ache.”

My chest was tightening. This goodbye felt so real… it was like I was giving him away when he wasn’t even mine to begin with.

I was in the middle of telling Jere on how to take care of his Papa when the door swung open. Jere jumped from his seat.

“Can I go inside?” he excitedly asked.

Maven nodded and Jere ran inside.

“Okay ba?” I asked. Maven nodded. I smiled. “Told you everything will be okay.”

Tumayo ako at saka kinuha iyong gamit ko.

“Are you leaving?” Maven asked.

I nodded. “My flight’s in 3 hours. Sa airport na lang ako maghihintay,” I said. Nanatili na naka-tingin sa akin si Maven. “Won’t you even say goodbye?”

“Won’t you be returning to the Philippines?” he asked.

I shrugged… because truth be told, I didn’t know if there’s a Parker waiting for me when I arrived in London.

“I’ll drive you to the airport,” he said.

I waved my hand no. “Wag na. It’s your big family reunion. I’ll just take a cab,” sabi ko at saka kinuha iyong gamit ko. I didn’t even bring much… just enough to stay for a few days. I didn’t know what I’d be seeing in London. Hindi ko alam kung magtatagal ba ako o uuwi.

I was clueless… but I wished that there’s someone waiting for me.

My hand was in my luggage and I already bade goodbye.

“Genesis,” Maven said. Napatigil ako. “I really loved you.”

Hindi ako lumingon.

I loved him, too… but I love Parker. Sometimes I think more than I have ever loved anyone.

---

After almost 14 hours inside the plane, I finally arrived at the London Heathrow Airport. My body felt tired, but my heart was racing wildly inside my chest.

Mabilis akong sumakay sa train para makarating sa city. Ni hindi ko na kailangan pang tignan sa papel kung saan naka-tira si Parker. I knew the address by heart.

“Wala ka na ba talagang hiya? Gusto mo pa talaga siyang sundan sa London?” bungad sa akin ng Auntie Imogen nang pumunta ako sa kanila.

My lips parted. I didn’t know how to explain myself. I just didn’t have a choice. Pakiramdam ko kahit ano ang piliin ko, may masasaktan… I just couldn’t choose…

Until Parker made the choice.

He left.

“You already made a fool out of him nang pabayaan mo siyang magmakaawa habang kinakasal ka doon sa Maven mo! Ngayon, sinira mo ’yung engagement niya! Tapos ngayon gusto mong malaman kung nasaan siya?! Gusto mo bang atakihin ako sa puso dahil sa ’yo?!”

I stayed. Kahit ilang beses niya akong sigawan. I just didn’t know how to find Parker… And I felt like I was going to lose my mind kapag hindi ako gumawa ng paraan.

“Imo—”

“Stay out of this, Shiloah! I’ve been quiet the whole time dahil sinabi ni Parker na mahal niya ’tong babae na ’to! But not this time! She’s bringing him down!” she shouted and then pointed at me. “You’re still married, for heaven’s sake! Bakit ba gusto mong sumunod?!”

I had no words.

She was right…

But I still couldn’t just sit and not do anything.

“Paalisin mo ’yan, Shiloah!” she said and the marched away from me. Naiwan ako roon na hindi alam ang gagawin. No one knew where Parker was—not even Mary and Preston. I was going crazy thinking kung nasaan na siya.

“Uncle…” naiiyak na sabi ko. He was my last hope. “Please naman… sabihin mo sa ’kin kung nasaan si Parker… Pakiramdam ko mababaliw na ako…”

My chest was tightening. I couldn’t breathe. The thought of permanently losing him was making me mad.

“Genesis, you’re still married,” Uncle Shiloah said.

Nagsimulang tumulo iyong luha ko. Bakit ganoon? Bakit ang hirap sumaya? Bakit parang wala akong karapatan na sumaya?

“Hindi ko naman ginusto… Si Parker naman ’yung mahal ko… Ano po ang gagawin ko? Pakiramdam ko ipit na ipit na ako sa mga nangyayari…”

He stared at me, pitying me. Alam ko. Nakakaawa ako. Para na akong tanga. Na dapat na akong tumigil… pero ano ang magagawa ko kung hindi ko kaya?

Kung kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas, siya pa rin?

Na gusto ko, kami pa rin?

“If you go there, nothing will change—”

“Pero mahal ko po talaga siya…”

“I know… but you should fix things first… like how Parker tied loose ends before going away…”

Uncle Shiloah made me promise to fix everything first. Naghintay ako ng dalawang taon bago na-annul ang kasal namin ni Maven. Dalawang taon habang unti-unti kong sinasabi kay Jeremiah na hindi ako ang tunay niyang ina. Dalawang taon bago sinabi ni Uncle Shiloah kung saan nakatira si Parker.

Dalawang taon.

Sapat na siguro ’yon para mahanap ni Parker ang sarili niya.

“We’re here,” the driver said.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko.

Shit.

Nandito na.

Mabilis akong nagbayad bago bumaba. My whole system was in chaos. My mind was in a haywire. I tried to calm myself, but I was failing miserably.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad. Each step was making my heart burst inside my chest. Kasi paano kung nagbago na? Paano kung may iba ba? Kaya ko ba?

And there he was. 

Reading.

The Catcher in the Rye.

It was still his favorite book. It gave me the hope… na baka hindi pa naman nagbago ang lahat.

“Par—” I was about to call his name, but someone beat me to it. Mabilis na sinara ni Parker iyong libro at saka tinignan iyong babae na tumawag sa kanya.

“Imogen,” he said, staring at the girl with blue eyes.

Katapusan

#JustThisOnce

Katapusan 

“You’re always crazy when you’re in love,” Preston told me while I was asking him for help. I really wanted to marry Gen as soon as I could… but I also remembered that she deserved everything. She didn’t deserve a quick wedding from me—she deserved the world.

And if it’s a beach wedding that she wanted, it’s a beach wedding that she’d get. I just have to be a little bit creative.

“Shut up if you’re not going to help,” I said.

Surprisingly, Preston’s a good help. Dati naman kasi wala siyang kwenta pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay. Since Nari came into his life, Preston learned a trick or two about being romantic. Minsan nakakasuka.

“Buntis ba si Gen kaya atat na atat kang pakasalan?”

I chose not to comment. This was between Gen and me. And it’s only Genesis who has the right to decide about whom would know about her condition.

“Sige na, text mo na lang ako kapag start na. Nasa kwarto lang si Nari, e,” Preston said before ending the call. Right after, I pretended the everything’s going according to plan—my plan, that was. Gen was completely cluess. I had never surprised her, I hoped that she’d like this one.

“Gen,” I said, gently tapping her cheek. She was still fast asleep. I could stare at her all day, but I really wanted to marry her. Ang daming epal sa mundo. I just wanted to make she that she’d finally be mine. And legally, too. I’d fucking sue all their asses.

God, I just wanted a happy family. Was that really too much to ask?

“Hmmm…” Her eyes were still closed. I wanted to let her sleep, but we had a long day ahead of us.

“Wake up,” I said.

“Okay. Five minutes lang,” she said.

I smiled. This one. She’s so fucking adorable without even trying. Sometimes, she annoys the hell out of me and makes me want to stab myself, but at the end of the day, it’s still her who I wanted to see.

“We have an appointment,” I said.

She opened her eyes. “Oh, shit,” sabi niya sabay napaupo. “Ngayon na, noh?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Ready?”

She wrinkled her nose. “Wala naman akong choice, ’di ba?”

I shook my head. Hell if I’d let her run from me again.

Gen bought a white dress for today. She insisted on hiding it from me, so I still had no idea on what she would look like. But I knew that she’d look amazing. I’m so fucking in love with her—of course she’s always amazing in my eyes.

She shooed me away and made me change in the public CR. Seriously. She’s the only one who could make me do things like this.

After I was done changing, I came back to our hut. The door was close. I wanted to wait and to give her time, but we had an appointment.

“Gen,” I said after knocking. “Are you done?”

“Wala naman tayong ginawa kung hindi kumain at matulog, pero bakit lumuwag iyong damit ko?” she replied.

“You’re forgetting something we always—” I hadn’t finished my sentences yet when the door swung open. She was glaring at me kaya natawa ako. “You done?”

“Hindi ako satisfied sa itsura ko,” she said, gently biting her lip.

“I’m sure you look fine.”

“But it’s our wedding day! Dapat maganda ako!” she said like a kid.

“Maganda ka—”

“Tss. Palibasa siguro sawa ka na sa maganda kasi ’di ba maganda naman lahat ng ex mo?”

Fucking Tristan. It’s his fucking fault why Gen’s so insecure. If he really did love her, he’d never make her feel lacking. He’d never make her feel like she’s not deserving of anything wonderful.

I was trying my best… I hope I could make Gen feel loved. Becuase if it wasn’t for her, I was long done with love. I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling anything ever again. After Imogen dumped me, I felt something inside me die.

Akala ko iyon na.

Akala ko tapos na.

And then Gen came into my life unexpectedly. She’s everything I never asked for… but she’s also everything I never thought I wanted.

She may think that she’s lacking, but for me, she completed everything.

“I love you,” I said. Her lips parted. “Let’s not talk about anyone else, okay?” I said and then held her hand. She has such small hands. I loved how small Gen is. It made me want to put her inside my pocket and hide from everyone.

“Okay…” she breathed.

We began to walk. She was quiet. She was overthinking again. I hope she’d stop that.

We went to the decoy wedding first because the judge told me that he’d be running a little late. I was fidgeting the whole time. I wanted this to be perfect. I needed this to be perfect.

If I could, I’d fucking treat her like a queen, so she’d stop feeling sorry for herself. She’s driving me insane whenever she’d think that she’s ugly. It made me feel like I wasn’t loving her enough for her to feel that way.

“Para kang sira,” she said while we were sitting outside the judge’s office.

“I’m just nervous,” I said and then held her hand. “I have a feeling that something will go wrong.”

She squeezed my hand. “Nothing will go wrong,” she told me. “You’re here. I’m here. Ito na talaga ’yun.”

---

Gen was crying. She couldn’t even breathe from too much crying.

“Mrs. Palma na ba talaga ako?” she asked while burried in my chest. She was so fucking small. So cute.

“We still have to file the marriage license, but sure, you can use my surname,” I said and she pinched me.

Gen and Nari were talking about girl stuff when I went to buy food for us. I was starving and I didn’t want to begin our married life by starving my wife.

Gen may be a small girl, but her appetite’s huge. Sometimes, I wonder kung saan niya dinadala iyong kinakain niya. I got her a lot of options to choose from, hindi ko kasi alam kung ano ang gusto niyang kainin ngayon.

As I was about to open the bottled water for her, “Parker,” Preston said. His face was aghast. “Uncle Tripp…” he began.

Naka-tingin lang ako.

“He went into a cardiac arrest.”

Shit.

I didn’t know what exactly happened. I fucking drove so fast that we reached Manila in no time. We went to the hospital and I quickly went to my dad’s room.

“What happened?” I asked the doctor.

“Your father has been suffering from stress and had a minor cardiac arrest.”

My chest was tightening. I wanted to punch someone. Tahimik akong nakinig sa doctor habang pinapaliwanag niya iyong mga nangyari at kailangan kong gawin.

“No more stress for you dad, Parker. Another one might be fatal,” he said, tapping my shoulder. My entire body felt cold. I had disagreements with my dad, but I never wished for him to die. I barely handled it when my mom died. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko kapag may nangyaring masama sa kanya.

I sat on the chair and watched my dad.

“You can’t leave me, too.”

He was sleeping soundly… as if he didn’t just almost die.

“Bawal ba akong maging masaya? Bakit kapag malapit na akong maging masaya, at saka may mangyayari na ganito?”

Paano… ako magiging masaya kasama si Genesis kapag may nangyaring masama sa kanya? Bakit palaging ganto?

“Parker.”

Agad akong napatingin. He opened his eyes. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Tumayo ako para tawagin iyong doctor, pero hinawakan niya iyong kamay ko.

“Why are you here?” he asked. His voice was so small. A part of me hated myself for causing him this. But I just wanted to be happy. Why do I always have to feel bad for wanting to be happy?

“I’ll call the doctor,” I said.

“You said you wanted to run away,” he replied. I remained silent. “Why are you here?”

I couldn’t say a word.

Why was he saying like I asked for this to happen?

“I just want to be happy,” I said.

“Then why are you here?”

I fisted my hand. “Why are you doing this?” I asked him. I tried not to say anything, but he’s fucking doing this to me again. “You left me, Pa. You fucking stayed in the US while I went home to fix everything. Hindi mo ba naaalala? Pinabayaan mo ako. Alam ko namatayan ka ng asawa, pero nawalan din naman ako ng nanay. I worked hard to sustain that firm! I fucking studied law even if I didn’t want to! Three years, Pa. Three years of my life, I wasted with that firm! Now, I just want out… pero bakit ang sama ko pa rin? I fucking did everything to be a good son. Now, can’t you be a good father? Kahit ngayon lang?”

I was shaking.

I was so mad at him.

He couldn’t fucking die and make me the bad guy.

He didn’t want the firm! He was just clinging onto some memories. Why was he making me suffer? I didn’t want to suffer anymore. Gusto ko na sumaya.

Nakakapagod maging malungkot.

“Ang mama mo…” he said.

“She’s dead! Patay na! Patahimikin na natin!” I couldn’t help but raise my voice. I tried so hard to move on, why couldn’t he do the same? Or at least let me live in the present. Kasi masaya na ako. Bakit kailangan ulit akong hatakin pabalik?

He began to shake his head. Paulit-ulit. Then he cried. Those tears… I fucking hated each one of them.

Did he want me to die, too? Because if I lose Gen again, I’d fucking lose everything.

---

“Si Gen?” I asked Preston who was staying outside.

He looked at me. His face told me that something was wrong.

“Nasaan si Genesis?” I repeated myself.

Preston didn’t say a word, but his silence spoke a million words.

I tried calling her, but she wasn’t picking up any of my calls. My chest was tightening, but I kept on telling myself that everything’s going to be fine. She’s already my wife. What more could go wrong… right?

But of course I was wrong.

Kasi Parker ang pangalan ko. Bawal yatang sumaya ang mga pangalang Parker.

“What?” I asked.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“How… can you get married? You’re already married to me.”

My entire body felt cold. I couldn’t even recognize the person in front of me. She was looking at me, but she didn’t look the same. She looked different. Like she wasn’t the one I just married.

Tumalikod siya. Sinubukan ko na hawakan siya, pero mabilis akong naharangan ng mga guards niya. Fuck. Kailan pa siya nagkaroon ng guard?!

“Gen!” I called her name. “Genesis! Tangina naman! Ano na naman ’to?!”

Para akong tanga. Sumisigaw pero walang nakikinig. Ganito na lang ba lagi?

“Parker, tama na,” sabi ni Preston. Halos mawalan na ako ng boses. Genesis. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi pero walang lumalabas.

“Am I fucking dreaming?” I asked him. “Can you punch me?”

Naka-tingin sa akin si Preston, awang-awa sa itsura ko. Gusto kong matawa sa sarili ko. Why did I always have to beg for love? Why did I always have to do this?

“Tama na.”

“Bakit ganito?”

“Uwi na tayo.”

“Si Genesis…”

“Tama na, Parker. Suko na.”

Umiling ako. “Suko? Pinakasalan niya ako! Tapos ganito? Ginagago niya ba ako?!”

Hindi alam ni Preston kung ano ang gagawin niya sa akin. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang gagawin ko sa sarili ko. Naaawa na ako sa sarili ko. Pero ang gago ko. Pagdating sa kanya, hindi ko alam ’yung salitang suko.

Paano ako susuko kung hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagkamali?

Pinilit ni Preston na maiuwi ako sa kanila. Ni hindi niya ako madala sa amin dahil sa takot niya na magpakamatay ako.

“Umalis ka nga,” sabi ko habang naka-harang siya sa daan ko. “Lalabas ako.”

Umiling siya. Nag-igting ang panga ko.

“Ano bang problema mo?”

“Bukas ka na lang lumabas,” sabi niya.

Tinignan ko siya. “Bakit hindi ngayon?”

Tinignan niya akong mabuti. Kahit wala pa siyang sinasabi, alam ko na masasaktan ako. Pero tinignan ko pa rin siya. Bakit hindi? Masaktan? Sanay naman ako.

“She’s… getting married today.”

Napaawang ang labi ko.

“Ano?”

“She’s getting married today, Parker. Suko na. Ha? Tama na. Nahihirapan ako para sa ’yo.”

My shoulders began to shake. I couldn’t understand what the fuck was happening.

“She’s married to me!” I shouted. “You fucking saw that! She married me! Ano’ng kalokohan ba ’to?!”

Preston tried to explain, but my mind wouldn’t hear any of it. I fucking punched him in the face and ran out. I grabbed my keys and drove to wherever the hell she’s getting married at.

I tried calling her again, but she wouldn’t answer any of my calls. I even tried to call Maven! Fuck this life!

Nang makarating ako sa simbahan, nakita ko kung gaano karami iyong tao. Tangina totoo nga. Pakiramdam ko hindi ako makagalaw. Parang malaking joke lang lahat.

Tapos…

Ayun siya.

Naka-suot ng puti.

Ganito ba ’yung pakiramdam ng namatay? Kasi pakiramdam ko paulit-ulit akong pinapatay habang naka-tingin sa kanya. Sa kanya na magpapakasal sa iba.

“Gen…” I tried to call her name.

Napa-tingin siya sa gawi ko.

Ang tanga ko lang. Kasi inisip ko na kapag nakita niya ako, magbabago iyong isip niya. Na sasabihin niya na hindi naman totoo lahat ng nangyari.

“Uwi na tayo,” sabi ko.

Pero dumiretso lang siya papasok sa simbahan.

---

“Parker, hindi ka pa rin ba titigil?”

“Hindi. Kahit mamatay ako, hindi ako titigil.”

“It’s been months. Ilang lawyer na ba ’yung nakausap mo? Wala ngang laban, ’di ba? Naayos nila lahat, e. Tigil na.”

Tinignan ko siya.

Tigil? Paano ako titigil kung hindi ko alam kung bakit ko kailangang tumigil? Bigla na lang… nawala. Ni isang salita, wala akong narinig mula sa kanya.

Paano ako titigil?

“Parker,” narinig ko ’yung boses ni Nari. “Gen’s pregnant with Maven’s child. Sapat na ba ’yun para tumigil ka?”

And just like that… I stopped.

---

“Sabi ni Nari nakita niya raw na kasama mo si Cindy?” Preston asked. I nodded. I was too busy reviewing for the BAR exam. “So… ano’ng meron?”

“Nothing,” I simply replied.

“Weh?”

I didn’t say a word, but Preston sat down and began to annoy me. I closed the book and looked at him.

“Ano bang gusto mong malaman?”

“Bakit kayo magkasama ni Cindy?”

“I just saw her, okay?”

“Tapos?”

Fuck. So annoying. “We had dinner.”

“Tapos?”

“And another dinner. Ano bang gusto mong malaman?”

“Are you dating?”

“Dating? Do I look like I’m in the mood to date?” I asked, I was sure there was a scowl on my face.

He shrugged. “It’s been almost two years. Malay ko ba?”

But I ate my words. Right after I passed the BAR exams, my father threw celebration… and Cindy’s invited. I didn’t know what exactly happened. We just had dinner night after night. She was fun to be with. Familiar. Comfortable.

I asked Cindy if she wanted to have dinner with Preston and Nari, since those two were bugging me. Thankfully, Cindy agreed. I’d have to stab myself kapag kinulit pa rin ako nung dalawa na ’yun.

“So… kayo na ulit, huh?” Nari asked.

Cindy smiled and then looked at me. “Parker?” she asked, waiting for my confirmation. It had just been dinner after dinner… we really hadn’t defined anything yet.

“Yeah,” I just replied, not wanting the extra attention for myself.

They began to talk and I concentrated on the whisky. It had been so long since I last drank. The alcohol felt good in my system.

“Seryoso ba ’to?” Preston asked when it was just the two of us.

“What made you think that it wasn’t?”

“Gen,” he simply said.

“Is married and has a kid,” I continued. His lips parted. He didn’t realize that I wasn’t crazy or suicidal… I just realized that it just wasn’t meant to be.

I love her… but even that love wasn’t enough for me to destroy a family.

---

Cindy and I had been dating for months. Dad was hinting about having grand kids.

“Cindy,” I said. We were at her place. She was doing something in her laptop while I was reviewing cases.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to marry me?”

I thought she was going to say yes. I knew she loved me. Kasi bakit siya sasama sa akin? I was damaged. Only someone who loved me so much would even consider being with me after everything that happened.

“No,” she said.

“Why?” I just had to ask.

“You don’t even have a ring, Parker,” she said with her soft voice. She was smiling. She didn’t even look mad. “Ask me again… when you’re serious.”

It took me almost a year before I decided to ask her again. She’s been with me ever since. College pa lang, nandyan na siya. She was even my first. But… I just didn’t love her as much as I used to. It was just the memories. Because she was familiar. She was comfortable.

But why was I even objecting? This was as good as it’s ever gonna get. I needed to learn how to be contented.

I told Cindy that we’re going to have dinner at her favorite restaurant. She was so ecstatic. For the past weeks, I had been very busy with work. Pero kahit na ganoon, hindi siya nagreklamo. She was just very supportive. I didn’t even know why she was staying with me. She deserved so much more than what I was giving her.

“Are you sure they’re open? Bakit walang tao?” she asked upon noticing that we’re the only two people in the place.

And that was when I dropped on my knee.

“Cindy Ruiz,” I said. Her lips parted. “I’m not perfect. I don’t deserve you. Heck, I don’t even know why you’re staying with me,” I continued as her tears began to fall down her cheeks. “Thank you for staying with me, for loving me, for staying… You’ve been there ever since. You know I’ll always love you. Will you marry me?” I asked and then opened the box.

I didn’t even know what I was saying. Words just fell out of my mouth.

“Yes, Parker! Of course, I’ll marry you!” she said, cupping my face and kissing my lips.

---

“Parker…” she said.

“What?”

“I saw Gen.”

“Tapos?”

“Are you not affected?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “She’s married. She has a kid,” I recited.

Cindy just nodded, didn’t say a word after that anymore.

One day, she told me that Genesis was going to be our wedding coordinator. I wanted to ask what the fuck was happening, but I didn’t want to show her that I was flipping shit.

It was one thing to ignore Gen’s presence, it was another to have her plan my wedding.

I knew she’s around.

I didn’t even know how I survived without running into her. I avoided all places that I might see her. I basically lived inside my house just to avoid seeing her.

Tapos ito?

I went through all the trouble to avoid her… but everything got destroyed because of Maven’s mom.

And here she was. Standing in front of me. Like she didn’t just break my heart years ago. How could she even look at me? Wasn’t she ashamed of herself?

“Congrats nga pala,” she said.

“Thank you.”

“You proposed twice?” I nodded. “You really love her to propose twice…”

I looked at her, trying to hide the disgust in my face. How dare she act like she was the one who was hurt? “I appreciate the she rejected me the first time. I’d rather that she rejected me outright than to make false plans with me.”

Her lips parted. “I’m sorry.”

Sorry.

It’s been years, but her lack of excuse still kept me up at night.

---

“What?” she asked when I stopped my car in front of her. I wanted to hate her so bad… but I couldn’t hate her son. He was innocent from all of this.

“I’ll drop you off,” I said.

“Baka magalit si Cindy.”

“No,” I replied. We didn’t even talk about you.

“Right,” she said, almost glaring at me. “But, no, thanks.”

“We’re practically a family. I’ll give you a ride,” I said.

I was waiting for her to get inside the car. I heard that her son was alone, waiting for someone to pick him up. I just wanted to help. But judging by Genesis’ face, she was annoyed.

She pressed her lips. She looked like she was about to cry. “Stop it, you freaking hypocrite,” she said. “If you’re okay with this whole act, then ’wag mo akong idamay, okay? This is not okay for me! This is weird for me!”

Hindi ko mapigilan na hindi mapaawang ang labi.

Wow.

“Why shouldn’t I be okay? It’s been three years,” I said calmly.

“Kung okay ka na, ’wag mo akong idamay!”

“You’re married. You have a kid. Why are you acting like you’re the one who deserves to be hurt?” I could help but ask her.

She’s married.

She has a kid.

That’s all I kept on telling myself.

Paulit-ulit para hindi ko makalimutan.

“You left me, remember?”

Tears began to pool in her eyes. She’s a fucking hypocrite for acting this way. She wanted this. Panindigan niya kagaya ng ginagawa ko.

“Did I have a choice?” she asked.

“You had a choice. And it wasn’t me. So stop this act and grow up.”

---

I thought I was okay.

I told myself I was going to be okay. I would marry Cindy, have a family, and forget that Genesis ever existed in my life. That was the plan…

But why the fuck did she have to kiss him in front of me?

“Why?” I asked.

I drank.

I drank and stopped myself from beating the shit out of him. I owed him a punch. I owed him a punch for stealing her, for telling me that he’d fix his shit.

I owed him a punch for marrying someone who was supposed to be mine.

Akala ko okay na.

Akala tapos na.

Tangina hindi pa rin.

“Why… did you do that to me?” I just had to ask her. “Just please tell me why. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan.”

Hindi ko alam kung ilang gabi na iyon lang ’yung nasa panaginip ko. Tinatanong siya. Paulit-ulit. Kung bakit niya ginawa sa ’kin ’yun. Kasi hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam. Palagi ko lang sinasabi sa sarili ko na may asawa na siya, na may anak na siya. Pero kahit na ganoon, isa pa rin ’yung tanong ko.

Saan ba ko nagkamali?

Bakit hindi niya sinabi? Kasi aayusin ko naman. Para sa kanya, aayusin ko naman.

“Hindi mo naman kailangang intindihin. Tapos na,” sabi niya.

“But I want to. Every time I look at you, I wonder where I went wrong. I wonder what I did so wrong for you to do that to me.”

Hindi kasi ako makaahon. Kasi hindi ko alam kung saan ’yung mali. Akala ko binigay ko na lahat. Hindi pa rin pala. Kulang pa rin pala.

“Ikakasal ka na.”

“Nauna kang magpakasal.”

“I asked you before… I even begged you not to do that to me… but you still did it, Genesis. You completed me only to destroy me again. Bakit? Bakit mo ginawa sa ’kin? Hindi ko maintindihan.”

“Lasing ka lang.”

“Maybe… but even when I’m not drunk, I still wonder why. I still wonder why after everything, you still chose to hurt me. Ha? Bakit? Sabihin mo naman sa ’kin kasi hindi ko talaga maintindihan. I fucking needed you that time. My father was dying. I needed you by my side pero ano ’yung ginawa mo?”

Umiling siya.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” sabi niya at sinubukan na umalis. Pero ayokong umalis siya. Ulit. Na hindi sinasabi sa akin kung ano ’yung mali ko.

“You can’t escape again. You can’t disappear and leave me wondering again!”

“Parker, ano ba!”

I pulled her and made her face me. I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to see how bad she wrecked me. Kasi hindi niya nakita dati. Hindi niya nakita kasi hindi niya naman ako tinignan.

“I’m so fucking mad at you! I wanna hurt you so bad! You fucking destroyed my life, Genesis! The least you could do is not to kiss someone in front of me! I deserve that after you fucked my life!” I shouted. “Just… tell me why…” I begged.

“May Cindy ka na… Bakit mo ba ’to ginagawa? Hindi mo ba siya mahal?”

I painfully smiled. “Love? You of all people should know that love is a thing that I don’t even trust. You wanna know why I’m with Cindy? Because she won’t hurt me. She won’t hurt me like you did. Genesis, I’ve been hurt a lot of times before, pero ikaw? You’re a fucking piece of work.”

She smiled. She fucking smiled.

“Don’t worry, you won’t see me ever again after the wedding.”

Sinubukan niyang umalis pero hinawakan ko iyong braso niya.

“And what? Have a happy family? Live a happy life? You want that? If you want that, then you shouldn’t have done that to me! I would’ve given you everything!”

“Tapos na nga! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan?! Hindi ko na mababalik! Nagawa ko na!” sigaw niya pabalik.

“Kasi tangina hindi ko nga maintindihan! Bakit mo ginawa?! Mahal na mahal naman kita! Pinakasalan kita, e! Tapos biglang sasabihin mo sa ’kin na hindi totoo? Na iba ’yung papakasalan mo?!”

“Sinabi ko na sa ’yo…” naiiyak niyang sabi. “Ayokong mawala lahat sa ’yo. I fucking chose you! I fucking chose to save you and your family! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan ’yun?!”

“I never asked you to do that! If you really cared about me, you would’ve known that I’ll choose you. Always. Pero ikaw ’yung unang bumitiw. Lagi naman, ’di ba?”

“What? You wanted me to watch you lose your father? Iyon ba ’yung gusto mo? Na nandyan lang ako sa tabi mo habang namamatay ’yung tatay mo? Iyon ba, ha? Iyon ba ’yung gusto mo na ginawa ko?” tanong niya. “Parker, I loved you. Alam mo ’yan. Hindi ako bumitiw, ’di ba? Kahit nung ayaw mo pa sa akin, nandun lang ako… pero iba kasi ’yung nangyari. Pamilya mo na ’yung kasali. Ayokong maramdaman mo ’yung naramdaman ko dati. Ayoko na mawalan ka ng pamilya. Hindi masarap sa pakiramdam. Ayoko na mabawasan ka pa ng tao na nagmamahal sa ’yo.”

Umiling ako. “You know what the problem is? You never asked me.”

“Because I know that you’ll choose me. And I don’t want that. I don’t want you to lose your family. Alam mo na ’yan ’yung dahilan ko. Bakit ba galit na galit ka sa akin? Ikaw lang ba ’yung nasasaktan? Hindi ba ako nasasaktan?”

“Nasasaktan ka? You have a son with Maven! You fucking lied to me! Kaya mo ba sinabi sa akin dati na hindi ka pwedeng magkaanak dahil akala mo hihiwalayan kita dahil don? Kating-kati ka na ba na hiwalayan ako kaya kung anu-anong kasinungalingan—”

She slapped me. “You fucking asshole. Ganyan ba kababa ’yung tingin mo sa ’kin?”

Napahawak ako sa pisngi ko na sinampal niya. “Why? Was I wrong? Did you fuck you better? Did he make you scream louder?”

Iyon ’yung hindi ko matanggap. Bakit kay Maven meron? Bakit nung sa ’kin nagsinungaling siya? Ganoon niya ba kaayaw ng anak sa ’kin? Kasi sobrang wala kong kwenta? Was I that destroyed for her to lie about that?

She made me question my worth! She made me question everything!

“Jeremiah’s not my son. He’s Maven’s son with Abby,” she said, tears falling. “I didn’t lie to you. Bakit mo iniisip ’yan? Ganyan na ba talaga ako kadumi sa isip mo? I… never even have slept with Maven. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi umaasa ako na isang araw, tayo pa rin… Because if I sleep with him, then that means that I can never be with you again… That our marriage will be real… and I don’t want that. If it’s not with you, I won’t want that…”

Pinunasan niya ’yung luha niya.

“Pero wala na siguro talaga, Parker. Hindi siguro talaga tayo. Nagkakasakitan na lang tayo. Tama na. Ayoko na.”

---

Just like how easy it was for me to walk away when I learned that she was having a kid with Maven, it was just as easy how I fell back into her trap when I learned about the truth.

Bumalik lahat.

Tanga na naman ako.

I tried to talk to Cindy. She wouldn’t listen. So I listened to the punches of her dad.

“Kahit konti ba hindi mo ako minahal?” she asked me.

“I loved you,” I said.

“Pero hindi kagaya nung sa kanya?”

Hindi ako nagsalita. Alam niya.

Tumawa siya. “Ganito ba ako kapatay na patay sa ’yo kaya pumayag ako sa tira-tira? Ganito rin kasi dati, ’di ba? Iniwan mo ako para kay Imo… tapos ngayon, hindi ako nadala, sumubok pa ulit ako…” she said and then laughed. “Masaya ba?”

“I’m sorry.”

That was all I could offer.

“Do me a favor. Never show yourself in front of me ever again.”

Nang makalabas ako sa kwarto ni Cindy, nakita ko si Genesis. I wanted to ask her how she was… to even ask her if she thought about me.

I was so pathetic.

I pitied myself.

Bakit ba ako nagkakaganito para sa kanya?

“You’re giving up the firm?” she asked. I nodded. Why?“

Then it became crystal clear.

She cared about the firm. About everything else.

Except for me.

“It’s not really what I want,” I simply replied.

“Pero si—”

“It’s not what I want, Genesis. This is now about what I want.”

“So… after everything, you’ll just give it up?”

“I would’ve given it up a long time ago… kung sana tinanong mo lang ako. Hindi sana tayo aabot sa ganito.”

“Sometimes, I wonder if you really knew me… kasi kung kilala mo ako, alam mo na hindi ko gusto maging abogado. You’d know how I hated everything about my life. You’d know that you’re the only one that mattered. But maybe you never knew me at all. You always decide for me.”

“I’m sorry for this mess. I’ll fix this. This is the last, I promise.”

“H-ha?”

I tried to smile despite the bruises. “Uncle Shiloah has a nice cabin in London. Maybe I’ll stay there for the mean time. If this is a game, then I accept defeat. I’m sorry, hanggang dito na lang ako.”

“So… aalis ka na lang?”

I nodded. “That was your plan, right? To leave?”

“Wow. After ruining everything, you’ll just leave.”

I pressed my lips. “I’m leaving because I’m the cause of your problems. Pagod ka na. Pagod na rin ako. Hanggang dito na lang.”

“Hanggang dito na lang?” she asked like she wasn’t the reason why I was giving up. Finally. After fighting for so long.

“I don’t even know who I am right now,” was my reply. It was the truth. In loving her, I lost myself. And now, I was sure it wasn’t a good thing. 

---

I went to London. I didn’t even know why I went here. Siguro kasi sabi ni Uncle, tahimik daw dito… exactly what I needed. I even asked him not to tell anyone the exact location. I just… wanted nothing to do with anyone anymore.

I was still young. Maybe a do-over was still an option.

I worked at a public library. It was quiet and it gave me a chance to read a lot of books. I thought I would get bored, but books were great company.

I didn’t even think I’d last for a month here… but I managed to last for two years.

“Hi. Can you help me locate this book? I couldn’t find it,” a blonde girl said. I stood up and helped her locate the book. And when she was about to check out the book, I saw her name.

“Imogen,” I said as I read the card.

“Yeah… pretty common name, huh?” Napatingin ako sa kanya. “What? You’ve never heard of that name? It’s so common here!”

And truth be told, there were lots of Imogen in London. I think I’ve met at least four. But only one stuck with me like a gum. Maybe because she’s using me to have extended access to the library books.

“Oh, you’re no fun, love!” Imogen said as she was trying to convince me to go clubbing. I was too old for that.

“I just wanna sleep, Imo,” I said.

“Please?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“But I want to introduce you to someone!” she whined.

“Not interested,” I replied.

“Tss. Fine. Suit yourself!” she said before walking out of my apartment.

My days were just like that. It was boring… but I’d take boring over drama. I liked the peace. It was different, but a good different.

One day, I received a call from Uncle.

“It’s done. She’s finally coming,” he said.

Wala akong nasabi pagkatapos nun. I tried to ignore it, but she kept on invading my mind.

Suddenly, my thoughts were about her again.

Suddenly, she was the center of my mind again.

And when I saw her…

“Parker,” she said. She didn’t even finish saying my name. She was looking at Imogen who was standing in front of me.

“Is she… you know?” Imogen asked me.

I nodded. Of course she knew Genesis. She’s the reason why I never looked at anyone else.

Because if it didn’t work out with her, I just don’t see it working out with anybody else.

I stood up and walked towards her. “Took you long enough.”

“Siya… si Imogen?” she asked, pointing at Imo. I nodded. Her lips parted.

“I may be surrounded with a lot of Imogens—I know at least four—but now, finally realize that maybe Parker is for Imogen…” I said. 

“Ah…” sabi niya. Nalukot iyong hawak niyang envelope. I got the envelope she was holding. It was the annulment paper.

“But not this Parker,” I said, smiling at her.