I: vanilla twilight

Fernando moved half-way across the country nearly five years ago. He hadn’t realized that the urge to spread his wings and find stability somewhere far, somewhere where he knew he’d be accepted, would cause the rift between himself and his family to grow. Pause . Lies. He was well aware of what he was doing and the outcome of moving 1,200 miles away from the only place he’s ever known as home. What he hadn’t realized was that it would only take five years for everyone he cared about to forget about him. Or at the very least forget to notify him that his nephew passed away.

He clenches his fists tightly, nails digging into the palms of his hands and leaving behind crescents.  Anger makes the ache in his chest burn like a knife twisting painfully without remorse.  They hadn’t bothered to even tell him his nephew was sick . 

Fernando hefts his personal bag over his shoulder and weaves through the throngs of people trying to find his way out of the maze that’s the Newark airport. The noise of people chattering and that weird airport smell only manages to give him a headache on top of the grief already weighing him down.

Ten minutes of traversing by overly priced airport souvenir stores and at least three consecutive chain-coffee shops finds him reaching the revolving doors to the outside.  It’s only when he’s past the threshold that he manages to take a deep breath. The crisp winter air filling his lungs makes a pleasant shiver run down his spin.

His phone vibrating makes Fernando stop in his tracks to dig it out of his pocket. He swipes as soon as he sees Lily’s name pop up, a text followed by another. He looks up and searches through the traffic of cars hoping to see hers.

“Fer!” 

At the call of his name he perks up and spots her petite form hanging out of a car he doesn’t recognize. She can’t unbuckle her seatbelt fast enough as she throws open the passenger door. He reaches out to hug her tightly, her soft scent of vanilla enveloping him in familiarity. His nose burns and his eyes sting with tears.

“Hi,” he croaks weakly.

Lily’s hold tightens around him minutely, “I missed you.”

“Missed you too,” he murmurs, her hair flying in his mouth.

He spits it out and she pulls back with a sheepish laugh, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Where the hell have you been loca?” Fernando jokes, if only to mask the burn of tears he swallows back.

“Wouldn’t that be you, stranger?” She hip bumps him.

He rolls his eyes and approaches the car. He finds a vaguely familiar man in the driver’s seat. A man that Fernando has only met once in person before. The man, who was once lanky- all skin and bones, has filled out nicely. His pedo-stache is connecting to a beard now that makes him look less suspicious when standing next to 4’11“ Lily.

“Jacob,” Fernando greets cordially.

“Fernando,” the man greets with a smile, “how are you, man?”

Fernando slides in the backseat. Just as he’s about to close the door, Lily stops him.

“You sure you wanna ride in the back? You can take shotgun if you want.”

“Nah, I’m good. You go ahead,” he assures her.

She nods and closes the door for him like a gentleman. She takes her designated princess passenger seat and buckles her seatbelt almost immediately.

“How was the flight?” Lily asks.

Fernando knows what she’s trying to do.

There’s only so much small talk they can do before they’re forced to address the elephant in the room.

“Fine,” he answers.

She hums.

Jacob fiddles with the volume knob before handing his phone to Lily. She takes over the aux and soft music starts playing to fill the void.

“When’s the funeral?” Fernando asks quietly.

He briefly locks eyes with Jacob through the rearview mirror. He then focuses on the tense line of Lily’s shoulders before answering just as softly, “tomorrow at five.”

“Okay,” Fernando settles and focuses his attention outside the window. The world is a blur of trees and bright lights as they whiz past. He watches almost mesmerized as what he’s sure is NYC fades in the distance as Jacob drives in the opposite direction. The road feels familiar, the rolling slowness of a building traffic despite the time of day, also feels like deja vu.

“When’s your flight back?” Lily finally asks.

Fernando doesn’t answer right away. He hasn’t bought a plane ticket back. Not because he doesn’t think he won’t go back. His thought process might not make sense but he needed the assurance of flexibility on his side.

“A couple of days,” Fernando answers vaguely.

Lily hums, “cool.”

Her voice is low and sad at that. Fernando refuses to feel bad for having a place to call home even if it’s far away from the people he calls family. It’s not her and she knows it too. It’s the others, it’s his parents and his brother and the unyielding homophobia that tears them apart because he’s different. Because he’s brave .

“Do you guys mind if we pass by a dispensary?” Fernando asks.

Jacob chuckles, “sure, got one in mind?”

“Lemon22,” Fernando answers immediately, “it’s on the opposite side of the highway, though.”

Lily rolls her eyes affectionately, “I’ll pull up the GPS, it’s nearing Providence, you still have time babe.”

Fernando scrunches his face at the term of endearment directed at Jacob, he fake gags in Lily’s ear just because he can. She gags right back and pushes him away as much as she can with her short flailing arm. Fernando stays just out of reach to spite her.

“Seriously, though, you uh… good?” Jacob asks.

Fernando nods reassuringly, “I’ll be better once I have a penjamin, stat.”

Lily snorts in laughter at that. Jacob speeds up just a little.

Fernando finally leans back and settles in the seat. The drive doesn’t feel like the forty-five minutes it actually is. Jacob does a loop to stop at the requested dispensary and he throws the car in park rather quickly. Lily and Jacob both join him and for a moment he’s surprised. He hadn’t expected the couple to go inside the store with him, but they pass through easily enough once their ID’s are checked at the door.

The man comments on his ID like they always do, “Minnesota huh? Long way from home.”

Fernando’s smile is painful, “visiting family.”

Not entirely a lie, but kinder than the full truth.

“Enjoy Jersey,” the man grins.

“Oh, I always do,” Fernando assures taking back his ID and slipping it inside his wallet smoothly. He peers at his companions and offers to pay for anything they might want. Just as he’s about to pay for a joint, two pens, and a baggie of gummies, Jacob whips out his card before Fernando can react.

There’s  a protest on his tongue, but Jacob pats his shoulder and solemnly says, “my treat, you guys deserve it.”

Fernando swallows back the sudden wave of emotion he’s been holding back since he got Lily’s call.

He barely manages to choke out a strangled thank you.

Jacob gets it though and Fernando is so glad Lily found a man that cares as much as he does.

They thank the cashier and Jacob passes the paper bag to Lily who immediately digs through it.

“Joint or pen?”

“Or gummy?” Jacob reminds.

“No edibles,” both Lily and Fern say, sharing an amused look, “jinx!”

“You owe me a Dr. Pepper,” Lily grins.

“ Fuuuuck ,“ Fernando mock groans, “guess we gotta stop at Wawa.”

“Fuck yes!” Lily laughs in delight.

“You’re staying with us, right?” Jacob confirms.

“If you’re okay with it, if not I could get a motel or something.”

“It’ll be a tight squeeze, but we’re happy to have you,” Lily assures.

Another quick stop, snacks loaded into the car for the inevitable munchies, and finally they arrive at Lily and Jacob’s studio apartment. It’s cozy and warm, small but filled with love. He can tell. Homey.

At the door they’re greeted by their energetic little dachshund.

“Rocky!” Fernando greets the pup, already two and a half years old who he knows through photos and FaceTime calls. 

The weenie wags his tail and spins around excitedly before trailing after Lily. It feels weird. This feels weird. It all feels so oddly normal and yet so achingly painful knowing that there’s a void in their family that can never be filled and will never feel the same again.

Lily feels it.

The way her shoulders slump when she thinks no one is looking is proof enough. She may not realize it, but Fernando is looking and he can see her silhouette through the vanilla twilight. He can see the sadness because it’s the same one he bears on his own shoulders. 

He wonders… did he make the right choice coming back brief as it is?