Over the Horizon

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author.

Prologue

Warning: R-18

Trigger Warning: explicit language.

Wreck

“Maverick…”

Matagal ang paninitig ko sa aking mga magulang habang nakaupo ako sa sofa kasama ang aking mga kapatid. My little sister and my little brother were looking up at me. Pinasadahan ko ng haplos ang aking buhok at binasa ang labi.

“Kailangan bang ngayon agad?” I asked seriously.

Ngumiti si Mommy at nilingon si Dad na nakaupo rin sa kanyang gilid.

Obviously, my mom would get full custody of my siblings because they’re still too young to understand this. Ngunit si Dad, gusto niyang dalhin ako. But Mommy wants me to decide for myself.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat bang mamili sa kanilang dalawa. My father wants to have me, at least. Since my mom has two of my siblings.

“Sige na…” Mommy urged in her soft voice.

“Mom,” bulong ko sa seryosong tinig.

My mother’s lips stretched. Si Dad ay tumango, bigong yumuko, at kita ko sa ekpsresyon niya ang pagtanggap.

“I know this is hard for you, Mavric. But your dad and I decided to…end things this way. This is for the best,” si mommy sa marahang tinig at inabot ang kamay ko.

Huminga akong muli, tiningnan ang dalawa kong mga kapatid na seryosong nakaupo sa bawat gilid ko.

“Sa apartment muna ako,” I said, taking my hand from my mom and stood.

Hindi ko na hinintay ang magiging pasya ni Mom. Diretso na ang akyat ko sa kuwarto para makapag-impake na.

Hindi ko alam kung galit ba ako. I haven’t thought of it for a while. But I know I’ll choose where my siblings are and my mom, who needs me. Ayokong iwanan ko sa kanya ang responsibilidad na iyon nang mag-isa.

I’m mad at my father. But not mad enough to punch him and abandon him. I just can’t choose him over Mom. I can’t repeat the same mistake he made when he chose someone else over mom… over his family.

My phone beeped while I pulled the zipper of my bag.

Jessica:

U comin over, Mavric?

I licked my lip and walked toward my drawer. Binuksan ko iyon at pinaghahablot ang aking mga t-shirt.

I don’t really consider staying at my own unit, especially when it’s still summer. The house is the best place because I’d wake up with food on the table, and I could play with my siblings as well.

But our home doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It felt…strange.

Kinuha ko ang isang plain black t-shirt at hinila ang likod ng aking suot saka iyon hinubad. I saw my toned body in the reflection of the mirror resting on the side of my door.

Tumunog ang aking phone. Irita ko iyong tiningnan at nakita ang FaceTime ni Jessica. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I don’t have time for anyone’s bullshit right now.

Pinasadahan ko ng haplos ang magulong buhok at isinara rin ang duffel bag saka ko iyon isinabit sa balikat. Kinuha ko ang phone at pinaglaruan iyon sa aking kamay habang lumalabas na.

Nadatnan ko sa ibaba ang seryosong pag-uusap ni Mommy at Daddy. I can sense how they’re trying to tone down their voices with those little whispers.

Noong makitang pababa na ako, tumahimik sila at tumingin si Dad sa akin.

“I’ll drive you there,” he offered.

“Magcocommute nalang ako,” sabi ko at ginulo ang buhok ng lalake kong kapatid na nadaanan ko habang hawak ang kanyang iPad.

“Are you hitting the gym again, Kuya Mavric? Can I come with you?” he asked when he saw the duffel bag I wore slantly as it rested against my bag.

“Not today, bud,” I smiled.

“Then… are we going to hit the playground?!” si Riri, ang batang babae kong kapatid.

Umiling ako at bahagyang ngumiti. Nakatingin si Mommy sa akin. I waved my hand a bit as I walked out of the door. Dad followed me as I saw his car parked outside.

“Hop in, boy. I’m taking you there,” aniya at pumasok sa driver’s seat.

I sighed heavily and blew some air as I ran my hand through my hair. Nakita ko ang pagsilip ni Mommy sa may pinto habang karga na si Riri.

My little sister waved her hand at me as she smiled and showed her incomplete teeth. I smiled a bit and waved back.

Bumukas ang pinto sa loob. Pumasok ako sa front seat at seryosong umupo roon. I could vividly see the worried expression etched in my mom’s face as she gestured that she was going to call. Tumango lamang ako at hinila na ang seatbelt.

“Ilang araw ka roon?” he asked in his usual baritone voice that I couldn’t almost recognize.

“Depends,” I answered boredly, resting my arm on the open window of his car.

Ibinaba ako ang salamin sa harap para ayusin sana ang aking buhok ngunit medyo natigilan nang makita ang nakasiksik na family picture namin. Lumingon si Dad sa akin. I took my eyes out of the window and pushed them back.

“You know you can come with me…”

I saw in the rearview mirror how my thick brows knitted.

“My siblings need me,” I answered flatly.

“You could visit them sometimes?”

My jaw clenched as I stayed silent and watched the big houses we passed by as the car drove out of the subdivision.

“Mavric… I know you’re mad at me—”

“Right, dad. So let’s not talk about it,” putol ko sa mababang tinig.

His lips pursed as he nodded in defeat. I looked at my phone and distracted myself with the texts that I shouldn’t have minded if I wasn’t in this fuckin’ situation…

Jessica:

Such a snob! May house party mamaya!

Lorraine:

Where are you?

Trixie:

Are u hitting the beach with your squad? Pwedeng sumama?

Binuksan ko ang isa sa app at doon nagbrowse ng pwedeng kausap. I scrolled down to unopened messages, replied to some of them, and checked the new followers of each profile.

Umangat ang kilay ko sa nakabikini na babae at pinindot ang kanyang profile. Her wall of hot pictures welcomed me. I shifted my seat for a while as I clicked her latest photo while sipping the buko juice she’s holding.

Damn girl… You know what you’re doin’ huh?

I pressed it and looked at the messages to see if she had messaged me. Nakita ko agad ang kaonting hi doon. I might as well have something to do with my time on this boring trip with my father.

“This is part of the process of our divorce, Mavric. Your mother and I can’t continue being at one house for many reasons.”

Coz you cheated, huh? Those lipsticks, dad. You think I didn’t know it? Mom might be tolerating you for keeping it to me, but you are such an asshole for keeping another woman while your wife is doing everything for you!

Irita akong tumingin sa labas ng bintana, hindi na umimik pa. He knows why I can’t choose him.

Ilang oras ang itinagal ng byahe hanggang makaabot din naman kami sa building ng unit ko sa BGC.

“Open a bank account, Maverick. I’ll send your allowance there for your college.”

Tumango na lamang ako at binuksan ang pinto ng front seat saka lumabas. I tapped the roof of his car to say goodbye.

“Thanks for the ride,” I murmured nonchalantly.

His car beeped. Bumuga ako ng hininga at pinasadahan ng haplos ang buhok. This is a good way to divert attention. Right…

Summer na summer, mas mainit pa yata ang ulo ko sa panahon. I turned my phone off when I realized I could not stand the continued calls and texts from the girls. The boys were kind of busy. Some of them went home since it’s summer. As much as I want to stay in Brent’s unit, I cannot stand that fucker. Not right now that my temper is knocking out of me as well.

I went out for a drink. Or maybe to release heat. I needed a good distraction for what’s bugging in my mind.

Desperate to distract myself, I headed to the nearest club to find a good diversion, at least.

I usually deal with my problems by releasing some heat. Though gym was the least thing on my mind, I know what to replace with this feeling that’s lingering in me.

Inukupa ko ang stool at nag-order ng rum. As usual, the dance floor is crowded. Iniapak ko ang isang paa sa ilalim ng stool, habang ang isa naman ay nanatili sa sahig at isinandal ang siko sa counter bar.

There were girls who caught my attention. I’m in Makati, and we are more well-known in BGC because we came from a famous varsity team at a prestigious university. Or, let’s just say, my circles were known for being notorious playboys.

Phew. The title.

“One rum,” a deep baritone voice made me glance at the side.

Wearing a button-down black shirt, his hair was pushed backwards, and buttons were opened, revealing the lace of his silver necklace. I could tell from his stance that he’s intense.

Ngumuso ako at tumikhim sabay tingin sa sarili ko. Nainsecure pa yata ako ah? Though my body is fine. He’s just a bit bulky compared to mine. Not too bulky, like a wrestler, but you know he’s quite masculine.

The bartender placed our orders. Kinuha niya ang kanya at sumimsim doon habang ang tingin niya ay napunta sa gilid at nahanap ang mga mata kong nakatingin sa kanya.

I cleared my throat and looked away. I took my rum and sipped on it as I eyed the girls on the dance floor again. Baka naman isipin nitong bakla ako kaya titig na titig.

He placed his rum and turned his back at the counter as he rested his elbows on the counter top.

“Planning for a good fuck?” he asked bluntly.

I placed my rum back on the counter and smirked at him.

“I hope so…”

Umangat ang kilay niya. “What kind?”

I shrugged. “Good for taking my problem out of my mind?”

“Do you want me to make you forget your problems?” he challenged.

I laughed. Oh…

“Sorry, bro. I’m straight.” Ngisi ko.

“Scared?” He smirked back.

Binasa ko ang labi. He sipped on his rum again while he’s side-eyeing me. Kung may mga pagkakataon mang nasasagad ang pasensya ko, dalawang bagay lang. Kung niyayabangan ako, at kung inaangasan ako. And this man is doing both.

And he has that air…that smugness in him that I wanted to wipe off his face.

I licked my lower lip and nodded. “Let’s hit the nearest hotel, then.”

Tingnan nga natin ang yabang niya kung totoong kaya niyang burahin ang problema ko. I haven’t really tried having sex with men. I’m straight. Why would I even want to screw a man? Kaso…baka naman magustuhan ko pala? At nahahamon din talaga ako.

“How many times have you done this?” I asked while watching him unbuckled his pants.

He shrugged and took his shaft out. When it sprang to life, my smile slowly vanished. He’s…big compared to me. Well, I’m also big. But… I licked my lower lip when I realized what kind of big problem I wouldn’t forget this night.

“Suck it,” he ordered.

I laughed. “Nah… I haven’t tried it.”

“Then I’ll do the foreplay?” he said raspily.

I didn’t expect it. I was too stunned. Bumundol ang likod ko sa pinto at dumaing nang idinikit niya ang katawan niya sa akin.

I felt his thickness when he slightly rubbed it against me. His hands were now on my nipples, thumbing them, while his lips were now on my neck, sucking them.

“Getting aroused. You like it?” he whispered in a slurry voice when he felt that I got hard as well.

“Turn around and let me fuck you,” I said when I wanted to pound on him right away.

“Whoever comes first would be the bottom,” he said, pulling my zipper down and took my shaft out.

I chuckled while squinting my eyes when his hand felt so good around mine. “Really?”

He leaned closer until his shaft rubbed against mine. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi habang kapwa naroon ang tingin namin. He wrapped his hand around our length and slowly moved it.

I closed my eyes and grunted when it electrified my body. When I felt his hot breath against my lips, I got aroused even more.

I joined his hand and moved it fast. Titig na titig siya sa akin. I licked my lower lip and smirked.

“I’ll pound hard on you. So come,” I urged.

“Yeah?” He leaned closer as he slipped his other hand on my butt cheek. “This hole is mine.”

I gasped when he shoved two of his fingers in my ass. Damn it! I’m not used to it!

Napamura ako nang ilang sandali lamang, pakiramdam ko ay nanginginig na ang kalamnan ko. His lips grazed against the side of my neck as he started grinding against me as well, while his shaft was now sliding into my thighs, and his hand didn’t stop moving.

This man isn’t a first-timer! He has done this a lot of times!

“Like it?” he whispered in the middle of the pleasure taking over my body.

I was determined to make him cum. But the more he pleasures me, the more I crave more.

“My dick is enough to fuck your senses out until you forget your problem.”

“And you’re gonna shove another big problem at me, is that it?” I laughed and looked at his massive shaft.

When he pressed something in my ass, I was already twitching. I fucking came right then that it even splashed on his stomach!

“Now, spread your fucking legs.”

Fuck it! Gusto ko ngang makalimot sa problema, ibang problema naman ang ipinasok ko. This man is a scam.

“Well, I’m man enough to keep my word,” I said and turned around.

I shut my eyes. Fuck. I should go back to Bonifacio tomorrow and leave Makati. I changed my mind. Lumayo layo pa ako pero magkakandarapa rin palang umuwi! At may baon baon pang kahihiyan, huh?

Kahihiyan? This isn’t an embarrassment but an insult that I came first and he’s the one who’s gonna pound on me!

And when I felt the tip—when he pushed it in, I cursed and called all of the demons in the world.

“Gago! Ang sakit!” Halos gusto kong umurong lalo na’t hindi ko kaya ang kanya.

“Calm down and relax. I got you.”

He bent over me and wrapped his hand against my shaft again while I felt his lips against my nape.

“You’re big! It won’t fit!” reklamo ko lalo na’t naalala ko ang kanya.

He chuckled against my ear. “Let’s see…” and he slowly pushed it, inch by inch.

Mariin akong pumikit at naitukod ang mga kamay sa pader nang gumalaw siya. He slowly took it in and slammed it hard. I gasped when the pain started trickling throughout my body. He angled my hips and moved back and forth.

Naghanap ako ng makakapitan dahil parang mababali ako ano mang oras. But the fucker is so expert that he pulled me up, cupped my chin, and pound hard in me while his other hand wrapped around me.

I heard his moans against my ear. I have never been so loud during sex, but the intricate movement of his shaft in my ass while hitting something that felt so good made me whimper continuously.

He wrapped his hand around my shaft and thumbed the tip so hard that my body convulsed while I could feel his tongue on my earlobe and his shaft hitting a good spot, making me groan.

“Enjoyin’ it, aren’t you? Coz you’re moving your hips too…”

“If you come first, I’ll fuck your hole—”

I cursed when he moved so fast that I exploded right then. He fucked me. Hard. And good. And I can’t even lie to myself that it was the best sex of my life.

“Fuck!” Halos umungol ako nang maalala ang mga iyon kinabukasan nang magising ako nang mag-isa na lamang sa kama.

The fucker left. HE FUCKING LEFT. Gagong ’yon ah? Nag-iwan pa ng pera? Ano ’to? Bayad sa serbisyo niya? Ano ako, bayarang lalake kaya naisipan niyang bigyan ng pera? Natawa ako at napahigang muli. Ah… parang gusto kong makaisa sa kumag na ’yon. How dare him make me feel like I was the one who enjoyed it the most?

Well… I really enjoyed it. But once I’ll see him again, I’ll make sure I’ll fuck the shit out of him and pay for the ass I’ll wreck! Humanda ka sa akin. Tingnan natin ’yang yabang mo…

Chapter 1

Red

I sighed exhaustedly and glanced at the clock to check what time it was. Noong makitang inumaga, halos mapaungol ako sa pagsisisi na inumaga ako kaka… Damn it. I think I need a cold shower now.

I pulled myself out of bed roughly and groaned when my ass tingled. The pain is still there, but the motherfucker left like a ghost.

Not that I like him, nor I romanticize him as a man, kaso gago, ano itong ginawa niya? Nag-iwan ng sakit sa katawan, ngayon, gabi gabi akong hindi makatulog kakapantasya sa nangyari?

Man…this sucks. I felt like I hadn’t gotten laid for a century.

Let’s have some vacation guys

Iyon ang chat ko sa 5AM na iyon sa GC naming boys bago pumasok sa banyo para magshower. Maybe my body was just overreacting. I’m not gay. Heck. I’ve never liked gays romantically—nor men like that fucker. Kailan pa ako nagkainteres?

I should have lowered my pride that night and didn’t try it. And now, I have a big problem. All thanks to my goddamn pride.

Tyler:

I kind of want to surf. Let’s hit Siargao Mav

Ang reply ni Tyler nang buksan ko ang phone ko pagkatapos maligo. I wore my sweatpants and headed back to my bed while smirking as I typed for a reply.

Mavric:

Your call? Haha

Tyler:

Dude it’s summer! Where’s your money?

Mavric:

My ass is broke

Nagkasalubong ang kilay ko. It doesn’t sound right to me. Coz my ass is literally wrecked at the moment.

Tyler:

And you think I fart money?

Humalakhak ako. This is what I like about Tyler’s mouth. Unfiltered. Ngunit isa rin sa ayaw ko sa bunganga nito ay talagang gago mang-asar. Mapipikon ka nalang.

Biglang lumitaw ang profile ni Ronan at nagseen na rin.

Ronan:

Tara! Dalhin natin ang sasakyan ni Brent.

Mavric:

Are we gonna bring the girls or?

Tyler:

Idk if everyone is in Manila. Nasa Macau daw si Patricia?

Ronan:

The fuck is she doin there?

Tyler:

Vacation idiot.

Ronan:

Sa Macau?

Tyler:

Ron, why don’t u just sleep? Matulog kana at nakakabanas ka kausap

Ronan:

I’m binge watching my favorite porn vids.

I rolled my eyes and laughed.

Ronan:

Gising pa din kayong dalawa. Hmmmm handjob?

Tyler:

Why? Up for a sword fight?

Humagalpak ako.

Mavric:

My sword might be the sharpest right now hahahahaha

Tyler:

Picture bro. Ipakita mo ’yang pinagmamalaki mo kung malaki ba talaga

I showed my middle finger and took a photo of it. Iyon ang is-in-end ko na nagreact agad si Ronan ng haha.

Tyler:

Boo! Ang liit dude.

Tyler sent a photo as well. His face rolling his eyes while his curly hair was disheveled made me laugh a bit as I leaned against the headboard of my bed.

Ronan:

Sabi pa naman ng girls tayong tatlo ang pinaka fuckboy. Tulog daw sa umaga at gising sa gabi hahahaha and we’re still up huh

Tyler:

Yung MVP hindi online. Baka inumaga sa Club.

We all know who Tyler was talking about. Imposible namang si Con. Baka tulog na ’yon sa hita ng girlfriend niya.

Mavric:

He’s waiting for the girl his mother was talking about. Nabanggit niya. May roommate na ang gago

Ronan:

At babae? Run girlie

Tyler:

Baka pinsan?

Mavric:

Nasa States lahat ang kamag-anak ni Brent. Siya lang ang tinapon dito

Tyler:

Hahahahaha tambakan talaga ng mga States ng basura itong pinas

And just like that, Brent seen. Uh-oh. Humalakhak agad ako nang makitang typing na si Brent.

Brent:

Really, Tyler?

Ronan:

Bagong gising? O bagong dating?

Mavric:

Pustahan kakatapos lang niyan

Brent:

Y’all are so nosy. And fuck, someone interrupted

Tyler:

MVP na hindi naka score?

Mavric:

We’ll watch you do the handjob, Brent. Open the cam

Ronan:

Tara Brent. Collab?

Humagalpak ako. Gagong Ronan. Kaya importante talaga na may GC kaming all boys lang. The girls would really cringe at our topics.

Tyler:

Sword fight! Sword fight! Sword fight!

Brent:

My mom just sent a boy to my condo.

Ronan:

Ilang taon na ba? Kinder? Kailangan pa bang palitan ng diaper?

Tyler:

Malay natin bro anak pala yan sa labas ng mommy mo at sekreto lang na pinapabantay sa’yo

Doon napawi ang ngiti ko. I suddenly remembered my problem that I was trying to distract myself.

I turned the wifi off so I could sleep already. Iniwan ko sila roon. Itinulog ko nalang at ayaw nang may bumagabag pa sa isip ko.

My summer is quite chaotic, all thanks to my main circle. Mahirap kalimutan ang nangyari sa Summer pero ibinaon ko nalang din sa limot lalo na’t hindi naman ’yon importante. I’ll just charge it based on my experience.

At isa pa, saan ko naman ’yon hahanapin? What for? Why would I even find him? Pero kung nakita ko ulit ’yon magtutuos talaga kaming dalawa.

When the first day of class started, we immediately got into trouble. Nagwalked-out si Brent kasama iyong Shiloh na roommate niya pagkatapos suntukin dito si Rick sa parking lot.

The girls were kind of disappointed by the commotion as well, so we told them to just leave first. Kahit si Con naunang umalis at pupuntahan daw muna ang girlfriend.

“Ako pa ang magsosorry? Gawain naman talaga ng mga bakla ’yon! Gumagastos ng malaki sa mga lalake kaya piniperahan sila,” patuloy ni Rick at iritang tumayo sabay punas ng labi niya.

“Kaibigan niya ’yon si Denver, Rick,” sabi ko.

“Eh ano ngayon? Totoo naman ah? At gago kayo. Hugas kamay agad kayo. Ako lang ang narinig pero may mga pinagsasabi din naman kayo,” irita niyang patuloy.

I scratched my nape while Ronan whistled and Tyler was looking away.

My eyes drifted somewhere. May pumasok sa cafe na may suot din na lace ng aming ID. Group of pretty girls. Oh boy…

“Tyler,” senyas ko kaya nilingon nila ako habang pinagtatawanan pa nila si Rick na iritado.

“May mga chic na pumasok sa cafe. Balik tayo. Bumili tayo ng drinks,” sabi ko.

Ronan and Tyler’s heads immediately glanced at the cafe, checking it too. Si Rick na wala sa mood ay abalang tingnan ang mukha sa repleksyon ng kanyang phone.

“Ihanda mo ang kotse, Rick,” si Tyler na inihagis sa kanya ang susi na nasalo agad. “Tara. Pasukin natin.” Tapik ni Tyler sa balikat ko.

“Saan kayo pupunta? Sasama ako—”

“Huwag na! Diyan kana sa kotse. Magmuni-muni ka muna,” si Ronan na sinenyasan siyang huwag nang sumama.

Natatawa kaming umalis sa parking lot. Inakbayan ako ni Ronan at umangat ang kilay.

“Magdine in tayo?” tanong ni Ronan.

“Magpapasikat lang. Suotin niyo ang ID niyo,” sabi ko habang isinusuot pabalik ang aking ID.

The two immediately did what I said. Kung nandito lang si Brent, edi sana mas masaya. Kaso ang hayop na ’yon, mabilis talagang mawalan ng pasensya pag lumalagpas sa biruan.

I unbuttoned one of my shirts, and the two did the same. Nagtawanan pa kaming tatlo dahil kulang nalang kahit biceps ipagmayabang. Noong pumasok na, nagseryoso agad kami, kunwari natural na lumakad ulit sa counter kahit natatangay na ang mga mata ko sa table kung saan umupo ang mga girls.

And there. Beside the chinita girl. My type of girls. Model vibe. White top and baby blue jeans. Mahaba ang buhok at halatang mabango. Summer is really over. It felt like I’m in the middle of the fall season while the sakura leaves were pouring around her. Ang ganda.

“Varsity. Grupo ni Brent,” I heard one of the girls in her circles whispered.

I pressed the tip of my tongue against the side of my mouth. Pag si Brent talaga ang unang nababanggit pakiramdam ko pangit na agad ang impression sa amin.

“Sino nga ’yan?” Bulung-bulungan nila.

“Alin diyan?”

“’Yang kulot.”

“Si Tyler?”

“’Yang may dimple.”

“Ah, si Mavric…”

“Siya ’di ba ’yung nakabuntis daw?”

“Baka si Brent? O si Tyler?”

Gago? Hindi ko alam mga batang ama na pala kami. At sinong mabubuntis ko kung ang huli ko ay…

I paused my thoughts and leaned closer to the boys who were ordering drinks.

“Mukhang pinag-uusapan tayo. May nabuntis daw tayo,” bulong ko.

“Sino? Si Brent?” natatawang si Ron.

“Baka ikaw, Tyler?” tanong ko ngunit natatawa rin.

“Dude ilang beses na akong nakuryente. Baka nga baog na ako,” aniya kaya mas lalo kaming nagtawanan ni Ronan.

“Baka naman ’yung mga baliw kay Brent ang nagpapakalat niyan,” si Ron.

Tyler shamelessly glanced at the girls and smiled. The girls looked away shyly with a stifled smiles on their lips.

Bumaling ako sa bukod tanging babaeng umismid, tila ba hindi natablan sa ginawang ngiti sa kanila ni Tyler. I laughed a little until she found my eyes. Kita ko ang agaran niyang pamumula at nahihiyang nag-iwas ng tingin. I bit my lower lip and brushed my hair backwards, of course, flexing my side profile where my dimple is.

Siniko ako ni Ronan at natawa sa ginawa ko. I chuckled too while shaking my head.

“Dine in muna tayo,” sabi ni Tyler at nagkusang bayaran ang mga order namin.

You know Tyler likes someone else when he’s willing to pay for everything. At sana, hindi iyong tipo ko ang gusto niya. Pero mahilig ’to sa morena eh.

We occupied the table next to them. Para’t saan saan pa ang paghihirap na magpapansin kung lalayo lang din.

“Pansin niyo ba ’yung kasama ni Brent?” biglang open up ni Ron para may mapag-usapan kami.

I directed the chair where I could properly see the girl. Napapansin kong lumilingon din siya sa akin at napapabulong sa katabi niyang chinita.

“Si Shiloh?” si Tyler na lumilingon din ang ulo sa kabilang table.

Sinipa ko ang paa niya sa ilalim ng mesa at natawa. This fucker is so obvious.

“Si Shiloh, Ron?” I added to contribute to the topic at least.

“Oo. Si Shiloh. Tingin niyo?” Tinanguan niya kami.

Sumandal ako sa upuan at kinuha ang drink na in-order ni Ronan. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko, pansin ko ang tinginan ng mga girls at ang nanunuyang ngiti nila, halos hindi na nag-uusap dahil malapit lang kami sa table nila. Come on, girls. Let me hear the gossip you have for us.

“Mahinhin. Makinis. Makintab ang labi. Chinito. Maputi. May lahi daw ’yung chinese,” si Tyler na medyo napapaisip na rin.

“Kung bakla ’yon, isipin niyo nalang ang reputasyon ni Brent. Sikat pa naman ang gagong ’yon,” si Ron at nailing.

“Think about Rick, too. Pag-iinitan niya ’yan,” sabi ko.

“Ayoko talaga sa mga bakla,” iling ni Tyler at mapait ang ekspresyon.

The girls who are listening gave each other a meaningful look.

“Ano? Sisipot ba tayo sa game mamaya? Wala si Brent,” sabi ko at mabilis na inilihis ang topic.

“Sumipot tayo. Malaki ang pusta ko,” ani Ronan.

Tyler glanced at the girl’s table again. I saw his shameless smile on one of the girls. I caught the girl I’m eyeing, who threw another glance at me. Nang magkatitigan kami, nangingiti kong dinala sa labi ang straw at muling sumipsip sa aking drink.

“Lumabas si Rick sa kotse,” biglang nguso ni Ronan sa transparent wall lalo na’t kita rito ang parking lot.

“Tara.” Tayo ko at kinuha ang aking drink.

Nagsitayuan kaming tatlo. I saw how the girls silently watched our movements. Sumulyap akong muli sa babae na tahimik ding nakatingin sa akin. I stifled my smile when I caught her checking me out. Noong sa mga mata ko na tumingin, I arched my brow with a playful smile.

Naiiling akong inakbayan ni Ronan. “Tama na ’yan…”

I laughed and walked too. Si Rick na papasok sana, hinarang ng guard. Nakita naming kinausap niya ito ngunit umiling ang guard kaya natawa kaming dalawa ni Ronan at mukhang namukhaan siya kanina na nakasagutan noong boyfriend ni Denver.

Lumabas kaming dalawa ni Ronan at sinalubong siya.

“Ba’t ang tagal niyo?” iritang sabi ni Rick nang akbayan ko siya at ibinigay ang hawak kong drink.

“Nakapagmuni-muni ka ba? Magsusubmit ka ng isang buong page na essay kay Brent, Rick. Pakalmahin mo ’yon,” natatawang sabi ni Ronan.

“He won’t invite you on the next trips for sure,” sabi ko.

Umismid si Rick at namulsa. “Ano ako walang kaibigan? Kung ayaw niya, edi bahala siya.”

Lumingon ako sa likod at nakitang hindi sumunod si Tyler. Tumingin akong muli sa table noong mga girls at ang hayop na si Tyler, nandoon na, inilalahad ang phone niya sa isang babae.

Nang mapansin din iyon ni Ron, sabay kaming natawa at nag-apir.

“Bro you’re shameless!” hagalpak ko nang pumasok na siya sa kotse nang hinintay namin siya.

“Hindi ako makakatulog kung hindi ko makukuha ang number. Tang ina! Mga froshie dude!”

“Lahat?” kuryoso kong tanong.

“Hindi ko alam. Pero parang ’yung iba,” si Tyler na abala sa phone niya nang umupo sa gitna namin ni Ronan lalo na’t nasa backseat kami.

Rick wasn’t in the mood to join us, so we let him drive. Nagtipa ng mensahe si Tyler sa isang unknown number at nagsend ng Hi this is me na may kasamang wink emoji.

“Hindi mo sana kinuha agad ang number! Pinatagal sana muna natin,” iling ko nang maalala ang kwentuhan nila kanina kung gaano ka pangit ang tingin sa grupo namin.

“Ba’t pa patatagalin? As if I’m up for a relationship,” natatawang si Tyler.

“Tipo ko ’yung mahaba ang buhok, dude. Ipatanong mo nga kung anong pangalan para masearch ko sa Facebook at Instagram,” si Ron.

“’Yung katabi ng chinita?” kumpirma ko dahil baka isang babae lang pala ang gusto namin.

“Hindi. ’Yung naka puting top. Ang laki eh,” si Ron na umaangat ang dalawang kilay kaya nagtawanan kaming muli.

“She replied,” ani Tyler kaya tiningnan namin iyon at nakita ang munting ‘hello’ ng babae.

“Tanungin mo kung sino ’yung nakaputing top, dude,” si Ronan.

“Baliw. Edi nabadshot si Tyler. Ask for her Facebook account, Tyler. For sure, she would post pictures later. Let’s stalk each of the girls she would tag,” sabi ko.

Napatingin si Ronan sa akin at Tyler. Kahit si Rick ay nasa itaas na ng salamin ang tingin.

“Grabe ang pagiging expert sa babae, Mav,” ani Rick kaya ngumisi lamang ako.

Tyler did indeed do what I said. Inilabas ko agad ang aking phone para matingnan ang Facebook ng babae.

“Nakakakilabot ka, Mav. Ganito ka ba ka fuckboy na alam na alam mo ang takbo ng isip ng mga girls?” natatawang si Tyler nang tama nga ang iniisip namin.

Coz the girl already posted pictures an hour ago tagging the girls she’s with.

Naging abala agad kaming tingnan ni Ron ang mga nasa tag. And there, my main target, Chloe Tejano.

“Uy Tejano. Kaano ano ’to noong Engineering na Tejano rin?” rinig ko ang tanong ni Ronan na hindi ko na binigyan pa ng pansin lalo na’t in-add ko agad ito.

I didn’t waste my time and hit her message box as I typed a message.

Maverick Evander:

Hi.

Naantala saglit ang topic namin nang tumawag si Connor and told Tyler they found a sub for Brent for our basketball later. Mabuti nalang din dahil sila Kael pa ang makakalaban namin ulit. It’s just an open play, but I’m really up for a good stretch lalo na’t hindi na masakit ang katawan ko.

Bumalik ako sa unit para kumuha ng masusuot. I was already putting my spare t-shirt inside my duffel bag when my messenger notified me.

Mabilis ko iyong dinampot at nakita ang reply niya. Agarang lumabas ang ngisi sa labi ko habang binubuksan ang reply niya.

Chloe:

Hello. That varsity player?

I licked my lips and took a seat on the side of the bed as I typed for a reply while crouching.

Maverick:

You familiarized me? Hahaha nice

Hindi nabura ang ngiti sa labi ko hanggang sa nakita ko ang agad niyang reply.

Chloe:

Ikaw ’yung may dimple?

Ngumuso ako lalo.

Maverick:

Yup. You’re so pretty btw

Chloe:

Bolero

I rolled my eyes, but my smile continued to kiss my lips.

Maverick:

You’re very pretty, really. Titingnan ba kita nang ilang beses kung hindi?

Chloe:

Sabi sa akin mga babaero daw kayo. Kilala kayo sa school

Maverick:

My friends. Sila lang. Hindi ako kasali. I’m a good boy

Chloe:

Sinungaling! Ang rami nating mutuals! Puro girls!

Really? Kahit ’yon tiningnan niya? Girls are really scary sometimes.

Maverick:

Na hacked kasi last time ang Facebook ko. Nag auto confirm yata?

Napangisi ako sa pambobola ko.

Chloe:

At puro girls ang na confirm?

Natatawa akong natumba sa kama hanggang napahiga na habang nagtitipa ng reply.

Maverick:

Kidding. I’ll check it later.

Chloe:

I-uunfriend mo?

Tss. Ba’t ko i-uunfriend? I like my feed to be filled with the girls posts. This is what’s frustrating about dealing with girls sometimes. Maraming demands.

Maverick:

Once you’re my girlfriend? Haha :D

Chloe:

Tama nga si Kuya. Red flag ang mga Archi students.

Napabangon ako. This girl stalked me or… her friends probably know a lot of teas about us? Gago kasi itong si Brent. Lalandi na nga lang, bulgaran pa. Buong Department yata ng Arts inisa isa niya sa sobrang baliw kay Verena. Ang hirap tuloy pumorma.

Maverick:

Tell your brother to get an archi student so he will know we’re the green ones.

Chapter 2

Accept

I wore my Nike shoes and grabbed my duffel bag hastily as soon as I received Tyler’s text.

“Ano ka chix? Sinusundo pa?” ngiwi niya nang buksan ko ang backseat at nasa front seat si Ron.

Nagtipa muna ako ng reply kay Chloe sa messenger.

Maverick:

We have a basketball game in The Courtyard.

“Pinopormahan mo na?” Silip ni Ron sa harap habang nagsisimula nang magmaneho si Tyler.

I shrugged and slipped my phone into my pocket.

“Ano ako, si Brent? Yayayain agad sa unit niya?” Ngisi ko.

Nailing si Tyler habang naka shades pa.

“Parang babae itong si Brent. Ang bilis mapikon.”

“Aminin na natin, oo medyo lumagpas naman ’yung biruan, ang mali lang talaga narinig noong boyfriend ni Denver,” si Ron na ibinaba pa ang salamin sa harap at inayos ang buhok.

“Kaya pag hindi narinig, tama, Ron?” halakhak ni Tyler.

“Hayaan niyo na. Kalimutan na natin ’yon,” sabi ko lalo na’t naririndi na ako.

I don’t want to talk about it seriously. I am not like Brent, who’s open to discussing things.

“May point naman si Rick. Tama naman ah? Piniperahan lang naman talaga ng mga lalake ang bakla,” si Tyler.

“Hindi ko talaga masikmura, dude. Parang kapit sa patalim ang ganoon. Mamamakla kana para magkapera. Are they even clean? At magkano ba ’yon? Three hundred fifty?” natatawang si Ron.

Hinawakan ko ang buhok ko at tumingin sa labas ng bintana.

“Kung mamamakla ka, Ron. Sa akin nalang. I’ll give you five thousand for licking my ass,” tukso ni Tyler kaya kumalampag ang harap dahil nag-aambang sipain ni Ron si Tyler.

Ngumisi ako at nailing lang, ayaw magbigay ng komento. Boboses pa ba ako kung may ganyan akong kahihiyan? At hindi naman pamamakla iyong akin. It’s clearly a one-night stand. He left me with two thousand pesos. Ain’t bad. Kaso hayop siya. Anong tingin niya sa akin, bayaran?

“Ikaw, Mav?” biglang lingon ni Ron dito sa akin sa likod.

Humalukipkip ako at nag-angat ng kilay.

“Let’s say walang wala kanang pera. Tapos may baklang nag-offer sa’yo. Five thousand tapos sa pwet daw. Papayag ka ba?”

“I’m straight, Ron.”

“Bakit? May namamaklang straight ah? Alam mo ’yon, ginagawang business,” si Tyler na ewan ko at saan niya ’yan napupulot.

“You see, if the girls have sugardads, the boys have sugargays. There are gays who are willing to spend like they’re someone’s sugardaddy.”

I cringed. I cannot imagine it. Hindi ako nagbigay ng komento nang hindi na humaba ang usapan at nakipagchat nalang kay Chloe na nagreply na pala.

Chloe:

Okay.

Ngumuso ako at nagtipa ng reply.

Maverick:

Are you free this sat?

Before I could realize that I was suddenly this aggressive, I had already sent it. Nagseen na rin siya. This is what I hate when I’m quite distracted. Kung ano ano nalang ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

Maverick:

Or next month?

Chloe:

This Saturday or next month?

Maverick:

Both?

Chloe:

Baka hindi pumayag si Kuya.

Ah…may kuya. I could smell that this one was quite guarded.

Dumating kami sa basketball court kaya medyo hindi ko na binigyan ng pansin ang chat. Kael’s team was already there, stretching. Mukhang nasa kondisyon lahat ang mga katawan at matatangkad din.

Sumulyap si Kael sa amin. I took my t-shirt off and changed into a jersey sando.

It wasn’t a serious play, but at the same time, we are all willing to continue the game that we didn’t finish earlier.

Noong nagsidatingan na rin ang ilan naming team ay nagsimula rin naman kami. Mahirap talaga kung wala si Brent dahil magaling ’yon sa pagpapasa ng bola sa akin. Napapantayan ko ang liksi niya.

Pagpapapawis lang naman talaga ang sadya ko. Ngunit mukhang nagkakainitan na agad itong si Tyler at sa kabilang team.

“Pag kulot talaga salot,” rinig ko ang sabi ni Kael sa maangas na tinig.

I arched my brow. At sinong kulot ang sinasabi niya? Nakayuko akong tumingin kay Tyler na nagjojog na patungo sa akin.

“Dude salot ka raw. Payag ka no’n? Pag ako sinabihan niyan sisikuhin ko talaga,” ani Tyler nang makalebel ko siya.

“Kulot ka rin. Gago. Ikaw ang sinabihan,” sabi ko.

We didn’t really take it seriously. What are we? Five-year-old kids? I continued dribbling the ball, ran to our courtside, and shot it onto the rim smoothly.

May pumalakpak na mga girls at doon ko napagtantong may nanonood na pala. I smiled and jogged while looking at the girls.

“Bakit, dude? Hindi ba kulot ang sa’yo? Did you rebond your hair down there?” narinig ko ang balik na asar ni Tyler.

Nagtawanan kami ni Ronan at nag-apir. Connor looked so done with Tyler as he only shook his head.

Kael looked so mad that he wanted to throw a punch at Tyler’s smug face. He only showed his tongue out and jogged backwards while nodding at Kael teasingly.

Iyon yata ang naging laman ng topic namin pagkatapos at sumakit na ang tiyan ko kakatawa. The team cannot concentrate because of Tyler’s trash talk. Nagtatawanan kami sa court kanina pero konting asar nalang siguro magkakarambolan ulit.

“What’s wrong with being curly? That fucker,” ani Tyler na hinawakan pa ang buhok niya.

Hindi naman siya masyadong kulot. But compared to my hair, his curls were more vivid, unlike mine, which had only waves.

“Pero ang ganda ng mga nanonood na girls kanina! Naririnig ko crush daw ang kulot,” si Connor habang binubuksan ang kanyang beer.

Nasa tapat lamang kami ng seven-eleven at tumambay saglit sa parking lot. Though we weren’t permitted to drink the beer when we sat on their empty chairs, sa loob nalang kami ng kotse nag-inuman.

“Sana sinabihan mo ako nang nabigay ko ang number ko,” ani Tyler habang kumukuha ng chips sa pulang pringles.

“Dude ’yung may dimple daw,” dagdag ni Con at tumingin sa akin na ikinangisi ko agad.

“May dimple din naman ako. Nasa pwet nga lang,” ani Tyler.

Humagalpak kami at pinagsisipa ang upuan ng driver’s seat. Hayop na Tyler ’to. Lahat nalang talaga!

“Isend mo sa GC, Rick. Inggitin natin ’yung isa,” siko ni Tyler.

“Bumili ka muna ng pizza. Paano ’yon maiinggit kung beer lang? Tapos doon tayo sa bahay ni Con,” suhestyon ni Ron.

That’s why we all ended up at Con’s place, as Tyler ordered some boxes of pizza just so we could tease Brent.

“Uy nagseen si Shiloh!” si Con.

Tiningnan ko ang phone ko para makita ang pinagsesend na picture ni Rick sa GC nang makitang nagreply si Chloe. I viewed her message first.

My brow arched as soon as she sent a pretty picture of herself with a dog licking her lips.

Maverick:

I wish I was the dog.

I took a photo of the box of pizza too and sent it to her with the bottle of beer at the side.

Maverick:

Nasa bahay kami ng friends ko. Just chillin after the play. We won :)

Chloe:

Wala ka bang ibang ginagawa bukod sa basketball?

Ilang sigundo ang titig ko roon. What does she mean? What am I supposed to do? And where’s my…congratulations?

“Dude, Brent is so petty! K-in-ck out si Rick sa GC!” biglang sabi ni Tyler.

Agad akong pumunta sa GC at iyon agad ang naabutan. Rick was shaking his head like he’s so done with how Brent shows he’s really mad at him.

“Let’s leave too. Iwan natin siya. Mag-isa siya dito,” si Tyler na agad kong nakitang nagleft sa GC.

We were all laughing when we left one by one and created another GC. Sinali namin doon si Shiloh saka pinalitan ni Tyler ang group photo ng natutulog na mukha ni Brent.

For me, I really don’t mind what Rick did. I don’t…find it offending. Maybe because I contributed some words on that day too, and we were just having fun.

Wala naman akong problema sa mga bakla o katulad ni Denver. Pero hindi ganoon ka lalim ang pag-unawa ko sa kanila. I respect their decision, but I am not fully open to embracing them and being in a relationship with them. I’d still go with the straight ones, of course.

Sa mga sumunod na araw, nagyaya pang manood ng sine si Brent at hindi inimbita si Rick. Kaya pag galit ang isang ’to, kahit gusto naming asarin minsan, hinahayaan nalang dahil humuhupa nalang ang galit mo, siya, galit pa rin!

I chatted with Chloe on my way home with the boys. Hinahatid kami ni Tyler total nagdala siya ng kotse.

Maverick:

Are you free tomorrow? Let’s study together?

Chloe:

I can’t, eh. Magagalit si Kuya

I rolled my eyes for the nth time. Sino ba ’yang kapatid niya at nanghihimasok? And what is she? A high school girl? Nineteen na pinagbabawalan pa?

You know the girl has strict parents if you can’t even invite her so easily. O baka naman nasulsulan na ’to ng mga kaibigan niya na…puro red flag ang grupo namin?

Some of my past flings and exes were really nice. Though we didn’t work out well due to our differences, I like them.

For a month that’s texting her, she’s really too hard to please. Masungit din. Ang hirap hirap pa kausap minsan! I don’t know what’s keeping me interested in this girl lalo na’t patagal nang patagal, nawawalan ako ng interes.

Kaso pag nakikita ko naman sa school, parang nabubuhay na patay ang interes ko. She’s damn pretty. I heard this girl has a lot of agencies eyeing her for modeling, too. My taste in girls, really…

Kaya kahit gusto ko nang itigil, nagtitiis nalang total kinikilala pa naman namin ang isa’t isa.

Maverick:

I’m on the way. Let’s have lunch together. My treat.

Chloe:

Huwag muna! Papunta rito si Kuya!

Umangat ang kilay ko. Tingnan nga natin ’yang kapatid niya kung gaano ka nakakatakot?

So I jogged to the nursing department, where Chloe is. I only took the stairs since the elevator is always crowded. Mas mabilis pa.

Pagdating ko sa floor, ang una kong natanaw agad ay si Chloe na nasa hamba ng pinto at may kinakausap na lalakeng payat, medyo moreno at maraming tigyawat sa mukha.

Tumigil ako at nagtago sa gilid lalo na’t natatawa ako. ’Yan na ang Kuya niya?

“Ang ganda ni Chloe pero ang kapatid ang pangit. Hindi pa yata marunong maghilamos.”

Kung ganyang Kuya ba naman ang pinopormahan ko, sinong matatakot? Baka kahit bigyan ko ’yan ng headlock lalagutan agad ’yan ng hininga lalo na’t isang ubo nalang bibigay na yata ang katawan.

I laughed at my thoughts until someone passed and accidentally bumped into my broad shoulder. Naka itim na polo at khaki slacks habang may glasses na suot at medyo buhaghag ang buhok ang agad kong napansin na dumaan sa gilid ko.

“Bro. Watch your way,” I pointed out.

Instead of saying sorry, he looked at me with a side eye in a cold way while his hands remained in his pocket.

Intimidated by the way he looked at me, I adjusted my expression to let him know that I didn’t want a fight here.

“Then get out of the way,” he said nonchalantly and continued walking.

I scoffed and brushed my hair as my left cheek bubbled. Ang angas ah?

Well, I’m not the violent type. Isa pa…parang pamilyar ang tinig at…tingin. Hindi ko nga lang mahukay at mamukhaan pero…

Bumagabag pa iyon sa isip ko lalo na’t pamilyar sa akin ang tindig at mga mata. God. How would I even forget the eyes of that fucker who railed me? Lumayo layo na nga sa kahihiyan, malalaman kong baka schoolmate ko pa?

No. That might be a different person. Baka magkamukha lang. Isa pa, naka glasses at…iba ang ayos ng buhok? Hindi ko na nga lang maalala ang mukha noong lalake sa Club pero…parehas sila ng tingin.

“Si Shiloh humahalo lalo sa girls para magmukhang matangkad,” tukso ni Brent nang nasa bahay kami nila Angela at naroon si Shiloh sa mga babae nang magkayayaan na doon na magrereview para sa exam next week.

Humagalpak agad kaming boys habang naniningkit at matalim ang tingin ni Shiloh kay Brent na malawak ang ngisi.

“Ikaw humahalo ka sa boys kasi nagmumukha kang kapre pag nandito ka sa girls,” sagot ni Shiloh kaya nag sigawan kaming boys para asarin lalo.

“Ano, Brent? Sumagot ka!” si Tyler na pinaghihilot pa ang balikat ni Brent.

Brent just laughed and shook his head. “Shorty.”

“Kaya wala kang girlfriend kasi ganyan ka,” rinig namin ang bulong ni Shiloh habang nasa counter silang mga girls at may pinagkakaabahalan.

“Ohhhh,” daing naming mga boys para asarin lalo si Brent.

“Wala ka palang girlfriend kasi ganyan ka, bro?” hirit ni Tyler at natatawa.

“Ba’t ka ba kasi ganyan, dude?” si Ron na nakipag-apir agad kay Tyler at humagalpak kaming lalo.

“Kakaganyan niya kasi,” sabi ko kaya mas lalong sumakit ang tiyan namin kakatawa.

“Huwag kasi ganyan, Brent!” si Connor.

Brent’s cheek bubbled. He looked pissed, but there was a playful smile on his lips.

“Tigilan mo nga si Shiloh, Brent,” saway ni Mica at matalim na tiningnan si Brent.

Nailing ako at nagtipa ng reply kay Chloe.

Ako:

Kailangan ko pa bang magpaalam sa Kuya mo?

Chloe:

Huwag na! Hindi mo ’yon kaya.

Malawak ang ngisi ko. Hindi ko kaya? Talaga? Sa patpatin niyang katawan, baka siya ang manliit sa akin. Pero kung sa papangitan…hindi ko nga naman kaya.

The boys were loud in the living room. Naglalaro kami at kakatapos lang magreview para sa exam. Well, the girls—especially Brent—are planning a trip after our exam. Magboboracay kami.

“Birthday niya rin,” si Brent nang makwento iyon noong kami kaming boys nalang at nasa kusina na ang girls, abalang gumawa ng snacks.

“Dude noong birthday ko kinalimutan mo na nga, kahit pambili ng regalo hiningi mo pa sa akin. Tapos magpaplano ka ng malaki kay Shiloh? Saan mo hinugot ’yang kakapalan ng mukha mo?” reklamo ni Tyler na hawak ang controller ng PlayStation.

Oo nga. Ni hindi ito kailanman nagreregalo sa amin. Kahit alak nalang sana wala. Makikiinom pa, makikikain, at ang ambag lang ay ang ngisi niya. This is a big insult to us, who’ve been his friends since day one.

“Dude this is my mom’s idea. Anong gagawin ko? Mahal niya ’yan. Kung ako lang ang masusunod, bahala siya kung ayaw niyang magbirthday. Kahit regalo hindi ako magkukusa kaso si mommy, binigyan ako ng pera at gusto niya, bilhan ko raw,” ani Brent.

The boys calmed down. I looked at him getting so frustrated while explaining, as if he were convincing us to believe his liar ass.

“Aambag ba kami, Brent? Magkano ba?” si Rick na mukhang pursigidong tumulong habang wala masyadong pakialam ang ibang boys.

“Ako na ang bahala. Idistract lang natin. Hindi daw ’yan nakapagbirthday last year. Ewan ko. Sumabay yata sa pagkamatay ng kanyang lola. Kaya pursigido siguro si mommy na handaan ngayon.”

I looked at Brent carefully. The thing about this asshole is that when he lies, there’s that flickering in his eyes that I’m familiar with. Nakabisado ko iyon lalo na’t madalas ’tong magsinungaling sa akin noon.

But why would he lie about the birthday celebration? What about it? Anong pinagtatakpan niya?

I don’t really meddle with my friends shit. I let them be. I’m not the kind of friend who sticks my nose in their lives unless it has something to do with me too.

But Brent somehow bugged my mind. Especially when Shiloh’s birthday came, and I’ve seen some…well…familiarity.

Nagsindi ako ng sigarilyo habang rinig ang pag-iyak ni Shiloh at nagwalk-out si Brent. I don’t know how to react.

Sa hikbi ni Shiloh, alam kong masakit iyon. Though…as I said to myself…I don’t meddle with my friends problems. I let them handle it.

“M-Mav,” gulat na sabi ni Shiloh nang yumuko ako at tinulungan siya sa pagpupulot noon.

I smiled and offered my handkerchief. Tiningnan niya iyon.

“K-Kanina ka pa? Medyo napuwing lang ako at…” he explained as I saw the panic in his eyes.

“Just take it, Shiloh. I didn’t ask for an explanation.” I laughed.

Ang namumula niyang mga mata ay bumagay na sa pula niyang ilong. Tahimik niyang inabot ang panyo ko saka ko pinagtuunan ng pansin ang mga pinagpupulot niyang kung anong marble na kulay pink at purple.

It was a heavy feeling. Though I knew, it was in those instances that I could just walk away and keep it to myself—or pretend I didn’t know what was happening. Like a cycle I’ve been doing when I couldn’t accept it.

But then…if I don’t step forward to talk about it and accept them, can I even watch them step away from me instead?

Chapter 3

Close

Pumasok kami ni Shiloh sa villa. Nasa sofa siya at nagpupunas ng luha. Noong sumulyap siya sa akin, iniwas ko ang tingin at inilapag ang pitsel ng tubig nang mapuno na ang baso.

I walked toward him silently. Inilahad ko iyon sa kanya. Maliit niya akong nginitian at tinanggap iyon.

“Babalik ka pa ba? Your eyes were bloody red. The girls might…” I arched my brow and put my hands in my pocket.

Umiling siya. “Matutulog na ako. Babalik ka pa ba roon?”

The boys were still at the beach, having fun with the fire dance and, of course, the bikini girls. I’m up for those fun things if I am not trying to win a girl’s interest. Though I am not yet courting Chloe, who’s still a pain in the ass, I don’t really like involving myself with another girl while I’m in the middle of a situationship with someone.

Kaya nagtatagal ’yung mga ka fling ko dahil hindi ako agad lumilipat o nakikipaglandian sa iba. I don’t have deep issues with my exes either, since I respect the three-month rule, unless we really didn’t date.

“Hindi na. I’ll just shower and maybe go to bed too.”

He looked bothered. Ngunit tumango siya, nag-iiwas ng tingin at pinipisil ang mga kamay.

“Here at the sofa. Hihintayin ko pa ang boys din,” agap ko.

As I said, I don’t like meddling with others problems. I am not the nosy type either, but I could smell what’s going on. I knew what was happening. And I…chose to just let them be.

Hindi ko alam kung tanggap ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Just like when my parents split up, I couldn’t even get mad at my father and confront him. Or comfort my mother. I would…just stay silent and pretend I don’t have an idea.

But this case…it’s quite unpredictable and shocking. Si Brent ang…baliko? And Shiloh rejected him directly, which tells me he’s straight? Sa dalawa eh parang si Shiloh pa…pero si Brent pala?

I’ve known Brent for years. He’s a total fuckboy. Asshole at times. But the fucker is straighter than the ruler. Babae lang ang nagpapasigla kumbaga. And to know that he likes Shiloh made me think he probably got bored with the girls because he has already played for centuries.

Pero baka naman lust lang? Just like my mistake in the summer? Meron namang ganoon. Maybe he has hots for him? At roommate niya rin. Knowing Shiloh is prettier than a woman. He has almost an hourglass body because of his small waist. Singkit. At sobrang kinis. Baka tingin ni Brent may pag-asa siya?

Kasi kahit din naman ako kung babae si Shiloh. Kung babae. Eh itong si Brent, parang natuluyan na yata.

Humiga ako sa sofa at tinitigan ang numero ni Chloe. I should distract my mind.

I pushed the call button while staring at the ceiling. Naririnig ko ang pag ring ngunit hindi niya sinasagot. It’s already eleven. I’m not sure if she’s still awake or…

Oh shoot! She answered!

Tumikhim ako. “Hello? Are you still up or…I disturbed your sleep?” I whispered and chuckled a little.

I could hear her heavy breath. I really interrupted her sleep. Ngunit hindi pa ako nakakapagsalita, pinatay agad ang tawag.

Nalaglag ang panga ko. I called again. And for the second time, she ended it.

Kumunot ang noo ko. Hindi naman kami nag-away? Pero masungit siya minsan. I could let this girl slip into my hand, but I would rather distract myself tonight than let my mind get filled with thoughts I didn’t want to visit.

So I called again. And this time, she picked it up.

“Chloe? Are you mad? What did I do?” tanong ko at idinaan sa tawa iyon.

“Stop hitting with my sister. If I see you at the school, I’ll break your neck,” ang malamig na tinig ng kung sino ang sumagot.

Napawi ang ngiti ko. Oh…the brother?

“Hi bro.” I greeted.

And then he turned the call off again. Nakakabanas. Hindi na nga madiskartehan, may kapatid pang asungot!

Well, if someone is doing the same thing to my sister, I’d break the fucker’s neck too.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang maalala ulit ang tinig ng lalake. It’s quite familiar. It rings a bell. Though I really can’t point out where I heard that voice.

Bumangon ako at binuksan ang pinto ng kwarto ng mga boys. Naroon si Shiloh, nakatalukbong na ng kumot ang buong katawan pati ang ulo sa kama. Gusto ko sanang pumasok kaso…

I closed the door again and went back to the sofa. Nailing na lamang ako sa sarili ko. I hate this feeling really…

“Nag-away kayo ni Shiloh, Brent?” takang tanong ni Rick nang mapansing mailap si Shiloh bigla sa amin sa sumunod na klase.

Brent just shrugged and smirked. This fucker doesn’t know how to handle it. And just like me, when I couldn’t handle it, I would rather distract myself with what’s easier to face.

“Court Shila, Brent. I think you need to have a girlfriend to at least understand how relationships work.” payo ko lalo na’t alam ko na mas maiging magseryoso siya—kaysa ang maghanap lang ng distraction.

Pumunta kami muli sa building kung nasaan sila Chloe. She’s friends with Shila, Brent’s new interest. Kami ang nagpakilala ni Ron lalo na’t ang pinopormahan ni Ron ay malapit lang din kay Chloe.

“Anong sinabi mo kay Kuya? Tumawag ka raw?” ang agad na bungad ni Chloe nang lapitan ko siya nang mapadpad na kami sa Department nila.

Nilingon ko saglit si Brent na nilalapitan na si Shila. Tumingin din si Chloe roon, iritado, at noong ibinalik ang tingin sa akin, mas nadisgusto.

“Wala naman. He ended it,” sabi ko at kinuha ang dala niyang books saka kami naglakad.

Tinapik ko ang balikat ni Brent at nginisihan siya. Tumingin si Brent sa amin ngunit inirapan lamang ni Chloe.

“Asshole,” irita niyang sabi.

I licked my lips. I know that she hates my circles, mostly Brent. Marami siyang naririnig sa amin at irita siya ngayon na ang kaibigan niya ang pinopormahan ni Brent.

“Brent is quite serious at the moment,” sabi ko.

“Serious? Eh siya ang rason kaya umiiyak lagi si Marissa.”

Well…I can’t cover up that shit. Lalo na’t masahol talaga si Brent pagdating sa babae. He’s like Tyler when it comes to handling girls.

“At friends kayo. Kung naging tayo, ayoko sa circle mo,” she added and rolled her eyes.

I squinted my eyes and scratched my neck. Gustong gusto ko si Chloe. I like her…well…physically? It was like love at first sight. But when it came to knowing her, I suddenly saw how hard it was to deal with her.

Last month ko pa sinusubukan pero mailap siya. We’d text sometimes lalo na’t ang mga invites ko ay tinatanggihan niya. Dito ko pa lang talaga siya sa school nakakasama nang matagal.

She’s Bossy. Mataray. And worse of all, she would always rant about how she disliked my circle.

Ayos lang naman sa akin na may nasasabi sa mga kaibigan ko. The assholes aren’t even guilty if you say they’re fuckboys and assholes. But…somehow…it became a problem for the both of us that she wanted me to find another circle I could fit in if I wanted us to work out as…lovers.

“’Yung kuya ko, academically achiever. Valedictorian pa noong high school, tapos seryosong nag-aaral. Kaya ang gusto niya, ganoon din daw ang idate ko. Kung nalaman niya na nasa circle ni Brent, magagalit siya sa akin. Eh wala namang matino sa inyo,” patuloy niya noong pinaghila ko siya ng upuan nang lumabas kami para kumain.

’Yang kuya mong pangit at laging nakikisawsaw?

“Ang kuya mo ba dapat ang una kong kilalanin? Ipakilala mo nga ako. Baka magkakasundo kami,” hirit ko nang maalala ang mukha noong kapatid niya.

“Paano kita ipapakilala kung nasa circle ka nila Brent?” Umirap siyang muli at humalukipkip sa upuan niya.

May sumpa talaga ang pag kilala mo si Brent. Parang kung anong baho niya, baho na rin ng lahat. But then…I am not gonna clean up my own dirt here. I am just like him. Just the other low-key version who can hide his shit well.

“Sabi ng kuya mo, pag nakita niya kami, magba-bond daw kami,” ngisi ko.

“Talaga?” Medyo kumalma ang mukha niya.

“Oo. Babalian niya raw ako ng leeg. What a bond, right?” Humalakhak ako.

Chloe’s eyes widened, and she laughed too. Sa laki ng katawan ko, ako pa ang babalian ng leeg? Baka pag nakita niya ako umurong agad siya.

“No seriously. Tell your brother if he likes basketball? We’ll bond.” Nang masiko ko ’yang mukha niya.

Hindi nga lang kami nagtagal doon lalo na’t may isa pa siyang subject kaya hinatid ko rin siya pabalik.

“Mavric. Pa text nga. May load ka ba?”

I nodded and handed over my phone. Tahimik akong sumandal sa gilid ng pinto habang nakatayo siya at abalang magtipa.

“Thank you. May klase ka pa?” tanong niya habang binabalik na sa akin. “O mangchichix na naman kayo ng friends mo?”

I laughed and took my phone from her hand gently.

“Kahit dito nalang ako tumambay sa labas ng room mo para makasigurado kang hindi ako nambababae?” hirit ko.

Umirap siya ngunit may ngiti na sa labi at bahagya akong itinulak. Nangingiti akong umatras ngunit hinawakan ang kamay niya.

“Umalis kana nga. Maabutan ka pa ng kapatid ko.”

So what? Angasan niya nga ako. Akala niya naman matatakot ako? Sa patpatin niyang katawan?

“I’ll wait for him.”

Namilog ang mga mata niya at mas natataranta akong itinulak.

“Huwag na!”

Kinagat ko ang labi at nangingiting umirap. Why is she so scared of her brother?

Sa huli, umalis din naman ako. Pababa na ako at nasa may hagdan na nang makasalubong ko muli ang lalakeng pamilyar na nakaglasses.

This man… again.

He gave me that intense side eye again when he passed me. I gave him one, too and smirked sarcastically.

I never have bad blood with anyone. Maybe because I take things lightly. Hindi naman ako bayolenteng tao. I would only punch someone when I’m so mad at them. I don’t have a ticking bomb temper; it takes a lot of menace to upset me or to snap me.

But his gaze screamed menace, and I felt like his fist would land on my face anytime soon because of the way he looked at me.

“Do I owe you something, dude?” tanong ko.

Instead of stopping on his step, he didn’t. Patuloy siyang naglakad at tanging malamig at delikadong titig lang ang ibinigay sa akin.

The last time I had a beef with someone was when I had a fling, and the man who likes her seems to be competing with me.

Si Chloe lang naman ang medyo pinapakitaan ko ng interes ngayon. Unless that man…is into Chloe too?

Naging subsob din naman ako sa practice sa basketball at nagtetext nalang ulit kami ng ilang araw ni Chloe.

I know my intentions for Chloe are good. I could court her if what’s between us gets serious. But I am taking things lightly coz she wanted to know me too.

I jogged to the nearest water fountain after my practice. May tao na roon, at sa tindig pa lang at suot na salamin habang ina-adjust ang sleeves ng kanyang shirt at inirorolyo ito, alam ko na agad kung sino.

I saw him take his eyeglasses off and put them into his pocket as he crouched and opened the faucet. Bumagal ang paglalakad ko hanggang sa pinatay niya ang tubig at sinuklay paatras ang basa na ring buhok.

When he opened his eyes and looked at me with those intense eyes that I was familiar with, my eyes slowly widened when I finally confirmed who he was.

This is the one who…oh fuck it!

No, damn it. Huwag mong ipahalatang naalala mo! Gago! Lasing ka no’n! Pagkakamali lang ’yon noong summer na ibinaon mo na sa limot!

And what’s worse, I was getting a flashback, not with just the intense fucking but with the sharp pain I felt on that day. Gago!

His brow shot up until I noticed he had already rinsed his face using his handkerchief, while his wet hair remained brushed backwards as he took his glasses out again and wore them.

Hindi ko nakilala sa tuwing nakababa ang buhok niya at magulo. Ngunit sa ayos niya ngayon, talagang pamilyar.

I cleared my throat and positioned myself in front of the water fountain. He tilted his head and watched me bend over a little as I opened my mouth so I could drink.

Damn it.

Binalingan ko siya. Looking at him now in broad daylight, I realized how intense his cold eyes were. Medyo singkit ang mga mata kaya nagmumukhang suplado lalo. His body looked so defined that his biceps were sculptured on his shirt.

Compared to my face, I was the playful type. I am not that serious-looking. Lalo na’t pag nagsasalita ako, may ngisi lagi sa labi at sumisilip agad ang dimple ko. With my expressive eyes and my pearl white teeth showing every time I laugh at things, you could tell how I like to play around.

And with the circles I’m in—loud and fun—I blended in so well. Suplado naman tingnan si Brent minsan ganoon din si Rick, pero ang isang ’to, sukdulan. Na pag inihalo siya sa amin, baka hindi siya makasabay dahil masyadong seryoso.

Naglakad na siya paalis kaya sinundan ko siya ng tingin at pinunasan ang aking labi gamit ang kamay. Hindi ko alam kung nakilala niya ba ako, namukhaan o…wala siyang pakialam talaga?

Gago ’ah? Sarap na sarap ako sa gabing ’yon, tapos siya, ganito aasta? Parang hindi man lang nasarapan kaya ang daling nakalimot?

And here I am, who couldn’t even move on from that extraordinary sex—which I got bottomed on—and worst of all, I was railed in my ass! My virgin ass! Tapos makikita ko siya ngayon, dadaan daanan lang ako?

I scoffed and laughed, as I cannot believe I am more offended now that he didn’t just leave me that night with money, and he’s also purposely ignoring me now.

Dahil ano? Hindi ako kagalingan? Eh kung hinayaan niya ako…edi baka sa aming dalawa ngayon, siya ang hindi makalimot? Baka nga pumayag siyang araw-arawin ko?

Tumawa ako sa kayabangan ko. I immediately straightened up and jogged toward him, purposely bumping into his shoulder so that his glasses fell on the floor.

“Oh, sorry.” Ngiti ko at pinulot iyon sa kanya.

He stopped and looked at his glasses. I smirked and wiggled it playfully. Noong inambahan niyang kunin, inilayo ko agad.

“What’s this? You have two personalities? Ganoon ba ka labo ang mata mo na hindi mo ako matandaan o…”

He arched his brow. “How could I even forget the face of that man who came first with just a few strokes?”

Unti-unting napawi ang ngiti ko. At talagang sinasadya niya lang talaga akong hindi pansinin? Am I that bad?

He tried to snatch his eyeglasses from me, but I immediately pulled them away. Nakita ko ang panghahamon sa mga mata niya. Noong tinangka niyang kunin ulit, bago ko pa man mailayo, napaungol nalang ako nang sa bilis ng kilos niya, nadiin na ako sa pader at nasa likod ko na ang mga kamay kong mahigpit niyang hawak.

“Fuck.” I cursed when I almost remembered the one time he pinned me aggresively against the bed.

“You are really full of talk. Maingay,” aniya sa makahulugang tinig at kinuha sa aking kamay ang kanyang salamin.

I groaned and tried to escape from his grip.

“Then let’s fuck again? I’ll do you hard. Let’s bet? You might be the loudest.” I smirked as I side-eyed him as he still restrained me.

Umangat lamang ang kanyang kilay saka ako marahas na binitiwan. Nangingiti ko siyang tiningnan, pinisil ang pang-ibaba kong labi, at napagtantong nasa iisang University lamang kami.

“Rade!” May kung sinong tumawag na ikinalingon niya roon.

I’ve seen the familiar brother of Chloe looking at us. So they’re close? Ah…nagpapasipsip? Is this fucker trying to win Chloe’s attention too? 

Umalis siya sa aking harapan at lumapit na sa patpating kapatid ni Chloe. Ngumuso ako, pinigilan ang ngiti habang nakapamaywang siyang tinanaw.

Are we pursuing the same girl? Really? And your name is Rade, huh?

Chapter 4

Cry

If he is close to Chloe’s brother, then…that fucker is an engineering student? At nakita ko siya noong nakaraan na umakyat sa building nila Chloe. Which means he’s really into Chloe?

What a small world. Are we pursuing the same girl? Really? And does Chloe even know that fucker is…gay?

Gusto ko sanang matawa sa bagay na iyon kaso kung nalaman ni Chloe, hindi ba’t mab-badshot din ako?

Well, I could deny it. I’m straight. Sigurado ako sa kasarian ko. Unlike that fucker who purposely invited me. Siya naman ang nanghamon. At nahamon lang ako dahil kuryoso, hindi dahil bakla rin ako.

But why did he try it with me anyway? Was it because he’s horny? Gay for me? If he’s gay for me, then why does he act like he’s not interested in me at all.

Ako:

Chloe. What has your brother been up to lately? Does he have sports?

I sent the text to her after doing my plates for my major subject.

Chloe:

Hindi siya mahilig sa sports.

Oo nga naman. Sa patpating katawan noon, kahit nga baka gym sa barbell mabali agad ’yon.

I wanted to ask if someone is pursuing her named Rade, but then why would I fucking care about my own enemies?

Clearly, this wasn’t the first time that I encountered the boys who were also pursuing the woman I liked. I’m sports. Hindi naman ako nakikipag-angasan. I don’t like competitions at all. I only go with the flow and focus on getting the girl’s trust.

But to know that the man who fucked my ass was interested in the woman I’m pursuing, I’m kind of interested.

What’s this? Do we have the same taste in women? And his taste in men was…me?

Ako:

How about Facebook? Any social media?

Chloe:

Bakit? I-aadd mo? Huwag nga!

Ako:

I’m just trying to be friendly here. I can ask for his permission if you like, so you won’t get worried about him.

Chloe:

Masungit ’yon si Kuya! Pag-in add mo ’yon, mahuhulaan niya agad na ako ang sadya mo!

I rolled my eyes boredly. Saan ba kasi tumatambay ’yang kapatid niya nang matyempuhan ko.

I was convincing Chloe straight for a week. Hindi naman sa gusto ko ring magpasipsip sa kapatid niya pero naririndi na ako sa excuse niya lagi na magagalit ang kapatid niya pag nakita kaming magkasama.

“Hindi nga siya nagbabasketball,” ulit niya nang samahan ko siya sa National Bookstore dahil may gusto siyang bilhing libro.

“Gym? Mukhang hindi ’yon nagg-gym…” Ngisi ko, gustong kutyain ang patpating katawan ng kapatid niya pero pinigilan ko lamang ang sarili.

She didn’t answer it and focused on getting the book she wanted for herself. I boredly put my hands into my pocket and watched her enjoy herself on books until she decided to buy them, which I insisted on paying for.

I don’t know what kind of book it was, but it’s related to engineering? After buying the book, I took her to the nearest restaurant so we could dine in, at least.

Sinulit ko ang araw na ’yon lalo na’t alam ko, pahirapan na naman siyang makasama. If only I could invite her to our trips with my friends, but I couldn’t since she dislikes the boys—most especially Brent—for giving signals to her friend Shila.

I went to the gym for our practice in the afternoon. Naroon na sila Tyler at ang iba pang teammates.

“Ba’t ngayon ka lang? Gago ka. Kanina ka pa hinahanap ni Coach,” ani Tyler habang nakaupo sa bench at abala sa phone.

Binuksan ko ang kinuha kong duffel bag sa locker at inilabas ang aking jersey. I pulled my t-shirt off and glanced at our other team, which was doing their own practice.

“Hinatid ko pa si Chloe,” sabi ko.

Hindi na sumagot si Tyler at nangingiting nagtype ng reply. I looked at the screen of his phone and saw he’s chatting with Kael.

The poser account of Verena that’s meant to prank Brent is now used to make fun of Kael instead.

“Hindi mo pa rin sinasabi?” tanong ko nang tabihan siya para magpalit din ng sapatos.

“Hindi. Pinaglalaruan ko pa. Sa daming atraso nito… Tingnan mo.” Ipinakita niya sa akin ang s-in-end na picture ni Kael.

Humagalpak kaming dalawa. It was Kael flexing the muscles of his bicep. Lumapit si Ronan at kinuha ang mineral water sa bench sabay silip sa pinagtatawanan namin kaya kaming tatlo na ang maiingay.

Look, love. May muscles ako.

Iyon ang reply ni Kael na ilang sigundo naming pinagtawanan.

“Reply-an mo!” sulsol ni Ronan habang gusto na naming gumulong sa sahig kakatawa sa picture.

Pa kiss nga sa muscle, love!

Ang reply ni Tyler na ikinasakit ng tiyan ko kakatawa.

Kael:

Kiss mo :*

Tyler clicked a sticker. Naghampasan kaming tatlo sa sobrang hagalpakan lalo na’t iyong naghihingalong aso pa ang ginamit niyang sticker na aatakihin na yata sa puso.

“Iflex mo rin ang muscle mo, Tyler! Tingnan mo mababaliw ’yan pag nakita niyang mas malaki pa ang muscle ni Verena kaysa sa kanya!” ani Ronan kaya halos sumabog ulit ang tawanan namin.

Natatawang magtipa ng reply si Tyler.

Huwag papagutom love. Baka mawala ang muscle mo. Ikikiss ko pa ’yan. :*

“Gago! Nakakadiri!” sigaw ni Ron habang tawang tawa kami ni Tyler na nag-apir dahil sa corny na mga replies.

I cannot imagine Kael’s snobbish and cold expression while he has this conversation with Tyler. Imagine it, ang angas angas ng tindig at akala mo kung sinong matapang tapos ganito pala sa chats?

Kael sent another photo. This time he was pulling his t-shirt a bit while showing his abs too. Sumabog muli ang tawanan naming tatlo at nauubo na si Ronan sa pag-inom niya ng tubig habang nakatuko na ang mga kamay ko sa sahig kakatawa.

“Abs niyang absent!” kutya ni Tyler habang nagtitipa ng reply.

Sarap naman ng abs mo, love

“Hayop ka, Tyler! Mabubugbog ka talaga pag nalaman niyang ikaw si Verena!” tawang tawa na sabi ni Ronan.

Kael:

Ikikiss mo rin? :*

Isiniksik ko ang sarili sa gilid ni Tyler para mabasa ang reply niya ganoon din si Ron sa gilid.

Oo. Ikikiss ko rin.

“Magsend ka ng dibdib, Tyler! Flat naman ’yon si Verena. Hindi niya mapapansin!” sulsol ni Ronan.

At ang tarantadong si Tyler ay sumang-ayon naman. Inangat niya ang jersey niya habang ako ang pinahawak sa phone niya at si Ronan ang tumutulak sa bawat gilid ng kanyang dibdib para magkalaman iyon.

Sa sobrang tawanan namin, hindi na maayos ang pagkakakuha ng picture at nasasali pa ang abs ni Tyler. And he was really into it, pushing his imaginary flat chest to create the illusion that it’s the boobs of a woman when it’s clearly so flat.

“Ipitin mo!” sulsol ko habang natatawa ko iyong p-in-icturan.

Tinulungan na siya ni Ronan sa kanyang dibdib. We were so loud and hyper about Tyler’s flat chest as I took a photo of it until Con and Rick went to us to know what was happening.

“Tuhod, Tyler! Ipasok mo ang mga tuhod mo sa t-shirt tapos magpicture ka sa anggulo sa taas para mukhang dibdib!” sulsol ni Rick.

And Tyler shamelessly tried it while we were laughing continuously. Tumigas na ang tiyan ko kakatawa at gusto ko nang humiga sa gym dahil nasobrahan naman sa laki ang dibdib ni Tyler.

“May buhok buhok pa!” puna ni Con nang izoom in namin at kita ang maliliit na balahibo ni Tyler sa tuhod kaya mas lalong hindi kapani-paniwala.

“Dude you’re fucked kung nagyaya ’yan ng SOP!” bayolenteng sabi ni Ron habang tumatawa pa rin.

“Tas imagine pinaungol niya sa’yo ang pangalan mo! Tapos tunog brusko! Mat-trauma ’yan ng isang taon si Kael!” hagalpak ko.

“Kael…” Tyler moaned, using his voice in such a manly tone that we ended up laughing again.

Kung hindi lang kami tinawag ulit ni coach para ipagpatuloy ang practice baka natuloy talaga ang pagsesend ng pictures kay Kael. And would he even buy those fabricated photos of Tyler? I can’t imagine the fucker getting turned on with fake photos of Tyler!

Lagot talaga itong si Tyler pag nabuking. For sure Kael would break his neck if he found out that he’s been sending his selfies to Tyler himself who’s more mascular than him.

“Mavric. Si Shiloh… ’yung singkit sa circle niyo. May girlfriend ba siya?” biglang tanong ng kaklase ko sa isang subject habang abala ako sa aking gamit sa Miyerkules na ’yon.

Umiling ako. “As far as I know, he’s single. Why? Your type?”

Namula agad siya. “Ah…may number ka?”

I laughed. “You’re the sixth girl who ask for his number…”

Namilog ang mga mata niya. “Talaga? Binigay mo ba?!”

Umiling ako at ngumiti habang isinusuot na ang bag sa aking balikat. I was ready to leave while she looked so desperate to persuade me.

“Pahingi naman! Crush na crush ko talaga siya…”

Sumabay siya sa akin sa paglabas ng classroom habang hawak niya ang kanyang phone at ibinibigay sa akin.

After what happened, I haven’t talked to Shiloh more about it. Or…I don’t know…

“Sige na please!” Hawak niya sa braso ko.

I sighed and took my phone out.

“Here. Type your number. If he’s fine giving his number, I’ll give your number to him instead,” alok ko na ikinaliwanag ng mukha niya.

Kinuha niya agad ang phone ko at tinipa ang kanyang number. Hinaplos ko ang aking batok habang hinihintay siyang matapos nang sa gilid ng aking mga mata, nakita ko ang pamilyar na lalakeng tumingin sa aming direkasyon.

He was just passing by. I saw him look at the phone the girl was handing back to me and continue walking.

“Thank you, Mavric!”

I smiled and looked at her again. “No problem.”

Isinilid ko ang phone sa aking pitaka at nagpasyang pumunta sa library lalo na’t alam ko na doon patungo ang lalakeng ’yon.

It wasn’t hard to find him. Nakita ko siya sa table na may libro na at abala sa pagbuklat noon. I cleared my throat and walked his way as I carefully dragged the chair beside him and occupied it.

He didn’t even budge. He was still wearing his glasses while his hair was down, kissing its thick brows, and I could see how serious he was while reading.

Compared to my get-up, I looked like I was trying to part a woman’s legs because of the opened buttons of my shirt, my disheveled wavy hair, and the smug I was wearing. While he looked like he’d been reading books all night, his face screamed the knowledge he had gained from them. Seryosong seryoso siya. Something I familiarized on that night. Very opposite from my own playfulness.

“Are you really gay?” I asked curiously.

“Why? You like to be the bottom again?” he asked nonchalantly and flipped the page.

I boyishly scoffed and ran my tongue through my lower lip. Napadpad ang tingin ko sa mga librong dinala niya at napansin ang pamilyar na librong ako pa mismo ang nagpresintang magbayad kaya hindi ko makakalimutan.

I took it and opened it. My brow arched as soon as I’ve seen a penmanship of someone that says, ‘I love you!’

Again. I am not the jealous type. I don’t mind if Chloe has crushes or someone is pursuing her too.

But this…is quite insulting. Did I just pay for the book she gave him? Is he her type?

Nilingon ko si Rade. I checked him out shamelessly. Veiny hands. Clean get-up. Thick brows. Cold demeanor. Stoic expression and intense eyes. He could even pass as a mystery because of how unpredictable he looks.

Is she…his type? Knowing that he is close to Chloe’s brother, she also gave him the book she bought that I paid for.

Well, he fucks men. He doesn’t like Chloe, for sure. How would Chloe react if she found out he fucks men? She might get turned off.

“Sinong nagbigay? Girlfriend?” I asked and showed the front book.

He looked at it once, then took his eyes back to the book he was reading.

“None of your business,” he said in a flat tone.

“Or boyfriend?” I teased and chuckled.

It was hard to get an interesting expression out of him because of his cold demeanor. But when he talks, there’s that challenge expression that mingles with his words. Like he has never been defeated since day one. Or he has never been rejected because of the confidence you could sense in him.

I rested my elbow on the table as I put my knuckles on the side of my head while looking at his serious expression.

He side-eyed me, so I smiled at him. Kinuha niya ang tingin sa akin at tinitigan ang libro na hawak.

“Imagine if the woman who likes you found out you railed men. It’s quite a turn off…” sabi ko.

“Yes. Imagine it,” he fired back.

I laughed. “You seem like you have a good reputation too. For sure, you won’t run your mouth in public and spread it?”

“And what if I spread it?” he said raspily and flipped the page of the book he was reading.

“Try me.” I smirked more.

He looked at me critically, like a puzzle he was trying to solve.

“Imagine the reaction of your family,” he added tauntingly.

I laughed. “Imagine the reaction of your family too. It’s not like I did it alone. If you were about to spread it, I wouldn’t be the only one being exposed. You’d be with me. I’ll tell them you invited me and fuck me senselessly.”

“I don’t mind. My parents would understand.  How about you?” Tinitigan niya ako ng malalim.

I only smiled at him. Ibinalik niya ulit ang atensyon sa libro. I keep the smug on my face, but deep inside, I want to smack his head against the table. Why would he include my family here?

Kahiya-hiya nga naman sa ibang parents ang ganoong balita. But there was something insulting the way he says it.

But I’m confident here that he won’t run his mouth in public. Because seems like he wasn’t out yet. I could sense he has a reputation to maintain too. Mukha ngang maraming nakakaangasan ang isang ’to dahil magaling siyang galitin ang isang tao at baliin ang kompustura nito.

I stood and smiled at him before something uncontrollable happened.

“That book by the way. I bought that for the woman I like. Chloe Tejano. And I’m pursuing her.”

Tiningnan niya ang libro saka ako nilingon.

“Chloe has low standards then,” he said insultingly.

My lips twisted as I chuckled and turned my back, the humor vanishing on my face as I seriously walked out of the library. He really got that air…that cold demeanor that challenges me.

I’ve never been this fired up to beat the shit out of someone. First, he fucked me. Second. He purposely ignores me. Third, he mocked me for being like by Chloe. And fourth, he included my family.

Ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganito katinding galit, pagkainsulto, at pagkakabali ng kompostura. He got some of my weaknesses that I buried so deep for a long time, and yet he unconsciously activated it.

Or did he see through something in me? He figured something out? Something that snaps my confidence that he found a way to crush my ego?

Pumikit ako at napabuga ng hininga habang naiiling na napangisi. It would probably the nicest sight to see him helpless under me huh? Oh the things I’ll give to see him cry. Talagang nahahamon ako.

Chapter 5

Place

“Harder…” he pleaded with those glassy eyes.

I smirked and pushed it roughly while I could see myself in the mirror standing behind him.

He was bent over, and his pulses were gripped by my one hand against his back as his head was facing the side and looking up at me helplessly.

“You think that was you, huh?” His chilly voice sent a shiver down my spine.

When I looked at the mirror again, I saw myself bending over, and he was now standing behind me as our positions were suddenly reversed.

“This hole is mine,” he whispered in the same exact words that night.

Nagising ako sa umagang iyon at naramdaman ang sariling kumikislot. I took the blanket out of my body and saw the tent against my pants, which made me groan.

Nakakabanas. Pati sa panaginip, naisahan pa ako! Ganito na ba ako ka desperado na dala dala ko ang hinanakit kahit sa pagtulog ko?

Ako:

Good morning, Chloe.

I was growing desperate. I wanted to confront Chloe and ask about the book, but that’s not my style. I’m not confrontational. Unless she’s my girlfriend.

Dahil kung kami man, at nahuli ko siyang ginawa iyon sa akin, na ibinigay sa ibang lalake ang binili ko para sa kanya, o binayaran ko, I’ll ask her about it.

But we don’t have any deep relationships right now. I insisted on paying for it. Kahit pa iregalo niya ’yon sa crush niya, o sa ibang lalake, hindi naman masakit para sa akin dahil hindi ko siya girlfriend.

But because it was not just anyone but the man who has the ability to piss me off, I’m really fired up. My thoughts were now clouded for the first time. I wanted to expose him and taint his image to Chloe just to crush him first before he crushes me.

But then what would I get in return? The fucker will also expose me. Sure. I could deal with it. Ayos lang kung itinulak niya ako sa bangin dahil sisiguraduhin kong mahahawakan ko siya at sabay kaming mahuhulog. But he is just too confident; I think he has more cards in his sleeves, and it irks me more.

Baka kung nalaman kong pinipormahan niya si Chloe at gustong gusto niya, makikipagkompetensya ako para lang doon. Para lang matalo siya. Para lang maipamukha sa kanya na hindi siya mananatili sa ibabaw ko habangbuhay dahil mahihila ko rin siya pababa.

“Mav! Sa loob na tayo,” anyaya ng mga girls nang makita akong nanatili sa lounger para manigarilyo sa Linggong iyon.

Sumenyas ako na mauna na sila. Nagkayayaan ulit ang mga girls sa bahay ni Angela kaya nandito na naman kami sa bahay nila.

Iinom kaming boys mamaya since Con is brokenhearted. Among us boys, he’s the vulnerable type. He doesn’t mind showing his scars or when he’s problematic about something.

Inalala ko kung may araw din ba na binuksan ko man lang ang sarili ko para mapag-usapan nila ang buhay ko. My problems with girls aren’t really that deep. Well, I experienced some deep heartbreaks, but I don’t heartily share about them, or I don’t really exacerbate it.

Para sa akin, lilipas lang din naman ’yan. Why would you cry about it? Girls don’t really cut deep. Even with my problems in school, especially with my hard subjects, they don’t hurt that much.

Kahit problema sa pamilya, hindi ko pinoproblema. Up until now, I could still shrug about the split up of my parents.

Am I this unbothered, or…I am just good at hiding it?

Muli kong hinithit ang sigarilyo at seryosong binalikan sa aking isip ang pag-uusap na iyon. I tried to bury it like I deal with it, but the fucker’s voice was ringing in my mind.

Man…I should have smacked his face right there and then. I am still regretting it.

Lumabas si Shiloh sa pool at mukhang may sasaguting tawag. When the ring ended, his eyes drifted to me. I glanced at him and smiled.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa pool. Nakita ko ang paglalakad niya patungo sa akin. Hinithit ko ng huling beses ang sigarilyo at pinitik iyon sa malayo.

“Nagsisimula na ba sila?” tanong ko habang inuukupa niya na ang isang lounger.

“Nagseset-up na sila sa kuwarto ni Angela. Magmomovie-marathon daw. Tapos sila uh…Brent…mag-iinuman…”

I smiled meaningfully at the way he uttered Brent’s name. Tumango ako at inilagay ang kamay sa likod ng ulo habang tahimik naman na niyakap ni Shiloh ang mga paa niya.

“Ayos ka lang?” tanong niya.

It was so comforting that I wanted to spit everything out because the way he asked was so provocative to open yourself up.

“Why? Do I look like I’m brokenhearted, like Con?” I smiled again.

“Mukhang umiiyak ang mga mata mo. Pero hindi naman,” he said gently.

I chuckled softly. “Really?”

Tumango siya at tahimik na tiningnan ang pool. I wanted to ask about him and Brent, but did I even talk about it during that time? I didn’t. He would be weirded out if I suddenly opened it up.

Isa pa, problema naman nila ’yon. Bakit ako manghihimasok? I like things to leave according to where it should be. It’s like when you find some evidence and you know that touching it would put you in trouble, so you keep your hand away from it.

“What’s your type?” I asked when I remembered some of my blockmates asking for his number.

I could sense that he automatically formed an answer in his mind or that he had thought of someone because of the way his cheeks blushed.

“Hindi ko alam…” he answered slowly.

“Do you want me to…give your number to girls?”

Ilang sigundo niya akong tinitigan.

“Brent is now courting someone else. He’s quite busy. Maybe you would also enjoy things if you’re also entertaining?” I smiled.

“M-May narinig ka ba noong gabing ’yon, Mav?”

“Like?” I arched my brow and tilted my head as I smiled at him playfully.

“Kahit ano.”

Shiloh. He’s the reflection of what’s buried underneath. He has that vibe in him, like the sun. Something you cannot conceal. Something that is meant to be shown…over the horizon.

The sun is meant to rise. No matter how you tried to bury them underneath, they would always find a way to dim that darkness in you.

“Come here.” I gestured.

Kumunot ang noo niya. Sinenyasan ko ulit siya na lumapit. He curiously leaned closer.

“A man fucked me,” I whispered.

Marahas ang kanyang pagkakatingin sa akin, namimilog ang mga mata.

“In the ass, Shiloh. He railed me like I was his bitch,” I continued.

His eyes were widened more by my explicit words.

“And I like it.” Humagalpak ako.

Nalaglag ang kanyang panga. He looked mortified. I licked my lips and smiled.

“You can keep that secret. I’ll keep yours too.” I winked.

Unti-unti siyang kumalma. Suddenly, it feels lighter. I could feel myself getting relaxed. And I could also feel him getting comfortable with me.

“Masakit ba?” he asked curiously.

“I’m not used to it, so yes. But it felt good.”

Namula siya at mukhang may pumapasok na sa isip niya. Maybe he’s curious?

“I should try with girls again. I think I’ve been craving it since it happened. Ah…I really want to do it again with that fucker just to get back on him. Ang yabang.” I shared uncontrollably.

“Uulit ka?” His eyes widened again.

“For casual fuck. You know, just to satisfy myself. I just want to crush his ego too. To replace that confidence in him. I want to make him cry so bad, Shiloh. Do you have that feeling?”

Umiling agad siya. He looked so innocent while blushing.

“His pain expression would probably turn me on. Ganoon ako ka galit sa kanya na gusto ko siyang balikan at wasakin.”

I saw him swallow. I laughed.

“Wawasakin ko siya.”

“Paano kung ikaw ulit ang uh…wasakin niya?” kuryosong tanong ni Shiloh.

“I’m a top, Shiloh,” pagmamayabang ko.

Namula siya sa simpleng sinabi ko.

“Kung susunggaban ka, huwag kang pumayag na ipailalim ka nila. Show them you’re in charge,” patuloy ko na ikinatango-tango niya.

Brent, who’s looking for something, suddenly showed up. Nang makita niya kaming dalawa ni Shiloh, umukit agad ang iritasyon niya.

“Bakit kayo nandito?” maangas niyang tanong.

“Nagpapahangin,” si Shiloh ang sumagot.

I smirked at Brent. When he looked at my lips, he looked so pissed that I could really see myself getting punches in his mind continuously.

“Hangin? Malamig sa loob. May aircon. Bakit hindi ka doon sa loob? Bakit dito?” agresibong sagot ni Brent, na kung pwedeng lumapit at damputin si Shiloh, gagawin niya.

“Eh gusto ko rito sa labas,” iritang sagot ni Shiloh.

“Pumasok kana.”

Shiloh stood and rolled his eyes while walking in. Humalukipkip si Brent at sinundan ito ng tingin habang tumatayo na rin ako, nakangising tinapik ang balikat ni Brent. This man is so obvious. Is he jealous of me? Really?

Gusto ko siyang asarin doon pero hinayaan ko nalang. Problemado na nga siya, ididiin ko pa ba?

I keep my mouth shut about Brent and Shiloh. Shiloh kept his mouth shut about the piece of information I shared with him too. But every time someone would approach me, he would curiously look at the boys, like they were the ones who railed me.

“’Yun ba?” he whispered and looked at Michael, my blockmate from the other subject.

“Kaso parang hindi ka naman kaya niyan,” agap niya nang makitang mas maangas pa akong tingnan kaysa kay Michael.

Inakbayan ko siya. “I’m kind of hungry. Let’s eat outside.”

Tumango si Shiloh at ganadong sumama sa akin. Brent is just so busy these days that you won’t even see him tailing behind Shiloh. Ganoon ka lala ang pag-iwas niya na hindi na bumubuntot at laging nasa nursing department para suyuin si Shila.

Shiloh seems okay with the set-up. I think Brent felt that Shiloh wanted it this way.

“Nursing din ’di ba ’yung pinopormahan mo?” tanong ni Shiloh nang umupo kami sa loob ng cafe pagkatapos mag-order.

“Yup. Friends noong pinopormahan ni Brent na nursing.”

He smiled a little and nodded. “Magaganda ang nursing.”

My eyes drifted to the students wearing our school’s ID who had just entered the cafe. Mabilis na nagtama ang tingin namin ni Rade habang napapadpad ang tingin ko sa kasama niyang babae. Whew. It’s Verena. The woman Brent is obsessed with.

Sinipat din ng tingin ni Rade ang kasama ko. His expression remained unreadable, but when he looked at me again, there’s that insulting mingling in his gaze that is very annoying.

Tumingin din si Verena sa table namin. I saw her eyeing Shiloh, who found her eyes, and he smiled at her, waving his hand. Verena smiled a little and nodded, then looked at me.

I saw him interact with Verena a bit. He was asking her, probably, what she wanted while taking his card out of his pocket to pay for it.

“Close ka ba sa circles ni Verena?” tanong ko kay Shiloh.

“Medyo.”

“How about that man with her?” pasimple kong tanong.

Tumingin si Shiloh saglit kay Rade. “Ah…si Rade. Oo medyo rin. Pero snob siya.”

Halata nga. I wanted to tell him that it was Rade whom I was talking about, but it amused me that Shiloh didn’t even suspect that it could be him.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya hindi naisip, o sadyang ganito ka linis ang reputasyon ni Rade at hindi mo pag-iisipang may tinatago tagong baho.

My orders were served. Shiloh is having a slice of cake and a strawberry frappe while I’m having juice and a sandwich.

Verena and Rade dined in. They both have books with them, and they seem to be discussing something school-related.

I glanced at Rade secretly. He never glances my way. Masyado siyang pokus sa pakikipag-usap kay Verena at hindi nalilingat o nababali ang atensyon.

Nagring ang phone ni Shiloh. Tiningnan ko ang screen at nakita ang pangalan ni Rick. Sinagot niya iyon habang tumitingin sa labas.

“Kasama ko si Mavric. Kumakain kami rito sa labas. Bakit?” Shiloh conversed.

I glanced at their table again. Rade purposely glanced my way. I tilted my head and smirked. If only I could show my middle finger to piss him off, I’d really do it. But he won’t be surprised by that. Unless I’ll shove it into him?

What am I thinking, seriously?

Ilang sandali lang, sumulpot na si Rick at pumapasok sa cafe.

“Natagalan ’yung isa kong subject. Nakakabanas ’yung prof ko sa major,” agad na iritang sabi ni Rick habang tumatabi kay Shiloh.

“Ayos lang. Nagyaya rin naman si Mav. Nanglibre siya,” ani Shiloh.

“Nasa’yo raw ang card ni Tyler? Pinapabili ka raw niya ng gusto mong regalo?” si Rick.

“Ah oo. Hindi niya pa kinukuha kasi hindi ko pa alam anong bibilhin ko.”

“Bumili ka ng PS4. Mahilig ka naman sa games. Hindi ’yon magrereklamo si Tyler eh malaki ang pera lagi sa bank account no’n.”

“Ang mahal no’n! Perfume lang naman ang iniisip kong bilhin…” si Shiloh.

“Anong perfume ba? Ako nalang ang bibili. Perfume lang naman pala.”

These two are close now? So Rick is comfortable with Shiloh?

“Himala at wala ka sa nursing department, Mav,” puna ni Rick nang makitang tinitingnan ko siya.

“Busy ’yung babae ko.”

“Busy o mailap?” Tukso niya at kinuha ang juice ko para uminom.

Tinawanan ko lang ang sinabi niya. Bumalik din naman ang atensyon niya kay Shiloh kaya pasimple akong lumingon ulit sa table nila Rade.

I saw him throw another glance at me. Mukhang sinasadya niya nang hulihin ang tingin ko. I took my eyes off him and looked at Shiloh, who’s offering his food to Rick.

Umiling si Rick habang nakaakbay sa inuupuan niya.

“Magkanin ka. Ano, oorder ako? Hindi ka mabubusog sa cake, Shiloh,” si Rick na nag-aamba pang tumayo at hinila lang ni Shiloh paupo.

“Huwag na. Ito na. Ayos na ’to.”

I ate my sandwich again while watching Rick’s bothered expression.

Noong matapos kami sa cafe at naubos rin ang kinain, nagyaya pa si Rick kay Shiloh sa isang malapit na kainan. Instead of tagging along with them, I decided to go back inside the school while I was heading to the library.

He pissed me off. So why would I show myself up there? To piss him off too?

I saw him sitting where I found him last week. Nagtungo ako roon na may dalang libro at sinubukang magbasa basa. I even put on my earphones and decided to listen to music so he would know that I didn’t really intend on talking to him.

He stood and took his books with him as he changed positions. Umangat ang kilay ko nang makitang doon na siya sa kabilang lamesa umupo.

So I brought my book and went to his side again, occupying it. Lumingon siya sa akin. Lumingon din ako sa kanya at ngumisi.

He took his eyes off me and concentrated on his books. I tried to concentrate on my books too while tapping my fingers on the side to vibe with the song in my earphones.

I noticed how he looked at my fingers tapping. So I use it and lick it a bit to flip to the next page.

My phone beeped, and it showed Chloe’s text. Tiningnan ko ang text niya.

Chloe:

Where are you?

Ako:

Library. Why?

Chloe:

Can you drive me home? I need to get something.

She’s inviting me to their house? Sumunod agad ang call, and it was so satisfying to see her name flashing through my screen while Rade saw it too.

I cockily answered the call and put it on the left side of my ear.

“Yes, Chloe?” I mentioned her name clearly.

“Are you busy?” she asked in a hurry.

“Not at all. I’m just killing some boredom. Why? May lakad ka?” I asked.

“Uuwi sana ako sa bahay. Pwedeng pasama?”

I laughed heartily. “Sa bahay niyo? Hmm…is your parents there? You’re finally introducing me? Thank God. I hope your brother is there too so I can hang out with him.”

“No. Walang tao sa bahay. May kukunin lang naman ako. At huwag mo ngang banggitin si Kuya! Baka bigla ’yung sumulpot.”

“Ah…walang tao…” I chuckled again. I think I won a lottery. “Even better, I guess?”

“Ihahatid mo ba ako o hindi?” she sounded pissed.

“I will. Wait for me in the parking lot. I’ll get you there.”

I ended the phone call and stood, looking at Rade.

“I think you might misunderstand it. Girls might show that sometimes they like you, such as by giving you things, but there will always be that one man they would prefer more…” I said meaningfully to tease him.

Tumayo ako habang suot ang mayabang na ngiting iyon. Coz I feel like I’ve been chosen. This is a big sign that she’s more into me than into him. So what if she gave him books, right?

I wanted to laugh at him and brag more about going into Chloe’s place, but then the call was so loud, and for sure he knew that she was inviting me into her place. Nagpapasipsip ka sa Kuya, well, I will go straight into her parents and get to know them. Baka kahit ang aso nila kukunin ko ang loob nang buong pamilya niya ang boto sa akin. Hah!

Chapter 6

Quits

Chloe is really unpredictable sometimes. She pushes and pulls. She gives signals, but she also sets boundaries. It’s been what? Almost three months of knowing her.

This is the longest persuasion and patience I give to a girl. Hindi naman sa desperado ako lagi sa babae, pero may usad naman sa iba at hindi ganito kabagal. Maybe because they always showed we both wanted to go deeper and try some things, until we ended up having problems.

But with Chloe, this girl is like water in a dessert you cannot easily have. Parang uhaw na uhaw kana at tanaw mong nasa malayo. Hindi mo alam kung may natitira ka pa bang lakas para gapangin dahil baka mamatay kana sa tuyo bago ka nakarating sa kanya.

“Where’s your parents?” tanong ko nang nasa front seat na siya.

Thank God Tyler’s car was easily accessible. Madali ang ganitong lakad dahil napapahiram ako.

“Wala si Dad sa bahay. Bukas pa siguro uuwi,” she said nonchalantly while busy with her phone.

“So…walang tao roon?” ulit ko, iniisip na baka kahit kasambahay meron.

“Wala. Nasa school din si kuya. Sobrang busy niya kasi at hindi ’yon madidisturbo.”

I nodded while imagining her ugly brother glaring at me and warningly pointing at me to not do anything with his sister. Gusto kong matawa lagi sa tuwing naiisip ko ang katawan at babalian pa ako ng leeg. Baka kamay niya ang mabali pag hinawakan niya ako.

We went into the subdivision until she ordered me to park the car near the red gate. Tahimik akong sumunod sa kanya habang binubuksan niya iyon gamit ang susi.

“Mavi!” tawag ni Chloe sa isang golden retriever na sumalubong sa amin.

Ah…this is the dog who likes kissing her. Lumingon pa si Chloe sa akin at bahagyang natawa, marahil ay naalala ang biro ko na sana ako nalang itong aso na ’to.

The dog was jumping so excitedly that he started running towards me too. I riffled its fur while he stood and put his paws on my left leg as he wagged his tail.

“Hello, Mavi,” I greeted.

I followed Chloe inside while the dog was tailing me behind, showing its tongue and continuously wagging its tail, begging to be petted.

“Mavi… here…” si Chloe na tinawag iyon sa kusina.

The dog ran to where she was. Namulsa ako at iginala ang tingin sa malaking bahay. I could really tell they’re living a luxurious life just by looking at the interior designs.

“May kukunin lang ako sa taas. Hintayin mo lang ako rito,” aniya habang nagmamadali nang umakyat sa hagdan.

Tumango ako at umupo sa sofa. ’Yung aso naman ay nasa kusina na, mukhang ayaw nang lumabas at kumakain siguro.

I looked at the screen of my phone to at least kill some time while waiting for her. Nag online ako sa Instagram at nakita ang story ni Tyler kasama si Ronan. Ngumisi ako nang makitang sumasayaw ang dalawa sa isang app at gumigiling.

I also watched Brent’s story, which was just a basketball practice of him on the court. He’s still pursuing Shila. I wonder how many days this fucker will last. Himala nalang kung aabot ng isang buwan ang pagtitimpi nito.

Bored while waiting for Chloe, I took a photo of myself and put it on my story. Ilang sandali lang, nagreply agad sila Tyler.

Tyler:

’Yan ba ’yung sofa sa Ermita?

Mavric:

Suking suki kana ba sa inn na ’yon Tyler?

Tyler:

Dude, I like their bed there. It’s soft. Kaso badtrip. Last time I’ve done it, may nakathreesome akong ipis! Sumali sa amin!

Pababa na si Chloe nang makita niyang natatawa ako sa chat ni Tyler. I glanced at her and saw her change her clothes into Nike shorts and a black sando. Oh boy…

I immediately turned off my phone and slipped it into my pocket to concentrate on her. The legs…

“Sino ’yon?” she asked curiously and sat next to me.

“Huh?” I asked, a bit confused while my eyes were now grazing down her chest unconsciously.

She leaned closer and tried to search for my phone.

“Patingin. Sino ’yon?”

I smelled her scent. I’ve never been alone with her. Lagi kaming nasa school dalawa, o nasa labas para kumain. Ngayon lang yata kami nasa ganitong lugar na walang tao at kami lang.

“Wala. What did you get?” I asked and looked at her empty hand.

“Wala? Eh may hiningan ka raw na number eh.” She arched her brow and looked at me suspiciously.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Who?”

“Ewan ko. Kaya nga patingin ako sa phone mo. Kasi for sure, you’re now texting her.”

What? Kailan ko pa naging babae si Tyler?

Umiling ako at natawa. “Wala. I’m just talking with my friend.”

She leered at me. My eyes drifted to the valley of her breast, which I could only slightly see. Ngumuso ako at nangingiti siyang tiningnan. Man…she’s so hot.

“Friend, huh? Si Brent na kabi-kabila ang babae, imposibleng wala ka rin. So pang-ilan ako?”

I barked a laugh. Seriously, we’re really gonna talk about it right now when my mind is clouded by the sight of her rack, huh?

“Seryoso ako sa’yo ngayon,” I said, leaning closer to give her some hints at least.

She watched me closely without pushing me.

“Seryoso? Eh may hiningan ka ng number. May nakakita sa’yo.”

Umangat lamang ang kilay ko. My eyes were now on her lips. I can’t take her words seriously now that I only want my lips on hers. And my hand was on her chest.

“Ang playboy mo,” she added to her words.

I smiled and tilted my head, looking at her in the eyes to see if she wanted it. When she noticed how near I was to her, she slightly blushed.

My hand slipped in the side of her waist, slightly pulling it. When her lips parted, I brushed my lips against her to kiss her.

She slightly gasped. I smiled against her lips when I realized that she wanted it and liked it.

I don’t need more of the talking she was trying to push on me. I’m not interested in them. What I want right now is this. Her lips on mine.

Sunod sunod ang halikan namin. She was now leaning against the headboard of the sofa while my hand was crawling in her thin sando, slipping my hand into her stomach.

“Where’s your room?” tanong ko, gusto siyang dalhin doon lalo na’t parang hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko kung dito sa sala.

Umiling siya ngunit kumakapit na ang kamay sa batok ko. I smiled against her lips.

“I’ve got condoms…” I whispered more.

“Nagdala ka? Just because I invited you here? Really, playboy?” she hissed and looked at me sharply.

I laughed. “I always have it in my pocket. Why? What are we gonna do here anyway? Hmm?” My hand slightly rubbed the skin of her stomach.

She shivered and closed her legs while her eyes were turning soft, almost pleading. I leaned closer and kissed her again while my hand crawled into her chest.

I was so into it. It’s been months without doing it. My body was in pure heat, and I could feel myself tightening as I squeezed her chest and kissed her deeply.

Fuck. Where’s her fucking room? Are we gonna do it here?

Her dog suddenly stood up and ran. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko, may nakita akong pumasok. I was too far gone to even check if I’m seeing a human or just a shadow playing tricks in my eyes as I continued fondling her chest and kissing her while we could hear the excitement of his dog.

“Oh my god!” Chloe shouted when she glanced at the side.

Noong lumingon ako, nakita ko ang pamilyar na tindig ni Rade, nakatingin sa amin, sa kamay kong nasa loob ng dibdib ni Chloe, at sa uhaw kong ekspresyon.

I was slightly confused as to why he barged in like he owns the place. But when Chloe pushed me as she stood with a panicked expression, my confusion grew even wider.

“W-Why are you here?” she asked as she walked toward him.

Kumunot ang noo ko. What’s this? Am I being played? Kaya ba mailap kasi…sila? At kaya ba galit ang titig sa akin ni Rade dahil…tingin niya kabit ako ng girlfriend niya?

Am I the side boy all along? No. I slept with Rade. And I am making out with Chloe. Kung ganoon…ano ’to? Ako ang tagong lalake ni Chloe tapos ako rin ang tagong lalake ni Rade? What? What the fuck?

“Go upstairs,” he said warningly while taking his eyeglasses out of him.

Umangat ang kilay ko. He’s gonna punch me? Does he even know that I don’t have any idea he’s her boyfriend?

“Please no. This is a misunderstanding. You can’t hurt him—”

“Upstairs, Chloe,” he cut her off and brushed his hair backwards, showing completely how intense his eyes were at the moment.

Pinisil ko ang pang-ibaba kong labi habang pinapanood ang masigla nilang aso na sa akin naman tumakbo at gusto pa yatang makipaglaro. Papatayin na ako rito tapos makikipaglaro ka pa sa akin!

“We aren’t doing anything! I just told him to drive me here! B-Busy ka kasi!” Chloe explained carefully.

I laughed a bit. We aren’t doing anything? Really, Chloe? I was just fondling your chest earlier, and now you are denying me? Ah…this is so offending. Why do I want to crush what’s between them because these two seem to be playing with me?

Kabit ba ako ng dalawang ’to? Am I their what, dirty secret? They both cheated behind each other’s backs with me? Ako ginawang kabit? Ako?

“May hinahanap lang ako sa dibdib niya, dude. Sa dibdib ng girlfriend mo?” I smirked playfully and tilted my head, wanting to fuel their anger for making a fool out of me.

Chloe’s eyes widened. “What?!”

“Tell him the truth. You’ve been seeing me for a while now. I’ve been pursuing you for months now. He should know what’s between us,” I urged.

“Nahihibang kana ba Mavric?!” she shouted.

I only laughed about it. Seriously, I’ve been pursuing her nonstop like a fucking dog. This offends me to the highest level. Boyfriend niya pala ang Rade na ’to?

“I told you countless times he’s a jerk, and you really clicked on his bait?” si Rade.

Lumingon si Chloe sa kanya, pulang pula. I only arched my brow.

“Coming from you, huh? You should tell her who’s dirtier here, you know,” diin ko.

Kumunot ang noo ni Chloe at ako muli ang tiningnan. “What do you mean?”

“Your boyfriend isn’t as saint as you think. Well, ask him what he’s been doing during the summer.” I provoked.

“My god, Mavric! He’s not my boyfriend! He’s my brother! Ano bang sinasabi mo?!” She shouted desperately.

The humor in my smile slowly vanished. Chloe looked so pissed, while I looked like I’d seen a ghost now.

“Brother?” I asked, bewildered.

“Oo! Si Kuya! Kuya ko siya! Rade Archiel Tejano! We’re siblings!”

Oh…what the hell. Kung ganoon…sino ’yung mukhang tuko na umaaligid din sa kanya lagi?

“Upstairs, Chloe.” He warned her again.

Natatarantang tumingin si Chloe sa kanya, nagmamakaawa. I stood there dumbfounded while their dog was still jumping at me, wagging its tail while smiling and coaxing me to play with him.

Kapatid niya si Rade? Nagyabang ako sa kapatid niya? And it was her brother who…oh what the fucking fuck.

Gago?!

“Kuya please…” she pleaded.

When Chloe didn’t listen, he walked past her while adjusting the sleeves of his shirt and rolling it till his elbows. Uh-oh… I’ll get the beating. I could really sense it coming. At hindi pa nga ako nasusuntok, parang nauna na akong hampasin ng kahihiyan at gusto ko nalang maglaho agad na parang bula!

“Kuya!” she panicked.

The next thing I knew, he had already grabbed me forcefully by the neckline of my shirt and dragged me out.

“Kuya! Oh my god!” Chloe shouted.

I groaned when he was so aggressive, dragging me until we went out of the door. He closed it to stop his sister from tailing us and pushed me against it.

I groaned while closing my eyes. I could vividly remember how he roughly handled me that night. And Jesus! I felt like he would fuck me right there and then when I knew he would beat the shit out of me right now!

“You really got the guts you bastard,” he said angrily.

Before I knew it, I was already on the ground when his knuckles landed on my jaw. I groaned and coughed a bit while my elbows rested on the ground, balancing myself from lying there completely.

He walked toward me, grabbed the neckline of my shirt again to pull me up, and banged me against the wall. Umukit ang sakit sa mukha ko ngunit sumilay pa rin ang pilyong ngiti sa labi ko lalo na’t iba ang naaalala ko. O siguro nga nababaliw na ako sa nangyayari at kahit bugbugin niya ako rito ngayon, nakangiti pa rin ako.

“Don’t even go near her again,” he said warningly.

“Or else what? You’ll shove your dick in my ass again?” I chuckled.

I’ve seen how his eyes intensified again. But instead of looking so pissed, his lips gave me a smirk.

“Ah…is that the reason why you can’t take your eyes off me lately? A dog in heat, huh?” he mocked.

Ngumuso ako at natawa. But then I groaned when he gripped my throat, like he would crush it if I didn’t stop toying with him. I think he hates it so much when I would just laugh or smirk in the middle of his anger.

“Aw…” daing ko, pumipikit pikit ngunit sinikap pa ring ngumisi sa kabila ng matinding kahihiyang dinadanas ko.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” Marahas niya akong itinulak at bumundol pa ako sa kanilang gate.

Gusto kong makipagsuntukan kaso dehado ako rito. Anong ipaglalaban ko, ang kahihiyan ko? At kapatid pa ni Chloe!

I clicked my neck and realized the mess he had done to me. The button on my shirt just snapped. My hair was messy. Kung babalik ako sa school na ganito, iisipin talaga nila Tyler na galing ako sa bakbakan dahil sa ayos ko.

Tumingin ako sa malaking bintana at nakita roon si Chloe na alalang alala. Sumenyas siyang umalis na ako habang sa gilid niya ay ang dumidilang aso nila na nanonood rin at nakangiti pa sa akin.

This is ridiculous. Ano bang nangyayari sa taong ito at puro kamalasan ang napapasukan ko?

At ang masaklap dito, ang inaangas-angasan ko, niyabang-yabangan, ay walang iba kundi ang kapatid ng pinopormahan ko!

“Gago? Anong nangyari?!” si Tyler, namimilog ang mga mata nang makita ang ayos ko, alalang alala ang tingin.

“Dude I’m fine—”

My words stopped when he ran past me and checked on his car.

“Ayos lang ba ang kotse ko?” he asked worriedly while looking for some scratches.

Namaywang ako at umismid. Kung nadisgrasya ako, nabangga, baka kahit mabuhay ako, tutuluyan niya ako dahil sa kotse niya.

“Anong nangyari diyan sa labi mo?” tanong niya nang makumpirmang ayos lang ang kotse niya.

I shrugged.

“Dude, that’s why I like in Ermita. Para kang mapapasabak sa gyera dahil ang lambot ng kama nila,” he teased.

Ginalaw ko ang aking braso at dumaing nang kumirot iyon. Natawa si Tyler at inakbayan ako, malawak ang ngisi at tila ba alam niya ang napagdaanan ko sa sinasabi niyang Ermita dahil lang sa sofa na iyon.

“Dalawang oras kang nawala ah? Ano? Kayo na?”

“Sino nga ’yung taga Ateneo?” tanong ko nang maalala iyong babaeng gusto niyang ipakilala sa akin at tinanggihan ko lang. That girl is hot.

“Ano ka si Brent? Mabilis mawalan ng gana?” tanong niya habang nilalabas na ang phone niya.

“Sasabit ako sa kapatid.” I shrugged. “Akin na ang number. Kikilalanin ko.”

Tyler’s attention went back to his phone as he browsed for its name on his contact list and sent the number of the woman.

Badtrip. Ilang buwan kong pinagtiisan si Chloe tapos kapatid pala ng Rade na ’yon? Sure. I could piss him off by using his sister. But then, I am not that asshole enough to use his sister as a weapon here. Gustong gusto ko ’yon tapos ibabala ko lang sa kanyon para gyerahin ang kapatid niya?

And Chloe seems more invested in making a good impression on her brother than in introducing me. She clearly denied me. She doesn’t like the idea of involving herself with me because her brother doesn’t approve of me.

Chloe:

I’m sorry.

I slowly realized what was happening. If Rade was his brother, then who’s that ugly stick who’s visiting her?

Mavric:

I understand. Let’s stop.

Chloe:

Matatanggap ka ni kuya kung nag-iba ka ng circles.

Oh yeah? I think my circles aren’t the problem here, Chloe. Your brother fucked me. Your brother has issues with me.

Gusto ko iyong sabihin sa kanya nang matigil tigil siya kakadiin kina Brent na sila ang may problema rito kaya hindi kami nagwowork-out. But it’s futile. Ayoko ng mahaba-habang drama rito.

Mavric:

I love my circles really hahahaha

Chloe:

See? That’s your problem, Mav. Tama rin si Kuya Rade. You’re a jerk. You got someone else’s number while pursuing me. Your friends are notorious playboys. Paano ka pagkakatiwalaan ng kapatid ko? Paano kita pagkakatiwalaan?

I already explained that it was Tyler. If she’s not buying it, then it’s not my fault anymore. At isa pa, kinikilala namin ang isa’t isa. She only gives me her time when she wants to. She only entertains me when she wants to. It’s been what, months? Kahit ang ipakilala ako sa kapatid niya, ayaw niya. I wanted some formality to at least give her the assurance she wanted, but she always jumps to conclusions and puts me in the gutter. What am I supposed to do then? Drop off my circles? Put a leash on my throat that says Chloe’s property? Tejanos and their fondness of dogs, huh?

I called it quits. That’s it. Though it was such a waste to give her up, I really don’t like the way she handles things.

Chapter 7

Lonely

Dad:

I sent one thousand dollars to your bank account for your school expenses, Maverick.

Riri sent me a voice message that says ‘Kuya I miss daddy and you’ followed by a sad emoji.

Mom:

Uuwi ka ba this September, Mavric?

“I think your family misses you…” ang boses ni Alessa sa aking gilid nang mahuling tinitingnan ko ang mga natanggap na messages.

I turned my phone off and pulled myself out of bed. Nanatili siya sa kama habang nakabalot ng puting kumot ang hubad na katawan.

“Hindi ka ba close sa kanila?” she asked.

“I should go. I still have my classes,” sabi ko, hindi na masyadong nagbigay ng interes sa tanong niya.

Tumango siya at maingat ang tingin sa akin. After what happened between me and Chloe, I decided to get myself a fuck buddy again. This is the third time we’ve seen each other, but I still feel the same way.

Hindi ko alam kung anong problema. At first, I thought I was just pent up for not being laid off for months while pursuing Chloe, but this is the third time, and I was having a problem again.

When was the last time I was so pleasured while having sex? This is my only distraction when things are too hectic, and yet I was having a hard time finding a pleasure out of it.

“This is the last time?” tanong ni Alessa habang pinapanood akong nagbibihis.

I leaned closer and gave her a kiss. “I had fun.”

She laughed a little. “Fun? When you seem distracted all the time?”

She sounded pissed. Maybe because she was having a hard time turning me on as well. Clearly, I have a problem here. Or maybe it was really because…

“Oo nga pala, Mav. Hindi ba’t pinopormahan mo si Chloe?” tanong ni Ron nang dumeritso na ako sa court para magpapawis sa ibang paraan.

Sa malapit lang na hotel ako nakipagkita kay Alessa. Siya ang nagyaya this time. I went for it because I wanted to see if I’d be able to fuel myself, but then it happened. Again.

“Hindi na, bakit?” tanong ko.

Nagkamot siya ng batok. “Dude, ’yung pinopormahan ko crush na crush ang kapatid niya. Ilang kapatid ba meron ’to?”

“Isa lang. Lalake.”

“Crush na crush, bro! Guwapo ba ’yon? Engineering ’di ba? ’Yung Tejano?”

I shrugged. I don’t want to talk about him seriously.

“Natakot si Mavric doon kaya hindi niya na pinopormahan si Chloe,” asar ni Tyler at itinuko ang kamay sa balikat ni Ron.

“Malaki nga ang katawan no’n kasi six-footer din. Ano bang sports no’n?” si Ron na mukhang may ideya sa kapatid ni Chloe.

I remembered his physique. He could even flip me like I was just a pillow. And other than that…he’s quite strong. Hindi naman pang wrestler ang katawan no’n lalo na kung nakadamit. Pero pag naghubad…

“Boxing siguro? Nabugbog yata ’yang isa diyan,” natatawang asar ni Tyler.

Ngumisi lamang ako habang iba na ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. The beating and the fucking both gave me pain and…well pleasure?

“Masyado ka kasing seryoso sa babae,” pangaral ni Tyler. “Gayahin mo kami! You know girls nowadays. They wanted a perfect man for themselves. Parang ’yung kahit umulan bumagyo bumaha at lumindol nasa kanila ang atensyon mo.”

Humalakhak kami ni Ron.

“Gusto nila ’yung parang asong ulol na ulol sa kanila. Walang friends. Walang bisyo. Walang pinapansing babae. Sa kanila lang dapat obsessed,” Tyler continued ranting.

“At bad boy, Tyler,” dagdag ni Ron.

“Oo isa pa ’yan. Tang inang standard. Turn-on pala sa girls ang bad boy? Mabenta pala si Rick pag seryoso ’yon lagi.”

Rick was the most serious-looking when he wasn’t smiling. Maangas pa lagi ang tindig.

“’Yung kuya ni Chloe, mala bad boy.  Kaya crush crush ni Blanche,” balik ni Ron sa kapatid ni Chloe.

Isinandal ko ang mga kamay sa likod na bleachers, ayaw nang magbigay ng opinyon.

“I have a slim chance with this girl. Kaso nakaka turn-off din. Ang sarap nang i-ghost,” patuloy ni Ron na umupo sa bench at ginawang pamaypay ang dulo ng kanyang jersey sa kanyang tiyan.

“Ron, they say, there’s a lot of fish in the sea. You’re a fisherman. The girls are the fish. So fish as many as you can. We don’t settle for Nemo, who likes to be found.” Sabay tuko ni Tyler sa braso niya sa balikat ni Ron.

“And you are not just the fisherman in the sea, Tyler. Maraming isda, pero marami ring mangingisda. May mas magaling,” si Ron.

“O edi pagalingan! I got the moves! Mabilis din ang kamay ko. Most of all, I could dive deep!” Angat niya sa dalawa niyang kilay at mas lumalawak na ang ngisi.

Tumawa kami ni Ron nang mabasa agad ang tinutukoy niya.

“I don’t compete, Tyler. Ano ’yan, nililigawan ko para makipagbanggaan sa mga lalake niya?” si Ron na kita ang angas sa pagkakasabi.

My embarrassment slowly crawled out of the darkness again. Sinong lalake na niyabangan ang kapatid ng pinopormahan niya? This will go in history for being dumb and how to die early.

“’Yung lalake na nakikipagkompetensya sa’yo ang landiin mo para maiba!” biro ni Tyler kaya humagalpak agad kami ni Ron at pinagbabato sa kanya ang mineral water.

“Natuluyan kana ba kaka chat kay Kael, Tyler?” tukso ko.

Humalakhak siya. “It’s fun, really. I can’t believe boys like him are so corny in text. Gago siya. In love na in love sa poser!”

Our topic continued until my phone kept on ringing. It was Riri. Nagsitinginan pa ang dalawa para tingnan kung sino na naman ang bago kong babae. But when they saw Riri’s photo, they both ignored it.

I stood and picked up the call.

“Hmm?” I scratched my neck.

“Kuya…” malambing niyang tawag.

“Ano?” I answered gently.

“Nasira ang phone ko!” she whined.

“Ask for mommy’s money, Riri. Tell her nasira ang phone mo.”

“Mommy is busy. She didn’t go home last night too.”

Bumuntonghininga ako at nahipo ang ulo.

“Kuya…” malambing niyang tawag ulit.

“Hmm?”

“Come home…” halos paos ang kanyang tinig at paiyak na.

Pinisil ko ang labi. “How about tomorrow?”

“Right now…” she demanded.

Inisip ko agad ang mga gagawin ko. May plates lang naman akong tatapusin sa isang subject. Kung hihiramin ko ulit ang kotse ni Tyler, mga mahigit tatlong oras nandoon na siguro ako depende na rin kung traffic.

I looked at my wrist watch. It’s still three.

“Kuya…” she called impatiently.

“Alright. I’ll come home. Where’s Jester?”

“He’s busy on his iPad!” pagalit niyang sabi, tinutukoy ang lalakeng kapatid. “I want you. Come home…”

Sa huli, wala akong nagawa kundi pagbigyan ang kapatid ko. I borrowed Tyler’s car again. May dala namang kotse si Brent. Pwede siyang makisabay muna doon. I can’t borrow Brent’s car.

I called mom while I was on my way to Batangas. Natagalan niya iyong sagutin.

“Mavric?” she asked, a bit shocked that I called.

“I’m going home, mom. Hindi ka raw ulit umuwi sabi ni Riri.”

She sighed. “I got a business trip. Nandoon naman si Lala. Bakit. Ano bang sumbong ng kapatid mo? Namimiss ka siguro.”

“Umiiyak. Nasira yata ang phone niya.”

“Paanong hindi masisira eh binabato niya. Sige at baka mapasuyo ko kay Lala na bilhan niya muna ng android.”

“I’ll give my phone to her, mom. Huwag kanang gumastos. Ako na.”

“You’re loaded, Mav. You have your school expenses!”

“Dad sent me money just recently,” I murmured.

“Oh…” medyo nag-iba ang tono ng boses niya. “Nag-uusap ba kayo?”

“Hindi naman. Nagtext lang siya. I haven’t replied yet, but I might tell him I’ll buy a new phone.”

Natahimik si Mommy. I could sense she had nothing to say about dad.

“I’ll hang up now.”

“Alright. Take care. Pakisabi kay Lala na uuwi na ako mamayang gabi.”

“Okay.”

I turned the call off and sighed. I hope she’s fine. Alam ko naman na mahirap ang pinagdadaanan nila ni Dad. But I’m not really good at comforting someone. I don’t know how to use words that would calm them down. I am not affectionate with words.

I grew up having a distant relationship with my parents. Bukod sa busy din sila sa trabaho, lumaki akong hindi gaano nararanasan ang bonding sa pamilya. My parents treat things like their own problems have nothing to do with the kids. They don’t show their emotions to us. They don’t explain things. It was like having a family with no emotion at all. You can communicate some normal things, but those emotional ones were just too hard to share.

It was hard to reach out when you didn’t know what to say. Or when it was your parents who didn’t really talk at all.

“Kuya Mavric!” Halos takbuhin ni Riri ang distansya pagpasok ko sa bahay.

Nangingiti akong yumuko at kinarga siya. She hugged my nape tightly and buried her face against my neck.

I laughed and kissed the side of her head. “Let’s go buy some ice cream?”

Tumango siya ng tahimik. Ibinaba ko siya saka siya humawak sa dulo ng aking t-shirt at bumuntot sa akin habang umaakyat ako para tingnan pa ang isang kapatid.

“Jester.” I knocked on the door.

Lumingon lamang si Jester, nakakulob sa kanyang kama at abala sa iPad. When he realized that it was just me, he took his attention back to his iPad.

“Jest…mag i-ice cream kami,” pagmamayabang ni Riri.

“Para maubos lalo ang ngipin mo,” Jester answered nonchalantly.

“Hindi ka namin isasama! Kainin mo ’yang iPad mo!” she shouted and closed the door. “Let’s go Kuya Mavric.”

Bumaba rin naman kami ni Riri. Naroon si Lala sa kusina, abala sa paglilinis. Sinabi ko sa kanya na uuwi na si mommy na ikinatango niya at ikinangiti.

“Riri! Magpalit ka muna ng damit! Teka at kakatukin ko rin si Jester! Ang hirap kasi noong ihiwalay sa iPad niya!” si Lala na kinuha na ang kamay ni Riri at dinala sa itaas ng bahay.

Iginala ko ang tingin sa bahay namin at tiningnan ang picture frames ng pamilya namin. It’s the only warmth you could feel when you looked at the photos on the walls. But our house doesn’t feel like a house at all. It was scarier than a haunted house because you couldn’t feel anything at all. Kahit multo yata hindi magpaparamdam dito.

It was already six when I took Riri out for some ice cream. Madali lang naman siyang aliwin. She just needed your little time. Kahit five minutes lang, matutuwa na siya. You could really tell that the kids yearn for time more than material things when they’re content, as long as you’re giving them your attention.

My other sibling, Jester, was the lazy type. It’s his iPad over anyone else. Papayag ’yan na magmukmok buong araw sa kuwarto basta naglalaro lang siya.

“Kuya. Is it true?” tanong niya habang tahimik ko siyang pinapanood kumain ng ice cream.

“Ang alin?”

“Dad is not coming home anymore?”

I paused for a while. She looked confused.

“He won’t come home for Christmas too? But he comes home during Christmas and the New Year.”

“He’s busy.”

“All the time.” Tumango tango siya. “But there is no work during Christmas and New Year. Why won’t he come home?”

I scratched my nape. I really don’t know how to explain things well.

“Do you like the flavor?” liko ko ng topic.

Mabilis siyang nadistract at dinilaan ang gilid lalo na’t tumutulo na iyon. I took the tissues off the table and wiped her cheek.

“Kuya. I broke my phone.”

Kinuha ko ang aking phone. “Here. I’ll let you have this for a week.”

Her face lightened. Wala naman akong ka text. Alessa won’t contact me anymore, for sure. I just logged out of all of my accounts. Kung may tatawag dito, sila Tyler lang. Ang nasa contacts ko, mga kaibigan lang din.

Noong sinabi ni mommy na binabato niya ang phone niya, talagang wasak ang screen. Hindi na magagamit. She’s more careful when it’s my things. It’s like she was afraid that someone would get mad at her; that’s why she would always be extra careful with the other things she didn’t own.

I lent her my phone for a week. Sa halip na bumili ako ng bago, siya nalang ang binilhan ko.

“Dude si Riri ’di ba ang may hawak sa phone mo?” tanong ni Tyler nang mag-inuman kami sa bahay nila Con.

“Oo bakit?”

“Ang cute kausap sa call! Dumadaldal! Hindi ka raw umuuwi! Sinabi ko busy ka sa girlfriend mo rito sa manila.”

“Gago ka.” Tinapon ko sa kanya ang soft pillow na nadampot habang natatawa siyang umupo sa gilid ni Brent na tulala.

“Tumawag nga rin ’yon sa akin. Nagtanong kung ano daw ang ulam ko,” si Con na bahagya ring natawa.

“Gusto ko sanang paiyakin. Kaso ang lambing ng kapatid mo. Nagtanong pa kung kumain na daw ba ako. Kung kumusta daw ang araw ko. Tapos saktong alas singko ng umaga, tumawag! Naunahan niya pa ang alarm clock ko.”

Nailing ako at napangiti. She’s having fun with my phone.

“Tawagan mo minsan, dude. Parang ang lonely. Tatlong araw na siyang tumatawag. Nagg-good morning pa. Wala ba ’yung kausap sa bahay niyo?” medyo nagseseryoso na sabi ni Tyler.

“Meron naman. ’Yung isa ko kasing kapatid, puro iPad. Ayaw makipaglaro kay Riri.”

“Eh parents mo? Busy pa rin lagi?”

Tumango ako at dinampot ang beer sa table. Con and Rick looked interested in the topic too.

“Ano bang trabaho ng dad mo?” biglang tanong ni Con.

“Engineer.”

“Oh? Sa ibang bansa?” si Ron na halatang wala ring ideya sa buhay ko.

Tumango ako at medyo nababagot na. I wanted to distract it so badly, but I don’t want to make it appear obvious. That’s why, when Shiloh walked toward us with some snacks on his hands and they looked at him, I knew the topic would shift right away.

“Shiloh. Ibibigay ko ba ’yung number mo kay Jane? Nangungulit eh,” I said, just to shift the topic and get everyone’s attention away from my own life.

Brent’s brows knitted. “Bakit mo ibibigay?”

“May nanghihingi nga rin noong nakaraan. Number daw ni Shiloh. Lalake pa. Akala niya siguro bakla si Shiloh. Bubugbugin ko sana buti at nakapagpigil ako,” si Tyler na

“Binugbog mo sana,” si Brent sa maangas na tinig.

“Sino ba ’yan? Ako na ang bubugbog,” si Rick.

“Ang aangas niyo ah? Nanghingi lang ng number ni Shiloh…Tara Rick. Ako hahawak tapos ikaw bumugbog,” si Con na nag-iba agad ang tono ng tinig.

“Huwag kayong ganyan! Bakit niyo susuntukin? Masama ’yan pag hindi niyo ako isasama!” gatong ni Ron.

I laughed at the crazy topic. Doon na umikot kay Shiloh at mahirap nang iliko dahil interesado rin ang lahat na pag-usapan siya.

Noong Linggo, bago ang exam at ang birthday party na pinaplano ni Angela para sa birthday niya, umuwi ako sa Batangas para ibigay kay Riri ang binili kong phone para sa kanya at kunin ang phone ko.

I checked the call history right away. Nakita ko roon ang pangalan ni Tyler. My sister was calling him continuously. Kahit si Shiloh natawagan niya rin. Inisa isa yata ni Riri ang mga nasa messages ko at pinagtatawagan.

“Here, Kuya!” May ibinigay siyang papel sa akin.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang drawing niya iyon gamit ang crayons. It’s strawberries in a bowl, or…what’s this?

“Ano ’to?”

“That’s for my friend. Taga Manila siya. I told him to meet you up. His name is Arki.”

Arki? Kailan pa naging Arki si Tyler?

Tiningnan ko ang itaas at may Arki nga na pangalan. She wrote it with her crayons messily. Halos baliktad pa ang k.

“Send me a photo of him holding it, okay?”

Ano bang mga pinagsasabi ni Tyler sa kanya?

“You mean Tyler?” sabi ko.

Umiling siya. “Kuya Tyler is mean. He told me you are busy with your boyfriend.”

Gago?

“Sabi niya…uh…you prefer your boyfriend more than your girlfriend. And you have more time with your boyfriend.”

Tang ina?

“And he told me you also sleep at your boyfriend’s house. You drink with him. You also take a bath together.”

Hayop na Tyler!

Natulala ako ng ilang sigundo habang iniisip kung paano ko papatayin si Tyler pagbalik ko ng Manila. Ibabangga ko talaga ang kotse niya. Kung pwedeng gasgasan ko ng malaki gagawin ko dahil sa mga pinagsasabi niya sa kapatid ko.

But then, maybe it was just a misunderstanding. Madaldal ang kapatid ko. He maybe took his time explaining things, and Riri misunderstood it.

But…who’s Arki, seriously?

Si Shiloh? Si Connor? Ano nga ulit ang mga second name nila? Baka naman nickname?

“Arki is a girl?” I assumed.

Umiling siya. “No. He’s a boy. He has the same work with Daddy. And he has a dog. He promised me he would give me a puppy if his dog got puppies.”

Sino bang may aso sa mga kaibigan ko? Imposible namang si Brent? At parehas ng trabaho kay Dad? What the hell? May kaibigan ba akong kaedad na ni Dad? Baka si Tyler talaga ’to at pinaglalaruan lang ang kapatid ko.

“I told Arki you are busy with your boyfriend that’s why you don’t come home often.”

Nasira ang ekspresyon ko. Ano ’to? Pag-uwi ko sa Maynila bakla na ako? May boyfriend pa?

“But he told me he would meet you up so he would get my drawing! That’s my birthday gift to him, Kuya!”

I think Tyler is really right. She’s lonely. Baka imaginary friend niya ’to?

“Tyler is just messing up with you. He’s joking, Riri,” sabi ko nang hindi niya seryosohin ang sinasabi ng gagong ’yon.

“I am Kuya Tyler’s alarm clock. He told me I should call him when I wake up…”

She knows Tyler. Which means…

“Hindi si Arki si Tyler?” kumpirma ko.

Umiling si Riri. “Kuya Tyler is bobo. He taught me that one plus one equals a window. I don’t wanna talk to him anymore.”

Chapter 8

Talk

“What?” Humagalpak si Tyler sa call nang usisain ko siya tungkol sa pinagsasabi ni Riri.

“Ibabangga ko itong kotse mo. What the fuck, dude? Anong boyfriend?”

“Are you driving? Calm down, Mav! At anong boyfriend?” He laughed hysterically.

“Sinabi ni Riri na sinabihan mo raw siya na mas busy ako sa boyfriend kaysa sa girlfriend ko.”

“Oh… Totoo naman talaga. You were with us the whole time. Mas busy ka sa amin. At ano bang tagalog ng kaibigang lalake? Edi boyfriend!”

I knew it. Riri misunderstood it. Or she doesn’t think a boyfriend means a lover? Maybe she was thinking about it literally. Ano bang alam ng kapatid ko sa boyfriend at girlfriend?

“English speaking si Riri, dude. S’yempre nag English din ako. Para saan pa ang pagiging US citizen ko kung hindi ko pinatulan ang ingles niya?”

Oo nga pala. May green card ang isang ’to. Silang dalawa ni Brent.

“How’s my car, by the way? Pagod na pagod na ’yan. You’ve been riding it all day. Ginawa mo namang babae mo. Baka pag ako na sumakay diyan parang ikaw na rin ang sinakyan ko.”

“Fuck you!” Humalakhak ako.

“Punuin mo ’yan ng gas bago mo isauli sa akin.”

“Do we have a friend named Arki, Tyler? Like second name?” bigla kong tanong nang maalala iyon.

“I don’t know. Wala naman. Baka si Shiloh.”

I was suspecting it too. Si Shiloh lang naman ang bago sa grupo namin. Maybe he’s Shiloh Arki?

“Ano bang pangalan ni Shiloh?” tanong ko.

“I don’t know. Shiloh?”

“Shiloh lang? Apelyido wala?”

“Oo nga ’no? Baka Shiloh Arki?”

Hmm maybe. “Ibababa ko na. Tatawagan ko si Shiloh.”

“Dude, drive safely! I don’t care kung mag-isa kang mababangga! Lumabas ka sa kotse ko! Huwag mong gasgasan ’yan!” he warned aggressively.

I ended the call and called Shiloh this time.

“Riri?” he called softly, expecting it to be my sister.

“So she’s really calling you?” I sighed problematically.

“Oh? Ikaw na ba ’to, Mav? Oo. Tumatawag siya.”

“Like what? What did she tell you about?”

“Mga random lang. Kumusta daw ang araw ko. Nakikipagkwentuhan lang naman siya. At kung ano daw…” He paused for a while.

“Ano?” Tiningnan ko ang rearview mirror para icheck kung may kotse ba sa likod habang nagsisignal ako na lilipat sa kabilang daan.

“Ano. Kung may boyfriend din daw ba ako. Kasi may boyfriend daw ang kuya niya.” He chuckled.

I groaned. “Papatayin ko talaga itong si Tyler.”

Shiloh giggled cutely. “Ang cute ng kapatid mo. Mahilig pala siya sa strawberries?”

“Sinabi niya?”

“Oo. Sabi ko nga may strawberry farm kami.”

I think Riri is talking about Shiloh. Para sa kanya siguro ’yung drawing.

“So you’re Arki. She drew a strawberry in a bowl for you.”

“Huh? Arki?” He sounded confused.

Tumingin akong muli sa rearview mirror saka ibinalik sa dashboard lalo na’t nakaconnect lang sa Bluetooth ang tawag.

“Oo. May naging kaibigan siya sa contacts ko. She’s talking about Arki. Nabanggit niya rin na sinasabi niyang hindi daw ako umuuwi dahil busy sa boyfriend. Ang gagong si Tyler, kahit anong pinagsabi-sabi kay Riri.”

“Hindi yata ako ang tinutukoy ni Riri. Baka iba.”

Why am I so nervous about this? I hope Riri didn’t share anything personal or anything related to our family. Hindi niya naman alam kung ano ang divorce pero baka kung ano ano ang pinagkukwento niya.

“Do you have a dog?” I asked.

“As in aso?”

I laughed. “Ah right…Ibang aso na tumatahol pala ang meron ka.”

Kahit hindi ko nakikita si Shiloh, alam kong namumula siya ngayon. Cute.

“Ano bang full name mo? Baka naman nickname mo…”

“Shiloh Ching Escarra…”

“Ching?”

“Oo. Middle name ko. Chinese kasi si Mama.”

“You don’t have other names aside from Shiloh?”

“Wala na…”

Then…who’s Arki? Imposibleng si Connor. He’s Conrad Norris, short for Connor. Imposible namang si Ronan eh Slade ang isang pangalan no’n. At sinabi ni Riri iba rin si Tyler. Reagan Aldric, which is Rick, doesn’t sound like Arki too. Akala ko si Shiloh pero hindi rin pala.

At pinapabigay pa ni Riri sa akin ang drawing niya. Ito ang hinabilin niya kahit noong pauwi na ako. Isesend ko daw sa kanya ang picture ni Arki na hawak itong drawing niya.

Is this the effect of a broken family? She’s imagining things? What if Arki doesn’t exist? What if, out of her loneliness, she develops some psychological problems?

I wanted to laugh about it, but at the same time, I feel bad for my little sister. Were you this lonely?

Whoever this Arki is, I needed to give Riri’s gift.

Idineritso ko kay Tyler ang kotse siya at full tank pa. Nasa bahay sila ni Con at naroon ang lahat maliban kay Brent. Baka kasama siguro si Shila. Halos mag iisang buwan niya na yata ’yung pinopormahan.

I’m quite shocked that Brent is really serious about pursuing her. Or it’s just his own excuse to dodge things. Ilap na ilap ah? Baklang bakla kana ba kay Shiloh, Jarsdel?

“Sinong Arki?” natatawang tanong ni Con nang magtanong na rin ako sa kanya kung may nabanggit ba si Riri pagkapasok namin ni Tyler sa sala.

“Hindi ko nga alam.” Tinabihan ko si Shiloh at inakbayan. “Akala ko nga ito.”

Umiling agad si Shiloh. “Hindi naman Arki ang pangalan ko.”

“Oo nga, Shiloh. Hindi namin alam ang pangalan mo. Anong full name mo?” tanong ni Ronan na inilalapag ang pagkain sa table.

“Shiloh Ching Escarra.”

“Ching?” si Rick na ngiting ngiti. “Cute ah? Parang Chingching. O Chichi…”

“Wala ka bang ibang pangalan, Shiloh? Shiloh lang?” si Tyler na nakaupo sa balikat ng sofa.

Umiling si Shiloh. “Wala…”

“Hmm… I’ll call you Shishi sometimes.”

“Baka naman ikaw si Arki, Rick?” tanong ni Tyler.

“Paano magiging Arki ang Aldric? Ang layo. At hindi ko naman tinawagan si Mavric. Si Shiloh ang madalas kong katawagan,” aniya sabay sipat ng tingin kay Shiloh sa tabi ko.

Sinipa ko si Tyler nang maalala ang katarantaduhan niya.

“Sinabi niya kay Arki na hindi raw ako umuuwi dahil sa boyfriend. Hayop ka. Ginawa mo pa akong bakla.”

Humagalpak silang lahat. Ngumiti si Shiloh at pasimpleng hinaplos ang siko niya.

“Dude, I told you, I meant about us! Your friends! English ’yon ng lalakeng kaibigan! English speaking ang kapatid mo!” natatawang paliwanag ni Tyler at hinaplos ang paa niyang nasipa ko.

“At anong one plus one equals a window?” Halos natatawa ko siyang inambahang batuhin ng baso, agarang iwinawala ang topic sa bakla.

“Hindi ba ’yon gets ni Riri? Pambatang joke ’yon! Dapat gets niya ’yon!”

“Bobo ka raw sabi ng kapatid ko. Ayaw kanang kausap.”

“Dude, what the hell? Imagine it, tulog ka. Tapos nagising ka dahil sa tawag sa alas singko ng umaga. At tatanungin ka ng one plus one! S’yempre bangag na bangag pa ako tapos gusto agad ng kapatid mo magsolve ako ng mga math problems! Kung hindi ’yon si Riri mumurahin ko ’yon! At bata naman ’yung kausap ko kaya hindi ko sineryoso! Baka pag sinabi kong two, tatawa siya at sasabihing window. Kaya inunahan ko!”

Nagtawanan ang mga boys habang pabiro ko nang hiniheadlock si Tyler.

“I check mo ’yung numbers na tinawagan niya. Baka may iba doon,” Shiloh suggested.

I calmed down from strangling Tyler, took my phone out, and scanned my history as I sat beside Shiloh again. And there’s an unregistered number. I scrolled more and saw that they made more calls—no…it was a FaceTime! Not just once…twice…It’s everyday straight in a week! Ang haba rin ng FaceTime nila!

This might be Arki. Ito lang ang nakatawagan niya na walang pangalan sa contacts ko.

I clicked its number so I could type a message. Ngunit agad na dumerikta sa imessage at nakita kong may text na naroon.

Nakatingin din si Shiloh sa screen ng phone ko at sigurado akong nabasa niya iyon lalo na’t nasa tabi ko lang siya.

Kuya. This is me, Chloe. I need cash right now. Hihintayin kita dito sa classroom.

Oh…fuck. The message. Fuck. Fuck it! Nakipagtawagan ang kapatid ko kay Rade?! Hindi lang simpleng tawag. It’s a FaceTime!

I turned the screen off while Shiloh looked at me meaningfully. I could sense his shock, but he tried to hold it in. Malamang. Kilala niya eh.

“Meron ba? Baka naman si Brent, Mav?” si Tyler nang mapansin isinilid ko na ang phone sa bulsa ko.

Right. I remember it now. Chloe borrowed my phone once. Nakitext siya.

Come to think of it, Riri said he has a dog. That’s probably Mavi! At parehas daw ng trabaho ng Dad namin. Malamang dahil engineering student ang hayop na ’yon.

I stood and told them I’d just smoke outside. Lumabas ako at kumuha ng sigarilyo habang dina-dial na ang unknown number.

It can’t be. What’s his name again? It’s Rade. Paano naging Arki?

Hinithit ko ang sigarilyo habang inilalagay sa tainga ang phone. It was now ringing. Ilang sandali lang, sinagot.

“Riri? Is there a problem?” the familiar voice asked concernedly.

Naubo ako sa sariling usok nang makumpira ang tinig ni Rade.

“Tsss.” He ended the call immediately.

My eyes widened in disbelief. The asshole really has attitude problems! I’ve immediately moved on on what’s between me and Chloe and he’s still throwing tantrums? Really? Gaano ba kalaki ’yang galit niya sa akin?

At ang lambot ng tinig sa kapatid ko ah? Ano? Mabait ka lang sa bata? Tapos sa kuya sobrang tarantado mo?

Pissed that he ended it, I called again. It took some seconds before he answered it.

“What’s up? So you’re Arki, huh?” Bahagya akong natawa.

“You kept my number?” tanong niya. “What are you planning to do with it? Fantasizing I’d call you?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be so assuming. Hindi ko nga alam na nandito sa contacts ko ang number mo. Nakisuyo lang si Chloe sa akin na makitext noon. She forgot to delete it. Who called, by the way? Is it you or…”

“You think I’ll call you? What for?” There was a distance in the way he talked. Malamig at seryoso.

So Riri called the number in my messages. She called this motherfucker. Not just once but countless times.

“I don’t know. Maybe to apologize?”

I heard him scoff. “Apologize for seeing your hand in my sister’s chest?”

Napapikit ako at napangisi. Man…Out of all the things he needed to say, he knew well how to choose his words that would squeeze and break my limit.

“What’s the punch anyway? Were you jealous that my hand was in your sister’s chest instead of yours?” I taunted back, chuckling.

“And you are wondering why I don’t like you at all for my sister, huh?”

Napawi ang ngiti ko. Hinithit ko muli ang sigarilyo habang nag-isip isip. Hindi ko makakasundo ang isang ’to. I don’t even know why I’m dreaming about him when I don’t like him at all. Pinagpapantasyahan ko talaga sa isip ’to?

“Look. I’m serious with your sister. Siya ang may ayaw akong ipakilala sa’yo. That’s why I thought you and…Chloe had a thing because she was hiding her brother from me.”

“Ikakahiya ka talaga. With your multiple issues with women…”

I laughed. “Because of my circles? Hey, I know you’re gay and you fuck men, but come on, don’t be ridiculous. My circles image might be tainted, but you have no right to put words in our mouth. Seryoso ako sa kapatid mo. If your issue was because of the circle I was in, how about you judge me based on Shiloh too? Based on the girls I’m close with too. Why would you only compare me to the bad ones and exclude the good ones? Are you that desperate to taint my image? Is that it?”

Hindi siya sumagot kaya nagpatuloy ako.

“Chloe kept on rubbing it into my face for months that you hate me because of the circle I was in. You hate me because you knew how playboy I was. Of course, you got a taste, right? I was that easy. But I made an effort to fucking know Chloe. Diyan ka magalit sa akin kung niloko ko ang kapatid mo.”

It was him. This man knows how to bend and snap my composure. This man knows how to drive me nuts. This man gets on my nerves. And now, he really got a taste of my own anger. He fucking knows how to pull out what’s hidden underneath, and I hated it. I hated this so much.

Dapat nga kay Chloe ko ito sinasabi. Dapat nga kay Chloe ako bumubuga dahil siya naman ang pinaghirapan ko, hindi itong kapatid niya. But this son of a bitch knows how to stir me. This son of a bitch knows how to blow me up.

At ang nakakainis dito, kung nandito lang siya sa harap ko, I would fucking get physical with him. I don’t mind. Violence is always the least thing on my mind; it depends on how angry I am. And when I used my fist, I knew I was that angry. I knew I was not joking anymore. Because it takes a lot of menace to break my composure. And this fucking asshole is just so good at breaking me.

“Let’s meet up,” he invited in the middle of my burning anger.

Sa tindi ng galit ko, iyon lang ang sinabi ng hayop na ’to! Mariin akong pumikit at natawa. Really.

“Ngayon? Sure! Let’s get this over with! Which hotel? Name it.”

He chuckled coldly. “You are angry with me, and you want to fuck?”

“Why? It seems like you have unfinished business with me. Let’s finish this on my terms.”

“Riri told me her brother would give me my present, and you’re giving me…your body?”

Parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. Wait. He’s talking about Riri’s present? Pumikit ako at napangisi. Damn…he’s driving me nuts. I am talking about my personal issues with him, and he wanted to meet because…he wanted to get Riri’s present for him?

This man…really…

He chuckled again. It was pure mocking. His low chuckle was offending. It didn’t sound funny. It sounded so devious and sarcastic. Like he was watching someone so low on him. Someone who’s never gonna top him.

“I didn’t know you knew how to get angry. Where’s that unbothered dog who has a smug face?” he murmured.

I rolled my eyes, smirking. “If you were here, I’d fucking shove mine in yours.”

“Yeah? If you were here, I’d shove mine in your mouth to shut you up,” he fired back raspily.

Napasandal ako sa pader at nangingiting tiningnan ang pants ko. I arched my brow when, all of a sudden, it felt so tight.

I curved my tongue against my mouth. When he said I was a dog in heat for him, I think he’s really right. Galit ako ngayon pero hindi ako makapaniwalang ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Why am I horny about this?

“You think I won’t suck it hard?” namamaos kong sagot.

There was a deafening silence. I let out a low chuckle.

“Touching yourself? I turned you on?” I mocked when it was the opposite. I’m fucking turned on.

“I’ll set the date when to get Riri’s present. Don’t come to me unless I tell you to come,” he said in his usual distant voice.

Pinatay niya ang tawag pagkatapos noon. I smiled and let my tongue graze my lower lip. Pumikit ako at tumingala. I put my hands at the back of my head and laughed crazily. The asshole was really acting superior! He got the nerves to order me, like it was me who was dying to see him!

Gusto pa akong kontrolin! Pare-parehas sila niyang kapatid niyang babae! They both think they could put a leash on my throat like I am their own dog! Tingin niya desperado ako sa kanya? At kailan ba ’yang sinasabi niyang magkikita kami? Makakahintay naman ako pero huwag niyang tagalan!

I was looking forward to it. Idagdag pang nangungulit na rin si Riri sa akin at panay text. Kinukumusta niya ’yung drawing niya at ibigay ko na raw kay Arki.

Paano muna nakuha ni Rade ang loob niya? That man looked like he wasn’t good at kids. Nakakatakot siya. He doesn’t look friendly. Akala mo laging galit dahil sobrang sungit. Tapos siya pa ang sobrang kasundo ni Riri? Mas maiintindihan ko kung si Arki si Shiloh. Pero si Rade? ’Yung kulang nalang ibaon ako ng buhay?

Hey! Can we talk again?

Napabangon ako nang makatanggap ng text sa sumunod na araw. Is this…uh…Alessa?

Mavric:

Alessa?

Unknown:

Chloe. Hahahaha so the rumor is true? You got another girl na :)

Oh…

Mavric:

Hahaha sorry. I deleted your number after that day.

Unknown:

Ang bilis maka move-on kasi maraming reserba? Hahahahaha

Mavric:

You too, right? You’re very pretty, Chloe. I bet you have boys now too.

Unknown:

Boys? So binabaliktad mo ako dito? Na ako ang playgirl sa atin kaya hindi tayo nagwork-out?

Mavric:

I mean, you’re very pretty, Chloe. There’s a lot of men waiting for their turn. That’s what I’m talking about.

Unknown:

So hindi mo idedeny na wala kang reserba? Meron talaga?

Ngumuso ako.

Mavric:

Silly. What do you want to talk about anyway?

Unknown:

Sa personal nalang. And I’m bringing Shila. I can’t talk with you alone.

Our last scene flashed through my mind.

Mavric:

I won’t force things without your consent, you know. But sure. It depends on you, as long as you’re comfortable.

Unknown:

Okay. This week.

I only reacted to her last message. Tiningnan ko ang ibang messages kung meron pa ba pero wala na.

Your brother is really cold and heartless, huh? Gusto kong itext pero malinaw naman ang sinabi niya. Kaso mas mabuti siguro na mag-usap muna kami ni Chloe sa personal? I should end it nicely? Not that we didn’t end it nicely last time, but she might want to explain things further with me.

Should I tell Rade about it? That his sister wants to talk to me? Pero mukha naman akong nagpapasipsip dito. As if I wanted to continue pursuing Chloe. I can’t now. She’s Rade’s sister. Pag-iinitan ako lalo ng lalakeng ’yon kung patuloy kong nilandi ’yang kapatid niya.

Isa pa. Hindi nga naging maganda ’yung kay Alessa tapos tatalon na naman ako sa ibang babae? I can’t even turn myself on with girls at the moment. Well, aside from that motherfucker.

Chapter 9

Top

Unknown:

I’m here at the cafeteria. I’m with Shila.

In a few days, Chloe’s text came before her brother. Not that I was expecting him to tell me to meet him up right away, but I can’t believe he’s that cold.

Hindi naman sa nagdedemand ako ng text agad agad, but an update will do! How am I supposed to wait without a proper update, right?

“Sabing may pinopormahan ako,” reklamo ni Brent nang hilain ko siya para samahan akong kausapin si Chloe.

This man was now shooting his chances with Shiloh. Good for them. I think he’s now embracing his new preference. Or he’s been shameless since day one, and he just needed to wait for Shiloh to put that leash on his throat he’s been dying to wear.

Napapayag ko naman si Brent na sumama. I could do it alone, or I could talk to Chloe alone like usual. But she seems uncomfortable, and if this news spreads, at least there are no malicious words that would add that we were both alone because I have Brent and she is with Shila.

I could feel the awkwardness between Brent and Shila as soon as I took a seat. But I didn’t mind it when I saw how Chloe’s gaze looked at Brent first, with pure hostility, and she looked at me with uncontrollable judgments in her eyes.

Whatever she heard, or if there’s this rumor circulating that I have a girl now, well, it’s quite true. At ano naman ’yon sa kanya? She needed to stop meddling with it. That’s not her problem anymore.

“Hey.” I smiled as soon as I took the seat.

She tried to calm her expression and sipped on her water. I looked at Shila and smiled as well. She stretched her lips a bit, but her chinita eyes didn’t look welcoming.

“Nagpaalam ka ba sa girlfriend mo? Baka selosa ’yon,” ani Chloe, medyo sarkastiko ang pagkakasabi.

I laughed. “She doesn’t mind…”

As I said, I take things lightly. I really don’t care if the people around me think I’m playing around or what they think about me. If they will shove those words in my mouth first, I don’t mind chewing them. As if they wanted to see me puking by it, spitting it out for their own satisfaction, but I’ll even absorb it and gulp it down. That’s how it works for me.

And Chloe looked more pissed that I’m fine and it’s really true.

“What do you want to talk about, anyway?” latag ko sa topic nang hindi na lumayo pa.

Brent and Shila were now whispering or talking softly, and I didn’t snoop anymore. He knows how to take care of his shit. Hindi naman pabaya si Brent. Well, maybe now. Not his past self.

Tumikhim si Chloe at uminom ulit. She looked like she wanted to say something, but there was a hesitancy.

I let her take her time processing things. Nabuhay ang screen ng phone ko at nagpop out ang emojis ni Riri. Puro umiiyak na pusa.

Ngumuso ako at ibinaba sa ilalim ng table ang phone ko, nagtype ng message.

Mavric:

Yes baby?

But then she was sending me more emojis with different animals that were hysterically crying and lashing out.

I sighed and looked at Chloe again. Her brows were knitting aggressively. Pinatay ko saglit ang screen ng aking phone at tiningnan siyang muli.

“May mga tanong lang ako tungkol kay Kuya,” she said while she looked pissed at my phone.

Tumango ako, medyo hindi inaasahan na magiging topic pala namin dito ay ang kapatid niya.

Brent suddenly stood, a bit in a hurry, so we glanced at him first. Nilingon ko kung saan siya lumapit at nakita na ang circles namin. I smiled and was proud that he’s this conscious when Shiloh is around.

“I told you, Shila,” si Chloe na siniko pa si Shila.

Umiling si Shila. “Ayos lang, Chloe. He’s gentleman. I appreciate his effort.”

“Effort na ’yon para sa’yo? Pinagsasabay ka sa iba?” She rolled her eyes.

Ngumuso ako at hinaplos ang batok ko habang tumingin tingin sa paligid. Seriously. I felt like I’m hearing illegal activities, and I’d be included in them too because I’m here.

My phone beeped again. Binuksan ko iyon at sunod sunod na ang mga sinisend na voice messages ni Riri. She’s really hysterical.

I took my earphones out and told Chloe I’d just listen to something. She still looked pissed while nodding, but I needed to listen to whatever Riri’s whining again.

“KUYA!”

Medyo ngumiwi ako sa lakas noon. She’s desperately shouting. I think she’s troubled.

“Kuya! Where is my contact? It’s empty!” she whined in her cute little voice.

“Kuya! I cannot find Arki’s number! It’s empty!”

Tumayo ako at sumenyas na may gagawin lang. I didn’t wait for Chloe’s reply as I stood and found a quiet corner so I could whisper my replies to her.

“I saved my number and mommy only, Riri. You can also call mommy. Nandiyan sa messages. Click it like what you’ve been doing.”

I sent it via voice message. Mabilis siyang nag read, mukhang nakaabang lang sa screen. Nilingon ko ang table ni Chloe at nakahalukipkip siya, iritado. I only smiled and went back to the screen of my phone when Riri’s voice messages popped out again.

“I don’t wanna call mommy. She will hang up and tell me to pass it on to Lala. To ask Lala. She is busy.”

Kinagat ko ang labi.

“I want my contacts, Kuya! It’s missing! Kuya Tyler might be still sleeping now. I cannot find his number.”

Pumikit ako at hindi alam kung matatawa ba o ano. She wants to keep my own contacts on her own phone too.

“Riri. I gave you a new phone. Nasa akin ang contacts ko. Those are mine. I didn’t save it on your phone because they’re busy.”

Namaywang ako. Ilang saglit lang, nagsend siya agad ng voice message.

“But Arki told me he would drop everything he was doing to answer my calls. If he’s busy, he won’t answer my calls. That’s what he told me.”

Aba? May pa assurance? Ganyan ka naman pala ka available pero bakit hirap magsend ng text? Ano ’to, nagpapasipsip ka sa bata? Who’s trust are you getting, huh? Her brother? I smirked at my own thoughts.

I listened to her next voice message again, and this time, she was already crying. Naisip ko tuloy na baka ibabato niya iyong phone, but before I left, I told her not to hurt the phone, or else she couldn’t contact me anymore. I told her the phone was mine just to prevent her from throwing it para isipin niyang hindi kanya iyon.

“He promised!” her words in the middle of her sobs. “He wasn’t busy!”

“Alright, stop crying. I’ll send the number and pass the phone to Lala. Tell her to save the contacts.”

Ilang sandali lang, nagsend siya ng picture. It was Lala in the kitchen, smiling while doing the dishes.

“Lala said, okay,” her next voice message.

“Okay. I’ll send it later. Stop crying.”

Ilang sandali lang, nagsend siya ng picture niya. She was trying to smile despite the messy tears in her face and her imbalanced pigtail.

I smiled and reacted to it. Bumalik ako sa table ni Chloe na ngayon ay umaangat na ang kilay.

“Ang clingy naman ng girlfriend mo. Can’t she wait?”

I chuckled. “Shall we continue? What about your brother?”

She looked so pissed that I wasn’t explaining things. But then, that’s not her business anymore. There’s no need to explain here. Isa pa, hindi niya naman paniniwalaan. I’ll let her think about what she wants then. That won’t cut.

“I was just curious about what you were talking about. Anong summer?”

Oh… I forgot, I spilled that part.

Chloe looked at me desperately. I could sense her curiosity.

“You should ask your brother,” sabi ko.

“Tatanungin ba kita kung kaya kong tanungin ’yon kay Kuya?” She rolled her eyes.

“That was actually nothing. I thought he’s your boyfriend, so…I thought it would be a bomb if you found out he’s going to bars last summer?”

Her expression became more curious.

“Si Kuya, nagbabar?” She looked confused.

Tumango ako. “Oo ’yun lang naman. I thought you two were dating. ’Yun lang naman.”

She rested her elbows on the table and leaned closer.

“Anong ginagawa niya sa bar? Nambababae? Are you sure?”

I shrugged. “Ewan ko.”

“And knowing you, nasa bars ka lagi. Which means you were there to play around too.”

Ngumiti ako at hinaplos ang aking batok. Actually, I played with your brother, Chloe. But it seems like your brother doesn’t share things with you. Baka hindi na ’yon magpakita sa akin. But maybe if I spill it right now, he’ll be running to me like a mad ape, ready to punch me again.

I’d enjoy the beating. But then, I think that kind of thing wasn’t my story to tell. I’ll be sandwiched between them. I could mess around with Rade without including some personal issues here. Lalo na’t ngayon, baka kailangan ko pang pakitunguhan ng maayos iyon dahil kay Riri.

“’Yun lang?” Chloe asked, confirming it.

Tumango ako.

“Then what’s dirty about that? Nagbar lang si Kuya, iniisipan mo agad ng kung ano-ano. He’s single.”

I smiled. Right? You have ways to clean someone else’s reputation in your mind and automatically put dirt on mine because you think I’m that dirty?

Familiar, huh?

“’Yun lang naman. Uh…are we done now?” I confirmed, ready to leave my seat.

Her expression calmed down a bit.

“And uh, I’m sorry for my brother’s action. He’s just overprotective. Ayaw niya lang na…uh…wala siyang tiwala sa mga…”

I nodded. She doesn’t need to elaborate on that part. I understand.

“I understand,” agap ko, nang hindi na siya mahirapan pa.

Her expression softened more. “Maverick. You know why I can’t trust you, right?”

I smiled and nodded. “Yes.”

Her shoulder loosened. Tumingin siya saglit kay Shila na busy sa phone. I was ready to stand up, but I rested my body for a while to let her know that I’m still ready to listen.

“I just don’t trust men like you.”

I slowly nodded. I know. It has been crystal clear since day one. She has trust issues. And I can’t deal with that. That’s her own issue.

“You are a playboy. Your circles speak for who you are. And look. You have a girlfriend now. You have women. Parang…kahit noong time na pinu-pursue mo pa lang ako, may naiisip kana agad na pamalit sa akin kung sakali mang…hindi tayo magwork-out.”

I’m quite guilty of the latter. But I did my best too. I didn’t play around while pursuing her. I rejected the idea of knowing Alessa on those days because of Chloe. I stick to her. I showed it. I tried my best.

“Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ka ba o…talagang naglalaro lang.” She looked at me carefully, puzzled.

I bowed a bit and nodded again while I shook my left leg. I nodded at her, taking it all in.

“I understand…”

Chloe sighed. Nailing siya at tila ba dismayado na ganoon ang paliwanag ko.

I would always try to dodge things despite being hit by them. I don’t mind if my reputation isn’t clean. I accepted that there are people who would jump to conclusions and judge people based on what’s on the surface. They don’t judge based on what’s underneath. The emotion. The burden. The inner battles.

Alam ko ’yon. I won’t clean my hands here. I was once like that too. I judge too easily. I…would even avoid it because I had already tainted them in my mind. Those things I’ve seen about them were their whole being. If I’ve seen them doing immoral things or something that I think would affect me, I’d abandon them. I’d walked out.

And this is not new to me. Chloe is just another reminder that I was once like her. I judged. I commit mistakes. I…abandoned things that I thought I couldn’t accept.

And I knew the feeling now. The feeling of being isolated, abandoned, just because their eyes have proven something you aren’t.

My leg stopped shaking when I noticed that I was shaking it uncontrollably. I smiled at Chloe.

“Tapos na ba?”

Marahan ang kanyang pagtango. She looked at me like a puzzle. I smiled at her, stood out of my chair, and signaled that I’d get going.

“Shila. Alis na ako,” I bid.

Tumingin si Shila at maliit na ngumiti, tumango lamang. I looked at Chloe once and decided to go.

“Ibang iba siya kay Brent. Transparent siya pero parang puzzle,” I heard Shila’s voice.

“He’s always hard to read. Tama lang na hindi kami nagwork-out. Baka ngayon umiiyak na ako kasi nagcheat siya.”

Her circle doesn’t trust me, even her own brother. It was those words that added to her confusion. When we listen to the majority, we’d always think that the more people who got the same judgements, the more their words were accurate because it’s matching.

But then, I grew up thinking that just because the majority shared the same opinion doesn’t mean it’s always right. Maybe because they were just judgments based on what they heard from others and what they saw in just a few seconds.

If I join the majority, what am I getting in return? What am I trying to prove? Will I win? At what cost?

Angela’s birthday party was already approaching. It was good to be in my circles, really. I love the noise. I love the fun.

“Nasaan si Brent?” tanong ni Tyler nang iginala ang tingin at hindi mahanap sa gitna ng games sa pool area.

“Nilalagnat. Nagpapahinga sa kuwarto.”

“Nilagnat? Mukha bang may sakit ’yon?” Nagkamot siya ng batok.

“Malala ang sakit no’n.” Humalakhak ako at sinimsim ang beer na nasa pulang cup na hawak ko.

The games were still ongoing. I eyed some girls who were watching me stickily and smirked at them.

But then, the more I tried it with them like earlier, the more I couldn’t find pleasure. I don’t even think if…it’s the same preference as before. I think my dick just has his own preference now.

I wanted to talk about these things with someone to whom I could relate. And knowing Brent and I were on the same page, I want to spill some of my parts, at least.

When I opened up to Shiloh, the truth is, I wanted him to feel that he wasn’t alone. These things really exist. And we don’t need to isolate ourselves in fear of losing a loved one just because we think we are different from the majority. Because I know that people won’t abandon things if they have a deep understanding of them. If we reach out and tell them that it’s normal.

A bit drunk, I dizzily clicked his number. Maingay pa rin ang party ni Angela. But then, I remembered Riri’s request. Hinihintay ng kapatid ko. This might be a good enough reason to approach him.

I sipped on my beer while waiting for him to pick up my call. Sinagot niya iyon ngunit hindi nagsalita.

“I called since Riri kept on crying.” Panimula ko.

“What about her?” His voice softened.

Umangat ang kilay ko nang mapagtantong nakahanap ako ng katapat niya.

“Well, she wants your number. I didn’t save it on her new phone I bought, and I told her you were busy.”

“You told her I’m busy?” He sounded pissed and entertained.

I sipped on my beer again and eyed the partygoers, but my whole attention was on the line.

“Ahuh. You are. Hindi mo nga ako tinitext…” I playfully said.

“What’s her number? I’ll call her tomorrow morning.”

“Thought you’re busy?” I chuckled raspily.

“Are you drunk?”

Sumilay lalo ang ngisi ko. The fucker is concern?

“Are you in the Club?” ulit niyang tanong.

“Hmm…you guess?”

“House party. Your circle.”

Humalakhak ako. “Ah…Stalker ka naman pala.”

“Stalker huh? It’s all over Facebook. Your elite circles were dominating my feed.”

Dominating? What the? What’s his Facebook? So he’s friends with them, and we are not?

“What’s your Facebook? “ agap ko.

“Why?”

“Coz I want to dominate your feed too?” I chuckled.

“You’re drunk. I’ll end this.”

“Psh. You’ve tried me when I was drunk. I even gave my consent when I was drunk. I’m not that low-tolerant, you know. If you’d tell me right now we’ll meet, I could still drive safely until I’m in front of you.”

“Yeah?” he sounded amused.

“Yup…” My smirk grew even wider as I sipped on my beer.

“I thought you called for Riri’s…”

“This is about Riri. If I meet up with you, we’ll talk about Riri,” I answered playfully.

Hindi na siya sumagot pa. Nakita ko ang mapaghanap na tingin ni Rick. Noong makita ako, lumapit.

“Mavric,” tawag ni Rick.

I ended the call right away. Isinilid ko iyon sa bulsa ng pants ko habang lumalapit siya lalo.

“Nasaan si Shiloh?”

“Upstairs. Pinuntahan si Brent.”

Handa na siyang umalis nang hinawakan ko ang braso niya.

“Huwag mo nang disturbohin.” Ngisi ko.

He looked at me with furrowed brows. Marahas niyang tinabig ang kamay ko sa braso niya. I chuckled and raised my hands to let him run upstairs. Whew.

Gusto ko mang sumunod pero nagring ang phone ko. Taka kong kinuha ang phone at nakita ang tawag ng hindi nakaregister na number. I answered it, a bit curious who was calling.

“Why did you end it? Who’s that?” Rade asked, his voice was thick.

Mas sumilay ang ngiti sa aking labi. Now. Let’s climb the ladder. It’s time to reclaim who’s really on top…

Chapter 10

Abandoned

“You guess again?” hamon ko, nanunudyo.

“Who?” he asked warningly.

I rolled my eyes. “A friend. Ah I’m so drunk…It might be nice being suck right now…” I murmured to divert his attention.

“Why don’t you find a quiet place and stay there. It’s loud,” he ordered.

Humalakhak ako ng marahan. “Why? Planning for FaceTime?”

But still, I did what he told me. So much for being bossy, huh.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay at puno rin ang sala. Umakyat ako sa itaas para maghanap nalang ng kuwarto. I tried some of the doors. Lock ’yung isang guest room kaya sa kabila ako pumasok. It’s empty. Angela would always keep the guest rooms unlocked for parties like this to let them use them.

I turned the call off again and clicked FaceTime instead and tossed it on the bed to unbutton my shirt. When he answered it, I immediately hovered over my phone, my necklace hanging loosely, and my unbuttoned shirt already revealing my chest and stomach. I drunkenly looked at him with a playful smile on my lips.

He was sitting with his stoic expression and his glasses. His knuckles were resting on the side of his head, and he seemed bored by the way his eyes looked so unemotional.

He slightly got amused, though he didn’t flinch at all, but his eyes slowly grazed on my chest, which made me chuckle.

“Bagay ka naman pala sa ilalim,” I teased.

His camera started shaking. Seconds later, dumungaw siya at mukhang inihiga niya ang phone niya. When he appeared on the screen again, he took off his eyeglasses and brushed his hair backwards while resting his elbow on the side of the phone.

I felt like he just flipped me and hovered over me now. And the way the confidence mingled in his eyes and the way his lips stretched a bit, giving me a mocking smile, I could really sense he’d never let me have it my way.

“Pinagbigyan ka ba sa itaas kaya gustong gusto mo? You think that would work on me?” he asked in his usual raspy and deep voice.

Ngumuso ako. He was really thinking I have a boyfriend? Or maybe he thinks I have a fuckbuddy at the moment? At lalake?

“The last time I checked, you were straight. Who were your boytoy lately?” he asked, his expression looking so serious.

“Why? You’d replace him?” I arched my brow. “Coz I’d drop him right away if you replaced him. I don’t really enjoy that bottom…” I bragged.

Umangat ang kilay niya. I could feel it coming—the mockery. The insult he’d fire to put me in the place he wanted for me.

Bumukas bigla ang pinto. I stood and glanced at the door. I was about to turn the call off when I saw Rade’s look. He was arching his brow, and his gaze intensified. So instead, I slipped it into my pants.

“Mavric?” halos gulat si Tyler nang makita ako.

“Yeah, Tyler?” I scratched my nape.

“Dude, ba’t ka nandito?”

My eyes drifted to his hand while he was holding his phone. Nakaawang siya sa pinto at naghanap agad ang mga mata.

“May babae kang kasama?”

“Wala. Mag-isa ako.”

“Mag-isa?” Tumawa siya. “Anong ginagawa mo rito?”

“I was planning to jack off. So fuck off.” Halakhak ko.

“Do you want some help? I’ll jack it off for you, Mav,” biro ni Tyler.

I laughed about it and walked to the door to dismiss him. Natatawang umiling si Tyler saka ko isinara ang pinto. I took my phone out of my pocket again.

“When are you planning to meet me up? I need it as soon as possible. Iniiyakan ng kapatid ko,” I mentioned to start another topic.

“I’ll try it this week,” he said, sounding cold.

Umirap ako. “She wants it tomorrow. Do you want to listen to her whines? She cried.”

Naglakad ako sa sofa at doon umupo, sinisiguradong nakikita niya ang nakabalandra kong bukas na butones kahit masyado na naman siyang seryoso.

“How about your other brother?” tanong niya.

Kumunot ang noo ko. He knows I have another brother? Seriously, Riri. Baka buong family tree natin ang k-in-wento mo rito.

“What about him?” I asked.

“He doesn’t call you? He doesn’t…whine?”

I froze a bit.

“Why would he? He’s busy on his iPad. Mahilig siya sa games. Si Riri, mas gusto niya kasing may kausap siya lagi. Why? You’d want my other brother’s attention too? You want my whole family’s attention?” I chuckled.

“Busy sa iPad. Kinukumusta mo ba?”

There. This is what I hate about him. He sticks to places I don’t want to talk about. Parang kahit iligaw ko siya, mahahanap at mahahanap niya ang daan pabalik.

“Don’t you have others to worry about? Say…your new boy? Hmm… Do you keep fuck buddies recently? Same type?” balik ko sa topic naming naiwan kanina.

“Kids are easier to read than adults. I bet you were once like them too,” seryoso niyang patuloy, ayaw walain ang topic.

I tried to relax my body on the sofa. He’s trying to get on my nerves again.

“Riri is just a kid. Whatever she was telling you, it’s just her own thoughts.”

“Exactly. Her own thoughts.”

I was on the verge of cursing him, but I sighed. Bagot kong itinuko ang kamay sa gilid ng sofa at tiningnan siya.

“Look. I know you’re concerned or whatever. But she’s my sister. If you’re overprotective with Chloe. I am with my sister too. Don’t snoop around into other people’s lives. That’s not your issue.”

“Well, if you pay attention more instead of being busy over nonsense things, your sister might not be calling someone else…”

Over nonsense things. He meant the boyfriend Tyler told Riri about?

“She called you because you were on my messages. Kids are curious. She played with my phone. Don’t assume it was you whom she only called. She called my other friends too. Marami kayo.”

“Those friends of yours who don’t know how to solve simple math problems? That Tyler who wants to jack you off? Is that your boy toy?” His face darkened in seconds, like he’s suspecting my boyfriend was just one of my friends.

“That’s just an inside joke in our circles. Mahilig siyang magbiro. We’d joke around like jacking off or watching each other jack off, but we’ve never really done it. Just a joke,” I explained carefully to clean his mind at least. Tang inang ’to!

“If he wasn’t joking, you’d want it?” He sounded confrontational.

Nangingiti ko siyang tiningnan. “If you’re the one who’s gonna say that, I won’t take it as a joke. I’ll pull my pants off and let you jack me off. Or if you want to watch, I’ll let you watch?” I laughed.

“Riri called him to ask for help. She called another one, which was me, because your Tyler can’t even solve a simple math problem.”

Tang inang ‘your Tyler’ ’yan! Kinikilabutan ako. Why is he so good at making me angry like this?

“My friends were just toying with her. She’s a kid. They treated her like one. Anong gusto mo, seryosohin?” I chuckled, trying to hold my composure he wanted to pull out of me again.

“Exactly the point here. Just because they were kids, then that doesn’t mean they were messing around. And then you’d wonder why they would suddenly grow up ignoring you?”

He’s really like this. He shoved things at me as if he wanted to see me burst. He wanted his hands on my throat. He wanted to control me and put me in place when I wanted to run from it. I wanted to escape it so bad. Na kung pwedeng itali niya ako para lang hindi ko matakasan, gagawin niya.

“She has homework. Math problems. She said Lala is busy. Your mommy is busy. Her brother is busy. Her father too. Her tutor is scheduled on the other days. She has no one to ask to.”

Homework? She’s just what? Kinder? Bakit may pa homework na?

“What do you want her to do? Answer the window on her math problems?” he sprinkled more.

Damn it, Tyler! Dahil diyan sa sagot mo, nagkande leche leche ngayon itong buhay ko.

“She needs a little bit of someone else’s time to listen to her. Five minutes of your time won’t cut that deep, I guess?”

My shoulder loosened. Nakita ko sa harapan ng malaking salamin ang itsura ko. I’ve never seen my serious face in the darkness. Just right now. It was like another version that I kept to myself.

I know that my family is still collapsing. My father failed to hold our home anymore. We were still hovered over the responsibility they failed to attain. My mother, who was the only one left to take care of her three kids after a failed marriage, is probably drowning too. She’s been working nonstop because she is now choosing another chapter of her life—a single mother who needs to raise her own kids alone.

Akala nila, tapos na ’yon. Hindi nila naisip na noong gumuho ang pamilya namin, nasa loob lang din ang mga anak nila. Kasama kaming gumuho noong binitiwan nila ang isa’t isa.

But maybe parents really think their issues with their partners have nothing to do with the kids. They thought they could still go on without trying to explain things. That maybe soon enough, once their kids were adults, they would understand things.

But how are we supposed to understand something that wasn’t taught to us in the first place at home?

I ended the call since Rade is pushing my limits again. Tang ina niya. Bangungutin sana siya. If only I could visit him in his dreams and fuck him so hard out of anger, I’d really do it.

But at the same time, I kind of worry for Jester too. Huling nasa bahay ako, tinanggihan ko ang yaya niyang mag gym kami. Umalis agad ako sa mismong araw na ’yon at hindi na bumalik pa. And then when I went back months later, he didn’t care anymore.

I wonder…what’s on his mind.

Umagang umaga, ang una kong naisipan ay tumawag agad kay Riri. And Tyler is right. She was already up around five a.m. Alas syete na ng umaga pero tapos na siyang maligo at kumakain na.

“Good morning, Kuya. I’m having my breakfast. What is your ulam?” she conversed cutely while I video called her.

Tumambay ako sa pool area at kakagising lang. Tulog pa ang lahat. There were some visitors to Angela who just went home too. The house is now being cleaned by their housemaid while I’m sitting in the lounge.

“Morning. I’m having my coffee.” I showed my mug. “Where is Jester?”

Nasa likod niya si Lala. Sinusuklay ang buhok niyang basa at ngumingiti rin sa camera.

Umiling siya. “He doesn’t like disturbing him on his game. He’s busy on his iPad. Kuya… look. My tooth is growing back.” She smiled beamly and showed her little tooth.

Ngumiti ako at tumingin kay Lala.

“Umuwi ba si Mommy?”

“Naku mukhang hindi nakauwi ’yon. Puyat na puyat nga ’yon noong nakaraan si Ma’am. Parang pagod na pagod. Hinabilin niya lang na ihatid ko si Riri at Jester sa classes nila. ’Yun lang.”

“Akyatin mo nga si Jester, Lala. Pakibigay itong phone sa kanya. I wanna talk to him.”

“Haynaku, Mavric. Ang hirap pakitunguhan ng isa mong kapatid. Buti itong si Riri mabilis sumunod. Si Jester nagwawala pag nadidisturbo sa iPad niya. Kulang nalang subuan ko ’yon sa pagkain kasi hindi na yata kakain kung hindi mo pakakainin kakalaro,” si Lala na dala na ang cellphone at umaakyat sa itaas.

I don’t know what to really say. When my family revealed to me they’re divorcing, I immediately found a way to escape it. Unlike my other siblings, who were trapped at home. They’re confused about what’s going on. The only thing they understood was that my father was staying overseas for his work and wouldn’t be able to go home anymore. That’s all.

Ako lang naman ang naiintindihan ang nangyayari. But I forgot that they would be affected by it too, despite not being able to process what was happening around them.

“Jester! Your kuya Mavric is on the phone oh! He wants to talk to you!” Lala conversed childishly.

Hindi kumibo si Jester. Iniharap pa ni Lala sa phone niya at naroon siya sa kama, nakakulob, may headphone sa tainga at busy sa iPad.

“Pakibigay nga, Lala,” suyo ko.

Naglakad si Lala patungo sa kama niya. Inilagay niya ang camera sa harap hanggang makita ko ang mukha niya. He looked so serious and pissed, ready to throw punches if you disturbed him more.

“Jester,” I called.

Tumingin siya sa camera, mariin ang titig sa akin at galit.

“Take off that headphone.”

He frowned more and took off his headphones.

“What, kuya?” he answered snobbishly.

“Kumain kana ba? Bakit ka nag i-iPad? Bumaba ka roon. Samahan mo si Riri.”

He scowled even more and continued playing on his iPad.

“Sige na. Bumaba kana. Samahan mo si Riri,” marahan kong utos.

He looked at the iPad again. His thick brows were so furrowed that I could sense his controlled anger.

“Uuwi ako next week. I’ll hit the gym. I’ll bring you like the usual,” agap ko.

He calmed down a bit while his gaze softened. “You’re coming home?”

Tumango ako. “Kung bababa ka roon. Samahan mong kumain si Riri.”

His shoulder relaxed. Noong mapansin iyon ni Lala, dahan-dahan niyang inabot ang iPad hanggang kusang binitiwan ni Jester. Kinuha niya ang phone na ikinagalaw ng camera.

“You will hit the gym?” ulit niya habang bumababa.

“Yup. And we’ll play video games too.”

“Really?” His face lightened.

“Yup. I’ll ask Riri if you are having breakfast with her. Sige na. Bumaba kana roon,” udyok ko.

I saw how he ran downstairs. Ilang sandali lang, nasa kusina na siya.

“Morning, Jester!” Riri greeted.

I saw how Jester glared at her. Tumabi siya rito at umupo. Ilang sandali lang, nasa gilid na rin si Lala at inilagay ang phone sa harap nila na makikita ko silang dalawa.

“Where is your iPad?” tanong ni Riri.

He was scowling. Riri smiled and tilted her head.

“Jester,” tawag ko.

His face calmed down. Nangingiting nilagyan ni Lala ng pagkain ang plato niya habang nagsusungit pa rin si Jester at si Riri sa gilid niya ay ngiting ngiti.

“Kuya. I wanna go to Kuya Shiloh’s strawberry farm,” si Riri na sumusubo na ng pagkain.

“Yes. He mentioned it…”

“I’ll make a strawberry cake. I’ll give it to Arki.”

Ngumiti lamang ako kahit gusto kong sakalin ’yang kaibigan niya ngayon.

“His parents don’t give him cakes during his birthday. He said his father would always forget to give him because they’re busy too. So I drew him one. And then I made him blow the candle, but he gave me his wish. He told me I will wish for him.”

Cake ’yung drawing na ’yon? Akala ko nasa bowl na mga strawberries. At nasaan ang candila doon? ’Yung kutsara?

But then Riri’s story caught my attention. Hindi siya binibigyan ng cake? My parents might be so busy, but my mother makes time to buy cake for me despite the absence of my father at times.

Was his preference inspired by not having to blow out some cakes? So instead, he’s here now, blowing some cock? Maasar nga…

“So you wish for a puppy?” hula ko.

Umiling si Riri. “No.”

“What did you wish for?”

Biglang inagaw ni Jester ang camera hanggang tumapat sa kanya. Riri frowned and was ready to push him, but Lala immediately stopped them.

“Kuya. Uuwi ka ha?” si Jester na sumingit, mukhang hindi na nagtatampo.

Tumango ako. “Yup. I’ll come home. Next week.”

“Really? For real, kuya?!” si Riri na siningit ang ulo sa gilid at malaki ang ngiti.

“He will come home for me, Riri,” Jester bragged.

“Is Daddy coming home too?!” halos ramdam ko ang galak sa tinig ni Riri.

“He’s not coming home anymore. I told you,” si Jester na irita ulit.

“But why?” malungkot na tanong ni Riri.

“Because he has his own family. He doesn’t love us anymore,” si Jester.

Natigilan ako.

“Uy Jester. Ano ba ’yang sinasabi mo?” saway ni Lala.

“It’s true. That’s what my classmates said. He doesn’t come home because he has his own home. He has his own family. He has his own kids.”

“Jester,” tawag ko sa medyo awtoridad na tinig.

He scowled more. The anger in his face showed. Riri, on the other hand, looked puzzled.

“But…this is Daddy’s home. We are Daddy’s family,” she said in her sad face.

“Ampon kasi tayo,” Jester added aggressively.

“Jester!” I called warningly.

He stopped talking. Riri tilted her head curiously, like a puppy.

“What’s ampon? Is that bad?”

My chest was aching. Kahit alam ko naman na hindi kami ampon, masakit na ganito ang iniisip ng kapatid ko dahil hindi sila nabibigyan ng oras ng parents namin.

“Hindi,” si Lala na hinaplos ang ulo ni Riri. “Hindi kayo ampon. Jester masama ’yan na word. Saan mo ’yan nakuha?” Tingin niya sa kapatid ko na madilim ang ekspresyon.

“My classmates said it. Mommy and Daddy don’t show up on family days. My classmates said I was an orphan; that’s why I don’t have parents.”

“Busy kasi ang parents niyo, Jest… Gano’n ’yon. Kailangan nila magwork para may makain kayo. Para may mga toys ka. Pag hindi nagwork parents niyo, edi saan kayo kukuha ng pera?” si Lala ang nagpaliwanag.

“Who said I need toys?” si Jester na irita.

“Lagi ka ngang nag i-iPad, Jest…” si Lala na idinaan sa tawa iyon.

Jester was ready to throw a fit with his hands turning into fists, while his eyes were already bloodshot.

“Ampon kasi kami. Ampon ako,” he stated angrily.

“Jester,” I called.

Tumingin siya sa camera. Sa pamumula ng mga mata niya, pinipigilan niya lang umiyak.

“I won’t leave. You have me,” I said assuringly.

His gaze immediately softened while the tears pooled in his eyes even more. Kumuyom lalo ang kamay niya.

“Uuwi ako. We’ll hit the gym… We’ll play games. Do you understand?” I conversed softly.

Tumango siya habang bumabagsak na ang malalaking luha niya at nanginginig ang labing kinagat niya lamang para magpigil na humagulhol.

“We’ll play on the playground too, like the usual, with Riri,” dagdag ko.

He covered his eyes using his forearm while his hand was in a fist. Gumagalaw ang balikat niya at humihikbi. Tumingin si Lala sa camera at umukit ang awa sa mukha niya.

“Oh narinig mo, Jest? Sige na tahan na…” si Lala na hinaplos ang likod ni Jester.

Riri looked at her brother pitifully. Her lips were quivering as well.

“Riri,” marahang tawag ko.

Her eyes became glassy.

“Smile. Let me see your growing tooth…”

Sa nanginginig niyang labi, pinilit niyang ngumiti at ipinakita iyon. I took a screenshot and laughed. She giggled too when she got distracted by my teasing. Tumingin si Jester sa amin at medyo kumakalma sa pag-iyak nang makitang tumatawa kaming dalawa ni Riri. Hinaplos ni Lala ang ulo ni Riri at inaliw agad sa pagkain para hindi rin umiyak.

The lump in my throat was already hard to swallow. I kept my smile to encourage them that we were fine and that they have me despite the problems my parents were facing.

Jester ate his food quietly. He seemed to be more relaxed now that I gave the assurance that I’m coming home. He is older than Riri. Middle child. Dalawang taon ang agwat niya at Grade Two na kaya nakakaintindi na.

I feel bad for them. My siblings could feel the absence of our parents. In no time, they might get used to it, but they would think more that our parents had already abandoned us. At siguro nga, akala ni Jester, ganoon din ang ginagawa ko sa kanila. Na iniwan ko na rin sila.

Chapter 11

Water

Pagkatapos ng tawag, naghimutok ako sa inuupuang lounger at bahagyang natulala. I was zoning out for minutes, just staring at the empty pool, while my mind was in turmoil.

I never thought Jester was thinking we were orphans. Akala ko parehas lang sila ni Riri ng iniisip. Naguguluhan pero walang ideya. Somehow, he has bottled up some emotions that kept bugging him and ended up bursting them on me.

There was an urge that was pushing me to jump to Batangas right away and be with my siblings all the time. Kaso nakakabanas. Marami akong gagawin. I might enjoy some things here for an hour, but then later on, I’d be busy with my subjects.

My siblings needed attention and time. I could give them my attention, but my time would always be overloaded with school-related activities.

Lumabas si Rick mga ilang minuto na makalipas. Naghimutok siya sa harap ng pool at natulala roon. Dahil nakaupo ako sa gilid, hindi niya napansin.

I wanted to stand up and jump to scare him or push him into the pool. But I was too lazy to stand up, so I only watched him silently.

Bumuntonghininga siya at namaywang, ang tingin ay aksidenteng napunta sa akin. I immediately gave him a smile. Nagulat si Rick at bahagyang napaatras kaya nahulog sa pool. I laughed and watched him curse out loud while he was so soaked when he pulled himself out of the water.

“Gago!” He roughly splashed water at me.

Humagalpak ako at sinubukan iyong ilagan kahit alam kong mababasa pa rin ako. Hinila niya paalis ang katawan sa tubig at hinila ang tshirt sa likuran sabay piga noon habang basang basa siya.

“What’s up, Rick? You didn’t sleep?” I teased while wiping of the tricklets of water he splashed at me.

Marahas niyang hinampas ang basa niyang t-shirt sa akin. I dodged it while smiling. Though I wanted to tease him even more, I don’t want to add it to his curiosity.

Irita niyang hinagis ang t-shirt sa lounger at umupo roon. He was now facing me while brushing his wet hair backwards.

“Sabihin mo nga,” he confronted, nodding at me while his eyes looked demanding.

Umangat ang kilay ko at inilagay ang mga kamay sa likuran ng aking ulo sabay higa. I know what he wanted to know. Kagabi pa lang…alam kong naghihinala na siya dahil nakakapansin na. Of course, because he’s paying too much attention to Shiloh.

“Anong meron?” he asked frankly.

I looked at him cluelessly. “What?”

“Anong what? Alam kong alam mo.” He hissed and looked at the neckline of my t-shirt, wanting to pull it just to squeeze some answers out of me.

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Sinipa niya ang lounger kong umalog. I only smiled at him playfully.

“I don’t know, really. Ano bang meron?”

“Huwag kang magmaang-maangan, Mavric. Anong meron kay Brent at Shiloh?”

I acted more confused. “They’re friends? Roommates? What else?”

“Friends? Friends ba ’yung gano’n? Malagkit makatingin si Brent kay Shiloh. Friends ’yon?! Hindi na nalilingat ang titig kay Shiloh?! Hindi natutukso sa babae?!”

“Rick. You know our circles. Tyler and Ron act like they’re jerking off together because of their closeness. Tyler and I would even act like Brent and Shiloh too. Why are you putting malice on Brent and Shiloh when that’s normal? We are touchy. You are just quite different with us because you don’t take it as a joke. Pero iba kami. We don’t mind acting like we are into each other, you know.”

Mas umukit sa mukha niya ang iritasyon. He looked like he sensed me covering them up, and he hates it.

“At anong iniisip mo, na bakla silang dalawa?” I laughed.

His jaw clenched. Ngumiti ako lalo.

“Na…bakla si Shiloh?”

He glared at me warningly. “Watch your words, Mavric.”

I chuckled. “Shiloh is so pretty. Sayang nga at lalake…” Mas ngumisi ako sa kanya, binibiro siya.

Sinipa niyang muli ang lounger. This time marahas iyon. Kamuntik na akong malaglag pero nanatili ako sa posisyon ko, natatawa.

“Why? You haven’t thought of it?” I tilted my head to watch his expression carefully.

“Huwag mong nililigaw ang topic, Mav. Ang sabi ko, anong meron kay Brent at Shiloh.”

I guess when people are desperate to know the truth, they will stand on their ground just to confirm it.

“I don’t know, really…Why don’t you ask Brent himself? If you’re that confused with them, ask them. Or Shiloh. Ask him. You are close with him.”

Pumangalumbaba siya sa nakaparteng mga hita at pinasadahan ng haplos ang buhok.

I wanted to push it off. Let him deal with it. But then, it involves the people I want to stand with. I already taken some steps. I am embracing them. If my friends would not approve of them, I’d be one of those who would make them understand.

“Rick. Out of all our circle, who’s the most asshole you think?”

“Tinatanong mo talaga ako niyan?” Agresibo niyang inangat ang ulo niya para mariin akong tingnan.

“I’m just curious.” I shrugged.

“Si Brent. Ikaw. Si Ron. Idagdag mo pa ang kahayupan ni Tyler. Si Con lang naman ang matino sa atin at hindi gago.”

I laughed. “Then who’s the most rational one?”

May isasagot na sana siya, pero pinigilan niya ang sarili. It’s Brent. We all know that. He might be the MVP of the year for being a playboy, pero sa aming lahat, si Brent ang pinaka ayaw na lumalagpas ang biruan sa paraang nakakasakit na kami ng damdamin o may naapakan nang iba.

Well, I’m quite rational, but I really don’t involve myself in things… I’d rather remain silent until it cools down. Or I’ll purposely ignore it because I don’t want to be part of it. Unlike Brent. He’d stand his ground.

Marahas niya akong sinipa ulit. “Nililiko mo ang topic!”

“I’m not. I’m just asking who’s the rational one. It’s Brent, Rick.”

His jaw clenched, and he played with his hair while bowing.

“Edi sila? May relasyon sila?” he asked raspily, and I could sense the disapproval in his tone.

“I don’t know, really…” I laughed lightly.

Umangat ang ulo niya at muling sinipa ang lounger ko. Nangingiting pumikit ang isa kong mata habang umuukit sa mukha niya ang iritasyon.

“Kay Shiloh ka magtanong,” udyok ko.

Umirap siya. “Bakit ko itatanong ang ganyan? Para na ring pinagdududahan ko siyang bakla. At…nasa kanya naman ’yon…kung…” He looked away, unable to finish his words.

If you’d base it on Shiloh’s way of moving, you’d easily know. Mahinhin. Kung tumatawa, mas lalong humihinhin. Pag sumisigaw, parang kinakatay na baboy. Pag humahagalpak, parang sanggol na kinikiliti. He was that…different from the nature of boys. He’s different from us. He’s not rough.

But then, you cannot say he’s gay just because he’s feminine. At alam kong ganoon ang iniisip ni Rick, at ang iba pa naming mga kaibigan. Kahit si Brent, sinasaway kami lagi. He doesn’t want us to think Shiloh is gay unless Shiloh would come out to us comfortably.

Minutes later, our main topic just went out while stretching in front of the pool, kakagising lang din. Kumalma si Rick at nag-iiwas ng tingin sabay haplos ng batok. Shiloh noticed us and smiled at us.

“Good morning,” he said, looking at Rick too.

“Morning, baby.” I greeted.

Napatingin si Rick sa suot ni Shiloh. It’s Brent’s hoodie. Paanong hindi malalaman eh tatak Jarsdel. Kabisado namin ang mga mamahaling gamit no’n.

And to see Shiloh in Brent’s hoodie, I know it fueled Rick’s curiosity more. Iba si Brent. You can’t touch his things so easily. Sa aming lahat, iba ang possessiveness ni Brent sa mga gamit niya. At alam na alam ’yon ng parte ng circles namin.

“Magkakape ka? Ipagtitimpla na rin kita,” Rick offered gently when he stood.

Tumango si Shiloh at bahagyang ngumiti. Itinuro ni Rick ang lounger kaya tahimik na lumapit si Shiloh at inukupa iyon. Sinamaan ako ng tingin ni Rick bago pumasok.

I chuckled as soon as Rick left. Niyakap ni Shiloh ang sarili niya at tumingin sa akin habang bahagyang tumatama sa mukha niya ang sinag ng araw.

“Ganda ah?” puna ko.

He only crunched his nose and slightly touched the tip of his hair to arrange it.

“Amoy na amoy ko si Jarsdel kahit tulog pa. Nagyakapan siguro kayo kagabi.”

His cheeks blushed.

“Control your dog. Pinagdududahan kayo ni Rick,” payo ko.

His shoulders loosened. Kita ko ang pag-aalala sa mukha niya, siguro ay napansin din ang pagdududa ni Rick kagabi.

“Kumusta kayo ni…” he stopped on his words. “Si Rade talaga? Pinatulan ka ni Rade?” he sounded confused.

Wait. That was offending.

“What? Am I that ugly, Shiloh?”

Umiling siya. “Si Rade na kasi ’yon. Pinatulan ka niya?” ulit niya.

“I have the same question about you picking Brent too.” I arched my brow.

Mabilis na nag-iba ang ekspresyon niya. He was getting flushed, but at the same time, he’s determined.

Ngumisi ako lalo. “You know you have a lot of choices, Shiloh. I’ll name one?” tukso ko.

Nag-isip isip siya at ayaw pansinin ang panunukso ko.

“Maraming nagkakagusto kay Rade. Suplado. Pero sobrang talino. Siya ang pinaka seryoso kaya parang hindi kapani-paniwala na papatulan ka niya. Baka si Verena pa.” He was determined to tease me as well.

Verena, huh?

I cockily cleared my throat and flashed my smile. “Well, I got him…”

His expression became more judgy. “Magkaibigan nga kayo ni Brent.”

Humalakhak ako. “’Yang boyfriend mong ulol na ulol sa’yo.”

Shiloh was slightly embarrassed that he glanced at the door, checking if Rick was already there.

“Hindi pa kami.”

I tried to fire more words, but he reached for my lips to cover them when Rick was now nearing.

“Ano ’yan?” tanong ni Rick at ibinigay kay Shiloh ang mug.

Umiling si Shiloh, ayaw pa ring alisin ang kamay sa bibig ko. Umupo si Rick sa gilid ng aking lounger at marahas na pinisil ang hita ko. Sumabog ang hagalpak ko at pinigilan ang kamay ni Rick pero nanggigigil niya iyong pinisil. Tumawa si Shiloh at sumimsim sa kape niya, natutuwa sa ginagawa ni Rick sa akin.

“Mainit pa,” puna ni Rick.

“Akin na, Shiloh. Hihipan ko.” I tried to reach him jokingly, but Rick pinched my leg even more, and I ended up laughing again when the tickle traveled throughout my body.

Nagising na rin ang ibang boys pati na rin ang mga girls at tanging si Brent nalang ang tulog kaya biniro biro pa nila Tyler at Ronan si Shiloh na gisingin si Brent. We all know what would happen. May bulkang sasabog.

On the next few days, I was more persistent about checking up with my siblings through video calls. Sa phone ako ni Riri madalas tumawag lalo na’t sa iPad ni Jester, walang messenger at account. He hates taking calls or something that would interrupt his games. Papatayin agad ang tawag.

Ang sabi ni Lala, kahit mga tawag ni Mommy kay Jester ayaw niyang ini-entertain. He would only stick his attention to his iPad. Meanwhile, Riri was the sweetest. She would always entertain Mom’s call, like Lala said. But she would not try to call Mom in the middle of work. She would only wait for her to come home so she could rant about her days.

“Kaya pa ba ’to sa schedules mo, Mav? Kaya ko naman ang mga kapatid mo. Trabaho ko naman ’yon. Hindi ko naman sila papabayaan dito sa bahay,” si Lala pagkatapos noong video call na iyon.

“Babyahe ka pa rito. Ilang oras din ’yon. Tapos babalik ka pa diyan. Nakakapagod din ’yon. Dinadala ko naman sila minsan sa playground kaso si Jester talagang matigas kumbinsihin. Kaya kahit gustong maglaro ni Riri sa labas, hindi pwede kasi ayaw ni Jester lumabas. Eh hindi ko rin maiwanan dito…” patuloy niya, medyo nag-aalala sa binabalak ko.

“Ayos lang, Lala. Kaya ko naman.”

She looked at me worriedly. “Iba pa naman si Jester, Mav… Napapansin ko pag hindi niya nakukuha sa isang beses ang gusto niya, itutulak niya na. Aayawan niya na. May tampo pa yata si Jester kasi walang sumipot sa family day niya. Eh may exam ka ’di ba no’n? Tapos class hour din kasi no’n ni Riri kaya hindi ko maiwanan.”

Tahimik akong nakinig. I haven’t…thought of this being this heavy. I knew it was heavy, but I took it lightly. I didn’t react. I tried to brush it off. But to know that my siblings were suffering and it showed, my siblings cannot carry this. I may have carried mine to show I’m fine, but they were too little to…carry this.

“Kaya siguro kahit noong umuwi ka rito hindi na rin sumama sa inyo ni Riri. Nagtatampo, Mav…”

Tumango ako. I noticed it too.

“Wala naman akong problema sa kapatid mong babae, si Riri. Pero ano lang siya…madaldal. Sigu-sigundo, gusto niya, may kausap. Si Jester kasi, hindi niya makausap. Nagmumukmok sa kuwarto. Ako naman, may ginagawa dito sa bahay niyo.”

“Pakisave ’yung contacts na f-in-orward ko, Lala. Ilagay mo sa messages niya para mahanap niya agad.”

“Sige. Sino ba ’yon? Mga kaibigan mo? ’Yung nakasalamin ang madalas niyang ka FaceTime eh. Medyo kabado nga ako doon, Mav. Noong sinilip ko ang call, gumagawa yata ’yon ng assignments tapos nakikipag FaceTime si Riri. Baka nakakadisturbo na si Riri…”

That’s Rade, for sure.

“Ano bang kinukwento ni Riri?”

“Kahit ano ano lang. Minsan hindi ko kasi nababantayan. Pag sinabi kasi kay Riri na busy ka at huwag disturbohin, umiiyak. ’Yun ’yung dahilan kaya nasira ’yung phone niya eh. Pinagsabihan ko kasi, Mav… ’Yun kasi habilin ng mommy niya. Huwag ka raw dinidisturbo.”

She really doesn’t call me. Well, she would only forward voice messages telling me how much she missed me and Daddy.

“Kaya noong iba iba ’yung tinatawagan niya, hindi ko na nasaway. Natakot ako baka ihampas niya ulit. Hinayaan ko nalang,” si Lala.

I leave a voice message for Riri while I’m preparing for school. This time, I wasn’t waiting for her to message me anymore. Nauuna na akong magmessage.

“I’ll call you once I have my break time later, Riri…” iyon ang sabi ko.

Nagsend agad siya ng voice message ilang minuto ang makalipas habang abala akong magsuot ng sapatos.

“Kuya, what time? Lala doesn’t want me to bring my phone in classes. She said the teacher will get mad. I have classes, kuya. But I’m not busy. You can call me.”

Natawa ako sa term niya. But she was so cute, telling me she wasn’t busy at all and that she would make time for me.

“I’ll call you once you’re out of the class. Concentrate on your school.”

“Okay! Concentrate on your school, too, Kuya. But if you want to call me, call me, okay? I’ll tell the teacher I’ll answer it and come out. Lala is just outside. I will answer your call, Kuya.”

“You’ll get distracted, Riri. How about I’ll call after…” Nag-isip isip ako kung ano bang oras available ako.

I have some free time at six p.m. before my evening class starts. Pero nakakatulog na siya no’n, katulad ng sabi ni Lala dahil sa pagod buong araw at sa aga niya gumising. Kung babyahe naman ako doon pauwi araw-araw, sa six hours sa isang araw, dalawang major subject ko na ’yon. May vacant time nga, two hours. Ayos sana kung isang hakbang lang, Batangas agad. Kaso hindi.

Sunday is the only day I could make time for them so we could bond. Fuck. The upcoming midterm would really grill my ass.

So in order to at least make her happy without being physically present, I texted Rade to meet him. Gagong ’to. Hindi ko alam kung nagpapatakam sa akin, o gusto talagang hinahabol!

Mavric:

Riri is getting impatient. Let’s meet ASAP.

Knowing kids…they’re impatient. He’d buy this excuse.

An hour later, he replied. Ako naman ang hindi agad nakareply at umabot pa iyon ng dalawang oras dahil tutok na tutok ako sa ginagawa ko.

Rade:

Saturday.

I groaned at my seat in front of my laptop. May ginagawa akong school work sa isang minor subject pero naiistress ako sa pagpapakipot nitong isang ’to!

Mavric:

I have plans on Sat. Busy. Tomorrow. ASAP.

I know he’s an engineering student. Busy din naman ako. Nagsusunog na ako ng kilay rito dahil ayoko namang pumailalim ngayong midterms, pero kung makaasta siya, parang nasa ibang bansa at ang hirap hirap malapitan!

“Dude, I’m so drained,” reklamo ni Tyler na kanina pa nasa gilid ko, may ginagawa rin sa laptop niya at may mga papers pa sa gilid na nagkalat.

“Tuyong tuyo nga ako,” reklamo ko. “Magiging desyerto na ako, Tyler.”

Humalakhak siya. “Once this midterm is fucking over, let’s hit Siargao, Mav.”

“I have other plans…” I murmured.

“You dropped Alessa, right? Dude. Who’s your main chick at the moment? You got back on pursuing Chloe?” tanong niya habang abala sa laptop.

Uuwi ako, Tyler. Tang ina. Wala bang pamilya ang isang ’to at pakiramdam niya puro babae ang aatupagin ko?

Mas lalo akong humiga sa upuan ko, kulang nalang matunaw. Tuyong tuyo talaga ako. Thank God it wasn’t summer, or else I’d really pass as a desert. My living water is just so out of reach!

My phone beeped. Tyler was a bit busy on his laptop, but then he glanced at the screen of my phone, wanting to check it.

“How’s Kael?” tapik ko sa kanya.

His attention immediately got distracted. I smirked at him while my other hand naturally reached for my phone, slipping it into my pants.

“Gano’n pa rin.” He grinned.

And speaking of, a group of the same students went into the cafe with their laptops and papers as if they were trying to find a place to study and make their school work too. They were five overall, three men and two girls.

My eyes drifted to the tall, snobbish Rade, who naturally found my eyes. Kahit nakasalamin, talagang tumatagos ang lamig sa titig niya na nagpapalala ng pagiging suplado niya.

Tyler was so busy on his laptop, but then he caught a glimpse of who just went in as well, making glances at the girls until his eyes caught the boys.

“Tejano ’di ba ’yang nakasalamin? Itinuro ’yan ni Ronan sa akin. Kapatid daw ni Chloe. ’Yan ’yon?” he confirmed.

I nodded casually without giving too much attention to it and put my attention back on my laptop. Siniko ako ni Tyler.

“Mag hi ka naman sa bayaw mo,” he playfully said.

I laughed a bit and glanced at Rade again. Nahuli ko ang tingin niyang tiningnan si Tyler at seryosong tumingin ulit sa akin. I bit my lower lip while smiling at Tyler’s teasing and being entertained by the way he would glance my way. What were you thinking again, huh?

Chapter 12

Bend

Tumahimik na si Tyler nang inukupa nila ang kabilang table na malapit sa amin lalo na’t iyon din ang natitirang bakante. The girls were glancing at us while doing their things until they looked at each other meaningfully and elbowed each other.

I didn’t pay attention to it. I know that it wasn’t a secret when I pursued Chloe. Everyone knew about it. But then I didn’t think some would make it a big deal like…oh I forgot. I’m a varsity player, part of Brent’s circles, and a rumored playboy. Idagdag pang kasama ko ang isa ring matinik, mas lalo lang malala ang reputasyon ko dito.

I clicked my neck to get back to my laptop while Rade and the boys were now occupying the seats too. Umupo si Rade sa gilid ng babae at binuksan ang laptop niya habang ang iba sa kanila ay may pinagkakaabalahan din agad sa iPad na dala.

Tyler concentrated on his laptop too, but then he was now glancing at his phone second by second. I reached for my drink, and it’s already empty. May natitira pa akong sandwich pero mas gusto kong uminom.

“Mag-oorder ka pa?” tanong ko at tiningnan ang drink ni Tyler na paubos na rin.

He was busy on his phone, so he only took his wallet out of his pocket and give it to me.

“Bumili kana doon,” ani Tyler.

Rade, who was busy on his laptop, took his eyes off me. Tumingin siya sa inilahad na pitaka ni Tyler. I don’t know what’s the deal, but I took it, of course.

Tumayo ako at nagtungo sa counter para mag-order. I also took my phone out of my pocket to check if he replied.

Rade:

I can’t. I have other things to do tomorrow.

Iyon ang reply niya kanina. Isinilid ko ulit sa pants ang aking phone at nag-isip isip kung paano siya mapapapayag. But then, I have other things to do too. Hindi pa tapos ang activities ko.

I ordered another drink for us and added another dessert. Though I’m not really a fan of sweets, it’s nice to have some sugar as a side snack.

Bumalik ako sa table pagkatapos. Nag-iinat na si Tyler at nasa Facebook na ang laptop niya. I think he’s done, or he’s just trying to kill some time.

“Saan ka this Saturday?” tanong niya, marahil ay naalala ang pagtanggi ko kanina.

Umupo ako at inilapag sa table ang wallet niya.

“Batangas. As usual. Lend me your BMW,” sabi ko.

Rade’s eyes moved to look at us again. He was talking and explaining things to his friends while showing the screen of his laptop, but he still managed to look at me for a second.

“Ako nalang ang sakyan mo, Mav. Total parang ikaw naman lagi ang parang sinasakyan ko,” biro ni Tyler kaya humalakhak ako.

“Makakaabot tayo ng Batangas niyan. Basta bilisan mo lang,” he joked even more until we were both laughing about it.

The girls glanced our way, probably a bit distracted by our chuckling. Tyler and I controlled our laughter while Rade was now looking at us too.

“Papahiramin kita but in one condition,” biglang sabi ni Tyler.

Nangingiti ko siyang tiningnan, ganado kung ano man ’yang ilalapag niya.

“Bukas dude. Samahan mo ako.”

“Saan ka pupunta?” tanong ko.

“I’ll check our properties. Pwedeng doon na rin tayo magpalipas ng gabi tapos umuwi lang tayo around six nang umaga.”

In our circle, Tyler was the richest of the kids. May mga kaya naman kaming lahat. My parents jobs were both stable. My father earns six digits monthly, while my mom earns almost half his salary. We could afford things and even travel. It wasn’t hard to pick big universities since we could afford them too. Or we could easily buy some things we want.

But Tyler’s case is different. He’s rich rich. Ginagawa nga naming bank account ’to sa grupo dahil six digits lagi ang laman monthly at nahihirapan siyang gastusin minsan. His parents own big businesses, and they have big properties not just here in Luzon, but I know they have them in Cebu and Davao too. He’s like our one call away when we need some cash because he can easily provide it.

“Hindi ko alam anong itatayo doon. Should I build a house?” wala sa sariling tanong ni Tyler.

“Business,” I suggested.

Ngumiwi siya. “Business? My yatch in Cebu is quite earning big. Pinapa rentahan ko ’yon eh. Tatlo ’yon.”

“Gawin mong rest house. Para doon tayo paminsan minsan,” agap ko.

Tyler thought of it for a while. “Dude, may binili akong maliit na resort sa Samal. Nasa Davao. Balak ko ngang pumunta sa Siargao para tumingin din ng properties doon.”

We were both thinking thoroughly about his land until my phone vibrated. Tulala na si Tyler kaya kinuha ko ang phone ko at tiningnan ang screen. It’s Rade.

Tumingin ako saglit sa table nila at tumayo na pala siya, nandoon na sa counter.

Rade:

Tomorrow then.

“Evander,” tawag ng babae sa akin sa counter para sa aking order.

Tumayo rin ako at hindi muna nagtype ng reply. Tomorrow? Akala ko ba busy siya? At may lakad kami ni Tyler. Hindi ako mapapahiram ng kotse niya kung hindi ako sasama bukas.

Pagdating ko sa counter para kunin ang order, tumingin ako kay Rade. He glanced at me too.

“Tomorrow,” he said quietly.

Umangat ang kilay ko, tumingin saglit sa table namin ni Tyler na abala na sa phone saka ko muling tiningnan si Rade.

“I’m busy tomorrow,” rason ko.

“If you won’t show up tomorrow, then don’t show up forever.”

My jaw dropped. Gago?

I wanted to talk more, but he had already walked back to their table with their orders. Natulala ako saglit pero bumalik din sa table na iyon na ang iniisip ko.

May lakad kami ni Tyler bukas. Kung hindi ako sasama, anong sasakyan ko? Magcocommute? Ayoko masyado magbus. Nakakahilo. At anong oras pa ba ’yon aalis? Masasayang ang oras ko.

Kung kailan may lakad, saka siya sisingit at mamadaliin ako! Tang ina niya. Ang ilap ilap sa akin, pero ganito naman ka demanding pag siya na.

Nagtipa ako ng mensahe kay Rade na busy ulit sa laptop niya habang kumakain na ang kasama niya.

Mavric:

May gagawin ako bukas.

Nakita kong dinampot ni Rade ang phone niya at nagtype ng reply.

Rade:

You drop it.

I scoffed unbelievably. Sumandal ako sa upuan at nakangising nagtipa ng mensahe kahit nanggigigil na naman ako.

“Ang guwapo niya talaga pag lumalabas ang dimple niya. Lagi pang ngumingiti,” I heard the girls on their tables giggling.

Mavric:

I just can’t.

Rade:

That’s my condition. Tomorrow.

I clicked my tongue against the side of my mouth. Tumingin ako sa table nila Rade. He stood up and told them he’d be going to the comfort room.

Noong tumayo na siya patungo roon, sigundo ang nakalipas, nagpasya din akong tumayo at tinapik ang balikat ni Tyler.

“Cr lang,” sabi ko.

Tyler nodded without taking his eyes off his phone. Mabilis ang lakad ko patungo sa banyo. Pagkapasok ko, naabutan ko pa si Rade na kinakalas ang belt ng pants niya at nakatayo na roon sa cubicle.

I cleared my throat and walked toward his side. He glanced at me while taking his shaft out. I unbuckled my belt too, glancing at him and taking mine out as well.

“How about later?” I suggested.

“I have things to do…” he explained.

My eyes drifted down his legs. Bumaba rin ang tingin niya sa akin.

“I have things to do tomorrow too,” agap ko.

His eyes went back to my eyes. “It’s nonsense. Drop it.”

Tumawa ako. “Ah…snooping around again? Scared I’d be with my boy toy you were suspecting?” I teased.

“If you want my time, learn to follow my terms,” he demanded.

He was already done pissing. Umalis siya sa tabi ko at naghugas na ng kamay. I shook mine and put it back in my pants, zipping it again. Naglakad ako agad sa sink at tumabi sa kanya, tiningnan siya sa salamin.

“I’ll just bring Riri’s present tomorrow and hand it over to you. That’s it. We could meet in the library. After my class.”

“Hindi ako magl-library bukas. Magkita nalang tayo sa cafe. After my class.”

Tumawa ako. “Cafe? Ano ’yan, magkakape pa tayo? May lakad ako. I can’t stay that long.”

“Then you choose which is important. Or I could video call your sister and tell her I haven’t received the present yet…”

My smirk was now kissing my lips with a hint of annoyance. He really has his ways of pushing things according to his terms. He likes being this superior. He liked it when he was holding me on my throat. He likes being in the upper hand all the time.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the side of the sink, glancing at him.

“You’re craving for me?” tanong ko. “You’re quite demanding for my time.”

“I thought you were the one who wanted my attention here?” he fired back, more insulting.

Humalakhak ako. “I’m just doing it for Riri this time. ’Yun lang ang kailangan ko sa’yo ngayon.”

He arched his brow and shifted his position. Nasa harap ko na siya ngayon. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa espasyong namamagitan sa amin. If I pulled him more, I’d feel him there.

“Why? He satisfies you?” he taunted and leaned a bit. This time, I could really feel him.

The heat immediately rushed throughout my body. He pressed it more until my pants tightened, and we both know he aroused me.

He slightly smirked, satisfied. “You were playing around behind my back. If you want to be my fuck buddy so much, drop them first. I hate sharing.”

I chuckled lightly and pulled his waist so he would press it more. Kinagat ko ang labi at bahagyang gumalaw. I was watching it while he seemed so satisfied to see that I was really thirsty for him.

“How about later?” namamaos kong bulong.

“Tomorrow,” he said with finality.

I groaned and closed my eyes. My hand was now resting on the side of the sink while my other hand gripped his waist. He pressed it so hard that I opened my eyes and looked at him helplessly with my smile.

“Damn you, really…”

“Like it?” he asked, pressing himself more.

I closed my left eye while my smile was still kissing my lips. His eyes drifted to my lips. Umangat ang isang kamay niya at hinawakan ang panga ko.

“You know how to suck now?” he asked, shoving his two fingers in my mouth.

I kept my playful smirk while I let my tongue play with his fingers. Rade watched me with lust and I could feel him throbbing against me.

I was now dry-fucking him, grinding against the bulge in his pants and swirling my tongue against his fingers. His eyes were blazing with fire, and I know he’s also affected.

But then, he might have so much control over him that he pulled himself away from me. I shut my eyes and grazed my tongue against my lower lip, my heavy breath picking up. Damn this… He’s playing hard to get. Damn this!

“Tomorrow. Don’t forget,” rinig ko ang tinig niya habang naglalakad na palabas.

Dumilat ako at tiningnan ang pants ko. Fuck. The tent. It’s bulging. I looked at Rade, who was now at the door. He glanced at me, slightly smirking, looked at my pants, and left.

I took my phone out and typed a reply.

Mavric:

Fuck you

Rade:

I did. Remember?

This motherfucker really.

Humarap ako sa sink at nagpasyang maghilamos. Fuck him, really. Ilang minuto tuloy akong nagmukmok sa banyo para pakalmahin ang sarili saka ako lumabas. I didn’t stay on the table anymore and told Tyler we’d now go.

“Ano? Bakit?” si Tyler nang sabihin kong ayaw kong sumama sa kanya.

“May gagawin pala ako. May inuutos si Riri,” sabi ko habang pabalik na kami sa school.

His face calmed down. He immediately bought my excuse since it was about my sister. Meanwhile, I was so pent-up about what happened at the cafe that the next thing I did as soon as I got into my apartment was to fucking touch myself.

I haven’t done this for a while. I thought I was over this phase. But then, I remembered the lust in his eyes. I have an effect on him. He likes it. He wants it. Maybe I just needed to fuel it more. I just needed to make him crave for me…

Pag talaga nakaisa ako sa kanya, sisiguraduhin kong isang taon niya akong hindi makakalimutan. Even during the new year, the fireworks would remind him of me, and even the fountains at school would haunt him for what I was planning to do to him. Hindi ko talaga siya titigilan. I might even do it countless times just to satisfy my ego he crushed.

Mga hapon na kinabukasan noong s-in-end niya sa akin ang location. It’s a cafe. Ayaw niya ba sa hotel? Sabi ni Tyler maganda raw sa Ermita ah?

I was eager to dress up. Naligo ako at halos iligo rin ang mamahalin kong pabango na Dior Sauvage sa katawan ko.

Noong hinawakan ko na ang drawing ni Riri, halos humiwalay ang matinding pagnanasa sa akin. My sister was making me do some wholesome things, and there’s her brother imagining getting sucked by her new-found friend.

Pumasok ako sa cafe na tinutukoy niya paglabas ng taxi mga bandang five p.m. at nakita ko agad siya roon na nakaupo na habang abala sa kanyang phone. He was wearing a navy blue dress shirt, while his glasses made him look serious and intimidating as usual.

He lifted his head. I walked toward him while I could vividly see how he shamelessly checked me out. I just wore a plain buttoned-down white shirt, some denim pants, and white Nike shoes.

But then, I know I always have that air I exude. That air that could take someone’s eyes followed me thirstily. He might not be thirsty right now, but with how intense his gaze is on me, I wanna think he got some flashbacks of our heated night.

I smirked at him and dragged the chair roughly, putting the envelope on the table. He took his card out of his wallet and was about to hand it to me.

“My call. I have money,” I said and stood.

Dumeritso na ako sa counter at hindi nagpapigil pa. He only followed me with his serious eyes. Does he think I’ll let him pay for me? Akala niya siguro nakakalimutan kong binayaran niya ako last time?

I only ordered some juice and a sandwich. Kakatapos ko lang namang kumain at busog na busog pa. Pampagana lang habang umuupo nang may makagat kagat.

I went back to the stool and occupied my seat. May orders na siya. It’s a strawberry frappe. Strawberry?

He sipped on it while I lazily rested my elbow on the table and looked at him curiously.

Lalakeng lalake tingnan si Rade. He could even pass as model-like with his intimidating expression. ’Yung madalas nasa Penshoppe na mga lalake. Pero mukhang ayaw nito sa atensyon.

My eyes drifted to the strawberry he was sipping.

“You like that?” I asked curiously.

“Your sister recommended. I just tried.”

“Really? What does it taste like?”

He stopped sipping it and extended his arm. Akala ko ibibigay niya. Ngunit nanatili ang hawak niya roon.

“Take a sip.”

Oh wow. He really likes being in charge. So I smiled cockily and crouched a bit, my eyes never leaving him, as I opened my mouth and sipped on it. Sumisilay ang ngisi sa labi ko habang umiinom at tamad niyang inilagay ang kamao sa gilid ng kanyang ulo, nanatili ang titig sa akin, ayaw bitiwan ang hawak na frappe.

He likes this, huh? He likes being in control of things. He likes having the upper hand.

“Is this your kink?” tanong ko pagkatapos uminom doon at dinilaan ang gilid ng labi.

“You like being in charge so much…” I murmured.

Hindi niya pinansin ang bagay na iyon at inilapag ang frappe saka kinuha ang envelope para tingnan ang regalo ni Riri sa kanya. He opened it and took out the white paper where Riri drew him a strawberry…uh…cake?

“That’s a cake, right?” I asked.

Tumango siya habang malambot ang titig niya sa drawing na iyon. I tilted my head to see his expression more. He likes the drawing despite not showing too much expression.

“Your parents don’t give you cakes?” I opened up about Riri’s story.

Tumingin siya sa akin.

“Busy,” he flatly answered.

Natatawa akong sumandal sa table. “Did you get your preference from the cake you cannot blow?”

Hindi siya natablan doon. Ngumiti ako lalo para maasar siya.

“Do you want something to blow? I have it here…” biro ko at tumawa, pero kung seseryosohin niya, mas maganda.

“I want your mouth in mine, not my mouth in yours,” he countered seriously.

Pinasadahan ko ng haplos ang buhok at natatawa iyong hinawakan. He’s driving me nuts. I haven’t done it yet. And I don’t think I would ever do it. Can I even suck? How does that even work?

If I sucked him off, he’d fuck my mouth. Para na ring ako ang dehado ulit. After he fucked my ass, I’ll let him fuck my mouth too? I’m not even sure if that shit would be a pleasure.

“Sure. But in one condition. You’d bend for me,” hamon ko.

Chapter 13

Dreams

Naalala ko agad ang habilin ni Riri kaya kinuha ko ang phone palabas sa bulsa at pinindot ang camera.

“She wants a photo with you and her simple gift. Now look at the camera and smile.” Itinapat ko ang phone ko sa kanya.

Rade looked at the camera with his usual cold expression. Ipinaharap niya ang drawing at hindi nagbago ang ekspresyon.

“Hindi ka ba marunong ngumiti? Tatakutin mo ba ang kapatid ko?”

He tried to relax a bit and leaned against the chair while holding both sides while his gaze intensified at the camera.

Ngumuso ako. I clicked on it because, despite the cold demeanor, he was acing it effortlessly. He’s good-looking. Not the usual good-looking men. He’s…dominantly good-looking.

Ito ’yung sinasabi ni Tyler na standard ng mga girls na mahilig sa bad boy looking. He looked like he’d wreck someone else’s pussy because of how intense his cold eyes were.

Well, Maverick. He does wreck some asses too.

I wonder what kind of men he likes. Based on my experience, I think he likes men who are submissive. Someone who would worship him. Someone who kneels for him. Someone he could control and put his hand on their throats like he owned them.

I sent the photo to Riri right away. Baka bukas niya na ’to makita lalo na’t malapit na rin ang bedtime niya.

“So… you found another fuck buddy this time?” I opened up.

“Why are you so curious about my sex life?” He took the frappe and sipped on it.

My lips stretched. Nangingiti akong tumingin sa kanya. “Why don’t you drop your fuck buddy and get me? I mean…you’ve tried it with me.”

“You’re going home this week?” he diverted the topic.

Here we fucking go again. Bagot akong humalukipkip at tiningnan siya.

“Sort of.”

Tumango siya. “That’s good. You should.”

I lost my mood right away and looked at my phone to check on the messages. I don’t really like him talking about these kinds of topics.

Nang binuksan ko ang aking Facebook, agad kong naisip ang account niya.

“What’s your Facebook?” tanong ko.

Naninimbang ang titig niya. Ilang sandali lang, inilahad niya ang kamay niya.

I handed my phone to him as I watched him manipulate it. Ilang sandali lang, tumunog ang phone ko hanggang sa bumalandra ang call ni Tyler.

Rade stared at my screen like he had seen something so low. He clicked the end call button and continued what he’d been doing earlier. My phone beeped until Tyler’s text showed up.

Tyler:

Dude, ayaw mo talagang sumama sa akin? I’ll fetch you. Where are you?

“Marami kayo sa circles ah? Why don’t he bother your other friends?” ani Rade.

“Close kami sa lahat. We like bothering each other.”

He didn’t give too much reaction, but he was now concentrating on my phone. Hinihintay ko siyang matapos para ma-reply-an si Tyler pero nakilog-in pa siya at doon binuksan ang Facebook niya.

I boredly looked at him. My type of woman was the model-like type of girl. Clean. Slender. Sexy. And tall. I’ve been doing some high-maintenance girls since I was in high school up until now.

Now that I changed my preference, I realize he’s just the male version of Chloe. Clean. Hot. Tall. And well…I don’t think I could even date men like him.

I haven’t thought of it yet. What I really want is just the pleasure he could give me. But dating…I’m not sure. Parang iba na yata kung ganoon na. It’s deep, and it should involve feelings. But if he wants a relationship with me so I can keep him as a fuck buddy, I’ll dive into it. Why not? We could fuck all day? All night?

“Have you tried having a girlfriend?” tanong ko habang abala siya sa phone ko.

Tumingin siya sa akin. “I’m not like you.”

I chuckled. “Ah…then boyfriends? And…what’s your type? Men like me?”

He arched his brow, but he only took his eyes back to the screen of my phone.

“Who’s your boy toy at the moment?” he asked.

“Why do you want to know that part? I’ll drop him if that’s your concern. Hindi kita ipagsasabay sa kanya, don’t worry.” I smiled.

He watched me dominantly. “And you want to be the top?”

I laughed. “Don’t you want to try it? Being the bottom?”

“With those lame moves of yours? You think you’d turn me on with that?”

Man…this is so frustrating. I could sense it. He wanted me to beg for it. He wanted me to show him how much I wanted him. He likes seeing me as submissive.

He was fucking with my ego all this time, wrecking it. It satisfies him when I’m like this.

And the worst feeling here is that if I dropped him off right now, he wouldn’t care less. Tapos ako, tuyong tuyo na rito. Paano ang sex life ko? I was having a hard time pleasuring myself lately, and I only want him. He’s the satisfaction I wanted.

Tyler:

No BMW for you.

I rolled my eyes when Saturday came, and it was Tyler’s first message. Paano ba naman, kahapon, ang tagal kong nakareply sa kanya dahil nag Facebook pa si Rade sa phone ko. He just took his time manipulating my phone and decided to go home, telling me he needed to finish some activities and telling me to go home too.

Ngayon, ang dami ko na tuloy ginagawa na activities. But then, my mood was kind of light because of Riri’s voice message.

“Kuya. Thank you! Come home, okay? I’ll make pancakes for you!”

Mamayang hapon nalang siguro ako babyahe? Magb-bus ako? Fuck it. Hindi naman matampuhin itong si Tyler pero iba ’to pag umayaw din. Hindi natitibag.

I checked the time, and it was already 4 p.m. Tapos hindi pa ako nangangalahati sa gagawin ko. Mga eight siguro…ayos na ’yon para bumyahe pauwi? Tapos babalik nalang ako bukas ng hapon dito?

I tried to relax my body. Tomorrow is Sunday. Nandoon na si Mommy sa bahay. Pero minsan may lakad din kasi ’yon kahit Sunday. Kung bukas naman ako uuwi, may gagawin din ako sa isa kong subject at ipapasa na sa lunes ’yon. The only choice I have here is to do all of it today.

But I told Jester I’d come home on Saturday. How about I tell him I’ll come home tomorrow?

I called Riri for a FaceTime. It’s just five. Hindi pa siya tulog.

“Kuya?” Humikab siya at napansin kong nasa kuwarto na siya, nakahiga.

“Where is Jester?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Do you want to talk to him? I’ll give the phone to him?”

“Can you?”

Tumango siya at umalis sa kama niya. She was now in her long-sleeve sleeping dress while her medium-length hair was already down, showing waves like mine.

“Jester?” tawag niya at bukas sa kuwarto. “Kuya, he’s not in his room. I’ll go downstairs…”

Nakita ko ang camera na tinatahak niya na ang hagdan.

“Riri? Bakit ka lumabas? Nauuhaw ka?” tanong ni Lala na sinalubong siya.

“Kuya is calling. He’s looking for Jester,” aniya at kinusot ang kaliwang mata niya.

“Jest! Jest! Tumatawag ang kuya mo!” si Lala na lumapit sa may pinto.

Riri followed her and positioned the camera outside. Nakita ko roon si Jester, nakaupo at tila ba may hinihintay.

“Riri. Ibigay mo nga.”

Riri walked toward him.

“Diyan lang kayo ha! Nagsasaing ako!” si Lala at mukhang tumakbo na pabalik sa kusina.

“Jest…” Riri handed the phone until his scowling expression showed.

“If that’s Kuya, tell him I won’t answer calls. He will only make excuses not to come home,” rinig ko ang masungit niyang tinig.

“But take the call. Kuya told me to give you the phone. Take it.” Bigay ni Riri sa kanya.

“Ayoko nga!” Jester shouted and pushed the phone until the camera shook.

Nakita ko ang background na dumidilim na langit. Ilang sandali lang, dumungaw si Riri at nag-aalala iyong kinuha at namatay pa ang tawag.

I sighed. How am I supposed to finish all of my activities and pass them on time if I’m going home tonight?

Isa pa, magb-bus ako ngayon. Matatagalan din ako. Baka pag-uwi ko, tulog na si Jester. Ang pangit naman kung iuuwi ko sa bahay ang mga gagawin ko?

My phone beeped again. I answered it problematically while I’m still thinking thoroughly.

“Riri—” my words were cut off by someone’s familiar voice.

“You’re not going home?”

I rolled my eyes. “I have so many things to do. Why?”

“What things? Where are you?” si Rade sa kabilang linya.

“Here. In my place. Doing some school-related stuff for fucking midterms.”

“Where’s your place?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Why?”

“I’ll lend you my motorbike. This is easy to use, so you could go home right away.”

Umangat ang kilay ko. Really? He’s lending me his motorbike?

“And… I’ll do those activities of yours,” he continued, his voice a bit fading because of his whisper.

Mas lalong umangat ang kilay ko. “What?” I chuckled.

“Send your address. Now. Pack your things and go home.” He ended the call.

What?

Medyo natulala ako ng ilang sigundo ngunit wala sa sarili ko ring itinipa ang address sabay ng building ng aking apartment dito sa Bonifacio at i-si-nend ko iyon sa kanya.

Kinuha ko ang aking duffel bag at nilagyan iyon ng kaonting gamit para sa susuotin ko pauwi bukas. Litong lito ako ngunit nagkaroon pa rin ako ng oras na magbihis.

I only wore a black hoodie jacket and pants. I transferred the files to the USB drive he was talking about until I received his message five minutes later.

Rade:

Come down.

I sighed. Why is my mind built this way? And he’s really bossy.

Nagmadali akong bumaba at pumunta sa parking lot. And right there, I’ve seen him. He was leaning against his black motorbike while he’s wearing a sleeveless black shirt and black sweatpants. Nakaipit sa gilid niya ang hawak niyang itim na helmet at nakabulsa ang kamay sa kabila.

My brow arched when I noticed he wasn’t wearing his glasses while his hair was brushed backwards. And phew… the muscles of his biceps.

Inihagis niya sa akin ang helmet na agad kong sinalo. Umalis siya sa pagkakasandal doon at lumapit sa akin.

“USB.” He handed his hand to me.

Dinukot ko sa aking hoodie at inilahad sa kanya. Ibinigay niya rin ang susi ng kanyang motorbike.

“It’s full tank. Call me tomorrow. I’ll pick it up here.”

Wala sa sarili kong tinanggap ang susi niya. He’s really serious? I mean…it’s now happening, but…he’s really gonna do my activities?

And what’s this? He was willing to do my activities, but not me? At mauuna ko pang masakyan ang motorbike niya kaysa sa kanya?

“Anong kapalit nito?” tanong ko.

He arched his brow. “May kapalit ba ang paghiram mo ng kotse sa kaibigan mo?”

Tumawa ako at umiling. “Wala naman. But you and I are different. Are we…friends?”

“Get going. It’s almost six,” he urged, dismissing me.

Walang kapalit? He’s doing it for what? I was so clueless while I was already on his motorbike riding it. And he’s right. Kahit traffic, nakakalusot ako. It was more convenient to travel fast.

Rade confuses the fuck out of me. He’s willing to do my activities and lends his motorbike. Alam ko naman na nakikipag FaceTime si Riri sa kanya, pero…ano ’to? Naaawa siya?

It was already eight when I finally went home and beeped at our big gate. Ilang sandali lang, binuksan iyon ni Lala. Ipinasok ko ang motorbike at nakita agad si Jester na inaantok na nakaupo sa may hagdan ng terasa.

Nang mapagtanto niyang ako iyon, agaran siyang nabuhayan ng loob at napatayo.

“Kuya? Kuya!” nagmamadali siyang bumaba at tumakbo na sa akin.

Hinubad ko ang helmet at isinabit sa gilid ng motorbike habang nangingiting tumingin si Lala sa akin.

“Hindi ’yan nag iPad kakahintay sa’yo…”

“Kuya!” si Jester na agad niyakap ang baywang ko nang tuluyang makalapit.

I ruffled his hair and smiled. Mahigpit ang yakap ni Jester sa akin at ramdam ko ang malamig niyang katawan nang hinawakan ko ang kamay niya para makapasok na kami sa bahay. Baka…kung hindi ako umuwi, makakatulog siya sa hagdan kakahintay.

“Tulog na si Riri, Mav. Hindi na noon kaya hanggang seven eh,” ani Lala nang sumunod sa amin.

“Anong oras ba umuuwi si Mommy?”

“Ah minsan mga alas onse. Nagpapainit kasi siya ng tubig sa bath tub niya kaya nagigising ako ng ganoong oras.”

Tumango ako habang hinihila na ako ni Jester sa itaas.

“Ihahatid ko nalang ang pagkain mo, Mavric,” habol ni Lala lalo na’t pursigido si Jester na dalhin agad ako sa kuwarto niya.

Pagkapasok namin, nakita ko ang controller na mukhang hinanda niya na kanina pang umaga. He got an extra blanket for me too. Kahit ang sarili kong unan sa kuwarto ko, dinala niya rito at nasa tabi ng unan niya.

“I’ll wake up Riri!” maligalig na takbo niya palabas.

Gusto kong pigilan kaso ang bilis bilis niyang nawala. Bumuntonghininga ako at hinubad ang aking duffel bag sabay kuha ng aking phone. I clicked Rade’s number and call him.

Sinagot niya agad iyon. Hinaplos ko ang aking batok at medyo naipikit ang isa kong mata, ngayon lang tinubuan ng hiya sa lahat lahat.

“Hey. I know you’re also busy. Just leave my activities. I’ll do it tomorrow once I’ll go back,” namamaos kong sabi.

“I have some of your subjects too. It’s easy. I could finish all of this tonight.”

Umangat ang kilay ko. I know he’s smart since he radiates it, and Shiloh confirmed it too. Pero ang marinig na kaya niyang tapusin iyon buong gabi…medyo nakakamangha.

“Nakauwi kana?” he asked gently.

“Ah…yup. All thanks to your motorbike. Nalusutan ko agad ang traffic. Mabilis din akong nakadating.”

“I told you,” he said, sounding proud.

Ngumuso ako. I wanted to thank him, but I was having a hard time mouthing it. Sumunod agad ang mga yabag ng nagmamadaling pagtakbo ng mga kapatid ko papasok sa kuwarto.

“Kuya!” Riri screamed, who just woke up and ran to me.

Napayuko ako para salubungin ang paglapit niya. I carried her and smiled while she immediately hugged my nape.

“Kuya, let’s play!” si Jester na ganado nang kinuha ang controller habang pumapaibabaw na ang tunog ng madalas naming laruin sa buong kuwarto niya.

I took the phone back to my ear. Tumikhim ako.

“I’ll do this now. Focus on your siblings…” he said, turning the phone call off.

My shoulder loosened. But then I was immediately distracted by my siblings. Hinubad ko lang ang hoodie ko at tinira ang aking t-shirt habang nakikipaglaro na ako kay Jester. Riri was clinging onto me, lying on my chest while hugging me and yawning as she tried to watch the big flatscreen TV sleepily just so she could join us here.

And even Jester was already yawning too. Gusto kong patulugin na kaso pursigidong makipaglaro sa akin kaya hinayaan ko nalang muna. Iyon nga lang, ramdam kong antok na antok siya.

The last time we’ve done this was before my parents announced they’re divorcing. Noong nandito pa ako sa bahay. I don’t want my mind to be in the gutter; the first thing I did was to…runaway from it.

Hindi na gumagalaw ang player ni Jester kaya noong nilingon ko, nakapikit na siya. He only played with me for half an hour until his head fell on my sides and rested against my arm. Si Riri na nakahiga sa tiyan ko ay nakatulog na rin pala nang lingunin ko ang kanyang ulo sa aking balikat habang nakasandal ako sa headboard ng kama ni Jester.

Bumukas ang pinto at nadatnan ni Lala ang dalawa sa ganoong ayos. Nangingiti siyang tumingin sa amin at maingat na inilapag ang tray na may lamang pagkain sa bedside table.

“Hindi nila kayang magpuyat talaga kahit anong pilit nila,” ani Lala.

“Pakipatay nga ako ng TV, Lala.”

Tumango si Lala. Marahan kong kinuha ang controller sa kamay ni Jester at pinahiga siya nang maayos habang hinahawakan ko nang maigi si Riri para hindi madisturbo.

Kinuha ni Lala ang mga controller at itinabi iyon. Sinubukan kong ibaba si Riri sa aking gilid pero yumakap siya ng mahigpit at mukhang ayaw umalis doon.

I sighed for a while and patted her back to let her completely doze off to sleep before putting her back on the bed.

“Dito ka ba matutulog, Mav? O ihahanda ko ang kuwarto mo?” alok ni Lala.

“Baka dito na. Malaki naman ang kama ni Jester.”

Lala nodded and smiled. Ramdam ko na may gusto siyang sabihin pero dahil ayaw makadisturbo, hindi na nagsalita at maingat na lumabas.

Nang sumara ang pinto, idinikit ko ang labi sa ibabaw ng ulo ni Riri at natulala saglit. I was so busy escaping the house, trying to distract my mind in Manila so I wouldn’t think of my parents divorce, but no matter how I tried to escape it, it’s now showing on the surface.

Humingos ako at nagpasyang aliwin ang sarili ko sa phone. It’s still nine p.m. It’s too early to go to sleep. And I don’t want to visit some things in my mind and dwell on it.

I called Rade for some reason using FaceTime. Nilagay ko sa likod ng aking ulo ang aking kamay at nakita ang sarili sa dim na kuwarto ni Jester.

He answered it until I saw him in front of his laptop while he was wearing his glasses again. Tumingin siya saglit sa camera at napansin ang ulo ni Riri.

“You did my activities?” I asked to get his attention right away.

Tumango siya. “I corrected some of your answers too…”

I only chuckled, unable to say something. Isa lang naman ang sadya ko pero mahirap sabihin.

“You know, Riri might overshare things with you, but don’t overthink it. Hindi mo kailangang maawa. If you’re doing this because—”

“You’re welcome,” he cut me off, his eyes still glued to the screen of his phone.

“I mean…Riri might have told you some things, and…”

“Just drive safely,” agap niya.

I chuckled again. Fine.

Tahimik ko na lamang siyang pinanood. Tumingin siya sa camera, nakaangat ang kilay.

“You could borrow it weekly. I don’t really use it since I have a car. ’Yan ang gamitin mo nang mabilis kang makauwi at hindi na nanghihiram sa kung sino-sino.”

Kung sino-sino? Eh siya nga itong kung sino-sino dito. I am comfortable borrowing my friend’s car since we are very close. And how about him?

“Eh… ’yung may-ari? Kailan ko masasakyan?” singit ko nang mawala roon ang topic namin.

“In your dreams…” Rade answered nonchalantly and manipulated his laptop.

Chapter 14

Handle

Nagising ako kinaumagahan dahil sa pagtunog ng alarm ko naka set pala sa five a.m. dahil kay Riri. I slightly opened my eyes and saw Riri, who had just gotten up, panicked out of bed, and ran out of the room with her messy hair like a little penguin in a hurry.

Right. She woke up around five. I was still too lazy to pull myself out, but then my curiosity just knocked me out, pushing me out of bed.

I yawned and pulled the blanket to cover Jester’s body as I stood up and scratched my stomach.

Why is she so early? Bumaba na ako hanggang sa naririnig ko ang kaluskos sa kusina. Noong tuluyang makababa at dumeritso doon, nakita ko agad si Mommy na bihis na bihis at inaakay si Riri na yakap yakap na siya at humihikab habang nakasandal ang ulo sa kanyang balikat.

“Strawberry cake?” my mother asked, talking to her.

My shoulder loosened when I realized something. Gumigising siya nang maaga para…maabutan pa si Mommy?

Mom noticed me. She smiled while she was already dressed in a coat, and her hair was in a high ponytail. Mukhang kakain nalang at aalis na rin maya-maya.

“Oh? Nabanggit ni Lala na uuwi ka raw. Buti at nakauwi ka. Hindi ba’t midterms niyo na?” she asked.

Tumango ako at lumapit sa may table. She was having her coffee, and there was an egg and bacon on her plate.

“Wala kang masyadong ginagawa?” she asked more.

Umiling ako nang maalalang ang mga gagawin ko dapat ay may sumalo.

“Mom, it’s Sunday. You have work?” tanong ko.

“Oo meron. May aasikasuhin ako sa site. Noong narinig ko kay Lala na uuwi ka, medyo gumaan ang loob ko dahil alam kong matutuwa ang mga kapatid mo.”

She’s an architect. It was also the reason why I pursued my course because of my parents.

Inabot niya ang pitaka sa nakabukas na bag at binuksan iyon. She took a thousand bills and handed them to me.

“Ibili mo rin ng strawberry cake si Riri. ’Tsaka baka gusto niyong gumala tatlo,” aniya sabay abot ng ilang libong hindi ko halos mabilang.

I took it from her hand. She looked at me carefully.

“May allowance ka pa ba?” tanong niya at binuksan muli ang pitaka niya, kumukuha ng ilang libo ulit doon. “Here, Maverick. You might want to buy some things? New shoes for your basketball? You’re a varsity,” sabay abot niya ng ilang libo.

I took it from her hand again, nodding. She smiled and looked at Riri’s head resting on her shoulder who’s still yawning.

“Kunin mo kay kuya ang money mo, ha? Your five hundred is there too. But please, Riri. Don’t eat too much sweets. Babalik pa kayo ni Lala sa clinic mo to check your teeth. Your doctor might scold you…”

Riri was hardly responding while she was still half awake. Tiningnan ni Mommy ang kanyang pulso at napansin ang oras saka siya tumayo at kinuha ang mug niya, sumimsim lamang ng kaonti saka niya ibinaba at tiningnan ako, sinisenyasang kunin na si Riri.

I stood and went to her, taking my sister out of her arms. Sinubukan pang abutin ni Riri si Mommy ngunit lumalayo na, umiiling kay Riri at kinukuha ang kanyang bag.

“I’m gonna be late for work, Riri. Kuya is here. You will play with Kuya, okay?”

Riri nodded a little. “You are not busy, mommy?” she asked in her little voice.

“No…I’m not. I will just work.” Mommy smiled and caressed her cheek, kissing the side of her head.

Riri smiled beamingly. “Okay. Take care, mommy.”

Ngumiti si Mommy sa kanya at sa akin tumingin. I smiled a little. She tapped my shoulder and smiled too.

Kinuha ni Mommy ang bag niya at ang susi ng kotse sabay lakad palabas ng kusina at dinaanan saglit ang kuwarto ni Lala para katukin ito.

Sumunod ako kay Mommy hanggang lumalabas na siya patungong garahe. She was hastily walking to the driver’s seat of her own car while checking her watch from time to time.

Riri sighed and rested her head on my shoulder as we both watched her slip into the driver’s seat, smiling at us. Kumaway siya sa amin, nangingiti. I smiled a little and used my sister’s hand to wave back at Mom.

Inaliw ko nalang si Riri sa umagang iyon. It seems like she was used to it, but at the same time, she was trying to get used to it as she tried to adopt my mom’s time by waking up early just to be with her for a while.

Nagluluto na ng breakfast si Lala habang si Riri ay inaantok pa ng kaonti.

“Gano’n ang sinasabi ni ma’am kay Riri kasi umiiyak si Riri pag sinasabihang busy. Eh…iyon kasi laging rason sa kanya ng daddy niyo, Mavric. Parang…iniisip niya na baka hindi na umuwi,” si Lala na nagkwento.

I suddenly remembered when Rade was a bit aggressive when I told him, I told Riri he’s busy. Ngayon ko lang din napagtanto na nagwawala nga si Riri pag sinasabihan ng ganoon lalo na’t umiyak siya noong sinabi kong busy ’yung Arki.

“Iyon ang sabi ni ma’am sa akin kaya nadala na rin ako. Baka maubos ni Riri ang gamit niya…” Lala chuckled, but there was a hint of sadness in it.

Tahimik akong sumimsim ng kape hanggang ilang minuto, ang nagmamadaling bumababang si Jester ang sumulpot dito sa sala. He looked so worried, and his eyes immediately roamed until he found me. Kumalma ang ekspresyon niya ganoon din ang kanyang galaw at kinusot ang kamay.

“Good morning, Jester,” bati ni Riri.

And as usual, Jester would glare at her. Sinenyasan ko si Jester na lumapit sa akin at kinarga siya paupo sa kabilang upuan.

“Kuya. We’ll hit the playground?” tanong ni Jester sa marahan na tinig.

“Yup.”

They were so excited for our plans. Umagang umaga, naghahagikhikan na sila sa banyo ni Jester at sabay na pinaliguan ni Lala. Naligo rin ako at hindi na masyadong inisip ang napapansin ko sa kanila.

I wanted to lighten my mood. I wanted to distract myself so bad. Despite the heavy feeling, I still managed to take them to our favorite playground so we could play.

Nasa swing silang dalawa at isa isa ko silang tinutulak nang malakas. Sumakay din kami sa seesaw habang silang dalawa ang nakaupo sa kabila laban sa akin. Kahit ang slides ay pinasukan din nila habang hinihintay ko sila sa dulo ng swing at matatawa silang aabutin ako lalo na’t agad ko silang kukunin paangat.

We played for two hours. Doon na rin ako nagjogging kasama silang dalawa. They were also stretching, copying me in their childish movements, while I would laugh about it.

“Kuya, I’m tired.” Simangot ni Riri kaya sa huli, ipinasampa ko na siya sa balikat at patuloy kaming nagjogging ni Jester sa paligid ng subdivision.

“Mavric?” an old woman stopped together with another old woman when they noticed me.

I stopped and looked at them too to at least pay some respect as I smiled at them.

“Good morning po,” bati ko.

“Oh? Himala at nandito ka! Nagdrop out ka ba? Hindi ka nag-aaral ngayong taon?” the other old lady with a neon bandana curiously asked me.

Umiling ako. “Ah…nag-aaral pa naman po.”

“Ah? Hindi ka huminto? Eh, hindi ba’t kakadivorce lang ng parents mo?” the other old lady opened up unexpectedly.

Tumingin ako saglit kay Jester na nakatingala sa mga matatanda habang hawak niya ang kamay ko. I looked at the old ladies again, smiling a bit.

“Ang sabi ng mommy mo, kahit may ibang pamilya ang ama mo, ayos lang sa kanya kasi kaya niya raw kayong buhayin mag-isa. Totoo ba ’yon? Edi may kapatid kayo? Babae ba? Lalake? Pinakilala na ba sa inyo ni Nico?” patuloy ng matanda at halos ayaw magpaawat.

“Ang naririnig ko nga kay Lala, noon pa daw talaga ’yang mag-asawa. Hindi magkasundo. Baka nga talaga may iba nang pamilya si Nico. Noong nalaman ng mommy niyo, hindi nakaya at nakipagdivorce nalang,” the other old woman who seemed so invested to talk about it.

I squeezed Jester’s hand and chuckled a bit.

“Wala namang pamilyang iba si Dad,” depensa ko. “Nasa ibang bansa lang talaga, nagtatrabaho.”

“Talaga ba? Hindi na siya umuuwi ’di ba?” they continued asking.

“Uuwi siguro sa Pasko at New Year. Kontrata rin kasi ang trabaho niya. Hindi basta bastang naiiwanan,” I reasoned.

The two old ladies looked at each other. They were still persistent about talking about it, but then I already started walking.

“Alis na po kami,” paalam ko, hindi na hinintay na may masabi pa silang iba.

Old ladies and their insensitive mouths…

I sense the sudden change of mood in Jester. May malapit na bench kaya doon kami nagpasyang magpahinga muna. Nakaupo nalang silang dalawa habang tahimik akong tinitingnan.

I wanted to brush it off, ignore it like usual, or escape it. But this is different. If I didn’t explain things, they might really overthink it.

So I crouched in front of them.

“Our parents…they’re…” nahihirapan ko iyong sabihin.

Riri looked at me curiously. Si Jester, tahimik ngunit kita ko ang kontroladong galit sa mga mata.

“They’re divorced,” si Riri ang sumagot sa kalmadong tinig.

“Yes. Divorce…” Tumango-tango ako. “It’s when…” I almost tried to find the right terms.

“It’s when people need to deal with their problems separately because they can’t deal with them together anymore,” muling sagot ni Riri.

I calmed down a bit, nodding again. “Yes, Riri. Like that.”

“I am fine if mommy will find someone else to love. I am fine if daddy will find someone else to love too. They will be happy and they both deserve it. I love mommy and daddy. I love Jester. I love Kuya. We are family,” she explained more, like she got it from someone else and understood the term in her own knowledge.

I smiled gently as I tried to hold back what was trying to squeeze me.

“Like me, I have a lot of people I love. I have Kuya. I have Jester. I have Mommy and Daddy. If Kuya will find someone else to love, I know Kuya still loves me. Same goes with mommy and daddy. I want everyone to have a lot of people that love them so they won’t feel lonely…” she explained more.

Inabot ko ang kamay niya, marahan iyong hinawakan at ngumiti sa kanya kahit bahagya siyang nanlalabo sa akin.

“Yes, Riri. I will never unlove you…”

Riri smiled and caressed my cheek. “Kuya…don’t be sad, okay? I will never be busy.”

I gritted my teeth, nodding a bit and chuckled by her cute term. I bowed for a while, sighed heavily, and looked at Jester again with a smile on my lips.

“Jest. You heard Riri?” namamaos kong tanong.

He was a bit angry. Nakakuyom din ang kanyang kamay. Riri caressed his hand, which Jester roughly pushed, glaring at her again.

“Jester…” tawag ko at hinaplos ang braso niya. “Uuwi na ako linggo-linggo.”

He blinks twice. The anger mingling in his eyes was now slightly subsiding.

“I’m making time so we could play. And have fun. Hmm?”

Riri smiled. Jester’s lips were now stretching, but he controlled it. Kiniliti ko siya at kahit si Riri ay natatawa ring kiniliti si Jester, ginagaya ako.

Jester giggled and tried to stop our fingers, but we were persistent in tickling him.

“Kuya. I miss daddy,” biglang singit ni Riri. “Please tell him to come home…”

Though she’s educated about the term and wasn’t making too much fuss about it, unlike Jester, she was still craving our father’s time.

“Okay. I’ll tell daddy.”

And just like I promised Jester, I brought him to the gym. Nasa bahay si Riri at pumayag naman na hindi sumama dahil gagawa ng pancake at tutulungan daw ni Lala.

Jester was used to hitting the gym with me. He would only sit at my back while I’m pushing up, like usual. He would also hold my feet for me while I was doing some sit-ups. Akala ko noon nababagot siya sa ganito pero mukhang sa dalas ng pagdala ko sa kanya, nakasanayan niya na.

“Here you go,” sabay bigay ko ng ice cream niya nang may madaanan kami at papauwi na.

Malalakad nalang din naman at malapit lang sa subdivision namin kaya iyon ang ginawa namin habang kinakain ang ice cream at nasa kabila ko siya.

“Jest. Huwag mong inaaway si Riri,” payo ko nang mapansin ang pakikitungo niya minsan sa kanya.

Tahimik niyang dinilaan ang ice cream niya. I ruffled his hair to get his attention.

“Love her.”

“She always gets mommy’s attention…” bulong niya, iritado. “She got yours too.”

Nagseselos siya?

“Riri loves you so much. Aside from that, my love for you and Riri are equal.”

Hindi siya umimik at dinilaan lang ulit ang ice cream niya. Tumigil ako at yumuko para lang makalebel kami.

“Bro code?” I showed my fist. “I promise I will be there for you. Not just for Riri, but also for you.”

Ngumuso siya at agad na ikinuyom ang kamay niya, handang makipag fist bump sa akin.

“But you also need to promise that you’ll be there for Riri too.”

Bahagya siyang tumango at pursigidong makipagfist bump sa akin.

“Kuya. Promise me too…”

“What is it?”

“Don’t be like mom and dad.”

Medyo natigilan ako.

“Don’t leave me,” he said in his pleading voice.

I smiled and nodded as I ruffled his hair again, chuckling to cover my other emotion.

“If you’d leave, take me, Kuya. I’ll come with you.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“So you will leave Riri and Mommy?” I asked.

Medyo nag-isip isip siya. I sighed and looked at him seriously.

“We won’t leave Riri and Mommy, Jester. They’re family. Nagwowork si Mommy. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you anymore. Mahal ka niya.”

“She doesn’t show up on family days, but she showed up on Riri’s… She was only telling Lala to attend mine. But when it comes to Riri…” he ranted in his croaked voice.

Nagseselos nga siya. Riri was a daddy’s girl. Mommy would always pay attention to her as well, because she’s the youngest. Naalala ko umuwi lang ako dahil nanghihingi ng phone si Riri. Fuck. This is harder than I thought…

“During Riri’s birthday, dad was there. But during mine, he didn’t come home. You didn’t too. Kuya, ampon ba ako?” He looked at me confusingly.

Riri’s birthday was in January. While his birthday was in August. It was…after that summer while my mind was in chaos. I didn’t come home because I was dealing with the sudden changes in our family too. Kaya kahit birthday ni Jester, hindi na ako umuwi. Damn it.

Marahas ang pag-iling ko. “Hindi nga…Hindi gano’n ’yon. Riri is…” I stopped my words. Well, they’re both fucking kids, Mavric.

I sighed. Instead of telling him excuses that Riri is the youngest, a little girl that needs to be protected, I realized he is too. If Riri needs attention, he needs it too. If Riri is just a kid, he is, too. Nararamdaman niyang may ibang treatment kay Riri at pagdating sa kanya, nababalewala siya, dahil nga lalake at medyo angat ang edad niya kay Riri.

“Jester, I would never abandon you. I might give Riri some attention, but I equally love you and Riri. Do you understand that?”

Marahan siyang tumango, medyo kalmado na.

“We’ll bond more. Make some plans for the other weeks. Say…let’s go karting? But we’ll include Riri, okay?”

“Karting?! For real?!” Halos makalimutan niyang may hawak siyang ice cream dahil sa excitement niya.

“Yup. This coming October…”

“Yes! Karting!” He jumped excitedly which made me smiled.

Ngunit sa kabila noon, tumatak sa isip ko ang inamin ni Jester.

This is the reason why I like using contraceptives. I realized I can’t be a father if I’m not responsible enough to aid my kids emotionally and physically. I don’t like the idea of my children having this kind of pain because it cuts deep.

Earning money might be so important, but building your family is at the core of it. You can’t just earn money while forgetting that you aren’t feeding them with just food you could buy; you also need to feed them your presence and your time.

Pag-uwi namin, ang madungis na si Riri agad ang sumalubong na may harina pa ang mukha at may hawak na spatula. She was proudly grinning at us.

“Kuya! Jester! I made pancakes for you!” she announced happily.

Tinapik ko ang balikat ni Jester. He handed the box of strawberry cake we bought for her which made her eyes widened.

“It’s a strawberry cake?! Yey! Thank you, Jester!” She kissed his cheek.

Tiningnan ako ni Jester. Inangat ko ang kilay at nakipagfist bump para maalala niya ang usapan namin. He bumped his fist at me and treated Riri calmly without glaring at her or anything.

We spent the rest of the afternoon eating Riri’s pancake and playing video games again. I made sure they’re both having my attention and no one was left out.

Noong alas syete na, saka rin ako nagpasyang magpaalam sa kanila. I squatted in front of them while I’m already wearing my duffel bag as I held both of their hands.

“So…next week?” I looked at them one by one, squeezing their hands.

Jester nodded eagerly. Riri smiled and glanced at Jester as she copied his excitement too.

“Riri…I’m not busy, hmm?” I said gently.

Her face lightened. Tiningnan ko naman si Jester.

“And you, little boy. Bro code?”

“Bro code!” he answered enthusiastically.

I pulled them both for a hug. Mahigpit din nila akong niyakap habang pinipigilan ko lang na bumuhos ang emosyon ko. I pulled right away, standing up and looking at Lala to get them.

“Kuya, ingat!” si Jester na sumigaw habang hawak na ni Lala ang mga kamay nila.

“Ingat, kuya!” panggagaya rin ni Riri.

I nodded at them, and I immediately took the helmet to cover my whole face so I could hide it while they were both glancing at me and waving their hands.

Kumaway ako at sumakay na sa motorbike. I went out of the gate and drove fast while my vision was so blurry. Huminga ako nang malalim, mas pinaharurot ang pagpapaandar. Why do they need to suffer? Why do my parents need to divorce? Damn it. Why…why do they need more kids if they can’t handle us?

Chapter 15

Explode

I could not control my emotions while I was on my way back to Bonifacio. Humihingos ako at sinisikap nalang na intindihin ang sitwasyon kahit ang totoo, kahit ako ay hindi ko maintindihan.

Malaki na ako. I am far from my siblings. But why can’t I process things too? I might accept the changes; I might deal with them, but at the back of my mind, I was beyond troubled.

Where am I supposed to get the answers? Where am I supposed to run?

Mavric:

I’m almost in Bonifacio. If you’re sleeping, you can get it tomorrow?

Iyon ang tinipa kong text at s-in-end kay Rade nang huminto muna ako sa gilid ng kalsada lalo na’t masyadong malabo ang mga mata ko. I took my helmet out of my head and wiped off my face, deciding to go to my father’s number, staring at it.

Inipit ko ang helmet sa gilid ng baywang at itinukod ang mga paa sahig, nakatitig sa numero ni Dad.

I haven’t replied to his messages yet. His last message was yesterday. Just some pictures of the shoes he sent to me I didn’t view. Mukhang bumili siya ng limang pares para sa akin lalo na’t alam niya naman gaano ako ka batak sa basketball. I have a lot of shoes at home provided by him too, which I rarely use.

I wanted to type some words, but I don’t know what to say. I’m conflicted. When he tried to talk to me about his problem, I dodged it. I was too afraid to face the fact that our family was collapsing. They needed to divorce. Hindi ko alam kung pinag-isipan ba nilang maigi, inisip kami, o kung bakit nila napagdesisyonan.

I shut my eyes and licked my lower lip, lifting my head as I felt so frustrated about it. Napagtanto ko kung gaano kalayo ang loob ko sa kanya. I cannot even say some proper words…

Humingos ako at muling inisip na gusto ni Riri umuwi siya. I wanted to…convince him at least to be with us this Christmas or New Year. Will he come home?

Ilang sandali lang, text ni Rade ang dumating. Tiningnan ko iyon at seryosong pinindot.

Rade:

Still up. I’ll get it today.

I don’t want to see him, really. I was a mess. I am not in the mood to play around either. I am not in the mood for any distractions.

Mavric:

Tomorrow? Hahaha I’m too sleepy.

Rade:

Wanna drink? I know some place.

Mavric:

Nah. I’m really sleepy. Tired.

I slipped my phone into my pocket. Nag ring pa iyon pero hindi ko na pinansin pa. My mind was bombarded by reaching out to my father or just letting things slip away, like I used to.

I could deal with it. Sure. I’ve been dealing with it for how many years now. I don’t mind if this would continue until more years. But then, how about my siblings?

Nagvibrate ang phone ko at mukhang may text. Pinaharurot ko ang pagmamaneho at swabeng pinaglalagpasan ang malalaking sasakyan, hindi na naisip na may posibilidad na mahampas ako sa kanila.

It was already nine p.m. nang makarating ako sa Bonifacio. Papasok na ako sa parking lot ng building nang makita ko ang imahe niyang nakapamulsa at mukhang pumunta agad dito noong nabasa ang text ko kanina. Fuck.

I parked his motorbike and I can’t even take the helmet off my face. If only I could borrow it for a while, I’ll do it. But then, that was more suspicious. Isa pa, galing ako sa byahe at mahangin. He won’t suspect my bloodshot eyes of anything emotional, right?

“Here. I also came here for this.” Abot niya ng USB nang lumapit sa akin.

“Thanks. Just name your price. I’ll pay for it,” agap ko nang kinuha iyon at hinubad na ang helmet niya, ibinigay sa kanya.

I was trying not to look at him in the eyes. Humingos ako at tumingin saglit sa kanya, pero inilalayo rin kahit ramdam ko ang paghuli niya sa mga mata ko nang tanggapin niya ang helmet.

“So…I’ll get going? I’m kind of sleepy,” rason ko sa namamaos na tinig at hinaplos ang batok ko.

He was wearing the usual get-up from the last time he borrowed his motorbike. But this time, he was wearing a gray sleeveless shirt and black sweatpants. I could even smell his usual scent, musky. Hindi niya rin suot ang salamin niya.

He opened the seat of the motorbike and took another helmet out. Inihagis niya iyon sa akin na agad kong nasalo dahil baka tumama sa mukha ko. Sinuot niya na ang kanyang helmet at sumakay na sa kanyang motorbike. Lumingon siya sa akin at sumenyas.

“Let’s drink.” Sabay tapik ng likod na espasyo.

Gusto kong tumanggi. But then, I remembered that he had done too much for me. If he hadn’t pushed me to come home, I might have failed Jester. Baka lumayo na ang loob ng kapatid ko sa akin at mas lalong nagselos kay Riri.

So instead of rejecting his offer, I wore the helmet and went to his back, occupying the space while he gave the other helmet to me.

Humawak ako sa likod gamit ang isang kamay at tahimik na sumama. I could feel my crotch pressing against his ass, but I wasn’t in the mood to make some big deal out of it, so I just shrugged it off and looked at the buildings.

Tumigil kami sa isang seven-eleven. I hopped out as he handed his wallet to me.

“Sprite. You can have beers if you want. But I’ll have sprite,” aniya.

I wasn’t in the mood to make a front, really. So I just took his wallet and went to the seven-eleven without complicating things.

Kumuha ako ng Sprite na gusto niya, so I also got myself a San Mig with flavors so it wouldn’t affect me too much.

Pumunta agad ako sa counter para bayaran iyon. I opened his wallet and took some cash. Makapal ah? He got cards, too.

I took a one thousand bill and paid for the drinks. Pagkatapos kunin ng sukli na ibinalik ko sa pitaka niya, lumabas din naman ako dala ang pinamili.

I hopped onto his back again. I don’t know where he was taking me, but if he’d even jump on the cliff right now, I don’t mind. Maybe the only thing that’s keeping me sane is the thought that my siblings will always wait for me.

We went to an overlooking view. Madilim na ngunit pinapasok pa naman kami ng guard at nag-iwan lang ng ID. Tumigil kami sa pinakaitaas habang hinayaan niyang nakabukas ang ilaw ng motorbike niya at nagpasya kaming bumaba.

“Flavored beer?” I offered the drink I bought.

“I’m fine with sprite,” aniya.

“What? This is light. You’re not a heavy drinker?” I chuckled while opening the sanmig using the edge of his motorbike.

Hindi ko na inusisa kung ayaw niyang uminom. I just crouched down and drank my own drink while staring at the city lights from afar.

Malamig ang hangin. Gumagalaw ang buhok ko habang lumilipad agad ang isip ko. Kinontrol ko lang na huwag masyadong magmukhang emosyonal dahil alam kong may kasama ako at ayokong magmukhang problemado sa tingin niya.

“How are they?” tanong niya at sumandal sa kanyang motorbike.

“Fine,” I answered flatly, and gulped down my drink.

“You had fun?” he asked, which I ignored without saying a word or glancing at him.

I guess drinking won’t satisfy me, so I took my box of cigarettes out of my pocket and my lighter as well. Kumuha ako ng isang pirasong sigarilyo at nagsindi, hindi na pinansin ang tanong niya.

I wanted to control my temper. I know how much he likes pushing things. Isa pa, nagmamalasakit lang naman. Pero kilala ko ang isang ’to.

“Not now,” I warned him seriously to control whatever might irk me.

He arched his brow and sipped on his drink without taking his eyes off me. I could sense his thirst on doing the opposite. Nagsindi ako ng sigarilyo at tumayo, hinithit iyon at tumingin sa malayo.

I offered my box of cigarettes, but then he shook his head.

“I don’t smoke.”

My brows arched. Really? Most of my circles smokes…well, aside from Shiloh. Tumango ako at idinaan lang sa ngisi iyon as binuga ang usok habang tumitingala ng bahagya, tiningnan ang kumikislap na bituin sa langit.

I tried to empty my mind so I wouldn’t be too emotional. But then, I am not in the mood to make any distractions either, so it’s quite hard.

“You like sucking,” Rade pointed out.

Napabaling ako sa kanya. It’s quite shocking that he was open to these things I would always start.

“Yeah,” I boredly shrugged, not in the mood to fuel it.

“Kink?” he asked more.

I laughed a little. “Isn’t that your own kink?”

He only smiled a little and sipped on his drink. I licked my lips and pressed my tongue against the side of my mouth. Tumingin ako sa sahig at ipinagsalubong ang kilay ko. When I noticed some rocks, I kicked them lightly and puffed my cigarette again.

“You can share things, you know,” he urged.

Napangisi ako ng hilaw.

“What things?” I asked nonchalantly, took my phone out, and looked at the screen of my phone.

“Anything that bothers you,” he said calmly.

I side-eyed him, blew out the smoke, smirked a little, and looked at the screen of my phone again. Should I…leave a message? Or just ask him if he’s coming home?

I slipped my phone back and puffed the smoke again. Namaywang ako at tiningalang ibinuga ang usok nang matagal. I picked up my drink, gulped it down, and placed it back as I walked back and forth, puffing my cigarette.

Rade was silently watching me, leaning against his big motorbike which exudes his vibes. Dark and mysterious.

Tumingin siya sa citylights at tumungga ng Sprite. Tumingin ulit ako sa sahig at naghanap ng pwedeng sipaing bato na kahit walang nakita, sinipa ko pa rin.

I wanted to ask him about family, but I am not really ready to open up. Kahit yata gumuho ang mundo, kahit pa sa hindi ko kilala, hindi ko kayang ilabas ang nararamdaman ko.

They say that opening up to strangers is more comfortable than opening up to people who have known you for years. But I really don’t like opening up. What for, really? I can deal with it.

I wanted to burst out sometimes, but at the same time, I felt like I would self-destruct that I’d lost some of my pieces despite not feeling so whole. Maybe I was only holding onto those parts that’s left in me. Those parts are what keep me sane.

Yumuko ako at hinawakan ang ulo ko, wala nang pakialam kung kasama ko si Rade. I just puffed my cigarettes and blew them into the air seriously, my vision sparkling with the citylights.

“Divorce is quite heavy,” I heard Rade.

My jaw clenched. He knows. Damn it. He fucking knows. Riri told him things, and I am now suspecting they were talking about it. Sa sagutan palang ni Riri…

“I said don’t snoop around.” I looked at him warningly.

He looked at me with the same judgment. I hated those eyes so much. That confidence in him. Those provocative eyes.

“I know you want to be strong for your siblings, but being vulnerable won’t make you less of a man…” patuloy niya sa kabila ng banta ko.

It snapped me. Marahas ang pagtayo ko at agad na napunta sa harap niya, inabot siya para makita niyang hindi ako nakikipaglokohan dito.

“I said shut your mouth.” I gripped the neckline of his shirt, our faces leveling.

“What were you trying to put up a front? Sure. Escape it. Ignore it. But what would happen if it finally got you, huh? You’d explode,” aniya, seryoso pa rin ang titig sa akin, walang bahid na takot kahit yupiin ko man ang mukha niya ngayon.

I gritted my teeth and pulled his neckline more. My fist was aching to punch him straight in the mouth just to shut him up.

“Shut up, Rade,” I warned.

“You can’t just runaway and ignore things forever. Face it. Deal with it. Things are heavy to carry if you don’t even try to put them down,” he continued, unfazed by my warnings.

My shoulder was rocking so hard. Gumalaw ang panga ko at naglalaro ang nakakalokong ngisi sa labi ko. I puffed my cigarette, blew it at the side, and looked at him back intensely.

His eyes remained the same. Sharp and unreadable. But between us, he’s more relaxed, and while I was already a ticking time bomb, he was casually dismantling it, handling it with zero caution that if it explodes, he’d get hurt.

“It wasn’t your fault, you know—”

His words were stopped when I pulled him and punched him hard. Damn his fucking mouth! He doesn’t know when to shut up when it’s needed, and he keeps his mouth shut when I want him to talk!

Natumba siya sa sahig. My shoulders were rocking uncontrollably, and I felt like there was a monster banging against me, wanting to come out so bad as I crouched and pulled Rade’s neckline again, my hand into fist, and wanting to continuously punch him.

“How will it even heal if you disregard your own pain? If you don’t consider that, it hurts you. Kailan mo makikita ang sariling sugat mo?”

“I don’t need any of your words! Shut up!” I hissed and pulled the neckline of his shirt roughly while he was still on the ground, his elbows resting on it to balance himself while I was crouching down, aggressively looking at him.

I was completely wrecked. And this fucker…this motherfucker—likes to shove things I don’t want to take.

“What? You only got one emotion? What’s wrong with bursting out, crying? You’re afraid you’d looked like gay? You want to maintain that unbothered, cool demeanor? Really?” he mocked, the smug on his face showing.

My jaw clenched even more. This is the confidence that pushed me on that day. Nakakabali ng kompostura.

I pulled his neckline more, wanting to wreck his face for not listening to me and for being too nosy about things. But despite the menace I’ve shown, he was calm, ready to take everything I’d shove at him. Fuck it, really!

“Yes. They’re in divorce. Damn it!” I hissed, throwing it out of him. “I have a broken family. My siblings were having a hard time dealing with it. I am conflicted to know the truth behind their split up. Kung may nagloko nga, maiintindihan ko kung naghiwalay sila. But what about my siblings? What about…” my voice cracked.

He slightly closed his left eye. Humingos ako at doon ko napansing sunod sunod ang bagsak ng malalaki kong luha sa mukha niya. I sighed heavily, wanting to stop it, but it was now so heavy that…I really needed to put it down for a while.

“What about me?” I asked weakly as my tears pooled even more.

Tahimik niyang pinanood ako sa ibabaw niya, marahas ang hawak sa neckline ng suot niya, gusto siyang suntukin ulit pero hindi ko na magawa. His hair was now disheveled, and his forehead showed. His eyes weren’t as sharp as the stars in the sky reflected in them.

Marahas kong binitiwan ang pagkakahawak sa kanya saka ako umupo nang tuluyan sa sahig at hinawakan ang buhok ko. Pumikit ako, sunod sunod ang hikbi, gustong pigilan ang sarili ngunit ngayon ko lang naiyak. Ngayon ko lang nailabas. Ngayon ko lang nabigyan ng atensyon ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko sa problema ng pamilya namin.

“Ang babata pa…Anong maiintindihan nila dito kung sa paligid nila, may pamilya ang iba. Tapos sila wala. Anong iisipin nila, na ampon sila?” tanong ko, walang pakialam kung hindi niya iyon sagutin dahil para iyon sa sarili ko.

I know when was the last time I cried. It was when I was a kid. I could vividly remember it. It was the reason why, after that day, I promised I wouldn’t cry because I’d remember it again.

I have been ignoring this problem. I don’t want to talk about it with my friends, nor do I want to open up to them that I have this burden I’ve been trying to carry lightly.

I’ve been running from it my whole life. I grew up taking things lightly, ignoring the signs because I was careful not to explode. I was careful not to visit it again.

But this time, I remembered it so clearly. It was vivid. And it was hard to swallow the truth that I needed to grow up first to understand things.

The scar was there on my knee. Nahuhulog ako noon sa hagdan dahil tumakbo sa takot. And when it bled, I took that distraction to cry out loud. It was…that day, I learned to distract myself with something else because I was scared to face something I couldn’t understand.

What if I confronted them about it? What if…they explained things to me in words I could understand? What if…they educated me? Will I grow up less confused? Will I ever run away from it?

I wiped off the tears using the edge of the sleeves of my hoodie and sniffled roughly. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko, bumangon na si Rade ngunit nakaupo pa rin, tahimik akong pinanood habang nakapatong sa nakapikong mga paa ang mga kamay.

Pumikit ako at nanghinang humiga sa sahig nang tuluyan. I could jump on the cliff right now and throw everything away, but I guess that’s not how things should be solve. But if it weren’t for my siblings, I’d jump.

Ilang oras akong ganoon hanggang kumalma rin habang nakahiga. I pulled out my cigarette to smoke again, but before I could light it, Rade took it from my lips.

Napabaling ako sa kanya. My eyes drifted on his lips as I saw the small cut I made. Fuck.

But then, compared to earlier, my chest wasn’t that heavy anymore. The emotions I jailed for so long have been released. I cannot feel any banging against my chest. It felt light.

“Give it back to me,” I said calmly.

“Give what?” He snapped my cigarette and tossed it.

I put my hands at the back of my head and cleared my throat. Tahimik kong tiningnan ang langit habang nahihimasmasan na. This is embarrassing. Tang ina. Gusto ko siyang ihagis bigla sa bangin nang makalimutan niya ang lahat lahat ng ito.

“Let’s set some schedules,” bigla niyang sabi.

Schedules of what? Kunot-noo akong bumangon, ngunit ang siko ko lamang ang itinuko ko sa malinis na sahig.

“I’ll tell you when I’m available. You’re going home during weekends, so we won’t include those days,” he continued.

The bossy Tejano…really. But then…what for?

“What for?” I asked, voicing out my curiosity. “Schedules of my breakdowns? You like watching me explode?” I chuckled.

He titled his head, his lips slightly giving me a smirk, while his eyes intensified. “I’d like to see you explode in some other ways too. Fuck buddies, Evander.”

Napawi ang ngiti ko. Holy…crap.

Chapter 16

Watch

He finally agreed. I don’t know if it was out of pity because I looked so miserable and not getting laid was making it worse, which might have stirred his mind to approve my long request, but then…what the hell?

Tumikhim ako at idiniin ang sarili sa likod niya. He was now driving back into my apartment. I couldn’t take my mind off the last topic that lingered in my mind.

My hands were now at the back of his motorbike, balancing myself as my body was a bit reclined, my eyes looking at my crotch pressing against his back.

Nahanap ko ang mga mata niya sa side mirror, tinitingnan ako. Humingos ako para ipakitang nagda-drama pa rin ako kahit panakip-butas nalang iyon sa ginagawa ko.

“Where are you holding? You might fall,” sita niya nang mapansin ang ayos ko nang marahan niyang pinatakbo ang motorbike niya.

“Back,” I murmured.

He looked at the side mirror again, his intimidating eyes checking on me from time to time, making sure I was there behind him.

I’m actually used to having fubu. I started having one during college when I was so busy and I needed some good fuck. This is…the first time I’ll be having a man…

Well, he’s quite special now. He has seen me at my lowest. Kailangan ko na talaga itong itumba. Hindi na ako natutuwa na siya lagi ang nasa ibabaw. And I feel like he was looking down on me, mocking me with those eyes of him…

Pagdating sa parking lot ng building ng aking apartment, bumaba rin ako. I took the helmet out of my head as he also took his.

“Do you want to go upstairs for a while?” anyaya ko.

“Sleep early and rest your eyes. Masyado kanang pagod kung aakyat pa ako,” aniya sa makahulugang tinig.

I scratched my nape, a bit embarrassed that he’s pointing it out. I would really appreciate it if he wouldn’t talk about it anymore. Ayos na ’yung naiyak ko mag-isa, o nailabas ko. But talking about it more, I think it’s too much.

“I’d text once I’m home,” he said gently.

Marahan ang tango ko. Damn…I suddenly forgot how fuck buddies work. But aside from that, I was aching to tell him things I just couldn’t say.

Pinaandar niya na ulit ang motorbike niya, handa nang umalis.

“I’ll get going.”

Tumango ako at namulsa. Sumenyas siyang umakyat na ako kaya hinaplos ko ang batok at tumalikod na, pumapasok na sa building.

I heard the roar of his motorbike leaving. I sighed and shook my head, a bit disappointed in myself that I couldn’t even mouth a simple thanks.

Well, we’re now fuck buddies. Babawi nalang ako sa performance? I scoffed and smiled to myself when I realized I had my own water now. He willingly shoved himself at me this time.

After a cold bath, I sleepily melted into my warm bed as I reached for my phone to thank him, at least through text.

Nakita ko agad ang text niya. My brow arched as his text looked so simple, yet it strikes intimidation, like his usual demeanor.

Rade:

I got home.

I typed for a reply as I shifted my position, a bit reclining while I rested my head on the two pillows.

Mavric:

Thanks, by the way.

Tinitigan ko ang text ng ilang sigundo at inilagay ang kamay sa likuran para gawing unan ko. Ilang sandali lang, lumabas ang text niya.

Rade:

You’re welcome. Don’t drive next time while you’re in a bad state. Better yet, call me. I’ll fetch you.

Mahaba ang sinabi niya. And it wasn’t just about mocking me or some insults, but it’s…Kinagat ko ang aking labi at ipinagsalubong ang kilay.

He’s warm. What happened to his usual cold demeanor when responding to me? Because I cried? Si Maverick Evander na architect at maangas lagi na basketball player na kasali sa sikat na circle sa university nakita niyang umiyak? It must be so good in his eyes, huh?

I turned the screen off and groaned as I lay against my stomach, burying my face in my pillow. This is embarrassing. Why do I lose my composure when it comes to him? Pang-ilang beses na ’to. He’s just good at triggering things. He’s like a walking needle that pricks balloons, bursting them. He knows where to prick… he knows where to hit.

Rade:

Give me your breaks.

It was early in the morning when I read his text, which was sent around five thirty. I yawned and typed a reply sleepily. Nakatulugan ko ’yung huli niyang text kagabi.

Mavric:

Where’s the good morning there?

I was messing around with him again, like usual. Sinikap ko nang kalimutan ’yung kagabi, at sana, huwag niya na ring i-open up pa. That’s enough.

Rade:

Morning.

He…really did. Napatunganga ako saglit doon, ang kamao ko ay nasa gilid na ng aking ulo habang tinititigan iyon. I could vividly see his face in my mind last night when I hovered over him, and he was silently watching me cry while I gripped the neckline of his shirt—oh fuck.

Mabilis akong nagtype ng reply.

Mavric:

Your lips, by the way.

Fuck. I punched him. Fuck.

Rade replied right away.

Rade:

Yeah? What about my lips?

Mavric:

I punched you.

Rade:

It depends on how you will make up for that.

Kinagat ko agad ang labi habang nakangiti. Kabastusan nalang yata lagi ang nasa isip ko pagdating sa kanya. But then, we’re fuck buddies here. What do fuck buddies mean? To fuck each other. To give pleasure. Ano pa ba? We’re neither minors nor teenagers here. We’re grown ass men.

Mavric:

Later then? Break time? I’m available around 3 p.m.

Binigay ko sa kanya ang break time ko buong weekdays. His last text was to prepare for school for his first subject. Riri called around six thirty, and I could tell mom just went to work already. I talked to her as usual and saw Jester beside him, eating and glancing at the camera too.

“Kuya, I activated my iMessage,” ani Jester.

“Really? That’s good, Jest. I’ll call you okay?”

“Jester, I’ll call you too! Do you want that? We can FaceTime while you were in your room, and I am here in the living room!” si Riri na nangingiti.

Tumawa ako ng marahan sa naisip niya. I looked at the camera to check Jester’s expression, and instead of scowling, he nodded.

“Whatever you like Riri…” he murmured without looking at her, busy with his food. “And we’ll go karting this October.”

“Really, Jest?! We’ll play go kart?!”

Tumango si Jester, hindi pa rin makatingin kay Riri. “Yup. This coming October.”

My mood was lighter on that day. Ngumiti ako habang naririnig ang maayos na pakikipag-usap ni Jester sa kanya. He wasn’t scowling anymore. His mood lightened, and he seemed friendly with Riri now that we had communicated about it.

Rade was busy the whole day. My break times didn’t match his. Meron siyang break time pero sobra niyang busy at parang kahit huminga ay wala na yatang oras kaya di na nakakatext. I didn’t make a fuss about it, though. I’m also a student. I know the struggle. Idagdag pang isang linggo nalang at magsisimula na ang exam.

“Napano ’yang labi mo?” tanong ko nang ang bumungad sa break time ko ay ang cut sa labi ni Tyler sa Biyernes.

September is almost over, and I think Kael beat the shit out of him.

Tyler just smirked and looked at his lower lip on the screen of his phone, touching his jaw, while Ron and I were already laughing hysterically. Patungo kami sa cafeteria para kumain pero ang iingay naming maglakad dahil doon.

“Kaninong kamao ang humalik, Tyler? Kay love ba?” I teased and laughed even more.

Natatawa akong sinipa ni Tyler na tinakbuhan ko ng bahagya at patalong umakbay kay Ron. Tyler shook his head with a sarcastic smile on his lips.

“Damn…I looked like a thug,” aniya habang nagpapaangas sa camera ngayon ng phone niya.

“Pasok kana sa standard ng girls, Tyler! Mukha kanang badboy!” si Ron.

Tyler chuckled and brushed his fingers against his hair.

“Bandana nalang ang kulang, gangster na,” sabi ko at natawa kaming dalawa lalo ni Ron.

Tyler pulled my nape and put me in a headlock. Siniko ko ang dibdib niya para lang pakawalan niya ako habang natatawa.

“Ang kuya ni Chloe,” sipa bigla ni Ron sa akin kaya napaangat ang ulo ko habang naka headlock pa rin ang braso ni Tyler sa akin.

I saw him in the familiar circles of Verena. My eyes immediately went to Rade as I tried to straighten up, but Tyler was really persistent in holding me still. Maingay kami kahit tatlo lang dahil sa hagalpakan.

We passed their ways while our voices seemed to be invading their silence. Rade’s eyes remained at me as he even side-eyed Tyler while they were already passing at us too, his hands on his pocket while the glasses made me feel like his judgments couldn’t cover it.

Nagpumiglas ako sa braso ni Tyler saka niya ako pinakawalan, medyo na-distract na rin habang natatawa pa rin kami.

“Nagsuntukan ba kayo ni Tejano, Tyler? Ba’t parang goals kayo ng labi?” puna ni Ron.

“Ba’t hindi mo tanungin ’yung bayaw,” si Tyler na tumingin sa akin para biruin ako.

I shrugged about it and took my phone out to type a text for Rade. Lumipat ang akbay ni Ron kay Tyler at sila na ang nag-asarang dalawa.

Mavric:

Do you even know what fuck buddy meant?

Nakakabanas. He didn’t even give me a little attention yesterday either. He only told me he’s busy. Ngayon, wala pa rin? Ilang araw na?

Mavric:

We can’t be fuck buddies without fucking, you know? What are we, just buddies? Where’s the fuck?

Baka niloloko niya lang ako kasi mukha akong miserable noong araw na ’yon. Ngayong balik na sa normal, naisip niyang hindi na ako malungkot? Ano ako, bata? Inaliw niya lang saglit, pinangakuan ng candy para tumigil sa pag-iyak?

He replied in the middle of my minor subject in my evening class.

Rade:

Why? Aren’t you satisfied with someone’s headlock?

Headlock? Huh? What about it? Is that…a big deal?

I slipped my phone back into my pants as I listened to the discussion. Noong matapos, text agad ni Tyler ang bumungad.

Tyler:

Con’s place.

Hindi muna ako nagreply kay Tyler habang isinusuot ang straps ng aking bag sa aking balikat. Lumabas na ako sa classroom at nagtatype ng reply kay Rade.

Mavric:

My class is done. Where are you?

Rade:

Not now.

When I said he’s Chloe’s male version, he’s really showing it. Ganitong ganito si Chloe. At anong rason niya? Ang kapatid ang magagalit? At sino, si Chloe naman?

Mavric:

Haha okay. I’m meeting up with Tyler. We’re going to Con’s place.

Isinilid ko ang phone sa aking bulsa ngunit ilang hakbang pa lang pababa ng building, may tumawag na.

I took my phone out and saw Rade’s number. I smirked and answered the call.

“Yeah? You finally realized fuck buddies won’t work without fucking?” bungad ko.

“You’re meeting up with who?” tanong niya.

“With Tyler.”

“With who?” his voice became thick, almost sarcastic.

“One of my friends. Brent’s circles. ’Yung kasama ko sa cafe,” paalala ko.

“Yeah, the curly hair. I know,” he said flatly.

“Yup. The boy toy?” biro ko at tumawa.

I didn’t get any reaction from him, so I licked my lower lip. Man…he’s really hard to please.

“You’re hungry?” he diverted the topic. “I know some place…”

Tumawa ako. “You know, out of all the fuck buddies I had, you’re quite considerate. I’ll eat at Con’s place. Continue your task so you can make time for me.”

He ended the call first. I shrugged it off and texted Tyler that I’m heading to the parking lot so we could meet there.

Tamang chill lang na inuman ang ginawa namin kina Con bago sumabak sa madugong study session next week at hindi kami makakainom na dahil ayaw din ng girls na may alak lalo na pag study session.

Namataan ko ang paghuli ni Rick sa tingin ni Brent kay Shiloh. I could sense Rick’s continuous suspicion that he was sitting beside Shiloh, his hand on his shoulder, while Brent was keeping his cool.

May binulong si Shiloh kay Rick. Ngumiti ako at tumingin kay Brent na lumobo na ang pisngi at magkasalubong ang kilay na nag-iwas ng tingin. Wow. The face of possessiveness. I can’t believe I’d see him in this kind of state. Was he jealous?

Rade:

What time are you going home?

Mavric:

Later? Sasabay ako kay Tyler.

“Anong costume natin sa Halloween party?” biglang tanong ni Tyler.

“Ano bang costume ng girls? Imatch nalang natin sa kanina para kung nanalo sila, nanalo din tayo,” si Ron na gunner namin at naglahad ng inumin kay Con na busy sa phone.

“Dude, I’m fucked,” ani Con nang tinanggap ang shot.

Tumawa kami nang mapagtantong problema na naman iyon sa lovelife niya. His girlfriend will make a big fuss about it, especially matching costume with Patricia.

“Mahilig ka naman palang magpasakal Con, edi sana ako nalang ang sumakal sa’yo,” si Tyler na ikinatawa ng boys habang ngumisi din ako, nakatingin lamang sa screen ng aking phone.

Rade:

I could fetch you later.

“That’s suffocating. Akala siguro ng girls cute ’yang pinagbabawalan tayo sa mga gusto nating gawin. That’s why I hate being in a relationship,” ani Tyler.

Mavric:

Is this an invitation? I’d ride you? Hahaha

Rade:

You still think I’d let you, huh?

Ngumisi ako at hindi na makahabol sa topic ng mga boys. They were now talking about the costume for the upcoming Halloween party next month. They’re excited to dress up since it’s always become a tradition in our circles to throw big parties and invite students from different big universities.

Most of our parties were well-known. Iyon na rin ang inaabangan ng iba. We throw parties every month, especially after exams, and most of the students in different big universities know about them. Naging takbuhan na ng lahat ang mga ganoong paandar namin at maraming gustong makapasok, gustong naiimbitahan.

Mavric:

I’ll buy condoms tomorrow? I have a break time. 4 to 6 p.m.

Rade:

You don’t need the condoms. I’ll need it.

Binasa ko ang labi, tumitingin kila Tyler at nakikipagngisihan, ngunit ibinabalik din agad sa screen ng aking phone.

“The Purge mask daw ang plano nila Angela eh tapos naka angel na attire na may dugo at purge weapons,” ani Shiloh.

The girls and their stylish minds…

“Last year naka playboy bunny sila. We lost the bet since they won the costume’s category. Puro naman sa boys ang galing na votes. Why don’t we dress as the Avengers?” si Con.

“Dude huwag ’yang ganyan! Let’s make something unpredictable! Isa pa, hassle ’yan masyado. Let’s just dress up as ghosts. Puting tela lang tapos shades then naka topless tayo sa loob! Gano’n na!” si Tyler.

“Grabeng unpredictable, Tyler. Multo sa Halloween party. Parang wala ngang makakaisip no’n,” kutya ni Brent.

“Kahit sa internet, baka tayo ang maunang magpost nang ganyan sa sobrang unique,” dagdag ni Con, naiiling at sinabayan ang sarkastikong opinyon ni Brent.

“Ang pangit naman. Sinong mananalo sa costume category na ganyan?” reklamo ni Rick.

Tyler glared at us. He looked desperate to dress up as a ghost.

“Na ghost ka siguro?” kutya ko kaya nagtawanan kami.

“Shiloh? Baka may gusto ka?” tanong bigla ni Con.

We all paid attention to his suggestion. Hindi muna nilagok ni Rick ang shot niya, nakatingin kay Shiloh. I turned off the screen of my phone too, looking at him. Si Ron na naantala ang pagsasalin ng shot, si Brent na titig na titig kay Shiloh at si Tyler na mukha nang handang pumayag kahit wala pang nasasabi si Shiloh.

“Ah… ’yung suggestion ni Tyler?” he answered softly.

“Yes!” Tyler stood and raised his hands like he had won the lottery. “Oh, ayan na! Wala nang magchi-change costume!” Pinagtuturo niya kami.

Tumango agad ang lahat.

“Cute ’yon tapos magdala tayo ng pumpkin baskets. Punuin ng chocolates,” si Con na tumatango, akala mo hindi pumalag kanina.

“Cute nga. Hindi baduy,” agap ni Ronan.

“Maganda siya. Mananalo tayo for sure,” si Rick na biglang liko agad.

Nagtawanan kami. We looked at Brent since he’s the one who’s not given his answer yet. Napansin niya lahat ang tingin namin sa kanya habang pinipisil niya ang labi, titig na titig kay Shiloh.

“Ano Brent? Maganda ’tong costume para maitago ka namin sa puting tela. Hindi ka pagkakaguluhan ng girls para naman makapagtago ka sa mga babae mo,” sabi ni Tyler at ngumisi.

“Gago.” Brent took the soft pillow and threw it harshly at Tyler.

Nasalo iyon ni Tyler at itinapon pabalik ngunit lumiko yata ang paghagis niya at papunta na kay Shiloh. Brent was too fast to catch it, while Rick’s hands were automatically shielding Shiloh. Con aggressively looked at Tyler until all of us, aside from Shiloh, were now throwing soft pillows on Tyler.

Tyler grunted while he was shielding himself. We laughed about it and typed for a reply again.

Mavric:

Why don’t we jack off again? Who comes first would be the bottom?

Rade:

Coming from the one who would come if I wrapped my hand around his shaft, huh?

Tumikhim ako at nag-iba ng posisyon sa pag-upo. I adjusted my pants since they were getting tighter, and I didn’t want them to notice I had a boner. Magulo pa rin ang lahat kaya wala namang nakakapansin habang balik na ang topic sa costume.

Mavric:

What are you doing? I wanna see you really

He sent a photo. It was his laptop and some notes beside the thick book about engineering stuff.

I parted my legs and leaned against the sofa while taking a shot of the table with the drinks and Shiloh’s snacks including the boxes of pizza, but of course, I included my parted legs and the slight tent on my crotch.

I sent it to him while smirking, taking the shot glass on the table, and sipping it while Shiloh looked at me for a while. Nangingiti akong kumindat habang sumisimsim na nahuli pa ni Brent at sinamaan ako ng tingin.

Brent purposely reached for his own drink, but his elbow just kissed my cheek. Naubo ako at natatawa siyang nilingon.

“Sorry, dude. Ang kapal ng mukha mo. Umusog ka nga.” Ngisi niya sa akin sa sarkastikong paraan.

Napakaseloso. I only laughed about it and took my attention back to the screen of my phone when Rade replied.

Rade:

FaceTime then.

See? He’s this game. Pakipot lang talaga. Kailangan pang pasarapan para bumigay.

Mavric:

Why? You’ll watch? Hahahaha

Rade:

Why not?

Nabasa ko ang labi at kinuha ang soft pillow sa sahig na nalaglag kanina nang pinagtatapon kay Tyler para ilagay sa kandungan ko lalo na’t mas maramdaman ko ang pagsikip ng pantalon ko.

Mavric:

Let’s do it together?

Rade:

Touch yourself. I’ll just watch. I need to finish some tasks.

Chapter 17

Warning: R18

Jealous

Napatayo ako nang wala sa oras.

“Con. Pagamit ng guest room,” paalam ko habang hawak pa rin ang soft pillow para takpan kung ano man ang bumabakat sa pants ko.

Tumingin ang mga boys doon, naantala ang topic at kumunot ang mga noo, tinitingnan ako nang maigi.

“Matutulog kana?” tanong ni Con.

“Ano ’yang tinatago mo, Mav?” si Tyler na nag-aamba pang tumayo. “Patingin nga! At anong gagawin mo sa itaas?”

Itinapon ko sa mukha niya ang soft pillow at tumakbo na paakyat. Sumabog ang tawanan nila sa baba at pinagsisigawan ako, but then I didn’t care less if they found out I’m gonna do what they were thinking.

“Panonoorin namin ’yang video mo sa CCTV kaya galingan mo sa pagsalsal, Mav! Baka pwede natin ’yang pagkakitaan sa porn!” sigaw ni Tyler na agad na mas lalong ikinasabog ng tawanan nila.

I showed my middle finger as soon as I got up on the second floor and walked to the guest room.

Naglock ako ng pinto at tiningnan ulit ang screen ng phone ko. I immediately clicked on FaceTime and brushed my fingers against my hair in the camera.

Lumabas siya roon, naka puting t-shirt at suot ang kanyang glasses habang nasa harap na naman ng laptop. Nasa study table siya dahil na rin nakikita ko ang mga librong naka pile at lalagyan ng mga mechanical pencils niya.

“I think this is unfair…” tikhim ko habang umuupo na sa kama.

“If you want to be the top, then turn me on first,” hamon niya sa seryosong mukha at nasa laptop pa rin ang atensyon.

I laughed and leaned against the headboard of the bed.

“While you’re distracted? I might disturb you?”

“Let’s see if you could disturb me.” Sabay tingin niya sa camera at sumilay ang nakakalokong ngisi sa labi.

This is what I really hate about this fucker. He had that confidence in him that I find so hot sometimes.

Phone sex wasn’t really my cup of tea. It’s torture. Though I’ve done this with my past exes, maybe it was different because…a man would watch me jack off.

Tumingin siya sa camera, nanghahamon. I licked my lips and pulled the zipper down, taking it out.

He was staring at the screen, so I smirked at him, wrapping my hand fully at my shaft.

He took his eyes back to his laptop and flipped the page of his book as he was carefully reading it. I moved my hand a bit as I concentrated on my own, imagining him bending for me.

He side-eyed me when I sighed a bit.

“Bite the tip of your t-shirt down. I can’t see,” he ordered.

I chuckled. “Entertained?” I asked while pulling the tip of my t-shirt and biting it down like he said.

He took his attention back on his laptop, as he even got some time to typed on it while I was helplessly looking at the camera.

He glanced again. Pumikit ako at binilisan ang hagod. I could sense the heat all throughout my body, my brows furrowing. Damn, it’s different when I’m touching myself while his eyes were on me. I never expected I’d be so pleasure to know that he’s watching me.

“Do it fast.” I heard his demanding voice.

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at him. My smirk kissed my lips as soon as I saw him resting his elbow on the table, and he’s now completely watching me with those eyes I became familiar with when he’s turned on.

He looked at my face with his blazing eyes. Ngumisi ako lalo, bahagyang natawa sa namamaos na boses at pumikit habang binibilisan iyon katulad ng gusto niya. Fuck. I’m enjoying this.

“Rade,” I called for whatever lust lingered in me.

When I looked at him again, I saw how his brows were slightly furrowed while he shifted on his seat and leaned against his chair. Mabigat na ang titig niya sa akin at nakaparte na rin ang mga hita niya. What a sight…

Nahulog ang t-shirt pabalik lalo na’t sumisinghap ako. He tilted his head, rested his knuckles on the side of his head, and looked at me warningly.

“Bite it down, Evander,” he ordered hoarsely.

I pulled my t-shirt at the back and decided to take it off. His jaw clenched a bit, his eyes looking at my shaft, so I did it fast.

Napapapikit ako ngunit sinusubukan ko siyang tingnan. He looked at my lips, so I smiled, and for sure, my dimple was now showing too. I groaned when it was now bottling up inside me, ready to explode.

He didn’t budge. He didn’t touch himself, but the bulge in his pants caught my attention. He likes it. He was just too hard to snap, but he likes it. I just need to fuel his desire even more.

I grunted when I was so aroused. I’ve never felt this pleasure in just touching myself. I could not even recognize my whimpers while shutting my eyes and clenching my jaw while twitching.

“Damn it!” I cursed when it splashed on my stomach.

When I slowly opened my eyes, my chest heaving for deep sighs while looking at him, his lips parting a bit while he bit his pinky finger, and the thirst was etched on his face.

Inabot ko ang tissue na nasa bed side table lang para punasan iyon sa tiyan ko. It’s so satisfying to see that I’m healthy.

“Round two?” he suggested.

I rolled my eyes and put my hand at the back of my head as I zoomed into my face closely. My white teeth flashed, including my dimple, when I chuckled as I slightly ruffled my disheveled hair.

“In your ass?” I taunted and looked at his bulge. “Mind if you touch yourself too?”

He looked at his bulge as well. “I prefer your ass wrapped in it…”

Humalakhak ako. This motherfucker…

Rade and his little games. He only finished whatever task he needed to finish while I went back downstairs to drink with them. Naging pulutan pa ako ng ilang oras.

When the exam came, I concentrated on it for a while. Iniisip ko rin na after exam, uuwi na naman ako patungong Batangas at mas magiging busy na sa pag-papractice para sa game namin sa December.

We tried making schedules for our plans in October. Baka mauuna nalang magparamdam ang mga patay kaysa sa kanya. Though I’m trying to understand the situation since he’s an academic achiever. I’m a varsity student. We were both students. Umaasa na nga lang sa breaktimes, busy pa.

This isn’t new to me since most of the girls I had in the past were students too. I know how to manage my time and make some time for us, but then…I guess I’m just too pent-up at the moment because when was the last time I got laid?

And can you believe it? He was only doing some tasks while I was moaning on the screen of his phone, which he’d watch sometimes. Para lang nagmovie marathon ang gago habang busy sa task niya.

“Tigang na tigang na ako. Tang ina,” I whispered and leaned against my seat while Shiloh was beside me after sending the photo to him, indicating my message.

It was the table and some of our food while my parted thighs beneath the table showed again.

Shiloh glanced at me and he chuckled softly, covering his mouth a bit.

“Kami na…” he smiled.

My brow arched. “I know. Obvious ang malawak na ngisi ni Brent noong practice.”

“Hindi kami tigang,” he joked.

Humalakhak ako nang ginaya niya ang pananalita ko. I haven’t heard him talk about things like this, but he seems so open to me too.

“Brent would smack the shit out of me if you mention that to him. Ako ang pagbibintangan niya,” sabi ko lalo na’t binantaan pa ako noong huli naming pag-uusap at nagkaideya na siya sa tinutukoy kong kapatid ni Chloe.

I wonder if Rade talks to Shiloh? Pero nabanggit ni Shiloh na baka si Verena pa daw.

“What about Verena? He’s close with her?” tanong ko nang makuryoso.

Tumango siya. “Oo. Girl best friend?”

Girl bestfriend? That close? Though I’m close with the girls in our circle, I don’t have that girl best friend thing. Naniniwala naman ako sa platonic friendship pero hindi parehas ni Brent na may girl best friend. I am more close with the boys.

“Nagseselos ka?” He tilted his head to look at my reaction.

Selos? I don’t know. I haven’t been jealous in my entire life since I treated relationships lightly too. Maybe it was the reason why it ended up with breakups—they think I am less…emotional.

I wouldn’t even mind the other men hitting on the girls I’m pursuing too. Ano naman ngayon? Edi maganda ’yon. Makakapili ang babae kung sino ang para sa kanya. I would just focus on entertaining her and giving her assurance. Kung may wala sa akin na meron sa iba, then that’s it?

“I have friends too. Girls. And you know, the thing we have isn’t like yours and Brent. I could fuck him, but…” My expression changed a bit, imagining I’d have a boyfriend?

A boyfriend? Really? At si Rade?

Shiloh rested his elbow on the table and looked at me carefully.

“Si Brent mabilis magselos,” he pointed out.

That’s Brent. I would not be surprised if he got jealous of me too. Knowing Shiloh is close not just with the entire circle but outside too. His circle is getting bigger. Kahit sa building namin nalalaman ko nalang may mga nagiging kaibigan na rin pala doon.

“How would you know?” I asked.

Before Shiloh could answer it, I spotted Brent’s image entering the cafe. Nakasabit ang isang strap sa kanyang balikat at nakapamulsa sa denim pants niya. His brow arched when he noticed Shiloh was alone with me.

“Here’s the answer…” natatawa kong puna sa kilay niyang nakaangat habang hinihila na ang upuan sa gilid ni Shiloh. The jealousy was really etched on his face, like he’d just smack the shit out of me with those sharp eyes.

“Bakit kayo lang dalawa?” he asked, looking at us like we had some hidden activities behind his back.

Shiloh looked unbothered by Brent’s presence as he only sipped on his drink. Brent glanced at him, his eyes softening.

“What?” marahan niyang tanong.

“Ano?” tingin ni Shiloh pabalik.

This sucks. I looked at my phone again and saw Rade’s reply.

Rade:

Where are you? It’s my break time.

I alertly typed for a reply so fast. Gumagana talaga sa kanya ’yang mga pictures kong nakabukaka.

Mavric:

Outside the school. Same cafe.

Tumingin ako sa harap at nakita ang pagbulong bulong ni Brent kay Shiloh, tumatakas ang ngisi sa labi at si Shiloh ay magkasalubong ang kilay.

Though they weren’t clingy in public, Brent’s body language is just so obvious every time he pays attention to Shiloh. In love na in love ang hayop.

Rade:

I’m still at my building, but I’m already heading out. Let’s meet at the parking lot.

Napatayo ako at mabilis na niligpit ang gamit ko. Tumingin si Shiloh sa akin, si Brent na umangat din ang kilay at tinapunan ako ng tingin, halos nakaukit na sa mukha ang mga nakwento ko sa kanya.

“Maiwan ko na kayo. I’ll just do something—”

“Umalis kana,” Brent cut me off, shooing me away like I’d say something so lewd in front of his baby.

I laughed. Shiloh stifled his smile and waved his hand at me. Tinapik ko ang balikat ni Brent at naglakad na palabas habang nagtatype ng reply kay Rade.

Mavric:

Finally.

I ran back to the school. Pumunta agad ako sa parking lot pero wala pa siya roon.

Mavric:

Where? You’re not here.

Rade:

Wait for a bit. I have something to deal with.

I rolled my eyes boredly. Instead of waiting for him, I decided to go to his building. Baka gumagawa ng task? Maybe I could lend a help? I haven’t paid him for what he did to my activities that saved me from my other subject and for lending his motorbike. Kahit ’yung kasalanan ko sa labi niya noong September. Patong patong na ang utang ko sa kanya pero ako hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin nakakapatong.

Umakyat ako sa engineering building. The door was already opened, and it seems like their class just ended. I passed by to see if he was there, and I’m right; he was there, alone with a woman in front of her.

Umangat ang kilay ko. Ron and the girls mentioned to me how he was so famous among girls. Obviously, he’s good-looking, tall, exudes high intellect, and has tremendous sexual appeal because of his cold demeanor. Kaya ngayong nakikita ko, hindi na ako nagtaka na talagang pinipilahan ang isang ’to.

Namulsa ako at sumandal sa pader, hinintay silang matapos at mukhang nag-uusap.

“N-Nilakasan ko lang ang loob ko. I mean…I know you prioritize your study more than anything else, but…gustong gusto kita Archiel…” the girl confessed shyly.

Archiel. I wanted to laugh about the confession, but I stifled it. Marinig pa ako dito.

“I appreciate your feelings for me, but I can’t give you more than what you want from me, Niki,” ang seryoso na tinig ni Rade.

“I-I know…Naririnig ko rin kasi na…may something sa inyo ni Verena?”

Humalukipkip ako. Should I interrupt them? But then the girl seems so determined. And I should give them a moment. I could wait.

“I’m not currently dating anyone, but I am not also game for whatever you have in mind. We should stay as blockmates,” deritsong sabi ni Rade.

I wanted to whistle. Though I tried rejecting girls too, I would always make sure I’d do it nicely. At talagang hindi niya nalang ginawang friends? Blockmates? That’s too cold.

“O-Oh…okay. I understand…Uh… I should go…” the girl said shakily.

Ngumuso ako at pinisil ang aking labi. Ilang sandali lang, natatarantang lumabas ang babae at dinaanan lamang ako, hindi na ako napansin pa sa pagmamadali. The fucker knows how to break not just someone’s temper but also someone’s heart.

I tilted my head to see him inside and knocked on the door. Tumingin siya sa akin, medyo nagkasalubong ang kilay ngunit tahimik na niligpit ang laptop niya at iba pang libro.

I leaned against the side of the door and crossed my arms as I looked at him playfully.

“You rejected her because of your buddy?” I taunted.

“You’ve eaten?” he asked nonchalantly while putting his things in his bag.

“Not yet. I’m kind of craving for something else.” I rested my head at the side of the door and looked at him thirstily.

Bumaling siya sa akin. His thick glasses showed how cold his eyes were, but he’d always manage to put a slight emotion there if he wanted to.

“In broad daylight, and all you were thinking was my dick?” he stated nonchalantly.

Humalakhak ako at malagkit siyang tiningnan. “Why? You aren’t?”

His eyes drifted on my pants. Bumaba rin ang tingin ko roon, sinisiguradong tulog dahil ayoko namang ma-issue dito sa school.

“Wait for me in the parking lot. Here.” Inihagis niya sa akin ang susi.

“What? We’re both men. We could just walk around the school without getting suspicious—”

“Chloe,” he interrupted.

Natutop ang bibig ko. Oh shit. I forgot that part. Tumango ako at hinaplos ang batok ko. Embarrassing. I almost dated his sister, and he caught my hand on his sister’s chest. Damn it.

Nauna ako sa parking lot at iyon ang iniisip ko. Imagine Chloe’s shock once she found out my new fuck buddy right now was her brother. Hindi niya nga mapapatunayang kaya kong magloko pero baliko naman? That I fuck men?

I occupied the front seat and opened some of his compartments. Bumili ba siya ng condom? I’ve seen the girly things of his sister, which made me close the compartment. You are really out of your mind, Maverick.

Ilang minuto lang, sumunod na siya at binuksan ang driver’s seat. He only put his things in the back seat of the car and shoved the key to start the engine.

Tumingin ako sa paraan ng pagkakapasok niya. Lumingon siya sa akin, nakaangat agad ang kilay.

“You wish that was you, huh?” He taunted and put his hand on the gear, pulling it with his veiny arms.

Nangingiti akong umirap. “It’s my turn.”

“If you suck,” he said, driving out of the parking lot.

Fine, then. ’Yan lang naman pala? I don’t know where he was taking me, but I am more fired up that we’ll finally do it.

“By the way…” tikhim ko nang maalala ang huling linggo na umuwi ako at may nabanggit si Riri.

Lumingon siya sa akin.

“Riri wants to see you. I’m planning to take them to go karting, but I’m…”

“When? This weekend?” agap niya.

Marahan ang tango ko, nakatingin lamang sa labas ng bintana.

“But I know she would understand it if you were busy and you couldn’t—”

“I can make time,” he cut me off, determined.

Napabaling ako. “I kind of like that Arki version of you, which my little sister knows. Nakakapagbigay agad ng oras.”

“Why? Are you willing to drop off some things to prioritize me too?” tanong niya, nanghahamon.

“I’m making time. It’s just that my friends have a lot of plans too.”

Tumango siya at binasa ang labi. “I know… With Tyler too?”

Bahagya akong natawa at tumango. “Yup. With Tyler too. And Ron. Well, with Shiloh—most of my friends, actually. Hindi naman ako mag-isa na tumatambay sa bahay nila Con. Kasama ko ang mga boys—”

“And Tyler?” he added. His eyes were on the road as he boredly tilted his head on his knuckles while he used his right arm to handle the steering wheel.

“Yes, Tyler.” Tumawa ulit ako. “Of course…with Tyler.”

He side-eyed me. He looked at my lips like he was slightly pissed that I was laughing about it or happy about it. Binasa ko ang labi at ngumisi lalo sa kanya.

“Funny?” he asked sarcastically.

I stifled my smile and cleared my throat. Badshot. Bakit ba pinag-uusapan namin ang hayop na si Tyler? Baka di pa kami matuloy ngayon dahil nawawala siya sa mood.

I remembered my conversation with Shiloh. Napapansin ko naman. Ilang beses na nga. I just don’t want to point out why he was continuously mentioning Tyler. Parang sa lahat ng lalake kong kaibigan, diyan siya irita. Kulang nalang ihampas niya sa pader tuwing nakikita niya.

I know his preference. He likes men, to be exact. Because why would he fuck me if he wasn’t into men? And maybe…he’s open to deeper relationships with men too. Maybe not just for fuck.

But…is he…jealous? He likes me? He feels deeper than… lust?

“Let’s just eat somewhere,” he murmured.

Gago na ’yan. Hayop na Tyler. Lagi nalang may nabibigay na problema kahit wala namang ginagawa. It’s like his existence and Tyler just breathing were Rade’s main problems.

But then…it’s entertaining and amusing. He seemed like nothing could break his composure. And yet… there’s his little ass getting jealous? Gusto kong matawa kaso baka ma badtrip lalo. Seloso naman pala…

He was now boredly looking at the road, so I cleared my throat.

“Hotel,” agap ko.

He side-eyed me. Cold and serious.

“I’ll suck you off,” I offered voluntarily, just to calm him down from sulking or whatever.

Chapter 18

Warning: R-18

Lost

We checked into the hotel, Ermita, and it was Tyler who recommended it. Maganda daw dito eh. But I hope the cockroach he said wasn’t true.

Rade was silent while we checked in. Gusto ko sanang ako ang magbayad kaso mabilis niyang kinuha ang wallet niya, binigay ang card, at hindi na nag-abalang itanong sa akin kung may pera ba ako.

Napansin ko ang kakaibang titig ng babae sa front desk. Maybe because they were used to opposite sexes coming together and it was rare to see men. I could sense her curiosity, but she remained a welcoming person and smiled at us. 

“We’ll eat first,” aniya nang naglakad na kami pagkatapos kunin ang susi ng aming kwarto.

I’m kind of hungry this time, for real. But still, my mind was now thinking about giving him head. I’ve watched it out of curiosity. Kakakamay ko lately, iyon nalang ang takbuhan ko minsan. Nanonood ng kung ano-ano at napadpad na doon sa sinasabi lagi ni Tyler na sword fight.

Some men were giving heads like they’re just eating out a girl. I could do that. Easy. As if I haven’t tried being blow too. I know that feeling. It was amazing.

And now… I’d be the one giving it. I think it’s easy. Yeah. I could do it. Para saan pa nga naman ang pagiging fuck buddy kung hindi ko rin kakabisaduhin ang mga ganitong bagay. We should explore and spice this up so we can pleasure each other.

He opened the door, and we both entered the room. I immediately checked the bathroom to see if it was clean. And it was. Wala rin ’yung sinasabi ni Tyler na ipis.

Tumingin ako sa kama at iyon pa naman ang pinagmamalaki ni Tyler. I also looked at the sofa and realized that the color really matched the color of the sofa in Tejano’s house.

I smirked at myself and took my phone out to brag about it to Tyler while Rade was busy on the telephone, ordering food.

Mavric:

I finally met your Ermita hahahaha

Nagreply agad si Tyler.

Tyler:

Damn bro, I’m jealous. I miss being there.

Mavric:

There’s no cockroach.

Tyler:

Nagbalikan ba kayo ni Chloe?

Mavric:

What about Chloe?

Tyler:

Bro her brother is quite scary. Parang nadadamay kami. Sinamaan kami ng tingin ni Ron noong nakaraang araw. Nilalandi mo na naman siguro si Chloe. Drop her, dude.

Are you sure it was you and Ron he glared at, Tyler? Baka nga ikaw lang.

Mavric:

Hahaha makikipagsuntukan ako sa kuya niya.

Tyler:

Magpasipsip ka gago. Hindi ’yung kakalabanin mo. Coach is planning to recruit one more player. Parang balak ni Angelo lumipat ng school. Kaibiganin mo ’yan para masali sa varsity.

I heard that too. Last game nalang ni Angelo this year at lilipat na ng school. Hindi na kami medyo pumalag eh bangko din naman din ’yon lagi. Mabilis pang ma injury.

Pero kawawa si Tyler pag sumali ’to at siya ang nirecruit ni coach. He might only focus on elbowing Tyler’s face instead of making a shot. Kaso hindi naman mahilig ito sa basketball. He’s not into sports, as far as I remember.

“Do you play basketball?” tanong ko nang ibaba niya na ang telephone.

“I don’t.” Thank God.

“But you know?”

“Just some board games. I am more into board games,” aniya at umupo doon sa sofa.

Tumango ako at tumikhim. He leaned on the sofa and slightly parted his legs, taking his phone out.

Tumingin ako saglit sa kandungan niya. He found my eyes looking at it, so he spread his legs more, looking at me with those meaningful signals.

Nangingiti kong isinilid ang phone sa aking pants at naglakad patungo sa kanya. Sumandal siya sa sofa at nanatili ang titig sa akin.

“So…if I successfully suck you off, I’ll be the top?” Nangingiti kong tanong at itinuko ang kamay sa gilid niya.

Our faces were level. His eyes drifted slowly to my lips for a while, then he dragged his gaze back to my eyes.

“We’ll see…”

I laughed, took his glasses out of his eyes, and tried it curiously. He slightly smiled when I tried it on. Humalukipkip siya at inihiga ang ulo sa sofa habang titig na titig sa pangingialam ko sa salamin niya.

“Looks good…on you,” he complimented hoarsely.

Umangat ang kilay ko. “Like a nerd?”

“An asshole nerd,” he uttered, slightly smirking.

I took my phone out of my pants. Pinindot ko ang camera at doon pinanood ang mukha ko, namamangha na mukha akong matino ngayong naka salamin.

I took some photos so I could post them later on my social media.

“Let me see,” ani Rade at kinuha iyon sa aking kamay pagkatapos kong magpicture.

Ipinatong ko ang aking tuhod sa nakaparte niyang mga hita at pasimple iyong idiniin. I cleared my throat and acted like it wasn’t on purpose as I looked at the screen of my phone innocently.

“You can even sit on it, Evander,” he said nonchalantly while swiping with photos.

Tumawa ako. I watched him manipulate my own phone when my phone beeped and Tyler’s text popped out on the screen.

Tyler:

Sinama mo sana ako. Like we could do some sword fight for fun. Bro bonding. Hahahaha :D

Ang suot kong ngiti ay unti-unting napawi lalo na’t parehas kaming naroon ang tingin, nagbabasa. At sa pagkatigil niya, sa pag-angat ng kilay, alam kong basang basa niya ’yon.

Oh, what the fuck! Wala nga tayong tinatagong baho pero ganitong baho naman ang sumusulpot.

“It’s a joke,” agap ko at gusto iyong agawin sa kanya. “Inside joke in our circle.” Tang inang Tyler! Mablock nga siya.

“Do you joke around like this with Shiloh too?” he interrogated, gripping my phone, stopping me from getting it.

Umiling ako at binitiwan ang aking phone. “Hindi. Iba si Shiloh. He’s not ready for that kind of—”

“And Tyler was ready?” Tiningnan niya ako, medyo sarkastiko na ang tinig niya.

I pressed my lips against the side of my mouth.

“I wouldn’t really mind if you were like that with your friends too. It’s just an inside joke. Mga biruan ng boys. Wala bang gano’n sa inyo? Ano ang inside joke niyo? About bricks and cements?” I chuckled, trying to divert the topic.

“I’m not into your sports, but I’m into boxing, Judo, and Taekwondo.” Bigla niyang banggit, tila ba may pinapahiwatig sa bagay na iyon.

Marahan ang pagkakatango ko. Mukhang delikado si Tyler, ah? It’s like he was telling me a straight threat for Tyler if we didn’t stop these kinds of jokes.

“And I’m into you?” ngisi ko kahit alam kong hindi gagana ang ganitong mga hirit sa kanya.

Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa screen ng phone ko. He looked more serious now, unlike earlier, when he seemed to be in the mood.

I’m used to girls sulking, which I just sometimes ignore. Basta alam ko, wala akong ginagawang mali, at hindi totoo ang mga iniisip nila o binibintang. One explanation is enough. I would not even convince them to believe until it would lead to breakups and a sudden cutoff.

It was my lack of communication that ruined my relationship with them. My lack of effort to reach out and explain things. If it’s done, it’s done. I’d drop it right away because I don’t want something that would drain me.

“Up to you if…”

“If what?” he asked.

I scratched my nape. Fucking shit, Tyler. Bakit ba tayo naging close?

Naalala ko ang advice ni Brent kay Con. It’s communication. I know that. A relationship will work if you communicate what’s on your mind so you two can settle it.

But…this…are we even in a relationship? Hindi naman, ah?

But it’s bothersome to see him thinking Tyler and I might have something. Wala naman. Bakit ko ’yon papatulan? Alam naming dalawa ni Tyler na inside joke lang ’yon. But from Rade’s perspective, he might misinterpret it?

“Nagseselos ka?” I asked slowly, chuckling a bit, but I was ready to address it.

Rade was slightly shocked when I pointed it out. Maybe he sees me as someone who dodges the main problem at all. Well…I’m quite learning here. I’m trying to work this shit out.

“I don’t feel good with you joking around with him like that. That’s it,” he responded.

“Let me hear your rules then,” sabi ko.

“The dominant would follow some rules?” May pagdududa sa titig niya.

I chuckled and rested my head against my knuckles.

“To avoid this. Uh…to stop you from…misinterpreting things?”

Umangat lalo ang kilay niya. I haven’t done this with my past experiences, but I’m learning here. Wala namang mawawala kung makikinig ako diyan sa mga gusto niya. Para maibsan ’yang ikinakasama ng loob niya.

“Tyler was your boy toy?” he asked suspiciously.

Cringe. Kung magkakaroon ako ng type sa lalake na kaibigan baka si Tyler ang pinaka hindi ko gugustuhin. Baka nga si Connor nalang. Serious and calm.

“No. Wala talaga. Binibiro lang kita doon.” I confessed sincerely and smirked.

He was now judging me to the core. Mabubungi pa yata ako dito kung di ko pinaliwanag nang maayos.

“Inaasar lang kita para makuha ang gusto ko,” marahan kong paliwanag. “Pero wala talaga.”

He arched his brow. “So if you want something, instead of communicating it, you’d tease me?”

I shrugged. “Maybe?”

His face immediately calmed down. “I already gave you what you wanted. No more teasing then. Stop joking around with that walking noodles.”

Walking noodles. What the fuck? He got a nickname for Tyler.

“I’m also curly. So I’m also a walking noodles?” Natatawa kong tanong.

Tiningnan niya ang dimple ko. Medyo kalmado na kumpara kanina na halatang irita. Biglang may nagdoorbell kaya umalis ako sa harap niya at naglakad sa pinto.

Our food was finally delivered. Kumain muna kami habang pinapanood ko ang action movie na pinalabas sa flatscreen TV. I was enjoying it while munching my food and turned my phone off for a while, so there were no more distractions.

Noong matapos kumain, umupo ulit si Rade sa sofa kaya iyon na ang kinuhang tyempo ko.

Now that I have this chance, I don’t know how to start it. Should I uh…kiss him? Can I even kiss him? Well, I do kiss my fuck buddies, but…

He looked at me tauntingly. “You bragged about being the top, but you were clueless, like a straight fucker who’s only good with girls. If you’re uncomfortable with kissing, proceed here.” He yanked my nape down until he shoved my face on his lap.

Napaluhod na ako sa harapan niya at napahawak sa mga hita niya. He was still parting his legs as he boredly rested his head against his knuckles and looked down, like I needed to please him to get his interest first.

Damn him! But then, it quite stimulated me. It was…a turn-on, especially since I felt his hardness bulging in his pants when my face was pressed against them. I lifted my gaze, smiled, and bit it teasingly to let him see that I was fucking game with whatever he would shove at me.

His brows furrowed, while his eyes intensified more. I scratched my teeth on his bulge, still smiling at him playfully.

“What? You think I’m a beginner?” I asked, planting a kiss on his bulge until it grew even bigger.

Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko, kung nasaan mismo ang dimple ko. He scoffed and smiled back.

“Sexy bastard…” he whispered hoarsely.

I unbuckled his pants willingly when my pants were tightening as well. Nandito na, aayawan pa. If I want this to work out, I should do the things that would please us both.

I pulled his pants just enough to free his shaft. Nakita ko naman na iyon noon pa. But to see it again—big and monstrous—I slowly gulped. Hayop. Kakasya ba ’to sa bibig ko? Kaya pala parang baseball bat ang pinasok sa akin sa sobrang sakit at ilang araw akong paika ika.

“This shit is big,” I complained, pulling it out completely.

What did I sign up for, seriously? Ganito na ba ako ka tigang? Hindi ospital ang bagsak ko nito. Sementeryo agad. Nakakamatay sa laki.

“You can’t?” he asked. “And you’re boasting you’d fuck me, huh? How are you supposed to loosen me? Do you even lick?”

Crazy bastard.

But then, this is it. If I wanted to dominate him, I should show who’s in charge. If this is his condition, then…

I leaned closer while my eyes were on him until my lips touched the pinkish tip. His expression showed how much it affected him when his brows were furrowed, and he looked like he’d close his eyes anytime soon.

I stuck my tongue out and mimicked how the girls would use it to suck me. I swirled it at the tip and let my lips graze on its length. This shit is real. I feel like I am licking my own dick.

It was my first time, but it’s quite amusing to experience such things as exploring your fubu’s body. But despite my first experience, I wanted to get used to it, learn from it, and understand it.

So I moved my hand slowly while licking the tip and its length as I tried to study it, letting myself become familiar with his hardness.

I looked up again until I saw him looking at me; his brows were furrowed while he looked so turned on watching me. I smiled and put it in my mouth, which made him shut his eyes and grunt.

I knew the feeling. And seeing his reaction, completely aroused by it, I could feel myself throbbing too.

He sighed heavily and gripped my hair as he pushed my head down, shoving it in completely. Naubo ako at halos mabilakuan nang bumangga pa iyon sa lalamunan ko! Gago! Ang pangit sa pakiramdam!

I was about to complain and looked at him again when I saw how he looked so turned on while shutting his eyes, grunting like a hurt animal while the veins on his neck were protruding.

Entertained by his expression, I continued doing it. He was now thrusting my head back and forth, and I would slightly squint my eyes, but his whimpers were kind of stimulating, so I let him control my head. It felt weird, but I can’t stop myself from doing it.

Ilang sandali lang, inalis niya iyon sa bibig ko at hinila sa tiyan niya. The splashing was so intense that I chuckled and looked up to him.

“See? If I’d fuck you right now, you might squirm.”

His lips were parted while he was slightly gasping for air, and his eyes looked sleepy.

“I’d give you head too. Then let’s judge who’s better as top,” he challenged.

Napawi ang ngisi ko. This isn’t good. I felt like he would get his way again because he wasn’t new to this. He’s expert. Unlike me. That was my fucking first time!

“Chickening out?” he said, tilting his head with a smug on his face.

Umangat lamang ang aking kilay at tumayo. Nakatitig ako sa kanya habang hinuhubad ang belt. Hinila niya ang hita ko hanggang nakatayo na ako sa mismong nakaparte niyang mga hita.

He leaned closer and kissed my abdomen while his hands caressed my legs upwards until his hands were now cupping my buttocks. His lips grazed on the length that made me hold against his shoulder because I think he’d suck all of my energy out of me.

This fucker is damn wilder than I expected. And I am completely in full blast with just his beginning foreplays; I think I’d explode right then.

Napamura ako nang bigla niya akong itinumba sa sofa nang walang kahirap-hirap. He completely hovered me until our faces leveled and he parted my legs, pushing the left one until it dropped on the side of the sofa.

Shit.

Yumuko siya, nakaparte ang labi at umukit ang uhaw na titig sa akin. I parted my lips, bracing for whatever he was planning, when he bit my chin, which made me whimper.

Nakatuko ang mga siko ko sa balikat ng sofa kung saan din ako nakasandal habang yumuyuko na si Rade at nasa dibdib ko na, hinawi lamang paangat ang dulo ng t-shirt ko.

He planted a kiss on my nipple as I groaned. He was scratching his teeth on it, swirling his tongue, and thumbing the others, which made me throb uncontrollably.

Gumapang ang kamay niya pababa at hinawakan ako doon. I squinted my eyes when my stomach churned, and I could feel the heat traveling in each corner of my body when he started stroking me.

“Not yet,” he warned, like he knew I was almost at the edge.

Mabigat na ang paghinga ko. For the days that I haven’t done it, I think I would burst right there and then with just a few strokes, and it was so frustrating to hold it in.

He stroked it fast while he rested his forehead on me as his eyes locked in mine while we were both parting our lips and looking at each other intensely.

“Let’s loosen you up,” he said as he licked his two fingers and shoved them in.

I was too lost in the heat until I felt his fingers. I grunted and shut my eyes. Why am I getting fingered again? Is this part of the process? Sure, it’s stimulating, but what the hell, is he…

“Fuck!” I grunted and looked at him helplessly.

Naroon na siya sa ibaba ko. His head was now leveled on my thigh and I knew what he was planning. He gripped both of my legs while his fingers were moving continuously, and his mouth was now completely shoved into mine.

“Rade!” pigil ko, gusto siyang awatin ngunit sinagad niya iyon sa lalamunan niya kaya halos mapapikit ako at nasundan ng namamaos kong daing.

It felt so fucking good! Damn it, I’m getting addicted to this.

“Fuck!” I gripped his hair and grinded against his mouth when it was too stimulating and his fingers were hitting some good spots.

I threw my head back, my jaw clenching, and I couldn’t stop moving my hips. I was going crazy. I could feel my veins popping out of my neck while my stomach churned as I rode his mouth with my full blast boner.

I was feeling the heavy build up as I tried to hold it in because it was so good and I didn’t want to explode yet. I want to delay it. I want to suffer through it pleasurably.

I could hear him moaning as well, as if he was having a good time making me suffer while the tip of my shaft was already reaching his throat and I was already twitching. Holy crap! This is the best head ever!

His fingers pinched something that made me arch my body and push his head more as I grunted loudly at my intense twitching.

Before I could even finish with the intense climax, he had already flipped me while I was still panting for my life, glancing at the side and looking up at him.

“Ass up, Evander. You lost,” he ordered, pulling his t-shirt at the back.

Fuck. I’m dead.

Chapter 19

Warning: R-18

Girlfriend

I shut my eyes when I knew this shit would hurt.

“I bought some gels. Though you’re wet enough, it might help to ease the pain at least…” aniya at umalis sa likod ko.

He’s damn prepared. He really knew he’s the one who’s banging me, huh? Umalis siya at kinuha ang gamit niya. I shove my face completely onto the sofa and shut my eyes.

It was good, but damn it, I am a top! I should be the one who’s in charge, who’s pleasuring, and who’s banging. And then here’s Rade, completely dominating me.

Pinagyabang ko pa kay Shiloh pero…nasa ilalim ako ngayon? And worse, he defeated me through giving head.

I haven’t done this, alright? It’s understandable. I’m used to girls… Yes, this is understandable. I was straight, and I just changed my preference. Hindi ko naman alam na magkakainteres pala ako rito, dahil kung alam ko lang, edi sana noon pa tumikim na rin ako ’di ba?

I positioned my face at the side to see the fucker who’d be railing me again. His shaft was fully aroused, and he was now walking back to me. This shit would hurt for real.

“Here in the bed.”

The boss. I’m really ashamed of this. What am I, really? His dog?

I got up and walked to the bed. Parang pasan pasan ko ang mundo nang itinapon ko ang sarili ko doon at pahigang sinubsob ang mukha ko sa unan.

“Fine. You can be the top,” ani Rade na mabilis na ikinabangon ng ulo ko.

I was slightly unconvinced, but when he laid on the bed, putting his hands at the back of his head like he was ready for it, I immediately got up and hovered over him.

I kneeled in between his thighs, preparing to enter him. But then he suddenly controlled my waist and pushed me to sit on his throbbing member. I groaned.

“Don’t misinterpret it. I meant the position,” he said with a slight smirk on his lips.

“Fuck!” I squinted my eyes when it reached the brim.  Naituko ko ang mga kamay ko sa tiyan niya at napadaing. It hurt, though the gel he put really helped that it entered without too much pain, but it still hurts.

He gripped my thigh and moved his hips and I grunted as I rested my hands on the headboard of the bed, gripping it while whimpering over him.

He leaned closer and scraped his teeth on the skin of my neck while he was moving. I groaned and shut my eyes as the heat intensely ruled all throughout my body.

He wrapped his hand around my shaft; his thumb was on the tip, and as he pressed it, I grunted more.

But I just can’t act like a loser here. So I moved my hips and slammed myself into him, meeting all of his thrust that he grunted too. I smirked, proud of myself that I could still fuck him despite the truth that he was the one railing me.

Napabalik siya sa pagkakahiga, nanghina sa paggalaw ko pabalik. The veins on his neck were protruding as he bit his lower lip and squinted his eyes a bit, looking so turned on by my movements.

If he’d wreck my hole, then I’d snap his dick. That’s it. I’m not gonna end up being the one who’s been fucked here. I’d fuck him too.

I felt him grow even bigger, and he was now changing the pace of his movement. My lips parted, and I shut my eyes and cursed. He was hitting to the brim, his tip touching something that I couldn’t stop whimpering.

Palaban talaga! Ayaw nahihigitan! But this is crazy. It’s weird to say, but I really like this shit. I’m obsessed with the pleasure and the things he could do to my body.

Muli siyang bumangon at kinagat ang balikat ko. Bumaba pa iyon sa dibdib ko at iyon ang kinagat niya na ikinadaing ko.

He looked up while he was biting my chest as my lips parted. My eyes were sleepily looking at him, and I knew the lust was etched on my face.

His head shifted to my neck, and he slightly licked the skin, then scraped his teeth again, sucking it. I shut my eyes when he was now roughly thrusting it, and I was only trying to keep up, matching his speed.

We were both slamming hard, but he was torturing me by thumbing the tip of my shaft and sucking the skin of my neck, and I felt like I’d burst out right away.

“Fuck!” I growled when, seconds later, I was now twitching, and it splashed on his stomach.

He grunted as well; his movements slowed down as he pushed it for the last time until he reached his climax too.

Hinihingal ko siyang tiningnan. Napunta ang tingin niya sa kanyang tiyan at inilandas doon ang kanyang daliri.

“Are you this pent-up?” tanong niya at isinubo ang daliri para tikman iyon.

Napatingin ako sa ginawa niya. He licked his lower lip, so I laughed lightly. Damn this motherfucker. I cannot believe he’s this…

I wonder how many times he does this and why he seems so comfortable with men. Umalis ako sa ibabaw niya at gumulong pahiga sa gilid niya.

“What are you, really? Are you gay or…bi?” tanong ko habang nakatitig sa ceiling.

“I’m fine with girls and boys but I’m more interested in boys now,” he answered.

“So you had a girlfriend?” Nilingon ko siya.

Umiling siya.

“Really? But you slept with a woman?”

Umiling ulit siya. My eyes widened, and I rested my elbows on the bed just to slightly get up while looking at him unbelievably.

“You…haven’t?”

“I used to have feelings for a woman. Just shallow. That’s it.”

Which means I am more experienced with girls than he is. And he is more experienced with boys than I was.

“Who? Verena?” agad kong hula nang mabanggit iyon ni Shiloh.

Umangat ang kilay niya. “So the sunshine snitched.”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. “Si Verena nga?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

Oh, the most famous woman in every university since she’s everyone’s girl crush. Brent’s ideal girl, Kael’s obsessed with her, and every boy’s first crush in the university once you saw her. Maganda nga naman… Pero hindi naman ako nagkainteres pormahan dahil din hindi naman kasing kapal ang mukha ko katulad ng kay Brent na malakas ang kumpyansa kahit alam niyang hindi siya papatulan.

Tumango ako. “Ah…sobrang ganda nga no’n. Gandang ganda rin ako sa kanya noong nakita ko ’yon. But when I found out Brent is into her as well, and some of the boys too, I didn’t try my luck.”

“Yeah. Very pretty…” He nodded, agreeing.

I thought he was completely gay, so he’s also into women too? Wow.

“Round two,” he suddenly said, hovering over me.

Man… Rade and his stone heart. Ayaw akong pagbigyan. We’ve done it three times, and he really dominates me in every way. And the more he’s shoving it, the more I’m getting used to it.

Hindi ko naman matalo talo. If he’d jack me off, I’d explode right away. Unlike him. He seemed to be so good at controlling himself.

I got out of bed out of my usual habit to get my clothes when my knees wobbled and my ass really tingled. Hayop. Pakiramdam ko pa nadehydrate ako at parang lantang gulay na gagapang patungong banyo.

“No more?” tanong niya.

Nilingon ko siya. Nakakulob na siya sa kama at titig na titig sa akin habang niyayakap ang unan.

“You’d break me if we’d do another round.” Saka ko dinampot ang t-shirt ko at itinuro ang bathroom.

He nodded. Ngumisi ako sa kanya at pinilit na naglakad na papasok sa bathroom. Bumungad ang salamin. My eyes widened when I saw my body with a lot of red marks and the bite of his teeth. Monster. I’m dealing with a monster.

But then, I only shrug it off. He knows how to satisfy me. I’m having the best day of my life when he drives me back to school since he told me he has some things to do.

“See you this Sunday. I’ll text you the address of our house later,” sabi ko habang binubuksan na ang pinto.

He nodded quietly, looking at me. I smiled playfully and slipped out of his car.

“Bye?” I smiled and crouched a bit to look at him inside again.

He nodded quietly again, his eyes looking at me like I’m a puzzle he’s trying to study. I tapped the head of the car and turned my back. Beast. But damn, I really like it.

I didn’t text him anymore the next day since I wanted him to rest and I was busy with my subjects too. Hindi rin naman nagtetext kaya hindi ko na kinulit.

“Arki!” ang tumatakbong si Riri patungo sa kanya na ngiting ngiti nang dumating ang linggo at maaga siyang pumunta sa bahay. 8 A.M.

I expected that Mom wouldn’t be home already. But I told her we’d go karting, so she sent money into my bank account.

Rade smiled and crouched to welcome her. Inangat niya ito at agad silang nag-usap. Riri was giggling, and she was so invested in his presence that I could really tell the two were talking continuously.

“It’s Arki!” si Jester nang lumabas na rin at nakasunod si Lala, dala ang mga gamit nila na kinuha ko sa kanya.

Lala’s eyes widened. “Ang gwapo! Totoong tao pala talaga ’yung kausap ni Riri! Para kasing sketch sa sobrang pogi sa camera!”

I chuckled and shook my head while Jester was already hugging my leg, a bit shy to walk toward them.

I ruffled his hair. “You know him?”

Tumingala si Jester at tumango. “Yes. We’re playing Call of Duty together just this week with Ate Verena. Kuya Arki is a good gamer, Kuya.”

Really? Wow.

“He also lets me borrow his account since his rank is legendary!”

Ngumuso ako. Jester seemed so invested on talking about it while I watched Rade smile while talking to my sister.

“Tapos irarank-up niya rin daw ang account ko. I reached master when he borrowed my account! Bibigyan niya rin daw ako ng weapons!”

But unlike Riri, who’s just so friendly, Jester can’t even come near him. Medyo nahihiya pa pero patingin tingin kay Rade, parang gusto niya ring lapitan kaso dahil abala kay Riri, ayaw niya.

Naglakad na kami patungo sa kotse ni Rade lalo na’t iyon ang gagamitin namin. Nandito naman ang pick up na Ford Ranger sa garahe pero ang kotse niya nalang siguro. I don’t want to drive.

“Jest,” tawag ni Rade.

Jester’s face was lightened by how his presence was acknowledged. He smiled and ran to him.

Rade smiled and ruffled his hair. Nangingiting yumakap si Jester sa hita niya habang patingin tingin ako sa kanila at pinapasok sa likod ng kotse ang mga dadalhing gamit para sa trip.  Mga towels lang naman iyon, polbo ni Riri, at ’yung hindi niya maiwan iwang stuff toy na unicorn.

“Arki? Ikaw ba ’yon si Arki?” at pati pa yata ang loob ng aming kasambahay, nakuha niya rin.

Rade nodded. “Good morning.”

Mas lumawak ang ngiti ni Lala. “Oh! Ikaw nga! ’Yung laging ka FaceTime ni Riri! Naku pasensya na minsan ha… Di ko mapagsabihan si Riri. Baka nadidisturbo kana…” si Lala na ngiting ngiti.

“Ayos lang,” si Rade.

I smiled at Lala, wanting to tease her to Rade, but then I just shrugged it off and called Jester to let him into the back seat.

“Ang gu-gwapo talaga ng mga kaibigan mo, Mavric. Saan mo ba ’yan pinagpupulot?” bulong niya at patingin tingin kay Rade na pinapasok na rin si Riri sa back seat.

Nagpaalam din naman kami sa kanya. Ako ang naupo sa front seat at ang dalawa kong kapatid ay mukhang naka-adjust agad sa presensya ni Rade.

Sanay naman ako sa travels kasama ang friends ko pero nakakapanibago na si Rade ang kasama ko. He was only wearing a black t-shirt and khaki shorts while wearing his glasses. Naka puting t-shirt ako at denim pants saka puting Nike shoes.

“Kuya! Play Frozen! Anna’s song!” si Riri nang nagpasya akong magpa music lalo na’t medyo aabot sa two hours at higit ang byahe depende pa sa traffic.

“Not again!” reklamo ni Jester kaya natawa agad ako dahil alam kong madalas siyang biktima.

It was Riri’s favorite song since she loves Disney music. At ang gusto niya, kapag kakanta siya, kakanta rin kami. That’s why Jester hates it, because Riri would not stop bugging him unless he didn’t sing the parts.

Sumabog agad ang intro ng kanta sa kabuuan ng kotse.

“Okay, can I just say something crazy?” Riri started singing in her bubbly voice while using her comb as her own mic and looked at Jester, who frowned.

Mabilis niyang itinapat ang kanyang hair brush kay Jester. Tumingin si Rade sa itaas ng salamin. Lumingon ako sa likod at nakita ang busangot na mukha ni Jester, supladong tumingin sa labas ng bintana at nakahalukipkip sa upuan habang napilitang sabayan ang trip ni Riri.

“I love crazy,” he mumbled boredly. His words were so forceful that they were out of tune.

“All my life has been a series of doors in my face… and then suddenly I bump into you…” Riri sang cutely, with an exaggerated expression that made me chuckle while nodding her head.

“I was thinking the same thing. ’Cause like I’ve been searching my whole life to find my own place…And maybe it’s the party talking or the chocolate fondue…” Jester sang while scowling when Riri handed her brush to him again, her head bouncing to vibe with the music while mouthing the lyrics, guiding Jester.

Ngumuso si Rade at sumisilay ang ngiti sa labi. Nailing ako at natawa sa kapatid ko. Riri is really that hyper that she would involve people in her games too because she doesn’t want them to get bored.

“Kuya Kuya! Your turn!” at nadadamay na nga ang sibilyan.

Nakatayo na siya sa likod at itinatapat ang hairbrush sa akin. Lumingon din si Rade sa gilid at iniharang ang kamay, baka sakaling masubsob siya bigla.

I leaned closer to her made-up mic and sang the lyrics, which I had already memorized since this wasn’t really the first time she had done this.

“Love is an open door…” I sang in my low voice while Riri was singing with me, shouting the high notes cutely.

Lumingon si Rade sa pagkanta ko. Well, it’s childish, but I’m used to bonding with my siblings. He even smirked at me, so I rolled my eyes, smiling as well while Riri was still continuing her mini concert as we sang.

“Love is an open door!” si Riri na sa chorus na pasigaw iyong kinanta.

Rade chuckled. Nangingiti kong binasa ang pang-ibabang labi, namamangha na ganito siya kadaling matawa o ngumiti sa mga bata. Does he like kids?

“You should learn the lyrics so you could join us, Arki,” ani Riri.

Rade nodded and cleared his throat. “Okay…”

Humalakhak ako at sinamaan niya pa ng tingin. Ang badboy nito tingnan tapos mapapakanta lang ng Disney music ni Riri? I can’t imagine it!

The trip wasn’t that boring because we sang Riri’s favorite Disney songs. Medyo kabisado ko na ’yung iba dahil sa kanya. Ano nalang kaya kung nasa bahay ako? She would even paint my nails while letting me sit on her small pink chair and have some tea with her. She’s that bubbly. Even Jester would be forced to participate in it, or else she would be crying and disturbing us on our PlayStation if we didn’t participate in her own games.

Dumayo pa kami sa ibang lugar dito sa KCT in Taclac since I tried their go-kart here many times now, and it was one of my nice experiences, especially it’s an open track unlike in SM North Edsa.

The instructor, as usual, explained some rules and regulations. Nagrent ako ng go-kart para mas ma-enjoy ni Jester nang ilang oras niya gusto.

“Ako na,” agap ko kay Rade nang maglabas na naman ng pitaka.

Solo ang kinuha ko kay Jester since he’s quite an expert on this at pasok naman ang edad niya for solo. Si Riri ay nasa akin bilang passenger ko lalo na’t double kart ang kinuha ko dahil ayaw niyang magdrive nang mag-isa habang solo naman ang kay Rade.

Katamtaman lang ang init. When we got into our own assigned kart while wearing a hair net, which Riri only had among us for her hair to keep out of her face together, and helmets, we joined the other seven more kart racers for our first batch, sumigaw na agad si Riri sa excitement.

“Arki, Kuya will beat you and Jester!” Riri bragged.

Ramdam ko ang sumisigaw na kayabangan sa ekspresyon ni Rade. If Riri wasn’t with me, I wouldn’t mind racing fast with him. Kaso hindi eh. Baka mabungal ako ni mommy pag nalaman niya itong kalokohan ko.

Jester immediately drove fast, like he didn’t care what was waiting for him on the edge of the laps. I was a bit worried that I would immediately chase after him, but then I tried to slow down when Riri gripped my arm while she was shouting excitedly.

Tumingin ako muli kay Jester at nakita kong nakahabol din naman agad si Rade sa kanya. It seems like he was guarding him and making sure he got his eyes on him sometimes.

“Jest!” kaway ni Riri nang lumebel kami sa kanya saglit.

Jester didn’t even glance at us and just rode it fast like an expert racer.

“Kuya! Chase Arki! Chase Arki!” si Riri na sobrang ingay at itinuturo pa ito.

I chased after him. Rade slowed down until we’re now leveled, and he glanced at me.

“Drive safely, okay?!” she conversed childishly, shouting it.

Rade made a small nod. I overtook on him and positioned it at the front, proud of myself for a bit, but then seconds later, he overtook and was now leading again.

Kahit ba dito hindi niya ako pagbibigyan? Swabe na lamang akong nagmaneho. Si Jester naman ay masyado pang chill tingnan kahit nagpapaharurot na. I cannot believe he’s this aggressive.

Isang oras din ang naubos namin dahil tuwang tuwa si Riri. Jester seemed to be more fun too, so even if we’d spend the whole day on the racing track, he doesn’t mind.

“The best go kart ever!” sigaw ni Jester at itinaas ang mga kamay niyang nakayukom.

Ginaya siya ni Riri at pinilit niya rin ang sariling magmukhang matapang habang karga ko na.

“Kuya Arki! We should play paintball!” biglang yaya ni Jester.

“What is paintball?” si Riri na tumagilid ang ulo.

“It’s not for you! It’s for boys only since it involves guns!” si Jester.

Nakasimangot na tumingin si Riri sa akin. We were now walking to the nearest restaurant so we could eat.

“Kuya, am I not allowed to play games that involve guns?” she asked.

Tumingin si Rade sa akin, naninimbang ang titig. I smiled and pinched her cheek.

“If you like it, then you are allowed to play with it. But I think it’s dangerous for you. You should wait until you’re like Jester?” sabi ko.

“But Kuya, guns are for boys only! She is a girl!” si Jester na umaalma.

“Verena plays call of duty too, Jest,” si Rade ang nagsalita. “Games are intended to be enjoyed, whatever your gender is.”

Jester’s expression immediately calmed down when he realized it.

“Oh yeah! Ate Verena is so good at shooting!” si Jester na agad nagpanggap na isa siyang sniper habang nakapikit ang isa niyang mata at gumagawa ng ingay ng baril.

“Yeah! Ate Verena is pretty. Arki’s pretty girlfriend!” si Riri naman.

Rade didn’t give too much attention to the teasing, as I didn’t either since I knew what my sister meant.

Chapter 20

Mind Games

Malikot sila buong hapon. Ayaw na ring tumigil ni Jester kaka go kart at si Riri naman gustong gumala. Thank God Rade was there so I wasn’t really torn. Napagbigyan ang gusto nilang dalawa.

“Kuya…” Riri called sleepily around five p.m. while we were already heading back to Batangas. Nasa kandungan ko siya lalo na’t dito ako sa likod umupo kasama nila dahil natutumba na ang ulo ni Riri kanina sa sobrang antok habang yakap ang stuff toy niya.

“Hmm?” Nilingon ko ang ulo niyang nakasandal sa balikat ko at nakitang pikit naman ang mga mata.

“Horsey…” she mumbled.

“Jester is holding horsey,” sabi ko, tinutukoy ang unicorn niyang nasa kandungan ni Jester na nalaglag niya na kanina.

Nilingon ko si Jester na nakangiti at tumitingin sa labas ng bintana. I ruffled his hair, so he glanced at me.

“You had fun?”

Mabilis ang pagtango niya. “Thanks Kuya.”

Ngumiti ako. Tumingin si Jester sa harap.

“Thanks Kuya Arki,” aniya.

Rade glanced and smiled a little. “You’re welcome.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Hinuli niya lang saglit ang titig ko ngunit noong ibinalik sa kalsada, sa itaas na salamin niya ako tiningnan. I stifled my smile and rested my head on the chair while caressing Riri’s back, who was now completely asleep.

Mga bandang eight-thirty na noong dumating kami sa Batangas. Noong dumilat ako at napagtantong nakaidlip din, madilim na.

I yawned when Rade parked the car outside our big gate. Si Lala ang sumalubong habang ngiting ngiti at nasa driver’s seat agad ang tingin.

I opened the door of the car and went out. Lumabas din si Rade at si Jester ang inasikaso lalo na’t nakatulog din.

Hinatid namin ang mga kapatid ko sa kanya kanya nilang kuwarto at kay Lala lamang ako naghabilin na babalik na sa Manila since I still have classes tomorrow. Nakapagpaalam din naman na ako kanina sa dalawa.

“Sige, Mav. Mag ingat kayo sa daan ha? Sasabihin ko sa mommy mo mamaya,” ani Lala.

Tumango ako at nilingon si Rade na nakapamulsang nakatitig sa picture frame ng pamilya namin. Naglakad ako patungo sa kanya at tinapik ang balikat niya para umalis na kami.

Lumingon si Rade kay Lala. “Alis na kami,” he said politely.

Lala smiled and walked with us until outside. Kumaway siya noong makalabas na ang kotse at pinanood ko na lamang sa rearview mirror ang pagsasara niya ng gate.

I sighed and leaned against the seat. I’m so tired, but it was very fun. I can’t wait after Halloween to bond with them again.

“Hindi ka uuwi next week?” tanong ni Rade.

Nakapikit ako habang umiiling. “My mom is flying to Mindanao to visit my grandparents graveyard. She’s taking them. May Halloween party din sa bahay ni Angela kaya doon nalang ako.”

“Halloween party… I got an invitation,” aniya.

Napabaling ako sa kanya. “Ah…some of the girls in my circle have a crush on you. Pumunta ka. They would be happy if you’re there. Besides, masaya naman ’yon. Pampatanggal stress before the finals.”

Umangat ang kilay niya. “Why? You want me to flirt with your friends?”

I laughed. “Up to you. You like girls too, right?”

He took his eyes back on the road. Humikab ako at gustong labanan ang antok dahil ayoko namang siya ang nagmamaneho mag-isa.

Rade took his phone out. “Song?”

“I Wanna Fuck You?” Ngisi ko.

He raised his brow. Humalakhak ako. “That’s a song. Snoop Dogg and Akon…”

Inilahad niya sa akin ang phone niya at mukhang hindi alam ang tinutukoy kong kanta. I searched it on his Spotify until the song boomed in his car.

Tahimik lang siya habang nagvavibe ako sa kanta at sinasabayan ang chorus. I was slightly moving my shoulders to vibe with it while singing it.

Nailing si Rade, sumilay ang ngiti sa labi lalo na’t sa tuwing mababanggit ang title ay lilingon ako sa kanya at titingin sa kandungan niya.

Curious about his own playlist after my song, I browsed his saved playlist. Wow. His playlist smells like him. Calm and serious.

“Nice playlist,” sabi ko nang tingnan ko isa-isa. “What’s your favorite here?”

“Sanctuary,” aniya.

“Sanctuary by?”

“Joji.”

I clicked it. With the romantic intro of the song, I almost crunch my nose.

“Not my type of music. Too romantic,” sabi ko.

“You just hate emotional things,” aniya.

Even that part huh? Ang daming alam ah?

I laughed and leaned against my chair. “Romantic ka pala? Your taste in music just says it.”

“And you’re a fuckboy yourself? Your taste in music says it too,” he fired back hoarsely.

Humalakhak ako. “Well…I like upbeat music. Akon. Chris Brown. The Chainsmoker. The Weeknd. I think Starboy is my national anthem. It screams my vibe. I mean not the lyrics. I just like the beat.”

Tumango siya. “I could definitely tell.”

The chorus part of the song boomed that I snickered. So corny. But it matched the late night drive and the warmth of the night with the city-lights’ view outside the window.

“Is this what kind of a boyfriend you are?” I teased and glanced at him with a smile on my lips.

“If you’re curious then get me.” He side-eyed me and smirked a little.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. I barked a laughter. Binasa niya ang labi at nangingiting dinala ang tingin pabalik sa harap ng kalsada.

“That’s what the girls like. You should use that as your pick-up line,” natatawa kong sabi.

“And what do you like?” he asked.

Sumilay lalo ang malawak na ngiti sa labi ko. I mean, come on, I’m not new on this field. I could read what’s in between the lines. Sa dami ring babaeng pinormahan ko.

Humalukipkip ako at pinisil ang labi ngunit ngiting ngiti pa rin. He glanced at me, his eyes drifting to the side of my lips, and took his eyes off me, licking his lower lip with a smile on his lips too.

“As a lover,” he continued.

I chuckled more and shut my eyes. Damn him. This is fucking ridiculous.

“Makakasundo mo si Brent sa grupo namin. That asshole is quite a loverboy now.”

“At sinong kasundo mo?” he asked, like he had an answer in his mind but he wants to hear it from my mouth.

“I could relate to Brent sometimes but he’s really a serious type. So…Ron.”

He nodded. “Who else?” At hindi man lang galit, huh?

Ayaw naririnig si Tyler pero gustong-gustong isingit! Lagi niya namang nakikitang mali.

“The truth is, I could really relate to Tyler since he’s shallow. He’s not dramatic. But that’s it. Gano’n lang,” agap ko dahil nagkakasalubong na agad ang kilay niya.

He didn’t look convinced, so I tried to dig for more explanation.

“We’re like brothers. Masaya kasi kausap si Tyler. Makakalimutan mo ang mga iniisip mo. Pag problemado ka, tumabi ka lang doon, matatawa kana. He’s just like a clown sometimes in a good way.”

“So he makes you happy,” singit niya, sa haba ng eksplinasyon ko, nalagyan pa ng ganyang meaning!

Instead of giving-up, I dig for more explanation. This is hard. Paano ba ’yang communication na ’yan? And worse, the song was making it more dramatic! This is crazy.

“You know, I’m kind of confused for a while. Hindi ko pa alam kung…uh…baliko ba ako para sa lahat ng lalake. O sa’yo lang. Coz I slept with you. This consider now as…”

“Gay,” he added.

Binasa ko ang labi. It felt a little bit heavy, but I was slowly trying to educate myself that there is really nothing wrong on this. But I’m not yet sure if I’d be proudly expressing it. Or boldly flirts with other men? I’m just comfortable with Rade.

“Yeah. And I’m comfortable with you. Sa ibang lalake…I don’t know…” I shrugged a bit.

He scoffed until a smile kissed his lips. “That’s what I like.”

“Huh?” Medyo natawa ako.

“When you’re explaining things… that’s what I like about you.”

My shoulder relaxed.

“Maybe you might get curious about what I like too. I’m just telling it now,” he drawled.

Damn. I can’t compete with how bold he is. I chuckled and ruffled my own hair. I don’t know what to say, really. I couldn’t answer what I liked, so he answered it instead.

Bakit? Magiging kuryoso ba ako…kung…ano ang gusto niya?

I reclined my chair so I could lay down a little. Ginawa kong unan ang mga kamay ko habang ibang kanta na ang sumisigaw sa kotse. Damn. Why does his song sound so corny? The lyrics were strawberries and cigarettes taste like what the fuck Rade? Too romantic.

Tumingin siya sa itaas ng salamin. He caught me smiling on my own, so I cleared my throat, looked away, tried to furrow my brows, and looked at the city lights instead.

“Let’s switch? You might be tired of driving. Ako naman,” sabi ko at medyo bumangon.

“Just sleep. Pagod ka.”

“And you’re not?” I tilted my head, looking at his eyeglasses again.

Umiling siya. “You know I could go for how many hours driving.”

Ang yabang!

Hinayaan ko na lamang siya. Alas dyis y media na noong naihatid niya na ako sa building ng aking unit. I opened the door of his car and slipped myself out.

“So…see you?” tikhim ko nang yumuko para silipin siya.

He nodded. “See you…”

He gave me that meaningful gaze, like how he gave me that signal after that day too. I would always catch it, but I would just ignore it. Or pretend I don’t know what the meaning of that look is.

But I know those eyes too well. He might be that mysterious, but somehow, I had seen a glimpse of his broken facade.

Binasa ko ang labi at tumango, tumayo na. “Bye…” namamaos kong sabi.

He nodded slowly, his eyes gently watching me. “Bye…”

I really couldn’t say it. But maybe I’ll just text it later? Like, thank you? Iyon ang iniisip ko habang sinusuot ko na ang strap ng aking duffel bag at ibinulsa ang isang kamay sa pants habang naglalakad na papasok.

I pinched my lower lip and stopped for a bit. Nilingon ko ang kotse niya at nandoon pa sa parking lot, tinitingnan ang pagpasok ko nang tuluyan.

I should thank him in personal. Right. He likes it when I communicate things to him. And…

Naglakad ako patungo ulit sa kotse niya. I opened the door of his car until I saw him there, curious about what I was about to say.

I slid half of my body into the driver’s seat and pulled the neckline of his shirt so he would see what I was about to do. Nakasunod ang tingin niya sa kilos ko, at sa pagparte ng labi niya, alam kong nabasa niya agad ang balak ko.

I kissed him. Gently. Just a peck. Dahan dahan akong lumayo habang nagkakasalubong pa rin ang kilay niya, titig na titig sa akin.

I smiled and looked at his lips. “Thank you for today. I really appreciate it.”

His shoulders loosened. I was about to completely pull myself out, but he pulled my nape and yanked me down to his lips. He tilted his head and brushed his lips with mine, as I could almost feel him smiling sexily.

“You’re welcome…” he whispered against my lips.

My stomach churned. Sumisilay ang ngiti sa labi ko habang titig na titig sa labi niya. I slowly  pulled my gaze back to her eyes and tilted my head, side-eyeing him as he side-eyed me intensely as well while I brushed my lips with him. It was intricately slow, just curious, as I lightly shoved my tongue into his mouth.

“I haven’t paid for what I’ve done to your lips, and you kept on looking at mine…” I said drunkenly.

“You noticed? Then how come it took you so long to kiss me?” namamaos niyang sabi.

“Thought you like being in charge? Pwede namang hilain mo ako at halikan?” sabi ko nang humiwalay para tingnan siya.

“I like it if you would insist on that part,” aniya.

Ngumuso ako. “How would I know if you want it?”

“When your dimple shows up, I’ll stare at it. Take it as a signal I want your lips.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko at humalakhak. I knew it.

We haven’t seen each other after that since I got busy again. He’s also busy with his subject, but we’re constantly sending messages to each other.

We never talk about the kiss we shared in his car. I kissed him because I felt like kissing him. ’Yun lang naman ’yon. But I know…it might be…something to him.

You idiot. Nailing ako sa sarili dahil sa tumatakbo sa isip ko. He’s down bad. Hah! I thought you were the top? Why were you falling then? I smirked more.

Uso naman kasi talaga ’yung gano’n lalo na sa ganitong set-up. You’d develop feelings. You’d crave romance. Kaya nga kung marupok ka at mabilis mafall, huwag nalang.

I’m fine if he likes me. I could read the signals he was sending. Sinusuntok ko lang talaga at sinisipa para hindi ako natatamaan kahit gets ko lahat. Ano ako, batang paslit? I know how feelings work because I’ve been dogding it sometimes if I don’t like some complicated relationships.

Rade:

What are you doing?

Napatingin ako sa phone ko habang abala ako sa aking laptop.

Kinuha ko iyon para makareply. Wow. He likes texting now?

Mavric:

Reading. CADD

Rade:

I’m reading too.

Rade:

I saw your other plates by the way. That two storey house.

Ah? Noong siya ang gumagawa sa ibang task ko. Binuksan niya pala ang ibang files.

Mavric:

Yes hahahahaha pinagalitan ako ng prof ko. Hindi raw akma ang bubong ko dito sa Pinas.

Rade:

I noticed it too. And it’s literally a house. You didn’t put too much furnitures.

Umangat muli ang aking kilay.

Mavric:

Literally? Architecturally speaking, it’s a design. Unless you’d build it, engineer? Haha :)

Rade:

I won’t approve your design. That’s not a house.

Akala niya rin naman gusto ko siyang katrabaho sa site? Baka ibang bagay ang mapatayo namin at hindi bahay… I chuckled.

Hindi na ako nagreply pa at inabala ang sarili sa binabasa nang magtext siya ulit.

Rade:

Do you have your other plates? First year? Second?

Mavric:

Yup. Wait.

Binuksan ko ang drawer at kinuha ang aking portfolio. To tease him, I laid on the bed and took a photo of my plate resting on my stomach. I made sure the slight crack was showing. Binasa ko ang labi at pahigang is-in-end ang picture, iniunan ang ulo sa aking kamay habang hinihintay na mag read iyon.

When he read it, I smirked more. He should be thankful. I’m this considerate. I’d send pictures to make his night? I laughed to myself.

Rade:

Inconsistent illumination. The other building’s shadow was more prominent, while the other seemed so bland and almost fading. Smudging.

Napawi ang ngiti ko. Umismid ako. Panira ng gabi!

Mavric:

Hahaha first year pa naman ako diyan. It’s understandable since I was learning. I know that now at natuto na rin sa mga mali ko noon.

Mavric:

Pinasend mo ba ’yan para kutyain?

Rade:

I just want to confirm something.

Damn. Kinutya niya lang para huwag pansinin ang tiyan ko. Ang hirap pakitunguhan ng matatalino minsan.

Mavric:

Call?

Ilang sandali lang, nakipag FaceTime na siya. Umupo ulit ako sa harapan ng aking study table. I cleared my throat and tried to stifle my smile when I showed up on the camera. Inayos ko ang magulo kong buhok doon at kitang kita ang nangingiti kong labi lalo na’t tumatakas agad ang dimple ko.

Rade, in the background, was in his bed while there were some thick books piled up and an iPad on top of it. Mukhang may pinag-aaralan nga siya.

“So…what did you confirm?” tanong ko at pasimpleng ibinalik ang atensyon sa laptop. Magpapakitang gilas na seryosong nag-aaral dahil may striktong nanonood.

“I just want to understand you based on your designs,” he shrugged.

Oh…shit.

“Are you coming to the Halloween party?” I asked, shifting the topic as I naturally stared at my laptop, browsing it boredly.

“I’m not into parties, but I’ll think about it…” aniya at ibinalik ang tingin sa binabasa.

Sumandal ako sa upuan at namulsa. “Why? Ayaw mo niyan…dalawa tayong mambababae?” Halakhak ko para doon na umikot ang topic.

He didn’t give a reaction to it, ngunit seryoso niya lang akong tiningnan.

“Verena showed up at our last party. You should, too. It’s gonna be fun,” udyok ko.

“If she’s going, then I will…” aniya.

Tumango ako. “Bring her so you won’t feel bored. My friends would be around, so I might be with them for how many hours? Titingnan ko kung malalapitan kita. Isa pa, nandoon din naman si Shiloh. You’re also friends with him.”

He nodded again. “Just don’t play around. I hate those things.”

May naglalaro na sa isip ko kaso may agad siyang sinabi.

“I won’t play around too. I’m not like that,” he explained seriously while his eyes remained on his book.

I boredly rested my elbow on the table, my head resting on my knuckles.

“You could. I don’t mind,” sabi ko.

He looked at me more, this time—intense and sharp. His eyes were like guns; they could shoot into fatal areas when he stared at you deeply.

“So you could too?” matabang niyang tanong.

I shrugged. “If you’d let me?”

He arched his brow. “Drop me first if you’re interested in someone else.”

Ngumuso ako at sumilay ang ngiti. “I’ll finish reading.” Saka ko pinatay ang tawag. He requested for a FaceTime again, but I was so serious about reading already.

Mavric:

Huwag kanang makipag FaceTime. I cannot concentrate.

The last text I sent.

Rade:

So hard to read you. Communicate, Evander. Don’t play some mind games with me.

Chapter 21

Consent

Rade:

What’s your costume?

On the next other days, another text popped out of my phone coming from Rade when I didn’t reply anymore on his previous text.

Wala nang pasok dahil sa araw ng mga patay. My circles were now preparing for the big party. Nasa bahay kami ni Angela para tumulong sa decorations, lalo na’t bukas na rin. The girls were so loud, screaming and ordering the boys not to mess it up.

Mavric:

Ghost

Ipinasok ko ulit ang phone ko sa bulsa at nilapitan si Gabriella na halos nahihirapang idikit sa pader ang Happy Halloween. Tumayo ako sa likuran niya at hinawakan din iyon saka ko inangat.

Gabriella glanced at me. I smiled. Tumingin pa siya saglit sa dimple ko at napangiti din.

“Tama ba ’to?” tanong ko.

“Itaas mo pa,” aniya.

“Bwesit ka Tyler!” sigaw ulit ni Angela, halos natatawa.

Nangingiti ko silang nilingon at nakitang pinaglalaruan ni Tyler ang iilang balloons na iniipit niya sa mga hita niya at papaputukin.

“Doon ka nga! Doon ka!” Hawak ni Angela sa tainga ni Tyler at kinaladkad ito palayo sa mga balloon.

Tuwing decorations talaga parang may nangyayari pang digmaan dahil ganito lagi. We’d play with the decorations first, and the girls would nag at us. Paano ba naman kasi, nasisira na ’yung iba dahil sa mabibigat naming kamay.

I took my phone out when it vibrated. Naglakad ako sa sofa saglit at umupo doon para basahin ang text niya habang may pumutok na naman na balloon at si Ron ulit ang pinagsasakal ng girls.

Rade:

What should I wear?

Nag-isip isip ako saglit. He looks good in dark clothes…

Mavric:

Spiderman? Black? You’d suit it.

Sumigaw si Shiloh at tumakbo habang hawak ang balloon niya nang hinabol ni Brent at gustong putukin. Ginawan siya ng stuff animal ni Rick at mukhang ang selosong si Brent, nagmgingitngit na naman ang tingin. I squinted my eyes when Shiloh’s voice sounded like a parrot getting choked as he ran while protecting the balloon.

“Brent! Gago ka! Subukan mong putukin!” banta ni Rick, namaywang at sinundan ng tingin ang dalawang patuloy na nagtakbuhan.

I worriedly looked at Shiloh. The boys were glancing at him too, smiling, as they couldn’t fully concentrate, including the girls. Pag ’yan nadapa…

Rade:

Alright. You too. The red one.

I scoffed and smirked.

Mavric:

Ano ’yan couple? Hahahahaha

Tumili lalo nang malakas si Shiloh. Nang tingnan ko, tumatakbo na patungo sa boys para isalba ang hawak niyang balloon. Nagtago siya sa likod ni Rick na maangas na sinaway si Brent.

“Parang bata eh! Itigil mo na ’yan! Mag-aaway na naman kayo!” si Rick na itinulak ang ambang pag-abot ni Brent sa hawak ni Shiloh na balloon.

“Halika dito, Brent! Anong hayop ang gusto mo bukod sa pagiging hayop mo nang magawan kita?” si Tyler na tinawag si Brent para lang tigilan si Shiloh.

Nailing ang girls kay Brent. “Brent kunin mo nga ang ibang decorations sa itaas nang may magawa kang tama!” sigaw ni Angela na nakasquat sa sahig.

“Shiloh. Help me,” agap ni Brent at sinilip si Shiloh sa likod ni Rick na natatawa pa ring nagtatago, niyayakap ang balloon niya.

“Umakyat kana doon! Nandadamay pa,” si Rick.

“Hindi ka ba mabubuhay kung wala si Shiloh, Brent?” si Con.

“Brent tatlong box lang ’yon na magagaan! Kaya mo naman ’yan,” si Angela.

“Tatlo ’yon. I can only carry two boxes,” si Brent.

“Anong silbi ng muscles mo? Decorations lang? Pampaaattract sa girls? Tatlo lang ’yon! Gamitin mo ang isang paa mo, dude!” si Ron sabay hagalpak nila ni Tyler.

Nagkamot ng batok si Brent at umakyat din nang mag-isa. He took out his phone out and typed something then glanced at Shiloh.

“Shiloh. Pwede bang mag-inner ng costume sa loob?” tanong ko at tumayo para lapitan sila doon sa balloons at sumali.

“Oo nga ’no? Inner costume sa loob,” si Connor.

Shiloh immediately nodded. “Sige. Maganda rin.”

“Ano bang costumes niyo?” tanong ni Sheena na abala sa paggugunting kasama ang ibang girls.

“Multo. Kumot lang tapos shades. Pero may props naman. Pumpkin baskets,” nagyayabang na si Tyler na akala mo sobrang ganda ng naisip niya.

Humalakhak agad ang mga girls.

“Mukha kayong mga tanga!” si Mica.

“Shiloh’s idea,” agap ni Tyler.

The girls continued laughing, but their expressions were now calm.

“Ay cute naman ’yon pag may props,” agad na sabi ni Angela sa marahang tinig.

“Maganda ’yung may inner costume sa loob,” ani Shiloh.

“Hanapan ko kayo. Basta sabihin niyo ano sizes niyo. Dadalhin ko lang bukas,” presinta ni Angela.

She really likes organized things. Alam niya kasi na ang mga plano namin minsan palpak kaya lagi kaming nakikisali sa mga plano ng girls. Though we’d always make it fun, for girls, ours weren’t that aesthetically pleasing in the eyes.

Rade:

So?

I rolled my eyes and smiled. Hindi na ako nagreply pa nang mas maging abala sa pagdedecorate. Malaki din kasi ang bahay kaya halos gabi na kami natapos. Buti sa pool area puro na balloons.

“Send pictures, kuya!” si Jester nang mag Facetime kami at nakwento ko ang Halloween party.

Sumingit ang ulo ni Riri sa gilid at isinandal iyon sa ulo ni Jester na hindi nagreklamo.

“Kuya, enjoy, okay? I will whisper grandpa’s graveyard you said hi,” si Riri.

“Kuya, is there Deadpool?! And Batman?!” si Jest.

“Deadpool. Yes. Si Tyler. Batman…Hmm… parang wala sa circles namin. But I’ll send a photo if I see one in the party.”

“Jester! Riri! Maligo na!” ang boses ni Lala kaya nagsilingon sila sa likod.

They waved their hands at me. I waved back and smiled. Pansin ko na mas ganado na ngayon si Jester makipag-usap sa videocall at balita ko rin kay Lala, nakikipaglaro na raw siya. Kaya minsan may araw na di na tumatawag si Riri at si Jester lang ang tatawag.

After the call, I clicked my father’s number and took a cigarette I could puff. Nasa loob sila habang nasa lounger ako dito sa labas. I could hear their loud voices laughing and bickering with each other.

I browse Dad’s chats. His recent chat was a picture of a big turkey for the upcoming Thanksgiving.

Dad:

Come here for Thanksgiving, son. I’ll pay for the travel. Bring Riri and Jester.

I puffed my cigarette after lighting it and stared at his text. I couldn’t say anything, so instead, I sent a picture of us when we played go-kart.

Communicate huh…

Sumandal ako sa lounger at binuga nang dahan dahan ang usok, tumingin sa langit. Lumabas si Rick at nakita akong mag-isa. Namulsa siyang naglakad at tumabi sa kabila.

I glanced at him and offered my pack of cigarettes. Kumuha siya ng isa kaya inilahad ko saglit ang sigarilyo ko para masindihan niya ang kanya.

My father read my chat immediately. He was already typing for a reply, so I turned off my phone and put it on my chest.

“Why are you here?” nanunuya ko siyang nginitian.

“Alam mo palang hayop ka?” agresibong sabi ni Rick.

I puffed my cigarette and smirked more. “Not my story to tell.”

Nailing siya at humiga sa lounger. He puffed his cigarette while we were both watching the dark sky.

“Hindi talaga ako makapaniwala. Baka gano’n ka rin, Mav. Umamin kana. Panay ka pa naman biro at magkadugtong kayo ng bituka ni Jarsdel,” irita niyang sabi ngunit kalmado lamang.

“What was your reaction when you found out?” I asked curiously.

“Sinuntok ko siya.”

I glanced at him. “Because?” I laughed.

Irita niya akong nilingon. Humalakhak ako lalo at nangingiting hinithit ang sigarilyo. He forgot his drunk call?

“And?” I urged him.

He sighed and put his hand on the back of his head. “Nasaktan din…” namamaos niyang bulong.

Tumango ako. Understandable.

“Kasi alam mo naman ang reaksyon ko sa ganyan. Ayoko sa bakla, dude. Wala akong pake diyan sa LGBTQ na ’yan basta huwag lang nila akong pakialaman. Bahala sila kung ano mang sinusulong nilang karapatan basta respetuhin nila ako. Gago eh. Ang hahayok sa lalaki.”

I nodded again. “Not all, Rick.”

“Oo…hindi naman lahat. Pero nati-trigger talaga ako sa kanila. Pag nakakakita ako, ang sarap bangasan lagi. Ang sarap sirain ng mukha. Ang sarap bugbugin. Tang ina nila. Akala siguro nila natutuwa ako diyan sa pahaplos haplos nila at pangiti ngiti.”

That’s why we don’t have gays in our circle, because Rick is like a walking time bomb. Hindi naman ’yon ang unang beses na napapaaway kami dahil sa bakla. He’s violent when gays even flirt with him. Haplusin lang ’yan…

“Then why didn’t you wreck Brent’s face?” I asked.

He calmed down and puffed his cigarette. Binuga niya muna iyon at natahimik saglit kaya nilingon ko siya.

“Wala eh. Close ko. Baka rin matakot si Shiloh.” He clicked his neck like he really meant all the words he said.

Out of all of us, Rick was the most aggressive. He treats things violently, especially when there are gays involved. He’d mock them. Hindi niya lang masyadong dinetalye ang ginawa sa kanya pero alam naming hinipuan siya. O baka nga…mas malala pa.

“Nagpapa therapy ako. Alam na rin ni Brent dahil sinabi ko,” he suddenly opened up.

Communicate…

I smiled. “Maganda ’yang therapy. Naranasan ko ’yan. Bata pa nga lang ako noon,” I blabbered smoothly without putting too much emotion on it.

His eyes widened. Mabilis niya akong nilingon. “Napano ka?”

Tumawa ako. “Nahulog sa hagdan. But yeah. Just normal things when your parents can’t handle your fear.”

“Nahulog sa hagdan? Ano? Nabagok ka?” He looked at me worriedly.

Tumawa ako. “Oo. Ibang ulo na talaga itong kinabit sa akin, Rick.”

Natatawa niyang sinipa ng marahas ang lounger ko. “Seryoso nga. Tang ina.”

“Just a wound on the knee that was now a small scar,” natatawa kong sabi.

“O edi anong kinalaman ng therapy no’n? Hindi ka agad nakalakad?” He looked so invested.

“Natakot ako umakyat ulit sa hagdan ng bahay namin. Gano’n lang.” I shrugged as I didn’t even visualize the scenario in my mind.

Matagal ang paninitig niya. He was looking at me like I was a complete puzzle. Di naman kasi ako marunong magseryoso. I’d be smirking from time to time, like there’s something funny going on in the middle of a serious topic.

“Talaga? Ba’t ngayon mo lang sinabi. Hindi mo nakwento.” Bigla siyang may napagtanto. “Wala kang kinukwento.”

I chuckled. “Naalala ko lang din total binanggit mo…”

“Ilang months ’yong session mo? Ako ewan ko ilang months ’tong akin. Pero masarap kakwentuhan eh. Kahit ang mahal mahal every session. Hayop na ’yan. Tatlong bote ng black label na sana.”

Tumawa akong muli. “Months din pero hindi naman tumagal ng taon. Bata pa ako noon. Normal na disgrasya basta bata ka dahil sa kalikutan.”

Titig na titig si Rick sa akin. “Baka may pinagdadaanan kana palang mabigat tapos hindi mo lang sinasabi. Napaka chill mo pa naman. Composed lagi.” He clicked his cigarette to take the ash out of the tip and puffed it again.

“I just don’t lose my shit. Waste of time.” I shrugged.

“Waste of time o takot ka lang harapin?” maangas niyang dugtong.

My chuckle mingled with the blowing of the smoke. Pinasadahan ko ng haplos ang buhok ko at tanging ngiti lang ang ibinigay.

“Pag narinig ng therapist ko ’yang sagot mo, mad-diagnosed ka agad no’n. Magsusulat sa papel niya at tatango tango. Nakakakaba nga minsan. Daming nalalaman.”

“Maganda naman ang therapist mo?” Ngiti ko para maiba na agad ang topic lalo na’t baka maging emosyonal pa ito. I had enough of his drunk call. I can deal with that since he’s not on his self.

Sinipa niya ulit ang lounger ko. “Hayop ka. Ang lala mo talaga.”

And just like that, our topic changed right away. Baby steps. There you go. From Shiloh, Brent, and Rick. I guess I could climb more.

But then, I feel a bit light to share something small about myself to my friends after that confrontation with Rade.

I may not show how broken it was, but to be able to show the small pieces of it, I think that’s already enough to build some trust in order to make them feel that…I support and embrace them because of our similarities so they wouldn’t feel alone and abandoned.

When the Halloween party came, the whole place was completely transformed into a haunted house-type venue. May spider web sa kahit saang sulok at akala mo may natapong dugo sa mga dingding. Pwede nang horror house kaso hindi masyadong nakakatakot dahil matatakutin pala si Shiloh. The red neon light made it more creepy in a good way including the upbeat music that was banging loudly.

“Tang ina!” Humagalpak kami ni Ron nang kinagat ni Tyler ang isang rose at nagshades pa sa puting kumot na nakatakip sa kanya.

I was taking him a photo since he was planning to make it as his profile picture. He was so dramatic that I wanted to roll on the ground laughing.

“Nakakahiya talaga kayo,” iling ni Angela at natatawang tumingin sa amin lalo na’t ganoon pa kaming lahat.

Imagine if we had guns; we’d be like terrorists. Tang ina talaga itong mga pakulo ni Tyler. Kung di lang pumayag si Shiloh isasakal na yata ni Rick kumot sa leeg niya.

We took photos before taking it off since we have our inner costumes as our final get-up. Kaonti pa lang naman ang mga tao kaya hindi pa masyadong nakakahiya. Si Shiloh lang ang may suot na reindeer headband at may hawak na pumpkin basket na puno na agad ng chocolates at naka pulang korting pusong shade habang nakatayo kaming lahat sa likod niya, puro naka itim na shades sa puting kumot.

The girls were so extra. Puro mga angels na may puting pakpak pa, but their white dress has stained blood, while they have some purge masks as their props and some weapons such as fake guns and baseball bats, like they’re going to beat someone up.

Marami nang kotse ang nagsidatingan around six p.m. I couldn’t almost identify the others because of their extravagant dress-ups. Nagsisisulputan na ang mga superheroes, iconic villains, and some cartoon characters. It’s mixed.

The music Crank That by Soulja Boy was already booming. Nagsayawan pa kaming boys suot ang aming ghost costumes at tawang tawa ang girls sa amin.

Para ngang mga timang. I can’t barely see, and Tyler just banged himself on the wall when he tried to roam around. We ended up laughing because this was his own plan in the first place. Nakunan pa ng video kaya isang nakakatawang compilation video na naman ito bukas.

Sa huli, pinag-aalis din naman namin iyon. Sapat na ’yung mga nakakatawa naming pictures. Pwede na pang cover photo sa Facebook.

And since I suggested the black spiderman to Rade, I decided on the red one. Si Tyler ay Deadpool dahil favorite movie niya raw. Si Ron ay vampire. Naka tuxedo at papogi lang naman ang pormahan na may dalawang tuldok na kulay pula sa leeg niya. Si Connor ay greek god. Rick was acing his badboy look as he dressed in all black, and his face was painted as a skeleton that suited him well. Si Brent at Shiloh nagmatching pa. The Harley Queen boy version fits well on Shiloh with his baseball bat, and Brent was the Joker. Ang mga girls din ang nagmake-up sa mukha nila kaya gayang gaya.

“Shit. Nandito ang mga nursing.” Siko ni Tyler sa akin kaya halos naubo ko ang iniinom ko.

Tumingin ako sa entrance at nakita si Chloe na naka catwoman at sa kanyang tabi, may witch na sombrero which is none other than Shilah and the rest of their circles.

Malawak ang ngisi ni Tyler sa akin. I know why he’s smiling from ear to ear. The girls are smoking hot. Chloe’s curves showed, and she’s so damn pretty. Matangkad pa. She had that air in her…that sexy gaze in a calm way…

Nailing ako at itinulak ang dibdib ni Tyler palayo sa akin.

“Baka pwedeng madaan sa usapan ’yung kuya. Kung susuntukin ka, tawagin mo ako!” Tapik niya sa balikat ko.

“Why? Susuntukin mo?” Hagalpak ko.

“Hindi dude! Susunduin agad kita, s’yempre. Let’s choose our battles wisely, bro! Pag hindi kaya, huwag nang magyabang!” Nag-apir kami at mas humagalpak dahil alam ko, sa aming dalawa, siya ang mabubugbog.

“Pero sasayangin mo talaga si Chloe? Pasekreto mo ulit yata ’yung pinopormahan eh?” He arched his brow suspiciously.

“I have a new type now,” sabi ko at tiningnan ang screen ng aking phone.

Rade:

I’m at the pool area. Nasa loob ka?

I typed for a reply.

Mavric:

Yup.

“Fucking shit. Verena is also here,” narinig ko ang boses ni Ronan nang lumapit sa amin at naka tuxedo.

I glanced to check on Verena since I know she’s with Rade. Nakita ko ang pagpasok ng dalawa. She was in her Lara Croft costume, her hair was in a high ponytail, and there were some fake guns on the sides of her shorts.

Lumingon agad ako sa kasama niya at naroon nga si Rade, naka itim na spiderman at nakaatras ang buhok. My tongue curled while I cannot stop from smiling anymore. Holy…shit.

Some of the strands of his hair falling on his forehead made him look intimidatingly handsome. And with the red neon light, I could immediately tell why, despite his cold demeanor, the girls think he’s very damn hot.

The reactions of the girls, gasping when they realized it was him, the snob engineering student who always wears his glasses, made them shocked. Sino bang hindi magugulat sa tindig niya ngayon?

“Oh boy… nandito si bayaw, dude.” Natatawang akbay sa akin ni Tyler.

Ngumuso ako nang mahuli ang tingin ni Rade sa akin at nangingiting sinimsim ang aking beer. He then looked at Tyler’s arm around my shoulder. Damn. This night is gonna be fun.

“Tingnan mo. Sinamaan ka ng tingin, Mavric!” halakhak ni Tyler. “Galit na galit si bayaw sa’yo. Lagot ka daw ngayon. Magtatalsikan daw kayo ng sapot kung sino ang mas magaling na Spiderman.”

Natatawa kong siniko si Tyler dahil iba ang dating no’n sa akin. Gago, Tyler. He’s glaring at you. Ikaw ang lagot. Hindi ako. But if I  played around without his consent…both of us would be dead tonight for sure.

Chapter 22

Apologize

Nangingiti akong lumingon ulit sa banda ni Rade at Verena. They were now walking toward us. Nakatayo kasi kami sa gilid ng table kung nasaan ang mga drinks at pagkain nakahelera na mukhang sadya nila.

Ron elbowed me while grinning because of our inside joke about Chloe’s brother. Tyler cleared his throat and sipped on his red bull while I licked my lower lip, trying not to laugh.

“Kakain kana?” I heard Verena ask who was eyeing the food.

“Later,” si Rade sa mababang tinig.

I sipped on my drink again on the red cup while Rade side-eyed me as I shamelessly checked him out. Whews. Fucking hot, Tejano.

“Kain lang kayo. Masarap ’yan,” nangingiting pagmamalaki ni Ron kahit wala naman kaming inambag sa pagluluto.

Verena eyed the food curiously as she took a cupcake and bit a little while nodding, as if she were convincing herself that it tasted good.

“Ang mga girls ang nagbake niyan,” sabi ko at baka kami ang pagbintangang boys pag pangit ang lasa.

Verena’s expression calmed down. She glanced at Rade and pointed at it.

“Get some for your sister.”

Rade took a plate and got some cupcakes for Chloe.

“Si Mavric na raw ang maghahatid, bro…” at si Tyler pa talaga ang bumoses.

Sinamaan agad siya ng tingin ni Rade habang natatawa kong siniko ni Tyler.

“Fuck you, dude. Shut up,” sabi ko nang tigilan niya ’yang kaka-Chloe niya.

I could feel his presence as I tried to be unfazed about it. Nakasandal ako sa gilid ng lamesa at tinatakpan ang ibang pagkain. He moved a bit and leaned closer as he was trying to reach for something.

“Excuse me,” Rade said in a low voice, and he glanced at me.

Lumingon din ako sa kanya pero hinila agad ako ni Tyler.

“Dude, tabi!” Tyler said in a concerned tone.

Rade looked at Tyler and glared a bit. Inakbayan ako ni Tyler at mas lalong inilayo kay Rade, and his eyes worsened more.

“Siguro kung ilalagay ko kayo sa stick magpapatayan agad kayo na parang mga gagamba,” bulong ni Tyler, akala niya talaga siguro para sa akin ang masamang titig na ’yon.

I swirled my tongue in my mouth as I couldn’t help but smile. Dinaanan ko ng haplos ang aking buhok at napansin ang paglingon ni Rade, nagnanakaw tingin sa dimple ko habang kumukuha ng pagkain.

Verena said something to Rade until they went to the other corner. Humalakhak si Tyler habang naiiling kong kinagat ang labi, hindi rin mapigilan ang tawa.

“Ako sa’yo, imbitahan mo once a week na makipag-inuman sa atin ang kuya niya. Tapos ipapasipsip ka namin sa kanya na good boy ka at walang babae. Na kami lang ang kasama mo lagi. Ako. Tingnan mo makukuha mo ang loob niyan,” si Tyler na akala niya naman solusyon na ’yang sinasabi niya.

“Oo nga, Mav. Wala ka bang babae ngayon? Si Alessa Mendoza daw ang huli mo sabi nitong ao Tyler. Dude, modelo ’yon ng Penshoppe’di ba?” si Ron.

“Walang babae o tinatago? Tingnan mo si Brent, kahit ngayon wala tayong ideya sa nililigawan niya raw. Kung hindi lang mailap sa girls hindi ako maniniwala na meron,” si Tyler na nailing.

“Brent’s quite tamed lately. Napapansin ko nga. Kahit sumayaw ayaw na eh. Pansin mo sa birthday ni Angela? Natulog pa nang maaga!” halakhak ni Ron.

I didn’t pay too much attention to their topic as I followed Rade’s movement. He handed the plate to Chloe, who smiled and then glanced at the table. Napunta ang tingin ni Chloe sa akin at nagkataong doon ako nakatingin, kaya nagtama ang titig namin.

She shyly smiled at me. I smiled back and bowed a bit. Nakakakonsensya naman. Parang baka kahit kaibigan hindi pwede. Rade will beat the shit out of me. Not that I want to try my luck again, but I could sense something. I’ve memorized her from the past too. Kaya medyo nakakapanibagong ang kalma ng atake niya.

Gumala din kaming tatlo lalo na’t ang ibang boys sa amin hindi na mahagilap. The upbeat music blasted all over the house. May mga nagsasayawan na, may mga kaswal lang din na nagkukwentuhan, at may mga maiingay din—our circle was coming on the top list for the noisiest group.

I would always be on the dance floor since it was the exciting part for me when the music just got into your system and you’d be conquered by it.

“I’m like, yeah, she’s fine! Wonder when she’ll be mine! She walks past, I press rewind! To see that ass one more time! And I got this sewed up!” I vibe with the lyrics of 679 song as I dance smoothly.

I bit my lower lip while smirking as I grinded smoothly and brushed my fingers through my hair. Ngiting ngiti ang mga girls at palingon lingon sa amin at sumasayaw din. I raised my cup and laughed as I made a head bang.

“Mavric! Kayo pa rin ba ni Chloe!” said the woman, who suddenly went closer to me just to whisper it.

Yumuko ako ng kaonti para marinig kung ano man ang tanong niya.

“What?” I asked since her words were fully absorbed by the loud music.

May umatras sa likod niya kaya mas napalapit siya sa akin ngunit halos masubsob. I held her elbow and looked at her back.

“Bro! Watch out.” Tapik ko sa likod ng lalakeng bumangga sa kanya.

The guy glanced while laughing, but he just ignored it and continued dancing. Tumingala ulit ang babae, ang kamay ay nasa braso ko na kaya yumuko ako para marinig siya muli.

“Sabi ko! Kayo pa rin ba ni Chloe? Chloe Tejano! ’Yung magandang nursing na kapatid noong guwapong engineering student na Tejano!” she asked loudly, shouting every word in my ear.

My eyes squinted for a bit.

“Ah…si Chloe. No. No. We never dated.” Iling ko.

Her eyes widened, and she laughed. I laughed as well. Who’s this, by the way?

“Hindi nga?! Eh siya raw ang babae mo lately?!”

I laughed and scratched my nape. Where is that rumor coming from? Is it because I’m not seen with girls these days? Muli siyang tumingkayad para bumulong.

“So sino na ngayon?” she asked interestingly.

Idinaan ko na lamang sa tawa iyon. I roamed my eyes around to find any of the circles until I caught Rade’s eyes looking at me while he was talking to someone, but he was smoothly letting his gaze corner me, his eyes drifting to my hand on the girl.

What does playing around mean to him, by the way? Is socializing fine, or doesn’t he like this either? Gago? Daming bawal, ah? Kakaibang fuck buddy na yata itong sa kanya.

I was having a good time on the dance floor. Hindi ko alam kung sino sino ’yung mga kausap ko. Nakikipagtawanan ako, sasayaw ng swabe lamang, at mahahanap ulit ang titig ni Rade sa akin.

He really likes watching me, huh? Well, this is where the line ends, right? I have the right to have fun. He can’t just cage me. I could follow his rules to not play around behind him without his consent, such as bedding another tonight, but I am allowed to socialize. Walang masama doon.

At sa napapansin ko, hinahayaan niya naman ako. Tired of catching his eyes multiple times while he was switching places—sit on the couch while he’s with Verena and they were talking—stand up with the other group and talk to them—lean on the wall and just silently watch me—I finally texted him.

Mavric:

Bored over there? Come here.

Nasa sofa na ulit siya, nahuli kong nilapitan ulit ng grupo ng kung sinong girls at inilingan niya saglit sabay tingin sa phone niya.

“Mavric! Oh my god!” Ang nagmamadaling babae na naka fairy costume at may wings pa sa likod. Kung hindi sa boses hindi ko makikilala.

“Macy!” I laughed and let her hug me as I hugged her back using my one hand while raising my cup so she wouldn’t spill my drink.

“Ikaw ha! Anong Chloe Tejano!” She grinned at me like I hit the lottery.

I laughed and shook my head. She’s from the other school. Ka blockmate ko siya noon at naging kaibigan ko rin bago siya lumipat.

I looked at my screen first to read Rade’s text.

Rade:

I don’t dance.

He doesn’t like parties, so it’s quite understandable.

“Ikaw talaga! Ang playboy niyo ni Brent!” Macy teased and laughed as I laughed along with her and typed for a reply.

Mavric:

The girls would freak out if you’d come here. They will flock to you. Try it. It’s fun.

Rade:

That’s not my kind of fun.

Macy was nowhere now, so I continued vibing when my favorite song blasted.

“Fuck yeah!” I shouted and laughed.

Tumango tango ako at swabeng sumayaw. I swirled my tongue and grinded my hips a bit, biting my lower lip. Biglang sumulpot si Tyler at inakbayan ako. I was too far gone with the music, especially when the song hit the chorus and I sang it heartily, pulling a sensual expression just to get on it.

“I’m a motherfuckin’ starboy,” kanta ko at swabeng sumayaw.

“Dude! What the hell?” natatawang si Tyler nang tingnan ako, namamangha.

“Play this at my funeral, and I’ll dance for the last time, Tyler!” natatawa kong sabi at sinimsim ang drink ko.

He laughed along with me. I was heartily feeling it until I heard Tyler grumble and touch his jaw like he was kind of hurt as he glanced at the side.

“Bro! Watch your move—” His words were stopped when we both saw Rade, who’s finally on the dancefloor too unexpectedly.

Tila ba nakalimutan ni Tyler ang sasabihin nang makumpirmang si Rade nga. Tyler blinked twice.

“Sorry,” Rade uttered flatly as the mocking small smirk mingled in his word. Sa sobrang tabang parang nakakainsulto pa pakinggan.

Umiling si Tyler habang nakangisi. “Hindi! Ayos lang! This is normal! Siksikan kasi, dude! Nakasiko na rin ako noon! Ayos lang!”

Rade just completely ignored him and walked out of the dance floor while the women were giggling and fanning themselves just because Rade joined the dance floor for a bit. Tyler touched his jaw again, like he was trying to check if it was still intact.

“Damn. That hurts.” Ngiwi niya at tumingin sa akin. “Forget Chloe, Mavric. I warn you. Move on. I changed my mind. I told you, dude, iniisa isa niya kami dahil sa galit niya sa’yo.” Tapik niya sa balikat ko.

Natatawa ko siyang tiningnan. “Asarin mo pa ako kay Chloe para uuwi kang bungi ngayong gabi.”

Tyler laugh. “Hindi dude. Masikip din talaga kasi. Let’s not point fingers here. Bigyan natin ng benefit of the doubt si bayaw mo.”

Tyler and his ignorance. A blessing. His angels are doing their best to completely pull him out of danger, and here he is, diving in the sea of lava, thinking it was sea salt water.

Ilang minuto akong nanatili doon, sumusuot na sa kahit saan para hindi kami nagdidikit ni Tyler. Kaso parang kabuti na bigla-biglang susulpot! Magtatawanan kami saglit, maya-maya, uungol siya sa sakit. Kung hindi nasisiko, naaapakan. And the culprit is just too shameless. It’s none other than Rade himself. He wasn’t even dancing. Pupunta lang sa dance floor para diyan sa mga balak niya.

Sa huli, umalis ako doon. Ako na ang naaawa kay Tyler kahit natatawa ako lagi sa reaksyon niya pag nalamam niyang si Rade. But then, it might be playful; if Tyler lost his shit, I know it would be a bomb too.

Para na ring nakalimot si Tyler sa nangyari sa dance floor at naroon na sa pool, humahagalpak kasama ang circles namin dahil sa games at si Rick naman ang dinidikitan.

I walked to where Rade was. Kasama niya na ulit si Verena. Nasa harap sila ulit ng mga inumin at namimili yata ng iinumin si Verena.

“Hindi ka talaga iinom?” I heard Verena’s voice.

Rade shook his head. “I’m gonna drive.”

Tumikhim ako at pasimpleng inabot ang pulang cup para makakuha ulit ng inumin sa punch. Verena only glanced at me once, then looked at Rade again.

“I told you, I could take care of Chloe. Go home,” si Verena.

Tahimik akong nagsandok ng maiinom habang nakikinig sa kanila. They’re actually matching and radiating the same vibe. Kung ako dito kay Rade, pinormahan ko na si Verena. Bahala nang mabasted nang paulit ulit. She’s actually so fine.

“Mamaya na,” Rade said in his gentle voice.

I sipped on my drink and side-eyed him. He side-eyed me until our eyes locked for a second.

Verena glanced at me again, her coldness telling me I should not be there. I smiled and offered the punch.

“Kaonting alcohol lang nilagay namin dito. Baka gusto niyo? Ikaw…dude…” sabay tingin ko kay Rade. Dude? I wanted to laugh, really.

Verena sighed and looked at me again.

“Juice. Hindi ka malalasing agad diyan,” she explained carefully.

Rade nodded and decided to reach for the red cup. I stepped to the other side to let him get his own drink while I sipped on mine.

Tumingin si Verena sa akin saglit, marahil nagtataka kung ba’t nandoon pa rin ako. I gulped down my entire drink and waited for Rade to finish so I could get again for an alibi that I was waiting for my turn.

“Titingnan ko lang si Chloe baka may gagong pumorma,” ani Verena.

Rade nodded. “Give this to her. Take the bacardi out of her hand.” Bigay ni Rade sa juice.

Verena nodded, looked at me with hostility, and then walked to where Chloe was. I was clueless what the eyes were for until I remembered I actually pursued Chloe. Oh damn it…Oo nga pala. At ako ba ’yung gagong pinaparinggan ni Verena?

She must have thought I was so shameless for conversing casually with them. What? I’m not that petty. I didn’t hurt Chloe, though. So why would I be embarrassed?

I was about to get my own drink again when Rade took my red cup and started putting another drink in it for me. I crossed my arm and leaned against the wall, smirking at him.

“So you’re just here to babysit?” I chuckled teasingly.

He looked at me once, then proceeded to what he was doing. I nibbled my lower lip, stifling my smile as I kept on watching him.

“What?” I asked, but then my laugh mingled a bit.

Instead of handing me my drink, he sipped on it. Damn…really…

“You’re done on the dance floor?” he asked in his usual low voice.

I brushed my fingers through my hair and laughed. “Paanong hindi mapapahinto kung kulang nalang bungalin mo si Tyler?”

He raised his brow. “Accident. Crowded. Inevitable,” he explained nonchalantly.

Tumawa ako. Talagang ginagamit niya rin ang reason ni Tyler, huh? Well, it was harmless, alright? But if he continuously did that and some of my circles caught him, most especially Brent or Rick, I knew this party would end up ugly.

“Don’t do it. Baka makita ni Rick. O ni Brent. Those two are quite…” I licked my lower lip.

Well, fucking shit, Mavric. You’re just concerned if Rick and Brent see it, but you’re not concerned if I lose my teeth? Rinig na rinig ko ang boses ni Tyler sa isip ko pag nalaman niya itong kagaguhan ko.

I caressed my nape and smirked as I found my thoughts hilarious. He glanced at the side of my lips, so it made me smile more. You wanna kiss? I tilted my head for a signal, letting him know to find a good spot for just the both of us.

Umalis ako sa pagkakasandal nang may mga nagsilapitan na ulit para kumuha ng drink. I casually walked out as I smiled at the girls whose eyes lingered at me for a while while typing a message for Rade.

Mavric:

Upstairs. Second floor. Left side. Last door before the comfort room. Just knock two times.

If he won’t let me play around, then why don’t we just bang, really?

The guest rooms in Angela’s house were only intended for our circles. Wala namang umaakyat dito sa itaas at kami lang. It’s quite a rule now that most of the visitors followed; unless they were invited by any of us in our circle, then it’s exempt.

I was waiting for him in the guest room until someone knocked. Kaso sa sunod sunod na katok, kumunot agad ang noo ko kung sino.

I opened the door until I saw Tyler, who was with Chloe.

“Dude. Sinong kasama mo?” tanong niya, pinanliliitan pa ako ng tingin.

Chloe gulped and stepped backward. Umiling ako.

“Wala naman. Bakit?” I looked at Tyler suspiciously.

Tyler glanced at Chloe. She lightly smiled. Tumingin si Tyler sa akin at ngumisi sabay tapik ng balikat sa akin. Man…is he setting ne up? I knew he was eyeing a nursing student in Chloe’s circle again, but really, Tyler? Pinasiko nalang pala sana kita nang paulit-ulit. I am now regretting it.

I scratched my nape and was about to step out of the room when she invited herself in. I gulped.

“Ah…sa labas na, Chloe.”

“Bakit? May…kasama ka ba?” she asked, roaming her eyes around.

Tejanos really. I licked my lower lip. I looked at her.

“What is it?” I asked gently, urging her to just spit it all out. “If it’s about your brother that summer again—”

Umiling agad siya. “No…It’s not about it…”

Oh? Then…

Damn…This isn’t gonna look good.

“Uh…I think I overstepped when you were pursuing me. I was a little too harsh…” she explained softly.

A little too harsh? I wanted to laugh. You’ve been harsh since day one, miss. But then I let the words stay at the back of my head as I nodded.

“It’s okay, really. Wala na ’yon sa akin. Uh? Can we just talk outside? Baka makita ng Kuya mo, o makaabot sa kanya. Magagalit,” I said when I knew it meant the other way around.

“A-Actually…Nagpaalam ako kay Kuya na kakausapin kita. Pumayag siya. I told him I would just apologize, and he said it’s fine. Medyo ano kasi…lumagpas…’yung ano ko…”

Pumayag? Si Rade pumayag? I nodded despite my confusion as I pinched my lower lip while my brows furrowed.

“Kaya siya sumama sa akin. Uh…dito…kasi I mentioned it. Mavric…what if…” She looked at me meaningfully.

Oh no you don’t.

“Chloe, I think—” And someone knocked on the door twice.

Fuck. Twice.

Oh fuck.

I’m dead.

Kumunot ang noo ni Chloe nang mapansin ang reaksyon ko. “M-May hinihintay ka ba dito?”

Holy crap.

I was processing things until the door opened, and when I remember, it didn’t lock it since it’s just Chloe. Goddammit!

Chapter 23

Remind

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ni Chloe. I kept my composure despite the urge to just jump out of the window and bury myself alive before Rade would do it to me first.

Nailing si Chloe, tila ba dismayado o nahihiya na baka may pinaakyat akong babae, kaya nagmamadaling magtungo sa pinto at gusto na ring lumabas. But then, when Rade showed up and Chloe saw his brother, she panicked more.

“K-Kuya…” natataranta niyang tawag at napaatras.

I was a bit relieved that Chloe jumped to the conclusion that Rade was here for her. But to see Rade’s expression, who got shocked a bit and mad, I froze.

It was that moment he found me in their living room, and I was fucking making out with his sister! I gulped a bit when Rade looked at me—his eyes were a bit dark, but this time, I know he felt betrayed, or whatever.

“I-It’s not what you think! M-Makikipag-usap lang ako,” she immediately explained. “I told you about it! W-We just need some privacy!”

I twisted my tongue in my mouth. This is not good, really. Knowing my reputation in his eyes. The mockery I had shown when he first caught me with his sister. At sa pagiging hayok ko… ano pa bang maiisip niya?

But then I was a bit hopeful that the moments we shared were enough that he would not jump to conclusions. I was hopeful he would wait for my explanation first.

“I’ll stay in the car. I’ll read my notes for a while. Just knock if we’re heading home,” he said forcefully, which caught me off guard.

Chloe calmed down. Malaki ang ngiti niya at tumatango tango. Isinara niya ulit ang pinto habang napunta sa akin ang tingin ni Rade. There was a glint of hope—mixed with a pang of pain—before he looked away first and walked out as the door finally closed.

Naupo ako sa kama at pinasadahan ng haplos ang buhok ko, hinawakan iyon saglit, ang isang kamay ay itinuko sa likod. I’m speechless, really. I don’t know how I should react.

“My brother won’t interfere, don’t worry. Uh… can we talk more?” si Chloe na ramdam kong desidido.

I would really appreciate it if he just barged in and punched me. I think I need two or more at the moment.

Tiningnan ko si Chloe at tinanguan. “Ano ba ’yon?”

She was a bit nervous, but she walked toward me. I sighed and stood out of bed, walked to the sofa instead, and took my phone out to type a text since I couldn’t brush it off. It bugs me for a bit.

Mavric:

Are you fine with this?

“Mavric,” tawag ni Chloe.

I lifted my head and looked at her. I tried to keep my attention on her, but I’m really distracted. Tumingin siya sa phone ko, but unlike in the past, she didn’t point it out.

“Naririnig ko kasi na…wala ka raw pinopormahan? Some even think we’re in a relationship. Wala kang pinopormahan?” Medyo gulat siya.

Who told her? The boys would lie out of fun just to tease us from the girls. Such as adding dramatic things that we can’t get over with them, but the truth is, we were already jumping from other girls. It was just out of fun sometimes. But I guess it really creates problems like this. Lagpas na sa biro dahil mabilis na naniniwala ang babae at napapaasa. Napaglalaruan din ang damdamin.

I was still processing my answer, but I really couldn’t think of any excuses right now. Wala naman talaga at wala din kasi akong kinwento sa mga boys. They were assuming I could not get over Chloe because I dropped Alessa right away. Ano bang sasabihin ko, na lalake ngayon ang pinagkakainteresan ko?

“Maybe we could…continue? I mean…I really apologize for the misunderstanding. I judged you—”

“Ayos na ’yon, really…” I smiled a little and looked at my screen again. That motherfucker! Why isn’t he replying?

The room is dim. I didn’t turn on the main lights since the ceiling has its own internal lighting kaya di gaanong madilim. Nakikita ko minsan sa mga mata niya ang hindi ko nakikita noon sa kanya. She wasn’t like this. But she looked tamed—like if I’d court her again right now, she’d immediately say yes on the spot.

“I’m…willing to fix it, Maverick. Ako naman ang may kasalanan kaya pangit ang kinalabasan no’n. I would just explain it to my brother, and…I think he would like you this time—”

“This time?” I slightly laughed about it. “What do you mean?”

She walked toward me more until she occupied the space beside me. I glanced at her and slightly moved, letting the space in between us since I’m quite uncomfortable and I don’t want to misinterpret this talk.

“Close kasi si Kuya at si Verena kaya ’yung pamomorma ni Brent na kaibigan mo rin—”

“Let’s not include my friends here or other names. They have nothing to do with us. It was me who pursued you, Chloe. That’s why we didn’t work in the past because you kept on involving other names,” I confronted.

Nagulat siya. “O-Oh. I’m sorry. I mean… nagbabago na ang tingin ni Kuya sa’yo? Ramdam ko lang. Maybe because of Verena’s advice too, because I-I’m sharing it to Verena and she might…have…talk to my brother…that’s why he lets me socialize here now. If we…try it again…I think kuya will approve you this time, Mavric.”

I looked at the screen of my phone again and bit my lower lip. I want to type another reply, but… Tumayo ako nang mabanas kakahintay sa reply niya.

“I should go. I told you, ayos na, Chloe. Don’t apologize. Let’s not exacerbate this,” sabi ko, medyo minadali na at nauunang maglakad sa may pinto.

She looked shocked and offended, but I have no time for this tonight. Matagal na ’yon. Tapos na ’yon. There is no need for throwbacks or clarifications. I don’t really need more words, or whatever she wanted at the moment. When I jumped to Alessa right after her, that’s where my feelings for her ended before I tried another woman.

Binuksan ko ang pinto at nagmamadaling bumaba. I ran out of the house and bumped into Tyler first, who laughed and looked at me.

“Ano? Ano?” He seemed interested.

I pushed his chest so roughly that he stepped backward. I slightly smirked warningly.

“Stop the joke, Tyler. I said I was not pursuing her anymore,” I warned seriously.

His eyes widened, and he raised his hands as a sign of defeat. “Woah! Okay! Chill, Mavric! Galit ka ba?” medyo nagkasalubong ang kilay niya at lito sa ekspresyon ko.

Tumawa lamang ako. “Isa pa…” banta ko.

“Fine dude! Pero siya kasi ang lumapit! Nagpasuyo! Tinanong kung asan ka daw! S’yempre hinatid ko lang dahil sabi ni Ron nakita ka niyang umakyat! Anong gusto mo, itapon ko sa labas si Chloe?” He laughed, but I sensed his serious voice mingling.

I clicked my tongue.

“Hindi ko naman pinilit! Dude she asked! Malay ko ba sa’yo. Tang ina eh. Akala ko nga LQ kayo kaya tumulong ako para magkabati! Akala ko nilalandi mo ng palihim si Chloe kaya mainit ang ulo sa atin ng kapatid niya!”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Tyler tapped my shoulder.

“Ako na ang bahalang magpapaliwanag kay Tejano. I mean ’yung kapatid ni Chloe.”

“Huwag na. Ako na.”

Gusto niyang matawa at matakot sa balak ko pero umalis na ako at tumakbo palabas.

“Gusto kitang samahan pero malaki kana! Kaya mo na ’yan!” rinig kong sigaw niya.

Maraming mga kotseng nakapark at mostly itim kaya mahirap siyang hanapin. I ran to the other side, but before I could continuously pass the other cars, someone just smoothly pulled my waist until I was forcefully pulled by him and leaned aginst his chest.

Our eyes locked when I lifted my gaze. And to see how dark and intense it was, I feel like he was already planning murder in his mind. Pakiramdam ko pinapala niya na ang lupa kung saan niya ako ililibing sa isip niya.

He arched his brow. “You’re not having fun?” His voice sounded thick.

I scoffed. “Bawal din?”

He smirked, but there was anger mingling with it. The next thing I knew, he had already pinned me to the body of the car. Ah…shit. You never learned, didn’t you, Maverick? I should have given him a decent answer.

“If you want to play around, then go ahead. But choose another girl. Just not my sister,” he warned.

My eyes squinted when he aggressively pinned me. Nang mapansin niya ang reaksyon ko, lumuwag iyon ngunit nanatili ang galit sa mukha niya. Namaywang siya at tinalikuran ako, nakayuko at gumagalaw ang panga.

He’s mad. Damn it.

“Your sister purposely wants to talk to me. What were you thinking, that I will fire my chance again on your sister?” Natatawa kong sabi kahit hindi na rin ako natutuwa dahil naiipit ako.

“That I will have fun with her in that room?” I strike more. “Then why didn’t you come in and join us so you would know I was only gonna talk to her?”

He glanced at me, his face darkening. “If you still have feelings for Chloe, then let’s fucking drop this.”

My jaw dropped. Binuksan niya ang pinto ng driver’s seat at padarag na pumasok. Nag-amba siyang isara ang pinto kaya pinigilan ko. He glared at me. I smirked at him without a trace of humor. He thinks I’m joking here?

“What? Feelings? You think I was an ass to have feelings for my fuck buddy’s sister again—”

“Then what the fuck you want, huh? Watch you listen to her confession? What? You want to fuel your ego that you had me wrapped in your stupid damn fun? I know you know. But if you’d cross your line, shove it into my face just to purposely hurt me so I could know you weren’t interested with my feelings, then fucking drop me. Don’t disrespect me, Evander,” he cut me off, his eyes bloodshot with anger, while I was completely frozen.

That’s…a straight confession. I licked my lower lip and pulled out a flat smile, despite how heavy the tension was.

“This is not how fuck buddy works,” I confronted.

“Because that’s just where you want to settle. I only give you what you only want from me,” matigas niyang sabi.

My shoulder loosened. He didn’t punch me, but it was the hardest punch I received from him because my knees wobbled a bit and I needed to maintain my stance or else…I’d kneel.

“Come on. Communicate. Demand,” he urged.

My head was already spinning. My stomach was churning for whatever reason. Our faces were level inside the car that it was so hard to think rationally.

“I have a lot to give, Maverick. Stop asking for the little things and demand the big ones,” he whispered.

I looked at his lips for a while, confused. Then his eyes—I gulped. I know he has feelings for me, but to be provoked like this…

“Then…this is it?” I asked calmly.

His jaw clenched. He was disappointed.

“If you want it off, let’s cut this off,” he added bravely.

Binasa ko ang labi. I don’t know if it was just my ego getting crushed because this is Rade who’s calling it quits, and I’m used to calling it quits if they’re suddenly having feelings for me, but to hear it coming from him when he’s the only one who’s loudly expressing himself is quite a punch.

I couldn’t explain it, but it was infuriating. It was provoking.

“If you think involving my sister would still be fun for you, then that’s where you fucking cross the line. Don’t fuck with me,” he said, looking at me warningly.

This is frustrating!

“She was the one who insisted on the talk. Sinabi ni Tyler sa akin. You’ve watched me socialize with the other girls and you didn’t react. And now, you can’t give the same energy to me and your sister?” I laughed sarcastically.

“Because I can’t watch you and Chloe, whom you have feelings with! That’s where I know my boundary, Evander. I fucking know when you were interested. I was just one of the fuck buddies while you seriously pursued her. And I…” he stopped his words as his jaw clenched.

My chest was so tight that I couldn’t breathe properly, and I don’t think this was because he was in his car and I’m just trying to crouch to talk to him.

“I’m not straight. But you are.” He looked away as his voice was now clear—yet hoarse.

My shoulder loosened. Kapwa kami natahimik.

“Go ahead. Have fun with the girls if you are trying to prove a point to me, dodge whatever you noticed with my actions, and give me the straight answer that you would always choose the girls by flirting with them…but choose anyone else. Just not my sister,” marahan ngunit humahalo ang bigat sa tinig niya.

Natahimik ako. Yes, I was dodging it. But I didn’t expect he would…think this way. Just like how girls would easily jump to conclusions because they misinterpreted things. Just like how they would accuse me of hurting them.

I licked my lips, a bit startled.

“Because I can’t watch that,” he confessed weakly.

I sighed. Seriously? This one is the most complicated one I’ve been to. Getting tangled by Chloe, whom I pursued in the past because I chose her brother as my new type, was the most fucked-up and stupid decision I’ve ever made.

Selos na selos kay Tyler, pero sa ibang babae, hindi siya pumapalag dahil pakiramdam niya…doon siya mas walang laban? Because he knows he’s gonna overstep the boundary if he gets on the way with my original preference?

Gusto kong matawa pero hindi ko magawa dahil naninikip ang dibdib ko. My stomach was getting squeezed, and I can’t even walk out on this. Not even a single step just to run away from it. 

“Can you…listen to my side first?” I urged calmly.

His eyes were the only ones that moved just to look at me. He was three times serious, but the sparkle in his eyes pinched my chest.

I sighed and shut my eyes as I bowed apologetically.

“I think you misinterpreted it, and I don’t want you to think that way. Just let me explain,” namamaos kong bulong.

I’ve never done this. I felt like this was the lowest of the lowest, but maybe…it was just me…kneeling. It was just me, begging…for the first time.

Kaya siguro pakiramdam ko ang baba ko sa tuwing may ipinaglalaban ako sa kanya dahil kailanman, hindi ako natutong bumaba.

Matagal ang pagsagot niya kaya umangat ang tingin ko para tingnan siya. He looked stunned. His thick brows were furrowed so hard that he didn’t expect I’d be like this.

“I’m not using the girls. Sure. I was having fun, socializing, but I wasn’t…making it a slap to you that I would always go for the girls. I was dodging your feelings, yes, not because I am straight, but because it was overwhelming,” panimula ko.

Nagtagal ang titig niya.

“And I never flirted with any woman tonight. Maybe you’ve seen some angles that seem like I was flirting or heard from the others that I did something, but…I haven’t really.”

I know my rights here as his fuck buddy. I have the right to fucking socialize, to flirt, and to do anything I want because we’re not in a relationship, as I have countless times tried this in the past too. But…this one is different. It was my own choice not to flirt around, not because he would be mad, but because I don’t want to lose whatever we have at the moment.

“I was messing up with you about that playing around because you opened up about my designs. Ayokong pag-usapan. It’s…a bit emotional to me. That design of the house,” I sighed while having a hard time explaining, but I can’t fuck this up.

Umangat ang kilay niya nang mapagtanto niya ang ginawa ko. Ngumuso ako.

“You are not planning to play around? You only said that to distract me, so I would drop the topic about your design?” he confirmed.

“Yup.” I smiled innocently. “Messy, right? But…I just got used to dodging things I cannot face so easily.”

He made a light sigh, like it put him at ease, but at the same time, I am such a pain in the ass for him.

“That’s why communicate it to me. I might have found out some parts about you, but I am still having a hard time knowing your whole. It’s hard to assume just because I’ve seen some of your broken pieces…” ani Rade sa marahang tinig.

Napawi ang ngiti ko. Damn. I’ve never encountered someone who’s…this…emotionally intelligent. Pakiramdam ko, mas kaya niya akong basahin kaysa sa mga matagal ko nang naging kaibigan.  Kaysa sa sarili ko. Because sometimes I cannot understand myself either.

I was eager to explain more just to lighten his mood. Hindi pa ako tapos magpaliwanag, at sa daloy ng pag-uusap, kahit umagahin ako, ayos lang.

“Then…Tyler’s mouth blabbering about Chloe—”

“Nagtatanong ba ako tungkol sa kanya?” He cut me off aggressively.

Hayop. Hindi na yata selos ang nararamdaman niya kay Tyler kundi galit.

But to know the real reason why he overreacts with Tyler more than the girls made me want to tease him. Tiklop naman pala pag sa babae na at doon mas totoong nagseselos. But I think it wasn’t funny. I think he was insecure.

Tyler made him completely playful as it only icks him. But the girls hurt him. It is the kind of pain that no one deserves to feel when we tend to compare ourselves to other people because they have something we could never have.

“It’s such a waste if I’d cut this off. I like what’s happening between us. I’m…learning. Adjusting. And…trying. It’s a good experience, actually.”

“Experience. What am I? Your lab rat?”

I laughed lightly. Tumingin siya sa dimple ko. I smiled more now that he seemed calm. Tumikhim ako at lumapit ng bahagya.

“Lab rat? When you were in your spider costume.” I smirked. “By the way, I like spiders. I have a pet, and it’s a black tarantula.” Sabay tingin ko sa dibdib niya dahil sa desinyo ng costume.

“Did you suggest this because I remind you of your black tarantula?”

“To remind you of what I like?” I said smoothly.

Tumingin siya sa costume ko. “You should have worn black then. Sino bang ka matching mo? ’Yung isa?”

Humalakhak ako at nahanap pa ang titig niyang papunta na sa dimple kaya nilapit ko lalo ang mukha ko, nakangiting pinasadahan ng aking dila ang kanyang pang-ibabang labi.

“Shut up, or I won’t kiss you,” I murmured while tilting my head.

His brows were slightly furrowed, but he was completely silent. I laughed against his lips and shoved my tongue in as I pressed my lips against his, kissing him deeply.

Chapter 24

Warning: R18

Drunk

I pulled the door closed as I completely slipped myself in while he was pulling me to his lap as well, my lips completely dominated his, kissing him thirstily. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na kanina pa pala ako nangangalay kakatayo at ininda ko lang.

I pushed the side of the seat until it reclined along with his body as I followed his lips while I put my hand on the other chair so I would not completely hover over him.

“Tinted?” I asked.

“Yeah…” he answered drunkenly, pulling himself up while I shoved my tongue into his mouth.

The thirst was too much. There was something more addicting to it than usual. I just want to pound on him and feel him skin to skin.

“Not here. Drive,” I whispered hoarsely.

Though the parking lot might be the emptiest part because of the ongoing party at the pool area and inside the house, the car would still make a scene if we’d continued.

“Don’t move,” aniya at biglang umupo at inabot ang manibela.

His car suddenly roared. Namilog ang mga mata ko at gustong umalis sa kandungan niya ngunit ipinalupot niya ang braso niya sa baywang ko. I groaned when it was pressed against his bulge.

“Fuck!” I whimpered weakly.

His brows were knitting furiously, like he was so pleased that he looked mad, but the pleasure was aching in his expression that I couldn’t stop.

I don’t care if I’m the bottom here. I was just so into it. If he wants it, then I’d gladly enjoy it.

He just parked in the dark place until I reclined the seat again. I directed my bulge in between his thighs and grinded against it. Despite our costumes, it wasn’t a hindrance to feeling him. The heat was gushing all throughout my body, and I am anticipating more.

He was about to pull himself up, but I pushed him back and put my hand on his throat so he would lay firmly.

“Not yet,” I said, thrusting it more just to satisfy myself as I bit my lower lip while watching it addictively.

But Rade seemed to be so used to being the dominant one that he just lifted me up a bit, and when he pushed me back on his lap, directed his bulge between my thighs as well, and thrust it dryly, mimicking what I did in a more aggressive way.

It was electrifying. His lips were now on the length of my neck as he scraped his teeth and sucked on the skin like an animal in heat.

He unzipped the back of my costume as I pulled the zipper at the back of his costume as well, while his mouth immediately went to my shoulder and bit it, while his hands were now pulling my costume down completely.

It was hard to take it off. Nagsisi pa ako kung bakit ganito ang suot ko. Hinubad din ni Rade sa kamay hanggang tiyan at sapat lang na ibinaba sa hita ganoon din ako. His hand immediately went to my shaft while his mouth covered my chest, scraped his teeth and swirled his tongue on it.

My lips parted while I wrapped my hand around his shaft and thumbed its tip, then pulled it close to mine. Rade clasped it together as I moved my hips so I could rub it more on his.

His other hand went to my butt until I felt him push two fingers. I was so used to it now that I could already find pleasure in it while I nibbled and sucked his lower lip.

May kung ano siyang inabot sa compartment. To see the familiar gel he put on our throbbing shaft, my anticipation worsened because it only takes a few seconds of strokes, and it splashed into his stomach.

Before I could even adjusted, he already carried my waist, then slammed it in.

“I want it bare,” he whispered while his eyes squinted.

Baon na baon iyon dahil sa posisyon namin. And fuck it! It wasn’t our first time without using a condom, but it felt so raw that it was squeezing my stomach and I’m immediately at the edge.

His lips parted while he looked at me helplessly with his disheveled hair, and the lust mingling in his expression was so triggering that I couldn’t hardly open my squinting eyes.

His smirk flashed while his left eye slightly squinted as he looked down and checked on it, sighing and licking his lower lip while he would curse breathily.

“Damn it!” I groaned when I started twitching.

Fuck! Fuck it!

“Stop,” I weakly said when I knew what would happen if he didn’t.

But Rade just bit his lower lip and thrust more while looking at the continuous squirting that my lips parted as I could no longer control it.

“Rade!” Pigil ko dahil hindi ko na kaya ang nag-aambang sumabog sa akin. Fuck! This is bad! It was so good that I couldn’t even control it, and worse, I could already feel it at the edge. It was tickling in my stomach. It was aching to burst out.

I tried to push him because I don’t think it would be a nice view right now, but the blinding pleasure weakened me so much that I convulsed hard while the liquid splashed like a damn fountain as I came along with it.

He slowly rocked me in the middle of it, which was more torturous because he was prolonging my climax. I was whimpering uncontrollably—loud and heavy. Rade groaned and pulled it out until he splashed it on his legs while I made a mess on his lap. A big fucking mess!

Hingal na hingal kami. And fucking shit. I was still throbbing. I’m not even sure if two or three more rounds would satisfy me right now. Sa sobrang init ng katawan ko, parang isang taon akong hindi napagbigyan kaya ganito ako ngayon ka hayok sa kanya.

But I’m quite embarrassed, really. The things I’ve been doing with the girls just backfired on me. And damn…it really felt good. I didn’t think this could be this good and stimulating!

“Tissues?” namamaos kong tanong at medyo nahihiya na.

Rade smirked, like I looked so flush, and he wanted to shove it into my face even more.

“You’d be great during the New Year. We could create more fireworks…” he teased.

Fuck. I’m embarrassed. I know it happens when it is so good and the man keeps on going. At ganoon ako ka sarap na sarap na…tang ina…

Umalis ako agad sa kandungan niya at gustong gumapang sa likod. Pero noong ilang sigundo lang, doon naman kami nagpatuloy. The clapping sound was too loud inside while the car was shaking, which was a bit horrifying, but I know it was dark.

I was so far gone that I scraped my tongue on his nape as well, sucked his skin lightly, and bit his shoulder while grunting at the thrust of my hips as he was hitting a good spot, and I want to deepen it even more.

It was my first time tasting his skin—sucking it—and I felt so aroused that I wanted to pound on him so bad, but at the same time, I wanted him to ride slowly so I could enjoy every bit of it and delay the pleasure.

“Fuck,” he groaned and pushed me hard, my body reclined as I leaned against the back of the drive seat while he forcefully controlled my hips for a fast pace.

I groaned when I could feel each thrust. I wasn’t moaning anymore. I think I was completely grunting in a torturing way because it felt so good, and I feel like it was a complete punishment. I couldn’t explain it. I think I’m gonna die because of this. Hindi ko alam kung hihinto na ba para masalba ang sarili, o hayaan nalang na magpatuloy hanggang maubos ang tubig sa katawan ko.

My eyes slightly saw the car that passed by us, but I was too far gone to think if they had noticed it. Damn this.

I felt so dehydrated that I wanted to crawl back to the party and chug some water. We left for two hours, and we just…bang straight. Three rounds.

We decided to go back secretly. Nauna akong bumaba sa kotse niya sa labas ng gate bago niya iyon ipasok. Nagpahangin muna ako doon at pinakalma ang sarili.

Naririnig ko ang ingay rito na nanggagaling sa loob. Tumayo lang ako sa may parteng hardin at gusto munang magpalipas ng ilang minuto bago ulit pumasok.

I smiled while looking at the photo I took earlier inside his car. The red spiderman was leaning against the chest of the black spiderman while I was smiling, and my curly hair disheveled a bit as I flashed my dimple. Rade’s brows were quite furrowed while he looked at the camera a bit seriously. I just took this after getting dressed since it’s such a waste not to have a single photo of us in this matching costume.

Humalakhak ako at izinoom-in ang mukha niya. The fucker is really good-looking. Parang kulog at kidlat ang atake.

Rade:

You’re gonna dance again?

Lumawak lalo ang ngiti ko nang makita ang text niya. Nagpasya akong maglakad papasok.

Mavric:

Why? You won’t allow it?

Rade:

I’ll watch.

I twisted my lips as I chuckled.

Mavric:

You weren’t satisfied when I grinded on top of you? Hahahahahaha

Rade:

Send the photo, by the way.

Mavric:

Which one?

Rade:

The one I’ve taken. And our photo together.

Mavric:

Lockscreen?

Rade:

Too explicit, but let’s see.

Tiningnan ko ang picture niya sa akin. I laid against my stomach in the back seat of his car while glancing my face at the side. My dimple showed since I was smirking just to post for the camera while his veiny hand was wrapped around my jaw, cupping it.

Tss. So this is his view? No wonder he likes it so much. I looked so sensual and, whews…hot. I sent it to him.

I’ve taken a photo of him too. His photo was looking down on me; his toned chest and stomach showed while he looked so dominantly hot. I swirled my tongue while watching the photo. I could vividly recall the scene when he was behind me, pounding hard.

Who would have thought this motherfucker would rail like a beast?

Mavric:

If you would get off on that picture, let’s FaceTime so I could join.

Rade:

Why would I get off on the picture if we could just do it?

Mavric:

Last round? Later?

Sa pool area ako nanatili kung nasaan sila halos dahil sa nangyayaring games. Sinipat ko siya ng tingin at agad na nahanap. I saw his little smirk when he looked at the screen of his phone. His gaze lifted on me, so I smirked and licked my lower lip, walking to where my friends are, who’s loud with the ongoing beer pong games.

“Saan ka galing? And dude…what the hell? Sinong sumipsip sa leeg mo?” Halakhak ni Ronan nang siya ang unang makakita sa akin.

“Look at the fucker, Tyler!” si Ron na natatawang itinuro ang leeg ko.

Tyler, who was sipping his shot, choked on his drink as he coughed and laughed.

“Gago! Kaya pala ang tagal nawala! Akala ko ba makikipag-usap ka kay Tejano? Ba’t bigla kang lumiko at nangibang posporo pa. Sinong gagamba ang nakaaway mo, huh,” usisa ni Tyler na nangingiting lumapit at hinila pa ang costume ko.

Nang masilip nilang nagkalat iyon sa balikat ko at mayroon din sa dibdib, humagalpak silang dalawa. I laughed and pushed them, showing my middle finger.

Ngayon ko lang naisip kung ba’t sinabi ni Rade na matching kami ni Tyler. We’re both wearing a red costume, and the design was a bit similar to each other. Rade’s ass getting jealous of Tyler is really the funniest thing to me.

Tyler was so curious who was my woman at the moment, while Ron was only shrugging it off.

Napapansin ko rin ang paglingon ng mga girls sa leeg ko. And once they would see the red mark, they would automatically be disappointed, as I even heard them whispering that it was from Chloe. What the hell?

And speaking of Chloe. Pansin ko ang pag-iinom niya ng marami. It was hard not to ignore her since she was eager to participate in games that involved hard liquor, which you cannot pass, and she had already gulped down three.

Mukhang napansin na rin iyon ni Rade ganoon din ni Verena na magkadikit na ulit. He tried to snatch some of his sister’s drinks, and he would gulp them down just to stop Chloe from getting them back.

I thought she was a bit tamed and scared to upset her brother? What happened now? Is she…rebelling? But I know what’s behind her sudden change of mood. I ruined her night.

Binalikan ko pa sa isip ko kung anong inasta ko. I wasn’t on myself earlier, really. I was so distracted that I completely ignored her. But then some of her words lingered in my head, or just that specific words that I slowly noticed what she meant too.

Man…I’m suddenly feeling tired. Was it because of the vigorous banging I did with Rade?

Naalala ko bigla ang kotseng dumaan kanina. Noong pumasok ako, Tyler’s flashy car is missing from the parking space.

“Where’s your car, by the way?” tanong ko nang pinanood namin ang girls na naghihiyawan sa beer pong kaka cheer kay Shiloh.

Lumapit si Ron sa amin at namigay ng drinks. We took it one by one while Connor joined us while his eyes roamed around for a bit.

“Ah…hiniram ni Rick. May hinatid na kaibigan ni Shiloh. ’Yung ayaw pumasok at nasa parking space lang,” ani Tyler na sumunod pa ang tingin sa dumaang mga girls na naka fairy.

What? Rick was in the parking space the whole time? Which side? Ba’t hindi ko napansin? I immediately scraped my tongue against my upper teeth.

Laman na iyon sa isip ko buong oras. I couldn’t take my eyes off Chloe’s circles because Rade kept on stealing her drink and gulping it down in one shot while Chloe was initiating a drink.

“Walang laban sa’yo si Tejano kung sa inuman lang. Pang isang bote lang yata ’yan. Eh tayo, kahit dalawang case kukulangin pa,” mayabang na ngisi ni Tyler nang mga ilang minuto na, mukhang lasing na si Rade.

He looked so flush. Napapapikit na rin at bumubulong na kay Verena.

I typed a text.

Mavric:

Drunk?

Sadie approached Angela. Abala si Angela na i-organize ang games. Tumingin din si Angela sa grupo nila at tinanguan ito, may kung anong sinabi hanggang sa inalalayan ni Chloe at Verena si Rade.

“Mavric!” tawag ni Angela at itinuro sila. “Ihatid mo nga sa guest room. Magpapahinga daw muna.”

Agad akong lumapit at narinig pa ang usapan nila. Ramdam ko agad ang mapang-usisang tingin ng iilan at nagbubulungan dahil sa paglapit ko sa mga Tejano.

“Ako na ang magdadrive sa inyo pauwi mamaya,” ani Verena.

“Thanks. Buti sinamahan mo si Kuya…” si Chloe.

“I’ll do it,” sabi ko para kunin si Rade sa dalawa.

Tumingin si Verena sa akin saglit ngunit sa deritso kong pagkuha ng kamay ni Rade, hindi na nakapalag. Chloe looked at me as I put Rade’s arm around my shoulder and put my hand at the side of his waist to balance him. He’s really heavy.

“Hindi siya sanay uminom talaga,” Chloe said as she followed us while Verena just stayed at the pool area.

“You were drinking hard, Chloe. You should have controlled yourself,” sabi ko nang maalalang dahil iyon sa pag-inom niya nang marami kaya napapainom din si Rade.

Compared to Rade, Chloe seemed a little bit tipsy, but she could still manage herself, unlike Rade, who really got knocked out.

Nagulat si Chloe sa sinabi ko. “B-Bakit mo alam? Pinapanood mo ako?”

Man…she’s jumping to conclusions.

“Your brother doesn’t drink?” liko ko sa topic.

Lalo na’t noong kahit inalok ko siya ng beer, ayaw niya. Low tolerance sa alak?

Umiling si Chloe. “Sabi ko nga sa’yo, hindi siya mahilig uminom.”

I licked my lower lip. Verena’s gonna drive them home. Ganito ba lagi? Is she always in charge of…Rade? They’re really that close?

Binuksan ko ang guest room at inilaglag sa kama si Rade na napahiga agad doon. Pumipikit na at pulang pula ang pisngi. I groaned and stretched my shoulder a bit when it ached because he’s damn heavy.

Chloe looked at my neck curiously. When her shoulder loosened and her expression changed a bit, disappointed by what she saw, I immediately realized the hickey was probably flashing now.

Her bloodshot eyes looked like she was holding her tears not to fall down. She looked so hurt, and I think one moment right now, she’d cry in front of me.

“I’ll just get him some c-cold water,” she said in her shaky voice and turned her back on me, her walk in speed as if she were gonna breakdown and cry uncontrollably.

Binasa ko ang labi at hinaplos ang leeg ko. I know it’s there. He gave me one, and I gave him one on his neck too.

I sighed frustratingly and occupied the space beside Rade as I rested my hands at the back, my body reclining a bit as I watched him silently. The red mark on his neck was also there.

So if you don’t drink, then what were you doing at the bar that night? Or Chloe had no idea you’re into bars and you’re targeting men? I wanted to laugh about his little secret. This man is really mysterious.

He slightly groaned and opened his eyes drunkenly. Lumingon siya sa akin. I caressed his jaw lightly using the back of my pointing finger.

“So you’re not a heavy drinker, huh…”

May gusto akong sabihin pero magkakaintindihan ba kami ngayon? Isa pa, lasing siya. He might not remember it.

Hindi ko namalayan na sobrang tagal na pala ng pagkakatitig ko. He suddenly grabbed my nape until I hovered over him. My lips were completely shoved on his lips, while his hand was already on my nape. This man has no control over himself because he’s drunk, and I can’t believe I was immediately on fire when he brushed his lips on mine.

Ngunit noong maalalang kumuha lang si Chloe ng tubig, gusto ko na agad putulin. Shit! She didn’t close the door. Before I could tell Rade that Chloe would be back, a shattering glass on the floor already echoed. Holy…shit.

Chapter 25

Tired

I pulled away from the kiss and stood when his sister—fuck! Chloe saw!

Napaatras si Chloe, natakpan ang bibig, at sa kislap ng mga mata niya, sa nanginginig na balikat, alam kong umiiyak siya sa gulat.

I stood nervously to talk to her. Humikbi siya at mabilis na tumakbo pababa. I glanced at Rade, who was now asleep, and glanced at the door again. Naglakad ako papalapit sa kanya, ngunit nang maisip na maiipit din siya sa galit ni Chloe rito, mas pinili kong tumakbo palabas at sundan si Chloe.

“Chloe,” halos hawakan ko ang siko niya nang maabutan siya sa sala, sa kung saan nagkalat halos ang mga bisita.

Ang natatawa kong mga friends, lalo na ang boys na nasa may sofa, ay lumingon pa sa akin. But before they could tease us, Chloe turned to me and slapped me hard, which made my friends’ smiles disappear.

Ang mga bisitang nakita rin iyon ay nagsinghapan. Sunod sunod ang pagbagsak ni Chloe luha niya at nanginginig ang balikat niya. My friends wanted to walk to us, but I looked at them warningly to let me handle it.

“You…” si Chloe na galit na galit akong tiningnan.

I tried to pull her away so she would not spill whatever she wanted to shout at me since she’s clouded by her anger at the moment, but she pushed me hard.

“Don’t fucking touch me! You disgusting jerk!” she shouted aggressively.

Marami nang nakuryoso. Nagsitayuan na rin ang mga girls at gusto nang lumapit lalo na’t agaw eksena kami. May ibang galing sa pool na tinawag lamang ng iba para makinood sa kaguluhan.

“How…how dare you… Out…out of all people…how dare you!” She pushed my chest harder.

Napaatras ako at napayuko.

“Sabi na…sila eh,” the whisperings made it even worse.

“Nagcheat si Mavric? Kanino?”

“Basta circle talaga ni Brent…”

“Chloe. Not here,” I whispered and pulled her away, but she was fuming mad.

“You are both so disgusting! Hindi na kayo nahiya sa akin!” She shouted while her voice was exceeding the loud music.

Alam ko na narinig iyon ng malalapit, pero may iba ring hindi. Gusto ko siyang dalhin sa hindi mataong lugar para lang makalma siya, ngunit umiling lamang Chloe at tumakbo lalo palabas.

I gripped my hair and glanced upstairs. Shit. The fucker is drunk, while Chloe is completely devastated! Tang ina naman! What should I do? Slice myself in half so I could check on the two Tejanos?

“Follow her, dude! Anong tinatayo tayo mo diyan? Huwag kang gago!” sigaw ni Connor.

Humakbang agad ako ngunit bago pa makalabas patungo sa pool area, may nagsipasukan na mga boys na nakasalubong ko na galit na galit. They’re familiar. More on part of Verena’s circle.

“Anong ginawa mo?” One of them was ready to throw a fit as he pushed me hard, which made me almost lose my balance as I stepped backwards.

My friends—mostly the boys—immediately stood and walked toward me until I felt all of their presence behind me since they already knew this smelled trouble.

I raised my hands so they would know I was not up for violence here. Gusto ko lang sundan si Chloe!

“Siya ’yan ’di ba? ’Yung Evander na babaerong pumoporma kay Chloe?” One of them asked.

I licked my lip as I tried to spot Chloe, who cried in Shila’s arms. Napapaligiran na siya ng mga girls sa pool area. And even Verena already went in with her dark expression.

“Anong ginawa mo?!” one of them demanded aggressively, who was about to throw an attack using his fist.

“Chill! Teritoryo pa rin namin ’to,” ngisi ni Tyler at itinulak ang dibdib ng lalakeng nag-ambang lumapit.

“Mavric,” Brent called, demanding an answer authoritatively.

Umiling ako. “I didn’t touch her. We just…”

Titig na titig sila sa akin at kung mali ang sagot ko, o hindi ko ipinaliwanag nang maayos, magliliparan ang mga kamao nila sa aking nakakuyom na, tatlo pang matatangkad at puro masama ang tingin sa akin. They were all sporting a villain look, and damn, who’s these fuckers, by the way?

“Nasa’n si Rade? Ilayo niyo ’yon dito. Malulumpo niya ang hayop na ’to,” one of them said concernedly, like it was more safe for me if he wasn’t here.

Ako malulumpo? Well yeah. I can’t hardly even walk on what he did to me. At mabuti nang wala siya dito. Baka lalong matrigger si Chloe at sigawan din ang kapatid. Not in this open place with different visitors from the other universities. It would be so scandalous, for sure.

“Misunderstanding,” sabi ko kay Connor nang tinapik niya ang balikat ko.

“Oh, misunderstanding! Ano? Gusto niyong sumawsaw? Kasali kayo sa relasyon?” Tyler teased, but the way he said it was almost insulting.

“Mga gago,” one of them fired.

“Anong gago?” Rick stepped forward out of nowhere, but Brent pulled him back.

May nag-aamba ring lumapit na lalake pero tinapik lang ni Verena ang dibdib kaya hindi matuloy tuloy sa paglapit habang nagngingitngit na ang tingin sa akin—sa amin.

The visitors were now flocking all over us. The music that was blasting was suddenly fading its beat, and it seems like the girls lowered it down to control the commotion. May mga nagvivideo pa. Damn it!

“Tama na ’yan. Inimbitahan tayo. Let’s not cause ruckus here,” si Verena.

“Tawagin niyo si Rade nang makatikim ’yan. Gago pa naman ’yan. Pumoporma kay Chloe kahit may ibang nilalandi,” one of them shamelessly commented, which made my friends turned aggressive.

“O edi tawagin niyo nang magkatikiman tayo dito! Tawagin niyo!” hirit ni Tyler sa pilyong paraan ngunit alam ko, seryoso siya doon.

“Dude, we understand you’re mad for what happened, but we don’t know what’s behind this. Kumalma kayo,” si Brent na tiningnan ang kampo ni Verena.

“Mga grupo niyong uhaw lagi sa babae,” one of them said disgustingly.

Bren’t brows are aggressively furrowed.

“Ang angas mo ah? Halika nga dito!” si Rick na pasugod na.

Brent pulled him aggressively. Rick nodded at the boys roughly.

“Huwag puro yabang! Halikayo rito!” Rick challenged while clicking his fingers as Brent gripped his arm.

Umiling si Con at namaywang. Ron was crossing his arms while Tyler was stifling his smile. The familiar boys looked at Verena, who looked at them warningly, if they would step an inch, they would regret it.

“Ano Verena? Ikaw ang mas nakakaalam. Gago ’yan kay Chloe at matagal na ’yang gustong puruhan ni Rade. Alam mo ’yan,” isa sa kanila na galit na galit.

“May ibang pinopormahan si Mavric. Chloe might have cried when he frankly rejected her. She needs to get over him since they’re not even in a relationship,” si Tyler na siniko agad ni Connor.

I put my hands at the back of my head and lifted my head for a heavy sigh. I couldn’t really concentrate. I don’t care if we end up punching each other tonight. My main concern here was Rade. The motherfucker lost his shit. We’re now exposed in front of his sister.

“Tama na ’yan boys,” ang tinig ni Angela.

“Mavric,” tawag ni Gabriella sa nag-aalalang tinig.

I looked at the girls and noticed how they looked scared at the expression I’m pulling out. I calmed down a bit and nodded at them.

“Ano, Mav? Sige na. Oo dude gago ka, let’s admit that, but what did you do?” tanong ni Tyler nang akbayan ako.

“She…saw me…” I explained carefully.

“Saw what?” Tyler demanded.

It was stuck in my throat. His name was almost crawling out of my mouth. But before I could utter a word, Rick’s voice thundered.

“Sinaktan mo ba ng pisikal, Mav? Hinawakan? Ano? Sagot!” si Rick, na kung tumango ako, ihahagis niya yata ako mismo sa mga lalakeng galit na galit sa akin.

I shook my head. “No, I didn’t…” I calmly replied.

Rick then glanced at Verena’s circle.

“Oh ayan na! Walang ginawang iba kay Chloe! Tanungin niyo rin ang kaibigan niyo nang matapos na ’to. Nambibintang agad kayo akala niyo naman may alam kayo sa totoong nangyari,” si Rick.

“Mavric isn’t in a relationship with Chloe,” Brent clarified. “Though he might have hurt her feelings here, let’s not stick our noses where they don’t belong. That’s their issue. Not ours. Kung walang pambabastos at pisikalan ang nangyari, huwag tayong sumali. Hayaan natin silang dalawa na umayos no’n,” agap ni Brent.

The boys in their circle seem to be buying the explanation to let me get away from it. The girls in our circle volunteered to check on Chloe. I saw Chloe, who was shaking her head while she was still crying.

“Gigisingin ko lang si Rade,” si Verena na umakyat na pagkatapos magpaalam sa mga kasama.

May isang lalake ang sumama sa kanya. Naiwan ang dalawang maangas na masama pa rin ang tingin sa akin ngunit wala nang planong lumapit lalo na’t napapaligiran din ako ng circles ko, mostly the varsity players, and we were all six footers.

I silently waited to let it cool down as I sat on the sofa while everyone was still distracted by the sudden commotion.

Tumingin ako sa hagdan nang binaba nila si Rade. He seemed to be a little bit in his senses now while his arm was on the boy’s shoulder, Verena’s hand hooked around Rade’s waist, and they straightly walked to the pool area where the others are.

Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari ’to, edi sana dumeritso kami sa unit ko hanggang inumaga doon. But then…maybe this is the right time to expose what’s between us to his sister? Coz I was about to suggest it to him too. Sadyang nadala lang ako kanina sa ginawa namin kaya nabura sa isip ko.

Nagsiuwian na sila. Kaonti lang naman ang imbitado sa circle ni Verena. But I guess they have some other circles too who concernedly stepped in, knowing Chloe is Rade’s sister.

“Ano ba kasing ginawa mo, Mavric?” ang mga girls na pinaligiran agad ako.

The visitors continued the party, but it wasn’t as loud as earlier. Kaonti nalang din sila at nasa pool area mostly. Kami nalang dito sa living room. Medyo alas tres na rin kasi kaya nagpapakalma nalang ang iba.

“Wala.” Iling ko at sumandal sa sofa para ihiga ang ulo ko. This is tiring.

“Wala pero umiyak?” si Mica.

“O baka kasi nireject! Kaya umiyak!” Halakhak ni Tyler na agad napaungol.

“Nakakatawa, Tyler?!” si Angela na mukhang siniko siya.

“Ayan oh! May hickey ang gago! Hindi kay Chloe galing! She must have gotten jealous since she seemed like she wanted Mavric back!” patuloy ni Tyler.

“Nagselos kaya umiyak pero hindi sila? Ang oa naman kung gano’n!” It was Patricia.

“Oa o sinaktan talaga nitong si Mavric. Baka pinaasa niya rin,” si Mica.

“Pinaasa o umasa siya?” si Ron.

“Walang sila. Alam na dapat ni Chloe na malaya si Mavric lumandi eh hindi niya naman sinagot,” si Rick.

“Oo nga, Rick, malaya si Mavric. Pero masakit yon sa part ni Chloe kung baka friends niya ang nilandi landi ni Mavric,” si Angela.

“Eh ano naman ngayon? Bawal ba ’yon?” Hagalpak ni Tyler.

“Kaya ka nasasampal dude,” si Ron na tumawa rin.

“Isipin mo nga Tyler. What if si Brent pinormahan din ang pinormahan mo? Pangit ’yon ’di ba?” si Sheena.

“Sa daming example ba’t ako talaga?” si Brent na umismid.

I took my phone out to type a text, but I stopped and just tossed my phone on the sofa. Bumuntonghininga ang girls sa akin.

“Baka confused ka lang, Mav?” si Gabriella.

Confused, huh?

“Oo nga, Mavric. Sino ba talaga ang gusto mo? Ilang buwan mo ’yung pinormahan ah? Baka nilandi landi mo lang ang kaibigan niya para makuha siya ulit ha?” the girls.

“Kaibigan? Kaibigan ba talaga?” si Rick na medyo agresibo agad ang tinig ay hindi siya masyadong pinakinggan.

“Tapos pag nagsawa ka diyan sa nilalandi mo ngayon baka bumalik ka rin kay Chloe,” the girls concluded.

“Huwag niyo nang pilitin. Ayaw niya na nga kay Chloe,” si Brent.

“Eh sino ba kasi ’yan, Mav? Is that serious, bro?” si Ron.

I only smirked flatly.

“Ron sana nagvideo ka. Ang ganda ng tindig natin kanina. Parang Avengers vs. Justice League. Nakacostume pa tayo lahat. Imagine if we really started punching each other? Para tayong spoiler sa next movie ng Avengers.” Humagalpak si Tyler kaya natawa rin tuloy ako.

The girls then realized that, despite their confusion, they laughed as well. Natatawang binatukan ni Connor si Tyler na pinagtulungan ding sakalin ng mga girls sabay sabunot. Brent looked at me meaningfully, like he got an idea of what the reason for the fight was that he eyed Shiloh too.

“Nakita niyo ’yung isa sa kanila? Parang magt-transform na bilang hulk sa tindi ng galit. Kamuntik ko nang bunutin ang espada sa likod ko. Buti nalang nakapagpigil ako,” ani Tyler kaya mas lalong naghagalpakan ang lahat.

“Tumahimik kana nga Tyler!” awat ng mga girls na hindi na makapagseryoso dahil nagtatawanan na.

“Gusto ko nga silang asarin kung ba’t kinakalaban nila si Spider-Man. Buti nalang nakapagpigil si Mavric at hindi niya pinagtatalsikan ng sapot niya.”

I laughed and kicked Tyler’s thigh. Kahit kailan talaga ang bunganga nito! Humagalpak lalo ang girls habang isa isa rin siyang pinagsisipa ng boys dahil talagang binabasag niya ang tensyon.

I couldn’t sleep a wink after what happened. Nagsiakyatan na kami sa kuwarto at gusto nalang itulog dahil ayoko rin namang pag-usapan. Nakahiga na ako, bagong ligo at nagpapaantok nalang kaso nakita ko pa ang pag-akyat ni Brent sa kama at tinabihan si Shiloh. It was dim, so he didn’t notice I was still awake.

Tulog na tulog na si Tyler, Ron, Rick, at Connor dahil nagpapaligsahan na ang mga hilik. I haven’t drunk too much, so it was hard to go to sleep right away after all that happened earlier too.

“Bumaba ka nga,” I heard Shiloh’s soft voice.

“The floor is so cold. Why are you so heartless with your boyfriend?” ani Brent.

I cleared my throat shamelessly. Marahas ang pagkakatulak ni Shiloh na nalaglag si Brent sa sahig at napaungol sa sakit. Shiloh immediately crawled to check on Brent on the floor while I laughed.

“Ganyan ba ang landian niyo? Pag tulog na ang lahat?” kutya ko.

Brent glanced at me and threw his pillow roughly in my face. Nakangisi ko iyong tinanggal habang hinihila na ni Brent pabalik ang sarili sa kama.

“Nahuli ka ’no?” Brent said meaningfully while taking a pillow and putting it on Shiloh’s lap, who was now leaning against the headboard of the bed.

Tumayo ako at dinala ang isang unan para lumipat din sa kama. Iritang tumingin sa akin si Brent, tinitimbang kung saan ako pupwesto.

Itinapon ko iyon sa tabi niya at pabagsak na humiga sa gilid. Gusto akong itulak ni Brent pero pinigilan lang ni Shiloh at kinuha ang kamay.

I completely faced them. Nakahiga ang ulo ni Brent sa kandungan ni Shiloh. They looked so comfortable with each other that I could really sense they bond a lot together when they’re alone to be this…clingy.

“Nahuli kayo ni Chloe?” Shiloh asked gently.

“I was making out with her brother. Nakita niya,” sabi ko.

Shiloh’s eyes widened. Brent cursed and pulled another pillow to slam it onto my face.

“Ayan kasi! Hayok na hayok ka! Kung kinalmahan mo lang, edi wala kang problema ngayon!” pangaral niya.

I buried my face in the pillow and laughed a little at the situation. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, as I could immediately shrug it off since I don’t know how to react.

“Kapatid niya kasi ’yon. Masakit siguro sa kanya lalo na may feelings siya sa’yo,” ani Shiloh.

Muli ko silang tiningnan. I looked at Brent, who seemed so comfortable on Shiloh’s lap. Tiningnan ko ang phone ko at naalala na may picture kaming dalawa na gano’n.

“Kausapin mo si Chloe, Mavric. Say sorry,” si Brent.

Umangat ang kilay ko doon. I flipped my phone and looked at him boredly.

“What for?”

“Anong what for?” Nag-amba siyang sipain ako pero hinampas ni Shiloh ang dibdib kaya di niya itinuloy.

“Malamang para magpaliwanag. Kailangan niya ’yon. Explain your side, fucker.”

Natahimik ako. I tried to untangle the words in my mind, but I couldn’t seem to find an exact answer, so I looked at the screen of my phone again.

I boredly stared at it and caressed our picture. We looked good together. But why hasn’t he tried inviting me to watch movies or eat outside, at least if…he had feelings for me?

Ah right. The last time he said we would just eat, I initiated I’d blow him.

May bumagabag sa isip ko. It kept on flashing as I only pushed it at the back of my head because I didn’t want to entertain it.

I showed my screen to Shiloh. Napangiti si Shiloh at kinuha iyon sa aking kamay. Sumingit ang ulo ni Brent at sinilip din ang screen. Nang makita iyon, natatawa niya akong hinampas ng unan.

I squinted my eyes while there was a wide smile kissing my lips.

“Patay ka ngayong bata ka. Hindi kana makakaulit. Galit ’yung kapatid,” ani Brent na akala niya naman uulit din ako. Ano ako, hayok na hayok?

“Bagay kayo, Mav,” ani Shiloh at ibinigay sa akin pabalik ang phone.

“Hindi ka ba nahuhulog diyan?” Brent interrogated.

I shrugged and looked at the screen of my phone again. Kumulob na si Brent at niyakap ang unang nasa hita ni Shiloh, niyayakap na rin ang baywang nito nang hindi ko na sinagot ang tanong niya.

I know why my past relationships failed. It was my lack of intimacy and the way I easily drop things and let them drown rather than explaining things. I was not too intimate. I don’t even open up things; I would just dodge the problem arising and walk away.

I just noticed how it has become a habit now. I…easily lose interest in things that hurt me, as the only solution I’ll see is to…detach myself from them.

Lalo na’t ngayon, may kung ano rin sa sitwasyon na gusto kong takasan nalang.

Rade:

Chloe knows.

Kakagising ko pa lang, sa tagal kong natulog kagabi at ang mukha agad ni Brent ang bumungad sa akin sa gilid na natutulog pa at niyayakap ang unan, nang tingnan ang phone ko para icheck kung anong oras na, ang text ni Rade ang nabasa ko.

Tiningnan ko ang iba niya pang message.

Rade:

I’m sorry for last night.

Hindi na ako nagreply pa. Now that Chloe knows…what would happen? Will he drop this? If he would drop this, then…

I don’t know how I would feel. But the sudden exhaustion from our set-up lingered and was strangely unrecognizable. Ayos na rin siguro kung magpapahinga muna. I just don’t feel good. I suddenly feel tired.

Chapter 26

Reason

I couldn’t imagine Chloe’s rage at the moment. Ayaw ko namang magkasiraan din sila dahil sa akin. Chloe seemed so hurt when I remembered the betrayal that flashed on her expression while crying.

Whatever the reason why she didn’t fully shout out what she found out, there was still probably a little sympathy left in her for her brother.

Though I don’t really care what kind of rumor she would spread for me, I’m quite worried for Rade’s reputation. Is he fine about it?

“Oh? Ayos kana?” tanong ni Angela nang umahon sa pool at kinuha ang towel sa lounger habang naka puting bikini nang bumaba rin ako.

I was scrolling through the photos Jester sent to me, and I also sent the photos of last night’s party too.

“Ayos naman,” sabi ko.

Tumawa si Angela at hinampas sa akin ang tuwalya. Nangingiti ko iyong inilagan.

“Naks! Ang unbothered talaga ng bwesit! Ang guwapo, ah?” She teased.

I only flashed a smirk. She occupied the other lounger and sipped on the juice while the giggles of the girls, together with the boys’ shout and Shiloh’s high-pitched voice, were still mingling with the harsh sound of the water while they were still playing.

“Kausapin mo lang ulit, Mav. Baka nagulat lang din siya kagabi,” she suggested.

I nodded boredly and looked at my friends having fun.

Ilang sigundo akong nasa lounger hanggang si Rick naman ang umahon at marahas na hinampas sa akin ang towel niya. I slightly squinted my eyes and lifted my gaze while he was looking at me in a serious manner.

Ngumuso ako. His expression soured like he wanted to punch me for the trouble I caused, but because of my situation, he doesn’t want to add to my misery.

Tiningnan niya saglit ang mga kaibigan namin sa pool saka muli akong sinipat ng tingin.

“Gumigiling ’yung sasakyan noong Tejano sa gilid ng kalsada,” he pointed out quietly without being too suspicious.

So that was Tyler’s car that passed by us.

“Baka sira ang makina?” I tried to play safe, though I could smell his curiosity.

Umismid siya sa akin. “Nasa parking lot ako noong nag-away kayo noong Tejano.”

Tiningnan ko siya ng ilang sigundo. He licked his lips, watched the pool for a while, looked at Shiloh, and then looked at me with a calm expression.

“Sino pang nakakaalam?” seryoso niyang tanong.

“Brent and Shiloh.”

He sighed like he was so tired of hearing the two’s names being involved. Tumango siya habang namaywang na at malayo ang tingin.

“Matagal nang kayo?”

“We’re not in a relationship, Rick.”

Nalaglag ang panga niya. He wanted to ask for something, or to confirm it at least, but he just closed his mouth, like he didn’t want to dig more.

Nadistract din naman dahil todo practice agad sa malaking game namin. Ang mga girls, ipinagkibit balikat nalang din iyon dahil iniisip nila na hindi rin naman kami ni Chloe. Bukod doon, pansin nila sa akin na hindi ko rin pinoproblema, maliban kay Rick na kung pwedeng minu-minutong mangumusta, gagawin niya.

And as usual, it was one of the topics at the university when classes started. There were murmurs about me and Chloe. Some were now jumping to the conclusion that I cheated on her, and some were saying I flirted with one of her closest friends. I’m just a bit thankful that none were circulating about Rade.

Well, speaking of…

Rade:

You haven’t responded to my text for a week now. Are you okay?

Busy ako sa practice. Busy din para sa upcoming finals. And…I don’t know. I just feel jaded that I don’t wanna face it in the meantime.

Binalikan ko ang mga text niya.

Rade:

Let’s not just meet for a while.

Rade:

Let’s give Chloe some time until she copes with the situation. She’s shocked.

Rade:

I already explained everything to her.

Rade:

Did you tell your friends about it?

Rade:

Can we talk too? In personal.

I’m fine if we don’t see each other first. I just don’t feel good. And something was making me lose interest too.

And other than that… I want my space. Or…I just don’t want to talk to him for a while.

Hindi ko pinagrereply-an iyon. I scanned the other texts on my DMs while I took a rest in the middle of our practice in court. Puro girls na hindi ko na rin nareply-an months ago ang nandito. I deleted one by one to clear some space until my friends messages were left including Rade, my Mom, Riri and Jester…and dad.

Tinititigan ko ang pangalan ni Dad nang biglang may tumawag. It was him calling.

“Mavric!” tawag ng boys sa akin para ulit sa practice.

I gestured to answer a call for a while and jogged to somewhere private as I hit the answer button. Naisipan kong bumalik sa locker room at doon pumasok habang nakikita na ang mukha ni Dad sa screen.

“Maverick,” he called unexpectedly, as the shock on his face was vividly shown. Hindi niya inaasahang sasagutin ko.

Tumingin ako sa camera at umupo sa bench. Sumandal ako sa nakaparteng mga hita habang tinitingnan siya.

“Oh, may game ka ba? Am I disturbing you?”

Umiling agad ako. “Practice lang para sa malaking upcoming game namin this month. After ng final exam.”

He smiled when he noticed I was calm while talking.

“That’s great! Bumili ako ng limang pares na sapatos. You like Air Force and Air Max, right?”

Maganda kasi pangtakbo ang Air Max at malambot lang din sa paa kaya hindi ganoon ka sakit kahit ilang oras sa basketball, but Air Force is just so flexible on the court that I like it too.

I nodded while knitting my brows. “Yes…”

Mabilis na gumalaw ang camera at mukhang desidido agad siyang ipakita iyon sa akin. He showed the pile of boxes to the camera.

“Size eleven. Your favorite colors…” he bragged enthusiastically.

I ruffled my hair while watching him. Tumingin ulit siya sa camera at ngumiti.

“Kailan ba ang game niyo?” he asked.

“Before Christmas. Twenty,” I murmured.

Tumango siya. There was an urge to ask things, and especially Riri’s request lalo na’t noong umuwi ako last week, puro si Dad ang bukambibig niya. Jester is fine without him as long as I’ll attain his attention, but Riri seemed to think that we are still complete.

“Mav!” ang tinig ni Angelo na nagpalingon sa akin. “Hinahanap kana ni Coach!”

“I gotta go, dad,” I said and stood hurriedly.

“Oh, sure, sure! Go ahead. I’ll call again. Can you answer it?”

“If I’m not busy,” sabi ko habang lumalabas na at nagjog pabalik.

I focused on my practice, but my lack of interest is just showing. Maraming tumatakbo sa isip ko. Hindi ko rin alam paano iisa-isahin. Though I knew where everything was headed once I didn’t face this, I’d drop him and leave him behind, like how I deal with my problems.

Kaya sinusubukan kong…alamin kung bakit nagkakaganito ako. At sa paulit ulit na rason, hindi ko alam kung paano papangalanan.

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko sa naiisip na nabangga ko si Liam dahil ang bilis tumakbo at nakaharang ako.

“Five minutes,” senyas ko at nagjog sa bench para uminom ng tubig.

I looked at my phone to check messages until I noticed an unknown text.

Unknown:

Let’s meet up. This is Chloe.

I immediately typed in a reply.

Mavric:

Sure.

This is my chance to at least man up and explain things. She was tipsy at that time, and I think I didn’t give her the right explanation that it turned out ugly now.

I met up with Chloe for an evening dinner since she told me she was in Bonifacio, so I invited her to a restaurant so we could formally talk.

The anger in her eyes was still there when she showed up in her puff-sleeve dress and a white ribbon on her semi-ponytail hair as she quietly walked toward me.

I stood and pulled the chair for her, at least. Masama niya akong tiningnan at inilapag ang maliit niyang bag sa lamesa.

“Kinausap mo na ba ni kuya?” she asked straight to the point with a hint of hostility in her eyes when I sat.

Umiling ako. “Hindi pa.”

She sighed heavily and crossed her arms as soon as she sat down. She looked at me critically. Nagtawag ako ng waiter para naman may pagkain sa table namin.

We ordered food for a while. When the waiter left, she glared at me again.

“You’re…bi…gay?” She looked confused.

“How’s your brother? Did you talk to him?” I asked.

Mas lalong naging matalim ang titig niya. Watching her made me think of Rade’s eyes. I wanted to open my phone and look at the screen for a while, but I needed to concentrate.

“Nag-away kami,” she confessed.

Lumunok ako. I slowly nodded. There were words I wanted to say, but I tried to hold them for a while.

“I was so hurt. He was against you. Kaya…hindi ko alam kung ano ang iisipin ko. Pakiramdam ko that time pinagbabawalan niya lang ako dahil…tipo ka niya,” she sounded hesitant.

I tried to analyze it too. Umiling ako.

“We weren’t contacting each other during the time I pursued you.”

“Pero…’yung summer…” Tiningnan niya ako nang mabuti.

“Hindi na naulit. I was just…” I licked my lip as I forcefully squeezed myself just to fix this goddamn problem in order to help.

“Curious that time. Akala ko nga ’yung patpating—I mean ’yung isang lalake ang kapatid mo,” I explained more.

“Hindi mo kilala si Kuya?” she asked.

Umiling ako. “No.”

Chloe looked at me with full disgust, but at the same time, she was trying to control her emotion.

“At ano ang balak mo? Kuya wants to end it but he can’t talk to you.”

He wants to end it? Is that the reason why he was eager to talk to me?

Tumango lamang ako. “If you’re uncomfortable, then…”

“Uncomfortable? You two are both disgusting. Iyon ang nararamdaman ko sa inyo noong gabing iyon, Mavric,” she hissed.

I relaxed my body as I leaned into my seat. She looked so determined to lash out in a controlled way while the anger was etched on her face.

“You have that time with me…to explain things. To tell me about it. But you didn’t. Ano? Nakikipagkompetensya ako sa atensyon mo at…ang sarili kong kapatid ang kaagaw ko?”

“Walang kompetesyon, Chloe. We ended up a long time ago. Whatever my relationship with your brother has nothing to do with you—”

“My brother,” she cut me off. “I expected you to be an ass, but I didn’t expect to be this…worse. Kapatid ko pa ang nakita mo sa dami daming babae o lalake diyan!”

Tejanos and their mouths. But I can deal with this. She’s mad. She felt betrayed.

“Stop seeing my brother,” she demanded.

I swirled my tongue against my mouth. She doesn’t know that’s the first thing that pops into my head as soon as this problem starts.

“Don’t ruin his clean reputation, Mavric. Hindi nga siya naiinvolved sa girls! I would rather accept him if he dated Verena instead!” she said in her aggressive yet toned-down voice.

I stared at the table emptily.

“At kung makikipag-usap man si kuya sa’yo, for sure you would end it on your own.”

Umangat ang tingin ko. Am I getting fooled here?

“He’s not interested in you. Whatever he was doing with you, it’s just…” she tried to hold back and looked at me with anger.

“Talk to my brother and end it. Mas mabuti kung kayo ang magkakausap. Because if you wouldn’t, I’d tell it to my father,” dagdag niya sa matigas na tinig.

He’s closeted. And involving the parents here is just too risky. I have no idea what kind of parents Rade has, but to hear how Chloe fired it that Rade would be in the gutter once she spilled it to their parents seems like bad news.

Natahimik ang table namin nang maserve ang pagkain. I looked at the food being served while Chloe sipped on her water.

“I don’t even think you are gay. Lalakeng lalake ka manamit. Lalakeng lalake ang pormahan mo. Para ring si Kuya. Are you even…interested in make-ups and…dresses?” She leered at me.

I find the topic uncomfortable. But I tried to understand it. She wasn’t educated like me. Parehas lang naman kami ng pananaw. Sadyang natututo lang talaga ako at tinatanggap na.

And since she was still clouded by her anger, or when we were emotionally scarred, it was hard to immediately accept the change that we thought wasn’t normal.

“Or ayaw mong mabully kaya matagal mo nang tinatago?” she asked again, but the hostility in her eyes remained.

“I don’t know, Chloe.” Fuck, I’m almost at my limit. Kung ano man ang rason ko kaya gusto kong manatili sa upuan at pakinggan siya, dahil gusto ko lang magkaayos silang dalawa.

She sighed aggressively. “You and kuya are so disgusting.”

“It wasn’t disgusting. What we had was consensual, and we’re not even minors. We are both single too. If your problem is our gender…then…gay isn’t disgusting, Chloe.” I explained firmly.

“Yes. It wasn’t. But you two stabbing me on the back—that’s the disgusting part there. Can you imagine my situation? Everyone in the school knows how you tried your chance on me. Tapos biglang si kuya pala ang gusto mo? It was so fucked up!” She groaned.

She has a point, though. But damn…if Chloe discovered I liked that she figured it out that way, she would really slap me again.

I boredly looked at my phone just to have a glimpse of the screen. Hinaplos ko iyon at pinindot din naman ang off at baka pag nakita niya, lumala lang lalo ang galit niya.

“I actually offered it to your brother. I insisted on it a month or so after I pursued you…” sabi ko nang gumaan ang pakiramdam niya sa kapatid niya.

“And…kuya turned you…”

Turned me on? Gusto kong isingit pero ayokong masira ang usapan. I know what she meant. Her brother was the reason why I got interested in men—or only with Rade specifically.

I nodded slowly. Nandito na eh. Alam niya na rin naman. Hindi na kailangang itago.

“Do you have romantic feelings for Kuya?” deritso niyang tanong, kabadong kabado.

I’m…still figuring things out. At tila ba nakahanap agad siya ng sagot sa tanong niya sa isip niya nang may napagtanto.

“When you left me at the guest room…you…” tila ba may napapansin na siya.

“I chased your brother.”

Her jaw dropped. She looked so shocked.

“Yes…the…the hickeys…I knew it,” she murmured and sipped on her water again.

Tiningnan ako ni Chloe, magkasalubong ang kilay. She wanted to say something, but her mouth closed. She bit her lower lip, and she seemed bothered.

“Just talk to my kuya. You deserve to hear his side too,” she said in a forceful, gentle voice.

There was a sudden urge within me. I wanted to just completely cut it off without talking to him, as I feel like it would be best if I wouldn’t hear a word from him. I don’t feel good about it.

“You need it,” Chloe urged. “And I hope you two come to your senses and stop whatever game you were both playing.”

Both playing, huh?

Though if Rade is playing here at the same time, it wouldn’t hurt. That’s where we started. We were both game. Why would I use it as an excuse to hate on him?

And I don’t think…I could hate that fucker. Though I’m quite confused or something… I just want my own space to figure things out.

Kung nawala ’yung nararamdaman niya, ayos lang. I know how to pique his interest. I’m not afraid to fire my shots here. But I can’t just…dramatically make decisions here if I’m not fully aware, or…I’m not even sure what I really want at the moment since I’m lacking interest.

Kaya…ayos lang.

“Huwag mo na akong ihatid. Susunduin ako ni Kuya,” she insisted when we finally went out of the restaurant—barely touching the food.

Tumango ako. Nagtagal ang titig ko sa kanya. She looked at me seriously, too.

“I’m sorry, by the way,” I croaked and scratched my nape.

Her shoulder loosened as she relaxed a bit, and her expression looked shocked as she froze.

Binasa ko ang labi. “I never played behind you during those times, Chloe. And…I have no bad intention for your brother. I just…like whatever we have at the moment.”

She swallowed a bit. Kuminang ang tingin niya sa akin.

“K-Kasalanan ko rin ang part na ’yon. I have trust issues, and I don’t know if I could ever trust you too. But I think…you’re…you’re a nice person.”

“I never tried cheating if that’s what you think of me. I just think…you really misinterpreted me.”

“Because you don’t explain, Mav. I’d listen naman kung…kung nag-open up ka. Or you tell me things to…assure me. But you didn’t. You weren’t too effort on that part.”

Tumango ako. Alam ko na iyon ang pagkukulang ko. Medyo natututo lang ngayon dahil…sa kapatid niya.

She sighed heavily. This time, the hostility in her eyes vanished.

“Kausapin mo si kuya. And…” She looked at me carefully. “Are you aware of what’s happening with you at the moment? The difference? The way you’re changing?”

I smiled weakly and nodded. “Yup.”

Her shoulders loosened even more. Lumunok siya. She’s kind of hurt, but I think it wasn’t for herself anymore.

“Hindi ka naman kasi…ganito. Ma-effort ka naman noon sa actions, but…you’re detached sometimes. Kaya minsan pakiramdam ko hindi ka sincere. Unlike now. You’ve changed,” she pointed out.

I squinted my eyes and scratched my nape. I grew up being distant, but my own battles have nothing to do with the people around me. Hindi ko namamalayan, nakagawian ko nang hindi magpaliwanag dahil ginagawa ko ring excuse na ganoon ako lumaki. But I can’t just use it as an excuse over and over again just so I can run away from things that I should be accountable for.

It was like you were demanding to be heard, but you weren’t a listener yourself. And I cannot ask the same thing if I cannot give that in return to them.

“But…I’m not sure…if…you would like my brother’s reason,” she said concernedly.

“Reason for?”

Mabilis niyang tiningnan ang phone niya, mukhang ayaw na iyong pag-usapan.

“Nandiyan na si Kuya. Mauna na ako,” she said in a hurry.

Chapter 27

Freedom

I puffed my cigarettes while thinking about the conversation. Reason? He was fooling around? He doesn’t like me at all? He’s not…gay?

If Rade would use an alibi about games and whatever, he thinks I wasn’t playing when I started this too? That wouldn’t even cut. Edi talo pa rin siya kasi nahulog siya. His little game backfired on him.

“Baka nasa bitter phase? Hindi matanggap na mas nagustuhan mo ’yung kapatid?” si Rick nang mag-inuman kaming dalawa total nangungulit siya na mag-usap.

I told him I had already talked to Chloe just to satisfy his curiosity. And now he was so invested, despite the small details I told him.

Hindi ko alam kung mas gusto ko bang hindi nalang nalaman ni Rick, o matutuwa ako na hindi siya nat-trigger pero ganitong pang-uusisa naman ang gagawin. Though I know why he’s quite invested too,.

“Kakausapin mo na ba? Kausapin mo na! Anong kinakatakot mo? Bading!”

Ngumisi ako. “Oo nga bading.”

Humalakhak siya. “Ano? Gusto mong tawagan ’yung dalawa pang bading? Pag-usapan natin ’yang kabadingan mo.”

I rolled my eyes while smiling. Gago na ’to.

“Tawagan ko? Ano? Sige na. Magaling mag advice si Shiloh.” Seryoso niyang kinuha ang phone sa bulsa niya.

Umiling ako. “Huwag na. Mandadamay ka pa. It’s not a big deal, Rick.”

“Pero ayos kasi ’yang pinag-uusapan para hindi mabigat dalhin. Para lang hindi mo kinikimkim. Ano pang silbi na marami kang kaibigan pero wala ka namang pinagsasabihan diyan sa problema mo?”

Wow. Where did he get those inspirational words? It sounded like Shiloh.

But at the same time, I noticed how Rick was now too open to talk about gay-related things. His therapy must have been helping him to understand himself better—or to cope with his trauma at least.

“Tara sa cafe, Mav. Tang inang minor ’to. Balak pa akong patayin,” reklamo ni Tyler habang lumalabas kami sa school.

Pagkapasok namin, namataan ko agad sa table si Rade kasama si Verena. They got a pile of books, as usual.

Umangat ang tingin niya hanggang nahanap ang mga mata ko. He then glanced at Tyler, who was busy ranting about his small problem with his minor subject.

Dumeritso kami ni Tyler sa counter. He didn’t tease me about Rade anymore, or maybe because he already found it absurd since I already told him to stop making jokes. Hindi niya na inulit.

We occupied the seat near them since it was the only thing that was vacant. It was always reserved for Tyler. I don’t know how he does it, but maybe he always pays for his own space or he got his way on the manager since it was a woman. Iba pa naman ’to. Kahit nga parking space sa school meron din siyang kanya. He’s flexing his money shamelessly.

“Bahala si ma’am. Akala niya siguro takot ako sa kanya?” ani Tyler at nag open ng YouTube sa halip na magstudy.

My phone beeped.

Rade:

Let’s talk for a bit?

I purposely ignored the message and joined Tyler in watching a basketball game on his laptop. We were trying to learn from their moves.

May biglang pumasok. Umangat ang tingin ni Tyler at sinara ang laptop. The two girls then walked toward our table while Tyler glanced at me, smirking.

Umangat ang kilay ko. He invited girls? And damn him. Nursing na naman.

I leaned against my seat as I could sense a heavy gaze glancing at me.

“Monica,” pakilala ng isa sa girls.

Siniko ako ni Tyler kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin. I only smiled at the woman, who has short hair and a chinita with round glasses that suit her small face.

“Mavric,” I murmured, and I opened Tyler’s laptop so I could direct my full attention on the laptop.

“Evander, right?” The woman named Monica pointed out as she couldn’t take her eyes off me.

“Sikat ’to ngayon sa nursing department,” sabay akbay ni Tyler.

The two girls then glanced at the other table, probably thinking that they couldn’t just mention Chloe since her brother was just around.

Sa laptop ako ni Tyler nag-aral. Tyler was entertaining them, specifically Katie, whom he has an interest with. Naiwan ang Facebook ni Tyler sa isang tab kaya binisita ko nang maalala kung friends ba sila ni Rade sa Facebook.

When I searched his name, Tyler indeed sent him a friend request, but Rade didn’t confirm it. He accepted all of my friends who added him, but he was ignoring Tyler’s…

Ngumuso ako at pinigilan ang ngiti. I caught him glancing at me, so I leaned against my seat and glanced at him, but I immediately lost my mood, so I just took my eyes off him.

“Mauna na ako Tyler. May class pa ako,” sabi ko nang tumayo na.

“Anong class? Gago ka!”

I laughed and waved my hands. He was glaring at me, but I am eager to leave. Hindi ko naman kinakausap ang babae pero…ayoko ring may maisip siya.

Rade:

I might come over tonight. Are you at your place?

Iyon ang natanggap kong text paglabas ko ng cafe. He would? I checked the DMs of the boys and saw their chats on the group message for our usual study session. It’s scheduled for tonight too.

Kaya kinagabihan, nagbihis din ako at umalis agad. He left his motorbike for me so I could use it often, which I do since it is convenient.

Nagring ang phone ko. I was already driving out of Bonifacio, so I didn’t answer it. Noong medyo traffic na habang palabas ako ng bonifacio, saka ko tiningnan ang messages ni Rade.

Rade:

Pick up. Where are you? The motorbike isn’t here.

I turned it off and drove back again when the traffic light hit green. You wanted to talk so you could end it, huh?

Rade:

You need space? Communicate it to me after a week or so. Or the first week of December.

I scoffed and licked my lips after reading his text when I parked the motorbike on the side of Tyler’s flashy car. That’s it? Nailing ako at hinubad ang helmet.

My friends were already loud when I came in. I joined them, but I was checking my phone from time to time. Hindi na nagtext. Napagod na rin siguro.

“I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on that pole… I know you see me lookin’ at you and you already know…” ang kantang iyon ang pumapaibabaw habang sumasayaw si Ron at Tyler sa harap ng phone sa ilang oras naming tutok sa study session.

There was an app they usually use where you could dance. Tumayo ako lalo na’t pamilyar din ako sa steps no’n total nakapagbasa basa na rin naman sa lessons.

I joined their dance and lifted up my shirt a bit to flash my stomach when I grinded smoothly when it was my turn after Tyler. Nang makita iyon ng girls, naghiyawan agad sila at iniisip na may pinopormahan na naman ako.

“Kung sino pa itong mga bobo, sila pa itong hindi nags-study,” parinig ni Angela.

“Kaya mag-aral kayo diyan,” si Tyler kaya humalakhak kami at inilagan ang pinagbabatong soft pillow ng mga girls.

I put our dance on my Facebook story. Ilang minuto lang, may fifty agad na nagview. I checked one by one since they’re leaving some comments too.

I smiled when I saw Rade’s name. Right. He’s my friend here. And he likes watching me dance.

Pansin ko sa ilang araw na paglalagay ko ng kung ano ano sa story ko, viniview niya. So on other days, I put the song Tongue Tied on my Facebook story with no context at all. It’s just the song; I kind of like the song.

And, as I expected, I got a text from him.

Rade:

So the starboy is tongue tied that’s why you can’t talk to me?

I sipped on my drink while stifling my smile. Tss. It doesn’t mean anything.

Nagpop out ang notification ng message ni Rick sa akin sa messenger lalo na’t nag-iimpake na ako para umuwi ulit sa Batangas.

Reagan Aldric Vallejo:

Korni niyo tang ina mga bading! Kausapin mo na ’yan!

He attached two screenshots. One was my story, which was the song Tongue Tied, and the other was Rade’s story too, a song as well, by the same band, Faber Drive, but the song was When I’m With You.

I reacted haha to Rick’s message.

Maverick Evander:

Why are you friends with him?

Reagan Aldric Vallejo:

In-add ko. Nakikitsismis lang sa lalake mo.

Pag siya ang inasar ko, iiyak ’to. Baka suntukin niya pa ako. Though I don’t wanna use that drunk call he did as a tease now that he seems to be adjusting too.

I checked Rade’s Facebook. Halos mutual ko na nga ang friends ko. Mostly all of them… well aside from Tyler. He’s not there. Pending pa rin yata ang request sa Facebook niya.

Sa unang linggo ng Disyembre, bumungad naman ang madugong practice.

“Sorry coach, bangag lang,” I explained, scratching my nape when I got a lot of lectures from Coach Josson.

“Ba’t ang tamlay mo?” Akbay sa akin ni Rick habang lumalabas na kami.

“Tigang, Rick,” biro ko kaya siniko niya ako.

Natatawa akong napapikit. He looked at me seriously.

“Ano? Kinausap mo na ba?” He asked quietly, making sure the others would not hear.

He was eager to cover me up as well. Pipinapangalandakan niya pang nagkakainteres ako sa engineering student pero babae. Tambay daw ako doon. Gagong ’to.

Pinagtatakpan nga ako, pero kulang nalang ibaon ako sa lupa sa sobrang pananakip niya sa akin. But I don’t mind if my dirt scatters on the floor. I think that’s not even my main issue here.

“Iniiwasan ko,” I shrugged.

Tumango siya. “Baka mabuti rin ’yang may space kayo para mas maliwanagan ka. Gago ka naman kasi. ’Yung kuya pa talaga?”

Nagvibrate ang phone ko kaya tiningnan ko iyon. Lumipat si Rick kay Brent at sumali sa topic nila tungkol sa mga plano ng girls this December.

Rade:

Can we talk now?

Bumagal ang paglalakad ko. Mag-iisang buwan na rin pala lalo na’t kakasimula lang ng December. He would probably notice it now.

I wanted to reply, but I was hesitating. Nagv-view siya lagi sa stories ko. My thirst traps for him were now posted publicly. Though my main target was him, I don’t have the balls to send it. We’ll quit for a while, right?

Something happened that made me eager to practice over the next few days. And to see Rade entering together with Verena, I knew his patience snap that he needed to show up here just to remind me of his existence, which I tried to forget these days.

I pulled the tip of my jersey off to wipe off the trickling sweat on my forehead. Do you miss me? You’re here coz you miss me?

Gusto kong matawa sa iniisip ko, ngunit gusto ko ring batukan ang sarili ko dahil nawawalan ako ng gana. I don’t like seeing him; though I like his presence, I don’t like him showing up.

“Nandito ah?” bulong ni Brent nang lapitan ako habang kumukuha ako ng pamunas sa duffel bag ko.

“Hindi ako nagparamdam. It seems like all of my thirst traps work?” I smirked.

Humagalpak si Brent. Natawa rin ako at hinubad ang aking jersey dahil sobrang pawis na talaga. Nice excuse, idiot.

Lumapit kami sa girls. In my periphiral vision, Rade was looking at me. And to see Verena glancing at Rade made the feeling worse.

They’re close. Kahit nga nonsense na emoji sa post ihaheart pa. I wanted to laugh at how silly it was. Though gano’n din naman ako. Naghaheart din sa mga post ng kaibigan ko so it’s understandable.

Sa huli, umalis siya nang pabiro nang pinaghahaplos ng mga girls ang tiyan ko. It’s a friendly touch, alright? Calm your jealous ass, Tejano.

Rade:

What now?

Rade:

Are you purposely avoiding me?

Rade:

What kind of distraction is this again? Did I hurt you?

Rade:

I told you, if something bugs your mind, communicate it to me. What is it, Evander?

And his five missed calls. Iyon yata ang nagtulak sa kanya na pumunta na mismo sa practice para tingnan kung naputol na ba ang mga kamay ko at hirap nang magreply.

Rade:

I’ll let you decide on this.

It was his last text while I puffed my cigarettes after the last study session we did for the finals.

I lost my interest. I just…lost it. Though I kept on rethinking if I’d talk to him but…

My brows knit when a scene pops out of my head. I puffed my cigarette more. I tried to trace those moments from the past if I felt this before, but it was overwhelming, almost drowning, choking, and worse, it was draining.

Hindi siya nagparamdam sa finals. Though I’ve seen him watch the game, the more I avoid him, the more he’s bugging my mind.

Nasa kotse na kami ng boys at kakatapos lang ng game. Everyone is distracted by the basketball brawl. I was a bit calmer now that I released my frustration earlier since it was already bottled, and punching Suarez was just so satisfying.

Ano nga ’yung…favorite song niya? Sanctuary? I played it on the stereo until Rick groaned and kicked the back of the car since I insisted on driving so I could have my own moment in the driver’s seat.

“Ang korni ng kanta mo! Wala nga dito ang girls pero pumalit ka naman!”

Tumawa lamang ako nang sinabon agad siya ni Tyler at napunta sa kanya ang spotlight. Nakangiti kong isinandal ang kamay sa nakabukas na bintana at pinisil ang labi ko nang maalala ang gabing iyon. His face, smiling a little and glancing at me, was flashing through my mind. Damn it. I suddenly missed the fucker’s lips.

Kumunot ang noo ni Connor sa akin, nasa front seat at tila napansin ang pangiti ngiti ko. I laughed and raised a brow at him.

“You good?” tanong niya.

Tumango ako.

Dumeritso kami sa condo unit nila Brent at Shiloh. He wasn’t there. But he needed space. He needs it to breathe.

I couldn’t sleep a wink, no matter how exhausted I was from the practice. Nang umungol si Brent at nalaglag sa kama, doon pa yata ako naalimpungatan.

“Bumalik si Shiloh,” si Connor.

I yawned and scratched my nape. I checked my phone and saw his messages, which calmed me down for a while.

Rade:

We’ll talk right after Christmas. I’ll give you the address. If you don’t show up, that’s it.

I couldn’t reply to his messages when the boys were now awake too, as we heard Brent’s pleading voice from outside.

Noong binuksan namin ang pinto at nakitang nakaluhod na habang nagmamakaawa siya, I couldn’t help but to question what’s making me hold on to my emotions to act so low and just put things down for a while.

“Bakit siya lumuhod, Rick?” pang-uusisa ni Tyler nang isara ulit ni Rick ang pinto, ayaw nang palabasin kami.

“Nag-away sila? Ano na naman bang ginawa ni Jarsdel? Gago talaga itong si Brent. Kahit kailan napaka—”

“Please don’t break up with me…” ang tinig ni Brent na nagmamakaawa ang naging rason kaya natigilan sila.

“B-Break up? Huh?” Tyler seemed so lost as he insisted on opening the door more for a clearer view.

Gustong awatin ni Rick pero dahil gusto ring makinig, sumilip na ang mga ulo nila sa siwang ng pinto.

“Gago? Gago? Gago!” Tyler’s dramatic reaction when Rick closed the door again.

“Tang inang…” Ron’s eyes were widening.

Connor looked at me unbelievably when he noticed I looked so calm. “Alam mo?”

Nagdududa na rin kasi talaga si Connor. May nakita yata sa lockscreen ni Brent. Magkadikit daw ang mga pisngi at may heart shaped. I denied it when he asked me, of course.

Nginuso ko si Rick. “Alam niya rin.”

Their jaws dropped at us. Tyler put me on a headlock as he was so disappointed I didn’t share it with him.

“Sinasakyan mo pa ang kotse ko tapos ganitong pangta-traydor ang makukuha ko sa’yo?”

I pushed him while laughing a little. “Edi lagot ako kay Shiloh kung pinagsabi ko?”

“Hindi, Mav! Ganyan ka talaga! Secretive! Huwag mong idahilan si Shiloh dito!” Itinuro niya ako.

When we heard Shiloh’s cry, they opened the door again so we could hear it clearly.

“Bigyan niyo ng panyo…” si Connor.

Nagtutulakan pa kami kung sino ang lalabas at nagkakapaan sa mga bulsa hanggang si Rick ang nagpresintang lumabas.

“Sila talaga, dude?” pangungumpirma ni Tyler.

“Si Brent…bakla?” Ron asked, a bit shocked.

I weighed their reactions. They all looked so shocked, but there was no disgust in their faces. I calmed down. When Rick went in, inusisa agad siya.

Hearing Shiloh’s cry was so painful. I don’t think I could deal with it. This is the sad reality of society’s prejudice toward queer people. They’re isolated, judged, and shamed.

“Painumin niyo ng tubig! Malalagutan na ’yan ng hininga kakaiyak!” Connor said concernedly.

“Boyfriend ba talaga ’yan? Hindi man lang pinapainom ng tubig,” reklamo ni Ron.

Nagtulakan ulit kaming boys kung sino ang lalabas. And since Tyler was the one who was near the door, they pushed him out until he had no choice but to let Shiloh drink water.

Naamoy ko na agad ang matinding pang-aasar na makukuha ni Brent pag humupa ito. Though I know the boys openly embraced whatever his preference now was and his sexuality.

Umagang umaga, nang magising na kami at naiwan si Brent sa sofa dahil tulog pa rin, tahimik na naming tiningnan si Shiloh na nakatayo sa harap namin.

“Kailan lang, Shishi?” tanong ni Tyler.

I yawned and crossed my arm.

“September…” ani Shiloh at tumingin sa akin.

I smiled and nodded to encourage him.

“September? Tang ina? Gano’n na katagal?” namimilog ang mga mata ni Tyler.

“I mean…August pa lang…nagpaparamdam na si Brent,” he explained more.

Tyler’s dramatic expression worsened. “Bakla siya? Ikaw rin, Shishi?” he asked unexpectedly.

Shiloh’s eyes turned glassy. Tumayo si Connor at lumapit kay Shiloh. He gave him a warm hug. Humikbi agad siya kaya lumapit din si Rick para aluin ito.

Siniko ni Ron si Tyler. “Ang insensitive mo, dude.”

“What? Tinatanong ko lang naman? Gulat lang din ako!” si Tyler.

Ron pulled himself up as he walked to Shiloh too, so we could at least comfort him for finally coming out. At last. The freedom to express who you really are is the best thing, and I’m proud to see them making their first step.

“Shiloh maraming mas pogi sa department ko. Baka gusto mong ireto kita? Magbabago pa siguro ang isip mo?” ani Tyler kaya natatawa namin siyang binatukan.

“Anong nakita mo kay Brent? Hahanapan ka namin nang mas matino at ubod ng gwapo. ’Yung mas nakakasilaw kaysa sa mukha ni Brent,” si Connor.

“May dating sites ngayon na puro foreigners ang makaka meet up mo. Bagay sa’yo ang pure, Shiloh,” si Ron.

“Pinayuhan ko nga na sana pinahirapan niya. O sinabi niya sa akin habang nanliligaw si Brent. Literal talaga siyang gagapang sa putikan,” si Rick na bumalik dito at naglahad na ng tubig kay Shiloh.

“Sayang! Basted-in mo nga ulit nang manligaw sa’yo! Tingnan natin kung hanggang saan ’yang angas ni Brent,” hamon ni Tyler.

Humingos si Shiloh at sumimsim ng tubig.

“Bagay naman sila,” sabi ko.

“Isa ka pa! Pag may nalaman pa akong hindi mo sinasabi Mav, magkanya kanya na siguro tayo ng buhay. Sapat na siguro ’yung ilang taong pagkakaibigan natin. Naglolokohan na tayo dito. Ang dami mo nang nililihim.” Sinamaan ako ng tingin ni Tyler as I only laughed about it.

Tumingin si Shiloh sa akin, naninimbang. Inakbayan ako ni Rick at sa ngisi niya, ramdam ko agad ang tumatakbo sa isip niya. I could even hear his “bading” tone teasingly in my head.

Chapter 28

Jealous

When Christmas came, I celebrated it in the house, of course. Maagang pinauwi si Lala at binigyan yata ng bonus ni mommy para makapagcelebrate din siya sa bahay nila.

Our relatives here were far away. I have cousins, but they were in Japan, so during Christmas, we would always celebrate it at home.

Sa New Year kami mas magarbo since we’d choose to celebrate it in Tokyo, Japan, where my other cousins are. Sa side iyon ni mommy lalo na’t si Lola, nakapangasawa ng hapon—her second husband. ’Yung iba ko pang pinsan, sa side naman ni Dad, taga UK kaya once a year lang din namin nadadayo. Depende kung ano ang okasyon.

“Evander?” The food catering delivery arrived.

Tumango ako at lumapit para tumulong sa pagpapasok ng mga pagkain. My mom has no time to cook for Christmas, so we were used to delivering food.

“Merry Christmas, sir!” ngiti niya.

I pulled out my wallet since nakagawian na ring magbigay ng tip.

“Merry Christmas.” Ngiti ko at inabot ang five hundred. “Pinapabigay ni mommy.”

“Ay salamat, sir! Pakisabi Merry Christmas!”

I smiled and nodded as I watched two of the men carry the food into our house while my siblings were eyeing it curiously.

“Kuya? Is dad coming home for Christmas?” tanong ni Riri nang isara ko ang pinto.

We would always wait for them until eleven p.m. after their work. I was used to the set-up. Nalilibang naman ang mga kapatid ko dahil buong gabi kaming naglalaro.

“Do you want to call him? Let’s call him?” I suggested and carried her, taking out my phone.

Seryoso si Jester at tahimik na sumunod. Umupo kami sa sofa at ginamit ang phone ko para ma contact si dad.

It didn’t take him five seconds to answer it. Nakasuot pa siya ng puting hat at mukhang nasa site. His face lightened when our faces showed up in the camera.

“Daddy!” Riri called enthusiastically and waved her hand.

“Merry Christmas!” he greeted with a big smile.

“Merry Christmas, dad,” I murmured as Jester and Riri’s voices mingled with my greetings too.

“Daddy! Come home! It’s almost time for Noche Buena,” si Riri.

“Sorry, sweetheart. Pwede bang sa New Year nalang?”

“But…it’s Christmas! Daddy, it’s Christmas!” Riri said in her sad expression.

Jester frowned and glared at the camera. I ruffled his hair and smiled. Kumalma si Jester habang si Riri ay hinawakan na ng buo ang phone.

“Daddy, look! My tooth is almost growing back.” She showed her tooth.

“Avoid chocolates for the mean time, Riri. Can you give it to your brother first? I’ll talk to your kuya muna…” he said gently.

“Okay,” si Riri na ibinigay sa akin ang phone.

I stood for a while and walked to the high windows of our house for privacy. My father sighed.

“Sa New Year nalang ako uuwi, Mavric. I… haven’t talked to your mom about it yet.”

“Sinong kasama mo diyan sa Christmas?” tanong ko.

He shrugged. “Work? I have a big project here. By the way, I sent photos of cars. Choose. You might want a new car. What brand do you like, by the way?”

“The pick-up truck is still here in the garage, dad. Nagagamit pa naman. Ginagalaw ko lang pag nagt-travel kami ng friends ko.”

“Well, yeah…but…you might like a brand new car? For your school. Malayo pa naman. Ilang oras din ang byahe.”

“Hassle magdala ng kotse sa school. Pahirapan sa parking. At may mga kotse din ang kaibigan ko kaya sumasabay ako.”

“Still, it is more convenient if you have your own car. Just choose. Malapit na rin ang birthday mo. Take it as my 22nd birthday gift for you?”

Next year pa naman ang birthday ko.

“You can’t….come home?” I asked bravely.

He smiled a little. “Kakausapin ko muna ang mommy mo. Baka may ibang plano din siya sa New Year para sa inyo.”

“Then join,” namamaos kong sabi. “Riri wants to celebrate New Year with you, and Jester is…quite sulking. But he would like it if…you’re here.”

“How about you? Ayos lang?” Ngiti niya ngunit ramdam ko ang bigat sa tanong.

I nodded. “Ayos lang.”

Tumawa siya. “Really?”

Ngumuso ako at tumango. Inayos ko ang buhok ko sa camera at tumikhim.

“Umuwi kana,” I murmured silently, taking the courage to just say whatever was on my mind.

“This twenty-eight? Or twenty-nine? Bibili muna ako ng gifts dito. Pasalubong,” he said enthusiastically.

I nodded. He smiled at me.

“Can we talk about it once I’m there?”

Lumunok ako ngunit tahimik ding tumango. “Alright.”

Para bang nabunutan siya ng tinik. “You can reach out to me, son. I got you. Just…call me.”

It felt light. Though I’m not ready for the reasons, I think I could face it now. Or…I want to face it now. This is for my siblings. I don’t want them to grow up like me, lacking communication and unable to open up about things.

We played until eleven to wait for Mom. Ready na ang pagkain sa mesa at lumalamig na dahil hindi nagagalaw. Jester doesn’t want to eat yet, while Riri is munching fruits while she tries her best to stay awake, yet she falls asleep around ten.

“Kuya. Daddy would celebrate Christmas with his other family?”

I sighed at Jester’s question. Umiling ako.

“He’s just having trouble talking to mom. They have a problem, Jest. Kaya…medyo nahihirapan sila. But that doesn’t mean dad has other family.”

“My classmates said Lala is my mommy since she’s always the one who showed up in school. I hate hearing it, kuya.”

“Do you hate our parents?” I asked curiously.

Tumango siya nang walang pag-aalinlangan.

“They pay for Lala to be our parents. They work hard to earn money to pay for other people to take care of me and Riri. That’s why they don’t want to stop working because they don’t want to take care of us…”

Bumaba ang balikat ko. Jester’s thoughts were so deep that they pinched my chest.

“My friends at school…their parents have work too…but they showed up in family meetings, kuya. I hate school so much. I don’t wanna go to school sometimes.”

I ruffled his hair since I don’t know how to tell him words that would ease him. Hindi ko rin alam anong solusyon diyan dahil ganyan din ako lumaki hanggang nakasanayan na rin.

“Kuya Arki told me I’d write down all of my thoughts for mom and dad, and then I’d give it to them.”

That’s actually a good idea.

“Why don’t we do it?” I encouraged.

Umiling siya. “They’re busy. They won’t read it.”

Riri yawned and opened her eyes kaya tiningnan namin ito. Mabilis siyang tumayo at umalis sa kama sabay takbo palabas kaya sinundan ko pa at baka gumulong sa hagdan dahil taranta siya at nagmamadali.

Hinawakan niya ang railings at ipinasok ang ulo sa gitna para tingnan ang ibaba. “Mommy?”

“Wala pa, Riri. Let’s wait for a while.”

She yawned again, so I carried her back to the room.

“Where are your notes and coloring pencils? Let’s make a letter for mom and dad,” I suggested.

“Okay!”

Tiningnan ko si Jester. He was still hesitant to join. Dinala na ni Riri ang mga makukulay niyang papel at mga coloring materials niya sa kama. She had tons of it.

Binigyan ko si Jester. Umiling siya. Hindi ko na pinilit at sinamahan si Riri na ganadong magsulat sa mabulaklak na papel.

“Kuya I wanna say…stop working. Riri has money. How do I spell it?” tanong niya habang nakakulob na sa kama.

Natawa ako. “And where’s your money?”

Mabilis siyang tumayo at tumakbo sa drawer. Nasa kuwarto niya kami kaya alam niya ang mga gamit niya.

“Here! Piggy is eating five hundred a week, kuya! Sometimes coins! I asked for mommy so I could save it. Here!” pagmamayabang niya.

Tiningnan ko iyon habang bumalik siya sa pagsusulat at gumamit ng color pencil para isulat iyon. I think she saved lots of money. Naalala ko tuloy iyong sinabi ni mom na kunin niya sa akin ang five hundred niya.

I helped her spell on writing down just to urge Jester too, as I also started writing on my own paper. Noong napansin ni Jester na nag-eenjoy kaming dalawa ni Riri, dahan dahan niyang inabot ang papel, naninimbang ang tingin at nahihiya pa kaya hindi ko pinuna.

“Kuya, I will make letters for Arki too,” ani Riri at kumuha ng isa pang papel.

Tumango ako at pasimpleng tiningnan si Jester na namimili na rin ng color pencil. He took the red pencil and started writing silently.

“Riri…is…happy…” Riri dictated the things she was scribbling while she was moving her feet.

Tahimik na nagsulat si Jester. He was scowling while writing down his thoughts, while Riri was singing and moving her head happily as she drew some things.

Jester was more into it now compared to us. Nakakulob na siya sa kama at nakakatatlong papel na rin siya. When eleven thirty came, we heard mommy’s car, so we immediately went downstairs.

“Merry Christmas, mommy!” takbo ni Riri sa kanya.

Mommy smiled excitedly and ran to her for a hug. Ngumiti ako at lumapit din. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and greeted her too. Si Jester ang huli niyang nabati at niyakap din.

My grandparents not showing up on Christmas, which is on my father’s side, is a bit confusing. Pero alam ko naman na baka may sama rin sila ng loob sa desisyon ni mom at dad.

“Wait! I’ll just take the call,” si Mommy na limang minuto palang nakakaupo, tumayo agad.

Jester sighed and put his spoon and fork together weakly. Hinaplos ko ang likod niya.

“Kuya, I’m sleepy. Can I sleep now?”

Riri tilted her head. “Jest wait muna. We will open gifts pa. I have a gift for you!”

“I have a gift for you too,” sabi ko.

Bumalik si Mommy sa table at ngumiti sa amin. “Kain na. Riri, where do you want to celebrate the New Year? Do you want to go to Disneyland?”

“Yes, mommy! I want!” masiglang sabi ni Riri.

Mommy smiled and pinched her cheek. Bumaba ang ulo ni Jester habang sinisilip siya ni Riri.

“Jester, is it okay if we go to Disneyland?” she asked.

Doon din tiningnan ni Mommy si Jester. Jester lifted his gaze and looked at me. Para bang gusto niya agad maghanap ng kakampi.

“What do you like?” tanong ko.

“Go kart kuya…” he whispered.

“Go kart?” Tumawa si mommy. “Ayaw mo sa disneyland?”

“After nalang sa disneyland tapos go kart naman, mom…” suhestyon ko.

“Oh sige gano’n nalang.” Mommy nodded.

The more I paid attention to Jester, the more he reminded me of my past self—aloof and distant. Though his relationship with Riri improved, sometimes he still felt that Riri got more attention than him.

The gifts somehow made his mood lighten. May mga nakapangalan din doon na galing kay Dad. And I was a bit shocked to find Rade’s name there as Arki, for which he gave Riri and Jester gifts too.

Kinalkal ko ang ibang regalo. Puro galing kay Mom, dad, at…where’s mine? He didn’t give me one?

“Mom? Aalis ka?” I asked when she just wore her coat in the middle of gift unwrapping.

“Ah oo. May babalikan lang ako sa office. Babalik din agad ako. Matulog na kayo.” She walked to me and kissed my cheek.

I glanced at my two siblings. Tumingin si Jester at Riri sa pinto, halos magmadaling tumayo si Riri at tumakbo.

“Mommy!” tawag niya.

“Riri, sleep na. May kukunin lang si mommy sa office. Mavric.” Tingin ni Mommy sa akin habang huminto pa siya sa pinto para lang hindi siya masundan ni Riri.

I sighed and carried Riri. Riri tried to reach for mommy. Lumapit pa saglit si Mom at hinayaang makahalik si Riri sa kanya.

“Open your gifts, okay?”

“Okay…” Her voice sounded hoarse.

Mommy smiled at me and looked at Jester. Tahimik na binalik ni Jester ang atensyon sa mga regalo habang nagmamadali nang lumabas si Mommy pabalik sa kotse.

I followed her so I could close the gate. Noong bumalik kami sa loob, ramdam ko ang napakatahimik na bahay sa pagsalubong ng pasko.

“Let’s video call dad?” I encouraged them.

Riri yawned and nodded as she rubbed her teary eyes. I kissed her forehead.

“Babalik din si mommy. I’m here…” I whispered.

Nasa kandungan ko lang si Riri, nakasandal ang ulo sa aking dibdib habang panay ang pagkusot sa mga mata habang si Jester ay hindi na natuloy ang pagbubukas ng mga regalo.

She barely spent an hour with us. Bukas, papa Cebu pa kami. If she’s still busy, I might just bring Jester and Riri so they can enjoy Christmas at least.

Tyler:

Oo dude! Dalhin mo! Papaiyakin ko si Riri hahahahaha

Rade:

Merry Christmas.

Tinitigan ko ang text niya. I wonder if Chloe had told him we had already talked. That I knew his plans? He wanted to end it. It wasn’t actually the one that I was…afraid of. I don’t even care if he ends it. It’s just…I could even ignore him for a year because of the loss of interest I was feeling.

“Edi anong problema mo? Tang ina naman. Mas komplikado ka pa sa math,” hirit ni Rick nang papunta na kami sa Cebu, magkatabi pa sa eroplano, at iyon ang sinabi ko.

Riri and Jester were with the girls. Kanina pa nila ayaw tantanan ang dalawa. Jester is like my mini version with his curly hair. Tuwang tuwa si Tyler dahil para daw niyang kapatid dahil sa buhok. Riri’s curls were kind of waves, and the girls were so amused at how she seemed like a girl version of me.

“Ang ganda mo siguro Mav kung naging babae ka,” Angela’s comment earlier.

Dinala ko na dahil si Mommy, may tatapusin daw. She just provided for the trip. Ayos na rin para naman makapagbond din ang mga kapatid ko sa circles ko.

“Gusto mong kausap, pero ayaw mo rin? Nawawalan ka ng gana, sa alin? Sa set up siguro? Ipakilala nalang kaya kita sa therapist ko?” he whispered more.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, alright? Ikaw lang naman ang makulit dito. Tanong nang tanong.” I rolled my eyes boredly and looked outside the window when Rick was sticking to me for this damn reason.

“Malamang hindi mo kinukwento. Problema mong hindi mo pinoproblema tapos pag napuno ka, saka mo poproblemahin? Sarap mo ring saktan eh,” he whispered aggressively and rolled his eyes too—annoyed.

Invested motherfucker. Did he learn his lesson that he doesn’t want me to repeat his damn mistake?

When we reached Cebu, the tarpaulin was just too hard to ignore, while Brent was a bit frowning as Shiloh waved his hand at us excitedly.

“Tingnan mo ang mukha ni Brent, parang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa. Akala niya siguro masosolo niya si Shiloh?” natatawang si Angela.

“Kuya Shiloh!” Takbo ni Riri at lumundag lundag ang ulo ng unicorn na backpack sa likod niya.

Shiloh’s eyes widened even more when he realized I brought my siblings. Hawak ko ang kamay ni Jester at tumitingin tingin sa paligid.

Yumuko si Brent at kinarga si Riri. Shiloh smiled and talked to her childishly while they’re both giggling about whatever their plans are.

May resthouse sa strawberry farm nila kung saan kami tumuloy. The girls can’t even let go of Riri, while Jester is now on Ron’s shoulders.

“Ay pwede kanang tatay, Ron!” biro ng mga girls.

Humalakhak si Tyler. “Imagine it, bro. Wala kang girlfriend pero may anak ka?”

“Fuck you! Sa ating dalawa, ikaw ang mas mauunang maging ama!” Ron showed his dirty finger.

“Wala na si Shiloh, nanghihingi na yata ng anak Brent.” Nguso ni Tyler kay Shiloh at Riri lalo na’t dalawa pa silang may basket habang naghaharvest.

We joined in on their harvesting while Riri was now talking about making a cake once we went back to Luzon. At ako na naman ang uutusan niyang magbigay!

We used the whole resthouse, where we could sleep too. May dalawang malaking rooms. Doon ang girls, at kaming boys sa kabila. Nasa mga kuwarto sila at rinig ko ang mga bungisngis dahil pinagkakatuwaan ang mga kapatid ko habang lumabas ako at manigarilyo.

“Sabi ni Rick kausapin daw kita,” ani Shiloh. “Bakit? May problema ba kayo ni Rade? Nagpapansinan pa rin ba kayo o hininto muna dahil kay Chloe?”

Damn. Si Rick pa yata ang mas problemado sa problema kong hindi ko pinoproblema masyado.

“We stopped since Chloe is uncomfortable. But…I completely ignore him, which is my own decision.”

Tumango siya. “Naguguluhan ka?”

“I’m losing interest, really. But at the same time, I want him. It’s hard. Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko siya…but I know it’s not lust anymore. I don’t even mind not doing it with him for a month now. Or even a year.”

“Kailan ba nagsimula ’yung pagkawala mo ng interest?” tanong ni Shiloh.

I tried to recall it. Well, there’s always something bugging my mind, but I would try to understand it and shrug it off, but…

“His sister mentioned something to me about…Verena. I lost my mood since she was including some other names, and…she included Brent too. I hate it.” I started sharing those thoughts.

Tumango si Shiloh. “Ano pa?”

“That scene where Verena would drive them home. Though it’s understandable that he’s drunk and they’re close.”

Tumango siyang muli. “Meron pa?”

I nodded. “Sa Facebook. Nakaheart si Rade sa reply. Though I also understand it since I would heart some replies too. Kahit sila Angela, ih-heart ko eh.”

Shiloh smiled at me. “Pag magkasama sila ni Verena, ano nararamdaman mo?”

I shrugged. “Ayos lang din. But I kind of envy that he could be with her freely in public while he prefers seeing me privately since he doesn’t want Chloe to see us together.”

Natawa ng bahagya si Shiloh. Kumunot ang noo ko.

“But I don’t really have something with Verena. I just…think it’s quite unfair here that…” My brows knitted even more.

“Nagseselos ka, Mav…”

Jealous? I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

“That’s impossible. I am not the kind of person who gets jealous.”

“Hindi mo pa nasubukang magselos ’di ba?” nangingiti niyang tanong.

I shook my head. “Hindi pa.”

“Oh edi nagseselos ka nga. Bago sa’yo ang emosyon kaya siguro hindi mo agad mapangalanan. Pinipigilan mo kasi ang emosyon mo pero mararamdaman mo naman ’yan. Kunwari, magagalit ka bigla sa taong ’yon kahit walang ginagawang masama sa’yo.”

“I’m not mad at Verena.” Iling ko. “I actually like her personally. She’s pretty. Hot. Sexy. Cold. Fierce. Bagay kay Rade.”

“Ano lang ang nararamdaman mo pag naiisip mo silang dalawa?” tanong niya.

“I’m…losing interest.”

Mas lumawak lalo ang ngiti niya. “Nagseselos ka nga!”

Really?

“Selos ’yan, Mavric,” he lightly giggled.

I knit my brows. It was that feeling I can’t hardly name, and every time their scene popped out of my mind, I’d suddenly feel drained or tired. I just lose interest in it because it’s too emotional.

I’m…jealous?

Fuck. Am I?

Tumawa si Shiloh. “Bago kasi sa’yo. Baka pakiramdam mo lang wala kang gana pero nakakawalang gana naman talaga pag nagseselos. Huwag mo kasing kimkimin ang nararamdaman mo, Mav, para makilala mo. Para hindi ka naguguluhan kung ano ang gagawin o kung paano siya reresolbahin. Huwag mong ignorahin.”

I don’t wanna talk to him either. I’ve been fucking avoiding him for more than a month now because I’m suddenly losing interest. I’m too overwhelmed, and I feel jaded that I wanted to just completely throw him out of my life.

But there was always that feeling in me where I wanted to entertain him. I wanted his attention so much that I continued those thirst traps just to keep him entertained. I wanted his hands…all over my throat as my own leash, as I want him to be so fucking territorial that I’m only his.

There’s always that feeling lingering in me that fuels my feelings for him and keeps me on the ground, as I couldn’t even step away.

“Ayos lang naman sa’yo na…parehas kayong lalake ’di ba?” he confirmed.

I nodded. “I don’t mind it now. Sinuportahan ko rin kayo para maging open ako sa ganito.”

He smiled warmly. “Eh…si Chloe? Anong naiisip mo kay Chloe?”

I shrugged. “Ayos lang din. I respect her decision and her judgements. If she wasn’t comfortable for the mean time, then I won’t hit on his brother. I’d understand Rade if he would not continue seeing me too. Ayos lang. I’d understand. But I’ll still fire my shot in the long run once his sister approves.”

“Eh…kung si Verena at Rade ang magkatuluyan?”

There. That fucking feeling. Thinking about it makes me completely lose interest! I’d drop it right then!

Tumawa si Shiloh at itinuro ang mukha ko.

“’Yun ang problema, Maverick. Nagseselos ka!” He laughed.

I pressed my tongue against my mouth and laughed as well. Damn. Is that it? I’m fucking jealous of him and Verena?

I immediately got my phone out of my pocket as I typed a text. Ngumiti si Shiloh habang tinitingnan akong nagtitipa ng sasabihin kay Rade. I have the guts now.

Mavric:

Merry Christmas. Alright. Let’s meet on Friday once I’m back in Luzon.

Chapter 29

Caught

I met up with him using his motorbike. I was already overwhelmed with how to tell him one by one. Gagong pagseselos. Should I tell him about that part?

But then he was open to telling me he’s jealous of the people around me. And I wanted to demand something here.

Though he had told me it’s up to me to decide, I’m quite thinking for Chloe. But if Rade decided we would just lie low first, I would understand it. Pero kaya niya ba?

I immediately spotted his car in the parking lot. Kinuha ko ang helmet paalis sa ulo ko at tiningnan ang salamin para ayusin ang nagulo kong buhok.

Fuck. Why am I nervous? I ghosted him for a month and a half, and I would really understand if he lost his interest too. Did he? Baka nakahanap na? At sino naman? Did the fucker turn straight?

I was more determined now to walk to his car. Binuksan niya iyon sa loob kaya hinila ko lalo ang pinto at pumasok doon.

The scent immediately welcomed me. He looked at me silently as I took a seat and closed the door.

“Here.” I handed the gift.

His brows shot up. “What’s this?”

I shrug. “Peace offering.”

He licked his lip as he tried to stifle his smile, but it still showed. Humalukipkip ako at tiningnan siyang itabi iyon.

“Thanks. How’s your Cebu?”

“Fun. You wanna see the photos?” Inilabas ko ang phone ko para makita niya iyon.

He was silently looking at me. Tumikhim ako at itinaas saglit ang phone para hindi niya makita ang screen. My phone immediately opened when it recognized my face until I clicked the gallery.

Inilahad niya iyon sa akin. He looked so interested while looking at the photos as he browsed them one by one.

“Riri was eager to go to Cebu since she wants to visit Shiloh’s strawberry farm so she could make you a cake.”

He swallowed a bit and nodded. “It’s almost her birthday. January.”

“Yup. Gusto niyang magbeach eh. She wants to build a sandcastle and talk to the sea. She’s quite fond of Moana lately. I was planning to take my siblings to the beach…with you…”

I could feel his distance in the way he looked at me hesitantly. Fuck.

“I-I’m sorry,” I uttered, so I would put him at ease.

I’ve seen the shock in his face for a while, but he calmed down right then.

He looked at me carefully. “You met up with Chloe?”

He’s really eager to talk about this?

I slowly nodded. “Ah yes… we just talked. She was still mad, but she admitted her fault, and…I said sorry too?” I smiled confidently, bragging about my improvement.

“What did she tell you?”

I shrug. “Kung ano ano lang. Her disapproval and anger. Though I could deal with that. Gano’n din kasi ako noon. She would learn eventually if you told her things about it?”

Marahan ang pagtango niya. “She was still coping up. And…she’s dealing with inner battles too. She sees you as a displacement since…”

Umangat ang kilay ko.

He licked his lips. “Our father is a cheater.”

My shoulder loosened. Cheater. The one I accused my dad of.

“She never had a boyfriend since her trust issues with men worsened. Our mom left us for…our dad’s behavior.”

I swallowed hard. He had these family problems he didn’t open up to me. Well, I don’t talk about families. He might have sensed it’s a trigger for me. But I feel bad now that I haven’t asked about his life.

“But I apologize whatever she said to you. I got one of her anger too. I’m still making up, but she was quite hard to deal with. She thinks I broke her trust too,” aniya.

Bumaba ang balikat ko, nagtatagal ang titig sa kanya. Nabanggit nga ni Chloe na hindi niya alam kung mapagkakatiwalaan niya pa ako. And she might have felt the same way about her brother too. Rade has this consideration for his sister. If…Chloe would not approve us…then…

“You wanted to end it? She mentioned it,” I opened up bravely, ready for whatever he wanted at the moment.

I could face this. I just know. I tried my best not to run away from it because I don’t wanna leave him behind, and I needed to fix myself first before I’d start whatever I liked with him.

I just couldn’t understand myself. There’s just something about the situation that loses my interest, but…I know how to deal with it now. For the fucking first time.

Nagtagal ang titig niya. “It would be up to you.”

I calmed down. Up to me. Damn it. So I have the upper hand here. I’m not dropping this.

I licked my lips. “Then…I wanna demand things?” I tilted my head and smiled.

“Demand after. I’ll accept it,” he said eagerly.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Why? Do you have plans today?”

He nodded. “Let’s hit the hotel?”

My jaw dropped. Humagalpak ako sa front seat. Gago?

He rolled his eyes as he laughed too. “We’d just eat. Dirtyminded.”

Tumango ako kahit natatawa pa. “Alright. We’ll eat. No funny business? And…I’m not really into it at the moment. I just wanna bond…with you?”

His smile vanished. He licked his lips and avoided looking at my dimple, as he immediately took his eyes off me.

“Alright…” he said, sounding hoarse.

“You’ve found someone else?” I casually asked since I’d sensed something in him.

Tumingin agad siya. “I should be the one asking you. You’re already dating.”

Oh…shit. Umiling agad ako. “No…it wasn’t. Tyler met up with a nursing student and…”

He nodded. “You left. You avoided it. Scared I’d get jealous?” He arched his brow.

“Did you get jealous?” I asked persistently.

Marahan ang tango niya. “Yes. Countless times. But we’re not in a relationship, so…”

“I am too,” agap ko.

I’ve seen the sudden freeze in him. His brows knitted confusingly.

“When?”

I shrug. “Matagal na rin.”

The hope in his eyes was like fireworks dancing. He was completely shocked.

“You don’t…get jealous…and yet you are…jealous?”

I leaned against my seat and shut my eyes, nodding defeatedly.

“I lose interest in things that hurt me, and… I’m hurt why you are freely hanging out with Verena in public and you’re…keeping me in private.”

His shoulders loosened even more.

“Marami, actually. I don’t feel good every time the people around you point out Verena is the perfect match for you. Nabababaan ako sa sarili ko. It was new to me. Hindi ko masyadong nakilala o napangalanan agad since I’m not the jealous type but…I’m…jealous. Though I don’t hate Verena but…”

He pulled my nape until his lips brushed with mine, eager and provocative. My brows were still knitting as I kissed him back while my stomach churned.

It was the kiss that involved raw emotions—no lust. A kiss where you were too overwhelmed to listen to his words and all you wanted was to absorb them by claiming his lips.

“I was hurt that I could even ignore you for a year…or so…without seeing anyone else. Unless you claim me and…put your hand on my throat again. Damn it.”

He was heavily sighing against my mouth as I whispered it to his. His brows were completely knit too, brushing his lips and tasting mine seconds by seconds, like he wanted to let me talk, but at the same time, he wanted to taste me as well.

“You were completely ignoring me because you are jealous?” he asked, shocked—yet his voice was hoarse.

“Yeah?”

He shut his eyes and chuckled, kissing me again.

“And I…”

Umiling agad siya. “I’ll hear it later. After the hotel.”

My brows knit, but he was eager to kiss, so I indulged in it as well. It was like a reward after feeling heavy.

“I’ve fallen, Rade,” I confessed in the middle of the kiss.

He sighed and shut his eyes. He bowed a bit, like it was too much for him and he couldn’t listen to it anymore.

“You…taught me how to embrace this other side of love. It’s overwhelming, and…I want to own this,” I confessed.

Humingos siya at mas huminga nang malalim. I could sense how he tried his best to hold back his emotions. Was it that overwhelming that he wanted to…cry?

He checked on his phone. Agad kong nakita ang lockscreen niya. Damn him. It was my solo picture. The one on the back seat.

“Let’s check in,” namamaos niyang sabi at inabot ang lock ng pinto para lumabas.

He wants to do it? But he said we would just eat? Did he change his mind and want to bang me now? Triggered by my confession?

But I was eager too. Though I’m not considering it now, I would love it too. Kung gusto niya…edi gusto ko rin.

Namulsa ako sa aking pants at tiningnan siya. His eyes were bloodshot, so I sighed and didn’t know how to properly hold him. How does it work with men?

I was looking at his hands, a bit confused about how to do it. Maybe there was a proper way…or…should I aim at his waist?

He reached for my hand. My chest pounded uncontrollably. I licked my lips and held them firmly while he pulled me to the entrance of the hotel.

“Were you so pent up while I’m gone?” I interrogated while looking at his back since he was in a hurry.

Hindi siya nagsalita. My brows knit more. But then, he might be so excited that the only thing on his mind was…banging? Isang buwan at mahigit din naman. So…he never entertained anyone too? I smiled a little.

He talked to the front desk while my eyes drifted somewhere. Kinuha noon ang buong atensyon ko lalo na’t kilalang kilala ko, mukhang papalabas na.

My mom, in her black pencil skirt and white inner dress shirt together with a black coat, was with a stranger—a yet familiar man who’s also in corporate attire.

May kamukha ang lalakeng kasama niya, ngunit ang kumuha ng pansin ko, ay ang kamay ng lalake sa baywang ni mommy.

My mom chuckled while she was saying something, reaching for his jaw, and kissing him lightly.

I reach for my phone shakily just to fucking confirm if it was her while they were nearing. Why is she in this fucking inn? I pressed the call button while my eyes were on them. When my mom tried to find her phone and slipped it out of her coat as she answered it, I completely felt how it crumbled down.

“My son…calling.” I read how she mouthed the words and showed the screen as she gestured to the man to shut up for a while.

I turned it off as I completely froze. Kumunot ang noo ni mommy at tumingin sa harap. Noong magtama ang tingin namin, unti-unting namilog ang mga mata niya.

She froze and pulled the hand of whoever that motherfucker was out of her waist while the man looked at us too. But then…his eyes went to Rade.

“Rade?” he called confusingly.

Bumaba ang tingin ni Mommy sa kamay ko. Her eyes widened even more when she saw that I was holding hands with a man.

“M-Maverick…” and she looked at the man beside me. “Rade…”

Fuck.

When I glanced at Rade, his reaction was with no hint of shock—like he had been used to them—but with his jaw clenching and his eyes with intense rage, my hand loosened on his.

This…this…motherfucker…set me up to see this, didn’t he?

Mabigat ang paghinga ko. At sa sobrang dilim ng paningin ko, pag hinawakan ako ng kahit sino, pakiramdam ko sasabog agad ako.

It was a sudden realization that hit all of us like a running truck I couldn’t avoid—the memories kept coming back from its root and the multiple stabs in my chest that made my mind spin.

Masyadong masikip sa loob na dire-diretso akong naglakad palabas, halos malalim ang paghugot ng hininga, sunod sunod, at sobrang labo na ang tingin.

I reached for the key in my pants until I dropped it shakily. My jaw clenched and I crouched to pick it up, but my breath was just too heavy that I wanted to explode right then. I wanted to lash out and punch whoever the goddamn man is with my mother.

“Mavric!” my mother’s panicked voice from the back chased after me.

I breathed even more, my tears falling uncontrollably, as I took the key with my shaky hand and walked to the motorbike.

“Calm down for a…” It was Rade’s voice.

But before he could even stop me, I had already punched him so hard that he stumbled on the ground. My shoulders rocked as I glared at him. Motherfucker!

Naubo siya at dinilaan ang pang-ibaba niyang labing dumugo.

“Here’s my fucking demand. Get the fuck out of my sight!” I fired angrily and went into his motorbike.

“Mavric!” sigaw ni mom na gusto akong pigilan ngunit nilapitan si Rade.

I put my helmet on, gripped the handles, and drove so fast that I don’t fucking mind bumping into the other cars right now.

Dire-diretso ang pagpapatakbo ko. The only thing on my mind was to get to Batangas right away.

Tumakas ang hikbi ko. Sa sobrang labo ng tingin ko, sa sikip ng dibdib, halos basag na lahat ng mga alaalang binalikan sa isip ko.

My shoulder was shaking as I gripped the handle more until the motorbike ran at full speed. It was past six. Malapit lang din sa Batangas kaya madali lang makabalik.

She…she was the one who’s cheating behind my father’s back?

Mabilis kong ipinark ang motorbike sa labas nang makarating agad sa bahay. I let it stumble on the ground as I knocked on the gate.

Dinukot ko ang phone ko at tinawagan si Dad. Two rings, and he answered it.

“Mav—

“Pick me up. Right now, d-dad…” I demanded until my voice broke.

“What happened? Are you okay? Where are you?” nag-aalala niyang tanong.

My lips trembled. Sa halip na sagutin iyon, sunod sunod na hikbi ang nabitiwan ko. I was so disappointed.

“Mavrick? What’s wrong?!” he panicked. “Are you okay? Nasaan ka?!”

“Mom…She’s…” I gritted my teeth and punched the gate so hard that it caused a thunderous noise.

Mariin akong pumikit, huminga nang malalim, at pakiramdam ko, lalagutan ako ng hininga.

“M-Maverick?” nagulat na tawag ni Lala nang makita niya ako pagkatapos buksan ang gate.

Sunod sunod ang pagpasok ko, nagmamadali.

“Is it Kuya? Kuya! Look! Look!” Ang ngiting suot suot ni Jester ay napawi nang makita niya ang reaksyon ko.

“Kuya—Kuya?” takbo ni Riri ngunit nang makita ang ekspresyon ko, tumigil sa gitna sa halip na lapitan ako.

She was fucking having her time while my siblings were craving her attention! She had the guts to flirt in the middle of our family problem! And that…christmas! She fucking left us to meet up with that goddamn motherfucker, is that it?! She was so busy with someone else that she forgot her own responsibility as a mother?!

Nagngitngit ang tingin ko at dumeritso sa itaas.

“Kuya?” Natatarantang si Jester at sumunod.

“M-Mavric? Hello, ma’am? Opo! Umuwi siya at…nag…nag-iimpake po ma’am! H-Hindi ko pa kayang lapitan ma’am…N-Natatakot po ako. Opo… galit na galit po.”

I pulled the drawers open and took bigger luggage so I could put all of my things there.

I slammed all of my clothes in while the heads of my siblings popped out on the side of the door as they watched me fall and punch the drawer, which triggered Riri’s lips to quiver.

“Kuya…i’m scared…” hikbi niya. “Riri is scared…kuya…”

Tumakbo agad si Jester sa akin at mahigpit ang yakap sa baywang ko.

“Kuya!” hagulhol niya at tiningala ako. “Don’t leave! Don’t leave!”

Tumayo si Riri sa gilid ng pinto at malakas na umiyak habang kinukusot ang mga mata niya. I pulled more of my things, despite how Jester clung to me.

“Mav…a-anong problema? Pauwi na ang mommy mo…” kabado at takot na sabi ni Lala, nag-aambang lumapit ngunit hindi magawa.

“Kuya! Don’t go! You promised! You promised!” sigaw ni Jester.

Malakas ang iyak ni Riri na mabilis na inakay ni Lala.

“Kuya!” Mahigpit ang yakap ni Jester sa hita ko, takot na baka pag bumitiw siya, makawala ako.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang emosyon ko. Kahit anong kalma ko, hindi ko maitago. But with my siblings loud cries, I could almost feel sorry for what they’ve been through. They had this shitty hell of a life while our mother was out there, giving her attention to a motherfucker—I punched the wall countless times when I couldn’t contain my anger as soon as it popped out of my mind again.

“Kuya! Enough! Enough!” Riri shouted. “D-Don’t hurt…yourself!”

“Kuya!” si Jester na inabot ang kamay ko at umiling iling. “Tama na…Tama na, kuya…dumudugo na ang kamay mo.”

“M-Mavric,” naiiyak na tawag ni Lala sa akin ngunit nagring ulit ang phone niya at natataranta iyong sinagot.

“Ma’am…bilisan niyo po. N-Natatakot po ako lapitan, ma’am… Nag-iiyakan po sila Jester at Riri…n-natatakot na rin po,” iyak ni Lala.

Umiling si Jester habang tinitingnan ang mga gamit ko. The anger completely blocked everything, and I don’t think I would consider any of this right now.

Narinig ko ang kotse sa labas. Ilang sandali lang, ang nagmamadaling yabag ng paa ang umakyat.

“Mavric,” namumutlang takbo ni mommy papasok.

I shook my head and zipped my luggage.

“Son…c-calm down…talk to me…talk to me…” she demanded as she shakily reached for my face.

I gritted my teeth and pulled my luggage.

“Kuya!” Hagulhol ni Jester at hinawakan nang mahigpit ang pulso ko. “Y-You promised!”

“Jester! Go to Lala for a while! I’ll talk to kuya,” si Mommy na hinila siya ng bahagya hanggang pumasok ulit si Lala at kinuha si Jester.

I pulled my luggage out of my room. Sumunod si Mommy. Sa lakas ng iyak ng mga kapatid ko, halos hindi ko na marinig ang hikbi ko, o kung umiiyak din ba si mommy sa likod ko.

“M-Maverick—”

“I fucking chose you over dad, mom!” I shouted thunderously when she pulled me again.

Mabilis na namula ang mga mata niya. “M-Mav…I…I tried…we tried…”

“You tried what? To cover up your cheating ass? To be this damn busy so you could fucking make time for that bastard?” I looked at her with rage.

Hindi siya halos nakapagsalita. She looked so guilty and apologetic.

“Kailan pa? Matagal na?” I gritted my teeth—my hands turned into fists.

She looked at me hesitantly. I clenched my jaw and pulled my luggage more, but she blocked my way and put her hands on my cheeks, cupping my face.

“Listen… Your father…he’s…” hikbi niya, halos sunod sunod na bumagsak ang luha niya. “He’s gay, Maverick…”

Lumabo siya sa paningin ko. The things I’ve been running from in the past have finally gotten a hold of me. It caught me. And I…was completely crushed—stumbled—wrecked.

“N-Naalala mo? K-Kaya ka namin pinatherapy noong bata ka k-kasi nakita mo? Na…s-sinusukat niya ang mga gamit ko at…naglilipstick siya? N-Nakita mo ’yon…at…at sa takot mo…tumakbo ka kaya nahulog ka dito sa hagdan… You were traumatized, Mavric! For months!”

“Did you use it as an excuse, mom? Did you file a divorce because…he’s gay, or you just want to use it as a reason because you’re cheating behind him?”

It was like I hit a nail in the head.

“M-Mav. Your father is gay! Do you understand that?! Look what it did to you! You’ve gone through therapy so you could just cope up—”

“Because you never explained and educated me about it when I was young! Damn it!” I punched the wall to direct my anger.

Napaatras si mommy sa takot. Ngunit nang makabawi, hinila niya akong muli at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Dinala ni Lala ang mga kapatid kong umiyak lalo sa ibaba para hindi iyon makita.

“Since when?” Matalim, ngunit halos manalangin ako, na mali ang hinala ko.

But with her trembling lips and the way she answered me with a whimpered cry, my blood boiled to the core.

“Five years ago. After…I gave birth to Riri.”

My shoulder loosened. Yumuko ako at nanghihinang napaupo sa sahig. I tried to catch my breath, but my cries exploded.

“I was confused…Mav. Hindi ko alam p-paano niya mapapanindigan ang pagiging…asawa at ama…na…ganyan siya…” hikbi niya.

“Don’t give me that excuse that you cheated on him because he’s gay!” I cried regretfully.

Yumuko siya at tinakpan ang bibig niya.

“I…abandoned him for thinking he fucking cheated on you and…I failed to give him his chance…to be a father to me…” nabasag ang tinig ko.

Gumalaw ang balikat niya at nanginginig na umiyak.

“Ikaw ang pinili ko! Ikaw…ang pinanindigan ko dahil mas kailangan mo ako! Because I don’t want you to carry this responsibility alone now that my own father can’t even man up and carry our family! But you…you were the one who wrecked it!”

Dumaloy ang sakit sa mukha niya, ngunit wala akong pakialam dito kung bawat salita ko, masasaktan siya. Because she needs to hear this! She needs to wake up!

“And I remember everything, mom. I was too young back then. I couldn’t…embrace him completely because I was afraid to have a gay father. I distanced myself…thinking he would…put me in shame…” I confessed guiltily.

“Inisip ko…na baka guni-guni ko lang lahat ng iyon dahil bata pa ako. That I tried to cover it through thinking that those lipsticks were for his cheating ass! Kaya pinili kita! Pero ikaw pala! If you think…his gender failed you that you chose to cheat…then you…you…are the worst…”

Humawak siya sa railings at halos nanghinang tinakpan ang bibig kahit tuloy tuloy ang hikbi niya.

“Kung alam ko lang ’yang pinaggagawa mo…I…should have supported my father..and pushed him to come out instead of putting up with a woman who sees his gender as a hindrance to building a family!”

The pain in her expression tripled, and she was shaking uncontrollably while crying.

“I am regretting why you two have met…because I would rather not have this life if this family would be a burden to the both of you, mom…” pag-amin ko sa napupunit na tinig.

Umiling siya at lumuhod sa harap ko, hinawakan ang aking pisngi. Pilit ko iyong tinanggal dahil nandidiri ako sa pinaggagawa niya, nagagalit ako na nahihirapan ang mga kapatid ko dahil sa naging desisyon niya.

“I’m s-sorry…Maverick…” she cried weakly, almost pulling me for a hug, but I can’t even let her warmth melt my boiling anger right now.

“What were you sorry for? Sorry that you’ve been caught?” I asked disappointedly.

Chapter 30

Flaws

Tulala ako sa sahig habang nakasandal sa pader. My mother was still crying. I could feel my fist aching, but it was my least concern.

“I was afraid for the shame our family would face, Mavric. I am afraid I would be a laughing stock in this society that my husband is gay and that my kids would be bullied if their father is gay… A-Ayoko nang maranasan ang nangyari sa’yo noon… At hindi ko na kayang tiisin na…hindi ako…hindi babae ang gusto niya…” she cried devastatingly as she was still trying to cup my face.

“Did he cheat on you? Did he?” namamaos kong tanong.

“He’s gay, Maverick. What would you want me to do—”

“So what? That’s not an excuse to cheat on people! There is never an excuse to cheat on people, mom! This isn’t about his sexuality anymore! This is about you! You were so busy…and I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt that you were having a hard time dealing with us, with your failed marriage, with the divorce, and yet…you are in that fucking hotel…” The rage scattered on my expression that I needed to just punch the wall but to see my siblings coming up, I controlled it.

Every time I would point out her mistake, she would just bow apologetically. Ngayon kana nahiya nang mabisto ka?

“K-Kuya?” ang humihingos na si Riri na umakyat at sumilip.

Sumunod si Jester, humihikbi pa at gumagalaw ang balikat sa pag-iyak nang lumapit din, habang si Lala ay nakasunod, gustong hilain ang dalawa ngunit tuloy tuloy nila akong nilapitan.

Riri stood in between my parting legs. Hinila niya ang dulo ng kanyang dress at ipinunas niya sa umaagos kong luha. Si Jester naman ay sa gilid ko pumwesto at yumakap sa aking leeg.

“I’m here, kuya…” she said gently, as if it were enough to comfort me.

“Huwag mo akong iwan, k-kuya…” hikbi ni Jester.

Isinandal ko ang mukha ko sa mga balikat nila at kapwa sila niyakap sa bawat braso ko. I cried on their shoulders. We were facing it all alone. Simula noong magpasya silang magdivorce, parang nahati na ang bahay, ngunit hindi sa dalawa, kundi sa tatlo. We were left in the middle, with no choice but to deal with it on our own because our parents were now busy trying to move on and go on with their lives.

Ngunit kami, kailanman, hindi humakbang at nagpatuloy. Naiwan kami sa sirang pamilya, naghihintay na baka maalala nila at maisipang baguhin ang desisyon, ngunit pakiramdam nila, pag nagtrabaho sila para lang maitaguyod kami, sapat na iyon, kahit na hindi na nila kami kausapin pa.

How could she do this to us? Wala siyang oras sa amin. Habang nanglilimos ng atensyon ang mga kapatid ko, naroon siya sa lalake niya. Umaga…gumigising si Riri para maabutan siya. At si Jester, naipon na ang hinanakit sa kanila.

Was she thankful that I was taking care of my siblings so she could make more time for her cheating ass? And what’s the divorce for? To marry that motherfucker?

And what, she’s gonna reason that…my father was gay? And she tried to find another man to satisfy her?

“Kuya…talk to m-mommy again. Can you? Communicate calmly, kuya…can you? Please? Mommy…she will listen…” Riri whispered with her quivering lips.

Humigpit ang yakap ni Jester sa akin. “Isama mo ako, k-kuya. Ayoko rito…Huwag mo akong i-iwan. H-Hindi ako mahal ni mommy…”

When mommy heard it, her whimper escaped, and she cried softly. She deserves to hear how Jester grew distant from her!

Tumayo akong muli. Riri lifted her head as she reached for my hand pleadingly. Si Jester naman ay sa hita ko yumakap, humagulhol doon. Yumuko ako at kinarga si Riri, kinuha naman ang kamay ni Jester.

“I already called dad. He’s coming home. I’m gonna bring my siblings,” I said coldly, and I walked to the stairs with my siblings.

“Mavric…” Mommy called nervously as she followed me.

“Go back to him, mom. Have fun. Thank you for letting us get used to your absence.”

“Mav!” tawag ni Mommy at sumunod lao sa akin.

Riri’s cry worsened on my shoulder. Si Jester, nagpupunas na ng luha at hindi man lang lumingon kay Mommy, pursigido na sumama sa akin at malalaki ang hakbang.

“Lala, pakilagay ng bagahe ko likod ng kotse. Paki-impake din ng mga gamit ng kapatid ko,” seryoso kong utos.

Nag-aalangan si Lala at nilingon pa si Mommy. I looked at her again, and she hurriedly nodded and ran back to the house fearfully.

Ipinasok ko ang humihingos kong mga kapatid sa backseat ng pickup truck. Noong isinara ko ang pinto, muli akong nilapitan ni mommy at hinawakan sa mukha.

“Let’s talk for a while, Mav. Don’t do this, please?” halos magmakaawa ang tinig niya.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at tinanggal lamang ang pagkakahawak niya sa mukha ko. I’ve heard her excuses. It wouldn’t change anything here. I can’t swallow what she did. She scarred us!

Noon, gustong gusto kong ayusin nila ni dad ang kung ano mang problema na meron sila para sa amin. But after what I’ve seen, her kissing someone else, looking like a happy married woman, boiled my blood to the core.

Mas mabuti pa ngang magdivorce sila. Anong bubuohin nila kung naglolokohan nalang at kawawa pa kami? My father—who is gay—was shamed to have raised his own family by my own mother. That she sees her cheating ass as her coping mechanism because my father could not provide for her needs as a woman? Disgusting!

Paano niya nakakayang umuwi sa bahay, makita kami, na may kinikita siyang iba?

“Mavric!” My mother called aggressively, as she wanted to use her superiority against me, but the guilt in her voice roared so badly that it sounded broken.

“Be ashamed, mom. The son of the man you were seeing set me up just so I could see your dirt. Hindi kana nahiya? Dalawang pamilya ang sinira mo? May anak ka rin,” giit ko nang maisip niya ang pinaggagawa niya.

Natigilan siya, tila ba naalala ang nakita niya sa hotel. Binuksan ko ang driver’s seat at pumasok. Pinanood ni Riri at Jester si mommy sa labas habang umiiyak pa rin si Riri, si Jester naman ay tumahan na.

“Kuya. How about mommy? W-Why are we leaving mommy, kuya?” si Riri sa maliit na boses.

I gritted my teeth and looked at my phone, as I’d seen dad’s countless messages.

Dad:

Calm down, Mavric.

Dad:

Where are Jester and Riri?

Dad:

I’m now taking a rush flight.

Dad:

Take your siblings to your condo in the meantime. Your mom and I will talk once I get there.

Pinanood ko ang pagsagot ni mommy ng phone niya, hawak ang noo at naiiyak na tumango habang problemadong problemado. Tumingin siya sa kotse at tinakpan ang bibig niya at napahikbi lalo.

Noong maipasok ni Lala ang mga gamit sa likod, saka ko rin iyon ipinaandar. Humikbi si Riri habang tahimik siyang inalu ni Jester sa likod. Nakita ko pa ang paglapit ni Lala kay mommy at inalu rin ito.

“Mommy…” she cried.

“She is always busy. It’s okay, Riri,” si Jester.

I’m hurt that Jester is always fine without our parents, as long as he has me. Ganoon na ka layo ang loob niya sa kanila na ayos lang na magkasama kami.

“Who would kiss her when she’s tired if Riri is not there?” She whined in the middle of her sobs.

Tahimik akong nagmaneho, pinatugtog nalang sa stereo ang mga paboritong kanta ni Riri nang gumaan ang loob niya. Kumakanta siya pero umiiyak pa rin. Noong mastuck sa traffic, kinalabit ako ni Jester.

Lumingon ako. He reached for my hand, so I let him grab it until he pulled a box of band aids out of his pocket.

Tumigil sa paghikbi si Riri nang makita iyon at tumulong sa ginagawa ni Jester.

“Does it hurt, Kuya?” tanong ni Riri.

I suddenly felt guilty that they had seen my outburst.

“Huwag niyo ’yung gagayahin.”

“Kuya…Arki told me that getting angry is healthy when you are angry. But please, don’t hurt yourself. You can get angry, kuya. But don’t hurt yourself,” ani Riri.

My blood boiled as soon as I heard his name. But to know that my mother inflicted pain on their family made a hollow in my stomach.

Humikab si Jester habang kinukumutan ko si Riri nang magcheck in kami sa bandang Laguna, ayaw dumeritso sa condo ko sa Bonifacio dahil baka may magpakita doon. Tulog na tulog na si Riri basa pa ang talukap ng kanyang mga mata kakaiyak. I sighed and kissed her forehead apologetically.

“Jest…sleep here beside Riri,” sabi ko.

Jester shook his head. Bumuntonghininga ako at yumuko sa harap niya saka siya pinaupo sa dulo ng kama. I stretched a small smile.

“I’m sorry. I…didn’t mean to…scare you.”

Kumalma agad ang ekspresyon niya. Tumango siya.

“Can you sleep with us, kuya?”

Ngumuso ako at tiningnan ang kama. Malaki naman pero siksikan nga lang. May isa pa namang kuwarto. But then, he might have been so scared that he needed to assure himself that I would not leave.

Tumango ako. Mabilis siyang humiga at tumingin sa akin. I just changed my clothes and joined them on the bed as I stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t even sleep a wink while my thoughts were immediately bombarded with what happened.

Sa tindi ng galit ko kay Rade, gusto kong makipagkita sa kanya at makipagsuntukan. Nakakalalaki siyang hayop siya. Did he use the alibi to sleep with me so he could do his plans? Is he even gay?

Then…I remembered what Chloe said to me. He wasn’t interested in me. Which means all of it was true. And games—this is fucking part of his set-up!

Tang ina! Gago! Kung pwede lang liparin kung nasaan man siya ngayon, talagang sisirain ko ang mukha niya sa matinding galit ko. I would not even feel any sympathy for him! He disgusts me to the core! Kung pwedeng masagaan ako ngayon agad nang makalimutan siya, gagawin ko!

But no. With my tremendous anger, it was enough to completely erase him from my life. Sa nagngingitngit kong galit, inilabas ko ang aking phone.

I used another picture to change my lockscreen and turned it into my two siblings with me instead. I also deleted all of our photos, deleted his number, and unfriended him on Facebook without hesitation.

Hindi ako sentimental na tao. I don’t mind deleting memories. Wala akong pakialam doon. Hindi ako nasasayangan sa mga ganoong bagay lalo na’t ngayon, walang kwenta na ang tingin ko doon.

Tapos na siya, hindi ba? Iyon lang naman siguro ang gusto niya! Ang makita ko ang katarantaduhan ng mommy ko sa pamilya nila. Wala nang rason para ipagpatuloy niya ’yang pagdikit dikit sa akin!

Nasasaktan ako, pero mas nangibabaw ang galit ko. I fucking confessed! Son of a bitch! Kung alam ko lang, hindi na dapat ako nag-aksaya ng oras sa kanya!

I lowered myself! No—damn it, he fucking made me fall for him! Nahulog ako diyan sa bitag niya! This was worse than a game! He wants to wreck me! He wants to ruin me! And those insults from the past, those judgments he had for me, were all because of his hatred that I was the son of the woman who wrecked their family.

Up to me, huh! Huwag na huwag kang magpapakita sa akin! And I would even make sure I’d completely forget you!

Naalimpungatan ako sa pagmamadaling bumangon ni Riri at tumakbo palabas ng kuwarto. It’s already five a.m. and I haven’t slept at all.

“Mommy?” tawag niya, siguro ay…akala niya nasa bahay pa rin kami.

I sighed and pulled myself out of the bed. Sumunod ako sa kanya at kinarga ito. Tila ba naalala niya na wala kami sa bahay kaya tiningnan niya ako.

“Kuya, are you still angry? What do you feel? It’s okay if you are angry, kuya, but don’t hurt yourself, okay?”

I nodded slowly. “Okay.”

I prepared for their breakfast, which I kind of memorized. Mahilig si Riri sa gulay dahil sinanay, si Jester naman ang maarte at gusto niya, laging may bacon sa umaga.

Daddy:

I’m home. Your mommy and I are talking for a bit.

I swallowed hard when I read his message in the afternoon. I typed for a reply.

Mavric:

Rest, dad.

I deleted my social media apps, so nothing would notify me of anything. Wala naman kaming plano this New Year kasi mostly sa amin, lalabas ng ibang bansa to celebrate. Kung hindi, may iba uuwi sa province.

Mga bandang 6 PM, may kumatok na na pinto. Binuksan ko iyon at nakita si dad. His shoulder loosened as soon as our eyes locked.

Lumunok ako. Hindi ko alam ano ang sasabihin. He smiled weakly and grabbed my nape, pulling it to his shoulder.

Pumikit ako at sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman, hindi ko na mapigilang maluha.

“I’m sorry for this…” bulong niya ng marahan.

“Is it daddy? Daddy!” ang tinig ni Riri hanggang nagtatakbo agad papalapit.

Humingos ako at tumuwid ng tayo, umatras ng kaonti, at pinalis ang luha.

My father’s eyes were teary as well when he laughed and carried Riri as Riri hugged her tightly.

Si Jester, naglakad palapit sa akin at yumakap sa aking hita, nagtatago sa aking likod. I ruffled his hair and looked at him meaningfully.

Tumingin din si Dad kay Jester, yumuko para lang palapitin si Jester. Jester lifted his eyes at me. I nodded and smiled.

Dahan dahan siyang lumapit kay Dad. Hinila siya ni dad sa isa niyang kamay habang yumakap agad si Jester sa kanya. Tumayo si dad at malaki ang ngiti nang nililingon sila, binulung-bulungan.

I folded my arms and leaned against the wall while watching him whisper things to my siblings. Umiyak si Jester at humagulhol sa balikat niya. Malakas ang iyak niya na sumunod din ang hikbi ni Riri.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Yumuko ako at huminga nang malalim. Sa sobrang sakit ng iyak ni Jester, halos maalala ko kung paano ako umiyak kahapon sa harap ni mommy.

Umupo si dad sa sofa, siguro dahil nanghihina lalo na’t naluluha rin siya. He maintained his smile, but the pain just lingered in his eyes, and I know he was hurting too.

“You…have other f-family,” hikbi ni Jester, iyon na ang naisatinig lalo na’t alam kong bumabagabag iyon sa kanya.

“No. I do not have other family. Kayo lang ang pamilya ko, Jest…” Daddy whispered.

Humihingos si Jester kaya nag-aalala akong nagsalin ng tubig dahil halos nahihirapan na siyang huminga kakaiyak.

Lumapit ako at pinainom siya ng tubig, halos nanginginig pa, at ganoon din si Riri.

Jester continued to cling to my father and bury his face against his neck. Kinuha ko saglit si Riri na yumakap agad sa balikat ko at umiyak doon.

“I’m hurt…kuya…” sumbong niya.

Hinaplos ko ang likod niya habang lumabas kami sa balkonahe para mahanginan siya at maaliw sa tanawin.

“Why are you hurt?” I asked hoarsely.

“Everyone is…sad. I’m hurt,” she cried.

Umupo ako habang nakaupo siya sa kandungan ko. I took her little band as I started caressing her hair so I could tie it.

“B-But…Arki told me it’s okay to cry…it’s okay to acknowledge you’re hurt. I’m hurt…” hikbi niya lalo at kinusot ang mga mata niya.

“And what will kuya do to lessen it?” tanong ko, namamaos ang tinig.

Inalis niya ang mga kamay niya para tingnan ako.

“Talk to mommy and daddy…Tell them…you are hurt…”

I feel like it was a stab. Marahan ang tango ko at ngumiti kahit may bumagsak na luha.

“Okay…I will…”

Isinandal niya ang ulo niya sa dibdib ko at patuloy na umiyak.

The balcony is just too triggering for whatever is playing in my head. But because Riri is clinging to me, it diminishes whatever is pushing me to do things that would hurt them and the words that she was telling me.

Pumasok akong muli noong mahinahon na si Riri at tumigil na rin sa kakaiyak si Jester habang nakaupo sa harap ng table. Napansin ko agad si dad sa kitchen sink, naka apron at nagluluto. He’s cooking for dinner.

Lumingon si dad kaya umupo din kami ni Riri sa table.

“Dad…can we do this once we’re home? Let’s have dinner with mommy too?” ani Riri.

Her little request would always hurt me. She would always ask for the bare minimum. Like a kid who’s asking for a coin that anyone could pull out of their pockets easily. Pero hirap na hirap pa ring ibigay iyon sa kanya.

“We will, little princess,” si dad na ngumiti at tumingin sa akin. “We will come home tonight, Mavric. Is that okay?”

I gritted my teeth. Tumingin si Jester sa akin, naninimbang ang titig. Tumingin din si Riri, marahan.

It was still fresh. I don’t wanna see her. I could even ignore her for a year or so because of how hurt I am by what she has done. Hindi ko alam kung magiging matimbang ba ang mga salita niya sa akin.

When my dad noticed how I could not answer it, his expression changed.

“When do you like?” he asked.

“Thirty, dad.”

“Before the new year…” he was contemplating it; probably he felt bad for my decision.

Masakit din sa akin. But I was only forcing myself to face it and see her because Riri requested it. Kung hindi para sa mga kapatid ko, I could go on with my life, move on, and go distant from her.

Walking away was always the easiest decision for me. I could ignore the people who inflicted pain on me for decades, or even for a lifetime, without proper closure. Kahit hindi na humingi ng tawad, ayos lang. I would just cut it.

But sometimes, the more you distance yourself, the more it haunts you. The more it torments you. And once you’ll explode, you’ll realize you’ve never tried to at least…lower yourself and accept that you are at fault too.

I never acknowledged the painful emotions, as I viewed them as a destructive part of my life. If I stayed composed all the time, my life would remain perfect—no flaws.

But maybe if I learned to put things down, acknowledged how heavy they were, and pulled what I had buried for so long despite the flaws, life would make sense even more. I kept on telling myself that the essence of life is to live—but I’ve forgotten how to even breathe slowly. To take things naturally—light or heavy—as those things would teach me lessons to at least understand myself better—to live more—to enjoy life.

Chapter 31

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation

Nightmare

Tulog na si Riri at Jester, napagod kakaiyak, at dala na rin siguro ng mga nangyari. Nasa balkonahe kami ni dad, nagpasyang mag-inuman pagkatapos ng dinner para makapag-usap din nang masinsinan.

“Your mom told me everything,” marahan niyang sabi.

Tinungga ko ang beer ko at nasa citylights din ang tingin.

“You knew about her…” medyo ayokong banggitin ng buo.

“Yes…”

Tumingin ako sa kanya, naninimbang ang titig.

“We are both hurting, Mavric. I used her as a front to show my family I was straight since my father—your grandfather—is very strict. Imagine my fear.” He chuckled.

My shoulder loosened. Though I felt bad for mom, the cheating part is just too hard to swallow.

“Since Georgia seemed to like me back in the day, I fired my shot,” he sighed heavily.

“You…never loved her, dad?” I asked.

“I loved her. I was willing to spend the rest of my life with her. You know that feeling that you just accepted things. You set aside your dreams because it’s just too far…or it wasn’t meant for you? And you tried to be contented…that’s why I married your mom. I love her like she was my half, but for some reason, I need her to make my life normal.”

Titig na titig ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ano ang mararamdaman ko.

“Nabanggit ni Georgia na naaalala mo raw ang lahat, at alam mo hanggang ngayon. But…your trauma triggered us to try, Mav. We tried to make it work for our family because you are too young and you are having a hard time. We were already collapsing at that time. Nagmakaawa lang ang mommy mo na baka…kung malaki ang pamilya natin, may mga kapatid ka, makakalimutan mo rin ’yon.”

My eyes watered and took my eyes off him. Riri and Jester were only made to…build our family stronger. Damn it.

“Hindi mo ba naisip na…baka pag ipinaintindi niyo lang sa akin, maiintindihan ko, dad?” marahan kong tanong.

He sniffed and smiled wearily. “Natakot din ako. I don’t want to ruin your life—your future. You know the prejudice against gay men. You might get bullied at school, and you are too young to deal with it. Hindi ko kaya na baka sisihin mo ako kung naging tampulan ka ng tukso dahil sa seksuwalidad ko.”

Huminga ako nang malalim. I reached for my beer and chugged it down when the lump in my throat felt strangling.

“When I confessed it to your mom, I’ve seen how scared she was—not just for herself, but maybe for the shame of our family. Siguro, doon din siya unti-unting nawalan ng gana sa akin. She had realized now why…I would decline things, and I don’t want to try to spice up our marriage at least. I was lacking—not just as a man—but also as a husband to her, Mavric. May mga bagay akong hindi komportableng gawin, at naaapektuhan ang mommy mo. H-Hindi niya ako tanggap,” pag-amin niya ngunit pumiyok ang tinig sa huling salita.

“Naiintindihan ko ang nararamdaman niya. She married a gay man—closeted. Kaya siguro…ang mga kulang sa akin, hinanap niya sa tunay na lalake.”

I gritted my teeth. If she loves my father, then why would she see his gender as lacking enough to be a husband to her?! My father was content! And she wasn’t!

“Your mom advises me not to come out for a while, for your sake. It was my own decision too. Imagine my father’s disappointment and my son’s fear. Lalo na’t…noong araw na ’yon, during your therapy, you were distant and you looked scared. Tuwing nilalapitan kita, pakiramdam mo hindi mo ako kilala. Hanggang sa napapansin ko, lumalaki kang malayo na ang loob sa akin.”

I shut my eyes and put my hands against the back of my head. The guilt worsened, and my hot tears fell uncontrollably on the sides.

I grew up filtering those memories that those lipsticks were for his cheating ass. I tried to forget something that’s triggering, until when Shiloh came into our group, the urge to fight back, to stay, and to defend them was too much, because I know that’s what I should have done to my father when I was a kid.

Takot na takot ako noon dahil sa school namin, may nabubully na bakla. He was the classroom’s clown. Walang araw na hindi siya tinutukso. And when I saw my own father doing the things that would put me on the spot of that kid, I was so scared. Pakiramdam ko, ako na ang magiging ganoon sa school.

And I wasn’t ready. I just think that I’d lose my father once he’s gay since he would be different from the other father.

I even pretended that I’d forgotten it because I was afraid my dad would be like them. But as I grew up, there were a lot of what-ifs. What if we supported Dad? What if I told him I’m…not scared? What if I confessed right then that I don’t understand what is happening and he just needed to assure me he’s still gonna be my father despite his choice of being a woman? What if I didn’t care about the bullies? 

“We tried it, Mavric. But I’m disappointed at myself that I couldn’t change myself for your mom. It was hard to pretend. It’s suffocating, like you were in a box for a long time. Gusto mong lumabas, pero nandoon ang takot na marami kang masasaktan, at marami kang mabibigo.”

Napayuko ako at hinawakan ang buhok, ginulo iyon ng bahagya. Nanginginig ang balikat ko at tumatakas ang mga luha habang naiisip na…ako…dahil sa akin…

All this time, I tried to think that he was the one who abandoned me. But no. It was me who abandoned him a long time ago. It was us who first abandoned him.

If…I embrace it early, will I ever get the chance to have Riri and Jester in my life? Or if…they didn’t have me, would my father not hold back just for my sake? Will my mom find someone else with whom she will not have a hard time too? And my dad…might have the courage to step out?

Mas lalong bumuhos ang emosyon ko, para nang timbang natapon dahil sa mga hikbi ko. Kahit si Dad, rinig ko ang paghingos niya.

“I have never imagined I’d be a dad because I’m…gay. Everyone thinks, if you’re gay, you would never have your own kids. You would never have your own family. But it was what I was thankful for Georgia, Mavric. She gave that to me. She made me experience those things. And that moment I had you in my arms, it felt like a different kind of life. I have set aside my worries, and I was contented. Kayo nila Riri ang pinaka magandang nangyari sa buhay ko.” Lumingon siya sa akin, may masakit na ngiti sa labi.

My childhood flashed before I saw him wear mom’s clothes. We were very close. Those go-karts, late-night drives, and basketball games we’d watch on television, and we’d both shout. I had those great times with him before I grew up distant.

“I’m…I’m sorry, d-dad…” I whispered shakily. “I’m so…sorry…” hikbi ko.

He put his hand on my shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault. I was too afraid to tell you things, to make you understand about it, that it just backfired. It worsened. And now…even your mom grew tired on me. That after the kids, she realized she could never…change me.”

Umiling ako. “That’s not…justified to cheat behind your back, dad.”

He sighed heavily. “I know, son. But…I don’t blame her because I think it’s really my fault. Because I was lacking, I…couldn’t be the husband she wants. Masakit din na…nagtitiis siya.”

This is the saddest part when people get cheated on. Pakiramdam nila, sila ang may pagkukulang. Sila ang may mali.

“What was her relationship with that motherfucker?” galit kong tanong.

“Fuck buddy.”

The intense anger just boiled over. I was pure livid. I was so disgusted that if my mom was in front of me, I’d glare at her to the core.

You tried to find a fuck buddy because your husband is lacking?! May kakayahan din si dad na maghanap pero hindi niya ginawa! It was her own choice to cheat while using my father’s sexuality as a reason for her own dirt!

“She admitted it to me out of her guilt since I smelled a man’s perfume…that’s why we finally decided to divorce. Masakit din sa akin kasi parang sampal iyon. Hindi niya na rin kaya…at gusto ko ring magpakatotoo na. She wants to…end it if I come out overseas. She advises me to start a new life, but at least to hide it from you and the kids because we were both afraid the past would repeat on Jester and Riri.”

Nakakasuklam na saka niya lamang sinuportahan ang paglabas ni dad ngayong nakahanap siya ng iba! Paano niya nasikmura?!

“You never think she was just making it as an excuse because she has dirt to cover, dad?” I hissed.

“She…actually confessed it to my parents, son. She told them she had lost her love for me, and she wants to file a divorce. Galit na galit sila sa kanya. But when my dad found…I was gay…her cheating was completely set aside. I was viewed as the main problem. They thought I pushed her to cheat because I couldn’t provide for her needs as a husband. Ridiculous, right?” He chuckled weakly.

This is so messed up. This generation would rather accept dirt—adultery—than accept homosexuality—viewed as sinful—while cheating is only easily set aside that causes trauma and a lifetime scar? Bullshit!

Kung nasa bibliya lang naman na mali ang kabaklaan, pwes nasa bibliya rin na mali ang magloko pero bakit mas kinasusuklaman ang pagiging bakla at ginagawang natural ang pagloloko? There were a lot of men and women who are not ashamed to cheat—unless they’re caught—and yet, gays—the LGBTQ community—were ashamed of embracing themselves because they knew it was viewed as a sin!

And the worst part is that cheaters weren’t sorry while committing it! They will only realize it was a mistake when they’re caught! They were enjoying doing it even in the long process, like a hidden secret, and sometimes made their way to form a family out of it after wrecking homes and inflicting pain on others! Disgusting!

Out of all the sins listed religiously, being gay would easily diminish it, as if those sins were only minors, rather than being a whole gay. People would even learn to accept cheaters, forgive them, and shame gays for a lifetime. Fucked up!

“Come out, dad… Explain to Jester and Riri. Mabilis makaintindi si Riri. Si Jester, matampuhin pero kung pinaintindi sa kanya ng maayos, at makita niyang walang mali, maiintindihan niya.”

Namula agad ang kanyang mga mata, gustong ngumiti sa akin, ngunit para siyang nadudurog na sa akin mismo nanggaling.

He sighed and nodded at me. Pinilit niyang ngumiti, ngunit umagos ang luha sa gilid ng kanyang mga mata.

“T-Thank you, Maverick…I promise I w-won’t shame you…I won’t—”

“You would never shame me. I’m sorry if it took me long, dad…” namamaos kong sabi.

Huminga siya, ngayon ay mas klaro na ang ngiti sa labi sa kabila ng mga luha niya.

“You were never too late. I could even wait for another years…” Hinawakan niya ang aking buhok at ginulo, nangingiti. “T-Thank you.”

When I went home, together with my dad and my siblings, I took a deep breath as I looked at our big house. It felt heavy, but this is it. We needed this.

Noong pumasok kami sa bahay, napatayo agad si Mommy. Her puffy eyes have told me she has been crying for how many days now.

Tahimik akong umupo sa sofa, sumunod din ang mga kapatid ko. My father encouraged my mom to calm down for a while because she seemed so emotional.

It was a sudden relapse—that moment that you completely ignored because it would wreck you tremendously if you put your whole attention on it—and yet, it’s happening again.

But this time, I was eager to fire my questions, to talk, to clarify things, and to listen.

I encouraged my siblings to give their handmade letters to my parents. Naunang tumayo si Riri, magiliw iyong ibinigay at ngumiti, habang si Jester, halos mabigat ang pag-abot sa kanila.

“We made it during Christmas,” sabi ko.

Mom and Dad curiously opened Riri’s letter. Ngumiti si Mommy at nanlalabo agad ang tingin, si Dad naman, natutuwa sa nababasa niya sa letter ni Riri.

Tumakbo si Riri sa kuwarto niya kaya hinayaan muna namin. Noong bumalik, dala niya na ang piggy bank niya.

“Mom…Dad…can you rest from working too much? Riri has lots of money. Here.” Saka niya ibinigay ang piggy bank niya.

Nanginig ang labi ni mommy na sa halip tanggapin ang piggy bank ni Riri, niyakap niya ito. Sumandal ako sa sofa at lumunok kahit umiinit na ang sulok ng mga mata ko.

Riri thought the main problem for our family was money. But no. Marami nga kaming pera, pero kumulang sa atensyon.

Meanwhile, when it was Jester’s turn, I knew that his letter was heavy. Hindi siya nagpatulong sa akin na magsulat no’n kaya wala akong ideya anong pinagsusulat niya. But to remember how angry he was, I know that he poured all of his emotion into that letter.

When they opened Jester’s letter, Mommy immediately broke down, covered her mouth shakily, and looked at Jester. Umiling siya at tumayo sabay abot sa kapatid ko.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Jest!” iyak ni Mommy at mahigpit na niyakap si Jester.

Daddy froze while his tears escaped. Malakas ang iyak ni Mommy at umiiling, sising sisi. Ang nabitiwan niyang letter ni Jester ay pinulot ko sa paanan. Magulo niya mang naisulat, ngunit mabilis iyong mabasa.

U don’t love me. I wish I’d die so you would all care. I wanna die so much. I hate my life.

Kuya is busy too, but he’s making time for me. He always makes me happy. I hate Riri sometimes because you all love her, but she would never leave me, unlike mom and dad. I hate mommy. I hate Daddy. They don’t care. Mommy is busy with her phone and her work. Daddy is not coming home because he has a new family. I wish I wasn’t born. I wish Jester would just disappear.

Hindi ko na namalayan ang luha ko. Umiiyak na si Riri at natatakot kung bakit nag-iiyakan si mommy at daddy habang pinapaligiran si Jester na malakas ang hagulhol.

“Ampon ako…” he opened up achingly. “Wala akong m-mommy at d-daddy…” nanginginig niyang banggit.

Hinawakan ni Mommy ang pisngi niya, puno ng pagsisisi ang mga mata.

“H-Hindi ka ampon, Jest… H-Hindi ka ampon… Totoo ka naming anak. K-Kamukha mo nga si daddy at si kuya mo,” pagpapaintindi ni mom, pilit na ngumingiti kahit nagbabagsakan ang malalaki niyang luha.

“K-Kung hindi ako ampon…bakit ayaw niyo sa a-akin? Wala kayo sa f-family day, w-wala si dad at kuya sa birthday ko…at si Riri lagi ang inuuna niyo… Sabi ng mga classmates ko ampon a-ako kasi wala kayo lagi,” kusot ni Jester sa mga mata niya.

“Mahal ka namin. At walang may ayaw sa’yo. M-May problema lang kami ni mommy mo…” si Dad sa nababasag niyang tinig.

“B-Babawi na si m-mommy at d-daddy, Jest. I’m so sorry, anak… Please huwag mo nang sabihin ’yon…” Mahigpit siyang niyakap ulit ni Mommy. “H-Hindi ko kakayanin, Jest. I’m sorry. P-Patawarin mo si Mommy…”

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko ngunit sa sakit ng nararamdaman ko, sa pinipiga kong dibdib, mahirap pigilan. Inakay ko si Riri lalo na’t umiyak na rin siya. Tumayo ako sa pagkakaupo sa sofa habang patuloy na pinapaintindi ni mommy at daddy kay Jester na hindi siya ampon.

They needed to hear Jester’s side para malaman nila ang epekto sa amin. Masakit man, pero kailangan nila iyong marinig kaysa maging huli ang lahat. Ngayon na inilabas niya sa letter niya, I can’t imagine what he would do if we didn’t pay attention to him more.

At hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad ko ba sila, o kahit ang sarili ko, kung may ginawa si Jester sa sarili niya dahil pakiramdam niya, nag-iisa siya.

After an hour of comforting Jester, my parents were now determined to talk about the important thing—my father’s sexuality. Nasa kandungan ni Dad si Jester na pinaupo niya ulit sa sofa, si Riri naman ang nakasandal sa dibdib ko ay pinaupo ko rin at umupo sa gitna nila.

“Riri, Jester…listen carefully to what your dad would say, okay?” si Mommy sa garalgal na tinig at pulang pula na ang ilong dahil sa kakaiyak.

Tumango si Jester at Riri. Tumingin din si mommy sa akin. Dad made a deep sigh and looked at us seriously.

“Riri…Jester…Do you know what gay is?” Dad started.

Tumango agad si Riri, si Jester naman ay kumunot pa ang noo, ngunit dahan dahan ding tumango.

“What is gay, Riri?” tanong ni Mommy.

“I think they’re just people who want to love everyone, boy or girl, without being questioned…” she answered cutely.

I am amused at how Riri has been educated about things. Alam ko rin kung sino ang nasa likod noon dahil sa dalas ng FaceTime nila noon lalo na’t madaldal itong si Riri at kuryoso sa bagay bagay.

“Ikaw Jest?” tanong ni Dad.

Jester’s brows are knit. “Bakla. Malambot na lalake. Iyakin.”

“Jest, when a boy cries, that doesn’t mean they’re gay,” pagtatama ko kaya medyo huminahon siya.

“O-Okay kuya…” he nodded.

I smiled and ruffled his hair.

“Do you hate gays?” si Dad.

Mabilis na umiling si Riri. “No! I think they’re adorable. Gay people are just people who want to enjoy life too.”

I smiled at Riri. Pero nang maalala kung saan niya iyon pinagkukuha, nagkasalubong agad ang kilay ko at nabura ang ngiti. I don’t want to remember him.

“Ikaw Jester?” si Mommy.

Jester shrugged and glanced at me. Para bang nagpapatulong pa ng sagot.

“I don’t…care,” aniya.

“So what would you feel if…” Ramdam ko ang bigat sa tinig ni Dad na kailangan niyang ipagsalikop ang mga kamay niya. I looked at him, nodded, and smiled a little to encourage him.

“D-Daddy is gay?” Daddy looked at them carefully.

Riri smiled beamingly. “Daddy, it’s okay! You can still enjoy life. It’s okay!” she said encouragingly.

Ngumiti si Mommy at nagpunas ng luha. Dad was teary-eyed as he looked so thankful. Tumayo si Riri sa sofa at niyakap ang leeg ni Dad.

“Arki told me to hug people if they said they’re gay… It’s okay, Daddy. As long as you are happy. Just be gay,” she said warmly.

Inakay ni Dad si Riri at marahang natawa, ngunit naiiyak. Tiningnan ko si Jester na mukhang pinoproseso pa rin ang dapat niyang reaksyon.

“I don’t know, kuya,” si Jester na lumingon din sa akin, nangangapa ng sagot.

“Nothing would change, Jester,” agap ni Dad. “I’d still be your father. I promise.”

Kumalma ang ekspresyon ni Jester. He glanced at me again so I smiled.

“Bro code ’yon, Jest,” sabi ko.

When my father heard it, he showed his fist. Ngumuso si Jester at dahan dahang ikinuyom ang kamao, lumingon saglit sa akin. I bumped my fist to dad so Jester would see I’m participating with dad’s promise. Kaya ginaya din iyon ni Jester at pigil ang ngiti. Riri turned her small hand into a fist and joined, which made us laugh since she had no idea what the fist was for.

Tumayo rin si Mommy at niyakap ako. I silently let her hug me without hugging her back. When she pulled away and cupped my face as I avoided her gaze, she smiled weakly.

I am still trying to make room for empathy for mom. I don’t know how I would deal with the betrayal she inflicted on me—and on my father. Though I still love her, it was hard to swallow what she did. I don’t think I could ever forgive her for that.

Ayoko ring itanong kung mahal niya ba. I don’t care what kind of feeling she had for that motherfucker, but I hope she realizes how she inflicted pain on the man’s kids too.

Pinaliwanag din nila ng maayos kay Riri at Jester ang set-up. At kung paano nila paghahatian ang oras buwan buwan.

Mabigat siya, lalo na’t karapatan ng bawat bata ang buong pamilya. But I would rather deal with a broken family—my parents choosing the right partner for them the second time—than see them suffer while trying to build a house that doesn’t feel like home anymore.

A broken family is one of the worst things the children would encounter. But for those parents who stay together despite the emotional abuse, countless adultery, and violent fights that affect their kids, it’s a kid’s nightmare.

Chapter 32

Visitor

When January hit and I found out their divorce was now completely granted, nakapangalan na sa akin ang bahay ni Dad sa Batangas. Parte iyon ng divorce nila sa paghati-hati ng ari-arian at may ibang properties si dad na ibinigay niya agad sa amin.

Kahit daw sa ari-arian, pwedeng walang makuha si mommy because of her cheating issue, pero dahil mabait si dad, at pakiramdam niya ay sobra na iyon, tanging ang bahay nalang pinangalan sa mga anak nila—sa akin. I now have the right to completely kick her out of our house, but I didn’t. Unless she shows us another traumatizing thing, I might completely cut her out of our lives.

Lalo na ngayon na may ganoong naiisip si Jester. His thoughts were shocking. At his age, he was already thinking about death like it was a natural thing to say, which bothered me so much. Pakiramdam ko talagang napabayaan siya sa iPad niya, masyado nang nagmukmok, at kung ano ano na ang naiisipan.

After what my mom did, the only thing that’s letting me let her visit my siblings is the fact that they’re too young to understand things. Riri was craving her attention. Jester was sulking that he was ignored. Kung ako lang, kaya ko. Pero para sa mga kapatid ko, ibababa ko ang pride ko at hahayaan si Mommy na bumawi man lang kahit sa kanilang dalawa nalang.

Umalis si mommy sa pinagtatrabahuan niya, which I didn’t ask for for what reason, but she wants to be a full-time mom for Jester and Riri in the meantime. She also promised she would cut off her connection to that man—which I don’t care whatever she wanted to do about it since the damage has already been done.

Kaya naman pala gawan ng paraan, pero kailangan pa talagang ipamukha ang mga pagkukulang nila.

Hindi ko na hiningi na magbabago siya, o patunayan niya sa amin ng mga kapatid ko na nagsisisi siya dahil kaya ko naman silang alagaan. Ako nalang ang aako ng responsibilidad nila kung hindi nila iyon kayang gampanan sa mga kapatid ko.

“Dude, you heard the news?” siko ni Tyler sa akin pagkatapos naming mag-enroll para sa second semester.

“Ano?”

“Hindi raw nag enroll si Tejano this sem? Chloe isn’t around too. Lumipat daw ng school?”

Lumipat?

“At may kumakalat na tsismis na pinalayas daw?”

What?

“Pinalayas?” I repeated.

“Oo, bro. I also heard his father disown him? I dunno…” he shrugged and pricked his pinky finger on his left ear.

Disown him? Pinalayas?

Biglang may umakbay sa akin. Nilingon ko si Rick na nakaangat na ang kilay. Tiningnan niya saglit si Tyler, tila ba may gusto siyang banggitin sa akin, pero dahil baka marinig ni Tyler, hindi itinuloy. And how did even Tyler get that news?

“Hindi daw mag-eenroll this sem at kinuha lang ang mga papers nila ng kapatid niya. May cut din daw sa pisngi. Anong nangyari sa lalaki mo?” kuryoso niyang tanong nang malingat si Tyler at naghagikhikan sila ni Ron sa kung sinong mga girls na pinag-usapan nila.

I shrugged. Umangat lalo ang kilay ni Rick sa akin, nanliliit ang tingin. Kung pwede sigurong sakalin niya ako, gagawin niya.

“Let’s not talk about him, Rick. Drop it,” sabi ko lalo na’t hindi ako interesado kung ano man ang balita sa kanya.

Para sa akin, hindi na namin kailangang mag-usap. Sapat na ’yung nangyari. Naliwanagan na ako sa tanging pakay niya. He wants me to see my mother’s dirt.

And what would he clarify? That he fell for me in the middle of it? As if that would even weigh. Our parents both scarred each other’s families that it was already enough as a reason that we should not meddle with each other’s lives anymore.

I already told him about my demand. Alam niya na iyon. If he’s sorry, then for what? For what his father contributed to our family? My mom did the same to their family too. Walang kailangang humingi ng tawad sa amin, kung meron man, iyon ay ang mga parents namin.

Nagfocus ako sa school. I dropped the idea of having fuck buddies and just put my whole attention on my classes and my siblings.

Around February, good news came: we were allowed to continue participating in basketball games while the ones who started the brawl were completely banned, and the case was also pursued because they were now facing multiple charges.

They deserved it after what they’ve done. Even the school that tolerated it was also investigated, and they faced some backlash and charges too. Balita ko na suspend daw ’yung principal at pinalitan ng bago—kahit iyong guidance counselor. It was a big case, and it even aired on Philippine TV. Ilang araw din iyong pinag-usapan sa social media.

At itong si Rick, dinungisan agad ang pangalan nang masugod sa guidance office sa mismong buwan ding iyon. Nasangkot sa gulo. Though it wasn’t a shock to me anymore since I’m aware of what was happening, unlike the other boys, who’re quite shocked that the tables have turned now.

It wasn’t hard to immediately go back to my usual life. Though I acknowledged our family problem now, I also slowly told my friends…about the divorce before summer hit.

“Gago? Seryoso?” Namimilog ang mga mata ni Tyler.

We were in Palawan, and we used his yacht before he planned to rent it. Nagw-wine kami saka ko nabanggit dahil nagtatanong sila kung saan magcelebrate ang parents ko sa nalalapit kong birthday.

“Yup. Since last year. It was already granted this year. Summer din ’yon noong inamin nila sa amin.” I lightly smiled.

Rick looked at me seriously. “Ayan ang sinasabi ko sa’yo, masyado kang malihim na hindi ka nagkukwento.”

“Ganyan na pala ka bigat ang dinadala mo pero mukhang wala lang sa’yo that year,” si Brent.

“Ayos naman na. Medyo nasasaktan lang ako kay Jester at Riri kasi mga bata pa at hindi nila talaga naiintindihan ’yung sitwasyon, pero bumabawi lately ang parents ko,” I explained as I properly shared it without stuttering.

“Ano bang rason ba’t naghiwalay, dude? Nagcheat ang dad mo?” Ron asked, a bit curious.

I smiled flatly. “My mom.” My voice cracked a bit, but I managed to stay composed.

“Talaga? Ang mommy mo?” parang hindi pa makapaniwala si Connor.

Nailing si Tyler, medyo disappointed. “Sinabi mo sana sa amin, Mav? Edi sana lasing tayo whole year para pag-usapan ang problema mo.”

Humalakhak ako. “That’s the main reason. I hate talking about it.”

“Communication is important, Mavric. Though we might not help to solve your family problem, at least the burden you’re carrying would be lessened,” si Brent.

“Ano nang nararamdaman mo ngayon, Maverick?” kuryosong tanong ni Shiloh.

I shrugged and licked my lips. “I’m still hurt. I blamed myself somehow. Pero tapos na eh. At suportado ko rin. Ayoko namang magtiis si dad sa ganoon. At…ayos na rin na baka makahanap sila ng talagang magmamahal sa kanila.”

“Nakakatawa ’yung generation nila. Mostly sila ’yung against sa divorce. Pero sila rin ’yung nangtotolerate na kahit paulit ulit na nagloloko ang asawa, o nambubugbog na nakikita pa ng mga anak nila, tatanggapin pa rin kasi para sa kanila, mas ayos na ’yon kaysa masira ang pamilya,” iling ni Ron.

“May iba ding case na hindi makapaghiwalay kasi sobrang mahal at hassle. Alam mo naman ang pinas, wala pang divorce. Annulment lang yata ang meron dito. Kaya kahit may ibang asawa na gustong kumawala, mas napipilitan na magtiis nalang kasi ganoon ka hirap ng proseso at malaki ang gagastusin,” si Connor.

My parents married outside the country. That’s why they were probably eager to file a divorce because it would be granted easily.

“Tingnan mo, kakatolerate nila, ’yung henerasyon natin, mostly takot sa commitments at ayaw pang mag-anak. It’s like we learned our lessons the hard way while watching our parents multiple mistakes,” si Tyler na sumandal sa steel bar ng yate.

“Kaya kahit gasgas ’yung kung ano ang puno, ganoon din ang bunga, it’s still relevant because the parents are really the core of the children’s identity. Kung bata ka pa, nakikita mo ang parents mo na nagsisigawan, you’d adopt it. Kung papa mo nambubugbog, the kids would grow up being violent too. Mama mong lasinggera, the kids who’s easily exposed to those things would eventually learn to drink at a young age. Kaya minsan, nasa parents din talaga eh…” si Ron at nilingon ang maingay na girls na nags-swimming sa ibaba.

“Though it could be reversed, Ron. It depends din. Say, your parents were only strict but they don’t drink or show violence, and you wanted to explore so bad, you joined a wrong circle who does illegal things, doon mo ’yon maaadopt. Hindi na ’yon kasalanan ng parents. It was your own choice to rebel, to try things despite how your parents taught you that those were wrong. Kaya pag nasira ang buhay mo, kaninong kasalanan ba ’yon? It’s not the parents all the time. Minsan nasa atin na rin ’yon,” si Brent.

We stop for a while to analyze Brent’s opinion since it all makes sense too. Ngumiti si Shiloh at tumingin kay Brent.

“Parents pa rin, Brent. Kasi may kakayahan silang kontrolin ang buhay ng anak nila. Say, change of environment. Ilayo sa circle niya. Gano’n,” si Tyler.

“Yup. We can say that. Ilayo sa circle. But if the kid would just choose another circle that resembled her past ones because she found comfort in those things, sa parents pa rin?” Brent countered.

“Sino ba kasi ’yang batang ’yan?! Bobo siya kung isisisi niya sa parents ang katangahan niya sa buhay,” agresibong si Rick kaya naghagalpakan kami. His temper would really get in the way.

“’Yung main point ata ay may mali man ang parents sa pagpapalaki, pero kung nagrebelde ang anak kahit alam niya na ang tama at mali, hindi na ’yon kasalanan ng parents. That’s their own choice. Kaya hindi pwedeng irason lagi na ganito o ganyan ako pinalaki. Kasi parang ginagawa mo lang na excuse ang parents mo para ijustify na hindi mo kasalanan. Naghahanap lang ng masisisi sa mga mali mong desisyon kasi ayaw mong akuin na ikaw mismo ang sumira ng buhay mo,” si Shiloh na kanina pa nakaupo sa nakaparteng mga hita ni Brent.

Tumango agad kaming lahat. S’yempre, tama ’yan lagi.

“Though may ibang cases talaga na kawawa ang mga anak. Pero may parents din na kawawa sa anak. And imagine it, dadaan tayo sa pagiging anak, at pwedeng mahulog sa pagiging parents. We always have the upper hand to change someone’s life—maybe our parents but also our kids. If our parents failed during their parenting to us, may we just cut their cycle and learn from their mistakes once we became a parent too. Gano’n lang naman ’yon. Easy as that,” sabi ko, gustong magbigay ng opinyon.

“Wow, Mavric? Marunong ka palang magsalita nang ganito?” pambabasag ni Tyler kaya natawa ako.

“Huwag nang mag-anak kung hindi kayang maging parent! Huwag ding magpakasal kung alam mong hindi ka marunong makontento,” agap ulit ni Rick sa agresibong tinig kaya nagtawanan kami ulit.

Our topic was just cut off when the girls in their bikinis climbed up the yacht to join us.

I don’t want to completely tell them that Rade’s father was involved. Binubura ko na siya sa buhay ko. I don’t wanna talk about him anymore. But I owe it to him that I could properly open up things now. This is his influence on me.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko sa kanya sa umuusad na mga araw at hindi na rin kami nagkita pa, pero minsan—lalo na pag mag-isa, napapaisip din kung talaga bang nagkagusto siya sa akin, o parte lang ’yon ng pakulo niya.

But it was genuine. Rade wasn’t the kind of person who plays tricks using deep emotions because he’s expressive. You could immediately sense that he’s serious, offended, or not interested.

But there was no day that I didn’t think of him.

I didn’t know when my anger had dissolved for him, siguro noong araw na iyon habang nag-usap usap kami tungkol sa parents at mga anak. I just can’t blame everything on him. His parent’s mistake has nothing to do with him—same in my case.

Doon yata humupa ang galit ko. Kung isisisi ko rin sa kanya kung ano man ang ginawa ng dad niya sa pamilya namin, my wrong decisions would only backfire on my life. Besides, my parents were now co-parenting, and so far, it was very different from the other years after we communicated our sides.

Si Mommy, sinisiguradong may sapat na atensyon si Jester at Riri. Si Dad naman, unti-unti nang pinapakita kay Riri at Jester kung sino siya. On his birthday, he requested to wear a dress, and we let him. Riri was so happy about it because she could now share her likes with dad.

I wonder what happened to Rade’s life?

And his father disowns him?

“Oo dude. ’Yun ang sabi ni dad,” ani Tyler nang magtanong ako dahil siya lang ang bumanggit no’n nang nasa bahay kami nila Con pagkatapos ng finals habang naglaro muna ng PlayStation.

“Dad mo?” Nilingon ko siya saglit habang titig na titig siya sa flatscreen TV at namimili ng players sa lalaruin namin.

“Oo,” wala sa sarili niyang sabi. “Gumalaw kana!”

I looked at the screen and chose a player too. Bumaling akong muli sa kanya.

“Ba’t alam ng dad mo?” balik kong tanong.

“Contructor ’yung dad niya. May construction firm sila.”

Engineering student si Rade but…I didn’t know that part. Is that the reason why he’s pursuing an engineering course? And what the hell? Is mom working on their main…what…the…hell?

“Eh contructor din si dad bukod sa malalaking business ng pamilya namin. Kaya nalaman niya since nagtanong siya kung kilala ko raw ba ang anak no’n at same school lang kami. I dunno the details, but that’s what I only heard—fuck! Gumalaw ka Mavric!” he sighed aggressively while manipulating the controller as he even elbowed me.

“And you didn’t tell me?” Iling ko at tiningnan ulit ang screen saka ko kinontrol ang player ko.

“Coz I thought you’re over with Chloe?” Lumingon siya saglit sa akin para ngumisi pero agad na ibinalik sa TV. “You said you don’t wanna talk about it anymore? Baka magalit kana naman. That traumatized the shit out of me, bro. You’re kind of scary when you’re mad.” He laughed a bit.

I licked my lips and laughed too. Oo nga naman…

“And hindi ko alam magkalaban pala sa construction firm ang parents namin. But you know, business is business. Labas naman kami doon. I’m just a student. For sure, the Tejano siblings think our parents fight on businesses has nothing to do with us too. Wala nga akong alam, for sure, wala rin sila,” aniya habang nakasentro ang buong atensyon sa laro.

No, Tyler. I think Rade took it seriously. He sees you as an enemy.

But if his father disowns him, at pinalayas…at siguro binugbog din kaya may cut sa pisngi…which means…tumigil din sa pag-aaral? I’m a bit bothered about it. That’s too much.

When summer hits, nasa Batangas nalang ako. Marami kasi kaming plano nila Riri at Jester at baka magb-beach din kami sa birthday ni Jest. We are still planning if magt-travel ba lalo na’t nagyayaya din ’yon si dad na manood kami ng live race ng F1.

“Kumusta ang amo mo? Kailan ka kukunin?” Tinitigan ko ng marahas ang motorbike niya sa garahe, tinapat ang hose sa katawan nito sa iritadong paraan.

Monthly ko siya nililinisan. Nakagawian na rin. Gusto ko sanang ibenta pero sayang din. Mahal din ang ganitong motorbike at baka balikan niya.

Tingnan nga natin kung hanggang saan kakapal ang mukha niya? Edi kunin niya dito nang masuntok ko ulit siya sa huling beses!

“Gago ka rin eh. Huwag kang magpapakita sa akin. Akala mo siguro purket umamin ako tatanggapin kita?” I scoffed when I remembered my confession before it.

Bullshit. He completely planned to hear my demand after exposing our parents because he knows I won’t even bat an eye to walk away once I find out his hidden motive! Total nakita ko na, ano pang kailangan niya sa akin? The motorbike? He thinks I would surrender this? Akin na ’to.

I would always find myself cleaning the motorbike while pouring my hatred on him, talking to it, and confessing everything I felt. Naging labasan ko pa yata ng sama ng loob.

Tumikhim si mommy. I calmed down a bit when I realized she might have heard my whinings here in the garage.

“Kay Rade ba ’yan?” she asked curiously.

Hindi naman ako matigas na tao. I easily forgive, but I easily cut off people too. And what my mom did was just so unforgivable, but there was a part of me that still respected her as my mother.

Marahan ang tango ko, magkasalubong ang kilay. She was leaning against the side of the wall behind me while she’s in her pink apron. Mukhang inilabas niya lang ang basura at inilapag muna iyon sa sahig.

Pinatay ko ang hose at kinuha ang basura para ako na mismo ang magtapon no’n. When I came back to the garage, my mom was now continuing to clean the motorbike with water.

“Ako na,” agap ko at kinuha iyon sa kanya.

“Nag-uusap pa rin ba kayo?” she asked curiously.

Nagkasalubong lalo ang kilay ko. Though I don’t want to be so open to her anymore, as I felt like she had no right to know what was happening in my life now, I tried to calm down. Ayokong pag-usapan pero may nabanggit si Tyler and I’m kind of curious.

“Hindi na. Pinalayas daw siya?”

Mommy sighed. “That’s not your fault—”

“Pinalayas siya?” I glanced at her, this time determined to clarify it.

Mommy nodded. “Hindi naman sa pinalayas. Pero ayaw umuwi kaya pinutulan ng allowance para bumalik. ’Yun lang ang alam ko since…I cut off my connection to his father during the New Year. Umalis din ako sa firm nila.”

So Tyler is really right.

“His father is my…boss… Contructor ang dad ni…Rade,” paliwanag ni mommy nang mapansin na mas nanahimik ako.

Kumulo agad ang dugo ko nang mabanggit niya ang dad ni Rade. Every time I would remember how she cheated behind my father, there was always that reserved anger I’d feel for her.

Iniwas ko ang tingin at magkasalubong ang kilay na nilinisan ang motorbike.

“Are you mad at him?” she asked.

I gritted my teeth. Mad? I am beyond rage, mom. But it had already melted down since he was the reason why I completely gave my full attention to my siblings when our family was collapsing. He knocked some sense out of me.

“D-Do you have…” she stopped in her words.

Natahimik ako habang nakatitig nalang sa motorbike. She hasn’t asked anything about that hotel incident where she saw me holding hands with a man. At ano bang gagawin namin ni Rade doon? Obviously, my mind was thinking about getting railed. Hindi ko alam na…iba pala.

I’ve dropped him since he reminds me of your past mistake, which I don’t want to remember. Gusto ko iyong sabihin pero hindi ko magawa.

My mom sighed. “I-I know what I’ve done has caused too much scar to you, Riri, and Jester…but I’m w-willing Mav…I won’t stop being a mother. I’m willing to wait for you to forgive me.”

I find it funny. Does she even have a plan to stop what she was doing if she wasn’t caught? She was just guilty because her dirt was now scattered on the floor. Pero hindi naman siya nagsisisi na ginawa niya iyon. For five years of doing it repeatedly? I don’t think so. She even used her work as an excuse that she was too busy—and yet, it was because she had something to put her attention on all this time.

Someone just parked outside our house since a car just stopped, so I curiously looked at the gate when it was Lala who opened it. We have a visitor?

“Uy Arki!” nangingiting bati ni Lala.

Holy…fuck.

Chapter 33

Accept

Why is he here? Mommy was curious that she also looked at the gate when she completely remembered the name since Riri was mentioning Arki’s name countless times.

Mabilis kong pinatay ang hose at lumapit sa gate, nagtago sa gilid, habang tinitingnan si Lala na lumingon sa akin. Umiling agad ako.

“I’m not here,” I mouthed properly, gesturing for it.

Kumunot ang noo saglit ni Lala, pilit pang inintindi, at tumingin ulit sa harap.

“Good afternoon, Lala…” Rade greeted in his usual baritone voice.

“G-Good afternoon! Si…Si Mavric ba? Ah wala dito eh!” she reasoned naturally.

“Ah hindi. I actually came here for…this…”

Hindi ako ang ipinunta? Hindi ako? At bakit hindi ako?

“Oh! Kanino ’to? Kay Riri?” nagagalak na tanong ni Lala.

“Yes. Nanganak ’yung aso namin…” he stated while Lala was now reaching for something.

Si Mavi? Babae pala ’yon?

“Sige! Ibibigay ko! Salamat…”

“Lala, papasukin mo muna,” imbita ni Mommy na naglalakad na rin patungo sa gate.

What…the…

I shook my head to let her know I didn’t wanna see him. Ngunit hindi na ako pinakinggan ni mommy at pursigido siya na papasukin kaya mabilis akong tumakbo sa pinakalikuran ng bahay para doon magtago.

Whatever my mother is planning—that she was welcoming him—is bad news to me. Though I would really appreciate it if she apologized to Rade too, which might also shock her that Arki is Rade.

Mabigat ang ginawa niya. I don’t think an apology is acceptable for what she has done. But she must be accountable for what she did, no matter how the person doesn’t want to accept it.

I stayed outside, leaning against the wall beside our big trash cans while tilting my head and getting a glimpse through our big windows to see them inside. Riri and Jester ran to him. Pinagkaguluhan nilang dalawa at nagsisigaw sa tuwa dahil sa dala niyang tuta.

Umabot sa talampakan ang natitirang galit ko. Inalis ko ang tingin at humalukipkip sa pader.

Am I too harsh if I don’t wanna see him anymore? At ano naman ang kailangan niya? I have nothing to offer now. My feelings for him completely vanished the moment I cut it off.

Though there was a hollow feeling left in me, I’m not sure if…I could still accept it—Teka lang? Dumalaw lang naman. At hindi ako ang sinadya, ah? Kaya bakit ako nagdadrama rito na akala mo luluhuran niya ako at magmamakaawang tanggapin ko ulit?

Ginulo ko ang buhok at napayuko. Badtrip. Nakakangalay maghintay! Baka magiging kaamoy ko na itong basurahan saka sila matatapos! At bakit ba ako ang nagtatago rito? Para namang ako ang may kasalanan.

O baka nga maghintay pa ’yan hanggang magdamag para makita ako! Pwes patigasan kami. Hinding hindi ako magpapakita.

I don’t know how Rade feels that he got brave enough to come here and show himself to the woman who wrecked their family. Dahil ako, hinding hindi ako magpapakita sa bahay nila. Why would I even do that? For what? Masusuntok ko lang ang dad niya.

But he completely showed up. Or maybe he was the kind of person who doesn’t break his promise, which is why he forced himself and brought the puppy he promised to Riri. O baka nga…ginawa niya lang ’yang rason para makita ako.

Naghimutok ako sa gilid ng basurahan at tumayo ulit para silipin sila. I’ve seen the controlled rage in Rade’s face while my mother talks to him on the sofa in her apologetic face.

Lumabas si Lala na may dalang basura. Kinuha ko iyon sa kanya habang sumisilip pa si Lala sa malaking bintana namin.

“Nag-away kayo ni Arki, Mav?” tanong niya.

Hindi ko iyon sinagot. Ngumisi si Lala at hinampas ako sa braso.

“Gumwapo lalo ang kaibigan mo! Saan galing? Nag-ibang bansa ba ’yan? Ngayon lang ulit pumunta dito ah? Ang bango bango niya pa!”

That’s what I noticed too. He was in his usual get-up, gray long-sleeve shirt that rolled till his arms while a necklace hung loosely around his neck, jeans, and shoes. Nakaatras ang buhok at hindi suot ang salamin, halatang alam niyang sobrang guwapo niya pag ganoon ang ayos niya. Sinadya niya talaga ’yan dahil alam niyang galit ako.

At akala niya naman matatablan ako sa paganyan ganyan niya?

“Ano bang pinag-uusapan nila?” tanong ko at ibinulsa ang mga kamay.

“Hindi ko masyadong narinig. Gusto mo bang pakinggan ko?” si Lala na determinado.“Teka…” nagmadali siyang bumalik sa loob.

I was clueless about what she was planning, but when she showed up in front of them and put a tray for some snacks, I wanted to laugh.

Ilang minuto lang, lumabas si Lala, may isang basurahan ulit na dinala. Kinuha ko iyon para ilagay sa loob total mas malapit ako.

“Ang narinig ko…marami daw babae ’yung dad ni Arki. At naapektuhan daw lagi ang kapatid niyang babae kaya si Arki ang gumagawa lagi ng paraan. Nag-oopen up yata ’yung kaibigan mo sa mommy mo.”

“Huwag mo lang ipagkukwento sa labas ng bahay, Lala. Baka kasi maiba at marinig nila Jester at Riri,” sabi ko.

This is our family problem that shouldn’t be announced outside the house for others’ entertainment to make a comment about our family. Ayoko na pag lumabas kami, kung sino sino nalang ang magtatanong at sa harap pa talaga ng mga kapatid ko.

Lala went back inside the house, and now she’s using the vacuum near them just to eavesdrop.

“Humihingi ng tawad si ma’am. Naiiyak,” ani Lala nang bumalik ulit at may dalang basura na wala masyadong laman, ngunit tinatapon niya na.

If I were Rade, I don’t think I could accept her apology since she caused so much pain to their family. I fully understand now why Chloe seemed so judgmental toward boys who reminded her of her father. Though I am not a cheater myself, with my countless rumors with girls, including my circle—especially Brent—it probably reminds her of her cheating father.

When Rade left after two hours of talking to my mother, I went inside casually. Hindi pala talaga ako ang sadya? Kahit hindi na ako galit sa kanya, parang kumulo ang dugo ko. Hindi man lang naghintay? Pero kahit gabihin katabi ang basurahan, hindi rin naman ako papasok.

Gusto kong magtanong kay mom, pero may parte sa akin ang nandidiri na marinig kung ano man ang mga sasabihin niya.

“Kuya look!” Halos malawak ang ngiti ni Riri nang kargahin ang tuta na kamukhang kamukha noong aso nilang si Mavi.

“We have a puppy, kuya!” si Jester na tuwang tuwa rin. “Kuya Arki gave it!”

Humagikhik si Riri nang dilaan ang kanyang pisngi.

“We should name him!” ani Jester.

“Doggy!” agap ni Riri. “Doggy!”

“Chiki!” si Jester. “Let’s call him Chiki, Riri!”

“Okay Chiki!” Riri nodded cutely.

Tumingin si Mommy sa akin. Naglakad ako sa kusina para makapaghugas ng kamay. Sumunod si mommy dala ang tray, ngunit palingon lingon sa akin.

“Arki is…Rade?” kumpirma niya.

Marahan ang tango ko, hindi na lumingon pa.

Sumandal siya sa sink at naninimbang ang tingin sa akin.

“I wasn’t the reason why their mother left them, Mavric,” she explained.

Nagkasalubong ang kilay ko. That wouldn’t change anything that she’s committed to my father, and she was one of that motherfucker’s multiple women!

“Kilalang babaero ang dad niya kasi mapera. May itsura rin at may tindig. Most of his clients were offering big projects just to…” she looked at me carefully.

Disgusting! I wanted to fire offensive words at my mom that she was so filthy for stooping that low because of the looks, money, or whatever that motherfucker could offer in bed that she committed adultery to her loving husband! Kung may nagpipigil lang, siguro ay ang katiting na pinanghahawakan kong kontrolin ang emosyon ko lalo na’t nandito ang mga kapatid ko.

“Nakausap mo ba ’yung babaeng anak, Mom? Because I tried to pursue Rade’s sister,” giit ko.

Namilog ang mga mata niya.

“Hindi kami nagwork-out dahil malala ang trust issue ni Chloe.”

“Yes, si Chloe… that kid…” Hinawakan niya ang ulo niya, tila ba naaalala ito. “Mailap siya lagi. Nang-iirap at maldita kaya pag b-bumibisita ako noon dahil may project kaming ididiscuss, iyon ang hindi namamansin at supladang suplada.”

Of course, mom. If I were her, I’d do the same thing!

“Bumibisita ka sa bahay nila?” My tone slightly turned aggressive.

“N-Noon. ’Yung…nagdidiscuss lang ng projects. Wala akong ibang ginagawa sa bahay nila.” Kabado niyang paliwanag.

Nailing ako dahil hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang paniwalaan na projects lang. I can’t believe she really stooped this low! Nakakahiya!

“Mav—”

At tila ba napaso nang tabigin ko ang kamay niya, lumunok siya at binawi agad ang kamay. Nailing ako, naalala na naman ang lahat lahat, na kusa nalang akong umalis sa harap niya.

“I can’t swallow it, mom. I don’t think I’d even heal from this,” sabi ko at umalis doon.

If only she knew how scarred Chloe was! Kahit ako ay napagbuntunan! Sobrang laki ng galit kay Brent, sa mga kaibigan ko, na wala siyang ibang bukambibig kundi gaano kasahol ang pagiging babaero namin. Those glares from Chloe could even kill like a gun loaded with hatred. Noon, inintindi ko iyon dahil totoo din naman na babaero kami. Pero ngayong nalaman ko ang ugat, I felt sorry for what she had been through with that cheating father she had, which caused too much impact on her.

And Rade carried everything so well. He sheltered Chloe, cut my mom’s cycle through exposing her to me, and even knocked some senses out of me. Because if I were in his position, I would not even care who my mother was seeing and just wish them a place in hell.

Padarag akong nahiga sa kama at tumitig sa ceiling. Mabigat ang loob ko. Hindi ko na rin alam ano pang mararamdaman ko. Their father was cheating countless times? At pumupunta pa sa bahay nila? Son of a bitch!

Doon lamang ako kumalma nang sunod sunod ang yabag ng mga paa hanggang sa bumukas ang pinto at nagtakbuhan ang mga kapatid ko.

Naghahagikgikan si Jester at Riri na dinala ang tuta sa second floor ng bahay. Tumatawa pa si Riri nang tingnan ako ngunit nang makita ang mga mata ko, napawi ang ngiti.

“Kuya?” she called, and she walked to me concernedly. “Are you crying?”

Inakay ni Jester ang tuta at naglakad din sa akin, kuryoso. Bumangon ako at naupo sa dulo ng kama, ngumiti sa kanila habang hinahawakan ang kamay ng tuta.

“What’s wrong, kuya? Nag-away ulit kayo ni mommy?” Jester asked.

Umiling agad ako. “Hindi naman. May naalala lang.”

Umupo si Riri sa gilid ko. Umupo rin si Jester sa kabila at pinakawalan ang tuta na ngayon ay tumakbo takbo sa paligid ng aking kuwarto at nginatngat agad ang indoor slipper na hinayaan ko na.

“What is it, kuya? We’ll listen,” ani Riri sa marahang tinig.

Tahimik si Jester na nakatingin sa akin. Their innocent eyes would always comfort me. Pumangalumbaba ako at hinawakan ang aking buhok.

“I’m just…” I nibbled my lower lip. “Disappointed.”

“Disappointed? With Kuya Arki?” hula ni Jester.

Kumunot ang noo ko kung bakit akala niya dahil kay Rade.

“I saw you hiding near the trash can, Kuya. Are you avoiding Kuya Arki?” tanong ni Jester.

“Kuya is hiding?” takang tanong ni Riri.

Hinaplos ko ang batok ko.

“Nag-away kayo ni Kuya Arki?” kuryosong tanong ni Jester.

“You didn’t talk to Arki. What did he do? Do you want me to tell him Kuya is angry so he can apologize?” si Riri.

Umiling agad ako. “I just need my space, Riri. I need to think.”

“Kuya Arki is your boyfriend, right?” ani Jester na ikinalaglag ng panga ko.

“Yes! Arki is Kuya’s boyfriend!” Tumatangong si Riri.

“Riri meant a literal boy friend, Jest,” paliwanag ko, dahil parang iba ang pagkakaintindi niya.

“Yes! Boyfriend!” tango ulit ni Riri.

“But you like Kuya Arki. And Kuya Arki likes you too,” siguradong sabi ni Jester.

Good Lord. All this time, Jester thinks Rade and I were…in a relationship?

“Kuya Arki would smile when looking at you. He doesn’t smile like that,” he added.

I want to take Jester’s opinion in a childish way, but I know it’s a bullseye. I developed romantic feelings for Rade in the past. But I didn’t know Jester noticed Rade’s feelings for me. He must be so attentive to Rade that he has seen some difference in the way he…smiles at me?

Mommy:

Mav. You’re still asleep. But I have a business trip for two weeks in Mindanao. I’ll call from time to time. I love you.

Business trip? Magtatrabaho na siya ulit? O may tinanggap lang na project? At business trip ba talaga? I sighed and just let her do whatever she wanted as long as she would call my siblings from time to time.

Lumabas din ako sa kuwarto. I yawned early in the morning and scratched my stomach while walking downstairs. Puyat na puyat ako kagabi kakaisip ng kung ano-ano.

“Morning,” marahang bati ng kung sino.

Natigilan ako nang makita si Rade na nakaupo sa sofa, bihis na bihis, bagong ligo, nakaputing shirt na nakarolyo ulit hanggang siko niya habang nakatingin sa akin. Oh, fuck it! Sa halip na bumaba, tumalikod ako at deri-deritso ang balik paakyat. Tang ina!

Ba’t siya nandito? Ano? Hindi pa tapos ang pag-uusap nila ni Mommy kaya bumalik siya? But mom wasn’t here. Sino ang binisita niya kung gano’n? His motorbike? The puppy? My siblings? O si…baka naman si Lala?

Humalukipkip ako at sumandal sa pinto ng kuwarto ko. Pinalayas ba ’yon? Ba’t hindi mukhang kawawa? He seemed so fresh and…Tumikhim ako sa naiisip ko. If Rick were here, he’d probably tease me to the core and laugh at me. Kabadingan lang ’to.

Naglakad ako sa banyo at tiningnan ang itsura sa salamin. Inayos ko ang magulo kong buhok at naghilamos. Though I’m not planning to come out. Why would I? Baka naman si Lala ang binisita. At nasa akin ang susi ng motorbike. Hindi niya ’yon magagalaw.

I could hear my siblings giggle. Nagtatakbuhan na naman yata at nakikipaglaro kay Chiki. I checked my watch to see what time it was. Past Nine. My stomach growled, and I grunted. Gutom na ako!

I typed a text for Lala.

Mavric:

Lala. Pakihatid naman ng pagkain dito sa kwarto ko. I’m sick.

Tang inang sick. Nalumpo na ba at hindi makabangon? At anong sakit ko? Kabadingan?

Still, I waited for Lala. Nagmuni muni ako sa loob ng kuwarto at walang magawa. Wala pa namang internet dito dahil ayokong nag i-iPad si Jester. Though he wasn’t playing on his iPad anymore since the day I stayed here at home, he would rather play with me.

May kumatok. Thank fucking God!

Mabilis ko iyong binuksan. When I saw Rade holding the tray where my food was, I froze a bit.

Itinagilid niya ang ulo niya para mas dungawin ako sa kaonting siwang ng pinto.

“You’re sick?” Angat ng kilay niya.

Akala niya siguro natutuwa ako sa kanya? But when I smelled a familiar scent, like mine, I immediately remembered the perfume I bought in Cebu for my peace offering. He was using it.

“Here.” Bigay niya sa tray.

I took it quietly and closed the door without uttering anything. He thinks I would talk to him?

Inilock ko ang pinto at nilagay ang tray sa bedside table. I groaned and tossed myself on the bed as I could hear the silent scream of frustration roaring in my head.

Gusto kong makipagsuntukan sa kanya. Pero humupa na ang galit ko. At ang pangit no’n pag nakita nila Jester at Riri. Isa pa…sayang din ang itsura niya.

Kung noong Enero siya nagpakita sa akin, masusuntok ko siya. Pero anong petsa na? Halos kalahati na ng taon. Late na siya. Naka move-on na rin ako.

Ilang sandali lang, kinain ko rin ang dinalang pagkain at kinagat ang isang apple habang magkasalubong ang kilay ko. Uuwi na siguro ’yan maya maya. Hinding hindi ako lalabas dito.

Pagkatapos kong kumain, nauhaw naman ako. I took my phone and typed a text for Lala.

Mavric:

Lala, tubig please.

I checked my face in the mirror and fixed my disheveled hair again. I also sprayed a perfume just in case.

Noong may kumatok, binuksan ko agad at sumilip. Ngunit bumaba ang tingin ko nang si Riri ang nandoon.

“Kuya, here. Are you sick? Lala said drink your medicine. Come here, Kuya. I’m gonna check your forehead,” aniya habang inaabot ako.

Yumuko ako at hinayaan siyang haplusin ang leeg ko. She was analyzing it while nodding.

“Kuya, rest, okay? I’ll tell Arki you can’t come down since you’re sick. Just stay here in your room, okay?”

“What is Arki doing downstairs, Riri?” tanong ko nang tinanggap ang tumbler na hawak niya.

“He is talking to Lala.”

Ah…Edi si Lala ang sadya niya? Hindi ako?

At bakit si Riri ang naghatid ng tubig? Kanina siya ang umakyat ah?

Nagmukmok ulit ako sa kuwarto. Parang totoo na yatang lalagnatin ako kakahiga ko. I checked the time, and it was now almost eleven. I felt like I’m in a lockdown with no internet and no one to talk to.

Kung nandoon pa rin siya sa ibaba, baka si Lala talaga ang binisita? Kasi kung ako ’yang binisita niya, aakyat siya dito, at susuyuin ako. Pero hindi. Nandoon sa ibaba at si Lala ang kinakausap. Iyon ang sinusuyo.

Whatever pushes me to come out is probably my boredom inside my room. Nahanap ko agad si Rade sa sofa, nakaupo at kinakausap ni Lala na ngiting ngiti. Rade looked at me. Namulsa ako at nag-iwas ng tingin.

“Oh Mav? Ayos kana? Nakainom kana ng gamot? Ba’t topless ka? Baka lamigin ka!” Tumayo si Lala at nilapitan ako.

“Nawala din ang lagnat ko, Lala. At naiinitan din,” rason ko eh totoo naman na naiinitan.

Lumapit si Lala at nilagay ang kamay sa noo ko. Nahuli ko ang tingin ni Rade sa akin, nakaangat pa ang kilay at titig na titig sa katawan ko. You think I didn’t go to the gym too?

“O siya! Maiwan ko na kayo. Riri! Jester! Halika na! It’s time for bath na!” tawag ni Lala.

Ilang sandali lang, nagsulputan ang mga kapatid kong naghahagikhikan galing sa labas habang hinahabol ni Chiki. Nagtungo ako sa fridge at binuksan iyon kahit hindi ko alam ano ang kukunin ko.

When we were completely left alone, I side-eyed Rade, who’s still on the sofa, still checking me out. Binawi ko ang tingin at patuloy na uminom ng tubig. Ako talaga ang sadya niya dito.

“You’re gonna spend your entire summer here in Batangas?” tanong niya.

I shrugged and didn’t answer him. Why? You wanna spend your summer with me? And where did you get that confidence? You think I’d accept you?

Though I don’t feel any intense anger for him anymore, unlike those early months when I found out my mother’s dirt with his father, there is now a distance I feel for him. I could even ignore him, like I didn’t know who he was. Easy.

Chapter 34

Shoot

Kay Riri ako nakipaglaro nang matapos silang maligo. Si Rade, niyaya ni Jester maglaro ng video games. At dahil sa pagpeke ko ng lagnat ko, nakaupo na ako sa pink na upuan ni Riri habang chinicheck niya ako gamit ang laruan niyang stethoscope.

Rade side-eyed us and smirked a little while holding the controller, and Jester was shouting and playing enthusiastically with him. If only I could punch him.

“Kuya inhale…” si Riri na nakatayo sa harap ko, ang maliit kong nurse.

I inhaled while she inhaled too, holding her breath for a while.

“Okay! You are healthy, kuya!” She nodded and pulled her stethoscope out of her ears.

“Walang exhale, nurse? Kawawa ang pasyente sa’yo, Riri,” reklamo ko.

“Okay exhale!” She giggled when she remembered it.

Tumawa rin ako kaso nang mahuling tumingin ulit si Rade, agad napawi. You think I’d let you see my dimple? Never again.

“Wala ka bang reseta sa ka…” kabadingan… “kaonting lagnat na ’to, nurse? Baka gumaling pa ako,” sabi ko habang yumuyuko na si Riri at ibinabalik sa box ang stethoscope niya.

“What is resesa?” tanong niya, halos nabaluktot pa ang tagalog.

“Reseta, Riri. Medicine,” turo ko.

“Drink lots of water and let your loved ones hug you to lessen your fever. When I have a fever, dad and mom just hug me, and then it disappears, kuya.”

Malamang umiinom ka ng gamot. Itong akin. Hindi yata gamot ang kailangan ko.

Lumingon ulit si Rade, nakaangat ang kilay. Nakakailang sulyap na ah? Halatang halata talaga kung sino ang uhaw dito.

“Meryenda muna!” anunsyo ni Lala kaya nagsitakbuhan ang mga kapatid ko doon sa kitchen sink habang may hinatid si Lala na tray sa table ni Rade.

“Thanks Lala,” he said and smiled a little.

Malawak agad ang ngiti ni Lala. “You’re welcome.”

Sabi ni Jest, sa akin lang daw ngumingiti. He’s a scam, then. Ngumingiti naman sa ibang babae. I remembered how he would smile while talking to Verena too.

So what’s special when it comes to me? Maybe Jester just misinterpreted things. Hindi niya rin kasi nakikitang ngumiti pero ngumingiti naman ’yan.

I lost interest in staying in the living room, so I went back to my room again without even eating a snack. Paano kakain kung nakakawalang gana?

D-in-isarranged ko ulit ’yung mga natupi ko na at nagpasyang ihanger—kahit nakahanger din sila noong una at tinupi ko lang sa boredom.

This is ridiculous. Ano bang pinaggagawa ko? I could really name this as sulking. Kung may pintura lang na nakatambak sa garahe, baka kahit ’yon ay patulan ko na at pininturahan ang kuwarto ko nang may magawa naman.

Someone knocked. Hinintay ko saglit na tawagin ako sa labas lalo na’t ganoon si Lala. Kung ang mga kapatid ko, kakatok nga, pero deritso bukas ng pinto at magtatakbuhan papasok. So…

The fucker. At anong kailangan niya?

I scoffed while looking at the door cockily. You missed me? You wanna see my face? Ilang minuto lang akong nawala sa paningin mo…

Lumaki ang ngiti ko ngunit nang mapagtantong nag-eenjoy ako, mabilis akong nagseryoso. As I said, I have already moved on. Hindi ko siya papansinin. Ngayon niya matitikman gaano ako katigas. Mahirap akong suyuin. Mga babae nga noon kina cut-off ko agad. Siya pa kaya?

When he didn’t knock anymore, I rolled my eyes. If I were him, I’d knock again until they opened it. Hindi persistent. Tss. No wonder he never got a girlfriend because he has no patience. Hindi naman dapat natatapos ang panunuyo kung talagang interesadong-interesado siyang makausap ang isang tao.

Not that I wanna see him make efforts for me—say he could climb up the window of my room and kneel for my attention—pero kung katok nalang ang pag-asa niya para pagbuksan ng pinto at makausap ako, bakit siya hihinto? Which means he wasn’t that serious.

Baka excited siyang bumaba dahil mas nandoon ang interes niya. Wala rito. Kasi kung…nandito sa itaas ang mas nagpapainteres sa kanya, kahit siguro magka varicose kakatayo kakatok, hindi siya aalis doon.

Kung ako. Para sa akin lang naman at may sinusuyo ako at seryosong seryoso ako. Pero sa case niya, may galit sa kanya, at alam niyang hindi na siya papansinin habangbuhay, mag-eeffort dapat siya.

I boredly threw myself on the bed and ruffled my hair. Gago naman. Pag kakatok ulit siya, bubuksan ko total…boring.

I looked at the door again, just waiting for the signal. Tss. Tang ina niya. ’Yun na ’yon? Isang katok lang, titigil na agad? Wala pala siya. Kung ako sa kanya, umuwi nalang siya dahil nagsasayang siya ng oras dito at huwag na siyang bumalik—Mabilis ang tayo ko nang kumatok ulit!

I cleared my throat and wore a bored-snobbish expression as I opened the door so he would see I’m less interested in seeing him.

Noong bumungad siya, may tray na dala at meryenda, tiningnan ko iyon nang walang interes. Tang inang ’to. Para naman akong preso na dinadalaw kasi hindi makalabas. Mabuti pa nga ang preso may kasama! Ako mag-isa!

“You might be hungry. You didn’t eat your snacks,” ani Rade sa marahang tinig at inabot iyon.

Ipinagsalubong ko ang kilay ko para angasan siya at magmukha akong wala sa mood—kasi wala naman talaga ako sa mood. Magmumumokmok ba ako sa kuwarto kung hindi?

Inabot ko lang iyon habang titig na titig siya sa akin. He tilted his head again, amused that I’m this persistent to act cold and snobbish in front of him.

“You’re still sick? Do you want a hug? I might help your nonexistent fever to go down,” he taunted, a little smile was almost kissing his lips.

Hug my ass. Yakapin niya ang sarili niya. Isinara ko agad ang pinto nang hindi umiimik. Ano ako, isip-bata? Yayakapin lang magiging maayos agad? At anong nonexistent eh parang patungo na yata sa lagnat itong pagmumukmok ko sa kuwarto.

Kumatok siya ulit makaraan ang ilang minuto na hindi ko na binuksan dahil baka isipin niya…easy to get ako. But minutes later, I started waiting for him to knock again. Para naman hindi ako mukhang sabik kung pagbubuksan ko agad siya ng pinto.

When I got bored, I finally decided to come out—still topless—while I brought the tray. Ngunit pagbaba ko, wala nang bahid ni Rade.

“Uy umalis na! Sinabi niya lang sa akin na baka bumalik siya bukas,” ani Lala nang mapansin niyang tumingin ako sa sofa at wala siya roon.

Umalis na? Hindi man lang nagpaalam? But how would he say goodbye if I didn’t open the door for him?

Bahala siya. I hope my actions are clear. I don’t want to see him. Pero kung babalik siya…magkukulong lang ulit ako sa kwarto o hindi ko siya kakausapin.

Which I really did on the next few days when he showed up again.

It wasn’t the first time he visited. Nakasanayan na rin nila Riri at Jester na dumadalaw siya sa tatlong beses o apat sa isang linggo, o araw araw.

Minsan, nagkukulong ako sa kuwarto. Minsan, bumababa pero hindi ko siya pinapansin. Sa ilang beses niyang pagpunta rito, hindi ko pa siya iniimikan, o kahit titingnan man lang. Kahit ngumiti ayoko dahil ayokong makita niya ang dimple ko. Hindi rin naman ako kinukulit. Hindi rin namimilit makipag-usap.

Kakakulong ko sa kuwarto, kung ano ano na ang pinaggagawa ko. Nalinis ko na ang mga hindi naman dapat kailangang linisan. Natupi ang mga damit na naka hanger lang sana. At nakita ko pa ’yung mga gamit kong nawawala kakamukmok sa kuwarto.

I don’t know what he was really up to, but I noticed he was trying to reach out by visiting us from time to time, playing with my siblings, and bringing food. Kulang nalang magdala ng bulaklak.

Nanliligaw? I wanted to laugh. At sinong nililigawan mo? Si Lala? Eh si Lala lang naman ang babae rito na nasa twenties na. Imposible namang ako? I’m straight.

“Baka crush ka, Lala?” hirit ko nang matanong ni Lala kung nag-away daw ba kami. “Kaya siguro pabalik balik dito kasi liligawan ka?” Asar ko.

Humalakhak si Lala. “Ay naku, Mav! Ang guwapo guwapo no’n! Imposible!” Ngunit namumula siya.

“Bakit? Maganda ka naman ah?” puna ko.

“Naku! Madungis nga ako! Katulong lang! Hindi kami bagay!”

“Katulong lang?” I laughed. “You’re too much, Lala. You’re now a family to us. At hindi lang ang pagiging katulong. That’s not light work. You took care of us while my parents are away. Don’t underestimate yourself.”

Bumaba ang balikat ni Lala at ngiting ngiti sa akin.

“Ang punto ko, bagay kay Arki ’yung mga modelong babae sa TV o kahit nga Hollywood models!”

Ako ang tipo no’n. I wanted to shamelessly say that, but maybe his types were now women? Women, my ass. Tumingin nga ’yun sa katawan ko. Malagkit. Ako pa rin siguro. Wala sigurong nahanap na pamalit sa akin. Malas niya. Nag-iisa lang ako sa mundo.

“Pero bagay din siya sa mga ano…” Nag-iwas ng tingin si Lala sa akin. “’Yung mga poging lalake. ’Yung may dimple tapos…medyo kulot ang buhok?”

Napaangat ang kilay ko. She was trying to focus her whole attention on what she was doing, but I could sense that those were meant for me. Sino pa bang gwapo dito na kulot ang buhok at may dimple? Ako lang naman.

Though she doesn’t want to completely ask me about my sexuality, or maybe she had an idea and noticed how Rade was extending her effort to come here, I could sense she might have thought there was something going on between me and Rade.

“Ano ba kasing pinag-awayan niyo?” kuryoso niyang tanong. “Halata namang ikaw ang binisita, Mav. Ikaw ang sadya.”

Ngumuso ako at sumandal sa inuupuan ko habang pinapanood siyang nagluluto. Gusto kong tumulong pero sabi niya, kaya niya na daw.

“Kausapin mo na. Medyo kawawa rin. Galing pa pala ’yon sa trabaho. Tapos pumupunta dito,” kuwento niya na ikinaangat ng kilay ko.

He’s working? Umalis siya sa bahay nila at pinutulan daw ng allowance. Which means he was trying to find a way to earn money?

“Anong trabaho niya?” kuryoso kong tanong.

“Hindi niya nabanggit. Ewan ko nga kung trabaho ba o may business siya. Pero graduating din pala siya. Parehas kayo.” Ngumiti siya, palingon lingon sa akin sa kabila ng pagiging abala sa ginagawa.

I boredly rested my elbows on the table. Their father is a complete asshole. He disowns his son for exposing his cheating ass and cuts off his financial support because Rade cleans his own dirt? What a load of bullshit! ’Yan ang mga ama na masarap layasan at ikahiya.

But then, I feel bad for Rade. He’s smart. Sobrang mahal pa naman ng tuition fee ng kurso niya. Kaya ba umalis siya sa school? Did he stop? Or did he continue his second semester and just try to find a university that wasn’t too expensive?

I went out that night for a while to buy a strawberry cake for Riri since she was requesting it. Nilakad ko lang para makapagjogging din total tulog na ang dalawa at hindi ako hahanapin.

Nang makita ko ang land cruiser na naka park sa harap ng bahay namin, si Rade na nakasandal sa ulo ng sasakyan habang nakahalukipkip, medyo inaantok, mabilis akong napasiksik sa halamanan para magtago. Tang ina! Kinagat pa ako ng langgam!

He yawned and opened his eyes sleepily, checking the surroundings. Tiningnan niya ang pulso para icheck ang oras at nanatili sa kinatatayuan.

Humikab din ako at napatingin sa relo ko. When the droplets of rain started pouring, doon siya nagpasyang pumasok sa driver’s seat. Hinintay ko pang umalis saka ako tumayo at nagtatakbo papasok. Tang inang kabadingan ’to. Magkakasakit pa yata ako.

“Oh! Mav! Hinihintay ka ni Arki sa labas! Papasukin mo na muna kaya! Kanina pa ’yon eh. Dalawang oras na yatang naghintay,” nag-aalalang sabi ni Lala nang pumasok ako at inabutan niya agad ng tuwalya.

“Umalis na, Lala,” sabi ko habang nagpupunas at ibinigay sa kanya ang cake na gusto ni Riri.

Lala looked at me worriedly. “Maulan pa naman…”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and went to my room so she would know I’m not interested or I don’t care, whatever she was thinking about what…would happen to Rade. Hindi ko naman ’yon pinipilit na pumunta dito. At nakikita niyang ayaw ko siyang kausapin pero balik nang balik. Ano pang pinupunta niya?

Nagpalakad lakad ako sa kuwarto, tinitingnan kung humupa na ba ang ulan. Sobrang init naman sana tuwing tanghali.

Ilang sandali lang, nagmamadaling umakyat si Lala. “Mav! Nasa landline ’yung mommy mo, tumatawag.”

Curious about it, I went downstairs to answer her call.

“Mavric?” she called worriedly.

“Yes mom?”

Mahaba ang buntonghininga niya. “Akala ko lumabas ka. May nakaabot sa akin na balita na may nabangga raw sa may bandang—”

Shit. I didn’t let her finish her words and ran upstairs as I took the key and went to the garage.

“Mav! Habilin ng mommy mo huwag ka daw lumabas!” si Lala na nag-aalala nang binuksan ang gate.

“May titingnan lang ako, Lala,” sabi ko, handa nang paharurutin ang kotse habang hinihintay siyang buksan iyon.

Though I don’t wanna talk to him or I don’t like seeing him, getting into an accident is another thing! That fucker knows it’s raining and he’s sleepy, yet he still drives!

Humuhupa na ang ulan at tanaw ko sa dulo na may pinagkakaguluhan. Nagkakaroon na ng traffic kaya kailangan ko pang ihinto sa gilid ang kotse at tumakbo nalang doon dahil hindi gumagalaw ang traffic!

Sumiksik ako sa pinagkakaguluhan. Wasak ang harap ng BMW at mukhang nabangga sa isa pang kotse. Mabilis ang hataw ng dibdib ko at gustong lapitan ang nilalagay sa stretcher na lalake nang may maamoy akong pamilyar sa likod ko.

“Evander,” pamilyar na tawag ng baritonong boses ni Rade na naramdaman ko ang pagtayo niya sa likod ko.

Mabilis ang lingon ko. Nang makitang si Rade nga, walang galos at kunot-noong nakatingin sa akin, unti-unting bumaba ang kaba ko.

This is ridiculous! Why did I think it would be him? I know he’s responsible. He won’t drive recklessly! Nailing ako at naglakad na pabalik sa kotse ko lalo na’t nakakahiyang sumugod sugod pa ako rito at nakatsinelas pa. Baka ako pa ang damputin ng mga pulis na nandito at naiwan ko pa ang lisensya ko.

Hinawakan niya ang braso ko. Sa iritasyon ko, tinabig ko iyon. He was slightly shocked, but the amusement on his face was there while he slightly stifled his smile, his intense eyes looked sparkling.

“You thought I got into a car accident?” he asked tauntingly.

Nailing ako at gustong suntukin ang mukha niya kung anong ngini-ngiti ngiti niya dito. I was fucking worried that he might have put himself in danger or whatever!

I stopped when I realized he’s just gonna drive home with his sleepy ass.

“Sa bahay,” I ordered, and went back straight to my car.

Pagkapasok ko, tiningnan ko ang salamin para tingnan kung sumunod ba. And he fucking did. I calmed down and started driving back to the house while he was tailing behind me. Top my ass. Look who’s in charge here.

At nagmamalasakit lang ako dito. I’m not planning to take him back or whatever he might think about this. As if I could even swallow the truth that his father was my mother’s fuck buddy. Disgusting!

Binuksan ulit ni Lala ang gate nang bumusina ako. Nauna akong pumasok at dumeritso sa garahe. Sumunod ang Land Cruiser ni Rade at nagpark lang sa parking space namin.

Lumabas ako ng kotse ganoon din siya. Tiningnan ko siya saglit ngunit dumeritso din ako sa loob. Pigil ang ngiti ni Lala, gustong mang-asar, pero dahil nakita niyang seryoso ako, tahimik lang na tumingin.

“Lala, pakiasikaso ’yung bisita at huwag mong palabasin,” sabi ko.

“Sige, Mav!” magiliw na sabi ni Lala. “Halika, Arki…nag dinner kana ba? Tulog na kasi sila Jester at Riri…Uh dito ka ba matutulog?” rinig ko ang pag-asikaso niya kay Rade.

Dumeritso ako sa kwarto at medyo nahimasmasan din naman sa naramdaman kong kaba. Ako pa ang makokonsensya dito kung anong nangyari sa kanya sa daan!

I took a cold shower to completely calm myself down. May guest room naman kami kaya pwede siyang matulog doon. If he’s too busy and tired of work, he should have just stayed wherever he was instead of traveling here in Batangas.

Saktong nagtapis ako ng tuwalya sa may baywang nang may kumatok. Naglakad ako doon at binuksan iyon. Nahanap ko agad si Rade na nakahalukipkip at nakasandal sa gilid ng pinto.

“What?” I asked coldly.

“Do you want to…talk?” he offered gently.

“About what?”

He shrugged. “Anything.”

Binasa ko ang labi. “Tapos na ’yon ah?” Ganyan, Mavric! Manindigan tayo dito! Ipakita mong matigas ka!

Bumaba ang tingin niya. Tang ina! Susulyap pa sa tiyan ko! Akala niya siguro papatikimin ko siya?

“Just casual talks?” he offered.

Casual? Sa titig niya parang hindi casual ah? Ano? Bading badingan ka sa akin? Umuwi ka sa Manila at doon ka maghanap ng ibang lalake mo!

But despite the aggression in my mind, I remained composed. Wala namang bitter dito. Baka siya? Hindi maka move-on na pumupunta punta pa rito. Ako lang yata ang matagal nang nakamove-on. New Year palang, wala na akong feelings.

“Kausapin mo si Lala sa ibaba. Crush ka no’n,” udyok ko at gusto nang isara ang pinto pero humarang pa.

“That’s why let’s talk,” hirit niya.

Pumuporma ba ’to? Ako ba ang nililigawan nito kaya balik nang balik? I wanted to say I’m straight, but there was something that was holding me back to hurt his feelings. Nakakagalit na may katiting akong iniisip para hindi siya masaktan dito.

Though I am not the harsh type, Rade is really overwhelming. Kung hindi nakakahulog, nakakaakyat ng dugo. At bakit maganda ang tindig niya? Ito ba ang pinutulan ng allowance eh daig pa ang anak ng bilyonaryo dahil hindi naman mukhang kawawa. Naawa pa ako na baka nasa gilid nalang ng kalsada nakatira pero parang iba yata ang pinagkakaabalahan nito. He seemed fine with those months.

I agree to talk to him. If that’s what he only wants, then I’ll give it to him. But he needed to make sure he wouldn’t show up here anymore. This is the last time I’ll see his face. Huwag na siyang bumalik dito!

Naghoodie ako at nagsweatpants. Hindi na ako nag-abalang magperfume total mabango naman ang shower gel ko. Kinusot ko ang basa kong buhok gamit ang dalang tuwalya at bumaba. Nakita ko siya sa sofa na naghihintay.

Dumeritso ako sa kusina para kumuha ng maiinom. I took root beer and a can of Sprite for him. Isinara ko iyon at dumaan ulit sa kanya sabay hagis ng sprite na sinalo niya.

“Sa itaas. May balkonahe,” sabi ko.

Sumunod siya sa akin. Lala is already nowhere to be found. Tulog na siguro o nagcecellphone na sa kuwarto niya. Anong oras na rin ba. Alas dyez na.

Binuksan ko ang root beer at inukupa ang upuan sa balkonahe habang natatanaw ang citylights sa malayo. Ibinulsa ko ang kamay at isinabit ang tuwalya sa railings.

“Huwag kanang bumalik dito,” malamig kong sabi.

“I can manage. I’ll drive responsibly.”

Nagkasalubong lalo ang kilay ko. “Hindi ’yan ang tinutukoy ko. Huwag kanang bumalik dito.”

He sipped on his drink while he side-eyed me with no hint of giving up. I rolled my eyes and gulped down my beer.

“Hindi ka nandidiri? Umaapak ka sa bahay ng kabit ng dad mo?” I fired with a controlled rage in my voice—since this is the main reason why I don’t want him here.

“I heard this house was now named to you. So technically…this isn’t her house anymore.”

What the? Ang tapang ah?

Wala akong masabi kaya tinitigan ko ang citylights. Pumwesto siya sa railings at doon sumandal, hinahangin ang buhok at titig na titig sa akin. I looked away and knitted my brows. Tss.

I pushed my tongue to the side as I tried to distract myself from the dark sky. Despite seeing his image in front of me—tall, dominantly good-looking, wearing his navy blue long sleeve shirt that was rolled till his arms, denim pants, and white shoes—I tried to relax.

“You’re fine being in a relationship now?” he asked curiously, making the tension between us lighter for a casual talk.

Pag sinagot ko ba ’yan titigil na siya?

“Depende kung may magugustuhan.” At least I’m being honest here.

He nodded. “So you’re now open to entertaining your admirers?”

Umangat ang kilay ko. At anong ibig niyang sabihin?

“Coz I’ll shoot my shot,” he said bravely, and he gulped down his drink without taking his eyes off me.

Chapter 35

Ease

Natigilan ako. Is he even kidding me?

“My mom scarred your family—”

“And my dad scarred yours too,” he said, cutting me off. “You think I haven’t thought of it over and over while I was trying to reach out to you from the past? I tried my best to draw a line too.”

I clenched my jaw and smirked without humor when I remembered him in the club.

“So you showed up in that club to find me?”

“Exactly.”

I scoffed and leaned against my seat, my eyes glaring at him—my blood boiled. Gagong ’to.

“My father was a shameless cheater who would bring his woman to our house. Some of them were his big clients, and some, models, while the others were…his co-worker, or the employee in our construction firm. Bata pa kami noon, ganoon na. Umiiyak lagi si Chloe dahil hindi niya naiintindihan pag nahuhuli niyang may ibang kahalikan si dad maliban sa mommy namin.”

My shoulder loosened as my anger was now nowhere.

“I grew up hating on him. Distant. He couldn’t remember our birthdays or even a cake at least, and would only showered us money, while he thought it was enough obligation as our father. I couldn’t tell him to stop since he would punch me or hurt me. Maybe my last straw was your mom since I found out she had a son around my age.”

Tahimik akong tumingin sa kandungan ko. Medyo napatid na ngayon ng konsensya.

“And to see her son, who had no idea, laughing like he was raised by a healthy family, while Chloe and I were in that hell of a house, I got insecure. I got mad. You were that unreachable. Fun. Opposite from my miserable life, when in fact, we’re just the same, the product of a cheater parent. So I don’t understand why your smile seemed so blinding and I couldn’t even enjoy life because of my asshole father.”

“Then you wanted to crush me? To make my life miserable because you were on the low and you couldn’t enjoy your own life? Gusto mong hilain ako pababa dahil nasa ibaba ka?” I laughed sarcastically.

He shrugged. “That’s what I thought. But I mistaken my empathy for anger. I developed that emotion where I want you to lean on me because we are both sharing the same battle. I want you to see me as your equal. I want you to…rest on me. To cry on me. I want you to see me as your own…comfort.”

Medyo lumambot ang tingin ko at naalala ang pag-iyak ko noon sa harapan niya at kusa niya agad ibinigay sa akin ang gusto ko. So he really likes it when I’m opening up.

“You know that feeling where I want you to fall so bad, but I’d make sure I’ll be the one who’s catching you, no matter how heavy it would feel, but I’ll be there once you were falling apart; that’s what I want during those days you were over me,” he uttered firmly.

Bumaba ang balikat ko at para akong natutunaw sa kinauupuan ko.

“I tried to reach out to get our attention at least, but you were unreachable, always on top—blinding. You’re just that…distant,” he pointed out, his serious gaze looking at me deeply.

“And your other plan was to…sleep with me?” Inangatan ko siya ng kilay.

He licked his lips. “The thing is…that was never on my plan. It’s my…own choice.”

Lumunok ako at nag-iwas ng tingin. Well, I was kind of game too. Wala namang kaso ang lahat ng pinaggagawa niya, o kahit laro lang sa umpisa. Sadyang hindi ko lang masikmura na…may nagawa ang parents namin sa mga pamilya namin. Iyon ang mabigat tanggapin.

“When?” namamaos kong tanong, kuryoso.

“The feelings?” he clarified.

Tumango ako at nag-iiwas ng tingin, magkasalubong ang kilay at tinititigan ang hawak kong inumin.

“I have been curious about you since I was in senior high. I tried to get your attention during my first year of college but failed, until those things turned deeper when something happened between us during that summer.”

My stomach churned as I swallowed. So during those five years…he really tried to expose Mom to me?

“So during summer?” tanong ko at tiningnan siya.

Umiling siya. “You were bad news to me. I tried to stop it. Not until…Riri told me things.”

“Naaawa ka?” Kumunot ang noo ko.

“Naaawa? We have the same scar. I just found out mine since I was a kid and dealt with it every day to comfort my sister, while yours was still buried since you like running away. When Riri started to unmask you, that’s where I know I was already on my knees…since I’ve fallen hard.”

I rolled my eyes because I never thought he’d like my vulnerable side; instead, he fell hard? Damn him!

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” marahan kong tanong at yumuko, nagkakasalubong ang kilay.

“Tell you earlier, huh? You were a walking time bomb. Sabi ni Riri, summer pa lang, umalis kana sa inyo. Kahit birthday ni Jester, hindi mo inuwian. If you found out that early, I don’t think your siblings would even weigh to you as an enough reason not to do…things. You seemed so destructive, easily triggered, and you can’t control your emotion since you were afraid to face it yet. So I couldn’t tell you right away at all. Baka kung ano ang gawin mo sa sarili mo, hindi ko rin kayanin.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya, namamangha na…kahit wala akong inoopen-up tungkol sa nararamdaman ko, nababasa niya. Because if I find it out earlier, I really don’t mind doing things. But during those times I spent time with my siblings, and I realized they were suffering too. That moment Rade pointed it out to check on them, I’ve seen that it wasn’t just me who’s having a hard time. Dahil kahit bata pa sila, wala ngang naiintindihan, pero naaapektuhan din.

At ang mga kapatid ko ang rason kaya may mga bagay akong ayaw gawin dahil ayaw ko silang iwanang ganoon.

“When I noticed you seem so open to communication, and you changed, I decided to show you what your mom and my father… were doing behind our backs. Because I know you’d immediately picked up yourself for your siblings. Though you might be that destructive, I was sure you’d immediately consider them. And you might open up things to your friends since you know how to communicate your emotions now.”

Tss. That’s really what happened. Pumangalumbaba ako sa nakaparte kong hita at hinawakan ang buhok ko. He did all of this for me—for my siblings, and in return…

“You still did it despite your father’s wrath? Kahit alam mong mapapalayas ka?” tanong ko sa medyo namamaos na tinig.

“Halos kaedad namin si Jester at Riri noong…unang nagloloko si Dad. Chloe was three. I was turning six. We were clueless about the reason, but we’d see our parents violently shouting and fighting. We don’t have a brother…like you who could at least comfort us and explain things. So I did it on behalf of your siblings too since I know you’d do what’s the right thing for them.”

Mariin akong pumikit. Naalala ko ang pag-iyak ko kay mommy at ang pag-iiyakan ni Jester at Riri. Ang bigat sa loob na may iba pang mga bata na araw araw na nararanasan iyon at paulit-ulit na kinalakihan nila. I couldn’t imagine the pain and the trauma!

“If there was a way to save those kids like us, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Because during those times Chloe and I were helplessly crying, I would always pray for someone to at least save us from the fight of our parents and end it, but no one came.”

Natahimik ako sa mga sinabi niya. Clearly, I am not mad at him for exposing my mother, but maybe I was just pure livid that out of all the men with whom my mother would be linked, was his father. But I know that was the reason why Rade found his way to me. He got interested because I was the son of the woman who was sleeping with his father.

I couldn’t imagine his childhood during those days. Though I grew up distant from my father, I experienced fun when I was a kid. My father was a great dad, and even my mom was too. Unlike his dad.

The only thing I couldn’t swallow here was the fact that he looked like his father so much, and he reminded me of something painful. But I know he’s different from his father; he’d never inflict pain on me, but still…

Natulala tuloy ako sa ceiling at hindi agad makatulog nang pumasok din ako sa aking kuwarto pagkatapos naming mag-usap. How did he even manage it? Kasi kung ako ang nasa sitwasyon niya, I don’t know what I might do.

I sighed heavily and shifted my position on the bed. He’d shoot his shot? He’s gonna pursue me? He’s…

Bumagabag iyon sa isip ko hanggang nakatulugan ko nalang, at nang magising, wala na siya.

“Umalis na, Mav. Pero habilin niya, babalik daw siya. Hindi na kita ginising,” ani Lala nang bumaba ako.

Babalik? Pero pinagsabihan ko ’yon na huwag na siyang bumalik. At babalik pa rin? Edi kung babalik siya, bahala siya. Basta sinabi ko, huwag na siyang bumalik.

I took my siblings to the playground so we could play there along with our new family member, Chiki. Baka naman binigyan niya ng tuta ang mga kapatid ko para may rason siya para magpabalik balik dito?

Jester would always accompany me to the gym, and once we came home, we would help Riri with her obsession with baking and all. Ayos na rin ’yung may mga hobbies sila para hindi babad sa iPad o cellphone nila. Si Jester, hinahanapan ko pa ng panibagong outlet.

“Taekwondo, kuya,” ang sagot ni Jester nang tangunin ko anong gusto niyang gawin. “Kuya Arki is a taekwondo player too. I wanna train with him.”

Baka hindi na ’yon bumalik. Pero kung babalik, sasabihin ko. Pakiramdam ko babalik ’yon.

Tiningnan ko ang relo lalo na’t kahapon, noong 9 PM, nasa labas na siya ng bahay. Two hours naghintay. So 7 PM, nandito na. Sinilip ko ang pinto nang may dumaang kotse pero hindi huminto.

“Hinihintay mo, Mav?” nangingiting puna ni Lala pagkatapos maghugas ng plato at nadatnan pa akong sumisilip sa kurtina ng malaki naming bintana.

“Ah…tinitingnan ko lang kung uulan ba. Gusto kong magjogging.”

“Baka pumunta ’yon si Arki. Hindi ka maabutan. Hintayin mo muna,” si Lala na hinuhubad na ang apron.

Pupunta talaga ’yon? If he doesn’t show up, which means he has already accepted that I don’t want to see him anymore.

At…hindi ko pa siya nabibigyan ng sagot doon sa gusto niya. Hindi ko rin nareject kagabi. Nakalimutan ko dahil nag oopen-up siya. But maybe I could…give him more days to prove it?

Pumunta ako sa kuwarto at nagpasyang uminom sa balkonahe habang pinapanood ang mga kotseng dumadaan. When I got bored, in-on ko saglit ang wifi para makapag internet. Ilang buwan din akong tumigil sa social media. Naging low-key bigla dahil sa problema sa pamilya.

I started downloading Facebook again. I’ve changed my number during the New Year kaya wala na tuloy ka text. Hindi na rin kasi nangrereto si Tyler, o kahit si Angela kaya ang tahimik ng messages ko. But maybe it was also my own choice not to enter a relationship for a while.

Pagbukas ko sa Facebook, halos malula ako sa daming notification. Kahit friend requests bumabaha. It was during December when we got viral on social media for that basketball brawl at ang daming girls ang nag add sa akin that time.

I scrolled until I saw a familiar name who had just sent me a friend request. Kumunot ang noo ko. I clicked it so I could block him. But before I could even do it, I stopped. Ang oa na, Mav.

I noticed a new tag with Rade. Five minutes ago. May hawak siyang red cup na sinangga niya at ngunit nakunan pa rin ang pagtakas ng ngiti niya. So he’s having fun?

I checked the other photos, and there was a photo where he was crouching to Verena, his hand on her elbow, and Verena seemed to be listening carefully, or—are they kissing?

I zoomed it in. Kailangan ko pang i full ang brightness para makita nang maigi. I analyzed it for a minute until I lost my temper and just cancelled his request on Facebook and blocked him too. Oa, my ass.

Huwag na siyang pumunta dito. Total nag-usap na kami. Tama na ’yun bilang closure.

I went to my gallery and scrolled through some photos. I chose the zoomed-in photo of mine, smiling while my dimple was flashing as I brushed my curly hair backwards. Ilang sandali lang, dinagsa agad ng maraming comments at nangununa pa ang mga boys na maraming reacts sa nilapag nilang comments.

Reagan Aldric Vallejo:

Amoy polbo na expired

Tyler Coast Cervando:

Hi Johnson’s baby

Ronan Slade Veniel:

Sinong babae na naman ang inaakit mo?

I reacted haha to each comment of my friends. I replied to Tyler.

Maverick Evander:

Wala ka bang party? I’m bored.

Ilang sandali lang, tumawag agad si Tyler. I answered it.

“Sa Siargao tayo magparty, Mav! Ano? Dalhin mo si Jester at Riri! Next week na ang birthday mo. Celebration na rin. Sagot ko na ang travel nila.”

“Sige! May binili kana bang property doon? O wala pa?”

“Wala pa. Medyo nagka problema si dad sa negosyo lately. May kita naman ako sa yate sa Cebu pero ayon…baka ubos ang tang inang savings ko nito kasi kakabili ko lang din noong yate na nilagay ko sa Palawan.”

“Baka gipit ka? May pera naman ako.”

“I mean hindi muna ako bibili ng property. Pero magkano lang naman ang trip sa Siargao. Magcelebrate na tayo para malibang din ang mga kapatid mo.”

May narinig akong kakahinto lang na kotse sa labas lalo na’t nag-ingay ’yung mga aso sa harap. Nagpaalam agad ako kay Tyler lalo na’t mukhang alam ko kung sino ’yon.

Bahay niya ba ’to at dito siya umuuwi? Tapos aalis kinaumagahan, babalik sa gabi? Nag-aaksaya lang siya ng gas.

“Mavric? Gising ka pa?” Katok ni Lala.

Hindi ako sumagot. I don’t really feel good. Kung kanina, medyo sabik ako na babalik, ngayon, nawalan na ng interes.

“Nandito si Arki. Anong sasabihin ko? Hinihintay ka sa labas,” patuloy ni Lala.

Gusto ko sanang sabihin na pauwiin niya kaso sa five minutes ago na post, mukhang uminom ’yon ah. And he still drives? Pero nakapagdrive pa papunta dito?

Tumihaya ako at inunan ang mga kamay ko. He didn’t have fun at the party with Verena? Kumunot lalo ang noo ko nang umuusbong ang pamilyar na pakiramdam sa akin. Tang ina.

“Mav, aalis na daw siya,” si Lala.

I groaned and pulled myself out of the bed. Kinuha ko ang hoodie at binuksan ang pinto na ikinagulat ni Lala.

“Matulog kana, Lala. Ako na ang bahala,” sabi ko, lalo na’t alas nwebe na rin.

“O sige. Kung may kailangan kayo, katukin niyo lang ako. Magc-cellphone lang naman ako.”

Tumango ako at ngumiti, sabay na bumaba sa kanya. Isinuot ko ang hoodie habang lumalabas na at nagtungo sa gate. Nang buksan ko iyon, bumungad si Rade na nakasandal, nakahalukipkip, at medyo namumungay ang mga mata.

“Ano?” malamig kong tanong.

Pula ang pisngi niya. Bukas ang dalawang butones ng shirt. At halata ang lasing sa mga mata.

He shrugged. “I just want to see you.”

Tiningnan ko ang ayos niya. Black button-down shirt, denim pants. Ito ’yung nasa picture. Which means the photos are recent.

I signaled by tilting my head to come in. Pauuwiin ko pa ba kung alam ko ang epekto sa kanya pag nakainom siya? Though he probably just drank a little bit of shot, his eyes looked drunk and sleepy.

Umupo siya sa sofa habang dumeritso ako sa kusina. Kinuha ko ang tumbler sa ref para makainom siya ng malamig na tubig. Kung nakapagdrive pa siya papunta dito, hindi ganoon ka rami ang ininom niya.

Tahimik ko iyong inabot sa kanya. Kinuha niya iyon sa kamay ko at binuksan ngunit nahirapan pa. I rolled my eyes and took it from his hand, opened it in one stroke, and handed it to him.

“Thanks,” he murmured tipsily, and sipped on it.

Namulsa ako sa hoodie ko. “Umalis ka agad sa party? Doon ka nalang sana nagpalipas ng oras,” I pointed out.

“What party?” He squinted his eyes a bit.

Nakatayo ako sa nakaparte niyang mga hita. Dim ang sala. At sa namumungay niyang lasing na tingin, nakakadistract.

“Party. You’re with Verena?” I smirked flatly.

His eyes drifted to my dimple. I rolled my eyes and licked my lips as I immediately pulled a serious face. No kisses for you, Tejano.

“What about Verena?” he asked confusingly and closed his thigh a bit, locking me in.

Ang hirap makipag-usap sa lasing. I scoffed and brushed my hair backward, licking my lower lip annoyingly.

“Doon ka galing,” I said eagerly. Not that I don’t want him to have fun—I don’t care what kind of fun he had there—but he should have just stayed there instead of driving here with his condition.

“I don’t wanna be there. You’re not there,” he explained firmly, shaking his head drunkenly.

He’s really honest—drunk or not.

Pinainom ko ulit ng tubig at baka sumakit pa ang ulo nito pagkagising. He coughed until the water splashed clumsily on his shirt. Ang tanga!

“Ayusin mo,” irita kong sabi at hinawakan ang tumbler ko para makainom siya nang maayos, ang isa kong kamay ay hinawakan ang panga niya bilang alalay.

Humawak siya sa pulso ko, titig na titig sa akin. Tsansing! Kung hindi lang lasing…

I silently watched him too. His intense eyes were really the dominant part of his face because they burned. And when he would smirk a little, the smugness would make him even more superior, like he knew he’s handsome and hot at the same time, despite his snobbish aura.

Nagkasalubong lalo ang mga kilay ko sa iniisip, at sa paraan ng paninitig niya sa akin, lalo na’t lasing man siyang tingnan, ngunit pakiramdam ko, ako na ang rason kaya ganoon siya.

O baka…nagpapanggap lang ’to. Kung hindi ko lang nakita noon kung paano siya nalasing, hindi ko siya papansinin. But I’m kind of worried here.

I took the tumbler away from him after he finished drinking. He licked his lower lip. Makintab iyon at pula. Sumandal siya sa sofa at patuloy pa rin ang paninitig sa akin, na kung…wala lang talaga akong mga iniisip, pakiramdam ko, kanina pa ako nahamon diyan sa mga titig niya.

But I don’t take advantage of drunk people. Ibang usapan na ’yon.

“I’m sorry for what my father did,” he said sincerely.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Ano pa bang magagawa ng sorry na ’yan? Isa pa, bakit siya ang humihingi ng tawad sa kagaguhan ng dad niya?

“But let me…at least…replace those painful memories…and make it up to you,” he murmured and closed his eyes.

Make it up to me? Pero hindi dito dumeritso at nauna pa sa iba. Though I don’t want to jump to conclusions because, for sure, he had a valid reason for that, that ugly feeling was hard to ignore. Kumakalat sa sistema ko at nakakawalang gana.

Bumuntonghininga ako. May gusto pa sana akong sabihin, kaso nakaidlip pa yata sa sofa. Tang inang low tolerance sa alak. Paano aawayin kung tulog agad? Baka naman umiiwas? May kasalanan siguro ’to?

And what did you do there, Tejano? I thought you’d shoot your shot? What are those photos, then?

Kinuha ko sa kamay niya ang tumbler at tiningnan ang basa niyang damit na natapunan pa ng tubig dahil hindi na siya makainom ng maayos kanina.

“Huhubarin ko,” paalam ko dahil baka kung anong isipin niya.

Nakapikit pa rin siya habang kinakalas ko na ang isang butones nang mahagip ng tingin ko ang paglabas ni Lala at natigilan nang makita ang ginagawa ko.

Natigilan din ako at nagkatitigan pa kami ni Lala ng ilang sigundo na namilog ang mga mata. Patay malisya siyang natatarantang bumalik sa kuwarto pero tinawag ko agad.

“Lala! Patulong nga,” tawag ko. “Nabasa.”

“A-Ah…o sige…” tikhim niya at nagmamadaling lumapit sa kabila ng pamumula ng mga pisngi niya.

Inalis ko agad ang kamay ko. Huminto si Lala sa harap ni Rade at nag-ambang ipagpatuloy ang pagkalas kaso iritang tinabig ni Rade ang kamay niya at nagkasalubong ang kilay habang pikit pa rin ang mga mata.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Lala. “Ikaw yata ang gusto niyang maghubad, Mav…”

Umismid ako. Ang arte ah? Pero sa picture…may pahawak naman sa siko.

I tried to replace Lala’s hand, and it seems like Rade knew it was me because he didn’t push it. Tahimik na nanood si Lala, nag-iwas pa ng tingin nang tuluyan kong mahubaran.

Makintab ang katawan niya dahil na rin basa. And whews, the cracks on his stomach… He’s really toned. Kahit hindi ko amuyin, umaalingasaw ang pabangong bigay ko sa kanya.

“Patulong nalang paakyat, Lala,” sabi ko, lalo na’t mabigat ’to.

Lala nodded as I pulled Rade out of the sofa and put his hand around my shoulder. Ginaya rin ni Lala sa kabila pero itinulak din ni Rade at ayaw magpahawak. Gagong ’to!

“Ay…ayaw niya, Mav…” Nagkamot ng ulo si Lala dahil nabitiwan niya agad ang kamay ni Rade. “Parang gusto niya ikaw lang ang hahawak sa kanya.”

Ayaw ko ngang ipahalatang may kakaiba sa amin ni Rade, may ugali na yata ang isang ’to na pag lasing, nabubuko dahil walang kontrol sa sarili!

“Sige salamat, Lala… Matulog kana…”

Tumango siya ngunit pigil ang ngiti habang nakatingin sa amin.

“Ihahatid ko lang sa guest room at lilipat din agad sa kuwarto ko,” agap ko, nagpaliwanag kahit iyon naman talaga ang gagawin ko.

“Sige, Mav…Wala naman akong iniisip na iba. Hehe. Sleep well…” aniya at tumalikod na, ngunit palingon lingon at talagang nangingiti.

Sa huli, ako pa ang nahirapang iakyat siya sa guest room. Sa sobrang badtrip ko, kulang nalang itapon ko sa kama. Painom inom tapos kaonti lang, bagsak agad. Pag ako naging kainuman nito, baka magising nalang siya, umiinom pa rin ako.

I was frustrated, but at the same time, at ease that nothing happened to him while he was driving on his way here. Kinuha ko ang kumot at hinagis sa buong katawan niya, kahit ang ulo, kinumutan ko. Kung hindi lang ako nakonsensya at baka hindi makahinga, hindi ko sana ibababa.

Chapter 36

Downfall

Kinabukasan, tanghali akong nagising at hindi inaasahang makikita siya na nandoon pa rin. Umangat ang kilay ko lalo na’t sanay akong nawawala na siya tuwing umaga. Maybe he has no work or whatever, but… why is he still here? Guilty ’to. May kasalanan nga.

Naglalaro sila ng PlayStation ni Jester. Deritso nga lang ako sa kusina dahil gutom na rin. Ngumisi si Lala at makahulugan ang tingin sa akin, palingon lingon kay Rade na tumitingin tingin din sa akin.

“Hindi pa rin kayo bati?” she asked in her invested expression, like we were her favorite drama and she’s eager to finish it.

Ngumisi lamang ako kay Lala at umupo. I boredly ate and decided to busy myself on the phone.

“Kuya!” saway ni Riri.

“Oh, sorry,” agap ko nang mapagtantong ako rin ang bumabali ng rules ko dito sa bahay.

I don’t want them to eat while distracted by their phones, so I’m practicing to show them I’m not invested in it either.

May kung anong sinabi si Rade kay Jester. Tumayo si Jester at lumapit agad sa akin, hinihila ako at ibinibigay sa akin ang controller.

“Ikaw muna, kuya! I’m gonna pee!” rason niya eh halatang kinasabwat lang.

So I took my plate with me and put it on the center table as I took a seat beside him.

“Kuya!” Riri called again when she looked at my plate.

“Wait lang, Riri. Nagpapa sub si Jester,” agap ko at tiningnan ang flatscreen TV.

I could sense Rade’s glances at me. He placed his phone on the side of my plate. Bumaba ang tingin ko doon at nakita ang screen na nasa Facebook profile niya.

“Verena’s birthday was yesterday. Pumunta ako around 6 PM para respeto lang at bumati. The second photo was actually me telling her I needed to go since I’d be going to Batangas. Hindi ko alam may ganoon pa lang picture. Ngayon ko lang nakita,” he suddenly explained.

Hindi ako nagsalita. I didn’t ask, though.

“You blocked me.” He looked at me submissively.

I licked my lips. Nagkasalubong lang ang kilay ko at nanatili ang tingin sa flatscreen TV.

Bakit muna nandito pa siya? Hindi ba dapat umalis na siya?

“Kung kukunin mo ang motorbike, ibibigay ko ang susi. Ayoko nang may naiisip na kung ano ano si Lala kaya ka balik nang balik dito,” malamig kong sabi habang nakasentro ang tingin sa TV.

“When you were jealous of the past, you ghosted me. So…nothing changed? You still…keep a distance?” may panunuya sa tinig niya.

My brow shot up. Jealous, my ass.

“What do you want me to do? I didn’t play behind your back, though. Verena is just a friend. Hindi rin ako nagtagal sa party. Though I took some shots, that’s it. I immediately left,” he explained more persistently.

Hindi ako umimik. I hate this feeling. Though I knew he was telling the truth, there was a hollow feeling in my stomach, and I knew where it was coming from.

Kinuha niya ang phone at in-untag ang sarili niya doon. I rolled my eyes since he’s making a big deal out of it. Sino bang nagbibig deal? Wala naman? Kahit nga makita kong nakakandong pa sa kanya si Verena, ilalike ko pa ’yan.

“What’s your plan for your upcoming birthday? Riri mentioned it.”

Hindi ako sumagot.

“You wanna go to the beach…with your siblings? My treat,” he offered.

That was my plan before…he exposed my mom to me.

“May iba akong plano,” malamig kong tugon.

Tumango siya at natahimik din at hindi na nagsalita ng ilang minuto. ’Yung player niya, namamatay na rin nang paulit ulit. Si Jester kinain na yata ng anidoro at ang tagal bumalik kaya tinawag ko dahil parang ayoko nang manatili doon. Medyo pangit na ang vibes.

Noong umalis siya kinagabihan, sinabi nalang ni Lala dahil nagmukmok ulit ako sa kwarto. Lumabas ako kahit alas onse na, nagtungo sa garahe, at nagpasyang linisan ang motorbike kahit kakalinis ko lang nito last week.

“Beach daw? He thinks I’m easy to get?” I said bitterly while splashing its parts with water.

Bumuntonghininga ako at namaywang, iritado.

“Bakit niya icecelebrate ang birthday ko? Close ba kami? Hindi naman,” I ranted with my sour expression.

Ngumuso ako at pinisil ang pang-ibaba kong labi.

“Buti nga hindi ko sinabi na may plano si Tyler. Sinabi ko dapat para sumama ang loob niya. But I’m not that petty.”

Natahimik ako saglit at pinag-isipan ng maigi ang balak ko sa birthday ko. I crouched down and rested my knuckles on my chin boredly.

“Anong beach naman kaya?”

But when I remembered the photos, I rolled my eyes.

“Ayos na rin ang Siargao. Gastos ni Tyler at kasama din ang mga friends ko. Nag-iipon pa naman ako. Mabuti rin nang makatipid tipid.”

That’s why, when my birthday came, I was packing our things for the Siargao trip. Three days din. Tapos uuwi dahil lilipad na kami kila dad at doon mananatili ng isang buwan. Doon icecelebrate ang birthday ni Jester.

“Kuya, we aren’t inviting kuya Arki?” tanong ni Jester, halata ang lungkot sa tinig.

Umiling ako. “Busy.”

“But he told us if you would like, we could go to the beach. You don’t like it, kuya?” si Riri na nababahala rin.

Ako pa ang nakokonsensya dito. Hindi ko nasagot ang mga hinaing nila kaya tahimik din silang tumingin nalang sa bintana.

“Kuya Arki was planning it. He told me he wants to celebrate your birthday on the beach…” bulong ni Jester.

There was a stabbing feeling in my chest. Back in the past, when I’d cut things off completely, I would not feel any hang-ups anymore since I wasn’t that emotional or sentimental.

But this…it bothers me, like I committed a crime that I can’t just shrug off. There was suddenly an intense feeling where I wanted to completely run where he was and explain things or assure him I would not even play behind his back—or do something that would hurt him.

Dammit, Maverick. You are really his pain in the ass, huh?

Nadistract din naman ang mga kapatid ko noong nasa mismong mahabang trip na at kasama din ang iba pa naming friends. Ngunit ako yata ang hirap idistract ang sarili dahil minu-minuto, naalala ko at nakokonsensya ako.

I tried to have fun as soon as I was around my friends. We rented a yacht for our Siargao adventure para na rin sa island hopping. Ngunit ang main target talaga namin, sa cloud nine dahil balak naming mag-surf. Iyon ang gusto ni Tyler talaga since last year pa.

“Uy! Naglike si Tejano sa post ko,” ngiting ngiti si Gabriella lalo na’t crush na crush niya ’yan.

“Patingin!” Nagkakagulo ang mga girls sa phone niya.

“Nagpost ka, Gabriella?” tanong ko.

“Oo! Ang gaganda kasi ng shots. Bakit? Hindi ka nagpaalam sa girlfriend?” humalakhak siya.

I only laughed. So what, right? Birthday ko naman ’to. I have the right to…decline his offer and choose whoever I like to celebrate it with.

But then, suddenly, I don’t feel good. It even worsened now that the girls posted fun pictures celebrating my own birthday. Napa Facebook pa ako para icheck ang mga posted pictures ni Gabriella. Ang dami no’n pero inisa isa ko, hinahanap ang sarili kong angles.

Meron doon, marami. Though I’m with the boys, there was a photo where Tyler and I were laughing while Jester was on his shoulder with his life vest. Nakuha pa sa gilid si Shiloh at Riri na naka life vest din at kuryosong nakayuko sa timba ng mga shells na pinagkukuha naming boys para sa kanila.

Gusto kong ipadelete, pero wala namang mali sa picture. Nasa kanya na iyon kung lalagyan niya naman ng meaning. Isa pa, sila din naman ni Verena ah? Binigdeal ko ba? Hindi naman.

Maybe I’d just explain things once he points them out? Goddammit! Knowing the superior Rade is my pain in the ass because he’s just too cold and snobby. Pag ’yon ang nagtampo ewan ko nalang, tapos talaga itong pag-iinarte ko.

Siniko ako ni Rick nang matulala ako ilang minuto ang nakalipas. Nilingon ko siya at malawak agad ang ngisi niya.

“Naglike pala?” he said meaningfully.

I rolled my eyes and smiled while I was resting my forearms on the steel bar of the yacht. “Wala akong pake.”

“Walang pake pero natulala?” Humagalpak siya.

“Dude ang ganda ng Siargao. Sinong hindi matutulala.” Humalakhak ako kahit parang gusto ko nalang magpakain sa pating kung meron man.

“Ano ba kasing ginawa sa’yo at bigla mo ’yang inayawan eh ulol na ulol ka diyan last year ah?”

Right.

“Ramdam ko namang gusto mo, bading na bading ka diyan, eh tindig pa lang no’n…”

Ngumuso ako at tinanaw ang malayong isla, gustong waksiin sa isip ang titig ni Rade noong gabing iyon pero nakatatak sa isip ko. That drunken eyes…

“Magpopost nga rin ako. Friends kami no’n.” He took his phone out and opened Facebook. Patalikod siyang sumandal sa steel bar at abala sa phone ang isang kamay.

Gusto ko siyang sawayin na huwag na, o huwag akong isali sa pictures, pero ano pa bang pagtatakpan ko dito, nakita niya na.

“Dinala mo sana Rick,” biro ko para naman makaisa ako sa kanya kakaasar niya sa akin.

“Nahihiya pa. Sa susunod. Pag sinagot ako,” he said shamelessly while scrolling his phone for some pictures.

Natawa ako. Wow. He’s this confident. He’s proud.

“Akala ko ba basted ka doon?” kuryoso kong tanong nang may maalala.

“Hiniwalayan niya.” He rolled his eyes.

Humagalpak ako. “Ibang comfort siguro ’yung ginawa mo noon…”

Ngumisi siya sa akin. “Gago ka. Genuine ’yon.”

Pansin ko na nadistract na siya at hindi na magpopost kaya mas nakipagkwentuhan ako.

“’Tsaka sabi rin ng therapist ko, maganda daw kasi na hindi ko i-generalize ang mga kagaya nila. At tama naman…medyo nakikita ko nga.”

Tumango ako at kinuha ang phone sa kamay niya. Hinayaan niya ako habang ako ang nags-scroll sa pictures.

“Baka may naalala ka lang kaya mo ’yan nagustuhan huh?” asar ko.

“Ano ako, gago?”

Noong makitang wala namang pangit at makakapagsimula ng away sa pictures niya, ibinalik ko sa kanya ang phone. Tumingin ako saglit kay Riri at Shiloh na nagtitilian dahil pinapababa ng mga friends ko saglit para makalangoy.

Nakayakap si Riri sa leeg ni Ron at inaalalayan din ng girls, si Shiloh naman ay nasa likod ni Brent, ngiting ngiti kay Riri na humahagikhik din sa kanya.

“Rick… I have a scenario…” bigla kong open-up dahil siya ang mas naiisip kong maganda mag-advice sa ganito, at talagang bumabagabag sa isip ko.

“Ano?” He seemed invested since he turned off the screen of his phone and looked at me seriously.

“Kunwari niyaya mo. Say…birthday niya…” I scratched my nape.

“Ah…” Tumango tango siya, malawak agad ang ngiti. “Tinanggihan niya ang anyaya ko at sa iba sumama? Tapos makikita ko sa Facebook kasi hindi pa nagpaalam?”

Humalakhak ako. Humagalpak siya at binatukan ako.

“Patay kang bata ka. Kaya pala natutulala ka huh? Nakokonsensya ka ba?”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled too. Though I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong, I don’t feel good at all. Parang…nasaktan ko.

Ayoko naman siyang saktan. Our parents might be both wrong, but I have already completely set him aside. I don’t want to punish him or whatever.

“Masakit ’yan. Ganyan din ginawa sa akin. On the spot. Tang ina. Para akong lumubog sa disyerto. Halos maiyak ako. Ang sakit lang na alam mo ’yon…hindi ka pinili.” He smiled weakly.

Tahimik ko siyang tiningnan. And with the sparkle in his eyes, I know that moment left a pain in him.

“Gets ko naman na may ibang nagpapasaya at mas nauna kaysa sa akin. Pero ’yung marinig mo, noong kung kailan ka naliwanagan, ang sakit, dude. Parang nahuli ka at wala kang magawa kundi magpaubaya kasi hindi ikaw ang first choice. Kulang nalang gawin kong tubig si Alfonso no’n. Naalala mo naman ’di ba?”

Tumango ako.

“’Yung makikita mo na masaya siya sa iba, tapos marerealize mo na may kakayahan ka ring pasayahin siya, pero siya mismo ang namili kasi…doon siya mas sasaya. Tang inang brokenhearted. Parang inararo ang puso ko. Wasak.”

Natatawa ako pero ramdam ko ang bigat.

“Masakit ’yan, sobrang sakit. Pero nasa sa’yo naman ang desisyon. Respetuhin niya. Pero masakit talaga ’yan, Mavric. Parang ginagawang punching bag ang dibdib mo. Kung pwede lang dukutin ang puso mo para tumigil sa kakakirot gagawin mo talaga.”

Now I don’t feel good. Pakiramdam ko matutulala ako buong summer. Ayoko namang icancel ang plans ng parents ko dahil sa paghihimutok ko. Birthday na birthday may ganito akong inaalala.

I couldn’t post on Facebook either. Eh iyon sana ang tunay kong sadya para makapagpost din, pero nawalan pa ako ng gana.

My friends were the ones who were posting for me. May videos na kinantahan nila ako at hawak ko ang cake pero si Riri ang umihip. Pinagta-tag lang nila ako pero hindi ko mailagay sa wall ko.

Pati ba naman pictures i-ooverthink ko? Since when did I become like this? During my relationships in the past, I would not care what they thought of the things I’d do. Bahala sila basta masaya ako. But for the first time, I was so bothered that he might get hurt.

Alam niya naman ang sitwasyon naming dalawa. Alam niya kung…bakit ako ganito. Pero kung…pupunta ulit siya sa bahay, nasa gate pa lang siya, ngingisi na agad ako sa kanya. He missed my dimple, right?

Dala dala ko ang alalahaning iyon kahit noong umalis kami ng Pinas at deritso na kay dad, lalo na’t pagbalik galing Siargao, lumipad na agad kami sa States.

Jester was having the best day of his life on his one-week birthday celebration outside the country, which made me lessen my worries. I remembered how he was teary-eyed while watching the fireworks.

“Kuya…thank you,” ngiti niya nang ilagay ko ang kamay ko sa ulo niya at ginulo ang buhok niya.

“You’re welcome.” I showed my fist, and we made some fist bumps.

Nilingon niya si mommy at daddy. Mommy was carrying Riri while she was singing along with Riri’s favorite song. May ginagaya yata silang kanta sa Disney habang nanonood kami ng fireworks.

“Daddy, thank you,” mahinang sabi ni Jest nang lingunin din siya ni dad.

Dad showed his fist too, and they made a fist bump. I hope he will grow up less invested in his dark thoughts. Though he’s extroverted sometimes, I noticed he easily worries. Kaya kailangan talagang tutukan at baka lumaki siyang nadadala ang ganoong iniisip niya.

“I hope kuya Arki is with us so he can see these fireworks too,” biglang banggit ni Jester nang tumingala ulit.

I suddenly remembered his statement about fireworks, and I coughed on my own saliva. Umangat ang kilay ni dad, lalo na’t lagi niya nang naririnig ang pangalang ’yan.

“That name really intrigues me…” aniya.

“Kuya Arki is Kuya’s…” Jester stopped and glanced at me. “Boy…friend.”

“Arki? Kuya’s boyfriend!” singit ni Riri nang marinig ang pangalan.

Natatawang inayos ni mommy ang micky mouse niyang headband. Dad lifted his brow more; his eyes were now judging me to the core. Hindi ko alam kung sinabi ba ni mommy ang nakita niya sa hotel pero ano pa bang itatago dito? Kung nalaman niya, hindi ko rin naman itatanggi.

“Literal na lalaking kaibigan, dad…” I croacked and scratched my nape.

“Kuya Arki always visits Kuya in the house. He would play with us, and he would bring food too,” kuwento ni Jester kaya mas naging interesado si Dad.

“Arki is making Riri, Jester, and Kuya happy,” si Riri.

Mommy smiled at me wearily. Inakbayan ako ni Dad, nakaangat na ang dalawang kilay at mukhang invested sa kuwento ng mga kapatid ko.

“You should introduce him to me. I’d like to know who’s making my kids happy. Don’t keep him a secret,” ani Dad at ramdam ko sa ngiti niya ang pagkakaroon ng ideya.

I slowly nodded, as I couldn’t utter any words anymore. Namulsa ako at hindi ko alam kung alin ang malakas na kalabog, ang fireworks ba o…

Though I told myself that I had already moved on, and cut it off since January, but who am I kidding here? Noong nagpakita sa akin, lumubog agad ako. Hayop eh. Babalik ba naman na…ganoon ang tindig.

But other than that, I never lose my feelings for him. Akala ko hindi ako matatablan. Magaling naman sana akong mang-ignore. But his effect was really overwhelming. Isang sulyap lang, wala na, mapapaluhod na naman si Evander.

Pag-uwi sa bahay makalipas ang isang buwang bakasyon na hindi na rin na-extend dahil sa maraming dahilan, ch-in-eck ko agad sa garahe ang motorbike kung meron pa ba. Meron pa naman. Naiwan kasi si Lala dito para bantayan si Chiki at ang bahay.

“Hala ma’am! Thank you! Ang dami naman!” ang boses ni Lala nang malula sa mga pasalubong namin sa kanya.

“Ibigay mo sa family mo ang iba, Lala. Isang bagahe dito ’yung chocolates na dala ko.”

Malawak ang ngiti ni Lala habang nalilito kung ano ang uunahing buksan.

“Ay Jester! Dumaan si Arki! May pinapabigay na gift!” agap ni Lala at nagmamadaling may kinuha.

Sumulyap si Mommy sa akin, naninimbang ang tingin. Umupo ako sa sofa at nag Facebook para makapagpost ng mga pictures pero hindi matanggal sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Lala.

“Mavric aakyat muna ako, magpapahinga.”

Tumango ako kay Mommy. Kinausap niya saglit si Lala na siya na ang bahala sa mga bagahe habang si Riri, inaakay pa si Chiki at ayaw nang bitiwan. Halos masakal niya na kakahalik at pinapasuot ’yung binili niyang dress.

“Yes! Yes!” Nagtatalon si Jester nang buksan ang regalong binigay ni Rade. “This is a limited edition!”

Ngumuso ako. Noong birthday ko…wala ring binigay na regalo ah? O baka naman…

“May iba pa siyang binigay, Lala?” tanong ko.

Nakangiti si Lala habang tinitingnan ang excitement ni Jester saka bumaling sa akin.

“Ay wala na…”

Ang kapal din ng mukha ko? Tinanggihan ko ’yung beach pero nag eexpect ako ng regalo?

“Pero…” She looked at me for a while.

“Ano?” agap ko nang may sasabihin pa si Lala.

“Nabanggit niya na kailan daw kayo uuwi kasi pupunta siya.”

“Talaga?” kumpirma ko, kunwari hindi excited.

“Oo Mav. Pansin ko may isa pa ’yun siyang paperbag na dala pero hindi niya binigay. Feeling ko sa’yo ’yon.” At dalawa pa yata kaming assuming dito.

Pero baka akin talaga ’yon?

“Alam niya ba na ngayon ang uwi namin?” tanong ko.

Umiling si Lala habang binabalikan ang mga pasalubong namin sa kanya na nakalatag sa sahig at sinilip niya.

“Hindi nga eh. Ang sabi ko lang, baka this week, o next week. Eh sabi din kasi ni ma’am, hindi sure kasi baka mag extend kayo doon ’di ba?” wala sa sarili niyang sabi habang pinagtitingnan ang mga boxes.

“Wala kang number? I text mo,” agap ko.

Ngiting ngiti si Lala at bumaling sa akin habang natutuwa sa sandals na sinukat niya—hindi ako pinansin. Ano ba itong kasabwat ko, nakalimutan na yata ang trabaho niyang bantayan ’yung Tejano!

Motorbike naman ang pinabantayan at hinabilin ko…pero alam niya na dapat ’yon.

“Ano, Mav?” balik niya sa akin.

Umiling ako at hindi nalang itinuloy ang sinabi ko. That was a sudden suggestion that wasn’t planned. Nakakahiya rin. Bakit ipapatext? Para ’yun lang?

But then I typed a post so I could post it.

Touchdown Philippines.

Marami agad nagcomment, nangunguna pa ang mga kumag. Nanghihingi ng mga pasalubong. May binili naman ako pero puro chocolates. Si Shiloh lang din ang uubos nito lahat.

I went to my block list and unblocked him so he could…perhaps see it? Baka istalk ako no’n. Alam niya nga na b-in-lock ko siya.

Isa pa, dapat pumunta siya. May pinagbibili yata sila Jester at Riri para sa kanya. Wala nga lang akong binili para sa kanya total…wala naman akong pakialam.

Gusto ko nang iuntog ang ulo ko sa pader. Kung naririnig lang ni Rick ang mga iniisip ko, baka siya na ang uuntog sa akin. Walang pakialam pero natutulala? Walang pakialam pero nag-ooverthink? Am I really this complicated?

My mom, on the next days, told me she has a business trip again. Though I believe her now since she would video call my siblings during her work. Pero napapansin ko rin na wala siya dito sa bahay simula noong bumibisita lagi si Rade.

“Mavric! Nandito na,” excited na anunsyo ni Lala nang sumapit ang Sabado, iyon agad ang bumungad sa akin nang kumatok siya.

My worries immediately vanished now that he had shown up. Akala ko talaga hindi na eh. Isang linggo din ang lumipas saka sumulpot dito simula noong nagpost ako. Baka…hindi rin ako natiis? I smirked at myself.

Naligo ako bago bumaba. I also wore my scent—Dior Sauvage, which I also gifted him for that peace offering that he was continuously wearing. May binili pa naman akong bagong scent. ’Yung Bleu de Chanel. Ewan ko lang kung…gusto niya. Eh binili ko ’yon para sa sarili ko. Pero pwede rin naman kanya na kung…gusto niya.

Tang ina. Sino bang niloloko ko dito? Kung may nakakabasa lang siguro ng isip ko, pinagtawanan na ako. Lubog na lubog eh.

Well, even the reasons why I avoided him cannot outweigh my worries now if he’s hurt. I realized the pain of Rade Archiel Tejano is not just a weakness—but my downfall.

Chapter 37

Control

Nasa sofa na siya at pinagkakaguluhan ni Riri at Jester. Nag-uunahan ang dalawa na dumaldal habang nakikinig si Rade, naka puting buttoned-down t-shirt. He always looks good when he’s visiting—probably part of shooting his shot.

“Kuya! Kuya Arki is here! You bought perfume for him, right?” anunsyo ni Jester.

Napaangat ng tingin si Rade. Natawa ako sa sinabi ni Jester eh akin naman ’yon! Binili ko ’yon kasi akin ’yon. Anong kay Rade?

Si Jester kasi ’yung kasama kong pumunta sa store ng Chanel sa mall na pinaggalaan namin. Hindi ko naman sinabi na para kay Rade, eh para ’yon sa akin—but whatever. Edi kay Rade nalang. Wala eh. Inanunsyo na ni Jester. Ibibigay ko nalang talaga sa kanya.

“Kuya is sad during the trip because you weren’t with us,” at dinagdagan pa ni Riri!

Imbento. Sila nga ang naging matamlay kasi wala daw si Rade. Hindi ba pwedeng…nahawa rin ako?

Lumabas ako dahil wala akong magawa, kunwari umiiwas, at dumeritso sa garahe. Namiss kong paliguan ang motorbike.

I took my t-shirt off and opened the hose. Mababasa rin naman ako kaya naghubad na. Tanaw ang garahe sa isa sa bukas na bintana kung saan din sila nakaupo.

When Rade glanced at the window, itinapat ko sa dibdib ko ang hose at lumingon din sa kanya. He arched his brow like there was an interesting show that piqued his curiosity while his eyes went down to my stomach. I looked at him meaningfully and arched my brow too. He took his eyes out of me, and yet a little smirk still kissed on his lips.

Nangingiti ko ring iniwas ang tingin at nahuli si Lala na kunot-noong nakatingin sa akin sa isang bintana, hindi ko alam kung nagulat, o natrauma kaya tumikhim ako at itinapat agad ang hose sa motorbike sa seryosong paraan. Sa dami na yata ng nakita ni Lala, hindi ko alam kung nilulunok niya nalang ba ang kahihiyan o…nasanay na rin.

“You’re using it?” rinig ko ang boses ni Rade sa likod ko ilang sigundo ang lumipas, hindi na yata nakatiis at lumabas na. This is easy. He’s not mad. Phew.

Namaywang ako at nilingon siya sa supladong paraan. He was crossing his arms as he leaned against the side of the wall, his head resting as well. Binawi ko agad ang tingin ko, nagkasalubong ang kilay at natutunaw ang kunwari kong hindi na mahagilap na galit.

“Hindi. Pero baka kukunin mo na,” I communicated gently while splashing it with water.

“That’s yours,” aniya.

Akin na? Really? Umangat lamang ang kilay ko at tahimik na pinaliguan ang motorbike habang ramdam ko ang titig niya sa akin.

“As long as you’d drive it responsibly,” agap niya.

Gusto ko nga itong ibenta sa sobrang galit ko noon. Buti nalang nakapagtimpi ako. Baka magulat siya nasa junkshop na at sinangla ko tapos sa kanya ko ipapatubos.

“How’s your trip?” tanong niya.

“Ayos naman.” Matamlay ako doon. Wala lang…

“You had fun?” he interrogated, tilting his head and trying to see my expression.

“Oo.” Sobrang tamlay.

“You bought something for me?” tanong niya, mukhang alam na alam kung para saan iyon.

Hinaplos ko ang batok ko at marahang tumango. Hindi naman talaga ’yon para sa kanya. Pero…sige nalang. Baka gumaan ang loob niya.

“Peace offering?” he chuckled meaningfully.

Ngumuso ako. Oh damn it. I really knew it. Nakakahiya ah? Sana pala hindi perfume ang binili ko. Irita ko siyang nilingon ngunit nang makitang kagat ang labi, nakangisi, napawi ang galit ko. Hayop na mukha ’yan.

“Belated happy birthday, by the way,” he greeted me with no hint of being offended for what I did.

Tumango lang ako. Ayokong pag-usapan ’yang birthday na ’yan.

“You had fun,” at sa pananalita niya, parang kumpirmasyon na nakita niya nga ang mga post ng kaibigan ko.

Alam kong nanunuyo siya, pero ang makitang ganito siya ka pursigido, mas lalo akong nakokonsensya. Is he fine despite hurting? Coz…I’m not. I’m guilty about it.

“Ayaw ko sanang mag celebrate no’n. Kaso pinilit ako ng friends ko. Ayoko talaga sana pero ayun…” Wala na. Hugas kamay agad.

He nodded silently. “Mukha ka ngang napipilitan sa pictures. Ang laki ng ngiti eh. Lumalabas ang dimple.”

Gusto kong humagalpak pero pinigilan ko. He sounded so sarcastic that I knew he was taunting me.

“Hindi. Doon lang ’yon sa pictures. Pero pagkatapos no’n, matamlay ako. Hindi lang nakunan ng picture.” At ano bang pinaglalaban ko dito?

He nodded again, like he was trying to buy my excuse, but I could sense his controlled judgment.

“Hindi nga ako nagpost,” agap ko.

“You should post. I’d still like to see you having fun, you know…”

He’s really giving me a roller coaster ride of emotion. Imagine it: I was overthinking the whole time, worried he might be hurt and offended that I declined his offer, which I know hurts him, but despite it, he still wants to see me having fun?

Ito ata ’yung kuwento ni Rick na kahit masakit panoorin, ayos nalang basta masaya tingnan? Tang ina.

Akala ko kaya kong pahirapan, unti-unti kong napagtantong hindi pala. Ayoko no’n. Ayokong…maramdaman niya ’yon. I even regretted it right away.

“Ayos lang?” I asked gently.

He was shocked that I asked for his permission. I looked away and licked my lower lip. Fuck it. I’m trying to acknowledge that it wasn’t just my emotions that mattered here.

He nodded gently, too. “Ayos lang…”

Namaywang ako at tinitigan ang motorbike niya. Nahuli ko ang ngiti niya kaya kinunutan ko siya ng noo. I splashed him with water, and he squinted his eyes a bit, but he smiled more.

“What’s funny?” I arched my brow intimidatingly to at least show superiority.

He shook his head and stifled his smile. I rolled my eyes, but I was smiling too.

“Ako pa rin?” he tried to confirm shamelessly.

Humagalpak ako dahil ang kapal ng mukha niya. I splashed him with water, and he stepped backward a bit, chuckling a little and squinting his eyes.

“Nagmove-on na last January. Ikaw ang halata dito. Bakit? Ako pa rin?” mayabang ko siyang nginisihan pabalik.

He licked his lips and nodded confidently. “Still you.”

I burst out laughing. Tang ina! Bading! He crossed his arms again, smiling at me while leaning fully against the wall.

“Hindi ako easy to get,” sabi ko dahil baka akala niya purket natatawa ako ngayon…

He nodded again. “I can fight.”

I rolled my eyes, as I couldn’t stifle my smile anymore. Binasa ko siyang muli at siniguradong wala siyang choice kundi maghubad. And it seems like he finally gets my signals, or he just wants to show off too. He started unbuttoning his soaked shirt while his brow shot up, his eyes looking at me smugly.

Noong hinubad niya iyon at isinampay sa grills ng aming bintana, halos hindi ko matanggal ang tingin ko sa katawan niya.

He walked toward me. I realized I could never intimidate him. I’m confident with my toned body here since I go to the gym too, but I guess the air that he exudes—blazingly hot—is just too intense, which I could never top.

Sus ang yabang, Tejano. Kanino ka rin ba luluhod? Sa akin lang din naman. I said to myself to fuel my confidence here since his body is really something else, knowing he’s a bit taller than me.

I twisted my lips when I grazed my eyes on his body. Man…I don’t know if I’m insecure or if I’m amused that he’s this built perfectly. How could I even remain straight if his build could even bend a steel bar.

He took the hose in my hand gently. Namaywang ako at pinanood siyang itapat iyon sa motorbike niya. My eyes drifted to his back. Whews.

Hinuli niya ang titig ko at itinapat din ang hose sa dibdib ko. I chuckled a little. Ayos na sana kaso nakalimutan kong may makukulit na bubwit pala sa bahay na ’to. Noong nakita nila sa bintana ang pinaggagawa namin at nagbabasaan kami, patakbo silang nagsilabasan at nakisali, gusto ring maligo!

Tumili si Riri at natatawang nagtago sa likod ni Rade nang itinapat ko ang hose sa kanya. When Jester attempted to get the hose, I also splashed it at him while he was shouting and laughing hysterically as he ran on Rade’s back.

I laughed and splashed it on Rade’s chest instead. Kaso isang hablot niya lang ng hose, ako naman ang nabaliktad at binasa. Napuno pa ng tawanan ang garahe at kahit si Chiki, nadamay rin sa pagpapaligo dahil kinarga ni Riri.

“Ayan sila sir, oh!” si Lala na may hawak na phone, mukhang tumawag si dad at nag-ambang lumapit ngunit tinapatan din ng hose ni Jester kaya natatawang umatras.

Hindi nga lang kami nagtagal sa ganoon dahil baka sipunin ang dalawang makulit. They kept on giggling even after the game, as they didn’t want to separate from us because they thought we’d still play some games.

Kinagabihan, noong lumulubog na ang araw, nasa balkonahe na kaming apat. Nasa kandungan ko si Riri at kinakain ang fried chicken niya habang sinusuklay ko ang buhok, si Jester naman ay nakatayo sa nakaparteng mga hita ni Rade, nakatuko ang mga siko sa hita niya at naglalaro ng games sa phone mismo ni Rade.

I sipped on my own San Mig while Rade was drinking his own Sprite.

“Can we still go to the beach, kuya?” tanong ni Riri.

Tumingin agad ako kay Rade na naninimbang ang tingin sa akin.

“Kuya Mavric knows how to surf. Do you know how to surf too, Kuya Arki?” tanong ni Jester.

Rade shook his head and looked at me. “You should teach me how to ride it.”

At iba pa yata ang pagkakaintindi ko. Come to think of it. He’s been submissive lately. Baka…pag niyaya ko ito ulit ako na ang nasa itaas?

But it wasn’t really a big deal to me. It’s funny because I haven’t had any dirty thoughts about him lately. I don’t care about it anymore.

“Let’s go to Cloud Nine before class starts? Siargao trip for a week…” I offered.

Hindi siya nagdalawang isip na tumango. “Sure.”

Namilog ang mga mata ni Jester. “Really, kuya?!” tanong niya sa malawak na ngiti.

“Yup!” I answered enthusiastically.

“Kuya is so sad during our Siargao trip,” biglang sabi ni Jester, tiningala si Rade.

“How sad?” Angat ng kilay ni Rade, parang hindi kumbinsido dahil ang laki ng ngisi ko sa mga pictures.

“Super sad,” si Riri.

It was a childish and bubbly topic, but I really meant the trip. I wanted to make another trip just for the four of us before school starts. Hindi naman sa may kasalanan ako dito kaya bumabawi…pero parang ganoon na nga.

When the two couldn’t keep up with us and they were already sleepy, kami nalang ni Rade ang naiwan sa balkonahe. Finally…

“I’m sorry, by the way,” I cleared my throat while looking at the city lights.

I actually make a script in my head every night. Halos na memorize ko na dahil iyon lang ang tumatakbo lagi sa isip ko. I know I am not good with words, or apologizing at least, but if it could lessen whatever he was feeling, I’d explain here.

“I mean, I didn’t play behind your back either. Nauna kasing nagyaya that night ang friends ko, tapos napa oo agad ako kasi medyo…” nagselos din.

“I know. I got your message from the way you behave. You’re jealous, and you’re having a hard time understanding yourself again. But as much as I find it amusing that you were jealous too, that’s the least thing I want you to feel. Kasi wala naman akong ibang nagugustuhan.”

Ako lang? Gusto ko sanang idugtong kaso sasarilihin ko nalang ang kakapalan ng mukha ko.

“As long as you had fun and you enjoyed your own birthday, I’m fine with the decision you made,” he added calmly.

I scratched my nape and squinted my eyes a bit.

“You’re not…hurt?”

He shrugged. “I might ruin your mood if I force you to celebrate your birthday with me. You’re adjusting. Last year mo lang din nalaman. I know it’s hard for you…and I know that feeling. I’ve been there.”

I looked at him calmly. “Ilang taon kang nag-adjust sa akin noon?”

“Years.”

My eyes widened.

“You’re just too ignorant not to notice, but… I’d glare at you sometimes while judging you to the core.”

Nalaglag ang aking panga. Sinadya niya ba iyong binangga niya ako noong…nasa building ako ni Chloe? Gago? Kaya pala iba talaga ang pakiramdam ko sa kanya that time.

“Overreact if it hurts you, offends you, or even disappoints you. I’d acknowledge it if you treated me a little harsh, letting me know you were hurt, rather than hide it with those pretentious smiles and run away from it.”

Medyo huminahon ako, parang lulubog sa inuupuan dahil sa nararamdaman ko. With my churning and twisting stomach, I could almost feel those butterflies they were talking about.

“You remind me of the painful past—my mom’s dirt. If only I could ignore you for a lifetime, I’d do it. But I realized I…I really couldn’t. And I’m having a hard time sometimes. Pag nakikita kita…naiisip ko ’yung ginawa nila…” I smiled weakly and looked away.

I kept on dodging my feelings for him since I didn’t want to entertain them anymore after what happened.

Alam niya naman ’yun noon. I fell for him. Yes, I tried to move on, but I never tried to move forward. I couldn’t leave him behind me so easily that I was still hopeful he’d find me while I was so lost—just wanting to be found—only by him.

Umangat ang kilay niya. “Take your time. Don’t rush it. And I’m having fun seeing you sulking…”

I chuckled and pushed my head lightly at the back, ruffling my own hair. Tang inang kahihiyan.

“Damn it…” I whispered while smirking. “Parang tanga…”

“You don’t notice?” he pointed out the reason why I side-eyed him.

“You’re acknowledging you’re hurt. Or you’re…jealous. You don’t pretend anymore. You’re easy to read now, and that’s why I could easily respond to your emotions too. I could explain it right away since I could sense it now, unlike in the past when I was having a hard time as well.”

Kumalma ako. Well, I kind of realized it too. I’m more than obvious here compared to the past that I don’t overthink things. I just let it slip or hide it somewhere at the back of my head without even visiting it and acknowledging that it could evoke emotions in me.

But lately, I was trying to…at least face them, tackle them in my mind, and even voice it out—either to my friends or to his motorbike. And it feels lighter. It felt like I wasn’t carrying any baggage I had stored. It was refreshing and…well…embarrassing. But it felt good.

And I’m quite shocked that I’m this complicated when jealous, or a pain in the ass when mad, since I’ve never gotten mad or jealous. I suppressed it. Ngayon, nakakamangha na madrama din pala ako minsan. Nagtatampo din. At gustong sinusuyo.

“Don’t be afraid to sulk or be dramatic; I could deal with it. I told you I could fight.”

Nalaglag ang panga ko, kalaunan, humalakhak. I thought he meant about the other admirers, but I didn’t know it was him vs. my emotions? Oh damn it.

Humalukipkip ako ngunit nakangisi na sa kanya. He sipped on his Sprite, but he was side-eyeing me with confidence in his expression.

“You like it when I’m sulking? What were you thinking? I’m your baby?” I teased.

He chuckled. Mas lumawak ang ngisi ko nang matantong ang guwapo niya tumawa. Kaya talaga ang daming nagkakagusto eh.

Tumagilid ang ulo ko, nangingiti. “Kaya siguro balik ka nang balik dito kasi feeling mo may sinusuyo kang…boyfriend?”

Humagalpak si Rade. Natawa rin ako kahit pakiramdam ko wala namang nakakatawa. Ayaw niya ba?

“Why? Are you finally saying yes to me? I thought you weren’t easy to get?” He smirked cockily.

Ang yabang, ah? I rolled my eyes while my lips were still stretching.

“Hindi nga. Let’s bet? A year,” I bragged.

“We both know who’s gonna win here. Drop it,” he said languidly.

Ayaw maniwala! Kaya ko ’yang paabutin next year! Alam kong talo ako lagi sa mga bet namin pero maipapanalo ko ’to kung patigasan lang naman.

Umangat agad ang kilay ko. “The tables have turn now, Rade. You already lost,” I said confidently.

He rolled his eyes, but a light smirk was teasingly etched on his lips. I tilted my head so I could see a clearer view of his face. He side-eyed me, his eyes drifting on my lips.

“I’m in charge here,” I bragged more.

“If you want…” he nodded responsively.

“Tss. Anong if you want. Para mo lang akong pinagbigyan. You were the one who’s shooting your shot, which means I have the upper hand here.”

He nodded again. “Whatever you like.”

Humalakhak ako. He bit his lower lip while smiling too, and he sipped on his drink.

“Ako ang masusunod,” agap ko, ngiting ngiti at wala sa sariling sumimsim din sa inumin ko.

“I’m still having fun with your hide and seek, though. I’m curious where you’d hide aside from the garage and the garden…” aniya.

I spat my own drink and coughed. Tang ina? I grunted and cursed breathily, shutting my eyes closed and pushing my head backwards.

“Fuck!” Pakiramdam ko pulang pula ako sa kahihiyan. It’s horrifying to know that all this time, he knew?! Oh fuck?!

“What were you doing in your room? Sabi ni Lala sa sobrang linis, kahit daw bookshelf, naka alphabetical order ang titles. Were you that bored?” He chuckled.

Tang ina?! Humagalpak ako sa kahihiyan. His laugh mingled with my own aggressive laugh.

“You were sulking that much. Fucking cute,” he laughed a little.

“Hindi talaga ako ganito.” I shook my head desperately. “Unbothered ako.”

“Ahuh…” he nodded, but I could sense he wasn’t buying it.

I grunted and crouched on my parted thighs, chuckling out of embarrassment.

“Were you fine now? You could still sulk, you know. But include me. I’m kind of worried when you’re locking yourself alone in your room.”

Mas lumawak ang ngisi ko nang lingunin siya. At anong gagawin natin?

“Don’t get me wrong. I could help you fold your clothes too…” he teased more.

Napawi ang ngiti ko at umungol ulit sa kahihiyan, mariin ang pikit. Lala and her mouth! Pumapasok ’yon minsan sa kuwarto ko para kunin ang mga labahin at siguro napansin niya na sobrang linis ng kuwarto ko—organized pa sa organized. Akala ko ba ako ang kakampi niya rito? Bakit parang espiya din siya ni Rade? Gago. Nakakahiya talaga.

“You didn’t run away, though. Akala ko nga mangingibang bansa ka at doon na titira sa dad mo,” he pointed out.

“How am I supposed to run away if you’ve made me fall so hard,” I murmured.

He smiled cockily. “You’re not that heavy to catch. I got you, Evander. So don’t hold back. Fall harder.” At talagang ang yabang ni Tejano.

Pag ako ang nagyabang dito…tiklop siya.

Ilang oras yata akong hindi maka move-on doon na nanunuya rin ang mayabang na ngiti sa kanyang labi. It was already 9 p.m. when I walked him to his car. Naalala ko ang gift na binili para sa kanya kaya binigay ko na rin.

“Here,” bigay niya rin sa paper bag pagkatapos buksan ang back seat.

Sabi na. Akin talaga ’yung nabanggit ni Lala.

“Nag-abala ka pa. Pwede namang wala na,” I said and reached for it, a bit curious about what’s inside, but I forced myself not to open it right away.

“I’ll come here tomorrow again,” aniya.

I nodded without hesitation. “What time?”

He arched his brow as if he didn’t expect my response.

“Afternoon?”

Tumango ako. I roamed my eyes around, checking for any neighbors, but I guess I don’t even care if someone would see us right now talking like this intimately.

He leaned against his car, looking at me deeply—those meaningful eyes I’d get every time he wanted something from me.

“No more sulking?” he asked raspily.

I shook my head and stepped forward as I put my hand on the side of his arm while he was crossing his arms. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa labi niya. Namumungay niya akong tinitigan pabalik pero kita ko ang mayabang na kaonting ngisi sa labi niya.

“A year, huh?” he taunted.

As soon as I remembered it, I stepped backward, but before I could do it, he pulled my waist and laughed a little until I was near him again. Nakangisi akong umirap at nag-iwas ng tingin, gustong magsuplado, ngunit hindi talaga kaya.

“I missed you, Evander…” he whispered.

My insides were now twisting. Umaalon ang tiyan ko at halos pigilan ko lang ngumiti. He looked at me with a sexy smile, so I shut my eyes and bowed a bit as I laughed a little. Tang ina!

“Ang unbothered ah?” asar niya, ngiting ngiti.

Tejano and his fucking confidence!

“Bukas ulit. May isang taon ka pang hihintayin,” I said cockily, pulling myself before I’d drown completely in this addicting feeling.

“Make it a year. You can do it,” he stated cockily too.

Humagalpak ako. Ang yabang talaga! He thinks I can’t control myself? Let’s see who’s gonna be on his knees here. Humanda siya…

Chapter 38

Secret

Maingay ang GC para sa planadong malaking party, and as usual, sa bahay nila Angela ang venue. There’s gonna be a big party before school starts. Huling inom kuno kahit ang totoo, excuse lang ’yon para magparty talaga. But because we are used to it yearly before the school starts again, mahirap nang putulin.

Maverick Evander:

Angela sent you an invitation?

Rade Tejano:

Yes.

Ngumuso ako nang maalala ang Halloween party. We made a mess in his Land Cruiser. Isa pa, may kaguluhan din that time habang tulog na tulog siya.

Maverick Evander:

You’d come?

Rade Tejano:

I can’t fit in with your fun but I’ll be there.

Maverick Evander:

You can’t drink too much.

Rade Tejano:

Keep me entertain then.

I twisted my tongue against my mouth and chuckled a little. Damn. I missed the loud noise of Manila. I had fun with my summer vacation too. Medyo payapa siya kaysa sa ingay ng mga kaibigan ko.

“Kuya visit on weekends, okay?” si Jester habang tumutulong sa pag-iimpake ko.

I was relieved that he wasn’t too worried now, unlike the past months, when he’d worry if I’d be away again.

“Yup.” I ruffled his hair. “If something happened, what would you do?”

“I’ll make sure Riri is fine, and then call Kuya right away.”

I smiled while watching him fold my t-shirts messily and put them in my duffel bag. Gusto niyang makisali noong nadatnan akong nagtutupi kaya hinayaan ko na.

“Kuya Arki told me my Taekwondo session would start next month. He’d fetch me here and then we’d go to taekwondo classes. I’m excited.”

I smiled languidly. “Why do you want to train for taekwondo?”

“Because I wanna protect Riri. I promised…” mahina niyang banggit kaya natawa ako ng bahagya.

“Good boy. Don’t use it for violence, okay?”

Tumango agad siya. “Kuya Arki said, I should not use it for bullying. I could use it for defense, especially if someone tried to hurt me. And soon, once I’ll grow up, I’ll guard Riri, Kuya. I’ll grow up like you and Kuya Arki. I’ll be a responsible man…”

I showed my fist, which he enthusiastically bumped into mine.

“And…no more dark thoughts, Jest, please… Communicate. Call me. Tell me anything.” I reminded seriously.

He smiled and nodded. “Wala na, kuya. I won’t spend too much time on my iPad since Riri needs my help to take care of Chiki.”

Sobrang binibaby nga nila iyong tutang si Chiki. Para nang pinaka bunso na kahit si Riri, nagpapaka big girl na dahil kay Chiki.

“Kuya…” he looked at me hesitantly. Umawang ang labi niya, ngunit mabilis niyang itinikom at tinitigan ang tinutupi kong damit.

I crouched against my parted legs and looked at him seriously.

“Ano ’yon?”

Lumingon siya sa akin saglit ngunit binawi rin. I tilted my head and smiled.

“Ano?”

He sighed and looked at me defeatedly. “Do you still hate mommy? Galit ka sa kanya ’di ba?”

Medyo natigilan ako.

“She did something I hate, but I don’t hate her personally, just her action…” marahan kong paliwanag.

Kumunot ang noo niya. I licked my lips, determined to make a point since I think this is important so he could manage his hatred too.

“When you grow up, don’t let the people around you take you for granted when they hurt you. You can hate them despite being so close to you. You are free to hate them and never forgive them, depending on how they scarred you. But…if we overstep too, say, we’d lose our morals just to inflict the pain on them, that’s not right.”

Titig na titig si Jester sa akin.

“Mom made something unforgivable, which made me hate her. But…I still respect her as the woman who gave birth to me, who took care of me, and who sheltered me. Because she deserves that recognition, and I love her for that. But it doesn’t mean I will disregard the pain she inflicted on us…and use her goodness as an excuse to tolerate her. Mali ’yon, Jest.”

Tumango siya sa seryosong paraan.

“My…my emotion matters…” he echoed like something had told him about it and he remembered it. “That’s what Riri told me.”

Well, I know who’s behind that.

“Mommy is sad because I told her I hated her, Kuya. But she’s making time now. Same with Daddy.”

“So what do you feel now?”

He shrugged and looked at the t-shirts he piled.

“I forgave her and Daddy. I’m…happy. I hope it’s always like this.”

Ngumiti ako at muling ginulo ang buhok niya.

“I will make sure of it.”

He smiled sweetly. I opened my arms, and he immediately ran to my parted legs and giggled for a hug.

I guess what really matters to me now is to raise them differently and fill their childhood with happy memories so they can enjoy life even more. Once they grow up, if they fully understand our situation—having a broken family and my parents splitting up—they won’t feel lonely and abandoned. Despite our situation, we successfully managed to build a happy relationship with each other.

I may have failed as a brother countless times in the past with my lack of communication too; I tried to runaway from it and leave them behind, but I will make sure if things would fall exactly the second time around, they have me. I’d carry them and walk with them. I’d be there as a brother—not just physically but also emotionally.

Lumabas din kaming dalawa at nakita roon si Riri at Rade na nag-uusap. Nakayuko si Rade sa harap niya, hawak ang munti niyang kamay habang may sinusumbong na naman sa kanya si Riri dahil sa pagdaldal niya at ang isa niyang kamay ay inaakay si Chiki.

I saw how he was paying attention seriously while my sister was communicating with him. Does he…remember the little Chloe on Riri?

Binuksan ni Lala ang gate, sakto ring papasok ang kotse ni mommy lalo na’t sinabi ko sa kanya na magpapa-enroll na rin ako at babalik din naman dito para sa Siargao trip namin.

“Good evening,” Rade greeted.

Mommy smiled when she put her window down.

“Good evening! Mag-ingat kayo sa daan,” habilin ni mommy saka ako tiningnan.

I watched how Rade seemed to take my mom’s presence lightly. Hindi ko alam kung pinipilit niya ba na harapin si mom dahil sa akin o ano.

Lumingon si Rade sa mga kapatid ko at nagpaalam sa huling beses. Mommy smiled at me with her usual weary smile. Tumingin ako ulit sa mga kapatid ko at ginulo ang buhok ni Jester saka rin kami tuluyang pumasok ni Rade sa kotse niya.

Kumaway sila sa amin habang tumayo na si Lala sa likod nila, nanunuya ang ngiti at kumaway din.

Hindi napawi ang ngiti ko kahit umaalis na kami roon, malayo na at tiningnan ko nalang sila sa side mirror na kumakaway pa rin at lumabas pa sa gate.

Close naman ako sa mga kapatid ko noon pa man. But there was something about our closeness now that would never be broken so easily.

Tumunog ang harap at may sinagot na call si Rade saka lang ako nadistract lalo na’t lumalabas na rin kami sa subdivision.

“Chloe,” sambit ni Rade at nilingon ako.

I relaxed on my seat as I felt like I was suddenly in a hot seat, and Chloe’s judgmental eyes were now passing through the dashboard.

“Pumunta kana naman sa Batangas?” she sounded annoyed.

“Pabalik na sa Manila…” Rade said softly.

“Kuya! I told you, irereto kita sa mas guwapo! Huwag mo na ’yung sinusuyo! Kung galit siya, edi hayaan mo siya! Ang arte!”

What the?

“You’ve eaten your dinner?” he asked calmly, shifting it like he’s used to her being that dramatic.

Nilingon ko si Rade, halos umismid. Kapatid mong manang mana sa’yo.

“Yup! Nakikipagdate ako. Kanina…may dumaan na same vibes ni Mavric. Curly hair tapos may dimple. Hihingin ko sana ang number para ibigay sa’yo pero what if he’s straight? I mean…it’s hard to tell that boys are straight nowadays kasi sabi mo ’di ba, may mga kagaya niyo na hindi mahilig sa dress and make-ups?! O hindi man lang malambot at lalaking lalaki pa rin! I’m really shocked!”

I arched my brow and crossed my arms.

“I like the original one, Chloe…” Rade said shamelessly.

Chloe sighed defeatedly. “Galit pa rin ba siya?” marahan niyang tanong.

Rade glanced at me for a while. “He already calmed down.”

“Eh bakit may posted pictures siya na hindi ka kasama sa birthday niya? I told you! Ikakahiya ka niya! He would stick to those girls—”

“Hey,” I cut off since she’s judging me again.

“What?!” Halos ramdam ko ang gulat niya sa tili niya.

Rade squinted his eyes a bit. Bago pa ako may masabi, binaba na ni Chloe ang tawag.

Though I really don’t blame Chloe for her past statement about gays because I was once like that too. The term gay was already generalized as men being soft, feminine, and men who are crossdressing.

Lalo na’t noon, iniisip ko na ang mga bakla ay iyong palaging malambot, nagdadamit babae, at mahilig sa make-up. But I never thought that there were gays who didn’t dress womanly, wear make-up, or act femininely just to express themselves as gay. 

“Alam niyang pabalik balik ka sa Batangas?” tanong ko.

He nodded and licked his lips, looking at the rear view mirror for a while and overtaking the other cars.

“She…approved us?” I confirmed.

He smirked a little and side-eyed me. “Us? You already said yes?”

I cleared my throat and scoffed. “I mean…”

“She accepted it after a month. During February, she wanted to set me up on a date with a boy who has the same vibe like you. May dimple din ’yon,” he explained calmly while he looked at the road again.

Umangat ang kilay ko. So he’s dating? Kaya siguro natagalan siyang nagpakita sa akin? Summer na nagpakita kasi sumabit pa sa iba.

“I didn’t date anyone since I got busy adjusting to my new environment. If that’s what you’re thinking…” agap niya.

“You could date during those times, you know. I don’t mind.” I shrugged.

He nodded. “Okay…”

My brows shot up. He glanced at me again, checking my reaction, which made him smile a little.

“I didn’t date anyone,” he said with finality.

I cleared my throat and looked away. “I didn’t too…” I mumbled.

“You did?” he clarified.

Nagkasalubong ang kilay ko. Heck. I’m not really good with words. Hindi ba pwedeng sa performance nalang ako bumawi?

“I didn’t,” ulit ko, mayabang siyang nilingon. “I was moving on, but nothing really interests me. Lumipat eh.”

He took his eyes away from me, but the smug mingling on his expression was just too evident.

“You missed me during those days?” he asked.

I shrugged and looked away again. Ano bang gusto niyang marinig? Na siya lang ang laman ng isip ko araw araw? Na wala akong ibang nagugustuhan?

But then, when I realized that my lack of assurance was my main problem and the reason why my relationship failed, I calmed down. If I wanted this to work out, I should start being vocal, letting him know, and assuring him I am only interested in him.

Noon, tanggap ko na dapat isang paliwanag lang, maiintindihan kana agad. But I guess everyone has their own baggage that I should not invalidate either. If I wanted to be acknowledged, then…I should acknowledge them as well, that it wasn’t just me who had inner battles; it wasn’t just me who was trying my best, because for sure, they are too.

“Just you, Tejano,” I murmured raspily, my eyes boredly looking outside the window despite the growling in my stomach and the electrifying feeling in my body.

Natahimik siya. Unti-unti akong napangiti, halos pigilan pa, nang napagtantong iyon lang ang gusto niyang marinig. I slowly glanced at him, and he side-eyed me, trying to catch my eyes. I bit my lower lip to stifle my smile but failed as I leaned against my seat, looking at him softly.

“Just you,” ulit ko, mas klaro ngayon habang kumakawala ang kayabangan sa tinig ko.

He rolled his eyes, but a little smile was playfully peeking on his thin lips sexily.

I tilted my head to look at him teasingly. He arched his brow snobbishly, and his serious face looked intimidating as he side-eyed me again while I laughed. You like hearing that I’m into you, huh?

His expression softened until his eyes drifted to my dimple, while his lips were stretching for a smile again.

“Don’t distract me. I’m driving,” namamaos niyang sabi.

Nagpigil nalang ako ng nararamdaman at nakatingin sa labas ng bintana kahit pakiramdam ako, nakadapa na ako sa lupa dahil sa nararamdaman ko.

I knew it once he made a move and claimed his territory in my life, I’d be barking like an obedient dog again. I am this…in love with him. Kahit yata pilitin ko ang sariling huwag mahulog, maaakyat at maaakyat niya ako dahil alam niyang hinihintay ko lang siyang kunin ako ulit.

O alam niyang nahuhulog na ulit ako at malakas lamang ang kapit sa itaas, kaya hinahanap niya ang kiliti ko para tuluyan akong manghina at bumagsak ulit sa kanya.

Kaya siya pabalik balik. Sa bawat araw na nakikita ko, umuusbong na naman ang pananabik. It was his presence that was just so overwhelming. Wala pa ngang ginagawa…nakikiliti na ako. Ano pa kaya kung meron? I’d be on my knees again, for sure.

Well, aren’t I on my knees already?

I’m not trying to ignore our parents’ sins, but, as Rade stated, he wanted me to see him as an equal—both hurt and wounded—rather than an enemy simply because we are the result of those mistakes.

Enrollment was a bit calmer compared to last year or the previous ones. Kasama ko ulit ang boys at kumpara noon na pasulyap sulyap pa sa mga grupo ng girls, this time, we were all serious about processing our enrollment.

“Isang taon nalang pala, fully adults na tayo,” si Tyler nang akbayan ako.

Pare-parehas kaming graduating lahat, maliban kay Shiloh na third year pa this year. Maiiwan.

“Gusto ko ngang magpabagsak ng isang taon para bumalik,” si Brent na ikinahalakhak namin, lalo na’t alam namin kung bakit.

Sinamaan siya ng tingin ni Shiloh kaya ngumisi siya.

“What? I’m just worried for you. Sikat na sikat ka lately. Baka…” He arched his brow.

“Ayoko ng bobong boyfriend,” ani Shiloh.

We all teased Brent loudly, and Brent immediately arched his brow.

“Wala na. May gagraduate nang summa cum laude sa atin,” ani Rick.

“Tingnan mo, first day of school, hindi lang kilay ang susunugin ni Jarsdel,” si Ron.

“Brent’s bald moments during college,” halakhak ni Con.

“Dude, ipakita mo ang bangis mo sa Accounting. Go get that Latin honor for your baby,” I said.

Brent arched his brow while crossing his arms. “Pag naging summa ako, no more low-key?”

We loudly cheer for him again. Namula si Shiloh ngunit natatawa dahil sa pang-aasar namin. Brent was smirking giddily.

“Ang yabang ng summa! Anong klaseng summa ba ’yan? Summakabilang buhay?” si Tyler kaya naghagalpakan kami habang sinisipa siya ni Brent.

“Ipagmalaki mo na ’yan, Shiloh. Maawa ka. Baka mapaakyat na naman sa bundok,” si Con na ikinagalpak ulit namin nang maalala ang camp namin noong February.

The fucker is so petty when he’s jealous. Though I fully understand him now because I know I’m also dramatic when I’m jealous. Matatanggal talaga ang pagiging maangas mo kung selos na eh.

“Ako na, Brent. Ako na ang babagsak this year para mabantayan ko,” tukso ni Rick na mabilis inambahan ng sipa ni Brent na natatawa lang lumayo.

Rade Tejano:

I’m done enrolling.

Nangingiti akong nagtype ng reply habang lumalabas na kami para kumain, kung nasaan din ang mga girls.

Maverick Evander:

I’m done too. I’m heading outside with my friends to eat. You?

Pagpasok namin, mostly occupied agad ng mga students sa school na kakatapos lang din yata mag-enroll. I noticed some girls glancing at us and whispering, but I didn’t pay attention too much as I kept on glancing at the screen of my phone.

Tumabi ako kay Tyler na abala rin sa phone niya at may ka text. I looked at my own phone while the girls were immediately talking about the upcoming party on Sunday.

“Uy Rick, dalhin mo naman! Ipakilala mo kami!” the girls interrogated while grinning at him.

“Hindi mahilig sa party pero kukumbinsihin ko,” si Rick.

“Eh ikaw dude? It seems like you were courting someone special lately,” si Tyler nang tingnan ako.

Courting? Ako ang nililigawan, Tyler. I’m that special.

“Sa party. Pupunta ’yon,” sabi ko at hindi na sinali ang nasa isip ko.

“Baka Tejano pa rin ha?” the girls teased.

I grinned. They glared at me like they already expected that I’d crawl back on Chloe. Tss. Paano pa gagapang pabalik kung dapang dapa na ako doon sa isang Tejano?

“Gets ka rin namin, Mav. Ang ganda ni Chloe ah? Nangunguna sa nursing department kaya ’yon kasi napakaganda,” si Gabriella.

“Pag sinagot ka no’n, magpapaparty ako araw araw,” si Angela na nanghamon pa.

I smirked at Angela. Tinapik siya ni Gabriella.

“Pupunta ba ’yung Kuya?”

“Hindi ko alam pero binigyan ko na ng invitation sa gmail,” si Angela.

Rick was looking at me meaningfully, while Brent wasn’t paying too much attention since he was busy whispering things to Shiloh, whose brows were completely furrowed.

“Pero may narinig ako eh… I’m not sure ha kung totoo. May nireject daw siyang girl tapos sinabihan niyang he’s into…” Saka tiningnan ni Sheena si Brent.

“Into asshole? Oh boy,” si Tyler na umiling kaya naghagalpakan agad kami.

Natatawa siyang sinipa ni Brent sa ilalim ng table, showing his middle finger.

“I mean, he’s into men daw. Like…he might be bisexual? Hindi ko nga lang alam. Pero…that’s not impossible…” and Sheena looking at Brent again.

Brent arched his brow, then looked at me. I licked my lips while smirking. Si Rick, ngumingiwi rin habang nakatingin sa akin lalo na’t naririnig ko na sa isip ko ang kutya niya.

“What am I really? The main blueprint of everyone’s dirt?” iling ni Brent na pinagtawanan naming boys.

“Fruity si Rade?” Jessie asked, a bit shocked, medyo natawa saglit sa pagiging maingay din namin.

“Fruity ba ’yon? He smells like forest, Jess! God,” si Gabriella na tumirik pa ang mga mata.

“Nakakapagtaka din kaya siya. He’s not linked to any woman. What if lalaki pala talaga ang hilig niya?” si Mica.

“Hmm…Feeling ko nga may crush sa akin si Tejano. Ang lagkit makatingin minsan,” Tyler said shamelessly, and we ended up laughing. This feeler.

“Pero what if si Shiloh pala?” natatawang sabi ni Con, at si Brent na tumatawa, mabilis ang pagkapawi ng ngiti.

“What if you just keep that opinion to yourself, Con?” si Brent na hindi namin pinansin at mas inasar lang ito.

“Bro, I think we finally found the right man for Shiloh! Boto ako doon!” si Tyler.

“Mukhang seryoso lang sa pag-aaral ’yon. Walang pangit na past tungkol sa girls,” si Ron na tumatango-tango rin.

“Wala na si Jarsdel. Ipagpapalit na,” kutya ni Ron.

“Please don’t break up with me…” Tyler mimicked dramatically that Brent really threw his bonnet on Tyler’s face while we ended up laughing hysterically.

“Grabe Shiloh ha! Pag pati si Rade…” the girls.

Umiling agad si Shiloh, ngiting ngiti. “Hindi ah. Friends lang kami.”

“Pero what if ako talaga ’no?” singit ulit ni Tyler kaya natatawa kong siniko dahil hindi ko na natatansya ang kakapalan ng mukha niya. Balak pa akong palitan.

Rick looked at me again, as if he was aching to spill something that would create a bomb, but he just showed his sour expression at me.

My friends took his preference lightly, like it was shocking, but at the same time, it wasn’t really that big of a deal. Knowing Brent made them all shocked by his preference, it wouldn’t surprise them anymore if there were more men out there like him. Or like us.

Maverick Evander:

The girls heard you reject a woman and told her you’re into men? Is it true?

My heart was jumping lightly. Ayokong punahin pero hindi mabura bura ang ngiti ko nang dumiretso kami sa bahay nila Con just to chill and eat pizza provided by Tyler.

Rade Tejano:

Didn’t know it was a big deal.

Sus. Mayabang.

Maverick Evander:

So it’s true?

Rade Tejano:

We’re not private, just so you know. I’m not planning to hide you like a secret.

Damn him. He takes notes, huh? Because, as far as I remember, I told him one of my insecurities was that he was keeping me a secret. I admitted it boldly during that time I confessed.

Noong umamin ako, handang handa ako no’n na ipangalandakan ang meron sa amin. I was so damn prepared to kiss him publicly, hold hands with him, or show everyone how I’ve fallen for him, but not until that revelation happened.

I guess my feelings for him weren’t meant to be hidden, knowing how overwhelming he makes me feel. And I hate low-key relationships. Ayoko ring maramdaman niya na parang katulad lang ito ng dati, na may mali sa amin kaya kami nagtatago. At ako? Itatago niya? Mahiya siya.

Chapter 39

Sleep

When Sunday came, the party at Angela’s house finally happened. Maraming pumunta as usual. I could see some familiar faces, but there were some that were new. As I heard, mga taga ibang school daw na hindi na bago sa akin dahil marami naman talagang dumadayo sa parties namin for many reasons.

Rade Tejano:

I’m already here.

Napatayo ako nang wala sa oras. I wanted to go to him right then, but Angela pulled me somewhere for a while, asking for my help to guide the girls to the drinks inside.

Well, among us all, I have that welcoming vibe, something the girls get easily hooked on, since one smile and I could make their eyes flutter and convince them they’re safe in this place.

“Ah dito…if you girls want to use the bathroom, that corner,” I pointed in the other direction, where they glanced for a while, pero agad ding binalik sa akin.

“Ikaw si Evander? Maverick Evander?” one of them asked with a sweet smile on her lips.

I licked my lips and nodded, smiled a little, then pulled my phone out. Medyo namula ang pisngi ng babae na naglabas ako ng phone, as if she was anticipating something.

“Excuse me…” agap ko dahil ayoko namang magtagal doon at kung ano-ano namang magliparang rumor sa akin.

“Ay? Akala ko kukunin na ang number mo…” the girls from the back giggled.

“Balita ko manwhore daw ’yan eh. Marami daw girls.”

Maverick Evander:

Where are you? Inutusan ako ni Angela na ihatid ’yung girls sa drinks.

He replied right away.

Rade Tejano:

Yup. I saw it. Just enjoy the night. I have friends here too.

Friends. Right…I almost forgot he wasn’t that isolated. He got friends. Mostly in Verena’s circles, or…may bago kaya?

Maverick Evander:

You’d watch me dance or? Hahahahaha

Rade Tejano:

Go ahead. You’re a turn-on when you dance.

My stomach was now grumbling at the word he just used. Turn on. Man…I’m really on my knees when he’s like this. Superior and in charge. Fucking hot.

“Ang pogi talaga!” the girls were suddenly shrieking while looking somewhere.

I traced it and saw Rade entering with a group of friends as he conversed seriously with a man while he was wearing his usual get-up, buttoned-down shirt, sleeves were rolled till his arms, and boy, the three buttons were opened like he really knew it would add to his superiority.

“Baka ’yan ’yung boyfriend niya? I heard he’s into men?” the girls continued gossiping.

“What? He’s gay?”

“But he’s so fine though… and bagay sila. Pogi rin pala ang hilig niya.”

Umangat ang kilay ko at napasulyap sa kasama niyang lalaki. Matangkad. Maputi. And what caught my attention was its dimple while talking. Though his hair wasn’t curly like mine but…

’Yan ba ’yung gusto ni Chloe na ireto sa kapatid niya? Lalo na’t nabanggit din ni Rade na may dimple daw. Then…that must be him?

I’ve never been insecure in my entire life. Noon, pag may nagkakagusto rin sa gusto ko, wala lang naman sa akin. I would even not be unfazed if they’re that perfect, or even good-looking too. But to know that he got Chloe’s approval and that Rade was immediately linked to him, it cuts.

Simula noong inamin ko sa sarili ko na gusto ko si Rade sa malalim na paraan, parang kung nagkagusto siya sa bulate, o kahit sa ipis, pagseselosan ko dahil bakit may kahati ako sa atensyon niya. Damn it. This is crazy.

“Mavric!” biglang tawag ni Tyler. “Body shot, dude!” Hinila niya agad ako patungo roon.

“Hinahanap ka mostly ng girls. Let’s go,” aniya.

Pagdating sa pool area, may games na ngang nangyayari. It seems like my friends—mostly the boys—aren’t interested in this kind of fun anymore since they were just declining those girls who would utter their name. O hindi lang interesado kasi nasa iba na ang mga interest. Even Tyler wasn’t into it.

“Andito na!” si Tyler na itinuro ako at itinulak pa, gusto pa yata akong ialay dahil hindi sila game.

I chuckled and stepped to the center. The girls screamed like I was a damn sacrifice they were waiting. I wasn’t the killjoy type, but if I played tonight, someone would definitely kill me. Though I don’t want to be that friendly because I know it will stir some misunderstandings.

So I shook my head and gulped down a shot, which made my friends laugh.

“Tang ina! Sino ’yang kinahuhumalingan mo?” si Ron na sumigaw.

I only grinned and walked to the side again, while the girls were kind of disappointed. Siniko ako ni Angela at malawak ang ngisi.

“Nandito?” she confirmed.

I nodded and licked my lips. Her eyes widened and she chuckled. Nakita ko sa harap si Rade kasama ang circle niya, some were familiar since I think they were the engineering students too, but the man beside him remained while they conversed continuously.

Seryoso lang namang nag-uusap, pero…

“Sino ’yang kasama ni Tejano?” tanong ko kay Angela.

“Ah… ’yan? Si Asher? ’Yang may dimple?” Patingin tingin na rin si Angela doon.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Oo. Si Asher nga. Pretty boy ’no?”

Pretty…boy. I smiled and nodded too. “Guwapo nga. Your type?” I grinned to tease her.

Humalakhak siya. “Gago. Nadala na ako kay Shiloh at doon sa isa ’no. Baka magulat nalang ulit ako, nasa circle pala natin ang boyfriend? Hindi naman sa baka bisexual siya o ano pero ayoko na umasa.”

Tumawa rin ako hanggang nasulyapan ko ang tingin ni Rade. I licked my lower lip and looked at the ongoing fun.

“Rade Tejano,” isa sa girls ang nagrequest para sa body shot.

I crossed my arms and looked at him, who had just stepped into the front. The girls were gasping, like he was just that good-looking, and they couldn’t suppress their admiration for him.

If he’d do the body shot, it’s…okay. But I’ll double that year. Or triple it depends how he suck the alcohol off the girl’s skin. If he took the lemon out of her mouth, then he’d be crawling for a lifetime for my apology because I’ll…

“I’m taken,” anunsyo niya pagkatapos inumin ang shot na ikinalaglag ng panga ng mga girls.

Nevermind.

“Oh? Taken!” the girls in our group were one of those who dramatically reacted too.

I licked my lower lip and pinched it, stifling my smile. Taken with who? You should clear things up, you know. Someone is jealous here…

“Taken!” si Gabriella na isa ring nanghihinang suminghap. “Magbabading na ako. Ubos na ang lalaki sa mundong ’to.”

Humalakhak ako at nilingon siya sa likuran ko na madrama pang sumalampak sa sahig.

“Very dramatic, Gabriella! Tumayo ka,” natatawang si Angela.

Inakbayan ako ni Rick, malaki ang ngisi sa akin. “Akala ko magpapaligaw ka pa? Nabali ka rin agad?” pasimple niyang sabi, sapat lamang na ako ang makarinig.

I rolled my eyes while my lips stretched more.

“Baka nga hindi ako,” I murmured.

“Huh?” Humagalpak siya. “Ayan! Artehan mo pa! Sagot ko ang Alfonso.”

I elbowed him and laughed, too. Sa tumatagal na games, mas lalong nagiging klaro kung gaano ka ilap ang mga friends ko since no one dared to even lick or get a body shot at least, unlike in the past when most of us would be so down for it.

When Rade confirmed he’s taken, no one dared to include him anymore. He’s suddenly off-limits. Well, taken with who? That’s the problem there. Malay natin…may iba rin palang pinopormahan? Baka ’yang Asher?

Hindi na kami pumunta ni Tyler sa dancefloor at nasa gilid nalang ng pool, may hawak na red cups at bukas na ang mga butones ng shirt habang patingin tingin lang sa mga bisita.

When the chorus of the song I Took A Pill In Ibiza by Mike Posner boomed, I smoothly danced. Si Tyler ay swabe ring sumasayaw sa gilid ko, who’s boredly eyeing the surroundings too, like he was trying to find something entertaining but he couldn’t find one.

So when a girl just pulled herself out of the swimming pool with her white bikini and slender body and walked in front of us while squeezing her hair, sabay na bumaba ang mga mata namin ni Tyler sa pwet, saka ko rin iniwas ang tingin ko, at ganoon din si Tyler na nagkatinginan pa kami nang iniwas niya rin.

When our eyes locked, we ended up bursting.

“Let’s admit it, dude, ang ganda…” he said while laughing.

Natatawa akong tumango. “Yup.”

“Ayaw mo?” He challenged, like it reminded me of our past cycle where we’d immediately shoot our shot.

“Ikaw? Ayaw mo?” I arched my brow more competitively.

Humalakhak siya. I licked my lips and grinned.

“I think I’m too old to flirt around. Mas focus ako ngayon sa family business,” he reasoned seriously despite the slight smile stretching on his lips.

Humalakhak ako. “Ah family business…”

“I wish it’s summer again. I kind of like to be at the site all the time,” he murmured, lifting his head while blowing the strands of his hair.

Pumunta kami sa drinks para kumuha ng maiinom nang maubos iyon. Tyler went along with me to put another drink on his red cup while we were still talking about the business he’s been taking care lately nang tinapik ni Tyler ang balikat ko at napatingin na sa likod ko.

“Dude…tabi,” si Tyler na hinihila ako.

I glanced at my back and saw Rade together with that friend of his, who was probably gonna refill his empty drink too. Mukhang sinamahan ni Rade. Mabigat siguro dalhin. He’s just being a gentleman.

Tyler smiled at them welcomingly. “Hi bro…”

I chuckled lightly and elbowed Tyler. Kinagat niya ang nakangiting labi habang tumingin na iyong Asher sa amin at ngumiti ng kaonti, nagsasalin ng maiinom.

“Rade. Your cup,” iyong Asher na nilingon din si Rade.

I looked at Rade while there was still a smile on my lips.

“Can I?” Rade asked while looking at me.

Tumango agad si Tyler, akala niya siya ang tinanong. “Go ahead, dude! Pwede ’yan sa lahat! Just drink,” he encouraged while smiling.

Rade glared at him a bit, while I laughed at Tyler’s ignorance. Tumawa rin si Tyler at hinaplos ang batok.

“Ask your friend. I think it’s fine,” I teased while chuckling too.

Hinintay ni Asher na ilahad ni Rade ang baso niya ngunit umiling lang si Rade at mukhang tumanggi nang uminom. When they left, Tyler immediately elbowed me.

“Totoo, dude? Nakipagbalikan ka kay Chloe? Tejano seems tamed. Tanggap niya na?” he interrogated.

“Hindi ako nakipagbalikan,” sabi ko.

He laughed. “What? Then… who’s the Tejano you were talking about?”

“The brother?” I chuckled.

Humalakhak din siya. “The brother? Si Rade?”

Tumawa ako. Humagapak siya lalo at ilang sigundo yata kaming nagtatawanang dalawa hanggang unti-unting napawi ang ngiti niya at kumunot ang noo, tila ba may napagtanto siya.

“The…brother?” he tried to process it cluelessly. “Huh?”

I chuckled and tapped his shoulder as I walked to the other corner. Sa magkasalubong niyang kilay, alam kong nag-eerror pa sa isip niya ang sinabi ko.

“The brother?” I heard him ask himself.

I looked at my phone since Rade’s text flashed.

Tumunog ang aking phone para sa isang text kaya tiningnan ko ang screen.

Rade Tejano:

I wanna drink too.

Sumulyap ako kung nasaan siya at nakitang naglalahad na ’yung Asher ng inumin. Umangat ang kilay ko at nagtype ng reply.

Maverick Evander:

I’ll get you some drink. Follow me in the kitchen.

Tinapik ko ang balikat ni Tyler para magpaalam lalo na’t ayokong may knock-out na naman akong dadalhin sa itaas.

Inilingan ni Rade inilalahad na inumin sa kanya. Pumasok ulit ako sa loob ng bahay habang maingay pa rin ang sala at maraming nagsasayawan.

The punch has 80 percent alcohol. Pwede ko naman siyang painumin no’n but I really don’t trust his alcohol intolerance.

Binuksan ko ang fridge at naghanap ng pwede sa kanya. Ilang sandali lang, pumasok din siya. Wala naman masyadong tao rito lalo na’t mostly nandoon sa sala dahil nakalagay na lahat ng mga drinks at pagkain.

He walked toward me while I was opening a sprite for him.

“I meant alcohol,” he said, stopping beside me.

I smirked. “Edi…kinuha mo sana ’yung offer ng kaibigan mo?”

His brows shot up. He tilted his head while he was looking at me carefully as I poured the sprite into the tall glass with ice in it.

“You’re wearing my necklace,” saka inabot ng kanyang kamay at pinaglaruan ng kanyang mga daliri ang lace noong bigay niya.

There was something about his two fingers moving in waves, like he was fingering the air—or is it just my dirty mind because he was extra hot and sexy tonight?

“And you’re wearing the other scent?” I asked, confirming it since it was different from my own scent.

He tilted his head. “Smell it.”

This is why I’m shocked about him. He’s freaky sometimes. He’s that wild.

So I leaned closer, my eyes on his, while I tilted my head and let the tip of my nose graze on the skin of his neck.

It smelled nice on him as I let my teeth graze on it for a bit, my lips brushing on its skin as I sucked it to have a taste.

He made a low-rasping groan, which made me suck on it a little more, my tongue pressed on it, while his hand rested on my buttocks and his head against my shoulder.

“Mine,” I whispered territorially.

He made a low chuckle. “And who are you competing with, hmm?”

Hinanap niya agad ang mga mata ko, ngunit lumayo ako at itinulak siya ng bahagya hanggang makita ko ang titig niyang nag-aapoy na sa akin. I lazily smirked and handed him his own drink.

Noong may pumasok na iba sa kitchen, lumabas din naman kami. I could even see his eyes watching me from time to time, as he would always find where I was with his deep, sharp gaze.

Gumala gala lang ako. Nakikipag-usap sa mga kakilala, at susulyap ulit kay Rade habang mahuhuli ko siyang nakikipag-usap pa rin doon kay Asher, at huhulihin agad ang mga mata ko habang patuloy siyang nagsasalita.

So I took my eyes back and sipped on my drink while trying to pay attention to the topic despite being distracted again. Kaya noong tumunog ang phone ko, binigyan ko agad ang pansin.

Rade Tejano:

Come here and sulk on my lap instead.

I rolled my eyes while smiling as I typed a reply.

Maverick Evander:

Sulk my ass.

Rade Tejano:

I’ve memorized your jealous face. You’re not transparent, so it’s hard. But I could tell now.

Ngumuso ako.

Maverick Evander:

Yeah?

Rade Tejano:

Yup. So come here and sit on my lap, Evander. I’ll wipe it off.

I swirled my tongue against my mouth and lifted my gaze until I found his eyes looking at me. He parted his legs and leaned against the sofa while he intensely looked at me, like he was waiting for me to claim that territory in his lap.

I stifled my smile while the beating of my chest was now mingling with the beat of the song, Roses.

Hindi ko pinansin ang sinabi niya at nakihalubilo saglit. I took another drink for myself, which I lost count of, which I don’t mind since I’m not that low on tolerance, until I saw Rade, who was crowded by the girls.

Tumagilid ang ulo ko para silipin kung anong nangyayari lalo na’t talagang pinagkakaguluhan siya roon, parang hinihingi ang number o ano. I found him tilting his head, catching my eyes meaningfully, like a hunter luring its prey to its own capture.

I looked at my phone to check for his text.

Rade Tejano:

Come here, baby.

Umangat lalo ang kilay ko at napatitig ng ilang sigundo doon. Baby. So he has an endearment for me aside from that hot ‘Evander’ he calls me, huh? I tilted my head to keep him from getting crowded by the girls and saw that his friend was now whispering something to him, while the girls in front of him were continuously offering a phone despite shaking his head—probably too drunk to control themselves.

Hindi nga naman siniseryoso ng iba pag sinasabi niyang taken siya. Coz the others think he’s only making excuses to reject women. If he would clarify things, then he should be specific about whom he was taken with.

I sighed and finally decided to walk toward him. Noong nakita ako ni Rade na papalapit, mas sumandal siya sa sofa, titig na titig sa akin.

“Si Mavric,” siko ng mga girls nang mas lumapit ako.

I smiled at them. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko, nakita ko sila Angela na tumingin sa akin at gusto yata akong tawagin, ang boys din sa kabila na tumingin sa akin, gusto akong pagtawanan lalo na’t ang kapal ng mukha kong lumapit sa kapatid noong pinormahan ko noon.

I completely moved forward, and the other girls just moved away to give me enough space until I reached Rade’s parted thighs.

“Ano ’yan? Away ba ’yan?” I heard my circles interrogating.

“Nanghahamon ng away si Mav? At sa Tejano?”

Before they could jump to the conclusion that I was starting a fight here with this great Tejano, Rade pulled my waist until I turned my back and sat on his lap boyishly—like a lion who just found its own den.

Kitang kita ko ang reaksyon ng mga nasa paligid na nakatita. Tyler dropped his red cup, including his jaw, while his drink flowed like a fountain in his open mouth. Si Ron, naibuga ang inumin at naubo. Si Connor, halos lumuwa ang mga mata, Brent and Shiloh, who were on the other corner, and including Rick, just smiled at me proudly. Rinig ko pa ang hagalpak ni Rick.

“Ang yabang!” sigaw ni Rick.

“Oh my god?! Mavric?!” the girls in my circles were freaking out.

“What…the…hell… Tejano ginawa lang upuan ni Mavric?” si Tyler na namimilog pa rin ang mga mata.

“What is happening?” si Connor.

“Sila?”

“Gago? Hindi si Chloe? Si…Rade? Putang…ina?” si Gabriella.

“Ang tahi-tahimik ni Mavric pero ang bangis. Rade Tejano? Gago?” si Ron na malinaw sa pandinig ko sa lakas ng tinig.

“Alam ko naman na kakaiba pumorma si Mavric at mabangis umatake. Pero Rade Tejano?”

Everyone’s making a big deal out of it. Pero oo nga pala, si Rade Tejano ’to. And to know that he got me, it’s more shocking. Knowing I’m Maverick Evander…

Humalakhak si Rade sa aking tainga. “You want to show off who’s your boyfriend, huh?”

I side-eyed him. “You said you’re taken, but you didn’t mention a name. Sino ba ’yon? Is there another Maverick Evander here that you can’t say it?” I smirked back sarcastically.

He wrapped his arm around my stomach, the tip of his nose grazing on the side of my neck as he chuckled more while burying his face against it.

“I’m sorry. I’m just careful that you might not be ready to be seen with me. But I said it to assure you that…it’s just you. Only you,” namamaos niyang bulong, halos dasal na ang pagkakasambit at pintakan ng halik ang leeg ko.

And the girls who were trying to get his number stepped backwards with their dropped jaws and eyes widening as I completely leaned against his shoulder and smiled at them, tilting my head boyishly for whatever they wanted from Rade.

“What do you want from my boyfriend, girls?” I asked dominantly.

They shyly shook their heads and smiled awkwardly while walking away.

“They’re both gay?”

“Totoo ba? O lasing lang ako?” usap-usapan nila habang umaalis na.

May tumikhim sa gilid namin kaya napabaling ako sa kaibigan niya.

“Mavric, by the way, Asher,” pakilala ni Rade sa katabi niya na medyo nagulat ngunit may kaonting sumisilay na ngiti sa labi.

“Ito ba ’yon, Rade?” he chuckled and offered his hand.

I smiled and shook his hand too as I flashed my dimple. Ngumiti siya sa akin, lumabas din ang dimple. Mas ngumisi ako lalo at baka may isa pa palang dimple na lumabas sa kabila. Mahirap nang malamangan…

“Maverick Evander,” pakilala ko.

“I know. Quite a famous name…” he chuckled.

“Hindi naman…” I chuckled too.

Rade controlled my hand and sipped a bit from my red cup. Tinikman niya lang din iyon, mukhang walang balak malasing.

“Dude, slap me,” rinig ko ang tinig ni Tyler. “I think I’m daydreaming.”

“Kami na Tyler!” ang mga girls kaya sumulyap ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Sinakasal na ng mga girls si Tyler at si Gabriella, pinanggigigilan ang kulot na buhok ni Tyler.

Sumenyas si Angela at itinuro si Rade, mukhang gusto nila kaming lumapit doon.

“Let’s go to my circles…” sabi ko at tumayo.

Rade stood as well and excused us from his friend Asher, then his eyes drifted to my hand. I took his hand first, which he immediately grabbed too. Ngumisi ako roon at naglakad na sa circles ko, hinihila siya na nasa likod ko at sumusunod.

Pinagtitinginan kami. Every time their eyes would drop on our hand, their jaw would just drop.

“Si Mavric?”

“Paano ’yon nangyari? I thought it was Chloe?”

“Chloe is linked to someone else. Edi totoo talaga na si Mavric ang nagugustuhang lalaki ni Rade?”

“’Di ba may rumor na si Shiloh at Brent din daw?”

“Puro ba baliko ang nasa circles nila? Coz I heard even Reagan…”

Dumeritso ako kung nasaan ang circles ko. Gabriella was leering at me, like she was ready to murder me or whatever, while the girls were controlling their reactions.

“Alam naman namin na magkadugtong kayo ng bituka ni Brent minsan pero hindi ganito, Mav! Nakakagulat ka,” Gabriella whispered.

“Buti pa si Brent obvious. Eh ikaw? Ang tahi-tahimik mo pag tinatopic natatawa ka pa. Tapos malalaman namin…all this time…ikaw?” the girls whispered more.

“Mavric?! Totoo ba ’to?!” si Sheena na gusto pa akong kurutin.

“Sa lahat ng aahas sa amin, ikaw pa?! Tahi-tahimik mo tapos…” Gabriella leered more.

“Tejano na pala ang nagpapangiti sa’yo?!”

I chuckled and brushed my hair backwards.

“Patay na patay sa akin. Wala akong magagawa…” I bragged and shrugged, which made the girls playfully shake me.

“Ang yabang yabang! Pakilala mo na kami! Ikaw lang pala ang makakapagpaamo!” Angela elbowed me.

I laughed and glanced at Rade, pulling him more.

“These are my friends, by the way…”

Hindi ko pa lang tapos, isa isa nang naglahad ng kamay ang mga girls, ngiting ngiti at nag-uunahan sa harap niya. Gabriella was the first one to offer her hand, followed by the others, who were looking at him like he’s their longtime crush and they didn’t want to miss the chance.

Nang makalapit ako sa boys, naghiyawan agad sila at pinagkaguluhan ako.

“Rade Tejano?! As in Rade Tejano?! Ang yabang mo naman!” si Tyler na parang sasakalin pa ako.

“Bading na bading ’yan kay Tejano,” natatawang si Rick.

“How come I didn’t sense it?” si Tyler na pinaka gulat.

“Chloe Tejano, tapos Rade Tejano? Baka sundalo ka talaga noong past life mo, Mav? Talagang hindi ka nahiya at Rade Tejano huh?” si Ron.

“Congrats, Mavric. You’ve finally fallen, huh,” tukso ni Brent at malawak ang ngisi.

Ngiting ngiti rin si Shiloh sa akin. “Bagay na bagay kayo.”

Pag si Shiloh ang nagsabi, totoo ’yan. Bagay naman talaga kami. Walang ibang babagay sa kanya kundi ako lang.

“Magpakilala din tayo! Kilala ako niyan eh!” udyok ni Tyler na gustong gusto nang lumapit kay Rade na pinapaligiran pa rin ng mga girls.

When it was the boys turn, they also lent their hands one by one. Shiloh laughed and offered his hand too, but before Rade could take it, Brent offered his hand instead, boyishly. Nagtawanan kaming boys lalo na’t maangas niyang kinamayan si Rade.

“Hala si Jarsdel!” the girls laughed too.

“Bro! I think you are familiar with me…” si Tyler na ngiting ngiti na nag offer ng kamay.

Rade arched his brow intimidatingly. “You’re not.”

Humalakhak ako at gustong awatin si Tyler dahil alam kong hinding hindi siya paluluguran ni Rade.

“Cervando, dude…” si Tyler na talagang pursigido at humabol ang tingin kay Rade, inilalahad ulit ang kamay na nilagpasan na siya at dumeritso na sa pagkakamay kay Ron.

“Bro, enough…” I laughed and tried to shake his hand.

“Hindi Mav. Hindi ako natutuwa sa’yo. Halos katawan ko nakikita mo tapos naglilihim ka sa akin?” Tyler was about to headlock me, but Rade pulled me close to him.

Humagalpak sila nang mapansin iyon. Ngumisi  ako kay Tyler habang nakikipagkamay na si Rade kay Rick na nginisihan siya.

It was a chaotic moment, and my friends were eager to welcome him. Crush na crush ba naman ng mga girls. And most of the boys admire him, kaya talagang big deal sa circle namin. At Tejano eh. Pangalan niya pa lang kilala agad ng lahat dahil nga matalino at maganda ang tindig.

“He can’t. Low tolerance,” sabi ko nang naglahad ng shot si Rick nang magpasya kaming magsiupo na.

The others were still enjoying the party. May mga sumasayaw pa at naliligo sa pool habang kami itong nasa patio at dito ginawang lungga para kalmado nalang na mag-inuman.

“Alam mo bang malakas uminom si Mavric? Uumagahin kayo pero hindi pa rin ’yan lasing,” Tyler bragged, despite Rade treating him like a nonexistent species.

Rade just arched his brow coldly while the girls giggled with his small gestures. I would laugh at their reaction sometimes at ilang beses na yata akong sinisiko ni Gabriella, kulang nalang sakalin ako.

“Mav hindi kayo bagay. Masyadong perfect. Mas bagay siya sa akin,” si Gabriella na tinawanan agad namin.

“Matagal na ba kayo?” usisa ni Mica.

Tumingin lahat kay Rade. I crossed my arms and leaned against the seat. He should say since last year.

“Since Halloween…” Good answer.

Nalaglag ang panga nilang lahat maliban kay Rick, Shiloh at Brent na ngiting ngiti lang. Tyler even stood, like he suddenly had some flashbacks.

Tyler pointed at me as I could hear his internal scream of betrayal. “F.O. Mavric. Friendship over, dude.” He showed his middle finger.

Rade seemed to like it because of how he looked at me, like he wanted to hear that all this time, which made me laugh while the girls were gasping dramatically.

“Halloween pa lang?! Hala…oo nga! Same kayo ng costume! Oh my god!” ang mga girls na akala nila may nadiskubring yaman dahil sa mga reaksyon.

“Hoy ang galing magtago! May hindi nakakarelate!” parinig ni Sheena kaya humalakhak kaming lalo.

“What?” Brent overreacted.

Mas lalo kaming nagtawanan. See? Kaya nahuhuli ’yan kasi palpak! Or maybe he just doesn’t see his relationship with Shiloh as a secret. He doesn’t mind exposing it.

Rade leaned closer to whisper to me. Nasa labi ko pa ang ngiti dahil sa topic at sinikap lang na ibigay ang buong atensyon sa sasabihin niya habang nakikita ko ang pigil na kilig ng mga girls at ilingan ng mga boys—si Tyler na naibuga na naman ang inumin at sa mukha pa ni Ron kaya nagtawanan ang boys.

“Sleep in my place tonight,” bulong ni Rade na agad nagbigay sa akin ng ibang kahulugan.

I think we should leave. I’m suddenly sleepy.

Chapter 40

This is the last chapter of Over the Horizon. See you in the epilogue, Irys! — Warning: R-18

Addicted

“You’re drunk?” he asked while glancing at me from time to time.

Nagpaalam na kaming umalis. Ayaw pa sana ng girls pero sa huli, pinakawalan din kami dahil nagkukunwari na akong humihikab. Inaantok naman talaga ako, pero nawala agad noong nakaupo na sa front seat ng kotse niya at amoy na amoy ko siya.

Napangisi ako. “I’m not like you…”

He smirked a little and looked at the road again.

“Your friends are always loud,” aniya.

“Ah…naninibago ka ba?” tanong ko.

He shrugged. “My circles were loud sometimes, but most of us are invested in studying and school-related things.”

Naririnig ko naman na puro talaga matatalino ang nasa circles ni Verena. Most of them were serious types too, who seemed not to be into our kind of fun. Hindi ko nga lang maalala kung bakit unti-unti na silang pumapayag sa invites ni Angela. Or maybe it was because of Shiloh, since he’s the only one who’s linked to each of our groups.

“So your one year is now over?” ani Rade kaya napabaling ako at natawa.

“Shut it. We both know I wouldn’t make it.” I rolled my eyes as I laughed a little.

His little laugh joined my voice. “So the jealous Evander is quite territorial, huh…” he uttered with a rasp.

Kinagat ko ang nakangising labi at humalukipkip sa upuan habang dinadala ang tingin sa labas ng bintana.

Boyfriend. I don’t have any idea yet how relationships with men work, but I could tell it would be the best thing I’d ever have because it’s him.

Noon, pag naiisip kong magiging boyfriend ko siya, natatawa ako dahil parang hindi ko nakikita ang sarili ko sa ganoong relasyon. But now…it’s different. I could picture our days together, the kisses, the bond with my siblings, and the travels we’d make. Kakalagay lang ng label, pakiramdam ko, kahit pagtanda ko, nandiyan pa rin siya sa tabi ko.

For the first time, I pictured someone being with me until I’d get old. Iyong sigurado kana kung sino ang pahinga mo, na alam mo, kahit mag-aaway man, o mapapagod, siya pa rin ang pipiliin mo—ang uuwian mo.

As soon as we got to his place, I was already so fired up to do it that I didn’t need more of the talking. And it seems like it’s not just me who’s thirsty for him.

I grunted when, the next thing I knew, he pinned me on the wall as soon as we went in while I pulled his nape for a kiss. Wala man lang room tour! But that’s the least thing on my mind.

Sunod sunod iyon. Agresibo ngunit sinisigurado kong hindi ako nagmamadali. I was shoving my tongue in, thrusting it, then I’d suck it.

“My turn?” I asked in the middle of it.

“On top of me?” he countered, which made me laugh against his lips.

Pumikit ako, ngiting ngiti habang lumalandas ang halik niya sa panga ko, patungo sa leeg ko. His hands were already slipping into my pants until he squeezed my buttocks. My lips parted when he sucked the skin of my neck and pressed his bulge against mine, which electrified my body.

“Bakit ayaw mo? Scared you’d found out I could fuck you more than you could?” I bragged cockily.

He chuckled and pressed his lips against mine again, kissing me. “Let’s see?”

There. I knew he’d win again once he was that confident. But I’m also confident here. I’m too pent-up lately.

“You’re letting me?” medyo nagulat pa ako.

“I’m curious about your movements. Mayabang ka eh.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Now I’m suddenly fired up to make a point here. With my past experiences, I knew I’m good. But it seems like a graded performance, and he’d be watching my movements, which made me throb instead of being nervous.

Maaadik ’to sa akin. For sure, he’d beg to be the bottom once he got a taste of my performance.

Nakaupo siya sa dulo ng kama habang nakatayo ako sa harap ng nakaparte niyang mga hita. I unbuttoned it one by one while he was watching me intently, his eyes looking at me like I was his prey, which he didn’t want to get away from his own watch.

He pulled the belt of my pants until I leaned closely, his lips almost kissing my stomach.

“Pants,” he pointed out and looked down.

I unbuckled it to show him I’m this damn confident. Noong tuluyan ko iyong mahubad at titig na titig siya roon, mas lalong uminit ang katawan ko. He leaned forward and scraped his teeth on my stomach as if he were eating me out. I weakly knelt my knees on each side of him while he completely pulled me onto his lap.

I pushed him completely onto the bed and kissed him hungrily while hovering over him. Sabi nang ako!

I rained on his neck with wet kisses. I wanted to please him so badly, despite the throbbing feeling. At sa lasing ng titig niya, alam kong gustong gusto niya ang mga ginagawa ko.

I smirked when I looked up and bit his nipples before swirling my tongue with them. His left eye squinted a bit, his lips parting for a hoarse whimper. You like that, huh?

I palmed his boxers and scraped my teeth against his stomach, pulling his shaft out and wrapping my hand around it. I lowered myself more and let my shaft rub against his as I slowly grinded against it.

His expression darkened. I knew when he’s turned on because he would look like he’s furious. Humawak siya sa baywang ko ngunit kinuha ko ang kamay niya at ipinako sa ulo niya.

“No. I’m in charge here,” I said dominantly.

Sa pag-angat pa lang ng kilay niya, alam kong gusto niyang makipagkompetensya. So I kissed him indulgingly, biting and sucking his lower lip, thrusting my tongue into his mouth, and licking his lips again. His hand was now positioning my hardness against his so I could grind where he wanted it, as he was also thrusting it dryly at me.

I squinted my eyes and looked down. Fuck! I’m so into it that I feel like I would immediately burst if he touched me.

“Your fingers…” he whispered.

Wala sa sarili ko iyong ipinakita sa kanya. He shoved two of my fingers in his mouth, swirled his tongue, and then guided it in between his thighs.

Fuck. I know. So I entered it slowly. Titig na titig siya sa akin, ganoon din ako na sinisiguradong hindi iyon masakit. But then, when the pain etched on his face a bit, I throbbed uncontrollably when he shut his eyes helplessly and parted his lips.

There’s always that smug in his face I wanted to wipe off on that club. Gustong gusto kong palitan ng ibang ekspresyon iyon. And during those wet dreams I had, his helpless and pleading expression was the reason why I’d wake up with a full blast boner.

Ngayong nakikita ko sa ekspresyon niya kung gaano ko kagusto iyon, it triggered me to reach for the condoms scattered on the bed, bite them with my teeth on the side, then put them into me.

Ngunit palaban din si Rade at kumuha ng isa, nagsusuot. I arched my brow at him.

“I said I’m in charge here,” I reminded.

“Yeah. I’m just wearing one in case you can’t do me hard.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Ang yabang! Paiiyakin ko ’to sa kama. He’d beg for it countlessly with those glassy eyes I kept on dreaming about.

I pushed my fingers back into him. Nakatukod ang mga siko niya at pinapanood ako, nanghahamon ang titig. I leaned closer and licked his lower lip, smiling at him.

“That’s it?” he asked.

So I added another finger and pushed it to the brim, which made his eyes squint a bit. I grazed my teeth on his neck, bit his chin, and tilted my head as I shoved my tongue into his mouth.

He wrapped his arm around my waist and let me sit on his shaft as I slowly rode it while I continued to move my fingers.

Yumuko siya at kinagat ang dibdib ko. I grunted when it immediately aroused me. And with my hardness rubbing against his, I could no longer hold it.

“I think I can’t do this more,” I said, biting my lower lip, directing its tip to his hole, while he was bracing for it too. So when I slowly pushed it, and his expression looked so turned on, I was so fascinated that I wanted to do it slowly so I could pleasure myself with his reaction.

“I’ll fuck you slow,” I whispered.

He shoved his two fingers in his mouth, and the next thing I knew, he had already pressed them against mine too.

Suminghap ako na ikinalandas ng mayabang na ngiti sa labi niya.

“Then I’ll thrust it according to your movement…” aniya.

Fuck it! I’m getting fingered while…oh fuck it! This unpredictable Tejano!

I slowly thrust it, watching his reaction, while he was slowly thrusting his fingers too. Suminghap ako, halos mapagtantong hindi ako natutuwa na binabagalan niya rin ang kanya. I was suddenly craving his roughness! So I needed to slam it hard, to thrust it aggressively, so he would do the same thing to me!

I’m not even sure if he would like it rough or if I would not hurt him since he felt so tight, but this one seems to like getting wrecked.

“Goddamn…” I whimpered addictingly when he felt so hot inside.

He looked so sensual when he growled, his lips parting for my ruthless thrust, while he tried so hard to look at me, despite his eyes almost wanting to close, but he didn’t. It was like his greatest pleasure to see my face, to have that satisfaction that he’s making me pull that erotic expression, that he’s the only one who could make me so crazy in bed.

I growled against his ear when he fingered me expertly, hitting the spots that coaxed me to slam and thrust savagely, to fuck him with no restraint at all, that he doesn’t want it slow, and he was craving my roughness too.

I could feel it all at once until I exploded, trembling uncontrollably as I grunted like a hurt animal, but the beast seemed so heartless that he pulled my shaft out and pushed his full hardness to the brim into mine.

I grunted from the intense pleasure since I wasn’t just exploding, but I am now twitching as I squinted in the middle of my orgasm because of the sudden penetration he did to me, while he found a way to delay it torturously as I could no longer stop from how intense it was with his continuous thrust.

I was too loud, grunting and crying from both pain and pleasure as he rammed it continuously. His hands controlled my waist while he bit his lips, looking at it darkly, like it was his damn pleasure to see me lose my mind only for him.

When I sensed that he was almost in his explosion too, his veins popping out of his neck when he lifted his head a bit, his face reddening, his little raspy growl while the lust was completely etched on his furious—sensual—face, as soon as he pulled it out, I shoved my mouth in his throbbing hardness, which made him grunt loudly.

He pushed my head deeper, his hands gripping my hair while he slowly moved, as the liquid poured out of my mouth while I was gagging from its intensity.

But I don’t care. It was part of the process where you didn’t want to end the pleasure, so you wanted to delay it. And to see him shutting his eyes like he just reached the peak of heaven—his veins popping out, lips parting—it made me so hard that I needed to ram it back on him again.

He growled and wanted to rise, but I put my hand against his neck and looked at him savagely, fully in control that I wanted to see him lose his mind too.

I fuck him hard, fast, and wild. Sunod sunod iyon. Halos nanggigigil ako, marahas ang bawat galaw habang nasa kalagitnaan siya ng pagyanig ng kanyang mundo at sinisigurado kong sagad na sagad ang galaw ko.

“Fuck, Evander!” he growled weakly.

Yes. That’s it. Moan for me. Be loud, Tejano. I’ve been fucking dying to hear you scream, to see you under me, to be this in charge, to make you writh in too much pleasure. I brushed my fingers against my hair and smirked with satisfaction.

The bed was creaking, and the vase on the side table just smashed to the floor. But we both don’t care. Humahampas na ang kama sa pader, at parang masisira na ang matres sa rahas ng mga galaw namin.

No one wants to surrender. I will show him I could be in charge too, that I could shatter him in the middle of his orgasm like it was his sweetest downfall, and fix his world for him right after I send him to heaven again.

I want that effect, where the pain would be his greatest pleasure, and the pleasure would blind him to the core so that he would realize I would never survive on this—on us. This is gonna be my own sanctuary, his hand not just as a leash on my throat, but my own shelter and comfort.

I was already sitting on him, gripping the steel bar of the headboard of the bed, while it was his turn this time, and he was hitting it to the brim. The slapping sound was so horrifying that someone was getting smacked continuously. Marahas at gigil na gigil siya, magkasalubong ang kilay, kagat ang pang-ibabang labi, at titig na titig sa akin sa senswal na paraan.

I felt like he’d beat the shit out of me, like he would completely snap me tonight until I could no longer walk out or even crawl, because he would make sure this was gonna be my sweetest downfall too.

I’d shove it to him, fuck him according to my limit, and once it was his turn, he’d make sure I’d be screaming and crying, almost pleading to stop it, but at the same time, coaxing him to do me harder, to drain my energy, to fuck me senselessly until I passed out. Because it’s my own greatest pleasure when he’s rough. When he’s ruthless. It makes me twitch and cry.

We did it in all positions, which fascinates me that I was that flexible. Pakiramdam ko may nadiscover akong talent. I think I could be a gymnast in terms of how I could easily bend for him and open my legs wide for him.

Nine rounds knocked me out. Naubos din namin lahat ng condoms. He was still hard, while I was now lying on my stomach, fully tired and panting for my life. Gusto ko pa sanang gumapang sa itaas niya para nasa akin ang huling halakhak kaso kahit ang kayabangan ko, sumuko na yata sa akin.

Matatalo ko nga sa inuman, pero kung sa ganitong usapan, natuyo at nawalan nalang siguro ako ng tubig sa katawan, siya, kaya pa ring magtagal ng dalawang araw. His stamina is monstrous!

“You only did me four times. I did you five times. No more?” At gusto pa niya!

Tang ina! Ayoko nang makipagkompetensya! Pinagbigyan nga ako, pero ganito naman ka tindi ang nararanasan ko. Ang hirap yabangan.

Though I knew he was satisfied with my performance, pero ayaw magpatalo. Halata namang sarap na sarap siya.

“Bahala ka. Pagod na ako.” I finally reach my limit. Basta alam ko dito, siya ang patay na patay sa akin. Handa siyang lumuhod para sa akin. That’s it.

At may…ibang araw pa naman. Maiisahan ko rin siya.

“Let’s fuck slow this time?” He hovered behind me; the tip was now taunting on my entrance.

I thought he didn’t like it slow? But then, I was already bracing that he would enter it, but instead, he positioned me to the side, slid it in between my legs, and rubbed it against my shaft.

I looked down and clasped it together so it would directly rub in mine while he slowly moved, his lips on my earlobe, kissing me ticklishly. He whimpered against my ear in a rasp, while his hands were now thumbing my nipples, biting and sucking my neck as I grunted at how it slowly stimulated me again.

“I’ll enter?” he whispered raspily.

Pumipikit pikit na ako, ninanamnam iyon. Ni hindi ko na namalayang nakapagsuot na ulit siya ng condom. That’s why, when he slowly penetrated me again, I already exploded because I was still too sensitive from our last intense fucking.

“Dammit,” I grunted unbelievably.

He chuckled against my ear and moved slow. “Yeah, damn it, Evander…”

He cupped my jaw; his other hand wrapped it around my shaft, his lips grazing on my neck. I reached for the phone with my trembling hand and clicked the camera until I saw my sensual face. So I clicked it while he was behind me, peeking like a wolf who would only come out of the darkness once he’d been summoned out by his master.

He angled my face so he could kiss me as my eyes remained on the camera, and I’ve seen how his tongue slipped into my mouth. I smiled against it to capture my dimple too. Lalo na’t burado pa naman lahat ng memories ko sa kanya noon.

I realized I really couldn’t match his stamina. But to see him sleeping peacefully the next day beside me out of exhaustion, I guess I like it that way. He’d drain his whole energy, and I could see him sleeping like this.

I could feel the tingling sensation in my ass as I was about to reach for my phone on the nightstand when I noticed a sketch pad. Kinuha ko iyon at may naisip.

Naalala ko paano niya pinuna ang design ko noon sa two-story house. I distracted him since that house was actually how I felt about our house. The less furniture was used as my own metaphor for what I felt with my family. Hindi ko nilagyan ng furniture dahil pakiramdam ko, wala naman sila lagi sa bahay at walang gagamit no’n. The furniture makes the house feel like home because it was intended for a family to feel cozy. But right now…I realize things.

I drew the house I imagined, with a smile on my lips and a sight of Rade facing my side while hugging the pillow as he was peacefully sleeping with a white sheet covering his back down to his legs.

I might be an architecture student, but I guess my failures or my mediocre designs of a house came from the lack of affection I felt for what it should look like. Lagi akong nasasabon ng prof ko kung bakit ’yung designs ko, walang kaemo-emosyon. It’s plainly dull.

At first, I kept on questioning if sketching should look emotional when it’s just a design, unless it was built. But as my perceptions changed and I experienced things lately, I learned that a home could even exist despite the absence of furniture—or even the house itself.

Unti-unting dumilat ang mga mata ni Rade at nahulog agad ang tingin sa aking ginagawa. I smiled at him.

“Morning.”

He raised his brow unexpectedly. “Morning,” he greeted in his raw, with a raspy, low voice.

“You’re still here,” aniya, tila ba nakakagulat iyon.

I laughed. “Ah? Bawal ba ako rito?”

“I mean…you always get out of bed after doing it.”

I realized it too when I slowly tried to think of it. I shrugged and continued sketching until he faced me fully, his elbow resting against the matress while the side of his head were on his knuckles as he watched me quietly.

Tumingin ako saglit sa dibdib niya, at nang makita ang maraming pulang pantal, nakangisi kong dinala ang tingin sa dibdib ko at marami din akong ganoon. We were so messy last night that I thought if the world ended, we wouldn’t even make it alive because we were already too exhausted.

He reached for my chin and rubbed my lower lip. Binuksan ko ang aking baba at kinagat ang daliri niya. Rade shoved two fingers, so I sucked it while he was seriously watching me.

“Boyfriend,” he murmured raspily.

I glanced at him.

“I am your boyfriend,” he added hoarsely.

My brows shot up, and I swirled my tongue against his fingers first before taking it out.

“I’m saying yes since I think you can’t survive that one year…” I slightly smirked.

He closed his eyes and laughed. Nangingiti akong tumingin sa kanyang mukha, gustong kwestyunin ang Panginoon kung bakit parang may perpekto siyang ginawa. Am I that good-looking too when I laugh? But then, I am the most perfect one here since I could make him laugh like that.

“Ako talaga?” namamaos niyang halakhak at ngiting ngiti. “With your thirst, it’s obvious who can’t survive here…”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, putting my attention back on my sketch, and he also put his attention to it. I felt his hand crawl to my back while he was ticklishly scratching it, his eyes on my drawing.

“That’s us,” aniya.

I nodded. “Yup. I like that memory we had from the garage with Riri and Jest. Then… this is Chiki and Lala smiling on the window of the house.” Isa isa kong itinuro iyon.

Ginuhit ko ang scene na iyon. It was so vivid in my mind that I can picture it out beautifully in front of my dream house—ours.

“This is what a home felt like…” I smiled languidly. “Without the furniture or the interior design, but with the soft laughs of my siblings…and the one I’m in love with, I know it felt like home…”

He stared at me. “You’re in love with me,” he echoed in a statement.

“I am. I am in love with you. And if I needed to bend myself just so I could be with you, I’d do it.”

“In other words—”

“Gay. For you,” I said proudly.

I might have been too shy to admit it from the past or utter it like there was something wrong with the word that admitting I am gay seems like a crime—a sin I wanted to hide, but to be this in love with him, to feel this comfort—this sanctuary that felt like home—I know I finally found myself. I am not lost anymore. And I would never run away from this—not ever.

“I’m in love with you,” he said as he looked at me gently.

“I know. Patay na patay ka sa akin?”

He laughed and licked his lips. Ah…I’d really give everything to see and hear him laugh like that over and over.

He looked at the sketch in awe. Hinagod niya iyon ng haplos at kita ko sa mga mata niya ang pagkakamangha.

“I confirmed you were into details when I compared your output during your first year and your third year. Doon ko mas unti-unting naintindihan na napapansin mo ang mga nasa paligid mo, pero mas gusto mong tingnan sila sa paraang hindi mabigat, o sa paraang hindi ka masasaktan,” aniya.

I remembered how he pointed out that I was so eager to distract him and jumbled his ideas so he wouldn’t think I was that…scarred by my own family.

“You were too mysterious. I might have judged you a lot of times, but maybe I just confused the moon with the sun just because it shines so bright…”

Tinitigan ko siya nang matagal. He looked at me passionately, his eyes speaking all of the emotions I could almost recognize.

“I haven’t realized you’ve been living in the darkness for so long just because you were so…blinding.”

I laughed heartily. “Mukha lang akong unbothered pero hindi naman robot. I just…couldn’t cry. Or I don’t want to cry since I would remember my memory with my father.”

“Ngayon? Tanggap mo na ba?” maingat niyang tanong.

Tumango ako at ngumiti. “Truth is…the first time you offered it, I got curious because I was suspecting my father is gay. I want to find an answer. Like, how did he turn one. Because maybe if I put myself in his shoes just for a day, I’d finally understand him.”

“You don’t need to join him just to understand him…” marahan niyang sabi.

Tumango ako at binasa ang pang-ibabang labi.

“I know. It’s all about respect. But you know, what is respect without acceptance? Doon ako dehado. And I tried to build it first, slowly…through…” I stopped when Brent and Shiloh weren’t fully out yet.

“Shiloh and his boyfriend?” siya ang dumugtong.

“Alam mo?”

Tumango siya. “Everyone in our circles knew since he said that his boyfriend is quite possessive.”

Nalaglag ang panga ko. Really? Buong akala ni Brent nililihim siya ni Shiloh, pero ang totoo…bulgar naman pala ang relasyon nila sa ibang circle ni Shiloh? Pag nalaman ’to ni Jarsdel, baka kahit sa pagtulog nakangiti ’yon.

And to know Shiloh is comfortable with them shows they’re not that problematic. He’s loved.

“Nagbago ’yon for Shiloh,” sabi ko nang pabanguhin naman ang circles naming ang dami yatang nakalantad na baho sa kanila.

“I could sense it. He’s suddenly acting like the girls don’t exist, unlike in the past.”

Humalakhak ako. He looked at me like I had no right to laugh, knowing I’m just like Brent too.

“Oo. Gago si Brent, yes, but that was the first time I’d seen him court someone seriously. Patiently. Knowing how he easily loses interest with girls… and yet with Shiloh, the fucker looked like he has a lifetime of patience reserved for Shiloh.”

Naalala ko pa kung gaano ka ilap lagi si Shiloh. He won’t even make eye contact with Brent. Kakausapin ni Brent minsan pero tahimik na lalayo, akala mo walang nag-eexist na Brent sa mundo niya.

Maybe Brent is really careful not to make him angry because he’s that hard to please. Hindi pa ’yon clingy.

Tiningnan niya ulit ang sketch pad. “Design the house you want. Let’s make good use of your course.”

“Why? You’d build it for your boyfriend?” I teased.

“That’s the plan.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Wow. Really? I got suddenly excited that I was already doing it while he was silently watching me, snatching my fingers lightly as he would play with it, but then I would pull it back to draw again until he would silently look at it.

Kinagat ko ang aking labi, nangingiting nagsketch dahil naaaliw ako sa mga maliliit niyang pang-iistorbo. He looked so patient waiting for my hand that, as he yawned while watching me sketch, I flipped my position and leaned against the headboard of the bed to give him comfortable access on my lap. Para bang iyon lang ang hinihintay niya dahil gumalaw agad siya at pakulob na humiga sa kandungan ko habang nakayakap sa aking baywang, pumipikit pikit habang ginagawa na akong unan.

I chuckled and ruffled his soft hair for a bit. I could imagine our mornings like this.

His hand searched for my empty hand, so I let our fingers intertwine until he finally calmed down. Hindi tuloy ako makapagsketch dahil naaaliw din akong hawakan siya.

I took my phone to the bed and took a photo of his back while he was resting his head against my lap. Kita kung gaano ka lapad ang likod niya, ang nakahulmang biceps dahil sa pagyakap niya sa aking baywang, ang anggulo ng matangos niyang ilong lalo na’t nakaharap siya sa gilid, at ang pagsalikop niya sa aming mga kamay.

I smirked and put it on my Instagram story with a simple “good morning” caption.

“What’s your plan? Babalik ka sa apartment mo?” tanong niya habang abala ako sa phone ko.

Hindi agad ako nakasagot kaya umahon ang kanyang ulo at naabutan akong nakangisi sa phone. Before he could lift himself to take a look at my screen, I had already shown it to him.

“Should I mention you?” tanong ko.

He nodded slowly and buried his face back on my lap, his hug tightening a bit. I smirked more because I knew he liked it.

“You can live here,” he murmured continuously. “We can get your things…and I’ll drive you to school every day.”

“Pwede rin. You might miss your boyfriend, so it’s better if we’d stick together…” sabi ko.

He chuckled lightly. “I’m doing you a favor, Evander.”

What I noticed about him was his smooth clinginess. He likes cuddles. He’s touchy. But he was the kind of touchy that would look at you meaningfully until you’d melt under him and agree to whatever he wanted.

And fuck it, it’s making me crave the things I’m not fond of.

Sa halip na tapusin ang sketch o tingnan ang mga messages sa maingay na notifications sa phone ko, tinabihan ko siya hanggang dumilat siya dahil nadisturbo ko ang posisyon niya, titig na titig sa akin.

“Sleepy?” I asked.

“Not really. Come here.” He pulled me more, making sure there’s no space between us.

Ngumiti ako at nahuli agad ang tingin niyang tumingin sa dimple ko. So I leaned closer, looked into his eyes, and then brushed my lips on his without taking my gaze off him.

His eyes softened, and he drunkenly brushed his lips with mine. I slightly laugh while kissing him more, shoving my tongue a little, and sucking it lightly.

“You like my kisses?” I asked in the middle of it.

He sighed against my mouth. “Addicted to it…” he whispered.

I chuckled and kissed him more, my brows furrowed while indulging it, making sure that I’d be the sweetest thing he’d ever taste.

“Good, Tejano. Because I’ll make sure you won’t recover from it.”

Not ever.

Epilogue

Hello, irys! Thank you so much for supporting the second installment of the Strawberries and Cigarettes Series, which I started around the 27th of June—Pride Month, and now Over the Horizon is finally completed. Again, this timeline will continue in the next third installment, an extension of their stories, and this series will evolve around them, including the other characters that were slowly revealed in each book.

And yes, I am planning to write GL in this series, but with no definite order yet.

Thank you for supporting Rade Archiel Tejano and Maverick Evander’s wild love! See you in the third installment of the SAC Series!

You can also follow my Spotify Julienne Mari for their playlist! —-

Trigger Warning: Homophobic remarks, R-18 and violence.

Warm

“Ang oa niya! Pwe!” My sister overreacted dramatically as soon as she found out I’d been visiting him in Batangas lately.

I sighed. She was invested. Though I’m thankful now that she has already calmed down, hearing her rant about how she finds Mavric’s action overreacting bothers me.

“It’s valid, Chloe,” sabi ko habang nasa apartment siya, bumisita at nagdala ng fruits.

Namaywang siya habang nagluluto ako. She was in her puff sleeve dress while her hair was in a half ponytail, and her thick brows were knitting furiously.

“Maarte kamo siya. Bakit ka niya iniiwasan? What for? Hindi ba siya aware na mas matagal kang nagtiis sa nangyari?” she ranted more, her expression getting annoyed with each second.

I arched my brow. Mavric takes things lightly. Since day one. Or he’s always unbothered. Cool. Smooth. Kung hangin pa, malamig lang at presko. But to see the calm wind turning into a typhoon, I knew it hurt him.

“You know that would happen. He would distance,” sabi ko habang nililipat na sa strainer ang mga hiniwang manok na lulutuin.

She sighed defeatedly and leaned against the sink; her eyes calmed down a bit. Ngayong lumayo nga sa akin, galit naman siya.

“Gano’n naman kasi ’yan siya, kuya. Noon pa. He doesn’t like complicated things. Kaya nga hindi kami nag work-out because I am complicated,” banayad niyang sabi.

Hindi ako tumingin sa kanya, tahimik lamang siyang pinakinggan. Somehow, she had memorized his facade. But I memorized what’s behind it. It’s depth. His flaws. And his…scar.

“You two might have worked out if one of you had the courage to lower your pride,” sabi ko.

She leered at me. “What? I’ll bend for him? When you taught me to never lower my standard…”

I glanced and smirked at her because I find it adorable. She leered even more.

“And you…bent?!”

I licked my lips and chuckled a bit. She groaned frustratingly.

“You lower your standard! You bent! You…out of all people, fell in love with someone you told me to be careful! He’s a total red flag!”

I shrugged. Well, I underestimated that Evander. I took him lightly. I didn’t know fresh air could turn into a sudden tornado. He caught me.

“He reminds us of daddy!” giit niya, medyo agresibo na naman ang tinig.

My shoulder loosened. “He’s not, Chloe.”

“He has plenty of girls!” she whined.

Umiling ako. “Misunderstood. Friendly. And…” I arched my brow meaningfully.

Mas lalong nanliit ang mga mata niya sa akin. I continued what I was doing while mentioning my father triggered some memories from the past.

Bata pa lamang kami ni Chloe, nakita na namin kung gaano ka playboy si dad.

“Shut up!” My father growled thunderously.

Kakauwi pa lang nila, pero sigawan agad. Ang ambang pagtakbo ni Chloe para salubungin si Mommy ay mabilis na tumigil. I immediately pulled my three-year-old sister because I knew what would happen.

“You’re so disgusting, Anthony! Maraming nakakita! Itatanggi mo pa sa akin?!” my mother’s strained voice shouted while she was behind him. Her expression looked so betrayed, and her eyes told us she was already crying since she was in the car.

“Mommy…” hikbi ni Chloe, hawak ang drawing niya na ipapakita sana, ngunit naunahan na ng takot.

I hugged her while we silently watched their shouts. It wasn’t the first time, but it was so intense that I’m worried for Mommy.

“I said shut the fuck up, Grace! Pagod ako!” my father snarled while pulling the tie out of his shirt aggressively.

“Pagod ka saan, huh? Sa paggalaw sa ibabaw niya?! And see?! You even left a trace! Walanghiya ka talaga! Hindi kana nahiya! May dalawa tayong anak, at nambababae ka!” My mother pushed my father’s back as soon as she saw the red marks on his neck.

I saw the rage in my father’s eyes when he looked at mom and slapped the tie on her face. Namilog ang mga mata ko. Even Chloe’s cry echoed with their violent fights, but they were eager to continue. The next thing I saw, my mother was already pinned on the sofa roughly while he was trying to stop her from hitting him.

“Tumigil kana!” my father growled angrily in front of mom’s crying face.

Mas lumakas ang iyak ni Chloe. Gusto kong takbuhin si Dad, awatin at tulungan si mommy, but I was too scared to let go of my trembling sister in my arms.

Mahigpit ko siyang niyakap, mariing pumikit, at halos manalangin ako, na sana may umawat man lang. My mother was already whimpering, growling from the intense fight, while my father was fuming mad and pinning her down, almost hurting my mom.

I don’t wanna see it. It was hell. Araw-araw, nananalangin ako na sana, tumigil na si dad at magbago. I somehow understood my mother’s pain. Though I don’t have any idea what’s going on, I knew that dad is making a mistake by seeing another woman, or much more by bringing women into our house when my mom is away.

During my sixth birthday, mom found out that my dad has another woman, and they were fighting about it again instead of celebrating my birthday. At habang patagal nang patagal, mas lumalala lamang iyon.

“Kuya!” ang nagmamadaling takbo ni Chloe, limang taong gulang na, yumakap ng mahigpit sa akin, at gustong magtago.

“Kuya! Papa is mad!” takot niyang sumbong at paiyak na.

Naalarma agad ako. Her eyes looked at me panickingly, like she’s in trouble.

“Sinabi ko kay mommy…I told her he brought a woman—” Her words stopped as soon as the door opened, and she trembled fearfully.

Mabilis ko siyang hinila sa aking likuran. With the rage in my father’s eyes, I know he’s mad. Magulo pa ang buhok niya, at naka suit pa. Hindi niya kailangang sabihin sa akin na lasing siya because I could immediately tell from his state right now. He’s quite violent when he’s mad.

“I did,” agap ko, seryosong tiningnan si dad. “I told mom.”

My father’s expression darkened. When he unbuckled his pants, I knew it would hurt for real.

“On the floor,” utos niya.

Humikbi agad si Chloe, mahigpit akong hinawakan. I faced her and smiled a little as I took my hand slowly. Nanginginig ang labi niya at pulang pula ang mga mata.

“Cover your eyes. Don’t open them unless I tell you…” I whispered.

Her lips quivered more. Pumikit siya at napabitaw nang tuluyan sa akin. Tahimik akong naglakad patungo kay dad. I planked on the floor as I endured the belt hitting my buttocks.

I grunted silently with each hit, making sure Chloe wouldn’t hear a single pain from me so she wouldn’t feel bad. Ngunit masakit iyon. Sobrang sakit. It would leave purple marks on my skin, and I would not sit comfortably for a week, for sure.

I don’t understand any of it. But I would…understand if mom got tired of dad.

“I’m sorry, Rade…” iyak ni Mommy sa harap ko sa gabing iyon, hinaplos ang pisngi ko at kita ko ang pagod sa mga mata niya. “Please take care of Chloe. I’m…I’m really sorry pero pagod na ako, anak…”

I reached for her hand pleadingly. “Rest, mommy…I’ll take care of you…”

Ngumiti siya at nagbagsakan ang mga luha. The red mark on her cheek made me worried for her. Daddy slapped her because he’s drunk. Again.

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit at humagulhol sa maliit kong balikat. Pumikit ako at umiyak din.

“I’m sorry if I can’t protect you, mom… But I’ll grow up fast…and protect you. And Chloe…” hikbi ko.

“Shh. It’s not Rade’s fault, okay?” she whispered gently.

I’m just seven. God, can you please make it fast? I don’t wanna play anymore. I wanna be an adult now. I don’t need to enjoy being a kid. Just please, let me grow up so fast so I can protect Mommy and Chloe. So I could stand against Dad.

Noong tumayo siya, pinalis ang mga luha ngunit nanginginig ang balikat, nag-alala ako lalo. Gabing gabi na at naalimpungatan lang ako dahil pumasok siya sa kuwarto ko.

Sinundan ko ang paglabas ni mommy.

“Mommy…” habol ko.

She went to Chloe’s room. Dumungaw ako at nakitang niyakap niya rin ng mahigpit si Chloe, na inosenteng tumingin sa kanya.

“Kuya will take care of baby Chloe, hmm?” nanginginig niyang bulong.

No…She’s…She’s leaving us.

Kabado akong tumingin sa kanya nang binaba niya si Chloe na nag-aalala siyang inabot.

“Mommy? What’s wrong?” tanong ni Chloe, humawak sa dulo ng kanyang coat sa kabila ng antok na mga mata.

Lumapit agad ako habang si Mommy ay mas lalong humikbi, tinakpan ang kanyang bibig at naglakad na palabas.

“Mommy?” tawag ni Chloe at sumunod.

“Mommy,” tawag ko nang lumagpas siya sa akin, nagmamadaling bumaba.

Sumunod kami ni Chloe sa kanya hanggang pagbaba. My eyes widened when I saw her things downstairs as she gestured to the driver, who nodded at her.

“A-Ang mga bata, Thea,” senyas niya sa kasambahay.

Chloe started crying when Thea went to her and stopped her from running to Mom. Nilapitan ko ang mga gamit niya at hinahawakan iyon ngunit kinukuha sa akin ng driver, masakit akong nginingitian.

“Mommy…Don’t leave,” I pleaded, reaching for the tip of her coat when I couldn’t reach for her hand. “Please…”

Mas lalong nanginig ang balikat niya, pumasok sa passenger’s seat habang hinihila na ako ni Manang Thea.

“Mommy!” Chloe called achingly while she was pushing Thea.

“Magwowork l-lang, Chloe,” ani Thea ngunit naiiyak siya.

I knew right then, if I didn’t stop Mom, she would never come back anymore. So I pulled my hand away from Thea and ran to the moving car. Hinabol ko iyon hanggang palabas. I don’t care if I stumble on the ground anytime soon.

“Mommy!” tawag ko, nanghihina.

Maybe I wasn’t so loud that she could barely hear my pleading. Or maybe I was so weak that she thought I would not help her big problem.

Noong madapa sa sahig, bigo kong tiningnan ang kotseng hindi man lang tumigil. I cried devastatingly. She left us. But…I would understand. Because I prayed for it.

Gusto kong umalis si mommy at iwan si dad. But I didn’t expect she would leave us. Were we a burden? But I could take care of Chloe while she works.

“Hay, nakakaawa ang dalawa. Gets ko rin si ma’am na iwan na si sir. Oo nga. Sobrang yaman. Pero aanhin mo ang ganyang lalaki kung sobrang babaero din,” I overheard the housemaids whispering early in the morning.

Nakatulog si Chloe kakaiyak. I stayed up so late that I couldn’t sleep a wink while hugging my sister beside me.

“Mas maganda raw kasi ang kinabukasan ng dalawa. Maayos naman na ama si sir. ’Yung pagiging babaero lang talaga…”

I thought my father would acknowledge his fault and be guilty now that mom left. I think he might finally apologize, but I think I raised my hopes too much.

It was during my 12th grade year when my father brought another woman into our house after a year of not seeing any.

Chloe rolled her eyes and walked out without even glancing at them, while I stopped a bit since the woman smiled at me.

“Good afternoon,” bati ko ng kaswal.

The woman smiled even more. “Good afternoon…” Saka niya nilingon si dad. “The future construction heir of Tejanos?” she concluded.

Nagtungo ako sa kusina para kumuha ng maiinom na tubig. There were blueprints on their table. I could assume it’s part of work, but I have a bad feeling about it knowing the woman is very pretty and my father is sucker for it.

“He’s gonna take over it.”

The woman glanced at me again. “Kaedad niya ’yung panganay ko…”

What? She’s…married? She has kids? Or maybe divorce? I thought she was single and a model since she looked like she’s still in her early thirties.

“Another bitch,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes when I went into her room to give her water.

Sa namumula niyang mga mata, alam ko, naaalala niya na naman. Though we’re used to dad bringing girls, for Chloe, it’s a trauma that brings us back to those times when we were kids and we would cry until dawn while watching our parents fight.

“Mukhang katrabaho lang,” I concluded. “May pamilya.”

She groaned. “What?! Ew! He’s really the worst! Pati may pamilya? Oh right. He’s been a cheater since day one. Bakit nga ba magtataka pa ako kung pati pamilyadong babae, aakitin at sisilawin niya sa pera niya?”

I offered the water more when I noticed how her eyes turned more bloodshot.

“Pagkatapos ng ginawa niya kay mommy…hindi pa rin siya kinakarma! I really hate him!” Nagbabadya nang tumulo ang luha sa mga mata niya kaya nilapitan ko siya at hinaplos ang likod.

I tried to give the woman the benefit of the doubt. Madalas iyong babae sa bahay namin to discuss work. Nasa sala lang din sila lagi ni dad at nag-uusap tungkol sa trabaho.

“Nasa probinsya,” si dad na sinagot ang tanong ng babae kung nasaan si mommy. “Iniwan ako.”

I tried to keep my eyes on the book I was looking for on the book shelves.

“Our marriage wasn’t working out too,” the woman said in her weak voice.

“Coz he’s gay?” si dad.

Tumawa ang babae.

“Sa ganda mong ’yan, hindi siya tumuwid?” My father seems to be flirting now.

The girl laughed more, and this time, I could sense she got hit by my father’s compliment. Tss. Easy girl. I cannot believe there are girls out there who are willing to lower themselves despite seeing how disgusting my father is.

Thank God dad had shown all of the red flags so Chloe would be that careful not to get fooled so easily by boys around her. At kung may magtatangka man, kawawa rin sa akin.

Sa pabalik balik ng babae, she would sometimes strike up conversation with me, while Chloe would never even bother looking at her. She would roll her eyes and leave.

“Civil engineering daw ang kukunin mong course?” the woman interrogated gently.

I nodded silently.

She smiled even more. “Matalino ka rin daw sa math? Your dad told me…”

I didn’t respond. She seemed gentle, softspoken, and soothing. Very sophisticated. And yet, she lost her brain for whatever she had seen to my father that she was willing to ruin her own family.

I don’t really care at all. She could go to hell with my father. But when I saw the screen of the phone she left on the table when I went to the living room, where their blueprints are, I froze.

May…anak siya. Mga bata pa. Tatlo. Isang lalaking mukhang kaedad ko lang, at babae na maliit pa, siguro nasa mga two or three years-old, at isang lalaki na nasa three or four.

My shoulder immediately loosened when I heard Chloe’s cry in my arms on those nights that we’d see our parents fighting because my father was cheating.

It was a trigger for me. I cannot imagine another version of Chloe and me that would be put in those traumatic situations.

Ni minsan, hindi ko pinakialaman ang pambababae ni dad. The last time I did, I got a rough beating. He also didn’t give me an allowance. Iyon din ang araw na ’yon na natuto akong maghanap ng pagkakakitaan, o pumasok sa investments para kung dadating ang araw na susuwayin ko siya, kusa akong lalayas. Kusa akong aalis. At dadalhin ko si Chloe.

Curious about the woman’s son, I searched for it on the internet. And since she was quite a well-known architect in Luzon, mabilis kong nahanap ang anak dahil nasa friend list niya pala.

I boredly stared at the screen of my laptop when his account flashed. Nakaupo siya sa jetski, nakatuko ang mga kamay sa harap, topless at malawak ang ngiti. I looked at his dimple and arched my brow. It screams like his mom.

Maverick Evander. Mukhang mayabang ang dating. Ngunit halatang friendly. More on…a fuckboy type of shithead out there whose I’m trying to warn my sister about.

Grade Twelve din. He got a tag photo from a woman. Nakakandong sa kanya at mukhang nasa party sila. He was parting his legs while his other hand had a cigarette, and his other hand was resting on the girl’s thigh.

I scrolled more and saw more tags. More on girls again. A hustling playboy, huh. May pinagmanahan ba ’to?

I clicked the add button since I couldn’t message him. Maybe I’ll send pictures? Hinintay ko na ma confirm pero naka graduate nalang ako sa Grade Twelve, ’yung request ko, pending pa rin. Tss.

I wanted to drop my plans. But when I found out we got into the same university in college, I wanted to try it again. Baka mas madali na total nandito siya.

“Nagv-varsity ba si Rade?” I overheard them talking again when I was about to enter the dining room.

Tumigil ako. I know I should mind my own business, but it intrigues me since my name is involved.

“Hindi. Bakit?”

“Ah…si Maverick magv-varsity kasi. He likes playing basketball. I’m just…”

“The university is too big. I also told him to stick to his studies,” si Dad.

“But I heard even the heirs of the construction firm of Cervandos enrolled in that university. Balita ko business course daw ang kinuha.”

“Marami akong naririnig sa batang ’yon. Maalam daw sa business. Delikado ang batang ’yan.”

“I think Rade is a very smart kid too. I’ve seen his outputs. He’s a genius in his field…”

I was slightly moved by the topic, but I didn’t let it get into me. I could sense that my father saw that Cervando as a threat. But one thing that got my attention was his son. Varsity, huh?

Sakto noong ilang araw sa school, may tryouts na. I’m not really into basketball, but maybe I could try it.

“Dude, sorry!” hingi ng depensa ng kulot na buhok nang masiko ako, na napag-alaman kong Cervando. “Hindi ko sinasadya!” he said apologetically.

Fuck. Dalawa nalang sa amin ang pinagpipilian kaya sinabak sa game, but the fucker was so dirty that he elbowed me. I was pissed, but still, I manage to be sporty.

“Ayos lang,” I said coldly.

The worst thing there was, he got picked. I wasn’t. I couldn’t forget the curly hair, and what surprises me more is that on the next few days, he was already in the same circle as Architect Evander’s son.

Nakaakbay na at malawak ang ngisi habang may kung ano silang topic at naghahagikhikan kasama ang iba pang varsities. Kung hindi niya ako siniko, ako dapat ang nasa posisyon niya. But I just realized they had the same vibe. Playful and loud. Parehas ding mukhang mga tarantado. Mabuti palang hindi ako natanggap. I’m not an asshole.

Right. I would not fit. At sa naririnig ko, sa sunod sunod na pagkakalink ng mga pangalan nila sa iba’t ibang babae sa university, at nasa mismong circles lang nila, I could really tell that the same feathers flock together.

I searched for him on Facebook again and added him. Damn him. Babae lang ba ang pinapansin nito? Akala mo sa disyerto nakatira at parang tuyo lagi kaya ganoon ka uhaw sa babae.

I don’t have any friends in his circles, either. Most of their circles involve the famous ones. Mostly mga tambay sa BGC. I’m not that desperate to go to his place and knock. Kung hindi ko lang nakita na may mga kapatid…

And what? You think the fuckboy is responsible enough to do what’s right? Baka kakampihan pa ang mommy niyan. Knowing he’s a womanizer himself…he might not make a big deal out of it.

But looking at him, he looked like he got all the fun in the world even during his childhood days. He seems outgoing because he’s used to it, like it was his own environment. And even on his Facebook, I’ve seen some videos of him and his father when he was a kid while they were playing go kart. He’s close to his father.

Iyon nga lang, high school days, mostly barkada na. I rarely see him bond with his father and more with his siblings and friends. It was his cover photo too. They were in the snow while they were crowding a snowman who had a real carrot for his nose. Nakatayo sa harap ng snowman iyong batang babae na nasa mga pisngi ang kamay at halatang humahagikhik, ang isang batang lalaki na nakatingala sa kuya niya at nilabas din ang dila dahil ganoon ang pose ng kuya niya.

The two seemed to be sheltered by him. Or he was making sure they’re having fun too, because that’s how his nature is—fun and loud.

I smiled sarcastically. I find it unfair that I was only two years away from Chloe during those times when our family was collapsing. I should have… been his age too when my parents split up, so I took Chloe to fun…things. She might have grown up more invested in the fun of life instead of having multiple trust issues.

Dad is so strict that his superiority shows in the way we handle things or view them. Iyon lang ang laman ng isip namin na kahit nasa labas, nakatatak ang pag-aaway nila na mahirap kalimutan.

During my first year of college, I watched him socialize. Malaki ang circles nila. Or it’s very well known that being part of their group is already a big deal. Banggitin mo lang ang Brent, everyone would immediately know whose circle it was.

Wala siyang pinagkaiba sa mga boys na naroon. He’s loud and fun. Opposite from my life. It’s like he was that scorching heat of the sun; I couldn’t even watch for a long time because it was so blinding.

Was it really blinding, or was it just my insecurity that I couldn’t stand watching his fun world for that long.

Unfair, huh. Were you comforted by your own parents? Feeding you with lies? While your mom made her way to our family? While Chloe and I were so hurt?

My hand turned into a fist, and I slipped it into my pocket. His laugh was always a trigger for me. That dimple would always remind me that he’s used to laughing and smiling and that he has no time to be sad at all. He’s not miserable—unlike Chloe and I.

If I told you about your mother, would you crumble down? I bet you’d be at your lowest point, where you can’t wear that smile anymore. Your mother might have sheltered you with lies, but once I expose it, you will never wear that smile anymore, for sure.

If only I could bring him to the hotels where my asshole father and his cheater mother would always check-in, his sudden fade of smile and the betrayal on his face might be a pleasure to me.

I’ll be there. While his world was crumbling down, I’d make sure he’d melt into my arms; he’d see me finally, at his weakest point, as I was gonna be his strength—I shut my eyes and licked my lips. Something is wrong with me. Why would it even matter if he’s hurt? I am hurt too. But I never crave to be saved. I never craved to be in someone’s arms.

“May nakaupo ba?” tanong ng babae sa first day of school noong second year na ako at mas gusto kong sa library tumambay nang walang nakikitang nakakairita sa labas.

I took a glance, wanting to shake my head, but I did another second glance when I got stunned on her face.

“Wala,” I uttered while staring at her.

She slightly smiled and nodded. Dahan dahan kong kinuha ang tingin ko at naipagsalubong ang kilay. This one is very pretty. Come to think of it, you’ve been single since you had zero interest in relationships because of your cheating father. But then…maybe…

I glanced at her again. I have no standards for girls since I haven’t thought of them. But to see her, I immediately saw what I wanted in a girl. It should be like…this woman.

She glanced at me again, though she looked hostile, but she seemed to be paying attention too.

“May nakaupo ba?” she clarified.

I blinked twice and shook my head. “No. You’re just too pretty… I can’t look away.”

Her eyes widened a bit, until she calmed down and gave me a cold smirk. I offered my hand, which she looked at.

“Rade…” pakilala ko.

She looked at my hand, arched her brow, and then slowly shook it.

“Verena…”

Verena? I think I heard her name somewhere. Is this the froshie who got everyone’s attention? Because if she was, then I would not even be surprised…

“Why are you alone? You have no friends yet?” tanong ko nang dahan dahang binawi ang kamay.

“Sort of. How about you? Ain’t friendly?” she conversed.

I shrugged too. “Not interested.”

I also took that opportunity to get her number. Hindi naman ako torpe. I would always shoot my shot at things that I found interesting. Though I couldn’t invite her to dates and all, we’d spend each other’s time studying.

Should I ask her if she’s taken or? So I glanced at her while we were in the library again. Nasa dulo na iyon ng dila ko, because if she said no, I might try. Besides, I like her.

“Verena,” I called.

Lumingon siya at tinanggal ang earphones sa tainga niya, bahagyang kumunot ang noo sa akin. I opened my mouth to talk again when someone entered the library, which caught me off guard.

Maverick Evander just entered with a phone in his hand. Natutop ang bibig ko nang maalalang hindi niya ako in-accept na binawi ko ulit last year. He’s in his black hoodie and pants—too simple, yet you could tell he could effortlessly get the girls kneeling in front of him once he flashed his smile.

“Rade?” Verena snapped.

Binawi ko ang tingin ko at itinuro ang pasilyong pinasukan noong kulot.

As soon as I entered the aisle of the library, I saw him grab the waist of a woman and kiss her. What did I even think? He went here to study and read books? Sa bobo niyang ’yan? Maiisip niya ba ang mga libro dito?

The woman giggled as I stood at the side and took a book out of the shelf naturally so I would not look like a fucking creep who’s supposed to approach him.

“Wait…may tao, Mavric…” she whispered in her slurry voice.

“Sshh. Nerd lang ’yan. They don’t really care. Let’s kiss more…”

Umangat ang kilay ko at umalis. The next thing I knew, I had already reported it to the librarian, and they were called to the guidance office for public display of their stupidity. Hah.

I should stop this nonsense and let the asshole suffer for his goddamn family problem. Bahala siya. Why would I even help him out, right? The girls were enough to comfort him. At iyong mga dalawa niyang kapatid, for sure, kukunin naman ng dad nila.

In the next few weeks, he got another girl. He plays like a hustling playboy, sneakily. Iyong isa sa kanila bulgaran lang talaga at makapal ang mukhang magpapansin sa department ni Verena, but this one…he was more of a chic magnet who does his dirt sneakily. Nasa sulok sulok pa ng school ginagawa. Unbelievable. Manang mana nga naman sa ina. Patago ang hilig. What a gene.

Kung babae ’yan, matagal na sigurong nabuntis. Worse, he might not even confirm who’s the father for having too many boys.

“Manonood ka ng play nila?” Verena conversed.

She wasn’t a fan of basketball, but sometimes it’s confusing why she wants to go and join the other students to cheer on our varsity team. I don’t like watching it either. I’m tired of glaring at the son of that architect and judging his movements to the core.

Manhid din. I’m not even sure if he notices or if he pays attention to his surroundings. It’s like he would only acknowledge you if he piqued your interest and you got his attention. Boy, you’re a certified asshole in the making, huh.

“Himala, Rade!” Our friends in the circle laughed at me as soon as I showed up in the arena.

Well, I just want to release my boredom and enjoy my free time, at least. Tumingin agad ako sa harap at mukhang nagsisimula na dahil kinakausap na sila ng coach.

When the game started, I immediately saw him as one of the first five. He ran smoothly, like he knew when to use his energy and when to relax.

Magaan siyang tingnan. He would glance at the bench sometimes and flash his smirk, and the girls would end up screaming at the top of their lungs. Natatawa siyang binatukan noong Cervando na ikinahalakhak niya rin, like he knew the effect of his movement and he’s purposely doing it.

The two curly bond like they’re twins. And then he was joined by another asshole with a Veniel surname at the back of his varsity. The three idiots.

“Maangas talaga sila sa court. Mga fuckboy pero magagaling din talagang maglaro,” one of my friends commented.

“Kaya nga in love na in love ang mga girls. Gustong gusto nila ang ganyang mga lalaki,” one of the boys uttered with disappointment.

After the game, I excused myself to the restroom to pee. But then, I didn’t expect the target to be there, who just pulled his jersey up. He glanced at the side for a bit, just to check who was inside, then walked to the sink to wash his hands.

I cleared my throat and went to the cubicle. Nilingon ko siya sa salamin. He lifted his gaze and noticed my eyes, so he smiled.

I didn’t expect it. He…smiled. His dimple showed, and… I licked my lips and furrowed my brows. Oh right. I was wearing the school ID and the t-shirt of our school, which probably gave him the idea that I watched the game to support them.

Maybe this is the right time to strike up a conversation. Muli ko siyang tiningnan at kakalabas lang. I immediately hurried, washed my hands, and went out. Nakita ko pang may nagpapicture sa pasilyo at nangingiti niyang inakbayan sabay ngiti sa camera.

My steps slowed down as I waited. Noong natapos na, naglakas loob akong lumapit lalo na’t ayoko nang patagalin pa. He glanced at me, smiled more, and walked toward me.

I swallowed a bit, feeling nervous, though he shouldn’t be that intimidating knowing I’m a bit taller than him. Paano ko ba sasabihin? Your mom is sleeping with my dad? Isn’t that too rush?

“Hey!” he laughed and walked more toward me.

Handa na akong magsalita ngunit nilagpasan niya ako at narinig ko ang hagikhik ng babae sa likod ko.

“Ang tagal mo…” he whispered gently.

I glanced at them and saw him getting hugged by a woman who’s at another university while he snaked his arm around her waist.

“’Yung ex ko na nakalaban niyo galit na galit kasi tinambakan niyo! Ikaw ha!” natatawang hampas ng babae sa kanya.

He chuckled and glanced at me, and I noticed that I was standing there, looking at them, almost glaring that I looked like a fool here. Tumingin din ang babae sa akin, nangingiti.

“Pagbigyan mo muna…” she said to him.

What?

“Uh…picture dude?” he asked confusingly.

He thinks I want a picture with him? Hah. This is really messed up. Your mother is cheating behind your dad’s back, asshole. That’s what I want. Not a goddamn picture. And what does he think of himself? Feeling artista na akala niya gusto kong magpapicture—

“Ako na ang magpipicture sa inyo! Akin na ang phone mo,” ang babaeng lumapit sa akin at inilahad ang kamay sa akin.

Gusto kong humagalpak sa sobrang pagkainsulto. This is ridiculous. What am I? His fucking fan? But then, there were more people approaching who seemed to want a photo of him while looking at me patiently, waiting for their turn.

“Ang gwapo naman ng mga fanboys ni Mavric.” At napagkamalan pa akong fanboy? Bullshit.

I twisted my tongue against my mouth and took my phone out, then handed it to the girl—girlfriend of the asshole.

I looked at him again. He smiled at me encouragingly and tilted his head as he stepped a bit to the side to give me some space beside him. Damn it. This is fucking ridiculous.

“Smile! One…two…three…”

He smiled beside me while I kept a serious expression, side-eyed him a bit to check his reaction, and saw his dimple flashing. This motherfucker is like Satan’s disciple, scattering sinful things through his angelic facade. Kung ngingiti…pakiramdam mo lumalabas ang araw sa itaas at sinisinagan siya kaya nakaka…silaw at nakakalimutan mong sasaktan ka lang ng kagaya niya.

“Thanks, dude.” He tapped my shoulder. Gusto ko sanang hawiin kaso mabilis niya ring binawi at nasa babae na ang atensyon.

His girlfriend handed my phone back to me while he whispered things to her, which made the girl giggle.

I have a fucking photo of him. This is damn funny. I deleted it out of my rage because that wasn’t what I wanted. He thinks I was there because I wanted a photo? Fucking insulting.

Umupo ako sa sofa nang makauwi at muling tiningnan ang recently deleted na picture. I could actually use this to show that woman and tell her to stop whatever she was doin—oh yeah? Have you forgotten your father? Magsusumbong ’yan. Worse, he might pull you out of that university and enroll you somewhere far. Isa pa…baka madamay din ang kapatid ko sa mga pinaggagawa ko. Ayos lang kung ako ang mabugbog, ngunit kung madamay si Chloe, ibang usapan na.

I looked at the photo again and noticed my eyes. As far as I remember, I looked at him with rage. But…the intensity of my eyes turned out…something else. Ngumiwi ako. The lens of the camera on my phone must be playing tricks.

I zoomed in on his face and caressed it a bit. What should I do, huh?

“Sino ’yan?”

My shoulder jumped out of surprise that I immediately turned off the screen of the phone. Napalingon ako sa likod ng sofa at nakahilig si Chloe doon.

“Sino ’yon? Babae ba ’yon? Uy may dimple ’yon! Uy! May crush siya!” And thank God I zoomed it in so that he didn’t notice it was a man.

At bakit para namang may ilegal akong ginagawa sa sobrang kaba kong mahuli? Ano ngayon kung lalaki?

“No, Chloe…” I said softly.

“Tipo mo mga may dimple?! Maganda ’yon ah? Pansin ko curly hair! Sino ’yan! Patingin nga!”

Umiling ako. “Wala nga…”

“Wala but you’re looking at it! I saw it! You’re even zoning out! Second year college kana, kuya! Imposible wala kang nagugustuhan!”

What?

“Patingin na!” she tried to reach for my phone, so I pulled her to the sofa, where she screamed when she lost her balance.

I chuckled and tickled her. Nagsisigaw siyang gustong kumawala agad at nagpupumilit umalis. Nosy girl!

“I’ll tell the kids about the divorce since it was almost granted. But Mavric left. Hinayaan ko muna at baka nag-aadjust pa. He’s shocked.”

Ang tinig ng babaeng pamilyar sa akin na minsan nalang pumunta sa bahay. So all this time, her son wasn’t aware? Somehow, watching him gave me an idea. His friends were alcoholics. Akala mo mga nakatira na sa club sa dalas nilang magparty.

But it’s summer. I accepted that Gabriella who’s part of them since I needed updates. This is how I am trying to fucking reach out, and that bastard acts like the only thing that mattered in his damn world was the girls. Pag hindi babae, hindi niya makikita. Tss.

I went to Makati. And there…I’m right. He was alone, drinking while eyeing for a good distraction, for sure.

“Planning for a good fuck?” And damn it, you were supposed to tell him right away about his mother.

He’s here. Which means he wasn’t ready to face it. Give him the benefit of the doubt, Rade. Don’t be too nosy by shoving something so big that he cannot swallow yet. Give him small things he could bite…

Well…

To see him beside me, sleeping peacefully, I knew I was doomed. Damn you. What were you thinking? You fucked him. Oh damn it.

I fucking knew it. I really fucking knew it. I got attracted to him every time I’d watch him. You were supposed to pull him down, but why were you falling for him instead, Rade?

I pulled my wallet out of my pocket so I could give him some money for his taxi, at least. Ang pangit din kung gigisingin ko at ihahatid. I’m not…gay.

Really, huh? When you railed him like you were so in love with him and you were dying to taste him? What is it called, then?

I should just…leave him alone. His family isn’t my business after all. Kung nagdivorce sila, edi bahala sila sa buhay nila. And…besides…I think his parents are responsible parents who would not leave their kids…right?

He’s really bad news. I knew it. I should have mind my own fucking business. I underestimated him. I’ve been mocking him for so long and tainting his image in my mind that he’s a damn player himself, a womanizer, and yet…I fell? At ang malala rito, hindi ako nilandi, o pinakitaan man lang ng motibo.

Now, I cannot blame the other girls getting crazy over him without him showing signals because he’s really damn attractive. Masisisi ko pa ba siya rito?

I should stay away from him, or else I’d be like those women who are obsessed with him. Lalaki ako. He would…freak out for sure. I might be a creep to him.

I licked my lips and noticed I was smiling despite the aggressive reasons in my mind. I cannot forget his face when I railed him. He likes it. He was so pleasured and turned on that his face was etched on my mind, worsening my feelings for him. You like it? Then come here. Coz I’m tired of chasing after you. I’m tired of looking up. If you want it so bad, get me.

If he’d chase after me, I’d make sure the girls around him would not even matter. I’ll give him the satisfaction he would only crave from me. No matter how he ran away from me, he’d crawl back…and offer himself submissively.

Mayabang ka, huh? Payabangan nga tayo.

“Stay away from the architecture students,” sabi ko kay Chloe nang maalalang mostly sa mga tipo noong grupo nila ay nursing students. Or all of the students who are pretty and sexy, specifically.

Chloe, my sister, who just turned nineteen, is already a first-year college student. I could give her names or tell her to stay away from Evander personally, but I think that’s too much.

Imagine Chloe’s anger once she found out she was flirting with the son of the woman she loathes so much. It might be a trigger.

“Bakit kuya? May naging karanasan ka ba sa architect students?” hula niya.

The first thing that flashed in my mind was his turned-on expression while looking at me helplessly. I shrugged at Chloe and didn’t answer it, despite the explicit memories running through my head.

I don’t like this. It’s like he successfully crawled into my system like a glitch I cannot even fix.

“Kuya. Do you know, uh…the varsities in school? May kaibigan ka?” At sa sumunod na mga araw, kakasimula lang ng pasukan, iyon na agad ang tanong ni Chloe.

And who? Fuck.

“Those assholes? Mga playboy sa school. Most of them are womanizers, so no. I don’t have friends like that,” sabi ko.

Her eyes widened a bit, but then she slowly nodded as I could see her total disappointment flashing in her eyes. I sighed.

“You got a crush there?”

Mabilis ang iling niya. “Wala, kuya…”

Umangat ang kilay ko. She raised her left hand. “I swear! Wala! And I don’t like womanizer. May…uh…nanghingi lang ng number. I think he’s one of them. He’s friends with them. But yeah…I’m kind of turn off kasi naririnig ko rin sa mga new friends ko he’s a manwhore.”

There were four manwhores in the group. The vulgar type, that Jarsdel, the shameless one—the motherfucker with curly hair. The thicked-faced Ronan, and that…mysterious one who knows how to hide it well—Evander.

Iyong dalawa na close din nila, medyo hindi ko nakikitang nambababae. Pero pag nagsama-sama, para ding walang pinagkaiba noong apat.

And for sure…nasa kanila lang ang tinutukoy ni Chloe. I wanted to pray it wasn’t him, but at the same time, I could sense it. Most of his girls were model types. Iyon ang napansin ko. He likes high-maintenance girls.

“They’re all womanizers, Chloe. Drop it.”

Her shoulder loosened as she smiled weakly. “Ramdam ko nga, kuya.”

He’s hitting on my sister. Damn him. Should I buy him a coffin? Or bury him alive? This bastard is really the most sneaky in their circle. Una pa lang, magugulat ka nalang kung sino ’yung hindi inaasahang masungkit niya, nakukuha niya na pala ng palihim.

And he even had the guts to brag, huh? Sa akin pa nagyabang. Noong narinig ko itong kinutya ako, binangga ko lang sa balikat sa iritasyon, ngunit ngayong harap-harapan akong niyayabangan, talagang nahahamon ako.

The bastard has a thick face.

“Are you really gay?” kuryoso niyang tanong nang mapadpad dito sa library, halatang ako ang sadya eh hindi ito mahilig magbasa. The library is the least thing on his mind.

“Why? You like to be the bottom again?” I striked.

He only scoffed and looked at the book Chloe bought for me.

“Imagine if the woman who likes you found out you railed men. It’s quite a turn-off…” And he’s jumping to the conclusion that Chloe is my…

I toyed with him about gays since I heard his father is…well…it probably runs in the blood. Baka closeted ang isang ’to?

But I noticed something. He lost his composure when I pointed it out, involving the family. Sa tinagal tagal na laging composed siya tingnan, madali pala siyang mapatid?

What more if I told him about his mom? I’m suddenly curious how he would react—no. He’d self destruct I think.

And to see his hand…on my sister’s chest, I was pure livid. Son of a bitch! He thinks I’d let him include my sister in his collection of women?

I banged him against the wall, and he groaned and squinted his eyes, but when he side-eyed me, I’ve seen the smirk kissing on his lips. Look at that. He’s even turned on with this? He really likes it rough. Sa gabing iyon pa lang, gustong gusto niya pag marahas sa kanya. This one is shameless. Mas malandi pa yata kaysa sa ina.

Mariin akong pumikit habang nakatayo sa harap ni Chloe, nakaupo sa sofa at nasa hita niya ang kamay ni Mavi habang niyayakap ni Chloe pagilid.

“I’m sorry, okay? I just wanna try it…”

“Try what?” I leered at my baby sis.

She pouted. “Kuya naman! Ano bang tingin mo sa akin? Three?!”

Namaywang ako. “You were serious with that—” son of a bitch… “boy?”

She shook her head. “Hindi! Kasi alam ko ang records niya sa school. At…kabilang siya sa varsities…” medyo humina ang tinig niya.

“But I’ll drop it, okay! I’m just…” she bit her lips.

Bumuntonghininga ako at kumalma. “Womanizer, Chloe.”

“I-I know…He…he reminds me of dad too. And…and it sucks. Kasi marami talaga akong naririnig sa school. Kahit si Ivan, sabi niya…may pinormahan daw siya na nursing din. Tapos noong nagbreak na, isang taon daw na…hindi nakapaghanap ’yung girl kasi hindi maka move-on unlike him na three months after, may girlfriend agad.”

Ivan, the man who is also showing signals to my sister. Iyon yata ang napagkamalang kapatid noong bobong ’yon.

“I don’t like him for you.” Well, I meant this. Baka pag nalaman ni Chloe na anak siya noong kinaiinisan niyang babae, lumala lang.

Mavi made a pleading sound, so we both glanced at her. Nagpeke ng iyak si Chloe at niyakap ito ng mahigpit.

“Inaaway ako!” she whined dramatically, which Mavi barked at me.

Nailing ako at kumalma. Chloe giggled and showed her tongue out playfully.

“Find someone else,” I said with finality.

“Kuya masarap siyang humalik—” I glared at her, and she hid her face against Mavi again, dramatically crying, so Mavi barked at me again.

And just like that, the asshole found another flavor of the month. See? I would never like him for my sister. This one is a total red flag. What’s great about him, anyway? Good kisser? Tss. I don’t believe it.

But let’s admit it, he’s too attractive. He has that charm that every woman wants. Mga lalaking alam mong alam nilang guwapo sila at gagamitin iyon laban sa’yo para manghina ka. That’s his effect.

And the more I watch him, the more something trickles down my stomach. Oh boy…

It couldn’t be. I’m straight. Bakit ko siya magugustuhan romantically? Maybe it was because something happened between us?

Why? Out of all your plans to reach out to him and tell him about his cheating mother behind their family’s back, you…railed him instead?

Mariin akong pumikit at nailagay ang kamay sa likod ng aking ulo, nakatitig sa laptop kung nasaan ang Facebook niya.

I gave up on adding him. Binawi ko na ulit noong hindi niya ako in-accept. But I think it was already a habit to visit his wall, looked at his photo and glared at the motherfucker with a curly hair like him named Tyler who’s always clingy to him. Kahit sa pagtulog, may video sila na nakayakap sa kanya.

Noon, kay Maverick ako naiirita. Pero habang tumatagal, dito na sa Cervando. Nakumpara pa ako ni dad dito, siniko ako noong basketball tryouts, tapos ngayon, makikita ko na grabe makayakap sa kanya?

Why am I so upset about that? Hindi na dapat iyon big deal sa akin. Wala na iyong kinalaman sa balak kong i-expose ang ina niya sa kanya? What would I even get from getting angry at that friend of his who’s very clingy? What would I get if I snap his neck until he couldn’t wear that playful smirk on his lips?

Tiningnan ko pa ang ibang pictures niya para itest kung anong mararamdaman ko. Binalikan ko ulit iyong tags ng ibang babae na hindi niya yata naalis na sa tags. Wala siyang pakialam kahit pa marumi ang reputasyon niya kaya kahit pagbura man lang, hindi niya ginagawa.

I stumbled upon a video of him kissing a woman and laughing against her lips at a party, then he looked at the camera and flashed his smile.

“Pretty, right?” he bragged, to which his girlfriend laughed and hid her face against his neck.

A stabbing feeling, my stomach churning, and the way I closed the tab immediately gave me a hint that I like him romantically.

Pumikit ako at tahimik na hinawakan ang ulo nang itinuko ko ang mga siko sa table. Damn it, Rade. Are you sure about that? You like him? He’s just like dad. He might be worse, for sure. Anak pa noong isa sa babae ni dad…

At iyan pa ba ang inaalala ko kaysa ang…isiping…baka bakla ako? This is so messed up. What did the bastard do to me?

“Let me ride it, Tyler! Come on!” sigaw niya nang dumaan sila sa classroom namin.

“Ride me instead, Mav. You might like me better than my BMW,” the curly hair joked, and they both laughed.

Funny? That’s your circle? Who jokes nonsense things? Too liberated, huh. And I like him? Anong bang nagustuhan ko diyan? Was it because of his face? Too overrated. Maraming gwapo diyan na hindi kagaya niyang puro babae ang inaatupag.

It wasn’t the first time I watched him play. Because his circles treat the whole school like their own shopping mal where they visit every department to look for pretty girls.

Shameless motherfuckers. Makabuntis sana. Or better yet, they would all end up on their living karma, so they would stop that disgusting nature of being a womanizer.

“Fuck!” natatawang ungol noong Evander nang iheadlock noong kulot na humagalpak din habang dumadaan pa sila sa classroom namin, halatang mga papansin.

I put my knuckles against my cheek. Makatawa pa kaya ’yang Tyler na ’yan kung ako ang heheadlock sa kanya? He might not even make it until tomorrow.

At five thirty in the morning, my phone rang. Masyado pa akong inaantok nang tingnan ang screen kung sino ang tumatawag umagang umaga. I usually wake up around seven when there’s no class. Kaya noong makita sa screen ang unknown number, hindi ko sinagot.

But the end of the number just made my eyes open right then. That’s…

When it rang, and this time for FaceTime, I swallowed a bit. What? After hitting on my sister and getting another woman, you would run back to me?

It’s been months since that confrontation. Almost two months. Did he play enough that he got bored and…

I answered the call instead of overthinking it more.

That’s why, when a little girl flashed on the screen, smiling beamly and in front of her plate, my furrowed brows calmed down.

“Hello! Good morning!” she waved her hand while holding her spoon.

I blink twice. She looked like… well…

“Morning,” I greeted gently.

She leaned closer until her face zoomed in. Cute.

“Why is it dark? Were you still on your bed? But it’s already morning! Look!” Medyo umalog ang camera at mukhang tumakbo siya, hinawi ang mahabang kurtina sa malaki nilang bintana at pinakita ang labas. “It’s already morning! The sun is out! Get up!”

Tumikhim ako at umalis sa kama. I’m kind of shy that a little girl was nagging at me. Pakiramdam ko wala akong kwenta sa mga mata niya at tamad kaya natutulog pa rin kahit five-thirty A.M. na.

“Riri!” may tumawag sa kanya.

“Opo?” She looked somewhere, then looked at the camera and smiled. “That is Lala, our pretty nanny. She took care of me and Jester when kuya, mommy and dad were away. Do you have a pretty nanny too?”

She’s talkative. Pag nagsasalita siya, may dimple na lalabas. Is he at home? Naiwan niya ang phone niya sa kapatid? He lets his siblings hold his phone?

I thought that was just a mistake. But when she called again, I could sense she had his phone.

“Kuya gave his phone to me because I broke mine,” sumbong niya nang tahimik ko siyang panoorin, parehas na kaming nakaligo dahil ayokong punahin niya ulit ako noong nasa kama pa lang.

“Why?” I asked while I was busy on my laptop reading my lessons.

“Because mommy is busy. I broke it so…she would come home and check on me.”

It was a stab. Knowing I know the reason. Tiningnan ko siya at naalala ang maliit na si Chloe.

“Does your mom leave for work too? She’s busy too?” she asked.

I smiled gently. I couldn’t answer it. What would I tell her? That mom left us because of our cheating father?

“Si Kuya…wala lagi sa bahay. I think he’s busy too.”

“School?” sabi ko.

Umiling siya. “With his boyfriend and girlfriend, but he’s more busy with his boyfriend.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. What? So he’s…gay?

“He’s busy with Kuya Tyler.”

Ah…the idiot. Every time I’d think about his curly hair, I could really imagine it putting in boiling water so he would just straighten the fuck up.

“Kuya Tyler doesn’t know math,” muli niyang sumbong, abala sa hawak na clay na hinuhulma niya habang nakaupo sa maliit niyang table. It’s like she was in her own playroom or her own room.

“Then your kuya should find a smart boyfriend,” I suggested smoothly.

Well, compared to the curly hair named Tyler, I knew I could ace academically. Mukha pa lang no’n…halata namang babae lang ang laman ng utak. If that’s his boy toy, then he’s so shameless for lowering his standard after me. Ipagpapalit ako doon? Nakakainsulto.

“Kuya Tyler is nice. He gifted us last year with toys. He got me a doll that talks. And he gave Jester his own little car. He has lots of money.”

Ah? Close din sa kapatid?

“I like kuya’s boyfriend. But he’s not good in math. He doesn’t know one plus one,” she sighed boredly.

“You have math problems?”

She nodded. “I cannot call kuya since he doesn’t have his phone. Lala is busy on her dishes. Mommy is busy too. Dad is not here. I have a brother, but Jester would glare at me and push me away if I disturbed him on his iPad.”

“Let me see your math problems. I’m quite good in Math…” Well, I’m smart.

It was just simple homework that wouldn’t even waste your five minutes. And yet, she had no one to talk to. The brother sacrificed his phone for his little sister’s whining? I didn’t know he had this…cute side.

Riri would call countless times. Which I don’t mind since I could sense how bored she was. And she would rant about random things.

“Who’s your boyfriend? Do you have a boyfriend?” At nasa mesa siya ulit, but this time, she imitated me by getting busy on her own sketch pad too. She’s also drawing while I’m making my plates.

“I don’t,” I said, making sure I’d glance into the camera to pay attention to her.

“You don’t? But why?” she asked in a bubbly tone.

I shrugged. Any suggestions there, little girl? Perhaps…

“You can be kuya’s boyfriend,” she suggested.

Kuya mong papalit palit ng babae? No fucking thanks.

“What does your kuya look like?” I asked to entertain her more.

Mabilis siyang tumayo, nawala saglit sa camera, ilang sandali lang ay lumitaw na may hawak nang picture frame. It was him and Riri while she was on his shoulder; he’s looking up at her while laughing, and Riri’s looking down while giggling.

“He is my kuya. Look!” Mas inilapit niya iyon.

Tiningnan ko lang saglit si Riri, ngunit agad na napako ang mga mata ko sa mukha ng kapatid niya.

“His name is Kuya Maverick. He is the best kuya ever!”

Ngumuso ako. Really?

She squatted while she was still eager to show the picture, like she was doing a presentation to get my interest and approve a project.

“When he’s here, he will always take me to the playground. He will always play with me. He will also buy me ice cream and my favorite strawberry cake! I am his baby. He told me I will be his baby forever.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“Kuya never cries. So I don’t wanna cry too. He never gets mad too. He’s always smiling. He’s always laughing. He is the best.”

“Crying is healthy, Riri,” I pointed out.

“But…I think it’s not. If people cry, it means they’re hurt.”

“Because when you’re hurt, you are supposed to let it out. To express it. To let them know you are hurt. If your kuya doesn’t cry, then…he might be enduring it. It’s not healthy.”

She blinks twice.

“Encourage him next time. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt. Or it’s okay to get angry when he’s angry.”

“You tried crying? Or getting angry?” She tilted her head curiously.

I nodded. “When I’m mad, or when I’m hurt, it’s normal.”

She paused for a while while thinking thoroughly.

“Which means Jester is healthy? Because he’s always mad at me. He’s always angry.”

Poor baby.

“Have you asked him why he is angry?”

Umiling siya. “No. Because…he’s always like that. He doesn’t like me. But it’s okay. I know kuya loves me.”

I couldn’t somehow blame the other kid.

“Did you ask him why he doesn’t like you?”

Umiling siya. “No. But he would sometimes say…uh…ampon. He would call me…ampon.”

I stopped on my own plate just to look at the camera wholeheartedly. I am more worried about the other kid, too. Saan niya napupulot ang mga ’yon? At nasaan ang mga kapatid nito? Busy sa babae? Busy kay Tyler? Busy sa mga kaibigan niya? Busy sa parties?

But isn’t it unfair, Rade? Ang mga panganay lagi ang kawawa dahil parang sila dapat ang sumalo ng responsibilidad na hindi kayang gampanan ng mga magulang? How about their life?

The more Riri would talk about his brother, the more I realized things.

“Kuya would spend his entire summer with us. But he didn’t this year. He left. He didn’t come home on Jester’s birthday either. Jester cried. I tried to give him a hug, but he pushed me.”

“What could be the reason?” I asked.

“Mommy and daddy talked to kuya. They told kuya about divorce. I remember mommy asking him ‘Mavric, kanino ka sasama?’ And then…my kuya was force to answer it and he answered mommy. Then…daddy…he bowed his head. He’s sad. And Jester and I were silent because they didn’t ask us. They only ask kuya. And then Kuya left. But he smiled at me when he waved. I think Kuya is…I don’t know. He always looked happy.” Detailed. She memorized all of it.

Which means…he spent the entire summer…running away. Were those parties and going to clubs your own distractions? Were you that…bothered that you’d rather leave?

His usual playful image in my mind started cracking until it shattered like a glass. A facade. Who’s the real you, then?

“Look. I’m serious with your sister. Siya ang may ayaw akong ipakilala sa’yo. That’s why I thought you and Chloe had a thing because she was hiding her brother from me,” he confronted me when he called me this time.

“Ikakahiya ka talaga. With your multiple issues with women…” I provoked, testing the water.

And there, he snapped. Again. It triggered him. So you have this side? All along, you were just…trying not to burst?

“Let’s meet up…” I invited seriously while stifling my smile.

“Ngayon? Sure! Let’s get this over with! Which hotel? Name it!” he said angrily, but the excitement in his voice was just too obvious not to notice.

I leaned against my seat, licking my lips. This man is thirsty for me. Gusto kong humagalpak ngunit pinigilan ko. I will make sure you will never be interested in anyone else…I’ll keep you entertained.

When he called again after days, I could really smell that he’s eager to get me. Pinahirapan mo ako noon, kaya tingnan natin kung hanggang saan ’yang katigasan mo. You think I’d bend for you so easily? Bend for me first.

“A friend. Ah…I’m so drunk… It must be nice being suck right now,” he complained, but I could imagine his smirk in the middle of talking, even if it’s just through a phone call.

He knows how to keep someone entertained or get what he wants. Kung alam niyang kahinaan mo siya, kawawa ka. Because he would use it until you’d melt under him, and he would be in charge.

Well, I could deal with it. If he did not get what he wanted right then, he’d be chasing after me since it was like I bruised his ego and he wanted to bruise mine too. You want to be on my top? Then come down, Evander. Fall. Because I’m tired of looking up at you. I’m tired of watching you. Fall…

Mavric:

Riri is getting impatient. Let’s meet ASAP

I chuckled lightly at his text. Riri, or you? If you said you wanted to see me, this is gonna be so easy. But since you’re still on your stupid little game, then I won’t get serious on you.

“Ako nalang ang sakyan mo, Mav. Total parang ikaw naman lagi ang sinasakyan ko,” his friend, and as usual, it’s the idiot again.

I treated Evander’s whining as a game. But every time I remember he has that fucker, I just want to pull him close to me and give him everything he wants from me just to get his full interest.

“Bakit ako lagi?!” Shiloh squeeked as soon as he got eaten by the snake again for the nth time.

We laughed a little. Naglalaro kami ng snake and ladder after studying since we noticed Shiloh is fond of games. And maybe his reaction is just so cute that we were more entertained to see him lose than to actually play the game.

When he came into our group, the first thing I remembered about him was…Maverick. They were both blinding. But unlike Shiloh, who’s a total sunshine, Evander was the kind of sun I couldn’t stand watching for too long. They both reminded me of those people who always stay at the top, who’s used to people admiring them even from afar, who’s always the center of attention—hard to ignore.

“Totoo? Crush mo si Verena noon?” he conversed while we ended up playing chess, and my opponent was Verena.

“During my first year, right?” Verena confirmed.

Tumango ako. Shiloh’s eyes widened.

“Hanggang ngayon ba, Rade?” tukso ni Verena.

“Shallow, Verena…” sabi ko.

“Si Brent…crush na crush ka. Dream girl ka niya,” si Shiloh.

“That fuckboy? No thanks.” Kibit ni Verena.

“Why? I thought people like him were your type,” tukso ko.

“Your types too? Playful and…loud?” she smirked back.

This woman is so observant. Ang bilis makaramdam. Shiloh then glanced at me with those meaningful eyes. He looked so curious, but he was only looking at me with pure judgment. Wala pa ngang sinasabi pero tumatagos na ang mapanghusgang tingin.

“You’re close with your other circle?” tanong ko.

Tumango siya.

“Hindi naman mga gago?” tanong ni Verena.

Umiling agad siya. “Masaya sila kasama. Babaero pero matitino.”

“Who are you closest with?” I interrogated.

Iniunan niya ang ulo niya sa mga kamay niyang nasa lamesa at hinawakan ang bishop, gusto pa yatang sumali at naiinip na kakatingin.

“Uh…Kung sa girls…sila naman halos lahat. Sa boys…si…Rick…Mavric…Con…tapos si…Tyler? Si Ronan din.”

“How about Jarsdel?” si Verena.

“Ah… Hindi masyado.”

“Roommates mo ah? Tapos hindi kayo close?” Isa sa kaibigan namin nang sumali na rin sa usapan at tumabi sa akin, tumingin saglit sa board game na nilalaro namin.

“Mas close ako kay Rick lately. O kaya kay Mavric.”

“Mavric… ’Yung Evander? ’Yung gago?” ang kaibigan namin sabay baling sa akin. “’Yung makapal ang mukha at hindi takot sa’yo, Rade?”

Naninimbang ang tingin ni Shiloh sa akin. I only shrugged.

“He already stopped bugging my sister.”

“He stopped? Or he’s being sneaky again. Close niyan ’yung Cervando. Tang inang ’yon. Kahit si Kael galit doon kasi sobrang yabang sa court.”

Lahat naman yata may galit sa kanila. Maangas at mayayabang ba naman…

From those days Riri was calling, she would sometimes take her phone to her brother’s room.

“Get out, Riri!” ang sigaw ng kapatid niya sabay galaw ng camera at ang marahas na pagkakasara ng pinto.

“Uy Jester! Inaaway mo na naman si Riri!” sigaw ng babaeng mukhang nag-aalaga sa kanila, which I confirmed as Lala, who concernedly pulled Riri toward her.

Humihikbi si Riri at nakikita ko na pinupunasan ni Lala ang mukha habang kinukusot niya ang mga mata niya.

“I want kuya…” she cried.

Jester seemed the cold type of kid. Those who were more invested in their iPads would throw tantrums if they were interrupted.

Is their brother even aware of this? Does he know the attitude of the middle child? Well, how would he know if he’s throwing tantrums on his own too.

Riri is throwing tantrums by calling anyone just to beg for someone’s time to talk to her and listen to her. The middle child was isolating and spending too much time on online games, probably as a distraction, while the firstborn was…partying and creating his own world.

“Do you play online games?” I asked when Riri shared the phone with him, who’s scowling a bit.

He looked at the screen in a hostile way, glaring at me.

“Yes,” he answered coldly.

“What kind?”

“COD…” he murmured, and looked at his iPad for a while.

Nakangiti siyang sinubuan ni Lala lalo na’t ayaw nang malingat ng tingin sa iPad.

“I also play call of duty. High rank…”

Nakuha ko agad ang atensyon niya. He lifted his head a bit.

“Really?”

Tumango ako. “Yes. You can borrow it sometimes. Or…I could help you rank up…”

His eyes widened. He looked a bit suspicious at first, trying to put a boundary, which he seems very unfriendly, but then, when I offered my account and my password, he was suddenly entertained.

“I will tell kuya about this!” medyo masigla na ang tinig niya nang makipaglaro ako at open mic kaming dalawa.

“God job, Jester,” I complimented when he did well.

Every day that we’d play, I noticed how his mood changed.

“It’s Arki!” pakita ni Riri sa phone niya.

Jester looked at the screen excitedly. “Kuya let’s play Call of Duty again? Before my bedtime? I brag about it to my classmates, and they were shocked that I rank up so fast!”

“Okay. But just an hour. You have classes tomorrow.” And I have fucking exams. Damn.

“Okay! Yes!”

Hearing his cheerful voice melted me right away. I suddenly remembered my young self, who was more busy studying hard, instead of being bubbly like him, because I was eager to prove to my father that I could find a job soon without his help.

I didn’t notice that somehow it healed some parts of my inner child.

“Arki…what is divorce?” Riri suddenly asked out of nowhere on the other days. “I kept on hearing it…”

Hindi na ako nagugulat sa mga tanong niya. She’s very keen on her surroundings. Kung ano ang naririnig niya, mabilis niyang napipick-up at natatandaan.

I would always explain it according to her ability to digest words. But I know, I wasn’t in the position to snoop around, I tried to at least be gentle.

“Ampon din ako. Jester told me. Jester cried saying it. I couldn’t cry since I don’t know the meaning. But is it a bad thing too?”

“Ampon meant about those kids who were adopted by foster parents, Riri. The word isn’t a bad word, and being an orphan isn’t bad either. It’s actually a sad experience for those kids who deserve to grow up with their real parents. Some people are just fond of using it as an insult to kids sometimes. To bully…”

She nodded attentively, like I was her own teacher, and she was willing to adopt whatever I’d teach her.

“Bully. I have a classmate who shouted at my classmate. He said… bakla… because he was using a Hello Kitty lunch box. Is it a bad thing too?”

“The word gay isn’t a bad thing too, Riri. As I said, people are just using it as an insult or to bully someone. Gay…it’s actually meant for those people who are romantically attracted to their same gender.”

I believe that educating kids that there were not just girls or boys is already enough to at least acknowledge them and give kids a wide understanding to stop them from bullying those who were part of the LGBTQ community so they would not feel uncategorized in a sea of heterosexual people.

To at least broaden the perspective that no gender is superior and equality is what matters most. And give those who are part of the LGBTQ community a chance to feel secured, accepted—not just tolerated—but embraced.

Ngunit dahil relihiyoso ang mga tao, at ginagamit ang relihiyon bilang basehan na walang ganoon sa bibliya, iyon ang nagiging batayan ng lahat na babae lamang at lalaki ang ginawa ng Diyos. Society wasn’t ready for changes that weren’t taught in school—and even in churches. They would always stick to what’s preached by the majority—afraid not to get part of what’s more superior—instead of diminishing the fact that there is no superiority when it comes to gender.

Sa bawat usap namin ni Riri, parang nasa langit ako dahil puro ganoon ang topic namin. Unlike that…

“You’re craving for me? You’re quite demanding for my time,” Evander said when he followed me in the comfort room. The dog seemed to lose reality check. I thought he’s straight?

“I thought you were the one who wanted my attention here?” I taunted back, making sure I would not lose my mind.

Humalakhak siya. And every time I’d see his dimple coming out, I just wanted to kiss him and whisper in his lips that I wanted him more than he wanted me. And that’s what I hate so much.

I…am gay. I might have tried to dodge this and denied this feeling I have for him that has been blooming since I was in my first year, but to hear his other side from his little sister’s perspective, to see his laugh, I melted right then.

He wasn’t blinding—like the sun. It was my insecurity from the past watching something I wish I had—fun and full of hope, despite having a trashy father.

He was…actually like the moon, which I would admire because, despite the darkness, he maintained his light. He maintained to be this…bright.

“So…I’ll get going? I’m kind of sleepy…” rason niya sa gabing iyon at iniwas ang mga mata sa akin.

He might have immediately hid his pain, but I familiarized him. That wasn’t his eye. But he’s…vulnerable. And he wanted to hide it, to bury it, to isolate himself.

When Riri told me earlier that he couldn’t go home, I let him borrow my motorbike and do his activities. At isa roon ay napansin ko ang mga output niya. He’s into details. Alam na alam niya kung ano ang nababagay na kulay sa designs niya, o sakto lamang tingnan. He’s skilled. Artsy.

Is he unbothered or…

“Yes! They’re in divorce! Damn it!” And he finally snapped after punching me.

Sa ibabaw niya ay ang madilim na langit, ang buwan, at ang mga kumikinang na bituin. But nothing could take my attention out of his twinkling eyes as he shed tears while opening up.

I wanted to wipe his tears off, but I controlled myself. He doesn’t like affection. And when he cried… I knew I’m already on the ground, on my knees, as I’ve fallen hard. But this time, I was completely willing to submit. I was willing to give whatever he wanted to me at the moment.

Noon, pinangarap kong hilain siya nang bumagsak siya at makita ko ang reaksyon niya. But if…he’d jump off the cliff right now, I’d run whatever it takes to catch him. I’d make sure he wouldn’t fall miserably, that he would realize falling would never hurt him…because I’d be there. For him.

I wanted to pull him into my arms to shelter and comfort him, but I stopped. I…wasn’t welcome in his world. I was an intruder. And I don’t want to force it. I just barged in to push him out of his comfort zone, until he uncontrollably showed how dark his world is.

I might have wanted to see him shed tears, but I didn’t know it would be my own downfall to see him… hurt.

“What about me?” bigo niyang tanong.

You have me…

I got you. Don’t worry.

Mavric:

Thanks, by the way.

Napangiti ako nang matanggap ang text niya pagkatapos kong ipaalam na nakauwi na rin ako. I hope he wasn’t crying anymore.

He wanted me as his fuck buddy. I gave in. I never imagined I’d be in this situation since I like deep relationships. I don’t like playing around since it reminds me of my asshole father. I don’t like being played at or taken for granted that the only thing he wants from me is lust.

But can you believe it? I fully gave in. Akala niya matigas ako dahil naninindigan lagi, but he was fucking wrong. Because he has already bent me a lot of times.

Damn it, Rade. What’s your plan now, huh? You know this would hurt. He’d break your fucking heart.

But the funny thing here is that I was…willing.

“You know, out of all the fuck buddies I had, you’re quite considerate. I’ll eat at Con’s place. Continue your task so you can make time for me,” aniya nang yayain ko siyang kumain.

I turned the call off when I knew my insecurities would only make it worse. I was just one of his fuck buddies. He knows how to label things, like how he wanted to court my sister because he wanted a relationship with her, just like those ex-girlfriends I’d seen on his Facebook. He has types.

You signed up for this, Rade. You are willing to get hurt, right? You’ve settled…low…

No. I’ve settled where he only wants me. And still…I cannot be at the top. With him. I’d always be looking up at someone who’s over the horizon—like a blinding sun I could never grasp.

Sa tuwing dinadala ko siya sa hotel, may nag-uudyok sa akin na deritso siyang dalhin sa parents namin. But I have this instinct that he would just explode and nothing would matter to him. Not even his siblings. Knowing he’s vague to read, he doesn’t open up, not even to his friends, which means he was dealing with it alone.

Noong sinama niya ako para mag go kart sila, mas lalo kong nakita kung ano ang bond na meron siya sa mga kapatid niya. They were so into him, and I fully understand why, because he would play with them or enter their colorful world, as he doesn’t mind if it doesn’t fit his age.

“Love is an open door…” he sang in his low and gentle voice, like he’s used to it, and he wasn’t even shy knowing I was there made me smile.

He’s boldly expressing to his siblings that he could always join their fun, which I found amusing. I’d admit I wasn’t used to it. I find it funny but cute at the same time. And I looked like a stranger here who couldn’t fit in their games as I tried to pay attention so I could at least adopt and join them.

It was fun. It was my first time playing go-kart because I was so busy with studies, and my childhood was just too fucked up because of the continuous fight between my parents and the responsibility to take care of Chloe. I matured so early that I didn’t even give my young self a chance to enjoy what being a kid really meant.

And to…experience it…it was so fulfilling. Parang ako na ang naglalaro, sa halip na makikipaglaro lang.

“Thanks, kuya Arki!” Jester said after thanking his brother, which flattered me.

He thanked me, and I could almost hear my little self’s voice as it echoed in his voice…thanking my adult self for giving him a chance to finally experience fun.

It heals some parts of me.

Pauwi na kami habang tahimik siya at pinapakinggan ang playlist ko. I caught him smiling and pinching his lower lip when Sanctuary played, like I was telling it to him, and he understood it too well, which is why he’s so giddy about it.

“You know, I’ve been kind of confused for a while. Hindi ko pa alam kung uh…baliko ba ako para sa lahat ng lalaki. O sa’yo lang. Coz I slept with you. And this consider now as…”

“Gay,” I added to his trailing voice since I sensed he couldn’t name it properly.

I’ve seen how his expression was a bit changing. It’s like there was something about the word that gave him chills, or he wasn’t fully open about being called gay.

Doon ko napansin na hindi siya ganoon ka handa. He’s still straight. Though I am fine with whatever he likes, I was a bit worried he would think I’d shame him if someone found out there was something going on about us.

I watched him step out of my car and walk away. But when I saw him turn his back, open the door, and lean closer for a kiss, I immediately knew I was gay. Because I craved it. I long for it.

All this time, I was just waiting for him to kiss me, because it might be a sign that he wasn’t disgusted with what’s going on between us.

He kissed me so gently—just a peck—that I almost melted under it. I almost want to be so selfish and own him like he’s mine. Only mine.

“Thank you for today, I really appreciate it.” He smiled and looked at my lips.

No, Evander. I should be the one thanking you. You don’t know what you’ve done to me. This moment I had with your siblings healed a deep scar I hadn’t noticed for too long. You gave me an opportunity to apologize to my younger self for taking his childhood from me during the days he should be…playing and having fun.

And you…made me experience it. You made me enjoy myself for a bit, to be fun with no responsibilities, just myself, as I could warmly feel how I should have let my young self indulge in those fun activities instead of worrying about what would happen in the future. Instead of desperately wanting to grow up so badly.

I was here to fix whatever my father had shattered in your family, and yet, you unexpectedly fixed something in me. You…unexpectedly healed me… You…unexpectedly made me feel at home, which my younger self deserved. Warm. Fun. And gentle.

I treasured that memory, almost clinging to it, bracing for more. Can I have more of this? Will he ever welcome me again if he finds out I was the son of…

“Oh my god?!”

I shrieked at Chloe’s high-pitched dramatic voice when she barged into my room with a phone in her hand, as she found me zoning out in front of my laptop.

“Sino bang nililigawan mo? Oh my gosh! So childish!” natatawa niyang sabi nang mapagtanto kong umaalingawngaw ang Disney song na pinapakabisado sa akin ni Riri.

I wanted to memorize it so I could join their little bonding, and sang along with them once Riri would let me sing the other parts. I badly wanted to join.

“Anong kanta ’to? Bakit ang childish!” natatawa niyang sabi.

“Disney song, Chloe,” I said.

Her eyes widened more that she laughed. “Kuya! Aren’t you too old for this?! Pambata kaya ito! Pambata ang Disney!”

We just grow up too fast, Chloe…

“Aw! The girl is so lucky for letting you get invested in childish things! You are not childish and yet…” she laughed cutely.

“Chloe,” I called while she was still giggling.

“Hmm?” aniya habang busy sa phone at mukhang natutuwa siya sa video ko na pinanood niya iyon.

“Why don’t we go to Hong Kong? Say…let’s visit those…Disneylands?”

Her eyes widened, and she laughed more. “Oh my gosh, kuya! You are so in love—”

“No. I mean… you might want it?”

“Huh? For me? I’m not fond of Disneylands. Childish…” This is my counterpart. I cannot believe it.

“But it’s cute.”

“I’m not cute! Ayoko sa gano’n. I’m not a child anymore, okay! Stop treating me like I’m still your baby!” She leered at me.

And she…matured so early too.

“When you were a child, what did you like so much that you still yearn for it up until now?”

Ang mapaglaro niyang ngiti ay napawi. She was frozen a bit, like I was trying to let us visit our dark childhood past, and our cries would always echo in her mind.

“W-Wala naman…” medyo humina at lumambot ang mapaglaro niyang tinig kanina.

“Wala? Like visiting a castle? Mga ganoon mong thoughts noong bata ka. Wala?”

She seemed to be thinking it so hard, parang kinakalkal niya pa kung meron ba. And the more it’s taking her time, the more I was worried that she could only remember the fights of our parents continuously as our childhood experience.

“Let’s visit Hong Kong. It’s fun there,” agap ko.

She blinked twice. “I just hate loud places, kuya. Kaya hindi ko siguro naeenjoy kasi naiingayan ako,” she shrugged.

Because you are used to the shouts of our parents? I sighed.

“If ever you want something, say anything, just tell me. Let’s stop being so invested in studies and make time for ourselves too. Let’s be childish sometimes…”

Tumingin siya sa akin, naninimbang ang mga mata. I could feel she finds it weird. Though I would always be there for her, I expressed it silently. Our bonds weren’t that fun; it was quiet, like we’d just be together and admire things behavingly.

Maybe I also yearn to see her having fun until she is too weak to laugh, like how I’ve seen Riri bond with Mavric. Because I know Chloe deserves that kind of fun too. I’ve seen her cry a lot of times, and I realized I rarely see her laugh too much.

She was so mature that she didn’t know how to be bubbly sometimes. I would really appreciate it if she behaved like she was a fun kid too. And it wasn’t childish.

It would never be childish for an adult to want something that was never given to their young self.

“Pinaka mysterious nga si Mavric…” ani Shiloh nang siya naman ang makalaro ko ng board games at napag-usapan namin ang circle niya.

“He doesn’t share things? Like anything?” I asked.

Umiling siya. “Ano lang…”

Umangat ang kilay ko. There was that judging in his eyes that’s hard to ignore.

“He told you?”

Kumurap kurap siya. “Ang alin?”

“Fuck buddy?” I tilted my head.

His eyes turned more judgy. He might be that angelic because of his soft features, but the way he looks at you screams something else.

“Bakit si Mavric?” And there.

“My type.” I shrugged.

Namilog ang mga mata niya. “Si Maverick?” he confirmed.

I nodded and was about to move my bishop for a checkmate, but then I just moved the pawn instead. Tiningnan niya saglit, in-analyze iyon, kinain ang pawn gamit ang rook at nangingiti akong tiningnan. He looked so confident that he’d win. Baka pag natalo ko umiyak…

“Edi…”

“Gay? Yes.” I confessed boldly.

His eyes widened that he covered his mouth giddily, like a kid who looked so proud.

“May boyfriend din ako…” he whispered. “Nasa circles din nila…”

Really?

“Pinagselosan ka niya once. Kasi ginawa mo ang assignment ko?”

I don’t need to confirm his sexuality here. He just came out to me, which I find adorable.

“Eh si…Mavric…seloso? Kasi parang ano siya…hindi siya seloso. Sa kanilang lahat, siya ang hindi masyado nagkukwento. Mahirap siyang basahin,” aniya.

Right. He’s just that mysterious. That’s why I was willing to get to know him more. Maybe on the things he likes or that he puts his attention to.

“I just want to understand you based on your designs…” sabi ko.

It was my small steps that let him know I could be serious between us. But every time I’d take those steps lightly, he’d stride fast, so far that I could barely grasp him. Para bang sa bawat isang hakbang ko, patakbo siyang lalayo.

“Why? Ayaw mo niyan…dalawa tayong nambababae?” He immediately shifted the topic, and he wants me to…flirt around.

It was like a sudden warning he had given me that I was invading his boundary. Or I should remember our label and a reality check that he would always be interested in girls.

“Kuya…uh…pupunta ka sa halloween party noong Angela? ’Yung grupo nila… Mavric,” nananantya ang tingin ni Chloe sa akin.

The thing about her is that I’ve memorized her since she was a kid. I don’t know what happened, but she was starting to like him. Ngayon pa na tumigil na.

I’m quite guilty. I think I sabotaged her supposed love life. Alam ko naman na inayawan niya iyon hindi lang dahil naaalala niya ang mga ginagawa ni dad, pero dahil na rin alam niyang hindi ko aprobado.

I judged him to the core, and Chloe, who had seen him play too, misinterpreted his actions. We both painted him wrong because he reminds us of dad’s mistake for continuously cheating on mom. But did he even play to Chloe? I think he didn’t. He was damn serious.

“Sabi ni Verena pupunta ka raw eh,” aniya.

“You want to talk to him?” tanong ko lalo na’t ramdam ko na parang may gusto siyang sabihin.

Namilog ang mga mata niya, kalaunan, marahan siyang tumango. I smiled and nodded.

“I just want to…apologize. I’ve been harsh to him. I think I judge him too much. Feeling ko kasi cheater siya kasi marami siyang girls. Parang si dad…”

“He’s not our dad, Chloe,” I corrected.

Umukit ang panghihinayang sa mukha niya. “I know. Kaya…hihingi ako ng tawad and…”

I nodded again. “Go ahead. Let’s go to the Halloween party so you can apologize to him.”

She smiled enthusiastically. It was like a sudden hope for her. I don’t want to burst her bubble. It would always be up to her if she wanted him now that I realized Mavric would never hurt her like how our father cheated on mom.

But I don’t think I could even watch it.

He’s into girls. Mostly Chloe. And to see him having fun on the dance floor with the girls around him as he approached a woman, crouched a bit, and held her elbow as he leaned closer—I don’t know if they were kissing or not—was already enough evidence.

That’s his main preference. He’s straight. I am not. And I cannot compete with that. Ano bang laban ko kung…babae talaga ang gusto niya? He just punched it straight into my face that he would never…fall for me.

When I found him and Chloe in the room, it was the end for me. I was eager to drop whatever we have at the moment. I don’t want to do my sister so dirty. At…kung gusto siya ni Mavric, o bumalik man, then…who am I to interfere? That’s not my territory anymore.

Lumabas ako at pumunta sa parking lot sa sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. I was brokenhearted, and worse, the feeling seemed to be strangling me.

I knew this thing would turn out ugly. I should have declined his offer from the very beginning. I was too ready to get hurt, but I didn’t expect it would not just cut, but it would break me.

Ang yabang yabang ko na kaya kong manatili sa kung gaano lang ka liit ang gusto niya. Ngunit ngayon, sa sobrang sikip, mas lalo kong naramdaman kung paano ko isiniksik ang sarili ko sa tanging gusto niya.

“Video? You might want to keep a memory?” he chuckled playfully during our third round in my land cruiser.

Sometimes, I would think he wanted to be the top just for an experience, and then he would leave immediately. He’s hard to read, and worse of all, he wasn’t used to communicating what’s on his mind.

He never said he likes me, but he gave me the assurance that he likes to continue whatever is between us. I could still feel he was confused, or he’s not comfortable being called gay, but I could see how he was trying his best to at least reach out, to hear his side of being judged for too long, and to give him time until he fully reciprocates his feelings.

Verena:

Chloe said she saw you kissing Mavric.

Mariin akong napapikit. Ang namimintig kong ulo dahil sa hangover ay mas lumala yata. I had a big headache.

I’ve noticed how she behaved last night. She was broken-hearted. And I think I broke her more.

Lumabas ako ng kuwarto at bumaba para magpasuyo ng gamot sa hangover ko at makausap si Chloe. Kaya noong makita ko siya roon, mugto ang mga mata at tulala na kumakain, natigilan ako.

When she noticed me, her expression darkened, and she immediately stood. Hindi pa siya tapos kumain pero iniwan niya agad.

She passed me, so I grabbed her arm. But when she turned to face me, her hand flew into my cheek until her slap echoed in the kitchen.

Ilang sigundo akong natigilan, ramdam kung gaano ka lakas ang sampal niya, ngunit nang marinig ko ang hikbi niya, doon ako nasaktan.

“I…I trusted you…”

I bowed my head a bit.

“I…thought you were different! I looked up to you! I obeyed your words! I followed you! But you…you lied! All along…you…” she glared at me while her tears were flowing.

Marahan ko siyang nilingon.

“You are so disgusting! You are just like…like dad! You…you are worse than him! Buti pa si dad bulgaran eh! Unlike you!” she cried.

I swallowed hard while she started getting blurry in my eyes.

“I trusted you so much, kuya! Since when, huh?! Kaya mo ba siya sinisiraan sa akin kasi gustong gusto mo siya?! Gano’n ka ka uhaw sa kanya na…inaahas mo…inaahas mo ako?”

Umiling ako. “I wasn’t playing with him during those days he was pursuing—”

“Liar! After what I saw, you think…I could still trust you?! You…you knew how much I hate…I hate people like dad! You knew how much I despise men being so…secretive behind my back! Out of all men out there, you should be the one who knows my pain better, but you…you just repeated dad’s mistake!”

“No, Chloe…” I explained gently, despite how her words cut.

“No?! Ganyan din ang s-sinasabi ni dad n-noon kay mommy! Pero nakikita ko…n-nakikipaghalikan siya sa ibang babae! Nakikita ko! At…tinatanggi mo ngayon…ngunit…ngunit nakita ko rin kayo! You two were fucking kissing like it wasn’t the first time you’ve done this!” nanghihina niyang iyak.

There was no explanation here. I ruined her trust.

“Now tell me the truth! Since when?! During those times he was pursuing me?! Kaya ba…kaya ba galit na galit ka?! All along, I thought you cared! But you were just…jealous!”

“I am not—”

“You aren’t?! Then what was it?! Ano ’yon?! Ilang beses mo siyang siniraan sa akin at ilang beses mo akong pinagsabihang huwag akong magpapaloko sa kagaya niya! What’s your motive then?!”

I gritted my teeth and looked away.

“See?! You are guilty like dad—”

“He’s the son of that woman you loathe the most. Do you understand it?” giit ko at pinutol siya.

“The reason why I don’t approve him is because I know how you would react if you’d fallen for the son of the woman whom you hated so much!” I said in a controlled rage since I didn’t want to shout at her.

Her eyes widened, and she completely froze in shock.

“That woman you were suspecting as dad’s new woman…is Mavric’s mom, Chloe…”

Her shoulder loosened that I’ve seen the disgust in her face worsen. Namula lalo ang mga mata niya, nagbagsakan ang mga luha at tahimik na umiyak.

“I approached him at first to expose his mom. That’s my main…” I looked away, guilty that it never crossed my mind anymore.

“I want to bring him to the hotel…so he can see it on his own…”

“Which of your other plans was to pretend to be gay?” she concluded.

Pretend? And that wasn’t even the plan.

Tila ba nabuhusan siya ng tubig sa mga sinabi ko na ang galit niya ay naglaho, ngunit nakikita ko pa rin sa mga mata niya kung gaano ko siya nasaktan.

“Then what were you waiting for? Bakit hindi mo pa rin sinasabi sa kanya? If he found it out, he would—”

“He’d self-destruct, Chloe…” agap ko. “So don’t expose it drastically.”

Kumuyom ang mga kamay niya. “Then that’s better! Para makita ng mommy niya ang epekto sa anak niya!”

I gritted my teeth. See? The moment she found out Mavric was the son of that woman, she would completely throw a bomb at him.

“No… He needs time.”

“Time?! What the hell, kuya! Tell him! Stop toying with him! Hinalikan mo siya at may pinaggagawa kayo but once he finds out your real motive, he will blame you! He’s an asshole and—”

“Chloe,” mariin akong pumikit. “I know you’re mad, but he’s just like us. He doesn’t know his mom was cheating behind their father. He respected his mom. He looks up to her probably. So imagine the betrayal…Imagine how it would hurt him. Imagine the first time you’ve seen…dad…”

Tumahimik siya at medyo nag-isip ng malalim sa kabila ng mga luha niya.

“He has siblings, Chloe. Kids. Kaedad natin noong…”

She sobbed right away. “Nakakadiri sila! Mga hayop!”

“The kids were too dependent on Mavric. If their brother would self-distruct, the kids would crumble down along with him.”

Umiyak siya sa galit at pagkamuhi. It would always be a trigger for her every time we would remember dad’s cheating. Nasanay na kami ngayon habang lumalaki, pero kailanman, hindi naghilom ang sugat.

She was completely mad at me for days, which I understood when she started being distant. I tried reaching out to Mavric too, but he’s keeping a distance as well.

He wasn’t really ready. Ganitong problema pa lang, para na naman siyang nanliliit at gustong tumakbo. And Shiloh also confirmed to me that Mavric doesn’t share anything emotional. Even Shiloh, who’s very comforting, wasn’t enough to trigger him to open up.

Shiloh:

Si Mavric nag-open up.

And the next thing I received was Mavric’s text during Christmas.

It was the only sign I was waiting for. If he would self-destruct, I knew he would find a way to fix himself. I just…know. I…trust him on this. He would remember his siblings in the middle of it.

“I-I’m sorry…” he uttered when he finally met up with me.

I was holding back my tears. I don’t want to be selfish. I knew I would never be enough to calm him down. He would drop me without hesitation, while I wanted to hold him so tight.

“I lost interest in things that hurt me, and… I’m hurt why you are freely hanging out with Verena in public and you’re…keeping me in private…”

Sunod sunod ang pag-oopen up niya, which was so rare. He told me everything, but instead of being proud, I was aching.

I pulled him for a kiss while I was dying to hold him tight and plead with him to consider me at least…or to lean on me while he’s crumbing down.

“I’ve fallen, Rade…” he confessed in the middle of the kiss that I needed to stop just to breathe.

I bowed and controlled my tears, as I wanted to breakdown so badly.

“Here’s my fucking demand! Get the fuck out of my sight!” he shouted aggresively with his bloodshot eyes.

Dumalo agad ang mommy niya sa akin, nag-alala sa lakas ng pagkakasuntok sa akin. Sumakay siya sa motorbike ko at pinaharurot iyon. Fuck.

Mabilis ang pagtayo ng mommy niya at nagpara na ng taxi para sundan ito. I was still on the ground when my father pulled me up angrily.

I expected it. He would explode, and he would not hesitate to turn his back on me. Sigurado akong naisip niya na…iyon lang ang pakay ko.

“Wala kang utang na loob!” My father’s punch landed on me as soon as he went home.

Napaatras ako at natumba sa sahig.

“Dad!” natatarantang tumakbo si Chloe ngunit bago pa makarating, humataw na sa akin ang bakal ng sinturon niyang hinampas niya sa akin pagkatapos niyang hubarin at hilain. I grunted when the blood trickled down my cheek.

“Dad! Enough!” sigaw ni Chloe sa umiiyak na boses.

I covered my face to at least protect me from the belt. Ngunit sa bawat hataw niya, para iyong mainit na latigong humahampas sa katawan ko.

“Anong nakain mo at nandoon ka kasama ang anak ni Georgia?! You are gay?! May anak akong bakla?! Piece of shit! Ayaw mo na ngang tumulong sa negosyo, bibigyan mo pa ako nang ganitong kahihiyan!”

“Kahihiyan? Mas kahihiyan ba ang pagiging bakla ko kaysa sa pagloloko mo mo kay mommy—” I grunted when he hit the belt roughly at me.

“Tang ina kang bata ka! Marunong ka nang sumagot! Have you forgotten who’s feeding you, huh?! Sinong nagpapaaral sa’yo?! Kung dinala ka ng ina mo, edi nagtitiis kayo ngayon sa hirap kasama ’yung mommy niyo! You owe your life to me, Rade!”

“Then take this life! Take it! Because I never wanted a father like you, dad! You…. cheated on mom and you…traumatized us, especially Chloe! You should have just used goddamn protection during those days so you would not have us if you can’t even be a father to us and a husband to mom!” I shouted.

Sinubukan niya akong hatawin ng belt ngunit dumalo na si Chloe at yumakap sa akin kaya sinalo ko ang belt na iyon. If he fucking hurt my sister, I would never hesitate to use violence on him right now.

“Bata pa lang kami, pinatikom mo na ang bibig namin! You were so shameless on cheating behind mom that you’d get angry when you get exposed! I waited for this, dad… I wanted to grow up so bad so I could stand against you! So I would show you the son you’ve raised in this hell of a house that I could finally fight back!” And for the first time, I finally shouted it, which was so satisfying.

He grabbed the neckline of my shirt forcefully out of his anger while his hand was already in fist as he tried to pull me up. Umiyak si Chloe at umiling kay dad, hinila ako pabalik at mas niyakap nang mahigpit habang galit ko siyang tiningnan, na kahit bugbugin niya ako ngayon, hinding hindi ko babawiin ang mga sinabi ko.

“Hindi mo nga…maalala ang birthday namin…” I looked at him angrily with my blurry eyes.

His eyes turned more bloodshot that his rage weakened with my sudden confrontation.

“Yes, you aren’t that affectionate, dad. You are not sentimental, but the least you could do is to at least be a responsible father, but you still failed.”

He glared at me. Gusto niya akong saktan sa sobrang galit sa mukha niya, ngunit alam ko, napatid ko siya. Nanginginig na niyakap ni Chloe ang leeg ko at nilingon si dad sa bigong mga mata. I hugged her back using my right arm to show him I’m willing to risk it all just so he would not even hurt her right now. Because if he did, the hospital would be his house for a year because I’d make sure I’d break his bones.

“Kung utang na loob ito then take my life! I’ll pay it according to your satisfaction, so take it back!” hamon ko, na kung hindi lang nakayakap si Chloe, tatayo ako at hahayaan siyang gawin kung ano man ang gusto niyang mangyari.

“Get the fuck out of my house if you disrespect me like this!” galit niyang sigaw, ang ugat sa noo ay klaro na.

I bravely stood. Umiling si Chloe at mahigpit na kumapit sa akin.

“Go to your room, Chloe!” Dad snarled.

Chloe has been so afraid of him that his rules were always a law she needed to obey, like how I used to follow him out of terror. But no. I refused to be that kid anymore.

“Tama na…” iyak ni Chloe sa marahang pagmamakaawa nang tingnan si dad.

My father pointed at me, glaring, wanting to say something, but he shut his mouth and turned his back angrily. Sinipa niya ang malaking vase na agarang nabasag habang nagulat si Chloe doon.

Mas lalo siyang humikbi at humagulhol sa balikat ko. Nanginginig ang labi ko sa halo halong emosyon habang nagbabaksakan ang luha ko.

“Let’s leave him, Chloe,” I urged.

Tumango agad siya. “O-Okay…”

It was my own goal since I was a kid, which is why I entered businesses that weren’t in my father’s company, just so I could challenge myself so that I could raise myself and Chloe without his money.

If being able to stand against him means stripping off everything he spent on us, then I would.

Noong bata pa ako, natatakot akong umalis dahil wala naman akong pera. My grandparents and even our relatives think my father’s behavior is just tolerable and that it is okay as long as he spends his money on us. As long as we are sheltered in his house. But no. It was another kind of torture.

“Anak pa rin naman siya. Isa pa, hindi naman nagkulang sa pagpapalaki. May ibang bata nga diyan halos walang makain, walang magandang matitirhan, o nanglilimos nalang sa daan hindi katulad niyang nasa mayamang pamilya. He should be grateful to his father instead of rebelling…” I heard my Tita’s statement when she called to Chloe which I wanted to laugh.

Those kids who are in the streets might be suffering from the parent’s recklessness again, which is another story. It was so easy to compare which one was suffering more, invalidating the sufferings of someone else just to justify their twisted beliefs in life.

Na kung bata ka, lumaki, ay utang na loob mo sa pamilya mo ang buhay mo. I appreciated dad for spending his money on us, but that is the main responsibility of a parent and should not be used for threatening the kids to control their minds that their lives aren’t theirs—that it would still belong to the parents. A fucked-up mindset of adults who think the kids owe them something when they were the ones who decided to become parents.

“Kuya…I can work too,” ani Chloe.

Umiling ako. “Ako na ang bahala, Chloe.”

It was hard. But if I wanted to completely cut off dad, I should stop using his money. Na kung iyon ang basehan niya na wala akong karapatang pumalag sa ginagawa niya, then I would rather leave his watch.

We enrolled at the other university to focus more since I also don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Isa pa, I need to concentrate on my studies more.

I noticed Riri wasn’t invested in her phone anymore. Even Jester. It was like a sudden change where I was completely pushed out of their lives. Ganoon siya ka galit na ayaw niyang may bahid ko sa buhay niya.

I was once there too. I hated you so much that I sometimes wanted to see you crumble down. But look at where it got me.

February when Chloe finally softened. Abala ako sa laptop at inaasikaso ang business ko nang gumapang siya sa kandungan ko at niyakap ako. Nawala agad ang atensyon ko sa ginagawa at iniyapos ang braso sa baywang niya, ang labi ko ay idinikit sa ulo niya. She frowned at me and sighed heavily.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, big girl,” I whispered gently.

“I’m sorry…” she whispered weakly.

I kissed the top of her forehead. Tumingala siya at mas nanlambot ang tingin nang tingin ang pisngi ko. The small cut that was almost fading because of my father’s belt was still there.

“Ain’t your fault,” I said.

“I mean…nagalit ako at iniwasan kita. And I…actually told Mavric to stay away from you because I knew he would be so mad he…might blame you… I…also told him na he would only taint your image.”

I nodded quietly.

“I hate people like him—or his circles, kuya. They’re womanizers. Naiirita ako kasi feeling ko, marami silang mabibiktima na girls. I hate the feeling. Naaalala ko lagi si dad.”

“I know…”

“But…at the same time, you are right. He’s just like us. We weren’t cheaters despite having a cheating father, so…I think…he’s a nice person too. I just misinterpreted him because of his lack of assurance sometimes…”

Tahimik ko siyang pinakinggan hanggang tumingala siya ulit.

“You’ve noticed?” she asked.

“Notice what?”

“He’s…having feelings for you? He’s different. I mean…I’ve never seen him like that.”

“He confessed to me when I exposed his parents…”

Her eyes widened. I smiled weakly.

“And he demanded to stay out of his sight. It’s done, Chloe.”

Napabangon ang ulo niyang nakahiga sa balikat ko. “See?! I told you he would drop it once he found out! Kasi ganyan ’yan siya, duwag! Mahilig tumakbo! He’s really gay!” Akala ko ba gusto niyang lumayo sa akin?

“Being vulnerable isn’t gay, Chloe. Stop using that term.”

“Pero gay naman talaga siya ah?! Ang pangit naman kung sasabihin ko, he’s really a man! He’s not!” Medyo natatawa siya.

God. This girl. I pulled her head to my shoulder again so she would just calm down. She hugged me sideways.

“I’m so mad at you. Hindi naman ako galit na mga bakla kayo or what, but I feel so betrayed. Sobrang close natin, kuya. I looked up to you. I told myself I would never find a boyfriend unless you approve it because I was used to your guidance. I was used to you protecting me, comforting me, and assuring me. I was so open to you because that’s what you taught me tapos malalaman ko na…all this time, you were gay? At si Mavric pa ang may alam? I feel like… you don’t trust me,” she whined like a kid.

I pressed my lips against her head gently. “Sorry. I just don’t want to involved you on this since I know it’s a trigger to you…”

She groaned. “You don’t know how much I want to comfort you sometimes. To see you smiling or laughing too. To let you enjoy yourself because you grew up taking care of me. Worrying for me. And replacing the responsibility of our parents. I remembered all your sacrifices, even dad’s punishments for me, kahit iyon sinasalo mo. You deserve the love, kuya. And I was waiting for that moment so I could support you, and to see you so happy. Kaya nakakairita na…nilihim mo sa akin.”

My shoulder loosened. She never grew up in my eyes. She was still that three-year-old kid I held in my arms who sobbed against my chest while her other hand was holding the ear of her rabbit as I whispered to her that no one could ever hurt her.

“I am fine if you’re…gay. I don’t really mind! But you know how disgusting it is for me to see those men who remind me of dad so much. Ayoko ng mga…palihim…kasi ganoon si dad. Ayoko ng pinagsisinungalingan ako.” She hugged me tightly.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to know the truth about Mavric because I know you would overreact.”

“Oo kuya. Magsasabunutan kami. Sasabunutan ko siya,” she joked.

“Crush mo ’yan ah?” biro ko na agarang ikinangiwi niya.

“Excuse me? In love ka diyan! You turned gay for him! Mas malala ka!”

I shrugged. “Fine with me…”

She leered more. “No! Pinakialaman mo ang lovelife ko, kaya papakialaman ko ang sa’yo this time! Let’s find someone else! You should start dating! I’ll find someone else for you!”

And yet she made him her blueprint. Hahanapan daw ako ng iba pero paano ko makakalimutan ’yung isa kung may dimple at curly hair ang basehan niya.

Chloe:

Nanganak na si Mavi! Three puppies!

Ang text ni Chloe sa papalapit na summer. My hopes rose as soon as I found an excuse to go to Batangas, since I promised Riri I’d give her one of the puppies. Hindi naman sa ginagamit ko itong dahilan para makita siya…

But maybe he had calmed down already.

“Si Mavric ba? Ah wala dito…” Lala said as an excuse after glancing at the side like she was only told to say it.

Well, if he doesn’t want to see me yet…

“Ah, hindi… I actually came for this,” sabi ko at inilahad ang tuta.

I could almost feel someone’s disappointment. And he was really eager not to face me that he would just hide the entire hour while I was there.

Itinuro ni Jest ang likod at tiningnan ako. He was trying to give me a hint about his brother. If I went there, he might only throw tantrums. I wanted to laugh about it. Ganito pala siya magtampo? Where’s that cool and unbothered Maverick Evander, who seemed so chill? You lost your composure when it came to me?

“Alam kong mali…” his mother stated continuously, asking for forgiveness about their dirt.

This is a long-overdue sin that she only corrected when the damage had already been done. Naaawa ako sa mga anak niya.

I don’t know what’s in their minds that they could set aside the emotions of their kids and cheat behind their loved ones’s backs. Anong klaseng pagmamahal ’yan? They knew it was wrong, and yet they have done it. They knew they would hurt those who loved them, and they still committed it.

“If there was someone who truly deserves an apology, I think it’s your kids, architect…” I said in a cold voice.

Namumula ang mga mata niya habang tumatango.

“Bumabawi ako…pero si Mavric…mailap pa.”

Of course. He’s now grown up. If Riri and Jester were his age, I don’t think they would be easy on her too, knowing they’re too dependent on their brother more than their parents. They looked up to him.

“Rade…m-may…relasyon ba kayo?” she asked bravely.

So she couldn’t ask his son about this?

“Mavric is quite sensitive about gay…” she paused for a while, looked around to see if someone’s listening, then looked at me. “He’s not entirely open about it.”

“No. He’s open, architect. Maybe you just never communicated about it.”

Her eyes widened. I know. I memorized him more than you’ve known your son. I paid more attention to him than you’ve given your time to get to know him better.

“And I’ve…fallen for him,” I confessed bravely.

Mas lalong namilog ang mga mata niya. It was like she already had a clue about it, knowing they had seen us in the hotel together, but she was trying to dodge it. But here you go.

She might have done something unforgivable, but I want her to know that if she tried to hurt him again, I’d be there for him. I’d stand against her too.

Mavric has always been hard to read. He might be too chill, but he knows how to hide his shit so well. He knows how to be sneaky. He knows how to bury his emotions and act like he’s the most unbothered person existing.

His expressions from the past were chill and calm. He would only smile or smirk, like if you punched him, he would be that playful while licking the cut in his lips because he takes things lightly. Tatanggapin niya lahat ngunit ipagkikibit balikat din iyon, at hahayaan kang isipin kung ano man ang gusto mong isipin sa kanya.

He was that pain in the ass, a straight asshole for someone who would invest too much emotion in him, and yet he would only cater to what he liked and set aside those emotional things.

But when I found him running concernedly to where the accident was, I saw him lose his cool. He cares. Parang noong tumakbo siya sa parking lot at handang magpaliwanag. Handang lumuhod. Handang bumaba sa lupa.

That was the only hint I’ve been waiting for that he might be silently waiting for me to explain too. Alam ko naman na wala siyang pakialam doon. Even if I tell him things, he’s hard to please sometimes. Hindi sentimental. Like, words would never weigh for him because he grew up with no proper communication, and it would never hold any power in him.

But still, I wanted to ease his mind at least.

“Happy birthday,” bati ko kay Verena.

“May nabanggit si Chloe,” she said, raising her brow.

“Yeah. Courting,” I nodded.

She chuckled lightly. “Goodluck. Balita ko kakaiba daw ’yan.”

Kakaiba nga. I remembered how he confessed that he’s jealous of Verena, but I never sensed it. He had just suddenly distanced himself. Akala ko, dahil sa set-up, o nawawalan siya ng gana dahil masyadong komplikado, but he was jealous and hurt that I was keeping him privately.

That’s where I slowly understood what kind of love he was craving. He likes it to be expressed boldly. Gusto niya, na kung kanya, dapat alam iyon ng lahat. Knowing he’s fond of taking photos of intimate moments, it’s like he wanted his partner to match his vibe and be so eager to love him proudly.

He didn’t know that once he’d fall for me, I’d be marking him so vulgarly that all of those memories I remembered from him, where he would not even take a glance at me, would diminish. Because I’ll make sure this time, even if he got his time to glance at anyone, he would always be occupied by me. That there will be no room for anyone—but me.

“Hay, ewan ko kay Mavric. Ganito pala ka tigas…” reklamo ni Lala at nagkamot ng ulo nang ilahad ko ang regalo para kay Jester.

“Ayos lang, Lala,” sabi ko.

“Kaya kahit ’yung dad niyan, nahihirapan din sa kanya. Para siyang si Jester kung nagtatampo,” aniya.

I would not even lie that the pictures I’ve seen uploaded by his friends during his Siargao trip for his birthday didn’t cut. It did.

I’ve seen his world, where I would never fit. He doesn’t know how much it hurts me, but I didn’t want to tell him because I knew he would feel bad. Ayoko namang sirain din iyon. He’s still mad. He might be entertaining me, but with one wrong move, he’d distance himself. Parang ayaw niya nang mahulog, sinisikap gumapang palayo, kahit nahihila siya ng paunti-unti.

But I won’t force anything here. I would not pull him. He could stay on top of me until he likes, but once he remembers me, I’ll make sure I’ll be the one catching him.

“Pag papasok ka sa kuwarto no’n, matatawa ka. Ginagawa niya na yata lahat. Kahit ang mga libro, sobrang arranged. Eh hindi naman ’yan siya ganyan! Makalat ’yan sa gamit! Wala siyang pakialam minsan kaya ako lagi ang naglilinis kasi may mga hahanapin siyang gamit na biglang nawawala dahil hahayaan niya lang! Nakakapanibago talaga siya,” natatawang kuwento ni Lala.

I smiled. I find it cute. He’s like a kid who doesn’t want to show up unless you make an effort through your presence. Kung hindi ko ’yan susuyuin, baka sa susunod na mga taon, magulat nalang ako, di na ako kilala.

But I’m willing to be on my knees here if that’s how he likes it. I’m willing to shoot my shot endlessly until he grows tired and just welcomes me again. It was like a sudden throwback from the past, but this time, I was willing to chase after him and tell him boldly that I’m in love with him.

“Fuck!” he loudly grunted.

I knew his thirst for being the top. He was eager for it, but when I let him, he seemed so knocked out that he just bent for me when we continued it in the shower as I pushed it back on him.

His back arched as his other hand reached for my nape, while I crawled my hand and wrapped my hand around his shaft as I rocked him hard while he shut his eyes and grunted pleasurably.

The trickling hot water made our bodies more hot. I might be doing it slowly, but every time I push it back, I’ll ram it to the brim that he would almost lose himself from whimpering.

“I’m… so… in love with you,” I whispered hoarsely.

Itinuko niya ang kamay sa pader kaya umupo ako at hinayaan siyang makaupo sa kandungan ko. I pushed his back a bit and reclined my body as I bit my lips and watched my hardness pound on him fast.

“Damn…it!” He whimpered as I bit his neck when he leaned against me and lifted his head weakly, his eyes shut, and his lips parted.

Titig na titig ako sa kanya sa salaming nasa harap. He looked so satisfied that it was etched on his face. He seemed so turned on that the veins on his neck were too visible, and his face looked so red.

He joined my hand and stroked himself fast while he glanced at me and pulled my nape for a kiss.

“My back hurts,” he yawned, and he rested his head against my shoulder when we decided to get up so I could cook for him.

I smirked. Kung makaliyad ba naman kagabi akala niya gano’n siya ka lambot. I chuckled and ruffled his hair a bit as he looked at me gently.

“Maybe you fractured your spinal cord from bending too much?”

Pumikit siya at humalakhak na itinago ang mukha sa leeg ko. I tilted it a bit as I let my hand rest on his head.

“Tss. Pagod lang ako kagabi kasi nakainom ng kaonti. Pag hindi ako nakainom…baka mas nalamangan kita.” At nagyayabang na naman.

“Later, then,” I challenged.

He grunted and bit my neck. Bahagya akong pumikit ngunit itinuon ang atensyon sa niluluto dahil baka masunog.

“Pagod pa rin ako…” aniya at itinuko ang kamay sa gilid ng sink.

Tiningnan ko iyon saglit. Nang mapansin niya ang mga mata ko, inalis niya iyon doon at iniyapos sa baywang ko.

“You like this?” He asked, smiling at me.

Seryoso akong tumango habang tinitingnan ang niluluto. Humalakhak siya sa tainga ko at dinampian ng halik ang aking leeg.

“What else? Hmm…you like cuddles, and you also like back hugs? You also like my kisses. Ah, I knew it. I’m in charge here.” Nanunuya niyang inilandas ang tungki ng ilong sa leeg ko.

Kung pwede ko lang talsikan ng mantika…

“But I like it. I like your clingy side. I like how you seem too cold and nonchalant, but I knew, deep inside, that you craved my warmth. You crave for my kisses. You crave for me…” he whispered while the tip of his nose grazed continuously up to the side of my jaw.

There was a battle going on in my stomach when it was rumbling from the intense chill I got from his words. Hindi siya vocal at ngayong natututo nang isatinig ang mga nasa isip niya, mas nakakatunaw.

“I may not tell you this all the time, but you’ve made me so whipped for you that I can’t picture the future without you. So…I’m willing to improve myself to love you the way you love me,” patuloy niya sa marahang tinig.

My eyes softened that I turned off the stove and glanced at him. I cupped his jaw, then brushed my lips on his, tilting my head and shoving my tongue in for a deep, intimate kiss. This side of him would be the death of me…

After a couple of days, we finally traveled for Siargao. Kasama namin ang dalawa niyang kapatid na sobrang excited.

“Yabang,” he groaned with a smile on his lips.

Marahan akong humalakhak sa tainga niya. Nakasandal siya sa topless kong katawan at nakakulong sa nakabukaka kong mga binti habang nasa dagat ang tingin namin, sa dalawang makulit na naaaliw gumawa ng sandcastle. 

“What?” I laughed again. “I meant it. If I fail in surfing, you’d be the top for a week…”

He rolled his eyes, but his smile would always be playfully displayed on his lips.

“Tss. Kabisado na kita. Ibig sabihin niyan, matututo ka agad.” Sumuko na yata.

“Where’s my competitive Evander?” I whispered with a smile on my lips too, enjoying his little frustration about being the top.

His lips twitched while his tongue playfully swirled as he completely rested his head against my shoulder. Nakangiti siyang tinitigan ako.

“Fallen? That’s why maybe he couldn’t stay as the top?” And he’s really good at making excuses just to remain cool.

But he got me there. Yeah. It’s another level when he’s vocal and flirting with me. I’d melt right then.

Nang matahimik ako, humalakhak siya, ngiting ngiti.

“I’m in love. You can’t blame me for not making it to the top, you know.” He pressed his lips against my neck and bit it lightly.

Damn…Evander and his little ways to bend me more than how bent I am for him.

I let him do it while my eyes were glued to his siblings, who are so invested in their sandcastle that they have their own world.

“Oh no!” Riri whined when the waves crashed against their sandcastle.

Tumingin agad siya doon, medyo nag-aalala. Jester laughed and ran toward us while he was just topless, carrying the small bucket I bought for them and the shell necklace we were all wearing.

Napatingin ako sa twin dimple na lumabas sa paghalakhak ni Jester. It rarely shows, but when it does, you would tell he was giggling so much that it suddenly appeared.

“Poor baby,” Mavric laughed while watching Riri, who even hugged her sandcastle, trying to stop it from crashing.

Natatawang umupo si Jester sa nakaparteng mga hita ni Mavric at ginaya ang kapatid niyang nakasandal sa dibdib ko, saka rin siya sumandal doon.

Tumingin si Riri sa amin. Nang mapansin ang ayos, kahit hawak niya pa ang pala niya, nagtatakbo siyang lumapit habang sumasabog ang maalon niyang buhok suot ang floral niyang swimsuit.

She giggled, sat in between Jester’s parted legs, and leaned against her brother’s back too. Inilahad ni Mavric ang phone kay Riri na nagpicture sa harap at itinagilid namin ang mga ulo para makita sa camera.

The three had the same lively vibe, while I looked like a stranger. Parang ako iyong snowman sa cover photo nila, at pinalitan ko lang ngayon.

We tried different activities in Siargao. We tried jetski, kayak, and of course, we built another sandcastle for Riri.

Ngumisi ako nang tingnan si Mavric na nakahiga sa buhangin at sa tiyan niya naglalaro ang dalawa habang hinuhulma nila ang basang buhangin doon.

This is really what I like about him. He would always let his siblings play. Hindi niya binabasag. Kahit pa gawin siyang katatawanan, he would always be game for it. Cute.

“See the line where the sky meets the sea, it calls me! And no one knows! How far it go!” biglang birit ni Riri sabay hampas ng alon sa kanya.

Jester covered his ears teasingly while Riri tried to pass her improvised microphone, which was her shovel toy, to him. Umiling si Jester kaya yumuko siya at itinapat ang pala sa bibig ng kuya niyang nakabaon pa rin sa buhangin.

“If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me. One day I’ll know…” he sang gently in a lower tone.

Riri immediately stood up and handed the shovel to me. So I crouched a bit to whisper it into her microphone.

“If I’ll go there just no telling how far I’ll go…” I sang too, almost in a whisper, in a lower voice, proud that I knew the song.

When I found Maverick’s eyes, he looked so stunned that I knew the song. Well, I memorized it for this kind of situation. I’m prepared.

We spent too much time on the beach. Naka piggy back si Jester sa akin, si Riri sa Kuya niya na tumitili pag lumalangoy kami habang matatawa naman si Jester sa reaksyon ng kapatid niyang babae. They were both so enjoying it that I sometimes noticed I’d laugh along with them because of their contagious giggles.

“Let’s swim…” bulong ni Riri sa balikat niya habang nilalabanan ang antok ngunit napapapikit na nang magpasya na kaming pumasok dahil gabi na rin.

Hawak ko ang kamay ni Jester na nakasunod sa pagpasok nila sa hotel room namin lalo na’t hindi na talaga kaya ni Riri. Gustong gusto pa sanang maligo sa labas.

“Kuya Arki, let’s surf again tomorrow,” anyaya ni Jester.

“We will.”

He smiled at me and showed his fist enthusiastically. I bumped it, and his smile grew even wider.

“Thank you, Kuya Arki…”

I smiled and ruffled his hair. “You’re welcome. And thank you too…”

Nakatulog agad ang dalawa pagkatapos lang maligo at magbihis. Kumakain pa lang kanina, antok na si Riri. Si Jester naman, mga bandang eight p.m. nakatulog din.

“Man…I think I got a natural blush from the heat of the sun,” reklamo niya nang buksan ang front cam at namumula ang pisngi niya.

I tilted my head so I could see myself on the camera too. Ngumisi agad siya at pinindot iyon. My brow shot up as I looked at him. His face looked like he had a crimson freckles dotted on the bridge of his nose, which actually suits him well. Mistiso ba naman at…

Nang makita niyang titig na titig ako, doon ko nalang namalayan ang labi niya sa akin.

“Kisses?” he whispered, like I was dying to be kissed because of the way I looked at him.

“I’m admiring you. You’re just too good-looking,” I said in between his kisses.

Tumigil siya at nakaangat agad ang kilay sa akin, tumatakas na naman ang kayabangan.

“Proud that you have a hot boyfriend?”

I sneered, but smiled. He licked his lips and laughed. Tumingin ako sa dimple niya. I would never miss that opportunity to look at him during his dimple flash because of how gorgeously handsome he looks. Para bang bumubukas ang langit at may itinatapong anghel na masyadong pasaway sa itaas kaya siya nandito sa ibaba.

We only spent the night talking in bed silently. Nagkukwento siya ng kung ano-ano at tahimik ko lang siyang tinitigan, nakikinig. It’s my own sanctuary to actually listen to him talk nonstop since he never loses his smile, and I would find myself smiling lightly too, whipped by my Evander.

Chloe:

Family bond? So I’m not part of the family?

I chuckled at Chloe’s text early in the morning. She wants to join?

Rade:

I thought you hated childish things? You’re a big girl, right?

Chloe:

I could be that cute girl’s Ate! She would like me! She could relate to me!

Rade:

She likes cute things, Chloe. Disney.

Chloe:

Fine! I like Disney too! I know Frozen! Take me to Disneyland! With the kids! Don’t bring your boyfriend. He would only ruin the mood.

“Maldita. She might influence Riri with that demonic attitude of hers,” ani Mavric na nasa gilid ko lang, nakikibasa sa reply niya at gising na rin.

He posted pictures of our Siargao trip yesterday na s-in-end ko din kay Chloe. He also changed his cover photo with that picture of us while they were leaning against each other’s backs, tilting their heads, and smiling at the camera, while I also copied it and smiled a bit.

His profile picture was also changed. He was topless, wearing his sunglasses, while he glanced at my back as I captured it on a lower level so I could include the blue sky. His simple caption was ‘Yes, I’m yours.’

“Chloe is actually cute. She just grew up too fast. But she has a cute side,” sabi ko.

Umismid siya. The two were suddenly enemies. Parang hindi ko nahuli sa sala, huh?

“The brother is way cuter…” ngisi niya at lumapit sa akin, nasa labi ko na ang tingin.

I was bracing for the kiss when his phone rang, and instead of kissing me, inabot niya nalang ang phone sa gilid ko. Tiningnan ko ang screen at nakitang tumatawag ang dad niya.

I thought he wouldn’t answer it. Gusto ko pa sanang umalis sa tabi niya, ngunit inangatan ako ng kilay at mukhang ayaw akong paalisin.

“Dad…” he answered.

Humalukipkip ako sa headboard ng kama at tahimik siyang pinanood. Tulog pa si Jester at Riri sa kabilang kama, pagod na pagod yata kahapon.

“How’s the Siargao trip?” tanong ng dad niya.

“Very fun, dad.”

“Yeah. I could really tell. Ang lakas ng hagikhik ni Riri at Jester sa videos na s-in-end mo. They’re having fun with your…” his father cleared its throat suspiciously.

Tumingin siya saglit sa akin bago nakangiting sinagot ang dad niya.

“Boyfriend, dad,” he introduced.

“Yeah. Boyfriend. Literal na lalaking kaibigan?” his father said playfully.

Mavric laughed. I furrowed my brows as I tried to remain silent. Ipinaharap niya sa akin ang camera.

“This is Arki, which is…Rade,” pakilala niya.

His father smiled widely at me, amused. Marahan akong tumango.

“Good morning, Engineer…” magalang na bati ko.

“Good morning! Gabi pa dito. Ikaw pala ’yon? Marami akong naririnig sa’yo kila Riri. Nice to meet you!” his father conversed enthusiastically.

I smiled a little. His father looked so friendly, like he’d be easy to approach because of his welcoming vibe. Mukhang mixed si Mavric ng parents niya.

“Thank you for visiting my kids during summer. You’re making them happy,” patuloy niya.

I smiled a little. “I’m also having fun, sir…” And… “Nanunuyo rin po ako that time kaya balik nang balik sa bahay niyo…”

His father chuckled, and Mavric was kind of proud that I admitted it boldly.

“Pinahirapan ka ba? Medyo sakit sa ulo ang panganay ko. Matigas ’yan…” he lightly chuckled.

I chuckled too and glanced at his son. “Kailangan nga po ng mahabang pasensya…”

“Habaan mo talaga. Mavric is hard to please. Ilang taon din ako niyang ini-snob. Akala ko nga baka nagka-uban nalang ako—”

“Dad,” ang kanyang anak na medyo natawa.

Umahon ang ulo bigla ni Riri, buhaghag pa ang buhok at naniningkit ang mga mata nang marinig ang dad niya.

“Daddy?” she called cutely and crawled out of bed.

Umakyat siya sa kama namin at gumapang sa akin habang humihikab. I snuggled her in my arms as she tilted her head to see the camera.

“Good morning, baby,” his father greeted warmly.

“Good morning, daddy! Look! Arki gave me a necklace made of shells. We’re all matching,” aniya at ipinagmayabang iyon.

His father smiled even more. “Your brother’s boyfriend is so kind…”

“Yes! Arki is kuya’s boyfriend. And I am Arki’s baby. Jester too. We are his babies. And Kuya too since I heard Arki call Kuya as his baby…”

Nagkatinginan kami ni Maverick. Kahit ang ama niya, humalakhak.

“Your kuya is too old to be a baby, isn’t he?”

Riri nodded bubbly. Bago pa maipagpatuloy ang sasabihin, dumagan na rin sa likod ni Riri si Jester na kakagising lang. Mavric pulled Riri away from me to at least give Jester some space.

“Morning, daddy!” si Jester na tiningnan ang sariling mukha habang nagkakamot ng mata sa camera.

“Morning, Jest! You had fun?”

He nodded and yawned. “We played surfing. Kuya is teaching us. And dad…I’m gonna start my taekwondo this month!”

“Woah? That’s cool! New hobby?”

“Yes! Kuya Arki is into taekwondo. He will sign me up!” may galak sa tinig ni Jester.

“Dad! I will sing Anna’s song once you come home!” si Riri na isiningit ang ulo sa camera.

The morning was filled with their noise, which I find therapeutic. Nag-order na kami ng makakain pagkatapos magpaalam sa daddy niya, pero patuloy pa rin ang topic ng dalawa sa gagawin namin mamaya.

He tagged me in his posted pictures again, to which he put the simple caption ‘family time’. Mabilis iyong dinagsa ng mga friends namin sa Facebook, but most of the comment section was bombarded by his loud friends.

Reagan Aldric Vallejo:

Kapatid mo pala si Tejano dude?

Ronan Slade Veniel:

New trend ba ’to? Ang hirap sabayan ah?

Shiloh Ching Escarra:

Cutie Riri and Jester :(

Tyler Coast Cervando:

Family time pero wala ako? Where’s the fun bro? I thought we’re family here?

If only I could report a comment…

But then, it was good to see my feed being dominated by his tags. Look how far I’ve come. Noon lang, binibisita ko pa ang Facebook niya at iniinsulto ang bawat post niya. And now…I’m already here.

Brent:

Shiloh is whining about the sandcastle. Let’s set another schedule for our next island hop.

Iyon ang text na lumabas sa phone niya lalo na’t sa phone niya ako nakilog-in para tingnan.

“Weekly yata kayo may mga gala,” komento ko nang maalalang mahilig sila sa trip.

“It depends on the occasion. But yes, the girls love to plan things. We’d just join since we have messy plans, unlike the girls, who are quite organized. Natutuloy.”

Tumango ako. He’s gonna be that…

“Why? You’re not used to loud circles? Masasanay na rin sa kanila lalo na’t madalas mo na silang makakasama.”

And that’s what really happened. When the first day of school started, I drove him first to his university. Iyon ang magiging cycle namin. He got his car, but he said mine was more convenient. O gusto niya lang talagang pinagmamaneho ko siya.

He might not be so clingy, but I know his ways.

“I should have just enrolled in your university,” aniya nang nakatayo pa rin siya sa labas ng kotse ko at dinudungaw ako sa bukas na bintana.

“We’d see each other during our break times,” sabi ko.

Sumandal siya sa bukas na bintana hanggang magkalebel ang mukha namin.

“What are we gonna do later?” tanong niya.

I shrugged. “If there’s enough time, then let’s hit the cinema?”

“Date?” ramdam ko ang galak sa tinig niya habang marahang natawa.

I nodded. “Yes.”

Humalakhak siya. “What’s the occasion? Wala pang isang buwan…”

“Just wanna spend time with my boyfriend?”

Ngumuso siya, nagpigil ng ngiti, tumingin sa gilid at naglalaro ang labi ngunit nang tumingin ulit sa akin, natatawa na.

“You should go. Baka malate ka,” udyok ko lalo na’t kaya pang magpigil.

With his smirk, leaning closer to me, tilting his head and brushing his lips lightly, his eyes rosing up to look at me gently—I almost wanted to pull him in and make out with him. Damn good kisser.

I kissed back. He put his hand against the side of my neck, shoved his tongue in slightly, and sucked my lower lip a bit. Nagkasalubong ang kilay ko. He chuckled against my lips when he noticed I was so into it.

“Aga aga,” may kung sinong tinig sa likod ang pumaibabaw dito sa parking lot.

Noong tumayo siya at lumingon sa likod, nakita namin ang isa sa kaibigan niya, nakapamulsa at nakangiwing nakatingin sa amin.

“Morning, Rick!” si Maverick.

Rick nodded boyishly, then tilted his head and looked at me. I nodded at him for a greeting too.

Madali lang makasundo ang circles niya dahil hindi mga snob. Or they’re just too supportive of us that they would make sure we felt welcome and embraced.

Pagpasok ko sa cafe na malapit sa school nila sa Sabadong iyon dahil para puntahan si Maverick, may mga estudyante agad na lumingon. Probably because of the scene we made during his friend’s party, it escalated quickly. Medyo kilala pa naman silang mga varsities.

Deritso ang lakad ko patungo sa grupo nila. Evander then glanced at me while he was laughing at their topic, but his smile grew even wider to see me walking toward him.

Though I’m not used to the loud fun of his circle, they seem so welcoming that I’m slowly becoming familiar with it too.

“Uy! May sundo!” kutya ng mga girls nang lumabas ako sa kotse at nagpasyang lumapit muna sa kanila.

Mavric laughed proudly. “I’m special.”

Pinagbabatukan agad siya ng boys at tinapunan pa ng panyo noong Cervando na sinalo ko, sabay angat ng kilay sa kanya.

They all cheered like there was heated tension between me and their friend. Well, I could bang his face on the table, but he should be thankful I’m not that violent.

“Ano, Tyler? Papalag ka ba raw?” and the boys seem eager to fuel the fire.

Mavric laughed as he patted the chair next to him and gestured for me to sit. Ngiting ngiti si Shiloh sa akin at ang boyfriend niya sa gilid, tinitingnan siya sa magkasalubong na kilay.

“Anong papalag? Magkaibigan kami!” Fucking feeling.

“Diba dude?” He nodded at me with a playful smile.

Humalakhak si Mavric at itinapon sa kanya pabalik ang panyong hawak ko na nasalo nito.

“Parang hindi naman, Tyler!” natatawang kutya ng mga girls.

His friends are always loud and chaotic. Doon ko lang din napansin kung paano humagalpak si Shiloh at nawawala na ang mga mata kakatawa dahil sa mga biruan nila.

“Pinagdasal ko magb-break kayo! Pag bumula na ang bibig mo, umeepekto na ’yung kulam ko, Mav!” si Gabriella.

“Meron ka pa sigurong isa pang kapatid na lalaki?” isa sa mga girls ang nagtanong.

“Dalawa lang kami ni Chloe,” sabi ko, sumandal sa upuan at inilagay ang kamay sa isang hita ni Maverick.

Nangingiti niya akong nilingon. Patingin tingin ang mga kaibigan niya sa amin.

“Don’t be shy, girls. Agawin niyo kay Mavric.” He’s really that stupid.

Humalakhak sila sa biro noong Tyler which I only looked at coldly. He immediately raised his hands and laughed.

“I’m kidding, Rade.” At first name basis? He thinks we’re close?

“Ang snob kasi ni Chloe,” one of the girls said.

“Oo. Sobrang snob no’n. Parang may galit sa circles natin. Si Brent kasi,” agap ni Angela at sinamaan ito ng tingin na nangingiting bumubulong kay Shiloh at naantala lang.

“What? It should be Mavric’s fault—”

“Hindi, Brent. Sa’yo ’yon galit! Pinormahan mo kasi ang friend niya!” giit ng mga girls.

Shilani Tan. Close ni Chloe dahil nakakasama niya sa ballet class niya since high school.

Brent’s expression soured. Shiloh looked at Brent too with warning deadly glares.

“Si heavenly,” parinig ni Shiloh.

Brent rolled his eyes. “Drop it. That was months ago before—”

“Pero heavenly naman talaga ah?” Shiloh said.

“Anong heavenly?” natatawang tanong noong Connor.

“’Yung labi ng babae niya,” sabay angat ng kilay ni Shiloh.

Their circles immediately had a dramatic reaction.

Brent leaned against his seat while looking at him worriedly, hilaw na ang ngiti. “Please stop.”

“Totoo naman ah?” Shiloh looked at him with pure judgment.

“Heavenly pala, Brent?” they teased and laughed.

When their friends noticed Shiloh wasn’t conversing with Brent anymore, they looked at each other silently and pursed their lips.

“Kayo kasi…” mahinang bulong ng mga girls.

“Kasalanan talaga ni Chloe. Bakit kasi snob siya? Edi sana wala tayong ganitong topic?” biglang hirit noong Cervando kaya naghagalpakan sila ulit at pinaghahampas ng girls. Funny?

They looked at Brent again, who’s now giving his full attention to Shiloh, who’s not even paying attention to him or glancing. Hinawakan ni Brent sa siko pero tinabig ni Shiloh kaya mas nagtinginan ang girls at patay malisya ang boys. Sinamantala iyon ni Maverick at nagpaalam na sa kanila.

“Mauna na kami. May date pa…” mayabang niyang sabi habang tumatayo na kami.

“Date? Sinong iniinggit mo dito? Kami?” That walking noodles.

“Tara,” tapik ni Rick sa kanya at tumayo na.

“What? What are we all gonna do? Third wheel—”

“Daming satsat! Tumayo kana!” Mas hila ni Rick sa braso niya.

“Hindi ba kami kasama? Sama kami! Ano bang gagawin niyo? Sa gilid lang kami!” the girls, who were eager to leave the table because of the silent tension between Shiloh and Brent they created.

Nagsitayuan sila isa-isa, naghahanap ng tyempo na iwan si Brent at Shiloh sa lamesa. Maverick laughed and intertwined his fingers at mine unconsciously while talking to his circles while we walked to the parking lot.

I opened the door of my car for him. Sinenyasan niya pa ang boys na magtext nalang kaya nilingon ko sila na pinagtatanguan din ako, that Tyler who even waved at me. Iniwas ko ang tingin at hindi na iyon binigyan ng pansin habang natatawang tumingin si Mavric na kumaway pabalik sa kanya, but the prick showed his middle to Maverick instead.

“Fuck you, Mav! F.O!” he shouted, and I glanced at him as he immediately pulled a friendly expression and hid his hand while the boys laughed as they pulled him to the BMW car.

His friends are really chaotic. Kahit saan yata sila ilagay…

“First week of class pero mag-aaway na naman yata ’yung dalawa. Mahirap pa naman suyuin si Shiloh,” aniya at ibinaba ang salamin habang inaayos ang buhok.

“Reminds me of someone…” I taunted and started the engine.

He laughed and glanced at me. “Madali lang akong suyuin.”

I started driving while I reached for his hand so we could intertwine again. Sumandal siya sa upuan niya, nakatuko ang isang kamay sa bintana at nasa mga kamay namin ang tingin.

“Madali lang kung hindi titigilan,” sabi ko.

He laughed gently. “Well… I’d do the same if you’re upset at me…”

Lumingon ako sa kanya saglit. “You mean you’ll post thirst traps?”

Humagalpak siya. I licked my lips and smiled a little. I remember those thirst traps he would sometimes send to me privately. Pero noong nagseselos na pala kay Verena, halos mastress ako kung bakit nasa story niya na sa Facebook. I can’t imagine how frustrated I was at that time, thinking about how to tame him.

“Post? Why would I post it if I could show it to you personally? Ano tayo, fuck buddy? We’re not.”

Yabang ah? Akala mo hindi nanghamon ng isang taon.

“What I mean…I’m also willing to lower my pride, apologize, and address our problem once I upset you. This is not a one-sided relationship. I’m also…in love with you. So in order to work this out, I’ll also be a responsible boyfriend…” paliwanag niya.

He’s talking again. My Evander is getting good at communicating his emotions, and I always feel proud whenever he talks emotional things.

Nasa mga kamay lang namin ang tingin niya, medyo seryoso na rin.

“I’ll assure you…comfort you…kiss you…hold you…”

“And where is that leading?” I asked playfully.

He lifted his gaze and chuckled. “I’ll bend for you.”

The memories I had with him while I would silently watch him, who never paid me attention nor a glance, flashed continuously in my mind that were slowly replaced by his gentle eyes, just like right now, and how my emotions evolved from burning rage to warm, passionate love…

I smiled back submissively and lifted his hand as I kiss it gently. Finally…

Over The Horizon Book

Hello, Irys. Over the Horizon is finally to be published under LIB. This book means so much to me and holds a special place in my heart. Here are the details below… 

𝑆𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑤𝑏𝑒𝑟𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐶𝑖𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑆𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 2: 𝑂𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐻𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑧𝑜𝑛 𝑏𝑦 𝐼𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑠𝑠

𝐀𝐝𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐝: November 28, 2025 to February 25, 2026

𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞: April 2026

𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐃𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐬:

𝑩𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒆: 5 x 8.5

𝑷𝒂𝒑𝒆𝒓: Creambook

𝑷𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒔: 500+

𝑪𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓: Matte Laminated

With colored flyleaf

𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐈𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐬𝐬.

𝐶𝐼𝐺𝐴𝑅𝐸𝑇𝑇𝐸 𝑉𝐸𝑅𝑆𝐼𝑂𝑁

  ![](https://img.wattpad.com/2fa018401bfc9e52a0bcc9e60336f218d1a42ccd/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f337a315f44537342324d555734513d3d2d313539313633383835372e313837623764346235383130636238323339373731303238383139342e6a7067)               

𝑫𝒊𝒔𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝑷𝒓𝒊𝒄𝒆: P480

𝑺𝙍𝑷: P599.75 SRP

𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝟐𝟎% 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 𝐝𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐝

𝑆𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑤𝑏𝑒𝑟𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐶𝑖𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑆𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 2: 𝑂𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐻𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑧𝑜𝑛 𝐵𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑂𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑖𝑛𝑐𝑙𝑢𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠

𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬:

3 Photocards

1 Postcard

1 Bookmark

𝑆𝑇𝑅𝐴𝑊𝐵𝐸𝑅𝑅𝑌 𝑉𝐸𝑅𝑆𝐼𝑂𝑁

  ![](https://img.wattpad.com/6742ef0c1926ce825aec3d9ca3e40537e3511d78/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f684377572d2d476162477a6934773d3d2d313539313633383835372e313837623764346436393936306166383438313139323231323031352e6a7067)               

𝑫𝒊𝒔𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝑷𝒓𝒊𝒄𝒆: P1,120

𝑺𝙍𝑷: P1,399.75 SRP

𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝟐𝟎% 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 𝐝𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐝

𝑆𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑤𝑏𝑒𝑟𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐶𝑖𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑆𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 2: 𝑂𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐻𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑧𝑜𝑛 𝐵𝑜𝑜𝑘 +𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐮𝐦 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

Over the Horizon Official Totebag

Over the Horizon Official Chibi Keychain

Poster with Poster Tube

Strawberries and Cigarettes Magnetic Bookmark 

3 Photocards

1 Postcard

1 Bookmark

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𝐎𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬:

• The ordering link will be posted on the official LIB Facebook Page on November 28 (Friday) at 8 PM.

• There will be two links provided:

— 𝑪𝒊𝒈𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆 𝑽𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝑳𝒊𝒏𝒌

— 𝑺𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒘𝒃𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝑽𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝑳𝒊𝒏𝒌

𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝟏𝟎𝟎 𝐃𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

• This will be on a first-checkout basis.

• The first 100 dedications are limited to one copy per checkout only.

• You will be notified via your Shopee account if you made it to the first 100.

• COD is available, so payment first is not the basis—you have to check out fast. FAST. to secure a slot.

• 𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 100 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝐶𝑖𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒 𝑉𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛

• 𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 100 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑆𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑤𝑏𝑒𝑟𝑟𝑦 𝑉𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛

𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞 & 𝐃𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲

• Release date is April 2026.

• Delivery will start only in April 2026. Even if you pay early, the release remains in April 2026.

𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬

• This advance selling is

exclusive to Shopee only.

• It is not available under the Precious Pages Bookstore Shopee account.

• Ordering will be under our

Wittypedia Etc Shopee

account:

https://shopee.ph/wittypediaetc

• You will also see the “Pre-order by Precious Pages” icon, which confirms the legit account.

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You can fully check the Pre-order details of the book at the

LIB Official Page

on Facebook.

You can also join the official Facebook group, “Strawberries and Cigarettes by Ineryss,” for more updates.

𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞: This book contains Special Chapters.

Thank you so much for your continuous support for SAC Series. I love you, Irys!