Preview

Isang malakas na suntok ang nakuha ko mula sa kanya. Yes, it was painful. And the more that I see how things are going, napatunayan kong walang pag-asang masuklian niya ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. And to think na ako naman itong naghahabol sa kanya? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep loving a person that will never love me back, no matter what?

     “Danny.. Umalis ka na. I don’t wanna see your face again!” his anger is flustered on his face. Ganito ba ang galit na nararamdaman niya para sakin? Was I ever wrong to love him this much?         “Matagal ko nang alam na may gusto ka sakin but I just didn’t paid much attention to it.. And now that you just attacked me at kissed me like that? You are sick.. Dapat noon palang linayuan na talaga kita.” he said while trying to put on his sweat shirt drenched in his sweat and alcohol.

     Sinubukan kong bumangon mula sa sahig na binagsakan ko but he suddenly grabbed my sleeves and glared at me.

      “Huwag na huwag ka nang magpapakita sa akin. Because I will make sure that I will beat the hell out of you! Naiintindihan mo ba?” he furiously said bago niya ako bitawan at naiwan lang akong nakatulala sa sahig while he got out of that bar lobby. I was trying not to cry and smile but pain was suddenly squeezing my heart.

    Ganito pala talaga kapag pinamukha na sa’yo na kahit kailan ay hindi ka mamahalin ng taong pinangarap mo noon paman. My tears were slowly falling down my eyes. I can’t breath properly and all I just want to do is cry and let it all out.

    Bakit ganoon ka unfair ang mundo? Nagmahal lang naman ako but what I recieved was pain and disgust from the person I trully loved all my life.

     Mahirap ba akong mahalin? Mahirap ba para sa kanya na tanggapin ang pagmamahal ko?

     So many questions spinning on my head pero wala akong ibang magawa kundi impit na umiyak nalang sa madilim na sulok ng bar lobby.

    The music was eccentric. The noises people were making complimented everything. But all I can feel was my heart being torn apart.

      I tried to get up and head out. Pero malabo ang paningin ko. I cracked my glasses and my mouth is covered in blood. I can taste it. But I have to go home. Wala na akong dahilan para manatili pa dito.

     That person, the only person that has been my world for all of my life, just broke my heart and my faith in the word “love”.

      I walked down slowly on the stairs and I can hear people chattering. May mga sumisigaw pero hindi malinaw sakin ang mga sinasabi nila and just as I turn my head, it was too late for me to find out.

      My world just turned all black and I thought that was the end of my once beautiful life..

     

Soon…

Chapter 1

    I have always been a believer in love and the concept of falling in love with the right person. Ganun kasi ako pinalaki ni Mama. Although she came in a failed marriage, hindi niya ako binigyan ng lessons about being bitter and not give into the idea of liking someone. Someone that I know I can cherish for the rest of my life.

      Daniel James Mariano or Danny. That’s how people call me. The laid back and chill type of person. Not outstanding when it comes to the good-looking category of being a guy, but I was never the one who will not get any attention. In fact, marami nang nagpapahayag ng kanilang pagkagusto sakin. And even ask me out on a date pero I turn them down. I just think that I am that person na kapag nagmahal, it will last for a lifetime.

     And that person, I have found him already. Yeah, he is a guy. Siguro, noon paman I had always been attracted to men pero hindi yung tipong aabot ako sa pakikipagrelasyon sa kanila or even have sex with them . I just love the idea of musculinity. Siguro ganun na talaga ako since I was born. But it just flurished nang magbinata na ako.

     Speaking of that person, he is sitting by my side. Puffing another stick of his favorite cigarette habang nakaupo kami sa gutter ng rooftop ng University building namin. We have been friends for a very long time. Elementary days palang namin, we were inseparable. Siya yung gago at sira ulong kaibigan mo na lagi kang ipagtatanggol sa mga nambubully sa’yo. And I was the one who stops him from doing stupid things na ikakapahamak niya. Kaya naman naging tandem na kaming dalawa.

     River Yoon. The most handsome creature that I have ever seen on the face of the earth. Siguro kahit sino mang makikita si River for the very first time, hindi maiiwasang mamangha sa kanya. His long wavy hair and his strong facial features. Iyon bang bad boy type na napakainosente paring tingnan. Me myself, I can’t explain how can a person be so beautiful. And I guess dahil sa katangian niyang iyon, nahulog ako sa kanya. He was the dangerous type of person that you are willing to be with.

     “Lumilipad nanaman yang isip mo.. Look at the time, malapit na ang next subject mo.” nabalik ako sa kasalukuyan and I gazed at him at napangiti sa kanya.

    “Rev.. Ilang buwan nalang, gragraduate na tayo. I still can’t believe na hanggang ngayon, magkasama parin tayo.” sabi ko sa kanya and he just smirked at me while twitching the ashes from his cigarette.

     “Ayan ka nanaman sa pagdradrama mo.. Bakit? Ayaw mo bang grumaduate tayo?” nakataas ang kilay niya pero tumawa lang ako ng mahina.

     “I just thought na matagal na kitang kilala and we have been friends since our elementary years yet, marami parin akong hindi nasasabi sa’yo.”

      Tumingin siya sa maulap na langit and blow the smoke up into the air and smiled. Napangiti naman ako ng mamasdan ko ang angle niyang iyon. I tried to take a picture of him on my phone and I sighed on how good he looks at that angle.

      “Pag nakagraduate ako, magmimigrate na kami sa California. And I might not see you again for a long time. Somehow, nalulungkot ako.”

     Napatigil ako sa pagngiti ko. What? Magmimigrate sila sa California?

     “Why did your parents decided to migrate there? Diba nandito naman ang negosyo ninyo?”

      He just sighed and looked at him intently. Hindi ko inaasahan ang marinig ko sa kanya ang bagay na iyon.

    “I really don’t know.. And its a good thing. I want to live in a new environment. A new place to start with. Masiyado nang toxic manirahan sa Pilipinas.” he said at naiwan lang akong tulala while watching every movement that he makes.

     “So kaya mong iwan lahat ng mga nakasanayan mo? What about the people that you used to be with? Paano ako?” hindi ko mapigilang tanungin siya at napatigil siya sa kanyang narinig mula sakin.

     “Dude? Why are you acting this way? You are acting so wierd lately.”

     Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya and I sighed heavily. Ang hirap maging kalmado sa ganitong pagkakataon. I feel scared. Natatakot ako sa idea na aalis siya ng bansa and the chances of me not seeing him in a long time is breaking me deep inside.

    I learned to love him secretly for a very long time.

    “Sorry.. I just thought about the life you are leaving behind. Pasensiya ka na.” napatungo nalang ako and just let myself hold on to the idea that I have to tell him everything sooner.

     “I have to go now.. Magkikita pa kami ni Tara. Kita nalang tayo bukas.” sambit niya bago niya itapon ang upos na sigarilyong hawak niya and jumped off the gutter at naglakad na patungo sa stairs ng rooftop. Naiwan akong nakatingin sa langit.

     “I don’t know why I feel so afraid to lose you, River. Natatakot ako na mawala ka sakin.” I said to myself at naisip ko naring pumasok sa aking susunod na klase.

     ––––––––––––––

       Naglalakad ako sa parking lot at nakita ko si Tara na naglalakad din patungo sa isang bahagi ng parking lot. She is beautiful. She is sexy. And she is the Campus Queen. Ganun siya kaganda that no wonder, River is head over heels for her.

      I saw her walk into a familiar car at binuksan niya ang pinto ng passenger seat nito. It was River’s car at napatungo nalang ako. Somehow, I get so jealous inside. Sana ako nalang ang nakakasakay sa kotse palagi ni River. Sana ako nalang ang nasa posisyon ni Tara ngayon. It would have been so nice.

     Pero hanggang sana nalang lahat ng iyon. I know this feelings I have for River is just bullshit at walang patutunguhan. But no matter what I do, siya lang talaga ang pinipili ng puso ko.

     “Danny! Bilisan mo na! Malapit nang magsimula ang klase.” sigaw ng isang babaeng kaklase ko and I rushed towards her at nagkasabay kaming maglakad patungo sa Engineering Building.

      And even at my class, I keep on thinking about what River said. Magmamigrate sila sa California after graduation and I still have all this unspoken feelings towards him.

      “Mr. Mariano! Stop spacing out.. We are having an important lecture here!” tawag sakin ng aking professor at humingi ako ng paumanhin sa kanya. Even my classmates were questioning my act right now.

     Natapos ang klase ko ng araw na iyon and all I wanna do is to head back to my dorm. Marami pa akong kailangang gawin but I can’t seem to concentrate on them. Ang utak ko ay nakapako sa sinabi ni River.

      I opened the door of my dorm room at wala pa ang roommate ko. May klase pa siguro kaya naman naisip kong matulog nalang muna not changing my clothes. Gusto kong ipahinga ang isip ko na napapagod narin mag-isip ng mga bagay tungkol sa taong mahal ko pero di ko masabisabi sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko.

     Nagising ako sa liwanag ng aking kwarto and the smell of beef broth na sigurado akong bagong luto palang. Napamulat ako ng mata and saw Jared eating in the small table inside our room.

     Naramdaman niya siguro ang aking paggising kaya napatingin siya sakin and he smiled at me.

     “Kain tayo.. May naghatid satin ng pagkain. Galing sa kabilang room. Share na tayo.” masaya niyang saad sakin at tumango lang ako sa kanya.

     He was half naked while eating at nakaboxer shorts lang din. Jared is a Physical Education Major at halata naman sa katawan niya na he is into sports. Malalaki ang muscles niya na malayong malayo sa akin na payat na nga, nerd looking pa. Dahil narin sa suot kong salamin.

     “Kaya ka hindi tumatabo kasi hindi ka kumakain sa tamang oras..” saad pa ni Jared habang kumukuha siya ng plato at utensils sa maliit na washing area ng aming kwarton. Agad naman akong lumapit sa mesa at naupo sa bakanteng upuan.

     “Salamat.. Hindi ko na namalayan ang oras. Marami pa akong gagawin.”  tangi kong nasabi kay Jared at tumango tango lang siya sakin.

    “Iniisip mo nanaman si River?” bigla niyang sambit na nagpatigil sakin. Tiningnan ko siya at blanko lang ang mukha niya.

    “Danny.. Hanggang kailan mo itatago sa kanya ang nararamdaman mo?” dugtong pa niya pero di ako nagsalita. Nagsimula nalang akong kumain but deep inside me, nagugulo nanaman ang isip ko dahil sa sinabi ni Jared.

     “Its none of your business, Jared.” saad ko sa kanya at nagtaas lang siya ng kanyang dalawang kamay.

    “And yet you keep on calling his name in the middle of the night? Telling him how much you love him?”

     Napatingin nalang ako sa kanya and he smirked at me.

    “Habang pinapatagal mo ang unspoke feelings na iyan.. Mas lalo lang magiging mahirap sayo na sabihin sa kanya ang lahat.” paliwanag pa niya at napatingin lang ako sa kanya.

    “Kaya ngayon palang, habang may pagkakataon ka pa. Sabihin mo na sa kanya ang lahat. So you will know once and for all.” dagdag pa niya at tahimik lang akong nakikinig sa kanya.

     “Pero dapat nakahanda ka sa lahat ng pwedeng mangyari. Hindi lahat ng sasabihin mo, maiintindihan niya.”

      I sighed deeply at napatingin nalang kay Jared. He is the only person that I confided about my feelings for River. Nang mahuli niya ako isang gabi na nananaginip at tinatawag ko ang pangalan ni River and telling him how much I love him.

    Since then, sa kanya ko na sinasabi ang lahat tungkol kay River. And he is a very understanding person. We are close friends. And as a straight guy, mas malawak pa ang pagintindi niya kesa sa pagkakaintindi ko sa sarili ko.

    “Its not that easy to tell him how I feel. Ganun siguro kadali for someone like you to be expressive. Pero hindi tama sa paningin niya ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. And I can’t lose him by telling him that I love him”

     Umiling si Jared sa aking nasabi and he pulled out his phone and showed me the Instagram story of Tara. She is very popular that even Jared follows her.

     “Then you will just let this happen all the time? Hindi ka ba nasasaktan?” he asked habang tinitingnan ko ang picture na nasa story ni Tara.

      She was kissing River and somehow, I can’t breath properly. Hindi naman ito ang unang beses kong nakita si River na humalik sa isang babae..

     But it is so hard to see him doing it with other people. Knowing how much I wanted him so bad.

     And it always takes me back to the time when I first saw him.

     “Mula ngayon, magkaibigan na tayo. At hindi ko hahayaan na mabully ka nila ulit.”

      “Danny.. Hindi tayo magkakahiwalay. Diba sabi ko sa’yo.. Ipagtatanggol kita sa mga taong mananakit sa’yo?”

      “We will stick with each other.. No matter what happens. Dahil pinangako ko sa’yo na magiging magkaibigan tayo for the rest of our lives.”

      Ang mga ngiti niya habang sinasabi niya ang mga bagay na iyon while we were growing up and being good friends, suddenly made me tear up..

      I wish, it was just easy to tell him I love him and he will accept it and we will be happy in the end.

     Pero hindi pala ito isang panaginip.. This is the reality that I need to deal with.

      “If only I can learn to unlove you, River..”

     

To be continued…

Chapter 2

  The months were passing by so fast. And as time goes by, mas lalo namang naging mahirap para sakin na makasama si River. Parang unti-unti nang nagbabago ang lahat sa pagitan naming dalawa.

       He always turn down my invitations na kumain kami sa labas minsan. Kahit maghang out manlang kami saglit like we used to do, nawala na lahat ng iyon. And I always wanted to know why? Dahil ba sa sinasanay na niya ang sarili niya na wala ako parati?

     Mas binibigyan niya lang siguro ng priority si Tara or ang iba pa niyang kaibigan. Or maybe he knows something kaya iniiwasan na niya ako?

     Either of those reason might fit in. Pero habang lumalayo ang loob niya sakin ay mas lalo kong nararamdaman na wala talaga akong pag-asang masabi sa kanya ang totoong nararamdaman ko. But I tried to keep it to myself. Siguro nga, lahat ng tao nagbabago. And maybe River is one of those people that is changing now.

    Natapos ko nang iprocess lahat ng documents ko for graduation. Cleared narin ako sa lahat ng requirements ko. Now all I need to wait for another month at matatapos narin ang college journey ko.

    Somehow I was happy. Masaya ako dahil matatapos narin ang napakaraming taong pagsasakripisyo ni Mama para mapag-aral ako sa isang magandang eskwelahan. And I am graduating with honors. Siguro iyon nalang ang maipagmamalaki ko sa kanya sa lahat ng efforts niya para sakin.

     “Nandito ka lang pala.. Kanina pa kita hinahanap.” basag ng isang malalim na boses mula sa aking likuran.

    Napalingon ako sa kanya and he was wearing some an oversized shirt and tattered jeans. Nakashades pa siya at tila ba napaaway siya dahil may pasa siya sa gilid ng kanyang bibig.

     “Anong nangyari sa’yo? Nakipagaway ka nanaman ba?” I worriedly said habang papalapit siya sakin at tumabi sa pag-upo ko sa bench ng soccer field.

    “You know that I don’t start anything kung hindi ako inuunahan. That fucker deserves some beating.” galit niyang saad sakin sabay hugot ng pakete ng sigarilyong nasa loob ng bulsa niya. Kinuha rin niya ang kanyang lighter na regalo ko sa kanya noong nakaraang birthday niya. It was a dragon design lighter na pinagipunan ko pa para lang maibigay sa kanya.

    Masaya ako dahil hanggang ngayon nasa kanya parin iyon.

    “Hindi mo na sana pinatulan. Nasisira yang gwapo mong mukha dahil hanggang ngayon ang hilig mo paring makipagbasag ulo.” giit ko pa pero inismiran lang niya ako.

     “You always tell me to act like a grown up.. And grown ups fight for what is right. Hahayaan ko nalang ang gagong iyon na bastusin ang girlfriend ko?”

     After hearing it, I feel so down. Dati, nakikipagaway siya dahil sa may nambubully sa akin o pinapahiya ako sa harap ng maraming tao. But now, he is doing it for another person. Well, tumigil na siyang ipagtanggol ako noong alam na niyang kaya ko na ang sarili ko.

     “River.. May gusto lang akong malaman. Do you still think of me as your friend?”

     Napatigil siya sa paghithit ng sigarilyo niya at napatingin sa akin. Although he has glasses on, alam kong naguguluhan siya sa tinatanong ko.

     “Ano bang klaseng tanong ’yan, Danny? Syempre kaibigan parin ang turing ko sa’yo? Bakit? Do I need to know something?”

     Umiling lang ako sa kanya at iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang ibunyag sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. This is not yet the right time.

     “Ang wierd mo these past few months. Dati hindi ka naman ganyan ka uneasy kapag magkasama tayo. Pakiramdam ko tuloy may tinatago ka sakin.”

     “Wala akong tinatago sa’yo.. Pakiramdam ko lang kasi hindi na tayo kagaya noon. Marami na ang nagbago.”

     Tumigil siya saglit sa kanyang paninigarilyo at itinapon ang malapit nang maupos na hawak niya.

     “Look.. Sorry if hindi na tayo masiyadong nagkakasama. Marami din akong tinatapos kasi gragraduate narin ako. And you know, I have life outside our friendship. May girlfriend ako. I thought maiintindihan mo ako.”

     “Naiintindihan naman kita.. I just feel like something has changed between us. Parang iniiwasan mo ako.”

     Hindi siya nakapagsalita agad and he has this wierd look in his face. Napapalunok din siya at agad siyang tumayo at humarap sakin.

      “I have to go now.. Nagpunta lang ako dito para ibigay sa’yo ’to.. Its an invitation for Tara’s birthday party. Pinaaabot niya sa’yo. And I want you to be there.”

     Inabot niya sakin ang isang black envelope na scented at may naka inscribe na initials. It was simple yet beautiful. Tinanggap ko naman iyon at mabilis na umalis si River sa harapan ko.

     He really is acting so differently. Siguro ay nalaman na niya ang katotohanan tungkol sa akin. Or maybe its just me who is being paranoid.

     Ayokong malaman niya sa iba ang tungkol sa akin so I have to do it as soon as possible.

     Aaminin ko na sa kanya ang tunay kong nararamdaman. And I don’t really know what will happen after that. Pero, hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman. I am just afraid of being hated by my own bestfriend.

     —————————––

      Nakarating ako sa bar na pagdadausan ng party ni Tara. Napakaraming tao na ang naroon nang makarating ako. Nagsuot lang ako ng casual na damit. A printed polo shirt at fitted black jeans and a pair of white sneakers. The usual look I do when I go to events like this. Agad ko namang tinext si River na nandito na ako sa party.           Hindi ko alam kung paano makikipagsabayan sa mga taong naroon because I was never a party goer. Mas gusto kong manatili sa dorm ko and read books or watch videos on my laptop. Rather than going out everynight and drink with random people.

     Hinanap ng mata ko sa paligid kung meron manlang ba akong kilala mula sa department ko considering that everyone here is from the University. Pero wala akong mahagilap na kahit sinong kilala ko. Clearly, mayayaman lamang ang narito at pawang kaibigan talaga ni Tara.

     “Danny! Dito!” tawag ng isang pamilyar na boses and I immediately turned around para makita kung nasaan ang boses na iyon.

     Hindi ko mapigilang hindi hangaan si River. He always look good whenever he tries to. Nagiging mas gwapo pa siya sa paningin ko at sa marami pa kapag sinusubukan niyang mag-ayos. He has always been so attractive.

     Kumaway ako sa kanya at mabilis na naglakad patungo sa kanyang kinaroroonan. Somehow I feel out of place. Si River lang ang kilala ko maliban kay Tara.

     “Tara is waiting for us upstairs. Let’s go.” masayang aya niya sakin na tinanguan ko lang naman.

     Naabutan ko ang isang circular couch sa taas at nasa gitna nito si Tara wearing a sexy red dress and she is wearing a crown na para bang isa siyang prinsesa. Napapatungo nalang ako dahil ang baba ng tingin ko sa sarili ko ng mga oras na yun.

     Everyone in that room were good looking. At para akong outsider na napilitan lang silang papasukin. But I just had to deal with it. Deal with the fact na bestfriend ko ang boyfriend ng pinakasikat at pinakamagandang babae sa buong University.

      “Danny! I’m glad that you can make it.. Come sit! Enjoy the party.” masayang bati sa akin ni Tara at ngumiti lang ako sa kanya.

     “Happy Birthday, Tara.. Sorry wala akong dalang regalo.” I honestly said at umiling lang siya.

     “No.. Its okay. Ang importante you are here. So enjoy the party.. Huwag kang mahihiya.” she politely replied at kahit papano ay hindi ko mapigilang mas lalong manlumo.

     How could I even win? Kung ganito kaganda ang ugali ni Tara. I’m sure that River will fall in love for her even more. Tarantado minsan si River pero malambot ang puso niyan kung nakakatagpo ng isang taong mapapaamo siya. And I guess, Tara is that person.

    “Ang cute talaga nitong si Danny.. Hindi mo naman sinabi samin, River. Your bestfriend is the cutest thing on earth.” biglang nagsalita ang isang babae na katabi ko sa couch. Nakangiti siya sakin at may kung anong kilabot akong naramdaman ng kumindat siya sakin.

   “Do you have a girlfriend, Danny?” tanong naman ng isang babae na nakatitig rin sa akin na napapaubo nalang ako sa kanilang mga sinasabi. Agad naman akong dumampot ng isang baso at hindi ko manlang napansin na beer pala ang laman nun.

    Pinilit kong lagukin iyon dahil sa kabang nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na iyon.

    “Slow down, dude..” saway sakin ng lalaking katabi ko sa couch. Napangiti nalang ako kanilang lahat at tiningnan ko si River na seryosong nakatingin sakin.

     “Mapili lang talaga yan sa babae.. He never dated anyone before.” straightforward na sambit ni River na kinagulat ng mga kasama namin sa couch na iyon.

    “Mas priority ko lang ang mag-aral.” tipid ko namang sagot sabay ngiti sa kanila habang nakatingin parin ako kay River. He grabbed a glass of unknown drink at linagok niya ito. Hindi ako palainom at ramdam ko na kahit maliit lang ang nainom kong beer ay sapat na iyon para makaramdam ako ng pagkahilo.

     “You should go out with me then?”

     “Denise! Come on.. Don’t be so pushy.”

     Nagkatawanan pa silang lahat at nakitawa nalang din ako dahil naasiwa na ako sa mga nangyayari. Parang gusto ko nalang umalis sa lugar na iyon but River is pulling my gravity down. Ang mga tingin niya sakin ay kakaiba na hindi ko maunawaan.

     “Ahm.. Siguro kailangan ko nang umalis. May kailangan pa kasi akong tapusin for my final project.” dahilan ko pa na kinataas ng kilay ni Tara.

    “You just got here, Danny.. And come on, gragraduate na tayo in a month, you need to chill for a moment.”         “Sorry, Tara.. Pero importante talaga ang final project ko na ’yun. I just came here to really greet you a happy birthday.” giit ko pa and my eyes were divided between Tara and River.

     “Okay then.. If that’s really important. Thank you for coming. I appreciate it.”

      Napangiti naman ako at nagpaalam na sa kanilang lahat. Hindi ko na kayang manatili sa iisang lugar kasama ni River. Para akong tinutulak ng puso ko na sabihin ko na talaga ang totoong nararamdaman ko.

    Agad ko namang tinungo ang washroom ng bar at agad na hinanap ang sink. I really need to wash off my face. Hindi ko na alam kung anong nangyayari sakin. I feel like I can’t contain myself anymore.

     Hindi ko namalayan na nasa tabi ko na pala si River. He was looking at me in the mirror. Napatingin naman ako sa kanya and he was staring blankly at me.

     “Ri-River.. Anong ginagawa mo dito?” tanong ko sa kanya but he kept on looking at me.

     “Kailangan ko nang umuwi.. And you should go back to them. Baka hinahanap ka na nila.” sabi ko pa while my heart was beating like hell.

      “What the hell is wrong with you, Danny? Ano ba talaga ang nangyayari sa’yo? Kanina mo pa iniiwasan ang mga tingin ko sa’yo.. Are you hiding something from me?” sunod sunod na tanong niya sakin.

      “Wa-Wala akong tinatago sa’yo, River.. Naaasiwa lang talaga ako sa mga kasama natin kanina.”

      “Do you think its just that time na napapansin kong di ka mapakali.. Matagal ko nang napapansin na iniiwasan mo ako, na para bang may nagawa kang kasalanan sakin. Sabihin mo sakin ang totoo.”

      Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang nagudyok sakin para mawalan ng kontrol sa sarili ko. Kunti lang naman ang nainom ko pero it was enough for my confidence to burst out of my heart.

      Mabilis ko siyang hinila and I never thought that I would ever do that thing to my bestfriend.

      I kissed him on his lips and I was shaking like crazy.

     

To be continued…

Chapter 3

Natulala kaming pareho ni River sa aking ginawa. Ang kanyang mga titig sakin ay para bang nagunaw ang kanyang mundo. He was trying to comprehend everything pero all I can see was anger. Mabilis niya akong itinulak at linisan niya ang washroom.

    Hindi ako nagatubiling sundan siya at mabilis kong nahigit ang kamay niya. Napatigil naman siya sa kanyang paghakbang at humarap sakin.

      “Ri-River.. Sorry. Hindi ko— Hindi ko sinasadyang gawin iyon. I got carried away by my emotions.”

     Ang kanyang galit ay mas lalo pang nadagdagan at maging ako ay natatakot na sa susunod niyang gagawin. He was enraged. And it was all my fault. Kasalanan ko kung bakit ganun nalang ang kanyang galit na nararamdaman ngayon.

    But maybe I just can’t take it anymore. Hindi ko na kayang itago sa kanya ang matagal na panahong pagtitiis ko na iparamdam sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. I loved him for a very long time.

   Isang malakas na suntok ang nakuha ko mula sa kanya. Yes, it was painful. And the more that I see how things are going, napatunayan kong walang pag-asang masuklian niya ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. And to think na ako naman itong naghahabol sa kanya? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep loving a person that will never love me back, no matter what?

     “Danny.. Umalis ka na. I don’t wanna see your face again!” his anger is flustered on his face. Ganito ba ang galit na nararamdaman niya para sakin? Was I ever wrong to love him this much?         “Matagal ko nang alam na may gusto ka sakin but I just didn’t paid much attention to it.. And now that you just attacked me at kissed me like that? You are sick.. Dapat noon palang linayuan na talaga kita.” he said while trying to put on his sweat shirt drenched in his sweat and alcohol.

     Sinubukan kong bumangon mula sa sahig na binagsakan ko but he suddenly grabbed my sleeves and glared at me.

      “Huwag na huwag ka nang magpapakita sa akin. Because I will make sure that I will beat the hell out of you! Naiintindihan mo ba?” he furiously said bago niya ako bitawan at naiwan lang akong nakatulala sa sahig while he got out of that bar lobby. I was trying not to cry and smile but pain was suddenly squeezing my heart.

    Ganito pala talaga kapag pinamukha na sa’yo na kahit kailan ay hindi ka mamahalin ng taong pinangarap mo noon paman. My tears were slowly falling down my eyes. I can’t breath properly and all I just want to do is cry and let it all out.

    Bakit ganoon ka unfair ang mundo? Nagmahal lang naman ako but what I recieved was pain and disgust from the person I trully loved all my life.

     Mahirap ba akong mahalin? Mahirap ba para sa kanya na tanggapin ang pagmamahal ko?

     So many questions spinning on my head pero wala akong ibang magawa kundi impit na umiyak nalang sa madilim na sulok ng bar lobby.

    The music was eccentric. The noises people were making complimented everything. But all I can feel was my heart being torn apart.

      I tried to get up and head out. Pero malabo ang paningin ko. I cracked my glasses and my mouth is covered in blood. I can taste it. But I have to go home. Wala na akong dahilan para manatili pa dito.

     That person, the only person that has been my world for all of my life, just broke my heart and my faith in the word “love”.

      I walked down slowly on the stairs and I can hear people chattering. May mga sumisigaw pero hindi malinaw sakin ang mga sinasabi nila and just as I turn my head, it was too late for me to find out.

      My world just turned all black and I thought that was the end of my once beautiful life..

   ——————————

     Nagising ako sa isang tahimik na paligid. I opened my eyes and it was a white ceiling that my eyes met. Pansin ko naman ang isang mahabang tubo na nakakabit sa braso ko at I realized I was in the hospital.

     And as my head was getting clearer. I realize my left arm is casted. At masakit ang buong katawan ko.

    “Anak! Gising ka na ba?” isang matinis at pamilyar na boses ang aking narinig. It was Mama at nag-aalala siyang lumapit sakin.

    “Ma.. Anong nangyari sakin? Why am I here?”

    Napaluha naman si Mama at hindi niya makayang magsalita at sagutin ang tanong ko.

    “Anak.. You were hit by a car. You fractured your left arm. Tinawagan ako ni Jared because he was at the bar ng mangyari ang aksidente.”

    At naalala ko na lahat ng nangyari. River. Ang paghalik ko sa kanya. Ang pagsuntok niya sa akin. The disgusted face he made towards me. Ang pagwawakas ng aming pagkakaibigan.

    My tears started to fall at hindi ko napigilang yakapin si Mama. I really don’t know kung ano ang mas masakit  para sakin. Ang sinapit ng katawan ko o ang sinapit ng puso ko?

     It feels like I wanna run away from the pain pero hindi ko magawa. Tila nakulong ako sa isang napakasamang panaginip.

     “What really happened, Danny? Ano ba talagang nangyari sa iyo? They said you were out of your mind nang tumawid ka sa kalsada.”

     Umiling lang ako kay Mama and continued crying on her shoulders at alam kong nasasaktan siya dahil sa nangyayari sakin.

     “Si River ba? Is it him? Siya ba ang may gawa nito?”

      Hindi ako makapagsalita. Para akong bumabalik lagi sa mga oras na iyon. The way he looked at me. Iyong parang sinumpa na niya buong pagkatao ko.

     “Sinabi ko na sa’yo noon pa to stop that nonsense. Pero hindi mo parin ginawa.”

      Nagpatuloy lang ako sa pag-iyak. Parang iyon nalang ang tangi kong alam gawin sa mga sandaling iyon.

    “Tahan na anak.. Everything will be alright. You are a strong person. Malalampasan din natin lahat ng ito.”

     The room was filled with my cries and my tears were flowing like a stream on my mother’s shoulder. Hindi ko akalain na ganito pala kasakit ang lahat.

    ——————————

    “Gago talaga ang River na’yun.. Hindi manlang niya kinonsider na matagal na kayong magkaibigan to ever hurt you that way. Ano? Ganun lang kadali sa kanya na itapon ang pinagsamahan ninyo?” galit na singhal ni Jared sa akin. He visited me on my hospital room at mas galit pa siya kesa sakin.

    “Ako naman kasi ang may kasalanan. I should have kept that to myself. Sana kinontrol ko ang sarili ko. Kung hindi lang sana ako naging padalos dalos sa aking mga actions, hindi nangyari ang bagay na iyon.”

    “Danny! Mahal mo yung tao.. Natural lang na maramdaman mo ang urge na halikan siya. Because that is always our instinct. Pero grabe naman siya, he will beat the hell out of you dahil lang sa nahalikan mo siya at nalaman niyang may nararamdaman ka sa kanya?”

     Umiwas nalang ako ng tingin sa kanya at tinuon ko ito sa nakabukas na bintana ng aking kwarto sa hospital. Ang sikat ng araw na pumapasok roon. I want to feel okay. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, things keep on replaying on my head.

    “Tapos hindi ka manlang mabisita dito sa hospital to give you an apology? Ano bang klaseng tao siya? I don’t even know why you fallen for a stupid jerk like him.”

     “Iyon siguro ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya. Because he is a stupid jerk and I wanna stick around him because I know he always listens to me.”

      Umiling lang si Jared at kumuha ng orange sa mesa at binalatan ito. He was there for me at this moment. And I wished that it was River who was doing all this stuff for me.

     “Ibang klase ka rin magmahal. Kung sino pa ang tarantado, iyon pa ang gusto mo. Ewan ko nalang.” at sinubuan niya ako ng isang piraso ng orange and I gladly chewed it.

    Minsan talaga hindi maintindihan ng tao ang kanyang nararamdaman. And to be honest, I still love River inspite of all the things he has said and done to me.

    “I know he will realize one day.. That he feels the same way as I do.” saad ko kay Jared na umismid lang sakin.

    “At paano kung hindi? Paano kung patuloy ka niyang gaguhin at ipamukha sayong wala siyang pakialam sa’yo.”

     I sighed heavily at tumingin ako sa kanya ng seryoso.

     “I will make him love me, Jared.” ngiti ko sa kanya at napailing nalang siya sa aking mga sinabi.

     —————————––

       Balita sa buong campus ang nangyari sa akin. Dahil malapit lang sa University ang bar na pinagdausan ng party ni Tara ay kumalat din agad ang nangyaring aksidente sa akin.

     My casted left arm will even make it clearer for everyone. Lahat ng makakasalubong ko ay bumubulong at parang hindi ang nangyaring pagkaaksidente ko ang pinag-uusapan.

     At hindi paman ako nakakarating sa aking building na pupuntahan, may humarang na sa aking daraanan.

     It was the friends of Tara that was talking about me during her party. I remember that one of them was called Denise at siya ang nakataas ng kilay sa akin at para bang may alam siyang hindi ko alam.

     “Kaya pala hindi ka nagdadate ng babae.. Dahil lalaki pala ang gusto mong makadate. And to think that it was Tara’s boyfriend that you have been fantasizing, makes it harder to imagine.”

     And I realized, kumalat narin sa buong University ang tungkol sa nararamdaman ko kay River. And it made me feel like the sky has fallen down on my shoulders.

    “Hindi ka ba nahihiya? You are fantasizing your bestfriend to be your lover? That’s disgusting.” dagdag pa niya bago siya naglakad palayo kasama ang iba pa niyang kaibigan.

    Naglakad ako ng mabilis patungo sa Business Department. Hinanap ko ang posibleng kinaroroonan ni River but every room I went through ay walang River akong nakita.

    Lahat ng nakakasalubong ko ay iba’t iba ang reaction. At doon ko lang naisipang buksan ang aking phone at tingnan sa aking Instagram kung ano ba ang nangyayari.

    And it was Tara posting my picture cropped in a sailormoon dress. And her caption just broke down my heart. “Stay away from the fag bitch”.

    I tried to stop from crying pero the more I stop it the more I wanted to let it out at mabilis kong tinungo ang rooftop na lagi naming tinatambayan ni River. I can’t deal with all this pain anymore. Para akong sasabog sa kahihiyan at sakit na sabay kong nararamdaman.

    And when I reached the rooftop, naabutan ko si River puffing a cigarette on his mouth. Napalingon siya sakin and he immediately rushed towards me and he looked at me like he wants to kill me at that moment.

    “Hindi ka talaga titigil noh? Wala ka na ba talagang hiya? Lahat ng tao alam na ang pagkatao mo and yet may gana ka pa talagang magpakita sakin? Gusto mo na ba talagang mamatay?”

    “Iyon ba talaga ang gusto mong gawin sakin? Patayin ako dahil lang sa nalaman mong may gusto ako sayo? Bakit? Mali ba na minahal kita, River? Mali ba na gustuhin kitang makasama habang buhay?”

     Hindi siya agad nakapagsalita at mataman lang siyang tumitig sakin.

    “Ikaw ang nagsabi sakin to be brave enough and tell you what I trully feel. At ngayon na nasabi ko na sa’yo ang totoong nararamdaman ko, you are driving me away? Nandidiri ka na sakin? Do you even know how hard it is for me to keep on believing that one day, mamahalin mo rin ako?”

    Hindi ko na napigilang maluha. All my emotions were running down my body. Nanghihina ako but I have to let it all out.

    “Hinding hindi mangyayari ang gusto mo.. You know why? Because you are disgusting. You are a disgusting faggot. At lahat ng pinagsamahan natin, you can forget them dahil mula sa araw na ito, I consider you as a dead person. Or maybe I wish I have never met you at all.”

    He pushed me away at napasalampak ako sa sahig and I almost fainted with all the pain that was rushing towards my body.

     Ganito ba talaga kalupit sakin ang tadhana?

Chapter 4

    Dapat masaya ako sa araw na iyon. It was the day I have been waiting for.. Finally, I will be graduating from this University. Ang pakiramdam na nakasuot ako ng toga at tinatawag ang pangalan ko bilang cum laude ng Civil Engineering made me want to feel proud of myself. Pero hindi ko magawa. Para akong zombie na naglalakad patungo sa stage at inabot ang aking diploma na nakasilid sa isang case na may seal ng University.

     I faked a smile to everyone trying to greet me and congratulate me at napatakbo naman si Mama sa stage upang isabit sakin ang aking medalya. She was happy but I know its heavy for her to see me in this state.

    She tried to smile on the camera na nakatutok samin and when everything was done. We walked down the stage and get back to our seats at hinintay na matapos ang graduation ceremony.

     Everyone was crying and laughing and hugging each other. But it was not the same for me. Matapos ang graduation ceremony ay agad kong pinuntahan si Mama sa kanyang kinauupuan but even before I got there ay nakasalubong ko na si River. Nagkatinginan kami pero mabilis niyang binawi iyon at mabilis na naglakad papalayo sakin. I want to grab his arm and tell him how sorry I am for everything.

    Pero hindi ko magawa. Dahil kahit ano namang paghingi ng tawad ang gawin ko, hindi na maaalis noon ang katotohanan na nasira ko ang pangalan niya sa buonh University. Tara even broke up with him just because if the fact that he was my bestfriend. Hindi na siya pinagkatiwalaan nito. Everyone in the University thinks that he was gay like me.

    “Congratulations Mr. Cum Laude!” bati sakin ng isang boses at napabaling ako rito. Nakangiti siya sakin at agad niya akong tinapik sa aking balikat.

    “Salamat, Jared. Congratulations din. Sa wakas, natapos narin ang ilang taon nating paghihirap.” saad ko sa kanya.

   “Alam kong hindi naging maganda ang pagtatapos ng iyong college journey.. Pero sana naman, you will learn to move on at tanggapin mo ang katotohanan. That you loved a cold hearted person. At hindi niya deserve ang pagmamahal mo.”

    Tumango lang ako sa kanya. He has always been the kind person that will be there for me sa mga panahong kailangan ko ng may magpapaalala sakin ng kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.

    “Thank you for being a good friend, Jared.. Sana hindi ka magbago, kahit magkalayo na tayo.”

     “Ako magbabago? Baka ikaw pa nga itong magbago.” nakangiti niyang tugon sakin and somehow it made me smile.

     “Paano yan.. Aalis na kami ng parents ko. We will have a small celebration pa kasi. At naghihintay narin siguro si Tita sa’yo sa benches. Puntahan mo na.”

    Nagpaalam sakin si Jared at ganun narin ang ginawa ko. I think I just have to move forward from now on. From all the pain that I have endured nang mabunyag sa bestfriend ko ang totoo kong nararamdaman. But I would be fooling myself.. If I will tell my heart to stop loving him, when all my heart wants is to love him till the end.

    

4 years later…

   

“Engr. Mariano! I’m glad you made it.. Have a seat!” masayang salubong sakin ng bago naming client.

     I brushed my hair up and I tried to flash my smile towards the old man. And I can’t help but notice how people in the restaurant was looking at my direction. Pero nasanay na ako sa mga tingin. Maybe its just how I dress myself up and how I changed myself from being a nerdy guy to someone I always wanted to be.

     “Mr. Lim.. I’m sorry but I had to beat the traffic. I hope you didn’t wait that long?” I politely asked our client at umiling lang siya.

     “No.. You were just in time. Kakarating ko lang din. Let’s get down to business then shall we?” masayang tugon niya sakin at napatango lang din ako habang nakangiti.

     “As I was saying.. I want you to be the Project Director for the expansion of our company building. You have a good reputation and outstanding credentials from your previous clients and I only want the best for my company. So I can’t wait for your presentation.” panimula ng matanda sa aming pag-uusapan.

    “Yes– I have the overview of all the plans that we can possibly do for this expansion project. And we have trusted suppliers that is very cost effecient and will also join me during the presentation. So that you will have the guarantee that everythinh will work smoothly.” tugon ko naman sa kanya at napapatango lang siya habang binibuklat niya ang folder na binigay ko sa kanya.

    “This is great.. I am getting excited for the real presentation. I expect you to deliver this to us next week? Can I rely on you with that?” napatingin sakin ang matanda and I just flashed my smile towards him.

    “Ofcourse, Mr. Lim.. I always deliver.” sagot ko sa kanya at napangiti naman siya at tumango bilang sagot.

    “You are a fine young man.. No wonder, Pantheon is so lucky to have an ace engineer like you.” puri pa niya sakin na kinatuwa ko lang.

    Tumayo siya at agad din naman akong napatayo at linahad niya sakin ang kamay niya.

    “I’ll see you next week then, Engr. Mariano.” sabi pa niya bago kami nagpasyang lumabas na ng restaurant.

    Hinintay ko siyang makasakay sa kanyang kotse at tumungo pa ako bilang pamamaalam sa kanya.

     I grabbed my phone at dinial ko agad ang number ng isang importanteng tao.

     “We’ve got the date for the presentation, Sir..” masaya kong balita sa taong nasa kabilang linya.

    “That’s great news, Danny! I know you can handle it well. So, you show them what you got and don’t mess it up okay?”

    Natawa nalang ako ng mahina sa huling sinabi ni Mr. Jacobs. Ang aking boss sa Pantheon Builders Corporation. Well, I can really say I am successful now more than I expected.

     Siguro dahil narin sa pagpupursige kong maging successful at maging maayos ang buhay namin ni Mama. She has a small boutique now na matagal na niyang gustong gawing negosyo. I helped her with my mediocore salary 3 years ago. But now that I am the Head Engineer of Pantheon, and to be the youngest ever, I am capable enough of showing off my money and don’t really care about it.

     Tinungo ko ang parking lot matapos kong tapusin ang tawag ko kay Mr. Jacobs. I still have time para marating ko ang aking next appointment. Well, its really not some business stuff. Isang date na inarrange ni Mama para sakin. Actually, ayoko nang patulan ang mga gimik niya just to make me find a decent partner.

     She still don’t get the fact that I closed my heart to any romantic connections a long time ago. Since I broke my heart for someone who will never love me back. At siguro nga, I am still trapped in the past. Hinihintay ko parin ang araw na magkikita kaming muli and who knows what might happen?

    Yeah.. Maybe he is still the one that I wanted all this time. And it sounds pathetic. But I guess I am still that Danny who fallen in love with my bestfriend.

     Habang nasa kotse ko ay tumunog ang phone ko and I answered it from my earphones. Alam kong si Mama nanaman ang tumatawag sakin to remind me about the blind date.. A freaking blind date again.

     “Danny.. Saan ka na? Are you heading to the restaurant? Remember, 8PM sharp.. Huwag mo paghintayin yung tao.” she said cheerfully over the line na kinaikot lang ng mata ko.

     “Yes, ’Ma.. Papunta na ako dun. And I still don’t understand why you keep on setting me up with these blind dates. Alam mo naman ang kinalalabasan ng mga iyon diba?”

     “Danny.. I’m just doing this for you to open up your heart to another person.. Ayoko lang na mag-isa ka. Ayokong makita kang malungkot kapag nanonood tayo ng romantic movies.. Ayokong ako nalang parati ang inaaya mo sa labas. I want you to have your life back.”

    Napatingin nalang ako sa binabaybay kong daan. The traffic was starting to build up again but I don’t really care. Tama si Mama, nakulong ako sa kahapon na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko parin mapakawalan. But no matter how I try.. Mukha niya parin ang lagi kong nakikita kapag may pinapakilala sa akin si Mama. Or even when I just hang out with my company friends and someone will be introduced to me, his face will just pop out in my head at agad kong tinuturn down lahat ng mga nag aattempt na idate ako.         “Ma.. This will be the last time that you will match me with someone.. You should stop being concerned with my personal feelings. I am fine without a boyfriend. I am fine with everything I have right now.”

    At binaba ko na ang tawag at nagdasal na sana ay mas tumagal pa ang traffic para hindi na maghintay pa sakin ang taong iyon.

     But I guess, I really have to face him. Thirty minutes later ay narating ko na ang isang fancy restaurant. I tried to be casual. I did not dare to see my face in the mirror.

    Pinagbuksan ako ng pinto ng isang waiter and a lady from the reception areas was smiling at me. I asked her for my reservation and she said someone is already waiting at that table.

    Tumango lang ako and she pointed out the table that was reserved for me. Nakita ko naman agad ang isang lalaki na nakasuot ng salamin at he has this curly hair. He was looking all around the restaurant at ng magtama ang mga mata namin ay agad naman siyang natulala. I walked towards him at hinintay kong magsalita siya o ilahad manlang niya ang kamay niya.

    “Hi- I’m Danny.. Nice to meet you.” walang gana kong pagpapakilala sa kanya but I still tried to fake a smile. He was stunned at hindi agad nakapagsalita. What’s wrong with this guy?

    “Ah– Sorry.. I’m Charles.. Charles Bennet. Nice to meet you too, Danny.” aligaga niyang sabi at agad siyang napatayo upang kamayan ako.

     “My mom was not exaggerating when she said how handsome you are..” hindi siya kumukurap habang ako naman ay napataas na ng aking kilay dahil sa kakaiba niyang pagtitig sakin.

     “Say.. Your mom and my mother made this arrangement?” tanong ko sa kanya and he nodded like he has been enchanted. Nakatingin lang siya sakin habang nakangiti.

    “Look.. Whatever she said or whatever my mama said to her, I want to clear things out with you.. I don’t like dating.”

    Doon lang nagbago ang kanyang expression at napalukot ang noo niya when I said those words to him.

    “Hey.. Wait– Are you serious about that? Is there something wrong about me? Am I not your type of guy?”

    I looked at him intently at wala akong masasabing kapintasan sa physical looks niya. He was handsome. He was muscular. Makinis ang mukha niya. And he was definitely a kind guy based on how polite he is treating me.

    “No.. You are not my type and I just don’t like to date. So I hope you get it now. I don’t wanna waste your time. So just tell your mom, it was nice meeting her son.” nakangiti ko pang saad sa kanya at tumalikod na ako sa kanya.

    But he grabbed my hand before I even made a step forward.

    “Wait– Danny.. Please, just give me a few minutes of your time. Please let me show you how serious I am about dating you.”

    Napatingin ako sa kanya at nakataas ang kilay ko. He was worried at hindi ko naman kayang maging ganun kasama sa paningin niya.

    “I– I have been dreaming of this day to come. Alam mo ba, college palang tayo, gustong gusto na kita.” Charles said at mas lalo akong nagtaka sa mga sinasabi niya.

     “And I was there.. When you got hit by that car. I was the one who carried you to my car and driven you to the hospital before I called your mom.”

     Nanlaki ang mata ko nang malaman ko ang lahat ng iyon.

    “I was just watching you from afar.. But I loved you sinced then. And now that we have meet again, I will not let this chance slip again..”

      Tulala lang akong nakatingin sa kanya while he was also nervously looking at me.

    “Please Danny… Give me a chance.”

    

To be continued…

    Disclaimer: All images found in this story are not mine and credits are given to the rightful owner.

Chapter 5

Hindi maalis ang tingin ni Charles sakin while we were sitting down across each other. He has this look of a kid na binigyan ng kendi ng kanyang kindergarten teacher. I don’t know why but its seems cute. Pero seryoso parin ang tingin na binibigay ko sa kanya.

    “Kumusta ka naman after college? Maliban sa nalaman kong cum laude ka noong grumaduate ka, hindi na kita nakita pa muli. I was third year when you graduated.” tanong niya sakin while he was trying to drink the wine that was served to us by the waiter.

    “I was accepted in Pantheon Builders as their Intern for half a year. Tapos inabsorb na nila ako later on after I passed the licensure exams.” kalmado kong sagot sa kanya while not taking my eyes off of him.

     “Alam mo.. Noong una kitang makita noong college, I was a freshman and you were a sophomore. It was the foundation day of the University. You were serving as a waiter in your booth that night at ako naman ay nagcostume bilang isang easter bunny.”

    While he was telling me that story ay bigla kong naalala ang araw na iyon. I was wearing a white long sleeves at may ribbon ako sa kwelyo and I was so skinny that time. But people keep staring at me and asking their orders and some girls will be winking at me na kinaasiwa ko lang.

    “Ang daming gustong makuha ang attention mo that time. I didn’t know how cool you are until I found out that you were friends with River Yoon.”

    Nang sabihin niya ang pangalan na iyon ay napatigil ang aking paghinga bigla. I thought about that night. Iyong gabing muntik ko nang maamin kay River ang totoo kong nararamdaman. He was drunk at that time at inalalayan ko siya patungo sa kanyang dorm room. He was screaming so loud about someone na hindi ko naman kilala.

    “You were so cute back then.. Parang araw-araw gusto ko lang makita ka while you were reading in the bench of the soccer field. Or minsan naman sa library ng University. Or even the rooftop of the main building.”

   “Wait? You were stalking me back in college?” tanong ko sa kanya pero tumawa lang siya ng mahina.

    “Hey.. Don’t look at it the wrong way. Gusto lang talaga kitang makita everyday. Ikaw yung motivation ko back in college.” nakangiti niyang sagot sakin pero I was seriously looking at him.

    He really is something. Iyon bang pinagsamang inosente ngunit alam mong may bad side din ito. That’s how I see him.

     “I just wanted to let you know how much I wanted to be with you even before. Natotorpe lang talaga ako. Hindi ko naman kasi alam that you like men.”

      “Charles.. I want to thank you for saving my life back then. And as much as I want to open up my heart towards you. I think I can’t do it.” deritsahan kong sagot sa kanya.

    Napatigil lang siya sa kanyang pagngiti at napalitan ito ng seryosong mukha.

     “You are a good guy.. And I appreciate that. Pero ayokong sayangin ang panahon mo.”

     “Bakit? May mahal ka na ba? Are you seeing someone?”

     Umiling lang ako sa kanya at tiningnan ko siya ng maiigi. He has this scared look in his eyes na para bang takot siyang mawala ako. The look that River never given me back then. The look that I’ve always wanted to have.

     “Wala.. I just don’t want to lead you on. Wala akong nararamdaman para sa’yo.”

     “Then let me prove to you that I love you? Alam kong wala kang nararamdaman para sakin but I will do my best to earn your love. Just don’t push me away.”

    Napahinga ako ng malalim at hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang isasagot sa kanya. He just look at me nervously.

     “Sino ba iyang nasa puso mo at nahihirapan kang tanggapin ang ibang tao? Is it someone that you have loved for a very long time?”

    Nabasa na niya siguro sa mukha ko ang katotohanan. Hindi ko na siya matitigan ng maayos dahil alam kong nahuli na niya ako.

    “Okay then.. I will not push myself too much. Wala akong magagawa kung ayaw mo akong pagbigyan. I think I have to go now. Thank you for your time.”

     Tumayo siya at hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit ko siya pinigilan na maglakad palayo.

     “Wait– I want to know one important thing.” sabi ko sa kanya and he look at me at nagkatitigan kami.

     “Did you know that I was inlove with River?”

      Inalis niya ang kamay ko and he stood there looking at me.

     “I know he is the reason why you can’t accept someone else in your life.. That makes you and me the same. You can’t have him and I can’t have you.” saad pa niya bago siya tuluyang naglakad palayo.

    Lumabas siya ng restaurant at naiwan akong mag-isang nakaupo. Charles just put some sense into my head when he said those last words.

     Bakit ko nga ba patuloy na pinahihirapan ang sarili ko sa taong kailanman ay hindi ako tinanggap? Samantalang may tao namang handa akong saluhin.

    Mabilis akong tumakbo para habulin si Charles. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba itong ginagawa ko pero kailangan kong subukan. I need to experience this kind of feeling for once in my life.

    Nakalabas ako ng restaurant and I looked around the area at hindi pa huli ang lahat para maabutan ko si Charles opening the seat of his car.

    “Charles!” tawag ko sa kanya at napabaling siya ng tingin sakin at sinara niya pabalik ang pinto ng kotse niya.

     “Did you forget to tell me something?” mahinahon niyang tanong sakin.

     “You wanna go out with me?” saad ko at para naman siyang nalito sa aking sinabi. He look so confused pero nakatitig lang ako sa kanya.

     “Did I just hear you right? You wanna go out with me?”

     “Bakit? Ayaw mo ba?” nakangiti kong tanong sa kanya and his face just lit up like a child seeing the snow for the very first time.

     “Seryoso ka ba? You wanna date me?” nabibigla parin niyang tanong at tumango tango lang ako.

     “Hell yes!!” sigaw niya na para talaga siyang bata.

     Somehow this night was the night that my life started to revolve again. Charles given me life again for a very long time. The way he was jumping around was so cute that I just can’t help but laugh at him.

      ———————————————————––

     “So as you can see, we will try to disrupt this part of the building and add a bridge that will easily connect the old one and the new one. Fortunately, there is enough space to do this and we could start the groundbreaking as soon as everything is approved and the whole board will agree to the blueprint and costing presentation we made.” I happily said to a bunch of older men and women gathered in an oval table in front of me.

     Lim Holdings are so critical to every detail of the presentation kaya naman I pushed my team to come up with the best plan ever from our architect down to our foremen and workers. So that they will know how good Pantheon delivers.

    They were all impressed as they were all nodding at each other and Mr. Lim was smiling at me.

     “Well, Engr. Mariano.. The board is in no doubt approving this project proposal so we should have the contract ready and we will send them to Mr. Jacobs right away.” nakangiting saad ni Mr. Lim at napangiti din ako while my whole team was also cheering me.

    Matapos ang meeting ay tinawag agad ako ni Mr. Lim sa kanyang opisina. I went with his secretary at naabutan ko naman siyang may kausap sa telepono.

     “Mr. Lim.. Is there something you want to be changed with the proposal?” tanong ko sa kanya while I was sitting down in the visitor’s couch of his office.

    “No.. Not at all, Engr. Mariano. In fact, I need a favor to ask of you. Something I think only you can give me.”

      Nakataas naman ang kilay ko while Mr. Lim was actually hesitant to tell me what he was thinking.

      “What is it Mr. Lim?” I asked him at agad naman siyang lumapit sakin at umupo sa harapan ko.

    “You see.. I have a nephew in the US who is planning to build his home here in the Philippines. And my nephew is so meticulous with details like me. Gusto kong ikaw ang kumausap sa kanya and tell him that he can rely on you being the Engineer of his house. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko sa batang iyon.”

     “If its a residential house that he needs. We have lots of good engineers to handle the project. I think this will be too much to ask especially that I am the project director of your own building expansion?” giit ko naman sa matanda ngunit ang mukha niya ay puno ng pagkalungkot and somehow he has a deep connection with his nephew.

     “I want to give him that house as a present. Matagal narin siyang hindi umuuwi sa Pilipinas and I want him to take over the company kapag nawala na ako. I have no one else but my nephew and I really want to make him stay here and change his mind about handling my company.”

     Napaisip ako. Wala palang asawa o anak manlang si Mr. Lim. And he seem so lonely just the way how simple his own office look. May nakita akong picture frame sa gitna ng working table niya and a portrait painting of himself hanging on the wall of his white painted office.

     “Well, I can’t promise anything but I will try. Just give me his contact details and I will talk to him directly.” saad ko sa matanda at napalitan naman ng tuwa ang kanyang malungkot na mukha.

    Napatayo siya at masaya akong pinatayo upang yakapin. It feels like I lifted something so heavy inside of him.

    “Thank you, Engr. Mariano.. Thank you for hearing me out.”

     “Just call me Danny, Mr. Lim. Its easier to call me that way.”

      Nakangiti siya ng bumitiw ako sa yakap niya.

     “Then call me Tito Sherman.. Hindi mo na kailangang mahiya sakin. I really have grown fond of you eversince Mr. Jacobs introduced me to you.”

      Napangiti nalang ako sa kanya at tumango nalang ako bilang pagsang-ayon.

     “This is his calling card and I hope you can have a good conversation and make everything clear towards him.”

   Tumango ako at inabot sa kanya ang isang kulay asul na makintab na papel at agad ko naman iyong tiningnan.

    SHERLOCK T. LIM

      His name sure sounds mysterious kaya agad ko naman iyong ilinagay sa aking bulsa. Somehow it will be easier if I can talk to him kapag nasa bahay na ako at kalmado ang utak ko.

    “I’ll be taking my leave now, Tito Sherman. Marami pa akong kailangang gawin.” paalam ko sa matanda na tumango lamang na nakangiti.

    Lumabas ako sa opisina niya at tumunog naman bigla ang aking phone. Inabot ko ito sa bulsa ng aking suit at napangiti naman ako ng makita ko ang pangalan sa screen.

     “Hey.. What’s up?” tanong ko sa taong nasa kabilang linya.

    “Dinner tayo mamaya.. My treat. Okay?” sagot niya naman and I can’t help but smile with his cute way of inviting me.

    “Teenagers pa ba tayo? You seem so nervous while you are talking.”

     “Syempre.. Ayoko naman isipin mo na minamadali kita. Diba gusto ko makilala muna natin ang isa’t-isa?” sagot niya naman na kinatuwa ko lang.

     “Sige.. Since I have been ignoring your invitations for a while now, payag na ako.”

      Napasinghap siya sa kabilang linya at napa “Yes” ng mahina.

     “Friars.. 8PM. I will wait for you there.. Bye Danny.” masayang sambit niya ng restaurant na kakainan namin.

    Umiling nalang ako dahil sa kanyang cute na ginagawa. I feel like I am talking to a teenage boy. Marami akong comparisons na naiisip kapag nakikita ko kung gaano kasaya si Charles just talking to me.

     Maybe good things are really meant to happen. I know I wanted to move on and I think I am in the right direction now.

    

To be continued…

Chapter 6

  “My mom will always tell me to not be ashamed of who I was.. Kahit pa laging nagagalit noon si Daddy. Kung bakit daw ako naging ganito.. I tried to be with girls. Nakipagrelasyon ako sa kanila, but I just don’t feel that it was right.”

    I was listening to Charles talk habang hinihiwa ko ang steak na nasa plate ko. His smile that always feels like he wanted to show me that the world is wonderful when you smile, iyon siguro ang pinakaattractive na trait niya para sakin.

   We were talking about our lives. Kung paano namin inamin sa mga magulang namin that we are into men. Kinikilala ko siya ng mabuti. I really wanted things to work out. Kahit na alam kong hindi pa ako sigurado if I would feel something for him or not. Hanggang ngayon, meron paring pumipigil sa akin at iyon ang gusto kong mawala na ng tuluyan.

     “It must have been so hard for you keeping it from your parents somehow.. Because, ganun din ang nangyari sa amin ni Mommy. At first hindi niya ako maintindihan kung bakit ko kailangang magkagusto sa lalaki. But eventually, she accepted it. She wanted what’s best for me and we only want what’s best for someone we love.”

    Tumango lang siya habang sinusubukan niya ring maghiwa ng steak niya.

     “Noong kumalat ang pictures mo sa campus noon, not just on social media but on every bulletin board of every department, I was so confused. I can’t help but feel that why of all people, kay River ka pa nagkagusto. Saksakan ng yabang at basagulero. Who would want to be with that kind of person?”

     Tumingin ako sa kanya at wala akong nasabi agad. Siguro at the back of my head, gusto ko paring ipagtanggol si River.. He was misunderstood. But I really have no reason to do that anymore.

      “Siguro kapag napalapit ka sa isang tao ng napakahabang panahon, you will find yourself falling for him, regardless of what he does or what he is. Kasi minahal mo na iyong tao. At minahal mo na ang side niya na ’yun. I was young to even realize what I was doing.”

    “But do you still love him?” biglang tanong niya that got me offguard. Napatitig lang ako sa kanya. Hindi ako makasagot.

     “Kasi kung pipilitin mo lang na makasama ako but there is someone who is clouding your heart until now, mahirap makapasok ang isang tao diyan sa puso mo. And I really want to pursue my feelings for you. But if you really don’t feel anything for me, ayos lang. Just tell me so I can stop.”

     “Charles.. We are starting to get to know each other. And I am trying my best to take you and see you as someone special. I know I am difficult to talk with or even be with, pero I am trying to open up my heart again.”

    Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko and looked at me with longing and fear.

     “I just want you to see that I am worth to be loved. Gusto kong makita mo na kaya kitang mahalin the way you want it. All I wanted to do eversince I saw you, was to have your heart and be with you for the rest of my life.”

     It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard from someone. Siguro tanga na lang ang taong hindi mahuhulog kay Charles. Maybe I just have to take things mor seriously from now on. Baka si Charles narin talaga ang para sa akin. What if it was him all along?

    Natapos kami sa pagkain at agad narin kaming lumisan sa Friars. We decided to go to a park na malapit lang sa area. Malamig ang gabi at kakaunti nalang din ang taong nasa loob ng park. Mostly are dating couples na magkahawak ang mga kamay. Or di kaya isang pamilya na pauwi narin mula sa pamamasyal.

    And I am walking beside Charles at tinitingnan niya ang malinaw na langit. It was full of stars and he stopped me from walking.

    “Alam mo, when I was a kid, palagi kong tinatanong si Mommy kung bakit may stars sa langit. Bakit sila naroon and what are they made of? Mom would always tell me that they are meant to be there for us to make wishes. And if I see one shimmering that means I have to make a wish on that star and my wish will come true.” kwento pa niya at napangiti lang ako. He reallt is still a kid at heart. Alam kong simula palang iyon narin ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya. Mababaw lang ang kaligayahan niya. He seems to be a funny and easy to please person.

       “And I always make a wish everynight.. That someday, I will be successful. Someday I will become a good man. Someday I will find someone who I can fall in love with for the rest of my life.” patuloy pa niya and he stared at me. Tiningnan niya lang ako and I did the same. He has this look in his eyes that I never seen in anyone before.

     “You are the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life, Danny.. And I have been wishing that for a very long time. Sana, hindi hanggang wish lang ang bagay na iyon.” nakangiti niyang saad sakin and I can’t help but smile at him too. Parang may kung anong saya ang dala ng mga ngiti niya sa akin.

     “Can I kiss you right now? If that’s okay?” his hands were shaking habang papalapit siya sakin. Napataas pa ang kilay ko when I heard what he said.

      I don’t know how to deal with it.  And I can’t help but feel the shaking in my hands. Kinakabahan ako na hindi ko naman maintindihan kung bakit?

     Hindi ko alam ang gagawin kaya ako na mismo ang kumilos at nilapit ko ang mukha ko sa kanya. I am getting carried away by the moment, and to tell myself honestly, gusto ko siyang halikan.

     And I just found myself kissing him on the lips. That moment his soft lips touched mine feels so warm. It felt like it was the first time that I have kissed someone. Para akong natrap sa isang napakagandang panaginip. I moved my lips and he did the same. We were in the same rythm that when we stopped, we were gasping for air. Parehong may ngiti sa labi namin and I know from that moment, that Charles is becoming special to me.

    “Let’s go.. Its getting late now. Marami pa tayong trabahong gagawin. It was a great night, Charles.” saad ko sa kanya while he was still smiling and was still shy about what just happened.

    “This is the most wonderful night of my life, Danny.” sabi pa niya bago kami naglakad palabas ng park at pumunta sa mga sasakyan namin.

     He waved at me and given me a wink bago siya pumasok sa loob ng kanyang kotse. Naiwan naman akong nakangiti and I know, it will only get better from this point.

    ————————————

       Nakailang ring na ang kabilang linya na tinatawagan ko but there was no answer from that person. I don’t even know if I still have the patience to deal with a person who ignores calls from his phone.

     I sighed and I jumped on my bed. Gusto ko nalang matulog but Charles kept popping on my head. Siguro ganito ang feeling na nahuhulog ka na sa isang tao. I can’t help but smile when I remember the way we kissed. How soft his lips was. How much I wanted to kiss him again.

    And suddenly my phone was ringing that I just grabbed it and answered whoever was on the other end.

    “Hello?” tanong ko sa tumatawag sa akin.

    “Who the fuck are you? Why do you keep calling me?”

     That moment I heard his voice, para akong nasemento sa aking pagkakahiga. This isn’t happening right now. That voice.. Alam na alam ko kung kaninong boses iyon. And my heart just pumped like crazy. Parang bumalik sa akin lahat ng nangyari sa nakaraan.

     “Hello?! I said who are you! Why are you pestering me?”

      “River..” wala sa sarili kong nasabi and I heard a gasp of air from the other line.

     Parang parehas ang aming nararamdaman sa mga oras na iyon. Pareho kaming natahimik at mga hininga lang namin ang naririnig namin.

    “Danny? Is that you?” I heard him and he had that tone of anticipation. Parang hindi parin siya makapaniwala.

     “I am calling for Mr. Sherlock Lim.. And I guess I dialled a wrong number.”

     “I am Sherlock Lim..”

      Nalilito ako at hindi ko alam kung dala lang ba ito ng pagkabigla o talagang nagsasabi siya ng totoo.

     “Are you kidding me? Look.. I am not interested in any pranks or whatsoever. Tito Sherman asked me a favor to call Sherlock Lim and talk him out of having me as his engineer for the house he wants to build for his nephew.”

     Natahimik ang kabilang linya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito kabilis ang pintig ng puso ko. Maybe I was just shocked of hearing his voice again after a very long time.

     “So you talked to my Dad?”

      Nalilito na talaga ako sa sinasabi niya. Anak siya ni Mr. Lim? Pero paanong nangyari yun? Gulong gulo na ang utak ko kakafigure out sa mga nangyayari.

     “Hindi parin pala talaga siya tumitigil hanggang ngayon. At dinamay ka pa niya sa mga gusto niyang mangyari.” sabi pa niya sa kabilang linya.

     “River.. This is confusing.. Ano ba talaga ang nangyayari? Are you doing this on purpose?”

      “Ang kapal din naman ng apog mo na sabihin sakin that I am doing this on purpose.. Akala mo ba nakalimutan ko na ang ginawa mo sakin noon?”

     I can’t help but get angry of how the way he talks to me. Ganun parin talaga siya. Hindi na siya nagbago. Napakasama parin ng ugali niya.

     “Well then.. I will tell your father, your uncle or whoever he is in your life that I will not take this project. Akala mo ba gugustuhin kong makasama ka at makita ka?”

     I never thought I could answer him back that way. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko hinugot ang lakas ng loob ko na sagutin si River ng ganun.

     “Huh? Sa tingin mo ba maghahabol ako sa’yo? But fine.. Its interesting to see an old friend again anyway. I will call Dad and tell him that I agreed to your proposal. I can’t wait to see you again, Danny..”

    At naputol ang linya na kinasabunot ko lang ng ulo ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon, tarantado parin talaga si River..

     I breathed deeply and think about how will I refuse this when Mr. Lim is my biggest client now. And he is the father of that crazy asshole.

     For some reasons I got confused of why River is using Sherlock as his name. Ampon lang ba siya ng mga kinilala niyang magulang? And Mr. Lim is his real father?

    Napatakip nalang ako ng unan sa aking mukha and keeps on thinking of ways to stop these things from happening. Ayokong magkita ulit kami ni River..

     Ayokong sirain nanaman niya ang buhay ko just like how he did 4 years ago.. But it only just got worst when I recieved a text from that bastard.

     “See you in a week, faggot!”

    Napasigaw nalang ako ng malakas at muntik ko nang maibato ang phone ko. Magkakasakit pa ata ako sa puso nito. This man has turned out even more of a devil than what I expected.

    

To be continued…

Chapter 7

    “Hayop talaga ang lalaking ’yun.. Masiyado naman atang mataas ang tingin niya sa sarili niya? Mas lalo atang naging demonyo yun ngayon.” malakas na singhal ni Jared sa punching bag na binubugbog niya ngayon.

    Si Jared ang naging fitness trainer ko simula ng magtayo siya ng kanyang gym two years after we graduated in college. Siguro ito na talaga ang passion niya. Ang pagandahin ang katawan ng mga taong gustong baguhin ang sarili nila. And Volt Charge is now a very popular gym in the whole country. Kaya naman nakagawian ko naring magworkout kasama siya kapag may panahon ako. During weekends most of the time.

    I was lifting dumbels with 20 kls. on each hand. Physically, nagkalaman ako but I tried to stay on my body shape. Mas gusto ko parin na lean ako dahil sa matangkad ako and it suits me well when I wear clothes. Ayokong palakihin ang katawan ko to a point na mapupunit na lahat ng damit ko.

    “At kailan naman babalik sa Pilipinas ang gagong ’yun? Bakit ba kasi di mo nalang kausapin iyang client mo and turn down that favor he was asking. Baka naman kasi gusto mo rin talaga na makita siya?”

     “Jared? Are you for real? Gustuhin ko mang iturndown yung favor na hiningi sakin ni Mr. Lim. Wala na akong magagawa dahil pumayag na si River.. It will only get things more complicated than what it is right now.”

   Isang malakas na suntok ang binitawan niya bago siya tumigil sa kanyang ginagawa.

     “I just don’t like the idea of you being around that guy.. Alam nating dalawa kung gaano siya kasama.. You really like being in trouble with him.”

      Umiling nalang ako sa sinabi ni Jared at nagpatuloy sa aking ginagawa. I just need to let this all out. Kung kailangan kong bugbugin ang sarili ko ngayon sa gym ay gagawin ko. I just don’t want the coming week to happen.

     May bigla namang tumawag sa aking pangalan na kinagulat ko maging si Jared na nasa tabi ko na ngayon.

    “Danny!” tawag pa sakin ni Charles na kinagulat ko talaga.

    “Charles? What are you doing here? Akala ko ba may tinatapos kang client meeting?”

     Lumapit siya sakin at wala siyang pakialam sa paligid niya at hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi.

     Napatigil naman si Jared sa kanyang kinatatayuan dahil wala pa itong alam sa nangyayari sa akin these past few days.

    “Natapos ako kaagad kaya naman naisip ko na puntahan ka nalang dito.. I just miss you a lot.” nakangiting paliwanag niya naman na kinangiti ko lang din bago ko harapin si Jared na nakataas ang kilay.

    “Ah— Jared. This is Charles. Charles– This is Jared.” at nagkamayan ang dalawa bago ko paman masabi kung anong kaugnayan ko kay Charles.

    “The Chess Champion of the University..” sambit ni Jared na kinangiti lang din ni Charles. Kilala na ni Jared si Charles?

     “Nice to meet you, Jared.”

      At isang makahulugang tingin lang ang binigay sakin ni Jared. The feeling na parang tatay ko siya na tinatanong sa isip niya kung anong meron sa aming dalawa ni Charles.

     “So.. You two are dating?” out of the blue na tanong ni Jared na nagpataas naman ng kilay ko. Why is he acting so wierd?

     “Ah– Ano.. Liniligawan ko palang si Danny.”

     Bigla namang napatawa ng malakas ni Jared na akala mo ay kinikiliti sa kanyang talampakan.

     “What? Liniligawan? Seriously guys?” sunod sunod niyang tanong habang tumatawa.

      “Well.. I like to pursue him in a serious way kaya wala naman sigurong masama na ligawan ko ang kaibigan mo, right?” parang inosenteng bata namang sumagot si Charles na napakamot lang din ng ulo niya.

   Gusto ko nang batukan si Jared pero pinigil ko ang sarili ko.

    “Naku kung ako sayo.. Bibilisan ko na ang kilos ko. Itatali ko na iyan para hindi na makawala pa.”

      Naguguluhan man ay nakitawa nalang din si Charles. Para na silang mga timang na nagkakaintindihan.

     “Kung pwede lang sana.. Matagal ko nang ginawa. Eh dalagang pilipina ang datingan nitong kaibigan mo eh?” humagalpak pa lalo sa tawa si Jared sa sinabi ni Charles.

     “Kunting sundot lang yan.. Bibigay din yan sa’yo.” alam kong binibiro niya lang ako pero di ko mapigilang mainis kay Jared.

      “Charles.. Samahan mo ako sa grocery. May bibilhin pala ako. Naubos na kasi insectecide sa bahay. Pamatay ng piste.” sabay irap kay Jared na tumawa lang ng tumawa.

       “Ah ganun ba? Eh di ba nagwoworkout ka pa?”

       “Hindi na.. Tapos na ang session ko. Baka di na ako magrenew ng membership ko dito.”

      Napatigil naman si Jared sa pagtawa pero nadoon parin ang panunuya sa kanyang mata.

      “Di talaga mabiro.. Sige na.. Ako na magliligpit nitong mga ginamit mo. Enjoy nalang kayo sa date niyo.”

       Tumawa pa si Jared at bago pa kami umalis ay nagpaalam si Charles dito. Sumenyas naman sakin si Jared ng dirty gesture. Sinamaan ko lang siya ng tingin bago kami tuluyang makalabas ng gym.

     “Jared is so fun to be with.. Di ko alam may loko loko ka palang kaibigan.”

     “Noon paman, sira ulo na talaga ’yun. He likes to tease me and piss me off.”

       Napahawak ako sa handle ng kotse ko ngunit pinigilan ako ni Charles.

       “Ahm– Ano.. Pwede bang sa kotse ko nalang tayo sumakay? Ipatow nalang natin ang kotse mo to your house. If that’s okay with you?”

      The moment that he touched my hand, alam kong may nginig akong naramdaman. Hindi ko namalayan na napapatango na pala ako at napapayag na din sa gusto niya.

     Sumunod ako sa kanya at pinagbuksan pa niya ako ng pinto. What the hell is going on? Bakit ganito nalang siyang kumilos? Is he taking the advice of Jared?

     “Charles.. Huwag mong seryosohin ang mga sinabi ni Jared..”.         “Bakit naman? Ayaw mo bang matali na sakin officially?” nakangiti niyang tanong while he was starting the engine.

     “That’s not it.. Ayoko lang na madaliin natin ang lahat. I am still processing everything. Wala akong idea tungkol sa relationships. Ayokong magcommit ng mistake.”

    “You just have to trust me.. And feel the same way towards me. Its all you need, Danny. Wala kang dapat ipag-alala dahil noon paman, alam kong sayo lang ako and I will love you and cherish you.”

      Napangiti nalang ako sa kanyang mga sinabi. Siguro nga masiyado lang akong nag-aalala sa maraming bagay na nakakalimutan ko nang ginagawa ni Charles ang lahat upang patunayan sakin ang sincerity niya. And I am just overwhelmed with everything right now.

    ––––––––––––––––––––––

      Kung pwede ko lang talaga bawiin lahat ng aking nasabi kay Mr. Lim, ay matagal ko nang ginawa. But I am in a constant battle of my pride and my commitment to my clients. Kaya ito, nakaabang ako sa pagdating ni River sa pagtatayuan ng kanyang bahay in a very secluded area. Napakatahimik ng lugar at iilan lamang ang may kakayanan na bilhin ang propeties na nandito. The lot was big enough to build a three storey residential building. Marami na akong concepts na naisip and its up to him and the architecture to talk about all the designs that he wants for it. Ang pagaaiskaso lang naman ng materials and making sure the structure is well-designed para walang kahit na anong pagkakamali ang mangyari along the way.

     I was wearing a plain white shirt and a pair of faded jeans and white and black boots that really suited me well. Wala din naman akong panahon para makipagusap sa kanya ng maayos. Alam kong mauuwi lang sa mga nangyari 4 years ago ang pag-uusapan namin.

     He was late for 10 minutes now at iniisip ko talagang nanadya siya. Ganito ba niya talaga kagustong inisin ako?

     At dumating ang isang itim na Audi R8 na pinakalatest model ng car brand. Gustong gusto kong bilhin iyon but it was just too expensive for me at the moment. My BMW will be fine for now. When he parked the car, my heart started to feel agitated. Ayoko mang maramdaman but I have been anticipating for this day to come. Ang makita ko ulit si River in a very different circumstance.

     Isang matangkad at kulay blue ang buhok na unat na unat ang lumabas ng sasakyan. He was wearing shades and his piercings on both of his ears are all eyecatching. Hindi ko mapaniwala kung gaano kalaki ang pinagbago niya after 4 years. He was much taller now, for sure. At malaki din ang ginanda ng katawan niya. And when he took off his shades, nakita ko ang dalawa niyang mata na hindi parin nagbabago ang pagtitig sa akin. It was still sharp and piercing like it was for a very long time.

    He walked towards me at napatigil siya when he finally reached my end, face to face. He grinned at me. Para bang mas lalo niya pa akong inaasar sa mga tingin na binibigay niya.

     “I’m sorry for being late.. Hindi parin pala talaga nagbabago ang Pilipinas. The same old trashy country. Traffic is like hell in this country.” saad niya sakin at hindi ako nagsalita agad.

     Tiningnan ko lang siya ng maiigi at muli kong naalala ang ginawa niya sa akin noon. How he treated me like I was nobody to him. And that anger inside me made me feel more comfortable facing him.

     “Its okay.. Hindi panaman ako matagal na naghintay. And this is just a tour to the property anyway.” saad ko sa kanya bago ko siya talikuran at naglakad na patungo sa napakalawak na bakanteng lote na pagtatayuan ng kanyang bahay.

     Hinablot niya ako and he pressed his hands on my arms na siya namang kinaharap ko sa kanya.

      “Is that how you greet your old friend, Danny? No how are you? How have you been? No kiss on the lips?” at napapangiti pa siya sa panunuyang ginagawa niya sakin.

     “I don’t think its neccessary, Mr. Lim. You seem to be fine. So bakit ko pa kailangang tanungin ka kung ayos ka lang?” matapang kong sagot sa kanya and he just pressed his hands harder at kita ko ang frustration sa mukha niya.

     “Ang laki na talaga ng tingin mo sa sarili mo ngayon.. Why? Because you are a successful engineer? You even look prettier now more than ever? You think these things that you have right now will change the fact thay you ruined my life? Sinira mo ang buhay ko, Danny.. Dahi sa’yo, I lost a lot of people..”

     “Hindi ka pa ba tapos sa paninisi mo sakin? Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba ikaw lang ang nawalan? Dahil lang sa inamin ko sa’yo na mahal kita at may nakaalam nun? Ikaw lang ba, River?!”

    Sigaw ko sa kanya na siya namang kinabitaw niya sakin. I was trying to hold back my tears at maging siya ay namumula narin ang mukha.

     “Kailan ba naging mali na sabihin ko sayo ang totoong nararamdaman ko?Gusto ko lang sabihin sa iyo lahat ng nilalaman ng puso ko noon. And what you did to me was even more agonizing than just telling me how disgusted you are.. Ang hayaan lang ang mga tao na laitin ako sa pagkatao ko? Akala ko ba ipagtatanggol mo ako sa kanila? Instead you were to first one to show me so much hate.. Pero alam mo, napakatanga ko lang talaga.. Kasi kahit ginawa mo na lahat ng iyon sa akin, I still loved you.”

    Gusto kong umalis nalang sa harapan niya para hindi na niya ako makitang umiyak pa pero pinigilan niya ako.

     “And that’s exactly why I am mad at you.. I am disgusted with you! Kasi kahit anong pilit kong kalimutan ang ginawa mong paghalik sakin.. It keeps on coming back to me.. That image of you kissing me, kissing me on my lips has never been gone.. At hanggang ngayon, I still hate you for making me feel this way.. For making me want to know how it feels!!!” sigaw niya sakin bago ko pa malaman ang sunod niyang ginawa.

    He grabbed my face and without any warnings, he kissed me on my lips and I know at that moment, I am in deep trouble…

  

To be continued…

Chapter 8

I take in a lot of force to push River away. Hindi ko alam kung ano nanamang kalokohan ang ginagawa niya. The moment that he kissed me made me feel like I was back on that moment again. Iyong panahong pinamukha niya sakin na nakakadiri ako at hindi niya makayang tingnan ang isang tulad ko.

     He started laughing at iyon ang mas lalong kinagalit ko. Ano ba talaga ang akala niya sakin? Isang laruan na pwede lang niyang gawin ang kahit na anong gusto niya?

    “Gago ka parin talaga.. I should have turned down everything kung alam ko lang na isang tulad mo nanaman ang gugulo sa buhay ko!” sigaw ko sa kanya at napatigil siya sa kanyang pagtawa at muling humakbang palapit sakin.

     “Don’t you get it? After all these years bakit pa ako bumalik ng Pilipinas? I have a great life in San Diego.. I am doing just fine! Pero ikaw! Ikaw nalang palagi ang naiisip ko sa tuwing may hahalik sa akin. Everytime I do it with a woman, hindi ko mapigilang isipin na ikaw sila! Hindi mo ba talaga nakukuha?”

      “Because you are just impossible, River! Sino na sa atin ang unang tumalikod? Sino ba ang nagsabi sa akin na I was disgusting? Hindi ba nandidiri ka sakin? Sana hindi mo nalang ako nakilala? And now, bigla mo nalang sasabihin that you have been thinking of me all these years? Sa tingin mo ba paniniwalaan kita?”

   Umiling siya at hinawakan niya ang mga braso ko. Pinipilit ko siyang itaboy but he just made it more harder for me to move.

    “Because I was scared.. I was scared of the fact that I was feeling the same way for you.”

      Napatulala nalang ako sa sinabi niya. This time he was looking at me seriously.

     “I tried hard to tell you that I feel the same way pero natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sa pwedeng mangyari. And I just kept on pretending that I hated you. But I never hated you. And I just want to apologize for everything that I have done to you. And there is nothing I won’t do to make it up to you. Gusto kong bumawi sa lahat ng nagawa ko noon sa’yo.”

      Umiling lang ako at tinulak siya palayo. Hindi ko na alam kung alin pa sa mga sinasabi niya ang totoo. I am so done with him.

     “Its too late for that now, River..” sabi ko pa pero may sinabi siyang nagpatigil saking pag-iisip.

     “Hindi mo ba ako mahal? Kasi alam mo, hanggang ngayon pinagsisisihan ko lahat ng ginawa ko sa iyo noon. I am miserable because of treating you so bad.”

      Mabilis akong naglakad at pumunta sa aking kotse. Gusto ko nalang maglaho at hindi na makita pang muli. Because what I just heard from him broke my heart into pieces again. Naluluha akong pumasok sa aking kotse and I turned on the engine. Kailangan kong makalayo at makapag-isip ng tama.

     Bakit hanggang ngayon, nasasaktan parin ako sa mga sinasabi niya? Ano bang meron sa kanya na hanggang ngayon, kaya niya paring kontrolin ang damdamin ko?

     ––––––––––––––––––––––          “You want to go somewhere this weekend? Gusto ko sana mag-out of town naman tayo? Hindi pa natin nagagawa ’yun?”

     Alam kong nasasalita si Charles ngayon but my head is not on his words. Ang mga sinabi parin ni River ang pumupuno sa utak ko.

    “Danny? Hey? Are you listening?” saad pa niya sa kabilang linya.

     “Sorry, Charles. But I think I want to spend the weekend alone. I just need to rest.” matamlay kong sagot sa kanya. Alam kong ramdam na niya na may mali.

     “Tell me.. Is there something that’s bothering you?” tanong pa niya at napasinghap nalang ako bago ko siya sagutin.

     “River is back..” sagot ko sa kanya and for a moment there was silence.

     “Nagkita na kayo ni River? Is that why you are feeling this way?” tanong pa niya sakin and I just confirmed it with a sigh.

    “And he told me that everything he did in the past was just a way for him to make me go away. But he feels the same way towards me. That he also loves me.”

     Natahimik lang kaming dalawa ni Charles and I know he is feeling uneasy now. Maging ako, hindi ko na alam ang iisipin pa.

    “And you still love him? Kaya naguguluhan ka? Paano naman ako, Danny?”

     I know at that moment that he was trying to hold back his tears.

     “I don’t like feeling this way, Danny. Gusto ko lang malaman mula sa’yo that it is me that you want to be with. I want to hear it from you.”

     Pero hindi ko magawang magsalita. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko, hindi ko na alam kung sino ba ang susundin ko.

     “I won’t give up on you, Danny. I have waited for so long just to be with you.. Kahit bumalik pa siya sa buhay mo, hindi ko hahayaan na saktan ka niya ulit.”

    And he dropped the call. Naiwan akong nakatulala lamang and keep on telling myself that this is gonna be harder than it could possibly be.

     I head towards my office the next day.. Lahat ng empleyadong nakakasalubong ko ay bumabati sa akin. I need to focus on the projects that I am handling but I just can’t help but think about what happened yesterday.

    Pumasok ako sa aking opisina at nagulat nalang ako sa dami ng bulaklak na naroon. Napalingon pa ako sa nakabukas na pinto at tinakbo ko ang reception desk. I need to know who sent those flowers inside my office.

    “Yara? Who sent those flowers in my office?” tanong ko sa receptionist at ngumiti lang ito sakin na parang kinikilig.

    “Ay.. Engr. Mariano. May tatlong lalaki pong naghatid niyan dito kaninang umaga. And they didn’t tell me kung kanino galing. Basta daw para sa inyo.”

    Napakamot nalang ako ng aking ulo at tiningnan pa ako ni Yara na para bang kailangan kong magpaliwanag sa kanya.

    “May manliligaw na si Engr.. Hay!! Nakakakilig naman. Kelan ko kaya mararanasan ang ganyan? Napakaunfair talaga ng mundo.”

    Napailing nalang ako sa kanya at saka bumalik sa aking opisina. I look all around and it was full of roses and lillies. Honestly, it made me smile looking at all the fresh flowers all over my office pero naguguluhan ako kung sino ang nagpadala ng bulaklak.

    Tinawagan ko si Charles.. I just know that it is him. He would likely pull this kind of trick.

     “Hey.. Sorry di na kita natawagan kaninang umaga. I was really rushing to work. Salamat pala dito sa flowers.” I happily said nang sagutin niya ang tawag ko.

    “Flowers? Wala akong pinapadalang bulaklak sa’yo..” sagot niya naman at napatigil nalang ako. May isang envelope na nakalagay sa aking mesa at doon ko lang napansin ang isang pamilyar na handwriting na nakasulat sa envelope.

    “Sorry.. Maybe its from a client. Anyway, have a great day okay?” tangi kong nasabi sa kanya and he hung up the call.

    Agad ko namang linapitan ang aking mesa at kinuha ang envelope with my name written on top of it.

    At nang buksan ko iyon ay isang picture ang nasa loob nito. It was my picture staring blankly at nacapture ito na papalubog na ang araw. Hindi ko alam na may ganito pa akong picture and that for sure was River’s doing.

    May nakasulat sa likod ng picture at napatulala nalang ako sa aking nabasa.

     “I taken this that moment I realized, you were important to me. That I know, you are very special. I should have known better.”

    Napaluha ako bigla sa mga nakasulat doon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ginagawa ni River lahat ng ito. Bakit ginugulo niya ang utak ko? Bakit sa tagal ng panahon, ngayon niya lang ginawa ang lahat ng ito?

     At tumunog ang aking phone and it was him. Hindi ako nagdalawang isip na sagutin iyon.

    “What the hell are you doing, River? Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari?!” hindi ko mapigilang lakasan ang boses ko.

     “Hey.. Calm down okay? Bakit ka ba nagagalit? Hindi mo ba nagustuhan ang mga flowers na binigay ko?” narinig ko pa ang pagtawa niya sa kabilang linya.

     “You think this is a joke?” naiinis kong sagot sa kanya kaya naman sumeryoso na ang tono niya.

    “I told you, babawi ako sa lahat ng nagawa ko sa iyo noon. And I am starting that now. You free tonight? Let’s have dinner at my condo? Ako ang magluluto.”

    “River.. Pwede ba tigilan mo nalang ako? Hindi ko gusto ang ginagawa mo.. And I don’t want you coming back into my life.”

     “Iyon ba talaga ang gusto mo? Or are you scared that I will hurt you again just like before?”

     Napatahimik ako bigla at gusto ko nalang siyang babaan ng tawag pero hindi ko magawa.

     “Ibang klase karin talaga.. Akala mo mapapatawad nalang kita ng ganun kadali?”

     “Kaya nga bumabawi ako sa’yo.. So I can make things right this time. Why are you so afraid of letting me into your life again?”

     “Just stop making foolish things like this, River.. Ayoko nang gagawin mo pa ito ulit.”

     Napatigili siya sa pagsasalita at maging ako ay natahimik din.

     “You really hate me don’t you? Siguro nga deserve ko ang galit mo. And yes.. I know I’ve treated you like shit. But I have regretted them. Hindi ko alam kung mababawi ko pa ba lahat ng nasabi ko sa iyo noon. Or it will change everything. But I can’t go on with my life, knowing that I hurt you so much. I hurt my bestfriend. I hurt the person that is important to me.”

     Binaba ko na ang tawag niya and my tears were flowing from my eyes again. Paano ko ba lalabanan ang nararamdaman ko when all he is saying now makes me want to believe him. Ayokong maniwala but my heart wants to believe him. My heart knows that until now, siya parin ang gusto kong makasama. Siya ang gusto ko habangbuhay.

                —————————————————–

     “Mama.. Bakit pa? After all that he has done to me?”

     Lumapit si Mama sa aking higaan at naupo siya sa tabi ko. She hold my hand and she sighed deeply. Sinabi ko na sa kanya ang tungkol sa pagbabalik ni River at maging siya ay nagulat din sa kanyang nalaman.

     “And do you think, nakalimutan mo na siya ng tuluyan? Have you asked yourself?”

     Right then and there, alam kong nababasa ni Mama ang laman ng isip ko. She knows me better more that anyone else.

    “I want him to just go away and leave me alone. I am trying to open myself to someone else. But he keeps on  showing up that I really don’t know what to think of anymore.”

    “Kasi nga.. Mahal mo pa yung tao. And I sincerely want you to figure things out on your own. Ayaw kitang pangunahan sa iyong magiging desisyon.”

   Nagkatinginan lang kami ni Mama at hindi ko maiwasang yakapin siya. I need her hug so much dahil gulong gulo narin ako sa mga nangyayari.

    “Manang mana ka talaga sa akin.. Pinagaagawan.” pagpapatawa pa niya sakin na kinatawa ko nalang din.

    “Mama naman.. This is really serious. Ayoko na ng ganito.”

     “Then talk to him. Let him know what you really feel. Iyon lang naman talaga ang kailangan mong gawin. You keep pushing him away kaya mas lalo niyang nilalapit ang sarili niya sa’yo.”

    I guess I have to listen to Mama. Alam kong hindi narin tama na palagi ko nalang pinagtutulakan si River. At ayoko ring masaktan si Charles dahil lang sa gusto nanamang bumalik ni River sa buhay ko.

    “If these guys really love you.. One of them will let go of you. Dahil alam kong mas pipiliin nilang maging masaya ka kesa mapilitang manatili sa isang sitwasyon na sa katagalan ay masasaktan lang din sila.”.          I sighed for the last time and just made a decision that I know will be a risk for me. But I will not regret it anyway. Gusto ko lang sigurong makalaya narin mula sa lahat ng ito.

    

To be continued…

Chapter 9

“This is the structural plan for your three storey house. We have to be sure that the foundations are built to withstand a Magnitude 8 earthquake as you may know it, this country is always hit by earthquakes. And we have to be consistent with it to the rest of the structure.” paliwanag ko kay River sa dala kong blueprints na ginawa ko couple of days ago.

    He was not paying attention to what I was saying. He was just looking at me and he is trying to catch my eyes. Pero palagi kong iniiwasan na tumingin sa kanya.

    We were in my office and as usual, he is wearing this KPoP vibe with him that I really don’t understand. Siguro mahilig siyang manood ng Korean Drama or it is just the trend these days.

    “Are you even listening to me, Mr. Lim?” tanong ko sa kanya. At doon lang siya natauhan nang tiklupin ko ang papel na hawak ko.

   “Yeah.. I was. I just can’t help but stare at you. And how much you changed since the last time I saw you. You look so cute and handsome at the same time.” sabi niya na kinakabog agad ng dibdib ko. Parang may kuryenteng dumaloy sa loob ko ng marinig ko ang mga iyon.

   It’s not suppose to feel that way? Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito pa rin ang epekto niya sa akin.

   “River.. Look. Kung ano man ang ginagawa mo, tigilan mo na. This is just a favor I am doing to your father. At kung patuloy kang magiging ganito, I will pass this project to another engineer so I can have peace of mind.”

   “Danny.. Hindi ako nagbibiro. Wala akong kalokohang ginagawa. Hindi kita ginagago. I am here because I really want to make things right. Para bumawi sa mga naging kasalanan ko noon sa’yo.” he said in a serious tone.

   Napatayo ako sa swivel chair ko at agad na nagtungo sa water dispenser para kumuha ng tubig. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako pinagpawisan bigla. Naooverwhelm ako sa mga nangyayari. Bakit nagiging ganito si River ngayon?

   “Tama ka.. Naging gago ako noon. I was only focusing on myself. Wala akong direskyon noon. When I found out about my real identity, nagalit ako sa mga kinilala kong magulang. I was angry with finding out the truth that my mother had an affair outside her marriage. Kaya pala hindi ako magawang mahalin ni Daddy no matter how I tried.”

  Napatingin ako kay River. He was looking outside the glass wall of my office. Walang emosiyon ang mukha niya. This was the first time he ever told me about this.

   “Naalala ko tuwing pupunta tayo sa rooftop ng main building ng University natin, you will look at me and you will tell me that everything is gonna be okay. Kahit masakit na. Kahit nahihirapan akong ifit-in ang sarili ko sa mga tao. You were there to cheer for me. At ako, wala akong ginawa kundi ilabas ang galit ko at frustration ko sa buhay.” pagpapatuloy pa niya as I was listening, I can’t help but feel the rush of emotions. Ang mga ala-ala noong nagsimula ang pagkakaibigan namin.

  Kung paano ko siya naging best friend. Kung paano nagbago ang lahat dahil lang sa na-inlove ako sa kanya.

    “I guess, hindi ko talaga nakita kung gaano mo ako pinahalagahan noon. How you keep me sane when everything is tiring. Kinaibigan mo pa rin ako kahit isa akong gago. And I never thought, the anger I had with you was turning into longing. You were more than just a friend. Parang ang hirap paniwalaan. Kaya nagawa ko ang lahat ng iyon para makalimutan ko ang nararamdaman ko. Ayokong madagdagan pa ang bigat ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko noon.”

    I tried to control my tears. But it was startinb to flow from my eyes. Nakita niya ang pagluha ko at agad naman siyang lumapit sa akin and he tried to hug me pero inilayo ko siya.

    “Noong gabi na hinalikan kita.. Noong inamin ko sa’yo how much I love you. That was the bravest thing I have ever done, River. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari but I had to do it. Hindi ko na kayang itago ang nararamdaman ko para sa’yo.”

   Nakita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya habang sinusubukan niyang pahirin ang luha sa aking mata.

    “And now, babalik ka para sabihin sa akin that you can’t forget that night? Para ano pa? Para pahirapan ulit ako? Because I don’t want any of it. I was starting to build a new life. And here you are again, trying to mess it up.”

    “Hindi kita gustong saktan. I have suffered a lot with the things that I have done to you, Danny. At ayoko nang saktan ka ulit. Gusto kong bumawi. Gusto kong magsimula tayo ulit.”

   I just don’t know how I end up hugging him and letting go of all the tears I had to cry at that moment. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan basta iba ang pakiramdam habang yakap yakap ko si River. Maybe this is just making me realize that no matter how long. No matter how bad things can get, nandoon pa rin ang isang bahagi ng puso ko na gusto ang pakiramdam na iyon.

   “Sorry.. I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt you. Bigyan mo pa ako ng isang pagkakataon para bumawi sa’yo, Danny. Please? Can you give me a chance?”

   Hindi ko siya sinagot. I just hugged him tight and hoped that it will not be the last. But yet, I don’t really know kung ano ang gagawin ko after all this.

  ———————————————————————––

    Naabutan ko si Mama na masayang masaya habang nasa sala namin at may kausap siya sa phone. Tumatawa pa ito at parang kinikilig na hindi ko maintindihan. May manliligaw ba siya?

   Napangiti nalang ako at nang makita niya ako ay agad niya naman akong pinalapit sa kanya at hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi.

   Sinenyasan ko siya na aakyat ako sa kwarto upang magbihis. It was a long, tiring and hard day for me. Wala akong ibang nasa isip kundi si River at ang mga nangyari sa pagitan namin.

   Nagring ang aking phone and I pulled it out of my pocket at nakita ko agad ang pangalan ni Charles sa screen. It took me a while bago ko siya sinagot.

   “Hey.. Sorry, hindi na kita natawagan the whole day. Nabusy ako sa presentation ko with some clients and River was in the office today.” sagot ko kay Charles na walang imik sa aking sinabi.

   Ilang sandaling katahimikan ang namayani sa pagitan namin.

   “So he was with you the whole day? Tama ba?” may halong lungkot sa boses ni Charles that made me feel bad for telling him I was with River. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa sasabihin sa kanya ang lahat ng nangyari ngayong araw.

    “We talked about the structural plan.. And things got more personal. And ayoko naman maglihim sa’yo. We talked about the past. About everything.”

    “Nag-usap kayo about the past and then what? He asked for your forgiveness ganun ba, Danny?”

    Hindi ko alam kung paano pa siya sasagutin. Somehow I feel like this is not right. Parang sinasaktan ko si Charles while telling him these things.

   “Danny.. Do you still love him? Mahal mo pa ba si River?”

    Natahimik ako at napahinga ng malalim. This is breaking me once again. The reality of me being caught up in the moment is not helping me.

   “I don’t know, Charles. Hindi ko na rin alam kung ano pa ba ang mararamdaman ko. Natatakot ako. Ayokong magsisi. Ayokong magkamali nanaman. And I don’t want to hurt you.”

   “I just got your answer, Danny. All this time, akala ko natuto ka na sa nakaraan and you will build your life with new things. Ayokong sumuko pero kung ikaw mismo naguguluhan sa nararamdaman mo, then you must decide once and for all. Para hindi ko na rin ipilit pa ang sarili ko.”

   He dropped the call at naiwan akong iniisip ang mga sinabi niya. Bakit nga ba ako nagkakaganito? Bakit hindi ko mapanindigan ang mga desisyon ko? Sobrang tanga ko lang ba sa pag-ibig? Am I that naive?

    Wala akong maisip gawin kundi lumabas at pumunta sa isang tahimik na lugar. Magdala ng beer at mag-isang uminom. And that was the thing I did. I drove my way to a secret place na palagi kong pinupuntahan kapag nafrufrustrate ako sa maraming bagay.

    Mabilis kong narating iyon because it was not the rush hour anymore. Mataas na gusali. Luma na pero maganda parin ang structure nito. It was built from the finest materials back then. 20 years ago? Maybe. The rooftop is always my favorite place. I can see from my direction, the shimmering and sparkling lights of the city. Ang mahinang busina ng mga sasakyan at halo-halong ingay mula sa paligid ko. Mga kuliglig at ang maliwanag na sikat ng buwan.

     I felt the chilly breeze blowing through my body. Pero hindi ko iyon ininda. Maraming pumapasok sa isipan ko and I don’t even know if I will ever be the same after this night.

   Si River na gustong bumalik sa buhay ko. Who wants me to forgive him and start over again? What if its just another way of saying, he wants me broken all over again?

    Si Charles na matagal nang pinangarap na makasama ako and did nothing but to make me smile and change the way I think about things.

   Bakit kailangang malagay ako sa ganitong sitwasyon? I am not in a romantic movie right? So why I am in this deep drama? Bakit kailangan kong mahirapan dahil sa hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong gawin?

    Ininom ko ang unang bote ng beer na binili ko. I just had to let this all out right now. Maybe tomorrow, I have the solution.

    Sa ngayon, kailangan ko munang pahingahin ang puso at isip ko. Dahil ayokong mapagod ako sa bandang huli.

  

 

To be continued…