I.

Killian’s POV

I felt my my finger nails dig further into the palm of my hand as this imbecile besides me continued to irritate me with his attempted small talk.

Why did people on planes always feel as if they needed to strike up a conversation with the person besides them? This was almost as vexing as talkative Uber drivers.

I glanced down at his knee as it brushed against mine once again.

Killian , I spoke to myself, control yourself .

Be calm.

Be composed .

Maybe this was what normal humans did.

It’s just a bloody conversation.

You can handle it.

“Yeah I’m flying into Chicago to one of my penthouse suites for the weekend. You should really stop by…”

I looked at this guy through my peripheral vision. He was just shy of maybe 60 years old. His body quite literally took up two entire seats so I wasn’t sure if his leg bumping into me was intentional or not.

“I think we could really make a connection.. have a good time.” he finished. His hand started slowly sliding down a thigh inching closer to touch mine.

I calmly removed the earbud I had in my right ear and turned to him.

As his eyes soon met my dead ones, his expression changed. “The only connection I’ll be having is my flight from Chicago to New York, and my hand when it connects to the back of your neck and slams your face into this plane seat in front of us if you even think of touching me.” I replied. My voice was low and collected.

His entire body recoiled at my words as he suddenly became interested in the safety instructions ticket in his lap.

I slipped the earbud back into my ear and listened to sound of the airplane. Sarah had told me to just put in earbuds whenever I didn’t feel like conversing… which was 99% percent of the time.

The airplane seat jutted forward as the kid behind me went back to kicking the back of the chair. I felt my body lurch forward once again.

I fucking hated planes.

Sarah’s POV

“Ahh, crazy Pete again?” I asked, slipping my badge back on to the waist line of my jeans as I jogged down the short flight of stairs into the precinct’s main lobby area. Crazy Pete was back at it, carrying on an exaggerated conversation with one of our officers. “What’s he going on about this time?”

“He’s trying to file a complaint against Walmart. He said they refused to accept the rotisserie chicken he bought a couple weeks ago.” James replied, walking towards me to hand me a coffee. We both took a seat at our desks towards the far end of the room. I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’ts always something.” I chuckled, shaking my head.

“Chief says your leaving in a few hours to go pick up your brother. I didn’t even know you had any family.” James spoke. I gave him an eye roll.

“Of course I have family, I just never spoke to you about my family. It’s just me and my brother now though and he’s… well he’s-” I trailed off.

“He’s a psychopath.” Chief Roberts cut in, as he slapped a few files on our joint desks. “Morning O’Hara, morning Conway.”

“Morning Chief.” James and I nodded.

“You’re ridiculous Chief. I’m sure he’s a fine kid, Sarah, probably just a little anti social.” James added.

Me and Chief Roberts exchanged looks.

“Technically speaking, he’s a sociopath.” I replied a little uneasy. I never really liked talking about my brother like this. I never really liked talking about my brother period.

“A sociopath?” James asked. He looked at us as if we must have been pulling his leg. “So let me get this straight: You work at the N.Y.P.D. and your brother is a legitimate sociopath.” His eyes showed something of confusion yet intrigue. “Aren’t these the kind of people we arrest?”

  “Well… yes and no. There’s a bit of a difference between a psychopath and sociopath. Psychopaths tend to experience zero remorse and empathy yet they are very well adapted to their surroundings. Often incredibly conniving. I mean technically speaking, a sociopath doesn’t really know how to relate to emotions such as empathy, but he does have somewhat a sense of right and wrong. We’ve been… working on his interactions. He’s doing better I think, but showing signs of remorse can sometimes be troubling. Like I know he feels something but he still struggles with expressing it.” I explained. “He’s more like a highly functioning sociopath.”

“And a bloody genius at that. The kid’s only 19 and he just graduated with a masters. He’s currently on his PhD in… In… Shit, what was it O’Hara?”

“Cell Biology and Development.” I replied.

James eyebrows raised at that. “Is he some kind of prodigy?”

“Basically. Haven’t seen that kid in a little over a year, and I’m still not sure my self esteem has fully recovered from our last encounter.” Chief Roberts sighed. I had to mask a smile at that.

That’s just how my brother was. He didn’t really talk much or care to show an interest in anyone besides me, but when it came to Chief Roberts, there was just some weird relationship. Chief saw it as Killian hating him, but I saw quite the opposite.

The fact that he showed any interest at all in the Chief proved that he meant something to Killian, even if Killian could be a serious asshole when it came to Roberts.

I think that fucked up friendship went both ways though, Whether the Chief would admit it or not.

I fidgeted with the loose fabric of my jacket as I waited slightly impatient by the baggage claim area.

Where the hell was he?

I glanced around, surveying my area. I always felt like I was on the job, even when I wasn’t. A few businessmen made their way down to the baggage claim area. There was only a few luggage’s left to claim from the flight from Chicago to New York and I was starting to get a little worried.

For the most part, Killian was punctual.

“Boo.” Someone whispered right beside my ear.

I almost tripped over myself stumbling back as my eyes connected with Killian’s instantly.

Killian was the only person I knew who could sneak up on me.

“Fucking shit.” I whispered. “I hate it when you do that.”

“Hey big sis.” he smiled.. well if you could call it that. There was very rarely ever a time where he did smile, besides family photos and the likes. Even then, the smile was false and always seemed slightly psychotic.

“Hey lil bro.” I smiled back. From the corner of my eyes, I could see the slight bruising on his knuckles.

He just flew in, Sarah, don’t interrogate him right now. Give him some time to settle , I thought to myself as I grabbed the suitcases he was carrying and helped him roll them out to my vehicle.

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II.

Killi

an

’s

POV

“What the fuck is in this anyway?” Sarah groaned, as she tried to drag the heavy suitcase out of the car and into the parking garage.

“A bit of everything.” I shrugged. I had offered to carry it but Sarah was always like that. She liked doing things like this for me and even though I was perfectly capable, I let her.

It was too much effort to try and stop her anyways.

“Are you staying for a few months or a few years, Killian?” She groaned again. I offered her another forced smile as we started making our way up to her apartment.

Thankfully, the elevator at Sarah’s apartment was actually working for a change. I recalled the last time I had visited Sarah. It had been a little over a year ago, and it took us half an hour at least to get the bags up to her 10th floor.

This time I had brought just a few extra things since my stay here was going to be longer than expected…

That and I needed something to keep me busy since I found New York City to be incredibly annoying.

Sarah’s home was exactly how I had left it a year ago, but that was just who she was.

She didn’t like change. I didn’t like change. We understood each other.

Her home looked just like what you’d expect a cop’s would. Everything was meticulously set into place, and I already knew I’d find a towel and some soap laying on the guest bed before I even stepped foot in it.

Sarah was always mentioning how different we were, yet her actions told a different story. I think she was afraid to have something in common with me. Afraid to be like me.

“So I have something to tell you that you most definitely will not like.” Sarah started. She tried to set the suitcase on my bed, and opted for the floor after many attempts to lift it up. I got that slight warm feeling I usually got in my chest when Sarah did something ridiculous like that.

Something inside me, a very small part but a part nonetheless, reminded me of how I kinda missed that feeling. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt anything but annoyance and irritation towards anyone.

“What is it?” I asked, as I began to rearrange the room to my liking. That was just one of the few things I didn’t mind about Sarah, she left me alone to shift everything in the guest room to the way I saw fit.

“I may or may not have mentioned your existence to my partner and he’s now hellbent on prying into my personal life. He’s arranged some kind of get together next week here.”

“You have a partner?” I asked, my eyebrows raised slightly in confusion and intrigue. Sarah had always worked better alone.

But then again, she was never alone. She had me.

“Yeah he joined the force a little over a year ago.”

I had already stopped being interested.

“I’m not going.” I stated simply. She chuckled at that.

“You don’t have to go anywhere, we’re having the party here.”

“So you just let some random guy-”

“Not random, he’s my partner.”

“-Just plan a party-”

“Get together.”

“-in our home?”

“My home.” She reminded me.

“Who is this guy anyways? I don’t like him.” I shook my head. I was now interested again. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that Sarah had someone else. I mean, they weren’t actually seeing each other… Were they?

Don’t get me wrong, Sarah was by definition, beautiful, but she did have her quirks. Quirks I’m sure she told no one about.

Them again, she also had this charisma to her. I’d always been jealous of it. Her ability to adapt and mix in with any crowd around her, while I on the other hand, stuck out like a sore thumb.

“You don’t like anyone.” She reminded me, which wasn’t true.

I liked Sarah.

And only Sarah.

Chief whats-his-name wasn’t too bad either… but he could never know that. I’d dedicated to much of my time to tear down his self esteem. One compliment and that ego would come back full force.

I couldn’t have that. All my work would have been for nothing.

“I like cells, and technically, humans are made up of millions of them. So really, I like everyone. What I don’t like, is the choices humans have made within moments of generating and creating such cells. Its not the body, its the mind, that’s corrupt.” I corrected.

“What about babies? They haven’t made any terrible life choices yet.” Sarah countered.

“Babies are the most selfish of all. They demand to be held and fed and sometimes, the little shits cry for no apparent reason. They are the seed in each human that started that need for attention and greediness.”

“Elderly people?”

“Too entitled.” I shrugged.

I did that a lot.

Shrugged, I mean. Sarah always scolded me when I did.

She said I needed to look more interested in people. But there was nothing interesting about people. Everyone was the same. Regardless of how unique each chemical makeup was within each DNA strip in each human, humans were programmed for greed and envy and selfishness.

They listened just to speak again, they never listened to understand.

I’ve carried better conversations with walls.

“Could you at least give it a shot? Its just going to be a few people here. We recently closed a pretty big case and I was planning on doing something to celebrate anyways.”

“Go kill your livers at a bar, I hear that’s what normal people do to celebrate.” I sighed. I could already tell this argument was over though. There was no winning when it came to Sarah.

It was like a internal battle as to whether or not I liked the fact that she was my kryptonite.

“I promise its just a few hours love, nothing serious. Now go and get settled in, I have to make it back to the office at late hours tonight to catch up on filing. Some bullshit Chief put us on for not following protocol to catch this bad guy.”

“What he’d do?” I asked.

One of the few reasons I could tolerate Sarah was we both shared an equal desire for solving puzzles. We always had, since we were children. Once she had joined the force, I found myself getting wrapped up in most of her cases.

Chief whats-his-name was hard on her for sharing that private information with me, but I think he was secretly more annoyed with the amount of cases we we were capable of, and did solve, together.

It was funny how humans were like that. The whole point of being a cop was to catch the bad guys right? How were they so capable of letting their ego’s get in the way of progress? Didn’t that defeat the purpose of why they took an oath?

“Well we were chasing a well known member of the black market that was working operations here in New York. We didn’t exactly work by the book with the case-”

“But you knew that was the only way you’d get him.” I replied. She nodded back to me, as a smile crept on her lips.

That was Sarah for you.

And she had finally found a job that she quite literally might have been born for.

Me on the other hand… I wasn’t so sure about what I was born for.

III.

James’s POV

I glanced over at Sarah once again. She had the same goofy smile plastered on her face. The first hour into filing, I had let it go, but now I had to know what had her in such high spirits at 2 o’clock in the morning as we sat here alone doing paper work in the precinct.

“What’s got you in a good mood? I’m guessing your brothers return went well?” She nodded back to me.

“I don’t know what it is. Its like every time he’s home he sends me into a fit of worry, but then it just dawns on me that the kids really gunna be alright, ya know?” I gave her a smile.

I’d never really seen her like this before. I’d never really seen her care for someone like this before. I now felt a serious urge to meet her brother.

“Of course he’s going to be alright. He’s got years ahead of him to figure it out.”

She chuckled lightly to herself at my response. “That’s just the thing. I can’t decipher between whether I’m trying to figure his life out or whether he’s figuring out mine. He’s only been here for a few hours but within that time, I already feel like a better detective. I can’t figure out who’s changing who anymore.”

Fascination began to build up inside me. The only love I’d ever seen Sarah express was the one for this job.

We’d only been partners for about a year, but just as I started to think I knew her, it turns out I really didn’t.

Sarah was beautiful. Truly truly beautiful, there was no doubt about it. I had tried every advance in the book to try and get her out at least for coffee, but the only coffee we shared was ones where we were in the precinct or out at a crime scene.

Some days I seriously considered her to be a lesbian.

Why were all the pretty ones never straight?

Then again, men were trash.

“Shit!” She hissed, rummaging through, and mixing up the countless paper work on her side of the double desk.

“What is it?”

“I completely forgot the paperwork for this last case at home. Shitttt.” She groaned, running her hands through her already perfectly messy hair.

“I can run and grab them for you?” I offered but she quickly shook her head.

“I’ll call Killian, no worries. He’s home right now.”

“But its also almost 3 in the morning, Sarah…” I replied, as I checked the time on my computer screen for the umpteenth time tonight. It felt like time just kept running and we were nowhere closer to getting done.

“He doesn’t really sleep too well. He’s most likely reading or playing online chess.” She explained. My mouth formed a small o as nodded back to her. He wasn’t sleeping well? I had to kind of ask myself why I cared so much already about the kid. I hadn’t even met him yet.

“Hey kil-” Sarah spoke into the phone, but was cut off by the voice on the other end. “Yes those- how did you- never mind yes, can you bring-… you’re almost here?” She asked suddenly. That took me by surprise.

“He’s almost he-” I started, but Sarah shushed me.

“Okay perfect thank you yes, just bring them in and you can make some tea here. I forgot to get a few boxes for you, I’m sorry… See you soon.” She added before ending the call.

“He’s on his way?” I repeated.

“Yeah,” she smiled, “he noticed the files on the table. He said he was waiting on my call tonight while he did some studying.”

A smile started to grow on my face as well. I thought it was actually pretty sweet of the kid. He must really love his sister.

“He also called me a good for nothing imbecile for forgetting in the first place.” She added.

Right right.

It didn’t take long at all for us to hear the precinct doors open. There was only a few police officers on duty tonight since most had taken it off to celebrate another successful case… so we had been left alone with the paperwork.

Anyone was welcome to walk into the main lobby at any hours of the day, but usually the on duty uniforms would handle it. It felt weird being here so late into the night.

“Kil!” Sarah smiled suddenly as she looked up past me. I turned towards where the entry into the main lobby was, and connected eyes with a man standing just a few feet away from me.

Had I herd him approach? I thought to myself.

Once my eyes caught his, I all but fell out of my desk chair.

See what I had envisioned was some scrawny nerdy gamer in a private school uniform with some anti social problems he needed to work out.

What I got, and was looking into the eyes of, was an entirely different man.

IV.

James’s POV

He was around maybe six feet tall. Compared to my height, that was still pretty short, but much taller than what I had originally assumed.

His face looked unimaginably gentle… but what attracted me and almost frightened me all at once, were his eyes. They were the palest blueish grey I’d ever seen, almost as if they could get lost in the whites of his eyes…

Marginally different than Sarah’s hazel.

I couldn’t see too well, but the intensity of his gaze took me by surprise. If looks could kill, his eyes had already laid me out on a morticians table and cut my living body open.

He had dark permanent bags that accompanied them, which made it look as if sleep hadn’t found him in millenniums.

I wasn’t even sure how to explain the curly mop he had on his head. It was a gorgeous brown with golden tints reflective against the precinct lights, and though the hair didn’t look tangled, it did however look like a tedious process to comb through.

He probably never had brushed it.

“Your files.” He spoke as he handed the papers to Sarah. His voice held no emotion whatsoever. It sent a ghostly shiver down my spine.

He was definitely the type of guys we arrested.

“Thank you Killian.” Sarah replied. “Killian, this is James. James, meet my brother Killian.”

“Hi Killian.” I smiled. There was something that flashed across his face. I didn’t have nearly enough time to figure out what he might have been thinking, because just as soon as it came, it was gone.

All he did instead was give me a courteous nod.

“The tea is on the counter over there.” Sarah pointed to the side table against the Chief’s office where we kept the coffee pots.

He began making a cup for himself.

I wasn’t sure why, but everything he did started to fascinate me. It was every fine detail down to how he made his tea. He placed the dampened tea bag onto the plastic spoon and wrapped the string around it, before pushing it up against the cup to squeeze the remaining liquid out.

“I took a look at the file you left for me.”

“You mean the one I left on the counter.” Sarah clarified. Killian shrugged.

“Did you leave it because you forgot it, or did you leave it because you unconsciously knew you wanted me to look it over?”

I glanced back at Sarah. She was biting her lip. It was something she did when she was deep in thought.

“You felt something was off about China shop owner you interviewed a few weeks back, didn’t you?” Killian continued.

“Mr. Weng?” I asked. Killian finally turned to face us with a cup of tea in his hand.

“I saw your notes, Sarah. I’ts deductive reasoning. If your intuition is telling you something doesn’t feel right, then look over the facts again. Find the misalignment and stop settling on a picture perfect case.” He stated.

I couldn’t believe how much he sounded like a detective. By his words, you wouldn’t be able to tell who the older sibling was. A smile spread across my lips as he glanced at me. He quickly averted his gaze.

“We’ll do that first thing in the morning. I think we can all agree its fine time to get home.” Sarah announced. She started to pack her things. “What vehicle did you take?”

“I rode your bike. It’s pretty nice outside actually. I don’t mind riding it back. Plus, it would be a tight squeeze with all the random shit you piled in your car earlier today for the children’s donation thing.”

Sarah nodded to her brother as we started slipping case files back in our locked drawers.

Once we had finally made it outside, all three of us were welcomed by some serious rain storms.

“Shit!” We all groaned, trying to make our way to the vehicles. Sarah looked more alarmed than ever when KIllian moved to get on his bike. “Dont be ridiculous, Killian! Youre not riding in this!” She called out over the storm.

Killian’s hair had began to dampen. His skin looked even paler than before as the heavy rain soaked his clothing.

“There’s no space in your car!” He called back out.

Without even thinking, I jogged over to where the bike had been strapped up, and carried it out to my SUV. “Get in.” I signaled to Killian. He looked hesitant for a few minutes before reluctantly sliding into the passenger door I had held open for him, to get out of the pouring rain. Soon after, I slid into the drivers seat.

Killian looked visibly uncomfortable but I wasn’t sure whether it was because he was sitting in a car with a complete stranger, or because he was soaking wet.

“I’ll follow you!” I called out to Sarah, as she pulled her car up besides me. She gave me a nod and took off.

Believe it or not, I’d never been to Sarah’s place before. Actually, I don’t think I’d ever seen or hung out with Sarah besides the precinct and the crime scenes… if you could even call that hanging out.

The dead bodies sorta put a damper on the mood.

I could see Killian shivering out of the corner of my eye, so I turned up the heat and handed him my jacket from the back seat to put on.

“Thanks.” He replied simply. I gave him a nod. The jacket was much too big for him, but he wore it well.

We drove  in silence the rest of the way back. He was so quiet, I hadn’t even noticed that he had drifted off to sleep until I pulled into the front of some apartments. “Killian?” I called shaking him gently. His eyes snapped open so fast, it startled me.

My hand shied away.

“Sorry.” We both said at the same time. He wasn’t fast enough to compose himself, and I clearly saw the look of fear in his eyes as he stared back at me.

“Are we here?” He asked.

“Yeah, I brought you around to the entrance. Sarah forgot to open up the parking garage doors so ill just drop off the  bike tomorrow morning before heading in for work.” I explained. He nodded back, moving to open the door.

“Goodnight.” I called as he headed out into the rain. He responded by a head nod in my general direction which made me smile a little as he shut the door.

What an odd kid , I thought to myself.

V.

Killian’s POV

“I cant believe I caught a fucking cold.” I sighed into the pillow Sarah had fluffed for me.

Yes.

She fluffs my pillows.

I was wondering the lengths Sarah would go to to assure my comfort.

“You’re the one who didn’t bring a jacket. You know New York’s weatherman is never trustworthy with our forecasting.” Sarah scolded. My eyes shot open.

“His jacket.” I whispered to myself. “I think I forgot to give your boy-toy his jacket back.”

“First off, he’s not my boy-toy okay? Just partners. And I’m sure he’ll live.” She replied. I rolled to the right, then back to the left.

I didn’t know why this was bothering me so much.

My mind wandered back to the night I had met him a few days ago…

“Oh, Killian, long time no see.” Stevenson, the officer on duty, smiled at me. I gave him a polite nod back.

“It’s nice seeing you, Steve.” I was trying out one of those things Sarah had talked about. Some sort of kind short greeting. Steve’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, seeing as these were probably the most words I had said to him ever.

“How have yo-” he started, but I had already made it past the front entrance and into the precinct.

I locked eyes with Sarah first who had been facing me from her desk. All I could see was the back of the guy who sat in front of her.

“Kil!” She called out as soon as she saw me. It was a very odd and slightly morbid nick name she had conjured up for me when we were younger. I didn’t mind, but it never seemed to sit right with the people around us.

The man slowly turned around to face whoever Sarah was looking at, and our eyes met. I was slightly taken back by just how vibrant his… Well… his everything was.

His hair was a very bright blonde with darkish roots that meshed in well with his tanner skin tone. But that wasn’t what caught my attention. What did, were his eyes.

His eyes were one of the most bold blues I had ever seen. When he looked at me, I got this uncomfortable feeling. It was almost as if someone had taken a torch to my body and began the process of burning me alive.

My skin felt as if it was going to melt right off.

I quickly averted me gaze to Sarah. “Your files.”

“Thank you, Killian .” she smiled, as she grabbed the papers from my outstretched hand. “Killian, this is James. James, meet my brother Killian.”

I had glanced back at him from the side of their conjoining desks. He smiled up at me. I felt myself struggling to maintain a stable heartbeat. I wasn’t sure what was happening but it was starting to alarm me.

Needless to say, the man took really good care of his teeth.

His smile looked like the ones models had on covers of swimsuit magazines or perfume ads.

“Hi Killian.” He spoke.

His voice was much deeper than I

thought

it would be.

I gave him a nod, but before I could say anything else (not saying I would if I was given a chance), Sarah was already pointing me in the direction of the tea.

“Have you been listening to a damn thing I’ve been saying?” Sarah demanded, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Something along the lines of You know your immune system isn’t as strong as most and sickness effects you for a much longer time than most and you shouldn’t put yourself in a position where catching anything is a possibility… How am I doing so far?” I asked. In all honesty, I hadn’t heard jack shit Sarah was babbling on about, but all her lectures were awfully similar when it came to my health.

“I lecture cause I care.” She whispered to me before planting a kiss on my forehead. “I’m off to work. Call if you need anything!”

And just like that, she was gone.

It had felt so quiet in the house whenever Sarah wasn’t around. On this particular Tuesday, I couldn’t handle it. I peeled the blankets off myself and made my way over to my cell phone I had placed on the dresser. I guess it was time to give her a call.

It was only moments later when I heard a knock on the door. As soon as I opened it, I was attacked by a fiery blonde who brought both our bodies to the floor.

“Rosie.” I groaned. I swear I felt a few bones break.

“I can’t believe you’ve been in new York a few weeks already and you haven’t called me, you asshat!” Rosie replied. I gave her a shrug. She quickly got up and composed herself.

So you must be wondering how the hell I knew this woman, or why I’d make a phone call just to have my pelvis bone broken.

Let me explain.

I met Rosie a few years back when she came to visit her brother at Princeton. She automatically took a liking to me, which I hated at first.

But then she kinda sorta grew on me.

Like a wart really.

She didn’t treat me weird because of my… Affliction. She accepted my asshole remarks and cold personality quite well. She was also the gal you called when you were feeling kind of alone. If you couldn’t find any words to say, she had you covered with her constant rambling. Thus ensued our complicated relationship.

That was the one thing I hated the most about Sarah.

Brewing around her for so long had gotten me used to her company… I no longer found as much comfort in my solitude.

For someone who had a complicated time connecting, it was some sort of sweet torture to yearn for something I couldn’t have with anyone but Sarah.

I think this was why I latched so intensely to the few people I did have in my life.

I had doubts my circle would grow, and every year that passed, there was still a possibility it could diminish.

I guess you could say I was playing the waiting game.

When would they all finally grow tired of me?

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VI.

James’s POV

“How’s the kid?” I asked Sarah as we walked deeper down the forest trail towards the crime scene.

“He’s doing okay. Still battling this cold but the doctor said its nothing serious. He just takes longer than most to get better.”

“You called a doctor over a cold?” I asked her. I swear she was a whole different person when it came to Killian.

She looked away bashfully. “I was concerned, okay.” I chuckled at that.

“You’re so protective over him.” Her eyes looked away again but this time, I could feel the mood shift to something more somber.

“He’s had a pretty rough childhood.” She whispered. I hesitated for a second, tempted… Then I just nodded. Something told me it wasn’t her place to tell me this story, and it wasn’t mine to pry. “Stevenson.” Sarah greeted one of the officers on site as he approached us.

“Morning O’Hara, morning Conway.” Stevenson nodded.

“What’s it looking like?” She asked. We approached the two bodies that were laying on the floor with a gunshot to both heads.

“Definitely double homicide. Weird thing is, we can’t figure out who they are. No ID, no badges, nothing.”

“That is odd.” I nodded to Stevenson. We both handed him the coffees in our hands like usual, before we got to work.

I started the slightly long drive home.

Sarah and I had spent most of the day processing the case information and following up on any lead we could find. I felt like we had worked for years yet the clock read 10pm on my SUV’s dashboard.

It was another slightly chilly night tonight. My original plan was to head straight home, but as I passed a few restaurants, I unconsciously slowed my vehicle. There was a soup spot on the corner of the upcoming street and I pulled my car in.

The only thought I had in mind was the thought of Killian.

I couldn’t pinpoint why this was affecting me so much. I barely knew the kid, but that didn’t stop me from purchasing a full bowl of the deliciously smelling chicken noodle soup the cashier had convinced me was the greatest thing they made.

I felt myself smile. There was just something about him that demanded my attention.

“James?” Sarah asked confusingly as she opened her apartment door further to let me in.

“Hey sorry, I know it’s getting late.” I replied, setting the bag I was holding on the dining room table by the door. “I just came to drop off some soup for you and Killian. The lady at the register said it was a blessing for colds.”

A smile slowly spread across Sarah’s face. I hadn’t even noticed she was in a night gown until now. This woman was seriously gorgeous in anything she wore, but her in this particular slip warranted at least a once over.

“Thanks James, that’s so kind of you. Killian is in his room across the hall if you want to bring this to him for me.” She offered, handing me back one of the soup cups and a spoon. “I’m just doing a mandatory online training course but once I finish up, we can talk a bit.”

I gave her a nod and slowly made my way down the corridor.

This was my very first time seeing Sarah’s home. The employee downstairs had directed me to her apartment number since I didn’t even have that information.

We had originally planned to come here to celebrate with a few other cops but after Killian caught this cold, Sarah thought it was best we head to a bar instead.

Everything looked much more simpler than I assumed it would. She had very modern furniture with barely any decorations.

As I neared the room, I could hear calming music playing. It was nothing I recognized, but it sounded beautiful.

I knocked lightly on the door and it only took seconds before the music was shut off, and the door was opened.

Killian stood before me, wearing a loose fitted Princeton shirt and some nike joggers. His nose was a bright and slightly irritated pink, most likely from blowing it excessively. The bags under his eyes looked even darker if that was possible. He seemed startled, then slightly confused as his eyes found mine.

“Hey.” I smiled.

“What are you doing here?” He asked in return.

“I brought you some soup.” He glanced down at the soup container and spoon in my hand before stepping aside to let me in.

“You didn’t have to.” He stated simply.

“I wanted to.” I replied, as I set the cup down on his dresser. His room was quite large, and much more personalized than the rest of the home. There were textbooks piled high on the floor next to his bed, along with two microscopes. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but this looked about right.

“Thanks.” He nodded. He didn’t say much more after that. I started aimlessly wandering around his room until I spotted a framed picture that was propped up against his lamp. I had to crouch down to see it properly since everything sat low in his room, including his bed side table.

I almost didn’t recognize Killian. I wouldn’t of if it wasn’t for those eyes.

He was smiling. Genuinely smiling.

He couldn’t of been more than 8 or 9 years old, and at that time, his hair was much lighter.

The picture was taken at the beach. There was a woman and a man that stood besides the two of them. The woman and man looked to be in their 40’s and they too had the largest smiles on their faces. The woman looked almost identical to Sarah.

“Are these your parents?” I asked Killian. He started to nod, then stopped abruptly.

“Not my biological, no. Those are Sarah’s parents. This was the year they adopted me.” Killian explained.

My fingers loosened their grip on the frame, causing me to almost drop the picture. I mean, Killian did look different, but being adopted hadn’t once cross my mind.

It sort of made sense now though… Why Sarah was so protective. My mind traveled back to what she had said earlier though, about him having a rough childhood.

“You were adopted.” I said to myself as my fingers traced the frame of the picture.

“Yes. My parents were long gone by that time.”

There was a pain inside me. I couldn’t shake it as I thought of a young Killian being alone. Sarah had said it was just her and Killian now. Had her parents passed too? So much death, I thought to myself…

“I guess it tends to follow me.” He replied. I was startled by his reply… I hadn’t thought I said that out loud.

There was a profusion of sadness in his voice as he spoke.

VII.

Killian’s POV

It had been almost a week since I had last seen James. I looked over at the jacket that still remained hung behind my bedroom door. This was twice now that I had forgotten to give it back.

What was going on with me?

I never forgot anything.

“You know what you need? You need to unwind, Kil my dear.” Rosie abruptly announced as she propelled herself out of bed and ripped me out from my thoughts.

“I don’t understand.” I replied.

“There’s this crazy high end club that’s opening in uptown next weekend. Ladies admit for free and drinks are half off. We’ve gotta go!”

“Hell no.” I shook my head.

“Pleaaaasseeee please please please Killian its my birthday next weekend!” Rosie whined. I continued to shake my head like my life depended on it.

It very well might have.

“Rosie. You know I don’t like club music. Or people. Or alcohol. Or people. Or being crowded. Did I mention people? We could add sweaty disgusting indistinct unknown smells to that list.” Rosie gave me another one of her signature over the top sighs.

“You’ve got 10 days. Will you at least think about it?” She was doing that thing with her eyelashes that she thought worked on me. Honestly, I was only thinking about it because I did kind of neglect her these past few months. Not intentionally, of course, but Rosie could be quite high maintenance.

Or at least I thought she could be.

Honestly, everyone was high maintenance in my eyes.

I let out a exaggerated sigh mimicking her own before giving her a nod. “I’ll think about it.” A triumphant smile beamed across her face. She knew she had already won.

This is what Rosie wants and what Sarah would want, I told myself. Grow a pair.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket as Rosie took a seat besides me on my bed again. It was an incoming text from Sarah.

Hey Kil, I forgot to do some grocery shopping so I was thinking maybe we go out for pizza after I finish up here at the office? James will be joining too if that’s alright?

I stared down at my phone for what seemed like ages, before finally replying.

I’m here with Rosie at the house. We can do some grocery shopping and I’ll get started on dinner. I replied.

James can join too , I added. It didn’t take long before I got a reply.

Okay sounds good. Thank you, Killian. I’ll see you when I make it home, yeah? Don’t make anything too complicated. I know how you get with dinners. I sent her the laughing emoji back.

She’d told me emojis helped liven conversations.

I didn’t see the hype.

“Hey Rosie, how do you feel about doing some grocery shopping and helping out with dinner? Sarah’s going to have another late day and didn’t prep anything.” Before I could even get out the full sentences, Rosie was already pulling her coat on.

“Let’s go Gordon Ramsey this shit up.” She nodded back. I offered her a small smile.

Who the bloody hell was Gordon Ramsey?

“How’s it looking?” Rosie asked for the nineteenth time this minute. I gave her an eye roll.

“Looking the same way it did 15 seconds ago.” I replied over the sound of the shrimp sizzling in the skillet.

“Sarah shot you a text. She says her and James are on the way. Speaking of, have you met James yet? Mama mia that man is quite literally sex on legs.” I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, but Rosie never really expected much of a response from me when she rambled. “Do you think him and Sarah are an item?”

I gripped the spatula a little tighter. As far as I knew, the only relationship Sarah had ever carried on, was one between her and her work. She had always told me she had no space for men in her life. Somewhere deep inside me, I was hoping that was still true.

I didn’t like sharing.

James’s POV

“God I’m starving.” Sarah whined as we both strapped our seatbelts and I turned the car on.

I could feel my stomach grumbling as well from hunger. We’d both had a tedious day of getting nowhere with this case. My body felt exhausted and at this point, I could’ve eaten anything.

“Thanks again for inviting me over for dinner.”

“As if I’d send you home to a lonely night of boxed dinners and beer on a day like this one.” She replied. I offered her a smile. “I think Killian should be almost done with cooking. His friend Rosie is over now helping him out.”

“Rosie?” I asked. My eyebrows furrowed up in confusion. I didn’t think Sarah had ever mentioned her before.

“Killian had met her a few years back in school. I didn’t even know she had a place in new York as well. I’m glad to hear he has someone familiar to keep him company though.”

Keep him company? I thought to myself. “I didn’t peg him as someone to keep female companions.” Sarah erupted into laughter at my words.

“God no! Just friends. I don’t think Killian is capable of feeling that way towards anyone just yet.” She replied. My eyes grew wide.

“So you’re saying he’s never…”

“Dear god no. Killian has never looked at a woman that way. Hell, I’m not even sure how this friendship with Rosie started. Its been doing him good though. She’s been helping with his anti social problems. She’s really a sweet girl.”

I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as we neared Sarah’s apartment.

I wasn’t sure why I was so bothered with Killian having a female friend…

“We’re home!” Sarah called out as we entered her apartment. I was instantly greeted by a gorgeous blonde. I wasn’t sure how but in seconds, my jacket had been hung and I had been sitted at the dinner table.

“Hi, I’m Rosie. You haven’t met me but god I’ve definitely done my research on you. Jesus Killian he’s even more gorgeous in person.” Sarah let out a laugh. Was this girl always this… Hyper?

She definitely didn’t seem like Killian’s type. Then again, according to Sarah, Killian hadn’t established a type yet.

“Hi Rosie.” Sarah smiled, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. I raised my eyebrows at that. I think this was the first time I’d seen Sarah be affectionate towards anyone like that.

She barely even touched Killian.

“Hi Sarah, how are you love?” Rosie asked. Her and Sarah continued on in small talk, but my eyes glanced past the two to Killian who had gently placed a few cups of tea on the table.

He was in an apron which I didn’t understand why I liked so much. He looked much better than when I had seen him last, and watching him busy himself with dinner made something inside me stir.

“Hi Killian.” I smiled up at him. He didn’t offer a smile back, but he did however, for the first time, say something in return. 

“Hello James.”

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VIII.

Killian’s POV

I laid in bed wide awake.

Dinner had ended a few hours ago and everyone was in their own beds by now. I couldn’t pinpoint what had kept me up tonight but for a change, it wasn’t the nightmares…

And I wasn’t sure whether to be happy or worried.

I kept tracing my fingers over my right wrist. It was still tingling, the same sensation it had earlier. I thought back to just a few hours ago, and what had brought on this burn.

“Let me help you.” James had offered as I started to slip the seasoned shrimp onto the plates. I hesitated before finally nodding.

“Will you take out the salmon from the oven, I’m going to check on the rice.”

“Sure thing.” He replied, slipping on oven mitts.

I’d never been this close to James before. With the help of the kitchen lighting, I realized just how warm his eyes were. He had smelt of old spice and a bit of sweat which strangely didn’t bother me.

It was… Nice.

When my arm reached over to grab the second skillet, I hadn’t noticed how hot the first one was. My wrist bumped the side of the pain and I retracted my hand back from the pain. “Shit.” I mumbled.

Before I could process what was happening, James had my wrist in his hands. “Are you okay?” He asked. Worry washed across his face. All I could do was stare at my hand in his. Someone was actually touching me.

He was actually touching me.

And I wasnt having a bloody panic attack.

“I-I’m okay.” I whispered back. I tried to pull my hand away but he held it out firmly between his warm fingers. With my hand in his, you could see just how pale I was in comparison to him.

I needed to tan or something, jesus.

“Don’t move.” He ordered. A clean dish towel was soaked under cool water before he wrung it out and gently dabbed my wrist. I could feel the uneasiness starting to come on. I didn’t like when people touched me, but somehow this didn’t feel so bad, and I couldn’t fight how good the cold water felt on the burn.

I was having a confliction.

We were pulled out from our thoughts by the sound of shattered glass.

I looked up to find Sarah standing in the doorway. She had dropped her wine glass.

“A-Are you okay?” She asked. Her eyes were clouded over. I had quickly pulled my hand back into the chest as if James’s hand was now a hot stove.

“I’ll be fine.” I mumbled, wrapping the towel around my wrist before exiting the kitchen. I wasn’t sure what I had done, but something felt… Wrong. I saw pain in Sarah’s eyes.

I laid here now, staring at the ceiling.

I often found myself here… Thinking about how I had fucked up this time. It was hard knowing I hurt someone but not knowing why, or how to fix it for that matter.

I shifted again in my bed, and was about to switch the lamp off when I heard a faint knock on the door. “You still up, Kil?” Sarah called softly.

“Come in.” I replied. The door was pushed open, allowing the light from the corridor to cast shadows into my bedroom.

“Nightmares?” She asked quietly. I slowly shook my head.

She sat on the edge of the bed besides me. Her eyes looked irritated. I could tell she had been crying.

“I’m sorry I upset you.” I mumbled. She offered me a small smile.

“You didn’t upset me,” she replied, “Well besides the fact where you barely ate and asked to be excused early.” She added. “I dropped that wine glass because I was startled… And I guess a bit… A bit jealous?”

“Jealous?” I asked, confused. She gave me a weary smile.

“Do you remember the first time I saw you? The first day momma and papa brought you home?” I gave her a nod.

“Mom had pulled me aside. She had told me you were going to be different from most boys. I didn’t understand then. How were you going to be different? I thought to myself.

“When I heard I was getting a brother, I was ecstatic. I remembered working on a game plan everyday that week you’d be arriving so I could show you the best time in New York. Momma hadn’t told me much about your childhood, besides it being a rough one.”

“Mom never talked much about my past at all. It made her very emotional.” I replied, sitting up in bed.

“But do you remember that first day? The first time I had seen you?” She asked.

I nodded silently to her. “You cried.”

“I did.” She whispered back. Her voice broke slightly. The tears had begun to roll down her face now. I did the one thing I knew I could do comfortably, the one thing we used to do since we were kids. I leaned forward and linked our pinkies together. She gave me a sad smile as she tightened the bond. “I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry any longer. Mom and papa were so startled. They kept asking me what was wrong, and I finally stopped hiccuping just long enough to tell them that it… it was your eyes.

…They had looked so sad.“

I stared at her for a long time. She had never told me this before.

“You’ve come so far from that boy 10 years ago. Seeing someone physically touch you… It startled me. I remember how long it took before you were comfortable holding my pinky.” She added.

I gave her a small nod cause it was true. The first time Sarah had tried to hug me, I had broken her nose.

“I shouldn’t have felt the way I did, but I felt as if the connection we had was weakening. Seeing Rosie last night, I realized that you were changing, evolving almost.”

“Something you wanted though.” I reminded her. “Everything I do, every connection I make, every conversation I have… Its because I know you’d want me to. I am how I am now because of who you chose to be back then when we were little. Regardless of the nightmares, and the panic attacks, and the countless school conferences you had to attend after mom and papa died, you didn’t abandon me. You’ll always be first Sarah. No one has sacrificed as much as you have.” I told her honestly.

I couldn’t even believe that sort of thought have crossed her mind.

“I just don’t want to hold you back. I want you to experience things.” Sarah whispered quietly.

“Well for the first time today, I experienced a New York subway.”

“How was it?” She asked, as her eyes grew wide.

“I scheduled a license test for next week.” I replied. She started laughing. “Come here.” I beckoned, moving over in my bed so she could lay down beside me.

And we laid like that, nothing touching besides our pinkies as they remained locked by our sides.

Just like how it was when we were younger.

IX.

“Are you sure we’re supposed to be looking at these?” Rosie asked. I gave her a shrug.

“Most likely not, but I’m bored, so I guess it’s time to help the NYPD solve another case.” She laughed at that.

“You’re a conceited asshole.”

“I’m your conceited asshole.” I reminded her. She laughed again.

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to eat for a week after seeing these pictures.”

I had laid out the pictures from Sarah’s most recent case on the floor in front of us. There were two victims. One was a female and the other male. According to the report, neither of them had been found with any form of ID. I zeroed in on the bullet hole that had gone clean through the front to back of their head, execution style.

Well that was odd , I thought to myself. This was definitely a hit, but we didn’t see much of those in New York. More so… we didn’t find the bodies.

I glanced at the position of the victims. They were laid out too perfectly for the position their bodies would of been in if they were shot judging by the projectile of the bullet. There was slight irritation and build up on the knees of both victims indicating they had been kneeling in some kind of dirt for quiet a while before being shot.

“This is interesting.” I whispered to myself. We were so engrossed in the images, we didn’t even hear the front door open and close until my bedroom door was busted open.

“Killian!” Sarah scolded. “I told you not to take files out from the precinct! How the hell did you even get in to the precinct?” I gave her a sinister smile.

“Apparently, Your aunt passed away, Sarah. Killian was at the station this morning to deliver the somber news to you.” James followed in suit behind Sarah. “Looks like we had just missed him.” My eyes glanced past Sarah to James. I was startled that he was here. Right now. Standing in the doorway of my room.

He’d been in here before Killian, I reminded myself.

“Poor Auntie Anne. Old age took her too soon.” I sighed.

“Auntie Anne is 34 and lives in Georgia.” Sarah replied.

“Well in order for me to get a hold of these files at your desk, Auntie Anne had to die.” I explained. Sarah gave me an intense glare.

“Well, in order for me to not get put on suspension for your reckless behavior, I’m going to need you at the station pronto to apologize to Chief Roberts.” Sarah countered. My eyes unintentionally glanced past Sarah to James once more.

They had both been wearing some comfortable clothing that was now tattered and dirty. They must have been out in the field all day. James’s hair looked pretty messy in comparison to how kept he usually had it. It somehow… suited him? His eyes met mine as he glanced up from his cell phone. He offered me a weary smile.

I could feel the agitation building up, but I didn’t want to upset Sarah anymore, so I slid the pictures back into the file and headed back out through the apartment with her. Rosie tagged along not far behind.

“Heard you got kicked out of school. Whad’ya do? Break another kids nose?”

“Heard your 4th wife left you. Whad’ya do? Ignore her needs like the 3rd?”

“Killian!” Sarah hissed. I felt her kick my leg from under the desk.

“He started it.”

“Actually, You started it.” Roberts countered. “You started it when you decided to steal case files from my precinct.”

“Should we take a look at the statistics of solved cases handled under Chief Roberts and and his precinct? Now how many of those were solved by Chief Roberts?” I countered. He glared in such a way, it felt like his eyes burned holes through mine.

“Killian.” Sarah’s voice was dangerously low now. I was pushing it with her patience.

“Anyways,” I sighed, “I shouldn’t of taken the bloody files in the first place.” There was a slight smirk playing on my lips though. I could tell Chief Roberts was really thinking hard before his next words. When they finally did fumble past his lips, it looked as if the words themselves took everything out of him to say.

“What did you find out?” He grumbled.

“What was that?” I asked. A devilish smile had now taken over the slight smirk.

“I won’t repeat myself, boy. Tell me what you’ve found already, damn it.” Chief replied. Whatever few seconds of vulnerability that were once there, were now long gone.

“I never thought you’d ask.” I slipped the case out from Sarah’s carry on and laid it out on the table. “For starters, the body’s were moved.”

Chief Roberts frowned, but James’s eyes widened as he suddenly crouched beside me. “I knew there was something off, but we hadn’t even run projectiles for the bullets yet, how did you-”

“The knees.” Sarah all but face palmed herself. The indications were faint, but they were there. “I know there’s dirt all over both victims, but look at the irritation on the knees. They had been kneeling.”

I couldn’t focus on Sarah’s personal revelation, because I was far more focused on the fact that James was literally a few inches away from my face as he looked on to see the pictures. I could feel his chin bump my shoulder ever so gently, every few minutes.

His breathe slightly tickled my ear. I shivered from the feeling.

“You’re a genius.” He whispered into my ear.

I was gripping the fuck out of both the file and the arm rest of the chair.

My heart was beating so irregularly, I for sure thought I was going into cardiac arrest.

I mean… There was no other explanation for it, right?

Why I kept forgetting things. Why I was suddenly okay with physical contact from James, or being in close proximity with him.

I had to be dying.

That must have been the most ironic thing I could conjure up, I thought to myself. Because in this very moment right now…

I hadn’t felt more alive.

X.

James’s POV

I could practically feel the shiver that visibly ran down his back from our proximity as I whispered into his ear.

It took every shred of willpower I had left to do nothing more like reach out and touch him, which I had the urge to do right now.

I could see his knuckles whitening from how hard they were gripping the arm rest, and I decided not to push it to much further. As I pulled away from Killian, Chief reached over and pulled the files out of Killian’s tight grasps.

That seemed to pull him back to reality.

“We’ll look into it.” Chief spoke flatly. And that would be everyone’s clue to leave.

“Well. I’m glad Killian was able to return your files that I promise hewillneverbecaughtdeadwithagain.”

Sarah got out all in one breathe as she practically yanked Killian up by his shirt and marched us all out of the Chief’s office. 

As I glance Killian’s way when he slipped past me to follow Sarah out, I could see just the slightest touch of pink on his cheeks. His eyes intentionally never caught mine, but it still felt like he was staring back some how.

I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that for the first time in weeks, I’d actually seen him express some kind of emotion. I wasn’t ready to believe that he had been blushing.

My eyes had to of been playing tricks on me… Right?

Killian’s POV

It was official.

I was dying.

My body had finally given up on regenerating and all my systems organs had begun to fail. There was no other valid explanation for why my whole body was still on fire a day later as I laid in bed 2:30 in the morning.

My hand reached over and fell on top of where my heart should’ve been exactly. I felt and listened to my own heartbeat. It was something I would do as a child, just to remind myself I was still here.

Ground myself… if you may.

My fingers ran down and traced over the burns on my stomach. The most sensitive part of my body you could say. The skin there was rough. I had to close my eyes and take a few breathes to push past the dark memories of my childhood.

Everything was over now.

I didn’t know why I still struggled with it. They were all dead anyways.

I reached over from my bedside and grabbed the shirt I had left on my chair, before pulling it up over my head. I never went shirtless for more than a few minutes. I didn’t like being that exposed… even with myself.

The sound of the kettle going off startled me slightly. Sarah must have been up. I decided to go join her.

“I swear we have serious sleep schedule problems.” Sarah sighed as she set a cup of tea in front of me on the kitchen table.

“Do you sleep like this when I’m gone?” I asked a little quieter than intended. She was still able to hear, but now the mood had shifted slightly and I was growing sick of it. Growing sick of hearing her worrying over me.

“I’m just used to late nights with you.” Was what she kept it at, almost as if she could feel my irritations with all these emotions.

Before I was able to fully disappear back down the corridor, Sarah called back after me.

“I know feeling everything and nothing sporadically can be like it’s own special kind of torture. Know that whatever you feel, isn’t something you should want to run from.” She spoke softly as I stood, frozen, in the hallway.

I gave her a small nod, with my back still to her, as I made my way to the bedroom.

“I don’t need a whole new wardrobe, Rosie.” I spoke honestly, but she continued to pull me through racks and rack of clothes.

She had tricked me by saying we were going to the science museum.

Funny enough, that was still on my to do list. The first time I had gone was a few months after Mr. and Mrs. O’Hara adopted me. Mr. O’Hara had told me I had another one of those appointments with those shrinks.

Of course I didn’t say anything in protest. I was still deathly afraid to do anything that might anger them. First it was out of fear of maybe getting hit, but soon after, I was afraid that they wouldn’t want me anymore.

Mr. O’Hara must have seen how uncomfortable I was with going in the first place, because instead of turning right on Hummingbird LN, he turned left.

It was only moments before he had pulled into the parking lot of the science museum.

“How about an adventure instead, kid?” He asked me. I was so stunned by how warm his smile was, all I could do was nod. I had never been on an adventure before.

I didn’t know what one was at that time.

He had pulled me through exhibit after exhibit, almost sensing I never wanted to leave. That was the first time I could remember smiling ever in my entire life.

Da- Mr. O’Hara started crying immediately after that. I suggested we leave before he got anymore emotional.

But after that, he took me back every Friday up until the Friday before the accident.

“You used one of my memories I shared with you under the utmost secrecy, to your advantage.” I stated simply to Rosie. She averted her gaze.

“I didn’t meant to Kil, but you wouldn’t of come out.” She explained. I gave her one of her own infamous eye rolls. Her eyes weren’t watering or anything but I knew Rosie enough to know that she had just had a sudden realization of how fucked up that was, and if I said anything that would hurt her more at this fragile state, there would be tears.

“Let’s just get this bloody thing over with then shall we.”

A smile slowly started to play at her lips as she continued to lead me through store after store. She looked beyond grateful at my words.

I was regretting agreeing to this club thing.

But then again, I regretted most things I agreed to, when it came to Rosie.

“We’re not going to change everything but I want you looking good so I can show you off to all my other stuck up New York friends who will be there including an ex boyfriend, you know, Chad? Yeah he needs to know I’ve moved on. Wayyyyy on, so I’m thinking just a little he’ll in the hair and maybe-  oh! Yes this would look….”

And so the rest of my afternoon was spent following Rosie like a pup. She insisted I at least go and try to have my hair combed through. I finally agreed. Then, it was tanning.

I told her that was a firm fuck that shit.

So I stayed in the lobby as she got herself a tan.

And I now understood why woman started getting ready for things so early. By the time night rolled around, I couldn’t believe where the day had gone.

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XI.

“Killian, are you almost ready?” Rosie called out from the bathroom down the hall.

“I’ve been ready, waiting for you for like the last 25 minutes.” I shot back. I heard the sound of more makeup bags being unzipped and zipped.

The living room tv now read 10:03 pm. Sarah was long gone, and besides the occasional noices from the bathroom, everything seemed far too quiet for a Friday night.

I was so used to hearing the halls of Princeton getting ready for parties on Friday nights. I, of course, never participated. I had thought of doing a research paper on the experience, but after finding a drunk guy passed out naked on my dorm room floor one morning, I decided it wasn’t my cup of tea.

Rosie appeared at the front of the corridor moments later. She was wearing this tight gold sequins dress that hugged every roll on her body. She didn’t really have any rolls, so maybe they were actually curves? I thought it looked uncomfortable when I saw it on her in the fitting rooms. She just responded with “Pain is beauty.”

Her legs looked the most uncomfortable as she tried to walk in these super high heels. When her eyes met mine, she pretended to faint against the wall.

“Mama Mia don’t you look like one tall dark drink. Mm mm mmmm I did good. I did real good.” Rosie sighed longingly.

I was in a tighter than average dress top, with a belt and some dress pants. I didn’t have much of any muscle, but my broad shoulders helped fill in the top part of the shirt. This dark color on me made my pale skin stand out even more than average.

“You look like some sexy vampire that belongs on twilight.” Rosie assure. I wasn’t sure whether to take that as a compliment or not. I wasn’t sure what twilight was.

“Thanks.” I mumbled.

After a few more millenniums of ‘touch ups’ Rosie was now ready to be seen by the public. She ordered us an Uber even though I told her I had no intention of drinking tonight and could definitely sober cabbie us home.

She wouldn’t hear it.

When we finally arrived at the club, I almost did a 180 to call for a cab. The line had seriously trickled out the front doors and wrapped itself around the entire building.

“There’s no way we’re getting in tonight.” I told Rosie. She just rolled her eyes at me and handed me her purse to hold temporarily.

“You just gotta know how to play it right with the bouncers. Here, watch this.” Her hands went to her boobs to push them up a little inside her bra, before we approached the bouncer at the very front of the line.

“I’m sorry, You two will have to wait like the rest of you don’t have VIP entry.” The man spoke. Rosie gave him one of her flirtatious laughs, and just like any average male would do, his eyes immediately cast down to her cleavage.

“It’s my birthday, and I was just hoping to show my brother a good time here. He’s only in New York for a week.” She called out to him over the loud music.

He looked to be contemplating it for a moment, but his eyes only ever left her boobs to cast down to her ass as he finally let us through.

“Men are pigs.” I spoke more to myself than Rosie. But she had heard me.

“Spoken like a true gay friend.” She smiled.

“I’m not-” I started. But Rosie has already made her way to the bar.

“I’m going to get a vodka cranberry, and can I get a coke and rum for my friend here?” She called out over the music. The bartender gave her a flirtatious smile, and got right to making our drinks.

“I’m not drinking tonight, remember?” I asked her. It was her turn now to give me a shrug.

“I promise it’s not too strong at all. Plus, you already like Coke, it’s your favorite beverage with just a little rum in it.” She called back over the noise.

I gave her a sigh of defeat as I took a seat at the bar besides her. The place didn’t smell as bad as I thought it would, but it must have been because it was their first night opening.

What this place was, however, was packed to capacity. You could barely make it a foot without bumping into at least 4 other people. I didn’t like the congestion.

It was only moments before our drinks were set in front of us. I held the glass to my nose and gave it a sniff. It didn’t smell so bad. Kind of had a spiced scent to it.

“I went easy on the rum, I promise.” The bartender spoke, offering me one of those ‘over the top ambitious for a bartender’ grins. I gave him a polite nod, and took a sip.

It tasted a little off from just regular coke, but I didn’t mind it.

Dare I say, I might have kind of liked it. The rum was an excellent compliment to the soda.

“I told you you’d like it!” Rosie called out. I gave her a small smile as my body started feeling a bit warmer than usual.

It only took minutes before I killed the drink completely and asked for another.

Rosie was chatting up a storm with Mr. Bartender, but it didn’t take long before Chad had spotted us.

“Hey Rosie.” He spoke, using the suave voice Rosie seemed to always fall for. He gave me a nod in my general direction but I ignored it.

Last time I saw him, he had made Rosie cry and and I had busted his nose.

We weren’t exactly on speaking terms anymore.

“I’ll be back in just a moment.” Rosie called to me as she slipped off the bar stool and made her way onto the dance floor. Something told me I wasn’t going to see her for the rest of the night.

Fantastic , I thought to myself.

“Can I get another one of these?” I asked the bartender. He gave me a nod.

“I hope that wasn’t your girl.” He spoke, setting the refreshed glass in front of me. I was finishing up sending a text to Sarah to see if she could pick me up in a bit.

“Nope, She was his though.” I replied. These were probably the most words I had said to any stranger that wasn’t a threat. I couldn’t believe I was even carrying a conversation with this guy I barely knew, but I guess that was the power of liquor, right?

“Damn. Looks like a total douchebag too.” I gave the bartender a smile.

“Definitely a total douchebag.” I replied.

“I’m Damion by the way.” He introduced.

“Killian.” I replied. I offered him cash for the drink, but he told me it was on the house tonight.

By now, my body was completely on fire. I sort of liked the feeling. I don’t think I’d ever just spoken without thinking, but in this moment, everything was fumbling past my lips.

There was another girl who had broken away from her friend group to grab a drink at the bar.

“I couldn’t imagine a man such as yourself, drinking alone at a bar.” She spoke to me. If I didn’t have threee drinks mixing in my system, I probably would of ignored her, but what the hell I thought to myself.

“No girlfriend, just here with a friend. I think she’s hooking up with her douchebag ex right now.” I replied. The girl laughed at that.

“Well too bad for her. Would you care to dance a bit?” She asked.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t dance.” The only dancing I had ever done was an international dance class I was forced to take at Princeton. I had what some would call two left feet.

“Rubbish. Finish up that drink and I’ll show you how.” She called back. I took the last few sips from the glass, gave the bartender a generous tip, and let the girl lead me on to the dance floor.

XII.

I could definitely feel the liquor taking over now.

This girl, Amy I think she said her name was, had started showing me a few moves on the dance floor. She let out a powerful laugh as I tried to imitate whatever it was she was showing me. We finally opted out for me just swaying as she danced in front.

A few guys approached her but she just as easily shot them down. She didn’t seem to care for the handsy types, and I did my best to shield her from the drunks that were stumbling into people.

I felt someone behind me, as a hand placed itself against my waist.

I quickly shuffled forward and out of his grasp. “No thanks.” I mumbled.

It was a guy I definitely didn’t recognize. He was sort of falling forward, clearly far too gone to register what he was doing as he advanced me.

Before he could touch me again, he was jerked back violently by someone else.

“Kid said no.” James shot at the guy, who after seeing just how large James was in comparison, slowly started to back away.

“My bad, man.” He mumbled, sobering up slightly as he disappeared back into the crowd.

“James?” I asked.

Great.

I was now at the point of drunk where I began to slur my words.

James was standing before me in a loose fitted work button down shirt and some work pants. His hair was still slightly damp from a shower, so it was darker than the lighter blonde I was used to.

“Hey. Sarah sent me to come get you after you didn’t reply to her last text.” He spoke.

This was probably the longest eye contact I had held with him ever. His eyes seemed so intense tonight. Where they always this blue? I asked myself. Maybe the dark hair made it seem even more intense than usual.

“Are you ggoing kareokeeying witth uss?” I asked. I wasn’t even sure what I was saying anymore but I was silently hoping it made some sense. Words were getting more and more difficult tonight.

“He’s had a few too many Coke and rum’s, but what he meant was me and some friends are heading to a karaoke bar across the street. Did you want to join us?” Amy asked.

James’s POV

I quite literally couldn’t peel my eyes away from Killian’s, even as the short blonde besides him spoke to me. Tonight, they were the opposite of how dead they usually looked.

Killian was wearing this dress shirt and dress pants that were far from Killian’s style, I almost didn’t recognize him in the crowd. He looked incredibly handsome tonight.

His eye lids seemed a little heavy and he was definitely slurring some words now.

I still couldn’t get over the fact that I was looking at a drunk Killian.

But tonight… he never looked more alive.

“I think we should probably get him home.” I replied to the blonde. Killian pouted at my response and my eyes unintentionally glanced down at his lips. They looked a little swollen, sort of like Sarah’s whenever she bit them whilst deep in thought.

“Can we go for a little bit?” He asked.

And I swear I had every intention of saying no…

But those fucking eyes were doing me in. My lips betrayed me as the words yes left them.

“Only for a few minutes, then I’m taking you home. No questions asked.” I added. He gave me an eager nod and a small smile, and for the first time ever, the smile was genuine. I stood there just staring…

And I knew I was staring hard.

But I couldn’t help it.

The blonde girl had a large smile on her lips as well as she started to usher us out the back door of the club. Killian stumbled forward, but I caught him with an arm around his waist. His cheeks were getting rosy now.

I thanked the lord that the karaoke bar was actually just down a block. Killian was having a harder than average time trying to make it down the street, but he was still doing pretty well for being this wasted.

I actually knew this area of downtown considering I only lived a few blocks from here. When Sarah had texted me to go and get Killian, I was just making it out of the shower.

Sarah had been stuck with a witness at the station, otherwise she would of come for him herself. But Im sure if she saw Killian like this, all she’d do is worry, so I was glad I was the one to get him.

Something told me this was his first time getting drunk ever.

How did they even make it into this club anyways?

Killian and Amy I think she said her name was, was chatting up a storm a little ways in front of me. We were accompanied by two of Amy’s friends. They looked like a couple judging by the blatant making out they were doing every chance they got.

I was too distracted by Killian and Amy to notice them much at all. Did Killian like her? I mean she was definitely gorgeous… and these were the most words I’d seen him speak with anyone since his arrival in New York.

He did trip over his own feet occasionally as we made our way to the karaoke bar.

So it very well could of been the liquor.

We finally reached the entrance of the bar, and followed Amy in. The welcomer walked us through to a vacant room that already had a few liquor bottles and beers placed neatly on the table. We all took seats on the rounded couches as Amy set up the karaoke mic and screen.

“Alright guys it’s all set. Since it’s Killian’s first time out to this sorta thing, I think it’s only fair you grace us with your voice.” Amy announced.

Killian nodded, pushing himself off the couch to approach the mic stand.

“See anything you like?” Amy asked. I noticed him pull his bottom lip up in between his teeth. I was almost entranced by this motion.

“I think I’ve got something here.” He finally nodded.

I noticed the song almost instantly.

It was Savin Me, by Nickelback.

XIII.

The guitar began playing and Killian’s eyelids seemed to dip further. It looked like the liquor was really taking over.

The vocals started immediately after, and I wasn’t prepared for what I heard next.

Prison gates won’t open up for me

On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’

Oh, I reach for you..

Well I’m terrified of these four walls

These iron bars can’t hold my soul in

All I need is you, come please, I’m callin’

And, oh, I scream for you

Hurry, I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’…

Our eyes locked immediately as his found mine.

Show me what it’s like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I’ll show you what I can be

Say it for me, say it to me

And I’ll leave this life behind me

Say it if it’s worth saving me

His voice was unlike anything I had every heard before, or could ever imagine.

It was raw and rich and resonant.

His eyes bore into mine now as he sang into the mic.

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me

With these broken wings I’m fallin’ and all I see is you

These city walls ain’t got no love for me

I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story

And, oh, I scream for you come please,

I’m callin’ and all I need from you, hurry, I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I’ll show you what I can be

Say it for me, say it to me

And I’ll leave this life behind me

Say it if it’s worth saving me…

(Hury, I’m fallin’)

There was a guitar interlude on this part, but the music had faded away ages ago. All I could hear was his voice as he sang.

I was mesmerized by his performance, and the words he spoke. It was almost as if I felt pain from it. I felt something inside me clench in uneasiness. Was it even possible for someone to sing like this? To sing with so much pain?

His eyes had closed briefly for the last part here.

And all I need is you

Come please, I’m callin’

And, oh, I scream for you

Hurry, I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’

His eyes found mine for the last time.

Show me what it’s like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I’ll show you what I can be

And say it for me, say it to me

And I’ll leave this life behind me

Say it if it’s worth saving me, hurry, I’m fallin’

His eyes were clouded over with something I couldn’t detect.

Say it for me, say it to me

And I’ll leave this life behind me

Say it if it’s worth saving me…

Amy and her friends had begun to cheer as the song came to an end, but Killian just stood there looking at me. I could tell this song meant so much more to him than anyone had caught on.

He blinked again and stumbled back, looking slightly dizzy as he tried to make it away from the bright lights at the front.

That was my cue to get the kid home.

“Just a few more blocks, we’re almost at my place.” I spoke to him. He used me as a crutch to make it down the street.

He seemed really gone now.

“Thanyouforgettingme.” He mumbled.

“Don’t mention it.” I replied. His face was rosy pink from the nip of the cold air and the warmth of the liquor.

“I-I just wanted to te-tell you how pretty your eyesare.” He added. I was now helping him up the front steps to the apartment building.

I felt a smile spread across my face. The kid liked my eyes?

I mean, I heard that compliment from almost every girl I met, but it was so much more , coming from Killian.

“Alright, kid, lets get you to a bed. Time for you to sleep off the rest of the liquor.”

“But I feel so good right now.” He whispered. I had leant him against the door panel as I looked for the keys and when I finally found them in my jacket pocket, he stumbled forward onto me.

I didn’t dare move because:

1.) He was quite literally in my arms right now. Like I’m talking in my arms with my arms holding him together at the waist, and 2.) We were the closest we had probably ever been to each other ever.

His hand came up and lightly traced a finger down the edge of my jawline. I unintentionally leaned into his soft touch.

Fuck , it felt really good.

He drew his face so close I forgot how to breathe. Being this near to him, I could see his eyes were a stormy greyish blue. They looked so rare, as if these were the only eyes I will ever get to lay mine upon again.

They broke contact as they cast down to my lips then back to my eyes. I was ready to say fuck it, and close the distance between us, but Killian pulled away immediately.

“I don’t feel so-” he started, but cut himself off as he turned around and puked into the bushes on the sides of the entrance.

My body jumped out of the trance I was in, and I moved to hold his hair back until he was finished, then I helped him inside.

“Yrbedissocmfy.” Killian mumbled into my sheets. I had just finished cleaning himself of vomit.

“Don’t fall asleep on me just yet, I’ve gotta change your shirt.” I reminded him. He sat up and started fumbling with the buttons before finally freeing himself from the vomit infested mess.

I grabbed a large shirt from my closet and set it on the chair before helping him with pulling the dress shirt off his right arm. My eyes betrayed me as they couldn’t help but wander over his bare skin.

That was when I saw the scars.

All the scars.

My breath caught in my throat when I saw the distinct cigarette burns that were all over his upper arms and stomach.

I was speechless.

I could feel my vision blurring from pure fury as I slipped the clean shirt over them. I didn’t want to freak him out or anything by asking about it so I tucked him gently into bed with the new shirt on.

The shirt was far too large for him like my jacket, but he seemed to like it, curly into himself and the pillow as he drifted off to sleep.

I slipped my work pants and shirt off, before changing into some joggers. There was some spare pillows and blankets tucked away in my closet, and I thought it would probably be best if I took the couch in the living room.

I glanced over at Killian once more before I closed the door behind me. I couldn’t get the image of those burns out of my memory. Who would do something like that to a kid?

Was this the haunting childhood Sarah spoke of?

XIV.

Killian’s POV

There was a bright feeling of warmth that engulfed my body. Was that the sun? I thought myself. I slowly cracked one eye open and instantly regretted it.

My face was in the direct path of a sun ray.

“Fuck.” I mumbled. Intense throbbing was all I could feel now. I thought my head might actually explode.

“Here.” I heard a voice say as someone entered the room. Was that James? What was James doing here?

Wait.

Wasn’t my window on the opposite side of my door?

My eyes shot open in realization that I wasn’t, in fact, in my own room.

I glanced up at James who was sitting on the edge now, holding a glass of water and a pill cap that had two white pills inside.

I held my hands out gratefully as he tapped the pills into one and placed the glass of water in the other.

After I had swallowed the pills, and finished the water, I sort of pulled the blankets up to my neck and buried my face in them. All I saw were scenes of what happened the night before.

Everything was hazy thanks to the alcohol, but I did recall throwing up into a bush at some point. There was another memory that was fighting against the hangover to push itself up to the surface. I couldn’t remember much but I remember the feeling I felt when I was literal inches away from James.

Was I…

Was I about to kiss him?

That was when the Coke and Rum came pouring out of me and into the bushes.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled into the blanket. James chuckled.

“I had a very… eventful night. You’re quite adventurous when you’re drunk.”

I buried my face further into the blankets.

“Why don’t you take a shower and eat something, then I’ll drive you home? I already told Sarah I just let you sleep here since it didn’t seem like you could make it to the other side of town last night.” James spoke as he started pulling out a towel and clothing from his closet. “I sent your clothes in for dry cleaning already. There was nothing I could do on my end to get the smell out.”

I nodded into the blanket.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it. Go shower though. I didn’t do the best job of cleaning you up yesterday.”

I finally pulled my head out of the sheets to realize I did still smell like vomit. My face scrunched up in disgust and James gave me another laugh.

“Coke and rum goes down easy but not so much coming up.” He joked. I offered him a weak smile because between my head and the intense smell of my bodily fluids I had upchucked the night before, that was all I could conjure at this time.

James left me to get ready as he started in on making breakfast. I was practically crawling to the bathroom, and when I finally took a look in the mirror, I was horrified.

I looked like actual death… which wasn’t really far off from how I usually looked besides the fact that my skin was a concerning pale, and my hair definitely still had vomit in it.

I couldn’t believe James had seen me like this.

Well he did also see you throw up your insides, I thought to myself.

Why did I care so much anyways?

Another sigh escaped my lips before I stepped into the hot running water. Who knew a shower could feel this good?

James’s POV

I got started in on eggs and bacon as the shower kept going.

There was this goofy grin I couldn’t shake when I thought about how adorably embarrassed Killian was this morning. I couldn’t help but wonder just how much of the night did he actually remember?

Did he remember singing to me?

Did he remember almost kissing me?

Now I knew he at least remembered throwing up. I had to admit the smell was intense, but completely worth it as I went to check up on him last night. He looked so at peace curled up in bed, sleeping like he hadn’t slept this good in years.

I stayed like that for a little while before heading back out to the couch when I was sure he was okay.

I couldn’t stop thinking abut how close his lips were to touching mine last night.

Was that what he wanted?

Was that what I wanted?

When I thought about my lips kissing his swollen soft ones, I could feel my heart beat quickening.

Ok, clearly this was something I wanted.

But how?

I mean I was pretty sure I never experimented with guys before. Girls had always done it for me… but last night, I couldn’t give a rats ass about any girl that approached me. I was too busy watching Killian. The way he sung to me at the karaoke bar-

“Why are all your shirts so damn big.” I heard someone grumble from the hallway.

Killian was all washed up now, and it looked like he had even taken the time to try and detangle some curls. My eyes raked over his body from head to toe. I almost couldn’t believe how good he looked in my clothing. I had set out a shirt and some joggers for him to wear. Nothing fit, but everything looked absolutely perfect to me.

Killian stared at me plainly before pointing to the stove.

I almost burnt the damn eggs with all this thinking I was doing.

“Could you grab me two plates please?” I asked him. He nodded, bringing over the plates I had set out and holding them steady as I piled on the food from the pans.

We ate in silence for the most part as drunk Killian faded into something of the past. At a point in time, Killian laid his head down on the table and grumbled “I’m never drinking again.” A lie we all told ourselves.

What was funny was that, with Killian, I whole heartedly believed that.

XV.

Killian’s POV

“I can’t believe you did that!” Rosie shot out, tumbling backwards and off my bed.

“First of all, it was your fault for leaving me all alone at the bar.” I reminded her. She averted her gaze shyly.

“I’m sorry, Killian. I went to grab you before close but the bartender said some handsome blonde came for you! Soiassumedsarahsentjamesandyouwereok!” She rushed out that last part. I gave her a shrug.

“Are you back with that douchebag?” I asked. She gave me a firm no.

“I left for a literal second to freshen up and this asshole was already flirting with another girl who, should I just say, had totally fake tits. Anyways, we got into an all out argument by the bathrooms and I threw my drink in his face and stormed back to the bar to find you but the bartender said you left so I ended up waiting for the bartender to get off his shift so I could fuck him instead.” Rosie finished. I raised my eyebrows at her.

“Well that was quite… adventurous.” I finally spoke.

“I don’t think I’ve once ever heard you use the word adventurous. This is usually when you tell me to use protection or get tested or something insensitive. What’s happening to my inconsiderate asshole of a friend?” She cried out.

I gave her an eye roll.

“And a legitimate eye roll? Oh my god who has hijacked you Killian?”

“First of all, you should definitely still get tested after any unprotected sex. Birth control doesn’t save you from sexually transmitted diseases-”

“Never mind, there’s the Killian I know.” Rosie sighed. “I thought throwing up outside of James apartment then ending up in his bed the next morning had to of changed you.”

“Well there was one other thing that happened last night.” I sort of mumbled. Rosie’s eyes all but popped out of her socket.

“There’s more?!”

I gave her a nod. “I think I kinda sorta almost kissed James.”

Rosie accidentally fell off my bed again.

“You did what ? Ohmygodohmygodohmygod did he almost kiss you back?! I need details Killian, details!”

“I-I’m not sure. He leant in a little bit that was when I pulled away to puke into the bushes.” I explained Rosie visibly face palmed.

“You were so close! Yet so far away…” she whispered to herself.

I think I broke Rosie.

“Well, did you want to kiss him?” She asked finally. I bit my lip, thinking. In that moment, I did.

“I think I wanted to try it.” I replied.

“I mean I don’t mind giving you your first kiss now.” Rosie said, drawing nearer.

“Oh hell no. I don’t know where your lips have been, nor do I want to know.” I shot her down quickly. She gave me a chuckle.

I was pulled out from my thoughts by the sound of my phone vibrating.

How’s the head? I glanced up at the contact and almost dropped my phone to see James Conway as the sender.

I stared at my phone for what felt like ages before responding. It’s okay. Thank you for last night.

“Who’s that?” Rosie asked, looking up from her phone.

“Just Sarah wondering how my heads doing.” I replied. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t just tell her it was James. Maybe I had enough of Rosie’s prying for today. I wouldn’t even of been able to explain how I was texting him right now because I definitely didn’t remember him adding his contact to my phone.

Happy to help. Don’t do too much today. Just rest up. Oh great. Now I had two over protective detectives who thought of me as nothing more than a kid. I let out a slightly aggravated sigh before ignoring his last message.

“Alright I have decided!” Rosie shot up from her phone again. “Operation Get Killian And James To Kiss is now a go!”

I looked up at her horrified.

“No. Nonononono. Not a go. I swear to god Rosie, don’t you dare intervene.” All she did was give me a mischievous grin.

The rest of the weekend went by alright. I received a phone call later in the day Tuesday, as I was flipping through some of the Petri dishes I had brought with me from Princeton.

“Mr. O’Hara?” Someone asked into the line.

“This is him.” I replied.

“This is the secretary of Dean Willcaster. I’m transferring you through now.” Before I could protest, another man was already on the line.

“Killian.” He spoke. His voice was as annoying as always.

“Hey Wilfred.” I replied. I could already see the aggravated pulsation of that one vein that ran down the side of his temple. He hated when I called him Wilfred.

“Have you had enough time to think about what you’ve done?” He asked me seriously.

“I busted Chad’s nose because he made my friend cry, what’s there to think about?” I asked honestly because in the last few weeks I’d been here for, it hadn’t crossed my mind until I saw him last night.

His face looked so fucked up, he’d probably have to get another nose job to fix what I did to his last one.

“We’re serious Killian, the longer you stay in New York for, the longer you’ll be missing out on studies.” Wilfred spoke over the phone in that ridiculously serious voice he had.

“No, the longer I’m on a break, the longer you’ll have to wait before bragging about how the Killian O’Hara was attending you doctorate program. Wouldn’t it really just ruffle your feathers if I didn’t even complete the doctorate program at all? Ruin whatever hopes and dreams you had of having the youngest cell development major graduate from Princeton.” I shot back. My words were filled with  malicious intent.

“Well let’s not get haste-” Wilfred started, but I had already hung up the phone.

James’s POV

“Another dead end?” I sighed. Sarah gave me a nod.

“I’m thinking we go pay a visit to the china shop guy. Something tells me this has to be connected… I’m sorry, am I boring you?” Sarah asked finally.

I had picked up my phone for the nine billionth time that night.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m just expecting an important text.” I explained. She gave me a puzzled look but dropped it.

It was only moments later when my phone buzzed. I reached for it immediately. Text 6902: Thank you for visiting sprint! Please let us now how your visit went with a quick survey-“

I internally sighed, setting the phone back down.

Why hadn’t Killian texted back yet?

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XVI.

James’s POV

“It doesn’t look open.” I noted. I tried grabbing a few fries from Sarah’s drive through bag.

“Well yes James, it’s 1 am. What china shop would be open at 1 am?” Sarah replied, slapping my hands away from her food as she zoomed her binoculars in on the entryway of the shop.

We had been sitting here for the past 3 hours.

The owner of the China shop has switched the open sign off, but we still saw movement inside the store.

“What are we waiting for again?” I asked her.

“For something shady to happen.” Sarah replied simply. I couldn’t help but give her a chuckle.

I was missing a new episode of How To Get Away With Murder for this. If someone didn’t walk through this China shop with a visible gun or something, NYPD was about to see this two week notice.

The rest of the street was completely dead by this time now. I couldn’t help but think Sarah’s red Prius stuck out like a sore thumb in this vacant lot across the street. She insisted we take her car though, and I thought fuck it. Not my mileage, you know?

My phone vibrated again in my pocket and I didn’t skip a beat with checking the text.

It was from Killian. Be safe tonight. I’ll drop by later to bring you your jacket.

A large smiles crept across my face. Will do. I replied. Rest up and I’ll let you know when I make it home tonight. I was pulled out from my thoughts by Sarah’s sudden outburst.

“There!” She shot out, pointing to two men that were walking down the street. They were both in some high end suits, and as the wind blew one of the men’s blazers back, the handle of a gun came into view. They made their way into the China shop.

Well, God, you really came through tonight didn’t you… I thought to myself. Only 3 fucking hours later but whatever.

Sarah and I got out of her vehicle immediately. We started slowly advancing towards the China shop, but froze dead in our tracks as we heard a very distinct sound.

The sound of a gun going off.

Sarah bolted into action as she drew her weapon and ran towards the store. I followed in suit as two more shots were fired off.

“This is officer Conway requesting back up at 98th and Horton.” I called into my dispatch radio. Sarah took her position at one side of the China shop door, and I went to the other end. She started the countdown with her fingers…

3…

2…

1…

I busted through the door first, gun raised. “This is the police! Guns down and hands in the air now!” I called out. There was a man who had his gun pointed at an older man. I almost instantly recognized the older man as the China store owner. He had a shot gun pointed at the man with the 9 millimeter. There was another body laying lifelessly on the floor. It looked like an elderly woman.

“You called the fucking cops, old man?” The guy with the 9 mil spat out as his weapon never faltered.

“I don’t know why the fuck they’re here, but they’re not with me.” The old man replied.

“We said drop your fucking weapons!” Sarah shouted at both men. Suddenly there was another gunshot from somewhere else in the room. I felt a sharp pain from my left shoulder as both Sarah and I dropped to take cover.

“Fuck.” I hissed. Sarah looked over at me alarmed.

“You hit, Conway?” She asked.

“Just a scratch.” I shot back. It felt like more than just a fucking scratch.

Sarah peeled her head up and shot a round of bullets in the direction of the second guy who shot at us. We heard him cry out in pain but as I peeked around the front counter, I didn’t see the third guy anywhere in sight.

I gave Sarah a signal, telling her I was going to go out and around the back. He had probably slipped out through the back door trying to get away. She gave me a nod. Before reloading her weapon.

I crouched down low and went back out onto the front street. I could hear some fumbling around the building on the left side. Staying as close to the wall as I could, I peeked around the corner. The guy that had shot at us, was now making his way around the back and out into alley.

“Freeze!” I shouted, but as soon as he heard me, he took off running. He didn’t get far though, from the gunshot wound Sarah had inflicted on his right leg. As I closed in, he turned around and started shooting. I quickly took cover behind the large back alley dumpster.

“I said freeze!” I shouted, but another bullet ricocheted off the dumpster. I sat up and shot aimlessly into the dark.

I heard another muffled groan and everything went quiet.

Proceeding into the dark alley sounded like a bad idea, but I needed to make absolutely sure I had got him.

I heard sirens blaring in the distance. The cops were almost here.

I made it down to the back door, but something knocked the wind out of me as I fell to the floor. The motherfucker had hit me square in the chest with a wooden pallet.

It didn’t take long before I was back on my feet. From the scarce lights in the back alley, I could just make out the figure as he stood, bleeding a few feet from me. He had knocked my gun out of my right hand and it had slid under the dumpster.

Fucking great , I thought to myself. The motherfucker was the same height as me but he definitely won in the weight department.

I took an offensive stance as we circled each other.

He was the first to move. He charged forward and ran into me, slamming my body against the garbage bin. My hands reached up and both my elbows came down hard on the area where his neck meshed into his collarbone. I heard something crack as he cried out and let go in pain.

I didn’t wait for him to recover, as my right fist connected with the side of his face. He stumbled back again, trying to gather his bearings. I gave him a powerful kick straight into his stomach and that finally brought him down.

I got on top of him, and with one more swift right hook, I knocked him unconscious.

Police cars pulled up on both ends of the alleyway moments later.

XVII.

Killian’s POV

Was is this street? I thought to myself. Or maybe this one? I glanced up at a street sign that read Fremont.

I was officially lost.

I slowed down as closed my eyes, thinking back to where James had lead me last week. Why’d I have to get so drunk , I sighed.

There was a 7/11 coming up on my right, and I recognized it as the one we had passed by that night. “Oh thank god.” I whispered quietly to myself. The air was getting colder around me now. I should’ve worn something warmer, and James’s jacket was too hard to get on over my Nike pullover.

James’s apartment should be coming up on the right any moment now , I recalled. And just like clockwork, I noticed the steps going up to his place. My body grew warm in embarrassment as I passed by the bushes I had thrown up in. It looked like someone had taken care of it, thank god. I still couldn’t believe I had exceeded my limits so heavily that night.

There was a series of numbers on this panel by the locked inner door. I pressed the buzzer for number 16 which read James Conway right besides it.

Nothing happened the first few minutes, so I hit the buzzer again.

After another minute, the second inner door was unlocked for me. I had forgot to text James to let him know I was on my way, but Sarah had told me he had headed home after an eventful night.

She didn’t tell me what eventful entailed, but she sounded alright over the phone. I walked down the long corridor until I made it to his apartment door. Before I could knock, it was swung open…

And I stood there completely frozen.

James’s right arm was held against him as blood started to soak through his white shirt. His other arm and face were entirely bruised up. It looked like he had had a run in with a semi.

My arms trembled slightly at my side as suppressed memories came back in waves.

“Hey.” He smiled, wincing as another shallow cut opened up on his cheek.

I couldn’t find the words to say, so instead, I pushed past him and set his jacket on the kitchen table.

I could feel my lip draw blood from how hard I had bitten it in though. “Take a seat.” I finally spoke after some time.

“What?” He asked me. I just motioned for him to sit as I started rummaging through his kitchen drawers and cabinets until I found a bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey and a first aid kit.

I placed the bottle on the kitchen counter in front of him with a shot glass.

He still looked confused, but he gratefully downed the shot I poured. “What the fuck happened to you.” I asked him, now opening up alcohol packages and gauge strips.

“Work.” He replied simply.

I grabbed his hands and placed them on my thighs as I opened up the first alcohol swap to clean his bloody knuckles. His hands were large and warm. I could feel the heat through the joggers I was wearing.

He winced at the sharp pain, but never pulled his eyes away from mine as I continued to dab at the soft tissue. “You really don’t have to-” he started, but I cut him off by pushing another poured shot his way.

He smiled weakly to me before letting the strong liquor ease his pain.

I worked in silence, unable to forgot how used to this I was. Bandaging wounds up, that was. I had had James carefully removing his shirt so that I could tend to the wound on his shoulder. It looked like a bullet had grazed the area. “Fuck.” I whispered quietly to myself.

I wasn’t sure if it was from the injury, or from the wandering my eyes did as I noticed the bruises… then the perfectly sculpted body James had. I heard James clear his throat, and I looked away embarrassed.

I had definitely been staring.

“Where did you learn to do all this?” He asked finally as I moved my chair closer to better wrap his shoulder wound.

“My father- my biological father. He participated in underground fighting.” I explained. My hands had started to shake slightly as all the repressed memories came flooding back.

My father stumbling home from the ring a bloody mess.

“My mother worked 3 jobs, and was never really home. While my father had a construction job by day, he made extra cash at night by fighting. It was how he was planning on putting me through college.” I explained. It was silly wasn’t it.

My father had my future in mind when I was only 6 years old. He was always telling me I was special. That I was going to get the best education, even if it broke him.

I could feel that dull pain tug at me as I remembered my father.

It wasn’t something I did. It wasn’t something I could handle. He was a part of me I buried so deep inside of me, I had lost the location to those memories.

James’s eyes were soft now, but I didn’t dare look up at them. I wouldn’t be able to continue if I did.

“It was like clockwork really. He’d come home, and I’d patch him up for work the next day. He was already at his prime age when my mother gave birth to me, but when he started participating in fights, his body wasn’t where it was years before.” My hands were trembling terribly now. I could barely hold the bandages steady.

James reached out and slowly wrapped his fingers around mine, before bringing them down to his lap. I hadn’t even noticed my whole body was shaking now.

“You don’t have to continue.” He whispered quietly.

But I wanted to.

I needed to.

It had been so long since I’d told anyone about my father. It had been so long since I had even thought of him.

“It’s not really something Sarah would tell you, anyways.” I chuckled a little harshly. It sounded strained from the lump I had in my throat.

“It was September 23rd. The pool was in for the largest amount anyone had seen that year. My father was told to hold out until the last round, then purposefully take a hit that would knock him down for the rest of the game. They needed him to lose and lose hard, so they could collect on the bets that had been placed against him.

“He was going up against another fighter known as The Giant. My father held out best he could, but when that final blow was delivered, he never got back up from it…. They say he died of a brain aneurysm.” I whispered that last part.

A fucking brain aneurysm , I thought to myself. I could feel myself starting to lose it.

I was taken back by James’s hand is it left mine to lightly cup the side of my face.

I flinched from his touch, but didn’t shy away.

“I don’t think there’s word to explain how I feel in this moment right now.” He whispered. As my eyes met his, I wasn’t even sure how to respond.

For the first time, I saw eyes that didn’t pity me.

They didn’t judge me.

They didn’t look at me as if I was something so damaged beyond belief.

All I felt was warmth when I looked back at him.

Warmth I didn’t think I could ever experience after my parents left me.

Warmth I didn’t think I would ever see again after the accident.

Warmth I didn’t think I’d ever come to know after leaving that foster home.

And I wasn’t sure what it was about those damn eyes, but in this moment, I had never felt more safe.

He looked at me as if there was still something worth saving…. and so I did the only sensible thing I could think of.

I closed the distance between us.

XVIII.

As my lips touched his, I felt myself getting visibly light headed. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing, but all I knew was that his lips against mine like this felt nice.

Really fucking nice.

His hands slipped past my cheeks to the back of my neck as he pulled me further into him, deepening the kiss.

I couldn’t figure out how breathing worked anymore.

All I knew was that my oxygen was deteriorating for a very good cause.

My hole body felt the most alive it had ever felt before. Every part he touched caused my heart to beat with even more intensity. A soft almost muffled moan left me as his tongue slipped out to trace my bottom lip. It stung a bit from how hard I had bitten into it earlier, but I couldn’t deny the strong feeling of arousal the pain brought with it.

I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck, careful not to touch any part that was badly bruised. His tongue gently prodded my lips before slipping through into my mouth.

I let out another muffled moan and this time, I felt James groan against me. He stood up abruptly from the chair, breaking the kiss. I was so dazed, I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet until I processed the fact that we were no longer kissing.

I frowned with worry.

Had I done something wrong?

“I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t of-” I started, but he cut me off again with another chastened kiss. This time, it was very gently as he placed soft kisses first on my lips, then on my cheeks nearing my ear.

“Don’t apologize.” He whispered huskily against my earlobe. His voice was so raw and primal, I felt myself getting even more aroused. I hadn’t experienced something this intense ever. As his tongue went out to gently nibble on the lobe, I shuddered against him.

“J-James.” I whispered/moaned out when his other hand found its way around my waist, drawing me closer.

He pulled away again moments later.

“I’m starting to lose a little control.” He spoke finally. It looked like it had taken every shred of willpower he had in him to put some distance between us. I unconsciously brought my lip up in between my teeth. He followed my every movement with his eyes intensely, before he finally fluttered his eyelids closed.

“T-That was… just… uhm-” I stuttered, sounding like a freaking babbling idiot. I don’t think I had ever stuttered a single moment in my entire existence, but here I was, standing before James completely brain dead.

A large smile broke across his lips.

His lips.

His perfectly sculpted lips I kind of really wanted to kiss again.

I think I now saw the hype of kissing.

“I think it’s time we got you to bed.” He spoke finally. I frowned but he just leant down and placed another soft kiss on my lips. Fuck it felt so good.

“In my defense, I don’t know where the fuck I am or how I even made it here.” I countered. He chuckled, moving towards the door to grab his coat and keys. I expected him to slip the coat on but instead, he carefully pulled a sweater over instead.

Apparently the coat was for me. “I think I’ve proven to be terribly at borrowing your coats.” I reminded him.

“Keep this one.” He replied. “I like the way my clothes look on you.”

I had to glance away to keep him from seeing how heated my face was.

James’s POV

I kept stealing glances of Killian in the passenger seat of my SUV as I drove him back to Sarah’s apartment. Oh how I had wanted him to spend the night…

I had really wanted him to spend the fucking night…

But I knew that I didn’t want to rush him, or make him feel uncomfortable in any way. The look of sadness on his face when I told him it was time to get him home, made my heart swell. I was incredibly happy he didn’t want to leave either.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he looked at me just before he kissed me.

I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me like that before… with pure want.

When our lips finally did touch, I tasted the irony taste of blood from how hard he had bit into his lip. I tried to be gentle, but every sensation he caused was bringing me closer and closer to the edge. I needed to get him home.

I really needed to get him home.

One hand left the steering wheel and landed comfortably on a thigh of Killian’s. I could see Killian visibly tense, but when I moved to remove it, his hand gently laid on top of mine.

I told myself to look ahead regardless of what happens because I couldn’t afford a distraction like Killian while driving.

He gently traced the edge of the bandages that he had wrapped around my knuckles, and of course, I couldn’t focus on anything but that. How the hell did he have such an intense affect on me?

I let go of a shaky breath as I finally pulled up to the front of Sarah’s apartment building. It was awfully dark on this area of the street, and me being the gentleman I was, I decided to walk Killian to the front entrance.

“Thank you for stoppi-” I started, but he cut me off by standing up on his tippy toes and placing a soft kiss on my lips. My hands wrapped around his smaller frame securely as I smiled down at him, loving how good and warm he felt against me in my jacket.

His fingers tangled themselves in my hair, pulling me further down to him. I let out a groan from how good it felt, and sort of backed him up into the door.

His breathing was sporadic now. He finally had to pull away from lack of oxygen, but when he did, I couldn’t stop staring at how flushed and gentle he looked.

My thumb reached out to trace his swollen red lips.

“Goodnight Killian.” I whispered to him before placing a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Goodnight.” He whispered back as I slowly descended back down the stairs towards my parked yet running car.

XIX.

Killian’s POV

I laid awake staring at the ceiling for what felt like ages.

Sleep didn’t find me at all tonight and it was already starting to lighten up outside. I heard my phone vibrate on my nightstand. It was an incoming text from James.

I almost fell off my damn bed trying to read it. Did you sleep well? He asked.

I replied moments later. I’ve been up all night. I could practically hear him chuckling on the other end.

That makes two of us. After the night Sarah and I had, I decided to take the day off. Would you like to do something together? I bit my lip, trying to figure out whether I had made any plans today. Nothing came to mind.

How about the science museum? I texted back a few moments later.

It didn’t take long before I received another reply. Sounds good. I’ll pick you up around noon. Try and sleep a little.

I sent him a smiley emoji before setting my phone back on the night stand. I ended up getting about an hour of sleep before I called it quits.

“Hair up, Killian, I’m telling ya!” Rosie called from somewhere in my bedroom as she was no doubt ripping my closet to shreds.

“I don’t want to wear my hair back!” I replied, but ended up grabbing a hair tie from her makeup bag anyways.

After repeatedly telling Rosie this wasn’t a date,

She was treating it like it was definitely a date.

I now had about 15 minutes before James would be here and I was still in the joggers from last night. “Here!” Rosie exclaimed finally, pulling out the Nike tracksuit Sarah had bought for me. The bottom was some nice black and white design, while the top complimented the bottom with the same design.

There was an inner lining that helped with warmth, along with the zip up neckline and attached hoodie Incase it rained.

At this point, I didn’t have time to get picky as I started throwing the clothes on.

James’s POV

I checked my hair in the rear view mirror for the thousandth time. Did it look alright?

James, I thought to myself, get a fucking grip.

I could see Sarah’s apartment nearing the end of the street. I couldn’t help feeling nervous as I pulled my car up front.

My phone vibrated. It was a text from Killian. Just let me know when you’re here.

I replied back. I’m outside whenever you’re ready.

He must have been waiting in the lobby because it wasn’t even a full minute later, when I saw Killian walk out through the front door. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from him.

Just when I thought he couldn’t ever look any better, his man bun proved me so fucking wrong. He was in a full track suit that looked fantastic on his slim build. We made eye contact as he opened up the car door and slid in.

I leaned in instantly, closing the distance between us with a kiss. I must have caught him off guard because it took a few seconds before he reacted to the kiss. I pulled away seconds later.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He smiled up at me. It made my stomach flip.

“Science museum?” I asked.

“Science museum.” He confirmed.

And we were off.

I couldn’t help but notice the dramatic farewell Rosie was giving us from the entrance doors of the apartment.

“Can we do the planetarium showing?” Killian asked. I stared at him for the nine billionth time today because 1.) He had a permanent smile plastered on his face as he dragged me through all the many different types of exhibitions.

2.) He looked fucking incredibly and I was torn between seeing him geek out about nerdy shit or just taking him home so I could have him all to myself.

“Yeah for sure.” I nodded.

“I promise this will be the last thing.” He replied. I gave him a chuckle before sneaking a quick kiss on the side of his temple.

“I don’t mind one bit.” Was all I said.

As we neared the room to take seats, Killian began explaining to me why he knew this place like the back of his hand. His father used to bring him here when he was first adopted. He pointed out all the things that had changed over the years, and the things that remained the same.

I loved hearing him talk about his childhood, but there was still a darker part he hadn’t told me about.

Who gave him those burn marks?

Was it his real father? I couldn’t believe that to be true. The way he spoke of him… the only resentment he had towards his father was the fact that he left Killian to experience this monstrous world alone.

It still also pegged the question of what happened to his mother then. And what happened to the O’Hara’s.

But those questions were for a different day , I decided, as I followed him into the dark auditorium.

I sat there with my hand in Killian’s as we listened to the narrator describe the different constellations and their locations in the sky. Killian was so engrossed and fascinated, I couldn’t help but look at him instead of the stars.

And it was at this moment I realized, I could get used to this.

Used to this feeling of him being here with me.

Used to how well his hand fit in mine.

I knew I’d soon have to face a few things that were inevitable… like the fact that he was only visiting, and he had a whole other life at a university.

The fact that I had never once had any type of gay relationship before.

The fact that he had never once had any kind of relationship.

And the fact that he had skeletons in his closet that kept him awake at night. Skeletons that tormented him from a childhood I couldn’t even begin to piece together.

But all that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was that Killian was grinning like a fool as the narrator showed us the location of the Big Dipper in the sky.

The rest was semantics.

XX.

Killian’s POV

The next couple weeks went by with something of a blur.

My connection with James grew stronger, but he had insisted we take things slow.

Painstakingly slow.

I knew he wanted to respect the fact that this was my first anything really, but I couldn’t help the attraction I felt towards him every time I saw him.

“What’s sex like?” I had asked Rosie one day as we were both laying lazily on my bed. She sprung up almost instantly at those words.

“Well wouldn’t you like to know.” She raised her eyebrows suggestively. “Were you thinking of Marvin Gayeing and getting it on with Mr. Handsome?”

I glanced away, thinking of how to answer that.

“I-I’m just wondering.” I replied. I was incredibly embarrassed now. These were not conversations I was used to.

“Well I mean it’s pretty fucking amazing but I’m not sure about sex for guys… but I mean guys wouldn’t do it if it didn’t feel good right? Let me message one of my gay friends and ask him what he likes-”

“No no!” I cut in instantly. There was no need for her to pry that deep on my behalf.

She gave me a large smile, but it faltered slightly.

I could already tell why the mood was shifting as realization dawned on her.

“The date is coming up, you know.” She spoke finally. I suddenly became interested in the loose thread of my sweater.

I had pushed that memory so far into the back of my head, I thought I could’ve almost forgot it.

Almost.

“Will you go see her?” Rosie asked quietly. She knew she was trespassing on private grounds now.

“I’m not sure.” I replied honestly. My mind wandered back to the conversation I had with Sarah a few nights ago…

I had heard a faint knock on my door, pulling me from my cell biology textbook I was now reading for the second time. It seemed to be the only thing that helped the nights pass quickly.

“Come in.” I called out. Sarah pushed the door open a few minutes later with a cup of her signature sleepy time tea. “Thank you.” I spoke gingerly, as I set the cup down besides the night stand.

“Nightmares?” She asked. I gave her a nod.

I never wanted to trouble her anymore with these things, but that was just how Sarah was. She’d known me too well by now to know when something was up.

“Hopefully the tea helps.” She replied. A few minutes passed.

I could tell there was something on her mind almost instantly. She looked conflicted.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with James.” She continued. “I’m glad. I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy in a very very long time. Just- Just don’t forget I’m here for you if you ever need to talk, okay?” She asked me. I gave her a nod.

“What else is on your mind?” I asked finally. Something else had been bothering her.

“The anniversary… it’s coming up.” She whispered quietly.

I felt my stomach clench.

I had tried to hard to forgot over the years, but even after death, my mother remained unforgettable.

“Will you please go?” She asked.

I shifted up in bed, setting the textbook aside.

“She’s gone, Sarah. Why should I dwell on that any longer?”

“Because you never dwelled on it in the first place, Killian. You buried that so deep inside, the only time she was ever brought up was on her anniversary.” Sarah argued.

I gnawed the fucking hell out of my lip.

I could see Sarah was close to tears now.

This was the first time since the O’Hara’s were alive, where I’d been in New York around the time of the anniversary. Every year since then, I made sure to stay away.

A tear finally broke the sealed surface of her eye lids as it slid down the side of her cheek. My heart felt heavy.

“Okay.” I whispered finally. “Okay, I’ll go.”

“It’s the first year you’re actually in the city for it. I think you owe it to you to give yourself some kind of closure.” Rosie spoke, breaking my thoughts.

“I promised Sarah I would go.” I replied. Rosie gave me a nod of approval.

And we carried on a new conversation just like that. Rosie knew when to stop prying, and I couldn’t be more grateful about that.

My mother wasn’t something I wanted to think about right now.

James finally managed to get another day off and I knew that I had to be up early to get ready for the memorial, but I couldn’t help feeling happy I got to see him before it.

He was just getting a movie set up in his living room when I arrived. I think it was some new alien one that he was super excited about. I, on the other hand, didn’t really give a shit about it but whatever made him happy made me happy.

It was still all so crazy…

…I was happy .

Who knew that could ever happen again.

“Come here.” He patted a spot on the couch, and I slipped my shoes off before curling up besides him.

His hand stroked patterns into my arm as he held me tight against him.

He usually rambled during movies but today he was uncomfortably silent. It felt… wrong.

“What’s the matter?” I asked finally, sitting up. He looked down at me with a weary smile.

“Sarah told me tomorrow’s a big day for you…” he started. “I just wanted to see where your heads at with it all.”

“I don’t know where yours is, but mines right here.” I replied coolly. Before he could react to my sharper tone, I sat up and position my legs on both sides of his waist, straddling him on his couch. I could visibly see his breath hitch.

“Killian…” he whispered, but I was too busy placing butterfly kisses on the side of his neck. He smelt like old spice and chamomile, something that had now intoxicated my senses. At this very moment, I wanted to be as near to him as possible.

He finally gave in, wrapping his hands around my waist. I started sucking a little harder, nibbling on his neck.

His hands tightened against my waist as he let out a strangled moan.

“Killian I’m serious, I’m los-losing resolve here.” He panted.

But tonight, I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Tonight I wanted him.

“Lose it.” I whispered against his ear. I felt him shudder. “Don’t hold back anymore.”

He pulled me back gently, searching my eyes for any unsureness that I was positive he wouldn’t find. He set his lips on mine again, but this was different. This kiss coaxed a moan from my lips as all his lust began to unravel around  me.

Before I knew it, I was being picked up and transported to his bedroom.

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XXI.

Waning: Explicit Content

My hands slipped deeper as they tangled themselves in James’s hair. He gently placed me down onto his bed, finally breaking the kiss.

There wasn’t much light in James’s room, and as much as I wanted to look around and take everything in, I was too distracted by James taking his shirt off.

The bruises had now faded mostly from his injuries, but the one on his chest was a deep purple in color.

He didn’t waist any time as he crawled onto the bed on top of me. A hand reached out to gently caress my cheek. “I need you to tell me if you feel uncomfortable at any time, okay?” He breathed into my ear. I gave him the best nod I could muster but my body was now burning with need.

He trailed kisses from my jawline down to my neck, before turning those kisses into love bites. I was unraveling under him in moans. I couldn’t hold back any longer at how good this felt. His other hand worked on slipping off my zipped up hoodie.

My body sort of went rigid when his eyes landed on the scars. I had completely forgotten they had even existed up until this point. “I-” I started, but he silenced me with a kiss.

“You are the most beautiful human being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. These scars don’t, and will never change that.” He spoke against my swollen lips.

I couldn’t say anything.

This was the first time anyone had ever called me that. Beautiful .

Every time I looked into the mirror, I sure as hell didn’t feel that way.

He smiled down at me, tracing the edge of my jaw lightly, before continuing his advance lower. As he reached the hem of my sweatpants, my breathing was now labored.

How could something like this, feel so undeniably amazing? Was that even possible?

It didn’t take long before he managed to discard my pants and briefs.

I was now laid out I front of him fully bare. The most exposed I had probably ever been with anyone.

“Fuck.” He whispered, raking his eyes over my body. It came out as more of a growl which sent another fit of shivers down to my toes. I reached out to touch him, but both his hands pinned my arms up high above my head. “Don’t move these.” He said sternly. I gave him another nod.

I could already feel my dick growing harder if that was even possible. As his hand wrapped around my shaft, my head dipped back in pure pleasure.

“Shit, James…” I murmured in between pants. He picked up his pace, stroking me harder. There was liquid leaking now, and I didn’t know if that was supposed to happen or not, but I didn’t dare move in fear that he would stop. I didn’t want him to stop. It felt far too good.

Something started to build up inside me. I felt as if my entire nether region was about to explode. “J-James I think I’m gunna-” I whispered. He was laying kissed all over my chest and stomach while he stroked me.

My hips began to unintentionally buck from the intensity, and I felt liquid warm squirt out onto my stomach. My vision grew hazy as I came. Both my hands were at each side of me, gripping the sheets with my eyes shut tight.

I don’t think I had ever experienced something so fiercely gratifying.

I hadn’t even noticed my whole body was shaking from pure ecstasy.

When I did finally open my eyes, James was looking down at me in absolute and unmitigated lust. He leant down, pulling me in for a fiery kiss that left me hard and breathless all over again.

“Open.” He whispered, as a finger traced my bottom lips. I let it slide into my mouth, never breaking eye contact with him. One hand went out to grip his bed sheet while he watched me suck his finger like my life depended on it. “Spread your legs.” He whispered gently yet firmly into my ear, and I did as I was told. I felt a loss when he pulled his finger out from my mouth, but a whole new experience took over as the same finger started to prod an entirely different hole.

My hips bucked up again from the contact when he slowly slid his finger in. It felt very very different than what I was expecting.

Another finger soon joined in as he worked on loosening me up. There wasn’t as much discomfort as I thought their would be, and when he pulled his fingers out of me, I whimpered from the loss.

James had left me so befuddled, I didn’t even notice when he leaned over to grab something from his dresser. Once the cool lubricant touched my sensitive hole, my whole body let out another round of shivers.

James slowly started the strenuous process of easing himself into me. I winced slightly from the pain of taking all of him in, but his hand had begun to slowly stroke my cock again and all the incommodious feelings I had once felt, flew out the fucking window.

One hand was wrapped around my left leg, stroking me, while the other was wrapped around my right leg and placed firmly on my stomach. “Just say the word and I’ll start moving.” He spoke out through gritted teeth. I had only now realized that he was using whatever self control he had left to stay like that inside me.

“Y-you can move.” I nodded finally. He slowly pulled himself out, letting out a sharp breath, before pushing himself back in. I was now growing used to how full I felt with him inside me.

It didn’t take long before we fell into a blissful rhythm. As one of his stroked went deep, I felt him prod against something that shot jolts of pleasure up through my stomach to the tip of my cock. “Fuck!” I called out, arching my back from its profound feeling of delectation.

James pulled out, and thrust back into me, hitting that same spot that was now making me see stars. My body rerouted into another orgasm as I came again. His thrusts had become far more ravishing. He started to lose the control he had been working so hard to maintain.

His body collapsed into mine, still pounding into me as his breathing became labored against my neck. “I don’t think I can hold out much longer, Kil.” He whispered to me.

I wasn’t sure how to form coherent words, but through my disarranged sentences, the word “come” slipped past my lips.

That was all James needed. His body tensed up immediately. “ Killian .“ He growled out against my body.

He completely engulfed me in his arms, holding my now shaking body as his warm liquid filled me.

XXII.

James’s POV

We laid like that for hours.

His head rested against my arm as I held him close to me. He was deep in slumber by now, but I stayed awake to watch him sleep.

How could someone be so unimaginably perfect?

Every time my mind wandered back to what we had just done, I couldn’t help but get aroused. I wanted to do that with Killian every night for the rest of my entire existence.

I couldn’t even remember when he had drifted off to sleep, but I could tell I had worn him out completely. I’d never seen him so tired. He barely had any energy left to clean himself up so I happily took care of that for him.

I had decided that I would clean him properly in the morning before his memorial service.

He stirred slightly in my arms now, mumbling something I couldn’t understand. There was sweat dripping down the sides of his face and I sat up slightly in worry.

“No… no…” he murmured softly against me.

His eyes shot open moments later. They were completely filled with fear. “Killian.” I whispered gently, and as if just those words had brought him back to me, his eyes slowly drifted closed again.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured into my chest. I gently ran my hands through his hair, placing soft kisses on his forehead. I thought he had drifted back to sleep, but his voice called out to me moments later. “James?” He whispered.

“Yes, Kil?” I asked.

“Will you come with me to the memorial tomorrow?“he mumbled. A small smile rugged at my lips.

“Of course. Now go back to sleep, baby. We’ll talk about this in the morning.” I whispered back. He cuddled himself further into me.

Sleep found us both shortly after.

We both woke up late as fuck.

“Shit!” Killian hissed, as his eyes focused in on the time his phone read. He had moved to sit up, but during the night, we sort of rolled over to the edge of the bed.

So when he tried rolling out of my arms, he really just fell off the bed.

“Ow.” He groaned. That woke me up instantly.

“You okay?” I asked him, trying to wipe the sleep from my eyes. He pointed to his phone which now read 10:46am. It was accompanied by 16 missed calls from Sarah.

“Shit!” I followed in suit as both Killian sprung into action. I couldn’t help but smile as he had some trouble with moving around due to our extracurricular activities the night before.

“We are gathered here in loving memory of Louise Korsakov. The people she touched, and the torches she lit ablaze with her unconfined personality, will forever touch and cherish those she held dear to her. We are grateful to be joined today by not only her AA group, but her very own son. We’ve come here to honor and treasure the life she had, and keep in remembrance how she lived, not how she died.

“Killian, if you would step forward?” The man who was speaking, who I guess was also Killian’s mother’s sponsor, called out.

I gave Killian’s clammy hand a reassuring squeeze as he fumbled with his guitar case, before taking a seat at the stage besides a large portrait of his late mother.

She was almost a spitting resemblance of Killian. She had had his eyes.

“I’m not good at writing a speech, so I’m just going to sing a song in its place. My mother used to sing to me when I was very young. Music was one of her escapes. I hope it helps her soul rest well.” He finished.

I glanced down at the pamphlet in hand as both me, Rosie, and Sarah waited patiently for the song to start. There was a slight pause while Louise’s sponsor knelt down to say something to Killian.

I leant into Rosie. “So Killian’s Mom was in AA?” I asked quietly. She nodded silently back to me.

“She got used to finding comfort at the bottom of a bottle. After Killian’s father died, she lost herself. About 6 months later, she committed suicide.” She replied. “Killian was the one who found her.” My body froze completely.

I sat there. Stunned. Completely stunned.

I hadn’t even noticed I had let go of the pamphlet until it rustled to the ground at my feet.

The music began to play…

The guitar strings almost seemed to strum themselves as Killian played the instrument effortlessly… when his voice started on with the lyrics, I felt my heart break into a million little pieces.

Killian’s POV

I took a deep breath in.

This was what she would have wanted, I told myself quietly…. so I began to sing.

This world will never be

What I expected

And if I don’t belong

Who would have guessed it?

My mind traveled back to the first night I had found my mother. She was laying on the kitchen floor, with a bottle of pills besides her.

I tried my best to get her up, but she was unresponsive.

This was the first attempt of many.

I will not leave alone

Everything that I own

To make you feel like it’s not too late

It’s never too late…

Even if I say

It’ll be alright

My mind flashed back to weeks after the first attempted overdose. “Don’t worry, mama.” I whispered against her ear as she laid in her bed tired.

She was always tired then. She never left her room.

Neither did the bottles of Jack Daniels.

Still I hear you say

You want to end your life

Now and again we try

To just stay alive

Maybe we’ll turn it all around

’Cause it’s not too late

It’s never too late

I could feel my eyes burn as I remembered the night we were evicted. Mama was behind on rent three months.

She had brought me to a shelter off the corner of Main, and left me there alone with our belongings for three days as she went on a bender.

No one will ever see

This side reflected

And if there’s something wrong

Who would have guessed it?

And I have left alone

Everything that I own

To make you feel like

It’s not too late

It’s never too late…

“You’ll get better mama, and it’ll be like it used to be.” I whispered to her as we laid on the floor of a musty studio apartment together. This was all we could afford, after mama had spent every last scent of papa’s life insurance on booze and drugs.

Even if I say

It’ll be alright

Still I hear you say

You want to end your life

“Momma!” I cried, as I saw the blood pooling around her wrists in her bed. She hadn’t come out of her room for weeks. I had only left to get some groceries , I thought to myself. I had only been gone moments. She was barely responsive now. She had lost too much blood.

Now and again we try

To just stay alive

“Momma!” I called again. “I can help you. Please, let me help you.” I whispered.

“It’s too late, baby. It’s too late…” she whispered to me, as the last bit of life left her eyes.

Maybe we’ll turn it all around

’Cause it’s not too late

It’s never too late…

James’s POV My body trembled as I witnessed a tear roll down Killian’s cheek as he sang. His usual dead eyes were now more alive than they’d ever been. Every emotion  I had failed to see him express, was coming back in full force as the tears kept were dropping uncontrollably.

I heard Sarah sniffle besides me and I turned to her.

“This is the first time…” she whispered, her eyes wide.

“The first time?” I asked.

“This is the first time I have ever seen Killian cry.”

XXIII.

Sarah’s POV

I ran out after Killian immediately.

I still couldn’t dissolve what just happened.

He had been crying. Actually crying. I wasn’t sure why but now I couldn’t stop the tears that actively flowed down my cheeks. When I had finally caught up with him, he was sitting on the back stairwell that lead up to the roof access.

His eyes were puffy now, but he had successfully wiped away the tears. His eyes were different though. The mixed raw emotions I had seen earlier were still there. So much pain was now present in those pale irises.

“Killian.” I whispered, taking a seat on the staircase besides him.

He gave me a weak smile. It broke my heart in two.

“I’m sorry I ran out.” He mumbled. I chuckled dryly.

“Don’t apologize. Ever. The fact that you came out tonight meant the word to me. It meant the world to everyone in that room. It meant the world to your mother…” I whispered that last part.

Killian didn’t say anything, but instead, he did something so incredibly unexpected. He laid his head gently into the crook of my neck. This was probably the most physical contact both Killian and I had ever had.

“You’re the sister I wish I could’ve had earlier… could’ve known earlier.” He whispered back to me finally. Tears were streaming down my cheeks at this point, and I wasn’t sure my heart could take any more pain. All I could think about was the stories my parents had told me many years ago.

Everything that had happened to Killian before he had stumbled into our lives…

I just couldn’t believe his strength. Strength to move past that. Strength to live past that.

How was it, even in this moment, I felt as if the person who was really being comforted here was me? It was always me.

Killian never failed to watch over me, even if it was my job as the older sister.

“Hey Sarah?” Killian asked, breaking up my thoughts.

“Yes, Kil?” I replied.

“I love you.” He whispered. His voice broke at the end there, and I couldn’t help but lean my head against his.

“I love you too.” I whispered back.

Killian’s POV

I felt the wind flip back my suit jacket as I leant against the edge of the roof. The cool breeze felt nice against my tear stained cheeks.

I wasn’t sure what I was thinking about in this moment.

Everything just… hurt.

It all hurt.

I had ran out of the memorial service after singing. I didn’t want be seen like this. The pity in Sarah’s eyes hurt, but I also felt a warmth when she had found me. Sarah always cared. Sarah would always care. In many ways, she reminded me of what a mother would’ve been like. A mother who hadn’t of lost the love of her life, and found her escape in substances…

I heard the rooftop door open, then close. I hadn’t bothered to look back at who had joined me, but as soon as I felt his warmth against my shoulders, I leant into him. He wrapped his long arms around me and said nothing else as we stayed there for a while.

I couldn’t help but think the city of New York had some charms. Even from the memorial building, you could see the skyscrapers on the horizon. As funny and contradictory as it seemed, I really didn’t want to leave this place.

“Any news about school?” James asked after a few moments.

“I sort of told my dean to shove my PhD program up his ass.” I replied. I could feel the vibrations from his chest as he let out a low chuckle.

“What was the very first thing you wanted to be when you were young?” James asked.

I paused to think about it for a moment.

“Watching my dad fight was always exhilarating. Before the accident, I wanted to do underground fighting just like him.” I replied.

I still couldn’t get over it.

Talking about my dad so casually… it seemed like only yesterday, I couldn’t get past that lump in my throat when it came to talking about my parents.

“What about after?” He asked me. It took me another minute to think about that.

“I didn’t foresee myself having a future.” I whispered finally. James’s hold on me tightened.

We stayed like this again, just listening to the busying streets of New York.

But during this silence, I heard more than I could’ve from words. There wasn’t much else I wanted besides him here besides me.

I turned around to face him finally.

He’s looked like he aged 10 years within the 20 minutes I hadn’t seen him for. “What the fuck happened to your hair? And face?” I asked, running my hands through his strands before massaging his cheeks.

“You happened.” He replied. I gave him a weary smile. I must have really stunned everyone. Crying, then bolting like that.

I just really needed the fresh air after that panic attack I experienced on the stage. I was sure Sarah was now apologizing profusely to everyone that came out to remember my mother.

James’s hand reached out to push back some of my loose curls behind my ear. His eyes were as warm as the first night I saw them in the precinct.

His smell was the same.

He was the same.

Regardless of how fucked up he learnt my life was.

“Hey Killian?”

“Yes James?”

“I think I’m falling for you.” He whispered down to me. I felt my heart do that thing again where it forgot how to beat and pump blood and shit. His hands slowly slid down to the nape of my neck, before tangling themselves in my hair.

It didn’t take long for me to close the distance between our parted lips. Mine were probably chapped and bloody from how hard I had bitten them, but James didn’t seem to mind.

“Hey James?” I murmured against his soft lips.

“Yes Killian?” He groaned back.

“I’ve never fallen for someone before, but I like the way you smile at me. I like the way you hold me. I like the way you fuck me…” I trailed off as his fingers tugged lightly on my hair to create access to my neck. He bent down and connected those bold lips to the soft skin right under my jaw bone. “I-I like the way you kiss m-me…” I tried to get out, but it sounded like more of a moan when James began nibbling and leaving love bites.

“Let’s go home.” James mumbled against my neck. I gave him a weak nod as I let him lead me back into the building.

I just thought it was funny, because being here. Right now. With him… I’d never felt so at home .

Was that what love was, then?

When home went from a place, to a person?

Fin

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