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Please note that this story is rated R. This story contains graphic sexual content. It contains strong language, talk of violence, child abuse, rape, self harm, and other possibly triggering content. This story is not intended for children, or anyone under the age of 18(depending on country, possibly 16).

This story contains BDSM and if you are not comfortable with that, please kindly step off my page. This story also contains cross-dressing, submission, and a wide age gap. Most of my stories will contain said content, and I really don’t want to have any issues with angry parents or the like.

I have all of the chapters with sexually explicit content marked as private. Unfortunately this makes things a tad bit more difficult for everyone involved but after my story was taken down(again)I’m throwing my hands up. In order for you to read the explicit parts of my books, you’ll have to follow me. Once you follow me, remove the story from your library and re-enter it. After that any content you cannot see will be open to you. I will also go and mark chapters by number so that you can know if you’re missing a chapter.

A triad is a polyamorous relationship between three people. Usually, this refers to a relationship where with each other (A is dating B, B is dating C, and A is dating C), also known as a “delta” or “triangle” triad or the more recent “throuple.” However, the term can also refer to “vee” relationships, where two people are both dating one person (the hinge) but not each other. These relationships can be either open or closed/poly-fi. This is relevant to the story because Blake, Ash, and Puzzle are in a “vee” relationship where Ashton is the hinge, and Blake and Puzzle are both dating him. This will become relevant further into the story.

Thank you to all of my readers who don’t report my stories. But also, sincerest thanks to the one person who keeps reporting my stories. -_-

Please do not promote other peoples stories on my books. I respect the fact that they are great books, but it can really be mildly disrespectful to the author.

Also please note that I will not tolerate any kind of rude/offensive comments in my stories or on my profile. I can deal with constructive criticism, that is 100% okay. Anybody that comments rude and or offensive things with get blocked, or reported, depending on what the comment says or is about.

Please just be nice to everyone, so we wont have any problems. 

Furthermore, I have copyrighted the stories on my account. If you want to use one or anything like that, feel free to message me to ask.

Also, I will be updating more often than I was because I got my computer fixed so it’s not a big deal anymore. I’m going to put this at the beginning of the story so that it is the first thing seen.

Note: This book is extremely old and unedited. I have yet to finish it, and in my personal opinion, it’s got issues that only rewriting will fix. I do plan to re-write all my old books in the future, so if you’d rather wait til then, I get it. There is no proper warnings list for this book, and frankly, it’s so long that I don’t really want to read through it to warn for everything. If you do decide to read this, I hope you enjoy it. If not… well, I did say it needs to be rewritten.🤣

¢нαяα¢тєяѕ

That attractive man is Blake. (Shane Burnell) Blake is 37, and he moved into a house very close to Ashton’s parents-across the street to be exact-and he recently got his fathers business when he died. He’s a tattooed, muscular sex god. He’s the dominant in the relationship between Ashton and himself. Height: 6’ Eye Color: Brown Hair color: Brownish black He is whom I found best fit my vision of Blake. He’s not the perfect fit, because of the tattoo on his face. But aside from that, he’s actually astoundingly close to what I would find him looking like if this book was a movie.

  ![](https://img.wattpad.com/807d110d93cd325e58d6d2c66d0162e9f955e62e/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f73685550574736685749745038673d3d2d3530303135343330392e313466616364613833336133666539323833373937343330353432372e6a7067)

That up there is Ashton. (Danila Kovalev) Ashton is 18, he’s still in high school, and he’s the submissive in the relationship. He’s gorgeous, feminine and cute. He lived with his parents and he pretended to be a good (and innocent) little boy until he met Blake. When he met Blake, everything changed, though. Height: 5’ 4“ Eye color: Green Hair color: Blonde

Danila fit the role of Ashton nearly perfect. He’s thin, feminine and gorgoeus. He’s got the right hair color with the right length. He’s not too much of anything, he’s just enough. And that’s what makes him nearly perfect.

  ![](https://img.wattpad.com/fdc2be4d8d3a225c92129c759e6c7bd4cf8fec83/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f39766936564b2d6e776d36574c413d3d2d3530303135343330392e313466616365346463353136333165663639363034323537353838332e6a7067)

This is Puzzle. (Alexandre Szmytko) Puzzle seems like a rather unimportant but he will be in the future. He’s one of Blake’s friends son, and Puzzle is 17, nearly 18. When he becomes relevant, he’ll be 18, though. Height: 5’6“ Eye color: blue Hair color: Bleach blonde I feel like this is the most accurate person to play him because he’s just about perfect. If I was to look for someone to play him in a movie, this would be the guy I’d want.

  ![](https://img.wattpad.com/0427ff73e5a740d54880a7df043fb4fdb38160cc/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f6a715051702d5a6c3151576246773d3d2d3530303135343330392e3134666164303536633336313034653635303231353233353031342e6a7067)

This is Damien. (Hagen Richter) He’s Ashton’s jock friend, the only one he has. He protects Ashton from the other kids at school, making sure that everyone is too scared to say anything rude to him or anything. Damien sounds like a douche, but really he’s just a confused, hormonal teenager. He doesn’t know what he wants in his life, and he doesn’t know who he is… yet . Height: 5’11“ Eye color: Blue Hair color: Blonde I don’t really know why I chose him, probably because the list of attractive guys who are younger drastically are outnumbered these days, with semi-masculine and masculine being completely out-dated. There aren’t many semi-masculine people from the ages of 18-22. There’s either overtly masculine OR masculine? 

A/n: PS I’m sorry for exciting you all about a new chapter when in fact it’s just a list of characters and their pictures. However, it’s good to see what they look like, right? I guess. Like I said, these aren’t perfect, but they are as close as I can get.

Thanks all,

~Anon.

1. αттяα¢тισи

Starting out I was untainted, never touched nor used, claimed nor abused.

A S H T O N 

I’ve always been more feminine than other guys. I’d always swung my hips a bit when I walked, kept my hair longer, and wore probably too many girly clothes. I’d spend forever shopping if I could, and I liked wearing pink way to much. 

But, aside from that, I’d always been good. I’d never fought with anyone, claiming to be a peacemaker. I’d never had sex because my parents wouldn’t like that. I hadn’t had a boyfriend, because again, my parents wouldn’t like it. I had  straight A’s and a perfect record in school. I’d never been to a party, or acted out. Never argued or stood up to my parents about anything. 

But the moment that I saw him , everything changed. I couldn’t breathe for a moment, my heart stopped, and my knees felt weak. 

He was ruggedly handsome, with tan skin and tattoos, dark hair, and equally dark eyes. He was a bad boy. But… oh he wasn’t a boy at all. His muscular body was huge, probably around two hundred or more pounds of muscles. His hair was medium length, just barely touching his jawline I ached to drag my tongue along. His leather jacket made him have an even more masculine appearance if that was even possible. 

But even so, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And I was hyper aware of the fact that he didn’t have anyone in the car with him, so it appeared he didn’t have a lover. 

My cheeks heated up when I realized that I’d been staring. I lowered my eyes back to my book, and forced myself not to watch him too closely. Every once in a while, though… I’d sneak a peak at him as his muscles rippled as he unloaded his car. He probably had more coming in a moving truck, but for now, I got the immense joy  of watching him half naked and unloading his beautiful Jeep. 

It wasn’t long until my mother stuck her head out the door, and looked over at the man, and looked back to me. “Will you run this basket over to our new neighbor after dinner?” She asked, and I bit the inside of my cheek, nerves running up and down my body at an alarming rate. 

“Sure ma.” I agreed, feeling stupid for feeling so much anxiety at dropping a basket off at his house. He’s literally just my new sexy neighbor. 

Yeah, my new sexy neighbor with rippling abs, a glare that puts Marilyn Manson’s to the test. Of course, not that I was paying that much attention to him… right?

Oh who the hell am I kidding. I hadn’t been able to keep my eyes off of him since I’d caught sight of him. I shook my head in amazement at myself, and walked into the house, and washed my hands for dinner. 

All through dinner, my parents made small talk. We’d always been a pretty tight-knit family, but recently keeping up a relationship with them felt more strained and fake than my ever-so-delicately teetering sexuality.  

My parents always said I was a good boy. I was their golden boy. I was their most prized possession. They talked me up to their friends, but they tended to come down on me pretty hard. My dad didn’t much like it that I wasn’t into football, and my mom didn’t much like all the pink in my closet, but they never openly commented. 

At least not to me, that I remember. 

Once I finally managed to get my wits about me, I picked up the annoyingly cheerful basket my mom’d made, full of soaps, candles, and some other utterly pointless shit, and started walking to my next door neighbors house. 

The Jeep appeared to be empty, and the man was nowhere to be found outside, so unfortunately, I couldn’t just drop the basket and run like I’d hoped. 

I timidly walked up to the door and knocked, the sound echoing in my head. I could hear footsteps as someone stomped to the door, and then it was open. My heart stopped and so did my brain apparently, because as I stared into his eyes, everything left me. 

I was just… empty. 

No thoughts could enter my mind as we stared at each other. “Hello?” The guy asked, and my entire body broke out into a blush. I shook my head quickly to erase what was left of the fog in my head. 

“H-hi…” I whispered timidly, and he nodded. “Um, I live… I live right there.” I pointed to my house, “M-my mom wanted to send you, um, a welcome to the n-neighborhood basket…” I was glad that he didn’t ask me to repeat it, because my brain wasn’t functioning properly. 

“Well, come on in then.” He said with a smirk. I cautiously slid into the house, my cheeks red and my heart pounding. I wasn’t scared… no this was a totally different kind of rush. 

He led me into the kitchen, and stood against the counter. I held onto the basket with a vice grip, knowing that it was the only thing in the world holding me down on earth. “You can sit that down, right there on the counter.” He said, a slight hint of command in his voice. 

Almost immediately, my heart froze and I did as he said. I’d never been so quick to obey an order in my life. I hadn’t even been certain I saw where he’d pointed, but I scrambled to make sure that I put it in the right place with a hesitant look up into the mans eyes. He gave me a half nod, and relief flooded through me. 

“I’m Blake Reynolds.” He said, his voice was hard, his eyes calculating. I gulped lightly, and ran a hand through my blonde hair. 

“I-I’m A-Ashton Carter, sir…” I said, and he stuck his arm out in front of him, offering me a handshake. I scrambled forward, desperate to feel his skin brush mine in any way.

My smaller hand was engulfed in his larger, warm one. His was more masculine looking. But feeling his hands… rough and calloused made my cock stand up in my pants. I blushed as tingles ran up my arm from where his fingers brushed on my wrist. I coughed, and pulled my hand away shyly. Blake smirked as he looked over me. 

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Ash.” He said, the look in his eyes made my blood boil in my body as I fought my dick as all my blood rushed to my make me hard. His eyes were calculating as he looked over me. I bit into the inside of my cheek. 

My body wasn’t obeying me, though, as my cock was hardened in my pants. I couldn’t contain my blush. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve never acted this way before! “I-It was nice to m-meet you too, s-sir?” I questioned, and he nodded. 

“Do you need to get back?” He asked, and I gulped. Do I? Mom wouldn’t particularly care if I stayed a while, but I felt lust zinging through my veins, and I don’t know if I can control this feeling. 

I bit my lip and shook my head no at last. I couldn’t lie, even if I desperately needed to get out of this situation. He gave me a thoughtful look, “Are you okay?” He asked, and I immediately nodded my head. “Are you always this shy and quiet?” He asked and I shook my head yes sheepishly.

I’m not always  shy nor quiet. Just when I’m in the presence of a man who I am shamefully attracted to. He smirked a bit and nodded his head, looking over my body. 

“Would you like a drink?” He asked, and I nodded my head. “I’ve got orange juice and tea.” He said. I stared at him, thinking. 

I hate making decisions, I can never do it. Whenever I go out to eat, my friends have to wait on me to decide what to eat, and trust me, it takes me forever. After a few seconds, he smirked and looked at me thoughtfully. “Tea it is,” he said comfortingly and I blushed, relieved I didn’t have to decide myself. 

“S-sorry sir, I’m… just… um…” I didn’t have any words to describe what I was. Shy? Timid? Stupid? I don’t know what the right word would be for it. 

I was always like this around other people. Especially people like him… people that turned me on. For whatever reason, I can’t control it. I have the utter need to embarrass myself, and I hate it. 

“You are quite interesting,” he drawled. I blushed and bit the inside of my lip and shrugged. What do you reply to that? “Well, I need to get some rest, I have a moving truck coming tomorrow. If you’d like to come back by tomorrow, feel free. I might even put you to work.” The tone in his voice told me I was expected  to come back, but I found that I didn’t mind it. 

Both my parents were in the living-room when I walked into the house. They were discussing whatever was on television, and I found myself quickly retreating up to my room. I shut the door and leaned against it, groaning loudly. 

Man that was weird. I looked over to my clock and saw it was only twelve in the afternoon, so I laid down on my bed, determined to forget about everything and lose myself into some music. 

 As I laid there listening to my playlist randomly go through songs, I felt my eyes getting heavy, and eventually, I let myself sink into sleep grateful for the escape.

I felt my cheeks heat up as I looked around the room I was in. It wasn’t particularly scary, I just found myself  confused. Where am I? I glanced down and gasped. 

My shirt was gone, and so were my boxers and jeans, replaced by a startlingly pink pair of lacy underwear. My cheeks were red before, but now they were on fire. Why am I wearing this? I turned around and found myself facing a mirror wall, and gasped. 

My dick was hard as a rock and the pink material of the panties actually made it look… pretty. My neck was encased in a bright pink choker that had Blake’s on it out of diamonds. On top of that, it had a bell on it. Like a damn cat collar. On top of my blonde head, a headband with two little kitten ears on the top of them. 

My face was red, and I had no idea what was going on. “Were you a good boy?” was whispered in my ear, and the heat of his breath ghosting over my neck made me whimper. 

“Yes sir…” I whispered shyly. I looked up into the mirror and saw Blake’s muscular body behind mine. I looked into his dark eyes, my green ones clouded with lust and confusion. “Please…” I whispered. 

“Oh baby, what do you want?” Blake commanded, his hand coming up and wrapping around my throat. He squeezed it and I whimpered. 

“I-I,” I gasped, “want to c-cum please…” I whimpered out, and he smirked. A sliver of fear raced down my spine as I watched him look me over. 

“If you dare to look away from that mirror while I fuck you, I swear I’ll stop.” He snapped, pulling the back of the panties down and pressing his tip against my hole. He didn’t prepare me, he just thrusted into me, making me gasp. 

Pain flitted across my face as I winced, but the pleasure from the pain was very much so pleasant. “Who do you belong to, little slut?” He snapped out and I moaned quietly.

“You sir,” I moaned out, gripping at my wrists desperate for something to hold me down on earth. “I’m your little slut.” I gasped as he touched the front of my panties, caressing my dick through them. He thrusted in and out of me, making my entire body clench in pleasure as wave after wave of euphoria washed over me.

“Damn right you are,” He growled. “I own this, I own

you

.“ He bit into my neck hard and it caused me to whimper. I nodded my head in agreement. “Good little boy… who’s my good little sissy boy?” He groaned into my ear, and I moaned as he tightened his grip around my throat. 

“I am, sir.” I cried out as his head touched my prostate suddenly, and very hard. My entire body clenched. “Please… fuck please sir… it hurts!” I cried, tears running down my cheeks as I watched us move in a rhythm. 

“Cum now, you little whore.” He growled, and I moaned as–

I shot up in bed, panting heavily and wiping the sweat off of my forehead as I looked around my room. I blushed as I felt the stickiness in the front of my shorts. 

 Did I just…? I just… came… to my next door neighbor… in a dream. My cheeks were a new level of red as I stared at myself in the mirror across from my bed. 

My disheveled reflection stared back at me with wonder, and confusion in my eyes. As I glanced out my window to the window beside mine, a look of longing and nervousness on my face. 

I couldn’t believe it. Not only had I came all over myself, and ruined a pair of jeans, unless somehow I can get the cum out of them in the morning to my new neighbor, I also slept through dinner, and evening. It’s three A.M. now. 

What was so bad was that I, the good boy, actually longed  for his touch. It wasn’t just a dream to me, it was a fantasy. One that shamefully turned me on. I didn’t even know his age and yet here I am, cumming against my sheets like a fourteen year old boy. 

I stripped off my clothes, pulling on a pair of briefs and sank back into bed, grateful that I had been wearing jeans instead of just boxers. That could’ve been really hard to explain otherwise. 

I couldn’t help but wonder if he had of felt what I felt in that kitchen… the heat, the desire… the lust… the attraction… did he? Or was that all just a part of my imagination? 

I don’t think it was.

I forced myself to shut off my thoughts and to go back to sleep again, praying for a dreamless sleep this time.

2. ρяσνσ¢αтισи

Provoking the beast within you is my one and only desire, the pleasure that I’m sure will come is worth more than the punishment of being naughty.

A S H T O N

I found myself hesitantly standing in front of Blake’s door the next morning. I didn’t know when he wanted me to come over, but I knew that it’d probably need to be early.

I mean, I’d never moved before in my life, but… surely this was right, right?

Speaking of right, I had thought all night about what to do about my sexy neighbor who’d clearly had some kind of effect on me. He drove me crazy, and he didn’t even do anything to me. He didn’t even touch me. 

I’d decided, whether it be the right thing or the wrong thing, I was going to see if he was even into it. I didn’t know if he was into guys, or anything else. He could be married for all I know.

But it was worth a shot. 

Being the good boy was tiring and I really just wanted to be free from that title. Maybe… I could just get a taste of something bad. All I wanted was a taste. 

I almost snorted to myself, I knew once I got a taste of something bad, I’d never want to be a good boy again. 

I finally got up the courage to knock on the door, and he immediately answered with a smirk. “I was wondering if you’d ever knock.” He said, looking over me. 

I blushed and shrugged. I’d dressed as sexily as I possibly could. I didn’t exactly have a wardrobe for teasing, but I did what I could. I’d slipped into a tight black tee shirt that said Kitten on it with some devil horns on it and the tightest pair of white jeans I owned that made my ass look amazing. 

Everything I’d put on this morning accentuated one part of my body or the other, and I wasn’t entirely sure if it worked for guys. I’d never even a guy try to seduce a man, so… I’m going off of what I think I’d find sexy if I was into bottoms. 

Obviously that hunk of muscles isn’t going to be a bottom with me, so I knew that I would never have a chance of topping him. For some reason, that didn’t bother me at all. 

“Good morning,” I said softly, looking over him appreciatively. His chest was bare, and I didn’t have a complaint about that, because oh my god , his chest is fucking amazing. The tattoos made him all the more sexy. But what really had me going was the low hanging sweatpants, showing off the V indention below those tantalizing abs covered in beautiful tattoos. 

If I looked close enough I thought I might could see just a shadow of hair at the waistband of his sweats. “Morning,” he grumbled, leading me to his kitchen.  He poured each of us a glass of orange juice. “Drink.” He said, pushing it towards me. 

I nodded hastily and took a sip. He watched me as I took small sips, and then downed his own in seconds. “Can you hand me that box down there?” He asked, and I nodded. 

I walked over to the box, and glanced behind me. He was staring at me, and so, I began. Instead of going down and raising the box from my knees, I bent at the waist, making sure my ass was pointed towards him. I was slow and deliberate as I picked the box up and handed it to him. I looked at him under my lashes and blushed when I saw him staring at me. 

He didn’t speak for a moment as he went through the box. “C-can I use your bathroom?” I asked, and he nodded. 

“Down the hall to the left.” He said, and I made my way to the bathroom. I peed, and washed my hands, looking into the mirror. I was nervous because I’d never done anything like this before. I was hot, I guess… but I’d never tried seducing anyone. 

I looked over myself, bright green eyes and blonde hair, slim, feminine body, and what I counted as provocative. I sighed deeply and looked at myself. What am I doing? Am I really so desperate that I’ll try seducing a man that could be my father? But for some reason I didn’t feel  desperate. I felt… elated. 

I shook off my thoughts and went out of the bathroom, running to get back to Blake. I heard Blake talking as I walked back in, so I leaned on the counter, sticking my butt out in front of him. I listened as he talked about work or something. It was rather boring, so I was swaying my hips back and forth, demanding attention. 

Suddenly, his hand came down hard on my ass, making me gasp and pleasure radiated from where he’d landed his stinging slap. He muttered a quick goodbye to whoever he was talking to and leaned over my body, “If you aren’t prepared to act,” He grumbled in my ear, making me shiver, “Don’t tease a sleeping bear.” 

I was silent a moment, thinking. Do I really want this? This could be humiliating if it got out, but I found I didn’t really care. Do I really want to disobey my parents? Forget everything that my parents have taught me… for just a few weeks of fun? 

It didn’t take me long to realize, yes , I did want it. I wanted him. For a few weeks, longer possibly. I don’t love him, but this feeling is definitely… something. 

“Who said I wouldn’t act?” I asked, my voice coming out huskier than I meant for it to. He chuckled a bit, running his nose down my neck as I tilted my head to the side. 

“You’re still just a boy,” He ventured, his hands gripping my hips hard as I felt his slightly hard cock against my ass. “You’ve probably got as much experience as any other boy your age,” I moaned quietly as he lightly nipped at my neck. 

“I-I…” I started, my cheeks red from embarrassment. The truth was, I hadn’t even been kissed before. I’d never been kissed, touched… 

“What was that?” He teased, sucking my earlobe into his mouth. I whimpered, biting my lip as pleasure coursed through my body at a fast pace, causing me to shake. 

“P-please…” I whimpered, my ego going down the drain like I’d taken out the plug. 

He chuckled, turning me around so we were looking face to face, his dark brown eyes entrancing my own. “Please what, little one?” He whispered, and I moaned quietly, closing my eyes as I felt him ghosting his fingers softly on my skin. 

“Anything,” I said, “please anything!” I could feel my cock hard in my pants, harder than I had ever been before in my life. I had never felt this before in my life, and I vaguely wondered if it was always like this or if this was only with him. 

Just then, a knock at the door alerted him, and he stepped back away from me like nothing ever happened. I however was panting hard, my cheeks red as a beet, my heart pounding in my chest like a drum. 

I could still feel my cock in my pants, pulsing from that little bit of teasing. Blake ignored me as he went to the door, and I heard a loud daddy! echoing in the house, and glanced around to see a guy that was younger than me, but only just, standing at the door. 

“I’m not your father.” He deadpanned, but let the guy in anyway. “Puzzle, this is Ashton.” He introduced us easily, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the boy in front of me. He was beautiful for a kid, I’d venture to say not even seventeen yet.

“Hey’s pretty.” Puzzle drawled, looking over me in a way that made me blush. “Is he yours?” 

“Puzzle, we just met.” Blake said in frustration. “Even so, where is your mother?” 

“Well, she might be back h–” He started and Blake’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. 

“You left her?” He growled. Puzzle nodded unaffectedly, and I widened my eyes. That tone made me flinch, and Puzzle acted like it was nothing. “You should be home.”

“I should be home, doesn’t mean I am.” He snorted, and I rolled my eyes, leaning against the counter again, making Blake growl. 

“Up!” He commanded, and I immediately did so, blushing. 

“Sorry sir…” I whisper softly, looking down at the counter feeling myself blush brightly. His eyes were deep, lust filled as he stared over me. 

“You should probably head home,” He sighed deeply, looking over me with annoyance in his eyes. “Put your number down on the table by the door, and I’ll text you later. For now, I have to deal with this moron.” He rolled his eyes, his entire demeanor different from when I’d walked into the house. 

He seemed highly frustrated to see the kid here, and I was kind of worried about leaving them alone together, but I left anyway, doing exactly as I was told, making sure to sign it with a heart. I know, girly, but who cares? I want him to know I’m interested. How else can I do that?

Besides, he already knew I was into him. He was obviously a lot better at reading people than I was, because I still had no idea if he wanted me or not. As I walked into the house, my mom was sitting on the couch, sewing something. “What’s that?” I drawled, and she snorted. 

“It’s supposed to be a shirt.” She admitted holding it up. I laughed, and laughed some more. 

“I think you need more practice.” I gasped out, in between giggles of joy. “It looks more like something you’d put on a snake when it sheds it’s skin.” 

“Oh shut up!” She growled, rolling her eyes. “I’ve never sewed anything, and it’s not like you could do any better.” She teased. 

“I couldn’t.” I admitted, and looked around. “Where is dad?” I asked, and she shrugged. 

“Out?” She asked, and I laughed. 

“Obviously, but where ?” I stressed the word, and she shrugged again. 

“Um, a last minute meeting, I believe he said.” She said with a smile. I didn’t buy it, but I didn’t comment. Here lately, dad’s been staying out late, coming home smelling like a bar, liquor and cigarettes clinging to his clothes like a vice. Also, I wasn’t certain but I thought I smelled a womans perfume on one of his jackets when he was walking past me, but I didn’t comment. 

I figured it wasn’t my business. I mean, really? I couldn’t get involved in that shit. It may be my parents but I tried to just mind my own in this house. I’d learned when I was younger that sticking my nose where it didn’t belong was nothing I needed to do. 

I sighed deeply and walked up to my room, shutting my door and looking around. I’d been fortunate to have my parents. They may have been strict, but they cared, and you could tell. I mean, they’d never dissed me about my sexuality, granted I don’t think they  know  yet. I hadn’t been able to tell them. I’d gotten so close… but every time I’d chicken out and say something stupid to cover up what I’d began to say. 

I know, it’s a wuss thing to do, but really I don’t have much if I lose my family. Sure, I had a couple friends, but none that cared enough to let me stay with them if I was kicked out. 

I spent most of my time being a good boy for my parent’s and that didn’t leave much time for me to socialize nor attract friends. I’d had a couple, but they were never anything too grand. Most people tire of me refusing to go out and party, or being a prude and drop me after a few months. 

I don’t mean to be that way though, because I just really, really  want to make my parents proud. 

But the more I thought about it, the more I hated it. I’d spent all my time making them happy, and I’d forgotten about being happy myself.

I sighed, closing my eyes and thinking back to in the kitchen. He’d been so close I could smell his body wash. Oh it wrapped around me like a hand, and made my entire body melt for him. He smelled so good. His body felt like a brick wall against mine, and it just made me feel even more aroused. 

I closed my eyes and shook my head, okay, distraction time!

3. αвєяяαтισи

A/n: So this chapter is gonna be slightly smaller maybe, but that’s okay. So I just wanted to put a quick little authors note here to let everyone know whats up. First off, I’ve been struggling really bad with depression, and literally just lack the motivation to breathe. My step-grandmother passed, so also, as life sometimes does, things have been getting in the way. I just wanted to let everyone know what’s been up and why I’ve not been active as of late. Also, I wanted to put in a quick thank you to all the people that are reading/voting. It thrills me to see that I’ve got nearly 2.2k reads on my other book, and a combined 3.2k reads on all three of my books. Keep it up, y’all!

Also, comment down below your favorite character and a short reason why. I’m just curious. Thanks. 

  ~ In your presence I am not who I once was, when I’m in your presence I belong on my knees serving you, submitting to you.~

A S H T O N 

I moaned loudly, feeling my entire body  clenching in pleasure as Blake ran his warm hand over my shaking body. His warm fingers were calloused and hard, but instead of it disgusting me, it only served to make me more needy and desperate. 

His pretty dark eyes looked into my eyes, my entire body  shuddered as I looked into those dark, expressive eyes of his. All I wanted was to be on my knees in front of him, sucking his warm, steely dick with all that I had in me. 

His lips trailed against my neck slowly, teasingly making my skin light with fire-like intensity. My whole body was being stimulated in a new, amazing way. 

The way our bodies are touching is new, exciting. I could feel his abdomen against my stomach, his lips against my neck, his hands on my wrist..

“What do you want, il mio amore,” he said with his warm, strong voice. The way it vibrated against my skin as he trailed his lips against my neck made my entire body clench. 

“Mmm…” I whimpered, closing my eyes against the pleasure. He hummed curiously. “I mm want you to ahhh…” I trailed off, tugging his hair hard as I began to float off into a sea of ecstasy. 

He hadn’t even touched my dick yet and I felt like I was going to cum… I can’t imagine if he actually did…

“Ashton!” I heard loudly and I jumped up, blinking the sleep out of my eyes quickly as my heart raced in my chest. “You told me to wake you up early so you could go help the man across the street again, remember?” My mom called from outside of my door.

“Oh right!” I called back sleepily, leaning back against my pillow tiredly. “Thanks ma!” 

“No problem hon.” She called back and I heard her walking away. 

As I calmed down, I looked down at my lap and saw my dick hardened beneath my pants. I rolled my eyes and stood up, quickly showering in cold water to diffuse the situation in my pants before I spent an hour jerking off in the bathroom. 

I dressed myself in something slightly suggestive, but not too much so. I made sure my pants were tight, and my shirt was short enough to show my ass. 

I’ve been fantasizing about meeting someone that drove me absolutely crazy, and now I’ve met him. He doesn’t even have to say anything to make my entire body light with lust. I need to have him, consequences be dammed. 

I snorted at myself as I looked in the mirror. Blake is a man, and I’m nothing but a boy. He’d probably be interested more into someone like that man that was there yesterday. 

Okay, yeah, I spied on him. Accidentally. Maybe on purpose. No, accidentally for sure. I had been casually looking out my window when a car pulled up in his driveway with a good looking, smaller man inside of it. He was probably Blake’s boyfriend or something. 

I felt myself flushing from embarrassment. Would it matter to me truly if he had a boyfriend? I couldn’t see myself being a homewrecker, but Blake made everything so much… hotter.  I’ve had my fair share of dreams before, but every one with Blake in it is just so much more amazing.

I grabbed my phone off the bedside table and went to check my messages. I was surprised to see that more than just Damien messaged me. 

The number that did message me was one not in my contacts. I opened the message and was pleasantly surprised. 

Goodnight, little one. Read the message, and I giggled quietly, putting Blake’s name down in the contact information and quickly replied with: On my way to help!  I didn’t wait for a reply, I just quickly made my way out of the house. 

My mom was nowhere to be found, but dad was sitting on the couch, fiddling with the television remote. “Bye dad, I’ll be home later.” I told him, and he nodded his head. 

“See you son,” He said, and I walked out of the house, and across the street. I stared at the door, nerves making my skin crawl.  Luckily, Blake just opened the door before I had to knock. I stood there dumbfounded when I saw him standing there, delicious muscles and tattooed abdomen in view as he was wearing only a pair of boxers. 

He got out of the way of the door and motioned me inside so I hurriedly crossed the threshold and he shut the door behind me. I walked into the kitchen and turned around, looking into his eyes suddenly. 

I gulped and lowered my eyes, and then my face went bright red when I saw his package hidden behind the thin material of his boxers. He was well endowed from what I could tell, and my mouth went dry as I imagined what his cock would look like. 

“Good morning,” He said, his voice husky and deep making shivers race my spine for no reason. I couldn’t help it, his voice even turned me on. 

I blinked once, and nodded my head. “Good morning,” I felt like tacking on a sir would be the polite thing to do, but nothing about what I was struggling with was polite  or courteous. All I could think about was those warm, thick muscles forcing me against the counter and him fucking me until I couldn’t remember my own name. 

“We will be alone today, Ash.” he said it in a tone that let me know it was true. “Puzzle went home last night with his brother, and now, I am alone here.” He laughed slightly. “Thank god, Puzzle is a strange boy.” 

“He seemed okay.” I mumbled shyly, unsure how to respond. 

“He seems okay until you get to know the boy.” He snorted and looked me over. “Hm, if you’re trying to show something off I believe it’s working.” He said, and I blushed brightly biting my lip. 

He stared at me silently a moment, then motioned for me to sit down. I did as he told me to immediately, and looked up at him with confusion in my eyes. “Ashton, I feel like I need to have a conversation with you before this goes any further.” He said, and I nodded nervously. “I want you to know if you keep pursuing this, or if you even want to after I explain this to you, something will happen.” I nodded my head, my stomach twisting with nerves. 

“Ashton, being completely blunt you’re sexy as hell, and I’m sure you already know it with the way you flaunt it.” I blushed brightly and shook my head a bit, “I am a very difficult man to put up with, and if you want anything to ever happen you’re going to have to accept it. I am controlling, possessive, and I have to have things a certain way.” He paused a moment and looked over me, my stomach was flipping in an excitement I’d never felt before. I could feel everything inside of me wanting to stop him there and tell him I didn’t care what he wanted from me I’d gladly give him it. I don’t love him, yet , but I could see it getting there someday, maybe. 

“B-Blake?” I asked shyly. 

“Yes?” He asked, and I blushed brightly.

 “What do you mean, controlling and possessive?” I bit into my lip and looked up at him, my cheeks red and my heart racing. 

“I can’t exactly explain it verbally to where you’d understand, I’ll show you what I spent my night working on after Puzzle left.” He told me and I nodded my head nervously. He motioned for me to get up, so I did and followed behind him cautiously. He stopped me at a room in the very back of the hallway, and smirked. “This here will determine whether or not we could ever become anything.” He told me, before taking out a key and unlocking the door. He motioned me in before him, and I walked in.

Immediately my mouth dropped open as the room came into view. Two of the walls were straight mirrors, and the other two were painted a soothing grey color. One of the grey walls had a bunch of small drawers with labels on them, but I couldn’t see them to read them yet. The other grey wall had a nice dresser in the center, and things hanging off the walls. 

“What are these?” I whispered, my cheeks red and my eyes wide with wonder. 

“Different things,” He drawled, looking around. “Floggers, whips, belts, paddles, and the like.” He explained. 

“What for?” I asked, and he laughed quietly and put one of his warm, hands on my covered back. 

“They are for…” He trailed off a moment, leaning closer to me, and making my body heat up. “Spanking naughty little boys like you when they misbehave.” 

I moaned quietly, my thoughts immediately going to the kitchen yesterday when he’d smacked my ass with his hand hard, and the pleasure radiating from the smack had practically made me want to cum before I had even noticed it. 

Silence echoed in the room around us, and I couldn’t help the shot of adrenaline and lust that raced up my spine and zinged in my blood. 

“C-can I look around?” I asked shyly, and he nodded. I took a hesitant step forward and ran my fingers along the table in the middle of the room. The bed in the corner I hadn’t noticed looked comfortable, but I was more focused on the wall with the drawers. What could possibly be in those drawers? Were they worse than what he had displayed? Or were they better? 

I ran my fingers over the label on the drawer, and looked over my shoulder at him. He nodded his head encouragingly and I opened the drawer. My cheeks heated up when the toy came into view, and I couldn’t help but gasp slightly. 

The thing in the drawer was huge, and there was a little remote with it as well, which made me question it. “That is a dildo with a vibrator. I can put it into someone and control the vibrations from hundreds of miles away.” My skin lit up, and I gasped in shock when I realized how close he’d managed to get while I was distracted. “Of course, you’re young so you’ll be tighter, so we’d start at the other end of the wall, and work up to that. Go have a look see.” I pushed the drawer back in and followed his orders. I pulled out the drawer on the opposite end and a smaller, less frightening dildo with a remote was there. My cheeks heated up and I bit into my lips. 

“Oh…” I trailed off thinking about the possibility of him using it on me. I liked that possibility very much so.

“If you were my boy,” he whispered into my ear, making my breath catch in my throat. “We’d work our way from size one to size ten, every night I’d send you home with one inside of you. And randomly I’d turn it on, making it difficult for you to think about anything else.” 

My heart racing in my chest, and my dick steadily rising in my pants didn’t help the fact that all I really wanted was for exactly that to happen. 

I wanted him to control me, to touch me, and to touch him. I wanted to feel him deep inside of me, despite my fears and trepidation’s.  

“I’ve never…” I trailed off softly, arching my body into his. 

“Oh really?” He whispered into my ear. “That just makes you all the more perfect, love.” The way his tongue caressed the word love made my skin crawl in excitement. 

“The age doesn’t bother you?” I asked shyly and I felt him shake his head against my neck. My entire body was vibrating at his touch, and I couldn’t do anything but let him continue. I wasn’t afraid of him, I was excited. 

“You’re a gorgeous boy, Ashton.” He whispered into my ear. “Eventually, you will become mine. And when you do, I’ll fuck you until you can’t move for a week.” 

“Please…” I whispered, and he laughed quietly. 

“All in good time, love.” He whispered into my ear. “Before I do anything to your delectable little boy we have to talk. So, lets go get to work moving things. When we get done, we’ll go out to get lunch, and then we’ll see what happens, okay?” He told me, and I nodded my head. 

“Sounds good!” I exclaimed excitedly. 

Hopefully, just hopefully, he’ll want me. Because I really, really want him right now.

4. єℓαвσяαтισи

This feeling inside of me is new and I don’t understand it, But under your watchful eyes  I don’t need elaboration because everything is natural.

A S H T O N

Everything felt different as I trailed behind the muscular man. Blake had decided he was going to take me to dinner to explain what he needs to, and I didn’t mind it much. It felt like a date, something that I wouldn’t have expected but I found that I loved it. 

Currently Blake was leading me out to his nice, sleek, and practically brand new jeep. I wanted to fuck the jeep so bad. He opened the car door for me and I climbed in, sitting down in the seat. He reached across me and buckled me up. Blake then locked the door and shut it. I blushed brightly, feeling… something. 

I didn’t know if I was feeling hurt by the fact that he thought I couldn’t take care of myself, or if I was feeling happy because he cared enough to make sure I was buckled in and locked up nice and tight. It made my insides twist and turn in a very confusing way. On one hand, I thought it was happiness, but on the other I couldn’t really tell. 

Blake put his hand on my leg, running his finger over my thigh. “How’re you feeling,” He asked me as we drove down the road. 

“I’m feeling fine,” I said softly, and looked up at him. “A bit confused about the way I’m feeling, to be honest.” I admitted softly. He nodded his head and looked over me slowly. 

“How so?” He asked me and I shrugged softly and I glanced around the car as he slowly pulled onto a highway. 

“Well, I think…” I trailed off embarrassedly. “I think I like you taking care of me.” I admitted nervously. “It makes me feel… safe?” I asked, and he nodded. He drove quietly a moment before looking over me slowly. 

“It’s because you know I’m taking care of you.” He said softly and looked at me with those dark, heated eyes of his. “It’s different when someone is taking care of you because they want to. When they are doing it merely to please you, you can tell. In our case, you know that I’m doing it because I want to protect you.” He explained softly. “Of course your going to at first feel like you’re being babied, but that’s why you’ll end up loving it.” He said, pulling off of the highway. 

Not long after we pulled off the highway and had gone silent we pulled into a nice restaurant. “Wow,” I whispered, looking over the restaurant. 

My family and I were pretty well off, but we’d never been to a place this nice. It wasn’t like we couldn’t afford to go if we saved up a couple weeks, but we never did. It wasn’t like we needed to hang out at a restaurant, we had plenty of times to hang out at home around a table for free, or at least mostly free because it was food we bought. 

“Wait in the car,” Blake told me and I nodded, watching as he got out of the car and shut and locked his door. After he shut and locked the door he walked to my side and unlocked and then unbuckled me. He helped me out of the car and I blushed, looking at him shyly as I took his hand. 

He led me into the restaurant and waited patiently. “Hello sir, table for two?” A nice, pretty looking girl said, and Blake nodded, putting a hand on my lower back possessively.

 She led us to the table and gave us menus before walking away, claiming to be right back in a moment. We sat there looking over the menu. “What do you like?” He asked, and I shrugged. 

“Whatever is che–” I started but was cut off. 

“Don’t even finish that. I’m paying, not you. It’s off my card, now you just tell me what you like.” He commanded, and I cowered slightly, not afraid but feeling bad for having not just answered. 

“I like salad.” I admitted. “Just salad, meat is okay, but I prefer to just eat salad and vegetables.” I said, and he nodded. 

“Then you’ll get the green salad with cranberry vinaigrette.” He said and I nodded shyly, feeling nervous. He sat the menu down and looked at me with those dark eyes again. “So what I wanted to discuss with you is simple, love. I want you to be mine.” He said simply. 

“Y-yours?” I asked shyly, and he nodded. 

“I want you to be my submissive,” He explained. I opened my mouth to speak and he shot me a look and I shut my mouth quickly. “I like controlling my lovers, telling them what to do, how to do it, and I don’t like being asked questions about why I do it. Now, it wont be un-enjoyable. You’ll have the option to stop whatever I do with a word that we’ll assign once you decide this is what you want. Ash, you’re a good boy now, but are you happy?” Blake asked, just as the waitress came back. 

“What can I get you–” She started. 

“Two cherry cokes, one double cheeseburger with fries, and a green salad with cranberry vinaigrette.” He said and she nodded writing it all down and then turned around and walked away with a cheerful smile. “Speak, love.” He said once she was gone.

“I… don’t really know what a submissive is.” I admitted shyly. “I’ve never done any of this before. I’ve never gone on a date, been kissed, or touched or… any of this. You’re right I am a good boy…” I whispered and he nodded his head listening. “Can you explain it to me?” I asked. 

He leaned his hand across the table and took my hand in his. His larger, calloused hand was darker than mine by a bit, and it enclosed my smaller one in a wonderful feeling heat. “A submissive is someone who gives over control of themselves to someone they trust, someone they want to give themselves to, and they let the person they give themselves to takes care of their needs.” He explained softly. “A dominant, which is what I am takes care of the submissive. A dominant  feels honored when a submissive decides to trust them.” He explained. “Dominant and Submissive is only one part of BDSM, but that’ll be the part we really start with. I’ll explain everything involving that more in depth at home.” He told me. 

“What’ll it entail?” I whispered. 

“You’ll wear my collar, with my initials on it. You’ll do as I say. You’ll wear what I tell you you can. But also, I’ll make you feel the most amazing pleasure you’ve ever felt in your life.” He explained confidently. “You will never need another man in your life if we decide that you want to stay with me.” He said softly. “I’ll touch you whenever you need it, you’ll touch me when I tell you to.” He said easily, and I nodded my head. 

“I…” I trailed off, looking around the restaurant. 

“Yes, love?” He asked, and I looked into his eyes. 

“I want to do this…” I whispered slowly, and he nodded his head, kissing my hand easily. 

“You’re my little boy now, sweets.” He said sweetly, pressing a sweet kiss to my hand. “I’ll take care of you, love. And I know it’s going to take time for you to let your family know, so we wont tell them until you are comfortable with it. I do require that you wear the collar all the time, so you’ll have to find a way to explain that to them, or hide it from them. But I do want it on you at all times.” Blake said easily and I nodded my head understandingly. 

“H-how does this work?” I asked shyly and he smirked slightly and went to answer just as the girl dropped our plates and drinks off. I rolled my eyes as she eyes our hands in ill disguised disgust. As she walked away she glared at me and I stuck my tongue out at her. 

“What…” He trailed off, and I pointed at her. 

“She glared at me.” I said softly, and he nodded. 

“Oh, I’ll talk to Robert about it later, love. What do you mean, how does it work?” He asked, and I shrugged. 

“Well, I’ve never even done anything near this… I don’t really know what we are going to be doing, or what…” I trailed off and he nodded. 

“There are rules, which we’ll go over once we get home. Also, there are going to be some uncomfortable times coming up, because I’m going to have to train you, and you might be nervous about it because you have to be naked while I examine you, and I’ll have to shave you, so you may be a bit nervous.” He explained. I nodded and blushed a bit. 

“You’ll shave me?” I asked shyly, and he nodded his head. “Okay.” I whispered, and he smirked a bit. 

“Why, does that turn you on, love?” He asked softly, making my cock harden in my pants. I really did like the thought of being vulnerable for him in that way. At first it’ll be scary, but I knew that I’d love it if I didn’t get too scared and tell him to stop. I just knew that I wanted him, and I didn’t care what I had to do to have him. I wanted him with everything in me. 

I couldn’t imagine anybody else controlling me. I wouldn’t let them. Only Blake. Only Blake because I trusted him. I wanted him. I needed him. I don’t know why, I just do. He came into my life easily, but I don’t know what I did to ask for such an amazing man. 

I can’t lie to myself, I’m a bit scared. I’ve never been in this position before, and I don’t know what to do. I trust Blake, but this is a big commitment, and I knew I wanted it but… do I really want it? Or is it just something I want at the moment because I feel like I need to stop being a goodie two shoes?

For some reason, that sounded a bit far fetched. I had been fine with being mommies little good boy until I met  Blake. He changed me, and it hadn’t even been a week yet. 

I found myself anxious. Why do I want to be his submissive? It sounds like a task that would take some heavy duty work on my end. I was up for that, but what would he want to take that time to help me get to where he wanted me? I knew that it’d take time because hell, up until three minutes ago I didn’t even know there was a such thing as BDSM up until now. I didn’t know what it was, so obviously I was going to need some guidance in it. 

“Tell me what you’re feeling,” He commanded and I nodded my head, looking around the diner slowly.

“I’m feeling a lot of things…” I admitted. “I’m excited, but nervous. I’ve never… done any of this. Will you teach me?” I asked, and he nodded his head.

“Training you is going to be fun,” He said smirking and looking over me slowly. “The first thing we’ll do is take off your clothes and I’ll slowly run my hands over every inch of your thin little body.” He said, his voice  calm but his eyes filled with a fire so hot it threatened to burn me where I sat. “Then, you’ll be shaved. I’m going to go slow into the sexual aspect of the relationship, unless that is something you want to experience right off.” He said, and I shrugged, looking down shyly. 

“To be honest…” I trailed off blushing brightly as I looked over Blake’s gorgeous body. “I want to have sex… but I want to have regular sex before I experience the more…” I trailed off slowly, unsure of how to explain it. 

“The more painful sex.” He finished for me. 

“Yes, exactly.” I said softly, and he smiled a bit. “Is that okay?” I asked hesitantly and he nodded his head. 

“I completely understand, and I know that it’s going to be scary. But, I am going to earn your trust before we go into the sexual part of BDSM.” Blake said, and I nodded understandingly. 

“Okay,” I agreed, and looked around the dining room with a blush on my cheeks. 

“You’re sweet.” He said easily and I flushed brightly, looking down at my hand he was still holding in his hands. My skin burned deliciously under his grasp and I glanced up at him shyly. 

I couldn’t help but feel like this was the start of something amazing, and I couldn’t wait to get back to his house so that we could get this thing started.

5. fσ¢αℓιѕαтισи

(A/N: Slightly long chapter, but it just means more Blake and Ashton, right? Also, I’d like to say that I update my books, Mercy (Another  MxB BDSM book) and Sissy boy within a day or so of each other though Mercy is much farther along. If you are interested you can go check out Mercy as well, to read in between the updates on this story. It’ll be the next update, so might as well just put that out there for anyone who’s interested.)

I’m a mess inside myself, I can’t control my thoughts or feelings. All I need is your guidance and care, your touch, for everything to calm down so I can focus.

A S H T O N

Blake led me up his walkway and into the house. I was sweating slightly from my nerves and was unsure of what was about to happen. Of course I knew what was going to happen. After careful discussion we’d decided the first thing he was going to do is get me used to sex. Sex, because I’d never had it before, was a big deal. 

I didn’t really know if I was ready for that. I wanted him with every fiber of my being, but I was still unsure because I didn’t have any experience. I knew that I wanted to have sex with him, I just didn’t know if I wanted that right now . 

Of course there was also the side of me that wanted to have sex with him right now. I’m eighteen and I’ve never even been kissed. I want to experience the things I’ve missed out on, and I have had the dirtiest fantasies of probably any teenage boy out there.

But then, it also made me excited. I was nervous, but I really did want it. Does that make me bad? Should I not want it? I mean, he is twenty years my senior. He’s only a couple years younger than my father, and there was something taboo about that. Despite that, I couldn’t really picture losing my virginity to anybody else at this moment. I didn’t really know what it was that was drawing me to the man, but whatever it is, it felt very good. 

As we were walking into the house, Blake had his hand on my lower back, making all my focus go to the sensation of his warmth radiating into my skin. I couldn’t even think straight with his touch on my skin. Wrong maybe, but I didn’t care. At this moment, I didn’t really care. All I needed is to have him guide me as stupid as it sounded. 

His age was such a turn on to me, I don’t really know to be honest why. My dad is ugly in my opinion, so it’s not because I want to fuck my dad. I think it could be because he makes me feel safe, secure in some way. 

He sat down on the couch and I sat down on the couch beside him, close enough to feel the heat radiating off of him. “So, first off I want to lay out boundaries.” He started, and I nodded, looking at him through my eyelashes shyly. “When you’re in trouble for any reason, you don’t get to sit on the couch. You must kneel in front of me. I don’t like to worry about positions much, because to me they seem rather pointless.” I nodded in understanding, biting my lip. “As of today, until we both agree it’s time to separate, you are mine, and because you are mine, that means I am yours.” He explained. 

“Does that mean I’ll be the only… submissive,” the word came out whispered, like I was afraid someone was going to hear it, “you’ll be involved with?” I asked shyly, and he nodded his head. 

“Just as I will be the sole dominant for you. I may, if you agree to it, let you be shared, but only if that’s something we are both comfortable with.” He said softly, and I nodded. “I don’t much like sharing myself, but sometimes it can be interesting.” He looked over me, and cocked his head to the left, “What are your views on that?” 

“I don’t much like the idea of being shared,” I admitted. “I am sure that over the past couple of years I’ve had a fantasy or two about being shared, but honestly, they have been so few and far between I can’t even name off the times.” I admitted softly. 

“See, there is the idea. What you need to do is, if I mention something that makes you feel uncomfortable or nervous in any way you must feel safe enough to inform me of it. I want you to be my submissive, but in order for us to work out, you must be able to trust that I’ll protect you. Do you trust me, Ash?” He asked me softly, and I sucked in a breath and thought a moment. 

“I do,” I answered, my voice surprisingly steady. I wasn’t hesitant, I knew that I trusted him. I didn’t get an uneasy feeling around him. There was something about him that made me feel like I was safe, protected even if I didn’t really know him. 

“Good,” He replied easily with a smile playing at the corners of his lips. “You’re a gorgeous boy, and I can’t wait to train you to be the perfect submissive for me.” 

For some reason, his compliment made my chest warm with happiness, and I couldn’t determine whether or not it was lust, or just excitement. “I can’t wait either, sir.” I whispered, blushing brightly. 

“Now, as embarrassing as it probably is I need to know how far you’ve gone with a guy. Or girl, either way.” He told me, and I blushed brightly, lowering my eyes away from his. 

“I’ve never… done anything.” I said cryptically. I didn’t want to admit to this sexy, experienced man that I’d never even been kissed. It was a bit too… embarrassing for my taste. 

“Anything being?” He prodded, and I bit my lip, looking nervously up into his eyes. 

“Anything at all.” I whispered. “I’ve never had a boyfriend, never had a girlfriend. I have never been kissed, touched, or fucked.” I finally admitted, my cheeks turning red as I fought off the embarrassment swimming over me in waves. 

“Well,” he trailed off, blinking back shock. “I knew you’d never had sex because you told me that when I was teasing you, but… ah.” He sighed and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be embarrassed, it’s actually quite hot. I like the fact that I’ve got someone that no one else has been able to touch. It’s empowering. You are a real good boy, Ashton, and I’m proud to be able to say that you’re mine.” He said and I blushed biting into my lip, and lowering my eyes. 

I didn’t know how to respond to that, but he didn’t hold it against me. Blake put his hand on my cheek, gently tracing a line back and forth on it trailing tingles where his thumb was moving. I looked up at him through green eyes, and he looked down into my eyes, his dark, beautiful expressive eyes looked into mine. 

I felt heat radiating out around me, and my heart was beating too fast in my chest. I couldn’t breathe for a moment, lost in the sea of swimming emotions in Blake’s eyes–my masters  eyes. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to hearing that, to saying that. 

My eyes were locked with his, and there felt like sparks were shooting out around us everywhere. I felt like time had stopped entirely as we looked into each others eyes. 

Blake leaned closer to me, and I instantly leaned closer to him with a blush on my cheeks. My face was red hot, and I could feel my heart beating fast, hear it beating in my chest. I could hear my blood rushing through my veins, and I could feel my breath deciding to slow down drastically. 

Suddenly, Blakes warm, soft yet slightly chapped lips brushed against mine, and I gasped softly. Our lips moved together in a soft, yet demanding kiss. His tongue teased my lips and I parted my lips in a quiet, helpless whimper. I felt my eyes slip closed as our lips moved together a bit.

His tongue entered my mouth swiftly, and I couldn’t breathe. He tasted a bit like mint and what he’d ate for dinner, and despite my hatred for meat, I didn’t mind it all that much. I found myself eagerly kissing him back, slightly sloppy but I wasn’t too worried because the longer we kissed, the better it began to feel. 

It felt like he was sucking the life out of me, leaving me breathless, but euphoric. My dick was solid in my pants, and I bet anything if I was to shift the wrong way I’d cum all over myself… just from this kiss. He pulled away from my lips for a moment and I sucked in a breath before our lips were reattached. I found myself moaning and pushing closer to him. 

Our noses gently brushed as he pulled my face closer to his own and I followed him, desperate for more. His slightly chapped lips moved faster against mine, and I kept up with him well even though I had no previous experience. 

I whimpered softly, suddenly realizing in an excited thought, I’m finally losing my first kiss! I thought it might have made me nervous, but if anything it only made me more eager to continue on. Heat was radiating between Blake and I, and I had never felt anything so… good.  

I ran my fingers through his hair, my entire body aching for more. I could feel myself getting a bit light headed from lack of oxygen, but I couldn’t bare to pull away. Not yet. 

I wanted so much more… 

Blake pulled away slowly, me trying to trail after him but he shot me a look that made me pout. “You have to breathe, dear.” He teased, running a slightly calloused hand over my ear, pulling my hair back behind it. I blushed and looked down, shy. 

I couldn’t seem to get enough air, but I honestly couldn’t have cared less. The heat in my body wasn’t going away, and there was something so… erotic about Blake’s dark eyes looking into mine like he’d never seen this before… seen me  before. It wasn’t much helping my cock, it was still desperately hard in my pants. I knew that I wanted nothing more than for him to continue that kiss, and I seriously couldn’t think of any reason not to. Every part of me wanted it. 

That was amazing. I’d never felt anything like that before. Is it always so… nerve-wrackingly sexy? I couldn’t answer that question for myself, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t take long until I could. 

I was still panting slightly while Blake gently ran his fingers through my hair, me slightly purring as I looked up at him. 

Even if he only held my hand, I had a feeling it’d still feel this… hot. I hadn’t been able to come up with a better word to describe any of this, except hot. And not in a ‘you’re so damn hot,’ way, it was more of a ‘you’re playing with fire and you’re gonna get burned,’ hot. 

But honestly, I didn’t care if I got burned as long as Blake was there with me. My heart was still racing, but I couldn’t be bothered with it. “You’ll be needing to get home soon,” He said softly, disappointment lacing his words. 

“I might can stay the night sometime, since I live so close.” I whispered, looking up at him through my lashes. I didn’t really know how that comment would go over with him. I knew he wanted me, but did he really want me that way? Did he want me to spend the night with him? To share his bed with him? Did he want that, or was that only… me? 

Was I making more out of his dominant and submissive thing than it was? I didn’t really know the answer to that, either. 

“Honestly,” He said, his voice drawing my attention immediately, “I would prefer to take your virginity when we had the time, like say if you spent the night any time soon.” I nodded softly. 

“Okay,” I whispered, unsure if I could find my voice. Around him, I didn’t have a voice. When I’m home, I can get a bit loud, I wasn’t typically shy, nor nervous around people like this. He is special, so special… And I don’t even know that much about him. 

All I really knew was that he made me feel… alive. “Do you want to know why I’m going to wait?” He asked me, and I nodded. “Because when I finally get to fuck you, I want to take my time exploring every inch of your body. I want to take my time making you cum and cum until you’re absolutely positive you won’t be able to cum anymore. I want to watch you fall apart underneath me, watch you beg for me to go harder, faster…” He trailed off and I whimpered quietly, closing my eyes as a wave of desire washed over me. 

Oh how bad I wanted that to be tonight. “Maybe I can stay tomorrow night, if that isn’t too soon.” I asked softly, and he smirked. 

“I know you’re excited, but think about it tonight, and decide. I may be your dominant, but I still want you to be sure. You giving up your virginity is a big thing, and I will be honored to take it, but I want you to know you’re happy with your decision.” He said, and I nodded my head. I could totally understand that. “Now, lets get you home before your parents think I’ve kidnapped you.” He teased, and I blushed, looking down at my hands as he weaved his fingers through mine and pulled me up off of the couch. 

He led me to the door, and stopped me there. “Would you like me to walk you home?” He asked, and I shook my head. 

“I would,” I admitted, “But my parents might find it slightly odd that you walked me home. Especially if I decide to stay the night tomorrow. They’d definitely know something was up.” I looked down at my feet, nervously. I didn’t want him to realize how scared of my parents I truly was. 

My parents never abused me, they always spent time with me, and told me they loved me… but they were not  accepting of gays. They hardly spoke of it, but when they did it wasn’t pleasant. 

“Come over to help around nine am. We’ll get you fed a nice breakfast, so don’t eat before you come. And Ash, if you decide to spend the night, wear those lacy blue panties you wore last night to bed.” He told me, and I blushed. 

“Blue, or black?” I asked timidly, and he smirked. 

“With your complexion? Black.” He said softly, and I nodded. He leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips, before looking down at me. “And, just so you know, I really enjoyed that little show you gave me last night, but don’t think that if you do it again I won’t fuck you until you scream so loudly everyone on the street will know what a little slut the good boy can be.” 

I knew rationally him calling me a slut should have bothered me, but did I care? Nope. It only served to turn me on more, if that was possible. A flicker of something crossed his face as he realized I liked it, and I blushed, looking down at my feet again. He tilted my head up so he could look into my eyes. “Get home, we’ll talk tomorrow. It’s already almost eleven, and you shouldn’t anger your mother.” 

Though rationally I should care, I didn’t. I didn’t want to leave yet, but I knew I had to. So, I walked out the door, turning once more to glance back at Blake before I walked home, feeling his eyes follow me all the way home. It wasn’t until I got into the house that he closed his own door, and I couldn’t describe how amazing that felt. 

As I walked up the steps and entered my room, closing the door and stripping out of my clothes, I felt like I was floating. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to spend the night tomorrow night, and I was going to love every single moment of it.

6. єℓυ¢ι∂αтισи

(A/n: There is graphic content in this chapter that might not be appropriate for younger readers. Please be aware before you continue on in this chapter that from this point forward there will be sexual content. Do not complain about it, seeing as how I’ve warned you all.)

I beg and plead for your touch, your simply like a drug I can’t get enough of. I’ve never felt this before, but please don’t let this stop.

A S H T O N

I set it up to where I was spending the night. I had no idea that it’d go that well, but overall I couldn’t have been happier. I packed my bag as I got ready to walk to Blake’s house, and I could barely contain myself. I’d had to lie and say that I was going to help him rearrange furniture, but I didn’t care. Not now, and I knew I wouldn’t care later. 

I’d done just what he’d told me to. I thought long and hard about losing my virginity, and I decided I was ready. I’d been ready for a long time, honestly. I just hadn’t met anyone worth giving it up for. 

Now, I just couldn’t wait to get there. 

I mean, obviously we aren’t going to just hop in bed and fuck like bunnies. I know that we are going to take it slow, and he’s going to make it comfortable. Inside my head I’d complain about it, if it didn’t make me feel… safe . 

I know it sounds stupid, but knowing that he cared enough to make me comfortable through the whole ordeal made my insides flutter and my heart race. I’d never had a man care about me this way, and in some way, it made me feel free. It made me feel like giving up my good-boy status was worth it. 

I know I haven’t really known him long enough to just jump into bed with him, especially as a virgin but there was something in my head, in my body telling me to trust him… trust everything he’s told me.

I knew that it made me look easy, but I didn’t care. I was finally going to lost my virginity. And that alone made my heart race in my chest. After having lost my first kiss to him, it only felt fitting that he take my virginity too.

If I was listening to someone else say this, I probably would have rolled my eyes, but… this felt right. So, I walked up to his door, the black lacy panties I’d been instructed to wear under my too tight jeans. I’d been sure to wear them, knowing that he’d told me to made me feel… dirty. 

I kind of liked it. He opened the door and looked over me, and smirked lightly. He opened the door and let me in. I followed him all the way up to his room, and sat my bag down where he told me to. 

Before I had time to prepare myself, he pressed his lips firmly against mine. I whimpered quietly and sank into the kiss, surrendering myself entirely to his dominance. When he finally pulled away, I was left gasping for air, unsure of what I did to be kissed so hard and so passionately. 

I didn’t ask and he didn’t comment, so I guessed it wasn’t that important. After he fed me waffles, maple syrup, orange juice and some sliced fruit we sat down on the couch. 

“Did you think about what we talked about last night?” He asked me confidently, and I nodded my head easily. 

“I decided I was ready.” I told him. “I want to do this… right or wrong. I know it’s too soon but… I want it. I want you .” I whispered, looking down at my hands. 

“Then go up to my room and strip down to nothing but your panties, and lay in the center of my bed. I will be up shortly.” He said, and I nodded my head. I hesitated before looking up at him. He raised an eyebrow. 

“A-are you clean?” I asked, and he nodded, shooting me a questioning look. “I-I would like my first time to be…” I trailed off embarrassedly. 

“Ah, you want it bare.” The way he said it made me blush brightly and lower my lashes. He stepped closer to me and pushed my face up with a finger softly. “Submissives often want to feel closer to their owners. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a common thing.” He told me, and I nodded, looking down. 

“Yes sir,” I agreed, and he smirked some. 

“Go do as you were told.” He commanded, and I immediately did as he told me to. 

Once I got up to his room, I pulled off my clothes and laid in the center of his bed, only in my panties. I couldn’t fight off the wave of embarrassment that came from wearing them, even if it was just to entice him. I’d bought them as a gag gift for myself, not because I wore them often. Though they were comfortable, I didn’t typically wear them often. I only wore them when I was horny and wanted to really feel… it.

Blake came in shortly after and paused at the door, looking over my body slowly in admiration. The look in his eyes was lustful, needy, and I knew that mine reflected exactly what his did. He stalked over to me, crawling up and resting his entire body over mine. I felt every inch of his warm, hard body on top of my overtly sensitive body.

 I looked up at him and whined quietly. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine, lighting a fire inside of me. His lips moved fast against mine, his tongue teasing my lips. I opened my mouth and felt him slip his tongue past my lips.  Blake was balancing over me, his lips moving quickly but precisely. 

Blake’s warmth was all over me, and I was burning up hot, needy for his touch. I whimpered, moving my lips faster, needier as he ran his fingers over my neck softly. I couldn’t help the way I arched up, pressing myself against his body. 

My dick was so hard in my underwear that I couldn’t focus on anything but the way the soft, lacy fabric was rubbing against my hardness. The sensation was euphoric, but then again, everything was euphoric at this moment. Blake slowly trailed one of his hands down my body and gently ran his fingers over my cock. I whimpered, my face turning red from embarrassment. 

His lips danced with mine, our tongues stroking each other softly as he touched me. I moaned, my fingers slipping into his hair and tugging, pulling away from his lips to pant for air. I pulled his hair hard, moaning as his hand slowly trailed up and down my lace covered cock. 

The feeling of his warm, slightly calloused hand caressing my cock through the material had me gasping and wrapping my fingers around his wrist, arching. “Does that feel good, love?” He whispered against my ear, his breath fanning my neck making me moan. 

“Mhmmm…” I moaned, tightening my grasp as he moved his hand some. His hand was driving me crazy, and he hadn’t even wrapped his entire hand around me yet. It was merely just some heavy petting that was getting me so needy. 

Suddenly, I felt him slip his finger a little under the waistband of the panties I was wearing and I couldn’t help the spark of excitement that caused me to arch up into the caress. When he wrapped his warm fingers around my cock, I gasped loudly and gripped his hair harder than I thought was right, but couldn’t help it. I wanted more. 

His hand gripped my cock painfully hard and I cried out, “Pup, you’ve got to calm down a bit. If you cum too quickly, I won’t fuck you.” I shook my head in understanding, and bit into my lip. I couldn’t breathe, the way he called me pup had my heart skipping a beat and my body was on fire, and I was already on the edge of cumming. 

“H-how do I stop…” I trailed off, gasping as I fought the urge to cum. I couldn’t even get a firm enough grasp on reality to look him in the eyes. I was shaking all over, my entire body was out of control. 

“You focus, breathe pup.” I tensed my cock dripping on my groin as he called me pup again. I don’t know why that’s such a damn turn on but fuuuuck… “Relax, pup. I need you to breathe, and relax your body. I’ll stop touching you if you can’t.” 

I gasped, “Please no!” it was instinct for me to beg him not to, and he shot me a look. I whimpered, looking up at him with desperation in my eyes. 

“Follow directions,” he commanded. I took a slow, easy breath and forced myself to relax. “Good boy… now, breathe, relax and focus on my voice. Can you do that?” I nodded, closing my eyes and biting my lip softly as I forced myself to do as he said. “Pup, I’m going to go a little faster, and you’re not going to cum until I give you permission.” I moaned softly and nodded. 

His hand started moving on my cock a bit faster, making me moan quietly. I couldn’t believe that I’d never felt this… done this before. I wanted more. 

“Please…” I whined, squeezing my eyes shut tightly at the feelings washing over me. I didn’t know what I was begging for, only that whatever it was, I needed it more than I’d ever needed anything. 

“What do you want, pup?” He asked me, and I moaned, arching my back for more. “Do you want me to fuck you? To touch you, to take you?” The way he said it made me writhe underneath him  and nod desperately. “I want to hear you say it, pup.” 

“I want you to fuck me daddy.” I moaned, then paused in mortification. Did I really just call him daddy? Despite my humiliation, my cock only got harder, and I couldn’t decipher the look in his eyes. 

“Oh fuck,” He groaned and pulled himself off of me, pulling down the panties and throwing them with a pent up hatred I’d never seen before. “Prop your legs up and spread them. I want to see that beautiful little hole of yours.” He said, and I did as he told me without complaint. 

He grabbed the lube from under the pillow and put some on his fingers before he gently massaged my hole, making me moan. He pushed one slick finger into me. I moaned loudly and arched my body up wanting it deeper. “More, please daddy I want you to give me more.” My begging did nothing but make him smirk and look over me as he pressed another finger into my hole, making me whimper loudly and arch my back into his body. “Just please fuck me!” I begged, unsure where I’d gotten all of the courage that I’m displaying. 

In my head, I guess I thought that I was a porn star, living my life to be fucked repeatedly by men. But in reality, I’m a little virgin who, up until just recently had never even been touched romantically, let alone fucked. I guess I never really pictured my first time this way… or anyway at all. Is that bad? Maybe I’ve become a whore. 

I couldn’t force myself to care as he slipped his fingers out of my hole and pressed himself against me, making me whimper in shock and rut against him. “Pup calm down, I’m too big for you to be rushing this. You have to let me take this slow. We’ve got to ease into this, even if it hurts. I know you’re going to have a hard time with it, but I didn’t even decently prepare you because you are too needy. I need you to make a decision here. Do you want to calm your ass down so I can thoroughly prepare you and then you get fucked hard, or do you want me to slowly enter you and then once you get adjusted get fucked hard.” 

I whimpered, looking up at him with flushed red cheeks. “I just want to be fucked, sir.” After having called him daddy twice, sir coming out of my mouth felt… wrong. He shot me a look of disapproval and wrapped his hand around my throat. At first I tensed, but when he didn’t apply pressure enough to make me struggle, I calmed down and looked up at him. 

His hand at first had been frightening, but it calmed me down and I was able to think clearly. Besides, my cock obviously didn’t disapprove because it leaked onto my stomach. “Focus. I’m going to press in. If at any time you struggle to breathe because of my hand, or if it becomes to much, say Lucy.” He commanded me, and I wrote it to memory, but I doubted that I’d ever use it. His tip touching my hole had me gasping, but I could hardly process how amazing this felt. 

He entered me slowly, but I could hardly breathe as he went deeper and deeper inside of me. I wasn’t struggling to breathe because of his hand… it was out of ecstasy. I gripped his wrist, shaking all over. 

It hurt like hell, but underneath all the pain, there was ecstasy. And that ecstasy was making my entire body writhe. “Pleaseee…” I whimpered, gripping his wrist in my hand as he controlled even my breathing. Is it typically this way? 

It seemed like forever before he stilled on top of me, and I had tears running down my cheeks but it didn’t faze me. “Ash baby, breathe…” Blake murmured in my ear. I shook my head, pleasure welling up inside of me.

“It doesn’t hurt,” I whimpered, looking at him slowly as pleasure coursed through my body. “It hurts so good… please more, daddy.” I cried, burying my face in his neck. 

“Ash, I need you to adju–” before he could finish, I bit into my lip hard and wiggled my hips. He groaned in my ear, tightening his grip on my hips. I continued moving my hips, despite his ever tightening grip on my hips. “I ought to just call you trouble,” He grunted before he slowly began thrusting inside of me. “I should pull out and make you suffer with that erection, the only reason I don’t is you’re a virgin. This is all new to you. Though with how needy and demanding you are, I would never believe it if I didn’t see first hand how shy and sweet you are.” 

His words shouldn’t have been such a turn on. I mean, he was talking about punishing me, but… it only made my cock leak some more onto my stomach. “Fucking tight little bitch,” He groaned in my ear, and I tensed slightly, fighting back an orgasm. Why did that turn me on so much? “Oh you like that, don’t you, slut?” 

I moaned out, digging my nails into his back. He went harder into me, hitting something inside of me making me squeal and grip him harder. “Daddy!” I cried, biting into his shoulder to quiet myself. 

“Don’t you dare silence yourself, slut.” He growled, biting down on my neck. It should have hurt, really… but I only moaned and arched my neck for more. 

I wanted everything more. More, more, moreeee. I wanted it harder, faster, deeper… I wanted so much, and I didn’t even begin to know how to ask for it. He sped up more, and I shivered underneath him, my nails dragging down his back. His groan resonated through the air as he picked me up off the bed. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding onto him. 

With this position he could go harder, faster… and fuck me if it didn’t feel like he was reaching deeper inside of me. “What is that!” I cried, shaking my head as everything began to overwhelm me. 

“Cum!” He demanded me, harshly. I couldn’t tell if it was lust that flooded through me at the look in his eyes or if it was ecstasy from cumming so hard, but suddenly, my entire world went white, and everything around me dissolved into nothing but the feeling of him still thrusting inside of me. 

I was shuddering underneath Blake, but I’d never felt so amazing in my life. He made my entire body clench up and I couldn’t breathe. He kept thrusting slowly into me, but I was too high too care. 

Blake’s rough, deep grunt in my ear made my skin prickle with an unusual feeling, and I could barely think as I felt him releasing inside of me. I whimpered softly, burying my face in his neck as I rode out the rest of my orgasm. 

As soon as he came, he rested his body down on top of me. I felt safe, buried underneath the warmth of his larger body. I couldn’t imagine my first time being any different. He was panting on top of me, my breathing matching his exactly as we calmed down. “You’re a good boy,” He whispered, slowly petting me. I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes, looking up into his. “How do you feel?” 

“Fucking amazing,” I whispered, my throat feeling sore from the noises that I’d been letting out, obviously louder than I thought. 

He turned us over a bit, slowly pulling out of me as he laid my head on his side. Despite everything that had just happened, I still felt shy, but I didn’t have the energy to show it. 

My eyes began closing slowly, and I slowly drifted off to sleep, my entire body buzzing lightly from the pleasure still coursing through my body.

7. ¢αρтιναтισи

I cannot help but worship you, you’re beautiful and sexy, you own me. And once again I’m completely captivated by you, and the power you emit.

A S H T O N

I woke up cuddled up to Blake’s chest, his larger body practically covering my own. I didn’t mind it much, even though I was sweating a bit. I found that it made me feel cherished, cared for… Something I’d never felt before in my life.

I knew my parents loved me, but it never felt this way. Knowing that Blake was shielding me from the outside world made me feel utterly free, and there was something so sexual, yet innocent about it. I hadn’t felt anything like this before… ever. Blake was warming me like a furnace, and despite me sweating slightly, I cuddled deeper into his chest.

His warmth was comforting, and I loved it. I couldn’t tell you what time it was yet, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care if my parents walked in right now, because I loved this feeling.

My heart was thumping excitedly in my chest, and with every breath that he took, I felt myself getting antsy. Honestly, underneath him made me feel safe, but it did not stop me from getting aroused. Feeling his naked body on top of mine was euphoric, and I couldn’t really explain to anyone besides myself why.

This was different, this was… safe. This was everything. Blake groaned quietly as I squirmed underneath him, and tightened his hold on me tenfold. “Stop.” He growled, his morning voice husky and deep making my cock harden furthermore. I immediately stopped moving, but whimpered quietly.

My hormones didn’t appreciate the way his scent seemed to wash over me, or how his voice was deep and husky, or how he was enveloping me in a delicious warmth that didn’t allow for me to be cool enough to calm down.

My body being naked beneath his didn’t do much to help that fact, but honestly, I couldn’t care less. His warmth was sinking into my own and I couldn’t describe how amazing it felt. Is this the way that it always feels to wake up in the arms of your lover? To know that you’re cherished and cared for? Is this what everyone talks about?

Or maybe it’s the warmth in my chest, the way I feel unstoppable. Maybe it’s the way my body seemed to melt into his, and we fit perfectly together in every way. Maybe it was the way his husky morning voice made my heart race. Maybe it was the way I felt like nothing could touch me. Maybe it was the way he had smiled at me when he woke up, the gentleness behind the smile…

Maybe it was all of it.

Maybe I was falling in love with him. And as quickly as I got into bed with him, I wouldn’t doubt it. I had never had a relationship before him, and though this is my first relationship, it’s moved incredibly fast and it was incredibly sexy. I wouldn’t change anything about it. Blake was the perfect man for me.

He touched me gently, carefully. He made me feel loved, cared for… he made me feel alive. He made me feel like a good boy, but not the type that everyone expected me to be.

I would never regret losing my first kiss to him or my virginity. I would never regret this time with him, it was too precious.

I wasn’t stupid, and I knew that this wouldn’t last. I’m too young, he’s so much older, so much more controlled. He’s got everything planned out, and I’m only graduating high-school soon. I’ve got nothing planned.

“Stop thinking so much,” Blake growled in my ear, licking the shell of it lightly. I moaned quietly, arching up into his arms. “You’re worrying, and it’s okay.” He whispered softly, kissing a soft spot on my ear.

“B-Blake…” I choked out, lust crawling up into my body as he gently maneuvered me to where he wanted me. His hard dick brushed against my smaller one, and he pressed a slightly rougher kiss to my lips, making me moan and arch into his mouth.

He slowly started trailing kisses down my neck, the slight dusting of his five o’clock shadow brushing against my skin. I couldn’t help but melt into his touch as he looked over me as he pulled back, “You’re gorgeous, baby.” He groaned into my ear when he leaned back down over me, nipping at the lobe of my ear.

I didn’t have time to respond because he began kissing me rougher than he’d ever kissed me. The roughness though initially made my heart race in nervousness, made my cock harden more in between us and I whimpered, pushing my body up against his, grinding a bit.

He didn’t comment, just kept kissing me, and gripped my hips tightly in his hands while grinding against me roughly. I moaned softly and pushed up into him. He grunted in my ear and I whimpered softly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, “Please…” I begged him softly, looking up at him with desperation in my eyes. “I need…” I didn’t really know what I need. I just knew that whatever it was I needed, I needed it really badly.

“I know, love. I know.” I blushed and bit into my bottom lip, looking up at him in what I hoped was a sweet way. I don’t know what he saw in my eyes, but whatever it was he reacted brazenly.

But, I enjoyed every moment of it.

~ + ~

The next time I opened my eyes, I couldn’t move. Granted, I couldn’t have easily moved with him on top of me last time, but this time there was an aching pain at the base of my spine that was preventing me from moving.

I whimpered softly, shifting closer to the warmth that Blake was emitting. I sighed and shifted close as I could possibly get and he laughed softly, and pressed a kiss to my head. “Baby, you’re adorable.” He said softly and I blushed brightly looking up at him. “I assume you’re pretty sore, yes?” I nodded and he smirked at me.

“Good, that means you got fucked real good. Now, I’m going to run you a bath.” He said, getting up out of the bed and walking to his bathroom. “And I know you probably would like me to bathe with you, but I’ll never be able to resist you with you naked and wet.”

I blushed brightly and looked over at him as he stood above me. “I can’t sit up.” I whispered shyly, and he just smirked a bit more. I bit my lip and watched as he walked into the bathroom and listened as he started the water.

I’m not sure how long he was gone, but honestly I fell back to sleep, cuddled up to his bed. He smelled so good, and I couldn’t help it. His scent made me feel so safe, and I couldn’t rationally explain why.

I woke to the soft and sweet feeling of his lips gently teasing at my neck, and his hard body pressing me into the bed. I moaned softly, wrapping my arms around his neck and arched my neck so he’d have more room.

“Love, wake up,” He whispered softly against my neck and I shook my head in displeasure. “I know love but you really do need to bathe and get the dried cum off of you. And it’ll make you feel better, so come on darling get up.” I moaned lowly and shook my head in disagreement.

He shook his head and did it again. “Wake up, lovely. Come on, open up them pretty green eyes of yours. You’re so sweet come on, lovely. Come on.” I finally cracked my eyes open just a little bit and sighed. He smiled at me, and I swear the moment he smiled at me, my heart started beating a thousand miles a minute. “Good boy, let me help you up.” He said gently and stood up. I whined, but didn’t protest as he picked me up and carried me into the bathroom.

He sat me down on the counter, and I whimpered as pain shot up my spine. “Damn, baby.” He whispered, looking over me. I blushed, and looked down, seeing lovebites and bruises all over my chest. “You bruise so easily, don’t you, love?” He asked me teasingly and I nodded my head shyly. I couldn’t tell if that was good or bad. I hoped it wasn’t bad, at least.

“I really do…” I whispered, blushing and running my fingers over my sides and gently mapping the bruises to memory. “How am I going to hide these?” I whispered and he shrugged.

“You could stay again tonight, but I bet that’d be pretty fishy, wouldn’t it?” He asked and I nodded. “We’ll figure that out later. I need to get you soaking. You’re going to be sore.” I nodded as he picked me back up.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I felt like a child but I’m not going to lie, it kind of turned me on. Him babying me made me feel good. It made me feel like he loved me, and even if it was way too soon for that, I didn’t care. I loved it. I loved this feeling.

He didn’t speak as he sat me down in the tub, his gentle hands forcing me to release him from my grasp. I whimpered but looked down and didn’t protest again. I didn’t really know what else to do. I wanted him close to me all the time. I can’t help it. I guess it’s just me being crazy, right? Too crazy. But… I couldn’t help it. I wanted him around me all the time. Getting attached too quickly, aren’t I?

But honestly, I couldn’t convince myself I shouldn’t. I felt like this was right. I felt like I belonged here. Honestly, why do I have to do this to myself? I know he doesn’t want to be with me forever. But to me… I know that’s something I’d like.

I looked down at the bubbly water and sighed deeply, soaking my sore body. “What’s eating you?” He murmured as he got down on his knees beside me and grabbed the loofa and began washing me. I bit my lip and shrugged my shoulders.

Obviously I couldn’t tell him that I was falling in love with him this quick. That’d only show him how young and naïve I am. I would like to at least have a chance at keeping him.

“It’s nothing…” I trailed off looking down at the bubbly water. The bubbles got more intense as the water from the loofa was rinsing down my body.

“Ashton, tell me what’s wrong.” He demanded gently and I looked down at my hands that were playing with the water nervously.

“It’s just…” I started, looking up at him shyly before looking back down at my hands, “I feel like I’m moving way too fast. Like, not our relationship but my feelings for you.” I admitted and he nodded his head and trailed a gentle hand down my side as he rinsed my body. “I mean, I know rationally that I shouldn’t… but I can’t help it.”

“Ashton, you’re young.” I blushed and nodded, keeping my eyes down away from his face. “It’s because one, this is your first relationship. You’ve never felt anything like it before, and you are reading your feelings the way anybody would. Innocently. Two, you just lost your virginity. It doesn’t mean you’ve put on rose colored glasses, but relationships get more intense after sex—relationships, feelings… it’s not your fault. It’s completely natural to feel more deeply than you think you should.” The way he explained it made me nod and I realized he was probably right.

He had points, I’d never even been kissed before him. He’s my first everything, and that’s something to be said. He didn’t just take my first kiss, he took all of me. And I guess that would make things more intense, especially to me because I’d never been with someone that way.

Him explaining everything to me made me feel better. I knew that it would though, but… I still thought that I would be put out and never spoken to again. I didn’t know why that made me so scared… probably because I was falling for him.

But falling was okay, as long as it wasn’t something that ended me in the grave. I could handle the pain of rejection from anybody… but Blake.

I let him get me out and he took me back to bed, holding me gently in his arms, giving me care and attention, efficiently ending my fears.

Those fears can be fears later. Right now, this is happy. This is where I want to be. So that’s all I need for now. Until something happens and he doesn’t want me anymore, I’ll be happy with just this—with being his slave.

It felt right, I had never felt more human… more alive. I love it. That’s all I need.

8. αв∂ι¢αтισи

Giving up power to you is so natural to me, I feel like I don’t even have to try. It’s obvious to me that this is where I belong.

A S H T O N

I couldn’t get Blake out of my head. I bet that is because he absolutely made me crazy. I hadn’t been able to think about anything but him taking me to get a collar later today. I’d told my mom that he was taking me to the mall, and when she said that she would’ve taken me if I had of asked, I told her that it was lame to go somewhere with your parents. She merely smirked and rolled her eyes at me.

I’d ran up the stairs and taken a shower, pulling out a pair of the panties I’d bought myself. I only had two pairs, because I didn’t wear them often. I had washed them both, because I knew that I’d be wearing them a lot. I loved how it felt to have them on under my pants, feeling like I’ve got a dirty little secret… that turned me on. I guess it’s because I’ve always been ‘good’ and ‘pure’ so having something this… taboo… this dirty…

I shivered. I looked over myself after I got dressed, and pulled my long blonde hair up into a bun. I couldn’t help but admire how feminine I looked.

I smiled a bit and tugged on the tee that I’d bought and couldn’t deny that I really did look like a girl. Most boys took after their fathers in the looks department, but I took after my mother. I’m short, thin, and a bit curvy. I’m barely a hundred and five pounds, but my hips are bit wider, making my body look like that of a girl.

I shook my head and looked over myself, contemplating putting on makeup. I couldn’t help but grab a tube of lip gloss and apply it lightly to my lips. I knew that I couldn’t really wear makeup because my moms home, but if she asked I could just say my lips were chapped.

Of course they weren’t, but she didn’t know that. I took better care of my body than she did, and it was weird to say that.

I applied moisturizer, shaved my body hair, and kept the dead ends off my hair. I had taken pride in my appearance because it was the only thing my parent’s couldn’t control. I can look as girly as I want, and they never commented.

I learned how to manipulate my parents at a young age, had gotten close to them and been their good boy so that when this time came, they’d possibly not take it so bad. I mean, it’s not like I expected them to suddenly be changed as people, but I hoped that they didn’t go all ‘BURN THE GAYS’ on me.

I sighed and looked out the window, seeing Blake’s jeep parked in front of my house, and I gasped, looking over myself in the mirror quickly. I ran down the stairs, grabbing my backpack. “Bye mom! See ya later!” I called, and ran out to his jeep.

I stood outside of the jeep until he nodded his head and I hopped in, pulling the buckle around me. I stopped, and watched as he nodded at me. I buckled it up and looked down at my lap, shy. “Hello, love.” Blake said as I sat there beside him blushing brightly.

“Hello Master.” I whispered, and he smirked at me. I blushed as I realized that I just made it pretty clear that I did some research on this. I mean, I guess that was understandable, but still it was embarrassing.

“How was your night?” He asked me, and I shrugged, chancing a glance up at him. “Mine was rather uneventful.” He said and looked over at me and took my hand without asking. I giggled a bit, and blushed as I realized that I giggled.

“I was bored, mostly.” I admitted. “I did some research, and I found some stuff out.” I said, feeling safe as we pulled out onto the main road. He nodded, and glanced over at me, but keeping his eyes on the road for the most part.

“Did you come across anything you’d like explanation for?” He asked, and I nodded.

“Well, collaring… that’s a sign of control right?” I asked, and he nodded. “From what I read, it was for more permanent couples?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Well, that is correct.” He said, and never taking his eyes off the road. “Typically a collar is a form of a promise ring for a D/S relationship.” I nodded and bit my lip, looking over at him.

“So, does that mean we’re…” I trailed off, and looked down at my legs again.

“Ash, I was serious. We’ve just met, but I’m not looking for just a bed buddy. If I was, I would’ve never gone to bed with you.” He said, and I blushed, biting my lip. “I’m not in love with you, but it could be something that happened in the future. I’m too old to be jumping from boy to boy.” He said, and I shook my head. “I would like to think that this is something that’ll last. I’m not promising anything, because things happen, and people change. But, I want you to be my long-term slave.” He explained, and I nodded.

“And training…” I said, looking down at my hands playing together in my lap. “From what I read, I see that typically slaves are trained by someone other than their masters. When their master trains them, it says that it’s different. Why is that?”

“The master that trains a sub always has a special bond with them.” He explained. “For a master, it’s more of a… duty to the slave. But to the sub, or slave, depending on whether you’re purely into D/S or S/M, the slave will always have a sense of loyalty for the master that trains them. There’s always an emotional connection between the two.” I nodded my head, and watched his lips moving. “When a master who plans on keeping a first time submissive, he or she typically trains them personally. Firstly, it molds the sub into the perfect sub for the master. Second, it forms a bond that can’t easily be broken.”

“So, basically it makes the couple closer?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Basically speaking, yes.” He said, and I nodded my head, biting my lip. “That’s why when we had sex, it was so intense. You know all the feelings you felt? That was because it was your first. And don’t get me wrong, I felt the same way, just not as intensely.” I blushed, nodding my head.

A few minutes passed of silence and then we pulled up in front of a little shop. “What’s this?” I asked, and he smirked, and got out, not giving me permission to get out. I sat still, waiting patiently. He came around the car and unbuckled me, helping me out of the car. He led me into the store, and I blushed as soon as I looked around.

“This is where you’re going to get a collar, Love.” He said softly, putting his arm around me. I blushed, and nodded, looking around us. The toys were crazy big, and some way too small… some of them looked painful, some looked actually pleasurable. There were some whips, different kinds of paddles, and such. I couldn’t help but imagine how hot it’d be to have one of them used on me. The thought of the pain sent a little shock of lust through me and I stiffened a moment. “Something interest you?” He whispered into my ear, and I shook my head quickly, my cheeks flooding with color. He smirked. “Ah, paddles, eh?” He teased, and I bit my lip, looking down at my feet in embarrassment. “I never took you for a pain slut.” He grinned, looking over me with a look of mischief on his face. “Interesting… this’ll be fun.” He said, and I nodded, my cheeks red.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to use a paddle for a while. You don’t even know if you’ll like being spanked. For now, everything is a bit experimental.” He said softly, and I nodded. “Now, do you see that man at the counter?” He said, and I nodded. “That is my friend Paul, and he’s going to help you and I design you a collar. I want you to pick out the decorations. Do not worry about the cost, I’ve got plenty of money to cover anything you’d like.” I nodded, blushing brightly.

“What… about my parents?” I asked shyly, and he shrugged.

“I guess you’ll have to take it off when you’re at home.” I could tell by the way he said it, he didn’t want it to be something I did, but I wasn’t ready to tell my parents. I’ll just have to be better at hiding it when I’m around them. Maybe I’ll turn it around and make it a necklace or something, claim it’s a choker.

I didn’t speak as he led me up to the counter and told me to take a seat. I did as he said respectfully, keeping my eyes lowered. I’d read online that that doms liked that. It was a sign of respect, and I wanted Blake to know I respected him as my dom.

“Hey Paul, how’ve you been?” Blake asked, and the guy smirked, looking over us both.

“I’ve been great, Ben and I are going on three years,” He said, and looked over us easily. “I see you’ve got a boy.” He said teasingly, looking over us easily. “He’s quite pretty.”

“He’s my little good boy.” Blake said easily, wrapping a possessive arm around my neck. He smirked, and looked down at me. “Say hi,” He whispered in my ear, and I bit my lip.

“Hello,” I said softly, and looked at the guy. He was quite handsome, but Blake was better. Paul was tall, but Blake was a bit taller than him. He was tanned, slightly moreso than Blake, but he wasn’t as sexy. Blake had tattoos, and they looked so damned sexy on him. Paul had blonde hair, but it was dusty looking, not quite pale, but not quite brown either.

“Hello, hon.” He said, and I bit my lip, glancing up at Blake, and he nodded at me sweetly. “Well, I can assume that since you’ve not got yourself a collar yet, that is what you’re here for, yes?” and I bit my lip and nodded softly, blushing. “Price limit?” He asked, and Blake shook his head no. “Well, we’ve got a special going on.” He said, and pulled up a picture on the computer in front of him. “Diamonds are selling for half off, because it’s close to Valentine’s Day.” He said.

“Diamonds,” He said, looking over me. “I need something that’s obviously a collar to someone that is in the scene, but not to someone who’s not.” Blake said, and the guy nodded.

“Sounds like something I can help with, I’ll design you something that is a choker, with a tag that you can easily hide.” He said, and turned the computer to me. “What color do you want the leather band?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“Can we see pink?” Blake asked, a little smirk on his face. I blushed, and looked over at the screen, seeing the pink band. It was pink, bright pink, “What about baby blue?” He asked, and the guy clicked that color. “Perfect, darling.” I nodded my head, looking over it, my cheeks red. I could see where it would match the one pair of panties that I had in that color. I bit my lip, excitement welling up inside of me. “Do you want a bell?” He asked, and I bit my lip, thinking. I nodded, thinking about how cute that’d be. “I want my initials carved into the band of the collar.” Blake said easily.

I smiled softly, thinking about how cute that’d be… when did I become such a chick? Blake leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to my neck. “Nice lip-gloss.” He teased softly into my ear. “Pink might be better for my little sissy boy,” He whispered softly into my ear. I whimpered softly and looked down at my hands playing with my fingers.

He smirked lightly and wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me close to his body. “Put diamonds all over it. Make it look like a piece of jewelry.” Blake said and I giggled softly, glad that he was okay with my parents not knowing yet. I want to tell them but… I feel like if I tell them, something bad will happen. I knew they hated gays, so there was no telling what they’d do to me.

“There is a designer in the jewelry world called Benji Raez.” The guy said, looking over him. “Just in case either of you want the initials obvious.” Paul smirked, and I nodded eagerly.

“Please…” I whispered softly, and Blake nodded his head, smirking a bit.

Blake sighed into my ear and growled, “Mine,” into my ear making me moan quietly. “How long will you take to make this?” Blake asked, and the guy looked over the design, slowly, calculating.

“About three hours.” Paul said, and smirked as he looked over us. “However, if you stay round to get it, I might to prioritize it, and get it done in an hour.” The guy said, and Blake nodded his head.

“We might buy some other things while we are here anyway, so we’ll do that. I’d like to collar my boy before I drop him off at home.” He said, and I bit my lip, blushing brightly as I looked up at him. I couldn’t help but feel admiration for my master… that’ll never get old, I don’t think.

Paul nodded, and waved us off. Blake pulled me along to the back wall, and pointed to the selves. “You see those there?” He said, pointing to them. “That is a shit ton of panties. I want you to pick out a few.” He said, and I bit my lip and looked over at him shyly.

“Master, could you pick them out?” I asked, blushing brightly. I felt like it’d be better if he picked them out because I was wearing them for him. If I was to buy some for myself, they probably wouldn’t be that great, but I knew that if he picked them out, they’d please him and I wanted that more than anything.

He smirked and nodded his head, looking over them. He grabbed one pair, a black pair that was lacey, and then a pink pair that was silk, but the sides were lace, and looked absolutely sexy. He picked out a dark purple pair that were sheer, and then a few more pairs in red, baby blue and yellow. “You’re going to look gorgeous in these.” He teased softly and I blushed brightly, looking down at them.

Time seemed to pass way too fast as he walked me around the store, telling me what different toys were used for in sex. He picked up a couple new things, a cock ring and a new dildo that wasn’t too big. When we left, I had a bright red blush on my cheeks.

I loved every moment of today though. I felt good being with him all day. I felt like I belong here, in his grasp. The entire time we’d been together today, he’d kept a hand on my shoulder, or his arms around me. I felt so safe.

I knew that when we got back to his place, he was going to collar me. I didn’t know what that meant really, besides that he was going to be giving me the collar he’d bought me, and that he was claiming me for as long as he’d have me. I couldn’t help but be excited about that, because I wanted this man to be my master for as long as possible.

I knew that my parents could figure out that I was submitting to him, but honestly, I don’t know if I care. I want him to know that I’m serious about him, and if them finding out shows him that I’m serious, well so be it. I sighed deeply, leaning against the car door. I couldn’t wait to get home—er his place. I wanted him to collar me before I had to get back to my house. I couldn’t imagine the ecstasy in being called his, wearing his collar, and being owned by him. I couldn’t wait for it, because this is what I want to be.

9: ∂є∂ι¢αтισи

I’m wholly dedicated to you, you’ve owned me since the moment I saw you.

A S H T O N

When Blake pulled into his driveway, I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to get inside. He’d bought me so many pairs of panties and a few toys that I couldn’t wait to try out. Blake led me inside and sat down on the couch. I immediately sunk to my knees beside him, looking up at him through my lashes. He looked down at me, desire in his eyes.

“I want you to take this bag upstairs and put on the blue panties.” He said, his eyes filled with a dark look. I took the bag from him shyly and dashed up the stairs. I found the bathroom and quickly pulled off all of my clothes and put on the panties. I blushed as I looked over myself in the mirror. I pulled my long blonde hair out of the small bun and let it fall loosely about to my shoulders. I then applied some more lip-gloss and bit my lip.

I look gorgeous , I can’t help but think as I look over myself. I love the way the blue offsets my green eyes and I love the way the panties make my cock look beautiful underneath it. I love the way my hair makes me look more feminine than even the panties did. I couldn’t help but want to go parading around like this all the time. Though logically I knew I couldn’t but I wanted to nonetheless.

I walked back down to Blake and dropped to my knees in front of him. “You look astonishing.” Blake said, looking over me hungrily. “Bend over the couch,” Blake tells me and I stand up, doing so. I feel him slide my panties to the side and slide a finger over my hole easily. I moaned softly and looked at the wall in front of me. He slipped a dry finger inside of me, making me moan and arch a bit. The sting of pain was there, but for some reason instead of it making me uncomfortable it only served to make my cock harden a bit. I whimpered, feeling him slide a second one in and begin scissoring me without warning.

“Calm down, pup.” He whispered hotly into my ear and I nod but moan quietly as he pulled his fingers out of me and presses something slightly larger against my hole. When he pressed it in, I could definitely feel the pain. I whimpered, squeezing my eyes shut against it, but forced myself to stay relaxed.

It seemed to take forever for it to fill me, but when it did, I moaned quietly, not completely against the pain. I thought I would be, but there wasn’t anything unenjoyable about the way it hurt.

“Does that feel good, pup?” He asked, and I whimpered, nodding my head. “It’s not too big, I don’t want to stretch out your perfect little hole yet .” He said and I blushed, keeping my head forward. “Look at me, pup.” He said, and I did as he said, looking at him with flushed cheeks. “Get down on your knees in front of me.” Though the look in his eye was cold, calculating I knew that there was an undertone of lust and desire swimming in them.

I did as he said immediately, managing to get down to my knees even with the toy inside of me. Before now, the only things I’d had inside of me had been my own fingers, his fingers and his dick, so the feeling of the strange object rubbing against my prostate was driving me equally crazy and unsure. I didn’t know what was inside of me, so I didn’t know if it’d hurt me. But then again, I trust my master with every bone in my body so I know it won’t.

He smirked and looked down at me, “I’m going to tie your hands.” He says finally and I nod, going to raise my hands for him. “No, keep them behind you.” He said. His voice was deep, filled with lust and it made me nod quickly and put my hands back behind my back where they’d been before. He comes around me, and gently tied them together with something soft, yet firm. Once he was done he looked down over me with a heat in his eyes… a fire that threatened to burn both of us.

“You look so sexy, Pup. So sexy indeed. Those beautiful green eyes, those pouty lips and that leaking cock of yours. All spread out in front of me, ready to be used.” I nodded desperately, realizing for the first time that my cock was in fact dripping all inside of my panties. I had been so focused on everything that Blake had been doing to me, I hadn’t even realized that I was painfully hard. “Ashton I’m going to collar you now. I want you to bare your neck for me.” I felt a little silly, pushing my neck out to him, but I did it anyway.

He got down on his knees in front of me, and I was amazed at how gorgeous he looked. He was so sexy, and after this, all mine. “Ashton, I promise with this collar that I will protect you, take care of you, and claim you for as long as you wear it.” He said, and I gulped a bit, my cheeks flushing with color. I didn’t know that he would say anything to me about it and now I felt like I needed to say something back.

He put the collar on me, and adjusted it to where it wasn’t too loose nor too tight. It was just enough to make me know it was there, and I loved the way it felt around my neck. “C-can I say something?” I asked shyly and he nodded his head, looking down at me.

“I don’t really know how to start?” I asked, and he looked at me, easily. “Okay, so Master, I promise that I’ll honor you, give myself to you and only you, and I will always be honest with you.” I told him shyly, my cheeks red. He smirked at me, and nodded.

“You’re such a good boy,” He told me, and I giggled softly, looking up at him. “Now, I’m getting up on the couch, you’re going to suck my dick until I decide it’s enough and then I’m going to fuck your tight little ass. Do you understand, pup?” He asked, and I nodded my head, my cock dripping into the panties at the visual he presented me with. He stood, and then walked to the couch, and left me there. I looked up at him, blushing, but confused. How the hell am I supposed to get to him? I knew that I should crawl, but I couldn’t because my hands were tied behind my back. “Come on, then,” He said easily, and I struggled to pad my way over to him on my knees. It wasn’t comfortable, but I don’t really care. I finally reached him, and sat down on my heels between his legs, looking up at him eagerly.

He unzipped his pants and pulled himself out, making me lick my lips in excitement. The way he’s got me tied up, I couldn’t reach out and grab him, and I was a little on the fence about how to handle it. He was huge, and taking only half of him into my mouth was a struggle that typically led to me failing miserably. He pressed his tip to my lips and I immediately began working on taking his cock. I licked it softly, the head and all down the sides. I have never really had one myself before, but I could imagine what would feel good to me.

Once I got it nice and wet, I took the tip into my mouth and sucked hard, making Blake moan loudly and thread his fingers through my hair. I bobbed my head tentatively on his cock, taking about one quarter of his mammoth cock down my throat. The feeling of the toy inside of me moving around made it hard to focus on his cock, but I forced myself to ignore the pleasure of the toy rubbing against my insides and only focus on his pleasure.

His cock really should be illegal, it’s so big. I couldn’t imagine having a cock as big as his hanging between my legs. Granted I am a lot thinner than him, and I don’t have the body for a huge dick. He groaned as I took as much down my throat as possible and gagged lightly. He stared at me with deep brown eyes. I wasn’t going very fast though, and my inexperience was obvious. I pulled back a bit and looked up at him with blushing cheeks.

“Can you… help?” I whispered, shyly. He smirked and nodded. I leaned back down, taking him back into my throat. I continued on, sloppily sucking on him but trying my best to make it pleasurable.

“Hollow your cheeks pup.” He commanded, and I did as he said, and he gripped my hair so hard I felt a few strands come loose but it only made my cock get a bit harder. “Okay baby now go faster. Don’t worry about gagging.” He told me, and I did as he said.

I moved my head on him, harder than I had been, a bit faster. I gagged around him, and he groaned loudly, his fingers in my hair tightening more. I couldn’t help but moan around him, and he grunted.

His eyes looked over me, and I couldn’t help but feel like a complete slut laid out in front of him. I was about naked beside my panties and the collar that he’d given me. I loved the weight of it on my neck. The way it felt rubbing against my skin as my head worked on his cock.

“God you’re such a good little slut, aren’t you?” He mused above me, his words sending little shockwaves down my length and to my core. “Sucking me like a whore, begging for it. I can’t believe the good boy next door is such a whore for dick.” His words probably would’ve offended me, if it was anybody besides him. With him saying it to me though, it didn’t bother me. I only sped up my sucking, moaning around him. With every move that I made, I could feel the toy inside of me, brushing against my sweet spot. It was only serving to make my cock harder, and drip more into the panties.

It didn’t take long for me to get used to it, and soon I was sucking him eagerly and running my tongue around him. I was slightly embarrassed about the gagging, and my face was bright red, but he seemed to enjoy it nonetheless. I couldn’t find a complaint myself, the mix of being used for his pleasure plus having something inside of me… it was really too pleasurable. “Good little slut,” He praised, moving my head for me. I couldn’t help but relax and let him move me. His moans were coming louder and louder. He was going a bit faster than I was, but it only made him drip pre-cum into my mouth and I couldn’t help but moan at the taste.

Cum really shouldn’t taste that good, I couldn’t help but think to myself as he was taking my throat easily. I couldn’t stop myself from gagging each time as he went deeper into my mouth but that only seemed to spur him on. I could feel tears running down the side of my cheeks and my nose was runny a bit from it, but I loved him using my face this way. It made me felt like I was owned, his… it made me feel good.

“God I want to fuck your slutty little ass.” The words made my heart race in my chest and my cock got impossibly harder, if that was possible. My dick was protesting the lack of attention but I didn’t care. I just wanted Blake to be happy. To enjoy me.

His thrusting into my mouth got even rougher before he finally pulled out. He pulled me up to his chest and sat me directly on top of his cock. “You feel that, boy?” He asked, his words sounding harsh, but I knew they weren’t.

“Mmmhmm…” I hummed, rubbing against him. The feeling of his pants on my bare legs made my cock jump even more.

“That’s right, slut. You’re my little slut, aren’t you? You’re absolutely gagging for it.” I nodded my head, shaking all over. “I’m going to fuck your little ass, Ashton. And when I’m done, I’m going to slide a butt plug inside of you to keep it from running out of your tight little hole.” He told me, and I nodded my head, desperation leaking from every pore of my body. He easily pulled the toy out of me, and waved it in my face. “This is what you call a butt plug, baby. You see how it gets smaller at the base? That’s so it doesn’t stretch your ring too much, and to keep it firmly inside of you. Once I finish cumming inside you, this’ll go back into you.” The way he said it made my entire body clench. I couldn’t wait… oh god… this is so hot.

I felt embarrassed about the state of my face, seeing as how I had tears on it, and I had no doubt a red nose from the gagging. I can’t wait to get better at sucking him so that I don’t look so gross every time he uses my mouth.

He didn’t take my panties off, just slipped them to the side and pressed his saliva and pre-cum wet dick to my slightly prepared hole. The ride down his cock wasn’t an easy one, it was hard, and painful. But with the pain, came the pleasure and I couldn’t help but moan in pleasure as he went deeper and deeper inside of me.

It seemed to take forever for my ass to touch his lap, but the rough material of his jeans was rubbing against my ass and it was only contributing to my pleasure. I moaned loudly and wiggled my hips, wanting him to move. “God you’re a slut.” He groaned, and began pulling me up and down his length with a painfully hard grip on my hips.

I moaned loudly, working with him to make each thrust harder and faster. My arms were still behind my back so I couldn’t wrap my arms around his neck and grip him for stability so I felt slightly off-balance. He was grunting loudly in my ear as he moved me on top of him at his pace.

I found myself grinding on him as fast as I could, trying to get him deeper. I couldn’t explain how amazing it felt to be full of him. “Oh god daddy,” I moaned, and he smirked at me, his eyes never leaving mine.

“You’re a good little slut,” He chided, pulling my body closer. I moaned, my cock rubbing against his shirt. “Look at you, all dressed up nice and pretty for daddy. And look at that cock. You’re dripping all over the panties.” The degrading words only served to make my hips buck faster.

Quickly, oh so quickly, I was losing the battle with self-control. I could feel his cock pulsing inside of me, his breath against my neck, and I couldn’t begin to fathom how wonderful it all felt.

“Oh fuck,” I whined, wishing I could wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in it. “Daddyyyy…” I whined loudly, the head of his cock continuously hitting my sweet spot.

Suddenly he slipped out of me, and I whined at the loss, desperate to take him back inside of me. I went to protest, but before I could I found myself on my face on the couch, the leather was hot underneath me as he pushed himself back into me harder. I moaned, more of him going inside of me this time.

Once he was buried completely inside of me, he began fucking me harder, and deeper than he had been before. It didn’t take long for me to arch up into his touch. “Daddy please…” I begged.

“Does daddies little slut need to cum?” He teased me, and I moaned out a yes, unable to form a sentence. “Too bad, daddy isn’t ready for his slut to cum.” I moaned out as I gripped at my hands, desperately trying to find a way to hold on.

I barely managed to hold on to my orgasm as he continued pounding away at me, his dick repeatedly hitting my prostate. The only reason I could resist at all was because there wasn’t much stimulation to my cock. If he so much as brushed my cock, I’d lose complete control and cum all over the panties.

“God you’re a desperate little slut.” His words were breathless as he continued pounding away at me. I was lost in an ocean of ecstasy. I could barely keep my head above water and I was still holding onto my orgasm by a tiny little hair.

He was only getting harder as he continued fucking me, and I was only getting more desperate. His cock was stretching me out so much, making me see stars with every wonderful fucking inch of it.

“Now, slut!” He commanded, and I finally let go and came.

“Daddy!!!!” I screamed out, my hands grasping for something to hold on to but finding nothing. My orgasm washed over me in waves, and I could feel his cum inside of me. He slowly pulled out of me, and I whimpered at the loss.

“You’re a good little boy,” He murmured softly into my ears as I was floating away. I felt him push the toy back inside of me, and moaned, my body going still.

Is this what heaven is? I couldn’t help but wonder as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

D

10. ¢єитяαℓιzαтισи

Inside my head it’s only you, I need you to be the one to guide me, to love me, and to tell me how to please you. There is no wrong when it’s coming from your mouth, I’ll only bow my head and agree. For when it’s you, I cannot disagree.

A S H T O N

I find myself sitting down at the table in the dining room at my house, doing my over the summer work. School’s going to start soon, and I know that unfortunately, I’ll be heading back to school. The last weekend off school and I’m stuck at home studying. 

Blakey: Ash, where are you? I couldn’t help but blush as I was aware of the fact that he missed me being there. I couldn’t help but miss being there. It’s so boring here. I just have to nod and pretend like I belong. 

Before I met Blake, it didn’t seem much like I was pretending. But now that I know who I am, who I belong with, pretending doesn’t seem… quite as real as it did. 

Hey, I’m stuck doing homework. I’m stuck on senior math. I replied to him quickly, and sat my phone down, turning the ringer to vibrate so that every noise wouldn’t alert everyone in the house that I was being texted. My parents aren’t particularly nosey, but they do tend to ask a lot of questions, and I’m not really prepared with how to answer any of them. 

I’ve been considering just coming out to them. I’ve been wearing Blake’s collar for over a week and they’ve not yet commented. I don’t know if that is because they really believe the lie about whoever that designer is, or if they just don’t care, but they haven’t commented… yet.

In my head, it seems a bit too soon, but in my heart, I know that whatever the outcome is, it’ll be the same whenever I tell them. I could tell them when I’m forty, or tomorrow, and the outcome will still be whatever the outcome will be. I can’t change their views on gays. 

Blakey: Well, make up some lame ass excuse to come get math help from me. I’m good at math… and I can be an excellent motivator. There seemed to be an underlying sexual innuendo there, and I couldn’t deny the shock of arousal that shot down my spine. 

“MOM!” I yelled, and she came down the stairs and peeked into the dining room. 

“Yes, dear?” She asked, and I bit my lip, trying to form the words that I would need. In order for this to go how I’d like it, I have to choose my wording very carefully. 

“I need some math help,” I said, and she nodded smiling a bit. 

“I will get your father to hire a tutor.” She said, and I shook my head. She frowned and pursed her lips at me, a questioning look in her eyes. 

“Mister Reynolds told me that he’d help me with my math.” I told her, and she frowned, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. She sighed and sat down in front of me, looking slightly guilty. 

“Listen Ash about that…” She trailed off, looking over me slowly. “Your father found out that Blake is into men… he’s asked me to keep you away from him.” She said gently, patting my hand. I sat up straighter, my eyes widening. 

“H-how?” I asked, and she bit her lip. 

“Something one of his friends at work told him, I’d gather.” She told me, and I bit my lip and felt a sinking pit in my stomach. 

“Why does it matter?” I asked, and looked up at her through cold green eyes. “It’s not like he’d molest me–” 

“Ashton, you’re father doesn’t want you getting any ideas.” She said, and I looked over her angrily.  “He’s noticed that you’ve been dressing even more… feminine, now. He doesn’t like it.” She told me, and I took a deep breath. 

“So?” I dared to challenge her. 

“Ashton, you’re not a girl.” She said, her face tightening in anger. “You can’t just walk around like you’re one. It gives you a bad reputation, and you’re not even out of high-school yet. Don’t you remember the boys last year–” 

“Yes, mother. “ The word came off my lips like venom, and I was surprised at the amount of anger that was sizzling in my veins. “I am well aware of the fact that I am not a girl. I do not intend to be one–”

“Good, then it’s settled you’ll stay away from Reynolds.” She said easily and I shook my head. 

“I won’t,” I snapped. “I’m eighteen, it’s my decision. I can make the decision to talk to him. Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean that he’s diseased.” I snapped, and her eyes got this nervous look in them that made me shift uncomfortably in my chair. 

“You live in my house, boy!” My father bellowed, coming up behind me and grabbing my arm hard in his hand. I gasped, pain shooting up my arm and to my shoulder. “If I say you won’t talk to a dirty faggot then you won’t . Got it?” He snapped, and I shook my head. 

“Dad… He’s not dirty.” I whispered, and his eyes blazed with anger. 

“He’s a fucking faggot. He’s no good, and I’m not going to have him infectin my son with the gay,” He snapped, looking over me with anger in his emerald green eyes. 

“Dad he didn’t infect me with anything!” I snapped angrily, and then all the blood in my body stopped moving as I realized what I’d done. I’d just accidentally came out. I hadn’t meant to, but it’d happened. 

“Are you sayin what I think you are?” He lifted my up by my arm and I shook my head frantically. 

“No daddy, I’m not..” I trailed off, and he just kept looking through me. I was suddenly aware of the stentch of liqour on his breath, and the lofty scent of cigarettes clinging to his checkered shirt. 

“I think you are.” He hollered, letting go of my arm and grabbing me by the shoulder roughly. My arm was stinging from where he’d grabbed me, and now my shoulder was painfully tight. 

Suddenly, he paused a moment, and it looked like he was thinking before BANG! I squealed, trying to jerk out of his grip. “Dad that hurt!” I yelled, my eye aching where he’d punched me. 

“Emmet!” Mom cried, but he didn’t stop there. He landed a punch on my other cheek, making my head snap to the side. I cried out, my hand immediately going up to grip onto my pale cheek. Then, with my hand up on my face, he punched me directly in the nose. 

“No son of mine is going to be a fucking faggot!” He yelled, tossing me to the ground. I hit the ground, my head hitting the corner of the chair, making my vision blur slightly. He kicked me, right in the stomach. I gasped, curling myself up to stop the impact. But that didn’t do anything to detter him, he only kept kicking me. 

Some of the kicks hit my legs, and I knew that I’d be having a hard time walking tomorrow. His kick hit me directly in the forehead, one on the top of my head. One hit my mouth. 

My mom didn’t speak a word as I kept looking to her for help. “Momma stop him!” I begged of her, but she didn’t even look at me. She kept her eyes lowered, not even chancing a look at my face. 

Then he started aiming directly at my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. “Daddy!” I cried, tears running down  my face. “You’re hurting me!” I cried, but he didn’t stop. 

“I don’t give a shit!” He replied, kicking me harder this time. I cried out, the impact of the kick sending me back into one of the kitchen chair, knocking it over on top of me. I gasped, as he finally stopped. “You’re just as fucking filthy as that fucking faggot down the road.” He snapped, his eyes going over me in disgust. 

He spit at me, and I didn’t even move. I couldn’t move. “Clean this mess up, faggot.” He snarled, landing one more firm kick to my stomach before he walked off, grabbing my mom by the arm and pulling her up the stairs. 

I struggled to stand up, gripping onto the table. I could barely get my balance well enough to walk, much less to clean up the mess. I took a tiny step, grabbing for my phone. I have to clean this mess up, then I need to talk to Blake. 

He’ll know what to do. 

I pull the chair up, my entire body aching angrily at me. I could feel the sting from every one of his kicks all over me. The punches hurt, but he was wearing work boots, and they would do some definite damage. 

I finally managed to get it all cleaned up, and I forced myself to run up the stairs, ignoring the pain in my head and the dizziness. I left my textbooks on the table, and I locked my door, putting my pogo stick underneath the handle so if he did somehow manage to get the door unlocked, the door wont open. 

I picked up my phone and I dialled Blake’s number. “Ash?” He asked. 

“Dmmm,” I said, “I… he… I cmm.” 

“What?” He asked, and I shook my head in frustration. Why can’t he understand me… oh yeah. My lips probably swollen. 

“C-can you meet me halfway please?” I asked, I could barely understand myself, but I hoped he could semi understand me. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, and I let out a strangled sob and shook my head. 

“No,” I said, but even that was unintelligable . 

“Now, Ash. Come to me.” He commanded, and I bit my lip and let out a quiet yelp at the pain that shot down my lip and into my jaw. 

“I scared,” I formed, and he sighed, clearly not understanding. “I need you to meet halfway.” I couldn’t get him to understand, my words weren’t coming out right and I knew that it was causing difficulty understanding what I’m saying but honestly, I can’t do anything about that at this point. “Lucy.” I said, and though the word sounded off, it somehow was understandable enough to get him to understand. 

“I’m waiting outside, Ash.” He said, and I hung up the phone, not bothering to reply. He couldn’t have understood me anyway. I hurried around the room, grabbing the panties that he’d bought me, along with a pair of pants and a tee shirt. I just started shoving random stuff into the bag, and then took the pogo stick out of the way of the door, and unlocked my door. 

I peeked out at my parents door which was firmly shut. I hurried out of my room and down the stairs. I tiptoed down the stairs despite the pain I was feeling. I opened the door as quietly as possible and shut it back, not bothering with the lock. 

Then, despite the pain, I sprint off to Blakes house, my bag on my shoulder. Once I got to where Blake was standing I collapsed into his arms, crying heavily. 

“What’s wrong, pup?” He cooed in my ear, and I only cried harder. My face hurt, my arms hurt, my stomach hurt… oh god everything hurts. “What happened?” He asked, pulling back and looking down at me. I must’ve looked like a lost puppy, my face was no doubt bloody and disgusting. I could barely stand straight, and he was looking at me in a way that made my cheeks heat up. 

“Dad…” I trailed off, glancing nervously across the street. I couldn’t see my dad, nor hear him, but it was almost like I could feel him touching me again. 

“Get in the house, now.” He snapped, pulling me inside gently. I hurriedly got inside. “Oh damn…” He sighed, looking over me. He flinched a bit, his eyes darkening. “Come on, lets get you fixed up.” He said, picking me up and carrying me up the stairs, taking me and my bag to his bedroom. He carried me into the bathroom and sat me down on the counter. He reached under the counter and pulled out a first aid kit.

He fixed me up slowly, taking his time to make sure he got all the blood off of me. I didn’t speak the entire time, unable to find the words to say. I couldn’t tell him that it was his fault, that I was defending him… I knew that it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. 

“Did you get everything?” he asked me, and I shook my head.

“I only got what I could grab. I didn’t…” I shook my head and looked down at my hands, shaking all over. “He was so…” I shook my head and looked down at me. 

“It’s okay, love. I can take you to get whatever you need in town. We’ll get you set up. Right now, you need rest. And lots of it.” He said gently. “Tomorrow, you’ll tell me what happened. Right now, you’re just going to rest.” 

I didn’t even have it in me to protest. I just let him move me from the counter to his bed. He sat me down, pulling the covers down and put me into bed. 

He went to turn away and I made a needy noise. “Don’t… go…” I whispered, closing my eyes and fighting off sleep. I was too scared to be alone. I couldn’t… 

He seemed to understand, as he walked back over, pushed off his clothes and crawled into bed beside me. He cradled me gently into his side. All night long he whispered sweet nothings into my ear. It didn’t make my pain go away, but it did make me feel better on the inside.

Once I finally fell asleep, I was glad. I felt so exhausted and in pain, I could barely keep my eyes open.

11. ∂єιfι¢αтισи

I used to believe that there was no one who could control me, but now that I’ve met you there’s nothing that I want more than to give you control. I need you to take away the things I cannot handle so I can focus on pleasing you.

A S H T O N 

I woke up cradled in Blake’s arms. For a blissful moment, I couldn’t remember anything that happened the night before. All I could think about was the warmth surrounding me. The scent of Blake’s body-wash and his cologne wafted to my nose, and it felt like I was safe. 

But of course, I was hit by reality. Hard, and fast. The first thing I remembered was letting it slip that I too liked men. Then, my father beating me… spitting on me. I shivered, closing my eyes as I felt my body ache. 

I never thought that my father would react that way. I knew he’d be unhappy about it, but I never thought he’d beat me for it. I never thought my mom would let him beat me, either. I knew that they’d be disappointed, but… that? Really?

It seemed a bit excessive. I knew that they’d react badly to it… I just didn’t realize that it’d be like that. I’d never seen them so… careless towards me. I knew that they were angry, but really? All of that? 

Abusing their child because I happened to be into men? That is in no way right. I whimpered, the pain of my injuries finally catching up with me. Blake groaned, shifting on top of me. I gasped in pain but didn’t protest. 

He settled back down on top of me and went back to sleep. I found myself laying there, my fingers idly tracing the tattoos on his back. My entire body hurt, but I couldn’t be bothered enough to comment on it. 

Knowing that Blake was here made me feel safe, though. It seemed as though he’d never let anything hurt me. And that comforted me a lot, because of what had happened. 

If I couldn’t be safe with my parents, who said I’d be safe anywhere? Honestly, there was nothing to prove that I’d be safe anywhere unless Blake was around. I had a sense of safety with him that I’d honestly never felt before.

He had never hurt me in any way–that I didn’t like, I mean. There was nothing stopping him from hurting me, but there was a sense of… protection I felt whenever he was around. 

He kept his arm possessively around my neck in public, he wasn’t afraid to hold my hand and kiss me. He didn’t know how I was feeling yet, but I had a feeling that if he did know, he’d probably want to kill my mom and dad. I knew that they were in the wrong here, I knew that I didn’t deserve it… but something in my head was trying to convince me that I was the problem there.

Time seemed to pass rather slowly, and I didn’t mind it. It gave me time to think about things, to get them into perspective. So that when Blake asks me what happens, I can tell him everything. 

I got lost in the feeling of being safe with Blake. He was cradling my body into his larger one, and I couldn’t deny that he made me feel safe. It was one thing that I’d never been swayed on. He never showed his aggression as a bad thing. I felt so safe, so comforted in his presence.

I cried out and jumped when I heard a loud banging on the door. Blake jumped up, covering me immediately. “What the hell is that?” He growled, and I shrugged, looking around the room frantically. “I’ll be right back. If it’s your father… I will protect you, Ash.” 

Though his words did give me comfort, they did nothing to soothe the uneasiness welling up in my stomach. I wanted to cry, to beg him not to open the door. I didn’t want to let him know that I was that scared–he might not be able to hold himself back.

I followed behind him silently, peeking my head around the corner as he opened the door. “Hello?” He asked grumpily. 

“Is my son here?” I heard my dad growl, and immediately I tensed up. I knew it was him, and I knew he was angry immediately. He had that same tone in his voice last night, and I had the bruises and cuts to prove it. 

“No, your son isn’t here.” Blake snapped, barely holding on to his temper. “The amazing boy you raised is here though. I would never have the balls to call a boy that I’d beaten my son.” The words were acidic, and I couldn’t help but shiver a bit. My dad scoffed.

“Tell the boy to come on. He’s going to come home now. He belongs at home where he can get his head on straight and do as he is expected–” Though this possibly could’ve sounded okay, to me it sounded rather unlikely. 

There was nothing wrong wtih my head, I had it on completely straight. I knew what was right in my life, and what was wrong… obviously my parent’s are toxic to me in more ways than one. I couldn’t go back there. I absolutely could not let myself go back. That’s no possible. 

“He’s not going anywhere with the likes of you if I have anything to do with it.” Blake snapped, clenching his hands on the door. “You’re lucky that I haven’t called the police on you yet. I only haven’t because of your son.” He growled, and my dad slammed on the door. 

“He’s my son let me have him!” He snarled angrily and Blake paused for a moment. In that moment the look on his face was one of only bored contempt and then he looked ready to kill.

“Listen you sorry piece of shit,” he snarled. “I would rather chew off my own goddamned arm than even let Ashton breathe the same air as you.” Blake was looking angrily at him like he was ready to murder him. “He is too good of a child for you. He never did anything to deserve what you gave him. And if he gives me permission, I’ll have you arrested so fast that your eyeballs will be falling out of your head.” 

I shivered, looking down at my feet. I hadn’t even had time to realize that all I was wearing was his tee and my underwear. I blushed but looked at my dad and Blake arguing… over me and I knew that I had to do something to help out. 

So I took a hesitant step out and put a hand on Blake’s shoulder softly. He tensed slightly, before turning to look at me with a gentle expression on his face. 

He smiled lightly, and looked back at my dad. “I’m sorry sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You are not welcome here. You have never been, and you probably never will be.” Blakes words were hard, his eyes had a steely look behind them. He didn’t look like someone to mess with. Though I knew that he’d stop anything if I told him to. 

I thought, at least. He’d never given me any reason not to trust him. And he seemed to be pretty trustworthy so far. He’d been gentle with me when it counted, and then he’d always been careful about pushing me. He’d never laid his hand on me in a way that could be potentially harmful. He’d always been very careful of scaring me, I suppose it is because I’m a virgin. 

My dad merely snarled at him and walked away. Or really, the man who raised me, because Blake had a point. No parent would raise their hand against their child in a way like that. 

Blake slammed the door shut and turned to me, his eyes simmering with fire and something that could only be described as anger. 

“Are you okay?” He asked me hesitantly, and I nodded my head, shifting closer to me. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I should’ve told you to stay put. But, I doubt you would’ve done it anyway.” The joke made me giggle slightly, but it didn’t release the tension in the air.

It wasn’t the kind of tension that was particularly negative, I just didn’t much know if it was a lasting issue. “Daddy,” I whispered softly, sniffing slightly. “I’m okay,” I promised, leaning closer to him. He stepped up to me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest with a great big sigh. 

“I hope you are, trouble.” His whispered words made my heart flutter in my chest. He’d called me pup a bit, and baby. But since that one time he said Maybe I should just call you trouble , that was what my mind stuck to. It seemed like something crazy right? There’s nothing sexy about being a bad boy, but then… maybe there is. 

He seemed to like it when I was a bit frisky. I saw that on the second day when I’d been shaking my ass around and he’d spanked me. His words still rung in my head in the most sensual way possible. I couldn’t think of anything sexier than being his little good boy, though. 

Him praising me as a good boy, calling me pup and petting my head gently. Him touching my body in gentle caresses and loving glances.  I couldn’t deny the shot of lust that shot through me whenever he told me I was a good boy. Knowing that I was pleasing him, sexually or otherwise, made me feel like I was on top of the world. 

“I see you like being called trouble, don’t you?” The way he said it was playful, like the voice you’d use when talking to a puppy. I couldn’t deny that it honestly did turn me on a bit. “It’s rather cute, pup. You’re a good boy.” He said, and gently ran his thumb over my cheek. 

I giggled softly, looking up into his dark eyes. “I think we gave my father a heart attack.” I giggled, looking over myself. “I’m only wearing your tee, and he looked at me like he wanted to fuck me up… worse.” 

Blake’s look went sour, and he pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “He’d never have made it in the door, trouble.” His words made my heart warm and I pushed into his arms, wrapping myself around him like he was my protector.

 I suppose he kind of is. As my master, he takes care of things like that, doesn’t he? He makes sure I have what I need, and he takes control of things I can’t deal with. He takes away my control of even the basics, and in return, I give him all of me. 

Honestly, if I had of heard anyone else talking about this, I’d of thought they were insane. It sounds like some utter bullshit, honestly, unless you get it–unless you have experienced it. It sounds like a more controlling, powerful male taking control of the less assertive person in the relationship, but after conducting research on top of research, I understand it’s nothing like that at all. 

To be fair, I can assume that I’ve made my assumptions about plenty of things before trying them, kind of like sky-diving. Sounds great, looks like it’s a killer time… but I’d never do it because it’d be way too dangerous. Rollercoasters, the same. I can assume many people return home safely after those experiences, however, that doesn’t mean I want to take that chance. 

However, after researching into BDSM, I understand it’s more than just something taboo, something perverts do. You see on television all of the killers who tortured their victims–that’s not BDSM. 

I guess that my dad is kind of the same way. He makes the assumption that all gay guys are freaky perverts. He makes the assumption that I’m wrong–that I’m infected  with a disease because of my sexuality. 

I hate the fact that I’m anything like him, honestly. I know that I’ve made assumptions about things I didn’t really understand before… does that make me as bad as him? I sighed and looked up at Blake.

“Daddy, I am really sorry,” I whispered shyly, looking back down when Blake met my eyes. 

“Whatever do you have to be sorry for, trouble?” He asked me, and I shrugged. 

“I brought you into my family shit. I have done nothing but really cause you issues so far.” I couldn’t help feeling guilty as I admitted this. I had no doubt in my mind that he already knew it, but… I didn’t want him to think I was ungrateful and want to get rid of me. Now that I’ve come out to my parents and they’ve done this… well, I don’t really have anyone else to be there for me. 

And I know that is a big job for someone, especially when they didn’t sign up for it in the beginning. 

If I hadn’t have been flirting and trying to seduce him, he probably would’ve never gotten involved with me. 

“Listen trouble okay? There is nothing you have to be sorry for. This would’ve happened eventually, dear. I’m just happy it happened with me so you’ll have someone to take care of you. I hate that it happened, but I can handle taking care of you. I know that it’s shitty, and I know that your dad has probably said and done some shit that has made you feel as though you’re worth nothing,” Blake pulled me up closer to him. He pushed my face up so that our eyes were locked before he continued, “But trouble, you’re worth a lot more than you realize. You’re worth the world to plenty of people, and though your parents are pieces of shit, you still fucking matter. So don’t go apologising about something you had no control over.” 

Blakes little pep talk certainly did make my heart flutter a bit uncontrollably in my chest. I bit my lip and hesitantly pressed a kiss to his lips. 

“Daddy, I just…” I trailed off unable to find the words to explain it. He understood, I gathered because he picked me up and carried me back to his bed. He didn’t touch me, no. He just laid us together, every inch of our bodies touching. He hummed lightly in my ear and pressed gentle kisses to my neck and jaw until I finally let sleep take me over again. 

I knew that when I woke up again, I’d have to tell him exactly what happened. I knew that that wouldn’t be an easy thing to remember. But, I knew that as long as he was holding my hand, I’d be fine.

Because God knows, I think I’ve fallen in love with him. And as scary as it is, as sudden as it is… well, it’s just what’s happened.

12. α∂σяαтισи

I cannot picture a more amazing dominant, for you are the only one I desire. For you I would do anything–become anything. I don’t need to know why, or how… only that you wish it to be so. I adore you.

A S H T O N 

I woke up wrapped up in the sheets of Blakes bed, alone. The chill in the room was predominant, and I immediately wanted to know where Blake was. I didn’t know why he left, or when he’d be back. I sighed, moving around to where I was on his side and settled in, his scent wrapping around my senses. 

It’s been a couple of days since I’d come to stay with him. I felt like it might’ve been a bit too fast, but I didn’t exactly have a lot of an option at this point. It’s either I stay here or under a bridge. 

And honestly, I’d rather be here. This felt like home, it felt like more of a home than my house had ever felt. I fit so well here, and I was able to be myself. 

After I’d gone over what had happened, he’d promised me he’d keep my father as far away from me as possible if that’s what I desired. And yes, that’s exactly what I desired. I knew it seemed a bit excessive, but I couldn’t face my father after what he’d done. And my mom… well she just wouldn’t like what I had to say about her right now. 

With a sigh, I turned over again, and felt a piece of paper and I sat up a bit and looked at it. 

To My Little Trouble Maker,  it was addressed. I assumed that meant me, so I opened it. 

I know you’re probably nervous that you woke up alone and you’re uncomfortable. It’s okay, I’m not far. I had to go down into town and take care of some business at work. I don’t have to go in often, but when I do, it’s always urgent. 

Text me the moment you find this. I want to know what you are doing. Just let me know you’re awake and okay.

Be a good boy while I’m gone. When I get back, we’ll eat dinner and have some fun. I have some movies we can watch, or we can take a bath together. We can do really whatever you want, so be thinking about it. 

As I said, text me, trouble. Let me know that you’re awake. Now, I have to be off. Don’t make a mess. Do your home work. If you make a mess, clean it up. Don’t play music too loudly. If you take a shower, be careful not to fall. I am not there to pick you up. If you eat, don’t eat anything that’s been cooked in the fridge–most of it is old. 

Sleep well, I’ll miss you, little one. 

My heart fluttered erratically in my chest. He’d called me Trouble again, and it made me so happy. I don’t really understand why, because I’m not a bad boy, but… it did make me feel good. It kind of made me feel a bit… loved. I missed him, but I was already concocting a plan in my head. 

He’d done plenty to drive me crazy since we agreed to be dominant and submissive. Now it’s my turn to play the game, and it’s my turn to absolutely make him lust after me like nobodies business. 

I know what he’s into. He’s into lingerie, and I have tons of it… all that he’d picked out himself. The only problem was, what was his favorite? Which color would go best with my complexion to make me look sexy? Which would show the most amount of skin without giving too much away? I pulled my phone off the charger and cuddled up into the sheets, taking a quick picture of me lying there naked and waiting for him. 

He knew that I was naked because he left while I was sleep. So, that’d tease him quite a bit. 

Me: I’m awake daddy. Going to shower really quick and then I’ll go eat something. I miss you! 

I stood and walked into the closet going for my drawer. He’d ordered me new panties and had them expedited because I was upset about only having two pairs of panties again. 

He’d bought me all different arrays of stuff this time, though. They’d been a surprise for me. Kind of like a welcome home gift. They made me feel wanted, needed… they made me feel like I belonged here. 

He’s gone now, which means I’ll have plenty of time to get ready. My phone buzzed as I grabbed a black pair of sheer back panties. The sides were black satin and they had baby blue polka dots on them. 

They matched my collar. I then grabbed what appeared to be one of Blakes dress shirts, carefully to keep from wrinkling the perfect shirt. Once I’d picked out my clothes, I grabbed the phone and opened it. 

Blake: Hey trouble. That’s a fitting nickname for you, isn’t it? Be careful in the shower, and remember, lovely. Don’t answer the door. I don’t want your father to have any sort of access to you. Do you understand?

Me: Of course, I never open the door. I’m okay, and I will be just fine. Hurry up with that work! I miss my daddy. 

Blake: I miss my little trouble maker, too. Be good, okay? 

Me: Yes daddy. I’ll be good. 

Blake: I will be home in a couple hours with dinner. 

Me: Okay daddy. I’ll see you then!

I hurried to the bedroom, picking out everything I needed. I got some thigh high socks that matched the panties. I then went into the bathroom, turning on the water and grabbing one of the girly razors off the counter along with one of the shaving cremes. Blake had said he’d shave me, but I can’t exactly wait to get him to do it for me. I cut on the water on warm and hurriedly grabbed two towels. 

I actually found myself excited. Because I was so far in the closet I couldn’t see straight, I hadn’t been able to soak much. Typically I took a quick shower and got out before it looked suspicious. I hardly even had time to shave. A part of me really did want him to shave me, but I wanted to do this. 

Instead, I would just have to figure it out myself. I’d shaved before, but I had nicked myself with the razor quite a bit. Honestly, I couldn’t let that happen this time. I have to be as effeminate as possible. 

I loved looking girly–for some reason it made me feel good. I have always looked girlier than other guy’s and I guess my parent’s had  to be in denial because I had absolutely always screamed flaming homo. In elementary school, I’d even tried to wear girls clothes. Hrm… maybe Blake would let me do that…

I paused that thought as I turned off the water and hopped in, sinking down into the water with a giant sigh. 

I couldn’t get carried away with this bath. I don’t really have time. I need to look like a sexy little nymph when Blake gets back. I bit my lip as I thought about the possibility of me prancing around in a skirt with the panties on that I’d picked out. 

It sounded fun, and quite sexy, also. I could imagine him looking over me with that lustful gaze of his. It sent shivers down my spine and I couldn’t breathe. It drove me to the point of being hard already. 

I knew that this was going to be hard on me, but fuck, I’ve never gotten a boner strictly from thinking  about how a man would look over me in a hypothetical situation. Blake has such a power over me, it’s almost scary. Now that I live here with him, I spend most of my time doing what I want to do.

Serving him. That right there always got a rise out of my cock. I glanced over at my phone and bit my lip. Should I… ask permission? I grabbed my phone and looked at the screen.

Me: Daddy? 

It felt like forever before my phone was vibrating. I had been playing with my fingers anxiously, really wanting to hurry him up. As soon as I heard the sound of my phone vibrating though my hands immediately my separating and grabbing towards my phone. 

Him: Yes, trouble? 

It sounded so full of accusations, the way he would probably be looking at me if he was in front of me right now… oh god .

Me: Daddy, I’m horny. Can I please touch myself?

I felt like a child asking if he could do something reckless or dangerous, but it sent lust spiking through my blood. I wanted him so bad. 

Him: Go ahead, little one. I am proud that you remembered to ask permission. 

I bit my lip, looking at myself in the mirror. I quickly took a picture of myself, the bubbly water around me covering certain parts. My cock was covered, but just the head was out a bit. My abdomen was wet, and my hair was messy. I sent it to him with I wish you were here, daddy.

u nderneath it. 

Slowly I began jerking myself off, holding the phone in my hand. He messaged me back, and I bit my lip opening the message immediately.

Him: You’re trouble. Go take care of yourself. I have work, and I can’t be sprouting erections. Stop being a tease. I’ll see you when I get home.

I giggled quietly, typing back a quick okay daddy before beginning on my bath. 

Though I had permission to wank, I wasn’t going to. I had to be strong and get through this bath without going overboard. I just needed him to believe I was satiated so that it’ll be a huge surprise when he walks in and sees me kneeling at the door like a good little boy. Biting my lip I hurriedly bathed, shaved a bit slowly so as to prevent nicking myself, and got out. 

I was really horny, but I couldn’t give into temptation. Though I did have permission, I wanted my orgasm tonight to be mindblowing. I knew that as an eighteen-year-old I could cum about twelve times and never be dry, but I wanted this to be so fucking amazing.

And I knew that it would be because Blake was my daddy, my lover… Blake had this way of absolutely dominating every cell in my body, his touch set me on fire. 

I pulled the panties on, looking at myself in the mirror. The crack of my ass was visible through the sheer black part of the panties. The satin parts of my panties were so soft and wonderful against my skin. The front of the panties concealed my cock in a way that made it look beautiful. 

I pulled the shirt on, buttoning it up. Then I pulled my socks on, biting my lip as it felt amazing against my hairless thighs. I looked up into the mirror. 

I look fucking amazing…  my cheeks were red as I looked over myself in the mirror. I bit my lip, turning slightly. Blake’s shirt hung over me like a robe, and if I turned to the side in the right way, the panties were visible in a way that made me look so damn sexy. The thigh highs were dark, beautiful and made my pale skin look utterly amazing. 

I looked so utterly fuckable. And the collar around my neck made me feel amazing. I couldn’t help but love the way it felt around my neck. The slight pressure of the collar against my skin gave me a constant reminder of my owner… my Blake. 

I grabbed my phone and contemplated on what I should send to Blake… I can’t give away my plan, so I bit my lip and thought about it. I checked the time and saw that it was thirty minutes after I’d gotten into the bath, so it’d be realistic if I told him I was out. 

Me: Hey daddy, I’m out of the bath. 

The response wait time was short, and I could only imagine that he was secretly waiting on me to message him back.

Him: Did you have fun, trouble?

I blushed, looking down at my still hard cock and palmed it slightly. I moaned, looking down at my phone again. I read the message again, thinking about how to reply.

Me: Yes daddy, I did. 

Me: It was very fun. But, I would’ve rather it have been your hand than mine. Your hand is bigger, and not as soft. I love the way your slightly rougher skin feels on my cock. 

I felt like that was enough of a teaser to keep him horny for hours. I wanted him to be so damn horny that he couldn’t think straight. 

Him: I wish it could’ve been my hand too, trouble. I wish your hand could be on my cock right now. The softness of your hand only makes me want more of you.

I blushed, biting my lip as I felt myself fight back a whimper.

Me: I love the thought of you touching me… it makes me feel so…

I couldn’t find the right word for it, so I just didn’t put one. I can assume he’d figure one out for me, like usual. I wasn’t wrong either because as soon as he hit the send button my face heated up in embarrassing lust.

Him: I would love to fuck you right here, right now. I’d make you scream so loud the entire office knew you belonged to me. You’d walk into my office looking like a good little boy and you’d walk out looking like a randy slut, cum dripping down your thighs and hickies all over you. But you’d be my randy little slut, trouble. Because that’s what you are, isn’t it? Daddies little slut–but only daddies. 

The lust that overtook me was immediate, and I was unable to prevent myself from palming myself. I tripped and almost face-planted, trying to sit down on the couch. 

Me: I would love that, daddy. And yes, I’d be your little slut any day.  

He wasn’t through with assaulting me, though. Because not long after I sent him the response, there he was again, taking my breath away. 

Him: You act like such a little angel, but deep inside you know where you belong. You belong on your knees, pleasuring your daddy. You’re such a naughty little boy, but you’re so good to your daddy, aren’t you? I know you’re a little slut, you crave my hard dick in your tight little ass. I bet you love the way it feels to have cum deep inside of your little ass. I know you love it, baby. You’re such a little whore. You’re my little whore.

Though the whore comment should’ve hurt me, all it did was make me harder, and much to my embarrassment, make pre-cum drip out of my head like a seven-year-old with a boner for the first time. 

Me:  Daddy, please… 

I couldn’t really get a good though process going at the moment to respond any better than that. 

Him: Be a good little boy while I’m gone, and maybe I’ll give you a reward when I get home.

I whined, palming myself through my panties, blushing brightly. I wanted him so bad right now! Why does he have to work! Work is such a pointless endeavour. I hate it! 

Me: Daddy noo… please don’t do.

A few moments passed, and then I got a reply.

Him: Just be good, Ash. When I get home, you’ll give me head and I’ll cum down your sexy little throat, okay? And then, if you swallow like a good boy, I’ll fuck you so hard you won’t be able to see straight.

Oh god, that visual. I couldn’t help but groan out loud as I typed in a quick yes daddy. I couldn’t give into temptation. 

Though I love the thought of getting off right now, teasing him to the moon and back will be totally worth it tonight. I quickly locked both the locks on the door and then went into the kitchen, sitting at the island with my math book. 

Blake is in for a surprise tonight. He’s going to have his hands full of a horny, sensitive, half naked boy all night. That right there was enough to compel me to distract myself. 

I was able to somehow lure my mind to my math book. I cleared the dirty thoughts out of my head and just focused on the complicated senior math in front of me. Hopefully, time passes quickly. 

There’s not a lot that maths ever helped me do, but it killed my boner so it wasn’t painful. That was always worth a thank you. 

A/n: I’m going to my moms tonight so I won’t be able to update this weekend. I wanted to give you guys a quick chapter and to run an idea I’ve had past you.

I’ve been thinking about maybe doing a book to give information about certain characters that didn’t really come up in the book. Some information about people can get lost in the moment, and even in stories, theres not always room/time to fill in every single question you probably ask.

So, therefore, I was thinking that maybe I could give you information on certain characters that you requested. It was just an idea, so comment and let me know!

-Anon.

13. ¢αριтυℓαтισи

If I kneel here at your feet, will you promise to make it forever? If I give you all of me, will you promise that you’ll take care of me? If I surrender myself to you, will you take it all away from me?

A S H T O N 

I laid back on the couch, trying to appear nonchalant. Blake will hopefully be headed home soon, and I wanted to appear like I wasn’t planning anything when he got here. I knew that I looked sexy, but if he asked I could just say I’d gotten ready for bed a bit early so I could have time to take a bath after homework. And that was true. I’d done homework… I just hadn’t had a second bath. 

I’d freshened up a bit, though. I straightened my hair, letting it fall down to my shoulders, and put on a bit of light pink lip-gloss. I’d unbuttoned the first few buttons on the shirt so as to appear a bit ruffled and ready for bed. 

I was texting Damien mainly out of boredom. Damien was fretting over the new school year because we’d both gotten a late start. My parents didn’t want me to start school until I was five, so I skipped pre-school and because of that, I’d been forced to redo it when I was five. Well, Damien didn’t go to preschool either, but not because of his age. He didn’t go because his mom wouldn’t let him out of the house… so once his dad got him, he began school with me. 

Because we were the two oldest in the class, we hung out. In middle school, Damien became ‘cool’ and I became the ‘goodie two shoe nerd’ so we stopped talking. Then one day in highschool Damien and I worked on a project together and we’d been friends ever since. Because of Damien, I’d gained acquaintances , but not friends. I wouldn’t call anyone that only talks to me when Damien is around a friend. 

I had gotten bored earlier and nicknamed everyone in my contact book, so Damien was now The Meathead. And Blake was My Daddy with a little emoji heart. I’m so childish sometimes, but Blake probably would never see it, and even if he did… he knew I called him daddy. 

Damien: Bruh, I can’t wait til school starts back bc football and girls.

That sounds just like Damien. He’s honestly such a player. I hate him sometimes because when he dumps girls the girls come running to me, whining and complaining and I just stand there like why the fuck would I care? But, I love Damien too. He’s been the only constant person in my life since preschool.

Now that I had Blake though, I hadn’t been talking to him much. I spent so much of my time trying to become the best submissive that I possibly can, I had been ignoring him. Not that Damien didn’t have a shit ton of ‘friends’ that could entertain him. But, still. I needed to just let him know that I was still around. 

And also, I wanted to have him in my corner for when I go back to school. I’d never really been bullied, but I was smaller than the other people in school, and there’s a lot of new faces coming to school each year. I didn’t want to get my ass kicked. 

A nerd with a jock is always a lot safer than a nerd without a jock. And despite the fact that I’m not actually a nerd, I had all the makings to be one. I obeyed, I didn’t do anything wrong and I was physically about as strong as a banana. 

I heard Blake’s jeep in the drive, and after a few seconds, his keys jingling in the lock. I sucked in a breath just as he walked into the house and his eyes locked on me. I bit my lip, blushing a bit. “Fuck.” He grunted, looking at me with that familiar fire in his eyes. I wanted nothing more for that fire to encase me, but I cocked my head to the side innocently, pretending that I had no idea what I was doing to him. “You look like you’ve been busy.” 

“I studied all afternoon. I start school on Monday, and I’m nowhere near ready daddy!” I cried, looking up at him like I was innocently worried. “I have never hated math as much as I do right now.” I groaned. 

“I’m sure. Are you hungry?” He asked, and I nodded eagerly. 

“I’ve been hungry all day, daddy.” I shot him a naughty look, and he growled a bit. He looked ready to ravish me. 

“I can see that.” His voice was deep with lust and I blushed brightly, shaking my head and pulling my legs up to my chest, flashing my panties. I giggled, crossing my legs and bringing his attention down to my crotch. He growled, looking down at me. “You’re a fucking tease, trouble.” He said. 

“I’m  horny though, daddy.” I put my hands on my thighs, and he sucked in a breath. He smirked suddenly, looking a lot more controlled this time. 

“Oh is that true, trouble?” His voice was steely, and his tone made me stiffen. I couldn’t wait to feel him inside of me. “You’re a little slut, aren’t you? Just want to feel a long, hard dick inside of you?” I moaned, mental images of him fucking me making me go momentarily dazed. 

He smirked. “I take it you got all trussed up for daddy, didn’t you?” The teasing tone of his voice was all it took to make me spread my legs a bit and try to bare myself to him. 

“Yes, daddy. I wanted to surprise you.” My words were calm yet a bit breathless, and I was hard as a rock in the panties. I’d been just the slightest bit hard before he’d gotten home, thinking of how he’d react when he saw me. But honestly, the moment I saw him my cock went from a twenty to a two-hundred and I’m ready to go now .

“You did a good job, trouble.” His words caused my heart to soar in absolute pure joy. He sat the food down on the table and sat down on the couch, pulling me to him. I planted my ass right on his dick. I could feel him hard as a rock under my ass, and behind his slacks. 

Seeing him dressed from work made me tremble a bit. He looked so much older, so much more in control when he was dressed for work. I couldn’t help the feeling of submission that flew through me. I fought the urge to drop to my knees in front of him where I belonged. 

Where I belonged…  that was the statement that holds true to me. It wasn’t until I thought that on my own, no guidance needed that I realized… this is where I belong. He didn’t have to guide me into submission, I was guiding myself. 

I spent half of my day looking up more about BDSM, wondering what exactly it was that’d satisfy me, and what’d freak me out. I could decide, really. Some of it really interested me, while other parts of it were kind of terrifying. I’d watched a scene on youtube where this guy had fire running all over his body. I couldn’t do that. I’d be afraid… or maybe, once Blake and I had been together a long time, maybe I wouldn’t. 

Because every single day I trusted him more. And it wasn’t like in middle school where you kind of trust someone… it’s the kind of trust where I’ll do anything he tells me to, let him guide me in any decision I make and trust him blindly.

He opened up the food and began feeding me. I moaned quietly, “What is this?” I asked him, and he smirked and brushed his fingers over my ear. I giggled, looking up at him through my lashes. “It’s really good. I did some research while you were gone…” He smirked a bit and lifted the same fork he’d used on me to his own mouth, nodding. “Well, there was some stuff I’d like to try.” 

“Like?” He prodded, feeding me another bite. “Because right now, all I can fucking think about is your tight little ass sitting right on top of my dick. I want to fuck you right now. “ His words set fire to my skin, and I immediately swallowed the bite he gave me, leaning up a bit to kiss his lips. 

He kissed me back softly, pulling away. “You need to eat.” His words were certain, but I shook my head, not having any of it. 

“I want you daddy. You left me here all day and I had to take care of myself.” I sighed softly, shifting around and straddling his hips. His hands immediately went to my hips and I giggled softly. “I wished it was you the entire time daddy, I had to touch myself because you weren’t there with those damned hands of yours…” He squinted his eyes, looking over me hungrily as I licked my lips. 

“I wanted you to fuck me daddy, but instead I had to only finger myself.” The naughty picture I was placing in my own head was driving me crazy, I could only imagine what it was doing to him. “And then, when I came, I cried out for you daddy. Just like I always do.” He sucked in a breath, looking over my body like I was a trophy. 

“I know you do, trouble. It’s because you’re my little whore, aren’t you? Is this what you need? To be fucked and used?” I nodded my head, pressing a playful teasing kiss to his neck. Blake ran his hand up my spine, me arching into the touch. “God, I want to fuck the absolute life out of you, Ash.” 

“Please daddy, fuck me!” I begged, leaning in and wiggled my hips. I shook all over, my hands clutching at his shoulders. “Please daddy, please. I need it, please.” I was so horny, I could hardly think straight. All the time I’d been telling him about how I’d fingered myself and stuff, I’d been getting needier and needier because in reality, I hadn’t touched myself all day. I needed  it. So much. 

“You’re such a needy little thing aren’t you? Go lay on the bed. Take off everything but them panties and this pair of socks. I’ll be up after I put the food away. And trouble,” he paused to lean down to whisper into my ear, “Don’t think you’ll get away with acting like a randy slut forever. It’s only working right now because you’re so inexperienced. Once I train you, you acting this way will get you a spanking.” I moaned softly, nodding and running up the stairs. I had the shirt unbuttoned and thrown off as soon as I entered the room, lying back on the bed and spreading my legs in a way to show him what I had. Oh god, I just wanted him so badly. 

It took him minutes to get up to me, and when he arrived, looking ready to fuck me right then and there, I couldn’t help the shiver that overtook me. I put my finger up and beckoned him to me. He smirked before slowly taking his clothes off. Watching was driving me crazy but I didn’t have permission to move so I didn’t.

 Once he finished he was on me about as quickly as a lion hunting prey. He devoured my lips, rough and demanding. I was helpless below him as he easily took me over and dominated me in every way.

I didn’t even try to fight him, I merely let him lead me in our passionate kiss. “Daddy, I’m all ready for you! When you told me you were on my way I ran up here and prepared…” He smirked down at me. “I know I should’ve asked permission to, but I just wanted to get fucked the moment you walked through the door. But you had to try to feed me first.” I giggled as he growled lightly, trailing bites up and down my neck.

“I’ll punish you later. Right now, I need you.” Those words made my heart soar. I felt like I was flying higher than the sun and I spread my legs even further, allowing him as much access as he needed. He pushed my panties to the side, pressing his tip against my hole. “Ready?” He asked and I nodded desperately. And then he was inside of me. I was grateful for the warning, but it didn’t stop the pain from running up my spine.

I clenched my body around his, surprisingly turned on my the roughness. “Daddy!” I squealed, his head hitting my prostate immediately. It caused me to arch up , desperate for more.

“Do not move, Ash.” His words were hard, and I didn’t try to move. I merely laid beneath him, my hands gripping at his shoulders as he fucked me. I couldn’t let go for fear of being swept away with the pleasure that was flowing through me like tidal waves.

“Daddy, oh daddy!” I couldn’t have been quiet if I wanted to, he was fucking me too hard, too good. And the way he felt inside of me… oh fuck . He was long, hard, and thick, stretching me out in the most amazing ways. I couldn’t stop myself from shaking under him. I was so hard, and I needed him so bad.

“Ash,” he choked into my neck, pistoning in and out of me. He didn’t touch my cock, and I couldn’t complain. I didn’t want to. The stimulation of him fucking me was enough.

“I-I can’t it’s… oh god.” I moaned, feeling like I was flying. “So good, daddy.” I was trapped between him and the bed, my entire body begging for more. I needed to feel him be harder, rougher. It wasn’t just something I wanted, I needed it. “Harder please,” I fought the urge to push up into his thrusts.

I just needed him deeper, harder… oh fuck me faster… I couldn’t concentrate. He’s driving me fucking crazy. He slowed down, seeing how close I was already getting, and I whimpered loudly, shaking my head in absolute horror. For fuck’s sake, I’ve been fucked before I shouldn’t be this damn sensitive.

But it was the heat surrounding us. I felt like my entire body, my entire being was being submitted to him with us connected this way. There was no protection, there had never been. I didn’t want anything separating me from him. I was so damn needy, I couldn’t help it.

He smirked and sped back up, wrapping his fingers around my cock momentarily. I was lost in the wave of overpowering lust. He was completely fucking me. I moaned loudly, fighting against the urge to wiggle my hips and push back into his thrusts. He was so demanding on top of me, I couldn’t help but arch up into him.

He was fucking me like I’d never been fucked before. I couldn’t remember it ever feeling like this. But then, I felt like it got better every time. I whimpered, my hips begging to move with him.

I’d been all day without this relief and now that it’s coming, I’m so relieved. I needed this. I don’t know how I’m going to manage going to school now, because I can’t spend an entire day without him at least touching me once.

It was getting too much, but in all the right ways. I love it. He’s driving me fucking insane. In and out, all over my body. I squeaked, my nails digging into his back. His hands were gripping at my hips, his body was pressing me down into our bed.

That sounded right. Our bed. In our home. It sounded far-fetched, especially when our relationship had just began, but I couldn’t leave it now. I needed it. Fuck, I needed it.

So as he kept using my body, his hands were gripping me too tight, but I loved it. It felt so right.

I knew I’d be bruised, I always bruised, but it wasn’t so annoying knowing that they were his bruises and not from some clumsy or stupid thing that’d happened to me. No, it was a sign of my submission.

He was my master. There was no questions there. He owned me, mind body and soul. I wouldn’t leave unless he told me so.

“More daddy please…” The words were desperate, and they only made me ache to be filled more. He was so large inside of me, and I couldn’t help the way I was shivering beneath him.

His thrusts began picking up speed, and I couldn’t help but arch up, my entire body aching from not moving while he was fucking me. “Please let me move, daddy. I can’t… I need to h-hold you…” I was beyond comprehension at this point. I just wanted more.

More. More. Fucking MORE.

But he only shot me a look and pulled out of me. I whined, my body shaking beneath him. “Why? D-daddy please don’t l-leave me like this…”

He didn’t. He merely rolled me over onto my side and lifted my leg into the air. His hand gripped my thigh and he began pushing back into me.

I arched my body, purring like a cat. I didn’t even know that I could do that, but it sounded really cute, I couldn’t lie. But I was more focused on his body thrusting into me again to pay much attention to it.

I was moaning, shaking. He was driving me to the point of absolute insanity. He wasn’t giving me time to calm down. He was just moving in and out of me. “You dirty little slut,” He grunted, pinching my nipple hard. I moaned loudly, shaking. “You’re so desperate, aren’t you? I thought you were supposed to be a good boy? But you’re so far from a good boy.” I whimpered shaking my head. Why does that turn me on so much? It shouldn’t, but oh fuck…

“You were just practically drooling when I walked through the door.” He sounded cocky and I blushed, looking up at him. “You were just gagging to be fucked like this, weren’t you? Such a needy little whore you are. Fuck, you’re all mine, though. No one else can touch you.” He was driving me crazy, and I answered his words with a moan.

“N-no daddy… N-no on-one else, c-can touch me…” I was beyond understanding, but I didn’t care. It was all so much, and I’d been holding my cum for so long, I was about to explode.

“Is my little slut going to cum for daddy?” I moaned, shaking my head yes before pausing and shaking it no. “You’re such a good little slut aren’t you? You know to wait until daddy says so, don’t you?” I shook my head yes thoughtlessly. He pistoned in and out of me even harder, making me claw at his arm. I couldn’t hold his back anymore so now I didn’t have anything to keep me grounded.

I was purely on his mercy, and I didn’t even care. I just needed this so badly. I think I might be a slut… but only for my daddy. He’s the only one that gets to see this, to get to have this—me.

“Beg me you little whore, beg me to let you cum.” His words were rough, and I couldn’t help but arch into his touch, feeling overwhelmed at everything.

“D-daddy please, you’re so big daddy… I need to cum please… please I’ll do anything! I can’t stand this. It hurts,” I sobbed, closing my eyes as I shook all over. “It hurts but it feels so good, why does it do that, daddy?”

I was quickly latching onto him, my entire body shaking. My nails were digging into his arm. “Not yet, baby. Just a little longer,” He let himself slow down a bit. “Do I need to stop?” The question was sweet and I shook my head.

“NO! Please daddy don’t leave me like this!” I cried harder, shaking all over. I couldn’t stop myself from going rigid at the thought. Please, I wanted to beg, but I couldn’t find my voice as I moaned.

He was so deep inside of me, I could feel him all over me and it was driving me insane. His hands on my body, his cock inside of me, and I could even smell his cologne making my senses go into overdrive.

“I won’t stop trouble,” he promised. “What’s your safeword?” He asked, and I shook my head, clearing my thoughts.

“L-Lucy. Don’t stop. Please. Don’t…” I couldn’t stand the thought. He pulled out of me slowly, and I moaned, shaking my head desperately. “No!” I begged, and he shook his head, rolling me back onto my back so he was looking down at me.

He separated my thighs and spread them, pushing slowly back into me. “I need you to count backwards from ten while I fuck you. Focus on that, not me fucking you.” I moaned, nodding my head.

“T-ten,” I gasped as he hit my prostate. It made my vision go blurry and my hands immediately searched out his skin. He thrusted into me again, slow and steady.

“N-Nine…” I whined, him placing gentle yet completely maddening kisses to my neck. I was shaking, him moving inside of me hard like he was before, but he was doing more this time than he had last time. It drove me crazy.

“E-ei…eight…” The word was broken up, mainly because I sobbed in the middle of it. I couldn’t help feeling like I was floating away. I was fucking lost. There was no other way to put it.

In again, and out, in and out, over and over in a mind-numbingly amazing pace.

“S-seven…” It was practically screamed as he began thrusting rougher into me than he had all through it. One of his hands was pressing me down onto the bed, the other had wrapped around my cock as was jerking me off in time with his thrusts.

“S-si-six,” It was cried, and I was quickly losing the tenuous grip I had on my orgasm. I have no idea how I’d managed to hold it all along. “D-daddy.” I cried, “Fuck…”

“That doesn’t sound like a number.” He scolded, stopping. I cried out, shaking my head desperately.

“F-five daddy, FIVE!” I begged and he smirked, thrusting at a faster pace, but not as roughly. The stimulation between both my ass being fucked and my cock being played with was messing me up. I couldn’t focus on much more than the sensation, and I was trying to remember what number came next in my clouded mind.

“Four…” I moaned, his dick pressing directly onto my prostate and I arched, my body clenching as I desperately fought back my orgasm.

“Three more to go, you little sissy.” Though they sounded like a diss, to my completely fried mind, they felt like he’d just called me the love of my life. I was practically glowing as he continued fucking me.

“T-three…” I grunted, shaking all over as my hands continued gripping at his shoulders. I couldn’t hold on much longer, I knew.

But I did. For him. “T-two…” I whimpered, my entire word swallowing down to that one little word and the feeling of him thrusting into me like I was nothing but a sex toy.

“One!” I whispered, my entire body shaking, trembling in need.

“Cum now, you little slut!” Just as the words left him I let go, screaming as loud as possible. I hadn’t meant to, and I was sure that I was saying something, speaking into the screams, yet I had no idea what I was saying.

I was panting, shaking as he slowly ran his hands over me, his softening cock inside of me as he gently pressed kisses to my neck and face.

He was making me feel like such a good boy without even speaking a word to me. But his dominant side kicked in once he’d stopped panting and he was kissing me softly again.

“You’re such a good boy,” he murmured into my ear, just as my eyes slipped close and I was washed away in my dreams.

A/n: This is really long[4261 words!], and it took me fucking forever to write and I still have like six assignments to do but I wanted to update because I reached 10k on Mercy and 9k on Sissy Boy. I’m so happy right now.

You guys are amazing. 

On another note, also, I wanted to ask again, is there any character you’d like to know more about? Is there a certain scene you’d like me to explain deeper? I am thinking of starting a new book (but not a story) that’d contain scenes and characters from my books… only broken down into “authors thoughts” or something like that. It’d be me basically giving more details or something that I’d left out in the book. I don’t know, I just thought that maybe if my IRL friends are curious about certain characters, maybe some of you are, too.

Thanks a ton for the reads, votes, and comments! 

-Anon.

14. αѕѕσ¢ιαтισи

You tell me what is best to do and I take your word literally. I know where I belong, and that is following you. Some things I don’t understand, but I will never question who I belong to.

A S H T O N

Monday came way too fast for my liking. Blake had taken me shopping and let me buy whatever I wanted. I ended up with a bunch of skinny jeans and feminine tee shirts. He bought me school supplies and had bought me a new phone, even. He bought me the nicest clothes, the nicest school supplies… he’d bought me everything I could’ve ever wanted.

I kind of felt like he was pampering me too much… like maybe I was taking way too much and not giving him enough. It seemed like a fair thought because holy shit, since being here, he’s spent a ton of money on panties, clothes, shoes, and school supplies, all things he’d never have to buy if it hadn’t have been for me. I mean, part of me felt guilty but I felt like he wasn’t upset about giving the stuff he got me to me.

“Text me between classes, Ash. Don’t forget. I gave you money for lunch,” I nodded. “Be careful, okay? I’ll be here to pick you up at three fifteen.” He told me and I nodded my head.

“I’ll see you daddy.” I went to get out, then I paused, turning back around and biting my lip shyly. He seemed to understand what I wanted, because he cupped the back of my head and pressed his lips to mine.

Our lips moved together in a passionate, sweet way that was so different from what we usually did. It was usually all sexual, rough, teeth clanging, lip biting lust fueled kiss. No, this kiss was one with emotional, deep… It felt like he was sucking my soul out and pushing his in at the same time.

He pulled away from my lips slowly, hesitating to let me go. “I’m going to miss you, Ash.” I giggled, my cheeks lighting up.

“I’m going to miss you too! But I’ll be home and then you can reward me for being good at school, yes?” I asked, winking at him. He smirked and nodded. “I’ll see you later.” One more chaste kiss and I was out of the car, walking up to the school.

I didn’t want to go back to school, but I had to. I couldn’t let my father ruin my future. Of course, I had a brighter future now than I’d ever had, just because I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t anymore. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. I wanted nothing more than to go to the community college for writing and publish a novel. I knew that it was a long shot, especially because I couldn’t come up with a book idea to save my life.

As I was walking into the office to get my schedule, a hand clasped around my arm. I tensed and jerked my arm out of the grip. “What the hell!” I snapped, looking at Damien like he’d lost his shit entirely. He smiled and poked me. “Don’t touch me,” I absently said as I reached over the counter to get my schedule.

Tia Lynn – Homeroom 8:15 am

Meridith Moody – Brit Lit 9:00 am

Jerimiah Hickens – US History 10:00 am

Oliver Dillon – Forensic Science 11:00 am

Tia Lynn – Creative Writing 12:00 pm

Lunch – 12:15 pm

Tia Lynn – Study hall 1:00 pm

Sarah Kennedy – Trigonometry 2:00 pm

David Holley – DE Multicultural Lit 2:00 pm

“Do you have any of these classes?” I asked, handing him the sheet. Damien shook his head and glanced over the sheet.

“Man, you’re taking college courses, I’m only in regular classes.” He said, looking over it. “I wish I could be half as smart as you. Then, maybe I’d have a chance of getting into Michigan State.” He looked momentarily put out before he shook his head.

“You’ll get in just because you’re that awesome, Dame.” I told him and I could’ve sworn he’d blushed, but he quickly turned his head away from me. “Excuse me, miss…” I said, leaning over the counter. The lady, Miss Darby turned around and looked at me over the rim of her way too old glasses.

“Yes, dear?” She asked, and I bit my lip before handing her my schedule.

“There’s two classes at two o’clock. I can’t be at both, can I?” I asked, and she hummed lightly. She took my schedule over to her computer and typed in my name. She shook her head, and smiled a bit. She stood up and walked back over to me after a couple of seconds.

“Trigonometry is Monday and Wednesday and Friday, Multicultural Lit is Tuesday, Thursday.” She explained. I nodded, and bit my lip. “You can always take Holley off your sheet, but the counsellor took into account that you’re trying to get into a writing academy so she made your schedule helpful to that.”

I shook my head quickly. “Oh no, no. That’s quite alright. I can deal with having two literature classes.” She smiled.

“Okay, dear. I’m glad to get that cleared up for you.” She handed me my schedule back after writing down in her scrawl; Mon, Weds, Fri – Trig. Multi Lit – Tues, Thurs. It made sense now, so I didn’t mind.

“It sucks that we don’t have any of the same classes.” Damien sighed. “Do you think I can come over to your house?” He asked and I bit my lip, pulling my phone out and writing a quick message to Blake, telling him my schedule. “Oh, and who was that guy dropping you off earlier?” He asked.

“I don’t live at home anymore.” I said quickly. He looked skeptical. “Blake is my boyfriend.” I explained.

“He looks a lot older than you, Ash.” I shrugged, biting my lip. “Like, that’s child molestation…” I laughed loudly at that.

“Hardly. I’m eighteen, it’s completely legal. And my parents kicked me out where was I supposed to go?” My phone vibrated and I put my finger down on the fingerprint scanner and it opened up. I giggled softly.

Blake [8:30 am]: Nice job, love. I had no doubt that you were brilliant. What time do I need to be there to pick you up?

I giggled and typed in same time you thought, I suppose. “He’s really good to me, Dame. And, besides age doesn’t matter. Not to me.” I said as he walked beside me.

“He could easily take advantage of you, though.” His words were harsh, and I groaned.

“Listen, okay? I care about Blake a lot. I trust him. He’s not a bad guy. Trust me on that.” I said, seeing Tia Lynn’s class. “This is me. I’ll see you later.” I went to walk in before I turned around. “And, I don’t really think you should come over to my house until you can accept Blake. For right now, he’s my boyfriend. How long it’ll last is unclear, but… I hope it lasts for a long time because he makes me happy. Just… accept it.” I turned and walked into the classroom, leaving Damien standing in the hallway alone.

I grabbed a seat, waiting for purgatory to begin.

The day had seemingly flown by, and I found myself sitting in Creative Writing before no time. I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Damien so I believe he got the message. I don’t want to deal with someone else judging me based on something I can’t help. I’m attracted to older men, and it’s nothing that I can change. Besides, I wouldn’t change it, even if I could.

Blake is phenomenal in every way, and I love being around him. Hell, it’s probably way too soon to say this, but I think I just love him.

“You seem to be the first student in my class every period, don’t you?” Mrs. Lynn asked as I sat in the front of the class. I nodded, looking over her slowly. “I like it when students are eager to learn. Most people in the classroom aren’t too enthused. They typically have to do this course for an extra credit.”

“I requested this class.” I admitted. “I want to go to the community college here so I can be a writer.” I told her, and she smiled a bit.

“You know, I know some people down at the community college, they are old friends. If you do well this year, maybe I can give you a letter of recommendation.” She said sweetly. I smiled happily.

“That’d be great!” I said excitedly. “I just love to write so much. It gives me an escape… somewhere where life turns and is twisted until nothing looks the same. Time is frozen still—or maybe it’s moved too fast, or too slow… it’s completely in your control.” I told her, and she nodded.

“I’ve read a bit of your previous work, and it seemed rather nice. I’d like to read more if you have any.” She told me, and I nodded eagerly, and then frowned.

“I have more a—at my parents…” I lowered my eyes. “But I’m not really able to just waltz over and ask for a cup of tea while I grab the books.” I admitted softly. She frowned a bit.

“Well, you’ll write more. Maybe you could write something and bring it in to me, whenever you get the chance. You’ll be starting a writing assignment next week, so you’ll be doing that anyway.” I nodded, and smiled at her.

“That’ll be nice.” I told her, pulling out my notebooks as I got ready for class.

The rest of school passed by pretty quickly. I was excited when I found myself sitting in front of the school, my brand new cellphone playing music in my ears. I was looking up around for Blake’s jeep when my headphones were pulled out of my head. I looked up in shock, and saw Damien.

“What?” I snapped, standing up. He bit his lip and looked conflicted.

“I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t want to see you get hurt, that’s all. I mean, if you think that he’s good for you, that’s all that matters, right?” He asked, and I nodded. “Is he on his way?” He asked, and I nodded again.

“School let out a few minutes earlier than he thought it would,” I explained. “He told me if I wanted I could drive myself to school, but I don’t really want to. It’s nice to see him right after school. If you really are cool with us, you can ask if you can come over after school. But I have homework and we had some plans…” I blushed, lowering my eyes away from his. “I suppose those can wait until later, though… Nothing too pressing.” I bit my lip, and saw him blushing brightly.

“Well, if it’s okay with him… I really need some help with my Literature homework.” He said and I nodded.

“Sounds good.” I said, looking around and my heart jumping when I finally see Blake’s jeep. He pulls up to the curb just as I am about to bounce out of my shoes. “Hiya.” I whispered shyly, and opened the door. “This is my friend Damien. We were going to do homework this afternoon, if you didn’t mind?”

Blake smirked a bit and shook his head. “It’s your house too, Trouble. You can bring over anyone… just not too many anyone’s at one time. I do have work to do in my office.” He said, and I nodded.

“We’ll be quiet, I promise, I said, picking my bag up and throwing it into the back seat as I crawled into the jeep. Damien opened the door behind me and crawled in, placing his backpack beside mine. I leaned over and kissed Blake softly, shyly, testing the waters. When he smirked against my lips I imagined that he was please.

He didn’t let us get too heated because of the eyes from the backseat that were pointedly looking away so as not to intrude. “I missed you,” I breathed quietly. “Would you do your work down in the kitchen with us?” I asked sweetly as he pulled away from the curb of the school.

“I don’t see any reason why not. Would you like anything while we’re out?” He asked, and I bit my lip.

“Coffee?” I asked and he sighed deeply and nodded.

“All the coffee you drink is going to give you a heart attack.” He joked as he began looking around for the coffee shop.

“It’s right here,” I said, pointing to the little coffee shop I’d been going to since I was twelve. It was a nice little place with amazingly brewed coffee and tons of flavors to mix and match to make anyone drool.

He pulled in, and went through the drive through. “Hello what can I get you, today?” A deep, droning voice drawled.

“Cookies and crème Frappuccino and…” he turned to Damien.

“I’d like a caramel Iced coffee. I’ll give you change when we get to your place.” He said, and Blake nodded easily.

“Caramel Iced coffee and one regular coffee with a couple cups of sugar.” He ordered, and the guy totaled it up to ten bucks, which is pretty cheap. “How was school,” Blake asked and I giggled.

“I love my teachers. Maybe its just because I’m a senior this year and I won’t have to come back again.” I said, and he chuckled.

He got us our coffee from the window and handed his card to the guy. The guy swiped it and handed it back, and we were off. We didn’t take long to get home, and I couldn’t wait to just get inside. I regretted bringing Damien because I wanted to love all over Blake right now. But, of course, Damien was here.

He better be glad that I halfway decently like him because I had been all day without being dicked down and now I want my daddy. I groaned mentally and spared a longing gaze at Blake.

He chuckled and shrugged, shooting me the same look back. I fought back the urge to blush and embarrass myself. It’s not like he’s spending the night. It’ll just be a couple hours and then I can let my daddy fuck me like the dirty little slut that I am.

Fuck. I want my daddy. I shook my head, disappointment going up and down my spine. Why couldn’t I have thought this through better?

I got inside of the house in record time because I saw my dad glaring angrily over at me. The others followed behind me easily, and I sat my stuff down in the kitchen. “Blakey,” I whined, and he shot me a look

He hated that nickname, but I’d never give it up. I need something cutesy to call him when people are around and I can’t call him daddy. It’ll have to do until I figure out something better. “What, Ashton?” He asked me teasingly.

“I can’t wait until we’re alone later. I want you to bend me over and fuck me like you’ve never fucked me before.” I whispered into his ear, gently running my nose along the amazing smelling skin of his neck.

He glanced around, seeing that Damien was already setting up at the table. “Just you wait, little boy. I’ll have you screaming daddy so loud you’ll wake the dead.” His words were so sexy against my ear, and I shivered at the thought.

“Oh please…” I whispered, but he pulled away from me and tapped me on the ass in a gentle reminder.

“I have to get my laptop I’ll be right back,” He said confidently, leaving me standing there with lust filling my entire body. I felt like my skin was on fire, and I needed to breathe in deeply through my nose to keep from losing control.

I pouted and sighed as I thought about what I gave up for Damien to come over.

I’m not really sure if he’s worth it, yet. Because our earlier conversation was still fresh on my mind. I shook my head and forced myself to immerse myself into my schoolwork, just glad that I at least had Blake’s presence.

15. αмвιтισи

I know that you own me, there’s no other way to say it. I belong on my knees for you, pleasuring you and being your toy. That’s all that I need. My only ambition is to please you.

A S H T O N

The minute that Damien was out the door, I threw myself at Blake, my entire body relieved entirely. All I wanted was my daddy and I’d been denied that all damned day. I loved Damien, he was like my brother, but I seriously just wanted him to go home. I mean, I get that it’d been a couple of weeks since I’d seen him, but really, I needed to fuck my daddy. And it’s not like I hadn’t already let him in on our plans, without giving him all the dirty details.

“Calm down, Trouble,” He told me, softly trailing kisses up and down my neck. His words made me pause and I nodded, lowering my eyes automatically.

He pulled away from me, making me whimper. “Daddy—!” I whined as he dragged me up the stairs. “What are you doing?” I asked curiously as we passed the playroom. He laughed softly and shook his head. He led me into our room and smirked.

“Don’t question your daddy,” He murmured softly, stepping forward and trailing gentle kisses up my cheek from my neck to the corner of my lips. I whimpered, slipping my eyes shut as he kissed me teasingly.

“But daddy… I need you.” I complained shyly, gripping onto him and wrapping myself around him like a vice.

“Daddy’s little whore,” He whispered against my neck, making me moan softly and tighten my grip on him. “It’s too bad that daddy doesn’t want to fuck his troublemaker yet.” I whined in annoyance and pressed closer against him.

“Daddy, I was gone all day .” I complained into his ear and he laughed, shaking his head. “I need my daddy, I thought I was going to jump your bones with Damien here!” I cried in mock horror. Honestly, Damien could’ve watched me fuck him like the desperate little cock whore I’d become and I’d never even care.

“I don’t doubt that you’re missing my cock but you’re just going to have to wait.” I bit my lip, wanting to protest but I figured it’d do no good. He had his mind made up, and honestly having him bathe with me didn’t sound too terrible. I would just have to play it extra dirty in the bath. “If you’re a good boy, I’ll hop in with you and wash every inch of your body.” I bit my lip and nodded eagerly.

“Daddy, but I’m still horny.” It wasn’t an argument, I swear. I’d never argue with Blake… it was just me pointing out that I was a needy, very horny eighteen year old boy that needed attention.

“I know,” His words were cocky, they frustrated me, but made me happy at the same damn time. “But, I want to take my time and learn every inch of your body,” His words sent fire raging through me. I wanted so badly to just have him buried deep inside of me. It’s selfish, I know but I wanted it so bad.

“Okay daddy,” I bit my lip, deciding that I’d love for him to feel all over me. I would love for him to caress every inch of my body. I can live without an orgasm today. It’s not like I’ve not gone without one for weeks at a time…

But ever since I’ve been here, he’s fucked me like the energizer bunny. I’ve came more times since I have been here than my entire adulthood. “Don’t be disappointed. I’m still going to fuck you. But if you keep pouting like a five year old who didn’t get the lollipop he wanted, I won’t even touch you,” His words were meant to scold me, and I swear I felt a moments regret… but I couldn’t help the shot of adrenaline that shot up my spine.

As much as I loved being pegged trouble, I didn’t want him to actually believe that I was trouble. I wanted him to love me, not to dislike me being so needy.

He picked me up and carried me on his side into the bathroom. He then sat me on the counter and began running a bath for us. He poured in some bubble bath and let the water run. He then slowly began undressing me. His warm hands started at my shirt and took it off of me slowly.

I bit my lip, looking up at him. “I kind of want a belly button piercing.” I told him softly, and he smirked a bit, shaking his head in wonder.

“You’re so femme and you don’t even realize it.” He was gently teasing and it made me giggle slightly. “I can see you with a belly button piercing. You want to know what else I can see you with.” He asked teasingly and I nodded softly. “I can see you getting your back dimples pierced, those are always so cute. I bet they’d be really adorable on you.”

“That’s something to think about.” I bit my lip and blushed, looking down at him. “But also… I’d like a tattoo.”

“Oh? What of?” He asked, and I bit my lip as he sat me down on the floor on my feet and pushed my jeans down to my ankles along with the panties. I stood in front of him bare, and unashamed.

“Well, it wouldn’t be until later, like, when we were secure in our relationship… but I’d like to get your name tattooed on me… anywhere you’d like it.” I admitted softly, and he smirked at me.

“That can be arranged whenever you feel comfortable.” He murmured, picking my naked body up after stripping down and walked us over to the tub. He sank down into it and positioned me over his cock. I moaned softly, feeling like I’d never get to feel him inside of me. “I’d love to get you tattooed, it’d be so sexy. Of course when you get yours, I’d probably get one as well.” I moaned softly, turning around and straddling his hips so I could see his face.

“You’re so sexy, daddy.” I whispered, looking over him with heat in my eyes. I’d never been so horny before in my life and it was about to drive me crazy. I wanted him so bad. “I love your tattoos,” I ran my fingers down over them teasingly, tracing one with the tips of my fingers.

“You’re so damn sexy Ash.” Blake groaned, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. “You’re just too adorable for your own good.” I bit my lip, giggling softly.

“I try to be adorable. It gets me my way more often than not.” I admitted softly, pressing a teasing and playful kiss on his mouth.

“You’re such a slut, Ash. You just can’t help but be horny.” His words weren’t meant to be offending, and they didn’t offend me in slightest. Though I felt like maybe they would have, had it been anyone other than him saying it. But at this point it was just me and daddy, and he could call me a slut all he wanted. I am his slut.

“I know daddy,” I admitted, looking embarrassingly shy. “I’m you’re slut though, so that makes it all okay.” I wasn’t sure if that was a healthy mind frame, but it felt right.

“You’re right, trouble. Now, tell me, what exactly was it that you were so fucking desperate for this afternoon?” He asked me teasingly and I bit my lip.

“Well, I really want to feel you inside of me…” I admitted softly.

“Why?” He asked me.

“Well, I missed you all day, and having sex with you always makes me feel really amazing.” I blushed softly, burying my face in his neck. “I wanted to feel you close to me.” I felt so pathetic admitting it but I couldn’t lie to my daddy. It was against the rules, and I have always been the good boy. I’ll always be a good boy for him.

“You could’ve just explained that to me, love.” He sounded so sexy as he spoke into my ear, making my skin light on fire. He put his hands on my hips, pushing the head of his cock against my cock. “You’re so damn tempting, Ash.”

He put a warm hand on my lower back and pushed his cock slowly into me. I moaned, feeling as if I’d never felt so amazing in my life. He was so damned big inside of me.

“God daddy you’re so big,” I moaned, closing my eyes and pushing against him.

“Yeah, you love my cock, don’t you, trouble? It’s so big, and it fills you up all the way to the brim, your beautiful little hole stretching around my cock like a vice.” I moaned, nodding my head and arching up into his body desperately. “You’re my little whore, Ash. You are mine. Your lips are mine, your ass is mine, and your adorable little cock is mine. All of you is mine.”

His words sank deep into my head as I lost myself in his body. He slowly moved against me pulling me up and pushing me back down on him, his cock brushing against me all over.

As much as I wanted it hard and fast, we couldn’t do that. And I didn’t really mind. I felt like I was floating.

“Daddy, it’s so good.” I sighed, burying my face in his neck and wiggling my hips. The water splashed around us, and I giggled softly as it tickled at my skin.

“I know, baby.” He teased softly, and I bit my lip moaning softly. “You’re a good little boy, okay? Take daddy just like you were always meant to,” Though his words were harsh, I felt as though I was flying and I wanted nothing more than to be touched. I loved my daddy touching me this way. It felt so good… I felt so useful, so amazing when he was inside of me.

“Baby, imagine…” And I was lost as his words enveloped me and painted a wonderful picture in my head.

~ + ~

I settled comfortably into Blake’s arms, exhausted. He’d taken me thrice in the bathroom, and made me cum twice each time. I felt like I was going to explode I felt so amazing, but I simply found myself sinking into the touch.

His arms were wrapped around me tightly. I felt so safe in his arms. He was comforting and warm. He was like a shield, protecting me from everyone and everything. I felt so amazing as he clasped me to him.

His grip was steel tight, and it gave me no room to be pulled away. Not that I want to, anyway. I love him.

I jumped, pulling out of his arms in shock. Okay, no way. Too fast. He definitely didn’t feel the same way about me.

I can’t be in love with him… It’s just way too soon. But soon or not, I felt like I belonged here in his arms. I might be crazy for it, but I do really believe I have fallen in love with him. “What’s wrong, pup.” I bit my lip and looked up at him.

“I thought I heard my dad outside,” I lied softly, cuddling back up to him without another word.

I can feel like I love him all I want, but telling him is another story. He just smiled softly, putting his hands on my hips softly and pulled me closer to him. “You’re safe, even if he is out there.”

I giggled softly, sinking back down into his embrace without a thought. “I know I am,” I admitted softly. “You make me feel safe.” It was true, and it seemed to make him happy, too. Because as soon as the words were uttered, he’d smiled softly and pressed a gentle, loving kiss to my forehead.

“You always will be with me.” I nodded as he spoke, believing ever word he said. “It’s okay to be scared, though.”

“I know. I just feel a bit silly, jumping at the thought of hearing him.” I didn’t have much else to say about it, because well… it wasn’t true. And I didn’t want to weave too many lies so as not to get confused. I knew that I couldn’t let him know just yet how deeply I cared for him.

He must’ve gotten the point that I didn’t really want to focus on it, because he dropped it pretty quickly, and I smiled, closing my eyes and letting exhaustion take over.

I couldn’t dwell too much on things I can’t change in my sleep, so I figured it was just as well.

16. ρσѕιтισи

With every touch I realize why I’m here, why I chose you. With ever kiss I realize why I need you. Because as long as I’m on my knees in this position, I don’t have to worry about anything but you.

A S H T O N 

The weekend came way too slowly for my tastes. I missed being home with Blake all the time. I couldn’t get him out of my head at school. It was helping me tremendously though, because I’ve been getting a lot of inspiration for writing.

Blake and I were currently sitting in the living room. He was reading and I was laying on the couch, my feet in his lap while I texted Damien.

Damien [1:25 pm]: Why can’t I come over? You act like I offended the guy last time. I just want to hang out.

I sighed, glaring at the phone angrily. I just didn’t want to see Damien. I had missed him over the summer, sure, but he was a handful to deal with and honestly I have enough of him by the end of the week and just want some Ashton time.

Me [1:30 pm]: You didn’t offend him, I just don’t feel well. I’m thinking about getting Blake to come lay down with me. I kind of have a headache.

I knew he wouldn’t protest if he thought I had a headache. Since I was seven, when he’d pushed me out of our treehouse in the woods, I’d gotten headaches that were murderous. The headache was caused by bumping my head… about five times?

My mom had been worried about me having brain damage. But, I was left with nothing but a little scar and terrifyingly intense headaches. Sometimes the headaches were so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. I would just lay there, unable to eat, sleep or even drink. The slightest bit of anything would make my stomach sick and I’d have to lean over the toilet until I emptied it into the toilet bowl. It’s not a pleasant thought, so typically I’d avoid eating or drinking when I had a headache. I’d take an aspirin, and I’d drink a small glass of pickle juice and I’d lay down until it went away. I really did feel the beginnings of one starting, so I didn’t really feel bad about lying to him.

“Daddy?” I asked timidly, and he paused, turning his deep, sexy eyes to look at me from where he sat.

“Yes, Ash?” He asked me and I bit my lip feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Well, I typically wouldn’t ask because I know it’s private,” I said, biting my lip as I looked up at him. “I was wondering if I could use your laptop? I’ve been writing some rough drafts in my notebooks and I wanted to see what would happen if I strung them all together…” I asked him and he put his hand on my ankle.

“Ashton, what’s mine is yours, just don’t mess with my business records and I don’t care.” He told me. “Do you want me to go get it for you or do you know where it is?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“I don’t know if I know where it is or not, but I can look for it if you’d like?” I asked.

“I’ll go get it for you. I’ll show you where I keep it so you won’t have to look for it next time. The paperwork from work is organized just so and if one measly paper is moved I’ll lose complete track of what I’m doing.” He told me, standing up and going to get it.

Damien [1:33 pm]: I think you just don’t like me anymore. Is that what it is? Did this new boyfriend of yours turn you into a fuckin snob? I never envisioned you being a little whore like you’ve been being lately.

I couldn’t help the shock of hurt that went through me at his words. Though I knew that he was just hurt that I didn’t want to spend time with him, I still didn’t deserve to be called a whore.

Me [1:35]: I cannot believe you just called me a whore. Fuck you, Damien. My boyfriend showed me that I don’t have to lay down and take your shit. If you can’t be friendly and kind to me, take a long walk off a short ass pier. Last time I checked who I fucked was none of your business, and I am not a snob.

It took a moment but Blake walked back in, his laptop in one of his hands and a power cord in the other. One look at me and he was instantly alerted.

“What’s the matter?” He demanded. I bit my lip, glancing down at my phone.

“It’s nothing really big, daddy. I just… Damien called me a whore and I mean, I know he is mad because I don’t want to hang out like I used to.” I sighed, looking up at him. “But, I just… don’t want to deal with him all the damned time. I get so tired of him talking down to me all the time.”

“Well, why don’t you just tell him that?” He asked, and I shrugged. He handed me the computer and I reached down under the coffee table and grabbed out my writing notebook.

“I just don’t want to lose the only person in school that protects me. I’ve seen how gay guys are treated in this town… I don’t really want to be bullied.” I admitted. “I mean, Damien and I don’t have much in common at all. He’s loud, rude and pushy. But, he’s been my friend for years.” I admitted, looking down at the computer he handed me. I opened it, surprised to see it password free.

“Ah yes, I guess I understand that. Well, what are your plans for after high school?” He asked and I bit my lip in embarrassment.

“Honestly I would kind of like to be a professional writer.” I admitted, looking down at the computer as I open up a word document and sit the notebook on the coffee table where I could see it.

“Oh, what kind of stories?” He asked me and I shrugged.

“The only kind I’m good at is… well, romance,” I tell him, and he smirked a bit, looking down at me from the couch. I slipped my feet back into his lap now that he’s back on the couch. He laughed softly, shaking his head.

“You, darling, are a handful and a half.” He said softly, running his fingers over my ankle softly. I giggled, looking up at him with a pointed look.

“Only my daddy can do anything with me.” I winked playfully, and he smirked. I looked back down to the word document and I began writing.

We fell into a comfortable silence as he read and I wrote. Normally I couldn’t write if someone was in the room with me. I had to be alone to concentrate, but this time, I didn’t have that problem. The only problem I’m having is the dammed ache between my eyeballs.

Just being around my master put my mind to rest. I didn’t have to worry or think, and I wasn’t uncomfortable or annoyed. He was able to exceed every standard I had by at least three thousand.

He don’t even try to either. It’s not like he’s pointedly being quiet. He just kept massaging my ankle as he read his book and I typed on his computer.

I couldn’t help the excitement from the story I was writing. To be honest, Blake kind of is the inspiration. He is the reason I came up with the idea for the story I’m going to write. And once I finish it, I’d like for him to read it. Just so that he’d know what he made me feel like, even though it’s not a diary and it’s not about me at all… in fact, I completely created an entire storyline based off of similar things.

Except, minus the BDSM, of course. I know nothing of it but what I’ve experienced and that’s not much. I can’t imagine having to explain to him what I mean when I have no idea yet.

Instead, I figure what I’ll do is incorporate it slowly. Kind of like he is doing with me. Except it’ll mainly just be the submission to the other man that drives the boy in my story.

“You’re blushing, Ashton.” It was a statement that made my heart race in excitement. The way he said it made my body ache to be filled again.

We’ve already had sex today, and though I’m all for multiple rounds, I’m just not sure I can handle it today because I hadn’t been lying when I told Damien I had a headache. The feeling of my head throbbing was there, distant but there nonetheless.

Today’s hadn’t been half as horrible as the last one I had though.

I typically just write off my headaches to nothing because I get them so frequently. It’s not like I don’t notice them, I just don’t let on that something is wrong because it tends to just worry people and I don’t like to do that much.

And besides, what can anyone do for a fucking headache? A doctor can’t help, and neither can anyone else.

I knew that sometimes a headache will start off okay, and then by the end of the day I’m hurling my food into the toilet and sleeping in tepid water trying to ease the ache of my entire body.

And I could tell by the fact that my eyes were going blurry and aching and my fingers were shaking as I typed that my headache was getting worse. Or maybe it was the fact that suddenly, my head hurt so badly it was almost unbearable.

“I think I need to lie down.” I told him, picking up the laptop and setting it on the coffee table carefully. “Is that okay?” I asked him.

He looked over me with an analytical look. He was obviously concerned, and nodded his head. “Are you okay, trouble?” He asked, and I nodded mutely.

“I just need to nap a bit.” I told him and he nodded skeptically. I walked up the stairs slowly, knowing if I move too fast I’ll get dizzy.

I probably should’ve told him about the headache, but I don’t really want to make him worry too much about something that I have suffered with for years. And I also know that this should pass within a couple hours and he couldn’t really help with it anyway.

I would just have to rest it out and keep the lights out. So, I stripped down to my panties and crawled into the bed that I shared with my master and laid down, burying my head in his pillow to block out the light from the window.

I covered up to my ears, fighting the urge to scream from how badly my head hurt.

But, it didn’t take long before I heard the door being opened and Blake toeing off his shoes. He must’ve noticed my clothes being thrown on the floor and I heard the rustle of the clothing as the clothes he had been wearing hit the ground. It didn’t take long before I felt him crawling in beside me, pulling my close to his chest.

I moaned in pain as I accidentally looked up at the window. He noticed because he immediately stilled. “Trouble?” He whispered, and I nodded, unable to look up at him. “Are you okay?” He asked me.

“Mhm.” It came out muffled against the pillow.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, and I shook my head.

“Headache.” I murmur into the pillow and he pulls me closer to him, letting me bury my face in his chest so I couldn’t see outside. “It hurts so bad.” I whined and he nodded a bit.

“It seemed to hit you suddenly,” he murmured softly. I shrugged a bit, keeping my eyes closed as I fought off a wave of nausea. I can’t upchuck on him. I absolutely will not .

“I’ve had headaches for years.” I told him quietly. “I already know why I have them and that there isn’t anything doctors can do. I just suffer through them.”

“That seems rather redundant, doesn’t it?” He asked me. I shrugged quietly.

Thankfully, he understands that I don’t feel well and doesn’t speak much to me after that question. He just held me close to him, comforting me as I was in pain.

I sure do hope that this ends soon because I want to be able to go about my life.

But I didn’t feel quite as bad, merely because he was here, holding me as I suffered. And I know that it’s not like he’s magically curing me or something but it was a bit comforting. The pain was still there, unbearable, but it felt a bit like he was suffering with me and even though I never wanted my master to suffer, I felt somewhat better knowing that I’ve got someone to hold me while I go through this.

I am so lucky that I got Blake. I can’t believe that such a loving, sweet, successful and handsome man is interested in me .

I mean, what am I? Nothing much at all.

But inside of his arms, being nothing much didn’t seem quite as horrible as it could’ve. In fact, it felt a bit like I was a lucky prince who had finally found their prince who was going to sweep them away.

And in reality, he did that for me.

So, maybe it’s just meant to be…

I hope it’s meant to be, I mean. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I lose Blake. He’s the center of my universe.

And I was happy to move around him, because he lit up the dark when I was all alone and that’s something that I loved about him… his ability to make even the most horrendous of situations somewhat less horrible and somewhat more enjoyable.

17. αgιтαтισи

I’m so tired of the pain in my head, it’s driving me insane. The only cure that I can find, is wrapped in his arms, with sleep clinging to me like a vice.

A S H T O N

I woke up, my head absolutely pounding and my throat dry as the Sahara, with sweat covering my body. The light shining in the room was surprising considering that I felt like I’d slept decades instead of just hours. I was alone, Blake must’ve snuck out at some point. His clothes were still lying on the floor so I suppose that he was somewhere around here.

I laid there, my head pounding like I was banging a drum in my head. I have been having these headaches since I was young, but I can’t really remember one hurting quite this bad.

I moaned, rolling over and burying my face in Blake’s pillow. He smelled so good, like soap and some other kind of musk that was purely man. I sighed, the smell soothing me just a bit.

The sudden movement sent a wave of nausea through me like a bullet and I jumped, running to the bathroom and gagging into the toilet bowl.

I heard the door open to the bedroom and I cried out, “No!” I slammed the bathroom door shut with my foot.

“Ash are you okay?” Blake asked, and I nodded, but realized he couldn’t see me so I coughed slightly, glowering into the toilet bowl.

“I’m fine.” I call, my throat burning. I flushed the toilet, trying to get up and tripping. He pushed the door open and ran to me. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked over me.

“Are you okay?” He demanded and I nodded again, coughing a bit. “You don’t look okay. But you’re not running a fever, so I suppose that that’s good… did you vomit?” He asked.

I sighed and nodded, my cheeks going red as he looked over me in curiosity. He put his hand on my forehead and then shook his head. “Are you coming down with a cold?” He asked.

I shook my head no. “It’s just this headache. It’ll go away.” I sighed, leaning against the sink.

“Have you taken an aspirin?” He asked, and I nodded my head, covering my eyes. “I don’t understand how this happened. You were fine-” He started, and I shrugged.

“I had a headache, it just wasn’t bad.” I told him. “I get them a lot.” I told him, and he shook his head.

“You said the doctor told you why you had them, why’s that?” He asked and I sighed deeply, not liking at all where this was going to end up going.

“When I was like seven, Damien pushed me out of a tree house my dad had helped us build. I hit my head five or six times.” I explained. “I have gotten murderous headaches ever since. The doctors checked for brain damage and the like and nothing came up. It just made me have intense headaches.”

“That doesn’t make sense.” He said and I sighed. “I get that hitting your head can give you one headache, but lasting for eleven years? Somethings wrong there. Did you ever return for a follow up?” He asked.

“Daddy, really, I’m fine.” I said. “I’ve dealt with them for eleven years, just as you said. It’s not a big deal.” I told him coming forward and putting a hand on his shoulder. As I moved a wave of dizziness washed over me from the headache. “I need to lay back down.” I said, and he sighed deeply, nodding his head.

“If you’re not better by Monday, I’m taking you to the doctor.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. I nodded my head, not up to arguing with him about anything.

I crawled back into bed, covering my face up with the blanket and shivering. I feel like shit , I think to myself, closing my eyes and hoping that I’ll go back to sleep.

Go figure it doesn’t work. Blake isn’t here, holding me and making me feel safe and warm, so of course I’m going to sit here like an idiot with a pounding headache and a sick stomach.

A weight on the bed made my stomach lurch and I jumped up, running back to the bathroom.

Fuck me fuck me fuck meeeee! I feel like screaming as I expel whatever was in my stomach. It didn’t feel like much at all, not surprising at all.

I don’t remember eating today, so I guess there’s really nothing to throw up. But of course that doesn’t stop my body from working it’s ass off to kick me down when I feel like a walking pile of shit.

I tensed, my stomach churning in an uncomfortable way. I groaned, clutching my head and pushing away from the toilet.

“Here, let me help.” Blake said gently, putting his hands under my arms and picking me up, cradling me to his side like a child. He sat me down on the counter and got a rag, cleaning my face up and then flushing the toilet. He ran his fingers down my sides, looking over me with worry evident in his eyes.

“I wish you’d let me take you to the doctor.” He said and I shook my head stubbornly. He sighed, shaking his head at me.

“I’m okay, daddy. It’s just a migraine. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong.” I told him. He sighed deeply, his concern not leaving, but he did stop pestering me about it as he picked me back up, carrying me to the bed again. He gently wrapped me up in his arms, laying us down and he held me closely to his body.

“I am serious about you going Monday if you’re not better.” I rolled my eyes, burying my face in the crease of his neck with a noise of agreement.

I hardly think that this’ll last that long. It’s never lasted longer than two days so it should be better.

And even if it isn’t, I doubt he’ll even remember it tomorrow. And even if he does, what would the point of going to the doctor if I already know why I get the headaches? It’s not like they are going to magically have some miracle cure that’ll cure me for the rest of my life.

It’s just something that I’ll have to learn to deal with. It’s just a headache. It’ll go away in a few hours and then everything’ll be fine. I hope.

I hope everything will be fine.

I curled up as close to Blake as possible and kept my eyes squeezed shut as tight as possible.

I kept my eyes shut, praying that I’d manage to fall asleep so that I didn’t have to deal with the pain anymore.

The forced darkness slowly became an all-consuming darkness, and I let myself sink into it because that darkness meant relief, if only for a few minutes.

The next time I opened my eyes it was dark outside, and I felt Blake gently kissing my face and neck, whispering soft words in my ear to wake me up. I winced at the screaming in my head and squinted at him.

He was laying on top of me, a worried look on his face. “Mmm?” I moaned, my throat felt like sandpaper as I spoke and he winced slightly.

“You were whining in your sleep. I woke you up to give you an acetaminophen.” I raised an eyebrow, looking up at him in confusion.

“Mm what?” I murmured, and he sighed deeply looking over me with that analytical expression on his face.

“Acetaminophen. Aspirin.” He explained and I nodded, opening my eyes a little bit. I was relieved to see that he had no light but a tiny sliver from the hallway in the room, so I could open my eyes enough to fully make him out in the darkness.

His dark eyes were worried, and they were looking over every part of my skin as if looking for somewhere I was injured. His hair was messy, clearly from sleeping most of the day with me.

“I—I pickle… juice.” I managed to get out, my throat felt so dry it hurt to say anything. Man, what the fuck is up with that? I haven’t ever had that problem before in my life. He nodded and got up, running downstairs to get it for me.

I sighed, arching up and covering my eyes up in a desperate hope for some sort of relief. When Blake returns, he hands me the glass of pickle juice and I take the two pills he handed me, swallowing them with a bit of the pickle juice.

Once I took them, I started sipping on the juice, scrunching my nose up at the smell. Personally, I love pickles. And it just so happens that pickles help with headaches. They aren’t some magical cure, but they do ease the edge off a bit. I sighed deeply, laying back against the bed.

“Are you hungry?” Blake asked me and I shook my head no. “You have been in bed all day, you haven’t eaten anything. You should eat.” He told me and I shook my head again.

“I can’t.” I croaked, getting comfortable. “It’ll make me sick again, and I don’t want to get sick again.” I explained and he shook his head, crawling into bed beside me and wrapping his warm arms around me.

I sank into his touch, feeling like shit. “I’m sorry.” I murmured, keeping my eyes shut so that I didn’t have to look at him.

I feel so horrible. I can’t help but feel guilty because Blake has been in bed with me all day and hasn’t gotten to have any fun. I mean, I know that we had sex earlier but we’d rested after that so there was no way that he was sleeping all this time. That meant that he had been laying there awake.

“What for?” He whispered back, and I was glad because honestly if he spoke in his usual tone, I probably would’ve died. I love Blake, but honestly, he’s got a loud voice, and normally I love it… but I have such a terrible headache I couldn’t enjoy it.

“I have kept you from having fun.” I told him, keeping my eyes shut. I knew that he’d be angry at me because of my head hurting—my dad always was. He told me that I needed to be more of a man. Of course, he said it in a fatherly way…

Ash, you need to stop letting yourself lay down over a minor headache , he’d tell me. And even though I felt like my head was exploding, I ached to get up.

“You’re plenty of fun.” He told me and I shook my head, pouting at him.

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.” I whispered, burying my face in his warm side. I heard him sigh and nuzzled closer to him.

“I don’t reserve peoples feelings, pup. If I found it annoying, I would’ve just gotten up and went about my day.” Though it made sense, I didn’t believe it much. I knew that I could be pretty whiny, and I have no idea why someone would ever want to spend time with me when I am in so much pain.

It’s like he said, I was whining in my sleep. Certainly that’s not normal.

But, it seemed pretty typical for me. I tend to do things that no one else does. Like, I don’t snore, so I obviously have to do something in my sleep, right? Does that mean that I’m a whiner?

Oh god, I’m a whiner.

“Still,” I murmured, looking up at him shyly. “I didn’t mean to make you bed bound.” He smirked a bit, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer to him, pressing his lips to my temple softly.

“I don’t mind being in the bed with you.” He told me. I snuggled into his chest, feeling like the world was going to explode from the sheer amazingness of my daddy.

“Thank you daddy.” I murmured, getting comfortable. He smiled a bit and kissed my forehead softly.

“No problem, trouble.” He whispered, kissing my neck softly. I giggled quietly and instantly regretted it because my head seemed to explode, and I felt like I was going to be sick again.

But daddy just wrapped his arms around me and whispered soft words in my ears, calming me down. I whimpered, cuddling close and shutting my eyes.

I hope that sleep will come. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some shut eye so that I can calm down and sleep this headache off. My masters voice was comforting to me, though, and I quickly found myself dozing back off to sleep.

The last thought that passed my mind was, I am so lucky that I’ve got my daddy. 

A/n: Just so everyone knows, I wrote a new book called Puppy. It’s just a one shot—but it’s written in both the Dom and the Subs POV. I did this because, well… it makes it appeal to more people and hell, I kind of enjoyed it. So, if you’re interested in that, go check it out! It’s complete. Also, I’m going to be making a second called Kitten so keep your eyes out for that! Cool, thanks for taking your time to read this shit even though you probably really don’t give a flying fuck.

~Anon.

18. αииєχαтισи

You can do anything to me I am yours. I am your property. You own me. And I don’t mind that.

A S H T O N

I felt slightly better Monday. Blake hadn’t wanted to let me go to school, but I’d made him. I knew that I couldn’t begin to miss school, and even if I could, I didn’t want to let him know that my head still slightly hurt. It had gotten a lot better than it was, and an aspirin had about knocked the pain out entirely.

It wasn’t completely gone, but it was bearable. I knew that I shouldn’t be lying to Blake, but I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t end up in me doing to the hospital and being poked and prodded.

I didn’t want that.

So, I didn’t tell him. I felt okay, so I just walked through the motions of my day. Blake dropped me off at school, and I walked into my creative writing class and sat down in my seat near the teachers desk. “Hello Ashton, how’re you today?” Mrs. Lynn said.

“I’m okay, Mrs. Lynn. Tired, but okay.” I said, and she nodded her head. A few minutes passed and class began. Time seemed to be going really slowly today, and I just couldn’t wait to go home. I missed Blake so much, and I just wanted to be back with him.

I took notes on the different types of writing—fiction, non-fiction, and the like. Mrs. Lynn was in the middle of explaining why knowing the difference between a noun and a participle was dire when a knock on the door stopped her in her tracks. She called for whoever it was to come in, and everyone turned to see a police officer standing there.

“I need to speak with Ashton Carter, please.” The man said, and I gulped. Mrs. Lynn nodded, and I gathered my stuff up, putting it into my bag and stood up, going over to the police officer.

The entire room began chorusing whispers behind my back and I bit my lip, following the man out of the classroom. He led me all the way to the lobby of the school and back to a conference room by the principal’s office. I sat down nervously.

“I can assume you are quite confused on why I came to call you out of class today,” the man said and I nodded, watching as he sat down in front of me. “Listen, Mr. Carter, I need to ask you some questions.” He said, and I nodded.

“What about?” I asked, and he sighed.

“Your relationship with Blake Reynolds.” The officer said, and I sighed deeply.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because, there have been a number of allegations about Mr. Reynolds from your father, I believe… and legally we must respond.” He said, and I sighed.

“I’ll answer anything you ask.” I said, and he nodded.

“What exactly is your relationship with Mr. Reynolds?” He asked.

“He is my boyfriend.” I said, looking at my nails boredly.

“How long have you known Mr. Reynolds?” He asked, and I sighed this time, rolling my eyes.

“Since June.” I said, and he nodded, writing this down.

“How old are you?” He asked.

“I’m eighteen.” I said.

“How old is Blake Reynolds?” He asked.

“Thirty eight.” I said, he looked momentarily curious, then hid it.

“And how would you describe your relationship?” He asked.

“We have a very good relationship.” I said easily. “He makes me happy. He’s very kind and giving.” I said.

“Are you being held against your will?” He asked, and I gasped, staring at him evilly.

“Of course not!” I snapped. “I left my parents house of my own accord. I went to Blake’s house of my own accord. I’ve remained with him because I wanted to. He gave me the option of leaving. I don’t want to.” I said, glaring at him like he was nothing.

“Why did you decide to leave your parents house?” He asked, and I sighed deeply.

“When my father found out I was gay he was extremely angry. He… ah…” I trailed off, flinching at the thought.

“Listen Mr. Carter, your father has called the police station and is trying to get you back home. If you don’t confide in me, I won’t be able to help you.” He said kindly, putting his hand in front of him on the table.

“I don’t want to go back. Isn’t that enough?” I asked, and he sighed wearily, running his hands over his face. I got the feeling that it wasn’t.

“Because you’re still in high school, legally, he still has control of you. And most of your possessions are still at his home, so that is also a problem.” He said, and I bit my lip.

“If I tell you what happened—why I left…” I trailed off, looking up at him. “I won’t have to go back?” I asked.

“If you left for a reason, no. No judge would send someone into a house they weren’t really safe in.” He said, and I nodded, taking a deep breath.

“My father found out I was gay, and it wasn’t pretty.” I said, biting my lip. “He isn’t very accepting of gays, and I knew it… but I didn’t mean to come out.”

“Okay?” He asked.

“Well, he um… hit me.” I said, gulping a bit. “A lot. By the time that I got out of his house I looked nothing like myself. The bruises only just recently healed completely.” I said, and he nodded. I bit my lip. “It was very bad… he even spit on me. And my mother just watched… just watched as he beat me.”

“You realize that you could get him for assault and hate crime, right?” He asked, and I shook my head no.

“I didn’t, no.” I said, and he looked at me thoughtfully.

“If you did that, you definitely wouldn’t have to go back. But, the question is, would you?” He asked.

“If it meant never having to go back there, never having to see him again…” I bit my lip nervously, “I would.” I said, and he nodded at me.

“I of course, could suggest something that possibly wouldn’t be so hard?” He said, and I nodded. “If you apply for a restraining order, you would be granted one. Then you would have no question of going back at all—your father could not get you back.”

“So that’d work?” I said and he nodded.

“Of course. You’d probably be given one as soon as you explained the situation.” He said, and I nodded, biting my lip. I shook my head and nodded.

“I will do that this weekend… I wont’ have time until then.” I said, and he nodded.

“Do it, don’t forget.” He said, and I nodded.

“I will.” I promised.

He smiled and patted me on the shoulder easily.

~ ~

The moment we walked through the door to the house, I was on the verge of tears I was waiting until he shut the door before I said anything to him, though. Once he closed the door, I began crying. “He called the police!” I cried, wrapping my arms around Blake tightly. He jumped, looking shocked. I bit my lip, looking down at my feet. “I didn’t know that it was even possible because I’m eighteen but the police officer said that if I don’t play my cards right, I could have to go back!” I cried.

Blake immediately wrapped his arms around me, picking me up by the hips. I didn’t hesitate to wrap my legs around his waist and let him carry me from the door to the couch.

He slipped us down to the couch and held me close to him. “You will not go back.” He told me, and I nodded, burying my face in his chest as wave after wave of tears washed over me.

I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Nothing was okay right now. Everything was just too much for me. I wanted to be happy. I just wanted to have a moment to be free from all of my worries and it wasn’t like I had ever done anything wrong over the grand scheme of things.

All that I had ever done was try to please everyone that I cared about. But, no, I can’t get anything to go my way.

“It’s okay,” He murmured softly into my ear, running his large, warm hands through my hair as he tried to calm me down. “Shh… shh… trouble, it’s okay.” I shook my head, keeping my face buried in his shirt.

He sighed, and continued murmuring the sweet nothings in my ear until I calm down just the slightest. Once I’m not crying, he wiped the tears off my cheeks, gently running his thumb along the bottom of my eye. I bit my lip, blushing brightly. He smiled softly, leaning down and brushing my lips softly with his.

“Trouble—Ashton,” He said softly, running his thumb across my lower lip. “I will never let you go back there. If you want to be my boy, you’ll be my boy. If you want to go anywhere but here, you can go. But, I am your master, and I will not let you go back there. I will protect you.”

I bit my lip, leaning up to rest my forehead against his, keeping my eyes lowered respectfully. “Daddy,” I bit my lip, keeping my eyes closed.

“Yes, pup?” He asked softly. I was right there—I was going to do it. I was going to tell him I loved him. But, I couldn’t tell him that. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t love me… at least not yet.

He’s not a reckless eighteen year old boy like I am. I’m in love with him, I know it. Because every single moment that I spend with him, is perfect. And every moment that I’m away from him I think of him. Every fantasy I have involves him. Every moment that I spend away from him is misery.

“Thank you.” I murmur instead of the words I love you. Those would come soon, I hoped—I hoped from him first. I couldn’t imagine having to tell him that I loved him first.

Every time I wanted to, I felt like I would mess us up. I don’t want to do that. I can’t do that. I need him—even if it’s just sexual for him. But I don’t really think it is… he has let me live with him, he lets me put my things out in his room, and lets me spend his money. He takes care of me as if he loves me…

But he hasn’t told me yet.

Once he does, I will know for sure if I’m more to him than just a whore. But until I know for sure, I’ll be okay with what we’ve got.

When we first agreed to this he told me that he wasn’t looking for just an easy fuck. So I hope that is true because this is so much more to me.

“You’re welcome, pup. Lets go to bed. We’ll get up and eat once I finish.” He said, and I blinked at him confusedly.

“Finished what?” I asked, blinking.

“Once I finish fucking you so hard you scream my name.” He said cockily. I bit my lip, fighting back a moan. I was crying three seconds ago, why is my cock so hard right now?

This is ridiculous. He should not have this much power over me. It’s utterly stupid. I was bawling into his chest over my father calling the police and trying to force me to come back to his house when I couldn’t even stand the thought of him being at his house, with me inside of Blake’s home.

I can’t believe that he has the ability to turn me on with so much as a few words. I blushed brightly blinking up at him with an amazing warmth in my stomach. “Are you ready, Trouble?” He asked, and I nodded my head eagerly.

“Daddy I want you to take my mind off of everything.” I breathed, leaning up to press a little kiss to his lips and he smiled softly and nodded his head. He pressed his lips against mine, groping my ass tightly in his hand and smirked down at me.

“Go get into our bed in nothing but your beautiful little panties and wait for me. Don’t you dare cum, Ashton.” His words sent me running up the stairs as quickly as I could, desperate to do exactly as he said.

I couldn’t wait for him to be inside of me. And I wanted to be moved with him as he fucked me, and I wanted to forget everything that was going on.

That is exactly what my daddy did for me… he broke every barrier that we had between us, and left me brainless.

9

19. ¢σα¢тισи

Before we met I was alone, and now I’ve got you. I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. You’re enough.

A S H T O N

I found myself at the police station Saturday morning applying for a restraining order. Instead of pressing charges where I’d feel overall very guilty, I figure that a restraining order would be easier.

Besides, if every teen out there who’s parents beat them at one point or another went to the police, we’d have hardly anyone left, right?

I doubt that’s true, but it’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. I know that there’s a lot of abused teens out there, so it seemed logical… ish . I’m not going to pretend it isn’t a load of bullshit. I know it is. I just can’t be that heartless to him, even if he did hurt me very bad.

I don’t want to have to worry about this anymore, so I hope that this fixes the problem.

We’ve been standing here for like an hour to just see the officer that’ll grant me my restraining order until I can get into court, and it’s already taking forever. I really just want to get home so that I can spend my weekend how I want to… which is taking care of my daddy.

He takes excellent care of me, always making me feel safe and secure and cared for. He could make me feel safe in the middle of an ocean without a boat surrounded by starving sharks.

That’s the thing about Blake. Every single little thing he does for me, with me… around me, makes me feel safe. I can’t help it. I just know that I care about him so much and he makes me feel so good. I feel so good being around him.

He has been even more caring and nurturing these past couple of days and honestly it felt good to have him be there, and to have him take care of me.

He’s done even the most basic of things for me, like he undresses me at night. He bathes me… and yes , it’s very sexy. I can’t tell what makes me feel better… his dominant personality or the one that I’ve seen lately which is a mix between dominating and nurturing.

He has been asking me how school went, giving me little things to do around the house, he tells me when to do my homework, to brush my teeth, to

shower… it’s absolutely mindboggling how good it made me feel.

And I love it. So much.

“Trouble?” Blake asked, and I blinked, turning to look at him. He smirked a bit, looking over me with a raised eyebrow. “What are you thinking?” he asked, and I bit my lip, blushing brightly as I fished for something to say.

“U-ummm…” I bit my lip blushing and looking away from him.

“Is daddy’s little boy being naughty?” The words sent lust shooting through me with no second thoughts. I nodded, digging my teeth into my bottom lip. “What are you thinking about?” He asked me.

“You fucking me.” I bit my lip and he smirked, coming up behind me and gripping my hips in his hands, rolling his cock into my ass.

“Oh really? Trouble really is a good nickname for you. You’re always being a little whore,” he said teasingly into my ear. I moaned quietly.

I felt like such a little slut with him rubbing against me in public … in a police station, at that. But despite the naughtiness of it, the taboo-ness, I couldn’t fight my erection, or my natural submission coming without a second thought. I couldn’t help it. I can’t control it, whenever he goes into daddy mode, I have to relinquish whatever self-control I can muster up.

“Look at you, desperate and begging for it here, in front of all of these people.” He tsked, “Daddy likes it when you’re blushing and needy. What do you need, trouble?” He asked, and I blushed.

“You, daddy.” I moaned.

“Here?” He asked, and I nodded my head and looked around, my eyes searching wildly for someone to be looking at us. When I noticed no one was looking, I bit my lip and pushed back into him.

“I need you.” I whimpered.

He smirked and pulled away from me. “Go to the bathroom and wait.” He said, and I nodded, hurryingly looking around for the bathroom. When I found it, I launched myself inside of one of the stalls, anxious. About ten minutes later there was a knock on the door of my stall and I went to it, opening it nervously.

When I saw Blake lazily smirking down at me, I immediately opened the door more and let him into the small bathroom stall with me.

As soon as I had it locked behind me, he pushed me roughly back into the wall with a viciously sexy growl that bordered on inhumane. I whimpered, letting myself be kissed with his dominating lips, sinking even farther into my submission. I found myself pushing my body against his in the best way possible.

“We don’t have long. Suck me, trouble.” He commanded, letting me go. I sank down to my knees in front of him, unbuttoning and zipping his pants, pulling him out of his boxer shorts and immediately began stroking him. I took a moment to admire his gorgeous cock—thick, veiny, strong, velvety. The perfect cock, in my opinion.

I took him as deep into my throat as possible, sucking and running my tongue along the underside of him, my hand tugging him at the base because I couldn’t take his entire cock into my mouth.

“Later we’ll work on that gag reflex of yours,” he promised, groaning a bit when he threaded his fingers through my hair. He pulled his cock out of my mouth and wrapped his hand around it, smacking me with it lightly. Just that simple movement had my cock arching in my pants, leaking a bit into them. I moaned quietly, holding my mouth open for him. He smacked it against my open mouth, and I whimpered, closing my eyes.

I tilted my head back, letting him enter my mouth farther this time when he slipped into my mouth. I moaned around the cock, feeling it go deeper. I gagged around him a bit, and he groaned. “Just suck me, trouble. I want to be inside of you.”

His words resonated through me, and I began earnestly setting out to wet his cock. I ran my tongue over his cock repeatedly, spitting on it a bit and mouthing at it.

He was groaning while I did it, making me feel like I was going to explode in my pants.

He started leading my head, letting me rest and sink into the submission this position allowed better than any other. He controlled it all.

I let him use my throat, going deeper and deeper inside of my mouth. “You’re such a little slut, baby. My little slut, yeah?” He asked, and I whimpered around his cock, which made him moan. He fucked into my mouth roughly and I moaned around him, showing him just how much of daddy’s slut I really am. The grip in my hair was tight and demanding, leading me in a never ending journey of up and down on his cock.

His cock head kept brushing the back of my throat and it’d make me gag, my eyes would water and I’d let out little muffled whimpers around his cock.

“I love doing this.” I tried to say, but it came out more of an ‘am loaf ding is’ and he smirked down at me, looking cocky and controlling.

“I know you do, baby. Spit on daddy’s cock. Slick him up well, it’ll only make your journey down easier and quicker.” I moaned, nodding.

He continued fucking my mouth while I kept sucking and spitting and gagging around his cock until there was spit even dripping off my chin and I looked up at him, eyes wide.

He pulled out of my mouth, his eyes cold and calculating as he looked over me. My lips were swollen—puffy, red, and tingled deliciously from where they’d been wrapped around his cock. My chin was dripping saliva from where I’d been sucking him so diligently. I could feel the tear streaks down my cheeks where my eyes had watered from gagging, and I knew I looked like a hot mess down on my knees in front of him but I didn’t have a single doubt in my head that I wanted this.

He used my hair to pull me up and pushed me against the wall, my cheek against the wall of the stall.

He unbuttoned my pants, barely pausing to unzip them before he bunched them down at my knees and slipped my panties to the side, pressing his cock against my asshole.

“Ready?” He asked and I nodded, whimpering. As soon as he got confirmation, he slammed into me. I jerked, a squeak echoing in the room. Both of us stopped, listening before we were certain we were alone and then he began fucking me.

It started off rather slow, but he didn’t let the slowness last. It took about three thrusts before he was pistoning in and out of me, his hips moving faster than my brain could grasp on to.

I moaned loudly, pushing back into him as he used me hard and fast. “You have to be quick, baby. I know it’s hard, but we can’t… can’t let this last too long. You’ve got to see the… officer.” Each of his words were punctuated with a rough thrust into my body and I wiggled my hips, nodding my head in agreement as I moaned loudly.

It felt so good to have him inside of me, and I needed so much. I needed more. I need everything. His entire cock, his cum, his everything.

He pounded me hard, and I pushed back into every thrust he aimed directly into my prostate. It felt like my entire body was on fire. The heat, the arousal… everything about this was so hot.

The fact that someone could walk in and hear us only made it hotter, and I found myself moaning louder, almost begging to be caught. Though I really didn’t want to be in trouble, I wanted everyone to see the way my master fucks me—owns me.

“Who owns you, trouble.” He demanded in my ear, his thrusts slowing but picking up velocity.

“Mpphh—Daddy please!” I moaned, baring my neck for him. He sank his teeth down into my throat, and my throat pulsed in his mouth as he sucked it in time with his trusts.

“Who does daddy own?” He demanded, slowing down. I groaned in despair.

“Me! Daddy, you own me!” I whimpered as he picked up the pace again, hitting inside of me on all sides, filling me to the brim. He was deliciously rough, just enough so that I was teetering on the edge of insanity with every movement of him inside of me.

“And you?” He demanded again, and I blinked, my head fogging up from the lust and the ecstasy. I couldn’t think straight, and I didn’t even know what he was talking about. “Who do you belong to?” He demanded again.

“I belong to you, daddy. I belong to you.” I moaned, blinking to keep from losing complete control over myself.

“You’re right, trouble. You’re my little slut. My little whore. My little baby, aren’t you?” He asked and I moaned, nodding my consent. I’d be anything for him, if he wanted me to. “Good boy.” He grunted, thrusting into me.

With every thrust into me, he was going deeper, he was touching every inch of my insides. I felt so full, so amazing. “Are you close, trouble?” He asked, and I moaned, nodding my head.

The pit in my stomach was getting bigger and bigger, and I felt like I was going to fall off the cliff any moment now.

“I’m… soo… damn… close…” each word was separated by a whimper or a gasp. It felt like I was falling, and flying, and standing on shaky ground all at once. My entire world was narrowed down to the feeling of him inside of me.

“Look at you, getting off on the thought of someone walking in and hearing you begging for more. What, do you want daddy to cum inside your tight little ass and make you sit through the entire meeting with the officer full of daddy?” He asked, and I moaned, nodding. “Beg me baby, tell me what you need.” His words were dominating and it made my head spin and my heart race even faster in my chest.

“Daddy please. I want you to cum inside of me!” I begged. He moaned. “Fill me up! I want to feel your cum leaking out of my ass while I’m sitting in the room with the officer…”

“Cum, pup. Cum now .” His words triggered something inside of me and I let out a broke, definitely too loud, cry, and came all over my panties.

“Daddy please, please, please!” I begged him, despite my tiredness. I need him to finish inside of me. I need to feel exactly what he’d explained to me moments ago.

There was something dirty about it, but I loved it. My words seemed to make him pause, and then he picked up the pace, working to orgasm.

“Please cum inside me!” I begged, wriggling my hips back into his thrusts, urging him on. It didn’t take but a moment of that before he came, filling my hole full of cum.

I moaned at the feeling, closing my eyes as I let myself slowly fall away from the world.

The world had fizzled away to nothing but white and I couldn’t breathe for a moment. But once the moment was over, and Blake pulled out of me, I sank back into reality. And part of me was horrified, but the other part of me… well, he wasn’t quite as… worried about it as I was.

Blake pulling my pants up and buttoning them from behind brought me out of my thoughts and he smirked at me as I looked over my shoulder at him.

“You are a really good boy,” he murmured softly, and I giggled, suddenly not so worried about the fact I had let him fuck me in a police station bathroom.

20. ιитяσ∂υ¢тισи

Thanks you I’ve been introduced to who I truly am, I no longer feel as though I’m not enough because you’ve made me realize what I am worth. There’s nothing more important to me, than you.

A S H T O N

I found myself cuddled up to Blake on the couch, watching television with him. After we finished at the police station, I officially had a restraining order against my father. It sucked that it had to be that way, but I couldn’t let myself ponder upon the negativity.

Damien [5:45 pm]: hey ash. What was with the police at school? What happened? r u ok? Sry, I was a bit busy with practice n all.

I sighed and rubbed my nose between my thumb and forefinger. I contemplated on whether or not I should tell him what had happened. Damien hadn’t ever been the most trustworthy guy out there, and the only reason I’d ever even hung around with him was to help me with the bullying aspect.

Me [5:45 pm]: Just my father trying to start up a bunch of drama. He’s trying to get me to come back to his house. And it’s fine, you don’t have to check on me.

I stood up from where I sat. “Can I use your computer, daddy?” I asked, and he nodded, his eyes barely straying from the television. I giggled, rolling my eyes and walking up to his office and grabbing the laptop off of his desk carefully.

I hated to mess with any of his things, and I never went into his office without permission. The fear of messing something up was practically debilitating for me, and I knew how funny he was about his work stuff.

Once he accidentally put something down in the wrong place and he’d had me sit with him while he carefully put each piece of paper back in order. I’d handed him them in the exact order he asked me to, and it’d taken fucking forever, so I haven’t even breathed near the paperwork, afraid one would move a microscopic inch.

I carried the computer back down to the living room and sat down on the couch, putting my feet in his lap. His hand immediately rested on my ankle, and it made my skin tingle a bit.

I giggled a bit, looking down at him. He glanced over at me and smiled at me, and I giggled again, feeling excited. I loved feeling him touch me in any way. It felt so wonderful.

Damien [5:56]: I realize that I don’t have to check up on u, but I do anyway. It’s cuz ur my best friend, bro.

I rolled my eyes.

Damien has such terrible grammar and texting him only made me want to buy him a dictionary for Christmas, but I held back, knowing that he’d just scoff at me and roll his eyes.

Me [5:57]: Honestly I want to give you a dictionary, but you’d probably never even use it.

I opened the laptop and then opened up the word document I’d started and began typing again.

He had never felt so special before. He hadn’t been treated this nicely at home, he was surrounded by people who treated him as if he was a burden. He hadn’t been able to be himself around anyone in his family before. There wasn’t much that he could do about that, though.

He hadn’t ever been one to talk to his parents about something that was bothering him. He hadn’t been able to since he was young.

He hadn’t been able to…

Just as I began the next line in the story, I received a notification on my cell phone and I picked it up with a huff.

Damien [6:10 pm]: I mean, I kinda wanna come over, but I dunno if u want me to. I’m bored tho. Could use someone hang out with.

I sighed and glanced down at Blake, then back down at the phone. “Daddy, Damien wants to know if he can come over.” I said, and Blake looked over at me, raising an eyebrow.

“Do you want him to come over?” He asked, and I shrugged a bit.

“I guess so. It’s cool, I guess. I mean, we’ve already had sex and stuff, so I won’t be itching for it… unless you turn me on so don’t! But, I mean, he’s my only friend so it could be fun?” I said, and he raised an eyebrow, before shrugging.

“I couldn’t care less. Just don’t make a mess.” He said, and I giggled, nodding. I texted Damien and told him what Blake said. Damien said he was coming over, and that we’d be careful not to make a huge mess.

I sighed deeply and went back to writing, knowing that he’d take fucking forever to get here.

~ + ~

Monday came all too soon, but I couldn’t help but be excited. It just felt like a good day. So, I kissed Blake on the lips, grabbed my coffee and slipped my phone into my back pocket, walking up to the school.

Honestly, I feel like my excitement for school has more to do with my new Creative Writing teacher, honestly. Mrs. Lynn was super cool, and she let me hang out in her class whenever I didn’t have anything to do. I headed straight to her class and put my stuff down on my desk.

“Good morning Ashton. How are you feeling?” She asked, and I shrugged. “Did you take care of… that little problem?” She asked, and I nodded.

“I did. How was your weekend?” I asked, and she shrugged a bit.

“It was okay. I actually have been waiting to speak with you since Saturday.” She said, and I bit my lip, looking nervous. “I was wondering if you’d join the creative writing club. This is an exclusive club, and it has only the most talented writers I’ve come across. They aren’t just from this school either, so you’ll have multiple different people challenging you. I thought of you when our senior writer graduated.” she explained, and I nodded. “The club will go towards your college credits, and at the end of the year there’ll be a contest between the writers. Whoever wins gets a letter of recommendation from me to any college of their choosing. In addition, one of your stories or poems could be featured in a popular literary newspaper that goes out to millions of people around the United States and parts of Canada.” She said, and I bit my lip. I did not really want to take away from my Blake time, but I couldn’t lie, this was a huge opportunity, and it’d help me get ahead in life.

“When are the meetings?” I asked, and she smiled a bit.

“During study hall. You’ll only have to stay after school if you wish to work on something with the group, and if you’d like you can even have them over at your home. Most of the meetings will be held here, and there’s a few students from other schools that take their study halls to come here and participate.” She said, and I nodded.

“Do you mind if I use your office for a moment?” I asked, and she nodded, opening the door for me. I walked in, shutting it behind me.

I took out my cell phone and dialled Blake’s number, hoping he answered. My luck seemed to be on the up and up, because he answered.

“Hello? Trouble are you okay?” He asked immediately as he answered and I sighed deeply.

“I’m okay, I just got offered to join this really cool club and if I won the competition at the end of the year I could get a letter of recommendation from my teacher and my story published in a—!” He chuckled a bit.

“Okay, please slow down and repeat.” He said, and I nodded, taking a calming breath and waiting a moment before I sighed again, and tried again.

“Mrs Lynn invited me to this really exclusive writing club, and it’s got some amazing opportunities too. I just wanted to know if it was something you’d be okay with…” I trailed off.

“Sweetheart,” he began, and my heart sunk. “You don’t have to ask me to do something that would benefit you. If we were talking about something that would affect your submission to me then it would be different.” He explained. “I want you to have every opportunity for success. And I want you to earn that success, trouble. I know you can do that.” he said, and I bit my lip and nodded.

“I just don’t want you to think that I’m not serious about us.” I said, and he sighed deeply and I felt guilty immediately. I hated making him feel like he didn’t do a good enough job taking care of me.

“I know you’re serious about us, Ashton. You need to get back to class. We can talk about this when you get home. I don’t care if you join the club, in fact, I wish you’d find someone other than Damien to hang out with. He freaks me out with you.” He said, and I giggled a bit, rolling my eyes.

“Yes daddy, I miss you.” I said softly, my heart beating out of my chest.

“I miss you too, trouble. I’ll see you soon.” He said, and I giggled a bit. I looked around the small office I was in before I smirked a bit.

“I wish you were here, daddy.” I sighed, biting my lip. “I really want you to fuck me. I wish we could’ve had a before school fuck session.” I teased softly, and he growled a bit in my ear, making my skin tingle.

“For fucks sake, trouble, get your ass into your classroom before I spank you when you get home. I’ve not had to punish you yet. Don’t make that change,” the words were clearly threatening.

“What if I want you to punish me?” I asked teasingly and I knew he was probably smirking right now, because I felt myself turning red. I knew how to push his buttons and I knew how he’d react to that.

“You don’t want me to punish you. Now, go to class.” He said, and I bit my lip a little bit upset that he didn’t get turned on by it. “And, trouble, when you get home, I will be fucking you brainless so you better just be ready.”

His words sent a thrill of lust and excitement up my spine as I thought about the possibilities of him using me that way. I loved being used by Blake. He made me feel like I was desirable, and he made me feel important.

“I will, daddy.” I said softly, and he chuckled.

“Get back to class, pup. Be good. I’ll see you at three.” He said and I giggled a bit. I felt my cheeks heat up as I realized that I was getting turned on.

“I’ll talk to you at three.” I said, and he chuckled a bit.

“Go on, then.” He teased, and I smiled a bit, hanging up the phone and putting it in my back pocket. Then I took a steadying deep breath and fanned my face a bit to calm down some. He should not have been able to turn me on so much.

He’s been able to turn me on with nothing more than a look and it’s really embarrassing. He’s not supposed to be able to do that.

It’s kind of hot, though.

His domination fuels my desire. He makes me feel like more of a… well, I’m not sure about what to use there. I’ve never been able to look at myself as a man. I see myself as a feminine person. I don’t see myself as a man at all, most times.

Bodily I’m a man. I’m not mentally a girl, though. I am somewhere in this grey area where I feel like I’m a feminine person. I sighed deeply and walked out of the teachers office and I sat back down at my seat.

“So, did you figure it out?” she asked, and I nodded my head.

“I am going to join the club.” I said, and she smiled and clapped happily.

“You definitely won’t regret this! The club meets on Fridays in the library during study hall. I’m sure that you’ll do very great things, Ashton.” She said kindly, and I blushed a bit.

“Thank you, ma’am. This is an amazing opportunity.” I said, and she smiled at me with a motherly look on her face. “I won’t disappoint you.” I said, and she smiled at me and nodded happily.

“I know you won’t, Ashton.” She said, and I pulled out my notebook and began doodling and writing a bit. I don’t have much to do and its still quite a while before I even have to get to class. I came a bit early so I have time to just mess about.

I sighed deeply, looking around Mrs Lynn’s classroom. I felt like I was going to be happy for the first time in a long, long time.

Be really, truly happy.

No faking it, no pretending. Just being free to be who I am, without worrying about anything but pleasing Blake.

Blake.

He matters a hell of a lot to me. I know that I feel like I love him. It’s probably way too soon for me to be saying that, but given the fact that there’s been a whole hell of a lot of fast tracking in our relationship I can’t help but feel like it’s justified.

I glanced down at my notebook and saw what I’d been mindlessly doodling.

Ashton loves daddy.

I sighed deeply and blushed, looking down. I guess it’s just the perks of being a young adult. Not having to worry so much about how deeply you fall, when you fall, I mean.

I know what I feel for Blake, and it’s a lot deeper than lust for me. I hope that it’s a lot deeper than just lust for him, too. Because I can see myself being happy with him for quite a long time, honestly.

Hopefully .

21. є∂ιfι¢αтισи

I can’t imagine one day without you, nor can I think of one task I can do each day without a guiding hand from you. I’ve become exactly what you wanted me to—and I did it on my own.

A S H T O N

I found myself sitting at a table in the library on Friday, my lunch sitting in front of me. I had my notebook where I was writing some details down for the book I was planning whilst waiting for the rest of the writing group to come along.

Mrs Lynn was in attendance today, but she said that this was a really laid back day because all we were doing was writing an introduction to each other since this was the first meet up of the year.

I couldn’t name the last time I was reasonably excited for something that had to do with school. But this was exciting. I couldn’t wait for this to begin.

People began coming in and sitting at the table with me, silently pulling out notebooks similar to my own and tapping their pencils against the table in a nervous fashion. I raised an eyebrow, but continued writing while I ate my lunch. There wasn’t many of us, but there was a few and once Mrs Lynn was satisfied that everyone had gotten in, she walked up to a podium that hadn’t been there before the meeting today, and tapped her pen on the podium with a smirk.

“Hello boys and girls. This is the writing club for the county—not just the school. If you’re here, your teacher has seen a potential in you that is exceeding of just the regular writing class. The spaces for this class are overfilled—you ten are the first pick for the club.” She explained, smirking at me. “For your first assignment in this club, you’ll be writing an introduction about yourself. You have half an hour to do so, the second half hour will be spent reading them aloud one at a time. Please do not exceed five hundred words, each of you will only have about four to five minutes to read.” She said, and I smiled.

I can do this.

Hi my name is Ashton Carter. I don’t ex…

That’s terrible.

I’m Ashton Carter, but you can call me Ash. I don’t live at home anymore—

Nope. That’s utterly terrible.

I like peanut butter, chocolate chips and chains and whips…

I giggled a bit, biting my lip as my cheeks heated up. I looked up, seeing the other people glance at me like I’d lost my mind. Well, I mean… obviously I haven’t. I’m sitting here with them doing something just like they are. And I bet theirs will be this monotone one hundred word paragraph about who they wish they were.

Okay, there we go. I’m getting somewhere.

I know what a lot of people are expecting me to put here. You all want a monotone answer to the quest, who are you , because for some reason we’re all so freaking afraid of being who we are. Well, I’m not anymore.

I’m Ashton Carter. I’m eighteen. I am gay, and I’m not ashamed of it. I love who I am. I have a boyfriend, and I love to write. I live with my boyfriend instead of at home with my parents.

All in all, I’m pretty freaking special in this town and I’m damn proud of it.

I smiled a bit, sitting my pencil down on the desk and tapping it anxiously. I knew that either this was going to be amazing or a complete disaster and I have no idea which to expect. I know that I don’t want everyone to think I’m a raging douche bag at all—that’s partly why I’m so scared.

I know that there’s nothing that I can do if they don’t like me. I’ll just be miserable in this never ending circle of dislike.

I sighed deeply, closing my eyes.

The time passed quickly by, and I’d read my story. I had added some things and changed them around a bit. But it was overall very good. I was proud that I could do it without struggling too terribly hard. Overall, everyone seemed really intelligent. Writing with them will be an honor indeed.

I can’t wait.

“Psst!” I jumped, looking over at the girl beside me hesitantly. “Hi, my name is Kenzie! I go to Val-Delia Academy.” She said, and I raised an eyebrow.

Val-Delia is a very exclusive school—only the richest people(or the smartest)can go there. In order to get a scholarship there you have to have a IQ of at least one twenty and a GPA of at least 3.7. I had dreamed of going to Val-Delia when I was younger—it’s elite status was what drew me strive for it.

I knew that I was never going to actually put in that much effort into school. I study a lot, but I don’t want to actually put in twelve hours of studying and eight hours of school. I know that if I wanted to, I could definitely do it but I don’t want to be consumed by it.

There’s a lot of things that I would do to be successful, and I’m not afraid of some hard work, but I am afraid of falling into the background and becoming nothing but another mindless drone in a world full of clones and mannequins.

I want to stand out above everyone. I want people to see me and think, “Damn he worked hard to get here,” but also, “Damn he’s really awesome.”

“Hey, I go here.” I said, and she nodded, smirking a bit as she looked over me.

“We totally need to exchange numbers!” she said, and I sighed mentally. Do I really want this possibly stuck up bitch to have my number? What if she turns out to be terrible?

Well, I’ll never know if I don’t give it a chance. “Okay,” I said, nervous. I don’t really know what Blake will think about me giving my number out to people. He is pretty careful about who he lets me talk to because he doesn’t want to let me get hurt—but he doesn’t tell me I can’t talk to someone for a stupid reason.

With Damien, well, Blake feels weird about it, but because he knows that Damien is a good friend of mine, he won’t tell me I can’t talk to him anymore. I know though, that if he told me not to, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t know why, but the thought of doing something like that just because he told me to… Well, there something about it made me feel even more submissive. And I liked it. A lot.

After the club meeting, time flew by thankfully. I was so excited to see Blake, and I knew that he was going to be happy about the fact that I was going to have a second friend… maybe?

Does exchanging numbers mean friends?

I ran up to the car where Blake was waiting in the car for me. I hopped in, leaning over and kissing him softly on the cheek, blushing. He smirked as he looked over me.

“You’re looking radiant, today.” He said teasingly and I nodded, smiling happily.

“I’m glad to see you. I missed you all day and now I just want to have daddy time.” I admitted, looking up at him with red cheeks. He smiled at me, making me giggle a bit.

“I had to go into work this morning.” He said, and I bit my lip.

“Oh?” I asked, confused. I knew he worked, but he never outright said he worked. And I can’t really think of where he works, to be honest.

“Yeah.” He said, and I bit my lip. “Apparently my fathers company isn’t doing as well as I was told it was when I took the company over after my father passed.” He said.

“Oh, I didn’t know your father died…” I whispered, suddenly feeling a bit bad. I wanted to comfort him somehow—but he hadn’t even told me that he had lost his father.

“He died just before I moved here.” He said, and I flinched a bit. When I’d been hitting on him, trying to entice him to me… he’d been going through loss? I didn’t even notice—I should’ve known I shouldn’t have…

“Ashton, calm down. I didn’t tell anyone he died. And I’m not broken up about it, either. He wasn’t a father—only a sperm donor. I didn’t want his company, but my mother asked me to take it.” he said, and I bit my lip feeling a bit guilty.

“I should’ve known…” I murmured guiltily, and he shook his head.

“No, you shouldn’t have. I didn’t want you to know. Now I don’t mind you knowing.” He said, and I bit my lip. “I don’t really want to go into what happened, and why we weren’t talking when he died, though. We can discuss that at a later time but right now, I want to know: how was your day? Today was your first writing club meeting, right?”

“Yes, it was. And it went rather well. I made a friend.” I said and he smiled a bit. I giggled, biting my lip. “Her name was Kenzie, and she was really nice actually. She goes to Val-Delia. We exchanged numbers and agreed that next meeting she’d introduce me to her friends.”

“Oh good, is Damien in the group as well?” he asked tightly.

“No, daddy.” I giggled, looking around us as the car moved. I hadn’t even realized that we’d been driving until then, because I’d been so focused on what Blake was saying that I’d not even noticed him pulling out of the parking lot and turn towards home.

I found myself thinking about his house as home. I found myself thinking of him as home. He made me feel so… good . I never had that feeling of… safety like that before.

When I was staying with my parent’s everything was merely okay, but it wasn’t like I could be myself entirely without getting into trouble. I knew what I had to be with them—and I knew who I was. The person who I am is a hell of a lot closer with Blake than I’d ever gotten when I was with them.

With Blake I could be who I was—without being talked down to or hated. I knew that there was nothing but happiness for me here. With Blake he didn’t want me to be unhappy or uncomfortable. I know he wants me to be happy.

I know he wants me to serve him, but that made me happy. If my parent’s knew they’d probably have a coronary, but I didn’t mind. I loved the loss of control and being vulnerable to him.

Every time we have sex its mind blowing, every time we kiss I feel like I’m falling apart and heating up all at once. I wish that we could be having sex right now. It always makes me feel so close to him, and it feels even more submissive to me than anything we’d done before.

Just knowing that Blake is the one fucking me, holding my legs apart and completely owning me… I love it. His cock completely owns me when he’s fucking me, and I can’t help but to love it. I gave up control without even thinking about it.

“You’re thinking about something you shouldn’t be, trouble.” Blake said, and I blushed brightly.

Am I really that obvious? I reached a hand up and touched my cheek mortified to find that it was hot. I pulled the mirror down and looked at myself in it, seeing my cheeks were redder than beets.

“Oh, I didn’t mean for you to know that I was thinking.” I said, and he smirked a bit as he looked over me curiously.

“You are definitely not meant to work for the CIA then, pup. What are you thinking about?” he asked me and I lowered my eyes, blushing brightly.

“Nothing really, just umm…” I was hoping that he’d pick up the fact that I didn’t really want to admit to it, but he didn’t—or more likely, he just wanted to hear me tell him what I was thinking about.

“What is it, pup?” he asked me, and I giggled a bit, blushing.

“I want you to fuck me, daddy. I want to feel every inch of your body against mine as you thrust into me repeatedly.” I said softly, blushing a bit.

He smirked, looking over me with a devious look in his eyes. “When we get home I want you to strip down to your panties and go kneel down beside the playroom door. It’s time for something new.” He said as he pulled up into our driveway. I blushed brightly, grabbing my school bag and throwing it over my shoulder, impatiently waiting for him to open the door for me.

I was nervous, but so, so very excited. I know that he’s going to own me, dominate me just like I need. I need this—I need him .

22. ιмαgιиαтισи

I never question my faith in you, for there is no doubt in my mind that you do what is necessary to protect me. I know that I can trust you, because you’ve never let me down.

A S H T O N

The air in the playroom was cool where I knelt on the hardwood floor. I felt my skin break into goosebumps all over at the chill. Despite the chill, I was achingly hard in my panties.

The cool air caressing my skin was arousing—something about the chill put me even more on edge. I was anxiously waiting for Blake to come in—to do something… anything .

The anticipation was killing me, and I was so hard it nearly hurt. I looked down at my cock, the black lace made it look softer—more feminine.

I was nervous, I could feel the butterflies wreaking havoc in my stomach and despite how ready for this I am, I couldn’t shake the trepidation. I didn’t want to talk myself out of this—I needed it. I need to do this for myself.

My submission had started out being for Blake, but the longer that it went on, the more… empowered it made me feel. I truly craved his dominance. It hadn’t been something I’d ever thought of being aroused by before really. After having experienced just a taste—just a bit of it—I knew that this was what I wanted.

A moment or so later, the door to the playroom opened, and I found myself sitting up straighter. I was ready to be played with. I glanced around the room, licking my lips nervously.

“Ashton, do you want this?” he asked softly, and I jumped when I felt the soft caress on my back. I felt lust zing through my veins at the feeling of his calloused fingers against my shoulder blade. I felt myself shiver.

“I want this.” My words were sure—I was positive. I’d been fine with just having sex, but something about the prospect of exploring more into my submission had me aching and excited.

He gripped me by my hair, pulling me up and making me gasp. The grip in my hair didn’t lighten any, and my cock jumped in my panties, loving the slight pain that was coming from my hair being pulled.

My knees felt weak as I stood in front of Blake, and his dark eyes looking over me with heat in his eyes. “You’re beautiful, Trouble. And all mine.” the words were possessive, and it made my heart race in my chest in anticipation. “Every inch of your perfect little body. But you know what’s really mine?” his hand ran down my stomach, teasing the line of my panties.

“What?” I whimpered, and he smirked a bit an evil look crossing his face.

His hand slipped into the waistband of my panties and I gasped as he palmed my cock hard suddenly. “This. Your tiny little cock. All fucking mine.” his words sent shivers down my spine and I whimpered when he pulled away his hand. “Do you trust me, Ash?” He asked me, and I nodded without a second thought. “Use your words, Ashton.” He said, and I nodded.

“I trust you, daddy.” My words were final, and sure. I had no doubt that I trusted him. I knew I trusted him with all of me. He leaned down and pressed a soft, teasing kiss on my lips. I smiled, kissing him back. He pulled back and smirked down at me.

“I want to see how you react to a little bit of spanking. Because this is the first time, I’m giving you the option: is this okay with you? Are you ready for it?” His words set a fire in my stomach—nervousness and trepidation were there but it felt more like butterflies swarming my stomach instead of fear. I nodded. “Use your words, trouble.” He said softly.

I bit my lip. “Yes daddy, I’m ready.” My words were soft, but sure. I knew what I wanted, and I wanted to do whatever he wanted me to do.

I liked that about us—I didn’t have to think I could just follow his lead. I don’t have to worry about anything as long as daddy is in control. He weaved his fingers through my long hair and pulled me back. I whimpered, my eyes widening. I bit my lip and looked up at him.

He leaned down and picked me up by my hips, making me squeak in surprise. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. “You’re such a good little whore for daddy, aren’t you?” His words were playful, and though they were demeaning, I nodded my head and I bit my lip and moaned softly.

“Yes daddy.” I said softly and he laid me down on the bed. He pulled my hips up, leaving me with my ass in the air, my chest and face placed down on the bed and my legs spread, holding my ass up. I bit my lip, feeling exposed in a wonderful sort of way.

“You have such a beautiful little ass, trouble. I can’t wait for it to be blood red, aching and baring my marks.” His words made my heart race in my chest and I whimpered, my cheeks heating up. “I can’t decide, belt or paddle.” He pondered aloud, and I bit my lip.

“Hmm… paddle would be amazing. Hearing the crack of the wood against your lovely little ass would be amazing.” I felt so excited—my first paddling! It should’ve been scary but I felt nothing but excitement. I couldn’t help but feel anxious for it.

I watched out of the corner of my eye as he walked over to his wall and picked up a paddle, walking back over to me. I bit my lip, looking over it nervously. It was beautiful—dark wood, with a shiny looking finish and it ached to feel it against me. I bit my lip.

“I’m going slow.” He said, and I braced myself, nodding. He ran his hands over my ass, smacking it a bit. I whimpered, anxious. “Ready?”

“Yes, daddy.” I said softly, and he nodded at me and pressed the paddle against my ass, making me whine. Okay, breathe. This is it. He held it to my ass for a moment, then he pulled it away from my ass and then—CRACK! I gasped loudly, heat rushing over my face.

The shock of pain that flitted over me was great. It was painful—very painful. But I loved it. He massaged my ass, and I gasped, closing my eyes as I felt pleasure from both the stinging pain on my ass cheek, and the calloused hands on my ass added to it.

He pulled his hands away from my ass and then I felt the crack of the paddle against my ass. I moaned softly, shocked. I thought it would hurt worse, but it didn’t. It only began feeling better—so much better.

“Do you like it?” His words sounded slightly breathless as he ran his hands over my ass again.

“I love it, daddy.” I whimpered, and I chewed on my bottom lip, sucking in a deep breath.

“Good then.” He said, and brought it down on my ass again. I moaned again, feeling the paddle teasing against my balls a bit. “Your panties are blocking my view, but I don’t know if I want to even fool with taking them off because of how sexy your little ass is in them.” His hands ran over them.

“I didn’t even realize you’d left them on.” I gasped, biting my lip. He chuckled a bit and brought the paddle back down on my ass.

“It’s keeping it from hurting too terribly bad.” He chuckled, and I whined, shaking my head and pushing my ass back into his hand as he ran his fingers over my ass. I was astounded to feel his hands through the soft lace of my panties.

“C-can you take them off?” I asked shyly and he laughed a bit and nodded. I wiggled my ass when he put his fingers under the waistband of the panties and pulled them down. He ran his hand down my ass again. I whimpered.

I was surprised at the difference between the touches—I hadn’t even noticed that they had been left on at the time but now that I’d felt it, I would never forget it. it felt so wonderful to have his bare hand on my bare ass—it was more intense than it’d ever been.

He pulled his hand away from my ass, I heard him shift a bit, and then he brought the paddle down on my ass. I squeaked— oh fuck . That felt good but bad all at once. It hurt like hell, but holy shit it also felt so good all at once. He didn’t stop between paddles this time—the paddle hit against my ass again, harder than before and I squeaked again, my eyes widening and tears prickling at them.

It hurt, but despite that it felt so good I couldn’t keep my eyes shut. I whimpered, clutching at the bedspread. I couldn’t help but push back into the feeling, and when he brought the paddle down again, I moaned loudly, tears flowing down my cheeks this time.

He stopped for a moment, his fingers digging into my ass cheeks, making me whimper a bit. “Your ass is beautiful, so red and pretty for daddy isn’t it?” He asked, and I shrugged, smiling softly at his praise. “I want to fuck the shit out of you.” He said, pulling my hair and making my head tip back a bit. He pulled me up and I supported on my hands. Once he saw I was holding myself up, he let go of my hair and gripped my hips. I whimpered softly. I let my head swing forward, and I looked down at my cock which was swinging between my legs.

I gasped—oh fuck . I’d forgotten entirely about it. I had completely forgotten that I even had a cock while he was doing that. “You’re fucking gorgeous.” He said softly and I giggled softly. I kept my eyes down on my cock, and bit my lip.

My cock was dribbling precum, and I couldn’t believe that I’d managed to get so hard. It was bright red, and it was aching painfully. How I’d managed to ignore the painful ache of it, I had no idea.

In the moment I’d felt so much… less like a man. It had been… well euphoric.

“Daddy,” I whispered. “I need…. I need you.” My words were soft, desperate. I do need him. I need to feel him buried inside of me, stretching me and filling me to the brim.

It was more than a desire—it was everything .

“Oh? Does my slutty little boy need his daddy inside of him?” he smirked, and I nodded, biting my lip in excitement. He pushed me down and rolled me over, gripping the lower part of my legs with one hand and pushing my knees up to my chest, exposing my hole to the air.

I moaned—the chill on my hole left me feeling like I was so empty—I needed him. He slipped his finger down between my ass cheeks and teasing my hole with his finger.

“Don’t prepare me!” I pleaded, and he looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. I blushed brightly and lowered my eyes.

“Does the little slut have a pain kink?” He teased, smirking up at me and I blushed brightly, shrugging a bit as my cock dripped onto my stomach. “Makes sense, you’re a beautiful little slut, so needy and desperate.”

I moaned softly, my cock twitching and I don’t know how I managed to keep from cumming. His words sent shivers down to my cock.

I felt his cock head teasing at my hole and whimpered, pushing my hips up into the feeling. More… more… more.

Oh merlin. I gasped as he pressed into me. It fucking hurt but I loved the pain. I’d never dare to complain when he filled me in the best ways. I loved feeling his cock inside of me.

Once he was buried all the way inside of me, he started thrusting his hips a bit, not giving me time to adjust to the feeling. I moaned softly, wrapping my arms around his neck and digging my nails in to get a grip on him.

I felt like I was flying away. My ass was so sore from the paddling it’d just taken, and now I was being pounded like some little whore on the corner. I shouldn’t have liked it—but that didn’t change the fact that I absolutely loved it.

I couldn’t imagine anything that would make me feel this good. Right in this moment, I felt more submissive sexually than I ever had in the past. I felt like he completely owned me in every way. I could feel the proof of his dominance on my aching ass and that was all I needed to know that this was where I belonged.

He pounded into my ass, the sound of skin slapping skin echoed around us in the room. I couldn’t help but moan loudly and claw at his back.

He let go of my legs and slipped my thighs open, pushing his body down between them. I moaned softly, closing my eyes and looking up at him as he moved inside of me, deep and hard and demanding.

This felt so wonderful—every touch was euphoric. For some reason, the earlier spanking left me feeling like every touch was more intense.

He bumped into my prostate with every thrust of his hips and I moaned loudly, pushing my ass up as because as I could given my position. The deeper he went the better it felt and I needed that. I needed to feel him.

I was losing touch with reality, not in a bad way, particularly, but a really wonderful way.

The world felt so much brighter, so much more intense.

I could feel his breath against my neck as he pounded into me, the warmth wrapped around me like a vice. Every push and pull of his cock inside of me made me feel like I was floating away from earth. Over and over again, he was inside of me and then out of me, and then inside of me again.

His hand slipped down between my leg and tightly gripped my cock, making me moan loudly and push up into his hand. He let go of my hand and ran it down to my thigh, where he wrapped his hand around it tightening the grip to a nearly painful grip. Even so, he never started thrusting into me.

The continuous push and pull of his cock inside of me was driving me crazy, leaving me feeling like I was going to cum. “Daddy, cum!” I gasped, pulling on his hair.

“Not yet, Trouble.” He told me, letting go of my thigh to grab onto my neck just a bit and I gasped—the feeling was nearly euphoric. I could barely control my thoughts, much less my orgasm, but I held onto the string that was holding my release very carefully in place.

His hips never stopped pistoning in and out of me, holding me down to the bed by my throat.

My cock was a leaking mess, my precum going all over me as he pounded into me. I wanted him to let me cum so bad. I needed it—oh fuck . He was so big, so hard and I couldn’t wait to feel him cum inside of me.

I needed it.

I could feel the little beads of sweat on my forehead, feel them popping up on my neck and chest. Everything was so hot. He was fucking me so good that I couldn’t even think straight.

I couldn’t tell you how long we’d been fucking, but I felt like it’d been years. I couldn’t help but begin to whine and whimper, pulling on my hair and closing my eyes while I thrashed about below him on the bed. His hand never left my neck, and I felt so out of control. This is perfect . His touch is perfect.

I felt my cock throbbing in between our bodies as he moved inside of me. He completely dominated me in every way and I loved it.

“Cum now, Trouble.” He commanded. And I squealed as I finally let go of my orgasm, my release powering through me. It took me over, holding me captive and I couldn’t stop.

I was twitching, my entire body feeling as though I was flying. Blake dropped down on top of me, wrapping his arms around me while he whispered how good of a boy I was in my ear.

I giggled softly, reaching up and running my fingers over his face softly, amazed by how beautiful he was. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, changing out positions so I was cradled to his chest and he kissed me on the forehead softly.

“Good boy.” His words were soft and they made a delicious heat form in my chest. I’m a good boy. Yes, I’m a good boy. With that last thought, I closed my eyes and let sleep over take me, knowing there was no place I’d rather be.

23. ι∂єαтισи

I love how it feels to make you proud. Being yours is an honour, a privilege that I never thought I’d get.

A S H T O N

I woke up feeling spectacular. My entire body ached deliciously, and I was excited to start my day. I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed my phone turning the screen on. Six in the morning. It’s so early. I glanced over and saw that Blake was asleep still, turned towards me, his hair a mess on his head.

I smiled a bit and ran my fingers through his messy hair, trailing it down his forehead.

I stared at him a moment, looking over his handsome face. He had a hint of a three o’clock shadow from his not shaving yesterday and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find it ridiculously sexy. He was just gorgeous in every way.

Where I lacked masculinity, he had nothing but masculinity. I was hairless—something he had made sure of. He had hair on his body and I found it so gorgeous. Feeling his leg hairs against my soft ones was euphoric. I couldn’t really explain why I liked the feeling of it, a lot of people thought that hair was gross. But to me it wasn’t.

It felt nearly like it laid out the differences between us.

I reached up and fingered the collar on my neck, smiling some. I loved the feeling of his collar around my neck. It made me feel so beautiful and cared for. I never took it off unless I was going to school and I was thinking about maybe not taking it off at school, either.

I didn’t see a reason to take it off at school because I wasn’t ashamed of Blake, or of our relationship.

I wriggled out of the bed carefully to keep from waking Blake up and stood at the edge of the bed, reaching for Blake’s shirt. I pulled it over my head and giggled a bit. Just being able to be… who I am without restriction made me feel happier than I’d ever been in my life.

I stood and walked to the bathroom, brushing my hair and teeth quickly. Once I was finished with my teeth I washed my face. After that I sat down on the lid of the toilet, grabbing my moisturizer and rubbing it on my legs slowly. Something about the entire endeavour was slightly arousing to say the least. It felt almost as if I was preparing myself for Blake.

I stood once I was done, slipping out of the bedroom and walking down to the kitchen. My cooking skills are nothing perfect, I’ve never cooked before… so I literally don’t know what I’m going to do. I found myself pulling out the eggs, bacon and sausage, putting the bacon in a pan and the eggs in a pan beside it.

Blake likes over-well eggs. No runny yolk or anything like that. I want to be everything that he needs so that he will want to keep me. I sighed deeply when I realized I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never cooked anything before.

I sighed, feeling helpless. He’s never going to want to keep me at this point. I continued trying and managed to get the egg without a yolk—granted I believe fully that it’s burnt to a crisp. When I was taking the bacon out, it was black. But, I laid it on the plate beside the stove and I began cutting the sausage.

That’s where I made my mistake.

The next thing I knew, the pan was on fire. “Shit!” I cursed, pulling away from it and panicking. I ran to the sink and got a glass of water, taking the water and pouring it over the pan that was on fire. I gasped when it just made the fire larger, and I cursed.

The fire alarm started screaming and I gasped dread swimming under my skin. Blake is going to kill me.

I had no idea how to put this fucking fire out… what the hell do I do! Obviously, I know that I need to get Blake but I do not want to get in trouble.

I walked closer to it, attempting to fan it out. The air seemed to make the flames larger and I screamed, scared I was going to set the house on fire.

“ASHTON! GET AWAY FROM THE STOVE!” Blake demanded, coming into the kitchen and pushing me back, shielding me. I bit my lip, shame washing over me. I watched as he grabbed a pot holder and the metal lid that went to the pot, dropping it down on the pot.

Once Blake was sure that the fire was out, he turned to look at me, putting his hands on my shoulders and looking over me carefully. “Ash, are you okay?” I nodded, feeling tears prick at the corner of my eyes.

Do not cry. You’re not a fucking baby. “Ashton!” he demanded. “Are you okay?”

“I-I…” I trailed off, trying desperately to fight off tears. I didn’t want to cry and make myself look like a baby.

“Ashton I is not a valid response. Are you okay?” He demanded, and I nodded, looking up at him with a pained expression on my face.

Once I saw the concern on his face, I broke down and began crying. “I-I’m so sorry daddy!” I cried, burying my head in my arms. “I messed up! I-I was trying to… trying to make you happy and I messed everything all up and I-I set your house on fire.” I cried, and he sighed deeply, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, pulling me to him without an issue.

“Trouble, I’m just happy that you’re okay. And you’re being just a tad dramatic, aren’t you? It wasn’t the house. It was just the pan…” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I cried, feeling like a baby. I couldn’t help it though. I felt like such a failure. All I wanted to do is please him and I couldn’t even do that because I’m too much of a baby to cook an egg.

“What were you doing, pup?” Blake asked, running his fingers through my head. I whimpered and pushed my head into the caress, feeling useless.

“I-I was trying…” I trailed off, closing my eyes. “I was trying to cook you breakfast.” I whimpered. “I wanted to bring you breakfast in bed.”

“Ashton you’re too little to do that.” I was shocked that it actually made me slightly hard in my pants. I couldn’t help the lust that the word sent trailing up and down my spine.

I rubbed my eyes, feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry, daddy. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. I was hoping that it’d make you happy…” I sighed deeply and he sighed a bit and looked down at me.

“You make me happy all the time, pup. Just waking up to you makes me happy. Fixing breakfast for you makes me happy.” He said softly, and I bit my lip and shrugged.

“I just… want you to want me, daddy.” I whined, pushing my face in his neck to keep from having to look up at him as he looked down at me in shame.

“Ashton, what makes you think I don’t want you?” he demanded of me.

“I’m… I’m such a burden. I make you take care of me. I can’t cook. I use your money, and I don’t really give you anything in return.” I explained. “I don’t see how you could want me… I’m such a bother to you all the time. I can’t drive, and even if I could I don’t have a car.” I said and sucked in a breath.

“Ashton, listen to me. Look at me.” Blake said sharply. I looked up at him, fear running through me. “You do not make me take care of you. I take care of you willingly. I enjoy it, even.” He said softly, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. I blushed a bit, my cheeks heating up as I stared up at him. “I enjoy spending my money on you. I prefer to spend it on you as opposed to letting it sit in an account costing me money. And I buy you lots of pretty, sexy clothes. I enjoy seeing you all dressed up for me. Don’t I?” He said softly and I nodded. “I enjoy taking care of you Ash. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t. I want you because of your dependence on me, among other things.” he said, and I nodded, biting my lip. I felt embarrassed but nodded, closing my eyes.

Despite my embarrassment it actually made me feel good because I wanted him to want me. Just knowing that he wanted me made me happy. I didn’t really know how many guy’s he’d said the same thing to, but for some reason I felt special when he said it to me. I hoped that I was special to him because… well he’s everything to me.

I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’ve never been this way with anyone. I’ve never touched anyone, or kissed anyone but him. I’ve never wanted to, either.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer. I found myself resting in his arms, excited to be held.

The more he hugged me, kissed me, held me, had sex with me, the more I wanted all of those things. I had never been one for affection really, but those things alone made me feel like I was going to soar through the sky.

• ~ +

Later that night, Blake was in his office and I was bored. I’d been watching a movie, but the movie had gotten boring. I lost complete interest in it and instead found myself wanting to go to my master. Though I knew he was busy, I still felt as though I needed to be there.

I knew I couldn’t go to him, but I wanted to so desperately bad. I felt this way a lot. Whenever I was at school and longed to feel his heated, lustful gaze on me, I felt this way. Sometimes, when I missed the feeling of the leather on my neck while I was at school, I’d long to feel his breath ghosting my throat, I’d long to feel his warm, calloused and large hands on my thighs. I longed to feel him inside of me—on me, all at once.

I needed it, almost as if I needed the proof—the verification that I was— am his little boy. It felt as if I needed to be used by him to make me happy.

I sighed and glanced longingly at the door of Blake’s office which was hidden partially by the hallway. I wanted to see him. I wonder if he’ll be too mad at me if I disturb him…

Just as I thought that, the door to the study was pushed open and he came out of it, looking brooding. I softly whimpered and watched as he walked over to me, looking over me as he did so.

He sat down on the couch and I sank to my knees, ready to be of service to him immediately. “Is something wrong, daddy?” I asked, and he sighed and shook his head.

“Nothing is wrong, trouble. Just annoyed with how terribly my father ran his business. It’s no wonder the damn thing is in shambles.” He griped a bit, rolling his eyes. “Is something bothering you, pup?” he asked, and I shrugged.

“I don’t know, not really. I just feel kind of ridiculous from this morning, to be honest. I didn’t mean to make such an ordeal over something small.” I said softly, blushing a bit. I shifted on my knees, aching to rest my head against his leg.

“You shouldn’t. You’re cute as a button, and the whole ordeal only made you look cute and somewhat childish… it’s really adorable. I like being able to take care of you. It makes me feel powerful, and I like that.” He said and I nodded, blushing.

He reached forward and pulled me by the hair, forcing me to get up higher on my knees so that I was looking up into his eyes from down below him. I giggled a bit, staring up into his eyes as he looked over my face with a cocky look in his eyes.

“Ashton, I want you to suck my cock.” His words were so calm, so sudden… that I couldn’t help the pink that raced to my cheeks, betraying my embarrassment. I also couldn’t comprehend the amazing feeling of his fingers raking through my hair, or the firm, smouldering look he held on his face. I found myself leaning up a bit, unbuttoning his pants and reaching my hand inside, pulling him out of his boxers with ease. I blushed a bit, looking over his cock.

His cock was gorgeous, thick and warm. The weight of it in my hand was heavy and I found it arousing to say the least. Knowing that he was going to be in my mouth in just a few minutes was enough to make me shiver in anticipation. I wanted nothing more than to let him fuck my mouth and then fuck my ass, also. I knew that it’d come eventually—I nearly giggled at the play on words.

I hadn’t even meant to, but the words slipped through the filters of my mind and I couldn’t help it. To smother my giggle I was terrified of letting out, I leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to the tip of his cock.

The warmth of his shaft against my lips paired with the feel of his hands and eyes on me was nearly too much for me to handle. I couldn’t stop myself from wrapping my lips around his head and taking it down my throat as far as I could while looking up at him through hooded eyes and my bangs which fell in my face.

The look on his face sent a thrill of lust down my spine and he smirked a bit, looking over me. “Now be a good little cock sucker and let daddy fuck your face.” it didn’t take but two moments—two microscopic moments to make my arousal go from a fifty to a one hundred and fifty in seconds. I couldn’t help the whimper of anticipation that left my lips, leaving me nearly breathless already.

Blake had a point though, I am daddies little cock sucker. And I love every minute of it. 

(A/n: Merry christmas/Happy holidays and follow my social meeds because Im a bloody arsehole. Instagram: XxPrinceAnonomousxX Tumblr: XxPRinceAnonomousxX Smashwords: XxPrinceAnonomousxX .)

24. αffℓι¢тισи

A S H T O N

I cannot imagine being without you anymore. You’ve become more than just a dominant, you’ve become a pillar in my life that I lean on daily.

Gentle kisses trailing down my neck woke me up from a deep sleep, and I whined softly, pushing into warmth of the body on top of mine. I sighed softly, wrapping my arms around Blake and shifting closer to him. I desperately tried to cling onto the warms around me, not ready to wake up yet.

Blake sucked on my neck and I keened softly, the haze in my mind beginning to fade away a bit. “That’s right, pup. Wake up…” the soft teasing voice of Blake cut through my subconscious and I sighed again, shaking my head and he chuckled a bit.

A warm, slightly calloused hand went to my side and I whimpered a bit, the slightest bit of lust starting to seep into my mind, leaving me the slightest bit dazed and hard.

I forced myself to ignore it, though, and groaned out a tired and cranky no. He smiled a bit against my neck and rested himself on top of me. I made myself comfortable underneath him and sighed softly.

“Wake up love. Come on, we have to get up.” He said softly and I groaned.

“Why?” I asked, and he laughed a bit and shook his head into my neck like I was the biggest amusement he’d had all week. Which was probably true. I do stupid stuff enough to make him laugh daily.

“Because I said so.” He said and I whined softly and shook my head petulantly. “Ashton!” he demanded and I popped one eye open and sighed deeply. I was immediately aware of the headache behind my eyes before I even opened the second. Dread swam in my stomach as I realized it was going to be one of them days.

“I don’t wanna!” I whined, and he smiled a bit and looked down at me, smiling at me with a warm look on his face. I opened my second eye to take in the look on his face contrasted by the sunlight streaming in the window behind his head. Despite the beauty in the image he presented, I had to close my eyes because the light was making my head hurt a bit worse.

“And why not?” He asked teasingly and I bit my lip and opened my eyes to look up at him through hooded eyes. It looked like he had a halo, or was glowing.

It wasn’t that far fetched in my sleepy mind, really.

He’s so sweet, and handsome, and he is the perfect master. He genuinely cares about what I want, and he makes all efforts to take care of me to the best of his abilities. He doesn’t make fun of me, or force me to do things I’m uncomfortable with, though. He considers my opinion when he makes a decision. He goes out of his way to make me happy and he doesn’t make me feel like I owe him anything.

“Ashton?” He asked, and I nodded, blinking rapidly to clear my thoughts. He raised an eyebrow and I looked up at him and he sighed. “Why do you want to stay in bed all day?” He asked, and I shrugged, reaching up and rubbing my forehead a bit absentmindedly.

“I just want to cuddle. Can we, please?” I asked, desperately. He raised an eyebrow and looked over me with suspicion in his eyes.

“Are you running a fever?” He asked, and I shook my head and mentally winced at the pain that echoed in my head. He looked over me with that calculating glare of his, and I knew he knew I was lying when I said something, he just didn’t know what I was lying about. “Ashton, do you remember what we talked about? About the rules?” He asked, and I actually winced this time.

I nodded and licked my lips. “Well then you’re disobeying by lying to me. I better be seeing them beautiful lips of yours explaining why you don’t want to get up. Usually you’re a little ball of energy in the morning.” He said, and raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know what you mean.” I said, and he raised an eyebrow at me. I knew he knew I was lying when I said it that it was obvious. But I had to try .

“Ashton, I’m going to give you one chance, and then you’re going to be punished. Take that into consideration before you speak again.” He said, looking like he was losing patience.

“I… I have a headache again.” I said, and he drew his eyebrows into a line on his forehead, and I sighed softly, humiliation washing over me.

I shouldn’t have lied. I hate lying. I hate telling Blake things that aren’t true. Like with the headaches. But I’m scared that he’ll want me to go to the doctor so I don’t say anything about it.

“I am afraid I’m going to have to call a doctor, Ashton. If he doesn’t think that it’s serious then I’ll drop it but I need to talk to someone about it.” he said softly, looking down at me from on top of me.

I nodded nervously. He pulled himself off of me and rolled over, getting his phone off the bed side table. I watched as he searched up paediatric doctors in the area. I raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment.

He found one that he thought was the right one, I suppose, and dialled the number. He sat up so that I wasn’t directly impacted by the sound of the phone ringing in his ear.

I faintly heard a woman answer the phone with a chirpy and happy voice. Blake didn’t seem moved by her happiness at all, though.

“Hello I’m calling about my boyfriend.” He said chastely. “He’s under twenty-one. Yes, he is.” His voice was unwaveringly confident.

I heard her ask a question, and he looked over at me. “Ash, what’s your birthday, love?” he asked.

“December tenth, nineteen ninety eight.” I told him calmly, and he nodded, spouting the birthday off to the lady on the phone.

“Well, from what I’ve been told he’s had headaches from a head injury since he was a child but recently they have been getting worse and he gets sick, has nearly unbearable light sensitivity and he can’t eat when he has them.” He said, and paused a moment.

I felt him tense when I heard her begin speaking and I felt dread etching up my spine. “Yes ma’am I’ll get him there immediately.” He said, and I tensed, flinching a bit.

“Are you sure? Do we need to go straight to the hospital or…?” He said, and I tensed even worse.

I hate hospitals. I’ve hated hospitals ever since I was little. My aunt died in the hospital once, and my mother had made me go see her to “give my condolences” to her family, and to “say my last goodbyes” to her. I didn’t even know her beyond the fact that she carried a really heavy pocketbook that had old mints and Rolo’s in the bottom of it, she never got her lipstick right and it always went over the line of her lips, and that she smelled like dust bunnies. It had frightened me so much that I didn’t go back to the hospital unless I was forced to.

As soon as Blake was off the phone, I jumped into his lap and shook my head desperately. “I don’t want to go to the doctors.” I said and he shook his head.

“Get up, and get dressed. We’re going. No discussions. I know it’s scary but… you have to, sweets.” He said softly. I looked up at him pleadingly.

“Please…” I whispered softly. He shook his head and looked down at me with a soft look on his face.

“I want you to go and get an X-Ray. Once you do that, if they find nothing abnormal then I won’t say anything to you again.” He said, and I bit my lip and reluctantly nodded.

I didn’t want to do it, but then, I didn’t want to disappoint Blake at all. “Fine…” I said softly and looked up at him softly. I couldn’t help but be scared, but I had to do it so that he’d be proud of me.

“Get up and get dressed, precious.” He said, and I whimpered. “Get up, get up. It’ll be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise I will protect you.” He said.

“Promise?” I asked.

“Promise.” He said calmly. I smiled a bit nervously, I got up, pulling on a pair of jeans. I didn’t even bother with getting another shirt, I just pulled out one of Blake’s oversized hoodies and bit my lip nervously. “You’re wearing my hoodie?” he asked, and I nodded, raising an eyebrow.

“I am.” I said calmly.

“And why is that?” he asked.

“It smells good. I’ve agreed to do it, but I’m going to do it how I want to.” I said snottily. He barked out a laugh and smirked a bit. He walked up behind me, pushing his body against mine.

“If you didn’t have a headache, I’d spank the breath out of your sassy little ass.” He pulled himself away from me and I took a shaky breath, unable to stand the thought of my headache causing me to miss daddy time.

I nearly growled and stomped off, but Blake grabbed me by my wrist and stopped me.

“Acting like a child gets you treated like a child, Ashton.” He chided, and I pouted, looking up at him. He smirked a bit down at me and let go of me. “Get your butt to the car.” He commanded, patting my ass a bit.

I flushed a bit and nodded, rushing to get my cell phone off the bedside table and my headphones, shoving them into the oversized pocket of Blake’s hoodie.

I felt comforted by the smell of Blake’s cologne and bath wash.

~ + ~

I felt uneasy as we waited in the lobby of the emergency room. I was anxious, my heart racing like crazy in my chest. I couldn’t think about the fact that I was in a hospital because I’d begin panicking. It wasn’t pretty when I started to panic about the hospital.

I hadn’t been back in years, and it had the same stench of bleach and sterile sheets that it’d had the last time that I was here. I could still vividly remember the stench—I could remember it like it was today.

I could remember seeing my aunt, seeing her cold dead eyes staring at me, feel the cool hospital air caress my skin. I could smell the stench of lemon scented bleach, and overly dried sheets. I remembered feeling the warmth leave her hands as I held it, telling her a bunch of things I didn’t even know were true.

“Trouble calm down.” Blake said comfortingly. I glanced up at him and curled into the chair, my back against his side. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close.

The warmth of his body assured me—the warmth showed me that he was living. I had this horrific image in my head of—of— him becoming her .

It wasn’t the best idea. I couldn’t help it though. There was something about this place that I couldn’t sort out in my head. I had this one memory that was haunting me mentally—and I couldn’t get it out now that I was here.

I was in the very hospital that my aunt had died in. “Why do you hate hospitals so much?” he asked, and I shrugged a bit, trying to downplay my anxiety and uncomfortableness. I was trying very hard to keep from being scared, but after months of hearing about how my aunt went to the hospital to die, it was hard.

Obviously now that I’m older I understand that she was going to die anyway, and that the cancer she had was killing her—not the doctors—but I can’t help the lingering uneasiness at the thought of being in the hospital nonetheless.

I couldn’t help it.

“I just don’t like… this place.” I said, and he made an inquiring noise, and I sighed. “When I was young, my aunt died in this hospital… I’ve not been back to a hospital since.” I admitted quietly.

Just as I admitted this, a tall, slender woman with a aqua blue pair of scrubs on stepped out into the lobby and looked around, scanning the sheet of paper in front of her face before she called out, “Ashton Carter?” She called.

My heart stopped for a moment and I paused. This is it. Blake pushed me up out of the chair and stood up behind me, putting a comforting hand on my lower back.

That touch made me feel the slightest bit better, but I was still scared. I couldn’t help it.

My insides felt overall very jittery and I hadn’t been this nervous since before I’d met Blake and had ended up dating him. He’d been the best thing that’d ever happened to me.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes a moment, calming myself. I’m not here for me, I’m here for Blake. I’m doing what Blake wants me to. I’m here under Blake’s orders, and as long as it makes him happy, I’ll be happy… right? After a moment, that thought calmed me just the slightest. I felt my heart stop racing quite as back and I sighed in relief. Blake had an instant calming effect.

Thinking of my submission to Blake tend to take me out of the situation, somehow. He made me feel whole in some way that I couldn’t explain. He made me feel… alive. He made me feel like I was safe.

The nice woman dropped us off in a room, and told me that the doctor would be in shortly. With a deep breath, I focused on Blake.

Blake. Blake. My submission.

That there was enough to calm me down for them to do anything to me. I could’ve been talked into anything at this point.

But I knew with my Blake here, that’d be no problem at all because he’d never let them hurt me.

25. ∂єναѕтαтισи

A S H T O N 

I’ve never been so scared in my life, but with you there, I don’t have to worry about anything because you’re there and I know you’ll take care of me… but please don’t leave me when I need you so bad.

I found myself nervously sitting on the hospital bed, my heart racing in my chest. Blake had me put on the hospital gown and it made me feel really nervous. I couldn’t help it—I remembered that same gown on my aunt. I shook my head and sighed deeply. My eyes shot up to the clock on the wall and I flinched a bit.

It felt like it’d been so long and it really hadn’t. I hadn’t been here forty five minutes yet and I was freaking out already. A knock on the door of the hospital room caused me to jump and I twitched a bit, looking over at it. The door opened and a tall but thin man walked into the room. He looked welcoming, and kind, but it didn’t ease my anxiety at all.

“Hello, what are you two here for?” he asked, and I gulped a bit and he looked over to Blake whom cleared his throat and looked at me pointedly.

I sucked in a deep breath and nodded, biting my lip. “When I was younger, I was pushed out of a treehouse… it caused me to have severe headaches, and no one could tell me why. I still don’t know why… but Blake thought that I should get it checked out.” I said softly, and he nodded.

“What are some of the symptoms you’ve had?” he asked, stepping forward and putting the stethoscope in his ears and then the pressing the circular thing to my chest to listen to my breathing. I shrugged a bit.

“Really severe headaches, vomiting, sometimes I get dizzy.” I said, and he nodded.

“Okay, have you ever had a CT scan? Or an ultrasound of your head? Have you had an MRI?” he asked, and I shrugged.

“I haven’t been to the doctor over it in years. The doctor said I was nothing and that it’d go away.” I said, and he raised an eyebrow.

“He never requested to see you again? How long ago was this? And have the headaches been getting gradually more severe over the years?” he asked. I nodded, and he sucked in a breath.

“They have, I just didn’t pay them any mind. I laid in bed with the lights out and nothing on in the television.” I said, and he nodded a bit.

“Doctor, what do you think it is?” Blake cut in. He looked over at Blake and sighed a bit.

“I don’t want to mislead you, or give you incorrect information. I cannot diagnose him with anything without the proper testing. If this is what I think it is, though, it’s extremely urgent that we get this diagnosed.” He said, and I looked over at Blake whom looked back a me, a bit nervously.

“What do you think it is?” Blake asked, and he bit his lip.

“” He said, and I looked at him confused. “Once we get you tested and determine if this is what I believe it is, then we can discuss what it is—and how we treat it, alright? Until then, please do not research it, or work yourself up about it… having either of you be panicked isn’t going to help the situation.” He said, and Blake nodded, looking nervously over at me.

I bit my lip and looked up to the clock. “We’ll get you seen about as quickly as possible. As soon as I get the results I’ll come back. I’m going to order all of your scans immediately… please be patient.” Blake nodded and I shrank back into the bed, pulling my legs up at wrapping my arms around them, sighing deeply. I felt so scared, unsure.

The doctor walked out of the room and Blake immediately stood and came over to sit beside me. I sighed softly and looked up at him, my heart racing. He wrapped his arm around me and I cuddled up into his chest, getting comfortable. He kissed the top of my head and pulled me close.

“It’s going to be okay, trouble. You’re my little trouble maker, aren’t you?” He asked and I nodded my head, forcing a smile. He smiled a bit, and I was certain that it was a forced as mine. I sighed, and looked around, feeling scared.

I didn’t know what this stuff was called—what’s it called again? Hydrophallus? A water penis? I have no idea what that would have to do with the headaches, really.

Blake held me close, and I calmed myself with slow, steady breaths of his cologne and natural scent. Something about the scent of him made me feel… steady? Safe? Home? What could I really say about it that didn’t make me look crazy? About nothing.

Time seemed to crawl by at a snails pace, never speeding up, only ticking by. I didn’t know why it seemed so slow, so… tiring. I couldn’t stop taking in large gulps of Blake’s cologne, taking comfort in the scent. It cascaded around me, wrapping me in a warm sense of familiarity. I felt so safe in his arms, like nothing could touch me.

“I’m scared.” I whispered softly, closing my eyes and wrapping my leg around him to push myself closer to him. He sighed softly and looked over at me with a dark look on his face.

“I know trouble. But everything will be okay.” Though his words were meant to calm me, it did nothing to ease my turmoil. I knew they were just pretty little words wrapped in sweet lies—nothing to be trusted. Blake would never give me anything to worry about, especially not myself. I knew that.

However, I also desperately needed his words. I needed his compassion, his love, his everything.

“I’m scared.” I repeated and he sighed deeply and nodded, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. “I never wanted to know why my head hurt.” I admitted softly. “I always wondered if it was more… but… I never thought it would be.”

“I never thought it would turn out to be something so… bad.” He murmured softly. “It’ll be okay though, hopefully they caught it in time if it is what they said it is.” He said, and I nodded my head.

“Do you know what it is?” I asked him and he bit his lip and nodded. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about. All you need to worry about is getting through these scans. They can be pretty daunting.” He said and I raised an eyebrow nervously.

“Daddy… I’m really scared.” I said, and he nodded again.

He didn’t speak again for a minute, and I closed my eyes trying to force myself to sleep. I slowed my breathing down a bit and relaxed.

It was a few minutes—maybe half an hour before Blake broke the silence. “I’m scared too, trouble.” The words were whispered, and I gathered that I wasn’t supposed to hear them because he probably thought I was asleep.

I wasn’t sure why, but his words, and the softness of his touch was enough to calm me down completely. His calloused and warm hands were slowly moving over me, soothing the ache of my head. I wasn’t too worried anymore. I felt scared—but Blake made the fear… dissipate, almost.

I didn’t respond to him, knowing that he’d not meant for me to hear it. I felt like it’d push some unacknowledged boundary if I did—it was okay for him to care , but I knew that Blake had a different way of expressing his care.

I knew that Blake held himself in check always. He didn’t let people see if something bothered him… unless he was certain that they’d understand. I knew that and I loved it. He had this air of finality when he said something—and it made me feel safe. I loved it. He took me from my confusing and never resting mind and put me in this headspace to where I didn’t have to worry about anything but what I was doing for him. I liked not having to worry about being a disappointment. I loved the fact that he always made me feel… welcome. He never made me feel like I was a burden.

It was amazing how he treated me… like he genuinely cared. I felt so at home with him. I’d never felt that way with my parents. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough to be in their home, like I didn’t belong. But I belonged with Blake. Nothing anyone could say could convince me otherwise.

I loved it—I loved him.

A knock on the door brought me out of my thoughts and I shrank back up into Blake, scared. A small, pretty brunette woman walked into the room and looked at me with a kind smile. “Ashton Carter?” she asked, and I nodded, looking up at Blake. “Hi, I’m Lindsey with Radiology. I’m here to take you to get your CT Scan.”

“He’s a bit scared, can I stay with him?” He asked, and she nodded.

“That’ll be okay, but when we give him the CT Scan, you can’t be in the room. He’ll have the Ultrasound done here—so that’ll be no problem.” She said and he nodded, sighing a bit. “Are you ready to go? CT Scan is first, we’ll probably draw some blood also, but that’ll be a bit later.” She said, and I nodded biting my lip as I stood up. She smiled encouragingly. “You can walk with us, if you’d like.” She said and Blake nodded, walking up behind me. I wrapped my arm around his arm and refused to let go as he walked with us to the room where the CT Scan was going to happen.

She took me into the room and Blake went with me, getting me settled onto the table and she patted my hand. “It’s a bit scary at first but… it’s no big deal it’ll pass quickly.” She said and I nodded and forcefully smiled, not feeling the smile much. She seemed to understand and nodded. “It’s a circular machine, it’ll go over your head and will circle it.”

“It’ll be okay.” Blake said softly and kissed my head softly. I whimpered and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him. “Baby, you got to let go of me. This is necessary. Come on, I’ll get you an ice cream when we go home.” He said softly and I nodded but didn’t let go. “Ashton, come on.” He said, and I shook my head.

“Please daddy…” I whispered. He shook his head and I whimpered. “I’m scared.” I admitted softly.

“I know. But be a big boy and do it anyway, it’ll make me so proud.” His words made my heart race— proud? Blake will be proud of me? I instantly let go of him and he smiled down at me and patted me softly. “It’ll be okay, I’m just over on the other side of the glass window.”

I nodded and bit my lip, looking up at him. He smiled at me and followed the lady over to the door. I felt fear racing through my heart but I forced myself to put it to the back of my mind. Blake… Blake’ll be proud if I go through with this. I thought about how it’ll be when he is proud of me and that got me through the experience without worry. I almost panicked, but I managed to breathe through it and calm myself down. Once she came back to get me and Blake walked in behind her, a smile on his face, I felt better. I was a good boy for him.

By the time I was done with the scans and tests, I was tired. It felt so good to just lay down in Blakes arms and let his warmth surround me. I had been so cold through the MRI and the Ultrasound made my head feel weird, because the jelly matted my hair up.

It was uncomfortable but I had made my Blake happy, so I didn’t focus on that. I focused on the fact that I’d made him proud—I’d made my daddy proud. I felt like I was going to explode in pride.

The fact that I just referred to him as daddy in my mind hit me deeply and I couldn’t understand why. I have always called him daddy, but regarded him as Blake in my mind. The fact that I regarded him as daddy mentally made me blush a bit.

A knock on the door caught my attention and I shook my head, whimpering and pulling close to Blake. The doctor walked back in and looked quite troubled. He pulled up a seat and looked over at us. “So, I have confirmed that my suspicion is correct. Hydrocephalus.”

“What can we do to help it?” Blake immediately asked, sitting up. I sat up and looked up at Blake sacredly. He wrapped his arms around me I smiled a bit timidly and wrapped myself around him, hugging him.

“I am going to prescribe some higher pain pills, he will need to only take them when he has a headache, I assume you can monitor that, dad?” He asked, and Blake shook his head.

“Boyfriend.” He said, and the man raised an eyebrow. He didn’t comment, though.

“Well, monitor them so that he doesn’t overtake them. We’ll schedule him for surgery and then we’ll go from there.” He said, and Blake blinked.

“What if he doesn’t want surgery?” Blake asked.

“Hydrocephalus can cause death—it’s serious. Hydrocephalus is the build-up of too much cerebrospinal fluid in the brain. It can be present at birth, or happen later. Typically it’s from trauma to the head—as you know he had as a child…” He said and Blake sucked in a deep breath. “From what I can tell, he had it as a child and it deteriorated—but it’s always been there. Now that he’s older it’s gotten worse, there’s not really a choice. He either gets the surgery, or he could pass away in a few years. Have you hit your head lately?” he asked.

“Well… a couple months ago my father found out I was gay and… well, I met the edge of a chair… and his boot a couple times. But I don’t think that could’ve caused this, right?” I asked sacredly.

“Ashton, it’s very likely that the trauma from hitting your head brought this back into full blast. You have a choice… surgery, or death. The question isn’t if it’s necessary, it’s ‘when will you die if you don’t have the surgery.’” He said, and I bit my lip.

“Blake—!” I whimpered. “Please…” I tugged him to me.

“It’s a big decision for a young boy like you…” He said, and I nodded. “I can make you an appointment with a surgeon and you can talk with them about it. I suggest it, highly.” He said, and I nodded.

“I’ll be back with your appointment and your check out papers.” He said, and I nodded. As soon as he left I wrapped myself around Blake and started crying. Blake wrapped his arms around me, and whispered sweet nothings into my ear, softly kissing me on the forehead.

26. ѕσℓι∂ιfι¢αтισи

A S H T O N

In my time of need, you’re there, telling me everything is okay. I need you to know that I feel safe with you—and that’s something that I really need right now.

The drive home was silent, and I felt a bit like I was smothering. I had known that something was causing my headaches, I just never thought that there’d be something life-threatening from it. I had expected there to be something, but… nothing like this.

I felt like I should’ve known, and then… like my mother should’ve known. And if she did know, couldn’t she have told me?

What the doctor said about me hitting my head—and my father hitting it—did that mean that my father…. Caused this? Was this because of him? Did he make this happen? Did he want this to happen? I couldn’t imagine someone wanting their child to die. I know that I wouldn’t want that for my child.

My father hadn’t truly loved me, though, right? There’s no way he loved me if he hurt me so badly that I could die, right? Or had he not known what he was doing? Was he so blinded by anger and hatred that he didn’t care?

I couldn’t imagine that being a real reason, though. The thing is, I couldn’t imagine hurting someone the way that he hurt me. I couldn’t imagine hitting someone, kicking someone—hurting someone physically at all. There’s no way that I’d ever do that. I guess I’m too much of a priss but all I want is to just be left alone. Now that I’ve got my life with Blake, all I want is to just… be free from everything that’s holding me down. There’s so much that I’ve not gotten to experience because I couldn’t just be open about who I was.

I deserve to be happy, so why is it that now that I have some chance of being happy, this must happen? I just want to take the pieces of my life, mend them, and move on. I don’t want to be involved with my parents, or get even with them for what happened.

I sighed deeply, looking out the window at the rainy weather. I guess at least the weather matched my day, right? I couldn’t help but feel the slightest bit gloomy, given the state of my head. Quite literally.

It wasn’t my mothers fault that my father is an uneducated bigot, just like it isn’t my fathers fault he’s an asshole. There’s no reason in casting stones—I live in a glass house myself, so I really can’t say much. I don’t like that my father would hit me—or talk about Blake the way he talked about him, but I couldn’t change the way he thinks. My mother was unable to stop him. Granted, she didn’t make any moves to stop him. But, I don’t know if I would’ve asked her to, anyway.

At least that’s what I keep telling myself. I couldn’t decide if that was because I wanted to believe it, or if it was true. I knew that she didn’t really have the power to stop him. She’s small like me, however, she could’ve tried.

When we pulled into the driveway, I popped the hood of Blake’s hoodie up and walked to the door, waiting patiently for him to come and open the door. He followed behind me after he locked the doors to his car, and then unlocked the door for me. Once I got inside, I took off the hoodie and turned look at Blake.

“Trouble,” he murmured, and I didn’t even think about it before I took a step and pushed myself against his chest, wrapping my arms around him.

“I need my daddy.” I mumbled. “I need to know that you believe everything is going to be okay. I don’t wanna die. I wanna live, and write, and have a family and…” I trailed off, and he nodded, wrapping his arms around me.

“Trouble—Ashton, you’re going to be fine, I promise. You’ll live. From what I understand this is a minimally invasive surgery… they’re going to drain the fluid from your brain. And then your headaches will hopefully go away. And if they don’t, they’ll give you some painkillers, and I’ll be referred to as your father again—” he said, and I bit my lip.

“That was pretty funny. You’re too hot to be my father, though. I mean, who could blame me for wanting you? You’re so… muscly and yummy and warm…” I sighed softly.

“Muscly, yummy and warm?” He teased, putting his hand on my cheek. I nodded, completely unashamed by my childishness. “Well, at least I have one thing going for me. Daddy is here—daddy won’t let anything happen to you. You’re my trouble.” He said, and I bit my lip and nodded, looking up into his deep brown eyes.

“I know, daddy. Thank you for everything.” I said softly, and he nodded. “I mean it—you took me in, even though I was a pain in your ass. You bought me the nicest stuff for school, a new phone… you’ve let me have friends over, and share your bed with me… I mean, you don’t have to do any of that. I appreciate it, a lot, though.” I said softly and he shook his head down at me.

“I don’t want you to thank me. I get enjoyment out of taking care of you.” He said, running his fingers through my hair. “I know you appreciate it, pup.” He said, and I giggled a bit, shaking my head.

“That’s enough sad talking.” I said finally, pulling out of his arms. “I want to do something fun. Lets pop some popcorn, watch some movies, and then when we’re bored, lets go upstairs and have sex.” I said, and he raised an eyebrow.

“You really want to have sex right now?” He asked, and I nodded.

“I’m horny.” I whined, and he rolled his eyes.

“Of course you are, trouble.” He said, putting his hands on my hips and pressing a kiss to my neck. “You’re always horny.” He teased, trailing kisses over my neck, making me whimper softly.

“I am, it’s your fault, though… I was never like this before now.” I whispered softly, putting my hands up on his neck pulling him down to my lips. He laughed a bit and kissed me, running his hands down to my ass, gripping it. I moaned softly into the kiss, feeling my heart race in my chest as I sank into the kiss. Blake ran his tongue along my lip and I opened my mouth, letting him lead my tongue in a playful battle. I didn’t want to fight for dominance—I was much happier with things when Blake was in control, and I wasn’t particularly worried about having to… please him.

“Oh you weren’t?” He teasingly asked as he pulled back from my lips, using his grip on my ass to pick me up. I didn’t even think about it as I wrapped my legs around him, getting closer to him without a thought. I moaned softly when my cock grinded against my jeans. “Now you’re just a horny little slut, aren’t you?” I nodded, biting my lip.

“I’m your horny little slut, though, daddy.” I admitted softly, giving him eskimo kisses. He laughed softly and nodded.

“Daddy’s little slut,” he mused, “has a nice ring to it. I like it.” He said, and I smiled. “But right now, you’re being daddy’s little cuddle bug.” I giggled softly, closing my eyes as I let my lips fall back down to his, pushing myself closer to him.

“I do really want to cuddle you, daddy. You’re so warm and muscly. And yummy. You’re definitely yummy.” I playfully said and giggled softly.

“I appreciate the fact that you’re horny, trouble, but you have a headache and you need to rest.” He said, and I nodded, sighing unhappily.

“I just wanna have sex, and pretend like nothing is happening. I need that, daddy.” I bit my lip and shook my head, shrugging a bit. “I just… I need my daddy.” I shrugged a bit and slumped down onto the couch.

“Trouble, I want you to go strip down to your pretty lacy little panties, and grab a couple blankets. Don’t question me, just do it.” He said, and I bit my lip and nodded, biting my lip. I stood, heading directly to the bedroom. I walked into the bedroom and closed the door, leaning back against the door and breathing in a deep breath.

My heart was racing in my chest as I pulled myself away from the door and took off the shirt I was wearing, tossing it into a dirty clothes bin by the bathroom door. I walked into the bathroom and pulled my pants down, reaching around and tossing them into the bin also. I pulled my socks off and padded over to the toilet, putting the lid down before sitting on it, reaching for a rag and washing my feet. After I washed them, I reached for my moisturizer.

I opened the cap and poured a bit into my hand, rubbing my hands together before I started rubbing it into my arms. Once I was finished with my arms I went to my tummy, and then to my legs, paying careful attention to my thighs.

Blake likes my silky thighs, he likes to be between them. Maybe the more provocatively I’m dressed, the more likely he’ll be to have sex with me.

I just really need to have him solidify the fact that he’s here. He’s so… amazing. I just need to have him, to feel him on me, and to feel the fact that he’s there . I knew that I shouldn’t demand that, but… having sex with him almost feels like we’re one, like we’re moving together. Like everything that is happening is happening to both of us all at once. I loved that feeling.

I loved him.

I just don’t know how to tell him that. I can’t tell him that. It’s too soon, and he’ll think it’s childish. I’d think it’s childish if I was a grown man and an eighteen-year-old boy said he loved me.

I sighed and stood up, brushing my hair and applying some lip-gloss to my lips before I turned to the side a bit, checking out my ass. These panties definitely make my ass look good. He’s so good at picking them out, and I loved to make him happy.

I bit my lip and walked to the bedroom door, opening it and head to the hall closet where he kept his extra blankets and grabbed a couple of the soft, fuzzy ones. I took them downstairs and laid them on the couch. As I was sitting them down, a picture caught my eye, and I walked over to where it sat on a side table.

I picked it up and looked over it, biting my lip.

In the picture it appeared to be Blake and a teenaged boy, with a woman in the picture. Blake was shirtless, swim trunks hanging loosely around his waist as he swung his arm around the teenagers neck. The woman in the picture also had her arm swung around the boy. She was in a bikini, which given Blake’s attire made sense—but the boys didn’t make sense. He was wearing a black hoodie and tight jeans in comparison to the other twos swimming outfits.

The boy had dark brown hair, pretty blue eyes and soft looking skin. He wasn’t smiling like Blake and the woman, in contrast he had a vacant stare and a tight lipped, forced smile.

“That’s Puzzle and his mother.” Blake said suddenly, and I jumped, dropping the picture and gasping. “It’s okay, you’re not in trouble. His mother is my best friend—well, was. She and I stopped talking when she told me that she was in love with me. Obviously, that wouldn’t work, right? I’m gay. But, she was convinced it would.” He said, and I shrugged.

“You looked so happy.” I said softly, and he shrugged.

“At the time we were just friends. That was enough for me. Not her, though. Puzzle was very angry when his mother told him that he was no longer to see me. He even ran away to live with me. Of course I took him back, he was fifteen.” I nodded, and he sighed.

“It’s not your fault.” I told him immediately.

“Puzzle hates her, and I know I have something to do with that. He told me he wanted to live with me, that he hated her and that he didn’t want anything to do with her. I couldn’t take him away from her, though. He told me that know that he’s old enough, he’s moving here, to this town. He said even if I didn’t let him stay here, he was coming.” He said softly.

“Daddy, you should let him stay here.” I said softly.

“Why is that, trouble?” he asked.

“Because you’re a good person, and you know that he won’t be able to make it completely alone in a new place.” I said, and he sighed.

“I know. Listen, enough about them. Tonight is about us—you.” He said, putting his hands on my hips and pulling me back against his body. I whimpered, sinking into his touch and gripping his hands in mine. “We’re not having sex tonight, but we will watch movies, cuddle and just mess around.” He said, and I sighed and nodded.

“Don’t pout or you’ll not get fucked tomorrow.” He said teasingly. I bit my lip and whimpered, shaking my head. “Now, go get comfortable while I put on a movie.” He commanded, so I did as he told me to immediately. Once he put on the movie he stripped down to his boxers, folding his clothes neatly and sitting them on the chair. He then sat down and I cuddled into him immediately.

He smiled and kissed my head, wrapping his arm around me and started the movie, wrapping the blanket around him. Then he pulled me closer, and I giggled, resting against his warm chest.

I couldn’t help but wonder if this was maybe… better than sex. I don’t know, it just feels so… good to be with him. That was all I knew.

Nothing else really mattered, though, because that’s all I need, also.

27. ℓιχινιαтισи

A S H T O N

I need you because you put me in a place where I can just exist with no worry. When everything is falling down around me, you are the one who holds things together for me.

The light leaking into the bedroom was annoying and it made me groan and shuffle closer to Blake. Last night had been wonderful. It wasn’t something that we typically did, but it was nice. I still preferred being fucked senseless, but last night was… fun. I hadn’t ever done anything like that before last night and it was something I’d definitely like to do it again. Right now all I could think of was touching Blake.

I needed to feel his hands on me, I wanted to feel every inch of his body against mine. I desired him in every way. I wanted to know that he was there, that he was

real.

I shuffled up to his side and bit my lip, glancing over at the clock on the nightstand. I groaned and closed my eyes. I wanted to go back to sleep… or get laid. Blake had refused to have sex with me. He claimed that he wanted to pamper me and take care of me, to give me time to adjust to the information that I’d been given.

I could respect why he didn’t want to have sex with me last night, but I hoped that it wasn’t an ongoing issue. I wanted to please him in every way, and if I couldn’t please him sexually, that wouldn’t be right. I am his submissive. I need to please him in every way. Sexually is probably one of the most important ones, though, right?

But then, I suppose it isn’t, also. It’s a big part of our relationship, but it isn’t

all

of our relationship. I genuinely wanted to be with him. Sex not counted. Even if he didn’t want to have sex with me, I would still want him. I’d be very disappointed, and more than a little depressed, and feel like a complete and utter failure as a submissive, but I still would want to be with him.

I just wanted to please him.

Time seemed to pass by rather slowly. I watched him sleep, taking in the way his eyelids covered the darkness of his eyes, and his chest barely moved as he slept. He looked peaceful. He looked

safe.

The gentle rise and fall of his chest was calming, and I found myself tracing one of his tattoos with my finger idly, loving the way his skin felt under my fingertips.

This felt too good to be true. I wiggled a bit and rested my head on his bicep, getting close as possible and taking a deep breath.

He even smells amazing. Something about the scent of his body-wash turned me on. I wasn’t entirely sure

why

because it didn’t really make sense. But the smell really affected me deeply. I shifted again, and looked over at the clock again. It’s starting to get a bit later.

“Mm, morning trouble.” Blake groaned as I shifted again and he tapped me on the ass. I stopped moving, breathing–everything. I felt bad because I woke him up, but also excited because he was awake finally.

“Morning Daddy.” I said and I cuddled into his side.

“How long have you been up?” He asked, and I shrugged. “Well you hopefully haven’t been up long. We probably need to get up and shower.” He said, and I nodded. He got up and I reached out for him. He smiled a bit and picked me up, wrapping my arms around his neck. I giggled softly and sank into his arms.

I loved to feel his body against mine. The feeling of his skin flush against mine was mind boggling. I wanted to feel more of this.

He set me down on the counter of the bathroom sink and turned on the tap, letting the water warm up for a moment. He came back to me and put his hands on my hips. “How did you sleep trouble?” He asked me as he pulled my hair off my neck and tied it up with a hairband.

“I slept okay. I always sleep okay.” I told him and he smirked a bit and nodded.

“Oh?” He said teasingly, slipping his hands down my back and playing with my sides. I bit my lip as shivers raced up and down my spine. “Why is that, trouble?” He asked me teasingly, and I blushed.

“Well… it’s just that I feel safe. You know, with you.” I admitted softly, my cheeks flushing pink. I looked over at the mirror, looking at our bodies contrasting. He was so

big.

Muscles, and height… oh fuck. He was covered in tattoos, and honestly I just wanted to lick them. Over and over again. For hours. I, on the other hand, was quite a bit smaller. No real muscles, and I’m short as hell so I was the exact opposite. I also had no tattoos.

“You are safe, pup. I’ll never let anything happen to you.” His words were comforting and I giggled softly and nodded, closing my eyes as he leaned forward to kiss me. Our lips touched and I whimpered, pushing into the kiss. I loved the feeling of his lips against mine.

He pulled away from my lips finally and took a deep breath. “You’re too cute.” He murmured softly, looking over me as I blushed. “Lets get you showered. I have some people coming over from out of state.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow. “I have friends, you know.” he teased, and I nodded quickly, biting my lip.

“I didn’t mean to come across as rude, daddy. I’ve just never heard you talking on the phone, or anything.” I said, and he shrugged.

“I typically email my friends. However, this was set up before I even met you. They wanted to come see where I’d moved, and how I’d settled in.” He explained.

“Do they know?” I asked, and he raised his eyebrow.

“Know what, trouble?” He asked.

“T-that I’m your…” the words got stuck in my throat, because I didn’t know what to say. After everything that was going on in my life, ‘master’ didn’t feel like the right word. He

is

my master, and I love that… but this felt like so much more than just a Master/sub relationship.

I don’t really know if this is something that I want to discuss… what if I was looking at everything wrong and he wanted to end this? I don’t know how I’d hold up to losing him.

I cared too much.

“That you’re my lover?” he asked, and my cheeks flamed red at the term. It sent butterflies racing around in my stomach and my face felt hotter than usual.

“Y-yes.” I stuttered, unable to get control of my tongue enough to reply properly. The use of the word

lover

had me shaking in my unusually comfortable seat on the counter. He was holding me close to him, and it felt so amazing to be so close to him.

Thoughts, well, more like memories were flashing through my head, showing me times that Blake has taken me to completion over and over again. Memories flipping like an old time picture viewer in my head, making me desperate for those memories to become my present.

“Yes, trouble. They know that you belong to me. And none of them would

dare

mess with my property.“ He said softly, comfortingly. I whimpered slightly, blushing as a shock of lust shot through me like hot lightning.

“Y-your property?” I asked shyly, my cheeks redder than radishes. He nodded his head.

“That’s what you are, isn’t it? Every inch of you belongs to me, doesn’t it?” His words made my heart race and a bit light headed, I felt like all of the blood running downwards to my cock, which was covered by a lacy blue pair of tight panties that left little to the imagination.

I loved the way they felt on me, though. I knew that I shouldn’t want to wear them, I shouldn’t desire to wear them… but it felt

right

. Especially with Blake. Doing anything that Blake wanted felt right.

I’d follow him into oblivion blindly, I’d wager. I couldn’t really think about that, though. I couldn’t believe that he’d ever do anything to hurt me. I couldn’t let that be a thought in my head. I didn’t want to even begin to think about it.

“Yes, I’m yours… all of me.” I whispered breathlessly as he ran his hand down my spine, skimming his warm fingers down to the dimples on my lower back. It felt so good to have the warmth of his hands on me, and I couldn’t help but want him to take my panties off and fuck me right now.

“I know you are, trouble.” he said softly, pulling me down off the counter and up into his arms. I whimpered, wrapping myself around him and sinking into the warmth of him. The warm steam that was beginning to swarm the air in the bathroom was comforting on my cool skin and I let him walk me over to the bathtub, where he tapped my ass, and I put my feet down on the ground.

He pushed my panties down, leaving me bared to his sight. “You’re gorgeous Ashton. So beautiful.” He murmured, and I blushed at the attention, keeping my eyes lowered from his. He wrapped me into his arms after taking off his boxers and put me into the shower. He kissed me softly, letting his hands skim down my sides. He pulled away and pushed me back the slightest bit so I was underneath the cascading water.

“Daddy, I want you.” I whimpered softly, closing my eyes as the heated water washed over my skin. I couldn’t wait for him to hold me. I needed that so badly. I’d wanted him last night and he hadn’t wanted to had sex with me. I had wanted him so badly, though. I’d nearly cried when he said he absolutely refused to have sex, because it felt like I was disappointing him. I never wanted to do that… ever.

I only wanted him to be happy with me, proud of me. I wanted him to know that I was doing the very best possible with everything he taught me. I didn’t want him to think that I wasn’t his to use. He owns me, completely. If he said jump, I’d say how high. He pushed me back against the shower wall, putting his hands on my hips.

“I want you so bad.” He growled in my ear, making my skin heat and my heart race. My legs felt weak, unsteady, and I couldn’t picture anything besides him taking me right here, right now. “I want to fuck your pretty little mouth, and then your ass.” He growled in my ear and I whimpered, looking up at him desperately.

“Please daddy. Please.” I whisper, and he nodded his head. “I need… please…”

“I know what you need, trouble,” he growled in my ear. “You need daddy to fuck you until you can’t remember your own name.” his words made lust shoot up my spine and I gasped, biting my lip and looking up at him as he collided our bodies together. The warm water of the shower was enhancing the moment somehow, it seemed, because we were both panting, and my skin was turning red from the heat of it, but I didn’t mind it.

Oh no, not at all. Because Daddy was going to fuck me. And that’s what I’d been craving all night.

“Daddy!” I gasped as he trailed kisses down my neck to my collarbone, biting and sucking. The feeling of his lips and teeth on my skin was nearly euphoric and I couldn’t help but shimmy a bit, feeling my cock brush his abdomen the slightest bit. He was back to trailing kisses up and down my neck, biting randomly as he hooked his arms under my knees and pulled me up his body easily enough.

Blakes strength was something that I loved. I enjoyed how much stronger he was in comparison to me. It made me feel like I was even more submissive than I already was. He caged me against the wall, pulling back from my neck and attacking my lips in a fiercely passionate kiss that sent my stomach into a mess of butterflies and excitement.

I wriggled slightly, moaning into the kiss. My cock was sandwiched between our bodies, and it was causing a deliciously good amount of friction against it. I loved to feel our bodies pressed together. I moved a bit, desperate to feel more. I moaned loudly when my movement caused a shot of blindingly hot arousal to shoot through me like lightning.

“Someone is being naughty,” Blake purred as he pulled away from my mouth, making me whimper. I was certain that if he didn’t get inside of me

now

I was going to lose my mind. “Tell daddy what you want, pup.” His words made my stomach clench in excitement.

“I want you to fuck me, daddy.“I told him, wriggling around against him.

“How do you want me to fuck you, hmm? Hard and fast, right here against this wall? Or do you want me to take you to the bedroom and make love to you? Slow and gentle, hmm? What does my little troublemaker want?” He asked me and I whimpered and fought with my tongue. His words sent me reeling, and I couldn’t get my tongue to cooperate at all.

“A-anything.“I whimpered, and he smirked, rubbing his length against my ass. I gripped onto his shoulders hard, my nails biting down as he took one hand down to press his cock against my hole.

The blunt head against my hole was enough to make me gasp and I pushed down desperate and needy. “Please daddy!” I gasped, and he smirked, thrusting into me hard and fast. I squeaked in shock, pain tingling up and down my spine. Despite the pain, I enjoyed it, and I couldn’t fathom the thought of him pulling out of me.

“You’re such a good boy,” he groaned into my ear and I whimpered, nodding my head and biting my lip. I couldn’t breathe for a moment, and I shook my head. “You better hold on tight,” He growled, and I bit my lip and wrapped my arms around him, holding on to him as he started thrusting in and out of me at a fast pace.

My entire world singled down to the feeling of him thrusting in and out of me. I was pleasing him–I was pleasing my daddy. I knew I was. There was nothing stopping me from being his good boy. I loved it. I loved him.

Oh fuck, I love him so much.

In this moment, nothing mattered. Not my head, or the upcoming surgery. Not anything with my parents, or anything. Nothing but this mattered. This was everything to me. This right here was perfect.

28. ¢у¢ℓιzαтισи

A S H T O N

I would give you anything, everything, all of me. You are perfect, you are my daddy, and I would trust you with everything. I can’t think of anything but you. You are my life, now.

I woke up, buried underneath Blake’s warm body. I was caged beneath him, safely tucked away from the world. I didn’t mind it a bit. It felt like home. Blake had me on my back, pressed against the bed, his warmth sinking into me without worry. I loved the warmth, I needed it so much.

Blake has become my rock. My entire world, and I couldn’t think of one reason not to stay right here forever. I needed this so much. I had thought that I was happy with my parents. I had thought that if I pleased them, and made them happy, I’d be happy too. But I knew that I wasn’t truly happy, because I wasn’t myself. And now, I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. 

Blake would never force me to do anything I genuinely didn’t want to do. He always takes my feelings into consideration, and he absolutely made me feel like I was the most important thing in his world. I loved the feeling of pleasing him. I knew that I belonged here with him. I don’t really know what I would do if he didn’t want me this way. I hadn’t experienced this before, now that I have, I don’t think that I could live without it. 

I love every moment of belonging to Blake. I loved every aspect of it-he was understanding, and patient, loving, caring, and he always made sure that I was secure, and feeling safe. I couldn’t really think of any reason why I’d ever be unhappy with him.

I see all of these people on television fighting with their lovers, hitting them, arguing with them, and causing them pain, and I don’t really understand it. I hadn’t been able to fathom anything like that happening with Blake and I. I knew that I had nothing to fear when it came to Blake. He was my protector. He was my everything. And I knew that as long as he wanted me, I’d always want him.

I couldn’t imagine ever cheating on him. I don’t honestly believe that there’d ever be someone who could make me feel the way that he made me feel. I am ruined to every man but him, forever. I knew that. I didn’t want to have any other man. 

I wanted Blake, always. 

“You awake, Trouble?” Blake grumbled in my ear, and I giggled softly, and pushed myself against him, smiling a bit. “Ah, you are, then.” He said softly, and I nodded, not speaking yet. 

I didn’t feel like talking. I felt like loving him, holding him, and feeling him within me again. I knew that he wouldn’t have sex with me again, because I was hurt and he didn’t want to push me to the limit and hurt me. I didn’t know why he worried about me and us having sex. He would never hurt me, even if it was sexually. I didn’t mind the fact that he didn’t want to be with me and hurt me, but I longed to be used like his little slut again. 

He wasn’t being as rough with me, and though I loved the feeling of him inside me rather he was rough, or not, I really just wanted things to go back to how they were before we found out about my head. I loved the fact that he was so careful, though. 

I loved that he wanted to protect me, and take care of me. I just didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t have the kind of sex he desired of me. I didn’t want to have him unsatisfied, and I knew that if he didn’t get pleased the way he needed to be pleased, he’d soon bore of me. 

Though that thought was painful, I was scared of it. I didn’t want to lose him over my health issues. There was so much that I didn’t have to offer that someone his own age could. My health was a downfall, and I was a hand-full all over myself. I didn’t have the maturity he did, and I was clingy, and I needed attention all the time. If he didn’t give me attention, I’d pout and whine. 

I just want him to be around all the time. And for the most part, unless he gets called into work, he is. He doesn’t leave me for long, and if he does leave, he keeps in contact with me the entire time. I don’t really give him much of a choice though, since I message him somewhat relentlessly. 

I just loved it when he talked to me. I loved the way he made me feel. I never felt like a disappointment with him. I knew that I’d never do anything right for my parents, and I hated it. I should have known that there was nothing right about the way my parents made me feel, but I didn’t really know what was right or wrong until now. Until I found out what was real, and what my parents had painted into existence. 

“My friends will be here soon.” He groaned softly, rolling over and looking around the room. “Typically I’d already be ready. Damn.” He complained. 

I giggled softly and twisted around so that I was in the bend of his shoulder, and pressed a kiss to his shoulder, trailing a teasing finger down his chest slowly. “Tell me you regret it.” I told him, and he laughed softly and curled his arm around my waist.  I bit my lip and looked at his chest as I traced a small tattoo on his upper torso. 

“I can’t do that, because I refuse to lie to you.” He said, and I giggled softly. “We really should get up and shower. This time, I’m not going to fuck you.” He said determinedly. I shook my head, smiling at him as he sighed.

“We just showered.” I said, and he sighed deeply.

“Barely, pup. I fucked you in the shower and then again on the bed. You’ve got to be sore.” He said, and I shrugged a bit, looking up  at him through my bangs.

“I’m a little sore, but I’m fine. I loved it.” I told him, and he raised an eyebrow. 

“Did you?” He asked teasingly. 

“Yes, I did. I always love it when you fuck me the way you fucked me today.” I admitted bashfully. My cheeks heated up and I bit my lip. “When you’re inside of me, fucking me, and owning every inch of me, that is all I want. I don’t even halfway think of anything else. I don’t mind the soft touches, but I will always prefer the real you.” I murmured softly, looking away from him in embarrassment. 

I didn’t really know how I felt about baring all of that out there like that. It felt so personal, and scary. What if he didn’t want to be with me because of that? What if it showed my age, or my maturity level? What if I didn’t please him? 

That last question scared me shitless. I didn’t want to have him unhappy with me. All I wanted was to be good for him. I wanted to please him in every way, and make him happy. I wanted him to love me, some day.

Maybe one day he will. With a sigh, I pulled myself up out of bed and followed Blake into the bathroom, getting ready to take a second shower.

-    *    -

A knock at the door had me jumping, and I looked desperately over at Blake whom was stirring a pot of stir-fry on the stove as if he was paid to do so. I loved to watch him cook. He was so good at it, it made me nearly envious. I hated that I couldn’t do that for him. 

Blake looked so sexy as he cooked also. His body was so fit, and I loved to watch his muscles contract as he reaches about for this or that. I would pay to have a video of him reaching up for a pan. The way his shirt slid up the slightest bit, exposing his tattooed back, his sun-kissed skin looking utterly delectable. 

I wanted to get on my knees and worship him, in all his handsome, amazing, caring perfection. His skin was only one of the reasons, though. He was so strong, and loving and I longed to feel him moving inside of me any time he wasn’t in me, or on me, or otherwise. I knew that I might be obsessed, but honestly, if anyone else was getting the chance to have his cock fucked into them over and over, they would be just as obsessed as me. 

“Get the door, trouble.” Blake commanded, and I jumped, nodding and darting off towards the door. I was excited to meet the people that Blake regarded as friends. He knew mine, and I liked that he was okay with me meeting his. I really loved the idea that he let them know that I was his . 

I took a deep breath and opened the door, looking at the four people who were standing on the front porch. There was three guys, and one woman, all looking shocked to see me. “Hello! Please come in.” I greeted kindly, feeling a bit nervous. What if they didn’t like me? What if they had a problem with my age? I couldn’t help but be a bit scared. I had never been in this situation before. In fact, I’d never even had a boyfriend before I met Blake. 

“I take it you’re Blake’s…” The first guy trailed off as he looked over me in questioning. He was quite handsome, dark brown hair neatly gelled back, tan skin, and deep brown eyes. He was wearing a nice sweater that I’d bet costed more than everything I owned, combined. 

“Boyfriend.” I filled in shyly, a bit nervous. He didn’t seem to like me much, and I felt awkward. “I’m Ashton.” I told them, shuffling my feet a bit and playing with my long sleeves nervously. 

“I’m Chance.” The next guy jumped in, as if sensing my discomfort. “The douche-bag is Charlie. You’d never believe that we’re related, right? And that’s my boyfriend Nikolai. And, last, but certainly not least, that’s Amanda.” He said, and I looked over at him, uncertainly. He was handsome too, same dark hair, eyes and skin as the other guy, but instead of a hard, questioning look, he pinned me with a smile. I smiled back, a bit timidly. 

“Hello. Blake is in the kitchen cooking. Would you like me to show you the way?” I asked, and Chance nodded.

“Thank you.” He said, looking over me. I felt a bit uncomfortable under his eyes, but I didn’t comment as I led them to the kitchen. The girl had yet to speak, choosing to look over me in what I believed was ill-disguised curiosity. I couldn’t help but running over and standing as close to Blake as our bodies allowed. 

“Hey guys! I see you met Ash.” Blake said, turning around and looking at his friends. “It’s been a long time Amanda.” He said, and she nodded. 

“I’ve been in Paris, actually. You know that little bakery that I opened there? Doing marvelous.” The girl, Amanda, I realized had a very thick accent, and it sounded pretty nice as she talked. She was also very pretty, with long blonde hair that hung in loose rivulets down to her elbow, short, and rather skinny. Her face was void of much makeup, though she wore the slightest bit  of lipstick and a tiny bit of foundation. 

“I’m glad to hear it. My fathers business is doing alright.” He said. “Though I’m not surprised that you’re doing well, you’ve always been very smart and capable. I have no doubt that you’re an amazing owner.” Blake said, and she smiled a bit. 

“I bet your fathers business will be back to it’s former glory now,” She said and her eyes darted over to me. “So, where did you meet… Ashton?” She asked, and I bit my lip nervously. 

“We met here, actually. He’s my neighbors son.” He said, and I nodded. “He brought me this dorky little basket as a welcome to the neighborhood gift.” He explained, and I bit my lip.

“So where is he staying?” Charlie asked him, looking over me. 

“He’s staying here.” Blake said, glaring at him. I felt a bit like I was causing issues, so I looked up at Blake and cleared my throat. 

“C-can I go to the room?” I asked shyly, chancing a glance over at Charlie, whom smirked at me a bit. I shuffled a bit closer to Blake feeling a bit uncomfortable. 

“No need.” Blake said, glaring over at me. “Charlie and I are going to have a little conversation in my office. Chance and Amanda can stay here with you.” He said, and I nodded shyly. Blake looked down at me and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. He leaned down and kissed me softly, making me entire body shake inside. “Let’s go Charlie.” He said when he pulled away from me. 

I sighed deeply and watched as Blake led Charlie up to the study. I bit my lip and looked over at the other three of his friends. “Listen, Ash, don’t worry about Charlie. Charlie doesn’t like anyone that Blake is with. He picks them apart and finds things wrong that isn’t there.” Chance said, and Amanda nodded.

“He’s done this to everyone. It’s not just you.” She agreed. 

“I’ve always got the feeling that Charlie has feelings for Blake. Blake has never, and will never, reciprocate his feelings, and Charlie knows it.” Nikolai said, looking over at me. “He likes boys, not men.” Nikolai seemed like a guy who only said a few words. 

In fact, he’d barely spoke since everyone got here, and I wasn’t too sure if he could even speak at first. I was surprised when he said what he said. “I agree. I can picture him being happy with you.” Amanda said, and I smiled, nodding at her. 

“Thank you. I would hope so, because Blake has made me very happy, and all I really want to do is return the favor.” I told her, and she smiled at me. Chance smiled and patted my shoulder. 

Her words weren’t extravagant, and her words wouldn’t string together a paragraph, but those few words meant the world to me, and I immediately felt happy because I wanted Blake to be happy with me, but also because I was accepted by at least three of his friends. I didn’t want everyone in the world to think we were a terrible couple. I wanted everyone to see that Blake made me so happy, and in return, I did the same for him. 

Hopefully, I did the same for him.

29. νιи∂ι¢αтισи

A S H T O N

There is something about your touch that drives me mad. The thought of someone else having you, touching you…

When Blake returned he was back to typical Blake again. He wasn’t upset anymore it didn’t seem. He came right back to my side and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my cheek. I giggled softly, my cheeks heating up as he pulled me closer to him.

“You’re mine,” He growled into my ear quietly, pulling the lobe into his mouth and biting a bit. I whimpered and bit my lip. 

“Yes, I am.” I told him softly, turning to look at his friends. He laughed into my ear and shook his head. It made me blush a bit as Chance looked at me with a smirk on his face. 

“Well, I suppose we should head out,” Chance said softly, looking over at Charlie who was glowering off into space. “We want to go out to dinner. Nik and I, I mean, and we’d like for you to come, too.” 

“It would be a lot of fun. You guys staying at a hotel around here?” Blake asked, and Chance nodded. 

“I have to be home for business tomorrow, so I’m leaving tonight,” Charlie cut in. “It was nice to see you, though. Perhaps we could meet up and have a cuppa sometime… it’d be lovely.” The way he said ‘we’ made it rather clear that I wasn’t invited, not that I wanted to go anyway. 

“I would love to. Perhaps Ash and I can fly out to see you.” Blake said. I didn’t tell him that I wouldn’t be comfortable with that because I got the feeling he knew that already, and was only saying it to make a point. 

What the point was, I wasn’t sure. But, it was there and I wasn’t hesitating to let him make it. Blake would never make me uncomfortable. Charlie’s smile as he stood looked a bit forced, sarcastic, and kind of rude, but I didn’t comment. 

He left, not even bothering to say goodbye to Blake. Blake smirked and shrugged. “Well, now that he’s gone,” Chance said, smirking a bit. “I want the details! How did you guys meet?” He asked, and I bit my lip.

“My mother sent me over here with a gift basket,” I said, looking over at Blake with a blush on my cheeks. “I was so shy that I could barely even utter a word out to him.” I admitted.

“Honestly, I’d been watching him since I caught sight of him the day that I brought my stuff to the house,” Blake said, his hand slipping down to my ass. 

“He’s so much younger than you,” Amanda noted, and Blake shrugged his shoulders, pulling me closer to him.

“Ash’s age doesn’t bother me any. He is mature, he is driven, he wants to succeed and he’s brilliant.” Blake said. “Despite what Charlie says, Ashton has helped me more than anyone realizes.” Blake said, and pressed a kiss to my forehead. 

I felt so much pride at the thought of helping him with something. Just the knowledge that I did something to benefit Blake made my insides feel all light and fluffy. I was so happy that I had made him happy. 

It was like something that I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t describe it, but I knew that it was a completely satisfied feeling, nonetheless.

---

I knew that school had to come back eventually, but really I thought with my impending surgery, it’d be a while longer. Perhaps I was just spoiled to spending time with Blake.  I loved being around him all the time, and ever since he’d said that I had helped him with something, I felt even more desire to be around him all the time. 

I was looking forward to tonight, despite the fact that this was my last couple of days off from school. My note from school ended on Friday, so I knew that I’d be heading back in on Monday. I didn’t want to, but I had to.

I wanted to be an author, it was my dream. I want to publish a book, and become famous. I want to make Blake proud. 

I sighed deeply and glanced in the mirror, my outfit not feeling like… me. I seemed to have a feminine way I dressed, and this just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like me. I pulled my hair up into a bun and sighed deeply. My head was hurting, but I can’t really complain about it because I didn’t want Blake to be disappointed with me for not making this date.

“Trouble,” Blake sighed softly, walking up behind me and putting his hands on my hips. I bit my lip and looked up into his eyes in the mirror. “Is something the matter, princess?” He asked me softly, and I blushed brightly. 

Princess… for something that was so obviously not aimed at my gender what-so-ever, it felt so fucking amazing to have it said to me.  I couldn’t seem to get my tongue to work, to sort out a response for him, and so, he smirked.

“Ah, so my little troublemaker likes that one, eh?” He asked teasingly, trailing his nose down my neck softly, his breath ghosting my skin, leaving gooseflesh in the wake of it. I whimpered, lust washing over me at his words. 

“Yes, daddy.” I said softly, looking at us in the mirror as he trailed his hands over my stomach slowly. Despite the clothes separating his hands from my skin, I felt like I was slowly being set on fire. With my lust firing up, my head seemed to also want in on the fun, and I felt a bit queasy, but I couldn’t complain. 

His touch was like a torch, setting my body and every nerve inside of me, on fire. I had never even imagined that this was a feeling before, until I felt him. Until I felt his lips on mine, until I felt his blazingly hot touch, feel the fire it left inside of me… it was painful but pleasurable torture.

“So, what is the matter princess?” He asked me softly, putting his warm, calloused hands on my hips. I rubbed my head with my hand, feeling the etchings of a headache starting. I need to stop thinking so hard on this. 

“I just don’t feel right. I don’t look right.” I murmured softly. I was honest, though. I didn’t feel right. My head was aching dully, and though I was anxious to get this date over with, but it seemed to be a bit more daunting than anything. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t feel well, I wanted to tell him that I thought I needed to rest. I wanted to tell him that I needed my daddy to cuddle me. I couldn’t though.

“Ashton, don’t be silly, you’re gorgeous. What are you talking about?” He asked me worriedly, his hands tensing on my hips.

“No, no… I mean my outfit.” I told him, and he nodded and sighed somewhat in relief. “It just doesn’t suit me. I don’t feel like…” Going. Myself. Both? Only one? I don’t know. I just didn’t feel like going. But I didn’t want to disappoint Blake, either.

“Your clothes are a tad less… tight today.” He murmured softly, and I nodded my head. I 

“I’m trying to make a good impression on your friends.” I said softly, and he raised an eyebrow, pulling away from me and spinning me around so that we were staring eye to eye.

“Ashton, I don’t want you to change yourself to make my friends happy, You’re gorgeous, you’ve got the sweetest personality, and you are beautiful. Don’t worry about what other people think of you.” He said, and I bit my lip.

“I just want them to like me.” I sighed. 

“Ashton, anyone whos got any sense will love you. Do you want me to pick you out something instead?” He asked me, and I blushed and nodded. 

Blake smiled and walked over to the closet, going in and sorting through everything. I watched him as he looked around, excited. The idea of dressing for him was arousing, but the idea that he was even dressing me outside of sex… that made my knees feel weak.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, feeling a bit queasy. I wasn’t too sure on if I was nauseous because of my head or if it was nerves from the upcoming date. I felt the need to run to the bathroom, but I didn’t. That’d be a dead give-away. 

“You alright, trouble?” Blake asked again, and I nodded my head. The nod made me feel like throwing up. I just took in a slow, steady breath and hoped that I didn’t end up puking on Blake. Blake nodded and turned back around, digging in my side of the closet again. 

Once he was finished, he pulled out a pair of black leather jeans, a fancy dress shirt I’d never seen before, and my dress shoes. I definitely liked the look of that better than what I’d dressed in previously, but I still didn’t feel too much better. My head still hurt, nonetheless.

I undressed slowly, knowing if I moved too fast I’d heighten the chances of me getting sick, and ruining his entire day. He’d been looking forward to this date for three days, I’d imagine. I had to go through with this. It is a must.

Blake is going to get tired of me being so sickly and annoying, and he’s going to toss me to the curb. I can’t let that happen. Not only will I lose the one person I had left, and I cared about, I’d lose my home. Blake had become my home, my safety.

Losing him would be gut-wrenching. It would end me, I believe. He made me so happy, he made me feel cared about, and cherished, and loved even if he didn’t really love me. He made me feel like I was special, like I was important… like I mattered.

I didn’t want to lose him. It was more than just about what he did for me. I didn’t want to let him go because, even if I know I shouldn’t, even if I know he doesn’t, even if I believe he won’t ever return the feeling, I’m in love with him. I know I am. There’s nothing else that it could be.

One look, one kiss, and everything around me fizzled away. I’d let myself become so shamefully addicted to him that I couldn’t see straight. Not that I ever was straight, but… I felt like I’d put on rose coloured glasses. When I look around, all I see is him. His smile, his messy hair, his tattoos which cover basically every inch of him. When I take a deep breath, he’s all I can smell. The scent of his body wash, deodorant, and cologne all mingling together to make him smell utterly masculine and sexy. 

But it was more than just a typical boyfriend girlfriend kind of love. It felt deeper, more like a bond than a relationship. To me, Blake was all I could see. No other man could ever tempt me, because all I want is Blake.

I desired to have Blake’s collar around my neck, smell his scent all over me, feel he ache of the love-bites just under the surface of my skin. I desired everyone to know I belonged to Blake. I wanted them to know that I was with him, and that I was proud as hell of it. I wasn’t ashamed to wear his collar to school, or anywhere else for that fact. I was proud of it. 

I was proud that he thought I was worth collaring. I was proud of the fact he’d had it made specifically for me. I was proud that he wanted me. I was ultimately just proud of the fact that I, the little goody-two-shoes next door, managed to end up with someone so understanding, loving, and amazing. 

I stepped into my pants, my stomach clenching a bit as I buttoned them. The pressure on my stomach made it feel a bit easier to throw up, and though I was trying my best not to show that I was sick, it felt rather impossible as a wave of dizziness washed over me. 

I stumbled, reaching out for something to hold on to, but I missed the wall. I was certain that I was going to hit the floor. I put my hands out in front of me to catch myself. 

I ended up face first in Blake’s chest, his warmth comforting me. I sighed deeply and shuffled up to him, wrapping around him. “Princess,” He muttered softly, and I whimpered. “Are you okay? One last time.” He told me.

“I’m,” I started, feeling icky. I didn’t want to lie to him. Especially not looking at him in the eyes. “I’m… not feeling well.” I muttered softly, feeling terrible. “But I’m okay.” I hurriedly finished.

“Trouble, is it your head?” He asked, and I sheepishly nodded. He glared down at me for a moment, but then he relaxed after a moment. “Get undressed, princess. Crawl into bed. I’m going to call Chance. He’ll understand.” He told me softly. 

I sighed softly and bit my lip. He didn’t give me a moment to complain, or to give him lip. He turned around and pulled out his phone, calling Chance. He watched as I undressed and got into bed, then he turned and walked out, leaving the door open in the hallway. I heard him talking, but I didn’t even want to try to be nosy because of my head. I just laid there, soaking in the scent of his pillow. 

It didn’t take but a moment for him to hang up and strip himself, crawling into bed beside me. I bit my lip as he pulled me to his chest. “Are you mad at me?” I asked him softly.

“I’m… frustrated. But not angry.” He said softly. I opened my mouth to ask him, but he shushed me. “I’m frustrated because you tried to hide it when I knew you weren’t being honest. I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t know what. I’m not angry, though.” 

“I’m sorry, daddy.” I whispered. 

“I’m not angry. Just rest, baby.” He murmured softly. I nodded, slipping my eyes shut as he hugged me close to his body. I smiled softly, getting close to him. I didn’t speak, and neither did he. 

The silence was comfortable, and it was safe. His presence calmed me down enough to somewhat settle my stomach. I found myself drifting in and out of sleep, content.

30. єχραтιαтισи

A S H T O N

I am yours, and I don’t mind that you claim me. I know that there’s nothing separating me from you, and that’s all that holds me together sometimes. The claim you have on me gives me hope.

When monday came around I was still bothered by my head. Blake had been worried all weekend, but his hands were tied. He couldn’t magically make me better. It has to be driving him crazy, though, because it’s something that isn’t in his control. 

Blake strives on control . 

When he doesn’t have control, he gets frustrated and it makes him anxious. I try to do everything to ease the worries when he can’t control something, especially my head. It’s out of both of our control, and it’s equally driving me crazy. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I want to be better. 

I want to go back before I found out about my head, before I knew how severe it really is. Every passing day I get a little bit more anxious because I know what’s wrong. 

The more severe the headache, the more my heart races in my chest. The constant fear was driving me crazy. I’d never worried this much in my life. I was looking at losing more than just a few memories. I’m looking at, if I’m not careful, my life. 

Up to this point, my life hadn’t been too special. I’d done well in school. I had a high GPA, but I sacrificed a social life for it. I had little to no friends, and there was a lot less to live for. It was something, and I certainly didn’t want to die. I knew though, that then, there wasn’t anyone who’d have been too worried over it. Now, I don’t want to even process the fact that this is life-threatening. 

I love my life here. I love being with Blake. I have never been this happy before in my life and I don’t… I’m not ready to lose this. It’s only been a little while here. It’s not enough for me to be ready to die. 

I sighed deeply and threw an arm over my face, the pain behind my skull excruciating. This was probably the most excruciating that it’d ever been. I could feel it aching away, like a bruise from when I’d fallen off my bike when I was little. 

Blake had been here with me all day. I’d called into school this morning, telling them about my health issue. They told me to stay out as long as was needed, and they’d help me catch up when I was back to normal. 

He’d only recently crawled out of bed to go make me some soup a little while ago. I missed him as soon as he’d left. I had bit my lip and watched him go, though. I knew eventually he’d be back because he was bringing me something to put on my stomach. I hadn’t been able to eat in a couple of days, at least not much more than soup broth and a piece of toast.

He’d tried to feed me real food, but I’d just gotten sick. He’d decided after that to feed me broth and toast, something light so that it wouldn’t make me sick. I appreciated it a lot because I didn’t feel good. I didn’t want my head to hurt even worse because I got sick. 

I don’t know what it is about throwing up, but your head hurts worse. You feel empty, but yet you feel like you have a stomach full, still. 

I groaned softly, rolling over onto my side. I wasn’t looking forward to the food. I hated that I felt dread slinking up and down my spine at the thought of food. It wasn’t a lot of food either. It was just because I’d been sick so much since I’d been getting these damned headaches that food makes my stomach churn in fear. I force myself to eat everything that Blake cooks, but lately most of what I ate came back up within a couple hours of eating it. It seems like the headaches just keep getting worse, and I can’t stand it. 

I hate pain, unless Blake is the one causing it. 

That sent a thought of something that wasn’t exactly pain shooting through me. I loved being Blake’s submissive. There was something about it that made me free in a way that I hadn’t been in a long, long time. With Blake, he takes care of me regardless of anyone’s opinion and I love that. Is it wrong? Stupid? Maybe it is, but it doesn’t feel stupid. No, it feels right . Like I belong here. Hell, I know I belong here. 

It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about Blake and I’s relationship because it’s us, not them. I don’t really care about anything but the fact that Blake wants me. As long as Blake wants me here, I’ll be here. There’s no way he could get rid of me without him not wanting me anymore. I’d leave if he told me to, though. 

There’s limits to everything, and one of those limits is stalking . It’s okay to be submissive, I love it. But you have to know when to let something go. And I do.

That doesn’t mean that it’d be easy, though. I’d crave Blake every moment he’s away, desire to feel his eyes running over me at all times. I feel alone if I’m not around him. But, I’d let him go if he told me to. I just… wouldn’t enjoy it. And it would definitely be the hardest thing I’d ever done because of how much I need him. I can’t really think of anything more heartbreaking than Blake telling me he was done with me, and that he wanted me to go away. I couldn’t imagine it. I was so attached the thought of him doing that completely crushes me. 

The sound of my phone vibrating on the bedside table rushed through my head and I groaned softly, rolling over and grabbing it off the table. I turn on the screen and see quite a few messages from Damien, but I’d completely forgotten about him the past few weeks. I hadn’t meant to, but I still felt pretty badly because I’d accidentally been blowing him off. 

Damien: Hey man, u haven’t been at school in a while. Everything ok?

Damien: Ash, r u ok? It’s been a while since u’ve messaged me, and been to school. Did something happen? R u alright? Lemme know. 

Damien: Ok, so I guess I take the hint. You’re too fucking busy with that old fart you call a boyfriend. That’s fine. Why don’t you just tell someone you’re okay? It’s not like you to miss school for such a stupid fucking reason. Jesus Ashton, what’s gotten into you? When did you become such a whore? 

I sucked in a deep breath and shook my head, fighting off tears. I’d felt really bad about not messaging him back at first, but after reading the last message he’d sent me, I wasn’t feeling particularly bad about not messaging him. The light from the phone screen was making my head worse, but I ignored the pain. I couldn’t really pretend not to have seen it, because it’d alert him when I saw it. 

Me: Damien, where do you get off calling me a whore? First off, Blake is not an OLD FART! He’s a bit older, but he’s not exactly edging ninety. And besides, what does Blake’s age have to do with anything? For your information, I’m not missing school because I’m partying in Las Vegas with my boyfriend, I’m missing school because of my head. 

Me:  I didn’t want to tell you how severe it is, but it’s looks like I’m going in for surgery soon. As for what’s gotten into me? I don’t feel well. I can’t hold food down most of the time so I’m weak, and my head makes the sunlight hurt worse than one of Mr. French’s pop-quizzes in Italian. I pressed send on the message before I could think better of it. I hated that I sounded like a douchebag, but I didn’t feel like going into the whole woe-is-me thing that Damien does every time I mention having a headache.

Me:  So, don’t be an ass. 

Me: Also, the light from the screen is kind of turning my stomach. Sorry I can’t really talk. I really am. If I felt like it, I would. But… I can’t. 

I pressed the send button, and then laid my phone down on the bed beside me. Just as I did so, the bedroom door opened, and Blake came in, bowl of soup in hand. He smiled at me softly as he closed the door again, blocking the light, and walked over to me. He’d put up a black comforter over the windows last night so that the light wouldn’t enter the room when the sun came up again.

He’d made me feel so cared for all this time and I know that it’s stupid, but I feel like I don’t deserve it. He’s the most amazing man anyone could ever wish for. He’d not signed up for my head issue, but he stood by me and protected me the entire time. He sat the soup down on the bedside table and crawled onto the bed beside me. “Princess? Trouble?” He murmured softly and I giggled softly. 

“Hi daddy.” I said softly, and he smiled. 

“You doing alright?” He asked me softly and I nodded. “Good, I brought your soup.” He said, and I nodded, glancing over at it for a second before looking back up at him. His dark eyes were filled with worry and I couldn’t help but shake my head. 

“I’m alright,” I murmured, my hand reaching up and caressing the side of his face. He smiled down at me and took my hand in his. “I am. You make me feel so much better.” I admitted softly. He brought my hand up to his lips and I whimpered when his lips traced over the soft skin of the back of my hand. 

In that moment, I leaned up and pressed my lips against his, our hands were still together, but our lips were too. I missed kissing him. I wanted to kiss him. I hate that I can’t feel well enough to have sex with him because it made me feel close to him. I missed the pleasure, but mainly I just missed the connection. Blake and I had a fair bit in common, but I felt like sex was something that no one else could have. 

This was what we had. This was us. 

Sex seemed to be something that made us feel… like we were whole. I felt like I was missing a piece of myself when he wasn’t inside of me. Like somehow, his length inside of me made me feel like he was a part of me, like he couldn’t go anywhere. It was a comforting feeling to me. I loved to feel him moving inside of me. 

It took the barriers between us away. 

“When your soup cools a bit, I want you to at least drink the broth. You have to have some sustenance in you, despite getting sick.” I nodded, and he smiled softly. “Good boy.” He murmured. 

I smiled a bit, it felt almost forced because of my head. But, it was a smile. A real one. Because I love Blake. 

I loved the way his voice caresses my name, and how Good boy sounded coming out of his mouth. I loved the way his eyes looked over me, lingering in all the right places. I loved how his hands made me shiver, and lust race up through my veins. I loved how he made me feel safe, and how I never felt like I was alone when I was around him. I loved how he touched me, how he made me feel loved. 

But it was more than that. So much more. 

I wouldn’t be content with anyone else touching me. I wouldn’t be okay with someone else making me feel lustful. I wouldn’t feel safe with anyone else, or not feel alone around them. 

Blake started out a complete stranger, and in so few weeks, he’d taken me over. He’d taken over my very being, every thought was of him, or around him. He’d taken over my soul, deep down inside of me.

He was my everything. I picked up my phone and tossed it over onto the bedside table, moving closer to Blake.

He wrapped me up in his arms, and coddled me. My head rested just over his heart, listening to the steady beating of his heart. It was calming, safe. It almost seemed to ease the ache of my head.

I heard my phone vibrating on the table, but I really didn’t care. I didn’t feel like dealing with Damien, and he was the only one, besides the school, that had my number so I knew it was him. 

I sighed and closed my eyes. I know Blake will wake me up shortly to make me eat, but for right now, my head isn’t too terrible, so I know that I can sleep some before it gets bad again. 

A/n: Hey guys, I’m back with another chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave me a comment and tell me what you think about Damien. Friend, or creeper?  Also, please check out my new one shot Delicate. It’s a MxB book took, and BDSM related also… oh wow, shocker there. 

~Anon.

31. ναяιαтισи

A S H T O N

I would give you all of me, no questions asked. I’d follow your lead, even through fire. I’d let you do anything to me, and I’d do anything for you, if it’d make you happy.

My surgery was finally scheduled. I was due to go in for surgery in two weeks. The doctor had told me that I needed to stay home from school until after I was recovered from the surgery, which I was actually happy about. I loved being home with Blake. I felt safe at home, with him. 

Blake babied me a lot, and I liked it. It felt good. 

Blake was also so warm. And he smelled really, really good. I loved the way he smelled. So masculine and delicious. I couldn’t keep myself from taking a deep breath and taking in the scent of his cologne. 

He’s been making me take the pain pills because my head had been hurting so badly, and they kind of made me feel funny. I didn’t enjoy the feeling at first, but it kind of… started to feel pleasant. At least my head wasn’t hurting. 

I smiled softly and sucked in a deep breath, trailing my finger tip over one of his tattoos. This particular one was very nice, it seemed to wrap around his nipple and I liked it. 

“You having fun?” He smiled softly, his breath ghosting my skin. I whimpered and nodded, smiling a bit. It felt good to have his skin against mine. It felt like I was safe, and happy and protected. The length of our bodies touching was comforting. I enjoyed it.

“Daddy, I’m horny.” I complained softly, and he shook his head at me, a smirk coming to his face. I giggled softly, my hand slipping down a tiny bit. His abdomen was rock hard under my hand, and I was immediately drawn to continuing, to going down lower and lower until my hand wrapped around his length. 

“I know you are,” He murmured softly, taking me and slipping between my legs and rolling me over onto my back. I giggled softly, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him down. I pressed my lips to his lips, desperate to feel him against me. Since I’ve been so sick with my head, I feel like I’ve neglected him sexually. 

I know it’s silly, probably immature and stupid, but I don’t want him to get tired of waiting on me to be healthy enough to get our sex life back on track. It’s not like he signed up to be my babysitter. He wanted to be my master, he wanted to have sex with me, but he didn’t sign up for me to get sick and not be able to satisfy him. Sex is important in a relationship, and we started off really sexually active. Now we’re not.

“Daddy,” I whimpered, my nails biting into his shoulders as he rubbed his pyjama covered crotch against mine. I moaned softly, tossing my head back. It felt so good, so hot. I loved being underneath him so much, it felt good. It felt amazing. 

“What princess?” He tsked hotly against my ear as he bit into my neck. The bite was rough, and it sent shocks of lust racing through my body. I moaned again and turned my head to the side, giving him more room to bite and kiss me. “Do you like this? Hmm?” His breath washed over my neck and I moaned.

“Y-yes!” I said, biting my lip as heat washed through me. He pulled back away from my neck to look down at me, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his. There was something so sexy about his eyes as he looked down into mine, the darkness of his pupil completely hiding his irises. The heat in his eyes was all-consuming and I lost myself it. I couldn’t help but push myself up against his warm chest. 

His hot, hard body caging me to the bed was arousing to say the least. I loved to be stuck under him. I loved to feel him touching me, to know that I can’t get away from him. 

“Ash we shouldn’t,” He groaned, rubbing against me. I shook my head yes, and he bit my neck again. 

“We should.” I moaned, and he grunted, licking down my chest, his hand coming up and lacing itself in my hair. I glanced down and almost came at the sight of his body on top of mine. 

He was so masculine, the lines of his abdomen meeting up with mine perfectly. The thing that was different–and shamefully sexy–was that the V line leading down to his beautiful, long, hard cock met with my hips. He made me look even smaller than I already was. 

“We really shouldn’t,” He growled this time, using my hair to tug my head to the other side, making me whimper quietly. 

“We should,” I pushed up into him, making him grip my hip with one hand and squeeze. It didn’t take much o convince him after that.

-   -   -

When I woke up, my head was killing me, but I got out of bed anyway. I only have a little bit of time with him until I have to go back to school. Once the surgery is done, I get one to two weeks off and then it’s back at school. 

I don’t want to spend this time laying around in bed like some old man waiting on death to take him. I’m going to get Blake to take me to dinner, or go to a movie, or something.

Well, a nice little dinner date, perhaps. My head probably couldn’t take a movie. The loud speakers in the bedroom and living room killed me. I don’t think a theatre would be a very good idea. 

“Ash, what are you doing out of bed?” Blake said, his hand dropping down on my shoulder. I jumped, shrieked, and turned on him. He smirked as he looked over me, his eyes drawn in a joking manner. I giggled, my anger suddenly leaving. 

“I wanna go somewhere.” I complained, and he sighed softly and shook his head. “Daddy, you can’t keep me locked up in here until after my surgery. I’m not saying let’s go to watch Go-Kart racing. I’m saying lets go get an ice-cream and walk around the park.” I murmured softly, walking closer to him and putting my head on his chest playfully. 

“Ash, the doctor was very serious when he said bedrest.” He said softly, and I shook my head and I sighed and giggled softly, putting my hand on his shoulder and leaning a bit closer.

I looked up at him, blinking up at him sweetly, attempting to look innocent. “Please daddy?” I unconsciously crossed my ankles and rocked back and forth shyly. 

“Don’t be getting all cute with me,” he said softly, and I just kept blinking at him shyly. He sighed deeply and glowered at me. I just smiled a bit sweetly and giggled softly, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his cheek sweetly. “Princess…” He groaned. 

“Please?” I asked softly, and I giggled softly. “Pretty pleaseeee!” He looked steely, but he paused and sighed deeply. 

“Ice-cream,” He asked, and I nodded. “Nothing stressful. One sundae, and we’ll go sit down at the park. And that’s it.” He said, and I giggled. 

“Okay, okay!” I giggled, running up the stairs and grabbing the first pair of pants out of the closet that I see, pulling them up and buckling them. I looked over them, a bit surprised at how cute they looked on me. I giggled and reached down, pulling a pair of converse on and sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

I tied them, and went over to the full length mirror and looked over myself. I went over to my little dresser and grabbed a lip-gloss and applied a slight bit to my lips, biting my lip. I smiled brightly and pulled my hair up into a messy bun, and went back over to the mirror and smiled. I smiled softly and shook my head. 

“You look cute,” Blake said, and I jumped, looking over at him. He smirked as I looked up at him. “You know, I bet you’d look really sexy in a nighty with some makeup on.” He said and I shrugged a bit. 

“I’ve never worn makeup much.” I said honestly, and he smirked a bit. “I’ve always been curious about it, though.” I admitted, and sucked in a deep breath. “When I was home, I couldn’t do it because I was being watched all the time.” I sighed softly, and he smirked a bit. 

“If you ever want to, I’ll let you.” He said, and I nodded excitedly. “Let’s get going,” He said, and I nodded, grabbing my phone and pushing it into my back pocket, letting Blake lead me out to the car. I watched as he locked the house up, and then he turned and led me down to the Jeep.

He let me get in, and got in himself, before he reached over and buckled me in, making me giggled a bit in happiness. “What’s so funny?” He asked, and I shrugged, making him smirk a bit. “We’re going to get ice cream and then to the park. You’re going to sit your ass down and eat your ice cream, and then I’m getting you home and in bed. Got it?” He said, his eyes darting between the road and me for a moment. 

“Yes daddy,” I rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone, taking a picture of me and Blake. I loved to have pictures of Blake and I. It was something small, that meant the world to me. 

“You know, if you ever want to, we can go have all those pictures you take developed.” He said, and I shrugged. 

“My phone I can carry around, a bunch of developed pictures I cannot.” I said, and he sighed and shook his head. He looked like he wanted to rant about something, but he didn’t. I didn’t want to push him, so I just started scrolling through my feed on my schools website. 

The school has a “facebook” kind of website. It’s only for students of the school, and surrounding schools in the area, but it only reaches to the outskirts of the city. If you aren’t in the school, you can’t join it. I found myself using it a tad bit more  now because I wasn’t at school anymore, and I quite enjoyed watching all the drama go down whilst being silent about it. 

It has “friends” on it, and whoever adds the most people over a week gets free Pizza on Friday. The school monitors it closely, because they have a strict no-bullying policy, so everyone is actually nice on it. 

I’ve never seen a bad message on the app, because the school keeps it regulated. And the teachers are added to your ‘friends’ list. It’s an excellent way for the teachers to stay in the loop, and it’s honestly brilliant. I bet if every school had something similar it’d be beneficial. 

I had been actually posting a fair bit lately. I liked to post pictures of Blake and I. Even if it was just doing stuff like laying in bed. And since I’d been sick, that’s about all we’ve done. 

Doctors appointments, and bed. Eating, and bed. Maybe a hand-job here and there, and bed. It’s becoming so typical. I’m so scared he’s going to get bored and tell me that I need to go. I don’t have anywhere to go, and that’s scary.

He pulled up in the parking lot of the Ice Cream parlor and we both got out, and walked to the door. He opened it for me, and we walked in, going up to the counter.

“What would you like, Princess?” He murmured softly, and I shrugged. “Do you like chocolate?” He asked, and I shrugged. “How about a hot fudge sundae?” He asked, and I nodded. 

“Hello! What can I help you with?” A teenage guy asked, his enthusiasm sounding a bit flat. 

“A hot fudge sundae and a vanilla cone.” He said, and the guy looked at him, and then to me. 

“And you?” He drawled a bit lazily. His eyes lingered on me a bit as if he was trying to figure me out. 

“U-um, c-can I get sprinkles? On the sundae?” I asked shyly, and Blake nodded. 

“And sprinkles on the sundae.” He said, and the guy looked a bit shocked. I blushed and bit my lip. He nodded and got to work on our ice creams. He got the job done rather quickly, and came back down, handing me the sundae and Blake the vanilla cone.

“I can’t tell, are you a guy?” The guy asked, and licked his lips. I blushed and looked over at Blake for assistance. 

“He’s a guy.” Blake said, and I nodded, looking over at him and shifting a bit closer.

“Alright.” He said, and took the money for our ice creams. Blake started out of the store, me trailing behind him like a lost puppy. Blake walked us across the street to the little park and sat down on the table, putting his feet up on the bench of the picnic table. 

I sat down between his legs on the bench and opened my ice cream, starting to eat it with my spoon carefully. I started eating my ice cream, taking my sweet time with it. After a couple minutes I pulled out my cell phone and sat it beside me. 

Blake smiled and leaned down, his cool breath tracing my skin lightly as he spoke. “You look positively gorgeous.” I found myself giggling slightly, and I went to put another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth and missed, it going mainly on my top lip instead. 

Blake laughed, and I giggled, the spoon kind of dangling in front of me as I we both laugh. And then I heard a click, the sound of a camera clicking and my head snapped around to see Blake’s friend Chance. I jumped, and Blake shook his head. 

“Hey, man. I didn’t know you guys were still in town.” Blake said, and he shrugged. 

“Nik has vacation days, and I wanted to stay a bit longer. I am still hoping for that dinner date with you and Ash before we leave.” He said, and I bit my lip and giggled softly. 

“Sorry about that, I didn’t feel well.” I told him softly and he waved it off. 

“It’s no big deal. We’ll get to it sometime. I am going to have to send you this picture Ash, it’s really good.” Chance said, and I nodded eagerly. 

“If you send it to him and I, I’ll have it developed. I know that is an ancient term to you kiddos, but I like to have pictures actually sitting around the house.” Blake said, and Chance nodded. 

“Alright! We’ll you guys enjoy yourself, I’m gonna go get back to the hotel.” Chance said, and Blake nodded, smiling a bit. “Alright, well I’ll send that to you before I head home.” He said, and Blake nodded. Once he walked away, Black tipped my face up to his, leaning down and kissing me softly. I giggled, feeling his tongue trance my top lip, making me blush. I started eating my ice cream as he pulled away. I was really excited to see what the picture that Chance had taken looked like. 

I forced that to the back of my head and focused on one thing: Blake, and spending time with him. It was amazing to be alone with him… in public. It felt amazing to have him with me, to be ‘on a date’ with him, even if that’s not how he intended it. It made me happy. 

With my upcoming surgery, I needed all the happiness I could get. I was anxious to get it over with, but also, nervous because it was getting closer. 

This moment, though, this is where I want to be. When I’m being put under when they go to do the operation, I wanted to have this memory right here as my last thought. 

Because, in this moment, I felt a mirage of emotions, happiness, fear, trepidation, dread, excitement, and more, all jumbled into one thing. A couple weeks from now, I’ll be able to do this exact same thing, only so much better because I will have this behind me. 

I will be better, feel better, and I will be able to get Blake to let loose a bit and maybe play with me or something. Maybe he’ll calm down a bit and enjoy something for a change. Because lately he’s been all too stressed out over my health and I’m worried about it.

I’m worried about him  more so than I. I know know that I can make it through this as long as he’s beside me. But what if Blake is too stressed out over me, and he gets sick himself? What if he isn’t happy? What if… oh jesus what if he wants to get rid of me? 

I tried to force that thought away too, but I couldn’t help it. It came back. 

What if he doesn’t want me anymore?

32. яєα¢тισи

A S H T O N

The sunlight is fleeing, leaving me with nothing but the darkness of my own mind. It seems rather determined to drown me this time. Is all of this just a reaction to fear or is it something more solidified?

The light in the room was almost sickening as I woke up to light streaming in the windows. I wasn’t certain on why Blake would have opened the blinds, but I really didn’t like it. It made my stomach feel slightly sick. I glanced over and saw that only a corner of the blind was open, and could have easily been accidentally knocked open. I groaned and rolled over onto the pillow beside me… where Blake normally is. I sighed and shook my head, feeling around the bed. Whenever Blake wasn’t here when I woke up there was usually a note. 

I found it rather easily considering that he always puts it on his pillow. I picked up the note and squinted to read it. Though there was light, it wasn’t really enough to do anything other than aggravate my head and leave me feeling nauseous, so it made it difficult to read the letter. 

Princess, 

I’m sorry you had to wake up alone today, I tried to get out of working but with how little I actually work anyway I can’t complain too much. I had to go in and get some things settled with a couple of workers. Apparently I’m the only one competent enough to handle getting something done around there. 

I trust that you’ll take your pills like a good boy, and try to get some studying done. I realize how hard it is to focus on it with everything so up in the air however I don’t want you to fall behind. If you get hungry, there is some soup in the crock-pot. Be careful, it’s hot so don’t burn yourself. 

I love you, be good. I will be home around five, so don’t get into too much trouble. 

Blake

I sat up and walked over to the blind and pulled it shut, successfully making the room blanketed in darkness. I walked into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet, picking around until I found my medicine. I took a second to read the label on them, and then shook my head. Who gives a fuck, anyway? I took out two of the pills and put the bottle back, then walked down to the kitchen and got a glass. 

My head screamed in pain from the light around me, and I hurriedly started pouring some flavored water in my glass, taking one of the pills into my mouth and gulping down some of the water, successfully taking it. I did the same with the second, and looked over at the crock-pot. I decided I’d put off eating until the medicine had kicked in a bit and knocked a bit of the nausea out of the way. I walked back up to the bedroom, one hand gripping the banister on the stairs, the other gripping my glass of water. 

I didn’t want to sulk because Blake wasn’t here, I knew he had to work sometimes and there was nothing that I could do about it, but I felt needy because he wasn’t there. Something about being alone in this big house made everything seem worse. 

I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted him with me all the time. I’m scared all the time and I feel better when he’s with me. I feel safe when he’s holding me. I miss him so much. I sighed deeply and grabbed one of his shirts out of the closet, slipping it on after taking my clothes off and slid back into bed where he’d usually be laying. 

I could imagine that things between us had become pretty boring. We rarely got to do anything, sex was a distant promise, and talking was hard to do when you feel like when you open your mouth you’re going to vomit. I mean I guess on a scale from one to ten, one being the worst and ten being the best, our relationship was probably about a four in his eyes. I can’t do what he wanted me for anymore. Not until I have surgery and recover. This isn’t fair to Blake. He wanted me for sex. There was no other purpose of me in his life… except for inconveniences.

Since I met him, I’d probably be his biggest inconvenience. He hadn’t asked for me to hit on him, he didn’t know if he fucked me he’d be stuck with me. He didn’t know when we started “dating” I’d end up living with him before a second date. It wasn’t right that I’d brought him into this with my parents. It never was his problem to begin with and I made it his problem by bugging him and making him take care of me.

I sighed and hugged the pillow into my arms and buried my face in the pillow. I hate being sick. Why couldn’t I just be typical old Ashton? Why’d I have to go and get beat up and have head injury? Why didn’t I press charges? Why didn’t I think about this before I came out to my dad? I knew he didn’t like gay people. I should’ve known better. But I didn’t.

I hoped that he would accept me. I hoped that he’d realize that it hurt me for him to talk about gay people the way he did. I hoped that he wouldn’t care who I loved, or how I lived as long as I was happy. Perhaps that was my childishness convincing me of something that couldn’t possibly be true. Life doesn’t work the way that movies and books do. In a book a gay guy comes out and his parents are super supportive and proud. My dad kicked my ass because of it. I sighed deeply and looked down at the sheets.

Blake.

God, I bet he thinks I’m crazy. I came into his life and made this huge mess and now he’s stuck acting like he cares. He could hardly throw me out into the streets and I mean, he knows that if I went to my parents they’d just beat me up again. I couldn’t help but feel like as soon as I was better, he’d want me to leave. I hated that thought more than anything in the world.

I started feeling a bit drowsy and smiled a bit. Finally my brain will stop for a moment.

-   -   -

I woke up when I felt Blake shift me over in bed and I slipped my eyes open to look at him. I glanced over at the clock and then back to Blake. “You’re late.” I said without looking at him. He sighed deeply and looked down at me.

“I’m sorry princess, I was stuck in a meeting. The assholes couldn’t fucking figure out what the hell they were doing.” He said, and

I flinched. In a meeting… I had heard that before from my dad. Is that what this is going to be? Me left alone while he’s out having sex? Hanging out in bars I’m not even old enough to enter?

I stood up and walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet, fishing out my pills taking out two and popping them into my mouth. I cupped some water in my hand, drank it quickly and swallowed the pills down in one swig. I looked out at Blake who was laying in bed looking tired. Usually I’d try to have sex with him. He’d tell me no. And I’d feel like shit because he isn’t getting what he wants out of our relationship. There was nothing I could do about that though. That was the problem.

I could do nothing about what I was seeing happen. My father had uttered those very words to my mother so many times it almost made me sick at my stomach. I couldn’t have imagined the amount of shame it felt when I realized that there was nothing I could do but let the man I loved have sex with someone else because I couldn’t give him what he really wanted. A really good submissive.

I sighed and looked down at the counter, feeling a bit dizzy. It wasn’t my headache that was causing it. I felt like the medicine was kicking in a bit, and I vaguely found myself wondering how long I had been standing there for. It wasn’t too long, I wouldn’t think.

Blake would have been to look for me if it had of been too long. But what if he didn’t care anymore? I couldn’t help but feel a bit upset by the thought of him not caring anymore. I wouldn’t really blame him, though. He was so amazing and look at me? I am nothing but a child to him. Someone he has to baby-sit and make sure I do the right thing.

He didn’t get a lover, a submissive… he got a child. I am a child. The pain in the ass child that can never do anything right and that causes nothing but trouble but yet he’s stuck with me because he knows that no one else will ever take me off of his hands. He’s stuck with me.

I felt like crying. The thought that he’d rather live without me was heartbreaking and there was nothing in my head that could stop all the painful thoughts that were starting to swarm me. I glanced back up at the bottle and bit my lip. I started reaching for it, but before I grabbed it, Blake came up behind me and put his hands on my hips.

“Is something wrong, princess?” Blake asked me softly, his lips trailing kisses down my neck. I didn’t take my eyes off of the pill bottle on the cabinet still. “I know I said I’d be back sooner, but I got really busy. I know that isn’t an excuse, but I did try to call you a couple times.” He said, and I shrugged.

“I’m a big boy now.” I said. I hadn’t meant for the words to be passive aggressive, or sarcastic at all for that matter, but that’s exactly how it’d sounded to myself and I could only imagine how it sounded to Blake. Oh great, now I’m a fucking sarcastic bitch, too. I’m not just a pain in the ass, defective teenager anymore, I’m also a sarcastic bitch.

“Did you take your pills?” He asked instead of getting on to me and I sighed. He would have gotten onto any other submissive that’d sassed him. That made me feel terrible and I shook my head in worry. I can’t believe that I’m such a burden on him. Now he’s even having to change how he uses me as a sub.

Not that I’m useful or helpful in any way. He just can’t get off to me anymore. I bet that’s probably why he went out and got laid tonight. He couldn’t get some from me and he’s too nice to even asked about having someone on the side. That’s why he’d hide it from me. He’s going to wait until I am better and then drop some pretty brunette twink on me.

“No.” I lied softly. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to think about the possibilities of where he was most of the night. I just wanted to feel better. He took out the pills and put two into my hand and I tossed them around a bit before I finally popped them into my mouth and got some more water.

On one hand, I’d lied to him about something and though I knew it was wrong. Oh god is it wrong, and I know it. But they make everything disappear and there was nothing in my mind that didn’t want that to be exactly what happened. I wanted everything to just go away.

The insecurities, the fears, the pain… everything.

I hate who I am turning into. I lied to Blake. I don’t trust Blake. I feel unsafe everywhere I am if he’s not there, but yet when he is there I feel like he’s lying to me. What am I doing to myself? I sighed and let him lead me back over to the bed where he laid me down and pulled me close, whispering soft words of suppose to be comfort.

It could’ve worked on me. Hell, I think it did work on me.

But the darkness was beginning to cover everything and my heart wasn’t racing and my thoughts weren’t drowning me. I was just okay in that moment. So, to be fair I couldn’t really explain what was going on, just that I felt like I was able to swim the Panama Canal later today and be just fine.

It was such a relief to just be numb for a bit.

33. єχємρℓιfι¢αтισи

I need you. I need all of you. I need you to take care of me, to tell me what I mean to you. I just need your love, your care. I have been low, please, just make me feel loved.

A S H T O N

I woke up to a weight on my lower body, holding me down. A trail of kisses going down my cheek to my neck, hot warm breath ghosting over my skin, a moan trailing out of my lips without my consent. He pulled away from my neck and my eyes popped open, and I looked over Blake, who was holding himself over me. He didn’t speak, just glanced down at me, his eyes deep and heated. It was only a moment before he ran his nose along my jawline, his eyelashes tickling my cheek. I giggled softly, wrapping my arms around his neck. I hadn’t been this happy in a long time.

“Good morning beautiful.” Blake said softly, his voice vibrating in his chest making me tremble a slight bit. He was so strong, and the way his voice caressed the word beautiful it made me absolutely shake inside.

“Morning daddy.” I said softly, sighing and feeling Blake shift a bit, resting on his side, still holding himself above me, but taking the pressure off my legs. I was a tad bit glad he moved because my legs were going to sleep, but I wasn’t about to complain when he hadn’t been touching me this was before and I wasn’t going to let him stop yet.

“How did you sleep, princess?” He asked me, putting his hand on my stomach. It made me smile and I couldn’t help but giggle slightly because I felt like he loved me again. “I take that as good, then?” He asked and I nodded.

Fairly enough, I hadn’t had a bad dream last night, and I’d slept decently. I was just in a good mood because I woke up to him being sweet and caring. I’d missed the little things like this and I wasn’t entirely sure why they’d ended. Sure they were minorly sexual, but they weren’t going to cause me to die. I wasn’t sure exactly why he felt like he had to pull away from me, but he did. I sighed deeply and looked up at him, unable to control my smiling.

I bet I look like a crazy person, just laying here smiling like I’d gotten something I’d been waiting for forever or something. I wasn’t sure why it was that I felt like this, just that it was working for me today and there was nothing other than that. I was just glad that I had my daddy back, even if it didn’t last long.

“Ash is something wrong?” Blake asked softly, putting his hand on my side and pulling me close to him.

“No, everything is perfect.” I muttered softly, putting my hand on my face, covering my eyes. My head still hurt, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been. I guess I just wasn’t focusing on it, as opposed to what I was doing, which was focusing in on my head instead of anything else. There was something comforting about knowing if I didn’t focus on my head it wouldn’t be quite as bad as it usually was, at least for a moment or two.

“Ash I’ve been watching you. I know something is up. I’m not stupid.” Blake said, sitting up and I sighed softly. I missed his touch as soon as he pulled away from me. “I want you to tell me whats been bothering you.”

“I just overall have felt like shit.” I said, and he rolled his eyes.

“I know that, it was apparent. However, if you tell me what’s wrong then I may can help you get past it. But if you don’t, then it’s not going to get resolved.” He said and I sighed childishly.

I was going to handle it maturely, and then my mind started racing, telling me that he couldn’t possibly love me. If he did then he wouldn’t be having sex with other people and claiming he had been in meetings. But then, had he ever promised to be mine? I knew I was his, he made it a habit when we were having sex that I was. And even if he hadn’t made me be his, I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else. All the sudden, I felt a wave of tears wash over me, and I was crying. I was so sad because I felt like he didn’t love me the way I loved him.

“Ash, Ash, baby…” He said, scooting forward and wrapping his arms around me, holding me to his chest. I sank into the feeling, letting Blake sink into me. He doesn’t even call me Trouble anymore. He doesn’t love me anymore.

“Daddy, you don’t love me anymore.” I suddenly cried, my tears increasing. It suddenly just hit me, all of the emotion and pain. I wasn’t sure if my headache was due to my illness or crying like a five year old and embarrassing myself. I just felt so much pain. It was concentrated from everything I’d been holding in and pretending wasn’t there, mixed with the pain that I felt in that moment and it was earth shattering.

“Sweetheart, what made you think that?” Blake asked, sounding generally confused. I sniffled, and stuck my thumb in my mouth, biting on the nail. I shrugged a little bit and felt another wave of tears wash over me. “You have the craziest ideas.” Blake sighed. He hugged me to his chest, running a hand down my back, pressing soft little kisses on my head. He was murmuring sweet nothings in my ears, telling me everything was alright, that daddy was there. And it made me feel better.

Slowly but surely, I felt myself calming down some, and so did Blake. Once I was done crying, I really felt terrible for a different reason. You would think that if someone was miserable enough to cry, they probably wouldn’t need to be punished for crying… well the headache and runny nose after an intense crying session was pain .

I pulled away from him, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, resting my chin on my knees. “Sorry.” I murmured, looking away from him. I felt so embarrassed. He never loved me to begin with, but he really seemed to care and that was enough for me. Now, I just feel like he’s stuck with me.

“Princess you have nothing to apologize for.” Blake whispered softly, leaning back against the headboard of the bed and sighing softly. “This is my fault. I knew you were not acting right, but then, you’re sick and I thought it was related to that.”

“Some was.” I muttered, pressing my eyes into my knees for a moment, relieving some of the pain from my crying-fest headache. “Besides, I’m not your son. You don’t have to take care of me, and I’m not your boyfriend so you don’t really have to take my feelings into account.” He raised an eyebrow at me, looking confused.

“We’re not boyfriends? In what aspect?” He asked.

“Like, you’re not my boyfriend. I’m with you, but you’re not with me. Does that make sense?” I asked, and his eyebrow raised a bit more.

“Ash,” He said carefully, looking at me with a weird expression in his eyes. “Do you understand the basis of a Dom/sub relationship is?” He asked, and I shrugged. “Relationship. What are boyfriends, girlfriends, boyfriends and girlfriends? They are in relationships.”

“Daddy…” I whispered softly. “Why haven’t you wanted to have sex with me…?” I asked him softly.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Ash. I know you don’t see the gravity of what’s wrong but I do. My lust for you isn’t worth hurting you and never getting to hold you again.” He said softly. I bit my lip softly.

“It hurt me that you didn’t even seem to want me anymore.” I said childishly. He raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. As seriously as I had meant it, it joyed me to know that he thought it was cute.

“Ash I never stopped wanting you.” He said softly, leaning forward and putting a hand on my cheek. “I always wanted to push into you, wrap my hand around your neck, feel your body tensing underneath mine,” He trailed off, making my cheeks go red as my mind put pictures of this in my head.

“Then why couldn’t you?” I asked.

“Because Ash, things too rough will hurt you, baby.” He said, and I sighed softly. “I know you want it, and so do I. Your surgery is coming up, and you’ll be back to normal after a little bit.” He said, and I nodded. A sudden shock of pain seized through my head, and I winced. “Time for your medicine baby?” He asked me, and I nodded.

“I can get them, daddy.” I said. He shook his head.

“It’s fine princess. I’ m going to take care of you.” He said, and I nodded. He stood and walked into the bathroom, grabbing my medicine and bringing me a glass of water. I had been keeping the glass in the bathroom because of the frequency of doses. It was a pain in the ass to walk back and forth to the kitchen every single time you had to take a pill. It was a pain in the ass. I got tired of it, so I just left the glass in there. When Blake asked me about it I had explained that it was a difficult walk, what with the light in the living room area and I just didn’t feel like doing that at all. He said it was fine as long as I washed the glass out and didn’t let water stagnate in the glass.

I was definitely not going to let the water stagnate, but I probably wouldn’t have washed it out if Blake hadn’t told me to. I mean, I never even thought that was a thing. Water isn’t dirty. Why would you wash a glass you drink water out of? But then, you’d always wash the glass anyway because of germs but if you’re only taking one sip of water it’s not like you’re actually drinking it… why am I thinking about this? I shook my head and watched as Blake walked out into the bedroom with my pills and my water. I took the pills and sighed deeply.

“Daddy, will you lay with me?” I asked him softly, and he nodded, taking off his pants and throwing his shirt in a pile. He crawled into the bed beside me and I let him hold me, glad that he wanted to this time. I had missed this. I feel like I’m flying.

“Of course baby.” He said, and I giggled softly and laid my head on his shoulder, letting his warmth soak into me. I hate being cold, and recently, more often than not I was cold. I just hadn’t felt good since I had gotten sick and I hated it.

“Thank you.” I muttered softly, feeling him wrap his arms around my body, his warmth caressing every inch of my body. It felt amazing to have his bare skin against mine again. I missed it. His skin was so warm and soft yet hard at the same time. He was so… perfect. So masculine and it was beautiful. Too beautiful. I loved it. So much.

“For what?” He asked me as if it wasn’t obvious.

“For putting up with me. Taking care of me. I know that I’m a pain in the ass. I whine too much, and I make messes and don’t clean them up, and I drag my feet in studying and you hate that. I know that you sometimes even bathe me. I am a burden on you, most of the time. At least that is what I feel like.” I said, and he sighed deeply.

“Princess have you ever heard of DDLG or B?” he asked me, and I shook my head. “It’s another branch of kink. Kind of on the less sexual end of the spectrum.” He said, and I nodded, looking up at him confused. “It stands for Daddy Dom Little Girl, but in this case it’d be boy. I’m a daddy. I take care of my subs.” He said.

“Am I your little girl?” I asked softly, and he smirked a bit.

“Baby, you could be my little girl or little boy and I wouldn’t care. I just want my little you.” His words made my heart race and my cheeks fill with color. I felt so good hearing that.

“So, what do little girls do?” I asked.

“I think when you are recovering from your surgery, I’ll have you do a little research. Until then, it’ll just be whatever you think it is. I don’t mind you not being a little if you’re worried about that.” He said.

“No, I just don’t… am I a little?” I asked, and he shrugged a bit, and kissed my forehead softly, making me giggle and blush.

“I don’t know, but after you do your research and you think about it, we’ll know. Won’t we?” He asked, and I nodded. “Okay, then. Now, princess I want you to lay down and get some sleep. Your surgery is in a few days and I want you to feel as good as possible when you go in for surgery.” He said, and I sighed and rolled my eyes. I felt like that was a bit extreme to start resting three days early, but I wasn’t about to argue with Blake.

He tended to know what he was talking about anyway, and it was good. I sighed softly and rested my head down on his arm again, this time with my back to him, my arms wrapped around his arm, holding him to me as close as I physically could. I loved this. Just feeling him.

I still had a few worries, and talking about my fears with our lack of sex hadn’t made them completely vanish at least I could rationally think about where Blake was coming from and realize that it’s just a few more weeks and I’d be back to being bent over his knee, or the bed, and being fucked. I would go back to being his little trouble.

I was ready to be myself again. If he still doesn’t want to have sex after I heal, then we’ll be in trouble but until then, I won’t worry about him not wanting to have sex with me. I’ll just treat it like we actually can’t until after I heal up. But after I’m healed and healthy and he doesn’t want to, I can’t justify that by him just looking out for my well-being.

I felt myself start to drift off to sleep and I smiled softly, kissing Blake’s arm softly, letting it hold me down where I belonged happily. I missed this. I missed him. Three more days and the light will be almost in reach. I couldn’t wait.

I was terrified but I couldn’t wait. Right now, I’m too positive to even think about the things that could happen that would be less than ideal. I don’t want to be thinking about sad, sucky things that will ruin my mood. I want to be in a good mood.

So I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind, focusing on the positive things that I had acquired within the last hour or so. I couldn’t believe the level of relief I felt when I found out that Blake at least cared a lot about me romantically.

I was just going to let myself be happy with how warm and safe I felt in his arms. At least it wasn’t something miserable and lonely, painful. I felt okay, and that was different from how I’ve been feeling. I was glad to just have a release from the pain I felt about Blake.

At least I knew that he was still mine.

A/n: So I know it’s been a while since I managed to upload. A lot has happened. However, I’m back and writing. My upload schedule will be increasing soon, I promise. I’ve just not been able to find time to write without a distraction. I believe I’ve settled that, though, and now I should be good!

A slightly longer chapter than usual. And happier. Do you guys want the surgery to be from Ashes P.O.V or Blakes? I’d like opinions.

Also… thank you for sticking around. I appreciate it. I know it’s crappy when someone doesn’t update a story and you’re waiting forever for the update.

~Anon.

34. нσѕριтαℓιzαтισи

I never want you to hurt, or feel any kind of pain. I want to protect you from everything and everyone. I just wish there was some way that I could keep you from being in a lot of pain. I wish there was something I could do to make everything go away .

B L A K E

I was up bright and early getting everything ready for Ashton’s surgery this morning. I hadn’t really slept any last night because I’d been worried all night about Ashton. His surgery was at ten this morning and there was a lot of things that weren’t exactly settled with me. I couldn’t help but worry and I was obsessively worrying over everything.

I knew that there was a lot of emotions running through Ashton last night and that meant that there was a lot of emotions that were going to run through him when I finally wake him up. I had eaten earlier so that he wouldn’t have to watch me eat and I’m waiting until it’s just about time to leave to wake him up. I didn’t mind getting everything together for him so that he would get a little extra sleep.

I’d gotten him to bed by midnight last night. He’d taken his medication at eleven and he’d been restless, barely able to relax. He had started crying and cried himself to sleep last night. It didn’t even matter that I told him that it was going to be okay. I’d been relieved when he’d finally fallen asleep because it hurt me to see him hurting. I couldn’t keep from worrying that he was going to be an emotional wreck all day and that he was going to stress himself out over everything that had already happened. I sighed deeply.

His father is lucky that I don’t kill him. Ashton didn’t deserve this. He had been so hurt and scared by his father that he jumped every time someone knocked on the door. He couldn’t really be outside much anymore because he was afraid he would see his dad and he would confront him. Ashton had calmed down some but it was still really hard on him.

His mother hadn’t helped either, because she had just let what happened happen without any repercussions to the bastard. I’d barely been able to hold myself back when he’d knocked on my door wanting Ashton. I couldn’t imagine watching someone beat my child, especially my husband. I would never let anything happen to my child. Doesn’t she have any sense of maternal instinct? Any at all?

I shook my head and looked at the clock. We have to be at the hospital at seven. It was about to be six fifteen now so I needed to wake up Ashton. I stood up and walked to the bedroom, crawling into the bed beside him and I wrapped my arms around him. I kissed his head and watched as he cuddled up to my side and rested his head on my chest. I couldn’t help but smile when he did that and it was adorable.

“Princess,” I murmured softly into his ear and he didn’t even move. I sighed and kissed his cheek. “Baby, it’s time to wake up.” I said, and shook him lightly. He stirred a bit and shook his head.

“Wake up, princess.” I murmured softly, trailing small kisses down his cheek and neck, being gentle to keep from hurting Ashton. I hadn’t been excited for this morning to come. In fact, I hadn’t even slept yet. I had just been awake all night worrying. Not that I’d let Ashton see that. He needs me to be strong and fearless right now.

I knew that there was a lot of things that could go wrong and I was mentally preparing myself for anything that could go wrong. Or, him freaking out and refusing the surgery at the last minute. I knew that this surgery could ultimately save his life, but what if he was too scared to realize that? I couldn’t help but be nervous about everything.

“I don’t wanna.” He whined and tried to roll away from me. I shook my head and kissed his neck again.

“Come on, baby.” I said and he growled quietly and shook his head again. “I know you don’t want to but it’s needful. Wake up, sweets. Please?” I asked sweetly, pressing a sweet kiss into his neck. He groaned tiredly.

“It’s so early!” He complained, pushing me off of him. “I don’t wanna. I’m still tired. Daddy do I have to?” I’m not sure if it was the way he said it, or how utterly adorable he looked with his long hair in a messed up bun and a rumpled look on his face, but I couldn’t help but start laughing just the slightest amount. He huffed a bit and rolled his eyes, pushing the covers down and shaking his head.

“Good morning.” I said softly, resting my weight back on my hand a bit. “Did you get some rest, princess?” I asked him and he shrugged a bit and yawned.

“I’m still really tired. Is it too late to cancel the surgery?” He asked, and I shook my head and he sighed deeply.

“You know you can’t. Get up. Let’s get you ready to go. I’ve already packed your clothes and stuff so you have nothing to worry about in that regard.” I said and he shrugged a bit unemotionally.

“Are you sure that I can’t just push it off for a little while? I’ve lived eighteen years with it. What’s another few months?” He asked timidly, standing up. My eyes traced up and down his body.

I couldn’t help but admire the way the curve of his slim hip looked as he poked his side out while he was stretching. The shirt he was wearing pulled up in the front a bit and I caught a glimpse of pale, lithe stomach. I couldn’t help but watch him with a bit of a smirk, knowing that he was probably doing it on purpose.

“No, you can’t. I know this is scary for you but it is a necessity. I’m not going to leave your side for one minute. However, you really need to get moving. So, lets go. Get that cute little butt moving.” I said teasingly, standing up. I couldn’t help but notice that his eyes were moving over me as I walked up to him. I reached my hand up and rested my hand on the side of his neck, my fingers disappearing into his silky blonde locks. His bright green eyes looked up into mine and I found myself swimming in them accidentally. I leaned down and kissed him softly, his lips barely brushing against mine.

I couldn’t help but smile as I pulled away and looked down at him. He was blushing a bit, the colour sticking to his cheeks in an amazingly beautiful way. I loved to see him blush, there was something so adorable about the fact that I could reduce him to a tomato with nothing more than a simple brush of lips. I found it endearing.

“Fine. But I totally get ice cream after this.” He said, his tone a tad bit sassy. I raised an eyebrow and shrugged. I didn’t mind at all, I found it adorable when he got a little sassy. It was an opportunity to punish him and I never really had yet. I couldn’t think of anything more attractive than Ashton, bent down over the edge of the bed, ropes tied around his arms, his beautiful pale ass on display for me. I can just see the bright redness of his ass, where he’d been paddled.

I shook my head and sighed deeply. Calm down. Soon enough. I calmed myself, running my fingers through my hair. I found myself watching as he stripped out of his clothes and shook my head again.

I couldn’t continue watching if I wanted to get him there on time. I’d have to go into the bathroom and jack off before we went and that is all that I need to do. Actually, that seemed like an excellent idea, given that our sex lives have died down quite a bit since all of this began.

I knew that it was my fault. I couldn’t touch him without worrying about breaking him. It was stupid but I could just see him being greatly injured. I knew that there was a chance if I was too rough with him, it’d be bad. I knew that he was very, very fragile at the moment and while I didn’t mind it, it made me struggle to be able to have sex with him.

Generally speaking, I wouldn’t worry too much about it but I didn’t want to take a single chance of hurting Ashton. If it was anyone else, I probably wouldn’t be bothered by it. At least not enough to hold back from having sex. However, Ashton was special enough to me that I could put my selfish, human desires aside and look at what was probably best for him. I knew that sex would put a whole lot of pressure on certain parts of the body and while that is usually okay on a healthy person, someone who is sick like him needs to be stable. After his surgery, and he’s all healed up, everything will be okay. I just have to ride it out until then.

Chance had made a lot of sense to me that night, and while I hated it, he was right. I was different since I met Ashton. While he meant it in a negative way, I saw it more in a positive way. I had grown to genuinely care for, and even… love him. I’d sworn off love a long time ago.

But then came daring little Ashton, literally handing me his ass with a basket of candles and soaps.

I should’ve known that he’d be trouble for me. I had wanted a long term submissive, and I wouldn’t have been looking for anyone on the side. But, I wasn’t looking for love. I was looking for a mutually beneficial arrangement and then Ashton and his pretty green eyes captured me.

I took a chance to glance over at Ashton quickly before I walked out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen. While a quick jack off session would release some tension, it wouldn’t be time affective and I needed to have him there as soon as possible. I knew that there was a lot of things the doctor was going to want to talk about and we’d need all the time in the world to discuss this procedure with him.

A few minutes later, Ashton came walking down the stairs, blue jean shorts and a loose fitting pink tee that he’d acquired in one of the many shopping trips we’d taken together. I loved to see him wearing things that I’d bought him. I couldn’t really explain why, to be honest. I guess it was just the daddy in me, taking over.

“Is it time to go yet?” He asked.

“In a couple minutes. Would you like some water or Gatorade?” I asked him and he shrugged.

“Water sounds good.” He said, and I nodded. I got him a glass and filled it with ice. I opened the fridge and hunted down the brita water-jug that I’d bought. It was a pretty penny, but the water that came out of it tasted so amazing that it was honestly worth it.

“Here you go.” I said, picking up my coffee cup and taking the lid off of it. I filled it back up with coffee and poured some creamer into it, then I put the lid back on.

“Ooh, can I have some?” he asked me. I shook my head.

“Only clear liquids, remember? Besides, all you need is coffee. You’ll be bouncing all over the hospital room and showing the doctor your cute little ass. I really don’t think you want me to kill the doctor for checking you out, right?” I asked teasingly and he giggled a bit.

“I’m not gonna lie, that would be pretty hot.” He said, raising an eyebrow before he sat his glass down in the sink and turning around, grabbing his phone off the counter and walking out of the kitchen. I just was left standing there, momentarily shocked at his bold statement. I couldn’t help but just start laughing as I grabbed my keys off of the counter and then my coffee, before I walked out to the car to get on our way.

•    +     -     +     -     +     -
  

It took a lot longer to just get back into the pre-operation room than I had initially thought. It was ten forty before they’d even taken us back and gotten him ready to go in. I hadn’t expected it to be that long, but I guess sometimes it takes a while to clean the rooms or get one opened.

The doctor that Ashton and I had picked out was Galvin Parker. He’d been a surgeon for years and I had read many, many patients had come out of their surgery with nothing but a mere memory after they healed up. There wasn’t even a scar left.

I knew that I wanted the best for Ashton, even if it meant dipping into my own pockets to get that for him. I knew that there was a lot of things going on in his head and I wanted him to at least know there was someone with some skill taking care of something so horrific and nerve-wrecking. I was even nervous and it wasn’t me having the surgery. I was worried out of my mind about him.

Though I knew that there was probably going to be nothing go wrong but I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering away from me and imagining the worst case scenarios. Ashton was already prepared. All we were waiting on was the surgeon to come in and explain exactly what was going to go on during the surgery.

I wanted to know that there was no chance that anything could happen but I knew that there was always a little bit of a chance and that caused me to be even more stressed. I was trying to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. So far, it hadn’t really eased any of my worry or fears. In fact, thinking about the possibility of ‘worst case scenarios’ was only making things worse. I wasn’t calming down about it.

I don’t really want to think about anything happening but at the same time, I need to, don’t I? I need to prepare for something to happen, don’t I? What if I end up losing him?

I chanced a glance over at Ashton and sighed. He looked fine, and that was good, right? It meant that he was okay.

A knock on the door frightened him, and I turned to look at the person waling in. The doctor came in and sat down on a stool, his eyes looking over Ashton. “So, I came in because I wanted to touch base before I did the surgery. Do you guys have any questions?” he asked.

“I was just wondering, how long is the recovery time?” Ashton asked timidly, and the doctor smiled at him, showing him he didn’t need to be worried.

“It can take anywhere from one to two weeks, depending on your natural healing time. Overall, it also depends on how smoothly it goes in the surgery.” He said, and Ashton nodded.

“Is he going to be on pain medications for the entire time?” I asked him and he shook his head.

“For the first little bit, yes. After about a week, though, you’ll want to change it out to ibuprofen and Tylenol. I’d say wait until the incision is completely gone, or nothing but a scar, before you use ibuprofen due to its thinning of the blood. He hasn’t had any ibuprofen in the past seventy-two hours, correct?” he asked, and I nodded.

“He’s been taking the prescription that the doctor gave him. Not anything over the counter.” I said, and he nodded.

“Is the medication being closely monitored?” He asked, and I nodded. “Alright. Just keep away from ibuprofen, like I said. Do you have any other questions that I can answer?” he asked.

“What all is going to take place during the surgery?” I asked him.

“The procedure usually lasts about ninety minutes. He’ll be under anesthesia, so he won’t know what is going on. A nurse will come in, shave the hair behind his ear. That’ll be where we place the catheters.” He said, and I nodded. “I’ll make a small incision behind his ear, and drill a small hole in the back of his skull. Then, I’ll thread one catheter into the brain through the hole. The other catheter will be placed behind his ear, with a small pump connecting the two.” He explained.

“What will all of that do?” I asked him.

“The catheter will be thin and small, but it’ll travel down the chest and abdomen where it will allow the excess CSF to drain into his abdominal cavity where his body will absorb it.” He said, and I nodded.

“He’ll be hospitalized, won’t he?” I asked.

“Yes, he will be. He should be able to leave within a week. I have to make sure that the shunt is working properly.” He said, and I nodded.

“Is there anything that I need to look out for once he is out of the hospital?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Fever, headache, abdominal pain, fatigue, a spike in blood pressure, or having the same symptoms that were present when the shunt is placed. It can indicate an infection or a malfunction of the shunt. Notify me immediately if these signs and symptoms develop.” He said, and I nodded.

“Is that all?” I asked.

“I believe so.” He said, and I nodded. “Alright, so I’m going to let Miss Vera come in and put you under anesthesia and then you’ll be good to go.” He said, and Ashton nodded. He walked over to the door and smiled before walking away. Ashton sighed deeply and looked over at me, his eyes lowered in nervousness.

“Is something wrong?” I asked him. He nodded.

“I’m scared I’m gonna die.” He murmured.

I sighed deeply and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and holding him to my chest. I am too, princess. I am too.

35. ιи∂ємиιfι¢αтισи

I need you to be here with me all night, please don’t leave me alone here.

A S H T O N

When I woke up, things were really blurry and all I could feel was the pressure in my head. It wasn’t pain, not yet, at least. I was sure it would be soon anyway. I could hear my pulse in my ears, and I couldn’t help the slightly nauseous way I felt. I couldn’t help but look up at the ceiling and feel a bit of dread setting in. 

I couldn’t remember exactly what had happened last time I was awake, it was all a little hazy. I remember waking up, Blake pressing kisses to my neck. I remember Blake hugging me and bringing me over to the hospital. But I couldn’t remember anything after they gave me the medicine to make me sleep through the surgery. I don’t even really remember them giving it to me. 

I carefully kept my eyes shut, my head felt heavy, and it was hot. Why is it so hot in the hospital? I was sure that I’d always been cold in the hospital. I groaned, my eyes felt hot, and heavy. I wanted to just crawl into a dark, cold hole and sleep. 

“Ashton?” I heard and I groaned again. Daddy. I wanted to be close to him right now. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, but I couldn’t feel part of my head. It was so foggy I wasn’t even positive that it was Blake at first. I whined, and I heard Blake walking over to the bed. His hand softly traced down my arm and wrapped around my hand. “Daddy’s here, baby boy.” He said softly, and I whimpered.

He leaned down and kissed my head before he sat down beside me. I opened my right eye just a tad so I could glance over and see him, just to let myself know for sure it was him and it was. I could’ve cried when I saw him. I felt so scared and vulnerable right now, all I really wanted to be in his arms where I could hide. I wish I could go home. I hated hospitals so much, and I only hated this more because it was me in the hospital. I just wanted to go home where Blake could hold me. 

Oh god, I thought my headaches hurt. I groaned quietly, and took the pillow the nurse had laid beside me and covered my face with it. When I had my headaches this always helped, at least a little. It provided some kind of comfort, I suppose. 

A knock on the door made me whine again and I finally fully opened my eyes. The room was white with blue stripes, with a painting hanging in the middle of one of them of a monkey. It was really ugly if you ask me, but I guess no one really did, right? I looked over to the door as the nurse walked in. “Hey Ashton! How ya feelin’ buddy?” She asked me, and I raised an eyebrow and winced a little. Why is she treating me like a baby? 

“’M fine…” I stutter out, feeling a bit dizzy now that I’ve finally opened my eyes.

“Good! My names Annison and I’ll be your nurse until seven am.” She said, and I nodded. I didn’t even think about responding to her, but that was okay, because she continued; “I am going to check your vital signs and stuff. How is your pain level?” She asked. I shrugged, and winced at my bad choice of movements. “On a scale from one to ten?” She asked. 

“It’s about a four.” I said, and she nodded, and started checking my pulse. Surely, my heart rate was up at least a little bit.  I guess it’s nothing to really worry about because I’m in the hospital so they are paid to worry about that kind of thing. 

“You can have your next Vicodin in an hour so by the time that the number gets higher, you’ll be able to get your next pill.” She said. “Your dinner will be brought by shortly love. Do you need anything?” She asked. I shook my head and rested back into the bed, closing my eyes again. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone. I just wanted to go back to sleep and I still felt sleepy enough to do so.

I laid there for a few minutes in the silence, and feeling Blake’s hand softly holding my hand. I felt myself lulling off to sleep, grateful I’ll be able to just stop feeling this pain right now. It wasn’t a full pain, so it was hard to even really pinpoint what it was. It was severe enough to make it noticeable and uncomfortable but not severe enough for it to have a certain place that hurt worse than anywhere else. 

-    ^   -

When I woke up next, Blake was waking me up to eat. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been asleep, but it couldn’t have been long because the food that the hospital had brought me was still warm and it looked really good, surprisingly. The chicken strips looked delicious even though they were grilled, and the mac and cheese looked creamy and perfect. The potatoes also looked creamy, buttery and delicious. But I didn’t really feel up to eating it. 

“I’m not hungry,” I muttered stubbornly. Blake smirked a little and just shook his head at me. I closed my eyes and went to try to fall back asleep when Blake put his hand on my thigh and my breath caught at the excitement coursing through my veins. 

“You have to eat before you get your pain medicine, precious. Wake up,” He said, and I groaned softly and opened my eyes, looking over at him, pouting a little bit. I really didn’t want to wake up yet, I still felt pretty tired and groggy. “As soon as you eat, you can go right back to sleep after they give you your pills.” He said, and I nodded my head. 

It made me feel a tad bit better that I wasn’t going to have to stay up for the rest of the night. I looked up at the clock on the wall and saw that it said it was twelve so I knew it had to be at night, and I was glad. That meant that the day of my surgery was finally over and I was happy that it was. It meant that my new life could start now. 

I took a small bite of the potatoes and raised up my nose a bit at the slightly bland taste but I continued eating it even though it wasn’t the best thing that I’d ever eaten. I really just want to get this over so I can get home, and back to my life. 

   “I’m done.” I said, and pushed the tray away from me, laying back down the bed and bringing the blankets up to my neck, snuggling in until the nurse came in with my medicine. I knew it wouldn’t be long so I just rested my eyes and waited on her to come in. I sighed deeply and looked up at the clock. She’s taking so much time. 

I grabbed the remote to the television and turned on the movie that was playing. It was a Spiderman movie, I think, but it didn’t really matter. I just wanted to take my medicine and go to sleep. Why wasn’t the dumb nurse back yet? It shouldn’t take someone a million years to eat something with portions the size that they provide. It’s so tiny it’s not even a serving, I’d say. 

“Is something the matter lovely?” Blake asked me, leaning forward in the chair beside my bed. I just shrugged a small bit, afraid of moving too much so soon after the surgery. “Does your stitches hurt?” He asked.

“It just hurts in general.” I whined, and curled up into a ball as much as I could. I didn’t feel too great. It was taking too damn long. 

Blake pressed the nurse button and I felt a bit of relief wash over me. I couldn’t wait to get back to sleep. It was really tiring. I just wanted to be home with Blake so I could cuddle up to him and get comfortable. I wanted to be able to just get back to how things were before I had all of this going on in the first place. 

The nurse came walking in with my pills and the antibiotic that I had to take in the morning and at night. I hated taking all these pills but until I get better there isn’t too much I can do to stop it or anything. I just have to get through this surgery and get better so that I never have to deal with this bullshit again. I was holding on to faith right now, that soon I’ll be back to normal. I don’t want to lose sight of that this close to the end. 

Once I’m better, I’ll be able to have sex with Blake again. He’ll be able to introduce me to more and more about his lifestyle and his wishes for me and I’ll be able to become what I want to be… his. I wasn’t able to continue training because he couldn’t really do anything to me. I wasn’t doing for him what he wanted me to and I was sad by that. It felt like I was letting him down and I didn’t want to do that. That’s why, when this is all over, I’m going to ask him to speed up my training. It’s been long enough. I’m comfortable with him, I trust him, and I know that he’d never do anything to really hurt me. I just have to let him see that he can let loose some, and enjoy what we’re doing even more. 

The nurse took my vitals, checked my fever, checked the stitches behind my ear, and then she gave me my antibiotic and my pain pill. Once she was done, she patted me on the hand gently and smiled. “You’re doing amazing, honey. Get some sleep.” She said. I smiled a little bit at her and shut my eyes, hoping to get the rest of tonight over with as quickly as possible.

-   ^   -

Six o’clock comes earlier than it really should when you feel people messing with you while you’re trying to sleep. The tale-tell sign of a nurse doing a check-up was the cuff around my arm that squeezed to get your heart rate. It was mildly annoying, and I just whined quietly and tried to wiggle away from them. “Ash, baby, be still.” Blake chided and I immediately stilled, a little huffy but not wanting to be disobedient either. 

There’s a time and a place for disobedience, here wasn’t it. Not when I was already a pain in the ass to him like I am. I sighed and kept my eyes closed, stubbornly holding onto all the little strings of sleep as hard as I could. It still hurt, bad. I was numb, where they’d done everything and I knew that I shouldn’t really feel it, but I did. It was an interesting sensation, just behind my ear. A slightly recurring pain that was sharp, but only when I focused hard on it. 

“How is he doing?” The nursed asked softly. 

“He’s being so strong. Hasn’t complained at all, really. He’s been really cooperative, even when he’s asleep.” Blake said, his voice sounding proud. I almost smiled, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to let them know that I was awake.

“I’m glad.  He’s seeming to heal pretty fast, as well.” She said, as she pressed the larger circular part of her stethoscope to my chest. It was a bit of a pressure I wasn’t expecting and I jumped a tad. “Sorry buddy, I’ll be careful.” She said. I made a noise of agreement and went silent again. “He looks good, the stitches are still closed and there’s nothing around them to indicate that there’s an infection. Of course he’s still got two days of monitoring before he can leave, but he may be able to leave the third day instead of the forth.” She said. 

“Great!” Blake said, he sounded happy. I loved the way his voice sounded when he was happy. It made me feel safe, like he loved me. 

“I’ll be bringing in his pain medicine and his breakfast in a few minutes.” She said, and I heard a rustling sound, I assumed he was nodding at her because he didn’t verbally reply to her statement. I figure it would come off as rude if he did nothing, right? 

I heard her walk over to the door and open it, as she walked out I heard her shoes against the tiled floor, and then the door shut. I groaned softly and shook my head in annoyance, causing a sharp pang of pain to the back of my head. 

“Uggggh.” I moaned and looked over at the television. There was some children’s cartoon going and I just sighed deeply. 

“Morning baby. You staying up?” He asked. 

“Probably not, daddy.” I said softly, and he nodded. 

“Still feel drowsy?” He asked, and I nodded. “Need some water?” He asked, and I nodded. He got up and got me a glass of water. He brought it over to me and let me have it. I took a drink and then sat it down on the table beside the bed. I cuddled back into bed and closed my eyes. I still feel so foggy and tired. I hate this. 

“Love you, daddy.” I murmured softly, letting myself go back to sleep one more time. I needed to sleep. Sleep meant that I would recover faster. I need that.

36. ѕσℓυтισи

~ Today and tomorrow are bleeding together, but for now this is my solution to the chaos in my head.~

A S H T O N

I didn’t feel great when I woke up. My head was pounding, my eyes felt a little blurry and I was really tired still. I had said something about it when the doctor was in and he said that it was completely normal. The anesthesia hadn’t completely worn off yet and I was feeling the affects from that. While it made sense, it really sucked. At first, I liked the feeling of being light and float-y, but I had stopped feeling the lightness about four hours ago and it stopped being fun.

I was sure that Blake was going to have them give me my pain pills in a little bit because I kept complaining about my head hurting. While I knew it wasn’t that severe at the moment, I really just wanted to go back to sleep. I couldn’t sleep though, because the nurse was in my room messing with my IV’s and taking my vitals.

I was happy because that meant it was almost time for breakfast, and then my pills will be administered. I hadn’t heard Blake mention my parents once, which bothered me a little. I’d mildly hoped that when the doctors called them to inform them of me being in the hospital that they would at least call and see how I was doing. Granted they made it pretty clear the last time we’d seen each other that they really didn’t care too much.

I don’t understand why me being gay is such a problem for them. It’s not like I’m trying to make them conform and be gay themselves. I just wanted to be supported by the people whom I believed to love me more than anyone else in the world. I knew that there was a chance they would never accept it, but I always had a lingering amount of hope that they wouldn’t. I knew that it was going to be hard to get them to accept it, but I never thought that they would disown me and throw me out… and beat me. That felt a little… too far almost. Like overkill.

My parents had always told me that beating a dead horse would do no good, so why did they do that to me? Wouldn’t kicking me out and disowning me be enough?

While they never explicitly said leave, I knew that was the only thing I could do to protect myself, and while they never said they disowned me, they hadn’t even checked on me. My dad came by to get me the night I left and then tried to get the police to force me to come back, but I knew that was really just his possessiveness. He didn’t want to let me go because I was his “golden boy” and he thought he could change me back.

I wasn’t the same person anymore though. I had experienced things that made me realize that I was lying to myself to make them happy and that wasn’t okay with me anymore. I was more happy with Blake than I’d ever been with my parents and I knew that it was because I could be completely who I am without him judging me or making me be something I am not.

Since the day I met Blake, I’d been different. He made me feel things that no one else ever had even tried to and there was something so sexy about his warm, dominating presence. It never failed to turn me on whenever he was looking down at me. It didn’t matter what the position we were in was, if he was standing above me looking down at me, or if he was sitting beside me and looked down at me, it absolutely set my body on fire. I wanted nothing more than to completely melt into him and let him take all of me. I hated that we hadn’t gotten to do much in the way of BDSM because of my surgery and how sick I got.

“What is your pain level, Ash?” The nurse asked, and I grunted a little bit.

“About a five.” I said quietly. She checked my stitched and nodded her head.

“It’s very red, and looks a little irritated. I’ll put in a note for the doctor to check it out. In the meantime, have some breakfast, and then I’ll bring you your pain pills alright, darling?” She said softly. I nodded my head and smiled weakly. Come to think of it, the back of my ear did feel a bit tight and uncomfortable. I shook my head a bit and winced. Once the nurse left, she shut the door quietly behind her.

“How are you feeling, Ash?” Blake asked me softly. I shrugged a little.

“I don’t really feel that great right now, to be completely honest.” I said, and he nodded a bit. He sighed and reached out and grabbed my hand. I watched as he laced our fingers together and kissed the back of my hand.

“Doctor said earlier after you fell asleep that if everything continues going so well, you’ll be going home soon.” He said softly, running his thumb over the back of my hand. I nodded excitedly, making me gasp and immediately reach up to touch my neck. It hurt really bad to move it in that direction and I was a little nervous to see that it actually hurt that bad. I mean, I knew that there was a gash there that’d been sown together but honestly… ow. “Be careful, you’ll pull your stitches out.” Blake said, and I winced.

“That’s possible?!” I demanded, jerking upright and covering the stitches with my hand. He nodded and stood up, walking around the bed to grab the hand that was covering my stitches. He laced our fingers together and smiled softly.

“It’s okay, as long as you be careful, and don’t touch them they will be okay. And even if they do get torn, it is simple to get them restitched.” He said.

“I don’t want to have it restitched,” I complained, just as the lady who brought my meals to me walked in.

She raised an eyebrow and shook her head. “Did you tear your stitches out?” She asked, looking mildly alarmed.

“No,” Blake said and looked at her. “He just doesn’t want to be still.” He said, and she nodded.

“It’s a little uncomfortable, isn’t it?” She asked me as she laid my tray in front of me. I nodded and pouted a bit looking up at Blake with what I would consider begging eyes. I really wanted him to get me some apple juice from the vending machine. “Enjoy your food, I’ll see you at lunch.” She said kindly, a smile on her face. I smiled back and waved a little bit. Once she was out the door I immediately turned my eyes back to Blake, and began begging again with my eyes. He sighed deeply and raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, Ashton?” He asked, and while he was obviously trying to keep from showing it, but I knew from the tone in his voice that he would do whatever I asked him to after he said it.

“Apple Juice?” I asked, and he sighed deeply.

“I’ll be back. Behave.” He insisted. I nodded and smirked as he walked out of the room, shutting the door lightly behind him.

I found myself embraced by silence as the television had been long since muted, probably only left on to provide some light in the room at night. While I was happy to have a moment to myself, it seemed like my mind wouldn’t quit racing. I was worried about what was going on with the stitches because she said that they were warm… they shouldn’t be warm, right? That is a sign of infection.

I also was fighting with thoughts about my father and mother, and the betrayal I was feeling from them basically abandoning me. I felt so alone in the empty room and, the only person who really seemed to fill the void my parents left me with was Blake. I hated to rely on someone as much as I do him but honestly… without him I would just be another homeless gay teen on the street and I was immensely lucky that he gave a half a shit about me.

I was lucky. But it left me feeling empty to know that if I hadn’t have met him, I would be completely alone, homeless, and probably starving. Without him, really, where would I be now? Alone. Homeless, or abused. Starving, more than likely. Unsafe, definitely. I couldn’t help but feel really bad about all the people like me that weren’t lucky enough to have had a Blake. He was my savior, but who’s going to be everyone else’s savior?

While I acknowledge that I was really lucky, it made me feel almost guilty because of the astounding numbers of people that aren’t lucky. I hadn’t even thought about being homeless really, until this happened and I realized that it really could happen… and now I realize how blinded I’d been by the reality of the problem with homophobia.

Blake returned shortly after I took my first bite of food. He opened my apple juice and sat it on the tray in front of me. “Is something wrong?” He asked me, and I shrugged.

“Why are people homophobic?” I asked him, and he raised an eyebrow.

“Most people are afraid of anything that’s different from the normal. It’s honestly not their fault, usually it’s how they are raised.” He explained softly. “It’s like racism. No one is born hating someone for the color of their skin, they are taught to hate them.” He said, and put his hand on top of mine. “Why?” He asked.

“My parents…” I trailed off. “I don’t understand. How can someone hate you for something you didn’t chose? If I could’ve been born normal, I would have…” I trailed off softly.

“Ashton, your parents are from a different generation than both of us. They were probably raised very religious and taught hatred. They believe that by hating you because you’re gay is easier than accepting that they were taught incorrectly. It’s a lot easier to hate than to admit defeat.” He said softly.

“I’m not upset.” I said, and he raised an eyebrow.

“That’s a lie, and believe me, as soon as you’re all healed up, we’ll revisit the matter… however, the nurse stopped me in the hall and said she’d be in here soon, so you better eat up for now.” He said, and I sighed.

“Fine.” I pouted. “When are you going to start training me?” I asked him timidly, looking up at him from under my lashes. I had been wondering when all throughout my sickness, and realized that it was more or less out of his concern for my safety however, once everything is all healed up he should start… right?

“Once you’ve healed up and I don’t have to worry about touching you too hard.” He said softly, putting his hand on my shoulder. I smiled softly.

“I’m excited.” I admitted. He smiled and nodded.

“Oh? And why is that now?” He asked teasingly.

“Because I want to be perfect for you.” I admitted softly.

He murmured something quietly, and I raised an eyebrow. “What’d you say?” I asked, and he shrugged a little bit. I couldn’t help but feel as though whatever he’d said was derogatory, and I frowned.

“You’re great as you are.” He said, looking towards the door as the nurse walked in. She smiled a little bit and came back over to me and moved my food tray out of the way, sitting the apple juice down on the table by my bed.

“You ate a fair bit. I’m glad. This pain pill is a little stronger, the doctor is trying to limit the amount of doses you are getting a day, so it’s going to be a little bit of a head rush, okay, darling?” She asked, and I nodded a bit.

“Is it really a good idea to lower his doses in a twenty-four hour period of time by upping the dose of pain medication?” Blake asked.

“Well, the idea is to switch up the medications so as to prevent addiction while also taking care of the pain for a longer duration of time. The more frequently you have to take the pill the higher the chance for addiction.” She said, and I raised an eyebrow and looked at Blake who seemed to nod and agree so I relaxed a little. She gave me the cup with the pills in it and I put the pill into my mouth and took a big gulp of my apple juice.

“The doctor is going to come check his stitches in a little bit. If there’s an infection, we’ll immediately administer antibiotics to take care of it, and then his pain level will recede after that.” She said.

“But what if it’s not an infection?” Blake asked.

“Then it’s going to take a little longer in the hospital than expected. However, he seems to be doing wonderfully. I feel strongly that he’s got a mild infection, probably from touching it with his hands. He needs to be very careful to avoid touching it going forward.” She said. He nodded, and looked over at me.

“Hear that? Baby, keep your hands off your stitches.” He didn’t openly say or else, but the threat was there and it caused my pulse to race in anticipation. I blushed and nodded at both of them, lowering my head onto the pillow. “Get some rest precious, I’ll wake you up when the doctor comes in.” Blake promised softly, and I nodded my head, letting my eyes slip shut.

I couldn’t wait for the blissful numbness of sleep…

Or was it something a little bit more blissful than the blackness of sleep? I wasn’t sure anymore.

ѕυяρяιѕє!!!

(Deleting this in a week.)

Hey guys, in light of my stories reaching 700k, I wanted to treat you guys to something. So, I went to my Smashwords and got to creating coupons. For just 3 short days, you can get both of my stories on Smashwords for FREE. One of which can only be found on Smashwords. Comment down below if you are planning on using the following coupon, I would like to see how popular this is(if it’s popular enough, I may start rewarding coupons for first vote/comment etc.)

Just use the external link down below to get there and then use the code below:

Code: ZZ75Q (Please note, if I am not mistaken you can only use this code on Smashwords.)

Date: April 4, 2019-April 7, 2019

Thank you!

37. σвѕєяναтισи

A/n: This is a chapter that’ll be more important later on in the story, technically its a part 1, but the part 2 will come later than the next chapter.

 Under your watchful eye, I shall prosper…

A S H T O N

I’d been poked and prodded, given antibiotics, and painkillers, and was told to sleep. So that’s what I did… until I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. Blake had fallen asleep and I wasn’t about to wake him up yet. I knew he’d been up every time I’d woken up before and that meant he hadn’t slept. I worried that he wasn’t getting enough rest. Since I have been here, the number of times I’d seen him sleep were few and far between, I could count them on one hand. I’ve been here three days and four nights, he should’ve slept at least thrice, and I know he couldn’t have.

He’s always awake when I wake up. At first I thought maybe he just was waking up before me, but then I realized that I would wake up six times a night, sometimes, and he’d be up every single time. So, I was happy to let him get some rest.

I wanted some alone time anyway. I wanted to just forget about everything right now. But the new pain medicine isn’t helping me with the pain. It’s a little frustrating because I know it’s strong, it just isn’t helping. I feel like a burden to the nurse so I’ve not said anything, but I really don’t like the pain. I hope when I leave, I get the same prescription that I was on because it really helped. 

I didn’t like the way the medicine felt that they gave me. It made me anxious, and I really was just ready for them to give me the medication that I need back. I really was sick of waiting though. I knew it was to keep me from getting addicted, but I’m not addicted to them. They are just to help me deal with the pain in my head. They may provide some other benefits like numbness, drowsiness, and preventing me from thinking about my mom and dad, but that didn’t mean that I was going to take them forever.

I just want to get better so that I don’t have to feel like a burden to Blake. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t also really want to start training. I was excited, yet nervous. Blake and I hadn’t really done a lot on the side of training seeing as when we started having sex I went completely in and started experimenting before we’d really talked about it. I was completely okay with that. In my head, I feel that lying out what we are going to do in bed will take the fun out of it. I mean, yeah, it’ll still be hot but we’d be missing the spontaneity of sex that I loved. I loved not knowing what we were really going to try next, it made it interesting.

I was a little worried that my head(and the surgery)would affect him doing certain things that I’d come to love. I love when he fucked my face, and he would put his hands on the back of my head to make me go lower… what if this causes him to not be able to do that? And what if he can’t pull my hair when he fucks me? I love that! I think the worst part of this surgery is not knowing what will come of it later.

I don’t know if maybe this won’t affect anything, or if it’ll change everything. It was nerve-wrecking, and a little annoying. I want to find out what my life is going to be like now that I have this shunt thingy in my head.

I groaned a bit and rolled over so I was facing Blake. The light from the muted television lit up his face, and I could see the shadows being cast on his face, making him look somewhat scary. I knew he was no threat to me, I kind of found the scary look a little… sexy. Blake was a decent sized guy, not over or under weight, tattoos, and here recently a beard. The beard was slightly new. I had initially thought it looked gross, and thought it’d feel irritating when we kissed but it wasn’t at all. He’s only been growing it a couple weeks at most, and at first it was a little scratchy but after it grew out a little bit, it was soft and felt kind of… erotic.

I blushed, almost as if Blake could read my thoughts. He and I hadn’t had sex in a while because he was worried about hurting me and I understood even though I really didn’t like it. I wanted him to do whatever he wanted to me. I had found that I really, really like it when Blake uses me however he wants. It’s really hot, but also, I loved satisfying the beast inside him.

Sex with him is amazing. Granted I had only experienced sex with him, but I felt that it was good enough to warrant amazing. He’s so confident in everything he does. I love the way he makes me feel like I’m flying away. Every touch is like he’s pouring himself into me, tracing every touch to memory so he’d never forget it. It’s euphoric, sensual, earth shattering.

After Blake, I’m ruined to everyone else. A combination of a big dick, just the right dominant personality to make me squirm, and how damn great the sex is, no one else could ever hit the spot like he does. Everything feels so great, every touch and kiss is like we’re starving for each other when we’re having sex.

The surgery could be for the best, because our sex lives could go on to be absolutely astounding now that he can train me so that I’ll be able to hold back my orgasm longer, deep-throat him, and I’m quite interested in spankings, and being tied up… I couldn’t wait for him to start doing that to me. It’ll be so sexy.

I looked over to the clock on the wall and sighed deeply. I didn’t know what time I’d be getting my pain pills today and I was getting a little anxious. I wanted to go back to sleep but I just wasn’t tired yet. I mean, I’d slept like two days straight, about. I mean, there’s been times I woke up for an hour or so but, I don’t know exactly how many hours I’d slept if you added them all up because frankly, time wasn’t too clear for me for the first day or so.

The anesthesia made things a little blurry and unclear, I didn’t really remember much from before the surgery either, like the morning of the surgery to after the anesthesia wore off was just a complete haze.

I’d talked to the doctor about that after the anesthesia wore off and he said it was completely normal. I hadn’t fully woken up when they’d put me under so my brain had related the time before the anesthesia to a dream and thus, I do not remember much of it. I was okay with that because I was sure that I had to have done something silly or annoying and I didn’t really want to remember that.

I heard rustling and immediately looked over to Blake. I wasn’t certain if he was awake or asleep still so I just kept looking at him. His eyes weren’t open, but I felt like he was probably awake. I didn’t want to say anything on the off chance that he didn’t get up and check on me before laying back down to get more sleep. I didn’t know if he was so tired that he couldn’t check on me, either. He more than likely hadn’t slept in a couple of days. I gather that if that is the case, he’ll be dead to the world until he’s rested enough to be awake without making himself sick. I would be quiet as a mouse until he woke up on his own.

I laid there for a bit, letting the silence stretch for a while. I needed to take a break from thinking because I hadn’t stopped thinking all night, save for when I was sleeping and I was getting a little tired of analyzing everything without a reason. It was exhausting.

I could talk to the nurse and tell her that this medication wasn’t really helping but I don’t want them to think that I’m addicted to the pain medicine that I was on, that’d make them not prescribe me it when I leave.

A little bit later, the nurse came in to check on me. I made sure to put my finger to my lips when she came in to let her know that Blake was asleep finally. She walked over to the bed and began taking my vitals. “He’s been up the entire time, from what I heard.” She said quietly.

“I figured.” I murmured.

“How’s your pain, dear?” She asked softly, her fingers lightly tracing over the stitches. I winced slightly.

“It’s alright.” I said, and she raised an eyebrow. “About a 4 and a half.” I said, and she nodded. She unhooked me from the machine and smiled a bit.

“Your stitches are looking better. The doctor must’ve been right about the minor infection. Now that the incision looks better your pain is dropping a bit. I’m glad. I’ll bring you by a pain pill and another dose of antibiotics when you eat your breakfast.” She said softly. I smiled and nodded a bit.

At last, a end to this restlessness is in sight. I’d been waiting for that news since about four am, and I was ready to get back to sleep. I was ready to let go of everything and just rest for a while. I still was having lingering thoughts about my dad and mom. I was curious. “Can I ask something?” I asked her as she started away from me. She turned and looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

“Sure,” She said softly.

“Do you guys know if my mom or dad have called to check on me?” I asked her softly and she she nodded her head.

“When family calls, we answer and transfer them to the room that you are in.” She explained, and I nodded.

“Has anyone called for me?” I asked. She bit her lip and bit and shook her head.

“Okay, thank you.” I said, and she nodded.

“I’ll see you in a few minutes darling. Eat up.” She said with a smile. I nodded my head and smiled as she walked out of the room but my face fell to a frown as soon as she was gone. I had known that they hadn’t called for me, or even cared if I was okay, but I had really hoped that that wouldn’t be the answer I got. I had hoped that Blake just hadn’t told me that my parents had called to keep from upsetting me or making me worry that my dad was going to try to pull something again like with the police.

Though I filed a police report against him so he really can’t do anything. But my mom… she could’ve called and checked on me. I really only have Blake, now. What would I do without him? I didn’t really want to think about that but what if he doesn’t want to stay with me now that I’m not sick.

I felt like I was pressuring him into a relationship almost because I was so dependent on him. Part of me wonders if he’ll get tired of it soon. I sure did hope not, because I’d really miss him a lot. He’s been a huge source of happiness for me and I’m not sure what I would do without him. He’s taken me in hand and made me so happy. I can’t imagine how unhappy I’d be if I wasn’t with him.

The lady who delivers my meals came in and smiled softly, glancing over to Blake and being careful to shut the door quietly behind her. She sat my tray down on the table beside the bed, and rolled it over to me. I smiled at her timidly and she smiled back. “Good morning.” I said softly and she smiled.

“Good morning. I’m glad to see him sleeping finally.” She said, and I nodded softly. “He really cares about you.” She said softly. I glanced over at him and then back to her.

“He does?” I asked.

“He’s been awake for nearly seventy two hours avidly watching you to make sure absolutely nothing goes wrong.” She said.

I felt my cheeks heat up. Hearing her say it like that made me realize that he obviously cared a good deal about me. He wouldn’t be checking on me, staying up to make sure I always have what I want and need… making sure that they aren’t messing up my medicine… he had to care about me at least a little to do all of that stuff for me.

“Thank you.” I told her softly, and she smiled and shook her head.

“For what?” She asked.

“Opening up my eyes.” I murmured softly, looking over at Blake. I smiled and bit my lip, suddenly feeling a bit better. She smiled a bit and walked over to the door.

“Well, I’ve gotta get back to my rounds. Hungry people all over this hospital depend on me to give them their bland hospital food, so, I must go. I’ll see you at lunch time.” She said, and I nodded, watching as she walked out of the room. My eyes turned back to Blake and I smiled softly.

I love him. I love him so much.

That thought sort of scared me, but it also made me feel a little more free this time. More happy. More safe.

38. мαиιfєѕтαтισи

~ I was confused on how my mind was suppose to work… should it really be against me this much? Daddy… I’m scared and I need you, but I don’t know how to ask for help.~

A S H T O N

I only had one more night in this hospital and I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to get back home and be able to cuddle with Blake. I missed the feeling of his hands on mine. I really wanted to be lost in him again. It’d been so long since I had been able to really even kiss him and it was beginning to drive me a little bit crazy. I missed the way his lips felt pressed against mine. And I needed a good kiss, a real kiss. One like when we first met, that had fire and lust behind it.

I also had come to love his gentle kisses though, the ones that make my insides flutter and my heart race. I loved that too, it was a different kind of fire, a different kind of lust that was all encompassing. It wrapped around me like a silk blanket, caressing my skin with it’s gentle touch.

I knew that rationally speaking, it was probably the same kiss, and I knew that. But I couldn’t help but feel like there was a slight difference, if nothing else.

“Ash, how are you feeling?” Blake asked me, and I jumped a bit, shocked by his voice. It was unusually loud in the quietness of the room. I shrugged a bit and looked away from him. He sighed softly, and came over to the chair by my bed and held my hand.

“I’m feeling okay.” I finally say. “My heads a little sore, but I’m not dying. I just can’t wait to get home. I need to cuddle with you and be away from all the stress. I just want to be back to normal now and I’m not. So it’s a little sad. I feel a little… down.” I explained softly.

“Ash, I understand that you want to be back to normal but you need to take your time healing. I enjoy having sex with you but overall, your health is most important.” He said. “If they aren’t sure you’re ready to leave, I want you to stay.”

“I will, daddy.” I promised, and he smiled a bit.

“Good boy. You’re so far behind in school. I haven’t the slightest idea how you’re going to get caught up.” He said and I sighed deeply.

“I can just drop out?” I said softly, and he shook his head.

“You’re too smart to be doing that. No, what about homeschooling? Or Online-Schooling? You could move at whatever pace you needed to, to pass. Or you could take your time and complete it when you’re ready.” He said, and I nodded.

“I guess that’d work. But what about my writing class?” I asked.

“I’ll see if you can just enter it under another school. It seems like something you should be able to do, right?” He asked.

“Yeah,” I said softly. I was a little sad about not going back to school, but also really relieved. I wasn’t really thrilled about going back to school. I missed my writing class, and my language arts classes, but I didn’t want to risk seeing my dad at school. It was nerve wrecking, really. The fact that he very easily can just waltz into my school and make a scene. Sure I had a Order of Protection but I wasn’t sure he’d follow it. It’d be illegal for him to, but do I trust that? Not sure just yet.

I really liked the idea of being at home all the time though. It sounded a lot more comfortable and safe–and far away from my father. Well, not really since he lived across the street. But there was less of a risk of him getting to him if I was at home with Blake.

I also would be out of the stress of hiding the kind of lifestyle I live. I hated having to lie just because it wasn’t considered normal. And, it was also a little nerve-wrecking because I couldn’t really wear a collar at school. People notice that kind of thing and it becomes a lot of problems. I hated that I couldn’t be considered normal just because of my relationship. It seems a little stupid because I don’t really understand why it would matter. All in all, everyone has different needs, wants and desires. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But, if you ask most of my school, there is. I don’t know why it matters so much but I had been wearing my collar at school at first and I was getting a lot of sideways looks. After expressing this to Blake he concluded that my high school wasn’t an appropriate place to wear a collar. I felt bad at first, like I wasn’t able to fulfill his needs, but he’d explained that he was more worried about me being safe than proving his dominance to teenagers.

I thought that was kind of hot, the unfaltering confidence. I couldn’t deny that he turned me on because of his knowledge, and his experience in bed, but it was a lot more than that. I loved that he was so sure of his actions. It made me more sure about my decision to be with him. I felt safe with him in a way that I’d never felt with anyone else. I’d never really suffered from feeling unsafe anywhere but home… but I felt safe anywhere that Blake was. He was amazing. I couldn’t help but glance over and see him sitting there watching me. He looked so handsome, I missed having his hands on me. I was unable to look away from him as my mind pulled up memories of him touching me.

I hadn’t been touched in what felt like forever and I couldn’t help but bite my lip and bite back a whimper. Blake was extremely good in bed so, I had gotten use to really getting off a lot. It was so amazing to have him touch me. I felt so loved when he touched me, everything felt so good. I felt myself getting hard and tried not to think about it anymore.

Since finding out that Blake cared a lot about me, I hadn’t been able to really tell what I was thinking. I was happy that he cared about me, I was worried that I was merely just a stepping stone for him. I don’t want to lose him, ever.

He was a great, loving man when he wanted to be. Usually I was being pampered, played with and touched. He gave me anything I wanted, which I’d never quite understood why he felt the need to do that. I didn’t want his money. I just wanted him.

I was a little worried that he thought all I wanted was his money.

I glanced over at the clock and sighed. It had been a long time since they brought my meds in here, and I was getting a slight bit impatient. I groaned softly and rolled my eyes. It was stupid that they would limit me on how much I could have pain management I could have?

It felt a bit silly because I was only using them for pain. It wasn’t like I was a drug addict. The doctor was just being over dramatic.

I groaned again and Blake made a face. “What’s wrong princess?” Blake asked. I frowned and shrugged.

“My head hurts a little.” I said, and he nodded.

“You’re gonna get some medicine in about an hour.” He said, and I nodded quietly. My head was aching and I didn’t feel well. I’d been feeling really bad lately and I just needed it to stop for a little bit. I was glad the surgery was over, but I still hurt. All the time.

I’m not even sure if it’s a real pain, or if it’s just a mental pain anymore. All I know is that it makes it all go away and I need that. It’s so hard for me to know what I’m even thinking right now.

I’m just caught up in being upset over my dad, and my mom, even. I can’t believe they have just abandoned me. I know that they had to know something was wrong with me. I knew that it wasn’t a huge secret. They would’ve been notified when I missed school for medical reasons. Or maybe, they just said I wasn’t attending. It seemed a bit crazy that they wouldn’t care that their only son had just gone through brain surgery.

I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. And Damien had began to be really rude to me, talking badly of Blake and trying to control who I hanged around with. He was acting weird around me and I was confused by it. I didn’t really know why it was that he wasn’t accepting Blake but it was odd and I didn’t like it much. I wasn’t sure that there was a reason behind it other than just being lonely, but if there was, I’d like to know at least what it was.

I wish that I could get out of my head for a while, get away from everything and just stop thinking. I can’t stand the way my brain runs and runs, second guessing everything.

I wasn’t happy about missing school, not being able to write, losing my friend because of Blake, my parents not caring anymore because I’m gay. It feels like everything is going wrong, even my health has gone down. I don’t understand how someone who was responsible for my life could hate me for something I have no control over. I didn’t get why my mother, the woman who gave birth to me could let my dad do to me what he did. I didn’t know why it was such a big deal for me to love… to love Blake. Or any other man, really.

I wasn’t able to wrap my head around it, it just didn’t make sense. Blake is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I haven’t felt so supported ever in my life. He didn’t care about my flaws, only the good things about me. He cared about my health, my wellbeing, and my happiness. My parent’s never had before.

I couldn’t help but think that my dad had never really loved me at all given everything he’s put me through. I didn’t understand how someone could hurt someone they’d been responsible for bringing into the world.

It was so wrog, and I hated it. But what could I do about it? Even though I don’t like what he’s done to me, I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t want to hurt him back. Even though he’s caused me so much pain, I still don’t want to get him in trouble.

I also can’t help but feel responsible in a way, like I’m to blame for it. It was a thought that  kept me up at night sometimes.

I guess it’s just my head playing with me, telling me that I’m to blame for what happened. I knew I shouldn’t have came out, I knew they wouldn’t be okay with it, but I did it anyway. Why would I do that? Why would I put myself in that situation? I knew it was a terrible idea, I never should have stood up for myself or for Blake and none of this would’ve happened. But, then again, I wouldn’t be this serious with Blake at all.

It was a catch twenty two because I loved my life with Blake, but I missed my mom and dad. I missed school, too. I knew Blake wanted me to go to school, and I was quite excited about online schooling. It seemed like a dream come true because I could learn, and be with Blake. It was everything I wanted.

I couldn’t wait until I could get back to learning. I loved to learn. I sighed and glanced at the clock when there was a soft knock at the door. I felt my heart jump as excitement raced through me. I knew that she was here to give me my medicine and I’d been waiting for that for a long time. I hated being attacked by thoughts like this, and it put a temporary barrier between me and the pain. That is what I needed.

To stop hurting inside.

To stop hating myself.

To stop hating my dad for everything that happened.

To stop being sad all the time.

To stop feeling guilty.

To be free from my thoughts.

I hated that I was sad, Blake had done everything he could to help us. I think that he was trying to compensate me for what happened because he felt like he was in someway to blame for it, which he definitely was not.

I wanted Blake to quit blaming himself, but I also didn’t know how to bring it up without upsetting him or making him think that I blame him. I don’t, I know that it was all me, and my father. I shouldn’t have came out, but he definitely shouldn’t have reacted this way and hurt me. It was overkill.

“Hey Ash, how you feeling?” The nurse asked me and I shrugged a bit.

“A slight headache. It isn’t like my old ones, but it’s pretty bad.” I said and she nodded, her gloved hands gently touching my stitches making me flinch. It was a bit painful to the touch.

“It feels warm again, actually…” She mused quietly. “I’ll have the doctor come back in and take a look at it because that usually means an infection. I’ve got your pills for you so it’ll stop hurting.” She said, and handed them to me.

Blake handed me a small glass of water and I took the two pills she gave me. I could see the worry on Blake’s face as he thought over what she said. I was worried too. I didn’t understand why there was so much going wrong with this surgery.

If it’s infected, this’ll be the second time. I sighed deeply and glanced over at the clock. He’ll probably come by in an hour or so when I’ve fallen asleep from my medicine. I bit my lip and laid back, listening to Blake and the nurse talk. I wasn’t sure what they were talking about because I tuned them out. I didn’t want to know about what this could mean. I just wanted to forget about everything.

39. ѕєℓf-∂є¢єρтισи

Sometimes the easiest part of lying to yourself is the comfort you get from the delusion.

A S H T O N

The day I was released from the hospital, I was so excited. I needed to be free of the overly sterile hospital and I was glad that my incision hadn’t been infected. Blake had to help me out to the car because I was still a little wobbly. My neck and head felt very heavy due to the blood rushing to the incision. The doctor was convinced that I was fine. Albeit a bit sore, but I wasn’t at risk for dying anymore that they knew of. 

My headaches had dulled down a whole lot in comparison to before the surgery, and I wasn’t even sure if what I had was actually a headache or just from the splint in my head. I was not happy that they changed my medication to Tylenol and Ibuprofen alternated every four to six hours as needed. In fact, I was a little ticked off. Tylenol and Ibuprofen had never helped me with anything other than getting rid of fevers. 

I was a little worried because I was still hurting and it wasn’t like I was just some addict, I really needed them to not feel pain. I guess they don’t see it that way, though. I guess I’ll live, it just really, really sucks. 

I couldn’t help but glance around our bedroom and sigh. It’d been two weeks since I’d been in this room. Two weeks since I’d been held as I slept. Two weeks since I’d been out of the pristine white hospital room, with nothing but kids cartoons and superhero movies to keep me company. I hadn’t been able to do any research on littles because I wasn’t really able to stay awake when I was in the bed. 

I was just immensely glad to be able to get back to my life. I was so glad that the surgery was behind me and I could start school again. Blake and I decided that since I missed so much school that we were going to do online schooling and he was going to help me with it. 

I was excited because now something that I had a lot of fun with I could share that with Blake. I can’t believe that everything is somehow getting better. It seemed a bit hopeless before the surgery. I was really excited that I our sex life was about to get interesting and I was happy. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for Blake because I hadn’t been able to sexually satisfy him. I couldn’t wait for him to actually train me. It was going to be a while before he could be rough with me because of the incision but I was still happy. 

It finally seemed like things were going to be okay. 

I hadn’t heard from Damien in a while, which was a little concerning. I had been messaging him a bit in the hospital but he just ignored all my messages. I suppose he just didn’t want to be friends anymore. I just wish he would tell me that instead of just not telling me anything. But, I guess it’s okay because I’m not in school anymore. I… really kind of missed him though. Sure, I complained about him and was pretty sarcastic with him, but I still enjoyed hanging out with him. We were pretty sarcastic together, which is what made things fun.

With him I was a good boy, but I didn’t have to be quite so anal about everything because we’d known each other for years and we didn’t really fight. I had never stood up to him before, really, until I met Blake. I just wish that he didn’t hate Blake so much, I don’t understand why. If anything, Blake has more than proved himself worthy of being with me. 

He’d done everything within his power to make me happy. He spent money on me, doted on me and made sure I was comfortable. If I didn’t want to do something, he wouldn’t make me.  I could really do about whatever I wanted, which was nice. All I really wanted to do was make Blake happy and be his submissive. I’d be happy anywhere as long as it was with Blake. 

The door to our room opened and Blake stuck his head in. “Hey darling, are you hungry? I made vegetable soup.” He said and I nodded a little. 

“Can I have a little? I’m not really hungry but I need to eat.” I said, and he nodded.

“I agree. You’ve lost a bit of weight and it doesn’t look entirely healthy.” He said, and I nodded at him. “I’ll bring you some sweet tea, too. Would you like lemon?” 

“No thanks, daddy.” I said, and he nodded. 

I sighed deeply as he left and shut the door behind him and glanced over at the clock. It was time for my medicine. I bit my lip and glanced over at the bottom drawer of my nightstand. I didn’t have a lot left, but I had a little bit of my medication left. When Blake had gotten me home I went straight to the bathroom and got them. I knew that I wouldn’t be getting anymore so I had to take the ones that I had left and hide them. 

I knew he’d want me to pour them out, if he found them. I was worried because I couldn’t get more. I was pretty sure they’d cancelled the prescription, which made things a little more complicated because I couldn’t just go get them refilled. 

The door opened back up and I jumped, watching as Blake came into the room carrying a tray with a bowl a spoon and a bottle of Ibuprofen. “You’re jumpy today. Did you see your dad outside again?” He asked, and I shook my head. 

“I just wasn’t expecting you back so soon,” I said, and he nodded his head. “That smells fantastic. I knew you could cook but I didn’t know that you could make homemade soup.” 

“Oh of course, nothing but the best for my little princess. How’re you feeling? Is your scar closing up nicely?” He asked. 

“I’m sore, not gonna lie. But I think I’ll be okay. I’m really tired all the time.” I said.

“Understandable. Well, I am sure that you can tune the television to whatever you’d like and take a short name if you need to. I’ll understand completely.” He said.

“Am I allowed?” I asked.

“Of course,” he said as he looked at me weirdly. “You know that. As long as you get up when you’re asked then you can take a nap pretty much anytime unless you’ve been told otherwise. Now is the best time, too, because you’re still on bedrest and can’t walk too much.” 

“Okay. I just didn’t wanna make you mad at me.” I said. 

“I’m going to stay with you while you eat so that you don’t have to worry about getting me to come get the tray.” He said, and I nodded. “So, is your head feeling okay?” 

“A little sore, and when I stand up I get dizzy from the blood rushing to my neck.” I said. 

“Well, thankfully it’s normal for that to happen with the surgery you had. I’m immensely proud with how well you’re doing given that all you’ve had for pain the last two days is Ibuprofen and Tylenol.” He said. “It’s been miraculously easy for you to come off of them.” 

“I’m not addicted, I just hurt.” I immediately said, feeling a bit guilty and a bit defensive. It was pointless, really because he never said that I was but I’d heard so many people worry over it that it made me feel bad about myself. 

“I know, Princess. It’s just a precaution because medications like that are very addictive.” He said, and I shrugged. 

“I know.” I said, and bit my lip. “It just seems like everyone is thinking that I am addicted to them when I’m not. I’m tired of everyone thinking that they know whats best for me when they don’t. The only one I want telling me what to do is you.” 

“I understand, but it is the doctors job to make sure that you’re not addicted to them. He could have lost his job if you were and he continued giving them to you whether you needed them or not. They keep a close eye on pain medications because of their addictive properties.” Blake explained and I sighed. 

“I guess.” I said, scooping another spoonful of soup into the spoon and taking a bite. 

“Damien stopped by,” Blake said.

“Oh?” I asked.

“Yes, he wanted to make sure you were okay after the surgery. He said that he’d called you but you never picked up.” Blake said. 

“Huh, I never got a call.” I said, and picked up my phone. I typed in my password, and it opened quickly. I had a singular message, and it wasn’t from Damien. 

“That’s odd. Perhaps he’s been messaging your old phone. You should message him from your phone and see how he is.” Blake informed me. I nodded and opened up Damiens message history and messaged him. 

[Me: 4:25 pm] - Hey, I heard that you called me, and stopped by. Sorry I missed you, I was napping. I didn’t know you ever called or I would’ve answered. I’m sorry. The surgery was a success and I’m healing up a bit.

I sat my phone down on the bedside table and began eating again. I took a small sip of tea. “I’ve missed being home.” I admitted.

“I know, but you’re here now so it’s almost over.” He said.

“Yeah, I can’t wait to get the last appointment over so I can completely put this behind me and move on.” I told him, picking up one of the crackers and putting some of the soup on it and taking a bite.

“I know. Me too.” He said. 

“I’m sorry for all this. If I had of known I was sick I wouldn’t have burdened you.” I told him. 

“You’re not a burden at all. I love you being here. It’s nice to not be alone all the time. Plus you give me something to do with my life. I’ve got all this money, and all this time but I have everything I want and need, and nothing to really do with my time.” He explained.

“I’m glad,” I said, and he smiled a bit. “I’m done eating now.” I told him, and he stood up and grabbed the tray. “Can I keep the tea? My throat hurts.” 

“Yes, here you go,” he said as he lowered the tray so I could get my tea. I grabbed it and sat it on the coaster on the bedside table. He leaned over and kissed me on the head. “Have a nice nap, sweetheart. I’ll come back and check on you in a little bit.” He said, and I nodded. 

“Thanks, daddy.” I said, smiling at him. 

I watched as he walked out of the room and shut the door, then listened to his footsteps as he walked down the stairs and to the kitchen. I got up and walked over to the door and pressed my ear against it, making sure he wasn’t coming back up. Once I figured that it was safe I locked the door and tip-toed over to my nightstand and opened the bottom drawer and picked up the pill bottle and opened it, popping two in my mouth and swallowing down the tea. I closed the bottle of pills and put them back in the bottom drawer, shut it quietly and got up and unlocked the door. 

I walked quietly back over to the bed and got into it, laying back and shutting my eyes. Just as I shut my eyes my phone dinged, alerting me to a new message. I opened my phone and clicked on the notification.

[Damien: 5:00 pm] - Hey! Blake told me you were asleep. I’m sorry I was so rude over him. I just was worried. But, anyone would be crazy to think that you guys didn’t belong together. I’m glad that the surgery went well. 

[Me: 5:05 pm] - I’m sorry too, I could’ve been a little nicer. 

I sat my phone down on the table and scooted down in the bed, getting comfortable. I was so ready for some peaceful sleep. I hadn’t slept well last night at all, so sleeping today would hopefully be better. I just need to get some rest and give the pain meds time to help with my neck. I hated lying to Blake about it, but I also knew that he’d just say I was addicted when I’m not. 

I didn’t want him to judge me, either. I was really worried that I’d push him and make him hate me by being so problematic. I’d done nothing but cause problems since he met me, and even though he says it doesn’t bother him, I really felt like it did. 

I momentarily thought of talking to him about feeling so problematic but I shook it off, knowing that my bringing it to him would only add more problems to the current list that I’d already given him, twelve miles long. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, forcing myself to relax and stop thinking. 

All I needed was to sleep.

A/n: Hello! I hope you enjoyed the update. I feel very rejuvenated already, so I started writing and it just wouldn’t stop. I feel so much better now that I don’t have to limit myself to only BDSM and Romance. 

To anyone who doesn’t know yet, I have opened a second account, and I’m pursuing another genre of writing: Horror. If you’re interested in following me, for the next 48-72 hours I’m going to be following everyone who follows my new account on both accounts. Comment down below when you’ve followed if you’re interested in being followed. If the link doesn’t work, look for the first comment and it’ll be there. 

Link: 

https://www.wattpad.com/user/XxPrinceOfHorrorxX 

Thanks!

~Alex

40. ¢σяυρтισи

~  Things aren’t always as black and white as they appear… for nothing is as it seems. ~

A S H T O N

• a month later -

Time had passed as if it was moving at the speed of light. I was, for the most part back up and functioning normally. I was back in school, and I was doing okay. I still experience a fair amount of pain, but the doctors refused to give me anymore pain pills. Ibuprofen just wasn’t working. So, that’s how I found myself on RxIngCo. I came across the app on a forum for people who don’t believe in drug reform. 

The app was only available on a sketchy apk website which led to a dropbox link. I found that there was a bunch of sections, for different kind of prescriptions, based on need. I found that they had delivery options, and pick up options. I knew that there was only a couple ways I could get the pills, and the best one was the option of delivery. I could specify where I needed it to be put, and once it was delivered I could go get it, and then check a box saying that it was delivered and the money was immediately transferred from my bitcoin account to the other persons and it was done. 

I had tons of bitcoin from when I was a kid. Damien had given me his old one trying to get me into a video game that you had to use bitcoin for, and it collected interest over time. I found myself grateful for it, despite having never used it. I kept it hidden so that I could always have some money, even if I didn’t earn it. I had a backup plan.

I selected the same exact prescription that I had on the bottle in my bottom drawer. I left the note ‘In the mailbox, by 12.’ so that I could go get the mail, put it in my pocket and not worry about it for the next month. I knew that it was risky, but I was down to my last couple of pills and I needed them to help with my pain. Once I got out of the pain from the surgery I’ll stop taking them, but though it’s dulled a bit, it’s still there.

I opened up my school website and sighed deeply as I looked over the classes. I was scheduled to start in a few days, and I was really nervous. I hadn’t been to school in what felt like forever, so the fact that I was going to online school was relieving and terrifying all at once. I wasn’t sure exactly how to feel. I would miss some of my teachers, but given that the only friend I had was Damien and we didn’t share any classes we never saw each other at school much anyway. He did tell me he was planning on visiting me soon, last time we talked. 

I was excited because I felt like there was so much going right, now. My dad never spoke to me when he was outside and I happened to be as well. It was almost as if he didn’t even know me and suddenly that was okay with me. I didn’t care that he hated me. Or whatever it was that he was trying to prove. 

I found that I didn’t care about a lot anymore, and it was liberating. I no longer felt the need to over-achieve when I could simply just… rest. It was a freeing feeling, indeed. I was so happy to finally just lose myself in my life and be happy. It had been so long since I didn’t feel the weight of being what someone else wanted me to be, and I was extremely ready to let loose.

Blake was about to start training me to be his full on submissive, and I was thrilled. I couldn’t help but be excited. All I wanted was to be Blake’s submissive, and I’d love it. I was so excited to finally be able to have sex again. One more appointment and Blake was going to fuck me again, and I couldn’t wait. 

Blake wanted to make sure that he had doctors permission to get back and rolling in the sheets again. I could respect it and still hate it, but I knew it was because he was worried about hurting me and having to go through another surgery. 

A knock on the door startled me, and I jumped, looking over at the door as Blake opened it. He smiled at me and walked over to the bed, sitting down. “So, I’m curious about how you’re doing.” He said, and I shrugged a bit and pushed the laptop off of my lap. He’d bought me a laptop for school, and I was glad for it. I never would’ve found the app if he hadn’t. Plus, I needed it for school, and he wanted to make sure that I had everything I needed.

“I’m doing well, actually.” I admitted. He smiled at me, and nodded.

“Is there anything you’d like to get? I’m about to run to the mall.” He said. 

“Well, I was wondering…” I trailed off. He raised an eyebrow and I bit my lip. “I don’t want to be a girl, but I’d like to look more like one…” 

“And what do you need to do that? I hardly think we aren’t past the embarrassment stage in our relationship.” He said, and I shrugged a bit.

“Surprise me. But, I want to really look like a girl. So, use that as inspiration?” I asked.

“You don’t know what you need to look like a girl? Hell, I thought you were pretty damn convincing myself.” An evil smirk crossed his face. “On second thought, I know just where to go. Just be good while I’m gone, yes?” He said.

“Promise! Oh, and daddy?” I said softly. 

“Yes, princess?” He asked teasingly.

“Thank you. Really. You’ve given me so much acceptance and care since I’ve been with you here and I really do appreciate it.” I said.

“I know, darling. Be good, there’s soup in the fridge in a container waiting to be warmed up. Just pop off the lid and put it in the freezer. I should be back by two, but I wanted to make sure you have lunch while I’m away.” He said, and I glanced at him.

“What are you getting at the mall that it’ll take three hours to get?” I asked timidly.

“Well, originally I was just going to buy a few pairs of jeans, but then you added on what could be a pretty long list depending on how into it I get, so, I’m giving myself ample time to amuse myself. You are welcome to go with me, if you want.” He said.

I shook my head. “I’m okay, I’m still pretty sore, and I want it to be a surprise!” I whined.

“Okay, well, as I said, be careful. I can’t have you hurting yourself.” He said, and I nodded obediently and smiled at him. He leaned forward and kissed me softly, our lips dancing softly together in a sweet, but slightly lustful way. “I can’t wait until the doctor says you’re completely healed up and it’s safe for me to fuck you.” He groaned softly as he pulled away. 

“Me either, trust me.” I murmured, pulling him back down to my lips. I was so desperate for him to touch me, to be inside me again that I was losing it. I went from daily(rough and kinky)sex to barely being able to have vanilla sex once a week and it was absolutely killing me. I missed feeling him, feeling close to him. 

He pushed me back and smirked a bit. “Soon, trouble. Soon. I’m gonna go ahead and go, before we get into a tad bit of… trouble…” He smirked as he said it and I blushed. I couldn’t wait until ‘soon’ was right now and he was back to being all over me again. 

I hated the way it was now. As he left, I watched him walk away. 

Privacy. Perfect, even better to get the pills without anyone seeing them. I knew that it was a bit risky to have them sent to the mailbox, especially with someone delivering them to the mailbox but it was easier than explaining a random trip to the stone that’s loose in the backyard or something equally sketchy. The mailbox was the most discreet way to do it, and it’s not like anyone is watching the mailbox. No one really cares that much, because it’s not like people are stealing from the mailboxes in our neighborhood. 

I couldn’t imagine a place where that was a real problem, because everything is pretty much electronic now, besides like, mailing debit or credit cards or whatever, but even those have to be activated electronically. So it seemed like a moot point to me, but what do I know? I’m not exactly a thief, so I wouldn’t know what things would be valuable to someone who made their living off of stealing from mailboxes of all things.

I sighed deeply and walked over to the window and pushed the white sheer curtain aside and glanced out as Blake pulled out of the driveway. I waved at him as he went, smiling a bit. He waved back and mouthed something, or possibly shouted something I couldn’t hear. I figured he was on the phone with someone because he had bluetooth in his car so he didn’t have to hold his phone in his hand as he drove. I found that kind of cool, because when he wasn’t in a call he’d let me connect my phone and play my music through the speakers. 

I loved that, because he’d watch me out of the corner of his eye as I sang along with the tune. It was sweet how the corners of his mouth would turn up as if he was trying to fight back a smile. I loved that. I stood up and walked down to the kitchen and glanced at the clock. The pills will be here any minute. I grabbed a glass and put some lemonade in it, and then walked over to the door. I stood by it, watching as the time ticked by seemingly so slow. I glanced out the peep hole as a car I didn’t recognize stopped at the mailbox and a slim, blonde guy wearing a hoodie stepped out, opened the mailbox and shut it, before he glanced around and then got back into the car and they drove off. 

I took a deep breath and walked out to the mailbox, watching as the car drove off into the distance. I couldn’t quite make out the plate, but it was okay because what I needed had been delivered. I opened the mailbox and grabbed the mail out. I saw an interestingly placed manila envelope on the bottom and smiled a bit. It wasn’t labeled, and it didn’t have any names, stamps or anything like that on it, so I gathered it was what I was waiting for.

I smiled happily and walked into the house, shutting the door behind me. I immediately sat all the mail down, except for my envelope and walked back up to the room, lemonade in hand. I took out the pill bottle from the bottom drawer and opened the envelope. 

The envelope had a bubble package that said ’ Oxycontin- 20MG’ I glanced down at the bottle that read Oxycontin 20MG and sighed deeply. I looked at the pills in the bubble package and compared them to the ones in the bottle. They were the same little tablets. I sighed in relief. I had been worried that they were fakes, or something. I didn’t want to waste all that bitcoin on anything worthless.

I took my time to take the pills out of the bubble packaging and put them into the pill bottle. Once I had the whole 60 pills in the bottle, I sighed in relief and put the bubble package into the manila envelope and sealed it back up, putting it into the bottom drawer. I took two of the pills out of the bottle and put them in my mouth, gulping down some lemonade to make them go down easier. I had a couple left in the bottle, but I forgot to put them at the top like an idiot, so I guess it doesn’t really matter because it’s all the same anyway.

I sighed and laid back on the bed, pulling my laptop up to me. I went to youtube and looked up low-fi hip-hop and selected the first playlist I found. Can’t go wrong with a little mellow and quiet beat, especially when you’re tired and in a bit of pain. 

I laid back and grabbed my phone, going to the app I installed and confirming the delivery. I got a notification from bitcoin almost immediately letting me know 200 bitcoin had been sent to another user. I smiled and rested my head back on the pillow, deciding that a nap would pass time a whole lot faster than anything else crazy I could do alone. 

Naps are fun, anyway. I’m pretty tired, and didn’t feel like getting up to much trouble. Plus, I want to try to have sex tonight, even if it’s vanilla and not quite as fun.

41. fαѕ¢ιиαтισи

~ I can’t help but feel a bit fascinated with the person I am able to be with you.  ~

A S H T O N

Blake coming into the room woke me up and I sat up and watched as he came in. I smiled softly as he sat a bunch of bags down on the bed.  “I went a bit overboard, I admit. However, I feel certain I got you quite a lot that you can use.” He said, and I nodded a bit, yawning and sitting up, rubbing my eyes. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes, and looked over at him in disbelief.

“When I asked for something to help me look more feminine I didn’t mean you should buy me everything in the mall!” I drawled, taking a deep breath. 

“I didn’t buy you everything in the mall. I bought you about half of everything feminine in the mall, there’s a difference.” He said, smirking at me. I blushed a bit and raised an eyebrow. “Besides, I get a tad bit of enjoyment out of seeing you all dressed up also. So it’s not just you that’s profiting.” He said, and I blushed brightly.

“You get enjoyment out of seeing me dressed up?” I asked nervously. The blush on my cheeks was a bit embarrassing, but so was admitting to myself that I wanted to look like more like a girl. It was a part of my life I’d suppressed and was afraid of, ashamed of… and it made me so sad because I always felt like I was going to disappoint someone by letting that part of me be known. I was so nervous to tell Blake that it was something I was interested in, probably because of my fathers homophobia… but it felt so good to be free from my shame. 

I am who I am, and while I hated myself for the longest time, I’ve decided that isn’t who I am now. I’m not going to be afraid of who I am, or hate myself for what I am anymore. I’m going to become a new, better person. A person who isn’t ashamed of being gay, or cross-dressing or whatever it is that I am. 

I don’t know, and right now, I don’t think I need to. I don’t need anything else to worry over, and obsess over.

“I do.” Blake said, and I smiled softly and looked down at my hands. “So, now that that’s sorted. Take a look at what I got you.” He said, and I smiled softly and grabbed the first bag, pulling it over to me. All of the bags were marked by different shops that the mall had, but I was so caught up in my own excitement that I didn’t care.

I pulled out six pairs of lace panties and blushed brightly. Each one was a dark color, black, dark blue, blood red, dark pink, and dark purple. They were all different in some way or the other. The black one were bikini cut, lace on the back and the sides were strings, with a little bow on the back, and silk on the front. I loved the way they looked, and it was exciting. The dark blue one were boy-short cut, with sheer sides, and the back and front were lace, and they looked sexy. I couldn’t wait to try them on. The red one was a thong, lace, with a cute little white bow on the front of it. I found it so cute, and I was excited to wear them for the first time. It was a little scary because there wasn’t nearly as much room to tuck myself into them, and I definitely wasn’t use to having something between my butt-cheeks but it was going to be interesting definitely. The dark pink pair was also a bikini cut, but they were just lace, all around. With an adorable little white bow on the front and a heart cutout on the back. It was cute, and I loved it. The dark purple ones had to be my favorite because they were black and sheer in the back with polka dots on it and lace around the top, with a purple silk front that had a black bow on it. They were beautiful, and I loved them all. 

I grabbed the bag and found six bras inside, each matching the panties that he bought me. The cups on them were small, probably an A cup, but still bigger than my chest and I found that a little confusing. “These are still bigger than my chest, daddy?” I asked him confused. He smirked a bit.

“About that… I got something else for you. You can look at it now, if you want?” He said and I shrugged. 

“I’ll get to it. I trust you.” I said, and he smiled softly. 

“Okay, next bag, then.” He said. The next bag I got was from a shop that specialized in nighties, so I was excited to see what he’d picked out for me. I stuck my hand into it and pulled out six nighties. “I may have bought you one for every day but Sunday. I went a little overboard but I couldn’t pick just a couple. So I picked six.” He explained.

“This is a little excessive! I can’t imagine how much the bill for all this was!” I exclaimed.

“You probably don’t want to imagine,” he admitted. “But, I’ve got the money, and you deserve to have the opportunity to explore your sexuality, and your sexual identity.” 

“Are you sure this is okay?” I asked.

“Definitely.” He said. I nodded a bit, biting my lip. 

The nighties were gorgeous, each of them pretty similar, but different. He seemed to stick with the same colors, over and over, the same general style. “I got them so that they’d match the panties I got you. I knew if I got you twelve pair of panties you’d have a conniption.” He explained. I nodded, and smiled a bit. 

“I love them! Thank you!” I said. He smiled and nodded.

“A few more bags and you’re done. This one I feel is important to go along with the lingerie and nighties, so open this one next.” He said picking up a bag and handing it to me, and I nodded, and reached out and took the bag from him. 

I reached into it and found a plastic packaging inside of it. I pulled it out and looked at it in awe. “What is this?” I asked, running my fingers over them. They were perfect. And looked like they would fill the chest of both the nighties and the bras perfectly. It was a set of, seemingly perfect small boobs that I’d never be able to have. 

“They are called breast forms. Cross-dressers and transgender women use them to have their own set of breasts if they can’t afford the surgery, or if they just want a temporary set. It’s nice because you can bounce between whichever gender you’re associating with that day.” He explained. 

“I didn’t even know these existed.” I said softly, running my fingers over them. “How do I use them?” I asked.

“Well, because these were cheaper than the ones that suction onto you, and how uncomfortable I can imagine those would be I got you some skin safe adhesive that you use to put them on, and along with the bras I got you, each of them have a part installed on them for women with smaller breasts. They will help hold the forms in as long as you use the adhesive.” He explained. 

“Okay. What are they made of, they just look so soft..?” I asked carefully.

“Silicone.” He said. I nodded. “There’s glue inside the bag as well. So you have everything you need.” 

“Cool!” I said. 

“Next bag… This one is just clothes.” He said.

“Okay!” I said. He handed me the bag and I looked through it. It was women’s clothes. Shirts that were low cut, a few pairs of jeans and a shirt. It was cute. I loved it all. They were all so cute. I pulled out a pair of lace tights. They were obviously for the under the skirt and I smiled a bit as I looked over them. I could imagine how cute they’d look on me. I pulled another thing out of the bag and it was a pair of jean cut off shorts that looked like they’d come down to just above the tips of my fingers and a pair of tights that came up to what appeared to be my thigh, and the bottom part of them was suppose to work as a sock. I could imagine it’d be more like my knee because they were for girls, unless I was short enough to wear them as any girl would. I hoped they would look good on me like they would a girl. 

“Thank you so much! I could’ve never asked for how perfect this all is.” I said.

“Just one more bag.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow. 

“Where’s the other bag?” I asked. There wasn’t a bag on the bed, so I didn’t know what he was talking about. 

“Right here.” This bag was a bigger bag than I’d opened so far, and I was curious because this bag didn’t have a name on it or anything. I couldn’t pinpoint where on earth he’d gotten such a big bag, and it was interesting and full of mystery because there was no hints on what could be inside it. 

I glanced up at him and he just looked at me so I sighed and opened the bag, glancing down. Inside of the bag was a bunch of things that were in separate bags and one box. I picked up the box first and opened it. Inside the box were a pair of light pink converse shoes, and I was super excited. I had a boys pair, but I wanted a pair of girls all of my life. 

“I’ve always wanted a pair.” I said, and he nodded. 

“I’m glad I could get you some, then. I want you to be happy.” He said, and I smiled softly.

I reached back into the bag, pulling out a smaller bag. I opened the smaller bag and gasped. Inside of the bag was packs of hair ties, different kinds of barrettes and hair brushes. I grabbed the next bag and pulled out a curling iron and a straightener. I grabbed the final bag that was in the bag and smiled when I opened it. The bag had makeup of all sorts in it. Lipstick, eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara, blush, and so much more! I couldn’t wait to try it all on and see how I look in it! 

I glanced down at the bottom drawer for a moment and sighed deeply. “I love it all! Thank you so much!” I said before wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him. “I can’t believe you did all of this for me.” I said, and he laughed softly, wrapping his muscular arms around me and burying his face in my neck. I grimaced slightly but didn’t let go.

“I would do this for you daily, anything for you.” He said. “You should try it all on.” he said, and I nodded. 

I grabbed the breast forms and the glue to put them on and went over to the mirror and took off my shirt. I opened the plastic container that held them and picked them up, surprised at how soft they were. It was different to see them in my hands. I took the glue and read the directions quickly, and then read the directions on the back of the packaging for the breast forms and sighed deeply. I applied a thick layer of the glue all around the edges of the form, then the center lightly and then stuck it right over my nipple where it was suppose to go. I held it there until it dried. I did the other the same way, and sucked in a breath.

I looked in the mirror and almost cried. A year ago I couldn’t imagine seeing myself like this, and it was… euphoric. I loved the way it looks on me. I walked over to the bed and picked up the purple bra he got me and put it on. The bra pushed the breast forms together to make me have a little bit of cleavage and I looked over myself with a sigh. I felt like this looked like me . 

I turned and looked at Blake and he sucked in a breath. “I picked the right size, definitely.” He said, his eyes scanning over me. I blushed and bit my lip.

“Do you like it?” I asked, and he nodded. 

“You look amazing.” He said. I giggled softly and bit my lip. I took off my pants and underwear and put on the purple underwear and grabbed the shorts and the thigh high stockings and walked over to the mirror. I turned around and looked at my ass in the mirror. The black sheer fabric with polka dots on it was cute, and it made my ass look really good. The dark color contrasted with my skin tone well, and it made me look almost like my skin was glowing. I pulled the shorts up and buttoned them. I put the socks on next and sighed in relief when they came up to mid thigh. The shorts didn’t touch the stockings and it looked kind of sexy, actually. 

I walked over to the bed and sat down, grabbing a camisole and putting it on. I then grabbed the pink crop top and put it on. I grabbed the converse and put them on, then grabbed the makeup bag. I grabbed out the powder and opened it, looking at myself in the mirror and bit my lip. I grabbed the little pad inside the powder and rubbed some of the powder onto my face. I made sure that I evenly covered my face with it. I then took out one of the eye shadow palette and found a pink color used my finger to apply it to my eyelids. I took one of the eyeliner pencil and did my waterline, and messed up a little with the bottom one of my eye. 

I had never done makeup before, so it was a bit trial and error. Overall, I looked okay, my makeup could’ve been better but I was just proud to see myself this way. I felt so good, looking at myself in the mirror I looked like a different person. 

I felt different when I looked at myself. It was so exciting. 

“How do you feel?” Blake asked me as I put on the final touch, lipstick. I picked a natural light color. I bit my lip, and looked over at him.

“I feel good. It’s… definitely different, but I love it. I feel like myself in a way.” I said, and he nodded.

“Well, you look amazing.” Blake said, and I blushed and nodded. 

“I feel amazing.” I admitted.

He smiled, and patted me on the shoulder. “Lets go out back. I have sandwiches and stuff made downstairs so we can have lunch.” He said. I nodded. 

“You go on down and I’ll come down in a minute. I want to look at myself in the mirror.” I said and he nodded. 

“Alright, I’ll get stuff moved to the deck.” He said, and kissed me on the forehead. I smiled at him and watched as he left. I took my lemonade to the bathroom and poured it out, getting a little water and then walked back to my bedside table and grabbed the bottle of pills out of the bottom. I popped two into my mouth, and took a swig of the water, swallowing the pills quickly. I sat the glass of water back down on the table, put the pills back into the bottom drawer and shut it. I sighed deeply and walked out of the room and down to the deck. I smiled and sat down at the table, waiting for Blake. 

I was so happy, in this moment. Everything felt so great.

42. fємιиιzαтισи

~ I am unable to go back to being who I was, but for some reason, I’m completely okay with that.~

A S H T O N

Ever since Blake had bought me the feminine stuff, I’d been getting up earlier to get dressed. I kept the breast forms on pretty much all the time, only taking them off to sleep. I felt like I was almost coming into myself. It made me so happy to know that I was able to be myself. I loved dressing up like a girl. I didn’t really want to be a girl, though. It was confusing to me, because I didn’t understand myself. But, at the same time, I was okay with just being myself. 

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to label myself at all, but it felt wrong to dress s a girl and still go by guy pronouns. I don’t know what to call myself. I just want to be free from having to think about this shit. It’s really stressful. 

I stood up and walked up the stairs, going to the bedroom. I went over to my bedside table and took two of the pills. I swallowed them down and walked over to the mirror. I smiled as I looked over myself. 

I put my hair up in pigtails and curled them earlier so I looked really cute. I had also put on the skirt that Blake had bought me, the leggings, and a black camisole with lace at the top. I had also put on a bunch of makeup. I looked really cute today. I smiled softly and looked down at my shoes. The converse were really cute. I loved them so much.

I love everything about this me, so much. 

It was different from what I was use to. I love everything about this me. I was so pretty and happy, it was euphoric to me.

I smiled at myself in the mirror, taking my hands up to my chest. I cupped the forms with my hands, and squeezed them slightly. I was surprised that they felt pretty real, actually. I felt so good because I felt like myself for once in my life. Completely and unashamedly myself, and it wasn’t just a fabrication or something I was pretending to be. I felt better than I ever had before. 

A pleasant numbness started creeping up on me and I smiled, putting the pills back in the bottom drawer and walked downstairs. I sat on the couch and pulled out my computer, pulling up my school website and sighing quietly. I felt like I could do anything right now, almost. I felt so happy and free, like the whole world was just on the outside and I was inside. 

I felt like I was the only one in the world that could touch me. I didn’t know exactly how long it would last, but I felt safe in that moment. I felt like I could do anything, be anyone. It was freeing. Happy.

It was odd to see myself all dressed up and looking pretty but I felt amazing. Blake also really seemed to like it, so that was another plus for me. I loved to make him happy, and he enjoyed seeing me all dressed up and feminine for him. It made me feel more submissive, sexier even. I loved to look in the mirror and see the person he’s allowed me to become.

I’ve never felt more like myself and it was good.

I walked down to the living room and then through to the kitchen, grabbing a lemonade, and a peanut butter sandwich. Just as I was about to go sit back down on the couch in front of my computer to do some more school, Blake walked into the kitchen and my

“Hey there, princess. How’s school coming along?” Blake asked, and I sighed and shrugged a bit.

“It’s boring. I miss being in a classroom, honestly. But, I’m doing well, so that’s something.” I said, and he nodded his head.

“You can go back to regular school, if that’s what you want.” He said, and I shook my head immediately. I knew that I’d never get caught up if I went back to school, and with my appearance now, I’d definitely be picked on. I didn’t want anything to change because I’m happy with the way things are going right now. “If you’re happy then I’m happy. I love having you around the house. It really gives me something to do.”

“I like being home with you daddy.” I smiled, and bit my lip. “I just don’t know how I feel about not having anyone around to socialize with while I’m in my classes. Perhaps if you joined me I wouldn’t feel so lonely.”

“I really think I’d be more of a distraction than anything, princess.” Blake said, and I pouted a bit. I hated to admit it, but honestly, he was right.

I was about to speak but his phone rang and cut me off. He picked the phone up and sighed. “Hey, what’s up?” He asked hesitantly.

I couldn’t hear what the person on the other end of the line said, but by Blake’s expression I could tell that it wasn’t good. “Alright, look, don’t panic. Your father has no rights to you, he signed those over a long, long time ago.” Blake said, and I raised an eyebrow but he held up his finger indicating that he would explain in a moment.

“Your mother has been very sick for a long time, it’s okay. I’m glad they finally decided to hospitalize her. But, you’re not legal yet, so you’ll have to stay with someone who is capable of taking care of you.” Blake said, and my eyes widened. I was curious over who he was talking about, but I had an inkling of a feeling that I already knew.

A pause from Blake indicated that the person on the other end of the phone was talking, and from what little I could hear, the guy was in full panic mode. “Calm down, it’ll be okay. Ashton and I will come pick you up from your house. Tell them that your moms friend is on his way, that your mother made arrangements for this before she became sick, and that you have a safe place to go. I have to grab the documents from my office stating that this was the arrangement with your moms signature and mine, and then I’ll be there.”

The guy on the other end of the line sighed deeply enough for me to hear it, and then said something in response, before they cut the call. “We’ve gotta go get Puzzle, now.” Blake said. I raised my eyebrows skeptically.

“What’s going on?” I asked, as he started to walk really fast towards the door of the kitchen and towards the stairs.

“Simply put, Puzzle’s mother has been admitted indefinitely into the hospital and he has to be picked up by someone before they take him to his fathers house, which really isn’t an option for him.” Blake explained.

“Why was his mother admitted?” I asked, following him up the stairs and going into the bedroom to grab my backpack. I kept a lot of useful things in the backpack, so that if something like this ever happened, I would very easily be able to go.

“His mother is a paranoid Schizophrenic, who tries to harm herself weekly. Unfortunately, Puzzle didn’t catch her in time, and she succeeded, so now they are holding her at the hospital. Because her mental health is declining daily, her mother was given the right to admit her, and she finally did.” Blake explained. “But please do not tell Puzzle you know, I was never suppose to breathe a word of this to anyone, because it embarrasses him greatly.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed of!” I exclaimed. “It’s not like his mother can help it?” I asked, and Blake nodded.

“Not all things are as black and white as they appear, Ash. You’ll do well to remember that, darling. Now, I’m going to put these really important papers in your backpack, is that okay?” He asked, and I nodded.

“Of course, daddy.” I said, and he smiled and kissed me softly.

“Good girl. Let’s go.” He said, and I glanced down at myself. “You look fine. If you’d like to change, please hurry.” I shook my head.

“I just didn’t know if you’d be ashamed for someone you know so well to see me this way.” I said, and he shook his head.

“Of course not. Let’s go.” He said, and I smiled and nodded, picking up my newly zipped backpack and throwing it over my shoulder. I made sure to grab my headphones as we walked out the door. I got into the car, put my backpack at my feet, and pulled my legs up into the seat so I was sitting criss-crossed in the jeep seat. I buckled myself in and plugged in my headphones. I put one of them in the ear farthest from Blake so that he could still talk to me as he wished, but I could still listen to music.

I pulled up my messages and went to Damien’s chat, glancing down at his last reply.

Damien [2:15 pm]: Can I come over when school lets out?  

I glanced over at Blake. “Damien wants to know if he can come over when school lets out?” I asked him curiously.

“I don’t see why not. I would just tell him to wait because Marie’s house is about forty five minutes away with no traffic, so we probably won’t be home when he gets out, but we will be home about four thirty or five, so he should aim for one of those times.” Blake said, and I nodded.

“Sure!” I said.

Me [2:20 pm]: Blake said you could come over about four thirty or five, we have to go pick someone up from their house right now so we won’t even be home when you get out of school.

I sent him the message, and sighed deeply.

I couldn’t help but wonder about Puzzle. Blake’s house was definitely big enough for us all, but I did worry about Puzzle being around while I was dressing up and everything. I don’t know how he’s going to take it.

I haven’t even told Damien yet, and I worried quite a bit about it. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, especially since we’ve finally gotten to a place where I can fully call him a friend. Knowing that he actually cared about my well-being changed my outlook on him a bit. At first I thought he was just friends with me because the jocks didn’t fully accept him as a jock, so I was the only option he had… But after seeing the messages he’d left me when I had my surgery I felt somewhat better.

Damien and I were starting to really get on well, and I was excited because I’d never felt like I really had friends before.  Since I’ve relaxed, and he’s stopped talking shit about Blake, things have been a lot different between us, and I liked it.

“You excited about seeing Damien?” Blake asked, and I shrugged.

“Kind of. Is that weird?” I asked, and he shook his head.

“It’s not.” Blake said. “Just see how things go. Forgive, but don’t forget. He was mean to you, but he seems to have things together now… If it’ll last, and you can have a friend, I’ll be happy. But I want you to be prepared for if something happens and he pulls a dick move again.” Blake explained and I nodded.

“Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, I know.” I giggled softly and shook my head. “Do you think I should change before he gets to our house?” I asked, and he shook his head.

“If you want to. I’m not going to tell you when you should share this side of yourself. If you want to, then do. If not, It’s totally okay with me.” He said.

“Do you think he’ll hate me?” I asked him cautiously.

“I don’t think anyone could hate you, darling. You’re a handful, but you’re utterly lovable in every way. He may not understand it, but if he is a true friend then he’ll want whatever makes you happy.” He said.

“I think I want to tell him.” I said, and he nodded.

“I am glad that you’re getting confidence.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow. “You’ve always been arrogant, that’s part of what attracted me to you. Confidence is something you’ve always been lacking.” He explained and I shook my head.

“You were attracted to me because I was arrogant ?” I asked confused. “I didn’t know I was arrogant, but I didn’t think anyone found arrogance attractive.”

“I like bratty boys. I can’t help it. And your arrogance just showed me how much you needed someone to show you the facts of life. Besides, it worked out alright, right?” He asked and I shrugged. “I didn’t mean it as a derogatory statement, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He said, and I shook my head.

“No, I just realized how much a dick I must’ve seemed like.” I said, and he shook his head.

“I didn’t think you were a dick. I thought that you were insecure about your sexuality, and unhappy with your home life so you developed a personality that would keep people away from you so that no one would ever get to know the real you. I just was able to see through it.” Blake said.

“But do you think that everyone else was able to see through it too?” I asked.

“Maybe, I am not everyone else. But I’m sure that Damien knows.” He said. I raised an eyebrow.

“How?” I asked, as he pulled into the driveway of a little house. There were two cop cars on the street, and Puzzle sat on the front porch, a couple bags, and a few boxes sitting beside him as two cops stared out at our car.

“Long story, but I can tell. I need that paperwork. You sit here.” He said, and I nodded obediently. I reached down and grabbed it out of my bag, and handed it to Blake. He smiled at me and walked up to the porch Puzzle was sitting on. I slipped my second earbud in, and stared out the window. I noticed that all the little houses here were run down, stuff piled on the porches. The lawns on some of them were left without care, the grass looked like it’d come up to my shins, at least. It was a bit offsetting, knowing that some people out there don’t care about their homes. But, I also had to wonder if there was a reason that they hadn’t been cared for.

Perhaps the people work too much, or can’t afford a lawn mower? I don’t know.

After a few minutes, Blake picked up a couple boxes and one of the cops picked up another, and moved them to the car. I watched as they walked past me in the car but didn’t make a motion to acknowledge me.

I shrugged it off, knowing they probably all had more pressing things going through their heads. I watched as Puzzle grabbed his backpack and carried it down to the car, getting in the back seat. He looked sad, beyond sad… and I couldn’t help but feel a bit of empathy towards him. I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure what.

I mean, I’m not even suppose to know what happened, so I can’t vocalize what I’m truly thinking. But, then, at the same time, saying nothing seemed so thoughtless… rude… and the last thing I wanted to come off as is rude.

“Hey Ash.” Puzzle said, and I smiled at him and took one of the earbuds out.

“Hey! I was wondering when I was going to see you again!” I said. “I’m excited that you’re getting to come stay with us.” I said.

“You are?” He asked, looking shocked.

“Yeah!” I said, and he bit his lip.

“I–Why?” He asked.

“It’ll be fun to have someone to hang out with. We can have all sorts of fun.” I said, and he smiled a bit, cautious.

“Okay… sounds fun.” He said, and I smiled. “What are you listening to?” He asked hesitantly.

“Halsey.” I said, and he nodded.

“I like her.” He said, and I smiled.

“Maybe Blake will let us use the stereo on the way home…” I said, and he nodded.

“Who’s DJ’ing?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“Why don’t we Rock-Paper-Scissors it?” I asked. He nodded.

“That sounds… oddly fair.” He said, and I raised my eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to keep from sounding offended. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t meaning it as an insult towards me, but he was acting so different from the last time I met him, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was he scared of me?

“I-I just… haven’t been getting things fairly lately.” He didn’t elaborate, but my offense melted away as I felt a bolt of empathy towards him resurface. He didn’t know that I knew what he’d been going through so it wasn’t surprising that he wasn’t elaborating. I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed around me. For some reason, ever since I was faced with the possibility of death I’ve been rethinking… and I wanted to be a different person.

I wanted to be confident, not arrogant. I wanted to be empathetic to others, care, and have friends. I wanted to be accepted, and I wanted to accept other people as well. I wanted to change, and start being my best me.

And, I couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride as I realized… I was already becoming a better person just by accepting that I needed to change, and taking steps to do just that. 

The rear of the jeep was shut and it caught my attention. I watched Blake shake hands with the officer and they exchanged words, before he walked back to his car, and Blake came and got in. “You two ready to head home?” He asked, and I nodded at the same time Puzzle did. He smiled at me as he started the car. “So, who’s going to torment me tonight?” He asked, and Puzzle laughed a bit, seeming more relaxed now that Blake was around.

“I lost, sorry.” I said, and Puzzle laughed and all the sudden he started playing some rap. I laughed, unable to contain it. I can tell already that Puzzle and I are going to be friends.

At least I hoped so.

43. мєтα¢σgиιтισи

~ Understanding people and their emotions is hard, but understanding one’s thought process is harder…~

A S H T O N

The ride home from Puzzle’s house had been filled with rap music, Blake rolling his eyes at Puzzle as he drove and Puzzle purposefully playing songs that would make Blake cringe. I couldn’t help but laugh, because Blake was holding his tongue and playing annoyed drums on the steering wheel with his index fingers at every red light we hit.

It was funny to see Blake so deeply affected by something, because he always seemed so calm and relaxed. I didn’t typically listen to rap, and Blake still didn’t like me to play music. Blake seemed to prefer older rock music like Mudvayne and Avenged Sevenfold while I enjoyed pop and indie. Blake also liked to keep classical music playing in the background while he worked, while I played lofi hip-hop. I had been allowed to use the stereo before and he seemed fine, but now I could see the vein in his forehead popping out.

I didn’t exactly take Puzzle as someone who’d listen to rap, either, so it was a bit funny that he’d play nothing but rap all the way to our house. I spent most of my time texting in the car, so I didn’t really care what he played, but I suppose if you’re trying to concentrate on what you’re doing and you have a genre of music you don’t like circulating in your head, you’re bound to be a little grumpy. I reached my hand out and rested it on Blake’s thigh, and he relaxed under my touch.

He relaxed just in time to park the car in the driveway without driving through the garage, so I guess that’s something. “Puzzle, you’re never in charge of the radio again.” He said, and I laughed a little.

“It wasn’t that bad!” Puzzle exclaimed, rolling his eyes. “Besides, we made it here alive, and that’s the point.” He said, and Blake groaned loudly.

“I’ll gladly take Ashton’s playlist over you, at least he doesn’t intentionally torture me!” Blake said, unbuckling his seat belt and swinging open his car door. I followed suit, getting out of the car and pulling my skirt down in the back. I grabbed my backpack and threw it over my shoulder. I walked around to the back of the jeep and opened the trunk, grabbing one of the bags out. I yelped as the bag was heavier than I was expecting and I dropped it.

“Darling, those are heavy,” Blake said, glancing at me.

“I can tell.” I said, shaking my hand to try and get the pain out of it.

“You okay? Do I need to kiss it better?” He asked teasingly, and I felt my dick jump beneath my skirt, unable to control the flash of images through my head. I missed him having his way with me, it had been so fun when he was all over me. I suppose it’ll be hat way again once he deems that I’m healthy enough for him to be rough with, but until then we can just keep having slow sex. I suppose slow is better than none, and it’s not like it’s a big deal. Sex isn’t the most important thing in the world.

It’s just a close second. I shook my head and almost laughed.

“Hey,” I heard and turned around in a hurry. I was face to face with Damien. I immediately full-body blushed, and rushed to try to explain but he didn’t give me a chance. “Do you guys need some help with that?” He asked, and Blake nodded.

“Sure thing.” Blake said as he picked up a box, and Damien walked over picked up one of the boxes, and grabbed the bag on the ground I’d dropped. My mouth shot open to say something about how I was going to get it, but I figured that I would have to drag the bag across the cement, and up the stairs so it’d be less damaging to Puzzle’s belongings if I just let them do it.

I glanced over at Puzzle to see him following Damien with his eyes. I didn’t comment, but I could tell by a glance that Puzzle was attracted to Damien. Damien wasn’t unattractive to say the least, I just had known him so long that I didn’t really look at him as someone I could be with. Plus, I think he’s straight. Maybe. I don’t know because I had kept being gay a secret, and while I was more obvious about it, perhaps he isn’t?

“Let’s go,” Puzzle said, grabbing the bag that was left in the jeep and hauling it over his shoulder and carrying it up to the porch. I sighed as I watched him go, closing the trunk of the jeep and running after him.

I never pictured sharing a house with another guy my age because I’d been with Blake for so long. I can’t even remember how long we’ve been together now, at this point. I knew it’d been like six to eight months, but it seemed like it had been so much longer. I walked into the house, shutting the door behind me.

“Thanks for helping Damien. I didn’t know you were on your way, but it would’ve taken me six trips to get all of Puzzle’s things in.” Blake said, and I glanced around, seeing that Puzzle wasn’t in the living room anymore. I assumed that meant he’d went upstairs to the guest room to get settled in.

“It’s no problem, really. I don’t mind helping.” Damien said.

“Well, you and Ash go hang out, I’m going to make a call.” Blake said, and I nodded, stepping forward and heading towards the kitchen. Blake walked up the stairs and to the office, I heard the door shut and sighed.

“Let’s go out on the deck,” I suggested. He nodded, and motioned me ahead of him. I walked to the door and opened it, leading him out onto the deck. I sighed deeply feeling anxious, I wasn’t sure what to say. I had expected to tell him, but, I hadn’t expected him to see me like this until I talked to him.

“So…” I said, unsure of what to say.

“So this is new.” He said gesturing to my body.  I shrugged and glanced down at myself.

“I was planning on coming home and changing, and then explaining everything to you but you were here when we got here…” I trailed off.

“No, I’m not upset, don’t think that. It’s just different, you know… I never thought I would see you as a female.” He said, and I shrugged a bit. “So, do you go by different pronouns now, or… what?” He asked.

“It depends. When I’m dressed, Blake calls me a girl, but when I’m not, it’s different.” I explained, and he nodded.

“So you’re genderfluid?” He asked, and I shrugged again.

“I don’t really know, honestly. I just know that sometimes I feel more feminine than other times, so I dress up.” I said, and he nodded.

“I’m really glad that you were honest with me about it, even though you didn’t really get the chance not to be. I don’t care what you look like, or what you identify as. We’ve been friends for so long, almost siblings… I just want to see you truly happy.” He said, and I bit my lip.

“I was so nervous,” I laughed, and he shrugged a bit.

“It’s not the end of the world. You’re not killing people, abducting defenseless children or tearing people apart with barbed wire. You’re cross-dressing. And whether or not that’s a big deal to some religious people you know I think all of that is bullshit anyway.” He said, and I laughed again, feeling sort of relieved. I would have been okay if Damien hadn’t accepted it, the world wouldn’t have ended, but he was my friend, and I really think it would’ve hurt my feelings. It’s not like I’ve got people tearing down the door to be friends with me.

“I know,” I said, and he laughed. “I just… some people don’t like it because of other reasons, I guess, just because they think it’s gross or wrong…” I said.

“Seriously? That’s stupid. But, I would accept you if you were dressing up like a poptart and running around parks offering those little poptart mini’s to people.” I smiled as he rolled his eyes. “Don’t judge me, I’m trying to think of things that’ll make you laugh. Besides, we’re friends, nothing is gonna change that, even this.”

“I’m not judging you.” I said, and he shrugged.

“I’m just sayin’ because that’d be rude.” He said, and looked back through the glass door. “Who’s that?” He asked.

“That’s Blake’s friends son. He’s staying with us for a little while.” I said, and he nodded. “So, how’s school?” I asked.

“Pretty damn miserable, honestly.” He admitted. “Since you’re gone, I’m stuck with the jocks all the time, I can feel myself becoming one of them.”

“That’ll be miserable, truly.” I said, and he laughed a bit.

“I have actually been doing better in school, though. Decided that I had to get serious about life, since my dad left.” He said, and I glanced at him and sucked in a breath.

“Your dad left? When?!” I demanded, suddenly worried. Damien cared a lot about his dad, and his mom, but he looked up to his dad. He wanted to be just like him, that’s why he joined sports, and started doing weight-lifting and all of his jock things.

“Well, it was when we weren’t talking, and I didn’t really want to talk about it after we started talking again, so it’s kinda just slipped my mind, honestly. I can think of so many better things to talk about than my dad finding a mistress, knocking her up and leaving my mom and I.” He said, and I sighed deeply.

“That’s horrible. What a jerk.” I said, and he nodded.

“He is, but that’s just life. So, I guess we never really talked about what happened with your parents, either…” He said, and I bit my lip.

“Well, I accidentally told my dad I was gay when he was drunk so he beat me really badly, and went upstairs, so I cleaned up the mess like he said, and I called Blake. He’s been taking care of me ever since.” I said.

“Does your mom know? She came to me a couple weeks ago at the grocery store and was asking how you were.” He said, and I nodded.

“She watched him, and didn’t say anything to him.” I said, and he groaned.

“Wow, what a cunt.” He said, and I shrugged.

“I’m kind of over it. I still flinch when someone knocks on the door because my dad came over here the day after it all went down, but I haven’t seen either of them since. My mom hasn’t reached out to talk to me, or anything. I filed a restraining order against my dad because he kept trying to claim that Blake had kidnapped me, or something.” I said.

“Damn. I’m so sorry. That’s some bullshit. If your mom ever asks about you again, what do you want me to tell her?” He asked.

“The truth. That since I’m able to be free, and be who I am, I’m happy.” I told him. He nodded.

“I’d kinda like to tack on a couple of extra words there…” He murmured, and rolled his eyes. “Man, I knew your parents were strict, but I didn’t know they were like that…”

“I know, I kind of thought that it was possible that something like that would happen. I just thought they’d kick me out, not beat me. But, you know, I’m happier because of what they did. I haven’t been this happy in a long time.” I said, and he nodded.

“I’m glad you’re happy, I just wish you could’ve left on your own, without them hurting you.” He said. “So how’s your head doing? Still having headaches?” He asked, and I shook my head no.

“It’s a little sore, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. I suppose it’s not serious like it was.” I said, and he bit his lip.

“Did I cause it?” He asked after pausing. I shook my head no.

“I’m pretty sure my dad caused it,” I said. Though it would’ve been started when I was a kid, he didn’t need to know that. He didn’t need to feel guilty over something that he didn’t even know would result in anything. And, there’s no reason to trudge up something we’ve finally moved past. I was over it, and while him pushing me out of the tree house caused a slight case of it, it wasn’t what triggered me having to have surgery. That was my dad, and that’s all he needed to know.

“I mean the headaches started young…” He said softly, looking sadly over at me. I could see the guilt swimming behind his eyes.

“Dame, it’s okay, really. I lived for fifteen years with those headaches, and it was never anything to worry about then. So, just let it go? My head is better, and no matter what started it, it’s over and I’m okay.” I said softly, and he nodded.

“I guess you’re right. But, it still feels like I played a part in it.” He said, and I shook my head.

“I definitely don’t think so.” I said, and he nodded. He paused for a moment again, and then he wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m so sorry, Ash.” He cried.

I’ve never seen him cry before, and it broke my heart a little. “It’s okay, Damien, really. You didn’t cause it.” He continued to hold onto me, and cry.

“I’ve been such a dick to you, and all this time, I could’ve killed you!” He was getting too upset, and I didn’t know how to help him. I didn’t want him to feel sad.

“I wasn’t nice to you either. But, I forgive you! It’s okay, Damien.” I said, and he sucked in a deep breath and pulled away from me.

“I deserved it,” He said softly, his blue eyes searching mine. I smiled a bit and patted him on the hand.

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll always be friends,” I said, and he nodded. I rested my head over on his shoulder as we both fell silent. It felt nice to finally be at peace. Damien wiped his eyes on his hand and sighed deeply.

For a moment, everything was silent, and I could hear crickets sounding around us. I felt at ease, finally. Blake and I were good, finally beginning to have sex again. Damien and I are  back on speaking terms, and better friends than we ever had been before. And Puzzle was coming into my life, and possibly being friends with me. I was excited for how the future looked.

I thought I heard Damien murmur something, that sounded like I love you, but I just shook it off. It was probably my head playing tricks on me. I lifted my head up and glanced inside.

“I’m going to go invite Puzzle out to hang out.” I said, and he nodded his head. I felt his eyes lingering on me as I walked away, but I didn’t pause. I leaned inside to call for Puzzle. Puzzle came running down the stairs, his eyes bloodshot.

“Ye-yeah?” He asked.

“Come out, it’s beautiful outside tonight. Plus it’ll be fuuuuun!” I called, and he shrugged and made his way down beside me. As he walked out to the deck, I smelled something on him but I couldn’t place the scent. It was a little piney, but a little fruity. But it was strong.

Perhaps I’ll google it later, but for now, I’m just going to hang out with Puzzle and Damien and have fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve chilled out and just had fun.

44. αѕѕιмιℓαтισи

~ Things are confusing, so difficult and I’m unsure… What have I become?~

A S H T O N

Damien left a little while after Puzzle came out, saying that he had to go to sleep for school in the morning. I’d completely forgotten about Damien having to get up extra early in the mornings for school because I didn’t have to do it myself anymore. It had sucked a lot when I went to public school, but because I’m in online school, my classes don’t start until eight thirty or nine, depending on what classes I have. It was so great to not have to worry about getting up in the morning. Of course, I usually do anyway to get ready, but I don’t have to worry if I wake up at seven instead of six. I just have to wait until lunch to get dressed. 

I was pretty lonely in school, though. It was boring to sit there alone.

I was halfway curious about if Puzzle was going to be going to online school. That’d be really cool, because then I could have fun, and learn. I wouldn’t have to be alone, but I could still get caught up. It seemed perfect, but if Blake didn’t want to put him in online school, it’d be okay. 

I sighed deeply and glanced up at the sky. “I’m hungry as hell.” Puzzle mused, a sleepy look in his eye. I raised my eyebrow and shrugged. 

“I think there’s chips in the kitchen?” I asked, and he nodded.

“I really want some ice cream.” He said, and I shrugged.

“There may be some in there. Just gotta look.” I said, and he nodded again. He was looking rather tired, but happy at the same time. 

“I’ll be back.” He said, standing up and walking to the kitchen. I watched him dig through the freezer and he smiled and grabbed something out, then disappeared around the fridge for a moment. Then he walked back out to the deck, shutting the door firmly behind him. “Got ice cream.” He said, and I nodded. He sat down, the whole bucket in his lap and dug in with a spoon. “Would you like some?” He asked. I shook my head no. 

“I’m okay,” I murmured, watching the stars. “So what school are you going to?” I asked.

“I’m not in school anymore, I dropped out.” He said, and I nodded.

“Okay,” I said, unsure of what to say. Do I apologize and ask why? Or do I just let it go, and not say anything? I wasn’t sure what the correct thing to say would be. It was a difficult thing to talk about, just because my parents had ingrained in me since I was young. I had never thought about leaving school, or anything like that. It was really hard to think about leaving. 

“I left school to take care of my mom.” He said, and shrugged. “It was worth it, you know?” He said, and I nodded. 

“I can understand it,” I said, and he nodded.

“It’s complicated, I’m sure you understand. You seem rather complicated, too.” He said, and I raised my eyebrow.

“How so?” I asked. I was beginning to feel anxious. I was getting a little cool, as well. 

“Just are,” He said, looking over me. His gaze was searching, as if he was picking me apart piece by piece. I was anxious under his glance, and he didn’t seem to stop looking at me for a while, but once he did, I was glad. Somehow, I felt like he could almost read my mind and that was terrifying. I glanced down at the clock on my phone and saw it was midnight. 

“Alright, well I’ve got school tomorrow I should probably sleep some.” I said, standing up and going inside. I hurried up the stairs, and shut the bedroom door behind me. I went over the the beside table and took two of the pills and grabbed the glass of water on my beside table. I kept it there in the daytime so that I could easily and inconspicuously take the pills without raising suspicion about running down to the kitchen often. 

I stood up and took off my shoes and clothes, glancing down at my naked body. I loved the way I looked with the breast forms on. They looked like they were real, and it made me so happy. I wasn’t sure why but it was amazing. 

I put on a tank top and some warm fuzzy pants and laid on the bed, sighing deeply. I was ready for Blake to come into the room and hold me so I could sleep. I knew that I would be able to sleep without him, but I only ever felt really safe when he was with me. 

I felt the pills begin working, and as much as I fought against sleep, nestled on his bed with his scent surrounding me, I fell asleep.

Morning came much too early for me. While I had been expecting it, I wasn’t ready for it. So when I woke up to kisses on my cheek I groaned and shook my head. “Not ready yet!” I whined, drawing out the ‘t’ so that it sounded more whiny. Blake laughed against my neck and I shook my head. “Not funny!” 

“It is, you sound like a child,” he teased, and I moaned.

“No!” I groaned, annoyed at being woke up. “I just want a few more minutes of sleep. Five. Please?” I asked, and he laughed again.

“No, you’ll regret going back to sleep because you won’t have time to get dressed and put on makeup, or do your hair…” He said, and I moaned because I knew he was right. I enjoyed getting dressed up and looking cute, especially when I was going to school. Sometimes they’ll let you turn on the camera and talk in class, and while I haven’t gotten the courage to do that yet, I still wanted to sometime. 

I just had to wait until I had the courage to do it, whenever that may be. “Okay.” I said, scrunching my eyes up and yawning loudly. “I just want to point out that school starts entirely too early.” I said, sitting up and leaning back onto my palms. Blake nodded, and rolled his eyes. I glanced down and saw that the comforters were covering me up to my waist, where it’d fallen down when I sat up. 

“When I got in here you were shivering,” Blake elaborated. I nodded. “I was hoping to have a couple minutes with you to talk last night before you went to bed. But, Puzzle came to get me and told me you’d been acting strange, and that you’d gone to bed. When I came in to check on you, you were out cold.” He said.

“It was a long, confusing day.” I said, biting my lip. 

“How’d it go with Damien?” He asked me, watching as I pushed the comforter off and stood up. I pulled my pajama pants down and ran my finger along the waistband of my panties. I loved the way they hugged my hips and made me look feminine. I glanced over at Blake and shrugged, going over to the closet and grabbing a pair of tight skinny jeans and a tank top. I pulled the jeans up my legs and pulled my pajama shirt off, glancing down at my chest. The forms were still on tight as when I first put them on.

“He didn’t seem to mind,” I said, and blinked slowly, thinking back to last night. Had he said he loved me? I couldn’t tell because whatever he’d said was so quiet I couldn’t really make it out. It was a strange thought, to think that Damien could like me. I didn’t look at him that way at all.

“That’s good. I figured he wouldn’t.” Blake said, and glanced up and down me. “You going to put on a bra to hide those nipples or are you gonna tempt me all day?” He teased, and I shrugged a bit. 

“I don’t feel like putting one on, and they don’t really need support because they stay on by themselves, so I’m going bra free today. Guess you’ll just have to contain yourself until lunch.” I said, biting my lip teasingly.

“Lunch it is, then. Where’d all the ice cream go last night?” Blake asked, and I laughed, covering my mouth with the palm of my hand.

“I think Puzzle must’ve ate it all.” I said, and he nodded.

“Damn stoner, eating my ice cream.” He grumbled, rolling his eyes. “He’s lucky that I’ve known him since he was knee high to a grasshopper…” 

“Stoner? He smokes weed?” I asked, suddenly curious. I’d never smoked weed before, but Damien had, and he told me it was a lot of fun. 

“Yeah, he’s got ADHD and he’s got a medical marijuana card for it.” Blake said. “I hear it’s really good to help with pain, too. Puzzle has scoliosis, and he said it helps with his back pain.” 

“Oh?” I asked, and he nodded. “I’ve never smoked weed.” I admitted, and Blake shook his head and laughed a bit.

“That’s right, you were a perfect angel when I met you. Never breaking the rules at all.” He said, and I nodded. “Weed is a plant, I don’t see why you shouldn’t smoke it, so if you want to try it you can. It’s a hell of a lot better than pain pills and other drugs that do similar things.” Blake said, and I bit my lip. 

“Why are pain pills bad for you?” I asked, acting like I was just curious.

“For one, they are majorly addictive. And withdrawing off of them once you’ve been on them a while is hell. It can kill you. You become physically dependent on them, and then you develop a tolerance to them so you have to take more and more until eventually you overdose.” He paused for a moment. “When you overdose, you can die. Also, you can develop sleep apnea, neurotoxicity, depression…” He trailed off. “Essentially it affects the release of all of the hormones of the person who is taking them. It can make it easier to break bones, or even get sick easier. That’s why the doctors were so quick to take you off of them.” 

“Oh.” I said, suddenly feeling a bit nauseous. I hadn’t realized how bad they were until I asked him, but now I was a little worried, but pushed it aside. I’m not addicted to them, I’m just using them until I stop hurting. Once that’s over and done with, I’ll stop.

“Yeah,” He said, and I nodded. “What would you like for breakfast?” He asked.

“Whatever you’d like to cook,” I said, and he nodded. “I’d really like some pancakes, though. No syrup, lots of butter.” I said, and he smiled a bit and rolled his eyes.

“I knew you had a preference. Anyway, hurry up and get ready.” He said, and I nodded obediently. He smiled at me and walked over to the door. “Oh, and I took your glass downstairs. It was looking dirty. You may need to switch the glasses out, once in a while.” He said, and I glanced over at the nightstand. I was suddenly anxious. I calmed myself in a hurry, reminding myself that I’ve drank out of my hands from the water hose plenty of times when I was a kid. It would be pretty simple to do it again. And less suspicious.

“Oh, I forgot it was even up here.” I laughed, and he smiled and shook his head. 

“Well, water stagnates, so I hope you didn’t accidentally drink any of it last night,” He said, and I shook my head no. I knew it wasn’t stagnant, I made sure to change the water daily, I just made sure to leave it at the same place every time I drank out of it to take my pills so it’d look like it was forgotten.

“Alright, I didn’t. But, I’ll be more careful next time daddy,” I said, and he nodded. “Thanks for the pancakes. I’m gonna go put on some makeup. I’ll come down when I’m done!” I said, and he nodded again.

“Alright princess. Try not to stab yourself in the eye, I don’t want you to accidentally blind yourself.” He said, and I nodded and smiled. He walked out the bedroom door and shut it, leaving me alone. I ran over to the bedside table and took two of the pills out, taking them and putting them in my hand. I shut the bottle and put it back in the bedside table, before going to the bathroom and running the water. 

I popped the pills into my mouth and cupped my hands under the water, getting some in my hands. I put my hands up to my mouth and swallowed some of the water with the two pills. I sighed deeply and sat down on the toilet seat, resting my face in my palms. 

When did life get this complicated? When did I have to start lying to Blake, the one person who’s always been good to me, never lied to me, or hurt me? I wasn’t sure I liked who I was becoming, but I didn’t know where to begin to fix it. How do I fix a problem when I don’t even know what the problem is?

45. fяαgмєитαтισи

~ I can feel you picking apart each part of me, trying to figure me out.~

A S H T O N

I found myself sitting down at the kitchen table, laptop in front of me as I tried(and failed)to pay attention to school. I was feeling nervous, shaky and a bit uncertain. What Blake had said was circling in my head like a mantra and I couldn’t help feeling anxious. It was all I could do just to keep my head on straight and act like nothing was wrong.

I had known that there were risks to taking opiates, but I just didn’t realize how bad the risks could be. I thought back to what he’d said about Puzzle and weed… Perhaps I should talk to Puzzle about it and see what he said. I’m sure that he would be able to shed some light on the situation and give me some halfway decent advice. I mean, what could it hurt? He could tell Blake, but honestly, I was sure that Blake would find out eventually. I’m not a good liar, and he was very smart. He may be missing it now because he’s got other things on his mind but he will pick up on it. 

“Hey darling, I just got called in to work. I know we had lunchtime plans… do you think we can shift them down to dinnertime plans?” He asked, a little smirk playing on his lips as he looked over me. I blushed a bit, feeling aroused by the look he was giving me. I had always loved the way he looked at me when he was thinking about sex. I wasn’t sure what it was but it really set me on fire inside. 

“Oh… sure! That’s fine.” I said, and he nodded. 

“If you need food, ask Puzzle to cook for you. He’s really good. Do your schoolwork. If Damien wants to come over that’s fine but your schoolwork has to be done first. Don’t play really loud music, or break anything.” Blake said. 

“I… never do?” I asked. 

“I know. I’m saying it because of the stoner upstairs who likes to blare lo-fi hip-hop or whatever when he’s baked. And he gets really stoned sometimes and he’ll get clumsy… Eh, I don’t really need to explain. Just watch him, and ask him for food if you need it.” He said. 

“Daddy, I’m having a really hard time focusing on school right now. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me today.” I said, and he nodded. He pressed the back of his hand to my forehead and his brow crinkled. 

“Well, you’re not running a fever. I guess just relax some, it’s been pretty hectic around here the past day. You’ll catch up tomorrow, yes?” He asked, and I nodded.

“Promise, daddy.” He smiled as I said it and kissed my forehead.

“Good girl. Don’t let that heathen anywhere near my sound system. He’ll get us evicted. Seriously.” He said, and I nodded, going over to sit on the couch after I closed my laptop. Luckily today I didn’t have any classes, just online coursework. That made it easier to slack off because the teachers couldn’t be all judgmental. 

“I won’t, I promise.” He smiled and waved as he walked out the door. I watched him walk down the driveway and to his jeep, get in and shut the door and off he was, leaving me alone with Puzzle and his rules. 

Honestly, I have never even seen the sound system, so I doubt that Puzzle will be able to find it. And I don’t think that there’s much breakable stuff in the house, at least not from what I could tell. Though I guess if you fall on a table that’s wood hard enough, it’ll break. But as far as glass things, Blake didn’t have any. Except for the few pictures on the walls, which I didn’t think Puzzle would be able to break. I think he’s just paranoid.

I stood up and walked up the stairs, going to Puzzle’s room. I knocked on the door and he groaned loudly and I heard him stomping on the floor and then he flung the door open, a wild–albeit sleepy look in his eyes. “Goddammit Blake I told you I would–!” He paused when he saw me and smiled a bit. “Sorry, I thought you were Blake. Come in.” Puzzle said, and I nodded, walking into the room a bit anxiously. I don’t know what I was expecting as a room for Puzzle. Maybe cluttered, disorganized, and smelling completely like weed. But it wasn’t.

His entire room was prestige, notebooks stacked up neatly(only the composition books, none of the spirals)a couple of pens laying neatly in a line, his laptop set up in the center, closed. He had a stack of books neatly lined by height on the bookshelf, and he had the closet door shut, but I was sure if it was open everything in the closet would be impeccable. 

I sat down on the edge of the bed, being careful not to bother any of his belongings. I didn’t have to ask to find out if Puzzle had OCD, it was blatantly obvious. I figured he’d lose his shit if I touched anything and moved it the slightest bit. 

“So what did you need?” He asked, and I shrugged a bit.

“I was bored,” I lied, feeling guilty. I don’t know if I can talk to him about this. It was so embarrassing, and it probably would be better to just do it all by myself. It wouldn’t be as awkward or weird.

“Ah. Well I heard what Blake was saying earlier.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow. “I have really exceptional hearing. It can be quite a pain sometimes. Doctors say they’ve never seen anything like it. But, with my mom I always had to listen even when I was asleep.” He said, and I nodded, looking a bit confused.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“About the pills. And that got me thinking… why would a goody two shoes want to know about the side effects of pills?” He asked, and I bit my lip and shrugged. 

“Curiosity?” I choked out, anxiety beginning to swim in my stomach. I felt cold, unsure of what to say or do. 

“I knew from the day in the car that you were on something I just couldn’t put my finger on it.” He said, and I raised my eyebrows and looked over him skeptically. “I was curious at first over if it was an illegal street drug, but I realized you’d never know anyone who sold drugs. So, I’ve been trying to piece it all together. I’m gonna shoot a guess… Xanax?” He asked, and I shook my head no.

“I don’t…” I sighed deeply and sucked in a breath. He knows, he’s known all along. I might as well follow this through. “Oxycontin.”  I said, and he nodded.

“Opiates. Really need to kick that habit.” He said, and I sucked in a breath.

“I’m not addicted.” I said, not feeling so confident in saying that as I did yesterday. I hadn’t been able to think of anything else all day. Was I addicted, and just lying to myself?

“Liar. You may not even know it yet. But, I know the signs.” He said, and I shrugged a bit. 

“I want to stop taking them.” I admitted softly, biting my lip. 

“I’ve never taken them personally. But, I know my friend Weaver did for a little while.” He said, and I nodded. “I remember what he did to stop. Basically, take half the dose you usually would. Or if you haven’t been on them long, take none.” He said. 

“I was taking them because my head is still really sore. It helped with the pain.” I elaborated. “I have only been on them since the surgery.”

“You’ll probably withdraw a bit, I’ll try to help you through it. Where are they?” He asked. 

“Bedside table by my bed.” I said, and he nodded.

“Are you sure you want to go cold turkey?” He asked, and I bit my lip and nodded. “Okay, lets go flush them nasty little fuckers.” He said, and I nodded. The thought of him flushing them made me sick. I was getting anxious just thinking about it. “Already anxious, eh? We’ll smoke some pot when we get done. It’ll calm you down, and from what Weaver told me helps with the withdrawing symptoms.” He said, and I nodded. I led him to Blake and I’s room, and got the pills out of the drawer, and handed him them. He glanced at them, and nodded, taking the bottle to the bathroom. 

“You coming?” He asked, and I shook my head no. He nodded, and opened the bottle, and poured them into the toilet. I looked away, panic beginning to ball in my stomach. When he flushed the toilet I jumped.

My mind immediately started racing. What have I done? I didn’t think this through. In a couple of hours, my head will be aching and it’ll regret it! I started hyperventilating, my heart racing in my chest. A hand on my shoulder made me jump again, and I bit back a sob. I’m so stupid! I should’ve never gone to him about helping me. I don’t need help. It’s not an addiction.

“Ash, it’s gonna be okay. This is your mind, telling you that you need them. You don’t.” He said, and wrapped his arms round me. I sank into the touch, letting him hug me. I forced myself to breathe slower, letting his touch calm me. “It’s okay, I’m not gonna let anything happen to you, I promise.” He said.

“Promise?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Promise. Let’s go. We’ll go into my room, smoke a bit, and go downstairs and make food.” He said, and I bit my lip.

“I’ve never smoked before.” I said, and he nodded. 

“If you don’t want to, then it’s okay, but it may help.” He said, and I nodded. 

“I will try it,” I said, and he nodded. He led me to the bedroom he was staying in and pulled out a little, round thing that had a bowl connected to a short little spout. “What’s that?” I asked, and he handed it to me. 

“That, little one, is a bowl. You put the weed here, use a lighter and the smoke comes from the hole in the bottom of the bowl to the end of the pipe. After that you inhale. Hold it for a minute or two, and then blow it out. Don’t hold it too long, just for a moment or two.” He explained. I nodded, looking over it. 

“It’s pretty.” I said. He nodded. “How much did it cost?” I asked.

“For what it is, cheap. It was 45$. But it was hand crafted, and completely original. If you look at the bottom side it says my name on it. The man who made it does custom ones, for twenty dollars extra.” He explained, taking it from me and grabbing a little circular thing. He twisted the top a couple times, and then opened the center part. The inside of the little thing was filled with what looked like dried oregano or something. “This is a grinder. You put the bud in the top, grind it up, and the center part catches it. The bottom part catches the herb that’s more finely ground up that slips through the holes in the bottom of the center part. It’s really handy if you smoke a lot.” He said. I nodded.

There was a lot of equipment to smoke weed, I realized. It seemed like a bit of a pain in the ass, but I didn’t care. If it’d help ease the ball of anxiety throwing itself around inside my stomach like a bowling ball, I’ll do anything. 

He used his fingers to put some of the weed in the bowl and looked at me. “Watch. If you do it this way, you won’t cough.” He said, then looked thoughtful. “Well, a lot. You won’t cough a lot. You’ve got newbie lungs, so I can’t fully say that in confidence.” He said, and I nodded. 

He sucked in a deep breath and let it out, then put the spout of the bowl to his lips and used a lighter to light it. He sucked in deeply, and I watched as the weed burned, and turned to ash. It was interesting to watch. It looked like so much weed, how could he suck in that much smoke? It was an interesting process, truly. 

He held it in for a minute or so and breathed out. The smell hit me in the face and I sighed deeply. I didn’t much care for the smell, but I’d get over it. 

“You try.” He said, dumping the ash into an ashtray and smiling. He handed it to me after putting more weed in it, and I sighed and took a deep breath. I put the thing to my lips and tried to light it, but I couldn’t figure out how. He laughed, shaking his head. “I’ll do it.” He said, taking the lighter and lighting it for me. I sucked in slowly, following as I had seen him do, and felt immensely proud when he let go of the lighter and the weed turned into ash. 

I held my breath for a moment, until it started to burn and I coughed a bit. It wasn’t bad, but I still coughed which was disappointing. He hadn’t coughed, so I guess I’m weird. I bit my lip feeling a bit embarrassed. But slowly it began to melt away and I felt really giddy and happy. It was interesting. 

“I feel so happy!” I said and he nodded.

“That’s the point. Sometimes, at least.” He said, and I nodded. The anxiety had began slipping away, and I was left with just happiness. So much happiness it was welling up inside of me. I couldn’t help but be excited for Blake to get home so I could spend some time with him. It would be nice. “So… food?” he asked, and I nodded. 

An ice cream sandwich sounded really fucking good right now.

46. єℓαтισи

~ Feelings are confusing, things aren’t always black and white…~

A S H T O N

Since daddy left, Puzzle and I have been alternating between his bedroom smoking weed, and the couch. I hadn’t had this much fun in a long time. We were just chilling out, watching cartoons and eating ice cream. I was texting Damien and Blake, mainly Damien though, because Blake was really busy. He had some emergency at work, and I didn’t want to pry or anything, so I just let him be, just sending him messages when he messaged me. 

Damien [3:05 pm]: Is it cool if I come over after school?

“Do you care if Damien comes over?” I asked, and he shrugged. 

“Does he smoke or nah? I don’t care, but if he don’t smoke then we’ll have to chill with it. And sober up.” He said, and I shrugged a bit. 

“He’s smoked before, I don’t know if he smokes like you do, though.” I said, and he shrugged again. 

“Long as I don’t have to sober up, I’m good.” He said, and I nodded, shooting Damien a quick yes. “So, what’s the deal with Damien, anyway?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“Been friends since we were really young.” I said, and he nodded, looking a bit quizzical. “Since we grew up, we became really different, but we’re still close. We went for a little while without seeing each other or talking. Now, we just have a great friendship.” I said, and he nodded. 

“Is that how he sees it too?” Puzzle asked, and I nodded.

“I’m like a thousand percent sure he’s straight. And, we’re like siblings. I would say brothers but,” I motioned to myself, “That’d feel a little weird. Besides, he’s had a billion girlfriends, or at least hookups.” 

“Didn’t you pretend to be straight for a long time?” He asked.

“Yeah, but I didn’t have sex!” I pointed out, and he shrugged a bit and leaned his head back against the couch.

“I’m just saying. You never know.” He said, and I shrugged a bit. “He’s kinda cute in that ‘I’m the boy next door’ way.” 

“You’re gay?” I asked, and he shook his head no.

“I’m bisexual. I will date anyone, as long as I’ve got feelings for them. Usually I lean towards girls. But, I can admit when someone is hot as hell. Like you. If you weren’t dating Blake, I’d totally bone you. But, you are, and I’m not like that.” He said, and shrugged.

“Oh,” I blushed brightly. I had to admit, Puzzle was cute. Blake was sexy, the kind that drives me crazy and I can’t help but want to drool. I have a thing for older guys, I always have. But, if I wasn’t with Blake, I’d probably end up with a guy like Puzzle. I wouldn’t be who I am today without Blake. He’s kind, and sweet, and can be so affectionate. He’s done so much for me. 

“I just haven’t had anyone I liked since high-school. I don’t really find anyone attractive much anymore. I’m not hitting on you though, so don’t look so taken aback. I’m just saying what we both know.” He said, and I shrugged.

“I don’t care. I just didn’t think many people really saw me as attractive though.” I said, and he laughed. Like full on, bust a gut laughing. I rolled my eyes and huffed loudly. “It’s not funny! You’re a jerk!” I whined, hitting him with one of the couch pillows. 

“It is funny. I don’t doubt that Damien is attracted to you. Especially with you all feminine looking.” He said, and I rolled my eyes again. 

“Definitely not.” I said, and he shrugged. 

“Okay, I’ll leave it alone,” Puzzle said, huffing a bit. “You won’t see it even if Damien literally came to you, kissed you on the damn lips and told you he loved you.” 

“I mean, that’d be a little hard to ignored. Besides, it doesn’t matter whether he likes me or not. I’m with Blake, and I greatly care for him. I wouldn’t leave him or cheat on him, so he doesn’t really have a chance.” I said, and Puzzle nodded. 

“You mean you love him.” Puzzle said, and I blushed brightly. I’d been dancing around those words for the longest time, afraid of saying them because it may make it true. I figured Blake wasn’t at that point, otherwise he would’ve told me already, and I couldn’t tell myself that he did until I heard him say it. Besides, I don’t know what it is that he’d ever love about me. 

“I don’t know.” I finally said, biting my lip. “I mean, I do. I just don’t want to say because that makes it real, and I don’t know if I’m able to admit it.” I said, and he smiled at me.

“It is real, even if you don’t say it. But I get not being ready, and that’s completely okay. You’re eighteen, and you saying that you love him means that it’s forever, and you’re not sure if you’re ready for that yet.” He said, and I just shook my head.

“Kind of. But, also, I don’t think Blake loves me.” I said. 

“You’re kidding? You’ve gotta be.” He said, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “Blake rescued you from your parents. He stood by you through surgery, he’s spent a shit ton of money on you to make you happy. He’s supporting you through cross-dressing. I really think that you’re wrong there.” He said, and I bit my lip. In a way, that seemed to make sense. How could he stick by me through everything and not love me? He has done so much for me, more than Puzzle could ever begin to understand. 

A moment of realization hit me like a bus, and I was suddenly breathless. Moments from the past began to flood back to me. All the time with no sex, he never looked for anyone else. All the worry of my impending surgery, he never left. He rescued me from my parents. He spent a ton of money on me to send me to school. Then, he went to the store and bought me all of the things I needed to look like a girl. It was astounding to me how I had missed all these things, because Blake had just never said he loved me. But he acted like he loved me. 

That was enough for me. He never had to say it, I’d never doubt it as long as he acted like he loved me. 

A knock on the door alerted me and I stood up, racing around the couch to open the door, stumbling a bit and pausing to laugh at how dumb I’d been. I opened the door, coming face to face with Damien. Damien looked over me, an eyebrow raised skeptically. “Hey, Ash.” He said, and I nodded and let him in, going back to sit on the couch. 

“We’re watching cartoons and eating… what are we eating now?” I asked, and Puzzle looked over, shrugged, and held up a bag of candy corn.

“Whatever this shit is.” He said, and I nodded. 

“It reeks like pot in here,” Damien noted, coming to sit down on the couch beside us. “I’m not complaining… but won’t Blake pitch a fit or something?” He asked.

“Nah, Blake’s cool. I got a med card, so it’s all legal. Well, for me.” Puzzle shot a look over at me and smirked a bit. “She’s just breaking the law. But, it was important that she do it, so whatever.” Puzzle said, and patted me on the hand softly. I glanced over at him and smiled. 

“Why was it important for him to smoke?” Damien asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Why is it important for you to know?” Puzzle shot back, and shrugged. “I know what I’m doing, Ashton knows what she is doing,” Puzzle put emphasis on the word she. Damien immediately went red, and looked like he was about to apologize. 

“It’s okay, it’s a lot to get use to.” I said before he could even speak. He nodded, looking a little sad. I appreciated that Puzzle was not telling him why I was smoking, because it was embarrassing. I knew then that Puzzle wouldn’t tell anyone, ever, if I didn’t want him to. I smiled and leaned back on the couch. 

“So, about this pot…” Damien switched the topic of conversation quickly. “Am I able to use some, or is it ‘b.y.o.p’?” He asked, and Puzzle laughed, shaking his head.

“Fam, I get this shit for free. You gotta pay at least ten bucks. We’ll go hit another bowl. Ash, you feel up to joining?” He asked, and I shrugged, nodding. 

“I feel fine. A lot less fuzzy than I did when we first smoked. So, I guess?” I asked, and he nodded. 

“That means it’s wearing off. Let’s go.” Puzzle stood up, leading Damien and I up to his room, he opened the door letting Damien in first. “How’re you feeling?” He murmured softly, “Anxious at all?” I shook my head and he sighed deeply. “Let me know… I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know how exactly it’s gonna work. I just know Weaver told me he stayed stoned and his symptoms were less severe.” I nodded and smiled. 

“I’m fine, lets go.” I said, and he nodded. I walked into his room, sitting on the bed with my feet underneath me. “How was school?” I asked, watching as Puzzle sat down on the bed and started putting the weed into a bowl. 

“Boring.” He said, his eyes watching Puzzle. Puzzle handed me the bowl first, and nodded at me, smiling encouragingly. I took the bowl and held it, my finger over the little bump thing on the side. Puzzle held the lighter up, and nodded. 

“Ready?” He asked, and I smiled.

“Yeah,” I said, and he hit the lighter. I sucked in a deep breath and slowly started pulling on the bowl. I inhaled deeply, feeling the smoke fill my lungs. It was weird, because usually I couldn’t tell that my lungs were full of air, but somehow, I could almost feel the smoke in my lungs. He let go of the lighter, and I sucked again. My chest started feeling tight and I coughed. “Shit, I think I held it too long.” I said, coughing still. He just shook his head.

“Newbie lungs. It’s adorable.” He put a hand on his chest, looking like a mother who was reminiscing over the ‘good old days’. “I remember when I was a newbie. It was great. No tolerance what-so-ever…” He laughed. 

I felt the fuzziness start to come back, and sighed deeply. Puzzle filled the bowl again and handed it to Damien. Damien took the lighter and lit the bowl himself, sucking in deeply, and holding it in. He handed the bowl to Puzzle who finished the bowl, and then dumped it out. I watched as Puzzle filled himself another one, and smoked that one, too. I smiled and shook my head. Puzzle can be so funny sometimes, I never realized that he was able to smoke so much. 

“Anyone else need another?” He asked, and I shook my head. Damien shrugged.

“I could, but I don’t have to. I can assume you need this stuff if you’ve got a card for it.” He said, and Puzzle shrugged. 

“As I said, I have a card, and insurance. I get it for free. But, whatever.” He said, dumping out his last one, and filling another. “We’ll split it? Just make sure you take it fast, otherwise you’re wasting precious herb.” He said, and Damien nodded. 

Puzzle lit the bowl, and I watched as he smoked it, down to half, and then quickly handed it to Damien, holding his breath for a minute before breathing out. Damien hurriedly finished the other half and held it in, before blowing out. He coughed a bit and covered his mouth.

“This shits strong,” He said, and Puzzle nodded. 

“Lets go downstairs.” Puzzle said, and Damien nodded. We all got up and started towards the door, Puzzle opening it, and motioning Damien out, then me. He grabbed my wrist as he watched Damien turn the corner. “If you need anything, let me know. Ash, I’m not going to tell Blake, and I won’t judge you if you never do… but you need someone through this, and I’m not going to let you do it alone.” He said, and I nodded. 

“I may, sometime soon. I just… don’t want him to hate me.” I said, and he nodded.

“He wouldn’t, but I understand.” He said, and started down the stairs. I followed after him, going and laying back on the couch. 

The cartoons were playing, Damien was watching them, a goofy look on his face, and Puzzle was munching on some candy corn(even though he didn’t know what it was)and I sighed. How did I end up with such great friends? 

I felt my eyes drooping, and sleepiness settle in, and then I was asleep between Puzzle and Damien on the couch. 

When I woke up, my head was on Puzzles shoulder, it was dark outside, and Damien wasn’t over anymore. Puzzle was also asleep, one of his arms wrapped around me. I sighed deeply and leaned back over, too tired to care. 

For a moment my mind wandered to where Damien had went, but, I pushed that thought away and felt sleep coming back and swallowing me.

47. ∂ιѕαятι¢υℓαтισи

~ I’ve never been this way with anyone and that terrifies me. I’m not use to feeling emotions like this, so I don’t know what I want to say… or what to do. All I know is, I

need

him. However long I can have him, I need him.~

B L A K E 

When I got home, I looked around the house in amazement. Nothing was dirty, the house was perfectly in order and Puzzle and Ashton were asleep cuddled up on the couch. Despite myself, I found myself thinking how cute Ashton and he looked together. I couldn’t help but imagine that Ashton would’ve ended up with someone more his age, if he hadn’t met me. I wasn’t blind, I could see how Ashton acted around Puzzle, and at first it confused me, but looking at them right then I realized, Ashton acted around Puzzle like a teenager with a crush. 

It hadn’t been that way with me, only because our relationship had been sexually charged at first. I had been watching Ashton with Damien like a hawk because I didn’t really trust Damien all that much. After talking to Damien I deduced that he had some sort of feelings for Ash, but they wouldn’t lead to anything and I knew that. Damien did too. 

But Puzzle… well, Puzzle was another story. Ashton was attracted to Puzzle and I could tell. I don’t really care, though. I just wanted Ashton to be happy, and if he’d be happy with Puzzle, I’d gladly let him go.

I noticed that ever since his surgery, Ashton has been acting differently. I knew that it was related in some way to his pain pills. I wasn’t stupid, and I could deduce what was going on in just a few days. But I knew that if I went to him about it, there’d be a greater chance for push-back an denial. I took to just giving little speeches about how dangerous they were, and suggesting other means to deal with it. And leaving an open window for him to know that he could come to me about it.

In all honesty, I had brought Puzzle here, hoping that if nothing else, he could give Ashton a reliable friend he could go to. I wasn’t sure that Puzzle would come to me, given that he was loyal to people to a fault, but I could admire that about him. I also knew that Puzzle had a good head on his shoulders, despite calling him a stoner all the time. 

Honestly, Puzzle had been around me since he was born, and picking on him just felt natural. Our relationship was just like that. He’d call me an ass, I’d call him a stoner, and that’d be the end of it. We would pick on each other til it snowed in hell, but at the end of the day we loved each other like family.

I could tell that they were going to get a crick in their necks the way they were laying, so I grabbed their legs and pulled them around to the couch, and pulled them down. I breathed in deeply. Damn, Puzzle weighs a shit ton. I’d been able to pick up Ashton and carry him up the stairs, so I knew he wasn’t the heavy one. While Puzzle was still really thin, he weighed a normal amount he still was a bit taller than Ash, he could easily weigh twenty pounds more than him and still look equally as small. 

I walked over to the closet and grabbed a blanket throwing it over them and sighed. Part of me wanted to pick Ashton up and carry him up the stairs, but the way they were laying it’d definitely wake them both up. While I wouldn’t mind waking Puzzle up, I didn’t want to wake Ashton. He always seemed so free and happy in his sleep. Nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. And I didn’t have to worry over him taking more pills. If he’s asleep, he’s not taking those damn pills. And I’ve looked everywhere I can think of for them. He’s just got them hidden somewhere too obvious for me to look there. I’d already tried the bathroom cabinets, the towel closet, the closet in our room, and the dresser he used. I couldn’t think of anywhere else he could’ve hidden them from me.

I sighed and watched as Puzzled and Ashton slept for a moment, and flipped off the light. I walked upstairs, pausing to glance back down. Despite what I thought it would feel, I wasn’t jealous in the least. In some ways, I knew that Ashton would desire someone more like him. And then I had an idea. It may be odd, especially for me.

But, it just might work, if that’s what needs to happen. I can’t lose Ashton. No, I won’t lose Ashton. 

I walked the rest of the way up the stairs, going into our room and shutting the door. I pulled my shirt off, and walked to the bathroom. I glanced down at the toilet and saw a tiny little white pill by the toilet. I raised an eyebrow, and picked it up. It was one of the pills that Ashton had been given when he was awaiting his surgery, only it appeared to be a higher dosage. I chucked it into the toilet and slipped off my pants. I turned to hang up my dress pants on the towel bar and glanced down at the floor to make sure nothing had fallen out when I saw that there was a pill bottle in the trash. I picked it up, and read the label and sighed.

He flushed them. I couldn’t help but let out a deep sigh of relief. I hadn’t expected it to work this soon, but I was immensely glad it did. I wanted him off those damn pills, and the only way I could do that was if he was willing. Otherwise, he’d fight be every step of the way. And Ashton is a little spitfire when he didn’t get his way. 

I was oddly content with Ashton not telling me, as long as he was trying to get better. I’d keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid and I’d watch Puzzle even closer. 

I turned on the shower and got in, letting the water cascade over me. I’d been really looking forward to making love to Ashton tonight, but him being asleep kind of ruined that. I’ll have to be sure to do something about that tomorrow, and take him. I also really need to get on with training him. I’ve been so preoccupied with his surgery and then with watching him like a hawk because of his pill habit that I haven’t been doing anything BDSM related with him.

It doesn’t seem like the right time, but then again, will it ever? Ashton will keep me on my toes until the end of times, I’ve just got to take control of the situation. Put an end to the non-sense once and for all and get him into training.

I sighed again, and looked up at the ceiling. I remember doing some very choice things to Ashton, right here in the shower, his little hands clutching me. He was holding on for dear life as our bodies moved together. I loved to see him in the midst of passion, his whole demeanor changed and he was no longer sassy, or being a pain. No, he was perfect. He was a natural submissive, that much I knew. 

He would change from seductive and teasing to doing as I say in just a moment. I felt myself jerking to attention and sighed again. Nope, I’m not doing this right now. I switched off the hot water, and lowly but surely the water went from being warm, to being like droplets of ice were falling over me, killing my erection. Once it was gone I shut off the water, and got out, grabbing a towel from the shower bar, and wiping myself off. I walked into the bedroom again and pulled on some boxers, crawling into bed and covering up.

Man, my father was a real dumb-ass, he didn’t know how to run a company. All of the books have problems, I spent the entire day looking for someone who had been fudging the books. I wasn’t sure at first if it was just some uneducated person trying to do the books, but all the my father hired were all well educated.

I found the culprit, and came to the conclusion that he had just not been properly trained on how to do what my father intended for him to do, and I set it up to where someone else was going to handle the books for the time being, and the guy was being properly trained. It was just lucky that I had a business degree, and was able to think smartly, otherwise my fathers company would be in shambles. 

My dad ran a security system business when he died, and I inherited it. I was not exactly looking forward to running it, but it ended up giving me a lot of money. Well, on top of my inheritance. I had been installing security systems for him down in Denver where I went to school, and that provided me with a lot of money because my father paid me most out of all of the employees he had. He might not have been smart, but, he certainly wasn’t an idiot, either. 

Despite my working for him, and taking over the company from him when he died, we weren’t close at all. In fact, my dad had been a wealthy man all my life, but he forced my mother and I to live in poverty for years. When I hit twenty and got into college, he suddenly resurfaced, offering a better life for my mother if I went on to take over the company for him. I was his only child and thus, the heir to his fortune. And since my mother and him never married, she would never see a dime of the money he had unless I did it. 

My parents rekindled their romance, but never married. My father was ashamed to admit that he was in love with a poor woman, who came from a small little farming town and didn’t have acres and acres of land. So, I did what I had to do to take care of my mama, and in doing so, essentially ensured my own future as well. 

When my father died, I gave my mother half of the money that he gave me and she told me to find somewhere I’d be happy, with one of the branches of his company in them, and make a true life for myself. I agreed, happily. I wasn’t one for the finer things in life, I was content with a little house, and someone who made me feel alive.

For so long I’d shut out all of my feelings just to survive. I never got close to a sub, slept around, and worked my way up from the bottom of my fathers company. I never had the chance to fall in love, in fact, I wasn’t even sure I believed in it…

Until I met Ash. 

Ash changed everything. I sighed deeply and rolled over in the bed, glancing at the clock. I better get to bed, it’s nearly one in the morning. No telling what I’ll have to deal with tomorrow, what with the company kind of a mess at the moment. It just seemed smart to plan on having to go back tomorrow. 

Albeit, after I have my way with Ashton, that is.

48. ∂ιffєяєитιαтισи

~ Life is a mess, nothing is black and white, and everything gets so much more complicated as you get older.~

A S H T O N

I was sitting at the dining room table, a little bit high and focusing on my school-work amazingly. In fact, I was focusing so well, I’d already finished three fourths of what I had to for the day, and I was passing it all. The time consuming part was listening to the teachers in the ‘classrooms’. It was an odd concept, but I began to just do my schoolwork while I listened to them talk in the background. I had already taken the classes they were putting me through in school before I got taken out, so I didn’t really need to listen to what the teachers were saying. The only one I had to semi pay attention to was math, and that was only because math had never been my strong suit. But, otherwise, I was killing it. 

I’d eaten some cereal, and grabbed a bag of chips to keep beside me while I worked, you know, because I get really hungry when I smoke weed. I haven’t exactly researched it, but I think that it’s from the weed. In fact, I’ve heard Damien talk about it in the past and thought he was just making up excuses about being hungry because he was self-conscious or something, but I realize now that he’s absolutely right. I feel like I’ve never eaten a meal in my life, and I’ve eaten twice what I was before I started. 

It’s been a couple of days, and Blake had talked to me about because he was worried that I’d fall behind if I smoked and did school, but I talked him into sitting with me while I took my classes when I hadn’t smoked, and then when I had and he admitted that I was doing a lot better with it. I think it is out of sheer force of will. 

Since coming off the pain pills, every moment I’m not high is misery. I get aches and sweat profusely, even with chill bumps all over me. I am extremely anxious, shaky, and I yawn all the time. It’s really annoying, and somewhat painful. My mind tells me to go find some, to get anything  that’ll lessen it, take it away. So, at least for the moment, I need to smoke so that I can come off of these pills. 

There’s a certain degree of happiness that the drug gives me, that I’ve never experienced before in my life, also. It takes away all the bad thoughts in my head and makes everything seem so much more… okay. I don’t even think about my mom and dad, or anything that could make me sad. I just can focus on the good things in life, and I need that. Especially right now. 

Puzzle plopped down in the seat beside me and took a big bite out of a sandwich, looking at the computer screen. “What ya learning?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“Nothing really, just doing my schoolwork so I can sit here and stare at the screen and listen to my teacher talk about things I’ve already learned.” I said, and he nodded. He grabbed the chips off the table and poured some onto the plate I hadn’t realized he’d been carrying. “I’m hungry,” He explained as I glanced over the plate. He had a sandwich in his hand, and a plate with another sandwich and a mound of chips. 

“I can tell.” I said, leaning back in the seat. “What are you doing?” I asked,watching as he picked up my notebook where I’d been taking notes. 

“I like to learn, I just struggle with paying attention.” He said. “What do you want to study in college?” 

“Literature,” I said, and he nodded. 

“Genre?” He asked.

“Romance.” I said, and he nodded again. “So, what would you have studied if you could’ve finished school?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“I never really thought about it. I really wanted to be a professional musician, but I’m really bad at learning how to play instruments.” He said, and I shrugged. 

“It could be done. You’d just have to really work at it.” I said, and he nodded.

“Right. Work at it. I could probably do that. Anyway, I’m gonna go back to my room. We can hang out later. Just let me know when you wanna.” He said, and stood up. He walked out of the dining room, plate in hand. I rolled my eyes. Puzzle was so… puzzling. It was odd to me that I was curious about him, and the more that I got to know him the more I wanted to know. My head was swimming. I sighed and glanced back at my computer screen. Suddenly I was completely lost. It was almost like the world had stopped when he was around. A lot like with Blake. 

I sighed deeply and hurriedly finished my work. I really needed to talk to Blake to sort all of this out in my head. 

Once I was done, I stood up and looked around. Here goes nothing. 

I walked up to Blake’s office door, tapped twice, and walked in. Blake glanced up from his computer and smiled at me. “Hey there, how’s school?” He asked. 

“I finished all my work so I’ve just got myself sitting in the classroom, letting the teacher talk.” I said, and he nodded. He looked like he might comment about that, but I slipped the door shut, and leaned against it. I took a deep breath and walked over to the window seat in his office, sighing deeply. “So… I want to talk to you. And I don’t want you to think that I am a bad person, or that I don’t care deeply for you because I do.” I said, looking at him. He nodded, turned around in his office chair and looked at me. “Well, for starters, I lied to you. A lot. About being off of my pain pills. I never stopped taking them.” I said, and he nodded.

“I know. I knew that if I brought it up you’d lie and say you weren’t, or you’d get defensive, and deny it yourself even more.” He said, and I blushed. 

“You knew?” I asked.

“Ashton, I’m thirty seven years old. I have a psychology degree, and I’ve been around other people who are addicted to pain pills. I’m not Damien, I’m not a child.” He said, and I nodded, feeling ashamed for not just coming to him. “I wanted you to wait until you felt comfortable enough to come to me about it. I knew that the only time that you’d ever be willing to fix it was when you admitted that it was a problem, and that would not have happened if I confronted you about it.” He said. 

“Don’t you have a business degree, though?” I asked.

“I went back to school for psychology. Anyway, I’m not dumb, you were not acting like yourself, and I could deduce what was going on.” He said, and I nodded. I didn’t think he was dumb, I just thought that I was convincing him that I was okay. That there was nothing actually wrong. I had believed it myself, so I guess I didn’t think that he’d catch on. 

“I thought that I was being convincing.” I said, and he shrugged.

“Not really. I’ve spent a lot of time with you, and you were acting very different from before your surgery.” Blake said, and I nodded. 

“I was scared to tell you. I didn’t want to disappoint you.” I said, and he smiled softly. 

“I couldn’t be disappointed in you, especially not over what you were going through. Sure, I’m disappointed that you didn’t come to me, but I’m just hoping that you know that you can talk to me about anything.” He said, and I nodded. 

“I do, daddy.” I said, and he smiled and stood up and sat beside me. “There’s something else.” I said, and he nodded and kissed me softly. “Another thing, I got rid of the pills. I flushed them. I went to puzzle and he’s been helping me get off of the pills.” He nodded.

“I figured. I knew that you guys would bond well, and I figured–and hoped that it would work out to where you would talk to him about it and that he could help you get off of them.” He said. 

“I feel a little weird,” I said. He nodded his head and wrapped his arm around me.

“How so?” Blake asked, and I bit my lip. I can’t talk to him about Puzzle. I just can’t. It’s too weird and I feel too bad about it. Besides, I don’t even know how I feel about him. I don’t know anything yet, and I don’t want him to think that I don’t like him because of it. I do like him. A lot. I’d even venture to say I loved him. 

“I just, really like you. A lot.” I said, finally. It wasn’t a lie, not exactly. I will talk to him about Puzzle when I figure everything out, if there’s even anything to talk about. I don’t know what I feel right now, so talking to him about it felt premature. 

“Ashton, you were going somewhere else with that, and we both know it.” He said, and I sighed deeply, and I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. “Is it about Puzzle?” He asked.

“I mean…” I trailed off, wanting to sink into the wall and disappear. 

“I knew you had feelings from him a couple nights ago. When you were cuddling with him.” He said, and I sighed deeply. I couldn’t help but wonder what he had to be thinking. “Listen, I’m not angry about it, Ashton.” He said, and I sighed deeply.

“I don’t know why you wouldn’t be.” I said, and he smiled. 

“Because you’re still young. And I’m your first relationship. It’d be crazy for me to think that you’d never have feelings for someone else. And at least you’re attracted to someone that is actually a decent person.” He said, and I shrugged, feel really bad.

“I’m sorry, daddy. I don’t know how it happened.” I said, and he smiled a bit.

“It’s okay. I understand,” He said softly, resting his hand on my shoulder, kissing me softly. I kissed him back, tightening my arms around my legs. “I actually was thinking… I’m not attracted to Puzzle, so I couldn’t go out with him. Plus, I have helped raise him. I feel like his parent. However, if that’s an avenue you’d like to go down, it’s okay.” He said, and I raised my eyebrow.

“I don’t want to break up! This is why I was so scared to talk to you!” I panicked, and he shook his head, pulling me in closer.

“I don’t want to break up either. In fact, that’s why I’m saying this. You’re still young. You need time to find yourself, and your sexuality. I’m saying, you can date me, and date him. But we wouldn’t date each other.” He said, and I bit my lip.

“I don’t know… that’s a little bit… weird for me. I’ve always thought I’d just be with you for the rest of my life. At least since I met you.” I said, and he shrugged.

“I’m certainly not going to force you to. It’s just an option.” He said, and I nodded, biting my lip. He smiled at me and leaned forward kissing me. 

“One of the rules was that I was just yours.” I said, and he nodded. 

“Yeah, I just realized that you’re still young and while I know you want to be with me, I don’t want you to miss out anything. I also want you happy, Ash, and if you having something with him will make you happy, then I want you to be happy. That’s all I want.” He said, and sighed deeply. 

“I don’t want you to do something you don’t want to do.” I said, and he shook his head. 

“I won’t.” He said, and I shook my head. I feel terrible. I wanted to be perfect for him and it seems like I haven’t done anything but bring him problems. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, tears springing up in my eyes. “I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen. I’ve come into your life and brought you nothing but problems…” I cried, burying my face in my knees, ashamed to look at him.

“Ashton, you may feel like you brought me nothing but problems, but you didn’t. You showed me how to feel again, because I had forced myself to stop feeling things.” He said, and sighed. “Ashton, I love you. I don’t know when I fell for you, but I know that I did.” He said, and I gasped, and blushed brightly. 

“I love you too, Blake.” I said, and he smiled.

“I know, princess. And nothing’ll ever change that. You can think about what I said, about Puzzle. Let me know, I’ll respect whatever decision you make, and stand by you no matter what.” He said, and kissed me. I bit my lip and nodded, suddenly unsure. He smiled at me. 

“You want to stay here for a bit and hang out with me?” He asked, and I nodded. 

“Sure thing, daddy!” I said, and he smiled. 

“I’ve gotta work, but it’ll be more fun if you’re around.” He said, and stood up, going back over to his computer and began looking through the files and documents on his computer. I watched him, thinking deeply. I wasn’t sure what to do. I don’t even know how Puzzle feels, and that makes it even more confusing. 

What am I suppose to do now? What’s the right choice? 

I don’t know anymore.

49. иєgσтιαтισи

~ The wheel of life goes round and round, the circle of fate spins over and over, only at the end of your journey do you find your answers, but sometimes the journey is the best part.~

A S H T O N

Blake had Puzzle and I in his office, the door shut. I was sitting in the window seat with my legs pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped around my knees. My tennis shoes were slipping slightly and I kept having to readjust my legs so that they didn’t hit the wall, but it was keeping me preoccupied in the silence. The awkward silence that had surrounded us, I was certain was mainly in my head because I was nervous.

Blake wanted us all three to meet today and talk about some things and that made me very uncomfortable. I still haven’t gotten any peace on what we had talked about a few days ago, and I certainly hadn’t expressed anything to Puzzle because I was too embarrassed to. Of course he’s probably going to think I’m the worst person in the world because I have feelings for him. I wasn’t sure I could take the silence much longer, it was crawling under my skin, making me anxious.

Blake looked calm, though. Composed, and complacent, almost. It was weird, and unsettling. I had cuddled up to him last night, listening to his heart beat in his chest. He’d wrapped his arms around me and murmured that he loved me. I felt so safe in that moment, so secure and happy. He seemed completely okay with my confession, despite me shaming myself, and being really hard on myself. I felt bad, because he had done so much fore me, and all he had ever asked for was loyalty. But, I had remained loyal. I hadn’t kissed Puzzle, or acted on any of my feelings at all. As soon as I had realized, I came to him and talked to him about it. A lot can be said about honesty, and I’m learning that though it’s uncomfortable to be honest, it can be the best thing for you.

I wasn’t entirely sure where this little ‘meeting’ is going to go, but Jesus I want it over with. This is awkward and uncomfortable. I want it to just be behind us.

“Puzzle, Ashton, I know you’re both probably confused on why I brought you here,” Blake said, and I glanced over at Puzzle. He was sitting in the chair in front of Blake’s desk with his pajamas on, and he was looking a mixture of concerned and confused. I couldn’t gauge what his reaction was going to be but I was sure that it was going to not be a good one. “I’ve asked you to come here today to discuss a certain elephant in the room that I think we all should at least admit to if nothing else. Keep in mind I’m not coming at either of you with anger, or jealousy. I fully believe that it’s okay, and even justified.”

“Blake, you are being very vague and frankly I don’t like it.” Puzzle said. “Just tell me what you want to tell me so that I can go get some more sleep.” Blake sighed deeply and rolled his eyes.

“I know that you and Ashton have feelings for each other. That point blank enough, Puzzle?” He asked, and Puzzle sat up straight.

“What?” He said, in a hurry, “Blake, I would never do that to you.” Puzzle said.

“I’m not saying either of you acted on your feelings. I’m saying that the two of you have feelings for each other, and that you want to act on them, but you’re both too loyal to do it.” Blake said.

“Blake–” I started.

“Ash, please wait one moment baby.” He said, his voice sweet and loving. I smiled a bit and blushed, looking away from the two. “I am not angry, I actually realized that you two had feelings for each other before you knew it. Yes, I love Ashton, but I want Ashton to have every opportunity that he can possibly have. When he met me he was a good boy, who never went out to parties or bars or had a couple boyfriends. I was his first everything, and I’m proud of that, but I want him to have the chance to experience everything he could possibly want to.”

“Blake, I love you, you’ve been like a father to me…” Puzzle said, and Blake nodded. “I did catch feelings for Ashton, but I haven’t acted on them. I wouldn’t do that. I respect you too much.”

“This is not a matter of me thinking that you two are having a lustrous affair. I think that, for all intensive purposes, you and Ashton would make a good couple, and I believe that… well, the two of you should at least talk about what you want from each other.” Blake said, and stuck his hand out and grabbed one of my hands. I wrapped my fingers around his and bit my lip.

“You what?” Puzzle said, and looked over at me. His eyes were wide, and he was blushing somehow. I never thought I would see Puzzle blush, he seemed far too mature to do that. But yet, there he was, looking at me with a blush on his face.

“Look, it’s not a secret that I’m much older than Ashton and I have already had my time going to parties, getting bladdered and having sex with a person that I barely knew. You two are about the same age and you’re both just beginning to get to experience that type of freedom. While I would never end my relationship with Ashton, I’m proposing a deal.” Blake said, and I suddenly realized why he was so good at being a business man. He had an excellent way of wording things, and was sophisticated enough to really get you to listen, and lead towards what he’s suggesting.

“What kind of deal?” I asked, this time. I had been silent this whole time, but I suddenly found my voice, my mind just barely wrapping around the concept of a deal with Blake. He seemed much too confident in his own abilities to just ‘make a deal’ with two teenagers.

“Well, I have already discussed this possibility with you, but I’ll explain it again.” He looked at me with a really look, but began anyway, “Essentially Ashton and I would continue to date as we are, and you two would date. It would all be completely separate as I’m not in any way attracted to Puzzle. I wouldn’t ask about the details of you two’s intimate details, but, the two of you could do whatever you want together.” He said, and smiled.  “It would be a polyamorous relationship, but instead of us all dating, Puzzle and I would just be dating you, Ash. I know that this is probably a weird idea, because I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything like it. But, I have put a lot of time into figuring this out and I think that it’ll work out for us.” Blake explained.

“Are you sure that that is something you want?” Puzzle asked.

“Yes, I’m most positive. I believe that this would work out in my favor.” Blake said, and he was smiling a bit.

“I think Ashton and I need to think about it, and discuss this because it’s a big decision. It is something that we need to talk about.” Puzzle said, and I nodded, biting my lip. I was embarrassed, and nervous. I didn’t know if this was something that Blake really wanted. He repeatedly said that this was what he wanted, but I still wasn’t sure.

“I just want to say one thing.” I said, and both of them looked at me. “I love Blake, and I do not want to ever end my relationship with him. Blake is my first everything, yes, but I know that I want to be with him. He has done a lot for me and I’m very grateful.”

“I know, Ash. I wouldn’t want you to.” Puzzle said.

“I know, too. And I’m glad that you feel that way. I love you, and my whole idea is based on trust, and the fact that I can trust you to come to me about things like this is what made me so okay with this. I love the fact that you are able to be honest with me.” Blake said, and I smiled a little bit.

“I’m glad that my being honest made you happy but I still feel bad,” I said and he shrugged.

“Honestly, it’s okay. I’m not upset. I feel like this makes a lot of sense, actually, and that it’ll make you happier, and that this will help us develop our relationship farther.” Blake said. “I’m going to go down to the kitchen and get something to drink. You two talk about this, figure out if you want this. In the mean time, I’m going to down a soda.”

I nodded, and watched carefully as he walked towards the door, and walked out of it. I watched him disappear around the corner, and down the stairs. I glanced at Puzzle and looked away in a hurry, embarrassed by what had been revealed. I knew that Blake would get tired of waiting on me to come to a conclusion on my own, but I didn’t think he’d just pull us together and let it all out into the open. Granted, Puzzle wanted to talk about what Blake had said. That means that he isn’t completely grossed out by  it or anything.

“Ash, how do you feel about this?” Puzzle asked quietly.

“I’m embarrassed that he just blurted it out like that, but he wasn’t wrong. I do have feelings for you.” I said, looking at him through my bangs. He looked over me, and nodded.

“I do have feelings for you, Ash. I mean, look at yourself, how couldn’t I? But, at the same time, Blake has been like a father to me. I’m concerned that this’ll hurt Blake, and that’s the last thing I want to do.” Puzzle said, and sighed.

“I don’t want to hurt Blake either. That’s the last thing I want. He has done so much for me that I owe him more than to hurt him.” I said.

“He did say that he wasn’t angry or jealous,” Puzzle said, but shook his head. “He has never done this before, I don’t know whether to believe him or not.”

“I believe him.” I said softly. “He has come to me about this before, and mentioned it. I just wouldn’t talk to you about it because I was too embarrassed to open my mouth. He figured that out and brought us together and blurted it out.” I bit my lip and glanced away from him.

“I am glad that he talked to me, because I feel like I would’ve not fully comprehended what you were saying. You know, with all the dramatic pauses you put in there.” He teased, and I shrugged a bit.

“I just want to figured us out. So that we can tell Blake one way or another.” I said.

“Maybe you both are going about this the wrong way,” Puzzle said. “I think that we should keep hanging out, get to know each other better, and maybe we will develop into more, or maybe we wont. Putting all this pressure on a relationship will kill any spark that we do have.”

“So don’t label us?” I asked timidly, pushing the hair out of my eyes and looking over him.

“Exactly. We may kiss, or hold hands, or maybe both… or neither. We haven’t had time to fully get to know each other, and especially for you and Blake to make such a move in this direction… I feel like we need more time to figure out if that’s what either of us want.” Puzzle said.

“You’re right. This was all rushed because right when I noticed that I had feelings for you, I told Blake, and he proposed this idea. Maybe we both jumped the gun just a little bit.” I said.

“Definitely. But, it’s okay, because now we know that if we want to start a relationship, we can. And, we can take our time and get to know each other. It’ll be great, and no one will be jealous of the other. But, I would like to say this. I don’t want–if it comes to it–to kiss you or hold hands with you in front of Blake. I don’t care if Blake kisses you in front of me, but I don’t want to do that to him. You’ve been his much longer, and I don’t care what he says, that’d make me feel some type of way if I was him. Okay?” Puzzle said.

“That’s understandable. And I definitely agree, no public shows of affection where Blake can see them. And, one more thing… If we do this, I want to be honest with each other. All the time. If we feel like it’s not working I want us to come to each other and talk about it. I don’t want to part in a bad way, and I want us to be open and honest.” I said.

“I definitely think that being honest is a key part in this relationship and that we should definitely be open to coming together and realizing that this isn’t working, if it doesn’t. Blake seems quite certain it will, but we still need this rule.” He said, and came over and sat in front of me on the window seat.

I glanced up at him, seeing his white hair illuminated by the sun behind him. I turned and glanced out the window, seeing a gardener cleaning up the neighbors lawn, and a bird flying around happily in the warm breeze. I turned and glanced back at Puzzle and smiled a bit. “I’m glad we talked about this. It feels better knowing it isn’t a secret anymore.” I said.

“I’m glad we talked about it too,” I watched his lips as he said it, curious about them. Maybe we’ll kiss, or maybe we won’t… I couldn’t wait to kiss him if we were going to kiss. I had only ever been kissed by Blake. When Blake kisses me, he completely owns every inch of my body. I can feel his kiss all over me. He completely devours me. I feel like Puzzle would be different, less domineering and more… I don’t know,  more shy and adventurous.

Puzzle and I just sat there, waiting on Blake to come back. I was excited. It gave me some answers, and it left us room for more, or to just be friends. It isn’t as serious as I was making it out to be, anymore. Blake wasn’t mad, or jealous, and I felt relieved that this discussion could, for the moment be closed. Puzzle smiled and leaned back against the window and sighed. Blake was taking forever, and I was ready to just go finish school. I needed to get all my  work done so I can have a long weekend. I sighed too and glanced around the office. He really needs to hurry up, now.

Oh wait, he’s probably just giving us time to talk. I pulled out my phone and sent him a quick message to tell him we’ve finished talking and are waiting on him to come up to the office again. He probably would want to give us as much time as we needed, so I figured that’d be the best way to get his attention. Aside from walking down to the kitchen which I really didn’t want to do if I was just going to have to walk all the way back up to the office again in five seconds.

I smiled and bit my lip, looking over at the door in anticipation. I was happy to know that I was finally done worrying about things for a few minutes. I just need to get past all of this and focus on my life. It was great to have this behind me and to finally be able to just relax.

50. ¢σммυиι¢αтισи

You are a melody, you make my heart beat in time with yours, you make my breath shallow and my mind race. You make me melt, you make me weak.

A S H T O N

Blake and I hung out all day. He took me to the doctors and I had my check up. I’m almost completely healed, and that meant that Blake and I only have another week of soft sex. I’m super excited to get back to that aspect of our relationship. I felt like we hadn’t been the same since we were not able to have the intimacy of sex. Though most of that was my head playing with me, because we loved each other… it was just different.

When we first got together our relationship was so sexually charged that we didn’t have time to really get to know each other. It was okay, but having a deeper connection seemed like a better option. I want to be with Blake forever, so it is entirely necessary for me to get to know him better.

Since getting off of the pills, I have felt less… uncertain about everything. My mind no longer felt like a black hole that was encompassing me. I no longer was attacked by my thoughts. At least, not as bad as before.

It’s a struggle, but knowing that I have people I can talk to really helps me feel… safer, I guess. I have been off of the pills for two weeks, and while I still crave them a lot, I can manage it. It’s not an easy feat, but I’m doing it. I know that life on the pills isn’t my best life, as I’m endangering myself every time I take one.

I am so lucky to have Blake, who has supported me through everything. He’s been so open and honest with me, given me anything I could ever want. He is still supporting me, even now. I’m also lucky to have Puzzle, because he’s a great friend. He gives me a different kind of support, I don’t really know how to describe it. I don’t feel like he’s going to hate me if I make a mistake. Blake has never done anything to make me think he would either, but it was harder to talk to him for me. I cared so much about his opinion that it made me scared to talk to him.

He is so understanding, so I don’t really know why I’m so scared to bring up hard things to him. I had tossed the idea around that it’s because of my parents, but I am trying so hard to move past them that I don’t want to think about them causing me any mental damage. I just want them out of my life. I’ve thought about leaving town completely, and making a new life somewhere else. Only reason I don’t is because of Blake and now Puzzle. I didn’t want to leave either of them behind here, so I stayed here.

Albeit a bit unhappily, because of the reminders of my childhood. I didn’t even have a horrible childhood, it was just… very sheltered. I felt ashamed of who I was the entire time I was alive. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel ashamed for one thing or another. But, maybe one day at least Blake and I can move away. Maybe to Alaska, I’d love it there. 

I hate and love the cold, but Alaska looks so beautiful in pictures. And they pay you to live there, I think. I don’t know for sure, but maybe???? And you’re isolated away from the outside world. You don’t have to worry about people looking at you and judging you, because you’re far enough away from everyone that there isn’t really anyone around to see you.

“You ready to get some lunch?” Blake asked me, and I glanced over at him and nodded, smiling a bit. “What are you thinking about?” He asked.

“Do you think one day we could move to Alaska?” I asked, and he raised an eyebrow. “I know it’s kinda insane and random, but I’m not talking about right now. I just like the idea of the solitude.” 

“We can definitely talk about it.” He said, and I smiled. “Though I think you’ll need to gain some weight to survive in the freezing cold temperatures, darling.”

“I do not!” I huffed, and shook my head. “I’d be fine. Besides, I never said I’d go outside.”

“You do not want to stay in the house for too long, you can develop serious mental complications from that.” He said, just when I was going to pop out a retort, he chuckled. “It’s called agoraphobia. If you isolate yourself for too long, you become afraid of the outside world. It’s a complex disorder of anxiety in situations where the person perceives their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape.  Situations can include open spaces, public transit, shopping centers, or simply being outside their home, and it’s hard to get over it.”

I blinked and nodded, letting that sink in. I couldn’t imagine not being able to go to the mall, that seemed like insanity. I mean, I’d go insane being locked in the house.

I mean, I was pretty use to being in the house a lot, but I didn’t want to spend every day inside. It seemed so… lonely. I liked to be around people too much for that to be my life. Blake went through the drive through at McDickey’s and got me a chicken sandwich and fries, and got himself a cheeseburger and fries. Two large cokes, and we were on our  way home. Puzzle was still in bed at the moment, so we didn’t worry about getting him anything. Plus, he hates McDickey’s, so that’s also a thing.

Puzzle and I had plans to hang out tonight. Blake had to go to the doctors for Puzzle’s mom at like six, just to find out how she’s doing and stuff. Puzzle knew that Blake was going, but he didn’t know that I knew anything about it yet so I’m not going to mention it. I don’t want to embarrass him, or anything. I don’t want to pressure him into talking to me about it when it was obvious that he wasn’t ready. Maybe he just was embarrassed, and I could understand that. I wasn’t exactly jumping into telling him what happened with my parents. 

“So why Alaska?” He asked, glancing over at me, as he took a bite of his hamburger. 

“I love the animals. And snow, I love snow!” I said. “I also like the whole idea of being away from people. Not being able to see your nearest neighbors house, and being able to be completely free and away from the stresses of city life.” I said.

“I guess that makes sense,” He said. “What brought this on?” I shrugged.

“I just don’t like being able to see my parents house, and know that they can see me if they look. I just… want to be away from people. I don’t know, really.” I said, and he nodded.

“You know, we could just move to the other side of town, or to another state. We don’t have to move to the coldest state in America.” He said, and I shrugged.

“I love the cold, though.” I said.

“We can take a vacation up there, and see how you like it, how about that?” He offered. “That way, you can experience it yourself and you don’t have to just move out there without knowing what you’re moving to.” He said.

“Really?” I asked, excitedly. “You’d take me to Alaska?”

“Of course, anything you want, sweets.” He said, and patted me on the head. “How are you feeling, though?” He asked. “Since you stopped taking the pills.” 

“I feel alright. I’m not anxious anymore. I still want them, I think I always will… but smoking helps with it a lot.” I said. “It also really keeps me calm, when I’m anxious.” I said.

“I”m glad that you’ve found a slightly healthier remedy to your problems. I’m not saying it’s entirely safe, it just isn’t as bad as taking pain pills.“ He said. I nodded.

“I know that there are risks to me smoking, you know. It just…” I trailed off shyly.

“No you’re good. I know the way you feel because I’ve felt it before. I use to smoke a lot of weed back in the day. I grew out of it, but some people never do. There are some drugs that I would make you go to rehab over, methamphetamine, crack, pills… if you hadn’t gotten off of them yourself, that is.” He said, and sighed deeply. “Weed isn’t one of those things. It’s a plant, and it’s not that horrible for you. It’s like smoking a cigarette, which is definitely not healthy, but it’s better than meth or heroin.” He said.

“I guess. I don’t really want to smoke a cigarette. They smell kinda bad. And, I have actually hit one before and it made me choke. It was embarrassing, and I never did it again.” I said.

“That’s good,” he laughed. “I quit smoking after fifteen years.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t picture you the smoker type.” I said.

“That’s because I quit. I mean, it was hard but health wise, it was the best idea I could ever make for myself.” he said.

“I get that. You can’t smell any smoke in the house or on anything. Usually the smell lingers around a bit, don’t it?” I asked.

“I smoked outside. I felt like it was better to keep the smell out of my house, I guess it worked. But, I never smoked in this house, anyway. I quit like two years ago, and I’ve only lived here around nine months I’d say.” He said, and I shrugged. I hadn’t realized how long he’d been here. I hadn’t realized how long we’d been together. It felt like we had been together forever, but in a different way. Like, I couldn’t remember when he wasn’t around really, but I didn’t want to, either.

It’s hard to believe that we’ve been together for nine months, almost. “So when are you going to train me as your submissive?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“I’m waiting on the doctor to give me the a-okay that you’re healed completely and I don’t have to worry about tearing stitches or messing something up.” he said, and I sighed and rolled my eyes.

“It’s taking too long.” I pouted playfully, and he just rolled his eyes.

“You’ll be begging for it soon enough, don’t you worry little one. You won’t be neglected long.” He said, a smirk on his face. He was glancing over me and I blushed and shook my head.

“You don’t have to embarrass me Daddy!” I groaned, and he just shrugged.

“It wasn’t meant to, princess. Now, eat up.” He said, and I rolled my eyes. I giggled and popped a french fry into my mouth and chewed it up. I took a sip of my coke and wiggled around in my chair a little bit. “So how’s school going?” He asked.

“Alright, I’m focusing really well right now.” I said, and he nodded.

“I noticed that your grades were climbing up really high again, and I was really proud about it. I think you’re going to graduate this year after all.” He said. “Even with how much school you lost because of being in the hospital.”

“I’m really happy that I’m passing. It’s exciting. I can’t wait to go to college. I think that I want to go to a community college around here so I can physically go and still be around you.” I said.

“I’d be fine with that. I only put you into online school so that you’d have more flexibility and be able to work even as you were sick. I was hoping to help you pass with that.” He said, and I shrugged.

“I actually prefer it to public school. But college is a little different I think. I may end up changing my mind anyway, but I don’t know. I want to try it, though.” I said.

“You can, baby, that’s perfectly fine with me.” He said as he finished his hamburger. “I’ve really missed spending time with you, and talking to you. I feel like we’ve been having a hard time communicating lately.” He said.

“Yeah, I felt really guilty about not telling you about my pills, and I was so focused on hiding it, that I didn’t pay attention to anything else. And I’m sorry.” I said, biting my lip.

“I understand, and I’m not angry, I’m just glad that it seems like you’re feeling better.” He said, and I nodded.

“I feel horrible for my behavior, honestly. When we first met, I really hated myself, because I wasn’t okay with who I was. I was embarrassed of being gay, and I was not a nice person because of it.” I said softly. “I was honestly so mean to Damien, and I’m so ashamed of that! I totally took advantage of the fact that he cared about me. I hate myself for how I treated him.” I said.

“He wasn’t the nicest to you, either. I remember him calling you a whore… I mean, I’m not saying that you were the nicest person in the world, but the two of you were not communicating correctly and it caused the two of you to be mean to each other.” He said.

“I don’t want to make up an excuse about how I acted–I acted wrong, whether he was mean to me or not. I understand that he did some things that weren’t okay too, but I’m still guilty of doing what I did.” I said, and he nodded.

“Ash, I’m really proud of you.” He said suddenly. I smiled a little, and blushed. He leaned forward and grabbed my hand, pulling it close to his lips before he kissed the back of my hand softly. “I love you.” He murmured quietly.

“I love you too,” I said softly, and smiled, glancing down at our intertwined hands, feeling like my heart was going to explode from happiness.

51. ιинιвιтισи

The way you’re looking at me makes butterflies swimming in my stomach. This feels so new, and different.

A S H T O N

I was sitting on the couch, about thirty minutes after Blake had left the house to go to the doctors appointment, when Puzzle woke up. He came down the stairs, his eyes red and his hair a mess on his head. He obviously had already smoked up before he came down here, definitely so he’d be able to eat like crazy. He was wearing a pair of pajama bottoms and a loose black tee shirt just hanging loosely off him. He looked tired, and I contemplated on whether or not he really felt like hanging out.

“Hey Ash, hungry?” He asked, and I shrugged a bit.

“I could eat, I guess. Not nearly as hungry as you I’d bet,” I teased him and he laughed and shook his head.

“You can go on up and smoke. I’ll just fix some food and join you. Help yourself, you know how to do it by now, right?” He asked, and I nodded. I was a little nervous, honestly, because all this time, any time I smoked Puzzle had been there to show me what to do. While I was sure that I knew what I was doing in front of him, I didn’t know much about what I was doing in general. He’d always done the main part of my smoking for me, really.

He’d always packed my bowl, lit it for me, and grinded up the stuff that I smoked. I wasn’t sure really how to do all that stuff by myself. How do you light it without burning yourself? I’ve never had an easy time with lighters. “I can?” I asked, and he nodded.

“I have faith that you can pack and smoke a bowl all by yourself. You’ll be fine.” He said, and patted me on the shoulder. “How does hamburger helper sound?” He asked. I nodded and he smiled. “Now go! You must grow, caterpillar.” he said, and I walked towards his room. I walked into his room and sat down on the bed. His room was pretty dark at the moment, his bedside lamp the only light in the room. I crawled over the bed to the edge where I was sitting in front of the window.

Puzzle smoked here in front of the back window in his room, I guess to keep the smell from permeating the house, and because the trees are pretty to look at lining the sky. Though at this time it’s getting dark, and the shadows cast from the trees to the yard giving it a slightly creepy look to it. I reached over onto the night stand and grabbed the pipe and the grinder, before looking down at the pipe and realizing that there was a bowl already packed in the pipe. I sighed and shook my head. He probably forgot that he packed a bowl, and just didn’t smoke it. I could see him getting really high and doing that, honestly.

I grabbed the lighter, and played with it a minute. I was trying to get comfortable using the lighter, because I hadn’t been too great at using one, ever. I put the pipe up to my lips and turned it slightly sideways so that the bowl would (possibly) be easier to light by myself. I flicked the lighter and it was really bright and as I brought it closer to the pipe, I could feel the heat wave off of the flame like it was warning me.

I took it out of my mouth, and sighed, then put it back in and lit the lighter again, this time bringing the lighter up to where the bowl was and successfully lighting it. I quickly let go of the button so the flame went out and sat the lighter down in the windowsill, inhaling the smoke from the pipe in a quick and decidedly fearless motion. I choked on small inhalations, I’d usually never suck in that much… but no one was here to see me and laugh.

I coughed a little bit, but nothing too bad. Puzzle definitely couldn’t hear me from the kitchen. I felt relieved that I wasn’t being watched. I feel really on edge sometimes because everyone is watching me. I know that they do it because they care, but sometimes it can be a bit daunting. Today had been a great day, though. I felt so close to Blake and that hadn’t happened in a long time. I had always felt out of kilter with him, somehow… Like we were too platonic and that wasn’t how I wanted it with him. With Blake, he’s sexually charged and god, I’m addicted to the way his skin feels against mine. I love it so much. I love the way we are now. I love the honesty between us, and how I feel like I can trust him again. I love that I feel safe, again.

“Hey, so there’s no ground beef. I brought chips and mac n cheddar.” Puzzle said, carrying a pot in one hand, and a bag of chips under his arm with two forks in the other hand. He smirked and sat the pot down on the bed and laid the chips down a decent ways away from it. “This is a well balanced meal, I tell ya.” He said, sitting down on the bed and crossing his legs in front of him.

“Oh totally,” I said, rolling my eyes. “It’s got so much grease and cheese, how can that ever be a bad thing for your health?” I teased.

“Never, I refuse to believe it.” He joked, and shrugged a bit. “It is really good when you put the mac n cheddar on the chips, though.” He said, and opened the chips and grabbed one out, before dipping it into the noodles and cheese.

I watched as he scooped some out onto the chip and put it in his mouth. “I’m not high enough for that level of weirdness. I’ve only taken one hit.” I said, and he rolled his eyes.

“You’ve been up here at least fifteen minutes and haven’t taken but one hit? What were you doing, picking your nose?” He teased, and I shrugged.

“I was fighting for domination with the lighter.” I admitted.

“Oh lord, you’re helpless. Do you need help?” He asked, and I shrugged. “I’ll help. Is there more in the bowl that you need to finish?” He asked. I nodded, and he grabbed the lighter and smiled. He handed me the pipe, and I held it into position for him to be able to easily light the bowl. I watched as he put it into position and struck the lighter, making the bowl light as I inhaled. He held it for a minute, and then let it go. I continued pulling on the bowl as the flame got smaller and smaller inside the bowl before going out completely.

I held my breath for a few seconds and then let go of it, coughing a bit. I blushed and shrugged, glancing down at my knees in embarrassment. “It’s okay to cough, trust me. Let’s watch some Rick and Morty, Ash.” He said, and I nodded, crawling across the bed and standing up on the floor, walking up and sitting down at the head of the bed beside him.

“Shut that door, will ya?” He asked, as he searched for Rick and Morty on his television. I just rolled my eyes. He loved that show, it honestly wasn’t my favorite, but when I’m high there are some pretty funny moments that happen that brings forth the laughter. He clicked play on the episode and I shut the door lightly. His door was easy to close, you just have to push it a bit and it’ll shut.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked as he dunked another chip in mac and cheese. I grabbed a chip and popped it in my mouth, chewing as quietly as I could.

“Eh, I slept a long ass time.” He said, his eyes watching the television. “How was your day?” He asked.

“I spent the day with Blake, and he left to go do something, so then I waited on you to wake up.” I said.

“You know, if you wanted to hang out you could have just come and woke me up, right?” He said, and I shrugged a little bit.

“I didn’t want to bother you. It seemed like it’d be rude of me to expect you to just get up whenever I want to hang out.” I said, and he shook his head.

“I enjoy spending time with you, Ash, it is completely worth it to me.” He said, and I bit my lip. I couldn’t help but want to scoot closer to him, to want to be right there beside him. I found myself looking over at him and blushing. I took another chip and ate it, slowly. “I don’t mind you coming around and waking me up. Really, just knock on the door.”

“Are you sure?” I asked him, and he nodded.

“I am positive,” He said, smiling softly. I nodded, and scooted over a little bit, getting closer and comfortable at the same time. He smiled a little and put his arm around my neck. It was a simple and innocent gesture but it made my heart beat a little bit quicker and my mind race with the thought of him being closer to me. I could smell the shower gel he used, and his shampoo. It was like every cell in my body was alert that he was in the same space with me, the fact that his body was touching mine, even innocently made my heart race. It was a different feeling to anything I’ve felt.

It wasn’t lustful or anything, it was just simple excitement. I’d felt similar with Blake, but everything with him is more sexual… I mean it’s impossible for it not to be. He’s so attractive and distracting that all I can think about in this close proximity to him is getting under him. With Puzzle it is more… satisfying, in a different way. Less sexual and more… sweet.

He glanced down at me and I blushed brightly and looked right at the television to keep from letting him know that I’d just been staring at him. He was so cute. It was a different cute, more of an adorable than a sexy and somehow that made it…. different. I don’t really know. “You’re pretty amazing, Ash.” He said after a moment.

“What do ya mean?” I asked softly, blushing and looking down at my knees.

“You’re amazing.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow.

“Why?” I asked, and he shrugged and leaned back. I leaned over a bit and rested my head on his shoulder, feeling embarrassed. I wasn’t used to people saying that I’m good at anything, the only person who’d ever done that was Blake. It was different when someone else compliments you. It just felt somehow…. different.

“Just are,” He muttered quietly, his eyes focused on the television. I could tell that he was uncomfortable with the question, so I just let it drop. I guess it’s not that important anyway, because reasoning isn’t always the most important part. “How’s it going with the pills?” He asked, and I shrugged a bit.

“I don’t really feel a desire to do them. I mean, I look at the clock and feel like I should be taking one, but I don’t really… want to? Does that make sense?” I asked. He nodded his head and smiled a bit.

“It’s good that you don’t want to. It’s a sign that you know that they aren’t good for you. You have two people you can come to if you need to. If you ever feel that need to go back, I don’t care what time of day or night it is… you can come to me. And I know that Blake feels the same way, Ash.” he said.

“I know that, and I appreciate it. I think I’m okay, though. I want to get better, and I know that I need to, if not for myself for Blake and you. I feel like I’m going to be fine. It is a struggle right now, but I’ll get through it.” I said and he nodded.

“Just know that you can come to us. I know that he cares a lot about you. I do too, and I know that you’re stubborn and don’t like to admit that you don’t have things under control, though. I need to know that you’ll go to one of us if you are in that place again.” He said.

“I promise I will, Puzzle. It’s not likely that it’ll happen. But if it does, I’ll go to you or Blake, I promise.” I said, and he nodded, kissing my forehead.

“Good,” he said, and smiled. “Anyway, I’m borrowing Blake’s car tomorrow to go to a dispensary in Maryland. It’s the best one that I have found. It’s gonna be a long drive, I could use some company if you wouldn’t mind coming with me.” He said.

“Is that okay?” I asked. “Like will we get in trouble?”

“Blake knows that I’m going, I have my own money to pay for the endeavor, and he’s lending me his car so that I can get there and back easily. He’s gonna use my moms car. I’ve made the drive a ton of times.” He said.

“And you want me to come with you?” I asked.

“I do. It’d be fun. We’d be gone around a day and a half, I’d say, because it’s a ten hour drive, plus a little, so I’d say we should probably get a motel room in Maryland and then head back in the morning after we’ve gotten some sleep.” He said, and I nodded.

“I’ll ask Blake if it’s okay. If he’s okay with it, then I’ll gladly go. This will be my first time leaving the state.” I said. He nodded.

“He more than likely will say yes.” Puzzle said. “It’ll be a ton of fun, though. You can check out the different kinds of weed there are, and maybe I’ll even buy you a vape pen so that you can smoke when I’m not around if you’d like.” He said.

“That’d be cool! Thanks so much. I’ll make sure to bring my own money so you don’t have to worry about it.” I said, and he shook his head.

“Please, I’ve got it. I get most of my stuff free, and I get discounts. If you purchase anything you’re paying full price.” He said, and I bit my lip and shook my head. “Just trust me. I’ll let you pick it out and stuff, just let me handle talking to the people.”

“Gotcha.” I smiled softly and nodded, glanced over at Puzzle. “If you’re sure.”

“Dead sure.” He smirked, and rolled his eyes. “When’s Blake gonna get back anyway?” He asked.

“After some appointment he told me he had to go to.” I said, and he nodded.

“Do you know what the appointment is over?” He asked, and I paused a moment and shook my head. “Oh, okay. I was just curious. I don’t really know either.” He said, and I could tell he was lying but just shrugged it off. He was embarrassed, Blake had told me that. I knew it, and I understood it. So I wasn’t upset at all. He’ll talk about it when he’s ready, and I’ll never let him know that I know.

I can’t betray him, or let him be embarrassed around me. I know how it is to live with the fear of being judged, and I know what it’s like to want to make your parents happy even if you don’t like who you are when you’re around them. I felt for it, and understood it. I was grateful that I knew what he was hiding so that I didn’t have to worry about what he was hiding from me. It made it a lot easier to pretend I didn’t notice.

After all, when you are about someone you’ll do anything to make them happy, even be ignorant to the signs in front of you.

52. ιиνєѕтιgαтισи

The world is a mystery, each day is an adventure. Every moment is precious, so use it while you have it.-

A S H T O N

Blake said I could go with Puzzle, as long as I kept in contact with him. He said that he wanted to make sure that I was okay, so I agreed without hesitation. I would never go off and not message Blake, that’d be incredibly thoughtless. I sighed deeply and glanced down at the bag that I was tossing clothes into. It’s gonna be a lot harder to dress up going out of town because it’s not the most comfortable attire in the world. I was excited, nonetheless. This is my first road trip with a friend.

I wished that Blake could come, though. He was the funnest person to be around and overall I loved being around him. I knew why he wasn’t going, though, and I understand. I think it’s his way of letting Puzzle and I be alone. I knew that I couldn’t think of any other reason other than the whole, well, drug thing. Blake had never really talked much about his past, but he didn’t mind weed. I guess at the least he’s tried it, but I know he doesn’t smoke now. He says he just outgrew it, so I guess maybe he did. I wasn’t too sure.

I was excited for the alone time with Puzzle though. I felt really weird trying to explore something with Puzzle in Blake’s house. Puzzle and I had kinda skirted around conversations about feelings and I felt like that was because we didn’t want to talk about it around Blake. I don’t know what Puzzle feels, but I know that I feel really bad. I love Blake, Puzzle had shown me that, but this with Puzzle felt… different somehow.

I had feelings for both of them, I knew that I loved Blake, but I don’t know how I feel about Puzzle. I need to figure that out. I heard a cough and I looked up into Blake’s eyes. I smiled immediately and blushed glancing back down. “Almost ready, princess?” he asked and I shrugged a bit.

“I don’t really know what to bring.” I admitted and he just laughed a little bit.

“Bring something that you like to wear a lot. That’ll make everything easier. Be low maintenance, though, please darling. I don’t want you to call at three am crying because you left your bedclothes at home.” Blake teased, and I just laughed a little and shrugged.

“I’ll be in another state, there’s nothing you could do in that situation.” I pointed out and he shrugged a bit. I shoved a couple pairs of socks, and my pajamas into the bag. I luckily only need one pair of pajamas, one outfit to change into and shoes, so it’s not that hard to pack. It’s just remembering all of the little things that are essential to me dressing up that makes it complicated.

“Maybe not, but I still don’t want you upset. If you need anything while you’re gone, let me know.” Blake said, and I nodded.

“I’m gonna be in contact with you for most of the time that we’re gone, except for sleep time.” I said, and he nodded and smiled.

“I know. I just want you to be careful, princess. I had you something made after you asked to go, and got it expedited here overnight so that you could have it to take with you.” Blake said, and I glanced up and raised an eyebrow. “I got you a copy of my card, so that if you need anything you can get it. Don’t let him drive stoned, order delivery. If you get hungry or thirsty, you can take care of it yourself.” he said.

“I’ll take it to make you feel better, but I don’t want your money, Blake.” I said, and he nodded.

“That’s exactly why you need it. You haven’t worked yet, and you’re about to go on a road trip with a friend. It is always good to have money for emergencies.” He explained, and I nodded. “Just take it with you, if you don’t use it, then at least you had it if you needed it. You can always return it when you get home if you want to.” Blake said and sat an envelope down on the bed. I slipped it into my bag and shut it before zipping it.

Blake walked over and grabbed me by the waist, kissing me deeply. I whined and pushed up into his lips, sinking into him. He pulled away after a minute and looked down at me. “I love you sweetheart.” He said, and grabbed my bag for me and carried it out of the room. I sighed deeply and glanced into the mirror. I miss him already. I shook my head and went down and grabbed a soda from the fridge and walked out to the car where Blake was talking to Puzzle. I walked over and the two stopped to look at me. I looked between them as silence fell and I raised an eyebrow. “What do I have something on my face?” I asked teasingly. Blake shook his head and Puzzle looked away.

“Be careful with my car. And Ashton.” Blake said, walking towards the house. “Don’t get arrested either!” He was laughing as he said it, and I rolled my eyes but smiled anyway.

“Ready?” Puzzle asked, and I nodded, going over to the passenger door and opening it and jumping in. I glanced back over at the door and saw that Blake had gone inside. I sighed deeply. Puzzle got in and started the car. “You wanna DJ? Since I want really fuck with my phone while driving,” I nodded and plugged my phone in, starting up my playlist.

He pulled out of the driveway and headed out towards the highway. I looked out the window, watching the trees passing by as he drove. I didn’t really know what to say, I didn’t know how to start a conversation now that we’re here and alone, completely so. Blake usually just started every conversation until I got comfortable enough to just start talking to him.

“What would you like from the gas station? Or did you want to go in?” He asked, and I shrugged. “You can have whatever you want.” He said, as he pulled into the parking lot.

“You’re gonna go in and get what I ask for?” I asked, and he nodded. I blinked a time or two, and thought about it for a minute.

“Would you mind a Pepsi, some lifesavers, and a bag of chips?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Be right back,” he said, and I nodded watching as he walked into the store. I pulled out my phone and went to my messages. I pulled up Blake and told him we were at the gas station getting gas and drinks. I then messaged Damien and told him that I was going out of town with Puzzle, so I wouldn’t be at home.

He’d been coming over a lot lately, and I didn’t want him to just show up and be expecting me there. It was a quick decision so I hadn’t had time to tell Damien first. I just didn’t want him to go over looking for Puzzle and I. Blake likes him a little bit, but I don’t really want Blake to have to deal with explaining everything. I must’ve zoned out because all the sudden the door opened, and I jumped. “Shit!” I cried, and Puzzle jumped too.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Here’s your drink, and your munchies.” He handed me the bag and smiled. “I gotta pump the gas though, so hold on.”

I nodded and smiled, grabbing my drink and trying to open it as he went and started pumping the gas. I sighed and sat it down in the center console, cursing under my breath. Stupid bottles are so hard to open. I never can open them, I guess because I can’t get a good grip on the lid. I put the bag of snacks down in the floorboard and toed off my shoes, pulling my feet up into the seat and crossing my legs.

Puzzle opened the door and got back into the car, and pulled out his phone and started directions. “So, we got a little later start than I intended, so the shop will be closed when we get there. I made sure to bring some with us, so we have some. We will head to the shop first thing in the morning and then grab breakfast and come home. Blake already said that it was cool, I just wanted to make sure you were cool with it.”

“Oh, no that’s cool. I feel like I’ll probably be too tired tonight to enjoy it anyway, because long car rides always make me sleepy.” I said, and he laughed and nodded.

“Tell me about it.” He laughed. I rolled my eyes and shrugged a bit. “Do you have your ID?” he asked, and I nodded. “It’s valid too, right?” he asked.

“It’s just my Id, I can’t drive with it but I can buy cigarettes with it, so I assume this will work as well, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, that works. As long as you can purchase cigarettes then it’s good.” He said, and I nodded. “Have you ever smoked a cigarette?” He asked, and I shook my head no.

“No, I just bought a pack for my friend once, when his ID expired. I know you’re not supposed to, but they wouldn’t accept his expired ID.” I said, and he nodded.

“No judgement here, I have smoked a couple times, but it just wasn’t for me. I hate the taste of tobacco unless it’s after sex.” He laughed.

“Is it better then or something?” I asked.

“I don’t know, maybe it’s just fun because you see it in movies.” He said and shrugged. “It just hits different, somehow.” I nodded and shrugged.

“I guess, I wouldn’t really know.” I laughed, and bit my lip. “I would’ve been murdered if I smoked a cigarette at home.” I admitted. “My parent’s were strict, but they never really had to enforce anything because I went out of my way to do whatever they wanted.”

“Hey, and that’s fine. Smoking cigarettes is really terrible for your health anyway.” He said and I nodded, shrugged a bit and glanced out the window. “My mom wasn’t really strict at all. She never paid any attention to what I did. She didn’t really care.”

His eyes never left the road as he said it, but I had a feeling that it hurt him saying it. I am sure that if she was the way he described her, it was because of her mental illness, but I wasn’t sure if that could be used as an excuse. Parents who can’t take care of their children shouldn’t have them, but then… who am I to judge anyone else, anyway? I don’t know the full story, so I can’t even give an educated guess on the situation.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and he shrugged a bit.

“She always tried, and that’s what matters to me. Anyway, when we get about halfway there we have to stop and get some lunch, because I don’t want you to get too hungry. And Blake threatened to cut my balls off if I didn’t feed you.” He laughed and shook his head.

“Is that what he was saying when I walked out?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“That was when he was giving me the don’t be reckless with the car speech.” He rolled his eyes. “He seems to forget who even taught me how to drive in the first place.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Blake did. Blake was kind of like a step in dad because mine sucked.” Puzzle said, and I nodded.

“I still don’t know how to drive, yet. I want to learn to, but before my surgery it wasn’t really safe for me to drive, and then the whole pill thing happened, and it was really dangerous then,” I said. He nodded his head and shrugged.

“I understand that. You can’t drive if you have a crippling headache. And you sure as hell don’t want to drive on opiates, so you made the best decision possible to wait.” I nodded as he talked and glanced out the window at the passing trees. I could see the sun poking through the trees, and hear the birds chirping as we zipped past them. I was surprised to see how steady the car was, and was curious over why Blake was so worried about him driving because he seemed to be pretty good at driving.

“So, the motel room I got has a bed, and a pull out couch. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with me, I’ll sleep on the couch. I had planned on getting two beds, but they only had single beds.” He said, and I nodded.

“I don’t really care,” I bit my lip and glanced over at him. I’d never actually shared a bed with anyone but Blake, so I wasn’t sure what that entailed, really. I looked over Puzzle, taking in his features as he focused on the road. I bit my lip as I realized how cute he was. The natural lighting brought out the lightness of his skin, and the blueness of his eyes. It was a deep, sapphire like blue under the light, and his hair was almost white under the sun. I had never really paid that much attention at first over what he looked like, and it was different to see him. Like usually we were hanging out in the evening when there’s not a lot of light. Seeing him surrounded by the natural light was kind of eye opening. I also noticed how his jeans were tight and had holes in the knees, and the light colored tee with something psychedelic on the front. I couldn’t see the full picture.

“You look nice, but isn’t that outfit a bit uncomfortable for riding in the car?” He asked, and I shrugged. I hadn’t exactly thought about it when I put on the skirt and the tank top. The most uncomfortable part probably was the breast forms, which made my chest a little sweaty in the heat.

“That’s why I wore a cloth skirt with an elastic waistband!” I said, and he just shrugged.

“It looks good,” He said, and I blushed a bit and looked out the window again, biting my lip. I had purposefully dressed up a little too nice, hoping that he’d notice it, even silently. I hadn’t expected him to say anything about it, though. “Don’t be embarrassed,” he said and I glanced back over at him.

“I’m not really embarrassed, I just didn’t expect you to notice, or say that you noticed it, either way.” I said.

“That’s because usually we’re at home, where Blake is, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.” He said, and switched lanes quickly. “If you get tired don’t worry, just nap. It’s a long way, so just relax as much as you can.” I smiled and nodded.

“I’m gonna try to stay up the whole time.” I said, and he shrugged. “I may not can, though,” I admitted.

“Well, either way, it doesn’t matter.” He smiled.

I sighed and changed the song, and glanced at the time. 12:15pm. We wont reach Maryland for ten more hours, and we’re stopping for food halfway through so… whew this is gonna be a long ride.

53. ¢σиfιямαтισи

Something about us just feels right, and in this moment I’m a little bit lost in the endless abyss that is you.-

A S H T O N

By the time that we reached a restaurant my legs were desperate for a walk. I was exhausted and I could only imagine how Puzzle felt because he’d been focused so heavily on driving that he hadn’t really been able to stretch his legs at all. I felt kind of bad because I was just a ride along, when it’d be easier on him if he had of gotten someone to tag along that could drive too. Blake and I had been talking constantly, and Puzzle and I finally started talking about something other than awkward stuff that didn’t really matter. I liked that he and I had so much in common. We like the same music, the same books, and food.

I hadn’t expected that, because Puzzle and I are polar opposites, and it doesn’t seem like we would share the same interests like that. I didn’t share much common ground with Blake as he was older and had more of a sophisticated set of interests. He preferred quieter music, with educational-esque books, and fancy food. He will eat stuff like McDonalds and stuff, but he definitely preferred more expensive foods.

It was different to have someone that actually shared interests with me, because even with Damien we were so different we didn’t really share interests. We just did different things together, so that we would have company. We would do things that were boring just because we couldn’t decide on something we both wanted to do.

“Let’s go, hopefully we can speed on down to Maryland, and hopefully not be dead by that time.” He said.

“Do you want to eat in the car?” I asked.

“We can eat in if you’d like. I could use a break from driving anyway.” I nodded and smiled. I could use a break from the car, anyway. I officially dislike long drives just because of how tiring it is. Like the farthest I’ve ridden in a car was this, because all our family lived in the city, or at most an hour away. I had enjoyed all the talking though, because as we rode along, we talked. It was fun, because it was just an open ended conversation, it could go anywhere. That was fun, interesting.

“Let’s eat quick though, I’d like to have some time to relax once we get there, and we should probably stop by a store and grab drinks and some chips and shit, so that we don’t have to be hungry or thirsty.” Puzzle said. “Just make a list, and if you don’t want to go in I can go in by myself.”

“No trust me, after this ride, a store will be perfect to stretch out my body.” I said, and groaned. “I’m like, stiff.”

“Yeah, sitting down for hours on end in an uncomfortable position will do that. Here, lets order.” He said, and I nodded.

-   +   -

The ride seemed to never end and I was getting exhausted. By the time we pulled into the motel parking lot it was 11 pm and we just made it before we lost the room for the night. I was relieved to see the motel, and was super ready to just go in and crawl into the bed. I also wanted to hang out with Puzzle, though. We only had one night together and I wanted to try my best to figure out what we are, or what we can be tonight. I want to know how I feel, and how he feels, without worrying about Blake. It was important that we figure out what we are.

I know that today with Puzzle has been a lot of fun, and it wasn’t what I had expected. He was a lot more relaxed around me now that we are alone, and I feel like that’s definitely a start. I hadn’t expected to feel this way around him. He made me feel less… off-balance. With Blake he’s in control the whole time, and that’s nice because I don’t always want control. But it is nice to have someone I am on an even playing field with.

Puzzle grabbed our overnight bags and took them up to the room. I was surprised at how nice the motel was, because I’d always heard that motels were trashy. It wasn’t a five star resort, but it was pretty decent, actually. “Want to smoke a bowl?” Puzzle asked, and I nodded, sitting down on the bed and crossing my legs. Puzzle’s eyes looked over me from where he was sitting and looked away, grabbing the weed and the pipe. “I just brought a little bit to get us through the night, because we’re going to the dispensary in the morning.”

“That makes sense.” I watched as he packed a bowl and then handed it to me. He pulled out a lighter and lit the bowl for me as I sucked in on the bowl. Once I’d taken as much as I could, I pulled away and held my breath for a moment, letting the weed sink in a little bit. I exhaled and was relieved when I didn’t cough like a maniac. I watched as Puzzle smoked the rest of my bowl, and then packed another one.

“Ready for more, or need a minute?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“I could wait a minute, honestly.” I said. “I don’t want to make a bunch of noise.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain.” He said. He lit his bowl and started inhaling. I watched him, entranced. He looked hot, sitting there with his pipe in hand, a lighter, and his eyes looking over me. I felt a blush rushing across my face, and realized I was not high enough to contemplate the feelings rushing through my body.

He packed another one, and offered it to me, and I put it in my mouth. I watched as he held the lighter over the bowl. I started inhaling and took as much as I could and stopped, handing it to Puzzle so he could finish it off for me. I held my breath for a moment, and when I exhaled I coughed a little bit, but I could feel the high coming on, so I leaned back against the headboard of the bed.

Puzzle packed another bowl, and smoked it, then turned around on the bed to face me. “What’s up?” He asked.

“Nothing,” I said absently, looking over him. My body was tingling in the most delightful way, and I almost wanted to touch him. I had felt this a couple times when we smoked, but Blake was always there, so I’d go to him.

“I know you’ve been holding something back, I know you pretty well. What is it? This is a safe space.” He said, and I shrugged a little.

“I’ve just been thinking a lot, because I didn’t have a whole lot to do.” I said, and he nodded.

“What about?” He asked, and I bit my lip.

“Well… honestly I was thinking about us. Where we go from here.” I said, and he bit his lip.

“I guess we should talk about that while we have some privacy.” He said. “I guess I can start. Ash, I really like you. I think you’re amazing. I know you’ve got something with Blake, and that it’s incredibly selfish for me to put you in this situation, but I can’t help it. There’s something about you…” He said, and bit his lip. “You’re gorgeous, I mean, hell. I thought you were hot when we first met.”

“You thought I was cute?” I asked him nervously.

“Well, yeah. Hot actually.” He said, and I bit my lip.

I had noticed that he was attractive, but I’d been blinded by jealousy over Blake at the time and hadn’t even thought about it. “It didn’t happen at first for me,” I admitted. “The longer I spent around you, the more comfortable I felt. And somewhere in that time span, I realized that I thought you were pretty cute and… I really began to look at you in a different way.”

“Ash,” he said softly, and scooted closer to me. “I don’t know how this will work, I don’t know what this kind of relationship is like. I know that this is gonna be really difficult, and it could end, but dammit, I want to try.” I looked up into his eyes and sighed deeply. He put his hand on my neck and pulled me closer to him. I found myself nose to nose with him, his warm breath brushing over my lips with each exhale. His eyes were searching mine, and after a moment, I closed my eyes as he leaned forward and our lips met in the middle.

This kiss was soft, timid. I could tell he was being extra careful, to make sure that I could push him away if I wanted to. But I found myself wrapping my arms around him and pulling him closer to me. Our lips were moving slowly, his tongue slid out and licked at my lip, I slipped my mouth open, and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. His hand came up to the back of my head, tilting my face up a bit, as he explored my mouth.

My mind was racing, I sank into his kiss. I found myself moving closer to him, straddling his hips. his other hand slid down to my hip and I could feel his fingers against my side where my tank top had ridden up a little bit. I felt like my blood was boiling beneath my skin, each movement of our lips stirring the fire inside of me. He pulled away after a couple moment and breathed in deeply, looking over my face.

“That was…” He trailed off, his eyes searching mine.

“Great,” I murmured softly, blushing and looking away from him. My mind was blurry, almost, and I could feel myself in my skirt, hard as a rock. Perhaps it was a good thing I wore a skirt, after all. I could feel the warmth of his body sinking into mine from beneath his clothes, through mine, and I was completely distracted by it.

“Does that answer your questions?” Puzzle asked softly, his hands sliding down to my hips.

“I think it does, yeah.” I said, and laughed a bit. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He coughed a bit and shifted us around suddenly, distancing himself from me. I bit my lip and looked at him, confused momentarily.

“The tits feel pretty real, at least through clothing,” He muttered, laughing a bit. I blushed, glancing down at my chest. I loved the way they looked on me, and I was a little tempted to get implants, or something. I kind of wanted real boobs, so that they would have feeling in them.

“Yeah, they even mimic the skin feeling,” I said.

“Really?” He asked, his eyes shooting down to them, before he looked away. I stood up and walked over to my bag and grabbed my pajamas out of the bag. I smirked a little, and turned around so that he couldn’t see the front of me. I pulled my tank top off and grabbed for my sheer pajama shirt. Since I started dressing up Blake had let me do some online shopping and i found the cutest pajama sets, which have tank tops that are lace, but come up to your mid stomach and shorts. Blake liked them, but he preferred me naked.

As I put the tank top on, I could feel his eyes watching me as I dressed. I wasn’t sure where this had come from, but I quite enjoyed it. It was like a game, teasing him. I then pushed my skirt down and folded it neatly into my bag. I grabbed my shorts and slid them on, going slow as I pulled them up over my ass. I’d worn just regular boy shorts today, so he wasn’t seeing everything just little pieces and it was fun. All the sudden I felt a warm body behind me, and was overtly aware that he was pressing his body against my back.

Suddenly all the blood rushed from my face to my dick and I felt a tad bit dizzied from the quick and sudden blood rush. I could feel his warmth, he was shirtless now, something I missed while I was focused on teasing him. “I know what you’re doing, Ash. It isn’t fair,” he teased a little, running his nose down my neck slowly. I’d felt Blake do that a hundred times, but this time it just felt a little… different. With him, everything is calculated. He knows how to rile me up, immediately. With Puzzle it’s less intentional, it feels.

“Not fair?” I feigned ignorance. “Will you pull this hair bow out of my hair?” I asked, and he nodded without hesitation. He pulled out the hair tie, and I shook my head a little, letting the hair fall down and settle on my shoulders. “Much better, my head always is sore after wearing a hair bow all day.” I said, and he smiled a little and shook his head.

“We should go to sleep. Got a long day tomorrow.” He said, and I nodded, sighing deeply. This time tomorrow we’d be home again, and don’t get me wrong, I wanted to go home… I just was disappointed that this had to end already. I was having a great time, and I didn’t really want it to end. Though I did hope that we could continue towards this when we returned, it was just different here where I didn’t worry about upsetting Blake.

This whole thing is so new that I don’t know exactly what to think about this at the house. I walked over to the bed and laid down. I watched for a moment as Puzzle started cleaning off the couch. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Getting ready to sleep?” He asked back and I raised an eyebrow.

“This bed is definitely big enough for two people.” I said, and he shrugged.

“Maybe, but I don’t want to pressure you, Ash.” He said, and I sighed.

“I wasn’t sighing because I didn’t want you to sleep with me, I was sighing because I really am enjoying this and I am sad that it’s going to end so quickly.” I said, and he raised an eyebrow.

“I am too, it’s nice not worrying about upsetting Blake. I know he says he’s okay with it… I just don’t want to push him, or for him to feel like I’m rubbing it in his face.” He said, and I nodded.

“I totally understand because I feel the same way. But for tonight you can sleep with me.” I said, and he nodded, shrugging a bit.

“As long as you’re comfortable.” He said, and walked over, crawling into bed beside me. I scooted a little closer and laid facing towards the window. After a moment or two of silence, I heard him mutter something and roll over, throwing one of his arms over my waist and pulling me back into him. After a moment or two, his head was nestled behind mine.

I found that position just as comforting as the way I laid with Blake when I was at home. I let my eyes slip shut, surprised by how tired I really was.

54. fαмιℓιαяιzαтισи

When you find yourself in a mess of complicated feelings, don’t be afraid to feel them. Nothing in life is simple, and the most beautiful skies show up after a thunderstorm.

A S H T O N

When I woke up in the morning, I was excited about going to the dispensary. I didn’t even know they were that big. I don’t really know what I was expecting to walk into, but I guess I figured it’d be somewhat like a small pharmacy or something. There was all kinds of stuff that could be in a pharmacy, and I didn’t really know what to expect in this kind of pharmacy. It wasn’t like anything I was expecting, that’s for sure. The counter by where the checkout was had a lot of little treats, everything from rice crispy treats to little single servings of cake. I didn’t really expect that, but I knew that edibles were a thing. I just didn’t realize they’d be in a dispensary. I also didn’t know the sheer amount of different kinds of weed there were, or that they all did slightly different things. I hadn’t ever imagined that there was more than just a few, and I thought that it was kind of like a prescription of antibiotics… that they all worked the same and delivered similar results.

I was awestruck when we walked into it, it just had so much stuff. It was fascinating to look around and see everything that they had. I didn’t realize that they would have such a wide selection of things. They didn’t just have the weed, they had little things that you could smoke out of. They had an assortment of what looked like an electronic cigarette, but with different designs and colors.

They had mason jars full of weed on shelves, and little bottles of oil behind the counter. They had some little containers that looked kind of like EOS containers, with little rock like things in them. They also had this gross looking wax stuff, that looked like earwax to me. They had some pipes, and bowls. They didn’t have many of those, not really sure why, but I don’t guess it really matters. It must just not be something that they sell much of. Or they are really expensive, and no one wants to buy them.

Puzzle was looking around, and it left me just standing on my own. I felt a little awkward, because I didn’t know what to look at, or if it was weird to just stare at something trying to figure out exactly how you’d work it. I could hear Puzzle talking to the guy at the counter, but I didn’t really want to go over there. I didn’t want to embarrass him by being weird. I had been having such a good time, I’d hate to ruin it by being awkward.

I found myself just staring at a bunch of different cards on the strain of the weed, just reading them all out of curiosity. I glanced up at the wall in front of me and saw that each card had a matching mason jar with varying amounts of weed in them. So it’s describing it to you, that’s cool. I found that tactic interesting and helpful. It didn’t take up too much space, and it made it so you had an option not to look at the whole tag if you knew exactly what you wanted already. That’s a pretty smart business move, really. It makes it convenient for both the new smokers, and the old smokers.

“Ash,” Puzzle said, and I glanced up and looked at him. “Come here,” he laughed a little and I bit my lip and walked over to him. I hadn’t felt shy around him yet, so I wasn’t really sure how to behave, exactly. I wanted to seem cool, not really lame and annoying. “You should pick out some strains from these carts here for me.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow curiously.

“Why?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“You won’t pick the same five strains I always pick for myself.” He explained smoothly, and I shrugged. I glanced down in the casing where these little boxes sat, and I was confused.

“What’s that?” I asked dumbly, and he laughed.

“Those are cartridges. They are essentially similar to an electronic cigarette. They are easier on your lungs, and there’s little to no tar going into your lungs. Overall, I highly suggest them, as they are also more potent and last longer. For a light smoker, one of these could last probably a month, depending on how often they smoke, what wattage they are vaping it at, and how much they hit it. A heavy  smoker could probably smoke one in a week, to two weeks depending on the same variables.” The worker chimed in. “While they cost more for one, it really does come out evenly in the end, sometimes even cheaper.”

“Oh, that’s cool. So you just put them on one of the little vape pens over there then?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Yes, that’s correct.” I bit my lip.

“Hmm… in that case, I could just pick out however many Puzzle wants randomly, I don’t see why you shouldn’t just try them all.” I pondered, and Puzzle laughed. “How many?” I asked him. He shrugged.

“How much would 10 be?” Puzzle asked, and the guy blinked a couple seconds looking shocked.

“That would be $250, before taxes. Add in the two ounces of herb you already got over there and that’s around $500. If you don’t already have vaporizers I can toss in a couple for free, along with a couple edibles.” He said.

“Really?” Puzzle asked, looking surprised.

“Yeah, we are running a secret sale, and the manager told me that anyone who spent over $300 dollars this week gets a couple free edibles, and for every hundred after that they get one free item priced up to their most expensive piece of merchandise.” He explained.

“That’s awesome. Yeah, that works. Good thing I’ve been saving for two months, this is well worth the trip.” Puzzle said, and he laughed.

“Yeah, it’s for people who may become regulars in the store. Gotta do something to make the business stand out with so many opening up around here.” He explained. “So you just want ten random carts, too?” Puzzle nodded.

“Pick out your favorites,” Puzzle said, and he nodded. He grabbed them one at a time, taking care to read each one. I was impressed with his customer service skills, he seemed to genuinely care about making Puzzle happy. Most employees I’d seen barely want to even be there. It was really inviting, actually.

“Um, do you have to have a med card to buy anything?” I asked curiously.

“Without a med card, I’m afraid you have to be 21 to purchase marijuana products here. With one, the state allows us to sell to anyone eighteen or older without a parent or guardian present.” He explained and I sighed.

“That sucks.” I said, and he nodded.

“I know man, I’m sorry.” He said, and Puzzle shrugged.

“It’s not your fault, abiding by state laws is important when running a business. You wouldn’t be open long if you didn’t.” He laughed. “Just add in like two more carts for me.”

“Alright that I can do.” The guy said, and grabbed two more out of the counter and put them on the counter with the rest of the stuff. “Are you ready to check out?” He asked, and Puzzle nodded. The guy started inputting the quantities of the stuff he bought, and went over to the pens on the wall. “What colors would you like?”

“Pink and silver and green with silver.” He said, and the guy grabbed the two. He walked back to the register and sat them down. “What kind of edibles would you like?” He asked.

“A rice crispy and a brownie.” Puzzle responded. The guy grabbed two of them and put them on the counter. He finished ringing everything up.

“Can I get your med card and your ID?” he asked Puzzle and he handed them both over easily. He scanned them and it made a chirp. “Would you like to swipe your insurance card as well?” He asked.

“Does that take money away from you guys?” Puzzle asked.

“The insurance pays for it at the end of the day, so we still get the profit from everything you buy it’s just not instantaneous. Don’t worry about that.” He said kindly.

“Alright, you guys are just giving me free stuff, I don’t want to take profit away from the business.” He laughed and handed him his card. He typed in the numbers quickly and a sound I’d only ever heard a card reader make when a card accepts played out and he handed all of the cards back to Puzzle. “Alright, that took you down a whole lot more than I was expecting! That’s amazing. A lot of people barely get any help with their payments because people still try to discriminate against a lot of smokers. Alright, it’s gonna be $375.81.” He said, and Puzzle pulled out his card and handed it to the guy. He swiped it, and it made the approved sound again, and he handed it back. He bagged all the stuff and handed it to Puzzle. 

“Is there a place I can leave a review?” Puzzle asked, and the guy nodded.

“If you go on google, you can search for us on there and give your review.” He said, and Puzzle nodded.

“What’s your name?” He asked.

“Cyrus.” He said.

“Alright, thank you very much for the help, hopefully I’ll see you next time. Have a nice day.” Puzzle said, and he nodded.

“Bye guys, see you next time. Have a great day!” He said, and smiled.

We walked out of the store and to the car, jumping in and he handed me the bags.

“Half of everything in there is yours.” Puzzle said, and I looked over at him wide eyed.

“Nu-huh! You just spent your money on this stuff, I’m not taking half.” I said, and he rolled his eyes.

“Please, just take it. Blake gave me some extra money to get you your own stuff anyway.” I just sighed and shrugged.

“I don’t want half of it, though.” I said, and he just shook his head.

“Blake told me to get you whatever I got. So that’s what I’m doing. Just take it.” Puzzle said, and I sighed deeply and shook my head.

“Fine!” I relented, and bit my lip grabbing my phone out of my pocket and shooting Blake a message telling him that we had just left the dispensary and was heading to get food before heading home.

I had a couple messages from Damien, and I opened them and briefly read over them.

Damien [11:04]: Hey dude, I forgot to ask where you were going on your trip. And Blake is okay with you being alone with Puzzle?

I sent him a message back telling him where we were and that yes, Blake was okay with me being alone with Puzzle. “You can actually vape on one of those carts as long as you keep your window down, so the smoke doesn’t get in my face.” He said.

“Oh, okay, that’s cool. Which one did you want?” I asked him, and secretly hoped he said he wanted the green one, because the pink one was really pretty and I really wanted it.

“I thought you’d like the pink one, but if you’d like you can have the green one.” He said, and I shook my head.

“I just didn’t know which one you wanted. Pink is sort of my favorite color.” I said, and he laughed.

“Yeah, I figured. Where would you like to eat today?” He asked.

“How about chick-fil-a?” I asked.

“Sounds good,” He said, and headed that way. “You want to just eat in the car this time?” He asked.

“Yeah, that’d be nice. Fewer people.” I said, and he nodded. After a quick ride through the drive-thru he pulled into a parking space and handed me the bag that had the food in it. I handed him his chicken sandwich and fries, and grabbed mine.

“This has been really fun. You should come on all my road trips with me.” Puzzle said.

“Yeah it has been really fun. I definitely will come with you again! This is the first time I’ve ever done anything like this.” I said, and he nodded.

“My mom took me last time because I wasn’t old enough to buy it for myself. That was an interesting ride.” He laughed. “She is not good at driving, so she kept me pretty freaked out the whole way there. She also went to a really shitty dispensary a little farther down because she has a friend that lives out here and she wouldn’t come unless she got to visit him.”

“I’d hate to do anything like this with my parents. I had to be someone I’m not to keep them from being angry, and doing that for hours in a car would be misery.” I said, and he nodded. “I haven’t spoke to my parents in months.”

“Why?” He asked.

“Well, when I accidentally fell out of the metaphorical closet, they didn’t take it too well. My dad got really angry. He got a little rough, hurt me a bit, and my mom just watched. I don’t know why she didn’t try to help me, but I guess she had her reasons.” I said.

“That really, really sucks. I know how that can be very hurtful, and your dad is a terrible person.” He said, and put his hand on my leg gently. I smiled a bit and blushed. The gesture alone made me feel a little less uneasy, and I couldn’t help but be thankful. It made it feel easier to talk about it, because he wasn’t making me feel bad for talking about it.

“He definitely sucks, I wish my mom would leave him. I feel like she only does what she does because she has to, to keep him happy. I don’t know, but it makes me really sad that I can’t depend on either of them to support me. I just wish one of them cared a little, it feels like I’ve just been abandoned.” I said.

“She may have been beaten before, and was scared to act. I don’t really know them, so I can’t tell you for sure what she was thinking but, realistically most parents couldn’t just stand idly by and watch their child get hurt.” Puzzle said.

“I thought I’d notice if my mom was being beaten, surely there’d be signs?” I asked him.

“Sometimes, but if she wanted to protect you bad enough she probably hide it.” He said softly. “But I don’t know her, so I can’t really tell you. I’m just trying to help.”

“I know, he may be abusive, I probably will never know. My mom isn’t in my life anymore.” I said. He sighed deeply and nodded.

“Maybe some day she will come around.” Puzzle said, taking the final bite of his chicken sandwich. “Can you eat while I drive?”

“Yeah, I can.” I laughed.

“Alright, because it’s a long drive and we’ll probably have to stop and get food again halfway through.” He said and I nodded.

“No, I totally get it. Drive like the wind, Christopher Cross.” He laughed and shook his head.

“Leave it to you to crack a joke and make me laugh.” He teased, and pulled out of the parking space and then out onto the road. I sighed deeply, getting ready for the exhausting journey. I’m not going to use the pen until we get home because I don’t want to tease Puzzle, it just seems cruel. So I’ll just sit here and talk to him, and play on my phone. I’ll do my best to make the drive home as easy as possible for him.

55. αвѕтяα¢тισи

Things don’t always turn out how we think that they will, the concept of the future is abstract, something we can only ponder over but never really grasp. What we do know is that, in the end, everything is as it should be. If it’s not, it isn’t the end yet.

A S H T O N

When Puzzle and I arrived home, I was relieved. I had a wonderful time, but I was really tired of the car. I’d managed to stay awake the whole time miraculously, so I was borderline exhausted. Blake had apparently ran out to the store just before we got home, but had left a note in case we got back before him. Obviously we had, so we were just sitting on the couch and Puzzle was showing me how the pen worked while we were waiting on Blake to get back. I found myself taking a slow hit on it.

Puzzle had divided everything evenly between us, and I didn’t really understand why. He hadn’t let me pay for it, and he wouldn’t let me not take half. I appreciated it, but I didn’t even have a way to smoke the herb without him, so it didn’t really make sense. I also wasn’t really sure where to put it, or how Blake would feel about it. I know that he was okay with me smoking with Puzzle, but I don’t really know if he’ll be okay with me smoking without Puzzle. However if he really did give him the money for me to get some of my own then why would he have a problem with it? I reached up and ran my finger over my collar, smiling a little.

I was excited to see Blake, I’d really missed him while we were gone and I couldn’t wait for him to get home. “I had a lot of fun.” Puzzle said. “I appreciate you staying up on the ride back, I really didn’t know if I could have stayed awake without you keeping my mind busy.”

“You could’ve pulled over for a nap, but it was no problem. It’s a long drive, and I can only imagine how boring it was to just be staring aimlessly at the road for ten hours.” I said, and he shrugged.

“A thirty minute nap in the car wouldn’t have been enough, I would’ve needed to get a room for the night, and I didn’t want to push any boundaries with Blake.” Puzzle said, and sighed. “Driving is my least favorite thing to do in any scenario.”

“I’ve never driven, really so I wouldn’t know anything about it.” I said. My phone started buzzing and I looked down and saw that it was Damien calling. I sighed. “Mind if I take this?” I asked and he nodded and grabbed for his pen. I answered the call and put the phone up to my ear. “Hello?” I asked.

“Hey Ash, did you guys get back alright?” Damien asked, and I smiled a little.

“Yeah, we just got back actually.” I said.

“Did you have fun?” He asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah, it was great. We are both really tired though, it was a long drive. What’s up?” I asked.

“Well, a girl I recently started seeing lives over on a street behind Blake’s and your parents and I was on my way home last night and some guy was standing outside Blake’s. I couldn’t get in touch with Blake last night, and I was trying to get a better look at him so I didn’t pull into the driveway. I wanted to let you know so you could tell Blake.” Damien said.

“Did you recognize him?” I asked, thinking maybe it was my dad.

“I didn’t but he was older. I know it wasn’t your dad, though.” Damien said. “That was who I originally thought it was, but your dad has a bigger build than the guy that was out there.”

“That’s really weird, I’ll definitely tell him as soon as he gets home.” I said.

“Alright, well be careful. I don’t know why he was there, so just be cautious and keep the doors locked.” Damien recommended.

“Definitely. Thank you, goodnight.” I said.

“Goodnight.” He responded and then cut the line. I sighed deeply and glanced over at the door and noted that it was locked.

“What was that about?” Puzzle asked, and I shrugged.

“Apparently there was some guy outside the house last night when Damien was on his way home from his girlfriends.” I said, and Puzzle looked around anxiously.

“Really?” Just as he said it the doorknob wiggled for a minute and he jumped up and pushed me behind him. The door opened after a moment, and Blake walked in, looking at us. He raised an eyebrow and looked over us skeptically.

“You guys alright?” He asked.

“Well… yeah. Just, Damien said that there was someone outside the house last night.” I said, and Blake glanced back out the door for a second and nodded.

“Alright, I thought I saw someone out there last night but I didn’t know for sure. I’m sure it’s fine, and if not, I’ve got a pistol so we’ll be fine either way. Just stay inside at night, alright?” He said. “And if either of you see anyone outside, just call the police. There’s no reason to call the police if no one is out there now.” He shut the door and locked it behind him.

“Puzzle do me a favor and check the door in the dining room, and bring one of the chairs from the dining room and put it under the doorknob.” Blake said, carrying the bags of groceries into the kitchen. Puzzle went into the dining room and I followed after Blake. “How was your trip?” Blake asked me as he began putting groceries away.

“It was fun, the dispensary is really cool, and it’s got a lot of stuff. I didn’t realize they made so many different kinds of weed. It was interesting. I wasn’t old enough to buy anything myself, but Puzzle bought me the same amount of stuff that he got, so I have some.” I said, and he nodded.

“Yeah, I know. I got you something in the bedroom to put it in, so that you don’t have to worry about somewhere to put it.” Blake said, and smiled. He kissed me on the forehead. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, daddy.” I said, and he smiled again.

“I know. Have you guys eaten or do you need to eat still?” He asked and I shook my head.

“We stopped and got food a little while ago, so we should be good.” I said, and he nodded.

“Alright, well, are you about ready for bed? I can imagine you’re both rather tired.” He said, and I nodded.

“I’m exhausted, and all I did was ride.” I admitted, and he laughed.

“Car rides can be that way sometimes, well, if you’d like we can head on up to bed,” He said, and I nodded, smiling a bit. “However, I would like to talk to you before we go to sleep.”

“Am I in trouble?” I asked, fear sinking into my stomach. I never want Blake to be upset with me, nor do I want him to begin to hate me.

“No, it’s nothing bad. Just grab your stuff and head up to our room and I’ll be up in a minute. Just going to double check the windows down here in case any are unlocked.” Blake said, and I nodded, grabbing the bag that Puzzle had put my stuff in. I started up the stairs and glanced back down to see Blake. He looked so handsome as he checked the windows, I couldn’t help but stare for a moment before I hurried on up to the bedroom to avoid getting into trouble.

We had to stop doing a lot of kinky stuff because I was sick, so I really didn’t want to push him now that I’m a little better. He can’t be super rough, but he sure could spank me if I act up now without it causing any significant damage to me. He hasn’t began training me yet, because he wants the okay from the doctor so I don’t know if he even would but I really don’t want to test him and find out.

He’d never really punished me before and I was really nervous about that. I want to do everything I can to please him so he never has to punish me, but I feel like that’s an unreachable goal. Everyone makes mistakes, so I’m sure it’s inevitable. However, it’s still really unnerving because I don’t know what to expect from it. I want to know, but I also never want to disappoint him to the point he feels he needs to punish me. I don’t know if I’ll hate it, or like it… I just want to know what to really expect from it. I want to know how it’ll make me feel, or something like that. I don’t know, maybe I’m just worrying over nothing. Maybe I’m taking something that isn’t a big deal and turning it into a big deal.

“Alright, all the windows are locked, no one is getting in without making a racket and waking at least one of us up.” Blake said, and smiled a bit. He walked over to the closet and opened it, grabbing something out of the top of the closet. He carried it over to the bed and sat it down, and then patted the bed. I walked over and sat down beside him. “I got you this while you were gone because I knew you’d come home with some stuff and need a safe place to put it.” Blake said, and pulled out a box from the bag. “Open it.”

I grabbed the box, and carefully opened it, pulling out the prettiest little box I’ve ever seen in my life. It wasn’t really little, it was like a cigar box, almost. It was made with heavy dark wood, and had an adorable little butterfly painted onto it. The butterfly was really detailed and took up most of the cover of the box, I was really surprised at how vibrant the colors of the butterfly was. The front of it had a little lock kind of thing on the front of it, that made it look really adorable. It was a black metal type of lock, that slipped around a little circle piece that was on the front that’d lock the whole box.

“Oh, it’s beautiful. Thank you!” I said, and he smiled.

“Open the box.” He said and I nodded, undoing the little lock and opening the box up. Inside of the box was something wrapped in light pink thin paper with a little butterfly sticker holding the paper together. I grabbed it out and opened it up, gently removing the sticker to preserve the beautiful packaging. Inside of the paper was a little pipe kind of like the one Puzzle had, except mine was light pink with lilac purple swirls through it, and on the side of the pipe it had a butterfly flying and Princess painted in white. It was gorgeous.

“Oh my god, I love it! It’s beautiful.” I said, and he smiled.

“I’m glad, there’s still more in the box though, so don’t stop.” He commanded.

“What else could there be?!” I exclaimed, reaching in and pulling out a little box. I opened the box a little less carefully because the packaging wasn’t as pretty as the other, and I can’t imagine Blake wanting me to save the little white paper box. Inside it was a grinder, in the same colors as the pipe, with a butterfly on the top. “This is really nice too! Why did you get me all this stuff?”

“I wanted you to have nice, safe equipment to use, instead of trying to use super dangerous methods of smoking.” He explained. “Plus, I use to smoke pot myself, so I know how nice it is to have decent pipes and stuff. I also got you a lighter, one that you won’t have to hold down the button on to use, so you won’t burn yourself anymore.”

“I–I’m a little speechless.” I said, biting my lip. “I am really glad that you are okay with me smoking but I didn’t think that you’d be this okay with it.”

“How are you doing mentally? Not having cravings as bad, or not being depressed like you were?” He asked, and I looked away from him.

“I’m doing alright. I have been really wanting to take a pill, but I’ve been able to hold myself back. And I’m definitely not depressed now. I am really happy, actually.” I said.

“That’s why I’m okay with it. I can see the benefits to you smoking. I know you’re young and one day you’ll stop smoking, but it helps you feel better. I’d much rather you smoke pot than take opiates, or do meth or heroin.” He said. “The pot makes it easier for you to relax, it makes it easier to sleep, helps manage pain without opiates, and it helps you want to eat more.”

“I really appreciate you understanding, daddy. I’ve been so stressed out lately because I feel… well, I feel like I let you down by getting sick. I was supposed to be your submissive, and I was sick and you couldn’t have what you wanted.” I admitted. “I feel horrible because I basically was dropped off on you, and I’ve been a financial burden on you. I feel so bad because you signed up for just a friends with benefits type of thing and now I’m completely dependent on you and…” I trailed off.

“Ash, I can always tell when something is wrong, but I can’t read your mind.” He told me gently but sternly. “When you have a feeling that you need to express, you express it. That is the only way that I can help you deal with it. That’s beside the point, though. You’re a joy for me to have around, even without the kink and sex. I love you, Ash, and I haven’t minded taking care of you, supporting you, and standing by you. I needed someone I could spend my life with and you have given me that. We’ll still begin training once your doctors appointment comes, but we will take it at your pace.” He said, putting his hand on my cheek. “You were never just a friends with benefits to me.”

“I…” I couldn’t find the words to respond, but that was okay because Blake pulled me closer to him and kissed me. It was deep and passionate and I felt every inch of my body tingling in excitement. He was holding me so gently against his chest, ensuring that we were touching as much as possible. I melted into him, letting him hold and caress me every way he wanted to, because I loved the feeling of his hands running over my body whether I had clothes on or not.

56. ¢σиѕι∂єяαтισи

Things start out being confusing, but they never stay that way. By the end of the day, you’ll grow use to the way things are, and love it just as much as anything you loved before.

A S H T O N

After a few days, my appointment had come and gone. Blake had been really busy with work, so I’d taken that time to hang out with Puzzle a bunch. We’d been smoking and hanging out in his bedroom for a few hours, because Blake got called to handle some problem at his company. Or his dads company? I guess since he took it over, it was his now, right? I wasn’t really sure. Nonetheless, as soon as he messages me and tells me he’s on his way home I’ll probably go wait for him in the bedroom and spend some one on one time with him. He told me that he wanted to discuss when we would start training tonight, so I was pretty excited about that.

I really wanted to be trained, and to serve him. I found it pleasing to obey him, I couldn’t help but find it really sexy when he took control and led me how he wanted to. I loved the lack of control, and not knowing exactly where our sex would take us. It was exciting, spontaneous in a way because I was never really sure of anything beyond trusting him. I missed having those experiences with Blake while I was unwell, and I really feel excited over the prospects of what’s to come.

I glanced over at Puzzle, who had a bag of hot Cheetos in his hand. He was avidly watching cartoons, and I smiled a bit. He looked really cute when he was like that. It was a stark contrast from Blake, whom always looked so put together and mildly uninterested. The differences between the two are great, because I feel different around both of them.

Blake made my blood run hot, and my mind go fuzzy. When he touches me, I can’t help but sink into it and let him take control. He made my entire body alight with fiery lust, and passion. I felt weak and helpless and I absolutely loved it. His touch was like a searing hot reminder of all the things he can do to me and it made my knees weak. Puzzle, though… made everything feel less important. Spending time with him was so lighthearted and carefree. I felt free to just be whoever I was and like he wouldn’t judge me. Puzzle’s touch wasn’t quite as sexually charged as Blake’s, but it made my stomach flutter. Wherever his hand touches tingles, and I can’t help but blush when he looks at me. I feel safe in a different way with him, too. I wasn’t really sure how to describe it, because I’d never really felt that way around anyone besides him or Blake.

Puzzle glanced over at me, and smiled a little bit. “So do you know about when Blake will be home?” He asked, and I shrugged.

“He’s supposed to send me a message and let me know he’s on his way. Why?” I asked, and he rolled his eyes a little and put his hand on my cheek. I blushed immediately, my eyes going to his. He didn’t waste a moment, and pushed forward, pressing his lips against mine. I giggled a little and kissed him back. I sank into the kiss, letting his tongue enter my mouth easily. I couldn’t keep from whimpering quietly. 

His kiss was different from Blake’s and I found that to be comforting. I loved the contrasts between the two and found myself very excited about exploring both sides of my sexuality. I loved the dynamic with Blake, but it was nice to just be equal with Puzzle, as well. 

I pushed a little bit closer to Puzzle and found myself in his lap, his hands clenching at my hips as we kissed. I whined softly and pulled back for a minute to look into his eyes. His eyes stared back into mine and I bit my lip and leaned back down and clasped my hands behind his head. Our lips slowly moved together, getting lost in a slow and romantic kiss that made my toes curl and my heart race. 

Puzzle pulled back and tightened his grip on my hips a little bit and looked over me, his eyes dark and heated. I blushed and forced myself to meet his gaze. “Kissing you feels good, right.” Puzzle said, his voice a little deeper than I was use to. The sound of his voice sent tingles down my spine as he spoke. 

“It does feel really good.” I admitted, blushing brightly and looking down to keep from dying of embarrassment. I’d never really felt this way about anyone but Blake. Puzzle smiled and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. I giggled as he hurriedly rolled us over so he was on top of me and rested his head on my chest. My hands went up and played with his hair, resting back against the bed. 

I’d been in this position with Blake, only reversed and it felt like heaven for me to be held by Blake. But it felt equally as good to hold Puzzle this way. “You smell good.” He said, poking my side a bit. 

“Thank you,” I laughed softly and shook my head. “I just showered earlier today so that’s probably why. You smell good too, though. Like I just thought it’d be weird to mention that.” 

“It’s not really weird.” He laughed a bit and looked down. “I mean, I think that most people can tell if someone smells really bad, so in turn most people would probably notice if someone smells good.” 

“That’s true,” I said, shivering. He reached back and pulled his blanket up and over us, and then wrapped his arms around me holding the blanket to me. I smiled and snuggled up to him, wrapping my arms around him and holding him closer to me. “What do you wanna do?” I asked him curiously.

“This is fine with me, unless you’re uncomfortable.” He said. 

“I’m not uncomfortable at all.” I admitted shyly, glancing down at his head. I played with his hair, finding myself truly enjoying the time that we were spending together. I grabbed my vape pen off the pillow beside us and took a hit off it, being careful to not take too big of a hit. If I hit it too hard too fast, I’d be choking my lungs up and that wasn’t a fun scenario when someone is laying on top of you. At the least it’d be uncomfortable physically, because you’re coughing like a bitch and they’d have to get off and I really didn’t want Puzzle to get off of me. Not yet, at least. 

This position made me feel really nice, being held and holding him was much different than the way it felt with Blake and I liked the differences. I felt like I did at first around Blake, with Puzzle now, and I felt so much stronger about Blake than I ever have in the past. I couldn’t have gotten luckier with the pair of them, and I was eternally grateful for the fact that I ever met Blake, and then Puzzle because of Blake. 

The two of them made me feel so loved and accepted, I don’t really know how I got so lucky with them. I had no idea that when I dropped a basket off for Blake that I’d end up falling in love with him, and I had no idea that when I met Puzzle and was jealous of him immediately, that I would find myself in this position with him. I don’t love Puzzle yet, but I definitely have feelings for him and I could see it leading down that road if things continue going. I wasn’t really sure what it was about Puzzle that attracted me so much, but I loved it. I loved how differently both of them made me feel, and how free I felt with both of them. Each of them gave me the opportunity to be exactly what I needed to be, and it made me so happy. I hope that both of them feel the same way, it seems like they both are okay with it. Blake wouldn’t have suggested it if he wasn’t okay with it, and I feel like if Puzzle wasn’t okay with it surely he would’ve said something. 

“Are you okay with the way things are?” I asked Puzzle hesitantly, nervous about what he may say. I didn’t want him to say that he wasn’t okay with it, but if he did I’d respect that.

“I am. I wouldn’t be doing anything I wasn’t okay with.” He said, and shrugged a bit, looking up at me. “Why, are you not okay with it?” He asked.

“No, I am. I just wanted to make sure that you were because I don’t think we ever really fully talked about it and I just… didn’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything you didn’t want to.” I said, and sighed deeply. “I wouldn’t want to make you do anything.”

“You aren’t and I’m not like that. I would say if I wasn’t okay with it. The only thing that caused me to hesitate when Blake brought this all up was hurting him, but he assured me he was okay with it. So, I’m okay with it.” He explained. 

“Alright, I just wanted to make sure.” I said and giggled a bit as he started tickling me. He kept tickling me and I continued giggling, as he got more aggressive with his tickling I was full on laughing. It was a lot of fun to be with him like that. “STAHPP!” I laughed loudly, and shook my head. 

“Okay!” He teased, drawing out the ‘a’ in okay. As the laughing turned into light giggling, and Puzzle settled back into place on top of me, my phone dinged and I grabbed it, opening it up to see a message from Blake. I opened it and read over it, seeing that he was heading home soon and that he wanted to know if we wanted any takeout on his way home. 

“You want any takeout?” I asked and Puzzle shrugged. 

“I could eat, what would you like?” He asked. 

“I really want some Chinese food, honestly.” I said, and he nodded. “I’ll eat like anything from a Chinese restaurant, honestly. I like the kung pao chicken best though.” 

“I’ll try that if Blake wouldn’t mind bringing anything home.” He said, and I nodded.

I sent Blake a message asking if we could have Chinese, and then telling him if so, we both wanted kung pao chicken, and I wanted brown rice on the side. Blake responded nearly immediately and said that was fine, he’d see me soon and that he loved me. I giggled a bit and put my phone down. “He’s on his way home soon, but he said that Chinese was fine, so he’s bringing that home.” I said, and Puzzle nodded.

“I will be sure to say thanks,” he laughed and shook his head. “Come here, before he gets here.” Puzzle said, and leaned forward, putting his hand on my cheek. I leaned forward and Puzzle kissed me softly. His hand moved to behind my head and laced his fingers through my hair, pulling me forward. His tongue teased at my lips and I opened them, letting him in. His tongue explored my mouth, leading mine in a teasing but playful way. I giggled into his mouth and weaved my fingers into his hair, pulling it lightly. 

Puzzle made a startled noise, and kissed me deeper. He was rubbing against me a little and I moaned quietly, unsure of how to respond. I was enjoying it a lot, and I could feel myself getting hard. It made my face flush from embarrassment, and I couldn’t help but let out a little whimper into his mouth. Our lips continued moving together, and I found myself pushing up into him, desperate for some friction between us. 

He pulled back from my lips for a moment and looked down into my eyes. He smiled a little, and leaned back down, catching my lips again. Our lips began moving again, and I swear it felt like time stopped because even though my heart was banging in my chest against my ribs, I couldn’t focus on anything besides the softness of the kiss and his lips. They were so soft, and every move of our lips was just making my stomach flutter and my dick get harder and harder. I knew that he could probably feel it against him, and that embarrassed me just a little, but I couldn’t focus on anything besides the feelings rushing through me like an electric current. 

His lips were moving so passionately against mine I had to wonder if I was imagining the whole thing–I wasn’t sure how to really process how absolutely amazing the kiss was. It wasn’t as experienced as Blake’s kiss, but I found it kind of sweet and charming in a way. I couldn’t smell anything but Puzzle, and his incense burning by the window. The whole room smelled strongly of clove, jasmine, and sage, and Puzzle smelled like Irish springs body wash. He tasted a little like lemonade and what I imagine weed to taste like. I thought the taste would be off-setting but while the feeling of his lips were destabilizing, everything about it was was inviting and intoxicating. 

There was a warmth radiating out of me, and I gasped at the feeling of his warm fingers running carefully over my stomach just below the hem of my tank top. I whimpered and sank into the touch. I parted my legs a little and Puzzle slipped between them easily, our bodies meeting together perfectly. My whole body was tingling from the kiss and the touches he was giving me, the feeling of his body on top of mine and his fingers trailing on me almost felt forbidden and it was mind boggling. Everything was so intense and I couldn’t think straight. 

I couldn’t think about anything but the feelings racing through me. Puzzle was all I could focus on, it was as if the entire world had fizzled away. Puzzle slowly pulled away from me and looked down at me, his eyes were so dark that I could barely see the color of his eyes. He was panting heavily and his face flushed, tensed slightly. He held himself over me, his eyes tracing down my body in a way that made me blush brightly and looked away from him. 

He pulled himself off me and sat cross legged in front of me. I pushed myself up and looked at him, my breathing unsteady. I was momentarily confused, but then I remembered Blake was on his way home. I sighed deeply and looked over Puzzle in wonder. It was amazing how different both of them made me feel with a simple kiss. I felt myself getting soft in my underwear beneath my skirt and I sighed in relief. 

My dick had started to hurt because it was so hard. I wondered if Puzzle was feeling the same way, but I was too embarrassed to ask. I didn’t want to be weird or anything, so I kept quiet and hit my vape pen again. 

I couldn’t help but be excited for the next time that Puzzle and I was alone, because I wanted to keep kissing him. When I heard the door open downstairs, and keys being thrown into the dish by the door I got excited and stood up. “You okay?” I asked Puzzle timidly. He glanced up at me and then down at his pants. 

“Umm yeah, I just need a minute, go on down and tell Blake I’ll be just a minute I need to wash my hands.” He said, and I blushed and nodded, heading downstairs.

57. fσυи∂αтισи

When the foundation is strong, there’s not a lot that can shake it or damage it.

A S H T O N

After eating dinner Blake and I went upstairs, and I was excited because before Puzzle had came downstairs Blake had told me that he’d written up the outline for a contract for us to go over and work on together so that we can start training. I wasn’t able to contain my excitement because I wanted to get started on my training. I hadn’t been able to start my training because of my health problems, and I was really disappointed about it. Now that we were able to proceed with my training after my last check up.

The appointment is in two days, which means in two days I’ll be able to get trained and I couldn’t wait to get started. The last appointment is super important and I would be checked a final time to ensure that the incision was healed properly, have a scan of my head and make sure the shunt is in the correct place. I wasn’t nervous, because things are going great and I don’t feel bad at all. I hadn’t had a bad headache or anything, I had been feeling better than I had ever felt this good in my life.

I was happy to be feeling better, and I was really ready to get started with my life and knowing that it was getting easier and things were beginning to look up. Blake was in the bathroom and I was sitting on the bed with my little box in front of me trying to decide if I wanted to try to use my pipe for the first time, or if I wanted to just use my pen. I worried that Blake would be upset that I smoked with the pipe in his room though because I can’t really sit right in front of the window and smoke like in Puzzle’s room.

I bit my lip and picked up the pipe and held it in my hand, looking over it. Puzzle’s pipe was obviously older than mine, it had a black tint to the bowl, and I wondered vaguely how I could prevent this one from getting that way, or if it was just hopeless. I loved the fact that the whole box was themed and it made me feel really special. I loved that the pipe said princess on it. Just as I was about to put the pipe down, Blake walked out into the bedroom from the bathroom and smiled at me. “You like it?” he asked, coming and sitting beside me. I nodded.

“I’m scared to use it, it’s so pretty what if it gets messed up?” I asked and he laughed. 

“I’ll buy you a new one then.” He said, and put his hand on my shoulder. His fingers were warm and sent shivers down my spine at the simple touch. “Before you smoke anything, though, you should look over the contract and see if you like it.” He said, and I nodded. He took the contract out of the drawer beside the bed and handed it to me. I looked over it nervously. I had been excited but holding it in my hand made me realize how real this all was and I was suddenly nervous. 

This contract between

Ashton Carter

and

Blake Reynolds 

 is discussing the beginning of

Ashton’s   training. During training this will be the active contract until training has ended. This contract can be revisited and discussed at any given time, by either Ashton  or Blake  under the stipulation that both are present at the time of discussion. Nothing in this contract can be changed or altered without both parties being present and the action of changing anything without the other party will void the contract immediately. There is no set start, nor end date as it’s unclear when training will be finished. 

Ashton’s rules:

1. Refer to Dominant as Daddy always unless inappropriate for  situation

2. When in the playroom, remain unclothed 

3. Outside of relationships previously discussed, no sexual intercourse

4. When with Dominant party, wait for or ask for permission to orgasm

5. Remember safe-words and use them as necessary

6. When you need something explained, ask immediately to avoid confusion

7. If you are having a hard time learning something, let dominant know so he can help

8. If put on knees or all fours, submissive may not raise without permission

9. Submissive cannot remove collar without Dominant giving permission As we progress this list will be revised and settled to the way it’ll remain

Ashton’s Limits:

If there is more limits, numbers can be added to this list, contract will be reprinted with a list of limits added in anyway

Safe-word is Lucy Safe-symbols will be discussed at a later time when necessary and added in on here

As the dominant,

Blake

 promises to care for

Ashton  

 to the best of his abilities. Blake  promises to train Ashton  in the safest, most respectful way possible. He will not pressure Ashton  into doing anything that he does not want to, and will respect every use of safe-word or safe-symbol. Blake   will take care of every need Ashton  has, and will do so without hesitation or ill-will. He will ensure that everything that he teaches Ashton  will be safe, and he will never put him in an unsafe situation. He will remain faithful to Ashton  and will not have any other submissive, just as Ashton  will have no other dominant and will only serve his dominant. 

As Ashton  is Polyamorous, he is permitted to only have one other partner that has been discussed with Blake  and both agreed that it was okay. Aside from the one other partner, Ashton  will have no other partner, and will not submit in any way to his other partner.

Submissive: ____________________    Date: __________ Dominant: _____________________    Date: __________

“So how does this temporary contract look to you?” Blake asked me, and I nodded. “Once you have been trained more, more will be added to it, and then we can discuss more on what to add or remove. Do you know what your limits are?” He asked, and I shrugged a bit, embarrassed.

“I don’t really know, I have only ever had sex with you and I don’t really know anything I wouldn’t be on board with because I haven’t tried anything yet.” I said, and he nodded. “I know for sure I’d never want to have any sort of… erm… I don’t know what it’s called. But I know it is a thing because of Pornhub.” I said. He raised an eyebrow.

“What is it?” He asked.

“Like, it was someone peeing on a girl in a video. I don’t know what it’s called.” I said, blushing a bit. I had watched a fair bit of porn when I lived at home, and you can come across some really… different things if you watch long enough and just go through the suggested videos. I was not really selective about what I watched because it wasn’t really all that important, but I’d definitely clicked off a few videos because they just were not my thing. 

“Alright, that’s definitely something I can agree wholeheartedly with. It’s not really my thing, at all.” Blake said, and I sighed in relief. I nodded, playing with my fingers. I wanted to sound like I knew what I was talking about, but I was completely out of my element and had little knowledge on any of this stuff. I wanted him to take me seriously, but I had no idea about what I wanted out of the kind of dynamic we were building. I was excited to explore it, but having no previous experience to go off of made it difficult for me. 

“I don’t really know besides that, honestly.” I admitted. “I just really need to experiment with you and find things that I’m interested in doing on a regular basis.” 

“We can definitely do that. I just need you to promise me if you don’t like something that we do, you will safe-word, so that I know you do not want to continue.” Blake said, and I nodded my head, looking down at the contract in my hands excitedly. I couldn’t wait to get started training and delve deeper into our relationship. I wanted to have a long and happy relationship with Blake, and I wanted to feel closer to him. 

Because we were so far apart in age, I almost felt out of kilter with him. I wasn’t really sure what to suggest for us to do together because our interests were so different, and I just wanted to spend time with him like I did with Puzzle. It was a nice change having something in common with the person you’re with, and while I loved Bale with all my heart, I didn’t know what to do to spend time with him. 

“I will safe-word anytime I don’t enjoy something that we are doing until I have a full list of limits.” I told him. He smiled at me, and wrapped his arms around me. I settled into his embrace, feeling the familiar warmth and comfort that I always felt when he was around cover me like a warm blanket. 

Blake lowered his face down to mine, and pushed our lips together in a heated kiss. I moaned immediately, wrapping my arms around him and rearranging myself to where I was in his lap, letting him lead me in a fiery kiss. Passion and lust enveloped me immediately, and I sank into his touch, loving the feeling of his body against mine. I couldn’t focus on anything but the feeling of his hands pushing the back of my tank top up, and the warmth that his hands left as they trailed up my back. My shirt was thrown across the room, and I was on my back in moments, leaving me panting and looking up at him desperately. 

His warmth was radiating around me, it was like a fire that encompassed my whole body, and I couldn’t escape it. His touch was electrifying, driving my senses wild and my mind to be hazy. He started trailing his lips down my neck, and I moaned softly. His lips were soft and warm, they had a demanding feel about them as he stroked the fire inside of me to an uncontrollable flame. He was keeping my body alight, every touch making me harder and harder. He settled over my nipples and started sucking on one of them, his fingers playing with the other one carefully. I whined quietly, pleasure washing over me. 

Blake knew just how to touch me to make my entire body ache, to make me need more. I was steadily getting more and more desperate for anything as he switched nipples, making shocks go through me. I wanted to cry out and ask for more, but at the same time, I didn’t really want to. Him controlling everything felt right, and I loved feeling out of control with him. I loved being underneath him, and for him to use me how he saw fit. It was mind-bogglingly sexy to know that I belonged to him, and he could do to me basically whatever he wanted. 

He trailed his other hand down my stomach and abdomen to my skirt and stuck his hand into the waistband, running his fingers over my erection through my lace underwear. I pushed up into his hand, desperate for him to touch me directly. As good and teasing as it felt for him to trail his fingers over me through my underwear it just wasn’t enough. It was just enough to make my dick harden nearly to unbearable levels, and push out a dribble of precum. 

When he pulled back and looked down at me, I looked up into his eyes, pleading with my eyes for him to just stop teasing me. I needed him to touch me, I wanted to feel every inch of our bodies touching, feel him inside of me. I had missed feeling this way, a lot. We had been limiting the number of times that we had sex because he didn’t want to hurt me, and even though we had just had sex like a week ago, I felt like it’d been months. I needed  him, so much right now. I knew that he wouldn’t be as rough with me as he had been in the beginning, but I just needed anything. Any touch would do, rough or gentle. 

“Please,” I whimpered out, finally giving into the desperation that was filling me up. He smirked down at me, and I felt his hand slip into my underwear and cup me. I moaned loudly, pushing up into his hand shamelessly. He slowly started to run his hand over me, making sparks of pleasure shoot up my body. I wanted to feel him inside me so much, but this felt so good too that I couldn’t complain. 

His hand started moving a little faster, and I groaned softly, grabbing at his hair with my fingers. I needed something to stabilize myself it felt like, before I floated away. I could feel the distinct feeling of my orgasm coming, but I fought desperately to keep from letting it take over. I had just gotten my rules from him, I was not about to let him down now. I knew I could hold it, as long as I keep my mind on it. 

Out of pure determination, I found myself aching into his hand as he stroked me, leaking precum like a faucet. I was not letting go and cumming, though, not yet. He smirked as I started squirming beneath him, and I knew then that he was doing this on purpose. He was teasing me in the best way possible. I was so close and it was getting harder and harder to hold myself back, but I was determined not to give in. 

“Daddy, please it hurts,” I whimpered, and bit into my lip. I was so hard and I wanted to cum so bad. Blake smirked a little bit and looked down over me. I was a little embarrassed at how horny I was, but I knew that Blake loved me being needy and desperate for him. Blake pulled my skirt and underwear off and tossed them across the room and then took off his own pants and underwear, parting my legs and getting between them. Instinctually I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him in to me as close as I could get him.

Feeling his hard erection against my ass made my whole body clench in excitement. He reached over to his bedside table and grabbed the lube, putting some in his hand and stroking himself between us. Once he was sufficiently lubed up, he grabbed his dick and pressed the head against my hole, pushing slightly. 

I was immediately ten times more desperate at the feeling of him against me, so I didn’t even flinch when he started pushing into me. When he bottomed out inside of me, I was overcome with the feeling of fullness, the pleasure from being stretched and the overwhelming feeling of relief at finally feeling him inside of me. I had been so desperate for anything at this point that he could’ve done anything to me and I would’ve probably came, but the slight pain of adjusting to his size was just enough to calm me down and keep me from losing control of my orgasm. 

He slowly started rocking our bodies together, wrapping me in his arms and holding me close to him. I was overly aware of how close we were, how close I felt to him in that moment. I buried my face in his neck and whimpered, desperate. “Daddy,” I cried, wrapping my arms around his neck and holding onto him as hard as I could. I just wanted… everything. I loved the way his body rocked against mine, I loved the way our bodies intermingled. I could feel every inch of our skin touching, smell his scent and mine dance together around us. 

I couldn’t think about anything but the delicate way he moved us, taking great care to avoid rattling me around too much. I found that to be mouthwatering in it’s own way, because I felt like it showed me how much he loved me. “I love you,” I choked out, feeling emotions washing over me in a wave. I could feel tears prickling behind my eyes, overwhelmed by the feelings that I was feeling. Blake groaned into my ear, and nestled his face into my neck.

“I love you too, trouble.” He teased softly, trailing soft kisses down my neck. I moaned softly, gripping his hair tightly and rocking my body in time with his. I found myself crying a little, burying my face into him as he moved us. “Are you okay, love?” He asked me gently, pulling back from my neck and looking down at me. 

I whimpered a little, and nodded as he ran his thumb down my cheek wiping my tears away. I looked up at him, biting my lip. “I’m okay. I just love you, a lot.” I said, and pulled him down closer to me. 

“I love you too, sweetheart.” He said, and smiled a little, the tears not stopping but I wasn’t sad. I was happy. I was so happy about the fact that I had someone like Blake who loved me unconditionally. I was so lucky that I had him, and I was so happy to have been given the chance to spend my life with him. He wrapped me back up in his arms and started moving us again.

He was slowly rocking our bodies together, slowly bringing me to the edge of euphoria. I could feel every inch of us touching, feel the way his body tensed when his dick touched the deepest part of me. I whimpered, grabbing onto him and holding him tightly. “I’m so close,” I whined and I felt him smirk against my neck, keeping our bodies moving in a steady pace. I couldn’t tell where he ended and I began. 

He picked up the pace a little, and shifted his position slightly and I felt him hit my prostate head on and I gasped loudly and felt my body tense up and I squeezed my eyes shut. I tried my best to keep a hold on my orgasm but I was quickly beginning to not be able to stop it and I let out a strangled noise, pulling his hair a little harder than I meant to trying to distract myself. It did not work. “I-I’m too close… I can’t hold it Daddy!” I moaned softly, and he nodded into my neck, kissing me softly. He settled at a place by the base of my neck and sucking softly. The feeling of him sucking on my neck and hitting my prostate sent me completely over the edge.

My whole body tensed up and I couldn’t think, or focus. My insides melted, and turned to mush. I sank back onto the bed, my body completely unable to move. I couldn’t have done anything if the whole house was on fire around us. I was completely stuck. Blake got off of me and laid on his back, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close to him. I blushed when my dick brushed against his thigh and it made me gasp and jump because I was really sensitive. I was embarrassed that I was still covered in cum, and worried about getting it on him. He sighed deeply and relaxed into the bed. 

“We can go shower in a minute, but I’m just not ready yet to move.” Blake said softly, his hand coming up and playing with my hair. I giggled softly and nodded, resting my head on his chest and relaxing into his touch. I smiled a little and let my eyes slip shut. I wouldn’t sleep yet, but resting was okay. I needed a moment to rest and gather myself before I try to even move. I couldn’t even feel my legs yet, so moving wouldn’t be possible. Maybe he’d carry me to the shower in a little bit. 

I let my mind wander, and my body rest, relaxing into Blake’s arms. 

A/n: I hit 15k today, so I wanted to hurry up and finish this chapter. I accidentally deleted over a thousand words of this chapter and then had to re-write the whole part that I deleted. I got so mad at myself I seriously contemplated throwing my computer into the nearest river and pitching a temper tantrum but I took a long, deep breath and just turned on a video game and started playing that until I got angry for a totally different reason. It works, surprisingly. 

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the scene between Blake and Ashton. They’ll start training in the next chapter about them, so that’s something to look forward to. I know that this book has taken a different turn, but I hope that you still enjoy it. I feel that this change will even out and make more sense when I get to the final chapter. (I’ve already gotten it written, I write the epilogue when I get to the center of a book so I know where I’m planning on going with the book. It is subject to change, as I change my mind a fair bit but for the most part, nothing big will change.) 

Also, thanks to the people who are still reading this. I know that a lot of people have stopped, but it means a lot that some of you still read it. I know that the change had a lot to do with it, based on the comments from the previous chapters, so I just wanted to thank the people who have stuck around regardless. 

Blake and Ashton will always be together, that much I promise you. 

Thanks for reading this long ass note, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Feel free to leave a comment down below with what you thought! 

-Alexander M. D.

58. єℓαтισи

If I can just make a single day of your life better, then I will be happy. I just want to be the place you go when you feel alone and need support, just like you were to me when I needed you most. I want to be your latibule, your safe place when you need somewhere to hide. 

 Latibule: N. A safe place; a place of safety and comfort.

A S H T O N 

Blake had gone up to his home office to do some work and he’d instructed me specifically to only come up and get him if I needed something really important, so I sent Puzzle a message and asked him if he wanted to come sit outside on the back porch with me and smoke a little. We hadn’t been going outside much since the creepy dude was sitting outside the house, but it was still daylight, so Blake had said it was fine as long as we were careful. The backyard was secluded, and you couldn’t see anyone’s yard because the backyard was surrounded by trees. I use to feel anxious out here before, because I worried about my dad coming around but I figure after all this time it’s unlikely that I’ll be bothered by him. 

I wasn’t really scared of him anymore, anyway, because I realized that there was nothing he could do to me anymore. I had a restraining order against him, so if he did come around he’d go to jail and I really didn’t think that he’d risk that. I knew that he had a pretty good reputation and that if he went to jail that’d ruin his life so I really wasn’t too worried. I also had both Blake and Puzzle here with me, and I trusted that neither of them would let anything happen to me. 

I know that I would do anything to protect either of them, even if it meant getting hurt or dying myself. I couldn’t tell if Puzzle felt the same way about me that I felt about him, but I knew that Blake did because he’d always protected me from everything even if I was a huge pain in the ass to him. 

“It’s beautiful out here,” Puzzle said, coming out and sitting down, leaning back on the outside couch and putting his arm around the back where I was sitting. I giggled a little and shuffled closer to him. I nodded my head and sighed deeply, leaning my head back and looking up at the sky. The sky was clear and bright, a very few clouds visible, and the sun shining brightly behind the trees. The clearness of the sky was astounding and beautiful, awe-inspiring almost. I wasn’t sure if I had just never noticed how beautiful the sky was because I was distracted, or if being high somehow altered how I took in the scenery around me and made the colors more vibrant. Either way, though, I could only hope that everyone could experience the sky like this at least once. 

The wind was blowing a little bit, just enough to make goosebumps raise on my arms and legs where my skin was exposed. The leaves on the trees had began to turn colors and now they were all tinted red, orange and yellow signaling the change in seasons. It was beautiful and refreshing. I hadn’t had much of a summer because I’d been in classes the whole time, but also it had been so hot and miserable I hated it. Fall had to be my favorite season, because it was cool but not freezing cold and I loved the leaves just before they start falling. The smell of fall was also intoxicating, and I loved the pumpkin spice lattes around this time. 

Thanksgiving was always fun, too, I loved to eat all of the food. Though I wasn’t sure what our Thanksgiving would look like because it was just Blake, Puzzle and I. I know I can’t cook for the life of me, and Blake was really good at cooking but I didn’t know if Puzzle would be here or if he’d be visiting his mother. His mom was still in the institution, so I didn’t really know if he would be here or not. I wondered if there would be a dinner like my family always had that included extended family, or if it’d just be Blake and I, and possibly Puzzle if he wanted to be a part of it. I really wanted to spend the day with both of them. 

I considered them family, in some way, so I couldn’t imagine not having them around. I was sad that I couldn’t see my mom this year, because even though she was like a puppet to my dad I still loved her. I missed her a lot, sometimes, and it was hard because she was so close but still so far away. I knew that there’d be no chance she’d come to eat with us, but I still could wish, right? I know that she should’ve done something to stop my dad, but that didn’t change anything. While I could live the rest of my life without ever speaking to my dad again and be fine, she was a little different. 

She had been there for me through a lot, and even if she hadn’t been the perfect mother, she still was my mom. 

“What are you thinking about?” Puzzle asked, and I shook my head, blinking rapidly. I hadn’t even realized that tears started prickling behind my eyes. I sighed deeply and wiped my face a little, trying to hide the tears that had managed to spill over. 

“I just was thinking about Thanksgiving. It’s my first Thanksgiving since my family and I stopped talking, and I just… realized how different this year will be.” I said, clearing my throat a little. “I didn’t mean to get all emotional on you.”

“No, I understand. I haven’t been away from my mom on Thanksgiving before either, and I know how you feel. I don’t really want to go visit her where she is now, so I’ll probably be alone on Thanksgiving.” He said, and I shrugged a little. 

“I don’t think so, you’d be invited to eat with us of course. If you choose not to go see her, that is.” I said, and he nodded. 

“I don’t know, wouldn’t that be over-stepping with Blake? I mean, he’s cool with us being together like this when he’s not around but I don’t want to make him change his mind by being around you too much, or taking the time that he considers to be private from him.” Puzzle said, and I raised an eyebrow. 

“I don’t think it’d be over-stepping… I mean we’d have to ask Blake, but he considers you a part of his family, you know? So I can’t see him making you be alone on a holiday like that.” I said, and he shrugged a little. “I don’t know but, I know that I want to spend Thanksgiving with both of you.” I admitted softly.

He smiled and put his hand on my cheek, leaning forward and kissing me softly. I smiled and kissed him back before he pulled away. When he pulled away, he looked over my face cautiously and trailed his finger over my cheek slowly. “I appreciate that, Ash, a lot.” He said, and I nodded and pulled my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I blushed a little and looked up at him. 

He smiled and leaned back against the couch, sighing and looking out at the sky. “I love being outside back here, it’s like it’s own little world cut off from everything else.” I said and he nodded his head. 

“I know, it’s so nice here. I’m not use to living in a nice place like this, or having a secluded backyard. It just wasn’t possible with my mom.” He said and shrugged a bit. “She couldn’t really work and hold down a job so we relied on government assistance to even make it where we were.” He explained, looking embarrassedly over at me to see how I responded to what he said. 

“I don’t judge you for your mom, Puzzle.” I said softly, looking over at him as genuinely as I could. “I know what it is like to have parents that don’t do exactly right by you, and while the situations are different I’m sure, I still know that there was nothing you could’ve done to change the situation yourself. I think you’re really, really strong for going through all of that and still coming out a great and respectable person.” 

“I am definitely not strong, Ash. If I was my mom would still be at home.” He said, and my heart broke for him because I knew that feeling well. It obviously was different, but I had blamed myself for what happened with my dad plenty enough times to know that you can blame yourself for your parents misdoings and problems. It doesn’t mean that it is your fault, but you still feel  like you’re the reason it all is happening. 

“Puzzle, some things you can’t fix. I don’t know all that went on with your mom, I only know a little because I don’t pry and I don’t feel like it’s my place to ask Blake, but I know that there’s things you went through that you don’t want anyone to know.” I said softly and turned around to face him on the couch, grabbing his hand in mine and holding it. “I know how easy it is to blame yourself for things you can’t control. I know from the bottom of my heart that you did everything you could for your mom. I know how caring you are, and how hard it was for you to let her go. I know that you struggle with it, and I’m sorry for that, truly.” I sucked in a deep breath, watching the expression on his face to make sure I didn’t overstep my boundaries at all. “I trust that no matter how you feel, your mother is appreciative of all that you did for her and understands why she needed to let you go.” 

Puzzle’s eyes glazed over a bit and he turned his head away and wiped at his face a little. I could tell he was hiding his tears from me, and I understood it better than I thought I would. I knew that his whole life he’d had to be strong for everyone important to him, and that it’d take time for him to be able to show weakness to anyone besides himself. I could feel a pang in my heart for him, and wondered briefly if I was adding insult to injury by talking about it with him because I didn’t want to hurt him at all. I wanted to help him, just like he’d helped me. 

I should’ve realized that he needed someone to be there for him when he first moved in. I should’ve known that he would be hurting from watching his mom leave like she did. It couldn’t have been easy for him, knowing the little background that I knew about him. I should have been letting him lean on me, instead of only leaning on him. 

“I appreciate you not prying, it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just hard, you know? I’ve always kept it private because I didn’t want CPS to get involved and me lose the only real family I have.” He explained softly. “I do blame myself, because I could’ve done so much more if I had of just been able to see what was happening.” 

“You couldn’t have done anything Puzzle, I know that’s hard for you to hear. Sometimes the best help you can give is letting someone go where they can get proper care for what’s wrong with them.” I told him, and pulled his hand up to my lips and kissed it. 

He glanced over at me and smiled a little, his eyes tinted red. While I was unsure whether they were red from the weed, or from the crying he’d just done, I didn’t care. I wanted to make him feel better, to take his pain away. I knew that he needed me, then and there. I would have to do something to make him feel better and I had just the right idea. Maybe Blake wouldn’t mind if we spent the night in Puzzle’s room tonight, and just watched television and hung out. I felt strongly that if I let him be alone right now, he’d just beat himself up more. I pulled out my phone and sent Blake a quick message asking if he’d be okay with me sleeping over in Puzzle’s room for the night, just to make sure he’d be okay with it. I put in the message why I wanted to, not that he’d probably even care why, but I wanted to make sure he knew why. 

Blake responded quickly with a sure thing, he’d be working most the night in his home office anyway, dealing with finances and stuff. He tacked in a smiley face, and a wink, with a promise that we’d make up for the missed time later. I fought back a giggle, and I glanced over at Puzzle and smiled a bit. “So, I think I’m gonna hang out with you tonight. Blake’s busy and he is gonna be working late. Is it cool if I just sleep in your room tonight?” I asked him, and he smiled a little and nodded his head. 

“Is Blake okay with it?” He asked, and I nodded. 

“I asked him first, and he said sure. I wouldn’t get your hopes up otherwise.” I teased, and pushed his shoulder a little. He laughed and smiled at me, leaning his head over and resting it on my shoulder. I let my hands come up and thread through his hair, gently rubbing his head. The position was comfortable, and I loved the way it felt to hold him. It was nice to be with him like this, knowing that I was making him feel safe and comfortable just like Blake made me feel when he held me. It was a different feeling, much different, but I loved the way it felt to be on an even playing field with someone. While I loved the way it was with Blake, I loved the way it was with Puzzle too. 

Maybe I’m weird, but with both of them I just felt… right? It didn’t matter which role I had to be in, because I felt comfortable with both of them and I loved the way the differences made me feel. The differences were what made this so appealing to me, because I didn’t have to be just one person all the time. I could be whoever I wanted with both of them, and I felt free because of it. 

Puzzle rested on me for a long time, I wasn’t really sure how much time passed by us. We didn’t really move until it started getting dark, and knew we needed to go back inside so that we could be safe. Once we went back inside we went up to Puzzle’s room, he turned on his television and laid down on the bed, and I laid down beside him. I cuddled up to his chest and wrapped my arm around him, holding him close to me. I planned to keep his mind busy for the rest of the night, and hopefully it’d make him feel better. I knew that it wouldn’t immediately work, but I knew that every little thing counts and just knowing I care will probably help him.

I know that it did with me. It meant a lot to me that he cared enough to try to help me. So I hoped that it’d be the same with me, for him. If I could make a single day in his life a little bit better, I’d feel good knowing I’d helped at least a little. 

A/n: Do you guys want a part two to this chapter? I’m considering writing a second part to this, and I want to know what you guy’s think about it. It would be named 58.2. Elation, just a literal part two to this chapter. I mean it’s not really necessary in the grand scheme of things, but it’ll definitely dive deeper into Puzzle/Ashton as a couple and show the depth of their relationship and the growth behind it. 

~Alexander M. D.

58.2. єℓαтισи

~ The foundation of my house feels more steady with my two pillars of support and I feel like I could stand through a hurricane. I would be nothing without them. They saved me from collapsing when my foundation began to fail.~

A S H T O N

It didn’t take long for Puzzle and I to end up sitting on the edge of his bed, smoking out the window and talking. It was fun to spend time with him like this because he was pretty unguarded when he was high and didn’t overthink things too much. I found it interesting that Puzzle was shy about some things given he seemed like a pretty open person. He always seems so confident and sure of himself. Sure he’d get embarrassed a little, but I found that endearing. It was really different from what I was use to with Blake, I was always the embarrassed one. 

Puzzle handed me the bong and I took it, putting my lips on the end and flicking the lighter to where the flame was out. I was excited that I had finally got down using the lighter. It was really complicated at first, and I’m not really sure why. I just couldn’t get down how to hold it when lighting something upside down. I wasn’t sure what I was doing wrong, I just knew that I kept burning myself. Puzzle did it for me enough and I watched him so I could now mimic the motion he made and not hurt myself. I found it fun to hang out with Puzzle like this. 

I took a long hit on the bong, held it in for a moment and blew it out, coughing a little. I smiled at Puzzle and passed it back to him. “You know, there’s this cat picture I found.” I said, picking up my phone and going to the gallery pulling up the picture. The picture was a picture of a cat with it’s tongue out, and it gives the illusion that the cat is smiling. I couldn’t tell by looking at the picture if it was photoshopped. “I can’t tell if it’s fucking photoshopped and it’s driving me insane.” 

I showed him the picture and he started laughing while taking a hit and smoke spewed out of his mouth. I giggled a little, as he started coughing as he laughed. It was a funny noise and I started laughing too. “Dude I don’t know.” Puzzle said, after he stopped laughing. 

“I have seen a lot of cats and have never seen one do that. But I’ve never had a cat or a dog so I don’t really know. It wasn’t allowed at my house. So could they do that? Like, could they stick their tongue out like that? And if they can’t, is the image photoshopped or is it just a perfectly timed picture of a cat licking it’s lips?” I asked. 

Puzzle laughed a little and I smiled, rolling my eyes. “I think it’s possible to overthink things, Ash.” Puzzle teased and I shrugged a little. “I wouldn’t know, because the tongue looks like it fits perfectly into the image. If it’s photoshop the person really knew what they were doing.” 

“I guess they would have to. It really does look like a cats tongue to me. I feel very upset by the fact I can’t tell whether or not it’s photoshopped. Like I’ve seen some that were really obviously photoshopped and I could tell.” I said, and he nodded.

“Some people suck,” Puzzle said. “I’ve seen some ‘professional photoshop’ pictures that look like a monkey on crack did them. I don’t know how people make money for that shit,” He said, rolling his eyes. 

“A monkey shouldn’t be on crack.” I said, blinking slowly at him. He laughed a little. 

“No Ash, they shouldn’t.” Puzzle said, “I guess shit just happens. I feel like somewhere in the world a monkey has been on crack. Probably accidentally or something.” 

“I mean there was that viral video of the gummy bear that was really popular.” I said, and he started laughing again. 

“What does the gummy bear song have to do with a monkey on crack?” Puzzle asked, and I laughed a little. 

“Don’t judge me–you got me high, I’m hardly responsible for me being weird right now.” I poked him, and he rolled his eyes. 

“I got you high,” He smirked, “I guess I really forced you, huh?” I smiled a little.

“Oh yeah!” I said, and he started laughing hysterically. I raised an eyebrow and looked over him curiously. 

“Dude–dude I just heard that and pictured the Kool Aid man from Family guy jumping through the court room wall every time someone in the courtroom says ‘Oh no!’ and he says ‘Oh yeah!’ and it’s hilarious.” Puzzle wheezed out while he laughed. I could easily see that because he’d shown me the episode before, and I started laughing a little. As I watched Puzzle laugh I started laughing too, and things just sort of escalated into us both laughing hysterically for like five minutes straight. Every time we would stop laughing, we’d look at each other and start laughing again. It was a cycle and I found it hilarious.

Once we sobered up and stopped laughing, Puzzle smiled at me. “I know what you’re doing and I appreciate it.” I raised an eyebrow and looked at him confused. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, and he shrugged a little. 

“I know you are trying to make me feel better. Thanks.” He said, and I shrugged a little. 

“I enjoy hanging out with you. You helped me with something that I didn’t know how to handle myself, and that means a lot to me. So thank you.” I said. 

“How have you been doing on that front?” He asked me and I shrugged. 

“I crave them a lot, but I’m doing better. I don’t feel like I need them much anymore, and I can go without thinking about it entirely if I’m around you or Blake. I feel a lot better now.” I said, and he nodded his head. “It’s really nice. I didn’t realize how bad it was affecting me until I stopped doing it. I wish I had of realized sooner that it was a problem.” I said. 

“Ash just be proud that you stopped. It’s hard to stop something like that, and you did it cold turkey. Just take the win. Don’t worry about how long it took you to get there. You realized a lot sooner than a lot of people and you had the courage to ask for help when you needed it. I’m glad that you realized when you did.” Puzzle said.

“Me too.” I said softly, and bit my lip a little. I smiled at him and looked away nervously. I was use to looking into Blake’s eyes like that, but I wasn’t Puzzle’s and I felt shy looking into his eyes. I just wasn’t sure exactly how to take Puzzle’s presence and attention because I didn’t know where we stood or anything. 

“Don’t be shy.” Puzzle said, putting his hand on my cheek gently and turning my face towards me. I bit my lip as he stared down into my eyes. I felt naked, bared to him in a way that I hadn’t been before and it was anxiety inducing for me because I didn’t know how close I should get to him. 

Looking in his eyes, though, I was lost in the abyss that was Puzzle’s eyes. Deep pools of dark blue eyes, just dark enough at the corners to make them almost mimic the ocean in color depth, and it I couldn’t help but feel like I was drowning in them. The colors were spectacular and I was intrigued by them. His eyes got lighter and lighter the closer to the pupil they got, and they had this little ring of what almost looked like white, with blue watercolor mixed in just a little bit. It’s fascinating to me that his eyes are so perfectly blended, and the color is just so unique and interesting. I love it, very much. 

“I’m not being shy.” I denied quietly, averting my eyes away from him again. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, just something to distract me from his gaze and the feelings rushing through me. 

“Ashton.” Puzzle said, and I glanced back up to see those beautiful blue eyes turned to me. I was entrapped in them, lost in the waves of his eyes as he stared at me. Silence fell between us for a moment, and Puzzle leaned forward a little, gently brushing our lips together. He pulled away and looked down into my eyes, almost as if he was searching my mind. After a moment, he leaned back down and started kissing me again. I whimpered softly and relaxed my body, letting his lips guide mine. 

The kiss started out slow, gentle. Almost exploratory in nature. We were seeing what was okay and what wasn’t, just testing the waters. After a few minutes–moments, hours? I wasn’t really sure because time seem to be standing still as he kissed me–he deepened the kiss and slid his hand down to my neck, gently caressing the skin there. Blake’s collar was around my neck, and I momentarily wondered if it bothered Puzzle, but he didn’t seem to mind too much when he pulled me a little closer and moved his lips fervently against mine, seemingly making my heart stop inside my chest. 

I could feel the pads of his fingertips pressing gently into my neck, lightly caressing the skin around my collar. I found myself leaning further into the kiss, pushing him onto his back and getting on top of him, straddling his waist. I leaned down and connected our lips again and he moved his hands down to my hips. Our hips grinded together a little as we kissed, moving against each other desperately, our breath mingling between kisses making us lightheaded and hazy. 

Puzzle started pushing the back of my shirt up a little and I bit my lip for a moment, making him groan–because I bit his lip  and not mine. I blushed brightly, halfway embarrassed that I’d make the mistake. I pulled away, and put my fingers at the hem of my shirt and pulled it up. I was shy and embarrassed about what I looked like without clothes on. While I was physically fit and not unattractive, I didn’t necessarily love the way my body looked underneath my clothes. 

It made me nervous to see what Puzzle would think of me shirtless. Since I’ve started dressing more femininely I realized how truly wrong I felt in my own body, how I really didn’t like the way I looked as a guy, and how much better I felt when I felt like a girl. I wasn’t really sure if I was going to label myself as anything yet, because I didn’t really want to make everyone change what they call me and stuff… I didn’t really want to bother everyone or make myself any more difficult than I already was. I blushed and looked down to see what Puzzle’s reaction was to my chest. Puzzle was staring at me, his eyes wide. I blushed deeply and glanced away. 

The breast forms that Blake had bought me a while back had a disappearing edge so you couldn’t really tell where the skin ended and the form began. They were squishy and stuff like real breasts, but they felt a little different from skin. It wasn’t entirely far off, but it did have a little bit of a difference and that made me nervous. I could only imagine how it would feel if they were real and Puzzle reached up and cupped it in his hand. I bit my lip as my cock throbbed in my pants, torturing me. 

Puzzle reached up and pulled me down to his lips again, weaving his fingers through my hair and gripping tightly. I felt a moment of shock, and the tug of my hair made me moan softly and Puzzle made a noise against my lips. He bit into my lip a little, making me whimper and squirm against him. I could feel our bodies rubbing against each other, and it made my whole body sing in anticipation. I wasn’t sure how far we were about to go, but I was ready for it. 

I gasped as Puzzle rolled us around so that I was on my back, my legs wrapped around his waist tightly. I found the position comforting and familiar, and I liked it. It felt just as good for it to be Puzzle on top of me as it did for Blake to be on top of me. I had only ever done this with Blake, so I was excited for these experiences with Puzzle, each one was different and exciting. I felt a whole lot more confident kissing Blake because I felt like I knew better what to do. I always felt like such a newbie when I had only ever kissed Blake. I just didn’t feel like I was good at kissing because I didn’t really have any practice but with Blake. 

“Wow, you look even better on your back.” Puzzle teased, and I giggled, looking away from him shyly. I wasn’t sure if that was a complement or not, but I felt like it was and it made my cheeks heat up. Puzzle put his hand on my cheek and smiled down at me. “I want to do this somewhere besides here where I have to worry about Blake hearing or walking in.” He said, and I nodded biting my lip. I understood why he wanted to wait and do it somewhere else, and honestly I kind of agreed. “I want everything to be perfect, Ash. A perfect moment, with just us. You know?” He asked, looking a bit nervous. 

Blake didn’t seem bothered by anything, but I hadn’t really been flaunting anything either. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it and it made me confused. Blake also was not someone who would do anything he didn’t really want to do. He wasn’t afraid of saying something made him unhappy if it was necessary and I feel like this would be one of those situations where it’d be necessary. “Perfect?” I whispered.

“Perfect.” He smiled a little and I giggled and nodded. 

“I’d like that.” I said. He smiled and leaned down kissing me softly on the lips and pulling himself off me and sighing deeply. He grabbed the remote for his lights and turned them down, and laid down on the bed beside me. I laid down beside him and he pulled me closer to his chest, resting his face on the side of my face. We were facing the television as he held me, watching Family Guy. 

To be honest, I felt a lot more confident in my relationships since sex had been cut back. It had taken a little(okay, a lot)of time for me to realize that Blake wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t care about me, and that sex wasn’t the singular most important thing in our relationship. I didn’t really know when I realized it, but I just sort of stopped believing that in order for Blake to care about me we had to have sex and it was liberating. This moment in and of itself felt perfect to me. The calmness of the air as we lay there holding each other. The sound of his slow and steady breathing, with occasional laughing bouts in between jokes. 

The moment was peaceful, calm, serene and intimate in a different kind of way. I found myself relaxing into his arms, letting the high envelope me like Puzzle had done with his arms. It was a moment I’d never forget.

59. ιитσχι¢αтισи

There’s a certain magic that comes along with being in love–that makes you feel intoxicated with love–and that feeling lets you know that it’s real.

A S H T O N 

I found myself in the playroom the next morning, kneeling on the floor with my hands out by my side, my head coming up to about Blake’s waist. Blake was going over different positions I had to remember and practice. He was also guiding my body into the right positions and I couldn’t lie, it was interesting to feel his hands touching me for non-sexual or romantic reasons. My body was begging to respond, despite me fighting it so that I could concentrate. It was failing miserably, unfortunately, because my whole body was tensed, and my heart was racing. I could feel my dick pulsing between my legs as Blake slowly walked around my body, watching me.

His eyes being trained on me was something that only fueled my desire, and I was biting into my lip and looking around the room without moving a muscle. I was breathing shallowly, making sure not to move from position three. I could barely remember the first two positions he’d put me in, because my mind had begun to fog up during the first one.

He’d been so close to my body when he’d helped me figure out the position I was supposed to be in, and my blood had immediately changed directions when I felt his whole body pressing against me. “Ashton, relax.” Blake said calmly and I immediately rested my ass on my heels, put my hands on my thighs and took in a long, deep breath. The positions were pretty easy to get down, as long as I can remember them.

“Good job. You should make time to think about those three positions until I can command you what position to get into and you immediately go to that position, do you understand?” I nodded my head obediently, keeping my eyes trained on the dot on the floor. “When you are in trouble, the dot on the floor is where your eyes should go. If you’re not in trouble, you may make eye contact with me.”

“Yes, daddy.” I said, moving my eyes up to meet his. He smiled and patted me on the head.

“From today, on, you will begin getting up at nine am on weekdays. You will get up with me and help me prepare breakfast. You will then shower, get dressed, and begin schoolwork. During your lunch break, you will make yourself a small lunch. I prepared a book of different meals that you can make without cooking, everything from Cucumber Salad, to different kinds of sandwiches you can make. The book is on the counter currently. You can leave it there, or find somewhere you’d like to put it.” He said, and walked over to the table by the door. He picked up a small white book, with a beautiful butterfly on the front and walked over and handed it to me. I took it from his hands and opened it to the first page. He motioned for me to open it.

On the first page, in Blake’s perfect scrawl, was my name and the date. I flipped to the next page and there was a list of all my rules so far, with space to add more. The next pages had our contract laid out on it. I bit my lip and trailed my fingers over it. “What is it?” I asked.

“This is, for all intensive purposes, your handbook. I created the whole thing, different work pages, and information over everything involving the kinks we’ve discussed so far. It’s got an index of different toys, kinds of play, and the two dynamics you fit into the category of in my opinion.” He explained. “There’s also information regarding the other kinds of dynamics, as well, just so that you know your options. I have placed everything you need to know inside this book, as well as your rules, our current contract, your new schedule, and the positions we’ve already practiced, plus all the one’s you’ll eventually learn.” He said.

“Oh, wow!” I said, running my fingers down over the cover of the book gently. “It’s amazing.”

“It’s nothing. Now, Inside of this book is everything we will cover over the next month or so, depending on how frequently we do this or how fast or slow you want to do this. Everything is going to move at the right pace for you to learn everything completely. Understood?” I nodded again and he smiled at me. I smiled back at him and sat the book down in front of me and put my hands back on my thighs.

He smiled again, and I shyly smiled, pride filling my chest. I hadn’t ever thought I could fulfill Blakes needs in this way, because every time I think I’m going to get trained, something would happen and I couldn’t. It was disappointing because I was so excited about starting training. I looked down at the dot on the floor.

I suddenly was filled with a sense of fulfillment in that moment, excited for what was to come. We’d barely done anything so far and I was ready to go, to learn everything I possibly could before he had to get back to work. “So far we’ve covered positions and rules in the playroom, and your new schedule. I know that you are excited about this but, I want to make sure you are getting everything that I’m saying, and learn it. Any questions?” He asked me, and I shook my head. “Do you need to work on what I’ve already covered or do you feel confident that you remember everything?”

I hesitated, nervous. I didn’t want to mess up and disappoint Blake. I felt like I had the positions down, but now I’m not so sure. What if I just think I have them down? “I’m not sure, really.” I finally said, and bit my lip. I felt bad for holding things up, but I wanted to be the best submissive for Blake that I possibly can be. I have to do a good job for him, and I’d rather take a little extra time to learn it than for him to have to teach me the same lesson every day until I get it.

“How about we practice a little more with the positions I’ve already covered with you, and see what happens? You seemed to already remember them earlier, granted it was a little fresher on your mind, but I want you comfortable with what you learn here so I don’t mind taking the time to perfect it.” He said, and motioned for me to relax. I did, automatically. He smiled and nodded at me. “Position three.” He said, and I stood up on my knees, putting my hands behind my head and holding myself still and straight. He nodded, smiling at me. 

A couple hours later I was sitting on the couch, Puzzle on one side of me, Blake on the other. We were watching a movie, and Puzzle and I were sharing a carton of rocky road ice cream. Puzzle was watching me out of the corner of his eye, smiling a little. I blushed and glanced away from him. Blake had his arm around my shoulders, and Puzzle and I were holding hands and I felt really happy with both of them around me. 

I felt… safe. Untouchable, almost. I had been happy with just Blake, but after being with both of them like this, I knew that this was where I belonged. Blake was my home, the one thing that I couldn’t do without, and Puzzle was like my bed, the one thing I never wanted to do without. The concepts felt so similar, yet different, at the same time. I wasn’t sure what exactly was different except for the length of time that I’d been kind of with both of them. 

I’d been with Blake for almost a year, and Puzzle was like a month, maybe. 

Puzzle and I had the same kind of connection that Blake and I have, only it’s less sexual, but only just. I feel pretty sure that one of the reasons we hadn’t had sex yet was because Puzzle was nervous about doing it in the house with Blake. I understood it, because I felt the same way. It seemed like it was some unspoken boundary. 

“So, I was wondering if after Thanksgiving if Ash could come with me again to go to Maine?” Puzzle asked, and Blake nodded immediately. “I was thinking the first weekend after Thanksgiving we could go up to Maine, buy some more weed because I’ve gone through about half my stash already, and if my friends in town maybe hang out at their house for a while.” Puzzle said. 

“Are drugs involved in this hang out?” Blake asked, raising an eyebrow. Puzzle smile hesitantly and shrugged a little. “At least you’re honest. Well, try not to get arrested. If you do, I’ll bail you out, and murder you. And then revive you so you can bail me out, then murder you again.” Blake was aiming to look serious, but he really just looked like a giant teddy bear giving a lecture to a leprechaun. 

I busted out laughing, covering my mouth and leaning forward a little. I couldn’t help but give myself over to the laughter for a moment, picturing a teddy bear lecturing a leprechaun about stealing pots of gold from rainbows. “What?” Blake asked, teasingly. 

“Teddy bear–” I tried to say around a fit of giggles, “Leprechaun…” 

Puzzle laughed then, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. He grabbed my pen and took a hit, smirking at me. “I think you’ve had plenty of this for the moment, Ash.” Puzzle teased and I pouted, glancing up at Blake. He raised his hands in an ‘I surrender’ fashion, and I sighed deeply and rolled my own eyes. 

“It was a teddy bear lecturing a leprechaun about stealing pots of gold from rainbows. That’s what I thought of when Blake started going on about getting arrested.” I said, poking Blake teasingly. He laughed a little and rolled his eyes. 

“Let me have it, I don’t think either of you need anymore.” Blake said, laughing as Puzzle began laughing this time. He took the pen from Puzzle and eyed it closely. “So what is this stuff exactly?” He asked Puzzle, whom had calmed down once Blake took the pen from him. 

“You ever done a dab? Like the wax?” Puzzle asked. I knew he was directing the question at Blake, but I shook my head no anyway. Blake nodded, though, and Puzzle smiled and pointed towards the pen. “That’s essentially just the wax, just more liquid-y.” 

“Ah, that’s cool. So it’s just pure canabis, right?” Puzzle nodded. Blake took a hit off of the pen, and inhaled for a minute and then started coughing. He took another hit and handed it back to me. “There you go, princess.” He said, kissing my cheek and leaning back against the back of the couch a little more. 

It didn’t take long for Blake to start laughing more at the television, and the carefully put up walls came crashing down and he was… different. He wasn’t as serious, he began making jokes, teasing me playfully and he and Puzzle started talking about whether or not Avenged Sevenfold was better before or After some guy named the Rev. 

I wasn’t sure entirely who they were talking about, I’d only ever really listened to pop music and my parents listened to stuff like Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band or whatever, so I wasn’t able to contribute anything to the conversation really. It was interesting to hear the two compare songs and stuff before and after. I liked to hear the two talk, especially to each other. I was probably going to look up a  couple of the songs they mentioned liking later, and see if I liked them as well. I wanted to be able to join in on the conversation next time, and I won’t be able to do that if I don’t listen to it at least one time to know anything about it. 

I had thought that I knew Blake really well, but I realized that I only knew the side of Blake that he let people see. I knew what it was like to project an image that doesn’t fit you, I’d done it for eighteen years, I knew that it wasn’t easy to keep that image up. I wondered how long he’d been projecting it, how long he’d need before he ever let me see into the depths of his mind, where I had a feeling not many had ventured into. 

The thought of seeing a side of him that I never had before made me excited–it made me wonder how long it’d be before another piece of him was exposed to me. I wondered how many before me had tried to get into his mind, and how many had succeeded. I wanted to know him, every bit of him. I couldn’t help it, he was a mystery to me in so many ways, and I wanted that to change. I hoped it would. 

I glanced over at Puzzle, and smiled at him, feeling his thumb trace across the top of my hand gently. I smiled and glanced down at mine and Puzzles hand, entwined together. I could feel Blake’s arm around me, and Puzzle’s hand in mine, and it was exciting–exhilarating.

I never imagined that life could be this way. I didn’t think that it was possible to have more than one partner, or that you could actually be happy in a relationship. In my home, it always seemed like the appearance of happiness was better than actually being happy and I wasn’t sure if that was a good way to live or not–it didn’t seem like it to me because I’d been hiding things from everyone trying to live that way and I wasn’t happy at all. I really just wanted to be free from the stress and the lies. It was freeing to actually feel like a person. To feel like myself.

I wasn’t aware that being open about yourself could make you happy but it has made me happy and I can’t help but wonder if everyone was to just be themselves if the world wouldn’t be a better place… but then some people are like, murderers and stuff though so… maybe that’s not such a great idea. But, the majority of the world should be themselves, anyway. 

It isn’t fun to have to pretend to be someone that you aren’t and I want to make both of these people in my life happy enough to not have to be anyone other than themselves. If I do that, I’ll be happy with my life.

ωнιℓє уσυ ωαιт

Hey guys, Alex here. I’m sorry I’ve been a bit busy, I’m trying to get use to writing with a cooing three month old constantly around and I’ve found I write best in silence. I can’t seem to focus on anything for long periods of time. Regardless, I’m trying to get onto some sort of a schedule with my writing. My goal is gonna be update one story every two to three weeks, and I’ll write short stories in between because lately that’s what I’m having the most luck finishing. I am working hard to secure time by myself to write, or to come up with a time I can write while the baby is sleeping without not sleeping at all myself. In the meantime while you are awaiting another chapter that could be posted anywhere from tomorrow to three weeks from now depending on how quiet the baby is the next few hours to weeks, here’s some short stories I’ve written!

(Link to story in comments by name)

Sincerely, yours. After the sudden loss of his master of ten years, Caspian is left reeling and lost. Jeffrey had taken care of arranging everything so that it’d work out in Caspian’s favor–he made sure he could take care of Caspian, even after he was gone. Jeffrey was nearing fifty when he died, but he’d left Cas everything he owned. Caspian didn’t even know that Jeffrey had a will–Let alone that he was in it. Cas had been Jeffery’s slave for years, he hadn’t worked or made decisions for himself since before he met him, and he wasn’t sure exactly how to even go about leading a normal life without Jeffrey’s guidance. He felt lonely, and abandoned, angry at Jeffrey for dying, and completely empty and lost. Until… (Erotic, kink)

Whispers of love

Jamie Warren had spent three years working for Lorenzo Bertarelli as his assistant. There was a certain amount of fire between the two. Jamie had came into the company as his assistant three years ago, and he was the first assistant that Lorenzo had, that he didn’t chase off in a week. Jamie was just the right amount of precise, just the right level of organized, and he was thorough in his work for Lorenzo. Lorenzo valued that kind of work ethic, and thought that Jamie was the perfect assistant for him. It didn’t take long at all for sparks to fly between the two, and they were meeting up in hotels late at night, going out to private dinners and having sex. It was the perfect arrangement for them, as they could be seen together because of their work relationship, and it wasn’t weird. They behaved very professionally at work in order to keep their relationship a secret so they didn’t have any stress or pressures. Keeping things a secret made things perfect–intimate and private. It was fun to have secret meetings and it really turned the heat up in the bedroom. ( Erotica , light

kink )

Secrets

Noah Garner was content with his life, despite hiding his sexuality. He wasn’t particularly bothered by it, because the only man he’d been attracted to was someone unattainable. Benjamin Howell was astoundingly sexy, just the right age for Noah whom liked older men, and was his dads best friend so just the right amount of off limits for him. He was so unattainable that Noah didn’t think he’d find himself having an opportunity to even consider being with the man. He was married, way farther along in life than Noah was, and he was straight–at least Noah thought he was straight. After Ben signs the papers for a divorce, though, he moves in with Noah’s family and Noah finds out how very wrong he was about… well, everything he’d thought to begin with. ( Erotica )

Bound to You

A lonely photographer in London meets a handsome stranger and falls in love. The two begin to experiment in the bedroom and it leads to the photographer at the handsome mans feet, begging for anything that the man will give him. ( Erotica, kink )

Him

An eighteen year olds world falls apart when his father is arrested and his aunt and uncle, and his mother was murdered. He gets sent into witness protection and a caring, but slightly temperamental man was his personal bodyguard issued via the government. He was dead set on protecting the eighteen year old, and keeping things professional. It didn’t take long for him to realize that keeping his mind off the boy wasn’t as easy as he wanted it to be. Years undercover can blur the lines between your cover and reality… who says you can’t change your cover into your reality, after all? ( Erotica )

(All stories on this account except for fanfics is copyrighted. All characters, plot and story lines are depictions of my imagination.)

Thanks for reading my books, and supporting me I know it’s been very hectic the past three years and I appreciate the people who are still with me. If you have any short story requests inbox me, or post in the comments below. Please include all relevant information to the story in your comment or message. If you send me vague, I’m gonna assume it doesn’t matter about the fine details (name, height, age, the physicality, eye color, hair color etc.)

With well regards, Alexander

60. ∂уиαмιzαтισи

~ The world is a scary place when you’re facing it alone.~

P U Z Z L E

I sighed deeply and glance around my room, reaching for my bong and packing a bowl. I had enough left for a few days, maybe a week… but it was almost time to go back and get more. I wondered if Ash was going to tag along like they had last time. I really enjoyed being around them, it was fun to escape this place for a while and having them with me really made me happier. I took a hit on my bong, inhaling deeply and holding it. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… I exhaled, after counting exactly to five.

I sucked in a deep breath and gave myself a moment for my lungs to relax before I repacked the bowl and did it again. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… I exhaled. I frowned a little, frustrated at myself for exhaling that time, I’d really wanted to hold it longer. I really doubted I could have held it until ten though, so it’s probably for the best. I hated that my brain wouldn’t let me smoke normally. I wasn’t sure when that’d even started, but it was a while ago. I figured I should probably go back to the doctor and see what my psychologist has to say about it, but he’s going to want to talk about my mom and I really didn’t want to tackle that yet.

I wasn’t exactly running from it, but I definitely didn’t want to face the reality that my mom would probably be in there for at least a few years, if not the rest of her life and I would be alone. Except for Blake, who was her best friend for years. I had known Blake my whole life growing up and he was a better father to me than my own father had been. It was weird to live with him, though. He’s not as strict as he used to be, that’s for sure.

I remember when we’d gone to visit him and how neat everything was. I absolutely loved Blake’s house, I never felt like my skin was crawling there. My mother’s house was definitely not as orderly or clean as Blake’s and it was very chaotic. I loved the peace that came with a trip to Blake’s. My mother would drop me off randomly for stretches of time and I absolutely loved it. The older we both got, and the worse her schizophrenia got, the less I got to leave. I had to drop out of school because she was unable to stay home alone all day, and it was hell. I never got a chance to be free.

I realized pretty early on that I was being heavily effected by her mental illnesses, mainly manifesting in severe depression and anxiety, and OCD. My life was extremely chaotic, so I tried to control the chaos the best way I could. You never think when you’re a kid that your parents would be the reason you can’t succeed.  I could have stayed in school, but it would’ve meant going into the foster system and I didn’t want that. I wanted my mom to be okay, so I did what I had to. Now, I just feel like I delayed the inevitable while ruining my own life.

I wanted to call her, and tell her how I feel, but I don’t feel like it’s right for me to do that. It’s hardly fair to blame her for everything that I did willingly. I knew what I was doing, so why am I so angry with her?

I sighed again, thinking about Ash. Their eyes are really pretty, a light green color with just the slightest flecks of gold in them. Their smile is really nice as well, I love when they smile at me. It’s sort of warming, to know that I can make someone so perfect smile. I smiled a little, thinking back to when they’d slept beside me a couple of days before. It was amazing to spend the night with them, and hear them talk about everything. I loved to hear Ash’s voice, it was soft but somehow heavy, like a song.

Ash spoke in a way that made it impossible not to like them. I wasn’t typically a person who really considered dating in general, but Ash made it feel right. I wasn’t really sure what we were, but I knew that I loved it. Whatever we are, is great. I loved every moment of time I spent with them.

A knock at my bedroom door alerted me to someone being at the door and my heart jumped a little in excitement. Usually Blake left me alone, so unless it’s about my mom it’s Ash. I got up, sitting my bong on the bedside table and walked around the bed, going to the door and opening it up. I smiled when I saw Ash’s blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, and a short pair of shorts with a tied band tee I was pretty sure was Blake’s. “Hey, wanna go to the park?” Ash asked, and I nodded my head.

“Who all is going?” I asked, curious over if Blake or Damien was coming. If either came, I couldn’t really hug or kiss him.

“Just Damien and us,” Ash said, and I nodded and glanced over at the bed and grabbed at my pen, dropping it into my pocket. “He’s meeting us there, though. So we will have some alone time.” Ash smirked a little. “So, let’s go.”

“Alright,” I smiled back at them and followed as they led us down to the car. I got in the drivers seat and let him in, shoving the keys into the ignition. “Wait. I just smoked.” I said.

“Shit,” They murmured. “I did too, plus I can’t drive. Let’s just walk.”

I nodded and took the keys out, and put them in my pocket. I watched Ash head towards the street. I smiled and jogged a little bit to catch up with them, slowing down beside them. “How far of a walk is it?” I asked.

“A little over fifteen minutes. Damien is still at practice though so we have time.” I smiled and nodded, wrapping an arm around Ash’s shoulder. Ash sighed deeply and laid their head over on my shoulder, humming a little. “It’s beautiful out today. This was a good time to do this anyway.”

“It really is. How was your morning?” I asked, glancing down to see Ash’s pretty eyes glance up at me with a little smile.

“It was great, I had a lot of fun with Blake. I also did well in classes today.” Ash said, “how was your day?”

“The usual. I mainly slept.” I said, gripping Ash closer to me. Ash paused for a moment and turned towards me, wrapping their arms around my neck and stepping closer. I smiled a little, looking down into those beautiful green eyes and getting lost. Ash smiled back and stood up on their tip toes and pressed a soft but deep kiss to my lips.

Our lips danced for a few seconds before they pulled away, a little blush on their cheeks. “I missed you,” Ash said softly, the blush spreading a little bit. I laughed softly and nodded.

“I missed you too. Did you want to go to Illinois with me again?” I asked, and Ash nodded, smiling a little. “When can you go?” I asked.

“Um, let me check with Blake, and I’ll text you. How soon were you wanting to go?” Ash asked, and I shrugged.

“I have like a weeks supply left.” I explained, and Ash nodded.

“If Blake doesn’t want me to go this week I’ll give you some of mine, I still have a bunch of both.” Ash said, and I smiled a little and nodded.

“That works, I was hoping you’d want to go again, it was a lot of fun last time.” I said.

“Yeah, it was. I definitely want to go with you.” Ash smiled and pulled away from me and started walking again. “We do have to hurry or we will be late.” Ash teased, and I shrugged. I really wasn’t looking forward to meeting up with Damien. Damien was a lot of fun and seemed like a pretty good guy. I wasn’t entirely sure what the nature of his feelings were for Ash though and that made me a little uncomfortable because I didn’t know if there was history there or not. I didn’t really think so, it didn’t seem reciprocate any feelings further than friendship but I didn’t know Damien well enough to really trust him with Ash. I didn’t not trust him, though, I just wasn’t entirely sure yet.

I don’t want anyone to hurt Ash, so I’ll do what I can to protect him. Blake would as well, and I definitely trusted Blake and his judgement so Damien was fine. I just had to tell my OCD that, before it ran away with itself. It tended to take small things and turn them into much larger things. Compulsive thoughts are a real struggle and I need to get a handle on them. I followed Ash to the park, walking slowly beside them so I wouldn’t end up  way ahead. I could be a little thoughtless when it came to shorter people not walking quite as fast as I could.

Once we got to the park I glanced around for Damien’s truck and when I saw it wasn’t there yet I pulled Ash over towards one of the picnic tables and sat down on the table, facing towards the parking lot so that I could see if Damien pulled in. “Damien still has a few minutes of practice left, I believe it’s the showers now.”

“Oh, you mean those disgusting rooms flocked with alpha and beta males with tiny dicks. Yeah, I have nothing but terrible experiences in the locker room after gym.” I laughed and Ash giggled a little.

“I don’t really have pleasant experiences in the locker room either. I always looked like a girl and people would see me from behind and freak out. It was pretty embarrassing when I was younger. I hate gym so much and definitely don’t miss school at all.” Ash said, and shrugged a little. “I wasn’t exactly popular. I had one friend, that’s it. And because Damien was on the football team, most of the guys left me alone.”

“I’m glad, they can be jackasses.” I said, and trailed a hand down Ash’s spine teasingly. Ash giggled and blushed, glancing around before they pressed a kiss to my lips. For a second I was aware of the fact that Damien was probably at the least on the way, but Ash slipped a little bit closer and kissed me harder, and I lost my grip on sanity.

Kissing Ash was like that, it was all encompassing and passionate and holy hell did I scrape my zipper every time. I wasn’t sure what about Ash was so addictive, but it was like a dose of heroin every time we kissed. Ash wasn’t hesitating either though, kissing me as hard and as deep as possible. I pulled away and glanced up, checking for Damien’s truck, and when I didn’t see it I leaned back down and kissed Ash again, slipping my tongue between his lips and tracing the delicate planes of his mouth.

Ash moaned softly and teasingly ran his tongue along mine. I groaned softly and slipped an eye opened to see if Damien’s truck was here yet, but it wasn’t so I just let myself fall deeper into Ash’s warm mouth, wishing we were anywhere private right about now. I was going insane, my dick was sticking straight up like a fucking tree. Ash giggled a little and pulled back glancing up into my eyes a little shyly. I smiled and pushed at their bangs a little, absentmindedly, getting lost in his eyes again.

I suppose there were worse times that Damien could’ve made his presence known, but I was a little grumpy that I now had to quell my erection. I expected it, but I wasn’t ready for it and it really sucked. I sucked in a deep breath and tried to push the thoughts of Ashton naked from my mind as Damien sat down on the bench of the picnic table and groaned loudly.

“I’m fucking wrecked. Coach made us run extra laps, it was hell. My body feels like I was just ran over by a semi truck then plowed by a tractor. I need fifteen blunts to cope with the shit I’ve been through tonight.” Damien groaned.

“Why did he make you run extra laps?” Ash asked, sitting their hand down on the table between us. I slyly covered his hand with my own, making sure that it wasn’t obvious.

“Peter decided to mouth off and when one of us has to run laps we all do.” He complained and sighed deeply. “I swear I’m gonna shove my foot up his ass next time I have to run fucking laps.”

“Maybe don’t do that, it doesn’t sound like that’d be beneficial at all.” Ash teased and sighed. “Perhaps you should explain to Peter that you will retaliate somehow that won’t land you in jail or something.”

“Rational, I agree.” I chimed in. He groaned and shrugged.

“Fine, I could do that. But if I don’t succeed in ending this, I’ll be forced to take more executive actions.” Damien groaned. “Can I hit your pen, Ashton?” Ash handed their pen over to him and he took a long drag, carefully hiding the logo on the vape head. He handed it back to Ash, and Ash slipped it into his pocket. “Thanks.”

“No problem. What are we doing here, exactly?” Ash asked, and Damien shrugged.

“I was just bored.” Damien explained. “I do have my skateboard, though.”

“Ummm, thanks Dame, but you know… there’s three of us and one skateboard.” Ash asked, and he shrugged.

“I don’t mind sharing.” Damien said.

“I guess you guys can, I do not skateboard,” Ash said, and Damien nodded. “Puzzle skates I think, right?” Ash asked.

“Yeah, I skate a bit.” I admitted. Damien smiled and grabbed his board off the ground.

“Here, let me show you this.” Damien said, and motioned for me to come. I nodded and followed him. He walked a little away from Ash over to the sidewalk, just out of earshot. I raised an eyebrow as he turned to face me. “I saw you kissing Ashton the hell is going on? Who’s he fucking dating?” He demanded.

“Both of us.” I drawled, pulling out my pen and taking a hit off it. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… I exhaled slowly. “I don’t really see why it concerns you, though.” I slid it back into my pocket, and rolled my eyes at him.

“Fucking hell.” He sighed and glanced away from me. I raised my eyebrow. “The hell has happened to him. First it was leaving home and moving in with Blake, then it was leaving school, changing his gender identity and now dating two people at once.”

“He’s not cheating on Blake, Ash doesn’t know what their gender is but they are definitely not a cisgender male. And leaving school was necessary, they were really sick and you should know that better than I do. And their parent’s fucking kicked them out, they had no choice but to go to the only place they had. Ash is finding out who they are, and if you’re really their friend you’ll support them.” I said, looking back at Ash.

“I’m trying it’s just hard…” Damien said.

“I’m going back to Ash now, and I’m not going to say anything about this but don’t fucking try anything or you’ll wish you hadn’t. I care more about Ash than anyone in this world and I wouldn’t hesitate to protect them.” I said, and Damien nodded his head and sighed deeply as I walked towards Ash. I was suddenly furious at Damien and I needed to get back to Ash before I do something stupid.

The rest of the time there I kept my arm wrapped discreetly around Ash, more for Ash than for Damien. I wasn’t exactly sure how to even phrase what he’d said, but I really didn’t like it.

61. ιммσвιℓιzαтισи

Fear can only hold you back if you let it, but sometimes it’s not as simple as telling yourself not to be afraid…

A S H T O N

Puzzle and Blake were gone together, going to visit Puzzle’s mom in the hospital. Blake had told me I could go with them, but with the new COVID restrictions, I didn’t want them to get there and be turned away because there was one more person than could be allowed inside. The restrictions made everything very difficult, and I hated it. I was glad that I was out of school before it got bad. I got off easily because I wasn’t in public school when all the restrictions hit, so I didn’t take a dip in my grades.

I was doing pretty well in online school, despite smoking a lot. I focused so much better, my mind wasn’t racing and I wasn’t jittery. I had always had a hard time focusing, and it was misery trying to keep up with schoolwork. I was always studying, because I couldn’t focus on anything so I just had to dedicate all of my time to school. I found that with a little weed, I could do it easily. I was no longer staying in school for hours, no longer dedicating hours of my nights to homework. I could spend the time I spent studying to do other things, without losing control of my studies and it’s nice.

I pulled out my vape pen and hit it, grabbing a book and going down to the living room. I settled in the bay window in the den, overlooking the backyard. I flipped on the television in the den, going to the music choice channel and playing some quiet pop music in the background, grabbing my favorite fleece blanket and covering my knees. I leaned back against a pillow and opened the book, starting on the page I’d left off on.

I found myself immersed in the book, the background music playing quietly. I lost track of time as one page turned into one chapter, and one chapter turned into five. I was only lulled out of the book when I heard a crashing sound that came from outside near the back patio. I was unsure of if it was the patio or the back porch, but it was outside of the house. I stood up, walking toward the kitchen, thinking that it was just an animal in one of the trash bins outside. I glanced out the kitchen window at the porch and confusedly looked out at the untouched trash bins.

Maybe there’s an animal in the flower pots downstairs by the patio. I walked down into the basement, picking up a broom and heading towards the door to the patio. Just as I was about to get to it, I saw something crash through the window and screamed, running up the stairs, locking the door and pulling out my cell phone, dialing 9-1-1.

“Hello, you’ve reached the Dakota county 911 dispatch, can I get the address of your emergency please?” The 911 operator said and I quickly said the address to our house, walking up the stairs and heading into the bathroom, locking the door and cutting the light out before getting into the closet and shutting the door. “What is the nature of your emergency?” She asked.

“Something just busted the window in my basement. I’m the only one home.” I said, trying to steady my breathing.

“Is there someone in your house?” She asked.

“I’m not sure! I ran, and locked the basement door.” I said.

“Help is on the way. I need you to stay on the phone with me and answer some more questions for me. What is your name?” She asked me.

“Ashton.” I said.

“How old are you Ashton?” She asked.

“Eighteen.” I answered. “Almost nineteen.”

“There should be an officer at your home in about two minutes. They’ll look around and then they will call you on this number to tell you its okay to come out. Until you receive the call, I will remain on the line with you.” She said. “Can you hear anyone inside the house?” She asked.

“No, I can’t hear anyone, but I’m on the top floor in the bathroom closet so I don’t really know if that could be a contributing factor.” I said, trying to remain calm. I was shaking all over, holding my breath a little.

“Everything is okay. I just received notification from the officers dispatched to your home that they are there. If you hear anything, it is probably them, alright Ashton?” She said.

“Alright.” I held my breath anyway, anxious and shaking. My phone rang, and she asked for the number before telling me that was them and that they’d finish me up. I answered the call, and the officer asked me to come down to the door and open it. I did so, allowing them inside to take my statement.

“So we see where someone threw a rock through the back door, but when we got there, there was no one there. Did you happen to see anyone in your yard earlier today?” The officer asked, and I shook my head no.

“I haven’t seen anyone today, especially not in my yard.” I said, and he nodded.

Right as he was about to ask me another question, I saw Blake and Puzzle pull into the driveway. I was immediately relieved. Blake came running, as did Puzzle, up the stairs and straight inside. “What happened?” Blake asked immediately.

“Someone threw a rock through the back door.” I supplied him, and he raised an eyebrow.

“Can you walk me through what happened?” The officer said.

“Well, I was reading in the den, and I heard something outside. I thought it was animals in the trash bins, but when I looked, the trash bins on the porch were fine. So I walked down to the basement to check the patio and when I got down there, I saw something crash through the window of the door, screamed and ran upstairs. Locking all the doors behind me as I ran.” I explained to him.

“When you saw something crash through the window, did you happen to catch a split second glimpse of the person?” The officer asked. I shook my head. “So here is what is going to happen, okay?” He asked. “I would like to station an undercover police officer to watch your house. Whoever did this, has been here before. When I was looking around, I noticed in the lining of the woods out at the back of your property there were footprints and cigarette butts.”

“So that means what?” Blake asked.

“I don’t know why or who is doing it, but someone is watching you guys.” The officer said.

“Great. Alright, well, what if we went to a hotel?” Blake asked.

“That would also be okay. Though I would still like to put an undercover cop outside to try to catch whoever is doing this. Is that alright?” He asked.

“Yes, that’s fine. We will get packed. I will also be sending someone to repair the back door before we return,” Blake said.

“Alright, that’s fine. I’ll wait here for you guys to be off.” The officer said, stepping towards the door. “Take your time, I’ll be in my car doing paperwork.” He said, and stepped outside. As the door shut, Blake motioned for us to go upstairs. As we walked, Blake quietly said “Do not leave a single piece of paraphernalia here. Bring all your pipes and bongs and stash, everything.”

“Okay.” Puzzle and I said in unison. We separated, going into our rooms and began putting stuff into bags. I shoved about five days worth of clothes, and four nights worth of pajamas on top of my box of weed stuff in my backpack.

“My weed pen is in the den.” I said, and Blake nodded.

“I’ll grab it when I go get my laptop from my office.” Blake said.

“Okay.” I said, putting my makeup into the front pocket of my backpack and zipping it up. I put my training book into the backpack, and zipped it up. Blake zipped up his suitcase and walked downstairs. I watched him go and sighed deeply, putting my bag over my shoulder and I walked to Puzzle’s room. Puzzle was shoving stuff violently into his bag, it was overflowing and it made me giggle a little.

“You know I have another bag you can use.” I said, and he shrugged, finally getting it to zip up.

“It’s fine.” Puzzle said, and stopped for a moment, walking over to me and putting his hands on my shoulders. “Are you okay?” He asked. I nodded. He shook his head and put his hand on my chin pushing my face up so that I was staring into his eyes. “Are you okay?” He asked again and I nodded again. He looked over my face and then leaned down and kissed me softly. “I was so worried…” He trailed off. “Well, lets go. Don’t want to keep Blake waiting.” Puzzle said, and smiled a little. “Need a hoodie?” He asked, and I nodded. He handed me one and I put it on quickly, before putting my backpack back on. I walked downstairs, going into the den and grabbing the blanket and my book, noticing that Blake hadn’t picked up my pen yet so I picked it up and stuck it into Puzzle’s hoodie pocket walking out to meet Blake and Puzzle by the door.

I nodded to Blake and he nodded back, opening the front door and leading us out to the car. We all got in and waved to the officer, driving off towards town. “What hotel are we going to?” Puzzle asked.

“We are going to the H&M. You will be getting your own room.” Blake said.

“You’re gonna pay like two hundred dollars for me to have my own room?” Puzzle asked. Blake nodded.

“It would be massively inconvenient for all three of us to be shoved into one room.” Blake said. “Ashton alone takes up three fourths of a room, and I’d like to have some space too.”

“Okay, that’s fine.” Puzzle said.

“We don’t really know how long we will be at a hotel so comfort is necessary. I’ll ensure that we get rooms on the same floor.” Blake said, and Puzzle nodded. “Plus, I’m going to be busy a lot dealing with repairs for the house and stuff so you guys will need to keep each other entertained anyway.”

“Alright.” Puzzle said, and we were quiet the rest of the way there. Usually I’d keep the conversation going, but my mind was running away with me, and I was really uneasy so I was being quiet and trying to process things.

I couldn’t believe that if I hadn’t of called the police I could’ve died. I felt so… off-center almost. Like the ground beneath my feet had shifted, almost. I didn’t feel safe, but at the same time I didn’t know how to feel or how I should feel… I didn’t really know anything.

-   -   -

Blake had gotten us settled into the hotel, paid for the rooms and took us to them. Puzzle’s room was right across the hall. “How are you Ashton?” Blake asked, and I sighed deeply, and felt tears welling up in my eyes.

“I’m okay. I’m fine.” I said, and he shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder, pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around me. His scent immediately wrapped around me, entrapping me in an immediate feeling of safety.

“I don’t really know how to help, Ash. I just know how terrifying that must’ve been for you.” He said softly, and I nodded.

“I was really scared.” I admitted.

“I can imagine. What exactly happened?” He asked, and I explained what had happened, how I was reading in the den, sitting right by the window and never saw the person walk to the back door. I told him about hearing something fall, and how I assumed it was animals and went to look and scare them away. I told him about the crashing through the window, me screaming and running up the stairs, locking the basement door. I told him everything and I felt so, so much better just talking to him about it. He made everything better.

“I just feel so… scared daddy.” I said. Blake nodded and pulled me closer to him, wrapping me up in his arms.

“I love you, Ashton.” He said softly, and I smiled and nodded.

“I love you too, daddy.” I said, and he smiled and kissed me softly.

62. ѕє∂υ¢тισи

~ I want you, like I want him, it’s different but somehow the same.~

A S H T O N

I was sitting by the pool, stoned off my ass with a non-alcoholic cocktail in my hand, watching Puzzle splash around in the pool. Blake was sitting beside me, lounged out on a lounge chair with his sunglasses on, a pair of swim trunks somehow making him look even sexier. I wasn’t the only person looking, I could see quite a few women also looking and I wasn’t sure if I felt jealous or not.

I knew Blake wasn’t looking at them, mainly because I could hear him snoring quietly. I wondered briefly if I should wake him up, but he was under an umbrella and he had sunscreen on so I wasn’t too worried about him getting sunburnt or heatstroke. I also knew that Blake wouldn’t really look at them regardless.

“Ash come in!” Puzzle called and I smiled and nodded, taking off the hoodie I was wearing and sitting down on the edge of the pool, slipping my legs in. Puzzle swam over and stood up in the pool, putting his hands on either side of me and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. “You look really sexy in that bathing suit.” Puzzle teased, and I blushed brightly, fluttering my lashes and looking away shyly.

“I feel kind of ridiculous. Everyone can tell.” I said, and he shook his head.

“You absolutely cannot tell. Especially from a distance.” Puzzle said, and smirked a little. “But, if you feel uncomfortable, I’m not against piggybacking you around the water.” He offered, and I glanced at the water anxiously.

“You’ll hold me?” I asked cautiously.

“The whole time.” Puzzle said. I nodded, and put my hands on his shoulders, letting him pull me down into the water. He smiled and moved me around to where I was on his back, my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.

I floated around in the pool holding onto him closely, nervous about the water. I wasn’t usually afraid of water, I don’t really know where that one came from. I sighed deeply and rested my chin on his shoulder. Despite my crawling anxiety, the water felt amazing on my skin and I was relaxing some. Puzzle kept his word and didn’t let go of me.

Puzzle was just swimming around the deep end of the pool, somewhere I would’ve never gone on my own, because I wasn’t even as tall as the deepest end of the water, and my swimming skills are okay at best.

Some kids came over and were playing with Puzzle, and I couldn’t help but smile, even as I was getting splashed in the face. Puzzle was like a child himself, and it was cute and endearing on him. I couldn’t help but picture him as a father, and I had no doubt that he’d make an excellent one. He would be amazing because he grew up with two not great parents.

I wasn’t sure how long the splash fight lasted, but I ended up sitting on the edge of the pool watching the two because I wanted to let Puzzle have his fun. I enjoyed watching him have fun, and be carefree. Something about seeing him like that was… attractive.

I glanced up and saw Blake looking at his phone, and I stood up and walked around the pool, back over to him and sat down. “Hey,” I said, and he smiled and pulled his sunglasses down to look over me.

“I have pretty good taste in women’s clothing for a man.” Blake said, smirking a little. I giggled and blushed, beginning to feel more confident in how I looked. I was so nervous at first, but Blake and Puzzle had somehow completely erased my self-consciousness. “I do have to go, though.” Blake said, looking at his phone with a frown.

“Why?” I asked, pouting a little.

“Because someone came forward with information on the break-in and I want to see the interview. Do you want to go or stay here?” He asked.

“Well, can I stay here? Because I can think of a thousand things I’d rather do than relive someone breaking into our house.” I said, frowning a little.

“I completely understand, you just stay here and relax. Have fun. I’ll be back soon.” Blake said and kissed my forehead after he stood up. I smiled and waved as he walked to the hotel. I walked back to the pool and sat down, slipping my feet back into the water. Puzzle swam over to me and put his hand on the ground beside me, smiling a little.

“What was that about?” Puzzle asked, and I sighed and bit my lip.

“Someone came forward with information on the break in, so he’s going to take care of that.” I said, and he nodded.

“That sounds like a riot, can’t believe we’re missing it.” He said dryly. “So… we’re alone here?” He asked teasingly, grabbing me by the hips and pulling me into the pool and pressing me up against the front of his body. I giggled and nodded, blushing a little. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed a kiss to my lips.

“Yeah, we should go upstairs and smoke. Maybe watch some Rick and Morty.” I said, blushing as thoughts of the two of us entwined in his bed, him on top of me.

He smirked a little, obviously seeing the direction my mind was going in and nodded. “Definitely. That works great for me. Let me just say goodbye to the kids and I will be right there.” He said, and I nodded, pulling myself out of the pool and stepping over to my lounge chair, drying off quickly and slipping my hoodie on, and then my mask. I met Puzzle at the end of the pool, stopping just behind him as he was saying goodbye to some kid.

“Is she your girlfriend?” The kid asked, pointing to me. Puzzle glanced back and nodded, looking back at the kid after a minute. “She’s so pretty.”

“Thank you, well, we are going to go watch some TV. Don’t forget to wear your mask to the baseball game.” Puzzle said, slipping his mask on and leading me into the hotel. We walked slowly up to the hotel room, going into his room and locking the door.

He flipped the television on and started streaming Rick and Morty. He then pulled out his pen and hit it twice, handing it to me. I hit it twice too, and handed it back to him. We went back and forth like that until we were giggling messes, cuddling on the bed in nothing but our bathing suits. “I want this damn suit off.” I groaned, pulling back and untying the top of the suit, feeling a little shy as the breast forms came into view.

Puzzle looked over me, his eyes darkening and his tongue flicking out to lick his lip. I blushed, crossing my arms a little. He reached up and grabbed my hands, pulling them away from my chest. “You look beautiful.” He said softly, and I blushed brightly. I was tingly inside, my skin felt almost alive with excitement because of the lust and the weed. With a surge of newfound confidence, I took off the bottom of the bathing suit and laid back down beside him.

Where I was laying was a little bit wet from my suit, but I could happily ignore it to lay beside him like this. He smiled a little and took his swim trunks off and laid them neatly by the bed, rolling over onto his side so that he was looking down at me. I blushed and glanced up at him, meeting his eyes and smiling. He leaned down and kissed me, his hand slipping onto the crook of my neck and holding me close to him. He rolled on top of me this time and I blushed, parting my legs and letting him slip between them. His arms rested on the bed on either side of my head, leaning down and kissing me again.

I whimpered and shifted a little bit, feeling his dick rub against my ass a little. I blushed brightly and moaned softly as he ghosted over the rim of my hole, leaving me aching for more. He pulled away from my mouth and started trailing little kisses down the side of my neck, little whimpers of pleasure escaping between my lips. He slipped down lower on the bed, his lips still leaving a trail of kisses until he reached my dick. I gasped slightly, glancing down at him. He looked up at me, and I bit my lip and nodded.

When his mouth enveloped me, I let out a shocked sound of pleasure. I moaned, feeling him bob up and down on my dick, his tongue trailing the underneath of my shaft. The combination of the suction, the warmth and the wetness was very stimulating and it made sparks of arousal shoot through me. He hummed around my dick, making me gasp and slip my eyes shut. His tongue cupped the underneath and slowly ran up and down. With every moment that he had me in his mouth, I was sinking further and further into oblivion, being overtaken with desire.

“Please,” I whimpered, and he pulled back and looked down at me with a teasing look on his face, before leaning down and over me, biting into my ear. I moaned, loudly, slipping my eyes shut for a moment before looking up into Puzzle’s eyes, who was smugly looking down at me.

“Please what, sweetheart?” He teasingly murmured, running his hand down over my abdomen to my dick, wrapping his hand around me and pulling lightly. I whimpered, biting into my lip.

“Please, I want you.” I murmured softly, and his dark eyes looked over me and I blushed brightly and looked down at his dick. He was hard, he was long and hard, slightly thinner than Blake’s. He was completely shaven, his dick was pale and soft, circumcised. I was practically drooling at the thought of having him down my throat someday. But right now I want him somewhere else. Really fast.

He reached over to the night stand and opened the drawer, grabbing a condom and looking at it. “These came with the room.” He laughed a little, ripping the wrapper open and looking over me as he stroked himself. I watched in anticipation as he slipped it on and laid back down on top of me. I let him between my legs and whined loudly, wiggling my hips back towards him. He laughed a little and pushed the tip of his dick against me. I whimpered and pushed myself back on him. “Fuck,” He groaned loudly, burying his face in my neck. “You feel amazing,” He  panted, kissing my neck.

I moaned softly, wiggling my hips and making him move inside of me. He groaned again, and started thrusting in and out of me slowly but steadily. I grabbed my legs behind my knees and pulled them up to my chest, letting Puzzle go deeper. It also made my hole tighter, and I could immediately tell a difference. The change in position opened me up to having my prostate hit and I cried out loudly, biting into my knee to quiet myself down.

Puzzle started moving a little faster and I let out a long moan, digging my fingers into the backs of my knees as I tried to keep from cumming already. I knew with Blake I couldn’t cum until I’m given permission, and not having that boundary with Puzzle made it really tempting to just give myself over to it. But I wasn’t ready for it to end, not yet… I wanted to cherish this memory for all that it is. Just like with Blake.

“God Ashton,” Puzzle moaned into my ear, his hands going up and gripping onto the edge of the mattress, my legs parting over his shoulders and I let go of my knees, reaching up and pinching his nipples slightly.

As he started moving harder and faster, I stopped playing with his nipples and focused on holding onto him, my nails digging into him harder than intentional. I was moaning and clawing. I found myself hopelessly begging him, falling apart underneath him. I couldn’t look away from Puzzle’s face as I watched him move inside me.

His grey hair was stuck to his forehead, sweat formed on his brow, a look of determination on his face. His eyes were so dark, I could barely see the color. His dark eyes were slipping shut off and on, uncontrollably as he slowly let himself get closer to the edge. We were moving in time with each other, him slipping further down until my legs were around his waist and he gripped my hips, thrusting hard and deep into me.

I let out moan after moan as he fucked me, every movement making sparks of lust shoot up through my body and I couldn’t keep my eyes open as pleasure completely overtook me. I felt myself reaching my limit and falling off way before I wanted to, and I moaned loudly, my nails digging down into his shoulders.

“Fuck, Ash.” He groaned, finally allowing himself to cum. He buried his face in my neck and sighed deeply. I felt him softening inside of me and giggled. I somehow felt closer to him, now, in some way. I felt… connected. I wasn’t really sure what was different but to me, something definitely felt different. I rested back against the bed, him resting his head on my chest, panting and sweaty. “That felt really good.” He said softly.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, nodding my head. I could still feel the buzzing under my skin, the last remnants of my lust beginning to fizzle away as I was left to bask in the afterglow.

I smiled softly and slipped my eyes shut, relaxing into the mattress.

63. νι¢тιмιzαтισи

~ Things seem to hit when you least expect them, but you know what they say… Bad things come in threes.~

A S H T O N

A knock on the hotel room door startled Puzzle and me, and he jumped up and ran to the door, wrapping a towel around his waist. I crawled into the bed and covered up, watching as he opened the door. “Ashton is here right?” Blake asked in a hurry and Puzzle nodded, blocking me with the door. “Ashton’s mom is at the police station right now, we need to go,” Blake said, and I jumped up and grabbed my hoodie and my swimsuit bottom, walking over to the door. 

“Why is mom at the police station?” I asked, and he sighed deeply. 

“Just… come on, get dressed in something appropriate.” He said, and I nodded, looking back at Puzzle who nodded. I smiled a little and ran across the hall, running inside and throwing on the first outfit I found that was decent, and ran straight back out into Blake. Blake smiled a little and kissed me on the head, taking my hand and leading me out to the hotel entrance. I followed him out and to the car, getting in and buckling up. 

I was nervous about seeing my mom, but I needed to know what was happening. I stared out the window, too nervous about everything to even think about starting up music. It seemed like the ride to the police station was hours when in reality it was only about fifteen minutes. I was anxious to know what happened. 

“Calm down, she isn’t being interrogated yet, they’re waiting on you to get there,” Blake said. “I figured you’d want to hear what she has to say.” 

“I do,” I said and sighed deeply. I took a deep breath and unbuckled myself. “I’m ready.” I said, and got out of the car. Blake nodded and got out himself walking up to the front door of the police station. I followed him inside and let him lead me to the officer who had taken my statement. 

“Hey, we really need to get started, the station closes soon.” The officer said and I nodded, letting him lead me to the interrogation room. “This is a double mirror. Can’t see out but you can see in. You’ll hear everything on the monitor right behind you, okay?” The officer said and I nodded. He nodded back and walked inside the interrogation room and sat the file down on the table in front of my mother. 

My mom looked a lot different than I remembered, tireder. Older. “Hello ma’am my name is Officer Purdue with with Dakota county sheriffs department. I’m working the case about the break in to Blake Reynold’s place. You asked to speak to me.” 

“Yes… I.. well, my husband has been acting strange since our son met Mr Reynold’s. Our son is dating him, and my husband didn’t… appreciate that a lot.” She said softly. “I don’t know where my husband is, he disappeared yesterday afternoon and I heard about the break in… I couldn’t not say anything.” She said. 

“You are aware that this does not erase you as a suspect, correct?” He asked her, and she nodded. 

“I would never hurt my son.” She said, and I almost laughed. I could see how torn up she was, but I wasn’t sure if it was over the fact that something traumatic had happened to me or if it was because she thought my dad did it. 

“It’s funny that you mention never hurting your son, because I have a file here with a restraining order against your husband under his name. I’m just curious as to why Blake Reynolds is listed as a witness to the crimes against your son, but you are not.” Officer Purdue said. 

“I’m married to my husband, it’s… it was my job to remain loyal to him.” She said. “I love him.”

“But you’re here.” He said.

“But I’m here, and I will tell you whatever you need to know.” She said. “I love my son.” She said, starting to cry. “I never wanted any of this. I always knew… A mother always knows… but I hoped I was wrong. I knew how he’d react.” 

“How who would react?” The officer said. 

“My husband. I knew that if he ever found out Ashton was gay, he’d react badly.” She said. 

“And you still let your obviously gay son live in the same house with him?” He asked. 

“What could I have done?” She asked him. “I couldn’t very well leave him, I have nothing without him. I’d be homeless, jobless, and alone. I thought… maybe he’d be able to look past it because he loved Ashton too.”

“Well, from what I read when I read over the police report filed to get the restraining order validated, called the police.” He said. “In the report, your son says your husband beat him, kicked him repeatedly in the head. It caused him to have a rare condition called Hydrocephalus. He had to have surgery to correct the damage done to him because of your husband. And you just watched it happened, and didn’t try to stop it? Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t know what to do!” She defended herself and he sighed. “My husband isn’t a bad man, he’s just a mess and doesn’t know how to handle his frustration. I thought that he’d stop and calm down and realize what he had done, and realized the mistakes he made…” 

“Listen, I don’t really care about your excuses.” He said. “I’ve seen too many kids thrown out homeless because of self-rightous bigots thinking that it matters where you stick your weiner. I’m going to continue with my interrogation, alright?” She nodded, and wiped her eyes. “Where is somewhere your husband would go if he was on the run?” 

“There’s an old cabin, in the middle of the smokies. It’s in his Grand-dads name. Lou Carter.” She said. 

“Lou Carter. And if I don’t find him there?” He asked. 

“Then he’s at his mamas house.” She said tiredly. He nodded. 

“Does he have any other living relatives?” The officer asked. She shook her head. 

“You just sit tight right here.” He said, and stood up. “Someone will decide what to do with you once we figure out where your husband is.” 

He stood up and walked out, and I watched her as she cried into her hands. He walked over to where Blake and I stood. “I don’t think she did it.” I said, and looked over at the officer. “She looks too upset.” 

“We will decide that once we locate your father and determine whether or not it’s his DNA on the cigarette butts we sent to the FBI lab in Quantico. None of the known criminals in the database came up as a match, so it has to be someone we haven’t tried yet.” He said. 

“If it is my dad, what’s going to happen to him?” I asked. 

“He will probably spend a few years in jail for breaking and entering, maybe on some child abuse charges as well.” He said, and I nodded. 

“What about her?” I asked. 

“That really depends on her actions. She will likely be booked on child abuse charges if nothing else, and then have a trial. Your testimony could get her in jail or out of it, depending on the light you place her in.” He said. 

“She’s going to be tried?” I asked. 

“She openly admitted to witnessing you being beaten by your father and doing nothing about it. Yes, she’s going to be tried. This state has laws in place that make it illegal to not report a crime.” He said. 

“I understand.” I said, and he nodded.

“You guys go on back to your hotel and relax. There’s undercover cops swarming your house, and I have two stationed in the parking lot of the hotel. If your father does come looking for you, you’ll have backup.” He said, and I nodded and sighed deeply. 

“Do you think that Ashton’s father is behind this?” Blake asked. 

“Well, he’s got probable cause, no alibi, and no one has seen him since yesterday. If he isn’t, then he’s done a great job of making himself look guilty.” Officer Purdue said. 

“I agree. It’s a bit odd that he just so happens to disappear right when it happens, and it’s really coincidental that he doesn’t have an alibi… but it’s especially odd that she came here and offered up incriminating evidence against her husband. She has been silent the entire time, and hasn’t even checked up on Ashton since he ended up at my house.” Blake said, and sighed deeply, rubbing his forehead.

“Probably for the best, I’m not going to lie to you. If they’ll watch you get savagely beaten, they’ll throw you to the lions to save their own hide.” The officer said, and glanced back at my mom through the window. 

“She use to be so loving.” I said, thinking back to my childhood, before my dad started being distant and strict. 

“I imagine that there is probably more to the story than what we are being told, Ashton. If it’s any consolation, I believe there’s a good chance if she pleads guilty to abuse, citing battered wife syndrome as a reason behind it she may get a lenient sentence.” He said. 

“Battered wife syndrome?” I asked. 

“Yes, she shows multiple signs of having been abused. She kept defending him, despite everything. She was afraid that I was judging her, and kept saying she thought he’d change. She also was very jittery and anxious. I noticed that she rolled her sleeves down when I walked into the room.” He said, and sighed deeply. 

“I don’t want her to go to jail.” I said, and he nodded. 

“Then go to her trial and speak on her behalf. In order to help her, you’ll have to throw your father under a pretty big bus, though.” He said. 

“If he broke into Blake’s house to try to hurt me, I’ll throw him under an amtrac.” I said, looking at my mother who was still crying. “Can I talk to her?” I asked him hesitantly. 

“I can arrange that if you think you want to talk to her.” He said and I nodded, glancing at Blake who nodded his approval. Officer Purdue opened the door and held it open for me. As I walked by him he said “Don’t tell anyone I’m letting you do this, though.” 

“I won’t.” I promised, walking into the room. Officer Purdue walked in behind me. My mom stood up and smiled, the tear tracks on her face betraying her. 

“Ashton, honey I’ve missed you so much.” She said. 

“I miss you too mom.” I said. “Right now I need to find dad, though, okay? So can you help me?” I asked her. 

“I haven’t seen him since early yesterday. He said he was going to work and never came home. I called his job and they said they didn’t see him there all day.” She said. 

“But you know where he’s at right now, mom. I know you know, somewhere deep in your head. Please, tell me what you’re not telling them.” I said. 

She sighed deeply and leaned back against the chair. “I wish I knew, Ashton.” She said, and I sighed deeply. 

“Mom, I know dad was cheating on you.” I said, and she gasped and shook her head. 

“Absolutely not. Your father is a good man, he’d never do that.” She said. 

“Really? I find it hard to believe that you don’t know, because you can smell her perfume all over him. Can’t you?” I asked her. 

“That’s not true.” She said, biting her lip. “He loves me, and he loves you. He’s just messed up, baby, he needs help…” 

“Mom listen to yourself. You don’t even believe that yourself, mom. He doesn’t love me, if he did he never would’ve beaten me. I want to believe that he’s made you this way, I want to believe that you didn’t help me because you were too scared to help me. And I’m right, aren’t I?” I asked. 

“No. No you’re wrong.” She said, her voice cracking halfway through. 

“How many times has dad thrown you into a fall and spit in your face, mom?” I asked her, and she broke down into tears. 

“He would never do that to me!” She wailed, and I reached my hand out and touched her hand softly. “He wouldn’t do that, not to me. He loves me. He wouldn’t hurt me.” She said, and I shook my head. 

“Mom, he has hurt you. I don’t cry while I tell people that Blake loves me and wouldn’t hurt me. You know why? Because it’s true.” I said. 

“HE LOVES ME AND YOU!” She cried, and I shook my head. 

“This isn’t love, this is fear mom. You’re so afraid of him you can’t even think straight. I know you mom, I remember back before dad started being distant and mean, very strict… I remember when you used to smile, mom.  You can make things right. You can help me.” I said. 

“Aunt Macy’s. He’s going to Aunt Macy’s.” She said quietly, crossing her arms across her chest. I nodded and stood up, looking at the officer. As I was walking out, mom called out to me. “Ashton,” I turned to look at her and she looked at me with big brown eyes. “He’s not your birth father.” She said suddenly. I jolted around and looked over her, shocked. 

“Who is?” I asked, and she slipped her mouth shut for a moment before hesitating. 

“John.” She said. 

“John? Uncle John is my dad?” I asked her and she nodded her read and bit her lip. 

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way.” She said. I couldn’t respond, because I didn’t quite know what to say. Instead I walked out of the interrogation room and into the room right outside of the room and looked at Blake. 

He made eye contact with me and sighed deeply, smiling weakly. He didn’t much know what to do with that information either, I don’t think because he didn’t even mention it as we walked out of the police station. Or on the way to the hotel. Or once we were in our hotel room. Instead, we sat in silence, neither of us really knowing what to say about what my mom had said.

64. яєαℓιzαтισи

~ Things can be so confusing, so messy. I can’t quite keep track of all the things that I’m feeling… but I know that it’s what feels  right.~

A S H T O N 

I didn’t really know what to do with the knowledge that the man I’d grown up knowing as my father wasn’t my father. I didn’t really know what it meant about me, or how I was supposed to feel. I didn’t know if I should call Uncle John and ask him about it, or if I should just never do anything with the information period. I know that my mom says he’s my birth father, but at this point can I truly trust a word she’s saying? I don’t even know her anymore. 

Whenever I look at her, I just see her staring blankly at me as I begged her for her help. Somehow, knowing that he did it to her too didn’t make it any better or easier. I didn’t understand why she let that happened to me any more than I did before I knew because at least before I knew he was doing it to her too, I could say she never knew it could happen. I could say she was shocked by my dads’ violent outburst and was afraid. I can’t say that anymore. 

She’d literally said that she knew he’d react badly to me being gay, and she still let him around me. I didn’t know what I could believe anymore, and nothing seemed to make sense. Things did seem to be falling into place, but it didn’t feel like it was for the better. 

I wasn’t sure exactly what I should do, so I did the only thing I felt like I could. I went to Puzzle. And I cried. A lot. 

He held me the entire time, comforting me with his presence and understanding. Blake was flabbergasted by the entire ordeal and he straight up told me he didn’t really know what to say about this, that he’d never experienced anything remotely similar and that he really wanted to understand how I felt.  But I knew he couldn’t. Not because he didn’t care, or want to, but because in order to understand, you had to have some experience with your mother hiding the identity of your true father a secret until you finally break her down. It was something that I knew no one would fully understand, but the closest chance would be Puzzle. 

“I just don’t know how to feel, you know? Uncle John… my dads’ brother? First of all, she literally lied in the interview. He has a sister and a brother.” I said, and he shrugged a little and sighed deeply. 

“Honestly, there’s like three guys I could potentially belong to and not a single one of them want a damn thing to do with me.” He said and sighed. “I understand the lying, though. My mom lied a lot, not even intentionally. It was just the first thing that came to mind, she’d say.” He explained. 

“I don’t really know, anymore. Honestly, this is just too much… you know? Like, it’s not bad enough that I witnessed our house getting broken into… and they think it’s my father that did it… but then my mom just drops this giant bombshell on me and I don’t really know how to feel about it.” I said. 

“What exactly did she say about it?” He asked. 

“She said ‘I’m sorry you had to find out this way.’” I said sarcastically. “I mean, I appreciate the concern, but it’s too little too late now I guess,” I said and he shrugged a little bit. 

“Ash, I know you’re upset but remember, your ‘dad’ beat you for something you couldn’t help… maybe this explains it. You keep asking yourself how your dad could sleep at night after hurting his own child… maybe he knew.” Puzzle said. “Maybe he knew you were not his son, biologically. Somehow, in his twisted mind, he decided that because you weren’t his son biologically, it didn’t matter.” 

“It does matter, though,” I said, and he nodded. 

“He doesn’t seem to be the most stable person you’ve talked about, though.” Puzzle said, and I nodded, shrugging a little bit. 

“I feel so confused,” I said and he sighed deeply and leaned forward and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, holding me close to him. I glanced up at him and kissed him softly. It seemed to catch him off guard for a moment, but then he started kissing me back. 

After a moment he pulled away and rested his head on me. “I’m sorry Ash.” He said softly, and I sighed deeply. 

“It’s okay,” I said softly. “I appreciate you talking to me.” 

“I love talking to you, it’s really nothing.” He said and smiled. “What do you want to do today?” He asked. 

“Can we just stay here and watch television and cuddle?” I asked and he nodded his head, scooting back on the bed and laying down. I followed him, laying my head on his shoulder. He grabbed the remote and turned on the tv, scrolling through the channels until he settled on Family Guy. We laid in silence, watching the television. I wasn’t sure why he felt so comforting, why I felt so safe with him. It didn’t really matter though, because I was relaxed and happy. 

I wasn’t sure how long we laid there, or really what happened because after a few minutes my eyes began to get heavy, and I felt myself begin to go to sleep. 

-   -   -

When I woke up, it was pitch black outside. The television was playing some cartoon I’d never seen or heard of. Initially, I thought it was me not being tired anymore that woke me up, but I realized that Puzzle wasn’t beside me anymore. I stood up and walked into the bathroom, pulling myself out to pee. 

I washed my hands and went to leave, but before I could, I heard something in the shower and turned around. When I glanced behind the shower curtain, I found Puzzle, curled up in the corner of the shower, asleep. 

I sighed deeply and shook him a little bit, making him jump and scream, his hands flying everywhere. I jumped back myself, and we just started staring at each other, both of our eyes wide.

It wasn’t long before Puzzle seemed to realize what happened, and calmed down a little. “I’m so sorry.” He said, and stood up, taking a step out of the shower and walking towards me. “I have nightmares. I didn’t want to wake you up.” He said. 

“So you slept in the shower?” I asked him. He shook his head. 

“I came in here earlier while I was having a panic attack and I guess I just fell asleep sitting there.” He admitted. “What time is it?” 

The question was something that’d flown my mind, but I didn’t know. I grabbed Puzzle’s phone off of the counter and glanced at the clock on it. “It’s midnight,” I answered, and he nodded. 

“Do you need to go?” He asked, and I shrugged. 

“Does Blake know I’m here?” I asked and he shrugged. “Let me check my phone, then I’ll tell you,” I said, and ran into the bedroom, grabbing my phone and checking it. I had a singular missed call, from an unknown number. I wasn’t calling that number back. I sighed deeply and texted Blake and told him I fell asleep at Puzzles, and that I was ok. He responded with a smiley face and an I know, so I figured it was okay for me to stay at least for the moment. I sent him a message and asked when he wanted me to come back to our room before I walked back into the bathroom. “I’m okay for now, I think,” I said and grabbed his hand. “Let’s go smoke,” I said, and he nodded and smiled. 

We sat on the windowpane, our knees touching, with his bong between us. We passed it back and forth, blowing the smoke directly out of the window of the hotel. I was momentarily worried about us getting caught, but I doubted we would. I was pretty sure that I saw some guy doing a lot more than weed by the pool earlier, back in one of the corners.

I pulled out my phone seeing that Blake said I could come home whenever I wanted and that he loved me. I responded to him, with a very enthusiastic I love you too, before I flipped to my gallery, and started going through my memes folder. 

I’d started the folder after meeting Puzzle, and finding out how much he loved memes. I pulled up a picture of a cat with its head stuck in a pringles can with another cat behind her, and the picture itself said: It isn’t consensual if her head is stuck in a pringles can. I showed it to Puzzle, and he immediately started laughing. 

Smoke started coming out of his nose and he started coughing. It was hilarious and I started laughing too. He looked like a dragon with all that smoke coming out. He passed me the bong and I sat my phone down, grabbing it and letting him light it before he picked up his phone and started to look through his phone too. I inhaled deeply and exhaled, slowly. I had learned that breathing deeply in and exhaling slowly out made it easier to smoke without coughing. I didn’t want us both to be coughing, they’ll think we have COVID and make us quarantine in this damn hotel room together. While I greatly enjoy Puzzle, being trapped in the room sounded horrible. 

He smiled at me and placed the bong on the floor when I went to hand it back to him and pulled out his pen instead. “Don’t wanna gas this place up too much.” He laughed a little and I nodded. “Can’t wait for this shit to be legal everywhere.” 

“Me either. I remember going to school and hearing how bad weed was… and seeing that commercial where the girl LITERALLY deflated after she smoked some weed.” I said. 

“Jeez, that commercial is older than Jesus. If it was remotely true, it’d be terrifying.” He said and shook his head. 

“It’s all a fear campaign,” I said. 

“Oh definitely. The timber industry lobby’s really hard for marijuana to remain illegal.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow. 

“Why?” I asked incredulously. 

“Well, for one Hemp paper is a lot better and more efficient than that of trees. You can recycle it three times what you can recycle tree pulp. It also only takes about a hundred days for hemp to be able to be used as wood from trees to build homes, whereas it can take ten to twenty years for a tree to even be considered for wood production.” He said. “On top of that, Reefer Madness happened in the 1930s and sparked a fear campaign saying that marijuana makes you violent. One popular fear campaign was that weed made white women sleep with people of color. It’s utterly ridiculous.” 

“For real? What’s Reefer Madness?” I asked. 

“Reefer Madness is a movie, from the ’30s, which depicted a man going insane from smoking marijuana and murdering his entire family with an ax.” Puzzle explained. “The movie itself sparked hysteria, along with headlines in the newspaper insinuating that only thirty days of smoking weed, you’ll become a violent, sex-crazed maniac.” He said. 

“I mean, weed does make me a little horny,” I admitted. 

“Oh?” He asked teasingly, and I nodded, blushing brightly and biting my lip. “Good to know.” He winked at me and I giggled a little and shook my head. 

“It makes me all… tingly,” I said, and he laughed a little. 

“Tingly?” He asked teasingly. I nodded. 

“I definitely feel tingly,” I said softly, looking up at him. He smiled a little and stood up. I turned to face him, pulling him into me. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me softly. His soft lips led mine in a battle of the wills, and I wasn’t really even trying because I loved letting him take control of our kisses. 

I still felt a little unsure of my role with him, because, with Blake, I knew… I knew that he was in control at all times, but with Puzzle, it seems like it switches back and forth sometimes and I wasn’t really sure what to do with that because I wasn’t use to it in any way. But it was exciting. I loved my role with Puzzle, I loved being with him like this and I wasn’t even sure what about it was different from the feeling I got with Blake. A lot so. 

But it felt right. It felt different. It felt… amazing. 

I love him . Like I love Blake.  It was a thought that decided to enter and leave as fast as it came and I wasn’t sure exactly what to do with the thought, so I buried it deep within my head and allowed myself to be overtaken by his kisses, and lost in the moment.

65. ιи∂єтєямιиαтισи

B L A K E 

I glanced over at Ashton, sleeping soundly on the bed, his beautiful blonde hair splayed out on the pillow. He was so gorgeous, especially up close. He had the smoothest, softest skin I’d ever felt in my entire life. His skin made the softest silk look like cheap hotel linens. I loved to watch him sleep, he looked so beautiful with his guard down. I often wondered what he thought about when he was sleeping, he always looked so happy and relaxed. 

Ashton had come back to the room around two, came and cuddled up to me, and we talked for a while. I felt so helpless in this situation because I can tell even though he’s faking it well, he’s extremely shaken by the bombshell that his mother has dropped in his lap. He grew up his entire life believing with his whole heart that the man raising him was his father, only to find out at the worst possible time that he wasn’t his biological father. 

Coupled with the beating, this news could overwhelm him and that terrifies me. I’ve known plenty of addicts, and it doesn’t just magically go away. When you’re having a great time, living it up, and are happy it’s easy to forget about the demons in your closet… but when life happens and things start to get too overwhelming the first thing you’re hit with is a strong desire to use again. I want to believe that Ashton would go to me, or even to Puzzle if he felt the urge but I wasn’t sure. 

Ashton wasn’t the most open and communicative person, probably from years of internalizing any problems that he had to keep from upsetting his parents or disappointing them. I knew that pain well, it’s not exactly easy being the bastard son of a billionaire. But, my life had been a lot easier than Ashtons. 

It seemed almost like the cards were stacked against him from the beginning. His dad started off with a violent history. Because of the pending investigation, Emmett Carter’s history was pulled up into the forefront of the investigation. There were calls from all of their neighbors between 1992 to early 2003, when suddenly the calls stopped. Coincidentally, when Ashton was conceived. I suspect that his mother cheated on his father and got pregnant and Emmett, believing that Ashton was his son stopped abusing his mother for the nine months of the pregnancy. When she delivered, they brought baby Ashton home to the house they currently live at, which is far enough away that you can’t hear anything from one house to the next. 

It was a theory at best, based on what little I’d picked up from listening when I probably shouldn’t have been. But, I felt like in this scenario anything I do know can help me and anything I don’t know can hurt me. I just wanted to get Ash back home and get on with our lives. Things were a lot different from when we first got together, but it really seemed to work well for us. 

I love Ashton with every fiber of my being, I never thought that it’d be so easy to know that he’s with Puzzle as well. I don’t feel jealous of them, or even really think twice about it. I actually quite like it, being honest. I’m a solitary person, I’ve spent my whole life alone and never minded. I don’t mind the time alone, it’s relaxing, and knowing that Ashton is with someone I can trust really makes it easy to kick my feet up. I don’t really feel jealous of them because I know our relationships are drastically different, I suppose. 

I am his dominant, his caregiver and daddy, and Puzzle is his boyfriend. The dynamic is nothing at all similar in the two relationships. With me, Ashton is submissive. He doesn’t have to worry about making decisions, he knows that I’ve always got his best interest in mind, he knows that if something is too much for him I’ll take a hold of it and fix it for him. I’ll provide for him what he needs, wants, and asks for, I’ll hold his hand in the daytime and completely ravish him that night. With Puzzle, he is always at an equal level with him. He never knows what they’re going to do until they decide to do it. They discuss their plans with each other and decide together. He has to make decisions, order for himself, and really has to pull his weight with their relationship because it’s completely opposite to the one with me. 

Truthfully, I felt like somehow Puzzle just fit with us in some capacity. I can’t really explain it, or put it into words, but I believe it. He makes Ashton happy, he gives me time alone to relax and decompress. Our relationship is different from what it was, but I’m starting to think that it’s for the best.

The relationship offered all of us something, it was mutually beneficial. 

I felt the bed shift and Ashton lifted his head up, his beautiful eyes peeking up at me from under his blonde hair. “Daddy?” He asked and I glanced down to look at him and smiled softly. 

“Hey princess,” I said softly, brushing his hair out of his eyes. 

“Are you okay?” He asked. 

“Yes, I’m okay. Just lost in thought I suppose.” I said, and he giggled and crawled over me, straddling my waist and leaning down over me. I put my hands on his hips and held him steady so that he wasn’t able to tease me too much. “Well, hello there,” I said teasingly and he blushed brightly and looked down at me. I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him deeply, my tongue slipping out to tease his lips. His lips parted immediately and I slipped my tongue in, exploring the smooth expanse of his mouth. 

He whimpered into my mouth and wiggled his hips a little, I could feel his hardening dick rubbing against mine and I gripped him and rolled us over so that he was below me. Ashton panted as he looked up at me through hooded eyes, his pretty green eyes staring up at me innocently. I smirked a little bit and leaned down, pressing a kiss to his lips again. He whimpered again and started rubbing up against me. I pulled back a little and pulled his underwear off, looking down over him. 

I watched the delicate blush race over his skin and began taking off my own pajama bottoms, rubbing my finger over his hole gently. I reached over onto the nightstand and pulled out a travel-sized bottle of lube. Ashton stared up at me with dark eyes, watching me closely as I poured the lube onto his hole and massaged it into his hole slowly. I didn’t dedicate a lot of time to that, though, admittedly because Ashton seemed ready to go already. 

I crawled up and held myself over him, grabbing my erection and pressing the head of it against his hole. After a moment, I pushed slowly inside of him, going straight in as deep as I could, holding myself still as deep inside of him as possible. He let out a moan, his hands reaching up and grabbing the headboard of the bed. I smirked a little. “Good boy,” I murmured softly. 

I started trailing kisses up and down his neck, biting down into his neck and sucking a little. He whined loudly and turned his head to the side to give me more space. I smirked a little and started moving inside of him, I started a little slower, building up my pace steadily so as not to make him too sore. 

I pistoned in and out of him, watching as he shook beneath me, his hands gripping at the headboard as hard as he could while he was moaning. “Daddy,” He moaned, pushing himself up to meet my thrusts a little bit and I groaned, putting more force behind my thrusts. 

Ashton cried out loudly and I felt his body tense up a little bit and knew that he was getting close to cumming. I smiled and started thrusting a little harder, making his eyes shoot open and his teeth claw down into his lip. I watched his face closely as I fucked him, loving how he looked in the throes of passion. 

His beautiful hair was strewn out around his head like a halo, forehead spotted with sweat. His eyes were dark, and his lips slightly swollen, and his teeth were clawing into his lip. His face was one of concentration as he struggled to hold onto his grip on his orgasm. I loved watching him like this, enjoyed seeing him completely ravished and needy. The closer to orgasm he got the more obvious it became to me that he was close. 

He was pushing up desperately, his hands finally abandoning the headboard to grip onto me and he was murmuring please, please, please , over and over, a mantra of arousal and need. I couldn’t help but watch him beg, he could bed anyone to his will, just about. But I could refuse the cutest puppies. 

I loved the feeling of his nails digging into me as he held onto me. I had just the slightest touch of masochist in me, and it spurred me on even more. I leaned down and kissed him deeply again, successfully getting his teeth to quit gnawing at his bottom lip. He moaned into my mouth and started shaking below me, his legs wrapping around my waist and clenching onto me tightly. I let myself sink down on top of him and he groaned loudly. As I pulled away from his lips for a second he stared up at me with lust and desire swimming in his eyes. I couldn’t look away from them, I was entranced by them. 

“Daddy, please,” Ashton whimpered, and I nodded and leaned down and kissed him again, stopping for a moment to speak. 

“Cum for me, princess,” I demanded, beginning to really focus on making us both cum. My lips immediately pushed against his and I was rocking us together. I could feel every inch of my dick buried inside of him, I could feel the warmth and tightness surrounding me and I let myself slip into the feeling completely, rendering the tight grip of control I had over myself for the moment. 

It only took a couple more thrusts for Ashton to let go and cum between us, I watched entranced by how beautiful he looked, completely fucked and desperate. I kept going, slowing down enough not to hurt him, and buried my face in his neck. I kept moving until I felt myself getting close and then I looked down at him to ensure he was still okay, and I was surprised to see him hard as a rock again. I smirked a little and started moving harder again. 

I didn’t hold back, and neither did he because he was moaning and crying out with every move I made inside of him. I was getting closer and closer, barely hanging onto my orgasm. I was there, I truly wasn’t sure how I’d lasted this long but Ash seemed to absolutely love it, because he was moaning and wiggling against me, trying to get friction on his dick. 

I reached between us as I continued thrusting in and out of him and jerked him off, showing his head special attention. I knew that he loved that, it made him whimper every time. As he was rubbing against me, and I was watching him try to get off again, I lost control of my orgasm and came, biting down into his neck to silence my groan of pleasure in his neck. Ashton stilled and whined. 

“It hurts.” He whimpered, and I nodded. 

“I know baby.” I said, getting down between his legs and taking his dick into my mouth, bobbing my head up and down on him. I cupped the bottom of his dick with my tongue and started working on getting him off again. 

-    -   -

Ashton was laying out by the pool on a lounge chair on his stomach, letting his back tan. He was proudly wearing his bikini and I couldn’t help but feel a lot of pride about Ashton. He looked amazing in everything he wore, but there was something about him in feminine clothing that really was a turn on. I always liked panties, but I had never gone farther than that with anyone but Ash. I didn’t really know how to react to it at first, but I grew to accept it and even could admire how stunning he looked. 

I shifted a little to hide my erection, as my eyes drifted down over his firm, round ass and thought about just a few hours earlier when he’d been around my cock. I loved feeling him around me. He was so tight and warm, his whole body soft and delicate to the touch. Puzzle was hoovering over by Ashton, some little kid talking to him as they had a splash fight. Ashton turned his head and smiled at me. I smiled back. 

He stood up and waved for a minute and came towards me, sitting on the end of my lounge chair. “Do you want to come to join me?” He asked. I shook my head and smiled a little bit. 

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m quite comfortable over here,” I said, and he shrugged and crossed his legs in front of him, leaning back a little and sighing deeply. “Who’s the kid hanging with Puzzle?” I asked and Ash shrugged. 

“Some kid visiting for a baseball game or something. He’s sweet and all, but he talks a lot.” Ash said and checked his phone. “This weird number keeps calling me. I don’t know who it is but I don’t want to answer it.” 

“That’s probably a smart idea. Do you think it’s related to the break-in, or the fact that you just found out that your biological father is your dad’s brother?” I asked, and he shrugged. 

“It could be either, and I don’t really want to think about it right now. Ignoring it for the moment won’t hurt anything.” He said and sighed deeply. “I just wish we lived in another country, far far away from all of my problems.” He said. 

Another country, you say? Maybe that can be arranged.

66. qυєѕтισи

~ A question asked is a question answered, but sometimes the answers can only lead to more questions.~

A S H T O N 

I sat by the pool under an umbrella, my laptop on the table, and my vape pen discreetly in my sleeve so it wasn’t out for the world to see. I was watching a blackboard collaborative meeting where my super boring math teacher who talks like an automated sales call recording was trying to explain properly how to do linear equations or something. To be honest, I was not focused at all. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about what my mom had said about John. Had everyone in the family known and just not told me? Did my dad… or well… I don’t know what to call him anymore. I’m so confused and I can’t seem to just stop thinking about it. I wanted to so bad, because it was killing me. How had my mom ended up pregnant by my dads brother? That obviously wasn’t intentional, so does that mean I’m a mistake? My mom had always said that she planned me, so it was really confusing. 

Did she intentionally sleep with John, and get pregnant by him? If so, why? What about that would’ve benefitted her? What was the point? My mom and dad never had another child, so maybe my dad can’t have children, and if that’s the case then… he had to know that I wasn’t his… maybe he was on board with it? 

I thought back to when I was younger and people would always ask who in the family I looked like because I didn’t look like my dad. It was more than just being thinner, younger and more feminine. My dad had brown hair and brown eyes. His brother was blonde with green eyes. Things were beginning to make more sense about my childhood, and always feeling weird because I didn’t look like my parents at all. People had sometimes thought they’d adopted me because I looked so different. 

Though some things made more sense, like how I’d never felt a connection with my dad but I’d gotten really close to John… things felt more confusing than ever. My mind was coming up with all these different scenarios that seemed to make sense but really none of them fully explained anything. I wanted to know why no one ever told me all of this until now, or why my mother never tried to get away from my dad. I want to know how my mom hid the abuse from me for so long. I wanted to understand things, but I really didn’t. 

I sighed deeply and slammed my computer shut, groaning in frustration and picking up my phone. I went to my contact book and scrolled down to the ’J’s and found John in the list. I took a deep breath and licked on the call button, and put the phone up to my ear. I listened as the phone rang, holding my breath. 

I couldn’t determine if I wanted him to answer or not, because I didn’t know if I even wanted to know the answer to the question I’m about to ask. Four rings later, I heard it. “Hello?” He asked, and I sucked in a deep breath and hesitated. Should I… just ask? “Hello?” He asked again, and I started tapping my foot anxiously. 

“Hey Uncle John,” I said, and I heard a rustling noise, and then silence for a second. 

“Ashton?” He asked, and I sucked in a breath. 

“The one and only,” I said, and blinked slowly. 

“What’s up?” He asked, but I had the feeling that he knew what was up by the tone in his voice. 

“Mom told me something and… I need to know because things just really aren’t adding up.” I said, and he sighed deeply. 

“Listen, Ash… your dad is your dad, he’s the one who raised you,” John said. 

“He’s also the one who beat me up and caused me to need surgery,” I said. “And the one who broke into my house while I was home alone.” 

“He did that?” John asked and I sighed. 

“Yeah. It’s been a really long year John. I just want to know what I don’t. Please tell me.” I said. 

“It’s pretty simple really, Ash. I loved your mother, and I thought my brother was a piece of trash. The last time the police were called, it was me who called them. Your dad was carted away and your mother and I spent the night together.” He said, and I heard him lay something heavy down on a table. “We had both been drinking, she was really upset and she asked… I didn’t really know how to say know. I was young and angry at my brother.” 

“So…” I trailed off. 

“We slept together, and a few weeks later she missed her period. We immediately knew that it had to have been when we slept together. The dates added up, and we were both so drunk I’m not sure if we would’ve remembered protection or even cared about it.” He admitted. “I wanted to be there for you. I offered to pay for your mother to divorce my brother but she said she could never tell him you weren’t his and that she’d never leave him.” 

“My mom chose to stay with my dad over you?” I asked. 

“Yeah. She said that she loved him and that having a child would make him a better man.” He said, and laughed a little. “I thought she was crazy, but I knew if I told anyone or your dad, they’d keep me away from you.” 

“Why didn’t you try to take custody of me?” I asked. 

“Ash, come on, I was living in a studio apartment downtown working fifty-hour weeks. Without your mother coming too, I couldn’t have done it.” He said. “Your father had ma, and dad, and Macy. I only had him, because the rest of my family is estranged from me. I couldn’t very well drop you off at his house for babysitting after taking custody of you from them.” 

“Does dad know?” I asked him, a little nervous over the answer.

“To the best of my knowledge, he still doesn’t know. But, he and I haven’t talked in months so I don’t really know. If he does, I better run and hide.” He laughed a little. 

“Did my mother plan me?” I asked, even though it seemed rather pointless to ask. 

“Your mother had been trying to conceive for a while, but it wasn’t taking. So, yes and no. She was planning for a baby, just not my baby. It didn’t really matter to her though.” He said. 

“What do you mean?” I asked. 

“From the moment she found out she was pregnant, she radiated excitement and love. Seeing her with you when you were a baby, you could tell how much she loved you.” He said. 

“And you guys just hid this from me?” I asked, feeling a little bit hurt. A little was an understatement of the century. 

“I wanted to tell you, Ash, I did.” He said. “But I had to make the decision I thought was right for you. After your mom had you, it seemed like the abuse stopped. I thought you were better off.” He said. 

“Were you ever planning on telling me?” I asked. 

“I wanted to, when you were eighteen. But, your mother wouldn’t give me your number. When I asked your dad he flew off the handle at me, screaming something about leaving his son alone. So… I did.” He said. 

“I wish you would’ve told me.” I said, and sighed deeply. 

“How are you dealing with it?” He asked. 

“Not really well,” I admitted. “I feel really betrayed by my mom. She watched my dad beat me and did nothing. Nothing. Then I left, to live with my…” I hesitated. 

“Boyfriend? I heard.” He said, and sighed deeply. 

“Dad?” I asked. 

“Your mom.” He said. “I don’t really agree with their stance on the matter. I don’t understand it, I won’t lie to you. I don’t really find anything attractive about males. But if you do, I don’t care.” He said. 

“Well, okay. I went to live with Blake, and dad came over and tried to make me come back home with him the day after beating me. Blake wouldn’t let me, and I appreciated it because I was really intimidated.” I admitted. 

“Yeah, he can be a little intimidating when he’s angry,” John said and sighed deeply. “For what it’s worth Ashton, I truly am sorry for the role I played in lying to you. I should have told you the truth.” He said. 

“I appreciate that, John,” I said, and sighed deeply. My phone started ringing and I pulled it away from my face to see who was calling and I saw it said, Blake. “Hey, I gotta let you go, I’m getting another call. Can we talk later?” I asked. 

“Yeah, you can call me whenever.” He said, and I said a quick goodbye and hung up the phone, switching over to Blake’s call. 

“Hey princess. Your dad’s in police custody right now. He was halfway to your aunt’s house when they found him filling up his gas tank at a gas station with his credit card. He’s really not brilliant at all.” Blake said. “I would invite you to come down with me to go watch the interview, but I don’t want you to feel pressured to do so.” He said. 

“I don’t want to ever see him again, daddy,” I said, biting my lip. “He isn’t who I thought he was, and I don’t really know if I want to see who he truly is in person. I’d rather just… not.” 

“And that’s okay. By the way, how would you like to spend Thanksgiving week in Belgium?” He asked, and I raised an eyebrow in confusion. 

“Belgium? Why Belgium?” I asked. 

“Burges is a medieval city in Belgium, and it’s really beautiful out there. Their open air markets are open through November, and they have really good hot cocoa.” He said. “I figure, this COVID thing could get worse by the beginning of next year. We should go while we have the chance.” He explained. 

“I guess that sounds good.” I said. “What about Puzzle though? He shouldn’t have to spend thanksgiving alone…” I said softly. 

“I planned on bringing him already.” He said.  

“Alright, then that’s alright. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t stuck by himself.” I said and he laughed. 

“I know princess. Well, I am gonna get going. I will grab tickets to Belgium tonight.” He said. 

“Alright. I have something to tell you when you get home. It’s not bad really. But… I called uncle John to get his side of things.” I said. 

“Oh really? I can’t wait to talk about it. I’ll be quick at the station, then. And, maybe when I get home, you, me, and Puzzle could go out to eat.” He said, and I nodded. “Just remember to bring your masks, they aren’t letting people inside without them.” 

“I will, daddy,” I said and sighed deeply. “I’m gonna try to finish math now, I can’t seem to concentrate,” I told him.

“Just do it in a couple of days, I don’t think I could concentrate either. Email your teacher though and tell them what is going on.” He said, and I nodded before realizing he couldn’t see me and mentally face-palmed myself. 

“I will, daddy. Thanks.” I said. 

“Alright, princess. Well, I love you, I’m gonna hurry now because I’m going to be late but I’ll call you when I’m on my way to get you.” He said. 

“Okay daddy, I love you too!” I said and listened as the line disconnected. I let out a sigh and leaned back against the lounge chair, running my fingers through my hair. I felt really, really tired. Despite having answers and feeling some better, I still felt very angry. I wanted to know why my mom would choose… Emmett? Hell, I don’t even know what to call him anymore. 

He didn’t really deserve the title father, but it just seemed natural to refer to him as dad. He had done so many unforgivable things, and I still was instinctively calling him dad, even though he literally isn’t my dad in any capacity. 

I don’t understand why my mother would choose my dad over John, it didn’t really seem to make a lot of sense. My dad was beating her, and while no charges had ever been filed, the tons of calls to 911 about domestic disturbances showed evidence that at least something was happening. But… didn’t my dad get arrested the last time that 911 was called? John had said that after my dad was carted away, they’d slept together… so my dads DNA would definitely be on the record, right?

If it didn’t come up as a match with the one in the records, why didn’t it? The cop said they didn’t have his DNA on record… but maybe they did, and it just wasn’t a match? If they retest the butts to his DNA and it doesn’t come back positive, does that mean he didn’t do it?

Who’s cigarettes would be behind our house, if it’s not my dads? The officer had said it himself, if he wasn’t guilty, he sure was making himself look guilty. I mean, I’d never seen my dad smoke before. But, he did smell like smoke frequently, so one could easily deduce that he was smoking away from the house to avoid being found out, right? I reached up and started picking at my bottom lip, feeling confusion and doubt begin to swim in my mind. 

What if he didn’t do any of it and he’s just being blamed because of me? What if I’m getting him into trouble and he didn’t even do anything? 

I shook my head and pushed those thoughts from my mind because they wouldn’t help me at all. He may have raised me, but he wasn’t my father. He had done so much to me, even before the break-in, that he didn’t deserve the title. So why the hell is it so hard for me to stop caring? I don’t want to care about him, I know he doesn’t really care about me. I don’t want to become my mother, making excuses for someone who mistreats me. 

I wanted to hate him. In some aspect, I do hate him. I hate his actions, the things he did to me. I hate that when I think of him, all I can think of is a monster. I hate that I flinch every time someone knocks on the door, afraid that it may be him. I hate that… I even put the thought into him to hate him. Why do I even give him any of my time when he wouldn’t and hasn’t done that for me?

Regardless, I couldn’t seem to get myself to the point where I didn’t care and I wasn’t sure if that made me angry or sad. I wanted to be past it, and I tried to be… but while John had answered my questions, it only left me with more brewing in my head. I had his side of things, but I wondered if I’d ever get my mom’s side of things. Should I even care? 

I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel right now, and that made me really uneasy. Usually, I know how I feel, how I should  feel, and right now… I don’t.

67. αffιχαтισи

I feel secure in life, because of the people in my life. I feel secure in my relationship because of the people in my relationship. I’m beginning to understand the importance of the kinds of people in your life.

A S H T O N 

By the time that Blake was back, I was starving to death and just wanted to go eat. My mind hurt and I was really stressed out. I couldn’t quit thinking about everything and how it just wasn’t adding up. The whole situation just had gotten massively out of hand and I had no idea who to even believe anymore because everyone in my life has been lying to me the entire time. I just wanted things to make sense, at least before I didn’t feel a truckload of confusion on top of everything else. 

I was glad though, that my dad had confessed to breaking into our house. He, however, claimed that he was not the one watching us. Blake had said we should move, but move where? How can we hide from someone that we don’t know? We could go to Alaska, and if the person watching us was dedicated enough, they’d go to Alaska too. I felt like a rat in a trap, almost. 

I wanted to run, but run where? I had no idea who to even run from. I glanced around the restaurant, feeling eyes on me, but I couldn’t depict where they were coming from. I reached up and scratched at the back of my head, feeling the hair standing up. 

“Do you feel someone watching you?” I asked quietly, and Blake shook his head no. 

“No, I don’t, what about you Puzzle?” Blake asked. Puzzle shook his head. 

“We’re in a public place, people are always looking at me.” Puzzle said and rolled his eyes. “It’s like they’ve never seen someone with dyed hair.” 

“No, not that kind of watching,” I said, and turned and glanced over my shoulder, seeing nothing. I took a deep breath and released it. “I guess I’m just paranoid because I know that whoever was watching us is still out there.” I laughed hesitantly, grabbing my water and sipping on it. 

“It’s been a long day, maybe we should head back to the hotel. I can call a packing company tomorrow and have our house packed up if you want to move.” Blake said. I shrugged. 

“I mean, I guess that’s alright with me. I don’t really know how I feel about going back there.” I said softly, and stood up. “I just need to run to the washroom, I’ll be right back.” I said, and stood up, walking towards the bathroom. 

I walked into the women’s restroom, and leaned forward, glancing into the mirror. I was really glad that I looked like a girl so that I could use the women’s room. I knew in there I could be alone without one of the guys coming to check on me. 

I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I sucked in a deep breath, feeling light-headed. I was shaking a little bit, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I glanced around the empty bathroom and felt trapped. I didn’t want to walk back out there and feel watched, so I had to choose the lesser of two evils… but I didn’t feel well at all. 

The walls felt like they were moving closer to me, and I coughed a little, feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I took a couple of deep breaths and turned on the water faucet, listening to the calming sound of running water. I leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. I had to calm down before someone got worried. 

After a couple of minutes of deep breathing, I was slightly calmer. I really just wanted to go home, but even there I wouldn’t be safe. Would I? Was I safe anywhere? Were we safe anywhere? I sighed deeply and shook my head, forcing that to the back of my head and going back to the table. Neither of them noticed me coming, and I wasn’t really sure why I did it but I paused. “-I don’t think it’s a good idea, they need away from here but I don’t know-” Puzzle was saying, and I was curious.

“-It seems like the only thing to do though,-” Blake said. 

“-It isn’t safe right now, not to travel.-” Puzzle said. “Sell the house we’re in and get a new one.-” 

“-I’ve already began looking for a new one. I was thinking of getting one with a basement apartment in it.-” Blake said and sighed. “-I need to go to some viewings, but I’d need you guys to go too.-” 

“-No problem, just tell me when.-” Puzzle responded. “-I don’t know what’s taking Ash so long, should we go check-” I immediately started walking, not wanting them to know I’d been listening. 

“Sorry, just needed some air,” I said, sitting down across from them. 

“It’s alright, princess. You didn’t miss much. Puzzle thinks due to COVID it isn’t a good time to travel. What do you think?” He asked.

“To be honest, I don’t know.” I said, looking down at my plate. “I don’t really want to go though.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. Belgium isn’t exactly what I meant when I said out of the country. I wanted to crawl into a hole and throw away the hole until the police found the person stalking us. Not go tour a foreign place.

“Really?” Blake asked, surprise coating his deep voice. “You seemed to want to earlier, though.”

“I thought about it some and realized it just isn’t worth it. I need to focus on school, and we need to move pretty quickly. Let’s just focus on what we have to do right now.” I suggested. “Maybe in a few months this virus will be better and we can go on vacation without masks and stuff.”

“I agree with Ash, honestly.” Puzzle said. “Coronavirus is pretty bad. It’d be reckless to go to another country right now. And… I was thinking about maybe going back to school.” Puzzle said, and Blake cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. “I just… thought maybe if I went back, I could finish.”

“I can enroll you in Ashton’s school maybe by the end of thanksgiving break. I will do whatever I can to help you two. I’ve been looking at a few places, and I wasn’t sure which one both of you’d like as well, so we should go tomorrow to showings of the ones that are happening tomorrow and decide based on those.” Blake said.

“I’m down with that,” I said and Puzzle nodded as well.

“Alright, well, that’s settled then. We’ll purchase one of the houses tomorrow… unless they’re all dumps. Pictures can be very deceiving.” Blake muttered.

“Bet,” Puzzle said and Blake raised his eyebrow again and rolled his eyes.

-   -   -

I was sitting on the bed with my computer in front of me, working on school again. I greatly preferred to sit up at night and do school than try to do it in the morning. Attending the morning classes was great, but I found ease in just watching the recordings in my pajamas, lying in bed next to Blake with my headphones on.

I knew that tomorrow was going to be busy because we were going to look at three houses tomorrow so I figured it’d be better to get a head start on tomorrows work tonight. I already knew a lot of it, so zooming through was easy and at night I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. It was also easier to concentrate with no noise whatsoever. I sighed deeply reading over the list of answers going with my math question and selected the one that made the most sense and clicked check. The next question popped up, and I continued on, until I completed the test.

When I clicked ‘grade my test’ it started calculating and I held my breath. I watched the clock in anticipation, astounded by how long it was taking. It seemed like it was going to load forever.

I released a huge sigh of relief as 8/10 came up on the corner of the worksheet. I smiled, clicking out of math and going to history next. The assignment was pretty simple, and it only took like twenty minutes to do. I was happy about it being easy enough for me to do it so quickly.

I started on science, knowing that I’d probably need a little more time for it. Science wasn’t my best subject, I struggled in it pretty hard and I felt a little ridiculous for it. None of it really seemed that hard in theory, but in execution, I was lacking.

I read through the assignment information and saw that it was something I’d have to do in class during an ‘online lab experiment’ which was a shorter way of saying ‘watching my math teacher pour mentos in a soda bottle and shaking it’. I giggled quietly and bit my lip glancing over to Blake. He was still sleeping peacefully beside me, so I hadn’t disturbed him too much. I smiled and ran my fingers lightly across his forehead, straightening out his hair. I did it so carefully, I wouldn’t wake him up.

I stopped after a moment and sighed, turning back to my computer. I was bored, but not really tired yet. I wanted to do something fun, but I had no idea exactly what would be fun. I didn’t really know what I could do that’d be quiet enough to keep from disturbing Blake. I swapped over to my MTHD account, and signed in, looking over my profile. I had a few friend requests that I accepted immediately. I opened the message box and looked over my contacts. Damien was online.

I clicked on his chat box and sighed a little.

Me [2:15am]: Hey, what are you doing?

I lowered the message box and scrolled through my feed, seeing Damien’s post with some pretty girl I vaguely recognized from school. I clicked the like button and scrolled on past it. I saw some post that one of Blake’s friends had tagged him in, and I glanced over it. I didn’t recognize the guy, or any of the people in the image but Blake. I raised an eyebrow, looking at the name. Lucian. Huh, that’s weird.

I don’t remember him ever mentioning a friend named Lucian. I glanced over the picture looking for Blake, and saw him with his arm wrapped around the guy. I could tell by looking at the picture and Blake’s appearance that he was much younger. He was much thinner, less muscular, and didn’t have a beard or anything. He was looked happy, but something looked off to me.

I glanced over the guy he was holding, and raised an eyebrow. He was thin, black hair, lithe and tall, something I wasn’t. For a moment, I felt jealousy shoot through me but I rolled my eyes and shook the feeling off. It was obviously old, and there was no reason for me to even feel jealous. I glanced over at Blake and smiled again, feeling warmth fill my chest.

He loved me, and I loved him. That was enough. I had never felt more secure in my life, never felt more secure in Blake and I’s relationship. Things felt really good for the first time in a long time. I was still upset about my mom, and dad(s), I wasn’t really sure what to make of that, and I didn’t even want to think about it.

I glanced down and saw a message from Damien. After clicking on the chatbox, I opened it up and read over the message.

Damien [2:15am]: Hey, I tried to visit you yesterday but no one was home. Is everything okay?

I was a little bit confused as to why he’d just dropped by our house without messaging, especially given that he knew about my dad having broken into our house. It seemed weird that he’d have gone by and noticed us not being home and didn’t message immediately. I shrugged it off, and rolled my eyes again.

Me [2:25am]: Yeah, we’re in the process of looking for a new place to live now, we’re staying in a hotel room. Sorry, I must’ve forgotten to tell you. Why did you stop by?

Damien [2:25am]: I was going to hang out with you guys, but no one was there. It’s fine. I ended up going to my girlfriends anyway.

I tapped my fingers on the keyboard, not sure how to respond to him. I hesitated for a moment, and bit my lip.

Me [2:28am]: Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were going to drop by. I’m sorry.

Damien [2:28am]: I just wish you would’ve told me beforehand. I’m tired, and I have school. I actually have to be up in the morning. Goodnight.

I bit my fingernail and sighed a little bit, slamming my laptop shut. I couldn’t help but feel a little depressed about Damien being upset with me, even if I didn’t really understand what the big deal was. He knew we weren’t home because of the break in, I thought. I sighed and rolled my eyes, laying down against the mattress. I took a hit of my vape, feeling myself getting high, and tired. Finally.

I let my eyes slip close, cuddling up to Blake and falling asleep.

68. ℓσ¢αтισи

~ These things we carry around with us are not flaws, nor are they baggage. They are us, pieces of us. Some of them are lighter than others, some prettier… But they all equal up to us.~

A S H T O N 

When I woke up, Blake was leaning over me and kissing my shoulder. I sat up and groaned rubbing my forehead and yawning loudly. Blake smiled at me and rubbed his face. “Sorry princess, I know it’s early but I’ve got three houses for us to look at before noon and two after three pm so we’ve gotta get going.” He said. I nodded, reaching over to the night stand and picking up my phone. It was at twenty percent because I’d apparently forgotten to plug up the phone before going to sleep. I groaned and opened my phone screen to check my messages.

I had a missed call from Damien and a text, but I wasn’t really ready to face a conversation with him after last night. I still hadn’t wrapped my mind around the fact that he was mad at me because I didn’t tell him I wasn’t at home yet.

“Is Puzzle coming too?” I asked, and Blake nodded.

“He’s already up, when I knocked a few minutes ago he was fully dressed and stoned out of his mind. I should probably go check and make sure he’s not back asleep, though.” Blake said and rolled his eyes.

“I can do it when I’m done getting ready, daddy.” I said. “What time do I need to be ready by?”

“Preferably by seven thirty so get a move on. Since you’re going to get Puzzle, I’m gonna go down to the buffet and get breakfast. You guys join me once you get ready.” Blake said and stood up, walking around to me on my side of the bed and picked me up, pulling me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held onto him, sinking into the comforting feeling, leaning up and pressing my lips against his. After a moment or two, he sat me down on my feet and pulled himself away from me, sucking in a deep breath. “Hurry and get ready before I bury myself inside you and we don’t leave this hotel room for a decade or more.” He said and smacked my ass.

I giggled and watched him as he walked out of the hotel room. Just before the door shut, it pushed back open and Blake stuck his head in and smiled at me. “I love you, princess.” He said, and I giggled.

“I love you too daddy,” I said with a smile. He walked out of the hotel room and closed the door. I watched him go and stood up, walking to the drawers and pulling out a pair of skinny jeans and a tee shirt. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun and tied it up.

Once I was done, I grabbed my phone, charger, and vape pen with my THC cart on it and slipped it into my pocket after locking it. I put my phone and the charger into my pocket and walked to the door and went out into the hall. I walked to Puzzle’s room and knocked on the door. I waited for a minute before Puzzle opened his door and looked at me.

“Hey, I’m about ready to go.” He said, and stepped back. “You can come in if you want.” He said. I nodded and stepped forward, walking into the room and looking around. “What time do we have to leave by?” He asked and I shrugged.

“Seven thirty-ish Blake said.” I said, and he sighed.

“I was hoping you’d say nine am. I’m exhausted. I couldn’t sleep at all last night.” Puzzle sighed and sat down on his bed.

“Why?” I asked him, walking closer to him and putting my hand on his shoulder.

“I just found myself trapped in my thoughts.” He sighed deeply. “Sometimes even weed can’t help me sleep.” He said.

“I understand, is there anything I can do?” I asked him, and he smiled softly and shook his head.

“I’m fine, I just need to brush my teeth and we can go.” He said and sighed deeply. He stood up and walked to the bathroom. I walked to the door and leaned against the frame, looking over him. He looked exhausted, and, I had noticed that sometimes he just looks empty. Today was one of those days.

I watched as he brushed his teeth and once he was done I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, leaning my face forward and resting it on his back. “I’ll stay the night tonight so that you can get some rest.” I offered, and he nodded a little and pulled my hand so that I moved in front of him. He picked me up and sat me on the counter, I looked at him a little shocked that he could pick me up. I am small, but I didn’t really think he was strong enough to pick me up. He walked forward and I let him between my legs, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I appreciate that, Ash.” He said, and smiled at me. He leaned down and kissed me, one of his hands reaching up to threat his fingers through my hair. I moaned a little bit at the feeling of his fingers tugging at my hair and I let him control the kiss. He only kissed me for a minute though, before he pulled away and leaned back against the wall, locking eyes with me.

“What is it?” I asked, feeling a little bit concerned.

“I just…” He trailed off. “I just had a really bad night, and I’m really sorry.” He said and sighed deeply, sliding down the wall and burying his face in his hands.

I got off the counter and went and sat beside him on the bathroom floor, lacing our fingers together and holding his hand. “You don’t have anything to apologize for, Puzzle. We all have bad days, I’m certainly not the one to judge you for a bad day.” I said and pulled his hand up to my mouth and kissed it. 

“I’m fine, really.” He said, and smiled, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder what thoughts kept him awake at night, I couldn’t help but really worry about him because all of this is so out of character for him. He was always so lighthearted and happy, seeing him a different way was… odd. 

“I’m gonna spend the night with you tonight and try to help you get some rest.” I said, and he nodded a little and looked up at me. I couldn’t really tell because it was really bad lighting, but I thought there was tears in his eyes.

“Thank you, Ash.” He said, and my heart broke a little for him.

---

Blake had taken us to three house viewings so far and all of them turned out to be… not exactly as advertised. We had gone to a restaurant to kill some time between house viewings but we didn’t really have to stay long because the last two houses were in a different city, and would take around forty five minutes to get to. When we pulled up at the first house, I was already excited just from looking at the outside.

The house itself was modern, with the majority of it consisting of windows. It had a really nice driveway, a front facing balcony that overlooked the front yard and a huge front porch where we could all hang out. A beautiful yard, with that artificial grass stuff, and a beautiful flower garden in the front by the porch. The garage was a two car garage. The house was beautiful by itself, and the surrounding scenery made the whole thing even more beautiful.

The house was surrounded by a thick blanket of trees, which were all arrays of colors due to seasons changing. I knew soon the forest would be a mass of dead leaves and snow soon, which would bring it’s own beauty. I could hear birds chirping all around us, could hear the sound of rushing water in the distance, and could smell the freshness of nature. The air felt, somehow, clearer here.

“Do you guys like it?” Blake asked, putting on his mask and opening the door of the car.

“I do.” I piped up immediately, putting my mask on and getting out of the car, walking up to the lawn. I wanted to lay down on the grass and just stare up at the sky for hours on end. I had always loved the feeling of artificial grass, and I wasn’t really sure why but I stopped questioning it after a while.

“It looks really nice from out here,” Puzzle said as he got out of the car and shut the door behind him. I looked over Blake and Puzzle from the other side of the car and smiled a little bit. Out here, no one would bother us. We could be together without neighbors noticing something, without hateful bigots knocking on our door, and best of all, we were literally forty five minutes from our old house in the middle of the forest. Far enough away, our stalker couldn’t easily follow.

Blake walked up and met the real estate agent at the door, Puzzle and I trailing behind him. She was talking about the time the house was built, different things pertaining to the land and recent upgrades made to the house as she opened the door and led us into the living room. I was immediately amazed at how bright and open the entire room was.

There wasn’t any walls in the living space, it was one giant open room with a counter separating the kitchen from the living room. The carpet was brand new, or in pristine condition, one. Bright white. The carpet ended at the counter, where three stools were placed that matched the wood of the counter. The floor in the kitchen and into the dining room area was dark mahogany, so shiny I was sure they’d used a pint of lysol on it before we came here.

“The office is through there, there’s a family room down those stairs and a little bit farther down is the basement apartment, fully renovated. It has brand new carpet, allergy friendly.” The real estate lady said, motioning for Blake to walk into the office. I watched as they walked in, and started looking around myself. I walked down the stairs into the family room and looked around. The stairs were carpeted, as was the family room. I could imagine the furniture in our den in the room, and it was nice and cozy. I glanced back to see Puzzle coming down the stairs behind me.

“My rooms gonna be a fucking lit,” Puzzle said, looking around. “It’ll also be very private.” He said with a smirk. I blushed and giggled quietly.

I motioned towards the door to Puzzle’s room and he opened it, starting down the stairs. This flight was significantly longer than the last, but when we got to the bottom of the stairs and looked around, I could see why.

The basement apartment was pretty big in height. It had a loft area, and a kitchenette in it, and a giant window that took up the entire wall. Apparently, this house was on the edge of a mountain, and Puzzle had the most beautiful overlook I’d ever seen. It was looking over the edge of the mountain, onto a little river and a beautiful forest that starts up on the ground on the other side. I was in love. I could hear the water from the river right in his bedroom. It was immensely calming. I looked over and saw two doors. I walked over to the first one and walked into it.

It was the bathroom, a giant white and grey tiled bathroom, with a glass sliding door on the shower, a huge mirror and a his and hers sink. There was a shelf behind me on the wall for towels, and a hanging bar inside the shower for a towel, and a hand towel bar beside the sink. I walked back out into the main room and into the closet and glanced around. It was a rather large closet, with tones of shelves and places to hang clothes.

I walked back out into the main room and looked up at the loft, going over to the stairs and walking up them. Puzzle trailed behind me. The loft was high enough to actually stand up on, which was surprising. Usually they aren’t so tall, but this one was tall enough for me to stand up under. Puzzle was bent a little bit, but it definitely wasn’t bad. “I really like this, it’s really cozy.” He said.

“I like it too.” I said, smiling back at him and heading towards the stairs. I walked down onto the floor and went back up into the family room and then the living room again. Blake was coming down the stairs leading into the living room as I came up.

“Does Puzzle like his room?” Blake asked. I nodded and smiled a little.

“Yeah, it’s got a loft in it. Pretty cool, honestly.”  I said, and shrugged. The real estate agent was still upstairs so I leaned over close to Blake. “Something is up with Puzzle he said he didn’t sleep last night, and he seems really sad today.” I said softly, glancing towards the door,

“Puzzle has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A symptom of that is depression.” Blake said quietly. “He gets sad sometimes. A lot.”

“Is there anything I can do to help him?” I asked.

“Be there for him, the same way you are for me. Understand that sometimes he is going to need you to put more effort in. A relationship is give and take, when one needs help the other helps.” Blake said and put his hand on my lower back.

“Okay daddy.” I said and looked around. “Do you like this place?” I asked and he nodded.

“It’s actually very beautiful. I wasn’t aware that it was built into the side of a mountain, but it is pretty cool. The river is a nice touch, too. I feel like this would be a really good place to call home.” Blake said while smiling.

“I really like this part of it. I didn’t look upstairs, I didn’t know I could.” I said sheepishly.

“Yeah lets go up and look around. I really like it. I think you will too.” Blake said, and motioned for me to go up the stairs.

I let him lead me through the rooms, looking over each one with a sense of excitement. I couldn’t wait to buy the house and get our stuff moved in. It was going to be a lot of fun, and I was really excited to get started. I was excited for there to be a fresh start. A new beginning. A second chance for a way better life than we had currently.

Needless to say, Blake didn’t really want to go look at the last place, he bought the house on the spot.

69. α¢¢ℓιмιѕαтισи

~ I finally had hope for brighter days, for a future with someone who cares as much about me as I care about them. I finally was able to say that, for once in my life, I actually belonged somewhere.~

P U Z Z L E

I was dead by the time that Ashton and I got back to the hotel room. We’d be moving to the new house in the morning so it was immensely important that we got some sleep tonight, but I was already dreading it and it wasn’t even fully dark yet. I poured myself onto the bed and buried my face in it, feeling immensely sober. My mind was racing, every single thing that entered my head seemed to get stuck inside it, bouncing around like a ping pong ball.

I felt so on edge, so drained, and ready to just cry for hours on end. Sometimes, it feels like the world is collapsing around me. I feel like me, but not at the same time. I feel almost like a shadow, walking around without purpose.

I had been sober all day, I ran out of weed and I hadn’t told anyone because I knew that now wasn’t a good time. I needed to stay here to watch after Ashton, this whole situation put them in danger and I wasn’t okay with leaving them right now. I wanted to protect them from whoever was watching us all. I sighed deeply and glanced over at Ashton, who was brushing their hair in the bathroom mirror.

Once Ash was done brushing their hair, Ash walked over to me and sat down beside me and scooted back onto the bed. “Puzzle are you okay?” Ash’s sweet voice asked, and put their hand on my back. I turned my head and looked at Ash and smiled a little bit.

“I’m okay, just really tired today.” I said and rolled over and sat up and shook my head. “I’m good.” I said.

“Really? Listen, Puzzle, I want to help you and be there for you. You can talk to me.” Ash said, and I nodded my head.

“I know I can.” I said, and Ash bit their lip and sighed deeply. It wasn’t a lie, I knew that I could talk to Ashton. I just was embarrassed. I was use to dealing with everything on my own because I never had people who would listen to me and actually try to help.

“But?” Ash prompted, and I sighed deeply and leaned forward onto the palms of my hands.

“I’m used to dealing with this stuff on my own. No ones ever really noticed anything was wrong but Blake,” I said and leaned back on the bed.

“I was use to dealing with stuff on my own when I first got with Blake.” Ash said, turning around to face me and putting their legs up to their chest and wrapping their arms around the back of them. “I know that it can be difficult to adjust to talking to people about things that bother you. But, once you start talking it does get easier.”

I looked over Ashton and sighed deeply grabbing their hand and pulling them down so they were laying beside me looking into my eyes. I loved Ashton’s eyes, they were so comforting and warm. I never doubted that they cared when I looked into their eyes. I paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and shut my eyes. I know that Ash is right.

“I just ran out of weed last night.” I admitted quietly. “Weed is my medication, it’s not just something I do because it’s fun. When I don’t smoke it, my mental health conditions really take their toll on me.” I felt kind of pathetic saying it out loud. I knew that, quite literally, weed was prescribed to me to help me with multiple things.

I have ADHD which makes me incredible high energy and unable to focus. I have CPTSD which makes me very depressed, anxious, and I have nightmares. I also have Scoliosis, which causes me a fair bit of back pain. I have OCD, which makes things really stressful. The only time my mind is quiet is when I’m high. I tried all kinds of medications to help with my ADHD, and medications to treat the symptoms of CPTSD and none of them really worked. I never found a medication mixture that actually worked for me. That’s why my Psychologist had prescribed me weed.

I shouldn’t be embarrassed of it, it’s not like I hadn’t genuinely tried to go the ‘normal’ way. I hadn’t been completely sold on the whole alternative medication route at all, but my doctor suggested I research it and see if I’d rather keep taking the medications I was on, which left me feeling like a shadow. I couldn’t eat, sleep, I was so angry about everything all the time. I was suicidal, self harming and just overall suffering immensely for no reason. He convinced me to try it, and after a month, I was doing a lot better. Less bad side effects, better results and honestly, a whole lot happier. I was eating like a normal person, I was sleeping through my nightmares which arguably is better than waking up every hour and a half, and I no longer wanted to die. My OCD was still present, and it affected me a lot but in different ways now.

Before, I could barely get myself a drink, because I’d take a can out and put it back and repeat the process with four cans before I could finally have one. I’d open and close the door of the fridge four times. Every time. Flip the light switch four times. I would turn doorknobs four times… now, I can control it to some extent. Not necessarily all the time, some days are better than others, but I was a lot better now than I was.

“Puzzle, why didn’t you tell me? I still have bud and carts, I can totally get you one tomorrow.” Ashton said.

“I didn’t want to be a burden, you know?” I said, and Ash rolled their eyes and put their hand on my cheek. I could feel my heart beat a little faster in my chest.

“You are not a burden to me, Puzzle. Ever. If you ever run out again please come to me because I smoke just because it’s fun, and I can do without it. I don’t want you to be in pain.” Ash said.

I blinked my eyes rapidly to keep from letting tears show up in my eyes. I had never had anyone not look at me like a burden. I had always had to be everyone else’s support, while every attempt for help was blown off by the same people. I didn’t really know how to respond, because I wanted to tell them how much it meant to me that they even cared, but I also didn’t know how to.

“I will, Ash. I promise.” I said, finally.

“Here, take my pen and use it.” Ash said. “We can share tonight and I’ll give you one of my carts when we get up to move.”

“We should go get more soon.” I said, and Ash nodded.

“I agree, it was a lot of fun and you need more. It’ll be worth the trip. I’ll keep you supplied until we can go again, though. I’m not letting you suffer.” Ash said and leaned over and kissed me softly. I kissed them back for a moment and then pulled away. I grabbed Ash’s pen and hit it. I took a long hit on it, sucking it in and holding it in my lungs. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… I released the breath and started coughing.

I had taken a really long hit, probably shouldn’t have. Vapes can get hot fast, and Ash’s was turned all the way up. It’s no wonder Ash coughs like a two pack a day smoker whenever they smoke on it.

“I will try not to smoke that much so that you don’t run out too.” I said and reached over and grabbed the television remote and turned on the television, turning on Rick and Morty. I took another long hit and held it again. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… I exhaled.

I was so relieved to feel the familiar haze begin to creep up on me, I wasn’t even annoyed by having to count out the seconds.

I couldn’t express to Ash vocally how grateful I was for them. I pulled Ashton over to me and pulled them into my lap, putting my hand on their hips. Ashton smiled. It was a beautiful smile that made me smile back. I put my hand on their cheek and leaned up a little bit and kissed them, teasing their lip with my tongue. Ash didn’t hesitate to open their mouth and let my tongue into their mouth.

Ash moaned into my mouth letting me guide their lips in a dance. I took my time exploring the inside of their mouth. I loved the way Ash tasted. I was getting hard in my pants and shifted a bit, trying to adjust myself without bothering Ash too much but they let out a whimper and ground their hips down against me. I groaned and gripped their hips, moving them in time with my own. I couldn’t help but bite their lip.

Ash moaned loudly in response and pushed me back on the bed, leaning over me. I couldn’t stop myself from putting my hands just under the hem of their shirt, feeling the soft, smooth expanse of Ash’s abdomen. Ash giggled a little bit and pulled the t-shift over their head, leaning back down on top of me and kissing me again.

The change in position had my dick rubbing against Ash’s ass, and I could feel their erection rubbing against me. I leaned up a little and pulled my shirt off, watching as Ashton began kissing down my chest. I groaned as I watched their lips caressed my skin.

I couldn’t help myself from grabbing them, hooking my leg around theirs and flipping us over so that I was on top. Ash blushed brightly and looked up at me, those green eyes wide and slightly red from the weed they’d smoked. I leaned down and started kissing them again, my hands going down to play with the button of their jeans. Ash moaned and pushed up into my hand. I smiled a little and unbuttoned the jeans, reaching in and gripping Ash’s dick in my hand.

Ash whimpered and started working on the button of my pants too. I pulled away from Ash for a nanosecond and took off my pants, watching as Ash did the same thing. Once we were both naked, I got back on top of Ash, between their legs. Ash giggled a little bit and reached up and pulled me down on top of them completely. I immediately lifted myself a little and Ash wrapped their arms around me tight enough to pull me back. “I’m going to squish you,” I teased a little, kissing down Ash’s neck.

Ash shook their head and looked up at me. “Maybe I like being squished?” Ash said quietly, panting a little bit as I reached up and started playing with their nipple. I was use to Ash wearing the breast forms, and he hadn’t worn them today, so I was going to take advantage. Ash moaned as I pinched it a little bit and rolled it between my fingertips.

Ash smirked a little and flipped us back over so that I was on my back and Ash was on top of me, straddling my waist. I could feel my dick between his ass cheeks and I was dying to bury myself inside of him. Ash paused for a moment and looked down at me. “Do you want a condom?” Ash asked, and I raised an eyebrow.

“I mean is that rhetorical?” I asked.

“I am fully prepared to impale myself right the hell now–” Ash said and leaned down. “I don’t wanna be teased.” The whiny way they said it was adorable, and I couldn’t help but push my hips up a little bit.

“There’s a condom in the side table, unless they only provide one.” I said, and reached over, opening the drawer and feeling around. I felt something that felt like a condom and pulled it out, looking at it to see it was a packet of lube. I guess there was not a condom in the drawer, and I hadn’t really planned this out so I hadn’t bought any. I sighed a little bit. “Sorry, I guess there was only one.” I said.

“If you’re clean then I don’t really care,” Ash said. “You’re the only person I’ve ever used them with.”

“If you want to do it without them we can, I am clean.” I said, and Ashton nodded and reached for the packet of lube, and getting down between my legs and pulling my dick into their mouth. I moaned and put my hand on the back of Ash’s head, holding them still for a moment while I fought off my attacking orgasm.

It didn’t take but a minute for the feeling to vanish, and I moved my hand so that Ash could move again. Ash was really, really good with their tongue and embarrassingly enough, it was hard for me to hold it. But I was holding it with all the strength I could muster because I was really excited about not using a condom. Usually I never would’ve even considered it, but Ash is only with Blake and I, so as long as both of us are clean it’s fine. And I know we both are, I came across Blake’s last STD check when I was looking around to see if anything was missing after the breakup.

It being Ashton also helped quell my anxiety about it.

Ashton stopped sucking me off, looking up at me with desperate green eyes and blushing cheeks. “I’m ready. Are you ready?” Ashton asked, and I nodded my head. Ashton laid down beside me, and I got back on top of them. Ashton spread their legs and let me between them easily, pulling me down so that we were looking into each others eyes. I couldn’t help but smile a little bit.

“You sure?” I asked Ash again, just for reassurance that this was actually something they wanted. Ash nodded, looking up at me with lust and desire swimming in their eyes.

“Please,” Ash whimpered, and that was all it really took for me to start pushing in.

“Fuck.” I groaned when I sank into them. Without the condom, I could feel how tight and warm they were. I could feel every single inch of me buried inside of them, and for a moment it was overwhelmingly good. I had to stay still for a moment to keep my orgasm at bay. I didn’t want it to end yet. Not yet.

Ash started squirming a little, and I gasped feeling them tighten around me. “Ho-Holy fucking hell Ash be still.” I panted out, gripping their hips and forcing them to be still for a second. I took two deep breaths, calming myself and then I started moving.

I was moving their hips in time with mine, amazed at how much more I could feel. I could feel everything. Fuck. Fuck.

I started picturing the grossest possible things imaginable, trying to stave off the orgasm. I knew it’d only prolong the inevitable, but I could always go down on Ash when we were done and make them cum that way. I just wanted this to last as long as I physically could.

I felt so connected with Ash. Every single move in and out of them was bringing me closer and closer to my own orgasm. Ash suddenly wrapped their legs around my waist and pulled us tighter together. It sent shockwaves of euphoria through me and I paused for a moment, pushing down into them as I could. Ash was wiggling their hips and locking us together. Ash moaned loudly and their nails dug into my shoulders where they were clutching me as they wiggled against me.

Ash was red faced, panting and sweat was matting their hair to their forehead and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever seen a more beautiful sight in my life.

I started thrusting harder and deeper, determined to get Ashton off too. I reached between us while I was thrusting and wrapped my hand around their erection, jerking them off in sync with my thrusts. I moved my hips a little to change the angle I was going in at, and it must’ve been a really good decision because Ashton let out a squeak and clung onto me tighter.

I wrote that angle to memory and focused all my attention Ashton. I was still clinging onto my last string, right on the verge of losing control and I wanted nothing more than for us to orgasm together. I put as much force behind the thrusts as I could without hurting them, going as deep as I could. With every movement of me inside of them, Ashton was moaning and begging me not to stop. I definitely was not about to.

I picked up the pace a little bit on my thrusts, and Ashton reacted brazenly, digging their nails into my shoulders and begging me. “Please, can I cum?” Ash asked, and I nodded immediately.

“Cum for me, Ash,” I said, staring down into their eyes. Ashton was moaning quietly when I said it, and their eyes popped open and those heat flushed cheeks somehow managed to go a little darker. “Oh, do you like that, Ashton?” I asked teasingly. I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead, but I was so aroused that it didn’t even faze me. I was beyond ready to cum. Ashton whimpered and nodded their head.

I smirked a little. The more you know. “Cum for me Ash, I want you to cum for me while I’m fucking you.” I said, and Ash moaned a little bit louder and shook their head.

“I wanna cum for you,” He said in a soft, somehow sensual voice and I had to pause for a moment. Holy fuck.

I had never had this hard of a time holding back from cumming. Ever. I was on different depression medications and a lot of them caused it to be hard to get hard, and then when I was hard, I had a really hard time actually cumming.

I kept fucking them, despite me quickly barreling towards complete destruction. I was not disappointed either because just as I couldn’t hold it anymore, I felt Ashton spasming around me as he came, a beautifully fucked look coming over their face. I couldn’t hold it a second longer, and started trying to pull out so that I could cum but Ash wrapped their legs around me and was holding me as deep as they could. When I finally let go and came, it felt like my entire world was on fire.

I was shaking, the feeling of Ash around me was only making me cum harder. I was completely awash in pleasure and unable to do anything other than let out a quiet “Fuck,” As I came, burying my face in their neck. I could feel Ashton’s tight hole around me, and it was almost as if they were pulling the cum out of me.

I fell limp on top of them, carefully avoiding squishing them. Ashton giggled a little bit and looked up at me and met my eyes. I could feel my dick softening inside of them, it tickled just a little but I could ignore it because I was comfortable enough that I didn’t care.

I wasn’t entirely sure how long we stayed like that, connected, silently enjoying just listening to the sound of the other breathing. After a little while though, we both felt sticky and gross and decided to take a quick shower. We were in and out in ten minutes. We didn’t have a lot of time left to sleep, but I didn’t regret it a bit.

Once we were out and dressed, Ashton, wearing one of my favorite tee shirts crawled under the covers and patted the bed beside them. Ashton rolled over onto their side and pulled the blanket up around them. I hit the light switch, going over and crawling in bed beside them and getting behind them, covering up before I wrapped my arm around Ashton.

Rick and Morty was still auto-playing as we both fell asleep.

70. ємσтισи

~ The strange thing about love is that it changes your priorities from you, and only you, to what is best for the people you love.~

A S H T O N

I woke up to Blake knocking on the door and I sat up, pulling one of my legs up and resting my face on my knee. I was exhausted but so ready to move. I stood up and walked over to the door and opened it, smiling tiredly at Blake. He smiled back at me. “Good morning, princess. Is Puzzle up, yet?” He asked, and I shook my head and yawned, opening the door so that he could see Puzzle, face practically buried in the pillow as he snored quietly. 

Blake smiled and rolled his eyes. “I will go get the car packed up with our stuff. Puzzle and you can bring his stuff down. I don’t think he brought much, so it shouldn’t be too hard. If he brought more than I realized, text me and I’ll come help.” Blake said. I stepped out into the hall and kissed Blake, wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him for a minute. He pulled back and smiled down at me. 

“Thank you so much.” I said, and lowered my eyes. “I know you’ve done a lot for me, and I know that you love me. I feel that you love me, and that means more to me than anything. I love you, so much and I am so sorry that I’ve been such a huge pain in the ass.” 

“I love you too, Princess. There’s no need to apologize. I wouldn’t have you any other way.” He smirked a little. “I can punish you now.” It was teasing, and it made me blush brightly and bite my lip. I couldn’t stop the smile from coming onto my face, despite me wanting to look innocent. 

“Is that a threat or a promise?” I said, putting my arms around his neck. 

“It’s both, princess.” He said and smiled. “So, be on your best behavior. I may not have a playroom set up right now, but the only thing I need to punish you is my hand and a shut door. Understand?” Though the words were meant to make me behave, they really only made me want to misbehave, but I knew that today was not the day to be trying Blake’s patience. Todays gonna be hard enough as is. 

“I’ll behave… today. Can’t promise about tonight though.” I teased. 

“I think I can handle that,” Blake said and winked at me. I giggled a bit and my cheeks flushed. “Now, get that cute butt moving and lets get this move over with.” I nodded my head obediently and Blake kissed me softly, before turning and going to load the car. I sighed deeply and turned around, going back into the room and shutting the door. 

I walked over to the bed and sat down beside Puzzle, playing with his hair a little. “Puzzle, we gotta start packing the car.” I said softly, my hand slipping down to his back to rub it. He started smiling a little and turned his head. 

“If you scratch me, I’m gonna need a shower.” He groaned, rolling over and grabbing my waist, pulling me down into the bed beside him. “Les take a nap.” He mumbled tiredly, burying his face in my neck and holding me. I laughed a little bit. 

“In order to take a nap, you first have to get out of bed!” I said teasingly and started playing with his hair a little bit. He groaned, stood up out of the bed, walked over to the window and then back, then laid back down. 

“Nap time.” He said, and I laughed a little bit and rolled my eyes. 

“That’s not exactly what I meant,” I said, and he sighed deeply and opened his eyes, looking up at me through tired eyes. I felt terrible disturbing him because I knew there was no way he was rested enough to be up, but I knew I had to because we needed to move. I knew that he’d be so exhausted tonight. 

“I didn’t think so, but it was worth a shot.” He said and rolled over and groaned.

“I think it would’ve worked any other day, but we gotta move,” I said, and he sighed and nodded, standing up. I couldn’t help but check him out as he walked around the room getting dressed. He looked really sexy without a shirt on, and I bit my lip and blushed, getting up and focusing on getting myself dressed instead of his body. 

I blushed brightly and looked over at myself in the mirror once I had on a pair of basketball shorts and a tee shirt. I knew that I would have to be active all day. I knew I had to help move so that we’d get done faster and could just relax for a bit. 

I was ready for this to be over with. I wanted to settle into our new home and start our new life. 

-   -   -

The ride to the house and the movers moving stuff into the house was the easiest part. Getting the house set up was the relentless part. I was exhausted, and we’d only gotten the living room and kitchen done. This house is a lot bigger than our old house, a lot nicer and brighter. I knew that setting up the playroom would be the best part of it because Blake was going to let me help him set it up. I was most excited about setting it up. I reached up to my neck where my collar wrapped around my neck and ran my finger over it. 

I never took it off, I’d never take it off. I didn’t want it anywhere but around my neck. I didn’t care what anyone thought about it anymore, I barely noticed it was there most times. But I always knew it was there, like a talisman, reminding me that I belonged to Blake. I didn’t have to ever think about it, wearing it had just become normal. I loved it, I needed it there. I hadn’t been fully trained yet, but I was fully committed to becoming Blake’s submissive. 

I was happy for the first time in my life. It felt like the past was behind me, and I could finally breathe. The whole process was completely freeing. Being away from the street I grew up on erased all traces of fear from me. I finally felt safe. I felt like I could be myself completely here, with no problems. I loved the seclusion of living in the woods, loved the freshness of the air and the silence. 

The serenity of the area around the house was calming, it put my troubled mind to ease easily enough. Blake, Puzzle, and I were sitting outside on the back porch, looking out over the darkness of the woods. Puzzle was pressed up against one side of me and Blake had his arm wrapped around my shoulders. I felt so protected in between them. 

I leaned my head over and rested it against Blake’s shoulder, feeling exhausted. Puzzle and I were smoking, Blake was accompanying us, and everything felt amazing. I wasn’t sure exactly how long we’d been on the porch, just taking in the cool night air. I had lost track of time and I wasn’t even worried about it. I didn’t care how long we sat there, it could be all night and I wouldn’t care. I loved every moment of spending time with both of them. They made me feel so happy. 

They were the best things that ever happened to me, and I didn’t know how I’d gotten so lucky. I couldn’t imagine where I’d be right now if I hadn’t met Blake and then Puzzle. If I hadn’t met Blake, my life probably would’ve continued on at home, I would have been pretending to be something I wasn’t just to keep from losing everything. If I hadn’t met and gotten to know Puzzle, I never would’ve been able to get off of pills. At least, not as easily as I had. He’d helped me through the whole thing and had my back. If I was just with either of them, I’d be lucky… but I was with both of them, and that made me feel even luckier. 

I glanced up at Blake and smiled, he smiled back at me and kissed my head. I giggled softly and looked down. He looked so incredibly handsome in the off-white light from the porch light. I couldn’t imagine what a man who looked so good  would want with me. But, I couldn’t lie and say I wasn’t happy about it. A hand reached over and grabbed mine, causing me to look up. I saw Puzzle, quietly lacing our fingers together. He smiled when he saw me looking. 

“I feel like I’ve been run over by a garbage truck.” Blake groaned, leaning back a little. Puzzle laughed a little. 

“I’m not gonna lie, I feel similarly.” Puzzle admitted, sighing. “Moving is hard, man.”

“Yeah, it is exhausting,” I said softly, looking up at the sky. The stars overhead twinkling brightly in the black abyss of the sky. I could see the moon peeking through the trees, could hear crickets playing a little song in the woods. It’s so beautiful out here. I love this place, more than anywhere I’ve ever lived. 

“Are you going to invite Damien over anytime soon?” Blake asked, and I felt my stomach twist a little. I gulped and shook my head. I couldn’t really explain the feeling I had, it was just… like I shouldn’t tell him. Something about the fact that he’d tried to just stop by unannounced, and then got mad because I hadn’t been there was just unsettling. I hadn’t really mentioned what happened to them, but I didn’t really want to. 

“I don’t know right now, I’m just too tired to think about having company,” I said, leaving it at that. For the moment, it’d work. I’d tell them soon, once we had the house set up and didn’t have anything to do. 

“That’s understandable,” Blake said and sighed deeply. “We should all probably lay down and get some rest, tomorrow is going to be hell and a half, we need this house together as soon as possible so that you can get back to school,” Blake said, and then looked at Puzzle. “And so I can enroll you in school.” 

“You’re really going to?” Puzzle asked him. 

“If that’s what you want, then yeah, I will. I can send you guys out to get supplies and stuff in a few days.” Blake said, and Puzzle nodded. Blake paused for a moment and then smiled a little. “I have something that I think needs to be said so that we can all relax a little,” Blake said, and I nodded, looking at him nervously. Puzzle looked just as nervous as I did. “I feel like you both need to hear it, don’t worry it isn’t bad.” 

“What is it, Blake?” Puzzle asked, not rudely, but in a more urgent way. Impatience was Puzzle’s weakness. I smiled a little to myself. 

“I am not jealous of you. I hold no ill will over Ashton having feelings for you.” Blake said, “I can tell you are both uncomfortable acting like a couple in front of me, but it’s completely unnecessary. I appreciate the concern for my feelings or what have you, but I am an adult. I made this decision completely willingly.” Blake said looking into Puzzle’s eyes. “I knew what I was getting myself into when I suggested this. I am not bothered by Ashton spending some nights with you. The thought of you two kissing, having sex or whatever, I’m not affected by. I am okay with this.” Blake said sincerely, then: “Ashton,” He turned his eyes to me this time, “I am not disappointed in this, sweetheart, I understand. I love both of you, in completely different ways of course, but I still want to see both of you happy.” 

“I want you to be happy, too.” I piped up, biting my lip.

“Believe it or don’t, but I am happy,” Blake said. “I have always felt suffocated by relationships, I never really particularly liked being in one, despite wanting one. I like having my own time, I like being alone. I like to do things by myself sometimes,” He admitted, looking a little relieved to have finally said it. “Don’t take that the wrong way, Ashton, please. I love you with all of my heart, and I do want to stay with you forever. It wasn’t you suffocating me, I love spending time with you, whenever you want to. But, I like the way things are now. I like the freedom of being able to go off alone without feeling like an inconsiderate ass.” Blake said. 

“I understand,” I said softly, putting my hand on his leg comfortingly. “I don’t completely understand, because I don’t feel suffocated by relationships, but I understand what you’re saying,” I explained, carefully. 

“I’m glad that you understand, Ashton, I just want the awkwardness to be gone. I can tell that it’s uncomfortable for you two, and it’s needless. Don’t worry so much, if I wasn’t okay with this, I wouldn’t have suggested it.” Blake informed us, and we both nodded. “Now I’m going to bed. I’m tired, sore, and want to wake up not feeling like a zombie. You guys can stay up, just come inside.” Blake said, opening the door and motioning us to come inside the house. We walked inside and listened as he shut and locked the door behind us. 

“Goodnight,” Blake said, walking off up the stairs. 

“Goodnight,” We both called at the same time, then looked at each other. 

“Are you going to bed?” I asked Puzzle, who nodded. He looked about dead, honestly. His normally lively eyes were drained, he looked defeated almost. “Do you want me to come with you?” I asked him. He bit his lip and glanced over his shoulder. I could see him contemplating. 

“Do you mind?” He asked, looking a little embarrassed. 

“Not at all, you need to sleep. If I can help, I will.” I said, and wrapped my arms around his waist, giving him a hesitant kiss. He smiled a little, kissing me back a little, before pulling away. 

“Thank you.” He murmured, looking down into my eyes. The depth of sadness in those normally happy eyes shocked me, it took all the strength in my body not to cry from the severity of it. I thought I was miserable , I thought, reaching up with one hand and putting my hand on his cheek. 

“For what?” I asked softly, not wanting to pry, but I was curious what I’d done. 

“For being you,” He smiled a little, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. I couldn’t help the worried feeling balling up in my chest. I pulled him against me in a really tight hug. It surprised him, but he wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my neck. He was being still, aside from shaking a little, I worried momentarily that he was in pain. The feeling of wetness seeping into my tee-shirt surprised me. He’s crying.  

I felt the urge to cry too, but I steeled myself, focused on helping him get through it. “It’s okay, Puzzle,” I whispered softly, rubbing his back a little bit as I held him close to me. He stopped holding back his sobs, and it broke my heart. I held him despite my urge to cry with him, trying my best to comfort him. I’d never done it before, but I would do anything for Blake and him. I would do anything I could to make them happy, no matter what.

I wasn’t sure how long I stood there holding him, I didn’t even care. Tired as I was, he was more important right now.

71. мι¢яσ∂ιѕѕє¢тισи

~ You are a garden, be cautious of those you allow inside your life. They can water your garden, or they can drown it.~

A S H T O N 

It didn’t take but a week to get everything, playroom included, finished. Once it was done we all sat down and sighed in relief. We rested for twenty-four hours straight, even Blake smoked with us. We were all so exhausted that we binged watched a series on Netflix and just hung out all day being lazy. It was Monday before the cable company could come and hook up our service and internet, so we had to use the hotspot on Blake’s phone. It was really slow and buffered a lot, but it was a lot of fun.

Monday afternoon it was time for me to get back to school. I’d missed a bunch of it, and was pretty far behind. Despite that, I found myself flipping through the BDSM workbook Blake had made me. I was enthused as I read, tuning out the teacher and focusing on the words in front of me. 

I was so focused on my book that I didn’t hear the front door close, or Puzzle and Blake walking into the dining room where I was perched with my book in my hand. Blake walked around and took the book out of my hand with a little smirk on his lips, meeting my eyes. Puzzle, seemingly oblivious, walked down the stairs to his room with a few shopping bags. “Hey daddy,” I mumbled shyly. 

“Hi princess, how’s school going?” He asked teasingly. “Good I suppose, since I caught you flipping through the handbook I gave you, paying no mind to your classes.” 

“I’m really far behind,” I admitted, “I don’t even know how I got so far behind because I’ve been doing my coursework, it all just hit at once.”

“I figured this would happen, having a week off school doesn’t help anyone,” Blake said and sighed deeply. “Well, reading this in class isn’t going to get you caught up any faster. Focus on your schoolwork, princess. Or, I’ll have to turn you over my knee.” 

As the words left his mouth my cheeks blazed red, and I nodded, muted. I wanted to tell him I wanted  that, but I also didn’t want to fail out of school my senior year. The school had been understanding enough about my hydrocephalus, but I didn’t want to push it. That was a medical emergency, this is just me being lazy. I bit my lip and glanced at my weed, then to Puzzle’s door. I knew that he’d need some later, so I had been barely smoking. We needed to go get him some more really soon, but until then, I have to be cautious. 

I hadn’t found my stash yet, it was mixed in with the stuff from the hotel. I know  it’s here, I just have to find it. I bit my lip and took a hit of the weed, turning my head and focusing on my school as best as I could. 

Math was a blur, but I managed to get all of my assignments turned in. I just hope to holy fuck that none of that is on the end-of-course exam. I’ll literally melt into a puddle of acid. Science was pretty easy, I watched recordings of my missed classes, taking some time in the interim to stare out the window. When I finished my recordings for science, I got up and made a sandwich, grabbed my computer, and went out onto the back porch, sitting down and opening up the exams that went with the records. 

I sighed deeply and glanced around, feeling comforted by the silence surrounding me. I could hear the sound of the river rushing away, the sound of birds singing excitedly. In the distance, I could hear the sound of squirrels rustling the leaves and the quiet squawking of ducks. I felt a chill move down my spine as the familiar feeling of being watched began to take me over, but I breathed deeply again. 

No one knows you’ve moved, stupid , I chided myself, turning my head and focusing on my exam. It was pretty simple, especially after watching three recordings explaining it to me repeatedly. The monotonous of the teachers voice really helped me concentrate. Not.  If I didn’t take extensive notes in my classes, it was the same as if I didn’t even attend class at all. I hated that part of being in online school, I just never feel like I’ve truly learned anything. But, it was a lot easier than a regular brick-and-morter school. I enjoyed the freedom. 

I sighed and bit my thumb nail anxiously, glancing around the treeline. I could feel the hair on my neck standing up, I knew that no one was there, but I kept trying to see if someone was. I took a bite of my sandwich, looking back at the line of the trees. Nothing. 

I was in the middle of typing out some answer that sounded artificially scientific (Read, I used big words and scientific terms) when a message box popped up on my screen. Damien. I hadn’t heard from him in a week, and I was beginning to appreciate the silence. I was still mildly uncomfortable because he’d been really mad at me the last time we’d talked, and I hadn’t even done anything to him. I just wasn’t at home. 

My suspicions had been triggered with him, I couldn’t help it. I had just started to really like him, but he was acting really… off. He was dropping by for a visit, which fine, I guess… but he got mad because I wasn’t home for a visit we didn’t plan. That’s not really my fault. I thought he knew that we were still in the hotel, and regardless, should I have to tell him everything I’m doing? He also seemed weirdly uncomfortable around Puzzle, now. He didn’t really mention anything, but Damien was easy enough to read that I didn’t need him to vocalize. He just came across as more distant when he was around. 

I tried to put the pieces together over what exactly was making me question my childhood best friend so severely. We’d never gotten along exactly, and I hadn’t been all that nice to him in the beginning, I admit… but I never doubted our friendship. Not… like this. 

I was almost… nervous. Afraid of him. It was something I never thought that I’d experience with him because he has just always been there, even when he wasn’t. I sighed deeply and clicked on the chat box, glancing over the message quickly. 

Damien [6:15 pm]: Yo, I heard you moved, when can I come see your new spot? 

This immediately made me nervous. Who had he heard from that we’d moved? I hadn’t told anyone, and I was certain that neither Blake nor Puzzle had either. Because of the whole stalker situation, we were keeping our house a secret along with moving. We didn’t want anyone to know where we’d moved until the stalker was arrested. 

Oh, who told you that? We haven’t yet… I backspaced and sighed deeply. Lying felt wrong, but I didn’t know exactly what to do. On one had, Damien was someone I considered to really be a friend. I loved him, not like how I loved Blake and Puzzle, though. It was more of a brotherly love. You know, the I-love-you-but-I-fucking-hate-some-things-you-do-but-accept-you-regardless kind of love. I have moved, but we’re currently not sharing our address with anyone. There’s someone stalking us and… I groaned loudly and backspaced again. 

FUCK. I stood up and walked over to the banister and looked down, tilting my head to the side a little. I swore I saw something move in the bushes behind me, maybe just a flash of light, but I shook that thought off. It’s the sunlight on the lake,  I told myself half-heartedly. 

I wanted to scream, cry… I didn’t know what. 

My mind started flooding with thoughts, things moving far too fast for me to comprehend them. I felt the familiar urge come back, just tugging at the edge of my subconscious. If you take them, you won’t care . It echoed inside my mind, trying to lure me. It’ll all be over soon… just find some somewhere… I wrapped my arms around myself, as if I was trying to protect myself from the thoughts inside of my own head. 

I turned around away from the banister and headed back towards my computer, sitting down and tapping my fingers anxiously on the keyboard. I hesitated, and then finally composed:

Me [6:49 pm]: Sorry, I can’t have guest right now. We’re all sick. 

It was a lame excuse, but the pandemic gave me the perfect excuse to avoid him. I felt horrible, but I also just felt like… something was wrong . I can’t explain it, it was just a feeling that I had. There was something about him, his sudden attitude changes… I didn’t trust it. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on what his problem was, maybe he was doing drugs or something, but whatever the problem was made me feel unsettled. 

I watched as the dots came up that showed he was typing, and then they disappeared… and came back. Then disappeared again. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and I sighed, biting my lip and pulling it out. I knew who it was before I’d even glanced at the screen. I sighed deeply and answered. 

“Hello?” There was no response for a moment. All I could hear was the static, and his breathing. 

“You don’t sound sick.” He commented sarcastically. “You know if you don’t want to see me that is all you have to say.” His words were cold, somehow. 

“I do want to see you,” I said desperately, biting my lip. “I’m just starting to get sick, Puzzle and Blake are both in bed.” 

“Oh,” There was a layer of bitterness in his voice. “So you’re too busy fucking your boyfriends to hang out with me. Got it.” I flinched as if I’d been slapped, feeling hurt well up in my chest. I felt tears beginning to well up in my eyes and my bottom lip trembled. That saying It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it  comes to mind here. 

“I’m not,” I protested, and there was a silence that followed. I couldn’t even hear him breathing. “Hello?” I asked after a few minutes passed. 

“You’re a fucking slut.” The words rolled off his tongue coated in acid and I flinched, before I could respond the disconnected call  beep sounded, and I stood there completely shocked. My heart was beating out of my chest. I couldn’t help the tears that slid down my cheeks. This time, when the urge came to scream, I did. I poured every ounce of emotion I could into that scream. I wanted it out. I could feel the clutch of my addiction around my throat, suffocating me. 

I was sobbing, I couldn’t even tell you why. I just broke down. I crumpled against the ground and continued sobbing my phone falling out of my hand and onto the porch in front of me. I was immensely glad that our nearest neighbors were miles away and that we were surrounded by trees. 

The sound of the door slamming against the wall scared me, and for a moment I stopped and looked up, but Blake and Puzzle both stood in the doorway with matching looks of horror on their faces. I stopped crying for a minute and looked up at them. I wanted to vocalize, to say I was okay, but I couldn’t find the words. I just wanted everything to stop . 

I’d never been so overwhelmed by something in my life, and I couldn’t even figure out what it was that was upsetting me. They looked at each other worriedly and walked over to me, carefully sitting down on the porch beside me. I smiled weakly and looked up at them both, and then up to the sky. 

“What happened?” Blake asked, “Are you okay? I heard you scream, I thought something had happened…” I lowered my eyes and sighed deeply. Beside us, my phone started buzzing again. I looked up and saw Damien’s caller I.D. on the screen. Blake started to reach for the phone but I moved faster than I think I ever have before, picking up my phone and tossing it over the banister of the porch. Blake’s eyes widened in shock, he looked completely confused. I started crying again. 

“Ash, what happened, baby,” It was Puzzle this time, pleading with his eyes. I bit my lip. 

“Damien…” I muttered, pulling myself together after a moment of silence stretched between us. I sat up, pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “He’s supposed to be my best friend, why does he get so mad at me?” I could barely hear myself, but both of them looked sad. 

“People get mad at their friends,” Blake said, “It’ll pass darling, you know that. You’ve fought with Damien before.” 

“This… was different.” I said, feeling goosebumps trace across my skin. I glanced over my shoulder, hearing it playing my ringtone as loud as it could now. Damn, it’s not destroyed. “He accused me of lying, which I was , but… I didn’t want to see him and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make him mad.” I admitted quickly. “He called me because he didn’t believe me, I guess… Then he got upset because I said you two were in bed. And basically said I was having sex with you guys and didn’t want to see him because of that. Then he said ’ You’re a fucking slut.’ “ I’ll never forget the way they sounded coming out of his mouth, not the longest day that I live. 

“I’m going to fucking kill him !” Puzzle yelled, and I jumped. Blake put his hand up at Puzzle and he stopped for a moment. 

“He’s done this before,” Blake pointed out logically. “I’m not saying it’s okay, trust me, I’m just saying this is Damien  we’re talking about. He’s called you a whore a few times over me.” 

“He’s done this before?” Puzzle screeched, turning on Blake. “Why the hell is this bastard still coming around Ashton then? I thought you were supposed to be some big bad alpha chad dominant dude.” 

“I am a dominant, “ Blake said calmly, “Not a parent. I don’t tell Ash who he can or can not see, he’s not even properly trained yet. Calm your ass down Puzzle. Turning on me does nothing at the moment.” 

Puzzle was silent a moment. “You’re right.” 

“What made this fight different, Ashton,” Blake prodded gently. “You’ve never broken down into tears over a fight with him before.” 

Again, my phone ringing sounded behind us. “Well, we got into a fight last week, just before we moved… And he like tried to spontaneously visit us and was mad when I wasn’t there.” I said, biting my lip. “I’ve been really uncomfortable ever since then because he didn’t tell me when he was there, he told me later, in kind of a snide comment sort of way,” I said, feeling silly. 

“He was just… at our house?” Blake asked looking surprised. “I don’t know how he would’ve gotten to the house, truthfully. At least not without the police seeing him.” 

“And they didn’t see him?” I asked.

“Not that they’ve mentioned, no.” He said. A sound came out of Puzzle’s mouth, somewhere between surprise and fury. 

“It’s him Blake. It has to be.” Puzzle said, looking around. “Think about it, he was outside of our house while we weren’t there and the police didn’t see him. How else would he have gotten to the house if he hadn’t used the entrance by the woods, where no officers would be patrolling?” 

Blake bit his lip. “Don’t jump to conclusions, Puzzle. I’m going to call the officers and see if anyone reported seeing him. It may not be him.” I didn’t pipe up and say that I didn’t want it to be him. I didn’t say that it felt like I was suffocating. I sighed deeply and shut my eyes, rubbing my temples slowly. 

Betcha wish you hadn’t flushed the pills now, hmm ? I fought back tears, but couldn’t deny it. I wanted them now more than ever. I glanced over at Puzzle, feeling guilt eating away at me. I began feeling lightheaded suddenly, my heart racing and my vision blurred. Was I breathing? I was hyperventalating. 

Am I okay? 

It was the last thing that I thought before everything went dark.

72. ρѕу¢н єναℓυαтισи

~ Even the darkest nights will fade into daylight, the sun will overtake the wasteland you’re surrounded by. The worst storms will recede, keeping your head up is the hardest part…~

A S H T O N 

When I woke up, it was bright. Everything was blurry, somehow, out of focus. I could smell lemon bleach, could feel the crisp air on my skin. There was a blanket around my hips, it felt scratchy against my legs. I glanced around, looking up and around the room that I was in. It was so bright, with white walls, white lights. I glanced down at my arm, an IV resting in my arm. As I began to process I was no longer at home, the door to the room opened and I jumped. 

Puzzle was standing in the doorway, his beautiful eyes looking over me with worry evident in his eyes. I blushed, lowering my eyes. He walked towards me, sitting down in the chair beside my bed and taking my hand carefully. 

“What happened?” I asked hesitantly. I couldn’t remember much of anything that happened after blacking out. Puzzle ran his thumb over the back of my hand softly, biting his lip.

“You had a panic attack.” He explained softly, reaching out and brushing my bangs from my eyes. He looked very worried. “You don’t remember?” The look in his eye was somewhere between relieved and worried at the same time. I shrugged a little bit, glancing down at my arm. I remembered some of it, I remember fighting with Damien, and feeling off… and wishing I hadn’t flushed my pills. I felt guilt wash over me at the remembrance, but I hid it behind a slightly lopsided smile. 

“I remember about Damien. Did Blake get in touch with the police officers?” I asked, and Puzzle hesitated. I could practically see the gears in his head turning as he tried to decide what to say to me. I wanted to know though. 

“Right now, it’s not a good time to discuss that.” He said finally and kissed my forehead carefully.  “Blake will be around in an hour or so, they said that you wouldn’t wake up for a bit longer.” He explained softly, taking my hand again. 

“Where is he?” I asked, and Puzzle bit his lip and looked over my face. I could see the stress in his eyes, I could see the hesitation in them. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to say something. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset, or… I don’t even know what. I just felt terrible about being such a burden on everyone. I felt tears prickling at the corners of my eyes and blinked rapidly, trying to stop them.

“He’s gone to settle up some legal things.” Puzzle said, smiling easily. “It’s no big deal, he’ll be around soon.” 

“Legal things?” Before Puzzle could answer, a knock on the door sounded before it was pushed open and a man walked into the room. He was tall, dark-skinned with a buzzed head, he had deep brown eyes. I couldn’t see much else, because there was a mask blocking half of his face. I could tell he was younger, probably close to Blake’s age, though. 

“Hello Ashton,” The man said, using the sanitizer on the wall and then grabbing a pair of gloves. He walked over to the bed. “My name is Jeremiah Edevane, and I am a certified psychologist, and the ER doctor asked me to come by and speak with you.” He said, smiling carefully as he sat down in the rolling chair. “So, I hear you’ve had a panic attack. Has that ever happened before?” He asked. 

I frowned a little, sitting up and crossing my legs. “I don’t think so,” I said before I remembered the bathroom. I had been in the restaurant bathroom a few weeks ago and had freaked out then but I hadn’t blacked out or anything. “Well, there was this one time a few weeks ago,” I said, biting my lip nervously. 

“What happened?” He asked, nodding his head. 

“Well, I felt like I was being watched,” I confessed. “I went into the bathroom and was… just kind of freaking out. I was having a hard time breathing, and things are a little hazy.” 

“Okay,” He said and paused looking thoughtful. “You say that you felt like you were being watched, is there a reason?” He prompted carefully. 

“Well, our house was recently broke into,” I said, glancing over at Puzzle nervously. “When they were investigating, they found cigarette butts in the bushes behind our house. They tested it against…” I hesitated on the word father and decided against even using it, “against the person who had broken into our house, and deemed that they didn’t belong to him. As well as some footprints in the mud.” He nodded his head. 

“Okay, before we continue, I’m going to ask your visitor to step outside.” He said softly, and Puzzle nodded, standing up and kissing my head. 

“I’ll be right outside,” He promised quietly. I nodded, watching as he walked out of the room. I glanced back at the doctor as the door closed behind him and bit my lip. 

“I am here to give you a psyche evaluation,” He said, smiling kindly. I felt nervous eating at me from the inside out, but I nodded mutely. 

“Alright, so the first question I have is are their periods of time when you are very happy, and some periods of time when you feel very sad,” He asked me and I nodded my head. That summed me up pretty well. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, untouchable, and other times I feel like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean alone. He made a note in his notebook and then looked up at me.

“Have you ever felt so good or hyper that other people thought you were not your normal self or were so hyper that you got into trouble?” He asked me kindly, pulling out a notebook that I hadn’t seen before. Thinking back over things, I was always very hyper, but not necessarily happy. I nodded a little and bit my lip.

“I am hyper constantly,” I said shyly. “People don’t really think anything of it, though.” I tacked in. He nodded his head and made a note on his notebook. “I don’t really know, to be honest.” 

“Have you ever been so irritable that you’ve shouted at people, started fights, or had unnecessary arguments?” He asked, and I bit my lip. 

“Somewhat. I don’t really start fights or shout usually, but I have been pretty… abrasive with some people.” I said, thinking of Damien. I had never been a great friend to him, and I felt horrible about that. 

“Have you ever felt much more self-confident than usual?” He asked me as he wrote something down in his book. I bit my lip. Yes . I had. Not currently, currently I felt about as low as anyone could feel. It was like I’d jumped into the ocean off of the Alaskan coast. I nodded mutely and he made a note. “Have you ever missed a lot of sleep? How does that affect you?” 

“When I was on bed rest I slept a lot, but that was mainly due to the opiates I was taking,” I admitted, hesitant. “I sleep, it just isn’t as much as everyone else. I don’t really miss the sleep unless I’m really sad.” I sighed deeply picking at my fingernail anxiously. 

“Are there times when you’re much more talkative, or maybe spoke a much faster than you usually would?” I bit my lip and shrugged. 

“I don’t know, I feel like there are, but I can’t really place them at the moment,” I said, and he nodded making a note on his page. I bit my lip and tried to peek over at the notebook that he was writing in. I couldn’t see it, though. 

“Do you ever have your thoughts race through your head, or you couldn’t slow your mind down?” He asked me. Oh, all the time. My mind runs away with me constantly. It all starts with one thing, something insignificant, like when I was waiting on my surgery and Blake didn’t want to have sex with me because he didn’t want me to get hurt. 

“My thoughts are always very loud,” I admitted. “I can’t really escape them, sometimes. It’s like they are all flooding through me at one time.” 

“Are you easily distracted by things around you? Do you have trouble concentrating or staying on track?” He asked me and I bit my lip. 

“I’m not ADHD,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “My parents had me tested for that when I was younger.” 

“That didn’t answer my question.” He pointed out. 

“Well, I can concentrate on things. Sometimes, at least.” I said and bit my lip. “I am easily distracted unless it’s something that I really like and then I hyper-focus on it,” I admitted. 

“Interesting.” He mused, looking over his notebook. I bit my lip. That doesn’t sound promising. “Do you have periods of time that you have much more energy than usual?” He asked me, and I shrugged a bit before nodding.  “About how long do those periods of time last?” He asked me. 

“I’m not really sure, I’ve never paid attention.” I felt stupid for not remembering or paying more attention to it. 

“It’s okay, Ashton, you’re doing great.” He assured me. 

“Are there periods where you were much more social or outgoing than usual?” He asked me, and I bit my lip. “If you are not sure then you can say that.” He said, and I nodded my head. 

“I know, I’m just thinking. I feel like there are times when I do things and am a lot more confident usually. Like, I decided to join a school group before I found out I had Hydrocephalus and at first, I was really excited…” I trailed off. 

“But?” He asked. I bit my lip. Truthfully I wasn’t sure what. I’d lost enthusiasm at the first meeting, and I didn’t really know why. I was disappointed that I had to give it up because I was sick, but I didn’t really miss  it. I thought back a little farther when I’d decided to join Soccer randomly, despite hating  Soccer, and sports in general. I’d tried playing the clarinet in middle school, I’d been so sure that I’d be great at it. I’d only stayed in the band for half of the year, and that was only because my parents made me. 

“I don’t really know. It was just like the enthusiasm had been sucked out of me.” I said and shrugged. He made another note. I wanted to ask him what he was noting down on the paper, but I didn’t. 

“Alright,” He said and nodded. “Are there times that you are much more interested in sex?” He asked me and I bit my lip. Another question the answer was yes to.  A nod and he was writing again. I was anxious to know what he was writing. I wanted to know what he was making note of. Am I about to be hospitalized?

“Have you ever done things that were unusual for you, or that other people might have thought was excessive, foolish, or risky?” He asked me. I thought back over the years, dread seeping over me. I really hoped he didn’t want a list, that’d take forever. For one there was the obvious: Jumping into bed with Blake within like three days of meeting him, then moving in with him. Then there was Puzzle… the pain pills… using an app to buy pain pills. I nodded, unable to form words. He nodded, making another note. “Do you have an issue holding onto money?” He asked me, and I shook my head no.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and licked my lips. “To be fair, I don’ thave access to money regularly,” I admitted. He made another note. I sighed deeply. 

“Have several of these things happened to you during the same period of time?” He asked me and I nodded my head tired. My brain hurt. Am I crazy? Why’d they ordered a psych evaluation on me anyway? I’d had a panic attack, sure that’s like… not good , but this seemed excessive. “Did any of these things cause you a problem?” He asked me. 

I shrugged easily. “I don’t know, really. If they did, it must have blown over quickly.” I said and sighed. “I mean like I quit a few extracurricular activities in school, which was a pain in the ass. And I fight with my… friend.” Again, there was hesitation over the word. “A lot. I also have a hard time making friends. I don’t really talk to anyone besides Blake and Puzzle.” I said, and he nodded and made another note. 

“Do you have any relatives with manic-depressive illness or bipolar disorder?” He asked me and I shrugged. 

“I don’t really know, honestly. I know my mom and dad don’t, at least not that they’ve ever mentioned.” I said, and he nodded. The questions kept coming, and I felt like I was drowning. I wanted to ask for a break, ask for Puzzle to come back, but I couldn’t vocalize the feeling swimming in my chest.

The evaluation lasted an hour or so, he’d just never seemed to run out of questions. I was increasingly anxious about the results as he looked down over his notebook. He’d grabbed it during a pause for the bathroom. When he was done, looking over everything he’d written down, I felt relief and fear. 

“So, how are you feeling after talking about everything?” He asked, instead of cutting straight to the point. I felt a flicker of annoyance, but pushed it down and bit my lip, shrugging a bit. I hadn’t wanted to talk about how numb I felt sometimes, how nervous I was. I didn’t want to discuss how I felt like something was going to happen and I’d lose Puzzle and Blake. I didn’t want to discuss how I felt like I was drowning sometimes, how I felt like I was a burden… I could continue, but he cut my train of thought off. “Well, I’ve concluded that you have bipolar disorder.” He said carefully. 

I nodded mutely, biting my lip. I didn’t really know how to take that information. I sat there, feeling confused and worried. “I am going to suggest to your doctor that you seek out a psychologist you can visit weekly, to discuss your feelings, and also, for you to receive treatment.” He explained. “I also am going to prescribe you some Lithium. It is a mood stabilizer.” 

“Can my boyfriends come in? I’m a little foggy-headed right now.” I asked him quietly. He nodded, and I sent Puzzle a message. Ten seconds later, he was coming into the room, a bag of hot Cheetos in his hand. I raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment. The door shut behind him and he sat down in the chair. I noticed Blake wasn’t with him and frowned a little. He shot me a goofy grin though. I smiled halfheartedly. “So… what’s the Lithium going to do?” I asked him.

“Well, I’ll start with the Bipolar first, alright? Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes: severe highs which we call mania, and lows which are a depressive state. Episodes may be predominately manic or depressive, with normal moods between episodes. Sometimes mood swings may follow each other very closely, within days, we call this rapid cycling.” He explained softly, writing as he spoke. “The mania and depression may vary in intensity and severity, and can even co-exist in what we refer to as mixed episodes.” 

I nodded, glancing nervously over to Puzzle, who’d pulled out his phone. I couldn’t see what he was doing, but I figured it didn’t really matter. Just having one of them here in any way is better than being alone. “Lithium, the medication I’m prescribing you, evens out mood swings in both directions, from mania to depression and vice versa. It’s used for not just manic attacks or flare-ups of the illness, but also as an ongoing treatment for Bipolar.” He explained and I nodded my head. 

“The lithium will reduce the severe manic symptoms in five to fourteen days, but it may be weeks to several months before the condition is fully controlled.” He said, and I nodded. Puzzle leaned forward a little and I caught sight of his phone screen. He was googling what the doctor was talking about. “You may be placed on an antidepressant from the psychologist during depressive cycles. That’s not something I’m doing today, though, so I’m not going to cover that now.” 

“Am I going to be on medication forever?” I asked after a moment of silence. 

“A person may have one episode of bipolar disorder and never have another or be free of the disorder for several years. For those who have more than one manic episode, doctors give serious consideration to maintenance treatment with lithium.” He explained carefully. 

“Some people respond well to maintenance treatment and have no further episodes. Others may have moderate mood swings that lessen as treatment continues.” Jeremiah said kindly. “Unfortunately, some people with bipolar disorder may not be helped at all by lithium. Response to treatment with lithium varies, it can’t be determined beforehand who will or will not respond to treatment.” 

“So… this may not even work?” I asked. 

“I can’t lie to you,” He said. “It could not work, but it’s not going to make anything worse.” He said, and I nodded. “Now, I’m going to have a lovely nurse come in and draw some blood from you to check your blood lithium levels, so we can determine the best dosage for you.” He said, standing up. 

I sighed deeply and nodded. “Any more questions for me?” He asked. I shook my head and smiled weakly. I had many questions, but none of them were answerable in the time frame I had. I frowned as he walked out and fought the urge to sob. Not here.

That didn’t stop tears from streaking down my face. Puzzle sighed and got up onto the bed beside me, wrapping his arm around my side. I rested my head against his shoulder and cried into it silently. I wanna go home.

73. ¢σиѕє¢яαтισи

~My biggest fear is not the loss of my life, not the depths of the oceans, or the highest peaks of a mountian… no my biggest fear is losing you. There is no deity out there that compares to you, you are perfect.

~

B L A K E 

I’d never been more terrified in my life when the EMTs had loaded Ashton into the back of the ambulance and shut the door. Puzzle and I practically flew behind the ambulance, and when we got to the hospital they were in the process of giving Ashton, who was thrashing around and screaming, hyperventilating, and a complete mess, a tranquilizer. I’d seen the horror on Puzzle’s face, it was a sight that I’d seen before in his mother. I could only imagine how difficult that this must’ve been for him. 

I had hung around for a little while, but I was getting close to crying watching as Ashton slept in front of me. I hated being helpless more than anything, and there was nothing I could do for him when he was in such a state. Seeing him so upset made me angry. 

I was sitting out in my jeep in the parking lot of a gas station, shaking all over. I’d called the police and they’d not seen Damien come by the house and found it hard to believe that a teenage boy had managed to do so. They insisted that he must’ve just driven by and saw we weren’t home. 

I had accepted it because we didn’t really have any proof that it was him, and there were so many questions. Nothing really made sense. If it was Damien, how is it only just now coming to light? I mean, I’d never thought that Damien could possibly be a threat to Ashton. I could tell just by looking at him how much he cared about Ashton. He had oozed closet case from the very moment I’d seen him. I thought that he too had affections for Ashton and just didn’t know how to handle it, but… This was something serious. 

He had managed to send Ashton into one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever seen, and I’d seen many. In some ways, Puzzle had  been right, I was supposed to ensure Ashton was around no one unsafe and I failed at that. But, I had been handling Ashton as a partner instead of a submissive. He was still so young and new to this lifestyle, I didn’t want him to jump into this with his head first. I wanted him to have experience with both sides of things. 

The sound of my phone ringing was shocking. Ashton’s had been screaming all afternoon and most of the night. I picked up my phone and put it to my ear. “Hello?” I asked. 

“Hey, Blake, Ash is up.” Puzzle said, sighing deeply. 

“Is he okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, some psychologist is in there with them right now.” Puzzle said. 

“You’re not?” I asked him and he made a noise.

“I was going to stay but the doc asked me to leave.” He griped. I smirked a little. Of course. Puzzle would never have willingly left Ashton, especially right now. But, he’d been given no real choice. 

“Well, that’s alright then,” I said, and he sighed deeply. I could tell from the way he was talking that being away from Ashton was making him nervous. His mother had a few episodes similar, and I could only imagine that he was immensely worried about Ash. “Ash’ll be fine, Puzzle,” I said comfortingly, and I heard him sigh again.

“What if she’s not?” He asked hesitantly. 

“Ash is remarkably strong, Puzzle,” I said, and I heard him shuffling around a little. 

“What did the police say?” He said after a moment of silence. 

“That they think he’d driven by our house and saw that we weren’t home,” I said sarcastically. 

“So they don’t think…” The headlights of a car pulling into the gas station caught my attention. I glanced up, watching an all too familiar truck pull into the parking lot. I had completely tuned Puzzle out, focusing on the person in the truck. Damien. 

Rage surged through me at the sight of him, but I didn’t say anything. To Puzzle, or to Damien. I glanced down at the clock. I found myself watching as he walked around his car, and towards the entrance of the gas station. It’s an odd time for an eighteen-year-old to be out, especially on a school night. It wasn’t too weird, he was an adult, but with all of his other sporadic behavior, I was suspicious. 

I watched him as he walked up to the counter after grabbing a soda. He put it on and I saw him talking. He looked charming from here, I could see the Cashier melting as he spoke. I saw her reach up and grab something– cigarettes –and ring it up. 

I smirked. I took the phone away from my ear and pulled out my camera, zooming in on the door. I watched as he walked out of the gas station, pulling a cigarette out of the brand new pack and lighting it up. I took a picture of him standing there, a pack of cigarettes in hand. Now this , I smirked, is something that’ll get the police to look into him . I watched as the girl followed behind him out of the store. “Damien, wait up!” She called. 

It was then that I noticed Puzzle had completely shut up at the sound of the girls voice. I was silent as I watched. Damien turned around, a cocky little smirk on his lips. “What?” He asked, looking over her. 

“I was… I was wondering if you knew somewhere I could get a little cocaine?” This caused my eyebrows to raise. He ashed his cigarette and took another hit on it, trying to look cool as he exhaled it out. Asshole, you can’t make smoking attractive, there’s nothing attractive about it.  It was hypocritical, I admitted as I glanced down at my own pack of cigarettes. I quickly reverted my eyes. 

“Yeah, here,” He said, reaching into his pocket and pulling something out of it. I had been to my share of college parties, had seen those little packets of cocaine a hundred times, probably. He smirked a little as she took it out of his hand. 

“Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.” She said. 

“I know what to bring when I come here for cigs. You are the one who made the deal, aren’t you?” I could tell he was teasing her, and she giggled a little bit falling right into it. 

“I did. Then you broke the rules by sticking your dick inside me.” She said, flicking her hair over her shoulder. I watched as he reached his hand up and brushing the bangs out of her cheeks. I pulled out of the parking spot and drove carefully out of the parking lot. They were watching as I drove away, she looked mortified. He looked smug. 

“I just managed to get a picture of Damien buying cigarettes,” I said once I was out of the parking lot. Puzzle made a noise again and sighed. 

“I’d love to hear all about that terrific  turn of events but Ash asked me to come back in, so I’ve gotta go. Hurry, man, Ash needs you.” Puzzle said, and I laughed a little. 

“It is terrific. I’m on my way now.” I said, glancing over at the cigarettes in my own car. As the phone disconnected, I looked out my back window and turned the lights off on my car. It was completely dark around me, but I could see headlights chasing after me. I pulled off onto a side road and watched as Damien’s pickup drove past the street. He hadn’t seen me pulled off because my lights were off. I waited a few minutes, before driving in the opposite direction. My direction had been intentional, it was the exact opposite direction from where our house actually was. I knew there was a chance he’d follow me. 

When I finally made it to the hospital, I was beyond ready to see my little princess again. 

When I got to the hospital I parked my car and sighed deeply. I’ve been here way too much in the last year. I got out of the car, looking up at the moonlit sky. There wasn’t a single star in the sky, not a cloud, nothing . It was creepy. I walked up to the door of the hospital, mask in place on my face. I walked up to the desk and asked the nurse for Ashton’s room. She let me in, and I quickly walked back to where he was before. 

When I walked into the room, Puzzle and Ashton were curled up on the hospital bed together, Ashton sleeping again. “How is he?” I whispered, going over to the chair by Ash’s bed and taking his little hand in mine. I smiled a little as it immediately curled around mine on instinct. 

“They’re exhausted,” Puzzle said softly, looking down over Ash’s face. “they’ve already gotten a diagnosis. All we’re waiting on now is for the doctor to decide how much lithium to prescribe them.” 

“Lithium?” Lithium, the mood stabilizer. I knew about it, but I wasn’t exactly sure how that correlated to Ashton.

“The doctor says Ash is Bipolar.” Puzzle explained. I nodded my head. I could see where the doctor had come to that conclusion. Ashton is either overly happy, excitable, and hyper or very depressed, irritable, and lost. I had often wondered what mysteries lied behind his beautiful facade of enthusiasm. 

“That explains the lithium.” I amended quietly, my mind beginning to work. As I looked back over things, I realized that it was pretty obvious if you paid attention to him. He had really high highs, where he almost seems conceited or self-absorbed. He has really low lows where he is depressed and feels helpless. His mind moved quickly, he was always changing his mind, focusing was very hard for him.   I just want it to stop , he’d cried earlier, just before they’d given him the tranquilizer. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d meant he just wanted his mind to stop. I knew that feeling well. 

“Daddy!” An excited voice came from beside Puzzle and we both looked down to see Ashton smiling brightly at me. He seemed to realize where he was, and his face dropped. “I hoped I’d be home before I woke up.” He admitted quietly and I laughed a little and ran my fingers through his hair.

“We will be heading home soon,” I told him, and he nodded, smiling a little. He shuffled up and pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his cheek against his kneecap. “How are you feeling?” I asked him and he shrugged. 

“I just wanna go home,” He whined, and I nodded my head and smiled, kissing his forehead softly. He smiled a little and sighed. “I’m so sleepy.” He yawned loudly and leaned back against the mattress of the hospital bed. 

“You can rest, darling,” I said, and he shook his head.

“I wanna know about Damien, Puzzle’s been dodging my questions since I woke up,” Ashton said, looking over me with hopeful eyes. 

“He’s dodged them because I told him to,” I said bluntly, sighing. “I don’t think that you’re in a place right now where you need to worry about anything.” Ashton sighed in exasperation. 

“You guys are so ridiculous!” He said, rolling his eyes. “I already know now, there isn’t anything you can do to protect me from knowing what is happening. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I don’t want you guys to treat me any different than before.” 

“Ashton, you passed out from a panic attack, yesterday,” Puzzle said and sighed. “Over Damien. I’m sorry, but I agree with Blake.” Ashton pouted. 

“This isn’t fair! It isn’t you two that Damien is probably stalking!” He said, and I sighed and bit my lip. 

“Listen, as of right now, the police aren’t sure of that.” I said, “He may be, but he may not be. They’ll test his DNA against the cigarette butts, and then we’ll have more to update. But, as of right now, there’s nothing more to tell you, precious.” I wasn’t exactly lying, The police don’t think that Damien was the stalker, but they seemed doubtful that a teenager would be the culprit. I had sent the photo of Damien with a lit cigarette in his hand and a pack of smokes to the lead detective, who’d finally agreed to test his saliva. 

He looked over my face, trying to determine whether or not I was being honest with him. He seemed to accept the answer after a few minutes and turned his attention to the television, where Spongebob was playing.

I watched him as he watched the television, his beautiful eyes following the movements on the screen with interest and excitement. Looking at him now, you’d never think that he’d collapsed on the deck less than twenty-four hours ago. I couldn’t help but smile a little at the childish look in his eyes, relieved that he was getting to come home at all. 

I stood up and kissed Ash’s head softly. “I’ll be right back, I’ve got to get to the bathroom,” I said, and he nodded, pouting but allowing me to leave. I walked out into the hallway, walking along the familiar walls of the hospital, going into the bathroom, and shutting the door behind me. I leaned back against the wall and slid down it. Images of Ashton, crying, him screaming, the begging, all of it was racing through my head. 

I had been afraid of what could happen when he’d had hydrocephalus as well, but this was different. This was something that I couldn’t protect him from. I couldn’t wrap him in my arms and make it all go away. I wanted to so much. I felt a tear or two streak down my face and I sighed deeply. He’s okay , I told myself, but I still just sat there. It wasn’t long before a knock came on the bathroom door and I stood up, flushing the toilet and washing my hands in the sink before opening the door up to exit. 

I about plowed right into Puzzle, who had his head cocked a little. He smiled and leaned forward and hugged me tightly. I stiffened for a moment, but wrapped my arms around him and held him there for a minute. 

“It’s okay to be affected, Blake. I sure as hell was, seeing Ash that way… well it was hard  to handle and I’m used to seeing people being carted away screaming.” I saw a lost look in his eyes for a moment, and then he shook it off. His mom, I realized. I nodded and sighed. 

“I was so afraid that he’d be hospitalized,” I said quietly. “I love him so much, Puzzle. I couldn’t stand losing him.” 

Puzzle smiled knowingly and nodded his head. “I couldn’t either.” He said, glancing down the hallway to Ash’s room. I nodded and we stood there for a minute before we both headed back to the room Ashton was in, just as the discharge nurse came walking in. I sighed in relief. Finally. I can take him home.

74. ιитυѕѕυѕ¢єρтισи

~ There is nothing more freeing than peace.~

A S H T O N 

When I finally got home, I was tired, smelly, and really just wanted to take a piss. I tried to go to the bathroom by myself Blake stood outside the door. When I had gone to the kitchen to make myself a bowl of cereal, puzzle conveniently decided he wanted Doritos. I tried to take a shower, I locked the door and stood under the stream of water. But as I stood there, every few minutes someone would come and knock on the door. I eventually gave up and went down to the living room so we could watch some television. 

The pair of them kept staring at me out of the corner of their eyes as if they were afraid of what I might do. I groaned, finally having enough. “I’ve gotta pee,” I said a little harshly and stood up, going to walk towards the stairs. Blake turned around and looked at me.

“I’ll come check on you in a minute or two.” He promised as if that’d make me feel better. It didn’t. Fury raged through me like a train, and I completely lost it.

 “God, will you guys quit it?” I snapped, “I get it I am crazy, but I can pee without drowning in the fucking toilet.” I stormed off up the stairs and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door and sliding down it. I buried my head in my hands and started crying. I felt so terrible, I was so sad inside and I just wanted it all to end. 

I held back my sobs, forcing myself to be quiet. I didn’t want to get their attention. I cried for so long I didn’t even know how long I’d been there. I just sat there in the bathroom, letting my sorrow overtake me. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. My head was aching from crying, my eyes felt hot and I was exhausted. 

A small knock on the door caught my attention and I sighed deeply, “I’m okay!” I called, annoyed. 

“Ashton, you should come back,” It was Puzzle, softly speaking on the other side of the door. I bit my lip and shook my head.

“I don’t want to.” I said petulantly. I heard him sigh and then shifting on the ground. “Just go away!”

“I’m not going anywhere, I’ll stay here then, Ashton.” He said and leaned his head back against the door. “Listen we both know that you are in a bad place, we just want to make sure you’re okay. I know you’re going through a hard time right now, and I want to be there for you.” He said softly, his voice closer to me. “I know that keeping one of us with you won’t help you, but Blake thought he was going to lose you, he’s not going to let that happen again.” 

“I’m not almost gone, though,” I pointed out. “I’m right here, in the same house.”

“Yes, but you’re just coming home from the hospital because you had a mishap on the porch. It could’ve ended much differently and that’s what worries him.” He said carefully. “Blake wants to help you, protect you. It’s in his nature.” Puzzle said.

“I know but… I just need some air.” I admitted quietly. “I feel like my head is racing around me, and I’m stuck in the middle of it like a wormhole, just… slipping through time without control.” I said.  “It’s like I’ve got autopilot turned on and nothing is working correctly.” 

“I know how that feels, Ash. My OCD, it’s pretty bad. I have compulsive thoughts, you probably don’t know what those are. But, I will worry myself to death over something as small as inhaling six seconds instead of five… It’s annoying and I can’t really control it.” He said softly. “A lot of times it feels like I’m just this shell of nothing.” 

“I have never noticed,” I admitted shamefully.

“I do a good enough job hiding it from everyone. That’s the problem with mental illness. You oftentimes can’t see them. They sneak up and attack you when no one is around.” He sighed deeply. “But now you have both of us, we won’t let you go through this alone.” I nodded my head mutely. 

“I just want to be normal.” I said back to him. 

“Normal is nothing, Ash. It’s a setting on a washer,” Puzzle said softly. Silence encased us, but neither of us moved. I felt better, somewhat so.

---

A couple of days later, I was sitting at the kitchen table with a giant cup of water while I was doing school. I’d been peeing quite frequently, probably because of all the water, but I was so thirsty  all of the time. I barely felt like eating, but that was because of nausea. It was because of the lithium I was taking, initiation feelings. Once I got stabled on it, it’d be better but until then I was miserable. Regardless, if it’d make me feel… normal… I’d go through it. 

Puzzle was sitting beside me and we were both working on schoolwork. Puzzle was just getting started, and I was helping him figure out the ropes. While I felt a little fuzzy, I wasn’t anxious or on edge like usual. I didn’t feel like I was going to explode. My head wasn’t swarming with more thoughts than I could handle. I felt calm, for the first time in my entire life. I always felt somewhat off-kilter with everyone else, like I was above or below them. I was never on the same level, I either felt like I was better than everyone, or like I wasn’t worth the air that I breathed. It was unbalanced, and I probably should’ve realized earlier. 

I was surprised Blake didn’t notice, he had a psychology degree. Though in order to diagnose something you have to actually discuss what you’re feeling and I had never even realized how I felt. I just sometimes was a lot more reckless, felt like I was perfect, untouchable… and then other times I was so unmotivated, and felt like such a problem to everyone… I didn’t need  to talk about it when everything was great, and I was… manic.  I was perfect, nothing was wrong. And when I was depressed, I didn’t want to burden him. 

I got addicted to pain pills, and that’s not entirely the Bipolar Disorder–that was me, being stupid and reckless. The Bipolar wasn’t solely at blame, I’d taken them just to stop my head from going, I wanted an escape from life, from my own thoughts. It all felt like it was out of my control, I wanted to get away from it. It hurt to think, to remember. I just wanted to die, truthfully, but I had never expressed that thought. I had hidden it away from even myself and denied that it existed because that meant that there was something wrong with me. I was afraid of dying, but… I secretly hoped that I would. I should not have pushed the thought away from me, hidden it within myself so deep that I wouldn’t even know it myself. They always say hindsight is 50/50, and they’re right. 

“I know that I should  know this, but I don’t.” Puzzle sighed, his eyes searching over the screen in concentration. His eyebrows were furrowed a little, and he looked stressed. I smiled a little bit and shook my head.

“You may not know it. Just choose your best guess, it’s so that they know where to place you.” I said, and bit my lip nervously. “It needs to be accurate so that you don’t end up in the wrong classes and fall behind.” 

“I hate schools.” He grumbled a little and took a hit off the pen. I watched him carefully as he selected the answer he thought was right, and moved on to the next one. I started looking over my own test, picking out the second answer. This test was really easy, we’d covered this in class today and I had picked up on it easily. English was the one class that I’d never struggled in. I was great at it. 

We fell into a comfortable silence as we worked on our tests. I was relaxed and clear-minded. It felt like I was at peace, for the first time I can remember. I had barely ever felt this level of stability, even with Blake being in control of me. I had always felt like I was on shaky ground, but I didn’t now. 

By the time we’d both finished school, it was dark outside. Blake was in the living room watching television, and we both went in to join him. Puzzle and I went into the living room and sat down on the couch, watching the television with Blake. The boring television show was surprisingly easy to focus on with how quiet my mind was. I took a hit on my dab pen and sighed deeply, relief coursing through me. 

It’s so quiet . Peaceful. 

Blake’s phone started ringing and he glanced down at it, I tried to peek over at it but I couldn’t see it at all over his arm. He stood up and walked out of the living room, out to the front porch. I glanced up and watched as he went before turning my attention to Puzzle. He looked remarkably happy today, even his eyes seemed lighter. “I wonder what that’s about?” I questioned and he shrugged.

“It’s Blake, probably work.” Puzzle amended, laughing a little and grabbing my pen from my hand and taking a slow hit on it. I playfully pouted and crossed my arms, sticking my tongue out at him. He laughed and shrugged. “We haven’t gone to get more yet,” He teased.

Oh yeah. He needed to go get more and he wanted me to go with him. We’d just gotten started on school though, and things began to settle down… I’d hate to fall farther behind. “Yeah, we do need to go do that,” I admitted and bit my lip. “What about school though?” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t want him to think I was lame because I was worried about it, but it was important to me that I pass this year.

“Ash, I wouldn’t take you on a trip and not let you do school.” Puzzle said, smiling. “Plus, I’m in school too. We’d have to take our computers and do classes in the room after we go to the dispensary.” He said, just as Blake walked through the doors. I glanced up and noticed his expression at first, but he carefully schooled it so that he looked fine and smiled at us. 

“You guys should go to the dispensary,” Blake said, coming to sit beside me. 

“What? You want us to go?” I asked, biting my lip. He’d never been terribly strict with me, he’d always let me do pretty much whatever… but he had never suggested I miss school for something. I was immediately suspicious. 

“Well, Puzzle has to go because he needs his medicine. You don’t have to go, but I’d feel better if you two went together since I can’t accompany him.” Blake explained carefully, and I frowned and crossed my arms. 

“What was the call about?” I prodded him carefully, and he shrugged a little bit, trying to smile a little but worry spread across his face. My frown deepened. “I want to know!” I demanded.

“Ashton, all that you need to know at this precise moment is that you need to go to Ohio with Puzzle. Tonight. The latest is in the morning. So go get packing. Now.” Blake demanded, and the submissive inside of me trembled and I nodded, biting my lip. I wanted to know what was the matter, I needed to know. Why is he hiding this from me? I stomped up the stairs, suddenly really pissed that he wouldn’t talk to me. I could tell something was wrong, why wouldn’t he just tell me? 

I know he thinks he’s trying to protect me, but the reality is that he can’t protect me, not from my mental health. He can’t stop every episode of mania or downward spiral of depression. He has done so much for me already, I have to do this myself. I can’t depend on him to keep my moods stable, or to help me cope with my BiPolar. I slammed the door behind me, grabbing my backpack and shoving clothes into it. 

This isn’t fair, he’s treating me like I can’t handle anything myself! 

I grabbed my toiletries from the bathroom and put them into a bag, grabbing my toothbrush and toothpaste from the counter. I tossed the bag on the bed and sighed deeply, walking over to my underwear drawer and grabbed out a couple of pairs, then got pajamas out. I grabbed three of everything because I didn’t know how long the trip would be. I assume just overnight, maybe… two? I was too mad to even ask. 

The door opened to our bedroom and I paused, looking up. I saw it was Blake and looked away from him and continued doing as he told me. “I know you want to know why, but right now isn’t a good time.” He said softly and I glanced up at him. 

“I deserve to know why you want me to leave,” I snapped, steeling my voice. I was so angry and confused… I wanted to cry but I pushed it away. 

“I know that you’re upset with me, and I can live with that. You don’t understand now, but I do, Ashton.” He said, and I huffed loudly and crossed my arms over my chest. 

“I don’t understand. Because you won’t explain it to me.” I snapped back at him, rolling my eyes. 

“Do you trust me?” He asked me and I bit my lip and nodded hesitantly. “Then just wait until you get back and I swear I will tell you everything.” 

“You… swear?” I asked hesitantly. He nodded. I huffed again and nodded, beginning to pack again. It didn’t take long for me to finish up and he carried my bags down to the living room. I sat down on the couch and waited for Puzzle to get upstairs.

75. αвѕтєитισи

~ Life is hard, it’s not fair and nothing really makes sense. Friendships are meaningful, necessary, even if you’re straddling the fence.~

A S H T O N 

It was four in the morning when Puzzle got too tired to keep driving and decided to stop off at a hotel for the night. Blake had given him his business card, and I had the bank card Blake had given me the first time that we made a trip to Maine. It was raining, we didn’t really even know what state we were in at this point but it didn’t really matter. We were somewhere between Virginia and Maine, and we were exhausted. 

The hotel was dark and gloomy looking, a little creepy even. The light kept flickering in the lobby and I could tell that it was freaking Puzzle out so I’d stepped in and handled setting up a room with the greying haired man behind the counter. The top of the mans head was bald and he had long stringy grey hair hanging down around his shoulders. His gunmetal blue eyes were beady and seemed to stare just a little too long at the two of us as we handed him our ID’s. 

Despite the creepy lights and the rather unsettling man in the lobby the hotel room was adorable. There was one bed, with two little lamps hanging by them mounted to the wall. The AC was huge and right beneath the window, which had a pulling curtain over it. The bathroom was small but dealable for a night, there wasn’t a kitchenette but we’d eat takeout anyway so it didn’t really matter.

Puzzle had gone to shower, his back hurt really bad after driving all night. I offered to let him take my dab pen to the bathroom but he’d denied, stating that the hot water would relieve it some. I wasn’t going to force him to take it, so I didn’t say anything and he went to shower. While I was really mad at Blake for not telling me what was going on, I really wanted to call him. I couldn’t help but be worried about him, he never hid things from me intentionally, and I couldn’t help but wonder why he was suddenly. I knew that he didn’t want me to get overwhelmed, but he’d been so insistent on me leaving that I couldn’t help the unsettled feeling in my stomach.

I picked up my new cell phone, some samsung phone Blake had gotten me while I was at the hospital after I’d thrown mine over the railing of the porch and went to his contact name, and selected it. I let the phone ring for a minute, and whimped out, hanging up. I bit my nail a little nervously, and then sighed. I threw the phone down on the bed, angry with myself. Angry with him. 

Why should I call him when he didn’t want me around? I huffed and pulled my legs up to my chest and rested my head on my knees. I jumped when my phone started blaring Blake’s ringtone. I bit my lip and picked up the phone, sliding the answer button.

“Hello?” I asked hesitantly. 

“Hey, Princess. Are you okay? Is Puzzle still driving?” He asked me, and I sucked in a deep breath and nodded, before I realized he couldn’t see me. 

“I’m fine, Puzzle pulled off at this creepy little motel.” I told him carefully. “It’s really not so bad, but the guy behind the counter looked like a serial killer.” 

“A serial killer?” Blake echoed, seemingly distracted. 

“Yeah, he’s got these glassy eyes and this stringy hair but it’s only on the sides of his head… the top of his head is all bald. He’s chonky, you know, like hefty.” I said, playing with my fingers nervously. 

“That’s awesome.” He said, and I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, and then Jesus came back and opened up a portal to heaven and the old man floated away in a white buggy like the one in Cinderella. Then this kid came out of the back room and I swear to god it was Frank Sinatra, the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. So yeah, we’re getting married now, that should be pretty fun. Besides the fact that he’s like, supposed to be dead.” I said, and he made an mm-hmm sound. “Why did you even call me just to not listen to me?” 

“I’m sorry, I’m just distracted,” He said, and I snorted. 

“Obviously.” I snapped. 

“Look, you’re what, five hours away from home?” He asked me. 

“Yes, we’re like five hours away from home.” I said, and he sighed deeply. “Not that either of us know why, though. Why seems like an important question.” It came out more sarcastic than I meant for it to.

“Ashton, promise me something?” He said, and I bit my lip.

“What? I am really frustrated right now and you want me to promise something? Why don’t you just tell me what is going on!” I demanded, and he sighed again, sounded tired.

“Ashton, promise me you’ll stay away until I call you. Okay?” He said.

“No, absolutely not that is ridiculous! That’s my home too! You can’t just push me out of the house!” I snapped. 

“Ashton, it’s our home. Yours mine and Puzzle. I’m not pushing anyone out, you’re both on the deed. Just… I’ll tell you what’s happening but you must stay where you are, okay? I know it’s not fair to hide it from you. But I had to get you out of here.” He said softly, his words sounding strained. “Promise me, Ashton.” He demanded.

“Fine. Fine, I’ll stay the fuck away from the house!” I seethed. 

“The state. Stay in Maine, where ever–just don’t come anywhere near Virginia. Do you understand me?” Blake said urgently.

“Fine!” I snapped.

“Damien… is a likely suspect in whos been stalking you.” Blake said easily. “He had one thing going for him, that was that he’s not old enough to buy cigarettes. I caught him at this out of the way gas station with this girl. He bought cigarettes from her and gave her cocaine. I caught a picture of him with the cigarettes. They went to find him to test his DNA, but he was gone.” Blake said gently. “He saw me pulling out of the gas station, it must’ve spooked him. He stole money from his mom and a handgun. Just… stay where you are.” 

“He has a gun?” It sounded odd coming out of my mouth. I was confused, concerned, scared… I was shocked that none of that fear involved me. I was worried for him. “Blake, he isn’t coming after me, someone has to find him!” I said. 

“What do you mean?” He asked. 

“Blake, he’s obviously not in his right mind!” I said, and he laughed.

“Yeah, he’s stalking you, stole a gun and money, and is dealing cocaine. I can’t imagine a more stable person!” It was sarcastic and I was shocked. I was silent for a moment. He’s not going to listen to me, he’s too angry.

“I agree.” I said quietly. “I love you.” I said, and he sighed deeply.

“I’m sorry princess, I love you too.” He said. 

We talked for a few more minutes, and then I said I was going to bed. When he hung up, and sat for a moment, trying to make sense of my feelings. I wasn’t sure what I could do to help Damien, but I knew that I needed to. He was there for me when I was at home and I needed him, and I couldn’t ever take back our past and the terrible way I treated him but I had to help him somehow. I didn’t know how to though. I sighed deeply. It wasn’t too much longer before Puzzle walked out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist and his hair soaking wet. Little trails of water ran down his chest and I couldn’t help the way my mind shifted focus immediately. 

He smiled at me and grabbed his soda off the counter, taking a big gulp of it before he took off the towel and put on his underwear. I bit my lip in disappointment and a blush tracing down my cheeks. “Hey, we should run to the gas station and get some drinks and snacks before I smoke anything.” He suggested. 

“Alright. That works for me.” I said, and he smiled and stepped into his jeans and pulled on a t-shirt. “Are we going now?” I asked.

“Preferably. The shower barely helped.” He said, and I nodded, standing up and slipping my feet into my shoes. I followed him out to the car and we buckled up, he started the car and we were off. The gas station beside the hotel was opened so it was not  a long drive, we probably could’ve walked but it was creepy and dark. We didn’t even know where we were, so if something were to happen to us no one would even know that we were missing. 

We grabbed a twelve pack of sodas and a bag of ice, then a couple of little debbies and a few bags of chips. “This is soooo not healthy.” I said when we got back to the hotel and I opened the first bag of chips, digging in. 

“It isn’t but I don’t guess it really matters, the alternative is starving.” He laughed and took the pen, taking a hit on it. I laughed and shrugged. “I am so glad that I don’t have to focus on driving any more I’m exhausted.” He laughed. 

“I’m exhausted for you,” I said, and he shrugged.

“I enjoy spending the time with you. I just don’t understand why we had to leave like… last night?” He asked confused and I bit my lip. I launched into story about Damien and the gun, the stolen money, and the cigarettes. I didn’t leave out any details, I was feeling conflicted enough to want his input on everything. I wanted to know what I should be feeling, because all I felt was… confusion and worry. 

I wasn’t worried even a little bit about myself, I highly doubted that Damien would ever hurt me. I was worried about him hurting himself. I didn’t really know what to do, though, because Blake didn’t care . He was upset because Damien had been watching me, he was angry that he hurt my feelings and was worried about me. He didn’t want to think about how Damien must be feeling because he was too angry to care. I did care though, regardless of everything that had happened, Damien was my brother–we were friends from childhood and I loved him. I wanted him to get better, to not be sick anymore. 

Damien was sick, that was the thing. That’s the thing Blake didn’t want to acknowledge, just like I hadn’t wanted to admit that I was sick. It was only different because Blake didn’t want there to be something that could excuse his actions, and I could see that Damien wasn’t himself anymore. There was something that I had to do, I just didn’t know what.

I sighed deeply and picked up my phone, going through my email quickly. One in particular stuck out to me, it was from an email that wasn’t in my contacts. The only emails I get usually are from school, so I was immediately aware of it. I clicked on the email, and glanced over it. 

Ash,

I don’t really know what to say, besides I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve been a shitty friend, and that I was never fully accepting of you. I know that you got put in the hospital after our disagreement the other day and I felt really bad. I didn’t mean to say anything I said, I just was so angry that I couldn’t control it. 

I wish that I could go back in time and do things differently, I wish I could’ve expressed to you what you meant to me in a healthy way, but I didn’t know how. I was ashamed of myself, and of you in some ways, and I’m sorry for that too. I know that you’ve never been afraid of being yourself and I always envied that about you. I envied a lot of things about you, and I began to envy Blake in some ways. I pushed that feeling aside because I didn’t know what to even say to you about it. I don’t really like guys, I never have, it was only ever you who made me question things… and then I saw you dressed as a girl and I couldn’t help it. I really wanted you, I wanted you to see me like you saw Blake.  I didn’t push things, I’d never do that to you. I still told myself it’d work out in the end, that I’d find someone who would make me forget all about the way that I’ve always felt about you. And I tried to, I have boned every blond haired blue eyed girl I could and it was never enough. I kept telling myself it’d never happen though… then I saw you in the park with Puzzle, and I was just… so angry.  I pushed away any thought of us because you were happy with Blake and I had convinced myself I was okay with that. I convinced myself that as long as you were happy, I’d find a way to be happy too. Seeing you with Puzzle made me really think about things. I thought you were out of reach to others, that you’d only ever want Blake and then suddenly you weren’t… I realized you were out of reach to me  but not to others.  I didn’t know how to feel, but I thought if I could watch you with them it’d make me feel better, like I was a part of it. It didn’t. I only grew angrier at you because you didn’t even notice me. You never noticed me, not the way that you noticed Puzzle or Blake and I didn’t understand why. Blake I could see, he was older, more masculine and stable than me. But Puzzle was more like you, closer to me than Blake… and that hurt me. I wanted to be with you and seeing you with him made it obvious that it wasn’t just that you didn’t like guys your age, it was just that you didn’t like me. I watched you a lot, and I’m sorry.  The day that your dad broke into your house, I was outside watching. I couldn’t tell you he was there, I was embarrassed and afraid. I couldn’t let him hurt you though, so instead, I ran after him. I kept my hood up and I don’t know if he even knew it was me. I heard the sirens and ran back the way that I’d come.  Again, I’m so sorry for all of this. I love you Ashton, I really do. And I never meant to hurt you. 

I came to the conclusion tonight that I’ve got to leave. To put an end to this, once and for all. I hope it’s not too late to make it to Paradise, it’d be really nice to spend a day in a place where I’m actually happy.  This’ll be the last  time you’ll hear from me. I’m going to let you go. I love you. 

-D

By the end of the email I was about in tears. I made an excuse to step outside onto the balcony and googled the Virginia PD department. I clicked the number and dialled it, asking for the lead detective on Damien’s case. I didn’t say my name, I don’t think anyone would ever know it was me. I listened to the dial-tone as she sent me to him.

“Dakota County Sheriffs department, this is Christian Secrus, how may I help you?” A polite voice asked on the other end of the phone. 

“I think I may have an idea of where Damien Hollingsly is going.” I said quietly, nervousness rushing through me as I said the words.

76. αвѕтяα¢тισи

The funny thing about people is that, in a way, they are like a puzzle–hundreds of little pieces coming together to make them into the person that they are.

A S H T O N 

The next morning we were up at ten and driving again. We would make it to Maine in a few hours and then Puzzle would have more of his medication. Blake had told Puzzle this morning to find a good  hotel in Maine and to stay there for a few days. He also told Puzzle to buy us the same stuff again, which kinda upset me. I wanted Puzzle to have more than me because he needed it and I really didn’t. I liked to smoke, it was fun and exciting and it helps me with my cravings for opiates… but Puzzle needs it more than I do. 

Even when I crave opiates, I can’t get them anymore. I don’t even remember the app that I used to buy them the last time and I don’t have anymore from a prescription either. I did want them, sometimes. Other times I barely think about it. It hit me really hard when I was really sad and overwhelmed, that was when I really struggled . The lithium seemed to really help keep me from going zero to a hundred with my emotions now. I was sad  but it didn’t feel as bad as it did before. Being sad before I started getting treatment was weeks long of soaking in a pool of self-loathing depression. Now, being sad was just… a thing. I could handle it. 

I guess it could’ve helped that I wasn’t sad for me, I was sad for Damien. I was sad and immensely worried. I called the officer leading the investigation for him and told him that I knew where Damien was, but I made him promise he would do his best not to hurt him. I didn’t want Damien to be hurt, even after he hurt me so badly. 

When he said Paradise, I knew exactly where he was referencing. When he was a kid, his mom and dad took him to this small little town in Georgia, called Helen. He’d described it as paradise his entire life, saying that it looked like a little town in a storybook. It was close to Christmas which is when he went as a child. Thanksgiving was over at this point, I can’t even remember the day. We were setting up our house on Thanksgiving, I believe. Regardless, I knew–and hoped –I was right. 

I was very worried because it wasn’t like Damien to do any of this and it seemed like… something to worry about. I didn’t want to think what I was thinking, that he could be planning to end his life. I didn’t want to think about that, but I couldn’t help it. Everything he was doing was so out of character, he’d written me that goodbye letter and that seemed like almost a suicide note. 

I was on edge, the entire day. When we finally pulled into the hotel parking lot I was relieved. We made it to Maine. The hotel this time was really nice, with wooden floors, a large chandelier in the center of the lobby, and huge elegant bouquets of flowers. The couches were all white, and the tables were a deep mahogany wood that gave the lobby a homey feel. There were paintings on the wall, all of them looked sophisticated and classy. The lady behind the huge mahogany desk was wearing a neatly pressed dress suit, elegant earrings, and her hair was pulled back into a slick updo. She was immensely attractive, with dark skin and deep brown eyes. She handed us our room keys and smiled, I was surprised by how beautiful it was. “I hope you enjoy your stay with us. Your room is reserved for two days, if you need to add more just call down and someone will help you. If you grab your bags, I can escort you to your room.” She said. 

“Oh, I think we can find it ourselves,” I said shyly. Standing next to her made it really obvious how not perfect I was. I was more than a little self-conscious and intimidated by her, just because I really wanted to be her. Not exactly her, I just wanted to be as attractive as her, I guess. She seemed happier with that answer than with the idea of walking us to our rooms, so we rushed off down the hallway towards the room. We followed the signs and made it to our room quickly.

Once we were in the room, I let out a relieved sigh and checked my phone. I had a message from Blake on my screen, and I opened it and replied quickly, before tossing my phone on the bed and taking off my clothes. I pulled the breast forms off of my chest and went into the bathroom. I gasped, surprised. The bathroom was large and spacious with a walk-in shower, a glass sliding door, and a seat inside of it. The shower was made with hundreds of tiny little tiles, pristine and white, with dim lights overhead. I glanced over at the wall and saw the little switch to turn up the brightness but I felt it alone, going into the shower and turning on the water. 

I washed my hair with some shampoo and then my body, sighing deeply and standing under the stream of scalding hot water with no mind. I let the water wash over me with relief, trying to get rid of the stress and worry from me. I wanted to stop thinking about everything, just… relax. Every muscle in my body felt tight and I was mentally drained. I leaned my head back under the water, losing myself in the moment. 

“Ash, can I hop in?” Puzzle asked and I jumped, putting a hand over my racing heart. I looked out at him through the glass door and blushed, suddenly feeling self-conscious. I nodded despite that, and he started taking his clothes off. I turned around to hide my embarrassment and erection, my cheeks flushing. I listened as the glass door opened and he got in behind me. He got behind me so that his chest was touching my back and I breathed deeply. 

He rested his chin on my shoulder and kissed my cheek. “This hotel’s shower is much bigger,” He commented playfully, and I blushed and nodded my head, glancing up at him. I giggled when I met his eyes and glanced away from him quickly. 

“Funny, there are two showerheads and they’re both on, but you’re all the way over here.” I teased, and he laughed and kissed my neck. His breath fanning over my neck caused gooseflesh to race across my skin. I sucked in a breath and held back a whimper. 

“Well you’re just so warm,” He said and trailed kisses along my neck. I whimpered this time, unable to hold it back. He smiled against my skin and pulled away, grabbing one of my hands and spinning me around so I was facing him. I looked into his eyes and smiled up at him, his hands slipping down to my hips. “And soft…” He muttered, leaning down to kiss my lips. 

We were lost in a kiss for a moment, I gave him all the control this time. I didn’t want it–I was too tired and emotionally drained to want any. I wanted to lose myself in the moment, I wanted to lose myself in him. I didn’t want to have to think, to have to do anything other than just enjoy the moment.

He pushed me back against the glass wall of the shower, his hands landing on either side of my head as he trapped me there. I looked up into his eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me, leaning up, and kissing him. He took control of the kiss as if he sensed what I needed at that moment. I smiled into the kiss and lifted my legs, wrapping them around his hips. He laughed and moved his hands down to my ass, gripping it in his hands. “You want to take this to the bedroom?” He asked me, and I nodded, looking at him blushing. 

He stepped back and I went back to standing on the ground, quickly cutting the water off and following behind him as he led me back to the bedroom. He grabbed the lube and laid me back on the bed. I sank down into the soft bed, parting my legs and letting him slip between them. He kissed me deeply, his hands running over my body in a way that made me gasp. 

I could feel his erection on my ass and wiggled against him. I wanted to skip the foreplay this time, I didn’t want to fool around and go slow. I needed more than this. He pulled away from me and got down between my legs, using lube to slowly work a finger into me. “More!” I pleaded and he looked up at me for a moment before adding another finger. I whined, parting my legs more. He smirked and leaned down, taking me into his mouth.

“Ooh,” I breathed out, pleasure washing over me in waves. He bobbed his head up and down my erection, keeping his fingers moving inside of me. I couldn’t help the noises slipping past my lips, some probably a little too loud. 

With each movement of his fingers, I only wanted him  inside me more, but the warmth of his mouth kept me quiet. I was so horny, every inch of me felt like it was on fire, and I need him to put me out. Or stoke the fire, as he was already doing. I wasn’t sure which I’d like better, him giving me exactly what I wanted, or him sucking me off… both felt fantastic and I wasn’t sure I wanted to part with his mouth just yet. 

I couldn’t help but wiggle my hips up so that he took more of me down his throat. I moaned loudly, biting my lip to try to silence myself. He pulled off of me and looked up at me with a smirk for a moment before he crawled up between my legs and got back on top of me. Despite the loss of his mouth, I was still aching and ready for anything he’d give me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and blushed brightly, meeting his eyes. He smiled down at me and guided himself inside me. I keened, fullness spreading throughout me as I felt the familiar feeling spread throughout my body. 

“You feel so good,” He groaned into my area, bloodshot eyes searching my face. I giggled, feeling happiness surge through me. I loved being praised, I loved feeling like I was making Blake and him feel good. I pulled him down, he rested his weight against me and slowly thrust into me. I let him control the pace, unbothered with the slowness of it.

Time seemed to be passing by rather slowly, I found that I didn’t mind it at all. It gave me a moment to really take in the way that Puzzle looked, slightly awestruck. He was so handsome, thin, and lithe, with bright blue eyes and white hair. I could see the roots of his natural color coming in, could see the very pale freckles across his face. His bangs were matted to his forehead, the water from the shower still hanging on. I could see the look of concentration in his eyes, the haze in them from lust. 

I don’t know if it’s the medication, but I wasn’t being completely consumed with lust like usual. I could still think  in a better way. I could focus on more than just the feelings coursing through me. It was exhilarating, exciting. I wasn’t sure what was so good about not focusing solely on the pleasure my body was feeling, but there was a sense of pleasure in the way it felt to watch him slowly fall apart. 

Feeling rather bold, I pushed him back off of me and got on top of him, taking him back inside me as quickly as I could. I looked down at him as I bounced on his dick. He was staring at me, his lips slightly parted, redness slinging to his cheeks. I was moving up and down, taking him almost all the way out before falling straight back down and taking all of him again. 

I was blushing because I could feel him watching me. I leaned forward and covered his eyes. He laughed and pulled my face down and kissed me. My hand moved down to hold myself up above him and met his eyes. I couldn’t look away, he gripped onto my hips and started helping me move up and down on him. In this position, he was going deeper and slightly harder and I struggled to keep from getting too loud. I was choking back noises, trying to keep from getting any unnecessary attention. 

Our bodies moved together in an erotic dance of lust and desire as we chased our orgasms. I kept moving against him as quickly as I could. I wanted to make him feel as good as he made me feel. Puzzle was making quiet noises, his eyes slipping shut in pleasure as I rode him. 

We lost ourselves in pleasure, I was unsure of how long we remained tangled in the sheets before he was finally releasing. He smiled down at me as he laid me down on my back and got down between my legs and started sucking me off again. It wasn’t but a minute or two before I was crying out, way too loudly, causing his hand to slip up and cover my mouth. 

He came up and wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my neck and starting to snore. I laughed a little and wiggled away from him, going to clean myself up before we have to go to the dispensary. 

• • - 

I woke up with a start, the screaming noise of my phone blaring on the side table. I glanced down at Puzzle, who was snoring quietly, his arms wrapped around the blanket I’d kicked off during sleep. I picked up the phone, looking at the caller i.d. and seeing that it was the Virginia PD. I immediately answered and whispered, “One second,” while I pulled on a pair of Puzzle’s boxers and a tee-shirt that had been discarded on the floor. I rushed out onto the balcony and sat down. 

“Sorry, did you find Damien?” I asked, holding in a breath as I awaited his response. 

“Damien has been apprehended, that is all that I’m allowed to share with you, unfortunately,” He said and sighed. “If you’d like more information on your friend, you should call his mother.” I sucked in a deep breath and thanked him. I sighed deeply as the phone disconnected. I wasn’t sure how long that it’d take now that Damien was in police custody for Blake to be okay with me coming home. I wasn’t supposed to know anything about this, so I had to play it really cool and keep from letting anyone know that I know more than I should. 

Blake would be very angry with me for interfering, he wanted me as far away from stress as possible. I knew that he had the best intentions in mind, but it wasn’t possible for him to protect me from everything. I wasn’t going to stand by and let someone who’d played such a huge role in my life get such a bum rap. Damien wasn’t a bad guy, not deep down. 

Damien was confused, he needed my support, and even if Blake didn’t like that I’d still do it. Damien was my best friend before all of this happened, and I may not ever look at him the same afterward, but I wouldn’t abandon him when he needed me most. I couldn’t do that.

77. ¢σяяє¢тισи

It’s hard to hide from your feelings when everything piles on top of you and leaves you feeling unsettled–but you’re never alone.

A S H T O N

The next time I woke up, it was to the feeling of Puzzle running his fingers through my hair lightly as I slept. I paused for a moment, not opening my eyes despite being awake. The feeling of him playing with my hair was enough to make happiness bloom in my chest, and I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want him to know that I was awake. I could hear The Amazing World of Gumball playing on the television. I was deliciously warm nestled into his arms, the room was still dark and I was content just laying there. 

I was silent and still, just enjoying the moment of peace. I was so relieved that my mind wasn’t on overdrive today, I was used to being so high-strung that I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I could think like a normal person–though I had never noticed the way I thought wasn’t normal–and could really take a moment and think things through now. I had always been heavy-handed on things, I never did something halfway. I couldn’t keep my mind from being all or nothing, and that was really difficult to regulate what I should and shouldn’t do. 

I went from zero to a hundred with Blake practically overnight and hadn’t even thought anything of it. I hadn’t thought about the fact that he was a stranger, I hadn’t thought about not knowing him at all. I had irrationally trusted him and had even slept with him protection-free without even seeing an STD check. I hadn’t been wrong about trusting him, but if things hadn’t turned out the way that they did… I could’ve been in a lot of trouble. He was so much older than me, and I could’ve easily been taken advantage of. Damien had been so worried about me, and I’d been so irrationally upset because if Blake wasn’t a good person things could’ve turned out so much differently for me. 

I wasn’t really sure what to think about Damien anymore, though. I was really happy he was okay, and not at risk for hurting himself anymore. I was so confused because part of me is so worried for him, and another part of me is so angry at him. I felt so many things, all of them so contradictory from each other. I felt betrayed, above all. I didn’t know how to handle the situation anymore. I forced myself to take a steady breath and pushed those thoughts out of my head. There’s no need to worry about it now, I promised Blake I wouldn’t come home until he called me, so I can’t even try to go see him or even talk to Blake about it yet. 

A little bit of guilt ate at me because I’d disobeyed Blake by getting involved when I promised him I wouldn’t. I had promised Blake, but Damien was my best friend. I owed Damien for the years that he was okay. I couldn’t let him go through this alone, it wasn’t fair. 

At the same time though, I was the problem. He was focused on me, stalking me… all of this was because of me. I didn’t know if I should just stay away or not, because he was fixated on me. I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty because all of this was my fault. I shook my head and opened my eyes finally, forcing the thoughts away again this time more permanently. I would tackle them, probably after I got back with Blake and could let him help me. 

Until then, I will push the thoughts away and focus on the present. 

I smiled and glanced over at Puzzle who was laying next to me, looking at the television. He looked high, I could tell even in the dimly lit room because his eyes were bloodshot. He was smiling really big as he watched cartoons. He glanced down at me and his smile widened. “Good morning, babe.” He said. 

“Good morning. What time is it?” I asked hesitantly, and he shrugged, glancing over at the table beside his side of the bed. 

“It’s… one in the afternoon.” He said, and I nodded, sitting up and crossing my legs. I rubbed my eyes and sighed deeply, looking around the room for a moment, before I picked up my phone. I had a message from Blake, so I opened it, and read it. Hey princess, I need you to call me when you wake up. I love you, talk soon. 

“I have to go call Blake, I’ll be right back,” I said, and Puzzle smiled and nodded, kissing my cheek. I smiled back at him and stood up, walking out onto the balcony and sitting down in the chair out there. I called Blake and listened to the dial tone for a moment until he picked up. “Hello?” I asked. 

“Hey there, Princess. How’s Maine?” Blake asked, I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was off. 

“It’s fine, I just woke up,” I said and bit my lip. “I woke up late, obviously. Is something the matter?” I asked him carefully, nervous. I couldn’t help but feel nervous because I’d lied to him and said I wouldn’t interfere with Damien. Despite the nervousness and guilt, I felt like I’d done the only thing I could and still live with myself. 

“Oh, no. I think you should be able to come home tomorrow, actually.” He said and I could hear the smile in his voice. That made my heart feel slightly lighter. I really needed to talk to him though, and tell him that I’d gone against my word. Even if he punished me, I would still go back and do the same thing. Damien was my friend and I had to be there for him just like how he’d been there for me when I was younger.

“They found Damien?” I carefully asked, trying my best to keep from letting it out that I actually already knew. I didn’t want Blake to know I’d intervened and helped the police. I knew that I should just tell him, but I was afraid he’d be angry at me. I just couldn’t let Damien get hurt, and I knew that he would be considered armed and dangerous by the police. 

“They did, yes. You can start heading home tomorrow if you’d like to.” Blake said, and I smiled. I wanted to be back with him more than anything else. I was relieved that I could come back home. I missed being with Blake. Puzzle was amazing, but something is missing when Blake isn’t there. I need them both, so much. Both of them were so important to me, they played a pivotal role in my life. I couldn’t imagine life without either of them. They meant everything to me. They were the only family I had, but to be fair they were all I needed. I didn’t need momma or dad, I didn’t need my uncle–that was also my dad but not in a weird incest way. I didn’t need my relatives, not anymore. I wasn’t a helpless child anymore, I had something. 

I felt a lot of relief because I no longer needed to please my parents. All I wanted to do is enjoy it. I was miles away from my mother now, my father was in jail and my mother could be soon, as well. I wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. I knew that there was going to come a time that I’d have to either skip the trial and let whatever happens happen, or I’ll have to go to trial and testify against my father and my mother. 

I felt an ache in my heart, it seemed to radiate sadness through me. I loved my parents despite everything that happened. I didn’t want… her  in jail. I had always loved my mother, and while my parents were dysfunctional and even abusive they were still my parents. Regardless… the man who raised me was probably going to go to jail, and my mother could definitely be pulled down with him. I knew it was inevitable, but I was heartbroken about it. I couldn’t really fix it, I couldn’t go back and say that what happened didn’t matter at all. It did because what my father did could’ve caused me to die if Blake hadn’t been insistent on making me go to the hospital. It wasn’t a matter of him just physically hurting me–even if it was only one time. 

Once was one time too many, and it’d been devastating  to my physical health. I am a year behind because of the surgery, and it seemed pretty obvious that I’d be unable to pick up all the credits I’d missed and I didn’t want to ride on my previous illness to get through my classes. It felt dishonest and undeserved. I should’ve been able to be proud of graduating, but I only felt like I needed to talk to my school counselor and see if I could repeat the grade, even if I were going to be a year older than I should be. 

If I graduated now, I’d already missed so many classes, I didn’t have the knowledge base to be able to graduate and pass entrance exams for a community college… I felt a little trapped honestly because I just wanted to be able to continue as if nothing had happened and yet I couldn’t. Things had been changed, permanently, and I was anxious about it. 

“Ash, you’re in your head, aren’t you?” Puzzle asked, and I jumped a bit, my heart speeding up in my chest. I sighed a bit and nodded my head, feeling a little embarrassed. I was getting caught up in my thoughts again. I need to get that under control… I was crazy, right? I felt crazy. But, how did Puzzle just know that something was wrong? The only person that’d ever been able to tell was Blake… “Come here, Ash.” Puzzle said, and I nodded, moving over towards him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me down so that I was resting against his chest, listening to the rhythmic beat of his heart. 

I wrapped my arms around him and cuddled up to his chest, my heart aching a little. I miss Blake, I just wanted to feel his arms wrapping around me and kissing me. Puzzle was amazing, but everything felt so out of sorts that I wasn’t able to ground myself. Whenever I was like this with Blake he’d take control and make everything better. Puzzle was my rock, but Blake was the gravity holding me to the earth. “I don’t feel good.” I said, putting my hand over my face.

“What’s the matter,” Puzzle murmured softly into my ear, his fingers lightly running through my hair. I shivered a little and bit my lip, my heart speeding up in my chest. The touch was gentle and somewhat calming, and it had me whimpering softly. 

“There’s so much going on, I’m just… anxious,” I said honestly, squeezing my arms around him. “Damien’s been caught, and my dad’s in jail awaiting trial. My mother is going to be going to trial. I am really struggling with school because even if I do well on every test I can’t get enough points to legitimately pass the year. I’m not home, and Blake just made me leave and I didn’t want to.” I said, tears starting to form in my eyes. “I wanted to stay home, with Blake and you. I would’ve been safe. We could’ve all camped in the living room and had a movie marathon. Why did all of this have to happen?” 

“I understand,” Puzzle said, pressing a kiss to my head. “I know that you’ve got a lot going on, but I don’t want you to focus on only the bad things, okay? It’s easy to do that, and you don’t have to. I’m right here, and I’ll listen to you whenever you need me.” Puzzle said, affection wringing in his tone. I blushed and buried my face in his chest, inhaling the scent of his soap. He smelled good, like summer rain. That scent was relaxing to him, and while it didn’t erase his anxiety it certainly helped  in at least some way. 

“Can we go somewhere?” I asked him shyly, and he nodded his head easily.

“Where do you want to go, beautiful?” Puzzle asked, running his fingers through my hair. I sighed in pleasure, tingles spreading through my head. 

“Can we just go to the park?” I asked, and he nodded his head and smiled. Getting out of the hotel room could be good. It’d keep me from focusing on everything that was happening. Being trapped in one room was suffocating, even if you love the person you’re crammed into the room with. It just felt so cramped in comparison to home, and I didn’t really like it. I just wanted to get away from my problems some. If I’m not in this room, I’ll be able to focus on everything around me instead of just wallowing in self-pity. 

None of that mattered, not in the grand scheme of things. I’d be home with Blake tomorrow and I would be able to have some submissive time. I really needed it after this little escapade. Being out of sorts made my head race, and the medication can only contain it so much. It helps, a lot , but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it’s helping enough. 

For a moment, just a second,  my mind flew to thoughts of before when I’d been blissfully numb. Those pills–they made everything almost instantly go away. It was enticing to think about even if I knew I had no way to get any. It didn’t matter anyway, I wouldn’t do that again. Both Blake and Puzzle were worried about it, and I couldn’t put them through that again. But that pressure only made me want them more. I sighed deeply and pulled myself away from Puzzle, going to get dressed. 

I needed to get all of this off of my mind before I really make a mistake. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. 

A/n: Sorry it’s been a while. Christofer is now over a year old and is way  more active than my insomniac ass can handle. He’s walking and has like ten to eleven teeth already. I’m triggered that he’s aging so fast but at the same time I want him to start liking the cartoons I like. Yes, I am a man-child at heart and do watch cartoon network shows, but Rick and Morty and Family Guy are my favorites(and I think we can all agree those aren’t infant-friendly television shows.)I am also about to go through some dental surgeries, so yaaaay… 

A. M. DeVries

78. яє¢σиfιямαтισи

His will, his pleasure, his desire, all of me belongs to all of him. The grasp he holds, the things he demands, everything in me longs for him. With him, I am whole, and without him I am empty.

A S H T O N

When Puzzle and I got home, Puzzle went down to bed and I immediately ran up the stairs. I’d grab my bags after I saw Blake. I was so excited, I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and all I wanted was to just sink into him. He was so warm and safe, so sturdy and I needed him so much. I just didn’t feel the same when he wasn’t around. I made my way up the stairs and tip-toed into the bedroom, peeking around to see if he was inside. 

Blake laid sprawled out on the bed, his tattooed chest being illuminated by the early morning sunlight. Puzzle and I had left the hotel in the middle of the night because we ended up sleeping most of the day, so we managed to pull in to the driveway at six thirty in the morning, and I was well past excited. As soon as I saw him, I launched myself on the bed, crying out daddy! Blake woke up with a gasp, managing to wrap his arms around my waist as I straddled his waist. 

“Well good morning,” Blake said, chuckling a little as his eyes roamed over my face, sleep still clinging to his voice. “What a lovely thing to wake up to,” I blushed and leaned down and kissed him softly before leaning down and resting my head on his chest. 

“I missed you daddy,” I said softly, sighing happily. Blake laughed softly and rolled us over so that I was on my back looking up at him. I giggled and looped my arms around his neck, parting my legs so that he could slip between them. 

“I missed you too, princess,” Blake said, smirking down at me. I blushed and wrapped my legs around his hips and clung onto him tightly as arousal began zinging through me. “Is daddy’s princess a little horny this morning?” Blake teased, and my flush deepened as I nodded and bit back a whimper. 

“I just missed you so much,” I said, looking up at him desperately. “I just missed feeling close to you. I didn’t like being forced to leave, and honestly… I wasn’t happy with you when I left and I-I-,” I trailed off, biting into my lip. “I did something bad. I didn’t obey your orders.” I felt guilt flooding through me as I looked up at him, my heart aching a little. “I know you told me not to get involved with Damien’s investigation because you didn’t want me to get hurt, but he sent me an email, and I couldn’t not call the police.” I said, lowering my eyes. “I’m so sorry daddy, I didn’t want to go against your word or my own. But I thought Damien was going to kill himself and I couldn’t just ignore-” 

“Ashton, I didn’t want you to get involved with Damien because of your own safety, and I’m not happy that you didn’t tell me sooner, but given the circumstances, I can’t really be angry at you.” Blake said, brushing the hair from my face. “I am just so happy to see you, princess.” Blake’s eyes were filled with warmth and I melted. 

“Please, I need you, daddy,” I said softly, pushing up against his abdomen. Blake chuckled breathlessly and put his hands on my waist, squeezing a little bit. Arousal sunk into me and I bit my lip. Blake pulled away after a second, and I pouted. “Heyyy!” I whined, poking out my bottom lip. 

“I’m not kissing you before I brush my teeth. I’ll be right back, love. Wait right there. Preferably naked.” Blake said teasingly and I sucked in a deep breath and nodded my head. Blake pulled himself up off the bed and padded silently into the bathroom thanks to the carpeted floor, and I giggled a little as I lifted myself up onto my knees and pulled my shirt off and tossed it away from me. I hadn’t really been expecting to sleep with Blake as soon as I got home, so I wasn’t exactly feeling cute like normal. I’d slipped into a pair of basketball shorts and a tee-shirt from Puzzle because it was just more comfortable, so I wasn’t feeling as pretty as usual, but it made me feel a little spark of excitement that it really didn’t matter to Blake.

I could be masculine(well… as masculine as I get, which really isn’t all that masculine)or feminine and Blake would love me regardless. I blushed a little and pulled out of the basketball shorts and my underwear, tossing them off the bed and down into the floor with my shirt. Just as I was finishing, Blake walked back into the bedroom from the conjoined bathroom and looked at me with heated eyes. 

“Daddy,” I whined, reaching my arms out to him. Blake laughed and walked a little quicker back over to me and wrapped me in his arms. I sighed softly and pressed my lips against his, letting his warmth and dominance wash over me as he held me close. 

• • - 

When I woke up, I was encased in Blake’s arms, my head resting over on his chest, the soft rhythmic thumping of his heart in his chest calmed me immediately and I shut my eyes again. It was a lot brighter, uncomfortably so, and I was overwhelmed with the urge to bury my face in his chest so I couldn’t see it. But, I didn’t want to wake Blake up yet. I pulled myself carefully out of Blake’s arms and tip-toed out of the room and walked down to the living room and grabbed Blake’s keys out of the dish by the door.

I unlocked the door and walked outside, grabbing mine and Puzzle’s luggage out of it and sat it down carefully on the ground, shutting the trunk before I carried it all inside. I sat Puzzle’s bag down at the top of the basement stairs and carried mine to the kitchen. I set up my phone with a cooking tutorial. I put on an apron and prepared for the final boss battle: pancakes.  I couldn’t help but giggle a little as I followed the instructions on the box carefully to mix everything together. 

Once everything was mixed I turned on the stove to the temperature indicated on the box and put some butter in the pan and then clicked on the video tutorial and skipped to the part where they started putting the pancakes in the pan. By the time I was done and had it set up to where I could watch the video as I went, the butter had melted and I could start. I bit my lip and grabbed a soup scoop out of the utinsils glass and carefully scooped out what I estimated to be the right amount of batter and poured it into the pan. It started sizzling and I tried to shape it into a circle, but failed miserably. When I flipped the first one, it flipped in half like a taco shell and the inside was all… battery. I sighed and pulled it out of the pan and threw it straight into the trash can. 

Okay, just try again, it’s fine.  I sighed and scooped out more, pouring the batter into the pan. Once again, it was misshapen, and when I tried to flip it only half of it flipped. I groaned a little and tried to pull it over more so that both sides would cook, but it was stuck to the pan. “Damn,” I sighed and carefully lifted it off of the pan with the spatula, tossing try number two into the trash as well. 

Don’t give up, it’s just a pancake. Try again. It’s for Blake. I can do this, I totally can. I poured more into the pan and stared at it intensely. So intensely, I completely missed Blake walking up behind me and putting his hands on my hips. I jumped and jerked, my hand accidentally loosening on the spatula I was using to turn over the pancakes. 

“Daddddy!” I whined, looking up at him over my shoulder as I heard the plastic spatula hit the tile floor of the kitchen. Blake laughed a little and leaned down and kissed my forehead softly. 

“That’s the wrong spatula. Use the metal one instead.” Blake suggested, and I bit my lip and nodded, grabbing the spatula. I carefully slipped the spatula under the pancake and flipped it over, managing to get this pancake turned over without incident. 

“Daddy I did it!” I said, happiness flooding through me. Blake laughed softly and nodded, amusement glimmering in his eyes before he leaned down and started trailing his lips over my neck. I blushed brightly and bit back a whimper, arousal beginning to seep through me. “It looks pretty circular too!” It kind of looked circular, it had a couple of slightly extended edges, but it wasn’t bad considering the other two became half-uncooked batter omelets. 

“I’m so proud,” Blake said, smiling at me as he pulled away from my back after a moment and leaned against the counter beside the stove. “What inspired you to begin cooking?” Blake asked, and I shrugged a bit and pulled the pancake out of the pan and put another one down. “Well, I’m glad that you’re taking initiative, princess. And that our new house isn’t in flames.” Blake teased, leaning over me to press his lips to my forehead. 

“I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed,” I admitted shyly, feeling a little disappointed. Blake always did so much for me, shouldn’t I do something to return all of his kindness? I just never seemed to be able to get it right. 

“Well, this was equally a surprise, and I get to see you with batter on your nose.” Blake said playfully, and I blushed and wiped at my nose shyly. “You’re so cute, Ash.” Blake said, and I blushed more and flipped the pancake over, giggling a little. Blake turned around and started working on preparing himself a cup of coffee, and I bit my lip as I looked over his bare, tattooed back. He’s so hot, fuck , I quickly looked away and focused back on the pancakes. It took me a little longer than I’d like to admit, but I managed to make enough pancakes for both Blake and I. Puzzle was still in bed, probably, so I hadn’t made anything for him.

He’d driven the entire night, and he was no doubt much more exhausted than I had been given my lack of assistance with driving. I took a bite and scrunched my nose up a little. They were a little too done, but overall they weren’t a total failure. I smiled a little as I watched Blake take a bite out of the corner of my eyes. His eyes widened a little in surprise and he smiled.

“They taste good, baby. I’m impressed.” Blake said proudly, his eyes shining brightly as he stuffed another bite in his mouth. “How was the trip? Did you at least have fun?” I paused for a moment and bit my lip. I wouldn’t really call if fun, so I shook my head a little. 

“It was alright, I guess, given the circumstances.” I said, looking down at my plate of food. “You really hurt my feelings making me leave.” I admitted softly, and Blake nodded and sighed a little. 

“I know, I was just worried Ash and I’m sorry.” Blake said, reaching forward and putting his hand over mine on the table. “I shouldn’t have been so forceful, I admit that was wrong of me. You had just started a new mood stabilizer and you needed me to explain my thoughts to you better.” Blake said, and I nodded and sighed deeply. 

“I just… I’m… scared, daddy.” I said, sitting my fork down on my plate and looking over my food. “I had just a split second where I wanted to find pills again, and I’m so scared I’m going to start using them again.” I pulled my hand away from his and covered my face with my hands as tears tears began to flood my eyes. “I don’t wanna go back to that again.” Blake was suddenly in front of me, leaning against the table and taking my wrists in his hands and pulled them back away from my face. 

“Princess, look at me,” Blake said, and I hesitantly raised my eyes up to him, feeling ashamed of myself. I had so many people trying to help and support me and I was still trying to go back to using unhealthy coping mechanisms and it was so much harder than I expected when those times hit that I actually wanted to use them. It wasn’t something that made me happy, I realized that, but the numbness was intoxicating. I have so much to be happy about, why do I even want something to make me numb? It… It hurt. “I know it’s scary, and I worried about this hitting you one day from the very beginning. But, I know and have faith that you’re stronger than you were then, and that you have grown a lot since then. I believe that you can overcome those cravings.” I felt my eyes watering again and Blake released my wrists and cupped my cheeks in his hands, wiping my eyes with his thumbs.

“You believe in me? Really?” I asked, blinking up at him in surprise. I didn’t even believe in me, honestly. I was so worried about making a mistake and going backwards that I couldn’t help but worry obsessively over anything that could send me backwards. “I’m really trying so hard, daddy, I promise.” I said, and he smiled and nodded. 

“I know, princess. That’s all I want from you.” Blake said, wrapping his hand around my neck and squeezing lightly, lifting me up out of the chair I was sitting in before letting go and pulled me forward, burying my face in his chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and sank forward into his grasp, letting myself relax into his arms. “I love you princess,” Blake said and I whimpered.

“I love you too, daddy, more than anything.” I said, nuzzling into his chest. He was steadying, in a world full of chaos. I wanted nothing more than to spend forever in his arms, being loved by him.