Trigger Warnings

This story, however short it may be, has got one decent set of triggers. This was honestly why it’s stayed in the vault again for so long, and only up on my previous website for a short period of time

So without further ado, this story contains:

Self harm

Suicide

Mental abuse

Verbal abuse

Physical abuse (in a sense, this is a bit more light but still there)

I think I covered it all, so just bear that in mind when reading, and as always, make sure you’re taking care of yourselves <3

xoxo

Also, P.S. there is still quite a bit of humor cause I’m me lol so I promise its not all sad, but the overarching themes are heavy and I just want you all to know that

Part One

“She needs help.” My mother spoke as her grip on my arm tightened.

I winced a little, but she didn’t seem to notice.

She had a tendency to never notice these kind of things…

But the doctor sitting across from us did. With just a glance, he knew.

If only he could see the war I had raged upon my arms over the past few years. The scars that threatened to never fade.

Something told me that he knew those too.

“We’d be happy to have her here for inpatient therapy. Although, ma’am, she must admit herself here willingly. She’s a legal adult, and she’s already undergone the 72 hour hold at the emergency center. This choice would have to be entirely her own.” The doctor replied. He was speaking to my mother, but his eyes never left mine.

My mother finally released my mangled arm. I could feel the blood start to soak through my sweater.

I think she had opened up some of the cuts.

“Of course she’ll admit herself willingly… won’t you, Liz?” My mother asked, as she turned to me. I didn’t want to hate her because I knew this was only what she saw to be the best option, but I could feel the not so subtle commanding tone in her voice, and I didn’t like the way it made me feel.

Then again, I never did.

“I’ll do it.” I replied, glancing away from my mother as my voice came out strangled. I had just realized that this was the first time I had said anything since that night, four days ago. When she had found me.

“See! She’ll do it.” My mother clarified.

I could feel the doctor’s eyes on me, but I kept my head turned towards the window. The sun was setting now.

“This would be immediately, Ms. Raleigh. You would be admitted the second you sign these documents here. You must stay the full minimum 10 days, after that, it’s up to you and your therapist here to work out your release date…

Great. Just great.

“We have a firm set of rules here.” He continued. “While there are both men and women in the section we will be admitting you into, any relations is strictly prohibited. You are here to get better, don’t lose sight of that. You will be monitored by floor staff regularly. There are no doors that do not have windows for security checks. We do not allow makeup, or any physically altering products either. Rooms are searched every morning during your stay here.”

He pulled out a form from the folder on his desk.

“If you understand that you will be giving up your privacy for the full duration of your stay, you can go ahead and sign yourself in.”

I shifted to the edge of my seat as my shaky hands struggled to grasp the pen. One hand finally gripped it firmly, while the other held the edge of the desk to steady myself. There was a line at the bottom of the page that had “Sign Here” typed in small print underneath it. I hovered the pen above the line for a few moments before finally signing my name, and handing both it and the paper back to the doctor.

Luckily, he took both from my grasp before he could see just how shaky my hands really were.

He gave the documents a once over then nodded. My signature mirrored that of a five year olds, but he didn’t seem to mind. “Thank you very much for coming in Mrs. Raleigh. I promise, your daughter is in very good hands here. She is allowed to make outbound calls so whether she does choose to contact you during her stay is entirely up to her.” Maybe I was looking too far into the doctors words, but it felt like a complete slap to my mother’s face. It brought the faintest smile upon my own.

My mothers thin smile wavered as she caught his words, but she didn’t press his comment further. Instead, she stood up abruptly. Her talon like claws still had my arm in their death grip. I could see blood already start to seep through the thin grey material of my hoodie. Great.

Like always, my mother didn’t notice. She kept my arm held tight in her hand until we had made it out to one of the entryways in the hospital. That was when she let the bloody mess fall lifelessly to my side.

“Listen, Liz. I need you to go in there and get better or so help me god , we are going to have some fucking problems. I don’t know where you got it into your pretty little head that I had the time for this, but I don’t. Not only have you pulled me from countless projects you know I’ve been slaving away at these past few months, but now you’re going to cost me an arm and a leg as well. You know I’ve been hauling ass, saving up for Richie’s first car. When did we get here? Hmm? When did you start feeling like you couldn’t tell me these things?”

I stared at my mother blankly. She must have been joking, right? To the best of my knowledge, I had never felt comfortable telling her anything.

“You know what, it doesn’t matter. Just go get better.”

That was the last thing my mother left me with when she dropped me off that sunny afternoon. The last piece of guidance she would give me to guide me through the next ten days. God knows I wasn’t planning on giving that woman a call.

I would rather choke on rusty nails.

I watched as my mother carried herself out of the facility. She didn’t turn to look back once, which is something I should have expected. I’d have to have a heart of stone to say it didn’t sting a bit, though. Someone’s hand on my shoulder made my entire body jump, but I settled once I realized it was just Doctor Gazoni.

“My apologies, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He spoke.

“It’s okay.” I dismissed it quietly. He was quick to remove his hand from my shoulder, noticing my uncomfortableness and acting accordingly.

“I was just going to have you go through the check in process with some of our nurses. I must admit that it’s not the most pleasant experience, but we try to get through it as quickly as possible.” He explained.

I allowed him to lead me down another set of corridors before making it to a different room. All the hallways were so similar with plain white walls and standard looking doors, I had no idea where we were anymore.

“You’ll just enter through here, and nurse Sarah is going to direct you on what you need to do. Once you’re done, she’ll send you back my way and we’ll get you settled in.” He spoke, using his key card to unlock the door. “Make sure to have her take a look at your arm as well.” He added. When I glanced down, I could see that more blood had started to seep through the thin material.

I gave Doctor Gazoni a brief yet firm nod, as I watch the door close between us. The room he had directed me into, was just another patient room. There was an area closed off by curtains that a nurse stood next to.

“Hi there, you must be Elizabeth.” She chirped. Her smile felt warm as she flashed her pearly whites my way. “Come on over, we’re just going to get you changed and checked in. I’m sure Doctor Gazoni let you know a bit about what we don’t allow into the facility. We just have to make sure you don’t have anything on you, then you’ll be all good to go.”

Sarah was multitasking like crazy, jotting things down on her clipboard as she spoke a mile a minute. I was barely following her words, and waited for her to start directing me on what she wanted me to do.

“I’ll have you walk into this little area here behind the curtains, and take off the clothes you’re currently wearing. Once you passed those to me from above, I’ll hand you the pair of scrubs I’ve got folded here.” Sarah continued. I did as I was told, stepping into the small room to change. There were no mirrors or anything like in the malls.

And probably for good reason, too.

The sweater came off my midsection and head okay until I had to slide it over my arm. The hospital had cleaned up the mess I made, but my mother fucked up whatever healing processed was starting when her fingers dug into the cuts. It was my undershirt that was the real mess. My once light blue long sleeve now had blotches of deep red across where my left arm was.

I tried to tuck the fabric into itself in hopes Nurse Sarah would just throw everything into the wash. Something told me she had already taken notice of the blood stains, however.

After shimmying out of my jeans, I bundled everything together and held it up above the curtain. Sarah was quick to take the heavy fabric off my hands, and replace it with some light maroon colored scrubs. A short sleeve shirt and floor length pants.

The scrubs were boxy, a bit big on my smaller frame, but the tag said S/M and mother told me not to be difficult here. I stepped out moments later, allowing Sarah to take in what had to be one goofy sight.

“Looking good!” She grinned, giving me two thumbs up. I admired her enthusiasm, but her optimism disgusted me. Nonetheless, I gave her a polite smile. “Next I’ll have to give your body a quick scan. I know it kind of feels like prison right now but I promise you, it’s just for your safety.”

I didn’t doubt that. In fact, it got me thinking. What would a prison look like for people who are the most dangerous to themselves? Was this it? It all seemed too simple. Keeping someone safe from themselves should be far more complicated, shouldn’t it?

Regardless, I allowed Sarah to scan my body. She spent a few seconds searching my hair before continuing down my slender frame. It was a different level of violating, being searched for items you might plan on using against yourself. I reminded all the parts of me that this was no ones fault but my own.

The decisions I made had got me here, and now I had to get better.

My mothers words still rang through me. It was a tragic thing, not knowing how to kill off parts of myself… parts that were killing off other parts of myself. Maybe my depression-

I stopped myself short.

Like they always do, my mother’s bullshit teachings crept through like a once brain-washed soldier perseveres through PTSD. Her words were never asked for, but always given. “It’s not your depression, Liz. Don’t claim that illness as your own.” She would scold me sternly.

Going to therapy with her was the biggest mistake either of us made, both physically, mentally, emotionally, and more importantly financially . There wasn’t a day where my mother failed to remind me of that- just how much money I cost her.

It seemed quite counter intuitive to force someone into therapy to fix a relationship, then blame them for the costs of therapy itself… but my mother didn’t see it that way. Of course not.

I had gotten stuck so far down that rabbit hole of thoughts, I almost didn’t hear Nurse Sarah clear her throat. “Sorry hun, looks like I lost you there for a moment but you should be all set!” My arms gently fell to my sides. I must have looked like an idiot just standing there with my arms raised high.

“Thank you,” I offered another polite smile. Before I could turn to leave, Sarah stopped me at the last moment.

“Before you go, let me just take a quick look at that arm.”

I wanted to nurse it myself. I didn’t want Nurse Sarah, or anyone else for that matter, looking at the cuts. It was clear as day that Sarah wasn’t going to let me go however… so I plopped down on a chair and let her take a good look.

By the time Sarah was finished, all I wanted to do was sleep. I wanted to rest my head on something plush and forget the last 4 days ever happened. Unfortunately it wasn’t time for bed yet, which led Sarah to insist that I meet the other inpatients on my floor. There was time carved out each day for activities and she said tonight was a movie night.

I swallowed my irritation, allowing this kind nurse to guide me to the main hall.

As I approached, I could see that there was already a few people gathered around a large flatscreen tv. Most of their backs were to mine as the lights dimmed.

“Why don’t you take a seat over here.” Sarah pointed to a chair located in the back corner. I cautiously slid into the uncomfortable furniture. She must not have anticipated the movie to start so soon, but I didn’t mind. I would’ve rather taken a razor scooter to the ankle than introduce myself.

Sarah left me to enjoy the movie, but as the opening credits rolled, I felt a weird feeling starting to creep up inside me. It felt like someone was staring at me. I first glanced to my right, but everyone’s eyes were glued to the screen.

When I glanced to my left, that was when I felt my breathing slow to a stop.

There was a pair of beautiful grey eyes burning a hole straight through my skull.

••

Part Two

When our eyes locked, I felt my heartbeat quicken again just a moment later. And with the lights dimmed, it was difficult to make out more of his features… but those eyes were far from missable.

The glance only lasted a second. Someone to his left had tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. I immediately drew my gaze towards the television again, hoping to completely remove that awkward encounter from my memory. The movie that had started to play, was something I didn’t recognize. It looked family friendly enough, and I watched as a few staff members sat to join for moments at a time.

I had done my best to follow the plot of a movie. It was about a pug and a cat going on an adventure, which I strangely found amusing. About halfway through the movie however, I could feel a pair of eyes on me again. This time I chose to remain facing forward… but that feeling of being seen never left. It crawled across my skin, amplifying my anxiety.

This didn’t happen all that often, you know.

An attractive individual noticing me.

My mother liked to blame the poor dye job I gave my hair a few months ago when I attempted to turn it dark pink from a disgusting light brown… but then I’d have to ask what my excuse was before then. I couldn’t decide whether that was a conversation she didn’t want to have, or a conversation I didn’t .

As the movie’s climax fell into its resolve, I couldn’t help but steal another glance that man’s way. He was leant over whispering into the ear of the same person that had tapped his shoulder earlier. The one with bright orange hair. He had said something that made that gorgeous man release a low chuckle.

The darkness of the room gave me some sort of comfort. As if the lights would turn on and this beautiful man would realize just how ordinary every feature I had, was. Except for my hair, however. My mother made it her duty to consistently assure me that I was the only one on this planet with this hair color.

I fantasized about what I would even say if I had the courage to walk up and say hi. Lord forbid, he did . Of course my anxiety could never allow me to act on such things.

Instead, I managed to quietly slip away from the dark room, and out into the main hall. I wasn’t sure if I had needed to look for Nurse Sarah, but my capacity for human interaction had reached its maximum potential. As I passed by the first few doors, I noticed tittle name tags located in a card holder by the door frames. It took close to no time for me to find the door with Elizabeth Raleigh printed on its tag.

As I entered the room, I was immediately met with a chill. It was considerably colder inside this room, but I noticed there was a thermostat control against the back wall.

I didn’t have a say in what I ate, how I dressed, or even what I did… but at least I had control over the climate, I thought to myself.

There wasn’t much inside this bare room. A few extra pairs of scrubs were folded neatly on the chair next to the bed, along with some toiletries set on top. All I had the energy to do, was close the door behind me and climb onto this mattress.

Thus ensued the tiresome battle between sleep and I. The same battle I fought every night it tried to take over my spent self. Sleep brought nothing but nightmares these days, which was something I hadn’t quite learned to live with. Something I was too terrified to admit I’d rather die, than suffer through.

I laid awake for hours on the uncomfortable mattress that felt almost equivalent to the quality of one ply toilet paper. It rustled the same way my grandmothers couches did, with those thick plastic cushion protectors zipped up over the horribly disgusting print.

What an unpleasant memory.

There was nothing interesting about the ceiling, but tonight I was convincing myself it was the most captivating piece of art one could stare at. My eyes followed the grid pattern of the metal strips holding the thin ceiling tiles up. Though it kept me busy, I could feel my lids growing heavy with fatigue. I gave my decent arm a good pinch in an attempt to keep me up.

Could I remember the last time I had gotten more than a few hours of sleep? I highly doubted it. I now existed in a perpetual state of exhaustion.

My mother thought I was on drugs.

I tried to explain to her that I wasn’t sleeping well, but I think it was easier for my mother to conceptualize heroin use, as opposed to night terrors. That was just who my mother was, unfortunately. The type of person who wouldn’t bother to show up until it was your funeral, just to give one theatric eulogy on her version of your life. You can bet it would be the most inaccurate version to exist.

Real grave turning worthy.

I thought about what the next ten days would be like here. This would be the longest I’d ever gone without seeing my mother. Earlier today, I thought I may have been signing my life away… but now I was starting to think I was looking at this all wrong.

Some could see this as a vacation.

Was I a terrible daughter for thinking that way? I thought to myself. Or was my mother a terrible mother for making me feel that way? I was still trying to gauge where we were at on that scale.

My lids grew heavier… I tried to pinch myself again, but the energy wasn’t there. I had, once again, lost the battle to sleep.

There was a sound.

I had heard a sound.

Though I didn’t know what a gunshot sounded like, I knew that night that I had heard one. My heartbeat fell in line with the intensity of my pace, as my bare feet carried me across the freshly rained on grass. It was the same dream I had every night. The same nightmare.

I made it to the old rickety steps of the back porch, but when I finally reached the door, my hand froze above the knob. The only thing I could hear now was the vigorous pounding of my own heartbeat. It was getting louder, as patches of blackness overtook my vision. I was no longer standing on a porch, feet drenched in mud as I stared at the metal handle.

I was now standing in nothingness. The nightmare faded to black like the final act of a play. A felt a deep chill run through me, as that nothingness snuffed out the last of my existence.

That was when I woke up.

My body sprung to life, shivering yet drenched in sweat from head to toe. I was breathing heavily as my hands sprung out in a desperate attempt to grab hold of anything I could find. Once they latched onto a pillow, I brought the almost laminated material to my chest.

My vision attempted to adjust to the darkness of my room. The only light that shone through was the light from my doors window, and the bedside alarm clock. It informed me the time was now approaching two in the morning.

Lovely , I thought to myself. Just another few measly hours of sleep . I wondered what amount of energy that would get me for the day. My body was in no way recuperated, and sleep tempted me like a drink to a drunk… but I refused to let myself fall back into that dream.

That nightmare.

That… that nothingness.

Instead, I pulled off the sweat stained scrubs and replaced them with a dry pair. Then I slipped on some shoes located near the foot of the bed, and made my way out into the hallway. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I needed a distraction. Anything was welcomed at this point.

The aimless wandering proved to be just perfect for that. Most of the doors were closed, but I could see the activities set up through the wired windows. There was a specific room that held only instruments inside. A large grand piano located in the back corner, surrounded by acoustic guitars. I had gotten so distracted with this particular room, I didn’t notice that the room behind me had both its door open and someone inside. It was the sound of a throat being cleared that startled the living hell out of me.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” His voice carried out into the hallway. My body whipped around with incredible speed, but it came to a screeching halt when I was met with those same beautiful grey eyes.

Inside this well lit room, I could see every inch of him just fine. He ran his hand carelessly through his carbon black hair, causing more strands to tangle themselves. The length of the style was far past the point of needing a trim, but those chiseled features and light eyes helped him get away with anything. I was sure of it.

“I-It’s okay.” I replied, sounding just about as awkward as I looked.

He stared at me for a moment, not saying anything. I wasn’t sure if I had said something wrong with, like, the two words I’ve said to him in total so far… but he eventually cleared his throat again. “I’m sorry, would you like to join me?” He asked, gesturing to the chair beside him.

I was so distracted by the very essence of his existence, I hadn’t even noticed the room he was settled in. It was a library, one small and intimate enough for just two chairs located in the middle. For a moment, I tried to make out the piece of literature he had, wedged between his fingers… but I was still too far away to read the title.

He was wearing his own pair of scrubs, yet they looked way better on his larger frame than mine did on me. Those broad shoulders and toned arms gave me less psychiatric care unit , and more Calvin Klein runway.

“Oh- I, uhm I really-” I started to fumble through, but his voice interrupted me before I could finish my assault on the English language.

“I insist.” He replied, gesturing to the chair again.

There was something about him… something that made my feet carry me in his direction- far past my better judgement.

“Having trouble falling asleep? Or… just waking up?” He asked me. I took a seat in the empty chair besides him, adjusting my own scrubs as if these boxy outfits could show off any good features. I looked like a character from a nineties video game.

“Just waking up.” I replied. Something told me that he knew that, though.

“It’s a difficult thing, isn’t it? Getting back to sleep after a nightmare.” I watched as his long slender fingers slid a bookmark into the book he was holding, before setting it on the table between us. The title of the book was Inkheart.

I wasn’t sure how he knew I had a nightmare.

I must have still looked as frazzled as I felt.

That was when I realized I didn’t even have a mirror to check before leaving. My hair had to resemble a birds nest at this point. My fingers did their best to casually comb through the strands without him noticing.

His eyes momentarily glanced down at my bandaged left arm. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to guess what laid beneath the wrap, especially with being in the place we were now in, but he didn’t let his gaze wander that way again. I was grateful for his lack of shown interest.

“It’s just taking me some time to adjust.” I lied. He gave no indication that he believed any of what I just said. Instead, he gave me a small smile. The first smile I had seen grace his lips in my direction.

“It’s not the easiest place to adjust to.” He replied. He was playing along with my lie. I understood that now. We both knew my nightmares didn’t start here, or tonight.

I wasn’t sure what compelled me to ask. I probably shouldn’t have. I knew it wasn’t my place to… but my ridiculous self asked anyways. “How long have you been here?”

I watched that small smile waiver for a moment, but it returned just seconds later. “Why don’t we start with something easier, like first names?”

••

Part Three

I almost wanted to slap myself in the face as soon as those words left his lips.

How could I have been so bold to ask such a question, especially without knowing something as important as a name?

“Right, oh gosh you’re right- I’m sorry, I sh-”

He waived his hand in dismissal. “Don’t worry about it, really. My name’s Lucas- translating to ‘man from Lucania’. I can’t begin to tell you where that is, or what that means for me, but everyone seems to like to give a meaning to everything so I’m willing to play ball.”

I let his words sink in, cracking a grin at his comment. I had never heard of Lucania either, but somewhere out there one of my geography teachers was losing all respect for me.

“My name is Liz,” I replied, “but that’s short for Elizabeth. I don’t think I really know what Elizabeth means…” I allowed myself to trail off.

“Elizabeth.” Lucas repeated to himself. “I’m almost certain it’s something biblical.”

“ How lovely .“ I muttered without thinking. That made Lucas outwardly laugh, which stunned me for a moment. I hadn’t been expecting his outburst in the slightest, but his laughter cut through the quiet noise like someone had started blasting music.

Gorgeous, gorgeous music.

We were both silenced by someone appearing in the doorway to the room. I hadn’t noticed this nurse before, but I assumed she must have been part of the night staff.

“Well look at you two. Couldn’t sleep, huh?” She asked, pushing some of her lose curls that had come undone from her bun, behind her ear. Those dark brown curls complimented her pale complexion- it was very much the same complexion as Lucas. “I mean, you’re a regular Lucas, but this gal is new. What’s your name, love? I’m Nurse Jackie.”

I watched her flash me a smile, one stunning smile that deepened her jawline.

Sometimes the amount of beautiful someone was, just simply wasn’t fair.

“My name’s Liz.” I replied, offering a polite smile in return.

“My goodness Jackie, you’ve managed to get farther in the last 20 seconds than I’d gotten all evening up until now.” Lucas joked. “Leave some game to spit for the rest of us.”

That comment made my face heat up. I didn’t want to look too far into it, but Lucas was eluding to the fact that he had wanted to ask for my name earlier tonight. That simple confession was enough to spearhead a full blown crush into the works.

There was something there though, on nurse Jackie’s face. It only stayed for a moment before her lips twitched up into a smile, but I was sure I had seen something. A look that echoed something a little more than disapproval.

“Don’t bother this newcomer, Lucas. Let her get situated first.” Jackie warned him.

“You have my word, she’ll be back in bed before your next round.” Lucas replied. That seemed to put Jackie at ease. She gave us both a goodnight, lingering just a little longer before making her way back down the corridor. Lucas had already turned his attention back to me. “How much sleep have you gotten recently?” He asked me.

I wasn’t sure why that question felt so violating. Had he noticed the deep bags underneath my eyes? Who was I kidding, of course he had.

“Not that much.” I replied as vaguely as possible. I was hoping he wouldn’t ask about the nightmares. That was a conversation best saved for absolutely never.

“In our rooms, next to the temperature control, there’s a radio. I like to tune into some classical music to help me sleep at night. You can give that a try.” He offered. “I don’t mean to cut the conversation short, but nurse Jackie was definitely serious about us heading back.”

It was hard to shake that feeling of sadness as I pushed myself off the plush chair. Lucas wandered over to the nearest shelf and placed the book he had been reading back into an empty space. He didn’t bother to remove his bookmark from it. I wasn’t much of a reader myself, but some of the titles did catch my eye from a general glance.

It was difficult to determine what harbored more sadness- the fact that I couldn’t stay in this library and have a conversation with a stranger, or the thought of what I was returning to.

That dream. That nightmare.

“Could I walk you to your room?” He asked me.

“Is that allowed?” I countered in return. Lucas shrugged as he followed me into the hallway.

“Most likely not, but the nice thing about about the nighttime, is the short staff.” He replied with a grin. One I was positive I was now willing to brace all trials and tribulations to see again. So I let him walk me down through the woman’s wing. Our voices were low while we spoke, making sure to not wake some of those who still had their doors open.

My room was closer to the end of the unit, and when Lucas’s gaze caught sight of my name, his lips curled up into an easy smile again. “Elizabeth Raleigh.” He whispered to himself.

When he said it, he made it sound like a name worth saying.

“Very formal, I know.” I joked. Those grey eyes looked over at me, doing well to remind myself of our sudden proximity. Just being around Lucas made me feel like I was breaking every rule. The reality was, we were only breaking a few.

“I dunno,” he continued to whisper, drawing just a step nearer. That step made my heartbeat quicken with an unnatural rhythm. “Elizabeth Raleigh sounds like poetry. I think it’s fitting.”

That was when his eyes dipped down to my lips. The glance lasted just a fraction of a second before Lucas took a step back. I felt my body exhale finally. If I had held my breath for any longer, I would’ve passed out.

“I hope sleep finds you, Elizabeth Raleigh.” He spoke, turning to leave in the same direction we had come. “And don’t forget- classical music.”

I gave him a nod. “Goodnight.” That word wasn’t released as loud as I had hoped, but the look Lucas gave me as he turned around for just a moment, let me know that he had heard it.

Truth be told, I couldn’t figure out how to work the radio Lucas had spoken of. I tried. Lord knows I fucking tried, but the only noise coming through the speakers was static.

So I laid awake in bed, listening to static. I laid awake until I heard the first few rooms next to me open up. Two different nurses passed by my room, performing morning checks. I notice one of the nurses glanced inside my room through the window, but I was furrowed so far into the blanket, she couldn’t tell I was awake. She didn’t knock or anything, and continued on.

Breakfast would be starting soon, and I wondered if it was possible to skip the meal. Though I knew I needed the energy, I wasn’t sure I was up for the social gathering. If last night was any indication, there was more people in this unit than I had initially anticipated.

My answer came in the form of a knock on my door at around ten in the morning. I noticed through the window, it was Nurse Sarah, the same nurse I had seen yesterday. I was about to tell her to come in, but she opened the door anyways.

It was a great reminder that my privacy here was really a façade.

“Good morning Elizabeth! I was just checking in, it didn’t look like you joined us for breakfast this morning?”

I tried to pull myself up into a sitting position as Sarah took a seat on the edge of the bed.

“Are you feeling okay? I can have some breakfast brought here if you’d like.” She offered. I hadn’t even known that was an option. “You do have a therapy appointment with Doctor Gazoni at 10:15 this morning, but I’ll have something brought to your room once you return. I just wanted to make sure you were on track for that scheduled appointment.”

I stared over at Sarah blankly. Anyone who got a glance at me could tell I was in no way, shape, or form, on track with getting ready. Sarah must have caught on quickly from the look I was giving her.

“Oh right, my apologies. Due to the nature of how you arrived, I’m guessing Doctor Gazoni forgot to inform you of your schedule. It right on that desk over there if you’d like to take a peek. Times for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and activities are all on there.” Sarah pushed herself off the mattress with some difficulty.

The fact of the matter was that these beds were low, and Sarah’s knees most likely weren’t at their prime any longer.

“I’ll leave you to get ready, and hopefully you still remember where Doctor Gazoni’s office is. If not, just find one of us nurses and we’ll show you.” She gave me one more smile, before leaving the room.

Elizabeth…

Elizabeth…

“Elizabeth?” Dr. Gazoni repeated himself. When it finally registered that the name he was calling was my own, I quickly ripped my eyes away from the dark grey carpet to meet his.

“S-Sorry, what were you saying?” I asked him.

“I was asking how the adjustment was going. Nurse Jackie mentioned she ran into you in the early hours of the morning. I wanted to make sure you were sleeping okay.” Dr. Gazoni replied. “Did you need anything? Like melatonin, or some chamomile tea?”

Great , I thought to myself. Vitamins and herbs. What I really needed was some coffee… or cocaine.

“I’m fine, thank you.” I did my best to assure him. I refrained from saying more, however, Dr. Gazoni didn’t look like he believed me as is.

“We’ll have a therapy session scheduled for every day of your visit here. During these sessions, I’d like for you to be as open with me as possible. Remember that you’ve freely chosen to be here, and we cannot help you unless you want the help.” Dr. Gazoni reminded me.

I allowed myself to settle back into the couch across from him.

“Did you want to talk about that night?”

“No.” I rushed out immediately.

“I didn’t clarify which night, Elizabeth.”

“I don’t want to talk about any night.” I spoke firmly. “Not last night, not any night.” I felt my hands start to get clammy with sweat. I did my best to gently rub them dry against the cushion’s fabric, without Dr. Gazoni noticing.

“Okay.” He said gently. “That’s okay. Let’s avoid all nights in total for now then. Tell me about your days, are you currently attending classes, or working?”

This felt like a conversation I would’ve had with one of my relatives at a dinner I wanted no part of.

“It’s… fine.” I settled on. “I graduated high school this spring, but I haven’t started fall classes yet.” If I had it my way, I wouldn’t have been attending class at all. I hated school. My mother had asked me what else I would pursue if I didn’t get an education, and unfortunately, I didn’t have an answer for that.

So school it was.

I don’t think anyone just passing the ripe age of eighteen, should already know what they’re going to do with their lives. I think it’s even more insane to put the pressures of choosing a major that would inevitably cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees… at an age where they don’t even trust you with alcohol.

None of this made sense to me.

“What are you going to school for?” He asked. It was the trillion dollar question. Literally .

“Finance.” I replied.

“You don’t look too ecstatic about that.” Dr. Gazoni observed.

“That’s because I rather eat battery acid.”

That made Dr. Gazoni smile.

“Then why are you majoring in it?”

I stared at this man for a while. He and I both knew why. It was the same reason people were out there right now, forcing themselves into med school, law school, or any other long term profession their parents shoved down their throats and convinced them was necessary.

“My mother wanted me to.” I replied, with a statement he must have heard too many times to count. His facial expressions said he had. The sigh that slipped through those lips accurately encompassed my physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.

“Well, Ms. Raleigh, I hope by the end of these sessions you’ll realize that it’s some of the decisions your mother wanted, that may have gotten you here.”

••

Part Four

Therapy had left me confused.

Dr. Gazoni and I spent the entire session dancing around useless topics, and my general interests. Once the large hand on his clock truck twelve, and the timer went off, I let out one exasperated breath. This therapy session had been just about as pointless as I thought it was going to be.

So far, all Dr. Gazoni knew about me was that I liked the show Survival, and I played soccer growing up.

When I stood to leave, however, I noticed a smile playing at this Doctor’s lips. The look he was giving me didn’t seem as annoyed as the look I had, plastered on my face. Instead, Dr. Gazoni seemed… content.

This was the look I expected after spilling my guts and telling my treacherously long life story for the last half hour.

But that wasn’t what had happened… so I didn’t understand what warranted this.

“Thank you, Ms. Raleigh, for joining me today. I hope Nurse Sarah gave you a satisfactory explanation of the events scheduled during the day.”

If showing me where the schedule was, counted, then yes. I didn’t vocalize that to the doc however. Throwing Nurse Sarah under the bus like that wasn’t necessary.

“There are certain things expected of you. One of which would be to hopefully join the other patients for meals. I completely understand this will come in time with your adjustment to the facility… but do try to challenge yourself. Engagement with others can help the transition, however temporary it might be.”

I was doing my best to be polite, but Dr. Gazoni and I just weren’t on the same page here. I believed the best vacations were the ones where you were flying solo. Left to ride out the comfort with only the company of your own demons.

I had zero plans of trying to make friends here.

I couldn’t even begin to understand what that would look like.

But, nevertheless, I gave Dr. Gazoni the nod he so desperately needed, before he could let me go.

The vibrant colors and funky text was the perfect distraction from what that daily schedule really was… which was hell.

My first glance at this laminated mess made me realize a few things:

1. I had one opportunity this entire week to go outside,

And…

2. Group therapy was a thing, and it was mandatory.

“Then what the actual fuck is the point of one on one therapy.” I grumbled to myself, slipping the schedule inside one of the new notebooks stacked on the shelf behind my desk. A notebook was listed as a mandatory item for the group therapy, but I knew with every fiber of being inside me, that I wasn’t going to use it.

I still brought it though.

I held it tucked tight underneath my arm, as I searched for the room listed on the schedule. Room 101. The real confusing part was the fact that most communal rooms were numbered in what seemed to be a random order. I almost missed the room, if it wasn’t for a pair of pale eyes and black hair that caught my attention.

The afternoon light cast drastically through the open blinds of room 101, and with the door propped open, I was able to see inside. Lucas was one among many sitting gathered in a large circle. It looked like people were still getting situated, thankfully. My anxiety would’ve taken me out if I had to walk in and pull up a chair during the session.

That still didn’t stop me from looking about as awkward as ever as I tried to find a spot to sit. The room was somewhat quiet, with a few side conversations going between patients. Somehow, even during impatient therapy, I had found myself surrounded by cliques with me being the outcast.

I didn’t see any nurses in here, or someone that looked like a therapist, so I assumed whoever was orchestrating this whole thing must have been running late.

Lucas was the only person I recognized, besides the guy he was talking to during the movie yesterday. They were seated next to each other at the far end of the room, having a conversation. Lucas had an easy going smile. I could tell by the way his friend reacted, they were both joking about something.

Once Lucas’s eyes found mine however, he stopped talking completely. It forced me to do something- anything but stand and stare at him like the fucking creep I looked like. Instead, I noticed an empty chair a few people down, and made the quick decision to take a seat there.

In a few minutes some sort of leader was going to walk in here, and I did not want to be still standing, let alone standing and staring at that handsome man.

I tried not to look his way again after that. I had already made it too awkward. Luckily, someone at the entrance of the door saved me from further embarrassment.

“Well would you look at that!” Nurse Jackie smiled as she entered the room. “I got the perfect amount of chairs out and everything. I’m glad to see you all could make it.”

Her smile mesmerized me all over again.

“Now I know some of you guys are pros at what goes on around here, but we do have some newer folks joining, and a brand new face here today… so I’ll have to drag you all through the contents of yesterday one more time.” Jackie spoke as she lifted some binders that were on an empty chair, then took a seat there.

I heard a few people mock groan, which unexpectedly brought the cheesiest small smile to my lips.

“As I hope you all know, this room is for group therapy. It’s one of our more important activities incorporated into every one of your schedules, in hopes of opening a discussion amongst each other.” Jackie explained. “I like to think of this room as a safe space. Anything shared here, should be respected. Everyone sharing or listening, should be respectful.”

I forced my ears to pay attention, but I allowed my eyes to wander. The room was a mix of genders filled mostly with young adults much like myself, but there were some patients who seemed a little older.

Lucas was the only one I was drawn to. He was arguably the only one who’s features quite literally demanded attention. I wondered if others found his beauty as captivating as I did.

“Each session, I’ll bring a different topic of discussion that I would like each of you to try and engage with, or comment on. I do ask that you stay for the duration of the session, but if you at any time need to leave, it’s okay to allow yourself out. For today, I want to delve a little deeper into what we were talking about yesterday.”

Lucas had been listening in intently, but for a moment, his gaze broke away to catch mine. He offered me a smile before I could look away, letting me know he knew I was staring.

I suddenly became very interested in what Jackie was saying.

“Our topic of discussion yesterday was major life changes. This is something that can rock anyone, regardless of the stability their mental may or may not have. We spoke about adaptability to change, and steps we can take to allow a situation to pass through us- not become us.”

That part had made me listen in more, actually captivating a bit of my attention.

“I think every soul in this room can agree that life sucks. It effing sucks.” While I disapproved of the censorship, I appreciated Jackie’s attempts at keeping her approach edgy. “There are too many events that everyone says you have to plan for, without actually giving any sort of instructions on how to do so. For some of you, that was a birth of a child.

“We had two different perspectives shared by Cindy and Craig yesterday. Thank you again, both of you, for feeling comfortable enough to do that.” Jackie added. I saw both a man and a woman give her a nod.

One lady, who I guess was Cindy, seemed a little older. Maybe into her late twenties, early thirties. She had quite a pleasant smile, but it didn’t look like she showed it often. The same could be said for Craig, who had a rougher exterior. He looked even older than Cindy, maybe mid to late thirties.

“Cindy first gave us a look into her very real, very intimate battle with postpartum depression. After giving birth to her beautiful healthy boy, Cindy began to feel thick waves of displeasure. At first, she thought it may just be what they call the baby blues, and that her body was just learning to stabilize those moods… but over the next few weeks, Cindy began to really detach herself from what she thought was going to be some of the best moments in her life. This depression was brought on from hormonal imbalance, but the dark thoughts it implanted in her, had lasting affects.

“Craig also experienced postpartum depression after the birth of his baby girl this last year. Usually we associate postpartum with mothers, but more often than not, this major life event will trigger this depression in both spouses.”

Hearing that, made me eyebrows raise slightly. Up until now, I had made the rather ignorant mistake of thinking that whatever men experienced after a pregnancy, was just nerves. 

“When he first heard that his wife was pregnant, Craig was excited. A kid was what he thought he always wanted. The weeks after his girl was born, tested Craig in an entirely different way however. This wasn’t like Cindy, where her hormonal imbalance triggered a deeper depression… Craig’s depression was triggered by memories of earlier childhood trauma. It was the thoughts of what if’s that started to quickly eat away at him.

“Both Craig and Cindy made the great decision to attend therapy. Unfortunately, mental health is a continuous battle. Cindy and Craig, even after each of them welcomed their own child into this world, that depression still held on. Being here changes things, though. They’ve put the power of recover in their hands by doing so. For quite a few in this room, another major life change would most likely be school.”

I felt my eyes narrow with extreme suspicion, as Jackie continued. Did Dr. Gazoni tell Nurse Jackie about our therapy session earlier today?

As soon as the though crossed my mind, I almost laughed at myself. You’re not the only person struggling with a career path, Liz. Get over yourself.

“School will most likely always be one of the most complicated transitions in life. Whether you’re about to leave for college, or are returning to it. For some, it’s the relationship with the peers. For others, it’s the relationship with the curriculum itself. It’s difficult, trying find something to make a career out of that won’t suck the life out of you everyday.

“The fact of the matter is this: some people are born knowing what they want to do, some people have to work at it, and some people spend their entire lives searching for it.”

I almost grimaced at the thought of that.

Would I be that person?

Wasting my entire life away, searching endlessly for purpose?

“In my experience,” Lucas interjected, forcing me to pull myself away from those spiraling thoughts, “I’ve learnt that searching isn’t really a bad thing. You get to take a shot at anything… and more often than not, shooting is the funnest part.”

••

Part Five

I remained quiet for the duration of the therapy session.

Others did their part, joining in on the discussion when they saw fit… but it was Lucas’s words that stuck with me. Truly stuck with me. I’d venture to say, I hadn’t had something resonate with me in such a way before.

Maybe that was what slowed my pace to a stop as I exited room 101.

I couldn’t just leave those words as is. I needed an explanation. An elaboration, rather. I waited next to the door frame as I watched the rest of the patients clear out. I saw Lucas’s friend make his way down the hall first. He had a bit of a larger build, which made it easy for me to pick him out of the crowd. That, paired with his bright orange hair, was unmissable.

I noticed that Lucas wasn’t with him though.

When I glanced back into the group therapy room, that’s when I realized that he had stayed back. I was about to enter the room but stopped myself when Nurse Jackie said something to him.

“How are the moods?” Jackie asked. “Can I even trust that you’ll be honest with me?”

I rested back against the door frame, doing well to keep out of sight. This felt like a very private conversation. I didn’t want to interrupt… but I couldn’t pull myself away either. Lucas gave Jackie a grin. One full grin that practically stopped my heart entirely. It deepened the dimples in his cheeks, showing off that flawless set of teeth.

“I’m doing great, Jackie. I’m always doing great.”

The way he said those words. I don’t think I’d ever been so charmed before.

All that graced Jackie’s face however, was a frown.

“Are you taking your medication?” She asked him.

There wasn’t a falter in that smile as Lucas answered, “of course.”

That didn’t seem to do it for Jackie, however. “You need to be taking this medicine, Lucas. I know it’s not the greatest feeling at first-”

“I can’t get hard.” He interrupted her. I watched as his smile fell completely. So suddenly. It was such a jarring sight, I blinked a few times to make sure I hadn’t hallucinated the shift.

Somehow, Nurse Jackie didn’t seem as fucking whiplashed as I was about that sudden revelation either.

“I know it’s a transition-”

“I can’t get fucking hard, Jackie. My dick is broken.” Lucas gestured towards his crotch. “My mind is broken. I have vertically no stimulation on those drugs- Do you know how fucking numb that is? That emptiness. That… that nothingness .”

I felt myself take my first breath. I couldn’t tell you why my eyes had started to sting, but they did.

“I-I’m sorry, Lucas.” Nurse Jackie replied. They were the most simple words, but you could feel every ounce of hurt in them. I felt my eyes burn now with tears forming. Lucas didn’t reply to that, though. Instead, he picked up the notebook and pen he had set on one of the empty chairs, and left.

It was so sudden, I didn’t have time to hide anywhere. When he walked out, he started to head in the direction opposite to where I was. I thought maybe he hadn’t seen me at all, but he slowed to a stop a couple feet away.

Then he turned around.

“Listening in on private conversations around here is quite the punishable offense.” He spoke to me. I was so stunned into silence, I didn’t notice the tear that finally escaped the well, and started its decent down my cheek. Lucas studied me for a moment, before he spoke again. “Are you doing anything right now, Elizabeth Raleigh?”

I wasn’t sure where I found the courage, but I shook my head no.

“Would you fancy going on a walk with me?”

“Are you sure we’re allowed out here? I saw that we had scheduled outdoor time. I don’t think this is on my schedule.”

Lucas shrugged. “Would you rather be doing finger painting right now? Cause that’s probably what’s on your schedule.”

I leant back on the bench, taking in the fresh air. He was right.

“I- I’m sorry about earlier, I really hadn’t meant to-”

“It’s okay.” He interrupted. “I was just teasing you about the punishment thing. Plus everyone knows it’s not a private conversation if the door’s open.” He gave me a grin that made me smile. “Were you waiting for Nurse Jackie?”

I shook my head no. “I was, um- I was waiting for you, actually.” That made Lucas’s eyebrows raise in slight surprise.

“Is that so? I’m happy to know I’ve still got some charm to me. Even after my limp dick comment.”

That made me look away. My body was already going into cardiac arrest as is. I didn’t need this today. “I wanted to talk to you about something you said in group therapy. About taking a shot on something…. but, now that I think about it, it’s probably really stupid.” I sort of trailed off, losing whatever courage I had to continue.

“I highly doubt that.” Lucas replied. “Through the few moments we’ve spoken, I don’t think you’ve said anything stupid. And trust me, I’ve heard stupid.” He sent me a wink that simultaneously calmed and shook my nerves all in one go.

“I just-” I took a pause. “How do you know? Like what to take a shot at, that is. Where do you start?”

For some reason, that made Lucas smile.

“What an intelligent question.” He said, as he shifted closer towards me on the bench. It caught the eye of one of the staff members that was watching the other patients roam about. Lucas didn’t shimmy any closer, though. “I hate to say this, but the answer isn’t nearly as impressive, my dear Elizabeth Raleigh. No one can tell you where to start, but a good place is anywhere .”

I frowned at Lucas’s words. What kind of answer was that? Before I could truly find out, we heard the sound of a whistle pierce through the air.

“Now that, m’lady, would be our signal to head on inside.” Lucas announced. It was difficult to conceal my look of disappointment as I thought about being confined to those plain walls again.

I had messed up the breakfast and lunch schedule due to the therapy sessions, and my unwillingness to go. When dinner came around, I still wasn’t feeling it. The food wasn’t bad, but I didn’t want to have to figure out where to sit, and who to converse with.

I just wanted to be left alone.

But not alone , alone.

Lucas must of had some extra things scheduled in, because I didn’t see him the rest of the evening. I didn’t even see him for the movie after dinner. It sucked not having that to look forward to, but I told myself to pull it together. Even if I was doing this just to please my mother, Lucas was here to get better.

Everyone here was… right?

Maybe that was why I felt so against sitting for meals and conversing. I had nothing of value to say.

Bedtime came just like it always came. Quickly, and uninvited. I tried my hand again at the radio Lucas told me about, but all I received was that static signal. At this point, the thing had to be broken or something.

I took my first position in bed. This time I sat up straight, staring at the wall in front of me. Laying down proved to be futile yesterday, so we were taking a different approach today.

Unfortunately, the wall was even more boring than the ceiling was.

I tried to think about anything.

Everything.

I thought about what Lucas had said with essentially taking a stab in the dark. I wasn’t even sure why I had asked the question, in all honestly. The likelihood that I would follow through with changing majors, was slim to none. This was what was easiest for everyone.

Finance.

But still, I hung on to the what if’s. I wondered what happiness laid there. What if I had pursued something sporty?

Mmm , just the thought of that threw me off. Sporty definitely wasn’t my thing.

What about Art?

I didn’t really have much artistic talent to begin with. I remembered building toy cars with my father when I was younger, but he always had the sturdier hand. I would just watch him do most of the work, and wait to play with it once he was done.

This whole debate felt familiar, like I had juggled all these possibilities before.

You won’t know you like something unless you try something, my fathers words whispered in the back of my memory. He spoke so much about finding true passion and happiness all those years ago.

It often made me wonder when he lost his.

Sleep was a temptress. She first placed weight on my shoulders, pressing gently. Telling me slouch a bit. Making me think such lies, like how my head would feel as if it’s floating on a cloud if I placed it on this laminated pillow.

What it really would’ve felt like, was my head on a fucking laminated pillow.

But she knew that. And she also knew I was too tired to care.

Somehow, my vision had gone from the wall… to the metal grid of the ceiling… to blackness itself.

••

Part Six

The dream started like it always had.

Just like that day.

It was the day that the storm rolled through. One terrible rain storm that had woken me up suddenly during the night. I recalled the noise of a long tree branch that would tap against my bedroom window when the wind willed it to. Father promised one day that he’d chop it down.

That day, of course, never came.

“It’s just a little Mother Nature.” My father said, kissing the side of my head. “But I promise it will all roll over. It’ll all be over soon.”

I tried to focus my vision on him, yet in this dream, the room was almost pitch black. All he was, was a dark shadowy entity sitting next to me.

Those were the last words my father said, before he tucked me back in bed that night. I must’ve fallen asleep sometime after, because when I awoke again, it was the piercing sun through the light blinds that nudged my lids open.

Things were becoming clearer now. I could see my night stand to the side of me. My room started to materialize before my very eyes. “Liz!” My mother knocked on my door again. I wasn’t sure how I knew she had knocked before, but I did.

“Come in.” I called to her, turning towards the door. As she entered, I noticed that the version of my mother who stood before me now was much younger.

I hadn’t dreamt about this part before. I was sure of it.

It was startling to see how much she had aged since this specific moment in time. She said something to me, but I couldn’t hear her.

I tried to say something, myself… yet only silence fell past my lips.

She then turned around and left, closing the door behind her. I got up quickly in an attempt to follow her. When I glanced down to turn the handle, I realized that the handle itself had changed. It wasn’t the same as the one for my bedroom door anymore.

This was now the the handle for the back porch door.

Instead of my bedroom floor beneath me, I was standing on the top step of the porch. My feet were barefoot, and muddy with wet dirt. I slowly lifted my head up, not sure what I was expecting. Once I began to look around, it was pretty evident that I was no longer in my bedroom.

Those three other walls were gone now. I was right back outside that same morning, staring at the door to house. We’d reached this exact spot again, where my dreams would abruptly end.

My hand remained hovered above the handle, not daring to turn it.

I just stood there. Staring.

It was the last thing implanted in my memory before everything faded to back to black. A repeat of complete darkness.

That deep familiar chill returned, jolting me awake. This time my breathing sounded like I had just ran a marathon. My hands shot out at both sides of the twin mattress, gripping the edges firmly. Or at least they tried to… the mattress cover just made my fingers lose their grip over the sheet.

I did everything I could to control myself.

Control my breathing.

Control my being.

The room was dark, but light from the corridor spilled through the check-in window that was built into my door. It allowed me to see a bit of my surroundings. I noticed the time on my beside said it was now approaching 3:15 in the morning. That same corridor light also peeked through the crack underneath the door, allowing me so see something else.

There was a hot pink piece of paper that had been slipped underneath.

As curiosity inevitably struck, I began the treacherous process of separating both me and my drenched scrubs from these bed sheets. I wasn’t sure how the excessive sweating started, and I was even less educated on how to stop it, but what I did know was that it was absolutely disgusting.

As soon as I made it off the bed, I stripped myself of the drenched material and pulled over some new scrubs. Once I felt more comfortable with the dry material on, I then went over to investigate this bright pink piece of paper further.

It was a piece the width of a regular sheet of paper, but it was folded in half, then torn down the middle.

It read:

If you see this, let’s hope it’s still night time. Meet me in the corridor between room 101 and the cafeteria. Avoid those pesky nurses, and we might make it out of here.

Lucas

My eyebrows furrowed deep in confusion as I l read the first half… then a small smile played on my lips as I read the name scribbled at the bottom. I had absolutely no idea what Lucas had meant by making it out of here , but I was already wondering what time he must have slipped it under the door…

And whether he was still there, waiting.

My fingers pushed the note deep into my pants back pocket, and was about to reach for the door, when I heard the voice of someone slowly approaching.

“I’ll be outta here by seven, Jason. You can come over then… What do you mean you won’t be turned on then? It’s just a few hours… What do you mean- are you fucking high?” That last part sounded every bit as nasty as this woman had intended in that hushed voice of hers. “What do you mean who has sex in the mornings? Literally every couple supposedly dating, ever-”

Through the little snippet of conversation I overheard from the person approaching, it sounded like a woman was on the phone with a guy named Jason. I guess he didn’t fancy sex in the mornings?

It must’ve been a nurse or something , I thought to myself. Patients surely weren’t allowed to bring cellphones in.

Lucas’s warning stuck with me, however. I moved quickly, sprinting back to the bed before the nurse could make it to my room. I was about to crawl under the covers until I realized that they were still drenched.

Fuck , I thought to myself.

The quickest thing I could think of, was bunching up the blanket to make it look like someone was still curled up sleeping inside of it. I didn’t even have time to check its form before I dashed back to the wall adjacent to the door. My back was flush against it, keeping me out of sight as a shadowy figure approached.

“You’re such a prick, Jason. Literally like an entire douchebag.”

I could hear the nurse’s words clear as day now. She was standing just outside my door. My eyes never left the shadow her figure cast, until I watched her steps slowly carry her further down the hall.

That made me release a shaky breath I didn’t even know I was holding. I wasn’t sure why I was that concerned in the first place. It wasn’t like this nurse was paying any attention to her duties.

I hadn’t actually realized until I made it to the cafeteria, that there seemed to be very minimal staff on site tonight. The first person for me to lay my eyes on since leaving my room, was Lucas himself. He was standing at the entrance to a familiar hallway, peeking around the corner as if he was on lookout.

When his eyes made contact with mine, a smile spread across his lips instantly. I hurried over to him, eager to get my exposed self out of the main hallway under all these bright florescent lights.

“You made it.” He whispered. I gave him a nod.

“Have you been waiting here all night?”

Lucas started to shake his head, then he paused. “I don’t think it’s been more than fifteen minutes or so. I was prepared to camp out here till five in the morning before giving up.”

That made me smile. I couldn’t say I’d ever had the luxury of being waited on before.

“Where are we going?” I asked, as he started to lead us down a more secluded hallway. It was the same hallway I’d seen a few nurses go down once it was time for their break.

“Well, I’ve been itching to spend time in a place that isn’t as heavily watched as Alcatraz,” Lucas replied. We turned a corner down another hallway. This one had a door with one of those bright exit signs located right above it.

I watched as Lucas pulled something out from his front pocket of his pants. It was hard to make out what it was in the poorly lit hallway, but once he raised the plastic card to the exit doors scanner, I got a better understanding.

When Lucas had said we were getting out of here, I guess he seriously meant that we were getting out of here . “Lucas, I don’t that’s a good-” I started to protest. My words were cut off by the door being swung open. I wasn’t sure what I expected to see, but I noticed almost immediately that we were staring out at the outdoor activity’s area.

The light poles I noticed earlier, now had a warm glow to the top of them, that lit up the same path Lucas had walked with me down earlier. Everything seemed just a little less lively now, with the dark knight sky as its backdrop.

“Don’t worry, Ms. Raleigh, I’m not completely breaking you out tonight. Unfortunately, the only way to walk out of here is to walk out a free man.” Lucas assured me. The smile he sent my way, propelled me forward.

He led us back down the same path. I could already see the familiar bench coming into view. There was a light pole directly above it, illuminating the richness of the wood. The bench was definitely a newer installment to this enclosed yet open area.

Lucas went ahead and took a seat on the far edge of the bench. I took a seat beside him, watching as he started to dig through his pockets for seemingly more surprises. He pulled out a box of what looked like Marlboro Reds, and a small lighter. I watched him pop open the cardboard carton to remove two long cigarettes with the distinct orange filter. He fingers grabbed them and extended one over to me.

I hesitantly took hold of it. This was a fantastic surprise, but… “how did you-” I started to ask, then I stopped myself.

Lucas had managed to gain an access card, after all.

“These would be compliments of Nurse Jackie. Same with the door key I so desperately needed if I was to have a few moments alone. Well, I guess not alone alone.” He finished.

That made me smile. Everything that tumbled past this man’s lips had the ridiculous ability to make me smile.

He brought his cigarette to his lips before igniting the flame of the lighter. It was a sound I hadn’t heard for quite some time. What a comforting sound , I thought, in such an unfamiliar environment.

He inhaled. I watched closely as his chest raised, and the red burn traveled further up the cigarette. He then turned to me, balancing the cigarette between his lips as one hand covered the flame still ignited by the other.

I set the filter between my own lips and leaned further towards Lucas. As I inhaled, I felt the immediate relief of that first puff. The smoke traveled through my lungs, delivering a cooling sensation in its wake.

Once I pulled away, Lucas let the flame go out. He then went back to attend to his own cigarette.

“Looks like another night of restless sleep.”

I took a second inhale, deciding that was how I could buy myself some time, while I thought of a response to that. I could tell him about the nightmares, but if that wasn’t something I felt comfortable sharing with my shrink, I doubt it would be something I felt comfortable sharing with this gorgeous stranger.

“Now I propose we play a game. One where I’ll do something I don’t usually do…” He said, turning slowly towards me again. “I’ll be honest .”

••

Part Seven

“The game itself will be quite simple. I’ll allow you to ask a question that shall be answered with complete honesty. In return, you let me ask a question of my own.” Lucas explained. I watched as he pulled another strong hit from his cigarette, enthralled by how this man could look so beautiful doing something so average.

It almost distracted me from his proposal. Almost .

I pondered the offer. It was enticing to say the least, but Lucas knew that. He knew I had an entire sea of questions I could very well never gain the courage to ask.

“How do I know you’ll be honest with me?” I asked him.

“How do I know you’ll be honest with me ?” He countered with a grin. Touché , I thought to myself. “We’ll just have to do something completely insane, Ms Raleigh- like trust each other.”

That made me smile.

“To showcase my commitment to this game, I will let you ask me a question first.” He continued.

I remained quiet another moment, thinking of the best question to ask him. I didn’t want to start with something too personal in fear that Lucas might change his mind about playing. Of course I wanted to know about his story, and why he was here… but if he told me his, there was a strong chance he’d ask about mine. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that conversation quite yet.

“What career are you trying to pursue?” I asked finally. As soon as those words left my mouth, I instantly grimaced. I sounded like my fucking mother.

Lucas’s eyebrows raised slightly at that question himself. “That’s an interesting start, Ms. Raleigh. It almost leads me to believe that you may be dancing around more serious questions, but for tonight… for you , I’ll entertain it.” He brought the cigarette to his lips again for another drag, before blowing the clouded smoke back out into the universe. “Now I must warn you, Elizabeth, you’re not going to like this answer. What you’re looking for is direction, and that’s something neither I nor anyone else can give. We’re all really just chickens running around with our heads hacked off. Direction is subjective, and I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to go nowhere fast . The only thing I’m actively ever chasing is life itself. Everything that follows is semantics.”

I didn’t say anything for a while, as I allowed his words to be absorbed. Surprising even myself, I realized that I wasn’t as disappointed with his answer as I thought I was going to be. Sure, it didn’t give me much information about Lucas… but didn’t it? He had told me in the nicest way possible, to stop imposing direction upon everyone- including myself.

“I hope you didn’t feel like you wasted a question.” Lucas joked, chuckling lightly. “I swear, I answered it as honestly as I possibly could.”

I slowly shook my head. “Not as all.” There was an immediate burning sensation on my thigh that made me jump. I had gotten so distracted, I forgot to ash my cigarette. My hand quickly dusted off the remaining ashes, revealing the small hole it had created in the maroon scrubs.

“I guess it’s my turn, then.” Lucas announced, making sure to ash his own cigarette. “My question for you is… how bad are the nightmares?”

Once again Lucas had caught me off guard. I had gone in with something light, presuming he might do the same. Clearly I was wrong.

“I uh-” I started to protest, then stopped myself short.

The easier question was a choice I had made of my own accord. I could’ve asked something more grittier, but I didn’t… and that was on me. If Lucas was serious about being honest, then I couldn’t jeopardize the chances I might now have to get to know him more. “They’re… they’re not great.” I settled on finally. “I’m tired a lot, which makes it difficult to do things during the day.”

Lucas turned to face me again. “Did you try the radio?” He asked.

I gave him a nod. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure mine in my room is broken or something.”

“I’d definitely let Nurse Jackie know. She should be able to get someone to check that out for you. How long do you plan on staying?” he asked.

“Technically that’s two questions.” I countered.

Lucas’s grin widened as he replied with “touché. Then ask away.”

Knowing that this gorgeous man wasn’t going easy on me, I went in with a heavy hitter. “How long have you been here for?”

Lucas took another hit from his cigarette before continuing. “This time around, I’ve been here for six days.” That immediately spiked my curiosity.

“This time around?” I asked.

“That’s two questions.” He countered.

I released an unexpected laugh. I guess he was right. “Alright then, ask away.”

“How long are you here for?” He asked. That was a simple enough question to answer.

“I admitted myself for the full ten days. I have eight days left.” I explained. It was crazy to think that two day had already passed since I got here. Time moved entirely different when you were disconnected from the outside world. “How many times have you admitted yourself here?”

That made Lucas chuckle. “This would be my fifth time, believe it or not.” My eyes grew large at that. “I’ve gotten pretty familiar with the staff. So much so, I know when I can swipe one of these.” He dug into his pants pocket to retrieve the access card again. Things sort of made more sense now, but I was still largely taken aback by this revelation. I wondered what his situation was, and what had made him admit himself every time. “All those questions, Ms. Raleigh. I can see them conjugating in that gorgeous mind of yours. The rules are too critical to ignore however, therefore I must go next. My question for you is, what are your nightmares about?”

It was a plummeting feeling as soon as those words were said. I knew he was going to ask about it sooner or later… but I was really banking on it being later.

Regardless, we were here now. We were having this conversation now. I was just hoping speaking with Lucas would be easier that getting through it with Dr. Gazoni. Or my mother.

“I- I have the same dream.” I spoke hesitantly. “I dream about a specific day, many years ago. It was the one day that didn’t go anywhere near as planned. Before my dream can go past a specific scene, everything simply disappears.” I recalled that cold chilling feeling of nothingness, when my surroundings faded to black. “It’s… It’s haunting. Then I wake up covered in sweat and-” I stopped myself short. Lucas definitely didn’t need to know those details.

“That’s-… that sounds terrifying.” He replied. The look in his eyes made me feel heard. At first, I didn’t understand why Lucas’s acceptance of my situation rocked me so heavily, but then I guess it means more to have someone who wasn’t getting paid to, to validate your feelings. “How long have-” Lucas started, then caught himself.

“The rules.” I noted simply.

“The rules.” He nodded, agreeing.

“How did you find yourself here the four other times?” I asked.

Lucas grasped at his chest in a dramatic way. “My goodness, all these difficult questions. Are you sure you’re not interested in hearing about my Pez dispenser collection?”

I shook my head no, yet couldn’t help but laugh. Something told me this man was probably dead serious about having a Pez dispenser collection.

“Well then, if you insist.” He joked. “I have someone I care about who wants to see me get better. I promised them I’d keep fighting until I simply couldn’t anymore, so here I am. Back for round five.” I watched him take another drag from his cigarette which was close to being finished now. I thought he may have been done giving his awfully vague answer, but as he released the breath of smoke, he continued. “Some months are good months. Those are the months I thrive in, when I can apply myself best… Take on new projects… Try . But then, like us all, I have the bad months. The months I barely manage to exist in. When those months get worse than bad, I come here.”

My cigarette was close to ashing on myself again, but I caught it last minute before it could. Listening to Lucas though, it was work sometimes. Everything he said sounded surface level, but when you caught a glimpse of those eyes, you saw the most heartbreaking pain encompassed within them- even if just for a moment.

I didn’t know how to react to that.

“I-” I started to say, then caught myself. Lucas was quick to wave it off.

“Don’t worry about that, Elizabeth. Everyone here has a sob story. It’s why we’re all here, isn’t it?” He gave me a smile, one so wholesome, it completely vanquished that pain from his eyes. Now I couldn’t tell if I had seen it to begin with. This man had a way of making me feel crazy, and sane, all in one go. “Now that we’ve made it back around to my turn here, I have to ask what the details of that day was.”

My heart plummeted further. I didn’t think that was possible, considering I thought it already dropped to my stomach. This question was almost inevitable, but somehow I convinced myself we wouldn’t get here. “It’s- it starts off in the morning, that morning-” I paused a moment, debating whether the date was relevant to include. I decided to anyways. “It was April 23rd, 2010. There was a storm the night before that left a mess in its wake the following morning.”

I thought about that morning again. I had ran out into the forest to look for critters that were flooded out from the dirt. My mother and father always let me play alone out that way as long as I stayed in sight of the house. The forest was deep enough to wander, but not deep enough to find yourself lost.

“I went out into this woodland area behind my house that morning. I was a bit of an explorer, and wanted to see what damage the storm caused. It was that same morning when I heard it-” I stopped myself again, remembering that moment. The sound of a gun shot.

Up until that morning, I had never heard a gun go off before… but every strand of hair stood at attention when the crisp noise pierced through my ears.

“I heard a shot.” I forced out. “I- I just remember abandoning my things in the woods, to sprint back towards the house.” I could still feel the muddiness between my toes with every step I took that morning. The feeling never went away. “In my dream, I’ll finally make it the back porch, and my hand will reach out for the knob… but I won’t open it. That’s usually when things go dark, and I wake up.” I explained.

“What happened on that actual day?” Lucas asked me. I was going to protest about that being a second question, but I guess perhaps, in some way, it was just a repeat of his first.

“I went inside.” I told him. He was watching me so intently, I was gazing at everything but at him. One of the light poles had started to flicker above us. “I went inside to investigate. My mother had run to the market that morning while my father continued working in his study. I decided to check out his study first, which I found locked. He often did that when he got very consumed by personal projects.

“The thing about his study, was that it could be easily unlocked with a toothpick or needle. I went to go find one in the kitchen.” My memory carried me back to that morning. My small feet had left mud prints all around the house in my wake. It was the first thing my mother had addressed when she returned later that morning. “Once I was able to get his office unlocked, I-” my voice caught unexpectedly in my throat. This memory was one I tried to bury with my father. “I-um, he had-… h-he had shot-”

“Hey now,” Lucas whispered far more gently now, “you’ve answered more than enough. I’m alright with you skipping out on a few details.”

••

Part Eight

A large lump had started to form in my throat. It felt like I was close to tears, but I held them back. Lucas had already see me cry in front of him once. We both didn’t need that again.

“It’s your turn to ask me something so invasive and personal, it breaks me.”

That made the edges of my tips twitch up into a small smile. I didn’t even know what I wanted to ask him anymore. I just let the first thing that came to mind, flow out of me. “When were you at your lowest?” I asked Lucas.

For some reason, he smiled. “Very invasive, I like it.” I watched him take the last drag from his cigarette, before he tossed it to the floor and killed the butt with his heel. “If I’m being honest, I’ve had a few suicide attempts. Each time, I hit my lowest. I guess you can say me and my lowest are well acquainted. Since you shared something very personal, Elizabeth, I’ll answer one other question I’m sure you’re dying to ask.” That perked me up a bit. “The person close to me is my brother. He’s found me every time, and he’s the reason I’ve checked myself in each time after.”

His words marinated, allowing me to paint a better picture of the man I was speaking with. I actually couldn’t tell if this painting was better. I couldn’t tell what this painting was anymore. Now I realized just how little I truly knew.

“What are you most afraid of, Ms. Raleigh? What’s really keeping you up at night?”

“Those are two questions.” I told him.

“Are they?” He asked. “Or is the second a reiteration of the first?”

I leant back against the back rest of this bench, allowing myself to process that. Luckily my cigarette was pretty much done as well, and the act of putting it out bought me some time to think.

What was I most scared of? I thought. Somewhere deep inside, I knew. I’d known since the morning I found my father. I knew every damn day since then, but saying it aloud only amplified the fact that I was thinking it, and that terrified me to my core.

Still, it was a question- a valid one at that. And Lucas’s honesty deserved to be reciprocated.

“I’m afraid that I didn’t do enough.” I said so softly I almost wasn’t sure whether those words were actually spoken. Lucas’s eyes softened immediately. “I’m afraid that I may have missed signs. That I ignored his silent pleas.”

“If I may give some input, Elizabeth… I believe you’re being entirely too hard on yourself.”

I glanced back over at Lucas. I expected something along those lines, but his words held far more weight than, say, that of a guidance counselor. Maybe I was giving an average man too much credit?

As my eyes studied his distinct features, soaked in his chosen words, I quickly banished that thought. There was nothing average about Lucas.

“But you’re not entirely at fault with those beliefs. I just believe that your outlook on depression is flawed, which while I want nothing more than to dive into with you tonight, we really should be heading back. Usually security gets an alert if one of the nurses is out here past the scheduled break time.”

Lucas was quick to hop to his feet. He extended his hand towards me. I was hesitant to take it, remembering the no contact rule that was supposedly strictly enforced… but then I remembered just how alone we were tonight.

I slid my hand into his, which was just as chilly as my own, and allowed for him to guide us back down the path. He didn’t let go of my hand as we walked. “If you’d like, I’ll let you ask one more question before we forfeit our privacy for the remainder of the night.”

That made me light up. I really let myself think about this one. And when I was sure about it, I finally asked, “are you taking your medication?”

That made Lucas slow to a stop a few feet away from the door. He turned to me with my hand still in his.

“Do you really want to know?” He asked me.

“Yes.” I replied, nodding as I watched him take a step towards me.

“Are you sure?” He asked. The way he said those words made my heartbeat start to quicken. I couldn’t tell if it was the poorly lit area, or if his eyes had darkened as he took yet another small step towards me. The unsureness of what he was going to do next engaged me in ways I didn’t know to be possible.

“Y-Yes.” I practically croaked out.

“I could show you, Elizabeth. If you’d like.” His voice was much lower now, and that last step he took made me cease to breath entirely. All I mustered was a nod, as my mind spiraled with possibilities.

That was when he closed the remaining distance between us, and brought his lips to mine. His fingertips were cold against my jaw as he held me gently, but I didn’t mind. When he moved those lips against my own, I felt a shudder suddenly rip through me. He tasted like Marlboro Reds, as did I, and that was something that drew me in further to him.

His other hand steadied me at the base of my back. I could feel every jolt, and when his teeth grazed my bottom lip, an unexpected moan slipped past me. That made Lucas pull me even closer into him as our kiss became more than what it perhaps was meant to be. Or perhaps not. One of his legs had slid in between my own, and when I felt him pressed flush against my body, I could feel his arousal through his scrubs.

That was when he unexpectedly pulled away, leaving me my lips swollen and my breaths shallow.

“I hope I answered your last question of the night, to the fullest of my capacity.” He whispered equally breathless as he made his way to the entrance door. “Now, let’s get you back to bed before anyone notices that I stole you away.”

Lucas escorted me to my room just as he had done the first night. I wanted to touch him again, with my body still reeling from our encounter outside… but neither Lucas nor I took that risk. “Goodnight, Elizabeth.” He said to me before I entered my room.

“Goodnight.” I replied with, watching as he slowly turned to head back down the hallway. I slipped back into my room and closed the door behind me. Everything was just how I had left it not even thirty minutes ago.

Something compelled me to walk over to the radio again. I fumbled with the circular knobs, flipping through nothing but static before low music came through one of the stations. It was still kind of staticky, but through that white noise, there was the melody of a symphony.

“This will have to do.” I thought aloud.

I was goin to crawl back under the covers until I realized that they were still wet. That left me with no other option than to sleep on top of my comforter.

I had issues with calling this thin piece of fabric a comforter to begin with, but tonight it was all I had.

As I laid down, listening to the soothing music, I thought about tonight. About Lucas. Regardless of how hard I tried, I just couldn’t crack him. For moments tonight, he showed some of the most raw vulnerability I had ever seen anyone show… yet he did so in such a closed way.

How could someone reveal everything and nothing about themselves, at once?

It felt like I had stumbled upon a problem that had no answer.

The thought of sleep terrified me, like it always had. The thought of reliving that day again… I didn’t understand why I was being punished like this. Why now? Why all these years later?

Much like all the questions I had for Lucas, nothing was answered… yet the sleep I fell back into was the most comforting I had had in over a year.

I didn’t dream like the other nights. Tonight, all there was, was quiet. I wasn’t sure what had made things different this time around. A part of myself wanted to think it was the music, the melody itself that seeped its way into my dream… but there was something else there. That same lightness I felt after I confessed to Lucas the timeline of events on that treacherous day.

A part of myself knew that that confession alone had done something to keep my monsters at bay… or maybe that confession was what brought those monsters forward. What forced me to face them head on.

It was one of the many questions I didn’t think would be answered. Regardless, as the light flooded through my bedroom window the following morning, I felt revived. Recuperated. I felt energy I didn’t know I had. Energy I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again. For once, the light wasn’t blinding.

It was warm.

I sat up slowly, allowing myself to adjust to the brightness. Surprisingly, I hadn’t gotten cold at night without the comforter. I was grateful I wasn’t waking up in another pool of sweat as well.

My room looked the exact same it had the past few days. I’d managed to dodge arts and crafts, compliments of Lucas, but now I wondered what a painted picture would look like on these bare walls. Maybe I’d try one today.

As my eyes glanced back towards the closed door, I noticed there was another note which had been slipped under it. I scrambled out of bed, eager to see what Lucas had left for me now.

The note was written on the other half of the paper he tore to write the first note on.

As I opened it, this is what it read:

Elizabeth Raleigh.

The girl that changed everything and nothing, all at once.

I’m writing this note to you as a courtesy. I hadn’t planned on leaving one, but like I said, you changed things Elizabeth. As I sit here, I realize there was something I wanted to tell you. Something I wanted to say to you last night… and something you’ll desperately need to hear from me directly this morning…

It’s not your fault Elizabeth Raleigh.

Whatever love you thought you could’ve given, wouldn’t have been enough. Loving someone with sadness they have no control over is much like loving someone with cancer. It’s a disease that eats away at a person, most often regardless of the love they’re surrounded by.

If only love was the cure, eh? How simple that would be.

I’ll ask you to do one more thing for me, Elizabeth. One thing that would bring me nothing but eternal joy. One thing that will let my soul rest easy-

Please don’t make this about you.

It was a pleasure to get to know you Ms. Raleigh, even if it was just for a moment. I’m starting to understand that’s all we’re made up of these days.

Moments.

So thanks for making my last few so enjoyable.

Lucas

I stared at the letter, unsure of what to do as my eyes started to burn with tears. I didn’t understand what was happening… or maybe I did… and I didn’t want to. My now shaking hand reached for the handle of my room, and when I finally managed to yank it open, I was face to face with Nurse Jackie.

There were tears streaming down the sides of her face that she quickly tried to wipe away, further solidifying what I had felt deep down to be true. “Did Lucas leave?” I asked her. My voice was shaking scratchy, foreign to myself, but I had to hold on to something- to the thought that Lucas maybe just ran away. That he hadn’t truly left .

But Nurse Jackie slowly shook her head no as more tears streamed down her already stained cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “Lucas, he’s… he’s gone.”

••

Part Nine

I was frozen in place, unsure of what to do. Nurse Jackie stepped inside, and closed the door quietly behind her. She then took a seat on my bare desk.

“The uh-” she started. Her voice got caught inside her throat for a moment. “They found him in his room. He had-” she inhaled sharply. “Did you two take my door key, lighter, and carton of cigarettes?” She asked.

I felt my heartbeat pick up in speed. “I- we- I didn’t at all, I swear I just-” the tears were now streaming down my face. I wasn’t sure I even knew when they started to fall.

Nurse Jackie did something unexpected. She pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m sorry, I know. Lucas most likely snagged them when I wasn’t paying attention. He’s always- he was always-” I felt her choke up again as she slowly released me from her embrace.

For a moment there, the hug put a bandaid on the now gaping gash I had straight through my fucking heart.

“I don’t- I don’t understand.” I whispered out.

To who? I didn’t fucking know.

Maybe it was my silent plea to the universe to please explain why . For once.

“He wasn’t taking his medication.” She explained. “We found a stash buried into the seam of his mattress.”

I thought about the question I had asked him mere hours ago…and the way he had shown me he wasn’t on the medication. I was so distracted by the exhilarating kiss, I didn’t place two and two together when he pressed his hard on against me.

“We struggled with finding medication that didn’t alter his state so drastically. We just- we couldn’t find something soon enough-” the exhale Jackie released reminded me that I needed to breathe.

I couldn’t remember the last time I took a breath. It felt like I was testing this reality, and praying that it was all just a dream.

“There isn’t much I can disclose, unfortunately…” Jackie trailed off. “I will let you know this, Elizabeth. Lucas was sick. He was sick in ways not many people can understand. Most days even I didn’t. I didn’t understand how he masked those emotional swings so well… but deep down, there was a level of disparity so cold, so deep, that I couldn’t tell you whether I ever truly saw it, nor just how far down it went.”

Tears were free falling for me at this point. The first thing I thought, was the one thing Lucas told me not to think: could I have done more? Had I done more, would he have still been here?

His words rang through my ears again.

Please don’t make this about you.

For some reason, this made me unexpectedly chuckle. That caught Nurse Jackie’s attention, as I’m sure she now probably thought I was having a manic episode.

“What is it?” She asked.

“It’s just- nothing.” I shook my head. It didn’t seem like Nurse Jackie had paid any attention to the note in my hand, so I quickly slipped it into my pocket.

“Did he tell you he was going to do this?” She asked. I started to shake my head, then stopped myself short. In this letter, he had, but I wasn’t willing to show this to anyone just yet. It felt too personal. It was the first note anyone had left for me before they departed from my life, and that included my father.

When I found him that morning, he had left us nothing. No explanation, no farewell piece, nothing.

That lump in my throat returned as I thought about that again.

It’s not your fault Elizabeth Raleigh.

“Is it possible to fall for someone in just a few days?” I whispered more to myself. Luckily, there was someone else here who was willing to weigh in.

“I’m not sure.” She spoke honestly. “ I saw the way Lucas looked at you. He liked you Elizabeth, and for Lucas, that was almost unheard of. I tried to talk with him about it- he and I both knew that he was here to get help. That needed to be his priority… and your help needed to be yours. Yet romance is a tricky thing. Your heart doesn’t care what state your mind is in. Your heart is ready to wreak havoc for the sake of those emotions, yet your mind is what really suffers.“

“Do you think I distracted him?” I asked Jackie. She shook her head no.

“I think you’re one of the few reasons he stayed here any longer.” She admitted. “It’s always a battle between the heart and mind, and Lucas’s mind was a tropical cyclone. Some days he’d let me tap in, unearthing a wave of intelligence- a wave of perspectives a boy his age had no business both accessing and pondering. Some days I got but a glimpse at the madness, and honestly, it was some of the most painful shit I’ve ever had to look at- excuse my language. And just my unprofessionalism in general.

I watched Jackie remove a packet of tissue from her pocket. She blew away the few deep sniffles that had resurfaced.

“It begs the question: how do you be there for someone like that? Someone whose only crime is seeing the world for what it perhaps really is?”

I inhaled sharply at those words.

“I tried to show him the good, because there’s always good somewhere. Lucas refused to do what I’d argue every other person grasping onto the last few levels of their sanity would do: live in pockets of ignorance. He refused to close himself off to the parts that would eat away at him, as if this mental illness itself wasn’t devouring him whole already. Yet the man wanted to feel everything in its entirety.”

I tried to rub the remaining tears from my eyes, but I was starting to understand that they probably wouldn’t stop. Not now. Not for a while. Jackie unexpectedly pushed herself off my desk, then attempted to straighten out her nurse scrubs.

“I wanted to stop by and say that I didn’t plan on talking to Dr. Gazoni about you and Lucas going outside. I saw you only stayed the length of a break, and it looks like you two did at some point make it to bed okay.” There were a few more sniffles, but Nurse Jackie held them back. “Because of this traumatic event, you will be required to attend a therapy session this morning. Please report to Dr. Gazoni’s office in the next few minutes here. I just- I just wanted to check in on you first.” Jackie finished.

I gave her a nod. “T-Thank you.”

She only smiled, but I could tell she was trying to pour her last bit of warmth into it. And for some reason, that made the smile seem all the more painful. She then turned around and let herself out.

I stood there, staring at the slightly ajar door for a moment. I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I wasn’t sure what to do. How to move. What to say. It was almost as if someone else entirely had taken over my body, because somehow my feet carried me out of the room and down the hall.

Dr. Gazoni’s office door was open, which led me to believe that he was waiting. Sure enough, once I stepped inside, I could see him sitting patiently.

“Good morning, Ms. Raleigh.” He spoke… but his voice was almost unrecognizable. It was strained, like every word that fell past his lips took an unimaginable amount of work to conjure.

“Good morning.” I replied quietly. My hands had already started their assault on my eyes in a last ditch effort to stop the tears.

“I uh- I’m sure you heard about the-… about this morning. We’re holding sessions this morning for everyone, so the space is yours the next thirty minutes… whether you decide to speak or not.” He added. I’m sure his hopes were low considering the lack of strides he and I had made with our previous sessions…

But this morning was different. In every fucking way possible.

“I want to talk.” I said to him. My voice sounded far more sure than I felt. “But not about Lucas. I want to talk about that night.”

“Which one?” Dr. Gazoni asked, just like he had with our previous session.

“All of them.” I replied honestly.

••

Fin