NOTE

Hello dear Ceans!

The story plot is purely my wide imagination, time, places, and names of the characters.

The story contains boy x boy content, so if this is not your preference, feel free to skip it. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors, and the story will be updated two times a week, although the exact days are not certain.

This story will include mentions of vulgar language, homophobia, offensive content, stereotyping, and other sensitive scenes. I will be providing more warnings if needed to keep everyone informed.

Your concerns is well appreciated.

Thank you!

00

Dolce

“Love the view?” I asked flexing my biceps infront of the mirror and turned my head to my older sister who wore a smug look on her face.

“Dude, we’re gonna be late magagalit na naman sila, Cisco. They are waiting for us,” iritado niyang sabi sa akin at hinawi ang kamay ko na nakatapat sa mukha niya.

“I don’t care,” humarap ako ulit sa salamin at tiningnan ang buhok ko mahaba na ‘yon at medyo nagf-fade na ang kulay.

I looked at my sister fixing her hair in front of the mirror, tumingin ito sa akin na nagtataka.

“What?” She asked, raising her left eyebrow.

I laughed. “You look like a monkey,” sabi ko at patakbong lumabas sa cr.

I went to my room and grabbed an outfit for the night out: a sando and black pants with a red belt, layered with a matcha-colored suit jacket. I put on my Rolex and a silver necklace to match it. I looked in the mirror, brushed my buzz cut hair with my hand, and admired how well it suited me.

I took my keys from my bed side table at kinuha ang aso ko sa higaan, I checked the clock; It was already 10:30 pm, we are already late kaya binilisan ko na ang galaw at tinawag na si ate Aya.

“Pormang-porma ah,” nakangisi kong sabi sa kanya nang makapasok na siya, “shut up, Abelano, just drive.”

I started the car engine at pumunta na sa distenasyon sa Centré Distrito ll.

“The rules Abelano, don’t forget,” babala ni ate Aya, tinanguan ko nalang siya bilang responde sa sinasabi niya.

“Mom and Dad will be mad at you again if you get into any trouble. Dad will probably send you back to the hacienda. Mark my words, you’ll lose the city life,” she warned.

“Uhh, fine I’ll follow the rules, okay?” I said boredly assuring her. Di na siya nagsalita pa, nang makarating na kami ay ako na ang nagpark ng sasakyan, lumabas ako at bungad kaagad si Cisco.

“Dude, ang tagal mo, they are waiting for you.” bungad niyang sabi, tinanguan ko lang siya pumasok na sa entrance pinakita ko ang I.D sa bouncer at pinapasok na kami, the noisy sound and dancing lights hitting my face, inikot ko ang paningin ko. The VIP section wasn’t too crowded.

When my other friends spotted me. Syd came over “Abelano Shanti Dolce!” tawag ni Syd sa buong panganlan ko at inakbayan ako.

“Stupid ass, why are you calling me by my full name?” I asked irritatedly natawa naman siya at nang makalapit na kami sa table ay binigay na sa akin Exis yung shot.

I saw some of our girl friends at the second table, probably spilling some tea.

“How’s Paris, Abel?” Exis asked, so I turned my attention over him. “We celebrated dad’s birthday and it’s fine,” I said boredly while sipping at my cup. I looked around looking for someone na never naman a-absent sa mga ganitong occasion.

Si Chicago.

“Nasaan si Chico?” I asked, “may sinundo,” Exis answered kaya napataas ang kilay ko, bago pa man ako ulit magtanong ay dumating na si Chico at may kasama na lalaki

Nakipagfist-bump mo na ito sa amin at nagtapikan sa likod, “who’s that Chico? Your new boy?” Exis asked laughing.

“The fuck dude, this is my cousin,” he defended, I glanced at the boy. He is wearing a red leather jacket, a black top with a pearl necklace, and black jeans with a Cartier belt.

“Nice fit,” I mumbled under my breath, “This is Conan, Conan, this is my friends, Exis, Syd, Cisco and also Abel.” pagpapakilala ni chico at tinanguan naman niya.

Conan nodded in acknowledgment, but his face showed he wasn’t really interested. If you were him and standing in front of us, you’d probably think we were a trouble. Parang mananapak lang.

I stared at him, trying to intimidate him, but he remained unbothered. I like it.

“Nice to meet you, Conan, shot ka!” Syd offered, at first naga-alangan pa but in the end he accepted it.

Umupo ito, I looked at Exis and Syd they are so curious about the boy named Conan, “Where are you from?” I heard Exis asked, “Philippines?” The boy responded, tumawa naman yung dalawa kaya kinaltukan ni Chico.

I can’t see his face clearly because of the lights. He glance at me at umiwas din naman kaagad, I looked at Chicago, looking somewhere else.

“Hey, Chico where did you go last month? You were nowhere to be found, di ka rin macontact,” I asked catching his attention.

“Oh, I’m with Conan sinundo ko siya sa province namin because he needs to go to study here in City.” He explained, tumango naman ako.

“Where is ate Aya?” He asked, “she is in the other part of the club, maybe with her girlfriend?” I said unsure about the information.

An hour passed di pa naman wasted sila Syd, the night is still young, Tumingin ako kung nasaan sila Syd pero wala na rin don yung lalaki na kasama ni Chico.

I spotted them at the girls table. They seemed so entertained by Conan, who was now smiling ear to ear. Earlier, he was silent with us, but now he looked happy.

Nagsalita si Cisco na katabi ko ngayon, “What do you think about Chico’s cousin?” he asked na parang may gusto siyang malaman sa akin na di ko naman alam.

“He is fine for me,” I said, he hummed in response.

“You think you can get him into your pants?” he asked, grinning.

“Hindi ako pumapatol sa kapamilya ng tropa ko,” seryoso kong sabi sa kanya, pero halatang di siya naniniwala. It’s true.

“Sus, alam ko na mga tipo mo yung mga walang pake sa’yo,” he said, laughing. “You like chasing people kapag nakuha mo na ang atensyon nila then they will start chasing you after that uninterested kana,” he added.

Totoo naman ‘yon, but it’s not always like that. Minsan lang. But if I want someone and they’re willing, then I’ll go with the flow. Gusto ko lang yung thrilled ako.

Hours passed wasted na sila Exis at ako nalang ang hindi pa, if you are wondering why I wasn’t making out with someone, well, the answer is nakakatamad, I don’t know because I don’t feel like doing it with someone right now.

Lumabas ako sa bar para magyosi break, bawal sa loob.

The cold breeze hitting my skin, I closed my eyes feeling it. It’s already 2:00 am kaya malamig na.

Sumandal ako sa isang poste at kumuha ng isang stick ng sigarilyo, I placed it between my lips and searched for my lighter but I couldn’t find it.

“Shet naman,” I said frustratedly and brushed my blonde buzz cut hair. I closed my eyes in irritation.

“I’ll light it for you,” someone spoked, I opened my eyes and saw Conan. His nose was red, probably from the cold, which was noticeable against his fair skin. He was shorter than me, with fluffy bleached-highlighted hair.

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa sinabi niya, “I have my own lighter,” I said, “you don’t have one,” he said coldly.

“I forgot it inside.” I said.

“Oh, yeah. But still I’ll light it for you,” he insisted. Wala na rin naman ako nagawa pa at since ayaw ko na rin bumalik sa loob.

He took a lighter out of his pocket, na may Snoopy sticker, and lifted his hand to light the cigarette between my lips.

I just stared at his face as he did it. He had soft features; you could tell he took good care of his skin.

After he was done, I exhaled the smoke into the thin air, savoring it. “You smoke?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Di halata,” I chuckled.

He ignored my comment and lit his own cigarette. We stood there in silence, comfortable in each other’s presence, until I spoke.

“What’s your name again?” I asked, even though I already knew.

“Conan,” he answered shortly in his soft voice.

“I’m Abel,” I said, even though he didn’t ask.

He hummed in response.

“So, kuya Chico is your friend? For how long?” he asked, looking at me curiously.

“Since we were in high school. We went to the same school in America,” I answered. “How about you?” I asked.

“We’re cousins,” he said. Right, I had forgotten. That was stupid of me.

We fell silent again, I was curious about him– a boy with an innocent face who knew how to smoke and also the kind of aura. Damn, this boy is unbelievable.

“Nice fit. I didn’t know a boy from the province could be this stylish,” I said without thinking, then gasped.

“We’re in the modern world, Abel. It’s not like people in the province don’t know how to dress,” he said.

“My bad,” I replied.

“You know, you look like a thug with that haircut,” he remarked, and I brushed my hair off.

“Yeah, I think so,” I chuckled. “Aren’t you scared I’ll eat you alive?” pabirong kong tanong.

“No. You may look rough on the outside, but maybe you’re different inside,” he said.

Our conversation was interrupted by my sister calling me.

“Abelano, let’s go!” Ate Aya shouted from the car in the parking lot. I ignored her and looked at Conan.

“It’s nice meeting you, Conan. I’ll see you around,” I said.

He waved his hand at di na ako nilingon pa.

01

DOLCE

Days passed, and it’s the first day of school, it’s already my second year. Time flies so fast.

Nagring ang cellphone ko na nasa sink. I’m shaving because my hair’s getting longer. I stopped what I was doing and answered the call.

It’s Cisco. “What?” I answered. “Dude, where are you? Andito kami sa Café Tea sa Distrito 1; they’re looking for you,” Cisco said. I put my phone on the sink and put it on speaker.

“Andito sila Radio at Centi; kumpleto na tayong magt-tropa,” he added.

“Okay, I’ll be there,” I answered, ending the call and resuming what I was doing.

I grabbed my phone and keys from the sink. Pinakain ko muna si Chi Chi bago ko iwanan; mamaya pa naman pasok ni ate.

Pagkasakay ko sa kotse, sibat na kaagad ako papunta Distrito 1. Tambayan talaga namin nila Cisco ‘yon, underrated pa dati yung place pero ngayon ginawang tambayan ng iba.

I parked in the lot and saw Cisco’s Range Rover parked next to mine.

Pagkapasok ko sa loob, punuan na ang place — it’s bigger this time. Naspotan ko sila Cisco na tawang-tawa sa kung ano mang pinagtatawanan nila.

Pinagtitinginan ako nung pumasok ako kaya pati sila Cisco napatingin.

People greeted me with a smile, which I returned. Umupo ako sa tabi ni Exis, at nakipagfist bump sa kanila.

“Dude, ang tagal mo!” Cisco shouted kahit magkatabi lang kami.

“Bunganga mo talaga, Cisco,” puna ni Syd sa kanya.

“Dude,” bati sa akin ni Centi at Radio. Nakipagfist bump ako, tinapik ang likod nilang dalawa. “Musta?” tanong ko. “Okay lang, dude. I miss the Philippines,” natatawang sabi ni Centi kaya nasiko siya ni Radio na katabi niya lang.

“Centi, we’ve been here two months ago,” sabi ni Radio, tumawa lang si Centi.

Nagsalita si Cisco, “Tol, kung dumating lang kayong dalawa last week ni Centi, edi sana kompleto tayo. May chick nga si Chico na dala-dala,” natatawa siyang sabi kaya nabatukan siya ni Chico na kakadating lang. Nagtanguan sila nila Radio at Centi.

“He’s not my chick; pinsan ko ‘yon, tanga,” sabi niya. “Ay oo nga pala, nasaan siya?” sabi ni Syd.

“He’s in the car; ayaw niya lumabas madami kasing tao,” sabi ni Chico at tumayo. “I-order ko lang siya ng milkshake, balik din ako,” paalam ni Chico.

“Sinong tinutukoy non?” tanong ni Centi. “Yung pinsan niya na tiga-province, dude.

Ganda nun sa malapitan,” sagot ni Cisco, sila Exis at Syd nakikinig lang sa pinag-uusapan nila.

“So, parang sinasabi mo pangit siya sa malayo,” pabirong tanong ni Centi kay Cisco na natawa lang.

“Tangina mo,” sagot na lang niya, nakitawa na lang kami nila Syd. Maganda naman talaga si Conan, he really is.

Umiling-iling na Lang ako at nahagip ng mata ko si Syd na nakatingin kay Radio kaya kumunot ang noo ko. Ang unusual lang.

Binaling ko na lang sa iba ang tingin ko at natanaw ko si Chico at Conan nag-uusap sa parking lot, nakangiti ito.

“Nga pala di ako makakasama sa Sunday sa inyo,” Singit na sabi ni Cisco kaya nilingon ko siya. “Bakit?” Tanong ko

“May church kami,” maikli niyang sagot. “Pa-good boy yarn?” natatawang asar ni Centi. Inambahan lang siya ni Cisco.

Sumakay ako sa sasakyan, sumabay na sa akin si Radio at Syd dahil di nila dala yung sasakyan nilang dalawa.

“May kinakita ba ‘yon si Cisco?” Tanong ni Radio. “Ewan ko,” tanging sagot ko nalang.

Dumating kami sa university, nagsibabaan kami. Si Cisco, ayos na rin naman ngayon, nakikipagtawanan na kila Exis.

We saw Chico and the boy again; he’s wearing a pink cap with a strawberry logo on it.

“Is this the person you were telling us about, Cisco?” Radio asked. “Yup!” he answered.

“Conan, meet Radio and Centi, tropa namin nila Cisco,” pakilala ni Chico. He smiled in return; di naman ito nagsalita. Surrounded by us, we were towering over him, and he was looking up.

Pumasok kami sa loob, pinagtitinginan kami ng ibang tao, but we were so unbothered.

The 3C’s todo pa-cute sa iba, parang tanga lang. Tumabi ako kay Conan na ngayon ay aligaga. “Hey, are you okay?” Napa-igtag ito, tumingin ito sa akin at tumango.

Maybe he doesn’t like crowded places. “Don’t mind them; masanay ka na. Ganito talaga sa Manila. New faces are the ones they gossip about a lot, and those who are handsome like me,” biro ko sa kanya sa dulo kong sinabi, natawa naman siya.

“Di halata,” sabi niya pa. “Anong course mo?” I asked to ease his nervousness. “BSA, first year. Ikaw?” he said.

“Med student ako, so basically MD-more like Cardiologist sa future,” paliwanag ko. “But, you don’t look like one,” he said, and I laughed. “My uniform is in my locker,” I said, kaya tumango siya.

“Bakit di ka pumasok sa Café earlier?” I asked. “I don’t like crowded places,” simple niyang sagot. Like what I thought.

“Close na close?” sarcastic na sabi ni Chico. “Hatid mo ‘yan si Reil, dude. Katabi lang naman ng building mo ang building nila; sibat na ako,” paalam ni Chico sa amin.

“Reil?” confused kong tanong. “Second name ko,” casual niyang sagot.

“But, I don’t like him calling me that. Masyadong pabibo,” he chuckled, kaya napangiti naman ako. Damn.

Kami na lang dalawa ni Conan ang naglalakad; sila Cisco nauna na sa amin. Nasa tapat kami ng building nila ngayon.

“I’ll see you later,” paalam niya. “Yosi break,” dagdag niya. “Nah, not good for someone like you,” biro ko. He waved his hand.

Good company, I guess. Dumiretso na agad ako sa room namin at umupo sa pwesto ko. Wala pa namang prof ngayon since first day pa lang naman.

Free time namin kaya libre na pumunta kung saan man. Pumunta agad ako sa music room, tambayan namin ni Radio kapag vacant namin.

Kinuha ko ang isang acoustic guitar at umupo sa isang chair, playing With A Smile by Eraserheads. I used to dedicate this song to my childhood friend, nakalimutan ko na nga ang pangalan niya eh.

Remembering my childhood is too good. I closed my eyes, feeling the strings between my fingers, but was interrupted by someone who just entered the room.

It’s Radio. “Dude,” he greeted and sat beside me. Wala namang nagi-imikan sa aming dalawa. Kinuha niya yung isa pang acoustic guitar na nakatabi lang sa amin.

A question popped into my head; Napansin ko na nag-iwasan silang dalawa ni Syd, na parang di talaga sila close noon.

“Dio,” I called him, catching his attention, “what do you think about Syd?” I asked.

“Nothing, tropa lang,” he casually said, then looked back at the guitar.

I can see na ayaw niya talagang pag-usapan ‘yon. Iniba niya ang usapan at tinanong ako kung hinahabol ko pa ba si France.

“Nabore na ako, nasa akin na atensyon eh,” I chuckled. “Di ka pa rin talaga nagbabago. Kailan ka magbabago?” biro niyang tanong.

“Tsaka na kapag may sineseryoso na talaga ako,” sagot ko sa kanya. Kaya ko lang naman ginagawa yung mga bagay na ‘yon is because I want to get under their pants. I just don’t like it kapag nabibigyan na nila ako ng atensyon.

“Tara, g mamaya sa Distrito Sais, may party doon sila Lori, invited tayo,” aya niya sa akin.

Pagkakaalala ko ay kapatid ito ni Hugo; trip ni Lori si Cisco eh, ayaw naman ni gago.

“We don’t want to be gatecrashers,” I said.

“Tanga, they are looking for Shanti Dolce. Tama na pag-good boy gamit ang pangalan na Abel,” sabi niya, na ikinatawa ko.

“So, they are looking for 3CESRA,” I grinned.

“You got it then,” he said.

“I’ll see you later, and also tell Chico to bring his cousin as well!” dagdag niya pa.

02

ABEL

The boom of the music is heard outside the gate; it was loud. Syd and I are waiting for our friends dahil kasabay nila si Radio, na may dala ng invitation namin. May mga bouncer sa labas ng gate para masigurong walang mangyayaring hindi maganda.

Dumating ang sasakyan ni Cisco sa tapat namin ni Syd, at nagsibabaan silang lahat pero isa lang naman ang hinahanap ko-si Conan.

He is wearing a black shirt and pants, at inakbayan siya ni Cisco pagkababa niya sa sasakyan. Close na sila? tanong ko sa sarili ko.

Tumabi ako kay Cisco na nakikipagtawanan sa kanya. Tumingin ito sa akin at nginitian ako; binalik ko rin iyon sa kanya. I whispered something to Cisco. “Close na kayo?”

“Yeah, ang funny niya tapos outgoing person pa,” sabi niya, kaya tumango naman ako. Pumasok kami sa loob ng bahay nila Lori. Everyone greeted us; they were expecting us to be here.

“Look who’s here, the 3CESRA!” bati sa amin ni Lori. Excited siyang lumapit sa amin, pero itong si Cisco ay walang pakialam sa kanya at patuloy lang ang pakikipag-usap kay Conan.

Niyakap niya si Cisco, Cisco let her, pero halatang walang ibig sabihin iyon sa kanya. Sanay na siya.

Napatingin si Lori sa katabi niya, si Conan. “A new face, huh? I didn’t know,” she sarcastically said, tiningnan pa niya ito mula ulo hanggang paa. Dumako ang mata niya sa braso ni Cisco na nakaakbay kay Conan.

Nakita kong tumaas ang kilay ni Conan sa kanya, pero hindi na siya pinansin ni Lori. “Enjoy the party!” she said, at umalis, halatang iritado.

Nakipagsiksikan kami sa mga tao; tumabi ako sa gilid ni Conan para hindi siya mabangga ng mga sumasayaw sa gitna.

“Just be close to me,” bulong ko, at tumango siya. Nakapunta kami sa table na ni-reserve nila Radio. The girls were there gossiping about something again.

Pinsan iyon nina Cisco at Exis, at kaibigan nila si Lori kaya narito sila.

Nawala sa tabi ko si Conan at pumunta sa tabi ni Chance na nakaupo. Niyakap siya nito, kaya napataas ang kilay ko.

“I miss you, Conan! Ayaw ka kasi ipakita sa amin ni Chico,” sabi ni Chance, sabay tingin ng masama kay Chico na walang pakialam sa kanila.

“Ano ba ‘yan, Chance, nagpapakalat ka na naman ng maling information tungkol sa akin. Magkakasama kaya kayo nina Giselle kahapon,” sabi ni Exis. “Hindi man lang nag-aya,” pagtatampo niyang sabi, at natawa naman ako sa inaasta ni gago.

“Girls time iyon, Exis,” sabi ni Cha sa kanya.

“Eh bakit si Co-”

I interrupted Exis. Inakbayan ko siya at tinakpan ang bunganga niya. “Alam mo, dude, kumuha na lang tayo ng drinks. Dami mo na namang sinasabi,” at nagsitawanan naman sila Cisco. We gladly walked away from the girls’ table at iniwan roon si Conan.

I’m glad the girls like him. Habang kumukuha kami ng drinks, lumakas ang hiyawan ng mga tao. Kasama ko ngayon sa kusina si Cisco dahil ang ibang tropa naman ay nasa iba nang gimik.

Sumandal ako sa counter sa kusina at tinanong si Cisco, “How’s life with Gia, dude?” I asked, at tumigil naman siya sa ginagawa niya.

“Fine, I guess? She’s going back next month after she visits her grandparents in Canada,” he said, sabay inom mula sa cup na nilagyan niya.

Tumango ako, hinanap ng mga mata ko si Conan na wala sa upuan ng mga girls. Hinanap ko siya kung saan-saan, at nakita ko siyang kasama sina Exis sa pool area. They were laughing with him.

Lalapit na sana ako nang tawagin ako ni Roy, kasama sa varsity na teammate nina Centi at Chico. Napatingin naman ako at lumapit.

Kasama nila si France. Tumingin ako kay France at ngumiti, at binalik niya rin ito sa akin. As much as I wanted to walk away at pumunta kina Exis, I didn’t want to be rude.

Binigyan ako ni Roy ng isang shot at tinungga ko naman iyon. Tumayo si France at hinawakan ang braso ko. “I miss you, Shanti,” she calmly said. Napatingin naman ako sa ibang direksyon at nakita kong nakatingin sa amin si Conan. Nagtama ang mga tingin namin, pero agad niyang iniwas ang tingin.

Damn…

“I’m not interested,” I boredly said, at nawala ako sa mood bigla kaya umalis ako sa pool area at tinapunan ng tingin sina Conan. Yosi break nga muna. I took out two cans of beer from the table and went outside.

I took out one stick from my pocket and lit it. I inhaled and puffed it out in the air, just feeling it.

Madami pa ring nagsisidatingan dahil alas-onse pa lang naman, at mamaya pa ang literal na party.

Sinisipa ko ang mga bato sa sahig at kung saan man ito tumama ay wala akong pakialam.

Thirty minutes na ang lumipas, nakakalima na ata ako ng sigarilyo. I know it’s a bad thing to do, but I just can’t help it.

Someone interrupted my alone time. “You know it’s bad for your health. You’ve been smoking for almost thirty minutes now,” he approached me and took out the stick of cigar between my lips, putting it in between his own. He inhaled it and puffed it out in my face.

“You’re smoking too,” sabi ko. He chuckled, “I smoke twice a week, so basically one stick lang iyon per day,” paliwanag niya, at tumabi siya sa akin.

“Well, maybe we aren’t the same when it comes to smoking, are we?” I said, a small smile forming on my lips.

“I guess so,” he responded. We sat in silence for almost five minutes. He took out another stick from his pocket and lit it up.

“You said one stick per day.” He looked at me.

“Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to try two sticks,” he said, his delicate fingers holding the stick between them. Sanay siya.

“Is that your girlfriend?” he asked. Tumingin pa ako sa kanya na nagtataka, at narealize ko kung anong tinutukoy niya.

“Nah, she’s just a friend of mine,” I answered. Magtatanong pa sana siya kaso intinikom na niya ang bibig niya.

Nacurious naman ako sa kanya. I wanted to ask him many questions about his life in the province.

“Spit it out, Abel,” he called me out. Napaisip ako, how did he know…

“How’s life in the province?” I asked. Iyon na lang ang tinanong ko kahit sobrang simple. Nagulat pa ako sa tanong ko.

“Fine. I’m surrounded by fresh, unpolluted air, and also animals,” he said, sabay tumalungko at hinimas ang ulo ng pusa na nasa paanan niya.

“It’s pretty there. Hayaan mo, dadalhin kita roon, but I can’t guarantee it. I don’t like people there,” he said, his voice trailing off at the end.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” I said. Hindi siya nag-respond kaya nanahimik ako, hintay ko siyang matapos para makabalik na kami sa loob.

I like the highlights of his hair. He has silky hair na bagay na bagay sa maliit niyang mukha. “Let’s go inside na,” sabi niya sa akin, at pumasok na kami.

Nagsimula na ang mismong party ni Lori. Mas lumakas ang tugtog. The DJ was playing Glamorous by Fergie and Ludacris.

“Are you ready?” the DJ shouted, hyping up the crowd.

“If you ain’t got no money, take yo’ broke ass home,” we sang along.

We danced around. Yung ibang tropa nagkanya-kanya sa dance floor. Nakatingala si Chicago habang hawak ni Cisco yung bote ng empy-they were doing the trend.

We all cheered.

“Ready ka na ba, dude? Sunugan ‘to ng atay!” sigaw ni Cisco, natatawa.

“We’re going to count now!” sigaw niya, at ibinuhos ang alak. We counted the liquor he gulped.

One… two… three… four… five…

Nawala ako sa pagbibilang nang mapansin kong wala si Conan. Hinanap ko siya habang may hawak na alak sa kamay, pumunta ako sa pool area sa second floor, sa labas, at kung saan-saan pa.

Nakita ko siya sa kusina ng bahay, nakabukas ang ref.

“Conan,” tawag ko. Nagulat siya at isinara ang refrigerator.

“What are you doing here? You should go there and dance with us,” aya ko sa kanya, ngunit umiling siya. Lumapit ako at ilang metro lang ang pagitan namin.

Napansin ko ang hawak niyang gatas at natawa ako. “You’re really funny,” I chuckled, at napakamot siya sa ulo at nagsimulang yumuko.

He’s shy. Mas lalo pa akong nagulat nang bigla siyang suminok. Napangiwi naman ako at nagtatakang tumingin sa kanya.

He’s not drunk-I can see that. So why the hell is he hiccuping?

03

DOLCE

Ilang linggo kaming busy sa sobrang daming ginagawa. Ngayon ay magkakasama kami sa condo ni Radio dahil sleepover daw kami since tapos na ang hell week.

Ako, Exis, Syd, at si Conan pa lang ang nandito sa condo. Sinundo ni Syd si Conan dahil wala si Chico. Paparating pa lang sina Cisco, kasama ang dalawa pa niyang kambal.

Radio at Syd ang nagluluto ng pagkain para sa amin dahil nagugutom na raw sila. Katabi ko ngayon si Conan na nanonood ng TV, kasama si Exis na sobrang busy sa panonood. Nae-entertain siya sa pinapanood niyang cartoons.

“What do you think about my friends?” I asked randomly kaya napatingin ito sa akin.

“They are okay, and I’m comfortable,” he smiled and turned his head to the TV.

“And they make me feel happy. Cisco is very funny when he always jokes around,” dagdag niya pa na nagpangiti sa akin. I’m glad he is happy.

Nanahimik na ako matapos kong magtanong nang biglang nag-ring ang cellphone ko. Cisco was calling.

“What?” I asked boredly.

“Bro, nakabangga kami. We are here at the hospital,” sabi niya.

“Damn, Cisco,” mura ko, sabay patay ng tawag. Lumabas mula sa kitchen sina Syd at Radio at nagtanong sa akin.

“Yung tatlo nasa hospital, nakabangga,” sagot ko.

“Ha?” they said in unison, kaya agaran nilang binitawan ang dala nilang plato at kumuha ng susi.

“Kapag talaga magkakasama yung tatlong ‘yon, nadidisgrasya palagi,” sabi pa ni Radio, na siyang magda-drive. I’m in the front seat at yung tatlo naman sa likod. I looked at the rearview mirror and saw Conan biting his lip, which made me raise an eyebrow.

Hindi naman masyadong traffic dahil medyo gabi na. Cisco sent the location of the hospital they were in. Pagdating namin sa ward nila Cisco, nauna pang pumasok si Conan at pinuntahan si Chico.

“Damn, Chico, I’ve been worried sick,” he said. Di ko na sila pinansin at pinuntahan si Cisco at Centi, na natatawa pa habang binubungangaan sila ni Syd.

“You guys are really stubborn. Lalo ka na, Cisco. Ikaw pa talaga ang nag-drive,” sabi ni Syd habang napahilot na lang sa sentido.

Napakamot naman sa ulo si Cisco at napangiwi. “You’re not my mom, Syd,” he said boredly. Nang sinabi ‘yon ni Cisco, pinitik ko siya sa noo.

“Syd is worried about you guys. Tapos para kayong mga tanga na natatawa sa mga katangahan niyo,” sabi ko pa.

“Nothing serious happened, Abel. Impound lang kotse ni Cisco at wala siyang license. That’s why he has a penalty of 3,000 pesos, and also, para matubos yung kotse niya, we need to pay 50,000 pesos,” paliwanag ni Chico.

I sighed in disappointment at napailing. “Next time, Cisco, if you are driving a car, make sure magdala ka ng lisensya. You always forget them,” paalala ko pa at umupo sa isang sofa.

“Pustahan, yari si Cisco sa tatay niya,” natatawa pang sabi ni Centi.

“Isa ka pa, kunsintidor ka rin,” sabi ko habang tinuturo siya.

“Luh, ako na naman. Nag-insist kaya siya,” sagot niya nang oa.

“Tsaka lang naman mag-iingat si Cisco mag-drive kapag siya lang mag-isa,” natatawang sabi ni Radio. Napangiwi na lang ako.

“Hoy, Cisco! Kung gusto mo nang mamatay, wag mo kami idamay,” sabi pa ni Centi.

“So, the sleepover is not going to happen?” Cisco asked.

“Hindi na. Next time na lang. Just rest already,” I answered back.

“Eh sino maghahatid kay Conan sa condo niya?” tanong ni Syd.

“I will,” tipid kong sagot.

Hindi na rin sila nagsalita pa. Tapos na ang visiting hours kaya umuwi na sina Radio, kasama si Syd at Exis, sa condo niya. Kami ni Conan ang naiwan sa ward nila Chico.

“We are going home, Chico,” I said while putting my jacket on.

“Abel, ingatan mo ‘yan. Kapag may nangyari sa kanya, yari ka sa akin,” sabi niya habang pinakita ang kamao niya.

“Calm down, dude. Mas maingat ako mag-drive kaysa sa’yo,” sabi ko pa. Lumabas ako para iwan si Conan kay Chico dahil may sasabihin ito. Iniwan ni Radio ang kotse niya kaya nag-taxi lang sila pabalik.

Naghintay na lang ako sa parking lot. Habang naghihintay, nag-scroll muna ako sa social media. As usual, it’s all about partying. Nakita ko ang post ni Gisele.

Nag-pop-up ang chat ni papá.

“Centi, if your vacation comes up, come here sa hacienda. Your mamita misses you.”

Kunot-noo ko lang tiningnan ‘yon at tinago ang cellphone ko nang dumating na si Conan. Ngumiti ito sa akin.

Pumasok na ako sa driver seat at inistart ang makina ng sasakyan. Binalot lang kami ng katahimikan ni Conan. Tiningnan ko ito at nakasandal ang ulo sa bintana.

“You okay? Nagugutom ka ba?” I asked. Then he turned his head to me.

“Ha?” sabay kamot sa ulo niya. “Sorry, hindi kita narinig,” dagdag niya.

“Nah, it’s okay. I was asking if you are hungry. We could stop by sa drive-thru,” I said. Umiling lang siya.

Binaling niya ulit ang ulo niya sa bintana at naging tahimik na naman kami. “You seem worried about Chico,” sabi ko para mawala ang katahimikan na bumabalot sa amin.

“I really am,” sagot niya. Binalingan ko siya ng tingin, nakikinig lang ako sa kanya, not wanting to interrupt him.

“Before, when we were young, we got into an accident. The one driving was our driver. We got hit by a car. Chico was 9 while I was 6. He had a really bad injury, and so did I. I got traumatized and became really scared whenever someone I don’t trust drives a car,” kwento niya sa akin. Tumango naman ako.

He must have been traumatized at that time, but why is he letting me drive him home now? Nagkwentuhan na lang kami. Sometimes, he would ask questions, pero mas marami akong tanong sa kanya. Natatawa pa ako sa mga biro niya.

When was the last time I laughed like this and talked so comfortably?

“He really did fall in the mud when we were playing,” natatawa niyang kwento sa akin. Ako naman ay ngiting-ngiti dahil sa katangahan ni Chico noong bata pa sila.

He really experienced a good childhood. I smiled, thinking about it. I stopped the car in front of the building kung saan ang condo niya.

“Thank you for the ride. I’ll see you again, Abel,” paalam niya sa akin bago bumaba. Nang makababa siya, binuksan ko ang bintana ng kotse.

“Conan!” tawag ko sa pangalan niya, kaya nilingon niya ako. Gusto ko siyang tanungin about sa bagay na ‘yon dahil gusto ko talagang malaman.

“You are traumatized by what happened to you and Chico before. But why did you let me take you home?” I asked.

“You are not a stranger,” he said in a soft voice. I heard that kahit mahina. Napangiti naman ako at tinalikuran na niya ako.

Nang makarating na ako sa apartment namin ni ate, pumasok na ako sa kwarto ko at humiga. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko sa bulsa dahil nalimutan kong reply-an si papá.

“I will, papá,”

A sudden notification popped up again.

“@mau_ricio followed you back.”
Basa ko. Agad ko naman in-stalk ang account niya at nakita ang mga post niya. He loves the sea and likes to play guitar. He has a dog, too, named Sun. Puro tungkol sa dagat at mga farm ang mga post niya.

Conan will like our province. We should hang out kasama ang mga tropa ko sa vacation namin. Chin-at ko agad si papá.

“I’m coming with my friends po, papá.”

Pagkatapos kong i-send ‘yon, pinatay ko ang cellphone ko at pumikit.

It’s really been a long day. Napagod talaga ako.

04

DOLCE

Ilang araw ang lumipas after the incident and you know what Conan and I got so close. Halos araw-araw kaming nag-uusap, lalo na sa IG.

“Bobo ka ba, Exis?” tanong ni Syd sa kanya. “Tangina mo,” mura ni Exis.

“Ano ba ang ingay niyo? I’m focusing here, can’t you see?” seryosong sabi ni Centi. Huminto naman ‘yung dalawa kaya napatingin kami sa kanya at sabay-sabay na tumawa.

“Nilalagnat ka ba?” pabirong tanong ni Exis kay Centi habang dinampi niya ang likod ng palad niya sa leeg at noo nito. Hinawi lang ‘yon ni Centi.

Masama ang tingin ni Centi sa amin. “Tangina mo talaga, Exis. Matapos ko lang ‘tong ginagawa ko, yari ka sa akin,” banta niya.

“Ang weird mo naman. Never kitang nakitang nag-focus sa ganyan. You never cram your school works. You always pass them before the deadline,” sabi ko sa kanya. Napa-hinga siya nang malalim at tumingin sa akin.

“Take a look at this,” sabi niya sabay pakita ng laptop niya. Kami namang tatlo, sabay-sabay tumingin.

“Gia is back,” mahinang turan ni Syd. Nagkatinginan pa silang dalawa ni Exis. May nabasa kaming mga article tungkol kay Gia pati kay Cisco.

“Kaya pala di sumipot ang gago. Sinundo si Gia sa airport,” sabi ni Exis. “Ganyan ba talaga kapag anak ng mga politicians?” natatawang sabi ni Syd.

Sa part ni Cisco, ang hirap lalo na kapag palagi siyang laman ng article sa mga issues niya, rumored, scandals. High school pa lang kami, nasa balita na siya. He never experienced having privacy in his life. Cisco’s world is fucked up.

“Do you think magiging maganda kaya ngayon yung mga mangyayari lalo na at bumalik na si Gia?” tanong ni Centi. Tumikhim naman ako.

“Hindi natin alam,” sagot ko na lang.
“I don’t like Gia for Cisco. Ayaw ko ang vibe niya, sa totoo lang,” komento ni Centi. Tiningnan ko siya. As far as I can remember, Centi never commented on Cisco’s life. Ngayon lang talaga. Kapag may comment si Centi, totoo ‘yon, at wala siyang pake kung may makarinig. He is stating facts.

“Hindi naman talaga mahal ni Cisco si Gi-,” naputol ang sasabihin ni Exis nang tapikin siya ni Centi at tiningnan.

“Aray ko,” daing ni Exis sabay senyas ni Centi na nandito na si Cisco.

“Cisco, andito ka na pala,” bati ko sabay fist bump sa kanya. “Hi, Gia,” bati ko rin kay Gia.

“What are you gossiping about?” tanong ni Gia.

“Yo—” tinakpan ni Exis ang bibig ni Centi bago niya ibunyag na pinag-uusapan namin siya. Tinaasan lang kami ng kilay ni Gia.

“I’ll just order my food and go with my friends. I’ll be back,” paalam ni Gia kay Cisco sabay halik sa pisngi nito.

Binaling na lang namin ang tingin sa iba. Umupo si Cisco sa tabi ko. He leaned on the sofa and closed his eyes.

“We saw the article,” simula ni Syd. Tinapik ko lang ang balikat ni Cisco. He must be tired from all of this.

Tahimik lang kami ulit. Ang tanging naririnig namin ay ang mga boses ng mga tao na parang bubuyog.

“Sa bakasyon natin, we are going to my province,” sabi ko. Nagsitinginan sila sa akin. “Huy, totoo ba ‘yan?” paniniguradong tanong ni Exis.
“Mukha ba akong nagbibiro?” sagot ko sa kanya.

“Isama natin si Conan, ha,” sabi ni Cisco. “For sure, sasama naman ‘yon. He is part of our group now,” sabi ko pa sa kanila. Naalala ko na he likes the province a lot, so I want him to come. He will like it there.

Naka-upo ako ngayon sa study table ko habang naggigitara. I hummed while strumming the strings, feeling it. Nakapikit pa ako para damang-dama. I was interrupted when my phone rang.

Nang makita ko kung sino ‘yon, agad akong nag-ayos ng sarili. Nagsuklay pa ako at nagsando. Pagkatapos, umupo ako nang maayos.

“Hi!” bati niya sa kabilang linya.
“Hello, Conan!” bati ko rin. He smiled and showed me what he was doing—designing his room.

“Do you like the color?” tanong niya shyly. Tumango ako at ngumiti habang sinusubo ang hawak kong gummies. “You’re eating that again?” tanong niya. “Yes,” sagot ko.

Routine na namin itong dalawa ni Conan since last week pa. Ako unang tumawag sa kanya. Noong una, ayaw niya pang magpakita sa akin sa cam dahil nahihiya raw siya.

“What are you doing?” tanong niya.
“Uhh, playing guitar. I’m practicing,” sagot ko sabay pakita ng gitara ko.

“So you are a fan of Radiohead?” tanong niya ulit. “Yes,” sagot ko sabay pakita ng mga album ko sa cabinet at posters na nakapaskil sa kwarto ko.

“No need to show off,” natatawa niyang sabi. “I wasn’t,” sagot ko.

Nag-usap lang kaming dalawa tungkol sa sobrang random na bagay. Tawa kami nang tawa hanggang sa nabanggit ko ang vacation namin.

“Do you want to come with us sa bakasyon?” tanong ko. “Saan?” tanong niya.

“Sa province. Kasama sila Chico,” sagot ko. “I’m going to visit my grandparents there,” dagdag ko pa. Tumango-tango lang siya.

“Kasama ba sila Giselle?” tanong niya.
“Unfortunately, no,” sagot ko. “They are going somewhere sa bakasyon. Ewan ko kung saan, pero do you want them to come ba? I can ask them again for you,” paliwanag ko.

“Uhh, no need. I’m just asking. Diba, kasi dapat kasama niyo rin sila? Napapansin ko na kayo-kayo lang nila Cisco ang magkakasama palagi,” sabi niya habang nagdidikit sa notebook niya.

“Well, kami kasing mga boys, we want to be with each other. No girls, kumbaga. I know that we are close naman, pero we have our own groups.

Kaya minsan kami-kami lang nila Giselle ang magkakasama kahit sa galaan, pero madalang lang ‘yon lalo na kapag trip nila,” paliwanag ko. Tumango-tango lang siya.

He showed me the notebook he was designing. It’s colorful—more like about the sea iyon and the picture of his dog, Sunny.

“You really like the sea, don’t you?” tanong ko ulit kahit alam ko naman na talaga.

“Yes. Every time I feel the waves or see them, I feel like it heals me. The sea is my comfort zone, I guess,” paliwanag niya.

Gusto ko pang magtanong sa kanya to get to know him better pero gusto ko dahan-dahan lang. I even remember na when he is shy, he hiccups more. Napangiti naman ako dahil doon.

“Anong ngini-ngiti mo?” tanong niya.
“Ha? Wala,” depensa ko.

Nag-change topic na lang ako para di niya ako usisain pa.
“Do you want to hear a song?” tanong ko.
“Sige lang. Ano ba kakantahin mo?” tanong niya.

“I’m practicing this song. Napakinggan ko kasi kanina. It’s
Ikot
by Over October,” paliwanag ko.

“Wait lang,” sabi niya sabay kuha ng cellphone niya. Napakunot naman ang noo ko. “What are you doing?”

“Ito ba ‘yon?” tanong niya sabay pakita ng cellphone niya sa harap ng camera. “Yup,” maikli kong sagot.

“Can I hear it?” tanong niya. Kinuha ko ang gitara ko at sinimulan ‘yon. I looked at him. He was smiling—halatang excited siya. Umiling na lang ako at ngumiti.

I strummed it and hummed a bit.
“Paikot-ikot lang mula no’ng mailang gawa ng ‘yong tingin at ngiti,” kanta ko habang tinitingnan siya.

” ‘Di sinasadyang mahulog, mahibang, aasa na tayo sa huli,” kanta ko hanggang sa matapos.

Paminsan-minsan ay sinasabayan niya ako. Tinitingnan ko lang siya habang ginagawa ‘yon.

It’s weird when I’m smiling over this kind of thing. Am I crazy?

05

DOLCE

The sunlight is hitting my face kaya hinarang ko ang kamay ko. Bumangon ako at nagkusot ng mata, nag-inat muna ako bago pumasok sa CR. “Damn, mali ata puwesto ng paghiga ko kagabi,” bulong ko sa sarili ko.

Binuksan ko ang cellphone ko at tadtad ‘yon ng messages sa GC namin. Ang aga-aga, may chinichismis na naman si Exis.

I showered and brushed my teeth, inayos ko muna ang buhok ko bago lumabas. Mamaya pa naman ang klase ko. I sat on the edge of my bed at nilaro-laro si Chi Chi.

Binuksan ko ang cellphone ko at nag-backread sa GC.

Nakita ko yung mga messages nila. Napakadaming sinasabi ni Exis; hindi nauubusan. Binasa ko lang ‘yung tungkol sa kakabalik lang nung kaaway ni Centi.

Away na naman ‘yan sila. Nakaidlip pa ako ng ilang oras. Puyat na puyat ako dahil sa sobrang daming kinuwento ni Conan sa akin kagabi hanggang sa nakatulog siya. That boy is really talkative, hindi halata sa kanya.

Maybe because he is comfortable with me. Privilege siguro? Achievement na ‘yon since sinabi niya pa sa akin kagabi na hindi naman siya sobrang daldal kapag di siya komportable sa isang tao.

Nagbihis na ako ng uniform ko at lumabas sa kwarto para samahan si ate kumain. Andito rin pala ang girlfriend niya.

“Good afternoon, Ate Aya, Ate Cha,” bati ko at kumuha ng gatas sa ref at tinungga ‘yon.

“Papasok ka na?” tanong ni Ate Aya. Tumango naman ako sa kanya. “We have family dinner pala this week. Kasama sila Auntie Rosali at mga pinsan natin,” paalala niya.

Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin pa. “You better come there, sa ayaw at sa gusto mo,” dagdag pa niya. Sininyasan ko na lang siya at tinalikuran.

Padabog akong sumakay sa kotse ko at binagsak ang pintuan. Hinampas ko ang steering wheel at yumuko. “Those bastards,” mura ko.

Bad trip naman talaga. Pumasok akong salubong ang kilay at pumunta sa bench kung nasaan sila. Umupo ako sa tabi ni Cisco at hindi nagsalita. Tinapik pa niya ang balikat ko.

“Oh, salubong na naman ang kilay mo. Ano na naman ‘yan?” tanong niya sa akin. Tiningnan ko lang siya at hindi nagsalita.

“Hulaan ko, about sa fam dinner nila ‘yan this week,” singit ni Centi. “Bakit ba kasi ayaw pang hiwalayan ni Tita si Tito? Your dad is a jerk,” dagdag pa niya.

“Tita has her own reasons, Centi. We shouldn’t interfere with their life,” sagot ni Cisco. Halata niyang ayaw ko talagang pag-usapan pa ‘yon.

“Ma-iba nga tayo. Bakit ba di mo sinasagot tawag ko sa’yo kagabi?” si Cisco ay inayos niya pa ang upuan niya at hinarap ako.

“Sinong kausap mo?” pag-uusisa niya. “Ay lahat gusto malaman?” sabi ni Centi in a sarcastic way.

“Pakialam mo ba?” sagot niya pabalik.

“Pwede ba, ‘wag kayong maingay? Ang gulo niyong dalawa,” reklamo ko. Bigla namang dumating yung isa pang maingay.

I sighed. “Ano ganap? Bad trip ka na naman sa kanilang dalawa? Sabi ko sa’yo eh dapat ako palagi sinasamahan mo kasi ako lang naman ‘yung mabait sa ating lahat,” sabi ni Exis at inakbayan ako.

“Tumigil-tigil ka nga,” iritado kong sabi sa kanya. Naririnig ko pa silang nagbubulungan sa tabi ko.

Nag-scroll lang muna ako. Nakita ko pa yung post ni Percival-picture ‘yon sa airport kahapon pa. So kakapasok niya pa lang ngayon.

Ilang minuto lang ay dumating na sila Syd, Radio, at Chico. Parang kulang nga lang-Conan isn’t there.

“Looking for him?” bulong sa akin ni Cisco kaya siniko ko siya. Tumawa lang si gago.

“San si Conan?” tanong ni Cisco at tiningnan ako. Pinanlakihan ko lang siya ng mata.

“He is sick kaya hindi siya papasok sa first sub niya,” paliwanag ni Chico. Napaisip naman ako kung bakit.

“Bumalik na si Percival, ah,” sabi ni Chico at nilapag ang bag sa lamesa. Tiningnan ko naman si Centi na wala namang pakialam.

“Kita ko nga. Papasok ‘yon ngayon, ah,” bweltang sagot ni Cisco. Humalakhak naman si Radio. “Bumalik na ‘yung lover boy,” dagdag niya at lumapit kay Centi.

“Tumigil ka nga diyan,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Yun oh, yiee,” pang-aasar nilang tatlo sa kanya.

“Kapag nabasag salamin ko, kayo magbabayad,” banta niya.

“Kinikilig ka lang, eh, Hon,” asar pa ni Cisco kaya hinabol niya si Cisco.

“Yari kayo sa akin,” banta niya at tinuro pa sila Radio. “Hawakan niyo ‘yan, Dio, Chico,” sigaw ni Cisco. Hinawakan naman nung dalawa, kami naman ay tumatawa lang.

“Hoy, puta! ‘Wag mo ako i-headlock, tangina mo,” Centi is struggling. Kahit malaking tao si Centi, iba ang laki nung tatlo sa kanya.

6’4 kaming dalawa ni Cisco. Si Dio, Chico, at Exis ay 6’3, at si Centi naman ay 6’0. Si Syd ay 5’11. Matangkad lang talaga si Cisco dahil may lahi; ako naman, matangkad lang talaga kasi sa relatives ko nakuha.

“Hoy, tama na ‘yan! Pumasok na kayo,” sigaw ko sa kanila. Kinuha ko ang bag ko at pumunta sa building namin. Di na ako nagpaalam, nag-message na lang ako.

Habang naglalakad ako ay iniisip ko pa kung bakit nagkasakit si Conan. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at binuksan ang contacts.

“Hi, Conan. How are you? Nabanggit ni Chico na may sakit ka raw…” Napakamot pa ako sa ulo at nakipagtalo pa ako sa utak ko kung i-sesend ko ba o i-de-delete. Napakamot sa ulo. Dinelete ko ‘yon at binulsa.

Nagkita-kita kami nila Cisco sa shop na malapit sa university.

“Trip si Cisco kanina. Pinagtripan ba naman si Sir Kalbo,” narinig kong sabi ni Centi.

Nakita ko si Conan na nakaupo sa tabi ni Chico, nakasandal siya sa sofa habang may tinitipa sa laptop niya. Umupo ako sa tabi ni Dio na may tinatapos din.

Pumunta ako sa counter at umorder ng isang kape at isang pack ng gummies. Nagtitinda sila dito kaya bumili na lang ako.

Bumalik ako sa upuan ko at binuksan ang gummies. “Penge nga ako,” sabi ni Syd at kumuha.

“Di pa nga ako nakakakuha, kumuha ka na kaagad,” iritado kong sabi.

“Patay gutom kasi ‘yan,” sabi ni Chico. I looked at Conan na sinisipon dahil namumula ang ilong niya.

He looked at me and smiled. I gave him a thumbs up and he nodded in response bago bumalik sa ginagawa niya.

Habang nagkukuwentuhan kami, may pumasok sa coffee shop. It’s Percival-his intimidating looks, his strong perfume, and those tattoos showing off on his arms. Kahit ayaw mong tumingin, mapapatingin ka.

Nagtagpo ang mata namin, pero binaling niya iyon kay Centi.

Tumingin ako kay Centi, at nakatingin din siya kay Percival nang diretso sa mata. Parang sinasaksak na ni Centi si Percival sa utak niya. Pumunta na lang si Percival sa counter, kaya hinarap ko si Centi.

“Hoy, ikalma mo nga. Threatened na threatened ka na naman,” sabi ko sa kanya. Inayos niya ang salamin niya at kinuha ang bag niya.

Sinundan namin siya, at nagpaiwan si Conan. Nakita namin na binangga niya sa balikat si Percival.

“Hey, four-eyes. Can’t you see the way?” Percival retorted in his manly voice.

“Paharang-harang ka kasi,” Centi said in a provoking way. Percival clicked his tongue and tapped his shoes on the wooden floor. Centi showed him his middle finger.

“Four-eyes, I think you need to change your glasses,” he chuckled while saying that.

“Kung sapak-sapakin kaya kita?” sabi naman nitong si Centi.

“Hon, I’m just joking,” Percival said, tapping Centi’s shoulder before walking away.

He showed his middle finger to Percival nang tumalikod ito. Tumawa naman sila Exis. “Damn, bro. Si Percival lang pala makakapagpakalma sa’yo,” biro ni Exis.

“Shut up, fucker,” iritadong sabi ni Centi. Bumalik kami sa upuan namin.

“Ang gwapo ni Percival, no’?” sabi pa ni Syd.

“Parang ako lang,” mayabang na sabi ni Cisco.

“Baka nga wala ka pa sa kuko ni Atienza,” sabi ni Dio para lang sirain ang pagpapantasya niya.

“Payag ka nun, Cisco? Wala ka pa raw sa kuko ni Atienza,” natatawang sabi ni Chico.

“Kung ikukumpara niyo lang naman si Atienza kung sino ang kasing gwapo niya, bakit pa kayo lalayo? Eh, nandito lang naman ako,” singit ni Exis kaya sabay-sabay namin siyang binatukan.

“Magpapantasya ka na nga lang, ‘yung hindi mo pa kayang abutin,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Owwww,” sabay-sabay nilang sabi.

“Payag ka nun? Ginaganyan ka ni Abel,” natatawang sabi ni Cisco.

“Pakyu kayo,” sagot na lang niya.

Tumingin ako sa katabi ni Chico. Conan looks so peaceful when he is sleeping. Mabuti at hindi niya kami naririnig dahil naka-earpods siya.

Siniko naman ako ni Cisco at tinaas-baba niya ang kilay niya, halatang nang-aasar.

Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin.

06

DOLCE
.

“May class pa ako, isa. Una na ako sa inyo,” paalam ni Chico, lumapit pa ito sa akin at binulungan ako. 

“Bro, hatid mo si Reil,” he mumbled Nakita ko pang nakatingin sa amin si Conan na nakataas ang isang kilay. 

He tapped my shoulder and smiled, halatang may meaning ‘yon kaya kinunutan ko siya ng kilay. 

Nang makaalis siya ay lumipat ako nang upuan at tumabi Kay Conan. “Hii,” bati niya.

“Balita ko may sakit ka raw,” sabi ko pa. Tumango naman siya sa akin, “ilang araw na kase akong nagpupuyat, I stayed all night talking to you and designing my room,” he explained. 

Parang kasalanan ko pa na nagkasakit siya. “Did you take your meds na ba?” I asked again, “Yes,” maikli niyang sagot sa akin. 

Pinanood ko lang siya habang may ginagawa halatang busy talaga siya, I looked at his highlighted hair; I wanna touch it, tiningnan ko ang mga kaibigan ko na busy sa kung ano mang ginagawa nila.

Mabuti at wala si Cisco, I touched his hair, hinaplos ko ‘yon. He really has silky hair. 

I thought he will be surprised by it but instead hinayaan niya lang ‘yon. Napahinto pa nga siya at tiningnan ako. 

“Are you uncomfortable?” I asked, at inilingan niya lang ako. 

“Sweet niyo ah,” biglang singit na sabi ni Cisco, at natatawang umupo sa tabi ni Centi. “Bwisit ka talaga,” mahina kong sabi sa kanya kaya tinanggal ko ang kamay ko sa buhok ni Conan.

An hour passed at nakatulog nga ulit si Conan sa desk. Sila Syd, Exis, at Dio ay umalis na dahil may klase pa sila.

“Kita nalang tayo ulit mamaya sa Yolo mamaya. Inom tayo,” sabi ni Cisco at kinuha ang bag niya. 

“Isama mo ‘yan. Tara na, Centi,” dadag niya pa. “Tanga may sakit ‘to,” sabi ko pa at napakamot lang siya sa ulo. 

Wala na rin naman akong klase. Hinintay ko nalang na magising si Conan para makauwi na kami at makapagpahinga na siya.

Ilang minuto lang ay nagising na siya at nag-unat. “Anong oras na?” Bungad niyang tanong. 

“5:30 PM,” sagot ko sa kanya at tinanguan ko siya. “Sorry, nakatulog ako. Pinaghintay ba kita ng matagal?” Nagalala niyang tanong habang nagliligpit. Tinulungan ko na siya. 

“Hindi naman,” maikli kong sagot. Worried pa rin talaga siya, “I assure you, it’s okay. Hindi ako nainip,” sabi ko pa sa kanya, halatang worried talaga siya kapag ganyan. One of his habit. 

“Tara na, uwi na tayo,” sabi ko sa kanya at confuse Niya akong tiningnan, “I mean… uwi kana,” sabi ko pa at nauna sa kanya. 

Dinala ko ang bag niya at nilagay sa backseat at binuksan ang front seat. Nakatulog siya ulit dahil masakit daw ang ulo niya. Tiningnan ko siyang nakakrus ang dalawang braso sa dibdib. Ginilid ko muna ang sasakyan at kinuha ang jacket ko sa backseat at pinatong sa kanya. 

Sinimulan ko ulit mag-drive hanggang sa makarating kami sa tapat ng building kung nasaan ang condo niya. 

I stopped on my tracks and looked at Conan sleeping soundly. Tumagilid ako para tingnan siya nang maayos. Ngayon ko lang siya ulit nakitang ganito sa malapitan. 

Dumako ang mata ko sa mukha niya. Just like the first time we met. My eyes drifted on his… umayos ulit ako ng upo, dahil nagising siya. I coughed awkwardly not to tense up. 

“Andito na tayo?” he asked, tumango ako, tinanggal ko ang seatbelt ko. “I’ll go with you,” paalam ko sa kanya. “Okay, and also samahan mo rin ako kumain. Wala akong kasabay,” I was shocked to hear his answer akala ko hindi siya papayag.

Bumababa siya kaya sumunod na ako.  Habang nasa elevator kami ay nagtanong ako sa kanya. “Are you okay now?” 

“Oo, thank you sa paghatid, I appreciate it a lot,” he said smiling. “No, problem,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Pumasok kami sa loob at nilapag ko ang bag niya at bag ko sa sofa. “What do you want to eat?” Tanong niya galing sa kusina. “Kahit ano,” sagot ko. 

“Sinigang gusto mo? I cooked it earlier,” rinig kong sabi niya kaya pumunta ako sa kusina. Ini-init niya ‘yon. 

“Nagluluto ka pala?” Tanong ko. “Oo naman pero bilang lang,” sagot niya, “tikman mo.” Dagdag niya at sinubo sa akin yung laman nung kutsara. 

It’s delicious. Ngayon lang ulit ako nakatikim ng lutong bahay. “Masarap siya, magaling ka naman pala magluto.” Compliment ko sa kanya. 

“Kain na tayo,” aya niya sa akin. Napadami ata ang kain ko kaya napadighay ako. Nag-message ako sa gc namin na hindi ako makakasama ngayon sa inuman. 

Naghugas muna ako ng plato bago ako umalis. Pagkatapos ko ay hinanap ko si Conan para nagpaalam. Wala siya sa sala kaya kumatok ako sa kwarto niya. I knocked three tiimes pero no response. 

“Papasok ako,” sabi ko pa pero pagbukas ko ay natutulog na siya, nakabihis na nga siya ng pantulog niya, I looked around his room may mga manila paper na may nakasulat about course niya, lessons at mga formulas. 

Lumapit ako sa kama at kinumutan siya. Kumuha ako ng isang sticky notes at sinulatan ‘yon.

“Rei, uwi na ako. Thank you for the food! I really like it. I hope matikman ko ulit ang luto mo. 

Abel

⁠.⁠<

Tiningnan ko ulit siya bago lumabas ng kwarto. Pagdating ko sa bahay, kinuha ko agad ang cellphone ko at binuksan ang insta ko. 

I posted a photo, picture ‘yon ng sinigang na may caption pa na: 

“One of my favorites now.”

Mabuti nalang at walang pasok bukas, makakapagpahinga na rin. Maaga akong natulog dahil mag-gym kami.

Pagising ko ay tadtad ng messages ang insta ko. Unang-una sa messages ko ay si Cisco, chismoso talaga. Sineen ko lang ‘yon at nag-ayos na. Habang nasa CR ako ay may may nag-notif. Tiningnan ko ‘yon, si Conan.

Rei:
hello, sorry di nakita nahatid palabas. I’m really tired and I want to sleep. I’m happy na nagustuhan mo ‘yung luto ko.

Napangiti naman ako habang nagt-type. I decided na biruin siya. 

Me:
I even saw you drooling last night.

Rei:
Is that true? Nakakahiya naman
. *
crying emoji
.

I know that he is panicking right now and hiccuping because of that. 

Me:
I’m just kidding.

Hindi na niya ako ni-replyan pa kaya tinapos ko na ang ginagawa ko. 

Kinuha ko ang duffle bag ko at pinakain si Chi Chi bago umalis. Mga lasing pa siguro yung mga ‘yon. 

Pagdating ko ay bungad kaagad si Cisco. “Kaninong pagkain ‘yon?” Tanong niya. Di ko nalang siya pinansin at nilapag ang duffle bag ko sa bench. 

“Di ko alam may sinosoft lunch kana,” sabi niya pa habang nagpupunas ng pawis. “Ano bang pinagsasabi mo diyan ha,” kunot-noo kong sabi habang nags-stretching. 

“Sus, pa-lowkey ka pa diyan. So, kanino nga ‘yon? Mukhang masarap yung sinigang eh,” sabi niya pa habang itinataas baba ang kilay niya. 

“Wala kana don,” sagot ko at pumunta sa pull-up bar. Tumalon ako para abutin ‘yon. Dumating sila Exis at Dio kasama si Centi. Sumabit pa ‘tong si Syd. 

“Kita ko story mo, ah,” bungad ni Dio na sabi sa akin. Bumababa ako at hinarap siya. “Who do you think it is?” Tanong ko sa kanya. 

“One of your new targets, I guess?” Nakangisi niyang sabi. I tapped his shoulder at pumunta sa bench para uminom ng tubig. 

“Hoy, Syd, anong ginagawa mo dito? Di ka naman nag-gym,” rinig kong sabi ni Cisco. “Pwede ba Cisco wag ka nga mangialam,” pagsusungit ni Syd. 

Nahahalata ko na hindi talaga masyadong nagpapansinan si Syd at Dio. Ayaw ko naman banggitin sa kanila ‘yon. 

Naalala ko tuloy nung tinanong ko si Dio dati nung nasa studio kami kung anong masasabi niya kay Syd. Ang sagot ba naman sa akin, “Tropa lang.”

Napailing nalang ako. Tiningnan ko kung sino ang nakatayo sa harapan ko, I sighed. 

Si Jade “You didn’t answer my messages! you even left me on read!” Reklamo niya sa matinis niyang boses. Makakairita, tangina. 

Tumawa naman si Dio na nakatayo sa tapat ng bench. “Sabi ko sa’yo Centi angkinin mo na ‘to eh, type mo naman,” natatawang sabi ni Radio. 

“Sorry, I don’t pick up people who have been thrown away by Shanti,” Centi responded. “Try mo tanungin si Exis. He likes girls like Jade.” Dadag niya pa halatang gustong pagtripan si Jade.

“Shut up, kupal,” sabi ni Exis, “you guys are so unbelievable! Lalo kana, Abel! you liked me first and now you don’t like me anymore?” She angirly said.

I sighed in frustration and faced her. I calmed myself first, not wanting to shout at her. “Jade, you know me. If I like someone and started chasing them I’m really interested. But once they are interested in me, I’m uninterested. So don’t act like I am your boyfriend and stop pestering me,” I explained. I stood up and put my earpods on, at pumunta sa treadmill. 

This is why I don’t like screwing up with girls, they are too much to take.

07

DOLCE

“Don’t do anything stupid,” paalala ni ate sa akin habang inaayos ang damit ko. 

I nodded in response. Every year, before our vacation, we have this family dinner since don lang naman kami nagkakasamang magkakapamilya. It’s weird to call it that way. 

Sumakay kami ni Ate sa kotse ko. “We have to sleep there,” sabi niya pa. No, not this time. 

“Ayaw ko, ate. I hope we don’t argue about this anymore,” sabi ko nalang sa kanya. hindi na siya umangal at umalis na kami. 

I exhaled and fixed my composure. I hope I won’t burst out tonight. Pumasok kami ni Ate. We are greeted by high ceilings, a big chandelier hanging there, and a piano near the stairwell. 

“Good evening po ma’am Aya and Sir Abel. Ang magulang niyo po ay pinapatawag na po kayo sa dining area,” bungad sa amin ng mayordoma ng bahay. 

When we entered the dining area, we are greeted by our cousins. And some kids running around, may nakabangga pa sa akin. “Sorry, Kuya Abel,” the kid apologized.

“Oh, here are my children,” mom greeted us at nakipagbeso sa kanya. “I miss you guys, umupo na kayo,” sabi pa ni Mama at umupo sa katabing upuan kung saan nakaupo si Dad. 

When Dad arrive at the table, we fell into silence. Even the kids who were running around were seated on their chairs. His intimidating looks, his eyes that I got, and also the similarities I didn’t want–he carried them all.

“Shall we start?” he asked and my relatives nodded. We eat in silence, not wanting to break it. 

“How was school, Aya, Abel?” Dad asked and we looked at him. “It’s fine, Dad. I got into the Dean’s List again for this semester.” Ate Aya said.

“How about you, Abelano?” Dad asked again and faced me nilalaro ko lang yung pagkain. “It’s fine, nothing special,” I said boredly, not wanting him to ask me again. 

I saw my Mom’s hand holding Dad’s, refraining him from doing that thing.

“Hey, Alexandra, I’ve heard your son got into very prestigious schools in the US. Am I right?” One of my aunt asked the mistress.

“Oh, yes. He is now studying there. It’s good na nakapasok siya since it’s better than here,” alexsandra responded smiling hinawakan pa ang braso ng anak niya.

“Nakapasok lang naman yung anak mo because of Dad’s money,” I whispered. 

“Pardon?” she said at binaba ang kubyertos. They were speechless about it. 

“Is that how you talk to elders, Abel?” Dad asked. “Why? Does the mistress now deserve respect?” I asked sarcastically.

“Abel,” mahinang sabi ni Ate. I looked at Sad. “Bakit ate, totoo naman ah,” sabi ko pa sa kanya.

“Shut up, Abel. Where did you get that?” He asked angrily, halatang nagpipigil lang. 

“Ang lakas din ng loob mo Dad na imbitahin yang kabit mo dito sa bahay ni mommy,” sabi ko sa kanya. 

“A mistress doesn’t deserve to sit at the same table with us, especially you Dad.” I said looking at them, gritting my teeth.

Tumayo siya halatang nagulat sa sinabi ko. 

“Shut your damn mouth, Abelano, or I will throw you out of this house.” Matigas niyang sabi. 

“Go ahead, Dad. Yan lang naman ang kayang mong gawin. Now that everyone knows that Alexandra is your mistress, nahihiya ka na?” I asked provoking him even more. 

I slammed my hand on the table, frightening some of cousins. Bago ako umalis, ay may sinabi pa ako. 

“I hate you, Dad. I hate that I am your child,” I said and walked away. 

“Come back here, Abelano!” sigaw ni Dad. Sumunod naman sa akin si Ate at Mommy sa taas papuntang kwarto ko.

“Abel, you shouldn’t do that,” bungad ni Mommy. She’s crying again. 

“Ma, what do you want me to do? I just can’t take it anymore. They are disrespecting you in front of me!” madiin kong sabi. 

“Why can’t you just fucking leave Dad? I’m so sick seeing you crying everytime we are together. Just for once l, Ma. Stop caring about Dad… Care for yourself also,” I said crying and holding her hand. 

“Do you think i-it’s easy for me to let go of your dad?” She asked stuttering. “I’m doing this because of you and Aya. I have my reasons,” she said crying. 

“But Ma, I hate your reasons. It doesn’t make sense!” I shouted and put my hands on my hair, gripping them. 

“I love your, Dad, Abel.” She said crying. “But he is cheating on you with your sister!” I said before walking away again, not wanting to hear her explanation.

I hate them. I got into my car and drove away. I opened my phone and went to messages. 

Shanti:
Inom tayo. 

Inaya ko sila just ease these feeling. I leaned back, closed my eyes, and slammed the steering wheel. While mumbling words. 

“Fuck them!” I shouted frustratedly.

Nang makarating ako sa bar, umorder na kaagad ako ng isang case ng alak. “Bring them to VIP section,” I ordered one of the waiters. 

Hawak ko ang isang San Miguel beer sa kaliwang kamay ko habang nakikipagsiksikan sa mga tao. Some people were calling my name but I didn’t mind them. Not now. 

I waited for a few minutes at dumating sila Cisco, nagtutulukan pa sila Centi kung sino unang papasok. 

“Tabi nga diyan,” iritadong sabi ni Radio at tinulak si Centi at pumunta sa harap ko. 

“Huy bro,” bati niya at umupo sa tabi ko, sabay kuha ng isang Jack Daniel’s. He poured it into a shot glass. “Cheers,” sabi niya, and  we toasted. 

When I looked at the door. I saw Chico entering, kasama niya si Conan. It’s already midnight, why is he here? Hindi ko nalang pinansin at nakipag-usap nalang kay Radio. We talked about random stuff. 

MAURICIO
 

When I entered the bar, I was greeted by the smell of liquor. I pinched my nose and wrinkled my face. 

Pumasok kami sa isang VIP room, and there I saw Abel sitting on the couch, talking with Radio. Di man lang ako pinansin. 

We sat down. “Tabihan ko lang si Abel,” paalam ni kuya Chico. “Andito ka pala  Conan,” bati sa akin ni Syd at binigyan ako ng isang beer at kinuha ko ‘yon.

Umayos siya ng upo at sinimulan akong kausapin. “Do you know na madalang lang mag-aya si Abel ng ganito?” He asked kaya nilingon ko siya. 

“Kapag nag-aya siya ibig-sabihin lang non, he wants to ease his feelings. Alak lang katapat niyan, pati kami, okay na siya.” Kwento niya at tinatanguan ko lang siya. 

“Bakit madalang lang? He is always present pa nga sa mga ganitong events,” I asked, already curious about his answer.

“Because he has family problems. His Dad has a mistress—kapatid ng Mama niya. It’s sick right? kasama pa nga sa dinner nila. It’s hard for him to see that his Mom is being disrespected like that,” he said and bowing his head.

“Si Abel, ganyan-ganyan lang pero nasasaktan talaga siya. He never tells his problems to anyone kahit sa amin, because he feels that he is a burden. Iniisip niya na lahat ng tao ay may problema at ayaw niyang dumagdag. He is tough guy outside, but he really isn’t strong inside.” Dadag niya pa. 

Napatingin ako kay Abel. He was laughing at Cisco’s joke while holding a beer bottle. He really must be sad. I’ve never seen a guy who looks happy but is actually hurting deep inside. It’s sad how laughter can mask so much pain.

ABEL
 

Nakitang kong nagkukuwentuhan si Syd at Conan. Na-curious tuloy ako. Ano kayang pinag-uusapan nila. 

“Anong tawag sa organ ng bata ang paging nage-eyy?” Tanong ni Cisco.

Triny pang hulaan ni Radio kung ano ‘yon. “Sirit na? Sirit?” Cisco asked ready to spill it.

“Edi kid-NEE-y!” sabi niya, sabay galaw ng mga kamay niya.

Radio grabbed a magazine on the table and hit Cisco’s head. “Hmmp, wala namang kwenta yung joke mo. Ang corny,” pagrereklamo ni Centi.

“Takpan mo ‘yang tenga mo kung ayaw mo marinig ang joke ko,” buwelta naman ni Cisco. 

“Nyenye,” pangaasar ni Centi. 

Tumayo ako para magyosi.

“Oh, saan ka pupunta?” Radio asked, stopping me. “Sa labas lang,” paalam ko at naglakad palabas.

Nang makalabas ako, kinuha ko ang cellphone ko sa bulsa ko at hinanap ang pangalan niya. 

Me:
Yosi Break tayo.

After I sending that, I lit up my cigarette. and I inhaled it deeply and blew it out into the called air. 

“Abel,” he called. 

08

DOLCE
.

“Abel,” he called catching my attention. The burden that I was feeling washed away at sight of him again. Kung kanina ay parang tanga akong walang pake sa kanya, pero ngayon meron na.

“Conan,” tawag ko sa kanya. “Tama na kakayosi, baka ilulong mo ‘yang sarili mo diyan,” sambit niya.

“Akin na nga ‘yan,” he said, taking the cigarette from my lips and placing it on his. I stared at him, dumbfounded.

“What?” Taas kilay niyang tanong na nagtataka. “As far as I can remember, super maarte ka. Laway conscious ka pa naman,” sabi ko sa kanya, napangiwi siya sa sinabi ko.

“It’s not like you have mouth disease,” he stated not caring about it. He blew the smoke out of his mouth and nose.

He threw the cigar on the floor and stepped on it. “Meron ka pa diyan?” he asked again.

I handed him one, and I lit it. He gestured me na tabihan ko siya, parehas kami ngayon na nakasandal sa likod ng kotse.

“Okay kana?” he asked, “I guess so, Syd must have told you about it,”  I said bowing my head.

“Sorry,” rinig kong sabi niya na nagpatingala sa akin. “Bakit?” taas kilay kong tanong na.

“Kase inalam ko kahit di naman dapat,” mahina niyang sabi, halatang naga-alala.

“Hey, okay lang. You are one of my friends now—you deserve to know. Atsaka, di naman sekreto ‘yon sa aming magt-tropa,” paliwanag ko sa kanya para hindi na siya magalala.

For the mean time hinayaan ko nalang muna siyang kumalma. Just like I thought okay na siya. Lumapit siya sa akin, “sama ka sakin, ako ang magd-drive,” aya niya, at hinila ako papuntang kotse ko ako naman ay nagpahila sa kanya.

“San susi?” Ani niya at inilahad ang palad sa akin. I handed him my keys at pumasok sa passenger seat. “You know how to drive?” Tanong ko habang nags-seatbelt.

“Oo,” he responded habang nagkakabit ng seatbelt niya, “ano na? tara na?” Tanong niya habang nakangiti, tinaguan ko siya.

Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa bintana at pumikit, I sighed. Bumukas ang bintana ng kotse ko kaya napatingin ako kay Conan na parang may gustong ipararing sa akin.

“Go ahead,” he gestured me to feel the breeze against my skin. Sinunod ko siya at nilabas ko ang ulo ko sa bintana at tinaas ang dalawang kamay sa labas. I closed my eyes just to feel it.

“Wohoooo!” I shouted at the top of lungs. Closing my eyes, I let the wind carry away some of the sadness I had been holding onto. Thanks to him.

“San ba tayo pupunta?” Tanong ko sa kanya, “Chill ka lang,” ani niya at di ako tiningnan.

Mga ilang minuto lang ay nakarating kami sa pupuntahan namin. Pagbaba naming dalawa ay huminto kami sa isang bridge, sa ilalim ‘non ay parang gubat then matatanaw mo ‘yung ilaw sa siyudad.

“Alam mo ba dito ako pumupunta kapag gusto kong magpahinga, mahangin pa tapos maganda yung tanawin. Calming.” he explained, the cold breeze was hitting his face making his hair messier.

“Nagustuhan mo ba? Sorry, this is all I could do,” ani niya, at nawala ang ngiti sa labi. Naghihintay sa isasagot ko sa kanya.

“This kind of thing isn’t small. Thank you dito ha, kahit papaano na naibsan talaga yung nararamdaman ko.” Mahinahon kong sagot sa kanya

“May paraan para mas gumaan ‘yan, since tayo lang naman dalawa andito. Isigaw mo na kung anong nararamdaman mo, only the heavens, creatures and I will hear it. Say what you feel. Maybe in that way, the sadness or the disappointment you are feeling will ease.” Pagmomotivate niya sa akinz para ilabas kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko.

I breath in slowly and breath out slowly.

“I hope Mom realizes how much I love her. At sana hiwalayan niya na niya si Daddy because the only thing I love is my mom and Ate Aya!” Sigaw ko, kung ano man ang gusto kong sabihin sa ngayon. Yung luha na kanina ko pa gustong ilabas ay parang ilog kung umagos.

Nagulat ako ng yakapin ako ni Conan. His cold body was collided with mine.

I burst into tears dahil di ko na kaya talagang pigilan. “Shhh, okay lang ‘yan, i-iyak mo lang hanggat gusto mo,” he soothed me with his word, habang hinahagod ang likod ko.

It was the first that I cried in front of someone besides Mom and Ate Aya. His presence made me feel safe, the way his words calm me is in another level.

I was sobbing hard, ni ayaw ko na nga huminto. He hates hugs. I knew it dahil ayaw niyang nagpapayakap kay Chico. He is not a clingy person pero ngayon na siya ang yumakap sa akin parang privilage na ‘yon sa akin. Parang ako na ang pinakamaswerteng tao sa mundo.

I’m lucky that I met him.

Ilang minuto pa kaming ganoon, hinahagod niya pa rin ang likod ko. Ako na ang humiwalay sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya, para akong bata na pinupunasan ang sariling luha dahil sa kakaiyak. I even started hiccuping, nakakahiya na masyado.

I was wiping my tears with the back of my hand, namumula na rin ang ilong ko kakasinghot. He cupped my cheeks with his delicate hands making me face him.

“Are you okay now?” Nakatingala niyang tanong.

“Yes, shorty,” asar ko sa kanya, his worried expression drop, natawa naman ako kaya.

“Okay kana nga. Inaasar mo na ako eh,” he casually said, “baka nagagalit ka?” Natatawa kong tanong sa kanya. “Hindi kaya,” he said crossing his arms, avoiding my gaze.

Natawa pa ako lalo sa kanya, nalukot tuloy ang expresyon niya dahil sa akin. Matampuhin pala ‘to eh.

Itinigil ko na ang pangaasar at nagpakaseryoso. Tinawag ko siya sa nickname na palagi kong tinatawag sa kanya.

“Rei, look at me.” I called, kaya tumingin siya. “Joke aside, but thank you for this talaga. I appreciate it a lot, masaya ako dahil dito mo ako dinala,” pagpapasalamat ko sa kanya.

“It’s okay,” natawa pa siya habang sinasabi ‘yon sa akin, “punasan mo ‘yang sipon mo.” He shook his head, a small grin playing on his lips.

Kinapa ko naman yung sipon ko at agad na pinunasan ‘yon. “Nakakahiya, tangina.” I muttered under my breath, making him chuckle.

Pumasok siya passenger seat at binuksan ang bintana, “drive ka, inaantok na ako,” utos niya habang humihikab. Inaantok na talaga siya dahil halata sa kanya, alas kuwatro na kaya ng umaga.

“Rei, sa bahay nalang kita matulog wala si Ate.” Pagpapaalam ko sa kanya habang nagkakabit ng seatbelt, medyo malayo pa ang condo niya.

Paglingon ko sa kanya ay tulog na nga siya, nakalimutan pa nga niyang magseatbelt. Natawa naman ako at umiling. Kinuha ko ang seatbelt sa gilid niya at hinila ‘yon.

Ramdam ko ang mainit niyang hininga sa leeg ko, kahit ramdam ko ay hindi ko siya tinitingnan. Napalunok ako at umayos ng upo. Kinuha ko sa backseat ang jacket ko at ipantong ‘yon sa kanya.

I grabbed my cellphone at binuksan ko ‘yon. Tadtad ng messages ‘yon nila Radio, tinatanong kung nasaan ako pati si Conan ay hinahanap na. Sineen ko lang sila.

As I started the car, I took a moment to glance at his sleeping face. His furrowed brows relaxed, and his lips slightly parted. He looked vulnerable, almost angelic.

Nang makarating kami ay hindi ko na ginising si Conan, ayaw ko siyang gisingin dahil mahihirapan siya makatulog. Binuksan ko muna ang gate at pinasok ang kotse sa garahe.

Inayos ko ang puwesto niya at pinasan siya sa likod ko. Grabe ang gaan niya lang, ano kayang timbang niya mga nasa 44 kg. Binuksan ko ang kwarto gamit ang isang kaliwang kamay ko at inihiga siya sa kama, naririnig ko pang tumatahol si Chi Chi sa pintuan kaya pinatahimik ko.

Kinumutan ko siya, I scanned his face. Nakanunot ang noo habang natutulog. Is he dreaming?

Inayos ko ang kilay niyang magkasalubong at may binulong ako sa kanya.

“Kahit sa panaginip parang may inaaway ka,” natatawa ko pang sambit. Before I leave may kung ano na naman akong naiisip. Tangina, nakikipagtalo pa ako sa sarili ko.

Puta kailan pa ako naging ganito? Baliw na ba ako? Lord, sana hindi pa. Nagisip pa ako, it wouldn’t hurt naman to try. Sabi ko pa sa sarili.

Magmumukha kaya akong manyak nito kase hahalikan ko siya noo niya habang tulog siya?

Before I could overthink it, I leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead. It lasted barely a second.

09

DOLCE

“Salamat bakasyon na!” sigaw ni Cisco, sabay hagis ng mga papel sa ere.

“Dalawang buwan kaya bakasyon natin, di ba kayo masaya?” Tanong pa ni Cisco. Sla Chico at Centi focus pa rin sa ginagawa nila dahil may ipapasa sila.

“Hoy, kano. Manahimik ka diyan baka busalan ko ‘yang bibig mo,” buwelta ni Centi habang may tinatype.

“Talaga ba, hon. Inuna kase pagpapababy sa shota niyang bulol sa tagalog bago gawin pendings niya,” asar niya kay Centi.

“Pakyu, kupal!” mura ni Centi. “Tmigil kana nga Cisco, kapag pinagtulungan ka niyan. Di talaga kita tutulungan,” pigil ko sa kanya sa kung ano man naman sasabihin niya.

Umupo siya sa tabi ko at sumandal sa sofa. “San kayo nangaling ni Conan last last week nung naginuman tayo?” Tanong niya, hindi ko siya pinansin at nag-scroll lang sa insta.

“Bro! Sabihin mo na, hindi ko naman ipagsasabi,” pagpupumilit niya at kumapit pa talaga sa braso ko.

Centi and Chico grabbed their eraser and threw them to Cisco, ni walang siyang kaalam-alam. Napabuga ng hininga si Chico at hinarap si Cisco.

“Hayaan mo nga siya kung ayaw niya sabihin,” iritadong sabi ni Chico at tiningnan ako na para bang may alam siya na hindi ko alam.

I saw Cisco pout infront of them. “Mukha kang pato, yung sa WonderPets,” natatawa kong sabi sa kanya. “Sino nga ‘yon?” Sunod kong tanong.

“Si ming-ming,” masaya kong sabi nang malaman ko. Bumusangot naman itong si Cisco.

“Bakit ayaw mo ba kay ming-ming, cute kaya ‘yon. Madalas panoorin ‘yon ng kapatid ko sa Yey,” singit ni Centi.

“Gusto ko ako yung leader don,” kontra niya, namili pa talaga ang gago.

“Sino don? Si Linny?” Tanong ni Centi at inayos ang salamin niyan

“Oo, ‘yon yung palaging kumakain ng celery,” ani ni Cisco. “Tapos Ikaw si Tuck kase mabagal ka pa sa mabagal,” natatawa pa niyang pagkakasabi kay Centi halatang gustong-gusto asarin si gago.

Ito namang si Chico, ay seryoso lang walang balak makipagbiruan sa dalawa. Kaya lumapit ako.

“Sup, bakit parang pinagsakluban ka ng langit at lupa?” Tanong ko sa kanya, pero di ako sinasagot. Umiling lang siya sa akin.

“Bad trip ka sa shota mo?” Tanong ko pa sa kanya, “Ang baduy naman ng shota parang pangkanto,” agaran niyang responde sa sinabi ko.

“Hay nako,” napailing nalang ako at tinapik-tapik ang balikat niya. Tiningnan ko ulit ‘yung dalawa na di pa rin humihinto sa asaran nila.

Dumating si Exis at Syd na may hawak na mga libro, “Sup, mga tropa,” bati ni Exis sa amin sabay fist bump sa amin.

“Ano pinaga-awayan nilang dalawa?” Tanong ni Exis, gusto ata makisali. “Wag kana makisali, asar talo ka pa naman,” babala ko kaya itnikom niya ang bunganga niya.

“San si Dio?” Palinga-lingang yanong ni Syd, siguro ay hinahanap niya kung nandito ba siya.

“Wala dito baby mo-khzhhdhdhd,” sabat naman ni Exis, pero tinakpan ni Syd ang bunganga niya. His making muffled noises.

We looked at them confusedly na parang bang naghihintay kung ano man ‘yon.

“Wala dito, kasama si Conan paparating na rin ‘yon sila,” sagot naman ni Chico.

Natuon ang pansin ko sa kakapasok lang na si Radio, may dala si Conan na smootie, strawberry ata ‘yon. Naka-akbay si Dio sa kanya na nagpataas ng kilay ko.
What the fuck.

Noong nakaraan, walang exemption tapos ngayon makikita kong may kaakbayan? The audacity.

Nabalik lang ako sa huwisyo ng sikuhin ako ni Cisco, tarantado talaga ang baliw na ‘to.

“Uyy selos siya,” he said while grinning, kupal talaga.

Masaya naman ako dahil close na siya ng mga tropa ko, pero dapat mas close kami. Bigla ko na lamang naisip ‘yon.

Bwisit talaga.

“Kailan pala tayo luluwas?” Tanong ni Chico at isinara ang laptop niya. Binigay niya ‘yon kay Conan na katabi ni Dio sa upuan.

“Rides tayo,” suggest ni Cisco, “miss ko na magmotor,” dadag niya pa at umagree naman kami.

“Dadala ako kotse,” presenta ni Syd. “Bakit? Rides nga eh,” takang ni Cisco.

“Marunong ba ‘yan magmotor atsaka walang lagayan mga gamit natin,” sagot naman Dio sa tanong ni Cisco.

Nakita ko pang nagkatinginan silang dalawa at parehas nagiwas ng tingin.

“What day tayo luluwas?” Exis asked again. “Sa susunod na araw, madaling araw tayo umalis, mas maganda.” Suggestion ni Cisco. Lahat naman kami nagsitanguan.

“Do you know how to drive ba, Conan?” Cisco asked, kaya lahat kami nakatingin kay Conan, naghihintay sa sagot niya.

While sipping on his smootie, he shook his head, his rosy cheeks are visible dahil sa nahihiya siya. He suddenly started to hiccup na patakip naman siya ng bibig niya.

We chuckled in amusement.

“Cuteness overload talaga, eh no?” sambit ni Cisco habang gustong pisilin ang pisngi ni Conan. Kaya kinurot ko siya.

“Aray ko!” reklamo niya. “Ang random mo,” dagdag pa niya habang tinarayan ako.

Inabutan siya ng tubig ni Chico, tapos binuksan ‘yon ni Dio.

“Kay Syd muna sasakay si Conan dahil madaling araw pa ‘yon. Antukin siya kaya hindi siya pwedeng umangkas,” sabi ni Chico. Tumango naman si Syd.

“Sino maggo-grocery kasama ko?”

“Ako!” sabay naming sagot ni Radio. Nagkatinginan kami.

Si Conan ay biglang nagsalita. “Si Dio na lang ang isasama ko,” aniya, sabay lingon kay Cisco. Buti na lang may sinabi na tama ang loko.

“Sasama kami ni Abel,” sabat ni Cisco. “Naputol ‘yung drumstick ko, tapos kailangan din bumili ni Abel ng strings sa gitara niya kasi naputol din,” dagdag niya habang nakaakbay sa akin.

Pagtingin ko kay Cisco, nag-wink pa ang gago. “You owe me one,” bulong niya.

“Okay, sige. Huwag niyo pagbibitbitin si Conan. Sasapak-sapakin ko kayo tatlo” banta ni Chico.

“Grabe ka, ingat na ingat parang akala mo magagasgasan kapag kasama kami, eh no?” sarkastik na pagkakasabi ni Cisco.

“Oo, lalo ka na. Lapitin ka pa naman ng disgrasya, baka madamay mo pa si Conan,” sagot ni Chico.

“Nyenye, manahimik ka na tanda,” buwelta ni Cisco. Ang kulit talaga, parang hindi nauubusan ng pang-asar. Ewan ko ba kung sa niya nakukuha ‘yan.

Mabuti nga  hindi na barok magtagalog si Cisco. Diretso na magsalita, at kung ano-ano na ang natututunan.

“Pahiram ng Suzuki Hayabusa mo, ‘yung black with a touch of red. Palit tayo, sa’yo muna Ducati ko,” pakikipagtrade ni Cisco sa akin.

“Ano ba gusto mo? Multistrada V2 S o Streetfighter V4?” tanong niya ulit. “Pag-iisipan ko muna,” sagot ko.

“Bukas ng gabi, sa bahay ko kayo matulog, ha,” aya ni Cisco. “Ang mabagal kumilos, iiwan namin,” pagpaparinig niya kay Centi

“Baka sarili mo ang pinaparinggan mo, ha,” sabat ni Exis.

“Ulol,” sagot ni Cisco sabay taas ng middle finger kay Exis.

Nandito na kami sa Mall, kakaba lang namin sasakyan ni Cisco, ni-hindi kami nagpapansinan ni Conan may mga times na nagkakatingnan kami pero nagi-iwas din siya ng tingin.

“Oh, sasama kayo sa pag-grocery?” tanong ni Dio. “Oo, bakit?” sagot ni Cisco.

“Mamaya pa naman kami bibili. Mabilis lang ‘yon,” paliwanag ni Cisco.

Kumuha si Conan ng cart at nagprisenta siya na ang magtutulak. Hinayaan na lang namin.

“Bitbitin mo ‘to,” utos niya sa akin sabay abot ng tote bag niya. Tinanggap ko naman agad at tinabihan siya habang naglalakad.

Habang naglalakad kami at kumukuha siya Ng mga pagkain nadadalhin namin. “Why are you ignoring me?” I asked suddenly dahil di ko an talaga mapigilan.

“Ha?” Aligaga niyang sagot, “bakit mo ako iniwasan,” Tanong ko sa kanya, he is avoiding my gaze.

“Hey, what’s wrong, did I made uncomfy ba Nung nakaraan?” Pago-overthink Kong Tanong. Worried na baka uncomfy siya sa bahay ko non.

“Hindi ‘yon ah,” sabi biya pa, “eh bakit nga?” Tanong ko ulit, napakamot na siya sa ulo niya.

Bumuntong hininga siya at hinila ako kasama yung cart sa kabilang asiele para mawala kami sa paningin nila Cisco.

“Why did you kiss me sa forehead?” tanong niya bigla, dahilan para hindi ako makapagsalita. Alam niya?

Sira na talaga ang imahe ko sa kanya. Siguradong manyak na tingin niya sa akin.

“Uhhh ehh,” hindi ko masagor ang tanong niya kaya napakamot nalang ako sa ulo.

“Shan,” he softly called making me look at him. He called me Shan, what the heck.

“Answer me,” ulit niya, ngayon may halong diin ang boses niya.

“It’s a token of appreciation for that night. Please don’t think I’m a pervert,” pakiusap ko habang while both of my hand is clasp together.

Okay lang magmukha akong tanga, basta huwag lang niya isipin na manyak ako at pinagsamantalahan ko siya habang tulog.

Napatawa siya, kaya napakunot ang noo ko. “You’re so funny, Abel,” natatawa niyang sabi bago tuluyang itinulak ulit ang cart.

I’m doomed. Pinagti-tripan niya lang pala ako.

10

DOLCE

“Ano ba ‘yan, Cisco, napakalikot mo,” reklamo ni Centi. “Bakit ba, nakakatakot kaya,” sabi niya pa habang tinatakpan ang tainga niya.

“Lumabas ka na lang kung natatakot ka lang din naman. Mas malaki ka pa sa akin tapos ikaw pa ‘tong natatakot,” dagdag pa ni Centi.

“Be quiet, ikukwento ko na,” patatahimik ko sa kanilang dalawa. “Tapos doon sa may hagdan, may naglalakad pababa, lalo na kapag first time mo matulog sa bahay namin na ‘yon,” kwento ko sa kanila.

Nakikinig lang sila sa akin, halatang curious sa mga pinagsasabi ko kahit hindi naman totoo.

“Kapag gabi na at hindi ka pa tulog, may papakita sila sa’yo lalo na kapag nakatalukbong ka tapos si—” I was interrupted by Cisco screaming.

“Tama naaa!” sigaw niya kaya hinampas siya ni Centi. “Tangina mo naman, andun na sa exciting part eh,” reklamo ni Centi at kinurot sa hita si Cisco.

Napabusangot naman si Cisco dahil doon. “Tama na nga, matulog na tayo. Patayin mo ang ilaw, Cisco,” utos niya kay Cisco at inilangan lang siya nito.

Humiga kaming lahat at hinayaan namin siyang nakatayo para patayin ang ilaw.

“Ikaw na, Chico, magpatay. Ako pa u-utusan mo eh,” reklamo niya. Hindi siya pinakinggan ni Chico at nagtalukbong ng kumot.

Tabi-tabi kami natulog sa sala, nasa pagitan namin ni Chico si Conan na ngayon ay nakapikit na.

I put my arms at the back of my head para gawing unan ‘yon. Yung makapal na kumot ay ibinigay ko sa kanya. Minulat niya ang mata niya at tiningnan ako.

“Ayaw mo magkumot? Share tayo?” aniya at kinumutan ako. “Umusog kayo doon,” sambit ni Cisco at pinausog sila Centi.

Nairita na ako dahil nasisikipan na si Conan, halos mapiga na siya sa pagitan namin ni Chico. “Hoy, ano ba, umayos ka nga, Cisco. Nasisikipan na kami dito,” kunot-noo kong reklamo sa kanya kaya umayos na siya.

Bumalik ako sa pagkakahiga at hindi masyadong dumikit kay Rei dahil ayaw niyang may dumidikit sa kanya.

Pinikit ko ang mata ko. Ilang segundo pa lang ay tinawag niya ako. “Shan,” aniya. “Umusog ka dito,” utos niya. He patted the small space between us.

Nag-aalangan pa ako noong una pero sinunod ko na lang siya. Napansin niya siguro na sobrang dikit ko na sa sofa.

Inayos niya ang kumot namin. I felt the electricity rush down to my arms up until my body. My stomach made a churn because our hands touched for a second. What was that?

Inilayo ko ang kamay ko sa kanya at ganoon rin ang ginawa niya. Nagulat din siya siguro.

Pagmulat ng mata ko, wala na sa tabi ko si Rei. I stood up and stretched out my body. Ginising ko si Cisco na nakadantay kay Centi.

“Wake up, Cisco. Tulog mantika ka,” tawag ko sa kanya. Noong una ay ayaw niya pang gumising at hinawi pa ang kamay ko.

Hinayaan ko na lang siya dahil maaga pa naman. Mamaya pa kaming alas kuwatro aalis. Pumunta ako ng kusina at doon ko nakita si Rei na kumakain.

He is sitting there in a high chair. I sat beside him, and he looked at me. Inilahad niya sa akin ang sandwich na kinakain niya pero inilingan ko siya.

Tahimik lang kaming dalawa habang kumakain siya. Naisipan ko tuloy tanungin si Rei about sa pag-akbay ni Dio. Ewan, gusto ko lang malaman. I’m just curious.

“Rei,” I called. I collected all my courage just to ask him about that. Para akong tanga na tatanungin pa ‘yon sa kanya.

“Hmm?” he responded while munching his food. “I know that this is so off. I’m just curious, bakit naka-akbay sa’yo si Dio last time?” I asked.

Natawa naman siya sa sinabi ko. “We are just playing around. Why?” he asked while a smile is plastered on his face.

“Naalala ko kasi na you hate skinship, so I’m just curious kung bakit,” aniya at napakamot pa sa ulo.

“Even if I hate skinship, it doesn’t mean na di na ako pwedeng akbayan,” he responded and stood up.

“So, alam mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. “Ang alin?” Tiningnan ko lang siya. Alam ko na alam niya.

“Ah, ‘yung doon ako natulog sa kwarto mo,” aniya at tumango-tango. “Oo,” dagdag niya at inayos ang mga pinagkainan niya.

All my nervousness about that damn time showed up, making me all so conscious. “Aren’t you going to avoid me for that?” I asked nervously. It’s not visible from my voice. But it clearly shows up in my eyes.

“No, Abel, why would I do that? It’s just a kiss. It’s normal,” he simply said. I sighed in relief.

But wait, does that mean people do that to him every time? Halos malugmok ako sa kinauupuan ko habang iniisip ‘yon.

Lumabas kami sa sala and we saw them readying. Lumapit ako sa sofa kung nasaan ang bag ko.

“Tapos na kayo mag-bebe time?” Pagsabi ni Cisco noon ay binato ko siya ng toothpaste na dala-dala ko.

Inilagay ko ang bag ko sa likod ko. Naririnig ko pang tumatawa si Cisco. Binitbit ko ang bag nila Syd at Conan dahil may ginagawa pa sa kitchen.

After kong ilagay lahat ‘yon sa likod ng kotse ay kumuha ako ng stick ng isang sigarilyo.

Sinindihan ko ‘yon at binuksan ang cellphone ko. I messaged Ate Aya to look after Sunny and Chi-Chi. Pinabantay ko kay Ate yung aso ni Rei dahil walang magbabantay.

When I saw Conan coming, I threw the stick on the floor and stepped on it at inayos ang postura ko. Nakita ko siyang may dala-dalang mga gamit na ewan ko kung ano.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at nag-alok ng tulong. “Ako na,” noong una ay ayaw niya pa ibigay sa akin, pero nang mag-insist ako, pumayag na siya.

Sumunod siya sa akin para buksan yung likod ng kotse. “Ano ba ‘to?” tanong ko sa kanya habang nilalapag gamit niya.

“Painting board siya tapos ‘yung ano ko, salbabida,” sabi niya at halatang nahihiya sa dulo niyang sinabi.

Pinipigilan kong ngumiti dahil baka magtampo sa akin.

“Ano, ready na ba kayo?” tanong ni Chico nang lahat kami ay nasa labas na.

We used a radio for communication. Nakangkas sa akin si Chico para palitan sila ni Syd kung sakaling mapagod siya.

“Kuya Chico,” Rei called at lumapit sa kanya sa bintana. “I forgot my slippers, yung pink na may fur, nadala mo ba ‘yon?” narinig kong tanong niya dahil medyo malapit ako sa kanila.

“I did,” he responded. Conan flashed a smile and thanked him. Inubos ko muna yung Nerds na kinakain ko bago magsuot ng helmet.

“Cisco, Dio, mauna kayo. Sa likod kami ni Exis at Centi,” utos ko sa kanila gamit ang walkie-talkie.

We drove away. Nagpapuno muna kami ng tangke kasi wala nang gasolinahan na madadaanan.

Papunta kami ngayon sa El Nido, Palawan. We will just take a ferry. Mabuti na lang at malaki yung biniling yate nitong si Cisco dahil hindi kaya ng motor.

Pagdating namin sa pier ay binaba na namin lahat ng gamit namin at inilagay sa cabin ng yate. Iniwan lang namin ang sasakyan ni Centi sa garahe malapit doon. Tapos yung mga motor na gamit namin ay inangkas namin sa likod.

Si Radio ang kapitan, palitan sila ni Cisco. 13 hours ang biyahe, baka mamaya pa kaming gabi makarating.

Tatlong kwarto sa baba, kaya yung iba magsasama-sama. Magkakatabi kaming tatlo nila Radio at Cisco. Si Chico, Exis, at Centi ang magkakasama. Si Syd at Conan naman ang magkasama.

Nag-jacket ako dahil malamig pa sa labas. I made sure na lahat ng gamit ko ay nadala ko. Paglabas ko ay medyo foggy pa dahil alas singko pa lang. Pumunta ako kung nasaan si Radio na nagkakape.

“I didn’t know na you know how to sail a boat,” sabi ko sa kanya kaya napalingon siya.

“May-ari kami ng mga barko at pier,” sabi niya pa sa akin at lumabas kami parehas.

“Si Ate Aya, bakit di kasama?” tanong niya. “Susunod daw siya next week,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“Bakit mo na tanong?” Umiling naman siya sa akin. “Wala lang, di na ba pwedeng magtanong,” aniya at ngumiti.

“Sus, miss mo lang eh,” asar ko sa kanya at pabiro siyang sinuntok sa braso.

Dati niya kasing nililigawan si Ate Aya pero ayaw sa kanya. Cool daw kasi si Ate, hobby ang boxing katulad niya. Di siya makaporma kasi maraming manliligaw.

“Tangina, bago ko pa mapormahan si Aya, baka may bangas na ako sa mukha,” natatawa niyang sabi.

“Eh bakit sa kanya ayaw mo?” tanong ko. Napatingin siya sa akin hanggang sa narealize niya kung ano ang ibig-sabihin ko.

He looked away and started to talk. “Hindi ko trip, you know na hindi ko kaya sa tropa,” malumanay niyang saad.

“Try to explore, Dio. Wala namang masama. You are still young, have a lot of time to explore things you want,” aniya ko at tiningnan siya.

He sighed. “Gustuhin ko man pero hindi ko kaya. I’m straight, and I can’t see myself having a man by my side. It’s too off for me. Sorry for the word, but I just can’t,” he explained, halata sa kanya na ayaw niya talaga.

I know Syd is listening. I can see him from my peripheral vision. Maybe it wasn’t the answer Syd wanted to hear from Radio.

I tapped his shoulder. “Okay, it’s your choice, Dio.”

11

DOLCE

Hinubad ko ang damit ko at nag-topless katulad nila Cisco. Hindi sa magmamayabang, pero maganda naman talaga ang pangangatawan namin.

Kung ako ang tatanungin, ang consistent ang laki ng katawan ay si Radio. That guy is big as fuck, parang dadaganan ka.

Nang lumabas sila Syd at Conan, mga nakasando at naka-shorts lang sila habang may hawak na ice cream.

Humiga ako sa isang deck chair na nasa taas ng yate. “Magpapatan ako,” sabi ko pa sa sarili ko.

Hindi pa nagtatagal, namumula na ako kaya sumilong ako. Nalimutan ko palang magsunscreen.

Nakikita kong nagsa-sunblock si Conan sa upuan. He is putting it on his legs pababa. Makinis talaga siya. Damn those legs.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at tumabi. He looked up to me. “Bakit namumula ka?”

“I forgot to put sunblock. Can you put it in for me?” tanong ko sa kanya. Kaya ko naman maglagay, pero mas gusto ko siya na lang ang maglagay.

Dumapa ako para malagyan niya ang likod ko. When his warm hands touched mine, para akong napaso. His slender fingers slid into my back, making me feel a bit tense. Ewan ko, pero napapikit ako.

“Ang laki ng likod mo,” compliment niya bigla, at napangiti ako.

“Ilang beses mo na nga ‘yang sinakyan, ngayon mo lang napansin,” biro ko sa kanya. Binaling ko ang tingin ko sa kanya, at namumula siya.

“Ang bastos mo, Abel!” reklamo niya at hinampas ako.

“That’s all you got?” seryoso kong sabi at umupo mula sa pagkakahiga ko. Umangat ang gilid ng labi ko.

He looked at me straight in the eye. Hindi ko talaga siya ma-intimidate dahil matapang din siya. I stood towering over him, trying to intimidate him so he could back away.

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. “Making me small on your perspective won’t do anything,” he coldly said. There is a hint na hindi siya nagbibiro sa sinabi niya.

Natawa naman ako para di na siya magseryoso kasi pati ako natatakot din. “I’m just joking, Rei,” ani ko at inakbayan siya.

“I thought you were serious,” he replied at sinabayan ako sa paglalakad papunta kina Cisco sa taas.

Kinuha ko ang gummies na nasa table at kinain ‘yon, umupo ako sa sahig at tumingala.

Sobrang matirik ang araw, magpapatan ako sabi ko sa sarili ko

“Guys, look! Si Desdemona, nasa El Nido kasama friends niya,” sabi ni Centi at ipinakita sa amin ang picture ni Mona.

Blockmate ko siya. Med student din siya. Nakisiksik ako sa kanila at tiningnan ang picture na naka-post.

She’s wearing a bikini, and her tattoos are showing on her arms. Bagay sa kanya. Naka-side swept ang buhok niyang straight na black. I can’t deny the fact na nagustuhan ko siya noong una. Parehas naming trip ang isa’t isa, so we did a few things that adults do.

She’s tall, pang-model ang katawan. She is a model in Calvin Klein, matalino pa, habulin ng lalaki. Siya ang unang sineryoso ni Percival kaya naiinis si Centi sa kanya. Percival is the only one who got Desdemona’s attention.

Niligawan nina Radio at Chicago, pero bumagsak kay Percival. Naalala ko pa noong sinabi ni Desdemona na magaling daw sa kama.

But who would have thought Desdemona would end up with Exis’ cousin, Erin?

She is the person I got so serious with being a fuck buddy, pero as time went by, I ended it. Tinamad ako bigla. Then after that, I started screwing up with women in our school, kahit sa ibang program sila.

Humiga ulit ako. I saw Conan looking at me while he was sipping his juice. He even rolled his eyes at me. What did I do this time?

Nang makarating kami sa pier, hindi ako pinapansin ni Conan, kahit ako na ang nagbuhat ng mga gamit niya.

“Dito ka na sumakay,” sabi ko sa kanya at umusog ako para makaupo siya, pero hindi niya ako pinansin at umangkas kay Cisco.

Tiningnan ako ni Cisco at tumawa.

Tinext ko si Papa na malapit na kami. 5:00 PM na kaya pagabi na. Siguro mga 6:00 ay nasa hacienda na kami.

Nasa gilid lang ako, nakasakay kina Cisco. Sinabihan ko siya na magdahan-dahan. I saw Conan’s arms wrapping around Cisco’s waist, then his head on Cisco’s shoulder. Pwede naman siyang humawak sa balikat, bakit sa bewang pa? Napataas ang kilay ko.

There was a sudden feeling of frustration. The urge to stop them from driving and let Conan hop on my motorcycle. Gusto niya ba doon kasi mas comfortable ang upuan?

Dapat pala di ko na pinalit yung Hayabusa sa Ducati.

I realized something. Why am I reacting this way? I can’t figure it out.

Nang makarating kami sa hacienda, bumukas ang matayog na gate. Yung dalawang guard ay bumati sa akin pagkapasok ko.

I parked my motor in front of the fountain and removed my helmet. I fixed my hair and looked at Cisco holding Conan’s hand to help him get down. Again, there was that feeling of frustration. Gusto kong lapitan si Conan at hilahin siya palayo kay Cisco. But I couldn’t do that because I’m not in the place to do that.

Mamita came out from our wooden door. Kita ang malaking ngiti sa kanyang mukha. Lumapit siya sa akin at niyakap ako.

“I miss you, Abelano. You’ve grown up. You’re even taller and bigger now. The last time I saw you, maliit ka pa,” sabi niya habang pinagmamasdan ako.

“Mamita, let’s not talk about that. Pumasok na tayo. Gabi na, baka lamigin ka pa,” sagot ko nang may halong pag-aalala.

“Manong Sony, pakiakyat na po ang mga bagahe namin,” utos ko sa isa sa mga guards. Tumango siya at sinimulan nang buhatin ang mga gamit.

“Hi, Lola Ganda! Fresh ka pa rin hanggang ngayon,” singit ni Cisco at niyakap si Mamita.

“Is that you, Cisco Neil?” tanong ni Mamita habang kinakapa ang mukha ni Cisco.

“Yes! Your favorite best friend of Abel,” sagot ni Cisco, nagmamayabang pa.

“She is lying, Lola Ganda. I’m your favorite here,” sabat naman ni Chico sabay tulak kay Cisco para maagaw ang atensyon ni Mamita.

“You too, Chico? And oh, you’re here as well, Exis, Syd, and also Radio,” ani ni Mamita habang nagulat sa dami ng mga kaibigan kong narito.

Napansin niya si Conan, na nakatayo lang at parang nag-aalangan.

“Oh, who is this?” tanong ni Mamita, curious kung sino siya. Lumapit siya kay Conan, na halatang nagulat.

Tinuro ni Conan ang sarili niya, parang hindi sigurado kung siya ba talaga ang tinutukoy ni Mamita. “Yes, iho. Is there someone else I’m talking to?” seryosong tanong ni Mamita.

Maglalakad na sana ako papunta kay Conan para tulungan siya, pero naunahan na ako ni Chico.

“Oh, he’s my cousin, Lola. Si Conan po,” pakilala ni Chico kay Conan. Tumango si Mamita bilang sagot.

Lumapit si Mamita kay Conan at hinawakan ang kamay niya. Nagulat si Conan sa biglaang hawak ni Mamita. Kita sa mukha niya ang kaba.

“Make yourself at home, iho,” sabi ni Mamita nang may ngiti, pilit na pinapakalma si Conan.

Tumango si Conan bilang sagot.

“Let’s eat. Nagluto ako ng maraming pagkain,” aya ni Mamita. Inalalayan siya ni Chico papunta sa dining area.

Inusog ko ang upuan para kay Conan, pero sa ibang upuan siya umupo. Napakunot na naman ang noo ko. Galit pa rin ba siya? Hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit.

Umupo na kaming lahat sa mesa. Nakahain ang mga paborito kong pagkain—mostly seafood dishes. “Mamita, si Papa?” tanong ko.

“He’s with his friends,” sagot ni Mamita habang naglalagay ng pagkain sa plato niya. Tumango lang ako bilang sagot.

“Dig in, kids,” sabi niya, kaya nagsimula na kaming kumain. Napansin kong parang hindi makapili si Conan ng kakainin niya. Bumulong siya kay Chico, na ikinagulat ni Mamita.

“Don’t you like the food, iho?” tanong ni Mamita, na ikinataranta ni Conan.

“Uhmm… I like it po,” sagot niya, pero halatang nag-aalangan. Tumango si Mamita at bumalik na lang sa pagkain.

Sumandok si Conan ng kanin at adobo, pero sinipat pa niya ang mga sahog. Napailing na lang ako.

“Abel, ilibot mo ang mga kaibigan mo bukas, okay? Also, yung mga surfing boards nasa storage room. Let Manong Sony take them out for you,” utos ni Mamita. Tumango ako bilang sagot.

Pagkatapos kumain, nagtipon ulit kami sa sala para magdesisyon kung sino-sino ang magkakasama sa pagtulog.

“Kasama ko matutulog si Cisco at Chico,” sabi ni Centi.

“Kami ni Conan sa isang kwarto,” dagdag ni Syd.

“Katabi na lang kita, Abel,” sabi ni Exis, pero inilingan ko siya.

“Ayaw ko. Ang likot mong matulog. Tabi na lang kayo ni Dio,” sagot ko. Napangiwi si Exis, pero tumigil nang tingnan ko siya nang seryoso.

Since settled na rin naman ay lahat ay pumunta na kami sa kanya-kanyang kwarto.

Inilapag ko ang mga gamit ko sa kama ko at pumunta sa balkonahe ng kwarto ko.

I felt the breeze brushing against my skin, I saw the moon, it’s a little big and it’s reflecting in the sea. I can see it from here. Binaling ko ang tingin ko sa kanan ko at nakita ko na nasa kabilang balkonahe si Conan.

He is just wearing a thin fabric of t-shirt, maluwag ‘yon kaya kita pati ang balikat niya. He looked shocked when he saw me.

I just want him to talk to me.

12

Dolce

Tumayo ako sa pagkakahiga ko, I went to the balcony and stretched out my body.

Ginising ko si Cisco at Radio dahil magjogging kami.
“Ang aga mo ngayon ah, ano meron?” tanong ni Cisco habang sinusuot ang sapatos niya.

“Something good happened last night,” I said, smiling, feeling so satisfied.

“Grabe, wala pa tayong isang araw dito, may kinakama ka na,” natatawa niyang sabi at pabiro akong sinuntok sa braso.

“Tanga, wala,” sabi ko at lumabas na kami. Last night was fun, it was really fun kaya sipag na sipag ako lumabas ngayon. Kung hapon naiirita ako, ngayon ay para akong tanga na ngumingiti.

I put on my earpods and played some Mac Demarco songs.

Nakita ko siya sa balcony. He looked shocked yet not surprised. Syempre, katabi lang ng kwarto nila ang kwarto ko.

I smiled at him, pero di niya ako nginitian man lang. Lumukot tuloy ang mukha ko na para bang nalulungkot ako dahil di niya ako pinapansin. I’m so curious now.

Nag-isip-isip pa ako kung ano bang ginawa ko kanina nung magkasama kami. Okay naman kami nung pumunta kami kila Cisco.

Is he jealous because of Desdemona? But that’s impossible. Di niya naman ako gusto, atsaka bakit siya magseselos? Iwinaksi ko ‘yon sa isip ko at nag-isip pa ng ibang rason.

May bigla namang kumatok sa pintuan kaya binuksan ko ‘yon. When I saw Conan standing in front of my door, ay pinapasok ko siya. He is wearing a loose thin t-shirt and shorts.

Hindi ba siya nilalamig? May dala pa siyang teddy bear na kulay brown. Binaling niya ang tingin sa akin, observing me, and just then I realized I’m not wearing a shirt kaya kinuha ko ang nasa kama ko na sando.

He looked around my room, scanning my things. Mga lumang gamit na ‘yon—more charms, candles, music boxes, mga figurines na kinokolekta ko dati, a pile of CDs, and portraits.

He lay down on my bed and looked at the ceiling. Tumayo ako sa harapan niya. Seeing him under me is kind of funny. He looks good under me. I smirked and lay down beside him.

“Ano’ng ngini-ngiti mo?” tanong niya, halatang naiinis. “Wala,” sagot ko sa kanya.

“Bati na tayo?” tanong ko sa kanya kaya napatingin siya sa akin.
“Hindi pa,” aniya kaya tumagilid ako at nangalumbaba.

“Bakit?” tanong ko. “Ayaw ko lang,” maikli niyang sagot at ginaya ang posisyon ko. Kaya parehas kaming nakatingin sa isa’t isa.

We are both lost in each other’s eyes. I was staring into his black eyes; they were shining like there is a star in them. My eyes traveled down to his lips. They’re red and glossy—may inilagay ba siya?

I traveled my eyes back to his eyes, and we both panicked just because of that.

Napabangon ako at nag-isip ng dahilan para makalimutan ko lang ‘yung ginawa ko. “Laro tayo,” sabi ko sa kanya at binuksan ang drawer ko.

May jackstone, uno, sungka, pogs, at iba pa na nilalaro ko dati.
“Uno na lang tayo,” sabi ko sa kanya at inihagis sa kama ‘yon.
“12 cards?” he asked, kaya tumango ako.

Shinuffle niya ‘yon, halatang marunong siya. Nagsalita siya habang binabalasa niya ‘yung cards.

“Para masaya, let’s have a deal. Sa ating dalawa, bawal KJ,” sabi niya kaya tinanguan ko siya kahit di ako sure sa deal na ‘yon.

“Kapag naka-uno ka, feel free to ask anything about me,” aniya at inilapag ang cards.

“And if I win, I’ll ask anything about you,” he said, and a smirk plastered on his face. He is so determined, para niya rin akong pinapatay sa titig niya, na kapag di ako umagree, mamatay ako on the spot.

Tumango na lang ako at di na nagprotesta pa.
“Mauna ka,” sabi niya. I took one of the cards na nasa harapan namin. It’s number 7, color green.

Naglapag siya ng tatlong cards na kulay green. Naglapag ako ng dalawa.

Ewan ko kung jackpot ba kasi wala akong magagandang cards. Wala man lang mga +4, color cards, block card, at reverse card. Halos maiyak na ako.

Nagpalit siya ng color, which is blue. Naglapag ako ng tatlong cards. Naglapag siya ng +2 na card kaya napatampal ako sa noo ko. I even saw him smiling.

Yung nakuha ko namang dalawang card ay +2 at +4 ‘yon. Napangiti naman ako. The game became fun, and we were both laughing with the game.

“Uno!” aniya habang maglalapag pala ako ng card. He smiled and cheered, and he won.

Nilapag ko ang cards ko at ngumiti. Sasagutan ko lang naman ang tanong niya.

Tumingin siya sa akin at umayos ng upo. “Ready ka na?” tanong niya sa akin, at tumango ako.

“Nagka-girlfriend ka na ba?” seryoso niyang tanong. Ang common pero sasagutin ko na lang.

“Nope,” I said casually.
“Weh?” di niya naniniwalang sabi, halatang di ako pinaniniwalaan.

“Rei, you’re asking a question, and I answered it truthfully, and now you’re doubting me,” sabi ko sa kanya at umiling.

“Baka di ka kasi nagsasabi ng totoo,” sambit niya at shinuffle ulit ‘yung cards.

Feel ko ako na ang mananalo ngayon, super competitive ko pa dahil magaganda cards ko, pero in the end, natalo pa rin ako. Napakamot tuloy ako sa ulo.

“So, sino na ang mga babaeng dumaan sa buhay mo?” seryoso niyang tanong sa akin kaya napakunot ang noo ko at napakwestyon tuloy ako sa sarili ko.

Hinayaan ko na lang at sinagot siya, “Madami na,” sagot ko sa kanya. Nagsalubong ang kilay niya, halatang naiinis.

Naiinis ba siya sa akin o sa mga sinagot ko? I need to win this time.

Shinuffle niya yung cards, and this time, I won the game. Ngayon ay maayos na ang mukha niya, hindi na gloomy at parang mananapak na lang bigla.

“Ikaw, Rei, may nagugustuhan ka ba ngayon?” tanong ko sa kanya. I wanted to ask that question because I’m so fucking curious. I don’t even know why I asked that—it’s so sudden.

Dapat nga di ako nagtatanong ng mga tanong na ganyan, pero andito na rin naman, magtatanong na ako.

“Oo,” he replied. Halos malugmok ako sa kinauupuan ko ngayon at gustong magpalamon sa lupa.

Bakit? Sino ba ‘yon? Ang malas niya naman, naiinis kong sabi sa sarili.

“Sino?” tanong ko pa ulit. Natawa naman siya.
“Shan, isang tanong lang, ‘di ba?” sabi niya kaya tumango ako.

I need to win this game to ask him the question again, but the world is not on my side today. Until one game began again and again, it really frustrated me. Tumayo na ako sa kama.

“Ayoko na nga,” iritadong ani ko at pumunta sa balcony. Nakakainis. Di ko man lang natanong kung sino ‘yon.

Nakabusangot akong tumingin sa langit. Nakakainis talaga. Sino ba ‘yung bwisit na ‘yon? Kapag talaga nakita ko ‘yon, uupakan ko talaga, as in.

Kumuha ako ng isang stick ng sigarilyo at sinindihan ‘yon just to let out all my anger until he called my name.

“Shan? Are you mad?” he calmly said. It’s too soft, as if I’m melting by it. Ang OA pero ‘yon ang totoo. Parang nawala ‘yung galit ko pero nagtatampo pa rin ako.

Nagseselos ba ako? It’s impossible. I don’t like him, but I admit that I don’t want to see him with anyone. I know he is gay, but thinking he is with another guy makes me mad, worried, and hurt.

That’s the truth, and I can’t deny it. But I’m sure I don’t like him. I just see him as my friend or more like a close friend.

But I hate that the things we always do ay gagawin niya rin sa iba. Baka mamatay ako kapag gano’n.

“Nagseselos ka ba?” tanong niya sa akin, at umiling ako na para bang di talaga ako nagseselos.

“Sure ka?” he asked again, making sure na nagsasabi ako ng totoo.

Tinanguan ko siya at ngumiti. “Okay, I’ll sleep now,” paalam niya sa akin.

But the next thing he did shocked me. My heart is pounding hard as if it’s going to come out of my chest.

He kissed me on the cheek, right there on my left. His plump, soft lips clung to my cheek as if they were still there. I know it’s just a second, but still, I can feel it.

“Good night, Shan,” he said and walked out of the room.

What the fuck just happened? Tumalon ako sa kama at doon nagwala. I shouted at the top of my lungs into my pillow at sinuntok pa ‘yon at pinangigilan.

Hingal akong bumalik sa pwesto ng pagkakahiga ki at napangiti na lang. Tangina, baliw na ba ako?

It’s just a kiss. It’s normal, just like he said, but still, it made me smile.

Damn, he is so
sweet
.

13

Dolce

Inilubog ko ang sarili sa tubig, ilang segundo rin ako bago umahon. I washed my face and squeezed my hair backwards.

I saw my friends playing in the water, nagpapaunahan sina Exis at Centi kung sino ang mas mabilis sa kanila.

A smile made its way to my lips. I came to them at tumalon sa balikat ni Cisco para matumaba siya.

He ruffled his hair because of the water. “What the fuck, bro, mamatay talaga ako sa’yo,” he said. I laughed at him, teasing him even more.

Tumakbo siya papalapit sa akin kaya pati ako tumakbo. Nang makalapit siya sa akin, hineadlock niya ako.

“Sumakit tuloy ang balikat ko,” reklamo niya. Tinapik ko ang braso niya para lumuwag ‘yon. When his attention from me was lost, doon ko na siya hineadlock.

We stopped when we heard Conan shouting from a distance. Our attention was drawn to him.

Parehas kaming nagpanic at pumunta sa kanya, ganoon rin sila Exis. He was drowning; kanina lang ay nasa salbabida siya. Di niya siguro namalayan na nasa malalim na bahagi ng dagat.

I even heard him complaining earlier na huwag na siyang bantayan ni Chico, at pati rin ako ay binawal niya, kaya hinayaan namin siya.

I immediately rushed toward him to help him out of the water. I lifted him up, and he hugged me tightly, not letting me go.

“Rei, are you okay?” I asked worriedly, even pushing him so I could see his face clearly. I could hear his sobs; he must have been so scared. Abot naman niya talaga kaso nagpanic siya.

I rubbed his back, trying to calm him down so he could stop crying. I even whispered something to him.

“It’s okay, I’m here.” Pagkasabi ko noon, nakalapit na sila Cisco sa amin.

I looked at Chico. Sa tingin ko ay naiinis talaga siya dahil sa nangyari, but still, he held his anger back and asked Conan calmly if he was okay.

“I told you, you don’t know how to swim, yet you told me na kaya mo,” Chico said. “Sorry,” Conan responded, facing Chico.

Chico stared at him intensely to the point that Conan couldn’t even look at him.

“Your sorry won’t do anything. What if you really drowned, huh? What will I say to Lolo?” he asked angrily.

I interfered with them and pushed Chico’s chest a little bit.

“Nangyari na, Chico. He said sorry. At least Shanti came to help him out,” Radio said, and Chico inhaled deeply at tinalikuran kami.

“Syd, grab the towel tapos pumunta na kayo sa bahay,” utos ko sa kanya at pinapunta si Conan sa kanya.

“Hayaan niyo muna si Chico, mainit pa ulo nun,” sabi ko sa kanila at umahon kasabay nila.

I’ll prepare food since tanghali na. Babalik na lang kami mamayang hapon for surfing.

Sinalubong ako ni Papa sa pintuan. “Oh my boy, you are here. Sorry, we didn’t meet last night and earlier,” he said and tapped my back, guiding me toward the kitchen.

“How was Manila?” he asked.
“It’s fine, Lolo. I met a new friend,” I said, smiling, remembering the time when we first met.

Nahalata siguro ni Lolo na nakangiti ako kaya napuna ako. “They must be special for you, huh?” he said, chuckling and tapping my back.

Before Lolo could leave, I asked him something. “Lolo, is it normal to be jealous kahit kaibigan mo lang siya?”

“Abel, there are two answers for that. It’s either you gatekeep that friend, or you like that friend. More simply, you don’t want them seeing another person,” he explained and left.

I sighed and went upstairs. Napadaan naman ako sa kwarto kung nasaan sila Syd. I saw Syd hugging him. Maybe he was just comforting him from what happened.

When Syd saw me, lumapit siya sa pintuan at isinara ‘yon. Siguro ayaw ni Conan at gusto niya lang na wala munang i-istorbo sa kanya.

When I entered my room, I slumped myself on my bed at binaon ang mukha sa unan. Okay lang ba siya?

Umayos ako ng higa at kinuha ‘yung teddy bear na dala-dala kagabi ni Conan. “Hey bear, do you think your owner is okay?” I asked kahit di naman ako sasagutin.

“You know, I hope he is okay because I’m really worried about him. But I am glad that he is safe,” kausap ko at ngumiti.

Someone entered my room kaya napabalikwas ako ng bangon at inihagis ‘yung teddy bear. It was Cisco.

I rolled my eyes and lay again on my bed. “What are you doing here?” I asked. “Sinong kausap mo?” tanong niya sa akin.

“Wala naman ah?” pangangatwiran ko. “I heard you, bro. You even said ‘I hope he is okay,’” pag-uulit niya sa sinabi ko.

I was caught in the act, so I didn’t have to reason about it. Malalaman niya rin naman at tatanungin niya ako ng paulit-ulit dahil lang doon.

“You’ve been worried, huh? I saw you earlier—you were so worried. Mas nauna ka pa kay Chico,” sabi niya pa at humiga katabi ko.

“Bakit, bawal ba ‘yon? I’m his friend,” I said. Natawa naman siya.

“Wag ka nga magkaila. Mas nauna ka pang mag-react kesa kay Chico. Damn you, boy. I even saw you smiling kahit wala namang rason. At first, di ko pa alam kung bakit at anong rason, but now I know,” he said kaya napalingon ako sa kanya.

“May alam ka ba na di ko alam?” tanong ko sa kanya. “I saw how you looked at Conan with such admiring eyes. You were smiling all the time. Good mood, and you don’t even have girls in your life now nung nakilala mo siya,” paliwanag niya.

“I know kung anong tumatakbo diyan sa utak mo na ‘yan, Cisco Neil. I know it very well. If you’re going to say na gusto ko siya, stop that. I like him as a friend,” I explained without thinking.

“I know gusto ko lang si Conan kasi kaibigan ko siya. I like the idea of him just being there with me. Siguro ay gusto ko lang i-gatekeep kasi ayaw ko na may kasama siyang iba.”

“Fine, bro. Kapag nahuli ka, kasalanan mo na ‘yan ha,” he said and stood up.

“Sa ngayon, go with the flow ka muna. Makiramdam ka,” he said before he left. Ang dami talagang sinasabi ng baliw na ‘yon kaya minsan mapapaisip ka na lang eh.

“Kakain na raw,” tawag sa akin ni Dio.
“Pababa na!” sigaw ko pabalik. Di na lang ako magdadamit; naiinitan talaga ako.

Pagpasok ko sa dining table, nakaupo na sila doon, but I don’t see him here. Umupo ako sa tabi ng upuan Mamita.

“Magdamit ka nga, Abel,” aniya at kinurot ako sa tagiliran. Napadaing naman ako.

“Ma, mainit kaya,” reklamo ko at sumandok ng kanin.
“What a show-off,” she mumbled. I smirked and continued to eat.

Nagsalita naman si Mamita habang kumakain kami. “Where is your other friend? His name is, what is it, Abel?” she asked, and I looked at her.
“It’s Conan, Ma,” sagot ko sa kanya.
“He is sleeping pa po,” Syd replied and glanced at me.

“Anyway, how’s your mom and your ate, Abel?” Papa asked.

“They are fine. Susunod po si Ate next week, and si Mom naman po, as usual, ganoon pa rin po,” sagot ko sa kanila, at tumango siya.

“Abel, let’s talk after we eat,” sabi niya at nagpatuloy kumain.

You could only hear the utensils clattering inside the dining room. Sometimes Cisco and Exis would joke around.

“I’ve heard from your Tita Amelia that your father is cheating on your mom. Is that true, Abel?” she asked, her tone soft yet dangerous.

“Yes, Ma,” I answered, and she sat on the sofa. “At hindi pa rin iniiwan ng mommy mo ang lalaking ‘yon? This is why ayaw ng Papa mo sa daddy mo,” she explained, massaging her temples.

“Do you know who your dad is cheating with?” she asked.
“Tita Alexsandra,” I responded.

She looked at me, shocked and speechless, not expecting my answer.

“What? Is that true?” she asked, making sure I was telling the truth.
I nodded in response.

“Ang ate ng mommy mo ang kabit?” she asked again, her eyes red, as if she was about to cry.

“Hey, Ma, calm down. Mom can handle it. Don’t stress too much,” I calmed her down.

I gave her some water, sinabayan niya akong huminga para kumalma siya.

“Before the semester starts, let’s have a family gathering in Manila,” she said and stood up.

“Kahit magreklamo ang mommy mo, wala siyang magagawa,” sabi niya pa at umalis sa sala.

My grandparents deserve to know. My dad and his mistress will face the consequences.

When I came back to the dining room, Syd was rushing to prepare food for Conan.

“Andiyan ka pala. Pwede mo bang dalhin ‘to kay Conan? I have a call to answer,” he said and handed me the tray.

Umalis siya sa harapan ko at lumabas. Umakyat ako sa taas, kumatok bago pumasok.

I saw Conan watching something on his laptop. Di niya ako pinansin, at inilagay ko ang tray sa table.

“What are you watching?” I asked at tumabi sa kanya.
“Shh,” pagtatahimik niya sa akin.

I saw him watching movies. I think it’s a Korean series.

“Rei, kumain ka na,” sabi ko sa kanya, at umupo siya.

His eyes were puffy, halatang kakagaling lang sa kakaiyak. I stared at his dark orbs. They were shining again.

“Thank you, Shan,” he thanked me and started eating his food. I ruffled his hair and watched him eat.

Nang matapos siya, inabot ko ang tubig sa kanya.

He sat at the edge of the bed, kaya tumabi ako sa kanya.
“Do you think Kuya Chico is still mad at me?” he asked and put his head on my shoulder.

“I’m not sure, pero hindi ka naman matitiis nun,” I said.

He didn’t answer me, so I just stayed silent. A smile crept on my lips again. His eyes were closed, and I could see his pointed nose, long lashes, and pink lips.

I wanted to touch them, but my mind wasn’t cooperating this time.

14

DOLCE

Paglabas namin ni Rei ay nakita naming nagt-tiktok yung wonderpets, huhulaan ko ay pinilit lang nila si Chico sumama.

“Shet, ang galing natin dito,” natutuwang sabi ni Cisco habang pinapakita kina Centi.

Napansin kami nila Centi kaya napalingon sila sa aming tatlo. Lumapit si Cisco kay Rei at inakbayan ito.

Bakit kailangan akbayan pa? “Follow mo ako sa TikTok, like mo sayaw namin,” sabi ni Cisco kaya kinuha ni Rei yung cellphone niya at ni-like ‘yon.

I came towards Chico and asked him, “Di na ba mainit ulo mo?” I asked and put my arm around his shoulder. We both looked at Conan and Cisco laughing at whatever they were watching.

“Hindi na,” sagot niya sa akin at tiningnan ako. “Dala mo ba surfing board mo?” tanong niya pa sa akin, at tinanguan ko siya.

“Let’s go, hapon na, malakas na alon,” aya niya sa akin at tinawag sina Cisco at Centi kaya parehas kaming naiwan dalawa ni Conan sa corridor.

He smiled at me, and I did the same. “Pwede mo bang dalhin yung easel ko?”

I nodded at sinamahan siyang kunin ‘yon. “Magp-paint ka?” I asked. “Pwede manood?” tanong ko pa sa kanya bago pa siya sumagot.

“Ayaw ko. Papangit ang painting ko kapag may nanonood sa akin,” sagot niya sa akin at lumabas ng kwarto. Sumunod ako sa kanya palabas at pumunta sa dalampasigan.

“Ipakita mo sa akin ‘yan ah,” sabi ko sa kanya at ngumiti. Tumango lang siya sa akin.

I saw my friends already there, bitbit yung mga surfing board. “Are you okay alone here? I can call Syd for you,” I said.

“I’m fine, just go,” he said.

Gusto ko panoorin niya ako magsurfing. Wala, gusto ko lang. Hinubad ko ang damit ko sa harapan niya at inilagay sa gilid niya.

He looked at me with his sparkling eyes, again scanning my body as if it’s his first time seeing them.

“O baka malusaw ‘yan ah,” biro ko sa kanya at kumindat pa bago niya pa ibato sa akin yung buhangin.

“Umalis ka na nga!” nakanguso niyang sigaw sa akin at tumakbo ako palayo.

Nang makalapit ako kay Chico ay inabot niya sa akin yung surfing board ko. Nauna ako sa kanila, dumapa muna ako, just waiting for the wave, before I stood up. I wobbled a bit to make a trick, and when the big wave came, I turned my surfing board. I balanced myself a bit to make sure na di ako matumba.

After ko, ay sumunod sa akin sila Cisco just doing what I did. Nang matapos kami ay nag-picture muna kami. Dalawang oras din kami sa tubig.

I wondered if Rei’s painting was already done, I wanted to see it. Habang nilalagay ko ang towel sa likod, ay nagsalita si Exis.

“Bonfire tayo mamaya,” aya niya sa amin kaya tumango kami. Naghabulan sila ni Cisco papuntang bahay.

I saw Conan na nililigpit yung mga gamit niya kaya lumapit ako. I ruffled my hair para di masyadong basa.

“Hey, let me help you,” prisenta ko kaso ay umayaw siya.

“Wag, kaya ko,” sabi niya. “Pwede bang makita yung painting mo?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Ayaw ko,” sabi niya. I’m dying to see it kanina pa, sa totoo lang. Pinilit ko pa siya kaso lang ay ayaw niya talaga.

Nakakainis, nakakatanpo naman. Nakabusangot akong pumasok sa bahay at pumunta sa kwarto. Bakit ba ayaw niya ipakita sa akin?

Hindi naman siguro ganoon kapangit ‘yon since I’ve seen his painting nung pumunta ako sa condo niya before.

Lalo pa akong napasimangot nang lumabas ako ng CR. I saw Syd and Rei talking about the painting he painted.

Sa kanya, pwede ipakita pero sa akin, bawal. Atsaka nagtataka na ako—bakit ba palagi na lang sila magkasama ni Syd? Siya ba yung tinutukoy niya na nagugustuhan niya?

Magkasalubong kami sa hallway at dinaanan ko lang sila kasi naiinis ako. Syd even called me pero di ko pinansin. Humiga ako sa kama; a sudden tear rolled down my cheek.

Nagtatampo talaga ako dahil doon? Tanginang ‘yan, Abel! Bakit ba ako naiiyak, eh painting lang naman ‘yon?

Nakakainis talaga, mamatay na nga ako kakaisip sa kung ano mang nararamdaman ko, tapos dadagdag pa ‘tong pagtatampo ko dahil sa painting na ayaw niyang ipakita sa akin.

Ilang minuto rin akong nagbaliw-baliwan dito nang may kumatok sa pintuan ko.

“Bawal pumasok!” sigaw ko na lang galing sa loob.

No one responded. Baka umalis na. Patuloy lang akong umiiyak sa higaan, di ko talaga matanggap, hanggang sa naramdaman ko na may pumasok.

“Diba sabi ko bawal puma—” Napalingon ako at umayos ng upo nang makita ko kung sino ‘yon.

Si Rei.

Binaon ko ang mukha ko sa unan ulit. Nakita niya ba akong umiiyak? Nakakahiya talaga. Tangina, nakakabanas nakakawala ng pagkaangas kapag ganito.

“Umiiyak ka ba?” tanong niya sa akin. Halata ba? Nagtanong pa talaga.

“Hey, Shan, are you crying?” ulit niyang tanong kaya mas lalo kong binaon ang sarili ko sa unan.

Sinabi niya ipapakita niya sa akin. Biro niya lang ba ‘yon? Kasi kung oo, iiyak talaga ako.

I could feel him sitting on my bed kasi gumalaw ‘yon.

“Aalis na lang ako kapag di ka tumigil sa kakaiyak diyan,” banta niya sa akin kaya pinunasan ko ang luha ko.

Sinubukan kong huwag umiyak ulit dahil nakita ko ang painting na hawak niya, pero di ko makita kung ano ‘yon.

“Anong iniiyak mo?” taas-kilay niyang tanong at binigay sa akin yung towel.

“Eh kasi s-sabi mo afidhwh,” sabi ko sa kanya. Di ko alam kung naintindihan niya ba.

“Shanti, umayos ka nga. Di ko maintindihan sinasabi mo,” iritado niyang sabi sa akin.

“Akala ko ba ipapakita mo yung painting sa akin, tapos ayaw mo naman,” sabi ko sa kanya habang humihikbi.

Natawa naman siya sa sinabi ko. Tawang-tawa siya. He even pushed my shoulder a little bit. Napangiwi naman ako. I crossed my arms. Ano bang nakakatawa sa sinabi ko?

“Tapos kay Syd mo pa unang pinakita,” sumbong ko sa kanya. Natawa siya ulit.

“Nagtatampo ka ba?” Di ba halata? Malamang.

“Nagtatampo ka nga,” he answered his own question.

“Ang overthinker mo. Yung isang painting ko ‘yon kaya wag ka nang umiyak,” pagpapatahan niya sa akin.

Nawala yung tampo ko bigla dahil sa sinabi niya. Para akong baliw na napangiti sa sinabi niya.

Huminto ako sa pag-iyak. “Ganun ba,” napakamot naman ako sa ulo.

“Halika,” aya niya sa akin at hinila ako at pinaharap sa nakatalukbong na painting.

Hinila niya yung tela. What I saw was a blue sky and a sea with waves in it. Ako ba ‘yon yung nandoon na tao?

“Is that me?” I asked, making sure it’s really me.

“Yes,” he responded and chuckled.

It’s very detailed, as in na parang may photographic memory siya kaya nadrawing niya agad.

“You like that?” he asked. Tumango naman ako. I feel so special right now. Tangina, may nagpaint sa akin.

A sudden happiness rushed through my body as if I won the lottery. I hugged him tightly and lifted him up while we spun around.

“Stop it, Shan,” he said and tapped my shoulder.

“Thank you for this. I like it more than anything,” pasasalamat ko sa kanya. I kissed his cheek suddenly, wanting to thank him again for real. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ko.

I faced him again, his cheeks turning pink as if they had blush on them. He even started to hiccup—a sign that show he was shy.

Nung ginawa ko rin ‘yon, parang lumabas ang puso ko. It was so sudden; hindi ko man lang naisip. But at least I didn’t look like a pervert just like the last time.

Pinainom ko siya ng tubig para di na siya sinukin. Nang mawala ‘yon, may sinabi siya, “You can keep them,” he said and gave it to me.

“Thank you talaga, Rei. You know na di mo naman dapat gawin ‘to,” sabi ko sa kanya.

He lifted my hand, holding it with his warm hands. “Hey, wala pa nga ‘yan for always accompanying me and always being there when I’m in trouble. Take this as pa kunswelo ko for you,” he said and smiled.

“I did that because I wanted to. I never wanted any in return. Nandiyan ka lang, okay na sa akin,” I said. I felt my cheeks heat up when he stared at me, so I diverted my attention to somewhere else.

“Lumabas na nga tayo, kanina pa tayo tinawag ni Cisco,” he said and pulled me out of my bedroom.

This was the best day of my life. I will never forget this.

15

Dolce

We are in front of the fire, wearing thick clothes because the breeze is really cold.

“Dito ka na tumabi sa akin, Conan,” anyaya ni Cisco.

My eyebrows knitted intensely, as if gusto kong pagsamahin ‘yon. Siniko naman ako ni Dio na katabi ko.

“May joke ako, guys. Ang umangal, sana mabati,” sabi ni Cisco at pinatahimik kami.

“Anong sakit ang hindi mo malalaman?” tanong niya, kaya nagsitinginan kaming lahat sa isa’t isa.

“Ano?” sabay naming tanong.

“Edi SICKRet,” pagkasabi niya no’n ay binato siya ni Centi ng stick.

“Ang pangit ng joke mo, ang corny, amputa! Saan mo ‘yan nakuha? Sa Tiktok University?” natatawang sabi ni Centi, kaya pati kami natawa rin.

Si Cisco naman, kung nakabusangot, akala mo katapusan na ng mundo.

“Oh, ito hugot ko sa may mga taong minamahal,” sabi ni Exis.

“Kumain ka ng sitaw para matutong bumitaw sa taong ang mahal ay di naman ikaw.”

“Eyyyyy,” sabay-sabay na sabi nila Chico, halatang inaasar si Cisco.

“Halatang pinaghuhugutan, ah,” singit ko, at tumawa lang siya. “Play the music, please,” aniya.

Ito namang gagong si Syd ang nag-play. “Unang araw pa lang, minahal na kita. Bakit ganito ang aking nadama,” hysterical na kanta ni Exis na sinasabayan nila Centi.

“Apakapangit naman ng joke mo, halatang pinaghandaan,” asar niya pabalik.

“Oh, payag ka no’n, Exis?” sabi ni Centi at hinilot-hilot ang balikat ni Exis na nagbabanat ng buto.

“Mga bashers nga naman talaga. Ang hirap kapag nalalamangan, eh, no?” nangaasar niyang turan.

“Ah, talaga, Centi kulangot? May joke pa ako isa. Kapag di pa kayo natawa dito, yari kayo sa akin,” pagbabanta ni Cisco sa amin.

“Ano ang anak ng shell?” tanong niya.

“Kapag ‘yan di nakakatawa, sisipain talaga kita,” aniya ni Dio.

“Ano?” tanong ko.

“Shelldren,” tumawa pa siya at hinampas si Centi. Natawa pa ako sa sinabi niyang ‘yon.

“Hindi niyo ba nalaman na shelldren rin ang anak ng shell? Ano ba naman kayo, mga dai oy,” nagpipigil niyang tawang sabi, kaya pati kami natatawa.

Napangiwi naman si Radio, halatang galing sa Tiktok University ang mga joke niya.

“Oh, ito pa, may joke pa ako. Ito na pinaka-last, pero sana matawa kayo,” natatawa pa siya kahit wala na rin namang nakakatawa.

“Tumawa kayo, ito na ang deserving niyo,” sabi niya pa, kaya nakinig pa kami.

“Ano ang kabaliktaran ng kaluluwa?” tanong niya.

“‘Di ba awululak?” kunot-noong tanong ni Dio.

“Kalulunok,” pasigaw niyang sabi, kaya natawa kami.

“Kalulunok, amputa,” ani Syd. “Wag mo na ulitin ha, last mo na ‘yan,” Centi said as he patted Cisco’s shoulder.

“Pakyu, baliw,” sabi nito sa kanya.

“Wag ka na mag-joke, di talaga nakakatuwa,” dagdag ni Chico, kaya sinamaan siya ng tingin.

I looked at Conan laughing with them. Katapat ko lang siya pero parang ang layo niya. Gusto ko siyang tabihan. I sighed and bent my head a little bit.

I saw a shadow in front of me. I know who it is pero ayaw ko lang tumingin. “Dio, usog ka,” sabi niya, kaya umusog si Dio.

That’s when I lifted my head so I could see him. Nakangiti ito sa akin at binaling ang atensyon kina Cisco at Centi na nagbabayangan sa harapan namin.

“Hoy, tama na nga ‘yan. Mamaya maghamon na naman ng suntukan ‘yan si Cisco,” awat ni Syd at binigyan sila ng beer.

“Ito kasi nagsimula bigla,” sisi ni Centi. “Sana all, baliw,” sabi ni Cisco at ininom ang beer.

As the night deepened, we decided to talk about things we never talked about before. Conan’s head is on my shoulder. Napapansin ‘yon ng mga tropa ko pero hinayaan lang nila.

“Sino bang kinakasama mo, Radio, ngayon?” tanong ni Cisco, kaya napatingin ako kay Syd na nakatingin sa kanya habang may iniinom.

“It’s Caroline, yung psych student sa DLSU,” sagot niya, kaya nasamid sila Cisco.

“As in Caroline Zoey Chavez? Yung anak nung Dean, tapos conyo?” gulat na tanong ni Cisco, kaya tinaasan siya ng kilay ni Dio.

“What’s with her, Cisco?” he curiously asked. We fell into silence, waiting for him to answer the question.

“Well, I saw her before we had a vacation here sa Siargao. She was with Chou,” Cisco said, pero tinanguan niya lang ito.

“I know,” tipid na sagot ni Syd. “Di ka galit?” tanong ni Centi.

“Why would I? It’s not like she is the only girl in my life. There are plenty of them,” he said, sipping his beer.

“Anyway, Cisco, since you know a lot about me, how about we talk about yours too?” ani ni Radio at tiningnan si Cisco na para bang may alam sila na wala kaming kaalam-alam.

“Kamusta kayo ni Gia?” I asked. I saw him gulp hard before answering.

“Well, I broke up with her,” he said and bowed his head.

“Finally,” Centi mumbled, kaya nasiko siya ni Syd. “Shut up.”

We were shocked to hear about it, kaya pala ilang araw din siyang babad sa school works niya.

“I don’t live with my family anymore. I cut ties with them before our vacation,” he sighed and looked at us.

We just looked at him, as if we expected it to happen, pero nagtataka ako, bakit walang media? Di man lang inilabas ‘yon?

“Bakit wala sa balita?” tanong ni Centi.

“The truth is, mapapahiya ang pamilya namin. It’s sudden, kaya ayaw nila ilabas,” paliwanag niya, kaya tumango-tango kami.

“I guess it is what it is. May business naman ako, kaya kong paaralin ang sarili ko. I don’t need their money,” dagdag niya pa.

How come we ended up in this kind of situation with family?

Naramdaman siguro ni Conan na medyo nawala ako sa mood. “Okay ka lang?” tanong niya sa akin, kaya tumango ako.

“Maglaro nga tayo,” suggestion ni Exis at may kinuha sa bag niyang dala-dala.

“Alam niyo ba ‘yung laro na parang kapag in-spin ‘yung bottle tapos tumama sa isang tao, dapat masagot niya ‘yung itatanong o iuutos. Pero kapag hindi niya nagawa, iinom siya,” aniya at inilapag ang bote sa gitna.

“Gawa-gawa mo lang ata ‘yan,” reklamo ni Cisco.

“Bakit, may alam ka pa ba?” tanong ni Exis. Umiling naman si Cisco.

Pinaikot ni Centi ‘yung bote at tumapat ‘yon kay Syd, kaya lahat kami nakatingin sa kanya.

“Ako na magtatanong,” ani ni Rei at umayos ng upo.

Nakita ko pang natense si Syd nung sa kanya tumapat pero nawala rin ‘yon nung si Conan ang nagtanong.

“Who do you think is the most attractive person here?” tanong ni Rei.

“You,” turo niya kay Rei. I’m not gonna lie, but yes, it is. Tinanguan lang siya nito. Syd spun the bottle, at tumapat ‘yon kay Cisco.

“Finally,” aniya ni Cisco, excited na excited.

“The guy that you were with before, sino ‘yon?” tanong ni Syd.

Cisco stayed silent and drank the liquor in front of him. We didn’t interrogate him since ayaw naman niyang sabihin sa amin.

Cisco spun the bottle, at tumapat kay Conan. I was so tense—tangina si Cisco ang magtatanong. He signaled Conan by making eye contact with him.

“Kiss someone here. Bawal ‘yung katabi ha,” utos niya.

I thought he would drink the liquor, but no. Halos malukot ang mukha ko dahil doon. Yari talaga ‘yan sa akin si Cisco.

I was nervous as fuck, to the point na hinihiling kong itigil na ‘tong laro. He stood up, came closer to Syd, and kissed him on the cheek. I know it was just a peck, pero para kong pinapatay ko na si Cisco at Syd sa utak ko.

“Walang malisya ‘to ha. Baka sabihin niyo meron, kukutusan ko kayo isa-isa,” ani ni Cisco.

Conan sat beside Syd. Matatalim ang titig ko sa kanila pero wala man lang reaksyon sa akin. Nakakainis, nababadtrip talaga ako sa laro na ‘to. Sino bang nakaisip nito?

Nakakainis pala. Nakakatampo.

Buong laro ata nakabusangot ako, kapag sa akin natatapat, umiinom lang ako. Ramdam ko ang titig niya sa akin, pero di ko naman siya nililingon.

Hanggang sa lahat kami ay nabored at nag-isip na kumain. Hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin ako makamove on.

Mas nauna akong lumakad sa kanila at pumunta kaagad sa kusina. Umupo ako sa upuan at tumabi siya sa akin.

“You are sulking again,” he mumbled, but I heard it clearly. I didn’t even pay attention to him.

Kumuha ako ng kanin at ulam. Mas malapit ako sa kanin kaya kinuhanan ko na siya dahil di niya naman maabot.

I noticed that Cisco was staring at us. I raised an eyebrow at him, but he grinned and started to eat.

Nung nakita kong wala siyang ganang kumain, nilingon ko na siya. “Eat,” I ordered, pero di man lang ako pinansin.

“Baka gusto mo pang subuan kita?” I sounded like a fucking arrogant person. Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin at tumayo sa upuan.

That’s when I realized that I was hard towards him. Cancel ko na nga pagtatampo ko.

Napatingin sa amin sila Cisco habang kumakain. “Lagot ka, Abel. Di pa naman sila bati ni Chico tapos binadtrip mo,” Exis said, raising his pointy finger, accusing me.

Hinayaan ko siya. Bahala siya diyan, di talaga ako tatayo. Kumain lang ako at di pinansin sila Centi na kumakain habang nagbibiruan.

After I ate, umakyat kaagad ako sa kwarto ko at lumabas sa balcony. I brought one cigarette to my lips and lit it up. I harshly gripped my lighter in my hand.

Naguguluhan na talaga ako. Why would I be jealous because of that? Kaibigan lang naman ako. Yeah, I admit I’m really jealous for real.

Napahilamos ako sa mukha ko, stressing out because of what I am feeling, dumagdag pa ang sinabi sa akin ni Cisco.

16

DOLCE
.

Naka apat ata akong sigarilyo kagabi kaya para akong bangag ngayong araw. Naligo at nag-ayos ako ng sarili ko bago bumaba sa sala.

Nadatnan ko sila Centi na naglalaro kasama si Exis kaya tinawag ko sila.

“Nasaan sila?” tanong ko. Tiningnan nila ako saglit at binalik ang atensyon sa laro nila.

“Nasa bayan sila. May bibilhin daw si Conan kaya sumama sila sa kanya,” sagot sa akin ni Cisco.

Pumunta ako sa kusina at naghanap ng makakain. Gusto ko ng sinigang kaso di naman ako marunong magluto. Napakamot ako sa ulo ko at nagtimpla na lang ng kape.

“Kakaalis lang nila?” tanong ko. “Hindi, kanina pa sila umalis. Pabalik na siguro ‘yon,” they responded.

“Tangina, namatay ako. Shet naman,” dinig kong reklamo ni Cisco. “Ayaw ko na nga maglaro. Pangit ka team ko, puro pabuhat,” dagdag niya at nilapag ang cellphone at nakiinom sa kape ko.

“Bati na kayo?” tanong niya, pero di ko siya pinansin. “Kami rin eh, di niya bati,” dagdag niya pa kaya nilingon ko siya nang nagtataka.

“Paano ba naman kasi kaninang umaga, nasa kusina kaming tatlo. Nabasag namin ‘yung baso niya na may design,” paliwanag ni Centi. “Kaya ‘yon, di kami bating tatlo,” dagdag ni Cisco.

Napangiwi naman ako at natatawa pa sila sa kagaguhan nilang dalawa. Ilang minuto pa lang ay dumating na sila Chico na nagkukuwentuhan.

“Conan!” sigaw nila Cisco, kaso di sila pinansin nito. Kahit ako ay hindi rin. I followed his movement until he vanished from my sight.

Tumabi sa amin sila Chico at kinutongan yung dalawa. “Umiyak ‘yon kanina sa bayan. Gago kasi kayong dalawa,” ani ni Chico.

“Itong kaseng Centi di marunong magdahan-dahan,” sisi ni Centi. “Ikaw nga ‘yon, nasagi mo kanina kaya nalaglag,” sisi pabalik ni Cisco.

“Hoy, tama na nga ‘yang nagtuturuan pa kayo,” awat ni Syd.

Habang kumakain kami ay di na sa akin tumabi si Conan. I need to say sorry. Di ko talaga matiis magalit sa kanya.

Habang kumakain ay pinaghihimay pa siya ni Chico ng hipon kahit kaya naman niya. Sana kung tumabi lang siya sa akin, kahit one hundred pieces pa na hipon ‘yan ay ipaghihimay ko pa siya.

Napailing pa ako sa inisip ko. “Conan, sorry na. Wag ka na magalit, okay. I-treat na lang kita,” narinig kong sabi ni Cisco.

“Okay lang,” tipid niyang sabi. Nakikinig lang ako sa kanila. “Talaga?” di makapaniwalang sabi niya.

“Oo nga, kaya wag ka na maingay. Oh, hotdog, kainin mo,” sabi ni Conan at sinubo sa kanya ‘yung hotdog.

Nang matapos kaming kumain at nagligpit, naisipan ko munang lumabas ng bahay para pumunta sa farm namin. Andoon si kuya Sony na nagpapakain ng mga baka.

“Magandang umaga po, sir,” bati niya sa akin at tinanguan ko siya. “Nga po pala, kuya Sony, malinis po ba ‘yung horse ranch sa likod?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Ah, opo,” sagot niya. Napatihim ako bago nagsalita ulit. “Pwede niyo po bang ilabas next week si Pony at Jack?” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Oo naman po, sir,” sagot niya kaya nagpasalamat ako.

Pumasok ulit ako sa bahay para ayain si Conan na lumabas. As I drew closer in front of his door, I collected all my courage and sighed.

“Rei?” I knocked on the door, but no one answered. I was about to leave when the door opened. He was standing there, frowning. He was about to close the door, but I blocked it with my hand so he couldn’t close it.

“Umalis ka na nga,” he said, struggling as he tried to push the door.

“No, I’m here to see you, kaya kumalma ka,” sabi ko sa kanya. Nang binitawan niya ang pintuan, pumasok ako sa loob at isinara ‘yon.

He crossed his arms in front of me, looking at me directly as if he wanted to kill me right here.

“If you are just going to be silent, umalis ka na lang,” sabi niya at umupo sa kama at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa niya.

He was putting some lotion on his arms and legs. He was just wearing a simple sando and short shorts. Binaling ko ang atensyon ko sa iba at pumikit.

“Just say it,” ani niya. I inhaled deeply before answering him.

“I’m sorry. Sorry for being arrogant to you last night and also for not talking to you. You must have been really thinking about it overnight. I’m sorry for always sulking over small things. I don’t get myself. I’m so confused. Sorry, lahat ng ‘yon ay nabaling ko sa’yo,” I explained with a soft voice, as if I was talking to an angel.

He sighed and came toward me. “Okay lang, apology accepted,” he said.

What? That’s it? No, I can’t accept it.

“What? Why would you forgive me that easily? Di ka man lang magagalit sa akin?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Nangyari na. I can’t do anything about it,” he said, making me even more sad and angry. Bakit ba siya nagpapatawad na lang bigla?

Ang hirap basahin ng utak niya, at kung paano siya aakto. You can’t predict them. That’s what I’m so scared of. He is okay with things like this, as if he is used to it.

Babawi ako. I can’t accept this.

Bumalik siya sa ginagawa niya kaso hinila ko siya papunta sa kwarto ko. Kinuha ko ang long sleeve ko at ipinasuot ko sa kanya.

“Where are we going?” he asked, but I didn’t respond. Instead, I dragged him with me.

“Ano ba, Shan!” iritadong sigaw niya.

“Trust me, okay,” sabi ko sa kanya at binigay ko ang slippers niya.

My friends saw us coming downstairs. Tinawag pa kami nila Centi, kaso di namin sila nilingon.

I grabbed my keys and my helmet at ipinasuot ‘yon sa kanya. It’s just a half-helmet.

Sinuot ko ‘yon sa kanya pero nakabusangot siya sa akin. “Why?” I asked while locking the helmet.

“San mo ba ako dadalhin? I didn’t even wear proper clothes,” reklamo niya sa akin.

“That’s okay,” sabi ko sa kanya and opened the engine.

“Hop in,” I said, holding his hand habang pasakay siya.

“Hold tight, okay,” assuring him to hold me para di siya malaglag. He wrapped his hands around my waist tightly.

“Dahan-dahan lang,” bulong niya. Tumango ako sa kanya. He put his head on my shoulder as his eyes squinted because of the dust.

We drove far away from our house. We passed bridges and fields before we got to where we were going.

“Wow,” he said with amusement. You can see that he is happy.

“I should have brought my camera with me,” he mumbled, but I heard it clearly.

Bumaba siya sa motor. May batuhan hanggang sa dulo no’n kaya sumigaw ako, “Hey, Rei, don’t run. Magingat ka!” Sumunod ako sa kanya.

When I got to his side, I looked at him, admiring him. He raised both of his arms into the air while smiling as the wind hit the both of us. His hair kept moving in each direction, blocking his view.

“You didn’t tell me na dito pala tayo pupunta,” he said, smiling.

“I guess It’s a surprise,” I replied.

“May pupuntahan pa tayo,” sabi ko sa kanya kaya napatingin siya sa akin.

“Saan?” he asked. I extended my hand to him. At first, he just looked at it, but in the end, he held it.

A smile grew on my lips. I could feel his warm yet soft hands touching mine, sending electricity to my whole body.

We slowly came down to the rocks until pumasok kami sa isang kuweba, it has water pero hanggang sakong lang naman.

When we reach the other entrance ay binitawan Niya Ang kamay ko. And there again with amusement as he smiled from ear to ear.

Sumunod ako sa kanya, “you like it?” I asked, at tumango siya. He held my arms and pulled me to the water.

I took off my clothes and he did the same leaving us with shorts only. I just stared at him as he pulled me but still alert in case he falls into the water.

We both shared a smile, a laugh, and just felt the wave coming towards us. When our eyes met, I was again hypnotized by his dark brown eyes that sparkled. I smiled to see him looking at me intently.

We became closer to each other, slowly. My heart beats like crazy, hindi ko alam kung naririnig niya ito.

I am once again mesmerized by the beauty he holds, his bright sun-kissed skin, the pearl around his neck with water dripping from it. His body I want to touch for a while.

We hugged each other, it’s so sudden, this thing don’t shocked me, but only made my heart beat like crazy again. I closed my eyes as I touched his hair.

I buried my face in his neck. Inhaling his scent. Gosh, I want to be in his arms forever.

We stayed there for what felt like hours, just enjoying each other’s presence.

At that moment, nothing else mattered. It was just us.

17

Dolce

We are laying down on the sand, looking at the sky with a glimpse of light orange. Tumagilid ako para tingnan siya.

His hands are both on his belly. He looked at me also. “What?” he asked.

“I have a question,” I said and fixed my position. “Why do you always forgive someone so easily?” I asked, my curiosity evident.

Nag-isip pa siya kung anong sasabihin niya. “Let’s say ayaw ko lang magtanim ng galit. That’s why I forgive people always, even though they did something wrong to me,” he explained and looked at the sky.

“I trust them na di na nila gagawin ‘yon, but in the end, they do it again. That isn’t well to see, right? People never change, I guess?” he added and faced me again.

He raised his hand to touch my hair. He caressed it until it landed on my cheek, slowly caressing it with his thumb.

“Ang pogi mo,” he boldly said, making my cheeks heat up and churning my stomach, stirring different kinds of emotions.

I laughed. “Kinikilig ka ba?” he asked, which made me stop laughing and turn my face in another direction.

Fuck, I’m getting shy just because of this, sending butterflies in my stomach that make me feel giddy.

Hindi ganoon ka-awkward. Sa totoo nga, ay kinikilig ako.

Umupo siya na siya ring ginawa ko. Tinukod niya ang dalawang niyang braso sa likod para maging suporta niya.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, not wanting to get silent just because of the compliment. Ang dami nang nag-compliment sa akin, but this is different.

“Happy,” he shortly said. That’s not the answer I was expecting. “‘Yun lang?” tanong ko pa.

He softly chuckled. “I’m happy because of you,” he softly said, looking directly into my eyes.

“May sasabihin ako,” sabi niya sa akin. It makes me nervous. Hindi ako nagsalita at tiningnan lang siya.

“Gusto kita, Abel,” he confessed. It has a hint that it’s true—you can see it in his eyes. The fondness that his eyes are showing.

I’m shocked as fuck. So all this time ako pala ang gusto niya. Nagseselos pala ako sa sarili ko.

We once again fell in silence—not an awkward silence, just a chill silence. I looked at our hands, which were centimeters away from each other.

I feel like I want to touch it, hold it. My hand slowly made its way to his slender hands. As it reached there, I put my palm on top of it.

He got startled by it a bit and looked at me. What shocked me even more was when he intertwined it with mine.

It feels like slow motion once again. I can only hear my heartbeat racing, the waves splashing through the sand, and the chirps of the birds.

We looked at each other, not wanting to break it unless one of us wanted to.

“Eh ikaw? Shan, anong nararamdaman mo? Sabihin mo nga sa akin?” he said softly, which made me tense.

Anong sasabihin ko sa kanya? I’m literally panicking inside because of his question. I’m confused, happy, nervous, and filled with questions that until now, hindi ko pa rin masagot.

I sighed. “I don’t know. I’m confused yet happy. I don’t know what I am feeling towards this, especially towards you. Sometimes I hate when someone is being sweet to you, na dapat akong gumawa noon. And the thing is, when someone is with you, it makes me jealous. I have so many questions, yet I cannot figure it out until now,” I said, sounding so sad—the sadness showing in how I spoke.

When I looked at him, he was directly looking at me softly. “Take your time, Shan. Wag mo madaliin—it’s okay to be confused and unsure. You don’t have to rush,” he explained. The tears I had been holding back welled up in my eyes.

“Hindi ko alam kung gusto ba kita o hindi, Rei. Ayaw ko na maging masaya ka sa iba pero hindi sa akin,” I sobbed even more, saying that.

He held my hand and smiled. “Okay lang. Wag mo madaliin, andito lang ako,” he said, assuring me.

“Be patient with me, Rei. Wait for me until I find the answer I’m looking for. Stay with me until I realize things,” I explained, and he hugged me.

He hugged me tightly. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around him. I cried so hard to the point na para akong bata na nawawala at nahanap na ng nanay.

Si Rei, hindi iyakin pero ako iyakin talaga. How come this small person can be so strong while I, who am much bigger than him, am still a crybaby?

Sana sa akin lang siya ganito, kase kung ano ako sa kanya ay di ako ganoon sa iba.

I’ll protect him. I’ll be here until I find the answer I’m looking for. Humiwalay ako sa pagkakayakap ko sa kanya.

I held both of his arms and kissed his cheeks and forehead, just like I always do. “Don’t do this to anyone. Sa akin lang dapat,” sabi ko pa sa kanya kaya natawa siya sa akin.

“Wala pa nga tayo, ginagate-keep mo na ako,” he said. His soft laugh made me melt.

“Bakit? Bawal ba ’yon? In the end ako pa rin naman ang boyfriend mo,” mayabang kong sabi sa kanya.

“Ayaw ko sa iyakin. Kaya papalitan kita kapag gusto ko,” he said in a serious tone, kaya pinunasan ko ang mukha ko. “Ayan, di na ako umiiyak,” sabi ko sa kanya. Tinawanan niya lang ako at tumayo.

“Dami mong sinasabi. Umuwi na tayo,” aya niya sa akin at kinuha ang long sleeve na ipinasuot ko sa kanya.

I came closer to him and said something. I know para akong baliw sa sasabihin ko kahit wala kami.

“Give me kisses every day,” I said confidently, kaya napangiwi siya. “Ayaw ko nga. Alam ko na ang mangyayari—di mo ako titigilan,” reklamo niya sa akin at naglakad.

“Sige na, please,” I pleaded and hugged him from behind. “Ayaw ko nga. Aabusuhin mo lang eh,” he said and tried to break away from my embrace.

“Abel, ang bigat mo. Mapipiga ako niyan,” reklamo niya, pero di ko siya pinakinggan at pinilit ko siya lalo na pumayag sa kagustuhan ko.

“Porket alam mong mapipilit mo ako, ginaganyan mo na ako,” sabi niya pa kaya tumigil kami sa paglalakad.

“Bahala ka diyan, iiwanan kita dito,” banta ko sa kanya. “Edi iwanan mo,” sabi niya at naglakad ulit, kaso sinundan ko na naman siya.

I lifted him up and kissed his cheeks again. I even tickled him so he would agree.

“S-stop it now, Abel! It’s not funny,” he complained, catching his breath. I didn’t listen and kept going.

“F-fine, okay, I’ll give you what you want,” he said, panting. Pinapawisan siya kaya pinunasan ko.

He requested na ipasan ko raw siya, kaya pinagbigyan ko. Tutal magaan lang naman siya.

Habang naglalakad ako, tinawag ko ang pangalan niya, kaso wala siyang response kaya tiningnan ko siya.

He was sleeping soundly. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at kinuhanan kami ng picture—pati siya ay may solo.

Tinawagan ko si Cisco para sunduin kami gamit ang raptor. We waited in silence. I put his head on my shoulder habang nag-scroll sa cellphone ko.

As I scrolled, I saw a picture of my childhood friend. I remembered her—siya pala yung kalaro ko dati dito. How come I forgot her name?

I liked the photo and continued scrolling. As I scrolled through my phone, a message popped up kaya tiningnan ko kung ano ‘yon.

It was Leora, saying hi sa DM. I ignored it for now dahil dumating na sila Cisco kasama si Centi. Pero bakit kasama pa ‘yang isa na ‘yan?

“Naks, jackpot ka no?” asar ni Cisco habang binuksan ang backseat. Binuhat ko si Rei at inihiga sa likod, then I closed the door.

“Yuckers, mga in love,” sabi niya habang inaangat ang motor sa likod ng raptor.

“Shut up, kupal. Mag-drive ka na lang,” utos ko sa kanya na ginawa naman niya.

Naririnig ko pang tumatawa sila Cisco sa harap kaya binato ko ng ballpen ang ulo ni Centi. “Ang ingay niyo. Kapag nagising baby ko, isasako ko kayong dalawa,” pabiro kong banta.

“Baby daw,” they said in unison, sabay tawa.

“Whipped na whipped ah, mahal na mahal yarn,” Centi teased while laughing.

“Pumunta kanina si Leora sa bahay niyo,” anunsyo ni Centi, kaya nilingon ko siya. “Bakit?” tanong ko.

“Hinahanap ka, kaso sinabi namin na umalis ka,” Cisco answered.

“Ang ganda nga noon eh. Simple lang, bagay kami,” Centi said, na tinawanan lang ni Cisco.

These two morons tsaka lang nagkakasundo kapag may aasarin. Pero kapag silang dalawa lang, parang aso’t pusa.

18

DOLCE

Lumipas ang isang linggo, okay pa rin naman kaminh dalawa. Ang kaso nga lang, di naman kami masyadong naglalapit dahil nangaasar sila Centi.

“Kapag nalaglag ka diyan, di ko kasalanan ‘yan!” sigaw ni Cisco kay Exis na umaakyat sa puno.

Di na lang siya pinansin ni Exis at kumuha ng mangga. “Bagay pala sa’yo kapag nandiyan ka sa puno,” natatawang sabi ni Centi kaya lahat kami tumawa.

Binato ni Exis si Centi. “Tangina mo, manahimik ka diyan! Kapag nakababa ako dito, isasaklob ko ‘yang basket sa’yo,” he irritatedly said.

I peeling mango for Rei, who was sitting on the folding chair, not caring about the commotion happening. “You want?” he offered, but I shook my head in response.

“Hi, princess,” nakangiting sabi ni Cisco at binigay kay Rei yung juice. Nakangisi ito sa harapan ko kaya pinitik ko siya sa noo.

“Di raw papatol sa kapamilya ng tropa, pero ngayon tingnan mo, pinagsisilbihan pa,” he mumbled, pero narinig pa rin ni Rei. “Ano ‘yon?”

“Wala, mga nonsense lang pinagsasabi niyan. Dun ka na nga, kupal,” pagpapaalis ko kay Cisco.

“Diba ngayon dadating si Ate Aya?” tanong niya kaya tinanguan ko. “Susunduin ko siya mamaya, sama ka?” tanong ko sa kanya. “Ayaw ko, masakit paa ko kakatakbo kahapon,” reklamo niya at hinihilot ang paa niya.

“I’ll massage your feet later,” sabi ko sa kanya kaya tinanguan lang niya ako.

“Hoy, pababa na si unggoy! Grabe ang galing, kaya niya pala kumuha ng mangga. Akala ko dati saging lang eh,” painosenteng sabi ni Centi, kaya nang makalapit sa kanya si Exis, pinahid sa kanya yung dagta na nasa kamay niya.

“Ang baboy mo naman,” reklamo ni Centi at pinunasan ‘yon. Exis just ignored him and passed by him.

Lumapit siya sa amin ni Rei. “Conan, painom ako,” paalam niya kaya binigay ‘yon sa kanya. Tinitingnan lang siya ni Conan habang kumakain.

Habang kumakain kami ay may biglang dumating kaya lahat kami napatingin. It’s Leora; she has two plastic bags occupying both of her hands.

“Tulong naman oh,” sabi niya kaya binuhat ko na at inilapag sa table. “Thank you, Shan,” pasasalamat niya. I looked at Conan, who is still eating his food.

I saw her sit beside Conan na tahimik na kumakain. Napansin siguro niya na bago si Conan at ngayon niya lang nakita.

“Hi, I’m Leora, kababata ni Abel,” pakilala niya. I was just listening to them. Nilingon siya ni Rei at ngumiti lang.

“Sana all snober,” I hear her whisper kaya lumapit ako kay Conan na di ako tinitingnan. “Hey,” tawag ko sa kanya.

“Hmm?” he responded.

“Okay ka lang?” tanong ko. Tinanguan niya lang ako at tumayo siya.

“Saan ka pupunta?” tanong ko. “I’m going to sleep, masakit paa ko,” he coldly responded, sounding irritated.

Susundan ko pa sana siya kaso hinila ako ni Leora. “Saan ka pupunta? Mag-iinom pa nga tayo. Minsan na nga lang tayo nagkikita-kita and you are just going to ditch us,” she said, complaining. Her voice is not like pabebe, more like parang may accent na pang-province ‘yon.

Nagring ang cellphone ko. The caller I.D. is Ate Aya. I answered it. Nagpapasundo na siya. “I’ll just go. Susunduin ko muna si Ate Aya,” paalam ko sa kanila.

Leora even said na sumama rin sa amin si Ate Aya sa inuman, which I nodded to.

Binilisan ko ng kumilos dahil ayaw ni Ate na pinaghihintay siya. I started the car engine and drove away.

Pagdating ko sa pier, nakita ko si Ate Aya dala ang mga bagahe niya. “Ate!” sigaw ko para lumingon siya.

“Ang tagal mo,” reklamo niya sa akin at pinabitbit ang bag sa akin. Nang nakasakay kami sa kotse ay may sinabi siya.

“I’ve heard that you and Conan are already together,” she said without a break kaya nasamid ako sa sarili kong laway.

“Who told you that?” I asked while my eyebrows were knitted.

“Well, Cisco and Centi told me,” she replied.

Ang daldal talaga nung dalawang ‘yon. Ang advance masyado, kainis.

“Don’t believe them, Ate. We’ve known each other for five months only,” I explained at tumikhim siya.

She didn’t respond and just scrolled on her phone. Siguro ay ten minutes rin kami bago makarating sa bahay.

Nakaabang na kaagad si Mamita at Papa sa labas ng gate, ready to greet her. “Omyghad, my favorite apo,” she said smiling and hugged her. “Ma, baka awayin na naman ako ni Abel dahil sinabi mong favorite mo ako,” pabirong sabi ni Ate. They just laughed and got inside the house.

Pumasok ako sa kwarto ko para yayain si Rei na sumama sa inuman. I saw him at my balcony; he was smoking. I approached him and hugged him from behind.

“Hey, tama na ‘yan,” I told him and took it from his lips.

I put it in between my lips, inhaled it, and blew it out. He faced me and looked at me, his eyes intensely locked on mine, as if I did something wrong. So I asked him, “What’s wrong?”

I put my hands on his chest to balance myself, pinantayan ko ang mukha niya, just centimeters away.

“Bakit ka niya tinawag na Shan?” taas-kilay niyang tanong sa akin. Napagtanto ko na si Leora ang tinutukoy niya.

“She used to call me that,” I said, blowing the smoke on his face.

“Don’t let her call you that,” he ordered and crossed his arms. I chuckled when his eyebrows knitted.

So this is how he looks like when he’s jealous. “Wag kang tumawa, seryoso ako,” sagot niya sa akin. Tumango ako at hinawi ang hibla ng buhok niya na nagkalat sa mukha niya.

“Let’s go, mag-iinom tayo. I’ll massage your feet later before we sleep. Dito ka sa kwarto ko matulog,” sabi ko sa kanya at inakbayan siya palabas ng kwarto.

“Sa kwarto ako ni Syd matutulog mamaya,” sabi niya sa akin, kaya napahinto kami.

“Bakit?” tanong ko.

“Walang matutulugan ang Ate mo,” sagot niya sa akin.

“May sariling kwarto ‘yon,” depensa ko sa kanya, kahit ang totoo ay wala. Di pa nalilinis ang kwarto ni Ate, patatabihin ko na lang si Syd kina Centi mamaya.

---

Pumunta kami sa likod ng bahay kung nasaan sila Cisco na nagmi-mix ng GSM Blue. Pinaupo ko si Rei sa tabi kong upuan. Hapon na rin naman, perfect time for drinking.

I just wore a sando and cap, hiding my hair. Rei, on the other hand, was wearing a crochet cardigan with medium holes on it.

Ilang minuto lang ay may dumating na di ko inaasahan. I thought kami-kami lang magtotropa, plus Leora at Ate. Hindi ko alam na kasama pala nila sina Desdemona.

“Hello, boys,” she greeted and sat beside Leora. She was with two of her friends, siguro dalawa. Tangina, pupusta ako ng limang libo, may ikakama si Centi at Dio mamaya.

They didn’t pay attention to Rei, parang hindi lang siya nage-exist. I’m glad because ayaw rin naman ni Rei na may nakakapansin sa kanya.

I gave him one shot, and he drank it. Minsan, Cisco and Centi would joke around kasama si Exis.

Napailing ako. “It’s nice meeting you again, Abel,” Desdemona said, which made me look at her.

Nginitian ko lang siya bilang sagot.

“Naalala mo ba noon, Abel, nung kinakatahan mo ako ng ‘With a Smile’ ng Eraserheads? It was my favorite,” singit naman ni Leora na katabi ni Angela.

I looked at Conan, who didn’t react and just drank from his glass.

“Dahan-dahan lang,” bulong ko sa kanya, pero di ako pinansin at patuloy lang siya.

“Crush na crush ka nga dati ni Abel. Di na talaga ‘yan natigil kakabanggit sa’yo,” anunsyo ni Ate Aya kaya tiningnan ko siya nang masama.

“Ay weh ba, pati nung high school, bukambibig niya pa rin si Leora,” sabi pa ni Cisco, which made Leora blush a little bit. Kahit lasing siya, halata talaga.

“Bakit kasi di mo pinili?” natatawang sabi ni Cisco.

“Ang dami mo nang sinasabi, Cisco. Lasing ka na ata,” ani Exis at sinubuan si Cisco ng pulutan.

Wala naman akong imik sa kanila dahil katabi ko si Conan, na ngayon ay kunot ang noo at pinaglalaruan ang pagkain niya.

“Well, I guess we weren’t meant for each other that time,” Leora said, chuckling softly and directly looking at me.

“Maybe now, it can happen,” she said.

“Yun oh, yieee!” kinikilig pa sila Radyo at nagtutulakan.

“I’m taken,” I said without hesitation. I meant it. I don’t want to get involved with someone else’s business anymore. They are my past, and I shouldn’t go back there.

They fell silent when they realized what I just said. Di na nila ako inusisa doon, at ininom ko na ang shot ko.

I looked at Conan, who was already wasted. Namumula na ang pisngi niya. “Gusto mo na matulog?” bulong ko sa kanya. Di siya nagsalita, which means gusto na niyang umalis.

Ramdam ko na naiinis siya.

“Saan kayo pupunta?” tanong ni Syd.

“Matutulog na kami,” sagot ko sa kanila, at inakay si Rei papunta sa kwarto ko.

19

DOLCE

I lied him in my bed, tinanggal ko rin ang slippers niya. I grabbed the oil from my cabinet so I could massage his feet.

Habang minamasahe ko siya, naramdaman niya siguro na nandito ako kaya umupo siya.

“Matulog na tayo,” aya niya sa akin.
“I’ll finish this first. Matulog ka na. Do you want some milk ba? I can make one for you,” I said softly, kaso umiling lang siya.

“Abel…” he called out. I looked at him. Namumungay ang mga mata niya. “Bakit sinabi mo na taken ka na?” tanong niya.

“Do I really have to answer that when you already know the answer?” I said. Tumikhim siya.

“Siguro kaya mo ako kinakantahan kapag magkaka-VC tayo kasi naaalala mo si Leora,” he said sulking. He even crossed his arms.

Lasing na nga. “Come on, one time lang naman ‘yon, atsaka gusto ko kasi siya dati,” paliwanag ko, para di na siya magtampo.

“Kinantahan mo pa nga siya ng ‘With a Smile’ dati. Tapos ako…” he said, kaso pinatahimik ko siya.

“Sshhh, stop comparing yourself to her. She is my past. I shouldn’t go back there. Besides, andito ka naman na, kaya bakit ako maghahanap ng iba?” tanong ko sa kanya.

Nabawasan siguro ang tampo niya dahil di na siya nakangiwi sa akin.
“Umayos ka na ng higa mo. Sa couch ako matutulog ngayon,” sabi ko sa kanya at ngumiti.

“Bakit ayaw mo dito sa kama? Malaki naman dito,” sabi niya. “As much as I want to lie down beside you, I shouldn’t do that since baka ma-uncomfy ka,” I explained while putting socks on his feet.

His eyes were glistening, looking at me. “Just give me a kiss as compensation for massaging you,” I grinned while saying that. “Matulog ka na nga!” sigaw niya at nagtalukbong ng kumot.

I laughed, patted his legs, and made my way to the sofa. Inunan ko na lang ang braso ko at nagkumot.

Ipinikit ko ang mata ko at nag-isip-isip. I remember just five months ago, I always thought we were just friends, nothing else.

Siguro sa kakaisip ko, nakatulog na ako. Pagising ko dahil sa sinag ng araw, kagabi lang ay manipis pa ang kumot ko. Ngayon ay makapal na.

Napangiti naman ako at niyakap ‘yung kumot. I came downstairs looking for him, kaso wala siya.

“Looking for Conan?” Napalingon ako sa likod ko at nakita si Leora na umiinom ng tubig.

Tumango ako sa kanya.
“Nasa farm niyo siya. He is with Chico,” she informed me. “You like him,” she retorted habang naglalagay ako ng tubig sa baso.

“Sabi ko na nga ba,” she scoffed. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. “Tapos di ka pa rin umaamin. What an idiot,” she added, laughing.

“Wala ka na don, Leora,” I responded boredly at nilagpasan siya.

“I’m just joking last night, to see how you will react when I said that. It makes sense now,” she said kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.

“Cisco and Centi told me,” sabi niya. Ang daldal talaga ng dalawang ‘yon.

Umalis ako sa kusina at pumunta sa taas para magbihis. Magpapahaba na kaya ako ng buhok? I think it would suit me.

Pagdating ko sa farm, nakita ko sila Chico na nagpapakain ng damo sa mga baka.

“Try mo nga kainin, Chico,” alok ni Cisco habang tumatawa.
“Ikaw na lang. Mas bagay naman sa’yo,” balik niyang sabi kay Cisco.

I came over to Rei, who was eating a sandwich. He looked up when he saw me, kaya umusog siya kaunti para makaupo ako. Tinitingnan ko lang siya habang kumakain.

“Do you know how to ride a horse?” he suddenly asked while munching his food. There was a small sauce sa gilid ng labi niya.

Well, my instinct just told me to wipe it off. I saw his cheeks turn into rosy pink, which made me chuckle softly. He diverted his attention somewhere else.

“Yes,” I responded to his question. “Why? Do you want to ride it?” I asked, kaya napalingon siya sa akin. His eyes became bigger, and his eyes shone again.

“I’ll teach you, but first, finish your food,” I said. Luminga-linga pa ako kung may makakakita ba sa amin, kaso busy naman sila Chico.

I kissed his cheek for a second, “a kiss,” I added and smiled. Hinayaan niya lang ako. Nang matapos siya, nagpahinga muna siya.

I stood up and went to the cage of my two horses. Kumuha muna ako ng tali bago inalis ang padlock nun.

Sinuklay ko muna ang buhok nilang dalawa gamit ang kamay ko bago sila palakarin. “It’s nice to see you both again, Jack and Pony,” I said, talking to them. Tinali ko muna sila sa horse ranch at pinabantay kila Cisco.

I went back to Rei to pick him up.
“Let’s go,” I said and pulled his hand towards the horse ranch. I first made him wear boots and a hat so he wouldn’t get sunburned.

“Sana all, tinuturuan sumakay sa kabayo,” narinig kong sabi ni Centi na kakarating lang. “Pwede mo naman akong sakyan eh,” biro ni Cisco.

“Namamakla ka na naman. Atsaka anong connect non sa sinabi ko?” taas-kilay niyang tanong.

Mabuti na lang at di sila naririnig ni Rei. I demonstrated kung paano ang gagawin ni Rei bago siya sumakay.
“Put your one foot here, then hawakan mo ‘yung collar niya, then sumampa ka,” I said, demonstrating.

Tumango-tango lang siya. I helped him get on top before I climbed on his back. I let Cisco ride Jack since marunong naman siya.

“Ready? Just hold on to the rope, and you will be fine. Besides, I’m here; you won’t fall,” I whispered in his ear. Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin.

“Ang landi talaga,” I heard Cisco say before he got ahead of us. “Ang landi mo talaga, kaya inaasar tayo ni Cisco eh,” Rei muttered and looked at me.

Di ko siya pinakinggan at pinagalaw si Pony.
“Kaya mo na?” tanong ko before I completely let go of the rope.

He nodded, so I let him take over. Nakabantay pa rin ako, in case may mangyari. They have a hacienda too in his province, so why the hell doesn’t he know how to ride a horse?

Hindi ko na lang inusisa pa at binalik ang tingin sa kanya. He was smiling from ear to ear. He looked so happy, as if it was his first time riding something like this.

I hugged him from behind and put my head on his shoulder while the breeze hit both of us. He suddenly straightened his back so I could be more comfortable.

I placed my nose on his shoulder and inhaled his vanilla scent. Nagalit pa nga siya nung ginamit ko ang shampoo at sabon niya sa CR. I just wanted to smell like him.

Nang mapagod siya, bumaba na kami. I held his hand so he wouldn’t trip.
“Thank you,” he said and smiled.

“Let’s grab some ice cream later and swim,” aya ko sa kanya. “Sama kami!” singit naman ni Cisco.

“Ayaw ko. Maingay kayong dalawa ni Centi,” reklamo ko, at binaling ang atensyon kay Rei na nakatingin sa kanila.

“Rei oh, ayaw pumayag nitong si Abel. Gusto lang namin mag-ice cream, tapos ayaw pa kaming isama. Akala mo siya may-ari ng ice cream eh,” reklamo niyang pagsusumbong, while his lips were pouting.

“Hoy, kaya mo ngang bumili ng isang factory, tapos magsusumbong ka pa diyan,” sabi ko sa kanya at hinawi siya palayo kay Rei.

Rei just laughed and approved their company later sa bayan. Nalukot ang mukha ko nang pumayag siya. Tangina naman, gusto ko nga kaming dalawa lang. Tapos itong mga alalay niya ay gusto pang sumama.

I sighed because there was nothing I could do. Conan forced me to let my friends come with us. I rolled my eyes kaya tinapik ako ni Rei.

Nang nasa bayan kami, nag-ikot-ikot kami, pati sa may changge. We stopped by sa mga tindahan ng mga stuff toy na maliit.

Kumuha ako ng isang stuff toy na Snoopy. Nakita ko kasi sa lighter niya ‘yon at cellphone niya. It’s his favorite. Kumuha ako ng dalawa na magkaibang design at keychain.

“Magkano po ito lahat, Ate?” tanong ko sa tindera. “Two hundred fifty,” she responded.

Inabot ko ang bayad.
“Keep the change po,” sabi ko pa bago umalis at pumunta kina Cisco na nagpapaluto ng isaw.

Rei sensed me behind him, kaya nilingon niya ako. “Ano sa’yo?” he asked.

That’s not the kind of food I always eat, pero di naman ako ignorante para di malaman kung ano ‘yon.

Titikim lang ako. “Ikaw bahala. I’ll eat whatever you want,” I responded.

I saw Exis and Syd eating, sarap na sarap sila sa kinakain nila. Ito namang si Cisco, ang daming pinaluto, di naman pala alam kung paano kainin.

“Ganto kasi ‘yan,” turo ni Centi habang sinasawsaw sa suka.
“Hay nako, ang tagal mo na dito sa Pilipinas, di mo pa rin alam paano kainin ‘yan,” he responded, rolling his eyes.

We took pictures while eating, and after that, bumili na kami ng ice cream sa isang tindahan. He chose the strawberry-flavored one, na siyang pinili ko rin.

“Tara doon sa tulay, ‘yung malapit sa dagat,” aya ni Exis, kaya sumunod kami. I gave Rei some tissue in case madumihan siya.

We sat on the floor. The view you could see was tall trees and some mountains surrounding the ocean. I brought my digicam and took a picture of it.

While I was taking some shots, I changed the direction and focused it on Rei, who was eating peacefully, not caring about his surroundings.

Conan is pretty in every angle, especially when he blushes. Ang ganda-ganda niya.

20

DOLCE

Weeks have passed. We’ve been here for a month—siguro ay aalis na rin  kami next week pabalik ng Manila.

Sama-sama kami nila Chico dito sa may third floor. Gusto nila magtabi-tabi matulog. Noong una, umayaw ako dahil ang lilikot nila matulog kapag may katabi.

“Centi, wag ka malikot ha. Papalayasin kita dito sa higaan,” sabi ni Dio na katabi niya. “Oo na, ang ingay mo na naman,” Centi replied irritably. Kanina pa nagsusungit ang isa ‘to.

“Anyare diyan?” tanong ko kay Cisco.
“Ewan, nag-away ata sila nung kausap niya,” mahinang sagot niya habang inaayos ang kumot niya.

May kausap pala ‘yon. Hinintay ko muna si Rei na matapos maligo bago ako sumunod. I opened my phone and went to my gallery, scrolling, naghahanap ako ng maganda na pang-lock screen.

“Lahat maganda,” narinig kong sabi ni Cisco, kaya nilayo ko ang cellphone ko sa kanya. Di ko man lang siya napansin.

Hinawakan ko ang mukha niya gamit ang palad ko at nilayo ‘yon. Tumayo ako para pumunta sa balcony ng sala sa third floor para humanap ng magandang lock screen.

Pinindot ko ‘yung picture ni Rei na natutulog at ginawa kong wallpaper. Pumasok ulit ako at dumating naman siya habang nagpupunas ng buhok.

I scanned his whole body. He was wearing short boxers showing his white thighs, and the top was a Snoopy loose long sleeve. Terno nga ‘yan—binigay niya sa akin ‘yung pants dahil hindi naman sa kanya kasiya.

Kaya isusuot ko yung pants ngayong gabi.

Nilapitan ko siya, tiningnan ko kung nakatingin ba sa amin sila Cisco, pero busy naman sila kaka-cellphone.

When I came over to him, I could smell his vanilla scent invading my nostrils. I’ll never get tired of this smell.

“I’ll just wash up,” paalam ko sa kanya, at binigay niya sa akin yung tuwalya ko na kinuha niya sa drawer.

Bumaba ako sa second floor para doon maligo. Nadaanan ko pa si Exis sa isa sa mga bintana na may kausap. It’s not my intention to hear what he was saying. Di niya siguro ako napansin.

“I miss you, darling,” he said softly. Halatang in love na in love si gago. Di ko na pinakinggan ‘yung iba dahil privacy niya na ‘yon.

Pumasok ako ng bathroom and stripped. I opened the shower and let my body soak in it.

Ginamit ko nga ang body soap ni Rei. Dalawa ‘yon—isang lavender for his hair and vanilla for his body.

I grabbed the vanilla one. Papalitan ko na lang. While I was soaping my body, I remembered that I didn’t give Conan the small stuffed toy and keychain that I bought.

I’ll give him that later. Nag-shampoo na ako. I shaved my beard kasi medyo visible na siya. I brushed my teeth. Nalaglag ‘yung damit ko na dapat isusuot kaso hindi ko napansin nung hinila ko yung tuwalya ko.

I immediately picked it up. It was already wet. I’m too lazy to go back to my room. I’ll just sleep topless—like I always do when I’m alone.

Lumabas ako ng CR habang nagpupunas. Di na ako nag-abalang tumingin sa salamin kaya umakyat na ako sa taas. Pagbalik ko, nagpapatuyo pa rin ng buhok si Rei sa isang tabi. He was blow-drying his hair.

I came closer and told him that I would do it for him dahil nahihirapan siya. I sat on the floor facing his back. I took the blower from his hand and turned it on.

I brushed his hair so it could dry faster. I could smell the lavender from his hair. “Ginamit mo ang body wash ko, no?” tanong niya sa akin. Napangiwi naman ako sa kanya.

“Magdamit ka nga,” sabi niya sa akin. “Kakabagain ka niyan,” nag-aalala niyang sabi. “May kumot naman,” katwiran ko.

“Kahit na,” usisa pa niya. “Kapag ikaw nagkasakit, di ko kasalanan,” dagdag pa niya.

I didn’t respond and just smiled.

His body is warm. I could just hug him. Di niya ako pinansin hanggang matapos kami. Humiga kami sa dulo kaya nasa may gilid siya, at ako ang katabi ni Cisco.

MAURICIO

While we were lying down, hindi ko mapigilan na di mapangiti. I could feel his hot breath hitting my nape, his body cold because he just took a shower.

His manly scent was blending with my vanilla body wash. I knew my cheeks were red right now because of this position. I wasn’t uncomfortable—it was awkward, but not uncomfy.

Naiinggit ako sa katawan niya. It’s big to the point na parang lalamunin niya na ako, kaya pinagdadamit ko siya palagi. Besides, I’m shy when he shows his body in front of me.

Mabuti nga at napipigilan ko ang kilig ko dahil lalaki ang ulo non.

Crush na crush ko si Abel. Naalala ko na si Daddy ang una kong sinabihan na crush ko ang kaibigan ko.

I’ve been crushing on him since high school pa lang kami. Di niya naman ako kilala dahil three days lang kami sa camping non, at lumipat rin ako ng school.

Before, he didn’t know me. He didn’t even pay attention to me. But when I tripped on the rocks, he helped me and treated my wound. He even made me stop crying by giving me a Snickers with a Snoopy sticker on it.

I was shocked when he didn’t recognize me. But I just went with the flow that time when Kuya Chico introduced me to him and his friends.

I didn’t know that I would see him again. Hinanap ko siya sa Facebook noon kaso wala. Pati sa Instagram, wala rin. I almost gave up looking for him. I didn’t know that Kuya Chico and he were friends since high school pa, nung nasa America pa nag-aaral sila Kuya Chico.

When we first met, my heart was racing as fuck. Mukha lang akong walang gusto sa kanya noon, pero halos mamatay ako sa kilig.

I even lit up his cigarette that time. I almost died because of the proximity. I always admired him from afar. I was so happy nung naging close kami—when he sang for me every night before I sleep.

I just knew that I really liked him nung nasa beach. Umamin ako sa kanya. I was nervous as fuck, but in the end, it vanished because he told me about his feelings.

Kapag nagseselos ako, di ako umiimik sa kanya, pero iniisip ko na wala akong karapatan magselos dahil wala namang kami.

I love it when I kiss him, but I hate it when he wants to kiss me.

I just don’t like it. When he kissed me on the forehead while sleeping over at my condo, I was really awake that time. Nagwala pa ako noon sa loob ng kwarto ko sa kilig.

As if I was a high school girl na napansin ng crush nila. But every day that we are together, I cherish those moments I created with him.

“What are you thinking, Rei?” I was startled when he hugged me from behind. I could feel his cold body colliding with mine. My cheeks heated up for a moment. I didn’t respond, but instead, I stayed still.

He caressed my hair. I liked it. Di pa rin ako natutulog kaya hinarap ko siya. Our breaths were colliding, too.

“Yosi break,” aya ko sa kanya.
“It’s already midnight, and you still want to smoke,” he said.

“Tara na. Almost one month na akong di nagy-yosi. Just one stick,” I pleaded.

“Fine, but kiss me first,” he said at hinarap sa akin ang pisngi niya. Ito ang ayaw ko sa kanya dahil maabuso.

I kissed his cheeks twice. After that, tumayo kami para lumabas sa balcony.

When I saw the moon above us, it was a bit bigger. He gave me one cigarette, and I put it in my lips.

He lit it up using the stick on his lips. I was leaning on the rails of the balcony, and both of his hands were cornering me.

I smiled and cupped his face. Ang pogi niya. His eyes softened when he looked at me, admiring me even more.

I’m in love with him, and that will never change. “Kantahan mo nga ako,” sabi ko sa kanya. He laughed and bowed his head.

“What do you want me to sing?” he asked, blowing the smoke into the air.
“Anything you want,” I responded.

He thought for a minute.

“To all the days we were together, to all the time we were apart. Of each other’s lives. Heart to heart,” he sang softly.

I was listening carefully, remembering each word he was singing.

I grabbed the cigarette out of my lips and placed it between my fingers. My heart was racing so much. There it was again—the slow motion that I always see.

I kissed his cheek. It wasn’t fast so I could make him blush a bit. I like it when he blushes, too.

21

MAURICIO

“Bago ka lang dito?” tanong sa akin ng lalaking kasabay kong maglakad paakyat sa pagca-campingan namin.

“Oo. Ikaw?” tanong ko sa kanya pabalik.

“Hindi, matagal na ako dito sa school,” sagot niya sa akin. He is a bit taller than me pero payat lang siya, at yung buhok niya ay parang medium mullet.

“Anong section mo?” tanong niya sa akin. Di ko naman siya masagot dahil wala akong section.

“Wala eh,” kamot ulo kong sagot I held the strap of my backpack, feeling a bit shy.

“Huh?” he confusedly reacted.

“Sumama lang ako dito kasi request ko kay Daddy na gusto kong mag-camping bago ang birthday ko,” I softly said, nahihiya akong sabihin sa kanya pero di ko rin alam kung ano’ng irarason.

“Pwede ba ‘yon?” taas-kilay niyang tanong. Nagkibit-balikat na lang ako as a response.

“Masaya siguro maging mayaman,” he said, sadness visible in his voice.

“Hindi naman for me,” I responded.

It feels just like a normal family—financially stable, but even so, we still struggle. Most people think ang mayayaman ay wala nang problema dahil maraming pera, but in reality, we have them too.

Based on my experience, I was born in an orphanage. I grew up there, but when I turned five, I got adopted by a wealthy family. They were famous in our province and had three daughters.

But I always felt sad whenever my stepsisters told me I was adopted and didn’t belong to our family. Nung nalaman ni Daddy, nagalit siya kaya hiniwalay niya ako ng bahay at pinaalaga ako kay Ate Cha, mommy ni Kuya Chico.

“Anong pangalan mo?” tanong niya kaya binaling ko ang tingin ko sa kanya.

“Ako si Conan. Ikaw?”

“Rue ang pangalan ko. Magkaibigan na tayo ha? Wala kasi akong friends eh,” malungkot niyang sabi kaya tumango ako. Besides, wala rin naman akong nakakausap dito.

While we were talking, someone cried from the distance. Napukaw ang atensyon namin dahil sa iyak niya.

I looked at Rue with a questioning face.

“Si Abel ‘yan. Kahit mas matanda siya sa atin, iyakin pa rin. At yung kasama niya si Ate Aya, parang tomboy nga siya eh kasi nananamit siya ng panlalaki,” he answered. Tumango-tango ako sa kanya.

“Iyakin niya naman,” I said. He is big, pero iyakin.

When we got to the camping area, ginawa akong roommate ni Rue dahil natatakot akong matulog mag-isa.

We were in front of the bonfire while eating. The boy named Abel was silently eating his food. Kahit nagkakatinginan kami, di niya ako pinapansin kahit nginingitian ko siya.

I woke up from the noises outside kaya parehas kaming lumabas ni Rue. They were readying for the hiking.

“Be ready, kids,” the scout informed us kaya nagbihis kaming dalawa ni Rue.

Nang lumabas kami, tinawag kami isa-isa. Ako ang pinauna nila sa pila, at sumunod sa akin si Abel.

“Hello,” I greeted him, but he didn’t even respond, kaya nalukot ang mukha ko. Snobberist.

Habang naglalakad kami paakyat sa bundok na mabato, the girl scout who was holding my hand earlier let go, kaya nadapa ako.

I sat on the soil to check my knees. They were bleeding. The girl scout who had been holding my hand earlier was alerted, pero naunahan na siya ni Abel.

“Ang tanga-tanga mo naman,” he retorted while looking at the wound. He was holding a first aid kit.

While he was cleaning my wound, sinagot ko siya.

“Ikaw nga eh, mas malaki pa sa akin pero iyakin,” I said. He glared at me.

“Next time, be careful,” he said softly, which made me blush a little. Ang salbahe pero mabait naman siya.

After our camping, nagsiuwian na kami. But I didn’t tell him my name, so he doesn’t know it, but at least I know his name.

“Daddy!” I shouted when I saw my dad at the airport. He lifted me and kissed me.

“Daddy, malaki na ako. You shouldn’t lift me up, mabigat ako,” reklamo ko sa kanya habang nakanguso.

“Magaan ka nga lang. Atsaka, you’re still my baby,” he replied.

While we were walking, I called Daddy.

“Daddy, I have something to tell you,” I said, fidgeting with my fingers.

“What is it?” he asked and put me in the back of the car.

“I think I have a crush,” I said shyly, which made me hiccup.

“Who is it? The girl from the camping?” he asked, fixing my seatbelt.

“No, Daddy, I think I like a boy,” he stopped in his tracks from what I said.

“Daddy, are you mad that I like a boy?” I asked innocently.

He caressed my hair and kissed my forehead like he always does before I sleep.

He shook his head and looked at me smiling.

“No, baby. In fact, Daddy is happy. Thank you for telling me. Daddy loves you. Tanggap kita, anak,” he said. I couldn’t fully understand what he meant by that, but still, I was happy Daddy didn’t get mad.

Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, hinanap ko ang Facebook account niya pero wala. Pati sa Instagram niya, wala rin. Halos buwan-buwan ko siyang sinisearch ang name niya pero iba ang lumalabas.

Until years passed, I still remembered him. Not until my dad told me I could study in Manila. Sinunod ako ni Kuya Chico. He said he wanted me to meet his friends. At first, I didn’t agree, pero wala na akong nagawa.

When I saw him, I was stunned but didn’t show it. He got bigger this time and even taller than me. Hanggang balikat niya lang ako.

When he introduced me to his friends, Abel was looking at me, maybe trying to intimidate me, but I stayed unbothered—bawal halata.

As time went by, we became close. I literally developed my feelings toward him even deeper.

We even had this thing just between us, like ‘yosi break’ na ginagawa namin minsan.

Until I got used to it when he was around. I wasn’t uncomfortable every time I was with him; I knew I was safe.

Some of our moments were just normal things to do between friends, but sometimes I knew something was wrong with him.

He was always glaring at Cisco, even kay Radio. Di ko alam kung anong pakulo niya sa buhay. Matampuhin siya kahit ako ay naiinis sa kanya.

Nung nasa yate kami, nasobrahan ata ang pagseselos ko. But still, I didn’t let my jealousy become a habit. Talagamh pinapaalala ko sa sarili ko na wala akong karapatan dahil wala namang kami.

Not until I told him I liked someone—which was him. I told him that while we were playing a game. He was curious.

But I think he was just curious because he was my friend. I never thought he’d like me back like I liked him. I knew he was a straight guy, and no matter how much I did, I could never pull him to my side.

That’s why I didn’t bother to show any affection to him. But I still did, like letting him kiss me on the cheek. Na ginawa ko rin nung nagalit siya dahil natatalo siya sa laro.

I was so nervous for real. I didn’t know where all my courage came from.

Ang dami kong ginawa para sa kanya so I could show him how much I appreciated him, more than everything. I painted him, I wrote letters and poems for him that he would never see or read.

I was fine doing that without any return. I was fine looking at him, just admiring him without him noticing, so he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.

But the universe has a plan, I guess. I didn’t know he was thinking about something he couldn’t figure out. I was happy that he appreciated me and saw me as something more, but I wasn’t sure.

He requested that I should give him kisses. I didn’t want to do that because I didn’t want to get attached. Baka mamaya infatuated lang talaga siya sa akin, tapos nung hulog na hulog na ako, wala naman siya para saluhin ako.

Pero marupok ako, eh. I gave in.

His sweet, soft voice. His words that keep ringing in my mind. His face that I couldn’t even forget. His body that I always wanted to be close to me.

Those were just dreams before, but now they’re fulfilled.

I want to be loved by him, but not in a way that I will get hurt because he is just infatuated.

I always knew the truth: he is the reason why I didn’t let my heart open to anyone since the day I met him. I was never ready for a relationship, but I was ready to risk it all for him. But now, I don’t know.

What if one day, suddenly, I’m nothing to him? What if I wasn’t as important to someone as I thought I was?

I have so many “what if’s,” and those are my biggest fears.

22

DOLCE

Siguro after one month and one week, nagsiuwian na kami. Just like before, sa yate kami ni Cisco sumakay pabalik, at this time kasama na namin si Ate Aya.

I didn’t bid goodbye to Leora, since that day nung nag-usap kami, paalis na ulit siya papuntang States.

Before our class starts, we will have a family dinner again kasama na ang grandparents namin.

I was smoking outside the cabin to get some fresh air. Our vacation was really fun. I want to go here with Conan next time.

Anyways, I’m really a bit worried because he never expresses his feelings towards me. Yes, he did confess to me, but I never got the chance na malaman kung ano bang nararamdaman niya because sometimes, kapag nagtatanong ako, umiiwas siya.

I don’t know what’s wrong. Sometimes I want to ask him, but it never comes out of my mouth. I want to know him more.

I just know that he likes smoking, Snoopy, the sea, paintings, dark red, and his dog-but he doesn’t like kisses that much, pati na rin ang pagiging clingy.

Despite that, our relationship grew even more. We want to be with each other. Parang lowkey lang, though we aren’t in a relationship, we are aware.

Aware na we are both struggling, kahit na hindi niya sabihin. Alam ko na nagsa-struggle pa rin siya. I don’t know the reason, pero hindi naman ako manhid para hindi maramdaman ‘yon.

I was startled when someone patted my back. It’s Chico, gesturing me to come with him.

I looked at him with a questioning face.

“I know what you are thinking,” he said while lighting up his cigarette.

“Wag mo madaliin. Magsasabi rin ‘yon sa’yo. Let him say things to you. Wag mo siya i-pressure, though I know na hindi mo ginagawa. In case lang naman. He knows what he’s doing. He likes you, sinabi niya naman sa’yo, kaya wag ka mag-overthink. If you think that he’s struggling, yes, he is. So be patient. He will tell you everything,” he explained and sighed.

“Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong iniisip niya, Chico. Kung ano bang nararamdaman niya. I’m so worried about him. He never tells me that much,” I explained in a low voice.

“Ganun talaga ‘yon si Reil. Di ‘yon magsasabi hangga’t ayaw niya. Kahit pilitin mo siya, di niya pa rin sasabihin. Kaya be patient with him, just like he is with you,” he said, lifting the atmosphere and patting my back to ease the feeling.

“By the way, may dandelions are back. May gig kami sa Sunri next week, so you better be there,” he said, informing me about his gig.

“I’ll let you sing,” he added and walked away.

Pagkatapos ko, pumunta ako sa cabin namin nila Syd. Si Ate Aya ay nasa kabilang cabin.

I saw Reil watching something on his phone. When I came closer, I saw him watching dog videos. He was laughing.

Tinukod ko ang tuhod ko sa kama, kaya napatingin siya sa akin.

“Naligo ka?” tanong niya. Umiling ako.

“Don’t worry, I brushed my teeth before going here, so I won’t smell like cigarettes,” sabi ko. He didn’t respond, so I hugged him from his back.

I felt him tense up a bit, so I asked, “Are you okay with this?” I was concerned because I didn’t want him to get uncomfortable.

“No…” he awkwardly said.

We watched it together until we fell asleep. Ginising kami ni Cisco dahil nasa pier na raw kami.

Mabilis ang biyahe since di naman ganoon kapangit ang panahon. I took our bags to Syd’s car.

After an hour, nagkanya-kanya na kami ng destinasyon. Ako na sana maghahatid kay Reil, kaso sabi ni Syd siya na raw.

Pinabayaan ko na lang. I’ll call him later. Pagdating namin sa bahay, dumiretso na ako sa kwarto ko at humiga sa kama.

Natulog ulit ako dahil inaantok talaga ako. Gabi na nung nagising ako-it’s already 7:30 PM.

Nag-shower muna ako bago binuksan ang laptop ko. I was drying my hair while typing my password.

Hinanap ko kaagad ang name ni Reil at tinawagan siya. Natutulog pa kaya siya? He answered, but I didn’t see him there-until I saw someone else.

Hindi siya pamilyar.

“Hello?” I called out to get his attention. My eyebrows furrowed, but he didn’t respond.

“What the fuck?” I cursed in frustration and hung up the call.

Bakit may lalaki sa kwarto niya mismo? Nasaan ba siya? Kailangan ba may ibang sasagot ng tawag ko?

Humiga ako sa kama nang naiinis dahil sa nangyari. Wala naman akong dapat alamin tungkol doon, pero ano bang pake ko?

I gritted my teeth and opened my phone, scrolling through Instagram. I refreshed it and saw Conan’s story.

I pressed it and saw him hugging a man. He’s taller than him-siguro around 6’0 feet tall. Ang laki niya. Halos gusto kong pagdikitin ang kilay ko.

I saw the caption saying, “Welcome home, babi.” I raised my eyebrow and threw my phone.

I gripped my hair out of frustration. May iba ba siyang lalaki? I don’t want to overthink, but still, I couldn’t help it.

Itinulog ko na lang ulit kahit kakagising ko lang. Ni hindi ko na inabalang kumain. I lost my appetite.

Nagising ako dahil sa ringtone ng phone ko. Kinuha ko ito sa tabi ko at pinatay agad. I stretched my body and got out of my room.

I came downstairs and saw my friends having breakfast. When they saw me, tinawag pa nila ako at inaaya, pero naalala ko na naman ang nangyari kagabi.

I ignored them and went to the kitchen to refill some water.

“Let’s eat, Abel. Kagabi ka pa walang kain,” sabi ni Ate Aya.

“Oo nga. Ang sarap nga ng luto ni Ate Aya,” Cisco said while his mouth was full of food.

“May kahahantungan yang katakawan mo na ‘yan, Cisco,” puna ni Syd sa kanya.

“Nakita mo ba ‘yung story ni Conan sa IG? Sino kaya ‘yon?” tanong ni Cisco. I saw Syd pinch him on his side.

He said something I couldn’t hear. My stomach grumbled from hunger, kaya kumain na lang ako.

Habang kumakain kami:

“Pumunta nga tayo mamaya sa court. May laban ‘yung team nila Percival at team nila Seth,” Cisco informed us.

“You mean Seth Matteo De Leon? ‘Yung polsci 4th-year student sa UST?” Syd asked in surprise.

Cisco nodded. “Bakit, kilala mo ‘yon?” he asked, kaya lahat kami nakatingin sa kanya.

“Well, I guess I am?” Syd responded as his eyes drifted away from us.

My friends didn’t mind at all except Radio.

“Samahan niyo ako manood mamaya. Libre ko na pagkain natin. Pustahan ‘yon-larong tropa-tropa lang,” dagdag pa ni Cisco.

“Isama niyo nga si Chico tapos si Conan,” sabi ni Syd.

“Nagsabi na ako kanina. Sabi susunod daw sila,” singit ni Cisco.

Sabay-sabay kaming umalis ng bahay papuntang court. When we got there, may ni-reserve na si Cisco na seats. Some girls were talking behind us nang makaupo kami.

“I love his hair so much. Bagay sa kanya ang buzz cut talaga,” one of the girls said in a girly voice.

I grinned and looked at the court. Magsisimula pa lang naman. The muses of each team were introducing themselves.

Sa team ni Percival, ang muse nila ay si Miliani, na dating pinopormahan ni Radio. Yung team naman nila Seth ang muse ay si Freya.

“Tatlong games lang. Pusta ako ng limang libo sa team nila Percival,” sabi ni Cisco at naglapag ng pusta.

“Nasa akin ang swerte. Kay Seth ako,” sabi ni Exis at pinagpag ang pera sa katawan niya.

“Ako rin,” Centi replied boredly while looking at the court.

I saw Chico and Conan with someone I don’t know. Siya ba ‘yung lalaki kagabi sa myday niya?

Nabadtrip ako, kaya lumingon ulit ako sa court. Dinala-dala pa niya dito.

“Pre, wag ka dito magselos, okay? Mamalasin ang panalo natin. Mamaya ka na magtampo,” narinig kong sabi ni Cisco habang tumatawa.

Lalo pa akong nainis nang umupo na siya. Di naman pogi eh. Mas pogi pa ako diyan.

23

DOLCE

Siguro ay buong laro ay nakabusangot lang ako. I was looking at them with knitted eyebrows. They were laughing together.

Talagang inakbayan pa niya. I scoff with annoyance. “Bad trip na bad trip ka naman ah,” bulong ni Centi habang nagchi-cheer sa grupo nila Seth.

Siniko ko ang kamay niya na nakapatong sa balikat ko sa inis. “Ikalma mo, ‘di ako ang kaaway mo,” biro niya sa akin kaya tiningnan ko siya.

“Just shut up,” sabi ko sa kanya at inirapan siya. He laughed. “I didn’t know that he likes older guys,” he said with a grin.

“Matanda rin naman ako ah,” bulong ko pa.

“Ha? Ano ‘yon?” tanong ni Centi habang natatawa.

“One year lang tanda mo sa kanya, ‘wag kang feeling diyan,” dagdag niya.

Nye, nye. Do I need to be older like Keanu Reeves so he can like me too? Eh, para ngang tatay na ‘yung kasama niya. Sana all gurang.

I didn’t cheer for the team I bet on dahil masama talaga ang timpla ko. Seth’s team won the game. Larong tambay lang naman ‘yon kaya hindi sila magkakainitan ng ulo.

Varsity kasi si Seth kaya malamang mananalo talaga sila. Lumapit ang grupo nila sa amin.

“Tangina, dapat nagpatalo kayo! Tangina kasi, ubos pera ko,” reklamo ni Cisco.

“Wow, the youngest businessman has no money in his pocket. Hindi ka mawawalan ng pera kahit tarantado ka,” Seth replied and chugged his water.

“Yayabang na naman ‘yang si Exis,” sagot ni Cisco. Tiningnan niya si Exis na parang baliw na ginawang pamaypay ang pera. Cisco raised his middle finger in front of Exis.

“Nagpapalakas ‘yan,” singit ni Syd na kararating lang na may dalang tubig at pamunas.

“Oh,” he simply said and gave the towel and the drink to Seth.

“Thank you, Syd,” he replied, smiling.

“Magkakilala kayo?” Cisco asked shockingly.

Syd nodded in response.

“Bakit?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Wala lang, nagtatanong lang,” Cisco replied in amusement and changed the topic.

“Dapat ‘yung nanalo nagpapainom eh,” kantyaw niya kaya binatukan ko.

“Aray!” reklamo niya.

“Kapag nasira kulot wave ng buhok ko, ipapasalon mo ‘to!” he said, brushing his hair with his hand, fixing it.

“Baka akala mo pinakulay ko ‘yan, natural hair ko ‘yan. Kapag talagang nasira ‘yan, ako sisira sa mukha mo,” sagot niya pa kaya napangiwi ako sa sinabi niya. Anong connect?

“Yeah, I will. Punta kayo sa YOLO later. I’ll treat you guys and the new friend of yours,” Seth smiled and pointed at Conan, who was talking to Chico. Wala na ‘yung lalaki na kasama nila.

Mabuti naman. I checked my phone to see if he messaged me pero wala man lang.

“Alis na kami,” paalam ni Seth at inakbayan si Syd.

“Oy, oy, saan kayo?” Cisco curiously asked.

“He is going with me. He is treating me to dinner tonight. See ya!” He bid goodbye. I looked at Radio, who was sitting there, looking at them until they vanished.

My attention drifted from him and made its way to Rei, who was already in front of us.

Inakbayan siya ni Cisco. “Sama ka sa amin sa YOLO later, and the guy you are with, let him come with us too,” sabi ni Cisco. He nodded and smiled.

Nagtagpo ang mga mata naming dalawa pero umiwas siya. Why is he avoiding me now? Hindi ko siya pinansin.

Cisco mumbled something to him. He just nodded as a response. What is he whispering about?

Nang makarating kami sa YOLO, pumasok kami sa isang VIP room na nire-serve ni Seth, kasama niya ang mga tropa niyang sina Liam pati na rin si Timotheo.

“Guys, umupo na kayo,” Seth gestured to us, which we did. I was sitting comfortably when Rei sat beside me kaya umusog ako, but still, I didn’t talk to him.

Nagtatampo na naman ako, but kahit na ganoon, I still care for him. Radio gave him a shot, which he accepted and drank.

“Ang pait,” he whispered, pero narinig ko. His hand gradually picked up the strawberry on the table. Bakit may ganyan dito? Maybe he requested it.

“Nga pala, Cisco, daming article sa’yo ha. Your issue is well known in our school,” Seth said.

“Alam mo na, anak ng mga politiko eh,” he said sarcastically.

We drank a few shots, hanggang sa naisipan naming mag-videoke. They opened the TV screen. Si Cisco ‘yung unang kakanta.

Tipsy na siya. Lasenggo pero mababa ang alcohol tolerance. He sang some kid song like “Baby Shark.” Ano kayang naisip ng baliw na ‘to ang kantahin?

They all laughed at his silliness, including me. Mukha kasi siyang tanga. Ewan. Nagkakaganyan lang siguro siya dahil lasing.

I looked at Conan, pang-limang shot niya na ‘yon kaya kinuha ko na.

“Akin na ‘yan, that’s enough,” may diin kong sabi kaya wala siyang nagawa at hinayaan na lang.

I saw him wiping his palm on his pants, meaning he was nervous. Kahit naiinis ako, nagtanong pa rin ako.

“What’s wrong?” I asked coldly kaya pati siya ay gulat na napatingin sa akin.

His breathing was unstable. “H-ha?” The fear in his eyes was visible. Halatang maluluha na siya.

“What’s wrong?” I asked again, this time more worriedly. Hinarap ko siya. He looked in another direction.

“W-wala,” he responded at kinuha ang alak sa kamay ko.

I didn’t mind at all dahil nagtatampo pa rin ako. He didn’t even explain.

Natutulog na si Cisco sa sofa, pati si Centi. Si Chico, Radio, at Exis ay kumakanta samantalang si Syd ay nakikipag-usap kay Seth.

Conan’s phone rang. Tiningnan ko kung sino ang caller—‘yung babi. He picked up the phone and answered.

Gusto kong ilapit ang tainga ko sa speaker ng cellphone niya para lang malaman kung anong pinagsasabi ng lalaki ‘yon.

“You can pick me up na po. I’ll send the location,” he responded and hung up the phone.

I took the glass from his hand at nilagok ‘yon.

“Umuwi ka na. Baka mamaya sabihin pa nung babi na ‘yon bad influence kami sa’yo,” I overacted and even crossed my arms. Napairap ako.

Confusion was all over his face. Nagmamaang-maangan pa. Nakakainis lang.

“What are you talking about?” he said, furrowing his eyebrows. Tiningnan ko lang siya at binaling ang tingin sa iba.

I was sulking like a kid who didn’t get his present. “Bahala ka diyan, Abel,” dagdag niya pa bago tumayo at lumabas. Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at uminom ulit.

Siguro ay dalawang araw din kaming hindi nagpapansinan dahil na rin siguro doon. No video call for two days. No text for two days. Ilang oras din akong umiiyak.

Ewan. Siguro dahil feeling ko hindi niya na ako gusto. Ang tagal ko ma-figure out lahat. Nakakainis lang. Sa ganon ay papalitan niya na ako kaagad.

Masarap ba ‘yung lalaking ‘yon? Parang mas kapalit-palit pa ako ah.

Ilang araw na rin akong naghihintay ng message niya pero wala pa rin. No response rin siya sa GC namin. Kahit si Chico ay walang response. Habang naghihintay ako, nag-pop-up ang message ni Chico kaya pinindot ko ‘yon.

“Come here sa condo,” his message was simple pero halatang may nangyari.

I stood up and dragged myself to the bathroom to shower. Ginamit ko ‘yung nabili kong lavender shampoo.

Habang papunta ako sa condo ni Chico, hindi ko maiwasang kabahan. Ano kayang meron? May nangyari ba kay Rei?

I’m so worried. Halos liparin ko na ang daan papunta sa condo ni Chico. When I arrived, pumunta kaagad ako sa receptionist para kunin ang card sa room ni Chico.

I was at the door standing. When I opened it, I was met with a dark room. There was no light.

“Chico?” tawag ko.

When I arrived at the living room, I was startled.

“Happy birthday to you,” they sang. Cisco came and put a hat on my head.

“Happy birthday, dear Shanti, happy birthday to you.”

I saw Rei holding the cake while walking towards me.Pakiramdam ko ay kami lang ang tao sa loob ng condo. Na-miss ko siya kahit nagseselos pa rin ako.

“Happy birthday, Abel. State your wish and blow your candle,” he said softly. My heart was literally beating fast, and I didn’t know why.

I wished my mom would be happier this time. That’s my wish.

I blew the candle, and when I opened my eyes, our gazes met. It lingered there. His eyes again were full of stars, full of admiration.

If you’re going to ask me what is my favorite thing about him…

It’s his
eyes
.

24

ABEL
.

I’ll say this is the best birthday of my life, and I am grateful for it. My friends were complete even though my parents weren’t here—at least I have them.

“I baked your cake,” he said, giving me one piece of it to eat. We were sitting on the sofa talking. He sat beside me at ipinatikim ‘yon sa akin.

It’s delicious, magaling pala siya mag-bake? I didn’t know. “Nagustuhan mo ba?” tanong niya sa akin. Tinanguan ko siya.

“Thank you,” pasasalamat ko sa kanya. “Pinaghandaan mo ‘to? I can’t even remember my own birthday, Rei,” I softly said, sadness visible on my face.

“I wouldn’t be able to do this without your friends. They helped me set this up; you should thank them too,” he explained. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

Cisco came to us holding juice in his left hand. “Ayos ba? You were shocked, right?” sabi niya nang may pagyayabang.

“So, you teamed up?” I asked, looking at them. Tumatango sila sa harapan ko.

“I guess it worked,” Cisco replied and gave Conan a high five, which he returned.

“Ang hirap kaya mag-keep face nang hindi tumatawa habang nagseselos ka,” natatawa niya pang sabi. Napasimangot naman ako dahil doon.

I looked at Rei, who was laughing. “You better explain to me later what is happening, Rei,” I said in my normal voice.

He just smiled and nodded his head. Kumain siya ng cake at sinubuan niya rin ako. Dadating daw si Mommy mamaya to celebrate my birthday with me.

“It is your first time?” Rei asked when we were both on the balcony. First time ko ba ‘to?

I think so. My mom and Ate Aya used to surprise me before, but I have never experienced this kind of thing—na nag-bake para lang sa birthday ko at nag-effort masyado.

I didn’t answer him and just inhaled the smoke, squinting my eyes, then blew the smoke into the thin air.

“All I can say is this is the first time I forgot my birthday because I was being jealous of something I didn’t know,” I explained. He took the cigarette between my fingers and put it in his lips.

He laughed. “Or did you forget your birthday because of me?” he said, giving me a little hint that he was joking.

I can’t say the truth. I was jealous of the man he was with, ni hindi ko alam kung sino ba ‘yon sa buhay niya. I want him to explain.

“Hindi ah,” katuwiran ko.

“You are not a good liar, Shan. I can see it on your face and how you acted these past few days. Trust me, I’ve been there,” he chuckled and blew the smoke.

Sumandal siya sa glass ng riles ng balcony. “That’s my dad, Shanti,” he casually said, which made me look at him, shocked.

“What?” I asked again. Maybe I misheard it.

“I said that’s my dad—the one who answered the phone, the one who I brought with me sa game, and the one on my story,” he explained, looking at me.

So, I believed him. I was shocked to know about his dad. All this time, akala ko ay lalaki niya ‘yon. I don’t think he is old. He has a matured face, but you cannot determine if he is already married or not.

“Fine, I surrender. I got jealous when your dad literally answered the call I made,” I said and rolled my eyes.

“I call him Babi because it’s too common for me to call him Daddy,” he explained. “Satisfied now?” he added.

“But why are you ignoring me?” I asked and faced him.

“You avoided me first,” he said sarcastically.

“Why didn’t you tell me that he was your dad?” I curiously asked.

“You didn’t ask, and it’s part of our plan. Sinama ko talaga si Daddy so you couldn’t talk to me dahil alam kong magseselos ka. Atsaka ‘yon na yung mabisang paraan para makalimutan mo ang birthday mo,” he explained.

“Remember the last time when we were on Cisco’s yacht? Your friends were talking about you, about your birthday, but you seemed to forget it. I was the one who planned everything, kasama ko si Cisco, but my plan wouldn’t have happened if your friends didn’t help me,” he confessed.

Hindi sila halata masyado na may inihahanda sila para sa akin, but Cisco was so suspicious. He even whispered something to Rei in front of me and acted like nothing was happening. He was fine when Conan’s dad was there with us.

Ngayon ko lang din naman na-realize. I thought I was hallucinating.

“What do you say now?” he asked.

“Well, I guess I was jealous of your dad even though I knew he looked like a manong,” I said, feeling guilty.

He laughed. “My dad wants to meet you personally. He didn’t talk to you that time because he was with us too,” aniya. Kinabahan naman ako dahil doon.

He saw that I was tense, so he held my hand. “Wag ka kabahan. Si Babi lang ‘yon. You are bigger than him, so don’t worry,” pagbibiro niya sa akin.

Bumalik kami sa loob nang dumating na si Mommy.

“Happy birthday, anak,” she greeted when she approached me. She kissed my cheek and handed me her gift.

When I looked at Mom, eyebags were visible, and tiredness was evident in her eyes. Pumapayat na rin siya.

“Mommy, are you okay?” I asked worriedly.

“Yes, I am fine. Stress lang me sa work,” she retorted and made me sit on the chair.

Stress kamo kay Dad.

Sinandukan ko siya ng pagkain para makakain siya. She isn’t well—I knew it. Di pa nga siya nakakain ng lunch niya.

“Hi, Tita! Kilala niyo pa po ba ako?” bati ni Cisco ko at nag-bless.

Nakatingin lang sa kanya si Mom. “Ako lang naman yung poging tropa ng anak niyo,” nakangiti niyang sabi.

Binatukan siya ni Centi. Natawa naman si Mommy sa kanila.

“How could I forget you, Cisco? You’re the one who always trips every time you’re running,” she said, smiling.

“Ay ‘yon lang, Tita? Bakit mga kahihiyan ko lang ang naaalala niyo sa akin?” kunot-noo niyang sabi at namewang.

“Ano ba dapat alalahanin sa’yo? You are not that important to Tita,” Radio replied, kaya napatingin sa kanya si Centi.

“Hoy, bakulaw! Wag mo ako ina-ano diyan,” banta niya at dinuro-duro si Radio.

“Di pa nga kita inaaano,” ani ni Radio at inakbayan si Centi.

“Grabe, Cisco. Magaling ka na mag-Tagalog—straight na!” she said happily.

“Ikaw naman, Radio. Super laki na ng katawan mo, just like your other friends too,” she complimented them.

But she saw someone just standing there, smiling at them. Mom gestured for him to come.

“Who are you, iho?” she asked.

“I’m Conan po,” he replied with blushing cheeks.

“Ang pogi, mas pogi pa kay Cisco,” she said jokingly.

“Tita naman eh! I was more handsome; cute lang siya,” reklamo ni Cisco at tinuro si Conan, na natawa lang.

“Just kidding. Makinis ka rin, ha. Ikaw pala yung palaging bukambibig nitong si Shanti sa ate niya,” she said suddenly, which made me shy.

I was embarrassed, so I couldn’t look at them properly.

“Mommy naman, kailangan pa bang sabihin ‘yon?” patampo kong tanong sa kanya.

“Di ba ‘yon totoo, Shanti, ha?” she said sarcastically.

Wala na akong nagawa at napangiwi na lang.

He will think that I am so obsessed with him. I’m gonna cry.

Conan gave her a cake, and she tasted it. “Magaling ka pala sa baking, ha,” she complimented him, which made him smile.

“Di naman po, Ma’am,” he waved his hands, meaning hindi totoo or nahihiya lang siya.

“Just call me Tita, Conan. Besides, you are friends with my mga anakshies naman,” she informed him.

She came closer to me para may ibulong sa akin. “I like him, Shanti. He is so mabait,” she whispered.

I smiled because of that. I’m happy that Mom likes him kahit kakakita pa lang nila.

25

DOLCE
.

We are now at the restaurant where we made a reservation for meeting Conan’s dad. I don’t know what the real purpose of this is.

My palms are sweating so bad, para akong mamatay sa kaba. Rei notices it, so he puts his hand on mine to ease the nervousness I’m feeling.

“It’s fine, don’t worry. Mabait ‘yung babi,” he assured me and gave me a thumbs up.

While we were talking, we were interrupted when someone came in. At first, I thought it was his dad, but no.

It’s someone else, pero nakasunod ang daddy niya.

“Papa?” Rei questioned and stood up in surprise. He came towards the man.

A questionable look appeared above my head. Papa niya? He has two dads? I didn’t know.

“Yes, it’s me, sweetie. Wala pang isang taon and you already forgot about me?” he asked, feeling hurt about it.

“I thought you were coming back next month. Babi didn’t tell me,” Rei said and looked at his dad, who was standing behind the man.

“Conan, it’s a surprise, so why should I tell you?” his babi said, smiling. “Besides, I want to meet your someone here,” his papa said and looked at me.

I bowed my head a little to give them a greeting. “So, you must be Abel. Conan used to tell us a lot about you,” he said, coming over to me.

“Yes po, sir,” I said and smiled to show respect.

“Stop with the formality, Abel. Just call me Tito Kai,” he smiled and tapped my shoulder.

“Thank you po, Tito Kai,” I replied, and he nodded in response.

“Let’s have a seat,” he offered, and we sat down. We are sitting across from his parents.

We ordered our food. Madaming in-order ang parents niya since matakaw raw ang anak nila.

When our order arrived, we ate while chatting with each other.

“I didn’t introduce myself pala sa’yo, Abel. I’m Marcus, I’m Kai’s husband. I believe you met me na because of some kind of prank Conan and your friends did,” he said while chuckling.

Tito Marcus’ voice is deep, while his husband has a low voice. Their combination is perfect.

Tito Marcus is wearing a Ralph Lauren polo with khaki slacks, while Tito Kai is wearing a sleeveless white top with shorts na hanggang tuhod niya lang. They look so expensive even though their outfits are simple.

“What is your course, Abel?” Tito Kai asked while sipping his wine.

“Med student po ako,” I answered.

“Ohhh, that’s good. Galingan sa pag-aaral, ha,” he said, smiling. “Punta ka sa province namin ha. Our anniversary is coming up next month. Let’s go and mag-golf tayo,” aya sa akin ni Tito Marcus.

Tumango naman ako sa kanila. “Titos, thank you for inviting me here po. I’m grateful po,” I said thankfully.

“Well, since the one who is sitting next to you keeps bugging me about you, kaya inimbitahan ka talaga namin dahil ikaw palagi ang bukambibig,” kwento ni Tito Kai. Sumimangot naman si Conan sa papa niya.

“Papa, need pa ba ‘yon sabihin?” reklamo niya kaya tinawanan lang siya ng papa niya.

“I guess we are the same, Rei,” I said, teasing him so he wouldn’t sulk anymore.

Namula naman siya sa sinabi ko. “Tumigil ka nga! Ang landi mo naman,” he mumbled and pinched my arm. I grinned.

“Nilalanggam kami dito,” his parents teased us, so we laughed. “Anyways, let’s go shopping after this,” Tito Kai said and munched his food like Rei.

They have similarities. Manang-mana sa papa.

Nang matapos na kami ay ako na dapat ang magbabayad kaso nag-insist si Tito Marcus.

“Dad, sa Ayala tayo pumunta. Sonny Angels, ang cute naman,” I heard Tito Kai say.

Napakamot nalang sa ulo si Tito Marcus at wala nang nagawa. Napansin kong bitbit ni Conan yung tote bag niya na maraming laman, pero di ko alam kung ano ‘yon.

“Ako na magbibitbit niyan,” sabi ko sa kanya pero hinawi niya ang kamay ko. “Ako na, kaya ko. Di naman mabigat eh,” he said and avoided my gaze.

Hindi ko nalang pinilit dahil baka masira ang mood niya. Pinagbuksan ko nalang siya ng pintuan.

“Your seatbelt, Rei,” I reminded him dahil nakakalimot siya minsan.

“Sa condo mo nalang ako matutulog,” sabi niya at tumango lang ako. Ilang araw ko din siyang hindi nakasama. I missed him so much.

I wonder if he does too.

Nang makarating kami sa Ayala, pumunta muna kami sa Pandora. Rei wants to buy perfume. Habang pumipili siya, pumunta muna ako sa mga bracelets at charms nila.

May nakita akong charms na kulay red and also a blue one too. I decided to buy them.

I’ll give this to him tonight.

Ako na ang nagbayad ng perfume na napili niya. Umikot-ikot muna kami sa loob ng mall. Si Tito Marcus ay puro mga paper bag ang hawak.

He’s spoiling his husband. Halata naman na masaya si Tito Marcus na na-spoil niya si Tito Kai. He is happy when Tito Kai is happy.

Nang matapos kami sa mall, nagpaalam na kami sa isa’t isa.

“Take care of Conan. Ingat ka sa pag-drive,” Tito Marcus said and tapped my shoulder.

“Kayo rin po, ingat po kayo,” I replied.

“Bye, Babi. Bye, Papa,” Conan said and bid his goodbyes to them.

Nang makaalis ang sasakyan nila, inaya ko na siyang umuwi sa condo niya.

“Maliligo muna ako, wait for me,” he said and made his way to the bathroom. I didn’t mind at all. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat on the island chair.

Siguro ilang minuto rin akong naghintay bago siya bumalik. He’s wearing short shorts and a loose shirt.

He looks beautiful. Nakatalikod siya sa akin dahil may ginagawa siya sa may lababo, washing some mugs.

I made my way to him and hugged his back. He was startled at first, but soon, he became complacent. I put my chin on his shoulder and hugged his waist.

I could feel his warm body because his shirt is thin. I’m topless and just wearing pajama pants.

I buried my face in his neck, inhaling his vanilla scent mixed with rose. He smelled nice.

“It tickles, Shan,” he said, giggling.

“Stop that first. Ako na ang tatapos niyan mamaya,” I said. I grabbed his hands and washed them.

I picked him up and brought him to the counter, then put him down. I noticed na tumaas ang shorts niya, giving me a nice view. I looked at it for a second and pulled it down a little.

I put my two hands on either side of him, locking him in both of my arms.

He was playing with my gold Bvlgari necklace.

“You look good tonight,” he whispered and caressed my hair. “And I think you’d look good in long hair, Shanti,” he said in his soft voice and smiled.

I think I have a reason now not to cut my hair.

“I always cut my hair because I don’t want to keep any memories with someone. I think it’s not worth it. I used to do this since I was a kid,” I said, looking at him.

“What’s the reason, Shan?” he asked worriedly and cupped my face.

“My father
…” I whispered and bowed my head a little.

“He never made time for me. He never remembered my birthday. It’s always Mom and Ate Aya who greets me,” I added, feeling a bit sad. Di na ako nasanay.

He cupped my face again, and I looked at him with teary eyes.

I hugged him so tight and cried in his chest. He hugged me back and let me cry in his embrace as much as I wanted.

Nang matapos ang iyakan session ko, tiningnan ko siya at nagpunas ng luha.

“Thank you, Rei, for always being here with me,” I said. Tinanguan niya lang ako at nginitian.

There it was again-the excitement that made me want to kiss him.

Well, I did. I kissed his cheeks multiple times, pero paulit-ulit niya lang akong tinutulak.

“Stop it, Shan! Arghhh,” reklamo niya at pilit akong tinutulak.

“Ikaw nalang i-kiss ko sa pisngi, wag ako,” sabi niya, kaya tumigil ako.

I straightened my back and looked at him. I raised my pointy finger and put my cheek in front of him, puffing it up. I heard him sigh.

He kissed me for a second, but I was still not satisfied. I still brought it closer to him, and he kissed me multiple times. But still, I wasn’t satisfied.

“I shouldn’t have agreed to you, ang gahaman mo eh, ” he complained and hit me on the chest.

“I didn’t like the last ono, so give me more. Gusto ko yung matagal.” I requested.

I thought he wouldn’t do it, but he did. It only lasted for 5 seconds, but that’s fine.

I guess I won.

26

DOLCE

Lumayo ako sa kanya at may kinuha sa ilalim ng mesa, bumalik ako sa harapan niya.

I gave him the Pandora paper bag. “What is this?” he asked.
“See for yourself,” sagot ko.

When he opened it, he took out the two boxes na naglalaman ng dalawang charm bracelet.

He was shocked when he opened it. His eyes were shining with happiness.

Kinuha ko ‘yon sa kanya. “Gusto ko couple tayo,” mahina kong sabi at kinuha ang palapulsuhan niya.

Napatingin naman siya sa akin. “Grabe, di pa nga tayo mag-jowa, gusto mo kaagad couple na tayo,” he said, giving me a side-eye.

Ako na ang naglagay ng red charm sa kanya, at siya naman ang naglagay nung sa akin. “Di ba bagay?” tanong ko.

Surprisingly, he smiled in response. “Matagal ko nang gustong bumili nito pero I don’t really have time,” he said, hinaplos ang charm sa kanyang mga daliri.

“I really wanted to buy this for you kasi you remind me of red. You love dark red a lot, so nung nakita ko ito, binili ko talaga,” I explained and let our hands intertwine together.

He blushed when I told him that. “Akala ko hindi mo naalala,” he mumbled, but I still heard it.

“It’s not that hard to remember your favorite things, Rei. Besides, I really want to get to know you better so I can learn what you like and dislike,” sabi ko, tumatawa.

“Gosh, you’re so sweet,” he said softly and pinched my nose. “Baka langgamin tayo dito,” biro niya sa akin.

I raised my hand and explored his face with my own hands. It was so soft, as if it was melting in my hand. So beautiful.

Hinawakan niya ang pulso ko gamit ang isa niyang kamay na naging dahilan para tumigil ako at tumingin sa kanya sa mata.

“I have a question. When you first knew that I am gay, did it ever disgust you?” he asked shyly, bowing his head a little.

I raised my eyebrow in confusion. “Why did you ask?” tanong ko. He sighed.

“Because before, you were a womanizer, Shan, and a straight guy na never papatol sa lalaki,” he whispered, but there was still sadness in his voice.

“Hindi naman porket babaero ako ay di na ako pwedeng magbago. But before, nung nalaman kong may gusto ka sa mga lalaki, it wasn’t a surprise at all. Alam ko na rin naman base sa how you act, pero di naman ibig-sabihin nun ay pinangungunahan ko na kung ano ang gender mo. That’s based on my observation only,” I explained, and he looked at me.

He bit his lips in front of me, indicating that he was shy.
“Don’t be shy. I’m ready to answer all your questions naman. I’m open for that.”

“Well, what do you think about LGBTQ+?” he asked suddenly. I collected all my courage to answer that.

I sat in front of him while he was still at the counter.

“They are masterpieces, Rei, because they have the courage to open themselves to the world, showing that no matter what gender you are, you are still human. Hindi ka iba dahil bakla ka, tomboy ka, transgender ka, o kung ano ka. You are still a human who wants to be you, the real you, and not hiding in shadows that you don’t really want to be in,” I explained, looking directly into his eyes. He was just listening to me.

“I know some people are still struggling to come out, but it’s okay because they can take as much time as they need to prepare themselves. Atsaka, okay lang kung maging sino ka,” I added.

“They made me realize that love has no boundaries. You can love whoever you want because love is for everyone. Kaya siguro ang pagmamahal ay siyang nagpapa-martyr sa isang tao,” I said, sounding sad.

The things I said were all true because they came from my heart.

Kung ang pagiging bakla ay salot sa lipunan, mas lalong salot ang mga taong walang ambag sa lipunan.

I held both of Rei’s hands, feeling their warmth in mine.

“Rei, okay lang na maging totoong ikaw kapag kasama mo ako. You can trust me. Okay lang magkwento sa akin, Rei, kung may problema ka dahil andito naman ako para makinig sa’yo. Kung ngayon hindi ko pa alam ang totoong sagot sa mga katanungan ko, hayaan mo, aalamin ko para sa’yo,” I said sincerely, squeezing his hands.

“So, okay lang sungitan kita?” tanong niya. Tinanguan ko siya.

“Oo, pero huwag malala. Ayaw ko na natitiis mo ako kasi di kita matitiis,” biro ko.

“Sus, natitiis mo nga akong di kausapin,” reklamo niya at tinanggal ang kamay niya sa pagkakahawak ko.

Ang totoo, natitiis ko talagang di siya kausapin, pero siguro last na ‘yung ilang araw.

Babaguhin ko para sa kanya ang mga ginagawa ko na ayaw niya, dahil gusto kong magbago, hindi lang para sa kanya kundi para rin sa akin.

“Hayaan mo, babaguhin para sa’yo, Rei. Promise,” sabi ko sa kanya. He looked at me for a second and raised his pinky finger.

“Promise?” he said and gestured for me to raise my pinky finger.

“Promise,” I said, smiling, and let our pinky fingers intertwine together.

“Mamatay man?” tanong niya. Tinanguan ko siya.
“Ngayon man?” sunod niyang tanong. Tinanguan ko ulit siya.

“Walang bawian, ha. Ayaw ko na napapako ang pangako,” he said, pouting.
“Opo, prinsipe ko,” I pinched his pink nose.

“I-cringe mo talaga. Ganyan ba talaga mga in love? Nagiging cringe at corny na,” he rolled his eyes and avoided my gaze.

“Sus, larang, di ka ganyan,” ani ko at pinanliitan siya ng mata.
“Sino bang nauna sa atin, ha, prinsipe?” he sarcastically said.

I pointed at myself. “Like I thought,” he said, sinusungitan na ako. Mas maganda aminin, gumaganda kapag sinusungitan ako, eh.

“Let’s go to bed,” I said and lifted him up para ibaba siya sa counter. Napansin kong binaba niya ang shorts niya.

Nahuli niya siguro akong nakatingin kaya tinanong niya ako, “Are you uncomfortable with me wearing this?” he asked worriedly, siguro iniisip niyang naiilang ako sa kanya.

“Of course not. You can wear whatever you want, and you are so beautiful,” dagdag ko pa. His cheeks heat up because of what I said and hit me on the chest.

“Che! Bolero. Tapusin mo na nga ‘tong hinuhugasan ko. Sumunod ka na pagkatapos mo diyan,” sigaw niya nung makalabas na siya sa kusina.

A smile made its way to my lips. Cute na, maganda pa.

When I opened the door of his room, I decided to put on my sando dahil malamig sa kwarto. Ayaw niya talagang natutulog ako nang topless dahil baka raw kabagin ako.

I made my way to the bed. Both of the lamps were still on, and he was still watching some dog videos.

I saw Sunny lying beside him, nakayakap pa ito sa kanya. Tangina, pati ba naman aso, pagseselosan mo, Abelano? Kainis, amputa.

Naramdaman niya ako kaya napalingon siya. “Tapos ka na?” tanong niya, kaya tumango ako.

I hugged him from his back. Halos isiksik ko na ang sarili ko sa kanya. I really like his scent.

Shet, sana all aso, Abelano.

“You and Tito Kai have similarities,” I said out of the blue.
“Parang di naman,” aniya at nag-scroll sa cellphone niya.

“Nga pala, Shan, we should go to my province. Ine-expect ka nila Papa at Babi, so you should go,” he said, reminding me. “Hmm,” I responded and hugged him tighter.

“Give me a goodnight kiss,” I requested. I closed my eyes and let my cheeks expose in front of him.

“Ayaw ako,” sabi niya sa sinabi ko. “Bakit?” tanong ko. “Masyado ka nang abusado, Shan,” aniya at pinababa si Sunny para doon matulog sa higaan.

“Okay, if you don’t want to, I’ll give you a goodnight kiss on the cheeks.”

I did it for a second and hugged him again, burying my face on his back.

“Gahaman talaga. Kainis.”

27

DOLCE

“Abel! Here!” Radio shouted in the crowd, catching my attention. I came towards them, holding Rei’s hand.

“Shot ka na, nagre-ready na sila Chico sa backstage,” Radio said, handing me a chaser. I let Rei sit down first before I did.

“Yosi, gusto mo?” alok ni Cisco kay Rei, kaso inilingan niya lang ito.

“Nu’bayan, Conan, pati ba naman sa pagy-yosi may favoritism,” rinig kong reklamo ni Cisco habang nilalagok ko ang alak.

Hunhagod ‘yon sa lalamunan ko, ang init. Tumabi ako kay Rei, placing my arm on his back.

“Is this your first time hearing Chico sing?” I asked. He shook his head.

“Matagal ko na siyang naririnig kumanta, he likes singing when I was a kid, kapag siya ang magbabantay sa akin,” kwento niya kaya napatango ako.

Ang swerte naman ng tarantadong Chico na ‘yon, nagawa pang kantahan si Conan.

“Nakabusangot ka na naman, mag-smile ka nga, baka akalain nila mandurugas ka dito,” sabi niya sa akin habang inaayos ang nakakunot kong noo.

When his eyes drifted somewhere else, I had time to look at his side profile. His pointed nose, the natural blush on his face, his long eyelashes.

I was brought back to reality when I heard Cisco’s voice. “Titig na titig, baka malusaw ‘yan ah,” he teased.

“Shut up, Kano,” pagalit kong sabi, sabay dedma sa kanya. Tinawanan niya lang ako.

When Syd and Exis arrived at the table, kuha kaagad sila ng baso.
“Usog ka nga muna, dito kasi uupo si Syd,” I was startled by what he said.

Kinunutan ko siya ng kilay.

“Wag mo akong tingnan nang ganyan, aahitin ko ‘yang kilay mo. Umusog ka na don,” aniya sabay tapik sa akin.

I let Syd sit beside him. Di ko marinig ‘yung mga pinagbubulungan nila. It seems so important. Bakit ba kailangan pang magbulungan?

I was just sitting silently, minding my own business, sometimes laughing with Dio and Exis, habang busy si Centi sa ka-chat niya.

I saw a shadow in front of me—it was a girl ni hindi ko nga ito kilala. “Hello, you are Abel, right?” she asked. I nodded.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Lara. Do you remember me ba? We met sa Katipunan last time,” she said happily.

She extended her hand to me. I just looked at it and didn’t mind it, sipping my drink. She must have been embarrassed when I didn’t accept it, kaya kinuha niya ang kamay niya.

“I don’t think I remember you. Makakalimutin na talaga ako,” I reasoned, even though the truth is that I don’t really remember her.

“Oh, alis na siguro ako, my friends are calling me,” she said and turned her back on me.

“Ganda nun ah,” Centi said while pouring liquor into his glass.

“Edi sundan mo,” I sarcastically said.

When
The Dandelions
entered the stage, people around us were all shouting, screaming at the top of their lungs.

Si River ang main vocalista nila at si Chico, bass guitar at sub-vocalist.

“Na-miss namin kayo!” River shouted in his accent. Englishero kasi, laking ibang bansa.

“Since
The Dandelions are
back on stage, syempre may request song na kakantahin namin,” Chico said, smiling at the crowd.

The crowd went wild when he said that. Crush na crush talaga si Chico ng bayan.

Siya lang talaga ang matino sa amin—never nakipagrelasyon sa iba. Nagbibiro lang siya minsan na may kahookup siya pero di naman niya totohanin. Magugunaw siguro ang mundo kung mangyari ‘yon.

“Special request for someone na kaibigan lang daw,” Chico reads, and the crowd just seems to be sad in a joking way.

“Sana all tropa lang. Ako rin eh!” I heard someone shout. We chuckled.

“‘Balang Araw’ by I Belong to the Zoo,” River reads. I think I know who requested this.

“I’ll let you sing this, Chico,” River said, giving the center stage to Chico.

“Sa anonymous na ‘yan at sa mga taong hanggang kaibigan lang, para sa inyo ‘to,” he said.

“Parang tangang,” he sang, starting to strum the guitar.

“Kausap ang tala at buwan. Naghihintay ng mayroon sa gitna ng kawalan.” He closed his eyes, feeling the song.

“Natutong lumipad kahit pagod at sugatan. Pag-ahon ko sa lupa’y iiwanan lang naman,” he added, singing.

“Walang nag-iba, talo na naman tayo. Gano’n talaga. Nadala na lang sa puro pangako,” when Chico sang that, I looked at Syd staring at Radio, pero si Radio sa iba nakatingin.

Nang matapos ang kanta, may sinabi pa si Chico sa dulo. He looked at Syd, not too obviously.

“‘Pag kaibigan lang kasi, kaibigan lang,” Chico said.

He looked at the crowd. “Gusto niyo pa ba?” he asked. The crowd shouted.

Siguro ay nakailang kanta rin sila bago matapos ang final song nila. I’m the one who will sing the last song.

“I know you guys have been waiting for the special guest, right, Chico?” River said. The crowd shouted, pleading for them to reveal the guest.

“You guys already know this man—he used to be a womanizer pero ngayon, lover boy na!” The crowd seemed confused by what they said.

“Anyway, please welcome to the stage, Abelano Shanti!” River announced.

I stood up, looking at Rei, who was visibly shocked but clapped his hands anyway. When I got to the stage, I sat on the stool chair, and they handed me an acoustic guitar.

“Mic test, mic test,” ani ko.

“Ang kakantahin ko is for someone special to me, who made me happy in a way I couldn’t explain. Hey, if you’re listening right now, I hope you like this song. This is my gift for you,” I said, looking directly at Rei, who was now standing in front of the stage.

“Remember when we first met?
You said, ‘Light my cigarette,’” I sang, my eyes glued to him.

He stood there, admiring me with his shiny eyes again.

“So I lied to my mom and dad,
I jumped the fence and I ran.
But we couldn’t go very far…”

I played the strings with my fingers, the melody syncing with the memory of when I forgot my cigarettes inside the bar.

”’
Cause you locked your keys in your car. So you sat and stared at my lips

And I could already feel your kiss.”

The crowd seemed mesmerized, but all I could see was Rei.

“Long nights, daydreams, sugar and smoke rings, I’ve been a fool.

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you.

“Headlights on me, racing to 60.

I’ve been a fool. But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like…”

I could feel every word echo in my chest. The emotions I poured into the song were undeniable.

“Blue eyes, black jeans, lighters and candy, I’ve been a fool.

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you…”

When the song ended, I stood up and bowed my head to thank the audience. I bid my goodbye and walked down the stage.

Lumapit ako kung saan nakatayo si Rei at niyakap siya doon. The people around us didn’t seem to care. I was glad they didn’t care.

I hugged him tightly. That was the first song I sang live, just for someone special to me. The feeling of happiness rushed down my spine, and my smile grew wider when he complimented me.

“Akala ko sa ibang babae mo eh,” he teased.

“Sino nagsabi niyan sa’yo?” tanong ko.

He didn’t answer, but I knew it was the girl I was talking to earlier.

“Nagseselos ka ba?” I asked, letting go of him slightly.

“Tingin mo?” he asked sassily. He was definitely jealous; his glare alone felt like it could kill me.

“Don’t be jealous. Tinanong niya lang ang address ng bahay ni Cisco,” I explained.

“Abelano, kahit bata, di maniniwala sa katwiran mong ’yan,” he said, crossing his arms.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Abelano?

“Totoo nga, you can ask Cisco,” I insisted.

“Pasalamat ka, nakachamba ka ngayon. Mag-aaway talaga tayo,” panimula niya.

Siya lang naman ’tong inaaway ako, eh. Well, I still like it. Mas gusto ko na nakikita ang totoo niyang ugali.

28

DOLCE

It’s been two days since the last time we saw each other. Okay naman kami, but still, I miss him a little louder. Siguro kasi I’ll have a bad day just because of the dinner tonight.

I hope he’s here. Ayaw ko naman siyang tawagan dahil nagpapahinga siya. Ano ako, paimportante?

“You ready?” I was startled a bit by Ate’s voice. “Kumalma ka, I’m here naman. Don’t worry,” she assured and tapped my back.

She smiled, which made my mind at ease. Siguro nga ganito talaga yung feeling na alam mo na yung mangyayari kapag ganito na sitwasyon.

When we arrived at the house, dalawang kotse ang nakaparada. I think this is from my grandparents’ car.

Nang sinalubong kami ni Mama at Mommy, niyakap kami nito. I know how my mom feels at this moment.

She is happy yet sad for something we all don’t know, but Mom is still smiling.

“Let’s go na, mga anak, the food is waiting,” she said and circled her hand on my left arm.

As I expected, my cousins were there also, running around the table again. Di naman mawawala ang Ate ni Mommy.

We both met each other’s gaze. Ang mataray niyang mata ay nakapukol sa akin, na animo’y galit na galit siya sa akin.

But I wasn’t intimidated. She should be the one. I know that she is my aunt because she is my mom’s sister, and I need to respect her. But her being the one who ruined my family will never get the respect she deserves from me.

I grew up blaming myself because of her.

When we sat down on the chair and started to eat, the atmosphere was really heavy. I could only hear the plates and utensils scratching together.

“Louie, sa sala muna kayo kumain ng mga pinsan mo,” Mamita ordered them. Sumunod naman yung iba naming pinsan.

When they were all gone, Mamita started speaking.

“So it’s true,” she started. Alexandra and Dad both were startled by what she said. They looked up at her.

“What do you mean, Ma?” Dad asked. Confusion was all visible on his face, just like Alexandra’s.

“Wag ka magmaang-maangan, iho. I know the truth—that Alexandra is your mistress,” she retorted. Magsasalita pa sana si Dad nang segundahan ‘yon ni Mama.

“Wala ka na bang hiya diyan sa katawan mo? At nagawa mo pang mangangabit? You did this the last time, and now you did it again?” she asked na may diin sa boses.

“At ikaw, Alexandra, how could you do this to your sister?” she asked, really disappointed.

“Why would you tell me that, Mom? Pake ko ba sa kanya?” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Mga kabit talaga ang tatapang,” I mumbled. She glanced at me.

“What did you say?” she said, raising her eyebrow. I hit my utensils on my plate.

“Sabi ko, mga kabit talaga ang tatapang,” I repeated. Pumunta siya sa akin at tsaka ako sinampal, just like how I expected.

Napahawak ako sa panga ko. The slap was hard enough to make it red.

When a slap was heard from the kitchen, my mom stood up, slapping her across the face.

“Who do you think you are to slap my son?” she said. “Don’t hit my son. Nasa pamamahay kita, kabit ka lang,” Mom said, pointing her finger at her.

She scoffed, clicking her tongue in annoyance. “What?” she chuckled sarcastically.

“Ako,” pointing to herself, “kabit?”

“Hindi ako—” my mom cut her off by speaking.

“Kabit? Kerida? Kalaguyo? Third party? I know he is my husband. Wag mo na sayangin ang oras mo,” my mom muttered realistically, sending her away from her fantasies.

“How could you do this to me? I’m your sister, the one who never leaves you behind. The one who always hides your secrets. You are the one I always trust the most,” she said as tears welled up in her eyes.

I put both of my hands on my mom’s arms, caressing them softly. My dad stood up from his seat and went in front of Mom and Alexandra.

“Don’t talk to her like that,” he shouted, making Mom startled a bit. What the fuck.

My fist came in front of his face, giving him one punch on his jaw. My dad stumbled as he touched his jaw.

“Mom is done putting up with your behavior. I should have tried to convince Mommy to divorce you. But you know why I didn’t? Because Mom loves you, so we couldn’t do anything,” I said, facing him. We stared at each other intently.

His eyes were raging with anger, while mine were full of nothing but disappointment towards him.

“How could you do this to me? I am your father,” madiin niyang sabi.

“Di ka naman nagpakatatay,” I said, staring at him. That’s when he realized what I just said. He raised his fist, ready to punch me.

“Go ahead, Dad. Hit me like you always do,” I said in a low voice.

“Anong hindi nagpakakatatay? Binigay ko lahat ng luho ninyo. Pinakain kayo. I gave you a home, clothes, anything that you wanted. Isn’t that enough? Di na ba ako nagpakakatatay?” he said, his jaw tightening as veins showed on his neck.

“What a strange thing to say, right, Dad?” I scoffed. “Bakit, Dad? Do you think ginusto namin na gawin mo ‘yon para sa amin? Naganak ka, Dad. That’s why it’s your obligation. We are your responsibility. It’s normal for parents to provide the things their children need. You were not there when we needed you. You were not physically and emotionally present, Dad. Is that a good provider?” I said, all emotions visible in myself.

Remembering my childhood, it wasn’t good or bad at all. We needed him, yet he wasn’t there for us.

Dad was my idol, my superhero. Some kids say their dads are their superheroes. Lucky, I guess? Dad isn’t a perfect dad, so I wasn’t a perfect son.

Like father, like son.

I understand because he had work, but as I watched him, he never paid attention to me, always arguing with my mom. Sometimes I heard them talking about me for something I didn’t even understand.

As I grew up, I blamed myself because of Dad. I always thought that when I was born, he started to get distant from Mom.

Maybe he regrets it.

But realizing that Dad wasn’t contented because he was always looking for a better person.

Mom is enough. Mom is better. Nawalan lang ng tornilyo ang utak niya. Wala siyang kakuntentuhan sa mga bagay-bagay. The things he was looking for in Mom weren’t there.

The things that Mom cannot fulfill, he looks for in another woman.

Ganun ba talaga ang mga lalaki? Is that a definition of men?

I needed him to teach me how to act like a real man, but he himself wasn’t a real man, though.

Is this why some women hate men—because of how they think, act, and make decisions, what their mindset is, and their lack of emotional intelligence?

Nothing disappoints me more than men, just like Dad. But what really hurts for me is…

“Sana di na lang kita naging anak,” he said as he stepped back. It felt like a knife stabbing countless times. I was too stunned to speak. I didn’t even react. I think this is the normal feeling when your parents say those words.

Different emotions stirred inside me. My heart shattered into pieces. I couldn’t cry or react. All I could say was,

“I never wanted you to be my dad as well.” As I said that, I walked away, not feeling anything but emptiness.

They were calling me, but I didn’t turn around, because I just didn’t want to.

When I got to the living room, my cousins were there, just listening to what we were talking about at the dining table.

“Kuya Abel, aalis ka na?” Ryan asked, tugging my shirt. I nodded and walked away.

When I stepped out of the house, I looked back, staring at it. My first memories that I didn’t want to remember were here.

I’ll never come back to this house. This house was a curse.

When I got into the car, I didn’t think of where I was going until I realized I was at the building where Conan lives.

I called him. Gusto ko siyang makasama ngayong gabi. Siya lang ang gusto kong makasama at makausap.

I knew he was the first person that could understand me.

“Shan,” he said on the other line. His voice was soft. It could melt you.

“I’m here in front of the building of your condo,” I responded and hung up the phone.

Sumandal ako sa kotse ko, staring into the void, when I heard footsteps. I looked up and saw him wearing a sando with a jacket.

I straightened my back. “Rei…” I called softly.

”
You came…”
I was staring at him intently. His hair was scattered around his forehead.

So beautiful.

”
You called…”
he stated, walking towards me.

29

DOLCE.

When I saw him walking towards me, a sudden move I don’t even know I did. I just came towards him and hugged him as if he will be gone forever.

The tears I was holding made their way down to my cheeks. The thoughts of me vanished just because of this simple hug coming from him.

“Rei…” I sobbed, I even choked on my own words. We stayed like that for about 5 minutes until I stopped crying.

He held both my arms so he could see me. I let go of him and stared into his eyes, looking at me worriedly.

“What happened?” he asked. I didn’t answer him. Instead, I held his hand at pinasakay siya sa kotse ko.

We were silent while driving. I could see him looking at me from my peripheral vision. Maybe because he wanted to ask me what was going on.

“I’ll tell you later,” ani ko so he would stop thinking about it. He nodded and just sat comfortably.

When we stopped on the side of the road, where there was a view of the sea, I opened the door for him. He just followed until we arrived at the seashore.

Tinanggal niya ang tsinelas niya at inupuan ‘yon. As the breeze hit both of our skin, the waves were the only thing you could hear.

My head made its way down to his shoulder. I closed my eyes just to calm myself down before I spoke.

“What happened?” he asked.

“I thought I was strong enough to face my dad when this time came, but I wasn’t strong and ready for it. I didn’t expect that it would turn out like this,” I started.

“He is my role model because he is a well-known man. I wanted to be like him in the future. It was my dream when I was a kid, but it was all shattered by him. I took all the blame because when I was born, he got distant from mom. He forgot every birthday I had. It hurt like hell when all your wish was for your dad to come home and greet you, but instead, you were left alone on the staircase waiting for him to come,” I said as tears welled up in my eyes, remembering my childhood.

“But I realized that maybe my dad doesn’t really love me. He wasn’t there when I needed him the most. But you know what? I got used to it and started to hate him. He found a woman who could satisfy him. He never cared about what mom would feel when she found out about it. But I can’t blame mom for loving a cheater. I knew that mom wanted me and Ate to grow up with a family. But no, we already knew from the start that we were not complete anymore,” I said, sobbing hard.

I don’t know if he still understands what I am saying right now. “But nothing hurts more than when your father says that he never wished to have you as his child. It’s kind of torture,” I said.

I thought people didn’t mean things like this, but I knew when a person is mad, they tend to say true things that will hurt you.

“I’m disappointed but not surprised, Rei,” I whispered. He put his hand on my arm, caressing it as I broke down again.

“He cheated on mom, which I can do too because I am his son. Like father, like son. Maybe that’s why I am scared to have a partner because what if I do that to them,” I said.

I lifted my head and faced him.

He started to talk. “Don’t say that, Shan. Cheating is a choice. Your dad decided to cheat because he wanted to. It’s not because of your mom or you. And don’t compare yourself to your dad because you are both different people,” he explained, assuring me.

“Hindi namamana ang cheating, di ‘yon pinapasa sa anak dahil choice ‘yon ng isang tao. And I know you wouldn’t do that,” he added.

“Rei, kaya siguro di ko pa rin nahahanap ang sagot sa mga tanong ko dahil natatakot ako na baka kapag tinanggap ko sa sarili ko na mahal kita at naging tayo, baka gawin ko rin ang ginawa ni daddy kay mom. I don’t want to hurt you just because of me. I’d rather vanish from your life than hurt you,” I said, looking at him while holding his hand.

I lowered my head, thinking that it might happen.

He cupped my face so I could face him. When I stared into his eyes, they were shining again.

“Okay lang dahil pinasok ko ito at pinili kong mahalin ka. Kung ganoon ang mangyayari, tatanggapin ko,” ani niya. “Kung sasaktan mo man ako, make it worse to the point that I’ll rather wish you dead than get back to you,” he explained, his eyes full of determination.

I realized that I was caged by my past to the point that I was refraining from loving someone I really like because of the trauma I have.

Why do we have to take the responsibility of the person who caused our trauma?

As I stared into his eyes, I remembered all the things he did for me—the paintings he painted just for me, the things he did just to make me happy.

But what really mattered to me was that when I needed him the most, he was there. He was the first person who understood and loved me for who I am.

He understood my past, my mistakes, my flaws—everything that described me. He understood.

He was the first person who told me that I am different from my dad and that it was okay to cry. It doesn’t make you a weak person.

“Shan, forget all the things that make you sad. Forget all the things that hurt you the most. Siguro ngayon ay hindi madali, pero it will make you a better person. Forgive yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the things you didn’t do. Try to do things that make you happy. Don’t refrain yourself from doing the things that make you feel better. Create memorable memories, but start it with yourself and the people you love. Forget the past and focus on the current situation you are in. Kapag iniisip mo kung bakit ka nandito at kung bakit nangyayari sa’yo ito, remember everything happens for a reason,” he explained and hugged me.

“Maging masaya ka, hindi dahil gusto ng iba. Maging masaya ka dahil kagustuhan mo ‘yon. Magbago ka, hindi dahil kailangan mo kundi dahil kagustuhan mo. Magmahal ka ng hindi mo pinipilit ang sarili mong itago ‘yon dahil kung minsan, kapag pinipigilan mo, kusa na lang mawawala hanggang sa pagsisihan mo sa dulo na sinayang mo ang pagkakataon,” he explained.

“Shan, stop caring about what people will say about you. Just be you, at okay lang ‘yon. Kapag nag-iisa ka, Shan, hayaan mo na samahan kita. Kung maglalakbay ka, isama mo ako,” he said as I looked at him.

As tears welled up in his eyes, I hated seeing him cry.

“If you are going to open a new chapter of your life… Pwede bang isama mo ako?” he asked, hope visible on his face.

The words he said made my heart go crazy. Tsaka lang naman nagbukas ang kwento ko nung nakilala ko siya.

His words made me realize so many things na dapat matagal ko nang na-realize.

But nothing matters more than realizing that the person in front of you is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

He is the person I want to love, the one I want to look at every morning when I wake up, at hindi ako magsasawa.

At first, I thought the world was cruel to me because I was a bad person. But I realized it wasn’t when he arrived in my life.

I realized that I was lucky because I met him at the lowest point of my life.

For him, I’ll reach the moon and stars. For him, I would. I’ll love him even when he thinks he is unlovable.

30

DOLCE
.

“Papangit niyo,” bitter na pagkakasabi ni Cisco nang makita niya kami.

“Dapat talaga sa mga nagmamahal diyan tinutuhog,” dagdag niya.

I chuckled because of his childishness. Wala talagang pinagbago ang mokong na ‘to.

“I told you, bro, si Paola na lang kasi, since she is your type,” Centi said, laughing while putting his arm around Cisco’s shoulder.

“Ikaw na lang shomota doon, tutal wala kang tigil kakabanggit sa pangalan niya,” he retorted, a little bit frustrated.

“Tumigil na nga kayo. At saka anong shomota? Pangkalye talaga ‘yang lumalabas sa bunganga mo, Cisco. Kunti na lang, sa kalsada ka na tumira,” singit ni Syd at lumapit kay Rei.

“You know what, Syd, you are like my mom, putak nang putak. Ang aga-aga,” Centi exclaimed.

“Hey, be happy nga na pumuputak ‘yan kesa nananahimik ‘yan,” Cisco defended.

Kahit ako rin ayaw ko na hindi pumuputak si Syd. He is like a fucking nonchalant kapag may nangyayaring di maganda, which made us so worried about him.

I was just laughing at their silliness. Kalalaking tao pero mga utak pambata.

It’s been days since that day. Marami namang nagbago. We opened a new chapter, but still, I know the past I have is still here with me.

I’m still moving on. I cannot forgive that easily. Maybe someday I will.

As my thoughts got further, Rei spoke, “Okay ka lang?” he asked. I nodded.

“Tara na, ihahatid na kita,” ani ko sa kanya.

Nauna siyang naglakad sa akin. He stopped in his tracks, and he extended his hand behind his back, gesturing me to hold it.

A sudden feeling of happiness. My eyes lit up, knowing it’s okay for him to hold my hand like this in public.

While we were walking, di ko rin naman maiwasang tingnan ang kamay naming dalawa. My hands are big, pero sa kanya ay di gaano.

Someone shouted my name when we arrived in front of Rei’s building. Parehas kaming napalingon ni Rei.

“Hey, Abel,” the girl said. Cheska ang name nasa pin niya nakalagay.

“Are you free tonight? Can we hang ou–,” Cheska was interrupted when Rei responded.

Sila Cisco at Centi nakatingin lang sa amin na natatawa pa, na para bang alam na nila ang mangyayari.

“Hindi pwede,” sagot niya at pumunta sa harapan ko at hinarap ‘yung babae. “Better be go na lang, like what I said, he isn’t free,” he added, making himself clear.

The girl scoffed, crossing her arms, irritated by Rei. “Bakit sinabi niya ba sa’yo na di siya pwede?” She raised her eyebrow.

Rei looked at me, glaring. What did I do? “Hoy, ano, free ka daw?” he asked, raising his eyebrow also.

I shook my head in response. Kahit naman pumayag si Rei, di rin naman ako papayag. Popormahan ko pa ‘to, kailangan magpalakas.

“He said he isn’t free,” he responded, looking at her again. Her eyes made their way to our hands intertwined together. Shocked was all written on her face.

She didn’t say anything; instead, she walked away, full of questions. Cisco and Centi came towards us, grinning from ear to ear.

“Dami mo kasing babae, bro, kaya first impression sa’yo babaero,” Centi laughed. Akala mo hindi siya ganun. What a hypocrite.

“Aalis na ako. ‘Yang tropa niyo ha,” Rei said and bid his goodbye. Nang mawala siya sa paningin namin, inakbayan ako ni Cisco.

“Wala na, bro, binabakuran ka na eh. ‘Yung dapat ikaw mambabakod, pero siya gumawa para sa’yo,” Cisco said. Napaisip din ako.

As we went back to the grounds malapit sa court, we saw Percival fixing his motorcycle. Grabe, gaganda talaga ng mga motor nitong si Percival.

“He needs help,” Cisco said when he saw him.

“Oh, bakit di mo tulungan? ‘Wag ka puro salita; dapat idaan mo sa gawa,” Centi replied. Cisco and I looked at each other. I face-palmed, thinking what he just said.

“Tangina mo, bro. ‘Yon lang sinabi ko, pero ang dami mong sinabi,” Cisco said, tapping Chico’s shoulder.

Percival saw us. He stood up, walking towards us. Tangina, his body and tattoos still amaze me for real. Kung magpatattoo rin kaya ako.

He has a tattoo shop, business niya. Sa kanya kaya ako magpatattoo? A-angas eh.

“Hey, four eyes,” he greeted Centi na hindi man lang kami pinansin.

“Si Centi pinapansin, pero kami hindi? So parang display lang kami dito?” Cisco dramatically said.

“Hoy, pansinin mo nga ‘to. Ingay, daming alam,” Centi said and rolled his eyes.

“So nosy,” Percival said, putting his hand on top of Centi’s head and messing his hair.

“Ano ba ‘yan? Bakla ka ba?” Centi replied irritably and walked away. Nagsusungit na naman.

I know that Percival is just joking around, but who knows, maybe it’s real.

“Aalis na ako, guys. May class pa ako. See you na lang sa condo mo,” Cisco said and walked away, halatang nagmamadali.

Napaisip tuloy ako kung gusto ko bang magpatattoo. I want to have a tattoo of a scorpion on my right belly and my collarbone, I think.

“Hey, Percival,” I called his name. “I want to have an appointment with you,” I said.

“Sure, I’ll give you a discount since you are friends with Centi,” he said and got his attention back to what he was doing.

I was busy with my studies, lalo na at med student talaga. I’m having breakfast with Rei dito kasi ako natulog sa condo niya.

“Shan, since you are going outside later, buy me strawberries. May gagawin ako and some ingredients na rin. Ilista ko na lang mamaya,” he said and sipped his tea.

I kept glancing at him. Alam ko mukha akong tanga, but who cares? It’s just us. Wala namang papatay sa akin.

I think he noticed it kaya nagtanong na siya. “What? May sasabihin ka?” he asked. I scratched my head, feeling shy.

“Ang ganda mo,” I said out of nowhere. Wala na akong masabi. When I looked at him, napatigil rin siya sa kinakain niya.

He was speechless. I could see his cheeks getting red again by just that. Damn.

Until he started to hiccup. Kasalanan ko talaga ‘to eh. I made my way to the kitchen para magsalin ng tubig.

“Drink this first,” I said and gave him the glass of water. “You okay?” I asked, feeling worried.

“Next time, Shan, don’t make jokes like that. I might choke to death,” he retorted. I raised my eyebrow. Ako, nagbibiro?

“Hindi ah. Maganda ka talaga. I won’t get tired saying those words to you every day,” I explained and put my arms around him, putting my head as well on his shoulder.

“Mga ka-cornihan mo talaga. Namamana mo na kay Cisco,” he said, chuckling a little bit.

“At least I wasn’t that corny when it comes to joking around. Siya kaya may pinaka-pangit na joke sa lahat,” sumbong ko kahit ang totoo, corny talaga siya.

“Tumatawa ka nga sa jokes niya,” ani niya at tiningnan ako.

“Yes, because sometimes it’s funny, not corny,” buwelta ko naman.

“You know what, I like funny guys. Kaya una ko talagang naging crush si Cisco. He is a very funny person,” he said, putting his chin on his fist.

I was alerted and agad na iniangat ang ulo ko. “Stop that. He wasn’t that funny,” I said, a bit jealous.

Kailangan ko pa ata maging clown para lang maging katawa-tawa sa paningin ni Rei. I should carry scotch tape around so I can tape Cisco’s mouth. He won’t be able to make corny jokes.

Napaanguso naman ako nang wala sa oras. I should have never mentioned that. Napunta tuloy kay Cisco imbes na sa akin.

“Stop sulking. I don’t want to put up with your sulking ass anymore,” he said, a hint of seriousness.

Ito na nga lang ‘yung way para magpababy sa kanya, masisira pa. “I will stop, just give me a kiss,” I said, with pleading eyes, hoping.

“No. Get lost. Malalate ka sa appointment mo,” he said, peeling banana.

“Oh, come on, just a kiss. It wouldn’t hurt,” reklamo ko but still, I didn’t get his attention.

I stood up and kissed him on the cheek instead, running away. I even heard him shouting at the dining table.

Me, I’m just smiling like a crazy guy. I was like a high schooler whose crush liked him back.

31

DOLCE.

When I entered the tattoo shop, actually bungad kaagad sa akin ang mga posters. It’s the poster of his favorite rappers.

Good music taste, pogi pa. If I were a girl, I’d like him for real siguro haha uulitin ko pa ito.

“You’re here,” he popped out from a door while taking off his gloves. Napansin ko rin na puro mga lalaki ang nagpapatattoo sa kanya.

“Let’s go,” he said and gestured for me to come with him to a room. He gave me a book full of designs for tattoos.

“I’ll do a scorpion on my left belly and this,” I said and pointed to the Chinese tattoo word meaning “hope” for my back.

I took off my shirt and put it down on the stool. “Nice body, Abel,” he complimented.

“Yours too,” I grinned in response and lay down. He put on his gloves and poured some alcohol. He turned on the music.

It’s playing a 21 Savage song, Prove It by 21 Savage and Summer Walker. We started our session, okay naman, di naman masakit, I can tolerate the pain.

While we were in the middle of our session, he spoke, asking me something. “The boy named Conan, is he your friend or your boy?” he asked.

Napaisip din ako, ano nga ba kami? Are we friends or more than that? I don’t actually know kung ano ba kami, but after that night, we just stayed together, and we didn’t talk about it, so I don’t know.

“Friends?” Unsure by what I said, a chuckle escaped from him. “You sure about that?” he asked, confirming.

Di ako sumagot. “If he isn’t, well, one of my friends wants to know him. Do you know Miguel from the Engineering department? He wants Conan’s number,” when those words escaped from his mouth, lumingon kaagad ako sa kanya.

He stopped in his tracks and looked at me too.

“Tell your friend to back off, may boyfriend na ‘yon,” I said, even though it isn’t real.

“Just like I thought,” he said, continuing what he was doing.

“What?” I asked, a little bit confused.

“You said you were both friends, and when I told you that Miguel wants his number, your eyes gave a hint of jealousy,” he said casually.

Well, it’s real. Ang hirap makuha ng number niya, tapos ipamimigay ko lang.

I didn’t respond and just leaned back again.

“You should try to ask him out. He is pretty,” he suggested. I’ve been thinking of doing that. Ang kaso ay di ko alam kung paano gagawin.

I don’t know how to ask someone on a date.

“Ask him out like a normal person. Go with him to a place you know he would like,” he suggested. Nagulat nga ako dahil nag-suggest siya kahit di ako nagtatanong.

“You can do it, right?” he said after he was done with the scorpion tattoo. I sat down so he could do the next tattoo on my back.

“Yes, thank you, bro,” ani ko at nanahimik na lang. After our session, binayaran ko siya. Hindi na ako nagpa-discount because I can afford it. Kapag si Cisco ‘yan, gusto pa may discount, gustong nagtitipid pero magastos pagdating sa collection niya.

When I came out of the door, suminyas ako kay Percival na aalis na ako. He nodded.

Nakasalubong ko pa si Centi na balot na balot na akala mo artista. Gago rin ang baliw na ‘to. Akala niya siguro di ko siya makikilala.

“Centi,” tawag ko. I stopped, and he stopped in front of me. Tinanggal niya ang cap niya at nginitian ako na parang ewan.

“What are you doing here?” I asked and raised an eyebrow. Nataranta siya ng kaunti, halata sa mata niya dahil kung saan-saan nakatingin.

“Malamang magpapatattoo, alangan kakain ako dito,” pilosopo niyang sagot. Hinayaan ko na lang siya at nilagpasan siya.

I remembered that I should ask Conan on a date, but I don’t really know how. Percival’s suggestion didn’t help at all.

I should call Cisco. I took out my phone, pero nagdalawang-isip pa ako kung siya ba tatawagan ko. Walang kwenta mag-suggestion, parang nambabaliw lang. I chose to call Exis since may alam naman siya siguro dahil may jowa siya.

The phone rang.

“What?” he irritatedly said in his raspy voice, halatang kakagising lang.

“I need your help,” I said. He didn’t respond. I even heard someone on the other side of the phone.

“Why do you need my help? Importante ba ‘yan? If this isn’t important, I’ll hang up the phone,” he boredly said.

“I need your help to ask Rei on a date,” mabilis kong sabi.

“’Yun lang?” he asked.

“Hmm,” I responded.

“I’ll send the loc. Kita tayo,” he said and hung up the phone. He sent the loc to my phone. Pumunta kaagad ako doon sa bake shop.

While waiting for him, tumingin muna ako ng mga cake na pwedeng ibigay kay Rei. I chose the black forest one. Feel ko kasi magugustuhan niya. I saw him eating like a half slice of the cake on his own.

“I’ll order this one,” I told the cashier and handed her the cash. I smiled and went to a vacant table to wait for Exis.

When he arrived, he seated himself across from me.

“Dapat nagsabi ka kaagad that it’s all about Rei para natulungan na kaagad kita,” ani niya at nagtawag ng isang waiter for him to order two coffees.

“Ayaw ko tawagan si Cisco. Mga suggestion niya di naman effective,” reklamo ko.

“Well, I guess I was your savior then. Well, first muna, para di tayo magsayang ng oras, tip ko lang sa’yo is just be normal. Wag ka masyadong kabahan. It’s just Rei. He won’t bite,” he said. Kahit na si Rei ‘yon, kinakabahan pa rin ako.

He was the first person I will ask on a date, so it should be a memorable one.

“I know kinakabahan ka because it’s your first date, pero dapat hindi ikaw ang maga-aya tapos kakabahan ka,” he added.

“Tip 2: Be confident. Dapat syempre mabango ka at super presentable ka tingnan. Kapag hindi, ligwak na ‘yon,” di ko alam kung nagbibiro siya or what.

“If you ask him on a date, dalhin mo siya sa favorite place mo or sa favorite niya. I think that’s better,” he said and thought again.

“What if di siya pumayag?” I asked, a hint of fear in my voice. Ayaw ko na di siya pumayag.

“You are so negative, Abel. Kung ano-ano na naman ang pumapasok sa utak mo. He wouldn’t do that to you, trust me,” he assured me.

I react hysterically sometimes, but that’s okay. Di niya naman malalaman na ako ‘yon.

“Umayos ka ha. Baka di pa gumana mga tip ko. Sa’yo nanggaling na ‘yan sa pinaka pogi sa Pinas,” he jokingly said.

Nang matapos kami ay naghiwalay na kaming dalawa. I-update ko na lang siya kapag naaya ko na siya.

When I arrived at Rei’s condo, nakakatakot sana para pagbuksan niya ako. Pero may key card naman pala ako, kaya ‘yon na ang ginamit ko para mabuksan ko yung pinto.

“I’m home,” ani ko. No one responded, kaya pumunta ako sa sala. Si Sunny lang ang nandoon.

“Rei…” I called softly. I looked for him in every room of this condo, but I couldn’t find him, so I decided to go to the rooftop. He smokes there, so maybe he is there.

I took the elevator, dala ko rin yung candy ko. Para di naman nakaka-turn off kapag kausap ko siya.

When I opened the door to the rooftop, nasa dulo nga siya. I could see the smoke in the air.

“Rei,” I shouted his name, kaya napalingon siya. I came towards him and took out his cigarette out of his mouth. Hindi siya umalma, kaya hinayaan ko na lang.

I collected all the courage I had. I faked a cough. I did the inhale-and-exhale method.

“Do you have something to say?” he asked at umayos ng tayo.

“Well…” Panimula ako at kamot sa ulo. “I hope this won’t make you uncomfortable,” I said.

I sighed and looked at him intently. My heart was racing fast. I needed to calm down.

”
Do you want to go out with me
?“

32

DOLCE

I was so shy for real, parang akong tanga na ewan ngayon. He chuckled and took the cigarettes between my hands. He inhaled it and blew it in front of my face.

I coughed. “You should have asked me a long time ago,” he said, smiling. Lumapit pa siya sa akin, inilagay niya yung sigarilyo sa pagitan ng labi ko.

“I accept,” he said. My eyes lit up in excitement. Akala ko kasi di siya papayag. Iiyak na sana ako kung ganun.

“Then I’ll pick you up at seven?” I asked. He nodded. “I’ll go home now,” paalam niya sa akin.

“Hatid na kita,” I insisted. He raised his hand, stopping me. “Chico is going to pick me up today. Take your time to ready yourself. Sa condo niya muna ako,” ani niya na nakangiti sa akin.

When he was out of my sight, dun lang din naman ako natauhan. I silently screamed, sinusuntok ko pa yung hangin sa sobrang kilig.

I thought I wouldn’t be able to ask that. Thank you to Exis and Percival. Nagsindi pa ako ng isa habang nakangiti. Damn.

MAURICIO

Kanina pa ako ngiti-ngiti dito sa salamin. I was slapping my face not to smile, but I couldn’t help it.

“It’s red, don’t do that,” Kuya Chico said and gave me the water. I saw him in the mirror, nakatukod ang dalawa niyang kamay sa kama ko.

“I have a question,” he said. I looked at him. “Ano maganda kulay ng hairpin?” he asked. Napakunot naman ako ng noo.

“Saan mo gagamitin?” I confusedly asked. He sighed and shook his head.

“Saan nga?” ulit ko. “It’s for a person. Basta, ano maganda?” curious niyang tanong.

“I think it would be better kung siya ang tanungin mo. I don’t have any idea about hairpins, Kuya,” I explained. He didn’t respond because he was scrolling on his phone.

Hinayaan ko nalang siya at inaayos ang buhok ko.

My heart was racing because of nervousness. This is my first time having a date.

I inhaled and exhaled, calming myself down. As I stepped out the door, I saw him waiting at the car, tapping his foot.

He’s wearing a simple white tank partnered with a Dickies polo shirt and pants. Simple but stunning. Nang makita niya ako, inayos niya ang postura niya.

Natawa pa ako. “Hello?” he said shyly. I laughed. “Don’t do that. I like the shameless guy,” I said.

“Kinakabahan lang,” sabi niya pa. “Tara na,” aya ko sa kanya at sumakay sa kotse niya.

The whole car was silent. Siguro ay kinakabahan siya pati rin ako. “Saan tayo pupunta?” tanong ko sa kanya. “It’s a secret,” ani niya at ngumiti.

Hinayaan ko nalang siya. Nang makarating kami sa pupuntahan namin, this was the place where Shan called me that day to accompany him.

I saw a tent near the seashore and a bonfire. There were lights above it, yellow bulbs so we could see the waves.

I was amazed, shocked. I smiled and made my way there. “Do you like it?” he asked. Di ko siya sinagot at niyakap ko lang siya.

He stumbled a bit at the sudden hug. He chuckled. “Thank you,” sabi ko.

“I want this simple and memorable for both of us. And I want your first date to be memorable. Atsaka gusto mo kasi ang dagat, so I think this is the best view,” he explained, smiling.

“This is the best date ever,” I said softly. We intertwined our hands as we made our way to the bonfire.

It was just us, no one else seeing us. Nakahain ang mga favorite kong pagkain. My eyes were shining, my stomach grumbled at the sight of the food.

“Let’s eat, nagugutom ka na eh,” aya niya sa akin. Kumain lang kami. We asked each other random things until we finished our food.

I was very satisfied. Lumaki na rin ang tiyan ko sa kakakain. I sat at the tent, and tumabi rin siya sa akin.

He had two cans of beer in his hands and a pack of cigarettes paired with strawberries.

He opened the beer for me, and I took it gladly. He started talking. “Do you remember when we first met?”

“Yes, why?” I responded. “You smelled like a candy, a strawberry candy,” he explained.

“It’s mixed with faded cigarette scent,” paliwanag niya. Ewan ko pero this kind of thing makes me happy.

Ang tagal na noon pero naalala niya pa. “Yosi tayo,” ani niya at binigay sa akin ang isang stick.

He lit up his own cigar. He brought his face closer to me to light up my cigarette with his. He was looking at me, not breaking eye contact. I couldn’t even breathe because of that. I was stunned. I really didn’t expect that.

Nagtagal rin ‘yon hanggang sa napansin ko nalang na medyo umaapoy na yung sigarilyo. I fake coughed para di awkward.

Nag-iba ako ng topic. I wanted to say the things I couldn’t say about him before. It’s time for him to hear my side, my feelings.

“Dati pa kita gusto, Shan,” sabi ko as I blew the smoke out of my mouth. “Huh?” he reacted.

“Dati pa kita gusto. You were just a chubby, crybaby kid when we first met,” kwento ko sa kanya. Totoo naman talaga ‘yon.

“Ano? Really? When?” he asked and fixed his posture.

“It’s a camping. Sinusungitan mo pa ako noon. What I mean is di mo ako pinapansin, not until you came to help me with my bruise,” paliwanag ko sa kanya.

“Talaga?” tanong niya na para bang di siya makapaniwala. “I don’t really remember,” malungkot niyang sabi.

“Matagal na ‘yon, Shan. Besides, nandito ka na rin naman kasama ko. At alam mo ba na sinabi ko ‘yon kay Babi? He was the first one to know about you. Natuwa nga siya nung nalaman niya na ikaw yung lalaki na crush ko. Hinanap kita sa iba’t ibang platforms pero di kita mahanap,” paliwanag ko sa kanya. Naalala ko pa ‘yon.

“Not until I didn’t have to look for you anymore dahil nakita na kita,” I said, looking at him softly, like a whisper na parang siya lang ang nakakarinig.

“Crush na crush mo pala ako,” sabi niya pa habang natatawa.

“Ako rin eh,” pag-amin niya. Natawa naman kami parehas. “Alam mo ba na may kanta ako na dinedicate sa’yo nung di pa ako sure sa nararamdaman ko sa’yo,” dagdag niya.

“Ano ‘yon?” tanong ko, naghihintay sa isasagot niya.

“Strawberries and Cigarettes by Troye Sivan. It was played then, naaalala kita kapag naririnig ko ‘yon,” nakangiti niyang sabi.

“Who would have thought, right? Na isang araw ma-realize ko na mahal na pala talaga kita,” he chuckled as he bowed his head down.

Pakiramdam ko ngayon ay halo-halo. I wanted to hear that for a long time. Hindi niya ‘yon sinabi sa akin noon.

“You were aware, right? That I like you?” he asked, making sure. Tumango ako.

Kahit di niya sabihin, ramdam ko. Hinayaan ko lang siya dahil gusto ko na siya mismong ang magsabi sa akin.

Ilang taon ko rin siyang ginusto. Ilang taon rin ako naghintay para sa kanya.

“Rei,” he called out. He looked at me seriously.

“Can I be someone who will take care of you? Ayaw ko na pigilan ang sarili ko na magmahal. Kaya pwede bang pagbigyan mo ako na mahalin ka?” tanong niya.

“Hayaan mo ako na mahalin kita,” he said softly. You can see it in his eyes that he is really sincere.

Kahit ako, gusto ko na rin siyang mahalin. Pero handa na ba siya na mahalin ako? Is he ready to take the risk on me?

“Handa ka ba talaga?” tanong ko sa kanya.

Huminga siya nang malalim at tiningnan ulit ako sa mata. The look in his eyes was making my heart skip a beat.

“Oo.” That simple response made me satisfied. Ganito pala yung feeling na mahal ka rin ng taong mahal mo.

I never imagined this, for real.

We fell in silence, no one dared to speak. Only the waves, the chirping sounds, my heart, and my breath—those were the only things I could hear right now.

He brought his face closer to mine as we both stared at each other deeply, not wanting to break it off.

I was mesmerized by his eyes staring at me. My heart was pounding as if it would come out of nowhere.

I could feel his breath on mine. Our faces inched closer to each other. He traveled his eyes on my face until they stopped on my lips.

I closed my eyes, waiting for his lips to touch mine.

And it did. Our lips met, a delicate touch that quickly deepened. Time seemed to stop as we lost ourselves in the kiss, our hearts pounding in perfect harmony.

It was perfect. The kiss was perfect.
I am glad that he was the first.

33

Dolce

Nagising na lang ako na parang may nakadagan sa akin. It’s not that heavy. I blink my eyes a few times to adjust my eyesight.

The rays of the sun were hitting my face, kaya sinangga ko ito gamit ang kamay ko. I looked at the person who was sleeping soundly.

I smiled. Nagtagal ako sa kama, letting his hair fall perfectly on his sleeping face. I traced his face with my free hand, traveling through all his good features until my fingers landed on his lips. They had a touch of pink. I wanted to kiss those lips again.

My morning is the best when I wake up seeing this face. I pinched his nose. Naramdaman niya kaya hinawi niya ‘yon.

Natawa naman ako. “Tanghali na,” bulong ko. Hindi siya umimik at halatang natulog ulit.

I kissed him and got out of bed, making my way out of the door to prepare breakfast.

Isang oras din ako sa kusina bago natapos. It was just a simple breakfast—pancakes, coffee, at syempre, yung favorite niyang prutas.

Medyo nagulat ako nang may tumabi sa akin. It was him. His hair was messy, halatang kakagising lang. Nag-inat pa siya at tiningnan ako.

“Good morning,” I greeted him with a smile. He smiled back. Umalis siya sa tabi ko at umupo sa stool sa counter. I sat beside him.

“Eat,” aniya, habang nilalagyan ang plato niya. He ate silently. Hinawi ko ang strand ng buhok niyang tumatakip sa mukha niya.

He didn’t pay attention to it. Siguro ilang minuto pa lang kaming kumakain nang may pumasok.

Napahilamos na lang ako sa mukha ko at tumayo. I heard my friends’ voices echoing in the room.

When they were about to enter the kitchen, pinamewangan ko sila at tinaasan ng kilay.

“Anong ginagawa niyo dito?” I asked. Sumagot naman si Centi, “Na-miss kasi namin kayo.” I scoffed at his excuse. Tiningnan ko si Rei, na tumatawa lang sa amin.

“Atsaka huwag kang humarang diyan, makikikain kami,” Exis said and pushed my shoulder to let himself in.

These motherfuckers.

Tiningnan ko sila habang nagsisikuhaan ng pagkain. Mga patay gutom. Akala mo hindi nagsisikain.

“Bakit ba kayo nandito, ha?” tanong ko ulit.

“To be honest, Abel, we are here because I planned na mag-vacation tayo,” Cisco said. Napataas ang kilay ko.

“The fuck do you mean? Puro ka bakasyon, hindi pa nga natatapos ang sem natin. Umayos ka nga,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Just kidding. Ganito kasi ‘yan, naaalala mo si Prof. JC?” tanong niya sa akin. I remembered Prof. JC—he was one of the best professors sa university namin.

“What’s with him then?” I asked. Hindi naman umiimik yung iba.

“Well, it’s his birthday today. Prof. JC is inviting us,” aniya at ipinakita sa akin ang invitation.

I scanned it. 27th birthday niya. Ibinalik ko ‘yon sa kanya.

“I guess I won’t be able to attend today,” I replied.

“Ano? We came all the way here just for you to say that?” he hysterically said.

“Rei and I are going to my house later, andoon kasi si Mommy,” sagot ko sa kanila.

“Ay ganun? Edi hindi na lang kami pupunta,” Centi said, sabay kuha ng pancake. Isa na lang ‘yon, at isa pa lang ang nakakain ni Rei, kaya kinuha ko.

“Tama na. Sa kanya ‘yan,” sabi ko. He didn’t say anything, hinayaan na lang niya.

“You guys are invited tapos hindi kayo pupunta? Mga nagsisiraan ba kayo?” I irritably said. Huminga si Exis nang malalim.

“Did you see the venue? The venue is fucking crazy! Iba-iba yung kulay. It’s a little bit weird,” Exis explained. Kung nandito si Chico, ewan ko na lang.

“Bunganga mo, Exis. Be thankful Chico isn’t here,” Syd said.

“Eh totoo naman kasi,” he retorted.

They laughed lowly. Masama lang ang tingin sa kanila ni Syd.

I looked at Rei, confused about what we were talking about.

“Don’t mind them. OA lang ang mga ‘yan,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Umalis na nga kayo dito. Mga istorbo,” pagpapaalis ko sa kanila.

“Oo na, aalis na. Gusto mo lang masolo boyfriend mo,” Cisco said, teasing me, kaya pabiro ko siyang sinipa.

“Conan, naglalaway ‘yan kapag natutulog!” Cisco shouted and ran out the door.

Inihagis ko ang tsinelas ko pero hindi rin siya natamaan. Mas mabaho nga pala siya sa akin.

Nagsipunta lang dito para magsikain. Pasalamat talaga sila at andito ang baby ko.

I casually hugged him. He was startled by what I did. It’s time for me to cling to him.

“Ang aga-aga. Bitaw nga,” reklamo niya. One week has passed since we started dating. All I can say is, every day, I keep falling in love with him. It’s cheesy, right? Maybe it’s true that when you are in love, you become cringe.

I’m always clingy to him kahit ayaw niya. He hates clingy people. He hates kisses a lot, pero ako, gustong-gusto naman.

Niyakap ko lang siya even though he was resisting.

“Ang bigat mo,” he complained. Wala akong magagawa, eh. Ganito na talaga.

“Give me a kiss, then I will stop,” I said and looked at him in the eye, na para bang nagpapacute na bata na gustong makuha ang gusto.

“Adik ka ba? You’ve been saying that since kahapon pa,” he said. Hindi naman ako magsasawa. I love kisses when it comes to him.

“Sige na,” I pleaded.

He sighed and kissed my cheek boredly, then rolled his eyes.

“One more time,” sabi ko pa sa kanya.

“Tama na. Masyado ka nang madaming sinasabi,” sabi niya at tumayo.

I didn’t protest. Instead, I followed him to his room.

“Rei,” I called out while he was fixing his clothes.

“Hmm?” he responded.

“Come with me to the bed. I have something to talk to you about,” I said.

Natense siya bigla. “Ano ‘yon?” he tensely asked.

“Naalala mo noong tinanong mo ako kung ready ba ako na ipakilala kita kay Mom?” sabi ko sa kanya.

He nodded.

“I think I’m ready. Pero ikaw ba, ready ka ba?” I asked.

He looked at me. Hindi siya nagsalita.

He put his palm on top of my hands and looked at me softly.

“Don’t ask me that. Kahit noon pa, ready na ako,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Kinakabahan ako about what your mom will say about us or me. But I know that your mom is an understanding woman. No matter what she says, huwag kang mag-alala. I’ll still be by your side,” he explained and kissed me.

When we arrived at my house, I saw Mom playing with Chi-Chi. After that night, Mom divorced Dad. And I’m happy with that.

It’s time for Mom to be happy and live her life to the fullest. We cut ties with him. I’m still healing from my trauma kasama si Rei.

“Mom,” I shouted when we entered the house.

“Hi, baby,” she greeted. She kissed my cheek and did the same to Rei.

“Pasok na kayo sa loob,” aya niya sa amin, at binuhat ko si Chi-Chi papasok.

My mom’s house was sold. She said that magpapatayo na lang siya ng bagong bahay niya.

“Sonya, give us some merienda, please,” she ordered one of the maids.

“How are you, Mom?” I asked.

“I’m fine, anak. Your ate is taking care of me, and tomorrow I’ll be back to New York for my work, so your ate will handle our business here in the Philippines,” she explained.

Ngayon ko lang naalala na aalis na pala si Mom bukas. Ang bilis lang.

“Okay lang ba sa’yo ‘yon, Mom? You can still be here pa naman and take your time to heal,” I softly said.

“Abel, you know that I don’t like being sad, atsaka ayaw ko rin na palaging nag-stay lang sa kung nasaan ako. I need some time, okay? So, don’t worry about me.”

“Pero Ma—” naputol ang sasabihin ko.

“Abel,” she protested, kaya hindi na ako umalma pa. Hahayaan ko na muna si Mom magdesisyon para sa sarili niya.

I looked at Rei. Tumango ako sa kanya. I held his hand tightly, and we both looked at Mom. Kinabahan ako, pero I know that Mom is not an OA person. Pero still, kinakabahan pa rin ako.

She was sipping her cup.

“Mom,” I called out. I held his hand tightly.

“Hmm?” She looked at us directly, at dumako ang mata niya sa magkahawak naming kamay ni Rei.

”
Boyfriend ko po, si Rei.”

34

Dolce
.

When I said that Mom choked on her drink, kaya nag-panic talaga ako. Hinagod ko ang likod ni Mommy.

She coughed multiple times before she calmed down. “My God, Abel, how could you announce that like that?” she irritatedly said.

“Are you okay? Sorry, Ma, nabigla ata kita,” kamot-ulo kong sabi at napangiwi na lang. I saw Rei come towards us, asking the same question.

“I’m fine, iho. Ito kasing boyfriend mo,” she said, side-eyeing me.

“Di ka galit, Mom?” gulat kong tanong.

“Why? Do you want me to react hysterically?” she asked, raising her eyebrow.

“Why would I be mad? Ate mo nga tinanggap ko, ikaw pa kaya,” she said, fixing her crumpled shirt.

“Gosh, Abel, you will be the death of me,” she said and stood up. She looked at Rei and let him sit beside her.

I eyed them, following their movements. “Sigurado ka na ba sa anak ko? Pwede ka naman mag-back out,” rinig kong tanong niya.

Kaya naman parang halos malukot ang mukha ko. Halatang seryoso si Mommy. Tiningnan niya pa ako mula ulo hanggang paa at binaling ang tingin kay Rei.

Rei chuckled. “Di ko alam, Tita,” sagot niya, kaya naman lumapit ako.

“Abel, your boyfriend isn’t sure about you,” Mom said, seriousness visible in her voice.

“What?” I asked, a bit confused.

“Wag ka mag-alala, Conan. Ilalayo kita sa kanya,” sabi ni Mommy, kaya lumapit na ako at tumabi sa kanila.

“What are you talking about? You said earlier na ayos lang. Now what?” I said, feeling nervous again.

Naiiyak na talaga ako sa totoo lang. “Conan naman,” sabi ko at niyakap siya.

“You guys are joining to tease me, aren’t you?” I asked. Natawa naman sila sa akin, na parang nangti-trip lang.

“Jusko, Abel, you haven’t changed a bit,” Mom said. I hugged Rei tightly, not wanting to let go.

“Hey, calm down. We are just teasing you,” he said, at pinipilit tanggalin ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya.

“Kailan pa kayo naging close ni Mommy nang ganyan na kailangan pang magbiruan at pagtripan ako?” I replied, slowly snuggling him more.

“Abel, para kang bata. Umaayos ka nga, di naman aalis ‘yang si Conan,” Mom retorted, assuring me, pero di rin ako natinag.

“Bahala ka diyan. Conan, wag ka magpapaabuso diyan. Iyakin ‘yan, tapos may paawa effect pa,” Mom retorted before I felt that she stood up from her seat.

“Ma! Don’t say that. I wasn’t like that. Parehas kayo ni Cisco, sinisiraan niyo ako kay Conan,” reklamo ko sa kanya.

Di ako pinakinggan ni Mommy at iniwan kaming dalawa. Conan laughed, not taking my side this time.

I looked at him. “What?” he said, raising his eyebrow.

“Gusto ko kumain ng takoyaki,” sabi ko sa kanya. Bumitaw ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya.

Umalis kami ng bahay para bumili ng takoyaki sa mall. Ewan, cravings ko na ngayon ‘yan. Halos araw-arawin ni Rei ang pagkain non, kaya pati ako nahawa.

“Bilisan mo na,” sabi niya sa akin habang sinusuot ang jacket ko. He was just wearing a simple T-shirt, but still, he looked good.

“Let me hold your hand,” sabi ko sa kanya. I let our hands intertwine together. I smiled as we both started walking.

I’m happy that Mom is okay with it. She was shocked, but I was more shocked when I knew that Mom and Rei were close like that.

I couldn’t ask Mom anymore about it, but I swear, if we ever have deep talks again, I’ll definitely ask her that.

We enjoyed our day. This was an unplanned date, but I’m sure this one was the best. We ate together from our favorite fast food chain, we drank our favorite milkshake, and Rei tried many things like I did.

It was like a long time for us. We were like little boyfriends in their own world. I’m happy that I was with him today, enjoying every moment na magkasama kami.

I never wished for this nor expected this kind of date or anything, but I am happy that I can experience these kinds of things with him.

“Gusto mo, photo booth tayo?” tanong niya. Tinanguan ko siya. Wala kaming matinong picture na magkasama. We should try this one.

Pumunta kami sa isang shop na may photo booth dito sa mall. Nagbayad muna kami bago pumasok. It’s a vintage photo booth. Ito ‘yung mga sikat ngayon, sabi ni TikTok boy. Kilala niyo na ‘yon.

We sat down on the bench. Kasya naman kaming dalawa, but I could occupy almost half of the bench.

“Ano unang pose natin?” I asked.

“Ganito,” he took my hands, put them on his cheeks like pinching them. He did the same.

“1, 2, 3, smile.”

We smiled, and the photo captured us. Di na kami nag-isip pa dahil may timer. I kissed his cheek and closed my eyes until the timer stopped.

It felt like it was my first time again. Alam ko na medyo nagulat siya, pero hinayaan niya na lang. He circled his arms around my neck and kissed my cheek also. Di na ako nakangiti pa sa gulat dahil don.

Tangina, kung ako lang mag-isa, baka pinagsusuntok ko na yung hangin.

“That’s your reward for making me happy today,” he said, smiling.

I couldn’t think of anything, but instead, I kissed him without thinking. This was the last take, so this was the best pose we could do.

As our lips touched, I felt a sense of happiness, satisfaction, and more. We stayed like that. I didn’t move an inch, not until I felt that he backed away. Inalis niya ang tingin sa akin at halatang namumula.

“It’s your second time, isn’t it?” I asked teasingly.

“Para kang sira! Ang pangit ko diyan, oh?” reklamo niya at tinuro ‘yon.

“It’s beautiful, Rei,” I said, assuring him. “It’s beautiful because in the picture, it’s someone I love and cherish the most,” I said sweetly.

“Tangina mo, inuuto mo lang ako,” reklamo niya.

Di ko in-expect yung reaction niya, pero pwede na. I heard him curse—that was the first time.

Nang lumabas yung print, pinicturan ko ‘yon at pinost sa IG. Di naman naka-close friends ‘yon. Ayaw ko ng lowkey-lowkey lang. Dapat hard launch kaagad.

Nang makauwi kami sa condo niya, naligo muna ako bago siya. May ipapasa pa raw siya at di niya pa nagagawa.

Napansin ko na may dugo yung sinuot niyang medyas kanina. Ewan ko kung saan nanggaling ‘yon. I should check him later.

After I showered, dumiretso ako sa kitchen so I could make some milk for him. After that, pumasok ako sa loob. I wore a shirt before I entered—I don’t want to show the tattoo muna.

“Rei,” I called out and placed the milk on the table. Hindi niya ako tinapunan ng tingin at nagt-type pa rin. I sat on the bed, kaya medyo lumubog ‘yon. He was wearing glasses para di masyadong sumakit yung mata niya.

I placed both of my hands on his shoulders, massaging them para maibsan ang pagod niya.

“You should rest,” sabi ko.

“Later na. Ikaw, magpahinga ka na,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Sabay na tayo,” protesta ko, kaya nakinig lang siya.

Napansin ko na may sugat-sugat din ang mga paa niya.

“Rei, what happened to that?” I asked.

“Huh?” He responded and looked at his feet.

“Oh, that? Sa sapatos ko ‘yan. It’s uncomfy, at mabilis ma-irritate ang paa ko. I forgot to bring my slippers, so tiniis ko na lang,” paliwanag niya sa akin.

I know na di niya ipapagalaw ‘yan sa akin. Iisipin niya na mabaho paa niya kahit di naman talaga.

Hinayaan ko na lang muna. He couldn’t finish it—natulugan niya na. Napagod sa gala namin ngayong araw. I didn’t try to wake him up kasi mahihirapan siya matulog.

I fixed his body, yung nakahiga na nang maayos. Kinuha ko ang first aid kit para linisin yung sugat niya sa mga paa. Those are just cuts, pero need pa rin talagang linisin.

After that, I tucked him in on the bed. I placed his laptop in front of me. Ako na lang ang tatapos since pagod na siya.

I have a little knowledge about this topic—it should be easy.

35

MAURICIO

Nagising na lang ako sa silaw ng araw na dumadaan sa bintana. Naalala ko na may gagawin pa pala ako, kaso hindi ko na natapos ‘yon kagabi. Kinusot ko ang mata ko at tinanggal ang braso ni Abel na nakadagan sa akin, saka bumaba sa kama.

I saw the bandage on my feet. I touched it. Abel did this. Sumilay ang ngiti sa labi ko. I saw my laptop on the side of the bed at kinuha ‘yon. I opened my notes to see if I still have a to-do list, but I was shocked to see it’s all done.

Napatingin ako kay Abel na mahimbing na natutulog. It wasn’t the first time he did this to me.

Binaling ko ang paningin ko sa paligid ko, not until he hugged me from behind at binaon ang mukha niya sa leeg ko.

“Good morning, Rei,” he greeted with his raspy voice. Kahit bagong gising, pogi pa rin ang boses.

“How’s your feet?” he asked as he kissed my cheeks. “It’s good, thank you, Shan,” I smiled.

He looked at me and pouted in front of me as if he’s asking something from me. “What?” I asked and raised my eyebrow at him.

“Give me a kiss,” he cutely said. He stared at me with those eyes again, pleading. “Wala ka pang toothbrush,” sabi ko at tumayo sa kama.

“Bakit, kailangan ba mag-toothbrush muna bago mo ako bigyan ng kiss?” he asked na parang nagtatampo.

“Morning breath. Mabaho hininga mo,” sabi ko sa kanya at sinuot ang slippers ko. “What? I saw on my reels last time that some couples kiss every morning after they wake up,” pinaglalaban niya talaga.

“Abel, sila ‘yon. Magkakaiba tayong lahat. Kapag ayaw ko ng mabahong hininga sa umaga, ayaw ko,” sabi ko at tinalikuran siya at pumasok sa banyo.

Silly me, as if I don’t want him to kiss me every morning. Dami kasing alam ni Abel, lahat gusto.

After I showered, lumabas ako kaagad ng kwarto at nadatnan ko sila, kaibigan ni Shan na kaibigan ko na rin naman.

“Kamusta honeymoon niyo?” bungad na tanong sa akin ni Cisco nang makita ako. Humalakhak pa siya kaya binato siya ng case ng cp ni Centi.

“Lahat naman gusto mong alamin. Sana nag-journalist ka na lang,” Centi said while munching on his food. Cisco scratched his head as he felt defeated.

“Nagtatanong lang eh,” he quietly said. I chuckled at his silliness.

“Punta tayo Palawan! Road trip, ganon,” rinig kong suggestion ni Exis.

“Ano, akala mo sa amin nagtatae ng pera?” Cisco uttered. “Bro, Palawan is very far. ‘Di ka pa makakarating sa Palawan, wala ka nang sasakyan,” dagdag niya.

“Bakit, may iba ka pa bang suggestion?” Exis asked. Cisco nodded and looked at Syd.

Syd stopped what he was doing and looked at us in confusion. “What?” he asked.

“I know what you are thinking, Cisco. No,” Syd said and glared at him.

“Sige na, pumayag ka na,” pamimilit nitong si Cisco, but Syd remained unbothered. Cisco accepted, ni hindi niya talaga mapapayag ito.

“Then let’s go to La Union, may rest house ako doon,” Dio suggested. Cisco grinned at parang batang nagtatalon.

“Road trip na!” sigaw niya. “Pero sa gulong ka nakapuwesto ha,” Dio joked.

We chuckled.

ABEL

“Magsialis na kayo dito,” iritado kong sabi sa kanila. I shooed them away. I just want to spend time with him kaya wala munang aagaw.

“Ang sama mo naman, ganyan ba talaga kapag may bf na?” sabi ni Cisco kaya tinulak ko siya palabas ng pinto.

“Dumbass,” I whispered and got back to the kitchen.

When the night fell, I hummed while strumming the guitar I was holding. It was touching my fingertips as I stared at the night sky.

Siguro ilang minuto rin akong ganito, not until I smelled that kind of perfume. Alam kong siya kaya napalingon ako.

Beautiful as ever. I smiled, thinking this boy in front of me is the first person I’ll see. I was lucky to have him.

Lumapit siya sa akin at tumapat sa harapan ko. “Ang lalim ng iniisip mo,” he said softly as he touched my hair, caressing it softly.

I chuckled. “I was thinking about you,” I whispered and looked at him. His eyes were shining as if there’s a star in there.

“Palagi naman,” biro niyang sabi. I just smiled. A sudden question popped into my head.

“Do you think this would work out?” I asked, unsure of his answer. He sighed. Malalim ‘yon kaya kinabahan ako.

“At least we tried,” he smiled. Lumapit siya sa akin lalo at pinagdikit ang noo naming dalawa.

Feeling the cold wind against our skin. I just wanna stay like this forever.

“We will try, just don’t leave me,” he said and closed his eyes. “I won’t,” I said and held the back of his head and kissed his forehead.

Hulog na hulog na ako. Kaya what’s the reason for me not to stay with him?

We stayed like that, just feeling each other’s presence. “Kakantahan kita,” sabi ko sa kanya. I sat on the chair and he sat across from me, only the table between us.

“What song?” he asked at nangalumbaba sa harapan ko, observing my movements.

I strummed and started singing. It was a song by Sponge Cola, called
Kay Tagal Kitang Hinintay.

”
Hawakan mo ang aking kamay at tayong dalawa’y maghahasik ng kaligayahan.” I sang and looked at him and smiled.

”
Bitawan mong unang salita, ako ay handa nang tumapak sa lupa.”

I added as I felt the sound of the strings.

”
Tapos na ang paghihintay, nandito ka na’t oras ay naiinip, magdahan-dahan.

Sinasamsam bawat gunita na para bang tayo’y di na tatanda.”

Ayaw ko na maghintay. Noon, ‘di talaga ako naniniwala sa pag-ibig na ‘yan pero nung dumating siya, maybe it’s not that bad to love someone again.

Kumanta lang ako. I stared at him, lost in his eyes. Ang ganda-ganda niya. Ang swerte ko.

”
Parang isang panaginip, ang muling mapagbigyan. Tayo’y muling magkasama, ang dati ay balewala, ang dati ay balewala.”

Here comes the last verse. ”
Panatag ang kalooban ko at ika’y kapiling ko na. O kay tagal kitang hinintay, kay tagal kitang hinintay.”

Nang matapos ko ang kanta, he clapped his hands and smiled so brightly. Lumapit siya sa akin. Binaba ko ang gitarang hawak ko.

He sat on me. Shocked is written all over my face. “Ang galing mo talaga, no?” he asked kaya ako naman tumango sa kanya.

“You should sing a song to me everyday,” he said and fixed my hair.

Kahit oras-oras, kakantahan ko siya. Kahit ilang kanta pa. Basta siya lang, nag-iisang taong makikinig noon. Knowing that I’ll still be praised because of him.

“Sure, just request. Aaaralin ko para sa’yo,” I said at inayos ang upo ko. He cupped my face and made it steady, just facing him.

We are both lost in each other’s eyes, just like always. My hands automatically brushed his hair off dahil natatakpan nito ang mukha niya.

I examined his face until it landed on his lips — his plump lips. Ganoon rin siya. We both closed our eyes until our lips met.

His lips taste like strawberry. Our kiss deepened as if there is no end.

Tangina, bakit ka ba ganito sa akin, Rei.

36

ABEL

“Antanga mo naman, madadapa ka pa,” reklamo ni Centi kay Cisco habang nilalapag sa likod ng kotse ang bag niya.

“Ang init ng ulo mo, nireregla ka na naman,” rinig kong buwelta niya. “Away sila ng bebe niya,” Exis laughed and Centi glared at him.

Naalala ko na pumunta pala siya sa tattoo shop ni Percival, ano kayang ginagawa niya don. I’m curious pero ano bang pake ko.

“Hey, Abel, tawag ka ni Reil,” Dio tapped my chest and pointed where Reil is. He is there, standing in front of the door holding his slippers.

Lukot ang mukha niya, di pa ako nakakalapit at hinagis niya sa akin ‘yung slippers niya at nilagpasan ako. Di pa ako nakakapagsalita, sinamahan na ako ng tingin.

What did I do? I asked myself that question. Sinundan ko siya pero binagsak niya lang ang pintuan ng kotse sa harap ko.

Cisco laughed in front of my face, “Suyo well,” he joked at pumasok sa driver seat. Cisco rolled down the window.

“Dio will drive in the second car. Reil said I will drive,” he casually said. Nainis naman ako, di ko alam kung ano ginawa ko tuloy. Katabi na naman niya yang si Cisco, kainis talaga. Dapat di na sumama.

Pumasok ako sa kotse ng nakabusangot. “Bro, stop making that face, di bagay,” Dio said and gestured me to wear my seatbelt.

“Sino bang nagsabing isama niyo ‘yan si Cisco?” pagalit kong tanong.
“Why, jealous?” he chuckled.

Inalala ko kung ano bang pwedeng ikatampo niya sa akin. Did I forget something important today?

We drove away and I’m still thinking about it, not until Exis interrupted me.

“What?” I irritatedly asked. “Look, Percival and his friends are in La Union. Grabe, best tambayan ata ng mga gago ‘yan,” he said and smirked as if it’s interesting to talk about.

One hour passed. Medyo malayo pa kami sa La Union, nag-stop over muna kami para kumain. Ako unang bumaba para salubungin si Reil.

When I stopped him, tumakbo ako palapit sa kanya. “Reil, what’s wrong? Talk to me,” I pleaded and held his hand.

“Wala ako sa mood ngayon, tabi diyan,” pagsusungit niya. He pushed me away.

“Suyo, malala ka talaga, umiyak ‘yan sa kotse kanina,” Cisco said and we both looked at him, na kasabay si Syd.

Halatang umiyak siya. Even his cheeks were red.

Nang kumakain kami dito sa McDo, hindi niya ako tinabihan. He never even talked to me. Pinaghihimay siya ni Cisco ng chicken because he doesn’t want his hands to get dirty.

Ako dapat gumagawa niyan. Wala naman akong magawa, baka pag-awayan pa namin.

I ordered extra McFlurry for him because it’s his favorite. Pakunswelo ko na.

Pagkatapos namin kumain ay pumunta ako sa kotse ni Cisco. I saw Reil’s head leaning against the window. I gestured Cisco to get out of the car at sinunod niya naman ako.

Ayaw kong patagalin kung ano man ang problema. I’ll try to be better in this kahit di ko alam kung paano ang gagawin ko.

Cisco tapped my shoulders and walked away. I sat at the driver seat. He knows that it’s me, so he stayed silent. Iniabot ko sa kanya ang binili ko so he could eat it.

He did grab it. Umayos siya ng upo. I can see it in my peripheral vision. Nilalaro niya lang din.

“What’s the matter?” I asked while driving. My eyes were focused on the road. He stayed silent, na para bang kausap ko lang ay hangin.

I looked at him. “You forgot,” he whispered. I barely heard him say it. I raised my eyebrow.

What did I forget today? I kept thinking, halos sumakit ang ulo ko sa kakaisip.

Damn, how could I forget? It’s his birthday. It’s September 4—basically, it’s today.

“Reil,” I called out. He looked at me na parang bang maiiyak na ito. “Happy birthday,” I softly said and bowed down dahil sa pagsisisi sa nagawa ko.

“I’m sorry that I forgot that it’s your birthday,” I said, feeling sorry. I put my hand on top of his hand, glancing at him.

He didn’t say anything. Di ko alam ang gagawin ko sa ganito kaya nanahimik ako. Hinawakan ko na lang ang kamay niya.

I don’t know if we’re okay now but I knew we weren’t. Di ko alam ang gagawin ko para makabawi sa kanya.

When we arrived at our destination, di kami nagpapansinan. Para bang we weren’t close. Binuhat ko na lang ang gamit naming parehas papasok sa rest house ni Dio. Nakasabay ko pa ito papasok.

“You both okay now?” he asked. Di ako nagsalita. Humiga ako at sinusubsob ang mukha ko sa unan, feeling the tears streaming down my face.

Di ko alam kung bakit ako naiiyak. I knew I was wrong. Iniisip ko tuloy na I wasn’t trying my best to show him that I love him. I erased that kind of thought nang magsalita si Dio at Chico.

“Tangina mo bro, anong iniiyak mo?” tanong ni Chico. Ako naman, umupo at pinunasan ang luha ko.
“What a crybaby you are,” Dio scoffed.

“It’s his birthday and I forgot about it, kaya siya nagtatampo sa akin,” sabi ko at yumuko.

“Damn you bro, dapat nga siya ang umiiyak eh, ikaw naman tong umiiyak dito sa kwarto niyo na parang tanga lang,” Chico sarcastically said.

“Do something, Abel,” Dio suggested.

“Umayos ka nga. We wouldn’t help you. Gumawa ka ng paraan kung paano kayo magbabati,” Chico added.

“Stop crying, motherfucker, di bagay sa’yo,” Dio said and walked away kasama si Chico. Humiga ulit ako sa kama at nag-isip-isip.

Hindi ako nahihirapan. Hindi ko lang alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

MAURICIO

I was sad but not disappointed. Kanina ko pa siya hinihintay na batiin ako kaso wala naman, kaya nagalit ako sa kanya.

Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa bintana ng kotse. Ramdam ko na si Shan ang kasama ko sa kotse. We fell in silence at inabot niya sa akin ang binili niya.

Kaso pinaglalaruan ko lang ‘yon. Wala akong gana. “What’s the matter?” he asked while looking at the road.

Hindi ko siya sinagot. Nagtatampo ako. Why am I overreacting because of this?

He glanced at me. “You forgot,” I whispered. I don’t know if he heard it.

I don’t know if he is aware or not, but I hope he is. Di ako galit dahil nakalimutan niya.

I was mad because he didn’t even try to remember it. He did ask, but I was mad because of myself by reacting this way. Konti na lang ay sisigawan ko siya. I was rude to him earlier.

“I’m sorry that I forgot that it’s your birthday,” he said. He put his hand on top of my hand, glancing at me.

I didn’t answer him dahil di ko alam ang isasagot ko. Nang makarating naman kami sa rest house ni Dio, iniwan ko lang siya. Iniiwasan ko siya.

Lumapit sa akin si Syd at inakbayan ako. “Don’t be sad, gagawa ‘yon ng paraan para mapasaya ka, trust me,” he said, cheering me up.

“Tara sa garden, maganda tanawin don,” aya niya at hinila ako.

“You’ve been here?” I asked. He tensed up a bit. Tiningnan ko siya para di siya magsinungaling sa akin. “Yes, kasama ko si Radio,” sabi niya at yumuko.

“Hindi pa rin kayo ayos?” I asked, but he didn’t answer. Di na lang ako nag-insist pa at hinayaan na lang.

I better stay out of it. That’s their life. I have my own.

37

ABEL

Habang inaayos ko yung set up dito sa garden ni Dio, ay nagpa-order na lang ako ng cake at nagluto ako. Mabuti at nilibot na lang ni Syd si Rei sa ibang lugar dito sa La Union so I could prepare smoothly.

It’s just simple, kumuha lang ako ng parang mga small lights para naman may ilaw, just bringing some white blanket. I don’t know if this preparation would work out but I hope it’s going to be.

Di talaga ako tinulungan ng mga kupal na ‘yon. Dumating ang order ko at iniayos ko na ‘yon. Syd messaged me that they are going home now. I was nervous na dapat di naman talaga.

Ako lang ba yung ganito? I still get shy and nervous whenever I’m with him. Ganito ba talaga kapag may boyfriend ka na?

Those thoughts vanished when I heard the gate open. Rinig ko ang tawa niya. Sinabi ko kay Syd na papuntahin na lang dito sa garden si Rei.

REIL

Nawala kahit papaano ang lungkot ko. Naglibot kaming dalawa ni Syd here sa La Union, ngayon at pauwi na kami.

Up until now, hindi kami nagkikibuan dalawa. I was sad, gusto ko magkaayos kaming dalawa.

“Hey, wag ka na malungkot. For sure naman, magkakaayos kayong dalawa ni Abel.

Just give each other time, nakalimot lang ‘yon pero di niya hahayaan na ganon lang,” he said, assuring me with a smile.

Pinakinggan ko ang sinabi niya at di na masyadong nag-isip pa. Maybe I’m overacting. Di pa pala siya sanay sa ganito. I should really understand him.

Nang makauwi kami ay tahimik lang, tulog siguro sila Dio. “Punta ka muna sa garden, Rei, sundan kita after,” sabi ni Syd sa akin. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

I didn’t question him at sinunod na lang siya. Pagpunta ko don, I was shocked to see, it has a little set up. I teared up at lumapit ako.

Ang simple pero ang memorable para sa akin.

“Happy birthday, baby,” he said, hugging me from behind. Nagulat ako pero hinayaan ko siya.

“Sorry dahil nalimutan ko ang birthday mo. I don’t have any reasons dahil alam kong mali ako dahil nalimutan ko ang importanteng araw para sa’yo,” he apologizes.

“I don’t know if you are still mad but if you are, then it’s okay. Your feelings are valid. I know andaming pumapasok diyan sa utak mo, na you are overacting about it but no, nararamdaman mo ‘yan so wala akong dahilan para pigilan ka diyan. Sorry that I made you feel that way.” He added, clinging to me even more. It just made my heart at ease.

I wasn’t mad, not even a bit. Nagtampo lang ako pero wala na rin naman ‘yon.

“Sana nakabawi ako,” sabi niya pa sa akin at hinarap niya ako sa kanya. I cupped his face, “)ahit di ka bumawi, okay lang,” sabi ko.

“Sorry na ito lang ang nagawa ko para sa’yo, but I hope it’s enough to make you feel better,” sabi niya. Wala naman ako masabi dahil di ko alam ang dapat kong reaksyon.

Kumawala siya sa pagkakayakap sa akin at hinila ako palapit don sa may blanket. May cake doon, may nakasulat pa.

“Blow your cake and have a wish,” he said. I closed my eyes.

I wish to be with him forever.

“Wish mo ba, Rei, na maging asawa mo siya?” sigaw ni Cisco sa may bintana. Natawa naman ako nang tumingin ako sa kanya.

“Shut up, bruh! Yung mga walang tinulong diyan dapat wag bumoses ha,” Shan shouted back, and raised his middle finger.

“So you did all this?” I asked. He nodded at kamot-ulong binaling ang ulo sa ibang direksyon. Nahiya pa siya.

“Yuck, pababy si kupal,” Exis sarcastically said and rolled his eyes.

“Pwede ba kumain na tayo? Happy birthday, Rei. Kuripot ni Abel pancit canton lang hinanda, walang lechon,” Centi said at kumuha ng isang drumstick.

“Wag niyong pakainin ng lechon ‘yan ha, naiirita ako,” Chico said na kakarating lang galing sa loob ng bahay.

We just chuckled and ate the food. It’s special not because it’s my birthday but because I’m with them, especially with my boyfriend.

Ang saya kapag alam mong panalo ka.

Hours passed and we are still here, kaso nasa pool area naman kami. Nag-iinuman lang sila. Si Cisco, lumapit sa akin. Si Shan at inakbayan ako.

“Tulog na tayo,” he whispered in my ear and I nodded in response.

Di na kami nagpaalam sa kanila, since wala din naman silang pake sa amin.
“You smell liquor, Shan. Maligo ka muna,” I said and pushed him to the bathroom. Sinunod niya naman ako.

Inantay ko na lang siya at nagpalit ng pantulog. I did my skincare earlier bago kami pumunta sa poolside. Sinamahan pa niya ako mag-skincare, aantayin niya raw ako.

I decided to lay down on my bed. I scrolled down my feed while waiting for him. I saw a photo posted by him. It was a picture of me on the beach when we were in his province. There is a short caption.

To my Rei.

Happy birthday, baby. Sorry that I forgot such an important day. I know you did cry and it’s my fault. Today, as a special day, I want to thank you for everything you did for me in the past and today. I was grateful to have you as my boyfriend. I hope you did enjoy your birthday tonight. I cannot put some special message here for you but I’ll say it for you properly. Happy birthday again!

(Took this pic while we were alone)

– Shan”

I was in tears. He publicly said it. Hindi ko masasabi na ito ang first time but I was deeply moved.

To be loved is to be known.

Bumukas ang pintuan ng CR at lumabas si Shan doon. Pinapatuyo niya ang buhok niya gamit ang tuwalya. He is just wearing the pajama na binili ko para sa kanya.

Nang makita niya ako ay tinabihan niya ako sa kama. He is worried. I sat up on the bed and I hugged him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked worriedly. Binaon ko lang ang mukha ko sa leeg niya.

“Thank you.” Ayan lang bukod-tanging nasabi ko. Di niya siguro alam ang rason pero di ko na lang sinabi pa.

“Let’s sleep. Napagod ka today, wala ka pang pahinga,” sabi niya sa akin while he softly rubbed my back.

Pinatay niya ang ilaw at tinabihan ako. Niyakap ko siya. “I love you, Shan,” I mumbled. I can feel his heartbeat, medyo bumilis iyon.

“I love you even more,” he said back, kaya tiningala ko siya at ngumiti. Inayos ko ang posisyon ko at hinarap ko siya. His eyes are closed.

“Nagtutulugtulugan ka na naman,” I said and pinched his nose hard. He crunched his nose.

He tackled me suddenly and tickled me. Natatawa naman ako, at naluluha na. I can’t even breathe dahil ang bigat niya rin.

“Stop,” I said, putting both of my hands on his chest. Huminto naman siya at tiningnan ako sa mata. He wiped my tears.

Humiga siya sa tabi ko, tumagilid siya at tiningnan ako. I stared at him too. Effortlessly handsome, always.

“Thank you for becoming my boyfriend. I was lucky to have you,” he said and smiled.

“No, I was lucky to have you,” sabi ko, pero inilingan niya lang ako. “I was luckier to have someone who is proud of me in everything,” dagdag niya. Magsasalita sana ako but he shushed me.

“Okay na,” he smiled.

He smiled and kissed me. Hindi na ako nagulat, I go with the flow.

Alam niyo na kung saan ‘yon papunta—just kidding.

38

ABEL
.

Tapos na ang trip namin sa La Union, we stayed there for days. Wala naman nang pasok so we are free naman. Bumawi ako syempre, it was a great experience.

“Where should we go next?” Rei asked habang inaayos ang buhok niya.

“Ikaw, saan mo gusto?” I asked him. Tumigil siya at tiningnan ako.

“Sa province, matagal na kitang gustong dalhin doon,” mahina niyang sabi at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa niya.

“You sure?” I asked again and he nodded.

Tinabihan niya ako sa kama, we rested on the headboard. I was playing with his fingers, it was my favorite thing to do now.

I’m humming a song, he is thinking something again. “Shan,” he called softly. “Hmm?” I responded and looked at him.

“Do you think I’m strong enough to face everything?” he asked. He is staring at the white ceiling. Ang dami sigurong pumapasok sa isip niya ngayon.

“If you are ready to face everything, then go. Just don’t run away,” ani ko. Tumahimik lang siya. We fell in silence, just comfortable silence.

Sa sitwasyon na meron kami ngayon, tatagal kaya kami? Madalas ito ang tanong sa utak ko na hindi ko maikwaksi. Di naman ako nagseryoso sa mga ganitong bagay kaya di ko alam.

Ganito rin kaya ang naiisip niya? Gusto ko magtanong kaso di ko alam kung papaano ko iyon sasabihin.

MAURICIO

Nang maitanong ko ‘yon sa kanya ay wala naman akong masabi. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

I really want him to go with me there, kaso ang gulo ng pamilya ko. Me and my step-sisters are not okay and alam kong kinukuha pa rin ni Papa ang loob nung tatlong anak ni Babi.

It’s hard to live like that. Ako, nasasaktan para kay Papa. They still hate him. I can take all the humiliation but I just cannot see him being treated like that.

Mahina ang loob ni Papa, I knew it the first time we saw each other. Ayaw ko naman takbuhan ‘yung problema dahil alam kong lumalaki na.

Ang inaalala ko si Kuya Chico. Sumasali siya sa away naming pamilya. He is part of the family, he is the real cousin of my three sisters.

What do I do?

Inilagay ni Shan ang ulo niya sa hita ko. He is facing the white ceiling. “What are you thinking again?” tanong niya na para bang nagaalala siya.

I sighed.

“I’m scared, I don’t think I’m ready to face my family,” I said, fidgeting my fingers. Wala akong masabi. I’m worried what would they think?

“Hey,” he called out at tiningnan ko siya, “andito lang ako,” sambit niya. Those short words made me feel at ease.

“Kung di ka pa ready, take your time. Di mo sila kailangang harapin kung takot ka pa. Maghihintay ako kung kailan mo ako ipapakilala sa pamilya mo,” sambit niya na nakatingin sa akin nang diretso. Di ko matanggal ang mata ko sa kanya.

They hold something I can’t figure out. “Sa ngayon, kung di mo pa kaya, okay lang. Take your time, baby. ‘Wag ka na mag-isip nang kung ano-ano pa. I’m here, okay,” sambit niya at hinarap ako. He held my hands.

“‘Wag ka mag-worry, kasama mo ako. If they are not going to accept us, then it’s okay. Aalis tayo, malayo sa kanila,” he added, assuring me. He hugged me, rubbing my back also.

Pinagdamit ko siya dahil wala siyang damit at baka magkasakit. Di ako makatulog. Si Shan, tulog na—pagod kasi eh. Parang ako, hindi na pagod. May parang bumabagabag sa akin.

I opened my laptop at nag-scroll sa IG ko. Usually ay wala namang happenings, update lang naman nila Cisco sa feed nila. Nagko-comment din ako not until a message popped up on my inbox.

It was Ate Morgan.

Moggie:
When are you coming back home?

Me:
Next week po, Ate.

Delivered lang message ko kaya di ko inantay na i-seen niya.

Moggie:
Conan…

Ayan lang nakalagay. Mahaba ‘yung message pero ayaw ko i-seen, para bang ayaw ko mabasa ‘yon.

Moggie:
Conan, Dad had an accident including Tito Kai. You need to come home now. We don’t know if they will survive. Just come home.

Isinarado ko ang laptop ko. I was in a state of shock. Di ako makaiyak. Nagising si Abel.

“Ano’ng nangyari?” he asked worriedly. He came up to me, di naman ako makapagsalita.

“Abel…” I called out, tearing up.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” ulit niyang tanong pero di naman ako nagsalita.

“Talk to me, may nangyari ba?” he asked again. Wala akong masabi. It’s all blank. Ang bukod tanging maisip ko ay si Babi and Papa.

“Abel, si Babi and Papa…” ayan lang nasabi ko at hanggang doon na lang. Nagmadali si Shan na kunin ang susi ng kotse niya at ang jacket niya.

“Let’s go. Your family needs you,” ani niya at hinila ako. Umupo lang ako nang tahimik, hindi ako umiimik.

Di ako nagpa-panic pero kinakabahan ako. Ayaw ko mag-isip nang kung ano-ano. Mahaba rin ang biyahe namin bago makarating sa ospital. Pumunta kaagad ako doon sa mga nurse para magtanong. Binigay naman nila sa akin kung ano’ng number ng rooms.

Nakita ko sila Ate Morgan kasama ‘yung dalawa niyang kapatid na babae. Tiningnan lang nila ako. They also looked at him.

Pagpasok ko, sobrang lamig. Bukod tanging ‘yung monitor lang ang nagsisilbing ingay doon.

I broke down before I even got close to them. Inalalayan naman ako ni Shan. Pumasok sila Ate Morgan.

“The accident happened earlier before sila pumunta sa Manila to surprise you. They were in the car. They didn’t see the truck in front of them, pumailalim sila, Conan. That’s what happened and now Dad is in critical condition. Tito Kai is in a coma and the doctor said… they don’t know if they are going to survive. The best thing we could do is to look after them,” she said, then sighed.

“Your tears won’t do anything, Conan,” Ate Maggie said and scoffed. “It’s your fault why my dad is here,” she added.

Tumingin si Shan sa kanya. Pinigilan ko siya dahil alam kong sasagutin niya si Ate Maggie.

“It’s not his fault. The accident happened before your parents went to Manila. Ganyan na ba kababa ang pagkakaintindi mo? Do we need to translate it for you in Tagalog for you to understand?” rinig kong sabi ni Kuya Chico na kakapasok lang. Lahat kami napatingin sa kanya.

“You again, Chicago. Akala namin di ka na dadating. Dapat di na pala. Makikisali ka na naman sa away pamilya namin,” rinig kong sabi ni Ate Maggie.

“I have the right to interfere with your family, remember that,” sabi ni Kuya Chico. Nagtitigan lang silang dalawa ni Ate Maggie, para silang nagpapatayan.

“Stop it,” ani Ate Morgan at pinaglayo silang dalawa.

“Chicago and Maggie, kung mag-aaway lang kayo dito, doon kayo sa labas. Nakita niyo na nga ang sitwasyon ngayon tapos nagkakaganyan kayo,” I heard her say, halatang naiinis rin siya.

“Kumain na ba kayo niyan, kasama mo Conan?” she asked me. I nodded. The last time me and Ate Morgan saw each other, di pa kami nagkaka-ayos. Di ko alam kung ngayon ay ayos na ba kami.

Ako ang naging bantay dito sa loob ng ward. Lumabas silang lahat. Si Shan bumili ako ng tubig dahil nagpapabili ako.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Babi at Papa. “Babi, Papa, may boyfriend na po ako,” ani ko. Alam kong di nila ako naririnig pero gusto kong sabihin sa kanila.

“Naalala mo, Babi, ‘yung crush ko dati at pinakilala ko po sa inyo? Si Abel po ang boyfriend ko po,” sabi ko at napangiti. Naalala ko noon na pinagselosan pa ni Shan si Babi.

“Mabait po si Abel, Papa. Sobra,” I added and held both their hands. I’m between their bed.

Sana naririnig na lang nila ako. Gusto ko sanang makilala nila si Shan as my boyfriend pero ganito ang nangyari.

I missed them so much. I just wanted them to come back.

—

39

CONAN
.

”
You only live once, Conan. Gawin mo ang mga bagay na alam mong kakayanin mong gawin, sumubok ka lang hanggang sa manalo ka.”
These are the words that are imprinted in my mind the day my Babi told me this.

I miss him. Months have passed, wala namang ganap, so far andito pa rin kami sa hospital. Sabi ng doctor okay na, pero there is only a small chance na magigising sila.

“Matulog ka na, wala ka pang tulog,” bulong sa akin ni Shan at hinawakan ako sa balikat. Totoo naman, wala pa akong tulog simula kagabi pa.

“Okay lang ako,” ayan lang ang sinabi ko.

“Magkakasakit ka niyan, yari talaga ako sa parents mo,” biro niya kaya hinarap ko siya.

“Ang OA mo, Shan,” sambit ko at sinamaan siya ng tingin, kaya natawa naman siya.

“Kaya nga, kaya matulog ka muna. Ako muna ang magbabantay. ‘Wag ka na magyosi ha, naubos mo na yung isang pack. Magkakasakit ka talaga. Gusto mo ba makita ka ng magulang mo nagkakaganyan?” seryoso niyang sabi.

Inilingan ko siya at tumayo. Humiga ako sa sofa, umupo siya sa tabi ko. He carried my hair at kinumutan ako.

“They’ll be fine, baby,” he said assuring me and smiled. Pinikit ko ang mata ko.

ABEL
.

Nang makatulog siya ay pumasok si Chico.

“Bro, andito ang mga kapatid ni Tito Marcus. Labas ka muna, mga kapatid ‘yan ni Conan, ay wala,” ani niya at tinapik ako.

Paglabas ko ng kwarto at tiningnan nila ako, pa-tingin ko pa lang sa kanila ay iba na ang aura nila. They are not intimidating at all, but you can see how much power they hold.

“Good morning po, ako po si Abel Shanti Dolce,” pagpapakilala ko at inilahad ang kamay ko.

“Dolce?” tanong nung babae na parang puputok na ‘yung labi sa sobrang kapal ng lipstick niya.

Kung nandito si Cisco at Centi, inulan na ito ng pangungutya galing sa kanila.

“Yes po,” sagot ko.

“You must be Mr. Dolce’s son. Yung may kabit ‘yon, diba?” sabi niya. Nakita ko siyang kinurot ng babae na isa niya pang kapatid.

Napatingin ako sa kanya, “How did you know? Isa ka rin ba sa mga kabit niya?” tanong ko, kaya nagulat naman siya. She scoffed and raised her eyebrow at me.

Halata namang isa rin ito sa mga kabit. Halata naman sa kanya. Sinasabi niya pa na may kabit ‘yon eh isa rin naman siya sa kabit.

Hypocrite.

“So, why are you here Mr. Dolce? Are you somewhat close to my Marcus and his husband?” tanong nung lalaki na kasing tangkad ko lang.

Magsasalita sana ako pero I was interrupted by Chico.

“No, he is with me and Conan. Kaibigan namin siya,” sagot ni Chico.

We both looked at each other, sinenyasan niya lang ako na manahimik.

Tumango ‘yung lalaki at pumasok sa ward. Sumunod kaming dalawa.

“Not now Abel, you know what situation Conan is in. Di pa rin tanggap ng mga ‘yan ang relasyon ng kapatid nila kay Tito Kai. Bukod tanging kami lang nila Dad at Mom ang tumanggap sa kanila. Wait for Conan,” he sighed.

“Wag ka mag-alala, they won’t say anything about him,” he added.

Wala naman akong balak magsabi sa kanila. ‘Yung bunganga pa lang nung babae na ‘yon, alam na kung anong klaseng tao eh.

Napailing na lang ako at sumunod sa kanila. Nagising si Conan maya-maya, tumayo siya at nag-bless sa kanila. Ni wala pa ngang isang oras ang tulog niya.

That woman spoke again, “Malas talaga ‘yang si Kai sa buhay ni Marcus. Ewan ko ba at ‘yan ang pinakasalan niya.” Tiningnan ito ni Conan.

“Shut up Beatrice, have some respect,” the guy said again.

“Bakit, Veron, totoo naman ah,” she sarcastically said, rolling her eyes.

“Kaya ikaw, Chicago, wag kang gumaya sa Tito Marcus mo,” she said. Halata sa boses niya na totoo dahil may diin ‘yon.

“Don’t be like Conan as well,” she said, looking at him from head to toe. Wala naman akong magawa dahil pinigilan ako ni Conan. Ayaw ko rin naman ng gulo. I have to respect their family also.

Kaya siguro ayaw pa niya kasi ito ang rason. Lumabas kaming tatlo nina Chico at Conan.

“Don’t mind her, Conan. Wala lang talaga preno ang bunganga ni Tita Beatrice,” he said, comforting Conan.

“Uwi muna tayo sa bahay,” aya ko sa kanya dahil wala pa siyang pahinga. Tumango lang siya at di nagsalita.

I’m worried kasi di talaga niya ako iniimik kanina pa. Hinayaan ko na lang, baka pagod pa.

Nang makarating kami sa bahay, pagpasok pa lang namin ay niyakap na ako ni Conan. I stumbled a bit.

He is crying. Hinayaan ko lang siya. Gusto ko umiyak lang siya kung ‘yan ang magpapagaan ng loob niya. I want him to let it out because in the past few months, ni hindi nagkwento or nagsabi sa akin. I was worried na baka sa sobrang pagka-ano niya ay di niya ito kayanin pa.

Niyakap ko lang siya. He just cried in my arms. Sumisigaw siya habang umiiyak pero hinayaan ko. Hinaplos ko ang buhok niya. Ilang minuto rin ganoon ang sitwasyon namin.

He sobs, “I will be here, don’t cry anymore. Mamamaga ang mata mo niyan,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Ayoko na, nakakapagod na, Shan. To please my family and to be part of it. Nakakainis, di pa ba sapat na halos ipamukha nila sa amin ni Papa ang lahat?” he said, sobbing. He even choked on his words.

“I knew we are different from others. Ginusto ko ba ito? I just wanted to express myself for who I am. Just why can’t they accept it?” he added. He cried again.

“Tangina kasi. Ganon na ba kami kasalot sa lipunan para tawagin niyang malas ang Papa ko?” he asked.

“Don’t say that. Hindi kayo ganoon,” sagot ko sa kanya at hinaplos ang likod niya.

“I saw my parents struggling, pleasing them to accept their relationship. They take all the humiliating words until they grew tired from it and realized that no matter how much you explain and make people understand you, they won’t—because their mind says otherwise.” he explained.

I don’t get what’s wrong with marrying a man. If they can’t accept, bakit ang dami pang sinasabi?

They are all in pain. Masakit para sa akin na makita si Conan na nagkakaganito dahil sa pamilya niya. It’s so hard to see and to take. That all these years, ito pala ‘yung nae-experience niya. That’s why he never wanted here.

Huminto siya sa pag-iyak. Sinisinok na lang siya ngayon. We stayed like that until he calmed down.

“Conan,” I called out softly. Hindi niya ako sinagot, pinaglaruan niya lang ang dibdib ko. He is drawing something from it.

“Masaya ako na nagkwe-kwento ka sa akin pero wag mo isipin na iba kayo sa ibang tao. You are human too, at para sa akin kayo yung mga taong special dahil kahit dumaan kayo sa ganyan ay nanatili kayong matatag,” sambit ko at tumingin sa ceiling.

“Alam mo, you don’t have to please your family to accept you. Kung hindi ka nila tatanggapin as your family, then it’s okay. Kung di nila kayang tanggapin kung sino ka, so what? There are a lot of people who will accept you, Rei,” sabi ko sa kanya at hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo niya.

“You have a lot of family to call. My family is your family, Rei. Remember that. Tanggap ka ng mga taong tinuturing kong pamilya. They love you as a family also. So what kung ayaw sa’yo ng pamilya mo, right?” I added.

“I get you. You are in pain and all of us dumaan na sa ganyan. It’s normal. Okay lang mapagod pero wag susuko. Your parents still need you, Rei.” ani ko at niyakap siya.

Ayan na lang ang huli kong sinabi at niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit. Sumiksik ang mukha niya sa leeg ko.

The next time they say something about him like that, I’ll let them taste their own medicine.

40

ABEL
.

Pagkagising ko ay bumaba ako sa kama, tulog pa rin siya hanggang ngayon. After niyang umiyak kagabi ay nakatulog na siya.

I softly wake him up para sabayan ako maglakad sa tabing-dagat.

“Rei, wake up, samahan mo ako,” aya ko sa kanya. I kissed his cheeks when he sat up in front of me. Kinusot niya ang mata niya. Di naman na gano’n kahalata na umiyak siya pero mas okay na rin.

Hinintay ko muna siyang matapos maligo habang tinitimplahan ko siya ng gatas niya. Ramdam kong may yumakap sa akin. “Good morning, Shan,” he said.

“You okay now?” I asked. Di siya sumagot pero tinanguan niya ako. Di na basa ang buhok niya, siguro ay nag-blower na ito sa kwarto.

“Bakit ba ang aga mo akong ginising?” he asked while sipping on his cup. “Lalakad tayo diyan sa labas,” sabi ko sa kanya at tumabi sa kanya sa upuan.

He put his head on my shoulder, hinayaan ko na lang siya. We are just in silence but calming, kami lang tao dito sa bahay. Hindi naman daw siya uuwi at di muna babalik sa Manila.

“Gusto mo na ba bumalik sa Manila? For sure sila Cisco hinahanap ka na,” sambit niya at tiningnan ako.

“Hindi naman nila ako hinahanap. Mas ikaw nga hinahanap nila. Gusto nga nila pumunta dito kaso mag-iingay lang sila dito,” paliwanag ko sa kanya. Si Cisco talaga ang nagpupumilit na pumunta sila dito, may bahay naman daw kasi si Chico.

Si Chico ayaw din kasi, lahat pagtitripan ni Cisco, Centi, at Exis.

“Papuntahin mo, I’ll be fine with it. Pwede naman sila magstay sa bahay ni Lolo,” sabi niya pa. Tumango na lang ako. Gusto ko tuparin muna ang gusto niyang gawin.

Lumabas kaming dalawa at naglakad muna kami papunta sa dagat. Binigyan ko muna siya ng slippers pero di pa naman gano’n kainit kasi ala-singko pa lang naman.

As we walk I hold his hand, we looked at each other and smiled perfectly. Habang naglalakad kami ay inaasar ko siya.

“Ikaw ha, crush mo pala ako dati,” sabi ko sa kanya. Natawa naman ako.
“Eh ano naman, Shan? Ikaw nga eh kung sino-sino pinagseselosan mo, pati tatay ko dinamay mo,” sabi niya sa akin. Sinuntok ako sa braso.

“Sorry ha? Ganito lang ako,” may pagka-OA kong sabi. “Ang pangit sa’yo, nagmumukha kang engot.” He laughed.

Natawa naman ako sa sinabi niya. Hinubad niya yung slippers niya at pinahawak niya sa akin.

Naglalakad kami malapit sa dagat at nagkukuwentuhan. We hold our hands together tightly. The waves that make sounds and the birds.

But his laugh stands out more in my ears. Ang sarap magmahal pala kung siya. Napangiti ako sa pag-iisip non. Napansin niya kaya nagtanong siya sa akin.

“Bakit ka ngumingiti?” he curiously asked. Wala akong sinagot at nginitian lang siya. “Don’t think too much,” sabi ko na lang sa kanya.

Huminto kaming dalawa. We stand both watching the sunrise. It was beautiful, just like the person next to me. I smiled even more thinking that the person next to me is mine now.

I’ll be forever grateful to have him in my life. The first time we saw each other was like a dream to me now.

Akalain mo ’yon, noon kaibigan lang ang turing ko sa kanya at ngayon hindi na. The first time our hands touched, I felt the electricity running down my spine, my stomach churned as if there is something in there that I cannot figure out.

Before, I never believed in love, but when I met him love felt like forever. Gano’n ko ’yon made-describe.

Hindi ko man matandaan ang unang pagkakataon na nagkakilala kami, okay lang, at least ngayon naaalala ko lahat sa umpisa.

Sana habang-buhay kami na lang dalawa. Kung hindi, ipipilit ko.

“What are you thinking now?” he asked kaya nabalik ako sa wisyo ko.

“You,” I said. He blushed, it was visible kaya natawa ako at ginulo ang buhok niya.

“Ang ganda ng boyfriend ko,” sabi ko kaya hinampas niya ako, “Nambobola ka pa,” sagot niya.

Umiling ako. “May tanong ako,” ani niya, tiningnan ako.

“Paano kung di nila tayo tanggapin?” he asked. In his eyes it’s full of hope.

“Kung hindi nila tayo tatanggapin, aalis tayo, malayo sa kanila. Wherever you go, I’ll go. Whatever you want, I’ll want. Kung anong desisyon mo, susundin ko. I’ll be here when everybody’s against you, even your family. I’ll be here when times feels heavy. Wala kang dapat gawin, gagawin mo lang ay tanggapin ako,” sabi ko sa kanya.

I don’t know if it’s connected to what he asked, but I hope my answer makes him not doubt anymore.

Niyakap niya ako kaya niyakap ko rin siya. Bumitaw kami sa pagkakahawak sa isa’t isa. We looked at each other passionately.

“I love you, Abel,”
he said in a soft voice. He looked at me softly. Those eyes that I never want to stop looking at me.

”
I love you more, Conan
,” I whispered, but he heard it.

I love him more than anything. After I said that, we shared a passionate kiss under the sun. It was deep yet memorable.

We kissed for another day to start up. There is something I’ve always wanted to say:

Conan was strawberries, I was cigarettes. I thought strawberries could never be paired with cigarettes. But now all I can say is—what a perfect match.

—

CONAN

When we shared our first kiss before, it was good. It feels good, and now that we kissed like this again, there is that feeling that it was my first time again.

Ang swerte ko na siya ang boyfriend ko. He proved everything—that he will try to catch me when I’m falling.

He tried to be the best partner. Kung may pagkukulang siya, ayos lang sa akin. Lahat naman ng tao may pagkukulang at okay lang ’yon. Hindi ko hahanapin sa iba kung ano man iyon.

He showed what is the best for the both of us. Noon lang, I was just admiring him.

Noon lang, kinukuwento ko lang na crush ko siya. Ngayon ay boyfriend ko na siya.

Ang dami niyang ginawa para sa akin. It was the best experience for me. Ang daming memorable para sa akin na nangyari sa buhay naming dalawa habang magkasama—and those memories will remain a strong proof that love has no gender. You can love whoever you want.

When it comes to love, don’t love those who will take you for granted. Don’t love someone who will make you feel unseen, unloved. Love someone who will make you feel loved and seen.

Love someone who will want to know you even if you are together now. It’s important, because like everybody else says

To be loved is to be known.

Don’t ever settle for less. Never beg a man to stay with you when he doesn’t even want you anymore.

Don’t let everything happen because you wanted it. Let everything fall into the right places at the right time.

Love someone who will love you the same.

Si Abel ang masasabi kong lalaking nakikita ko na kasama ko sa future. Kahit iyakin siya kapag nagseselos, pero never niya akong hindi pinasaya.

He always makes me happy and I’ll always admire him for that. Little me always dreamed of a man like him and those dreams are now real.

Love is supposed to describe him because whenever I’m with him, I see him that way. Life is better with him.

Strawberries and cigarettes cannot be paired, but now it was a perfect match.

—

see you sa epilogue !

EPILOGUE

MAURICIO
.

WARNING
:
SLIGHT MATURE

Nandito ako ngayon, nakaupo sa damuhan. Si Abel, nakatayo lang sa tabi ko, may hawak na bulaklak.

Hinaplos ko yung dalawang lapida sa harapan ko ngayon at napangiti.

“I miss you, Babi and Papa,” mahina kong sabi.

Inilapag ni Abel yung bulaklak sa gilid. “Hello po, mga Tito,” sabi niya at umupo sa tabi ko. Hinagod niya ang likod ko dahil alam kong maiiyak na naman ako.

Dalawang taon na ang nakalipas simula nang mawala sila sa buhay ko. Masakit pa rin at di ko pa rin matanggap hanggang ngayon.

Namatay sila that day nung nagising sila. Akala ko okay na eh. Akala ko back to normal na lang kaagad, kaso wala rin — hanggang doon na lang.

I introduced Abel to them again. They are happy, yet there is a hint of sadness in their eyes. Binalaan nila si Abel. Natawa nga ako sa reaksyon ng lalaking ‘to — di na maipinta ang mukha. Pero masaya ako ngayon na despite everything na pinagdaanan ko, hindi nawala si Abel. Andiyan lang siya, naghihintay, kasama ko at ginawa kong sandalan.

He stayed by my side until I healed.

Hindi ako iniwan kahit
pinagtutulakan ko na siya two years ago. Pero may isang bagay ako na hindi malilimutan na ginawa ni Abel para sa magulang ko. At masaya ako na they both died in each other’s side.

They both died, but never their love for each other.

Ngumiti ako ng mapait at niyakap si Abel. “Thank you sa lahat, Abel,” sabi ko sa kanya at hinalikan siya sa pisngi.

“No worries, baby. Sabi ng mga magulang mo sa akin, ‘Wag daw kitang iiwan — huhuntingin daw nila ako hanggang sa kamatayan ko,” natatawa niyang sabi. “Katakot.”

Tinawanan ko lang siya at hinampas sa braso. “Kidding. Bakit kita iiwan? Ang tagal kong hinintay ‘to, tapos iiwan lang kita? Hindi pa sapat lahat ng ‘to para sa mga ginawa mo para sa akin,” dagdag niya at pinisil ang pisngi ko. Feel ko tuloy matatanggal mukha ko ngayon.

Ngumisi lang ako sa harapan niya. Medyo OA ang isang ‘to. Namana niya siguro sa baliw niyang mga kaibigan na sila Cisco. Napailing ako ng natatawa.

“We should go, sila Exis nag-iintay na. Mukhang tanga kasi yung lalaki na ‘yon — akala mo mamamatay na kapag di nakita si Gene. Mahal na mahal, masyado. Natatakot ata mawala sa kanya,” natatawang sabi ni Shan at tinulungan akong tumayo.

“Hayaan mo na. Akala mo naman di ka patay na patay sa akin ha,” puna ko sa kanya. Akala ko ay magsasalita pa siya, pero hindi na.

I don’t know where we are going. Ang alam ko lang may pupuntahan kaming party.

It was arranged by Cisco. Gusto niyang mag-celebrate. Invited naman kaming lahat, mga tropa niya. Ewan ko kung sino pa mga ininvite niya.

Pagdating namin sa bahay ni Cisco, kakagising lang niya. Wala pang damit, kaya napatingin naman ako — makisig din ang lalaking ‘to. Napatingin naman siya sa akin at ngumisi.

Baliw
.

“Eyes on me, Rei,” rinig kong sabi ni Shan sa akin at hinarap niya ako sa kanya.

“Tumataba ka na siguro, Shanti, kaya wala ka nang abs. Iba na tinitingnan ni Conan eh,” natatawa niyang sabi habang palapit sa amin.

Di naman totoo ‘yon. Namangha lang ako sa katawan niya. OA rin kasi ang isang ‘to. Akala mo lahat ng tao, pinagpapantasyahan siya.

“Hoy, Cisco, anong pinagsasabi mo diyan? Yari ka talaga sa nililigawan mo,” banta ko sa kanya at tinulak ang balikat niya. Kung umasta, akala mo walang nililigawan.

Cisco is not yet settled. Di ko alam kung anong inaantay niya. I mean, di pa siya nagsesettle kasi di pa naman siya sinasagot.

Pag-akyat ko sa hagdan, nakita ko kaagad yung lalaking kasama niya palagi. He is just wearing a big hoodie — galing kay Cisco.

Gulat siyang napatingin sa akin, para bang nakakita siya ng multo. Agad siyang pumasok sa kwarto ni Cisco, at ako naman, diretso sa guest room kung saan kami natutulog ni Radio.

Pagpasok ko, bungad kaagad sa akin yung bulaklak na lilies at roses. May letter pa ‘yon at kanta ni Taylor Swift na Timeless.

You’re always gonna be mine

We’re gonna be

I’m gonna love you when our hair is turnin’ gray

We’ll have a cardboard box of photos of the life we’ve made

And you’ll say, “Oh my, we really were timeless”

— Taylor Swift

Inamoy ko naman yung bulaklak na ibinigay niya.

”
Happy anniversary, baby. I love you.”

From: Your biggest baby.

Napangiti ako don, may isa pa siyang regalo. It was a necklace. Grabe, Abel, ganyan ka ba talaga magpangiti? Walang alinlangang kong pagiisip.

Bumukas yung pinto at lumitaw si Abel. “I guess you’ve seen the gift,” he chuckled towards me, kissing my forehead. Pinalupot ko ang braso ko sa bewang niya.

Nakatingala ako ngayon sa kanya.

“Don’t look at me with those eyes, Rei,” aniya at pinisil ang pisngi ko.

May binulong siya sa akin at nagtaasan ang balahibo ko. Kinilabutan tuloy ako.

”
Y
.”

Hinampas ko siya. “The heck are you saying?” iritado kong sabi at tinarayan siya. Binuhat niya ako at pinalupot ko ang binti ko sa bewang niya.

Once again, I was lost in his eyes.
“Give me a kiss,” sabi niya sa akin at ngumiti. Grabe, ang gahaman sa halik.

“What if I don’t want to?” biro ko sa kanya, nagkukunwari pa akong naiinis. Natawa naman siya.

“Then I’m the one who will do that.” Sumilay ang mapaglarong ngiti niya. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita, hinalikan na niya ako.

They were smooth — dahan-dahan lang. It’s like I was melting because of it. Pinalupot ko ang braso ko sa leeg niya.

Damn, this is good, mura ko sa utak ko. “Ngh,” I moaned between the kiss. Nagulat naman ako kaya tinulak ko si Abel ng bahagya.

Nakatingin ang mga mata niyang namumungay sa akin. His lips are red. He is thirsty — alam ko ‘yon. Kaso, hindi ako handa.

I can even feel his hardness down there, kaya namula ako at napatakip ng mukha.

Natawa siya sa ginawa ko at ibinaba ako sa kama. Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko. Hinawakan niya ang palapulsuhan ko at binaba ‘yon. Natawa pa siya sa pamumula ko. At ito na naman — sinisinok na naman ako.

“Ayaw mo ba?” tanong niya. Di naman ako makasagot sa kanya. Seryoso niya akong tiningnan.

Di pa ako handa, literal. Aligaga ang mata ko. “Hey, it’s okay if you’re not ready yet. I can wait, Rei,” he tucked my hair behind my ears at hinalikan ako.

“Tell me when you are ready, baby,” sabi niya at pinagdikit ang noo naming dalawa. I looked at him a bit shy dahil paano siya…

Tinuro ko yung ano niya at mas natawa siya, kaya hinampas ko siya.

“Damn, Rei, you are so funny!” tawa niya, kaya hinampas ko siya ulit.

“I’ll deal with this right now. Join me after, shower tayo sabay,” sabi niya sa akin at pumasok sa loob ng banyo. Ako naman ay nagtalukbong nang makapasok na siya sa banyo.

Nakakahiya. Para akong walang kaalam-alam sa mundo. Di naman ako inosente — may alam naman din ako.

Baka akalain nitong si Shan na wala akong experience. Napasabunot ako sa ulo ko at binaon ang mukha ko kay Snoopy na stuffed toy. Regalo niya sa akin ‘to nung nakaraang linggo.

After we both showered — isang oras din kami sa bathtub. Naglaro ng bula. Nahihiya nga ako dahil parehas kaming walang damit, tapos nakasandal ako sa kanya habang naliligo.

Napag-usapan din namin ang mga kaibigan namin. Si Radio — he is gone. Para siyang bulang naglaho. Ayon pala, nasa Switzerland na at doon pinagpatuloy ang pag-aaral niya. Kay Syd naman — he is already moving on. Malayo-layo pa pero I know he will make it.

Si Centi naman, kaaway pa rin si Percival. Di ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay nagaaway sila.
For Kuya Chico, di ko pa nameet yung tinutukoy niya, but I knew something off is happening.

Ayaw niyang ipakilala sa akin yung tao. Di ko alam kung babae o lalaki ba ‘yon. Kasi ang chismis, lalaki na mukhang babae.

Nabalik lang ako sa wisyo ng tawagin ako ni Abel. “What are you thinking?” tanong niya. Pero umiling lang ako.

“Sure?” he asked again. Pero tumango lang din ako at pinaglaruan ang kwintas na binigay niya.

“Baby, let’s dance,” aya niya sa akin kaya napatanga ako ng tingin sa kanya. Baliw ba siya? Saan kami sasayaw? Dito?

Tumayo siya sa kama at nag-play ng CD sa may player. He is just wearing sweatpants. Kitang-kita ko yung brusko niyang katawan na natatamaan ng araw. His white skin is shining because of it.

“May I?” inilahad niya ang palad niya at malugod ko namang tinanggap ‘yon. The song Grow Old with You by Joseph Vincent as our background.

”
I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad. Carry you around when your arthritis is bad. All I wanna do is grow old with you.”

Inilagay ko ang aking palad sa balikat niya at ang isa niyang kamay ay nasa bewang ko, while our other hands were intertwined.

I smiled even more.

“I love you,”

I mouthed.

“I love you more,”

at nginitian ako.

Ang sarap magmahal. Ito yung pangarap ko — talagang mahalin siya ng sobra.

I’ll miss you, kiss you. Give you my coat when you are cold. Need you, feed you. Even let you hold the remote control.

Inikot niya ako gamit ang isa niyang kamay at sinalo niya ako, not until I rest my head on his shoulder while our hands are still intertwined.

“So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink. Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink. Oh, I could be the man growing old with you I wanna grow old with you.”

Nang matapos ang kanta, gusto ko lang ay ganito kami — kaming dalawa. Just feeling the presence of each other.

Para sa akin, ito lang ang lalaking gusto kong pakasalan at tumanda kasama ko.

We will remain in each other’s presence forever.

I was in love with my cousin’s best friend, Abel Shanti Dolce.

DOLCE
.

This is the best feeling ever — when my boyfriend is in my arms right now. Sobrang dami pala naming pinagdaanan bago kami makarating dito.

Hindi man gano’n kasakit o malungkot ang storya naming dalawa, pero para sa akin, ito ang pinakamaganda.

Ang ganda ng kasama ko at ng pakakasalan ko.

Si Rei lang ang nagpatunay na kamahal-mahal ako, kahit sa dinadami kong problema sa buhay.

He loves my flaws — everything about me. Pero mas mahal ko kung sino man siya, at ‘yon ang nagpatunay na walang kapantay ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

I fell in love with my best friend’s cousin, Conan Reil Mauricio.

“Rei, I wanna grow old with you. Do you want to?”

”
Yes, I wanna grow old with you too, Shan.”

—