String Of Lights

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author.

Prologue

Move

Ibinaba ko ang kamay at ipinatong sa aking tiyan, hinayaan na lamang na humalik ang sinag ng araw sa aking mukha.

I love how light always finds a way to kiss me and remind me to look for the beauty in the gloom, no matter how dark it appears.

There is always light behind the dark clouds, a gleam of rainbow after the heavy rain, and the golden hour after evening twilight.

That’s how I perceived everything. Gusto kong manatiling positibo, sa kabila ng mga negatibong ibinabato sa akin ng nakapaligid sa akin.

I never felt so free before. Sure, they’re still judgments, and it’s worse than what I’ve expected, but being free from my mother’s comparison put me at ease.

Lola is three times stricter than my mother, but I love her parenting. I love that she focuses more on building up our weaknesses than comparing us.

My life might be perfect for being one of the wealthiest clans here in Caraga Region, and we are always praised for the beauty we possess, but the dirt of our parents scarred the almost perfect life we could ever have.

I closed my eyes when my mother’s hurtful words rang in my ear.

“Don’t forget that you are the first Ferrarin before Abrielle. You must do good. Dapat mas matalino ka, mas maganda, at mas angat sa lahat ng bagay sa kanya. Or else, Abrielle will get the attention you deserve the most. She will be favor by your father the most.”

“But Mama, she’s my sister.”

“Gusto mo bang may kahati, Ayeselle?” she interjected.

It saddens me why my mother viewed my relationship with Abrielle as a competition. I’m glad that the loneliness I have from being the only child has finally broken. I am not tolerating the dirt of my father, but I just can’t hate Abrielle.

My thoughts were interrupted when I felt a shadow over me, but before I could open my eyes, the ball immediately landed on my face.

The rush of footsteps slowed down as I roughly pulled myself up and opened my eyes. Sa matindi kong iritasyon.

Nilingon ko ang paligid at nakita ang naka half-jog na lalake, inangat ang mga kamay bilang pagsuko at itinuro ang volleyball players sa di kalayuan.

“Hindi ako,” he said, but he’s wearing a PE uniform.

This liar! I picked up the ball and stood. Inilahad ko sa kanya ang bola habang nagiging mabagal na ang paglalakad niya. He watched the ball carefully, as if he didn’t trust me. I smiled.

“Kunin mo,” sabi ko.

He stepped forward more, his hand ready to claim the ball. But before he could get it, I threw it against his face. He stepped backward and winced in pain while his eyes squinted a bit. The ball then bounces on the ground and rolls away.

“Sabing hindi ako!” marahas niyang sabi, hawak na ang kanyang ilong, at nagulo pa ng kaonti ang buhok.

“Hindi ikaw, but you’re wearing PE!” I shouted.

“Bakit ba? Inutusan ako ng mga Junior High! Grade Eleven na ako!” he showed his ID.

I had a glimpse of his name. Tanging rison ang nakita ko lalo na’t natatabunan iyon ng kanyang hinlalaking daliri lalo na’t nadistract din kung gaano siya ka seryoso tingnan sa kanyang school ID. Probably Prison? Ang pangit ng pangalan!

The ball rolled on his feet. Before it could get away, he used his foot and threw it up skillfully, like how soccer players pick up the ball, and caught it with his left hand while he continued talking to me.

“Sino bang nagsabing humiga higa ka rito sa field?” aniya, ang bola ay inipit na sa gilid ng kanyang baywang.

I was amazed at first at what he did to the ball. Tumikhim ako at marahas siyang tiningnan.

“Ano ngayon kung humiga higa ako rito?” I glared at him.

He shook his head, turned his back, and raised his hand, finally cutting off the conversation. Na mukhang ayaw niya nang makipagtalo pa.

“Tamad,” I heard him whisper.

My blood boiled to the core. I immediately took off one of my shoes and threw it against his back. Ang gagong ito!

He stopped, his head glancing over his shoulder. I saw his brows knit, as if something were making him so irritated.

“Mas bobo ka!” I fired back, pissed and ready to throw a fit.

“Bobo?” he scoffed. “Baka mahiya ang grades mo sa grades ko. Kadugo ka pa naman ni Ashtraia,” he said carefully.

What’s the meaning of that?

“Then show me your grades! Mukha ka ngang bobo eh! Kunwari matalino, pero bobo pala!” I said, full of determination to make my point.

Humarap siya sa akin ng buo. His eyes dropped to the floor, and he picked up my shoes and walked toward me. He handed me my shoes. I was about to get it when he threw it far. Namilog ang mga mata ko nang lumipad iyon sa malayo.

Paglingon ko pabalik sa harap, nakalebel na ang mukha niya sa akin na medyo ikinagulat ko dahil sa pagyuko niya. I saw the determination in his eyes, as if he were in war and ready for a great defense.

“Akin na ang grades mo. I’ll show mine by the end of this quarter. Tingnan natin kung sino ang bobo sa ating dalawa,” he said with conviction.

My confidence was slowly eroding. Knowing that I am not that academically good and that it’s one of my insecurities, it made me worry more.

But I’m sure that this guy isn’t smart! Mukha namang hayok sa babae ang mukha! He’s just putting up a front to boast his red marks!

Sira ang mood ko buong araw. Noong sinundo, tumakas na naman si Ashtraia sa kanyang sundo, so hindi ko man lang makasabay.

Tumatakas din naman ako kay Lola paminsan minsan. Pero kung pagod ako, o irita, deritso ako sa mansyon para sa kakahuyan manatili.

After hours of waiting for Ashtraia, I knocked on the door of her room. Binuksan ko iyon at sinilip, saktong nakita ko siyang dumaan sa bintana at nag-ambang magtago sa mahahabang kurtinang sumasayaw.

“It’s me,” said ko.

She tilted her head and raised her brow. Lumabas siya nang tuluyan, habang pumasok naman ako at isinara ang pinto.

She dropped her bag on the floor and started unbuttoning her blouse. Umupo ako sa kanyang kama habang pinapanood siyang maghubad.

“May kaklase ka bang… Prison?” I asked carefully.

“Prison?” nalilito niyang banggit.

“Hmm, ‘yung mukhang bobo. ‘Yung lalakeng mukhang hayok sa babae. Gano’n.”

“Kung bobong kaklase,” nag-isip isip siya. “Marami naman.”

At kasali siya roon? O baka nga siya pa ang nangunguna. Knowing that she care less about her grades.

“Sabi niya, kadugo pa naman daw kita. But I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

“Kadugo, which means you’re pretty too.”

Parang duda ako doon. It doesn’t sound like a compliment, more like an insult.

“Baka si Trison?” as if she immediately remembered it.

I nodded abruptly. Mukhang siya’yan.

“Yung top one ng klase? President ‘yon lagi,’” she said nonchalantly while pulling the zipper down of her skirt.

My jaw dropped. Top one?! President?! What the hell? That boy is smart?! Parang hindi naman halata!

“Baka naman average lang. Like eighty-five?”

Her skirt fell on the floor as she tossed her blouse onto the sofa. Naglakad siya patungong walk in, kaya sinundan ko siya at pinulot ang palda niya.

“Laging perfect sa exam. Sa Quiz. At pambato ng aming section dahil matalino. I think his lower grade is ninety seven?”

Putang ina? Habang sa akin, seventy-nine! Binaliktad lang ng mababa niyang marka!

Hindi ako halos nakapagsalita. Nagpatuloy si Ashtraia sa paghahanap ng masasuot.

“At Hindi ‘yon mahilig sa babae. That’s what I know, because he’s never linked to girls.”

Parang nabuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. Ninety ang pinaka malaki kong grades. Sa P.E. pa ‘yon at Math naman ang pinaka mababa.

Kinabahan ako. Ako pa ang malakas na nanghamon tapos… ako pala ang lalabas na bobo rito. But he told me to show my grades at the end of the quarter.

O baka nakalimutan niya rin naman ‘yon? Right. I should avoid him. But isn’t that a cowardly move? I should show him that I am not even scared! Baka this quarter bumagsak siya! Babagsak ‘yon, sigurado ako.

Chapter 1

Sorry

I have to keep up and do good to prove to everyone that I am not just a pretty face. I am so sick of hearing, “Maganda nga pero patingin nga ng grades.”

All of the people around me are just like my mother. They judge me based on my academics.

I wanted to be part of the top list so bad. Gusto kong pag rumampa ako, may suot akong medalya at isa sa mga nakapasok sa matatalinong estudyante. Yes, I shouldn’t let these judgments define who I am, but having high grades is an asset.

“Oh, ayan na ang bobo,” one of the boys said when I passed them.

I glanced at him. He smirked.

“Boboo ng buhay ko,” he fired as his friends cheered for him.

I rolled my eyes and continued walking as I heard them making a fuss about it.

I know that some of the students here are judging me based on my other cousin’s behavior. Playgirl. Hindi nag-aaral ng maayos. At ganda lang ang ambag.

Ashtraia is the most notorious playgirl among us. Sure, I can play with boys too, but those aren’t my priorities at all. Ayos lang kay Ashtraia, kahit wala siyang friends, coz the boys entertain him, but for me, grade is important.

Gusto kong makipagkaibigan. Gusto kong may kasama sa group study at makihalubilo nang wala akong naririnig pag tatalikod na. But because I am a Ferrarin, knowing that we are very well known, kahit kaonting galaw ko, kaonting mali, ang dami agad nasasabi.

“Sorry late ako,” pagmamadali kong tumakbo patungo sa gymnasium suot ang aking uniform para sa practice sa cheerdance.

I saw the hostility in my team. Nags-stretching pa lang naman at hindi pa nagsisimula ang practice, ngunit ramdam ko agad ang mga galit nilang pasiklab na.

“Manang mana kay Ashtraia. Nanlalake pa siguro,” I heard the whispers.

“Kahit ‘yung kapatid niya, kabi-kabila ang lalake. Mga Ferrarin talaga.”

“Nasa kabilang dance troupe ‘yon pero sabi nga nila grabe rin daw. Araw-araw paiba-iba.”

I didn’t mind it as I placed my bag on the floor, crouched a bit to open it as I pulled out my water bottle, and joined them afterwards.

Inilapag ko lamang iyon para mas madali kong makuha maya maya. I saw how they eyed it when I placed it somewhere near their mineral water.

“Nagmamayabang pa. Eh ano ngayon kung mamahalin ang lalagyanan mo ng tubig?” they started making a fuss about it.

“Oo nga. Akala niya siguro maiinggit tayo?”

I sighed and went to my usual position. Dumating ang aming dance instructor na si Ma’am Hernandez na P.E. teacher sa eskwelahang ito.

We started our practice in the open space of the school. Nakikita ko ang soccer team sa bandang dulo, at ang lower grades na malapit lamang sa amin na mukhang nag-aaral ng martial arts.

Pinatay ni Ma’am Hernandez ang music at iritang tumayo sa aming harapan. She showed the proper execution of the steps and pointed out each of my team’s mistakes.

“Ayeselle, come in front. Ulitin mo ‘yung steps nang makita nila,” ani Ma’am Hernandez.

Tumango ako at nagtungo sa harap. I did the steps that Ma’am Hernandez was talking about. I counted on it in my mind as I let my body follow its lead.

“Gano’n dapat,” ani Ma’am Hernandez at tiningnan ako. “Thank you.”

I smiled and nodded. I felt relaxed a bit, but then, when I saw the critical judgments in their eyes, my confidence slowly vanished.

Nagtungo ako sa bench at kinuha ang aking tubig. Binuksan ko iyon at ininom habang napupunta ang tingin ko sa lower grade. My eyes abruptly found their leader, who is the one who’s teaching them and who’s wearing a black belt.

Halos maubo ako nang mapagtantong iyon ‘yung lalakeng nakaalitan ko tungkol sa grades. It’s Trison!

W-What? Akala ko soccer player siya dahil sa galing niya sa bola. But he’s… teaching martial arts. More on taekwondo.

Ang seryoso niyang tingin sa mga estudyante habang nakahalukipkip ay nadala sa akin, na para bang matagal na akong nakatitig kaya napuna niya.

I quickly took my eyes off him. Bumalik ako sa practice at nagsikap na aralin ang bagong turo ni Ma’am Hernandez.

Pagkatapos ng aming practice ay nanatili muna kami para sa anunsyo ni Ma’am Hernandez para sa magiging flyer.

“Ayeselle Estice Ferrarin,” ani Miss Hernandez. “Ikaw ang magiging flyer for this season.”

I gulped as I nodded slowly. Kita ko ang iritasyon ng iba, ngunit may iilan na ngumisi. After Ma’am Hernandez dismissed us, noong kinukuha ko na ang aking gamit, rinig na rinig ko ang usapan nila.

“Bukol siya kasi walang sasalo sa kanya,” hagikhikan nila.

“Sa first practice natin, sabihan natin ang boys na huwag siyang saluin para mapilay siya at hindi na makasali. Bida bida talaga. Akala mo kung sinong maganda. Eh halatang pinapaboran lang naman ni Ma’am Hernandez, kasi malapit ‘yon kay Donya.”

“Tingnan mo kanina, pinapunta pa sa harap eh, ang pangit nga ng tindig niya. Mas magaling pa ako eh.”

Sometimes, a part of me wants to confront those kinds of things, but the more I stand up for myself, the more they’ll come to me. As if showing courage by saying I could fight back means I am challenging them more to come for me.

Iniisip ko iyon habang naglalakad nang bigla akong mapatid ng kung sino at sumubsob sa sahig.

I groaned when my face kissed the bermuda grass! Naghagalpakan ang mga lower grade at kahit ang aking team na nakasunod, tawang tawa.

Mabilis akong tumayo, halos hagilapin ng aking mga mata kung sino ang may pakana nang makitang si Trison iyon.

My hands turned into fists. My eyes heated. Sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko, sa kahihiyan, ang pag-amba niyang magsalita ay sinundan ko na ng suntok sa dibdib niya.

His eyes narrowed. The lower grade started cheering, as if they were going to witness a ramble between me and Trison.

“Ang tanga naman,” they started laughing more.

“Maganda sana eh, tawa nilang muli.”

I picked up my bag off the floor. Hinawakan ni Trison ang aking kamay ngunit sa iritasyon ko, marahas kong hinambalos sa kanya ang aking bag kaya nabitiwan niya ako.

I saw the irritation in his red face. I glared at him with bloodshot eyes. Gusto ko mang magsalita, ngunit sa tawanan, bulungan, at hagikhikan, parang nalalamon ako.

Agaran akong umalis doon. Iritang irita kung bakit lahat sila, ayaw sa akin. Pinalis ko ang luha pagkapasok sa kotse at pinilit na lamang kalimutan ang lahat.

I know that the townspeople hate us after the demolition because of Lola’s big project, which is the hotel. Doon daw nag-umpisa ang galit ng mga mahihirap sa amin. Lola is one of the most respected people in Caraga Region, but some of them hated her for the demolition.

Ang dami dami kong naririnig na matapobre, mapagmataas, at ang mga pangit na sinasabi nila kay Lola. But I do believe that she’s not like that. Lalo na’t marami siyang charity na tinutulungan. Marami siyang donations. Her facade might create a bad impression of herself, but she’s good.

I don’t hate her. Or maybe I am just trying to see the good in people who were painted as evil.

“Nakahanda na ang gamit mo, Miss Estice,” my own maid, which is Rea, placed my things on the bed.

Nakita ko ang water bottle na pinagkaguluhan kahapon na iba na maman ang kulay ngayon.

“Wala bang mineral water, Rea?” Tanong ko habang inaayos ang aking PE na uniporme.

Her brows knitted as she shook her head. “Wala po…”

“Uh, huwag mo nalang ‘yang isali. Bibili nalang ako sa labas.”

She looked curious, but she nodded slowly. Pagkatapos kong tingnan ang sarili sa salamin at makontento sa simple kong ayos, kinuha ko na ang aking mga gamit.

“Nasa’n ang bracelet mo?” tanong ni Abrielle, nang umupo ako sa kanyang gilid.

Tiningnan ko ang kanyang pulso at nakitang suot niya ang kanya. I smiled and shook my head.

“Sa mansyon ko nalang susuotin.”

Hindi kami magkaklase ni Abrielle pero kapwa kami Grade Ten. Si Ashtraia ay Grade Eleven na habang si Arkaine ay Grade Twelve.

“Malapit na ang birthday ni Ashtraia. Sa hotel daw ba gaganapin ang eighteenth birthday niya, o sa mansyon lang?”

“Sa mansyon siguro…” sabi ko.

“Ang tagal pa natin mag-eighteen,” she sighed.

“Next year. Malapit na rin naman.”

She frowned more. “Gusto ko nang mag-eighteen.”

I looked at her curiously. I know why she’s eager to grow. I noticed that she’s more conscious of herself now. Pansin ko ang make-up niya sa mukha, ang maayos na kanyang mga kuko, at ang pino niyang galaw sa mga nagdaang araw.

“Crush mo pa rin?” I asked.

Her eyes narrowed. But she slowly calmed down and chuckled.

“Pero useless naman kahit eighteen na ako. Alam ko kung sino ang tipo niya,” ngisi niya.

“Sino? Si Arkaine?” siya agad ang naisip ko.

Because among us, Arkaine is like the perfect Ferrarin. Nasa kanya halos ang insecurities namin, maliban nalang kay Ashtraia na parang wala namang insecurities. She’s the most carefree among us.

Matalino si Arkaine, which is my insecurity. Abrielle seems insecure now that she’s too young, and Arkaine is already eighteen and turning nineteen next year, in January.

“Ikaw? Wala ka pa ring tipo?” she shifted the topic.

Umismid ako at Humalukipkip. I am more concerned with my grades. Boys is the last thing on my mind. Or maybe, iniisip ko lang na seventeen pa naman ako.

“Gusto kong maging top one kaya huwag muna ‘yan.”

Her eyes narrowed, and then she smirked at me.

“Hihintayin ko ‘yan, ah?” she smiled.

Ngumuso ako at napangiti na rin. I rested my head on her shoulder as I looked forward to our better days.

Nasa gym kami para sa aming volleyball. I still can’t remember the embarrassing moment I had yesterday. Ang sakit ng ilong ko at idagdag pa ang dibdib ko na medyo malaki kaya halos pakiramdam ko naipit.

And now that I saw Trison approaching while he’s reading some papers curiously, as if he’s not on his senses while walking, bumalik sa isipan ko ang lahat lahat.

Kahapon, pinatid niya ako. Sigurado akong siya ‘yon, kahit wala ako sa sarili ko. Lalo na’t dumaan ako sa mismong harap niya.

I saw him nearing us until he was almost near me. Lumipad na ang bola patungo sa akin, kaya mabilis ko iyong hinampas at saktong tumama agad sa mukha niya.

Nabitiwan niya ang mga papel na hawak na agarang nagsihulog pababa sa sahig habang napaatras siya ng kaonti. We heard how he groaned and shut his eyes. Tumalbog ang bola sa sahig at nakita namin ang hawak niya nang ilong.

“Shit,” mura niya at nakita ko na dumugo iyon.

My eyes slowly narrowed. The teacher abruptly went to him. Pinagkaguluhan din siya ng Iba kong kaklase habang ako ay natatanga pa.

“Ang lakas ng pagkakahampas ni Ayeselle,” my classmates said.

“H-Hindi ah!” I tried to defend myself. “Hindi ko naman alam na dadaan siya.”

I saw how Trison glared at me, but his eyes squinted right away as my teacher pinched the bridge of his nose and coaxed him to tilt forward.

My shoulder loosened. Ngunit nang maalala ang pamamatid niya sa akin kahapon, masakit din naman iyong akin! Mapapalampas ko ang mga salita, pero ibang usapan na pag pisikal!

Isinugod siya ng guro namin sa clinic. My classmates are making a fuss about it and saying it’s my fault. Of course it’s my fault. Sinadya ko iyon, pero hindi ko alam na dudugo ang ilong niya.

“Pinapatawag ka ni Sir sa clinic. At ibigay mo ‘to kay Trison,” isa sa kaklase kong si Diana na matalim ang tingin sa akin habang inilalahad ang mga nahulog niyang papel kanina.

Tinanggap ko iyon. Wala na akong sinabi pa at nagtungo na roon. Kumatok muna ako bago tuluyang pumasok. Nadatnan ko ang nurse, sir Miranda na nakahalukipkip, and sir Trison na nakaupo sa kama.

His bleeding nose has finally stopped, which has put me at ease. Nang makita niya ang pagpasok ko, agarang tumalim ang tingin niya. I glared at him too, but I immediately stopped it when Sir Miranda glanced at me.

“Halika rito,” he said in a serious mode as he gestured.

The nurse looked at me quietly while she was busy on her desk, as if seeing me here was not shocking. Nagtungo ako sa gilid ni Sir Miranda at ibinigay sa kanya ang mga papel.

Trison took it aggressively. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin saglit ngunit agaran kong inalis nang magsalita ang aking guro.

“I saw what you did, Ferrarin,” ani Sir Miranda sa seryosong tinig.

I swallowed. Trison is scowling at me while both of his elbows rest on his parting legs. His dark expression looks so mad.

“Hindi ko siya nakita, sir,” I said to defend myself.

Trison scoffed. I saw how his tongue twisted in his mouth as he played with it mockingly, as if he had caught me lying.

“Say sorry,” ani Sir.

Nanatili akong tahimik at muling yumuko. Bakit ako magsosorry? Hindi nga siya nagsorry na pinatid niya ako!

Sir Miranda sighed heavily.

“‘Yung pinsan niyang si Arkaine, may sinapak na Grade Twelve noong nakaraan. Suking suki ang mga students dito dahil dumudugo ang ilong,” the nurse said, then looked at Trison meaningfully.

“Ano daw ang nangyari doon?” si Sir na nakiusyoso.

“Pinatawag sila sa Guidance eh. Nanghipo raw kaya sinapak niya,” the nurse explained.

Ibinalik ni Sir Miranda ang tingin kay Trison na agarang umiling.

“Katulad ng sinabi ko kanina, masyado akong malayo sa kanya para maabot siya. Kaya paano ko siya hihipuan kung ang layo layo ko?” agarang paliwanag ni Trison.

“Bakit, kung malapit ako, hihipuan mo ako?” I glared at him.

“Bakit kita hihipuan?!” his voice rose, slightly aggressive with the accusation.

Namaywang si Sir Miranda habang pabalik balik ang tingin sa amin.

“Gusto niyo bang dalhin ko ito sa Guidance Office ha?” he asked us in controlled anger.

I swallowed hard. Trison’s lips pursed in a thin line. He glared at me intensely. My teacher looked at me again.

“Ayeselle Estice Ferrarin,” tawag niya sa buo kong pangalan, na huling warning ko na iyon.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed breathily, letting the words come out in a slurred way.

“Ayusin mo,” ang guro sa matigas na tinig.

“Sorry nga,” irita kong tiningnan si Trison.

“Ikaw pa ang galit huh,” si Trison na irita akong tiningnan.

Sir Miranda shook his head as he looked at his watch.

“Dito ka lang, Ferrarin. Magsorry ka nang maayos bago ka umalis,” aniya habang naglalakad na patungo sa pinto.

Sumara ang pinto habang ang nurse ay tumatayo naman at mukhang nagmamadaling lumabas hanggang maiwan kaming dalawa. There is a defeaning silence between us while Trison looks at his paper, as if he realizes something.

Mabilis ang kanyang pagtayo at kinuha ang kanyang mga papel. He slammed the door closed and left.

Nakita ko ang isang papel na nalaglag at pinulot iyon. I read it curiously and found out that it’s his research paper. Sa galit ko sa kanya, pinunit ko iyon at ipinasok sa bulsa ng aking jogging pants saka tuluyang lumabas.

Chapter 2

Even

Nagpractice akong muli sa hapong iyon. I confidently put my mineral water with my things. I smiled when I noticed that no one made a fuss about it.

“Ang hirap na noong steps,” one of my teammates complained.

“Uh… saan ‘yung mahirap? Tuturuan kita,” I offered.

Her expression changed. She shook her head in a serious way.

“Hindi na.”

I slightly nodded and smiled as one of her friends caressed her elbow as they looked at each other meaningfully.

Nag-assign na si Ma’am Hernandez ng mga sasalo sa flyer. Most of them are boys. Si Niel, Cyrus, Lian, at Angelo Pinayuhan din ako ni Ma’am Hernandez na panatilihin ang aking timbang ngayon para hindi mahirapan kung itatapon na ako sa ere.

Overall, I am content with the practice. I saw Trison approaching me with a dark expression. Nakasabit sa kanyang balikat ang bag at sa galaw ng kanyang panga, alam ko na agad kung ano ang nangyari.

I picked up my things.

“Sumama ka sa akin,” ani Trison at hinila ang aking braso.

“Bitiwan mo nga ako!” halos itulak ko siya sa inis ko.

“Magpaliwanag ka sa prof ko,” he said aggressively. “Ngayon ang huling pasahan namin at ayaw niyang tanggapin ang papel ko.”

Oh? Which means… babagsak siya?

Muli niyang hinawakan ang braso ko at kinaladkad ako, kaya sa iritasyon ko, kinagat ko ang kanyang kamay. He groaned as his hand loosened, and he let me go. Tumalikod ako at nag-akmang tumakbo ngunit nahawakan niya ang bag ko at iyon ang kanyang hinila.

“Ano ba!” halos magpumiglas ako bitiwan niya lamang iyon.

“Sumama ka nga sa akin,” desperado niyang sabi.

“Fine! Then let me go!”

Unti-unti kong naramdamang binitiwan niya iyon ngunit nagbabanta ang tingin.

“Subukan mong tumakas…” banta na ikinairap ko.

Naglakad siyang muli kaya sinabayan ko siya. Hindi siya nagsasalita at seryoso, kaya ayaw ko ring magsalita hanggang sa nakarating kami sa faculty room.

Binuksan niya ang pinto at sinenyasan akong pumasok. I glared at him and gestured to come in first. He glared at me back and pushed my back lightly until I went in first.

Inayos ko agad ang ekspresyon nang makitang may mga guro pang naroon at napatingin sa amin. Nilingon ko si Trison na pumasok na rin at isinara ang pinto.

Nilapitan namin ang isang desk ng gurong abala sa gamit at nakasalamin na matandang lalake.

“Sir…” si Trison sa pormal na tinig at nilingon ako sa kanyang gilid.

I smiled a little, but the professor only looked at me strictly.

“Nagsasabi po ako ng totoo, Sir. Naglalaro ng volleyball ang grade Ten kanina at natamaan ako, Sir. Kaya na late ako sa pasahan,” Trison explained calmly.

I can sense that he’s a good student, just like me, who’s trying his best to aim for a high grade.

“Sabihin mo sa kanya,” Trison whispered beside me.

I wanted to lie about it, but I don’t want to fuel the fire anymore. Uwing uwi na ako at kung sasabit pa ako rito, matatagalan lamang ako.

“Opo sir, Nasugod po siya sa clinic,” I said softly.

The professor pulled the drawer out and pulled out his papers. Namili siya ng ballpen sa lalagyan sa gilid at nagsimulang magsulat doon.

“This is deducted. I reviewed your papers, and you didn’t submit some parts,” he said in a thick voice.

“Sir, kumpleto po ‘yan,” si Trison na ramdam ko ang kaba.

He shook his head. “Enough excuses, Alcaraz. Even if you review it yourself, the paper is lacking some parts.”

Lumunok ako at ramdam ang kalabog sa aking dibdib nang maalalang ang papel na nahulog niya sa clinic ay pinunit ko.

“Sir. Last chance, Sir. Kailangan ko po mamaintain ang grades ko para sa scholarship, Sir,” he pleaded.

My shoulder loosened. Napayuko ako ng kaonti nang marinig ko sa kanyang tinig ang pagmamakaawa ko kay Mommy na bigyan ako ng tsansa sa tuwing nakakakuha ako ng maliit na marka.

His professor shook his head. “Matuto kana sa susunod, Alcaraz.” Saka niya muling ipinasok ang mga papel ni Trison sa loob ng drawer.

Trison looked so disappointed. Hindi na siya halos nakapagsalita pa noong lumabas kami. Siguro ay nakalimutan niyang kasama niya ako kaya tumakbo na, hindi ko alam kung saan pumunta.

To satisfy my curiosity, I followed him. I saw him scanning the whole gymnasium as if he were looking for something. Ilang minuto siyang naroon habang kumukonti na lamang ang mga estudyante at tahimik ko siyang pinapanood na parang baliw kakahanap sa papel na nasa akin naman.

Every time I attempted to open my mouth and told him that I tore it apart, I would instead close my mouth. Pakiramdam ko, sa galit niya, susuntukin niya ako.

I sat on the bench quietly as he continued pacing back and forth, watching each corner just to find the paper.

A small pang of pain kept on knocking at me, coaxing me to tell him what happened. Ngunit hindi ko magawa. Lalo na’t galit na galit ako kanya kaya pinunit ko.

After searching the whole gymnasium, he jogged into the clinic. Sumunod ako ng tahimik at nakita siyang sinisilip sa parte ng pintuan na medyo transparent ang loob.

He attempted to open the door knob, but it was locked. Pagkatapos niyang magtungo sa clinic, tumakbo na naman siya patungo sa guard. Nakasunod ako kaya rinig ko ang sinabi niya.

“May naiwan akong papel sa clinic, guard. Kukunin ko lang. Baka naroon,” he said.

“Bukas mo na ‘yan kunin! Nagsialisan na ang lahat. Umuwi kana,” the guard said impatiently while gesturing for him to go away.

Trison clasped his fingers at the back of his neck as he shut his eyes disappointedly. I can sense his immeasurable anger in his clenching jaw and his desperation to find the paper.

I couldn’t approach him, so I decided to leave silently. Noong nilingon ko siya, nakayuko na siya habang iniipit ang kanyang ulo sa mga kamay niyang nakahawak sa likod ng kanyang ulo.

His disappointed face lingered in my mind that night. Kahit ang pagmamakaawa niya sa kanyang professor na bigyan siya ng tsansa dahil may mini-maintain siyang grades. Ang paghahanap niya sa papel na nasa akin naman.

Hindi ako halos makatulog kakaisip noon. Kaya noong sumapit ang umaga at nadaanan ko ang faculty room kung saan niya ako dinala kahapon, pumasok ako.

I saw the familiar prof, who had just placed his bag. Mukhang kakarating lang din.

“Good morning, po,” bati ko habang sinusuot niya na ang kanyang glasses.

He glanced at me as his strict expression remained.

“Ah, ako po ‘yung dinala ni Trison kahapon para sa papers niya na deducted po kasi may kulang,” I explained nervously.

He arranged the text book on his table without giving me too much attention.

“N-Nasa akin po ‘yung kapiraso.” Saka ko ipinakita sa kanya pinunit kong papel kahapon at inilapag iyon sa desk.

Natigilan siya at napatingin sa papel. I swallowed hard.

“S-Sana bigyan niyo po ako ng chance na gawin po siya ngayon,” I said.

“Bakit mo ‘yan ginawa? Nobyo mo ba si Alcaraz at nag-away kayo?”

My eyes narrowed as I shook my head. “H-Hindi po. Nagalit po kasi ako. Kasi pinatid niya po ako.”

He looked at me critically, and I saw the judgment in his eyes.

“Mapapasa niya po sana ‘yan kung hindi ko lang siya natamaan ng bola… at kompleto po ‘yon kaso nahulog niya ang papel sa clinic dahil sa pagmamadali.” I continued explaining.

He sighed and nodded a little.

“This lunch. I need the paper at exactly twelve o’clock.”

Ngumiti ako at Tumango. “Sige po! Thank you, po!”

Hindi ako nag-aksaya ng oras at nagtungo agad sa computer lab para makisuyo na may itatype ako. One of the teachers let me use their computer.

Every time I type the words, I’m amazed at how he properly constructed his sentences. It’s pure English, and the chosen words are simple, yet they have a deep meaning.

Matalino nga siya. At ramdam ko, ang dedikasyon niya sa pag-aaral.

Wala pa lamang lunch, nasa harap na ako ng desk noong professor niya. I placed the paper on his table carefully. He scanned it once while holding the side of his glasses, and then nodded.

“Pinsan mo si Ashtraia, hindi ba?” he asked.

I nodded. “Opo.”

“Bakit gano’n ang batang ‘yon?”

Hilaw ang naging ngiti ko. I don’t need more words to understand what he’s talking about. Magkaklase nga pala sila ni Trison. which means she probably didn’t pass her outputs.

I’m glad that I submitted it before lunch. Absent ako sa dalawang subjects ko at nalaman kong may quiz pa. Come to think of it, gusto ko namang bumagsak si Trison, but isn’t that too cruel? Yes, I purposely tore his paper, but I regretted it immediately.

Pagkatapos ko iyong ipasa ay nagtungo na ako sa faculty room ng aking teacher.

“Hindi ka pumasok kanina,” her strict voice welcomed me.

“May ginawa po ako,” I explained properly, but she looked unconvinced.

“Your cousin is one of my students, Miss Ferrarin. Kung wala ka ring ganang pumasok sa subjects ko, sana sabihin mo nang maayos sa Lola mo nang hindi kami nadadamay na mga guro. I don’t want a bad record. And yet, you are giving me one,” giit niya at halos tumunog ang mga papel na inaayos niya.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am. May ginawa lang po talaga ako kanina. Handa po akong magpasa ngayon, Ma’am. Sana bigyan niyo ako ng chance.” I pleaded.

“Gawin mo ‘yung limang activities at ipasa mo mamaya sa desk ko. Do it today or else I’ll tell this to your grandmother and I’ll give you a failing grade.”

Ngumiti ako at nagpasalamat kay Ma’am. Instead of going into the canteen, I went to the library to do all the activities. May baon naman akong sandwich kaso hindi ko makain kain dahil bawal sa loob. Mamaya nalang siguro.

Sa rami noon, pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako makakapaglunch pa. Pero kung bibilisan ko, maipapasa ko naman agad at doon na ako kakain. It’s still lunch. Makakapasok pa ako sa ibang subjects ko mamaya. At ‘yung isa na hindi ko napasukan ay wala naman daw masyadong ginawa kaya ayos lang.

I was seriously scribbling on the bond paper when someone pulled it up. Tumingala ako at nakita ang galit na mukha ni Trison. My eyes widened when he tore the paper in front of me.

“Nakita ko ang cctv footage sa clinic dahil tiningnan ko para hagilapin ang papel ko. Pinunit mo,” giit niya.

Halos uminit ang sulok ng aking mga mata nang mapagtantong hindi ako makakapaglunch, may next subject pa, at hindi ko pa naipapasa.

Tiningnan niya ang iilan kong papel kaya halos kunin ko ang mga iyon at nagmamadaling umalis.

I know that it’s my fault because I started it. I tore his paper. And I deserved it too. Knowing that I hit him purposefully with the ball just to get back on him.

Naiyak na lamang ako sa iritasyon, at sa gutom. My efforts suddenly vanished. That no matter how hard I tried, it’s still not enough.

Pumasok ko sa isa kong subject at inisip na mamayang uwian na lamang ipagpapatuloy. I was hoping that I could do the remaining activities, but on the next subject, we have a quiz. Sa huling subject ay may reporting pa kaya hindi ko rin naisingit.

After my class ended, I had no choice but not to attend the practice. Alam kong magagalit si Ma’am Hernandez sa akin, pero kailangan kong habulin ang deadline lalo na’t malapit na rin ang exam. Ayoko namang maliit na grades ang makuha ko ngayong quarter.

Maybe it was because of the pressure and my empty stomach that my tears fell on my paper. Hanggang dito lang ba talaga ako? That no matter how hard I try to exert effort or learn, my grades will always remain low.

Paano ba kasi maging matalino?

I envied the smart students so much. I wanted to participate in class too. I wanted to raise my hand every time there was a recitation, hoping I’d remember the lessons I read at night. Kaso nakakalimutan ko. At minsan, napapangunahan pa ng kaba kaya sa halip na sasagot, hindi ko magawa.

A bottle of mineral water was placed on the table, which caught my attention. Tumingala ako, halos nasa mga mata pa ang luha, nang makita ang seryosong mukha ni Trison.

His jaw clenched when he saw my eyes.

“Sinabi ni Sir Ocampo sa’kin,” I could vividly hear the regrets in his words.

Tinabig ko ang mineral water. Ngunit sa kamalasan ko, medyo bukas na pala, kaya natapon ang tubig sa aking papel na agarang ipinatayo ulit ni Trison.

My eyes became more blurry when I saw the splash of water on my papers. It didn’t cause that damage, but my patience is like a sandcastle being washed out by the waves as it finally collapsed.

He swallowed as I saw the worry in his face when our gazes met.

Humikbi ako nang mapagtantong pagod ako buong araw. Ginawa ko ang papel niya, kaya na late ako. Yes, it wasn’t his fault, and I am not blaming him for my reckless decision that led to this mess, but I just want to blow everything out.

“Ikaw ang nagsimula tapos iiyak-iyak ka,” aniya nang kinuha ang aking mga papel at tiningnan iyon.

“Akin na ‘yan!” I tried to get it, but he’s taller than me, more like a six-footer above, so when he raised his hand, I couldn’t reach it properly.

“May practice ka. Pinaghahanap ka ng mga kagrupo mo,” he said in a serious voice.

Hinampas ko ang kanyang dibdib sa iritasyon ko. His brows knitted, as if he were triggered by it, and he said we’d fight again.

“Akin na sabi!”

“Ako na ang gagawa,” he said while clenching his jaw.

“Huwag na!” agap ko. “Ibabagsak mo lang ‘yan!”

He leered at me. “Ako na kaya siputin mo na ang practice mo,” giit niya sa matigas na tinig.

I know that it’s the only choice left if I want this day to end peacefully. He roughly dragged the chair and placed my papers on the table as he silently took the pen off the table.

I think I know what he’s doing. Lalo na’t napagdaanan nila ‘yan. Gusto ko siyang sungitan at isaksak ‘yang ballpen sa kanya, kaso nanatili lamang iyon sa aking isip.

Kinuha niya ang mineral water at ibinigay sa akin nang walang sinasabi, ang tingin ay nanatili sa aking mga papel.

I took it roughly and left silently. Tumakbo ako patungo sa gym at halos makita ko ang naghihintay na mga iritadong mukha ng aking team.

I was too occupied to mind what they said to me or those usual whisperings I always get.

Ilang minuto na practice, ramdam ko ang hingal ko. Naubos ko na rin ang tubig na dala nang sumulpot si Trison at nilapitan ako habang binigyan kami ng break.

Inilahad niya sa akin ang mga papel na mukhang natapos niya. I took it on his hand carefully as I scanned it.

“Hindi ako ang pumatid sa’yo kung ‘yan ang ikinakagalit mo.”

Natigilan ako. He turned his back and didn’t say anything anymore. Kumunot ang aking noo habang iniisip ang sinabi niya.

Bumalik ang tingin ko sa aking mga papel at napagtantong natapos niya nga. We’re now even, I guess?

Chapter 3

Carefree

Nakatingin ako sa pagdidistribute ng mga papel at kabadong sinundan ang guro na isang inilapag ang mga activities na ipinasa.

Ma’am Lim  slowed down and stopped beside me as she placed my papers on my desk and looked at me meaningfully.

“Congrats. You’ve got the highest score, Ferrarin.”

My eyes slowly narrowed. Halos malaglag ang aking panga nang tingnan ko iyon.

“Huh? Highest siya? Matalino ba siya?” I can hear the giggles of my classmates.

“Ginoogle siguro ‘yung answer. Mayaman sila.  Afford nila ‘yung premium,” ang iba kong kaklase.

I scanned each paper curiously. I checked his answers too. Ito ang kauna-unahan kong makakuha ng pinakamataas na score pero hindi naman akin.

A part of me felt happy that I gained higher grades, but another part of me isn’t satisfied at all, because, as I know, some of these weren’t even my hard work.

How did he ace it without sweating? How did he finish it so abruptly? Ganoon ba ka bilis gumana ang utak niya na babasahin niya lang, maiintindihan niya agad? Makakahanap agad siya ng sagot? How did his mind even do that?

Palaisipan iyon sa akin. Our top student, Clarissa, is also a fast thinker like that. Hanga ako lagi sa tuwing tatawagin siya sa recitation, kahit ata nakatanga lang, masasagot agad ng utak niya. She doesn’t stutter and doesn’t look nervous. She always has that confidence and determination that she’s speaking facts.

“Now from the top!” si Miss Hernandez nang nasa open space ulit kami para sa aming practice.

We are already practicing the crucial parts, which are mine as the flyer. Naalala ko ang usapan ng mga girls, but the boys are eager to catch me. But there’s something about it that sometimes bothers my mind.

Nasa isip ko iyon habang papauwi na nang bigla itong huminto ang SUV na sundo ko.

“Naku… Mukhang may natalsikan tayo ng putik, Ma’am,” ani Manong at tarantang tiningnan ang salamin.

Lumingon ako at natataranta ring tiningnan kung sino. But when I saw Trison’s familiar image—his white uniform with stains of mud—I calmed down.

Oh, it’s just him. Again.

Ibinaba ko ang salamin ng kotse at inilabas ang aking ulo. I tilted it and smiled at him. Trison’s eyes slowly narrowed when he realized it was me.

“Sorry,” I smiled innocently.

His eyes abruptly gleamed with irritation. Ibinalik ko ang aking ulo sa loob at isinara ang salamin ng bintana.

“Tara Manong!” I giggled.

It didn’t end there. Ang mga araw na sumunod, sa tuwing magkikita kami, ay talagang isa lagi sa amin ang minamalas. Either it’s him, or it’s either me.

Nagtipa ako ng mensahe para sa driver na naghihintay na sa labas sa akin. I was clumsily striding fast when someone bumped into me. Ang hawak niyang kinakain ay tumalsik sa akin kaya halos dumikit ang ketchup sa aking puting blusa.

“Sorry! Nagmamadali ako—” The sudden panic in his voice trailed off as he was about to hand me his handkerchief when he realized it was me.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Trison at sabay rin ang pag-ismid naming dalawa. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kaniyang panyo at nahawakan na iyon ngunit agaran niyang hinila pabalik. I pulled it again, but he’s determined to pull it back and use his full force.

Nadala ako sa marahas niyang pagkakahila kaya natabig ko ang hawak niya at lumundag paalis ang kinakain niya sa lalagyan.

His eyes narrowed as we both watched how the orange egg rolled to the ground. Tumikhim ako at kusang binitiwan ang kanyang panyo. His eyes drifted toward me with so much annoyance. Tumalikod ako, nag-aambang tumakbo ngunit agaran niyang hinawakan ang braso ko.

“Tatakas ka pa talaga ha,” irita niyang sabi at hinila ako.

“Ano ba! Kasalanan mo naman ‘yan!”

“Yan lang ang pera ko. Bayaran mo ‘yan,” he insisted as he dragged me.

“Magkano lang ba ‘yan?! Fifty?!”

“Sampong piso!”

He dragged me until we went outside the school just to buy the food I accidentally elbowed. He took off his polo uniform and hung it on his shoulder, revealing his well-ironed white t-shirt while we’re walking to the stall of street food he was eating earlier.

Lumingon siya sa aking blouse. Nasa dibdib ko pa ang stain ng ketchup kaya bumaba rin ang tingin ko doon. Kinuha niya ang puti niyang unipormeng isinampay niya sa kanyang balikat at inilahad sa akin.

“Oh,” aniya.

I looked at it first.

“Bahala ka kung ayaw mo,” akma niyang babawiin kaya kinuha ko agad.

Isinuot ko iyon at ibinutones hanggang tumigil kami sa harap ng matandang babae na nagbebenta noong kinakain niya kanina. Ngumingiti na si Trison sa matanda at kumukuha na ulit noong kinakain niya habang irita ko namang inilabas ang aking pitaka.

I took the five hundred and handed it to the old lady.

“Heto po, Lola,” ngiti ko.

Trison is already biting the orange ball while looking at the money I handed.

“Naku hija! Wala ka bang barya? Wala pa akong panukli,” the old lady complained and scratch her head.

Binuksan ko ang aking wallet. Trison tilted his head just to see what was inside my wallet.

“Tang… ina,” he cursed when he realized that I don’t have a smaller bill aside from the five hundred.

Tumingin ang matanda kay Trison. “Baka meron kang barya, hijo. Wala akong sukli sa pera ng girlfriend mo.”

Sabay na nanlaki ang aming mga mata at sabay ding umiling.

“Hindi po kami, La!” agaran kong sabi.

“Hindi ko ‘yan girlfriend, Nay,” si Trison naman.

The old lady just laughed. Hilaw halos ang ngiti ko, ganoon din si Trison na medyo nagkakasalubong din ang kilay. He took out his wallet and gave it to me. Kinuha ko iyon at halos irapan siya nang muli niyang ipinagpatuloy ang pagkain.

I opened his wallet and saw that he had coins. Kung may papel man, iyon ay ang bente. Kinuha ko ang bente at ibinayad sa matanda.

“Heto po…”

“Sige kuha ka pa ng dalawang pares, hija. Sampong piso lang naman ‘yan,” ngiti niya.

Napatingin si Trison sa akin, parang may pagtutol pa. Tumango ako at kumuha ng stick saka ginaya lamang ang ginawa ni Trison. Tumusok ako ng isa at litong tiningnan ang sauce na nakabandera.

“Dito mo isawsaw,” turo ni Trison sa pinagsawsawan niya.

I dipped the orange egg into the sauce, leveled it on my lips, and blew it softly. Magkakasalubong ang makapal na kilay ni Trison habang pinapanood niya ako at mabagal na ang pagkakanguya.

“Ang arte,” he commented and pricked another ball of orange egg as he took it into his mouth and just licked his lower and upper lip, his other hand clutching it as he leveled it on his mouth while chewing.

I took a half bite, but then I realized that it was spicy.

“It’s spicy!” nagmamadali kong paypay sa aking mukha.

Ngumisi si Trison. Halos gusto ko siyang saksakin habang nangingiting nagbayad kay Lola.

“Isang buko juice, La… Baka malason ‘to sa sobrang arte,” ani Trison kaya tumawa si Lola habang nagsasalin na ng buko juice para sa akin.

I smiled at her and sipped on it immediately.

“Akin na ‘yan,” si Trison na nag-ambang kunin ang hawak kong stick.

“Akin ‘yang isa!” banta ko habang hawak niya ang aking pulso at iginiya iyon sa kanyang bibig.

Isinubo niya ang kalahati. Kumalma ang aking ekspresyon at pinili ang sauce na hindi maanghang. Kinagatan ko iyon ng kaonti at medyo nagulat dahil masarap naman pala! I took another bite while smiling at the old lady.

“Masarap po, Lola!”

“Oh? Ngayon ka lang ba nakatikim nito?” ngiti niya.

I nodded and took another bite. Umismid si Trison at akmang kukunin ang kaniyang wallet nang pinigilan ko siya. He leered at me.

“Isa pa. Babayaran kita mamaya pag may barya na ako.”

He tsked and opened his wallet again. Kumuha siya ng dalawang sampong piso at nagbayad. Tumusok ulit ako ng isa habang nakahalukipkip na lamang si Trison, pinapanood akong magiliw na tumutusok noon.

“Ano pong pangalan nito, La?” Tanong ko nang tumusok ulit ng panibago.

“Ah tokneneng, hija…”

Tumango ako at kumuha ulit ng panibago. He opened his wallet and paid for it again.

“Inubos mo na ang barya ko,” halos masira ang ekspresyon niya.

“Babayaran nga kita,” giit ko.

“Heto Nay,” malambot ang tinig ni Trison nang magbayad ulit.

“Nakakatuwa naman kayo,” ngiti ni Lola sa amin.

Trison and I looked at each other slowly. He crossed his arms to his chest while his hostile eyes seemed to be judging me. Hanggang balikat niya lamang ako. I noticed that his eyes are a bit different, darker, and rare in this province. It reminded me of the gloomy sky when it’s raining and was completely the opposite color of my eyes, which are amber.

Siguro sa madalas naming away ay hindi ko naman talaga siya tinititigan lalo na’t nandidilim lagi ang aking tingin, at hindi ko naman pinapansin ang kabuuan niya, kung gaano ka itim ang kanyang buhok, kung guwapo ba siya sa aking paningin o hindi, ngayon lang dahil medyo tinitigan ko siya sa kuryosong paraan.

“May lahi ka ba?” tanong ko.

I saw how his expression turned dark, as if I had said something offensive. Madali lang naman talaga siyang mairita sa akin, pero ngayon, parang iba.

“Bakit?” He sounded cold.

“Because the color of your eyes is foreign? It’s gray,” patuloy ko.

Hindi siya sumagot.

“May lahi ka ‘no?” tusok ko sa kanyang tagiliran gamit ang stick.

He leered at me. “Ubusin mo na ‘yang kinakain mo,” his voice thickened.

“May lahi ka. Lahing aswang!” Halakhak ko at muling tumusok. Irita niyang tiningnan ang ginawa ko, kaya sumenyas ako na isa nalang.

Now I’m a bit curious. Sino ang may lahi sa magulang niya? His mother? His father?
Naglalakad na kami pabalik sa eskwelahan nang kuryoso ko siyang nilingon.

“Sinong may lahi sa parents mo? Mama mo? O Papa mo?”

“Dami mong tanong,” he said snobbishly, his thick brows knitting more.

Napansin ko na galit siya katulad noong galit niya nang sabihin ng kanyang prof na deducted ang papers niya. It’s the same anger.

And since he doesn’t want to answer it, I just let it slip. ‘Tsaka parang ayaw niya ring pag-usapan?

Pinalabhan ko kay Meredith ang uniform ni Trison na ginamit ko hanggang pauwi. I also made sure that I have a smaller bill, which is one hundred, so I could pay for the money he used.

“For our next activity, we’ll talk about the basic stances of taekwondo that you will perform at the end of this quarter,” ang aming PE teacher sa umagang iyon.

Nagbulungan ang mga kaklase ko. I can hear their hyped voices, pertaining to the grade Eleven students.

“Yes, Guerrero,” si Sir nang inangat ni Diana ang kanyang kamay.

“Ang mga Grade Eleven po ba ang magtuturo sa amin ng basic stunts, Sir?”

Tumango si Sir Hernandez at napunta ang tingin sa akin.

“One of the most skilled students is Trison Wallace Alcaraz, a student in grade eleven who’s teaching basic martial arts. Isa siya sa magtuturo sa inyo,” ani Sir.

Naglingunan ang mga kaklase sa akin, na para bang lagot ako dahil sa nangyari noong nakaraang araw.

“Siya rin ‘di ba ‘yung nagtuturo ng Arnis sa Grade Nine students?” Rinig ko ang bulungan nila.

“Oo. Hakot awards daw ‘yon sa mga martial arts eh. black belter nga rin. Kung hindi lang talaga kriminal ang ama magiging crush ko pa siya,” saka sila nagagikhikan sa likod.

Natigilan ako.

“Oo nga. Matalino siya. Tapos may itsura kasi may lahing Amerikano ata ang tatay niya? Athletic din ‘yung mga kaibigan niya at magaling siya sa martial arts. Nagsosoccer siya noong Grade Seven kaso huminto sila ni Draven eh. Mas nagfocus siya sa martial arts.”

“Kaklase siya ng ate ko. Mabait daw at hindi snob sa labas pero madalas tahimik pag nasa classroom na. Hindi raw madidisturbo kasi laging nag-aaral.”

“Balak daw no’n mag-aral sa Manila. Nakakaturn off lang talaga, kasi anak ng criminal. Hindi na ako magtataka kung mababalitaan ko naging kriminal din si Trison. Kung ano pa naman ang puno, gano’n daw ang bunga.”

“Pero crush na crush siya ni Tessa at Diana. Kinikilig nga sila roon sa kanta ni Britney Spears. Mama I’m in love with a criminal’s son, daw,” at hagikhikan ulit.

His father is a criminal. Is that the reason why his mood suddenly changed when I asked about his parents?

Somehow I felt bad for him. Hindi ko alam na may ganito palang kumakalat tungkol sa kaniya. Well, I hate him, and we used to fight, but I never heard him talk shit about my clan. So I guess bringing it up to see if we’ll fight again is unnecessary at all.

Lalo na’t naalala ko, galit na galit siya noong pinagbintangan ko siyang nanghihipo. The anger in his eyes lingered in my mind, and I memorized it because of the fast change in his dualities. Gumalaw agad ang kanyang panga, tumalim ang tingin, at dumilim ang ekspresyon sa isang sigundo lamang.

“I know most of you here know Trison. He’s a Grade Eleven student, a black belter of Judo and Taekwondo, and he will guide you in the basic techniques for your martial art activity,” ani Sir Hernandez nang pinakilala na ito noong pumunta kami sa gym.

Trison stood in front of us seriously, his hands clasped behind him. He’s taller than Sir Hernandez. Hanggang balikat lamang siya ni Trison.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Trison. Sa tingin niya pa lang, alam kong iniisip niya agad ang utang kong barya sa kaniya.

“He’s going to teach you for a week. Kung may mga hindi kayo alam, you can ask him so he could guide you properly,” patuloy ni Sir.

Tumango kami. Tinapik ni Sir Hernandez ang kanyang balikat habang kinakausap niya ito na seryoso namang ikinatango ni Trison.

Nang umalis na si Sir, pinatayo niya na kaming lahat. Maybe it’s because of his serious face that he looked intimidating, and his eyes are superior as well, which is why all of us are eager to follow his instructions. He looked a bit strict, as if the boy I had bickered with in the past was completely his opposite.

“Magsimula tayo sa basics,” ani Trison nang tumalikod siya.

He showed the basic moves of Taekwondo. Isang beses niya lamang itinuro at hinayaan kaming gayahin iyon.

“Mali ang tindig mo,” sita niya sa akin. “From the top. Everyone.”

Umungol ang aking mga kaklase at matalim akong nilingon.

“Hindi naman mali ah?” I argued.

Ang palakad lakad niya ay tumigil at nilingon ako. He looked hostile, and the judgment in his eyes was very visible. Naglakad siya patungo sa akin at huminto sa aking harapan mismo. He crossed his arms till his chest and watched me strictly in the eyes.

“Gusto mo bang ikaw nalang ang magturo?” may panghahamon sa tinig niya.

I was about to say something just like how we both bickered with each other when I heard my classmates joined us.

“Papansin talaga,” ang mga kaklase ko.

“Hayaan mo ‘yan, Trison. Papansin ‘yan. Nagmamarunong,” they countered.

Medyo natigilan ng kaonti si Trison sa mga pinagsasabi ng aking kaklase, marahil ay hindi niya inaasahang sasali sila at ganoon ang sasabihin sa akin. He looked at me once again but in a more curious way, the hostility in his eyes vanished as his serious expression remained.

Iniwas ko ang tingin at hindi na lamang nagsalita. Nadala ako sa emosyon ko lalo na’t nasanay naman akong ilabas ang saloobin ko kay Trison at hindi natatakot sa sasabihin niya sa akin. I’m always carefree when we’re bickering with each other.

“Again from the top,” si Trison na umalis na sa aking harapan.

Chapter 4

Enemy

I got so distracted that I felt like I was really doing it wrong. Napapansin kong napapatingin siya ngunit hindi niya na ako pinupuna. My other classmates noticed my mistakes too, and I can hear them whispering behind me.

“Nawalan tuloy ng gana punahin ‘yung mali niya. Ayan kasi nagmamarunong.”

“Ano ‘yang pinag-uusapan niyo sa likod?” From the top!” puna ni Trison kaya muli kaming umulit.

“Watch your hand movements,” puna niya sa isang kaklase naming babae na pangatlong beses na ata iyon.

“Sorry guys…” ngiti niya sa amin.

My classmates didn’t make too much comment about it, sa halip, natawa lang din sila at sinabi ng iilan na ayos lamang. I can feel the unfair treatment of my classmates toward me. Pag ako ang nagkamali, parang ang laki agad ng galit. Ngunit pag-iba, ayos lang.

I purposely made another mistake to see if Trison was willing to correct me. I noticed how his eyes went to me like a hawk that caught a fish in the sea but dropped it back to set it free. Hindi niya nalang ulit pinuna kahit lantaran niya akong nahuling nagkakamali.

It created a hollow feeling in my stomach. Ako ang naunang umalis sa gym pagkatapos ng aming class hour sa P.E. Dumeritso ako sa faculty room, kay Sir Hernandez.

“Ayaw mong sumali sa practice?” lito niyang tanong nang ilabas ko ang hinaing ko. “Tungkol ba ito kay Alcaraz? Humingi kana ba ng patawad sa kaniya?”

“Ah… opo. At mukhang galit pa po siya sa akin, kaya gusto ko po sana na ako nalang ang magturo sa sarili ko. Nasa YouTube naman po ‘yung basic movements.”

Sir Hernandez looked at me critically.

“Mas makakatulong pa rin kung alam mo saan ka nagkamali, Ferrarin. Alcaraz has been a professional martial arts trainer since he was in eight grade. He’s one of the skilled students that can guide you through the basic movements of Taekwondo.”

Hindi ako makasagot. He sighed and closed the book he was reading.

“Gusto mo bang dalhin ko nalang ito sa guidance office nang mapag-usapan niyong dalawa ang problema niyo sa isa’t isa—”

“Huwag na po!” agap ko.

“Sigurado ka ba? Dahil mukhang hindi pa kayo maayos.”

Agaran akong umiling. “Ayos naman po kami.”

His brows furrowed more. “Then what’s the problem? Kung ayos naman pala kayo… anong problema?”

Telling him about the mistreatment of my classmates towards me will just fuel their hatred for me. Baka mas lalo akong tuksuhin at asarin na papansin lamang o sipsip sa guro dahil nagsusumbong ako.

“Baka naman crush mo si Alcaraz kaya nahihiya ka?” ani Sir Hernandez kaya namilog ang aking mga mata.

“Hindi po!”

“Hmm… Alam ko na normal naman ‘yang magkaroon ka ng crush, but learn to set it aside, Ferrarin. Dapat inspired ka nga eh,” patuloy ni Sir at ngumiti pa.

Umiling ako at namula. Nang makita niya ang aking reaksyon, mas lumawak ang ngiti niya.

“Titingnan ko kung anong magagawa ko. Pagsasabihan ko si Alcaraz na hindi ka masyadong pansinin para hindi ka mahiya.”

“Hindi po gano’n, sir!” I continued, but it seems like he’s not buying my words.

Sa huli, bumuntonghininga na lamang ako. Ako magkakacrush kay Trison?! He’s just too far from my standards for boys! Ugali niya pa lang, hindi na pasok! At sa lahat ng lalakeng magugustuhan ko siya pa? I’d rather date my lola’s type of boys!

Maagang natapos ang practice namin lalo na’t malakas din ang ulan. Gusto kong lumipat sa waiting shed, kaso wala akong dalang payong.

May nakita akong naglalakad na lalake at may dalang payong kaya mabilis akong naglalakad papalapit sa kanya.

“Pasilong ako ha,” sabi ko habang tumabi na at itinuro ang waiting shed. “Doon lang…” I smiled and lifted my gaze.

“Ayos lang—” His friendly tone was cut off when we both looked at each other and he realized that it was me!

Napawi ang ngiti ko. Kahit ang ngiti niya, napawi rin. He’s back to his hostile self. Halos umismid ako ganoon din siya.

“Bakit ba sulpot ka nang sulpot?” irita akong humawak sa hinahawakan niya ring payong.

“Ikaw ang biglang sumulpot,” giit niya at inilayo ng kaonti ang payong kaya nabasa ako.

I shrieked and pulled the umbrella to my side. Siya naman ngayon ang nabasa kaya hinila niya rin patungo sa kanya hanggang sa naghihilaan na kaming dalawa habang lumalakas ang hangin at kapwa na kami nababasa.

We were both fighting for the umbrella when it suddenly flipped up because of the strong wind. Kapwa namilog ang aming mga mata nang tumingala kami at agarang nabasa dahil sa payong niyang umangat.

“Ano ba ‘yang payong mo!” reklamo ko kahit natatawa na.

He slowly looked down with a cold expression, his eyes were ready to murder me. Agaran ko iyong binitiwan at mas piniling takbuhin nalang ang waiting shed. But before I could enter it, I slipped!

Halos umungol ako nang bumagsak ako at nabasa lalo. Rinig ko ang hagalpak ni Trison sa likuran ngunit bigla rin siyang napamura. Irita ko siyang tiningnan at nakitang hinihila niya na pabalik ang payong niyang marahas na hinihila rin ng hangin, tila ba nakikipag-agawan sa kanya.

Mabilis akong tumayo. My butt hurts, but of course I need to act unbothered by the pain. He glared at me while he’s still trying to pull down his umbrella. I stuck my tongue out and ran to the waiting shed.

Hirap na hirap siyang ibalik ang bumaliktad niyang payong habang bumubuhos lalo ang ulan. Tumakbo siya habang dala dala ang payong niyang hirap iyang ibalik sa dati nitong ayos. Irita siyang nagpasilong sa waiting shed at doon ipinagpatuloy na ayusin iyon.

Kapwa kami halos nasa dulo. Kinuha ko ang aking panyo palabas at pinunasan ang sarili. Malamig pa ang simoy ng hangin at mas lalo ko iyong ramdam lalo na’t basa ako!

Inilabas ang phone sa aking bag at nagtipa ng mensahe sa aking driver.

Ako:

Dala ka po ng payong Manong. I left mine :’)

I glanced over my shoulder and saw Trison, who was having a major problem with his umbrella. His jaw dropped when the spring went out of the fabric.

“Gago ‘to. Bagong bili pa naman,” I heard him mumble and just fold it back.

I looked up in the sky and saw how gloomy it looked. Mas triple na ang buhos ng ulan at naiwan pa ang iilang estudyante sa loob, nagpapasilong. Inilahad ko ang aking kamay palabas para damhin ang patak ng ulan. Namulsa si Trison sa dulo at tiningala ang pagbuhos ng ulan.

“Ipinatawag ako ni Sir Hernandez kanina at may sinabi siya sa akin,” tikhim niya.

Natigilan ako kaya nilingon ko siya habang nakapamulsa, basa rin katulad ko, at nakatingala pa rin sa langit.

“Naniniwala ka naman kay, Sir? Ang feeling mo!” ismid ko.

Irita niya akong nilingon. “Ano ba dapat ang paniniwalaan ko, eh halatang halata naman? Totoo naman ang sinasabi niya.”

My eyes narrowed. What?!

“You’re a thick-faced asshole!” sigaw ko sa iritasyon.

“Pansin na pansin ko ‘yon,” he glared at me.

“Ang kapal mo! Hindi nga ‘yon totoo!” gigil kong sabi kasabay ng pagkulog.

Kapwa kami nagulat ngunit agarang sinamaan ng tingin ang isa’t isa.

“Paano kung napatunayan ko? Anong gagawin ko sa’yo?” nanghahamon ang tinig niya.

Namula ako sa sobrang inis sa gigil sa kanya. Bakit niya pinipilit na crush ko siya? It’s just Sir Hernandez’s false assumptions, and he’s even claiming that I’m obvious! Kailan ako nagpapansin sa kaniya?! Kung pwede ngang gumawa ako ng sariling daan maiwasan lang siya!

“Hindi kita crush ‘no!” depensa ko.

His irritation turned into confusion.

“Anong crush?” he asked curiously.

“‘Yung sinabi ni Sir Hernandez na…” I stopped on my words when I realized that it made him looked more curious, as if I am talking about anything else.

His eyes slowly narrowed. “May gusto ka sa akin?”

My eyes narrowed too. “Mukha ba?! Baka ikaw!”

He scoffed and barked a laugh.

“Ikaw na maldita ka?” natatawa niya akong itinuro.

“Ikaw na bwesit ka!” I fired back aggressively.

Humalakhak siya at sinenyasan akong lumapit. He shifted his position, his body is now facing me, his other hand remained in his other pocket while his other hand is gesturing to come near him.

“Halika nga dito. Baka pag tingnan kita sa malapitan may makita akong kagusto gusto sa’yo,” asar niya lalo na’t naglalaro ang pilyong ngiti sa kanyang labi.

“Ayoko nga!”

“Kahit nasa malayo ka nga, ang linaw linaw na wala akong gusto sa’yo, sa malapitan pa kaya?” he raised his brow.

“At wala rin akong gusto sa’yo. Kahit mabulag pa ako, malinaw sa akin na hindi kita tipo,” irap ko.

His hand started moving like the head of the duck talking to mock me. I made faces and rolled my eyes again.

“Malaman ko lang na may gusto ka sa akin,” tila ba nagbabanta siya.

“Ang hangin mo! No wonder your umbrella flipped up!” hagalpak ko.

“And no wonder you slipped, huh,” ngisi niya. “Bagsak ka. Parang grades mo lang.”

My blood boiled as I glared at him. He laughed and lifted his head up to watch the gloomy sky.

“Mataas ang grades ko ngayong quarter,” pagmamayabang ko. “Baka ikaw…”

“Mali mali nga’yung sagot mo sa activities mo,” he pointed out, ang mga mata niya lamang ang gumalaw para tingnan ako.

“K-Kasi wala akong kain no’n!”

I saw his unconvinced reaction. “Next week,” he reminded.

“Oo naman. After exam. Show me your grades and I’ll show mine too,” said ko, humalukipkip at mayabang siyang tiningnan.

“Pataasan ‘to ha, hindi pababa,” he said mockingly.

“Oo naman!” mapanghamon kong sabi habang naglalakad na siya.

“Hindi ng pride. Grades,” giit niya nang huminto siya sa aking harap.

I confidently walked towards him and stopped in front of him. I scoffed and leaned forward, my arms crossed to my chest, my brows raised confidently. He leaned backward, his brows knitted while both of his hands were on his pocket.

“I’m going to be on the top. And I’ll make sure you’re always under me,” pagmamayabang ko.

He got the confidence to lean forward and crouch a bit while chuckling. I straightened up just to avoid his face nearing me until it leveled mine. I got a clearer view of his gray eyes, his disheveled damp hair kissing his thick brows, and the smirk remained touching his lips.

“Sige nga…” hamon niya sa nanunuyang tinig.

“Hindi kasali ang Math!” giit ko.

He laughed in front of my face. Nasulyapan ko pa ang mapuputi niyang ngipin at ang pula niyang dila habang amoy ko ang mint sa kanyang bibig.

“Kasali ‘yon.”

What?! Ipinatili ko ang kumpyansa sa sarili kahit unti-unti na iyong nahuhubad. Trison stood up straight and looked at the gloomy sky again. The color of the sky reminded me of his eyes. Gray.

Tumikhim si Trison.

“Hindi ko na pupunahin ang mga mali mo sa practice pero siguraduhin mong pagkatapos, ituturo ko sa’yo ‘yung mga tamang steps,” bigla niyang sabi na medyo ikinatigil ko.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

“Lagi bang gano’n?” medyo naging seryoso siya.

Inisip ko pa kung alin ang tinutukoy niya nang maalala ko ang nangyari sa practice kanina. Kung kanina ay halos mataray akong tingnan, medyo bumaba ang balikat ko at nag-iba ang ekspresyon.

“Sinumbong mo na ba ‘yon?” medyo pagalit ang pagkakasabi niya.

“Para saan? Para mas ibully lang ako? Tatawaging sipsip sa guro kaya nagsusumbong? Pagtutulungan lalo? Teacher’s pet?” hilaw kong ngiti.

He sighed, as if he clearly understood my situation.

“May nananakit ba ng pisikal?” kuryoso niyang tanong.

Umiling ako. “Wala naman…”

He leered at me. “Sigurado ka?”

I leered at him too. “Wala nga.”

He calmed down and nodded. Bigla kong naalala ang mga sabi sabi sa kaniya. I can sense that he doesn’t want to talk about family related, the reason why he didn’t answer my question about his eyes.

“Ikaw ba… may naranasan ka ring ganoon?” maingat kong tanong.

He put his hands at the back of his head and clasped his fingers to each other as his eyes remained at the sky. Ngumiti siya ngunit hilaw.

“Meron,” he murmured.

My shoulder loosened. “At nasasaktan ka?”

“Hindi naman. Eh totoo naman din ang sinasabi nila. Guwapo naman talaga ako.”

My eyes narrowed and pushed him lightly. Trison chuckled, his head glanced over his shoulder to look at me playfully.

“Gano’n ang mga naririnig ko. Guwapo raw ako. Tapos matalino. Hindi nga lang mayaman,” ngisi niya.

Ngumiwi ako. “And what’s wrong if you’re not wealthy?”

“Ibig sabihin hindi pa ako pwedeng mag girlfriend. Anong ipanggagastos ko sa date namin?”

Which means he’s single?

“Paano kung may gusto ka? Edi paano ‘yon? Hindi mo liligawan coz you’re not yet rich?” I asked curiously.

“Wala naman akong nagugustuhang gusto kong ligawan.”

“Paano kung meron?”

Kumunot ang noo niya at nag-isip isip. “Edi magkagusto muna siya ng marami. Basta sa akin siya magpapakasal pag pwede na kami.”

“What? Then just court her! Malay mo tanggap ka naman niya. You know, may mga girls naman na understanding. She will understand it if you’re still on your way to achieving your success.”

“Paano ang dates namin eh estudyante pa ako? Siya ang gagastos?” halos ngumiwi siya.

“Excuse me! You made me pay for your orange egg!”

“Bakit girlfriend ba kita? Date ba ‘yon? At siniko mo ang pagkain ko,” he interjected, his brows lifting.

“‘Tsaka ako pa rin ang nagbayad ah?” habol niya.

Inilabas ko ang aking pitaka sa aking bulsa at binuksan iyon. I took the one hundred pesos out and handed to him.

“Bayad ko sa toknengneng na inutang ko,” lahad ko ng pera sa kaniya.

“Ano? Ano ulit?” there’s a playfulness in his voice, his lips stretching for a smile.

“Toknengneng!” ulit ko at halos manliit ang mga mata sa kanya.

Humagalpak si Trison. “Tokneneng hindi toknengneng!”

“Toknengneng ‘yung sinabi ng matanda kahapon!” giit ko at nakita ang paparating na sundo ko.

Tumingin din siya doon habang nakangisi pa rin.

“Diyan mo na ako bayaran kung tama ang pagkakabigkas mo ng tokneneng,” asar niya.

“It’s toknengneng! Ano ako, bingi?! Iyon naman ang sinabi ng matanda!” I argued.

“Gusto mo talaga ‘yung lagi kang tama ‘no?” ngiwi niya.

Huminto ng tuluyan ang SUV sa mismong tapat ng waiting shed. Tiningnan ni Trison ang paglabas ng driver na may dalang payong. Lumapit ang driver sa akin at itinapat ang payong sa pagbaba ko sa waiting shed.

Nilingon kong muli si Trison at nakitang nasa bulsa na ulit ang kaniyang mga kamay, walang planong kunin sa akin ang isang daan.

“Bukas ko nalang isasauli ‘yung polo mo,” sabi ko.

He nodded. “Ayos lang.”

Bumaba ako ng tuluyan. Pinayungan ako ng driver at binuksan ang back seat para sa akin. Pumasok ako at nilingon ang driver.

“Pakibigay po sa kaniya ‘yung payong,” sabi ko.

The driver nodded and close the door of the back seat. Lumapit ang driver kay Trison at inilahad ang payong. Umiling si Trison at gustong tanggihan iyon habang nagkakamot ng batok ngunit nagpumilit ang aking driver hanggang tinanggap niya.

I smiled as I watched him slowly glance at the tinted window of the SUV. Ibinaba ko iyon hanggang magkatinginan kami.

“Sumabay ka nalang,” anyaya ko.

He shook his head. “Ayos na ‘to,” saka niya tiningala ang payong na hawak.

Mabilis na tumakbo ang driver at binuksan ang driver’s seat. I nodded at Trison.

“Isasauli ko bukas,” he reminded.

Tumango ako at ngumiti. Tumingin ang driver sa akin kaya dahan dahan ko ring isinara ang bintana ng kotse.

“‘Yan ‘di ba ‘yung naputikan natin, Ma’am?” tanong ng driver nang umaalis na kami.

“Opo,” medyo natawa ako.

Nakita ko ang naninimbang niyang tingin sa itaas ng salamin habang ramdam ko na may gusto siyang sabihin ngunit pinigilan lamang ang sarili.

“Friends na kayo, Ma’am?”

Friends? I think that’s not the right term. He’s my enemy. But in a good way.

Chapter 5

Harassed

“‘Yung usapan natin Lian,” rinig ko ang mahinang tinig ng aking team habang naghahanda kami sa pagdating ni Ma’am Hernandez.

“Kami na ngang bahala…” si Lian na pinapatigil ang mga girls sa pangungulit sa kanilang mga boys.

“Turuan niyo lang kasi ng leksyon. Kaya nagmamagaling eh,” si Althea na nagawa pang lumingon sa akin.

My brows knitted while I did some stretching before Ma’am Hernandez would come.

“Basta. Kami na ang bahala,” senyas ni Lian sa mga babae na tumigil din naman.

I wonder why my sister decided to stop with her dance troupe. Palaisipan iyon sa akin lagi ngunit ayaw niya namang aminin kung ano ang rason niya.

May dumating na isa sa aming team at nagkakamot ng batok.

“Tayo tayo nalang daw muna magpractice dahil may emergency daw si Ma’am,” si Annie.

I saw the smirk on the boys’ faces as they looked at each other meaningfully. Kahit ang mga girls, nakita ko ang pagtitinginan din nila, at pahapyaw na dumaan sa mga labi ang ngiti habang nakatingin sa akin.

“O ako muna ang sa countings! At titingin ng steps niyo!” presinta ni Edward habang isa isa na kaming pumusisyon.

Sa gilid, hindi naman masyadong malapit sa amin, nasulyapan ko ang grupo ng mga Grade Nine kasama si Trison sa harap at mukhang tinuturuan niya ulit ng Arnis.

I remember the P. E. practice earlier. Nakailang pagkakamali ako na hindi niya pinuna ngunit alam ko, pagkatapos nitong practice para ay hahayaan ko siyang tuturuan ako mamaya.

Lola doesn’t mind if I go home late, as long as the explanation is reasonable. Besides, she supports it when it’s because of our academics. Ngunit mahigpit ang curfew niya kay Ashtraia dahil alam niyang hindi naman dahil sa academics kaya siya laging matagal umuwi.

“Doon muna tayo mag focus sa flyer, Edward!” mungkahi ng mga boys.

Edward nodded as the boys flocked in front of me with creepy smirk in their faces.

“Position na, Ayeselle,” si Cyrus na hinawakan ako sa braso at bahagyang dumulas ang kamay sa gilid ng aking dibdib.

Kumunot ang aking noo. May mga araw naman na aksidenteng nahahaplos ang iilang parte sa aking katawan ngunit hindi ko masyadong pinagtutuunan ng pansin talaga dahil hindi naman iyon maiiwasan.

Tahimik akong pumusisyon habang pumwesto na si Lian sa aking likod. We started counting as we did each of the steps until they needed to lift me. Humawak si Lian sa aking baywang ngunit umakyat iyon sa ibaba ng aking kili kili, ang kanyang mga daliri ay humahaplos na sa aking dibdib.

“Ah… Lian,” tulak ko sa kanya at huminto sa halip na magpatuloy.

The girls groaned and looked at me when their countings were interrupted as well.

“Ano na namang problema, Ayeselle?” isa sa mga babae ang nagreklamo.

“Mali ang hand placement ni Lian,” lakas loob kong sabi ngunit natawa ang mga boys.

“Ano? Anong mali roon? Saan ba dapat kita hahawakan? Sa pwetan ba ang gusto mo?” tawa ni Lian.

“Baka kasi sa ibang parte niya gusto, Lian,” si Niel at nakipag-apir pa sa kanya habang naghahalakhakan sila.

“Ano ba ‘yan, ‘yung kabilang grupo ang layo na ng nararating sa practice nila. Tayo napag-iiwanan pa rin! Kung ihahalo tayo sa kanila sa finals, baka tayo lang ang palpak!” reklamo ng iilan.

“Paano ba naman kasi, may nag-iinarte! Purket Ferrarin!” si Althea.

My brows knitted more. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit sa tuwing may argumento, palaging nasasali dahil Ferrarin ako.

“Sige na, Ayeselle! Tama na ang kaka inarte! From the start tayo,” si Edward na pumalakpak at pinapamadali kami.

I became more conscious when we started all over again. Kaya noong inulit ulit ni Lian, tiniis ko dahil baka nga, wala namang malisya. They toss me in the air and catch me immediately as I stood while they’re holding both of my feet, at muli akong nilaglag saka nila ako sinalo.

But then, Lian and Cyrus’ hand went both to my boobs as they squeezed it secretly. Nanginig ako at mabilis silang pinagtutulak.

Ngumisi si Lian at Cyrus, ngunit ramdam ko agad ang pagmaang-maangan nang inangat nila ang kanilang mga kamay, magkasalubong ang kilay at medyo pilyo ang tingin sa akin.

“O? Ano na naman?” si Lian.

“You are squeezing my boobs!” I fired angrily, my eyes sting with tears.

“Huh?!” Humalakhak si Cyrus, na kahit ang iilan naming mga kasama, natatawa akong tiningnan.

“Grabe talaga. Purket maganda siya, ang feeling feeling na akala niya gusto siya ng lahat,” isa sa mga girls iyon.

“Ano bang pinagsasabi mo, Ayeselle?” si Edward na pagalit na ang pagkakatanong sa akin.

“Lian and Cyrus squeezed my boobs!” I pointed at them angrily.

Humalakhak ulit ang boys, and even the girls joined them. As if I am being delusional and I am saying nonexistent things.

“Sinalo ka namin, Ayeselle. Kung hindi ka namin hinawakan, edi sana basag ang ulo mo kung nalaglag ka?” si Lian na nakangisi sa akin.

“Kung mag-iinarte lang naman pala, edi sana nilaglag niyo nalang!” ang mga babae.

“Oo nga. Ang arte. Akala mo talaga hinipuan eh. Akala niya siguro lahat ng lalake rito baliw sa kaniya.”

“Normal lang naman ang aksidente kang nahahawakan sa ibang parte ng katawan, Ayselle. Lalo na’t sa practice natin, hindi talaga ‘yon maiiwasan,” si Edward na ramdam ko ang galit niya.

My hand clutched. My eyes heated more, knowing that arguing with them and proving a point was just futile because they all hate me.

Alam ko ang nangyari. Lian and Cyrus harrased me. They both squeezed my boobs intentionally. Ramdam iyon ng katawan ko at alam kong mali ang ginawa nila kahit itanggi man nila iyon sa akin at pagmukhain akong nambibintang dito.

“Isumbong na nga natin ‘yan kay Ma’am Hernandez na alisin na sa grupo total ganiyan siya mag-isip,” si Althea na pagalit ngunit lihim ang mga ngiting humahalo sa kaniyang labi.

Gusto kong magwala, manakit at sumigaw, ngunit parang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa na hindi man lang ako makasagot at maipagtanggol pa ang aking sarili.

I clutched my fist, wanting to use the skills my Lola has taught me for self-defense, but I couldn’t.

“Anong nangyayari dito?” ang pamilyar na tinig ni Trison ang biglang umalingawngaw sa aking likuran.

The other smiles of my team slowly vanished as they all became serious and defensive.

“Ah… wala…” si Lian na agarang umiling at seryosong tiningnan si Trison.

I felt Trison’s presence behind me. He crouched a bit until I saw his head tilting just to see my face clearly.

“Anong nangyari?” tanong niya sa akin, seryoso ang titig.

“Wala, Trison! Nag-iinarte lang ‘yan! Pinagbibintangan sila Lian at Cyrus eh sinalo lang naman sana siya kaya aksidenteng nahawakan sa parteng dibdib,” si Althea.

“Oo nga. Akala mo naman talaga hinawakan…” isa sa mga babae.

Trison looked at them with a hard expression.

“Kayo ba ang tinatanong ko?” pagalit ang kanyang pagkakabara sa mga babae na agarang nagsitahimik.

“Huwag kanang makialam dito, Trison. Kaya na namin ‘to. Parang hindi mo naman kilala ang mga Ferrarin,” si Lian na akmang tatapikin siya sa balikat ngunit tinabig ni Trison.

The boys were shock when they realized that Trison is serious even though he’s smirking without a trace of humor on it. Muli niya akong tiningnan.

“Anong ginawa?” ulit na tanong ni Trison, ngayon ay madilim ang ekspresyon at bakas ang galit sa kanyang tinig.

“L-Lian and Cyrus squeezed my boobs,” I confessed as my lips trembled, trying to hold the tears that made my vision blurry.

Natigilan siya at gumalaw ang panga. His expression darkened as his head glanced at them, his eyes scanning the boys one by one dangerously.

“Alin dito sa anim?” ani Trison kasabay ng mga lalake na nagsiatrasan.

“Wala kaming ginagawang ganiyan, Ayeselle! Ikaw na nga ang sinalo, ikaw pa itong nambibintang!” si Lian na agresibo na ang tinig at napaatras nang lingunin siya ni Trison.

“Naniniwala ka diyan eh ganyan naman talaga silang mga babae! Pag nahahawakan, pagbibintangan agad tayong nanghihipo! Kahit hindi naman talaga!” si Cyrus na isa ring lumalayo ng kaonti.

“Oh? Ba’t ka lumalayo?” hawak ni Trison sa kwelyo ng uniporme ni Lian at marahas itong hinila palapit.

“Hindi ko nga pinisil ang dibdib niya!” si Lian na nagpupumiglas sa pagkakahawak ni Trison.

“Ito ba?” lingon ni Trison sa akin, ang mga ugat sa kamay ay nagsisilabasan na dahil sa mahigpit niyang pagkakahawak ganoon din sa kabilang nakakuyom.

“Gago? Ang feeling mo naman, Ayeselle! Oo maganda ka! Sexy! Pero tang ina! Bakit kita hihipuan?! Ayus-ayusin mo naman ‘yang pangbibintang mo—”

Tumili ang mga babae nang natumba agad si Lian dahil sa malakas na suntok ni Trison.

“Sino ang isa?” si Trison na nilingon ako ngunit nakita ang pag karipas ng takbo ni Cyrus.

Agarang tinakbo ni Trison ang kanilang distansya at halos masundan ko kung paano siya tumigil, mabilis na umikot at halos lumipad sa ere ang kaniyang paa nang sipain niya ang tagiliran ni Cyrus na tumilapon at sumubsob sa sahig.

Tumili ang mga babae. The boys immediately ran towards him and stopped him. Isa-isa nilang hinawakan habang marahas na nagpupumiglas si Trison, gustong makawala, nag-aamba pang lapitan si Lian na tumayo na habang dumudugo ang ilong.

“Bitiwan niyo ako at lulumpuhin ko ‘yang dalawang ‘yan!” si Trison na masyadong malakas at halos nahirapan ang mga lalake na hawakan siya.

“Hindi naman hinipuan, Trison. Kumalma ka lang…” isa sa mga lalake iyon.

“Gago ba kayo? Umamin siya pero pinagkakaisahan niyo at sinasabing hindi ginawa sa kaniya? Anong problema niyong lahat?” umalingawngaw ang galit na ni Trison habang tinitingnan niya isa isa.

“Isa pa kayong mga babae! Kayo dapat ang mas nakakaintindi sa kaniya pero sinisisi niyo pa!” he glared at the girls darkly.

Walang nakapagsalita. Ang mga babae ay nagsisiiwas ng tingin, habang ang iilan sa amin ay tinulungang patayuin si Lian na namimilipit sa sakit habang hawak ang kanyang tagiliran.

“Sinalo lang namin, Trison. Kung hindi namin ‘yon ginawa, edi basag ang ulo niya… Aksidente lang namin na nahawakan ang dibdib niya,” si Lian na medyo namimilipit din sa sakit habang hawak ang kanyang ilong na dumudugo pa rin.

Galit na nag-ambang lumapit si Trison sa kanya kaya muli siyang hinawakan ng mga lalake.

“Uubusin ko ‘yang ngipin mong gago ka. Ako pa ang uutuin mo huh?” halos gumalaw ang kanyang panga sa bawat salita niya.

“Masama ang mambintang, Ayeselle,” si Edward nang tingnan ako.

“Isa ka pa,” siko ni Trison sa mukha niya kaya napaatras ito sa pagkakahawak sa kanya.

Ang mga lalakeng humawak sa kaniya ay isa isang lumuwag ang mga kamay. Nagtagis ang aking bagang at tiningnan silang lahat.

“Totoo naman. Plano niyo ‘yon, ‘di ba? Rinig na rinig ko ‘yun kanina,” tiningnan ko ang mga babae.

“Huh? Anong pinagsasabi mo?” tawa ni Althea ngunit namumutla.

“Pinagpaplanuhan niyong lahat na paalisin ako sa grupong ito dahil Ferrarin ako! Dahil ayaw niyong lahat sa akin! Kaya niyo ako laging pinagkakaisahan. Kaya kahit ang mga lalake, bastusin man ako, ayos lang. Dahil ayaw niyo naman sa akin,” matapang kong bigkas kahit nag-uunahan ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

It was the bitter truth. The girls are siding the boys because they don’t like me. And the boys use the opportunity to harrass me because they knew they would get their sympathy.

“Kung sa ibang babae ‘yon nangyari, sigurado akong kakampihan niyo! Pero dahil sa akin na galing naman sa kilalang mga Ferrarin na lapitin ng mga lalake at kinaiinisan niyo, ayos lang sa inyo na bastusin ako!” I cried.

Punong puno na ako sa pagtitiis ng ilang araw, at sa pananahimik sa mga ginagawa nila. Totoo naman eh. They are siding with their evil doings because they are all thinking bad things about me.

“I think my clan isn’t the real monsters here at all. You all are.”

Hindi na sila nagsalita pa. At sisiguraduhin kong iyon na ang huling pagtitiis ko. Ayoko na.

Kinuha ko ang aking gamit at naglakad na paalis. Pinalis ko ang luha at pilit pinakalma ang sarili. Naririnig ko ang yabag ng nagmamadaling paa hanggang sa lumebel si Trison sa akin at sinabayan ang aking paglalakad.

“Dalhin mo ‘yan sa Guidance Office bukas. Sasama ako para dumepensa sa’yo,” aniya sa seryosong tinig.

Umiling ako. “Huwag na. Aalis na lamang ako para hindi na maulit pa—”

“Palalampasin mo ‘to? Minolestya ka tapos palalampasin mo?”

“Tapos gagawin lang naman iyong katatawanan sa akin. Pagbibintangan lamang akong malandi at tatawagin ng kung ano ano. Hindi naman si Lian at Cyrus ang mapapahiya rito. Ako.”

“At hahayaan mong ganoon nalang? Tang ina edi sana tinuluyan ko nalang pala ang mga ‘yon!”

Patuloy ang paglalakad namin hanggang sa makalabas ng paaralan. Nagtungo ako sa waiting shed at sumunod siya.

Pinalis ko ang luha. “Bakit mo pa sinuntok? Naghahanap ka lang din ng ikakapahamak mo.”

“Hindi magsusumbong ang mga gagong ‘yon dahil alam nilang nagsasabi ka ng totoo. Kung nagsumbong man, wala akong pakialam. Basagin ko pa ang pagmumukha nila,” irita niyang pinatunog ang kanyang mga daliri habang tinitingnan ang gate ng aming paaralan.

Umupo ako at kinuha ang aking phone para makapagtipa na ng mensahe sa driver. Trison clicked his head and then gritted his teeth.

“Isumbong mo ‘yon,” pilit niya.

“Hindi na nga!”

“Bakit ayaw mo? Binastos ka nila!”

“Oo nga pero ano bang mapapala ko? Magagalit lang sila lalo sa akin! Ako pa rin ang magmumukhang katawa tawa sa lahat! Lalala lang ang insulto na sasabihin nila—”

“Bakit importante sa’yo ang sasabihin nila? Ayos lang na magtiis ka basta wala lang silang masabi sa’yo gano’n ba?” putol niya habang mariin akong tiningnan.

Namuo ang panibagong luha sa aking mga mata. Why—why do I care about their opinion so much? Why do I let them hurt me like this?

“Dahil ano? Natatakot kang mag-isa? Na walang kakaibigan sa’yo? Bakit? Ganoon ba ang mga gusto mong kaibiganin?” itinuro niya ang gate, ang tingin ay nanatili sa akin.

Pinalis ko ang pagkalaglag muli ng luha. He’s right. I am hopeful that maybe someday, they would change their mind about me. That someday, I would get their sympathy.

“Huwag mong limusin sa kanila ang mga bagay na kusang binibigay! Kung ang pagtayo mo sa sarili mo ay ikakasama mo sa paningin nila, pwes gawin mo.”

Irita kong kinuha ang aking panyo sa aking bulsa at pinahiran ang mukha.

“Ang taray taray mo sa akin pero tiklop ka sa mga ‘yon?”

“Because I am trying to create a bond with my team! I want to fit in!” giit ko.

“You don’t fit in because you don’t belong there! Gano’n ‘yon!”

Natigilan ako. I don’t fit in because I don’t belong there. That’s… deep.

Ilang sigundo akong nakatitig sa kaniya. Nakapamaywang na si Trison sa aking harapan, nagtatagis ang bagang, at magkasalubong ang kilay. Huminga siya nang malalim at hinilot ang sentido.

“Kung hindi mo isusumbong bukas, ako ang magsusumbong,” may paninindigan sa tinig niya.

“Tapos aabangan ka nila sa labas. Bubugbugin—”

“Tss. Inaalala mo pa ako kaysa alalahanin ‘yang sarili mo. May gusto ka talaga siguro sa akin?” Yumuko siya para lang makalebel ang mukha ko.

My eyes narrowed. “Ang kapal mo naman! Wala nga!” Itinulak ko siya.

“Kaya isumbong mo na. Ayos lang kung abangan ako sa labas. Sila lang din naman ang mabubugbog ko.”

Ngumiwi ako.

“Bakit ba? Ayoko nga ng gulo.”

“Ayoko rin ng gulo! Kaya gusto kong makick-out sila kaysa ang makita ko ‘yang pagmumukha nila sa loob at baka magdilim ang paningin ko. Masusuntok ko lang ulit sila.”

“Ikaw ata ang may gusto sa akin eh,” halukipkip ko at iniwas ang tingin.

“Oo na ako na ang may gusto sa’yo kaya isumbong mo na,” senyas niya at tila ba sinasabi na lamang iyon para kumbinsihin ako.

“Nasaan ang bulaklak?” sakay ko sa kaniyang biro.

“Bukas na bukas. Bibigyan kita. Basta isumbong mo ang mga hayop na ‘yon,” aniya sa desididong tinig.

Somehow, the conversation calmed me down, not nothing that I’d been harassed earlier.

Chapter 6

Girlfriend

What happened bugged my mind for a long time. Kahit noong dumating na ang aking sundo at nakauwi na, tulala pa rin ako sa loob ng banyo nang magpasyang maligo.

I felt so dirty that I wanted to peel off the skin where they touched me. Natuyo na ata ang aking luha at pagod na ang mga mata kong umiyak.

Sure, I could sue them for harassing me. But I am worried for Lola’s reaction and her decision once she finds out about it. They’re minors. Paano kung ipakulong nga ni Lola at magalit ang pamilya nila sa amin? I don’t want more complications. Ayoko nang palalain pa ang sitwasyon.

Isa pa, ayoko ring kumalat sa school ang nangyari. Alam ko naman na walang maniniwala sa akin at gagawin pa iyong katatawanan ng iba. Oo at lapitin kami ng boys, my sister has a lot of suitors, some of whom were mine as well, but I don’t entertain them because I am not into relationships just like my cousins.

Kaya baka sabihin lamang ng iba, hindi naman ako hinipuan at ako pa ang masisisi dahil ganoon naman talaga kaming Ferrarin, na lapitin ng lalake kaya laging nasa amin ang maraming nasasabi.

Kung sasabihin nilang inakit ko, paano nila ipapaliwanag na habang practice pa iyon nangyari!

I hugged my legs and rested my chin on my knees as I closed my eyes. Ngunit mabilis ding mapadilat nang narinig ko ang sigaw ni Trison sa aking isip.

Ngayon na mag-isa na lamang, bumalik sa aking isipan ang ginawa niya. I forgot to thank him.

He stood up for me. He became my voice. Oo at madalas kaming mag-away, idagdag pang irita kami lagi sa isa’t-isa, pero hindi ko inaasahang ganoon ang magiging hakbang niya nang magsumbong ako.

His gray eyes flashed in my mind with a hint of anger. Parang kumukulog na langit ang mga mata niya dahil sa matinding galit kanina.

After taking a bath, hindi na ako nakasabay pa sa dinner at sinabing may marami na lamang na gagawin, such as assignments and projects, when I just want to avoid Lola’s critical eyes.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tamang gawin ngunit nang sumapit ang umaga; ang agaran kong ginawa ay pumunta sa faculty room kung nasaan si Mrs. Hernandez para sabihing hihinto na ako.

“Bakit ka hihinto?” taka niyang tanong at halos bumagal ang ginagawa niya sa kaniyang desk.

I looked at the papers she’s scanning first and then looked at her again.

“Uh, may activity pa po kasi kami sa P.E. at kailangang aralin’yung martial arts? Hindi ko na po maisingit ang practice.”

She looked unconvinced, but I could sense her opposition to my decision.

“You are one of the good dancers I have, Ferrarin. Sana ay pag-isipan mo itong mabuti.”

Umiling ako. “Desidido na po ako, Ma’am.”

The reason I participated as a cheerleader was because of the extra grade I would receive if you were also a part of it. And since I am good at dancing, sinubukan ko na rin. Kaso nga lang, ayoko namang magpatuloy kung ganoon ang magiging trato nila sa akin.

Maybe I would just ignore Trison as well. Alam kong makikita ko siya mamaya sa practice para sa martial arts namin, pero sisikapin kong huwag nalang iyong mapag-usapan pa.

I was on my way to my classroom when I saw his familiar physique while he was resting his elbows on the railings of the corridor while munching some bread. Papaubos na iyon habang malayo ang tingin niya.

Sinikap kong maglakad nang hindi niya napapansin ngunit nahuli pa rin. He glanced over his shoulder while I noticed his damp hair and the unbuttoned polo uniform, revealing his white t-shirt. Tumikhim ako at medyo binilisan ang aking lakad. He flipped his position and leaned against the railings, while his other hand pulled something out of his pocket.

“Ferrarin,” sitsit niya at inilabas ang nalukot na bulaklak na nalaglagan pa ng petals nang inilahad niya sa akin.

I kept a straight face while gripping the strap of my bag as I continued walking, passing him, when he suddenly blocked my way using his right foot. Halos mabuwal ako at mawalan ng balanse na agaran niya ring sinalo para hindi sumalampak sa sahig.

I groaned and pushed him. Tumayo ako ng tuwid at irita siyang tiningnan.

“Yung bulaklak mo,” he extended his arm again, handing the flower while another petal has worn off.

“Bulaklak pa ba ‘yan! Anong klaseng sunflower ‘yan?” Irap ko at pumasok na sa classroom.

Wala pang estudyante. I am always early because I like the ambiance when I arrive first at school.

“Sige na tanggapin mo na at may isusumbong pa tayo,” si Trison na inilahad iyon kahit aping api na tingnan.

Hinubad ko ang aking bag at inilapag sa armchair. Nagtungo siya sa kabilang upuan, isinandal ang pwetan para maupo at isiniksik ang isang kamay sa bulsa habang patuloy niyang inilahad sa akin ang bulaklak.

I glared at him. “Matinong bulaklak ang gusto ko.”

He glared back at me. “Mukha bang tarantado itong bulaklak sa’yo?”

“Halos wala na nga ‘yang petals oh!”

He looked at it for a while, but then he still handed it to me.

“Gusto ko ‘yung matinong bulaklak,” I insisted.

He sighed aggressively and leaned against the wall, his face frowning at me.

“Oo sige bukas ulit kita bibigyan ng mas matino. Pero pumunta tayo ngayon sa Guidance Office nang makapagsumbong ka.”

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at umupo sa upuan. Inilagay ko sa aking likuran ang bag at humilig sa armrest habang sumeseryoso.

“Ayoko nga…”

Tumayo siya ng tuwid. “Ako nalang ang gagawa,” seryoso niyang sabi kaya naalarma kong inabot ang pulso niya sanhi para tumigil siya sa harapan ko.

“Huwag na nga!” agap ko at tiningala siya.

Nahulog sa akin ang seryoso niyang ekspresyon. His gray eyes became dark, as if the sky had no trace of light.

“Binastos ka,” giit niya at gumalaw ang panga. “Yun ang totoong hipo pero palalampasin mo dahil takot ka sa sasabihin ng lahat sa’yo?”

I swallowed hard. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa maugat niyang kamay na hawak ko. I noticed the difference in our skin. Nakakuyom ang kaniyang kamay hawak ang bulaklak na nalaglagan ulit ng isa pang petal.

Maki-kick out sila. At pag nakaabot ito kay Lola, alam kong mas malala sa kick out ang sasapitin nila. Alam mo naman ang isyu ng clan namin. Magmumukha ulit si Lola na masama rito dahil lang ipapakulong niya ang mahirap?

“Eh kung hindi ba naman sila dakilang gago? Talagang makukulong sila!” giit niya.

I lifted my gaze, and I saw his thick brow knitting and his jaw clenching to the core.

Umiling akong muli. “A-Ayos na ‘yon… Nagquit na ako at k-kakalimutan nalang—”

“Seryoso ka ba?” halos putulin niya ako ng agresibo niyang tinig.

“Ikaw ang biktima pero ikaw ang mag-adjust?”

I smiled weakly. “Magmumukha akong marumi sa mata ng lahat pag kumalat ‘yon sa school. At maririnig ko lang nang paulit ulit. Baka… pagtawanan nila ako at pagbintangan na malandi ako kaya ‘yon ginawa sa akin lalo na’t.. lapitin kami ng lalake.”

“Eh, ano ngayon kung lapitin ka ng lalake? Malandi ba agad iyon? Wala kang boyfriend ah? Maiintindihan ko kung sinasabi nila ‘yan kung marami kang boyfriend at nanglalalake ka pero wala ah?”

I swallowed hard.

“Kung pagtatawanan ka nila, hindi mo iyon ikinababa. Sila ang mababa dahil pinagtatawanan nila ang isang bagay na hindi biro.”

Naiintindihan ko. Pero hindi ko magawang magsumbong dahil sa maraming rason. Hindi madali. At napakahirap. Mas gusto ko nalang kimkimin iyon kaysa ang maging kumplikado lamang ang lahat.

“Huwag na,” mahina kong sabi. “Madadamay ka rin. At… ayoko nang lumaki ito.”

“Sabi ko sa’yo huwag mo akong isipin,” kalmado na ang tinig niya.

Tumingala ako. “Maganda ang record mo sa school. Pag may ganito kang record, maraming pwedeng mangyari.”

I noticed how he became serious. His features made him more dark and strict because of his thick brows and the color of his eyes.

“Kaya titiisin natin ‘to? Kasi ako, hindi ko ‘to kayang tiisin. May alam ako. Pero hinahayaan ko. May pwede akong gawin, pero hindi ko magawa dahil walang pahintulot mo.”

“Madali lang naman ‘yan kasi ayaw mo sa akin.”

“Oo nga. Pero iba na kung pambabastos ang usapan,” he gritted his teeth.

I looked at the flower he was gripping. Naglalabasan na ang ugat sa kaniyang kamay dahil sa gigil niya.

He sighed and walked to the door. Nasulyapan ko pa ang dala dala niyang galit noong umalis siya dala ang lupaypay niyang bulaklak.

Hindi ko alam kung nagsumbong ba siya, pero hindi naman ako pinapatawag kaya nakumpirma kong tikom pa rin ang bibig niya.

Kahit noong practice para sa activity namin sa P.E. seryoso pa rin siya. Ni ayaw tumingin sa akin kahit minsan ay nagkakamali ako.

“Ayusin mo lang ‘yung posture mo. Ganito,” si Trison, na nasa tabi ni Diana at itinuturo sa kaniya ang maling steps niya.

Ngumingiti si Diana at medyo namumula.

“Paano ba? Parang hindi ko makuha,” reklamo niya.

To guide her properly, Trison controlled her arm to correct it. Kaya kahit tapos na ang P.E. namin, parang hindi maawat sa kilig si Diana.

“Crush ko talaga siya. Gustong gusto ko na magconfess,” naririnig ko ang tinig niya habang abala akong ayusin ang gamit ko.

“Hindi ba nagconfess din daw si Michelle sa kaniya? Dinaan daw sa letter eh,” ang isa ko pang kaklase.

“Full package siya. Friendly. Mabait. Matalino. Matino pa. Tapos sporty. Hay, parang amoy New West na kanta.”

Halos bumagal ang pag-inom ko ng tubig habang naririnig iyon. Trison is actually nice. Ramdam ko naman ‘yon. Siguro kung magcoconfess siya, sa ganda rin ni Diana, at matalino pa, feeling ko may chance sila.

To satisfy my curiosity about the song she mentioned, I searched for it on YouTube. The songs are nice, especially Home and Those Eyes. And yes, it smells like him.

Kaya noong sumulpot si Trison sa classroom ko habang uwian na, iyon ang laman ng isip ko.

Seryoso niyang inilapag ang bag niya sa bakanteng upuan, kinalas isa isa ang butones ng kaniyang uniporme at iniwan ang puting t-shirt.

“Dami mong mali kanina,” aniya sa seryosong tinig.

Halos umirap ako. Eh si Diana nga lang ang tinuturuan niya. Oo at sinabi niyang hindi niya na ako susuwayin pero hindi nga siya tumingin sa akin kaya paano niya nalaman.

“Kay Diana ka nga lang nakatingin,” masama ko siyang tiningnan habang nakahalukipkip.

“Paano kita titingnan eh galit ako?” matalim ang tingin niya sa akin.

“Ikaw pa ang galit?” mas tumalim ang titig ko sa kaniya.

“Sige na magsimula na tayo,” pagmamadali niya.

Pumwesto siya sa aking harap, nakahalukipkip. Inirapan ko siya at hinagod ang buhok ko para talian iyon. Tumingin siya sa akin at hinintay akong matapos.

I repeated the steps he taught us earlier. And just like how he guided Diana, ganoon din ang ginawa niya sa akin.

“Sabi ni Diana amoy New West ka raw,” sabi ko sa kalagitnaan ng pagtuturo niya.

Kumunot ang kaniyang noo at inamoy ang sarili.

“Anong perfume ‘yan? Bench lang ‘yung binibili ni Mama sa akin. Hindi ko afford ang mamahaling perfumes.”

Ngumiwi ako. “Banda ‘yon! Like… amoy New West songs ka raw.”

Lito siya saglit ngunit bumalik ulit sa pagtuturo sa akin.

“Wala kang girlfriend, di ba?”

Namaywang si Trison “Magpapractice ka ba o magkukwentuhan nalang tayo?”

“Kung may nagconfess sa’yo na maganda tapos matalino, anong reaksyon mo?” Patuloy ko at hindi pinansin ang sinabi niya.

“Matutuwa. Minsan lang ‘yan.”

“Edi… igigirlfriend mo agad?”

He leered at me. “Alam ko ang ginagawa mo. Gusto mo ata akong madistract ngayong Quarter para malamangan ako. Hindi ‘yan mangyayari kaya tigilan mo na ‘yan.”

What?

“Tsaka kahit may girlfriend ako, hindi ko pa rin pababayaan ang pag-aaral ko. Kaya kung iniisip mong babagsak ako—”

“Edi igigirlfriend mo nga?” putol ko.

Natigilan siya at medyo nag-isip isip. Umirap ako at nagtungo sa aking upuan para kunin ang mineral water na dala ko.

Sumandal siya sa desk ng guro habang nag-iisip isip. Umiinom ako ng tubig nang lumingon siya.

“Maganda tapos matalino. Parang hindi ‘yan ikaw.”

Halos naibuga ko ang aking iniinom. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin na nakangisi na sa akin. Isinara ko ang takip at irita iyong itinapon sa kaniya na nasalo niya gamit ang isang kamay.

He opened it and lifted his head, pouring water on his mouth while his Adam’s apple moved.

“Sinabi ko bang ako? Feeling!” sabi ko nang maglakad patungo sa kaniya.

Isinara niya ang mineral water at inilapag iyon sa desk.

“Pero pasok ka naman sa standards kung kay Mama ang pagbabasehan. Magugustuhan ka no’n. Ako nga lang ang hindi,” he said nonchalantly while crossing his arms again.

Umupo ako sa upuan ng desk. Nalaglag ang tingin niya sa akin habang humalukipkip ako roon.

“Bakit? Coz you like smart girls? And I am not smart?” I glared at him.

“Mataray ka sa akin. Maarte ka pa kasi mayaman ka. Kung igigirlfriend kita, kawawa ako. Ubos ang allowance ko sa’yo.”

“Who said uubusin ko ang allowance mo?!” Tumaas ang tinig ko.

“At ayokong mag girlfriend habang nag-aaral. Ayos na ‘yung may trabaho na. Para kung high maintenance ang girlfriend ko, maaalagaan ko,” he continued nonchalantly.

“Edi mag girlfriend ka noong hindi magastos!Easy!”

“Ayoko ngang mag-girlfriend! Kulit mo ah?”

“Eh paano nga kung may nagconfess sa’yo na pasok sa standards mo? For sure matutukso ka!”

Umupo siya sa desk at Pumangalumbaba, habang tamad akong tinitingnan.

“Grade Twelve na ako next year. Kung taga rito siya, aalis din naman ako eh sa Maynila ko gustong mag kolehiyo. Tatanggapin ko ‘yung scholar sa martial arts ko. Doon ako magpapatuloy.”

I calmed down a bit. “Saang… college ka?”

Itinukod niya ang mga kamay sa likod. His body reclined a bit while he was looking at the ceiling.

“Kung papalarin sa malalaking unibersidad. Kung hindi…”

“Matalino ka naman. Maraming opportunity na nagghihintay sa’yo.”

Tumango siya. “Doon ako maghahanap ng girlfriend. Pampa-inspire,” ngisi niya.

“Akala ko ba pag may trabaho kana?”

He chuckled. “Alam mo panira ka ng pangarap. Magboyfriend ka rin nang hindi mo pinapakialaman ang akin.”

“May fiancé ako ‘no! Ganoon ang plano ni Lola sa amin!”

“Eh, hindi ba sixteen ka pa? Ang bata mo pa para magpakasal.”

“Seventeen na ako! Same with Abrielle.”

“Ah, months lang pala ang pagitan natin. I’m turning eighteen next month.”

Oh? So kaedad lang pala sila ni Ashtraia. Which means he’s just months older than me. Kaya naman pala kung makaasta ‘to parang ka edad ko lang.

May narinig akong boses sa labas. Ilang sandali lang, si Diana na nagmamadaling pumasok ay natigilan nang makita si Trison na nakaupo sa desk.

Her eyes narrowed a bit, but when her eyes drifted to me, her expression changed. Tahimik siyang naglakad sa kaniyang upuan at kinuha ang naiwan niya sa desk na notebook. Naglakad siya patungo sa pinto at nilingon kami saglit ngunit lumabas din.

Kahit wala naman akong ginagawang masama, pakiramdam ko, mali ang makita niya kaming dalawa ni Trison.

Chapter 7

Bad

When tomorrow came and the next thing I saw was Diana’s critical gaze, I immediately had an idea why she was looking at me like that.

It’s familiar to me. Hindi naman ito ang unang beses na napapaaway ako dahil lang nagugustuhan ako ng lalakeng gusto nila. I don’t know why they’re always blaming me for that instead of blaming the boy.

Impossible ‘yan, Ayeselle. Unless you’re the boy then you might not get hate at all.

Sinikap kong hindi iyon pansinin lalo na’t alam ko naman na wala akong… gusto kay Trison. He’s just trying to teach me the martial arts, and he’s also concerned about what happened with my cheerdancers.

Sa gilid ng aking mga mata, nahuhuli ko lagi ang pagsulyap niya. I tried to ignore it by avoiding her gaze. Ngunit noong lunch break na, nang nagsitayuan na ang mga kaklase ko, tumayo siya at lumapit sa akin.

“Anong meron sa inyo ni Trison?” she asked curiously as she crossed her arms.

Inaayos ko pa ang mga gamit ko at pinapasok iyon sa aking bag nang bumagal dahil sa tanong niya.

“He’s just teaching me the basic movements of taekwondo.” I explained carefully.

“Eh bakit kayong dalawa lang? By group, ah?” I can sense that she’s insinuating something.

Hindi agad ako nakasagot lalo na’t kung iisiping mabuti, nagkusa naman si Trison na turuan ako. As if I forced him, right?

“Gusto mo ba si Trison?” she immediately asked, cornering me.

My eyes narrowed. I shook my head immediately. Ang tingin niya ay nanghuhusga at may pinapahiwatig.

“Pwes gusto ko siya. At nagbabalak akong umamin sa kanya,” she said in a confident tone.

I nodded slowly and smiled. “Then goodluck.”

She looked at me as she weighed my expression. Tumalikod siya at naglakad na ngunit tumigil sa kalagitnaan at nilingon ako.

“Wala kang gusto sa kanya?” ulit niyang tanong.

Hindi agad ako nakasagot lalo na’t nasagot ko naman iyon sana kanina. When it took me seconds to answer it, she hastily walked towards me again, her eyes leering at me.

“May gusto ka sa kanya? Oo o hindi?”

“Hindi,” agaran kong sagot.

She rested both of her hands on my desk, her body crouching a bit so our eyes would level. Lalo na’t nakaupo pa ako sa aking upuan.

“Wala kang atraso sa akin. At wala akong pakialam kung Ferrarin ka. Pero kung gusto mo si Trison, lumaban ka ng patas sa akin. Babae sa babae. Ayokong pinagsisinungalingan ako, pero ahas pala.”

My eyes narrowed more.

“Hindi ko naman siya gusto,” I said in a more clear voice.

Her face calmed down. She nodded.

“Palalampasin ko pa na lumalapit ka sa kanya. Pag kami na, lumayo kana dapat,” she said with confidence.

Oo naman. Why would I even stick with Trison if he’s taken?

“Hindi naman kami magkaibigan para dumikit ako sa kanya,” giit ko.

Diana leered at me again as she crouched more, her face zooming in as she looked at me with so much judgment. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa labi niya at halatang nag lip gloss siya kaya makinang. I also noticed that her brows were done properly. And even her thick lashes are a bit curvy.

“Hindi kayo magkaibigan? So ano?  Naglalandian kayo?”

“Hindi!” agap ko. “We’re enemies!”

“Enemies? Kayo lang ata ang enemies na kilala kong romantic! Pinagsisinungalingan mo talaga ako!”

“Hindi nga! I hate him, and he hates me as well! Tanungin mo pa siya—” My eyes narrowed when I saw Trison peeking his head out of the open door of our classroom.

Diana looked at me as if she had caught me red-handed. Trison walked inside the classroom and took one of the shoulders of his bag as he opened the zipper.

Mabilis akong tumayo, natatarantang tumakbo lumapit kay Trison. Sinilip ko ang laman ng bag na binuksan niya at nakita ang bulaklak na mukhang galing pa ata sa pitas at maayos tingnan kahit nagkukumpulan sa loob ng kanyang bag.

“Diana wants to talk to you!” Inunahan ko na agad ang amba niyang pagsasalita sabay lingon kay Diana na kumurap ang mga mata, medyo napaayos sa pagtayo.

Trison’s expression remained confused. I gave him a meaningful look and closed the zipper of his bag. He tilted his head to look at Diana with furrowed brows, then looked at me again.

Bago pa man may masabi si Trison, mabilis na ang lakad ko palabas. Now that Diana is alone with him and she has witnessed that I am letting her confess to him, hindi niya naman siguro ako pag-iisipan ng kung ano-ano, ‘di ba?

Namula ang aking pisngi nang maalala ang mga bulaklak. He’s really persistent in trying to convince me to send those students out. I sighed and just went to the canteen to buy some lunch for myself.

Wala akong ideya kung ano na ang nangyari. Noong bumalik din naman ako sa classroom, wala na si Trison. I caught a glimpse of Diana’s smile and blushing cheek.

Lumunok ako nang maisip na baka… nagconfess na nga siya at… nagconfess din si Trison?

I tried not to think about it too much. Total wala na akong practice tuwing uwian, maaga akong lumabas ng school para makauwi na rin. Ngunit habang naglalakad, natanaw ko si Diana na nakikipagngitian kay Trison habang nasa stall sila noong toknengneng na paboritong kainin ni Trison.

My shoulder loosened. Bumagal din ang paglalakad ko at halos taranta pang tiningnan ang aking phone para i-check kung nasaan na ang sundo ko.

I think they’re already official. I mean, sa ngiti ni Diana, at sa nakikita ko ngayon, halata naman na… sila na?

Sinungaling! Akala ko ba pag may trabaho na siya at sa Maynila na maghahanap ng girlfriend?! He’s a scam! Oh, I knew it! Halata naman sa tindig niya na madali siyang matukso! And knowing that Diana is pretty, sexy, and smart, that’s his type of girl!

Iritang irita ako kahit makauwi na. I kept cursing Trison’s name in my mind. Talagang nanggigigil ako kasi sinungaling siya.

Fine, he’s turning eighteen next month! And maybe he’s already curious about relationships, that’s why he tried it. Kaya ganoon na ang naging pasya niya nang magconfess si Diana.

Halos buklatin ko ang makakapal na libro para mag-aral sa exam. Kung hindi lang may kumatok, hindi kakalma ang ekspresyon ko lalo na’t pumasok si Abrielle.

“Look…” she turned around while wearing a short white flowy dress with off-shoulder long sleeves.

“Wow…”

She giggled and ran towards me while holding her makeup kit. Inilapag niya iyon sa aking kama sabay upo sa aking harapan.

“I want to try some shades, and gusto kong praktisan ang mukha mo.”

Abrielle is more interested in makeup. Mahilig din naman ako pero pag may okasyon lang o party si Lola. I don’t really wear it to school.

Hinayaan ko si Abrielle sa gusto niya.

“Wala ka pa ring crush?” she asked.

Trison’s face suddenly flashed in my mind, which made my brows knit. Abrielle smirked at me.

“Sinong bigla mong naisip?”

“Hindi ko naman ‘yon gusto. We’re enemies…”

“Pero naisip mo?” mas lumawak ang ngisi niya.

“Oo kasi nakakakulo siya ng dugo.”

Humalakhak si Abrielle at dumampot ng lip gloss. Diana’s lips flashed in my mind as well.

“Hmm. That hate might turn into something else if you let him bug your mind from time to time.”

“Huh? You hate the person because you are pissed and annoyed at him. Not the other way around,” I defended.

Abrielle chuckled as she held my chin and caressed my lips with the lip gloss she was holding. I parted my lips a bit to concentrate.

“There’s what we called the more you hate, the more you love, Ayeselle…”

Halos mapairap ako.

“That’s not true.” Halos ngumiwi ako.

Iniisip ko pa lang na… magkakagusto ako kay Trison, parang ang laking error na sa isip ko.

I remembered the scene I saw earlier when he was with Diana. My shoulder loosened while I was looking myself in the mirror as Abrielle stood behind me, her hands resting on my shoulders as she smiled at me.

“Ang ganda mo, Ayeselle. Lalo na siguro pag nag modelo ka? I can see your features on the runways. Like you know, angelic but fierce like a goddess.”

I smiled at her.

The exam started the next day. Medyo naging kampante naman ako lalo na’t nag-aral ako. Kahit noong performance namin sa P.E. class, nakabisado ko lahat ng itinuro ni Trison.

Hindi nga lang ako relate minsan pagkatapos ng exam at pinag-uusapan ng mga kaklase ko ang sagot nila. Minsan ay kumukunot ang aking noo dahil parang ang layo layo ng sagot ko sa pinagtatalunan nila. Bakit naman nag-uungkatan ng past? Dapat pag lumipas na, hayaan na!

Kabado ako sa results. Sa mga araw na exam din, hindi ko nakita si Trison. Ngunit sa mga ngiti ni Diana, sa namumula niyang pisngi lagi, alam ko kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanilang dalawa.

Isa pa, huli na rin naman ito na magkakausap kami ni Trison? Lalo na’t iiwasan ko na siya! At hindi na nga kailangang ipakita ko sa kanya ang grades ko. Baka nakalimutan niya na kasi busy siya sa dates nila ni Diana. Busy siya sa girlfriend niya.

Inaayos ko na ang aking mga gamit, handa nang lumabas sa classroom iyon habang may natitira pang kaonting estudyante nang naglakad papalapit si Diana sa akin.

Pumwesto siya sa gilid ng aking upuan at humalukipkip sabay sandal sa pader. Pinanood niya ang pag-aayos ko ng gamit.

Bumuntonghininga ako. Tiningnan ko siya. She arched her brow at me.

“Tinitingin-tingin mo?” she asked sternly.

Huh? Siya nga itong panay tingin sa akin. Iniwas ko nalang ang tingin at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa ko nang yumuko siya, kaya mas lumapit ang mukha niya.

“Saan ka magkokolehiyo?”

“Sa Maynila,” deritso kong sabi.

“Anong school?”

Nag-isip isip ako. Hindi pa naman ako sigurado kung saan lalo na’t hindi ko pa napag-iisipan ang kurso ko.

“Hindi ko pa alam…”

Ngumiwi siya at mas nagduda ang tingin sa akin.

“At bakit hindi mo alam?”

Izinipper ko na ang bag ko at isinabit sa balikat ko. Nagsisimula na akong maglakad nang nagmamadaling kunin ni Diana ang gamit niya at sumabay sa akin.

“Nakailang boyfriend kana?” pag-iiba niya ng topic. “Wala pa ‘no? Halata nga.”

I looked at her curiously. Hindi ko alam kung para saan ang interview niya. Pinagseselosan niya pa rin ba ako kaya naninigurado siya?

“May fiance ako,” paglilinaw ko.

Umukit sa mukha niya ang pagkagulat.

“Huh?! Ilang taon ka lang? Seventeen! Bakit ka magpapakasal agad? Mahal mo ba ‘yan? Bakit mo gusto? Infatuation mo lang ‘yan!” She flipped her hair dramatically.

May sasabihin pa sana ako kung hindi ko lang namataan si Trison na papalapit sa amin, o sa kay Diana.

“Una na ako,” agaran kong sabi at nagmadaling maglakad lalo na’t ayokong pumagitna sa kanilang dalawa.

Lumabas ako at mabilis na nagtungo sa waiting shed habang tinitext ang aking sundo.

Ito naman ang tama, kaya umiiwas ako. At ayokong pag-initan ako ni Diana katulad ng nangyayari sa akin. Ayokong masangkot ulit sa gulo dahil na naman sa lalake. Hindi ko naman… gusto… uh si Trison.

He’s annoying.  And… he’s…

In my peripheral vision, I saw him jogging out of the school. Lumingon ako at nakitang nasa akin ang tingin niya. I swallowed hard, and I panicked. Mabilis ang pagtayo ko, ang pagmamadaling makababa sa waiting shed, and ang pagtakbo patungo sa mga tricycles na nakaparada.

Sumakay agad ako sa isang tricycle na wala pang laman. I glanced at the back and saw Trison running towards the tricycles as well.

“Ferrarin!” sigaw niya.

My eyes narrowed more.

“Manong tara! Papakyawin ko nalang po!” natataranta kong sabi.

The driver, who looked confused, started the engine as the tricycle roared until it moved.

Lumingon ako sa likuran. Nawala siya roon, pero nakita ko ang paggalaw rin ng isang tricycle at humahabol na sa amin. My eyes narrowed when Trison’s head peered out of the tricycle while his hand was holding it on the other side.

“Bilis po, Manong!” I said.

Lumingon lingon ang driver sa akin at kuryosong lumingon sa gilid ng salamin.

“Naku…  mukhang hinahabol tayo ng boyfriend mo. Nag-away ba kayo?” Tanong niya at binilisan ang pagpapatakbo.

Umiling agad ako. “Hindi ko po siya boyfriend.”

Ngumisi ang driver. “Ah… mukhang nag-away nga kayo.”

What? Tumingin ulit ako sa likuran at mas bumibilis din ang pagpapatakbo ng tricycle hanggang sa halos lumebel na ito sa amin.

“Baba diyan!” sigaw ni Trison.

“Bakit hindi ka bumalik kay Diana?” I shouted back, annoyed that he was chasing me.

Nagtinginan ang tricycle drivers namin at nagngitian.

“Nadadamay tayo pre…” ang tricycle driver.

“Mukhang nambabae ‘yang boyfriend niya at nahuli siguro. Diana ba, Miss?” ang driver na sinasakyan ko at nangingiti sa akin.

Hindi ko na alam kung sasagutin ko pa ba iyon lalo na’t talagang matalim ang tingin ni Trison sa akin.

“Pakihinto, Manong! Mag-uusap lang kami!” si Trison na sinigawan ang driver na sinasakyan ko.

Bumagal iyon, kaya marahas ang iling ko.

“Huwag po!”

Muling binilisan ng tricycle driver ang pagpapaandar.

“Naku, galit na galit sa’yo. Nahuli ka talaga nito,” said the driver.

Trison looked pissed. Nilingon niya ang tricycle driver na sinasakyan niya at may kung anong sinabi roon. Ilang sandali lang bumilis iyon hanggang sa bigla nalang lumiko at huminto sa aming harapan. Mabilis namang tumigil ang tricycle driver. Nakita ko sa harap ang paglabas ni Trison roon at ang seryoso niyang ekspresyon habang naglalakad na papalapit sa akin.

I quickly got out of the tricycle as well and started walking. Ilang sandali lang, hinawakan niya na ang kamay ko kaya napahinto ako.

“Anong nangyayari sa’yo?” tanong niya.

Anong… nangyayari sa akin? Ano nga ba ang nangyayari sa akin? I’m pissed. And… I don’t like the idea of seeing him.

Iritado ko siyang nilingon. Sa gilid ng aking mga mata, nasusulyapan ko ang dalawang tricycle driver na lumabas na rin at nakahalukipkip habang nakaharap sa aming banda at tila pinag-uusapan ang nangyari habang tinitingnan kami ni Trison.

Binuksan ko ang aking bag at inilabas ang aking card. I shoved it on his chest.

“Ayan. Tingnan mo.”

Bumaba ang tingin niya roon at kinuha iyon. Pinasadahan niya iyon ng tingin.

“Nasaan ang sa’yo nang matapos na ‘to!” I demanded.

Napatingin siya sa akin. “Hindi pa nagrerelease ng grades…”

I sighed aggressively. “Edi akin na ‘yan! There’s no sense in showing mine if you can’t show yours!” Nag-amba akong abutin iyon ngunit iniangat niya.

“Bakit ka umiiwas?” he asked confusingly.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Ang bobo na ‘to! Malamang, because there’s going on between him and Diana!

“Matalino ka talaga sa lagay na ‘yan?” halos mapangiwi ako sa kanya.

Agaran siyang nairita lalo na’t binasa niya ang labi, bumaling saglit sa gilid habang lumulobo ang pisngi, at noong sumulyap muli sa akin, may nanunuya nang ngiti sa labi niya.

“Hindi ako manghuhula, kaya sabihin mo.”

I tried to grab my card again, but he just raised it more. Lumapit ako ng husto sa kanya. Ang isa kong kamay ay nasa balikat niya na habang tumitingkayad ako at inaabot iyon.

I felt Trison’s hand on the side of my waist, holding me so he could guide me. Ngunit nakuryente ako roon at napatingin sa kanya. These dark gray eyes bore into me, demanding an answer with those deep stares.

My tiptoes slowly rested on the ground. My shoulder loosened as I lowered my hand. The hard beating of my heart is just so defecating that I can’t breathe.

This is bad. This is really bad.

Chapter 8

Watch

I snatched my card as soon as he got distracted as well. Namilog ang kanyang mga mata habang naglalakad na ako pabalik sa naghihintay na tricycle. Sumusunod na si Trison sa akin.

“Mag-usap nga muna tayo,” rinig ko siya sa likuran.

“Nag-uusap naman tayo ah? Just say it already instead of prolonging it!” giit ko habang natatanaw ang mga tricycle driver na nagiging alerto na.

“Bulaklak ‘di ba ang gusto mo?”

I gasped.

“Kalimutan mo na nga ‘yon! Ayoko nga! Lalaki lang ang gulo at gusto ko na iyong kalimutan!”

Hinigit niya ang braso ko hanggang muli akong mapaharap sa kanya.

“Huwag mong palagpasin ‘yon—”

“Fine! I will tell the guidance office, but you must also stop talking to me! And stop bugging me!” sigaw ko sa sobrang iritasyon na ikinatigil niya.

Doon ko lang din napagtanto ang isinigaw ko. Ang kulit niya kasi! Seryoso ang titig niya habang natitigilan na rin ako.

I sighed and shook my head. Nag-aambang maglakad ulit nang magsalita siya.

“Deal.”

My shoulder slowly loosened. Of course. Ano ba naman iyong hindi kami mag-uusap, ‘di ba? Na hindi na kami magpapansinan? Besides, we are not friends. We just got tangled up in each other’s issues. Nagkakainitan lang, kaya naging madalas ang pagtatalo namin.

And now that he has a girlfriend, alam kong benefit naman ‘yon sa kanya.

“Ituturing kitang hangin. Hindi kita papansinin. Titingnan. O kakausapin. Pero siguraduhin mong gagawin mo ang tama.”

I stopped and swallowed hard. I gritted my teeth while the cold wind blew against me. Dumaan siya sa aking gilid, deritso ang tingin sa harap habang nakapamulsa.

“Pag naulit ulit ito, ako na mismo ang gagawa ng paraan kung hindi mo kayang ipagtanggol ang sarili mo. Wala akong pakialam kung ikakapahamak ko iyon.”

Mariin akong pumikit nang marinig ko ang tinig niyang iyon kahit nasa bahay na ako. Hindi ko ma explain kung bakit sobrang frustrated ako.

But I gave my word to him. I’m torn. Ayos lang naman kahit hindi na kami mag-usap lalo na’t makulit siya at ayoko nang nasasangkot sa kanya lalo na ngayon na pinag-iinitan ako ni Diana.

Besides, he’s right, Ayeselle. You should punish those students who harassed you. Aanhin mo nga naman ang sasabihin ng ibang tao sa’yo kung kapalit noon ay pagkimkim sa pambabatos na natanggap mo.

Kumatok ako sa pinto ni Lola. Noong marinig ko ang tinig niya sa loob na pinapapasok ako, binuksan ko iyon.

I saw her at the table while she was busy reading some documents. Probably the hotel’s…

“Lola,” I called.

“What is it, Ayeselle?” tanong niya nang hindi man lang makatingin sa akin.

“I’m, uh, having trouble in school,” I confessed.

Natigilan siya habang nanatiling nakayuko ang ulo, ngunit ang mga mata ay umahon at halos lumagpas ang titig sa suot niyang salamin sa akin nang tingnan ako, tinitingnan kung hindi ba si Ashtraia ang pumasok.

Well, if it’s Ashtraia, she won’t bother telling it to our grandma. And if it was Arkaine, she would take care of it instead. Si Abrielle naman, ilap sa mga issues dahil wala ring pakialam.

“What trouble? Boys?” she insinuated, as if we are always getting into trouble at school because of it.

“Uh… someone…”

Inilapag ni Lola ang hawak niyang dokumento at dinampot ang telepono.

“Names, Ayeselle,” she demanded strictly.

“Gusto ko sanang pa sekreto lang, Lola. A-Ayokong kumalat sa school at… baka may pag-initan sila,” sabi ko nang maalala ang ginawa ni Trison.

“Names,” her impatient voice told me, telling me that she’s serious.

“N-Niel del Pilar and Cyrus Mendoza,” I uttered.

Inilagay ni Lola ang telepono sa tainga at humilig sa swivel chair niya.

“This is Svetrina Veronica Ferrarin. Two of your students harassed one of my grandchildren.”

Yumuko ako habang patuloy kong naririnig ang demand ni Lola. I know she is now talking to the principal of the school. I heard about the details that she’s inviting the principal to come over so they could talk about it more.

Hindi naman bago sa amin ang pagdalaw ng principal sa mansyon lalo na’t hindi naman ito ang unang beses na may nasasangkutan kaming gulo. Her last visit here was during Arkaine’s trouble, when she punched a senior. Naging hot topic din kasi lalo na’t sa school pa at sa mismong open field. Maraming nakakita. She showed violence, which is against the school.

Iyon pa ang laman ng isip ko habang patungo na sa school at iniisip ang magiging kalalabasan nito.

But you are the victim here, Ayeselle. Why are you feeling guilty when they purposely disrespected and harassed you? Na guilty ba sila noong ginawa nila ‘yon? No.

Ngayon na ako naman ang may kinasasangkutan, at lalake na naman, bumabagabag iyon sa isip ko kahit sa kalagitnaan ng klase.

“God ang sarap niyang humalik. He touched the side of my neck while he was sucking my lower lip lightly. Feel na feel ko. I was damp.” I heard Diana’s voice while she was talking to our classmates, who are part of her big circle of friends.

“First kiss mo ba siya?” may isa ang nagtanong.

“Hindi naman. Pero siya ata ang pinaka masarap humalik. Hay, I’m so in love,” she said dreamily.

Ang bumabagabag sa isip ko ay biglaang nabura at napalitan ng mukha ni Trison na nakikipaghalikan kay Diana.

Tss. Liar. Sabi na at talagang matetempt siya kay Diana. Hindi man lang sila nag getting to know. Ngayon naghahalikan na talaga. That’s normal since they’re already a couple, for sure, but isn’t it too fast? Gano’n ka sabik si Trison? Nasa mukha rin naman noon.

My stomach churned. I gritted my teeth and just tried to set it aside when it was really bugging my mind.

On the next day, kumalat na nga sa school na kick out Niel at Cyrus. Rinig na rinig ko ang bulungan noong pumasok ulit ako.

“May alam daw sila Althea kung sino ang nasa likod eh.”

“Halata namang Ferrarin. Eh sila lang naman ang may kapangyarihan ditong magpatalsik ng estudyante pag hindi nila nagustuhan. Pinapaboran dahil pinaka mayamang angkan dito.”

“Ang feeling talaga nila. Akala nila lahat ng boys, patay na patay sa kanila.”

“Tumabi nga kayo! Itulak ko kayo diyan!” ang pamilyar na boses ni Diana ang narinig ko kaya napalingon ako sa likod.

Ang grupong pinag-uusapan iyon sa daan ay agarang nagsialisan habang maarteng dumaan si Diana, nakasabit sa kamay ang bag at sa kabilang kamay ay may hawak na face powder, at ang isa naman ay libro. She walked sassily and passed me as well.

Akala ko ba ayaw ni Trison sa maarte? Yes, she’s smart, but… maarte naman siya ah? Hindi ko namalayang natulala pala ako kaya nang may maamoy na pamilyar na pabango, at ang pagdaan niya sa gilid ko, napasulyap ako kay Trison na bagong ligo pa habang nakabulsa at seryosong naglakad.

He didn’t notice me or… he’s determined to stand up for our deal? Grabe naman siya manindigan. And now that I did what he said, hindi na kami magpapansinan. At hindi niya na rin ako kakausapin. That’s good! Maingay siya. At makulit din siya. Palagi nalang kaming nagpapatayan kaya mas mabuting tahimik na ulit ang buhay ko.

“Sino raw ‘yon? Niel at Cyrus? Mga Grade Ten?” kuryosong tanong ni Ashtraia nang sumapit ang Sabado at nasa may pool kami.

Lola is out, so she’s free to smoke. Ilang beses na siyang pinagbantaan ni Lola na siya mismo ang sisira sa atay niya kaso hindi sila nagpapapigil ni Arkaine.

Inilagay ko ang kamay sa aking tiyan at pumikit habang dinadama ang humahalik na sinag ng araw sa akin.

“Yup. They squeezed my boobs.” I chuckled, but the pain mingled in it.

“You didn’t punch them?” may iritasyon sa tinig niya.

“I can’t…”

“So it was you, Ayeselle? Akala ko may sinuntok na naman si Arkaine,” said Abrielle na sumulpot din.

Naramdaman ko ang pagsiksik niya sa lounger ko, at dinaganan pa ako habang nakayakap sa akin. I chuckled while she rested her head on my shoulder.

“Huwag na nating pag-usapan,” sabi ko.

The topic quickly diverted when they realized I was not comfortable talking about it. Humalo na rin si Arkaine sa amin na naunang lumusong sa pool. We watched how her body submerged into the water gracefully as she swam to the edge and swam back to us.

“Maayos naman si Bryson, Ashtraia,” si Abrielle, tinutukoy ang lumutang nang fiancé ni Ashtraia lalo na’t ngayong buwan din ang birthday niya.

“May girlfriend ‘yon. At hindi ko tipo si Bryson,” ngisi niya.

Umahon si Arkaine sa pool area. Hinaplos niya paatras ang basang buhok habang napapatingin kami sa katawan niya. She picked up the clean towel on her lounger.

“Nagkakamabutihan kayo ng fiance mo, Arkaine?” Abrielle asked while she was already pulling on her t-shirt, ready to take a dip into the pool.

“Ayos lang…”

Medyo hindi ko gusto ang pagkakaroon ng ganoon. Hindi ko alam pero noong nalaman ko ang mga plano ni Lola na siya na ang magdidisiplina sa amin simula noong nandito kami sa puder niya, wala naman akong masyadong iniisip sa fiance na ‘yan. But now that we are talking about it, I suddenly feel like it’s frustrating.

When Ashtraia’s big event came, our parents came as well. My mother’s strict face welcomed my sight on the venue while she was looking at me meaningfully.

“Nasaan si Ashtraia?” I heard Lola’s voice as she approached Arkaine.

Tumayo si Mommy dala ang champagne glass, sumimsim doon at inilagay pabalik sa tray nang dumaan ang waiter.

Sinenyasan ako ni Mommy na pumasok sa mansyon habang nauuna siyang maglakad. Hinila ko ang bawat gilid ng aking long gown at sumunod sa kanya.

My mother’s eyes roamed around the living room contently before she walked upstairs. I followed her. Medyo kabado dahil alam kong sa kwarto siya dederitso.

“Have you received the books I sent to you?” she asked while I was following her.

“Yes, Mom…”

Tumigil kami sa pinto ng aking kwarto. Ako mismo ang bumukas noon at naunang pumasok. My room is clean because I have my own maid given to me by Lola. Siya lagi ang nag-oorganize ng kuwarto ko.

I closed the door slowly as her eyes roamed around. Nakita ko ang mga librong pinadala niya sa bedside table, lalo na’t doon ko iyon inilapag.

She looked content, but her eyes continued roaming around, grazing her finger on each of the furniture pieces, making sure that there was no dust.

Hinaplos ko ang aking siko. My heartbeat isn’t steady anymore. Sanay naman ako na strict siya, but for the longest time that I didn’t see her, I felt so carefree, like a butterfly who just went out of its cocoon. But now that she’s critically judging the things in my room and trying to find fault in them, kabado na agad ako.

Her eyes stopped on the make-up kit of Abrielle, including the dress she forgot because she lets me wear it as well. Her thumb and pointing fingers picked up the fabric of the dress.

“This is yours?” may pang-iinsulto sa tinig niya. “How many times have I told you to dress like a lady? Not like a young, cheap-looking girl. You are elegant, Ayeselle. Look like one.”

“It’s Abrielle’s—” I paused but it’s too late.

“Oh. Makes sense,” she said, arched her brow, and also opened the zipper and saw the different types of make ups.

“I never included make-ups like these. Probably Abrielle’s make-ups again?” Her head glanced at me, and her eyes held the familiar judgments that imprisoned me for the longest time.

“It’s our bond, Mom—”

“Hindi mo ba napapansin, Ayeselle? She’s distracting you.”

“Mom, it wasn’t—”

“Malandi ang ina noon. Tingin mo saan magmamana si Abrielle? Look at her types. Make-ups. Small dresses. Men?” She chuckled insultingly. “At kinukunsinti ng ina niya dahil ganoon din siya. They’re both cheap.”

Namilog ang aking mga mata. Alam kong pangit ang tingin niya sa ina ni Abrielle, ngunit ang isali niya rin ito sa galit niya, parang sobra na.

“We are turning eighteen, and it’s normal to get curious about those kinds of things. I don’t see anything wrong if we wear make-up, short dresses, and like men at this age, Mom. At nag-aaral namin kaming mabuti ni Abrielle.”

“Normal, you say? Getting obsessed with make-up? Dresses? Boys? You are not like that, Ayeselle. You don’t need make-up or boys. You only need books since I will put you in a prestigious college such as Ivy League. Focus on your goals and stop getting distracted with these things,” she said, dropping it on the floor.

Sumabog ang make-up kit at lumabas ang iilan doon na kumalat agad sa sahig. Mommy intentionally stepped on it as she walked towards me. Bumaba ang aking balikat.

“This is the reason why you’re getting harassed at school because you are wearing make-up and short dresses. You are attracting the devils,” she said, caressing my cheek.

I froze a bit. Umahon ang tingin ko sa kanya. How… how… can she tell me that it’s about the makeup and short dresses?

“Wala sa make-up o sa pananamit ang imbitasyon para bastusin ang isang babae!” giit ko sa nanlalabong mga mata. “They harassed me while I was wearing my uniform! While I was doing my stunts! They harassed me while I was decent, Mom!”

“Kaya sinabi ko sa’yo, layu-layuan mo si Abrielle dahil bad influence ang kagaya niya. She would only teach you how to seduce men like her mother—”

“Mom, I was harassed! Do you understand? Bakit mo dinadamay si Abrielle rito?” halos mapaatras ako sa sobrang sakit at iritasyong nararamdaman ko sa kanya.

“Don’t raise your voice at me.” May pagbabanta ang titig niya. “I never raised you like this, Ayeselle. Kailan ka pa natutong sumagot? Kailan ka pa naging ganito?”

My tears flowed. Akala ko masakit na iyong nabastos ako, pero hindi ko alam na may mas ikakasakit pa pala noon. Your family, the mother you thought you could lean on, chose to disregard my pain and blame me for what happened to me.

“What did I tell you, huh? Talking back to your parents is a sign of rebellion! Hindi mo ba naiisip ang karma na sasapitin mo, Ayeselle? You should never talk back, no matter how wrong and painful it may sound, because I am still your mother! The mother who raised you! The mother who gave birth to you! The mother who suffered while raising you!”

“Then you should have killed me, Mom! You should have… aborted me,” iyak ko.

Her eyes narrowed. Ilang hakbang lang iyon hanggang sa dumapo ang kamay niya sa akin.

“How dare you?” Her bloodshot eyes glared at me.

The sting from her slap is bearable, unlike the pain she stabbed into my chest.

“Please, go…” iling ko at binuksan ang door knob.

“Ayeselle Estiece!” tawag niya ngunit tuloy tuloy ang hakbang ko, ang pagtakbo habang pinapalis ang aking luha.

“Ayeselle,” My dad called when he entered the living room, but I just passed into him, determined to run away from the disrespect I got.

Dumeritso ako sa rancho para kumuha ng kabayo. Wala akong pakialam kahit na nandito silang lahat at may malaking party ang nagaganap. Wala akong pakialam kahit parang pambabastos ito para kay Mommy.

Ayos lang na bastusin niya ako, pagsalitaan ng masasakit, at isisi sa akin ang nangyaring pambabastos, ngunit ang sumagot sa kanya pabalik, ang tumayo at ipagtanggol ang sarili, ay nakakabastos na para sa kanya dahil ina ko siya.

This is the reason why I was always afraid to stand up for myself because, all my life, I was raised by her like a robot. That voicing out your pain is a sign of disrespect! Talking back is disrespectful!

I’ve had enough of such views, and I don’t want to be imprisoned by her twisted values. If rebelling against it is considered disrespectful, then I am voluntarily leaving her watch.

Chapter 9

Falling

“I need a room,” sabi ko kay Mrs. Ruiz, Lola’s right hand when it comes at handling the hotel.

Kuryoso niyang tiningnan ang aking kabuuan. May laman din ang titig niya at para bang may naglalaro sa kanyang isip kaya ako ngayon nandito.

Alam ko naman kung ano ang rason lagi ni Abrielle kaya napapadalas iyon dito. Hindi niya na isinaboses ang nasa aking iniisip at siya na mismo ang kumausap sa front desk, kinuha ang susi ng aking magiging kuwarto saka ako sumunod sa kanya.

“Please tell my Lola I am not coming home tonight. At pakisabihan din na gusto kong ipadala nalang dito ang iilang gamit ko such as bikinis and comfortables clothes,” sabi ko.

Tumango si Mrs. Ruiz, binuksan ang pinto para sa akin, at iginiya ako papasok. She took a presidential room for me. Ayos lang naman kahit ordinaryo lang at hindi gaano kalakihang room pero dahil wala na akong lakas para magtanong pa, pumasok nalang ako.

“Ipapadala ko rito ang dinner mo. Kumain kana ba?”

I shook my head. When the party started, hindi man lang ako nakakain doon dahil na rin na distract sa mga bisita, sa mismong party, at ang mapanuring tingin ni Mommy sa akin.

Ngayon ko lang din naramdaman ang gutom kung hindi iyon tinanong ni Mrs. Ruiz sa akin.

Noong mapag-isa na, pagod akong umupo sa sofa at kinuha ang remote para i-on ang tv. I need some noise, at least.

Saktong natapat iyon sa isang channel at may palabas kaya pinanood ko iyon saglit, pilit kinakalimutan ang naging usapan namin ni Mommy.

It was the first time I talked back, the first time I stood up for myself because she’s already too much.

Hindi ba purket ina ko siya, kailangan bang manahimik na lamang ako lagi kung ganoon na ka sakit ang binibintang niya? Why can’t they handle disrespect when they’re the ones who do it first?

Ilang sandali lang, dumating din naman ang room service kasabay ng pagdating din ng pinahatid kong mga damit para may magamit ako.

Kinuha ko ang aking bikini at dinala iyon sa pool area para doon na magmuni-muni. Nagbihis ako ng puting two piece bikini saka rin umupo sa lounger habang yakap yakap ang aking mga hita nang may makita akong pamilyar na pumasok.

My eyes slowly narrowed when I saw Diana in her black two-piece bikini as she combed her long hair. Sa kanyang balikat ay may nakasabit na puting tuwalya.

Nagtama ang aming tingin. Ang paglalakad niya ay natigil at namilog ang kanyang mga mata, ngunit agaran ding nakabawi.

Naglakad siya patungo sa lounger. Binawi ko ang tingin at itinuon sa pool, mabilis na pinalis ang luha, at baka mapansin niya pa iyon.

She dropped her white towel on the lounger beside mine. Umupo siya at pahilig na ipinagkasya ang sarili sa kabuuan noon. She crossed her arms and glanced at me.

“This is your clan’s hotel anyway. Talagang imposibleng hindi ako makakakita ng Ferrarin dito,” aniya.

Hindi ako sumagot habang naiisip kung sino ang kasama niya. Baka… si Trison? Pero anong ginagawa nila rito sa hotel?

And… what could be the reason why they decided to check in? Yes, they’re lovers, but it’s really giving me some other ideas I shouldn’t be thinking about.

“Are you crying?” She sounded pissed.

Hindi ako umimik. Umahon ang pagkakahilig niya sa lounger at sinilip talaga ang aking mukha. I tilted my head so I could hide my face, but she just gasped.

“That’s why you should make up your heart. It’s complicated when you’re falling for someone else while you have a fiancé as well. It’s like you’re cheating—”

“Anong sinasabi mo?” Putol ko nang hindi ko siya maintindihan.

“Si Trison. Duh! Sino pa ba!”

My eyes slowly narrowed. “Ang boyfriend mo?”

Her eyes narrowed as well. Nalaglag ang kanyang panga, ilang sandali lamang ay humagalpak siya at itinuro ang mukha ko.

“Is that the reason why you’re avoiding him?”

Lito pa ako sa iniisip niya nang ngumisi siya.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” she confessed.

“Huh? Pero narinig kita na naghahalikan kayo at—”

“Oh my gosh! You are so nosy! I am not talking about Trison! I am talking about the soccer player! My other crush!”

“Huh?” mas lalo akong nalito.

“Trison rejected me,” pairap niyang pag-amin.

“Pero… kinikilig ka noong umagang ‘yon…”

Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa akin, ngumingiwi. “Wow. You are paying too much attention to me without paying attention to the fact that you actually like him.”

Lumunok lamang ako at hindi makapagsalita. Humalukipkip siyang muli, nakahiga na sa lounger, at may ngiti sa labi.

“Nilibre niya kasi ako ng tokneneng for peace offering daw kasi ayaw niyang masaktan ako. God… sinong hindi kikiligin sa kanya ‘di ba? Kaya crush na crush ko talaga eh. Mabait. Marespeto sa babae.”

What?! Which means… hindi talaga siya girlfriend ni Trison?!

“Eh bakit may boyfriend kana agad?”

“Ano ako desperate? Nireject na, maghahabol pa?!” medyo agresibo niyang sabi kaya naglingunan ang iilang tao sa pool.

Bumaling ang ulo niya sa akin. Ang mga ilaw sa likuran ay medyo nagpatingkad sa naninimbang niyang titig at sa ngising may pinapahiwatig.

“At nagseselos ka naman? Iniwasan mo agad kasi akala mo kami na? Hmm…”

“Hindi ah,” I said, taking my gaze away from her.

“Eh umiiyak ka nga.”

“Hindi naman ito dahil sa kanya,” pag-amin ko habang nasa malayo na ang tingin.

“Fiance?”

Umiling ako. “Family.”

“Oh…”

Ilang sigundong katahimikan ang namayani sa aming pagitan. Nasa madilim na langit na ang kanyang tingin habang nasa kumikislap na mga ilaw na galing sa malalayong establisyemento naman ang akin na tanaw na tanaw rito.

“Iyak ka nalang. I’m not good at giving advices,” aniya kaya natawa ako nang bumaling ako sa kanya.

“Tapos na akong umiyak,” sabi ko.

“Edi paiyakin kita ulit? Lalandiin ko ang crush mong si Trison? Iiyak ka for sure!”

“H-Hindi ko siya crush ah!” agap ko.

“Lunurin kaya kitang sinungaling ka?” she hissed and pulled herself up.

“Marunong ako lumangoy,” I said, sticking my tongue out.

Tumayo siya at determinado akong hinila paalis sa aking lounger.

“Let’s see then!” hamon niya.

Napatayo ako at naghihilaan pa kaming dalawa patungo sa pool. She pushed me, so I grabbed her bikini top along with her, and we both fell into the water of the pool.

Nauna akong umahon at medyo umubo. Umahon din si Diana at nauubong hinilamos ang mukha. Nang makita ko ang kanyang dibdib ay halos humagalpak ako at itinuro iyon.

Her eyes narrowed, and she covered her boobs with her hands. Natatawa kong iginala ang tingin para mahanap iyon hanggang makita ang top niyang lumulutang. Amba ko na sana iyong lalanguyin nang bigla ring hinila ni Diana ang aking top.

Namimilog ang aking mga mata nang bumaling sa kanya. She smirked and tossed my top into the sun lounger.

Mabuti nalang at puro babae ang naliligo. Kung meron mang lalake, iyon ay ang batang dalawang taong gulang na akay ng kanyang Mommy.

Medyo gumaan ang loob ko kahit papaano. Nakalimutan ko ang alalahanin sa gabing iyon lalo na’t naghihilaan na kami ng natitirang bikini ni Diana habang nagtitilian.

She’s one of our mean classmates lalo na’t maarte siya. Hindi ko inaasahang medyo makakagaanan ko siya ng loob.

Normal naman si Diana noong Lunes, kahit panay ang lingon ko sa kanya. At sa tuwing nahuhuli niya akong titingnan siya, manliliit ang mga mata niya at gagalaw ang ulo kaya nakanguso akong iiwas ng tingin.

Pagkatapos ng klase ay lumabas muna ako para dumayo sa classroom ni Abrielle.

“Ayos ka lang?” tanong niya, marahil ay alam na agad ang rason kung bakit ako umalis sa party.

“Oo. Medyo nagkasagutan lang kami ni Mommy,” sabi ko habang binubuksan ang aking dalang mineral water.

“Ano bang sabi?” tanong niya habang abala sa kanyang lunch box.

“As usual. Pinipressure ako sa grades ko. Pero malaki lately ang marka ko,” I smiled.

She smiled back at nagsimula nang galawin ang pagkain. Ginalaw ko na rin ang akin, kahit lumilipad ang isip ko.

I adore Abrielle as my step-sister. Nakabuo kami ng friendship at kasangga ko siya sa lahat ng bagay. Her mother was nice to me, and even though my mother would always tell me that she’s just trying to get my trust in order to take the position in our lives, a part of me just wants to forget the issues of our parents.

The only thing I want here is to keep Abrielle out of their fight. To stop comparing her to her mother’s mistake.

Bumuntonghininga ako habang bumabalik na sa classroom at iyon pa rin ang laman ng aking isip nang madatnan ko ang nagkakagulo kong mga kaklase.

Diana was crossing her arms in front of the teacher’s table while my classmates flocked all over it.

“Baka naman sa’yo ‘yan, Diana?” isa sa mga girls.

“O para kay…” isa isang nagsilingunan ang mga babae sa akin, at kahit ang mga lalaking nakikiusa ay napatingin na rin.

Kuryoso akong naglakad papasok hanggang sa medyo nahawi sila sa table at nakita ko ang isang bouquet ng bulaklak.

“Halika rito,” tawag ni Diana habang nakaangat ang kilay.

My brows knitted while I was walking toward them. Nginuso niya ang bulaklak.

“Tingnan mo nga,” she ordered.

Kunot noo akong tumigil sa harap ng mesa at nakita ng mas malinaw iyon. It’s a bouquet of different flowers that consists of sunflowers, daisies, and white roses wrapped in black paper. It was so big that it would fit in your arms.

Tiningnan ko ang maliit na letter at binuksan iyon saka ko binasa sa aking isip.

Hindi na ba mukhang tarantado?

My eyes slowly narrowed when I suddenly heard Trison’s voice in my head. Sinilip ni Diana ang aking ekspresyon at pinindot ang aking pisngi.

“Namumula. Kanino galing ‘yan?”

I swallowed hard as I shook my head. Isinara ko ang letter at binitiwan iyon. Wala namang pangalan kaya… Baka hindi para sa akin?

“Wala namang pangalan,” sabi ko at umalis doon.

They followed my movements as I occupied my seat and pretended to be busy with my things.

“Baka galing sa stalker mo, pre?” isa sa mga kaklase kong lalake.

“Mukha ba akong tarantado?” agresibo ang pagkakasambit ng isa kong kaklase.

“Hindi ko talaga gets ang nakalagay. Baka may hidden meaning talaga tapos doon natin malalaman ang pangalan?”

“Mukhang mamahalin ito. Sino bang mayaman dito sa school? Baka galing sa senior?”

“Huwag niyo nang hawakan! Baka para sa adviser natin!”

No one wants to claim the flower. Makahulugan lagi ang tingin ni Diana sa akin at para bang pinagdududahan ako. Kahit may ideya ako, parang ayoko ring kunin. Titig na titig ako sa bulaklak kahit nagsisimula na ang lectures hanggang sa namalayan kong mag-isa na lamang ako sa classroom at tapos na pala ang klase.

Tumayo ako at niligpit ang aking gamit. Noong naglalakad na, bumagal pa ang aking hakbang hanggang sa huminto akong muli sa harap ng mesa. I sighed.

Kung para sa akin, bakit hindi niya nilagyan ng pangalan ko? O kaya ibinigay sa akin sa personal? Pero para saan naman itong bulaklak eh wala na kaming kailangan sa isa’t isa?

May dumaan sa bukas na pinto kaya napalingon ako. Saktong nagtama ang tingin namin ni Trison, kaya namilog ang mga mata ko. Nakapamulsa siyang naglakad paalis, tila umaaktong dumaan lamang kahit halatang sinadya niyang tingnan ang loob ng aming classroom.

Mabilis akong naglakad at itinagilid ang aking ulo para masilip siya sa labas.

“Trison!” I called.

Trison didn’t stop. I sighed aggressively, held my breath, and shouted his name again.

“Trison Wallace Alcaraz!”

He stopped. The only thing that moved was his head when he glanced over his shoulder.

“Halika rito,” tawag ko at balik sa aking sarili sa loob.

Hindi ko alam kung babalik ba siya ngunit nagbabakasakali nalang. Ngunit habang hinihintay ang presensya niya, biglang bumilis ang kalabog ng aking dibdib.

I swallowed hard and caressed my chest when I couldn’t even stop it. It was defecating while my stomach was churning.

Ilang sandali lamang, dumaan na nga ang kanyang imahe at tumigil sa may pinto. Our eyes locked. His familiar gray eyes bore into mine as I looked at him confidently.

He crossed his arms and leaned on the side of the door as he rested his head on it as well. The first thing that I noticed is the small bandage on his hand. Gusto ko sanang magtanong doon kaso naalala ko ang bulaklak kaya itinuro ko iyon.

“Sa’yo ba ‘to galing?” I asked.

“Hindi mo gusto?” tanong niya.

My eyes narrowed when he abruptly confessed that it was his!

“B-Bakit mo ako binibigyan ng bulaklak?”

“Nasa usapan natin ‘yan. Ginawa mo ang gusto ko kaya ginawa ko rin ang gusto mo,” aniya.

My shoulder loosened. I looked at the flowers again. Ang layo nga nito sa binigay niya sa akin noon. It’s big, and it’s too expensive-looking.

Medyo naalarma ako nang maglakad siya patungo sa akin. I swallowed again. The beating of my heart tripled. Ramdam ko ang pamumula ng aking pisngi at ang kagustuhan kong umatras ngunit huli na lalo na’t huminto na siya sa aking harapan.

May kinuha siya sa kanyang bulsa at may ipinakita sa akin. Nagkasalubong ang aking kilay nang bumalandra ang card niya.

Inisa isa ko ang bawat subject, habang namimilog ang aking tingin.

“Huh? Sa’yo ba ‘to?!”

“Tingnan mo ang pangalan,” aniya.

Tiningnan ko sa itaas at totoo nga. His previous quarters were high and consistent, unlike the recent quarter. At ang mas nakakagulat dahil mas malalaki ang marka ko sa kanya!

“Panalo ako!” I screamed and laughed.

He scoffed and looked away, but his lips were stretching for a smile.

“Nanalo ako! Mas mataas ang grades ko sa’yo ngayon!” pagmamayabang ko at tumawa.

Irita niya akong tiningnan kahit naglalaro ang kontroladong ngiti sa labi niya.

“Akin na nga ‘yan,” inagaw niya iyon sa akin at umismid.

“Mababawi ko ‘to sa finals…” saka niya iyon muling pinasok sa bulsa niya.

“Aalis na ako. At may usapan tayo. Hanggang next school year na ‘yon. Hindi tayo magpapansinan dahil ayoko ng distraction,” saka siya tumalikod at naglakad na sa may pinto.

Distraction? What?! I am a distraction to him?!

“Anong ibig mong sabihin?!” sigaw ko.

Hindi sumagot si Trison ngunit nang lumabas, nasilip ko ang ngiti sa kanyang labi bago siya tuluyang nawala sa aking tingin.

Kinuha ko ang bulaklak at inakay iyon. I crouched a bit and smelled it too while smiling.

“Ahah!” ang marahas at makahulugang sigaw ni Diana ay halos magpatalon sa akin sa gulat.

She barged into the room and walked toward me. Ibinaba ko ulit ang bulaklak sa mesa ngunit alam kong huli na ‘yon. She crossed her hands and leaned closer, her eyes leering at me.

“Nakasalubong ko si Trison na kagat labing nakangiti at sumisipol pa. Ahah! Naglalandian nga kayong mga manhid kayo!” Itinuro niya ang aking mukha.

“Hindi kami naglalandian,” giit ko kahit ramdam ko ang pamumula ng pisngi.

“Sinungaling ka talaga. Nahuli pa kitang pangiti ngiti at inaamoy amoy ang bulaklak! Ano ‘yan, kinikilig ka sa kamanhiran mo?”

Ngumuso ako. I kept on noticing it, to be honest. Yes, I am still young, but I know this feeling.

Diana put her hand on my chest, which made my eyes narrow. Her eyes narrowed as well when she realized that it was beating so fast.

“Tingnan mo na! Ang bilis ng kalabog oh! Trison ba sinisigaw niyan?!” she teased.

I blushed and just chuckled. Diana smirked at me and leaned her face even more until I saw the playfulness in her eyes.

“You like him, don’t you? No. You’re falling for him! ‘Yan ang totoo,” aniya sa siguradong tinig na hindi ko agad nasagot.

Chapter 10

Crush

Diana has been a consistent teaser since that day. Hindi ko naman sinabing gusto ko talaga si Trison, o isinaboses, lalo na’t mortal enemy pa rin ang tingin ko sa kanya. But there’s this foreign feeling every time I think of him, and every time the cloud turns gray for a hint of rain, I would always remember him, and it would always make my stomach churn, my heart skip a beat, and my lips stretch for a smile.

“Lika na!” hila sa akin ni Diana sa building ng mga junior high.

Ayoko sanang pumunta, but she’s insisting that she wants to help me out with my small problem. Hindi ko naman pinoproblema!

“Lalakad lang tayo kunwari! Dadaan! Tapos siguraduhin mong titingnan mo ha!”

“Paano kung hindi ko makikita?”

“Edi daan ulit! Simple!” she said while
pulling my pulse.

It became a hobby. May araw na lagi naming target iyon at dadaan sa classroom nila. Masusulyapan ko lagi si Trison at mahuhuli niya madalas ang tingin ko.

We would always lock eyes. At sa tuwing nangyayari iyon, parang natutunaw na ang mga paa ko.

Minsan nahihiya ako sa mga kalokohan ni Diana, pero madalas, ako pa ata ang mangyayaya sa kanya na dumaan kami ulit sa classroom ni Trison.

Kaya noong makitang nasa labas ang iilang boys, at isa si Trison na nakahalukipkip sa may pinto at nakikipaghalakhakan sa mga kaibigan niya, parang gusto kong umatras.

“Tayo na. Kunwari hahanapin natin ang pinsan mo,” kurot ni Diana sa gilid ko nang mag-amba akong tumalikod.

Iyon pa talaga ang irarason namin eh hindi naman iyon pumapasok! Baka nga nag cutting class pa si Ashtraia!

It was too late to back out because some of his classmates had already glanced at us. Pasulyap-sulyap ako kay Trison na nasa labi pa ang ngiti ngunit nang makita ako, nanatili na ang tingin sa akin.

“Hi boys!” bati ni Diana, mahigpit ang hawak sa aking pulso.

I cleared my throat as I stood behind her. Halos gusto ko pang magtago.

“Hi Diana!” Masigasig ang tinig nila na lagpas nasa lima ata ang bilang.

Noong umahon ang tingin ko, nahanap ko agad ang pagtagilid ng ulo ni Trison, sinisilip ako sa likuran ni Diana.

I swallowed more, wanting to pull Diana away and just run. Grabe ang kalabog ng aking dibdib habang kalmado ang tindig ni Trison, ngunit nangingiti habang nakahalukipkip pa rin.

“Anong sadya niyo?” mahinahong tanong ni Trison.

“Ah… Nandiyan ba ang pinsan ni Ayeselle? Si Ashtraia?” Diana conversed smoothly.

I slowly lifted my head again. Trison tilted his head again, trying to lock eyes with me. Gusto ko nalang atang samaan siya ng tingin sa pinaparamdam niya sa sistema ko!

“Wala ‘yun dito lagi. Hanapin mo doon sa soccer field. Baka nando’n,” si Trison.

“Pakilala mo naman kami, Diana!” hirit ng ibang boys.

“Hindi niyo ba kilala? Si Ayeselle ‘yan, ‘yung Ferrarin,” halakhak ni Trison.

“Diana! Pakilala mo kami! Kahit shake hands lang!” pilit pa rin ng boys na nagkumpulan na sa kanyang harap.

Umahon ulit ang aking ulo. Nakapamulsa na si Trison, nasa gilid pa rin ng pinto at nakasandal, ngumingiti sa mga lalakeng kaklase, tila naeengganyo sa usapan.

“Oh sure! Ayeselle… halika,” si Diana na nilingon ako at nginitian, makahulugan ang titig sa akin.

I smiled and nodded. I am not that shy. Ayos naman sa akin ‘yung pinapakilala ako, at nakikipagconverse sa boys. Parang nilunok ko nalang ang hiyang nararamdaman ko lalo na’t nandiyan si Trison.

I stood next to Diana as she guided me in front of them. Ang mga boys ay namimilog ang tingin, nag-uunahang lumapit sa akin at inilalahad ang kamay sa harap ng pinto, habang sa gilid ay si Trison ay nakipag-usap pa sa lalakeng katabi at nagtawanan sila.

“Peterson!” The boy extended his hand shyly.

I smiled and took it. Ang nakangiting si Trison ay dinala ang tingin sa pagtanggap ko sa kamay.

“Ayeselle…” sabi ko.

Peterson smiled beamingly. Tinapik ni Trison ang kanyang balikat at hinila na siya paalis sa aking harapan.

“Tama na ‘yan!” Halakhak niya.

“Ako naman! Roelson!” The next boy extended his hand.

I smiled and took it again. Isang sigundo lang, hinila agad ni Trison.

“Sandali lang naman, Trison!” awat noong Roelson, nag-aambang lumapit ngunit itinulak na ni Trison ang dibdib.

“Tama na ‘yan! Bata pa ‘to! Ilang taon kana! Eighteen! Menor de edad pa kami!” biro ni Trison.

“Gago ka! Eighteen kana next week!” isa sa kaklase niya.

“Bakit Trison? Baka kagaya ka rin noong kaibigan mo ha? Inaalipin na ng isang Ferrarin!” tukso sa kanya.

Humagalpak si Trison. “Seryoso ako sa pag-aaral.”

“O edi pwede ko siyang ipakilala pa sa iba, Trison?” ngiti ni Diana.

The smile on his lips was still etched. He tilted his head and looked at me again.

“Gusto mo ba?” tanong niya.

Medyo nagulat ako roon. Hindi agad ako nakasagot kaya mas nagkumpulan ang boys, nag-aambang lumapit kaso inilagay na ni Trison ang paa sa may pinto bilang harang kaya halos hindi sila nakalapit.

“Silence means yes, Trison!” isa sa lalake na pilit inaalis ang paa ni Trison.

Trison raised his brow at me. “Gusto mo?” he asked.

I licked my lower lip. Tiningnan ko ang mga boys na nakatayo pa rin, nag-aakbayan sa isa’t isa at ngiting ngiti sa akin habang nakaharang pa rin ang paa ni Trison, nakabulsa ang kamay at hinihintay ang desisyon ko.

Siniko ako ni Diana. Medyo pinandilatan ng tingin at sinisenyasang ‘oo’ base na rin sa kibot ng kanyang labi.

“O…o…” tingin ko kay Diana.

“Oo daw! Oo! Alis na!” ang boys na itinulak ang paa ni Trison.

Trison smiled and took his leg slowly. Tumikhim ako nang lumapit ulit ang boys, muling nakipagshake-hands at nakikipagkilala.

Nakangisi si Trison buong oras na iyon. Kung hindi lang ako hinila ni Diana paalis, hindi na ata matatapos ang kumpulan ng mga junior lalo na’t nakikisali na rin ang taga ibang classroom.

“Bakit gano’n?! Hindi man lang nagselos!” Diana groaned as she looked so frustrated.

Medyo, napansin ko nga rin. Hilaw halos ang ngiti ko.

“Don’t tell me, pati sa pagseselos namamanhid siya?” si Diana.

“Baka wala siyang feelings sa akin?” hula ko ngunit marahas ang tingin ni Diana sa akin.

“Anong wala! Binigyan ka niya ng bulaklak! Meron ‘yon! Bukas, dadaan ulit tayo sa classroom nila!” sabay hila niya sa akin pabalik sa classroom.

“Eh paano nga kung wala talaga?” pilit ko.

“Hindi, Ayeselle. Assuming tayo dito. Lahat may meaning. Tiningnan ka niya kanina ‘di ba. May pagtingin ‘yon!”

Kapwa kami natawa ni Diana at naging katuwaan pa iyon.

“Humihinga si Trison para sa’yo!” she added more that made me laugh hysterically.

“Assuming tayo dito! Walang magsasabing wala siyang gusto sa’yo! Ipipilit natin ‘yan!” she grinned.

When tomorrow came, I used the makeup Abrielle had given me. Kaonti lang ang nilagay ko. Lip gloss ‘tsaka blush on. I also styled my hair into a half ponytail.

It’s inspiring. I never paid attention to myself. Or maybe because I know my features will always make me look good effortlessly. Ngayon ko lang mas gustong pagtuunan ng pansin.

“Daan ulit tayo mamaya. Pero this time, kunwari ako naman ang may hinahanap!” si Diana kinabukasan.

“Sino naman?” I asked while we were planning our next move.

“Hmm… basta! Ako nang bahala!”

Kaya noong break time nga, hinila na ulit ako ni Diana patungo roon.

And just like the junior’s usual set-up, the boys were flocking to the door, laughing and talking about something. Isa ulit doon si Trison, nakasandal ulit sa pinto, at mukhang nadadala sa topic nila na humagalpak siya.

But as we neared, as the boys’ heads turned to us and giddily looked at me, when I met Trison’s eyes, his smile slowly vanished. Pinasadahan niya ng haplos ang buhok at medyo inayos ang suot na uniporme, nangingiting kinagat ang labi sabay baling sa mga kaklase niya.

“Nandiyan ba si Trixie?” si Diana na itinagilid ang ulo at sinilip pa ang loob.

“Naku lumabas!” nangingiting sabi ng isang lalake ngunit pasulyap sulyap sa akin.

“Ang ganda mo, Ayeselle,” isa sa mga boys ang pumuri.

“Magkano ba ang check-in sa hotel niyo, Ayeselle?”

“Hindi ba at may malawak na rancho sa mansyon niyo?”

“Maraming mayayamang manliligaw ‘yung kapatid mo. Dami din siguro ng sa’yo ‘no,” sunod sunod na sabi ng boys at gustong makipag-usap sa akin.

“Wala naman,” ngiti ko at napasulyap kay Trison, pinipisil ang pang-ibabang labi at nakangusong nakatingin sa akin.

“Talaga?! Edi… kung liligawan kita may pag-asa ako?”

“Gago, Lester. Noong huling nakita nga na sports car dito sa probinsya patungo sa Ferrarin Residence. Manliligaw ‘yon! Tapos ikaw, ano, nakatricycle na pupunta sa kanila? Mahiya ka naman!” halakhak ng boys.

Trison was smiling along with them, but this time it’s not as lively as I’m used to. Tahimik siyang nakikinig at unti nang naging tipid ang ngiti.

“Kayo ha! Ang lalandi niyo talagang mga boys! Tapos may mga pinopormahan pala kayong iba!” pinagtuturo sila ni Diana.

“Uy matino ako!” isa sa kanila na itinaas agad ang mga kamay.

“Loyal ‘to!” sapak pa ng lalake sa dibdib niya na akala moy brusko.

Trison bowed his head a bit and looked at his shoes.

“Nananahimik si Trison o! Naku… pumunta pa naman dito kahapon si Chesca, ‘yung chix na half sa kabilang section at hinahanap ka!” kutya ng boys.

Mabilis na umangat ng kanyang ulo at natatawang tiningnan ang mga boys na pabiro niya pang inambahang sipain ngunit nagsiatras.

Diana looked at me surreptitiously. Chesca? Franchesca Adams?

“Halata naman ‘yon, Trison! Tipo ka no’n! Madalas ‘yung dumaan dito eh!” dagdag nila.

Umiling agad si Trison.

“Kayo talaga boys!” irap ni Diana.

“Hindi kami kasali! Si Trison lang!” agap nila.

Sumulyap ako kay Trison. Nagkatinginan kami. Hilaw na ang ngiti niya sabay haplos ng kanyang batok.

“Ginagawan niyo ako ng kwento. Nag-aaral ako ng mabuti,” ani Trison nang tingnan ang kanyang mga kaklase.

“Totoo ba ‘yon, Trison? Nireject mo ba ako dahil doon?! Hmp!” Diana said dramatically and pulled me out.

“Gago? Seryoso ba ‘yon? Nireject mo si Diana?”

“Kaya naman pala pabalik balik dito, Trison! Dude, sagutin mo! Tapos ilakad mo kami kay Ayeselle!”

Kapwa kami tahimik ni Diana at nagtungo sa field. Nagpapractice ang soccer team doon para ata sa open play nila, pero kapwa kami umupo ni Diana sa bench, tahimik.

“Chesca Adams. Ang gaganda ng mga karibal mo!” she hissed.

Nanliliit na nga ako noon kay Diana… tapos kay Sofie Adams pa? Magmumukha akong bata pag tinabi ako roon! Suki ‘yon sa pageant at pambato lagi ng school kasi beauty and brain!

“Ang talino no’n,” sabi ko.

She leered at me. “Magpapatalo ka ba?” Sabay tayo niya. “Halika! Sa library tayo! Aralin natin ‘yung algebra!”

Natawa pa ako sa biro ni Diana, ngunit noong kinaladkad niya ako, napagtanto kong seryoso nga siya.

“Kaya siguro hindi siya nagselos ‘no?” bulong ko kay Diana nang pumasok kami sa library.

“Chesca Adams ‘yon, Ayeselle! Ipagdasal natin na ma-basted siya,” she whispered back.

Naghanap kami ng mababasang libro at doon na nagpalipas ng oras. Well, I will admit that I am trying hard to earn good grades, which I did this quarter. At sa finals, alam ko na mas magsusumikap pa ako. But this isn’t about Trison anymore. This is just about myself because I want to become academically good. It’s a validation I wanted to give myself that I know I can excel in my classes too.

“Ayan na nga,” bulong ni Diana at siniko ako.

Ang kakapasok lang kasama ang grupo ng ilang babae ay naroon si Chesca. She’s greeted by the lower year silently. She smiled and nodded as she walked gracefully. She has an hourglass body. Naka high ponytail ang itim na buhok at sobrang hinhin niya. Her lips was glossy. She has an almond eyes and thick brows.

Ibang iba siya. Sa lahat. She’s like a goddess. Bawat galaw ay nakakadagdag sa kanyang ganda.

“Close ‘yan ng pinsan mo, ‘di ba? Ni Arkaine?” bulong ni Diana.

Wala sa sarili akong tumango at nahuli pa ni Diana na tiningnan ko siya. She smiled at me. I smiled back to acknowledge her.

Hindi ko alam kung ma-iinsecure ako o pupurihin na ang swerte ni Trison kasi ganyang babae ang nagkakagusto sa kanya? Ewan ko ba… nakakamangha na nakakasakit sa loob.

Kaya imposibleng… hindi siya magustuhan ni Trison. Mabait. Hindi maarte. Mahinhin. Maganda. Matangkad. Maputi. Matalino. At close pa kay Arkaine.

“Wala naman siyang boyfriend. Bakit?” takang tanong ni Arkaine nang magtanong ako kinagabihan.

“Wala naman. Ang ganda niya kasi. Nakita ko siya sa library.”

“May gusto ‘yon. Junior High,” she pointed out.

Lumunok ako at hindi agad nakapagsalita, sinipsip nalang ang aking juice habang pinapanood si Arkaine na naghahanda nang lumangoy.

May gustong Junior High. Then it’s Trison. Obviously. Sure, marami namang guwapo sa soccer team, but Trison is expert at martial arts. Sikat siya sa school dahil kahit saang year nagtuturo ng mga ganoon. Kaya siguro akong gusto niya si Trison.

Fine. Crush ko lang din naman ah! Sinabi ko bang iboboyfriend ko si Trison?! Hindi naman! Kaya ayos lang sa akin kahit may crush siya! O magkakagirlfriend siya!

Kaso, hindi ba pwedeng… ako?

I was frustrated. Normal na atang naiirita ako lagi kay Trison. Ngayon naman sa ibang dahilan pa.

“Usap-usapan nga pala talaga na may something daw kay Chesca at Trison! Kiwento sa’kin ng crush ko kahapon! Kilala niya rin kasi si Chesca!” si Diana pagkapasok ko sa classroom at iyon agad ang pambungad.

“Ano daw sabi?” kuryoso kong tanong.

“Ay ‘yun lang ang nakalap ko. Naghalikan na kasi kami agad.” Hagikhik niya.

Nanliit ang mga mata ko sa kanya.

“Inggit ka! Kaya huwag kang pumayag na mapunta si Trison sa iba! Ako hindi ako papayag!”

Inilalapag ko pa lang ang mga gamit ko. Nakatukod na ang mga kamay niya sa aking desk, determinado akong tinitingnan.

“Bagay naman sila ah? Maganda si Chesca. Matalino. At mabait. Deserve ni Trison—”

“Ay hindi! Ayoko ng plastikan dito! Magmomove-on ka agad?! Oo na nagseselos ka pero huwag kang sumuko! Rejected na nga ako, pati ba naman ikaw?! Inilipat ko ang korona sa’yo sa wala?!” she hissed.

Nagpapasukan na ng iba naming kaklase. Bumalik siya sa silya niya at makahulugan na ang titig sa akin.

Nagseselos nga ako. Pero ayos lang naman. Ayos lang siguro. Kaya hindi ko na hinayaan si Diana na dumaan kami ulit sa classroom nila sa Biyernes na iyon.

Palabas na ako ng school, tahimik iyong iniisip. Nagpaalam na si Diana kanina pa at nagmamadaling umuwi dahil may date pa raw siya mamaya doon sa crush niyang soccer player.

Natanaw ko agad si Trison kasama ulit ang pamilyar na kanyang mga kaklase. Ngunit hindi iyon ang mas umagaw ng aking pansin kundi ang pamilyar na si Franchesca Adams, nasa gilid niya at nangingiting nakikipag-usap kay Trison habang kapwa sila may hawak na toknengneng.

If Diana were here, she would drag me there for sure. Kaya matapang akong naglakad doon, kahit alam kong hindi ko na dapat isubo ang aking sarili sa ganoong sitwasyon.

Chapter 11

Calm

“Edi sa Manila ka magcocollege, Ches?” rinig ko ang tanong ng boys sa kanya.

“Oo…” ang marahang tingin ni Chesca habang malawak din ang ngiti ni Trison sa kanya.

“Saang college ka? Para doon na rin ako,” ganadong si Trison.

I can hear their voices. The loud voice of the boys, Chesca’s soft giggles, and Trison who’s smiling while looking at his friends, as if they have some fun topic.

“Uy… si Ayeselle,” one of the boys immediately noticed me.

Ngumiti lamang ako ngunit deritso na sa matandang nagtitinda. I took my wallet out of my pocket and acted like I was distracted by the orange balls in front of me.

“Oh! Hindi ba’t girlfriend mo ito?” ang matanda sabay tingin kay Trison.

Namilog ang tingin ng mga boys. Ang pangiti-ngiting si Trison ay nagulat din. Chesca glanced at me, with a curious eyes, then looked at Trison who immediately shook his head.

“Hindi…” tanggi niya, na tila ba ayaw niya itong masaktan.

Tumikhim ako at umiling din agad. “Hindi po, nay!” ngiti ko.

I can taste bitterness in my mouth. Siniko siko na ng mga boys si Trison, pinagkakaguluhan habang natatawa siyang umiling.

“Hindi nga! Huwag kang maniwala, Ches…” masuyo niyang sabi, tila ba iyon lang ang importante sa kanya.

Chesca chuckled softly. “It’s fine, Trison.”

Namutla si Trison at hinaplos ang batok. The smile was already vanishing on my lips. Oo at hindi naman talaga kami. Pero masakit pala. Kung kailan ko inamin sa sarili ko na crush ko siya, ganitong sampal agad ang bumungad sa akin.

“Ay edi sino ang girlfriend mo? Ikaw ba?” ngiti ng matanda kay Chesca.

“Study first kami, Nay,” ngisi ni Trison.

He didn’t deny her. But he willingly denied me. Tinutukso na si Trison ng mga boys pero kay Chesca na ata, na hindi ko pinagtuunan ng pansin dahil tumatawa na rin si Chesca.

“Hindi ko naman ‘yan tipo, nay,” marahan kong tawa nang tingnan ulit ako ng matanda.

Napawi ang ngiti sa labi ni Trison. Nilingon ako ni Chesca kaya tumikhim si Trison.

Bagay naman sila. Hanggang leeg siya ni Trison. Parang sila ‘yung couple sa pinterest na western vibes?

“Heto,” nangingiting lahad ng matanda sa akin noong binili ko.

I took it and smiled. Kinuha niya ang ketchup at sa gigil, halos pisilin ko iyon ng malakas para malagyan ko ng sauce.

“Hija teka—”

My eyes widened when the ketchup exploded! Tumalsik sa blusa ko, at sa mukha rin! Natatarantang tumayo si Nanay. Kahit ang mga naroon, nakatingin na rin sa akin.

Shit.

May mga iilang natawa. Ang boys ay medyo lumapit pa sa akin, nag-aambang tumulong. Chesca took her handkerchief out worriedly as well, ready to lend a hand.

Naiiyak ako sa totoo lang. Lalo na noong humarap siya at maingat akong hinawakan. Crush ko lang naman si Trison. Hindi ko naman sinabing makikipagkompetensya ako. Pero… bakit masakit? Kung tanggap ko naman, bakit nasasaktan ako?

“Suotin mo muna,” ang pamilyar na tinig ni Trison nang maramdaman ko ang paglagay niya ng kanyang polo sa aking balikat.

Doon ko napagtantong hinubad niya pala iyon. Naka puting t-shirt na lamang siya at nakatayo sa likod ko.

“Naku! Pasensya na talaga hija! Hindi ko inaasahan na hindi pala nasara ng maayos,” ang matanda.

“Punasan mo sa mukha, Ches…” masuyo niyang sabi.

Tumango si Chesca at mas lumapit sa akin. Napapasulyap siya kay Trison minsan at palihim na ngingiti, para bang may laman iyon at sila lang ang nagkakaintindihan.

Kung.. sila man… o sila na… bagay naman sila? Isa pa, nasa kanya lahat ng gusto ni Trison sa babae. Hindi siya maarte.

“Ayos na ‘to. S-Salamat,” ngiti ko at inalis ang polo ni Trison sa aking balikat, umiiling sa tulong nila.

“Suotin mo muna. May stain ang uniform mo,” si Chesca na tinanggap ang uniporme ni Trison at gustong ibalik sa akin.

Ngunit umiling ako. “Ayos l-lang!” Atras ko at nagmamadali nang umalis doon.

Mabuti nalang, saktong dumating ang sundo ko. I immediately went into the van. Hindi ko alam kung anong uunahin ko, iiyak ba sa sakit, o sisigaw sa kahihiyan.

“Nakakahiya!” I screamed as I buried my face on my pillow as soon as I remembered it again later that night.

Para akong uod sa aking kama. Naghahalo ang emosyon ko. Naiinis. Nagagalit. At hiyang hiya.

Magmomove-on kana! Bukas na bukas! Hindi mo na siya crush! Mortal enemy mo na siya forever!

I screamed again as I buried my face on my pillow. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang lumalamang. Ang galit ko ba o kahihiyan. May boxing nang nagaganap sa isip ko at knock-out pa ang galit ko. Mas nangingibabaw ang kahihiyan.

“You did… what?!” humagalpak si Diana kinabukasan nang bumungad ako sa kanilang bahay.

“At paano mo natunton ang bahay ko?! OMG! Are you my stalker!”

Kakagising niya lang, buhaghag pa ang buhok at naka pajamas nang tumuloy ako sa bahay nila.

Madali lang naman kunin ang address niya lalo na’t isinuyo ko iyon kay Lola kagabi sa Principal. Sinabi ko naman na friends kami lalo na’t may pinakita naman akong picture kay Lola noong nasa pool kami sa Hotel.

Ngumiti ang Mommy niya sa akin na nagpresintang ilapag ang tray sa lamesa. She smiled at me. Nahihiya akong ngumiti pabalik.

“Huwag mong sinisigawan ang bisita, Diana,” hampas ng kanyang Mommy sa kanyang braso.

“Mom, nakakahiya siya! She embarrassed herself in front of her crush!” hagalpak ni Diana nang ituro ako.

Her Mom’s eyes widened. Medyo natawa rin at hinampas ulit siya sa braso.

“Asikasuhin mo ‘yan. Malilate na ako sa work. At huwag kang mag-iimbita ng lalake mo rito nang wala ako,” banta niya.

Hindi ko naiwasang mapangiti habang pinapanood ang Mommy niya. She glanced at me again and smiled apologetically.

“Sabihin mo lang kay Diana kung may kailangan ka pa ha…”

I nodded. “Yes po. Thank you.”

When her mother excused herself, tumawa ulit si Diana.

“Ayeselle, oo sabi ko assuming tayo, pero hindi ko sinabing kasali roon ang pamamahiya mo sa sarili mo,” she laughed again.

“At itinanggi niya rin ako. Tapos si Chesca. Hindi. Sabi niya, study first daw muna silang dalawa. See?! Itinanggi niya ako! Siya hindi! Ibig sabihin, hindi niya ako gusto! At ‘yung bulaklak, binigay niya lang naman sa akin ‘yon kasi may kasunduan kami! Wala ‘yung meaning!” sunod sunod na kwento ko.

Nahampas niya ang kanyang noo.

“Malay mo itinanggi ka niya kasi… secret lang na crush ka niya? At ayaw niya ng issue?” she tried to lessen the heartache but it’s worsening.

“Hindi niya ako gusto, Diana!” giit ko.

“Gusto ka niya! Manhid lang siya! Hindi niya pa alam!” pamimilit niya.

Umiling ako.

“Magmomove-on na ako,” agap ko.

Mabilis na namilog ang kanyang mga mata.

“Hindi ka pa nga umaamin! Magconfess ka muna tapos magmove-on ka! Gano’n dapat ‘yon! Gayahin mo ako para goals tayo.”

Humalukipkip ako sa malaki nilang sofa. Iginala ko ang tingin. Simple lang ang bahay nila pero maganda. I slowly realized I don’t really know her personally. Parang si Trison pa lang ang laman ng mga usapan namin.

Tumikhim si Diana. Humalukipkip siya sa harap ko.

“Pangit ang house namin. Noong nasa hotel niyo ako, it’s actually my birthday. Inipon ko ‘yung allowance ko no’n coz I know I deserve it,” aniya nang igala niya rin ang tingin.

Hindi naman pangit. Simple lang siya at gawa sa semento.

“Ambisyosa kasi ako. Alam mo ‘yon. I want expensive things. Oo probinsyana tayo, but no one must label us that we’re poor looking! We aren’t! Ang gaganda kaya natin dito!”

I smiled.

“Balak kong mag-aral sa Maynila eh. S’yempre pinag-iipunan ‘yon ni Mommy. Sabi ko naman, ‘My… matalino ako kahit malandi ang anak niyo. May scholarship naman!’” she said in her cute little acting.

I chuckled and nodded.

“Lumalandi tayo rito pero walang pabaya sa grades. Tayo lang dapat ang mahulog. Hindi na kasama ang grades,” she ranted.

Ngumuso ako. She leered at me.

“Kaya huwag mong isipin na kinaibigan kita coz you’re rich and you’re a Ferrarin. Excuse me! Wala akong pakialam kung Ferrarin ka! Pantay ang tingin ko sa ating dalawa. We’re both students! Umaasa sa parents!”

“Hindi ko naman ‘yun iniisip.”

Umirap ulit siya. “S’yempre wala kang naririnig na mga sabi sabi. Pero hindi ‘yon totoo. Kung gagamitin kita, edi dapat noon pa?”

Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t really have friends in school. Kung hindi may nasasabi sa akin, sa mga lumalapit naman ang may nasasabing iba. I can sense in her that she doesn’t want those kinds of rumors, which is why she didn’t try befriending me from the start.

Naligo si Diana habang kinain ko ang meryenda. Umalis na ang Mommy niya kaya kami nalang dalawa doon.

Pagkatapos niyang maligo, nagyaya siyang sa kuwarto daw kami. Her room was cute. Pink ang wall. Puti ang bedsheet ng kama. At may kaonting puting drawer.

“Electricfan lang ang meron ako. Huwag kang magreklamong walang aircon! Baka nakakalimutan mong nasa kwarto kita! Wala tayo sa mansyon niyo,” she glared at me while she’s turning the electricfan on.

“Hindi naman ako mareklamo. ‘Tsaka ayos lang naman,” ngiwi ko.

“Padeliver nalang tayo ng pizza. Ako na ang magbabayad. Wala kang ilalabas ni piso,” muli niyang angat ng kilay sa akin nang kinuha niya ang phone.

“Wala rin akong cash pero may cards naman akong dala—”

“Oh my gosh! Oo na! Ako na ang pulubi!” she fanned herself dramatically kaya natawa ako.

We ordered pizza and decided to watch a movie. Medyo naibsan tuloy ang kahihiyan ko kay Trison. Ngunit noong matapos manood, naalala ko na naman lalo na’t may naiisip ako.

“So… magcoconfess ako tapos magmomove-on,” sabi ko sa pinal na tinig.

“Oo. Alam mo, tricks ‘yon minsan eh… Like kunwari, sinabi mo sa boy, gusto kita… tapos mag-eexpect siya na gusto mo talaga siya, pero bukas poof, move-on kana! Nasa kabilang lalake kana! So imagine his reaction! Mananatili ka sa isip niya. Hindi kana niya makakalimutan. Hanggang sa in love na siya sa’yo!” she said dreamily while smirking.

“Huh? Kaya ba nakipaghalikan ka agad after mo magconfess kay Trison?”

“Oo! Kaso dedma si Trison. ‘Tsaka na in love agad ako doon sa boy eh. Kaya ayos lang kung di gumana sa akin.”

“Tapos sa akin gagana? Paano kung dedma lang din?”

“Hindi eh. Feeling ko talaga gusto ka ni Trison. I don’t know what’s holding him back. Pero feeling ko gusto ka niya.”

Noong sinabi niyang assuming kami dapat, hindi ko halos naisip na ganito pala dapat ka lala.

Niyakap ko ang malaki niyang teddy bear at ibinaon ang aking labi roon.

“Alam mo, fake news ka. Kabi-kabila ang naririnig ko sa mga Ferrarin na playgirl daw at magagaling sa lalake. Napano ka?” medyo natawa siya.

“Maraming manliligaw ang kapatid ko. Arkaine is famous in boys. Ashtraia is the notorious playgirl among us. So yes… sabit lang ako,” I sighed.

“Marami kayang nagkakagusto sa’yo!”

“Hindi ako interesado,” bikit balikat ko.

“Eh bakit kay Trison?” umangat ang kilay niya.

Truth is… hindi ko rin alam.

“What if hindi ko naman pala siya crush?” I looked at her with confusion.

“Then confess. Tapos pag nireject ka, pag hindi masakit, edi hindi bigdeal sa’yo.”

What?

Pero… pwede nga ‘yon? Baka nadala lang ako sa mga away namin? At nasanay lang ako sa interactions? At… pinagtanggol niya ako?

“Birthday niya next week,” sabi ko nang maalala iyon.

“Hmm… anong balak mo?”

“Bibili ng cake? Tapos… ihahatid ko sa kanila? At babatiin ko siya? Tapos magcoconfess?”

Her eyes widened. “Hindi mo pa crush sa lagay na ‘yan! Bilhan mo na rin ng regalo!”

“Pwede rin. Samahan mo ako sa Mall bukas. Sunday naman eh.”

Humagalpak si Diana. “OMG! Ayoko’ng mag boyfriend ka muna! You are so pure! Parang pag sinabi ng boyfriend mo… ‘Babe… isubo mo ‘to…’ Isusubo mo agad!”

My face heated. “Bakit hindi ko naman isusubo kung… gusto ko rin?”

“Ay Ferrarin ka nga!”

Ilang beses kaming nagtawanan. I stayed there for how many hours? Noong sinundo na ako pauwi, sinigurado kong kunin ang number ni Diana para sa lakad namin bukas.

I should focus more on my finals instead of worrying about this uncertain feeling. Pag siguro nagconfess na ako, baka katulad ni Diana, makakamove-on din agad ako pagkatapos magconfess?

“Eh paano kung umamin din siya na gusto ka niya?” singit ni Diana habang namimili kami ng relo at napag-usapan iyon.

Iyon ang gusto kong iregalo. Gold na Timex. Gusto ko sana Rolex but he might complain that it’s too expensive?

“May Chesca Evans naman siya,” sabi ko habang abalang isuyod ang tingin sa nakahelerang mga relo.

“What if friends lang pala sila ‘no? What if mali lang tayo ng interpretation? Like they’re just close. Nothing more.”

God. Diana as a friend isn’t really a big help if you want to move on! Kahit ako, medyo napapaisip din! Pero hindi eh. Ang linaw noong nakita ko. He denied me! And he clarified to the old lady that they were going to prioritize their studies first! Priority ko rin naman ang study ko ah? Bakit hindi ganoon ang nirason niya?

Of course, because he doesn’t want Chesca to get turned off by him, he got a girlfriend! Itatanggi niya talaga!

“Bilhan ko rin kaya siya ng shoes? Like Nike?” I suggested when we passed into the Nike brand.

Dumayo pa talaga kami sa malaking mall para makabili ako ng ganito. At ipinagpaalam ko rin ng maayos si Diana na may kasama naman akong isang bodyguard. Lola would always provide one everytime we’re going to far places.

“Naaamoy talaga kita bilang girlfriend. Ang hilig mong bumili.”

“Bakit… pangit ba ‘yon?” I asked curiously.

“Hindi naman. It’s normal. Pero for me ha, ayokong gumastos sa lalake.” Halos maarte siyang umirap.

“Edi… anong ibibigay mo sa boyfriend mo?”

“Sarili ko!” she pointed herself while leering at me. “Kung hindi siya kontento doon, edi break!”

I suddenly remembered how she confronted me that she will confess to Trison. Medyo natarayan pa ako noon sa kanya. Pero ngayong nagiging kaibigan ko siya, napagtanto kong ganoon pala talaga siya.

“Birthday sex?” I whispered.

Humagikhik siya at tumango. Naghagikhikan kaming dalawa habang pumapasok sa Nike shoes at nagbubulung-bulungan.

“Pero wag muna ‘yon. Minor pa tayo.”

Habang gumagala ang tingin, doon ko napagtantong hindi ko alam kung anong size ng paa ni Trison.

“Size ten to eleven! S’yempre crush ko ‘yan noon. Mula ula hanggang paa kinalkula ko na ‘yon.”

Humalakhak ako habang umiismid siya.

“Alam mo. Iniisip ko parang ikaw ang makikinabang sa mga paghihirap ko noon sa kanya.”

I only grinned at her. After choosing a shoes for Trison, nilibre ko rin naman siya ng pagkain habang pinag-uusapan namin ang magiging plano.

“So… sasamahan kita sa kanila. Magtatago lang ako sa poste, o sa loob ng kotse. Basta… galingan mo ha!” she pointed at me using the fork she’s holding with a chunked potato pierced in it.

Tumango ako, determinado. Hindi naman ako mahiyain. Kahit wala akong karanasan magconfess, hindi naman ako kinakabahan.

“Paano ka ba niya ni-reject?” tanong ko.

“Hmm… he scratched his nose, and then namungay ang mga mata sa akin. ‘Yung ngiti, hilaw. Alam mo ba kung anong iniisip ko that time?” Kinagat niya ang patatas.

“Ano?”

“Na nahihiya siya sa akin kasi crush niya rin ako! I told you I’m delusional,” medyo natawa siya.

“Malay mo gano’n pala?”

“Hindi ‘no! He apologized! And he even thank me! Gosh! Alam mo, hot naman ang mga bad boy eh, ‘yung masusungit na parang ibabalibag ka, pero hindi ko alam nakakaturn on din pala ‘yung mababait!”

Trison is actually calm. Hindi mo masasabing masungit kasi palangiti. Pero pag tungkol sa pag-aaral, sobrang seryoso niya. Para bang hindi siya iyong palangiting nakasanayan ko. Which showed how much he wanted to succeed.

Pagkauwi, deritso agad ang takbo ko sa aking kuwarto, itinago ang mga pinamili at nagbihis para sa dinner.

Lola’s suspicious stare bore into me. Nagkatinginan pa kami ni Abrielle. She smiled at me, so I smiled back.

Noong naging close ko na ata si Diana, hindi na kami masyadong nagb-bond? Pero… Ayos lang naman siguro? She’s busy with other things too.

Chapter 12

Message

When Monday came, nasa library na kami madalas ni Diana to study about our finals.

“May tutor ako tuwing summer eh. Kaso ewan ko ba, ang bagal kong matuto. Mabilis kasi akong ma-distract.”

“Talaga? May tutor pa kayo? Grabe… ganyan ba ma bored ang mayayaman?”

“Lola’s idea.” I shrugged.

“Nakita ko one time si Donya. Alam mo, I admired her. Alam mo ‘yung dark feminine vibe? Gano’n si Donya! Strict. But I really admire her…”

Napangiti ako na ganoon ang tingin ni Diana sa aking Lola. Lalo na’t dito sa probinsya, maraming may galit sa kanya. Pero marami rin namang nirerespeto siya at humahanga.

We spent our breaks at the library. Matalino si Diana at ramdam kong hindi siya pabaya sa grades niya. May mga itinuro rin siyang technique sa akin para makabisado ko nang mas madali ang lesson.

“It’s the Feynman Technique I learned,” she continued explaining. “So if may tutor ka ulit, sabihin mo sa kanya na hayaan ka niyang i-explain mo ‘yon sa kanya. Say… parang reverse. Ganoon kasi ang ginagawa ko. Kunwari tinuturo ko sa iba, pero ang totoo, ginagawa ko ‘yon para makabisado ko.”

Nagulat ako. Kaya pala halos lumalapit ang mga kaklase ko sa kanya at ganado niyang itinuturo. It’s the reason why I admire her for being smart because she speaks like she really knows what she’s teaching in her own words.

I didn’t even notice how fast the days I spent with Diana in the library went by until Saturday came and it was Trison’s birthday.

“‘Yan ‘yung bahay nila. ‘Yung katabi sa kinakalawang na gate…” turo ni Diana nang pumunta kami sa isang village.

“‘Yang may maliit na pulang terrace?”

“Oo ‘yan…”

Tumango ako at nag-ambang lumabas ngunit hinila ako ni Diana. Taka akong humarap sa kanya. Inayos niya agad ang buhok ko na naka half ponytail, at kahit ang aking puff sleeves ng aking dress.

“Dito lang ako. Papanoorin kita.”

I nodded confidently. She smirked and looked at the driver who’s waiting for me outside.

Lumabas ako at huminga. Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko pero determinado akong bumati at… magconfess.

Medyo maingay ang loob nang maglakad ako sa bahay nila. May mga labas masok na mukhang kapitbahay o kamag-anak siguro.

“Hindi ba’t… apo ‘yan ni Donya?”

“‘Yung pinaka bunso. Oo. Apo niya ata ‘yan.”

“Kaibigan ni Trison?”

“Baka naman kasintahan?”

“Si Trison po?” I shamelessly asked.

Nangingiting naglakad ang lalake sa akin, medyo nasa forties na ata.

“Bisita ka ba niya? Halika… pasok…” ngiti niya habang binubuksan ang maliit na gate.

Tumango ako at ngumiti. Sinenyasan ko ang driver na sumunod sa akin lalo na’t siya ang may hawak noong cake at pinamili kong gifts na naka paper bag.

“Tawagin niyo nga si Trison!” sigaw noong lalake kaya nagmamadaling pumasok ang babae sa loob.

“Rosling! Ang anak mo, may bisitang Ferrarin!” parang inanunsyo na noong ginang sa loob.

I can hear all of their mixed voices. From men to women, and the head peeping out of the door just to confirm as their eyes widened, confirming that it was really a Ferrarin.

“Papasok po ba kayo sa loob, ma’am?” bulong sa akin ng driver, mukhang nahihiya na.

“Opo. Babati po ako sa Mama niya? Sabi rin ni Diana sa akin bumati raw ako eh…”

Kita ko ang hilaw sa tingin niya nang dahan dahan siyang tumango.

Nagkakagulo pa yata sa loob. Pansin ko rin kasi na maraming tsinelas ang nasa labas. May mga kumakain din sa terasa na mga bata at kunot noo pa ang tingin sa akin noong isa habang kumakagat sa kanyang manok.

“Ang ganda niya oh, tingnan mo! Parang barbie!” isa sa batang babae.

“Sinong Ferrarin? Si Ashtraia? Gago… di ko ‘yon inimbita ah? Galit ako doon,” rinig ko ang tinig ni Trison na mukhang papalabas na.

I didn’t understand the words because of the other voices inside mixing with him. Parang may perya sa loob. Nagtatawanan, nag-uusap, at may mga bata pa. May basag na tinig ding pumapaibabaw sa isang videoke.
Kahit hindi pa nakakapasok, pakiramdam ko crowded sa loob dahil din sa dami ng pares ng tsinelas sa labas.

“Ayan oh,” ang lalake na itinuro ako.

I smiled. Trison’s eyes widened. Para bang gulat na gulat siya. Tiningnan niya ang kasama kong driver. Sinenyasan ko siya na ibigay iyon kay Trison.

Sa kanyang likuran, nakatayo ang mga lalake at babae na sumisilip sa hamba ng pintuan. Some were still holding a bottle of coke, some were holding their paper plates while mixing the spaghetti, and the others were munching on the lumpia they were holding while looking at us curiously.

“Naku yari kay Donya itong si Trison,” ang mga lalake sa likuran na umiiling.

Nakamot ni Trison ang kanyang batok. Ilang sandali lang, may babaeng nagmamadali ring sumilip, namimilog ang mga mata.

“Girlfriend ba ng anak mo, Rosling?” tapik ng isang babaeng nasa thirties.

“Aba’y ewan ko sa batang ‘yan! Imposibleng papatulan siya niyan!”

Nagtawanan ang mga nasa likuran kaya napalingon si Trison, medyo nahiya at muling tiningnan ang aking driver na nilalahad sa kanya ang cake at paperbags.

“Tanggapin mo na!” senyas ng iilang nakikiusyoso.

Trison looked pressured. Binasa niya ang labi.

“Lapitan mo nga, Rosling! Bisita niyo ‘yan,” tulak ng isa sa matanda.

Nahihiyang lumabas ang Ginang na naka duster, nakatali ang buhok, at nakangiti sa akin.

“Ma…” lingon ni Trison.

“Trison. Papasukin mo sa loob ang bisita. Halika…” ngiti niya sa akin.

Makahulugan ang titig ni Trison sa akin, umiiling. Tumingin ulit ako sa kanyang ina at nakangiting tumango. Inimbita ako ng Mama niya kaya wala siyang magagawa.

“Sige po…”

Trison’s jaw dropped. Sinabayan ko ang ina niyang hawak na ang aking siko. Ang mga nakikiusyoso sa may pinto ay pinagsesenyasan na umalis kaya natatarantang nagsilabas ang iilan patungo sa terasa, at pumapasok naman ang iba.

I can smell the different kinds of smell, but it doesn’t matter as I smile at them. Marami pa ngang tao sa loob. May nakatayo sa iba’t ibang sulok ng lugar at kumakain sa hawak na paper plate. Mostly ata mga kapitbahay nila? I can see the simplicity of the celebration, but they all looked like they were having fun. Lalo na’t natigil pa ang kantahan pagpasok ko.

“Ang gandang bata…” I can hear their whispers.

“Itong mga apo talaga ni Donya, parang mga dyosa.”

“Halika, halika!” ang kanyang mama na iginiya ako sa mismong harap ng malaking lamesa kung saan nakalapag ang mga handa.

“Alis muna,” senyas ni Trison na nakasunod sa amin sa pamilyar na mga lalakeng kumakain doon, namimilog ang mga mata at nalaglag ang panga nang makita ako.

“Gago! Nag-imbita ka ng Ferrarin?” siko ng isa sa kaklase ni Trison.

Her mother pulled the chair for me. Napatingin ako sa malaking lechon baboy sa harap. Wasak na ang katawan at buo pa ang ulo.

“Ikuha mo ng plato doon sa aparador ko, Trison! ‘Yung naka box! ‘Yung bago at babasagin!” ang mama ni Trison na sumenyas sa anak niyang pinagkukumpulan pa ng kanyang mga kaklaseng lalake.

“Saan po ‘to ilalagay, ma’am?” tanong ng aking driver sa hawak na cake.

“Ay dito!” natatarantang kinuha ng kanyang mama ang macaroni para mailagay doon ang cake.

Inilapag ng driver ang cake. Binuksan iyon ng kanyang Mama, ngiting ngiti habang palingon lingon sa akin.

“Pasensya na… siksikan. Hindi naman kasi sinabi nitong si Trison na may iba pa siyang bisita! ‘Yung batang ‘yon…” iling niya ngunit nanatili ang ngiti sa labi.

Naisip ko tuloy si Diana? Baka mainip ‘yon sa loob ng kotse. Sabi ko pa naman ibibigay ko lang, tapos magcoconfess. Hindi noon alam na makikikain din pala ako.

“Ayos lang po…” sabi ko, nangingiting tumitingin sa kanya at nagpasyang magtipa ng mensahe kay Diana.

Ako:

Pinakain ako ng Mama niya hihi

Mabilis ang reply ni Diana.

Diana:

hoy gaga! Dapat isinama mo ako! Marami bang handa?

Tiningnan ko ang mga handa. Marami iyon. Mukhang lutong bahay lahat. Mabango.

Ako:

Oo. May spag. Lechon. Macaroni. Fruit salad. Lumpiang shanghai. At iba’t ibang klase ng ulam.

Diana:

Ay papasok ako! Sabihin mo kay Trison!!!!!

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa Mama ni Trison na nakatitig sa cake.

“May kasama po ako. Nasa labas…” sabi ko.

“Ah ganoon ba? Teka…” saka siya lumingon at saktong dumating si Trison, may dalang mga plato at baso.

“May kasama pa daw siya sa labas. Puntahan mo at papasukin dito,” utos ng kanyang Mama at tinanggap ang hawak niyang mga plato at baso.

Abala ang kanyang Mama sa paghugas noon doon sa sink saka rin nagmamadaling bumalik sa aking harapan at inilapag iyon habang ang isa ay ibinigay sa aking driver.

“Kumain ka ng marami ha… Huwag kang mag-alala, masasarap ‘yan kasi ako ang nagluto, hindi si Trison,” ngiti niya kaya natawa ako.

Ginamit ko ang ibinigay niyang kulay gold na kubyertos na naiiba sa ginagamit ng ibang bisita at nagsimulang kumuha ng mga pagkain. Ilang sandali lang, pumasok na rito si Diana na nakangisi sa akin, at sa tabi ay si Trison.

“Hello po,” bati ni Diana sa mama ni Trison.

“Hello, hija! Halika! Dito ka umupo sa tabi ng kaibigan mo,” ang mama ni Trison na pinaghila siya ng upuan sa gilid.

Ganadong tumango si Diana at naglakad sa gilid ko. Noong umupo, pasimple pa akong siniko at makahulugan ang ngiti.

“Magpa bring home tayo,” bulong niya.

“Trison! Kunin mo nga ‘yung electricfan sa kuwarto mo! Ilagay mo rito sa tapat nila,” utos ng kanyang mama.

“Ma. Nasira ‘yon…” si Trison na problemado na.

“Huh? Anong ginawa mo?! Naiinitan na ito bisita mo oh! Namamawis! Mahiya ka!”

Nagtungo si Trison sa may lamesa at kumuha ng iilang paper plate. Umupo siya sa gilid ng mesa, ang isang paa ay nakalabas, at halos madikit sa hita ko, lalo na’t halos paharap siya sa akin. Itinukod niya ang isang kamay sa kanyang hita at ang isa ay nagsimula na akong paypayan gamit ang paper plate.

Palihim ulit akong siniko ni Diana habang inaasikaso naman siya ng Mama ni Trison. Tumikhim ako at pinigilang mapangiti kahit mariin ang titig ni Trison.

Tumingin siya sa leeg ko sabay ngiwi. Hinila niya ang gilid ng aking upuan hanggang mausog ako papalapit sa kanya, at mas binilisan ang pagpaypay sa akin.

“Trison… pahiwa ng cake,” utos ni Diana na ngumingisi na.

“Ako na!” boluntaryo ng kanyang Mama.

Umangat ang kilay ni Trison at tumingin sa cake na dala ko. His jaw dropped as his eyes widened. Mabilis ang kanyang pagtayo at akmang isasara iyon nang hinampas siya ng Mama niya.

“Gagong bata ka. Bakit mo ‘yan isasara,” halos lumagapak iyon sa likod ni Trison.

“Akin lang ‘to, Ma. Ipasok mo sa ref. Mauubos ‘yan ng mga kaklase ko,” si Trison na medyo namula.

“Aba’t…” pinanliitan siya ng tingin ng kanyang ina.

“Tita pakihiwa ang cake! Kakain kami!” sigawan ng kanyang mga kaklaseng lalake na nakarinig.

“Tita huwag kang maniwala diyan!”

Diana smirked at me more while she was already spooning her food. She looked so proud. Ngumiti ako pabalik at itinaas taas ng sabay ang dalawa kong kilay.

The cake has a simple ‘I like you, Trison.’ And he probably read it. Edi… tapos na? ‘Yun na ‘yon? But I also want to talk to him. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na crush ko siya. At magmomove-on agad. Just like what Diana did.

Umupo ulit si Trison, nakanguso at medyo namumula. Pinaypayan niya akong muli habang siya ay medyo namamawis na rin.

He looked manly. Eighteen na siya ngayong araw na ‘to. But because he’s doing some martial arts, it shows on his body that he’s sporty. Bumabakat sa itim niyang t-shirt ang biceps niya. The silver necklace with a cross pendant was hanging from his neck. His khaki shorts showed the firmness of his hairy legs. And the veins on his arms were protruding while he was fanning me.

“Naks, Trison! Alagang alaga!” isa sa mga lalake ang muling pumasok, nasa mid thirties na ata at topless pa habang kita ang laki ng tiyan niyang kinakamot niya.

Lumapit siya lalo sa amin, sumandal sa balikat ni Trison.

“Girlfriend ka nito, hija?” ngiti niya.

“Hindi,” agap ni Trison at medyo ngumiti. “Mahihiya na ‘yan. Huwag niyong pagkaguluhan. Hindi ‘to artista.”

One thing I noticed about Trison is that he’s sociable. Kaya niyang bagayan ang lahat. He seems to be friends with everyone. Kahit sa bata, kaedad ng mama niya, at matatanda He’s so respectful.

“Hoy Romel! Umalis ka diyan! Tatakutin mo ang bisita! At magdamit ka nga! Nakakahiya!” tulak ng Mama ni Trison palabas sa lalakeng lumilingon pa at ngumingiti.

Diana was having fun with the food. She looked so distracted while choosing a big piece of fried chicken for herself.

Sumubo ako ng marahan nang mahuli ulit ang tingin ni Trison sa akin. His brows shot up, his lips stretching for a controlled smile as he tried to bite his lower lip, furrowed his brows, ran his hand through his hair, and looked away.

“Yieee, Trison ha… May hindi ka sinasabi sa amin,” ang mga kaklase niyang lalake na nagkukumpulan na naman sa hamba ng pinto.

“Ma! Palabasin mo nga sa bahay. Huwag mong ipagbalot,” turo ni Trison sa mga kaklase niyang nagsiiling agad sa Mama ni Trison.

“Tutulong po kami sa paghuhugas mamaya, Tita!”

“Kahit ‘yung ulo nalang po ng lechon ang ibalot niyo para sa akin, Tita!”

“Akin ‘yung mga paa tita ha! Kahit walang nailcutter ‘yung mga kuko tatanggapin ko pa rin!”

“Tumahimik nga kayo! Mahiya kayo sa Ferrarin oh!” natatawang pinaghahampas ng ina ni Trison sa balikat ang mga kaklase niyang nagtawanan. Tumawa rin si Trison at naiiling na ibinalik sa akin ang tingin.

“Magbibring home ka rin ba? Ipagtatabi kita,” si Trison na agarang tumayo, binitiwan ang hawak na paper plate.

“Ako, Trison,” pakita ni Diana sa kanyang kamay.

“O sige. Ikaw rin.” Saka siya umalis at siguro may kukuning tupperwares.

Diana smiled again at me. Naghahagikhikan kaming dalawa.

“May crush siya sa’yo,” bulong niya. “Ipagtatabi ka raw niya.”

“‘Yung ibang bisita rin naman, Diana…” bulong ko pabalik.

“Ay hindi. Basta pag sa’yo may meaning ‘yan. Maganda ‘yung sign. In love siya sa’yo.”

Well, I’m happy. Hindi ako sanay sa ganitong okasyon sa totoo lang. I’m used to fancy parties while socializing with upper-class people. But I didn’t know that this kind of celebration felt so warm and comforting. Kahit na sobrang ingay dahil nagsisimula na silang mag videoke at nababasag na ang tinig ng mga kaklase niyang lalake, ang saya panoorin. Ang mga iilang bisitang matatandang lalake na nagsisiinuman na sa terasa, ang mga batang labas masok at nagtatakbuhan.

It was fun. It reflected how his world embodied him as a person. He’s surrounded by good people. Simple, but welcoming. Especially his mother.

Dumidilim na sa labas. Nagsisiuwian na rin ang iba. Ang mga kaklase niyang lalake ay tumutulong na sa Mama niya sa pagliligpit ng naiwang kalat sa sala. Si Diana ay kumakain pa rin ng dessert habang ako ay busog na at nakaupo kami sa sala, umiinom nalang ng softdrink.

Pinapanood ko ang paglabas masok ni Trison, susulyap sa akin minsan, sisiguraduhin lang kung nasaan ako, at ipagpapatuloy ang utos ng kanyang Mama.

“Magconfess ka mamaya,” siko ni Diana sa akin.

“Oo. Pag… di na siya busy,” I said as I sipped on my coke.

“Landi mo ha,” kutya niya at ngumisi sa akin.

I’m relieved, actually. Siguro kung… marereject, edi friends! I want to be his friend as well coz he seems so fun.

“Salamat Rosling sa pabaon!” ang mga kaedaran ng mama ni Trison na nagpapaalam na rin.

“Ayos lang! Next year ulit! Papalechon na naman ako,” sabi niya habang ngiting ngiti.

I think I know where Trison got his attitude. His mother was so welcoming and funny. Asikasong asikaso ang lahat. Kahit kami ni Diana kanina.

“Oh kayo? Naipagbalot na ba kayo ni Trison? Trison!” tawag niya sa anak niya.

“Ma?!” sigaw ni Trison na nasa loob pa ng kusina.

“Opo, Tita!” agap ni Diana.

Kumalma ang kanyang ina at ngumiti. Tumingin siya sa akin.

“Pasensya na talaga… ang ingay dito kanina. Nakakahiya naman…”

“Hindi po. Ayos lang po talaga,” sabi ko.

Malaki ang ngiti niya sa akin. “‘Yang anak ko, friendly talaga ‘yan. Parang ako rin… mana kasi siya sa akin. Diba ang pogi…”

Sabay kaming tumango ni Diana. Humalakhak ang mama ni Trison.

“Pero gusto ko talaga, magtapos muna ‘yang si Trison… Gusto ko kasing rumampa sa stage tapos sasabitan ko siya ng medalya. Pangarap ko kasi ‘yon! ‘Yung candid na picture!”

“Matalino po ‘yan si Trison, Tita!” si Diana.

“Oo nga eh. Kaya sana… huwag muna mag girlfriend…” sabay tingin ng kanyang ina sa akin. “Pero kung kaya naman ng anak ko, aba’y ayos lang! Kaso baka kasi alam niyo na… makabuntis,” halakhak niya.

It was meaningful, and I felt like it was a message for me. Or I am just being delusional, like Diana kept ranting about.

Mapupunit na ata ang labi ko kakangiti. Lumabas si Trison at may dalang maliliit na tupperware. Tumingin siya sa akin at itinuro ang labas. Ngumuso ako at tumango.

“Ma… ihahatid ko lang kina Alice.”

“O sige! Papuntahin mo na rin dito!”

Siniko akong muli ni Diana. “Alice. Bagong karibal mo.”

Siniko ko siya pabalik lalo na’t bumubulong siya sa akin sa harap ng ina ni Trison.

Madaldal ang ina ni Trison at maraming kwento. Noong makabalik si Trison, saka niya kami ipinaubaya sa anak niya.

“Salamat pala dito, Trison.” Pakita ni Diana sa hawak niyang tupperware.

Tumango si Trison. Malawak agad ang ngiti ni Diana sa akin, sumesenyas ng makahulugan.

“Hintayin kita sa labas, Ma’am,” ang aking driver na ikinatango ko.

Chapter 13

Drowned

Trison cleared his throat and walked me to the back of their house, which is the garden. Pinagpagan niya ang upuan doon at sinenyasan akong maupo. May ilaw naman, pero hindi ganoon ka tingkad. But still, we both illuminated.

“Pasensya na. Daming tao kanina. Pag birthday ko kasi, marami talagang pumupunta na mga kaibigan ni Mama… nag-aambagan din ang iilan.” Hinaplos niya ang batok at nahihiya ang tingin sa akin.

“Ang dami ngang tao, pero ayos lang naman. They’re all friendly,” sabi ko nang umuupo na.

Namulsa siya at bahagyang pinisil ang pang-ibabang labi, ang isang kamay ay nasa baywang.

“Kakalat ‘yan na pumunta ka. Hindi ba magagalit si Donya sa’yo?” he asked.

I shook my head.

“Mabait si Mama,” agap niya, na tila ba may kahulugan iyon.

“Ramdam ko nga…” I smiled.

He sighed. Binasa niya ang labi, namulsa at bahagyang iniyuko ang ulo, nakatingin sa paanan. He looked occupied, probably because he read what was written on the cake.

When his head slowly rose up, his eyes looked at me in a gentle way, weighing my reaction.

“Hindi na dapat tayo nagpapansinan ah?” angat ng kanyang kilay.

“Eh, bakit pinapansin mo ako pabalik?” angat din ng aking kilay.

Ngumuso siya, napapikit at medyo natawa nang mapagtantong isa rin siya.

“Binali mo eh,” he smirked as he let his fingers graze into his hair, gripping it a bit.

“Edi, nabali ka naman?” I tilted my head, willing to corner him.

His lips were twitching for a smile as he controlled them.

“Tigilan mo ‘yan,” saway niya ngunit nangingiti.

Tumayo ako at nakangising inilapit ang aking mukha sa kanya.

“Tsss…” Nangingiti niya akong hinawakan sa balikat. “Umupo ka nga. Kumalma ka,” giit niya.

Tumawa ako at umupo ulit. Huminga siya, namaywang muli sa dalawang kamay at binasa ang labi. He looked so bothered. I guess he knows what’s happening.

“Totoo ‘yon,” sabi ko nang mapag-usapan na namin ang bagay na ‘yon.

“Kailan lang?” taka niyang tanong.

“Uh…” I pinched my lower lip while thinking deeply.

“Pag ako niloloko mo.” His voice thickened as he looked at me sharply.

Umiling agad ako. “Totoo ‘yon. Crush kita.”

His eyes widened. His jaw dropped as his Adam’s apple waved when he gulped. Huminga siya at nahilamos ang mukha.

“Gago… bakit ako?” he groaned.

My shoulder loosened. “B-Bakit hindi ikaw?”

“Tingnan mo nga ako. Baka nagkakamali ka lang eh.”

I scanned him slowly. Tiningnan niya din ang sarili niya.

“Bagay naman tayo pero… sa estado…” he sounded disappointed.

“Bagay tayo?” Ulit ko nang tingnan ko siya, namimilog ang mga mata.

“Sa estado, hindi. At ayoko ngang mag girlfriend ‘di ba?” Kumunot ang noo niya.

I looked at him slowly.

“Bakit? Sino bang gusto mong girlfriend? Si… Chesca?”

His eyes widened. “Hindi ko siya gusto.”

“Pero itinanggi mo na ayaw mo akong i girlfriend. Tapos noong si Chesca na…”

“Hindi nga. Nahihiya lang ako na kakalat ‘yung ganoong balita. Ferrarin ka pa naman. At close ‘yon sa pinsan mo. Natatakot ako baka magsumbong.”

Oh… that makes sense why her opinion matters to him.

“Tsaka… akala ko… may crush ka sa classroom namin. Ilang beses kang dumadaan eh.”

“Oo nga. Ikaw nga,” I clarified.

His eyes widened again. Mariin siyang napapikit at humalakhak.

“Ako?” turo niya sa sarili niya nang dumilat sa kumikislap na mga mata.

“Oo. Ikaw.” I smiled confidently.

Namaywang siya, naiiling ngunit ngumingiti.

“Sigurado ka ba diyan?”

“Oo. At… magmomove-on na ako bukas.”

Napawi ang ngiti niya. “Ano?”

“Kasi… may crush kang iba? At bagay naman kayo ni Chesca.”

“Ano ‘to. Nagconfess ka tapos parang ako ang na-reject?” Halos matawa siya.

Humalukipkip ako at sumandal sa upuan. He sighed aggressively. Nailagay niya sa bawat likod ng kanyang ulo ang mga palad, tiningala ang langit. Damn… I never thought of him so romantically, not until this day.

He looked like he was thinking. Noong tumingin ulit sa akin, seryoso na.

“Hindi mo ako binibiro?”

Umiling ako. “Am I rejected?”

“Ano ba ‘yang sinasabi mo?” he chuckled boyishly.

“I mean, you rejected Diana.”

“Oo. Kasi ayoko nga ng girlfriend,” agap niya. “Grade Twelve na ako sa susunod. Baka ma-distract ako sa girlfriend ko.”

I understand where his determination is coming from. When I heard his mother’s dream, she looked so inspired to see Trison on the stage.

“Edi… rejected nga ako.”

“Teka nga. Hindi pa tayo tapos,” he hissed.

Ngumuso ako. He sighed again and dragged the other chair as he put it in front of me. Pabaliktad ang pagkakaupo niya sa monoblock chair. He hugged its back as he let his chin rest on it. My legs were already locked between his parting legs.

Now that our faces are level and it’s inches away from me, the small distance almost makes me swallow. I can see clearly the color of his eyes, the boyish stance that screams in him, the jet black hair that matches the darkness of the sky, and the stares he’s giving me that penetrate my soul.

He’s immaculately handsome, and it’s worsening the rapid pounding of my heart.

“Ano bang gusto mong mangyari?” he asked in a raspy voice.

Kumurap kurap ako. Wait. Hindi namin ito napag-usapan ni Diana! I just want to move on after this coz I thought he’s into Chesca!

“Tingnan mo na. Hindi mo alam,” he leered at me.

“Bakit? Nagconfess lang naman ako! At… makakamove on na ako bukas?”

He arched his brow. “Binibiro mo lang yata ako eh. Halika na nga. Umuwi kana.” Nag-amba siyang tumayo.

“Totoo nga!” Hawak ko sa braso niya, kaya hindi siya natuloy.

He looked at my hand first, on his bicep. Umupo siya ulit kaya binitiwan ko siya. Ibinalik ang baba niya sa ibabaw ng mga kamay niyang nakayakap sa likod ng upuan. He’s crouching, and if I lean closer…

“Hindi pa ako pwedeng mag girlfriend…” bulong niya.

“‘Yan din ang sabi mo sa inyo ni Chesca eh. Pati kay Diana. Edi… rejected nga ako.”

Tumawa siya at halos idiin ang labi sa kamay niya, hinahalikan na iyon.

“Iba ‘yon sa kanila. Iba ‘to sa atin,” he murmured.

What…

Kumurap ako. “Paanong iba?”

“May mga gusto ako na mangyari,” he said meaningfully.

“Like?” I leaned closer so I could hear him more, but the truth is, I just wanted to close the gap.

“Kung nakapagtapos ako ng Grade Twelve at gusto mo pa rin ako… at kung malalim na ang nararamdaman ko sa’yo…” he stopped as he looked at me carefully.

“Uhm, tayo na?” I interjected.

He barked with a low chuckle.

“Basta mag-aral muna tayo,” namamaos ang tinig niya.

“Nag-aaral naman tayo.”

“I mean, huwag mo muna akong i-distract.”

My heart pounded. It was those words… those meaningful words…

“M-Merong relationship na… ano… ‘yung… pwedeng… isabay?”

Kita ko ang pag-iisip niya. Tiningnan niya ako ngunit agaran ding umiling.

“Hindi eh. Parang di ko kaya.”

“Why?” I frowned.

“Ang ganda ganda mo. Mababaliw lang ako kakaisip sa’yo pag girlfriend kita.” There was a playfulness in his tone while his lips were stretching for a smile.

“And what’s wrong with that? I am your girlfriend, and it’s okay.” I frowned more.

“And it’s okay,” he mimicked my words dramatically, his head moving and his voice sharpening as he taunted me. “Hindi nga okay,” now he sounded so rough and thick.

“Bakit nga?” pilit ko.

He buried his face again in his forearm. I can see his thick brows furrowing. His chest was heaving, as if he were having a hard time.

“Basta…”

Napatingin ako sa mga tainga niyang namumula at sa kanyang buhok. I curiously brought my hand into his hair and touched it. His hand captured my pulse, but he didn’t pull it away. He lets me play with his soft hair.

“I want to know…” masuyo kong sabi.

“Hirap nga akong bumili minsan ng tokneneng tapos mamomroblema pa ba ako sa pangload ko para makausap lang kita?” There’s a bitterness in his tone as his fingers slowly crawl into my palm, completely slipping it into the corners of my fingers.

“Then I’ll come here!” agap ko.

“Baka pagbintangan pa ako ni Mama na ginayuma kita. T-Tsinilasin ako no’n.” He laughed a little, still burying his face against his forearm.

“Pag may trabaho na ako. Wala akong pang date. Ayokong ihingi ‘yon kay Mama…” he said quietly and rested our hands on his leg.

“Edi… saan galing ‘yung… bulaklak?”

“Pinagtrabahuan ko ‘yon sa shop na tinatrabahuan ni Drystan. Ayaw ni Mama kasi gusto niya, pokus ako sa pag-aaral. Sabi ko nga, kaya ko namang ipagsabay pero ayaw niya. Nanglalabada ‘yon at nagtitinda ng kung ano para lang may pangbigay ng baon sakin.”

Natahimik ako. Umahon ang ulo niya at bahagyang sinilip ang ekspresyon ko.

“Ayos lang ‘yon. Gano’n talaga ang buhay namin. Kaya nga magtatapos ako. Maiiahon ko rin si Mama. Matutulungan ko rin siya,” he smirked confidently.

Ngumuso ako. I slowly smiled and nodded.

“Kaya huwag ka munang sumali. Di ko pa kaya ang dalawang babae ngayon sa buhay ko,” he chuckled again while his thumb was caressing the back of my hand.

I don’t know why it’s melting my heart. It was very different from mine. It was my mother’s dream for me as well. She wanted me to excel in academics. His mom seems so supportive, while my mom would disregard my other plans and just stick to her own dream for me. Not my dream for myself.

Unlike Trison. It was his dream to be with his mother. Silang dalawa. And he looked so hopeful. I can see it in his twinkling eyes.

“Edi, uh, gusto mo ako?” I clarified shamelessly.

He tilted his head, scanning my face clearly. The uncontrollable smile was twitching on his lips as he tried to bite it and shrugged.

“Matalino ang tipo ko.”

My eyes widened. Kinuha ko ang aking kamay sa kanyang kamay at inihampas iyon sa kanyang braso na ikinaigtad niya, nakangisi. I stood and was about to march away when he pulled on my waist while chuckling behind me as he buried his face against the small of my back.

My stomach churned with the movements as I looked at his veiny arm wrapped around my waist.

“Napano ‘yang kamay mo?” I asked when I noticed the scratch on his knuckles.

“Sinuntok ko ‘yung electricfan noong nakaraang araw dahil nairita ako sa iniisip ko…”

I curiously faced him again. Namumungay ang mga mata niya noong tiningala ako. His messy hair looked so good on him with those sleepy eyes he’s giving me.

“Ang ganda mo lagi. Daming nagkakagusto.”

Para atang nasunog ang mukha ko sa sobrang pula. He looked unbothered at those times, but… he’s really bothered by it?

“Eh, hindi ka nga nagselos!”

“Ba’t naman ako magseselos? Hindi naman kita girlfriend? Malaya ka namang manglalake diyan?”

“Edi malaya ka rin!”

He lifted an eyebrow as he rested the side of his head against his knuckles.

“Ano bang nagustuhan mo sa akin? Di ko talaga maintindihan,” para bang litong-lito siya.

“It just happened, okay! At kung ayaw mo pa akong i-girlfriend, ayos lang. As long as you will pursue your dream…”

Tumango siya. “Ikaw rin. Pag nalaman kong may lalake ka…”

My eyes twinkled. I grinned and crouched a bit.

“Magseselos ka?”

“Matuturn-off ako. At bahala na kayong dalawa sa buhay niyo,” medyo desidido at matigas ang tinig niya.

I slightly calmed down. Fine. I won’t push it anymore.

“How about you? You’re friendly with girls. And then there’s also Chesca Evans.”

“Kung lumandi ako, ma-turn off ka rin. At huwag mo na akong gustuhin. Magmove-on ka,” he simply said.

Wala talagang pakialam ‘to! I was about to snarl at him when he arched his brow.

“Sinabi ko pag lumandi ako,” he clarified.

My expression calmed down a bit. He pulled my chair and faced it in the opposite direction. Umupo ako roon. Ang aking braso ay dikit na sa likod ng kanyang upuan. Ang kanyang mukha ay malapit lamang sa aking tainga. He’s now facing my side as his hand rests on the backrest of my chair, his head tilting a bit to see my expression clearly.

“Fine,” I sighed. “But you said you’re ready to have a girlfriend once you’re in college.” I glared at him again.

“Kaya mo ba?” He challenged.

“Ang mag girlfriend ka sa iba?” I insinuated.

“Tayo… kung… kaya mo ba…”

My stomach churned because I knew I wanted him as my boyfriend.

“Oo… G-Gusto ko. Sa college…”

He smiled and rested the side of his head against his forearm, his face completely facing me. If I crouch a bit, it’s going to be perfect access to his lips.

“Kulit mo…” he whispered hoarsely.

“Pero kung ayaw mo, ayos lang,” tikhim ko.

“Ito nga ‘yung mahirap dito… kasi gusto ko rin,” namamaos niyang bulong.

“Kaya mas lalong ayoko dahil… ganito mo ako ka daling baliin,” he confessed more.

It was like a firework of emotions exploding in my mind. My head was spinning. My chest pounded so hard that I couldn’t talk.

“Mag-away na nga lang tayo. Mas ayos pa ‘yon eh…” ramdam ko ang hirap sa tinig niya sabay iling.

“Ayos lang din! Magmomove-on naman na ako bukas. At… maghahanap na ako ng bagong crush. Maghoholding hands kami at rarampa ako lagi sa classroom niyo. Magkikiss kami sa gym habang nagtuturo ka ng taekwondo—”

“Ayos lang sa akin. Bahala ka. Magboyfriend ka ng marami. Hindi mo ako matatakot,” putol niya.

“Kasi may Chesca Adams ka naman?”

Napawi ang ngiti niya. “Tingnan mo. Ikaw itong manlalalake. Tapos ako ang pagbibintangan mo. Hindi muna tayo magrerelasyon. Ang immature pa nating dalawa.”

When I said I wanted to confess, I just really wanted him to know that I liked him. Kahit i-reject niya ako, ayos lang din naman.

Maybe it’s fine because I am not rushing to have a boyfriend. It never invaded my mind. It’s the reason why I’m less interested in the opposite people around me.

Marami din akong mas pinoproblema kaysa ang pagkakaroon ng boyfriend. I may have thought about unholy things because my cousins would sometimes talk about them, but I never thought of them from a deeper perspective.

That’s why Trison’s condition doesn’t really bother me. I’m fine with the setup. And I’m happy that he’s my crush. I’m happy that I got the chance to say this to him. To know him more. And to spend time with him.

Noong naririnig na namin ang Mama niya, hinahanap siya, tumayo na kami.

“Dinala na siguro sa dilim ni Trison, Tita!” said one of his classmates.

“Baka magkakaapo kana Tita!” We heard them laughing.

“Biniro pa naman ako noon na magcocondom daw siya nang hindi maagang makabuntis. Gagong bata ‘yon. Teka nga…”

Nasa hamba na kami ng pinto nang nag-aambang lumabas ang mama niya.

“Uuwi na raw siya, Mama. Ihahatid ko na sa labas,” said Trison.

“Ah ganoon ba, hija?” agarang hinahon niya at ngumiti. “O sige, Trison. Ihatid mo na…”

Natanaw ko ang mga kaklase niyang lalake sa loob na kumakaway sa akin. I smiled at them and waved back. Trison caressed my elbow.

“Tara na…”

“Paalam po, Tita… ang sarap po ng luto niyo…” sabi ko.

“Ay salamat! Balik ka ulit ha! Ipagluluto kita rito!”

“Sige po!” I said enthusiastically.

She hugged me warmly. I hugged her back as I smiled. Hinatid din naman ako ni Trison sa van kung saan naghihintay ang driver, si Diana na nasa loob.

“Uh, happy birthday pala,” bati ko.

He nodded and smiled. “Salamat…”

He opened the door to the back seat. Makahulugan ang titig ni Trison sa akin.

“Ano bang… gusto mong palaman sa sandwich?” he asked out of nowhere.

I immediately caught his gaze.

“Uh, ham and cheese?”

“Drinks?”

“Fresh orange juice?”

He slightly nodded and opened the door more. I glanced and saw Diana’s grinning face, like a ghost inside the dim car watching her victims to scare.

I pouted and glanced at Trison again. I tiptoed to kiss his cheek. Ramdam ko kung paano siya natigilan, at halos mamula. Tumikhim ako saka pumasok, hindi na lumingon nang isinara iyon.

Ang malakas na tili ni Diana ang agarang pumaibabaw. The driver had already started the engine as I screamed with Diana.

“You kissed him!” he looked so proud and shock.

“I kissed him!” halos hawak kamay kaming dalawa at nagtilian.

“Good news ba ‘to?! Kayo na ba?”

“Hindi pa!”

“Hindi?! Pero hinalikan mo!”

“Oo, kasi malandi ako!”

Humalakhak si Diana at mas para kaming baliw sa likuran. Kinwento ko lahat lahat sa kanya. At kahit huminto na ang van sa bahay nila, noong bumaba ako, patuloy pa ring nagkwento, nagtatalunan kaming dalawa habang magkahawak kamay.

“Akala ko talaga mga assuming na tayo! Buti at totoo pala! Gusto ka niya! Rinig na rinig ko pa ang tanong niya! Palaman ng sandwich mo! Ang bastos pa naman ng isip ko kanina!”

I laughed hysterically with her, trying to keep my sanity as I slowly drowned in my sea of feelings for Trison and let them completely consume me.

Chapter 14

Priority

Maaga ako sa school. The gate just opened, and I’m already there. Ako na rin halos ang nagbubukas ng classroom dahil ako naman din lagi ang nauuna.

There’s just always something in the classroom when it’s empty early in the morning, and you’d sit there alone.

Ngunit sa araw na ‘yon, hindi pala ako ang nauna. Lalo na’t pag-akyat ko at kakaliko pa lang, natanaw ko agad sa tapat ng classroom namin si Trison na nakahilig sa railings habang malayo ang tingin.

His hair was still damp, which is why it looked so messy while he was holding a paper bag. Nakasabit sa isa niyang balikat ang itim niyang bag at ang tangkad niya tingnan dahil na rin sa kanyang tindig.

His head glanced over his shoulder until he found my eyes. Napatuwid siya ng tayo. Tumikhim ako, kumakalabog ang dibdib habang naglalakad palapit sa pinto ng classroom.

“Morning!” he greeted enthusiastically.

Ngumiti ako sa kanya habang naglalakad siya para masalubong ako.

“Morning…” I greeted back as I tried not to be so overreacting.

I just confessed last Saturday that I like him and he’s here! Ito na ba ang tinatawag nilang crush back?

Dumeritso ako sa pinto at isinilid ang susi para mabuksan na iyon. Tumayo siya sa likod ko, maagap ang tingin sa ginagawa ko hanggang sa binuksan ko ‘yon.

Trison followed me. The light of the fresh morning passed through the windows when I pulled the curtains on the sides.

Tumulong si Trison at iyon ang ginawa sa kabilang bintana. Binuksan ko rin ang mga ilaw hanggang mas lumiwanag ang loob.

He took the paper bag and walked to my seat, where I put my things.

“Oh…” Inilahad niya sa akin iyon.

I curiously took it from his hand. Isinandal ni Trison ang pwet niya sa aking desk at humalukipkip, nakatingin sa ginagawa kong paglabas ng tupperware.

“Kainin mo tuwing recess…” he suggested.

My eyes widened when I realized it was really a sandwich. Mga nasa tatlong pares iyon ng loaf bread na pinaghahati niya at mukhang ham and cheese nga ang palaman. Hindi lamang iyon, there’s also a tumbler included, which I suspected was the orange juice.

“Bakit ka naman… nag-abala?” tanong ko.

“Para walang selosang nangyayari,” he arched his brow and laughed a little.

My eyes widened.

“At para hindi ka rin magmove-on,” agap niya kaya tumawa rin ako.

“Bakit ayaw mo akong magmove-on?” I teased.

“Alam mo na ‘yon. At pag ito biro lang…” nagbabanta na naman ang tinig niya nang hinawakan niya ang daliri ko at ibinaba iyon.

“Kilalang kilala pa naman kayong mga Ferrarin bilang playgirl at agresibo.”

“That’s not true,” I defended.

“Mga kapitbahay ko ang pinagpupuntahan ng mga pinsan mo. Mga kaibigan ko pa. Lalandiin ngayon. Bukas makikita na sa ibang lalake. Pag nakita kita sa ibang lalake…”

“Sino namang lalake?” I asked as I looked at my fingers he still held.

“Sino bang lalake?” ulit niya, umaangat ang kilay.

“Wala akong lalake ah!” giit ko. “Unless you multiplied…” I smirked.

“Ang gagaling niyo talagang mga Ferrarin,” iling niya ngunit ngumingiti.

“At sa’yo ko lang ‘yan ginagawa. Kaya huwag mo nang isipin na gusto ko si Chesca,” he said boyishly as he rans his fingers through his hair.

Ngumuso ako. I placed it back in the paper bag and put it on my desk.

“Meron din akong ginawa…” saka ko inabot sa isang kamay ang paper bag na dinala ko.

His eyes widened as well. Taka niya iyong tinanggap at sinilip ang loob. It was placed in a cute lunch box, so when he opened it, it revealed the bacon, tocino, and fried rice. Namilog ang mga mata niya.

“Ikaw ba nagluto nito?”

Umiling agad ako. “Uh… kinuha ko lang?”

He barked a laughter. “So… ang niluto ng katulong niyo ang matitikman ko? Hindi sa’yo?”

“Edi bukas! I’ll cook!” hamon ko.

Umirap siya ngunit nangingiti. “Huwag na. Ayos na ‘to. ‘Tsaka pinapabaunan din ako lagi ni Mama.”

“Then… I’ll bake?”

“Marunong ka?”

I nodded enthusiastically.

“Sabagay. Mayaman nga pala kayo. May oven kayo…”

“What do you like? Cookies? Cupcakes? Brownies?”

Nagkamot siya ng batok at nag-isip isip. “Ang tatamis niyan.”

“Then… less sugar!”

He slowly nodded. Tumuwid siya ng tayo at tiningnan ang kanyang relo. My eyes widened when he wore the gift I gave to him.

My mornings became special. And during lunch time, Diana and I would spend it in the library because Trison told me he’d come to me instead.

Kaya hindi na tuloy ako nakakadaan sa aming classroom dahil kusa nang pupunta si Trison sa classroom namin. Kusang papasok, at kusang uupo sa upuan ko habang bumubungisngis si Diana pag naroon siya.

“Crush ni Diana si Trison, hindi ba?” I heard the gossip of the other students when we visited the library to study again.

“Pero alam niyo ba ang narinig ko sa bayan? Pumunta raw si Ayeselle sa birthday ni Trison.”

“Edi… inaahas niya ang kaibigan niya?”

“Baka hindi alam ni Diana. Close pa naman sila ni Ayeselle. Mukhang halata na kinaibigan niya para siguro malandi si Trison.”

“Buti nalang si Trison hindi playboy. Hindi naman siya papatulan. Akala niya siguro purket maganda siya…”

“Baka nga si Diana pa ang magustuhan ni Trison kaysa diyan kay Ayeselle. Matalino naman si Diana. Bagay sila ni Trison.”

“Pero nakakaturn-off din naman si Trison. Anak ng kriminal. Baka kahit gusto niya si Ayeselle, sasabit agad siya kay Donya. Matapobre pa naman ang matandang ‘yon.”

They started chuckling about it. Saktong dumating si Diana at mukhang narinig ang huli nilang usapan kaya padabog niyang inilapag ang kinuhang libro at tiningnan ang mesa nila.

“Hoy mga bobo…” sitsit niya.

The group of students looked at her. Diana smiled and pointed at the signage on the wall.

“Minimize your voice. Baka hindi kayo marunong makaintindi kaya ako na ang magpapaliwanag. Hinaan niyo ang boses niyo. Library ‘to. Wala kayo sa kalye ha…” She smiled, but the mockery mingled in it.

The students glared at her. She glared back and pulled out the chair beside me as she sat down.

“Huwag mo nang patulan,” bulong ko kay Diana.

People who are insecure usually find a negative aspect to every positive experience with the people they hate. That behind their goodness, there is evil reeking.
And when the people they had mistakenly pictured in their imaginations made a mistake, they claimed it as their instinct. But in reality, it’s just their rooted hatred and insecurities coming to the surface and finally speaking up about what’s been buried in their minds for so long.

Kaya hindi ako naniniwala sa sabi sabi ng mga taong alam kong hindi galing sa malasakit ang mga sinasabi, kundi galing lamang sa iniisip nilang masama na matagal nang nakabaon sa kanilang isipan.

“Ferrarin,” tawag ng guro na nagpakaba sa akin habang tumatayo.

The class was silent as I walked to the front. She looked at me critically, as her eyes held some judgments.

“Congrats. You are the second rank on the top list,” she said as she handed me my test paper and smiled.

My eyes widened. Napatili si Diana ngunit mabilis ding naputol at humingi ng tawad. I smiled at her and laughed.

“Thank you po…”

“Again, class, for those who are still not passing their outputs, I’ll give you until next week before you start your summer.”

“Yes, ma’am,” the class said in chorus.

Diana kept glancing at me from time to time. Kaya noong natapos na ang oras ni Ma’am, mabilis ang lapit niya sa aking silya at niyakap ako.

I laughed and hugged her back while we were both jumping.

“Top Two ako! Top two!”

“Oo! Gaga! Nasa ibaba kita! Pero ayos lang ‘yan! Dapat sa susunod, dalawa na tayong Top One ha!” she leered at me with a smile on her face.

“Oh, thank you, Diana!” Halos yakapin ko siya ng mahigpit.

Diana hugged me back. “Magsisikap ako para sa Maynila rin ako makapag college…” she whispered.

I nodded. “Oo. Alam ko kaya mo. Makakakuha ka ng scholarship.”

Wala kaming naging problema sa aming outputs lalo na’t advance kaming nagpasa. That’s why, when summer came, we both planned our trips, such as going to the beach, and visiting the nearby cities in Caraga.

But of course… When summer came, the first thing I did was visit Trison at their house.

“Oh, Ayeselle! Naku wala rito si Trison! Naroon sa court kasama ang mga kaibigan niya! Teka at tatawagin ko na nandito kana…”

Umiling agad ako. “Ayos lang po. Kami nalang ang pupunta doon.”

Diana nodded too. “Alam ko po kung nasaan ‘yung court…”

“Sigurado ba kayo?” tanong ng kanyang Mama habang pinupunas ang basang kamay sa suot na duster.

Sabay kaming tumango ni Diana. Sinenyasan ko ang driver na ibigay ang dinala kong pagkain. His mother’s eyes widened as she shook her head and stepped backward, like it was a sin she would commit if she took it.

“Nakakahiya! Huwag na! Naku…” she said apologetically.

“Ayos lang po…” sabi ko, nangingiti.

“Sige na, ma’am,” ang driver na mas inilahad ang malaking box ng tatlong pizza na nakatali.

“Salamat. Balik kayo dito agad para makain niyo rin ito. Sabihin niyo kay Trison at pinapauwi ko siya,” aniya habang tinatanggap iyon.

I nodded and smiled. Nagpaalam kami ni Diana saka rin bumalik sa loob ng van para maihatid kami roon sa court.

“Ang bait talaga noong Mama ni Trison. Halatang sa kanya nagmama ang anak,” ani Diana.

I wonder what his father looked like. Parte ng sindikato… What was that supposed to mean?

“Kaya tingin mo, Ayeselle… Totoo kaya na kaya nakulong ang Papa niya kasi masama?”

“Hindi naman lahat ng nasa presinto ay masama na,” I defended.

“Sabagay. The jail is painted for criminal people. Kaya kung nakulong, ang iniisip agad ng mga tao na alam mo ‘yon… nakulong kasi masama. Kasi kriminal. Wala namang mag-iisip na mababait ang naroon…” Kibit balikat ni Diana.

I’m suddenly curious if Trison visits his father in prison? Or… he’s mad at him?

Natanaw namin agad ang court. May mga lalake nga roon na naglalaro habang may mga umuukupang nanonood sa bleachers. Mostly, kaedad lang namin. Some were girls. Hindi naman ganoon ka rami lalo na’t hindi ata lagpas sa twenty?

The van stopped as the driver went out to open the door for us. Naunang lumabas si Diana at hinintay ako. Ang iilang mga babae roon ay nagsisitinginan na sa amin, at may iilang naglalaro na rin na nakapansin.

I clung to Diana’s arm as we walked toward the bleachers. Hinanap ko agad si Trison sa mga naglalaro at agaran kaming nagkatinginan habang tumatakbo siya. He took his eyes off me and tried to take the ball from the other team while they surrounded the boy who was dribbling the ball.

“Edi totoo nga ‘yung sabi sabi?” I heard the whispers of the girls.

“Eh noong birthday ni Trison, naroon din si Diana. Baka si Diana talaga at Trison?”

“Sus halata naman. Ginagamit ni Ayeselle si Diana. Alam niyo naman ang mga Ferrarin, parang hayok sa lalake. Siguro nakitang walang interes si Trison sa mga Ferrarin kaya gusto na rin nilang landiin.”

“Ginagamit lang din naman niyan si Diana si Ayeselle. Mayaman kasi…”

Diana’s aggresive glance at them made me stay alert to stop her from shouting at them, coz I knew she’d really do that. Umiling ako at ngumiti.

“Hayaan mo na…”

Diana glared at them and flipped her hair. The boys were already shouting and getting aggressive during the play. Trison was also sweating while wearing his black jersey. I slowly smiled when I saw the Nike shoes I bought for him… He used it.

“Nice, Trison!” sabay high five nila noong kasama niya pagkatapos niyang maka shoot.

Hinila ni Trison ang dulo ng kanyang jersey at pinunasan ang pawis sa noo. Noong mukhang magpapahinga na sila, tinapik ni Trison ang balikat ni Draven at itinuro ang bleachers. Tumango si Draven at naninimbang ang sulyap sa akin habang binubuksan ang mineral water. Sumigaw pa bigla ang mga boys at inasar si Trison. Trison laughed and glanced at them as he showed his middle finger.

“Akala ko ba study first, Trison?!” sigaw ng isa sa mga lalake.

“Summer naman daw. Wala nang pasok. Pwede na raw hindi mag study!” isa sa mga lalake na sinundan agad ng mga halakhakan.

Trison just shook his head as he jog toward the bleachers. Nailing siya sa mga kasama habang sinisiko ako ni Diana, ngumingisi na naman.

“Kanina ka pa? May huling game pa kami…” paliwanag niya at hinipan ang loob ng kanyang jersey.

I told him last week that I’d visit him. Sinabi niyang ayos lang din daw dahil pinapabalik ako ng Mama niya sa bahay nila at pwede raw ako roon kahit kailan ko gusto.

“Galing kami sa bahay niyo. Nakausap ko rin ang Mama mo,” sabi ko.

“Sinabi ko nga na baka pupunta ka. Di ko alam ngayong oras pala.”

He’s so sweaty, and even his neck looked so damp. His features were highlighted more boyishly. I didn’t know he could be this attractive in his jersey with his messy hair and playful smile.

I quickly opened my bag so I could hand over my handkerchief. Kumakaway pa si Diana sa ibang boys na binabati siya at pasimpleng inaasar si Trison na ngingisihan niya lang.

“Heto…” bigay ko sa aking panyo.

Trison smiled at me as he took it.

“Salamat…” saka niya iyon ipinunas sa kanyang basang noo.

“Trison! Game na ulit!” his friends shouted.

Trison glanced at them and nodded. He pointed at them as he looked at me. I nodded too. Doon lamang siya nagjog pabalik dala ang panyo ko na isiniksik niya sa bulsa niya.

“Pulang pula,” bangga ni Diana sa aking balikat.

I couldn’t stop smiling. “Gusto ko talaga siya…” I whispered.

Medyo nagulat siya. “Ay oo. Alam ko na. Kahit noong hindi mo pa alam, alam ko na.”

We both laughed about it. Nanatili kami roon kahit na panay ang lingon ng mga girls. Another girl came to watch the game while it was almost over. She joined the group of girls who kept on talking about us.

“Kanina pa ‘yan dito. Nagfefeeling. Girlfriend ba ‘yan ni Trison, Alice?”

The girl in her yellow dress with a pearl headband glanced at me curiously. I can sense the hint in her eyes that she knows I’m a Ferrarin. I saw how her expression soured.

“Hindi. Walang girlfriend si Trison. Kaibigang babae marami…” si Alice.

“Halata naman na hindi sila. At halatang siya ang lumalandi kay Trison. Baka nga napipilitan nalang si Trison na pakisamahan ‘yan.” The other girl glanced at me with pure disgust.

“Mabait sa lahat si Trison. Kasundo niya rin ‘yung… isa sa mga Ferrarin…” si Alice na napapatingin sa akin.

“Pagsabihan mo si Trison, Alice. Baka madamay pa sila ng Mama niya sa galit ni Donya. Tingnan mo nga ang ginawa sa Papa ni Draven.”

“Sige. Makikinig naman ‘yan sa’kin…”

Alice’s expression was now serious. Diana was busy shouting every time the ball would shoot. Minsan titili siya at mapapatayo.

“Grabe! Oh, how I love sporty boys! Ang gagaling mag shoot!” Diana said as she fanned herself.

I tried to join her when she laughed. Hindi nalang ako nagpapa halata sa kanya na medyo nadadala ako sa usapan ng kabila.

Noong matapos na ang game ay muling lumapit si Trison sa akin. His other friend, Draven went to the girl named Alice since she immediately called him. Nakita ko ang paghawak niya sa braso ni Draven, pagtingkayad habang yumuyuko si Draven at nakinig sa bulong niya.

“Nasa bahay ba si Mama?” tanong ni Trison nang inilahad sa akin ang kanyang kamay.

I placed my hand on his as he guided me down the concrete bleachers.

“Oo. Nandoon…”

Tumingin si Trison sa nakaparadang van. Bumaling siya kay Draven na nakaabang na rin sa kanya.

“Una na ako! May sumundo,” turo ni Trison sa akin sabay halakhak.

Draven nodded and looked at Alice again. She said something to him.

“Tara,” si Trison na lumebel sa akin.

“Trison!” Alice called.

Kapwa kami napatingin sa likuran. Draven sighed.

“Sumabay kana sa amin. Sa bahay tayo nila Draven,” she invited.

“Huh? Bakit? Anong meron?” Trison looked at them curiously.

“May sasabihin ako,” Alice said as she looked at me seriously.

“Huwag na, Alice,” rinig ko ang tinig ni Draven.

“Anong sasabihin mo? Dito na…” si Trison sa naiinip na tinig at namaywang.

Alice looked at me again with pure judgment. Draven shook his head, as if he were telling her not to say anything offensive.

“Oh… ‘yan ‘yung Alice,” bulong ni Diana sa akin.

“Basta. Sumabay ka nalang sa amin ni Draven. Pauwiin mo na sila,” she insisted.

Diana’s eyes widened.

“Magagalit ‘yon si Mama. Bisita niya ‘to,” hawak ni Trison sa aking ulo. “At magtatampo ‘to pag pinauwi ko, Alice,” he chuckled again.

Ngumuso ako. Diana pressed her lips against each other, but she elbowed me as she’s now controlling her smile.

“Ayos lang…” sabi ko nang makitang kakaiba na ang paninitig noong Alice sa akin.

“Ayos lang,” Trison mimicked mockingly. “Hindi ‘yan maayos. Huwag ka munang umuwi…” masuyo niyang bigkas.

“But… how about them?” I looked at his friends again.

“Mauna na kayo, Trison,” Draven in his serious voice.

Trison nodded as he looked at Alice as well.

“Mamaya nalang, Alice,” Trison waved his hand, dismissing the topic as his other hand reached for my elbow. “Tara…” he said to me with finality.

“Ikaw ang priority,” bulong ni Diana sa akin.

Chapter 15

Offensive

“Maglakad nalang tayo para may moments kayo. Kukunan ko kayo ng picture sa likod,” bulong ni Diana na agaran kong ikinapayag.

I gestured to the driver that we’d walk when he opened the door.

“Sigurado ka?” tanong ni Trison nang magpasya na nga akong maglakad lang.

“Oo.”

“Malapit lang din ang bahay namin. ‘Tsaka bibili ako ng softdrinks sa tindahan. Baka may gusto ka rin,” Trison explained when we started walking again.

“Uy Trison!” ang mga kaibigan niyang kasama sa basketball kanina ang nagsitawag habang nasa likuran namin.

Trison glanced at them, his brow lifting up, but he’s smiling as well.

“Girlfriend na ba?” they teased.

Trison just laughed and gestured to dismiss the topic.

“Hi Ayeselle,” bati ng iilan niyang kaibigan sa akin, nangingiti.

I smiled. “Hello…”

“Diana. Kumusta kayo ni Conrad?”

Diana only laughed. “Huwag nga kayong chismoso!”

Maingay sila sa likuran namin, nakasunod at naghahalakhakan. I can hear their ongoing teasing, and how they keep mentioning Trison’s name. Natatawa ako minsan habang si Trison ay nasa likuran na ng ulo ang mga kamay, nakatingin sa aking reaksyon at ngumingiti rin.

“Uy Trison…” an old lady called him.

“Nay!” masigasig na bati ni Trison at lumapit sa matanda para magmano.

Ngumiti ang matanda sa kanya at napalingon sa akin. His friends were already advancing, passing us by as Diana and I stopped in front of the old lady too.

“Maggo-grocery ba kayo, Nay? Ipatawag niyo lang ako para may magbuhat sa pinamili niyo,” he offered.

“Hindi pa naman. Marami ‘yung nabili natin noong nakaraan. ‘Tsaka pakisabi kay Mama mo na pumunta sa bahay bukas. Narinig ko magpapahanda rin ‘yon sabay sa Graduation ni Draven. Para naman may maambag ako,” ang matanda.

“Sige nay…” ngiti ni Trison.

Tumingin ulit ang matanda sa akin. Siniko ako ni Diana kaya inabot ko ang kanyang kamay na agaran niyang ibinigay at nagmano rin ako.

“Mano po…”

Diana smiled at the old lady and take her hand. Nakapamaywang si Trison, ngumingiti sa akin.

“Ito na ba ‘yon, Trison?” The old lady smiled at him meaningfully.

Trison’s eyes squinted a bit as she scratched his back while his lips stretched more.

“O siya… mauna na ako. Kaawaan kayo ng Diyos,” she chuckled.

“Ingat, nay…” si Trison.

The old lady nodded and started walking. Hinaplos ulit ni Trison ang aking siko para magpatuloy kami sa paglalakad.

“Grabe Trison. Buong barangay ata kilala mo,” Diana said dramatically with narrowed eyes.

“Suki si mama sa labada eh. Suki rin sa mga paninda niya,” he smiled proudly.

Iilang hakbang pa, ang mga batang nagtatakbuhan ang nakasalubong namin. Nang isa sa mga batang babae ay nakita si Trison, sumigaw agad.

“Kuya Trison!” she called happily and ran toward him.

Trison crouched until he welcomed her and lifted her up. The cute girl giggled while Trison carried her.

“Naubos mo ba ‘yung bigay kong spaghetti? May dasal ‘yon ni Hello Kitty,” he conversed playfully.

I noticed that she’s also wearing a Hello Kitty dress. Mukhang mahilig siya kay hello kitty.

“Opo! Inubos namin ni Kuya…” saka tumingin ang bata sa akin kaya tiningnan din ako ni Trison habang patuloy kaming naglalakad.

“Ganda ‘no?” si Trison sa bata.

Nahihiyang tumango ang bata at may binulong kay Trison.

“Mukha ka raw princess sabi ni Katie…” ngisi ni Trison sa akin habang ang batang babae ay nahihiyang niyakap si Trison at isinubsob ang mukha sa leeg niya.

I chuckled and looked at the girl as he caressed her back, whispering things to her. Tumango ang bata saka niya ibinaba.

“Kuya Trison! Pahinging limang piso,” iyong iilang mga batang nagtatakbuhan kanina.

Trison took his wallet out of his pocket and opened the zipper.

“Anong bibilhin? Baka candy na naman? Ngiti nga…”

The kid showed his teeth. Some of the kids were already following us while we were walking.

He nodded and gave him a five pesos, which made the kid scream. Hinampas hampas niya pa ang kanyang pwet para ipagyabang iyon sa mga kalaro niya.

“Ako Kuya Trison!” The other kid ran to him, showed his teeth, which made Trison laugh.

“Piso lang. Kulang ang ngipin.”

Diana and I chuckled along with Trison, who seems so giddy with the kids.

“Tama na. Uubusin niyo na naman ang barya ko. May magagalit oh,” nguso ni Trison sa akin.

The kids looked at me with amusement until they started with a long ‘yieee’ as they teased us. Kung hindi lamang sinaway ni Trison, hindi pa ata babalik sa pagtatakbuhan.

“Kaya naman pala ang daming bisita noong birthday niya,” Diana whispered again.

Pansin ko nga ‘yon. At sa nakikita ko, ramdam ko kung gaano siya ka gusto ng lahat.

You know he’s good when even the kids like him.

“Pasensya na…” si Trison nang tingnan ulit ako. “Ganito talaga dito sa barangay namin. Kilalang kilala kasi si Mama.”

“Mabait ka rin sa kanila,” I pointed out.

Napadaan kami sa malaking tindahan kung nasaan nagpahinga ang kanyang mga kaibigan sa basketball na umiinom rin ng softdrinks at kumakain ng snacks ang iba. When they saw us, they started grinning and teasing us again while Trison pulled my pulse gently toward the store.

“Aba… Trison…” ang tinderang pamilyar sa akin.

It was the woman from Trison’s birthday.

“Uy hello Ferrarin!” natutuwa niyang bati habang nakalabas ang ulo at nakahilig sa kanyang tindahan.

“Hello po,” magalang kong wika.

Pinagkakaguluhan na rin si Diana ng mga boys. She conversed with them playfully.

“Mabuti at gumala ka dito. Mababait naman kami rito, hindi ka mapapahamak,” aniya.

“Huwag ka lang dumaan sa bahay nila WangWang, Ayeselle! Tingnan mo mukha niyan,” biro ng isa sa mga kaibigan niya sabay turo sa isang lalake na mabilis siyang inambahang sisipain.

Naghalakhakan sila habang nagbibigay ng barya si Trison sa tindera na ngumingiti rin.

“Sprite ‘tsaka mineral water, Aling Jade…” saka ako nilingon ni Trison. “May gusto kang kainin?”

I shook my head. He looked at Diana, who was still busy entertaining the other boys.

“Madalas dito ang mga Ferrarin. Sabi na at tourist attraction talaga itong barangay natin,” one of his friends continued.

“Tigilan niyo na nga ‘yan. Mahiya kayo sa bisita ni Trison…”

“Baka hindi na ‘yan bumalik dito! Mukha pa naman tayong nanggigripo ng tagiliran sa kanto pag nagsama sama tayong lahat,” the other boy looked at me apologetically.

Nakitawa ako kahit hindi ko naiintindihan ang topic nila. But they seemed so funny, so I laughed too.

Ibinigay sa akin ni Trison ang mineral water habang ininom niya ang bote ng sprite. I took it from his hand and thanked him.

“Gago. Wala pang napapahamak sa barangay na ‘to. Kasi akala nila ang siga ng mga narito,” patuloy ng kanyang mga kaibigan.

“Eh si Drystan pa lang… parang hari na ng kalye ‘yon.”

“Tapos nandito pa si Trison, black belter! Sino bang mangangahas?”

“Si Lupong pa! Tingnan niyo nga ‘yon. Topless lagi at kung makapaglakad sa kanto akala mo may gyerang pupuntahan habang kinakamot ang malaki niyang tiyan. Ganito pa maglakad,” ang lalake na pinakita pa ang maangas na lakad, nakakuyom ang mga kamay, matapang ang ekspresyon at sigang siga kaya nagtawanan ulit.

Lumapit ang driver sa akin at ibinigay ang aking wallet lalo na’t hinihingi ko rin.

“Uy manlilibre na ‘yan si Ayeselle…” isa sa mga boys.

Trison attempted to kick him. Some of his friends punched the boy’s back too as they roasted him.

“Mahiya ka naman Rocco! Hindi dapat ganyan! Pero Ayeselle… Baka naman…” biglang lambot ng tinig noong isa kaya siya ulit ang pinagtulungan ng mga boys, si Trison na binatukan din siya.

I chuckled and pulled out a 1,000 peso bill and handed it to the woman in the store.

“Ako na po ang magbabayad sa gusto nila,” sabi ko.

“Naks! ‘Yun oh!” the boys screamed.

“Isang bote ng San Mig na ‘yan Aling Jade!”

Hinaplos ni Trison ang siko ko. I shook my head and smiled at him.

“It’s fine.”

“Utang ko ‘yan sa’yo,” he said.

Umiling ako lalo na’t ayos lang naman ngunit pinagsasamaan niya na ng tingin ang mga kaibigan niya.

“Gago kayo. Pinerahan niyo pa,” saway niya na ikinahalakhak nila.

“Supportive naman kami Trison. Pero pag nambabae ka, s’yempre isusumbong ka namin kay Ayeselle.”

“Ay pakidagdagan po ‘yung San Mig nila,” I said playfully.

The boys screamed as if they had won the lottery.

“Kahit matanda ang kakausapin, isusumbong namin Ayeselle! Gano’n kami ka supportive!”

“Oo. Kahit magbreak na kayo, bawal pa rin lumandi itong si Trison!”

“Dude huwag ganyan! Mali ‘yan! Huwag kang gago, dude…” haplos pa ng isa sa mga kaibigan niyang lalake sa braso ni Trison sa madramang paraan.

“Tigilan niyo ako,” si Trison at itinulak ‘yung lalake.

Diana and I giggled. Bumili na rin ako ng malaking soft drink para sa pizza na nasa bahay nila saka kami nagpaalam doon sa mga kaibigan niyang todo pasalamat sa akin.

They were so fun that I wish I could visit Trison every day so I could bond with the people in their barangay. Maiingay pero ramdam mo ‘yung respeto nila at pagwelcome sa akin kahit Ferrarin ako.

“Ma…” tawag ni Trison nang pumasok na kami sa kanilang bahay.

“Inuna mo pa talaga ang basketball mo! Hindi kana nahiya! Pinuntahan ka pa ni Ayeselle,” agarang salubong ng kanyang ina at hinampas siya sa braso.

“Ayos lang po talaga,” sabi ko.

“Oh ayos lang daw,” ngisi ni Trison ngunit sinapak pa rin ng kanyang ina sa braso.

Natatawang inilapag ni Trison ang dala naming soft drinks. Nagulat siya sa nakapatong patong na malaking pizza at mukhang hindi talaga ginalaw ng mama ni Trison. Itinuro niya iyon.

“Binili mo?”

I nodded. Nilingon ko si Diana na nilapitan ang ina ni Trison dala ang kanyang charger at phone.

“Pwede po ba makicharge?”

“Ay osige, hija… Akin na…”

Her mother hastily took the phone and the charger as Diana looked at Trison.

“Top two pa naman si Ayeselle…”

Trison’s eyes widened. “Talaga? Ba’t hindi mo agad sinabi sa akin?”

Ngumuso ako. Diana grinned. Lumabas na ulit ang mama ni Trison.

“Ma, top two,” si Trison na proud pa akong itinuro.

His mother’s eyes widened. “Oh? Aba dapat pala mag celebrate tayo! Teka at magluluto ako ng pansit!” Her voice sounded so proud and excited.

“Nakakahiya po…” tanggi ko.

“Ay huwag nang mahiya! Top two ka! Hindi ‘yan basta basta! Dapat magcelebrate tayo!”

Nagkatinginan kami ni Trison. He chuckled, so I chuckled too. His mother is so welcoming. And even his friends… The whole people here is just very welcoming, even though I am a Ferrarin.

They don’t throw hate because Trison welcomed me. Na ang mga magmamahal sa kanya, ay mamahalin din nila. At ang mangangahas na saktan siya, ay ituturing agad nilang kalaban.

“Ang sarap pa naman noong pansit sa birthday ni Trison!” Diana said giddily to Trison’s mother.

“Oo. Dito na kayo kumain. Teka at magluluto ako. Trison, asikasuhin mo ang bisita,” She leered at her son.

“Manonood po ako, Tita. Sarap na sarap kasi si Mommy sa luto niyo…” si Diana na sumunod na sa kusina.

“Halika… para makita mo…” anyaya ng mama ni Trison.

Napagpasyahan din na tulungan ni Trison ang mama niya kaya nasa kusina kaming lahat habang nagkukwentuhan na rin.

“Basta Trison… ang sabi ko, pag maggi-girlfriend ka, ‘yung kaya mo nang ipagsabay sa pag-aaral mo…” she said while slicing some carrot.

Sumulyap si Trison sa akin, nangingiti. Sumulyap ang ina ni Trison sa kanya at nahuli ang ngiti niya kaya nilingon akong nakaupo.

“At mahiya ka! Ferrarin ‘yan!”

“Gagawin ko ‘yang Alcaraz para hindi na ako mahihiya, Ma,” Trison chuckled as he washed the noodles on the sink inside the strainer.

Nauuna pa atang kiligin si Diana at hindi naman mabura bura ang ngiti sa labi ko.

“Tipo mo talaga ‘tong anak ko, Ayeselle?” halos gulantang ang kanyang ina nang tingnan ako.

“Opo,” I answered shamelessly.

Her eyes widened. Trison laughed.

“Nagconfess ‘yan sa’kin, Ma. Noong birthday ko. Sabi niya… ‘Trison, mahal na mahal kita. Ang gwapo mo—Aray,” halakhak ni Trison nang hinampas agad siya ng kanyang ina.

Sabay kaming natawa ni Diana lalo na’t kinurot pa ng kanyang ina ang kanyang tainga.

“Mahiya ka! Ang feeling mo!”

“Oo nga, Ma! Crush na crush niya raw ako. Kaya nga inaagahan kong pumasok para ma inspired siya lagi sa klase,” he laughed again.

“Nakakahiya ka!” medyo natawa rin ang ina niya.

Sinimulan na ng mama niya ang maggisa habang tumutulong si Trison, panay pa rin ang pang-aasar sa kanyang ina na natatawa nalang at nag-aambang hahampasin siya ng hawak nitong stainless na spatula.

“Basta ang sabi ko sa’yo, ayos lang sa akin ‘yang paggigirlfriend pag hindi napabayaan ang pag-aaral! At graduating kana sa susunod na pasukan!” her mother pointed at him using the spatula.

“Hindi niya raw ako ididistract, Ma. Napag-usapan na namin…” he conversed playfully while holding the bowl of chicken he sliced into pieces.

Her mother looked at me again. As if his son’s words hadn’t really convinced her. I nodded and smiled.

“Mag-aaral po kami…”

“Narinig mo, Ma?” Tiningnan ako ni Trison. “Takot kasi siya na maaga ko siyang bibigyan ng apo. Ayaw niya raw tumanda agad—”

“Tigilan mo ako! Mahiya ka kung bubuntisin mo agad ‘yan! Anong ipapakain mo sa anak niyo?! Asin?!”

“Grabe naman! Hindi ba pwedeng manok at isda?” si Trison.

“At bubuntisin mo talaga ng maaga?!” his mother tried to smack him again.

Tumawa ulit kami ni Diana nang umatras agad si Trison sa ambang paghubad ng mama niya sa kanyang tsinelas.

Kahit noong matapos na ata ang pagluluto, hindi pa rin natapos tapos ang topic habang hinahanda ng kanyang mama ang lamesa at inilagay ang mga pagkain doon kasama na ang pizza na binuksan na rin ang unang box na nakapatong sa iba pa.

“Tawagin mo si Draven, Trison. Imbitahan mo na rin dito ‘yon…”

Tumango si Trison at tumingin muna sa akin, itinuro ang labas saka ako tumango. Noong kami nalang, ngumiti ang ina ni Trison habang naglalagay ng mga babasaging plato sa lamesa.

“Totoo ba ‘yon? Gusto mo ang anak ko?” she smiled calmly.

Diana looked at me playfully. I slowly nodded.

“Opo…”

Trison’s mother gasped. “Oh… sure kana ba diyan sa anak ko? Baka ginayuma ka no’n…”

I laughed, including Diana.

“Marami pong nagkakagusto kay Trison sa school, Tita,” Diana said.

“Kahit dito nga sa amin. Naku… dinadayo ‘yan minsan ng mga babae rito. Pati ‘yung mga kapitbahay namin, ang mga babae nilang anak, tipo pala si Trison! Nakakatuwa nga… mabait din kasi ang batang ‘yan kahit parang loko loko minsan.”

“Seryoso rin po siya sa pag-aaral. Pero… gusto ko po siyang maging boyfriend.”

Her eyes widened more. She didn’t expect my confession. Kahit si Diana, malawak ang ngiti.

“Alam na ba ‘yan ni Donya? Hindi ba magagalit sa’yo ang Lola mo? Ayeselle… paumanhin sa sasabihin ko, pero… ayokong maliitin ang anak ko. Lalo na nag-iisa ko lang siyang anak. Kaya kahit mapagod ako kakatrabaho, mapagtapos ko lamang siya, magtitiis ako. Kasi ayokong maagrabyado siya.”

My chest clutched. Diana’s smile slowly faded as she bowed her head a bit and cleared her throat. Binasa ko ang aking labi at walang masabi. Hinaplos niya ang likod ko.

“Matutuwa ako kung kayo ang magkakatuluyan ng anak ko. Kaso nakakahiya sa magulang mo, Ayeselle. Nanglalabada lang ako. Ganito ang pamumuhay namin. Ayokong baka husgahan si Trison, ang anak ko… Eh ako, kahit sabihin na naglalako ako ng kung ano-ano diyan sa kalye tanggap ko ‘yon kasi marangal ‘yon. At doon ko kinuha ang pangtustos sa pag-aaral ni Trison. Doon ko iginapang ang anak ko. Pero baka hindi ko kayanin kung… maliitin si Trison…”

I bowed my head a bit. I never thought of this from a deeper perspective. Ngayong nasabi ng ina ni Trison, doon ko unti-unting nakita sa mata nila ang hirap kung papasok man ako sa buhay nila.

For me, it won’t be our problem because I accept Trison for who he is as a person. I accept his mother, and I respect their way of living. Malayo man iyon sa maluhong pamumuhay namin, ngunit namamangha ako dahil alam kong gawa sa pagod iyon.

But I never ask myself if my views would match theirs. I might think that it won’t be a problem, but it might be for them. Lalo na’t nasa kanila ang pressure. Hindi ito madali sa kanila lalo na’t malayong malayo ang estado namin.

She rested her hand on my hand resting on the table. Agaran kong nakita ang gasgas sa kanyang magaspang at kulubot na kamay, gawa marahil ng kakalaba. Doon ko halos maramdaman at makita ang handa niyang gawin para sa anak niya. At handang gawin ni Trison, para sa ina niya.

“Hindi ko kayo hahadlangan ni Trison, susuporta ako. Pero pag-isipan niyo itong mabuti…” she said in a serious yet comforting tone.

I lifted my head and nodded at her. She smiled back and squeezed my hand. We heard the footsteps outside until Trison, Draven, and Alice went in.

“Hi Tita!” Alice greeted her and went to Trison’s mother to kiss her cheek.

“Uy Alice! Buti at nandito ka rin! Halika at sumali kayo! Top two pala itong si Ayeselle! Naghanda na rin ako…” she smiled enthusiastically.

“Oh? Congrats!” Alice smiled at me.

“Thank you…” I smiled back, relieved that she looked friendly to me.

Naninimbang ang tingin ni Diana sa akin, at sa tuwing titingnan si Alice, may nakapaskil agad sa kanyang mukha na handa niya akong protektahan sa kanya kung tatarayan man ako.

Trison occupied the chair beside me and tilted his head. He put his hand on the back of the chair I’m sitting on as Alice and Draven started occupying the other empty chairs.

“Teka at kukunin ko ang cellphone ko. Pipicture-an ko kayo,” Trison’s mother said as she excitedly went out of the kitchen.

Alice looked at me meaningfully, this time her stare looked hostile. She glanced at Draven, whispered something, and then looked at me again.

“May problema ba, Alice?” Trison smirked boyishly when he noticed it too.

Noong lumingon ako kay Trison, ramdam ko ang kakaibang timpla sa ngisi niya. That if Alice said something offensive, he’d throw her out without hesitation.

Chapter 16

Problem

Alice was a bit shocked at how Trison’s tone was a bit serious and full of alertness to shield me, as if he saw the signals that she was attempting to throw some bombs and Trison had caught it while she was still plotting it.

“Wala naman…” Alice was a bit taken aback; her face calmed down, and she looked at me in a more curious way.

Diana remained alert to her as well. Alam ko naman iyon. Kanina pa, doon pa lamang sa court. She’s hostile. Her eyes hold judgments. And I can sense she doesn’t like me.

Ngunit wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin kaya hindi ko rin agad mahusgahan. Knowing she’s Trison’s friend, maybe she just cares for him too. She’s worried since my family’s background is not something else. We have a lot of ugly rumors here.

Biglang pumasok ang ina ni Trison at ganadong itinapat sa amin ang kanyang Android na phone.

“Tingin kayo dito! Ngiti kayo!” she urged us playfully.

We all looked at the camera and smiled. Tiningnan niya ang kuha niya at nakangiti na roon.

“Trison! Ayeselle! Halika! Tumayo kayo rito sa dingding! Kukunan ko kayo ng picture!” senyas ng kanyang ina.

“Ma!” saway ni Trison at nagkamot ng batok.

“Sige na! Para pag graduate niyo, maisama natin ito sa album! Collections!” his mother urged.

I stood up because I was eager. Diana would always give me a smile every time I did something shameless. Tumayo na rin si Trison habang tumitingin sila sa amin na naglakad na roon sa dingding na tinutukoy ng mama ni Trison.

We stood on the plain white wall. I put my hands behind me as I glanced at Trison, who was still scratching his back shyly.

“Tingin dito sa camera!” his mother called.

We both looked at the camera. I smiled a little while Trison stretched his lips for a little smile too.

Nakailang click siya. Noong tingnan niya ang kuha, ngiting ngiti siya.

“Ang ganda nito ipa-frame anak! Ilagay mo sa kuwarto mo!” his mother showed the screen of her phone.

We both looked at the photo. It looked cute because Trison and I looked so shy. Tiningnan ulit iyon ng kanyang mama at muling tumingin sa akin.

“Curious talaga ako dyan sa pisngi mo. Hindi klaro dito sa picture, pero ano ba ang tawag diyan… sa ano… mga tuldok sa pisngi mo?”

Trison glanced at my face too. Kinapa ko pa iyon hanggang napagtanto ang tinutukoy niya.

“Ah… freckles po…” I pointed out.

“Oh freckles… May lahi kayong mga Ferrarin ‘di ba. Iba rin kasi ang kulay ng mga mata mo. Parang gold na halos…”

“Opo. Half Russian at half Spanish po ang mga Ferrarin…”

“Ah… kaya naman pala ang ganda ganda niyo. Ikaw mukha kang anghel. Tapos dito ka mahuhulog?” she pointed at her son.

“Grabe ma… Sino bang anak niyo rito? Si Ayeselle o ako?”

His mother chuckled while giving the phone to Trison.

“Picture-an mo rin kami ni Ayeselle. Para naman maipakita ko sa mga kumare ko kung gaano ka ganda itong future girlfriend ng anak ko,” his mother said shamelessly.

Napatingin ako kay Diana na halos umabot sa tainga ang malawak na ngiti. Ayoko nalang lingunin si Alice lalo na’t pumwesto na agad ang mama ni Trison sa aking gilid at ikinublit ang kamay sa aking kamay.

“Ang bango mong bata ka! Kaya siguro sa isang araw dalawang beses maligo si Trison!”

“Ma! Huwag mo naman akong ilaglag,” si Trison na itinatapat ang camera sa amin. “Tingin kayo dito…”

His mother and I both smiled at the camera. Trison clicked it continuously as her mother changed her pose from time to time, which made me change mine too. Tumayo rin si Diana at nag-offer na kunan kaming tatlo ng picture. Ako pa ang nasa gitna.

After the picture-taking, she already urged us to eat with the others. Noong umupo ulit kami, nagawa pang umalalay ng kanyang ina sa akin at nilagyan ng pagkain ang plato ko.

I noticed how Alice paid attention to Trison’s mother and how her eyes would settle on me for a long period of time before taking it away.

Trison was talking to Draven about scholarships while Alice started striking up a conversation with us.

“Ilang taon kana?” she asked.

“Seventeen…”

“Oh… grade ten?”

Tumango ako habang pansin ang marahang pagnguya ni Diana sa hawak niyang pizza, naninimbang ang tingin kay Alice.

“Hindi ba magagalit si Donya na pumupunta ka rito?” she pointed out calmly.

Trison, who was talking to Draven, glanced at Alice. Tumingin din si Draven sa akin, tinitimbang ang aking ekspresyon.

“Nagpapaalam ka ba? Alam ba nila na… dito ka pumupunta?” she asked more.

Trison’s mother went in with a smiling face, as if she had received good news. Alice pressed her lips against each other.

“Ayos lang naman kay Lola na gumala ako basta uuwi lang ng maaga,” I clarified. “At dala ko naman ang driver.”

“Mabuti naman, Ayeselle…” ang mama ni Trison nang marinig iyon.

Well, when we were new here in Caraga, we’d always sneak out since Lola is just too strict and we wanted to explore the province. We’d go places, and we don’t care about Lola’s curfews. Until she would punish us, such as by locking the gate or letting us find our own bed outside the mansion, instead of disobeying her, we’d just follow the rules.

Alice didn’t ask any more questions. Kahit noong matapos na sa pagkain at lumabas kaming dalawa ni Trison saglit lalo na’t tinawag niya ako, nahanap ko ulit ang sarili sa likod ng kanilang bahay.

The garden looked lively in the afternoon. The golden hour made it look aesthetic, as the butterflies were flying all over the flowers.

“Congrats,” ani Trison at naglahad ng isang pitas na bulaklak.

I looked at the flower and chuckled as I took it from his hand.

“Thank you…”

Namulsa si Trison at pigil ang ngiti.

“Proud na proud siguro sa’yo ang Mama mo. Top two ka…”

My smile slowly faded while I sniffed the jasmine flower he gave me. If my mother found out that I am in the top two, she’d blame Abrielle again for distracting me, saying that I should have been in the top one if she didn’t influence me with those make-ups and short dresses.

Hindi katulad ng mama niya, alam kong hindi kontento si mommy sa ganito. She always wanted me to be at the top of the list, above all, and superior to everyone around me. She crowned me like a perfect daughter who’d excel in academics, in life, and in everything.

“Huwag nga muna tayong magrelasyon,” I said with finality.

His smile vanished. Medyo taranta ang pagkakatingin niya. It bothered him.

“Magmomove-on kana? May nagustuhan ka doon sa mga kaibigan ko kanina?” His eyes looked at me suspiciously.

I chuckled and shook my head. “Wala naman. Ano lang… uh… gusto ko, hindi ka ma distract sa pag-aaral mo lalo na’t balak mo palang maging scholar. Ayokong mag-alala ang mama mo sa’yo.”

He slowly calmed down. I looked at the flowers again as they were kissed by the golden hour. Tiningala ko ang masiglang langit habang hawak sa dalawang kamay ang sanga ng bulaklak na bigay niya. Dinama ko ang humalik na sinag ng araw sa akin. I smiled a little when I realized that liking him was one of the refreshing things I experienced.

In my peripheral vision, I saw how his lips parted. Nakangiti ko siyang nilingon na titig na titig na sa akin, seryoso ang ekspresyon at mas nadepina ang abong mga mata nang humalik din sa kanya ang gintong liwanag.

“I’ll wait for us,” I smiled.

He gulped as he bowed his head, licked his lower lip, and nodded.

“Hanggang lumalim ang nararamdaman mo… I’ll be your girlfriend.”

His head rose up immediately. Namumula ang kanyang mukha. Ramdam ko na hindi siya sanay itago ang pakiramdam niya. It would always reflect on him.

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa hawak kong bulaklak. Kinuha niya iyon sa aking kamay at inilagay sa aking tainga. He ran his hand through my hair as his twinkling eyes danced uncontrollably.

“I like you so much, Trison,” I confessed.

He gulped again. Nabawi niya ang kamay niya at naibulsa iyon. Kung noong una naming pag-uusap dito, nakakangiti at nakakatawa siya, ngayon ay seryoso siya at tila namamangha.

I smiled and faced him entirely. My eyes drifted to his lips. Humawak ako sa kanyang braso at tumingkayad. He crouched a bit, giving me access so I could make my advances.

My lips touched his lips. His face turned red as I slowly pulled myself away. I chuckled when I realized he was so flush.

“Ang pula mo,” I pointed out, chuckling.

Trison shut his eyes and covered his face with his hand as he chuckled too.

“First kiss ko ‘yon,” namamaos ang tinig niya.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. He pulled my waist tight and hugged me as he rested his head on my shoulder and chuckled weakly.

“Huwag kang magmove-on. Sa akin ka lang,” bulong niya sa namamaos na tinig.

“H-Hindi nga,” agap ko nang humataw na ang kalabog ng aking dibdib dahil sa yakap niya.

His hot breath kissed the skin of my neck when his low chuckle vibrated against it. He grazed the tip of his nose on my neck, down to my shoulder, and planted a small kiss on the edge of my shoulder intimately.

“Akin lang ‘to,” he whispered in a desperate tone, tightening his hug.

I buried my face against his shoulder. I wanted to scream so bad. Nanggigil pa ang aking mga kuko at niyakap siya ng mahigpit.

“Of course. This Ferrarin is yours,” I said shamelessly.

“Patay ako nito kay mama… ang hirap mong hindi gustuhin…” lalong naging paos ang tinig niya at bahagyang natawa.

I chuckled too. The defeaning pounding of my heart was so loud that, for sure, he could feel it. Or maybe it was so loud because some of those heartbeats aren’t mine. Some are… his.

May nabaling sanga at sumunod ang yabag ng mga paang tumatakbo habang narinig ko pa ang lumalayong hagikhik ni Diana. I tilted my head to see it from his back, thinking that Trison might pull away from his hug, but he didn’t. Matagal ang yakap niya.

He’s too big compared to my small frame. He’s a six-footer. He has a broad shoulder, and I fit perfectly into his chest.

The warmth of his hug was so comforting that I wanted to stay in his arms forever. I want to fall in love with him more, and I want to become part of his life.

Na kahit ata ipagtabuyan man ako, babalik ako rito nang paulit-ulit dahil alam ko, ito ang tahanan ko.

“Bumalik ka ulit dito ha. Bukas lagi ang pinto para sa’yo…” ang mama ni Trison nang magpaalam na kami ni Diana na uuwi na.

“Opo.” Sabay tingin ko kay Trison na titig na titig sa akin, tila ba gusto pa akong abutin at yakapin ulit.

“Dumalo ka sa graduation ni Draven. At sa kaonting handaan din para sa pagiging grade twelve ni Trison…”

I nodded again. “Opo…”

His mother hugged me again, warmly. Nangingiti niyang nilingon ang anak at inutusan na kaming ihatid sa may pinto.

Nagpaalam din ako kay Draven at kay Alice. Alice nodded at me and waved her hand. Ngumiti ako pabalik at kumaway din sa kanya. Maybe I could get to know her more on other days.

Trison walked us to the van. Diana went in first. Ipinasara ko iyon lalo na’t ayoko munang pumasok. Sumandal ako sa pinto at humalukipkip. He rested his hand above my head while his other hand reached for my pulse as he slowly held it while his lips stretched for a smile.

“May lakad ako next week. Gusto mong sumama?” he asked.

“Is it a date?”

Ngumuso siya. “May tuturuan akong mga bata. Martial Arts. Sa isang mall lang naman. Pagkatapos noon pwede tayong gumala?”

“Then it’s a date?” I confirmed again.

Binasa niya ang labi. “Kailangan ba talagang date ang tawag?”

“You don’t want to date me?”

Humalakhak siya. “Sinabi mo kanina huwag muna tayong magrelasyon tapos ngayon…” ngiting ngiti siya sa akin, nakadungaw sa aking ekspresyon habang namumungay ang mga mata kakatitig sa akin.

“It’s a friendly date!” agap ko.

His lips stretched more. “Oo na… Friendly. Sus… Tapos manghahalik.”

“It’s a friendly kiss too.”

Ngumiwi si Trison. “Ang friendly mo ah? Naglolokohan lang ata tayo dito?” biglang naging maangas ang malambot niyang tinig kanina.

“But you’re my crush, so it wasn’t friendly. And how about you? When are you planning to kiss me?”

His eyes widened. Mapanghamon ko siyang tiningnan. The sunset in the sky kissed him, making his features more vividly handsome.

“Ano ‘to? Halikan tapos hindi pa tayo?” he arched his brow playfully.

“Fine. Then no kisses…” Tumalikod ako, nag-aambang buksan ang pinto, ngunit pinaharap niya ako.

“Teka lang. Ang bilis magtampo…” He made me face him again.

“Saan mo ba gusto? At anong halik ba ‘yan? Baka iba na ‘yan…” halos bulong iyon.

“Just a peck!” I hissed.

“Kanina ka dapat nanghingi noong nasa garden tayo. Makikita tayo ng kaibigan at driver mo…”

“They’re not looking,” agap ko.

Tumingin siya sa harap para makita kung nakatingin ba ang driver lalo na’t bukas ang bintana, at tumagilid din ang ulo para makita kung pati ba si Diana.

Lumingon din ako sa kanila. The driver was absentmindedly looking outside the window, waiting for the signal. While Diana was pretending to look out the window as well to give us some other time.

When he made sure that they weren’t watching, he leaned closer and brushed his lips on my cheek, imitating what I did to say goodbye to him.

My stomach churned. He pulled away and looked at me.

“Ayos na?”

“Isa pa…” I demanded shamelessly.

His eyes drifted to my lips this time. His lips twitched for a controlled smile as he looked at me meaningfully and leaned closer, planting a soft kiss on my lips.

My stomach churned. Humawak ako sa malaki niyang braso lalo na’t naka jersey pa rin siya. I can feel his muscles so much that I can’t hardly wrap my hand around it.

“Isa pa?” he whispered, tilted his head to the other side, and planted another soft kiss.

“Isa pa…” I whispered dizzily.

He sighed and tilted his head a bit, grazing his nose against my nose. I parted my lips so he would know what kind of kiss I wanted. He chuckled as he planted more kisses on my lips.

“Tama na… Hindi na ako makakatulog kakaisip nito mamaya,” bulong niya ngunit mahigpit ang hawak sa aking pulso.

It was contradictory to what he’s saying because I thought when he let go of my pulse, he’d finally set me free, but instead, he rested it on the side of my waist, wrapped it around me, and planted another soft kiss on my lips.

The kisses we shared were just shallow, yet they felt so deep that they melted me. Kaya paano pa kaya kung… halikan niya na ako ng malalim? French kiss? I might collapse right then!

Kaya siguro ayos muna na hindi kami? Para kung sakaling malalim na ang halikan namin, at sigurado akong hindi kami makakapagpigil, mabuti ‘yung mature na kaming dalawa at alam na naming pareho ang responsibilidad ng pinapasok namin.

“Umuwi kana…” namamaos niyang bulong, tila ba nagmamakaawa na ako nalang ang lumayo.

I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. Humalakhak si Trison at naidiin ang kanyang mukha sa aking leeg, tila ba nakukulitan pero ayaw ding bumitaw.

“Uwi na…” masuyo niyang bulong sabay patak ulit ng halik sa aking leeg ngunit mahigpit ang yapos ng kamay sa aking baywang.

“Hmp! Ayoko…”

“Makikita tayo ni mama rito baka ako ang walang mauuwiang bahay nito,” he chuckled playfully.

We both laughed again. Pinakawalan ko siya kaya pinakawalan niya rin ako. Nailing siya at binuksan na ang pinto para sa akin.

“Ba-bye…” I waved my hand.

Ngumuso si Trison, kagat ang nakangiting labi. Noong isinara na ang pinto, halos sabay ang ulo ng driver at ni Diana nang lingunin ako.

“Boyfriend niyo na, ma’am?” ang driver na si Manong Lito.

“Rinig ko ang bulungan niyo ha!” si Diana na tinuro pa ang mukha ko.

“Hindi pa po,” sabi ko sa driver at medyo natawa sa sinabi ni Diana.

The driver started the engine and beeped first at their house before leaving.

“Ba’t hindi niyo pa bisitahin sa mansyon, ma’am? Papayag naman siguro si Donya kung magpapaalam kayo ng maayos…” si Manong Lito.

“Teka! Hindi ba’t nabanggit mo sa aking may fiance ka?!” Diana’s voice boomed inside the car.

Umiling agad ako. “Hindi naman ako papayag doon.”

“Are you sure, Ayeselle? That won’t be a problem, right? Your grandma won’t get mad at Trison and his mother if she finds out about this, right?” ramdam ko ang pagkakaalarma at pag-aalala niya.

“Naku… iba pa naman ‘yon si Donya pag pinakialaman ang mga apo,” makahulugang sabi ni Manong Lito kaya nanliit ang tingin ni Diana sa akin.

“Uso pa naman sa mayayaman ‘yung bibigyan ng pera ang pamilya para layuan lang! Kung sa Mommy ko ‘yon ibibigay, s’yempre susulsulan ko si Mommy na kunin niya. But we are talking about Trison’s mother here, Ayeselle!”

Umiling agad ako. “Hindi ganoon si Lola, Diana…”

“And your mom? Your dad?”

The sudden mention of my parents made my shoulder loosen. Umiling ako, desididong manindigan.

“Hindi. Ako ang mamimili ng taong gusto ko. Wala silang magagawa sa bagay na ‘yon.”

Chapter 17

Weapon

Diana:

Bumalik pala ako sa bahay nila Trison. Naiwan ko itong phone na naka charge! Pauwi na me :*

Ako:

Ingat :* Pahatid ka kay Trison. It’s already late.

Diana:

Luh! Ma issue pa kami hmp kaya ko naman. Labyu!

Ako:

I love you! :*

I smiled at Diana’s text that night. Hindi mabura ang aking ngiti kahit noong nasa dinner na. Ashtraia is planning to go to Cebu because she says she’s bored here. Baka bukas, umalis na siya.

Ang nasa isip ko lang ay ang sinabi ni Trison na lakad namin. Ilang araw na rin ba? Nasa mansyon muna ako habang pinapaalam na kay Lola ang mga magiging plano ko.

“A beach? With your friend Diana?” she repeated.

“Yes lola…”

“Kayo lang bang dalawa?” Bumalik ang tingin niya sa mga dokumentong binabasa.

“Yup. We’ll bond.”

“No boys?” she asked again, tila ba may pinapahiwatig siya roon.

Umiling ako lalo na’t hindi ko pa nasasabi iyon kay Trison. Isa pa, iba naman ang amin. Gusto ko na may bond kami ni Diana na kami lamang, at meron din na kasama si Trison.

“If… let’s say… I include a boy, would you let me?”

Her eyes lifted. “Is it a friend?”

“Yes?”

Her brow arched. “Friend? Just a friend?”

Ngumuso ako. “Yes…”

Nagtagal ang titig niya, naninimbang. Nasa pagitan ako ng pinto, halos nakayakap sa gilid, sumisingaw ang ulo at nakatingin sa kanya.

“Introduce him to me next time,” she said seriously.

Ngumiti ako at tumango. “Goodnight, Lola…”

Tumango siya at hinayaan na akong umalis. Nasa dulo na ng dila ko kanina na crush. Ngunit hindi naman kami nagmamadali ni Trison, hindi ba? We’re taking it slow. So it’s okay if we’ll, uh… remain friends in the meantime?

Talaga lang ha? Friends don’t kiss, Ayeselle.

Papasok na ako sa aking kuwarto nang sumulpot si Abrielle.

“Ayeselle,” she called softly.

“Hmm?” Nilingon ko siya habang nag-aamba kong buksan ang pinto ng aking kuwarto.

“Sa swimming pool tayo?” she smiled.

“Sure!”

Kapwa kami sabay na bumaba. Our maid gave us bathrobes to cover ourselves from the cold as we both went out. Nagpautos siya ng drinks habang umuupo na kami sa sun lounger.

There’s something about the darkness while watching the calm water in the pool area. Tahimik ang buong paligid at naririnig namin ang kuliglig na nanggagaling sa hardin.

“Naging close mo si Diana?” kuryoso niyang tanong.

“You know her?”

Tumango siya. “Medyo… maldita kasi ‘yon. May mga nakaaway siya na kaklase ko rin.”

Oh? Sabagay. Hindi na ako magtataka sa bagay na iyon. Palaban kasi siya. Hindi siya nagpapaapi. But I know this time she’s nice.

“I also heard she likes Trison so much?” she chuckled again.

Sa sobra atang busy ko lately, kahit ang tungkol sa pagkakaroon ko ng feelings kay Trison ay hindi ko na nabanggit sa kanya. Unlike Abrielle, who’s open like a book to me. I know all her secrets. I know everything about her.

“Noon. Kaso may iba na siyang gusto ngayon. Soccer player na,” pagtatama ko.

There’s something about her expression that seems unconvinced.

“Noong nakaraan… nasa bahay siya ni Trison. Pumunta siya. She’s alone.” She looked at me carefully.

Inisip ko pa iyon. Baka iyon ‘yung araw na nabanggit niya sa akin na naiwan niya ang phone niya?

“Baka may kinuha lang?” I assumed.

“It’s her crush’s house. Of course she’d go there because of Trison?” aniya.

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita at pinanood ang pagsulpot ng katulong habang inilalapag ang maiinom namin ni Abrielle. She smiled and thanked them while I was still contemplating what she just said.

Kinuha niya ang orange juice at sumimsim doon. Bumangon pa siya sa lounger para magawa iyon ng maayos habang nakahiga pa rin ako, medyo naninimbang ang tingin sa kanya.

“At… anong meron doon?” I asked carefully.

“May mga naririnig akong usapan. Gusto mo raw si Trison? You’ve mentioned that you have this enemy… so I assumed that you probably fall for him? Was it Trison?”

Tila ba sigurado na siya sa tanomg niya at gusto niya lang kumpirmahin.

“Bakit? Anong meron kay Diana?” pag-iiba ko ng tanong.

Nagkibit siya. “Baka inaahas ka… You know… she went to Trison’s place. Alone. And I heard a lot of bad things about her.”

“Inaahas? Hindi naman siya sila ang parents natin, Abrielle. She’s not a snake,” I chuckled.

Napawi ang medyo suot niyang ngiti sa labi. Doon ko unti-unting napagtanto ang nasabi ko. I sighed and looked at her apologetically.

“She’s a good friend. Close na kami,” mahinahon kong wika.

“Hindi mo nakwento. Wala akong alam,” may seryoso na sa tinig niya nang mahulog ang tingin sa orange juice niya.

“Well… you’re… busy… with… your crush?” I tried to make it light and smiled.

Her shoulder loosened. “Ayeselle. Pwede ka namang lumapit sa akin lagi. I would never prioritize a boy first over you. Hindi naman ako ganoon. Alam mo ‘yan.”

“I know… but…”

“Umiiwas ka dahil ganoon ako? Busy sa lalake? Because of the make-up? Short dresses? Boys?” she chuckled a little as the pain mingled in it.

Namilog ang aking mga mata at umiling lalo na’t pamilyar ang sinasabi niya.

“Hindi ganoon, Abrielle!” agap ko.

“Because of my snake mother?” she continued more while chuckling, like I had already hit the nail on the head when I included it earlier.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… include it…” halos may pagsisising lumandas sa tinig ko.

She smiled, but there was no humor in it. Tumango siya at tumayo. Naalarma ako at tumayo rin.

“Abrielle…” Hinawakan ko ang braso niya ngunit nang humarap siya, nagulat ako sa namumuong luha sa mga mata niya.

“I understand, alright? I know how much you value your mother’s words. Kaya ayos lang kung lumayo ka. Ayos lang kung ganoon ang tingin niya sa akin. Sa ina ko. Ayos lang kung dumistansya ka. Besides, I am the daughter of my snake mother, right? And I am just like her who prioritize boys—”

“I said I didn’t mean to include it! And I was trying to lessen the conversation by talking about your crush—”

“Of course I would think of something else because you were so distant! I don’t even have an idea about you anymore! I am just concerned about you! Alam mo namang walang matinong kumakaibigan sa atin sa school! And Diana might be faking it—”

“She is my friend, I told you! She isn’t a snake!” I hissed annoyingly.

“Yes. Like my mother…” she smiled flatly and nodded, her eyes turning into bloodshots.

Bumaba ang balikat ko. Halos manlabo ang tingin ko sa kanya lalo na’t hindi ko gusto na may ganito kaming hindi magandang pagkakaunawaan.

Tumalikod siya muli. My lips quivered.

“I’m sorry to say this, but it’s true! Kaya… kaya ano ngayon kung sabihin ko iyon?” Halos mabasag ang boses ko.

She stopped walking. Malamig ang ihip ng hangin habang deri-deritso ang bagsakan ng luha ko.

“Pero tinanggap kita! Hindi ba? We told each other that we are not part of our parent’s dirt!” I cried.

Dahan dahan niya akong nilingon. Her tears were already falling continuously.

“You don’t need to remind me of something that’s already carved in my soul, Ayeselle…” she said in a serious tone.

Humikbi ako at tinakpan ang aking bibig. Kumintab ang mga luhang nagpatakan sa kanyang mga mata.

“And yes, it was my mom’s fault while your family was ruined. Why your mom kept on blaming me every time you’d fail. Because, just like our parents, I am the product of their dirt—”

“Don’t even say that! You know I care for you! You know I love you as my sister!” I cut her off.

Umiling siya at humikbi na rin. “Yes, she’s a snake, but my mom is a better mother than yours!”

Namilog ang aking mga mata.

“Why… why would you even go there?” halos idaing ko iyon.

Umiling siya at nag-ambang maglakad.

“Abrielle!” I shouted.

Nagpatuloy siya. Sa aking frustration ay kinuha ko ang orange juice at binasag iyon sa paanan ko. Ngunit patuloy na ang pagpasok niya sa loob, umiiling, kaya sumunod ako, halos naghihilaan na ang galit at sakit sa akin.

“Yes! Your mother is a good mom to you! But she ruined a family! You can’t blame my mom for being rude to you and your mom!” I spat.

Tumigil siya sa sala at mabilis akong hinarap.

“See?! Kaya lumabas din sa mismong bibig mo! That’s why you’re so distant because you’re afraid you’d be like me! Like us! Someone who prioritizes boys and flirting!” Naaninag ko ang galit sa mga mata niya nang nasa dim na kami na sala.

“I never made you feel like you needed to fit-in—”

“You are not in my shoes, Ayeselle! Hindi mo alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko bilang produkto ng dumi ng pamilya natin! Anak ng kabit! Anak ng sumira ng isang pamilya!” she lamented and cut me off.

Wala akong nasabi roon habang nagbabagsakan lamang ang aking mga luha. Gumagalaw ang kanyang mga balikat. Her bloodshot eyes held so much pain and grudge that her cry told me she’d been enduring it for a long time.

“Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko ka gustong umalis sa pamilyang ito sa tuwing pinaparamdam ng Mommy mo sa’yo na may kompetensya sa ating dalawa! Dahil ramdam ko iyon! Ramdam ko ang pagiging mailap mo sa akin! Hindi mo man masabi, pero alam kong sinisisi mo ako kaya ka laging pini-pressure ng Mommy mo!”

Nakita ko ang pagsulpot ni Arkaine sa ikalawang palapag. Yumuko siya sa railing at tahimik na nanood sa amin, siguro ay papatulog na ngunit narinig ang sigawan namin dito.

“I’m sorry, alright! My mother should have aborted me! Your life might have been better without me—”

My slap was so loud that it made her stop as her head tilted, her hair moving along with her. Nanginig ang aking labi sa galit. Sunod-sunod ang bagsakan ng aking mga luha habang patuloy ang pag-iyak niya.

“How dare you say that?” halos manginig ang boses ko, at kumakawala ang emosyon kong hindi ko na mahawakan pa.

“Fine! Kung ‘yan ang gusto mong marinig, then fine! Your mother should have aborted you! It was probably the peaceful life for me! Fine! ‘Yan ba?! Then I already said it! Then get lost! Kung ‘yan ang tingin mo, kung ganyan ang iniisip mo sa akin, kung pakiramdam mo sampid ka rito, leave! Get lost! Pagod na ako, Abrielle! Pagod na ako sa baho ng pamilyang ito! Pagod na akong ipagtanggol ka ng paulit-ulit kay Mommy! Pagod na akong patunayan ang sarili ko sa kanya! And even when I was molested, she still disregard it because she would only think of you! She would only think the trauma my father and your mother has given to her! Kaya kung ganyan ang iniisip mo, then fine!” halos mapunit at mabasag ang tinig ko nang isigaw iyon.

Mabilis ang takbo ko patungong hagdan. Tumayo ng tuwid si Arkaine at sinundan ako ng tingin. Tumakbo ako patungong kwarto at pumasok doon. I slammed the door and cried.

Ibinaon ko ang mukha sa kama at doon marahas na umiyak. I shouldn’t have said all of it, but I was so mad and so hurt that I couldn’t control my emotions. Ang bilis bilis kong mapuno at mabali.

Iniyak ko buong gabi ang sakit ng aking nararamdaman. Sanay naman akong may pinagtatalunan kami ni Abrielle, pero ito ang pinaka malalang away namin na nagsisigawan at nag-iiyakan kami.

I love her as a sister! If only she knew! Mas kaya kong talikuran si Mommy kaysa sa kanya! I never blamed her for her mother’s dirt, including my father. Alam niya iyon dahil kailanman, hindi ko pinaramdam sa kanya na sampid siya, o nabuo dahil sa pagkakamali.

I was thankful because I have her as a sister. But I couldn’t control my mom. The trauma she had been through after getting cheated on reflected on her parenting toward me, and I became her punching bag.

Kaya hindi ko na alam kung ano ba dapat ang tamang gawin. Kung paano siya patitigilin na hindi niya kailangang idamay si Abrielle sa ginawang pangtatraydor sa kanya ni dad.

Nakatulog ako kakaiyak na mugto ang mga mata ko kinaumagahan. Ayoko sanang sumabay ng breakfast, ngunit iyon ang pinaka patakaran ni lola.

Kaya nang umupo ako, masulyapang namumugto rin ang kanyang mga mata, alam kong parehas kaming magdamag na umiyak.

Naninimbang na rin ang tingin ni Arkaine sa amin. Lola looked unbothered while waiting for the food to get served, but I know that she already noticed our puffy eyes, and, for sure, our disturbing fight last night.

“Kailangan ko pa bang sumali diyan sa away niyo para ayusin ‘yan?” Lola’s stern voice resonated throughout the dining area.

Nanatili ang tingin ni Abrielle sa plato. I looked at her apologetically. Handa naman akong humingi ng tawad. But I know that she’s hurt too.

Walang nangahas na magsalita sa aming dalawa. Pinagsisihan ko tuloy ang pagtanggi na sumama kay Ashtraia sa Cebu. Edi sana… naiwasan ko ‘to. Hindi na sana kami nagkasagutan at nag away pa.

Knowing she didn’t want to reach out to me first, I didn’t bother reaching out either. Kung gusto niyang patigasan kami, then so be it. I am willing to say sorry if she’s willing to talk to me too. But I won’t make the first move.

The breakfast was very silent. Naunang matapos si Abrielle, tumayo agad at nagpaalam. Lola looked at me strictly. I finished my food and stood too.

“Talk to her,” Lola urged.

I’ll talk to her if she insists on it. Hindi ako ang unang lalapit sa kanya.

Iyon ang desisyon ko at mas pinili nalang pumunta sa bahay nila Diana kaysa ang hintaying magkusang lumapit si Abrielle. I know when she’s mad. Kaya niya iyong panindigan nang matagal.

Ngunit hindi ko tanggap na all this time, may ganoon siyang iniisip. I never made her feel like that. Hindi ko siya sinisisi sa pagkakamali ng pamilya namin.

“Ang lala pala…” si Diana nang maglapag ng meryenda sa harap ko at nakwento ko ang away namin.

Na kuryoso siya sa mga mata ko lalo na’t hindi ko pa rin maitagong namumula. Kaya sinabi ko na nag-away kami. I didn’t tell her the trigger of the fight, which was because she was accusing her of being a snake.

May tiwala naman ako kay Diana. Alam kong mali ang sabi sabi ng mga nakapaligid sa amin. Besides… It was sincere. Kaya… ayokong pagdudahan.

“Hindi mo ba kinausap?” tanong niya.

Umiling ako. “Matigas ‘yon paamuhin. At ayoko ring magkusa.”

“Edi… paano kayo magkakabati kung walang magkukusa?”

Nagkibit ako. I want her to talk to me when her head cools down. Inaamin ko na may mali rin naman akong mga nasabi, but she triggered me.

Tumabi si Diana sa akin. She groaned.

“Hindi talaga ako marunong mangcomfort. Mas magaling ako mang-away,” she looked at me with full concern.

I chuckled and shook my head. “It’s okay…”

“Hindi ko pa kasi alam anong makakapagpagaan ng loob mo. Bigla bigla tayong naging close.”

I smiled. “We’ll bond. Nabanggit ko na kay lola ‘yung beach natin.”

Her eyes widened. Napatayo siya sa sobrang tuwa.

“Talaga?!”

“Yup. Uh… plan ko pumunta tayo sa ibang City? Like we could travel here?”

“May naitabi ako noong pasukan kaya makakaambag ako! Sure!”

She was so excited that she invited me to watch movies again. Her mother was out. May trabaho sa isang opisina. Only child siya. Nasa ibang bansa naman ang Daddy niya.

Kapwa kami nakakulob at nakatingin sa isa’t isa habang nakapatong ang kamay niya sa aking kamay at nag-uusap kami sa buhay niya. Naka pause sa harap ang pinapanood naming laptop.

“Ikaw naman. Hmm… kanino ka mas close sa family niyo?”

“Kay Abrielle.”

“She’s like your counterpart. Akala ko nga at first kambal kayo. ‘Yun nga lang, kung ikaw pihikan sa boys, siya ay madalas kong makitang napapaligiran at nang-eentertain.”

“Marami siyang manliligaw,” I pointed out.

“Marami ka rin naman siguro kung hindi ka laging tahimik. Mahinhin ka rin. But you’re jolly…”

“‘Yung problema lang talaga sa akin, pag galit ako, hindi ko nakokontrol ang sarili ko. May mga nagagawa ako na pagsisisihan ko rin.”

“Like?”

“I actually tore Trison’s research paper. Baka… iyon ang isa sa rason kaya mababa ang grades niya noong sem na ‘yon.”

Her eyes widened. “Ginawa mo ‘yon?! Noon?! Noong baliw na baliw ako sa kanya?! Pinunit mo ‘yong mga papel na pinahatid ko sa’yo?!”

I nodded and smiled weakly. “But I… owned up to my mistakes afterwards. Ayon nga lang, huli na. Medyo napagalitan siya ng prof.”

“Ang lala mo…”

Pumikit ako. “Kaya lumala ang away namin ni Abrielle. I included her mom because I was hurt. And I told her a lot of mean things because I was angry as well… Hindi ko alam paano kontrolin ang galit ko pag… sabog ako. Alam mo ‘yon, kung may kutsilyo sa harap, baka gamitin ko nang walang pag-aalinlangan.”

She sighed and caressed my arm. Dahan dahan akong dumilat.

“Next time you’re mad, think twice. Control it. Isipin mo ang outcome. Pause. Breathe for twenty seconds. Maybe it might help you stop yourself from doing things you might regret once you’re not mad anymore.”

Tumango ako at kinabisado iyon sa isip ko. But I know that once I’m angry and triggered, it’s hard to stop myself. Para akong bulkang sumasabog.

“Anger is the deadliest weapon we could use to hurt the people around us. It can cut deep,” ani Diana at naninimbang ang titig sa akin.

Chapter 18

Trigger Warning:
Suicide

Lifeless

Noong dumating ako sa bahay nila Trison, pansin ko na bukas iyon. Ilang sandali lang, lumabas ang kanyang mama.

“Ayeselle! Naliligo pa si Trison! Ang bagal bagal! Nabanggit niya may lakad daw kayo?” nangingiti siya nang igiya na ako papasok.

“Opo. Sasama po ako sa pagtuturo niya ng taekwondo sa mga bata sa isang mall.”

“Oo. Isa kasi sa trainer ‘yan. Halika…” She held my elbow and guided me to the sofa.

“Anong gusto mo? Juice? Meryenda? Kumain kana ba?” natataranta ang tinig niya.

“Ayos lang po. Tapos na po…”

Ilang sandali lang, lumabas si Trison na nakatapis pa ng tuwalya sa banyo at ginugulo ang basang buhok. His eyes widened, and he walked back to the bathroom immediately.

Ngumuso ako nang masulyapan ang topless niyang katawan. And even his back when he turned around looked so firm while the droplets of water trickled down his body, and to his strong thighs.

“Trison! Bilisan mo na riyan!” his mother shouted.

“Ma! Pakikuha nga ako ng damit sa kuwarto ko,” he pleaded.

“Ay naku! Ayan ang sinasabi ko sa’yo! Hindi ka pwedeng rumampa lagi dito sa bahay na tanging tuwalya lang ang suot na akala mo modelo ka! Tingnan mo ‘yan ngayon, nahihiya ka pa!”

“Crush ako niyan, ma! Sinong hindi mahihiya!” he shouted back.

“Assuming ka talaga!”

I chuckled back because I would always find their conversation funny. His mother went to his room, and went out with a t-shirt and shorts.

Ibinigay niya iyon kay Trison na talagang nagtatago sa banyo at ayaw lumabas.

“Sino bang babae sa inyong dalawa? Si Ayeselle bihis na bihis na. Ikaw, naliligo pa! Sa halip na ikaw ang sumundo… ikaw pa itong sinusundo!” Hampas  ng ina niya sa pinto ng banyo.

Lumabas si Trison na naka shorts na at sinusuot ang t-shirt. Magulo ang basa niyang buhok at isinabit niya ang puting tuwalya sa balikat. Inakbayan niya ang kanyang mama at binulungan.

“Ginayuma ko kasi talaga ‘yan, ma…”

Siniko siya ng kanyang ina kaya natatawang dumaing si Trison. Pinaghahampas niya ang likod nito at itinulak patungo sa kuwarto. Natatawang lumingon si Trison sa akin, sumenyas na magbibihis lang.

“Nakakahiya ka talagang bata ka! Ewan ko at anong nagustuhan ni Ayeselle sa’yo!” His mother touched her head like she’s just so done with her son.

Kaya habang nagbibihis ito, walang sawa akong inasikaso ng mama niya. Pinagtimpla na ako ng juice kahit hindi ko hiningi at tumabi sa akin.

“Sigurado ka bang hindi ka pinapagalitan ng parents mo na pumunta dito?” she clarified while looking at me worriedly.

Umiling ako. “Hindi po…”

“Eh nasa Maynila ang parents mo, hindi ba?”

I nodded slowly.

“Bata ka pa, Ayeselle. Kayo ni Trison. Sigurado kana ba talaga sa anak ko?”

There’s something about the way she asked that made her sound so bothered.

“Nag-usap po kami ni Trison na magdahan dahan po muna. At ayos lang po sa akin ang gano’n. Hindi ko rin po intensyon na i-distract siya sa pag-aaral niya.”

“Bukas lagi ang pinto ko sa’yo. Kahit pumunta ka rito araw-araw, sasalubungin kita. Kung sigurado ka sa anak ko, bilang ina niya, alam kong hindi ka niya sasaktan. Kilala ko ‘yan si Trison…” she smiled warmly.

“Oo nga po. Ang bait ni Trison kaya imposible po ‘yon.”

“Ay imposible talaga! Wala pa ‘yang nakakaaway! Dito sa barangay namin, kahit mga bata ay kasundo niya. Nakikipaglaro din kasi!” Nagkamot siya at medyo natawa.

I laughed because it’s true and I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Noong lumabas si Trison, naka itim na t-shirt at army green pants na siya habang may duffel bag na nakasabit sa kanyang balikat.

“Uuwi ba kayo ng maaga? O may lakad pa kayo pagkatapos?” tanong ng kanyang mama nang umupo si Trison sa aking tabi at kinuha ang sapatos niya sa gilid.

“May lakad pa kami, ma. Magdidate daw,” he said boyishly and smirked at me.

“Baka kung saan saan mo ‘yan dalhin si Ayeselle! Sinasabi ko sa’yo, mahiya ka, Trison! Alam kong walanghiya ka pero tubuan ka ng kahihiyan sa gagawin mo!”

“Ma naman! Baka makonsensya pa ako mamaya kung hahalikan ko siya dahil maaalala ko ‘yang banta mo—”

“Aba’t gago ka talaga!” nag-amba na namang hubarin ng kanyang na ang tsinelas kaya tumawa ako lalo na’t nakangising pumipikit si Trison, handa agad umilag.

Nagsintas siya ng sapatos. Sumimsim ako sa juice na hawak habang naamoy ko ang kanyang pabago. It’s powdery and citrusy. Hinaplos niya paatras ang medyo basang buhok at tumayo na.

“Anong oras kayo uuwi, Trison? Sige na nang ipagluluto ko si Ayeselle…”

“Four?” Tiningnan ako ni Trison.

Tumango ako at tumayo na rin lalo na’t tumatayo na siya. Kinuha ng kanyang mama ang hawak kong juice.

“O sige! Hihintayin ko kayo! At Trison! Huwag mong pabayaan!” habilin ng kanyang ina habang sumusunod na sa amin ni Trison palabas.

Her mother hugged me again. “Mag-ingat kayo ha…”

“Opo. See you later po, Tita…”

Ngumiti ang kanyang ina at tumango. Hinawakan ni Trison ang aking siko at tuluyan akong iginiya palabas sa gate nila nang tumigil siya.

“Teka, nakalimutan ko ang relo ko!” He hastily went inside.

“Uy, Ayeselle! Magandang umaga!” bati ng mga dumaang kaedaran ng ina ni Trison.

“Magandang umaga po…”

Tumigil sila sa harap ko at nilingon ang bukas na bahay nila Trison. They looked at me curiously.

“Hindi na ba galit si Donya? Mabuti at pinayagan kang bumalik dito…”

Kumunot ang noo ko.

“Po?”

Lumingon ulit sila sa bukas na pinto. Noong ibinalik sa akin, mas kuryoso na.

“Eh hindi ba’t pumunta si Donya rito? Kinausap ang mama ni Trison? Nag-aalala nga kami kasi medyo naging balisa si Rosling kahapon. Nabanggit niya, kinausap daw siya ni Donya.”

I… didn’t know. And I haven’t told Lola about Trison, or his mother. So why would she come here?

“Mabait ‘yang mag-ina, Ayeselle. Alam mo ‘yan.”

“Ano bang sabi ni Rosling sa’yo? Natutuwa pa naman ‘yon sa’yo. Baka hindi niya lang masabi na layuan mo nalang si Trison pero problemado ‘yon. Iba kasi magalit ‘yang angkan niyo. Tingnan mo ang nangyari sa ama ng mga Blancaver. Pinakulong ng lola mo.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Wala akong ideya at hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Lumabas si Trison sa pinto at ngumiti agad ang mga ito sa kanya.

“Magandang umaga po,” bati ni Trison.

“Magandang umaga! May date?” ngisi ng isa sa babae sa aming dalawa.

Natawa lamang si Trison at hinaplos ulit ang siko ko. Nagpaalam na sila sa amin kaya naglakad na rin kami ni Trison patungo sa paradahan ng mga tricycle.

“Kinausap daw ni Lola si Tita?”

“Si Mama?” taka niyang tanong at tila walang ideya.

“Sabi noong mga babae…”

“Talaga? Ano raw?”

“Hindi ko nga alam eh. Walang nabanggit si lola.”

“Uy Trison! Dito na kayo sumakay! Hatid ko na kayo!” isa sa pamilyar na lalake noong birthday niya na nagmamadaling magdamit.

Tumango si Trison at pumasok kami sa likod. Umupo siya sa aking harap at nakaparte ang mga hita kung saan nakakulong ang nakadikit kong mga hita.

I can tell from his face that he’s bothered by the conversation. Medyo nag-aalala rin ako lalo na’t wala talagang nabanggit si lola.

“Tatanungin ko nalang si Mama mamaya,” aniya nang makarating kami sa mall.

The kids he’s going to teach are five years old to ten years old. May boys at girls. At sa excitement nila nang makita si Trison na nakabihis na ng puting taekwondo uniform at itim na belt, mukhang kilala na rin siya ng mga bata.

I watched him teach the kids on the blue mat the basic movements. Magaan siyang magturo at nakikinig ang mga bata sa kanya. He would always wear his smile in order not to intimidate them, and he would always pat their heads when he was proud of them.

Nagjog siya patungo sa akin at inilahad ang mineral water. Tinanggap ko iyon.

“Baka mauhaw ka. Hindi ka ba nababagot? Baka gusto mong kumain? Ibibili kita,” aniya nang handa nang ilabas ang wallet niya.

Umiling agad ako. “Mamaya nalang. Magturo ka muna…”

He crouched and rested his hands on his legs until our faces leveled.

“Hindi ka ba nabobored?”

Umiling ako at medyo natawa. “Nag-eenjoy ako manood.”

“Sigurado ka? Baka bukas… hindi kana bumalik sa amin?” nanunuya ang ngiti niya sa akin.

“Babalik ako ‘no. Your mother told me I’m welcome to come back. Pagbubuksan niya daw ako lagi ng pinto.”

“Botong boto ‘yon si mama sa’yo dahil mga katulad mo ang gusto niyan para sa akin,” medyo natawa siya.

“Imagine if you won’t fall in love with me. Your mother won’t welcome your other girls…” I grinned.

Bigla niyang hinilamos sa akin ang palad niya. “Other girls na naman. Ang hilig mo talagang gumawa ng ikakaselos mo.”

I groaned and caught his pulse. Natatawa niyang hinawakan ang aking baba.

“Sige na. Magtuturo pa ako. Baka mabawasan ang sweldo ko nito. Wala kang ice cream sa’kin mamaya.”

Ngumuso ako. He handed his phone to me to hold for a while. I watched him jog towards the kids again. Nakangiti siyang sumulyap sa akin bago ulit sinimulang magturo sa mga bata.

The screen of his phone opened as it vibrated while the text flashed on it.

mama <3

nak! uwi kayo maaga ha, ipagluluto ko si ayesel :*

mama <3

ingat kayo labyu nak

I smiled at her text. I could hear her cheerful voice in my head and the smile she would flash at me.

I wonder what Lola told her that resulted in talking to her personally? Minsan naman kasi, walang pakialam si lola kung sinong mga lalake ang kasama namin, as long as we can handle it, and we won’t get ourselves in trouble.

And I can’t remember telling her about them.

I looked at Trison again, who’s now holding a wood while crouching down, as the little boy tried to aim it by swinging his foot into the air, but didn’t even touch the wood.

“Ha…ya!” the little boy, who seems five years old, shouted, his hands into fists, but still failed to hit the wood as his foot swung clumsily.

Trison laughed and stood again as he put the wood down. He tried to show the little boy how to kick. The little boy imitated it, but in a clumsy way, so Trison crouched down and showed his short leg how to do it.

Nawili akong manood sa kanya. Pinapasadahan niya ng haplos ang kanyang buhok at seryoso minsan ang tingin sa mga bata ngunit madalas na ngumiti at humalakhak.

I realized how well his mother raised him. He’s good, kind, gentle, and full of compassion. Everyone loves him because he felt so safe, like someone who couldn’t do evil things.

If we create a family someday and end up together, my kids won’t worry about their father because I know I’ve chosen a good man for them.

Hindi matutulad ang mga anak ko sa amin ng mga pinsan ko, sa amin ni Abrielle, dahil alam ko, hindi siya katulad ni Dad.

Diana:

Goodluck sa date! Kiss ulit kayo

I chuckled at Diana’s text.

Ako:

Magkikiss kami later hihi

Diana:

Nasa bahay din ako ng crush ko. Akala mo maiinggit ako? :P

Tatlong oras halos ang dumaan. Marami nang snacks sa hita ko, at may mga packed food na rin na ready to eat na. Kumakain si Trison kanina ng burger habang nagtuturo. Nagsnacks din ang mga bata at ilang minuto, balik ulit sa kanilang session.

Mga ala una na kami natapos. Nakapagbihis na siya sa dati niyang suot at nakasabit na ulit ang duffel bag sa kanyang balikat habang kinakausap kami ng mga parents noong tinuruan niya para makapagpaalam.

“Hindi ba’t Ferrarin ka?” isa sa mga parents noong batang tinuruan niya.

I smiled and nodded. They looked so shocked to see me.

“Oh? Sabi na’t Ferrarin! Nakikita ko madalas sa hotel niyo iyong isa mong kapatid kaya nakilala agad kita,” the woman smiled at me while her eyes went to Trison in a curious way.

“Pinopormahan mo, Trison? O girlfriend?” the woman chuckled.

Trison caressed his nape shyly, but there was a meaningful smile stretching on his lips.

“Naku! Ang lala pa naman ng mga manliligaw nila! Halos taga maynila pa ang iilan, galing sa mga mayayamang angkan at talagang dadayo rito para lang ligawan ang isa sa mga apo ni Donya,” the woman bragged.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Trison. Hindi naman siya mukhang na-ooffend pero mararamdaman kong hilaw minsan ang ngiti niya.

It took us some minutes to escape them. Medyo tahimik na siyang namulsa habang papalabas kami ng mall at sumakay sa jeep. I’m excited because this is my first time.

Nasa dulo kami. Pinausog niya ako at siya ang umupo sa tapat ng pinto. His body was facing my position as I sat comfortably, curious about the surroundings.

Humawak si Trison sa bakal na nasa ibabaw. Gagayahin ko sana kaso kinuha niya ang kamay ko at ipinahinga sa isa niyang hita.

“Madumi… Baka mangati ang kamay mo.”

I looked at my hand resting on his leg. Ang kamay niya ay nakahilig sa likuran ng bintana at nakabantay ang mga daliri roon sa gilid ng aking braso.

“I’m curious,” saka ko siya tiningnan.

“Hmm?” He looked at me gently.

“Uh… when will you know if it’s deep?”

“Ang nararamdaman ko para sa’yo?” hula niya sa nakakunot na noo.

“Yup…”

“Hindi ko pa alam.”

“Bakit hindi mo alam? ‘Di ba dapat alam mo ‘yan?”

Umiling siya. “Hindi pa. Pero pag nalaman ko na, sasabihin ko agad.”

“Talaga?”

“Oo…”

“Then… I’m gonna be your girlfriend from that moment?”

“Kung papalarin sa’yo…” he said as his lips stretched for a controlled smile.

“What? I told you I liked you! I said I would say yes! I like you!”

“Walang kasiguraduhan, Ferrarin. Baka pag malalim na, saka naman naglaho ang sa’yo.”

“Then you won’t fight for me? Edi hindi ‘yan malalim kung hindi mo ipaglalaban.”

“Basta ilalaban kita sa paraang alam ko…”

Iyon ang naging usapan namin hangang makababa at pumasok na sa malaking park.  I’ve never been into parks. Though I am aware that these places exist,  I’m not fond of coming here.

Now that Trison decided to bring me to a peaceful park with trees all over the place and the lights trying to peek through the leaves as they became strings kissing the ground, it showed the calmness that comforted me.

Napadaan kami sa dalawang matanda na sumasayaw sa gitna at may kumakantang lalake hawak ang gitara.

“Anong meron?” I asked.

“Mukhang anniversary nila,” nguso ni Trison sa nakalagay na balloon sa gilid at may nakalagay na Happy 50th Anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Bautista.

They’re dancing while lights peek through the leaves where they were standing. The man continued to sing, and it sounded so familiar to me. It’s Ride by HYBS.

“Sali kayo,” nangingiting tingin sa amin ng babaeng matanda.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Trison. The old man smiled at us too.

“Sige na… Para tumibay ang relasyon niyo,” the old lady urged more.

It was like a spell given to us when I nodded at Trison and pulled his pulse to the center. He groaned while wearing his smile, his other hand covering his face as he laughed.

“Hindi ako marunong sumayaw,” aniya nang humarap ako sa kanya.

“It’s just a slow dance!” I said as I rested my hands on his broad shoulder.

Ngumuso si Trison at tiningnan ang dalawang matanda na nakangiti pa rin sa amin. Ginaya niya ang hand placement ng matandang lalake saka inilagay sa magkabila kong baywang ang kanyang mga kamay.

I laughed as we started swaying slowly, too. The old lady laughed along with us as she rested her head against the chest of her husband.

“Magpractice ka. You’re my last dance on my eighteenth birthday,” I glared at him playfully.

Namilog ang mga mata niya. “Ayoko. Nakakahiya sa mga bisita mo.”

“Anong nakakahiya doon?”

“Mga mayayaman pa naman ang imbitado diyan. Baka pag isinayaw kita,
mapahiya ka,” he laughed.

I leered at him. “Magtatampo ako, Trison.”

“Magtampo ka lang. Susuyuin nalang kita pagkatapos.”

I stomped my foot and punched his chest lightly. His eyes squinted while he chuckled.

“Nay… Tay… sinasaktan ako oh…” sumbong niya sa matanda na kanina pa pala nanonood sa amin.

“Mahal ka niyan, hijo…” ngiti ng matanda.

Umangat ang dalawang kilay ni Trison habang natawa ako ng bahagya kasama ang dalawang matanda. I stick my tongue out at Trison.

Some of the lights peeking through the leaves kissed my face. It felt warm enough that we didn’t change places just to get sheltered from it.

And even Trison’s face lightened as his features were highlighted. Oh, how much the heavens favor this man for giving him a perfect face. His thick lashes complemented his thick brows. The gray color of his eyes made him look more immaculately handsome. Aphrodite is probably fond of his mother because she gave her a son that looked so handsome, like a daydream.

Hindi na ata ako makakaahon kay Trison…

The old man turned to the old lady and urged Trison to mimic them. So Trison lifted my hand and turned me as well. Natawa kami ng matandang babae.

“Gusto ko ganyan din tayo,” I pointed out as I put my hands back around his nape.

Bumaling si Trison sa dalawang matanda.

“Masyadong payapa ‘no?” he said.

I nodded and looked at the two old couples, who were looking at each other warmly. “They look so peaceful and free.”

“Pagsisikapan ko ‘yang pangarap mo…” he whispered when he crouched a bit.

I smiled at him while my heartbeat doubled. He copied my smile too. My stomach churned so much that I couldn’t stop looking at his face as I indulged myself in the moment.

“Kinausap pa naman ni Donya si mama. Baka in-offeran na ‘yon ng milyon milyon layuan lang ang apo niya.”

“That only happens on televisions!” I pinched his shoulder.

“Baka hindi ‘yon pumayag si mama. Pero susulsulan ko ‘yon na tanggapin niya. Lalayuan naman kita.”

“What?” I laughed and slapped his shoulder.

“Gagamitin ko ‘yung pera pang-aral, tapos magtatayo ako ng negosyo hanggang sa naging triple. Saka kita babalikan pag yumaman agad ako. Si Donya naman ang aalukin ko ng pera para layuan tayong dalawa,” ngisi niya.

Humalakhak ako.

“Strategy natin ‘yon. Makisama ka kung ayaw mong malayo sa akin,” dagdag niya sa biro niya.

Hinampas ko siyang muli at humalakhak. Trison was following my eyes as he laughed as well.

“Pero huwag kang mag-alala kay mama. Hindi ‘yon mukhang pera.”

“Lola won’t do such a thing. She won’t interfere unless we’re in trouble. She’s not that shallow,” sabi ko.

“Ah? Kaya naman pala kahit kabi-kabila ang gulo ni Ashtraia hindi talaga nagpapakita si Donya sa eskwelahan?” halakhak ni Trison.

The string of lights suddenly disappeared as the sky turned gray until there were thunder flashes that made us stop dancing. Nagpaalam kami sa dalawang matanda at binati na rin sila ng happy anniversary.

“Badtrip. Ba’t uulan?” Trison looked up while we were already inside the tricycle.

“Sa bahay niyo nalang tayo,” sabi ko habang tinitingnan din ang langit na nagiging kakulay na ng mga mata niya.

“Wala pa naman akong payong,” he groaned as he opened his duffel bag resting on his lap. “Mapapagalitan ako ni mama pag nabasa ka. Baka hindi ako papasukin sa bahay no’n.”

Tumawa ako lalo na’t naiimagine ko nga si Tita na hahampasin siya sa braso.

Patakbo kaming bumaba sa tricycle para muling lumipat sa kabilang sakayan pahatid sa kanila. I was shouting while he was pulling me from the pouring rain.

Natatawa na ako noong pumasok kami sa likod ng tricycle habang problemado si Trison.

“Gago. Ang lakas ng pintig ng puso ko. Patay ako kay mama nito…” kabado niyang hinaplos ang dibdib niya.

“It’s fine, okay! Ulan lang ‘to!” I chuckled.

“Inaalagaan ka no’n. Magagalit ‘yon pag nabasa ka,” ngiwi niya.

I rolled my eyes as I watched him rummage through what was inside his duffel bag and wipe my face with his towel. He looked so worried that I just smiled.

Noong huminto na ang tricycle sa bahay nila, takang lumabas si Trison habang nakatingin sa nakasarang pinto ng kanilang bahay.

“Umalis ba si Mama? Ba’t sarado ang bahay?” taka niyang tanong.

Malakas pa rin ang buhos ng ulan habang ginagawa kong payong ang bigay niyang damit. He pushed the gate open as we both ran to the door.

Pinihit niya ang pinto na hindi naman lock. His brows knitted curiously until he pushed them open.

“Ma?” he called while the door slowly revealed what was inside.

May natumbang upuan sa harap. But what caught our attention the most was the lifeless body of his mother strung up over the ceiling with the electrical cord wrapped around her neck. Ang ina ni Trison… nakabigti… sa loob ng bahay nila.

Chapter 19

Trigger Warning:
Suicide

World

Her swollen bloodshot eyes were wide open as she looked like she battled death but failed to save herself. Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko habang natatarantang tumakbo si Trison sa kanyang ina.

“Ma!” sigaw niya at nagmamadaling pinatayo ang upuan saka siya sumampa roon, inangat ang kanyang ina gamit ang isang kamay, at ang isa naman ay kinakalas ang tali sa kanyang leeg.

Tumakbo ako at mabilis na tumulong kahit litong lito ako at hindi alam ang gagawin dahil sa kalabog ng aking dibdib. Hinawakan ko ang mga binti niyang nakasabit habang hirap si Trison na alisin ang cord, hindi ko alam kung masyado bang mabigat ang kanyang ina, o sa naluluha niyang mga mata, hinang hina na siya.

“Ma!” tawag ni Trison sa namamaos at nababasag na tinig.

“B-Bakit ganito?” my voice immediately broke as I lifted my head while Trison pulled the cord out of her swollen neck.

Nasulyapan ko ang natuyong luha sa mukha ng kanyang ina, tila ba umiiyak siya bago nalagutan ng hininga at nawalan ng malay.

For the first time, fear succumbed to my body. I realized how much I don’t want to lose a loved one. Nor to experience mourning for the life I lost.

When he successfully took her out of the electrical cord, he carried her, and we ran outside immediately.

“Tulong! Si mama!” he shouted as his voice mingled with the heavy pouring rain.

Iginala ko ang aking nanlalabong tingin habang hawak ko ang dulo ng t-shirt ni Trison. Nanginginig ang labi ko at nagbabagsakan ang mga luha ko. Trison would always look at his lifeless mother, whom he carried into his arms. I was shaking, unable to do what was right.

“Ma!” tawag ni Trison sa nababasag na tinig. “Huwag ganito, ma…” His lips trembled as he panicked.

Walang tao sa makulimlim na paligid. Maingay dahil sa ulan. Ngunit nang may dumaang tricycle at nakita kami, agaran ko iyong pinara at mabilis ding huminto.

“Jusko! Anong nangyari, Trison?!” ang mga matatandang nakasakay ay lumabas.

“Rosling!” halos natatarantang tawag nang lumapit sa amin.

“Isugod natin sa ospital, Trison! Sakay na!” the driver shouted.

Mabilis ang pagpasok ni Trison sa likod ng tricycle. Sumunod ako at inukupa ang harap. Kumaripas agad ng takbo ng tricycle habang napapalingon sa amin.

“Ma…” tapik ni Trison sa kanyang pisngi. “G-Gising, ma… huwag ganito…” daing niya habang sunod sunod ang bagsak ng luha niya.

I cried with Trison as I held his mother’s lifeless hand. Inilagay ko iyon sa pisngi ko at halos maramdaman kung gaano iyon kagaspang, sugat sugat, marahil sa kakalaba.

“Tita…” I called weakly.

Trison’s shoulder trembled. Sunod sunod ang hikbi niya nang mariing pumikit at idinikit ang noo sa noo ng ina.

“Ma… gising… hindi ko kaya, ma… parang awa mo na… huwag ganito…” Trison cried helplessly as he hugged his mother.

“Gising po…” I whispered breathily as my tears continuously fell.

Umiling si Trison, paulit ulit. “Hindi… hindi ko ‘to matatanggap, ma! Huwag ganito!”

I tried to check her pulse, but it only disappointed me when I failed to locate her heartbeat. Mas lalo akong nanlumo sanhi para magbagsakan lalo ang mga luha ko.

“Ano ba kasing nangyari, Trison?!” sigaw ng driver na binalot na rin ng pag-aalala ang mukha.

Tanging iling lang ang nagawa ni Trison, mahigpit ang yakap sa ina, nakadikit ang noo sa kanyang noo, at paulit ulit ang bulong habang umaagos ang kanyang luha.

“May problema ba tayo, ma? May utang ba? Sabi ko naman… matutulungan kita. Kung pera ma… maigagapang natin ‘yon… Magtatrabaho ako para sa atin. ma…” he tried to converse calmly when his panicking voice didn’t hide the pain.

Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig kahit bigo ko nang pigilan ang tumatakas na hikbi.

“Kaya anong problema, ma? Sinabi mo sana sa akin… Kung sa pag-aaral ko, kung pagod kana sa panglalabada, sa panglalako ng kakanin, sana nagpahinga ka at hinayaan mong ako naman, ma… Ako naman ang magtatrabaho… Ako naman ang maglalabada. Kaya ko ‘yon, ma… Nakakagalit ka kasi gusto mong ikaw lang ang bumuhay sa atin, pero pati ba naman ito, papasanin mo ng mag-isa?” he asked shakily.

I kissed her mother’s cold hand as I cried while hearing his painful sentiments.

“Sinong magsasabit ng medalya ko, ma? Sino? Magiging Valedictorian pa naman ako. Magkokolehiyo ako sa Maynila, hanggang sa makapaghanap ng magandang trabaho, ma… H-Hindi na sasakit ang kamay mo kakalabada, hindi kana magpapahilot ng paa sa akin gabi gabi kakalako ng kung ano ano dahil magsisikap ako. Pangako ko ‘yon ‘di ba? Kaya lumaban ka… Huwag ganito… Hindi ko matatanggap na iiwan mo ako dahil lang pagod kana. Hayaan mo akong ilaban ko ang buhay natin, ma…” namamaos niyang bulong sa inang wala nang kabuhay buhay.

Trison kissed his forehead gently. He buried his face against her shoulder and sniffled his strained cries while hugging her.

“Ikaw lang ang liwanag ko ma… madilim ang buhay pag wala ka. Kaya gumising kana… Hindi ako matatag. Hindi ko kaya. Mahina ako, mama… Hindi ako matapang…” patuloy ang namamaos na tinig niya, halos sumugat na ang sakit sa tinig.

Ni hindi na namin alintana kung basang basa kami sa ulan. Hindi na alintana kung malamig ang ihip ng hangin. We don’t care about the coldness of the rain as long as we’ll feel his mother’s warmth again! As long as we
save her!

Noong makarating kami sa ospital, mabilis ang pagpasok ni Trison. One of the doctors who knows our clan went to me with a panic face.

“Tulong po! Kailangan ko ng tulong!” I pointed at Trison, who’s carrying his mother.

Mabilis na nagtawag ang doctor ng stretcher at agaran kaming inasikaso. Sumunod kami sa kanina ngunit nang makarating sa may pinto, binara rin kami at hindi hinayaang pumasok sa loob.

Tumayo si Trison sa harap ng pinto at sumilip doon. Umiling siya habang nangingislap pa rin ng luha ang mga mata.

“Ma… laban ma…” he whispered pleadingly.

Mariin akong pumikit, halos magpalakad lakad. Trison remained in front of the door, his eyes never blinking as he looked at the small, transparent glass with his bloodshot yet hopeful eyes.

Lumapit ako sa kanya at niyakap siya sa likuran. I rested my head against his back. Hinuli niya ang isa kong kamay at mahigpit iyong pinisil, tila ba kumukuha sa akin ng lakas para lumaban. Para maghintay. Para manatiling matatag, kahit alam ko, unti-unti na siyang lumulubog, unti-unti nang hinihila sa ilalim ng lupa. Unti-unti nang sumusuko.

“Laban… ma… Lalaban tayo…” bulong niya sa mamamaos at nababasag na tinig, tila ba imposible na ang hiling at halos idasal na lamang ang isang himala.

I shut my eyes and cried miserably. I checked her pulse earlier, and I didn’t sense her heartbeat anymore. Sunod sunod ang aking hikbi na humarap si Trison sa akin, niyakap ako.

I buried my face against his shoulder. He pecked his lips against the side of my head and whimpered achingly. Umiiyak kaming dalawa sa labas ng ospital, halos ipagdasal na sana, ang balitang bubungad sa amin, hindi kasing sakit ng bumungad sa amin kanina sa kanilang bahay.

Kaya noong bumukas ulit iyon, ang doktor na bigong humarap sa amin, at umiling sabay tingin sa kanyang relo, halos matakpan ko ang aking bibig at mabingi sa pagdedeklara niyang patay na ang pasyente.

Trison fell on his knees weakly as his tears fell uncontrollably. I saw right in front of me how his world crumbled. His hand rested on the ground as his shoulder rocked. Lumapit ako at yumuko sabay haplos sa kanyang likod hanggang maramdaman ko ang panginginig ng kanyang balikat, ang nakakabingi niyang iyak.

It resonated all throughout the alley of the hospital, showing how the laughs I used to hear turned into defeaning cries and how his warm smile turned into grief.

Why… I don’t understand what’s behind the suicide of his mother. She looked so excited earlier! Hihintayin niya ako ‘di ba?! Ipagluluto niyo ako! Nagtext pa siya kay Trison! Inaabangan niya kami!

Kaya bakit… bakit ganoon mo kami sinalubong?! Bakit?! Hindi ko maintindihan!

Sumabay ang aking iyak sa nawawasak niyang tinig, at sa  masasakit kong daing. His other hand turned into a fist as he continuously punched the white tile.

“Ma…” he cried miserably as he rested his head on his forearm, his eyes closed while whispering miracles.

I held his fist firmly just to stop him from punching it because of his bleeding knuckles. Ngunit alam ko, kahit pigilan ko siyang gawin iyon para lamang hindi siya masaktan, wasak na wasak na siya sa loob.

Bakit po, Tita? Ano pong problema? Bakit po… Hindi ko matanggap… at alam ko, hinding hindi ito matatanggap ni Trison. Hinding hindi siya makakaahon dito.

I pulled him up, wanting to shelter him in my arms so badly. Bumangon si Trison ngunit sapat lamang para yakapin ako. His shoulders continued to rock as he rested his head on my shoulder, his shaking arm wrapping around my waist.

“Si mama…” paulit ulit niyang iyak.

Hinaplos ko ang kanyang likod at pumikit sa sakit at bigat ng aking nararamdaman. Para akong paulit ulit na sinasaksak, at alam ko, sa iyak ni Trison, sa sakit ng nararamdaman niya, nakabaon na sa hukay ang kanyang sarili dahil sa walang pamantay na sakit na kanyang nararamdaman.

“Hindi ko kaya… Hindi ko kakayanin ‘to. Kunin na ang lahat sa akin. Huwag lang siya… Huwag lang si mama…” he begged in his strained voice.

Dalawang kamay ang mahigpit kong iniyakap sa kanya. Umiling iling siya sa aking balikat.

“Mahal na mahal ko siya, Ayeselle… B-Buhay ko siya… Kinakaya ko… dahil nandiyan s-siya… Dahil sa kanya…” he whispered weakly.

Sunod sunod ang aking paghikbi, halos makipagkompetensya sa iyak ni Trison.

“Paano ako magpapatuloy, ma? ‘Yung pangarap nating dalawa m-ma… Paano ‘yon? Paano ko ‘yon ipagpapatuloy? Akala ko ba bubuohin natin? Pero bakit winawasak mo ako? Bakit iniwan mo ako? Bakit ganito, ma?”

It was the longest cry I made throughout my whole life as I begged for a miracle because I felt like I lost my mother as well. I lost a family. I lost someone who dearly supported me. I lost my home.

And Trison lost his mother. His life. His hope. His strength. Not just his home but also his dreams, his driving force to continue. His light.

Halos mahigpit ang kapit ko kay Trison, dahil ang tahanang nahanap at nabuo ko, tila nawawasak. Ang lalakeng matayog ang pangarap, gumuho sa mismong harapan ko. Natalo sa sariling laban.

“Ma’am,” the driver called when he went to the hospital.

Ang kanyang imahe ay nagbigay sa akin ng ideya na mukhang nabanggit ng doktor na nandito ako, at marahil ay kuryoso dahil iniiyakan ko ang pasyenteng hindi naman Ferrarin.

Umiling ako at humikbi. “H-Hindi ako… makakauwi. Si Tita… n-nagbigti po si Tita…” sumbong ko at mabilis na bumuhos ang panibagong luha.

The driver was so shocked that his eyes immediately turned bloodshot. Tumango siya sa akin.

“S-Sige, ma’am… sasabihin ko kay d-donya,” he said in his trembling voice with a hint of tears in his eyes.

Trison was sitting on the floor lifelessly. He’s covering his face with his palms. Magulo ang buhok at ayaw nang tumayo roon. Huminto na ang nanginginig niyang katawan kanina, ngunit alam kong hindi natatapos ang sakit sa kanyang loob.

Ilang sandali lang, ang tumatakbong si Diana ang nakita ko. Noong magkabanggaan ang aming tingin, mabilis na namilog ang kanyang mga mata.

Tumayo ako para salubungin siya. Mabilis na kumawala ang hikbi sa akin, at ang sunod sunod na panginginig ng aking balikat.

“Nagbigti si t-tita… Wala na siya…” iyak ko.

“A-Ano?” halos nabasag agad ang tinig ni Diana at mabilis na sumunod ang hikbi sa kanya.

I don’t understand why she was driven to kill herself, why she hung herself, or why she committed suicide. What triggered her? Was she tired? Was she facing a lot of problems? But… She looked so cheerful. Kaya paano iyon nangyari?

Oo at hindi naman natutukoy ang isang tao na may pinagdadaanang mabigat. Ngunit si Tita… ang ina ni Trison, ay hindi ko halos maisip na aabot sa ganoon.

“Umuwi ka muna,” si Trison, nang ilang oras ay nagkaroon na ulit ng lakas na kausapin ako.

The pain reflected in his bloodshot eyes at how weak he looked. Gumuhit na rin sa kanyang mukha ang pagdadalamhati.

“D-Dito lang ako,” I pleaded.

Umiling siya at hinaplos ang braso ko. “Umuwi ka muna… Ako na ang mag-aasikaso… kay mama…”

Inabot ko ang kanyang kamay na sugat sugat kakasuntok niya kanina.

“Sasamahan kita…”

His bloodshot eyes turned glassy. Huminga siya at bigong yumuko. I can sense that he’s trying to suppress his emotion and carry it so well, but he’s failing miserably.

I pulled on his nape and hugged him again. Huminga siyang muli ngunit nanginginig na naman.

Pinal ang desisyon ko noong ayokong umuwi. Sinamahan ko siya sa lahat. Kahit noong pag-aasikaso sa mama niya, sa mga papel na kailangan, at kahit ang bills ay ako na ang sumagot.

When his mother was sent into their house and laid in the coffin, the whole town cried. Ang nakasanayan kong ingay sa bahay nila ay napuno ng nakakabinging iyak ng mga tao, niyayakap ang kabaong at halos magdabog.

Kahit mga bata, naroon, umiiyak. Ang mga kaibigan ni Trison na umiiyak din.

“Rosling! Bakit mo naman kami iniwan! Paano iyong selebrasyon ng graduation ni Draven na isasabay kay Trison?!”

There were a lot of unanswered questions. Maraming hindi makapaniwala, kagaya ko, at lahat ay hindi matanggap na umabot sa ganoon. He tried to save his mother, who rushed her to the hospital, but still, it was too late.

Dumating din ang kanyang mga kaibigan. Draven tapped his shoulder and sat next to him. Draven tried to converse with him, but Trison just absentmindedly shook his head. Naglakad si Alice sa may kabaong at doon agad nagsimulang umiyak.

I bowed my head as I closed my eyes. Hindi man lang ako dinalaw ng antok sa daming nanyayari. Lola lets me stay here, or I was just pushing to stay.

“Sinasabi ko na talaga na mangyayari ito!” one of her friends cried and looked at where I was sitting next to Trison.

“Binalaan na sana ‘yang si Rosling na huwag palalapitin sa anak ang isang Ferrarin!”

“Kinausap siya ni Donya! Balisang balisa si Rosling pagkatapos noon! Kaya sigurado ako, sa takot niya, nagbigti nalang!”

Halos matakot ako sa nalaman. Alice, who’s hugging the coffin, lifted her head and looked at me angrily.

“Sinasabi ko na, Trison! Binalaan na kita! Tingnan mo ngayon!” she shouted.

Trison didn’t flinch. He looked so lost. Mabilis ang paglapit ni Alice sa akin at hinila ang aking braso patayo.

“Anong sinabi ni Donya kay Tita huh?! Nang dahil sa inyo, dahil sa pagiging matapobre niyo, nadidikitan lang kayo ng mga mahihirap, pakiramdam niyo nanakawan na kayo ng yaman!” she cried in front of me as she gripped my arm shakily.

“Ayeselle hindi sa’yo ang mundong ito! Wala kang lugar dito! Pero siniksik mo ang sarili mo! Kaya paano mo ito ngayon aayusin?!”

My eyes watered. Ang mga naroon ay tahimik at nakatingin sa akin, may halong galit, at pagkamuhi.

Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil pakiramdam ko, sa unang beses, totoo ang sinasabi nila. Pakiramdam ko, iyon ang rason kaya nagbigti ang kanyang ina. Was my grandmother this evil?

“Trison. Pauwiin mo na ‘yan,” one of the ladies, who was his mother’s friend, ordered him angrily.

“Umalis kana! At huwag kanang magpakita sa buhay ni Trison! Kung si Tita… nakaya kang patuluyan dito, pwes hindi ka namin kayang tanggapin, Ayeselle! Hindi namin kayang tingnan ang rason kaya siya nagpakamatay!” she cried.

Yumuko ako at bigong umiyak. The people were nodding their heads, saying that if they could only push me out, they would.

“M-Magpapaalam lang ako kay Tita…” hikbi ko.

Alice was trying to block my way, but Draven stood with bloodshot eyes and pulled Alice away from me.

Naglakad ako roon at tiningnan ang kanyang kabaong. Mabilis ang pagbagsakan ng luha ko at ipinahinga ang ulo roon habang pilit niyayakap ang kabaong.

“Sorry po…” bulong ko sa nanginginig na tinig. “K-Kung dahil man ito sa pamilya ko… panghabang-buhay kong hindi mapapatawad ang sarili ko…”

Mahal na mahal po kita, katulad ng pagkagusto ko sa anak niyo. Sa kaonting taon na nakilala ko po kayo, mas naramdaman ko po ang tunay na pagmamahal ng isang ina. Kaya ang bigat bigat… Mama…

Narinig ko ang iyakan nila ganoon din ang akin. Hinila akong muli ni Alice paalis doon, at halos tingnan ko ang kabaong, gusto pang manatili doon, ngunit hindi ko man lang magawa.

The home that welcomed me in was now abandoning me. The door that I thought would be open forever, was now closing for me.

“Umalis kana!” pananaboy ni Alice.

“Umalis kana, Ferrarin. Huwag kanang bumalik,” ang iilan sa mga kaibigan ng ina ni Trison.

“Tinrato kang parang anak ni Rosling! Pinatuloy! Pero anong ginawa ng lola mo? Pinagbantaan niya siguro! At tinakot!”

“Umalis ka rito! Isang pagkakamali na pinatuloy ka rito!” hikbi nila.

Lahat sila ay tila iyon ang gusto lalo na’t umiingay at iyon na lamang ang maririnig. Ang pagdadalamhati at ang galit para sa akin.

“Lumabas kayong lahat!” Trison’s thunderous voice resonated all throughout the place, and they all went silent.

It was like a growl from a beast that’s finally awakened. Nakatayo na siya, galit na tiningnan ang lahat ng naroon.

“Kung hindi niyo rerespetuhin ang araw na ‘to, lumabas kayo!” he shouted angrily.

No one moved. Alice tried to go to him, but Trison pushed her so hard that she almost lost her balance. Mabilis ang paglapit ni Draven kay Alice.

“Labas!” galit niyang sigaw at nakakuyom na ang mga kamay.

Isa isang nagsilabasan ang lahat. Umugat ako sa aking kinatatayuan, halos hindi matanggal ang mga paa roon.

Draven pulled Alice out, who’s now glaring at me. Kahit ang mga bata ay takot na nagsitakbuhan palabas, na sa kauna-unahang beses, ang lalakeng nakasanayan nilang hindi nagagalit at palangiti, ay sumabog.

Trison walked to the coffin of his mother and stood there quietly. Isa isa nang lumabas ang lahat hanggang sa naiwan akong nakatayo.

“Umuwi kana,” his cold voice was like an arrow he aimed at my chest purposely.

“K-Kakausapin ko si Lola—”

“Huwag kanang bumalik dito,” putol niya na nagpabigla sa akin.

I covered my mouth as my cry escaped. It strangled in my throat that it was suffocating, and I couldn’t breathe. Ang marinig mismo sa bibig niya, alam ko, iyon din ang pinapaniwalaan niya. Na baka nga… dahil iyon sa akin…

“P-Pasensya na…”

I saw how his shoulder rocked a bit as he lowered his head. Ang isa niyang kamay ay inilapag niya sa kabaong ng ina at ikinuyom iyon.

“Hindi ko ‘yan kailangan,” His voice was low, but it held so much controlled pain.

“P-Pwede ba akong… d-dumalaw sa p-puntod—”

“Umuwi kana,” His voice cut me off, still cold yet strained.

My feet moved. I walked to the door, but as I tried to step out, I ran back toward him and hugged his back. Isinandal ko ang aking ulo sa kanyang likuran at doon ako humagulhol.

“B-But she’s my mother too… She treated me like a daughter… How am I supposed to mourn for a lost one?” bulong ko sa bigong tinig.

His shoulder rocked along with mine. I felt his trembling body as he tried to pull my hand out of his waist, but he was so weak that he couldn’t, and it remained there, holding me.

“Nagmamakaawa ako, huwag kang bumalik dito. Hindi ko kayang lumaban ngayon. Hindi ko kayang manindigan ngayon. Lumayo ka…” he whispered desperately.

“Ayaw kitang makita dahil hindi ko alam kung ano lang ang masasabi ko. Kaya huwag mong hintaying itulak kita palayo. Hindi kita kailangan ngayon,” patuloy niya sa namamaos na tinig.

Pero mas kailangan kita ngayon…

I shut my eyes as his words were like daggers he fired continuously. I looked at his mother in the coffin. Sa harap ng kanyang ina, itinaboy ako ni Trison. At sa harap ng kanyang ina, nawasak ang mga pangakong pinanghawakan ko.

“I should have remained on my boundary… I should have never crossed the line… I’m sorry,” I whispered and kissed his back before loosening it.

It was the hardest decision to make. But it was what we both needed. Because Alice is right. I tried to fit in, even though it wasn’t my world. And if it was my grandma’s words that triggered his mother to end her life, I might run away from him, so far away that he couldn’t reach me.

Chapter 20

Trigger Warning:
Mention of Suicide

Attempted

Tulala ako sa sumunod na araw. Hindi ko alam kung paano nakauwi lalo na’t masyadong umukit sa aking isip ang nangyari na kahit nasa bahay na, umiiyak pa rin ako.

I love his mother so much. She sheltered me for a short period of time, treated me like a daughter, and celebrated my small wins, which made me feel like my efforts for the past few months were finally worth it.

It was she who congratulated me with a warm smile and told me that it deserved a celebration because it wasn’t just a top two. Na hindi lang iyon basta basta. At hindi dapat minamaliit. Dahil sa likod noon ay ang dugo at pawis ko sa pag-aaral, ang pagsisikap ko, at ang pagod kong sa wakas ay nagbunga rin.

It was Trison’s mom, who became my mom for a short period of time, who showered me with the genuine love of a mother.

Kaya hindi ko matanggap, na kung kailan may umakay sa akin, kung kailan ipinaramdam sa akin ang pagmamahal ng isang ina, agaran namang binawi.

I hugged my pillow as I buried my face and cried painfully. Sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko, pakiramdam ko ay itatakwil ko ang sarili kong pamilya kung nalaman kong si lola nga ang tumulak sa kanya para gawin iyon.

I don’t want to accuse my grandmother of being that evil. I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I want her to explain to me what has happened, that she would talk to me and ease my mind that it wasn’t her fault, but as I waited for an answer, the silence was so defeaning that I’m starting to think she had done a terrible thing.

“Pasado alas tres y media ng hapon, natagpuan ng sariling anak na ang nakabigti niyang inang si Roselia Selene Alcaraz, o mas kilala bilang Rosling sa Barangay na ito, dito mismo sa tapat ng kinatatayuan ko, kung saan bumungad ang trenta anyos na si Rosling na nakatali sa isang electrical cord, at mukhang lumalabas sa imbestigasyong nagpakamatay. Ayon sa mga kapitbahay, at malalapit na kaibigan, problemado raw ang biktima sa mga nakaraang araw at marahil ay iyon ang nagtulak upang magpakamatay ito sa sariling pamamahay…” the newscaster in her late twenties reported early in the morning as I watched the television.

The camera showed the yellow tape being put in places as some of the police were roving, as if they were investigating the places more to find some evidence.

Nakita ko ang crowded na labas ng bahay na mga pamilyar sa akin, mga tagaroon na nang-uusisa ang tingin habang tanaw ang police mobil na nakapark at umiilaw pa, ganoon din ang iilang pulis na nagkalat.

“Nandito si Lieutenant Colonel Chavez upang idetalye sa atin ang tunay na nangyari. Sir,” saka niya tinapat ang mikropono sa pamilyar na pulis na seryosong nakapamaywang at tumitingin tingin sa bahay, umukit ang awa sa mukha.

“Tinitingnan na namin ang bawat anggulo kung meron bang foul play o talagang nagpakamatay ito lalo na’t meron ding suicide note at nagmatch sa biktima ang sulat-kamay na iniwang papel na nahanap namin.”

The picture of the paper flashed on the screen of the television saying. ‘Anak, pagod na ako.’

Nanginig ako at tinakpan ang aking bibig.

“At ayon din sa lumabas na autopsy, namatay nga sa kawalan ng hangin ang biktima mga bandang alas tres…” the police stated.

Mariin akong pumikit at halos mapaupo sa sahig habang humahagulhol sa dalawa kong palad. We were almost on our way home… almost there…

“Bukod doon, patuloy ang imbestigasyon namin kung may kinalaman ba ito sa asawa niyang parte ng malaking sindikato, na isa sa aming person of interest na iimbistigahan. Ngunit sa ngayon, mas lumalabas na nagpakamatay nga ang biktima sa pamamagitan ng pagbibigti,” the police officer continued.

Sunod sunod ang hikbi ko. Hindi ko makontrol ang mga luhang walang sawang nagbagsakan, at sa bigat ng aking dibdib, halos sisihin ko ang aking sarili kung bakit… bakit hindi ko nalang inaya si Trison na deritsong umuwi. Dahil kung hindi… naisalba sana namin ang buhay niya.

“Mabait si Rosling… Walang kaaway ang mag-ina… dahil kahit ang anak… mabait…” isa sa nanginginig na tinig ng panibagong in-interview ang narinig kong nagsalita.

Umangat ang aking ulo at nakita ang pamilyar na isa sa mga kaibigan niya. Sa ibaba rin ng balita, may nakalagay na numero at may pangalang Mental Health Crisis Hotline.

“At bakit?! Totoo naman! Pinipigilan niyo pa kaming magsalita sa telebisyon para masabing dahil iyon sa—” It was immediately cut off as the voice of the woman faded, while the newscaster was eyeing the place meaningfully, trying to stand professional in front of the camera.

“Sa ngayon, mukhang mas gusto ng anak ng biktima ang huwag munang magbigay ng opinyon sa nangyari. Ako si Janina Tiangco, nag-uulat. Back to you, Georgia,” agarang sabi ng newscaster, tila ba minamadali na lamang dahil may nagwawala na.

The news didn’t even mention our clan’s name, and it was probably controlled by the police officer who’s close to my grandma, which is Lieutenant Colonel Chavez.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iisipin ko. Sa gabing iyon, Arkaine checked on me. I was still crying, and she came to take my food to my room. Nalaman ko rin na busy si lola at may inaasikaso raw.

“I am afraid that… she committed suicide because Lola talked to her, Arkaine! Baka… si Lola…” mas lalo akong humikbi sa aking palad.

“Talk to her. Ask her about it,” she urged.

Natatakot ako sa totoo lang. Ayokong marinig sa mismong bibig ni lola ang mga sinabi niya sa mama ni Trison. I don’t know if I will ever forgive her if Lola’s words trigger her to kill herself.

Kaya sa sumunod na araw, nang makita ang isang police mobil na dumayo sa aming mansiyon, at dumeritso sa silid kung saan madalas si lola, alam ko na agad kung ano ang sadya niya.

I pinned my back against the side of the door as I peeked my head through the ajar door, trying to listen to their conversation.

“Lahat ng mga naroon, ikaw ang tinuturong dahilan kung bakit nagbigti ang biktima. Kamuntik pang masali sa live na balita,” the familiar voice of Colonel Chavez.

Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko. Natatakot ako na pwedeng… nandito siya para pagtakpan ang baho ng aming pamilya, o nandito siya para imbistigahan si lola.

“How’s her son?” It was Lola’s serious voice.

“Hindi makausap. Sinubukan kong kausapin iyon, pero mukhang kailangang sumabak ng batang iyon sa isang therapist at na-trauma ata. Nakakaawa nga at tulala…” Colonel Chavez’s low voice.

“Send my financial support for that kid…” si lola.

“Mukhang hindi maganda sa ngayon ang magbigay ka ng pinansyal na tulong. Baka maraming makaisip na nagbibigay ka ng pera para patahimikin ang kasong ito. Mas mabuting saka kana tumulong kung naimbistigahan na ito nang maayos at nalinis ang pangalan mo,” ani Colonel Chavez.

Tumahimik si Lola, tila ba unti-unti rin iyong naisip.

“Donya, kilalang kilala ka sa Caraga na ito. Hawak ko ang kasong ito, kaya ang gusto ko, magsabi ka sa akin ng totoo. May kinalaman ka ba rito?” I can sense the serious voice of Colonel Chavez, demanding for her truth.

“Lalo na’t lumabas sa imbistigasyon namin, bukod sa malapit sa kanya, isa ka sa huling nakausap niya. May mga kaibigan niya ang handang tumistigo laban sa’yo dahil nakwento iyon ng biktima sa kanila bago siya nagpakamatay. May kinalaman ka ba rito?”

I tried to peek my eyes on the side of the door until I got a not-so-clear view inside her office. The Colonel was standing in front of her, his hands resting on her table, while Lola was sitting comfortably on her swivel chair, unfazed by the question.

“Nakipagkita ako. That talk wasn’t a threat.”

“May ebidensya ka ba na makakapagpatunay sa naging usapan niyo?” The colonel seems suspicious about Lola’s statement.

“If I’d known that was her last day, I should have recorded it. So how would I know, Colonel?” Lola answered strictly.

Colonel Chavez sighed. “Iimbistigahan ko ito nang mas masinsinan. Baka may kinalaman din ito sa asawa niya. Sangkot ‘yon sa pinaka malaking sindikato hindi lamang sa bansang ito. Pati sa US.”

“What are the other pieces of evidence you recovered in their house?”

“‘Yung papel lang. Nagalaw din ang loob ng bahay. Mukhang nagpanic ang anak niya, inaakalang kaya pa isalba ang mama niya kaya itinakbo pa sa ospital. Baka kung sakaling hindi iyon nagalaw, may mas matibay pang ebidensya ang makuha… na baka… staged suicide ang nangyari.”

Staged suicide?

“Kaya magsabi ka ng totoo, donya. Oo at magkaibigan tayo, matutulungan kita rito, pero ibang kaso ito. May buhay ang nawala. At ang anak niya, mukhang hindi na makausap nang maayos…”

Lola didn’t say a word. I couldn’t see her expression because of the Colonel’s massive body standing in front of her. But I can picture out Lola’s strict and unreadable expression.

“Kailangan noon ng emotional support, donya. Malaki ang trauma niya. Ayokong isara ang kasong ito at sabihing suicide. Baka may mas malalim pang dahilan ito,” the Colonel continued in his worried voice.

“Baka kung na-dismiss ito, at hindi nabigyan ng maayos na hustisya ang pagkamatay ng ina niya, hindi niya kayanin. Baka mapariwara ang batang ‘yon at sumunod sa yapak ng ama niya,” I can sense the pleading in his voice.

I heard Lola’s aggresive sigh.

“Monitor him until he can already talk. Ask him questions. His mother must have left more evidence if she intended to kill herself.”

“Mabigat ‘to, donya, lalo na’t dalawang anggulo lang ang matitingnan natin dito. Kung nagpakamatay siya pagkatapos niyong mag-usap. Pag nalaman ito ng kanyang asawa, baka ibunton sa’yo ang galit, sa pamilya mo. Kung ang nasa likod naman nito ay ang sindikato na kinabibilangan ng kanyang asawa, ibig sabihin nanganganib ang buhay ng kanyang anak. Baka banta ito.”

Lola dismissed Colonel Chavez without saying a word. Nailing si Colonel at bigong lumabas ng silid ni Lola.

Umayos ako sa pagkakatayo lalo na’t lumabas siya. Sumulyap siya sa akin, bahagyang ngumiti ng kaonti, ngunit nagpatuloy din ang paglalakad ng seryoso paalis.

Doon ko lamang napakawalan ang mabigat kong paghinga. The Colonel is trying to investigate my grandmother. Which means… He doesn’t trust her words.

I couldn’t blame him for not trusting Lola’s words because if he’s indeed investigated and talked to the neighborhood, they probably mentioned Lola’s name, which resulted in his speculation that she might be part of this.

And there’s a possibility that it has something to do with Trison’s father too. Kung ganoon man, malaki ang kasong ito.

But the thing that caught my attention the most is Trison’s state. Hindi makausap nang maayos. He’s still grieving. His pain is so immeasurable that it wouldn’t heal for an hour. And even a lifetime would be so short to find the missing pieces to complete him that are gone forever.

“Who died?” Ashtraia asked bluntly when she went home after her trip to Cebu.

“What’s up? Did I miss somethin’?” patuloy niya at ngumisi.

Tahimik ang hapag. I had been weighing Lola’s expression since the day I heard her talk with the colonel. Is she telling the truth? Anong sinabi niya sa mama ni Trison na hindi niya maamin kay Colonel? Dahil ba magtuturo iyon na tama ang bintang ng mga kapitbahay sa kanya?

O nananahimik siya dahil… alam niyang makakatakas din naman siya rito lalo na sa koneksyong hawak niya.

Kaya sa gabing iyon, hindi ko na nakontrol ang pagiging kuryoso ko. I was afraid to ask her personally because I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, that they might be wrong and that she’s less evil, but I don’t want to suppress the truth anymore. Dahil kung napatunayan ko, ako mismo ang magsasabi sa totoo. Ako mismo ang magbibigay ng hustisya, kahit pa mailalagay ko sa kapahamakan ang pamilyang ito.

Her head lifted when I went in with my serious expression as I pushed the door closed.

She was busy with documents. Tiningnan niya ako at sa titig niya, alam niya ang sadya ko.

“If you are here to ask me about the death of your friend—”

“How did you know that he’s the friend I’m talking about, lola?” putol ko nang mapagtantong alam niya nga.

“You forgot that your driver is one of my men?” she said nonchalantly as she read the documents using her eyes.

Gumalaw ang panga ko. “Bakit mo siya kinausap? Did you tell her that you are setting me up in an engagement with wealthy people? That her son isn’t qualified?! That… we are rich and they’re poor?” I fired continuously, unable to hold the emotion I held for too long.

“You could assume that if I were your mother. But I am not,” she said in a controlled voice without glancing at me, busy with the papers.

“Then what did you tell her?” matigas kong tanong at naglakad papalapit sa kanya.

Hinubad niya ang reading glasses at ipinagsalikop ang mga kamay. She looked at me with her usual strict face, fierce eyes, and less interested emotion.

“It’s a family matter you don’t need to know—”

“I have the right to know because she’s my mother, lola!” I burst out.

Nanginginig ang balikat ko, halos tingnan siya ng kakaiba, na marahil nga, tama ang mga nakapaligid sa amin.

“You should have stayed away from them! Bakit mo siya kailangang kausapin?!” my lips quivered as I smashed my hands on her table; her documents moved a bit by my sudden move.

“You think I’m behind her suicide, Ayeselle?” Her voice is now stern.

“Anong sinabi mo sa kanya?” Nangilid lalo ang luha ko habang nagiging malabo siya sa aking paningin.

Lola sighed and leaned against the swivel chair as she put her leg on the other leg.

“Your mother won’t like it if you hang out with a boy whose father is in prison…” she reminded.

“Anong sinabi mo sa kanya, lola?!” I demanded desperately as my tears flowed.

“You two need space for a while. You are too young. Even that boy who just turned eighteen. It wasn’t a threat, but—”

“But an insult? Because they’re poor? Gano’n ba? Dahil mas may mayaman kang gusto para sa akin?! Dahil ang kagaya nila, ay walang maitutulong sa atin?!”

She remained composed, her eyes staring at me with no emotion as I broke down in front of her.

“Kaya… kaya nagtatanong ang ina niya sa akin… kung seryoso ba ako… dahil… may sinabi ka sa kanya. Dahil… lumalabas na… may fiance ako… at pumupunta punta roon para sa isang lalake!”

“Those words aren’t meant to pressure them, Ayeselle.”

“For you, lola! Pero sa kanila… baka mabigat na ang mga salitang ‘yon! You don’t know their struggle! Hindi mo alam kung… gaano ka gaspang ang kamay ng ina niya dahil kakalabada! Hinalikan ko ang kamay na ‘yon, Lola! Ang sugat sugat niyang kamay tanda ng kakatrabaho niya! At ang… paghihilot ni Trison sa paa niya gabi gabi… dahil sumasakit… kakalako. Kaya… paanong… kaya mo silang… maliitin dahil lamang… mayaman tayo at… kapos sila?”

Her shoulder loosened. She looked away while my body trembled. Ang sakit sakit sa puso.

“Her mother… treated me like a real family, which all of you failed!” I cried.

“I am so mad at you. I don’t think I would ever forgive you if you’re behind this! Dahil kung ginawa mo iyon dahil alam mo na hindi ito magugustuhan ni Mommy, sana inisip mo kung magugustuhan ko ba! You should have… included my feelings too… But this family always failed to prioritize my feelings because you are all blinded by the lights of our wealth!”

“Leave, Ayeselle. We’ll talk about this once you’re not hurt and grieving—”

“You are a monster, lola. This power has blinded you,” galit kong tingin sa kanya at tumalikod na.

Padabog kong isinara ang pinto at tumakbo palabas ng mansyon habang patuloy ang pagkahulog ng mga luha. I ran to the rancho to get a horse so I could get out of this hell of a place.

Kaya noong nasa kuwadra na, nakita ang mga gas na nakatambak sa gilid na nasa dalawang galloon, ang amba kong kumuha ng kabayo ay hindi ko naituloy.

I went back to the mansion and took a lighter as I ran back, and took the gasoline with me as I entered into the woods with my raging anger.

She has turned into a monster! Dahil sa mga punong ito na nagbigay ng yaman sa kanya kaya nakilala siya rito bilang bilyonaryong donya! So I’d rather burn these! This is the reason why she’s shameless about bilittleing the poor because she thinks so highly of herself! Kung wala ito, hindi na siya makakapagmataas pa dahil ibabagsak ko siya sa lupa! Babagsak siya sa impyerno! Kung saan nababagay ang mga kagaya niyang ginagamit ang kapangyarihan sa maling paraan!

I scattered all the gasoline on the ground, including the trees. Madilim na ang paningin ko hindi lamang dahil sa luha, kundi dahil sa walang pamantay na galit na nararamdaman para sa kanya. Para sa pamilyang ito! Para sa pagkamatay ng tanging babaeng tumrato sa akin ng maayos! Nawala siya dahil sa kanila!

After the two galloons were all empty, I stood with an angry and disappointed face as I looked at the lighter in my hand. Kinalabit ko iyon hanggang lumabas agad ang apoy nang bigla iyong mamatay dahil sa humalik na malamig na hangin sa akin.

The face of Trison’s mother with her warm smile flashed on my mind, and my anger slowly melted. Pumikit ako at natakpan ang aking mga kamay, nanghihinang napaluhod at humagulhol sa lupa.

Sobrang sakit ng aking nararamdaman dahil sa unang pagkakataon, napigilan ko ang balak ko habang nilalamon ng galit. I conquered it because of her. Because of the mother I’ve lost!

Umiling ako at bigong bigo. “P-Paano na po kami ni Trison, Ma?”

The cold wind blew against me. Amoy gas na ako dahil dikit na dikit sa lupang sinabuyan ko noon ngunit wala akong pakialam. My heart felt so heavy. I should have told her how much I value her as my second mother, how she means a lot to me, and how I longed for a mother like her.

I should have told her how her son saved me from harassment and how she welcomed me when I was lost and found a new home in her arms. I should have told her what an amazing woman she is… because maybe… those words might inspire her, console her, and heal her from her inner battles.

Ngunit hindi ko nasabi. Huli na. Hindi ko man lang… nayakap ng mahigpit… o naiparamdam kung gaano ako ka saya sa bahay niya sa tuwing naroon ako, dahil ganoon pala ang magkaroon ng masayang pamilya. My broken family was fixed by her warmth. But was shattered by the burning anger of power, greed, and selfishness.

Tumayo ako at bumalik sa kuwarto, hindi na itinuloy ang balak. Nakasalubong ko si Ashtraia sa hagdan ngunit deri-deritso na ang pasok ko sa kuwarto para mag-impake.

“Nasusunog ang kakahuyan, donya!” The aggresive shouts of the men I heard suddenly made me freeze minutes later.

Nasusunog? Mabilis kong tinakbo ang balkonahe at binuksan ang sliding door. My eyes widened when I saw the smoke coming from the forest I attempted to burn.

But I… didn’t…

Chapter 21

Trigger Warning:
Mention Of Suicide

Hope

The forest is burning. At habang pinapanood ko iyong lumalaki sa aking mga mata, halos mailing ako at magtaka. I didn’t… even light it. So how come… it’s burning.

I was so scared when we found out that Abrielle wasn’t in the mansion. She’s nowhere to be found. That’s why, when Arkaine said that she was in the woods, I felt like I killed her.

Hindi ko man lang siya nakausap simula noong naalitan namin. I haven’t checked on her. And I would never… ever recover if her body were burned into ashes because of the fire I attempted to start.

Nag-iiyakan kaming magpipinsan sa sala habang nagtatalo si Arkaine at si Ashtraia. To hear Ashtraia accusing me hurt. Because if she’s really dead, it reflects the monstrous blood in me, just like in my clan.

Kung naroon nga siya, at ang pagtapon ko ng gas doon na nagsimula ng sunog, na kahit hindi naman ako ang kumalabit ng apoy, pakiramdam ko ay wala akong pinagkaiba sa likod ng taong nagtulak sa mama ni Trison na magpakamatay.

I might be a murderer as well. Because I killed my own sister. I said mean things to her. I told her to get lost.

Pinalis ko ang luha nang bumukas ang pinto ng aking kuwarto at pumasok si Arkaine. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan si Ashtraia, ngunit sigurado akong naninigarilyo siya.

Nakaupo ako sa balkonahe at tinitingnan ang madilim na langit, ganoon din ang kakahuyan. She dragged the chair beside me and occupied it as she put her hands inside the varsity jacket she was wearing.

“Nagpaalam si Abrielle sa akin,” she whispered quietly.

Mabilis ang lingon ko sa kanya, naalalang siya nga pala ang nagsabi na nasa kakahuyan si Abrielle.

“She’s supposed to runaway,” she said, looking at me meaningfully.

My eyes widened. “R-Runaway?”

Tumango siya. “She told me that she’d wait in the woods.”

Mas lalong namilog ang mga mata ko. Pumikit ako at humikbi. Maglalayas siya at naroon siya dahil sinabi kong umalis siya. Dahil nag-away kami. Dahil sa akin.

“Then what if she really got burned!” halos nabasag ang namamaos kong tinig.

Hindi ko kayang mawalan ulit ng mahal sa buhay! At hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko ba kung sakaling… naroon nga siya at hindi nakaalis.

The whole Caraga was more invested in the fire in the forest that the police reported as arson attack than in the case of Trison’s mother. They were more invested in investigating the case instead of focusing on the one that needed their attention the most.

Yes, we are doing our best to find Abrielle’s body, but to neglect the case of Trison’s mother frustrates me so much.

Si Colonel Chavez ang isa sa nangungunang nag-iimbistiga, at pakiramdam ko, ang kaso ng ina ni Trison, napapabayaan na.

“Halatang halata naman kung anong nangyayari. Mga mayayaman pa,” I can hear the whispers in the hearing we attended for the case of who’s behind the arson attack in the forest.

They’re pointing fingers at Drystan, Draven’s brother, who was seen in the forest during the time when it was burning.

“Halata naman na gumagawa sila ng sariling ingay para ma-divert lang at mawala ang turo sa kanila, lalo na kay donya, doon sa pagkamatay ng biktimang nagbigti.”

“Ngayon na nasa kanila na ang atensyon, halos wala nang nakatutok sa kasong iyon. Napabayaan na ata. Lumalabas pa namang baka hindi raw suicide.”

“Eh sino pa ba ang nasa likod? Edi ang angkan nila. Gumagawa sila ngayon ng panibagong ingay. Baka nga sinunog nila ang kakahuyan, s-in-et up si Drystan, para mapagtakpan lamang ang isa nilang dumi.”

“Kawawang biktima. Lalo na pag mahirap, mas napagtutuunan lagi ng pansin ng mga pulis ‘yang kaso nila. Tingnan mo nga ang balita sa tv, halos ang dami daming gustong humawak na abogado. Palaging pinag-uusapan. Pero ‘yung nangyari sa nagbigti, kinalimutan agad. Hindi na binalikan.”

“S’yempre mahirap ang biktima. Pero kung mayaman ‘yan… baka tinutukan din ‘yan nang maayos. Wala kasing mahihita kaya uunahin ang mayayaman. At tingnan mo, hindi ‘yan makukulong. S’yempre mayaman… Sino bang aaresto sa kanila?”

Iyon ang usapan ng mga nasa kabilang panig at mariin ang titig sa amin. The devils in someone’s heaven. They felt like we were only created to test the faith of these poor people to see how far they’re going to endure the pain between the war of privilege and power when it comes to justice.

I would always glance to the side to check on Trison, who was sitting silently next to Draven. He looked so serious. The calmness he radiated vanished. Pakiramdam ko ay ibang tao na siya.

Hindi ko kayang dumalo sa bawat hearing. Hindi ko kayang makinig na ang kapalpakan ko, may sasalo.

“Is it true, Ayeselle?” my father’s voice thundered in front of me early in the morning.

Nakayuko ako. Maybe Ashtraia told his father about what happened, and his father told it to my father.

“You burned the forest?!” His voice boomed even more.

I wanted to shake my head and deny that it wasn’t me. But instead of saying that I didn’t light it, I slowly nodded, accepting that I was part of it.

My father punched the wall. “Your sister was there! Did you purposely burn it?! Did you want her dead?!”

Namilog ang mga mata ko ay mabilis na nag-angat ng tingin kay Daddy.

“Why would I even burn her, Dad?”

Tahimik si Mommy sa likuran niya, nakaupo sa kabilang sofa at seryoso ang mukha. She looked stressed because of what happened, but not stressed enough to mourn for it.

“Nakarating sa akin na nag-away kayo ng kapatid mo.”

My eyes watered even more.

“What did you tell her, huh?” galit ang titig ni Dad sa akin.

“I told her she should have been aborted by her mother. My life would have been so peaceful…” I whispered sarcastically.

His eyes widened. Lumapit si Daddy, ang galit ay umukit sa mukha. My mother immediately stood and pulled his arm.

“Don’t,” her controlled voice warned my father.

Mariin ang titig ni Mommy sa akin. “Ayeselle. Go to your room.”

“Nag-away kami dahil sinabihan kong ahas ang ina niya—”

“Ayeselle!” My mother cut me off when my father’s face darkened even more.

“We were fighting over your mistakes, Dad! We were fighting over the dirt you’ve made! Nagkasagutan kami! We mocked each other’s mom! Because I was so disappointed that every time I’d make a mistake, my mother would always point fingers at Abrielle! Instead of focusing on me, she created a competition against me and Abrielle!”

Namimilog ang mga mata ni Mommy, si Daddy, madilim ang ekspresyon at nakakuyom ang kamao.

“Coz maybe… just like what you did to Mom, you made this family a competition by cheating behind her back! That’s why her insecurities that she might not be good enough for you reflected on me! That she wanted the best version of myself because you betrayed her when she thought she was the better wife for you!”

My father’s shoulder loosened. The anger in his eyes was like a fire that was slowly losing its fuel.

“You made her feel that this home wasn’t just about her! That’s why she would always make me feel that this wasn’t just about me! It’s the reason why I wasn’t good enough for her as a daughter!” I cried.

Natahimik si Dad, naghahalo pa rin sa tingin ang galit sa akin, ngunit dahil sa mga sinabi ko, alam kong parang saksak iyon sa kanya.

My mother’s eyes turned bloodshot. She looked away and bowed her head a bit, while my father’s jaw was clenching.

“And yes, I attempted to burn the forest because I lost the mother I needed—the mother who showed me what real home felt like—the mother who celebrated my small win!”

My mother’s head turned to look at me. Her eyes turned glassy. She looked so hurt and disappointed.

“I was so sick of the comparison! So sick of being labeled as part of these rich people who mock the poor! So sick that I needed to maintain an image as a Ferrarin when our clan was nothing but trash!”

“Ayeselle!” my mother called, but this time, her voice was strained as she controlled the tears in her eyes.

“Gustong gusto niyo akong maging matalino! You wanted me to surpass Abrielle! So you could say that I was better than her! But what’s the purpose of this competition?! Para saan ba ito?! So you could tell the world that your daughter is smarter than the mistress’ daughter, is that it?!”

“So you won’t be looked down—”

“Look down, mom?! When were you the one who was looking down on me?!” I cut her off.

Natigilan siya. Si Dad, tahimik nang nakatingin sa malayo, ngunit sa seryoso niyang ekspresyon at sa sakit na umukit sa kanyang mukha, alam kong nakikinig siya.

“If Abrielle is indeed dead, then consider me dead as well,” I gritted my teeth and walked out.

Parang sasabog ang isip ko kakaisip kung buhay pa ba si Abrielle, o talagang nasama siya sa sunog. Lalo na’t sa nalaman ko, na maglalayas sana siya, marahil sa nasabi ko sa kanya noong nag-away kami, hindi ko alam kung… kaya ko bang lunukin ang katotohanang iyon.

It’s like I killed her. Just like what happened to Trison’s mother.

Diana:

I’m sorry. Ayaw muna ni Mommy na lumapit ako sa’yo. I’ll find a way so I could visit you there. She’ll confiscate my phone.

I sighed. Naiintindihan ko naman ang mommy niya lalo na’t kalat na kalat ngayon ang trahedya ng aming angkan. After the suicide of Trison’s mother, who was blamed to my grandma, a fire suddenly happened in our forest, and people were suspecting that it was our act just to divert attention from the real case of Trison’s mother. That we were trying to escape it by making another explosion that would distract the police and the other people’s attention from the suicide case.

The Colonel would always come and go in the mansion. Kaya sa tuwing nat-tyempuhan ko, agaran kong nilalapitan.

“Kumusta na po ‘yung kaso ni Mrs. Alcaraz?” I asked.

“Nino?” He looked confused.

“‘Yung nag…pakamatay.”

His face calmed down, as if he had finally remembered it.

“Ah… mukhang madidismiss at mahuhulog sa suicide. Walang ebidensyang makapagtuturo na may foul play. Maisasarado na ang kasong ‘yon.”

“P-Po?”

“Ipapasara na.”

“Nino?”

“Anak niya mismo. Parang hindi na kaya noong bata…”

Namilog ang mga mata ko.

“Pumayag po kayo?!”

He didn’t say anything, instead, he smiled flatly. Naglakad siya muli kaya mabilis akong humabol.

“Imbestigahan niyo po ulit!” I pleaded.

He only shook his head and walked to the police mobile. In desperation, I ran toward him.

“Kayo po ba ang may hawak sa kasong ito? I caused the fire—”

“Ayeselle,” Lola’s thunderous voice called me.

The Colonel looked at me confusingly. Natutop ang aking bibig at tiningnan siya ng malahulugan. I am willing to confess my sins just to solve this case so they can immediately focus on the case of Trison’s mother.

“Thank you for your help, Colonel Chavez,” si Lola na mukhang pinapaalis na ito.

The Colonel smiled at Lola and looked at me for the last time. Pinanood ko ang pagpasok nito at pag-andar hanggang sa unti-unti ring lumabas.

Hindi ko alam kung paano makakatulong para buksan ulit iyon at umusad ang imbestigasyon. Dumagdag pang umalis na si Arkaine patungo sa UK, wala na akong mapagsabihan ng gusto kong mangyari.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto niyang umalis agad. Ngunit sa nangyayari sa aming angkan, sa suspetsya kay Drystan, pakiramdam ko, isa iyon sa dahilan.

“Hintayin nalang po natin na umalis,” sabi ko sa driver sa sumunod na mga araw habang tanaw ko sa loob ng bintana ng kotse ang imahe ni Trison na nakatayo sa harap ng puntod ng kanyang ina.

I’ve waited for an hour, expecting him to leave. Ngunit kumulimlim na lamang ang langit, naroon pa rin si Trison, nakatayo at nakapamulsa, titig na titig sa lapida.

I wiped my tears while thinking how hard it was for him to accept that his mother was already gone. Lalo na’t sa mga sumunod na araw na binalikan ko, naroon ulit siya, nakahiga sa lapida at nakaunan ang ulo sa kanyang mga bisig.

With his rocking shoulder, I know that he’s crying.

Kaya noong may isang araw na wala siya roon, mabilis ang pagbaba ko, at ang paglalapag ng basket ng bulaklak.

I smiled weakly as my eyes turned glassy. Umupo ako at bumuntonghininga.

“Sorry po… Ngayon lang ako nakadalaw. Iniiwasan ko po si Trison…” pagod kong ngiti habang lumalabas ang luha sa aking pisngi.

“Hindi ko po makumbinsi ‘yung pulis na humawak sa kaso niyo kasi may mas malaki siyang kasong hinawakan. Hindi ko alam kung sinasamantala ba ni Lola na malihis ang atensyon at matakbuhan niya ang kaso niyo, pero sana… wala siyang kinalaman…”

Masikip ang aking dibdib habang iniisip ang bagay na iyon. They dismissed the case because they really thought it was a suicide case and there was no foul play behind it. At kahit si Trison, pumayag na rin ata.

Bumuntonghininga ako nang maalala ang sulat kamay niya.

“Hindi na po ba kayo pagod diyan? Kasi ako… pagod na rin po ako rito. Maganda po ba diyan? Sino pong nandiyan? Pwede rin po ba ako diyan… kung sakaling… napagod din ako?” I smiled weakly as my tears fell uncontrollably.

“Hindi ko ata kayang lunukin na Ferrarin ako. Parte ng pamilyang nasa likod ng pagkamatay niyo. At… may masahol din po akong nagawa. Dahil sa sunog na tinangka kong sinimulan… nadamay po ang kapatid ko. At may nakulong pong inosente.”

Mabigat ang aking loob. Mas namulat ako kung gaano ka saklap ang maging mahirap. The poor people were given less privilege when they were the ones who needed it the most. If money can bend the justice system, then it only shows how weak the less fortunate are.

Laging bumabagabag sa aking isip kung kumusta na ba si Trison. Kung ano na ang nararamdaman niya, lalo na’t sa naririnig ko kay Colonel Chavez, hindi na raw makausap nang matino, dahilan kung bakit hindi rin halos umuusad ang kaso.

Pero… sino bang nagdesisyon na isara na? Did really Trison decide to close it? Or… did Lola tell the Colonel to drop it and… just convince Trison? Lalo na’t noong mga nakaraang araw lang, ramdam ko ang desperasyon ni Colonel para mahawakan iyon at makatulong. Pero biglang isinuko niya nalang din bigla.

Was it because my grandma told him to do so?

Nag-iwan ako ng sulat sa puntod ng kanyang ina kasama ng bulaklak na naroon. Iyon na lamang ang kaya kong sabihin kay Trison, dahil ayaw ko na siyang harapin pa.

Hindi ko siya kayang lapitan hangga’t hindi napapatunayang walang kinalaman si Lola sa pagkamatay ng kanyang ina. I’d rather hate Trison forever. I’d rather remain at the top just so he couldn’t reach me or fate couldn’t find a way to collide with us again.

Noong umuwi ako sa Maynila, kahit ang mga salita ng therapist ay labas pasok lamang sa tainga ko. I would cry sometimes to release my frustrations about my family, the mistake I made in Caraga, and the love I lost.

“Abrielle is alive,” biglang anunsyo ni Mommy sa akin sa ilang buwan na lumipas na ikinagulat ko.

Abrielle… is alive.

Iyon ang nagtulak sa amin para bumalik ulit sa Caraga. Na halos takbuhin ko ang mansiyon makapasok lamang agad, hanggang nahanap ko siya, buhay na buhay at nakatayo sa sala habang tinitingnan ang frame ng aming pamilya.

“Abrielle!” I shouted.

Mabilis ang paglingon niya. Sunod sunod ang aking hikbi nang takbuhin ko ang distansya at yakapin siya.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” daing ko nang yakapin ko siya ng mahigpit habang nanginginig ang aking balikat.

She cried with me as she hugged me tighter. For the months that I’ve been battling demons, almost getting dragged into my own deathbed as I lose my hope to live, on that day, I found the life I thought I lost.

Isa sa mga hiling ko ang makita siyang muli, ang mayakap siya, at makausap ulit.

Our parents decided to take us to Manila immediately. Ayokong manatili sa Caraga, lalo na sa mansyon at makita si lola. Ayokong maalala ang sakit ng kahapon dahil parang nawawalan ako ng pag-asa.

When you are at your darkest point in life and all you want is a little bit of light to grasp, that’s when you realize that all you have… is yourself.

It taught me not to seek it from other people. That I am my own source of hope. And it’s enough.

Chapter 22

Future

“What if maging stripper nalang talaga ako ‘no?” Diana whined in front of me while she put the thick reviewer on the table.

“Magaling naman akong gumiling. ‘Tsaka kaya naman ako nag-aaral kasi gusto kong yumaman. Doon pa rin naman ang bagsak ko kung stripper ako. I’ll still earn money…”

Natawa ako dahil hindi ko alam kung seryoso ba siya o nagbibiro dahil sa tono ng pananalita niya.

“Eh bakit ba Accountancy ‘yung kinuha mong kurso?” taka kong tanong.

“Kasi akala ko matalino ako?! Excuse me, Valedictorian! Pero sinampal ako ng Accountancy na bobo pala ako?!” she whined more.

Ngumuso ako. Her face zoomed in when she leered at me as she leaned closer.

“Ngiting ngiti? Kumusta nga ulit ang minor subject? Bakit nga ulit kamuntik bumagsak?” she reminded.

Napawi ang ngiti ko. “Babawi ako next sem.”

She groaned again as I was eating my favorite snack, which was the toknengneng we bought outside.

Seryoso nang nagbasa basa si Diana sa harap ko. She’s a full scholar. Bukod doon, siya din ang kasama ko sa condo unit ko. Mommy seems so fond of her that she lets me stick to her. Maybe because she wanted me to be influenced by her. A smart student who excels in class.

Mom and I rarely talk. But I sense in her that she’s not pressuring me anymore. She would ask things like, how’s my day… or if I’m doing great in school. Hindi ko alam kung… dahil ba iyon sa nasabi ko tungkol sa ina ni Trison.

“Oo nga pala. Nagyaya si Martin ng house party. Pupunta ba tayo?” tanong ko nang maalala iyon.

“Martin? Castellano? As in your supposed fiance?”

I leered at her. “Hindi na nga.”

“And a party? When? Let’s come! Maganda din ‘yung may stress reliever tayo kahit papaano! Kasi parang kailangan ko ng lalake sa sobrang stress ko!”

I hushed her, but we were already laughing.
Noong lumipat ako sa Manila, nagpatuloy sa pagiging grade twelve at nakapagtapos na kasali sa honor students, doon ko nalaman na lumuwas din si Diana.

I was so excited to meet her, but at the same time, I was worried because my mother might interfere again just because she’s from Caraga. Or she came from a not-so-well-known family.

But I was wrong. She welcomed her. She likes Diana and she didn’t judge her.

Tanaw ang labas ng bintana sa sumunod kong subject, hindi ko maiwasang isipin ang naging buhay sa Caraga na ibang iba ngayon sa Maynila.

Diana:

Let’s meet! Asap!

I gathered my books after reading her text. Magkaiba kami ng kinuhang kurso. Ngunit dahil sa condo ko naman siya tumitira, ay halos sabay na kami araw-araw.

“Look!” nagmamadali niyang ibinalandra sa akin ang screen ng kanyang phone nang magkita kami.

Hindi pa nga ako nakakaupo, halos atat na siyang isampal sa akin iyon.

“May bago kana namang target?” kuryoso kong tanong habang kinukuha iyon.

“Tingnan mo dali!” she panicked while putting her things on the table.

I only chuckled as I took my seat and surveyed the familiar picture. Kumunot ang aking noo nang makitang pamilyar iyon na grupo ng mga boys, which were part of the frats in school, but also rumored that they’re… into drugs.

Hindi ko nga lang alam kung totoo ba lalo na’t ang mga estudyanteng iyon ay kabilang din kasi sa mayayamang angkan. Baka sinisiraan lang, o talagang nagdodroga nga.

Umiling agad ako at nag-ambang ibalik sa kanya ang kanyang phone.

“No. They’re good-looking, but they’re bad influences. Get another man! Ayoko. Mamili ka ng ibang lalandiin!” sabi ko kahit marahas niyang itinulak iyon pabalik sa akin.

“Hindi ‘yan! Look at them one by one!” she urged impatiently.

Ngumiwi ako at sinunod ang sinasabi niya, kuryoso kung may guwapo ba roon. Most of their faces were familiar. Nasa mga pito ata halos lahat, nakasakay sa likod ng picked-up truck. They’re all sporting the expensive vibe of elites, the sons of upper-class families in the business world. 

Tiningnan ko ang tatlong lalakeng nakaupo sa gilid at ngumingiti sa camera. Noong walang makitang kakaiba roon, lumipat agad ang tingin ko sa dulo at tiningnan ang lalakeng nakatayo at nag fuck you habang inilabas ang dila.

Lumipat ang tingin ko sa dalawa pang lalakeng nakatayo rin, ngunit nakasandal sa likod ng picked up. One of them was smoking, his brows were furrowed as he looked at the camera curiously. Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kanya hindi dahil gwapo siya… kundi dahil… pamilyar siya.

My heart started pounding rapidly. Halos i zoom-in ko ang mukha at nakumpirma ang hinala ko. His undercut hair might make him look like a badboy with a cigarette he’s holding, but it won’t hide the face of the man I tried to forget for the past few years!

“Right?! It’s him! And I stalked it. They call him Wallace! As in Trison’s second name!” she hissed aggresively.

Suminghap ako. Which means… this is really him?

“And he’s in Russel’s circles! Those who were rumored to be involved in drugs! What the fuck?”

Mas lalong kumalabog ang dibdib ko. Paanong… bakit… Huh?

She manipulated her phone. Sumilip ako lalo na’t nagpunta siya sa Facebook app para lamang mas makumpirma namin kung siya ba talaga.

Noong mahanap ang facebook ng isa sa kanila, agaran naming tiningnan at nakita nga roon ang latest upload na may caption na ‘Getting high, aren’t we?’

“Siya talaga, hindi ba?” kumbinsi niya.

Marami ang pictures na ‘yon. Ang unang picture ay iyong ipinakita ni Diana. At ang sumunod ay ang paglagay niya ng sigarilyo sa labi. Na ang sumunod, ay pagsisindi na noon. At ang huling picture, may usok na sa kanyang mukha habang nakangisi siya sa kaibigang katabi niya at tila ba may sinabi dahil humalakhak.

Oh… damn it. This is really him!

“Nasa Maynila ‘di ba siya?! And ew… he’s friends with those boys who are into drugs!”

“Don’t judge him yet!” I hissed.

“Oh right… let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. But hell, alam mo ba ang mas nalaman ko?!”

Mukhang mas mabilis siyang nakapagstalk sa huh? Tumingin muna ako sa paligid, sa mga estudyanteng dumadaan sa aming kinauupuan.

“What? That he’s really doing drugs?” bulong ko.

“No! And prepare your heart. This is heartbreaking…”

Kinabahan agad ako. Ayokong marinig kung ano man iyon… kung tungkol sa ina niya, na nagkakaganyan siya dahil doon.

“He’s linked to Patricia Miller! Ka block mate mo!”

Medyo kumalma ako na wala siyang ganoong balita, ngunit hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman.

“Baka naman rumor lang?” I tried to sound uninterested and put my bag on the table.

“Rumor?! May video na naghahalikan?! Rumor?!” Halos silipin niya ang ekspresyon ko.

My shoulder loosened. Lumunok ako at hindi alam ang mararamdaman.

“Not that I didn’t make out with multiple boys since I got here in Manila? That’s normal since he’s maybe taken with her?” I chuckled.

“Hindi eh! That’s not my point, Ayeselle! He’s linked to multiple girls! Not just Patricia! He’s smoking! Drinking! Flirting! And he’s… what… doing drugs too?! Hindi ‘yan ang nakilala nating Trison!”

“Maybe it’s his new personality as Wallace?” tawa ko kahit namumukol na sa aking lalamunan ang pait.

“And wait… may recent post ‘yung kaibigan nila. There’s a house party. Martin Castellano’s pad. Your fiance—”

“I told you he’s not.” Putol ko.

“Your Mom said he’s supposed to be your fiance if you didn’t reject it? If nothing happened in Caraga? Pero… ang main point ko rito, contact Martin, and we’ll hit his place for tonight to confirm if Trison is really gone wild!”

Tinawagan ko nga si Martin para lang makapunta kami. And without hesitation, he invited me to come over that night!

He has his own penthouse, where the party was held. Malakas ang tugtog noong makarating na kami at may naliligong mga nakabikini na girls, including boys who were topless too.

Hinila ako ni Diana habang gumagala ang tingin niya sa paligid, halatang hinahanap ang grupo nila Russell kagaya ko na iyon din ang sadya.

“Oh shit… They’re really here,” si Diana nang may tinitingnan na sa nakapark na mga sasakyan.

My heart pounded. I wasn’t ready to see it.  But I strongly roamed my eyes around his circle, trying to find the familiar man from the past.

“Wala siya… Baka naglibot libot?” ani Diana na determinadong mahanap si Trison.

“Baka hindi sumama? Malay mo good boy siya at ayaw sa party?” halakhak ko, pilit pinapagaan ang loob.

“Good boy? Naninigarilyo,” she leered at me. “At may video ako noong kissing scene nila ni Patricia. Baka gusto mong panoorin.” She raised her brow more.

Hindi ko kayang paniwalaan. At sumasakit ang dibdib ko dahil alam ko kung bakit siya nagkakaganito. It’s probably because of his mother. And the justice that he didn’t get.

“Ayeselle,” ang pamilyar na tinig ni Martin.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Diana gestured that she was going to roam around, so I nodded. Hinawakan ni Martin ang siko ko at iginiya ako sa loob ng bahay.

Mas malakas doon ang tugtog at may mga sumasayaw pa sa pamilyar na tugtog na Don’t Tell Em ni Jeremiah. I can smell the booze and something sweet. Malamig ang loob habang dim at naglalaro ang neon sa paligid.

“Have you eaten?” tanong niya at dinala ako sa harap ng nakahilerang pagkain kasama ang mga hard drinks.

Ang tingin ko ay aksidenteng napunta sa mga sumasayaw. And there… the familiar man in the past who’s behind the woman grinding against him as he’s biting his stretching lips for a smirk. The sensual chorus of the song matches their movement. How he wrapped his arm around her stomach as he let her grind against his crotch. Nasa tainga ng babae ang kanyang mukha habang may binubulong siya roon at nagpapangiti lalo sa babae.

And guess what? All of the buttons on his shirt were now opened. Sa pulang pantal sa leeg niya, sa magulo niyang buhok, at sa senswal na ngisi niya, halos hindi ko siya makilala.

“You know what? Why don’t we dance?” halos wala sa sarili ko na iyong sinabi kay Martin nang manatili ang tingin ko roon at hinila siya sa dance floor.

“What?” Martin chuckled behind me as he let me pull him to the dance floor.

Sumiksik kami roon at tumigil sa mismong gilid lamang nila Trison. I was watching them as I put my hands around Martin’s nape, who’s now crouching and chuckling.

“Hmm… what’s up?” bulong ni Martin sa akin, tila ba nababasa agad na may naglalaro sa isip ko.

Tiningnan ko siya. I pulled on his nape.

“Let’s kiss.”

Martin’s brow shot up. Of course, he would be game for it. Lalo na’t yumuko na siya, nakangising itinagilid ang ulo at hinayaang magtama ang mga labi namin.

My eyes went to the side as I watched Trison, whose smile had now vanished from his lips. His eyes found my gaze. I grazed my finger on Martin’s hair as I watched Trison intensely.

Trison flipped the girl, pushed her jaw up as he crouched, and shoved his tongue in her mouth. His eyes remained on me as he watched me kiss her too.

Tumigil ako sa paghalik kay Martin na ngayon ay bumaba agad ang labi sa aking panga at patungo na sa aking leeg. I glanced at Trison, who’s now pulling the girl out of the dance floor and out of the living room.

Bahagya kong itinulak si Martin na medyo natawa pa.

“Damn user.” He shook his head and licked his lower lip.

“Lalabas lang ako,” paalam ko.

“Hmm… You don’t want me there? Maybe they’re kissing again? I mean… we could make out next to them while you watch them?” nanunuya niyang halakhak.

Nailing ako kay Martin at naglakad na palabas. Hinanap ko sila sa pool, pero mukhang wala doon. Maybe nasa parking space?

Nakita ko ang grupo niya na nasa likod pa rin ng picked-up truck at doon pa nagsasayawan habang may mga girls din ang nakasampa.

Naglakad lakad ako. I am eager to find him this night. Wala akong pakialam kung madisturbo ko siya sa kung ano man ang ginagawa nila ng babaeng iyon! O kahit nakapatong na siya! I need to talk to him!

“Ferrarin.” I heard his familiar voice, which made me stop.

Tumigil ako at lumingon. Agaran kong nakita si Trison na nakaupo sa ulo ng isang kotse habang nagsisindi na ng sigarilyong nakaipit sa labi niya.

The buttons of his shirt were still fully opened. With his massive body, I could tell that he’s been working out lately. Aside from that, he made some drastic changes to his look, and I couldn’t almost recognize that he was once that… Trison… who radiates a good boy aura.

He’s gone feral, like a beast who’s finally out in the wild after being chained for so long. Lalo na’t sa tindig niya ngayon, parang napakadelikado niya. His eyes were so intense that even his movements were rough.

Galit akong naglakad patungo sa kanya, hinila ang lighter sa kanyang kamay, at nang tumingin siya sa akin ay mabilis ko siyang sinampal.

The cigarette in between his lips dropped as his face remained on the side. He licked his lower lip and slowly looked at me.

“Anong ginagawa mo sa buhay mo?” matigas kong tanong.

He rested his hands at the back as his body reclined, his legs parting while the buttons of his shirt showed the cracks on his stomach and his chest.

“Hindi ito ang pangarap ng ina mo sa’yo,” giit ko at mariin siyang tinitigan.

Kinuha niya ang pakete ng sigarilyo sa bulsa at muling naglagay ng isang sigarilyo.

He tried to light it, but this time I took his lighter from his hand. At dahil nakatayo na ako sa nakaparte niyang mga hita para lang maabot din ang sigarilyo sa kanyang labi, bigla niya akong inipit doon.

“Isang kuha pa…” banta niya sa namamaos na tinig.

I glared at him. “You are ruining your life.”

Pumikit si Trison at humalakhak.

“Ain’t your life…” bulong niya sabay angat ng kilay.

Nagtagis ang aking bagang at irita siyang itinulak. Nakangisi siyang napasandal ulit sa likuran, itinukod agad ang mga kamay para hindi tuluyang mahiga sa tulak ko.

“Akala ko ba matalino ka, Trison? Anong mangyayari kung sirain mo ang buhay mo?”

“Huwag mong pakialaman ang buhay ko,” seryoso niyang sabi.

“Where are your dreams, huh? Hindi ito ang gusto ng ina mo!” I gritted my teeth.

He scoffed and shook his head.

“Nakita mo lang akong nakikipaghalikan… pakiramdam mo sinisira ko na ang buhay ko. Nakikipaghalikan ka rin. Nandito ka rin. Sinisira mo rin ba ang buhay mo?” he chuckled tauntingly.

My jaw clenched. “Wala akong pakialam sa hinahalikan mo.”

His brow shot up as he leaned closer, his face leveled mine.

“Ah… Ako pa rin ba?” he asked as the insult was dripping in his voice, and I felt like he was mocking me.

Isang insulto na ngayon sa kanya kung kahit ngayon… gusto ko pa rin siya. Or maybe, after what happened, he’s blaming my grandma. He’s blaming my family for the justice he didn’t get.

My eyes drifted to his chest. May kung ano roon na kumuha ng atensyon ko. I slowly parted his shirt to the side to see his chest clearly. Hinuli niya ang pulso ko, napawi na ang ngiti at tila ba natatakot na may madiskubre ako roon.

There’s a tattoo on his chest, resting on the position of his heart. It’s someone’s eyes… those familiar eyes…

Lumunok ako. Sumeryoso na ang tingin ni Trison sa akin.

“Anong nangyayari?” I asked in a serious manner.

Binasa niya ang pang-ibabang labi at pinasadahan ng haplos ang buhok.

“Anong ginagawa mo sa buhay mo?” ulit ko sa namamaos na tinig, ngayon ay halos malambot na.

“Kailangan ko ‘to para makalimot.” He looked away.

“Makalimot? Saan, Trison?! Hindi mo kailangang sirain ang buhay mo para makalimot! You are trying to ruin—”

“I am trying to forget you!” he cut me off angrily.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. “To forget? When you tattooed my eyes?!”

His jaw clenched. Umalis siya sa pagkakaupo sa kotse at naglakad palayo. Sinundan ko siya.

“Kung gusto mong makalimot sa akin, bakit mo ako nilagay sa katawan mo huh?!”

Nailing siya habang nasusulyapan ko ang paggalaw ng kanyang panga ng paulit ulit, ganoon na rin ang dilim sa kanyang mukha.

“At bakit?! Sinong may sabing lalapitan kita?! You don’t need to ruin yourself just to forget me!” I shouted.

Tumigil siya kaya halos mabangga ako sa dibdib niya nang biglaan siyang humarap sa akin.

“Hindi ko kailangan ngayon ng magpapaalala sa akin kung ano ang mabuti at masama. Hindi kita kailangan,” giit niya na galit na boses.

My eyes immediately watered, but my anger was just so great that I wanted to equal those words.

“Hindi rin kita kailangan. At ilalagay ko ang sarili ko sa lugar kung saan hindi mo ako maaabot.”

Trison smirked at me. “Gawin mo. Dahil wala akong planong abutin ka.”

I scoffed. “Of course! Why would I want a man like you! A man who smokes! A man who flirts with multiple women! A man who’s friends with bad influence! Hindi na ikaw ang nagustuhan ko! And the people like you would just end up in prison! I have no future if I end up with a boy like you!”

Chapter 23

Witness

He barked a laugh, but the anger mingled in it, and if I were not a woman, he would have already slammed me on the ground so hard.

I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for being friends with those rumored to have drug issues, but the changes I’ve seen in him and the obvious flirting with the girl who wasn’t Patricia fuel something in me.

“And you think I like girls like you? Hindi ako uhaw sa babae,” giit niya.

Tumawa ako. “Ah… but you have a kissing video circulating around the internet of you kissing Patricia, and now another girl is grinding at you! Wow… Hindi ka nga uhaw, Wallace,” I smirked flatly, highlighting his famous name now.

Halos umukit ang dilim ng gabi sa kanyang ekspresyon. Nagpapaligsahan ang matalim naming tingin sa isa’t isa, kapwa galit.

“Dami mong alam ah? Let me remind you that I am not your boyfriend. Bata pa tayo noon. We were teenagers.”

“Oo nga! I was just seventeen! At ano ngayon kung hindi kita boyfriend! I am not jealous! Ikaw ang hindi makalimot sa ating dalawa that you were seen kissing multiple girls just to forget me. Who’s crushing on who now, huh?” I taunted.

His cheek bubbled as I saw a glimpse of his tongue pushing on the side of his mouth while he put his hands on the side of his waist. His expression looked so disappointed and pissed.

“Bumalik kana sa lalake mo at tigilan mo ang pangingialam sa buhay ko,” he ordered in his thick voice.

“I cannot believe I once had feelings for you if you will stoop this low.” I gritted my teeth. “Go back to your girls too, and may you find comfort in their thighs…”

Ngumisi lamang si Trison, ngunit kita ko kung gaano iyon ka hilaw. Nailing siya at tumalikod na, desperado ang paglalakad paalis.

Sa iritasyon at sarkastiko kong ipinakitang ngiti, tumalikod din ako, mararahas ang hakbang palayo dala ang aking galit, ngunit dahan dahan iyong bumagal, hanggang sa tumigil ako.

Bumaba ang aking balikat. Ang galit na yumakap sa akin, unti-unti ring nawala nang mapalitan ng pangungulila. I was longing for his presence, for his warmth, and for the home that I once had before it abandoned me.

Lumingon ako at natagpuan ang likod niyang tuloy tuloy ang lakad palayo. I could sense how desperate he wanted to get away from me; even looking back was the last thing on his mind.

“Trison…” I called achingly.

Kung lilingon siya… baka sa gitna ng dilim, iyon ang makita kong liwanag para lapitan siya. Kahit daplis lang na tingin, kahit tumigil lamang siya, para lang maabutan ko siya, at makita ko na sana parehas na rin kami ng nararamdaman sa isa’t isa.

Ngunit hindi siya tumigil. Kahit lingon, kahit saglit lang sana. Hindi. He continued walking.

His back was now shadowed by my tears. Hindi naman dapat ito masakit eh. Desisyon ko ito. Ang pagtalikod sa kanya ay parte ng ikakabuti naming dalawa. But why does it hurt?

Umugat ang paa ko sa kinatatayuan, pinipigilan ang sarili na takbuhin ang distansya naming dalawa at lumuhod na sana, kahit ako nalang, kahit sapat na ako bilang liwanag niya sa dilim na ito. Na sana, maalala niyang meron pa ako.

Na pamilya rin ako. Na nandito pa ako.

But maybe, he despises me because I didn’t even try my best to come near him while he was grieving. I didn’t comfort him. I immediately distanced myself as he faced everything. Alone.

Kung… sinubukan ko bang manatili sa kanyang tabi noon, kahit sumakit ang kamay niya kakatulak sa akin, mapapagod kaya siya at hahayaan akong manatili? Kung pinili ko ba siyang ipaglaban, kaysa ang tumayo sa ipinaglalaban ng aking pamilya sa oras na iyon, at sinamahan siya, mababago ko ba ang naging takbo ng buhay niya ngayon?

The realization was like raining arrows as it continuously rained over me as my tears fell. Marahas ang pag-angat baba ng balikat ko, halos takpan ang bibig sa nanginginig kong kamay para lang huwag makarating sa kanya ang mga hikbi ko, kahit alam kong malabo iyon, dahil patuloy siyang lumalayo, patuloy na naglalalakad paalis, desperadong tumakas, tila ba isa lamang ako sa kailangan niyang takasan.

I bowed my head and cried achingly. I feel so disappointed, hurt, and betrayed. To see his new version, the reflection of the scar from the past, hurts me. Because I know we both have that same scar.

Humingos ako at halos idasal na sana, maging maganda ang usad ng buhay niya. I don’t want him to disappoint his mother. I don’t want him to ruin himself.

Huminga ako nang malalim at binawi ang tingin saka rin nagpatuloy maglakad, hindi na lumingon pa. If he’s determined to run away from me, then I should walk away from him, even though my letters meant the opposite.

Lalo na’t kung nabasa niya man iyon, alam ko na alam niya ang totoong nasa isip ko, ang totoong nasa puso ko. Ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, pinili niyang tumalikod. Pinili niyang manatili kaming malayo sa isa’t isa.

Hindi ko na idinetalye pa kay Diana ang lahat ng usapan namin. I just told her we talked, but that’s it. At ang babaeng ito, bigla na lang ding nawala.

Sa mga sumunod na araw, umuukit na ata sa isip ko ang bago niyang pagkatao. I would sometimes find myself searching the account that his friends would tag him. He’s not really posting. Most of his newsfeeds were only tags on photos he was in. At talagang ang sakit sa mata na ang mga kasama niya, hindi magaganda ang record.

“Imagine it if he didn’t stop it. He might be influenced by them. Worse, magulat nalang tayo na sindikato na pala siya? Drug lord? Pinaka most wanted sa syudad?” Diana said when she saw me looking at the group picture again.

Nasa school kami, siya na nagbabasa ng libro, ngunit ako, nakatunganga sa picture.

“At nag-aaral ba siya? Parang hindi eh. Kaso paano siya nakarating dito? Tumanggap ng scholarship? Sinong tumulong sa kanya? Kung ganoon man, bakit parang pariwara siya? Hindi ba ‘yon nakakaturn off sa taong tumulong sa kanya? Unless he tricked that person?”

Bumuntonghininga ako at pinatay ang screen ng aking phone saka iyon itinaob sa lamesa at binuklat ang libro.

“Imagine it, Ayeselle. He probably received a scholarship? Or someone help him out to come here?”

Nagkibit ako. “Maybe.”

“Hmm… Parang gusto ko tuloy landiin ang isa sa kaibigan no’n para makakalap tayo ng impormasyon.”

Mabilis ko siyang nilingon at inilingan. “Scholar ka, Diana. Baka dahil pa diyan, matanggalan ka. Mainit pa naman lagi ang mga pangalan nila.”

She sighed out of frustration because we both knew that we had created a barrier just to separate us from those bad influences.

It wasn’t the first time I saw him flirt shamelessly. Lalo na’t noong nag Club kami ni Diana para icelebrate ang kakatapos lamang na madugong semester, nalaman pa naming kapwa kami nakapasok sa dean’s lister, we decided to let ourselves indulge in alcohol at least.

“Ayan na naman,” Diana whispered, giving me an idea of who’s there.

And Trison, sitting on the high chair in front of the bartender while he’s talking to a girl while his hand is resting on the side of her waist, wasn’t new to me.

“Grabe. Elite din ang nasusungkit niya. Guwapo lang naman siya. Pero aanhin mo ‘yan ‘di ba kung pangit ang record niya? Thank God I am not that blind when it comes to handsome men!”

Nagtagal ang tingin ko roon habang hinihila ako ni Diana sa isang sofa at patuloy ang lintanya niya. The dimness of the club didn’t even hide my gaze fully enough that he still found it.

He was saying something to the girl while he locked eyes with me. Binawi ko ang tingin at nangingiting tiningnan si Diana, kahit na sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, naaalala ko ang nakaraan naming dalawa.

We have never been in a relationship. But I felt like he was my ex, and I am still not over him. Worse, he’s my boyfriend, and I caught him right now cheating behind my back because it hurts.

Sa gilid ng aking mga mata, nakatayo na sa pagitan ng kanyang nakaparteng mga hita ang babae at hinahalikan na siya. I tried to look at them, as Trison’s eyes looked at me as well, with less emotion, and an unreadable expression.

He became the worst version of himself. He was doing things that were opposite to what he had promised his mother.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi iyon sapat para masaktan ako. Lalo na’t alam ko, walang wala ito noong panahong nakita ko siyang nadurog. Walang wala ito sa sakit na naramdaman ko noon.

And I know that it is better for the both of us to stay away from each other. If seeing me would only remind him of the scar of the life he lost, then I would do him a favor as I walked out of his life.

But every time I’d see him kissing someone else, I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d think of us too.

“Ayos lang sa’yo ang gano’n?” tanong ni Diana nang humiga na kaming dalawa nang umuwi rin.

Lasing ako kaya siguro noong tinanong niya ako, idagdag pang bumabagabag sa isip ko, uminit agad ang sulok ng aking mga mata habang pumipikit.

“Hindi naman siya in love,” sabi ko nang maalala ang mga mata niyang wala man lang buhay.

It’s like he’s flirting just to kill some boredom, or he’s just plainly bored. O baka… ganoon nga, desperado siyang may kalimutan sa nakaraan.

“Kasi hindi kasing genuine noong sa inyo noon?” she pointed out.

Hindi ako makasagot. Ours were wholesome and part of our high school lives. It’s like a slow-burn story, a fresh sunrise in the morning, the taste of the first sip of coffee, and the smell of the garden.

Unlike himself now. I can see the menace in him. He’s taking girls like drugs. Something he only needed to distract him. An addiction that could ruin his life.

“Pero… ayos lang sa’yo?” Diana asked more.

“Ayos ba ‘yon? Gustong gusto ko siya noon…” namamaos kong pag-amin.

“Ayaw mo ba siyang kausapin ulit?”

Umiling ako at humingos. Ang kirot ng puso ko.

“Para ano? Maging kami? Ang labo na no’n. Alam kong galit siya sa akin, Diana. Alam kong… sinisisi niya rin si lola. Lalo na’t nagkasagutan kami noong nasa party ni Martin. At narinig ko ang mga hinaing niya. Desperado siyang itulak ako palabas sa buhay niya…” Halos pumikit ako nang maramdaman ang pag-agos ng mga luha.

Pinalis ko iyon lalo na’t parehas lang naman kaming dalawa. I have been flirting lately. I made out with different boys too. Ngunit mahirap piliting kailangan kong makalimot agad sa amin dahil kung nanatili ako roon, alam kong mas masasaktan lamang ako higit pa sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

This pain wasn’t coming from the girls he associated himself with, but from the life he has built so passionately in the past with clear direction. That’s why when it crumbled, as he couldn’t build it the way it should be, he lost himself in the middle of trying to find the missing pieces.

He’s still grieving, and it reflects on how he seems so lost, unlike when his mother was alive, when his only goal was to study since it was his mother’s dream. Ngayong wala na ang ina, alam kong nahihirapan din siya.

At ang sakit dahil sa kabila ng mga nakikita ko, ako ang mas nakakaintindi kung bakit ganoon siya. Ako ang naroon noong durog na durog siya. Ako ang umakay sa kanya noong mawala ang ina niya.

Mahal na mahal niya ang ina niya. Kaya hindi ko alam kung paano siya ngayon magpapatuloy ngayong nawala ito.

“Ang sakit kasi… pakiramdam ko… dalawang tao sa buhay ko ang nawala ko. Ang ina ni Trison… at ang dating T-Trison…” My cry mingled with my words, and I trembled while trying to confess it.

Nangislap ang mga mata ni Diana sa dilim na noong pinalis niya iyon, alam kong nahawa siya sa iyak ko.

“I lost him… Diana… I lost the genuine love I had… I lost my first love…” Halos takpan ko ang aking bibig nang manginig ako sa iyak.

“I lost the gentle Trison I love. The Trison who celebrated my small wins. The Trison who protected me. I lost him…” nasusugat na ang tinig kong namamaos ngunit ang sakit sakit na hindi ko yata kayang kimkimin.

Diana reached for my cheek as she wiped my tears, but they fell continuously.

“And I want him back so much… but I couldn’t… I couldn’t even pull him. I couldn’t touch him. I cannot reach him anymore.”

“Ang tapang tapang kong sabihin sa kanya na kaya kong ilagay ang sarili ko sa itaas, pero sa likod ng isip ko, nananalangin ako…na mahanap ko siya roon. Na kaya ko siyang hilain paakyat, kahit pakiramdam ko…ako ang mahihila niya pababa…at handa akong mabasag kasama niya. Handa akong manatili sa dilim kasama niya, Diana. Kung naroon siya… yayakapin ko siya. At nakakatakot dahil handa akong mawasak sa kamay niya.” Humikbi ako lalo.

Diana’s tears sparkled, as did the pain in her eyes, while she cried with me. Maybe because we were both drunk, but she knows that it was the pain I tried to bury at the back of my mind that’s now coming to the surface.

“G-Gusto kong manatili sa tabi niya. Gustong gusto ko siyang habulin, abutin, at angkinin. Kaso… paano kung, isa pala ako sa nagpapabigat sa kanya? Isa ako sa rason kung bakit madilim ang buhay niya? At natatakot akong marinig iyon mismo sa bibig niya. Na sinisisi niya ako…”

Diana seemed so emotional that she hugged me. Kahit na hindi naman siya ganito, sa sakit ng nararamdaman ko, sa iyak ko, siguro ay iyon na ang nakita niyang paraan para lang mapatahan ako.

Nakatulugan ko ang pag-iyak at bumungad ang namamagang mga mata. And worse, as soon as I got out of my room, I saw my mother sitting comfortably on the sofa while Diana was placing the tea in front of her.

“Ayeselle,” makahulugang ngiti ni Diana. “See, Tita? Namumugto ang mga mata kasi may pinanood kaming movie kagabi…” she continued on their topic.

Mommy glanced at me strictly. Diana is so used to her fierce demeanor that she’s not intimidated by her anymore. Sa ilang beses niya na rin kasing nakita si Mommy, tila ba nasanay na siya.

Umupo ako sa sofa lalo na’t mukhang may sasabihin siyang importante kaya nandito siya. Mommy placed the envelope on the table and looked at me meaningfully.

Kumunot ang noo ko at kinuha iyon. I opened it as she sighed.

“I don’t know what got into your mind, but if you wanted it, then go ahead and pursue it.”

Unti-unting namilog ang mga mata ko nang contract iyon sa isang international agency, and they’re recruiting me as one of their models.

“I… passed the interview?” I gasped.

Mommy nodded. Namilog ang mga mata ni Diana. Sa sobrang tuwa ko, napatayo ako lalo na’t tumili si Diana at sabay kaming tumalon sa harap ni Mommy.

I was actually busy pursuing it when I got here in Manila. Gusto ko kasing huwag manatili rito nang matagal lalo na’t alam kong may pagkakataon talagang makikita ko si Trison. And I promised him I’d put myself on top.

Tumikhim si Mommy at sinimsim ang kanyang tsaa. Medyo kumalma ako, ganoon din si Diana na inayos ang damit, ngunit malawak ang ngisi.

“You too, Diana. You might like living outside the country,” Mommy suggested.

“Ay walang budget, Tita. Pero pag nakapagtapos ako, nakapagtrabaho, baka maisipan ko rin… Kaso wala masyado sa isip ko ang pagmomodelo. Pero ako ang manager ni Ayeselle, kung sakali!” Tumingin siya sa akin kaya natawa kaming dalawa.

“Focus on your goals. You two will graduate next year,” Mommy reminded.

Medyo napawi ang ngiti ko nang maalalang isang taon ang agwat ni Trison sa akin. If he continued his study, which means he’s graduating this year. But did he really continue to go to school? Or he’s just on the street, doing illegal activities and flirting with girls continuously.

Ang usapan namin noon, na sana kung kolehiyo na ako, ay magiging boyfriend ko siya. But I didn’t know I’d witness him kissing other girls… instead of kissing me.

Chapter 24

Ease

“Ayeselle!” ang pamilyar na mga kaklase ni Diana ang biglang nagkumpulan sa harapan ko.

“Yes?” kuryoso kong tanong, lalo na’t sa mga mukha nila, para bang problemado sila.

“Nagkakausap ba kayo ni Diana?” they asked in chorus.

Kunot-noo akong tumango. “Oo naman. We’re roommates.”

“Pakisabi naman sa kanya na pumasok siya! One week na siyang absent! Ang rami raming gagawin! Kung hindi siya magpapakita, tatanggalin namin siya sa grupo!”

“Naaantala kami dahil sa kanya! Dahil sa parte niya! Kaya kung hindi pa rin siya magpapakita bukas, talagang mapipilitan na kaming alisin siya!”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. Oo at may mga araw na hindi kami nagkakasabay umuwi, o nagkakasabay pumunta sa school, pero nagigising naman ako na nasa kama na siya.

At halos isang linggo na siyang pumapasok?

I confirmed that it wasn’t just her minor subjects, and she’s also not attending her major subjects. Kung ganoon… ano ‘yung alibi niya na busy siya dahil maraming reports at activities?

Ako:

Where are you?

Diana:

I still have my class. Why?

To confirm it, I went to her subject for that hour. Lakas loob akong dumaan sa classroom at nakita sa bukas na pinto ang mga estudyante roon. And there, her seat is empty!

She’s… lying.

What’s happening? We’re in our fourth year of college. Graduating! Anong nangyayari sa kanya?

Ako:

What subject? Wala ka sa classroom

She didn’t reply anymore. I tried to wait for her at our usual place so we could at least go home together.

Ako:

Let’s go home together.

Ako:

Nasa usual spot ako.

The place was slowly getting dark. Kanina pa dapat 5PM natapos ang klase niya ngayong Biyernes. Pero 7PM na, wala pa rin siya.

Noong magbeep ang aking phone, napatayo ako nang makita ang text niya.

Diana:

I’m sorry and thank you for being a good friend.

Mabilis ang takbo ko sa parking lot, halos natatarantang ipasok ang susi ng aking kotse, at pinaharurot iyon pauwi sa condo.

My heart was pounding so hard. Hindi ko alam pero masama ang kutob ko. Lalo na noong dumating ako sa unit at nagkukumahog akong pumasok sa kuwarto, at nakitang wala na ang mga gamit niya, nanghina ako.

I immediately clicked her number and tried to call her, but it seems like she turned off her phone, and worst of all, she changed her number.

“What’s happening, Diana?”

May mga c-in-ontact ako para sabihin sa akin kung nasaan siya. I informed her classmates to message me if they saw her.

Hindi ko na ata mabilang ang palakad lakad ko sa loob ng aking unit. Sa halos tatlong oras na naghihintay ng may magreply, nang may magsend sa akin ng picture niya, nalaglag ang panga ko.

I immediately went to the place to confirm if she was there, and I really saw her.

“Hello, Ma’am. What’s your order—” Natigilan siya at kahit ang ngiti ay napawi nang mag-angat ako ng tingin.

“Ayeselle. Bakit ka nandito?” Her eyes widened.

“Hihintayin kita hanggang matapos ang shift mo,” seryoso kong sabi.

I saw how her jaw clenched a bit. Umalis siya sa harapan ko, ngunit noong bumalik ay naglapag na ng frappe at slice ng cheesecake sa aking harap.

I was bracing for a bad news while watching her work. Hindi ako makapaniwala na talagang nagtatrabaho siya at wala man lang akong alam sa bagay na ito. Is this the reason she would come home late? But what’s wrong with this? Anong ikinakahiya niya rito para itago ito sa akin?

“Malapit lang ang apartment ko. Doon na tayo mag-usap,” aniya sa seryosong tinig.

She also got herself her own place? I mean… That’s fine with me. If she wanted her personal space, I would let her. Pero she’s a scholar. Alam kong malaking kawalan sa allowance niya kung may bayarin pa siyang ganito. My place is convenient for her!

Akala ko iyon lang ang magiging alalahanin ko, ngunit nang dumating kami sa apartment niya, sa sobrang liit noon, halos manlumo ako. The smell wasn’t nice. I could feel that she got the place for a cheap price. I almost wanted to shout when I saw a cockroach crawling on the floor. Noong nawala iyon, parehas naman kaming kumalma.

“Anong nangyayari, Diana?” tanong ko nang lingunin siya.

She put her things on the floor. Nagtungo siya sa drawer at pinagpapasok iyon. Sinundan ko siya roon habang nakatingin sa ginagawa.

“Diana.” Hawak ko sa kanyang braso.

Tumigil siya saglit. At dahil hawak ko siya, naramdaman ko ang panginginig niya. Sa balikat niyang nanginginig, alam kong umiiyak siya.

“Natanggalan ako ng scholar,” she croaked.

My eyes widened, but then I calmed down as I tried to be rational.

“Makikisuyo ako kay Mommy na kung pwede siya muna sumagot sa bayarin mo sa school, Diana. This is our last year. Isa pa, first semester pa lang naman… Kaya don’t worry about it, okay? I got you…”

Napayuko siya, mas lalo lamang nanginig ang balikat. Umiling siya, tila ba dismayado.

“You don’t need to be embarrassed, Diana. It really happens. Instead of being disappointed in yourself, think positively. Mababawi mo pa naman ‘to eh. My mother would understand. And I have funds! Kung ayaw mong bigyan kita, kahit utang ay ibibigay ko—”

“At buntis ako!” She cut me off and faced me.

Doon ko nakita ang luha sa kanyang mga mata na patuloy ang pag-agos. The pain reflected in her bloodshot eyes as the disappointment mingled in the twinkling tears.

“Nag p-pregnancy test kana ba? Nagpacheck up?” lito kong tanong.

“Nagpregnancy test ako ng limang beses at puro positive! May nabubuo nang bata sa loob ko!” she pointed at her flat stomach.

Natigilan ako.

“Graduating ako eh! Ang tanga tanga ko! Kung kailan magtatapos na, saka naman nangyari ito!” Bigo siyang sumandal sa drawer at halos dumausdos doon habang tinatakpan ang mukha niya.

I froze while watching her breakdown. Ang nakakabingi niyang iyak ay halos magpalabo ng mga mata ko at may naaalala ako. May naririnig akong iyak sa nakaraan.

I’ve seen this before, and I don’t like how it would turn out.

“Kung kailan ilang buwan na lang, saka pa pumalpak!” hikbi niya.

“Bakit hindi mo agad sinabi sa akin, Diana? I could help! My mother knows a lot of doctors, and… and I told you I have my own money! I could lend it to you—”

“‘Yan, Ayeselle! ‘Yan ang rason kaya ayokong sabihin sa’yo kasi poproblemahin mo rin! Running for Summa Cum Laude ka! Hindi mo kailangan ng ganitong problema! Ng ganitong distraction! Hindi mo kailangan ng pabigat!”

My lips trembled as I crouched down just to level her. Umiling ako kahit nagbabagsakan ang mga luha ko.

“Bakit mo ‘yan iniisip sa akin? Magkaibigan tayo, Diana. I told you… you can lean on me… H-Hindi naman kita iiwan… We’ll face this together…”

Umiling siya, paulit ulit. “Magagalit ang mommy mo. Madidisappoint din siya sa’yo! Imagine it, your friend is pregnant!”

“No… Mommy cares for you… Nakita mo naman, ‘di ba? She cares for you! S-She even wants to buy your ticket so you could come with me in New York, Diana! She will help! So please… please… d-don’t abandon me! I will help you… Please…” I cried shakily as I held onto her hands.

Mas lalong nanlabo ang mga mata niya. Pumikit siya at humikbi. Hinila ko siya at mahigpit na niyakap.

“Matalino dapat ako eh. Alam kong mangyayari ito, pero hindi ko iniwasan! Ipinagpatuloy ko!” daing niya sa basag na tinig.

I caressed her back. “You can do this. This is not yet the end. Just… don’t give up. Don’t throw your dreams away, Diana. Let me help, please…” I whispered.

Back in the past, when I wanted to lend my hand, to pull someone out of the dark, it was in those instances in my life that I should have served as their light. I should have stayed. I should have tried my best to help.

Hanggang ngayon, dala dala ko iyon. Na sana, ginawa ko ang makakaya ko. Na sana, ibinuhos ko ang natitirang lakas ko, na sana, tumayo ako sa tabi nila hanggang dulo.

Kaya ngayong nauulit, ayokong makita ang gumuhong pangarap ng iba kung alam kong sa panahong iyon, may magagawa dapat ako.

Kumalma kaming dalawa sa iyakan at kapwa na nakaupo sa kama.

“Who’s the father?” I asked.

Mariin siyang pumikit. Halos kilabutan ako sa pumapasok sa isip ko, lalo na’t ang huli niyang sinabi sa akin ay umukit sa isip ko.

“You really did it? You flirted with one of…” I gasped. “Diana! You know their background!”

Naisubsob niya ang mukha niya sa kama. Ngunit nang mapagtantong baka hindi pa nalalabhan iyon, marahas niyang binawi ang sarili at umupo muli ng tuwid.

“Who?” I leered at her.

“Si Russel…”

My jaw dropped. The most bad boy of the group! And not just the bad boy, but the rumored son of a notorious syndicate in the City! Oh my god!

“Kaya noong inamin mo sa akin na handa kang mabasag sa kamay ni Trison, naiyak ako dahil nawasak ako, Ayeselle. Literal na wasak! Nagbunga pa!” she confessed frustratingly.

“Oh my god! So you really did it with him?!” Parang sa gulat ko, hindi ko na maproseso halos.

“Mabubuntis ba ako kung hindi!” she answered hysterically.

“When?!”

“Martin’s party…” medyo humina ang tinig niya.

Sa sobrang gulat ko, napatayo ako. “That was January! It’s almost September—”

“Naulit ulit… Nagkikita kami. We’re fuck buddies!” she interjected.

Para atang lulutang na ako sa sobrang gulantang.

“Hindi ka man lang ba nag pills? O hindi ba siya nagcondom?!”

“Nagpills ako, okay! But I forgot to take it once! And that week, I told him I’m safe! Kaya putok siya nang putok sa loob ko—”

“Oh my gosh!” Halos putulin ko siya. “Oh my gosh, Diana! Pinagcondom mo pa rin sana!”

“Ayeselle! Ayokong may condom okay! Kaya nga ako nagpills para magawa naming hindi magcondom!”

“Oh my gosh! And you’re pregnant now! What did Russel say about this?!”

“W-Wala akong balak na sabihin sa kanya dahil balak kong ipalaglag, Ayeselle. Kaya ako nagtatrabaho para roon. Para… maipalaglag ko.”

My shoulder loosened. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. And from her reaction, she seemed so sure.

“Magtatrabaho nalang din muna ako para makapag-enroll ako ulit next year. Isang taon na lang din naman eh…” Tumulo ang luha niya na mabilis niyang pinalis.

“Tell him at least…” I whispered.

Natawa siya at nailing. “We both agreed na no strings attached, Ayeselle! Ni ayaw noon ng girlfriend, tapos anak pa kaya! Baka nga ang gago pang iyon ang pumilit sa akin na ipalaglag ito! We’re both students! And damn it, he’s bound to marry someone else! Naka fixed marriage ‘yon!”

Mariin akong napapikit at nahimas ang aking ulo.

“See?! Kaya ayokong ipaalam ito sa’yo kasi dalawa tayong sasakit ang ulo! So let me handle it! Huwag kang madistract sa pag-aaral mo, Ayeselle! Running for Suma Cum Laude ka—”

Oh, shut up! I will talk to him instead! Dalawa niyo itong ginawa, kaya dapat, dalawa kayong magdesisyon nito!”

The desperation to talk to Russel the next day was very strong that I found myself where his circles were always spotted.

Hindi naman sila mahirap mahanap, lalo na’t lagi sila sa VIP area. And to see him with his squad together with Trison, who’s sipping his drink as well, I didn’t hesitate to march toward their table.

Nagtatawanan pa sila sa kung ano man ang topic nila na noong huminto ako, nadala nilang lahat ang ngiti sa labi nang tiningnan ako. I cannot believe this man has the guts to have fun while my friend was miserable and trying to find a way to solve the problem they both created!

I didn’t have time to look at Trison, but I felt his stare at me as he sipped on his drink. His aura was now intense, as he looked more feral than usual. He blended well with the bad boys.

“What’s up?” Russel asked as his laugh mingled with it.

I slammed the pregnancy test in front of him. Natuon ang tingin niya roon hanggang unti-unting napawi.

“Congrats. You’re a father.” I smiled.

“Ohhhh!” His friends shouted and cheered for him.

“Daddy Russel!” isa sa mga lalake na humagalpak at nag-apir pa sila.

“That’s why I told you not to call girls your baby coz they would manifest it! They’ll give you one!” one of his friends laughed.

In my peripheral vision, I saw Trison cough in his drink as he put the glass down. Mabilis na binitiwan ni Russel ang inumin at tumayo sabay hila sa akin paalis doon.

Dinala niya ako sa banyo at doon kami pumasok! Wala namang tao pero nakakagulantang pa rin.

Namaywang siya sa akin at tiningnan ang tiyan ko.

“You’re… pregnant? Wait… what’s your name again? Was it one night? Last month? Hmm…” Nag-isip isip siya at pinisil ang pang-ibabang labi.

Nalaglag ang panga ko. Noong tinawag siyang gago ni Diana, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kala.

“So hindi lang ang kaibigan ko ang fuck buddy mo?” I leered at him.

His face calmed down. “Oh… so… you weren’t… wait…” he crouched a bit until our faces leveled as he realized something. “You were Martin’s fiance! Right!” Medyo natawa siya. “It’s impossible I’d touch his woman! He might beat the shit out of me.” Iling siyang namaywang at pinasadahan ng haplos ang buhok.

“Buntis ang kaibigan ko,” giit ko nang hindi lumiko ang topic.

“What’s her name again?” He tried to scratch his head while he squinted his eyes.

“Diana. Fuck buddy mo.”

“What school? Diane Perez?” Medyo lito pa siya.

I was so disappointed. And to think that this is Trison’s friend tells me what kind of circle he’s really in. Kaya siguro kabi-kabila rin ang babae niya? Kaya ganito rin siya kung umasta? At iniisip ko pa lang na may nabuntis din si Trison, at ganito siya aasta, mas lalo akong nadismaya.

I can’t stand him, so I told him the exact address. Kung pupunta siya, which means he’s serious talking about it with Diana. Kung hindi, then he won’t blame her if she aborted the child. He doesn’t deserve to become a father and I don’t want my friend to ruin her dream to pursue something she wasn’t prepared for.

Paglabas ko at deritso na sa parking lot, nakita ko ang nakasandal sa poste kung nasaan ang aking kotse habang naninigarilyo.

Nagtama agad ang aming tingin. Medyo nagulat pa ako na makita siya rito. I’ve heard a lot of things about him lately. Diana also told me that he’s getting into trouble a lot. He’s now violent, too.

He’s not the Trison I used to know in the past who was friends with the kids. Taekwondo player siya ah? Alam niya dapat na hindi magandang gamitin iyon sa bayolenteng paraan. But I guess he really changed.

My steps slowed down as I clicked the car alarm and opened the driver’s seat.

“How many weeks?” tanong niya.

Medyo nailawan siya sa headlights ng kotse ko. He looked serious and unfazed by my presence while holding his cigarette. Napansin ko agad ang buhok niya. Hindi lamang iyon. Pakiramdam ko lumaki pa siyang lalo. His body reminds me of Drystan. Not too bulky, just enough to know that he’s strong.

“Five.” I answered flatly.

Tumango siya at humithit ng sigarilyo. Tiningnan ko ang loob ng aking kotse at nanatili sa pagitan ng nakabukas na kotse. He blew the smoke on the side and licked her lower lip. I could sense he was holding back to say something, but at the same time, he looked serious.

“I thought you weren’t into playboys? Into boys who smoke? What happened?” Medyo natawa siya ngunit garalgal.

Huh? Wait… He’s thinking that… Huh? He doesn’t know Russel is hooking up with Diana?

“But he might change for you,” he said in a hopeful voice.

“And you can’t do that for me?” Hindi ko na napigilan iyon.

Kita ko ang dumaang gulat sa kanyang mukha ngunit mabilis ding naglaho. Doon din naman ako nagsisi dahil parang lumalabas na naghihintay pa rin ako sa kanya.

“Hindi tayo pwede.” There’s a finality in his voice.

I smiled flatly. “Alam ko. Kaya nga galit tayo sa isa’t isa.”

He puffed his cigarette again, as if it were his source of energy. Nasa may pwetan naman siya ng aking kotse at malayo siya sa akin ang posteng sinasandalan, ngunit dahil sa liwanag, kitang kita ko siya. He looked like a lurking beast in the dark that was finally caught hiding.

“Anong plano mo?” He looked at my flat stomach.

I remember his usual self. Noon, nakakafrustrate siya dahil parang walang pakialam sa akin, na kahit magselos ay hindi ko naaaninag sa kanya. Ngunit ngayon, isa lamang ang napatunayan ko. He’s good at holding his emotions. He’s good at pretending. He’s good at carrying it.

I shrugged and looked away.

He tilted his head. “What did Russel say? Paninindigan niya ba?”

I looked at him again. How can he act so unbothered, huh? Hindi naman sa gusto kong makita siyang nasasaktan ngayon dahil lang iniisip niyang nabuntis ako ng kaibigan niya. Ngunit hindi ko matanggap na parang tanggap niya na agad ang takbo ng buhay ko, na kahit hindi man maging kami, ayos lang sa kanya. Na ito ang gusto niya. Ang makita ako sa ibang lalake.

You are really friends with Diana, huh? Parehas kayong tanga, Ayeselle. You are just that pretentious bitch who’s waiting for Trison to make a move, unlike Diana, who’s risking it all. She’s making my what-ifs into reality, and how ugly it turned out…

“How about your fiancé? Will he accept this? You’re pregnant with someone else…” Umangat ang kilay niya.

Mukhang tatlo na yata kaming problemado ngayon. Nagkibit na lamang ako at nag-ambang pumasok.

“Ayeselle,” he called.

Lumunok ako. It was that call… that signs I’ve been waiting for. Lumingon ako sa kanya. I saw him smile.

“I’m happy for you.” Namamaos niyang bati.

Noong tumama ulit sa kanya ang liwanag na galing sa aking kotse, hindi ako nagkakamali na may kumislap doon.

My eyes immediately turned bloodshot. My heart ached so much that I wanted to tell him I wasn’t pregnant. That I couldn’t love someone else because I am still in love with him. That I can’t get over him.

But the way he greeted me, I could tell that he was waiting for this moment. That he’s willing to see me with someone else.

He bowed down a bit. I looked away and wiped the tears that escaped my eyes.

“Makikikain ako sa kasal niyo,” he laughed.

I glared at him. But then, when I saw how his eyes turned bloodshot, my shoulder loosened.

“Ano bang… nangyari sa atin, Trison?” I asked, shaking uncontrollably.

His bloodshot eyes finally showed the tears. Umiling siya at hinithit muli ang sigarilyo.

“Bata pa nga siguro tayo noon?” he chuckled as his voice broke.

I silently cried as I looked at him. He smiled and closed his eyes. Isinandal niya sa pader ang ulo habang umagos ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. He sighed heavily. Nakita ko ang umukit na sakit sa mukha niya, ngunit mabilis na nabubura.

“Running for Summa Cum Laude ka rin daw. Congrats…” he uttered in his strained voice.

My tears were like waterfalls. Hindi ko matigil. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang sakit. Na kahit sa susunod na mga taon, kung makikita ko ulit siya at magkakausap kami, ganito pa rin kasakit. Na kailanman, hindi na maghihilom ang sugat na ‘to.

“And what’s your achievement lately?” I asked.

Nagkibit siya.

I smiled too. “Congrats… if you did something little, then… congrats…”

He laughed and bowed his head a bit. Ngunit sa panginginig ng balikat niya, alam ko, iyak iyon. I know that I should have done it when I saw him that night, that’s why, when I was given another chance to see him again, I walked to him.

I stopped in front of him, pulled his nape, and hugged him. His other hand immediately went to my waist as he hugged me back.

“Whatever it is, I’m proud of you…” I whispered.

The skin of my neck, where he buried his face, became wet. He sighed heavily as he cried silently. Mahigpit ko siyang niyakap.

“Kaya mo ‘yan… Magpatuloy ka, Trison… Kaya mo ‘yan…” namamaos kong bulong kahit paos na paos na ang tinig ko.

“Matutuwa ako kung ibang lalake ang tutupad para sa pangarap ko sa’yo, Ayeselle…”

I shut my eyes. “D-Don’t worry about me… I’ll be fine. Whatever you are trying to build, whatever goal you have in mind, if you think it’s the only way to find yourself again, then I will support you…”

Rinig ko ang hininga niya, ang kontroladong emosyon, ngunit tila ba nawawasak iyon kahit anong pigil niya.

“I will not stand in your way, Trison. But I’ll always… root for your success.”

I have tried to hate him, I have expressed how much I hate him, but it didn’t heal the pain. And I’m so sick of pretending, so sick of hating him, so sick of putting a line between us. Kung magpapatuloy man ako, gusto kong magpatuloy nang walang mabigat na nararamdaman para sa kanya. Kung huli man ito, gusto kong itong mga salita ko ang uukit sa isip niya.

“When the right time comes that you will find someone to love, I’ll stand in the crowd… and clap for you… Because I know you’d do the same to me.”

Humigpit ang yakap niya, ngunit tumango siya.

“I promise… I’ll let you go this time. So learn to let go of what’s in the past, too, Trison. Let’s move forward. We may not walk together, we may not end up where we both wanted, but as long as we both succeed, I am fine with that…”

His head lifted as he kissed the side of my head. I shut my eyes and hugged him tightly.

“So stand up. Fight. Don’t let them take what’s worth for you. Own it. You deserve it…” I whispered more.

I don’t need his words now because I am fine just embracing his warmth. I am fine with sheltering him for a while. I know that he needs it more than I need to be comforted. And this is enough to put me at ease.

Chapter 25

Jailed

He didn’t say a word I could hold on to. Instead, he cried. He didn’t tell me he’d keep me. Instead, he hugged me tightly. He didn’t say he loved me; instead, he showed his scar, his pain, and the burden he’s been trying to carry for so long.

I whispered all the words I wanted to tell him, and he made me feel all the words he couldn’t whisper to me. He carved something in my soul that I would never forget. I knew that if I fell into the darkness, I could still find him. I could still sense him. And I could still recognize him. Not in his demonic form that he tried to paint in my mind, but as a fallen angel that lost its light.

I couldn’t stop crying while driving. It was a bittersweet moment that hurt in a good way. We didn’t say that we’d find each other again in the future. Instead, we agreed to move forward, heal, and grow separately.

There are no promises for the love we failed to have. But if I could have it again, if fate decided to bring him back to me, I know I’d embrace him completely.

The stereo of my car boomed just to distract myself, but as the intro of the song We’ve Been Fighting For Miles by New West that reminds me of him played and was relatable to what’s happening between us at the moment, I sobbed more.

“We’ve been fighting for miles and I’m feelin’ the distance… But I can’t turn around now I can’t change the way you feel…” The music that triggered my tears more.

He didn’t hurt me, but he has scarred me beautifully… A pain that cuts deep but won’t ruin me even if it doesn’t heal.

This love… is painfully beautiful. It hurts, yes, but it gave me hope I could grasp. It easily forgives, even if it wasn’t asked. That even if I bled while trying to fix every piece, I would still understand why each part was broken.

The short-lived memories of our past flashed through my mind as I saw his warm smile, his flushed face, and the gentleness in his eyes when he danced with me.

If only I had found him too soon, I should have fallen in love with him right then so I could spend more time with him. But those moments were enough for a lifetime memory I could cherish.

When the traffic made the car stop, it gave me an opportunity to lean against the steering wheel as my shoulder rocked. Pumikit ako at humikbi nang sunod sunod.

I know that he’s in love with me. I recognized it. I… felt it. Ipinaalam niya sa paraang alam niya. At naramdaman ko kahit hindi niya man aminin sa akin.

Why… Why can’t we have it? No matter how hard we tried, it slipped away like a light you couldn’t even touch. A light that would vanish without a trace.

Perhaps our love was only meant to be felt in just a glimpse rather than held for a lifetime—a love you could only hope to come back to—a love that only exists in the distance.

Sa lumilipas na mga araw, sa walang tigil na pag-iyak, unti-unti at pinipilit kong intindihin kung bakit kami nasa ganitong sitwasyon. Kung bakit hindi pwedeng ipilit. At kung bakit kailangan naming lumayo sa isa’t isa. Kung bakit kailangan naming magpatuloy nang hindi magkasama.

And as I tried to understand him more, I slowly accepted it.

Maybe there was love that no matter what you did, you just couldn’t have.

Or you may have it, but it requires patience, effort, and sacrifices in order to deserve it.

“He did… what?!” Ang nakakabinging sigaw ni Diana ang bumungad sa akin.

I haven’t told her about my conversation with Trison on that day I went to where Russel’s group was. Para sa akin, ayoko ring maging alalahanin niya iyon.

That’s why, when she already talked to Russel, who fortunately met her so they could talk about it, I spilled what happened on that day as well.

“At hindi mo sinabi ang totoo?! That it was your friend who’s pregnant?!” Her voice thundered in her apartment.

Pinuntahan ko siya at nagdala ako ng groceries. Kakagaling ko lang sa school pero dumaan din ako saglit lalo na’t kuryoso ako sa desisyon ni Russel.

I shrugged. “Wala namang magbabago kahit malaman niya o hindi. As if… he would change his mind?”

He also knows that Martin is my fiance, but he didn’t know that the engagement was called off a long time ago because of what happened in Caraga. Ang alam ko, meron nang fiancee si Martin na bago. But he doesn’t consider the woman, because he doesn’t love her. Just like he doesn’t consider me as well. Or, let’s just say, he doesn’t want serious commitments.

O kahit alam siguro ni Trison ang totoo, alam kong hindi mababali ang paninindigan niya. Kung ano man ang gusto niya. That’s how I know him. He doesn’t rush things.

“God, Ayeselle! What if he was planning to change for you?! Hindi mo ba ‘yon naisip na… baka he’s willing to fight for you?”

Medyo natawa ako. Maybe when I was young, I’d believe that. What if he felt the same way. What if he likes me. There were a lot of what-ifs when you were so innocent, young, and ignorant of love. But as you grow up, you realize that what-ifs don’t exist if he’s a man and you two are at the right time. He would fight for you if he wanted to. He would make a move if he wanted to.

Hindi mo kailangang ipilit ang isang bagay na dapat kusang binibigay.

“Hindi ko na ipipilit ang ganoon, Diana. Coz if I would force us while one of us was lost and broken, we’d only end up hurting each other.”

Medyo kumalma siya, ngunit ang kanyang ekspresyon, napalitan ng pagkamangha.

“Paano mo nagagawang manatili sa linya? Kasi ako… hindi ko kaya, Ayeselle. I am willing to risk it all… To fight at least.”

“In which you ended up, what… to the extent of losing your dream? Yourself?” I leered at her.

“Oo na! Kinain ko na lahat ng mga salita ko na hindi ako papatol sa mga ganoong lalake! But how could I even resist it when he’s gorgeously hot! I just… suddenly fell! Sometimes I would think I was just horny, but I can’t stop thinking about him! Kahit late reply napapangiti na ako!”

“Maybe you’re just horny with a heart?” biro ko.

She leered at me.

“Hindi ko naman ‘yan pwedeng ipangrason kay mommy! At kailangan kong magtapos sa pag-aaral. Hindi pa ako handa bilang isang ina. Masisira ang buhay ko… Ang dami ko pang pangarap. At… madidisappoint din si mommy sa akin. Nangako akong diploma ang iuuwi ko, hindi apo!”

Tahimik ko siyang tiningnan habang palakad lakad siya at biglang ginulo ang buhok.

“Imagine, what if hindi ako umuwi at magtapos muna? Kung hindi ko ito ipapalaglag, ano, uuwi akong dalawa ang sorpresa?! Hindi rin diploma kundi pati bata! Imagine it! Baka maguluhan si mommy kung yayakapin niya ba ako o sasampalin!” she whined dramatically.

“Pwede ka naman niya sigurong sampalin muna saka ka niya yakapin para… comforting?”

She leered at me more. I pursed my lips. Right. I wasn’t helping.

“Nag-usap lang kayo ni Trison! Siguro…” May pagdududa sa tingin niya. “Baka naman… may… closure at… hmm…” She looked at me meaningfully.

Ngumiwi ako sa iniisip ni Diana. “I already told him that we both need to move forward. Tanggap ko na, Diana. Hindi siya akin.”

Nang makitang seryoso ako, huminahon siya.

“Talagang… hindi mo ipaglalaban?” she clarified.

“To fight is to lose. Hindi naman lahat ng laban kailangan mong ipanalo para masabing nakaya mo. It’s just that, there are battles in life we needed to lose in order to move forward. When we win, we tend to stay in that place because we finally made it. But when we lose, it pushes us to move forward to begin another journey.”

I saw a realization in the sudden change of her expression as her eyes twinkled.

“Maybe we are meant to lose in this war to find ourselves—to walk forward and leave what kills us in the past because this isn’t our time yet.”

When I said that I had lost him, I was so heartbroken because I wanted him. But maybe I mistook his absence as a loss because I was clouded by the pain. Maybe… I didn’t lose him. Maybe it wasn’t the right time yet. Maybe… If I move forward, at another time, I could have him. Just not now. Not tomorrow. But who knows what’s in the future. I might find him again? Or… I might find what I thought I’d lost in the past at the right time. Just not now.

But why not now? It would bug my mind. I realized that beautiful things take time.

At hindi lahat ng pagmamahal ay minamadali.

So I’ll keep walking…

“Ayeselle Estiece Ferrarin, Magna Cum Laude…”

I stood and smiled as I started walking to the stage.

“Great walk, Estiece! I love the fierce!” my mentor said during my vigorous rehearsals in modeling.

And walked again and again as the years moved forward. Every steps I made was like a whirlwind of memories as the seasons changed, the stage, the crowd, the place. Kung meron mang hindi nagbago, iyon ay wala sa mga taong iyon ang tumigil akong maglakad.

“Go, Estiece,” one of the staff said while he took the clapperboard in front of me for a signal that it was my time to come out for the opening of the show.

The intro of the famous music boomed. Just like what I’m used to, I would always enjoy the show because I would take my nervousness with me and turn it into a fake confidence until I realized I was not nervous anymore.

The smoke came out of the stage while I wore one of the luxurious lingerie pieces of the famous brand, showing the shape of my thin body and a wreath necklace wrapped around my neck. There were angel wings behind me that matched the color of my lingerie as the lazy waves of my hair cascaded down smoothly. It rained bits of snow for the effect as I started walking for the grand entrance of a famous runway show in New York.

The crowd cheered as soon as I came out. The colors of the stage were shining as they matched the theme of the collection.

My steps mingled with the beat of the music as it boomed. I looked at the side of the audience screaming and clapping, flashed my best asset, which was my smile, looked at the front while holding my chin up, and let myself enjoy the moment.

The international singer walked with me as he continued singing one of his worldwide hits and looked at my body with amusement in his eyes. I glanced at him and smirked, but then I broke our eye contact so I could look at the front again.

I continued walking down the runway while the dazzling lights flickered in front of me, posed, and made a leisurely turn as my hair moved along with me until it started bouncing again when I walked back. I even gave a high five to my co-model who walked by.

Noong pabalik na sa backstage, tumingin ako sa camera at sinabayan ang kanta habang sumasayaw ng marahan. I saw my other co-model dancing to the beat of the music while our team was busy with the other models.

Parang may nangyayaring mini concert dito sa likod ng stage habang pinapanood namin sa tv ang pagrampa ng iilan. The camera zoomed into me, so I mouthed the song to vibe with it as my co-model joined me and kissed my cheek, so we both giggled.

Some of the staff went to me for a wardrobe change. May nag-aayos sa buhok ko, at meron na ring nagreretouch. Mabibilis lagi ang kilos. But most of us were always excited on the runway, to the point that we always wanted to look fun and professional at the same time.

It took almost an hour. But it’s worth it.

“Estiece Ferrarin!” one of the famous reporter went to me with a mic as soon as we went backstage after the success of the show.

“Oh my gosh! That opening was a blast!” she said as she leveled the micropone on my mouth.

“Really?! I was so nervous, but excited at the same time coz this is my third time, which was special since I did the opening!”

“Your walk was jaw-dropping, and it gave me goosebumps! The beat! The hair! The smile! You owned the stage at that moment, and it’s very iconic!”

Tumawa ako lalo na’t gumuhit sa reaksyon niya ang pagkamangha. I was about to talk again nang sumingit si Estella sa interview at niyakap ako, which is my co-model, when she screamed and hugged me tightly.

“Oh… Oh! Sorry! Sorry!” she said apologetically as soon as she realized I’m in the middle of the interview.

We were like dogs at the back stage that have finally been allowed to come out and play in the backyard. We were crowding, screaming, and congratulating everyone.

The camera was still around, so we were so giddy in front of the camera, flashing our little dances and being so extra.

“Estiece…” someone called me while I was laughing with my co-models.

Lumingon ako sa kakapasok lamang sa backstage. It was the singer who sang earlier, which was Vance.

“Oh there he is…” one of my co-models whispered meaningfully as she smirked at me.

I leered at her and laughed. “Stop it,” I hushed before walking to Vance.

Noong lumapit ako sa kanya ay nagtinginan pa agad ang iilan, lalo na’t ilang beses na rin ata akong na link sa kanya. We have a lot of rumors circulating on the internet that, until now, haven’t revealed what’s really between us.

“Are you coming to the afterparty later?” he asked.

“Yup! You?” I conversed casually.

“Depends if…” He looked around, so I looked around as well. He crouched a bit and whispered something to me. “You’re coming home with me again?”

I pushed him and laughed.

He flashed a meaningful smile, but I only shook my head and joined the girls again.

“Say hi to my vlog, pretty Esty,” Arissa said when she flashed her camera in front of my face while her cheek was already pressed against mine.

“Hi! It’s finally over! Yey!” I said childishly as I made a little dance and Arissa joined me. We were like bamboos dancing smoothly while raising our hands.

Natigil lamang iyon noong dumating ang mismong may-ari ng brand, and we gave one-by-one speeches to congratulate him, of course, for the success of the show.

Bumalik din naman kami sa hotel na pinagtutuluyan namin. I needed to change for the afterparty. I don’t have a team outside the show, but I know how to do my hair and make-up. Ako na lagi ang nag-aayos sa sarili ko pag afterparties lang, at ako rin ang namimili ng susuotin ko.

“I won’t snitch if you tell me you’re hooking up with Vance. It’s a rumor,” si Estella noong patungo na kami sa afterparty lalo na’t paglabas ko, naabutan niya rin ako.

“There’s nothing going on between us.” I tried to say it in a way she would believe it, but my laugh mingled with it so that she leered even more.

“Oh please. You were seen in his sports car in a picture taken by a paparazzi, and you went out of his penthouse too. Stop fooling me, Estiece!”

Idinaan ko sa tawa ang interogasyon niya. Vance, one of the most famous Hollywood singer in this generation because of his captivating songs that scream sensuality, was such a massive hit that he’s a big deal.

Isang tingin lang sa labas ng bintana, nakita ko agad ang malaki niyang billboard. He’s wearing Calvin Klein underwear as he flexed his hard rock abs while biting the pendant of his necklace, his hands on his pocket, and his disheveled hair, making him look even hotter in a black and white photo.

Makikita mo siya sa lahat ng sulok ng bansa kasi ganoon siya ka sikat.

Hindi na ata ako tatantanan ni Estella sa bagay na iyon. Thank God we arrived at the exclusive club for our party; she forgot about it immediately when we were crowded by the other models.

It wasn’t a typical party at the Club. You could sense the high-end luxury party in the way everyone sported their look, as if there was another runway happening. Most of the guests were models, and some had high profiles in Hollywood too.

I took a champagne flute and sipped on my drink as I socialized. Hindi matapos tapos ang topic tungkol sa runway kanina lalo na’t doon pa rin umikot ang topic.

Nakipagtawanan ako at medyo dumaan ang tingin sa kabilang direksyon na agaran akong may nahanap na titig.

A familiar physique of the man from the past, sipping champagne from his flute and wearing a tuxedo, was looking at me as he talked to a familiar model. Naaaninag ko ang pagbagal ng pagsasalita niya.

It was dim. But it’s enough that I could still vividly see him. Sa kalabog ng dibdib ko, at sa pagpawi ng ngiti sa aking labi, halos matigilan ako.

He locked eyes with mine. Ang sumasabog na kanta ay hindi ko na marinig. Ang usapan ng kinabibilangan kong grupo ay hindi ko na rin masundan.

“Estiece!” May kung sinong yumugyog sa akin.

Tumingin ako sa kanila saglit ngunit agaran kong ibinalik sa lugar kung saan ko siya nakita. But then he wasn’t there anymore. The model he had talked to was now conversing with someone else.

“Wait, I’ll just go to the rest room,” paalam ko sa kanila at naglakad na.

Ang bilis bilis ng kalabog ng dibdib ko lalo na’t sigurado ako sa aking nakita. It was Trison! I know it’s impossible, knowing what Ashtraia told me years ago that… he got jailed!

“I haven’t confirmed it since when I tried to visit him, the police denied that there’s no Trison Wallace Alcaraz there,” si Ashtraia nang mabanggit niya iyon sa tawag habang nasa hotel ako at naghahanda sa isang interview.

I almost wanted to breakdown right at that moment, but I tried to calm down. Wala naman ang pangalan niya kaya baka—

“Hindi mo ba sinubukan ang Wallace Serrano?” I looked at her when I realized it.

“Huh? Sino ‘yan?” she looked confused.

Oh shit. She has no idea that Trison actually changed his name! Shit! Maybe that’s the reason why the police denied it!

“But I really saw him in the jail. Nakasuot din ng orange na t-shirt. He’s one of the prisoners. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali,” si Ashtraia sa siguradong tinig.

My mind was bombarded by a lot of things. Why was he arrested? What for? I suddenly remembered the circle he was in. And the image he sported during my college days—maybe that was the reason he was put in prison?

“Buti pa si Sanders, nagmilitary. Ano ‘yon? Goal niyang makipagbond sa friends niya through what, a raid? And he’s the criminal?” Ngumiwi siya.

Sanders, which was Lola’s pet. As Abrielle described him.

“But what happened to Trison?” Ashtraia asked curiously.

Right. What really happened when I just saw him here in New York? In the exclusive high-end Club I’m in. Either he’s high-profile and got invited personally, or he sneaked in? Or am I imagining things?

Naglakad lakad ako habang mabilis ang galaw ng aking ulo para lang mahanap siya. It wasn’t too crowded since there were still spaces, so you could still move. That’s why when I spotted someone’s familiar back walking out, I immediately rushed to chase after him.

“Trison!” Sinubukan kong tawagin.

He didn’t glance. Nagpatuloy siya sa paglalakad at swabe lagi ang pagdaan niya sa mga grupo ng nagkalat na mga bisita. His movements were so smooth and calculated that he didn’t even bump at someone while I struggled and needed to utter an excuse since I was bumping at them just so I could abruptly pass.

With my fast steps, I almost keep up. Ngunit sa muli kong pag-abante ay may nabunggo ako at sa pagkakataong ito, natabig sa puti niyang dress ang wine.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m in a hurry,” I said apologetically and tried to walk out, but she stood in front of me, blocking the way.

“Look what you’ve done to my dress,” she said in a thick accent.

With her foreign features, since her hair was put in a bun that highlighted her small face and baby blue eyes, I could tell that she’s American. She looked so pissed, while I looked so distracted as I tried to tiptoe and looked at Trison’s body disappearing.

“This is expensive, just so you know,” she hissed, covering my sight.

Naibalik ko ulit ang tingin sa kanya. Tinatangka ko ring umalis ngunit humaharang ulit siya at iritable.

“And where do you think you’re going? Fix this,” she demanded desperately.

Hindi ko man lang magawang bigyan siya ng atensyon dahil sa bumabagabag sa isip ko.

So he wasn’t jailed? Or has he already bailed out? And he’s… here in New York? But is that really him?

Chapter 26

Cruel

“Arkaine, can you pull some strings for me?” I said in the sweetest voice as soon as I called her.

I could sense her hostile demeanor even if I was not in front of her. She always has that dark, feminine demeanor about her. Kahit noon pa man. We’re cousins, but there were times she looked so distant and cold that it was hard to approach her.

Sa totoo lang, mas madali pang lapitan si Ashtraia kaysa kay Arkaine. Pero mas maganda namang kausap si Arkaine kaysa kay Ashtraia. Coz Arkaine is the serious type, unlike Ashtraia, who seems too playful and less interested in everything.

“Just because you’re a supermodel now doesn’t mean it would work on me, Estiece.” May panunuya sa pagbanggit niya sa pangalan ko.

I chuckled a little. “Please?”

“How confidential is that?” she asked, sounding intrigued.

Pumikit ako at sinapo ang ulo habang nakasandal sa sink ng rest room.

“I just want to know the details of why he got jailed,” I whispered.

Hindi agad siya nakapagsalita.

“Nabanggit kasi sa akin ni Ashtraia noong mga nakaraang taon…”

“She mentioned it too.” There’s a distance the way she uttered it.

Dumilat ako at binasa ang labi.

“Can you dig it? He’s using Wallace Serrano. It’s his father’s surname. And Wallace is his second name. Matunog ‘yon noong college pa lang ako dahil sa dami ng nagkakagusto sa kanyang babae.”

“Why do you want to know it?” sa tanong niya, pakiramdam ko, nakapag-imbistiga na siya bago ko pa ito hingin sa kanya.

I panicked a bit. If she were just in front of me, I’d probably squeeze her.

“I just want to confirm something…”

“Yes, he got jailed. It’s related to drugs, which he escaped, and he’s one of the most wanted now.”

Nanindig ang balahibo ko sa deritso niyang pagbato noon. Mariin akong pumikit.

“We’re after the syndicate he’s in,” she confronted.

Bumigat ang paghinga ko. Alam ko ngayon ang kakayahan niya, ang pamamalakad niya. She’s leading the whole group of Lola’s hustler private armed group, and they’re after the big syndicates.

“Or after him, personally. His head has a bounty,” she said in a smooth, nonchalant voice that seems like she’s a robot.

She was emotionless, which was what she needed in her work. To feel less emotion toward these criminals. But even if she’s not part of it, she’s already been like that since I’ve known her.

Nanginginig ako. My breathing hitched as I couldn’t recover so easily.

“U-Until now?” I tried to sound less interested, but I know it was futile.

“Until now. Until he’s captured. Until he’s in our hands.”

Shit. Which means, until now, she hasn’t captured him yet?

Kung ganoon, mailap pa sa mailap si Trison. Arkaine has been known as the mastermind of their group because of her tactics. She has captured a lot of big syndicates, and the government relies on their group sometimes or needs to ally with her.

Why is it taking you so long?” I tried to converse in a way she wouldn’t doubt when I could already sense she had found out what this call was about.

“The Chief of the military is quite… a headache,” she murmured.

“But you were allies with them, right? Hindi ba’t nagkasundo na iyon?”

Panandalian ang pananahimik niya. I flipped my position and looked in the mirror. My bloodshot eyes were telling me how scarred I am from the talk.

“If you… capture him… what are you planning to do?”

“The NBI is handling his case. It also reached the internationals, which was the FBI’s. A lot of armed groups are after him since he’s a big fish.”

Huminga ako. Even the FBI’s?!

“But no one succeeded in capturing him yet. Not even the internationals… He blended well in the darkness that we couldn’t even find him,” nanunuya ang tinig niya.

“But he got jailed? Sino ang nakadakip kung ganoon?” I asked curiously.

“That’s the funniest part. He got captured years ago while his case was still minor, a two-year imprisonment, or a bailable case, because he surrendered.”

Namilog ang aking mga mata. He… surrendered?

“It’s just a usual minor case on the street when you’re involved in drugs. Just two years,” she repeated.

“But he escaped? How?”

“It’s all over the news, Ayeselle,” may pagod na sa tinig niya, tila ba kung hindi ako pinsan, binabaan na ako ng tawag.

“I’m busy, alright! Nasa afterparty ako at pumuslit lang dito para—”

“Which club?”

“H-Huh? I mean in New York!”

“Yes, and which Club,” she demanded.

Lumunok ako. I could sense something in the way she demanded it.

“You’ve seen him there?” Ngayon ay talagang nababasa ko na iyon agad ang pumasok sa isip niya kanina pa.

It’s the scariest part about her. She treats everything like she’s in the military! And oh well, knowing that she has a military degree she got internationally, she’s a hustler! She’s expert.

“I’m not sure. It was dim and…”

Gusto kong magsinungaling sa totoo lang. There’s a part of me that feels like I would do the wrong thing if I confirmed it was truly Trison.

It was a dilemma. You are choosing between good and evil. Between light and darkness. And I stood in between.

She turned off the call immediately. Huminga ako nang malalim, tiningnan ang sarili sa salamin at hindi alam kung ano ang mararamdaman.

If that’s really Trison, I am now worried for him. If he escaped and is now one of the most wanted in the City, then what’s going to happen to him?

I cannot imagine the things I’ll do once I’ve found him. I hope Arkaine is fast enough to find him, because if I face him and do the right thing, it will probably be the hardest part.

Siguro nga, kaya si Arkaine mismo ang pinili ni Lola na mamahala sa private armed group dahil nakita niyang masyado akong emosyonal. Abrielle isn’t the most emotional type, but after what happened, I know she isn’t capable of leading the group either.

Noon, alam ko na it’s either Arkaine or Ashtraia who’s gonna lead the private armed group of Lola. Kaso nga lang, parang mabilis madistract si Ashtraia. She’s less interested. While Arkaine seems determined to train.

I’ve been avoiding the news because Wallace Serrano became the most wanted, and I do not want to confirm it unless I’ve seen it with my own eyes. That even Ashtraia has already told me she has seen him inside the jail felt like a fantasy to me. Hindi kapani-paniwala.

But I know that those weren’t just made-up stories because it’s all over the news. It has evidence. And to hear Arkaine confirm it, mas lalo akong nawawalan ng pananalig na maaari ngang hindi na siya nakaalis pa sa dilim.

“Have you heard the news?!” Estella shouted as soon as she entered my hotel room when tomorrow came.

Nag-iimpake na ako para sa aming schedule ngayon. Problemado pa sa nakita kagabi, parang hindi yata ako nakatulog.

She immediately opened the television while looking so tense, biting her lower lip.

“Leonel, the CEO of the famous lingerie brand, was captured by the FBI after getting link from one of the most wanted criminal Wallace Serrano after it was invited in an exclusive party in the aftershow of the runway,” the news stated.

Namilog ang aking mga mata nang makita kung paano ipinalabas ang isang footage ng cctv sa party na iyon at ini-zoom sa balita ang mukha ni Trison.

“The FBI has confirmed that Leonel has been trying to prostitute one of her models, who was caught in the act at the party, while the most wanted Wallace Serrano has immediately escaped,” the newscaster continued.

“It’s the reason why our tour was rescheduled! And some of our interviews were cancelled too! The FBI is conducting a massive investigation on the whole brand, Estiece!” si Estella nang tingnan ako.

Sa matindi kong gulat, hindi ko alam kung alin ang uunahin. Oo at nabanggit ni Arkaine sa akin pero… ngayong makita ang mukha niya sa telebisyon bilang most wanted, parang nangingilabot ako.

He’s at the top of the world for what? For being the most wanted not just in the Philippines but also internationally?!

“And I cannot believe that Macy was tried to be exploited in prostitution! She was sold to that man named Wallace!”

Macy… ang modelong nakita ko kagabi na kinausap ni Trison. What… he’s… what…

“And now, Leonel is facing a lot of backlash! He’s going to jail! Worst, the brand might be forced to close once he’s convicted as guilty!”

Hindi ko maipasok isa isa ang nangyayari. I’ve been hearing a lot of dark rumors in the modeling industry that some of the models were used for prostitution by the brands as they sold them to big syndicates, business tycoons, and high-profile men. But I never thought that it really existed until I saw the victim last night.

And the worst part here is that the big syndicate that was planning to buy her is none other than Trison?

“He could be hot, but he’s dangerous! I cannot believe that Leonel has sold Macy to him! Oh, she must be very traumatized!” patuloy ni Macy habang hindi ako makagalaw.

Sa araw na iyon ay pinatawag din kami. And to see the FBI in front of us, the familiar face of the woman who bumped at me last night, made my jaw drop when I saw her in her military uniform.

She smirked at me as soon as our eyes met. But it wasn’t friendly at all. It was like mocking.

“We will interview you one by one for this big case,” the woman said in her authoritative voice.

The FBI is really after Trison? And she was there last night because… she’s after him?

Para akong lutang sa oras na iyon. My co-models were eager to cooperate for Macy’s sake. And the most shocking part is that it wasn’t just Macy who was the victim. Marami sa amin ang… ilang beses na palang naibenta ni Leonel sa malalaking businessman.

And now he got caught when the FBI found out about his connection to the most wanted man, Wallace Serrano. Because they’re after Wallace, whoever links to him, is being exposed.

“Next.”

Natauhan ako nang makalabas na si Estella at ako na ang susunod na papasok para sa interrogation. I sighed and stood. I just need to tell the truth and answer her questions.

Pagkapasok, kahit sanay naman ako sa malamig na kuwarto, ang makitang lamesa lamang ang nasa gitna, silya, at ang babae kagabi, pinagpapawisan na agad ako. I closed the door as she looked at me fiercely.

“Take a seat,” turo niya sa harap.

Tumango ako at umupo. Nakita ko ang pag-alis niya sa files ni Estella at ang bumalandra naman ay akin.

“Half Filipino… I see,” she smiled, but I could sense it wasn’t the friendly one.

“Magkakaintindihan pala tayo rito,” she laughed a bit, but there was an air of mockery in the way she talked.

Medyo gulat ako ngunit masyado pang tulala sa mga nangyayari.

Itinuko niya ang mga siko sa lamesa at bahagyang inilapit ang mukha sa akin. For a woman to become part of the FBI fascinates me, but at the same time, it intimidates me. Naaalala ko si Arkaine.

“You called him Trison,” sa timbre ng kanyang seryosong tinig, tila ba may nabuksan akong banga kagabi at nadiskubrihang yaman para maging ganito siya ka interesado.

“You know him personally?”

At sa pamamaraan ng titig niya, alam kong wala akong lusot. But if I told her his name… I would be the one who’s gonna push Trison into his own… jail.

I wanted to save him. But I didn’t know how. Will I ever save him if I pull him out of the darkness, if telling the truth right now would only lock him there forever?

Ngumiti ang babae at tila ba may nabasa sa akin. Tumango siya.

“A lover?”

Namilog ang mga mata ko at mabilis na umiling.

“Then, what’s his full name? Who are you in his life? Are you the ex?”

Umiling akong muli. “No…”

“His full name,” she interrogated impatiently.

“You’re part of the FBI. That’s easy for you—”

“Ah. So you’re siding with a criminal? A supermodel is siding with a criminal. Hmm… kasabwat ka ba ni Leonel?”

Nalaglag ang panga ko. “Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo.”

“Then what’s his full name?” she demanded more.

Why… Why is it so hard to stand with him? Why is it so hard to stay where he is? Why… can’t I stand with him?

“You’re quite popular. A million followers. A well-known supermodel. And, oh… a Ferrarin. You’re related to Arkaine.” Ngisi niya.

She knows Arkaine?

“Arkaine’s reputation in the military was outstanding. But how come… one of the Ferrarin, seems to be siding with a… criminal?”

I gritted my teeth.

“You don’t want to help your co-model, who was actually almost exploited? Who was almost prostituted?”

My shoulder loosened. Hindi niya iyan nabanggit kanina pa. Kaya ngayong marinig kung bakit ako nandito, ang pag-ambang pumasok sa dilim ay agarang naitulak sa liwanag.

“Trison Wallace Alcaraz.” I bowed my head.

“And you’re his?”

“A friend,” bulong ko.

“A what?” She leaned closer, almost a tease.

I gritted my teeth more. “A friend.” Saka ko inangat ang aking mukha para makita niyang hindi ako nagsisinungaling.

She laughed a bit and nodded.

“Sabagay. Your image is quite clean.”

Hindi ako nagsalita kung ano man ang tinutukoy niya roon. Ang tumatakbo lamang sa isip ko ay makuha ang pangalan niya at makapagtanong kay Arkaine tungkol dito.

“If the media found out that you’re related to him, you’d be ruin.” Saka niya pinaglaruan ang ballpen sabay sandal sa upuan at nanatili ang titig sa akin.

“I’m telling the truth that we were just friends.”

“And when did you last talk to him?”

“Six years ago, during my third year of college in the Philippines,” I explained carefully.

Tumango siya. “Tell me about him.”

Kailangan pa ba ‘to? I thought this was about our brand? About Macy? Ngunit bakit nililiko niya?

I remembered what happened in the past, and I couldn’t help but knit my brows.

“What is this all about? I came here for Macy’s case. I am not here for that most wanted man named Wallace.”

Hindi agad siya nakapagsalita at titig na titig sa akin.

“If Macy was indeed almost exploited, then why are you more curious to know my relationship with Wallace? Unless you are trying to dismiss her case right away because you’ve found a bigger fish in the sea.” I smiled sarcastically.

“The only thing I will answer is about Macy. If you have a problem with that, then I’m getting my lawyer.”

Tumango siya at tila ba may napatunayan. “Ferrarin nga.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano man ang tunay na nangyayari. Ngunit isa ang malinaw sa akin, Leonel was imprisoned after they investigated him and recovered a lot of evidence that he was indeed using some models for prostitution.

I feel bad for the victims. Halos kaming mga models ay kinakampanya ang kaso kahit pa alam naming pinagbabawalan kami ng mismong brand na magsalita dahil masisira lalo ang imahe nito. But is that even important now? I turned my profile black just like my other co-models did to support the case, to punish Leonel, and to seek justice for the victims.

Free the Angels from Hell was trending in every social media platforms, and a lot of people were tweeting about the case.

And while I was campaigning for it, I realized that I could not be where Trison is. We are opposites.

He’s on the dark side. Which I cannot fully support. Nag-iba siya ng landas na malayong malayo sa akin. Malayong malayo sa tama.

A part of me wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but Macy is the real victim here. Not just Macy, but the other women who suffer from being prostituted to big fish in the industry controlled by power and money.

The Manager of our brand stood in front of us with a disappointed look in her face. Tahimik kaming mga models. Ang iba ay yakap yakap si Macy na mugto ang mga mata.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Mace?” si Selene, ang Manager namin at sikat din bilang exclusive coach ng supermodels.

“L-Leonel told me that I…just needed to…come with him…” she said in her trembling voice.

“With who?”

“W-With that…Wallace…”

Mariin akong pumikit at hindi napigilan ang luha na namuo sa mga mata ko. Gusto kong manginig ngunit pinigilan ko lamang.

“What did Leonel say about that Wallace?” Selene interrogated.

“That… he’s his friend…And I needed to do…everything…that Wallace wanted…”

I pursed my trembling lips.

“I know what he exactly m-meant…He wants me to…sleep w-with him…And I know that…he’s giving me to…h-him…B-Before that, we talked about my c-contract ending this year…b-but he offered s-something big…Something I wanted…W-Which was to join another r-runway next year and to be the o-opening…Other than that…he a-also said that V-Vogue would feature me for my p-promotion…b-but…I needed to w-work for it…which was…p-pleasing that…W-Wallace…”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang hikbi ko. Macy sounded scared and traumatized, but at the same time, I could hear the desperation in her voice because of her passion as a model.

“I-I’m really s-sorry, Selene… I-I just wanted to…”

“Why are you even sorry?” I spat and looked at her with my bloodshot eyes.

Nagulat ang lahat sa pagsasalita ko. Doon ko napagtantong hindi lang pala ako ang umiiyak na. Lahat kami.

“Never apologize for being disrespected, used, and manipulated. You have nothing to explain just to be heard as the victim, Mace. We are on your side.”

Tumango siya at nanginig sa pag-iyak. Tumalikod si Selene sa aming lahat at nagpunas ng luha habang yumuyuko.

This is the dark side of being a woman. We were easily trampled on, and worse, we always got the short end of the stick, to the point that we were sorry for the things we shouldn’t apologize for due to the twisted mentality of these men who abused their position. They believe we are so easily controlled because we are driven by our desire to be at the top and successful, which they use as bait to lure us from their caves of evilness.

They think that they can provide for women who can’t provide for themselves and use it for their own benefit, making us feel that we won’t even survive without them.

But that’s not true. A lot of women nowadays are independent and don’t rely on men. Women have the capacity to earn money like men. Women have proven that we can walk our paths without being tugged by cords knotted on us like toys by these men who wanted to control us.

And if…he’s really one of them…then how cruel life is to show that evil does exist in all forms, even in the people you least expected to become bad and monstrous.

Chapter 27

Trigger Warning:
Violence

Ransacked

“Seems like the FBI is keeping these copies confidential, but I got em all,” si Vance na inilapag ang USB sa table.

Kumalabog agad ang dibdib ko. I was trying to access the CCTV footage of the party kaso ayaw nilang ibigay kaya sinubukan ko kay Vance since his connection is way more deeper compared to mine.

Kinuha ko agad iyon at isinaksak sa gilid ng laptop na nasa harap.

“Why are you interested in that criminal, anyway?” tanong niya habang itinuko ang mga kamay sa magkabilang gilid ko, ang kanyang mukha ay lumebel sa akin.

Seryoso kong minanipula ang laptop. I opened the files until the videos popped out. Hindi ko na sinagot pa ang tanong ni Vance at p-in-lay ang CCTV footage.

I saw the familiar woman I bumped into at the party. She wasn’t suspicious at all since she blended well, but I could sense how she paid attention to her surroundings through her calculated movements.

Sumipol si Vance. “Fucking hot…”

Hinayaan ko siya sa reaksyon niya. Wala naman akong napapansing kakaiba sa footage. Tiningnan ko ang kinaroroonan ni Macy. Nakita ko ang pagiging balisa niya at patingin tingin sa paligid. Sa kabilang dako kung nasaan ako, nakikipagtawanan ako kina Estella.

Noong ibalik ko ang tingin, agaran kong nakita na may kausap na si Macy. I sat straight and clicked the previous arrow to repeat the scene.

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa paligid ni Macy. It wasn’t too crowded, ngunit marami raming tao na halos hindi ko masundan kung saan galing ang pagpasok ni Trison at bigla nalang siyang nasa harapan ni Macy.

Nanindig ang balahibo ko. Hindi dahil para siyang multong biglang sumulpot, kundi dahil sa swabe ng kanyang galaw at tila ba sanay na sanay na siya sa ganoon.

There was an air of mystery in his calculated movements; even if it was an open party, he could still easily hide himself if he wanted to.

Para bang… napag-aralan niya na ang bawat anggulo na kahit sa dagat ng mga tao, kung gugustuhin niyang mapabilang, hindi siya mahihirapan.

I saw how he smoothly talked to Macy. Ngumingiti na ngayon si Macy ngunit makikita pa ring balisa. Trison sipped on his drink as they talked like casual friends, which wasn’t suspicious at all if I was just a stranger around them.

I saw how the woman who’s part of the FBI threw a glance at where Trison is, touched her ear a bit, and whispered as if she were talking to someone as she moved from one place to another, trying to act less suspicious.

If I didn’t know she’s an FBI, I wouldn’t suspected her movements right now that seems so natural. Ngunit dahil nalaman ko, mas binusisi ko ang kilos niya at mapapansin nga ang kaonting kilos niyang tila ba hindi party ang sadya niya at iba.

Pilit kong hinagilap kung may kakaiba pa ba ngunit may iilang mga lalake na papalapit sa kinaroroonan ni Trison. And Trison, who seems so chill, was moving his eyes once, as if it were enough to know who’s after him, and how to escape all of them.

Doon ko nasundan kung paano ko siya nahuli sa dagat ng mga tao.

“You know him?” tanong ni Vance na halos ikinagulat ko nang maalalang kasama ko nga pala siya.

“Used to,” I answered flatly.

I saw how the woman said something as if she were communicating with someone secretly, took a champagne flute to the waiter she passed by without even glancing, and in just a second, she bumped at me.

Shit! It was so smooth that I thought I was the one who bumped into her. But no! She calculated my movements and made it look like I was being clumsy!

Nakita ko ang mabilis na pagkilos ng iilang lalake at mukhang hinahabol si Trison na swabe lamang ang pagpasok sa dagat ng mga tao.

“He escaped. I gathered some of the cctv footage. The FBI failed to catch him. He just hijacked a sports car in the parking lot, acted like it was his, and poof, he’s on the run. A hustler criminal as what they say,” si Vance na idinetalye na ang iba at inilapag sa akin ang folder.

“That’s the files of the woman you told me to get. You know what? The FBI’s information is confidential. I think she’s using it as an alias. More like a made-up identity she could use as her cover-up for the missions…” aniya habang binubuksan ko na iyon.

“That’s all I can do for you…”

Nilingon ko siya at nginitian. “This is too much. Thanks…” Saka ko ulit dinala ang tingin sa files na pinasadahan ko ng tingin.

Sofia Warren. Twenty Eight. Dito naka based sa US at patay na ang parents.

“Don’t rely on their information coz that’s probably not their real background,” ani Vance.

Bumuntonghininga ako. At least I have her name. Kung kilala niya si Arkaine, maaaring kilala rin siya ni Arkaine?

Vance opened the television. Ang agarang bumalandra ay ang news tungkol kay Leonel. Mailap kaming lahat ngayon sa social media katulad ng gusto ni Selene. She even told us to take our vacation for a while.

Sa buwang iyon, wala akong nagawa kundi umuwi nalang din muna sa Pilipinas. Hindi ko alam kung bakasyon ba ang ipinunta ko o masyado na rin akong nakukuryoso.

“I cannot disclose such confidential information, Ayeselle,” si Arkaine nang pagdating ko, siya agad ang pinuntahan ko at kinulit sa bagay na iyon.

“But I’m your cousin!” I said frustratingly.

“I don’t trust anyone,” she answered nonchalantly.

“Even me?!” I frowned.

“Even myself.”

Oh damn it. Arkaine and her stone-cold heart!

“Just tell me who’s Sofia Warren! I promise… I won’t ask anymore aside from that.”

Umiling siya, nanatili ang tingin sa laptop suot ang seryosong mukha habang mabilis ang pagmamanipula noon.

“I don’t know her.”

“Pero nabanggit ka niya! That FBI girl!”

Kita ko ang pagkatigil niya at para bang may ideya agad siya.

“Why are you curious about her?” Patuloy niya at tumayo.

Bumuntot ako sa kanyang opisina. Nasa main headquarters ako. It was built for Lola’s private armed group. Madalas siyang nandito kaya talagang nagkusa na akong pumunta rito.

May kinuha siyang folder at bumalik sa table niya. Sumunod ako at muling itinuko ang mga kamay roon.

“Who is she?” I demanded.

Umangat lamang ang kanyang kilay. “If you are this curious about military, you should have enlisted.”

“Arkaine, I’m serious!”

She moved her laptop until it faced in front of me. May nagplay na video.

“That girl?” she asked.

Napatingin ako at nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang… makitang… tinututukan siya ng baril ni Trison.

“A US-based army. Part of the FBI. We trained together since we’re in the same school. She failed the mission in Caraga and blamed me.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Parang isinampal niya agad iyon sa akin lalo na’t natahimik ako.

“Wallace’s syndicate has successfully gotten the weapons they needed. Dahil bobo ‘yung humahawak ng misyon nila. Nabulilyaso. Ang tanga kaya natatakasan,” she continued ranting.

Hindi ko alam kung galit ba siya dahil sa unang pagkakataon, may misyon siyang hinawakan na pumalpak, o may iba pa…

“Ano bang nangyari?” I tried to keep up when I was really clueless about what she was saying. It’s like a math problem I can’t even solve in my mind.

“Our group clashes with their group. Someone has sabotage the mission. That fucking idiot head of the military has poor planning. Alam niyang teritoryo namin ang Caraga…” buntonghininga niya at napahilot sa sentido.

“Trison… he…” I gasped as I was still trying to process everything.

“That woman he held as hostage is related to Draven, which built the rare weapons they needed to ship to New York together with the narcotics. He’s part of that syndicate.”

Nalaglag ang aking panga. “At… nasa New York na sila?”

“They’re having a hard time finding a safe route for their drug running. Nasa Pilipinas ngayon ang kuta nila at kumukuha ng tyempo makalabas ng bansa. They’re cornered here,” ani Arkaine.

Wala akong masabi sa lahat ng impormasyon. Hindi ko alam kung narindi na ba si Arkaine sa pangungulit ko kaya sinabi niya na ang lahat o…

Nabalitaan ko naman ang nangyari sa hotel while I was in New York. And I cannot believe I will see the actual footage of Trison…

“Bakit hindi niyo siya nahuli sa Hotel? Bakit siya nakatakas?” I asked.

Iniisip ko ang galit ni Ashtraia, pakiramdam ko nagwawala siya. Siya pa naman ang humawak ng Hotel.

“Our group clashes with the militaries. Someone has tipped us to go there because Wallace is there, but it seems like the other militaries were already informed in advance since they’re probably part of the mission. Nagsalpukan kami roon kaya nakatakas ang subject at mas gusto ko pang barilin ang nagmamagaling nilang military leader.” She rolled her eyes.

“And who’s the head of the Military? Si…” Inaalala ko noon ang mga kaibigan ni Lola na pulis.

May tiningnan siyang frame na ikinulob niya. Nanliit ang mga mata ko. Hindi niya pa ba sinasabi?

“I’ll give you some guards,” aniya at tumayo.

“Huh, bakit? I have my team. I don’t need guards—”

“You are linked to that son of the President. Kalat sa social media na girlfriend ka niya,” she said meaningfully.

“That was years ago when I went here for a TV guesting. It’s just a rumor. Pinagbigyan ko lang ‘yung dinner at magkaibigan lang kami hanggang ngayon…”

“You still need some guards,” she said, sounding desperate. “Don’t worry, they do not need to be with you. They will act surreptitiously.”

What? Isn’t it more creepy when someone’s following me? Baka mabother lang ako?

It seems like Arkaine has already made up her mind. Hindi ko rin matanggihan lalo na’t alam kong ipipilit niya iyon. Nababahala tuloy ako lalo na’t pakiramdam ko, may hindi siya sinasabi sa akin para hindi ako mag-alala.

“Medyo tense ka, Miss Estiece…” the make-up artist commented.

Sa dami kong nabaong impormasyon mula kay Arkaine, parang stress na stress na ako simula noong nandito ako sa Pilipinas. Oh, now I’m starting to envy Ashtraia, who’s in America for a vacation! Ang sabi ni Arkaine, pinayagan daw ‘yon ni Lola na lumabas ng bansa pagkatapos ng nangyari sa hotel.

Thank God I didn’t manage it! Sa galit ko rin naman kasi noon kay Lola… parang ayokong may koneksyon ako sa Ferrarin pansamantala. Ayoko ngang pumunta roon. Ashtraia seems fond of Caraga, and she agrees with Lola.

“Thank you, Mary,” ngiti ko pagkatapos niya akong ayusan.

I wore a long, white backless dress that has a slit on the side. The deep v-neckline of the chest part showed the valley of my boob as the thin lace was ribboned against my nape. Nakalugay lamang ang aking buhok ngunit may hairpins sa bawat gilid para manatiling detalyado ang maliit kong mukha nang hindi sagabal ang aking buhok.

I wore an earring, which Arkaine gave me, and some pearls to match it on my dress. It’s gonna be a masquerade party. My half mask is made with diamonds and has feathers on the side. The party was luxurious since it’s also an auction and will be held in one of the most luxurious hotels in Manila.

Nagtungo rin naman ako roon noong ipinasundo na ako. I will come alone. But I wonder if… Those guards Arkaine was talking about, were they there?

“Estiece,” Sullivan smiled as soon as I went into the party.

I immediately saw his guards all over him. Of course he’s guarded, knowing that he’s the son of the President… which was his mother.

“You look like an angel…” he whispered as he crouched a bit.

I chuckled softly. Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang malaking function Hall. Everyone’s wearing their fancy masquerade masks with their luxurious gowns and tuxedos, and I could smell how prominent the invited people are.

“Sullivan,” a woman called him as she walked toward us.

His guards were fully alerted. They would look at those who would go to us critically, like they were some enemies trying to disguise themselves as an alley with judgments in their eyes. Hindi ako masanay sanay sa ganito kahit na ganito rin kahigpit ang bouncers pag may show ako sa ibang bansa.

“Estiece! Oh my gosh, the supermodel rumored girlfriend of Sullivan,” she grinned at me.

I only chuckled as I couldn’t disagree with it when she started pinning her cheek to my cheek for a proper greeting.

Oh, I’m so sorry for what happened to the brand. I’ve heard it. You must be very devastated…” She frowned while holding both of my hands.

“It’s quite traumatizing, but I’m trying to cope with it po by having a good time here in the Philippines…” ngiti ko.

Oh, I could sense it! Napanood ko nga ‘yung guesting mo sa isang show kahapon. Ang ganda ganda mo sa tv pero mas litaw na litaw ka sa personal. Goddess!”

I chuckled and glanced at Sullivan, who was wearing his smile as well. Binitiwan ako ng babae at tinapik ang balikat ni Sullivan sabay turo sa table para makapagpaalam.

“I’m really sorry for this rumor…” Iling niya.

“It’s fine. But… do you have a girlfriend at the moment?” tanong ko.

“Wala rin naman. You know, Mommy is quite… teasing me to you. She’s fond of you. Stress reliever niya ang vlogs mo.”

“Really?” Bahagya akong natawa.

“Yup. Last time, I caught her watching your guesting with Vogue… When you were doing your skincare? She actually bought those products.”

Our topic was just cut off when the auction finally started. It was a fund-raising charity for an orphanage, and all of the upperclass socialites were eager to participate since there were internationals who were willing to donate as well.

There was a sudden nervousness in me, and I didn’t know where it was coming from. Pakiramdam ko… may nakatingin.

Shit. Was it Arkaine’s guards?! This is what I told her kaya ayoko! Ako ang napaparanoid!

I clapped when everyone clapped as the paintings were sold for a million. I don’t know who bought it but I don’t want to be a stranger while everyone’s clapping.

The place was a bit dim, but not dark enough to see the crowd. I tried to roam my eyes to see if there was someone looking at me. Kung may napapatingin man, madalas… lalake na halatang namamangha lamang.

When I couldn’t take the heavy atmosphere, I decided to stand up. Binulong ko kay Sullivan na pupunta akong comfort room. He offered some of his guards, but I know that he needed them the most. Isa pa, baka nasa tabi tabi lang din ‘yung guards na sinabi ni Arkaine?

I went to the comfort room with my purse and did some retouching after taking my mask off.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang bumabagabag sa akin habang tinitingnan ang sarili sa salamin.

After checking myself, I decided to come out. Ngunit nasa hamba pa lang ako, nadaplisan ng tingin ko ang pamilyar na lalakeng kakalabas lamang sa function hall.

Trison?

My heartbeat doubled. Kilalang kilala ko ang tindig na iyon!

I hurriedly went out and followed him. Halos mabilis ang paghakbang ko noong lumabas at nakita itong lumiko, patungo sa elevator.

Noong lumiko ako, nakita ko ang pagpasok niya sa elevator na tinakbo ko pa ngunit sumara iyon at hindi ko man lang naabutan. Tumingala ako para makita ang floor saka agarang ginamit ang kabilang elevator at pinindot ang floor kung saan siya papunta.

Where is he going? Nandito siya? Naka check-in? Pero galing siya sa function hall, ah? Wait… He’s invited? Knowing that that party was an exclusive party for high-profiles! Imposibleng… inimbatahan siya?

Biglang nagpatay sindi ang ilaw ng elevator. Tumingala ako at kinabahan. Saktong bumukas ang pinto kaya mabilis akong lumabas at nakita ang likod niya sa dulo ng corridor na kakaliko lang.

Tumakbo akong muli nang magpatay sindi muli ang ilaw. Tumingala ako at medyo nalito kung anong nangyayari.

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience. We are having a minor problem with our system, but it was already under control. We suggest for everyone to lock their doors and never entertain anyone while we’re trying to fix it. Stay in your room and wait for our update. Thank you.” The intercomm resonated all over the floor.

What’s… happening? A minor problem?

May lumabas sa corridor na dalawang lalakeng hindi ko kilala kaya nagtago ako sa gilid.

“Nagkakagulo na raw sa function hall. Gwardyado ‘yung anak ng presidente pero nakumpirmang wala sa loob ‘yung girlfriend. ‘Yun nalang daw ang hanapin lalo na’t hindi gwardyado.”

“‘Yung Estiece ba? Patingin nga ulit ng mukha…”

“Nakaputing gown daw ngayon. Puti ang maskarang suot. Tanda ko ang mukha no’n kasi pinagpantasyahan ko ang picture no’n.”

“Gago ka. Ano bang sabi ng anak ni boss?”

“Kung hindi ang anak ng presidente, ang girlfriend daw. Ayos na rin ‘yon pang blackmail total may koneksyon pa rin sa Presidente at mismong girlfriend ng anak niya.”

Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko at nanginig sa takot. They’re… after me… At kung hindi ako umalis sa kinatatayuan, maaabutan nila ako rito! Makikita nila ako!

I know that knocking on the door of the other room right now was futile when they were just told not to entertain anyone. Nor open the door! At kung gagawin ko pa iyon, makukuha ko agad ang atensyon nila. The corridor has nothing to hide! Kung bababa ako, paano kung may mga kasama silang paakyat? I’d be dead!

Breathe Estiece. Walk calmly and go to the elevator! Now!

It was my adrenaline rush kicking in that I immediately walk to the elevator. Halos mabuhayan ako nang mapindot iyon. I was impatiently looking at the door as it slowly opened.

“Miss?!” Rinig ko ang pamilyar na tinig nila sa likuran.

Pumasok ako agad at mabilis na pinindot ang close. The two men’s eyes widened as soon as they saw me.

“Siya ‘yan!” Turo ng isa sa lalake sa akin.

Nanginginig kong pinindot nang paulit ulit ang close habang nagkakatinginan kami. They hastily ran toward me with their guns and desperate expressions, trying to get me. Isa sa kanila ang kinasa ang baril at itinutok sa akin.

“Tumigil ka!” one of them warned.

I heard a gunshot as I screamed and crouched down on the floor. Mariin akong pumikit hanggang naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ng elevator paakyat. Noong dahan dahan akong dumilat, doon ko napagtantong saktong sumara ang elevator at doon iyon tumama bago pa man ako mapuruhan dito sa loob.

Fuck! This isn’t a minor problem! Their hotel was being… ransacked!

Chapter 28

Trigger Warning:
Violence

Never

I was panicking inside the elevator. Sa pagkakataranta ko kanina, paakyat pa yata ang napindot ko sa halip na pababa.

I clicked the twentieth floor, which, for sure, they had seen outside, and they took the other elevator to follow me here. Pinindot ko ang twenty-eight floor, at noong bumukas sa twentieth floor, saka ako lumabas.

I looked at the next elevator. Nasa eighteenth floor pa lang. Pag lumabas sila, ang maaabutan nila ay ang pag-akyat ng elevator sa twenty-eight floor, at babalik sila sa loob para sundan ako.

Right. Use your brain, Ayeselle!

Mabilis ang takbo ko sa corridor at noong narinig na nag ting ang elevator, agad akong nagtago sa gilid, kabado lalo na’t patay sindi na naman ang ilaw. They haven’t fix their system yet!

“Tang ina! Umakyat sa twenty-eight floor!” one of them shouted.

“Bilis! Balik!” Their panic and aggresive voice were now slowly fading, as if they had gone back to the elevator.

Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng kalamnan ko. I was chased by death itself. At kung naabutan ako, alam kong malaking gulo ang mangyayari. They will use me as bait to demand something from the President! From Sullivan’s mom, thinking that I’m the girlfriend!

Pero kahit na… alam kong pag nalaman ni Tita na may hawak sila, she would do everything to save its life. I know her because she cares for her people. That every life matters to her.

Hinubad ko ang aking heels na itinago ko sa gilid at gumala ng mabilis sa corridor ng floor. I tried opening some of the doors, expecting that I could at least access one of them.

Kaso card ang gamit para makapasok. Now I have no choice but to trick them until I can go back to the lobby! So I could call some help!

Dumikit ako sa gilid at binuksan ang purse ko. Nahulog pa ang aking lipstick dahil sa nanginginig kong kamay ngunit noong ambang pupulutin iyon, narinig kong muling nag ting ang elevator.

“Dito ba ‘yung sinabi nila Jason?”

“Oo… huminto rin daw dito. Nasa twenty-eight floor sila. Baka nandito ‘yon.”

Dahan dahan kong binawi ang kamay at hinayaan ang lipstick kong gumulong, halos manalangin na huminto iyon nang hindi makakuha ng atensyon.

When it stopped from the side of the vase, I was so relieved, but then, hearing the footsteps, my heartbeat doubled.

“Wala daw ba ‘yung gwardya? Ferrarin ‘di ba?”

“Wala raw. Mag-isang pumunta. At oo, Ferrarin.”

“Hindi ba’t ‘yan ‘yung matinik na grupong kinabibilangan noong babaeng nagpakulong sa kanang kamay ni boss?”

“Oo ‘yan sila. Ang mga putang-inang ‘yan. Pero laging naiisahan ng anak ni boss.”

“Pero kung hindi nakulong si Ramil, hindi niya matatagpuan ‘yung anak ni boss. Dinala niya ‘yon noong tumakas sila.”

“Mas matinik ang pamamalakad nitong anak ni boss eh. Hindi pumapalpak. Kaya hanapin natin ‘yung babae at baka pag dito siya sumabit tayo ang mapapatay no’n…”

I pinned myself in the dark corner of the corridor, almost not breathing, as I saw their shadows on the floor advancing with their guns.

“Maganda daw ‘yon. Ano…” rinig ko ang tawa nito.

“Oo supermodel. Baka kaya nabulilyaso ‘yung kinuhang babae sa New York kasi ito talaga ang pamalit?”

“Edi kung nakuha natin ‘to, jackpot ang anak ni boss. Baka pwede muna nating tikman…”

“Gago ka. Nakita mo ba ang criminal record no’n?”

“Hindi!”

“Manginginig ka. Manang mana ‘yon kay boss. Sabi niya nga, baka mas maging masahol pa. Kaya ang daming nagkakainteres na malaking sindikato doon dahil halos siya na ang nagtawid ng droga sa iba’t ibang bansa. At itong sa New York, trillion daw ang kikitain dito. Limpak limpak na dolyar. Kaya ikalma mo ‘yang alaga mo at baka pumalpak tayo dito…”

If only I could…unhear all of those things. It was like listening to the devil’s wrath, and I couldn’t even name who it was because I knew it wasn’t familiar. It wasn’t him.

“Wala yata dito. Tara,” the impatient voice of the man until their footsteps started fading away.

Doon lamang ako nakahinga. Sinilip ko ang gilid at nakitang pumasok silang muli sa elevator. I took the lipstick and ran to the stairs. Sinilip ko muna ang ibaba para makumpirmang walang paakyat. Noong masigurado, nagmamadali ko iyong tinahak.

Pagkadating sa seventh floor, dahan dahan akong nagtago sa gilid at muling sinilip ang pasilyo. Nagpatay sindi muli ang mga ilaw kaya tumingin ako sa ceiling, hinintay na muling bumukas iyon.

Noong hindi na namatay ang ilaw, saka ako naglakad muli. The light seems to be losing its power, as it only looked so dim but not dark enough to not see the corridor.

Isa isa kong sinubukang buksan ang mga pinto, nagbabaka-sakaling hindi naka lock sa loob. But most of them were closed.

Tumigil akong muli at sinubukang tingnan ang phone ko. It’s not yet low, but there’s no signal! Oh damn it!

Baka magamit ko mamaya ang natitirang battery kaya ayoko iyong aksayahin.

“Tang ina ka! Nandito ka lang pala!” My eyes widened when one of them earlier took the stairs and saw me manipulating my phone.

Mabilis ang kilos ko at tumakbo patungo sa elevator ngunit nahawakan niya ang buhok ko. I shouted when he pulled me back aggressively until my back was pinned against his body. Sa sobrang rahas ng pagkakahila niya, nabitiwan ko ang cellphone ko na tumilapon sa may hagdan at nahulog, ang purse ko naman ay sinipa niya pa sa malayo.

“Akala mo makakatakas ka sa akin huh?” he smirked at me as his now was leveled at the side of my face.

My instinct, which Lola has taught us in the past for self-defense, ruled over me as I used my arm and elbowed his face. He groaned but didn’t let go of my hair, so I twisted my body facing him, grabbed his shoulders, and pressed my knee forcibly into his groin, making him wince in pain as he gradually lost his strength.

“T-Tang…” he couldn’t even formulate his words as he touched his crotch while his expression was in pain.

Mabilis ang takbo ko patungo sa elevator at nakita ang kabilang elevator na pababa sa floor na ito. Shit! Shit!

“Tang ina ka! Pag naabutan kita!” the man growled, who’s now pulling himself up.

My breath labored as the lights started blinking again. Sa tuwing lilingon ako sa likod pag namamatay ang ilaw at nabubuhay, nakikita ko ang paika ikang pagtakbo ng lalake sa akin, humahabol na parang bumangong patay kaya ganoon nalang ang kaba ko.

Finally, the elevator door opened. I slid in as soon as I heard the next elevator ting. The lights came back on as I saw the man racing toward me, his hand reaching as I hastily clicked the door and the next floor.

“Tang ina ka!” I heard his voice before the elevator closed, and he didn’t make it.

Muli akong pumindot ng number at tumingala para lokohin siya sa pinindot kong floor kanina na doon ako patungo. When the door opened on the twenty-sixth floor, I immediately went out, letting the elevator close again as it was now going to the twenty-nineth floor.

Naiwan ko ang phone ko sa seventh floor na nalaglag sa hagdan! Kailangan ko ‘yung balikan mamaya!

I tried to open the doors of the rooms again. Gusto kong kumatok pero kabado ako na baka ang nasa loob ay kasamahan ang din pala nila. It’s giving me a lot of anxiety that I can’t even afford to trust anyone at the moment!

I started hiding in the dark corners of the corridor again when I heard the ting of the elevator. I immediately took the stairs. Tiningnan muna ang ibaba kung wala bang tao, at noong masiguradong walang paakyat, saka ako bumaba habang naririnig ko ang boses ng papalabas sa elevator.

Pagliko ko sa corridor, halos hilain ko ang sarili pabalik at idikit sa pader ang katawan nang makitang may isang nakaabang sa elevator, pinipindot iyon.

“Nandito ako sa twenty-five floor. Si Ron ang nasa twenty-six. May iba na ring nasa ibang floor. Mukhang nasa elevator pa siguro ‘yon…”

Sumilip ako at nakita ang pagbukas ng elevator na may sakay na lalake.

“Wala sa twenty-four. Gagong babaeng ‘yon… pinaglalaruan tayo!”

“Bumalik ka doon baka nandoon ‘yon! Walang nagbabantay doon!” The guy pushed him back to the elevator.

Binawi ko ang tingin at tahimik na hinabol ang hininga. Gaano ba sila ka rami? I have no choice right now but to take the stairs since they’re all assuming I’m taking the elevator and they’re planning to corner me!

Dahan dahan ang pagpunta ko sa hagdan, at noong namatay ang ilaw, mabilis ang pagbaba ko para hindi mapansin ang kilos ko. When the light opened again and illuminated the next floor, I peeked my head on the side and saw the man who was in front of the elevator on the edge of the corridor, waiting impatiently.

Ngayon lang ako natuwa sa hagdan kahit nakakahingal na. At pababa naman ako kaya hindi gaanong nakakapagod idagdag na rin ang kaba sa akin na baka maabutan ako.

“Hindi ‘yon makakatakas. Inaakala na ng nasa lobby na may itinanim na bomba sa bawat floor at pasasabugin kung nasaan man ‘yung babae kung aakyat sila. Matatakot ang mga ‘yon lalo na’t nasa labas na rin silang lahat,” I heard another conversation.

“Wala pa rin bang nakakahuli sa babae? Isa lang ‘yon? Halos sampo na ang kumikilos ah?”

“Narinig mo ba na may lahing Ferrarin daw ‘yung babae. Pinsan daw noong kasali sa grupo noong rason kaya nahuli si Ramil. Matinik ‘yon.”

“Sinong Ferrarin ba ‘to? ‘Yung kapatid ba? Dahil kung ‘yung kapatid, iyon daw ang sakit sa ulo eh. Nahuli si Raymond sa Caraga dahil nasipa daw noon…”

“‘Yung supermodel. Estiece daw. Mahinhin ‘yon. Pero sakit sa ulo naman yata lahat ng mga babaeng Ferrarin lalo na’t mana yata doon sa matandang hindi mamamatay matay hanggang ngayon. Ang pinaka sakit sa ulo sa kanilang lahat.”

They have all of our backgrounds? Sumilip ako ng kaonti at nakita silang nakatayo lamang habang naninigarilyo sa may pasilyo.

I should avoid the floors where there are two of them. Mahirap nang takasan pag dalawa.

I waited for the light to turn off, and when it did, I ran to the stairs again. When it opened, I heard them curse.

“Uy may gumalaw! Tao yata! Bumaba! Puting bestida!”

“Gago baka multo! Wala akong nakita!”

“Anong multo?! Nakaputing dress daw ‘yon! Siya ‘yon!”

I could hear their aggressive voices rushing after me as I ran downstairs. When I reached the twentieth floor, I stopped there and ran to the corridor, hoping that there was no one there so I could freely run to the edge where the other stairs are.

“Dito ako sa babang floor! Hanapin mo sa floor na ito!” I heard them.

Nakita ko ang bukas na mukhang lalagyan ng mga walis at kung ano ano. I ran toward it and saw that it wasn’t even too spacious, just enough for the cleaning materials to be stored. So instead of slipping in, I went to the back of the open door and hid myself there.

Alam kong iisipin noong lalake na nasa loob ako kaya mas mabuting dito ako sa likod magtago.

Gumulong ang isang balde na mukhang nagalaw ko kaya gumawa ng ingay habang naririnig ko ng yabag ng paang patungo na rito.

My heartbeat tripled as if I gonna get caught any minute. I saw his silhouette and heard his aggressive movement as he looked at the opened storage room and peeked his head inside. It was my signal to push the door roughly till his head was sandwiched on the side as he groaned painfully, his scream echoing inside as he pushed the side of the door forcefully.

At dahil nasa likod ako ng pinto, sa sobrang lakas ng pagkakatulak niya, humampas ang likod ko sa pader na ikinaungol ko sa sakit.

“Tang ina!” he cursed and pulled himself out while touching his ear that was now bleeding.

“Gago ka! Sasaktan talaga kita ngayon kahit sinabing huwag kang gasgasan! Tang ina ka!” He grabbed my arm, pulled me harshly, and slammed me on the wall again.

Sa sobrang lakas noon ay halos mahilo akong natumba. My vision was getting blurry as I winced in pain. Patay sindi na naman ang ilaw. I saw the image of the guy every time the light would open as he clicked his head while the blood trickled down at the side because of what I did to him. Sa galit sa mukha niya, alam kong nanggigigil siyang saktan ako.

He walked toward me. Noong makarating siya sa paananan ko, nag-aambang yumuko para abutin ako. I used my feet to outbalance him and turned my body until he fell to the floor on his back as he groaned.

Patay sindi pa rin ang ilaw at sumabay sa dilim ang maliksi kong kilos. The next thing he knew, I was already sitting on his stomach, kneeling at him, my other leg revealed by the slit of my dress, as I successfully pulled the gun from the side of his pants and leveled it at his head.

When the light opened again, it was the sight that welcomed him, which was the gun aiming his forehead.

Kita ko ang gulat niya, ngunit kalaunan, natawa ng nakakaloko.

“Marunong ka ba niyan?”

My Lola owned a lot of shotguns in the mansion, and some of our trainings in the past for self-defense were involved with guns, too. Ganoon niya kami pinakali sa mansyon. Ganoon niya kami pinahirapan. Ngunit ngayon ko lang naiintindihan ang lahat kung para saan iyon.

Hindi man ganoon ka subsob ang ibinuhos ko sa trainings, pero may mga natutunan ako para protektahan ang sarili ko. It was the basic things to at least defeat your opponent who doesn’t know martial arts…

Kinasa ko iyon ng walang kahirap hirap at muling itinutok sa kanya na ikinapawi ng kanyang ngisi. I smiled and put my finger on the trigger.

“T-Teka…” he panicked and raised his hands.

Umalis ako sa pagkakaluhod sa kanyang tiyan at tumayo. Ginalaw ko ang baril at sinenyasan siyang pumasok sa storage room.

He stood slowly, his hands were raised as he walked to the storage room.

“Ilabas mo ‘yang map,” I ordered.

He did what I wanted. Pumasok siya roon saka ko iyon isinara gamit ang ulo ng map habang ang katawan nito ay nakatukod para hindi niya iyon agad mabuksan. Kung mabubuksan man, wala na ako sa floor na iyon.

I was about to drop the gun when I realized I needed it for my protection. Halos ngayon lang pumasok sa isip ko na hawak ko na iyon.

This time, I have the courage to take the elevator. Tumakbo ako roon at nakitang humihinto ito sa bawat floor. They would assume that this floor has one of their men, so I guess no one is coming down here.

I clicked the elevator and aimed the gun in front, just in case. Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko nang makita ang bilang na bumababa na sa mismong floor kung nasaan ako, hanggang sa bumukas ang pinto. Luckily, my hunch is right. It’s empty.

I slipped in immediately and stared at the numbers. Try ten, Ayeselle!

Shit. Kung may nandoon man, I have a gun. I would scare to… shoot them!

Siguradong mas marami sila sa lobby dahil inaabangan nilang baka bababa ako roon. I’d rather play with them and take my time, dahil baka papunta na si Arkaine. For sure, she would involve herself in this.

I aimed the gun at the front again. When the door opened and no one was there, I felt relieved. Mabilis ang paglabas ko at nag-ambang bumaba nang marinig ko ang yabag ng mga paang paakyat.

I immediately ran to the side of the corridor as the light closed again. If this is a normal day, baka takot na takot na ako, but even if there were a ghost roaming around while I’m in danger, I might just push her out of my way! Hindi ito ang oras para manakot siya at baka kaming dalawa na ang magmulto sa floor na ito kung nahuli ako.

“Nasaan ba ang anak ni boss?”

“Nasa eight floor ‘yon nag checked-in ‘di ba? Hindi ko alam kung lumabas ba. Baka pag nabagalan ‘yon sa atin siya ang kumilos at lagot tayong lahat. Ito lang ang binigay niya sa atin na gagawin…”

“Mailap daw ‘yung babae. Marunong daw lumaban.”

“Paanong hindi eh Ferrarin ‘yon! Kilalang kilala ang matandang nagpapalakad sa kanila na namumuno noong mga nirerecruit para makapasok sa militar. Lahat ng pinapapasok no’n hindi raw basta bastang napapatumba…”

There’s only one thing that I pinned in my mind. Eight floor. I was thinking that all this time… The one they’re referring to as the son of their boss is… none other than Trison.

Lalo na’t noong sinundan ko siya, sa eight floor din siya tumigil. So… There might be a chance that… he’s there?

Noong ramdam kong nakakalayo na sila at nasa dulo na, mabilis akong bumaba sa hagdan. I didn’t stop at the ninth floor and went to the eighth floor instead.

Isa agad sa napansin ko ay walang ni isa na naroon. Tila ba iniiwasan nila ang floor na iyon total… nandito siya? That if I were here, I’d be caught immediately by the most hustler criminal among them.

Tumakbo ako sa corridor at inisa isang tingnan ang pinto. I even tried to push some of them, expecting that there was an idiot who checked in and forgot to lock the room. Kaya noong tumigil ako sa isang room at naitulak iyon, namilog ang mga mata ko.

I immediately slipped myself in and closed the door. Noong masiguradong locked, saka ko tiningnan ang loob.

The lights were closed ngunit isa sa napansin ko ay ang bukas na balkonahe lalo na’t hinahangin ang puting kurtina.

I slowly walked while aiming the gun for whatever trouble would pop out in front of me. Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko, ngunit hindi na yata sa takot. Nagsusuntukan ang nerbyos at pananalig sa akin. Nerbyos na baka iba ang madatnan ko, at pananalig na sana, siya iyon.

When I finally stood in the living area, seeing the empty sofa while there was an opened bottle of rum and an ashtray of cigarettes, my heartbeat skipped.

Halos pigil ang hininga ko lalo na’t noong tumingin ako sa balkonaheng nakabukas, sa sumasayaw na puting kurtinang bahagyang natatakpan ang naroon, nahagip ng mga mata ko ang nakatayong pamilyar na lalake roon.

When the curtains moved swiftly again, I saw his image standing with his black shirt as the buttons were all opened, revealing the tats he has on his chest, his elbows resting at the railings, and his other hand holding a shot glass while smoking on his cigarette.

When the curtains danced again, as they moved away from the sight of his face, our eyes immediately locked. Bumaba ang aking balikat nang mapagtantong… si Trison nga.

Nandito sa loob, umiinom at kampanteng naninigarilyo na akala mo nasa bakasyon habang nagkakagulo na sa labas!

At hindi man lang siya nagulat na nandito ako at nakapasok, may hawak na baril at nakatutok sa kanya. It’s like I fell into a trap and finally went into the lion’s den, from which I could never escape.

Chapter 29

Submissive

I froze for a bit. Hindi man lang ako nakagalaw agad noong inihulog niya ang sigarilyo at naglakad papasok.

Just like how I spotted him at the party and the way he moved in the CCTV footage, it was smooth, with no trace of interest in him, as if he’s unfazed by what’s in front, even if it’s a gun.

I watched his movements. Ngayong mas nakikita ko siya nang malinaw, ibang iba siya sa huli kong kita sa kanya. His hair was pushed back, but there were some strands that kissed his thick brows. His eyes—gray—seem so foreign and full of mystery that you can’t even predict his movements, even though he looked so calm.

“Rum?” he offered while walking to where he put the bottle.

Sinundan ko ang kilos niya, sinisiguradong hindi nalilingat dahil pakiramdam ko, mahuhulog ako sa bitag niya kung kumurap man lang ako.

He poured another drink and raised his brow a bit, looking at me with only his eyes moving.

“I’m unarmed,” he said, taking a sip on his drink.

I felt like I was seeing a foreign version of Trison. Someone who only looked like him—a hot and intense version with a massive body, tall height, and ferocious demeanor—opposite his old self.

“If you don’t want to shoot me, then you can keep it away from me?” He laughed a bit.

Sa lahat yata ng tinututukan ng baril, siya lang ata ang kalmado at tila ba walang pakialam. O akala niya… hindi ko kayang magpaputok?

“What happened?” I asked with my dark stare.

He stuck his tongue out and licked the side of his lips while thinking.

“Sikat na sikat ka sa tv. You’re… the most wanted not just in the Philippines but even internationally!” I hissed and looked at his chest, confirming that my eyes were still there.

Mukha siyang nag-isip isip saglit, but at the same time, he seemed less interested.

“Tell me the truth, please…” I pleaded.

Tumingin siya sa akin, nakaangat ang kilay, tila ba ang bobo ko sa parteng iyon para hingin sa kanya ang totoo kung nakabalandra na iyon sa telebisyon, at isinasampal na ngayon sa akin ang kaguluhang tila siya ang may pakana.

“There were men after me. They wanted to take me. Are you… part of them?”

“I am the boss,” he said blatantly.

My shoulder loosened. Halos dismayado ko siyang tingnan habang nakatitig kami sa isa’t isa. His gray eyes—with no amount of hope—gaze at me emotionlessly.

“I run the syndicate that’s after you at the moment,” he continued in a cold voice.

“You let the darkness consume you,” I whispered slowly.

“I never wanted the light, Ferrarin…” he whispered back.

Then… this is his own choice? He wanted this? He… pursued a path that’s opposite from the Trison I used to know.

“And was it worth it?” I asked calmly, my voice full of disappointment.

“Almost.”

Lumunok ako. “There’s… still a chance. Maybe… if… you surrender right now… the police will…”

He bowed his head and laughed. Noong iangat niya ang mukha, kita ko ang nakakalokong ngiting lumandas sa labi niya, at ang nanunuyang titig niya.

“I have a bounty in my head. You think they would let me live?” He arched his brow.

“They would!”

“But a lifetime imprisonment? Sa patong patong kong kaso, lagpas pa sa natitira kong buhay ang hatol. Ah… I don’t wanna get old behind bars,” he chuckled and pinched his lower lip.

My shoulder loosened more. “It’s better than… doing bad things, Trison.”

He rolled his eyes, but his lips were stretching.

“Surrender,” I hissed.

He scratched his brow and chuckled a bit, as if he’d heard a funny story and it was tickling him.

“Or else what? You’ll shoot me?” may pang-uuyam sa tinig niya.

He really thinks that I can’t do it? Lalo na’t may gana pa siyang sumimsim sa kanyang inumin! Pissed that he wasn’t taking me seriously, I directed the gun at the bottle and pulled the trigger.

In just seconds, there’s a sound of a gunshot and a shattering of glass as it explodes together with its drink. Halos tumalon ang balikat ko sa gulat. Trison, who’s just beside it, didn’t even flinch. He remained on his feet as some the bottle of rum shattered, the water pouring down the table and dripping to the floor.

Muli kong itinutok ang baril sa kanya, ngayon, ipinapakitang kaya ko siyang barilin. He whistled with amusement and took the shot glass to his lips as he sipped on it.

“Not bad for a Ferrarin,” aniya, tila ba may laman iyon.

Lola is well-known in Caraga as a hustler in shooting. That’s the reason she owns legal firearms and leads a private armed group—she’s a hustler herself.

The training I have is just the basic one. Ang mas magaling sa amin ay si Arkaine. She trained not just in guns but also in knives. It’s her greatest weapon, and she could take her opponent down even if she only had knives.

He put the shot glass down and wiped his lower lip with his thumb. Lumunok ako nang makitang naglalakad siya patungo sa akin.

I gripped the gun as my heart pounded for his next movements. It was calculated, and the way he looks at me, I can sense that he already knows how to pin me down, how to win me over, how to catch me. Na kahit may baril ako, hindi iyon problema sa kanya.

Lumunok ako nang hindi siya tumigil sa paghakbang hanggang sa bumundol ang dulo ng baril sa kanyang dibdib, nakadikit na roon, saka siya tumigil.

And because the buttons of his shirt were all opened, showing his hard rock abs and chest, my eyes drifted to where the tip of the gun was kissing. Naroon iyon sa mismong… tattoo ng mga mata ko.

Tumitig ako ng ilang sigundo roon. Ngumuso si Trison at itinagilid ang kanyang ulo, nanunuya ang titig sa akin.

“Shoot. This is your last chance,” aniya.

I glared at him. It was those moments in the past that pissed me off. Those moments where I wanted to hurt him so bad because he irks me.

At alam ko, palaban din siya. Katulad na lamang ng ginawa niya sa sapatos ko nang itinapon ko iyon sa kanya. Sa assignment ko noong pinunit ko ang kanya.

And if…I fight back, he would just use his expertise in martial arts that I know it’s futile to win against him.

Namulsa siya at tiningnan ang baril na nakatutok sa kanyang dibdib. Sa iritasyon ko, matapang ko iyong idiniin lalo sa dibdib niya. Ngumuso siya at nag-angat ng tingin. I saw the playful look in his eyes and how his lips stretched for a smile as he stifled it.

Damn him!

“You’re too open. I could take this so easily if you didn’t shoot me right away.”

I gritted my teeth. May panunuya sa titig niya. He looked so devious; his image screams dominance with a feral look in his eyes—a hustling criminal who radiates danger.

But at the back of my mind, there was the Trison I caged in the past that I couldn’t forget. The Trison who’s friends with the kids. The Trison who has a genuine smile. The Trison… who’s full of hope.

“I know this is about your mother—”

Like a swift breeze blowing against me, in just a second, he took the gun from my hand effortlessly and aimed it at me, which gave me chills.

“Your time is up,” he said and lifted his brows.

May tumunog sa paanan ko. Noong bumaba ang tingin ko roon, nakita ko ang nagsibagsakan na mga bala. My jaw dropped when he dismantled it. It was just seconds, and now I am unarmed.

Eager to take it back, I tried to get it from his hand. But instead, he caught my pulse, pulled it and flipped my body, pushed my back until I bend over the table. I groaned while trying to get away while he gripped my two hands using his one hand! Ang lakas niya! At ang bilis ng kilos niya!

“Should I teach you the basics?” he whispered huskily.

“Fuck you, Trison.”

He laughed. “Fuck me? I’m not in the mood for sex right now.”

Oh damn him. I rolled my eyes until I stopped wiggling when I realized I couldn’t even escaped his grip. Sa tangkad at katawan niya, kung babaliin niya ako ngayon, alam kong kayang kaya niya.

Hinila niya akong muli hanggang napatayo ako at napasandal sa likod niya. Irita kong hinila ang mga kamay kong hawak niya pa rin.

“Let’s set some rules here, Ferrarin,” aniya habang pinaikot ikot ang baril sa kanyang kamay.

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa braso ko. Umangat ang kanyang kilay kaya tumingin ako roon at nakitang may pasa ako. Not just a scar, but a scratch.

Sa daming nangyari kanina, hindi ko na alam kung saan ko iyon nakuha. But for sure, it was the guy who smacked me on the wall. Kung hindi ko iyon nakita, hindi rin rerehistro sa isip ko na masakit pala ang katawan at paa ko.

Noong tumingin akong muli sa kanya, nakita ko ang pagdaan ng galit sa mukha niya. Parang daplis lamang at tila kidlat na agaran ding nawala.

“You’re my captive. If you want to live, do as I said,” he said carefully as he graze the tip of the gun on the side of my jaw.

“And if I don’t, I’m dead?” I scoffed.

Lumuwag ang pagkakahawak niya hanggang binitiwan niya ako. He turned his back and pushed the gun to the side of him effortlessly as he walked back to the table.

“Papatayin mo ako?” ulit kong tanong.

“Kailangan mo lang gawin ang gusto ko kung ayaw mong mapahamak,” aniya at kumuha ng panibagong sigarilyo habang naroon ang atensyon.

I was so disappointed. I gave him the benefit of the doubt in my mind. I gave him hope. I created light for him just to keep my mind out of the darkness where he truly was because I believe in him.

But I was wrong.

Think, Ayeselle! As Arkaine said, they’re cornered here in the Philippines. Naghahanap pa sila ng lusot para sa shipment ng kanilang mga droga. If… I go with him… I might… do something.

Yes, right. I’ll go with him instead. Because right now, I know he could just escape the police effortlessly, like how he has done it. Kaya kung tatakas man siya, at hawak niya ako lalo na’t kailangan nila ako para pamblackmail sa nasa itaas, then I’ll find a way in order for the police to find where their factory is.

“You became a monster,” I fired while holding my pulse he gripped earlier.

“Aren’t we all?” angat ng kanyang kilay.

The window was open. He leaves it open as if he were so sure I wouldn’t even dare to run there and shout for help. Tila ba… alam niya ang takbo ng isip ko.

May parte sa akin ang kabado, ngunit may parte sa akin ang malakas na pananalig. I needed to do what was right. Hindi ko siya kayang panooring ganito ang buhay niya. Hindi ito ang pinapangarap ng ina niya.

“Anong pumipigil sa’yo na barilin ako?” I hissed.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I need you alive,” he said nonchalantly while taking the pack of cigarettes off the table.

Pinanood ko ang mga kinuha niya. He has no things at all. Just a pack of cigarettes and his wallet. That’s all.

Nagtungo siya sa pinto at binuksan iyon. He glanced at me and coaxed me to come near him. Lumapit ako habang lumalabas na siya.

“Kung tatakbo ka ngayon, most of my men were on each floor. Mahuhuli ka pa rin,” aniya nang tuluyan kaming lumabas.

And he thinks I am planning to escape? If he can’t help himself to get out of where he is right now, then I’ll find a way. I’ll end it.

“Just follow me,” he ordered and took my pulse.

Bumaba ang tingin ko roon. Is this really the hustling criminal Wallace Serrano? Coz at the moment, all I could hear is… Trison. Para bang… gusto niyang pagkatiwalaan ko siya para hindi kami mapahamak. O hindi ako malagay sa kapahamakan.

And funny because I know that he’s the danger itself, but his words felt so comforting.

Deri-deritso ang lakad niya sa corridor habang hawak ako. I was a bit worried that his men would appear and hurt me, but then, they would only assume he caught me now that I’m with him.

Of course, he didn’t catch me. I was the one who found him! Ako ngayon ang nagkukusang sumama habang iniisip niyang takot lamang ako sa mga banta niya kaya nakikicooperate ako.

Sure. I was a bit scared. But not for myself. It’s for the life he has chosen. Natatakot ako kung ano ang kahahantungan niya sa pinili niyang landas at nahuli siya. Lalo na’t sa oras na ito, mas gugustuhin ko pang tumulong para madakip siya, kaysa pabayaan siyang magpatuloy sa pinaggagagawa niya.

Nadaanan ko ang itinago kong heels sa vase. I stopped and took them. My purse was nowhere to be found, but it wasn’t important.

We took the stairs, as we were now on our way to the seventh floor. I tried to find my phone, which I cannot find as well. Pakiramdam ko tuloy kinuha iyon ng mga kasamahan niya.

He took his phone out and called someone.

“I got her. I’ll head out now with her,” aniya saka iyon pinatay.

We took the elevator. Six…Fifth…Fourth…Third…Second…First… He’s now heading out of the hotel, which gave me the idea that he’s already informed all of his men that he already has me. Lalo na’t wala nang naroon.

“Don’t do anything drastic,” he whispered.

The next thing I knew, he had already put a gun at the side of my head, which was the gun he dismantled. The gun with no bullets at all. A play to trick the police. All of them.

His arm was wrapped around my neck, and I saw the police calculating his moves as soon as we went out of the parking lot. I saw Sullivan, who looked so angry as he tried to walk toward me but was immediately pulled away by his bodyguards.

“Shoot that fucker!” he shouted angrily.

The police calmed him down. Tiningnan ko si Sullivan at inilingan. He looked so desperate and disappointed while his bodyguards were trying to stop his movements so he couldn’t run to me.

“No one move,” he threatened.

Gumalaw ang panga ni Sullivan. The familiar police signaled all of them not to even pull any stunt, making sure that Trison won’t be trigger and hurt me.

Ramdam kong walang kumukurap. Alisto si Trison. Ang mga pulis na nakastand by roon ay walang nagawa. He was moving smoothly to one of the parked cars as he pulled the door open, lets me in, which he went in as well.

Hindi ko alam kung kaninong kotse ‘to. But the way he manipulated it, I could really sense that he’s used to owning cars, even if they weren’t his own. May isinaksak lamang siya na hindi ko na nasundan ng tingin pa. And I know that wasn’t even a key!

How did he…

“This is the OBD port where you could plug a device and reprogram your own key fob until seconds later, it’s all yours,” he said as the car roared.

Tiningnan ko ang itinuro niya. At talagang tinuturuan niya ako, huh? But then, I immediately glared at him.

“You’re hijacking cars you do not own,” matigas kong sabi.

“You have forgotten that I am wanted. Kailangan ko pa bang pumunta sa kompanya at doon mismo bumili ng kotse habang hinahabol ng mga pulis?” Saka niya pinaharurot ang kotse paalis sa parking lot.

I cannot believe that I witnessed all of it! I can’t believe that I’m with him! And I can’t believe I willingly came with him!

Tiningnan ko si Sullivan na nagwawala na habang lumalayo kami at lumalabas. He was pointing at the car and seems like ordering the police right away to chase after us. Pinaharurot agad ni Trison palabas doon.

“Your boyfriend?” He glanced at me.

Umirap ako. “None of your business.”

“He can’t even save you,” may panunuya sa tinig niya at tumingin na sa harap.

Paglabas sa parking lot, ang agaran kong nakita ay ang checkpoint at ang mga militar na nagkalat. Instead of slowing down, he increased the speed of his car, which made me gasp and cursed.

“Seatbelt,” he glanced at me.

Shit! Nagmamadali kong hinila ang seatbelt. May mga nag-aambang pumigil sa harap ngunit sa desperasyon niya, pinaharurot niya ang kotse hanggang lumagpas iyon sa checkpoint.

He put the cigarette back on his lips as his eyes went up to check on what was happening. Lumingon ako sa likuran at nakitang humahabol na sila. There were motorcycles and trucks.

“Just surrender!” I insisted and looked at him.

Hindi siya nakinig sa akin at niliko bigla ang kanyang kotse sa masikip na daan. Halos pumikit ako dahil pakiramdam ko may masasagasaan siya ano mang oras! O mababangga kami bigla!

Noong dumilat ako ay niliko niya ulit at nilagpasan ang iilang kotse. I glanced at the back and saw the other military group, joined by the police, chasing after him. May dalawang nangunguna at iyon ang nagpapaligsahang humabol sa amin.

He tossed his cigarette out of the window, tilted his head a bit to see the rear view mirror, and maneuvered the car on the other side of the street.

“Another Ferrarin.” Iling niya sa sarili.

Narinig ko ang pagtunog ng kanyang phone. Pinindot niya ang harap at nakita ko ang bumalandrang unknown number.

“The head of the military and the private armed group of that Ferrarin are chasing after you. That’s most of their men.”

Si Arkaine? Tumingin akong muli sa salamin at may nangunguna ngang mga kotse na humahabol.

“Park my Chevrolet somewhere in Batangas. ‘Yun ang gagamitin ko,” ani Trison sa lalakeng hindi ko kilala ang tinig.

He ended the call and answered another one.

“Where are you? Wala kana raw sa room mo?” It was the voice of a man.

“Call the president and negotiate,” aniya. “I’ll give them a week.”

Lumunok ako. A week. Which means… I have more days…to do this.

“And find me another team,” dagdag ni Trison.

“You left your team?”

“They’re useless. Isang babae lang…” Saka ako nilingon ni Trison at bumaba ang tingin sa aking braso. “Natagalan pa.”

“You’re heartless, son,” the man chuckled.

Son. He’s talking to his father! The boss of the syndicate he’s in!

“How are they going to come out of the hotel if you’ve taken the girl with you? You should have… let them escape first.”

“Problema na nila ‘yon.”

“And how about the girl? Is she with you right now? You can have her as your own stress reliever total… hindi natuloy ‘yung kay Leonel.”

“Stress reliever?” Bahagya siyang natawa. “I don’t like a pain in the ass woman. I’ll find someone else.” Saka ako inangatan ng kilay ni Trison. “This one seems…hard to deal with and not submissive at all.”

I glared at him. Did he just… insulted me? Hindi lamang iyon. He…rejected me? Not that I want to become his stress reliever, pero may parte sa akin ang talagang naiinsulto.

“Wait, dad. Russel is calling.” Saka siya muling may pinindot sa harap.

“There’s another player, damn it!”

Umangat ang kilay ni Trison at tumingin sa itaas ng salamin.

“Alin diyan?”

“That black BMW! Kaya mo ba ‘yang lusutan?”

“Give me some shortcuts. Send more distractions. I’ll ditch this car after an hour,” kalmado niyang sabi at muling niliko sa kung saang daan.

“Get to Batangas right away. I’ll leave your Chevrolet there,” ang lalake na katawagan niya.

Batangas? Naroon ba… ang factory nila? Ang kuta nilang lahat?

Chapter 30

Any

Ako ang nenenerbyos sa sobrang bilis ng kanyang pagmamaneho. Knowing that he hijacked an ordinary car that wasn’t meant for racing, its speed wasn’t fast compared to a sports car.

Ngunit dahil halos full speed na siya sa madilim na daan, ang mga umiilaw sa likod na mabibilis ang paghabol, minsan ay gusto kong tumili nang iniliko niya iyon sa masukal na daan.

Goddamn it! Mamamatay na yata ako! Oo at binuhay niya ako, pero sa paraan ng pagmamaneho niya, pakiramdam ko itatawid niya ito ano mang oras sa bangin at malalaglag kami sa tubig!

Noong lumingon ako, wala nang halos ilaw na humahabol sa likod lalo na’t ni isa, wala na akong naaninag pa. He successfully escaped them.

“Nahihilo ako!” I shouted and covered my mouth.

Umangat ang kilay niya at bumagal. I glared at him.

“Sumuka ka sa paanan—”

“Stop the fucking car!” I shouted desperately.

Hindi ako susuka rito at dito rin uupo sa ilang minuto!

Tumingin siyang muli sa itaas ng salamin, nang makitang masyadong madilim, dahan dahan niyang ipinark iyon sa magubat na parte.

I immediately pushed the door open and went out as I ran to the corner and started vomiting some water.

I was so dizzy that I realized I hadn’t eaten since earlier at the party. At ilang minuto na rin ba ang lumipas? Kahit tubig man lang… wala.

Nilingon ko si Trison sa likuran. Nakasandal siya sa may kotse at nakapamulsang nanonood sa akin. Kahit madilim, kita ko siya.

“Nahihilo ka pa rin?” he asked. “Or maybe you’re… pregnant?”

Umirap ako at tumayo na ng tuwid. He took his cigarettes out, including his lighter.

“Take a puff to reduce your nausea and vomiting,” aniya sabay lahad sa akin noon.

“Is that drugs? You want me to take drugs?”

He rolled his eyes. “This is just an ordinary cigarette. Nicotine is addictive but not addictive enough to put you behind bars if you get caught taking it…”

“Pero may nakukulong pa rin dahil naninigarilyo.”

“If you’re in public and there’s a smoking ban in the place. But that’s just a normal cigarette,” patuloy niya.

I took it from his hand and glared at him again. Ngunit noong tingnan ang sigarilyo, kumalma din naman nang pakiramdam ko nasusuka na naman ako.

I took it in between my lips and puffed it, but I started coughing as I didn’t know how to even do it properly.

“Inhale it slowly…” aniya.

Muli ko iyong sinubukan. May nalanghap ako pero nauubo ko pa ring naibuga ang usok. Kinuha rin iyon ni Trison sa aking kamay at inilagay sa gitna ng mga labi niya.

“That’s enough. Just get some fresh air…” aniya at pinitik din naman ang sigarilyo sa daan pagkatapos iyong hithitin.

The cold wind blew, so I hugged myself since I was still wearing my sleeveless dress. Tumingin ako sa paligid at talagang madilim ang parteng hindi ko na alam kung nasaan kami.

Napabalik lamang ang tingin ko sa kanya nang may inilagay siya sa aking balikat at nawala agad ang lamig habang napapalitan na iyon ng init dala ng kanyang coat na ipinatong.

I looked at the black shirt that was left in him, which was still opened. Para bang hindi alintana sa kanya ang lamig, na kaya niyang tiisin iyon, o hindi iyon sapat para lang ginawin siya.

Binawi ko ang tingin at tumingala sa langit. Nagniningning ang mga bituin. I rested at his side against the car he’s leaning against while he rested his elbows at the head of it and looked at the sky too.

“Bakit ito ang pinili mo?” I asked quietly.

Tahimik siyang tumingin sa langit. The last time we’d seen each other, I wished that he would find his own happiness. But is he… happy?

“Trison… this is wrong,” mahinahon kong sabi, nananalangin na sana sa pagkakataong ito, makinig siya.

“Who said this is right?” may panunuya sa tinig niya ngunit hilaw ang lumandas na ngiti sa labi sa kabila ng pagiging seryoso niya.

“Then why are you still doing this?”

He glanced at me. I could feel our distance even when he was just inches away from me. Pakiramdam ko… para akong langit na nakadungaw sa pinakailalim na impyerno para lang makita siya. Ganoon ka layo ang agwat namin sa isa’t isa na kahit gusto ko siyang maabot, parang imposible.

“I thought you didn’t want to become your father?”

“I’m worse than him…” pag-amin niya.

Binasa niya ang labi at ibinalik ang tingin sa langit.

“Trison… tutulungan kita… k-kukumbinsihin ko si Arkaine na… tulungan ka. Maaaring bumaba ang sintensya mo, o may iba pang paraan para… para…”

Trison laughed. “I’ve been on the streets for years, Ferrarin. You talked like a police officer. Don’t give me that bullshit.”

It was frustrating that I knew what he meant but was still trying to find a way to make it easy for him.

“You know what deception is?”

Tumango ako. “To deceive someone…”

“Exactly. That’s the main tactic of the police to get the criminal’s trust. Kung pulis ako, at kriminal ka, kung sinabi ko ba sa’yong sumuko ka lang at ako ang bahala sa buhay mo, hindi ka makukulong, maniniwala ka ba sa akin?”

I nodded slowly.

“Then you’re fucked. That’s part of the tactics. And you think I would believe them if they told me they would help me out once I surrender? No.”

“Pero paano kung…”

“My criminal record will put someone’s position at a higher rank once they catch me by themselves. Of course they would do everything for that power.”

“But what if… they’re really willing to help you?! What if… you just needed to trust them?”

“Kung ginawa ko ‘yan, matagal na sana akong nasa hukay ngayon. I’m a criminal. They won’t treat you like a victim in spite of your reasons,” he chuckled.

Bumuntonghininga ako. It felt surreal that I was so calm while being with the most hustling criminal existing now. Kahit anong gawin kong makaramdam ng takot sa kanya, na sana ay maisip kong masama nga siya, at malayong malayo na sa dating kilala ko, ngunit naroon pa rin ang kaonting pananalig sa akin na siya pa rin ang Trison na iyon.

Or maybe this is really what they called being blind. Iyong isinampal na sa’yo ang katotohanan, nagbubulagbulagan ka pa rin sa kasinungalingan.

Umalis din naman agad kami roon. Hindi na ako ganoong nahihilo lalo na’t banayad nalang ang pagpapatakbo niya. He even had the guts to go to a fast food chain so we could order food.

“Kumakain ka ba nito? Hindi tayo makakapagrestaurant kaya huwag kang mag-inarte,” he reminded after he gave the food to me.

Kumakalam ang sikmura ko. Kahit hindi naman kumakain sa fast food talaga lalo na’t sanay ako sa luto ng chef, ngunit wala akong magagawa ngayon.

“Minsan naman ay nagbuburger ako sa New York lalo na kung hectic ang schedule ko,” sabi ko habang inilalabas ang in-order niyang iilang burger, spaghetti, at tatlong meal na hindi ko muna binuksan dahil kinuha ko ang large na fries.

“Right… you’re a supermodel.” Tila ba unti-unti niyang naalala kung sino ako.

Noong mabanggit iyon, agaran kong naalala si Macy. Her supposed perpetrator is just beside me.

Umawang ang aking labi, handa na siyang prangkahin doon at marinig mismo sa kanya kung anong totoong nangyari, but then I closed my mouth.

Why am I… giving him the benefit of the doubt in that case? Nakita kong lumapit siya kay Macy. At ibinalita iyon. To think that Leonel was captured, which means he indeed tried to buy Macy.

Ayokong madismaya lalo dahil alam ko naman ang sagot. He’s a criminal. There’s no valid reason for this. Kahit pang sabihin ko na baka bunga lamang ito ng nangyari sa kanyang ina, pero hindi iyon sapat na rason para maging ganito siya.

Dahil kung magiging basehan lagi ang nakaraan kaya sila naging masama, wala nang silbi ang batas.

I munched the fries while my mind was haywire. Nasa labas ng bintana ang tingin ko at mukhang shortcuts ang mga dinadaanan niya dahil hindi pamilyar sa akin ang mga nakikita ko.

I slept on my seat after eating the burger and the fries. Nagising lamang ako noong maramdamang naiihi.

As soon as I opened my eyes, the first thing that I saw was the sunrise peeking over the horizon. Lumingon ako sa gilid at nakita ang nakahiga ring upuan ni Trison habang nakahiga siya roon. He’s folding his arms while he’s facing my side as he sleeps peacefully.

My eyes drifted to his dress shirt, which he hadn’t even buttoned. Ang kanyang coat ay ginawa niyang kumot sa akin.

I looked at his face for a while. He looked peaceful, but at the same time, you could still feel his intensity because of his thick brows and his massive body.

“Morning,” he whispered raspily.

Namilog ang mga mata ko nang mapagtantong gising siya at nakapikit lamang. O… nararamdaman niya? Is that how alert he was—that even when he sleeps, he can feel his surroundings?

Dumilat siya kaya tumikhim ako at umupo.

“Naiihi ako,” sabi ko saka binuksan na ang pinto.

The darkness is still blending with the little light in the middle of dawn. Malamig ang ihip ng hangin at halos nagsitayuan ang balahibo ko nang nag-amba akong buksan ang pinto.

“We’ll go to a gas station. Doon na,” aniya.

I closed the door again as he pulled the seat back into its position and started the engine again.

Nagtungo kami sa malapit na gas station. Agad akong bumaba at tumingin tingin sa paligid. It was still early in the morning, so there was really no one. Baka nasa alas sais pa lang?

Nilingon ko ang kotse ni Trison. His windows were down as he watched me walk to the comfort room. As if I’m gonna run when that’s not my main plan here.

Pumasok ako sa comfort room at halos ngumiwi sa sarili. I may have looked pretty and hot, but I looked so terrible that I’m still wearing the dress from yesterday! I should change!

Umihi ako at nagpasya na ring maghilamos pagkatapos. I saw a woman entering. Kumuha ako ng tissue at nag-amba nang lumabas nang may biglang pumasok sa isip ko.

Nakita ko si Trison na nakahalukipkip sa may kotse niya at hinihintay ako. Bumalik agad ako sa comfort room at tumingin sa babae.

“Uh… miss… pwede bang… makihiram ng phone?”

The woman looked at me curiously, but she slowly nodded and took her phone out of her bag.

Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko at patingin tingin sa pinto dahil baka biglang sumulpot si Trison. When the woman handed me her phone, I immediately found her Messenger app and manipulated it as I entered my account.

Mabilis kong hinanap ang pangalan ni Arkaine at halos idasal na sana may oras siyang tingnan man lang iyon.

Ako:

Chevrolet car! Nasa Batangas.

I heard a footstep nearing. I wanted to type more words, but I knew those were enough, so I immediately logged it out and gave it back to the woman.

“Here. Thanks…” sabi ko at mabilis nang lumabas.

I saw Trison almost enter. Sa sobrang lakas ng kalabog ng aking dibdib, pakiramdam ko hihimatayin ako nang tumagilid ang ulo niya at sumilip kung anong nasa loob.

“I want new clothes. I don’t like wearing this for the rest of the trip,” sabi ko at naunang maglakad.

Mariin ang pikit ko at halos ipagdasal na sana ay wala siyang napansing kakaiba. Shit. Tapos na akong umihi pero pakiramdam ko maiihi ako sa pinaggagagawa ko.

When I felt Trison follow me, I calmed down.

I was assuming that the NBI would at least track him down. But it seems like Trison is a hustler in this field and knows what to do to avoid getting caught.

Tumigil kami sa isang divisoria. He parked the car like he was just like the rest, a normal person wanting to buy something in a public market, as we blended with the crowd.

Iginala ko ang tingin ko. Walang ka pulis pulis. Pilit kong pinagana ang aking utak ngunit dahil nakabantay si Trison, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magagawa nang hindi niya ako nahuhuli.

He bought two hats and two sunglasses. He took some money from his pocket and handed it to the vendor as he wore the other cap to my head while he wore his and put some glasses on.

“Magbihis ka. I’ll buy you some t-shirts and pants.”

“A dress,” giit ko.

“A dress? Let me remind you that you’re not on the runway, angel. Hindi ka rarampa,” he said with a sarcasm dripping in his voice as he stopped on another boutique with lots of mannequins displayed wearing some t-shirts.

“I want a dress, whether you like it or not,” I hissed.

Ang inaamba niyang ituro sa tindera ay naputol lalo na’t naglakad ako paalis doon. Sumunod agad siya sa akin. If I ran at the moment, I would only mess up my plan. Kailangan kong sumama sa kanya hanggang dalhin niya ako sa mismong pinagtataguan nila. So I should stick with him. Whether I like it or not.

May nakita akong puting simpleng plain na sleeveless black dress kaya iyon ang itinuro ko sa kanya. He arched his brow first, while I arched mine too. He took his wallet out and walked toward the dress as he pointed it while talking to the woman, who’s now mesmerized by him.

Lumingon lingon ako. Kaso hindi lang naman agad nakakagawa ng hakbang ay nasa harapan ko na siya agad.

May nadaanan kaming stall noong pabalik na sa kotse. Our eyes both went to the orange eggs and fishballs, which seemed very familiar.

“You want that?” he asked in a calm voice.

“Kung hindi mo ako papatayin, then feed me. Or else I’ll really die one of these days…”

Ngumiwi siya sa akin at hinila na ako roon. Kumalam agad ang tiyan ko habang binabayaran niya na iyon.

“Pamilyar ka,” the young girl pointed out while looking at me.

Kumalabog ang dibdib ko. Trison glanced at me calmly.

“May kamukha ba? Napagkakamalan siya lagi. ‘Yung supermodel…” Ngisi ni Trison at swabeng nakipag-usap.

“Oo! ‘Yung supermodel na si Estiece!”

“Maraming nagsasabi…” Trison smiled and handed the money to her.

“Ang ganda po kasi ng girlfriend niyo! Akala ko talaga siya!”

Trison only chuckled. So this is how he conversed with those people he tricked, huh?

Pagkatapos ibigay ng cellophane na may laman ng aming order, at isang supot din na buko juice, ipinasuot niya na sa akin ang shades para makabalik agad sa sasakyan.

Just as we were heading to the car, we spotted a group of police roving around the corner.

Hinila agad ako ni Trison sa kabilang daan at inakbayan ako habang ang kanyang kamay ay itinulak ang aking ulo payuko.

He seems so used to this kind of life that he doesn’t even panic or flinch when he sees a police officer. At sa mga galaw niya, hindi mo man lang pagdududahan na may iniiwasan siya lalo na’t minsan nagagawa niya pang pasimpleng tumingin sa paninda habang dumadaan sa aming likod ang iilan pang pulis.

Pasimple akong lumingon sa mga pulis ngunit hinila na ulit ako ni Trison. I bowed my head a bit as they passed into us while eyes roamed around, as Trison, like an air, passed into them while pulling me.

Mariin akong pumikit sa bilis ng kalabog ng dibdib ko. I felt like I was on the run as well and was afraid to get caught because of my pounding heart.

Noong makabalik sa kotse at unti-unti nang umalis doon, nakahinga na ako nang maluwag.

“How do you even live like this?” Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. “You’re always on the run. It’s like you can’t even breathe.”

Hindi iyon sinagot ni Trison. Hindi ko alam kung saan na ulit ang destinasyon niya ngunit nang makita ko ang pagbaba namin sa isang hotel, talagang kumunot ang noo ko.

I was more curious about his movements than the place we went. Just like how he conversed earlier, ganoon din ang naging takbo.

“Jacque Romanov, Sir?” the woman at the front desk asked while manipulating the computer.

“That’s right, gorgeous.” He smiled.

Ang babae na kuryoso ang titig sa impormasyon niya ay mabilis na napalingon kay Trison at napangiti. And there, she got so distracted that she immediately gave him the key to the room.

“Thanks…” he said while letting his fingers graze the woman’s finger.

Umiling ako at pairap na naunang naglakad.
I realized how he gets away sometimes. Or how he slowly distracts the woman using his charm. It was his natural charm, the sex appeal he radiates, that seemed so blinding when he started looking at you, as if there was a wild scene running in his mind and you were already screaming both in pain and pleasure.

“You’re getting too comfortable moving while you’re with me. Stick to me all the time,” ani Trison nang maramdaman ko siya sa likod ko.

“Sure, Jacque Romanov,” I taunted and smiled sarcastically.

“What? Should I register Wallace Serrano? Coz seconds later the assault team would be on the doorstep ransacking the room,” aniya sabay ipinadulas ang card key sa pinto at itinulak iyon pabukas.

Hindi na ako sumagot pa at pumasok na sa hotel, deritso sa kanilang banyo lalo na’t nangangati na akong maligo.

I used their toiletries, which made me sigh in relief as soon as the water hit my body. Pumikit ako at itinulak ang buhok paatras habang iniisip ang nangyayari.

Did Arkaine see my message? I hope so. Lalo na’t mukhang ang destinasyon namin pagkatapos rito ay sa Batangas na. Pagdating doon, doon ulit ako maghahanap ng paraan para makabigay ulit ng impormasyon sa kanya.

I should have known where we were headed. Lalo na’t pakiramdam ko, naroon ang factory nila. Ang pinagtataguan nilang lahat. Of course, where would he go right now?

I wore the bathrobe and went out while I saw him drinking another glass of champagne while watching the news. And he’s all over the headline again.

Imagine it, binabalita at pinapakalat ang mukha mo na most wanted ka at may kinidnap na babaeng kusa palang sumama, that’s shocking. And here he is, watching it as if it was his favorite series and he seems so invested.

“I don’t have…” sabi ko na ikinalingon niya.

“A what?”

“Underwears…” I shrugged.

I saw how he tried to process the words as if they didn’t register in his mind right away.

“At hindi pa nalalabhan ang damit na binili mo. I might get rash…”

He sipped the remaining drink as if he were still thinking of a solution.

“No one would know if you don’t wear any. Aside from me—”

“I need panties,” I cut him off aggressively.

“You think I could shop?” He arched his brow.

“Then I am not leaving the hotel without any.” Humalukipkip ako.

“I am not planning to get on your pants if that’s what your concern here—”

“I don’t want to walk outside with no panties on!” Halos mamula ako sa sigaw ko.

Ngumuso siya at nag-iwas ng tingin.

“You’re good at snicking! Buy me one,” giit ko.

“Really? Now you’re demanding to use my field of expertise just for your panties… You are now a guilty bystander on the crime scene…” nanunuya ang tinig niya.

“I just want some panties! Ukay-ukay ‘yung binili mo tapos hindi pa ako komportable sa tela! I’m used to wearing silk! Cotton irritates my skin. And worse, I don’t even have any panties—”

“And where’s the underwear you wore—”

“Disgusting! I am not repeating that!”

Bumuntonghininga si Trison. “Hey, Ferrarin. Let me remind you that—”

“I need panties, Trison. That’s it.” Putol ko.

Naiwang nakaawang ang labi niya saka niya iyon dahan dahang idinikit sa isa’t isa. He ran his finger through his hair as the side of his cheek bubbled. He looked problematic.

Dumeritso ako sa telepono at tiningnan ang menu nila para makapag-order na ng sarili kong pagkain. Trison shook his head, until, seconds later, he walked to the door.

“Don’t even do anything drastic, or else we’ll both leave the hotel while you’re not wearing any underneath,” aniya saka tuluyang lumabas.

Bibili lang din naman pala ang dami dami pang sinasabi!

Chapter 31

Warning:
R-18

Deception

Kumakain ako ng salad habang nakaupo sa sofa at nanonood ng palabas noong pumasok siyang muli. He went out for maybe half an hour.

He tossed the paper bags on the table and took his cap out of his head. Inilapag ko ang bowl at sinilip ang loob noon. Calvin Klein…

And, oh wow, he bought some clothes too. Some white dress shirts. Nakita kong may binili rin siyang boxers for himself.

“See? Even you can’t repeat clothes, and you’re urging me to repeat mine.” I rolled my eyes while taking the underwear out to check if it had my size.

And yes, he got it right too. Wow. An expert.

“Paano mo nalaman na size ko ‘to? From the girls you slept with in the past?” I asked in a mocking voice.

“Just take it on and stop talking about your panties,” aniya at kinuha rin ang kanya sa loob.

I’m a bit relieved that I do not need to wear the dress we bought earlier because he got me an expensive one. Still, it’s not yet washed, but at least I won’t get any rash since it’s a silk button-down dress shirt. And oh… he even included some cycling!

He also bought shoes for me. It’s just a simple white Nike sneaker. At noong kinalkal ko ang isa pang paperbag, medyo nagulat ako sa laman. He bought Jo Malone perfume and a lip moisturizer.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “You’ve watched my latest vlog on Vogue?”

“Your what?” He arched his brow.

Hindi ko masilip sa ekspresyon niya na mukha siyang guilty, but I have the evidence here! He’s just good at acting like he’s not guilty at all!

“I mentioned in my interview that I cannot live without a perfume and a lip moisturizer. And you bought… these…”

“You’re a woman. A supermodel. Hindi ko na kailangang hulaan kung gaano ka kaarte.”

I examined his expression carefully. There’s no trace of any expression, but I could assume that he has watched it, and my instinct says he has!

“Well… right. Coz imagine it, you’re on the run, a wanted and a hustling criminal, as what they said, but you’re watching my vlog. Is that how you spent your free time?” kaswal kong sabi sa nanunuyang paraan habang abala siyang kunin ang iilan niyang pinamili sa isang paperbag.

“You know what, just get dressed.” Saka siya tumalikod at naglakad na patungo sa banyo.

Sumunod ang tingin ko sa kanya. When he entered and closed the door, we locked eyes for a while. Noong sumara iyon nang tuluyan, talagang naghihinala ako.

Out of all the expensive perfumes, he got Jo Malone. The scent I mentioned in my vlog was the Nectarine and Honey Cologne. And the lip moisturizer. Bakit hindi polbo ang naisipan niya hindi ba? As I’ve said in my vlog, kahit pa nasa bingit ako ng kamatayan, ang mahalaga, moisturize ang labi ko at mabango ako. I would not mind dying right then…

Nagbihis din ako. I also blow-dried myself and used the other skincare provided by the hotel. I put the moisturizer on my lips until they became pinkish and glossy.

I rubbed the perfume I put on my pulse at the sides of my neck, including at the back of my knee.

He knocked on the door, so I got up. The first thing I smelled was the shower gel he used. Tumikhim ako lalo na’t topless lamang siya. This time, I saw the tattoo clearly resting on his chest. It looked so minimal, and at the same time, I cannot believe I find it hot.

“Let me borrow your perfume.” Sabay lahad niya sa kanyang kamay.

“You didn’t buy yours?” tanong ko.

Umangat ang kilay niya. Ngumuso ako nang maalalang oo nga pala… pera niya iyon.

I sighed and walked back to the table. Nilingon ko ang may pinto na ngayon ay malaki na ang siwang lalo na’t tumayo siya sa gilid at humalukipkip doon.

I could still see the trickling water on his stomach and his wet hair that were brushed backwards, while his biceps looked so brutal as he folded his arms to his chest, his head resting at the side of the door.

Nailing ako kung gaano ka rahas at ka lala ang tindig niya. I wonder how many people he headlocked with that… bicep of him.

“You’ve worn your panty?” he asked tauntingly.

Irita ko siyang nilingon muli.

“Why don’t you check?” I taunted back.

My eyes immediately went to his biceps as they drifted to the crack of his stomach while the water kept on trickling down.

“And of course I did. Sino bang magsusuot nito? Unless you’re interested in wearing it?” nanunuyang ngiti ko.

He scoffed as his little laugh mingled with it. Binasa niya ang pang-ibabang labi at muling tumingin sa akin.

“I’m more used to taking them off instead…” he said cockily.

I rolled my eyes and looked at the table again, curious about what I’d been looking for. I got so distracted that my mind was now empty just because I looked at him and he was conversing with me playfully.

“But not mine,” I bragged.

“And you think I’m interested in taking your panty off?” he asked in a husky voice.

Muli akong lumingon sa kanya. The playful smile was now stretching on his lips. His eyes were sensual as I saw him grazing them down to my body. As if he were looking at an art that he finds so sexy but admires at the same time.

“With that look, you seem thirsty…” I smiled.

Binasa niya ang labi at nakaangat ang kilay. Umalis siya sa pagkakasandal kaya medyo naalarma ako nang maglakad siya patungo sa akin. Tumikhin ako at ibinalik ang tingin sa harap ng lamesa. Now I can’t think straight about what I’m trying to find here.

Seconds later, I already felt his intensity behind me. His shower gel lingered on my nose, which was the same shower gel I used. I couldn’t feel his massive body pressing against mine, but I swear to God, I could feel the heat coming from him!

He crouched a bit until his face leveled with mine at the side. His hand moved and took the perfume that I put on the table, until I remembered that it was what he wanted.

He sniffed a bit and glanced at my neck. His eyes grazed down, and I could see it from my peripheral vision.

Lumingon ako kay Trison. His gaze remained emotionless. Ngunit sa pagkakataong iyon, I caught his pretentious act. This is just his facade to be unbothered. And I think he’s been doing this for quite some time now to hide the truth behind this reeking evilness.

I looked at his lips and slowly grazed them back to his gray eyes. His Adams apple waved a bit while I could sense the strong control, as if he were put into a test he needed to win by… avoiding something more dangerous.

Nagkatitigan kami ng matagal. I could sense the restraint in him. That he would never cross his boundary. Ngunit hindi ko lamang binubuksan ang pinto lalo na’t ako mismo ang humihila sa kanya papasok. Ako mismo ang nag-uudyok.

I realized his danger wasn’t the most terrifying thing, but rather the risk I was ready to put him in. The danger that is daring his chaos to win against me. To see who is more hustling between us.

Humarap ako sa kanya ng buo. His chest moved a bit as he heaved a sigh. I could read his body language. He seems to be in full control of the uncontrollable heat spreading throughout his body.

Tumingin ako sa kanya saglit saka ko inilandas ang daliri ko sa hubog ng katawan niya. Gumalaw ang kanyang panga at nahulog ang tingin sa hagod ng daliri ko.

My pointing finger traced the cracks on his stomach as his eyes weren’t now steady. He’s almost snapping. Para bang kahit anong patay niya sa apoy, kumakalat iyon sa bawat sulok ng kanyang katawan.

He looked at me with full of needs. I was like a feast in front of him to satisfy his insatiable habit and find pleasure in the dark… a crave he’s controlling or else he’ll get addicted more…

“What’s the reason why you tattooed my eyes?” I asked as my fingers went to the tattoo on the left side of his chest.

Pinanood niya ang haplos ng daliri ko. My eyes lifted to watch his eyes as my finger caressed it upwards to his neck. Trison submissively lifted his head and looked at me.

I leaned against the table as I rested my other hand, which his body unconsciously followed as he leant forward, crouching as if I were a magnet that was dragging him toward me, until we’d press into each other as he craved more of that touch I made.

Nakasandal na ang pwetan ko sa gilid ng mesa habang ang mga kamay niya ay inilagay niya sa bawat gilid ko. Nanatiling nakahawak sa gilid ng leeg niya ang kamay ko, titig na titig sa apoy sa mga mata niyang nag-aalab.

His head leans more, tilting it while his eyes drift to my eyes drunkenly as he grazes the tip of his nose against my nose.

“The tattoo… is a reminder,” he whispered against my lips.

A reminder of…

As much as I want to clarify it, I was already too distracted by the way he parted his lips. I parted my lips as I dizzily looked at his. My heart was pounding so loudly that when he was about to stand up, I pulled his nape until our lips crashed.

“Fuck,” he whimpered against my mouth.

It was an addiction he wanted to stop, but I shoved it at him willingly. An addiction I tolerated. An addiction I wanted to replace for the bad things he has done just to pull him from where he was, when right at that moment as he pressed his body against mine, I felt like the angel who danced with the demon while the heavens crammed on hell.

I kissed him, thirsty. He kissed me with liberation. Like a long-term prisoner who was recently granted parole, and I am that ignorant who only recently discovered why lust was one of the immoral things to do. It was because, like a narcotic, as soon as you took it, you wanted more.

I may not have tolerated his other sinful things, but I was such a hypocrite for giving him another obsession.

Inangat niya ako ng kaonti hanggang makaupo ako sa table. He pulled my thighs until my softness was pressed against his massivity, and he shoved his tongue into my mouth as he kissed me deeply.

I whimpered against his mouth because of the addicting heat that crawled throughout my body. To feel his thickness in my soft femininity felt so sinful. And I am so shameless for even grinding against it just to feel him more.

Compared to the kiss we shared in the past with just a smack, now that we were both adults, the lust in me wouldn’t be satisfied just by a mere shallow kiss. At alam ko, ganoon din si Trison.

Malalim ang hagod ng kanyang labi. He was kissing me like a water he needed to end the thirst as our deep breaths were mingling with our moving lips. His hand was now raking my hair, giving him more access so he could kissed me more, delving his tongue into the corners of my mouth as I played with it, wanting him to touch me so bad.

It was pure lust, with no trace of love at all, as if we only needed each other to satisfy our body by the heat that consumed us.

His hands were on my waist, and my hand was wrapped around his neck, making sure I’d consume him, making sure he’d stay as I tried to create heaven in his paradise of hell, convincing a demon to trust an angel when I knew I wasn’t the angel right at this moment. It was me who tempted him. And it was he who… got tempted.

Pumikit ako nang lumandas ang mga halik niya sa panga ko pababa sa leeg ko. My hands slipped on his bulge as I palmed it. He sucked on my skin while his hands were now slipping into my dress shirt.

I was anticipating it as I slipped my hand into his boxers, and his hand finally got in between my thighs.

“Thought you wouldn’t take off my panty?” I murmured sensually as I slowly pulled his shaft out.

“I could still touch you without taking it off,” he whispered back, grazing his finger against the thin fabric that made the heat spread in me like an arson throughout my body.

Muli niyang ibinalik ang labi sa akin. I shoved my tongue into his mouth as he played with it, and I stroked him clumsily as I couldn’t even grip it fully because it was becoming thicker. He’s big. Not just an ordinary big, but tremendously big that I couldn’t imagine it inside of me.

“I’d be more satisfied if you pulled it to the side,” I whispered in the middle of our kiss.

He did what I said submissively as he pulled it to the side and delved his two fingers into my wetness, his thick fingers sliding into my folds as I gasped at how it electrified my whole body.

Dumaing ako nang hinagod niya agad iyon. I was so pleased that my body wanted to pleasure him too as I directed the tip of his shaft to my entrance, and Trison, like a hustler, thumbed my numb while he pushed the tip to my wet folds teasingly without shoving it in fully and just letting it slide.

“I don’t have a condom,” he whispered.

I grinded against it as my lips parted and I shut my eyes.

“I’m safe…” I whispered.

“No,” bulong niya habang patuloy ang hagod sa akin.

I dug my nails into his biceps as my body reclined, and I just wanted to lay down on the table. Naitukod ko ang mga siko ko roon habang hawak niya ang magkabilang baywang ko at iginalaw iyon sa paraang parehas kaming makokontento kahit hindi niya iyon ipasok.

I shut my eyes while grinding against it as well. He crouched down and kissed the length of my neck. Parang may digmaang nagaganap sa pagitan ng anghel at demonyo. Sa sobrang init ng katawan ko, baka pag tumigil siya ngayon, magwawala ako.

“Trison! Damn it!” I shouted desperately.

He took me off the table, flipped my body, pushed my back, and put his leg between me as he pushed my foot until it parted. I gasped when I felt him shove his two fingers into my entrance.

“Cross your legs, angel,” he whispered huskily when he bent over and pinned himself against my back, his hand was now holding my jaw.

I closed my legs until I felt his thick shaft getting sandwiched just like what he wanted. He started moving his fingers as he thrust his shaft, which was now sliding continuously into my folds.

Mariin akong pumikit at halos kumapit sa dulo nang pakiramdam ko, sasabog agad ako sa pinaggagawa niya. I was like a possessed demon he was trying to tame as my back arched.

Natumba ang lip moisturizer ko at gumulong pababa sa table. Sinalo niya iyon nang hindi tumitigil ang isa niyang kamay at ang paggalaw niya, saka niya muling hinawakan ang panga ko.

Nilingon ko siya at inabot ang kanyang mukha. Yumuko siya at siniil muli ako ng halik. His tongue shoving back into my mouth felt like a poison I welcomed.

Trison groaned, and he was now banging it more aggressively, like an animal in heat, taking his fingers out and letting the tip of his shaft just taste the entrance continuously without even shoving it in.

He whimpered against my mouth until my legs trembled because of convulsing while I could hear the doorbell resonating all throughout out room. Shit. I panicked a bit, thinking that it would be the damn police and we’d be caught in the act!

“Trison!” I shouted.

“Just…” He shut his eyes, lifted his head a bit, and licked his lower lip when he parted it, as he didn’t even stop moving.

Muling nagdoorbell. I felt him convulse until it splashed down to my legs. I pulled myself up immediately while I panicked a bit as I took the bathrobe and wiped it on my legs.

Naglakad si Trison patungo roon, pinapasadahan ng haplos ang buhok, at nagawa pa akong lingunin habang taranta kong inaayos ang sarili.

“Bathroom,” he said.

Right!

Tumakbo ako patungo roon dala ang bathrobe at kabadong isinara iyon. I was panting so hard. Pakiramdam ko kung mga pulis iyon, isa pa yata ako sa dadamputin!

When I heard that there was no commotion, I slowly opened the door and tilted my head to see who it was.

May nakita akong lalake na nagtutulak ng cart. Si Trison ay nasa sofa na, nakahalukipkip at nakaparte ang mga hita.

He found my eyes peeking, so he tilted his head to see me more and patted his lap as if he’s coaxing me to sit there while his eyes looked sensual and playful. Oh damn him! Marahas kong isinara ulit ang pinto at nailing sa sarili. Siya dapat ang mahila mo, Ayeselle! Hindi ikaw!

Ilang minuto akong nagkulong sa banyo, na kung pwedeng ipautos na lang din ang pagkain papunta rito ay gagawin ko yata. And goodness, I am still aching for him! Ako na nasa bingit ng kamatayan, nagawa pang maging ganito!

Someone knocked that made me jump while looking at myself in the mirror. Tumikhim ako, inayos muli ang sarili, at binuksan ang pinto.

“Let’s eat. We’ll leave after it,” aniya sabay talikod sa akin.

I expected him to at least… pull me out of the bathroom or hold my elbow after what we did. But it seems like the demon is back on his throne again, reminding the angel that it wasn’t her seat after all.

Ang lakas ng loob mo, Ayeselle… Iisahan mo pa huh…

But did we even do that because we love each other? We both wanted something from each other, and we took the bait given to us. That’s not love. At all.

At… ayoko rin iyon ngayon. Ayokong may pumagitnang nararamdaman sa amin sa isa’t isa. If I fall into his darkness, I do not want my feelings for him to trap me. Hindi dapat puso ang pairalin ko ngayon kundi ang utak ko.

Nailing ako sa sarili at lumabas din naman. He was silent while eating. I was silent as well. Pakiramdam ko tuloy… nagsisisi siya? Hindi ko alam pero sa pananahimik niya… parang nabasa niya ang kilos ko at… dismayado siya sa sarili niya?

At parang… baliktad pa yata ang nangyayari. Pakiramdam ko siya ang bihag ko kaya mukhang napilitan na ngayon, at ako itong pinilit lang siya!

Well. He kissed back! And… he pressed himself against mine! He likes it too!

Right. That’s a positive outcome, Ayeselle. At least you know you can distract him while he’s on this cunning mission. Which means I could repeat this again to corner him in the future?

Deception. And I cannot believe I was using it right now just to get his full trust! Kung nalaman niya itong binabalak ko, alam kong may kalalagyan ng bala sa ulo ko. Lalo na’t sisirain ko lamang ang itinuring niya nang mundo.

Chapter 32

Part

“Let’s go,” si Trison nang binuksan ang pinto ng front seat habang tulala ako roon dahil sa iniisip kong nangyari sa hotel.

He put the cap on my head as I wore my shades again. Parehas kaming nakaputi ngayon. Some of the buttons on his dress shirt were opened, so the tattoo was a bit peeking.

Papalubog na ang araw. Nasa Batangas na kami at may pinuntahang lugar na hindi na naman pamilyar sa akin dahil masyadong liblib. He ditched the car again and parked it somewhere.

Hinila niya ang nakatakip na tela sa hinintuan naming garahe hanggang sa tumambad ang itim na Chevrolet Camaro niya. He opened the door of the back seat and took the plate number as he put it on the bumper. Wow. I can’t believe that… he’s really doing the small details just to not get caught.

Binuksan niya ang front seat at iginalaw ang ulo nang tingnan ako, pinapasakay na ako roon.

“Black Jaguar. Seems like the head of that private armed group has found your location. Check the Ferrarin. She’s probably wearing any device that she’s been tracking down.” Ang tinig ng lalakeng pamilyar noong pumasok si Trison sa driver’s seat at sinagot ang tawag.

Which means… Arkaine has seen my messages! Yey!

“How many players were there?” Trison asked, which I didn’t even understand at all. “How about that head of the military?”

“Negative. It seems like this woman is faster than them. Check your captive’s body. She must be hiding something,” the man urged.

Bumaling si Trison sa akin, nakaangat saglit ang kilay.

“I already did earlier. Negative,” he said nonchalantly.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Did he… what? He… used that opportunity to find something in me?

Para akong binuhusan ng tubig. Ang akala ko, sa oras na iyon, naisahan ko siya. That I was finally on top of him, conquering him, but all along… he only lets me sit, and I’m on top because he puts me there. Not because I overpowered him.

Oh damn it!

“Really? Search more?” the man chuckled.

Trison laughed a little. “Fuck you.”

Pinatay niya ang tawag at tumingin sa itaas ng salamin habang lumiliko na sa isa na namang shortcut.

Seconds later, I saw a Jaguar tailing behind us. Pinaharurot agad ni Trison ang kanyang kotse.

“You and your clan are always a pain in the ass.” Iling niya sa kanyang sarili.

“Because you’re on the wrong side, Mr. Serrano,” I said tauntingly.

“Really? What? Is this the woman’s card? That women are always right?” He glanced at me once, maneuvered his car to the left side, looked at the rear view mirror, and glanced at me again.

Sa halip na sagutin iyon, namangha ako. There’s a threat chasing after him, but he’s always calm, and he’s confident he’ll escape the Jaguar, which, if I’m not mistaken, is Arkaine.

“At sino bang nasa tama ngayon sa ating dalawa?” tanong ko nang maalalang nag-uusap pala kami.

“Your kiss tastes like you’d tolerate me…”

Humalakhak ako. “Talaga?” nanunuya kong tanong.

“Yup…” Saka niya muling tiningnan ang salamin.

“Edi… mauuto pala kita?” Ngiti ko.

Bumaling siya saglit, tila ba may naalala sa sinabi ko.

“So… that wasn’t a real kiss?” he confirmed.

“Why? You think I’ll kiss you like you’re my boyfriend? Yours was just part of the searching, right? Did your tongue find the device in my mouth when it stayed there for a long time?” mapang-uyam kong tanong.

“I haven’t. But I’ll check it again later,” sakay niya sa panunuya ko.

Oh, Trison and his cunning ways…

I understood now why they were having a hard time catching him. He’s not clumsy. Bawat gagawin niya, kalkulado niya. Imagine it. He took that opportunity while we were in heat to search my body, so he got my consent to touch me in places! But his fingers showing into me—that’s inpurpose at all!

Why would he put it in, right? It’s probably his decision because I turned him on.

Noong umiyak siya sa akin, noong niyakap ko siya, iyon lamang ang pagkakataong nasilip ko na may nararamdaman siya sa akin. But right now, he is more mysterious to me.

He didn’t violate me or cross the boundary, which is how Trison would treat me, but this man… I couldn’t sense Trison in him. Not even a slight warmth.

The Trison I met in the past has no sign of him. It seems like he locked him somewhere and even if we were together, I could feel a different persona. .

Dahil kung… si Trison ito… baka wala ako ngayon sa posisyong ito. I know because he will never do these things! Matalino siya. Alam niya ang tama at mali. At sa ginagawa niya ngayon, hindi ko na mahulaan kung ano ang rason.

Was it because of his mother’s death? I can’t believe he went to the extent of ruining his life, which his mother would never like.

“Where are you?” Isang tawag muli ang sinagot niya.

“Almost there. I’ll drop the woman on the highway. She’s useless.”

Napalingon ako kay Trison. He’s… what? Dropping me off?

“Dead or alive?” tanong ng kausap niya.

Halos mangilabot ako. I froze for a bit, and I couldn’t even say anything.

“Alive,” ani Trison nang walang emosyon sa mukha.

“Hmm… are you sure? She won’t snitch?”

“I didn’t say anything to her.”

“Alright. If that’s your decision. But why?”

“If I bring her with me, that Ferrarin won’t stop tracking me down. I’ll cut off some enemies since we need to stay more lowkey for the next shipment. They might attack in the middle of the delivery. I don’t want to put it to waste.”

“Your call, son…”

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Kung kusa akong sasama ngayon, parang… lalabas na… talagang may iba akong pakay. He might be eager to drop me more.

At mas mahihimigan niya nang nagkukusa akong sumama. Na may iba akong iniisip at binabalak. He might find out that… we were tracked because I left some evidence for Arkaine just for her to tail us.

Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko. Lalo na’t pinaharurot niya ang kotse sa highway at huminto rin sa gilid. In the middle of the highway, he’s dropping me off! I cannot believe him!

“Really? Talagang dito?” Nanliit ang mga mata ko.

“Get off the car,” malamig niyang sabi.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. He’s really serious.

Lumunok ako ng laway. I heard how he unlocked his car. Kung kaya niya akong itulak palabas, gagawin niya yata.

“I-Ihatid mo ako sa terminal! I don’t know this place!” I demanded.

“Your cousin will find you. Just wait for a minute.”

“What do you even mean—

“Your earrings.” He looked at my ear.

The earrings? Which Arkaine has given to me? And what about it?

“There’s a device in there to track you down.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko at nahaplos ang suot kong hikaw. Oh… what the… which means… Oh, what the hell?!

N-Narinig rin ba ni Arkaine ang ungol ko?! Really, Ayeselle? ‘Yan pa ang iniisip mo ngayon?

“Get off,” ulit niya, nasa harap pa rin ang tingin.

I swallowed hard. I haven’t gotten any information yet! I can’t just… stop now. Sa laki ng Batangas, hindi ko mahuhulaan kung saan ang factory nila.

May tawag na muling sumabog sa loob ng kotse niya. It was another unknown number which he answered.

“Your father told me you’re ditching her? Why?” He chuckled.

“Coz she might only put us all in trouble? Involving a Ferrarin means challenging their clan for a war. I’m getting tired with this woman too…”

Tired. It was just a simple word, but it cuts. Kahit… wala na naman akong nararamdaman sana sa kanya, at gusto lamang siyang tulungan, para bang hanggang dito nalang ang magagawa ko para sa kanya.

“Why? Sobrang sakit ba sa ulo?” Halakhak niya.

“I’ll be dropping her off now on the street.”

“Then? Who are we gonna use as a bait to convince the upper for our shipment? You know that they have warriors in the sea. Kung wala tayong hawak na alas, our shipment would be busted right away. Sobrang higpit na ng pagbabantay nila ngayon. Sikat ka kasi.”

Trison rolled his eyes, but there was a playful smile in him.

“I have another plan B. We’ll change the route,” ani Trison.

“Hmm… I’m fine with that. But I suggest dalhin mo nalang dito.”

“Why? You want her?” Trison chuckled mockingly.

“You know what I meant.”

“You know what, Russel? If this mission fails, I’ll be kicking your ass.”

“Chill. We could ditch the woman right after then. Just bring her here in Casa. I know you’re heartless with women, but be a little romantic, dude…”

Casa? Casa what in Batangas?

Trison scoffed, pulled the gear, and started the engine again as he maneuvered the car back on the highway.

Kumalma ako kahit papaano. Ilang beses akong hingi nakahinga habang nakikinig sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tinutukoy niya, at kung… sino ang babae?

Wait…

“Sino ‘yon?” tanong ko nang patayin niya na ang tawag.

Umangat agad ang kilay niya. “Why?”

Pinaharurot niyang muli ang sasakyan.

“Pamilyar ang boses…”

Hindi siya umimik at nanatili na ang tingin sa harap. Sa sobrang seryoso niya, pakiramdam ko, dahil iyon sa nangyari sa hotel?

Hindi ko alam pero… talagang ramdam ko ang pagiging seryoso ni Trison. It was his serious face in the past because I tore his research paper off, and he needed to find another way to comply with the task.

And attempting to drop me off on the street, I knew it was his anger that he wanted to get rid of me right away because he knew I would only put him in trouble.

“Take off your earrings.”

I sighed and did what he wanted. Isa isa ko iyong tinanggal at inabot sa kanya. Binuksan niya ang bintana at itinapon iyon.

“Kung alam mo naman pala na tracking device ‘yan, bakit ngayon mo lang kinuha sa akin?”

“To let them know that you’re still alive and I’m serious about the negotiation. They won’t cooperate if you’re dead, you know,” aniya.

Umangat ang kilay ko. “Bakit? Ganoon ka ba ka kriminal sa tingin nila na… iisipin nilang pinatay mo na ako?”

“Bakit? Hindi mo ba ‘yan iniisip sa akin?” May pagdududa sa tinig niya.

Natigilan ako.

“Are there some videos? Some proofs? Did you really kill someone?”

He only laughed, shook his head, and licked his lips. Hindi niya na iyon sinagot kaya tumahimik nalang din ako.

Nakita ko ang dulo at napagtantong checkpoint iyon at puno ng mga sundalo. My heart was banging against my chest. Bakit siya dadaan dito?! Nababaliw na ba siya?!

Nanliit ang mga mata ko sa kanya habang umaangat ang kilay ni Trison sa akin.

“You’d be caught,” I pointed out.

Bahagya siyang natawa. “Why? You don’t want it?”

Medyo natigilan ako. Why am I panicking anyway? It was really like I was the one who captured him, and I am more concerned now that some of the soldiers are now advancing on his car. Pumikit ako at huminga nang malalim.

“Just calm down. I don’t have any illegal firearms in me, nor drugs. With my fake identity, they won’t suspect anything,” aniya.

“Really? When you’re all over the news?”

“Go with the flow. And you’re my wife,” aniya habang umaabante na kami at lumalapit na ang mga sundalo sa harap ng kotse.

And what? A wife? How can he even justify that?

“Open the compartment,” aniya, tila ba nabasa ang nasa isip ko.

Binuksan ko iyon at may nakitang pamilyar na box. I opened it curiously. Tumingin si Trison sa labas ng bintana.

“Wear it,” namamaos niyang sabi.

Kumunot lalo ang noo ko lalo na’t… wedding ring iyon. At dalawa.

Trison advanced when the car left the line. It’s our turn! I immediately put it on and gave the ring to him. Kinuha niya iyon at isinuot. Inilapag ko ang mga kamay sa hita at malakas ang hataw ng dibdib ko, hindi na alam kung para ito saan. Sa nerbyos ba… o sa singsing na suot ko.

Binuksan ni Trison ang salamin ng bintana. Dumungaw ang sundong naka uniporme hawak ang mahaba nitong baril at mapanuri ang tingin sa loob.

“Good evening, boss,” bati ng sundalo nang tumingin kay Trison. “May ID ba kayo? For identification lang ho. Patingin din ang lisensya,” the man said in his friendly tone.

Trison nodded, took his wallet out, and handed over his license, including his ID.

Another police officer walked toward my side. Dumungaw siya sa bukas na salamin at ngumiti sa akin.

“Magandang gabi, Ma’am,” he greeted.

“G-Good evening.” I smiled a little, trying to appear less suspicious.

The man tilted his head while looking at me carefully.

“Ichecheck lang namin ang backseat, Sir Gutierrez. For check-up lang,” ang sundalo sa gilid ni Trison at ibinalik sa kanya ang ID niya.

Gutierrez? Damn it. Ang dami niyang ginagamit na fake IDs! I was having major anxiety while the other police officer was looking at me with curiosity while Trison was so unfazed by their superior demeanor!

“Ma’am? Pwede bang makita ang ID mo?”

Nilingon ko si Trison. Shit! I don’t have any! Ngunit may kinuha si Trison sa kanyang wallet at inilahad sa akin. Kinuha ko iyon at tiningnan na… ako iyon. And it’s Mrs. Ayesha M. Gutierrez.

Ibinigay ko iyon sa pulis at agaran niyang tiningnan. Lumingon ako sa likod lalo na’t nagf-flashlight na sila doon.

The soldier who took my ID with him used his walkie-talkie and mentioned my name.  Seconds later, another soldier walked up to us. Sinaluduhan niya iyon.

“Salamat, Sir. Ayos na,” the soldier said, checking the back seat.

“Teka lang! Lumabas muna kayo!” the soldier demanded aggressively and stood in his alert stance.

“Bakit?” the other police looked at him.

“Mukhang may kamukha ‘tong babae. Lumabas kayo!” Agaran niyang tinutukan ng baril ang pinto.

Naalarma ang ilang mga sundalo at nagsilapit na rin sa amin. In spite of the commotion, Trison remained calm, with no trace of being suspicious, while I looked so constipated in the front seat!

“Who’s your superior?” tanong ni Trison.

“Tumahimik ka! Labas!” he shouted desperately.

“Call him. I’ll come out if you call him,” si Trison.

The soldier took out his walkie-talkie and spoke while mentioning names and probably calling his superior. Muli niyang itinutok ang baril sa kotse ni Trison. Isa sa kanyang kasama ang itinapik ang kanyang balikat.

“Maling kotse. Hindi match ang plate number. Gutierrez ang nakalagay sa pangalan. Serrano ‘yon,” the man said.

Shit. They… recognized us! Of course. It’s a big case! They would immediately know!

“Sigurado akong modelo ‘yang kasama niya! Namemorya ko ‘yan! Sila ito! Ferrarin ‘yan!” the man said.

“Kamukha lang…” his other co-soldier convinced.

“Maniwala kayo!”

The other soldiers were now walking toward us. Nakita ko sa likuran na pinapaatras muna ang kotseng nakasunod sa amin habang dumungaw na ang isa sa kanila sa akin at ngumiti.

“Pasensya na, Ma’am. Bagong recruit ‘yan kaya medyo hindi sanay…” he chuckled.

But… he actually makes sense.

“Hintayin nalang natin ang Chief nang mapagalitan. Pasensya na, Sir…” ngiti ng lalake kay Trison.

Trison nodded and leaned against his chair, folding his arms calmly. Pinanood ko ang pagiging agresibo ng isa at ayaw alisin ang pagkakatutok ng baril sa kotse ni Trison, talagang desidido. I saw another military truck stopping at the checkpoint. May lumabas doon hanggang sumaludo ang lahat ng mga sundalo.

And even the man who was aggressive took his gun out of the car just to give him a salute as well.

Naglakad na ang sundalo sa amin. I could sense his high rank because of the air of superiority he’s wearing and how he was respected, that if he ordered them to shoot us, they won’t hesitate.

“Good evening, Sir,” the man greeted formally when he crouched to looked at Trison.

“Good evening. Lalabas pa ba ako?” Trison arched his brow.

Tumingin ang sundalo sa akin. Saka muling tumingin kay Trison at nagseryoso.

“Patingin ng ID at lisensya, Sir…” aniya sa marahang boses.

Trison took his wallet out again and handed his ID and license. The soldier nodded and handed it back to Trison in just seconds.

“Paumanhin, Sir. Ayos na…” He smiled.

Tumango si Trison at tiningnan ang sundalo kanina na agresibo na ngayon ay kalmado na at namumutla. Nag-amba itong itaas ang kanang kamay ngunit pinigilan ng kanyang superior at inilingan.

“P-Paumanhin, Sir…” he said shakily.

My brows knit. The high rank soldier shook his head and looked at us again, stretching his lips toward me to appear friendly and welcoming.

“Have a safe trip, Mr. and Mrs. Gutierrez.”

I smiled a little. Isinara na ni Trison ang bintana, binasa ang labi, at nakaangat ang kilay. Doon lang yata ako nakahinga nang maluwag at pakiramdam ko’y nasa bingit ako ng kamatayan kanina.

Tumingin ako sa itaas ng salamin at nakita na nakayuko na ang sundo at galit ang mukha noong lalakeng nakapamaywang sa kanyang harapan.

That’s… a bit suspicious.

Tumingin ulit ako sa harap lalo na’t pinapaharurot na agad ni Trison ang kotse.
Nakita ko ang signage sa itaas ng pinasukan namin. It says Padre Garcia, Batangas. Where are we going?

Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari, I should have spent my years here in Manila going to Batangas instead of being invested outside the country!

Ilang sandali lang, may nadaanan kaming I love San Juan sa gilid. Which means, we’re now in San Juan, Batangas!

“I’m thirsty,” sabi ko nang makitang may Seven Eleven sa Caltex na madadaanan naming gas station.

Trison glanced at it too. Noong bumagal siya at may planong lumiko, medyo naibsan ang pangamba ko.

Nagpark siya saglit at pinindot lamang ang naka hazzard. He took his wallet out and gave me a 1,000 bill.

“Bumili kana rin ng snacks. And make it fast.”

Kinuha ko ang pera at tumango. Lumabas ako at isinara iyon. I glanced at the surroundings. May pulubing nakaupo sa labas ng seven eleven at nagbabasa ng dyaryo. Tumingin siya sa akin kaya bahagya akong ngumiti, yumuko ng kaonti, at naglakad na papasok sa seven eleven.

Wala masyadong tao sa loob. May isang lalake na nasa isang pasilyo at kumukuha ng mga snacks. Tumikhim ako at nagtungo sa fridge para makakuha ng mineral water.

I don’t eat chips to maintain my posture, so I just took a low-carb snack so I could use it as an alibi at least.

Nagtungo agad ako sa counter at nilingon ang labas. The back of his car was still blinking. He didn’t go out, so I was a bit relieved.

“Good evening, Ma’am.” The cashier smiled at me.

Tumango ako at inilapag ang kinuha ko ganoon din ang pera.

“Uh… meron ka bang ballpen at papel? Pwedeng… makahiram?”

The woman nodded and smiled. Kinuha niya ang papel sa gilid at binigyan din ako ng ballpen. The man who’s choosing his snacks is now behind me, waiting for his turn.

Tumingin akong muli sa labas at mabilis na nagsulat habang pinapunch na ang order ko.

This is Estiece Ferrarin. Please call the police and tell them to give this information to Arkaine Ferrarin. San Juan, Batangas. We’re heading to Casa. Doon ako dadalhin.

My heart was pounding so much that I immediately gave the paper to the woman.

“It would be a great help, miss.” I smiled and took the brown paper bag and my change, which she placed as I handed the paper.

Tumingin ang babae roon. Umalis ako habang malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko.

Please do it. That information might be enough to give them a clue where it was. And I think this is our last stop. I might not send another clue again.

Pagkabalik ko, halos hindi ako makatingin sa mga mata ni Trison. It hurts that… I am doing this because he’s on the other side.

I failed in the past, Trison. I failed to help your mom’s case. And I don’t want to carry another lifetime scar. I don’t want to fail again.

“Kailan mo ginawa ‘yung fake identity ko?” malamig kong tanong habang nagmamaneho na siyang muli.

“Earlier, when I went out,” seryoso niyang sagot.

He really planned this well, huh? Hindi ko na siya kaya pang ipagtanggol. Kahit ang kaonting pananalig sa akin, parang gumuguho na.

I…cannot save him. I realized I really couldn’t. How could I even pull him out of the darkness when he has already built a mansion as his own prisoner that seems so sturdy to break even by a storm.

Unless he decides to come out by himself. Unless it was his own choice to correct his mistakes.

Gusto kong humagulhol sa panghihinayang. Gusto kong lumuhod sa kanyang harapan at magmakaawa. Ngunit ayokong ilagay sa pinakababang parte ang sarili ko at madidismaya lamang dahil alam kong… hindi iyon magiging sapat sa kanya.

Tahimik na lamang ako buong byahe at nagkunwaring natutulog kahit ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Nararamdaman kong lubak lubak ang daan. It’s also useless to know where we are headed now because I know, once I’m there, there’s no guarantee that those people there will let me live.

And Trison, I don’t even know if… he cares. He was planning to drop me off earlier, but someone convinced him to bring me. And he agreed.

Noong dumilat ako, pumapasok na kami sa isang lugar. Trison opened the door of his car. Lumabas din ako at niyakap ang sarili dahil sa lamig na umihip. Nabasa ko ang Casa Amara at napagtantong resort iyon.

Resort. In front of the beach! I slowly realized that… their main factory is probably just in front of the beach. Oo nga naman! They will do a shipment, which means this is the best choice for storing their illegal activities! They needed to do it near the shore!

“Wallace…” Someone chuckled as soon as we went into the white house of the Resort.

I froze as soon as I realized who it was. Of course! Why would I even forget his face when I confronted him years ago! It was Diana’s fuck buddy!

Nagbungguan sila ng balikat habang nagugulat pa ako. Humalakhak si Russel at tinapik ang balikat niya.

“I almost thought someone would catch you at the checkpoint, but I remembered that’s a piece of cake for you… You have connections inside.” He smirked.

W-What?

What the fuck? He passed the checkpoint because he has connections inside?!

Sinenyasan ako ni Trison na lumapit. Ang bilis ng kalabog ng dibdib ko habang pumapasok kami sa puting malaking Resort.

“She’s gonna be shocked.” Iling ni Russel sa akin habang natitigilan pa ako.

“Ayeselle?” A familiar voice called me.

Kumunot ang aking noo at lumingon. Namilog ang mga mata ni Diana at tumakbo patungo sa akin suot ang puting bestida.

“Ayeselle!” Mabilis niyang takbo patungo sa akin.

My eyes widened as he hugged me tightly. I cursed.

“Bakit ka nandito?! Are you held captive too?! Oh my god, Diana! Akala ko nasa Switzerland ka!” I shouted, panicking.

Narinig ko ang halakhak ni Russel sa likuran.

“Wow. So I am a kidnapper now?” si Russel na naiiling at may nakakalokong ngiti sa labi.

Humiwalay ako kay Diana at lito siyang tiningnan. Diana sighed. My eyes widened as I shook my head and squeezed her hand.

“Diana…” I called, hoping that I was wrong.

She smiled weakly. “I am… part of them.”

Oh what… the hell.

Chapter 33

Love

Diana dragged me to the bay deck of the resort, where we could see the calm sea. But it was the opposite of what I’m feeling. Tahimik akong nakaupo at umaagos ang luha. Hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko kayang tanggapin na parte siya ng malaking sindikatong ito!

“Why, Diana?” I asked weakly.

Palakad lakad siya sa harap ko. She looked nervous, but at the same time, I sensed she was serious about this. Gusto kong isipin na baka nandito siya dahil may kailangan siyang gawin ngunit parang napaka imposible noon.

“Nangako siya…” she whispered weakly.

I shut my eyes and held my head as I bowed. Umiling ako.

“At naniwala ka? Anong pangako niya? Na gagawan ka niya ng mansyon sa impyernong ito?” I whispered with so much disappointment.

“A-Ayeselle—”

“This is wrong! Alam mo ‘yan!” I shouted frustratingly and looked at her with my bloodshot eyes.

Binasa niya ang labi at nag-iwas ng tingin. She looked so fancy and simple at the same time. I couldn’t see that she was stressed, but damn it, she’s living the wrong choice of life!

“You were part of them! Alam mo ba kung… gaano kalaki ang kasong ito? It reached the internationals, Diana! And if you were caught with them, kahit na sabihin nating hindi ka nagd-drugs, pero dahil parte ka, kasama ka nilang guguho!”

Her jaw clenched, but her eyes remained weary.

“At dahil ano? Dahil sa pagmamahal na pinaglalaban mo?!”

She closed her eyes and sighed heavily. Umihip ang malamig na hangin sa loob na galing sa karagatan. I shut my eyes and shook my head.

Masasali siya! Soon, if the woman in the seven-eleven gave the piece of information I handed her, this place would be raided! And worse, she’s here!

I stood and walked toward her. Noong dumilat siya, kita ko ang pangingislap ng luha sa mga mata niya. I held her hands and squeezed them.

“This is wrong, Diana…” I whispered achingly.

“Alam ko mali, Ayeselle. Pero business ito ng asawa ko…”

Asawa…

I looked down at her hand and saw that… she’s wearing a ring. She married him. In spite of his darkness, in spite of his evilness. She married and tolerated him!

“You’ve chosen the wrong man.” My shoulder loosened.

Huminga siyang muli, tila ba, gabi gabi na iyong nasa isip niya, ngunit araw araw ay kumakapit siya sa maliit na pag-asang binibigay sa kanya ni Russel, kaya hindi siya makalabas.

“Malaki ang pananalig ko na magbabago siya. Nangako siya, Ayeselle. Na huli na ito. Pag… naitawid ‘yung droga sa New York, titigil na kami. Aalis kami sa bansang ito—

Nailing ako at umalis sa harap niya, naglakad patungo sa balkonahe. Sumunod ang tinig niya, sa pagkakataong ito, mas determinadong kumbinsihin ako.

“Sa Switzerland kami mananatili! At magbabagong buhay na kami! Para sa anak namin!”

Muli akong humarap at agaran siyang nakita sa harap ko. Hinangin ang aming mga buhok habang titig na titig kami sa isa’t isa.

“For how many years have you settled down with a man who can’t even give you a… decent life?”

“M-Malaki ang pananalig ko ngayon, Ayeselle. Gusto ko siyang pagkatiwalaan. Mahal niya ako. Ramdam ko ‘yon. P-Pinakasalan niya ako oh!” She showed the ring proudly.

“Goddamn it, Diana! And you were proud of that?! Is that enough as an assurance?! Dahil lang… pinakasalan ka?”

“Hindi niya naman ako pakakasalan kung hindi siya seryoso—”

“This isn’t love when it ruined you, Diana. This is hell you assumed heaven in his arms,” I cut her off.

Her lips trembled as she sighed again, lowering her head and controlling the tears that sparkled in her eyes.

“M-Mahal ko siya… At itatama naman namin itong lahat. Kailangan ko lang… bigyan siya ng tsansa. But this is the last time! I swear, Ayeselle! This is the last time! Kung hindi niya ito aayusin, iiwan ko na siya!”

She’s blinded. I cannot believe it.

No. She wasn’t blinded at all. This is very vivid for her. But she chose him in spite of the darkness. She willingly chose him!

“Hakbang lang ‘to para sa buhay na pinapangarap namin, Ayeselle. Alam ko may panahon pa namang itama eh,” pangungumbinsi niya.

“Doing a mistake on purpose because you knew you could correct it in the future isn’t always justifiable, Diana. You don’t get any lessons here. It’s only suffering.”

I could sense her regret, but I knew it wasn’t enough to knock some sense into her. She loves him more than her morals!

“A love doesn’t supposed to turn you into the worse version of yourself. A love should inspire you to become the best version of yourself. A love that’s destructive wasn’t love at all, Diana. A love with no self-worth isn’t true love. Love conquers all, yes, but a love that destroys you, pulls you to the lowest of lows, isn’t love. It only shows that you have chosen the wrong man for yourself, and you… tolerate it by not leaving him.”

“Sinubukan ko, Ayeselle—”

“Sinubukan? Then why are you here? Why did you marry him? You made him your world!”

Suminghap siya at tumingin sa malayo, naiiling.

“Kung alam ko lang na… mangyayari ‘to. I should have… convinced y-you…” Nabasag ang tinig ko.

Namilog ang mga mata niya at mabilis akong hinarap. Humikbi ako at dismayadong dismayado sa sarili ko. My only best friend is on the wrong side! I should have stayed by her side! I should have forced my mom to bring her with me to New York!

“No… please… don’t blame yourself. This is my own choice, Ayeselle… I’m proud of the woman you’ve become… You made me proud…” Nangingiti niyang pinalis ang mga luha ko.

“Then why… Diana? Why did you disappoint me? I am not proud of the path you’ve taken!”

Tumulo ang mga luha niya. “I cannot leave him. As much as I want, but… it’s hard. Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam kung ginayuma ba ako… o talagang tanga ako. Ginawa ko yatang standard ‘yung kulay red.” She chuckled, but I could sense her disappointment.

“Hindi mo ba naisip na pwede kang makulong ng panghabangbuhay kung… nadakip ka, Diana? You haven’t thought of it? And how about your future family—” I paused when I realized something.

Yumuko siya at pumikit. “N-Nagmakaawa siya sa akin noon, Ayeselle. T-That he will build a family with me soon… Umiwas ako at… sinubukan ko… kaso… lagi akong… nahihila…”

My shoulder loosened.

“He took care of me. He loves me, and he promised that… we’d make another baby… which… I think… it’s coming. I’m… I’m delayed… I haven’t told him yet, but I know he will like this news… He wants a baby with me…”

Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. They were planning to start a family while they ran a drug syndicate! Para lang family business! Tapos itong mga pulis ay ang competitors nila ganoon ba?!

“Y-You know what? Let’s swim! There’s a pool oh! Tara! Coz I was planning to think some names! We could drink too!” she said excitedly and pulled me to the staircase as we went upstairs while trying to control her tears.

Pumasok kami sa isang room. She looked so excited while showing some of her two-piece bikinis. Itinulak niya agad ako sa banyo para makapagbihis ako. It’s a white bikini that suits my skin as soon as I wear it.

Lumabas ako at nakita siyang ngumiti na sa akin. She wore a red bikini and pulled me to the jacuzzi of the room while the overlooking view calmed me a bit, which was just so ironic knowing how heavy the situation is.

Sa ibaba kami nagpasyang maligo sa halip na sa malaking pool at piniling sa jacuzzi nalang.
I was resting my forearms at the edge of it as I looked at the twinkling stars, hoping that this was just a nightmare. That this wasn’t real at all.

Pumwesto din si Diana sa gilid ko. I stroked my hair backward and glanced at the woman who came to us. She smiled at me, so I smiled a bit. Inilapag ng champagne and champagne flute at nagpaalam din.

“Do you remember the first time we met? I mean… I used to see you at school pero naging close tayo sa pool ng Hotel niyo! And can you imagine it, nagkita tayo ulit after how many years at sa resort pa? Which is… mine!” she grinned while pouring me a drink.

“I mean, Russel bought this. Nakapangalan ‘to sa akin pero I can’t really own it so we fake some owners. But I’m planning to give this to my future child! She deserves this resort!”

I smiled a bit, happy that she didn’t change. Seeing her face, she looked so pretty. I could really sense that she was living a luxurious life. But I don’t want to dig deeper into why her life was like this. Parang madidismaya ako.

“I hope this is a girl. Hindi pa naman ako nag PT pero alam ko na meron. The last time we had sex, it was in Amsterdam, and we didn’t take a condom. Ang ganda kasi doon. Parang ang sarap sumigaw…”

I shut my eyes and laughed. She laughed too. Ngunit nang dumilat, napawing muli ang ngiti ko.

She smiled a bit. “Ang ganda mo, Ayeselle…”

I smiled a little.

“I was actually on your runway! Oh my god! I watched it live! That runway in France! Kaso… hindi ako makapagpakita kasi nagmamadali si Russel!”

“Hinahabol ba ng pulis?” hilaw kong sabi.

Napawi ang ngiti niya. I swallowed and sipped on the champagne flute while looking at the calm sea as we rested our hands at the side of the jacuzzi.

“So… I’m thinking if… you could help me think of a name… at least… if this is a girl. Kasi si Russel ang papaisipin ko sa lalakeng pangalan at gusto ko ako ang magdesisyon sa babae. Tayo.” She smiled suggestively.

I remember when she decided to abort her child in the past. She had never been excited like this. She wanted to get rid of it because she knew that it wasn’t the right time yet.

But this time, she’s determined. Hindi niya ba naisip na mas delikado ngayon? With the life she’s in, raising a child in this kind of environment is very dangerous.

“I was thinking of Cianna… But I want my name with it. Baka kasi… uh… may mangyari sa akin? At least… she’s carrying my name. I want to name her Diana, but I like Cianna too…”

Nag-isip isip ako kahit labag sa loob ko ang gusto niya.

“Then… how about Daciana?” I suggested.

Her eyes widened. “Oo nga ‘no?! Daciana! Wow! That sounded so cute!”

“Nagpa-check up kana ba? Baka… hindi ka naman pala buntis? At… uh… H-Hindi ba iyon mahirap kung… uh…”

“Na ano? Habang hinahabol ng mga pulis?” she chuckled.

“Diana. This isn’t funny.”

“Oo nga, Ayeselle. I mean, this is the life I chose.”

Sumimsim ako sa aking inumin at tumingin sa malayo. Our memories from the past flashed through my mind. Looking back, I realize how peaceful it was. We were young, innocent, and ignorant of how the world truly revolves.

Who would have thought that she would end up in a situation like this? She tolerated a man who’s part of the syndicate, and God knows what would happen to her if she was caught being with them. A guilty bystander, just like how Trison has called me.

“Alam mo ba ang naisip ko noong ikaw ang gagamitin for this shipment… if… let’s say… uh… we’ll get caught… can you… raise my child? I mean… this is just a what if! Ayoko namang mahuli, Ayeselle! Mamamatay ako sa loob ng kulungan! Hindi aircon, hindi rin masasarap ang pagkain!”

“What’s the difference between living like this, Diana? Nakakulong ka rin naman. This isn’t life…”

She sighed. “Huwag kang negative, okay! But wait… Why did you go home? Was it because of…”

“Alam mo ba ‘yon?” tanong ko.

Umiling siya. “Wallace actually handled that. He told his father he wanted a supermodel. Akala ko nga…”

Tumingin siya sa akin ng makahulugan. And wow, she really calls him Wallace.

“He didn’t choose me,” sabi ko.

Matagal ang paninitig niya, at sa kislap ng kanyang mga mata, alam ko na agad ang pinapahiwatig. It’s her what-ifs again.

But then she sighed.

“Ayokong nandito ka sa sitwasyon ko. You know what, I’m quite relieved that you were more untouchable than me. Kasi imagine, oo gusto ko na goals tayo, pero ayoko namang hanggang kulungan! Because of what, for falling in love with a bad guy?! I’d rather suffer alone!” She laughed and shook her head.

She’s making her life lighter than how rough it looked. She convinced herself that she was part of them, even though she wasn’t doing any illegal things, because she stayed by his side.

“Ganda lang sana ang mamana ng anak ko kung babae man. Coz I don’t want my child to grow up running from time to time. Araw araw, nangangamba ako na baka mahuli si Russel. Pero noon, may parte sa isip ko na sana mahuli siya, Ayeselle. Talagang… pinangarap ko para lang matigil ito. But I ended up being caught by him instead. And now, I can’t even pull myself out. I’m trapped.”

She fell in love with the devil itself, expecting he would build heaven for her, when she knew that falling in love with people like them meant embracing hell. And oh, she’s obsessed by how the bad felt so good… like a drug.

“Pero nangako siya. Panghahawakan ko, Ayeselle. Huli na ‘to. Dahil kung hindi, iiwan ko siya. Kami ng anak niya. Hindi na ako mananatili.”

I smiled and nodded when my heart clutched. Kabado ako sa totoo lang. May tsansang matatagpuan nila Arkaine ang kuta nila. And she’s here.

But maybe if I explain to Arkaine that she was blinded, that she wasn’t part of them, and that she only loves Russel, she might not get imprisoned? Pwede ba iyon?

After swimming, she walked me to my own room. She also lent me some clothes to wear, which were a satin top and shorts. I blow-dried my hair while staring at myself in the mirror.

Mag-isa na lamang ako. And I think she wanted to give me some space so I could think. I was a bit dizzy from the alcohol, but I could not help but cry.

Ang bigat ng loob ko. Ang dalawang importanteng tao sa buhay ko, nag-iba ng landas. My dearest friend Diana was tangled up in someone’s evilness because she loved him.

And I cannot even blame her for this. She’s a victim, expecting the man would change for her, giving her promises that seem like Russel wouldn’t even comply.

At pag nalaman ni Diana ang ginawa ko, pakiramdam ko, magagalit siya. I might only ruin their future plans once I do the right thing.

I couldn’t sleep after all the things I found out, so I went out again. Bumaba ako sa function hall, hindi alam kung anong palapag sa hagdan hagdang resort na ito, habang naglakad sa dining hall at lumabas patungong View Deck.

I even read the signage that says, Please do not lean on the glass since the railings were made with glass. Pumwesto ako sa harap at tinanaw ang dagat habang pinapalis ang luha. Ngunit sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko, bumuhos iyon lalo.

Why… out of all the people… why them?
I cannot imagine the path they have chosen. I cannot… accept it.

Hindi ko alintana ang lamig. Now I’m torn by the thing I did. I’m suddenly in the greatest dilemma.

Why is it always hard to do the right thing? Why is it always hard to stay in the light? Why was it easy to grasp the darkness. I don’t understand it.

Nanginginig kong tinakpan ang bibig ko, natatakot na tumakas iyon at marinig ng mga narito na umiiyak ako, hindi dahil nasa bingit ng panganib, kundi para sa mga taong mahal ko sa buhay.

I didn’t tolerate them… but I haven’t done anything to prevent it! Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas malala roon.

Yes, it wasn’t my responsibility because we were now old enough to decide on our own, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I had pushed myself to help them.

Narinig ko ang tubig sa pool sa ibaba na natatanaw lamang sa kinatatayuan ko kaya medyo nadistract ako. When I looked down, I saw the back of a familiar man swimming smoothly in the water, pushed his feet at the edge and stretched his arms as he swam back.

He rose his head out of the water and pushed his hair backwards as he reached the metal ladder with both of his hands as he pulled himself out of the pool as the water trickled down his body.

Umangat ang ulo niya hanggang nagkatitigan kami. In spite of the distance, I could see the dark shade of his eyes while his wet hair was pushed back, his thick brows were almost furrowing, and his body seemed more massive because he was… topless and wet.

He walked to the lounger, picked up his towel, lifted his head, and looked at me again. Pinalis ko ang luha ko habang nakahawak ang isa kong kamay sa glass at nakatingin sa kanya sa ibaba.

He gestured to turn my back, but I just rolled my eyes. Umangat ang kanyang kilay at tumalikod, naghubad, revealing his firm butt, at nagbihis ng shorts na naroon sa lounger.

This man is shameless. Umiling ako nang maalalang hindi rin naman ako mahihiyang maghubad sa kanyang harapan.

Kinuha niya ang t-shirt at umakyat sa hagdan. He disappeared for a while, so I looked at the beach again.

“She wasn’t part,” a cold voice echoed behind me.

Sa paghikbi ko kanina at pagpupunas ng luha, pakiramdam ko tuloy nahuli niya akong umiiyak dito. But I don’t care. Gulat ako sa nadatnan ko rito. I couldn’t process everything.

“Just a guilty bystander…” patuloy niya.

Hindi ko narinig ang yabag ng paa niya ngunit sa amoy niyang dumaan sa akin at tumigil, nang lumingon ako sa gilid, nakasandal na rin siya sa railings, nakatalikod sa dagat habang nasa harap ng resort ang tingin.

“Kung mahuhuli kayo… masasali siya…”

“Unless there’s a crime for loving a criminal, then she’s gonna be guilty.” He smirked a little.

I rolled my eyes while wiping my tears. Bago ko pa maibalik ang tingin sa harap, naglahad na siya ng panyo sa akin.

Kahit ayaw ko iyong kunin, pakiramdam ko naghahalo na ang uhog at mga luha ko. I am a supermodel, and they might be under surveillance right now. I don’t wanna be caught on camera with my messy face crying.

Oh, please, Ayeselle. Nasa ganitong sitwasyon kana, kung saan saan pa lumilipad ang isip mo.

I took it harshly and wiped my tears.

“Then push her out,” I demanded.

“Push her out? We didn’t recruit her. Sadyang hindi niya maiwan-iwanan si Russel.”

“And Russel is proud that his girl was supporting his illegal doings? I cannot believe him! Gago pala siya!” I rolled my eyes harshly.

Trison craned his head a bit to see my reaction as he looked at me amusingly while his lips were stretching for a smile. Hinahangin ang kanyang buhok ganoon din ang suot niya. He looked so peaceful in spite of the feral he radiates…

“Kung… mahal niya si Diana. Nagbago dapat siya. Hindi niya dapat hinayaang pumasok si Diana habang magulo ang buhay niya. And what, you’re all gonna reason to me that love conquers all? Love doesn’t tolerate!”

“That’s your own love…” he whispered.

“Bakit, kung may girlfriend ka bang nagdo-droga, sa halip na tulungan mo, sasabayan mo pa?!” I glared at him.

“Sa akin mo talaga ‘yan tinatanong?” He laughed.

Oh I remember his remark in the past! He would let his future girl explore with men as long as she ended up marrying her once he was successful!

Umiling ako. “That’s not love…”

Binasa niya ang labi. “Then tell me what’s love?” Angat ng kanyang kilay.

“It hurts… but in a good way,” I whispered.

“That’s sex,” he confirmed.

Nanliit ang mga mata ko sa kanya. Ngumuso siya at tumikhim.

“There’s nothing wrong with being in love. What’s wrong is if you let it destroy you. If you let it break your morals. Kung magmamahal ka, hindi kasama roon ang pagpapakababa sa sarili. Love should inspire you to become the best version of yourself. Because if it didn’t, then you are in love, but with the wrong person,” sabi ko sa mahina ngunit determinadong tinig.

Seryoso ang titig ni Trison sa akin habang nakikita ko iyon sa gilid ng mga mata ko. Hindi ko alam kung namamangha ba siya o ano. Lumingon ako sa kanya para lang mabasa kung anong naglalaro sa isip niya ngunit ang misteryoso niya tingnan.

“Part your lips. I wanna search your mouth again…”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. It was so random that… my jaw dropped.

Para bang natatauhan sa biro niya kaya binawi niya ang tingin sa akin. Kahit alam ko namang hindi ako lasing, sa tindi ng mga nalaman ko, parang… gusto kong…

“How wide?” I challenged and arched my brow.

Lumingon muli si Trison sa akin. Kita ko ang nahahamon niyang tingin nang yumuko siya at itinagilid ang ulo. I stood straight, bracing my lips for his.

He chuckled as his hot breath tickled my lips. He planted a soft kiss on my lips and smiled.

“No tongue?” I arched my brow more, triggering him for something deep.

“You want my tongue?” he whispered back.

The addictive part about sex is that you can taste it without feelings involved. But the worst part is when it turns into something deep… something you cannot escape.

Maybe this is where I could relate to Diana. I’ve been addicted to the pleasure of it, but not addicted enough to stay.

It was like taking a free taste of something that was offered because it was there without actually buying it, no matter how good it tastes. You were addicted because it was offered, but when it asked for something in return, you weren’t ready to spend anything and just walked away.

Yumukong muli si Trison. He slowly brushed his lips with mine, licking my lower lip. Pumikit ako, halos pinangarap na sana, kahit ito, parte lamang din ng aking bangungot.

Hindi dahil ayoko, kundi dahil natatakot ako sa kahihinatnan ng lahat ng ito.

He inserted his tongue smoothly, just enough to flick it in my mouth, as if he just wanted to taste it a bit, as I couldn’t sense his greed.

Hindi ko napigilang ipatong ang kamay ko sa balikat niya. Dumulas din ang kanyang kamay sa aking baywang at hinila ako hanggang nadikit ako sa kanyang katawan habang malalim na ang hagod ng mga halik niyang bumubura sa alalahanin ko.

It was what I needed at the moment.

Compared to the kiss he gave me in the hotel room earlier, the kisses were soft and feathery as they slowly melted in my mouth and created blinding fireworks in my head that blurred all the reasons I listed not to fall for him at the moment.

The kiss felt familiar. Pakiramdam ko, kung hinalikan ako ni Trison noon nang ganito kalalim, it would feel like this. Soft. Warm. And gentle.

And just like how I imagined us, we were standing in the middle of the night while we could feel the cold wind coming from the crashing waves of the sea as he kissed me with no restraint.

Tumigil siya sa paghalik at dahan dahang dumilat. My heart pounded as we locked eyes. He planted another kiss on my lips while his hand was now caressing my back, staring at me like it was the last.

If love is powerful, if it conquers all… then… can I even use it to… pull him from where I am?

“Come to my room and bring some condoms,” I whispered, planted a kiss on him, and walked out.

Chapter 34

Warning:
R-18

Hate

Palakad lakad ako sa kuwarto habang malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko. That kiss… was different! Damn it!

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako kung tama ang iniisip ko na maaaring may nararamdaman siya sa akin at pwede ko iyong magamit o… matatakot ako sa sarili ko sa mga pinaggagawa ko.

Damn it, Ayeselle! And you invited him to come over! You were really showing him who’s in charge here, huh?! He’s hustling himself! He might suspect that you were pretending! That it wasn’t you!

But people changed! Just like how he changed! I am not that young and innocent, Ayeselle, anymore. I’ve grown. And he knew that we were just teens back then! Both seventeen! Ang bata bata pa!

That’s why you should calm down. But, oh my gosh! Did I really invite him myself?! Sa tindig noon, akala mo ba hindi ka no’n wawasakin? Sure, he moved smoothly, with an air of mystery in him, but looked at the built of his body?! That’s not gentle in bed at all.

And I cannot believe I was fantasizing over those veiny hand to wrapped around my neck while he’s banging me! I cannot believe that’s how I imagined him because of his dangerous demeanor!

I didn’t know what was behind his decision. Lalo na’t limang minuto na, hindi pa rin siya pumunta. O baka… iniisip niyang lasing ako? Goddamn it. Ano bang nakain ko?

You think a criminal would fall in love with you just because you’re willing to offer sex?! It was the heat that happened earlier, and we haven’t continued. The heat that I couldn’t end if I didn’t consume him again.

Or maybe it was because I could freely taste him. I could do it to someone who looked like the man I only loved in the past.

How ironic that I knew it was still Trison but couldn’t feel him.

I lost hope when he didn’t come. It was almost midnight. And he didn’t come! Bumuntonghining ako at nagpasyang humiga na ngunit nakarinig ng katok.

Lumunok ako at nagtungo sa may pinto. Binuksan ko iyon at sinilip kung sino. Kaya nang makitang si Trison iyon, nakasandal ang bawat kamay at nakayuko ang ulo, nagulat ako.

When he lifted his head, his eyes blazing with fire but at the same time weary, I immediately knew that he had thought of it for an hour before coming here.

He stepped in and pulled on my waist while closing the door. As he crouched and kissed me, the anticipation for it was so strong that I couldn’t control it but kiss him back.

Isinandal niya ako pinto at hinalikan ako nang malalim habang ang isa niyang kamay ay pumapailalim na sa suot kong blusa at gumagapang sa aking dibdib.

He was kissing me with the same passion. I could feel him blazing, but it was warm enough not to burn me at all. And it’s… coaxing me to even kiss him more.

Oh, the taste of his mouth drives me insane. Maybe there were women who were willing to kneel for him because, in spite of the toxicity, the danger in his stance, and the darkness he’s in, he would wrap you in paradise as soon as you could taste him.

It was a taste that snapped your rational thoughts and drove you insane. A taste of heaven. A taste of sweetness in his bitter world. Paano mo nga naman tatakbuhan ang lalakeng katulad niya kung titig niya pa lang, kaya niya na agad palambutin ang tuhod mo?

“You’re leaving tomorrow right after the negotiation,” he whispered in the middle of the kiss as his hand fondled my boob.

“What’s the rush? You were afraid that I was going to sabotage your plan?” I whispered as I closed my eyes.

“There’s no competition here. Leave,” he whispered against my lips.

“Paano kung in love na ako sa’yo? Paaalisin mo ba ako?” panunuya ko.

Bumaba ang halik niya sa leeg ko. His teeth were scraping while his tongue grazed against it, and he would end up sucking it lightly.

“I’ve memorized you in the past. You don’t stop until… you are not on the top.”

“That’s why you were here, because you want to put me on your top?” I responded sensually.

“Very Ferrarin…” He carried my legs, so I wrapped them around his hips while his other hand raked my hair and kissed me continuously.

I could feel his massiveness against the softness in between my thighs as if it were pressed because of the position in which he carried me. Trison directed it until I couldn’t help but grind against it.

We locked eyes. The lust was evident, but there was more to it that I couldn’t properly name, or didn’t want to mention because it would only hurt me.

Ibinagsak niya ako sa kama, pumaibabaw sa akin, at tuloy tuloy ang halik habang ang isa niyang kamay ay hinihila ang suot niyang tshirt sa likuran.

“Who’s at the top now, huh?” he whispered.

He pulled it and tossed it to the other side as his hand crawled inside my top while he knelt with his knee between my thighs.

I tried flipping him using my legs, but they were too shaky. Hindi ko siya kayang ibalibag! He’s too big and too strong!

“Calm down. You’ll have your position later…” His kisses went down to my chest, and as he only lifted my top and put his mouth against it, I whimpered and shut my eyes.

And damn it… What does he mean, huh?!

Pinaglaruan iyon ng dila niya. The intricate movement was making my head spin when he swirled his tongue and scraped his teeth, biting it teasingly while he fondled the other.

At sa ungol niya, sa pagpikit niya habang hinahalikan ako roon nang naliliyo ko siyang tingnan, alam kong sinusulit niya iyong gawin nang walang pagmamadali.

“Trison,” I called when I remembered my plan.

Lumipat siya sa kabila at ginawa iyon muli. My lips were parting as I could feel his other hand grazing down my stomach, settling on my navel, and drawing circles around it as his tongue swirled against my aroused nipple.

“Bite it like… what you did,” I demanded.

No! That wasn’t the plan! Hindi dapat iyon ang sasabihin ko.

Trison scraped his teeth again and bit them. Dumaing ako nang inulit niya iyong muli habang ang kanyang isang kamay ay gumagapang na sa waistline ng suot kong shorts.

And when his kisses went down and folded my legs as he spread them as soon as he crouched down at the edge of the bed, I knew what he was planning to do!

Dumilat ako at tiningnan siya roon. He buried his face against the satin cloth of my shorts and scraped his teeth on the wet part that made me arch my back.

“Trison…” I called again, wanting to start a conversation, when it sounded like a moan.

He was planting kisses and shoving his face there as the tip of his nose was grazing in between my folds! And even if there’s a thin fabric between us, I could still feel it bare!

“Eat it,” I begged.

Damn it! Hindi ‘yan dapat ang sasabihin ko! Am I so turned on I cannot…

He pulled my shorts down, including my panties. He started kissing the side of my leg, again taking his time! Walang pagmamadali noon, na alam niya, para kaming oras kahit umagahin man ay walang makakadisturbo!

But because of the teasing and the heat in between my folds that was dripping, I couldn’t wait any longer. I was already coaxing him to just bury his face in my flesh and eat me!

“Trison!” I shouted.

“Calm down…” he said, lifting my waist a bit while it was facing his face fully.

When he leaned closer and planted a kiss, I could not believe I dripped more! Dumilat ako at tiningnan siya roon. Trison watched me as he started planting another kiss until he stuck his tongue out and slid it into my folds.

Dumaing ako at nanghina. The tip of his tongue glided from the top to the bottom, as if following the line of my folds, and he pushed the tip toward my entrance teasingly.

Suminghap ako nang parang may paligsahan sa pagitan ng init ng aking katawan at kuryenteng hatid ng kanyang halik. The pleasure was beyond immeasurable and I’m anticipating for the things he could do to me knowing this is just his tongue and I am now burning!

I arched my back more. My toes were curling, and he knew how to torture me because I felt how he inserted his finger and suck the nub while thrusting it in and out.

Inabot ko ang kanyang ulo at humawak sa kanyang buhok. He started whimpering while eating me as his movements became fast and aggressive.

I grabbed his other hand and put it against my neck, so he wrapped his fingers around it, just enough for me to feel his aggression, as if he knew what kind of rough I wanted.

He buried his face more and added another finger, and my mouth went wide open. Sunod sunod na ang daing ko hanggang sa nanginig ang aking mga hita at nanghina ako.

But Trison seemed ready; he stood, pushed his shorts, and ripped the side of the condom using his teeth.

I watched him put the condom on his thick shaft inside, which looked so monstrous. Mariin akong pumikit, iniisip na para na rin akong mababaril sa gabing ito kung ipinasok niya iyon. I will never accommodate that!

He hovered over me and directed the tip as he let it slide first while kissing my jaw again and fondling my breast.

Each time his tip would knock on my entrance and he would let it slide against my folds, the anticipation for it penetrating me was worsening, and I wouldn’t even mind the pain as long as he would just enter me!

He let it slide against my fold again, and this time, I cursed. His other hand thumbed the nub as his massive length tried to enter me again. Desperate that he would only slide it, I coaxed him.

He groaned against my neck while I whimpered in both pain and pleasure. Unable to control the heat that succumbed our body, he pushed it this time.

Trison sighed as my lips parted when the pain and pleasure mingled, but the pleasure was so blinding that I was only invested in it. I was so turned on that I wanted him to just continue!

He cursed and rammed it in. Sumigaw ako habang nagmura naman si Trison. He seems to be losing his control that he’s twitching inside of me, trying not to move but he’s slightly pulling it, and pushing it again.

“I’ll… slow down,” he whispered as he pulled it again, and pushed it.

Punit na punit ako at pakiramdam ko, ang umaagos, hindi na yata dahil nasasarapan ako. But there was something about the pain that coated with pleasure. While his movements were changing its pace and he would make sure that he’s ramming it to the brim, the pleasure was so addicting that I don’t mind if I collapse right then!

It hurt, yes, and for sure I was bleeding, but it felt so good! And I was so addicted to it that I started riding with his shaft too!

Sa bawat galaw niya ay dumadaing na ako. It was a messy and unending whimper that triggered him to increase the speed. Pakiramdam ko mababaliw na ako. It was the most blinding pleasure I’ve felt in my entire life that I haven’t thought about sex. Ngayon ko lang mas nabigyan ng kahulugan sa isip ko dahil sa ginagawa niya.

I understand why people are addicted to this. The boys I’ve had during my modeling were nothing compared to his expertise!

“Trison,” I called.

“Yeah?”

I cursed when he sounded so sensual against my neck!

“You want it fast?” he asked in a slurry voice, and he started changing the pace.

When he positioned himself more, put my hands over my head as he gripped it, and wrapped his arm around my waist as he slammed it hard, I was succumbed by the heat that I didn’t want to end it.

Trison pressed his face against the side of mine as he whimpered and moved fast. I was so frustrated because I couldn’t grip him, and it added more to the pleasure that the only thing I could do was wrap my legs around him.

“Damn it. You’re so tight,” he whispered frustratingly.

The bed was now creaking, and my head was now banging against the hands he had pinned over my head. Sa rahas ng tunog ng kama, pakiramdam ko mawawasak iyon ano mang oras dahil sa agresibo ng kilos niya!

He was punishing me for being too harsh, but it was so good that I wanted more of it!

I could hear the banging of our bodies, which mingled with the creaking sound of the bed as our whimpers resonated all throughout the room. I buried my teeth against his shoulder and bit him so hard that my world crumbled.

Trison, who was slowing down, groaned until I felt him convulse as well. His heavy breath was kissing my neck while I was panting hard.

“You want your turn? On… top of me?”

Napatingin ako sa kanya. He was suggesting it shamelessly, and I cannot believe I want it!

“Why? You have another condom?” matapang kong tanong kahit nanginginig ang kalamnan ko.

Inabot niya ang bedside table at may kinuha lamang sa loob saka iyon ibinigay sa akin.

“Morning,” si Trison na inilalahad sa akin ang kanyang kape pagkagising ko. “Coffee?”

I cleared my throat and didn’t take it as I passed him. Humagalpak si Russel at narinig ko ang lagapak ng kamay niya sa dibdib nito habang natatawa rin si Trison.

“Gago, dude. For the first time, hindi gumagana ang charms mo. Ah… now I know why you want to throw her on the street so bad!”

Nangingiting sumalubong si Diana sa akin at niyakap ako. I sighed and let her hug me, but then she started smelling me that I was a bit conscious.

Noong makahulugan na ang ngisi niya, dinala niya ako sa loob ng garden. There were round tables along the pathway, and each side was full of white flowers, including the ceiling. It looked like an aisle for marrying someone because of the vibe it gave off.

Inukupa namin ang upuan at sinenyasan ang kasambahay na doon dalhin ang pagkain, sa paglapit ng mukha niya, alam ko na agad.

“May nangyari?”

As soon as she asked, the image of myself last night at Trison’s top, his hands holding the curves of my waist, my hands holding at the headboard of the bed as my movements were like waves while I rode him, halos manuyo ang lalamunan ko.

I could still feel the heat in between my thighs while Diana’s eyes leered a bit, her lips stretching.

“Hmm. Meron… Kitang kita ko sa reaksyon mo. Hmm…” she smirked while nodding.

I licked my lower lip and saw that Russel and Trison had decided to swim. Makikita lamang dito sa garden ang pool lalo na’t halos nakaharap iyon doon.

Trison pulled his t-shirt at the back using his one hand and tossed it to the lounger as he unbuckled his shorts too while smirking at Russel who was laughing at him because of the red marks on his body.

Lumingon si Trison sa likod at nahanap ang mga mata ko. When our eyes locked, I saw his sensual face in my mind while I was on top of him. He was biting his lower lip, his thick brows knitting, as he looked at me with pure lust while he controlled the speed of my body at his top.

Trison smirked at me while pulling his shorts down, probably remembered what happened earlier too. Tumikhim ako at nag-iwas ng tingin habang lumilingon si Diana sa kanya, at mabilis na ibinalik sa akin.

“Nakaya mo ‘yan?”

My eyes widened at her bluntness. Halos makalimutan kong iba nga pala ang bibig nito. She leaned forward as she rested her elbows on the table.

“Let’s be real here, he’s big even if he wasn’t naked. You could tell it by his stance. Talagang… nakaya mo?”

“I think I ripped my…”

Her jaw dropped, and she burst out laughing. God! Coz I really felt something rip in me last night!

Mariin akong pumikit at nakita sa isip ko ang pagbangon ni Trison para lang halikan at isubo sa kanyang bibig at dibdib ko habang patuloy ang paggalaw namin. Ang mga kamay ko ay binabaon ko sa likod niya, at ang isang kamay ni Trison ay nasa dibdib ko na habang ang isa ay pumapalupot.

“Gusto mo bang tumawag ako ng doctor? Gosh! Edi goals tayo kagabi! Ginawa rin namin eh—”

“Diana!” I hissed and opened my eyes.

I heard the splashing sound of the water in the pool.

“Nahihiya ka pa! Magkwento ka,” she urged, her lips still stretching.

Tumikhim ako. “I fucked him, alright?”

“Ikaw talaga?!” she laughed.

Ngumuso ako. “Well… it was his turn first, and then… mine… and then… his turn… then…”

Mas lalong humagalpak si Diana. “Ang tapang mo naman para damihan!”

It was too painful, but damn it, it was too good! How can I even stop?

I saw from the pool how Trison reached for the metal ladders on each side and pulled himself out of the pool as the water trickled down his body. At halos manuyo ang lalamunan ko nang magkatitigan kaming muli.

“Like what you see?” I remembered how he whispered it against my ear when I looked down and saw his shaft ramming it in.

He planted a kiss on my jaw when I lifted my head and shut my eyes as my lips parted.

“Hard,” I whispered.

He took it out, flipped me like a sack, and pushed himself in.

“Lahat ng positions sa unang gabi niyo lang?! Pati sa likod?” Diana gasped when I told her about it too.

I rested my elbows on the table while holding my head. Nababaliw na yata ako kagabi! No. It was almost morning when I saw the light on the transparent sliding door.

“That’s why I was sore up until now,” I murmured, while I could still feel his lips trailing kisses against my nape and he was thrusting hard.

Nakita ko ang pagpupunas ng tuwalya ni Trison sa basang katawan. He found my eyes again. And damn it, the intensity of his eyes was so familiar! Why would I even forget it when I watched those eyes in front of the mirror because I triggered him!

“Are you trying to make love with me? Make it rough,” I demanded dizzily.

“If I do it rough, you won’t survive,” he whispered and chuckled.

“Don’t make me miss my fling with your romantic gestures in bed.” I smirked back.

He arched his brow critically. The next thing I knew, he had already flipped my body, pulled it a bit until it leveled on his hips, and his hands pinned my small back against the bed to control it as he roughly slammed himself hard.

My mouth dropped wide at the intensity with which my hand reached the edge of the bed as I gripped it while he rammed me savagely. Damn it! Now I’m worried if I’ll survive this!

Pumikit ako, halos umiyak hindi dahil ang sakit sakit noon, kundi dahil mababaliw na yata ako sa samo’t saring emosyon. Sa rahas niya, pakiramdam ko nasagad ko siya.

“Open your eyes,” he whispered as he bent over.

Pagdilat ko, nakita ko agad ang mukha ko sa salamin habang nakaluhod siya sa likod ko.

“Let’s see if you would still remember your fling…” he teased and bent over against my back, his arm locking around my neck while he held my chin.

Maybe it was the lust that made me open my mouth at that moment and suck his thumb and swirl my tongue against it.

I watched him in the mirror as his jaw clenched, his lips parting for an uncontrollable whimper as I smirked.

“Let’s see if you would remember any girls too…”

He cursed and tripled the harshness of his movement that I immediately cried. It was hard, and he was hitting something that felt so good as I was already whimpering against his mouth and Trison was breathing heavily against my lips as he would lick my lower lip while slamming it harder with each pull.

“Oo… naranasan na rin namin ‘yan. Nagvivideo pa nga kami minsan sa phone ko,” si Diana nang makwento ko rin ang salamin.

“Gaga!” I hissed.

She laughed. Nailing ako at pinilig na ang ulo. It was such a mess. Para kong sinulit ang isang bagay na libre nang may iniisip na may makukuha ako roon.

“But what’s your favorite? For sure… meron…”

Ngumuso ako. “His lips… on my thighs.”

She grinned. Kahit ayokong isipin, ngunit talagang nakaukit sa isip ko ang mukha ni Trison. Disheveled hair. Gray, intense eyes. His veiny arms wrapped around my legs. I cannot believe he was so good with his tongue that I… damn it. I do not want to remember that part.

Dumating ang babae kagabi na nagbigay rin ng inumin sa amin at naglapag ng makakain. We were enjoying the food in the garden.

Diana seems fine with the life she has chosen. Para bang bumubuo siya ng imahinasyon sa isip niya na walang masamang ginagawa si Russel. That it’s purely business. Well, yes, it’s really a business. But just illegal.

May dumating na bisita. They were foreigners, and they carried some briefcases. Trison was now in his dress shirt while the sleeves were rolled to his elbow as they were on the bay view, occupying the seats.

“Russian. Wallace speaks Russian,” bulong ni Diana sa akin habang pasimple namin iyong tiningnan.

“He’s multilingual. He speaks Russian, Spanish, and French. So imagine it when he’s eating you out, para ka na ring nag travel sa daming bansang napuntahan mo dahil sa kayang gawin ng dila niya.” She smirked.

Namula ako lalo na’t pakiramdam ko nga nasa ibang dimensyon ako kagabi.

“A-Ano ‘yan sila? Clients?” I asked, intrigued.

Tumango si Diana, maingat ang lingon doon at ibinalik agad sa akin. Five people were standing at the back of the man, who seemed to be in his fifties, while Trison sat in front of him as one of the men started opening the briefcase.

“That Russian was actually the mafia boss of a drug syndicate who went here to deal with Trison for the big shipment. They’re probably including it tomorrow…”

Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko. Trison seems so confident while dealing with those people.

Tumayo si Diana at inaya na akong bumalik sa room namin dahil ipapasyal niya ako sa ibaba. The man who’s dealing with Trison glanced at us.

“You’re selling them?” I heard the voice of the old man looking at me and Diana.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Diana’s hand gripped me.

“They’re not,” Trison answered calmly, gesturing to us to just go.

Ngunit sumenyas ang matanda at gusto kaming palapitin. The men who were with the Russian looked at us, that if we didn’t step forward, he would order them to drag us there.

Tiningnan ako ni Diana. Mabagal akong tumango saka niya ako hinila patungo roon. Trison shifted from his seat and leaned against his chair, his expression darkening.

“English?” The Russian smiled at us as soon as we stopped.

“Akala siguro ng panot na ‘to na bobo tayo.” Ngiti ni Diana at pasimple iyong binigyan.

The Russian man said something to Trison in his own language, to which Trison responded in Russian as well. And I cannot believe he was so fluent, as if it were his own accent too!

“A billion.”

Ang tanging naintindihan kong englis sa sinabi noong matanda at muling hinagod ng tingin ang katawan ko.

Trison chuckled, looking away while licking the side of his lips with a hint of annoyance. He stood while thinking, turned his back for a while as if he were trying to search for an answer, and as soon as he faced him, his expression changed drastically. He swiftly drew the gun at his side and aimed it at the Russian’s head.

Namilog ang mga mata ko habang mabilis na dumukot ng baril ang lima at itinutok din iyon kay Trison.

“I said no. She’s not for sale. Unless you want a bullet in your brain to process my response seriously.” Trison smirked maliciously.

Kinilabutan ako. Lalo na’t hindi man lang siya takot na limang baril ang nakatutok sa kanya. Na hindi siya nakikipagbiruan sa kanila.

The Russian nodded defeatedly and gestured to his men to drop their guns while speaking in his own language to Trison. He tilted his head, arched his brow, and responded to him in a Russian language while he lowered the gun.

Wala akong naiintindihan ngunit ramdam ko ang tensyon.

“Go.” Senyas niya sa amin ni Diana.

Mabilis akong hinila ni Diana paalis doon habang hindi na sumusulyap ang matanda sa akin. Halos doon lang ako makahinga. That… look into his eyes. It was full of menace. Na kung hindi pumayag ang matanda kanina ay babarilin niya sa ulo. Oh my god. This is real. He’s… really dealing with a lot of evil people!

Lumingon akong muli habang paakyat na kami ni Diana sa hagdan. I found Trison’s eyes looking at me. He looked serious, as I remembered our conversation after doing it how many times.

“You don’t do cuddles?” ani Trison nang tumayo ako pagkatapos at pinulot ang damit ko.

Wow. The rough Wallace Serrano is asking for a cuddle?

“You should surrender,” I said coldly as I picked up my panty, which he had just toss on the floor.

“I’d be killed. They won’t let me live…”

“You’ve chosen that path. If you wanted to live so badly, then why did you put yourself in a situation that would end your life?” matabang kong tanong habang hinihila na ang aking panty.

“I’d tell you if you kiss me…” nanunuya niyang sabi.

Pinulot ko ang t-shirt niya na itim at iyon ang isinuot habang tinitingnan ko siya. Hindi ko alam kung bitin ba siya sa lahat ng ginawa namin o talagang nang-aasar siya. Sa panginginig ngayon ng mga hita ko, kung ginawa namin ulit, baka gumapang nalang ako bukas.

I looked at his lips. But he might really tell me if I kiss him? Naglakad ako patungo sa kanya at nag-ambang yumuko nang ibinaling niya ang ulo sa gilid.

I sighed and walked to the other side of the bed. Nakita kong seryoso pa rin siya kaya yumuko ako, nag-amba ulit na bigyan siya ng halik, ngunit muli niyang binaling ang ulo sa kabila.

Ngumiwi ako. This is very Trison. This isn’t Wallace at all.

I crouched and kissed his shoulder instead. Isinubsob niya ang mukha niya sa unan at tila ba ayaw ipakita sa akin ang naging reaksyon niya. Sa galaw ng balikat niya, alam kong bumuntonghininga siya.

“So, what did you find this time?” I taunted, remembering his reason for kissing and touching me.

“It reached to the brim. We did it five times. For sure, you’ve found something?” patuloy kong panunuya.

“Something I thought I lost,” he whispered.

Natigilan ako. There was an air about him that felt familiar. Hindi ko man kita ang ekspresyon niya, ngunit sa paraan ng pakikipag-usap niya, sa halik niya, at sa ginawa niya sa katawan ko kanina, parang… may kakaiba.

“Y-You might have it if you surrender…” I whispered, hopeful that he would believe me, but at the same time, hopeful that fate would let us.

“The problem is, I don’t want it.” He chuckled flatly and got up.

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. I looked at his naked body. Pinulot niya ang shorts at iyon ang isinuot.

Lumingon siya sa akin, seryoso.

“I didn’t lose it. I gave it up purposely,” he said meaningfully as he opened the door and slipped himself out.

Mariin akong pumikit at umupo. Binigyan ako ng tubig ni Diana habang nasa dining area na kami.

“Ayos ka lang? Gagong ‘yon! Sana tuluyan siya ni Wallace!”

And knowing that this is her normal life, how does she deal with it? Diana really settled into a life that she didn’t deserve?

Kabado ako sa bawat oras na lumilipas. Nasa kuwarto na ako at naligo lalo na’t pinahiram akong muli ng damit ni Diana. She told me that there will be a party at the function hall tomorrow evening. It was kind of a distraction while they started the shipment.

They were starting the negotiations now. Hindi ko alam kung pumayag ba ang mommy ni Sullivan sa kung ano mang hiling nila pero ang makita ang yate na nakapark sa beach, pakiramdam ko, tuloy ang shipment nila.

And how am I supposed to tell my real intentions that’s why I’m here to Diana? I don’t want her here. Russel dragged her on his illegal doings, and Diana stayed because she loved him.

She’s not part of them, just like Trison said to me. Pero kung sinabi ko ba sa kanya na… plano ko ang lahat ng ito na sumama kay Trison para mahuli siya ng mga pulis, papanig ba siya sa akin? Will she ever side with me if it would also put the father of her child behind bars? She might…hate me.

Chapter 35

Raid

I have no idea how the negotiation started, but Diana seems less interested in it as she tours me around, probably just wanting to distract me.

The beach was kind of peaceful, but the few people, which I could sense were Trison’s men, or more specifically, their men, were eyeing us surreptitiously.

Nahuhuli ko minsan ang paghaplos nila sa baril na nakausli sa gilid at nagmamatyag nang maigi.

I sat on the shore and let the waves crash against my bare feet. Mabato ang ilang parte at walang naliligo. Maybe because they closed it for this reason?

“Edi bukas… maraming tao sa… Resort?” I asked.

Diana nodded. “Oo. Pang distract lang in case may raid na mangyari.”

“Isn’t it more… uh… dangerous?”

“It’s just to make sure that they won’t shoot. They won’t find out who’s part of the syndicate and who’s not. At sa mga ganoong raid, mahalaga rin sa kanila na walang madamay na inosente.”

My shoulder loosened. “You are siding with them, Diana. This isn’t right. Imagine if… innocent people would… get tangled by the sudden raid…”

Umupo si Diana sa gilid ko.

“It’s actually Trison’s plan…”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. “H-His plan?”

Tumango siya. “For distraction. Most of their successful shipment and illegal activities were successful because of his tactics.”

Nanginig ang kalamnan ko. I cannot picture it now, even if I saw it with my own eyes. I’ve witnessed it.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa dagat at mas lalo lang gumuho ang katiting na pag-asang kinapitan ko. Diana rested her head against my shoulder as we watched the sunset over the horizon while the cold air played with our hair.

“You think this is still because of his mother?” she asked quietly.

Parang sinaksak ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko na rin alam kung dahil ba roon. Dahil parang hindi na.

“Minsan nga iniisip ko ibang tao siya. Ibang iba siya sa kilala nating Trison. He’s so mysterious, Ayeselle. Kung nakabisado ko siya noon at mabilis na nababasa, ngayon hindi na. Even Russel doesn’t know anything about him. He finds him a puzzle even though they’re best friends.”

Lumunok ako. He found another family in the darkness. Another friends. And how about his other friends in Caraga? Tinalikuran niya na rin ba?

“What Russel hates about him is that he has no conscience. He always treats everything with no emotion at all. Minsan kasi, gusto ni Russel na makisimpatya siya, pero madalas, walang pakialam si Trison.”

“What do you mean?”

“He always loses his team. Nang-iiwan siya sa ere. He doesn’t care.”

Naalala ko nga ‘yon. He ditched his team because it slowed him down.

“Ayos lang naman kay Russel na ganoon si Trison lalo na’t nagbibigay naman agad ang ama niya ng bagong team. Pero… para kay Russel, parang… kahit siya… baka iwan din ni Trison sa ere?”

Kumunot ang noo ko at lumingon kay Diana.

“But Trison cares for him. They’re like brothers. Trison was jailed and he found Russel’s father there. When Russel’s father escaped, dinala niya si Trison. Which coincidentally, was his father’s right hand. Kaya… ang papa ni Russel ang naging daan para mahanap niya ang papa niya.”

“Hindi niya naman siguro iiwan si Russel sa ere. They’re best friends…” sabi ko, tila ba normal na relasyon lamang ng pagkakaibigan ang pinag-uusapan namin at walang ilegal na kasali.

Tumingin si Diana sa akin ng makahulugan.

“Ngunit sa tuwing naiisip ko na kahit ikaw tinalikuran niya…minsan…kabado na ako na kaya niya iyong gawin kahit kanino,” aniya

Tahimik kong tiningnan ang dagat nang maalala kong handa niya akong itapon sa highway. Kung hindi lang tumawag si Russel, hindi magbabago ang isip niya.

I wonder if Trison has someone with whom he really opens up? Someone he truly trusts Lalo na’t pakiramdam ko, kahit sa akin, sa sobrang kabisado niya ako, wala siyang tiwala kaya ayaw niyang nandito ako. Because he knows I will snap his plans. Just like how I tore his research paper from the past.

“Hindi ko nga alam kung marunong pa rin ba siyang magmahal? I’ve seen most of the woman he…uh…”

I nodded. “It’s fine.”

“He bed with…”

“May isang babae na clingy sa kanya sa umagang ‘yon. Uh… hahalik sana. But Trison tilted his head as if he didn’t want her anymore.”

Ngumiwi ako.

“She’s a supermodel too.”

Really? Wow.

Kukwestiyunin ko sana bakit nasikmurang patulan si Trison sa kabila ng pagiging sikat niya bilang most wanted kaso oo nga pala, pinatulan ko rin siya sa kama.

“He’s toxic, Ayeselle. Far from that New West vibes of him. Naiirita na nga ako sa kanya minsan. Hindi kaya kami magkasundo! Nagugulat nalang si Russel bakit minsan gusto kong batuhin ng baso! And I would say, “Oh thank god Ayeselle didn’t end up with you!” and then he would just reply, like, “Why? Did I want her to end up with me?” See?! Gago talaga! Akala mo hindi ko nakitang kinikilig sa’yo at hinahalikan ka sa labas ng kotse! Nakakairita! Sana v-in-edio ko ‘yon para lagi kong ipaplay sa malaking tv kahit alam kong mahirap siyang bwesitin!”

He was once a daydream that became a nightmare, a lullaby melody that became intense, and a refuge that became savage. A light… that turned dark…

Kumikirot ang dibdib ko sa tuwing naalala ang nakaraan. Those were the only memories I treasured.

“Ay… oo nga pala! First time ‘yon kanina! ‘Yung nabali siya! First time ko siyang makitang galit! He’s emotionless sometimes. He takes everything like a piece of cake! Chill! But earlier… he snapped! I really knew it! He cares for you!”

Ayan na naman ang pagiging assuming niya.

“He cares for me when he almost wants to throw me in the street?! When I fought his men alone while I found him sipping his champagne in his room?!”

“Gago? What a rude boy!” Humagalpak siya.

Umirap ako at natawa nalang din.

“Ay hindi Ayeselle, mahal ka no’n! Gano’n magmahal ang mga badboy, masakit! Nasasaktan ka ‘di ba? Signs na ‘yan!”

I laughed and pushed her a bit.

“At nandito ka. Gusto ka niyang ipagdamot sa iba kaya ka niya kinukulong. Territorial! Possessive! Mahal na mahal ka niya!”

“Shut up, Diana!” I laughed more.

“Pag iniwan ka niya sa ere, ibig sabihin lang no’n, pinapalaya kana niya. Hindi ‘yon ghosting! Gano’n ang pagmamahal, may sacrifice!”

Ilang minuto kaming nagtawanan saka lang kumalma at nangingiting tiningnan ang magandang kulay ng langit.

“Did you see his father?” tanong ko nang maalala ang binanggit niya kanina.

Umiling si Diana. “Hindi eh. He doesn’t show up. Most of their illegal transactions were handled by Trison himself. Siya na ang pinahawak ng papa niya. Even Russel admitted that he hasn’t seen Trison’s father too… Gano’n daw ka ilap at alisto.”

So… no one really knows his face?

“Parte din kasi ‘yon ng tactic ng papa ni Trison para hindi raw mahuli. Pero nakakapanindig balahibong malaman na minsan nasa tabi tabi lang pala siya?”

Kinilabutan din ako habang iniisip iyon. Kung gaano ka tago ang ama niya, si Trison naman ay bulgaran ang pagiging… kriminal.

“Ilang taon na bang pinaghahanap ang papa niya? Halos sixteen lang kasi ako noong dumating ako sa Caraga. I have no idea about his father. Alam ko lang kriminal.”

“Bata pa lang ako, usap-usapan na ‘yon sa buong Caraga na anak siya ng kriminal. Hindi ko nga nakita ang papa niya kahit picture man lang. Si Trison lang ang madalas kong namamataan kasi nakakarating siya sa subdivision namin kakatakbo para makipaglaro sa ibang bata.” She chuckled.

Ngumuso ako. I know she used to like him in the past, but I kind of envy her because she got the chance to see his innocence… before this happened.

Bumaling si Diana sa akin habang naninimbang ang tingin.

“Mahal mo pa ba?”

Lumunok ako. Medyo nagiging madilim na ng kaonti ang paligid, hudyat na ano mang oras, maggagabi na.

“He’s in the dark.”

“Mahal mo pa?” She tilted her head, looking at me more.

“Maling landas ang pinili niya—”

“Mahal mo pa,” she confirmed.

I bowed my head and looked at the soft crashing of the waves that kissed my feet.

“Hindi naman nawala…” I admitted sincerely.

I could freely strip my truth because it was Diana.

“Pero alam mo ‘yon, Diana, mahal ko siya pero tanggap ko na hindi kami magkakatuluyan. Tanggap ko kahit sa iba siya. O… kung saan niya man gusto.” I tried to smile but I couldn’t, so I just licked my lower lip.

“Ang hindi ko matanggap ay bakit ganito ang pinili niyang landas…”

Bumuntonghininga siya. “That’s my question too.”

I smiled weakly at her. “Ang hirap. Parang… dalawa lang ang patutunguhan niya. Mahuhuli siya at pwedeng habangbuhay siyang makukulong o…” I stopped speaking. Hindi ko man ituloy, alam kong nababasa niya.

Diana caressed her flat stomach. “Meron kaya? Pero baka nagbunga rin kagabi? Hindi kami nagcondom.” She changed the topic to make it lighter.

“Eh kayo?” agap niya.

“Of course we did,” sabi ko.

“Eh paano kung butas?” she teased.

“I’m always taking depo shots for my modeling career. That’s why I told him to bring condoms so I could double-check. Matatapos na rin kasi this month.”

“Eh paano kung…”

“No, Diana. I don’t want a child with him. I don’t like it. I might abort it right away,” giit ko.

Medyo nagulat siya dahil marahas ko iyong nasabi at talagang determinado ako.

“‘Y-Yung nangyari sa amin, wala lang ‘yon. Ayoko na… sa kanya.” I admitted bravely when I was just trying to convince myself to keep myself on the right side.

I don’t want my child to have a father like him. Well yes, I might love him in the darkness without admitting that I was still in love with him, as I tried to make it seem that I’ve fully moved on, but I don’t want our child to experience what the young Trison has experienced as well.

It might be my nightmare as a mother. I don’t want my child to live in shame… and a laughingstock because his father failed to choose what was right.

Kaya kong magpanggap na wala na akong ni katiting na nararamdaman sa kanya. Kaya kong bitiwan siya. Nagawa ko na iyon noon. At magagawa ko rin ngayon. Ngunit kung makikita ko sa sarili kong anak ang paghihirap ni Trison, parang doon ako guguho.

Bumalik din naman kami ni Diana sa Resort. Pagpunta namin sa bay view, sumalubong si Russel at may sinasabi kay Diana. He was talking seriously, but as soon as Diana grinned, he kissed the side of her head and held her chin.

“Ain’t funny here, woman,” si Russel na magkasalubong ang kilay at nadepina ang pagiging suplado.

“Last day na kasi bukas! Are we gonna go to Switzerland right away? And I have a surprise for you…” Diana continued talking childishly.

“What?” Kumunot ang noo ni Russel.

Diana was about to leave in front of him, but Russel pulled her waist, tilting his head, and looking so curious.

“Ano?”

“Huwag ngayon! Sa Switzerland na! Surprise nga ‘di ba!”

Russel’s eyes were twinkling. I haven’t seen such a man look at a woman like it was his world.

He promised the world. Diana stayed not because she expected to build a mansion in this paradise, but because she had made him her home. And that was enough for her.

I’ve seen her relationships with multiple men in the past. Sa dami ng nakarelasyon niya, pinaasa siya, niloko, ngayon ko lang nakita na… nahanap niya ang totoong magmamahal sa kanya.

Malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko at parang nasa akin ang ikakaguho ni Diana. Hawak ko.

Russel loves her. He loves her. My eyes drifted on his hand placement while caressing her back, his brow arching as he listened carefully to Diana’s playful rants.

“Rus…” A voice called him.

God. Trison really moved like he was floating! Hindi mo mararamdamang nariyan na pala siya!

Sumenyas si Russel na saglit lang, nakatingin pa kay Diana at pinapatapos muna ito, tumatango, at ayaw bitiwan.

I slowly glanced at my back until I saw him. He was serious compared to last night. Or, compared to the stance I’m used to.

“I’ll wait for you upstairs,” si Trison na umalis agad at hindi man lang namansin o tumingin sa akin.

Napansin iyon ni Diana at Russel. Sa titig nila, basang basa ko ang tumatakbo sa isip na isa ako sa hindi kayang paamuhin si Trison. Tumikhim ako at hinayaan si Trison na umalis.

“Ibibigay ko ang spare key mamaya, Ayeselle. Gapangin mo sa kuwarto niya.” She grinned.

Natawa ako sa kalokohan niya habang si Russel ay walang reaksyon, tila sanay na kay Diana.

“Sinundo kayo ni Wallace sa ibaba,” he pointed out.

What? Kumunot din ang noo ni Diana.

“Hindi ah. Hindi namin siya nakita,” ani Diana.

Russel looked at me. “Ah… baka nanigarilyo nalang ‘yon.”

Naalala ko ang usapan namin ni Diana. I’m quite bothered, but at the same time, why would he even care about it? As if we would… ended up together? There’s no more chance for us. We’ve run out of time. This love isn’t ours. We will never have it.

That night, I decided to go to Trison’s room. I need some evidence, which I could at least get. Tomorrow is the shipment. If he ever… let’s say… escape… there might be another clue as to where his next plans will take place.

Ang alam ko, lumabas si Trison. The room was empty when I went in, so I locked the door again since Diana allowed me to have the spare keys. The scent has told me that it was indeed his space.

I immediately ransacked the drawers, looking for his things. Kung madalas sila rito, o ito mismo ang rest house nila, lalo na’t mukhang nasa liblib ang factory na kahit si Diana ay walang ideya, baka sakaling may mahanap ako.

My chest was banging loudly as I searched for anything. Ang una kong agad na nahanap ay ang ginagamit niya para mang-angkin ng kotse! If he doesn’t have this, he won’t ransack any car that fast.

Ipinasok ko iyon sa cycling ko at hinalungkat din ang kama. Pagkakuha sa unan, ang agarang bumungad sa akin ay ang pitaka niya.

Napatitig ako roon, napatingin sa pinto, at kinuha agad ang kanyang pitaka. Hindi ako halos makahinga nang buksan iyon at ang unang bumungad sa akin ay ang picture… ang picture namin ng mama niya. It was the only photo he had in his pocket. It was the picture her mother wanted to brag to her friends that… Trison… has a pretty girlfriend.

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Why did he keep this? I really don’t understand…

Binuklat ko iyon at nakahanap ng isang pirasong condom na ikinangiwi ko agad. Umirap ako at kinuha ang nakatuping papel na naroon.

As soon as I opened it, my eyes widened when I confirmed that it was the suicide note of his mother! He… he kept it! Lumunok ako, mabilis iyong itinuping muli at ibinalik sa dating pwesto.

He got no cash at all. Just cards and IDs! Pinagtitingnan ko ang mga iyon at puro IDs niya na Wallace Serrano. Some are fake identities he had used, and I believe there were five of them, but his main was Wallace Serrano since he has the government’s ID, which has his name on it.

Kuryoso kong nahanap ang isa pang nakatuping letter. When I took it, the engraved Trison in the front was so familiar that I didn’t want to open it because I’d memorized the words I’d written there.

He… kept it too. He read my letter.

My shoulder loosened.

“This is an invasion of privacy, Miss Ferrarin.”

Napatili ako sa gulat at nahagis ang wallet ni Trison nang mapalingon ako sa kanya. He caught it smoothly and arched his brow.

“Saan ka dumaan?!” tanong ko habang hawak ang dibdib ko.

Nilingon niya ang bukas na transparent door.

“I always leave it open…”

What the? Nakaharang kasi ang kurtina kaya akala ko sarado! What the hell. He’s wise! He’s really wise!

Binuksan ni Trison ang wallet niya at tila ba ch-in-eck kung may kinuha ako. Noong masiguradong walang nawawala, isinilid niya iyon sa bulsa niya.

Tumingin siya sa katawan ko. Napalunok ako nang maalalang may inipit ako sa gilid ng cycling shorts ko. Kabado ako sa totoo lang, lalo na’t kung kakapkapan niya ako ngayon, mahuhuli niya ako.

He would know that after what happened to us, I am still willing to push him to where he should be. Pilit kong tinatama ang mga maling hindi niya kayang itama, o ayaw niyang itama. I love him… and I cannot tolerate these wrongdoings.

Ngunit sa tuwing tititigan ko siya, sa tuwing maaalala ko ang nakaraan, laging nasa likod ng aking utak kung ano ang kahihinatnan ko kung sakaling nahulog ako sa patibong niya.

“You should leave,” malamig niyang sinabi at hinihila na ang suot na tshirt sa likuran.

I looked at his massive back. Kinuha ko ang tingin at naglakad na patungo sa pinto. Gusto ko mang pag-usapan ang nahanap ko sa kanyang pitaka, ngunit parang ang tanga tanga ko na para limusin ang sagot na isinasampal na sa akin.

It feels heavy. Gusto kong may sabihin ngunit sa katiting na hawak ko at ayokong mabali niya, parang iyon nalang ang kinakapitan ko para lamang manatili sa liwanag. Para lamang hindi mahulog sa dilim.

Trison… I meant every word I wrote in the letter. And it was clearer to me now.

When I said, I’ll wait for you, I meant it. When I said, I’ll go to you if you call for me, I meant it. When I said, I’ll turn my back on everything, I meant it, Trison.

But I’ve never heard a word from you. I waited. Those journeys I’ve made, how far I’ve walked, weren’t because I was eager to leave you, but because I was hopeful I’d see you in the future…

Tinakbuhan ko ang nakaraan natin dahil akala ko, hindi iyon ang oras para sa ating dalawa. Na sa pag-usad ng panahon, mahahanap at mahahanap kita. But… I didn’t.

And I guess I would never find someone who was hiding in the darkness. You watched, didn’t you? You’ve watched me slip into your life while keeping a distance. You’ve watched me… lose you.

Kaya siguro hindi kita kayang habulin kasi kusa kang lumalayo sa akin.

You didn’t want to be with me the way I dreamed of being with you. You didn’t want to spend your life with me the way I silently wanted to go home in your arms. You didn’t choose me the way I told you that, in spite of the darkness, I’d blindly choose you.

You… you… abandoned me.

Dahil kung nabasa mo ang sulat, kung… nasa iyo naman pala, bakit… hindi mo man lang naisip na tumakbo patungo sa akin? You kept your distance.

And I understand. It’s okay. The path we have chosen for each other is very different. I cannot walk the path you’ve walked. As much as I want to walk with you, I guess you want me to move forward without expecting that I’ll meet you halfway.

You… won’t be waiting for me. You won’t risk it to be with me. You’ve… given up on me.

I’m going home. I understand… I can do it… Alone.

And wherever you might end up, always remember my letter. You have me. In any way… And it’s fine now if you haven’t given me any piece of you I could grasp…

I cried silently. It was the most painful realization. Akala ko ang tapang tapang kong manindigan, ngunit noong isinampal sa akin na matapang niyang pinanindigang huwag akong piliin, ang sakit pala…

Because all those years, I’ve waited. Silently. I waited, Trison… I waited for you…

“Ay umiyak…” Diana frowned at me as soon as I woke up.

Kinabukasan, mas kumalabog ang dibdib ko nang dumami na ang tao sa Resort. I couldn’t even figure out if they were part of them, or just plain guests of the Resort.

Ayoko nang pag-usapan kung ano man ang nagpaiyak sa akin. And Diana sensed it too. Kaya siguro buong araw, hindi niya na ako tinanong doon.

“Kilala mo ba si Draven?” tanong ni Diana habang nagminimake-up-an na ako.

“Uh.. ‘yung Blancaver?”

“Oo. Grabe, siya lang naman ang gumawa ng rifles ngayon ng special unit. Nakuha rin iyon ni Trison doon sa Caraga.”

I’ve seen the CCTV footage since Arkaine showed it to me.

Hindi na ako nagbigay ng komento lalo na’t malakas ang kalabog ng dibdib ko habang nagbibihis kami para makihalubilo sa party. As she said, we would serve as lookouts! Damn it!

The party is a distraction while they’re gonna process the shipment! Ngayong gabi na iyon aalis!

She let me wear a white satin long dress with ring hoops on my ear, which she gifted to me along with the diamond necklace. I put my hair in a low ponytail and put on soft makeup just to highlight my features.

Diana was in her red satin dress with a slit on the sides. Nakalugay ang kanyang buhok at sobrang ganda niya na hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti.

The party was happening in the bay view area overlooking the beach. Diana doesn’t want me to blend in too much because it might create a commotion knowing that I’m in the news. But she was so wise to let me wear a white mask with crystals that covered half of my face so no one would immediately recognize me.

The Resort was indeed crowded compared to yesterday. Some of the guests were already in their late thirties or forties, but some seemed younger than me. Baka nasa late twenties. Ramdam ko ang pagiging bakasyunista nila at ang mga accent ng iilan habang manghang mangha sa paligid.

Diana seems to enjoy the party while indulging herself with the wine and the uplifting music that could lighten your mood. Sa gumagalaw na neon lights, at sa liwanag sa kabila ng gabi, aninag ko ang bawat mukha ng mga naroon na naaaliw sa party at sa tanawin lalo na’t gabi na rin at mas nadepina ang kumikislap na mga bituin sa madilim na langit.

I took a champagne flute and sipped the drink as I walked to Diana’s side. Ngunit biglang may bumangga sa akin na natapon iyon sa dibdib ko. Shit!

“Oh I’m sorry… My fault,” agap ko habang tumingin ang lalake sa akin.

“Sorry, miss. Hindi ko sinasadya. Gusto mo bang… samahan kita sa rest room?” he offered.

I shook my head, thinking it might be one of Trison’s men roving around, including the others to serve as lookouts.

“No thanks. I can manage…” Ngiti ko at tumalikod na.

I took a napkin off the table as I walked to the stairs so I could fix it when I stopped.

Ilang sigundo akong natigilan nang mapagtantong… ang lalake… na lumapit… ay ang… nasa Seven-Eleven na pulubi.

Kinilabutan ako. W-Why is he dressed in a tuxedo when… the last time I remembered… he looked so ragged and… homeless.

And this scene is very familiar. Kung hindi ko lang napanood ang cctv kung paano rin ako binangga, hindi ko ito pag-iisipan ng ibang bagay.

Wala sa sarili akong bumalik sa daan habang malakas ang kalabog ng aking dibdib. I noticed a man just take a glance at me. Now that I’ve paid more attention, it was the man who bought something at Seven-Eleven too! How would I not forget him when he’s behind me! And I caught a glimpse of his face!

Hindi lamang isa ang naramdaman kong pasimpleng lumilingon at idinudulas ang tingin sa akin, there were women too!

They’re here. Damn it! They’re here! They first disguised themselves as a normal buyer and a beggar, and now they’re disguised as guests! Oh my god!

At paano iyon nangyari kung pagpunta ko roon ay naroon na sila? How did they found out I an planning to go there? Kaya ba sila nandito ngayon dahil agad nilang kinuha sa babae ang iniwan kong papel?

Mas lalo akong kinutuban kaya hinanap ko agad si Diana. She was in a crowded place in front of the food and beverages. A woman was behind her, noticed me, and put something on her purse back as she tried to act busy with the food.

“Samahan mo ako sa banyo! I stained my dress!” I said, acting like I didn’t notice everything when I sensed it! I sensed all of it!

Diana looked at me absentmindedly, still distracted by the wine glass she was holding and was about to sip, but then, as soon as she saw the stain on my dress, her eyes widened.

Mabilis niyang binitiwan ang wine glass at ibinalik sa mesa. The woman behind her walked from the other side and touched her ear a bit as she turned her back.

That wine… I think they put something in it! At dahil nilapitan ko si Diana, hindi niya nainom! I’ve seen what the woman hid, and it’s a small bottle!

Pagkalapit ni Diana sa akin na gulat pa, hinila ko agad ang kanyang kamay. I dragged her to the stairs while I couldn’t even hear her rants about the dress.

“You were so pretty, and you ruined it!” reklamo niya nang makapasok kami sa kuwarto niya.

Natataranta akong lumapit sa lalagyan niya ng mga damit at pinagkukuha iyon. Diana walked toward me.

“Chill! At wala diyan ang dress ko,” she chuckled.

“Give me a bag!” I demanded.

“Huh?”

“Diana, now!” I shouted.

Kumunot ang noo niya habang patuloy kong pinagkukuha ang mga gamit niya. Hinablot ko lahat habang mabilis ang kalabog ng dibdib ko.

“What’s happening—”

“I didn’t tell you the truth,” agap ko habang nagmamadali ang kilos ko, pinagbubuksan din ang kanyang drawer.

“What… truth?”

“I wasn’t kidnapped.”

“What?” Medyo natawa siya pero ramdam ko ang taranta niya.

“You need to leave this place. Now,” sabi ko habang nakatayo pa rin siya sa gilid ko.

“Where’s your passport? You will leave—”

“Ayeselle, anong nangyayari?” she asked desperately. “At anong… hindi ka nakidnap? Dinala ka ni Trison dito…”

Umiling ako. “I purposely went with him!”

Natigilan siya.

“And while… while we’re on our way… I… left evidence so… the police could track him down—Diana!” I called when she shook her head and ran to the door.

“Diana! Kailangan mong umalis kundi masasali ka sa raid! I think the party was full of undercover police!” sigaw ko habang humahabol sa kanya.

No! I need to separate her! Or else she would be caught with them!

Chapter 36

Trigger Warning:
Violence

Lose

Desperadang tumakbo pababa si Diana. Nasa may hagdan na siya at sumunod agad ako nang kapwa kami matumba dahil sa malakas na sunod sunod na putok ng baril.

Nakita ko ang babaeng sinipa ang ambang pagpapaputok ng lalake. It wasn’t just one commotion, because when I stood to see what was happening in the bay view, everyone was fighting!

May mga bumulagta na, pakiramdam ko, dahil nanlaban. They were fighting in close combat, some were pinned to the ground as they disarmed Trison’s men, and some were now handcuffed. This is really a raid!

Mabilis ang pagtayo ko, kinaladkad si Diana pabalik sa itaas habang nagugulat siya at hindi agad makakilos.

“Si Russel!” she screamed while I dragged her back to her room.

“Now! Take all of your things and leave!” I shouted desperately.

“Bitiwan mo ako, Ayeselle! Hindi tayo parehas ng pinaglalaban dito! Kung ikaw, tanggap mo na papatayin sila ng mga pulis na ‘yan, pwes ako, hindi!”

“They won’t kill them! They’re trying to catch all of them!”

“Then what’s those guns, huh?! Pag tatama ba ‘yon sa katawan nila, makakatulog lang sila? They want all of them dead, Ayeselle! So get out of my way! Kailangang malaman nila Trison ang nangyayari dito—”

I slapped her hard. She stopped her panic and looked at me while crying. Umiling siya at nahawakan ang ulo habang napaupo sa sahig.

“Hindi ko alam kung… kaya kong mag-isa… kung wala siya,” she whispered weakly.

“Kakayanin mo! He chose that path! He created that! He would understand if you would choose your own path too, Diana! He must understand if you created your own path too!”

Tahimik siyang umiyak. Wala nang oras para roon kaya binalikan ko ang mga gamit niya habang pinapanood niya ako.

“Kung ikaw, kaya mong wasakin ang buhay mo para sa isang lalakeng hindi ka kayang ilagay sa lugar na hindi ka mapapahamak, pwes ako hindi!” I shouted while putting the things in the bag I grabbed while crying.

“I will vouch for you! If Arkaine won’t believe me, then leave the country! You are not part of them!”

Pumikit siya habang sunod sunod na ang naririnig naming putok ng baril sa ibaba.

“If you are pregnant, then you have a child to protect! If the baby of your father can’t even do the right thing, then it is now your duty as a mother to stand up for what’s right! For what’s best for your child!”

Ilang sigundo siyang naroon habang mabilis na ang mga kilos ko. Diana stood and took her bag, which she hid behind the bed.

“Nandito lahat. Hindi ko na kailangan ang mga gamit ko. Bibili nalang ako ng bago,” she replied while crying.

Hindi ko alam kung sasaktan ko siya dahil talagang iyon pa ang nasabi niya sa gitna ng gulong ito?!

Someone was banging loudly on the door when our heads turned to look at it. Whoever it was, I know we can’t trust them so easily right now.

“Baka ang tauhan ni Russel!” Nag-amba siyang buksan iyon ngunit hinila ko siya agad. We need at least one gun in an emergency!

“May mga baril ka ba?” I asked.

Namilog ang mga mata niya. “Ayeselle, hindi ako kriminal!”

See?! She doesn’t even have a gun! I can vouch for that too—that she’s unarmed! But we need at least one!

“Stay here! Just stand there! And don’t move! Don’t look at me! Just look at the door!”

“Ayeselle!” Tawag niya habang deritso ang punta ko sa likod ng pinto.

Kaya noong bumukas iyon, at nadikit ako sa pader habang may pumapasok, mas nakumpirma namin na hindi iyon tauhan nila Trison.

“Dapa!” she shouted.

Diana’s eyes widened. She looked so hesitant as the woman’s shadow moved forward with a gun in her hand. When I saw it at the side of the door, I used my foot and kicked it so hard that the gun flew out of her hand as she cursed.

“Get the gun!” I shouted at Diana and pushed the door closed.

Natataranta iyong kinuha ni Diana at halos takot pa. She was holding the gun clumsily, and I bet this was even her first time.

“Huwag mong kalabitin!” I shouted when her finger accidentally touched the trigger.

“Hindi ko kinakalabit! Malay ko ba!”

“You haven’t held a gun?” Which I confirmed because she looked like she was holding a disgusting item she hates so much.

“Hindi ako pinapahawak ni Russel, okay! Iba ang pinapahawak niya sa akin!”

“Oh my god!” I rolled my eyes dramatically because I knew what she meant while I pushed the door more because the woman kept on banging it outside.

“Pumuputok din naman ‘yon pero hindi literal na langit ang pupuntahan ko—”

Now, I could really tell that Russel is taking care of her, in spite of the danger he’s in. He was treating her like a damn princess! Kaya naman pala hindi makalabas labas itong si Diana sa kanya!

“Shut up and give me the chair, Diana!” putol ko.

Sa taranta niya, ang maarte niyang kilos na nakasanayan ko ay singliksi na ng naasinang bulate. Agad ko iyong inilagay sa pinto para hindi agad iyon madaling mabuksan.

I grabbed her pulse, took the gun out of her hand, and pulled her to the sliding door as I opened the veranda. Ang tangi niyang dinala ang ay ang maliit na bag na tinutukoy niyang naroon lahat ng kailangan niya.

“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! You have a gun!” she panicked.

“Russel has a gun, and he’s a criminal, but you didn’t panic,” I answered while I put her behind me.

“Iba naman ‘yon, Ayeselle! I’m used to him looking dangerous! But not you! You were angelic and—”

I pulled her from the side of the alley and covered her mouth when the woman successfully broke into the room and went out looking for us.

“The subject escaped with the Ferrarin. I repeat. The subject escaped with the Ferrarin. Close the borders of the Resort.” We heard the woman’s desperate voice alerting everyone.

Halos hindi huminga si Diana habang ramdam ko ang matinding kalabog ng aming dibdib. When the woman went out of the room, so I looked at the stairs and pulled her up.

“They closed the border,” she panicked while whispering. “And what the hell… Am I the subject she was talking about? What am I? A project?!”

I hushed her. Hawak ko ang baril kung sakali mang kailangan ko iyong gamitin panakot. I shouldn’t be doing this! I just hurt a policeman! I might face some charges for causing damage to their operation, oh my gosh! May kaso na rin ba ako?!

“I’ll get you out of here,” sabi ko.

Nakarating kami sa mismong bukana ng Resort kung saan naka park ang mga kotse. Ang kaguluhan ay naroon sa ibaba at wala halos ang nandito, but for sure, the entrance of the Resort were full of police too!

Ang amba naming pagtakbo patungo sa parking lot ay hindi natuloy nang may marahas na humila sa buhok ko, dahilan na nakalas ang pagkakatali at naramdaman ko pa ang pagdulas ng kanyang mga daliri sa hibla ng aking buhok na agaran niyang hinawakan. He pulled it so hard that I dropped the gun as the man slammed me against the nearest wall!

“Get the gun, Diana!” sigaw ko at nag-ambang manlabang tumayo ngunit dalawa sila!

“Tang ina niyo talagang mga Ferrarin! Laging nanghihimasok! Sakit kayo lagi sa ulo!” he shouted and pulled me up roughly.

Diana was panicking while trying to find the gun. The other man grabbed my arm, but I used the advantage of my heel and stomped on his foot while I elbowed the man behind me as they both groaned and crouched down.

“Tang ina ka!” The man stood and aimed the gun at me.

Before he could fire it, I used my other foot and kicked it, including his face, until he lost his balance. Ang isang lalake ay tumakbo sa likuran ko at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. I groaned and pushed myself until he got slammed on the nearest wall, but it wasn’t enough to escape his tight hug!

“Diana!” I shouted when I saw the other man pulling himself up.

The other man went to my front and choked me to death. The other man behind me was gripping both of my hands from behind, restraining me from fighting them back. Sumigaw si Diana at pinaghahampas ang lalake sa likod ngunit siniko siya.

“The gun… Use it!” I tried to give her some ideas while I was running out of breath.

The air was now strangling me to the core. I tried to wiggle my body, but they were both restraining me, while the man choked me more with the wrath in his eyes, desperate to kill me.

“Lagi nalang talaga kayong nakikialam! Manang mana ka roon sa angkan niyo! Mamatay na kayong lahat!” he shouted angrily.

Diana ran toward us again with the gun she had clumsily picked up. But instead of shooting, iyon ang ginamit niyang panapak sa likod ng lalake. Ang tanga!

My eyes rolled back as I opened my mouth, trying to at least grab any air from my lungs. The man elbowed Diana again, who immediately stepped backward and lost her balance.

“S-Shoot!” I tried to shout when I could no longer use my voice, my vision was almost blurred.

Tumayo si Diana, sa galit at taranta, inangat niya ang baril at sunod sunod ang pagpapaputok habang mariin ang pikit. The two men got so distracted that the choke loosened, so I grabbed the opportunity to use my knee and pushed it upwards, hitting his crotch.

Dumaing ang lalake at napaluhod sa harap ko. I banged my head against the man who gripped me until his grip on my hands loosened. Mabilis akong kumawala at tumakbo kay Diana na sumisigaw at natataratang umiikot habang pinapaputok iyon sa itaas.

I immediately stood behind her, controlled her hands as I joined her fingers on the trigger, and aimed it at the first man who tried to get the gun as I shot his hand, which he groaned, shifted my position to the left side as I aimed the gun at the man who tried to stand up and shoot his leg, which he knelt down again, and shifted the gun to the next man nearing us who was about to shoot so I aimed his foot.

Sa bawat pagpapaputok ko, bumabalot ang bawat sigaw ni Diana at pagtalon ng kanyang balikat. Her body moved along with the movement of my body, like a robot I was trying to control in every shift of my position.  She wasn’t used to gunshots! Nor to handle them! And she boldly told me that she was part of them?! This woman is really blinded by her feelings for Russel!

When I secured that I targeted all of them who were coming after me to stop me from getting Diana, I lowered the gun down. Lahat sila ay umuungol na at namimilipit sa sakit.

Diana’s jaw dropped. “What the hell?! So the rumors about the Ferrarins that you were all violent are true?!”

Violent? Kung si Arkaine ang nandito, she would fight them with only her knives, and Diana’s soul would really be left in her body. How Arkaine would use the bodies of her opponents like darts, hitting the fatal parts with just one throw!

Nang kunin sa kanyang kamay ang baril, mabilis ang pagtakbo ni Diana sa lalakeng umuungol at pinigilan ang pagdugo ng hita niya.

“Oh my gosh! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! You should not have hurt her! Ayeselle! Mamamatay siya!” She glanced at me with a panicked expression.

I went to her and picked her up. “That’s not fatal, Diana. I wish I targeted some bones so he couldn’t walk anymore, but I didn’t. Makakatayo pa siya bago mauubusan ng dugo rito.”

Namilog ang mga mata ni Diana sa akin ngunit mabilis ko na siyang hinila sa mga kotseng nakapark. Pinulot niya pa ang kanyang purse na nabitiwan niya rin kanina.

“I know that the Ferrarins are well known as shooters in Caraga, pero alam ko si Donya, Ayeselle! She has a long shot gun! But I didn’t know that even though you were heavily trained that you have the guts to shoot them!” ramdam ko ang gulat sa tinig niya habang hawak ko ang kamay niya at naghahanap ng kotseng pwedeng gamitin.

Lumusot kami sa mga kotse. Itinutok ko ang baril sa bawat gulong at pinaputok iyon. Siniguradong butas ang lahat.

“Anong ginagawa mo?” tarantang tanong ni Diana.

“Making sure they won’t even dare follow us.” Saka ko siya hinila sa isang kotse.

I took the weapon out of the side of my waist I stole from Trison last night and pushed it to the key hole of the car until it opened. Thank God I got this! Mapapakinabangan ko pala!
And I cannot believe I’m using what Trison has taught me!

Pinapasok ko agad si Diana sa driver’s seat na natatarantang naghanap. Sa likod ako pumasok at lumipat lamang sa front seat.

“Walang susi! Walang susi! Mamamatay na tayo!” she shouted.

OBD port… OBD port… Yumuko ako at kinapa ang naalalang itinuro ni Trison saka ako nagplug doon ng ninakaw ko kay Trison hanggang sa katulad ng nangyayari ng ilang sigundo, gumana agad iyon.

“Oh my gosh! Ano ‘yung ginawa mo?! Did I just witness how you hijacked a car?!”

“Drive!” sigaw ko at hinila ang gear.

Natatarantang hinawakan ni Diana ang manibela at marahan pa ang pagpapaalis noon sa parking lot.

“Make it fast, Diana!” I shouted frustratingly.

“Wait lang! Mababangga ko ‘yung bumper pag di ako nag-ingat!” Lingon niya sa likod habang pinapaikot ang manibela, akala mo nasa driving class at natatakot magkamali!

“That’s not important! Just make it quick!”

“Wala akong driver’s license, Ayeselle! Yes, I know how to drive, but those were automatic, unlike this manual!”

“And how do you run after the police?”

“Huh? Anong tingin mo, mala Trison kami?! Sumasakay ng private jet! Naghihintay lang ako! I have no idea what they’re up to, okay! May sarili rin akong driver! He’s treating me like a princess! The only exhausting part was our sex in the middle of those trips—”

“Increase the speed, Diana!” putol ko nang nasa forty speed lamang iyon at inapakan ang kabilang gas para lamang bumilis ang usad namin.

“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Kriminal ka rin ba! Nagdududa na ako sa’yo, Ayeselle! Why are you so skilled?! Ikaw yata ang nasa wrong side at hindi ako!”

There were men who tried to get on our way while Diana’s eyes widened. She hit the steering wheel until it beeped while the men were signaling us to stop, which I confirmed were police!

“Alis kayo! Masasagasaan ko kayo! Oh no! This is gonna be my first case if I don’t stop! Ayeselle! I’m pregnant! I am not a mommy criminal!” she shouted dramatically.

Inapakan ko lalo ang gas hanggang bumilis ang tulin ng kotse at hinawakan ang manibela saka ko iniliko sa masukal na daan para maiwasan ang mga pulis sa harap na ikinatili ni Diana.

I pulled myself onto the driver’s seat, sat on her lap, and pushed the reclined seat until Diana’s body reclined as well. Marahas kong iniliko ang manibela at tiningnan ang itaas ng salamin. The men were now using their walkie-talkie, and it seems like they alerted all of their team that someone was on the run.

Isa roon ang ginamit ang isang motor at humabol. Shit! Sa masukal na daan, his motorcycle is best suited as a vehicle for this situation. But there’s no time to complain!

Tumili si Diana nang lumebel sa amin ang motorsiklo at hinampas ang bintana.

“Oh no! Oh no! Shoot him!”

“I can’t aim at him! He’s a police!” I shouted back.

“What?! Then stop!”

“Kukunin ka niya!”

“Then shoot him!”

God… I’d die right away if we were at war and she was with me! Mabibingi na ako at magpapanic ako kasama niya! Baka sabay pa kaming mamatay!

“Ah! Watch out! Watch out! There’s a beef! I mean… a living beef! Beef! Buhay na baka! Baka!” si Diana na niyugyog ako, halos hindi na maayos ang mga salita niya dahil sa sobrang pagkakataranta.

I hit the beep until it ran from the other side, tila natakot na masasagasaan.  Oh, Diana really needs to stop drinking too much coffee!

“Pull the window down, Diana!” sigaw ko nang may sinisigaw sa akin ang pulis.

Naghanap agad ang ulo niya, halos hindi na yata alam kung nasaan ang button.

“Nasa gilid! Press it!” sigaw ko.

“Gilid! Gilid!” she repeated my words, panicking until she pressed it down.

“Itigil mo ang kotse, Ferrarin! Kung ipinagpatuloy mo ito, makakasuhan ka sa panggugulo sa operasyon!” he shouted desperately.

“Ikaw ang tumigil manong pulis!” Diana screamed back.

“Itigil niyo! Ngayon din! Kung hindi! Mapipilitan akong pwersahin kayo!” He took the gun out from his side using his other hand.

Nakita ko sa itaas ng salamin ang pagtangka niyang barilin ang gulong kaya iniliko ko agad iyon. He tailed behind the car, desperate to shoot it. I increased the speed and pulled one of Diana’s hands onto the side of the steering wheel.

“Drive!”

“W-What! Hindi ko makita ang daan since you’re sitting on my lap!”

I shifted my position and faced sideways. Her eyes were still widening. Ngayon ay kita niya na ang harap habang pinindot ko ang button para ma-unlock ang mga pinto.

“What are you doing?!” she asked, panicking again.

“Just drive fast and never stop! When I say right, drive to the right!”

“Wait wait! Are you gonna count?! And is it after three or—”

“When I said right, ‘yun na ‘yon! Concentrate, Diana!”

She widened her eyes on the road as I looked at the side mirror again. I rested my legs on the front seat. Kinasa ko ang baril, binuksan ang pinto ng driver’s seat, at itinulak iyon pabukas.

The cold wind went inside as my hair danced when I pushed my back out of the car, peeking half of my body from the ajar door.

“Gago ka! Gago ka! Anong ginagawa mo?! Mapuputol ‘yang kalahati ng katawan mo, Ayeselle!” she screamed frantically.

Humawak ako sa loob ng nakabukas na bintana para mabalanse ang nakahigang katawan ko sa ere. I tilted my head facing the side and extended my other hand with the gun, bracing for the target that was still tailing behind our car.

“Right!” I shouted.

Diana skillfully maneuvered it to the right as it made a screeching sound until the light of the motorcycle hit my face as soon as my vision leveled with his line. I closed one of my left eyes and immediately aimed for the front wheel of the motorcycle . As soon as I pulled the trigger and shot twice, the motorcycle lost its balance and drove clumsily to the side until it was smashed against the body of the tree.

“You did it! Oh my god!” si Diana nang tingnan niya iyon sa itaas ng salamin.

I pulled myself up and pulled the door closed as I faced the steering wheel again to control it.

Hindi agad kami makakalabas lalo na’t alam kong may mga pulis pa ngayon sa dulo ng checkpoint at alam na ang nangyayari kaya kailangan muna ngayon ni Diana ng pagtataguan! And why are they after her? Because they thought she was part of them?

I just can’t turn her over so easily, knowing what Trison told me about deception! Mas mapapanatag ako kung… si Arkaine ang hahawak sa kanya ngunit hindi ko rin siya kayang pagkatiwalaan ngayon.

I know their tactics! If they didn’t catch a big fish, they would put anyone in! I know that because that’s what Trison told me, too!

“This is leading to the beach, Ayeselle!”

There’s no other route we could use. Noong malapit na kami sa dagat, ipinark ko iyon sa gilid at agad siyang niyaya palabas.

“Nandito sila Russel! Ayeselle, at least let me bid goodbye to him! Yayakapin ko siya! Hindi ko pa nasasabing buntis ako!”

“Baka tumakas na rin ‘yon kasama si Trison, Diana!” Hinihila ko na siya para makasiksik kami sa ilang banda nang biglang gumalaw ang mga damo!

Diana shouted when a lot of leaves suddenly stood alive! No! They weren’t leaves!

“Dapa.” I heard the cold voice of a man.

Hindi ko halos mabilang, ngunit alam ko marami sila. Their uniform has blended well with the forest as they camouflage in the green leaves, and even their faces have green lines on each cheek as they all aimed the gun at us.

Shit. They blended with the green plants while planking on the ground and took their chance to hide themselves! Oh my god! We are caught! Why I haven’t think of it?!

This is a raid, and for sure, each parts of the forest were full of soldiers!

There were men who went to Diana and pinned her down. Namilog ang mga mata ko nang wala silang pagdadahan dahan doon. Another woman went behind me and pushed me to the ground.

Iniharap ni Diana ang ulo niya sa akin habang kinakapkapan siya. She was panting hard while she looked so scared, but her lips stretched so that she wanted to laugh because of our situation, but she stifled it.

Nakuha sa akin ang baril. Pumikit ako nang mapagtantong patong patong ang charges sa akin. I was the one being abducted, and yet they might be pressing multiple charges against me!

They pulled us up and pushed us to walk forward. Tuluyan kaming lumabas sa kakahuyan at pinapunta sa dalampasigan.

As soon as we went there, I saw a lifeless body lying on the shore while the other men of Trison were kneeling down as the soldiers aimed their guns at them, making sure that they wouldn’t restraint.

Natigilan ako nang unti-unting mapagtanto ang walang malay sa buhangin. I froze while Diana’s eyes widened.

“Russel!” sigaw niya.

Russel, who was kneeling down together with the others, glanced at her. Namilog ang mga mata niya nang makitang nahuli kami. Nagpumiglas agad si Diana at nakawala hanggang sa tumakbo siya patungo kay Russel.

Para akong nabibingi. I couldn’t move while watching the lifeless body of someone familiar with a stain of blood on his shirt.

Parang naging slowmo ang lahat sa akin. Hindi ko halos marinig ang paligid. And even Russel’s fast movement as he stood up and ran toward Diana seemed so slow to me that when a gunshot echoed and Russel’s movement stopped, I couldn’t process it as well.

He was shot. Twice. One on the side of his stomach, and one on his chest… where his heart was located. He was shot. Ruthlessly. Treated like a criminal who was running to his loved one, who was bracing for him…

Was that… alerting? Was that an enough reason to shoot? Are they… assuming he would escape or… hurt Diana?

“R-Russel…” Ang nanginginig na tinig ni Diana nang bumulagta si Russel sa sahig.

I did… the… right thing… right? I wanted them to be captured, but… this is not how… how…

“Russel! Russel!” Halos yumuko agad si Diana at tinakpan ang dumudugo niyang dibdib, ang isa namang kamay ay tinakpan din ang sa tiyan, kung paano niya tinakpan ang nangyari sa lalake kanina.

He was shot in the most fatal part, and I know there’s a slim chance he would even survive right now.

Umiling si Diana habang umubo si Russel ng dugo at nanghihina ang titig sa kanya. She was panicking when she looked at the police.

“Hindi siya nanlaban! Hindi siya nanlaban! Bakit niyo pinaputukan?!” she shouted with a cry.

My ear seems to be blocking the noise, as all I could hear were the fading voices as I stood in shock.

Diana pushed her hand against his chest, trying to stop the bleeding as she shook her head.

“H-Hindi! Hindi! Nangako ka! Magbabago ka! P-Pagkatapos nito! Nangako ka! Russel itatama mo ito, hindi ba?! Nangako ka!”

I looked at the lifeless body again, which wasn’t moving at all. If my hunch was right, he was shot. And if I check right now, I might… breakdown like Diana.

“Russel! B-Buntis ako! May baby na tayo! M-May baby na tayo! T-This is my surprise for you! Russ… Please… We’re a parent now… do you u-understand?”

Russel’s reaction was vivid. He looked shock; his lips stretched slightly, but the pain in his eyes tripled.

Russel’s hand twitched for a moment, reaching for her cheek and smiling slightly while mouthing something I read carefully.

“I’m sorry, love…” he uttered while his hand stroked her cheek for a split second. Russel’s blood tainted her cheek till it grazed down her lips weakly, where even his blood was left as a mark of his gentle caressing of her face.

Her lips trembled so weakly. Hinawakan ni Diana ang kanyang kamay, ngunit nanghihinang dumulas ang kamay ni Russel pababa hanggang marahas iyong nahulog sa lupa. I saw how his boxed relaxed, and his gentle look in her turned emotionless…

“Rus…” Marahas ang iling ni Diana at sunod sunod ang pagbuhos ng mga luha habang niyuyugyog niya ito.

“Ayeselle! H-Hindi na siya humihinga! Patulong! He was shot in the fatal part! What should I do?!” she shouted, as if out of all the people here, I was the only one she could lean on.

Umiling siya habang nagbabagsakan lalo ang luha niya. She hugged him and buried her face against his neck. Sa sobrang pamilyar noon, sa bumabalik na mga alaala, nakita ko sa nakaraan ang nakakabinging iyak ni Trison habang inaakay ang walang malay niyang ina.

Yumuko ako at pakiramdamm ko, ngayon lang unti-unting pumasok ang lahat sa akin. Sunod sunod ang pagbagsak ng aking mga luha habang tinatakpan ko ang aking bibig ngunit nanginginig lamang ako.

“R-Russel… gising please. Hindi kita iniwan… kaya… huwag mo rin akong iwan… Nanatili ako sa tabi mo… kaya manatili ka rin sa tabi ko…” daing ni Diana sa nawawasak na tinig.

My cries mingled with the broken cry of my beloved best friend. Gusto ko siyang isalba sa oras na ‘to, ngunit sa pagkakaguho niya, para lamang siyang palasyong gawa sa buhangin na sinalo ko kahit alam kong hindi ko siya kayang panatilihing matayog ngayon.

And I… contributed. I was the wave that crashed against her. I was those harsh waves, who were the reason why the sandcastle she built was destroyed.

She lost… him. The reason she was in this hellish paradise was because of him! And yet… she lost him!

“Hindi siya nanlaban!” she shouted painfully with her defeaning cry, making my body shake with my uncontrollable sobs.

“Bakit niyo siya kailangang paputukan?! Tumayo siya! Tumakbo siya! Patungo sa’kin! Kaya… kaya hindi ko maintindihan… bakit…”

My knees fell to the ground. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko ngunit tumatakas ang daing sa akin.

The cry was so painful that I knew, right at that moment, I’d lost another loved one. They would slip into my life again.

And this time, I know that I contributed; I know it was partially my fault; I know that I am part of it.

We both lost a life. But I know I would lose both. Not just Trison but also her. I lost her on this day.

Chapter 37

Truth

Tiningnan ko ang katawan ni Trison. Nanginginig akong tumayo at lumapit doon. Hindi man lang nakalapit at kaonti nalang, napaluhod na ako sa panghihina.

There’s… there’s blood. Where was he shot? Is it fatal? But with the loss of blood, I knew what was happening. And I could feel he wasn’t breathing anymore.

“T-Trison…” I croaked with my shaking hand.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko at gusto siyang hawakan ngunit takot na takot na makumpirmang… baka nga… totoo.

“Good job, Ferrarin,” I heard from somewhere.

Nanginginig ang labi ni Diana nang lingunin ako, ang mga mata ay namimilog at galit na galit habang umiiyak nang marinig din iyon.

It was in those moments that our friendship flashed before my eyes. The past made a drastic play of the memories we had while we were laughing and having fun as the year went by, slowly fading because of what’s happening at the moment.The last thing I’ve seen in my mind was her gentle smile, which I knew she would never give to me anymore.

I… I ruined… I ruined…

Noong lumingon ako sa kung saan galing ang boses na iyon, I saw my cousin in her military uniform while her long hair played by the cold air, while behind her were her five men in their familiar military uniform as well.

My heart clutched when I saw how Arkaine looked so unbothered by the chaos in front of her, like a lioness who wasn’t unfazed by the danger because she was the weapon herself.

The coldness in her eyes and the intimidating expression have told me she successfully handled this operation, but I know… this wasn’t successful!

It was her intimidating aura that scared me. The coldness she possessed tells me she won’t feel any empathy for Diana at all.

O kahit sa sino mang kriminal na nandito.

Diana stood bravely and ran to her angrily. Siguro doon niya agad naisipan lalo na’t doon galing sa likod ang nagpaputok.

Arkaine stopped in front of her as Diana slapped her chest continuously. She was so mad that she’d gone feral as she attacked her with all the energy left in her.

Nag-ambang gumalaw ang mga lalake sa likod ngunit itinaas ni Arkaine ang kamay niya para pigilan ang mga ito kaya hindi sila kumilos.

“G-Good job?! You… you killed a life! You should have… let him hug me! He doesn’t have any weapon in him! And yet you shoot him!” Diana fired continuously.

Arkaine gave her some seconds to release her anger. Pinaghahampas siya ni Diana, ngunit nanatili siyang nakatayo roon, malamig lamang siyang tiningnan. The cold wind even blew their hair lightly, and I saw how the loss in Diana’s expression was etched while the strands of Arkaine’s hair moved, showing how she looked unfazed by Diana’s wrath.

“Kung masama sila, masama rin kayo! You killed… you… you killed him!” she cried weakly.

As soon as Arkaine raised her hand and used its side as she hit the side of her neck, I saw how Diana slowly lost her consciousness until she was now losing her balance. She made her sleep.

Nawalan agad ng malay si Diana, unti-unting natumba ngunit hinila ni Arkaine ang kanyang baywang hanggang sumandal sa kanyang balikat ang ulo ni Diana. She rested her hand against her small back and glanced at my side, as if I was her next target.

Umiling ako kay Arkaine, bigong bigo. I wanted to at least tell her that Diana is innocent, but I guess I will never snap her.

“Include her,” she ordered.

Hindi ko alam kung ano iyon but I saw a shadow behind me. Bago pa man ako makalingon, may itinurok na sa leeg ko hanggang sa nanlalabo ang mga mata ko at nanghihinang napahiga sa tabi ni Trison.

I tried to catch my breath, but it seemed like my movements were so heavy that I couldn’t barely feel myself. My vision was slowly getting blurry while I watched Trison’s lifeless body beside me.

I might live and wake up again, but I know this is the end of everything. I won’t recover. No matter how hard I try, I will never recover. We all failed to grasp the light.

We all failed…

“Ang kilalang kriminal na nagngangalang Wallace Serrano, patay sa isang raid sa Batangas at nahuli ang lahat nitong kasamahan at walo naman ang patay sa kanyang kasama dahil sa panglalaban habang nabulilyaso ng kapulisan ang hinihinalaang bilyon bilyong droga na nakumpiska sa mismong factory na nasa liblib lamang ng parteng Resort. Ayon sa nakuhang mga ebidensya ng NBI, sakop din ang sampong pulis na hinihinalaang kasabwat, limang kabilang sa gobyerno, at tatlong mayor sa iba’t ibang syudad na ngayon ay isinusumite na ang warrant of arrest para sa pagiging sangkot sa nasabing ilegal—”

The channel shifted before it even ended.

“Just in. The elusive criminal Wallace Serrano was killed during a raid in the Philippines as part of the biggest syndicate that’s been linked to five countries and was busted during the drug operation. After the shipment in the Philippines was raided, the FBI conducted a massive operation where the shipment was supposed to be delivered—”

“Wallace Serrano, the most hustler and dangerous criminal existing in history, was killed during the operation in the Philippines while the CIA—”

“Serrano were busted and killed during the raid in the Philippines as the shipment revealed all of the five countries involved and were now busted by the FBI’s—”

“Major news tonight a whistleblower talked to the Director of Counter Espionage at the CIA, and ten police officers in high ranks were brought into the federal courthouse in handcuffs including twelve civilians and three business tycoons—”

“With the evidence gathered in the Philippines and a whistleblower who just revealed those parts of the big syndicate Wallace Serrano has been part of were busted during the operation—”

The channels have been shifting, and it seems like what’s in the news made someone sigh aggressively as the television was turned off.

“Baka magising siya…” it was my mother’s voice.

“Kumusta si Diana?” tanong ng ama ko.

“Hawak ni Arkaine…”

“Sangkot siya sa malaking sindikatong ‘yon? At anong sinasabi nilang asawa niya…”

“Sabi ni Colonel Chavez, nanlaban daw kaya pinaputukan at baka gamitin si Diana para makatakas. They shoot him for that reason and because he’s a threat.”

“Is she on drugs too? Why did she marry that criminal?”

“I know Diana, Harold. She’s a wise girl—”

“Wise girl, but stupid in love, you say?”

“People do stupid things when they’re in love, and you’re not the one to talk.”

I couldn’t hardly hear the words, but I knew those were my parents talking.

“Pang-ilang araw na ‘to?” Ang hindi pamilyar sa akin sa sumunod na mga araw.

“This is almost a week. Tomorrow is her one week,” sabi ng doktor at nilingon ako.

“She needs moral support from a loved one, or else this would last a month… or so…” dagdag niya.

I stared blankly at the front. I could barely feel myself. My head was empty. I don’t want to move or divert my eyes. It stayed at the front.

The doctors were checking up on me from time to time when I opened my eyes. May mga labas pasok sa room ko. There were familiar faces who visited me, but there were no signs of the faces I wanted to see badly.

“Anong klaseng loved one, doc?” It was my father this time.

“Someone could release her emotion she’s been suppressing. She needs to release it. In her case right now, it’s part of the process for her mental recovery.”

Diana… I lost her.

Trison…

I lost him too.

The operation? It might be successful. My head is empty. I don’t want to think about it.

I couldn’t feel the people around me. I could only watch the doors open and close and the images of the familiar people come and go, but I never… ever saw… her.

Nor him.

Was it really true? It wasn’t a nightmare? I would accept if he were jailed for his sins, but death… I think it was too much.

It was in my letter. I included it.

Death might be the only thing you could grasp in the darkness, but that doesn’t mean you’d choose it.

That’s what I remembered telling him.

Yes. He didn’t choose it. But death… choose him.

But no. I refuse to believe any of it. No one is dead. And I would assume that Russel has survived, is now in the hospital, and would face his charges too, so Diana could freely visit him. So she could rant her days to him continuously. Or at least… showed their baby to her.

“Ayeselle…” The warmth of my mother’s hand held mine.

I stared at her blankly. It was my mom. My mom, who filed for divorce from my father years ago. My mom, who strongly lived independently, my mom I misunderstood in the past.

I stared at her face as she smiled warmly.

“You are such a strong girl, baby…”

Mom. I lost Diana. I lost her, mom.

The only friend I have. I lost her. I lost all the people I loved, mom.

I don’t understand how life works. I will never understand why I needed to lose them. If it was the process of being strong, then can I be weak forever?

My mother sighed as she trembled and wiped her tears from her cheek. That was the sixth time I’d witnessed it. But I couldn’t move my hand to at least wipe it. I have no energy.

“Can we track her down?” I heard the voice of my father.

“She ran away, Sir. We are having a hard time tracing her.”

“How about…” my mother looked at them meaningfully.

My father glanced at me with pure worry. The last time I saw it, it was when I was little and I hurt myself.

“We can’t—”

“You shouldn’t have included her in your goddamn operation!” My father snapped and slammed the man against the wall while holding the sides of his collar.

Mabilis ang pagtayo ni Mommy at hinila ang aking ama.

“She was traumatized because of it! She witnessed it!”

“We apologize for the lapses, sir. But your daughter was skilled, and most of our men couldn’t stop her from getting to the main operation; she even shot the motorcycle of one of our officers just to get away—”

“Then you shouldn’t have brought her there all for that goddamn operation! Ginawa niyong bala ang anak ko!”

“Harold, enough,” my mother hissed.

My father’s shoulder was rocking. Marahas niyang inalis ang mga kamay niya sa kwelyo ng lalake habang hinahabol niya ang marahas na paghinga dahil sa galit.

“As her psychiatrist said, she’s now stable, but she’s still in the stages of traumatic shock kaya tulala siya at hindi nagsasalita…”

Hindi pumapasok sa akin ang pinag-uusapan nila. I don’t believe any of it, nor does it sink into me. No… I am not there for that operation. I just went back to my shoot in New York, and perhaps here at the hospital bed because I was so stressed from my shoot and I needed to rest?

I know Diana is in Switzerland. And Trison… I really don’t know either. I haven’t seen him anymore since our heartwarming talk during my college days. Maybe he’s already married? And Diana… she’s probably happily married to the man who’s worthy of her. A man who would never put her in danger. A man who loves her. Perhaps… she found another version of Russel but in a nice way? With no illegal background?

Yes…

That’s right…

“Oh, Ayeselle? Nandito kana!” Trison’s mother welcomed me as soon as I popped in front of their doorstep on that day.

“Trison, ‘yung magandang girlfriend mo, nandito na!”

I smiled until Trison’s head peeked at the corner while there was a toothbrush on his mouth, disheveled hair, and a topless, wet body that he tried to cover by putting his hand on while he grazed his eyes all throughout my body.

He gestured to wait for him, so I nodded while his mother was now coaxing me to the sofa while holding my elbow gently.

“Saan daw ang date niyo?” nangingiti niyang tanong.

“Sa Hotel, ma!” ang tinig ni Trison sa banyo.

His mother’s expression soured, and she glared at where he was.

“Ang bastos mo talagang bata ka! Baka iuuwi mo itong dalawa na!”

“Sa siyam na buwan pa naman lalabas—Aray!” His laughter resonated all throughout the bathroom when his mother immediately stood and entered the bathroom to hurt him.

I laughed at the sound of the hit I heard.

“Ayeselle!” ang tinig ni Diana sa labas kaya halos napatayo ako at nagmamadaling lumabas.

In her fancy dress, she waved her hand. Naiiling na bumalik si Tita sa aking tabi ngunit nangingiti.

“‘Yung mommy mo ang ganda ‘no? Niyayaya ako laging magkape! Nakakahiya nga! Pero nakakatuwa kasi tanggap niya ang anak ko basta raw tapusin niyo ang kolehiyo…”

I smiled.

“At si Donya… naku! Nabanggit yata ng ina mo na hilig nitong anak ko ang military! ‘Yun kasi ang pangarap niya at naimpluwensyahan yata noong lagi nilang nilalaro ni Draven sa laptop. Magmimilitary rin kasi ang iba niyang kaibigan kaya sabi ni Donya, pwede niya raw ipasok! Nakakahiya, Ayeselle! Ang bait bait ng pamilya mo sa amin!”

“Pamilya din po kasi ang turing niyo sa akin Tita…”

“Ay tita… Sabi ko naman Mama nalang ‘di ba?” She caressed my lap.

Trison went out of the bathroom and folded his arms as he rested his head against the open door. His lips stretched while watched us.

“Tapos Lola kana sa susunod, ma…” nanunuyang sabi ni Trison.

“Gago ka talaga!” Her mother stood and ran to her.

Trison laughed and wink at me while pointing at his room to change since he’s still topless. Sinundan siya roon ng mama niya at mukhang mahaba habang sermon na naman.

“Ayeselle! Trison! Ang babagal ah! Bayaran niyo ang pang taxi ko!” ang tinig ni Diana ang nagpatayo sa akin.

Mabilis akong tumakbo sa labas hanggang nakita ko siyang kakarating lamang. She immediately smirked at me while flipping her hair.

“Ang ganda kong third wheel! Pero magdadala ako ng date! Akala niyo kayo lang ang maghahalikan sa harap ko, makikipaghalikan din ako ‘no! Hindi ako maiinggit!” she said while pushing the wooden gate.

I went to her for a hug. Sa higpit noon, bahagya siyang nagreklamo at tumitili.

“Oh my gosh, ang clingy?!”

I laughed while I was teary-eyed. “Hindi ko maalala na niyakap lang kita nang ganito ka higpit…”

Humiwalay siya at umismid ngunit natatawa. I laughed as well until I saw Trison on the doorstep, who was clumsily wearing his shoes while trying to run. He was now all dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans while biting a loaf of bread as the flying slippers of his mom chased after him. Suot niya na ang duffel bag niya at mukhang nagmamadali lang dahil hindi tinigilan ng kanyang ina dahil sa mga biro niya.

“Anong apo, huh?! Tigil-tigilan mo ako, Trison! Iuwi mo nang maaga si Ayeselle dito at ipagluluto ko siya!” His mother shouted.

Trison laughed and ran toward me, pulling my pulse as he smirked at me while our eyes locked, and I ran with him. Lumabas kami ng kanilang bahay habang natatawa ako at hinampas ang likod niya.

“Gagong bata ka!” His mother shouted from behind.

Trison laughed while we ran to the street. When I glanced while smiling, I saw his mother holding another pair of her slippers, her lips stretching for a stressful smile, while Diana waved back to her and ran after us. 

“Uuwi kami agad, Tita! At ako ang bahala sa anak niyo! Hindi sila makakapagkiss dahil sa gitna nila ako uupo!”

“Mabuti pa, Diana! Bantayan mo ‘yang dalawa! Lalo na ‘yang demonyong anak ko!”

I giggled while Diana ran after us with her warm smile. Trison’s mother, who shook her head, slowly laughed and waved to us.

“Umuwi agad kayo ha! Magluluto ako nang masarap!”

Uuwi kami… Kaming tatlo… Nang magkasama… Uuwi kami.

Nilingon ko si Diana na tumatakbo patungo sa akin, maabutan lamang kami ni Trison. I extended my hand to hold her. Inabot niya iyon at ngumiti sa akin. Sabay kaming bumungisngis habang si Trison ay hinihila pa rin ako, at si Diana na hinihila ko patungo sa malapit na terminal ng tricycle, parang mga batang nagtatakbuhan at walang inaalalang ibang problema dahil hindi malupit sa amin ang tadhana.

It was the friendship we built because of an unexpected attraction I had for Trison and Diana, who was teasing me about him and was our wingman until I said yes to Trison.

Lumingon si Trison sa akin, nangingiti habang ang init ng araw ay humahalik sa kanya.

This was the warmth of the sunrise in the morning hitting your face while the wind seemed so gentle. A peaceful day you could spend with the people you wanted to be with until the rest of your life.

I stared at Trison while the background, which was the light coming from the morning sunrise, made some strings until it kissed him, making him blurry a bit.

I blinked twice, blinded by the light.

“She’s mentally unconscious,” the doctor said, lowering the small flashlight he pointed at my eyes.

My mother sighed and pinched her head. My father, whose hands were at the side of his waist, bowed his head while his jaw was clenching.

“Is it really safe for her?”

“She needed to release it. So yes, it might help.”

Nailing si Dad at deri-deritso ang lakad sa pinto. I noticed that there were familiar faces inside, which I think served as my guards.

When the door opened again and my father walked in, I saw the image of the familiar police in the past… which I suspected was part of the operation.

The officers guarding me salute him. As far as I knew, he was a Leutenant Colonel, but with the badge he was wearing, I think he got promoted.

Colonel Chavez stood on the side of the door that was still open until I saw the footsteps stepping in with his black Timberland boots.

Umangat ang tingin ko. Black army pants, an army green t-shirt that hugged his massive body, a dogtag hanging loosely around his neck, some strands falling on his forehead while his hair were pushed back, and the face of someone I couldn’t forget—as soon as our eyes locked, my shoulder loosened.

It was those eyes… I familiarized while looking at the gray sky in New York, smiling a little as I remembered the man in the past. It was those gray eyes who inspired me to be the best version of myself, expecting we’d lock gazes again in the crowd.

Colonel Chavez, a high-ranking police officer, made a salute as he looked at him with pure respect, as if he was the most important person in this room…

“Dismiss,” he uttered carefully while his stare remained at me.

The salute lowered down until the guards went out, and even Colonel Chavez, who looked at my parents and gestured them outside as well.

Tumingin si Mommy sa akin, lumapit at humalik sa gilid ng aking ulo, bago naglakad palabas.

The defeaning sound was unbearable. As soon as the door closed, Trison walked carefully toward me, as if his steps were calculated, and he went to the side of the bed.

Namulsa siyang umupo habang nakaharap sa pader, ngunit ang tingin, naninimbang sa akin.

I stared at him. He… wasn’t dead? But I… saw it…

He smiled weakly and took his hand out of his pocket just to hold my hand. He put it against his cheek.

“I got promoted,” he whispered.

“But I just retired…” He chuckled hoarsely and licked his lips.

Tiningnan ko nang mabuti ang mga mata niya. When his eyes turned weary, the gray eyes that seem mysterious to me finally showed the burden he’s been carrying for so long, reflected in his eyes as he sighed heavily.

“I’m alive… And Diana… she’s now in Switzerland… I secured her. She’s under my protection… and she’s safe together with her baby. She’s two weeks pregnant…”

Nanginig ang labi ko. He smiled a little and caressed the back of my hand with his thumb.

“I’m sorry…”

Just like that, my cry escaped from my mouth. Para iyong bulkan na biglang sumabog at napuno. I bowed my head and closed my eyes as my shoulder rocked.

Ang emosyong hindi ko mahagilap sa ilang araw dahil ikinulong ko sa banga at ayaw palabasin, ay kusang kumawala nang mawasak ang pinagsidlan ko sa kanila.

“I couldn’t tell you… because it was too dangerous…” he explained more.

Sunod sunod ang hikbi ko. Tinakpan ko ang aking mukha gamit ang aking mga palad at mas lalong nanginig. The pain was like electricity traveling throughout my body as it reminded me of the pain I needed to endure just to remind me that I am still alive.

Trison pulled my head to his shoulder, his arm wrapping around my waist.

“It was part of my contract not to involve any… loved one that’s why I needed to give you up because you’re the only loved one I have,” namamaos niyang bulong.

“W-Who… Who are you?” I asked, hopeful that I wouldn’t hear the name that I did not want him to embody.

“Special Agent Trison Alcaraz, Ma’am… I’m a spy who undercover as Wallace Serrano to infiltrate the biggest syndicate that was now busted by the operation I took part in…” he whispered more.

My shoulder rocked even more. I couldn’t process it…

His lips were now pressed against the side of my head as I couldn’t stop my cry. Humawak ako sa balikat niya at halos nanghihina siyang sinuntok. Naiinis ako at nagagalit sa kanya dahil sa pinaggagawa niya.

He tilted his head while watching me cry. He chuckled a little and brushed his lips against the side of my cheek to comfort me.

“Malakas naman pala ang pasyente? Akala ko… nanghihina?” Umangat ang kilay niya.

I pulled his nape and cried against his shoulder as I hugged him tightly. He sighed aggressively and planted a kiss on the side of my neck.

“Ang hirap mo talagang kalabanin… Noon at ngayon…” nanghihina niyang bulong, tila ba napugto na ang pasensyang ilang taon niyang inalagaan.

I punched him again. He smiled a little, but his eyes looked weary. Please… This is true. And what he said was true that Diana is in… Switzerland… Please…

Trison kissed the side of my head again, his hand caressing my waist gently.

The pain was so vivid as I poured out all of my suppressed emotion, unable to release it because I did not want to believe what my eyes had seen. But this time, I wanted to grasp the truth. I wanted to believe this.

Chapter 38

Retired

All this time… he’s a spy? A special agent who was tasked with infiltrating a syndicate? All this time… he wasn’t the man he painted himself to be in the eyes of the public?

Ang katiting na pag-asang hinawakan ko ay parang liwanag na sumisilip sa madilim na liblib na lugar. Those hopes I wished Trison would have, because I am fine without them, had really guided him.

I have a lot of questions, but they were stopped when the psychiatrist checked up on me again. I couldn’t follow the procedure, but with the smile on my mother’s lips as she looked so relieved, including my father, who even hugged my mom, I knew they heard good news.

Trison didn’t show up anymore, aside from Colonel Chavez sending the flowers that I know came from Trison because of the simple Angel with a heart on the side. Iyon kasi ang naaalala kong madalas niyang itawag sa akin. It’s like his own… nickname for me.

I know I saw him. I talked to him. And… it was confirmed by my parents. He’s alive.

“He’s alive, right, mom?” I asked again while she was slicing the apple for me.

Tumingin ang mga bantay sa akin. They would always look at me with those critical judgments, those heavy eyes, and they did not want to take their eyes off me.

My mother nodded. “Yes, Ayeselle… He’s alive. He just said there’s something he needs to take care of. Calm down.”

“And Diana… She’s in… Switzerland?”

“Ahuh…” Nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa akin at ibinalik sa binabalatang apple.

My psychiatrist prevented me from using social media. And even watching the television because Wallace Serrano is still all over the news.

Hindi ko pa alam kung bakit pinapalabas nilang patay na si Trison or Walace Serrano, pero alam ko, nakita ko, at nakausap ko, na buhay pa siya.

My everyday session with my psychiatrist was a little bit lighter. Minsan, umiiyak ako, sinisisi ang sarili, na sana, hindi na lamang ako sumama kay Trison. Na sana, hindi nalang ako sumama sa operasyon.

But there were a lot of what-ifs. If Russel was killed during the operation, I felt like Diana would also die with him.

Lagi iyong bumabagabag sa isip ko, pero ang kaibigan kong iyon, alam ko, sasama siya. Who would even dare to separate her from him?

I wanted to ask Trison about all of it. But he wasn’t visiting me again. Like he said, he retired. But why… it’s taking him so long to visit me?

Noong bumukas ang pinto at may mga pumasok na gwardya hanggang sa nakita ko ang pagpasok ni Sullivan kasama ang kanyang mommy, medyo nagulat ako.

Their guards made sure that the room had no threat at all. My mother stood and went to greet Sullivan’s mother while Sullivan walked toward me with a worried expression.

“Sullivan,” namamaos kong banggit at napangiti.

He crouched and gave me a hug. Yumakap ako pabalik habang hinaplos niya ang likod ko at hinalikan ang gilid ng aking ulo.

“You made me worried…”

I chuckled. “I’m sorry…”

Humiwalay si Sullivan sa akin. The President, whom I called Tita Chestin, like how she wanted to be addressed by me, gave me a hug too.

They provided some seats for Tita Chestin. Nakaupo siya sa gilid at hawak ang kamay ko habang si Sullivan ay nakaupo sa gilid ng aking kama at tumabi sa akin, nakaakbay.

“Nagpanic ako. Medyo kinabahan ako sa mga dumukot sa’yo kasi hindi naman nila alam na magaling kang umasinta.”

His mother slapped his leg a bit which made me laugh a little. Tumawa rin si Sullivan at pinisil ang pisngi ko.

“You did a great job, you know. I even told mom if you make it alive, I mean, I didn’t want you to get killed there, I promise I’ll get you a decent boyfriend. Kaso hindi mo ako tipo?”

His mother rolled her eyes while smiling. “Ilang beses na ba ‘yan, Sullivan. Hanggang ngayon magkaibigan pa rin kayo.”

My mother smiled while listening. Ngumuso ako at nilingon si Sullivan na ngiting ngiti sa akin.

“May the one that got away kasi si Ayeselle, mom… May hinihintay ‘to.”

Out of the boys I am close with, Sullivan is one of my closest because I tell him about personal things. Hindi ko naman sinabi na si Trison ‘yon, pero alam niya, may gusto ako na sinabi kong ayaw sa akin.

After the giddy conversation, Tita Chestin dismissed everyone to talk to me for a while. Ramdam kong seryoso ang pag-uusap dahil kahit si Sullivan ay pinalabas niya. Nanatili si Mommy na nagpasya ring tahimik na ipagpatuloy ang pagbabalat ng apple sa akin.

“He’s one of our assets,” makahulugan niyang sabi at hinawakan ang kamay ko. “We cannot give him up so easily because we needed people like him in our securities to continue these kinds of operations. He’s one of the most skilled and expert agents this country has, Estiece…”

Kumalabog ang dibdib ko. Hearing praise from the president about how she acknowledged Trison made me proud. Ngunit hindi ko alam kung bakit sa kabila noon, parang pinupunit ang puso ko.

“I like you for my son. But at the same time, I care for you like a mother. It might be best if… you are away from the danger…” she said while caressing my hand using her thumb.

Tumango ako kahit may humahalong sakit roon. Is this why he wasn’t visiting me anymore?

“He wants to retire, but I don’t want to waste his potential. He was recruited by the other countries to continue working with them. The FBI trusts him, wants him in, and even the CIA, because he became one of the outstanding intelligence agents that gathered a lot of evidence on his own research and also passed as the smartest agent that made the FBI work with him.”

My lips stretched. God. He’s at the top of the world. A lot of security agencies want to let him in. Ayaw nilang pakawalan si Trison…

“We got a connection from foreign countries for this operation because of him. It’s big, Estiece… I might fly back to America to talk about it with their President too about this matter because they wanted to recruit him as part of them officially. And it’s up to Trison if he will take this opportunity…”

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Naglalaro sa likod ng mga salitang iyon ang nahihimigan kong gusto niyang sabihin sa akin ngunit hindi lamang maidirekta.

“And I want him to continue serving this country.”

My eyes watered. I knew this was where it was leading. I cannot have him the way I want him. He cannot stay beside me the way I want.

“Hindi ko alam kung anong relasyon niyong dalawa, pero alam kong mahalaga ka sa kanya.”

I bowed my head a bit. The man I loved was so big that I couldn’t even hold him. He reached this far… but so far that I couldn’t… grasp him.

“Ano pong… pwede kong maitulong?” tanong ko.

Tumingin si Tita kay Mommy. My mother looked at me worriedly.

I remember what Trison said. In his work, they want him not to involve any loved ones. Now that even foreign countries want to work with him, I can’t imagine the danger he’s putting himself in by being isolated. That there must be no emotion distracting him from his work.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko sa pag-uusap na iyon. Sa mga sumunod na araw na si Sullivan nalang ang bumibisita, okyupado pa rin iyon ng isip ko.

“I am still mad at that fucker who abducted you. Mabuti at successful ang operasyon,” aniya.

Tita Chestin told me that even Sullivan doesn’t know about Trison’s work or that he was an undercover agent. Pili lamang ang may alam. Ganoon kahigpit na gusto nilang manatili sa publiko na patay na siya. Na si Wallace ay ang matinik ka kriminal na nabisto sa Batangas at napatay sa raid.

I cannot imagine the new world he has built for himself. You cannot easily come near him. You cannot easily see him unless his work permits it.

When he visited me, I found out that he wasn’t seen much in public either. They were careful not to expose him because he was part of the military.

At nalaman kong napagbigyan lang ang hiling ng parents ko para lamang mailabas ko ang emosyon ko.

Hindi ko na ba siya… makikita? Huli na ba ‘yon? Hindi ko man lang siya nakausap nang matagal. O kahit kalahating oras man lang.

It felt heavy, but at the same time, I’m proud of him. Now that he’s on the right side, I’m hopeful our world might collide because I am on the side he’s on. But I’m wrong…

Sapat nang impormasyon iyon na suntok sa buwan na lamang na makikita ko pa siya.

I decided to go back to Caraga. I suddenly missed the air there. Namimiss ko rin ang katahimikan doon. And I want to visit Trison’s mother’s tombstone too. Gusto kong makipagkuwentuhan sa kanya nang matagal.

He didn’t visit me at the hospital anymore. It would bug my mind, but a part of me wanted to be content with the small interaction we had rather than having nothing at all.

Mas kaya ko iyon kaysa iyong nakita ko. At si Diana… mas matitiis kong malayo siya sa akin, basta nakakasigurado akong wala siya sa panganib at nagpatuloy siya sa kanyang buhay.

Moving forward was always the hardest part, but I would always grasp it. I do not want to stay where I am and expect the people around me to stop their lives and join me in being miserable.

They could move forward too. I’ve always told Diana to let go of the people who don’t want to stay in our lives instead of begging for them.

And maybe this time, it was me whom she chose to let go. It was me whom she needed to turn her back on because I would make her remember the painful past.

Matatanggap ko, Diana… I am owning that mistake. And this is the consequence. I lost you. But if you were in danger, always remember that I am willing to knock some sense into you without hesitating to jump just to save you.

Pinanood kong ipasok ng mga katulong ang aking bagahe sa kotse. I’m having a small vacation in Caraga, specifically in Siargao, but maybe I’d fly back to Paris for another contract signing so I could join another runway.

My mom caressed my arm. I glanced at her and smiled. Lumapit ako para yumakap.

“Call me…”

I nodded and smiled. Tumingin ako kay Dad na may kausap pa sa phone. Tumingin siya sa akin at ibinaba iyon. I walked to him and hugged him. He sighed and kissed the side of my head.

“You always worry me…” he whispered.

Umiling ako at bahagyang ngumiti. “Don’t. I used the skills Lola has taught me…”

“Which I remember you shooting a vehicle of a police officer. You’ve given them a headache…”

Ngumuso ako. I wonder why they didn’t press charges against me? Did Arkaine pull a string or…

Hinaplos ni Dad ang braso ko. “Take care, hmm?”

Tumango ako at ngumiti. I kissed his cheek before walking back to my mom, and I kissed her on the cheek too.

I looked at my parents for a while while I opened the front seat and slipped myself in, waving my hand for them.

Isinara ko ang pinto, tumingin kay Mommy na seryosong nakatayo roon at nilapitan ni Dad. I smiled at them as I slowly closed the window of the car, hoping that things would be lighter this time.

The travel didn’t bore me. I just watched the clouds in the sky while sitting on the airplane, thinking what’s Trison’s next move?

“Lola…” tawag ko nang ang unang sumalubong sa akin pagkapasok sa mansyon ay siya.

My grandma walked toward me. With her meaningful look, I knew that she wanted to talk about it. Ngunit ang pananahimik niya, alam ko, ramdam niyang ayaw kong pag-usapan.

“I’m actually not gonna stay here for so long. Baka pumunta agad ako ngayong araw patungong Siargao. I wanted to have my little vacation there before flying back to Paris…”

My grandma nodded. Looking at her, I’m shocked that she really looked old. But with her movements, I could guarantee that if I attacked her right now, she could still pin me down.

I smiled at her and kissed her cheek. “I missed you…”

“I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore?” she arched her brow.

“A lot of people were talking about you, so I kind of think of you…” I chuckled, remembering how those men kept on mentioning her.

“Let’s have a tea in the garden,” she invited.

Tumango ako at ngumiti.

That operation taught me some things. I haven’t forgiven my father yet, and I’ve drawn a boundary with him for so long. But maybe there are mistakes that would be forgiven because they earned them with their efforts. And I am now acknowledging it.

I wanted to rebel against them and cut ties with them. But life seems so short that I do not want to die with a stone heart.

I may not forget the mistakes they made, but the way they begged for them to be forgiven, I wanted to acknowledge them at least for their peace of mind.

It is what Diana has taught me. She risked spending her days with him. She let herself live the life she wanted for herself, and I know she wasn’t forced to be with him because Russel didn’t include him in his evilness. She… was only his good side.

And I wanted to be like her. I wanted the people to remember me as their own good side. Or their hope. If I died right then, I know they would remember me for the good memories instead of the bad. And that’s what matters most.

“Gusto ko lang sanang… itanong kung ano ang napag-usapan niyo ng mama ni Trison noon, lola.”

“It’s about her husband,” Lola said as soon as we sat down while she was pouring me tea.

Namilog ang mga mata ko. “W-What about him?”

“Nagtanong lang ako kung may kontak ba siya.”

Kumalabog ang dibdib ko.

“You see, Ayeselle. I am not against you and that boy from the past. Why would I interfere? Unless you’re doing drugs with him.” Umangat ang kilay niya at sumimsim sa kanyang tsaa.

“Other than that, the things we talked about were more about her husband. They’re in danger. But I didn’t expect it to be too soon…” Nailing siya at tila ba dismayado.

Naalala ko ang mga sabi sabi sa mga kaibigan niya noong araw na iyon na balisa raw siya at namumutla pagkatapos makipag-usap kay Lola. They were jumping to conclusions that… lola threatened her because there’s something about me and Trison at those times.

“Which means…”

“I just warned her to be careful. You know my connection in the military. If I won’t tell her about it, who will? Mga tsismosang kapitbahay niyang mali mali ang pinapakalat na balita?”

Bumaba ang balikat ko. Naalala ko kung gaano ako ka galit kay lola. I accused her, and I even caused the fire in the forest… And I was one of those who pointed fingers at her too. I side with those who easily judged, and jumped to conclusions just because of hearsay.

“Lola… I’m… sorry… about the fire…”

Sumimsim siya sa kanyang tsaa. “I understand you. You’re grieving for a lost mother. I know your relationship with your mom at that time. I heard it all. She can’t blame you for finding comfort in another home because your parents failed to give you one.”

Mabigat ang loob ko. Para kong nasilip ang nangyari sa nakaraan. Ganoon pala ka bigat na… hindi ko inakalang nakaya kong dalhin ang lahat ng iyon.

“Sinong… tumulong kay Trison na makapunta sa Maynila?”

“Colonel Chavez recruited him personally. He trained him. Pinapasok niya sa military because he believes in that kid.”

Kahit papaano ay napangiti ako. And look at Trison now…

“Colonel Chavez told me you gave them a headache during the operation,” nanunuya ang tinig niya sa akin.

“I needed to… save a friend…”

“Another friend,” tila ba nagdududa siya roon.

“I mean Diana…”

She nodded and sipped her own tea.

“Have you talked to your father?” she asked casually, shifting the topic.

“Yup.” I sipped on my own tea as well. “Just some casual talks, lola… I’m content with it.” I smiled.

Tumango siya.

“Lola… I wanted to thank you for teaching me how to shoot and how to fight. It really helped a lot…” Ngiti ko.

“That you became a headache?” she continued.

I laughed. “Well… they didn’t charge me.”

“Because someone is favoring you.” Iling niya.

Tumikhim ako. I don’t know if she’s talking about Arkaine or…

“You knew?”

Umangat ang kilay niya. “Arkaine just told me some things about how she cornered him.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. “She cornered Trison?! Pero hindi niya nahuli ah?”

“They bargained with each other. You know Arkaine. Nagalit ‘yon dahil na-involved ang hotel. She tracked him down until she cornered him. Doon nalaman ni Arkaine ang lahat.”

“Wow…”

I mean, I’ve seen Trison’s skills. His reflexes were smooth and weren’t easily traced by your naked eyes. Ganoon siya ka liksi. Pero naalala ko, parang hangin kumilos si Arkaine. I’ve seen her train in the past with her knives while mixing it with martial arts.

“Eh bakit hindi niyo rin sinabi sa akin?!”

“You are not part of the operation.”

“I am not when… I got abducted?!”

“You went with him, silly woman.” Nanliit ang mga mata ni Lola sa akin.

Tumikhim ako. Well… oo nga… sumama ako kasi gusto kong tumulong na madakip si Trison! Because I was eager to pull him from the right side! To knock some sense into him at least!

“They wanted to pull you out because you are distracting that agent to the core, but it seems like they wanted to push through.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko nang maalala kong gusto akong itapon ni Trison sa highway. And, oh my god, the earrings!

“B-Bakit? May… narinig ba kayo?” tanong ko, medyo kabado.

Lola’s eyes looked at me carefully. Ilang sigundo kaming nagtitigan at halos mabasa ko sa titig niya na parang may kabastusang umiikot sa isip ko.

I cleared my throat. “I mean… that’s part of my tactic to tame him. I’m expecting he would…” I cleared my throat again.

She pointed at the tea to clear my throat. Napasimsim ako nang wala sa oras.

“Si Arkaine ang tanungin mo. I didn’t take part. I can’t hear clearly. Kahit umungol ka doon, hindi ko na ‘yon maririnig.”

I spat my tea and coughed. Halos mamula ako habang si Lola ay kinuha ang table napkin sa table at inilahad sa akin.

“Thank you, lola,” namamaos kong sabi nang tanggapin iyon.

She sipped on her tea again. Her expression looked so malicious, but she seemed less interested in it. O baka dahil nahihiya at namumula ako, ayaw niya nang tanungin kung ano talaga ang nangyari.

“Lalake mo ba ‘yon?” she asked, her eyes looking at me as if she were just trying to hear the truth from my mouth.

“Special agent. Nirerecruit ng FBI. At pinagkakatiwalaan ng CIA. Hmm… no wonder he’s linked to multiple supermodels…”

“Those supermodels don’t know he’s working under them. They fell for his bad side.”

“And you didn’t?”

“I didn’t!”

Naninimbang ang tingin ni Lola at sumimsim ulit sa kanyang tsaa.

“Even if you would, he wouldn’t still choose you. He’s dedicated to the work more than to girls… or supermodels…” may panunuya sa tinig niya.

“He could marry his work, and I won’t give a damn about it,” I said confidently as I sipped my tea.

“‘Yung huling nagsabi niyan, buntis na.”

I spat the tea as I coughed while caressing my neck.

“Who?”

“The bitch of all Ferrarins…”

“Ashtraia?” Nanliliit ang mga mata ko.

“The one and only.”

My eyes widened. She’s what… pregnant?

“Hindi ko talaga mapagkakatiwalaan ang babaeng ‘yon sa lalake. She told me she would come home here in Caraga to manage the Resort, but then she keeps on extending her vacation in America. And when she called in videocall, the first thing she did was show her baby bumps. That shameless bitch.”

“What?” Medyo natawa ako.

Nailing siya. “I really knew it. She went here just for that boy. Now that she has him, she has forgotten she’s the hotel manager. Nagpabuntis pa agad. At ang gaga, sinabihan pa akong nastress siya sa pamamahala sa hotel kaya gumawa na agad siya ng tagapagmana. Hindi pa nga ako patay, gumawa na agad ng sasalo sa mga manang ipinamana ko sa kanya pag nawala ako.”

That sounded so Ashtraia. Tumawa ako. I’m quite happy to know that there’s another Ferrarin in our bloodline.

“I bet you’re next…”

Umiling ako. “Uh no, lola. I want to enjoy my life for a while… And I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh? I thought…”

Saan niya ba kinukuha ang mga tsismis niya? Pakiramdam ko ang dami niyang nahahagip na balita na hindi naman totoo.

I spent more time with Lola talking about some teas and I cannot believe she has a lot of it! Ganoon na ba siya ka bored sa life niya? She even invited me to her little zumba, which I quite appreciated, and I joined her so I could do a little stretching.

After that, she gave me a driver as I went to the cemetery to light a candle for Trison’s mother as I prayed for a while and sat there quietly.

“I know he made you proud so much. Pinag-aagawan pa siya ng agencies…” I smiled and caressed her tombstone.

Ang dami dami kong gustong sabihin at ikuwento, ngunit siguro, alam ko rin na napanood niyang iyon lahat, kaya tahimik na lamang ako roon.

I wish in another life there were more versions of us where I spent more time with her and she got the chance to meet my mom, at least.

Those dreams I had when I was at the hospital seemed like a fairytale. I hope it exists…

“Let’s go to Siargao,” sabi ko sa driver nang abala ako sa seatbelt at hindi na ito nilingon pa.

The car moved smoothly. I opened the window and rested my hands against the open window while I silently watched the trees in the forest as the lights tried to peek through it, creating another string.

I wonder how Diana is right now? Will she ever want to see me again? Maybe… in the future?

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. The movement of the car was so smooth, and the light kissing my face as the wind played against my hair comforted me.

A call from my phone rang. Dumilat ako at sinagot iyon. It was my mother.

“Hello?”

“Oh I was just checking up on you… I thought you turned off your phone…”

“I didn’t, mom. I’m heading to Siargao.”

“Oh yes. Your grandma has mentioned it. You’re with him?”

“Him? Who’s… him?”

“Him. That spy.”

Spy? Huh? Trison?

“Trison?”

“Yes, hija. Are you still doubting that he’s dead? You aren’t with him?! Wait… I thought you were with him?!” She panicked a bit.

“I am not with him, mom! I’m alone!”

“Oh my god! Then who’s your driver?! Check it!”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Dahan dahan ang paglingon ko, kabado na baka, hindi ko iyon kilala. As soon as I looked at the driver, Trison, the fucking Alcaraz, who’s wearing some shades and a cap while driving smoothly, made my jaw drop.

Lumingon si Trison sa akin. When he bowed his head a bit to look at me with his eyes peeking against the shades, as soon as I saw his gray eyes, I confirmed it was really him.

“Who?! Ayeselle?! I would tell your grandma that you aren’t with him—”

“Uh… I uh…” Pumikit ako at halos napasandal sa upuan.

“You what?!” she panicked. “Harold! Harold!”

“Mom! Mom! Calm down… I’m with him…” I whispered a bit.

“Akala ko ba hindi?!”

“I uh… well… Lola said she would provide me a driver! I didn’t know it was him! Akala ko isa lang sa tauhan niya…”

She sighed, relieved that I wasn’t in danger. Ngumuso ako at muling lumingon kay Trison. Lumingon din siya sa akin, nakaangat ang kilay.

I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat. “Bye mom…”

“Enjoy your vacation, hija…” she said.

Tumango ako at pinatay rin ang tawag. I gritted my teeth and called Lola right away.

“Lola, you didn’t tell me…” I whispered, shutting my eyes a bit.

“You didn’t ask,” she replied in her usual nonchalant tone.

“Why would I even know that you’d provide him as my driver?”

“Why? Is there a problem? Should I provide you another one? Do you prefer some of my old men to that good-looking driver you have right now?”

Mas lalo akong pumikit.

“I’ll call him. He can drive you back here, and you can choose your own driver—”

“Huwag na,” agap ko.

“I could provide Romel…”

“Romel is too old, lola. And I said, he’s fine.”

“Ano ngayon kung matanda? Ipagmamaneho ka lang naman. Unless you have something in your mind other than that.”

“Lola, oh my god…” I gasped.

“And he’s single, by the way…”

Nang-init ang pisngi ko. “I don’t need that information…”

“I’m just assuming you might get curious. Enjoy your trip. With the driver,” she said in her serious voice when I could feel she was teasing me!

She ended the call. I put it back in the compartment and glanced at him again.

He glanced at me too. Humalukipkip ako. He didn’t show up at the hospital anymore, and now… he’s in the driver’s seat… as my driver. I didn’t even sense him! All this time, he was my driver?!

Trison took his cap out of his head and made me wear it. Hinila niya iyon pababa na tumakip pa sa mga mata ko kaya nakasimangot kong inayos.

“Do you want it fast, ma’am?” tanong niya.

Nanliit ang mga mata ko sa kanya. Trison smirked and looked at the dashboard. Tumikhim ako.

“Just… don’t rush. I want to enjoy the long ride…”

Ngumiti si Trison sa akin, naiiling na binasa ang labi at tumango.

“Alright…” he said smoothly.

Ngumuso ako. “Uh… pinayagan kang…” Hindi ko man lang maituloy ang sasabihin ko.

“I told them I have a part-time job. I needed to guard a model. Baka malunod sa Siargao…” He smirked.

What the hell? This is so Trison. Oh, what the hell.

“Then… you are coming with me to Siargao?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Because this is your new work? Tatrabahuin mo ako?”

Trison laughed. Namula ako.

“I want to spoil myself, Ferrarin. I’ve been working for how many years without a proper rest. I deserve this… vacation… at least. I dropped my work for this.”

My body relaxed. He’s having a vacation with me. He’s coming with me. He found a way to spend time with me.

“Bakit ganyan ang pinili mong trabaho kung hindi ka naman pala makakapaggirlfriend,” I murmured disappointedly and glanced at the window.

“That’s why I retired,” he said meaningfully.

Kumalabog ang dibdib ko. No wonder they wanted me to separate from him. He’s willing to choose me this time over his work. In spite of the big offers, he retired without hesitation just to have a vacation with me.

Chapter 39

Warning:
R-18

Heaven

There were a lot of things running through my mind in the middle of the trip while I watched the trees outside the window.

Ang dami dami kong mga tanong sa kanya noong wala pa siya sa tabi. Ngunit ngayong meron na, hindi ko alam kung bakit napapangunahan ako ng hiya.

I did a lot of things to pull him from the right side when, all along… he’s with me. Oh damn it. Umabot pa ako sa puntong inakit akit siya, tapos… siya pala ang kabilang sa pulis sa aming dalawa? Not just a police, huh? He’s a special agent! A hustling agent! One of the best, not just in this country but outside too!

What did I do in my past life to deserve this kind of embarrassment? Did I try to outsmart the mastermind himself? And all along, I was part of his plans? All along, it wasn’t me who was doing the movements, but him?!

Pumikit ako sa mga naiisip ko. Kung hindi ko lang natanaw ang checkpoint, hindi ako nadistract lalo na’t agad akong nagpanic.

Kumunot ang noo ni Trison sa akin lalo na’t mabilis ang lingon ko sa kanya, medyo kabado. And he noticed it.

“You’re not with a criminal,” he pointed out.

That’s when I realized I got used to his presence as… Wallace.

Kumalma ako habang umaabante na siya sa checkpoint at ibinaba lamang ang salamin. The soldiers who were bracing for our car, as soon as they saw Trison driving, immediately saluted in chorus. Bumusina si Trison at deri-deritso na ang paandar, hindi na siya hinarang pa.

Wow… He wasn’t just questioned and checked; they even saluted him. Now that I’ve seen the respect they gave him, I am more amazed that he’s really this big.

Tumingin ako saglit sa katawan niya. He’s wearing a white button-down shirt that he pulled in a manly way because of the sleeves that were rolled up to his arms, showing his veins and making him look more massive.

Unti-unti kong napagtanto na talagang kahit nakadamit siya, alam mo na hindi siya marahan sa kama. I can’t believe Diana’s words lingered in my mind about his physique.

Nahuli ni Trison ang titig ko. Binasa niya ang labi at nanunuya ang ngiti sa labi niya. I cleared my throat again and distracted myself outside the window when I could sense he’s now glancing at me from time to time. Noong ako ang lumingon at hinuli ang tingin niya, tahimik niyang ipinatili ang titig sa daan ngunit kagat na ang pang-ibabang labi.

Nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko sa kanya. Ngayong alam ko na ang totoo, parang tinubuan pa ako ng hiya. I’m not used to him looking like this. Too hot and too massive.

Nakarating din naman kami sa isang secluded island sa Siargao. I used my IDs for check-in since I had already booked one in advance. Ilang beses ko kasing nabanggit kay mommy kaya siya ang umasikaso para hindi na mahirapan.

Trison was now wearing his cap and his shades. He was pulling my things, acting like a damn bodyguard, not to be that suspicious, as he doesn’t want to attract any that might mistake him for Wallace when it was him.

Medyo gumagabi na. Gusto kong bukas na lamang maligo habang nasa dalampasigan kami kasama ang isang tent na inihanda niya sa gilid at tahimik ko siyang pinanood na nagseset-up ng bonfire.

He would sometimes glance at me. At sa tuwing magkakatinginan kami, ngingiti siya.

Niyakap ko ang mga binti ko at ipinatong ang baba ko sa magkadikit na tuhod ko. He’s really different from his old self. His physique seems too dangerous. Matangkad na nga, sa katawan niya, alam mong marahas siya. At talagang napatunayan ko iyon sa Batangas.

Naglakad siya patungo sa akin. Trison settled himself behind me. Tahimik akong isinandal ang sarili sa kanyang dibdib. Iniyapos niya ang isa niyang kamay sa aking tiyan habang ang isa naman ay hinanap ang kamay ko.

The bonfire made it warm, but being embraced by him while we were both listening to the crashing of waves and watching the twinkling stars in the dark sky, made it even warmer.

“Ganito rin kaya ‘yung dates natin kung nagdate talaga tayo noong college days?” kuryoso kong tanong.

Lagi iyong bumabagabag sa isip ko. Those were the moments I dreamed of having him as my boyfriend, because that’s what we talked about.

Trison smiled and pressed his face against the side of my head.

“Hmm… I’d take you every day to picnics…” aniya.

I laughed. “Talaga? I kind of like that.”

“Parang mahilig ka sa picnic.”

Ngumiti akong lalo. “Naisip mo ‘yon?”

Tumango siya, ang abong mga mata ay kumikislap na nakatitig sa akin.

“Forest. Picnics. Mga gano’n. Parang gusto mo ‘yung nangangabayo sa kakahuyan. O nagbabasa ng libro habang nagpipicnic.”

I nodded as soon as he mentioned it. “Oo. Gusto ko nga ang ganoong dates. Tapos ikaw ang gumawa ng mga sandwich natin. But of course I’ll bring some of my baked cookies too! Less sugar, like how you want it since you’re not into sweets. And then some brownies too…”

Trison smiled and nodded. “Parang gano’n nga.”

Bumuntonghininga ako. “Sayang ‘no…” I smiled weakly.

“We can still do it,” he said gently.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa dagat. The darkness of the sky would always remind me of his eyes, especially when it turned gray and it started raining. Ganoon ko siya madalas na naiisip kaya ang hirap niya ring kalimutan. Unless the sky disappears… but that’s impossible.

Hinawi ni Trison ang aking buhok at inilagay sa gilid ng aking balikat. His other hand slipped into my top as he slightly caressed my flat stomach.

“Parang ang dami nating sinayang na panahon.” I chuckled.

His legs squeezed me a bit as he tightened his hug.

“Don’t say that.”

Ngumiti ako at nilingon siya. “I was just seventeen when we started planning for us. Tapos ngayon, ilang taon na ba tayo? I’m already twenty-seven. Imagine it…”

“Hindi ko na ‘to naisip.”

“Ang alin?”

“Na mahahanap kita ulit.” He smiled.

I frowned at him. “You know what I hate about you? Hindi ka marupok sa akin.”

He closed his eyes and laughed. Hinagkan niya ang gilid ng aking ulo. “Hindi ka rin marupok sa akin. And I told you, you are free. Ayos lang sa akin kahit magmahal ka ng iba.”

“But you told me whatever happened, you’d marry me, and that I would still end up with you.”

He rested his head against my shoulder. Inabot ko ang kanyang kamay, ngunit hindi ko pa nahahawakan, nahuli niya na agad. It’s kind of familiar…

He gently puts it on his hair and lets me stroke it. It’s just one inch, which is the frustrating part about him when he’s eating me. I could hardly grip it.

“I want to retire…” may paninindigan sa boses niya. “But I also need more connections to protect you.”

“Tingin mo ba hindi ko kayang protektahan ang sarili ko?” I arched my brow.

“Ibang usapan na pag ikaw ang nawala. I might turn into the real villain and burn the entire world for taking you away from me.”

I laughed. “Crazy.”

He laughed and lifted his head. “Tingin mo hindi ko ‘yon kaya?” may panghahamon sa tinig niya.

I really can’t imagine him if he truly became a villain. He would be unstoppable. With his calculated movements, he can outsmart everyone. And that’s the dangerous part about him as an enemy, because you know you can’t catch him.

Maybe the military was convenient enough because they have him in their alley. But imagine it if he’s truly on the wrong side. He might be the greatest headache. He might just outsmart everyone.

Hinaplos ko ang pisngi niya. His eyes immediately softened. I smiled and planted a soft kiss on his lips. Dahan dahang bumaba ang tingin niya sa labi ko.

“Can I stay by your side now?” I asked.

The pain in his eyes twinkled. Hinaplos niya ang kamay ko.

“Can we choose each other now?” tanong kong muli.

He closed his eyes and licked his lips as he slowly nodded.

“Can I have you now?”

He nodded again while the cold wind played against our hair.

I leaned closer and gave him a soft kiss. Namumungay ang mga mata ni Trison nang dumilat siya. I brushed my lips with his. He parted his lips and brushed them with mine as well.

“It’s me against the world.”

“It’s just you, Ferrarin. I don’t care about the world.”

I laughed softly against his lips. His lips moved again as he kissed me with pure gentleness. No tongue. Just his lips moving and making me melt with each stroke he makes.

“When did you fall…in love with me?” I asked in the middle of the kiss.

“When all I could grasp to live is your light.”

My stomach churned. He tilted his head to the other side and kissed me again, slowly.

“When I realized you were the reason why I continue to live…” he whispered more.

Pumikit ako at halos damhin ang matamis na hagod ng kanyang halik at nakakatunaw niyang mga salita.

“When I realized that the purpose of life is to seek its beauty… and I found it in you.”

My stomach churned. I shifted the position until I was now facing him fully. Trison rested his other leg on the ground and let me kneel down in between him.

Itinukod niya ang isang kamay sa likuran habang hawak ko na ang magkabila niyang pisngi at sunod sunod siyang hinalikan.

My chest was pounding achingly.

“Your love is my hope, Ferrarin.”

A tear escaped from my eyes. He was never selfish. He got all his time in the past to claim me, to have me, and to be with me, and yet he chose to let go because he knew he was too broken and didn’t want me to fix him.

Because if he walked to me with his broken heart, I would try everything to fix him, even if I bled in the process of building him again.

But look at us now.

I know we both healed from the scar in the past when our love for ourselves outweighed the pain that nearly destroyed us.

That we chose to fight for what’s right instead of being blinded by the pain that might cause us more suffering.

That we were brave enough to walk away and let go of the love we couldn’t hold because we can’t fix a broken soul that only needs sacrifice to heal.

Trison didn’t let me hold him when he was broken because he was afraid I might get hurt in the process of fixing him. Instead, he fixes himself first, assuring me that I won’t bleed even if I hold him.

And I recognized this love. I know this is his warmth. This is finally him.

I manipulated the buttons of his button-down shirt. Ang halik kong nasa labi niya ay unti-unting bumaba sa kanyang leeg. Itinukod niya ang isa niya pang kamay sa likuran at tumingala habang nakapikit.

My lips trailed the length of his neck with shallow kisses until they traveled down to his chest. Pinatakan ko ng halik ang tattoo niya sa akin at tiningnan siya na bahagyang umahon ang ulo para tingnan ako.

When our eyes locked, I sucked his nipple lightly and swirled my tongue against it. He licked his lower lip as his Adam’s apple moved when he swallowed hard.

My other hand crawled to his shorts and palmed him as my lips traced his stomach with kisses.

Trison closed his eyes again, lifting his head until I pulled myself back on his neck and rained some kisses all over it as I slipped my hand into his shorts.

He grunted when I touched his shaft and pulled it out. Trison, who’s triggered by my touch, took my top out of me, tossed it somewhere, and claimed my boob with his mouth as he kissed and sucked it while his other hand fondled my right boob.

He closed his eyes as he kissed it passionately, with no trace of rushing, as he took his time and kissed it with pure, raw emotion.

Napahawak ako sa balikat niya nang hindi ko na halos mahawakan ang kanya dahil masyado na akong distracted sa ginagawa niya sa dibdib ko. His mouth was just so good at sucking and kissing that every time he did it, he would always take me to places that seemed too unreal because of the pleasure it gave.

His finger grazed against the fabric of my panty which made me shiver as it traveled all throughout my body. Dinaanan niya iyon nang paulit ulit na haplos, ang bawat hagod ay halos nagpadaing sa akin at ramdam ko ang dobleng init sa aking katawan.

His kisses went down to my stomach as his finger teasingly stroked me, while his lips were now trailing down to my navel.

Napaatras ako at napaupo sa tuwalya na inilapag namin. This time, my elbows were now resting at the back as my body reclined because he was aiming for what was in between my legs.

He pulled the sides of my panty until his arms gripped my legs. Naipatong ko sa magkabila niyang balikat ang aking mga hita habang nakatitig siya sa akin nang umabante siya. He stuck his tongue out, traced the length of my folds using the tip of his tongue as he licked it upward, made me arch my back, and gasped.

He knew how to eat correctly. He knew how to please me with his tongue and when to kiss it.

The tip of his tongue was grazing back and forth. Sa bawat hagod noon, ramdam ko kung paano nanginginig ang aking kalamnan. He was spreading heat throughout my system.

He breathed heavily and shoved his lips against my wet folds as he sucked it lightly while he thumbed my nub, which made me whimper.

The tip of his tongue was coaxing it into my entrance, pushing it in while he sucked it. My body is now like waves as I grind against his kisses.

Alam niya ang gagawin niya. Dahil noong naramdaman niyang nababaliw na ako sa hagod ng kanyang dila, sa kanyang mga halik doon, saka niya dahan dahang ipinasok ang dalawa niyang daliri na mas lalong nagpainit ng katawan ko.

I cupped my boobs and fondled it as I couldn’t handle the blinding pleasure. Trison sucked it in while his fingers moved. Gusto ko nang sumigaw sa sarap ngunit nangangatal na ako at hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin.

When my legs trembled and my world crumbled, he didn’t waste it as he sucked each juice out of me that he knew he deserved it because it was he who summoned it out.

He lifted his head and licked his lower lip as he smirked at me. Oh damn. Damn him.

Hinila niya akong muli. I knelt in between him since it was my turn now. I wrapped my hand around it and crouched down so I could at least kiss it.

When my lips reached the head, he groaned. When I stroked it and swirled my tongue on the tip, he whimpered. His moan turned me on, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but laugh that he’s this loud.

“I can’t.” Iling niya at hinila ako.

“Hey…” I laughed while he looked so frustrated.

He was twitching! If I did a few more licks, for sure he’d come straight to my face!

Humawak siyang muli sa baywang ko at iginiya sa kanya habang titig na titig siya roon, ang pagnanasa ay umukit na sa mga mata niya. I put my hand against his shoulder while I grabbed his shaft again as I positioned it at my entrance.

I lowered my body down until I winced in pain when I felt him on my entrance. It sting, but I was so wet that I pushed it more, as I didn’t mind the pain mingling with the pleasure.

“You’re big.” I groaned.

His jaw clenched as the veins on his neck protruded when he sighed. He was so pleasured that his brows furrowed while he shut his eyes.

It was his aroused expression that triggered me. I sat on it forcefully until we both groaned. And for sure, his noise was because he likes the pleasure so much, while I was a bit regretful that I was so confident that I was going to accommodate him!

His hip was a bit moving, slowly pulling it and pushing it in. I wrapped my arms around his nape and buried my face against his neck while I started grinding as well.

Trison moaned against my ear. It felt like we were doing it again for the first time. The pain was still there, but it was bearable. And the pleasure was so great that I didn’t mind the pain as our bodies moved in sync.

Kontrolado niya ang galaw ng baywang ko habang inangat baba ako. At sa bawat pag pwersa ng diin niya, napapadaing ako dahil sa sensasyong sumasabog. He’s hitting a spot that feels so good!

“There… I found it,” he whispered.

The next thing I knew, he was now hitting it continuously as he changed his pace.

Sunod sunod ang daing ko sa kanyang balikat. He glanced at me while I was moaning weakly, and we both could hear the banging of our bodies as the lewd noise made it more sensual.

Noong lumingon ako sa kanya, agaran niyang hinagod ng halik ang aking labi. He shoved his tongue in while my lips parted as he moved at speed. I moaned against his mouth. I couldn’t kiss him anymore while he was sighing heavily as well.

“Feeling good, angel?” he asked in a slurry voice.

My body shivered. He thumbed my nub and increased the speed as I could no longer grind because he was just so powerful that I couldn’t keep up.

I was dripping hard, and I could almost feel it. One more push until my body trembled hard as I buried my face against his neck.

It was the longest and most erotic sound during my climax, and I felt like I would die right then because of the pleasure that succumbed to my body. Trison slowed down, made a few thrusts, and pulled it out until it splashed on my stomach as he made a long whimper against my ear.

Parehas kaming hingal nang pinanood iyon. Noong magkatinginan kami, sabay din na natawa at muling naghalikan.

Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang beses iyon. But as soon as we were so tired, we decided to rest in the tent as we let it open so we could still watch the calm sea.

When he said that he rented the whole island for our own vacation, I could not believe that he really meant it. Sa sobrang ingay namin kanina, pakiramdam ko, kahit ang mga isda sa dagat ay nadisturbo namin!

Nagpapaligsahan ang paghinga namin. Sa sobrang hingal ko, at kapwa pa kami naliligo ng pawis, pakiramdam ko limang digmaan ang napuntahan ko dahil sa ginawa niya.

“I think I can’t walk anymore…” I whispered while panting.

Trison shut his eyes and barked a laugh. He kissed the side of my head.

“You like it rough…”

“Because you turned me on so much?”

Kapwa na kami nakahiga sa tent. Nakaunan ako sa kanyang dibdib habang hinahaplos niya ang buhok ko at pinapanood namin ang bituin sa langit. Ang marahang alon ay pumapaibabaw at hindi ko alintana ang lamig ng hangin dahil sa yakap niya ganoon na rin ang init na galing sa apoy na nasa paanan lamang.

“Why did you tattoo my eyes?”

Kinuha niya ang aking kamay at iginiya sa labi niya. Pinatakan niya iyon ng halik.

“A reminder of the beauty of life.”

I laughed a little. Trison’s lips stretched. Ngunit unti-unti iyong napawi at naging seryoso ulit.

“I cannot spend my life the way you want it. I’m still in the darkness because of the path I’ve chosen.”

I smiled and lifted my head to look at him. “I have never thought of the darkness to be this comforting, Trison. Just now…”

Kita ko ang gulat sa mukha niya.

“I’ve spent too much of my life walking away from you. I don’t need the right time anymore. I want this to be our right time.”

His eyes turned weary. The pain in his eyes sparkled.

“My mother was killed, Ayeselle. She didn’t commit suicide.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Sa sobra kong gulat, pakiramdam ko kumunoy ang hinihigaan ko at biglaan akong lumubog.

“What do you mean?”

“Her note… she gave me a hint.”

“A hint?”

Pagod siyang tumango.

“May naging usapan kami noon, na hinding hindi niya kailangan ang tulong ko. It was the reason why she always works hard for me. Lalo na’t ni minsan sa buhay niya, hindi siya nanghingi ng tulong ko.”

I remember the letter his mother wrote. It was a simple “Anak, pagod na ako.”

“She told me during our talk from the past that she would only ask for my help if she’s in the middle of death… Biro niya lang iyon, pero tumatak iyon sa isip ko. At alam niya, malalaman ko ang nangyari sa kanya dahil kailanman, hindi siya mapapagod sa akin.”

My eyes blurred, and I felt the hot liquid dripping on the side of my eyes.

“Mali nila na siya ang pinatay nila, at hindi ako. Dahil kahit sa impyerno, pupuntahan ko sila at pagbabayarin.”

“Does it… have something to do with the syndicate that your father was in?”

He nodded weakly. “She was killed because of it.”

Mariin akong pumikit at tumakas agad ang hikbi ko dahil tama si Lola. She was in danger. They were in danger.

“I joined the syndicate to trace all of them and to put them behind bars.”

He found out who killed his mother? Hindi ko kayang kumpirmahin. He suffered too much.

“Was it your…”

Umiling si Trison. “His enemy.”

“Then why… did you join your father’s syndicate if… it’s…”

“I need my criminal records to establish credibility that I am actually part of them. So I could freely move in syndicates and trace him using my father’s syndicate. So I could blend in.”

Pumikit ako. Ang bigat bigat. Noong maalala ko ang iyak niya sa parking lot, kung paano niya isinandal ang ulo niya sa balikat ko, na para bang guguho na siya ano mang oras, ngayon ko napagtanto kung gaano ka bigat ang pinagdadaanan niya sa panahong iyon.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.

“Because I knew you’d stay. I didn’t need you at that time. I needed to lose you so I could focus…”

Tahimik akong umiyak. Kumulob ako at nakapatong na ang kalahati kong katawan sa kanyang tiyan habang nasa kanyang balikat ang aking ulo. He showered the side of my head with shallow kisses while he whispered things.

“Noong sinabi kong hindi ko matutupad ang pangarap mo, totoo ‘yon. My sacrifice has nothing to do with you. You deserve to continue your life without me.”

Pumatak ang mga luha ko sa dibdib niya. Hinaplos niya ang buhok ko at sinuklay iyon gamit ang mga daliri niya.

“You didn’t cry because you thought Russel… impregnated me?” I asked weakly.

Umiling siya. “I cried because I knew those kinds of dreams weren’t for me.”

Mas lalong bumuhos ang luha ko. Ang puso kong nawawasak ay may mas ikakawasak pa pala.

“I cannot marry you. I cannot have kids with you. I cannot come home to you. And I don’t want you to wait. You deserve to be happy… Kahit hindi sa akin. Kahit kanino. Kung sino man ang pipiliin mo.”

I hugged him tightly. He kissed my head and caressed my back while scratching his nails lightly.

“You’ve read my letter. I told you I’d wait for you…” namamaos kong bulong.

“That’s why I didn’t show up in those years. I want you to find someone else.”

My lips trembled. “Bakit?”

“Malaki ang tsansa na baka wala kanang hintayin. I am willing to sacrifice my life just to put them behind bars, Ayeselle. I am willing to start a bloody war with them. I am willing to die.”

Umiling ako at hinigpitan ang yakap sa kanya.

“At tingin mo kaya ko ‘yon?”

“Kaya mo ‘yon.”

Umiling ako at humingos. He lifted my chin until he saw my wet eyes. Pinalis niya ang luha ko at pinatakan ng halik ang noo ko.

Matapang ako noon para pakawalan siya. Pero ngayong nandito siya, masyado na akong mahina para pakawalan siya ulit. Hindi ko na kaya.

Pumikit ako at nanghihinang umiyak sa kanyang dibdib. Trison hugged me back. Gumalaw siya hanggang sa inihulog niya ako sa gilid niya para lamang mas maikulong ako sa kanyang mga bisig habang hinihila ang tanging kumot na nasa gilid niya.

I cried weakly. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto kung gaano ako katapang para magpatuloy. Kung gaano ko siya kamahal para indahing mag-isa nang wala siya sa tabi ko.

And all this time, he was out there battling for justice. All this time, he was in the middle of his dangerous work that involves guns and hustling criminals.

He was battling to survive. Battling to live. And battling to grasp another hope with each night he spent fighting against evil. It was an everyday struggle that he needed to overcome on his own.

And now that he’s with me, I don’t want to let go anymore. I don’t want to let him move forward without me. I want to be with him in those battles. I want to stay beside him forever.

“How about your father? Was he…captured?”

He sighed heavily. “He wasn’t.”

Agaran akong kinabahan. Is this the reason they don’t want Trison to retire?

Habang iniisip iyon, unti-unti akong may napagtanto.

“Which means…you and Russel are…”

“He treated me like a brother,” may bahid ng lungkot sa tinig niya.

Pumikit ako nang maalala si Diana. I cannot imagine her pain once she found out that Trison was actually disguised as an agent. She would be shocked and feel betrayed.

“Hindi kasama sa trabaho ko bilang agent ang magkaroon ng simpatya sa kahit nino.”

Ngunit sa pananalita niya, ramdam ko ang sakit.

“He saved me once. But I failed to return the favor. I failed to save him…” he whispered achingly and hugged me tightly.

Umagos lalo ang luha ko. He sniffed and sighed. Kahit hindi ko man maaninag ang mukha niya, ang basa sa aking balikat ay sapat nang rason para malaman kong umiiyak siya.

Hinaplos ko ang likod niya at pinatakan ng halik ang kanyang balikat. Why is the world so fond of hurting him? He was the most genuine man I’ve ever met in the past, who never hurt anyone, who’s kind to women, and to all the people in their town, and yet he suffered the most.

Sinuklay ako ang buhok niya sa likuran. I hope heaven will let me spend more of my remaining lifetime with him so I can make him happy. I want to spend more time with him. And I hope the remaining days will be less cruel to us now.

Chapter 40

Trigger Warning:
Suicide

This is the last chapter of String of Lights! See you in the epilogue.

———

Lifetime

On the next day, tinuruan niya ako mag surf. It was kind of hard. Kakatayo ko pa lang, hahampasin na agad ako ng alon at itutulak pabalik sa dalampasigan.

Trison didn’t give up teaching me until I mastered how to stand up, at least while he’s behind me holding my waist as I try to balance myself, and we rode some of the rough waves together until we’d both drifted to the water.

It was one of the things we did in Siargao. We’d explore the sea and surf together. On the third day of surfing, I could already balance myself alone on my own surf board, as Trison would watch me on the shore while I confidently smirked at him.

Bukod sa surfing, we both spend our time snorkeling too.

I swam to the deepest part, wearing my snorkeling mask and a swim fin on my feet, as I smoothly dove where the fish were.

Trison swam over me as we both swam in sync, while I flipped my body so I could face him and swam upwards as I joined the group of fish dancing in a spiral and mingled with them.

Inabot ni Trison ang kamay ko. I pulled him toward me until he lifted my hand and made me turn, while we were now swimming back to the surface of the water.

Around five PM, while the sunset was almost peeking through the leaves of the forest as I laid against his stomach while reading a book and Trison’s hand gently caressed my long, soft hair while he was using his other arm as his pillow, it was one of our bonds to have a picnic while we would hear the crashing of the shore from somewhere, the chirping of the birds over the trees, and the light kissing us softly.

“Did you know that this book was just a gift from a fan?” sabi ko nang maalala.

“Mahal ka nila,” ani Trison.

“Yup. I have a lot of fans who are showering me with gifts. I used some of them too,” I bragged.

Tahimik lamang niyang hinaplos ang aking buhok kaya nagpatuloy ako sa pagbabasa.

“In the movie, the man died.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko at napabangon. My jaw dropped.

“Nabasa mo na ‘to? And did you just spoil the plot twist?!”

“There are a lot of plot twists in the book,” he chuckled.

Sa iritasyon ko, hinampas ko sa kanyang tiyan ang libro. Nangingiti niyang hinila akong muli pahiga sa kanya. I groaned against the pages of the book out of frustration.

“Ayokong may namamatay na bida! Those kinds of authors are heartless! How come they killed the main characters instead of the villains?!”

Tumikhim si Trison.

“I mean…” Tumikhim din ako nang unti-unti kong napagtanto ang sinabi ko.

Isinara ko ang libro at patihayang isinandal ang aking mga kamay sa kanyang dibdib habang nakapatong na ang aking baba.

“You know, out of all the people to become bad, I would understand if you turned one. But I’m happy that in spite of the cruelty of the world, you chose to remain gentle…”

He looked at me gently while caressing the side of my face and putting the other strand of my hair at the back of my ear.

“Pero kahit alam kong mabigat ang rason mo, nananalangin ako lagi na hindi iyon magiging sapat para mag-iba ka ng landas.”

Umangat ang kanyang kilay, tila ba may naalala.

“You were so cold to me when I was Wallace,” aniya. “Distant. Aggressive but less interested. But I could feel your empathy.”

“I tried my best…” I whispered weakly.

He smiled while his thumb caressed my cheek.

“You left on my bed right after doing it. You didn’t even cuddle with me.”

Pumikit ako at natawa.

“‘Yung kape ko tinanggihan mo rin. Mas mapait ka pa,” he pointed out sarcastically.

I chuckled and buried my face against his chest.

“Playgirl.”

Mabilis ang pagbangon ng ulo ko. “Excuse me? Sinong gusto akong itapon sa daan?!”

He rolled his eyes, but his lips were stretching for a smile. He was trying to stifle his laugh, but it was kissing his lips.

“I do not want you in the operation. You’re a big distraction.”

“Nadidistract ka pa sa lagay na ‘yon?” Nanliit lalo ang mga mata ko lalo na’t hindi ko naman naalalang pinakitaan niya ako ng malasakit.

“You’re always nonchalant. Cold. Distant. Sometimes I feel like you didn’t know me in the past,” sabi ko, nanliliit pa rin ang mga mata sa kanya.

He bit his lower lip and closed his eyes. Kalaunan, natawa ng bahagya.

“Kahit noong high school, ganyan kana eh. You don’t get jealous,” I hissed.

Inalis niya ang kamay sa aking pisngi at inilagay din sa likod ng kanyang ulo. His two biceps were now peeking against the sleeves of his fit t-shirt, making him look manlier with his thick brows shot up and his gray eyes playfully dancing while the sunset kissed his face.

“Most of my work in the field was successful because I imagined those boys you’ve flirted with. Hollywood models and singers, huh… The latest was Vance?”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. How did he… And oh my god? Inspirasyon niya ang mga nagiging lalake ko para magtagumpay sa trabaho niya? Naalala ko tuloy ang sinuntok niyang electric fan. Ngayon mukhang iba na ang pinagbubuntunan niya ng iritasyon pag nagseselos siya.

“They dug into your profile once. We needed some deep information about those who were the subject of our operations so we could at least find… some…” he lifted my chin and kissed me thoroughly, tila ba nabasa na ang pagiging kuryoso ko sa nakuha niyang impormasyon.

Bahagya ko siyang itinulak. “What information?”

Trison seemed too distracted by my lips while his eyes were still hooked in there. He licked his lower lip.

“The Ferrarins.”

“So we’re that famous?” I chuckled.

“Famous for being a headache? Yes.” He attacked my face with kisses again until I laughed because it tickled. Natawa siya at gumulong habang tangay ako kaya tumitili ako hanggang isang ikot niya lang, ako na ulit ang nasa ilalim niya habang tuloy tuloy ang paghalik niya sa akin.

Umungol ako sa labi niya nang maramdaman ang kanya sa gabing iyon. It is his movements that drive me insane because he knows how to hit the spot!

During the night, we would always spend it making love. It was pure gentleness this time. His burning touch marks were in each corner of my body as he kissed every part of me and buried himself with slow movements.

It was passionate sex that we showered with. Hindi ko alam kung saan ang mas gusto ko. Iyong para ba akong mawawasak sa kama, o para akong lumulubog sa kumunoy sa bawat marahang galaw niya dahil natutunaw ako sa ilalim niya.

Ngumiti ako nang ang bumungad agad sa akin sa umaga ay ang topless na si Trison. He was cooking early in the morning while he was topless.

Wearing his button-down white shirt with only my panty on that would peek out with each small movement I made, I hugged him from the back.

“Mornin’,” he greeted, and he planted a kiss on the back of my hand when he took it from his lips.

“Umupo kana. Mabilis na ‘to,” aniya, ngunit sa higpit ng hawak sa kamay ko, pakiramdam ko ayaw pa akong papuntahin sa lamesa.

I laughed and planted a kiss on his shoulder. Lumingon si Trison. His eyes vividly expressed that he likes those kinds of gestures, and it melts him just by the flicker of his eyes.

I helped him set up the table. Tahimik kaming dalawa ngunit sa tuwing susulyap siya sa akin at mapapangiti, talagang nahahawa ako at napapangiti.

“You always do that,” I pointed out.

“Do what?” He tried to act innocent; his brows shot up, but his lips were stretching.

“That!” I pointed at his face.

Binasa ni Trison ang labi at umupo. I wanted to pull myself into a chair I could occupy, but it seems like he didn’t pull a chair for me because he pulled my waist gently and coaxed me to sit on his lap.

“Here…” he murmured.

Ngumuso ako. I sat sideways while he slowly wrapped his arm around me.

“Lagi ko ‘yung nahuhuli…” pagmamayabang ko.

“Mukha bang patay na patay?” He chuckled.

“You’re not vocal, but your eyes sometimes speak volume. I could hear it.”

“During my training, I was under surveillance. Even during the operations, they’re always listening in the surveillance van to monitor my movements and to give me some hints around me.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. “The whole time?!”

“Yup. If I said anything about my work, I might blow my cover. ‘Yun ang iniingat-ingatan ng lahat, or else, the whole operation would be compromised.”

“Ang lala. Edi… wala ka talagang naging lovelife? Kasi imagine it, paano kung… uh…”

Titig na titig si Trison sa akin habang ang isa niyang kamay ay naglalagay na ng pagkain sa plato.

“May mga araw naman na hindi ako under surveillance. But I’m always at the field for twenty-four seven. Wala nang panahon para sa ganoon.”

My shoulder loosened. “Wala ka bang ibang naging buhay bukod sa trabaho?”

“Meron naman…”

Medyo lumiwanag ang ekspresyon ko.

“Your runways.” He laughed a little.

“My what?” I laughed.

“I was always there, blending in with the crowd.”

“But how on earth did you slip into my runways when the guest list was monitored?”

“The brand you are in was part of our operation. Ako ang may hawak sa kaso kaya hindi ako paghihinalaan kung nakita sa runway.”

“But you weren’t on the list!”

“We have some agents who are working in the van to hack any security system. They handle those kinds of things to help the agents on the field…”

Oh wow. I’m really amazed by his work—that he could access big runways so easily without being invited!

“But you… oh my god!” Namilog ang mga mata ko nang may maalala. “So all along, you were trying to capture my boss! The CEO of the brand! Hindi mo gustong bilhin si Macy?”

Umiling siya. “I don’t need to buy a supermodel to have one.”

Ang yabang! Umirap ako kaya humalakhak siya sa gilid ng leeg ko lalo na’t itinutulak ko siya.

“Nakakandong pa nga sa akin…” he murmured playfully, like he had his own supermodel at the moment.

“If you were Wallace, you’d never have me,” I bragged.

“Ah-huh…” he chuckled playfully.

“Oo naman! What do you think? That I’d fall for you while you’re on the run?”

“Ayaw mo niyan, badboy pa sa lahat ng badboy.”

Hinampas ko siya. Pumikit siya at nasa labi pa rin ang ngiti.

“I don’t like badboys, excuse me? Sino ako, si Abrielle at Arkaine? I am like Ashtraia! We both like soft men!”

Napawi ang kanyang ngiti nang may mapagtanto.

“Edi crush mo si Draven?”

“Huh? Is he soft?” Pilit ko pang inalala si Draven. “I don’t know him that much. Is he soft? Like…you? He seems too cold and serious.”

Umangat ang mga kilay niya. He’s now judging me.

“Dapat pala binaril ko ‘yon,” pagbibiro niya habang nagkakasalubong ang titig sa akin kaya humagalpak ako.

“He’s soft?! I mean, yes, he looked like Drystan’s soft version, but I didn’t know he’s that soft? How soft? Like…”

“Hindi ko alam. Basta marupok sa Ferrarin. Kaya wala ‘yung alam sa operasyon kasi baka hindi matiis si Ashtraia at siya mismo ang magsabi. He might blow my cover.” He rolled his eyes as if he was too done by his friend.

Bigla kong naalala ang nangyari sa hotel. Right!

“Para saan ‘yon? That girl you held hostage was…”

“My team, who also did an undercover as the daughter of Mr. Williams?” He smirked.

Oh my god? His own team? That FBI girl?!

“Team o…”

He rolled his eyes, but the smile was evident on his lips, it was playful and meaningful.

“Narinig ko ‘yon. That interview you have with her. She wanted to tease me.”

My jaw dropped. Pakiramdam ko, lahat ng nangyayari, ay planado nilang lahat! Not just the hostage crisis in the hotel, his cover-up as a criminal, the syndicate he’s in, and even the ones I thought were trying to catch him were actually his own team?! Oh my god.

“Why do I feel like there’s more to it aside from your own undercover as Wallace Serrano?”

“Too confidential, Ferrarin. Let’s not talk about those things. Baka under surveillance ako.”

I leered at him. He chuckled and took a spoonful of food as he fed me.

“Hindi lahat ng lumalabas sa media ay totoo, Ayeselle. It was exposed for a reason. Either for distraction or just a cover-up for big operations.”

“Then your death as Wallace Serrano… what’s that for?”

“Cover-up. It’s part. They’ve been planning for my fake death since we started the operation years ago. Its intention is to free myself so I could move around again as a special agent.”

I suddenly remembered what the president had told me. Tiningnan ko siya nang maigi.

“Your work… yes, it was dangerous…but you helped a lot of lives, Trison. It’s a big deal. They needed more people like you in this country.”

“Don’t bribe me with words. The President spoke with you?”

Ngumuso ako at inilagay ang kamay ko sa lamesa. Ngunit siguro dahil masyadong distract, aksidente kong nasagi ang baso ng tubig na wala pang laman.

But before it would fall, Trison effortlessly caught it in the middle of its fall without taking his eyes off me. I was so amazed by his reflexes that it perfectly showed what kind of hustling spy he is!

“Kaya naman siguro nating ipagsabay? I worry, but I think I’m proud to support you on this. You’re saving lives. You’re contributing to making this world peaceful. It’s amusing.”

“I retired so I could change my contracts…”

“What do you mean?” Kumunot ang noo ko.

“I won’t work again with them unless it’s under my terms. If they want to let me in, then they need to approve some of my… hmm… conditions.”

Nalaglag ang panga ko at humagalpak. Trison licked his lower lip while smiling.

“You smartass!” Hampas ko sa balikat niya.

“Sila ang may kailangan sa akin,” aniya.

“But the world needed you to protect them.”

“And this world of yours is my favorite…” he whispered as he planted a kiss against my cheek.

I smiled and pulled on his nape. Sinalubong niya ang labi ko at tuloy tuloy akong hinalikan. His hand was now crawling into my thigh as he grazed a soft touch against my softness, and I couldn’t help but whimper.

Sa huli, we ended up having our breakfast on the bed.

“The President wants to talk to me again.”

“You should. I mean… consider it. They wanted you.”

Naninimbang ang tingin niya sa akin. “You’re fine with my work?”

I smiled and nodded. “Oo. Besides, I’m still too young to retire from modeling. I still want to enjoy the runway since I have another new contract with IMG. I might walk this year for Burberry…”

Ngumiti si Trison. Those kinds of smiles that would make his eyes sparkle and stretch his lips genuinely. That gentle smile he always has.

“When is our vacation again?”

“Huh? Nagbabakasyon tayo ngayon tapos bakasyon agad ang nasa isip mo?” Humalakhak ako.

“This is your own vacation. I only joined. I want a real vacation with you. Perhaps somewhere in Europe.”

I smiled and nodded. “After my runway? Hmm… do you have a schedule for me? Hindi ka ba busy, Wallace?” I smirked.

He rolled his eyes, but his lips stretched more.

“Let’s leave together. I’ll come with you to Paris before I go to Amsterdam for my work. How’s that?”

“Meet up with the President. She wants to talk to you—”

“But I’ll come with you. Kukunin ko ang gamit ko sa Manila, at sasama ako sa’yo,” agap niya, na hindi ako makakaalis ng bansa nang wala siya.

Humalakhak ako at tumango. “Clingy!”

But then, he wasn’t even like this. Now that he’s free, as he could express himself and enjoy the life he had given up in the past thinking that this kind of serenity was too much, he was finally grasping it, owning it, and living with it.

And yes, Trison, you deserve every bit of this.

Sa sumunod na mga araw, naghahanda na lamang akong bumalik sa Paris at sa hotel sa Caraga siya napagpasyahang hintayin. I smiled while putting my clothes back in my luggage while he went back to Manila.

Unknown number:

See you, angel.

Ngumiti ako at nagtipa ng mensahe. I missed him. Tatlong araw lang naman sana…

Ako:

Did you just take this phone from a stranger just to text me?

Hindi ko pa naibababa, nagbeep na agad.

Unknown number:

What are you doing?

I took a photo of my luggage. I also included my face, smiled, and sent it while typing a reply.

Ako:

Packing. I’m leaving :’)

He reacted heart on the photo first until the typing flashed.

Unknown number:

The president said yes to my proposal.

Ako:

Really?!

Unknown number

Almost there. We’re flying out to France tonight.

Ngumiti ako at hinila na ang bagahe sa living room. When someone rang my doorbell, I laughed and thought it might be him.

Ako:

Wow you’re fast.

Naglakad ako sa may pinto at binuksan iyon. Colonel Chavez flashed with a paper bag in his arm.

“Colonel Chavez.” I smiled and pulled the door open.

Ngumiti siya at tumuloy. “Nabanggit ni Trison na aalis na raw kayo papuntang ibang bansa? Buti at nalaman kong nandito ka pa pala sa Siargao. Dumaan na rin ako dahil galing ako kay Donya.”

Lola and her unending tea! Ako ang nahihiya na parang bulgaran niya ngayong pinagkakalat ang sa amin ni Trison, tila ba naniniwala agad siya na kami na.

He placed the gift on the table. Nangingiti akong tumingin doon. I suddenly remembered that fan who would always shower me with gifts!

“Magreretire na si Trison,” he said meaningfully and smiled at me.

I smiled warmly. I remembered his words from the past. I heard it clearly. He did all of his best to handle his mother’s case, and now he didn’t just lend a hand; he also recruited him, took him in, and trained him.

He was the reason Trison remained on the good side. He took part in it. He pulled him during those moments when he lost his mother. Maybe Colonel Chavez has really sensed something in Trison and hasn’t given up on him.

Lalo na’t sa naalala ko, hindi niya sinukuan ang kaso ng ina ni Trison. He even begged my grandma to help Trison because he… believes in him.

He found a father figure. And I hope he won’t lose this kind of family because he deserves people like this. I hope his real father won’t put him in the gutter just because he was fighting with Trison to capture people like… his real father.

“Akala ko ba magreretire kana rin para naman hindi na nangungulila itong si Trison,” he said and laughed.

“Ah opo. Pero nag-usap naman kami ni Trison na susubukan namin. Ayaw ko rin kasing huminto siya dahil lang sa akin. Susuportahan ko po siya sa trabaho niya.” I smiled.

He nodded. “Pwede naman ‘yan. Na promote siya. Papayagan siya kung sakali man. Isa pa, ilang taon na rin kayong hindi nagkasama. Alam ko kung gaano ka niyan ka mahal.”

Ngumuso ako.

“Nanonood ‘yan ng runways mo…”

I laughed a little. “Nabanggit niya nga po…”

“Matutuwa ang ina ni Trison kung nagkabalikan kayo.”

I walked toward him and hugged him. “Thank you for giving him the father he needed…” I whispered meaningfully.

His shoulder loosened. I smiled warmly. Humiwalay ako habang nahihiya ang ngiti ni Colonel Chavez sa akin at hinaplos ang batok niya.

“Nahihiya nga ako sa batang ‘yon. Sa sobrang hardworking, pati ako, na promote!”

I laughed along with Colonel Chavez. “You’re now a General po?”

He nodded and smiled. “Oo. Pero… malapit na ring magretiro. Kaso baka kung magreretiro rin si Trison, pababalikin agad ako dahil baka isipin nilang sumusunod lang sa yapak ko ang alaga ko.”

My heart melted. I cannot imagine if he hadn’t lent a hand to Trison while he was grieving. It might be a different path for him if Colonel Chavez didn’t recruit him to be part of the military. Nakakatakot na ang daming pwedeng mangyari kung mas pinili ni Trison na sumandal sa taong… kagaya ng ama niya.

“Lola has mentioned that you recruited him. It changed his life.”

“Wasak na wasak siya noon, Ayeselle. Nakita ko ‘yon. At ayokong matulad siya sa ama niya. Kung hindi ko man mabibigyan ng hustisya ang pagkamatay ng ina niya, gusto ko, sa anak ako bumawi. Kahit ‘yun nalang.”

And he really did.

“Heto… Buksan mo. Nag-iisip ako ng maireregalo kasi sa’yo. Pero nabanggit ni Trison, mahilig ka sa kwintas. Kaya sana magustuhan mo…” He said while pushing it toward me.

I smiled and started opening the paper bag. My phone beeped again. Tiningnan ko iyon at nakita ang text ni Trison. Sa halip na asikasuhin iyon, tiningnan ko ang loob ng paper bag lalo na’t nabuksan ko rin ng tuluyan.

Kumunot ang noo ko hanggang unti-unti akong may napagtanto. My heart started banging loudly. The sweat was now trickling against my forehead. I slowly looked at Colonel Chavez and saw the smile that scared me.

“Nagustuhan mo ba? Isukat mo nga sa leeg mo?” tanong niya sa nakakakilabot na paraan.

My lips trembled when my eyes drifted back to the paper bag. He gifted me a rope! A rope!

“Colonel…” I called shakily. “What’s… what’s the m-meaning of this?”

“Hindi mo nagustuhan? Bakit? Tingin mo hindi ‘yan kaysa sa leeg mo? Ma-aadjust ‘yan, Ayeselle…” He smiled more deviously.

I froze, unable to do what was right. I looked at my phone again, but before I could take it, he took it and dropped it into the pitcher until it sank into the water.

Nanginginig ako sa takot. I tried to recall Trison’s words. His mother was killed. By who? His father’s enemy, right? Which means…

“Ikaw…” I stepped backward.

“Ganyang takot din ‘yung nakita ko sa mukha ng ina ni Trison, alam mo ba?” aniya at dinukot ang baril sa gilid ng kanyang baywang.

“Why… Colonel? Out of the people… why? You recruited him. You… became his shelter. You… you helped him!”

Agad na dumilim ang kanyang ekspresyon at ramdam ko ang sumabog na galit niya.

“Dahil putang ina ang ama niya! Naghirap ako sa transaksyon ko sa droga pero palaging sinasabotahe niya! At tingin niya hindi ako gaganti?! Tingin niya hindi ko siya tatantanan?! Siya ang rason kaya laging nabubulilyaso ang transaksyon ko! Dahil sa pakikipagkompetensya ng ama niya!”

What? He’s… He’s a what? Part of a drug syndicate? No. He’s… He’s bigger than that. I think he’s the boss handling a drug syndicate!

“Akala niya siguro maiisahan niya ako? Ngayong hawak ko ang alas? Ang asawa niya? Ang anak niya? Tingin niya hindi ako gaganti? Kung wala man siyang emosyon, pwes, sisiguraduhin kong ang anak niya mismo ang magpapabagsak sa kanya! Ang anak niya mismo ang gagamitin kong bala laban sa kanya!”

My tears pooled down my cheeks. I was so stunned that I felt betrayed. Lalo na’t naalala ko, humingi ako ng tulong sa kanya na ipaglaban ang kaso ng ina ni Trison. And all along, he was playing it safe. All along, he was the mastermind behind the death of Trison’s mother!

“Trison trusted you… He treats you like a father—”

“Putang ina siya! Manang mana siya sa ama niya! Alam mo ba ang ginawa ng hayop na ‘yan, ha?! Ang droga na itatawid dapat, ipinangalan niya sa akin! Putang ina siya! Ilang taon kong inialagaan ang pangalan ko bilang pulis para marating ang posisyong ito! Ilang taon akong nagpakahirap maglingkod sa bayan para lang dito tapos tatraydurin niya ako pagkatapos ng mga ginawa ko sa kanya?! Pagkatapos ng pagkupkop ko! Putang ina siya! Nilinlang niya ako! Pinagmukha niya akong bobo! Akala ko napapaamo ko! Pero sa huli, ako pala ang tinuklaw niya! Ang galing galing! Talagang naturuan ko nang maayos na kahit ako, naisahan ako!” Sa rahas ng tawa niya, ang galit ay rinig na rinig ko sa tinig niya.

“Pinaniwala ako ng gago na parehas kami ng hangarin, ang mahuli ang ama niya! Na parehas kami ng ipinaglalaban! Pero putang ina siyang hayop siya! Nilinlang niya ako! Ako pala ang palihim niyang pinagpaplanuhan! Ako pala ang gusto niyang itaob! At nagpulis siya para kusa akong saksakin sa likuran! Nagpulis siya dahil nalaman niyang ako ang nasa likod ng pagkamatay ng ina niya. Na ako ang dumalaw sa araw na ‘yon pagkatapos kong malaman na kinausap ng lola mo si Mrs. Alcaraz. Pinagplanuhan ko ito nang maigi, na akala ko, hawak ko sa leeg ang hayop na batang ‘yan! Pero kusa niya pala akong sinusunod! Ako pala ang pinapaikot niya sa palad niya!”

In spite of the danger and the revelation, I was proud to say that Trison successfully made it. He’s, after all, smart. When he told me he’d swim to hell just to find those who killed his mother, our mother, he did it in a heartbeat.

“Buong akala ko… talagang desidido siyang pumasok sa sindikato para sa ama niya. Pero bitag pala iyon para sa akin! At tingin niya, hindi ko malalaman? Tingin niya maiisahan niya ako ngayon? Kung alam ko kung sino ang kahinaan niya? Eh pinapatay ko nga si Russel dahil sagabal ‘yon sa trabaho niya! Dahil gusto ko, hindi siya tumigil kakatrabaho hangga’t hindi niya napapatay ang niyang ama! Kaya ngayon, ipapaalala ko sa kanya kung sino ako. Kung bakit nandito siya sa sitwasyong ito.” He lifted the gun up, aiming for me.

I realized that the moment he entered the room, his movements were calculated. There was a table between us, and he purposely made sure I wouldn’t kick the gun out of his hand. He has been Lola’s friend. Which, I believe, was part of his cover-up to spy on us.

And I’m unarmed. Why would I even carry a handgun with me?! Ngayon ko lang napagtanto kung bakit pinagpipilitan ni Arkaine na bigyan ako ng sarili kong bodyguards. I was too confident that I could defend myself against the enemies, but I realized this kind of enemy would always win against me because I wasn’t expecting them to attack me. I was off guard around them, expecting they could protect me, but I was wrong.

“Hindi ba’t kuryoso ka kung anong nangyari sa ina ni Trison? Ipapakita ko sa’yo.”

My tears fell silently while the chills traveled throughout my body. I was so curious in the past about how his mother had done it. What pushed her. When Trison mentioned that she was murdered, I had a nightmare once.

And now that nightmare was becoming reality.

“Papel at ballpen. Palabasin natin ulit na suicide ‘to para pwede kong madismiss ang kaso.” He smiled creepily while his gun was aimed at my head.

There. This is how he has done it to Trison’s mother. Noong dismayado siyang na-dismiss ang kaso, sadya pala? He was trying to help the case of Trison’s mother by showing sympathy and, what, getting Trison’s trust? Sinigurado niyang siya ang hahawak ng kaso para walang makaalam na siya rin ang may pakana!

Sa mga nalaman ko, parang mahihilo ako ano mang oras. Hindi ko na rin halos maramdaman ang sarili nang kumuha ng papel at ballpen sa isang drawer habang nakatutok pa rin sa akin ang baril nang hindi siya umaalis sa posisyon niya. Na kalkulado niya ang galaw ko at ang pinaka magandang gawin ay hindi ako lalapitan dahil sa kakayahan kong lumaban.

“Ngayon, isulat mo na magmumukhang nagpakamatay ka. Malalaman naman ng hayop na nobyo mo kung sino ang pumatay sa’yo. Pero sisiguraduhin ko, ako ang unang papatay ulit sa kanya. Dudurugin ko siya ng pinong pino na kahit buhay pa siya, mamamatay siya sa sakit.”

I glared at him. How can he make his life miserable for his selfish reasons, just for power?! He included Trison in his cunning plans because he couldn’t touch his father! He used Trison as bait! He killed his loved ones!

“Death wasn’t supposedly forced, Colonel Chavez. And yes, how ironic that you were supposed to fight with our justice to live, and yet, it was you who served our death.”

“Hindi ka naman dapat madadamay, Ayeselle. Pero hinamon ako ng nobyo mo! Kasalanan niya ‘to! At gusto kong tumatak sa isip niya na ang nadamay na inosente, kasalanan niya. Alam mo ba itong pusil na gamit ko ngayon? Kung babarilin kita at pinaimbistigahan nila ang pagkamatay mo, mat-trace ito kay Trison lalo na’t naka registered ito sa pangalan niya. Gusto kong ang kasong ito ay maididiin siya. Sisiguraduhin ko na kung ibabagsak niya ako sa kulungan, mahihila ko siya kasama ko. Magkasama pa rin kaming dalawa hanggang sa hukay.” There was a sinister in his words that made me goosebumps.

I cannot believe he’s this evil!

“Your uniform as a police officer won’t cover how dirty you are as a person. You disgust me, Colonel Chavez.” Halos galit ko siyang tingnan.

When the President begged me that he needed more men like Trison, I slowly realized it now. Because, no matter how much I want to selfishly own him, I can’t deny the fact that the world needs more people like him. Everyone deserves him.

A true soldier would devote his faithfulness to serving those who deserve justice, fighting against criminals, standing with the good, and being determined to serve the nation, as a true soldier should.

Maybe if we have more of those who were more faithful to the public instead of the power, evilness will never have its way to sit on its throne, controlling those who are in high-ranking positions to use their power against the innocents.

Nanginginig ang ballpen nang hawakan ko iyon. Wala akong ibang maisip na isulat. I was crying because the hope he had grasped might slip into his hand again.

But no. No… I told him I would always find
my way in his life. A reminder that I exist. A reminder that… I’d always serve as his hope.

I do not want to accept this death. I do not want to die like this. And maybe, during this moment, it was what his mother felt too. That she reached out to him through words. She cried for help.

Because, just like his mother, I wanted to live with him. I wanted to continue this life with him.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Trison… If I don’t make it alive, if this is the last, may these words… inspire you. May this word push you to continue to live, just like how your mother has given you more reasons to fight for the life that you thought you had lost when you lost her.

Your mother was smart enough to give you reasons to fight. And I wanted to give you more reasons to walk forward. That this death, if I don’t make it, won’t serve as your downfall. This death, as your enemy wants to pull you from your grave, would serve as your hope.

Tumulo ang luha ko sa mga papel. Nanginig ang kamay ko, at halos idasal na sana, makaabot siya. Na sana, hindi ko maulit ang nakaraan na dumurog sa kanya.

But if this were the last, I wanted my words to be his driving force to continue the path of being good. And I hope it would be enough to shape him gently, in spite of how the world handled him recklessly.

I started writing it with my tears rolling, my heart aching, and my love flowing, hoping that in spite of this death, my words would make him alive.

Kahit alam ko, dito siya maaaring gumuho at hindi na makaahon pa. Ngunit nananalangin ako, kung hindi man ako ngayon panigan sa gusto ko na makaligtas, sa ikalawang pagkakataon, magpapatuloy siya.

“Itali mo sa itaas ang tali.” He ordered again as soon as he saw that I was done typing my message for Trison.

I looked at him. “This will be your greatest mistake. Because I know he would come for you. And I will be happy to witness it, even in heaven.”

Ngumisi siya sa akin. “Maghabulan kami kahit sa impyerno.”

I smiled sarcastically. “He will create hell in your life. And no matter how you ran from him, no matter where you hide, he would always find you, ruin you, and pull you back on your grave. Because after all, he’s outsmarted you. Gano’n ka ka tanga, Colonel Chavez. At maiisahan ka niya ulit.” I smiled proudly.

“Tumahimik ka kung hindi pasasabugin ko ‘yang bungo mo! Itali mo na ang sarili mo!” He shouted aggressively.

I smiled again. I am not afraid of death! Because this isn’t mine! This isn’t how I want to die! If he remembers me in his last breath, I want him to see how I am not scared of him! Na kahit bangungutin siya, ang ngiti ko ang huli niyang maalala!

I tied the rope to the ceiling after climbing to the chair. He watched me create a circle out of it with the gun still pointing at me, his eyes critically watching me.

“Ganitong ganito ‘yon, Ayeselle. Ganito ko pinatay ang ina niya. At pag nakita ka ulit ni Trison, sisiguraduhin kong makikita niya ang sakit ng kahapon. Kahit gaano siya ka galing, patutunayan kong hindi iyon sapat para isalba ka.” He smiled confidently.

“You are creating your greatest nightmare by killing his loved ones. He will hunt you down. I assure you. Alam kong maiisahan ka niya ulit dahil bobo ka—”

“Tumahimik ka! Itali mo na ‘yan kung ayaw mong ang bala ang una kong ibaon sa ulo mo!”

I smiled and put the rope slowly against my neck. I looked at him fiercely. If he thinks that he will get away with this, I will make sure that the people who love me will always seek my justice.

“You know what, Colonel Chavez? Maybe the reason why Trison was keeping you alive was because no one would cry for you. You are alone, lonely, and evil. No one loves you.”

His jaw clenched. “Itali mo na! Ang ingay ingay mo! Manang mana ka sa matandang ‘yon!” He roared.

I jumped a bit at the aggressive tone. When he aimed the gun at my head, I slowly put the rope around my neck.

Umikot siya at sinipa bigla ang upuan. My breath felt like it was strangling my neck. It was the moment where I tried to battle between life and death—the moment where I saw Trison’s mother battling to live so badly as we were both betrayed by someone whom we trusted. By someone who made us believe that there is justice for people like us.

My breath was now drowning me. My eyes were getting blurry as I tried to stay awake, waiting for another hope, waiting for a miracle.

This isn’t how I want to end my life. This isn’t how I want to taste my death. Because if I were given a moment to decide how I wanted to die, I would want to spend it in your arms, Trison. I want my last breath after spending my lifetime with you.

Epilogue

Hello, irys! Thank you so much for reading String of Lights. This is the second book of the series, and I saw the support you’ve given to this book that was so overwhelming. May this book teach you to find your own light in every darkness you are in instead of being conquered by it. Happy reading! See you in my next Rebel Series story!

Trigger Warning:
Violence, mention of suicide, mention of drugs.

———

Garden

“Mr. Trison Alcaraz?”

Tumango ako sa babaeng nasa mid-forties na kakapasok lamang sa opisina kung saan ako naghihintay.

“I’m Grace Davids, Director of Counter Espionage at the CIA. I reach the message of the President of the Philippines that you have something for me…”

Sinundan ko ang tingin niya nang sumandal siya sa gilid ng mesa at naninimbang ang titig sa akin.

Inilapag ko ang USB sa mesa. Tumingin siya roon at umangat ang kilay.

“I have the secret files you needed. One of the lists contains the most hustling criminal that’s leading the biggest syndicate you’ve been looking for, as one of your agents has been working on over the years, whose mission got compromised for…falling in love with a woman in the Philippines in the middle of the operation.”

Unti-unting napawi ang ngiti niya. Naninimbang ang titig niya sa akin.

“What’s your name again?”

“Trison Wallace Serrano Alcaraz.” I smiled flatly.

Nakita ko ang pagkakaroon niya ng ideya kung sino ako. With her long pause and the way she pressed her lips, I knew that the name rang a bell. Obviously.

Noon pa man, ayoko na sa pangalan ko. Kinakahiya ko iyon. Lalo na’t bata pa ako, tampulan na ng tukso dahil doon.

“Trison!” tawag ng mga batang kaedaran ko.

Deri-deritso ang lakad ko habang laging naririnig kung paano nila iyon pinagtatawanan.

“Anak daw siya ng kriminal eh. Nakakulong daw ang papa niya sabi ni papa. Siguro paglaki niya, kriminal din siya!”

“Kung ano pa naman daw ang puno, ganoon ang bunga.”

They laughed mockingly, which would always turn my hands into fists. Ngunit sa tuwing naalala ang habilin ni mama na bawal akong manapak, bawal manakit, kumakalma ako at bumubuntonghininga na lamang.

“Hoy anak ng kriminal! Lumingon ka dito!”

Isang bato ang tumama sa suot kong bag. I didn’t glance at them as I continued walking. Sabi ni mama, kung sinaktan ko sila dahil lang sa pangungutya, wala akong pinagkaiba sa kanila.

The aggresive pull of someone made me stop, and my backpack was pulled out of my shoulder until it fell on the floor.

“Ano! Lalaban ka? Sige nga! Pulis ang Papa ko! Ipapadampot kita dahil katulad ka lang ng papa mo! Kriminal!”

I looked at the boy, who’s just my age. Eleven. Matangkad ng kaonti sa akin. Ang sira niyang ngipin ang nagpangiti sa akin. I find it ridiculous.

“Oh? Anong nginigiti-ngiti mo? Ilabas mo ‘yang angas mo!” Itinulak niya ang balikat ko.

Nangingiti akong napaatras at pinulot ang bag ko sabay pagpag noon.

“May panahon kang kutyain ako pero wala kang panahong magtoothbrush?” I laughed about it.

His face turned bright red, and the next thing I knew, I was already on the floor while they threw punches at me. Hindi ako nanlaban, lalo na’t talagang rinig ko ang habilin ni mama.

Mabuti nalang at may dumaang tricycle na kakilala lang namin. It was the reason why the boys ran from being caught, hurting me. Nauubo akong pinatayo ng tricycle driver na close ni Mama at pinagpagan ang uniporme ko.

“Naku! Ang mga batang ‘yon! Dayo lang naman dito at naghahanap lang yata ng gulo!”

My father is a criminal, and some people treat me like one.

I would always come home from school with those heavy feelings. I am the son of a criminal. Serrano. Iyon ang apelyido ng tatay ko. At kahit si Mama, walang alam sa kanya.

“Maganda naman ang pangalan mo, Trison. Papa mo pa naman mismo ang nagbigay niyan!” she bragged confidently on that afternoon while placing the bowl of rice in front of me.

Naghimutok ako sa lamesa. “Bakit ba siya nakulong, mama?”

“Hindi ko nga alam. Pero mukhang dahil sa droga. Gusto ko ngang bisitahin, kaso sa ibang bansa yata ‘yon nahuli!”

My mother seems worried, but at the same time, she looks like she’s used to it. Sumulyap ako sa magaspang niyang kamay habang inilalapag ang masarap na ulam, na alam kong isang araw niyang pinagtatrabahuan kakalako ng kakanin dahil ayaw niyang hindi ko natitikman ang ganitong pagkain.

“Alam mo ba ang sabi ng Papa mo sa akin? Na kung makuryoso ka sa kanya at gusto mo siyang makita sa susunod, isipin mo lang daw ang pangalan mo. Siguro doon pa lang, parang pinapahiwatig na ng papa mo sa akin na wala siyang maibibigay sa akin kundi ikaw lang. Kaya huwag kang mag-alala. Magtatrabaho nang mabuti si Mama para maitaguyod kita, ha?” Ngiti niya at hinaplos ang pisngi ko.

It was her gentle words that would calm me sometimes.

“Pag hayskul na ako, Ma, tulungan na kita sa paglalako?” ganado kong sabi habang umuupo na siya sa harap.

“Haynaku! Sabi nang kaya na ni Mama! Pag hayskul kana, diyan na papasok ‘yung mga crush crush kaya paano ka makakapag crush crush kung naglalako ka? Matuturn-off ang crush mo!”

She’s just making excuses to own the responsibility.

Umismid ako. “Bakit din naman ako magkaka-crush sa matuturn-off sa akin kung naglalako ako, ma? Hahanap naman ako ng hindi matuturn-off! ‘Yung sasamahan ako magbilad sa araw tapos magbebenta kaming dalawa!”

My mother’s eyes widened, and she laughed hysterically.

“Ay naku, Trison! Hindi dapat ganyan, anak! Hindi ganyan ang crush! At tingnan mo nga ‘yang mukha mo… ang pogi pogi mo! ‘Yung ama mo kasi, may lahi! Foreigner ‘yon! S’yempre ako bilang mahirap, jackpot na ang gano’n! Sa hirap ba naman ng buhay dito sa Pinas! Akala ko nga dadalhin ako sa sinasabi niyang may pulang dragon daw, pero habang lumalaki ka at naririnig kitang magsalita, unti-unti na yata akong nakukumbinsi na pinikot ako ng ama mo.”

Umiismid ako sa tuwing napag-uusapan si Papa. Para sa akin, wala siyang kwentang ama. Iniwan niya kay mama ang responsibilidad niya, at nagdroga pa. Hindi niya na nga napapadalhan ng pera, sinira niya pa ang imahe namin dito sa Caraga.

“At diyan na ako hihingi ng tulong sa’yo kung napagod ako, ha? Pero kailanman, hinding hindi ako mapapagod sa’yo,” ani Mama na tumatak sa isip ko.

But in spite of my father’s tainted image, people love me because my mother is nice. Kaya kahit natutukso minsan noong elementary, noong high school na, medyo humuhupa naman.

“Ma? Kilala mo ‘yung bagong salta rito na mga apo ni Donya Svetrina?” wika ko sa hapong iyon pagkauwi sa bahay.

She looked so tired as she sat on our wooden chair, but she still managed to pay attention to me. Kinuha ko ang maliit na upuan at pumwesto sa paanan niya habang maingat kong inangat ang kanyang paa at inalis ang tsinelas na suot niya.

“Naririnig ko nga kanina sa mga bahay bahay rito. Ubod daw ng ganda.”

“Oo. Kumindat pa ‘yung isa sa akin.” Ngisi ko habang sinisimulang masahiin ang paa niya.

“Hindi maganda ‘yang sinungaling, Trison! Baka napuwing lang habang nakatingin sa’yo!”

“Hindi ma! Kumindat talaga sa akin! Parang ganito!” Kumindat ako sa kanya kaya natatawa niya akong sinipa gamit ang paang hinihilot ko.

I laugh at my own joke because I know it wasn’t meant for me. Maganda naman talaga sila. Walang tapon sa apat. Lalo na ‘yung Arkaine. Talagang nakakanginig ang ganda dahil matalino rin. Kaso mas matanda sa akin ng isang taon at kaedaran pa yata ni Draven.

“Oh? May Ferrarin oh?” The other passenger of the tricycle I was in pointed out.

Kuryoso akong tumingin habang nakaupo sa likuran lalo na’t nagsisilingunan sa kakahuyan na teritorya ng mga Ferrarin ang mga pasahero, ganoon din ang driver.

Napaawang ang labi ko. I was blinded for a bit by the rays of the sun shining through the trees like strings, as an image of an angelic girl riding a white horse mingled with it while her bright golden eyes almost resembled the color of her hair, dancing along with her movements.

Nakikipaghagikhikan siya sa kasamang nangangabayo at sa kaputian niya, sa bawat paghalik ng linya ng sinag ng araw sa kanya, lumiliwanag siya.

I gasped. I have never seen such a beauty that perfectly describes heaven—not until I’ve seen her. Hindi lamang malaanghel, ngunit halos diwata na yata sa kakahuyan.

They advanced from the movement of the tricycle as they glanced at us and smiled. At lahat ng pasahero, kahit ang driver, napangiti pabalik, tila ba nahipnotismo.

Hindi nga lang naging maganda ang epekto sa akin, dahil lumagpas pa ako sa amin dahil ngumingiti pa rin ako! Parang naiwan ko yata ang sarili ko kanina kaya noong napansing nasa kabilang baryo na, halos natataranta akong pumara.

But then, as I walked home for almost a minute, I realized I couldn’t take my smile off my lips. Nasipa ko na yata lahat ng bato sa daan kakangiti dahil naiwan sa isip ko ang pagngiti niya.

Kaso badtrip. Maldita.

Nilapitan ko dahil napansin ko siyang humihiga sa damuhan at saktong natamaan siya noong bola ng mga nagpapractice. I purposely ran to get the ball because I was expecting a conversation with her, but I didn’t know she’s opposite from what I expected.

Malaanghel ang mukha pero maldita! At tinawag pa akong bobo! Ako bobo?! Ang katiting na nagustuhan ko sa kanya ay naglaho agad. Wala ‘to. Hindi sumabit sa standard ko sa babae. Bumagsak sa ugali. Hindi ko na crush. Abort mission agad at maghahanap nalang ako ng bago.

I am used to having crushes quietly. Pampagana lang naman sa pag-aaral para hindi nalulunod sa subjects. Para naman inspired din at ngumingiti paminsan minsan.

But in the long run, I’ve known that Ferrarin, sa tuwing nagkikita kami, talagang umiinit ang ulo ko. Hindi ko pa napapatawad sa pagpunit sa research paper ko, dinagdagan agad at kulang nalang sasagasaan ako sa daan!

Tang ina! May pangiti ngiti pa ako noong nakita ko siya sa kakahuyan, at naglakad pa ako ng ilang milya dahil lumagpas ang sinasakyan ko dahil sa kanya, tapos ganito pala ang ugali! Nakakapanghinayang! Sayang ‘yung singko na idinagdag ko sa pamasahe ko noong araw na ‘yon ah? Naging crush ko pa talaga ng ilang araw?

She was just like Ashtraia. A headache. A pain in the ass. Basta Ferrarin, maarte, maldita, magaspang ang ugali! Lahat na!

“Oh.” Inabot ni Drystan ang sweldo ko buong araw.

Gumabi na lalo na’t talagang desidido akong magkapera para bumili noong bulaklak na ang mahal mahal pala. Isang daan at limang libo?! Sinong lalake ang bibili ng ganoon para lang ibigay sa babae?

But when I realized that it was my plan as soon as I took the money, I calmed down a bit. Ginagawa ko ‘to para lang hindi niya palampasin iyong mga nambastos sa kanya. Kahit man irita ako sa kanya minsan, ibang usapan pa rin ang pambabastos.

“May nililigawan ka?” The smug on Drystan’s face was just too obvious that he’s quite mocking me.

“May bibilhin lang,” sabi ko at isinilid iyon sa bulsa.

“Bulaklak ba? Nakakalbo mo na ang hardin namin kakapitas,” sita niya sa maangas na paraan at binuksan ang harap ng kotseng kukumpunuhin.

Hilaw ang ngisi ko. Paano ba naman, hindi ko magalaw galaw ang hardin ni mama. Pag nalaman no’n na pinitas ko, baka ako na ang itanim no’n sa lupa.

“That Ferrarin? Ashtraia?” His eyes were judging when he looked at me while arching his brow.

“Tipo ka ba no’n? Mukhang ako ang tipo no’n,” aniya sabay patuloy sa ginagawa niyang kumpuni.

Ngumiwi ako at tiningnan ang katawan ni Drystan. I would look like an ordinary high school boy compared to him. Pangarap ng mga babae ‘to rito.

Tiningnan ko ang sugat sugat kong mga kamay ko dahil hindi ako sanay. Pero ayoko ring ihingi ‘to kay mama.

I bought the flower she wanted, and at the same time, I bought some seed so I could plant it too. Para sa susunod, doon ko na kukunin ang mga ibibigay kong bulaklak sa kanya.

Not that I am expecting we’d still have this kind of interaction since I just wanted to push her to tell her grandma about what happened to her, pero baka sakaling…magustuhan niya pag binibigyan ko siya ng bulaklak na itinanim ko mismo?

Though I didn’t expect that she would have an interest in me…

Noong naiinis siya sa akin, medyo naiintindihan ko dahil naiirita rin ako sa kaartehan niya. Oo maganda naman, maamo ang mukha kahit mapaglaro lagi ang ganda niya, pero hindi ko inaasahan… na kahit ako, mahuhulog din ulit sa kanya.

Sa sobrang irita sa iniisip, sinuntok ko ang electric fan na nasa gilid ko. I groaned when I realized what I just did—even the fan got broken.

Mariin akong pumikit habang hawak ang aking kamao. Pabalik balik sa classroom at laging may sinisilip! Nahuhuli ko ‘yon! Kaya pinagkakaguluhan itong mga Ferrarin kasi halatang playgirl din. Kung sino man ‘yang crush niya, lumipat sana ng classroom nang hindi nakakadisturbo sa katulad kong tutok sa pag-aaral at nadidistract kakadaan niya.

Kaso kung sino man ‘yon, imposible ring maging sila. Sus ang sungay pa lang ni Donya. Baka hindi ka pa lang nakakapasok sa gate para manligaw mapauwi kana agad dahil sasalubungin ka ng shot gun niya!

They’re off-limits. Every man in the region knows that, especially those like me. Donya wants someone who comes from a wealthy family, which is why she set them up in a fixed marriage.

“Kahit si Arkaine, Sanders?” kuryoso kong tanong noong nasa Siargao kami at nagcecelebrate ng birthday niya.

Binigyan kasi siya ni Donya ng pera. Kaya heto, nakikinabang kami habang napag-usapan na rin ang mga apo nito.

“Oo. May fiance na ‘yon. Taga Cebu. Pumunta noong nakaraan at naka chopper pa. Naglanding doon sa rancho nila,” si Sanders na nagkukwento habang may hawak na surf board.

Nalaglag ang panga ko. “Chopper? Gago. Anong panama ng tricycle dito?”

“Bakit, Trison? Liligawan mo?” si Drystan na nakaangat ang kilay.

“Bakit ko liligawan? Dude, kulang ang isang taong allowance ko diyan sa isang araw na luho nila!”

I meant it. I didn’t want a high-maintenance girlfriend while I was still a student. Magmove-on na agad siya, at magmomove-on nalang din ako. Anong ipaglalaban? Sa una lang naman ‘yan nakakatuwa. Pero pag wala kanang maipanglilibre sa kanya, at makita niyang hindi mo maibibigay ang luho niya, maghahanap ‘yan ng iba.

At ang dami pa diyang babae oh? Bahala siya. Akala niya naman patay na patay ako sa kanya para ipagpalit ang pag-aaral ko?! Pangarap pa naman ni mama na maglakad sa stage kaya hindi ko pwedeng ipagpalit iyon dahil lang nagugustuhan ako ng ganyan ka gandang babae!

At tingin naman nitong Ferrarin na ‘to magpapakahirap ako dahil lang gusto ko siya?

“Totoo ‘yon. Crush kita,” pag-amin niya nang nasa likod kami ng bahay sa araw ng birthday ko.

Well…if she was willing to wait for me… Nangingiti akong napayuko sa upuan at gustong humagalpak. My stomach was churning. This is more than those simple feelings I have for pretty girls around me. This one is too much.

Pwede namang ipagsabay ito sa pag-aaral. Kaya ko naman. Ano lang ba ‘yung hirap kung inspired ka sa maganda mong girlfriend? Mapapawi niya rin ang pagod ko.

Ma… paano ba ‘yan? Mukhang may girlfriend na ako sa college? I could make her my girlfriend right then. Kaso hindi eh. Baka isipin nito patay na patay ako sa kanya. Maghintay siya! Mag-aaral ako nang mabuti at tingnan natin kung gusto pa rin ako. Matutuwa na sana ako at baka pakasalan ko agad kaso naalala kong Ferrarin pala ito. Playgirl ‘to. Pag gusto niya pa rin ako hanggang kolehiyo, saka lang ako maniniwalang hindi ako niloloko ng isang ‘to.

Paanong hindi ko pagdududahan kung ‘yung mga pinsan niya kaliwa’t kanan ang lalake. Ano nalang ‘yung Abrielle? Si Ashtraia nakita ko pa noong mga nakaraang buwan na nakikipaghalikan sa soccer player sa classroom, ganoon din sa president ng student council na nakwento ko pa kay Draven.

They’re like the region’s girlfriends. Lalake dito. Lalake doon. Ang bibigatin pa ng mga manliligaw.

“Ginayuma mo talaga siguro ang babaeng ‘yon, Trison.” At kahit si Mama, hindi kumbinsido.

“Hindi ko alam, ma. Baka nga ako ang ginayuma niya kasi gusto ko na rin siya—Aray!” Natatawa kong hinaplos ang braso ko nang hatawin niya iyon ng hanger habang tinutulungan ko siyang isampay ang mga pinaglabhan niya.

“Magsabi ka ng totoo! Huwag mong gayahin ang papa mong bolero! Tingnan mo, iniwan ako ng anak!” She pointed at me with the hanger she was holding.

Ngumuso ako. “Iniwan ka ng gwapong anak. At ma… may condom naman. Expert ako—” I groaned while squinting my eyes and laughed again as she hit me with the hanger.

“Ferrarin, Trison! Diyos ko ka! Kahit ilang santo ang tatawagin mo, hindi tayo magiging mayaman bukas na bukas!”

I smiled because it was the bitter truth. Oo gusto nga ako ni Ayeselle, pero ‘yung angkan niya, magugustuhan ba ako?

“Kaya nga mag-aaral nang mabuti, ma. May matatanggap akong scholar sa taekwondo ko. Mag-aaral ako sa maynila nang maayos,” sabi ko habang kinuha ang hanger na hawak niya at isinilid doon ang t-shirt kong amoy na amoy ang downy.

She sighed worriedly. Inakbayan ko siya at pinisil ang pisngi niya. She glared at me. Noong tumungtong ako ng high school, paliit nang paliit si mama dahil pataas nang pataas ako. Nasa five-foot-five lang siya.

“Basta ma, ikaw ang priority ko. Walang wala ‘yang si Ayeselle sa mga plano natin. Hindi niya ako maaakit.”

She laughed and elbowed me. Tumawa rin ako lalo na’t totoo din naman. I’d do everything for her because I’ve seen how she takes good care of me. Literal niya akong iginapang mapaaral lamang ako. Sa sugat sugat niyang mga kamay kakalaba, sa namamaga niya minsang mga paa na kakalako, lahat ng iyon tumatatak sa isip ko. At babawi ako.

“Kaya bakit? Bakit ma? Hindi ko maintindihan,” bulong ko habang umiiyak at mahigpit siyang niyakap.

Halos isubsob ko ang mukha ko sa leeg niya at humagulgol sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Bakit? Anong problema natin?

I will never forgive the world for taking her away from me. Lalo na’t sa sulat niya, alam kong nanghihingi siya ng tulong sa akin. Hinding hindi nila ako mapapaniwalang nagpakamatay ang aking ina!

Ma… pasensya na at napaiyak ko si Ayeselle. Hindi ko sinasadya. Mahina rin ako. Kaya kailangan ko siyang itaboy sa mismong araw ng burol mo dahil hindi ko siya mapapatahan kung pati ako, wasak din. Parehas kaming wasak ma. At alam kong ayaw mong makita kaming kapwa mahina sa harap mo.

Hindi ko matatanggap ‘to, ma. Mawala na ang lahat sa akin. Huwag ka lang. Ikaw lang ang meron ako, ma…

I kissed her tombstone and whispered all of my promises. I will seek her justice on my own. I will find those behind her death. And in order to do it, I needed to give her up. I needed to lose Ayeselle in this battle so I could move forward.

Hindi ko siya kayang isali rito. Lalo na’t alam ko, handa akong makipagpatayan sa nasa likod ng pagkamatay ni Mama. Masasayang lamang ang oras ni Ayeselle sa akin.

May kumatok sa pinto. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin, nakita ko ang pamilyar na pulis na mukhang hawak ang kaso ni Mama.

Pumasok siya at tumingin sa akin. Yumuko siya para makalebel ang aking mukha.

“Ako si Colonel Chavez. Hawak ko ang kaso ng ina mo. Pwede ka bang ma-interview?”

I gritted my teeth. “Pinatay siya.”

Nakita ko ang gulat niya.

“Paano mo nasabing…pinatay ang mama mo?”

Umagos ang luha ko. Ma…baka ito na ang senyales na mahahanap ko ang pumatay sa’yo. Baka tulungan niya ako sa kaso mo, ma…

Tumayo siya at dumeritso sa kusina. Binuksan niya ang pinto at narinig ko ang agos ng tubig doon. Kumunot ang noo ko.

Paano…paano niya nalaman na ang pintong iyon ay ang kusina mismo? Maliban nalang kung…hindi ito ang unang beses na nakapasok siya rito.

Inaalala ko agad ang huling text ni Mama. Magluluto siya ng masarap para kay Ayeselle. Ibig sabihin…nasa kusina siya noong oras na ‘yon.

“Uminom ka muna ng tubig,” the police officer said, handing me the water.

Tiningala ko siya. Sa pagkakaalala ko, hindi pa pinapasok ang bahay namin para sa imbestigasyon lalo na’t hindi pa ako pumapayag. Ito ang unang punta niya para kumbinsihin ako. Kaya bakit parang kabisado mo agad ang loob ng bahay?

Lalo na’t sa bahay namin, pare-parehas ang pinto. Ngayong nakasara ang mga ito, mahihirapan kang tukuyan kung nasaan ang kusina. Ngunit hindi siya nagtanong. Deritso siyang pumunta roon. Dahil alam niya. Nakabisado niya. Lalo na’t…doon kami hinihintay ni Mama noong huling araw na pinatay siya.

Pinagdudahan ko si Colonel Chavez. Malakas ang kutob ko na siya ang nasa likod ng pagkamatay ni Mama. Ngunit ano ang motibo niya? Iyon ang dapat kong malaman.

Pinaniwala ko siya na parehas kami ng iniisip. Na ang nasa likod nito ay walang iba kundi ang aking ama lalo na’t siya rin ang gusto niyang idiin dito.

“Ito lang ang tanging impormasyon na meron kami sa ama mo. Siya ang pinaka mailap na kriminal, Trison. Ni isa, walang nakakaalam kung sino siya. Pero siya ang may hawak na malaking factory sa US na nagsusupply ng droga dito sa Pinas. Kilalang kilala siya ng mga malalaking smuggler dito. Wallace Serrano. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung kahit ang pangalan na ‘yon, totoo bang pangalan niya. O alyas lang.”

The more I listened to him, the more I realized his main reason for wanting to put my father to blame for this. He hasn’t found him. He couldn’t trace him. And he…needed someone close to my father he could use in order to search for him.

Wallace Serrano. Ang pangalan ng papa ko. He gave his own name to me. And my mother has mentioned that… if I wanted to see him, I should just remember my name.

“Gusto kong magpalit ng apelyido Colonel,” sabi ko. “At gusto ko ring gamitin ang ikalawa kong pangalan.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Bakit?”

“Para alam niyang hinahanap ko siya.”

His expression calmed down as he looked so stunned by my plans. Tumango siya at desididong trabahuin agad ang papeles ko.

Kumuha ako ng criminology sa kolehiyo. And because of Colonel’s own connections, I was given special treatment to take the lessons alone without going to school. I also take lessons with him as my own mentor. He was teaching me all the basic things I needed to learn to enter the military. He will recruit me right away once I graduate.

I did my own deep investigation into Colonel Chavez. He has a clean record. No criminal background. Malinis pa sa malinis. Oo nga naman. It was because he could clean his own name using his identity as a police officer. Paano nga naman siya mapagdududahan. At paano mahuhuli kung mismong hindi siya nagpaka-asal kriminal. Wais.

I did my own research without his knowledge about my father, too. Ang alam niya, ginagawa ko ang mga iyon para mahanap si Papa. Ang hindi niya lang alam, pinagpaplanuhan ko siya sa kanyang likuran.

Idinikit ko ang litrato ng businessman sa pin board kasama ng iilang mga litrato ng magiging target ko na maaaring maghahatid sa akin kay Papa.

My father was an elusive criminal with no background other than his criminal records and the people who worked for him.

Umupo ako ng kalahati sa gilid ng mesa habang nilaro laro ang pentlepen na hawak ko. Patricia Miller, daughter of Mr. Alexus Miller. His daughter will be my bridge to reach his father.

“Let’s go to your place?” I whispered when I kissed her.

Halos lasing na siya sa halik ko. Isang tulak sa katawan niya, nanghihina siyang kumapit sa akin.

“My dad is quite strict,” she whispered absentmindedly while kissing me back.

“Really? How strict?” I chuckled against her mouth and caressed her thigh.

Sa halinghing niya, alam ko, papayag siya sa gusto ko. Kaya noong hinigit niya ako paalis doon, pinasakay sa kotse at handang umuwi sa kanila kasama ko, alam ko na gumagana ang plano ko.

“Aalis si Dad around five AM. Kaya pwede kang umalis mga around six! Don’t worry, buburahin ko agad ang cctv para hindi ka malagot sa kanya,” aniya habang pinupuslit ako sa loob ng kanilang mansyon.

I only chuckled and carried her. “So… we could make some mess tonight since you’re gonna erase the footage, huh?”

She smiled and pulled my nape. Second floor. Left side. The room of his father. Which is my main target as I kissed her tenderly and walked her to the room of his father.

“Wrong room!” she laughed when I tossed her on the bed.

“Bawal ba dito?” I laughed back and hovered over her.

Umiling siya at iniyapos ang mga kamay sa akin. “Ayos lang. Walang cctv dito.”

I know. I studied their house from those times during her big parties here in their house.

Alas dos na yata noong nakatulog siya. Bumangon ako at binuksan ang laptop ng ama niyang nasa bedside table pa. I hacked into the system and successfully went in. Isinaksak ko ang USB sa gilid at d-in-ownload lahat ng files na kailangan ko.

I went out around three and went to the front, where the car was parked. Iyon marahil ang gagamitin ng dad niya sa umaga para umalis. Natuto akong magbukas ng mga kotse na isa rin sa pinag-aralan ko kaya hindi naging mahirap sa akin ang gawin ang plano.

Mga bandang five, tahimik kong pinanood sa bintana ng kuwarto ni Patricia ang paglabas ni Mr. Miller at nagbilang.

“Three…Two…One…” I put my hand into a gun and directed it to the car as I acted shooting it.

He went out of the car as soon as they realized it wasn’t working. Ngumisi ako at kinuha ang t-shirt para makalabas na sa kuwarto ni Patricia. I clumsily acted while walking out of the door as I wore my t-shirt when his father, who was crouching at the open car, glanced at me.

Of course, when you are caught by the father of the woman you are with, the first thing you do is feel nervous.

Sinenyasan niya ang isang tauhan niya at ipinalapit ako. Strikto siyang tumayo sa aking harap.

“Lalake ka ni Patricia? Ikaw ‘yung nasa video na kahalikan ng anak ko sa isang party.” There was an air of hostility in the way he fired his words. “Anong pangalan mo?”

There…

“Wallace Serrano, sir…”

I saw how I caught his attention. Tumingin ako sa kotse niya.

“May sira ba, sir? Marunong akong mag-ayos. Baka pwede kong tingnan?”

He was still judging me. Noong sumenyas ang tauhan niyang bitiwan ako, lumapit agad ako sa kotse. S’yempre. Ako ang sumira eh. Kaya ilang minuto lang, noong napaandar ko ulit, kita ko ang pagkamangha ni Mr. Miller.

“Serrano. Sino ang tatay mo?” kuryoso niyang tanong.

“Wallace Serrano, sir. Kaso bata pa lang ako, hindi ko na nakikita. Pero balita ko…nakulong daw.”

He took his cigarette out and lit one while handing the pack to me. Kumuha ako ng isa at nagsindi rin.

“Layuan mo ang anak ko. Palalampasin ko ‘to total inayos mo ang kotse ko.”

“Pwede ba akong magtanong tungkol sa papa ko, sir?”

He looked hesitant. But I could feel that he was considering it just to push me away and avoid his daughter instead. Well that’s my main plan that’s why I’m here.

Patricia has found out that I was caught by her father. On the next day, she was already avoiding me, which was convenient to me.

Patricia:

I’m sorry, Wallace. We’re both game, right? We’re…having fun? It wasn’t that serious?

I only smiled. It wasn’t even a game to me. It was part of my small work. Kabado yata ang isang ‘to na baka nagkaroon ako ng feelings sa kanya. Feelings? The last time I liked a girl was in Caraga.

I paused for a while when I remembered Ayeselle. Bumuntonghininga ako.

“Wala lang ‘yon. Hindi ko naman mahal. Kailangan ko lang gawin kasi may mga importante akong kailangan sa ama niya,” I explained to myself as if I were cheating behind my girlfriend, who only exists in my mind.

Manglalake ka rin para kwits. Huwag ka lang magpabuntis. Ibang usapan na ‘yon. Who am I kidding? Imposible na ang pangarap kong pamilya kasama siya.

Marahas kong isinaksak sa gilid ng laptop ang USB para tingnan ang nakuhang mga files sa laptop ni Mr. Miller at halos nabasa ang iilang transaksyon niya sa iba’t ibang malalaking sindikato. He sent a billion in every year to the same account. Wallace Serrano.

Umangat ang kilay ko. If he was caught, then why could he still freely operate his drug syndicate? Unless…

Mr. Boston Ruiz has a son. Which was the heir of his big syndicate. In order to get his father’s trust, I needed to win the heart of the father first, which was their loved one, their kids.

Russel Emerson Ruiz. Kaedad ko. Kaya noong namataan kong tila may problema sa kotse niya sa parking lot, iyon na ang nakuha kong tyempo para lapitan siya at tulungan doon.

“How did you know about cars?” tanong niya habang kapwa na kami nakaupo sa bubong ng pwetan ng kanyang kotse nang maayos ko iyon.

“Usual things I adopted on the street.” Kibit balikat ko.

When I did a favor to him by fixing his car, it seems like he was thankful for it. Sa kagustuhan niyang ibalik ang tulong, he pulled me into his circle, and we became close.

“Sabihin mo sa akin kung may nanakit sa’yo sa kalye. Ako ang bahala.” Tango niya sa akin.

Tahimik akong tumango. Noong pumasok ako sa mundo ng ama ko, sarado ang isip ko sa kanila. A bad person needs to be condemned and jailed. They don’t deserve someone’s sympathy. Ngunit mukhang denisenyo ang tao na may emosyon at normal iyon.

I investigated more. One of those who seems to know my father as well, based on the account I’ve seen on Mr. Miller, was Mr. Gallardo. I researched him, and he has a daughter in La Salle.

I encouraged Russel to go to Martin’s party because she was there. Iyon nga lang… hindi ko aakalaing may iba pa akong makikita roon.

Marahas akong nagsindi ng sigarilyo at nagpaalam kay Risha na maninigarilyo lang. I’ve lost my mood since I’ve seen her. Sa paghalik niya kay Martin, alam kong nakikipagkompetensya siya sa akin.

I needed to turn her off. She should move on. I can’t have a relationship with her while I’m trying to pursue my mother’s case.

Naglakad ako palayo at halos pinigilan ang sariling lumingon dahil alam ko, nananalangin siya na sana, lingunin ko siya. At magiging sapat na iyon sa kanya para kalimutan ang lahat ng nakita niya.

I bowed my head when I heard her little cry. Pumikit ako nang maramdaman ang panghahapdi ng mga mata ko. I cannot give you the dream you want, Ayeselle. Nasa tabi ko lang ang pumatay sa ina ko at maaaring pati ikaw, mapahamak ka. I needed more evidence to turn him in and catch him. This isn’t how I want my world you’d embrace. You don’t deserve this.

After repeating the same cycle I did with Patricia Miller, I recovered most of the files I needed. At katulad ng account ni Mr. Miller, si Mr. Gallardo ay milyon milyong pera rin ang pinapasok kay Wallace Serrano.

I was only invested on my mother’s justice. Ngunit sa tuwing sumusulpot siya, palagi kong nakukwestyon kung alin ang mas matimbang. At kung pwede bang tumalikod na lamang ako sa lahat at siya ang piliin nang hindi siya naipapahamak.

Halos naibuga ko ang inumin nang sumulpot si Ayeselle bigla sa mesa namin at inanunsyong tatay na si Russel. I know Russel is the most womanizer in the city since he has that charm that he can easily lure the women around him. Hindi ako magtataka kung kahit Ferrarin ay makuha niya. But Ayeselle? Maniniwala ako kung si Ashtraia. But Ayeselle? Russel isn’t his type.

I knew she was lying when I asked her how many weeks. Sinikap niyang magsinungaling dahil narinig niya marahil ang mga pinaggagawa ko. She will never tolerate someone’s shit because that’s how I taught her. Ayokong palalagpasin niya ang pambabastos, o kahit anong tingin niyang mali. She will never tolerate me. I know her too well.

“Anong nangyari sa atin, Trison?”

It was like a punch. For the years that I kept my distance from her, parang ngayon lang ako napatid kakatakbo palayo sa kanya.

Gusto kong ibulong sa kanya lahat ng sakit. Na hindi nagpakamatay si mama, na pinatay siya. Gusto kong sumandal sa kanya dahil nakakapagod tumayong mag-isa. Gusto kong maging mahina kahit sa oras na ‘yon. Na kailangang kailangan ko siya kahit ako mismo ang lumalayo sa kanya.

Ngunit hindi pwede. Kung pinairal ko iyon, baka bukas, siya na ang iiyakan ko sa burol. At hindi ako handa para roon. Ako ang ginagamit nilang susi para mahanap ang ama ko. Kung lumiko ako, siya ang unang gagamitin sa akin. Dahil siya lang ang meron ako.

Sumipol si Russel. “Let’s drink? Seems like you badly need it?” Humalakhak siya.

Hindi ako sumagot habang tahimik na nakahiga sa kama, nakaunan ang mga kamay sa likod ng aking ulo at tulala sa kisame.

“That’s your chic? I’ve seen it in the parking lot.”

Hindi ko siya mapagtuunan ng pansin lalo na’t umukit sa isip ko ang mga sinabi ni Ayeselle. Magpapatuloy kami. At sa pagkakataong ito, wala nang makakapigil sa akin. I got her consent to leave her behind. She was now letting me pursue whatever I had in mind.

Umalog ang kama at tiningnan ako ni Russel.

“That’s why I don’t like love.”

Kumulog ako at niyakap ang unan. Tinapik niya ang likod ko.

“Let’s drink. I’m a father.”

When you were vulnerable and someone showed sympathy, it wasn’t easy not to get attached. Lalo na kung iba na ang daloy ng pagkakaibigan.

“Anong plano mo?” tanong ko nang umupo kami sa balkonahe.

“She wants to abort the child. I support her.”

Naninimbang ang tingin ko sa kanya. If it were Ayeselle, I’d probably punch him straight in the face. Ngunit hindi naman… kaya hindi ako dapat nakikialam.

“You think I’d fit in as a father in the chaos I’m in? At anong ipapakain ko sa mag-ina ko, galing sa droga?” He laughed and sipped on his drink.

“Bakit mo ba pinapamahalaan ang negosyo ng ama mo kung ayaw mo naman pala diyan?”

“It’s like a family business you can’t escape. Your father expects you to run the business. I’ll handle it, transact with big clients, get the money, and then that’s it.”

Gusto ko man siyang payuhang mali iyon, na may karapatan siyang kumawala, kaso naalala kong kasama pala nila ako. I am not that Trison who values morals over illegal things. I am Wallace Serrano.

“You know the funny thing about that girl? She’s different. She’s making me laugh. She’s making me forget the other girls… that she’s the only one existing I could fuck. I could laugh with. I could call my own.”

Wala ‘to. Natamaan.

“In love ka,” deritso kong sabi dahil mukhang ayaw niyang aminin na ganoon ang nararamdaman.

Napangisi siya at muling uminom. “How about you? What’s with that pretty girl?”

Binasa ko ang labi at nagkibit balikat habang napayuko. He laughed.

“What would you do if it was her whom…” he licked his lips.

“Then I’d consider you as my second body count?” I smirked.

“I’d love to, Wallace. As long as I’m the one fucking you,” biro niya.

Humalakhak ako at binato sa kanya ang pakete ng sigarilyo sa mesa.

“Gago. Hindi ‘yan na body count ang tinutukoy ko.” Iling ko kahit alam ko namang nagbibiro lang siya.

Humagalpak siya. Naiiling akong natawa at nilagok ang bacardi. Buti nalang at mapera itong si Russel. Hindi pipitchuging beer ang pinapainom sa akin hindi katulad ni Drystan. Sinakal niya nalang sana ako kung ganoon ka pait ang dadaloy sa lalamunan ko.

“Who’s the first body count then? Is he dead or?”

“Still planning to ambush him.”

Tumango siya at tila ba ayaw nang panghimasukan ang bagay na iyon. That’s what I like about him. He knows boundaries. Kaya hindi siya mahirap makasundo. At alam ko, ayaw niya ring pinapakialaman siya.

“Kung um-attend ka ng Graduation, Summa cum Laude ka,” si Colonel Chavez nang ibigay sa akin ang diploma ko.

I don’t need that kind of recognition, knowing that my own mother has passed away. Pangarap niya ‘yon. Kaya ano pang saysay ng pagpunta sa stage kung wala siya?

With my achievement, I was deployed to train right then under the Colonel’s name. At badtrip, Senior ko pa si Drystan!

“One hundred push-ups, Alcaraz!” sigaw niya nang mahuli akong ngumingiti.

Kailan pa naging mali ang ngumiti?! Hindi ba pwedeng natatawa ako sa pagmumukha niya? Kahit umuulan, pinagpush up ako sa putikan! It wasn’t the first time that I received multiple punishments from him. I’d crawl to the mud straight an hour by myself, as he would watch me alone.

Parang ibang hinanakit na yata ni Drystan itong pinapatikim sa akin? Ah… wait until I get my own name. I’d teach you a lesson too.

My military training felt like hell because of him. Pero dahil doon, ako rin ang nangunguna sa team ko. I became part of the soldiers and was given an assignment: I needed to become a spy to infiltrate a small drug syndicate.

It was through those successes that my talent was recognized because of my tactics. I needed to impress Colonel himself that he could deploy me outside the country because I can handle big operations.

“Gusto kong pumasok sa presinto, Colonel,” sabi ko sa sumunod na mga araw.

“Handa kana? Nakuha mo ang loob ng anak?” he asked.

Colonel is aware of my plans. I feed him the things he needs so he can use his connections to help me out. Kaya noong sinabi kong kailangan kong may kaso na pagdodroga, sinuportahan niya. It was a fake crime I committed on the street and surrendered so I could enter.

“May naghahanap sa’yo na girlfriend. Ferrarin. Akala ko ba wala kang babae ngayon?” Colonel asked.

Shit. Si Ayeselle? Paano nakaabot sa kanya? At bakit niya nalaman? Unless someone snitch? But this is classified. Was it her grandma?

“Trison, alam mong sagabal ngayon ang pakikipagrelasyon.”

Binasa ko ang labi. “Wala akong pakialam sa babaeng ‘yon, Colonel.”

Ayeselle needs to distance herself from me. She’s not safe. Hindi pa sapat ang koneksyon ko ngayon para maprotektahan siya. I needed to finish this operation first so I could build more security for her.

Hindi ko alam kung nakumbinsi ko si Colonel. But I showed him that I was more invested in my operation and didn’t mind the Ferrarins around me, especially Ayeselle.

“Hoy. Bagong salta. Nakaupo ka sa upuan ko,” the prisoner approached me.

Hindi ako nakinig at patuloy na kumain. The next thing I knew, my tray was roughly tossing to the ground.

“Bingi ka ba?!” hiyaw niya at hinila ang damit ko kaya bahagya akong napatayo.

“Bitiwan mo,” sita ng nasa harapan.

Lumingon doon ang lalake at marahas akong pinakawalan nang makita kung sino iyon. Mr. Ruiz. The father of Russel.

Sinenyasan niya akong lumapit sa mesa at tinapik ang gilid niya. Tahimik akong naglakad doon at umupo. Itinulak niya ang tray ng pagkain niyang wala pang bawas.

“Serrano, hindi ba?”

Tumango ako. “Yes sir.”

“Anong kaso mo? Drugs?” And it seems like he knew that it was because of drugs because it’s a nature when I mentioned my surname.

Tahimik akong tumango ulit. “Yes sir…”

“Negosyo?” he insinuated. “O ginagamit mo?”

“Negosyo, sir. Nahuli akong nagbebenta sa kalye.”

“Father’s work?”

Umiling ako. “Nakulong din daw, sir. Dahil sa droga. Bata pa lang ako, hindi na siya nagpaparamdam.”

“So you’re that boy.” Tumango-tango siya at tila ba may ideya. “You know my son?”

“Sino, sir?”

“Russel…” he mentioned.

Tahimik ko siyang tiningnan. He laughed and patted my shoulder.

Seems like…I underestimated Russel. Binalikan ko sa isip ko ang araw na tinulungan ko siya sa parking lot. Ah… what a smart move.

When his father escaped the prison, he brought me with him. He knows where my father was. When you are a true drug syndicate, tracking my father would be very easy because he would help you find him.

Dinala niya ako sa Batangas. And there was the smirking Russel waving his hand at me. Iginiya niya ako sa ibaba ng resort at nasa bay view kami.

Namulsa ako habang tanaw ang karagatan ganoon din siya.

“Sinong nagsabi?” tanong ko.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on you since day one when I heard you’re Wallace Serrano and my father told me about the name of his boss. When I’ve seen how you hijacked Mr. Miller’s car and fixed it, I know that we are in the same boat. That’s why I repeated your tactics on the parking lot so you would have that reason to approach me. Alam kong gusto mo rin akong lapitan.” Natawa siya.

Bumuga ako ng tawa at tumalikod. I pulled the gun out and aimed at him as soon as I faced him, and I saw him pointing his gun at me too.

Sumilay ang ngisi sa labi ko. He laughed and tilted his head playfully.

“You used me to take your father out, didn’t you?” I smiled.

“And you used me to take my father’s trust.” He shrugged.

Binasa ko ang labi. Hindi ko mabasa si Russel. I know he wasn’t like his father. But I could tell that between the two, Russel is more cunning compared to him.

Sa isiniwalat niya, mukhang hindi niya alam na nagtatrabaho ako para sa mga pulis. That I am an asset. Or…he knows, but he’s using me to get a benefit out of it.

Natatawa niyang ikinamot ang dulo ng baril sa gilid ng kanyang ulo. I pushed my gun back to the side of my pants and smiled as I nodded at him.

“Place your conditions,” I offered.

Nagkibit balikat siya. “Wala naman.”

“Think about it thoroughly.”

Russel didn’t mind having me in his group. Ramdam ko na may sarili siyang plano sa pamamalakad ng negosyo ng ama niya. There’s something about it that’s suspicious. He doesn’t trust me. I have no plans on getting on his way as long as he won’t get on my way as well. May sari-sarili kaming plano.

“Paano mo nakuha ang lahat ng ito?” the president asked when Colonel Chavez successfully granted his wish to talk to the president personally.

“High school pa lang ako, miss President, hinahanap ko na ang ama ko. Alam kong pag nahuli siya, malaking karangalan ‘yon sa bansa natin lalo na’t isa rin siya sa pinaghahanap ng CIA.”

The president reviewed the files again. I got evidence from five of the biggest smuggling syndicates in this country. Of course, that’s enough to be interested in my offer.

“Gusto ko sanang makausap ang CIA tungkol dito, miss President.”

She froze a bit while her critical eyes looked at me.

“Ibibigay ko lahat ng ‘yan sa kondisyong iyon, miss President… Pwede tayong humingi ng tulong sa kanila sa pamamagitan nito. Na may mga ebidensya tayong nakalap para mas mahanap ang nasa likod ni Wallace Serrano.”

The next thing I knew, I was already on the private jet of the president to meet the CIA. I was given the chance to talk to them. Oo iyon naman ang sadya ko, pero may personal din akong dahilan. I want to meet their agents. The main agent who handled the operation personally…

“You want to meet one of our agents…” the director of the CIA repeated interestingly and looked at the USB I placed on her table.

“I’ve blown his cover, ma’am. He covered as Wallace Serrano to catch that big syndicate behind the real Wallace, the reason why he was deployed in the Philippines for how many years for that operation, which was to find the boss of the biggest drug syndicate.”

Kita ko ang paninimbang ng titig niya. “What do you want?”

I chuckled. “I want to continue his mission.”

Namaywang siya sa aking harapan at sumandal sa mesa.

“I want to cover as Wallace Serrano, ma’am. I want to continue the operation…my father has failed.”

Sa reaksyon niya, alam kong totoo ang lahat ng hinala ko.

“Do you have evidence that your father is one of our agents and undercovered as Wallace Serrano?”

“He named me after his cover, ma’am. Trison. From the meaning itself, the crime of betraying country. He could give me Treason as my name, but he purposely mispelled it as a cover, just like his undercover work.”

Umangat ang kilay niya.

“My mother had told me in the past that if I wanted to find him, I would just remember my name. He gave me the Wallace, ma’am, which means Wales, and the Serrano, which means mountainside. The country with a mountainside located in Wales. The country that has the red dragon symbol, which he told my mom about. The country where…his hometown is. Anglesey LL61 6SG.”

Naalis niya sa pagkakakrus ang mga kamay habang titig na titig sa akin.

“Find him. This task will determine if you are qualified. He will tell you how this operation would work.”

There.

So in order to find my father so I can get the CIA’s trust to continue this operation, they want me to go to my father on my own. To find him on my own.

“He’s in Europe. I don’t have the details, but…” ang ama ni Russel na agaran akong nabigyan ng ideya kung nasaan ngayon ang ama ko.

Wala akong sinayang na oras. I booked a ticket to Europe so I could go to the UK. Pumunta ako sa tore ng isla sa Anglesey na makikita sa region ng Wales. I know he was waiting for me there. In order to handle the operation, I needed to…face my father.

A six foot two man in his dress shirt standing while his hands on his pocket, I could already tell who it was because of the familiarity of his stance, which reminds me of myself.

Dahan dahan akong lumapit. Nakaharap siya sa bintana ng tore habang tinatanaw ang hampas ng alon ng dagat. I know that he could feel my presence.

Gumalaw ang ulo niya, sapat lamang para makita ang kalahati ng kanyang mukha. My eyes widened as I inherited most of the features that I’ve seen in him, just the darker and more intense version.

“I heard about what happened to your mother,” he uttered quietly.

He was expecting I’d find him and show up in front of him anytime, huh?

Ngunit sa sinabi niya, gumalaw ang panga ko.Hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng relasyon ang namagitan sa kanila ni Mama. Ngunit dahil sa kanya, nahanap kami ng sangkot sa operasyon niya.

“You put her in danger. She was killed because of you,” I fired in a rage tone.

Umangat ang kilay niya at ibinalik ang tingin sa karagatan.

“You got your mom’s eyes. Innocent and… expressive. Though you have the color of my eyes.”

Nagtatagis ang bagang ko. Parang humampas lahat ng paghihirap ni Mama. Hindi ko dapat ‘yon isumbat sa kanya, ngunit binigyan niya ng responsibilidad si mama kaya siya nagpapakahirap!

“I left your mom because I can’t blow my cover. My contract doesn’t require any loved ones as an agent. You shouldn’t get attached to or have any emotions for the people around you. We are highly trained not to feel things, not to give sympathy, and not to act like how natural humans deal with their emotions.”

“Then why didn’t you retire just to pursue my mom?” At tila ba wala na rin sa isip ko, iyon na ang agad kong nasabi. “Why didn’t you choose us?”

“Retire and let us three get killed, you say?” he chuckled. “In this field, you only need one thing. Your job is your main priority.”

Alam ko ‘yon. Lalo na’t isinuko ko ang meron ako para makapasok lamang dito.

“Did you love her?” tanong ko.

I saw how his shoulder loosened a bit. Humarap siya sa akin at may kinuha sa gilid ng baywang niya at ibinigay sa akin.

“This is the task given to you. You have to shoot me.”

Natigilan ako at bumaba ang tingin sa inilahad na baril. The silencer has told me that if I’d shoot him, the only thing that would hear the gunshot was us.

“Shoot, or I’ll shoot you. You choose,” he said with no emotion at all.

Dahan dahan ko iyong inabot, kinasa, at mabilis na itinutok sa kanya. Galit na galit ako. I wanted to shoot him right then so I could avenge my mother and put him to blame. But he didn’t kill her. And my mother would be very disappointed if I blamed him for something he couldn’t control.

“Four cardinal rules. I bet you’ve learned that since you entered the military. The first rule.” He arched his brow.

Of course. Don’t point the gun to anybody if you are not intending to shoot.

Kinalabit ko ang baril hanggang pumutok iyon. But instead of seeing him on the floor covered with blood, there was no bullet.

“Second rule: Always treat the gun as loaded,” patuloy ko at inihagis iyon sa paanan niya. “Even if it wasn’t.”

He smiled and chuckled. “Hmm… To find me here and to know my real cover is already enough to impress me that you’ve got the skills like the spy.”

Para akong lumulutang sa ere. It was just my instinct kicking in that it wasn’t loaded because I knew the CIA still needs him; that’s why I shoot. Pero paano nga kung…may bala iyon?

“You’ve needed that determination in this operation. You should not be afraid to shoot, even if it’s a family member.”

Kinuha niya ang cellphone at may tinawagan.

“He passed,” sabi niya sa kabila habang nasa akin ang tingin.

“Like father like son, huh? Seems like he has surpassed you, Agent Vallero,” I heard the director of the CIA say.

Para akong maduduwal habang humihinga nang malalim. Naglakad siya sa akin at hinila ang batok ko hanggang mapasandal ako sa balikat niya. Ginulo niya ang buhok ko habang pumipikit ako.

“You’ve got this, kid. Catch him,” bulong niya.

Malalim ang paghinga ko. Ma… nahanap ko si Papa… Hindi siya kriminal, ma. Noong sinabi ng lahat na kagaya niya ako, lalaking kagaya ng ama ko, totoo yata ang sinabi nila, ma. Dahil mukhang susunod ako sa yapak niya.

Ngunit sisiguraduhin kong mas masahol ako sa kanya. Dahil hindi makakatakas ang pumatay sa’yo, ma. Ako mismo ang tatapos sa misyong ito.

“My mission as Wallace Serrano was compromised when they found out I made your mom pregnant. I needed to find reasons to leave her, and they came up with a plan to look like I was dead. But your mom was pregnant that time. I cannot give her that kind of news. I came up with the idea that I was jailed for years. Enough reason not to visit her anymore as what Grace wants because it’s too dangerous,” kuwento niya habang nasa chopper kami pabalik sa opisina.

Tahimik kong tinanaw ang labas habang iniisip ang buhay ng aking ama. Lumaki akong tampulan ng tukso. Lumaki akong inaakalang masama ang aking ama. Si mama lamang ang naniwala na hindi raw ganoon si papa. She has put her faith in him, and she doesn’t want me to hate him.

“If you have a girlfriend, you should break up with her. Grace won’t like it if he searches into your personal data and you have a loved-one—”

“I don’t have any,” bigkas ko.

“Don’t involve any woman in your operation. The mission might be compromised if you’ve fall—”

“If I repeated your mistake in the past?” I cut him off.

Tumahimik siya. I glanced at him. He was twitching his lips while nodding and pinching his lower lip.

“Most of the smugglers were sending money to the same name, Wallace Serrano. It wasn’t you, isn’t it? It was that bastard who’s behind the big syndicate, using your cover-up, to let you know that he has found you.”

My father is his biggest competitor.

“He was trying to pursue you because you’ve found out about him. He wanted to kill you because you were behind the failures of his shipments. But he didn’t know, you are an agent,” patuloy ko.

“You’re good.” Tinapik tapik niya ang balikat ko, namamangha. “The syndicate was actually part of the cover. It exists for infiltrating the other syndicate, which I believe you would manage now that you will handle this operation.”

I passed. I am now the new Wallace Serrano who will expose himself in the eyes of the public to lure all of the big syndicates that he exist. The one who was feared in the past by the other syndicates. The one who has the hustling criminal records.

“Agent Serra Lewis. She will be part of your team to work with you in the field,” the director said, showing the picture of the woman who’s gonna be my main team for my own classified mission with the CIA.

“I’d send her into the Philippines with you. You can use her for your other operations, but always remember your main goal, which is to capture who’s behind the big syndicate with a code name ghost.”

They needed him caught in the act. To hold more credible evidence that would point at him. The CIA didn’t know that the one they were looking for was actually my superior.

At hindi alam ni Colonel na may ganito akong misyon kasama ang CIA. Na naroon ang ama ko. Ngayon magkakasubukan kung sino ang mas wais sa aming dalawa. Na akala niya, siya ang kumukontrol sa akin. Pero hindi niya alam, marami na akong itinanim na bomba sa kinatatayuan niya.

My first operation together with the team was in Caraga, which was to recover the firearms of the engineer of the Williams itself. And wow. It’s Draven. I know he’s invested in the military, but I didn’t know he’d come this far.

Remembering my past trainings that became hell because of Drystan, I tipped the El Royale, which was the private armed group handled by Arkaine, that Wallace Serrano would be in their hotel.

“Those were your former friends?” si Serra habang nasa Caraga na kami.

“What if they’ll get on the way? I’ll shoot?” she smirked and tilted her head at me.

“No body count,” I warned her.

She laughed. “Ah… if Grace finds out that you care for them—”

“Shoot me if I get distracted. Not fatal,” putol ko, desidido.

She nodded and smirked more while chewing her gum. “Alright. I’ll shoot…” Tumingin siya sa katawan ko at pinisil ang aking braso. “Here?”

I rolled my eyes and took her hand out of my hand. Humalakhak siya.

“Or here?” Sabay hawak niya sa dibdib ko.

“Hmm… I should shoot you here. You’d die for having feelings for that supermodel, anyway…”

“Mahinhin ang anak ni Mr. Williams. Don’t blow your cover because of your playfulness—”

“Why? You think I’d fuck there? I’m not that scandalous.” She laughed more.

Patay-malisya ang ilang teammates ko sa van.

“Give me some route later for an escape, Liam,” sabi ko.

Tumango ito at inayos ang suot na shade. Tatlo silang sa van lamang. Si Liam at Deter sa security system. Si Elayne naman sa surveillance. Kami ni Serra lagi ang nasa field dahil madalas kaming undercovers.

The plan was to hostage Serra, who was undercover as Kaycee Williams, to catch those parts of the syndicate, my own syndicate. So they won’t think that I was one of the agents.

Sa laki ng sakop ng sindikato ng aking ama dahil kinuha ko ang bawat tiwala ng iba’t ibang malalaking sindikato para pumanig sa akin, kailangan kong magdahan dahan.

Russel wanted to come with me, but I brought Rios, one of the sons of the senator, which was a big fish as well. I’d turn him in this time, and I know who’s the trigger.

“Bring the engineer in,” I ordered.

Let’s see if Ashtraia will come in because I pulled Draven in. And if Rios sees her, the bastard will reach his limit of pretending. That’s enough evidence that he’s part of the syndicate because the agents will catch him in the act.

Noong hinawakan ko ang operasyon, hindi ko na inisip na may babalikan pa ako sa nakaraan. I built a new life, and I gave up those people who were in the past. But it seems like they haven’t given me up the way I turned my back on them.

“Surrender, Trison!” Ashtraia’s broken voice made me stop.

“Your last chance to jump on the window, Alcaraz. The private armed group is now clashing against the military. You need to hurry up,” rinig ko sa aking tainga ang mensahe ng agent na si Liam.

When Serra shot and I fell, I knew I got distracted and he needed to remind me. Nahulog ako sa truck na puro basura at agad iyong umandar. I groaned while looking at the side of my arm.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pumikit.

“The assault team has already secured the perimeter,” I heard Liam say on my small communication device.

“How about Serra?” I asked, pulling myself up while the garbage truck was now moving.

“Nakikipagtalakan pa roon sa isang Ferrarin. She was trying to make sure that your cover as Wallace is absolute.”

Ramdam ko agad ang galit ni Ashtraia sa akin. Baka kung kaya lang akong hawakan noon, nasuntok na ako. I took the chance when the truck slowed down and jumped. Gumulong ako sa gilid ng damuhan at dumaing dahil sa daplis na nakuha kanina.

Lumusot ako sa kakahuyan at ginawang tali ang aking tie para pigilan ang pagdugo. Hindi maalis sa isip ko ang titig ni Draven. I scoffed and laughed. Kung hindi ka lang sana masyadong marupok sa Ferrarin, edi sana alam mo ang operasyon? Dystan might not even want you to take part in this because he knows how soft you are when it comes to their clan.

I hijacked another car for an escape when I saw the car tailing behind me.

“You’ve got a shadow. The military will handle it,” si Liam sa kabilang linya.

“Who was it?”

“Part of the El Royale.”

Nang makitang may isa pang kotse na sumunod, alam ko na agad kung sino ang nagsasalpukan. Gusto kong humagalpak. Here you go, Drystan. Your own pain in the ass.

The operation in Caraga was actually successful. Pinalabas lamang na pumalpak pero iyon ang tunay na takbo ng misyon. To make it look like it failed because the main target slipped. But no. It wasn’t. It was part of the mission.

I thought after what happened in Caraga, I wouldn’t be able to face any Ferrarin again. But I was wrong.

“There’s another player. I repeat. There’s another player tailing you behind,” si Elayne.

“Who?” I lifted my gaze and saw a car overtaking the others just to chase after me.

Liam muttered a curse under his breath. “A Ferrarin.”

“Oh…” si Serra na bahagyang natawa. “It’s fine as long as it’s not Arkaine.”

May kaunting katahimikan doon. Muli akong tumingin sa salamin at lumalapit na nang lumalapit ang kotse.

“Si Arkaine?” tila ba napagtanto ni Serra ang pananahimik ni Liam.

“Yes,” Liam sighed.

Umangat ang dalawa kong kilay. Serra grunted a low curse.

“Pull over, Trison,” agap ni Serra.

“Why?” tanong ko lalo na’t kaya ko naman siyang takasan.

“Just pull over! Delikado ‘yan sa daan! May traffic sa dulo. Mahuhuli ka niyan so better yet, just get caught somewhere in private!”

Binasa ko ang labi at sinunod ang gusto ni Serra. I pulled over and went out of the car. Lumusot ako sa kakahuyan habang ramdam ko na may pumasok din sa likuran.

I stopped in the open space so I could at least talk to her calmly.

“Kasalanan mo ‘yan. Hinamon mo,” si Serra.

And just like a second, I saw her silhuette moving like a ghost. Jesus. I can’t even trace her movements fully.

“Come out. I’m unarmed,” sabi ko lalo na’t lalala ito kung manglalaban ako.

Though… I am trying to outsmart her.

She indeed came out with a gun. Ngumisi ako nang makita siya. Compared to the last time I’ve seen her, she has changed. Ngunit kung may kakaiba man sa kanya, iyon ay ang tindig niya. In the military, and she’s my opponent, she’s too open, but at the same time, it felt like it’s a trap to take the bait and attack her. May kilabot siyang dala.

“Never disarm her gun, Trison. Let her hold it. Never disarm it,” si Serra na ang ingay.

“Why?” bulong ko habang hindi inaalis ang tingin kay Arkaine nang bigla itong magpaputok! Sa paanan ko! Now I can sense she’s mad.

“You’ve caused ruckus in one of my territories, Alcaraz,” si Arkaine sa malamig na tinig.

“Ah… I’m sorry. Napag-utusan lang ng sindikato—”

She shot again. This time, it was the tree behind me. Oh fuck. I need to get that gun. Papatayin niya ako.

Hindi na nagsasalita ang team ko sa surveillance van. Seems like they’re watching it critically and studying her movements too.

When she went near me, I saw an opening to disarm the gun she was holding. I tried to move, but Serra suddenly shouted.

“Huwag kang gumalaw you idiot!”

“Ah…” I winced and touched my ear because of the loud shout she made.

“Hindi ba natopic sa’yo ng superior mo tungkol sa kanya?” Serra asked.

“Ang alin?” I asked cluelessly while I stayed alert.

“Fuck, Trison. She’s Katana! That’s her code name! Kung wala kang alam sino siya, patay ka talaga!”

Katana… Katana… I tried to recall it. Na lecture naman siguro ito, but maybe my mind was wandering somewhere. Or…it was those moments I needed to fly to France because it’s Ayeselle’s runway?

Arkaine made a move. I dodged it by stepping backwards because she tried to outbalance me. Sinubukan kong agawin ang baril ngunit sumigaw ulit si Serra sa tainga ko.

“I said don’t fucking disarm her gun! Mas matakot ka kung wala siyang hawak na baril!” si Serra.

“Papasabugin niya ang bungo ko kung hindi ko kukunin sa kanya. She shoots twice,” I whispered surreptitiously while dodging the attacks Arkaine fired continuously.

Magaling siya sa close combat. Sa dami ng nakalaban ko, isa siya sa masasabi kong malinis ang galaw. Yes, there were openings, but it seems like bait so she could outsmart you, so she could defeat you.

“She has weapons hiding underneath her dress. Don’t give her reasons to pull it out. Mas mapapahamak ka pag ‘yun na ang ginamit niya,” patuloy ni Serra habang nahawakan ko ang paa ni Arkaine nang inambahan niya ako ng sipa.

“I’m a black belter. I know how to outbalance her—”

“Black belter, you say? She got the code name Katana because she’s the sharpest weapon herself, Trison. Don’t underestimate her. That’s the deadliest opponent I warn you.”

Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang isa niyang paa at hinila iyon but she made a drastic turn and used her other foot to swing it up to kick my head!

“I found her classified data,” si Liam. “Arkaine Ferrarin. Code name, Katana. Recruited by the Russian government once to…to join the war as a pilot fighter. Hindi na active ang profile niya and seems like they faked her death so she wouldn’t be traced when she retired early and handled a private armed group, which was the El Royale here in the Philippines. Targeted by a lot of assassins. But she was feared by the others because of her code name, which they didn’t disclose here…”

Napaatras ako at medyo naging malabo ang paningin. Umatake siyang muli. I outbalance her until she falls to the ground against her back. I hovered over her and tried to pin her hands so she couldn’t move as I traced some weapons in her body that she might use against me.

“You want help?” si Arkaine nang haplusin ko ang katawan niya para maghanap.

“Trison! Listen!” si Serra na sumisigaw. “Pull yourself up and stop getting near her! Magpapakamatay ka ba?!”

I guess I got too cocky. Because the next thing I knew, she suddenly wrapped her legs around me and flipped me over until I lay against my back on the ground, and she’s now sitting on my stomach as she draws knives on the sides of her legs.

I tried to move, but she suddenly threw her knife in my face! Hindi ko alam kung nailagan ko ba iyon o…talagang sinadya niyang itarak ito sa gilid ko.

But then, because of the sharp knife, I felt the small cut on my cheek until the blood trickled down a bit. It didn’t hurt. Doon ko lang napansing napuruhan ako noong umagos ang dugo.

“I fucking told you, idiot!” si Serra na sumisigaw. “She’s Katana! Wala pang nakakapagpatumba sa kanya! Iniiwasan siya ng lahat for that reason!”

Arkaine leaned forward, so I raised my hand as a defeat to let her know I was not moving anymore. Our faces leveled until she slowly tilted them.

“Hello, Serra…” she whispered against my ear, as if she knew whom I was talking to on my hidden communication device.

“Gusto mo raw akong makausap? Is sending your team the easy way instead of barging into my office?” Arkaine chuckled coldly.

“This mission is not yours. Wallace Serrano is ours. Stop getting on the way, Arkaine. Bida bida ka talaga,” si Serra na ramdam kong ngumingisi rin.

Arkaine chuckled against my ear. Nag-amba akong lumingon ngunit biglang idinikit ni Arkaine ang isang kutsilyo sa aking panga kaya hindi ako gumalaw. I shut my eyes. I think my set-up for Drystan backfired against me.

“He included my territory. He’s now my responsibility as well. And since your team included my group on this mission of yours, I will take part on this,” si Arkaine.

Tumawa si Serra. “Oh you are just trying to find ways to flirt him,” she chuckled back.

“He’s all yours. You can even hide him in your underwear, which I don’t mind.”

“Ah… at kakapkapan mo ako? Hmm…” Serra chuckled.

Mariin akong pumikit at umungol. Kailangan bang nandito ako?

When the superior said to never include a Ferrarin, I think they only meant Arkaine. Hindi ko siya kailanman nakalaban sa field. She has her own group, and I got busy in New York for my other operation. Siguro ay uminit nga ang ulo niya dahil sa ginawa ko sa hotel nila.

Our mission was classified. Hindi pwedeng kuntyabahin ang may-ari ng hotel dahil maaaring pumalpak ang operasyon pag marami nang nakakaalam. Our main operation was to let me escape and get the firearms. Kung pinaalam namin iyon sa hotel, maaaring nahuli ako, at hindi nakatakas. Of course, having another player would only mess up the strategy.

But this…is a defeat. She held me captive. A professional killer like me.

“Talk,” si Arkaine nang tingnan ako ulit at ayaw nang sagutin ang mga kalokohan ni Serra.

“Trison,” Serra called warningly.

Arkaine pulled the device I’m using for connection and tossed it away from me. He pulled my neckline up while she stood as well.

Ramdam ko na sumisigaw na sa frustration si Serra ngayon.

“Agent Trison Alcaraz, ma’am…” pakilala ko at inilahad ang kamay.

She slapped it with her knife. Ibinulsa ko iyon dahil baka umuwi ako nitong isa nalang ang kamay.

“I don’t care whatever classified operation you have, but including my cousin…”

Umiling ako. “Hindi ko siya sinali—”

“You lured Draven in to get her in as well. Alam mo ‘yon,” she said, looking at me intensely.

I pursed my lips. Tumango ako dahil mukhang basang basa niya ang nangyari doon.

“Ikaw ang nagbigay ng tip sa amin na pumunta roon at makipagsalpukan sa kabilang grupo,” she hissed.

“I was teasing Drsytan—” Ngunit nang inambahan niyang gamitin ang kutsilyo sa akin, napaatras agad ako.

“Woah, chill! Alright, alright! We needed to make a nice excuse for an escape in the eyes of the public to mold my credibility as Wallace! Iyon ‘yon!”

“Who’s your superior?” seryoso niyang tanong, na pag namali ako ng sagot, kakatayin pa yata ako.

“Colonel Chavez.”

I didn’t sense any suspicion in her expression. Iba ang takbo ng isip ni Arkaine. Hindi ko mabasa. And I swear to myself that I will never trust anyone. Not even those people I once knew. May sarili akong operasyon. At hindi ko iyon dapat ipagsabi kung gusto kong hindi ako pumalpak.

“This is a classified mission by the CIA, Arkaine.” Well, not this part. “We needed to capture a big syndicate. Maraming sakop ang sindikato nila, at may hawak ng listahan ng mga sangkot.”

“Since when did this operation start?” she asked.

“When it was revealed to the public that I was behind the hustling criminal named Wallace Serrano.”

Tumitig siya sa akin. It was those cold eyes that’s unique to all of the Ferrarins because she shows less emotion. There was no trace at all.

“You purposely surrendered. Why?”

Binasa ko ang labi. “Still part of the operation.”

“So it was staged? They pulled one of the syndicates out who took you in so you could blend into them?”

Tumango ako. “Hindi ito pwedeng lumabas sa publiko. Sapat na iyong nakatakas ako. This is a dangerous mission. If I blow up my cover, this country might…suffer with me.”

Tila ba naiintindihan niya iyon. “Because you tricked a lot of foreign drug syndicates. It was almost attracting war if they found out all along; they’re dealing with a special agent.”

She’s part of the military. Yes, she established her own group, but it seems like they’re an alley of the government.

“Let’s bargain. I want you to work with me.”

I scoffed and laughed. Ngunit nang makitang seryoso siya, tumikhim ako at nagseryoso.

“Guard one of my cousin…” she continued.

Oh… Now I’m interested.

“Who?”

“You know who. Chesca told me about it.”

Ngumisi ako nang mabanggit si Chesca at gusto siyang biruin doon. She looked at me coldly. Itinaas ko ulit ang mga kamay ko at sinukuan na ang pagbibiro sa kanya. Ayoko na ulit. Baka sa susunod langit na ang bagsak ko.

I didn’t stay longer in the Philippines as I have a lot of operations in foreign countries. Idagdag pa ang pagiging Wallace Serrano ko.

Russel clumsily dropped his fork. Nasa Germany kaming dalawa at may kikitaing package sa isang restaurant. Itinagilid ko ang ulo lalo na’t nasa paanan ko iyon. Russel looked at me meaningfully, which I immediately read and crouched a bit to pick it up.

Yumuko din si Russel hanggang naging magkalebel ang mukha namin.

“The package is a set-up. We’re being ambush,” bulong niya.

Nahalata niya ba ang team ko? But they were surreptitious. I can’t even tell which one is undercover and which is just a guest.

“Three o’clock. Suit and tie. CFI agent. Six o’clock. Woman sipping her champagne in her red dress. CIA. Three o’clock. An agent. I could name a few more, but to summarize it all, they’re all bad news and we needed to leave. Now.”

Gumalaw ang mga mata ko at ibinalik agad sa kanya.

“Matao. These are agents. It’s part of their protocol not to shoot any civilians, for sure.”

“Yes. But that’s not our main problem here, Wallace. We are targeted by three assassins. Push cart. A woman. You handle her, and I’ll handle the two.”

I heard the push cart approaching our table. Sabay kaming bumangon ni Russel sa pagkakayuko habang hawak niya na ang tinidor. I picked up my drink and acted like nothing was suspicious.

I know that Liam has immediately gathered the classified data of the assasin by tracing her face to dive into its data.

“Russel is right. She’s an assassin. Twenty-body count. Active profile. Turned rogue on her former agency and was now taking missions for blood money,” aniya sa communicating device na nakatago sa katawan ko.

Huminto na ang babae sa aking gilid at ngumiti. I smiled back while Russel was just waiting for a snap so he could move.

“Dessert, sir?” she offered, looking at the aluminum cover.

I smiled and put my drink down. Noong binuksan niya ang takip, maliksi ang kilos, kamay at dinampot ang baril, I immediately controlled her hand and aimed it at my side instead when she attempted to shoot me.

The shot made the glass from behind shattered, which created a commotion among the guests. I disarmed her gun until she dropped it on the floor while her other hand drew another weapon at the side of her leg.

May agarang tumayo sa kabilang table at si Russel ang inatake. He tried to shoot him, but Russel disarmed the gun and elbowed his face while he broke the wine bottle and used it as a weapon on the other man who was nearing.

Ang ambang pagsaksak sa akin ng babaeng assasin sa leeg ay mabilis kong napigilan. I used my full force to control it until I banged her on the wall, which made her grumble and drop the knife.

I glanced at Russel who just stabbed the assasin’s neck using the tip of the broken bottle of wine.

“Let’s go, Russ!” senyas ko lalo na’t madali na lamang tumakas dahil sa mga bisitang nagtatakbuhan.

We immediately blended in with the crowd. Lumiko kami sa isang pasilyo at saktong may pumutok na baril sa gilid na nagpayuko sa aming dalawa. One of the assassins tailed behind us with a shotgun. Oh damn it!

Sunod sunod ang pagpapaputok niya habang nagtatago kami ni Russel sa gilid.

“I’ll disarm him. Find the package. Teach him a lesson.”

I did what he said. I moved on the other side until it was shot again. Russel took that opportunity and ran to the assasin for combat.

“Give me the details of their fight, Liam,” sabi ko sa communication device. “And Deter, trace the package. Give me the location.”

“He’s now heading to the rooftop for an escape. Seems like a chopper is coming to get him,” si Deter.

“The assasin is skilled. Russel is having a hard time pinning him down,” patuloy ni Liam.

I clenched my jaw and walked to the side to get to the rooftop. Well, the package is important to Russel, and especially to our group. But not to my main mission as an undercover.

“Serra,” I called.

“I’m on standby. Which one I’ll shoot? The assasin or…both? I don’t like these motherfuckers.”

“Don’t shoot. Russel would find out there’s another player. Once your bullet would be recovered by him, maghihinala ‘yan kung bakit may tumulong na lisensyadong agent.”

“Then? Should I shoot you instead? I’m getting bored watching you as my visual.” si Serra na back-up ko lagi sa field at alam kong nagtatago ngayon sa ceiling habang pinapanood ako.

“Where are you going, Trison? Wrong way. You’re heading back. Nasa kaliwa ang patungo sa rooftop,” si Deter.

“I know,” sabi ko at nagmadaling bumalik.

“Trison!” may banta sa tawag ni Serra.

“I’m cutting off the communication. Abort. I’ll handle this.”

“Trison! Idiot! You aren’t supposed to—”

Bago pa matapos ang sasabihin ni Serra ay hinila ko na ang device hanggang nawala ang koneksyon ko sa kanila.

Whatever happens to me, my team won’t be compromised by my drastic decision. This is my own plan. If Grace found out, at least I would receive the punishment alone.

Nang makita ako ni Russel, namilog ang mga mata niya. He was now strangled by the assasin hovering over him, as his face was deep red and it seemed like he’d lose his breath in a few seconds.

I took the vase on my way to them and smashed it on the assasin’s head until he collapsed. Parang nakawala sa pagkakalunod si Russel nang bumangon at hinabol ang paghinga sa marahas na paraan. He lifted his head and looked at me while struggling to breathe.

“The package, Wallace!” he hissed.

“I don’t want your dead body with me and the package,” I smirked and offered my hand.

Naiiling siyang napangisi at kinuha iyon. I pulled him up while he squinted his eyes a bit.

“He’s skilled. I should have spent more time learning to fight instead of being invested with guns…”

“Aanhin mo rin naman ang natutunan mo kung mababaril ka lang?” sabi ko habang naglalakad kami palayo.

We heard a grunt from behind. Shit. Noong lumingon kami ni Russel, naghihingalo nang nakatayo ang assasin at may hawak na baril. Before I knew it, he had already fired it. Russel pushed me until he groaned while my hand drew the gun out and shot the assasin back immediately.

If he…didn’t push me, I am so sure that I would be shot in the chest. But I dodged the fact that he was shot on his arm instead.

“Russ…” Mabilis ko siyang nilapitan habang dumadaing siya at napapapikit.

Mabilis ko siyang inalalayang tumayo. Our escape route was already planned earlier, so it wouldn’t be hard for us to leave things behind.

Noong maipasok ko siya sa van na naghihintay sa amin, I treated his wound right away so he wouldn’t lose too much blood.

“I want to marry her, Wallace,” aniya kaya natigilan ako saglit at tiningnan siyang nakatingin din sa sugat niya.

“This isn’t fatal, Russ. Hindi ka mamamatay,” I said, chuckling that he might only be saying things because he thought he’d die.

“Pakakasalan ko siya,” saka siya may dinukot sa bulsa niya habang abala ako sa sugat niya sa braso.

“Who?”

“That woman.” He chuckled and took my cigarette on his lips.

“I’ll get the bullet,” sabi ko para mapaghandaan niya ang sakit habang kinakalabit na ngayon ang lighter.

Tumango siya at humithit. I started my own operation to get the bullet out of his skin as he squinted his eyes and blew the smoke while the pain was etched on his face.

“Who, Russ? You have a long list of women,” balik ko sa topic namin.

“That woman whose supposed to give me a baby?” His smirk mingled on his pained expression as he puffed his cigarette again to distract himself with the pain.

Ah…shit. Diana? Tumango ako at ipinagpatuloy ang paggamot sa sugat niya habang distracted na siya sa topic at nakalimutang nabaril pala.

“I’m tired of running away from that woman, Wallace. She always has that way to crawl back into my life. Into my system. And damn her. Nakakapagod na siyang iwasan kaya itatali ko nalang nang matapos tapos ang kahibangan niya.”

Tumawa ako. “To summarize it all, you’re in love.” Saka ko pinunit ang sleeves ng aking damit para iyon ang gawin munang alternative at pigilan ang dugo.

Umangat ang kilay niya. “I’ll marry her because, who knows? I might die in the next few days. At least nasulit ang buhay.”

“You are saying that after you catch the bullet that was supposed to shoot me, what’s this? A sudden realization when you were chased by death?” I conversed playfully.

Humalik ang nanunuyang ngisi sa labi niya. “I’ve seen her face earlier. It suddenly flashed. While she’s in my bed and…”

Umangat ang kilay ko. I know where that word is leading.

Nagkibit siyang muli, parang ayaw nang ipagpatuloy ang parteng iyon. “I want to wake up next to her. That’s it.”

Natawa ako sa paliwanag niya. But I know he meant a deeper kind of relationship. He meant to be with her for the rest of her life. He wanted her as a wife.

“But you’re gonna leave her behind, knowing the danger we are in. Masasaktan mo,” payo ko.

He laughed. “Gano’n pa rin naman ‘yon. What if it was reverse, Wallace? What if she died first? I might regret not spending time with her?”

Natahimik ako at nag-isip isip. Magkaiba nga ang pag-iisip ng lahat ng tao. I don’t mind suffering alone. I have already dedicated my life to chasing the justice of my mother. Kung namatay ako sa kalagitnaan ng operasyon, mapapanatag ako dahil wala akong iiwanan. Ayeselle might find another man because I didn’t pursue her.

But if…she died first, what would happen? Will I ever pursue my goals as Wallace? Or I’ll mess it up because my hope died.

She’s the hope to live, to dream, and to keep going. If I lose her, what’s the purpose of fighting?

It wasn’t the first time we encountered danger like that. I also got shot. And I guess I understand why Russel suddenly came up with that decision.

When my eyes were blurry, as I was battling between life and death, I saw her. She flashed through my mind. But instead of seeing my past with her, I’ve seen the future that I wanted for the both of us.

She was in her wedding dress as she walked toward me. And when I kissed her in front of the crowd, as soon as I pulled away, I saw another moment while we were standing on the beach with her swollen belly. Natatawa siyang tumakbo. Hinabol ko siya. And when I caught her as her laugh sounded so raw that it felt so real, the moment started changing as we were suddenly laughing inside our house and our kids joined us. Natatawa kong dinampot ang babaeng anak na kamukhang kamukha niya, si Ayeselle na nangingiting hinalikan sa pisngi ang babaeng anak.

I smiled when her face flashed in my eyes. But the more I stared at her, the more reality hit me until the face of the woman who was blurry started getting clear. My memories vanished like air, as I could already feel that I had woken up from that beautiful dream.

“Trison! Trison!” si Serra na tinapik tapik ang pisngi ko.

“What happened?” I whispered weakly.

“You were shot while escaping. Grace has sent us to get you and treat your wound. Babalik ka sa kuta niyo pag maayos kana.”

I sighed and closed my eyes until I felt how it hurt.

“Hindi ka pa mamamatay! Anong iniiyak iyak mo?” si Serra na lumagapak ang kamay sa balikat ko.

I laughed and shook my head. I had a beautiful dream… only a dream…

When Russel said he’d marry her, he really did. I’ve witnessed it. Just a simple wedding ceremony, and I’m the best man.

“Nagkacrush pa ako sa’yo noon tapos best man ka lang pala!” tukso ni Diana at tumawa pagkatapos ng kasal.

Umangat ang kilay ni Russel. There was something about the way he looked at me. I raised my hands and chuckled.

Noon, iniisip ko na baka masasali si Diana. But I saw how Russel built another new world for her so that she wasn’t included in the illegal activities of the family he’s handling. Diana has no clue at all. Hindi niya rin pinapasilip kahit sa factory lang. She’s sheltered.

“Pst. Trison,” sitsit ni Diana sa akin habang nasa kusina ako, topless at naghihiwa ng ham.

She was on the sofa with her cute rabbit headband, while there was a white mask on her face.

“Miss mo ba si Ayeselle?”

I didn’t express too much emotion about it. Nakikita ko na medyo desidido siyang magtanong kaya tumayo pa at lumapit.

“Balita ko may boyfriend siya ngayon? Sikat daw. Holywood actor. Tapos ikaw…sikat ka rin naman. Pagkatapos mo ngang ibalita sa TV, sumunod agad ‘yung palabas ng lalake niya.”

I slammed the fridge shut while taking the butter out. Hindi siya nadala doon at sumandal pa sa sink at ngiting ngiti sa akin. This is the annoying part about Diana. Russel spoiled her so much that she’s not afraid to do the things she likes here. Even ruining my day is part of her routine.

“Mahilig pala si Ayeselle sa mga lalakeng lumalabas sa tv, ‘no? Sikat na sikat ka pa naman ngayon. Wallace Serrano. Action pa ang genre mo sa tv. Dami mo pang fans. Araw araw may humahabol sa’yo,” she teased.

I continued making my sandwich. She tailed behind me and tilted her head, and she looked at me with a grin on her face.

“Uy pikon…” she giggled. “Ang ganda pa naman ni Ayeselle. Nagsesend ‘yon ng pictures sa akin. Gusto mong ipakita ko sa’yo?”

“Diana. You married Russel. Ruin his day. Not mine.” I pushed her head away.

“Aminin mo muna na nagseselos ka sa mga lalake ni Ayeselle. Supermodel na siya. Ikaw super…super wanted?”

I sprinkled some water on the pan kaya natalsikan siya ng kaonti sa mukha. She shrieked and whined about it to her husband.

“Ang sama sama ni Wallace! Nagluto siya tapos tinalsikan ako!” her dramatic voice when Russel popped out.

“What do you want me to do? Fry him?” Russel conversed in a childish way.

Nilingon ko sila at nakitang malapit na siya kay Diana at tinitingnan ang parte ng mukha niya kung saan natalsikan kuno. Spoiled girl.

But then it calmed me down to see Russel being a normal person when Diana was around. He gets emotional when she’s around.

“Wallace, let’s talk,” si Russel kinagabihan habang naninigarilyo ako sa bay view.

“You’ll fry me?” Ngisi ko habang nakapangalumbaba sa railings.

Natawa siya at kinuha ang sigarilyo ko at hinithit. I watched the flickering city lights while he looked serious.

“Remember the favor you asked about me years ago?”

Nilingon ko siya. I could sense he had already thought about it.

“I don’t mind if you betray me. I will forgive you. But do me one thing. Just one thing.” Itinuro niya ako gamit ang sigarilyo.

Ginaya ko ang posisyon niya at tumalikod sabay sandal sa railings. Humithit siya at tumingalang ibinuga ang usok.

“Look out for her. If something happened to me, if you would come up with a plan that you needed to turn your back on me, make sure she’s safe.”

Namulsa ako at binasa ang pang-ibabang labi. Kung nasa ganitong mundo ka, hindi na bago ang panganib. Pwede kang mamatay ano mang oras.

“I’ll do the same thing to your girl if something bad happens to you…” he smirked.

I scoffed and shook my head. “Nagpapaniwala ka sa asawa mo? I’m not in love.”

He rolled his eyes, and there was a hint of a playful smile on his lips.

“Really? When you watch her runway all the fuckin’ time? Sinong lolokohin mo dito?”

Ngumisi ako. “Bestfriend ni Diana.”

“I know. Bukambibig niya. I kind of memorize her too. Siya daw ang naging tulay sa inyo,” he chuckled, like he seemed invested in Diana’s rants.

Ngumiti ako at tumingala sa langit.

“Must be sad, huh? Your story…” he mumbled.

Mukhang maraming nakwento si Diana sa kanya. There’s nothing to hide, though. Wala naman siyang mapapala doon.

I wanted to distance from Russel sometimes. But out of all the people around me in this darkness, he’s the least person I want to see dead.

“This is Martin Castellano,” pakilala ni dad sa akin sa sumunod na araw.

How would I even forget him when I knew he was supposed to be her fiance?

“Your kid?” Martin looked at my father as if he knew what he did.

I know how this man’s mind works. He’s more cunning than how I built Wallace Serrano in the eyes of the public. He was bargaining some things with my father in exchange for eliminating his opponents while putting all the things he wanted on one boat to blow them up. He’s selling them out by taking their trust, and once they click the bait, they’re busted.

Ang shipping lines nila ang mismong gagamitin bilang pangtawid. But the tricky part there was that he was shipping to set up his competitors. He got my father as his main back up, and the cunning part about him is that if the real Wallace Serrano exists, it would be him.

And once the operation was successful, he’d be pushed to the top as well. Halos parehas lang ng tactics ko. Kinukuha ang loob at nagpapanggap na kasama siyang nahuhuli pero pakana niya ang lahat.

I can’t imagine Ayeselle marrying this man. I can’t imagine the danger he was putting on her. Lalo na’t sa pinaggagawa nitong si Martin, wala siyang takot na binabangga ang lahat at kusang binubutasan ang walang butas na kalaban para lang mataob niya.

When my next operation came, and I needed to get Ayeselle so she could be the mastermind behind the successful operation of the syndicate getting busted in Batangas, I knew it would be a tough battle.

“Wala bang iba?” reklamo ko noong pinaplano pa lamang iyon.

The president looked at me carefully. Even Colonel Chavez’s eyes looked at me as well. Tumikhim ako.

“Nakakadistract ang ganda. Tipo ko ang mga supermodel. Baka pumalpak ako?” biro ko lalo na’t nasa kalagitnaan pa iyon ng pagpaplano nang bigla kong naisingit.

Sinipa ako sa ilalim ng mesa ni Serra na nakahalukipkip sa kanyang upuan. I boredly leaned against my seat as they continued the planning.

“Ayeselle Estiece Acosta Ferrarin—or Estiece, a supermodel. She’s not one of the most good fighters the Donya has, but she can outsmart any opponents who don’t know the basics about martial arts. She graduated with Latin honors in Bachelor of Science in Psychology. She won’t side with Wallace Serrano if we let her in,” patuloy ni Colonel Chavez habang pinapakita ang profile ni Ayeselle.

I tried not to clench my jaw. Naglalaro naman ang titig ni Serra sa akin.

“Other than that, she’s close to Sullivan, who was rumored to be his girlfriend. A valid reason why she was abducted instead.”

Umangat ang aking kilay. Rumored. May lalake ka rin pala rito sa Pinas? Noong sinabi kong manlalake muna siya habang busy ako, tinotoo pala? Nanlalalake talaga?

Not that I care though…but…

“The main operation will be conducted on the shore. Team Alpha will cover the forest, Team Bravo on the sea, and Team Charlie on the ground. Those Team Delta will handle the men left in the upper where the ongoing party is. Just make sure to capture the subject, Diana, and the main priority, Ayeselle. Never let them get into the shore so the mission won’t get distracted.”

Nagsitanguan ang lahat. Ako lamang ang nakatitig doon.

“And lastly, the assault team will handle the capture of those who are part of the syndicates, especially Russel. He is one of the main targets. Kill Wallace Serrano first to shake his composure, and we could pin him down. They’re close friends. Losing a loved one in the middle of the war is a good opportunity to weaken him.”

Tumitig nang malalim si Serra sa akin. Kailanman, hindi ko pinakita sa kanila na may pakialam ako sa grupo ko bilang Wallace Serrano. They could kill them in front of me without showing any remorse that I care…but Russel…I don’t think I won’t snap.

“Serra will handle the shooting of Wallace Serrano. Make it appear fatal. Just enough for some witnesses to claim that he was shot resulted in his death.”

“How about he was in the car escaping at pinasabog nalang natin, sir?” Serra suggested.

Ngumiwi ako sa kanya. Gusto pa yata nitong gawin akong abo.

“He could escape, Serra. Wallace’s team must see how he got shot so we could convince the public that there are witnesses that Wallace is already dead. So shoot him during the operation on the shore.”

Tumango si Serra. “Sa ulo, sir?” she joked.

“May nabubuhay pa ba kung sa ulo, Serra?” Angat ko ng kilay sa kanya. “Tuluyan mo nalang ako.”

Our teammates laughed, and even the president smiled.

“Then how do you want me to shoot? On the chest?” she suggested.

“Not fatal, Serra. Just enough to make it seem like he’s dead. Shoot his arm. The blood will scatter on his chest. May ilang minutong ibibigay para alisin lahat ng mga kagrupo ni Wallace saka dadamputin siya at gagamutin agad sa naka standby na van.”

“Imagine if there are other players. Edi naubusan ka ng dugo at namatay din?” si Serra na natawa.

I shifted in my seat. This is so weird. I am here, and they’re planning for my death as Wallace.

I know why Colonel Chavez was desperate to get involved in this operation. He needed to make sure that they would eliminate who’s behind the other syndicate, which has been his competitor since day one. He was using the whole operation to defeat his own enemy so he could finally run his own drug syndicate smoothly. Iyon ang tunay niyang pakay at ako mismo ang gusto niyang gamitin dahil alam niyang kayang kaya kong hanapin ang ama ko na hindi niya nagawa.

I could outsmart him if I successfully made him believe that we were on this together. Kung hindi ako papalpak, I’ll finally turn him in. Ayoko siyang mamatay. Yes, I have the thirst to kill him, but I don’t want to end his misery right then. Gusto kong magdusa siya. Gusto kong maramdaman niya kung paano mamuhay sa hukay kahit buhay ka pa.

When the party was conducted again, this time, Ayeselle was already part of the surveillance. Mariin ang pikit ko habang nasa loob ng hotel room. I went to the balcony to drink, at least, but I was too bothered that I needed to smoke.

“She outsmarted three of your men. Paakyat na ulit siya,” balita sa akin ni Liam habang minomonitor iyon sa security system sa loob ng van. “I’ll give her the elevator,” aniya na kinokontrol ang elevator para sinisiguradong hindi siya naaabutan lagi.

“Magaling siya lumaban. Malaanghel ang mukha at maamo pero delikado ang kilos,” si Elayne.

I heard Serra’s chuckle until a red dot pointed at my chest. I traced it and saw her hiding somewhere.

“Ferrarin kasi. ‘Yan lang ang kahinaan ni Wallace Serrano,” aniya.

I scoffed. “He doesn’t have a weakness.”

“Ah? Iba pala si special agent Alcaraz at Wallace Serrano?”

“Focus on your own visual and stop teasing me, Serra,” sabi ko lalo na’t baka malingat siya at may nakapatay na kay Ayeselle!

“Hmm… Should I shoot? The man bangs her on the wall. But my hand is quite shaky. Baka dumulas at…ang babae mo ang mabaril ko?” si Serra na talagang nanghahamon.

“Tell me the details, Liam, or I’ll fucking go out,” halos gusto ko nang takbuhin ang pinto ngunit kung lalabas ako roon, alam kong malaking gulo iyon.

“She escaped, Trison. She’s going up to the eighth floor. She’s coming…” si Liam.

I stood and tried to calm myself. I haven’t seen her this close in a while. Ang huli kong tingin sa kanya ay iyong sa France. When she…slipped into the sports car of that Hollywood actor named Vance. Binutasan ko pa ang gulong no’n bago ako umalis. Baka lang naman dalhin siya sa kung saan saan. I’m just worried.

When she showed up with a gun, the pain in her eyes hurt me for a while. Ramdam ko ang pananalig niya na mali ang iniisip niya sa akin. But I cannot tell her the truth. Not that she is now part of this. One wrong move, and I will put her more in danger.

She was doing her best to outsmart me. The Ferrarins have a unique mind when it comes to dangers. Para bang bata pa sila, pinalaki na silang lusutan ang kahit anong gulo. It was perhaps the reason why Ashtraia would always get away from her trouble in the past. The Donya trained them as hustlers to protect themselves.

“Go into the comfort room, Elayne,” senyas ko.

Elayne went out of the van. Sinundan ko ang kilos niya. She’s in her cover as a stranger who seems to be a woman who only wants to see herself in the mirror.

Lumabas ako ng kotse para sundan si Ayeselle. Lumabas agad siya at sinubukang kumilos nang hindi nahuhuling may kakaibang ginagawa.

“She logged into her account and left a message for her cousin Arkaine,” rinig ko sa communication device ang tinig ni Elayne.

I wanted to laugh. See? I know this girl will always find a way to win against me. She was actually the perfect one; they got to outsmart me. Lalo na’t noon pa, gustong gusto nitong nasa ibabaw ko. Ibang ibabaw nga lang ang naiisip ko… I chuckled to myself that I even have this time to joke around in this situation, huh.

It wasn’t the first time she did it. Lalo na’t noong bumaba rin siya sa seven-eleven, alam kong maiisipan niyang muli na magbigay ng clue roon.

“Positive. She gave me the location where you two are heading and to call the police,” ang isa sa undercover police na nagpanggap bilang cashier.

Sumusugat na ang ngiti sa labi ko. You’re doing good. I am so proud of you.

When the operation takes place on the shore, Serra shoots me successfully based on the plan, and I stumble while seeing Russel’s shock face. It was that moment where he gets captured because he got distracted from me.

Naalala ko bigla ang usapan namin ni Papa.

“You’re close with Ruiz’s son,” he pointed out when, out of the group, I only interact with Russel like we were friends. Because we really are.

“You know why his father got jailed?”

Tiningnan ko siya sa naninimbang na mga mata.

“I turned him in. Sell him out. He doesn’t know that all this time, I was that undercover who busted him.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko. He…betrayed him.

“Don’t get too close, Trison. They’re on the wrong side. You are on the right side. You can’t save him and fail the lives of people that were more worthy once he’s jailed.”

I know that I am on the right side. But after the defeaning cry of Diana after two consecutive shots, I couldn’t answer it again. Am I really on the right side? If we are fighting to protect the lives of others, then why did they shoot him after being captured?

“Lay down, Agent Alcaraz. You will blow your cover up. Acknowledge, do you hear me?” the other agent was communicating to me on the device.

I couldn’t acknowledge it. Nanginginig ako. He was fucking shot! The plan was absolute: they wouldn’t kill him! Alagad ako ng batas at alam ko na mali ang nangyari! Trigger discipline is very important! Alam iyon ng mga nasa military dahil isa iyon sa itinuturo na huwag basta bastang kalabit lang ng baril! You must discipline yourself!

But this…is not part! This is murder! He didn’t pose an imminent danger or hold anyone as his captive! My team has already unarmed him!

“Who…fucking…shoot,” I whispered.

“Acknowledge, Agent Alcaraz—”

“Who fucking shoot?” tanong ko sa matigas na tinig.

There was a dead silence in the connection while I heard Ayeselle’s cry mingle with Diana. I gritted my jaw. Whatever was holding me back from pulling myself up was probably because I wanted to carry out this mission successfully, as I don’t want to risk more innocent lives if I blow my cover up and don’t follow the rules.

Ngunit bakit?! Bakit hindi nila sinunod nang maayos ang plano?!

“Stay still, Trison. If you stand up right now, I’ll shoot your head. Don’t test my temper,” banta ni Serra nang maramdaman niya ang galit at kagustuhan kong bumangon.

As soon as all of our group were now busted, Ayeselle lost her consciousness, including Diana, who was now carried to the vehicles. I pulled myself up and glared at the group where I heard the shooting.

Arkaine looked at Russel’s body with no amount of emotion, as it was now carried by our team.

I followed it using my eyes. Tinapik ni Drystan ang balikat ko. I was beyond livid that I punched him straight in the face.

Napaatras si Drystan sa sobrang gulat at dumugo pa ang labi. Kinasa ni Arkaine ang hawak na malaking baril at itinutok sa akin.

“On the floor, Alcaraz,” she ordered while her long hair swayed as the coldness in her eyes told me that she wasn’t kidding.

“The plan was absolute! Hindi dapat kayo—”

Arkaine used the tip of the gun and hit it against my face, which made me shut up as I kneeled down and groaned while holding my nose. Dumugo ang labi ko sa sobrang lakas noon at naubo ngunit sapat na iyon para makalma ako at matauhan. Nanghina ako at napayukong ibinaon ang mukha ko sa mga kamay ko. I cannot hold my horses, and she did it for me. This isn’t the right place to lash out.

“Sinong nagpaputok?” I heard Drystan’s aggresive tone when we were already in the headquarters to tackle what happened while I was being treated.

They were discussing it thoroughly. There will be no justice here. Wala namang ilalabas sa publiko na nagkamali sa misyon at may napatay. It would always turn out successful without revealing the loss of the lives of those innocents or those lives that were killed brutally just to make the mission successful.

Hindi rin nila mailulusot lalo na’t ang mga balang tumama kay Russel ay nanggaling mismo sa firearms na ginawa ni Draven para lamang sa military. Wala silang maituturong iba dahil may lisensya ang mga ginamit na baril.

This is the dark side of our world. Some weren’t too educated about trigger discipline, as they would clumsily shoot as long as the main goal was accomplished.

But was it really successful if, out of those good things that were accomplished, the sea of blood was reeking beneath it?

“Hindi siya nagsasalita. Mukhang nasa state of traumatic shock siya. Her parents were asking for…” Napatingin ang agent sa akin.

The President sighed. They won’t let me go to blow up my cover.

“I’m going in,” pinal kong sabi.

“Trison,” tawag ni Colonel Chavez.

“The mission is done. My contract is done. I’m going in—”

“Agent Alcaraz, please sit down for a moment—”

“I am not risking another life in this mission to call this successful, Miss President. I will not sacrifice her here,” putol ko at inilapag ang aking sariling baril sa kanyang mesa. “My mission is done. She is now my priority.”

Natutop ang bibig niya. I know it was disrespectful to talk back to a high-ranking position—no, to the President itself—but I can’t just let this slip.

Humarang ang dalawang pulis sa harap. Deritso ang lakad ko sa pinto. Kung pipigilan nila ako, hindi ako magdadalawang isip na manlaban kahit pa pwersahan nila ako ngayong ikulong para lang hindi ko ako makalapit sa kanya.

“Let him,” ang boses ng presidente na nagpakalma sa dalawang pulis at unti-unting umalis sa pinto.

“Just to remind you, Agent Alcaraz, you are the best asset I have. I don’t want to lose people like you.”

I clenched my jaw. Binuksan ko ang pinto at desidido siyang puntahan.

My death might trigger her. I cannot give her that kind of trauma. I’d rather blow up my cover just to ease her mind. Sa dami ng nakita niya, alam kong kaonti nalang ang pinangkakapitan niya.

Sa kanya ako kumapit noong nasa bingit na ako ng kamatayan, at gusto ko, ngayong kailangan niya ng makakapitan, ako ang hahawak ng mahigpit sa kanya.

When the military told me that Colonel Chavez had escaped, I already told Serra to guard Ayeselle in Caraga since she’s the best in my team, while I needed to handle the Colonel’s arrest in Manila.

“Confirmed. He visited her. I have their visual. The assault team is already on standby,” she reported while I’m driving fast just to get on time.

I heard the glass shattered as the assault team made their aggressive entrance on the glass windows and broke into the room where Ayeselle was.

“Living room, clear!” the assault team.

“Bath room, clear!”

“All clear! The target escaped! Check the alleys,” they reported.

“Serra,” I called with a hopeful voice.

“I got her. She’s unconscious.”

Mabilis ang pagtakbo ko patungo sa room at naabutan sila na inilalabas siya para isugod agad sa ospital. Tumingin si Serra sa akin habang nasa ambulance kami at mahigpit kong hinawakan ang kamay ni Ayeselle na ngayon ay nilalapatan agad ng oxygen habang wala pa ring malay.

They say that when you were battling with life-or-death situation, your happy memories would flash before your eyes while everything blurred.

But to me, it was empty. It was pitch black. I couldn’t think of anything as I battled with her to survive while she was unconscious. That if she died right there and then I’ll die with her too. If she didn’t make it alive, I wouldn’t either.

Pakiramdam ko, kasama niya na ako sa hukay sa oras na ‘yon. If heaven took her life, I would go as well. My life ends once I lose her. There will be no light in this darkness anymore. There will be no string I can grasp anymore.

“Liam,” I called and pressed the front of my car. “Give me his location.”

When I saw the map flashing through the dashboard, I drove fast and followed the red dot.

I promise myself that I’ll fight for justice for my mother. I’ll serve it. I will end the cycle of the Colonel who blindly used his power against the weak and made my mother believe that she could always lean on people like them.

And Ayeselle did the same to him. She trusted him! Ginamit niya ang posisyon niya para bulagin ang mga nakapaligid sa kanya na ligtas sila dahil alagad ng batas ang mismong kasama nila! But the Colonel used that as his own weapon against them.

Isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat. Sunod sunod ang pagpapaputok ko habang gumagalaw ang panga ko sa galit nang maabutan ko siya. I wasn’t content with only one bullet to bury in his body after what he had done to my mother, to Russel, and to Ayeselle!

He looked at me with open eyes as he lost his balance and bathed in his own blood. The things he taught to me about shooting the target, I used it against him with no remorse.

“Miss me?”

Napatalon ang balikat niya sa gulat at nabitiwan ang hawak na kinakain niyang yogurt. I immediately caught it while she glared at me.

I showed the flowers to her. Napunta ang titig niya roon at medyo na-distract.

“Alam mo, pwede na akong magtayo ng flower shop sa araw araw mong pa bulaklak.”

Noong pinagtrabahuan ko nang maigi mabili lamang ang bulaklak para sa kanya, doon ko napagtanto na kung liligawan ko man siya, kailangan kong maghirap at ipakitang karapat dapat ako.

And when I saw her smelling my flower when I walked past her room to make sure she took it, I couldn’t help but smile about it.

Halos mapasipol sipol ako sa tuwa. Parang ang sarap magpaalipin kay Drystan sa car shop nang makabili ng bulaklak araw araw at makita ko lang ang ngiti niya.

She didn’t know I built her a garden when she asked for a flower.

Ang pagbubungkal ko ng lupa noon sa likod ng bahay namin dahil wala pa akong pambili ng bulaklak sa kanya.

“Tumubo kayo at magpakarami. Huwag niyo akong pahiyain. Ferrarin pa naman at maarte.” I even heard myself conversing with the seeds I planted on that day.

At ang iniipon kong mga barya na para sana sa tokneneng ko tuwing uwian noong high school, ay itinabi ko para sana sa mga date namin.

That’s why I told myself, I will buy everything for her once I’m successful. And I’ll build her a house, not just a garden.

“At bakit ba hindi ka nag-iingay pag pumapasok ka dito sa bahay natin?” Sumimangot siya nang maalala niyang nagulat ko siya.

Natatawa ko siyang hinila sa akin. Magugulatin ang asawa kong buntis.

“What? I’m kind of curious what you were doing?”

She leered at me. Ngumuso ako at pinunasan ang yogurt na napunta sa gilid ng kanyang labi dahil sa gulat niya saka ko iyon tinikman.

“Paano kung may ginagawa ako? Paano kung…” With the flushing of her cheeks, I know what’s on her mind.

“Then I’ll watch more? Or much better, I’ll help?”

Mabilis niya akong inatake ng sunod sunod na hampas sa isang kamay habang ang isa ay niyayakap ang bulaklak habang sumabog ang tawa niya. Ah… her laughs. It’s making our home more lively because of the sound she makes.

“Ewan ko sa’yo! Mapapaanak ako sa’yo nang hindi oras!” She slapped me with her other hand again, which I caught again while looking at the yogurt curiously because it tastes good.

Yumuko ako at pinatakan ng halik ang malaki niyang tiyan. Ayeselle sighed and looked at me in awe. Tumayo ako ng tuwid at kinuha ang kutsara sa kamay niya.

“Masarap ‘to ah? Is this your new craving? Ayaw mo na sa akin?” biro ko at tinikman ulit iyon habang kumukuha sa hawak niyang yogurt gamit ang hawak na kutsara.

Kuryoso ako noon kung anong klase siyang buntis. I would always imagine it sometimes during those times I’d space out while daydreaming in the middle of my life and death work. Ganoon lagi ang laman ng isip ko minsan.

There were some times that I would smile while the danger was chasing after me. Baka pag namatay ako noong araw na ‘yon, nakangiti pa rin siguro ako dahil sa mga pinag-iimbento ko sa isip ko.

And to experience it now, I could really tell that my daydreams were nothing compared to this. She was kind of aggressive. She would easily throw tantrums, and sometimes I’d join her, and she would end up laughing with me. Mga maliliit lang minsan na bagay ang iniiyakan niya, kaya makikiiyak din ako kahit walang luha, at magagalit na siya bigla, o di kaya ay matatawa.

When she woke up that day, I immediately proposed. I don’t care if I was rushing to marry her. But on bended knees, I proposed while her parents were watching. And when she cried and nodded, I knew that no one would ever take that happiness from her. And even from me.

“Nagdilang anghel yata si Lola,” aniya habang dala ko ang basket at nakakapit siya sa braso ko para sa nakasanayan naming picnic sa sarili naming garden.

“Ano bang sabi?”

“Na…ako daw ang susunod na mabubuntis pagkatapos ni Ashtraia.”

“Sana sinagot mo na gusto nating humabol para makita niya nang maaga ang susunod na sakit sa ulo na Ferrarin?”

She laughed and slapped my arm again.

“Mas gusto ko mana siya sa akin! Ayoko sa’yo. Baka gayahin ka.”

“But what if our baby is both? Like a model and an agent?”

Napawi ang ngiti niya at tila ba may naalala.

“Babae rin ang anak niya,” bigla niyang sabi habang nilalapag ko na ang puting tela at inalalayan siyang maupo doon. “Si Daciana,” she sighed.

Her friendship with Diana has been tainted because of the operation when Russel got shot. I tried to keep her in Europe as a promise to Russel that I would look after her and their child. Ngunit nararamdaman ko ang galit ni Diana na kahit si Ayeselle, ayaw niya nang makausap pa. She completely cut her off.

“Kung nalaman niya…na…agent ka…mas lalo siyang magagalit. Baka…baka sisihin ka rin niya.” She smiled weakly upon her realization.

I accept Diana’s wrath. It was an uncontrollable circumstance. Dahil kung mapipigilan ko lang noong oras na ‘yon, gagawin ko.

Humalik ang makulay na paglubog ng araw sa hardin kung nasaan kami. She rested her back against my chest as she read the book.

“I have a secret…” bulong ko.

Tiningala niya ako, kuryoso. Nangingiti ko siyang tiningnan at binuklat ang likod ng libro. The A. A. of someone’s penmanship showed at the bottom.

“I’m that fan who’s sending books to you… A. A. means Ayeselle Alcaraz…”

Her jaw dropped, and she also dropped the book.

“Ano?!”

I shut my eyes and pressed my face against her neck. Doon ako marahang tumawa at niyakap siya lalo.

“Ano?! ‘Yung mga librong natatanggap ko sa iba’t ibang bansa?!”

“Yup…”

Natahimik siya at tila ba prinoseso ang sinabi ko.

“Naisip mo bang tumalikod sa…misyon mo at subukan akong balikan?” she whispered.

I sighed heavily and put my hands on her swollen belly. “You were the reason why I was inspired to move forward. That…day at the parking lot… I promise that if I’ll make it alive, I’ll come home to you.”

Isinandal niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko. I looked at her. She pulled my nape for a gentle kiss as I kissed her wholeheartedly.

“Thank you for being my source of light, Ayeselle…”

The flowers in the garden swayed slowly when the breeze whispered the truth of my undying love for her as the sunset kissed her. And in that moment, I knew that my hope would never dim, no matter how dark the world turned, as long as I had her.