Prologue

This story is a work of fiction. All characters, names, places, events, and incidents portrayed in this book are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, institutions, events, or locales is purely coincidental.

This novel may contain themes involving gender identity, discrimination, emotional conflict, and romantic relationships. It is written with the intention of telling a heartfelt story about love, self-discovery, acceptance, and personal growth.

This story features a transgender woman and a straight man in a slow-burn romance. The experiences and perspectives presented are fictional and created for storytelling purposes.

Reader discretion is advised for discussions of prejudice, family conflict, and emotional struggles. Thank you for giving these characters a chance to tell their story. May their journey remind you that love sees beyond labels, and that everyone deserves to be loved for who they truly are.

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“How do I look?” Maarte kong tanong kay Candace, with matching bat ng lashes para extra drama. Friend ko siya since 8th grade sa Robert Louis Stevenson Middle School, so alam niya na ang ugali ko.

Naka-skimp kami pareho ng dresses na parang one wrong move, tapos na ang show. Mukha kaming high-maintenance sugar babies, pero hindi kami ganun. Kami ang mayaman, as in rich rich. Hindi namin kailangan ng sugar daddy. In fact, sila ang may kailangan sa amin.

Honestly, lahat ng gusto ko? Nakukuha ko agad-agad. It’s like Ariana Grande’s song: I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it.

“Ay grabe, you look so fucking gorgeous, Barg!” Tugon ni Candace, todo-exaggerate pa. Pero hindi niya ako tinitingnan! Busy siya sa pag-retouch ng lipstick niya, parang walang bukas.

I checked my reflection sa compact powder ko, making sure every detail is perfect, while I ask Candace how I look. Nasa loob kami ng limo niya, nakapark sa harap ng mansion kung saan kami invited. Ang daming tao sa loob, halatang sosyal ang crowd.

It’s a Birthday party, pero for me, it’s just another night. Ganito talaga ang lifestyle ko growing up! Luxurious and elegant, laging grand, laging may spotlight.

I kept my makeup simple but seductive. Hindi ko na kinapalan. I don’t need to. I’m already gorgeous. I’m wearing this beige satin dress na talagang naka-hug sa petite body ko, showing off every curve. And guess what? It’s Chanel. Ang haba? Hindi umaabot sa tuhod, just the way I like it.

Napansin ko ’yung ibang mga guest na babae na papasok sa mansion, wearing long, glittering dresses, halos parang mga contestants sa beauty pageant. Pero ako? I’d rather stand out than blend in. Better to be unique than the best, ika nga. And let me remind them, I’m wearing the most expensive fabric in the room. Chanel, people! Chanel!

I can already picture the stares, the whispers, the envy.

I rolled my eyes with poise, knowing fully well na kahit ano pang gawin ko, I’ll always catch the eyes of the paparazzi and guests lurking around this huge mansion. Kahit mag-effort pa akong i-hide ang mukha ko, alam kong hindi talaga mangyayari ’yun, hindi ko naman talaga sinasadyang magtago.

Honestly speaking? I let them look. Hinayaan ko na silang mabless ng beauty at presence ko. They’re lucky to be in my orbit, even if just for tonight.

I lifted my right hand and stared at my long, stiletto nails, squinting as I admired each one. I smirked, satisfied. Kanina pa ako nakaupo sa salon para magpa-manicure at magpa-nails, and it was worth every minute.

These nails? Sharp enough to cut. Kaya kong mang-sugat kung sakaling kailanganin, hindi ko naman ’yun gawain, but I could if someone tried to mess with me.

Ayaw ko lang talaga na hinahawakan ako nang basta-basta. People better know their place, or they’ll get a taste of my claws.

A lot of people close to me say I’m an angel. They all see this sweet, good girl na walang masamang tinapay. So, of course, I play the part. They want me to be the good girl? Then that’s exactly what they’ll get.

I let my long, coffee brown hair cascade down my waist, its ends slightly curled. I ran my fingers through my soft locks, carefully brushing through every strand. Perfect. Everything about me has to be on point, from head to toe.

I checked the time on my Bulgari Serpenti watch, the luxurious piece wrapping around my delicate, smooth wrist. With a subtle flick of my wrist, I sprayed my KILIAN Paris: Love, Don’t Be Shy perfume on my neck and wrist.

This is my all-time favorite fragrance. It’s the perfect blend of sweetness and allure, like luscious marshmallows and the warm richness of honey.

Just like the description says: Juicy honeysuckle and plush rose are softly caressed by the sweetness of luscious marshmallow sugar accord, satisfying the craving pang of new love.

A warm amber base lends a touch of sensuality. It’s exactly how I want to leave an impression: sweet yet irresistible.

I didn’t come here just to show off my expensive self. It’s my crush’s birthday today, the football player I’ve been eyeing for months! I have to be glamorous, stunning enough to catch his attention. This isn’t just about looking good for everyone else, it’s about making him notice me.

So… every little detail counts. From the dress to the perfume, down to the way I move. I’m going to make sure he can’t take his eyes off me tonight.

I enveloped my arms around Toby’s neck, pulling him closer as I deepened our hot kiss. His hands rested firmly on both sides of my small waist, gripping me as he moved his head from side to side, attacking my lips with wet yet passionate kisses. The world around us disappeared, and all that mattered was the heat between us.

See how I got him? Wala akong ginawa, kusa na lang siyang lumapit sa akin, hinila akong bigla habang nakikisaya ako sa mga bisita. Hindi ko na kailangan pang habulin siya. Siya na mismo yung hindi makatiis. I mean, sino ba naman ang hindi? Tignan mo naman ako.

It sent a different sensation through my system. I ran my long nails through his hair, feeling the way his body reacted as I traced my fingers along his nape. I could feel his goosebumps rise under my touch, and it made the moment even more electrifying.

We were both catching our breaths after the kiss. Inilayo niya ang mukha niya, pero madilim ang mga matang tinitingnan ako. He licked his lower red lip, moistening his chapped lips, his gaze still intense as if he couldn’t get enough of me. The air between us was charged with something unspoken, something we both knew was far from over.

“Hmm? Why did you take me here?” I asked sensually, my voice low as I teased him with my gaze. In response, he planted a quick kiss on my already swollen lips, and I couldn’t help but smile inwardly. I may be a virgin, but he’s not my first kiss.

I’ve kissed the boys I like before, and I know where to draw the line when it comes to flirting. Would it hurt to make out with the boy you like? No. Your body, your rules. And for now, I’m not ready for anything more than this.

Once I started HRT, it didn’t take long for my female puberty to kick in. My body began to change in ways I’d always dreamed of. Little tender buds, so sensitive at first, gradually grew into my long-awaited breasts. My hips started to widen, and my waist became more defined, finally matching the image I’d always had in my mind. It was a transformation I’d been waiting for, and every change felt more like me.

What did I feel like? Honestly, I just felt like me, the me I had always wanted to be. The woman I always was. I never saw myself as a boy, not even then. Now, I look completely like the woman I always knew I was inside. I grew my hair long, letting it cascade down to my waist, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have grown up in Hawaii, where I could embrace myself fully.

I wear women’s clothes now, and they fit me better than any men’s clothes ever did. I’m better off being my true self, and I’m slaying every single day. I feel more confident, more alive since I wore my first skirt and crop top years ago. And now? There’s no going back. The boy clothes are a thing of the past, they were never for me. My life has changed for the better in so many ways, and I’m finally, truly myself.

Socially, I’ve spent more than half of my life as a female, and I fit in completely. People see me as a woman, and that’s exactly how it should be. I’m not confused, and I’m definitely not a sin. I’m an iconic badass girl, and I own every part of myself. No apologies, no explanations, just confidence and strength in being who I am.

The long wait for my genital reassignment surgery is almost over, it’s scheduled for next month. The procedure will be done by a skilled team, including gynecologists, urologists, pelvic pain specialists, and a reconstructive plastic surgeon.

I’m beyond eager to finally complete this journey and fully align my body with the woman I’ve always known myself to be. This step feels like the ultimate affirmation of who I am, and I’m ready for the transformation that’s coming.

In terms of my physical transition, I have no plans for any further surgery after my GRS. I’ve completed my transition, and I’m fully satisfied with how I am now. I didn’t want my breasts done through surgery, honestly, they’re iconic the way they are: small and hot. No need for anything more. I’m perfect as I am.

“Fuck, Barg. Wanna go to my room? Let me fuck you.” He cursed under his breath when I pressed my growing tits to his chiselled ones. I smirked in satisfaction when I saw him gulping hard, having a hard time. His eyes drifted down on to my forming cleavage. I started hormone therapy replacement back in 9th grade.

“Nah uh, not until my—”

I was cut off when someone harshly yanked Toby away from me, landing a punch right in his handsome face, making me scream like a whistle. Oh my fucking gosh! And to my horror, I saw my older brother, his face twisted with rage. His infuriated gaze locked onto mine, and I staggered back, tripping in shock. I grunted in pain, blood draining from my face as I gasped for air. His eyes, ominous and dark, cut through me like daggers.

Hindi ako agad naka-kilos nang mabilis niyang nilapitan at padarag na hinaklit ang aking kanang braso, kaya halos matapilok ulit ako dahil sa heels na suot ko. Ang sakit, pero mas lalo akong kinabahan nang makita ko ang galit sa mata niya. Wala akong magawa kundi ang sundin siya habang kinakalabit ko ang sarili kong puso na parang gusto nang tumalon sa kaba.

The shame I felt when I could practically feel the eyes of the huge crowd boring into me, their gazes piercing through my bones, while my ridiculous-ass brother dragged me toward what felt like an abyss of nightmare. The longer it went on, the more my arm throbbed with pain from the tight grip he had on me. As we passed by, I caught a glimpse of Kuya Beau’s friend, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut tightly. He must’ve been the one who called my brother!

“Kuya Beau! Let go of my arm! What the fuck?!” Mahinang bulyaw ko sa kapatid ko na basta nalang akong hinigit papalabas ng Mansion. I was not done making out with Toby! We were just starting when all of a sudden my brother pulled my arm out of the fucking blue!

“That’s it, brat! I’m telling Dad everything you’ve been doing here in Hawaii! I’ve had enough of fetching you every time you sneak out of the house!” He yelled angrily. I was taken aback, staring at my brother’s red face. He was that angry. His words hit me like a slap, and I could feel the tension in the air. I never thought he’d take it this far.

Whatever…

Nang umuwi kami sa bahay, doon na nga nag-himagsik ng delubyo ang kapatid ko, kaya pati sina Ate Athena ay naki-sali na. My mother was so furious, she had enough of me attending parties without their knowledge. Eh,hindi naman nila ako papayagan kung magpapaalam ako? So it’s better for me to sneak out of the house! I mean, it’s not like I’m doing anything wrong, right? They’re just overreacting as usual.

Umirap ako bago tumayo sa couch at akmang lilisan na sa living room dahil panay na ang talak nila Mommy at ng mga Ate ko sa akin. Prenteng naka-sandal lang si Kuya Beau sa dingding habang naka-halukipkip, parang wala lang. Hindi ko na kayang makinig sa kanila, kaya tumalikod na lang ako, pero ramdam ko pa rin ang mga mata nila sa likod ko.

Natigilan kang ako nang marinig ko ang sinabi ni Mommy kaya hinarap ko siya, namimilog ang mga mata.

“I have no choice but to send you back to the Philippines—” I immediately cut her off.

“You can’t just do that, Mommy! I already chose my college with my friend—”

Ate Athena cut me off. “Bargie, you’ve gone too far! You’re not the Bargie that people—”

“Because you guys don’t ever listen to me! You all see me as that Bargie—”

I gasped loudly when I felt my mother’s palm on my cheek. I let out a shaky breath and faced her, now in tears. Her breathing was rapid, and I could barely feel my skin when she slapped me again, her eyes sharp with pain.

“M-Mommy…” My voice cracked. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang hapdi sa mga pisngi ko.

“I spoiled you too much, we spoiled you too much that you’re turning into a monster—” I shoved her away and ran straight to my room, wailing.

“Mom!” I heard Ate Alice’s shriek of worry even before I made it inside. Padabog kong hinubad ang heels ko at kung saan ko nalang iyon binato bago ako tumungo sa banyo ko para maglinis ng katawan. I couldn’t stop shaking, and the tears kept coming.

One week had passed and none of my family dared to talk to me. Pina-plastik lang nila ako tuwing tumatawag si Daddy. My mother locked my credit cards, making me feel so frustrated because I needed to order Ariana Grande’s newly released perfume. Like, seriously? I’ve been wanting that perfume for ages! And now, they were punishing me for everything. It was just so unfair. I didn’t care about their petty drama anymore, I was focused on what I wanted.

“After your surgery, you’ll be sent back home. Doon ka kay Dad, I will tell him to watch over you but I will not tell him the reason why…” Mom said coldly before she stood up from her seat elegantly.

I landed my weary eyes on her. “Do I really have to go back home, Mom—”

“Sumusobra ka na, Bargie. Just because you are growing up extravagantly here in Hawaii doesn’t mean that you’re going to be—”

My brows twitched. I gasped, irritated. “What do you mean—”

“You think I wouldn’t know? How you bully people who aren’t rich like us? What would your Dad feel when he learned all of this? We weren’t rich back then, Bargie. Kaya niyo nararanasan ang mga luho niyo ngayon ay dahil sa amin ng Daddy mo. But you have gone too far, patanda ka nang patanda ay—”

Hinampas ko ang aking mga kamay sa lamesa at tumayo habang mabilis ang aking pag-hinga.

“Then why the hell are you giving me all the things I wanted to begin with, Mom?! I don’t get it. Bakit kailangan ni Daddy na malayo sa atin? Our life should be here in Hawaii! Not in the Philippines for Pete’s sake!” I said hysterically and tucked my hair behind my ear. A tear escaped my right eye.

“And I need to order Ariana Grande’s new released perfume, Mommy!” I fanned my eyes dramatically. I couldn’t stop the tears coming out of my tear ducts.

Mommy heaved a deep sigh and gave me a tired look as she observed me doing my drama. It’s not effective on her anymore. Gosh! Bakit ngayon pa siya naniwala sa mga binully ko noon? The way she stood up for me years ago felt like she believed in me.

“That’s exactly what I want you to learn, anak… from now on, limited nalang ang pag-gamit mo sa credit cards, all of your—”

Huh?! No fucking way!

“You can’t do this to me, Mommy! I am already old enough to—”

“Yet, you became a beast. Huwag mong hintayin na dumating ang araw na pagsisisihan mo ang kasamaan na ginagawa mo sa kapwa mo—” Hinampas ko ulit ang lamesa kaya kumalabog iyon. My palms vibrated from the immense ache because of the impact. How dare she tell me these things? I am above and better! She should be proud of me that I am not just a low-class person, but a luxuriously thriving and growing woman.

“This discussion is meaningless! I am telling Daddy—”

“Even if you tell Dad, he won’t let you go away with your wrong doings, Barg. Don’t wait for us to tell him everything.” Sabat ni Kuya Beau sa nambabantang tono kaya uminit ang dugo ko. This is his fault! He’s a tattletale! A fucking snitch! I hate him so bad! I hate my siblings! Wala talaga akong kakampe sa pamilyang ito. Bwiset.

Just like last night, I walked out on them with poise and pure elegance. I slayed the act because I heard my mother gasping, making Kuya Beau attend to her and check on her.

“You brat!” Iritadong sigaw ni Kuya Beau sa akin kaya ipinaikot ko ang mga mata ko, bago ako padabog na tumungo sa kuwarto ko.

I woke up groggily after the surgery, my entire body feeling heavy and sluggish. The faint beeping of the monitors filled the room, and as my vision cleared, I saw Ate Athena sitting beside me with a soft, warm smile.

“Finally awake, brat,” She teased gently, her voice laced with relief.

I rolled my eyes at her, not in the mood for any sentimentality. My body was still adjusting, and all I could think about was one thing. Slowly, I shifted my gaze down, and my breath hitched as my eyes landed on it, my vagina.

Hell yes…

This was it. The long-awaited moment I had dreamed of, fought for, and endured countless challenges to achieve.

“Stop looking at it like it’s a trophy,” Ate Athena chuckled, her voice light.

I smirked. “It is a trophy,” I said weakly, my voice hoarse but full of pride. “You have no idea what this means to me.”

Her expression softened even more as she reached out to squeeze my hand. “I know, Bargie. And I’m proud of you. Just… take it easy, okay? Recovery first before slaying again.”

I leaned back against the pillows, my lips curling into a tired yet triumphant smile. My body ached, and I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, but none of it mattered.

Parang walang nawala sa akin habang pinakikiramdaman ko ang sarili ko. The sensation was strange yet comforting, I felt whole. Numb pa rin ako mula sa epekto ng anesthesia, pero alam kong totoo na ang lahat ng ito.

I couldn’t help but smirk to myself, overwhelmed by a rush of pride and satisfaction. I can now be intimate with a man the way I should be. Wala nang boundaries, wala nang alinlangan.

“I have a vagina now,” I whispered under my breath, the words feeling surreal yet empowering. It was a declaration of triumph, of finally becoming the woman I had always been meant to be.

I might have undergone a physical transformation, but deep down, I was still the same unstoppable me. Now, more than ever, I was ready to slay the world on my terms.

My lips automatically pouted as I stared at the picture my annoying sister took of it. My pussy. Swollen and, honestly, looking far from glamorous. I grimaced at the sight, a tinge of disappointment creeping in. Gosh.

I let out a frustrated sigh, leaning my head back on the pillow. My mind wandered to that day I sat in the examination room with my chosen GRS doctor. He was listing all the possible risks that came with the surgery, complications, healing issues, sensitivity concerns. Blah, blah, blah. As he spoke, I was happily daydreaming about finally having it. My dream. My womanhood.

I remember willfully nodding my head, pretending to listen but completely tuning him out. I mean, hello? Who even focuses on the risks when you’re about to take the most important step of your life?

“Regret it now?” Athena teased, snapping me back to reality. She had that smug look on her face, clearly enjoying my reaction.

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. “Of course not,” I said with a dramatic flip of my hair, even though I couldn’t move much. “It’s a masterpiece in progress. Wait ’til it heals, then everyone will be jealous. Including you.”

She scoffed but laughed, shaking her head. “Typical Bargie.” Typical Bargie? Whatever.

I spent a total of seven weeks in the hospital, adjusting to my new life and body. The first two weeks were all about rest and recovery. I was confined to bed most of the time, which drove me a little crazy, but I knew it was necessary.

My doctor would visit me regularly to check on my progress, asking how I was feeling and whether I had any discomfort or concerns. I have to admit, every time he walked into the room, I couldn’t help but notice how ridiculously handsome he was, like, straight out of a medical drama or something.

But alas, life is unfair. He’s gay. Of course. A waste of a perfectly dreamy man, but also, go him, I guess. At least he was sweet and professional, even if I occasionally caught myself wishing he’d flirt just a little for fun. Not that I could do much about it in my state anyway.

Still, his presence brightened up the long days, and I couldn’t help but look forward to his visits, even if they were purely clinical.

The surgeon had gone over the aftercare process in detail, especially about the intensive care and regular dilation required for my new, fresh, and undeniably cute vagina. Yes, she is adorable, a small, tight-looking little pussycat. I couldn’t help but feel proud, despite knowing I still had a lot of healing ahead.

Recovery time, as my surgeon explained, varies greatly from person to person, so I made it a point to follow all his advice to the letter. He’s been such an incredible support throughout this entire journey.

Honestly, I couldn’t have chosen a better doctor. His reputation is impeccable, his reviews were filled with success stories about his skill in GRS. Many even claimed he was the best in the field, known for creating beautiful, natural results. It felt so reassuring knowing I was in the hands of someone with such expertise and a flawless track record.

Nang tuluyang mawala ang epekto ng anesthesia, saka ko lang naramdaman ang matinding sakit. Parang tumutusok ang bawat galaw ko, kaya halos hindi ko maigalaw ang mga binti ko. Kailangan kong uminom ng antibiotics at pain relievers para maibsan ang kirot at maiwasan ang anumang impeksyon.

Physically, everything feels quite foreign. Wala na ang nakasanayan kong bagay sa pagitan ng aking mga hita, at kapag isinara ko ang mga ito, ramdam ko ang kakaibang pakiramdam ng balat na magkadikit, isang bagay na hindi ko naranasan noon. Pero sa kabuuan, parang walang masyadong nagbago; parang ako pa rin ito, pero mas totoo, mas ako.

Ngunit ang clitoris ko? Napaka-sensitibo! Mas sensitibo pa kaysa sa kung ano ang naramdaman ko noon. I’d say it’s an entirely new world of sensation, something more intense and alive. Finally, I feel like I am exactly who I was meant to be from the very beginning.

A female. A girl. A woman. My life finally feels complete after correcting the genital glitch. That part of my body, the one that caused me so much body dysphoria, is no longer there. It’s gone, and so is the burden it brought.

Now, every time I look at myself, I see the woman I’ve always been. My reflection no longer feels like a stranger, it feels like home. My life has become brighter, and freer.

Ibinukaka ko ang aking legs sa harapan nang salamin at kinagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi. I started rubbing my bud and moaned softly. I have become a slutty horny girl after three months. It felt so good playing with my vagina whether my hand or my dildo. For me to feel an orgasm made my surgeon so happy, it was a success. He slayed!

Can you believe I’m just eighteen? Eighteen, and I’ve already done what most transgender people could only dream of. My surgery. God, it felt like freedom. I look at myself now, and I finally feel like the woman I always was on the inside. The body that matched my soul. No more of that body dysphoria, no more pretending to fit into a life that wasn’t mine. I’m the girl I was always meant to be, and honestly, I’m slaying.

The change is real. I’ve got my body, my confidence, my everything. It feels good, it feels right. Even though, deep down, I know not everyone is cheering me on the way I deserve. My family, for all the support they gave me during the surgery, still doesn’t get it. I’m not happy about going back to the Philippines. I mean, why would I go back? I’ve built something here in Hawaii. A life, a future… and it’s mine.

But no, they still want me to finish my studies there. Finish what? Living their version of the perfect little girl who listens to their every rule? I’m done with that. I’m not some obedient little child they can push around. I know who I am now, and I don’t need their approval.

I’ve been through too much to just go back and live out some boring, controlled life. I’m not the same Bargie they think I am. I’m better than that. But I guess they still see me as the brat who needs to be fixed. It’s so frustrating. It’s like they’ll never see me for who I truly am.

I should feel grateful for what they’ve done for me, paying for my surgery, setting me up with all the luxuries I’ve been able to enjoy, but I can’t help but feel resentful. They’ve spoiled me, sure, but they also try to control me. They don’t get that I don’t want to be their perfect little princess. I don’t want to go back. I want to keep living this life that’s mine.

But it’s never enough for them. Never enough. And that’s the part that really stings.

I cried dramatically as I told my friends about it in a video call. I don’t want to go back to the Philippines but I cannot seem to change my family’s mind.

And Daddy was so happy that I’d be with him…

Akala niya ay uuwi ako dahil namimiss ko ang Pilipinas at gusto kong mapag-aralan ang kultura nito. But no! I was forced to go back home. I never intended to go back… home. I don’t like it there! Ang init-init tapos ang daming messy people around the place!

Nakaka-irita!

My mother was the one who packed my luggage. I wouldn’t say mine because it’s for my relatives.

Napasimangot ako sa dami noon, what the fuck? How was I supposed to carry all these heavy luggages? Is she crazy? Is my mother out of her mind? Alam kong magbabayad na ako nito sa dami, but she’s still on a video call with my Aunt, packing more ‘pasalubong’ like it’s no big deal. I’m already struggling with the ones we have, and now she wants to add more?

Tsk. I swear, she never thinks. I should’ve known better than to expect any help. She’s too busy chatting and making sure everyone else gets their share of these damn goodies while I’m left with the grunt work. As usual. And to make matters worse, she’s acting like it’s all normal. Does she even know what it’s like to deal with this? No. She’s never the one stuck with the heavy lifting.

But whatever. I’m not gonna make a scene. I’ll just suck it up, like I always do. It’s not like I don’t have better things to do than cart around these damn bags. The things I do for this family…

I think she wants me to suffer! I think this is a punishment, honestly…

Sa eroplano palang, ramdam ko na ang init ng Pilipinas. As if the weather here wasn’t enough to remind me of how much I don’t belong anymore. Bumaling ako sa bintana, hindi ko na kayang tingnan ang paligid. Ni-hindi pa kami nakakababa, pero gusto ko nang bumalik sa Hawaii.

I grimaced as I caught a glimpse of the ocean of the Philippines. What was the name of it again? I couldn’t even remember. But it didn’t matter, did it? I didn’t belong here. Everything felt foreign. It felt wrong.

I adjusted my oversized black sunglasses, the ones that screamed ‘don’t bother me,’ and took a sip of my wine. The flight attendant had just served it, and as much as I hated the idea of drinking on the plane, I wasn’t about to let this moment pass without some luxury.

This wasn’t free, after all. Why not enjoy the little things when everything else seemed to be out of my control?

“Thank you for flying with us, the Philippine Airlines!”

Thank God for the male attendants at NAIA airport. They were the ones who helped me with my heavy luggage. I swear, I couldn’t have handled it on my own. Kung ako lang, baka mabali na ang mga buto ko sa braso sa bigat ng mga ito. But of course, I made sure to pay them for their services. I’m not the type to take advantage of people, especially when they’re doing something as inconvenient as carrying my bags for me. At least I can make it worth their while.

“Ate Bargie!” My younger cousins jumped to greet me, and I almost stumbled because of their sudden excitement. Halos hampasin ko sila sa sobrang gulat. Ano ba naman ’to, ang mga batang ’to, ang lakas makabigla! Teka lang, hindi pa nga ako naka-adjust sa init ng Pilipinas tapos ang ingay-ingay nila.

Can they just take me home already? I am melting! The sun is burning my precious skin. Sobrang init, fuck! At mas pinapa-init ng weather na ’to ang ulo ko. I could already feel the sweat trickling down my back, and I swear I’m about to lose it. I missed Hawaii so much! When will this torture end?

“Dalagang-dalaga na si Bargie, Kuya.” Naiiyak na sabi ni Auntie Mheydelin, ang kapatid ni Daddy.

I was greeted warmly by my relatives so I hugged them one by one. Of course, I have to act like I am sweet and I am happy to see them once again. Halos mapangiwi ako nang dumikit sa balat ko ang pawis ng isa kong pinsang lalaki, kaya pasimple ko siyang itinulak dahil nandidiri ako sa kaniya. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko! Ew!

Disgusting! Ramdam ko na tuloy ang panlalagkit ko sa sarili ko. I seriously need to take a bath! Right now. I feel so sticky! This heat is killing me, and I can’t even enjoy my day with all this sweat sticking to my skin. Ugh, I’m practically drenched in it.

I hate that feeling. It’s like no matter how much I try to stay fresh, I just can’t. And with all this stuff I have to do today, carrying these bags, dealing with my mom’s punishment, there’s no way I’m going to survive without a proper shower. I can’t even focus properly. My hair’s all limp and gross, and I just feel… ick.

I really need to get to a bathroom ASAP. I can’t stand being this uncomfortable. I need to scrub all this grime off.

“No more hugging! The heat here in the Philippines is far different than Hawaii!” Reklamo ko, kaya nag-tawanan sila. Do I look like I was joking? Seriously, I could already feel my skin starting to stick to my clothes. I just want to get this over with. But of course, they won’t take me seriously. They never do…

Init na init na ako kahit na naka-crop top ako at denim shorts. Kung iniisip nila na nagbibiro ako ngayon, pwes, pabalikin nila ako sa Hawaii!

This is not my home! Argh!

“Welcome home, sweetheart!” Daddy chuckled heartily as he kissed my temple. He hugged me tight. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes behind my sunglasses. Great. Just great. Another welcome-home moment that felt more like a trap. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t miss him a little, but this was the Philippines. Gotta play the part. I could at least pretend for now.

Maarte akong umirap at mabuti nalang ay hindi niya kita dahil naka-sunglasses ako. I hugged him back. I kind of miss him too. I mean, he’s still my dad, right? But this whole situation… it’s just so suffocating.

I’m stuck in this country where nothing makes sense, and I can’t even show how much I truly want to escape back to my real life in Hawaii.

Umuuwi naman siya sa Hawaii, pero mukhang napapatagal ang pag-stay niya rito sa Pilipinas dahil sa negosyo namin. Why can’t he just move it to Hawaii? It’s not like we need to stay here. If we’re so rich, then why not just set everything up in Hawaii? Siguro mas madali kung nandun kami. Mas better pa. I mean, it’s Hawaii. Who wouldn’t want that?

And what? Welcome home? Welcome home, my ass. I hate the Philippines. I hate that I was born here! I’m more fit in Hawaii! My life is there! Not here… in this… hideous country. Everything about this place just makes me feel suffocated, like I’m trapped in a never-ending nightmare. I just want to go back where I belong. Hawaii is where I shine. Not here, with all this… mess.