Chapter 00

Chapter 00

The strobe lights were dancing and they were making me feel dizzy—dagdag mo pa iyong lakas ng tugtog na para bang tambol sa dibdib ko. I also was not a fan of how crowded it was in this place… And the fact that I knew no one here maliban sa best friend ko na may birthday ngayon. She’s a model and I work as a virtual assistant. Hindi ko rin alam minsan kung paano kami naging magkaibigan kasi sobrang magkaiba iyong hilig namin.

I should’ve said no.

I was never a big fan of parties.

I knew I would not enjoy this party, but I already missed Nikki’s birthday last year because of some family emergency and I knew that if I missed her celebration again, magtatampo na talaga siya sa akin. Besides, it’s just one night. I should suck it up.

Napatingin si Nikki sa gawi ko. She motioned for me na lumapit sa kanya, but I just gave her a thumbs up. Magkasama na kasi kami kanina at pinakilala niya ako sa mga kaibigan niya. Alam ko na kapag lumapit ulit ako ay ganoon ang gagawin niya. I appreciated the fact that she wanted to introduce me to people, but I was good here. I’d probably leave after 12 midnight since salubong ’to para sa birthday niya. I just wanted to be here and greet her tapos makakauwi na ako at makakatulog.

“How did you know the birthday girl?”

Napatingin ako sa pinanggalingan nung boses. Napaawang iyong labi ko nang makita ko na may lalaking nakatayo sa tabi ko. He was probably a foot taller than me dahil kinailangan kong tumingala para makita siya. It wasn’t surprising because he’s probably a model like most people in this party—but also different since unlike most people, he’s here talking to me.

“Friend,” I said. Gusto ko pa sanang magsalita, pero hindi ko magawa. I was just staring at this guy in front of me. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa ilaw dito sa club o dahil sa lakas ng tugtog o dahil ba medyo inaantok na ako dahil buong araw ako nagtrabaho, but this guy looked like he just stepped out of a magazine cover.

And maybe he did.

He’s definitely a model.

“So, you’re a model, too?” he asked. Natawa ako. “Why? What’s so funny?” tanong niya. I sensed that he’s French based on his accent. Afterall, he didn’t look Filipino to me.

“Do I look like a model?”

He began to stare at me that it made me feel conscious. Napatingin ako sa mga mata niya. Were his eyes hazel green o dahil lang ba iyong sa ilaw?

“What?” I asked, uncomfortable because of the intensity of his stares.

“Are you fishing for compliments?” he asked. Sumandal siya sa counter ng bar habang nasa akin pa rin ang mga mata. He was holding a bottle of beer on one hand and he used his other hand to run his fingers through his hair.

I was surrounded by a lot of beautiful people tonight, but for some reason, this guy was… making me feel things.

“What?”

“Do you want me to tell you that you’re pretty?” Napaawang ang labi ko. “Because unless you’re blind, you should know that you’re pretty hot. You got mirrors in your place, right?”

Nanatiling nakaawang ang labi ko.

“You got something on your face,” he said, leaning in, and then his thumb was suddenly touching my face. Mabilis na nahigit ko iyong hininga ko dahil sa lapit niya sa akin. He was so close that I was able to smell his perfume and god, he smelled so good.

“There you go,” he said close to my ear nang matanggal niya kung anuman iyong tinanggal niya sa mukha ko. Nakalayo na siya sa akin pero higit-higit ko pa rin iyong hininga ko. He was looking at me and all I could think of was how beautiful was this man and how I should run away from him because he looked like he’ll bring nothing but trouble in my life.

“Are you okay?” he asked nang hindi pa rin ako nagsasalita.

“Y-yeah.”

“You want a sip?” he asked, offering me his bottle of beer.

“You want me to drink your beer?”

Bahagya siyang natawa. Bakit pati pagtawa niya ay gwapo? How was this real? I had met a lot of gorgeous people because of my best friend, but this was the first time that I felt this way. What was with this guy? Lasing ba ako? Pero hindi pa naman ako umiinom maliban sa iced tea na hindi ko pa rin ubos at hawak ko lang para lang may hawak ako.

“No, just a sip. Don’t be greedy.”

I was not a fan of beer.

Never was.

But for some reason, I found myself accepting the beer from him and taking a sip while my eyes were locked with his.

“You wanna dance?” he asked.

I nodded again.

Why was I agreeing to everything this man says?

Ganito ba ang pakiramdam ng na-hipnotismo?

He grabbed my hand and pulled me with him. Hindi ko alam kung saan niya ako dadalhin, pero pakiramdam ko ay susunod ako kahit saan. We went to the middle of the dance floor. Masikip doon kaya naman halos magkadikit na kami ng lalaki na hindi ko man lang alam ang pangalan.

“What’s your name?” malakas na tanong ko habang kalaban ko iyong lakas ng tugtog ng DJ.

“What?” he replied.

“What’s your name?” muling tanong ko pero hindi niya ulit maintindihan. I just gave up dahil nagsigawan iyong mga tao sa paligid ko dahil may pinatugtog na sikat na kanta.

This guy right here looked like he was having fun. He was dancing and smiling and I probably looked like a weirdo dahil nakatingin lang ako sa kanya at nanonood.

But then he reached for my hand and pulled me close.

“Let’s dance,” he said and for some reason, despite the loud music around us, I was able to hear him.

He pulled me close and then spun me around. I felt his arms around me. I felt him close. He was dancing and he was holding me so close that I was dancing with him. Naramdaman ko iyong kamay niya sa magkabilang bewang ko hanggang sa maramdaman ko na nakayakap siya sa akin.

We were so close.

For a moment, pakiramdam ko ay kaming dalawa lang ang nandito.

“Do you wanna go somewhere else?” he whispered in my ear.

I should say no.

I didn’t know the guy.

Heck, I didn’t even know his name!

But for some reason, against better judgement, I found myself nodding.

Chapter 01

Chapter 01

“Did you have a good time last night?” Nikki asked.

Agad na naramdaman ko iyong pagpula ng pisngi ko. Mabilis na inabot ko iyong baso ng tubig at ininom iyon. Mabuti na lang at mukhang may hangover si Nikki kaya sigurado ako na hindi niya mapapansin kung gaano namumula iyong mukha ko—o kung paano iika-ika ako kanina nang maglakad kami mula condo ko papunta rito sa Pancake House para kumain ng brunch.

“Okay naman…” sabi ko na para bang hindi ako sumama kagabi sa lalaki na hindi ko kakilala.

“Did you meet anyone?” she asked.

I just shrugged. I didn’t want to lie to her but I also didn’t want to tell her about what happened. Nikki has been trying to get me to date, but she’s never been successful dahil lagi akong may dahilan kung bakit ayoko. Also, she’s quite protective of me. Alam ko na hindi siya matutuwa sa desisyon na ginawa ko kagabi. And I’d agree with her.

It was impulsive.

And reckless.

But I’d be a hypocrite if I’d say that I didn’t have fun.

“Not really,” I replied.

“Really? There were lots of cute guys last night!”

“And also pretty girls,” sabi ko.

She rolled her eyes. “Please stop talking like you’re ugly,” Nikki told me. “You’re very pretty. You do know that, right?”

“That’s because I’m your best friend.”

She made a face. “Perhaps, but also, objectively speaking, you look good! Maybe like a bit more on the confidence, but you’ve got that shy girl vibe going on.”

I knew that she wouldn’t drop this, so I was forced to divert the topic. Tinanong ko na lang siya kung anong oras natapos iyong party. Apparently 7AM iyon natapos at dito dumiretso si Nikki pagkatapos niyang magpalit ng damit.

Halos 1PM na nang matapos kaming kumain. May sumundo kay Nikki na lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung sino kasi iba-iba ang dine-date ni Nikki. It was hard to keep track. After that, I decided to walk back to the condo. Gusto ko nang mahiga. Halos wala pa akong tulog dahil 4AM na nang matapos kami.

And my cheeks were heating up again.

“Is your place near?” he asked.

“What?” tanong ko habang hawak-hawak niya pa rin iyong kamay ko at naglalakad na kami pababa ng hagdan. We were in a club in BGC that Nikki rented specially for her birthday.

“Your place,” he said.

“Oh. Uh… I live in Mandaluyong,” I replied, not really wanting to tell him where I live specifically because although he’s so strikingly beautiful, hindi ko pa rin naman siya kilala para magtiwala sa kanya.

‘Yeah, right,’ my conscience said.

“Oh, really,” he said.

“Yes,” I replied. “Why would I lie about that?”

Natawa siya. “No, not that,” sabi niya. “Do you want to go to your place?” he asked while staring into my eyes. God, he has such beautiful eyes.

Napalunok ako.

Should I invite him to my place?

Kasi alam ko na kapag pumunta kami roon, may mangyayari. Hindi naman ako tanga para hindi malaman kung ano ang pakay niya kaya inaya niya ako palabas ng club. Nikki told me enough stories to know what’s about to go down.

I looked at him once more.

He’s so beautiful.

“Okay,” I said.

He grinned. “Great,” sabi niya. “Let’s go to my car.”

“You’ll drive?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you drink?”

“Not really,” he said. “Just arrived when I saw you.”

“Oh…”

“Barely finished my drink because you took it from me,” sabi niya na para bang tinutukso niya ako. I still couldn’t get my head wrapped around the idea that this beautiful man was flirting with me and that he wanted to go home with me.

“You still wanna go?” he asked.

I nodded and gulped. “Yes.”

Humalakhak siya. “I promise I won’t do anything you won’t like.”

I felt my face and ears heating up. Akala ko ay tutuksuhin niya pa ako, pero mabuti naman at hindi. Instead, he once again grabbed my hand and dragged me with him hanggang sa huminto kami sa harap ng isang black sedan. He unlocked the car and I drew a deep breath before I got in. Nakahawak ako sa seatbelt ko habang nasa binti ko naman iyong kamay niya. He was tracing patterns on my leg. He kept on glancing at me through the rearview mirror.

“I have a question,” he said.

“What?”

“You’re not a virgin, right?”

“What?”

“Just curious,” he replied.

“Why?” I asked. “Is it a bad thing?”

He shrugged. “Not really, but not a fan,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Why not?”

“They tend to be clingy, based on experience,” sabi niya sa akin. “You’re not a virgin, are you?”

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa seatbelt. “No,” I lied.

Why did I lie?

I shouldn’t have lied.

What’s wrong with being a virgin? It wasn’t like I was selling it to the highest bidder. And it wasn’t like I was waiting for marriage (although there’s nothing wrong with that, too). I was just waiting for the right time. And tonight felt like the right time… I hoped.

“Great,” he said.

“What if I were, though?” tanong ko. “You’d just drop me off along the road?”

Natawa siya. “I’m not that cruel.”

“But will you still sleep with me?”

Tumitig siya sa akin sa rearview mirror. “Yeah…” he said while maintaining eye contact. “Definitely,” he added. “And hope that you don’t go crazy on me just because we slept together.”

“Great,” I replied. “Good thing I’m not a virgin anymore then.”

He squeezed my thigh as a response.

---

He parked in basement 3. Mabuti na lang at doon kami dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ako dadaan sa reception sa lobby kapag nakita niya na may kasama akong lalaki ng ganitong oras. Hindi naman sila pinanganak kahapon para hindi malaman kung ano ang gagawin naming dalawa.

But then again, what was so wrong about it? We’re both consenting adults.

“What floor?” he asked.

“14th,” I replied.

“Do you think they’re recording elevator footage?”

“What?”

Tumingin siya sa may camera na nasa bandang kanan sa taas ng elevator. “Because I’d like to begin now,” sabi niya at nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Natawa siya. “Was kidding.”

“Are you, really?”

He shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not,” sabi niya. “Finally,” he said as we reached the floor.

Nakasunod siya sa akin habang naglalakad ako papunta sa unit ko. My hands were slightly shaking but I begged myself to calm down dahil bakit ba ako kinakabahan? As far as he was concerned, I was not a virgin and this was not my first hookup. I needed to calm down.

I got the key from my bag and as soon as I opened the door, nabigla ako nang hawakan niya ang mukha ko at hinalikan ako. Mabilis akong napaatras. Narinig ko iyong pagbagsak ng susi sa sahig at ang pagsara ng pinto. Naramdaman ko iyong paglapat ng likuran ko sa may pintuan.

“I need to be fast,” he said the moment his lips felt mine. It felt good to breathe.

“W-what?” tanong ko dahil sa bilis ng pangyayari. Parang kanina lang ay binubuksan ko pa lang iyong pintuan tapos ay nandito na kami sa loob ng condo ko. Ni hindi ko pa nabubuksan iyong ilaw at ang tanging ilaw lang ay iyong liwanag mula sa mga building at sasakyan sa labas ng bintana. At ngayon ay nakatayo na ako sa pagitan niya at ng pinto at nakatingin siya sa akin ngayon.

“I need to be inside you now,” he said as I felt his hand on the skin of my waist. Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko nang maramdaman ko siya sa may tiyan ko. “Can we do the foreplay after?” he asked as he was staring directly into my eyes like he was hypnotizing me.

I knew I should say no.

Nikki told me that foreplay first at kapag hindi, masakit daw.

I really should say yes.

But I guess better judgment doesn’t work when this guy was staring right into my eyes because once again, I found myself nodding and saying yes.

“Great,” he said as quickly as he spun me around and made me place my hands against the door. Naramdaman ko iyong mga kamay niya sa bewang ko papunta sa butones ng pantalon ko.

Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko.

Ramdam na ramdam ko iyong bawat kabog ng dibdib ko nang buksan niya iyong pantalon ko at ibaba iyon. Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi ko nang maramdaman ko iyong kamay niya papasok sa underwear ko.

Shit.

This was really happening.

“I love how wet you are already,” he said as I felt him rubbing me. I was a virgin, but I wasn’t born yesterday. I knew what he was doing to me. I had an idea about what’s about to go down sa dami ng kwentong narinig ko mula kay Nikki.

I bit my lower lip and wished that my hands weren’t pressed against the door because I would love to hold on to something as he was putting his fingers inside me.

“Maybe we don’t need foreplay as seeing how wet you are already,” he whispered in my ear as I heard him unbuttoning his pants.

My breathing was labored.

I was about to say goodbye to Virginia.

And then I felt him rubbing the head of his dick against me.

“Condom…” I said as I tried to calm myself down because I was so scared because it’s my first time and he didn’t know that.

“I know, baby,” he replied as he continued to rub the head of his dick against me. “We wouldn’t want you to get pregnant, right?” he continued.

Oh, god.

Why did this feel so good kahit wala pa talaga siyang ginagawa?

“Don’t worry—I’m gonna take care of you,” he continued and all I could really do was to tell myself to calm down and to not look like I was about to die kapag pinasok niya na iyon sa akin. I couldn’t see it, but judging from the feel of it, it felt massive.

Nikki told me that for my first time, I should probably start with small… Yet here I was about to have sex with a stranger with a huge dick.

I have lost my mind and common sense along the way.

Bahala na.

His fingers were rubbing me as I heard him unwrapped the condom. I wanted to look at his dick para alam ko naman kung ano ang papasok sa akin. Maybe to brace myself? Ewan ko. But even before I could look at his dick, agad na naramdaman ko iyong pagpasok niya.

“Fuck,” I heard him whisper against my ear. His hands were on my hips as he shoved his dick inside of me. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko sa gulat at naramdaman ko iyong luha na namuo sa paligid ng mga mata ko dahil sa sakit.

Holy fucking hell!

I felt like something was torn inside of me!

“God, you’re so tight,” he whispered as he began to thrust. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from whimpering because every thrust was hurting me. Nikki told me that it would feel good. Kailangan ko lang maghintay.

His grasp on my hips tightened. He was thrusting slowly but deeply inside me na napaaawang iyong labi ko sa tuwing gagawin niya iyon. I tasted blood dahil sa diin ng pagkakakagat ko sa labi ko. I was waiting for it to feel good, but it was still so painful.

“Fuck,” he cursed until his breath as he began to quicken his pace. His right hand was on my breast and I felt him squeezing my nipples. That felt so good. “You’re so good,” he whispered in my ears and all I could do was whimper because it was starting to feel good. “That’s it,” he said as he continued to thrust deeper and faster and didn’t stop until I heard him groaning in my ear.

And then he stopped.

“That was fucking great,” he said as he pulled himself out of me and for some reason, something in me felt empty.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Aalisin ko na ba iyong mga kamay ko sa may pintuan? Do I turn around and face him? Huhubarin ko na ba nang tuluyan iyong panty at pantalon ko? O isusuot ko muna ba ulit? Ano ba iyong ginagawa ni Nikki pagkatapos nito?

“Uh—” I said after I decided to just pick my underwear up and wear it again. Nang tumalikod ako para tignan siya, nakita ko na hawak niya na iyong cellphone niya at may binabasa roon. Napatingin ako sa bagay sa gitna ng binti niya.

No wonder it hurt so badly.

“Hey,” he replied. “So, I have to be somewhere.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “What?”

“I know I owe you a foreplay,” he said. “Can we hookup some other time?”

I knew I should say no, but I’d been making questionable decisions the entire night, so what’s another one?

“Okay…” I replied as I still felt sore from what happened the past ten minutes. Who knew ten minutes could feel that long?

“Great,” sabi niya. “Do you have snapchat?”

“Yes,” I replied. Nikki prefers to use snapchat kaya meron ako don. Ibinigay niya sa akin iyong cellphone niya at nilagay ko roon iyong username ko.

“Thanks,” he said. “I’ll contact you.”

“Okay.”

“Where’s the restroom?” he asked as I removed the condom and tied it up. Tinuro ko iyong CR at naglakad siya papunta roon. I picked up my pants and wore them again. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang susunod na gagawin ko kaya naman nakatayo lang ako roon hanggang sa makabalik siya. He picked up his boxer brief and wore it tapos iyong pantalon niya. I was just watching him as he dressed himself again.

“It was nice meeting you—”

“Arielle,” I said.

“Arielle,” he repeated. “Nice name.”

“Thank you,” I said. “What’s your name?”

“Zion,” he replied. He brushed his fingers through his hair. “I better get going. Nice to meet you, Arielle,” he continued before he let himself out of my condo. 

**

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Chapter 02

Chapter 02

I should turn off the notification of Snapchat.

I really should.

Hindi ako makapagconcentrate sa trabaho ko dahil lagi akong napapatingin doon… But on the other hand, kapag pinatay ko iyong notification ng Snapchat, pakiramdam ko naman ay lagi kong iche-check iyong app para makita kung nagmessage ba sa akin si Zion.

It was impossible.

Kailangan ko pa rin namang magtrabaho para may pambayad ako sa bills ko kaya naman itinago ko muna iyong cellphone ko sa drawer. I drew a deep breath and focused on working. Mabuti na lang at medyo time consuming iyong isang pinapagawa sa akin nung client kaya pasado ala una na nang matapos ako. I decided na magsaing muna ako ng kain at saka painitin iyong stove bago ko kinuha iyong cellphone ko.

No new notification.

Ano ba ’yan.

Bakit ako disappointed?

It’s been three days pa lang naman. Besides, Monday ngayon. Baka may trabaho si Zion at saka hindi niya naman ako girlfriend. Ayoko maging clingy sa kanya kasi magkakatotoo iyong sinabi niya na kapag virgin, nagiging clingy sa nakakuha ng virginity. I refuse to be a part of that statistics.

Nagfocus na lang ako sa pagluluto. I decided na maggisa na lang ng corned beef na maraming sibuyas. I was in the middle of cooking nang biglang tumunog iyong notification ng cellphone ko. I was ashamed to admit na halos liparin ko iyong distansya nung kusina at work table kung nasaan iyong cellphone.

‘Pwede gumala?’

I frowned nang makita ko na si Gem iyong nagtext sa akin. Tapos naman na ako sa gagawin ko sa work. Ito iyong gusto ko sa pagiging virtual assistant, e. Flexible iyong oras. Pwede na kaunti lang iyong gawin ko, pero dahil nagiipon ako, sinusubukan ko talaga na madami iyong clients.

‘Okay,’ I replied.

A few minutes later ay nakarinig na ako ng katok. Lagi naman kasi nandito si Gem kaya kilala na siya roon sa lobby at nakakadiretso na siya sa unit ko without the need to call me to confirm.

“Bakit?” I asked when I opened the door.

She shrugged. “Nothing. Bored.”

“Sa dami ng ginagawa mo sa school, bored ka pa?” I asked kasi kasalukuyan siyang nagrereview para sa PLE niya.

“Breaktime ko,” sabi niya. “Wala bang chismis d’yan?”

“Chismis saan?”

She shrugged again. “Party ni Nikki nung isang araw, right? Wala bang chismis doon?” she asked.

Pareho silang dalawa ni Nikki na best friend ko, pero dahil sobrang magkaibang tao sila, hindi rin sila close. Si Nikki ay model and sobrang open sa sex life niya and very outgoing. Si Gem naman ay virgin na mas madumi pa ata kay Nikki ang isip.

“Wala naman,” I said tapos nakita ko na kumunot ang noo niya na para bang may tinititigan siya. “What?” I asked kasi ilang segundo na ang lumipas at ganoon pa rin ang itsura niya.

Tumayo siya mula sa pagkakaupo sa may carpet sa sala ko. Lumapit siya sa akin. Bahagya akong napaatras nang lumapit siya sa akin.

“Ano ba’ng ginagawa mo?”

“Chikinini ba ’yan?”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Ano?”

Tinuro niya iyong sa may bandang leeg ko. “Yan,” sabi niya. “We’ve been friends for so long. Alam ko na wala kang balat d’yan.”

Agad akong napahawak doon. Mabilis akong umiling pero nakatingin lang siya sa akin. I sighed. Alam ko naman na hindi ko ’to maitatago kay Gem dahil para siyang may sixth sense sa mga ganitong bagay.

“Oh, my god! May boyfriend ka na?!”

Mabilis akong umiling. “Wala.”

“E saan nanggaling ’yan?”

“Wala.”

She groaned. “Grabe, ang damot!”

Pinatay ko na iyong kalan at saka inilagay iyong ulam sa plato ko. Gem was watching my every move. Napairap ako dahil para bang excited na siyang malaman kung bakit may ganito sa leeg ko. Ni hindi ko man lang napansin na may ganon. Hinalikan ba ako ni Zion sa leeg? Parang ang dami kasing nangyari at ang bilis. ’Di ko na ata tanda lahat.

“Wala akong love life,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“So, saan nanggaling ’yan?” she asked with arched brow.

I drew a deep breath. “Sa nakilala ko nung birthday ni Nikki.”

“Model?” I nodded. “So, gwapo?” I nodded again. “Name? Picture? Pengeng details for my imagination!”

Umiling ako. “No. Isstalk mo, e.”

Umirap siya. “Duh?”

“Ayaw.”

“Damot.”

“Basta.”

She groaned. “Fine, fine. Ano na lang nangyari at bakit nauwi sa chikinini ’yan?” she asked rather excitedly.

Halos hindi ako nakakain dahil sa pagkukwento kay Gem sa nangyari. I told her everything. Pakiramdam ko rin ay magkaka-pasa ako dahil sa paghampas niya sa akin minsan.

“Nagkita na ulit kayo?”

“Hindi pa.”

“Bakit hindi pa?”

“Hindi siya nagmemessage pa, e.”

“Bakit hindi mo na lang i-message?”

“Ayoko nga.”

Umirap siya. “Kung kasing gwapo nga siya gaya ng description mo, plus the fact na model siya, for sure maraming kilala na magagandang babae ’yon. I say i-message mo na ’yan. Strike while the iron is hot! Besides, siya na nagsabi na may utang siya sa ’yo na foreplay, right?”

“I know but—”

“Message mo na,” sabi niya. “Wala namang mawawala.”

“Iyong pride ko.”

She rolled her eyes. “Hindi ka naman magmamakaawa, sis! Message mo lang ng hi. “

“Paano kapag nagreply?”

“E ’di magreply ka rin? Bigla bang nawala iyong comm skills mo?” she sarcastically asked and I just frowned at her dahil parang kung pwede lang na kuhanin niya iyong phone ko at siya na ang magmessage kay Zion ay gagawin niya.

“Fine,” I said. “I’ll message him.”

“Do it now,” she replied and I just made face dahil talagang hindi niya ako tinigilan hanggang hindi ko binubuksan iyong app at mine-message si Zion. I typed hi tapos ay nag-exit ako sa app.

“Ano? Hihintayin mo pa iyong reply?”

“Damot,” she said, pouting. “Basta sabihan mo ako kapag nag-reply, ha!” she continued tapos ay umalis na siya dahil napatagal iyong chismisan namin at anong oras na rin pala.

Nang makaalis si Gem, I acted like everything’s fine. I wasn’t bothered na ilang oras na ang lumilipas at hindi pa rin opened ni Zion iyong chat ko sa kanya. And it was even more annoying dahil nakikita ko iyong pagtaas ng snapscore niya. Ibig sabihin ay nakita niya na iyong message ko pero hindi niya binubuksan.

This was a very bad idea.

---

11PM na pero hindi ako makatulog kaya nagba-browse na lang ako sa Tiktok nang manlaki iyong mga mata ko nang biglang may magnotify na Zion5200 is typing… Agad na napaupo ako sa kama ko. Ramdam ko iyong lakas ng kabog nang dibdib ko nang makita ko iyong Zion5200 sent a chat.

Zion5200: What’s up

Shit. Ano ang sasabihin ko? Bakit ba kasi ako nag-hi sa kanya? Mukha ba akong tanga kung tatanungin ko siya kung kailan niya babayaran iyong utang niya sa akin? Hindi ba mukha akong uhaw nun? Dapat ba naghintay na lang ako na siya iyong kusang magmessage sa akin?

Kasalanan ni Gem ’to lahat!

Me: Nothing much

Zion5200: Okay haha

Zion5200: You busy?

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Me: Not really

Zion5200: Hmm

Zion5200: I wanna see you

Zion5200: Is that okay?

Oh, fuck.

Okay, Arielle. Kumalma ka lang. ’Wag mong ipahalata na excited ka na makita siya. Pakiramdam ko ay siya iyong klase ng tao na kapag nakita na attached ka na sa kanya ay iiwan ka na bigla. Nakita ko na iyong ganito kay Nikki at sa isa sa mga nakalandian niya.

Me: Okay

Zion5200: Great. Be there in a few

Mabilis akong tumayo mula sa kama ko at agad akong pumasok sa CR. I took a very quick shower, nagpalit ako nang pinakamaayos kong pajama (sidenote: maybe I should buy a lingerie? Ewan ko! Tanungin ko si Gem bukas), nagpabango ako, at saka sinigurado ko na maayos iyong condo ko. Sobrang nagmamadali ako dahil hindi ko alam kung kailan dadating si Zion. I should have asked kasi mamaya isang oras pa pala.

Zion5200: What floor again?

Me: 14th

Zion5200: Unit?

Me: K

Magmemessage pa sana ako sa kanya nang biglang magring iyong telepono. Agad na sinagot ko iyong at nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang sabihin na may lalaki sa lobby. I knew it was Zion kaya naman sinabi ko na lang na paakyatin nila. Shit, nakakahiya! Kilala ko pa naman sila Ate roon. For sure alam nila kung bakit nandito si Zion.

Zion5200: Here

Huminga ako nang malalim. Okay. Kalma lang. I needed to be cool. Ganito sabi ni Nikki, e. I needed to act like it’s no big deal. Mukhang totoo naman kasi sinabi rin ni Zion na ayaw niya sa babaeng ma-aattach sa kanya.

“Hey,” sabi niya nang pagbuksan ko siya ng pinto. He was wearing black pants, white long sleeves, and a pair of Nike shoes. Meron din siyang suot na kwintas at singsing. He looked very good. Bakit ba ako nagtataka e model siya kagaya ni Nikki?

“Hi,” I said as I opened the door wider para makapasok siya.

“What’s up?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Just bored,” I replied, and then his hand was on my face and his thumb was caressing my cheek. Naririnig ko na naman iyong tibok ng puso ko. “Did you come from work?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Just finished a shoot.”

“Okay…” I replied but I was not able to say anything else because his lips were on mine again. Agad na naramdaman ko iyong kamay niya sa balat ng bewang ko. He was so close to me. Naririnig niya rin kaya iyong kabog ng dibdib ko?

“Why did you message me?” tanong niya habang papasok sa damit ko iyong kamay niya at naramdaman ko iyon sa may dibdib ko.

“I was bored,” I said, barely stringing the words together as I felt him pinching my nipples.

“Is that it?” he asked. His lips were on my neck. Oh, god. Magkakaroon na naman ako ng kiss mark doon! Kailangan ko na mag-aral kung paano takpan iyon dahil ayoko na malaman ni Nikki.

“Y-yeah,” I uttered as I felt his hand inside my shorts then my underwear.

“Okay…” he said as he rubbed his thumb against me. “Does this mean that if I’m bored, I can text you, too?”

I nodded.

I had no words.

That felt good.

Oh, my god.

“I need verbal confirmation,” he said as he began to rub faster. Gusto kong magsalita pero hindi ko magawa dahil napakapit na lang ako sa mga balikat niya nang mahigpit. This felt so much better than the first time! Why was this better than when he penetrated me before? O baka dahil first time ko iyon?

“Okay…” I replied, barely, as I was trying to catch my breath.

---

Zion and I made out for around twenty minutes. Ako lang ba o mas na-enjoy ko iyon kaysa sa mismong sex? I wanted to ask Nikki pero baka maghinala siya sa akin. Hindi ko naman kasi pwedeng tanungin si Gem dahil wala namang experience ’yon.

Sa couch ko kami nagmakeout tapos ay sa kama ko iyong main event. I was really thankful for the graphic details sa mga kwento ni Nikki kaya kahit papaano ay may alam ako sa mga pinapagawa ni Zion. Ngayon ko lang din nalaman na flexible pala ako dahil sa mga position na pinagawa niya sa akin.

“Are you from here?” I asked habang pinupulot niya iyong boxer briefs niya at sinusuot iyon. Kakagaling niya lang sa CR para maghugas yata ng kamay since narinig ko iyong faucet.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Nothing,” I said. “Took you only a few minutes to get here,” I continued as casually as I could.

I really could just stalk him. It’s the golden age of the Internet. But I refused to stalk him dahil alam ko na the more I know about him, the more obsessed I’d be. Besides, I didn’t want to romanticize this more than I was already doing.

“Yeah,” he replied. “I live near here.”

Got it.

He didn’t want to tell me exactly where he lived.

Hindi na ako nagtanong pa dahil ayoko maging pushy. I… I really liked it when he kisses me. I melt whenever he touches me. I’d seen him twice. I wanted to see him more. I needed to be ‘cool’ kung gusto ko pa siyang makita.

Tumango na lang ako habang nakaupo ako sa edge ng kama. Yakap ko iyong unan ko para matakpan iyong katawan ko. Pinapanood ko lang si Zion hanggang sa maisuot niya na rin lahat ng damit niya.

“I know the drill,” he said.

“What?”

“I’ll be seeing myself out,” he replied.

“Oh.”

“I’ll text you when I need to cum? If that’s okay?” he asked.

I nodded as I tightened my hold of the pillow against my naked body. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Great,” he said and then he kissed my forehead na naging dahilan ng pagawang ng labi ko. Bakit niya ako hinalikan sa noo? May ibig sabihin ba iyon? “Message you soon,” he continued before he walked out of my room.

Did… did I just agree to be his fuck buddy? 

**

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Chapter 03

Chapter 03

It was a Saturday night and usually, I’d be thankful kapag hindi ako minessage ni Nikki para lumabas at magparty. I’d been told that I could be quite of a people pleaser na kahit na ayoko naman talagang lumabas, I’d still end up going out dahil lang nahihirapan ako na magsabi ng hindi.

Normally— normally— I would be thankful for the lack of invite… but I had seen Nikki’s snapchat story and I knew she was partying and I thought I saw a glimpse of Zion on her story!

I got it so bad already and I had only seen the guy twice—but in my defense, in those two times, I’d seen him naked din! Bakit nga ba ako pumayag sa ganito?

Me: Saw Zion sa sc ni Nikki

Gem: And…?

Me: Idkkkk

Gem: You wanna contact him?

Me: Kinda

Me: But also afraid

Me: Because what if I did tapos hindi siya pwede???

Gem: E di hindi?

Me: Not that simple

Gem: It really is!

Gem: Go message him. If busy siya, e ’di better luck next time

Me: Idk

Gem: Bat ba takot na takot ka jan? I mean I get it he’s cute but also, remind yourself that he’s just a guy? Also you’re friends with Nikki? She can literally introduce you to a lot of hot guys if you ask her?

I sighed. She’s right. Nikki’s been on my ass for a long time about my dating life—or the lack thereof. That’s why I was kind of hesitant na sabihin sa kanya iyong kay Zion. I knew she’d be so supportive but also so protective. I agreed with the setup with Zion, but I also knew that it’s a wrong decision. Nikki would definitely voice that out. And then I knew that she’d tell me that she’d introduce me to hot and nice guys.

Thing was, I wasn’t interested on those hot and nice guys. Apparently, gusto ko iyong halos hindi ko nakakausap at nakikita ko lang kapag madaling araw na.

It’s so bizarre to be self-aware of the red flag yet choosing not to do anything about it.

Okay. Bahala na nga.

I sent a simple hey at around 11PM. I wasn’t holding my breath for his reply kasi nakita ko naman na nasa party siya. Still, hawak ko iyong cellphone ko and naka-on iyong notifs ko in the chance na mag-reply siya.

Zion5200: Whats up?

Me: Busy?

Zion5200: Depends

Me: Depends on what?

Zion5200: What you have in mind

Me: When will I see you again?

Zion5200: Depends on you

This was so bad dahil bakit ako kinikilig sa ganitong usapan namin? He was barely doing anything! My god, the bar was in hell at this point! This man could literally breathe in my direction at kikiligin na agad ako.

Me: What about now?

Zion5200: Okay

Me: Okay? You’ll go here?

Zion5200: Yeah

Me: Great

Holy fuck.

Gem was right—it was easy!

Ito ata iyong sinasabi nila na ask and you shall receive!

After my brief conversation with Zion, I took a quick shower dahil syempre gusto ko naman na mabango ako. I applied lotion all over my body and sprayed perfume in my hair dahil may ilang beses na nasa buhok ko iyong ilong niya. Ayoko naman mag-amoy araw.

I was getting better at this… preparation. After a less than 10 minutes, I was done. I looked at my mirror and actually liked what I was seeing. I was wearing black silk shorts and spaghetti top set, my hair was a bit curled dahil naka-bun iyon buong araw, I applied concealer and eyeliner, and of course lip balm.

I knew that he’d be going here from the party kaya naman medyo naglinis ako habang naghihintay. To be fair naman, if mayroong upside ’to, naging consistent na iyong kalinisan ng condo ko. Not that I was living in a pigsty before, but sometimes, if sobrang busy ako, may konting kalat. But now that I didn’t know when Zion would contact me, medyo malinis na ako. Mamaya kasi bigla siyang magmessage na nandyan na siya tapos ang gulo ng condo ko.

Then it was already 12MN.

Kung pwede lang siguro matunaw iyong cellphone ko sa titig ko rito, kanina pa siya natunaw. I wanted to message Zion to ask kung papunta na ba siya o kung matutuloy pa ba, but I was afraid of coming off as needy.

“This is so pathetic,” I said as I watched the clock turn 2AM.

---

I wasn’t a fan of the fact that I had to consciously distract myself dahil na-indian ako ni Zion. It was Sunday, so it was a no work day for me. I went to the mall and watched a movie alone. After that, I went to buy a book and read it in the coffee shop. I also had dinner in some resto kasi tinatamad akong magluto. Besides, I had a really crappy night, so I deserved some treat.

Pagbalik ko sa condo, naligo na ako. I was already looking forward to sleeping because I had been out the whole day. Plus the fact na 2AM na ako nakatulog kanina.

Zion5200 is typing…

I rolled my eyes nang makita ko iyong notification na iyon. I hated that I was very aware na notification ng snapchat iyong narinig ko. I knew I should’ve turned off the snapchat notification, but the masochist and probably horny side of me didn’t want to.

Zion5200 sent a chat

I should not read the message. I definitely shouldn’t. He could’ve told me na busy siya at hindi makakapunta. It would’ve been fine. Alam ko naman na busy siya at may sariling buhay. Alam ko naman na walang kami. But the fact that he confirmed with me and then ditched me was what’s so annoying to me.

Inilagay ko sa Do Not Disturb iyong cellphone ko and proceeded to sleep. It had been a long day and I just wanted for it to end para makapagsimula na ulit ako ng bagong araw bukas.

But as my luck would have it, nagising ako ng bandang alas dos ng madaling araw. Yeah. I shouldn’t have slept at 9PM! Nagising tuloy ako nang sobrang aga.

Zion5200: Hi

Me: What

Zion5200: Busy?

Me: Kinda

Zion5200: Okay

I rolled my eyes. Magrereply pa ba ako? Ni hindi man lang nag-apologize for wasting my time! Ganito ba talaga kapag hookup buddies? Walang respect sa oras? May rules ba sa ganito? May dos and don’ts ba? Makapag-research nga bukas.

Me: Why

Zion5200: Nothing just wanted to hangout

Me: Hangout?

Zion5200: Yeah you know

Me: I don’t wanna hangout

Zion5200: Oh okay

Ah, fuck.

Bakit biglang ako na iyong guilty?!

Me: What does hanging out mean for you?

Zion5200: Dunno hookup?

Me: Okay

Zion5200: Okay?

Me: Yeah

I saw that he opened the message. Normally, mag-aayos na ako agad para sa pagdating niya, but ewan ko… Tinatamad ako kasi baka biglang hindi na naman siya dadating. Pero parang gago naman if hindi siya dumating kasi this time, siya iyong nag-invite! Alam mo ’yung nananahimik ako tapos ang gago niya lang if ever?

But then the phone rang after a few minutes.

And I had to tell the receptionist to let him go to my room.

Oh… so, he’s really here.

“Hey,” he said with that beautiful but for some reason really annoying at the moment grin when I opened the door.

“Hi,” malamya na reply ko.

Nakita ko na napatingin siya sa outfit ko. This was way different from how I welcomed him the last time he went to my condo. I mean, I didn’t think I looked that badly, but I definitely could’ve put in more effort. I was just wearing my comfortable pajama and a pale pink tank top.

Fine, I was wearing some makeup! Ayoko naman na matakot siya sa itsura ko kapag barefaced ako.

“Why are you still awake?” he asked while he was removing his socks. He was wearing sliders with socks. Nakasuot din siya ng cotton shorts and black shirt. He looked pretty comfortable.

I shrugged. “Finishing some work,” sabi ko dahil gusto kong malaman niya na may ginagawa ako at hindi ako naghihintay sa pagmemessage niya lang.

Tumango lang siya. Nakatayo lang ako roon at hinihintay kung ano ang susunod na gagawin niya. My arms were crossed against my chest. Bigla siyang natawa.

“You look pissed,” he said.

“I am not,” I lied.

“Okay,” he said, shrugging, as he cupped my face, leaned down, and went for the kiss.

Oh, fuck it, this guy could really kiss!

Gustung-gusto kong hindi siya halikan pabalik, but the way his lips were coaxing mine, wala pang ilang segundo ay bumigay na agad ako. I mean, life is short! Might as well makeout with this hot guy!

Zion, for some reason, took his time kissing me. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na nakatayo lang sa may entrance ng condo ko at hinahalikan niya ako. It was a pretty uncomfortable position for me dahil naka-tiptoe ako para maabot iyong labi niya. I was not sure if it was uncomfortable for him, too, dahil naka-yuko siya.

But whatever, kissing him was so good!

‘Holy fuck, that was hot!’ was my thought when he carried me and he began to walk papunta sa kwarto ko. Ibinaba niya ako sa kama ko pero hindi naghihiwalay iyong mga labi namin. Seriously, how was I breathing when we’re just kissing continuously?!

This guy’s so good at multitasking because he managed to get me naked while still kissing me.

“What?” I asked, feeling a bit conscious nang nakatingin lang siya sa katawan ko. I wanted to cover my body with my hands but I didn’t want to seem insecure. He’s always surrounded by models. I could fake confidence even for an hour, surely.

Why was I always pretending in front of him?

“Nothing,” he said with his eyes scanning my body and then they’re back to looking at my face. “Lie down.”

“What?” I asked.

“Lie down,” he replied.

I did what he ask. Akala ko ay maghuhubad na siya, so my eyes widened a bit when instead of getting naked, his hand was suddenly in between my thighs. His fingers began to rub me down there habang nakatingin siya sa mga mata ko.

“How are you so wet already?” he asked like it was a surprise! I was ashamed to admit that he had so much control over me that I get turned on by the sound of fucking snapchat notification! But I’d never admit to that. I’d rather get hit by a truck.

“Please,” sabi ko nakita ko ang bahagya niyang pagtawa nang hawakan ko iyong kamay niya at ipitin iyon sa pagitan ng mga binti ko.

“Not yet,” he replied, still fiddling with me like I was a goddamn harp. I saw the amusement on his face when I began rocking my hips back and forth against his hand. His eyes were not leaving my face and I knew there and then that whatever patience he has was already wearing thin.

“You’re fucking impatient, aren’t you?”

I nodded as I bit my lower lip. “Please…” I said once again.

I didn’t know how he fucking did it but his right hand was still in between my legs while his other hand pulled his shorts down, grabbed the condom from his pocket, tear the wrapper between his teeth, and then rolled the condom around his dick—all while his eyes were just on me. I wanted to close my eyes and to just feel his thumb as he caressed me, but I also wanted to watch him as he watched me.

Why was this so fucking hot?

“Come here,” he said as he withdrew his fingers from me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto niyang mangyari, but he pulled me from the bed—effortlessly so—made me stand before him, placed both my hands against the bed, and then held the sides of my waist with his hands.

My lips parted when I felt him rubbing his dick against my core.

“You want this?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied as I bit my lip.

“Yes what?”

“Yes, please?” I asked, unsure what he wanted from me, but pretty sure that I’d do anything at this moment just to have that dick inside me.

My god, what has happened to me?!

I used to make fun of girls who are so dick obsessed! And now, watch me eat my words.

I was about to say something else when my lips parted the moment I felt him going inside me. God, he’s so sexy when he grunts! If this was the last thing I’d hear before I die, I wouldn’t complain at all!

“Putain d’enfer,” he uttered.

“W-what?” I asked, almost whimpered, but he didn’t answer and my question was soon forgotten because goddamn, an earthquake could happen in this moment and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t give a fucking damn!

---

It was around quarter to four when we finished. As usual, he’d remove the condom, tie it up, and then excused himself to go to the bathroom. This time tho, instead of staying naked, I grabbed my cardigan and covered myself up with it.

Nang makabalik siya sa kwarto ko, ang una niyang ginawa, like usual, ay kuhanin iyong damit niya na nasa sahig. I was just watching him as he dressed himself.

God, he’s beautiful.

“Do you have work later?” he asked as he was putting on his shirt.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Nice,” he said.

Was this him making small talk? Or just filling in the silence? Either way, I’d take it dahil nung nakaraan nga ni hindi ata kami nag-usap? Ang pinaka-mahaba naming usapan ay nung una kaming nagkita nung birthday ni Nikki. Judging on that, he’s good at conversing. Baka tinatamad lang siya magsalita ngayon.

“I’ll get going,” he said when he finished getting dressed.

“Okay,” I replied.

“Thanks. Talk to you soon,” he said and then my eyes probably widened a little when he cupped my face and then placed a kiss on my forehead.

What the fuck was that? 

**

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Chapter 04

Chapter 04

“What?” Nikki asked me when she caught me staring at her again.

“Wala.”

Umirap siya. “What is it?” she asked, a little annoyed this time dahil pangatlong beses niya na akong nahuli na nakatingin sa kanya. I really wanted to ask her about Zion! I mean, I could definitely stalk the guy online but if there’s something I learned with being friends with Nikki, it’s that people are not always how they seem. Take Nikki for example, she’s a model slash influencer. There’s this certain persona that she projects online. In real life? She’s different. She says it’s not about being fake. It’s just work. How she is in real life is how she really is. Ganon lang ’yon.

“Nagkaroon ka na ng fuck buddy, right?” I asked that made her forehead crease. She was looking at me suspiciously.

“Yeah… And what about it? Why the sudden curiosity?”

I shrugged. “Wala naman. Just a fascinating concept,” I replied, trying to sound as casual as I could possibly get because I didn’t want her to turn all mama bear on me.

“Okay…” she said, but she didn’t really sound convinced.

“How does that work?”

“Fuck buddy?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Sino ang nagtetext, ganon? Or sino ang nag-i-initiate.”

Tumingin siya sa akin. For a few seconds. Nikki’s not an idiot, so alam ko na alam niya na tungkol sa akin iyong tinatanong ko. I would listen to her stories kapag nagku-kwento siya, pero ngayon lang iyong ako iyong nagtanong talaga. She’d know that something’s up. But I also knew that she loves me enough to wait for me to voluntarily tell her kung ano iyong nangyayari sa buhay ko.

“I’m just curious about the… logistics,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil mukhang hindi siya naniniwala sa lame reasons ko.

“Either,” she replied. “You can ask if the other person is free. If yes, then it’s a go.”

“So, hindi naman mukhang demanding kunwari ikaw ang nag-ask?”

She nodded. “Yeah, babe, this is a two-way street. If he needs me, I’ll be there. And I need that reciprocated. I’m not a call girl that he’ll call whenever he feels like it.”

Okay, so hindi naman pala mukhang demanding nung nag-message ako sa kanya na pumunta siya sa akin. The thing was, hindi siya pumunta despite saying yes. Iyon kasi iyong nakaka-inis talaga. He wasted my time. Alas dos na akong naka-tulog!

“But,” she said, looking at my face. “It’s not for everyone.”

“Bakit ganyan tingin mo sa akin?”

She shrugged. “Nothing,” she replied. “Fuck buddies only works if you’re both aware of the status. Fun only, no feelings involved, you know? Because if one person catches feelings, it’s gonna be so awkward.”

“Are you speaking based on experience?” I teased her.

She groaned. “Yes! That asshole invited me over at 1AM then had this whole candlelit dinner prepared. I mean, who does that!”

Natawa ako. “Someone who likes you?”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, feeling wasn’t mutual. I was interested in the dick, not in him as a person.”

Napailing ako. “Mean.”

“That’s why I told you that it’s not for everybody,” sabi niya. “To be fair, it’s hard to separate love from lust, you know? Also, some people are the girlfriend-boyfriend type of girl, but some can have fun and just fun.”

Tumango na lang ako at hindi na nagsalita pa. Ano bang klaseng babae ako? Ako ba iyong kayang i-make sure na fun lang? Obviously not! Nase-stress na nga ako dahil lang hindi siya nagpakita nung dapat magpapakita kami, e.

Ano ba ’tong pinasok ko.

---

I was trying to finish some deliverables nang mag-notify sa akin iyong Snapchat. It was only 9PM, so I was kind of weirded out. Nevertheless, tinignan ko pa rin kung kanino galing iyong notification.

“Weird,” I said as I pondered kung bubuksan ko ba iyong notif.

It was only 9PM.

Too early for a booty call…

Or was it?

Dapat talaga may gumawa ng rules sa ganito, e!

Zion5200: Hi

Me: Hi

Zion5200: Busy?

Me: Kinda

Zion5200: Oh okay

Me: Why?

Zion5200: Nothing just bored

I should stop replying dahil totoo naman na may ginagawa ako. I mean, oo gwapo siya. Oo masarap siya. Pero mas kailangan ko ng pera, noh! Ang mahal na ng bilihin ngayon.

Me: I’ll be free around 11

God, ang rupok!

Zion5200: Great

Me: See you later

Zion5200: Or maybe now? I can just chill there while waiting

Oh, fuck. Gusto niyang tumambay dito?! This was an uncharted territory. Sa three times na nagkita kami ay hindi pa siya tumambay. He just did what he had to do and then left. What the fuck was happening?!

Zion5200: Or maybe not

Zion5200: I’ll just see you later

Oh, shit.

Ang bilis namang magbago ng isip!

Me: No it’s fine

Zion5200: Okay :)

Normally, I hate using emoji, but for some reason, ang cute kapag sa kanya. Kasi alam mo ’yon? Kapag tinitignan ko si Zion, ang bad boy talaga ng dating niya. Hindi ko ma-point out kung paano, but that’s just how he is… tapos biglang may smiley?!

Ang unfair!

---

I live in a business district kaya maraming condo buildings sa paligid ko. Ramdam ko na sa isa sa mga building na ’to si Zion nakatira dahil literal na in under 10 minutes ay nasa condo ko na siya. Mabuti na lang talaga ay hookup ready iyong unit ko! Hindi ko na kailangang magmadali sa paglilinis.

May mabuting impluwensya rin naman pala ’tong lalaki na ’to sa akin bukod sa pagpapa-discover sa akin na malandi pala ako. Akala ko wala akong kalandian sa katawan—turned out, choosy lang pala talaga ako. Alam mo ’yon? With the right person, lalabas ang kalandiang tinatago mo.

Zion5200: Here

Agad akong tumayo at binuksan iyong pinto. He was wearing light gray joggers, white shirt, and black sliders. Medyo magulo rin iyong buhok niya, pero for some reason, he looked like he’s ready to walk the runway.

Ano nga kayang klaseng model siya? Sabi kasi ni Nikki, may runway model pero meron ding print ad model, TVC model, at kung anu-ano pang model. Ano’ng model kaya ’tong si Zion? Bakit hindi ko na lang kasi siya i-stalk online kaysa kung anu-ano ’tong iniisip ko.

“Hey,” he said as he stepped in my unit.

I gave him a curt nod. Mukhang natuto na siya dahil ang una niyang ginawa ay ang hubarin iyong sliders niya. Mabuti na lang at may suot siyang medyas kasi wala akong slippers na kasya sa paa niya. Ang weird naman if bibili ako para sa kanya. Masyadong presumptous na magtatagal ’tong setup namin. Mamaya isipin niya na attached ako tapos biglang mawala siya.

“Do you wanna eat?” I asked.

“You, but later,” sabi niya na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko at napaawang ang labi ko. Bahagya siyang natawa. “I was kidding,” sabi niya. “Just do your thing. Don’t mind me.”

Ramdam na ramdam ko iyong pamumula ng mukha ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Sinubukan kong magsalita, pero para bang tinakasan ako ng mga salita. Instead, I forced myself to go back to my work area. Nandoon ako sa bandang dulo ng sala ng condo ko dahil nandoon iyong laptop ko. I wanted to see kung nasaan si Zion, pero ayoko naman na lumingon. I tried so hard to look at the reflection sa may screen ng laptop ko. Nakita ko na nakahiga lang siya sa may carpet sa sahig at nakasandal iyong ulo niya sa may beanbag at mukhang nagcecellphone lang siya.

Hindi ako makapagconcentrate, leche!

But I told him na mamaya pa akong 11PM matatapos kaya magiging weird naman if sabihin ko ngayon na free na ako. Although that would be optimal dahil mukhang wala naman akong matatapos gawin with him around—and with him looking like that!

I stood up and pretended like I was getting water. Habang umiinom ako ay nakita ko na nandon pa rin siya. Only this time, he was wearing airpods at mukhang may pinapanood siya sa phone niya.

Why was he created like this?

So hot, but adorable.

Unfair.

Sa buong pag-inom ko ng tubig ay hindi siya tumingin sa gawi ko. Either masyado lang siyang nag-e-enjoy sa pinapanood niya o wala siyang pakielam kahit magtumbling ata ako rito. Hindi ko alam kung maiinis ba ako roon o ma-a-amaze sa level of concentration na meron siya.

Pagbalik ko sa work area ko, nagsuot na rin ako ng earphone and really tried to concentrate this time. I had to remind myself that I got bills to pay and as hot as he was, his pretty face won’t pay my bills.

“You done?”

Halos mapatalon ako sa kinauupuan ko nang marinig ko iyong boses niya. I managed to successfully work. It was hard work, though! To work despite knowing na may hot na lalaki na nakatambay sa sahig ng condo ko. The struggle was real!

“Yeah…” I replied habang sinasara ko iyong laptop ko.

“Great,” sabi niya. “So… can we?”

Umikot ako paharap sa kanya habang nakaupo sa swivel chair ko. “Can we what?” I asked with my brows arched habang nakatingin sa kanya. He’s now sitting and facing me. God, that beautiful face!

His lips were slightly parted. “Is that a stable chair?” he asked suddenly.

“What?”

Tumayo siya. It was weird how I was in awe kahit sa simpleng pagtayo niya lang. Siguro kasi kapag ako ang tatayo, para akong hirap na hirap. But him? He did it so gracefully. Ganyan ba kapag model? May training ba sila sa ganyan?

“I was thinking that I’ll sit there… and then you’ll sit on me,” sabi niya habang naglalakad tapos ay huminto sa mismong harapan ko. He put his hands on the armrest and then leaned in—just enough that our faces were an inch apart.

Fuck, my heart was racing again!

Ano ba ’yan! Fourth time na naman ’to! Bakit ba kabado pa rin ako?!

“I…” I said, trying to find the words because I swear to god, lagi nila akong tinatakasan kapag kaharap ko ’tong lalaking ’to! “I don’t know…”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Do you wanna try?” I asked.

Umiling siya. “Nah. You use it for work. I don’t wanna risk it,” sabi niya tapos ay hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa nang maramdaman ko iyong labi niya sa labi ko.

God, I love my life!

---

We started at 11PM and ended at 2AM.

It was… wow.

I had no fucking words?!

“Yeah… sorry about that,” bigla niyang sabi.

“About what?”

“That,” sabi niya sabay turo sa noo ko.

Napakunot iyong noo ko sabay kuha nung salamin. My room was a bit dark. Ewan ko. I was not ashamed of my body but at the same time, I was not that proud of it. Ang ganda naman kasi ng katawan ng tao na ’to! Like literally, may abs siya na kita ng mga mata ko. Ang paborito kong part, tho, ay iyong mga ugat sa kamay niya. Ang hot lang!

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko na para akong binugbog dahil kita ko na agad iyong purple parts sa gilid ng leeg ko. Meron din sa may cheekbones ko. Paano nangyari ’yon?!

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” he said, but he didn’t sound super apologetic. I frowned at him. Ramdam ko na kanina dahil ang tagal niya sa leeg ko, pero ako ’tong malandi, hindi siya pinigilan. Paano ko tatakpan ’to ngayon?!

“I’ll get back at you for this,” I said, still frowning at him.

Tumawa siya. “Yeah, sure. Give the makeup artist something to work on,” he said so casually pero ako ’tong malandi, kinilig na agad!

Ito ata iyong literal na bare minimum pero kinikilig na agad!

Lumabas siya para kunin iyong damit niya dahil sa sala kami nagsimula pero of course, sa kama iyong ending. I wondered if makakarating ba kami sa shower o masyadong intimate na ba ’yon?

Habang nagbibihis siya sa sala, kinuha ko iyong cardigan ko at sinuot iyon. Paglabas ko ay nakita ko na iyong shirt niya na iyong sinusuot niya.

“Sorry for disturbing you while working,” he said.

I shrugged like it was no big deal kahit na kanina pa ako nag-o-overthink. “It’s fine,” I replied.

“You’ll be sleeping after this?” he asked.

Was he making small talk? Usually kasi after our rather awkward conversation ay aalis na siya. Then hindi siya magpaparamdam for a few days, magpaparamdam, makikita ko siya sa labas ng unit ko, we’ll have fun, then he’ll say goodbye. Rinse and repeat.

“Maybe not,” sabi ko. “I’ll probably order some food.”

“What food?”

I shrugged. “Maybe some wings,” sabi ko. “You want some?”

“Yeah… but I have a shoot later.”

Did he really mean that? Na kung wala siyang shoot, he’ll hangout with me? O baka shunga lang ako na naniniwala sa mga sasabihin niya?

“Don’t you need to have complete sleep or something before a shoot?” I asked, trying to sound as casual as I could possibly be. Paano kaya nagagawa ng ibang mga babae na maging casual sa harap ng type nila? I was already panicking on the inside!

He shrugged. “Usually, yeah, but don’t you think I look good now?”

I felt my face heating up. I shrugged as casually as I could.

“You look fine,” sabi ko dahil ayokong isipin niya na gwapong-gwapo ako sa kanya. He’d believe me, though, dahil alam niya naman na friend ko si Nikki and we literally met sa birthday niya na napakaraming model.

He was still smiling but something… changed. I couldn’t quite say what changed, though.

“Thanks again for letting me hang,” sabi niya sa akin.

What? Bakit biglang aalis na siya? We were still making small talk!

Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang tumango.

“Uh… Be safe,” sabi ko. “I mean, it’s already 2AM.”

He gave me a smile. “Thanks.”

It would be weird if I tell him to message me kapag nakauwi na siya, right? Hindi iyon kasama sa fubu territory. I would definitely make things weird if I ask him that.

He walked to the door. He didn’t say bye. He didn’t kiss my forehead like before. He just left.

Okay… Did I say something wrong? 

**

This story is already at Chapter 08 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 05

Chapter 05

Yeah… I definitely did something wrong… I was just not certain kung ano iyong maling nagawa ko and it’s driving me insane!

“Bakit kasi hindi mo na lang i-message?” Gem asked.

It was Saturday night at nandito kami sa food park malapit sa condo. Usually, I’d be buying different food as a treat to myself. Kapag weekdays kasi ay marami akong trabho. As much as I wanted to eat, ako iyong tao na hindi nakaka-kain nang maayos kapag stressed o masyadong focused sa isang bagay. Saturday night and Sunday iyong pinaka-pahinga ko. Pero ngayon ay hindi ako makapagpahinga dahil busy ako mag-overthink at i-replay iyong mga ganap nung huli kaming nagkita ni Zion dahil pakiramdam ko talaga ay may mali akong nasabi.

“Hindi nga ganon kadali,” I explained to her.

“Ano’ng hindi madali? Madali lang mag-type.”

I rolled my eyes at her. I love her, but sometimes, I hated how pushy she was. She’d tell me na madali lang naman gawin, but then again, magkaiba naman kami. And also, I bet kapag crush niya iyong sasabihan ko na ganito ang gawin niya, she’d chicken out!

“Ayokong magmukhang clingy,” sabi ko.

“Clingy? Two weeks ago na nung huli kayong nagkita kaya.”

I sighed. Had it been that long? Galit kaya sa akin si Zion? But then again, kung galit siya, hindi ba may implication na may pakielam siya sa akin? Kasi bakit naman siya magagalit sa random na tao, right?

“Also, mukhang ’di naman siya busy kasi nakita ko nasa party siya.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Paano mo nalaman?”

“Naka-follow ako sa IG niya.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “Gem!”

“What? Naka-public kaya siya!”

“Kahit na!”

“E ’di magprivate siya kung ayaw niyang naviview iyong story niya?”

I groaned in frustration. Ako nga na curious na curious kay Zion ay hindi nagvview sa story niya sa IG! Heck, ni hindi ko nga alam iyong mga social media account niya. Grabeng self-control at restraint ang meron ako. Nakaka-bilib!

“Kapag nalaman niya na friends tayo, nakakahiya!”

Tumawa si Gem. “Feeler nito! Feel mo naman iistalk niya ako tapos makikita niya iyong account mo?”

Inirapan ko siya. “Bwisit ka.”

“Ano? May feelings ka na, noh?”

“Feelings mo mukha mo.”

“E bakit affected ka na hindi na nagmemessage sa ’yo?”

I rolled my eyes again. “Hindi ako affected.”

“Geh. Kunwari naniniwala ako.”

Kawawa naman iyong pad thai na kinakain ko dahil hindi na siya mukhang edible dahil siya ang napagdiskitahan ko sa bwisit dito sa kausap ko.

“Alam mo naman na madali akong ma-stress kapag feeling ko naka-offend ako, ’di ba?” She nodded because it’s true. Hindi ko talaga kaya maging IDGAF na tao dahil masyado akong naaapektuhan kapag feel ko naka-offend ako lalo na kapag kaibigan ko.

“Ano ba kasi sinabi mo nung huli kayong nagkita?”

I sighed. “Ewan ko… Like small talk lang. Tapos biglang aalis na siya.”

“Meron ka nasabi for sure,” sabi niya. “Unless bigla lang talaga nagbago iyong mood niya for no apparent reason.”

“Baka iyon iyong sinasabi ni Nikki na post nut clarity ?”

Kumunot iyong noo ni Gem. “Ha? Ano na naman hanash ni Nikki? Dami niyang terms, ha.”

Tumawa ako. “I know!” sabi ko. “But sabi ni Nikki, iyon daw ’yung after the deed, nalilinawan iyong lalaki. Minsan kasi kapag alam mo na… horny iyong lalaki, hindi sila makapag-isip nang maayos. Kaya minsan daw after the deed, bigla na silang aalis kasi tapos na iyong gusto nila makuha. Na ayaw naman talaga nila pumunta, but clouded iyong utak nila.”

Natawa si Gem. “Para namang animal iyong mga lalaki na walang self-control.”

I shrugged. “Sabi ni Nikki lang ’yan sa ’kin.”

“So tingin mo may post nut clarity si Zion?”

“Maybe?”

“But sabi mo tumambay siya muna sa condo mo for an hour, ’di ba?” I nodded. “And he also tried small talk unlike before na aalis lang siya agad?” I nodded again. “And the session lasted for three hours unlike the usual one hour?” I nodded again. “Sis, I hate to break it to you, pero may nasabi ka talaga na hindi niya nagustuhan.”

I groaned again kasi alam ko na tama siya pero hindi ko talaga alam kung ano iyong nasabi ko. Weird naman if imemessage ko siya para itanong kung ano ’yon.

“Just go ask him.”

“And why will I ask specifically?”

“Hey, did I offend you?”

“Seriously?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“If sinabi niya na wala?”

Gem shrugged. “I mean… do you like him na ba?”

I remained silent. Gusto ko ba si Zion? I mean… yeah… I wouldn’t have sex with him repeatedly kung hindi. Hindi ako gaya ni Nikki na kayang gawin ’yon just for fun. But then again, sometimes I question myself kung bakit nagustuhan ko si Zion agad kahit wala naman akong masyadong alam sa kanya. Iniisip ko tuloy kung gusto ko ba talaga siya o gusto ko lang iyong attention na nakukuha ko sa kanya kasi for the first time in my life, may gwapong lalaki ang nagbibigay ng attention sa akin?

“I guess…” sagot ko.

“I mean you can not ask him and prolong this agony,” sabi ni Gem.

“But if I do ask him and sinabi niya na hindi but then again doesn’t ask me to hangout again…”

Gem gave me a small smile. “Then at least you’ll know and you can move on to better things?” she said, trying to remain optimistic but I wasn’t that optimistic… like I had waited all my adult life and ngayon lang ako nagka-Zion sa buhay ko. Kailan pa iyong next na ‘better things?’

“Okay,” sabi ko. “Ikaw magmessage.”

“Sure ka?”

I nodded. “Yes. Masusuka ako sa kaba kapag ako ang nagmessage.”

“Okay…” sabi ni Gem. “Ano ang sasabihin ko?”

“Busy?” She nodded as she typed the message on Snapchat. Iniabot niya sa akin pabalik iyong phone ko. “Mamaya pa siguro magrereply ’yon kasi nasa party sabi—” I said but then paused when I saw that the message had been opened .

Oh, fuck.

Moment of truth!

Para talaga akong masusuka habang naghihintay na magtype siya ng reply niya. Two minutes na iyong lumipas pero wala akong nakita na typing.

Fuck.

Was I left on opened ?

Hindi dapat ako nakinig kay Gem. Baka busy lang si Zion? I mean, busy season ba ng modelling ngayon? I should ask Nikki. Baka busy talaga siya kaya hindi siya nagmemessage sa akin? But baka may iba na siyang fubu? Sa mukha niyang iyon, for sure hindi siya mahihirapan!

“What?” Gem asked. “Nagreply na ba?”

I shook my head and forced a smile. “Nope. May email lang about work,” I replied because for the life of me, I needed to protect what was left of my pride and pretend that I was not ignored by a guy who invaded my thoughts for a month already.

Fuck my life, really.

---

Alam ko na hindi ako masyadong magaling umarte kaya naman thankful ako na hindi pa nagtanong si Gem tungkol kay Zion dahil baka maiyak ako sa frustration o sa sama ng loob.

Dapat talaga lumandi na ako nung nasa high school ako, e! Ayan tuloy, ngayon ko lang nararanasan iyong mga ganitong heart break and disappointment sa lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung paano ihahandle ’to. Gusto kong humingi ng advice kay Nikki kaya lang nahihiya ako kung ngayon lang ako magsasabi sa kanya.

I really wanted to sleep the disappointment off kaya naman uminom ako ng sleeping pills para makatulog agad ako. I rarely use this dahil mabilis naman akong makatulog dahil sa dami ng ginagawa ko. Ngayon lang dahil kailangan ko talagang makatulog. Otherwise, I would replay the disappointment in my head over and over again.

Zion5200 is typing…

Pero tangina.

Isang notif niya lang, nawala ata iyong antok ko.

Zion5200: Kinda

I mean, alam ko naman na busy siya dahil nasa party siya. What did I expect, really? It’s a Saturday night. Of course, he’s busy.

Me: Oh okay

He left me on opened again.

I should leave it at that.

Hindi na dapat ako magreply.

Me: We good?

But of course kailan ba ako nakinig sa logical part ng utak ko? At this point, display na ata siya.

Zion5200: Yeah why not

Okay. Walang ka-reply-reply sa sinabi niya. Hindi na dapat ako magreply pa.

Me: Great. I’ll see you soon.

And… I was left on opened again.

Tanginang ’yan.

Dapat talaga natulog na lang ako.

---

I was not a fan of the fact na kinailangan kong umuwi sa probinsya dahil ganoon ako ka-affected sa huling conversation namin ni Zion. Sa utak ko, ang explanation niya ay at least kahit i-message ako ni Zion, wala akong choice kung hindi sabihin sa kanya na hindi ako available dahil totoo naman na hindi ako available. As if bata ako na walang control at kailangan honest lagi sa sasabihin ko sa kanya.

Thank god dahil flexible ang trabaho ko. I stayed there for a week tapos ay bumalik din ako sa Maynila dahil ang naisip ko naman ay sayang naman ang binabayad kong renta sa condo kung nasa probinsya rin ako.

Pagbalik ko sa condo, natulog lang ako dahil sa pagod sa byahe. Ang weird dahil literal na nakaupo lang naman ako sa bus, but for some reason ay pagod ako.

After resting, nagdecide ako na maggrocery. Pag-uwi ay nag-ayos ako ng ref at cupboard tapos ay nagluto ako ng dinner. Nagdecide ako na manood ng movie. At least ang pinaka-problema ko lang ngayon ay kung anong movie ang papanoorin ko.

I settled on watching Barbarian. I was so focused on watching na on reflex ay napatingin ako sa phone ko nang maramdaman ko iyong pagvibrate nun.

Zion5200 is typing…

I hated that the mere sight of his name was enough to sour my mood. Iyon bang iyong isang linggong pagninilay-nilay ko sa probinsya ay nawala agad dahil lang sa notification ng pangalan niya? Also, may sa maligno ba siya na naramdaman niya na nandito na ulit ako sa Maynila?

Zion5200 sent a chat

Huminga ako nang malalim. I should ignore him. Or I should open his message and leave him opened. But then again, what would that achieve? Hindi niya naman ako gusto kagaya ng pagkakagusto ko sa kanya. Doing those things would mean nothing to him.

Zion5200: Hi

Me: Yes?

Zion5200: Free?

Me: Not really. Watching movie

Zion5200: Alone?

Me: Yeah

Zion5200: Can I join?

Me: Sure

Zion5200: Great

Me: I’m on my period tho

Zion5200: Okay?

Me: Can’t hookup

Zion5200: Okay

What did I expect, really?

---

I tried to focus sa pinapanood ko pero hindi ko magawa dahil mas nangingibabaw iyong bwisit ko kay Zion. May mga tao talaga na malakas mambwisit, e.

Napakunot ang noo ko nang makareceive ako ng chat mula sa kanya na nagsasabi na nasa labas na siya. Agad akong tumayo at saka naglakad papunta sa pinto. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko siya mula sa peephole na nakatayo nga sa labas ng unit ko. It’s been 20 minutes since he last messaged. Akala ko ay hindi na siya pupunta dahil usually in five or ten minutes ay nandito na siya agad.

“Hey,” he said with that charming grin.

“I thought you’re not coming,” I said as I stood in front of the door. Nakaharang ako dahil hindi ko sure if papapasukin ko ba siya.

“How come?” he asked with a crease on his forehead.

“You said okay. “

“How did that mean that I wasn’t coming?” he asked, confusion was painted on his face.

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know but you assumed that I wasn’t coming?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Oh,” he said. “But I’m here now, so your assumption is wrong.”

I shrugged again. “Guess so,” sabi ko tapos napatingin ako sa hawak niya. He was holding a paper bag from 7-11. I wanted to ask kung ano iyong laman nun but I was restraining myself so hard not to ask him any question. Para ba akong na-traumatize sa huli naming paguusap na baka may masabi na naman ako na offensive tapos ’di na naman niya ako pansinin.

“Oh. I didn’t know what you like, so I got random stuff,” sabi niya tapos ay itinaas iyong hawak niya tapos ay ipinakita niya sa akin iyong laman. “Got some chocolates, chips, some sweets.”

Nakakunot ang noo ko. “Okay…” I said. “Why?”

“You said you’re on your period, right?” sabi niya tapos tumango ako. “My sister demands this things from me when she’s on her period,” he casually said like he didn’t just render the whole week I spent in the province void because fucking hell, I was in deep, deep shit. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 10 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 06

Chapter 06

“I don’t really like mint flavored ice cream.”

“Bold of you to assume that it’s yours.” Napaawang iyong labi ko tapos natawa siya. “Kidding,” sabi niya. “I was gonna buy you ice cream, but this is the only flavor they had left. I guess it’s unwanted or something. Had to buy it. Looked so lonely in the fridge.”

God, why did you have to make him hot and adorable?! Sobrang deadly combination!

I was watching the movie on my bed bago siya magmessage sa akin. Weird kung lilipat kami sa may sala tapos sa carpet uupo. I thought it would bother me na nakaupo siya sa kama ko with his outside clothes, but I was just relieved na mukhang okay na siya sa akin ulit.

Hindi ako makapag-concentrate sa panonood ng movie dahil mas pinapanood ko pa iyong side profile niya. Hindi ko alam kung oblivious lang ba siya or hinahayaan niya lang ako na titigan siya. Also, might I mention how good he smelled?! Like literally gusto ko siyang gapangin at this moment kaya lang sinabi ko na sa kanya na may period ako kahit wala naman talaga.

“Holy fuck!” sigaw niya nung may jump scare sa movie. Napatingin siya sa akin. “You don’t scare easily, do you?”

I just shrugged kaysa sabihin na paano naman ako matatakot sa movie na hindi ko pinapanood?

“What?” he asked nang matawa ako sa mga reaction niya lalo na nung padulong part na ng movie. Pwedeng-pwede siya maging meme, e.

“Nothing,” I replied. “You scare easily.”

“What do you mean I scare easily? It’s a scary movie!”

“It’s not.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, right. You were watching me instead of watching the movie,” he so casually said habang nakatingin sa screen ng laptop ko.

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Lecheng ’yan! Kailangan pa ba niyang sabihin iyon if alam niya? Ano ang end goal dito? Mapahiya ako? Mahiya? Mamatay sa kahihiyan?!

“The audacity,” I said when I was able to gather what was left of my confidence.

“I didn’t hear a denial,” he replied.

“I wasn’t watching you.”

“You were. It’s okay. I’m giving you the permission.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Wow.”

“I know, right?”

“I’m speechless.”

“Yeah. I tend to have that effect on people.”

Oh, my god.

He chuckled. “Nah, I’m kidding,” he said. “I wanted to ask if I had booger in my nose because you were staring,” he continued. “Do I?”

I nodded. “Yeah, you do.”

His eyes widened. “Really?!” sabi niya and I watched as this grown man panicked. Gusto kong matawa dahil ang bilis niyang tumayo mula sa kama ko at naglakad papunta sa CR. Not a few seconds later and he marched back. “Liar,” he said when he realized that I was lying and making fun of him.

I just shrugged. He sat back on my bed. Hindi pa rin tapos iyong credits nung pelikula. Zion just grabbed the ice cream and began eating it again.

“You’re not on a diet?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You know Nikki, right?”

He nodded. “Your best friend?”

“Yeah,” I said. “She’s always on a diet. I just thought that since you’re a model, too…”

Sumandal siya sa pader. “No, not really,” he replied. “I’d been thin all my life. I’m actually trying to gain weight. My manager said I need to gain more. Eating is a chore for me.”

“That’s the dream,” pabiro kong sabi.

He just smiled at me. “Guess so.”

Oh, god.

May mali na naman akong nasabi.

“No offense to your manager, but you look good already,” sabi ko, hoping na mabawi ko iyong sinabi ko sa kanya. I mean, hindi ba thin-shaming iyong ginawa ko? Kasi may fat-shaming? I should really stop commenting on people’s body regardless.

“Thanks,” sabi niya. “I need to gain more weight still.”

“Can I ask why?”

“To book more gigs,” he said.

“Oh.”

“Left my entire life in France to pursue a modelling career here in Asia,” sabi niya habang nakatingin sa ice cream niya. “Can’t really do that and achieve nothing.”

For a moment, hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. I hated that I was so afraid of disappointing him or making him mad or anything na wala na akong masabi. I hated when he didn’t talk to me for weeks. I didn’t want to say the wrong words again and ended up in that situation again.

Pero ayoko rin nung ganito na hindi ko masabi iyong gusto kong sabihin.

“How long have you been modelling?” I asked, instead. That’s a safe question… right?

“Few months,” sabi niya.

“Are you a print or runway model?”

“Prints mostly,” sabi niya. “I do events sometimes. I’m hoping to get into runway soon.”

“That’s nice,” sabi ko.

He shrugged. “It’s fine.”

He didn’t look too happy sa career niya. I wanted to ask more about that, but it didn’t feel like my place to ask. I mean, after all, fubu lang naman kami. Buti sana kung friends with benefits, e.

“How about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

He nodded. “Yeah. What do you do?”

“Virtual assistant.”

“What’s that?” he asked like he was interested—or maybe pretending to be interested just to fill in the silence. But I’d take it. I told him what I do. He was nodding. He was asking some questions. It was nice, but I really wanted to ask more about him, about his work, or maybe about his life in France before he decided to go here.

But then he stood up.

“You’ll leave?” I asked and immediately regretted it because I thought I sounded needy.

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s almost 1AM. Oh, wow. Didn’t know I stayed that long.”

“Right.”

“Hope you didn’t have any other plans.”

“What plans?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Date or something.”

“What?”

He shrugged again, but said nothing dahil lumabas na siya ng kwarto ko. Hindi ko alam kung susunod ba ako sa kanya. Of course, susunod ako. Kailangan kong i-lock iyong pintuan.

“Thanks for the movies,” sabi niya.

I nodded. “No prob,” sagot ko na para bang ako iyong nag-shoot nung pelikula para pasalamatan niya ako.

He just smiled and did this weird roger sign bago lumabas. I didn’t know if I wanted him to kiss my forehead again or what. Or maybe not because that definitely made me feel things. I didn’t need that confusion.

---

Zion and I met up a couple of times more.

Some times, it’d be quick.

Literally, iyon pala ang ibig sabihin ng quickie. Meron kasing one time na dumaan lang siya sa condo before his meeting. He literally got in the condo, made me put my hands against the door, pulled my hips towards him, pulled my shorts and panties down, put the condom on, fucked me for good five minutes, threw the condom in the trash, said thanks, and then left.

Suffice to say, not a big fan of quickie.

“Saya mo, ah,” sabi ni Gem nung magkita kami.

I shrugged. “Saks lang.”

“So, kamusta na kayo ni French model?”

I shrugged again. “Okay naman.”

“May improvement ba?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s been what? Two months?”

“Three,” I corrected her.

Natawa siya. “Alam na alam, ah,” she commented but I just rolled my eyes at her. “Fubu pa rin kayo?” I nodded. “Okay ka lang sa ganon?”

I nodded although if I were being honest, of course I wanted more! Gustung-gusto ko kaya magtanong sa kanya minsan kung ano ang ginagawa niya, but I always stopped myself dahil hindi naman nagtatanong ng ganon kapag fuck buddy. I always had to remind myself kung ano ba ako.

“May question ako,” sabi niya.

“Mabu-bwisit ba ako sa tanong na ’yan?”

Natawa siya. “Feel ko,” sabi niya. “Pero itatanong ko pa rin,” she continued and I rolled my eyes. “Ano’ng gagawin mo kapag nagka-girlfriend siya?”

Bigla akong nawalan ng gana sa kinakain ko.

For some reason, bigla akong nanlamig na para bang sinabi ni Gem sa akin na magugunaw na ang mundo kinabukasan.

“I mean, curious lang… Nabasa ko kasi kanina na ‘why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?’ “

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “Kinukumpara mo ba ako sa baka?”

“You know what I mean!”

I remained silent. I had no right to be pissed at Gem because she’s asking the right questions—the questions I asked myself at night pero hindi ko masagot kasi nadidisappoint ako sa sarili ko tuwing maririnig ko kung ano iyong sagot ko.

That I liked him enough to allow this situation to continue.

That I liked him enough to just take whatever he could give me.

“I mean, bakit ka naman niya bibigyan ng label if nakukuha niya na iyong perks, right?”

“I can say the same,” sabi ko. “Nakukuha ko rin naman iyong perks sa kanya kahit ’di ko siya boyfriend.”

Napailing si Gem sa akin. “Bahala ka.”

I ended up silent the whole time. Hanggang sa makauwi ako sa condo ay masama lang iyong mood ko. Kaya naman nung magmessage si Zion nung ala una para itanong kung gising pa ako, I was hesitant na papuntahin siya rito dahil alam ko na wala ako sa mood at baka kung ano ang maitanong ko sa kanya.

But… Gem’s right.

I was not happy with the situation.

It’s been three months.

I’d be a fool kung papaabutin ko pa ng four months.

Me: I have a question

Zion5200: Shoot

Me: What are we

Zion5200: What do you mean

Me: Are we friends?

Zion5200: Guess so

Me: Friends who occasionally fuck?

Zion5200: Why the 20 questions

Me: Just curious

Zion5200: Okay why the sudden curiosity

Me: Because it’s been three months

Zion5200: And?

Oh, wow.

Zion5200: Look, I told you what’s the deal when we first met right

Hindi ko alam kung paano niya ako nagagawang paiyakin dahil lang sa chat niya. Mabuti na lang at hindi ko ginawa ’to sa personal dahil ayokong umiyak sa harapan niya. Ayokong magmakaawa sa harapan niya. Ayoko na maawa siya sa akin.

I deserve way better than that.

Me: Right

Zion5200: Are you mad

Me: No

Zion5200: You sure

Me: Yeah

Zion5200: You sound upset

Me: I’m not

Zion5200: Okay

Zion5200: Will I still see you or you want to stop?

I knew I would regret it… but I immediately removed him from my friends and deleted the app. I really needed to choose myself or I’d end up going crazy. 

**

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Chapter 07

Chapter 07

Sobrang pathetic lang na tuwing bababa ako sa lobby para kumuha ng delivery, may maliit na parte ng utak ko na umaasa na makikita ko roon si Zion.

And then I’d remember that I was the one who ended… whatever it was that we had.

I knew it was the right thing to do—self-preservation, sabi nila. Pero bakit parang hindi naman ako masaya? I still felt like shit. Parang mas maganda na pinagpatuloy ko na lang iyong sitwasyon namin. Because either way, I’d still feel like shit. The only difference was, I’d have way more fun with him.

‘Shut the fuck up, Arielle,’ I reminded myself.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pinagpatuloy iyong ginagawa ko. Initially, I wanted to go to Sagada, pero iniisip ko pa lang iyong layo nung byahe, tinamad na agad ako. Ayoko namang umuwi sa probinsya dahil magtatanong iyong pamilya ko dahil kakauwi ko lang tapos nandon na naman ako. ’Di ko naman pwedeng sabihin sa kanila na miss ko na sila dahil mas lalo silang magdududa. Hindi kasi ako affectionate na tao. Baka isipin pa ng nanay ko na may sakit ako kapag sinabi ko ’yon.

“Bakit kayo nandito?” I asked, a bit confused nang buksan ko iyong pinto at makita ko both si Gem and Nikki na nandon. Pareho pa silang may hawak na paper bag.

“Welfare check,” sabi ni Nikki. Tumango si Gem.

“Okay?”

“Two weeks ka na kaya na hindi nagpaparamdam,” sabi ni Gem. Si Nikki naman iyong tumango.

I just shrugged, but I widened the door para makapasok silang dalawa. It was just… weird. Nung tumawag iyong lobby para sabihin na nandito iyong kaibigan ko, I thought na si Gem iyon. Hindi ko alam na nandon din si Nikki. Hindi naman kasi sila close.

“Friends na kayo?” I asked.

“No,” sabi ni Nikki. Natawa ako kasi mukhang offended si Gem. “I was really supposed to visit you, but then I saw her sa lobby din.”

“Gem,” sabi ni Gem.

“What?” Nikki asked, confusion painted on her face.

“Name,” sabi ni Gem.

Nikki extended her hand. “My name’s Nikki,” sabi niya and Gem just groaned in annoyance. Mas mauuna pa ata akong mamatay kaysa magkasundo iyong dalawa na ’to.

Instead of listening to them argue (one way tho dahil si Gem lang naman ata ang naiinis), inilabas ko na lang iyong dala nilang pagkain. Kinuha ko rin iyong maliit kong table at saka binuksan iyon sa may carpet ko. May dala si Gem na dalawang burger at fries habang dalawang crab salad naman iyong dala ni Nikki.

“Kain na tayo,” I said.

Nasa isang side ako habang magkatabi sila sa kabilang side. I began to eat and ignored the fact that they were both staring at me. But after a while, na-conscious na rin ako. “What?”

“Are you okay, babe?” Nikki asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. Why not?” I asked as I grabbed another fries.

“I don’t know…”

“Okay?” I asked, confused.

“Are you sure?” she asked again, looking really worried.

Tumingin ako kay Gem. Mabilis siyang umiling at saka tinaas iyong dalawang kamay niya. “I swear, wala akong sinabi!”

Nikki looked at me again. “She didn’t say anything,” she said. “I just kinda figured it out.”

Nakakunot lang ang noo ko. What the fuck were we talking about? It wasn’t as if bago sa kanila na hindi ako nagparamdam. May mga panahon na mas gusto ko lang talaga mapag-isa. Nababasa ko naman iyong messages nila, but in my head, I categorized them as non-emergency. I mean, if importante talaga, magrereply naman ako.

“Figured out what?” I asked.

Nikki sighed. “You and Zion.”

Halos mabulunan ako sa kinakain ko na burger. Mabilis na inabutan ako ni Nikki ng tubig at ni Gem ng tissue. Pakiramdam ko ay mamamatay na ako sa pag-ubo ko. Lumapit si Nikki sa tabi ko at saka tinapik-tapik iyong likuran ko.

“Babe, it wasn’t as if you two were good at keeping it a secret,” sabi niya. “You were asking questions and Zion even posted a story with that beanbag as the background,” she continued and pointed at my beanbag.

Nang maka-recover ako, tumingin ako sa kanya. “That’s it?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Beanbag?” I asked dahil hindi ako makapaniwala na dahil lang sa beanbag?

She nodded again. “I mean, I had my suspicion, but you just did confirm it now,” she said.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Pinagpatuloy ko na lang iyong pagkain, hoping na mabulunan ulit ako at mamatay na dahil ayokong i-discuss ’to sa kanilang dalawa. Kasi parang tanga lang, ’di ba? Bakit ba ako nag-iinarte dahil kay Zion? Tama naman siya, e. He’d been very clear from the beginning na sex lang ang meron sa aming dalawa. Sinabi niya rin na ayaw niya sa virgin dahil naaattach. Lecheng ’yan! Totoo pala!

Kung meron mang may kasalanan dito, ako talaga ’yon.

“You wanna talk about it?” Nikki asked.

Umiling ako. “No.”

“Gusto mo i-trash talk?” Gem offered.

Natawa ako. “No,” sabi ko. “Di naman niya fault.”

“Don’t defend him,” Nikki said.

“I’m not,” I replied. “Also, ikaw kaya nagsabi sa akin na nagwowork lang iyong ganong set-up kapag clear iyong boundaries nung dalawa. Ako iyong nagstep-over. Dapat ako ang pagalitan mo,” I told her.

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, normally, I would. But you’re my best friend. Of course I’m on your side,” she said. “This is all Zion’s fault, that fucking prick.”

I wrinkled my nose. Hindi ako sanay na ganito. Ang drama namin, leche! Pahirap talaga ’tong mga lalaki sa buhay, e.

“Ano? Ikaw? Sinisisi mo rin si Zion?” I asked Gem habang naka-arko ang kilay ko.

Tumango siya. “Pesteng mga lalaki ’yan! Iinom natin ’yan!”

“Tama!” Nikki said in agreement.

“It’s 5PM,” I told them.

“Then pre-game,” Nikki said.

“Seriously?” I asked. She nodded. Tumingin ako kay Gem na hindi naman mahilig uminom. I mean, she’d drink but like rarely. Ni hindi pa nga ata kami nakakapaginumang dalawa. “Pati ikaw?”

Tumango si Gem. “This calls for a drinking session.”

Tumingin ako sa kanilang dalawa. They looked serious enough na mukhang hindi sila aalis dito sa condo ko hanggang hindi kami umiinom.

“Yeah, fine, sure, whatever,” I said, shrugging, as I stood up because we needed to buy drinks.

---

It was Gem’s idea to buy Soju and mix it with yakult. Siya rin iyong malakas ang loob magsabi na hindi naman daw ganoon katapang iyon. I finished half a bottle dahil may trabaho pa ako kinabukasan at alam ko sa sarili ko na wala akong pakinabang kapag may hangover. Si Nikki naman ay same silang dalawa ni Gem ng nainom—the only difference was that Nikki could hold her alcohol. Gem? Not so fucking much.

“Gem, ano ba,” sabi ko nung nagsisimula na naman siyang mag-twerk sa harap ng lamesa namin. Since Nikki’s kind of a social butterfuly, she managed to get us a table kahit medyo puno itong club. It was a Wednesday night pero ang daming tao.

“Let her have fun!” sabi ni Nikki na chini-cheer pa si Gem. Parang kanina lang hindi niya tanda iyong pangalan, e. Totoo talaga iyong sinabi nila na iba ang bond ng mga taong lasing. Kanina pa sila nag-iinuman ni Gem, e. Akala ko about me ’tong inuman pero parang mas nag-e-enjoy ’tong dalawa.

“Kapag ikaw nakuhanan ng video at nag-trend ka sa tiktok na nagttwerk,” sabi ko kay Gem.

“Why not! Ang galing ko kaya!” she said and then twerked harder. Inilagay niya pa iyong dalawang kamay niya against doon sa speaker. Pinagalitan siya nung bouncers. Ako pa iyong nag-sorry habang tawa lang nang tawa si Nikki.

I called Nikki’s attention and told her na bantayan si Gem dahil bibili lang ako ng tubig. I waited for Nikki to nod in agreement bago ako umalis. Kanina pa kaya siya d’yan nagvivideo. Buti na lang alam ko na kapag ganitong party, sa private snapchat lang naman nagpopost si Nikki.

“Thank you,” sabi ko nang makuha ko iyong water. Naka-running tab naman si Nikki dito. Mamaya ko na lang babayaran iyong utang ko sa kanya.

Pabalik na ako sa table nang bigla akong mapahinto nang may makita akong pamilyar na mukha.

I froze on my place.

Fuck.

Of all places!

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Should I leave? But why? Hindi naman siya ang may-ari ng lugar na ’to. Should I continue walking? I definitely should. Pero tanginang mga paa ’to, ayaw makipag-cooperate!

I kept on telling myself to suck it up and to just act like nothing happened… kasi wala naman talaga, ’di ba? Matanda na ako. We had sex, so what? A lot of adults have sex. It’s no big deal. Hindi niya naman alam na siya iyong una ko. As far as I was concerned, fuck girl ang tingin niya sa akin. He probably thinks that he’s just one of the guys I fucked. That I was used to… whatever we had.

‘But he knows you wanted more…’

Tanginang ’yan.

Maling-mali talaga na umaamin ka, e. Next time talaga, mamamatay muna ako bago ako umamin. Kasi gusto ko na lang kainin ako ng lupa ngayon kaysa magkasalubong kaming dalawa. Kasi pakiramdam ko ay wala akong mukhang maihaharap sa kanya pagkatapos kong tanungin kung ano kami at sabihin niyang wala.

Nakakahiya.

Nakakaubos ng pagkatao.

But I probably stood there a little too long.

“Do you know her?”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit sobrang lakas ng tugtog sa club na ’to ay nagawa ko pa ring marinig kung ano iyong sinabi nung babaeng katabi niya.

Alam ko hindi ako ganoon kaganda… pero ngayon lang ako nanliit sa sarili ko. Na para bang nawalan ako ng ipagmamalaki habang nakatingin sa babae na nakatayo sa tabi niya at nakahawak sa braso niya na mas maganda, mas sexy, mas matangkad kaysa sa akin.

Gusto kong matawa.

Bakit nga ba niya gugustuhin ng mas sa aming dalawa kung ganitong babae iyong nakapalibot sa kanya sa mundo niya?

Gusto ko nang umalis, pero hindi ko magawa habang nakatingin siya sa mga mata ko.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang tanga akong naghihintay sa susunod na gagawin niya at sasabihin.

I knew we were nothing… because he had been nothing but clear about it… so why did I feel my heart breaking as I watched him shook his head and deny that he knew me? 

**

This story is already at Chapter 13 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 08

Chapter 08

Nakatingin sa akin si Nikki at si Gem na para bang akong iyong pinaka-nakakaawang tao sa mundo. Siguro nga. Pero kasalanan ko rin naman. Bakit kasi ako nanatiling nakatayo roon? What was I expecting? Na lalapitan niya ako at kakausapin? Para saan? Ako naman iyong namblock sa kanya, ’di ba? Ako iyong kusang dumistansya kasi alam ko na hindi ako okay sa kung anuman iyong meron kami noon?

Kaya bakit ako nakakaawa?

It was my choice to begin with.

If anything, they should be proud of me… right?

“What?” I asked, starting to feel uncomfortable dahil sa paraan ng pagtingin nila sa akin.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Nikki said through gritted teeth. “I’m seriously gonna kill him.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya at umiling. “Please stop.”

“Why? He’s such an asshole!”

Huminga ako nang malalim habang binubuksan iyong bote ng tubig na dapat ay para sa kanila. Kaya lang ay parang mas kailangan ko ’tong tubig na ’to.

“Why?” I asked. “Wala naman siyang responsibilidad na kausapin ako.”

“Arielle—”

I shook my head and gave them both a small smile. “Wag na, please? Hindi worth it.”

Kahit labag sa loob ni Nikki ay tumango siya. “Okay…” she said. “Do you want to go home?”

“No,” sabi ko dahil bakit naman ako aalis dahil lang nandito siya?

“Okay,” she replied. “If you change your mind—”

“I won’t,” I said, cutting her off. “Just please continue drinking.”

“Okay…”

Gem wrinkled her nose. “Di naman ganon ka-gwapo in person,” she said and even made vomiting gestures. Natawa ako dahil obvious naman na nagsisinungaling siya to make me feel better. Zion could be a lot of thing but ugly’s not one of them. He’s objectively a very beautiful guy, that’s not up for discussion.

“Let’s switch,” sabi ni Nikki tapos bigla niya akong hinila. “There. Better,” she continued and Gem nodded in agreement. Nailing na lang ako sa ginawa nila. Alam ko naman na para iyon wala si Zion sa line of vision ko. I was thankful… kind of. Kasi parang malapit ko ng tusukin iyong mga mata ko para hindi ako mapa-tingin sa gawi niya.

Gem and Nikki kept on drinking that at one point, I was concerned dahil baka ma-alcohol poisoning na silang dalawa. Gusto ko na sanang umuwi dahil pagod na rin ako, but for some reason, I weirdly wanted to prove to them (or to myself) that I could co-exist with Zion. Pero ihing-ihi na rin ako at hindi ako makapunta sa CR kasi what if magkasalubong kami bigla? Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko at sasabihin. Mas pinili ko na halos sumabog na iyong pantog ko kaysa i-risk na makasalubong ko siya.

Really great decision making.

“I’m gonna introduce you to a lot of better guys,” halos isigaw ni Nikki sa akin kahit na kaharap ko lang naman siya.

“You’re drunk,” I said dahil mapungay na iyong mga mata niya. Akalain mo na nalalasing pala ’tong taong ’to? Akala ko talaga tubig na lang ang alak sa kanya, e. May kahinaan din pala.

“I am!” she admitted. “But I also am promising you that I’ll introduce you to better guys!” sabi niya na mas malakas.

“Boses mo,” I told her dahil for sure ay rinig na rinig na siya ng buong tao rito sa club kahit na malakas din iyong tugtog.

“Don’t care!” sigaw niya. “Do you want me to introduce you to hot guys, too?” tanong niya kay Gem.

Gem nodded—a little too enthusiastically. “Yes, please!”

“That’s what I want to hear!” Nikki said.

Napailing na lang ako habang pinipilit silang uminom ng tubig at pinipigilan na uminom dahil feeling ko talaga ay isang shot away na lang sila sa pagpunta namin sa emergency room.

At around 3AM, sa wakas ay napagod na rin sila. Gustung-gusto ko na ring umuwi dahil naiihi na ako. Medyo nabilib din ako sa bladder control ko. Mas nanaig iyong kaayawan ko na makasalubong si Zion kaysa ang pumunta sa CR.

“Bitiw,” sabi ni Gem sa akin.

“No,” I replied as I shook my head. Na-stress ako kanina dahil bigla siyang tumakbo! Mukha kaming tanga na naghahabulan sa parking lot. Si Nikki na imbes na tumulong ay nakaupo lang sa isang gilid at kinukuhanan kami ng video. Ngayon ko na-realize na hindi talaga dapat uminom si Gem dahil nakaka-stress siyang alagaan kapag lasing! Para akong nag-exercise, e.

“Please?”

“No—” sabi ko tapos napaawang iyong labi ko nang bigla niyang tanggalin iyong sapatos niya at ihagis iyon papunta roon sa may halaman. “Nakakaloka ka!” dugtong ko bago sabihin kay Nikki na bantayan si Gem dahil alangan namang sabay-sabay kaming maghanap sa may halaman nung sapatos ni Gem.

Patingin-tingin ako sa kanila habang naglalakad papunta sa may halaman. It was a shrubbery, so I really just hoped na walang hayop sa loob non. Kung masama lang talaga akong kaibigan e hahayaan kong umuwi na walang sapatos ’yang si Gem!

I was in the middle of looking for Cinderella’s missing shoe nang muli akong tumingin sa likuran ko para i-check lang kung buhay pa iyong mga kaibigan ko.

“Hey.”

Agad akong natigilan nang makita ko si Zion na nasa likuran ko. Fucking hell. Sa lahat naman ng posisyon na maaabutan niya ako, ngayon pa na naka-tuwad ako sa may harap ng halaman at naghahanap ng sapatos! I really couldn’t catch a break!

“Hey,” I replied, just repeating what he said.

Hindi ko alam kung tatayo ba ako o ibabalik ko iyong atensyon ko sa ginagawa ko. I didn’t know how to act in front of him! Bakit ba kasi siya nandito? Alas tres na kaya! Also, may kasama siyang iba kanina! Ano? Tapos na silang mag-sex kaya nandito siya ulit para humanap ng willing victim number two?

“You blocked me.”

Napaawang iyong labi ko sa sinabi niya. Wala man lang paligoy-ligoy. Diretso lang nagtanong. Mas lalo lang akong nailang sa posisyon ko na nakatuwad dito sa may damuhan.

I should really stand up para mabawasan naman iyong kahihiyan ko. Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumayo. Lecheng sapatos ’yan ni Gem.

“I did not block you,” sagot ko sa kanya.

He slightly arched his brow. “Really.”

“I removed you from my friends,” sabi ko.

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. I forced myself to not be intimidated by his stares… but fuck, it’s so hard when it felt like forever since I stared into those fucking eyes! Gusto ko na lang sampalin iyong sarili ko dahil para bang bumabalik ako sa mga panahon kung kailan ako nakatitig sa mga mata niya… habang hawak niya iyong mga kamay ko…

Get a fucking grip, Arielle!

“Why?” he asked, his head cocked to the side.

Gusto kong sigawan iyong mga kaibigan ko na kung may panahon man para umepal, ngayon ’yon! Kasi ano ang sasabihin ko kay Zion? Na kailangan kong mawala siya sa paningin ko? Na out of sight, out of mind? Na kailangan kong mag-move on? Pero bakit? Ano ang imu-move on ko e wala namang kami?

“Do I have to have a reason?” sabi ko dahil wala akong maisip na dahilan na kaya kong sabihin sa harapan niya.

“Preferably, yes,” sabi niya.

I bit my tongue to stop myself from asking him why kasi alam ko naman na wala akong makukuhang sagot na magugustuhan ko mula sa kanya. I wasn’t the cool, unattached girl that he probably thought I was. I wasn’t . But I could pretend.

“Sorry to disappoint, then,” I said. Muli akong tumalikod para hanapin iyong sapatos ni Gem. Pero bago pa man ako makagalaw ay muli siyang nagsalita.

“You removed me from friends because of nothing?” he asked like he wanted me to say something but he couldn’t get it out of me.

“Yes.”

“Hard to believe.”

“Not my fault then.”

“So, that’s just it?” he asked.

“Probably, yeah,” I replied. Every word felt like nail being pulled out of me. Kasi kung sa totoo lang, gusto kong ibalik ’yong dati. Kasi tangina, pareho lang naman iyong nararamdaman ko. Pero alam ko na ito iyong kailangan kong gawin.

Fuck being rational and logical—hindi masaya.

“Finally,” I uttered under my breath nang makita ko iyong sapatos ni Gem. I picked it up. I turned around and saw that he was still standing there, looking at me.

“It was fun while it lasted,” I said as I took a deep breath and offered him my hand, for some goddamn reason.

Nakatitig siya sa kamay ko. Isa-isa kong binibilang sa isip ko ang bawat segundo na lumilipas sa pagitan namin. I wanted to pull my hand away, but a small part of me was still yearning to feel the touch of his skin against mine.

God, I was so deep in this shit.

“Okay, then—” I said as ten seconds passed and he was still not accepting my hand. Pero bago ko pa man iyon mabawi ay mabilis niyang tinanggap iyong kamay ko.

But it wasn’t one of those handshakes.

He took my hand and held it.

All while staring into my eyes.

“It was fun,” he said.

“It was,” I replied.

“Will I still see you around?” he asked.

“Probably not,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil gagawin ko lahat ng paraan para hindi kami magkita. Dahil isang tingin lang sa akin ng mga matang ’yan ay parang bumabalik lang ako sa simula. Paulit-ulit. Nakakapagod.

“But what if I see you?”

“What if you see me?”

“Can I say hi?”

“Preferably not,” I said.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll pretend that I don’t know you?” he asked. I nodded. “Won’t that be lying?”

I shrugged. “People sometimes lie,” I said. “Like how you did earlier,” I continued without missing a beat. Nakita ko na napaawang iyong labi niya. At nang makita ko na magsasalita pa siyang muli, mabilis akong ngumiti sa kanya matapos kong humugot ng malalim na hininga.

I took a step back.

Put some distance between us.

“It’s kind of funny, if you think about it,” sabi ko habang nakatingin sa kanya. Nakangiti ako, pero walang bakas ng ngiti sa mukha niya. “We first met in a club… and we sort of ended in a club. Like the circle of life.”

I hated his silence when he’s staring at me like that.

“It’s really been nice knowing you, Zion,” I genuinely said.

Because it had been nice no matter how short it was.

I hated how we ended, but the journey had been worth it.

“Was it not nice knowing me?” I asked him when he said nothing.

“It was,” he said.

“Great—”

“Have a great life, Arielle,” he said, cutting me off and walking away. 

**

This story is already at Chapter  14 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 09

Chapter 09

“No,” I said for the third time. Nandito ngayon sina Gem at Nikki (weirdly enough, my situation brought them closer) para dalhin ako sa isang party kung saan ipapakilala ako sa mga lalaki. I already said no sa Instagram, sa text message, at ngayon, sa personal. Kung may alam lang akong ibang language bukod sa Tagalog at English, malamang sinabi ko na rin ’yon sa kanila.

“Sige na, please?”

Umirap ako kay Gem. “Gusto mo lang makakita ng gwapo, e.”

“Duh!” sabi niya.

“Kayo na lang.”

“Ikaw nga ’yung main agenda, e,” sabi ni Gem at tumango naman si Nikki. Ang weird talaga na sa tinagal-tagal na kaibigan ko silang dalawa, ngayon lang sila naging friends. Kung meron mang magandang nangyari sa whole Zion debacle ko, ito siguro ’yon. Well, at least merong magandang nangyari.

“Wala ako sa mood uminom,” I said.

“You don’t have to drink,” Nikki said. “Duh. When did I ever force you to drink?”

I rolled my eyes. Never niya naman talaga ako pinilit uminom. Nagagalit pa nga ’yan kapag may kaibigan siya na pinipilit ako uminom, e. For her, no means no. Also, you don’t need alcohol to have fun. True naman. Mas madalas kasi na nakakairita kapag lasing. Although meron din namang mga fun kasama kapag lasing na.

“Kayo na lang. Pass muna ako.”

“I promise Zion won’t be there.”

I hated how my body had this… reaction at the mention of his name. It had been a whole week since he told me to have a good life. If any, he wished me something good. Dapat matuwa ako doon, ’di ba? It wasn’t as if he cursed me to live a miserable life.

“Please?” Nikki asked.

“Di bagay sa ’yo,” sabi ko kasi nagpa-cute pa siya.

Umirap siya sa akin. “Please na kasi!” she said, more like her speed dahil mas brat siya kaysa pa-cute.

“San nga ulit?”

“Pob,” she said.

“Fine,” I replied since malapit lang naman ’yon saka may kainan ng tacos doon na gusto ko. Takasan ko na lang ’tong si Nikki at Gem kapag nakakita ako ng tyempo.

Sobrang mukhang tanga silang dalawa dahil tumambay sila sa condo ko hanggang kailangan na naming umalis. Pinakuha nila ako ng susuotin ko tapos pumunta kami sa condo ni Nikki para doon mag-ayos. I wasn’t really planning on dressing up, but Nikki said that as my friend, she would never let me be around hot guys na hindi nakaayos. She said like it’s a mortal sin.

“So cute,” sabi niya habang kinukuhanan ako ng video.

I tried to cover the camera of her phone. “Wag nga,” I said kasi malay ko ba kung naka-follow sa kanya si Zion? ’Di naman sa assumera ako na interesado siya sa ganap sa buhay ko, but still. Ayoko lang na aware siya sa mga ginagawa ko. Pwede ba ’yon?

“You look so hot,” Nikki said and Gem gave me thumbs up, too. Feel ko ay bumalik ako sa 2000s era dahil sa flare jeans at black fitted halter neck top na pinasuot sa akin ni Nikki. Na-stress din ako na kumasya sa akin ’yung pantalon niya! Normal na skinny jeans lang kasi iyong dala ko, pero pina-try niya sa akin ’to. ’Di naman ako nag-diet kaya bakit ako pumayat?

Feeling ko rin ay pwede na akong maging disco ball dahil nilagyan niya ng glitters iyong shoulder blades ko pati iyong eyelids ko. ’Di ko alam kung themed party ba ’tong pupuntahan namin. Tinatamad na akong magtanong dahil parang no choice naman ako kung hindi ang pumunta.

We booked a ride to the place. Dahil social butterfly ’tong kaibigan ko ay mabilis kaming nakapasok sa loob with matching table pa. Napatingin ako kay Gem nang sikuhin niya ako.

“Ano?” tanong ko habang medyo idinikit ko iyong tenga ko sa kanya dahil sa lakas ng tugtog dito sa club. It was only 10PM pero ang dami ng tao. Siguro ay dahil Friday night?

“Daming gwapo!” she said.

Natawa ako dahil totoo naman. Alam ko naman na matagal ng gusto ni Gem na sumama sa mga ganap ni Nikki. She’d always ask about the parties, the models, the teas, but she never once asked me kung pwede siyang sumama. Weird din naman sa akin na isama siya kasi sinasama lang din naman ako ni Nikki. I was glad na mukhang friends na silang dalawa at hindi ko na kailangang maging awkward bridge sa pagitan nila.

“Sabihin mo kay Nik na ipakilala ka,” I told her.

“Ikaw iyong mission tonight!”

Umirap ako dahil kanina pa nila sinasabi ’yan pero sana talaga ay hindi nila gawin dahil wala ako sa mood makipagkapwa-tao ngayon.

True to Nikki’s word, she introduced me to a lot of guys. Normally, I was pretty good at remembering names (but then again kasi konti lang naman ang nakakausap ko talaga madalas), but tonight? I lost count ng mga pinakilala sa akin ni Nikki. And she’s right—they’re all hot.

“So?” Nikki asked.

Nasa loob kami ng restroom. She locked the door kaya kanina pa may kumakatok sa labas. Nikki remained unfazed habang inaayos niya iyong makeup niya sa harap ng salamin.

“So?” I asked back.

“Who do you like?”

“What?”

“I introduced you to almost everyone I know!” sabi niya. “It’s impossible that you didn’t like at least one.”

“Nik—”

“Come on. Zion can’t be all that,” she said. “Maybe the dick’s good, but every guy has a dick, Arielle. Every dick is replaceable.”

This… was a weird conversation.

“It’s not that,” sabi ko sa kanya. “Also, nasaan si Gem?”

Nikki waved her hand. “Probably falling in love,” she said. Nanlaki iyong mata ko. “She’s with Erick. Don’t worry, she’s in good hands, I promise,” she continued. “I won’t leave her there if I didn’t trust the guy, okay?”

I looked at Nikki. Mukhang seryoso naman siya sa sinabi niya. Hindi rin naman uminom si Gem. Okay. Ayoko lang na iwan siya rito. Nambabato pa naman ’yon kapag lasing. Mamaya may batuhin dito bigla ’yon, e.

“So?” she asked.

I sighed. Mukhang hindi ko matatakasan ’tong usapan na ’to dahil literal na ni-lock ni Nikki kaming dalawa dito sa CR.

“So?” I asked again dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto niyang marinig mula sa akin.

“No one? You really didn’t find anyone cute?”

“They are cute,” I said. “Hot, even,” dugtong ko. “It’s just that…” sabi ko at saka huminga nang malalim at nagbuntung-hininga. “It’s weird lang… Hindi naman naging kami but alam mo ’yon? Para akong nakipag-break.”

It was a bit humiliating to be telling a living soul this. Kasi bakit ba ako nasasaktan e literal na wala namang kaming dalawa ni Zion? We never even went on a date. Considered as date ba iyong nanood kami ng movie? Hindi naman, ’di ba? Mabibilang ko rin sa daliri ko iyong mga panahon na nag-usap kami. Alam ko nga rin lahat ng pinagusapan namin, e.

Kasi konti lang naman.

Pero kahit konti, bakit parang ang daming naiwan sa akin?

“You romanticized him inside your head, babe,” sabi ni Nikki sa akin. Sinara niya na iyong compact powder niya at tumingin sa akin. Naka-sandal siya sa may counter. “That’s the thing with situationship—especially ones that ended quickly. There’s a lot of what ifs and what could’ve beens. I think it’s why it hurts more. There were lots of possibilities. And we tend to romanticize those possibilities.”

I looked at my feet.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin.

I just felt… so lost.

And for no reason.

It’s so fucking embarrassing to be feeling this way.

“He’s not all that,” she said.

“What if he is?” I asked. “I mean, I didn’t really know him, right? So what if he is all that?”

Nikki gave me a small smile and shrugged. “Live and learn, babe,” she said and then went for a hug. “He is your first guy, right?” she asked and I nodded. “You’ll handle the next one better, I promise.”

“Ayoko muna ng lalaki,” sabi ko habang parang tangang magkayakap pa rin kami. Kaya minsan nabalita na magjowa kami, e.

“Not even the hot guys here?” she asked.

“I think I’m done with models,” sabi ko. Nase-stress din ako kasi lagi ko nacocompare iyong sarili ko kasi alam ko na literal na diyosa iyong mga kaibigan at nakakasama nila sa trabaho. Hindi siya maganda para sa mental health.

“Fine,” she said, groaning. “I’ll ask my brother if he has any single friend,” she continued at natawa ako dahil hindi sila close ng kuya niyang doctor. Actually, hindi siya close sa family niya dahil siya iyong nagdecide na magmodel habang puro doctor iyong mga kapatid at parents niya.

Nikki retouched my makeup kahit sa opinyon ko ay okay pa naman iyong itsura ko. Paglabas namin, nakita namin si Gem na nasa couch at katabi iyong Erick na sinasabi ni Nikki. They’re just talking, but kita ko mula sa pwesto ko iyong kilig ni Gem. Nice! At least may magandang ganap ngayong gabi.

I tried to stay for a little longer, but at around 1AM, nagsabi na ako na uuwi na ako. I asked Gem kung gusto niya ng umuwi, but she looked like she’s having fun. Nikki assured me na babantayan niya si Gem, so napanatag ako na iwan doon si Gem.

For some reason, a small part of me was hoping na makasalubong ko si Zion sa labas. But this was probably why Nikki opted to go to Poblacion instead of BGC. Mukhang sa BGC madalas si Zion, e.

God, I hated that I know a lot of things about him habang siya ay mukhang pangalan at address ko lang ang alam.

Pagbalik ko sa Greenfield, instead na pumasok na ako sa condo ko ay napagdesisyunan ko na maglakad-lakad muna. I wanted to tell myself na gusto ko lang magpahangin, pero sino ba ang niloloko ko? Alam ko na dito lang din sa area na ’to nakatira si Zion. May desperadang parte ng utak ko ang nagsasabi na baka magkasalubong kami.

Mukha na talaga akong tanga.

“Last na ’to,” sabi ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad ako. “Last na ’to, Arielle. Bukas, umayos ka na. Mukha ka na talagang tanga. ’Di ka ba nahihiya? Daig mo pa nakipagbreak sa boyfriend, e! Masyado kang nagalingan kay Zion. Malay mo ba kung below average naman pala talaga siya? Hindi mo lang alam dahil wala ka namang point of comparison—”

Pero agad akong natigilan sa monologue ko nang bigla akong may makabanggaan na lalaki at bigla akong napasabi ng “What the fuck” sa harapan niya dahil literal na… what the fuck? Bakit ang gwapo niya?! Anong klaseng mukha ’yan?!

**

This story is already at Chapter 15 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Alam mo iyong parang nag-slow motion iyong paligid mo habang nakatingin ka sa bawat galaw nung tao sa harapan mo? Ganoon iyong pakiramdam ko habang nakatingin ako rito sa lalaki na ’to. Oh, my god. He looked surreal. I had this weird urge para sundutin iyong pisngi niya just to check kung tao ba siya o baka lasing lang ako at nagha-hallucinate? Pero hindi naman ako uminom kaya ang weird naman kung lasing ako?

He was probably thinking that I was weird dahil titig na titig ako sa kanya. He was wearing his gray airpod max at tinanggal iyon at sinabit sa may leeg niya. I wanted to look at what he was wearing to check him out, but even me thought that that would already be pushing the is she weird scale.

“Hey, I’m so sorry,” sabi niya kahit pakiramdam ko ay ako iyong nakabangga sa kanya dahil sa internal monologue ko about kay Zion.

I shook my head. “No, it was my fault,” I replied. “I wasn’t looking. I’m sorry.”

Dahil nagka-bungguan kami, he was standing just a few inches away from me. I had to tilt my head up just to look at his gorgeous, gorgeous face.

What the fuck was was this place? Bakit parang ang daming gwapong nakatira? Should I extend my lease?

“Both our fault then,” he said with a smile. He has a very cute smile. Alam mo iyong tipo na parang ang friendly niya? Ganoon iyong dating niya compared kay Zion na minsan parang may masamang gagawin sa ’yo.

“Fabian,” he said.

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. In my mind, I knew that he was introducing himself to me and that I should say my name, too, and introduce myself to him, but for some reason, it was like my brain was short circuiting.

“Okay,” he added with a smile. “Nice meeting you and sorry again for the inconvenience,” he continued, put his airpods back on, and then walked away.

Why couldn’t I just say my name?! It wasn’t that hard?!

---

The next day—rather, a few hours later kasi bandang alas cinco ng hapon—ay pumunta si Gem sa condo ko. Ngiting-ngiti si gaga. Mukhang may nangyaring maganda nung iwan ko siya sa may club.

“What?” sabi niya.

Nasa may sala kami at parehong nakaupo sa may sahig. Nasa gitna naming dalawa iyong maliit kong lamesa. Sakto kasi na kakatapos ko lang magluto ng late lunch slash early dinner nung dumating siya. Inalok ko naman siya kung gutom siya, but she said na hindi.

“Nothing,” sagot ko. “Hinihintay lang kitang magkwento.”

“Wala akong iku-kwento,” mabilis na sagot niya.

I shrugged. “Okay,” sabi ko na lang pero ramdam na ramdam ko na gustung-gusto niya na magkwento, but at the same time, ayoko siyang pilitin na magkwento. Ayoko kasi kapag pinipilit niya akong magkwento, so I was just doing what I wanted her to do with me. I mean, okay lang naman din na ginagawa niya ’yon, pero mas preferred ko lang na hintayin niya akong magkwento on my own.

“Fine,” she said and then sobrang animated niyang magkwento tungkol sa mga nangyari sa kanya. Apparently after the club ay naglakad pa silang dalawa around Poblacion tapos ay nakakita sila ng fishball stand. Hindi pa pala nakaka-kain si Erick non, so Gem urged him to eat. Nagkwentuhan sila habang kumakain doon tapos ay napadpad sila sa second floor ng Wendy’s at doon nagkwentuhan hanggang sa sumikat ang araw at naghiwalay na silang dalawa.

“Kilig ka?” I asked in a teasing tone.

“Hindi, ah,” she said like it was offending na kiligin siya.

Natawa ako. “Kailan kayo magkikita ulit?”

Umirap siya. “Sa Sunday.”

Ang lakas ng tawa ko kasi parang hiyang-hiya pa siya. I was happy for her. I mean, of course I wish na sana ako rin ganoon, but gusto ko na lang maniwala na everything happens for a reason. Iyong hangups ko kay Zion? There’s a reason for that. Doon na lang talaga ako naniniwala kasi kung iisipin ko na kagagawan ko lahat ng problema ko, I’d end up hating myself kasi tanginang decision making skills ’yan?

“Ikaw? May nangyari ba sa ’yo after mo umalis?”

“Wala naman,” I said. She nodded her head like she was expecting something. “Bakit?”

She shrugged. “Wala lang. Baka biglang nakasalubong mo.”

“Bakit ko naman makakasalubong ’yon?”

She shrugged again. “Malay ko.”

“Sa BGC puma-party ’yon.”

“Bakit? Banned ba siya sa Makati at hindi siya pwedeng pumarty doon?” she asked with an arched brow.

“Malay ko,” sagot ko ulit kasi nga wala naman akong alam sa buhay ni Zion. Kaya nga mas frustrating talaga na ang laki ng hangups ko sa tao na basically ay stranger sa akin. Mas kilala ko pa ata iyong katawan niya kaysa sa pagkatao niya. How embarrassing was that!

Tumango-tango lang siya. Napakunot naman ang noo ko.

“Bakit?” I asked kasi parang may something.

“Wala,” sabi niya na umiiling-iling pa.

“Okay…” sabi ko but I looked suspiciously at her.

“Pero seryoso, wala ka ngang nakilala kagabi?” she asked again.

“Sinundan ba ako ni Nikki after ko makauwi?” tanong ko sa kanya kasi bakit parang alam niya iyong nangyari kagabi na katangahan ko? Also kung nandoon si Nikki, she should’ve intervened! Pero kung nandoon si Nikki, baka hindi rin ako mapansin nung lalaki kasi aminado naman ako na maganda iyong kaibigan ko na ’yon. Alam mo ’yung mahal ko naman siya pero at the same time kapag nasa labas kami, I felt… lacking. At least physically. Hindi niya naman fault ’yon. Siguro kaya na rin for the longest time ay wala akong love life. Lagi ko kasi naiisip na hindi ako maganda or attractive enough for that. Siguro kaya rin hanggang ngayon ang laki ng panghihinayang ko kay Zion kasi iyon iyong unang lalaki na nagbigay sa akin ng atensyon no matter how short and probably lacking. Kasi alam mo ’yon? Kilala niya rin si Nikki but he still chose me?

God, ang pathetic ko.

“Hindi, ah. Kulang na nga lang magpaka-paparazzi ’yon, e,” sabi niya kasi sa kwento niya ay laging nasa tabi lang nila si Nikki na hindi naman nagsasalita din. Masyadong sineryoso iyong sinabi ko sa kanya.

Tumango na lang ako, but too late dahil mukhang nagduda na siya na may hindi ako sinasabi.

“Bakit? May nakilala ka nga kagabi? Sino? Or si he who shall not be named ba ulit?”

Umirap ako. “He who shall not be named ka d’yan,” sabi ko. “Hindi ko nga nakita si Zion,” I continued.

“E sino nga?” she pressed on.

I shrugged. “Fabian.”

“Sino ’yan? New character? New love interest?”

Umiling ako. “No. Literal na nakasalubong ko lang kagabi.”

“E bakit alam mo name?” she asked tapos sinabi ko iyong nangyari kagabi at kahit na nasa magkabilang dulo kami ng lamesa ay nagawa niya akong abutin at hampasin. Ang sakit talaga mang hampas nito! “Arielle naman!”

“E hindi nga ako nakapagsalita!”

“Ano ba ’yan!”

“Bakit ba mas nanghihinayang ka pa sa akin?”

“Syempre!” sabi niya. “Kailangan mo ng bagong lalaki para kapag nakita mo ulit iyong Zion na ’yon ay makita niya na hindi lang siya ang nagiisang lalaki sa mundo.”

I simply shrugged. Wala naman na akong balak makita si Zion kahit na sa iisang neighborhood lang kami nakatira. Hindi naman ako lumalabas palagi. Hindi muna rin ako pupunta sa BGC para magparty. Gets naman ni Nikki ’yon. I mean, there’s really no reason for our paths to cross.

We’re simply… history.

Tapos na.

Hanggang reminisce na lang ang pwede kong gawin.

“Anong oras ka naglakad kagabi?”

“Around 2?”

“Lakad ka ulit baka makasalubong mo.”

“Are you suggesting na maglakad-lakad ako sa labas ng alas dos ng madaling araw?” She nodded. “Baliw ka ba?”

“Bakit? Relatively safe naman dito sa Greenfield,” sabi niya na para bang sa utak niya ay magandang idea iyong sinabi niya sa akin. Parang tanga talaga ’to minsan.

“Hindi meant to be,” sabi ko na lang.

“Parang tanga. Ano? Porke ’di nagwork with Zion, ayaw mo na?”

“No. Ayoko lang ngayon. Tinatamad ako.”

I just realized na ako iyong klase ng tao na kapag nagka-gusto ako sa isang tao, I tend to overthink everything to the point of almost being obsessed with them. I felt like I was always fighting against myself na ’wag tignan iyong social media ni Zion because I knew that I would just be feeding my curiosity.

It was tiring.

Nakakapagod magka-feelings.

“Bahala ka,” she said.

“Thank you,” I replied dahil finally nag-give up na siya.

“What if na lang makita mo ulit?”

“Hindi ako maglalakad ng alas dos.”

Umirap siya. “E ’di sa hapon? Hindi naman siguro bampira iyon na sa gabi lang nagpapakita,” she said sarcastically. “Magpapakilala ka na?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Siguro. Kapag naalala niya pa ako,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil gabi na rin noon at baka hindi niya na ako tanda. Ayoko naman magpakilala lang tapos hindi niya pala ako naaalala. Ang awkward lang at saka feel ko at least for a few years ay quota na ako sa kahihiyan courtesy of Zion.

---

I was aware that I was doing a lot of things to distract myself from thinking about Zion. Kung anu-ano na iyong napanood ko at nabasa just to remind myself na ’wag na ’wag akong magmemessage sa kanya. I mean, I already blocked him sa Snapchat but my stupid mind knew that I could always unblock him and message him.

Tangina talaga ng technology minsan! Mas pinapadali gawin kang mukhang tanga, e.

In the end, napadpad ako sa YouTube channel ni TheWizardLiz at nanood ng mga videos doon. I mean, alam ko naman na iyong mga sinasabi niya… but I felt like I needed to be reminded kasi minsan nalilimutan ko.

I wrote down some of what she said at inilagay ko iyon sa may harap ng workspace ko para naman mahimasmasan ako tuwing nate-tempt ako na i-stalk si Zion online.

‘Are we playing a game? Like how much more can you embarrass yourself in front of him?’

‘He sees your message and did not reply? How disrespectful is that?’

‘This person does not want you. Don’t you get it?’

‘You’re confused because he doesn’t want you.’

Sana naman matauhan na ako.

He’s a guy, but he’s not the guy.

I’d been consuming a lot of self-love content and because of this, I decided na mag-sign up sa gym. Gusto ko iyong may trainor para naman ma-pressure ako at mahiya. Ang tagal ko na kasi gusto talaga mag-workout. Pakiramdam ko ay ito na ang tamang panahon.

Maraming gym na malapit sa condo. At one point, I was so tempted na i-message si Nikki to maybe stalk kung saan iyong gym ni Zion para naman maiwasan ko iyon. Mamaya mag-signup ako for one year membership tapos parang tanga na naka-base iyong schedule ko sa kung kailan siya wala sa gym.

But then again, I felt na inevitable na magkikita kami. Sana lang kapag nagkita kami ay okay na ako. Feel ko naman ay 40% okay na ako.

I checked out different gyms, but so far, ayoko roon sa commercialized masyado dahil ang daming tao. Parang ang hectic. Medyo na-pressure din ako na ang gaganda nung mga babae. Like kailangan ko ba na magmakeup bago mag-gym? Hindi ba weird lang kasi papawisan naman din ako? I had so many questions.

Last na pupuntahan ko iyong gym na ten minute walk from my condo. Bigla lang siyang nag-appear sa Facebook ads ko. I checked the photos at mukhang okay naman. I just wanted to see it in person bago ako mag-signup.

The place was well-lit and it looked clean. Hindi rin siya ganoon kalaki, pero hindi rin naman maliit. Wala ring masyadong tao pero baka dahil umaga ako pumunta. Either way, I liked this more than the other gyms I visited.

“Ito po ’yung locker area—” sabi nung receptionist nang matigilan ako dahil bigla kong nakasalubong si Fabian. He was wearing a gray wifebeater, black shorts, white shoes, at iyong airpods niya. He was looking at me with his forehead creased a little na para bang inaalala niya kung saan niya ako nakita.

What a fucking small world.

**

This story is already at Chapter 16 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I didn’t know if I should help him out na maalala kung saan niya ako nakita. I could see him trying really hard to remember kung saang lugar niya ako nakita. I didn’t know if I should feel offended or flattered—na alam niya na nakita niya ako o sobrang forgettable ng mukha ko? Because I knew exactly kung saan ko siya nakita—timeframe, even!

Pero bago pa man ako makapagsalita (o mapahiya iyong sarili ko, dealer’s choice at this point, really), nagpatuloy na sa gym tour iyong receptionist na kasama ko. She pointed out at the different equipment na pwede kong gamitin. She also told me the peak hours para kung gusto kong mag-exercise na wala masyadong tao.

“Pwedeng magtanong?”

“Yes, ma’am,” sagot sa akin nung receptionist.

“Yung lalaki kanina—”

“Si Sir Fabian?” sabi niya agad kahit hindi pa ako natatapos sa tanong ko. Bahagya siyang natawa dahil medyo nagulat ako. Napaka-receptive naman nitong tao! “Gwapo noh, ma’am?”

I nodded. “Yeah…” sabi ko dahil hindi naman ako bulag. Literal na napa-nganga nga ata ako nung una kong makita ’yon, e. “Uh… dito siya nag-gym?”

“Minsan,” sagot niya. “Palipat-lipat ’yon, ma’aam, e. Minsan dito, minsan sa AF, minsan sa Gold’s.”

“Bakit alam mo?” I asked in a teasing tone.

Natawa siya. “Mabait naman ’yon, ma’am. Try mo kausapin.”

“Crush mo?”

“May asawa na ako, ma’am!” sabi niya na natatawa.

“Di mo dineny na crush mo?”

Natawa ulit siya. “Gwapo talaga, ma’am, e,” she said tapos sabay kaming napa-tingin kay Fabian na nasa lat pull down machine. Fuck… damn those muscles on his back. Parang ang sarap—

Dear God! Umagang-umaga, kung ano na agad ang naiisip ko! Tahimik na nag-e-exercise lang naman iyong tao tapos pinag-iisipan ko na ng kung anu-ano!

Pagbalik namin sa mismong reception, I was asked na kung magsisignup ba ako. I signed up for a month muna. I was actually tempted to signup for a year para ma-force ako na mag-gym talaga, but then again, paano kung manaig iyong katamaran ko? E ’di nagsayang lang ako ng pera.

“Pwede na kayo mag-start ngayon, ma’am,” sabi sa akin.

“Di ako naka-workout outfit,” sagot ko kasi naka-leggings lang ako, white shirt, at converse.

“Pwede na ’yan, ma’am. Mahalaga nagpapapawis.”

I was actually tempted na mag-workout but mas nanaig sa akin iyong fact na wala naman akong alam sa gym kaya baka magmukha lang akong tanga. Buti sana kung ako lang tao rito or at least wala si Fabian. Mas nakakahiya kaya kapag alam mo na may gwapo sa paligid mo. Parang iyong kahihiyan e nagiging triple bigla!

Nagpaalam na ako sa kanya na bukas na lang ako babalik tapos baka kumuha ako ng trainer for the first two sessions para lang alam ko iyong gagawin ko. Pwede naman ako mag-youtube kaya lang wala akong tiwala sa sarili ko. Tapos ay pumunta ako sa CR pero paglabas ko, agad na naman akong natigilan nang makasalubong ko si Fabian. Suddenly, the hallway felt smaller habang magkaharap kaming dalawa.

Damn, he’s tall and gorgeous!

“This is going to sound weird,” he said while I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights habang nakatingin sa kanya. He probably just finished his workout and he was holding a small towel. His shoulder blades were still glistening from that post workout glow.

“W-what?” I asked dahil hindi ko masyadong narinig iyong sinabi niya dahil nakatingin ako sa mga braso niya. Iyan na siguro ang pinakamagandang braso na nakita ko sa buong buhay ko.

“Have we met before?” he asked. Napatingin ako sa kanya. “This is not a pickup line,” he quickly added na para bang nagpanic siya dahil baka iniisip ko na nilalandi niya ako. Rude. “I just feel like I’ve seen you before, but I can’t remember where.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya ng ilang segundo. Sasabihin ko ba kung saan kami nagkita? But then again he’d probably remember how weird I was that night!

I decided to just shrug. “Maybe,” I replied. “I live in this area. Maybe you’d seen me around here?”

His forehead was still creased. He probably believed my answer pero hindi niya rin naman ako maalala talaga. ’Di ko na problema kung hindi ganoon ako ka-memorable sa kanya.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay,” I said, too, mimicking him for some reason.

Nakatayo lang ako roon. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Being friends with Nikki, I was used to being around hot guys… but for some reason, this man was making my brain glitch! Suddenly, I did not know how to act.

“Can I?” he asked, motioning na gumalaw ako dahil nakaharang ako sa daan. This was not a big hallway.

“Y-yeah,” I replied. I just really kept on embarrassing myself in front of this man!

“Thanks,” he said with a small smile bago ako lagpasan at pumunta na siya pabalik doon sa may gym area.

For a second, I debated with myself if I would stay here, but based on my track record with him, alam ko na bibigyan ko lang ng bagong kahihiyan iyong sarili ko kaya naman nag-decide na lang ako na umuwi. I mean, gwapo ba si Fabian? Definitely. But if there’s anything I learned with Zion, delikado rin iyong mga gwapo. But then again, sabi nga ni Gem, kung masasaktan na lang din ako, e ’di sa gwapo na. Pero paano naman kung ayokong masaktan? Hindi kaya masayang masaktan. Some days, I’d wonder kung pangit ba ako o kung anuman.

I hated that it was never about the guy but always about what’s wrong with me.

I decided to go to the gym tomorrow. Nagtanong na rin ako ng schedule nung trainer. In the meantime, I focused on my work. Hindi naman pwede na malungkot na ako, wala pa akong pera. Sabi nga ni Gem, pick a struggle. Hindi pwedeng both kasi mas kawawa naman ako.

6AM ako sakto dumating sa may gym since iyon iyong earliest na sched available. Some pop music was blasting at rinig ko iyon kahit sa reception pa lang. I greeted the receptionist and I was given the key to my locker. Sinabi sa akin na wala pa iyong coach ko, but that was fine since alam ko na maaga pa naman din.

“Shit,” I uttered nang makita ko si Fabio sa isa sa mga machine. His back was facing me pero sigurado ako na siya iyon. I mean, look at those back muscles! Alam ko na siya iyon!

Huminga ako nang malalim.

‘Okay, Arielle. Kumalma ka lang. Hindi ka naman pumunta rito para sa kanya. Nandito ka para mag-workout. Nandito ka kasi mukhang kulang pa iyong trabaho mo dahil may time ka pa mag-wonder tungkol kay Zion,’ I reminded myself.

Muli akong huminga nang malalim.

Tumingin ako sa mga machines. They looked so intimidating. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong gagawin. Nasaan na ba kasi iyong coach ko?

I was standing there with my phone dahil tinitignan ko sa Youtube kung paano sila gamitin nang mag-angat ako ng tingin at mapansin ko na naka-tingin sa akin si Fabian.

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

How was this fair?! Pinagpapawisan na siya, magulo ang buhok at lahat pero ang gwapo pa rin?!

“You need help?” he asked.

Did I really look that helpless? Halata bang ngayon lang ako nakatapak sa gym? Sabihin ko na ba sa kanya? Mas okay ’yon, right? Kasi kapag dumating si coach mamaya, malalaman niya rin naman na wala akong alam? Kaysa naman magpanggap ako tapos mukha lang din akong tanga?

“Actually… yes,” I replied. “The coach isn’t here yet. I don’t know if there’s something I can do while waiting or if I should just sit.”

He slightly parted the hair that was sticking on his forehead. “You can use the treadmill,” he said.

“Right,” sabi ko. “Thank you.”

God, why was I so awkward?!

Pumunta ako roon sa may treadmill. I kept on clicking the start button pero hindi iyon gumagalaw. Bakit ba kasi ngayon lang ako napadpad sa gym?! Also, I didn’t know that treadmill is this complicated? Sabi ni Nikki parang naglalakad ka lang dito?

“You have to push this.”

Agad akong napatingin sa gilid ko nang marinig ko iyong boses na iyon. Even with me standing on the treadmill, he was still taller than me. Would it be weird to ask him kung bakit siya nasa Pilipinas? Was he on a vacation? Would it be weird? Iisipin niya ba na creepy ako?

“Oh. Okay,” sabi ko. I drew another deep breath. “Sorry. First time,” I finally admitted.

He gave me a small smile. “Yeah. Kinda noticed.”

I slightly wrinkled my nose. “Sorry.”

He slightly shook his head. “No need to apologize,” he said. “We all have to start somewhere,” he continued. Looking at his arms? He started way before. He’s like massive but not in a scary way? Hindi kasi ako fan ng mga body builder type ng lalaki. Even Zion wasn’t massive—he’s lean. Pero itong si Fabian? You know he hits the gym daily.

“Right,” I said with a small smile. God, Arielle! Kailan ka pa naging monosyllabic?!

“If you need help, I’m just over there,” sabi niya sabay turo doon sa machine na gamit niya. Mabuti na lang at walang salamin dito sa harap ng treadmill dahil malakas ang pakiramdam ko na papanoorin ko lang talaga siya.

“Thank you,” sabi ko. He gave me another smile. Maglalakad na sana siya pabalik sa ginagawa niya nang magsalita ako. “Uh… do you have any recommendation? With this?” I asked habang nakaturo doon sa mga buttons.

“Try the 10 incline and 3 speed. You can just walk,” sabi niya.

“Isn’t running better?”

“Do you run?”

“No.”

“Then walking is fine,” sabi niya. “You don’t want to pass out on a running treadmill,” he continued pero iyong tono niya ay mapagbiro naman kaya sumimangot lang ako sa kanya. He smiled at me. He has such a cute smile!

“I thought you said everyone has to start somewhere?”

He was still smiling. Iyong ngiti niya ay iyong tipo na boyish na parang ang sarap pisilin nung pisngi niya. Saan ba nanggaling iyong lalaki na ’to?

“I stand by that,” he replied. “But just walk then increase the incline next time. You don’t have to do intense exercise here—consistency and progress are more important.”

I slightly nodded my head. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” he said before he finally headed back to whatever it was that he was doing.

---

I had been going to the gym regularly. At the first few times, I was literally dragging myself to the gym dahil iniisip ko na sayang naman iyong binayaran ko na membership. Besides, alam ko naman na makakabuti sa akin na magkaroon ng active lifestyle.

“In fairness, mukhang effective naman ’yang pagpunta-punta mo sa gym,” Gem said habang magkakasama kaming tatlo nila Nikki. Kakabalik lang ni Nikki from an out of town shoot and she asked us to have dinner. I said yes because it actually felt nice na friends na kaming tatlo.

“You go to the gym?! Since when?!” Nikki asked kasi matagal niya na akong ininvite pero lagi akong may dahilan kung bakit hindi ako pwede.

I shrugged. “Three weeks ago?”

“Where? Can we gym together?”

Gem snorted. “May gym buddy na ’yan.”

Nikki frowned. “Who?”

“Pakita mo picture, dali! Sobrang gwapo, Nikki! Baka kilala mo since feel ko kilala mo lahat ng gwapo dito sa Manila.”

Umirap ako kay Gem. “Napaka-malisyosa mo,” sabi ko. One time kasi, sabay kami ni Fabian naglakad since apparently, he lives in the same area. Tapos nakasalubong kami ni Gem. Since then, lagi niya na akong tinutukso kay Fabian. Ilang beses ko na ngang sinabing friends lang kami nun.

“Also, hindi ko alam ang social media niya,” I replied because it was just so weird to ask. And hindi naman kasi kami friend-friend, alam mo ’yon? Minsan lang sabay kami sa gym kaya familiar na kami sa isa’t-isa. Tapos iyong nagiisang time pa na nagsabay kami pauwi, nakasalubong pa namin si Gem! Na-weirduhan siguro si Fabian kasi iyong ngisi ni Gem, e. Nahiya na tuloy ako na kausapin si Fabian the next time.

“What’s the name na lang?” Nikki asked.

“Fabian,” I replied. Nikki slowly nodded her head. “Why?” I asked because there’s this expression on her face na hindi ko mapaliwanag.

“Nothing,” she said with a small smile.

“Okay…” I said. “Gusto mo pa ba mag-gym kasama ako? Pero hindi ako magaling, ha!”

She shook her head. “Not interested na.”

Umirap ako. “Ikaw nag-aya d’yan, e.”

---

Maagang umalis si Gem since may date sila ni Erick. Good for her. Naiwan kami ni Nikki. Lumipat kami ng restaurant dahil apparently, it’s dinner time na.

“You good?” she asked.

“Yeah. Why won’t I be good?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I still think about him,” I replied. “From time to time.”

“That’s normal,” she said. “Unless nagka-amnesia ka.”

I chuckled. “Wag naman sana.”

“About this new guy—”

“Hindi nga siya new guy!”

Tumawa si Nikki. “Why don’t you ask him out?”

My eyes widened. “Have you met me? Do I look like someone who just asks guys out?”

Nikki laughed. “Babe, have you seen you? You’ve grown a lot the past year,” she said. “You moved to your dream neighborhood, you moved to a bigger condo, you have a thing for a guy who normally you’d tell me is way out of your league, and you even dumped him!”

“I didn’t dump him,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“You blocked him. As far as I’m concerned, you dumped him.”

“Fubu lang kami. Hindi in a relationship.”

“Well, on the bright side, you weren’t a one night stand. He’s a repeat customer. He liked what he saw and came back. Take the win.”

Sumimangot ako. “Ginawa mo naman akong merchandise.”

She laughed. “Bottomline is, you’re different from who you were before. So why not ask this new guy out?”

I looked at Nikki. “He’s ridiculously hot.”

“Hotter than Zion?”

“Yes.”

“Then better, right?”

“I don’t know…” sabi ko. “What if i-reject niya ako?”

“Then you know that you’re one wrong guy away from finding the right one.”

My forehead was creased. “Who are you and what did you do to my maneater friend?” I asked and she rolled her eyes.

“Just saying!” sabi niya. “Just ask the guy out. Believe me, if he’s as hot as you say he is, almost all girls think he’s way out of their league. No one asks him out. Be different and go ask him.”

“I’ll try.”

“Great.”

“Kapag na-reject ako, lilipat ako ng gym. Bayaran mo membership fee ko,” I said and then she just laughed and agreed.

---

“Good morning,” Fabian said nang magkasalubong kami sa gym.

“Morning,” I replied with a small smile. I probably looked constipated dahil ang nasa isip ko lang ay iyong sinabi ni Nikki. I mean, hindi naman kami friends ni Fabian? It wasn’t as if I’d lose a friend kung i-reject niya ako? Also, I didn’t think I was strong enough to have a friend as hot as him?

I decided to finish my workout set today. Mabuti na lang at hindi leg day ngayon dahil kailangan kong tumakbo pauwi kapag na-reject niya ako. Baka last day ko na rin sa gym na ’to dahil hindi ko kakayanin na makita ulit siya after. O kaya baka instead na umaga e kalagitnaan na ng gabi ako mag-gym.

“Fabian,” I called his name.

“Yeah?” he replied, not looking at me dahil pinupunasan niya ng mini towel iyong mukha niya.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Okay, Arielle, it’s now or never.

Pwede bang never na lang?!

Nang matapos siya sa pagpupunas sa mukha niya at hindi pa ako nagsasalita, tumingin siya sa akin. Okay. I couldn’t be friends with someone with that face! It would be torture to look at him! I was not one of God’s strongest soldiers!

Muli akong huminga nang malalim.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked first and foremost.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. “I do not have,” he replied a bit slower than how he usually talked.

“Okay,” I said, slightly nodding my head. “Do you want to go on a date with me?” tanong ko sa kanya at sa bawat paglabas ng salita sa bibig ko ay parang gusto ko na lang lumubog sa lupa. Hindi ko alam kung paano nagagawa ng mga lalaki ’to! Ngayon lang ako nagpasalamat na babae ako!

His lips were parted.

Oh, shit.

I was about to get rejected.

Kailangan kong siguraduhin na wala akong naiwan sa locker dahil hindi na ako babalik—

“Okay,” he said.

I blinked.

I probably looked like I was short-circuiting.

Maybe I was.

I’ll kill Nikki!

“Okay?” I asked like I was confused.

He nodded. “Okay, let’s go on a date.”  

**

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Chapter 12

Chapter 12

“I asked him out and he said yes,” diretso kong sabi sa mga kaibigan ko para lang matapos na. Nikki was grinning like a proud mom at nanlaki ang mga mata ni Gem before she proceeded to ask him a hundred different questions.

Initially, I did not want to tell them but then I changed my mind kasi kailangan ko ng support nila. Gusto ko ng opinion tungkol sa isusuot ko at sa kung ano ang gagawin ko sa date. I’d just never been on a date! I never said this out loud dahil pakiramdam ko ay dapat sa edad na ’to ay nakaranas na ako ng date, but that’s how it was.

“Kailan?” Gem asked.

“Friday night,” I replied.

“Anong gagawin niyo?”

I shrugged. “Hindi pa namin napapagusapan,” I said and then looked at Nikki. “Ano ang sasabihin ko kapag nagtanong siya?”

“Nothing,” she replied. “He’s the guy—let him plan the date out.”

“Very archaic naman,” I said. “Saka ako kaya nag-askout.”

“So? He said yes. It wasn’t as if tinutukan mo siya ng baril. He could’ve said no if he didn’t want to go out with you.”

“Still—”

“No, okay?” Nikki said, cutting me off. “Here’s how dating works, babe. One, let him plan the date out. Your role is to show up and to look pretty. Two, he needs to confirm on the day itself. If he doesn’t confirm, take it that the date won’t proceed. Call us and we’ll take you out to dinner instead.”

“Grabe naman.”

Nikki shrugged. “I mean, that’s just me, but then again, I always require the princess treatment,” she said. “I establish that early on the relationship so if the guy can’t give me that, we can immediately stop wasting each other’s time and move on to the next one.”

“Date pa lang naman.”

“What do you think dating is, Arielle? It’s about finding who your perfect match is. It’s trial and error. If it’s an error, you move on to the next.”

“Ang hassle naman,” sabi ko tapos napatingin ako kay Gem na kulang na lang ay maglabas ng pen and paper para i-take down iyong mga sinasabi ni Nikki.

Ang daming sinabi sa akin ni Nikki and for some reason, she’s making sense, but at the same time, a small part of me didn’t want to follow her advice. Ayoko kasing maging demanding kay Fabian. Ako kasi nag-aya sa kanya! Alam mo iyong nananahimik iyong tao na nagwoworkout tapos biglang kailangan niya ng magplano ng date at kung anu-ano? Hindi naman ako maarte. Kahit d’yan lang sa fastfood, okay na ako, e.

Ano ba ’yan. Panibagong problema.

“Arielle.”

Napatingin ako kay Fabian nang tawagin niya iyong pangalan ko. I was almost done with my set at kanina ko pa pinipigilan iyong sarili ko na tumingin sa gawi niya. Bukas na kasi iyong Friday and Nikki told me that I should not do anything and let Fabian initiate the talk about the date. Gusto ko na ako na iyong magtanong kasi bakit ba kailangan lalaki lagi? Pero in Nikki I should trust. She’d been here. Mas alam niya ’to kaysa sa akin. Kahit nga si Gem, kay Nikki nagtatanong ng tungkol sa kanila ni Erick, e.

“About tomorrow—”

“Will you cancel?” I asked dahil for some reason, iyon ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. Na nagbago na iyong isip niya kasi feel ko nahiya lang talaga siya sa akin kaya siya umoo.

“What? No,” he replied with his forehead creased like he was confused kung saan nanggagaling iyong sinabi ko. “Do you want to cancel?”

Mabilis akong umiling. “No.”

“Great,” he said. “I just wanted to ask if you want to meet at the resto or do you want me to pick you up? Full disclosure, I don’t have a car here in Manila?”

I blinked in confusion. “Okay? Are you asking me if I have a car?”

“No, no,” sabi niya with hand gestures. Suddenly, the Italian in him jumped. “I was asking if you want me to come pick you up, but we will take a Grab instead.”

“Oh…” I said. “Okay.”

“Great,” he replied with that adorable smile of his. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

I nodded. “See you,” I said before he said goodbye dahil tapos na siya at may kailangan pa siyang puntahan. Hindi ko pa rin natatanong kung ano ang ginagawa niya rito sa Manila. Bukas ko na lang itatanong kasi ganoon naman ’di ba kapag date? Getting to know you?

---

I finished my work early so that I could prepare early. Fabian confirmed at around 10AM iyong tungkol sa date namin. It’s weird how he’s doing everything right—at least doon sa checklist na binigay sa akin ni Nikki.

Nikki told me to dress comfortably but also iyong cute daw. She said to reserve the ‘sexy’ outfit for the third date. Naka-ilang send ako ng outfit kay Nikki bago siya nag-yes doon sa may white pants and blue silk spaghetti top, and white sandals. In fairness naman sa workout ko, nakakakita na ako ng konting improvement sa arms ko. Mas nakaka-inspire tuloy magpatuloy.

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” I uttered to myself nang makita ko si Fabian na nakaupo roon sa couch sa may lobby ng condo ko. He was wearing something really simple, but goddamn that face takes everything to a different level! Kahit simpleng black pants, black polo shirt, at accessories lang, ang gwapo niya talaga tignan.

“I mean, he agreed to go out with me,” sabi ko. “I couldn’t be that bad,” pangungumbinsi ko sa sarili ko.

Muli akong huminga nang malalim.

Kaya ko ’to.

Pinipilit kong ’wag tumingin sa mga tao sa reception lobby dahil for some reason ay nahihiya ako kasi parang ilang linggo lang ang nakakalipas, ibang lalaki ang umaakyat sa condo ko tapos iba na naman ngayon.

“Fabian,” I called.

Tumingin siya sa akin. His lips parted for a bit. Was he disappointed with how I looked? God, this was a bad idea! Why did I keep on going after really hot guys?! I kept on setting myself up for disappointment!

“Wow,” he said as he stood up. “You look good.”

I blinked.

Oh.

Tama ba iyong rinig ko na sinabi niya o muli ay nag-short-circuit na naman ako? Also, lagi bang mangyayari ’to kapag nandyan siya sa harapan ko?

“Thank you,” I replied as I felt my cheeks heating up.

“I’ll just get us a ride,” sabi niya habang nilalabas iyong phone niya. I saw him booking a ride for us nang maalala ko na hindi ko pala siya nasabihan na ang gwapo niya ngayon.

“You look good,” I said.

Napatingin siya sa akin. “Thank you,” he said with a smile. I was sure he was so used to hearing that. I wonder kung ano kaya ang naiisip niya kapag nakikita niya ang sarili niya sa salamin?

We were in a three seater couch. Gusto ko siyang kausapin pero sobrang aware ako na nakatingin sa amin si Ate sa reception.

“Friday,” I said when he tried to book for the third time pero wala pa ring kumukuha.

“Yeah…” he replied. “Are you hungry? I’m sorry.”

My eyes widened a bit. “What? No, no,” sabi ko kasi baka isipin niya na demanding ako. Sabi ni Nikki, i-establish daw agad iyong princess treatment requirement but to be completely honest? I didn’t need that. I just wanted someone who likes me for me and enjoys spending time with me. That’s all.

“It’s just that it’s Friday and it’s usually hard to book a ride since everyone’s out tonight,” paliwanag ko sa kanya. “What time is the reservation?”

“8PM.”

“Oh,” sabi ko kasi 7:30PM na. Kahit makakuha kami ng ride ngayon, taking the Metro Manila traffic into consideration, malabo na makarating kami on time.

“You wanna go elsewhere instead?”

I nodded. “If it’s okay with you,” sabi ko since siya iyong nagplano. Baka kasi may iba pa siyang gustong gawin tapos kailangan na doon na area kaming dalawa.

“Yeah,” he said. “I don’t want you getting hungry.”

My lips parted in shock. “I did not say that,” mabilis at defensive na sabi ko, but the cheeky grin that later appeared on his face told me that he was just messing with me.

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nung lumabas kami sa condo dahil wala ng audience na nanonood sa amin. Good idea nga ata na hindi na kami umalis sa Greenfield area dahil dito pa lang ay kita mo na iyong mga sasakyan na nasa labas.

“Do you like Chinese food?” I immediately nodded and that earned me a chuckle from him. “There’s a Chinese resto around 15 minutes walk from here.”

We began to walk in that direction. Nikki told me that one of the ways to get someone to like you is to make them feel interesting. You need to be asking them question about themselves. I mean, it wasn’t a problem for me because I was genuinely interested to know anything about him.

“So… you’re here for work, right?” I asked kasi nabanggit niya na before na may work siya. I had a feeling actually na model din siya kasi iyang mukha na ’yan? That face belongs to billboards. But I didn’t want to assume. Malay ko ba kung gwapo lang talaga siya pero iba pala ang gusto niyang gawin sa buhay?

He nodded. “I actually just arrived in Manila a month ago.”

“Oh, welcome to Manila.”

He smiled. “Thank you,” he said. “But I’m here like two times a year.”

“For business?”

Umiling siya. “For work,” sabi niya. “My main agency is in Milan, but I also have an agency here in Manila, so I have to go here twice a year to finish all the booked shoots and engagements.”

Oh, fuck.

Another model kagaya ni—

No.

Maraming model sa Manila. Impossible naman na magkakilala sila ni Zion. Besides, twice a year lang naman pumupunta rito si Fabian, so baka hindi pa sila magkakilala kasi sabi ni Zion, kaka-start niya pa lang sa modelling career niya.

“Arielle,” he called.

“Yeah?”

“Nothing,” he said. “You’ve been quiet for quite a while.”

I shook my head and forced a smile on my face. “Nothing,” I replied. “So… until when are you here?”

---

I hated how the entire date, I felt like I was just on the lookout na baka kilala ni Fabian si Zion. It was so unfair of me na siya iyong nasa harap ko, pero iba iyong nasa isip ko. At saka ano naman kung magkakilala sila?

Una, hindi ko naman naging boyfriend si Zion.

Pangalawa, I doubted that he’d even care.

I covered my face with a pillow when I was so tempted na i-search iyong pangalan ni Zion at i-stalk siya. It had been more than a month since I last saw him. Baka nga nalimutan niya na ako, e. Ako lang ’tong bobo na kayang i-associate sa kanya lahat ng bagay.

‘Hope you got home safely,’ message ko kay Fabian since hinatid niya ako pabalik sa condo at naglakad siya pauwi. I would feel sad kapag hindi siya nagreply, but still, I’d understand kasi baka ramdam niya na lumilipad iyong utak ko kanina.

‘Home already,’ he replied. And then I saw some typing bubbles. ‘See you soon?’

I bit my lower lip. ‘Is this you asking for a second date?’ makapal ang mukha na tanong ko.

‘I was talking about gym.’

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

‘Kidding. Yes. Let’s schedule the next date.’

I could imagine him chuckling, but damn it, ang cute niya mang-asar!

**

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Chapter 13

Chapter 13

“What?”

“Fabian kissed me.”

“Oh. Was it good? Kiss lang?”

“Yes, kiss lang,” I replied. “And it was good.”

“That’s great.”

“I know…”

“Okay. Spill.”

I sighed as I sat down on my bean bag. Bigla akong naging aware na ngayon lang ulit ako napahiga rito. Ewan ko ba. Isang beses lang naman nahiga rito si Zion, pero pakiramdam ko ay siya na ang may-ari nito. Na kahit gaano kasandali lang naman siya nandito ay parang ang tagal ng epekto niya.

“I mean, he’s a great kisser… I think?”

“What do you mean you think? It’s either he is or he isn’t?”

“I don’t know? It’s not as if marami akong pwedeng i-compare.”

“Too much tongue?”

“No.”

“Too little tongue?”

“No.”

“So, it’s because he’s not Zion?”

Agad akong napaupo. “No!”

Kahit hindi ko kaharap si Nikki ay para bang ramdam ko iyong pag-irap niya sa akin. She’s in a shoot now, pero alam ko na kung nasa harapan ko siya ngayon ay kitang-kita ko iyong disapproving looks niya sa akin.

“Okay,” she said, chuckling.

“I mean, it’s normal naman, ’di ba? ’Di naman kailangan ng spark sa first kiss?”

O baka naman ako iyong may problema? Okay naman si Fabian. Masaya kausap. Mabait. Gentleman! He didn’t even kiss me up until the third date. Hindi kagaya ni—

Tsk.

“It depends,” Nikki replied.

“Depends on what?”

“You,” she said. “I mean, babe, I can give you all the advice you want, but at the end of the day, you’re the one dating him, not me. Your opinion of him is the most important, you know?”

I sighed.

She’s right.

She really is my voice of reason—tapos si Gem naman iyong sigaw at kurot.

---

“What are you doing this Friday?” Fabian asked.

“Disney plus, I think?”

He chuckled. “Sounds like a solid plan.”

“I know,” sabi ko habang kinukuha iyong gamit ko sa locker.

“Well, if you change your mind, I’m going to a party this Friday, if you wanna come.”

“A party?”

He nodded. “Yeah. A new batch of models arrived. We usually go to party as a way to bond,” he told me. He gave me a smile. “I have a shoot to go to. Just message me if you’ll go. We can go together,” he added and gave me a kiss on the cheek bago siya naunang umalis.

Mabuti na lang at kinailangan niya nang umalis dahil hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. I was okay with going to a party. I wouldn’t even drink, so it wasn’t as if I was worried that I’d be drunk. I was just worried when he told me that it would be a party with his co-workers.

Paano ba ako mabubuhay nito? One of my best friend’s a model yet may model ako na tinataguan! And iyong current na dine-date ko ay model din. How would that work! Para kong binigyan iyong sarili ko ng bato na ipampupukpok sa ulo ko.

---

It was Thursday night when I finally decided to tell Fabian na sasama ako sa party niya. I couldn’t always adjust my life around the possibility na makasalubong ko si Zion. Besides, ano naman kung makasalubong ko siya? No one knew about us. My friends knew about us, but I highly doubted that anyone in his life knew about my existence.

To him, I was just some girl he’d go to when he felt like getting laid.

That was all I ever was to him.

It’s pathetic how I was letting him have this much power over me when I barely existed in his world.

So, I dressed up. I just wanted to make a good impression sa mga kaibigan ni Fabian.

Oh, God.

This guy.

This guy was willing to be seen with me in public.

With me.

In public.

In front of his friends.

And I had the audacity na kabahan dahil lang walang ‘sparks’ iyong first kiss namin?

We’d practice.

We’d practice again and again hanggang maramdaman ko ’yang sparks na ’yan. Kahit na ako na mismo ang magsindi sa sarili ko dahil mas gugustuhin ko na iyong sitwasyon na ’to kaysa iyong pakiramdam ko na isa akong sikreto na kailangang itago.

‘Do I need to bring anything?’ I messaged him on iMessage.

‘Just yourself.’

‘You sure?’

‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Don’t worry. They’re nice. You’ll have a good time.’

‘You promise?’

‘I’ll try my best to entertain you lol’

I was smiling at his last reply. This was a nice guy. I deserve a nice guy. I should actively choose a nice guy.

Pumunta ako sa condo ni Nikki para manghiram ng damit at saka magpa-ayos na rin. I just wanted to look good for Fabian. I knew that what he’s doing is the bare minimum but I’d been treated like shit. What’s wrong with appreciating being treated like a human being with feelings?

“Kinakabahan ako,” sabi ko nang matapos si Nikki sa pag-aayos ng buhok ko. I told her na ayokong magmukhang nag-effort talaga kaya naman ginawa niya iyong 90s blowdry daw ang tawag doon.

“Don’t be,” she said. “Have fun. It’s just a party. You’ve been to lots of parties.”

“I know. Thank you.”

She winked at me. “You’re welcome,” she said. “People there will be drunk, so it’d be easier to get along with them,” she continued. “I mean, based on experience, it’s easier to get along with foreigners. At least for me. They’re less judgy as compared to Filipinos.”

Binigyan pa ako ni Nikki ng ilang tips bago ako umalis pabalik sa condo ko. Doon ako sa unit ko naghintay. It was five minutes before 8PM nang magmessage si Fabian na nasa lobby na siya. Kakain muna kasi kami ng dinner bago pumunta sa party.

“Hey,” sabi niya nang makita ako na naglalakad palapit. He stood up and kissed my cheek while his hand was placed on the small of my back. When he first did it, medyo nagulat ako, but I was already used to it.

“Done with work?” I asked kasi nagmessage siya sa akin kanina na hindi siya sigurado kung makakarating siya on-time dahil may pinapaulit sa kanya na set. I said that it was fine. At least nagsabi siya na may posibilidad na ma-late siya at hindi iyong bigla na lang siyang hindi nagpakita.

“Yes,” he said habang naglalakad kami papunta doon sa resto. We decided to just eat around the area para mamayang mga 11PM e mas madali ng kumuha ng ride.

We talked while we were walking. It was… peaceful. Hindi naman siguro kailangan nung sparks na ’yan. Kasi aanhin mo iyong sparks kung may kasamang stress? Kinikilig ka nga pero nagooverthink ka naman? Mas pipipliin ko ’tong kalmado lang.

It was around 10PM nang matapos kami sa dinner at almost 11PM nang makarating kami sa venue. There was a line, but we managed to get inside first. It felt nice—like we’re some VIP.

“If you want to go home, just tell me, okay?”

I nodded. “I can go home myself. You can stay here and bond with your co-workers,” I told him kasi iyon naman talaga iyong purpose nung party na ’to. Party, but still work-related. Ayoko naman makagulo roon.

“I’ll still see them plenty of times,” he said and I just smiled. He’d really leave this party para samahan ako na umuwi.

Luck really favors the brave! Kung hindi ako naglakas ng loob na ayain siya magdate, wala kami sa posisyon na ’to. It’s weird how one thing could literally alter the direction of your life.

Fabian introduced me to different people. Some of them were already a bit drunk, but they’re mostly nice. Hindi ko nga lang sigurado kung matatandaan ko lahat ng pangalan nila dahil ang daming pinakilala sa akin ni Fabian.

“I’ll just go to the restroom,” sabi ko kay Fabian.

Ayoko naman maging KJ kaya uminom ako ng cocktail. Hindi naman ako malalasing dito kasi kanina ko pa tinitipid iyong isang baso ng amaretto.

After ko sa CR, dumiretso ako sa bar para bumili ng tubig. I decided to stay there for a while dahil nagve-vape iyong ibang mga kasama ni Fabian and hindi ako fan non. Hindi ko rin naman sila pwedeng sabihan na itigil iyon.

“Arielle.”

Napatingin ako kay Fabian na nasa harapan ko na ngayon. “Hey,” I replied. “Just got myself water,” I continued, showing him the bottled water that I just bought.

He nodded. “I’ll introduce you to someone,” he said.

“Who?” I asked. Ang dami niya na talagang pinakilala sa akin ngayong gabi! Hindi ko na tanda iyong pangalan nila and I doubted na tanda nila iyong sa akin kasi lasing na sila rin. Itatanong ko na lang ulit kay Fabian iyong pangalan nila kung sakaling magtagpo man ulit ang landas namin.

“My roommate,” he said.

“You have a roommate?” I asked kasi nasabi niya dati na wala siyang roommate. Based sa kwento niya, usually ay dalawa sa isang unit, pero mag-isa lang siya. Tinukso ko tuloy siya na favorite siya since naka-solo room siya. He immediately said no kahit na nasabi sa akin accidentally ni Nikki na itong si Fabian daw ay paboritong model nung isa sa mga top designer ng Pinas na sikat din internationally. Humble masyado.

“Yes,” he replied. “He just got back from a stint in Turkey.”

Tumango lang ako dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko roon. I just walked with Fabian. His hand was on the small of my back, leading me to wherever we were headed.

“Hey,” tawag niya roon sa isang model na hindi ko na talaga tanda iyong pangalan. Kung wala lang lovelife si Gem ngayon, for sure mag-eenjoy iyon dito. Sabi nga niya, Afam paradise.

“Yeah?”

“Have you seen Zion?” Fabian asked.

Agad na napatingin ako sa kanya. My forehead creased. Lasing ba ako? Was I imagining things? Was I hearing things?

“He was just here—” sabi nung lalaki. “Oh, there he is,” he continued, looking behind us.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck!

“Zion,” sabi ni Fabian habang nakaharap na siya roon at nanatili akong nakatalikod. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. I just wanted to go home. It had been fucking months since I last saw him! And I knew that we’d probably see each other again, but definitely not like this!

I felt Fabian’s hand on my waist again.

Shit.

Nakita ba ni Zion iyon?

“Arielle,” pagtawag ni Fabian sa akin.

Fuck.

Huminga ako nang malalim. It wasn’t as if I could run now. Not when he already said my name in front of Zion. But then again, maybe he already forgot about me. Kasi ako lang naman iyong nagbigay masyado ng kulay sa kung anuman ang nagkaroon kami.

We were barely a thing.

Barely.

Muli akong huminga nang malalim at saka humarap sa kanya. I hated how I saw the surprise in his eyes when he realized who was in front of him.

So, he didn’t forget about me.

He still knew who I was.

But no one but us knew about us.

As far as anyone’s concerned, we were strangers.

“Hi, I’m Arielle,” I said as I offered him my hand. “You’re Fabian’s roommate, right?” I continued as I stared at him and held my breath as I breathe in the sight of him once again. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 19 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Zion was staring at my face, but I was just trying to breathe. My hand was still extended and any time now, alam ko na magtataka na si Fabian sa reaksyon ni Zion.

“Nice to meet you,” I added, hoping that this time, he’d accept my hand. Kasi bakit naman hindi? He was the one who wanted this, right? I still remember him asking me not to tell anyone about us. This was me not telling anyone about us. So, why wouldn’t he just cooperate?

“Likewise,” he replied, taking my hand, but I drew a sharp breath as he held my hand while looking straight into my eyes.

I hated how one single touch of his could affect me like this.

Mabilis kong binawi iyong kamay ko at saka tumingin ako kay Fabian na nasa tabi ko lang. I gave him a weak smile. The music was loud, so I intentionally placed myself closer to him and speak close to his ear.

“I wanna go home,” I told him because I knew myself and I knew that I couldn’t be around Zion. Not this time. Not when I had alcohol in my system. Because sober me could barely handle the thoughts of him—me with alcohol in my system would just crumble at the sight of him.

And I knew it was unfair of me, but I couldn’t control how I feel around him.

If I could, I would just delete him from my system because he’s driving me crazy without even lifting a finger.

“Are you okay?” Fabian asked.

Tumango ako. “I’m fine, just tired,” I replied. “Been a long day.”

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll just find Ann and say that we’re leaving,” he said, pertaining to his manager.

Mabilis akong umiling. “No, you should stay. I’ll just book a ride,” sabi ko sa kanya dahil ayoko na umalis siya rito dahil lang sa akin. He’s still having fun with his friends. Besides, hindi naman niya ako girlfriend. We’re just dating and seeing how things would go.

“Okay…” he said but I immediately felt guilty dahil kita ko na medyo disappointed siya sa sagot ko. Ayoko lang naman na umalis siya kasi work-related event ’to.

I smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” I said instead. “If you’re not too hungover.”

A smile appeared on that disgustingly gorgeous face of his. “Yeah, I’m not even really drinking,” he replied and I knew that dahil kanina ko pa nakikita na halos hindi pa bawas iyong hawak niya na baso ng whiskey.

“So, breakfast tomorrow?”

“Brunch,” he said.

I chuckled. “Because you’ll go to the gym first?”

“Yeah…” he said like he was embarrassed.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Fabian, being the gentleman that he was, walked me outside. Sinamahan niya ako na maghintay hanggang maka-book ako ng ride and he’d stay hanggang makarating sana si Kuya kung hindi lang siya biglang tinawag dahil may naghahanap sa kanya.

“Send me the details of the ride,” sabi niya bago umalis.

“I will,” I replied. “Have fun.”

“Will try,” he said before he kissed my cheek and went inside.

Tahimik akong nakatayo roon habang naghihintay ng sasakyan. I kept on staring at the screen of my phone as if makakatulong iyon sa pagbilis ng pagdating.

I just… needed to get out of here.

Because I hated how thrown off I was at the single sight of him.

It had been months—why was I still so affected at the thought that we’re in the same room breathing the same air?

“So, you and Fabian?”

Halos mahigit ko ang paghinga ko nang marinig ko ang boses niya. It was insane how even if years might pass, pakiramdam ko ay alam na alam ko pa rin ang boses niya.

I would always be reminded of the things that he used to whisper in my ears.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago ako humarap sa kanya.

“Excuse me?” I asked, pretending that I didn’t hear him the first time kahit na siguro pati pagbulong niya ay kaya kong marinig.

“Fabian,” he said.

I didn’t want to stop and drink in the sight of him. It’s still him. It’s still Zion—the same old guy who told me that he wanted nothing more from me and denied knowing me.

He’s that guy.

Bakit ba ako nanghihinayang sa kagaya niya?

Why was I constantly pining over someone who treated me like shit when there’s a perfectly nice guy who’s doing everything right?

Umayos ako ng tayo.

“What about him?” I replied, looking straight into his eyes because the one way to get used to this… to being around him… is to get used to him. There’s no shortcut to this madness.

“You’re with him?”

“Yes,” agad na sagot ko.

He just nodded without saying a word.

“Why?” I asked even though I knew that I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be having this conversation with him in the first place. He had no business knowing my business.

“Nothing,” he replied. “He doesn’t know that…” sabi niya at napahinto.

“That what?” I asked bravely.

“That we know each other,” he said, putting his hands in his pocket.

“No,” I said.

“So, you’re lying to him.”

I cocked my head to the side. “You’re the one who told me not to tell anyone that I know you,” I said.

Tumingin din siya sa akin. Fuck those eyes. Bakit ba sa tuwing tumitingin siya sa akin ay ang naaalala ko ay kung paano niya sabihin sa akin na buksan ko iyong mga mata ko at tignan ko siya?

“Did you memorize everything that I told you?” he asked arrogantly. There was a small grin on his face. Why was he enjoying this when I was holding on to every little fiber not to crumble in front of him?

“It was easy,” I replied. “We barely talked.”

Agad akong nakahinga nang makita kong halos nandyan na iyong sasakyan. I wanted to be out of here. I wanted to be away from him as soon as possible.

“We talked,” he said.

“About what?” I asked. “About how I should tell no one about us? About when you’ll see me next? Or about how you said you were clear from the beginning that you’re interested in nothing but hooking up?”

Halos habol-habol ko ang hininga ko nang matapos ako. I wanted to act cool in front of him. I wanted him to think that I was good with the fact that we ended, pero sino ba ang niloko ko?

I blocked him.

And I blocked him for a reason.

Kasi alam ko na kung hindi, palagi kong titignan iyong account niya. Palagi kong titignan kung nasaan siya, kung may kausap ba siyang iba. Para lang akong tanga na aabangan kung kailan siya magdedesisyon na ibaling ang tingin sa akin.

“Arielle—”

“My ride’s here,” I told him. Muli akong humugot ng malalim na hininga at tumingin sa kanya. “Can I ask for a favor?” tanong ko habang nakatingin sa kanya.

Hindi siya nagsalita.

But his eyes… why did his eyes have to speak volumes?

“I’ll tell Fabian about… us,” I said.

“What about us?” he asked.

“That we used to hangout.”

Pagak siyang natawa. “Hangout?”

“Yes,” I said. “What the fuck do you want me to tell him? That we used to hangout at 2AM? When you decide that you’re horny and you want to get laid?”

He shook his head as I saw his jaw clench. “I don’t know.”

“Just…” I said when I saw the car pull over in front of us. “Just please don’t destroy this for me, Zion. I will tell him. He’s a good guy. And I deserve a good guy,” I continued as I took a step and took another one and didn’t look back because that’s the only way I knew how to get away from him.

‘You already on your way home?’ Fabian messaged.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

This is how I deserve to be treated.

Iyong may pakielam sa akin.

Iyong interesado sa akin bilang tao.

What the fuck was so wrong with me that I couldn’t get over that one guy who treated me horribly?

‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘Enjoy the party.’

‘Message me when you’re home,’ he said. ‘I will try although as you saw, they’re all already drunk.’

‘Get drunk too haha you can do it.’

‘Gym tomorrow.’

‘Gym addict :P’

‘I need it for work haha’

Fabian and I exchanged message hanggang sa makabalik ako sa condo. Hindi ko alam kung paano siya nageenjoy doon sa party kung ako pa rin iyong kausap niya. Ayoko naman na sabihin sa kanya na ’wag na akong i-message kaya magkausap kami hanggang sa kusa na akong makatulog.

This is how it’s supposed to feel—easy and light.

I should stop overcomplicating things.

---

It had been three days since that night that I saw Zion. Hindi ko pa rin nasasabi kina Gem at Nikki iyong nangyari. I felt like a coward hiding in my condo. Hindi ako makalabas dahil sa takot na baka bigla ko siyang makasalubong. Suddenly, this freaking area felt smaller!

This was my dream neighborhood and now, I couldn’t even walk around!

‘Doing anything later?’

‘Nothing if I finish my work early,’ reply ko kay Fabian.

‘Wanna have dinner?’

‘Okay. What are you thinking?’

‘Zion asked me to make pasta. I’ll make some.’

Fuck.

Did Zion ask him to invite me over?

What game was he playing?

‘Very Italian of you.’

‘Haha I know. I make good carbonara I think.’

He’s nice, good looking, respectful, and he can cook. I must’ve been dropped a lot as a child because why was my mind always going back to that guy who only wants to see me at 2AM?

‘Okay. Around what time?’ I asked.

‘I’ll be finished cooking at around 7PM?’

‘Do you need some help?’

‘Yes please.’

Maaga akong natapos sa ginagawa ko. Hindi ako makapagdesisyon kung ano ang isusuot ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan dahil kung si Franco lang, he’d seen me at my worst kapag nasa gym ako lalo na kapag upperbody day. Heck, nakita niya na nga akong nakalumpasay sa sahig dahil pagod na pagod na ako. It’s really a wonder that he’s still dating me kahit nakita niya na akong mukhang nasagasaan.

I settled with wearing a cutoff denim shorts, white shirt, and white crocs. For some reason, I decided to bring wine kasi ayoko naman na makikain lang ako.

“Hey,” Fabian said nang sunduin niya ako sa lobby ng condo niya.

So… dito siya nakatira.

I had wondered for a long time kung saang banda siya nakatira. All I knew was that he’s near, but I didn’t exactly know where.

“Here,” I said and handed him the wine.

“You didn’t have to,” he replied. “But, thanks.”

“I’ll be taking home some carbonara. You better make a lot,” I told him and he laughed at sabay kaming naglakad papunta sa elevator.

Fabian was telling me something about his work, but my mind kept on counting the floors hanggang sa makarating kami sa floor nila. I really tried to give him my undivided attention because he deserved nothing less.

Agad akong natigilan nang buksan ni Fabian iyong pinto at bumungad sa akin si Zion na walang suot na pang-itaas.

“I thought you’ll be home later?” casual na sabi ni Fabian habang naglalakad papasok. Tumigil siya at humarap sa akin. “Feel at home,” he told me but I couldn’t move an inch in my direction.

Nakatingin sa akin si Zion.

“Yeah, Arielle, feel at home. My home is his home,” he said mockingly as he continued to walk around half-naked because that’s the kind of asshole that he is. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 20 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Hindi ko alam kung marami lang ba talagang kailangang kunin si Zion sa paligid ng condo nila, but he had to walk around for nearly a minute, while half-naked, bago siya tuluyang pumasok sa kwarto niya. I didn’t know what to do with my eyes. Ayoko siyang tignan. I was actually scared of my eyes because they might stare at his torso for far too long.

I might stare at his tattoos.

Those freaking tattoos that I used to trace my fingers on.

“Thought he’ll be coming home later,” biglang sabi ni Fabian sa akin nung kaming dalawa na lang sa may common area.

“It’s fine,” I replied. I didn’t want him to think that I was being weird, so I decided to tease him a little. “Why? You wanted to get me alone here?”

His face quickly reddened. Agad akong natawa. I initially thought na hindi niya talaga ako type kasi sa third date pa namin niya ako unang hinalikan. I actually asked him about that kasi bigla kong naalala iyong sinabi ni Nikki na dating is about finding who your perfect match is. And Fabian’s perfectly nice to me. I just didn’t want to waste his time.

“Do you like me?” I asked.

“What?” he replied, a bit confused and thrown off, as I saw on his face.

I shrugged. “I don’t know… I mean…” I said and looked at my shoes because I couldn’t look at that disgustingly gorgeous face while asking him my question. “You still haven’t kissed me yet.”

Hindi siya nagsalita. It was awfully quiet because it was already past one in the morning and it felt like we’re the only two people out. Halos wala na ring dumadaang sasakyan. The silence was becoming deafening.

I was forced to look at him.

“Consent’s very important to me,” bigla niyang sabi.

My lips parted. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. Was I coming off as too pushy? I was just wondering… kasi nung kay Zion, ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. Then came Fabian na parang dahan-dahan lahat.

O baka ganito dapat?

Ganito ang tama?

“I work in an industry where a lot of my friends get assaulted or forced to do sexual favors just to get work.”

Agad akong napatingin sa kanya.

Oh, my god.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” ang tangi kong nasabi dahil sa pagkakataon na ’to, hindi ko alam kung ano ang pwede kong sabihin sa kanya. Ayokong itanong kung naranasan niya na ba. I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries because he’s been very respectful of mine.

Binigyan niya ako ng maliit na ngiti. “Yeah… I am, too.”

Muli kaming naglakad habang napapaligiran ng katahimikan at minsanang busina ng mga sasakyan. It was a nice time to walk around—nicer because he’s walking with me.

“I want to kiss you, of course,” biglang sabi niya. “I just can’t do it without asking you first if it’s alright with you.”

Napaawang ang labi ko kasabay ng bahagyang paglaki ng mga mata ko.

“Oh…”

Tumingin siya sa akin.

God, that face.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

I nodded and gave him permission to kiss me whenever.

---

Dahil dito na pala talaga iyong condo ni Fabian tuwing nasa Pilipinas siya, meron na siya rito nung pasta maker. He was in the middle of teaching me how to make pasta from scratch nang bigla kong marinig iyong pagbukas ng pinto. I heard his footsteps getting nearer, but I refused to turn my head to look at him.

“What are you making?” I heard him ask.

“Carbonara,” Fabian replied.

Hindi naman ako dito nakatira para sabihin sa kanya na bumalik na siya sa kwarto niya. Narinig ko iyong paglalakad niya at sa palagay ko ay naupo siya sa couch. Kahit na nakatalikod ako mula sa kanya ay ramdam na ramdam ko iyong mga mata niya sa amin.

“Are you okay?” Fabian suddenly asked.

“Yes,” I replied, trying my hardest to sound as casual as I could be.

I really needed to tell him about my thing with Zion. I knew that the longer I drag this out, the worse it’d look. I just needed to find the right words to describe what I had with Zion. And it was barely a thing. We had sex a couple of times. Like Zion said, I developed attachment. I asked him if we could be more. He said no. That should’ve been the end of this topic.

But life’s got some quirks.

Suddenly, I was seeing Zion’s roommate.

Ang laking joke ng buhay ko.

Para bang sinabi ng tadhana na ilang taon ng boring ang buhay ko kaya panahon na para bigyan ako ng mga problema. It probably heard me complaining sometimes about how normal and boring my life is, so it decided to throw in some ‘spice.’

Na para bang dati lang ay iniisip ko kung saang condo nakatira si Zion at ngayon, nandito na nga ako, kaso iba iyong nagdala sa akin.

Life’s funny that way.

“Okay,” Fabian said, not pushing the topic any further, thankfully. “Can you crack eggs?” he asked.

“Of course,” I replied, frowning in jest.

He chuckled. “Just checking,” he said. “Crack three eggs.”

“Okay,” sabi ko. “Do I separate the yolks?” tanong ko dahil ang naaalala ko ay ganon kapag traditional carbonara at hindi Filipino version ng carbonara.

“No,” he said. “I’ll be making the recipe my nonna taught me,” he continued while he was chopping the guanciale. It smelled so good! Bigla tuloy akong nagutom.

Habang busy siya sa pagge-grate nung pecorino cheese, busy naman ako sa itlog. Nang matapos ako roon ay binigay ko sa kanya iyong bowl na may itlog.

“Grazie,” he said and for some reason, that made me blush. Lumalabas kasi lalo iyong accent niya kapag nagsasalita siya ng Italian. Maybe I should ask him to talk Italian to me. Hindi ba weird iyon?

I was so focused on watching Fabian as he threw the ingredients in. I so wanted to grab my phone and to record him while he was cooking! Sobrang cute niya kasi naka-apron pa siya. Ngayon ko lang din na-realize kung gaano kaganda iyong side profile niya. Alam mo iyong may mga tao talaga palang pinanganak para maging model? Ano kaya itsura ng mga magulang nito? Ang ganda ng genes, e.

“Do you wanna do the plating?” he asked while he was mixing the pasta with the sauce. I was so excited! First time ko kumain ng pasta na made from scratch. Tapos kami pa iyong gumawa. I was so amazed lalo na nung gamit na namin iyong pasta maker!

“No,” sabi ko sa kanya. “I don’t wanna ruin the food.”

He chuckled. “You won’t.”

“Maybe next time,” I said.

“Okay,” he replied, and I just watched as he twisted a good portion of the pasta and put it on the plate. He even put some garnish! Kamukha siya nung mga order ko sa resto. This carbonara could easily be like 700php a plate in one of the restos na kinakainan ko.

“That looks so good,” I couldn’t help but comment.

“Hope it tastes good, too,” he said.

“I’m sure it tastes good,” sabi ko. “If it doesn’t, I’m still gonna pretend that it does.”

Natawa siya. “Oh, no. You don’t have to pretend with me. If it sucks, do tell so I can do better next time.”

I blinked.

Oh.

Why did that sound so nice?

And healthy?

Nang matapos siya sa paglalagay nung pagkain sa plato, nilagay na namin iyon sa may dining table nila. Medyo masikip actually dahil pang dalawahan lang naman talaga iyon tapos tatlo kami. But we made it work since wala naman kaming choice.

“That looks good,” sabi ni Zion.

“Yeah. Arielle’s a great sous chef,” sabi ni Fabian.

I awkwardly smiled. “You did all the heavy lifting.”

“Next time, you’ll cook and I’ll assist,” sabi naman ni Fabian.

Napatingin ako kay Zion at nakatingin lang siya sa aming dalawa. Bahagyang magkasalubong ang mga kilay niya. If this was him pretending that we didn’t know each other, he’s failing at it miserably! Mukha siyang bwisit sa aming dalawa ni Fabian and it showed a lot on his facial expression.

We began to eat. Binuksan din ni Zion iyong dala ko na wine. Mukhang sanay na sanay siyang magbukas ng wine. I mean, maybe it’s a French thing? Kasi kapag ako ang magbubukas, hirap na hirap ako. He did it so effortlessly.

“How did you two meet?” Zion asked while holding his glass of wine. He barely touched his food.

“Gym,” Fabian asked.

“So, you go to the gym?” Zion asked me while looking at me.

I had to smile and to compose myself. I knew that by answering this like we didn’t know each other, I was just digging a deeper hole to bury myself in. And I hated that I was making a fool out of Fabian. He deserved so much better than this shit.

“Just started,” I replied.

“Fabian’s always at the gym,” Zion commented.

“You’re always at the gym,” Fabian replied. “He just goes really late at night,” he continued, but now looking at me.

“I refuse to wake up early to go to the gym.”

“Because you’re always out late partying,” Fabian replied, shrugging.

Zion shrugged. “I call it networking.”

“We have an agency for a reason,” Fabian casually said but for some reason, mukhang nagbago ang mood ni Zion dahil hindi na siya nagsalita pa at tahimik na lang na inubos iyong pagkain niya at inumin tapos ay nag-excuse na siya papunta sa kwarto niya.

I wanted to ask Fabian kung may nangyari ba na hindi ako aware? Like may backstory ba sa kanilang dalawa? Because something felt off!

“I’ll be out the whole week,” biglang sabi ni Fabian.

“Work?”

He nodded. “For some campaign,” he said.

What I noticed about him, he’s really humble. He never told me what brand he’s working with. Magugulat na lang ako na sikat iyong mga brand na ka-trabaho niya. Sobrang nagulat nga ako nung biglang may billboard ako na nakita on my way to Makati na may mukha niya. So weird! I mean, kahit si Nikki never ko pa nakita sa billboard. Tapos itong si Fabian very chill lang.

“Good luck and have fun,” I replied because really, what was there to ask?

“Thanks,” he said with that adorable smile of his. “But when I get back, I’ll be having a party.”

“Work party?”

Umiling siya. “More like birthday party.”

“Oh. Of whom?”

“Me.”

My lips parted. “Oh…” I said.

Were we getting serious? I mean, he already introduced me to his co-workers, invited me to his place, and even cooked dinner for me! Tapos ngayon ay invited na ako sa birthday party niya na for sure ay kasama iyong mga kaibigan niya.

Shit.

I really needed to tell him about Zion.

“You don’t have to get me any gift,” sabi niya. Akala niya siguro ay iyon ang iniisip ko. Fuck. I was so unfair to him. I really should tell him.

“I will get you a gift,” I replied. More like the gift of the truth… probably. Pero kailan ko ba dapat sabihin sa kanya? Kapag sinabi ko sa kanya ngayon, baka maapektuhan iyong trabaho niya. He’d be gone for a week for a shoot. It sounded like a huge campaign. Pagbalik niya naman, baka masira ko iyong birthday niya.

Pagkatapos na lang ng birthday niya.

Right.

Pero paano na sila ni Zion? Roommate pa naman sila.

Fuck.

There’s no good time to tell the guy you’re dating that you’ve been lying to his face when he’s been nothing but perfectly nice to you.

I fucking messed this up big time.

Fabian chuckled. His phone rang and he excused himself dahil mukhang business call iyon. He went to his room while I continued to dry the plates that we finished washing. I insisted na ako na iyong maghugas ng plato, but Fabian helped me.

But then I heard the door open.

Tumingin ako sa pag-aakala na si Fabian iyon, pero si Zion ang bumungad sa akin. He was looking at me. His brows were slightly furrowed. Dumiretso siya sa may ref. Binuksan niya iyon at saka kumuha ng pitsel na may tubig.

“Are you okay?” I asked because he seemed like he’s in a bad mood. Ano ba iyong nasabi ni Fabian kanina? May hindi ba ako narinig? Did I space out while they were talking?

He finished pouring himself a glass. Hawak niya iyon. Hindi sadyang napatingin ako sa mga daliri niya.

It’s so weird to be around him and act casual when this guy had seen me naked and had his tongue lick every inch of my fucking body.

“Why won’t I be okay?” he replied. He sounded like a jerk.

“Whatever,” I said and brought my attention back to what I was doing. I just wanted to be a nice person to him, but why did I forget that it’s him I was talking to? The guy who thought I was good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date?

“I’m sorry,” bigla niyang sabi nang mapagtanto niya na hindi ko nagustuhan iyong tono ng boses niya.

Hindi ako nagsalita at nagpatuloy lang si ginagawa ko. I didn’t have to be nice to him. I owed him nothing. I should constantly remind myself of that.

“Are you serious with him?” he suddenly asked. His voice was low like he didn’t want him to hear us talking.

“Yes,” I replied without even boring to look at him. Hindi siya nagsalita hanggang sa matapos ako at mapatingin ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa ako nabigla nang makita ko na nasa akin iyong mga mata niya. I knew that he’d been watching my every movement. I refused to be affected by that.

I didn’t want to overthink his actions because his actions mean nothing. I thought I had learned as much from what we had before.

“He’s a great guy,” I told him.

“Yes, he is. Annoyingly so,” he replied.

“You’re annoyed that he’s great?”

“No,” he said, scoffing.

“You sound jealous.”

“In your dreams,” sabi niya at natawa ako nang hindi ko sinasadya dahil sa reaksyon niya na parang mas gugustuhin niyang mamatay kaysa umamin na nagseselos siya.

“I missed that,” bigla niyang sabi.

I blinked.

“You laughing.”

I bit the inside of my lips.

“Stop,” I said.

“What?”

“Whatever you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

Hindi ako nagsalita.

He’s being such an ass.

“Can’t we be friends?’ he asked.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Zion, stop.”

“That’s a first,” sabi niya. “You never told me to stop before.”

I felt my face heating up at the insinuation.

“Zion—” I said, pero hindi natapos ang sasabihin ko dahil bumukas ang pintuan at lumabas na ng kwarto niya si Fabian. I forced myself to smile at him. “You done?” I asked instead and he nodded and helped me put the dishes back. He even lent me a container para doon ko ilagay iyong carbonara. I was only kidding nung sinabi ko na maguuwi ako, yet binigyan niya talaga ako.

Fabian’s a great guy. I really needed to sort myself out. 

**

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Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Fabian’s busy with work, but he still managed to text me every now and then. He’s in the beach, so I received a lot of topless photos from him. I was not complaining.

But the more nice he was to me, the more guilt it was that I was feeling. Kaya naman nakapagdesisyon na ako na pagkatapos ng birthday party niya ay sasabihin ko na sa kanya iyong sa amin ni Zion. Kaya na rin nag-aya ako ng dinner kasama sila Nikki para humingi ng tulong. I needed to do this right.

“I need help,” bungad ko pag-alis nung waitress after namin umorder.

“About?” tanong ni Gem kaya naman nagsimula akong magkwento sa kanila tungkol sa nangyari nung party. Nanlaki iyong mga mata ni Gem kasabay ng pagkurot at paghampas niya sa akin habang kalmado naman si Nikki. If I didn’t know her any better, I’d think that she’s just her usual composed self. But I knew her. We’ve been friends for so long.

“You knew!” sabi ko sa kanya dahil sa itsura niya pa lang ay alam niya na na magkakilala sina Zion at Fabian! Worse, alam niya siguro na roommate!

“Knew what?” she asked with her brow arched.

“Na roommate sila.”

“I didn’t know that,” she replied.

“Liar,” I said.

“I know they’re from the same agency and maybe friends, but I have no knowledge of their housing situation,” parang gago na sabi ni Nikki.

I frowned at her. “You could’ve told me?”

“And what? Ruin the surprise?”

“Bitch,” I said tapos natawa siya sa akin.

“Seriously, though,” she replied. “I didn’t tell you because I thought that once the name of Zion’s mentioned, you’ll avoid Fabian like a plague.”

“Ang OA.”

Gem nodded. “Agreed. Sobrang allergic mo kaya kay Zion.”

“Ang OA niyong dalawa,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Remember nung isang beses na nasa Shang tayo tapos akala mo si Zion iyong kakadating lang? Halos magtago ka sa ilalim ng table?” kwento ni Gem na napairap na lang ako kasi totoo naman. In my defense, ayoko talaga makita si Zion dahil after ’yon nung basically i-reject niya ako at i-block ko siya sa Snapchat. Ayoko siyang makita. Sino ba ang gustong makita iyong tao na ni-reject siya?

“Besides, I heard nothing but good thing about Fabian,” sabi ni Nikki. “Didn’t want you rejecting him because of Zion.”

“Sa tingin niyo talaga gagawin ko ’yon?” I asked and then nodded at the same time na para bang nag-practice silang dalawa. Was it really that bad? Na sa tingin nila ay kung nalaman ko noon na magkakilala sina Zion at Fabian ay agad akong iiwas kay Fabian?

“Oh, wow…”

“I didn’t mean it as an offense—” Nikki said.

“I know,” I replied, cutting her off bago pa niya isipin na minasama ko iyong sinabi niya. Nikki could be blunt at times, but I always knew that she meant well. I may be older than her, but when it came to… this? She’s way ahead of me. I knew that she just didn’t want me to fuck my life up.

“So, what will you do now?”

I sighed. “I need to tell him.”

“You should,” Nikki said.

“Paano mo sasabihin?” tanong ni Gem.

“Hindi ko alam. It feels like walang madaling way para sabihin sa kanya iyon…” Muli akong bumuntong-hininga. “It’s not as if pwede kong sabihin sa kanya na ‘hey, fubu nga pala kami before ng roommate mo’ right? Ang gago lang.”

Tumingin ako sa kanilang dalawa, naghihintay ng sasabihin nila kung paano ko sasabihin.

“Nikki?” I asked when a solid 30 seconds passed at wala silang sinabi sa akin.

“What?”

“Suggestion?”

“I say honesty is the best policy,” sabi niya sa akin.

“Pero choose your words?” sabi ni Gem.

“I know naman,” sagot ko. “It’s just that… what are the right words, you know?”

“If Fabian’s the nice guy that I heard he is, he’ll be fine with it,” sabi ni Nikki. “Just tell him the situation. That you and Zion had a thing, but that it didn’t work out. And that you knew nothing about them knowing each other that’s why you weren’t able to say anything.”

I nodded. “Okay… pero paano kapag tinanong niya kung bakit ang tagal bago ko nasabi?”

Nikki shrugged. “Why did it take so long nga ba?”

I sighed. “Kasi nakakahiya.”

“Why?”

“Ewan ko.”

“I mean, it did hurt you, but why is it embarrassing?” Nikki asked.

“I don’t know. Kasi ni-reject niya ako?”

“So?”

“You don’t know how it feels to be rejected,” I told her.

“Yeah, because if it ever goes that way, I tell myself that I’m too good for them anyways. It’s called delusion, babe,” sabi niya kaya naman natawa ako. “But in all seriousness, you’re an adult. You had consensual sexual relations with a guy that you liked. How is that embarrassing?”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita kasi may sense siya as always.

“Never be embarrassed about the things that make you happy, okay? Life’s too short for that.”

I sighed. “I know…” sabi ko. “But what if magbago ang tingin sa akin ni Fabian after ko sabihin?”

“Then you should ditch him.”

“I mean, it’s totally understandable if aayawan niya ako kasi alam mo ’yon? Nagka-something na kami ng roommate niya? It’s weird kahit saang angle ko tignan.”

Nakatingin lang sa akin si Nikki for an uncomfortable period of time.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said. “I’m starting to get the feeling that you’re already ready to give Fabian up. I don’t wanna waste my breath.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “Grabe ka naman.”

“What? Back me up,” sabi niya kay Gem.

Tumingin ako kay Gem at tumango siya. “Labyu, okay? Pero para kasing ang dating, give up ka na kay Fabian ngayon pa lang. Na gumagawa ka na ng reason at jinu-justify mo na agad iyong pag-giveup mo.”

“But—”

Pero hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa dahil dumating na iyong pagkain namin. Habang kumakain tuloy ako ay iyon lang ang iniisip ko. Was I sabotaging my thing with Fabian? Unconsciously so? Pero bakit? When I was consciously aware that he’s good for me?

Dumiretso na ako sa condo after naming kumain. I thanked them for the talk. It was enlightening. I really love my friends. Dalawa man sila, pero at least alam ko na totoo sila. Dati, gusto ko ng maraming kaibigan kasi akala ko iyon iyong sukatan na masaya ka? Lalo na nung high school ako. Pero ngayon? Okay na ako sa dalawa pero alam ko na may pakielam talaga sa akin.

Sabi nga ni Nikki, find friends who will talk shit about you in front of you, never behind you.

Instead of working, I made a list of the talking points ng mga sasabihin ko kay Fabian. I just really needed to do this correctly. Contrary to what Nikki and Gem thought, I like Fabian and I wanted to make this work… It’s just that I also couldn’t blame him if he’ll want to end things with me.

Iyon kasing kay Zion, pakiramdam ko ay wala akong nagawang mali kaya nasaktan ako talaga… Itong kay Fabian? I knew that I screwed up by not telling him and prolonging this. It would hurt, but I would understand it. Mas mahirap kasi iyong pakiramdam mo nawala ka namang ginawa na masama tapos bigla kang naiwan.

When I finished making the list, mayroon doong maliit na note sa ibaba na may posibilidad na mawalan ng kwarto si Zion o kaya naman ay maging awkward sa pagitan nila o kaya ay magalit si Fabian sa kanila.

Me: Zion

Napaawang ang labi ko nang makita ko na nabuksan niya agad iyong message ko.

Zion5200 is typing…

This fucking felt like deja vu.

Zion5200: Arielle

Zion5200: Also wow I graduated from the block list

Me: I’ll be telling Fabian after his birthday

Zion5200: Okay

Me: Just giving you a head’s up

Zion5200: Thanks?

Me: You’re welcome?

Zion5200: Lol

Zion5200: What made you decide

Zion5200: I thought I’ll be your dirty little secret for the rest of your life

Me: Shut up. You’re the one who told me that it’s a secret

Zion5200: I really did tell you that, didn’t I

Me: You did

Zion5200: What else did I tell you

Me: Too many to type

Zion5200: Wanna tell me in person?

No.

Don’t go there, Arielle.

Zion5200: I’ll be going out to buy something anyway. Wanna walk with me?

Me: I’m dating your roommate

Zion5200: I know

Me: Stop this shit

Zion5200: What shit? I’m asking you to walk with me? Not to open your legs for me?

Me: You’re unbelievable

Zion5200: Yet you’re still replying

Zion5200: Think about that

Ito ata iyong sinasabi nila na red flag, pero bulag ako. Na red flag, pero flag pole ako. I used to shake my head at those girls dahil bakit sila willingly lalapit sa mga lalaki na alam nila na hindi mabuti sa kanila? Joke’s on me because I was doing the same fucking thing despite all logic and rationality.

Me: Because you’re an attention whore

Zion5200: Am I really

Me: You are

Zion5200: Hmm

Me: Whatever

Me: Just being a good samaritan. So don’t be surprised if he gets mad at you or whatever.

Zion5200: You think he’ll get mad?

Me: I don’t know

Zion5200: If he did, his loss

Me: Shut up

Zion5200: Seriously

Zion5200: Do you like him

Hindi agad ako nakapagreply.

What do I tell him? And how do I tell him? It’s just fucking weird all over to talk about the guy you’re dating with the guy you used to sleep with. I was not that casual.

Me: Yes

He typed and then stopped. And then typed. And then stopped again. What the fuck was he typing that he kept on erasing?

Zion5200: Just tell him I told you not to tell him

Me: He’ll be pissed at you

Zion5200: It’s fine

Me: He’ll probably kick you out

Zion5200: Let me worry about that lol

Zion5200: But is this you offering your place if I get kicked out

I left him on read

Zion5200: But seriously just throw me under the bus. I don’t care

Zion5200: I know I’d been an ass towards you. Consider this as me making amends

Hindi pa rin ako makapagreply.

‘It’s been a long day at work. How’s your day?’ bigla kong na-receive na iMessage mula kay Fabian. ‘But I’ll be going to that 711 near you. Offer to walk with me still stands,’ bigla kong natanggap na message mula sa snapchat galing kay Zion.

I briefly closed my eyes and drew a deep breath. Nagreply ako kay Fabian at hindi na nagreply kay Zion. I needed to consciously avoid Zion and to consciously and consistently choose Fabian.

I know who’s good for me and that’s Fabian—end of fucking discussion. 

**

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Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Tatlong araw na lang at babalik na si Fabian tapos ay birthday celebration niya na. Kinakabahan ako. Para akong masusuka na hindi ko maintindihan tuwing iniisip ko na sasabihin ko na sa kanya iyong tungkol sa amin ni Zion dati. Bakit kasi hindi ko na lang sinabi sa kanya dati nung una kong nalaman? I had to pretend that I didn’t know Zion. I just dug a deep hole to bury myself in.

I decided to go to the mall para maghanap ng regalo para kay Fabian. Nung isang araw pa ako nag-iisip ng ibibigay sa kanya. Nagtanong na rin ako kay Nikki, pero tinawanan lang ako at tinanong kung mukha bang nagbibigay siya ng regalo sa lalaki. Fair point. Si Gem naman ay wala ring ambag. Kaya naman pupunta na lang ako sa mall. Wala naman akong schedule na gagawin today at sabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako uuwi hanggang wala akong nabibili na regalo.

Pumunta ako ng maaga para wala pang masyadong tao. Ang ayoko kasi talaga sa mall ay masyadong maraming tao. Kaya pumupunta lang talaga ako kapag may kailangan akong bilhin agad. Otherwise, I’d rather shop online.

I was pretending to know what I was doing because I just didn’t like the thought of sales personnel following me all throughout the store. Alam ko naman na ginagawa lang nila iyong trabaho nila, but I felt like iniisip nila na may nanakawin ako.

Nakatingin ako sa mga gym bags. Fabian usually just wears jogger pants and sleeveless shirt kapag nasa gym siya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang size niya dahil parang ang weird naman itanong.

I looked around para maghanap ng pagtatanungan if may stock ba nung isang bag na nakita ko nang matigilan ako dahil nakita ko si Zion na nandoon.

Oh, shit.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Do I just turn around and leave the store? Pero hindi niya naman pag mamay-ari ’to. Besides, it wasn’t as if we planned to meet here. At saka naka-pili na ako ng bibilhin ko, e.

Pero bago pa man ako makapag-isip ng gagawin ay napa-tingin siya sa gawi ko. He probably felt that someone was staring at him.

His expression changed from confusion to smiling. Naglakad siya papunta sa akin habang hawak iyong sapatos na tinitignan niya.

“There you are,” he said with a rather flirtatious undertone. Hindi ako nagsalita at nakatingin lang sa kanya. Tumingin siya sa hawak ko na bag. “Need a new gym bag?” he asked.

“For Fabian’s birthday,” I told him.

“Right,” he replied, slightly nodding his head.

“Nice to see you,” sabi ko tapos ay ibinaba ko na iyong bag na hawak ko. Hindi pa naman siguro ito iyong last stock. Babalikan ko na lang bukas. I just really knew that being around this guy wasn’t good for me.

I was well aware that he’s not good for me, pero sabi nga nila, leche bakit masarap iyong bawal?

“Wait,” sabi niya nang tumalikod ako at humakbang palayo sa kanya.

Huminga ako nang malalim dahil agad akong napahinto nang marinig ko iyong boses niya. I hated how this guy had me wrapped around his fingers. Like at what point in our short-lived ‘affair’ did he manage to do that?

“What?” I asked, looking at him and blatantly showing him my displeasure na inaabala niya ako.

“He’s already got a lot of bags from his sponsors,” bigla niyang sabi.

“What?”

“Fabian,” he said. “He already has that bag,” dugtong niya sabay turo sa ibinaba kong bag.

“Oh,” I replied. “Thank you,” sabi ko. Mabuti na lang din at sinabi niya. Sayang naman kung meron na pala nun si Fabian. Knowing him, he’d still thank me and still use the bag kahit meron na siya non. He’ll probably give the other bag away tapos iyong sa akin iyong gagamitin niya. He’s just that nice.

“He likes reading those self-help books,” he said, shrugging. “He likes reading in general.”

God, can that guy get any more perfect?

“Thanks for the tip,” I told him.

“No problem.”

And then once again, we were staring at each other. I should leave. Right. I should leave and go home because apparently, the one time I decided to go to the mall, nakita ko agad iyong tao na pinakauna sa listahan ng ayaw ko makasalubong. Such was my luck.

“Arielle,” he called my name.

“What?”

“Can’t we hangout?”

“I told you—”

“As friends,” he said, cutting me off. “I promise I won’t do anything.”

“Zion—”

“Please?” he said, looking at me with those eyes. Why were his eyes so intense? I could get lost looking at them. “I don’t have a lot of friends here.”

“I beg to differ.”

“What?”

“Your model friends.”

“They’re work friends. It’s different,” he replied.

“The woman you were with before?” I asked. “The one who asked you who I was.”

Guilt immediately crossed his face.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was an ass to you. I know that.”

“You know yet you still did?”

“I have no excuse.”

“Right…” I said. “We can’t hangout.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

“Because what?”

“Because it’s weird.”

“Why?”

Why was he so exhausting?

And why was I still engaging in this exhausting conversation?

“Because I’ll tell Fabian about us and I don’t think he’ll like it if we hangout after the fact,” I said.

“So, you’re doing things for his approval?”

“No, out of respect,” I replied. “If… if he still wants to be with me after I tell him.”

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

Why did he have to look at me like that?!

“Look, I’m sorry you don’t have friends,” I told him although I found it hard to believe na wala siyang kaibigan. He’s nice. Kind of. We didn’t hangout a lot, but the one time we did, he was fun to be with. He just needed to find the right people. Hindi naman kailangan na ako ’yon. “But I can’t be your friend.”

There was a defeated look on his face.

No, Arielle.

’Wag kang maawa sa kanya.

You owe him nothing.

“I can,” I said and sighed. “I can ask Nikki to introduce you to some people.”

Damn it!

Bakit ba hindi na lang ako tumalikod at umalis?!

He looked at me like he wasn’t a fan of the idea, but he didn’t outright reject my offer. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin na parang nagiisip.

“Okay,” he said.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Okay what?”

“Have Nikki introduce me to some people,” he said.

My lips parted. “Oh… Okay.”

“Why?” tanong niya. “You don’t want me to meet other people?” he asked like he’s taunting me.

I scoffed. The fucking audacity of this French! “You’re unbelievable,” I said habang umiiling sa kanya.

“What?” he asked, laughing like he’s finding this amusing. “Was just asking.”

Hindi na ako sumagot sa kanya at naglakad na paalis—clearly, something that I should’ve done minutes ago because talking to this guy was hurting my brain.

---

I was supposed to spend the whole day in the mall, pero naisip ko na baka magkita na naman kami ni Zion kaya mas pinili ko na tumambay na lang sa condo. Gusto ko sanang tanungin si Zion kung may idea ba siya kung ano iyong mga libro na meron na si Fabian, but my entire system told me that that’s a terrible idea.

I tried to look at Fabian’s IG account, but it’s mostly pictures of him professionally taken. Kaya siguro medyo nagulat ako na mahilig siyang magluto at magbasa kasi wala kang makikita na ganon sa IG account niya. Sinubukan ko rin na tignan iyong following list niya at mostly sports account o memes account o account ng ibang mga model na mukhang kaibigan niya.

There must be something wrong about him! I refuse to believe that he’s close to perfection.

Zion5200 is typing…

My god.

It’s like I couldn’t escape him!

Zion5200: So about Nikki

Me: Fine I will tell her

Zion5200: When

Me: When she’s not busy

Zion5200: When is that

Me: I don’t know. I’m not her manager

Zion5200: Okay but I need friends. I get lonely you know

Me: Use tinder or bumble or go out and meet people

Zion5200: Nah tinder is full of girls trying to fuck. Bumble is full of girls messaging ‘hey’

Me: So? Isn’t that what you want?

Zion5200: What do I want

Me: To fuck

Zion5200: Lol do you think I’m a slut

Me: Kinda

Zion5200: Ouch

Me: You did fuck me the first night we met

Zion5200: Couldn’t help it. You look so good

Me: See? This is why we can’t be friends. We can’t have a conversation without you making innuendos

I saw him typing, erasing, and then typing once again.

Zion5200: Fine

Zion5200: I will try to be as wholesome as I can be

Me: You talk like being a decent human being is such a task

Zion5200: It is when it comes to you

Me: What the fuck do you mean

Zion5200: Nothing

Me: You’re infuriating

Zion5200: I know

Zion5200: Just get Nikki to introduce me to people

Me: Can’t you really make friends on your own

Zion5200: No

Me: But you can fuck someone you just met

Zion5200: No comment

We talked for a while until I fell asleep. Nang magising ako ay nakita ko na nagmessage sa akin si Fabian. He was asking me how my day was and if I would be okay with FaceTime because apparently, he missed seeing my face.

I messaged Nikki telling him about the conversation I had with Zion. Maybe if Zion has other friends, he’d leave me alone. Baka kaya ako lang ang ginugulo niya ngayon ay totoo na wala siyang kaibigan. Ewan ko ba. With that guy, you’d never really know what’s up.

Nikki: Is this serious?

Me: Yup

Nikki: Weird ask but sure?

Me: Thank you

Nikki: Do you want me to introduce him to guys or girls as well?

Me: Idk bakit mo tinatanong

Nikki: I don’t want you getting mad at me

Me: Why would I be mad at you

Nikki: Haha sure let’s pretend that nothing’s happening

Me: Ewan ko sa yo

Nikki: Sure babe whatever you tell yourself

Nikki: There’s a party tonight. I’ll ask him to come with me

Nikki told me na may house party siya na pupuntahan somewhere in Alabang at isasama niya si Zion doon. I told her that she didn’t need to update me kung ano ang gagawin nila ni Zion. That’s none of my business. Fabian’s my business.

I talked with Fabian and asked him about his work. He said it can get pretty exhausting, but he really enjoys what he’s doing and that he knows he’s lucky to be able to do something that he loves—and that he can travel for free, too. Must be really nice.

Ilang beses ako nag-try na itanong sa kanya kung anong libro ang gusto niya, but that would be weird to ask! Kung sana may kilala lang ako na kaibigan niya na pwede ko matanong tungkol dito. Weird kaya if magmemessage ako bigla sa mga model friends niya?

I went to Instagram to look at Fabian’s following list. I was scanning through the photos to remember who among these beautiful people seemed the most friendly. Baka kasi friendly last sila before dahil lasing sila.

Then I clicked through Erick’s profile. May Instagram story doon. I clicked on it and saw that he’s in some party. I was about to exit the story when familiar faces caught my eyes.

It was Nikki and Zion laughing—Nikki was whispering something in Zion’s ears and he was laughing like it was the funniest shit he’s ever heard.

What was happening? Kailan pa sila naging close? 

**

This story is already at Chapter 23 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

“What?” Nikki asked nang mahuli niya ako na nakatingin sa kanya.

“What?” I replied back, deflecting dahil guilty ako na nakatingin sa kanya.

“You’re staring.”

“I wasn’t,” I said. “May iniisip lang ako.”

Her forehead was creased. “If you say so…” sabi niya tapos ay ibinalik niya iyong atensyon niya sa phone niya. Kanina pa siya may ka-text. Hinihintay namin si Gem na dumating kasi may brunch date kami ngayon.

I tried to divert my attention elsewhere. Kinuha ko rin iyong cellphone ko at naglaro na lang doon. I was starting to get into the game nang mapatingin ako kay Nikki dahil tumawa siya. I wanted to ask kung bakit siya natawa, but I consciously stopped myself. So what if tumawa siya? Hindi ko naman first time na makitang tumawa si Nikki.

I was being weird.

But then she laughed again.

“So… how was the party?” tanong ko dahil hindi ko na ma-contain iyong curiosity ko. Hindi naman niya alam na nakita ko sa IG story ni Erick iyong sa kanila ni Zion. Also, hindi naman siguro weird na magtanong ako sa kanya kasi in the first place, ako naman iyong humingi ng favor sa kanya. Natural lang naman na ma-curious ako.

“What party?” she asked.

“Iyong sinama mo si Zion,” I said as casually as I possibly could habang hinahalo ko iyong straw nung inumin ko.

She arched her left eyebrow a bit. She looked at me and then shrugged. “It was fun.”

“Because?”

“Of alcohol?”

“Uminom kayo?”

“I did,” sabi niya. “Zion drove, so he has to stay sober.”

“May sasakyan siya?”

“I let him drive my car.”

“You let him drive your car?” I asked kasi parang hindi naman sila ganoon ka-close para hayaan niya si Zion na i-drive iyong sasakyan niya?

Nikki nodded. “He seems pretty responsible,” sabi niya. “Besides, I told him if he even as much as put a dent in my car, I’d hound his freaking ass.”

Tumango lang ako. Nikki arched her brow.

“Why are you suddenly curious? The last time we talked, you told me that I didn’t have to update you kung ano ang ginagawa namin,” she said.

“I know,” sabi ko. “Just making small talk. Ang tagal ni Gem, e.”

“If you say so,” she replied with a small laughter.

“Whatever.”

“I did introduce him to some people as promised,” sabi ni Nikki.

“Okay.”

“He was talking to some girls tho.”

“Okay.”

“You’re not jealous.”

“No. Bakit naman ako magseselos?”

Tumawa si Nikki. “Whatever you say, Pinocchio,” sabi niya na naiiling tapos ay binalik iyong atensyon niya sa phone niya.

A few minutes passed at wala pa rin si Gem. Nasaan na ba iyong babae na ’yon! Siya nag-aya nito, e. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. I should’ve brought my laptop with me at nagtrabaho na lang ako kaysa kung anu-ano ang iniisip ko.

But then again, my intrusive thoughts won.

I went to see Zion’s snapchat account and saw his snap score increasing.

Sino kaya ang ka-chat niya?

Si Nikki kaya?

Ano naman kaya ang pinaguusapan nila kung sila nga ang magkausap? It must be something fun dahil nakikita ko na natatawa si Nikki sa kung anuman ang binabasa niya sa phone niya.

Minsan talaga ayoko na lang magkaroon ng utak, e! Ito talaga iyong ignorance is bliss!

’ Any new friends?’ chat ko kay Zion. Fuck my self-control—it’s basically non-existent at this point. Alam ko na hindi dapat ako maghintay sa reply niya. I did that before and that was not fun at all. I still did it anyway. And I made another mistake of looking at his snap score na muling tumaas ng dalawang beses.

He had to see that I messaged him.

Pero mas inuna niya pang magreply sa iba.

Si Nikki ba iyong kausap niya? Na una niyang nireplyan sa akin? Why was I a bit pissed?

The fuck was wrong with me!

Agad akong tumayo at kinuha ang gamit ko. Napatingin sa akin si Nikki. “Where are you going?”

“Work,” I said. “May biglang pinapagawa sa akin,” I continued at saka nagsorry ako at nagpaalam na aalis na ako bago pa man siya makapagtanong pa.

Habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa condo ay napagdesisyunan ko na burahin iyong snapchat app ko. I didn’t want to remove or block Zion from my friends dahil magmumukha lang akong tanga. But I also didn’t want to watch his snap score go up habang hindi siya nagrereply sa akin.

It was one thing that he’s talking to someone else—more so kung si Nikki iyong kausap niya.

“Cancelled ba iyong dinner?” tanong ni Gem nang magkasalubong kami. Papunta siya sa resto habang pauwi ako. She was just asking me kung cancelled ba iyong dinner. Biglang nanlaki iyong mga mata niya habang nakatingin siya sa akin. “Uy, bakit ka umiiyak?! Okay lang ba parents mo?!”

Agad akong napahawak sa ilalim ng mga mata ko. Why the fuck was I crying!

“Wala,” sabi ko habang pinupunasan ko iyon. “Napuwing lang ako.”

Nakatingin sa akin si Gem. We had been friends for a long enough time for her to know that I was lying.

“Si Nikki?” she asked.

“Nandun na,” sabi ko habang pinipilit na huminga nang maayos. Parang tanga kasi. Bakit ba ako umiiyak? Minsan na nga lang ako umiyak, sa walang kwentang dahilan pa!

“Iniwan mo?”

“May biglang kailangan akong gawin sa work.”

“Tungkol ba ’to sa IG story ni Erick?” biglang tanong niya.

Pagak akong natawa. “What? Anong IG story?” pagmamaang-maangan ko. Pero walang silbi dahil nakatingin lang sa akin si Gem. “Ano ba’ng meron sa IG ni Erick?” I doubled down.

“You know I love you…”

“I know.”

“Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo?”

“What?”

“I’ve been spending time with Erick. Minsan sinasama niya ako sa mga lakad nila. Friends si Fabian at Zion. Ayaw mo naman siguro maging babae na dahilan kung bakit nagkagalit iyong magkaibigan, ’di ba?”

Napaawang ang labi ko.

“Alam naman natin pareho kung sino iyong gusto mo,” she said. “Just stop leading Fabian on kasi alam naman natin na si Zion talaga iyong gusto mo. Kaya nga ganyan iyong reaksyon mo dahil lang nakita mo si Nikki at Zion na magkasama,” she continued. “Wag kang magalit sa akin, okay? Sinasabi ko sa ’yo ’to kasi kaibigan kita,” she added.

“I know. It’s just—”

“Hard? It is. Wala naman akong sinabi na madali. But you’re stringing someone along while fully knowing who you really like. Ayaw mo kay Zion kasi red flag. Guess what? Red flag ka kay Fabian.”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

“Zion’s probably a little better kasi at least sinabi niya sa ’yo right from the beginning kung ano iyong real score. Si Fabian, walang ka-alam-alam,” diretsong sabi niya. “Sorry ha. Kailangan mo na ng tough love, e. I know bago ka lang sa ganito; bago rin naman ako. But I know better.”

I bit my lower lip as I struggled to even my breathing.

“Just think about it, okay? ’Wag mo nang patagalin. The sooner you do it, the quicker it’ll all be over,” she said. “Still, at the end of the day, choice mo pa rin naman ’yan. Basta ginawa ko na iyong part ko bilang mabuting kaibigan. Bahala ka na sa iba.”

Tapos ay bigla niya akong niyakap at sinabihan na mahal niya ako tapos ay nagpaalam na pupuntahan niya na si Nikki dahil nagugutom na siya.

---

I didn’t want to destroy Fabian’s birthday, but I didn’t want to lead him on any further. I tried to reply to his messages sa paraan na hindi niya mahahalata na may mali. Iyon na lang siguro iyong regalo ko sa kanya—na hindi ko sirain iyong birthday niya.

I like Zion.

I just really like him for some fucked up reason.

I hated a lot of things about him, but he has got me in chokehold and I could do nothing about that no matter how hard I tried.

Pero tama si Gem. Ayokong makasira ng pagkakaibigan. I would just do the decent thing and tell Fabian that it’s not working out for me. Didistansya na lang ako sa kanya, sa kanila. I’d been fine being by myself for so long. What difference would it make once again?

“Are we good?” Nikki asked me nang magkasalubong kami sa parking nung club kung saan gaganapin iyong birthday ni Fabian.

“Oo naman,” sabi ko na may maliit na ngiti.

“You’re not replying to any of my messages.”

“Dami lang ginawa sa work.”

“Okay…”

“Kanina ka pa ba dito?”

“No. Just arrived.”

“Ikaw lang?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Nothing,” I said.

I had done a lot of thinking the past day. I would be the absolute worst human being kung magagalit ako kay Nikki dahil lang close sila ni Zion. Nikki’s my best friend. She’s been with me through thick and thin. And she did me a favor nung dinala niya si Zion sa party. Para lang akong tanga kung magagalit ako sa kanya dahil ginawa niya iyong bagay na ako mismo ang humiling na gawin niya.

She anchored her arm with mine. “I’m freaking starving,” she said. “Had a shoot yesterday. I’ve only eaten salad the past 24 hours. I might collapse at any moment.”

Natawa ako. “Wag ka muna uminom kung ’di ka pa pala kumakain.”

“I’m definitely getting fries before I drink anything,” she said tapos ay sabay kaming naglakad papasok.

Nikki knew a lot of people. Nag-hi siya sa mga iyon bago kami naupo sa couch. Then she excused herself para pumunta sa counter para bumili ng pagkain. Hindi na kasi siya makahintay na pumunta rito iyong waiter dahil gutum na gutom na raw talaga siya.

I was messaging with Fabian. He asked me to message him kung nandito na ako. I told him that I just arrived. He told me that he’ll be there in a few minutes.

And then I saw him.

And then he saw me.

I felt my heart beating faster inside my chest.

Why the fuck did I want him so bad when my mind knew that he’s bad for me? Were humans really wired that way? Na gustuhin iyong masama para sa ’yo? Iyong bawal?

Why was I so attracted to the uncertainties?

With the games that he’s playing?

Zion gave me a small nod.

I did the same.

That was okay… right?

But I hated the small pang of jealousy that I felt in my chest nang makita ko kung saan siya pumunta. Nang lumapit siya sa lugar kung nasaan si Nikki. She was facing the bartender, probably placing an order nang lumapit doon si Zion at ilagay ang kamay niya sa likod ni Nikki. He whispered something in his ear at napalingon sa kanya si Nikki. It was probably something funny dahil nakita ko iyong pag-alog ng mga balikat ni Nikki. May inside jokes na ba sila? Kailan lang sila nagkasama sa party. Bakit parang ang close na nila?

God, I hated thinking about my best friend this way.

She didn’t deserve this.

I was the fucking worst.

Pumunta ako sa labas at nagpahangin. I just wanted to go home. Gusto ko na lang matulog dahil kapag gising ako ay ito lang ang iisipin ko kahit na alam ko na wala naman silang kasalanan sa akin. Kasi tama naman si Gem na sa kahit na anong anggulo ko tignan, ako iyong red flag dito. Ako iyong may kasalanan. I created the trouble that I was in.

“Party’s kind of a bust, right?”

Ni hindi ko kailangang tumingin sa kung kanino nanggaling iyong mga salitang iyon para malaman kung sino iyong nagsalita.

“I just needed some fresh air,” I replied.

He stood beside me and held onto the railing. “So, any word on the birthday boy?”

“On his way,” I said. “Had to finish some work.”

He nodded. “You’re telling him tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Guess I’ll know tomorrow if I need to ask my manager to get me another place to live in,” he said so casually but there was nothing casual about it. Kasi tama naman si Gem. Ayokong maging babae na nakasira sa pagkakaibigan.

“I won’t tell him about us,” I told him. “I’ll just tell him that it’s not working for me.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Why not what?”

“Tell him about us?”

“What’s the point?” I asked.

“You told me you’ll still date him if he’s fine with you and me having a history,” he replied. “What changed?”

“Nothing,” I said as I held on to the railings tighter.

“You said you like him.”

“I do.”

“So, why end things with him?”

“Do I need to explain every decision I make to you?” mabilis na sagot ko sa kanya dahil ayoko na nandito siya sa tabi ko. He’s just… so close yet so far away.

“No, but I’d like to hear,” he said.

“Because he deserves so much better than me, okay? I got a lot of things on my mind right now. He doesn’t deserve some half ass effort from me,” I told him.

“Isn’t that nice,” he sarcastically said.

“What the fuck do you want from me?”

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. I saw his jaw clenched. Why couldn’t he just go back inside and talk and laugh with Nikki? Why did he have to go here and fuck with my mind once again?

Tapos ay narinig ko iyong sigawan nang mga tao sa loob.

“He’s here,” I told him. “I’ll go back inside.”

“Why can’t it ever be that easy for me?” I heard him say, but I chose to ignore it because the two of us? It’s just so much more complicated than it needed to be. 

**

This story is already at Chapter 24 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

I stayed for a two hours sa birthday ni Fabian then I had to leave by telling him that I had a massive headache. He didn’t question me. Probably because I really looked like shit last night. I felt bad, but I just wanted to leave. I wasn’t fun to be around. I felt like I’d just drag the mood down with my presence.

“Hey,” sabi ni Fabian nang maupo siya sa upuan sa harap ko. I asked him to meet me in a coffee shop. It was already the day after his birthday. Tama naman si Gem, e. The sooner I do this, the sooner this would be over.

“Hey,” I replied with a small smile.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked.

“A bit,” sabi ko. Totoo naman na masakit iyong ulo ko—siguro sa kakaisip kung paano ko lulusutan iyong mga problema na ako naman ang gumawa.

“That’s good to hear,” he replied.

I looked at him as I clasped my hands together. He’s been nothing but a gentleman to me. Paano ko ba sisimulan ’to? I was the one who asked him out. Kung tutuusin, nananahimik siya pero ginulo ko bigla iyong buhay niya. He deserved so much better than me. I knew I was still not over Zion, yet I invited another guy into my life. What was I thinking? It was a disaster waiting to happen.

“Fabian,” I called out his name. He looked at me with those kind eyes. This was so hard. I hoped he didn’t like me at all so that what I was about to say wouldn’t sting.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

I practiced what I would say to him. I didn’t want to say the wrong word and risk hurting him. Wala naman siyang ginawang masama sa akin para masaktan ko.

“Just say it,” bigla niyang sabi.

“What?”

“I know what you want to say, but I can’t say it for you.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. Did he know? Iyong sa amin ni Zion? Paano niya nalaman? Sino ang nagsabi sa kanya? Galit ba siya sa akin? Galit ba siya kay Zion? Kailan niya pa alam?

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He reached for the glass and pulled it closer to his side. “I just told you I won’t say it for you,” he said. He looked at me. “Come on now. You can tell me.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanya.

Fuck it.

“I’m sorry,” I began because at the very least, that’s true. I was sorry for involving him in my mess. Because I was so in denial that I was never really over Zion. Na kahit anong klaseng red flag siya, I just… I just fucking wanted him so badly. It makes no sense to me, yet that’s just how I felt.

“Yeah, me, too,” he said. “We tried, though.”

“Still, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry, it’s all good,” sabi niya. “I genuinely enjoyed spending time with you.”

“I did, too.”

“You just didn’t like me that way.”

“No. I’m sorry,” sabi ko.

“It’s fine.”

“Do you like me that way?”

“I do,” sabi niya. “But you don’t like me that way and it’s fine. I’ll be over this, don’t worry.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Why was this easier than I thought? Siguro kasi totoong mabait si Fabian. Akala ko hindi totoo iyong mga taong walang masamang buto sa katawan. They felt like a myth to me. But then there’s this guy. Kaya pala lahat ng kakilala niya ay walang masabing masama sa kanya. He’s a nice guy through and through. Even in the face of rejection, he still remained nice to me. He was the total opposite of me. I really didn’t deserve him.

“When did you know?” I asked him.

“Last week,” he said.

“I hope I didn’t ruin your birthday.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“So, I did ruin it?”

“No,” he replied. “My friends were there. I had fun. It wasn’t all about you,” he said in a playful manner like he was trying to make me feel better.

Huminga ako nang malalim at saka tumango. Nakatingin ako sa kanya. Hinihintay ko na banggitin niya iyong pangalan ni Zion. Alam ba niya iyong tungkol doon at hindi niya lang sinasabi sa akin? Magagalit ba siya kapag nalaman niya?

Should I still tell him or just let this secret die with me?

“When did you realize that you don’t like me?” he asked.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. “Last week,” I replied.

“You don’t have to answer this,” he said. “But is there someone else?”

And I didn’t even say a word, but I knew that Fabian already got his answer.

---

I deactivated all my social media accounts. My phone was on do not disturb mode. I stayed inside my condo. I didn’t go out unless I absolutely have to. I ordered my grocery online.

I just felt like I needed to be by myself and to focus on myself. I needed to do this because I knew that I hurt my friends and that they deserve a better friend.

Huminga ako nang malalim nang makita ko sa peephole si Gem. It had been a month of solitude, but I knew that sooner or later, magpapakita siya. She just gave me space, but my time’s finally up.

“Did you bribe the receptionist para paakyatin ka agad dito na hindi ako tinatawagan?” I asked habang pinagbubuksan siya ng pinto.

“Duh, honorary resident ako dito,” she replied as she removed her outside slipper and wore the inside slipper na ginagamit niya kapag nandito siya. “Aba at buhay ka pa pala.”

Umirap ako. “OA mo.”

“Isang buwan ka kaya hindi nagparamdam.”

I shrugged because I didn’t have an excuse nor justification nor did I want to explain myself. Basta alam ko na alam na nila kung bakit ako nawala.

“Birthday ko next week,” she said.

“Oo, may regalo ka.”

Umirap siya. “Ibang regalo gusto ko,” she said. “Kausapin mo na si Nikki.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ha?”

“Alam mo naman na mataas iyong pride non, pero ramdam ko iyong stress niya na hindi mo siya kinakausap.”

“Di rin naman kita kinausap?”

“I know! Pero alam niya na kaya ka biglang MIA ay dahil sa kanila ni Zion.”

Natigilan ako.

So, meron na palang Nikki at Zion.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

This was what the whole month was about. Nikki’s my best friend. Kung masaya silang dalawa ni Zion, I should be happy for them. I had my chance with Zion, but somewhere along the way, someone blew it. Maybe they’re meant to be together. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, I was just the instrument para magkakilala silang dalawa.

Nikki’s a really great person. Mukha lang iyong masungit, but she’s one of the nicest people I know. She cares a lot. She has a huge heart. She deserves the world. I hope Zion sees that. I hope he’ll treat her better than he ever treated me.

“Uuwi si Erick and he’ll throw me a surprise birthday party.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Paano naging surprise kung alam mo na?”

Umirap siya. “Basta!” she said. “Iyong regalo ko is pumunta ka, okay? Tapos mag-usap na kayo, please. Hindi ka pa ba tapos sa hermitanya era mo?”

Inirapan ko rin siya. “I was literally just here the whole time. Akala mo naman umakyat ako sa bundok.”

“Well, you did go to Sagada nung unang beses kang ma-stress kay Zion. Malay ko ba kung may bundok ka na namang inakyat,” OA na sabi niya. “Basta sa birthday ko, okay? For sure ininvite ka ni Erick pero dahil naka-deactivate iyong IG mo e hindi siya nakapagsend.”

I sighed. “Okay.”

“Promise ’yan, ha!”

Tumango ako. “Oo nga.”

“Good, good,” she said. “May katanungan? Clarifications?”

Umiling ako. “Wala naman,” I said. “Ay, ano pala dress code?”

“Casual lang,” she replied. “Sa condo ni Erick iyong party.”

Oh.

Nakita ni Gem iyong pagbabago sa reaksyon ko. It had been a month. I did a lot of self-introspection, but I guess my facial control was still a bit lacking.

“Wala si Fabian sa Pinas,” sabi ni Gem.

“Oh.”

“Si Zion—”

“I’ll be there,” I said, cutting her off because I really shouldn’t be hearing anything about Zion. Sabi nga nila, out of sight, out of mind. In this case, out of hearing, out of mind. Besides, silang dalawa na yata ni Nikki. Wala akong balak makipag-agawan ng lalaki sa best friend ko. I’d rather grow old alone.

“I promise,” I told Gem and added a smile. “Just forward the details to me and I’ll be there.”

---

Parang deja vu nung makarating ako sa condo na ’yon. Akala mo isang taon na iyong lumipas dahil sa dami ng nangyari sa akin. But god, more than anything, I just miss my friends.

Lumapit ako sa receptionist para mag-iwan ng ID. Mukhang nagsabi naman na si Erick tungkol sa party kasi pinaakyat na agad ako. I walked towards the elevator. Saktong papasara na sana iyon nang mapindot ko iyong button para magbukas iyon.

It was summer, yet I felt chills crawl through my body nang bumukas iyong elevator at si Zion at Nikki iyong bumungad sa akin. Nikki’s eyes widened. I reminded myself to smile. I practiced this. Para akong tanga na nagpa-practice sa salamin kung paano ngumiti. Ganoon na ba ka-miserable iyong buhay ko na tipong kahit pag-ngiti e kailangan ko pang practicin?

“Hey…” sabi ni Nikki.

“Hi,” I replied.

I should step inside the elevator.

That’s the normal thing to do.

I should get used to the sight of them together if I want my best friend back in my life.

Right…

This would just sting at first, but I’d get used to it.

But I was not one of God’s strongest soldiers.

“May naiwan pala ako,” I said as I took a step back. I looked at Nikki and smiled. “Kunin ko lang sa condo,” I continued as I struggled to even breathe at the sight of them together. They looked good together.

“Do you want me to walk with you?” Nikki asked.

Agad akong umiling habang may pekeng ngiti sa mukha ko. “No. Mabilis lang naman.”

“Are you sure? Because I need the steps for my 10k steps a day, remember? And… and I want to talk,” sabi niya na nakatingin sa akin. Right… Those days na iniikot namin iyong Greenfield para lang makumpleto iyong 10k steps niya. Na dahil alam niya na ayokong mag-exercise ay kung anu-ano ang ibibigay niya sa akin para lang mapapayag ako.

Pero umiling ako. “No, hindi na,” sabi ko. “Mabilis lang naman.”

She nodded, but she looked defeated. “Okay,” she said and then gave me a smile, but I knew better. I knew she was hurting. Kakausapin ko naman siya mamaya. Hindi ko lang pala kaya kapag magkasama silang dalawa. Hindi pala ako ganoon kalakas pa. Pero alam ko na masasanay din ako na makita sila.

I hope they’re happy.

I really hope that they are.

Kasi baka sila naman talaga iyong endgame and all along, I was just the side character in their love story. 

**

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Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Ilang minuto kong pinag-isipan kung pupunta pa ba ako sa party o hindi na. I could just make up some excuse… pero alam ko na alam ni Gem na nagsisinungaling ako. Pero bakit niya ba ipipilit na pumunta ako roon kahit alam niya naman na makikita ko roon si Zion at Nikki? Oo, alam ko sa sarili ko na wala naman kami ni Zion. It was just a shortlived fun for the two of us. Wala ako sa posisyon para magalit sa kanya.

Pero tao lang din naman ako.

Hindi ako ganoon kalakas para makita siya at iyong kaibigan ko na magkasama.

I love Nikki… but god, sometimes I just get so insecure… Na siya, maganda… Na siya, successful… Na siya, kayang kunin lahat ng lalaki na gusto niya.

I just wanted this one guy.

Just Zion.

Tapos kinuha niya pa?

Wala ba akong karapatan na masaktan?

Huminga ako nang malalim. I just needed to get through this day. Hindi gumana sa akin iyong magfocus sa trabaho, o sa sarili, o sa ibang lalaki. Parang therapy na ata ang kailangan ko. I didn’t want to be the kind of person who lost her friends dahil lang sa lalaki. I needed to work on myself.

Dumaan muna ako sa 7-11 para bumili ng tubig. Thankfully, pagbalik ko sa condo nila Erick ay wala na akong kasabay doon sa elevator. I was still dreading every step that I took towards the unit.

“Hey,” sabi ni Nikki nang buksan niya iyong pinto. Alam ko na inaabangan niya ako na dumating. I knew her. Hindi siya iyong tipo ng tao na magbubukas ng pinto para sa iba. During parties, she’d just sit and drink and have fun. Totoo ata iyong sinabi ni Gem na nase-stress sa akin si Nikki. Bakit? Kasi kahit alam niya na meron kaming history ni Zion, nagkaroon pa rin ng sila?

“Hi,” sagot ko na may maliit na ngiti. “Papunta na raw ba si Gem?” tanong ko dahil the sooner that she’s here, the quicker I’d be able to get home. Gusto ko na lang mahiga sa kama ko at manood ng kung anuman.

“Yeah, I think they’re ten minutes out,” she replied.

Ang awkward naming dalawa na para bang hindi namin alam iyong mga sikreto ng bawat isa. She just stood there in front of the door kaya hindi ako makapasok.

“Can I come in?” tanong ko kasi ang weird naman na nasa labas ako.

“Oh, yes, of course. I’m sorry,” sabi niya at saka binuksan iyong pinto.

Pumasok ako sa loob. I saw a couple of familiar faces. Nakita ko na sila sa party. I knew them enough to say hi to them, but not enough para maupo ako sa tabi nila. I looked around para humanap ng bakanteng pwesto.

Of course.

Of course ang bakanteng pwesto ay sa tabi ni Zion.

I should sit there and not make anything awkward. As far as the other people here were concerned, I dated Fabian. It would make no sense na ayaw kong maupo sa tabi ni Zion. At kung meron man ngang namamagitan kina Nikki at Zion, I would not want to make things awkward for them kapag nalaman ng mga tao na may history sa pagitan namin ni Zion.

I miss my boring life.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago ako humakbang papunta roon. I tried to tune out Zion. Sandali lang naman ’to. And it wasn’t as if he’d talk to me. Come to think of it, we never really talked with other people around. It’s usually just the two of us—if he could help it. Sa ibang pagkakataon na may nakakakita sa amin na magkausap, hindi naman ’yon sadya. Kaya hindi dapat ako kabahan na kakausapin niya ako dahil maraming tao sa paligid namin ngayon.

But I felt him staring at me and I wished that he’d stop doing that.

I wanted to tell him to stop, but I didn’t want to talk to him—I didn’t even want to acknowledge that he exists around me.

“Arielle,” pagtawag sa akin ni Nikki.

Agad akong tumayo. Baka dito pala siya nakaupo kanina. Kaya lang bakante ’to dahil pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto.

“Sorry,” I said as I vacated the space that was meant for her. Agad akong naglakad papunta roon sa may balcony. Right. Doon na lang ako. I needed some fresh air and I needed Gem to get here already para makabalik na ako sa condo ko.

“You’re mad at me.”

Agad akong napatingin sa gilid ko. “I’m not,” sagot ko kay Nikki na nakatingin sa akin. She was just staring at me. She looked like she’s about to cry. I immediately panic dahil hindi si Nikki iyong tao na mabilis umiyak. “Bakit ka umiiyak!”

“Because you’re mad at me!” parang galit na sabi niya. Tignan mo ’to. Mukhang tanga.

“Hindi nga ako galit.”

“You haven’t answered any of my texts and calls.”

“DND.”

“For that long?”

“Yup.”

“So, you didn’t see any of my messages?”

“No, not really. Bakit? Importante ba?”

“Yeah, I think so,” sabi niya.

Hindi ako nagsalita. Isa ba sa mga message na ’yon ang humihingi ng paalam sa akin na sila na ni Zion? I mean, not that she needed my permission. She’s an adult. She could do whatever the heck she wanted.

“Basahin ko na lang mamaya,” sabi ko sa kanya.

“No, I’ll just tell you—”

Pero hindi natapos iyong sasabihin niya dahil sinabihan kami na paparating na si Gem at Erick. This was a bit weird kasi surprise party ’to, pero hindi talaga surprise dahil alam na ni Gem? Ewan ko. I mean, whatever makes her happy, I guess.

“Happy birthday!” sabay-sabay naming sabi nang pumasok iyong dalawa. Gem looked genuinely happy. I was happy for her. I hope it works out between the two of them lalo na at malapit ng umalis si Erick.

Ang hirap din pala makipagdate sa mga model na ’to. Si Fabian, wala na si Pinas. He’d be back in a few months. Si Erick, aalis na rin. Hindi ko alam kung kailan siya babalik. Si Zion? None of my business. Bahala sila ni Nikki kung ano ang arrangement nila.

I should really just veer away from these models in general.

---

We ate and talked for a bit before I excused myself na uuwi na ako.

“Nakausap mo na si Nikki?” Gem asked.

“Medyo.”

“Medyo?”

I nodded. “May sasabihin daw siya sa akin, pero baka mamaya na lang after ng birthday mo.”

“Bakit hindi na lang ngayon?”

“Kasi birthday mo pa? Dapat ikaw iyong center ng attention,” I said casually habang pilit na hindi pinapansin na nakatingin si Zion sa gawi ko. Why couldn’t he just eat his pasta in peace?

“Fine,” she said. “So, bukas, dinner tayong tatlo?”

Tumango na lang ako kasi gusto ko na lang umalis na agad para makauwi na ako. Nagpaalam ako kay Erick din kasi condo niya ’to. Lumabas na ako at naglakad papunta sa elevator. Pagod na pagod ako kahit wala naman akong ginawang nakakapagod. Naupo at kumain lang naman ako don.

When the elevator door opened, I got in. Nakasandal ako roon at hinihintay na sumara iyon nang may biglang pumasok.

God, this guy just couldn’t leave me alone.

“Hey,” he said when he got in and stood beside me.

“Hey,” I replied.

Maybe he just wanted to be civil with me. After all, if he wanted to date my friend, he must’ve thought that he’d have to be okay with my existence. Kasi kilala ko si Nikki. She’d undoubtedly choose me over Zion if I asked her—not that I would ever ask her to.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Good.”

“That’s good,” sabi niya.

Biglang ang bagal ng pagbaba ng numero dito sa elevator.

“Fabian’s in London,” he said.

“I heard.”

“Did he tell you?”

“That he’s leaving? No,” I replied.

“Oh. So you two are really over.”

“Yup.”

Why was he interested? May Nikki na siya, ’di ba? God, he’s so confusing. Kung nakakalito ako, mas nakakalito siya. Hindi talaga dapat kami magsama dahil sobrang nakakalito kami.

“Like for real over,” he said.

“Yes,” I said.

“Interesting.”

Bumukas iyong elevator.

Naramdaman ko iyong pagsunod niya sa akin.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Walking.”

Sarap hampasin ng baguette ng French na ’to.

“Go back to Nikki,” I said.

“Why would I go back to Nikki?”

“Because you two are dating.”

“What? I’m dating Nikki?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, wow, I wasn’t aware,” he said.

Napa-hinto ako. Humarap ako sa kanya at tinignan siya nang seryoso. He towered over me, but at the moment, I didn’t give a flying fuck.

“You treated me horribly and that’s fine. I can deal with it. No big deal. I mean, I knew the deal right from the beginning, so it’s not like I can blame anyone but myself,” I told him and then stared right into his eyes. “But don’t you ever fucking dare treat Nikki horribly,” I said and I lifted my hand and pointed my index at his chest, but he quickly grabbed my hand and held it like he was used to holding my hand.

“Let go of my hand,” sabi ko dahil nasa gitna kami ng lobby ng condo niya. Hindi ba siya takot na may makakita sa amin?!

“Only if you promise that you’ll listen to me,” he said.

“Only if you won’t say bullshit.”

He was looking at me with that grin on his face. Like I was the most amusing person he’s met in his life.

“I promise,” he replied, but he was caressing my hand with his thumb, damn him!

“Fine,” I said through gritted teeth.

“First and foremost, I am not dating Nikki,” he said. “Where on earth did you get that information?”

Umirap ako. “You just said you won’t tell me bullshit.”

“I swear,” he said and even raised his hand. “I’m not dating Nikki and I won’t ever date her.”

My lips parted. “Bitch, you’d be lucky to date my best friend!” I said in automatic response. I can bash Nikki in my head, pero ako lang ’yon, okay. Sa ibang tao, I’d always have her back. Kaya nga kahit hindi ko matanggap na may something sila ni Zion, ipipilit kong ipasok sa isip ko. Masasanay at masasanay din ako.

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Wait, what? Are you mad that I’m not dating her? You confuse me, Arielle.”

Muli akong umirap sa kanya. “This conversation is confusing me,” I said as I continued to walk dahil pakiramdam ko ay anumang segundo ay may makikita ako na kakilala niya. It’s just weird for me. I dated Fabian. Tapos itong si Zion. I mean, granted na mas nauna naman talaga si Zion, pero hindi naman nila alam ’yon. Ayoko lang mag-explain sa ibang tao dahil alam ko na ako iyong magulo.

Bakit ba? Feelings are fucking confusing.

It’s not plain black and white—mas marami pang gray areas.

“Nikki and I aren’t dating,” he said while he was walking behind me.

“Yeah, right.”

“Swear,” he said. “We’re barely friends. She’s just always making fun of me.”

“That’s her way of showing affection,” I said. Why was I suddenly Nikki’s interpreter?

“Yeah, weird way,” he replied. “But I’ve never seen her that way, I swear. I’ve always known her as your friend. She’s always known me as your—well, I really don’t know what we are, to be honest.”

Hindi ako nagsalita.

Nasa gilid kami ng condo ko.

“Zion,” I said.

“Arielle,” he replied, mimicking my tone that if I weren’t pissed at him, I would’ve found it cute.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Just… just please tell me what you want from me. I’m getting tired of the back and forth between us.”

Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba iyong sinabi niya na wala sa kanila ni Nikki. Maybe for him, wala. I’d need to hear it from Nikki, too. Ewan. Ang tanging nakuha ko lang ata sa mga nangyari sa akin ay trust issues.

“Will you believe me if I tell you want I want from you?” he asked.

“I will try my best.”

“Why do you need to try your best? I’m just telling you what I want,” he said.

“You have a history of lying.”

“When did I lie?”

Natahimik ako. I tried to think of a scenario na nagsinungaling siya sa akin pero kahit halugbugin ko iyong utak ko ay wala akong naisip. He had always, always been honest—at least to me.

“I feel like we did this the wrong way,” he said. “Can I be honest?” he asked. “Without you judging me?” Umirap ako. “I admit that I used to just sleep with girls and then if we vibe, we can get serious or whatever.”

There was probably a hint of disappointment and disgust on my face.

“I know…” he said na para bang nahihiya din siya sa sarili niya. “I can’t do anything about my past. I did what I did. No changing that. But…” he continued and then stared straight into my eyes like he was trying to know the deepest of my secrets, damn him! “That didn’t work out for us. And probably this is stubborn of me, but maybe we can try it the other way around? We can be friends and then… sleep together later on?”

Napaawang ang labi ko.

I didn’t know if this was supposed to be romantic, but with Zion, hindi mo talaga alam! Parang gago talaga ’to!

“Arielle?” he called my name.

“I…” I replied, but he reached for my hand, held it, and caressed it with his thumb. God, he knew exactly what he was doing!

“Don’t be too quick to say no,” he said as he continued putting me under his spell. “We can be good together.”

“We already tried before.”

“Barely,” he said.

“This is a bad idea,” I said, but fuck it, I just found myself nodding at his preposterous proposal.

Bahala na talaga si Batman! Kailan ba ako natuto!

**

This story is already at Chapter 26 on beeyotch.ph. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

It’s 9AM at hindi pa rin ako nakakabangon sa kama. Nakatingin lang ako sa dingding at iniisip kung tama ba iyong desisyon ko. I mean, alam ko sa sarili ko na dapat hindi ako pumayag. That was the logical thing to do. If history would be a basis, things would not end well for us. We tried before, but failed. I mean, we did. Barely. But still.

Pero ano ang magagawa ko?

The heart wants what it wants.

‘Busy?’

Napatitig ako sa screen ng phone ko nang makita ko iyong message sa akin ni Nikki. I sighed. I knew that I should talk to her. Mas importante ’to kaysa sa mga iniisip ko about Zion. I felt bad that I thought Nikki would go after Zion. She’s my best friend. Dapat alam ko na na hindi niya gagawin sa akin iyon.

Mabilis akong nag-ayos at naglakad papunta sa Starbucks malapit sa condo. She was already there pagdating ko. Mukhang stressed ulit iyong mukha niya. I felt guilty again dahil sabi nga ni Gem sa akin na stressed si Nikki dahil sa akin.

“Hey,” I said nang makalapit ako sa kanya. “Umorder ka na?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

“The usual?” I asked. “Libre ko na breakfast natin.”

“No—”

“Please?” sabi ko sa kanya.

She blinked. Nanibago siguro siya sa demeanor ko dahil parang kahapon lang ay halos takbuhin ko iyong distansya nung elevator at condo ko para lang makalayo sa kanila ni Zion.

“Okay…” she said.

“Okay. Wait lang,” I replied as I walked towards the counter to order Nikki’s usual. I got her the chia pudding and her iced Americano. I ordered French toast and iced macchiato for myself. I stood there and waited. At least if awkward pagbalik ko sa table, I could just focus my attention to eating.

But I couldn’t delay this forever.

Ang hassle naman magkaroon ng issue sa kaibigan mo. Buti pa kapag kapatid mo, walang sorry-sorry. Basta isang araw, maguusap na lang kayo ulit.

“Did you read my messages?” she asked.

“Right…” sabi ko. Nakita ko lang sa preview iyong message niya kanina.

“That’s fine,” she replied. “There’s nothing going on between Zion and me. I just have to make that crystal clear.”

Tumingin ako sa kanya. I knew that I should tell her na nagusap na kami ni Zion, but a small part of my brain wanted to know kung alam niya na ba iyon. Kasi kung alam niya, ibig sabihin ay naguusap pa rin sila ni Zion. And parang tanga naman kung magseselos ako sa ganon. Kaibigan ko si Nikki, pero hindi ko rin kontrolado iyong nararamdaman ko.

Ang hirap kapag sobrang ganda ng best friend mo—na tipong kahit wala naman siyang ginagawa talaga, para bang alam mo na kayang-kaya niyang agawin kahit sino sa ’yo.

Ano ba ang cure sa insecurity?

“I wanted to tell that to you for so long, but I just got in my head, you know? That if I explained, maybe you’ll think that I’m being defensive? I should’ve clarified immediately, I know. But… I don’t know. Can we please go back to normal again? It’s so boring without you,” sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

“Okay,” I said.

“Okay what?”

“Okay naman tayo.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Thank god,” she uttered under her breath. “Plus Zion wouldn’t shut up about you.”

“Really? O baka sinasabi mo lang ’yan?”

Now, she’s back to normal dahil finally ay inabot niya na iyong pudding niya, binuksan iyon, at sinimulang kainin.

“It’s true. I mean, we don’t really have anything in common, you know?”

“So, ako lang pinaguusapan niyo?”

“Kinda.”

“Weh?”

“Yeah. I tried to introduce him to a couple of people, but he’s just… weird around them. Can’t explain.”

“Paano mo nasabi? I mean, okay naman siya kila Erick and Fabian?”

“I know, but they’re like roommates. I feel like different ’yon. Around other people, it’s like he’s having a hard time making friends,” sabi ni Nikki. “That’s why I was always with him. I felt bad for the guy. He’s sometimes just standing alone. Breaks my heart, you know?”

Zion mentioned something about this before, pero hindi ko masyadong maalala. Siguro mapapagusapan namin ’yon along the way. Ewan. I did overthink a lot nung una kaming nagkakilala. Kung seryoso siya ngayon, I needed to be more chill. Pakiramdam ko kasi downfall ko iyong pagooverthink sa mga ginagawa niya at hindi niya ginagawa.

“Okay,” I said.

“So… we’re good?”

“Yup.”

We didn’t talk about Zion after that. Nikki told me random stories about work. It’s weird how it’s obvious that she’s trying to fill the silence and trying hard na maging mukhang okay kami. Okay naman kami talaga.

“Kausap ko si Zion kahapon,” sabi ko sa kanya. Baka ito iyong kailangan para mawala iyong weird awkwardness between us.

“Oh, yeah?”

I nodded. “He said he likes me and that he’d like to try again—whatever that means.”

Tumango si Nikki, but she didn’t really say anything. It was so unlike her na may sasabihin agad sa akin na advice o kung anuman. I actually like her advice.

Ugh.

Gusto ko na maging normal kami ulit!

“I mean, I said yes… pero pwede ko naman siguro bawiin? Sa tingin mo?” tanong ko sa kanya. Tumingin siya sa akin na para bang tinitimbang niya kung magsasalita ba siya o kung oo, magiging honest ba siya.

“You like him, right? As in really like him?”

“Yes.”

“Go for it,” she said.

“Really?”

She nodded. “But… you’ve been down this road before. Just practice more caution.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess list down the things that you didn’t like before. Discuss it with him. At least the non-negotiable ones. Kasi if hindi, it’s like watching the same movie and expecting a different ending, you know? Also, trust me, if a guy really likes you, he’ll move heaven and earth just to be with you.”

“What happened to ‘Zion wouldn’t shut up about you.’ “

She shrugged. “That’s still true, but just because a guy couldn’t shut up about you doesn’t mean he’s gonna be a good boyfriend, you know? Sometimes, guys are like dogs. You have to train them and shit.”

Tumango ako. “So, you think I should discuss with Zion iyong mga ayaw ko?”

She nodded. “Definitely. Wait,” she said, “He’s the one who initiated the conversation, right? About you trying again?”

Tumango ako. “Yup.”

“Yeah. Definitely tell him the non-negotiables. That’s when you’ll know that he’s really serious,” sabi sa akin ni Nikki. “But… you know. At the end of the day, it’s still your decision.”

---

I did as Nikki said. I listed down all my non-negotiables. Ilang beses ko iyong binasa. Mukhang reasonable naman. But… it was still a bit hard for me to demand. Ewan ko ba. Parang wala akong karapatan.

I was in the middle of trying to finish my work for the day nang mag-ring iyong landline. I picked it up and was weirded out nang sabihin sa akin na nasa lobby si Zion. I contemplated on telling them to just send him up, but I ultimately decided against it. Kailangan muna naming i-discuss ’to bago siya makabalik sa room ko.

“Hey,” he said with a smile nang makita niya akong naglalakad papunta sa kanya. Unlike before na talagang nag-aayos ako kapag magkikita kami, I didn’t bother to change clothes. I mean, if he really liked me, he better like me for me. Nakakapagod din magpanggap na ganito o ganyan ka sa harap ng ibang tao.

“Hey,” I replied. “Why didn’t you just message me?”

“You deleted snapchat,” he said.

“Oh… right.” Suddenly, I was conscious na nakatingin sa amin iyong mga tao sa lobby. Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa kanya na maglakad-lakad muna kami sa labas, but I was reminded na naka-pambahay ako. It was like the universe was on his side and kept on giving him the opportunity para makapasok sa condo ko!

“You wanna go to my room?” I asked him. “Just to talk,” I quickly added.

Napaawang iyong labi niya at saka natawa. “Of course. I wasn’t thinking of anything.”

I rolled my eyes as I began to walk. “Yeah, right.”

“I told you that we’ll do this right this time. So, we’re gonna hangout first,” he said.

“What’s after hangout?”

“I think we have to be friends first,” sabi niya. “Then more than friends. And then relationship?” he said like he was stating things based on some list he read.

“Did you read that from somewhere?” I asked habang nasa elevator kami.

“Googled it,” he said. Wala talaga siyang masyadong friends. This was the kind of information you can get from a friend. “I mean, we are already friends… or not?” he asked.

“I don’t think we’re friends,” I told him.

“Why not?” pagmamaktol niya na parang bata.

“First of all, I don’t sleep with my friends.”

Napaawang iyong labi niya. “Come on… That was before. Can’t we reset the clock?”

“Is it really possible to reset the clock? It’s not like I had an amnesia or something,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Nakasunod siya sa akin habang naglalakad ako papunta sa condo ko. Nakakainis dahil bahagyang nanginginig iyong mga kamay ko habang binubuksan ko iyong pinto. And then I heard him chuckle.

I turned back and frowned at him. “What?”

“Your hands are shaking. I do make you nervous,” he stated confidently.

I eyed him. “Shut up,” I said.

“Why?”

“If you want to be friends, you can’t tell me things like that?”

“Why not? Friends do banter, right?”

“It’s not banter. You’re flirting with me.”

“Can’t help it,” he said. “But I will try.”

Finally ay nabuksan ko na iyong pinto. Pumasok ako roon sa loob. I didn’t plan on inviting him upstairs. Hindi naman totally madumi iyong unit ko, pero hindi rin siya ganoon kalinis. It was so different from before kasi magmessage pa lang sa akin si Zion, agad akong naglilinis. But maybe this was for the best. He did say that he like me. He has to like me for me—not the one who put her best foot forward in everything because she’s desperate for him to like her.

“Do you want anything?” I asked.

“Just some water, please,” he said.

“Okay. Just take a seat.”

Kinuha ko siya ng tubig. Nakita ko na nakaupo siya roon sa beanbag. I didn’t want to reminisce about before, but this stupid brain of mine couldn’t help it! D’yan din siya dati nung sinabi niya na gusto niyang tumambay sa condo ko habang naghihintay na matapos ako sa ginagawa ko. Iyon point na inisip ko na baka pwedeng magkaroon ng mas. It opened a window of possibilities for me… only for it to ended up being shut right at my face.

“Thank you,” he said nang iabot ko sa kanya iyong baso ng tubig.

I sat on the couch, just a meter away from him. He was watching my every move habang iniinom niya iyong tubig. It’s just weird how everything he does was… sensual to me. I knew we should take it slow, but damn, I was so physically attracted to this person!

Ako ata ang may kailangan ng tubig.

“So, what’s up?” sabi niya.

“Were you serious about what you said?” I asked.

“About what specifically?”

“Trying things again.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” I said tapos ay kinuha iyong phone ko kung nasaan iyong listahan ko ng non-negotiables. “If you’re really serious, I have a list of non-negotiables.”

Natawa siya sandali, pero nang makita niya na seryoso ang mukha ko ay natigilan siya. “You’re serious?”

I nodded. “As a heart attack,” I said.

Umayos siya ng upo. “Okay. What are in this list?”

Huminga ako nang malalim. “No more snapchat.”

“Why?” he asked. “I mean, can I ask why? Or is this list not up for discussion?”

“It’s called non-negotiable for a reason,” I sarcastically said. I saw him quite taken aback sa sagot ko. He’s used to me being overtly nice to him. Well, if he really wanted to be with me, he better be used to a little attitude. I mean, hindi naman palagi pero minsan siguro. I didn’t want to be a yes, Zion kagaya nung dati.

“Oh, okay,” he said. “Cool. No more snapchat. Do I delete snapchat?”

“Up to you,” sabi ko sa kanya. “But I don’t wanna talk via snapchat.”

“Okay. Where will we talk?”

“iMessage.”

“Okay. Can I get your number then?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Okay. What else?”

“No cancellation of plans without telling me.”

He looked guilty. At least alam niya pala. “Got it.”

“If you want to ask me out, three days in advance. I’m not always free.”

“Sounds reasonable,” he said. “But what if I’m free and I wanna see your face?”

“Look at my Instagram account.”

His lips parted and he laughed. “That’s… fair,” he said. “God, you can be funny.”

Umirap ako. “No kissing, no touching—at least while we’re still friends.”

He rolled his eyes, too. “Hard but doable,” he said. “Anything else?”

Inilista ko iyong iba pang mga ayaw ko na ginawa niya dati. Ayoko lang naman na maulit ’yon.

Sabi nga ni Nikki, kung walang magbabago, paano mababago?

“Is that all?” he asked and I nodded. “Can you email me the list?”

“Okay,” I replied. “Any questions? Clarifications?”

He stared at me.

Why was he staring like that?!

“Why? You think it’s hard?”

“Not at all,” he said, shaking his head. “Nothing’s hard enough if you really want it bad enough.”

**

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Chapter 22

Chapter 22

‘Can I get a reservation for this Friday, 8PM?’

Napakunot ang noo ko nang mabasa ko iyong iMessage sa akin ni Zion. I told myself na sa gabi ko lang siya rereplyan o kaya naman kapag naka-break ako sa work. Bukod sa mga non-negotiables ko para sa kanya, may non-negotiable din ako sa sarili ko at isa roon iyong hindi na para bang titigil ang mundo ko dahil lang nagparamdam siya sa akin. Pakiramdam ko kasi isa ’yon sa dahilan kung bakit nangyari iyong mga nangyari dati. I was too consumed by the thought of him that everything else grayed in comparison. Ayoko na ng ganon. Dapat ngayon, balanced na. After all, I didn’t have to wonder about his feelings. He did tell me that he like me. Kailangan ko na lang malaman kung consistent ba iyong nararamdaman niya na iyon.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago ko pinatay iyong phone. My mind kept on drifting to his message, but fortunately, nagawa ko na hindi magreply sa kanya until it was my break.

‘For what?’

‘Hangout? Or maybe date? I mean we’re still just friends so maybe hangout? Do I need reservation 3 days in advance for a hangout?’ text niya sa akin tapos may dumating ulit. ‘See I have questions. I agree with your non-negotiables but some are just quite confusing.’

I mean tama naman siya. Hangout lang naman and hindi date. Friends pa lang naman kami. Kung sila Gem nga ay bigla na lang dumadating sa condo ko.

‘You’re right. Maybe at least a few hours in advance. And definitely not during my work time.’

‘But you work during the day? So we can hangout a night?’

‘Yes.’

‘Sweet.’

‘But nothing will happen.’

‘Didn’t say that. But why did you mention? You’re thinking that?’

It’s weird na kahit wala si Zion sa harap ko ay naiimagine ko na na naka-ngisi siya sa akin habang sinasabi iyon. Nikki said na awkward sa mga tao si Zion pero kapag sa akin ay parang hindi naman. Komportable ba siya na kausap ako? Ganoon ba iyon?

Tsk.

Ayan na naman.

Until he tells me himself, I should really stop overthinking his actions. May pagka-malandi din kasi ’tong isang ’to.

‘No.’

‘Haha okay.’ ‘So this means we can hang tonight?’

‘Yup.’

‘Okay. See you later. I’ll just work.’

Huminga ako nang malalim. I shouldn’t ask him for photos. Nung si Fabian kasi nagsesend siya ng mga picture minsan sa set nila o kaya picture niya. Gusto ko maka-receive nung ganon mula kay Zion. I wanted to receive random updates from him, but at the same time, I didn’t want to ask. Gusto ko na kusang loob niyang gawin. Should I just ask him? Or should I wait for him to do that?

Ano ba ’yan.

Ang daming considerations!

‘You’re working now?’

‘Yeah for some campaign.’

Ano ba ’yan. ’Di man lang makaramdam na gusto ko siya magsend ng picture. Ano pa silbi na ang ganda ng mukha niya kung hindi siya magsesend ng selfie sa akin?

‘What campaign?’

‘For some skincare’

‘What skincare?’

‘BNK. You know that?’

Hindi na ako nakatiis. I sent him a photo of my screen.

‘Yup. Working too.’

‘Cool. I won’t disturb you then.’

Oh my god.

Why couldn’t I just ask?!

---

Nang matapos ako sa trabaho ay agad kong tinignan iyong phone ko kung may message ba roon from Zion. Wala. Nasa trabaho pa rin kaya siya? Tuloy ba iyong hangout namin mamaya? Can I text to confirm? I mean, ginagawa naman ng friends ’yon, ’di ba?

“Busy ka?” I asked when Nikki answered the call.

“Hmm not really. Why?”

Sinabi ko sa kanya iyong situation with Zion. Alam ko nagseselos ako sa kanya pero personal issue ko ’yon. I’d never doubt her loyalty to me. My fault in the first place that I ever did. Nakaka-guilty.

“Just ask him.”

“Nakakahiya.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Might scare him off?”

“Babe, you can never scare off a man who truly wants you. Trust me.”

“Fine…”

“Okay. I’ll go back to work. Good luck in your hangout.”

Hindi naman magulo iyong condo ko, but I decided na mag-ayos kahit kaunti. Hindi ko rin alam if ano ang gagawin namin o if matutuloy ba. But isa sa mga non-negotiables ko iyong ayoko ng cancellation na walang sabi-sabi. He should know that.

I was in the middle of drying my plates nang marinig ko iyong ping ng cellphone ko. My heart began to quicken its pace. Lecheng ’yan!

‘Done with work. You had dinner yet?’

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Chill.

Please.

‘Not yet. I just finished working too.’

‘Okay. You wanna have dinner together?’

‘Sure.’

‘Okay. I’ll head straight to your condo. I’ll message you when I’m at the lobby.’

Mabilis akong nagpalit ng damit. I didn’t want to look like I put in a lot of effort pero ayoko rin naman na pangit ako. I mean, I feel like hindi naman ako pangit? Kasi kung pangit ako, bakit ako papatulan ni Fabian and Zion?

Unless questionable ang taste nilang dalawa?

I decided to wear something comfortable since kakain lang naman kami ng dinner. I wore a pair of gray sweatpants and fitted shirt. Bigla ko tuloy naalala si Fabian kasi ganito madalas iyong suot niya. Sana okay lang siya. I hoped he didn’t like me a lot para mabilis siyang maka-move on. I hoped he’d find someone na hindi attracted sa red flags.

‘Here.’

Mabilis akong bumaba nang ma-receive ko iyong message niya. I cursed inside my head nang makita ko siyang nakaupo sa couch doon. I mean, he did say na galing siya sa set, but goddamn it! Ang gwapo niya lalo ngayon?! His hair was styled in such a way that was making me think of things !

My god.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Calm down, Arielle.

You already did things with him. You’ll do things with him again in the future. Kumalma ka lang.

“I’m famished,” he said as he stood up nang maglakad ako palayo. “You have anything in mind?” he so casually asked habang ako ay consciously trying to act calm in his presence.

Iba talaga kapag gusto mo iyong tao, noh? Parang iyong attractiveness level niya ay dumo-doble. I mean, like objectively speaking, Fabian’s better looking that Zion. But he never made me feel this way. Si Zion? Kahit simpleng shirt at pants lang, para akong mababaliw.

“Anything with rice,” I said.

“Very Asian of you,” he replied.

I shrugged. “You’re French, right?”

“Oui.”

Fuck.

“Can you talk to me in French?” I asked because my brain could even process what I was about to say.

Napatingin siya sa akin at natawa. “Why?” he asked in a very flirty tone.

I shrugged casually, but I knew that it was hopeless. “Just curious.”

“De quoi voulez-vous que je parle?”

Okay.

Kumalma ka, Arielle.

‘They’re just words,’ I told myself. ‘But they’re French words!’ sabi ng malanding parte ng isip ko.

“What does that mean?” I asked, barely trying to control myself.

“Just asked what you wanted me to talk about,” he replied.

“Oh,” I said. “Do you know any other language?”

“French, English, a bit of Spanish and German,” he replied.

“Wow.”

“Why? You speak Tagalog and English.”

“Just two. You speak four.”

“I barely speak Spanish and German,” he said. “If a native speaker hears me, he’d laugh at my face.”

“Then that’s just rude,” I replied.

He wrinkled his nose. “You’re cute,” sabi niya and I felt my face heating up. Muli akong huminga nang malalim. Two words from him and I’d be damned…

Since hindi kami makapagdecide kung saan talaga kami kakain, we decided na pumunta na lang sa Shang Plaza. At least doon ay may choice kami. I told him that I didn’t need to eat rice if he’s not in the mood for it. Malay ko ba kung may diet siya na sinusunod.

“Zion!”

Sabay kaming napatingin nang may tumawag sa kanya. I knew who she was. Of course I knew who she was! I kept on repeating that scene in my head over and over again because that was when I decided that I couldn’t continue this shit with Zion.

She was the stuff of my nightmare.

“Hey…” Zion said, sounding too happy for my liking.

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” sabi nung babae. She clearly did see me dahil nakatayo ako sa tabi ni Zion, but she made no effort in acknowledging my presence. Bitch.

“Haven’t been to clubs in a while,” Zion responded. Bakit pa siya sumasagot? Bakit hindi na lang siya magpaalam at sabihin na kakain na kami?

“There’s a party this Friday,” the bitch said. Please. May party every Friday, tanga ba siya?

“Yeah?” Zion replied.

“Yeah,” the bitch said. “You think I’ll see you?”

Do I clear my throat?

Nalimutan ba ni Zion na nandito ako sa tabi niya?

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kung hindi pa tumunog iyong phone sa kamay ko at napatingin siya sa akin. Did he seriously forget na may kasama siya?!

“I’ll just take this,” I said as I showed him my phone kahit na alam ko na text lang naman iyon at hindi tawag. I just couldn’t stand here for any more second habang naguusap sila at hindi ako pinapansin.

I deserve more than this.

Pota naman.

Mabilis akong naglakad palayo. Huminga ako nang malalim. Should I literally have to spell out everything from him? Hindi ba alam niya na dapat na ipakilala ako roon sa babae? Did he have to engage in a full conversation with her without even bother to introduce me? Or to even check kung nandon pa ba ako?

I kept on trying to be optimistic about this, about us, but he kept on disappointing me.

“Arielle,” he called behind me. Oh, now he remembered na may kasama siya.

But I kept on walking.

He’s fucking pissing me off.

“Hey,” he said when he finally caught up with me and started to walk beside me. “Where are we eating?”

“I’m eating at home. I don’t know where you’re eating.”

“What?”

“Just go back—”

“Are you pissed at me?”

“Yes.”

There’s no use being indirect with him.

“Why?”

“Are you being serious?”

“Yes. Why are you pissed? We were having a great conversation—”

“Who? You and me? Or you and that girl?”

His lips parted. “What?”

“God, I don’t know why I expected any different from you—”

“What did I do? I was literally just talking with her?”

“And I stood there like an idiot.”

“What? When did that happen?” he asked, acting like he literally had no idea kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.

Oh, god.

I was hungry.

And he’s pissing me off.

“Earlier. It happened literally just a minute ago,” I said as I drew a deep breath. “God, Zion, I can’t spell out everything for you. You want to be with me? It’s not enough that you want me—you have to respect me first,” I continued before I walked away. 

**

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Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Huminga ako nang malalim nang makatanggap ako ng tawag mula sa lobby at sinasabi na nandon si Zion. I really wanted to send him away. I felt like it had been a long day and I was ready to call it a day. Pero ayoko naman na isali pa sila ate roon. I felt like they already knew too much about my business—more than I’d want them to know.

Muli akong huminga nang malalim nang makarinig ako ng katok sa pinto. I opened the door and I expected to see Zion… but he was holding a paper bag.

“Sorry?” he said as he held on the bag close to his face. “I would’ve come here sooner, but I remembered that you haven’t eaten yet, so I got food first.”

Oh, fuck.

Seriously, Arielle?

He probably could murder someone and he’d just hand me a rose and I’d be like ‘awwww.’

Ang lala ko.

When did this even start?!

“Fine…” I said as I opened the door wider.

He got in my condo, placed the paperbag on the counter, and removed his shoes. I didn’t need to tell him what to do. It’s like he’s already used to this. Sabagay, ilang beses na rin naman siyang nakapunta dito dati.

“What?” I asked dahil nakatayo na lang siya roon at nakatingin sa akin.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“For?” I asked, my brow arched.

“Making you mad?”

“Because?”

“I talked to a girl?” parang hindi sigurado na sabi niya.

Umirap ako. “Did you seriously think that I’m mad because you talked to a girl? I am not that shallow, Zion.”

“Okay…” he replied. “But… why are you so mad at me?” he asked.

“I already said why.”

He slightly nodded his head. “Because I did not introduce you to the girl earlier,” he said in a way that he was asking for my confirmation. I just stared at him. “Alright. I will introduce you to whoever I was talking to next time.”

I gave out an exasperated sigh at saka tumalikod sa kanya.

“What?” he asked habang naramdaman ko na nakasunod siya sa akin.

“Nothing.”

“Come on… I’m trying here.”

“I know, but it’s not like I was asking for the impossible here, Zion. What I was asking for are pretty normal things.”

“I know.”

“It just makes me think—” I said and then paused for a bit.

“Think of what?”

Umiling ako. “Nothing,” I replied because I didn’t want to say something that I knew I would regret at hindi ko na pwedeng bawiin pa once na nasabi ko na. “Let’s just eat.”

Kinuha ko iyong maliit na table ko sa kwarto at saka inilapag iyon sa may carpet. Zion was just standing there and looking at me. Ang awkward tuloy.

“Don’t just stare at me,” I told him. “Bring the food here and let’s eat.”

Akala ko ay may sasabihin pa siya, but he complied—silently at that, though. He was seating across me. He was just a meter away and his eyes were on my face. I felt conscious but I didn’t want to point it out dahil alam ko na itatanong niya ulit iyong gusto kong sabihin kanina.

“What was it?” he asked.

“What was what?” I asked back, trying to feign innocence.

“What you were thinking,” he said. “And don’t say nothing,” he added. “Come on now. I thought that at this stage, you could pretty much tell me anything.”

“Can I, really?”

He nodded. “Sure you can.”

“You won’t get mad?”

“No.”

“Promise?”

Bahagya siyang natawa. “I promise,” he replied. “Do you want us to do pinky promise?” tanong niya at umirap ako.

Nagsimula akong buksan iyong laman nung paper bag habang naghahanap ng lakas ng loob para simula iyong sasabihin ko. Nang mailabas ko na lahat, wala na akong choice kung hindi magsalita. I mean, this should be fine, right? If the ultimate goal was for us to be together, dapat kumportable ako na sabihin sa kanya iyong gusto kong sabihin? Without the fear na magagalit siya? Because this wasn’t like before na hookup lang. We’re actually trying to end up with a relationship.

It’s different now.

I should stop being so damn scared that I’d scare him away.

“It’s just that I was asking for normal things that normal people should already know about,” sabi ko sa kanya. “So it made me think that… you know? Why do I still have to specifically ask for those things? When you should already know them? It’s like… why do I have to spell out basic decency for you?”

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to have to say it…”

Umiling siya. “No, it’s fine.”

“But—”

“It’s fine, really,” he replied. “I guess you have to know me to understand me, right?” he asked while looking straight into my eyes. “Can I get some water first?”

Tumango ako at akmang tatayo para ikuha siya ng tubig nang sinabi niya na siya na. I watched as he stood up. I watched him with guilt. Hindi ko alam bakit ang bilis magpabago-bago ng emosyon ko pagdating sa kanya. It’s like he has this weird control over me. I didn’t even know why. We didn’t even spend much time together before for him to have this kind of hold on me.

It’s bizarre.

He handed me my glass of water before he sat in front of me. He looked rather uncomfortable. I felt bad. Ayoko rin kasi na pinipilit ako na magkwento tungkol sa personal na buhay ko. Siya rin naman ay walang masyadong alam tungkol sa buhay ko.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m sorry I said that. I was just frustrated.”

“No, I’ll tell you,” he replied. “And it’s good that you said it. Some things I just can’t bring up voluntarily, you know? I don’t like talking about my personal life.”

I nodded. “I understand. Just… tell me what you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to tell me everything.”

“Okay,” he said with a small smile. “Can we finish dinner first? I feel like this conversation should be done over a beer.”

“Oh, right. Agreed,” sagot ko sa kanya.

We ate dinner in silence. Patingin-tingin lang ako sa kanya habang tahimik siya na kumakain. Minsan nakakairita si Zion lalo na kapag may ginagawa siya na nabu-bwisit ako. Pero kapag ganito na tahimik lang siya? There’s something about him that felt… I don’t know… fragile? Na para bang gusto ko siyang alagaan?

It’s really weird with him.

“Is this okay?” I asked kasi apple flavored beer lang ang meron ako.

“Yeah,” he replied as he got the can from my hand.

Merong maliit na veranda sa may unit ko. Zion looked at me and asked, “Can I?”

I nodded at saka naglakad papunta roon. We were in the 14th floor. Hindi ganoon kababa, pero hindi rin ganoon kataas. Naririnig pa rin namin iyong tunog ng mga sasakyan, pero hindi ganoon kalakas. The view was nice, though. Kita namin iyong ilaw mula sa building ng Rockwell.

“My dad died when I was young and my mom couldn’t be bother to raise me, really,” he began.

Oh, fuck.

I was not prepared for this.

“I mean, I did think she tried… She just couldn’t do it alone… Or that’s what I like to tell myself because you know? It’s better than telling yourself that your own mother just doesn’t want to raise you,” he continued.

Ni hindi ko mabuksan iyong inumin ko.

“Do you need help?’ he asked, pertaining to my drink.

Gusto kong umiling dahil kaya ko namang buksan, but I didn’t want to say a word. I didn’t know what to say kaya naman tumango na lang ako at saka iniabot sa kanya iyong inumin.

“I basically grew up in the system. So, you’re not totally off base when you said that I don’t know how to act. No one really taught me, but that’s not your fault. I should have known better. I promise I’m trying. Just give me more time.”

Oh, fuck.

I fucked up.

“I’m sorry.”

Natawa siya. “Why are you sorry? It’s fine.”

“I feel so insensitive.”

“Not really. You didn’t know that about me. It’s not like I tell that to everyone I meet,” he said.

“Still…”

He bumped his elbow against mine. “Hey, I didn’t tell you that to guilt you. I told you that so you can understand me. But I know that it’s not a free pass. I’ll work on the list that you gave me.”

Tumango lang ako, pero ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin iyong guilt. I had some questions in my head, but I didn’t know how to begin to ask him. Pero para bang alam niya kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip ko.

“Just ask them,” he said after he took a sip of the beer. His one hand was on his beer and the other on the railing. Kung hindi lang ganito kabigat ang pinaguusapan namin, mas maaappreciate ko iyong view sa harap ko.

“Is this the reason why you can’t make friends?” I asked.

“I think so,” he replied. “I kind of bounced around, so it’s hard to make friends when you know you’ll leave sooner rather than later.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” he said.

“It’s not fine.”

He grinned. “Are you worried about me?”

Umirap ako. “Now’s not the time to flirt.”

Humalakhak siya. “Sorry. Just don’t like how serious the atmosphere is,” he said. “But it’s all in the past. I’m good now. I mean, I think I’m doing good now.”

I looked at him and smiled. “You’re doing very well now,” I told him as I stared at him.

“Need to gain more weight, though. It’s so fucking hard to eat.”

I chose not to comment on that one. It’s probably because he grew up in foster care. He probably had an undiagnosed eating disorder.

God, I felt so bad for him.

And so guilty for judging him rashly.

It’s just weird… how looking at someone, you’d think that you have them all figured out. With Zion, I thought his life’s easy with him looking like that. I mean, he makes a living by smiling for the camera. It’s an easy life compared to most people. But I couldn’t be more wrong. Tama talaga na you should not judge a book by its cover.

“You’ll get there,” I said instead.

“Thank you,” he replied. “Still far from my goal, but I’m getting there.”

“To be a runway model, right?”

He nodded. “You remembered.”

“Of course, I did.”

He grinned. “You really did like me before.”

Umirap ako. “Shut up.”

“Just admit it.”

“I’ll admit to nothing.”

“Fine. I’ll just assume it.”

“Whatever.”

We were staring at each other and then suddenly blurted out laughing. God, this felt nice.

“What?” I asked.

Umiling siya. “Nothing,” he said. “You have any more question?”

“I don’t wanna ask,” sabi ko sa kanya. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re being interrogated.”

“I don’t feel that way,” sabi niya. “I’d rather you ask me the question.”

“Okay…” I said. “Do you have any contact with your mom?”

“No, not really,” he replied. “Heard she got remarried to some rich guy. Good for her, really.”

“Has she tried to contact you?”

“Not really.”

Oh, damn it.

I just wanted to close the distance and to enclose him in my arms.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said.

“Like what?”

“Like you pity me,” he replied. “I don’t need pity. And I hope that you don’t treat me differently now just because you heard about what happened before. It’s all in the past. I’m good now, really.”

Tumango ako. “Okay.”

“Thank you.”

“Your mom must be very beautiful,” I said. “I mean, at least physically,” dugtong ko kasi alam ko na hindi maganda na basta niya na lang iniwan iyong anak niya.

“She is,” he replied. “She used to be a model before she got knocked up. I mean, at the very least I should be thankful for the genes, right?” he added in a lighter tone.

“Is that why you want to become a model?”

“Kind of,” he said. “There’s this small part of my mind that wants to be famous enough that my face will be all over. That way, even if she doesn’t want to see me, she’ll be forced to see me. A bit weird, isn’t it?”

Mabilis akong umiling. “No, not at all.”

“It is,” he said. “It is weird. Even I can admit that it’s weird.”

“I don’t think it’s weird,” I told him. “It’s very understandable. She abandoned you.”

“Yeah, but she didn’t really want to have me in the first place, you know? My dad promised her that he’ll be the one to raise me but then he died. When I look at it from her perspective, I kind of understand why she did what she did. She probably felt trapped. Had to find a way out.”

Hindi ako nagsalita. He’s too understanding of his mom. But that’s his mom. He’d probably always have a soft spot for her no matter what.

“But I don’t want you to think that I’m saying this to get sympathy points,” he said. “Just genuinely want to explain. I wasn’t around a lot of people growing up. I kind of kept to myself. I’m still trying to get used to meeting people. Sometimes, I don’t know how to act. Making friends is such a burden.”

Nagtampo pa ako na naging close sila ni Nikki. I would never be jealous again. Nikki is a great friend. Kahit maging mag best friend pa sila, okay lang sa akin.

I looked at him and sighed. “I wanna hug you.”

“Just hug?” he asked, grinning.

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, just hug.”

“Fine,” he said as he grabbed my arm and pulled me close. Oh, god, this felt so comfortable. Just him and me in my fucking veranda. “I’ve never told anyone this. Kinda feels nice,” he said and I nodded because yes, it definitely felt nice to feel like I’m finally getting to know the real him. 

**

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Chapter 24

Chapter 24

“So, san daw si Zion?” Gem asked.

Ever since Erick left the country, masyado siyang maraming tanong tungkol sa akin and kay Zion. I felt like she was just trying to distract herself. I mean, okay lang naman but at the same time, wala rin naman akong masyadong makwento about us. We’re still taking it slow. He said he’s not going anywhere, so there’s no reason to rush into anything.

“Shoot,” I replied.

“Magkikita kayo?”

“Sa isang araw pa.”

“Ah.”

“Out of town shoot.”

“Para sa?”

“Summer something,” I said, not able to remember kung ano iyong eksakto na sinabi ni Zion kasi masyado akong distrated nung sinasabi niya sa akin iyong bagong campaign na nakuha niya. He got a new haircut nung sinabi niya ’yon. I never thought I’d be attracted to a guy with a buzzcut but goddamn, he was hot! Sobrang tempted ako na sabihin na tapusin na namin iyong friends phase naman at mag-momol na lang kami.

“Oh… So, may mga model? Na naka-bikini?”

I looked at Gem and frowned. “Ano’ng point mo?”

Her eyes widened and she quickly shook her head. “Wala, wala. Bored lang ako,” she said and then quickly returned to her food.

Ugh.

Hindi ko naman naisip iyon kanina, pero biglang naisip ko na ngayon. So what naman kung may naka-bikini na model? Sanay naman si Zion na makakita non. Saka sinabi niya na na nahihirapan siya makipagfriends, so kung makahanap man siya ng friend na naka-bikini… that’s fine… right?

Lecheng Gem ’to! Kung anu-ano pinapasok sa utak ko!

“God, I’m famished,” sabi ni Nikki nang dumating siya. She just arrived from a shoot. “What?” she asked nang mahuli niya ako na nakatingin sa kanya.

I glared at Gem. “Bwisit ka.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. “What? Ano ang ginawa ko?”

“Nananahimik ako rito. Kung anu-ano pinapasok mo sa isip ko.”

“Wala naman akong sinabi!”

Nikki looked confused. “No idea what’s happening, but I just need to order food real quick,” she said as she motioned the waiter to hand over the menu.

“Okay na kayo ni Zion, ’di ba? So bakit ka magwoworry?” sabi ni Gem sa akin. Hugas kamay pa ’tong leche na ’to.

“In the first place, bakit mo kailangang banggitin?”

“Di ko nga sadya,” she said, but I just glared at her even more.

Nang matapos na umorder si Nikki ay ibinalik niya iyong atensyon niya sa amin. “So… what’s up?”

“Wala,” Gem said. “OA lang ’yan si Arielle.”

“Ako pa iyong OA? Ikaw d’yan kung anu-ano pinapasok sa utak ko!” I said.

“Wait what?” Nikki asked.

“Di ba nasa Batangas si Zion for a summer shoot? Tapos biglang sinabi ni Gem na may mga naka-bikini na model siyang kasama.”

“Stating facts lang! Wala naman akong ibang ibig sabihin,” Gem said.

“Tsk.”

I looked at Nikki. “Work is work, ’di ba? Besides, nakakapagod mag-work so usually natutulog na kayo after?”

Nikki grabbed the glass of water and quietly sipped on it. “I have no desire to be a part of this conversation,” she said and I groaned. “Babe, you just have to trust him, okay? If a man wants to cheat, trust me, he will find a way. You cannot stop a cheater from cheating.”

Oh, god.

Why was I having this conversation?

“But I’m not saying that he’s a cheater, okay? It’s just that there’s no use in stressing yourself over this,” Nikki said. Humarap siya kay Gem. “And you, stop putting ridiculous ideas in her head. If you’re bored, go call Erick.”

Gem apologized but it was too late since the idea was already stuck in my head. Ang hirap naman maging overthinker tapos binibigyan ka pa ng idea ng kaibigan mong bored. Sobrang lala ng combination.

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Nikki said.

“I know.”

“Okay. Great.”

“Umiinom ba sila sa gabi?”

Nikki rolled her eyes. “Yes. Sometimes, they do. Just call him later if you’re so worried.”

“Should I, though?”

“For me? You shouldn’t. I mean, why be in a relationship with a guy you can trust? You’re just giving yourself a headache. But then again, your imagination will just run wild, so I say just call him,” she replied before she proceeded to finishing her food.

I did not call Zion.

The guy also did not bother to update me.

I mean, he did nung sinabi niya na nakarating na siya roon sa hotel kung saan naka-check-in. Wala ng paramdam after. I checked his Instagram account and tahimik lang doon, which wasn’t surprising dahil sa Snapchat stories naman talaga siya nagpopost madalas. He said that his Instagram account is mostly his public portfolio. He prefers to post sa Snapchat para controlled niya kung sino lang ang nakakakita.

But wala na akong Snapchat.

Ginagamit niya pa kaya iyon? I mean, wala naman akong sinabi na burahin niya. I just said that I prefer that we communicate via iMessage.

Leche.

Ako talaga gumagawa ng problema ko, pero si Gem talaga ang nagsimula nito.

I decided not to call him and instead just to wait for his message. It was around 8PM nang magmessage siya sa akin. I told him that I was doing something and that I couldn’t text, so if it’s okay kung tawag na lang.

‘Sure. Give me a minute. Kinda noisy here.’

‘Okay. Are you at a party?’

‘Yeah.’

Okay, so he’s at a party. Nothing wrong with that. Si Nikki na ang nagsabi na normal lang naman na uminom kapag ganito na may shoot. Si Fabian lang naman ang hindi mahilig sa ganito kasi siya na ang nagsabi sa akin na he’d rather sleep than to party. Magpapakita lang siya madalas tapos babalik na sa kwarto niya. And I was always updated kung ano ang ginagawa niya.

Why was I comparing the two? They’re clearly very different and I was aware right from the beginning when I made the decision.

“Hey,” Zion said when I answered his call. “What’s up?”

“Just working,” I replied. “You’re done with the shoot?”

“Yeah. We finished earlier, so we’re drinking now.”

“That’s great,” I said. “Made any new friends?”

“Trying to,” he replied. “They seem pretty okay.”

I was on his Instagram page nang mapansin ko na tumaas ng isa iyong following niya. I hated that I knew exactly how many was his following. It was torture. Kasi alam mo kapag tumaas; alam mo kapag bumaba. You knew he met someone and then you’d wonder kung paano sila nagkakilala… Kung magkausap ba sila sa DM. Your mind will run stories that will make you go insane.

So, I knew I shouldn’t click.

I shouldn’t feed my imagination.

But who was I kidding?

I clicked on it.

He followed a new model.

“Nice,” I said as I told myself not to click on the profile of the new girl Zion was following. But really, curiosity killed the cat because I still did it. I was welcomed with a lot of bikini shots. I knew that Zion would work with beautiful women. That’s just his work. But this girl’s just very sensual! Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinabahan. At alam ko naman na kung ganito man ang nararamdaman ko, problema ko iyon. It’s my insecurities again. Why the fuck was I so insecure?

“Yeah…” he replied.

There was silence between us.

“I’ll be in Manila around 4, I think? Wanna have dinner?”

“Sure.”

“Alright,” he replied. “Can I say I miss you even if we’re just friends?” bigla niyang tanong. “I mean, I can miss you platonically, right?”

Napaupo ako nang maayos. I closed on my laptop. Why was I so worried about this girl when Zion’s here on the phone with me, making dinner plans and telling me that he misses me?

“Do you, really?” I asked.

“Of course, I do.”

“You didn’t message the whole day.”

“I was working.”

“It will only take five seconds,” I replied. “Fabian used to always update me.”

Bigla siyang natahimik.

Fuck.

Why did I have to bring up Fabian?

“I’m sorry,” agad kong bawi. “I just wanted to hear from you.”

He was still quiet, pero hindi pa naman niya ako binabababaan ng tawag. I quietly waited for him to say something, anything. I knew I fucked up.

“You could’ve texted me,” he replied. “Do I always have to text first? Initiate first?” he asked, sounding pissed at me. Rightly so.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

He was such in a good mood earlier. I could really be a fucking dickhead sometimes. Bakit ba ako ganito?

“Fine. Whatever.”

“Sorry.”

“Sure.”

“Will I still see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

Then there was silence again.

“Okay…” I said. “Are you mad?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“A little pissed,” he said. At least he was being honest. “I don’t like being compared—most of all to Fabian.”

I wanted to ask why, but I just wanted to be done with this entire conversation… but also, a part of me knew that I should know these things about him. Because this is how you really get to know someone—not just the good things, but also the bad.

“I know. I’m sorry. It was completely my bad.”

I heard someone call his name. Babae. I chose to ignore that. Mas importante na alam niya na genuinely apologetic ako.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I think someone’s calling you. I’ll just see you tomorrow?”

He didn’t immediately answer me. I heard him say na susunod na lang siya sa kung sinuman iyong nagsalita.

“It’s fine,” I said. “We can talk later. Go mingle with your co-workers.”

“No,” he replied. “I don’t want to end a conversation with a misunderstanding.”

“I know. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t know what I was thinking.”

I heard him sigh once again. “Just text me if you want to talk to me,” he said. “I’ll reply once I see it. I do the same with you, right? I text you and I wait for your response because I know that you have work. I know that modeling doesn’t seem like real work—”

“I didn’t say anything like that!” mabilis na sabi ko sa kanya. Why was this turning into something bigger?! Gusto ko lang naman siya magtext?!

“Right,” he replied. “You told me that I should stop playing games and that I should respect you. I mean, I feel like you should do the same for me. Just message me. How hard is that, really?”

This conversation was giving me a headache, but I knew that these are the things that we needed to discuss. We’re two completely different individuals. We don’t just… get along. Dito ko narerealize na hindi talaga enough na puro feelings lang. We actually needed to do the hard conversations and the hard work.

“I know. I will.”

“Okay. And if there’s any problem, just tell me. Haven’t I showed you that I’m actually willing to work on myself?” he asked.

I was dying of guilt already.

“You did,” I replied.

“I did,” he said. “Because I really do like you.”

“I know.”

“Great. So, we’re good?’ he asked na para bang siya pa iyong may kasalanan sa aming dalawa.

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Go back and have fun with your co-workers,” I said.

“I’ll probably just finish a bottle and head back to my room,” he replied. “I’ll message you when I’m in my room. We can call if you’re still awake by then.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he said.

There was silence again.

“Arielle,” he called my name. “I really do like you. So just message me saying you miss me or something. It’ll literally make my day.”

**

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Chapter 25

Chapter 25

“I have to go,” Zion said.

“Oh. Okay.”

“I’ll see you later?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Maybe dinner? I mean, if you finish early?”

He nodded. “Of course. I’ll text you when I arrive there.”

I frowned. “I told you I don’t need to know where you are every second of the day,” sabi ko sa kanya.

When he arrived from his shoot for the summer campaign the other day, we talked about what happened. He reiterated that he’d love it if I message him first because it’d tell him that I’m thinking about him. Little did he know that I am always thinking about him.

He gave out a crisp laugh. “Yeah, yeah, that’s what you tell me,” he said tapos ay nagpaalam siya sa akin tapos kina Nikki at Gem. Nandito kami sa condo ko nakatambay. Kasama ko na talaga sina Nikki and Gem nung nagmessage si Zion. I didn’t want to be the kind of person na inaabandona iyong friends dahil sa lalaki, so I told him na nandito iyong mga friends ko and that he’s welcome to join. And he did.

“What?” I asked nang makabalik ako sa couch dahil nakaalis na si Zion.

Nikki shook her head. “Nothing.”

Mas mabilis naman ang pagiling ni Gem. “Forever no comment ako.”

Umirap ako. “Parang tanga,” I said dahil ilang beses siya nagsorry sa akin about sa comment na sinabi niya nung isang araw. I mean, that was uncalled for, but I was over it already. Hindi naman kami tatagal as friends kung ililista ko lahat ng ayaw kong nagawa niya and vice versa.

“Basta kung masaya ka, masaya ako,” Gem asid.

“Ewan ko sa ’yo,” sabi ko tapos napatingin ako kay Nikki. “Ikaw? May comment ka?”

Umiling siya. “Nothing. You two look adorable.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “You use the word adorable passive-aggressively,” I told her. We’ve been friends for years. I know when she’s being sincere and when she’s not. “Come on,” I urged her. Meron pa ring konting after effect iyong hindi ko pagpansin sa kanya before. I resent myself for doing that to her. Hindi na tuloy siya kagaya before na diretso honesty agad.

“No,” she said but I just gave her a look. “I mean, I wasn’t using it negatively. You and Zion are like… baby ducks.”

Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. “Baby ducks?”

“Maybe not baby ducks? But you two look a bit… awkward to watch?” she said. “Or maybe because we’re here? I don’t know how it is kapag kayong dalawa lang. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” Nikki added. “Next topic, please.”

I tried to ask them again about this, but Nikki almost beg me na ’wag na naming pagusapan. It wasn’t as if mapipilit ko siya if ayaw niyang magsalita. Mas lalo naman si Gem.

That night, nagkita ulit kami ni Zion.

“Nikki called us baby ducks,” I said.

He was eating his salad nang mapatingin siya sa akin. “What? Did you just say ‘baby ducks?’” he asked, confusion painted on his face.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay… Why baby ducks?”

I shrugged. “Apparently, we looked awkward earlier,” I replied.

“Awkward how?” he asked. “Did they expect us to makeout in front of them?”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “We’re still just friends.”

He laughed. “Sure, sure,” sabi niya. “But how were we awkward?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you think we’re awkward?” I asked him. “Do you feel awkward?”

Umiling siya pero kita ko sa mukha niya na may gusto siyang sabihin sa akin na hindi niya masabi. Ibinaba ko iyong utensils ko tapos ay tumingin sa kanya.

“Spill,” I said.

“Spill what?”

“What you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking about nothing.”

“Zion.”

“Arielle.”

I frowned. “Come on. I thought we’re gonna be honest?”

“I mean, I’m not awkward around you,” he said.

“But?”

“But… but you gave me the list,” he replied. “And no, I’m not complaining, but at the same time, I always have to remind myself of the things that I can and cannot do, you know? So maybe that’s why they thought we’re awkward? But it’s really just me in my head. I just don’t wanna mess this up, so I’m always reminding myself of the list.”

I looked at him and nodded. “Okay. That makes sense.”

“Because it’s the truth,” he said. “But do you talk to your friends about us?”

I nodded. “Yeah. They’re my friends. Why?”

Umiling siya. “Nothing,” he said, but obviously may iba pa siyang gustong sabihin. “Your food’s getting cold,” he added.

“Don’t you want me to talk to my friends about us?”

“I’m not saying that,” he said.

“So, I can talk to them about us?”

“If you want to,” he replied.

“But you don’t want me to?”

He once again sighed. “It’s not like I can stop you,” he said. “But I just feel like some things should just be kept between us,” he added. “You don’t have to tell them everything.”

“I don’t tell them everything.”

He looked at me. “Nikki knows everything,” he said. “That’s why I received an earful from her.”

“I mean… yeah. Maybe I do tell her everything, but she’s my best friend,” I told him. “I ask her for advice.”

“Why can’t you just talk to me? I mean, you’re discussing me with her, so why not just discuss me with me?”

“It’s not the same.”

“Why? Won’t it be better? I know myself better than her, anyway?”

Hindi ako nakasagot.

“Look, obviously I cannot restrict you from what you tell her but… I just feel like some things are better kept in private,” he said. “I just don’t feel comfortable about it, that’s all.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Okay?”

“Okay, I won’t talk to my friends about us.”

“Thank you,” he replied. “You can still talk to them, but not about everything.”

“I understand.”

We talked about other things after that. We even went to the mall to catch the last full show of some movies. It was a pretty good night. He walked me back to my condo and told me na aalis ulit siya for some out of town shoot. It was fine with me since I could catch up with work. Ewan ko ba. Kapag alam ko na nandito lang siya sa tabi-tabi, my mind has this urge to ask him to hangout with me. Nakaka-focus lang ako nang maayos kapag alam ko na physically malayo siya sa akin.

It’s so hard to navigate things like this—more so na nagpromise na ako sa kanya na hindi ko masyadong kakausapin sila Gem about us. Dapat talaga lumandi na ako nung elementary pa lang ako, e. E ’di sana expert na ako by this time.

---

It was Friday night and sa Sunday pa iyong balik ni Zion. Gem said na gusto niyang lumabas since mababaliw na raw siya kakaisip kay Erick kaya naman pumayag kami ni Nikki kahit na ayaw naming lumabas ngayon kasi traffic at maraming tao considering na Friday. We agreed na sa Greenfield area na lang tumambay para at least walking distance lang. We ended in some bar. Kumakain lang ako para hindi ako magkwento sa kanila dahil feeling ko kapag walang laman iyong bibig ko ay magkkwento ako. Ewan ko. Nasanay na ako na lagi akong nagsasabi sa kanila.

Maybe Zion’s right—some things should be kept in private.

“Sa tingin niyo ba nagooverthink lang ako? I mean, sabi naman ni Erick, nagulat lang din siya,” Gem said.

Sinabi niya sa amin iyong tungkol sa latest nila na paguusap ni Erick. Apparently, there’s an ex-girlfriend na bumabalik sa eksena at kausap ni Erick. Model din pala iyong babae at nasa same city sila ni Erick. There’s some kissing involved. I did ask Gem kung ano ang gagawin niya if bumalik si Erick sa Manila tapos magsorry. She said she’ll think about it, but that translated to she’ll accept him again.

Now, I wished I didn’t hear about the kissing thing kasi tuwing makikita ko si Erick, iyon na agad ang maiisip ko.

Zion’s probably right… I mean, at least iyon bang tipong kung alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi pa pala final, ’wag mo munang sabihin sa friends mo iyong mga kalokohan na ginawa ng jowa mo? Kasi kapag bumalik ka, sino ang mukhang tanga? Ikaw rin naman.

Tsk.

Akala mo naman ang talino ko e sa POV ni Gem at Nikki, tangang-tanga na siguro sila sa akin.

Relationships are so hard to navigate.

Bakit ba ’di pwede na mainlove na lang tapos happily ever after na?

I remained silent as Nikki was the one who gave advice. Turf naman niya ’yan. Feel ko katangahan lang din ibibigay ko na advice kay Gem kapag ako iyong nagsalita.

“You? What’s up with Zion?” Gem asked nang matapos si Nikki sa pagsasabi ng dapat niyang gawin.

I shrugged. “Okay lang naman.”

“Oh… Okay,” Gem said. “So, ’di ka selos ’don sa babae?”

Kumunot iyong noo ko. “Babae?”

Gem nodded. “Iyong nagcomment sa picture ni Zion?”

“Anong picture?”

Gem went to Zion’s profile sa Instagram at pinakita sa akin iyong latest photo ni Zion na kakapost niya lang a few hours ago. It was him sitting on the sand, wearing sunglasses, at nakatingin diretso sa camera.

And then there was a comment from a certain Camille aka iyong new follower ni Zion nung last na shoot niya.

camdssnts: i told you to post the other one

Agad na napa-arko ang kilay ko.

“Ngayon mo lang nakita?” Gem asked.

I had to straighten my back. “Nope,” I replied. “Nakita ko na kanina.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Okay lang sa ’yo?”

I shrugged. “It’s just a comment,” I replied although a small part of my brain was already overthinking this like how come that girl had the fucking audacity na magcomment ng ganon sa picture ni Zion? I mean, clearly, they had to be close or somehow close para magawa niya ’yon, right?

“Okay…” Gem said. “Good for you—oh, shit.”

“What?”

Umiling si Gem. “Nothing.”

“Ano?”

Tumingin siya sa akin. “Nawala iyong comment,” she said. “I mean, baka binura lang nung babae, right? Baka sinabi ni Zion na may jowa siya?”

I reached for the glass and poured myself a drink. I told myself I wouldn’t be drinking, but guess who’s fucking drinking tonight because apparently, I couldn’t even talk to my friends about this.

When Gem left for the bathroom, tumingin ako kay Nikki.

“Do you think Zion’s gonna cheat? I mean, he’s not my boyfriend yet I know…”

Nikki shrugged. “Babe, a guy who wants to cheat will cheat. It’s not really up to you. Most of the time, it’s not even about you,” she said. “Just go ask him when you talk to him.”

“Baka isipin niya nagdududa ako.”

“Well, you are.”

“Parang ang hassle naming dalawa.”

“I told you, two baby ducks,” she said. “You two have no ducking idea about how to handle a relationship. You’ll screw up a lot, but if you two really like each other, trust me, you’ll find a way to make it work.”

Pagbalik ni Gem, ako naman iyong nagpaalam para pumunta sa CR, but instead of going to the bathroom, lumabas ako para tawagan si Zion. I waited for him to pickup the call.

“Zi—” pero hindi ko man lang natapos ang sasabihin ko nang marinig ko iyong boses ng babae na sumagot sa tawag ko. 

**

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Chapter 26

Chapter 26

I didn’t know how to bring up with Zion iyong pagsagot nung babae sa phone niya. I didn’t even know why the girl had to answer Zion’s phone. She could’ve just let the call drop. Bakit kailangan niya pang sagutin at sabihin sa akin na bumalik lang si Zion sa kwarto para may kunin? She was definitely trying to insinuate something and I hated that she’s winning because I couldn’t get it off my mind.

“Can I lie down? I’m sorry I’m so tired,” sabi ni Zion sa akin pagbukas ko ng pinto. Pinanood ko hanggang sa makarating siya roon sa may carpet at mahiga. His eyes were closed. He looked so tired, yet still so beautiful.

Maybe I shouldn’t bring up the Instagram thing. Pagod na siya sa work tapos iyon pa ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. Parang sa isang buwan naming ginagawa ’to, wala pang isang linggo ang lumipas na walang naging issue.

Nikki did say that we’ll struggle a lot… but was it supposed to be this hard? May nabasa kasi ako na kapag puro struggle and uncertainties, it’s the universe telling you that it’s not meant to be. Kasi kapag para sa ’yo daw, it should feel like… like home.

Ewan ko.

Nag-ooverthink na naman ako for sure.

“Do you want pasta for dinner?” I asked.

“It’s fine,” he replied habang nakapikit pa rin. “I’m fine with whatever you wanna order.”

“I was thinking of cooking.”

Dumilat ang mga mata niya. “Really?”

I nodded. “Yeah… Have you tried Filipino style spaghetti?”

Umiling siya. “Not really. Is it different?”

“It’s sweeter,” I said. “Wait, have you never tried Jollibee?”

Umiling ulit siya. “Not yet, but I heard about it a lot.”

I faked a gasp. “But you’ve been here for how many months already!”

Natawa siya. “I know, but I did tell you that I’m trying to follow a diet, right? Need to gain muscle and stuff,” he said.

“Cheat day?”

“Fine… We’ll go to Jollibee on my cheat day,” he said. “But you’ll still cook spaghetti?”

I nodded. “Yup,” I replied tapos kumunot ang noo ko nang maupo siya. “Where are you going?”

“Helping you,” he said.

“No, it’s fine. I can do it. You rest. You look tired,” I told him because he did look tired. Hindi ko na itatanong pa kung bakit dahil alam ko naman na for sure uminom siya kasama iyong mga katrabaho niya. And if itanong ko ’yon, for sure magagawa kong maisingit—consciously or unconsciously—iyong babaeng nagcomment sa IG niya at sumagot sa phone niya.

So, no.

I didn’t want to be the paranoid and overbearing girlfriend.

Ni hindi pa nga ako girlfriend!

“No, I wanna help,” he said.

“You sure?”

He nodded. “Yeah. You know like how you and Fabian used to cook before.”

Napatingin ako sa kanya at napakunot ang noo. “What?” I asked because that was so random. He just shrugged and tried to look nonchalant. Natawa ako. “Are you jealous of him?”

Umirap lang siya.

I laughed harder.

“You’re being ridiculous,” I said as I walked to the kitchen. Kinuha ko iyong chopping board at saka kutsilyo at inilagay iyon sa counter. Nakasunod lang sa akin si Zion.

“I’m not,” he replied. “Have you seen how the guy looks?”

I laughed. “Yeah, I know, but have you seen how you look?” I asked while staring directly into his eyes. Kitang kita ko iyong pamumula ng pisngi niya. Lumakas iyong tawa ko. It’s so easy to make this guy blush! Minsan kapag naguusap kami tungkol sa random na bagay, I’d stop and tell him that he’s cute. That does the trick. Kita mo na pati iyong tenga niya ay mamumula.

“Shut up,” he said.

“Never,” I replied, sticking my tongue out. “You look great, okay? Whenever you doubt that, stare at the mirror and see how right I am.”

I saw him wrinkling his nose. Natawa ako. He really could be cute at times.

“Whatever,” he said. “I just really need to be consistent with the gym,” he continued. “Do you really not want to go together?”

“I told you once my contract with my gym ends, I’ll go with you,” sabi ko sa kanya kasi nasa Kapitolyo iyong gym ko tapos nasa SM Megamall iyong sa kanya. Hindi naman ako nagtatae ng pera. Besides, mas preferred ko pa rin iyong sa Kapitolyo. Mas konti iyong tao. Less pressure.

“Okay,” he said. “What can I do?”

“Just chop the onions and garlic,” I told him.

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied and did that little roger thing. Pota ang cute naman.

Zion and I cooked while some French song was playing on the background. Siya kasi iyong nagpatugtog. Surprisingly, the man has good taste in music kaso nga lang hindi ko maintindihan iyong lyrics. But it’s fine—worth it naman marinig siya kumakanta in French.

Why is the French language hot for no reason?!

I thought it’d be a bit weird and awkward dahil hindi kami masyadong nagusap habang nagluluto. I was wrong. It was… comfortable. And it felt nice. I was starting to think na puro chaos lang ang mararanasan ko rito sa kung anuman ang meron kami. Nikki said that we’re still learning, but thankfully, may natututunan naman na kami. I didn’t wanna fight for this every single day. It’s gonna get exhausting at one point.

“That looks good,” Zion said as I was almost done cooking the sauce. I realized na mas gusto ko iyong spaghetti kapag nilagyan ng Nestle cream at saka maraming cheese. It’s just better that way for me.

“I hope it tastes good,” I replied.

“I’m sure it does,” he said and then he gave me a thumbs up and a goofy smile.

Ako iyong naglagay ng food sa plato habang binubuksan naman ni Zion iyong wine na binigay sa akin nung isang client ko. I didn’t have wine glass because I wasn’t a huge wine drinker, so sa mug kami uminom. But Zion seems to be a fan of wine. Maybe I should buy a wine glass.

“Why is your face like that?” he asked as he was beginning to eat.

“Just tell me if it’s not good.”

Tumawa siya. “You’re being silly,” he said and then took a spoonful. I was watching his reaction. He looked at me and acted like he was gagging. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko tapos bigla siyang tumawa. “You’re so serious,” he continued. “The food’s wonderful.”

Hinampas ko siya. “You asshole.”

He laughed again. “You’re worrying about nothing,” he said. “Food is food. When I was younger, a day will pass when I’ll only eat a bread and cheese. You worry too much. I’m not choosy. Not at all.”

I bit my lower lip. I wanted to comfort him, but I knew that he didn’t want to make a bigger deal out of it. But I was glad na medyo comfortable na siya na sabihin ’to sa akin. Sana dumating iyong araw na mapagusapan talaga namin. Para kasing ang daming unresolved trauma na nangyari sa kanya na nagmamanifest hanggang ngayon.

“How was your work?” I asked.

We just finished washing the dishes—well, he washed the dishes. I told him we could just leave it there, but he said that he’ll wash the dishes already. Ewan ko. Minsan kapag may ginagawa ko, iniisip ko na dahil ba ’to sa childhood niya? Kaya ang hirap din magka-anak, e. Kasi alam mo na kung paano mo man papalakihin iyong anak mo, may lasting effect ’yan hanggang pagtanda nila. Malaking responsibility talaga.

“It was good,” he said.

“That’s nice.”

“Met some people.”

“You made friends?” I asked as casually as I could. Nakaupo kami sa carpet at naka-diretso ang mga binti habang iyong likod namin ay nakasandal doon sa may paanan ng couch. We were both holding our wine-filled mugs.

“Too early to call them friends,” he said. “But yeah, I do hope so.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah…” he replied. “Need to network and stuff.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I mean, having an agency is good, but still it doesn’t hurt to know, people, you know?”

“I guess so,” I replied. “That’s probably why Nikki’s always partying.”

Natawa siya. “Probably.”

“You do party a lot, though!”

“Not really,” he said. “Most of the times I’m there just for a few minutes then I’d head out.”

“Same,” I replied. “But most times, it depends on the company. Or how drunk you are.”

“Indeed,” he said. “Sometimes, I think about how easier life would be if I were more outgoing,” he continued. “Like Fabian, you know? That guy can make friends anywhere. It’s bizarre.”

“You do talk about Fabian a lot.”

Natawa siya. “I do, don’t I?” he asked. I nodded. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Not really?”

“Well, someone told me before that if you see someone whose life you wanna have, instead of being jealous about it, just start doing what that other person is doing. Kind of a motivation, if you will.”

“So, you wanna have his life?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Not exactly, but he was raised in a good family, he’s nice, and he’s successful. I mean, what’s not to want, right?” he said. “Even you did like him at one point.”

I slightly nodded my head.

“Do I sound creepy?”

“No, not really,” I said.

“I just want to be successful.”

“You will be.”

He looked at me. His face looked flushed from the wine. “You think so?”

I nodded. “I know so,” I replied, not breaking the eye contact between us. He was looking at me intently that I started to hear the own beating of my heart.

Was he gonna kiss me?

God, yes, please.

This friend thing was killing me although I knew that this was good for us.

But then he stood up.

“I better leave,” he said. “I still have to meet Camille tomorrow.”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “Who?”

“Some girl from work,” he replied. “Thanks for the food.”

“You’re welcome,” I said. “You’re gonna see her tomorrow?”

He nodded as he began to walk towards the door to get his shoes. “Yeah. She said she’ll introduce me to some people,” he said. “I think Nikki knows her,” he continued. Of course Nikki knows her. She’s the one who told me about this Camille na mahilig sa mga lalaki na may girlfriend na kasi apparently, they’re more challenging! I mean, if gusto mo ng challenge, maybe maglaro ka ng online game at tigilan mo iyong relasyon ng mga tao?!

“Oh. You’re gonna party again tomorrow?”

He shrugged. “Apparently. I won’t be drinking much, though. Just a bottle, I think.”

I nodded.

Hindi naman ako girlfriend. Wala akong karapatan na sabihin sa kanya na isama ako or what? Ayoko rin naman maging creepy na biglang lumitaw sa kung saan man siya pupunta. If I ask Nikki, for sure alam niya kung saan mang party ’to.

“I’m glad I met you,” he said.

“Thank you… but why?” I asked.

“Because you understand me,” he replied. “Tough to find people who can understand you and support you,” he continued. “So, I’m happy I found you.”

I just smiled and nodded and all my questions vanished because I needed to just be supportive. I really hope that Nikki’s right—that a cheater will find a way to cheat kahit pa alam mo lahat ng password sa accounts niya. And that hopefully, Zion’s not like that. 

**

This story is already at finished on beeyotch.ph and patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 27

Chapter 27

I didn’t know why I was overthinking this.

It wasn’t as if Zion went to a party without me knowing. He literally told me that he was going to a party at na nandoon iyong Camille. If he plans to cheat (although hindi pa naman kami), why would he tell me that, right?

But what if he told me that so that I’ll think like this?

Ano ba ’yan.

I decided that I should not dwell on this. This was so bad for my mental health. I knew that. I mean, alam mo ’yon? Alam mo naman sa sarili mo na mali, but you’re like some child with no impulse control kasi kahit alam mo na mali, gagawin mo pa rin?

Na gusto kong magfocus na lang sa ibang bagay, but I found myself checking Camille’s instagram account.

And I saw na may stories doon.

I wanted to click on the stories so badly.

“Yeah?” sagot ni Nikki nang sagutin niya ang tawag ko.

“Tell me to stop.”

“Sure, but what are we talking about?”

“Nasa party si Zion kasama si Nikki. I shouldn’t watch her IG stories, right?”

Ni hindi kailangan ni Nikki na mapunta sa harapan ko para malaman ko na umiiling siya. Siya iyong tinawagan ko kasi siya iyong mas rational. For sure if si Gem ang kausap ko, baka siya pa ang pumindot nung story mismo.

“Yeah, don’t do that,” Nikki said. “I mean, if she’s after Zion, best believe that she’ll posts stories to annoy the fuck out of you. She’s a bitch like that.”

Sandali akong natahimik. “What kind of stories?”

“Just stories,” she said. “Just do something else. Seriously, I say this with love, but you’re gonna destroy whatever you have with Zion because of your overthinking.”

Napabuntung-hininga ako. “I know but—”

“No buts,” she replied. “Do something else. Seriously. Busy yourself. Don’t always think about what Zion’s doing. Have a life.”

“I have a life—”

“Babe, I love you, but right now, you don’t,” sabi niya sa akin. “Stop being so dependent on Zion. For me, a relationship is the best when you two are together because you want to, not because you need to. You need to be a complete person yourself. You can’t go into overthinking whenever he does something.”

“I know—”

“Then do it. It’s not enough that you just know it. You also have to apply it.”

Hindi ako nagsalita.

“Do it,” she said. “Watch some series, read a book, heck, write a fucking story. Anything to occupy your time. You’re gonna be so much better that way, I promise.”

I sighed. “Okay… Punta na lang ako kay Gem.”

“Oh, no,” she said. “Pareho kayong dalawa na overthinker,” she continued. “Just stay in your condo and do stuff. And don’t obsessively check your phone.”

“Paano if magtext si Zion?”

“Then reply tomorrow,” she said. “You don’t have to reply the second he texts. He doesn’t do the same, right?”

“Yeah, but he has work—”

“And you have, too,” she replied. “Babe, at some point, he’s gonna leave Manila again to work someplace else. What then? You’re gonna get your brain into overdrive with all the overthinking.”

She’s right.

Mabuti na lang at tinawagan ko si Nikki.

“Okay… Thank you,” I said.

“No problem,” she replied before she ended the call.

I followed Nikki’s advice. Tinabi ko iyong phone ko. Gusto ko sana na manood ng movie kaya lang feeling ko ay maganda na lumayo-layo muna ako sa mga gadgets. I found this one book na matagal ko ng gustong basahin pero never ako nagka-time. Medyo dragging nung una, but once I got to the good part, hindi ko na mabitawan. So much so that I was a bit annoyed nang makarinig ako ng katok muna sa pintuan ko. I was already on the good part!

“Bakit—” I told Gem, but paused when I realized that she’s crying. Agad na nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. “Huy, anyareh sa ’yo?! Okay ka lang ba?!” sunud-sunod na tanong ko sa kanya habang pinapapasok ko siya sa may unit ko dahil ayoko na sa hallway siya umiyak.

She tried to speak, but she was crying so hardly that she couldn’t talk. Binigyan ko siya ng tubig at saka hinintay kumalma. Hindi ako nagsalita. Baka kasi siya kasi iyong tipo na kapag umiiyak tapos pinilit mong magsalita, mas lalo lang siyang iiyak hanggang sa hindi na matapos iyong pagiyak niya. Ganon kasi ako.

“Sorry,” she said when she was able to gather herself. Barely at that.

“Ano’ng nangyari?”

Then she told me about how Erick sent her a message saying sorry and that it’s over. And how she tried calling him but realized that her number’s been blocked.

Holy fucking shit.

Hindi ako makapaniwala?!

Like… seriously? Si Erick? That guy’s so nice! At least based on the moments I interacted with him before. And nakita ko naman sila together ni Gem. He looked smitten. Tapos… tapos biglang ganito? Na ang gago na text lang? Hindi man lang call? Tapos blocked agad?

That’s so fucking cruel.

“I’m sorry…” I said kasi hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa kanya. Her situation’s so horrible. Erick’s basically her first love tapos ganito iyong nangyari? I wouldn’t be surprised if this traumatizes her sa mga future relationship niya.

“I know…” she replied as she hugged her legs.

“What do you want to do?”

“Drink.”

“Ngayon?”

She nodded. “Yeah. I wanna drink—iyong tipong lasing na lasing na hindi ko maiiisip iyong ginawa niya.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea—”

“Please?” she asked with tear stained face.

Fuck.

“Okay,” I said, sighing as I got the soju and yakult from the ref.

---

I tried to call Nikki for backup, pero hindi siya sumasagot. Instead, I left a message saying na pupunta kami ni Gem sa club kasi apparently, gusto niya raw sumayaw. I offered na sa condo na lang kami sumayaw, but she was adamant na kung may ibang babae daw si Erick, hahanap din siya.

Ang kulit niya kapag lasing!

We went to Revel at the Palace sa BGC. I really didn’t want to drink dahil ako ang bantay niya but at the same time, I had to pay for entrance na consumable naman. Ayoko rin naman ibigay kay Gem kasi lasing na nga siya nasa condo pa lang kami. Try ko na lang na coke lang ang bibilhin ko.

Gem wanted to go to the CR kaya naman nagCR na rin ako kasi feel ko talaga hindi siya pwedeng iwanan magisa. Hindi ko rin naman masisi kasi warranted naman iyong paginom niya ngayon.

“Can’t believe he’s playing hard to get,” rinig ko na usapan ng mga babae sa labas.

“I know. Just makes me want him even more,” sabi nung isa pang babae.

“Did he say that he has a girlfriend?”

Lumabas ako sa cubicle. Napatingin ako sa salamin at bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko na si Camille iyong nandon. I know what she looked like because I obsessively stared at her photos nang una niyang i-follow si Zion at magcomment siya sa picture niya.

She looked at me. Hindi ko alam kung kilala niya ako.

“He said he’s single,” she said while looking at me through my reflection at the mirror. Were they talking about Zion? I mean… technically, he’s single. Wala naman siyang sinabing mali. Tama naman siya.

Fuck.

I needed Nikki.

Agad akong lumabas at hinintay si Gem doon. I needed to go back to the condo even if it meant dragging Gem home with me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang trip ni Camille, but I won’t participate in whatever game she’s playing.

Tama naman si Nikki—I’m gonna kill myself with all the overthinking that I’m doing.

But… but looking at Gem?

Fuck.

Para bang wala ng lalaki na pwedeng pagkatiwalaan! Like they could act like you’re the only girl pero biglang blocked ka na?! Like tangina lang, ’di ba?!

Out of nowhere?!

Tahimik akong naghihintay sa labas ng CR nang lumabas si Camille. Feel ko na kilala niya talaga ako kasi tumingin siya sa akin nang dumaan siya sa harap ko. She didn’t strike me as the kind of person who’d look at some stranger. Zion said she’s nice, but obviously she’s nice to him!

Speaking of Zion—for sure nandito lang siya.

I looked around and finally spotted him doon sa VIP table sa may gilid. He was with a group of people. Ito siguro iyong sinasabi niya na iintroduce siya ni Camille. I watched as Camille took the empty spot beside him—it was barely a spot dahil parang kalahating tao lang ang pwedeng maupo roon, but she still chose to sit there. And then they began talking. She was touching him a lot—his face, his hair, his arm. He could’ve stopped her, but he did nothing of the sort. Sure, he didn’t touch her back, but the fact that he did nothing to stop her was just as worse.

I really needed to leave.

Nasaan na ba kasi si Gem—

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko na nandoon na siya sa table nila Zion. I fucking froze on my place! She was so hammered that I had no idea kung ano ang pwede niyang gawin! At paano siya nakarating doon?! Nasa CR lang siya kanina?!

I knew I needed to go there to grab her and to force her inside the Grab para makauwi na kami. Pero ni hindi pa ako nakaka-hakbang nang bigla niyang kunin iyong isang baso sa may lamesa at ihagis iyon kay Zion.

Holy fuck.

Napatingin sa kanya lahat nung tao sa may lamesa.

Shit.

I was literally just reading a book earlier and doing what Nikki told me! Why was I in this position?!

Agad akong naglakad papunta roon, pero may security na na nakahawak kay Gem. Nang makalapit ako roon ay saka ko lang narinig iyong mga sinisigaw niya kay Zion at sa harap nung iba pang mga kasama nila.

Oh, god.

“Zion—” I said as I was watching Camille grab tissue and hand it to Zion na basa iyong mukha at buhok dahil sa ginawa ni Gem.

Pero imbes na sumagot ay tumayo lang siya at naglakad paalis. Gusto ko siyang sundan, pero kailangan ko ring sundan si Gem na nasa labas na ngayon. Tangina naman!

Paglabas ko ay nakita ko si Gem na nakaupo sa kalsada sa pagitan ng dalawang sasakyan. She was hugging her knees close to her chest. I wanted to get mad at her but god, she looked so fucking horrible right now.

Nakatayo ako roon habang binabantayan si Gem. I wanted to go find Zion, but I couldn’t just leave my friend here. Kinuha ko iyong phone ko para tawagan siya at para bang nalaglag iyong puso ko nang i-decline niya iyong tawag ko. 

**

This story is already finished on beeyotch.ph and patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 28

Chapter 28

I couldn’t sleep.

Natutulog sa kama ko si Gem dahil hindi ko siya madala sa kanila. I read stories about people dying because they choked on their puke. She’s too drunk to be left alone.

But I was still pissed.

I was doing very well with handling myself. My mind was going into overdrink thinking kung ano ang ginagawa ni Zion kasama iyong Camille na ’yon, but one thing I was certain with was that I would not act on it. I would think about it—heck maybe even drive myself crazy thinking about it, pero wala akong gagawin tungkol doon.

I was trying to build a relationship with Zion and trust is an integral part.

Pero ngayon?

Hindi ko na alam.

I wanted to call Zion once more, but I didn’t know if I could handle him not picking up again. Naglalaro na naman ang isip ko sa kung nasaan siya, kung sino ang kasama niya. Kasama niya ba si Camille? Did he tell her about me? Did he vent on her about me? Ano ang alam niya tungkol sa amin?

Gusto kong pumunta sa condo niya. Ayokong matulog na hindi kami nakakapagusap. I just wanted to explain. I just wanted to fix this mess. Ayoko na lumaki pa ’to, pero paano kung hindi niya sasagutin ang mga tawag ko?

Nakatitig ako sa phone ko nang biglang magreply si Nikki. I didn’t bother to explain and just asked her if she could come here. Mamaya ko na sasabihin sa kanya kung ano iyong nangyari. I really just wanted to go see Zion.

“Nasa kama ko lang si Gem,” I told her as soon as I saw her outside my door.

“Okay,” she replied with her forehead creased. I only got my phone and my wallet with me. “But… where are you going at this time? Zion?”

Tumango ako. “I’ll be back.”

“Wait,” she said. “Can’t this just wait? It’s like 4AM.”

Umiling ako. “No, I really wanna go,” sabi ko at saka mabilis na lumabas ng condo at naglakad papunta sa condo ni Zion. It was already 4AM. I didn’t know if this was the right idea. Wala na halos tao sa daan maliban sa iilang mga sasakyan at tao na dumadaan. But I also wouldn’t be able to sleep not knowing that we’re okay.

Because we’d been fine.

Sure, it hadn’t been easy, but we’re doing well.

And then this?

Hindi ako makakatulog.

Wala pang limang minuto na nakaupo ako sa lobby ng condo ni Zion nang maabutan ko na papasok siya. He was holding his phone and looking at it. I was calling him. I watched as he rejected my call.

This… felt worse.

Kapag nakita mo nang harap-harapan.

“What are you doing here?” pagod na tanong niya nang mapatingin siya sa gawi ko. He looked tired. I was tired, too. But I wanted to explain. Na lasing lang si Gem. That I was actually minding my own business, trying to be good, that was why this felt so unfair.

I just wanted him to hear me out.

“To talk,” I replied.

“I’m tired. Can’t this wait?”

“I don’t wanna go to sleep with you mad at me.”

“Then maybe try not to do—” sabi niya at saka natigilan. “Know what? I’m really tired. I have no energy for this.”

Nagpatuloy siya sa paglalakad.

Agad akong sumunod.

“Arielle—”

“It was Gem who did that. Why are you getting mad at me?” agad na tanong ko sa kanya.

“Seriously? Can’t we do this some other time?”

“Some other time?” hindi makapaniwala kong tanong. “Why can’t we talk now? I’m here now.”

“Because,” he replied like that should’ve meant something.

“Because what?”

He looked at me like he was exhausted.

Like I was exhausting.

“Because I don’t want to talk now,” he said, looking me straight into the eye. “Look, you gave me a list of things I should follow. I did that. I respected that. Why can’t you do the same for me?”

Napaawang ang labi ko. “I don’t want you getting mad at me—”

“Well, I kinda am. Can’t you respect that?”

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

I could feel the stinging around my eyes.

But I didn’t want to do this in front of him—not when he was telling me to go fuck off right in front of my face.

“There’s a reason why I rejected your calls. Because I did not want to talk,” he said, not stopping for a reason even though he could clearly see as my vision started to get unclear.

Why was he being like this?

Gusto ko lang naman na maging maayos.

“Calls, Arielle. Calls. You get mad at me for not noticing your fucking small hints, yet I blatantly rejected your call and you can’t get the hint that I. Do. Not. Want. To. Talk. “

Tumingin ako sa sahig.

Ramdam ko iyong unti-unting pagbagsak ng mga luha ko.

“I don’t even wanna do this right now, but you just wouldn’t leave,” he said as he ran his fingers through his hair.

Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong pisngi ko ng luha. Wala na akong pakielam kung may iba pang makakita sa amin. Gusto ko na lang umalis. I knew he could get fucking mean, but this?

He said he likes me, yet he has no problem breaking me like this.

“Okay,” I said, as I tried to even my breath. I should leave. I didn’t need to embarrass myself even further. “We’ll talk later.”

Nagsimula akong maglakad palayo sa kanya.

Ewan ko.

Bakit may maliit na parte sa isip ko na iniiisip na sana tawagin niya iyong pangalan ko? Maisip na gusto niyang pagusapan namin iyong nangyari?

Pero nakalayo na ako.

Wala.

Sana bingi lang ako.

---

“Bakit nandito ka pa?” tanong ko nang makita ko si Nikki na nasa condo ko pa rin nang lumabas ako ng kwarto. Nakatingin siya sa akin. Nagiwas ako ng tingin. Alam ko na mugto iyong mga mata ko dahil sa pagiyak. Ni hindi ako nakatulog. Sobrang lasing ni Gem na hindi siya nagising sa pagiyak ko.

“You seriously think I can leave you two?” she asked. “I made you coffee.”

Tahimik kong kinuha iyong kape. Ayokong magsalita. Ayokong sabihin sa kanya iyong nangyari kagabi. Kasi… nakakahiya. Nakakahiya na nagpunta ako roon at halos palayasin niya ako.

“I’m here if you wanna talk,” she said.

Pagak akong natawa.

Bakit hindi ako ganon?

Bakit hindi na nga lang ako naghintay hanggang gusto na rin ni Zion na makipagusap? He was mean, but what he said made sense. He rejected my calls. That should’ve been clue number one na ayaw niyang makipagusap. But no… I had to go there.

And then I had to hear him reject me in person.

Ngumiti lang ako sa kanya. “I know,” I said. “Thank you. Pagod lang ako.”

Tumango siya. “Okay…” she replied. “But whatever he may or may not have said, just remember that people don’t usually think clearly when tired. I don’t think clearly when I’m tired—ikaw din naman, right?”

Hindi ako nagsalita.

Why was this so exhausting?

Why were we exhausting?

Should it really be this hard?

Should we really try this hard?

Sabi nila, when it’s meant for you, it will happen. It will naturally fall into its place. Na walang effort, walang kahit ano. But why does it feel like we’re struggling, more than anything, to be together?

I keep on telling myself that it’s just a part of whatever it was…

But maybe I was just lying to myself.

Maybe it was just one of the lies I tell myself.

To convince myself that this? This was worth it.

“San ka kahapon?” I asked her instead because I didn’t want to talk about what happened. Nikki got the clue. Good for her. Kailangan ko pang mapahiya bago makuha iyong hint.

She was telling me all things to distract myself from thinking about Zion. Nang magising si Gem ay nagsimula na naman siyang umiyak tungkol kay Erick. I wanted to be mad at her, but how could I?

“Sorry nalasing ako,” Gem said in between tears. “Nasukahan ba kita? Papa-laundry ko na lang.”

I just gave her a small smile and shook my head. “Nope. You’re fine.”

“Okay…” sabi niya. “Bakit mugto mga mata mo? Nagaway na naman ba kayo?”

Umiling ako. “Nope. Nanood kami ni Nikki ng movie habang hinihintay kang magising.”

She nodded. “Di ka talaga iyakin, noh?” she asked Nikki who just nodded and corroborated my lie.

Nikki bought us food. And ice cream. Magkakasama kami buong araw. Nanood ng movie. Comedy iyong pinapanood namin, pero bigla na lang iiyak si Gem. Tapos aabutan siya ni Nikki ng tissue. Tahimik lang akong nagpatuloy sa panonood. Kapag tumingin ako sa kanya, baka umiyak lang din ako. Ayoko na sabay pa kaming umiyak. Maybe this was a good thing. I could see how… pathetic crying over a man was.

Erick cheated.

Blocked her.

Yet she’s bawling like this.

But Zion’s not like that.

I was the one who fucked up.

Ewan.

Hindi ko na rin maintindihan.

And then the nighttime came.

They had to leave.

And once again, I was left alone with my treacherous thoughts.

---

I didn’t know what I was expecting with Zion. Akala ko sa isang linggo pa siya makikipagusap sa akin, but he messaged me that night telling me that he wanted to talk.

I was scared.

Ganito ba dapat?

Should the person you like scare you with the mere fact that he wanted to talk?

Normal ba ’yon?

Agad na nakita ko siya sa may coffee shop. He had a coffee in front of him. He didn’t even wait for me.

I sat down.

Said nothing.

Tumingin siya sa akin.

Mugto iyong mga mata ko.

“You cried,” he pointed out.

I nodded. “I did.”

“Because of me?” he asked.

I shrugged, but he already knew the answer. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. Natatakot na akong magsalita kasi natatakot ako sa magiging sagot niya. I didn’t know that that part of him existed. Alam ko na masakit siyang magsalita… pero hindi ko akalain na kaya niya pa palang mas saktan.

“Did you get some sleep?”

I nodded.

“Won’t you talk?” he asked.

I stared at him. “What do you wanna talk about?” I asked him back.

I… I felt like I knew what he wanted to say, but if he wanted to say it, I wanted to hear it straight from him. I didn’t want a cop out. I wanted to hear the words. Kasi alam ko na ilang beses kong papaulit-ulitin iyan hanggang sa makabisado ko na bawat salita, bawat ekspresyon sa mukha niya.

This moment right here would be etched permanently in my mind.

This would probably hurt, but this hurt was necessary.

I wanted him to hurt me… because that would probably make me get over him quickly.

“Say it,” I said when moments passed with nothing from his end.

“Arielle—”

I gave him a small smile. “Just say it,” I urged.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”

“You meant the words, though.”

He said nothing.

“So, why apologize?” I asked.

“I could’ve been kinder,” he said.

“You could’ve, yet you didn’t,” I replied.

“I really like you.”

How can this four words hurt so much to hear?

Kasi dapat ’di ba masaya ka? Na sinasabi ’to ng taong gusto mo? Pero hindi kapag ganito. Kasi alam mo na kung ano iyong kasunod. Na anumang sandali, tuluyan nang mawawasak iyong puso mo.

“But I don’t think we should be more than friends,” he said as carefully as possible. He didn’t want to hurt me, but too late. I was already shattered. Alam ko naman na, pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang masaktan. “At least not right now,” he continued.

I drew a deep breath. “Okay,” I said. “Is that all?”

“Arielle—”

“If that’s all—”

“Come on…” he pleaded. “Let’s talk.”

I felt my chest tightening.

I couldn’t do this in front of him.

He couldn’t see me break twice in a day.

“I don’t want to,” I said as I tried so hard to smile. “But… I understand. I really do,” I continued. “We like each other, but clearly, this isn’t working. We don’t have to elaborate. We both know that this is the right thing to do.”

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. “I hope we can still be friends.”

“Okay,” I said just to end this conversation.

“Don’t block me,” he replied.

“I won’t,” I said. “You know where I live.”

“Yeah… but I’m leaving in a few weeks.”

Tumango lang ako.

Gusto ko nang umalis.

“Can you reply once in a while?” he asked. “I just want to know that you’re okay.”

“I will,” I replied.

“I like you—”

“I know, but stop with it already,” sabi ko kasi kapag naririnig ko iyon, mas nasasaktan ako. Kasi gusto naman namin iyong isa’t-isa pero wala… Nauwi pa rin sa ganito. Sa kung anuman ’to.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I am, too,” I replied with a small smile. “Good luck with your career, Zion. I really wish you all the best,” I said, lying because a small part of me wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting.

Maybe we weren’t really meant to be kasi bakit gusto ko siyang masaktan? Kasi ’di ba kapag gusto mo iyong tao, gusto mo lang silang maging masaya? All that fucking good things in life?

But I wanted him to hurt like how I was hurting.

Maybe I really didn’t like him the way I thought I did.

Maybe it was just one of the lies I told myself because I wanted it to be him.

“See you around,” he said.

“For sure,” I like as I stood up and I walked away and reminded myself that I should just keep on walking away.

Because if it’s for me, it will happen.

I shouldn’t have to try so hard.

No list, no nothing.

No lies.

It will just happen. 

**

This story is already finished on beeyotch.ph and patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Chapter 29

Chapter 29

It was probably torture, but I knew that I had to work on myself. Not for any guy, pero para sa sarili ko na rin. Because who knows, right? Baka iyong susunod na dumating ay iyong para sa akin na talaga. And when that time comes, I wanted him to meet the very best version of myself.

I listed down all the things that I didn’t like about myself nung meron pa kami ni Zion. I hated how untrusting I was. I hated how I overthink a lot. I hated how I couldn’t seem to communicate properly for some reason. I hated that I was so insecure.

I hated a lot of things, I know, pero alam ko rin naman na hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Zion may have been my first love… maybe… perhaps… pero I was sure as hell that he wasn’t the last. I just have to trust na may bagong dadating.

I bought a lot of self-help books and enrolled, finally, sa masters ko. This was something I wanted to do for a very long time, pero lagi kong dine-delay dahil ang nasa isip ko e hindi ko naman na masyadong kailangan. I mean, I was earning good money already. But this was the year that I better myself, so I thought what the hell. Makapag-enroll na nga. Kung hindi ko talaga kaya, at the very least, I tried and know for a fact na hindi kaya ng schedule ko. Pero at least alam ko na kaysa constantly wondering ako kung kaya ko ba.

Also, I met new people in my class. It took quite a while bago kami maging close dahil mga working na kami kaya wala halos time sa bonding. It was only after the end of the semester na nagkaroon kami ng time for dinner.

“Okay. This seriously has to end,” sabi ko nang magiwas ng tingin sa akin si Gem.

“What?” she replied.

“Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa ’yo na wala kang kasalanan, ’di ba?” I reiterated for the nth time. She really had no recollection nung nangyari nung gabing iyon. I didn’t want to tell her because what’s the point? Besides, it was something that’ll happen eventually.

We both like each other, sure, but we weren’t a good match.

At least at that time.

We both had different priorities and insecurities.

Someone told me that a relationship will work best when two whole people come together instead of two halves forming a whole. At that time, it didn’t really make so much sense for me kasi ’di ba you’re looking for a partner? Ano naman ang masama kung dumepende ka sa tao na ’yon? But later on, after a lot of self introspection and lots of self-help books, I realized na may punto naman. Kapag kasi kumpletong tao ka, you wouldn’t need validation from the outside. You’re good on your own. Walang overthinking because guess what? You have a full life on your own. Kapag nandyan siya, then great. Kapag wala? It’s fine. Live your life. And wait for his return without driving yourself into madness.

And I think that’s the healthy way—at least the way I wanted my next relationship to work. Nakakaloka kayang mag-overthink at kainin ng insecurities.

“Pero—”

“Walang pero,” I said, cutting her off. “It was meant to end either way. If any, pinabilis mo lang.”

Guilt crossed her face again.

Fuck.

Wrong choice of words again.

“Which…” I said slowly, choosing the words in my head bago ko sila sabihin out loud. “Wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, you know? At least hindi na nasayang iyong oras ko,” I continued.

Mukha pa ring guilty si Gem.

“Seriously, stop,” sabi ko. “I’m doing so much better. Promise.”

Nakatingin siya sa akin. “Swear?”

I nodded. “Yeah… In fact, may date ako this Thursday night,” I told her. Her eyes would usually widen in curiosity kapag ganito na nakakarinig siya ng tungkol sa lalaki, but ever since Erick, she’s much more… ewan ko. Toned down? Reserved? Hindi na siya ganoon ka-bilis ma-excite sa mga bagay-bagay.

It was sad to watch.

Siguro if may grateful na parte sa akin, it was na at least, walang third party involved sa amin ni Zion. I mean, sure may mga lumalapit na babae sa kanya before, but nung kaming dalawa? Walang ibang kasali. Or if meron man, it was all in my head. Hindi kagaya nung kay Gem na may ex bigla. It was pretty traumatizing kahit hindi ko naman naramdaman. She’s my friend. I was probably more pissed on her behalf at mas lalo pa akong nabwisit kay Erick nung sabihin niya kay Gem iyong sa nangyari sa bar—like that didn’t happen in the first place because of him.

“What date?” biglang tanong ni Nikki nang makarating siya sa cafe.

“I’m going on a date.”

“With whom?”

“Guy from class.”

“Interesting… Do tell,” Nikki said.

---

I went on a date last Thursday night. Pareho kaming nagdecide na Thursday magkita dahil pareho naming ayaw umalis ng Friday night. Sobrang traffic at sobrang daming tao sa labas. We were both home buddies. We enjoy a lot of the same things. He’s also into self-help books.

“It’s weird how we both have a lot in common,” I said.

“But?” Nikki asked nang magkita kami for, according to her, debriefing since ito ang unang date ko in a while.

“But… ewan ko,” I said. “I know I shouldn’t compare, pero kasi kay Zion kahit basically non-existent ata iyong commonalities ng interests namin, hindi kami nauubusan ng paguusapan. Dito sa classmate ko? It was kinda awkward.”

Nikki nodded. “Maybe give it some time. It’s the first date after all.”

“Maybe,” I said. “But I won’t think about it too much.”

Kasi kung para sa akin, para sa akin talaga.

I just have to put myself out there, but no more forcing things to happen.

“Right. Just let things happen,” Nikki said.

“Or maybe ganito talaga kapag green flag? Akala mo boring kasi safe? Unlike sa red flag na may halong danger kaya akala mo exciting?”

Grabe, sa dami ng nabasa kong libro, nakukuha ko na ata iyong terminologies nila at nagiging part na ng everyday vocabulary ko.

“Maybe,” Nikki replied. “But then again, don’t overthink it. I really believe that once you know, you’ll know. You don’t have to think so hard about it.”

“But how do you know that you know?”

“You just know.”

“This conversation is confusing me.”

Natawa siya. “Same.”

“Now, tell me about the photographer guy!” sabi ko kasi siya naman iyong may interesting ‘love life’ ngayon. She rolled her eyes and scoffed. Tawang tawa ako kasi for some reason, bwisit na bwisit si Nikki doon sa lalaki. I think the maneater finally met her match.

“Nothing to tell,” she said. “Oh, right, I remembered. One of my colleagues saw Gem from my snap and he’s asking me to set them up. What do you think? Too soon?”

“Sinong friend? Mabait ba ’yan? Mamaya cheater na naman ’yan.”

“Oh, no, he’s actually nice. I won’t even consider it if I knew he’s a piece of trash.”

“Okay… pero ewan ko. Go ask Gem. Let her decide.”

“That’s true.”

After my date with Nikki, pumunta ako sa mall. I needed to buy some groceries and a new candle na ginagamit ko sa gabi kapag may me time ako. I do some light journaling every night. Ewan. It just helps me process my day tapos minsan kapag nahihirapan ako, I’d read the entries and then I’d feel hopeful once again kasi alam mo ’yon? Things might be hard now, but it’ll get better. Like it did before. That’s what works for me now.

I got some candles from bath and body works. It was quite expensive for a candle, but it helps me clear my mind, so iniisip ko na lang na worth it. After that, naglakad na ako papunta sa grocery. I was trying to eat healthier and lately, I’d been into reading the ingredients and nutritional value sa mga binibili ko. I actually did lose weight as compared sa nung pumupunta pa ako sa gym regularly. Now, I was thinking of doing home pilates na lang, but I’d have to read more into that first. Baka mali-mali magawa ko tapos injury pa ang kabagsakan ko.

And then I saw him.

Agad akong napahinto nang makita ko iyong mukha niya sa labas ng isang sikat na clothing brand dito sa Pilipinas. It was a huge photo that was hard to miss.

Summer na pala.

I’d been too into focusing on myself that I lost track of the season.

I stood there and stared at his face. He was smiling. I forgot how good his smile looked like. How sometimes he looked so playful despite the things that happened to him before.

I still think about him from time to time, but I only focus on the good things.

We had fun.

We really did.

Just because we didn’t end up together didn’t mean that I have to forget the good times that we spent together.

I took a snap of the huge poster. I wanted to send it to him because I was sure that he’ll be delighted. O baka alam niya na? For sure naman sinabi sa kanya ng manager niya iyong tungkol dito?

But then I remembered our conversation before na gusto niyang sumikat para makita ng nanay niya iyong mukha niya. Sa Manila lang iyong campaign na ’to, but this sure was a start for something bigger for him. I just wanted to message him to congratulate him.

Pumunta ako sa thread namin sa iMessage. I stared at it. I was hesitant to open the thread. Before, I used to read the messages a lot—obsessively at that.

And then one day, I just stopped.

I didn’t even realize that I stopped.

Ngayon ko lang ulit bubuksan iyon.

Should I message him?

Congrats lang naman.

He’s the one who said that we should still keep in touch kahit na hindi naman talaga siya nagmessage sa akin pagkatapos nung paguusap namin nung gabing ’yon.

Maybe not.

Tinago ko iyong phone ko sa bag ko at saka nagpatuloy sa paglalakad papunta sa grocery. Binili ko iyong mga dapat kong bilhin at saka ginawa iyong mga dapat kong gawin.

But as I was laying in bed, I remembered the photo again.

‘Saw this earlier. Proud of you,’ I messaged him as I attached the photo.

I was about to put my phone into sleep mode para makatulog na ako nang bigla kong makita iyong typing bubble sa iMessage . My heart began to race inside my chest—something that hasn’t happened in a long, long time.

‘Thank you, Arielle,’ he messaged. Akala ko iyon na ’yon. ‘Proud of you, too,’ he added.

Wait… what? 

**

This story is already finished on beeyotch.ph and patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance if you want to pay via GCASH. As of the moment, credit and debit cards can be used directly when paying in the site :) Thank you!

Epilogue

Epilogue

The strobe lights were dancing and they were making me feel dizzy—dagdag mo pa iyong lakas ng tugtog na para bang tambol sa dibdib ko.

God, hindi na talaga ako sanay sa ingay? Not that I was ever used to the party scene in the first place. Kaya lang naman talaga ako nakakapunta sa ganito ay dahil kay Nikki.

Speaking of the birthday girl—

“Happy birthday!” sabi ko kay Nikki nang finally ay makita ko siya.

“Thank you,” she replied. “I told you that didn’t have to come.”

“And what? Miss this party that your boyfriend threw for you?”

She rolled her eyes. “Again, he’s not my boyfriend—”

“Yet,” I said, cutting her off.

“Whatever.”

Tumawa ako. “You’ve changed,” I said. “I mean, not necessarily in a bad way,” dugtong ko.

Nikki used to go to a lot of parties pero hindi naman siya laging lasing. She was just always out and about. And now she said na she prefers to hangout with the guy who’s not her boyfriend.

She scoffed. “Ew,” sabi niya tapos napatingin siya sa isang gilid dahil may tumawag sa pangalan niya. “I’ll see you later.”

I nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and mingle, birthday girl. Masyado ka ng nakakulong sa love nest niyo ng not jowa mo.”

She faked a gagging noise. “Shut up,” sabi niya bago naglakad palayo.

I smiled at some of the familiar faces. I just stood there as I quietly enjoyed my mocktail. Nagsabi naman na ako kay Nikki na aalis ako by 11PM. I really like going to bed early so that I can start my day early. Mas productive kasi talaga kapag ganon.

Kinuha ko iyong phone ko nang maramdaman ko iyong pagva-vibrate nun. Hinihintay ko iyong message ni Gem. Sabay dapat kaming pupunta rito, pero biglang may kailangan siyang gawin. Baka nasa labas na siya.

“How did you know the birthday girl?” rinig kong tanong ng kung sinuman. Agad akong napatingin sa pinanggalingan ng boses kahit hindi naman ako sigurado kung para sa akin ba iyong tanong.

My lips parted when I saw who it was.

“H-hi,” I said as I stared at him wide-eyed.

He gave me a smile.

I’d been seeing that smile on some billboards, but nothing ever beats seeing that in person.

“Hi,” he replied. “So, you’re a model, too?” he asked.

“What?” I asked, confused with this conversation.

Napahawak siya sa batok niya. “You don’t remember.”

“Remember what?”

Umiling siya. “Nothing,” he said.

Alam ko na dapat sumagot ako, pero para bang hindi gumagana iyong isip ko. I was just staring at him. Did I drink alcohol tonight? Hindi naman ata? I remember very distinctly na mocktail iyong inorder ko.

“You’re here…” I said when I managed to string along the words.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“For a contract?”

“Three months,” he replied.

“Oh… Nice,” sabi ko na lang dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko.

I thought about the things that I’d tell him kapag nakita ko siya… I did that kahit na hindi ko alam kung magkikita pa ba kami. Because he said things before about him keeping in touch, but he never did. And it wasn’t as if he had the responsibility to keep in touch.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “About what?”

“I said I’ll message you every now and then, but I never really got into it.”

Bahagyang napaawang iyong labi ko.

Oh.

So, he knew.

He didn’t just forget about me.

I forced a smile on my face. “It’s fine,” I replied. “It was better that way, if I were being honest.”

“It was?” he asked.

Tumango ako. “You know the saying out of sight, out of mind? “ I asked. “Not that I totally forgot you existed, but I don’t know… I was able to get back on my feet quicker than I could’ve possibly did if you were messaging me every now and then—reminding me of your existence.”

“Out of sight, out of mind…” he said, slightly nodding his head.

“Yeah,” I replied. “You never heard of that saying?”

“No, no, I heard about it.”

“Oh. Okay, cool.”

“I’m right here,” he said.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “What?”

Muli siyang umiling. “Nothing.”

“You’re being weird,” I said.

Bahagya siyang natawa. “I am, am I not?”

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. “So, Nikki invited you?” He nodded. “You talk to her?”

“Sometimes.”

“Hmm…”

“Do you wanna go someplace else?” he asked while staring into my eyes.

My eyes widened.

His eyes widened, too. “No, not what I meant,” he said, with panic in his eyes. “I just meant outside since the music is so loud here.”

Tumingin ako sa phone ko. Wala pa namang message si Gem. If nagmessage siya, mas uunahin ko ’yon.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied.

Sabay kaming lumabas. I wanted to look at him, but at the same time, I didn’t want to and I didn’t know how to. This was so weird. Oo, alam ko na magkaibigan sila ni Nikki, pero hindi ko alam na pupunta siya ngayon. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung nasaang parte siya ng mundo. I purposely did not check his instagram account.

And then this.

“So… what’s up?” I asked awkwardly dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Nakatayo lang kami sa may parking. Medyo naiilang ako dahil nakatingin siya sa akin. I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I didn’t know how to. This guy just has the ability to render my brain useless at times.

“Nothing much, really. Just work.”

“Yeah. I’ve been seeing your face a lot. Congrats.”

He gave me a small smile. “Thank you. You? You’re done with your masters?”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “How did you know that?” I asked because I was a hundred percent certain na hindi ko sinabi sa kanya dahil hindi naman kami naguusap.

He looked panic for a second and then straightened his back. “Nikki told me,” he said.

I arched my brow. “Nikki told you?” I asked him.

“Fine. I asked Nikki,” he replied.

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because what?”

“I just want to know what’s up with you.”

“Why didn’t you ask me yourself?”

Hindi siya nakasagot agad, pero nanatili sa mukha ko iyong tingin niya. This reminded me of the time na nagusap din kami sa mismong lugar na ’to. Only then, emotions were high. Ewan ko. I felt like we’re still rehashing things, but the only thing that was different was that I could control my emotions better. I could still get emotional, of course, but I have a better handle on myself now. I also practice saying things in my head first before I verbalize the words.

“Were you worried I won’t be able to move on if you talk to me?” I asked him.

He took seconds to answer before he shook his head. “No, I was worried for myself.”

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. “What?”

“Because if I talk to you, I’ll keep on wanting to talk to you, you know? It’s just so easy to talk to you. Even when times were bad before, it’s just easier to say the words with you.”

“But,” I said.

“But…” he replied with a sigh. “But I knew that we needed the time and the distance and that it would be good for us.”

Tumahimik ako.

I knew that he’s right, but that didn’t make the pain I felt before hurt any less.

“Just that the timing before was never right, you know?”

I shrugged. “Probably.”

“Nikki said that you’re doing so well.”

“I am.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you.”

My phone vibrated.

Nandyan na si Gem.

“I have to go to my friend,” I told him. Ayoko papuntahin si Gem dito dahil alam ko awkward pa rin siya kay Zion.

He nodded. “Are you free tomorrow for brunch?” he asked.

Natawa ako. “What?”

“Brunch,” he said.

“I heard you. I’m not deaf.”

“You. Me. Brunch.”

“Okay… As friends?”

Umiling siya. “You and I both know by now that we can never be just friends,” he said.

Muli akong natawa. “I admire the confidence,” I said but I knew that he’s right. There will always be this… tension between us. We’re just lying to ourselves by saying that we can be just friends. We’ll never be just friends.

“Thank you,” he said. “I’m right, tho.”

I shrugged. “If you’re talking to Nikki, she must’ve told you that I’m also seeing someone else.”

He nodded. “Yeah. The guy from masters.”

“She didn’t tell you the name?”

“I didn’t wanna know. Didn’t wanna humanize the enemy.”

Natawa ako. “Whatever,” I said. “But I’m seeing him.”

“Not exclusively, right?”

“Nope.”

“Great. So, brunch?”

“You’re serious about this brunch?”

“Among other things, yes.”

“What different will this brunch be from all the other brunches we had before?” I asked as I stared straight into his eyes.

It’s just so bizarre.

We started at this very place before.

And we’re here back again.

Like we’ve gone full circle after everything that happened.

“We know better now,” he said.

“And that’s enough?”

He nodded. “Feelings were never the issue between us, Arielle. Trust that now, we can actually make it work,” he said like a promise and I believed him that this time, we will finally work.