Chapter One

“… bodies were recovered and three more are still missing-” I gasped as I reached down and quickly placed my hand over the side of my stomach, feeling a soft jab in that spot once more. “Shhh, it’s okay.” I whispered.

I sat the newspaper on the counter while practicing slow, deep breaths to keep myself from going over the deep end, I was terrified from what a news-reporter had put in the paper and it was probably the best nickel I ever spent. There was a bombing at one of Mali’s army barracks, I was disgusted with all the gory details but there had been five bodies recovered so far, none of them were very recognizable and I was scared. 

What if Asa was hurt? 

I leaned against the counter and went back to focusing on calming myself down, I didn’t want to get myself in a sticky situation. It was going on the seventh month of my pregnancy, the pregnancy Dr. Ryan had suggested but I didn’t want to believe it. All these years I thought I couldn’t have children, but instead, my ovaries were immature and an egg had be released right on time. I was pregnant. I was truly pregnant and it was by the man that had raped and beaten me. 

Why did that feel okay? Nothing Asa Greene did to me that day was okay and my mind and heart fought about it endlessly, no one would understand and that’s why I shielded myself inside at all times. I had a doubled voucher from the government, enough for my child and for myself whenever I went to get food but I rarely found myself eating. I was lonely. Asa could be missing, he could be alive but just lost. There was always a chance.  

He had told me that when we spoke about me possibly being pregnant, he said that there was a chance I could be pregnant. I had denied it, of course, as anyone would had if they were in their right mind, Asa was never in his right mind. He would be okay, he had to be okay. For the sake of our child . A faint kick caught my attention and I put my hand there with a tiny smile before walking slowly at a pacing motion, never removing my hand from the spot as I looked down at my giant belly, this wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. 

I had only been able to pace for a slow amount of time before my legs started to feel like jello and I took a seat at my kitchen table to rest them, my ankles were nearly twice their original size and I probably looked very sick. I didn’t get out much now that I was seven months, I was too afraid to venture into the world without someone to protect me and my child while my child’s father was away. 

It had been nearly five months since I last saw Mr. or Mrs. Davis, and it was probably for the best because at first two months, I could do well with hiding my new discovery but as the months went on, it got harder to hide a growing stomach. A soft kick once more caught my attention and I couldn’t help but smile as I rose to my feet and decided to make something to eat, I settled for a bowl of porridge and sliced up a few strawberries to eat with it. I sprinkled some cottage cheese into the bowl for my own personal preference before sitting back in my seat and snacking on the meal to make the baby content, it must of been hungry. 

I scraped the bowl clean as I did every time before putting it in the sink to clean later, I was too tired and in much need for a nap right now, and that’s what I did. It’s boring without someone to talk to, or a pet to play with. As pets were still prohibited, I decided to take the hobby of art a step further and worked on sewing whenever I was tired of drawing. When I wasn’t drawing, I was eating or sleeping. When I wasn’t eating or sleeping, I was drawing. A boring time, indeed.

When I had woke once more, I took up time by dusting the house slowly, taking time to get every spec of dust that I could find because I was tired of eating, sleeping, and drawing all together and this was the one time I missed being in town the most. I swept the floor thoroughly before mopping it, the spell to clean had hit me suddenly but I didn’t think much of it as I wiped my kitchen table for the fourth time just in case. Something was just telling me that I needed to clean my home because home didn’t feel much like a comfort, clean zone for me. 

I then ran water in my sink before grabbing the small basket of clothing I had wore over the week to soak with powder for scent, I was running low on many things around the household and while I had many vouchers to spare, it’s hard to hide my stomach. I was sure that it would eventually get to the point that I wouldn’t be able to stay inside anymore and I would have to take a trip to the market, and that’s a scary place. Dr. Ryan had been coming to see me in my home for the last few months because he knew that I was trying to keep the child a secret, it was no one’s business that I was with child. 

Many people thought I was a woman so at times, I had no worries but eventually questions of a father would start to appear and Asa definitely didn’t have a good reputation around the town, so I wouldn’t either if it got out. I sat on the sofa to rest for a little time, as the baby’s movement had picked up and seemed to also encourage me to take a break, he seemed to be doing twists. He… I said he . The gender was something I wondered all the time, what if I had a son? Would Asa be proud? Would he be okay with a daughter? Did it matter ? 

I stretched on the sofa, rubbing my belly slowly in soothing strokes as I laid there with such a content emotion rushing through my veins. I’m okay with this. Me having a baby is okay. In that moment, I wondered if I could give him another one after this, having many children was a good sign. I yawned as tired sunk into my veins next and I was quickly coaxed to sleep by the calmness I felt of my situation, my mind seemed to finally relax upon realizing my acceptance.    

The soft hissing of the kettle on the fire made me raise my head from the newspaper that I had read for the third time in a row, the headline was so catchy and mysterious. I rose to my feet and nearly tripped over them, I quickly stumbled but managed to catch myself as my heart nearly jumped out my chest in fear. I need to calm myself down before I hurt the baby or myself, the baby kicked as if signaling for me to calm myself as well. 

I breathed deeply through my nose before lifting the dress slightly so that I could walk without tripping, I had still been dressed in a stylish pink dress with a white apron sewn in place and that’s what hid my stomach. It wasn’t hidden very well but it was hidden enough that you’d only think I had gained a little weight from overeating. I used linen to pull the hot kettle from over the fire before pouring me a small teacup, I sat the hot kettle aside and popped the teabags inside before grabbing a few scoops of sugar to add as well. 

I took my seat once more and took a careful sip, it was hot to the taste and touch and I sat it aside to cool as I turned back to the same newspaper and read the same portion over again: five bodies recovered and three still missing . The sun had sat past the hills now and it was nearly night, I had lit a candle to help with the light change and had made a cup of tea to take to bed with me. I had napped almost five times today and was now taking a cup of tea to bed with the hopes it’ll let me get some sleep tonight, hopefully it’ll sooth the very active child in my torso.

I carried my teacup carefully up the steps with a saucer to rest it upon whenever I wasn’t drinking it, I entered my room and carefully walked to my bed to set the teacup and saucer down on my bedside table. I gently sat myself back on the bed before taking a sip of my tea and sighing at the comforting warmth it gave me, it made me feel fuzzy inside from the heat of my tea. It was welcoming after such a tiring day of cleaning and sleeping, this child-baring life was boring. Perhaps I will not give Asa anymore children, not until further in the future when he’s home with me. 

We’re we together? I had often planned Asa here whenever our child was born, and I had also seen us together as a married couple like the ones around me, would we get married? He wouldn’t have to worry about his home, he could come live with me forever if he chose. What am I thinking? He’s a rapist, a murderer, and a demon reincarnated, he didn’t need to be anywhere near our child! Hormones , damn you ! 

I sat my half-empty glass teacup aside and rolled on my side to rest, closing my eye slowly and picturing Asa before me. I remember the time he had sat before me and we had shared a cake on my bay window, and that night we had made love… it was his birthday, that day. He had been gentle, which was very unusual all the other times we met, I guess because all the other times weren’t willingly. I didn’t know what had came over me when we had made love, I never thought I could fall for someone so cruel and careless, but I had. 

I fell for Colonel Greene when he had warned me about the cake that day of his birthday, he had gotten payback from nearly half of the town, including a few people that were in the army. What had he told me he put in the cake, some sort of laxatives if I remember correctly. Horse laxatives, perhaps. A light smile fell over my face as I thought about the way everyone had been so embarrassed after the incident and it was something that would never be forgotten, at least on my behalf. Of course, it was something the ones there would never talk about because they all had ate a slice of cake and even the simplest bite could make you sick, it seemed. I laughed lightly at the memory before going back to fantasizing about him laying beside me, his hand lightly caressing the baby the way I was caressing my stomach now. I pictured it was his hand instead. I wish it was his hand instead. 

Come to me, Asa Greene, come to us.

I started to dose as everything around me slowly went quieter and quieter, I yawned and was half between sleeping and awake when something heavy banged on the front door down stairs and I was immediately put into a panic mode as I forced myself up the fastest I could. I hurried to get to the front door without tripping out of my long day dress I had been too lazy to change out of, now I’m glad I hadn’t. As I came closer to the front door to investigate, it nearly flew off the edges from how hard someone was banging on it, luckily I had latched it up before bed or it would of swung open on it’s own. I frowned as I moved around the door and unlatched it, it immediately swung open and I stepped back with alarm as Dr. Ryan rushed inside and nearly tackled me. 

“Sorry, Ms. Michaels, a runner had came to me and said that there we’re a couple of hurt soldiers coming to the area-” Dr. Ryan jumbled into one sentence as he scurried inside and slammed the door shut.

“O-Oh, D-Doctor… there’s no one h-” I started to tell Dr. Ryan.

“Back exit.” He interrupted, rushing toward the back and I quickly hobbled along in confusion as I looked at the man, has he lost his mind?

“W-Why would they come here?” I asked, still confused on why the soldiers would come to my home instead of his unit.

“It’s law, boarding is something that’s going on everywhere right now and considering the group of men, you’ll be thankful, Ms. Michaels.” Dr. Ryan continued to rush along, swinging my back door open and rushing out the back. 

I came to a stop at the back door while still confused on what he was saying, he had really lost his mind! I walked to the patio stairs and watched as he hurried to help a group of three injured men that were being escorted by other men that weren’t injured and also dressed the same way.

“Boarding wh…” I trailed as the group of people that were injured, they were all dressed in soldier uniforms… 

One of the injured ones groaned as they neared, he was being carried with someone on each side as he limped along, he was caked in so much blood on the left side of his thigh and was nearly unconscious as he reached the first step. 

“Elle?” The person croaked, causing me to look at them in awe…

This can’t be real.

Chapter Two

I moved aside as I was still in shock, I looked at Asa in awe as he finally collapsed and the others uninjured soldiers holding him had to quickly keep from dropping him as they tried to move him slowly up the stairs, well… drag him up them. Dr. Ryan quickly rushed to get them inside while holding the back door to my private home open, the second soldier right arm was completely gone with a separate army shirt keeping it covered. 

Finally, the third soldier was in the worst shape and definitely looked like he would soon succumb to his injuries, but I knew that Dr. Ryan was going to try his hardest to keep the young soldier alive. I leaned against the first post on the patio as I heard banging and crashing while Dr. Ryan turned my front living room and nearby areas into his personal space to work on helping the injured. I slowly inched into the house, putting my hand on my stomach unknowingly as I used the wall for leverage, basically sliding against it as I walked toward them in shock still. 

He had returned… Asa was home…

I moved to where Dr. Ryan was working on the third soldier first, as his injuries seemed very life threatening and he was unconscious on arrival. I walked a little closer to watch as Dr. Ryan ordered one of the soldiers to go to the well and get a bucket of water from the backyard, the soldier rushed to do as he was supposed to as another soldier was raiding closets. It had gave me the same sensation I had gotten when I had gotten an inspection and my home had been torn apart, I remember the grains all over the floor and it was happening again. He was constantly coming up empty-handed and was obviously getting irritated about the entire situation as Dr. Ryan kept ordering him to find things he needed. 

“Linen are in the other cabinet beside that one.” I told the soldier when he went to swing a cabinet open with agitation.

He was probably barely older than I, if not a few years younger with dirty blonde hair and teary blue eyes that were very red, he looked very traumatized as he stared at me and he stared as if this was the first time he actually realized my presence. I stepped back while still holding my stomach without thought, it was out of habit and when I finally did notice, I quickly dropped my hand as if my stomach was on fire and stepped away while the soldier watched my every move. 

“Ms. Michaels,” Dr. Ryan spoke as he spotted me exiting my kitchen, “I put the Colonel upstairs, I need your help. If you don’t mind, can you clean his wound for me… this one might take a while.” He said, gesturing to the unconscious soldier.

“U-Uh, y-yes.” I said, still shook about the entire ordeal.

I slowly turned and grabbed the staircase railing before pausing as I realized I needed a bucket of water and a few linen as well, I turned back to Dr. Ryan just as the solider came with linen from the kitchen.

“Linen… please?” I asked, Dr. Ryan quickly nodded and handed me few before telling the same soldier that brought the linen to him to go get me a bucket of water as well. 

I cupped the linen to my chest and ascended up the steps one by one, every step was almost in slow motion as I hesitated to see Asa this way, he was hurt. My child’s father was hurt and I wasn’t sure if there was much I could do about it. I walked to my bedroom and stared at the shut door that had blood smears on it from it being pushed open, I slowly pushed the ajar door and looked at the damage of my bedroom. There was a blood trail from where they had to drag him to the bed, I will have to get on my knees and scrub that whenever I finished cleaning everything else up. 

My bedroom didn’t have much change to it, other than the blood all over the bed and bedside table, not to mention the man laying in the center of the bed with his chest slowly rising up and down. I could tell he was sleeping because his shirt had been torn open for better sight, he was still breathing and that at least made me feel better. I moved closer to the bed and dropped the linens on the bedside table before leaning slightly over him to get a better look, he was just as handsome as usual. 

All these months that Asa had been gone, he had not changed much other than the thick stubble on his defined jawline, his lips were just as kissable and his muscles had seem to be harder than before, as if he had worked out everyday. I reached a hand out and slowly caressed his jaw, his features were so masculine as any colonel’s should be, he was so handsome just like before, even as he laid unconscious with blood all over my bedding. 

The door suddenly swung open and I quickly pulled my hand away from Asa’s jaw before turning to look at the soldier that had entered the room. The soldier was the same as before that was giving me a stare-over, he halted at the sight of me before hesitating to step forward as he looked between Asa and I before his eyes trained on Asa longer.

“I love him.” He spoke suddenly, and for some reason, a chill rushed through my body as I looked at the soldier in uncertainty. “I’ll kill you if he dies.” He quietly promised while setting the spare bucket near the bed and pausing at the foot of it. 

I stayed silent as I stared at the soldier, he was just a child and he was already talking about love, but wasn’t I as well? I averted my eyes just as the soldier looked at me to make eye contact, I turned my gaze to my dresser and stared at it as I waited for the soldier to step away from us, as I didn’t feel safe. His hand slipped into his pocket and I felt my heart nearly enter my throat as I watched him closely, unsure what exactly was his motive until I noticed a crumbled piece of paper in his hand, and it was a little bloody.

“I remember you.” The soldier spoke up again as he slowly circled to where I was standing, making me watch him even closer but for some reason, I couldn’t move, I was stuck in place.

I was scared this soldier would try to hurt me, and what did he mean when he said he remembered me? I don’t know where he could remember me from because I definitely never saw him before, I was confused what he meant by he remembered me. 

“That day of inspection… you weren’t on the list, but he had the authority to search anyone he wanted.” The soldier said as I turned my attention to look at Asa as he rested, he had came over knowing I would be here, the soldier snickered a little before continuing as if he was humored about the whole thing. “He picked you, and you had let us in because you didn’t have a choice. I made sure to leave your kitchen so pretty for you, and I was determined to find something on you… anything I could.”

I looked over at the soldier while wondering what was making him tell me all of this, what made him want to tell me the truth about that day? He had hoped he’d find something bad enough to lock me away, and there was nothing worse than that. This mysterious soldier was the one that had raided the kitchen, no wonder I felt the odd emotions from that day because he was again, attempting to leave the kitchen so pretty for me. Something about that statement angered me, he wanted to jail me because there was hate he had for me, because Asa had picked me to inspect? Did he hate me because I was on Asa’s radar unwillingly?

“You looked so sad and clueless, as if you always questioned why he was picking on you… I asked the same thing. When he told us to leave and he stayed, I knew what he was doing… I knew he was going to hurt you. I didn’t care .” The soldier said with yet another snicker, making the anger inside me only raise as I slowly shook my head to tell myself to calm down. 

I felt ready to strike the soldier, ready to plummet him until everything on his face was unrecognizable but a light kick caught my attention and it was like all the anger inside me dissipated, I have more important things to worry about. I seemed to snap out of a trance as I grabbed one of the linens and dipped it into the bucket of water, I then wrung it out before setting it on the bedding and working on removing the clothes on Asa, starting with his shirt. I heard something crinkle and looked at the soldier’s hand as he tightened his fist around the same bloody paper, his blue eyes were now blurry and staring in the distance in thought.

“I tried to make him see I was here, I knew I could love him how he needed to be love. Not you.” The soldier said, his voice croaking a little as he squeezed his eyes shut and cleared his throat. “I had sex with him while we were at the barracks, and it was good. It was damn good, but even then, he would always call me your name.

Elle

…“ The soldier then scuffed in disgust as he opened his eyes and glared at me.

I averted my eyes upon us making eye contact then, I worked on getting Asa out of his shirt carefully and it was a little of a challenge with him unconscious, so I decided to leave it hanging open enough for me to wipe him clean. The soldier was having a breakdown, and I took the chance to snag a look at his uniform to see if I could see his name somewhere on it, I didn’t see his name anywhere. He seemed to be reaching a limit with Asa’s distant love behavior, but even I knew that Asa didn’t have love for his man because Asa only loved me. I hoped I was all he could think about because he was all I could think about, I missed Asa around after that time we spent. He had showed me that he could be loyal by warning me when he didn’t have to, but was it more to it than that?

“I was going to confess my love for him, to tell him to leave you and once this war was over, we could go rouge. I found this in his tent,” The soldier said, holding up the hand with the crumbled paper, making me tense a little at him getting closer to me,“ it’s a letter. For you,

Elle

.“

I started to reach for it with a little blood on my hands, I hesitated as I looked at the soldier as his red-rimmed blue eyes stared at me with such disgust and anger, and right when I went to grab the paper, he yanked it back.

“B-But… I don’t think you deserve this, you don’t deserve him. I love this man, and I know he loves me. I know it! He’s a man-lover but he’s so confused, he’s terrified of himself. A-And you… you’re just some puny woman that won’t be able to handle him.” The soldier growled angrily, tightening his fist on the paper again, before looking down at it as a tear slipped down his cheek. “I’ll have sex with him in your face if that’s what it takes for you to see, he’s not built for a woman, he needs a man to hold him forever.” The soldier growled before stomping out the room with the crumbled paper still tight in his hand. 

Only if you knew, young soldier… only if you knew.

Chapter Three

I sighed as I sat down in the rocking chair near the window that now had the curtains drawn so that Asa could sleep better, he still hadn’t awoken during the process of me cleaning him and Dr. Ryan patching up his large wound. I closed my eyes as I noticed the sun was rising now, I had stayed up the entire night with worry about Asa, as well as the other soldier who’s mindset didn’t seem to be right. No one’s mindset seemed to be right around here, but definitely that soldier’s mindset was completely off. 

I was curious of the letter Asa had wrote me, how did that soldier get it? Why had I never received any other letters? Something was going on and I knew that soldier wouldn’t tell me, not unless I asked and demanded he answered it, but he was definitely against me so I wasn’t expecting anything out of him, definitely not the truth. I groaned as I stretched to get a little more comfortable in the over-sized, oak wood chair before opening my eyes a little but it was useless as they immediately shut and I was plunged into darkness. 

I wasn’t sure how long I actually slept, as the exhaustion of the situation kept me in a deep slumber for quite some time in the large rocking chair, but it wasn’t long before I had woke from the tumbling of the child inside me, we’re hungry. I opened my eyes finally and looked around as everything slowly came back to me, Asa was laying in my bed with the bloody bedding now pulled up to his waist as he still rested, I’m not sure if he’s doing so well, I’ll have to ask Dr. Ryan. 

I carefully rose to my feet with a yawn and stretched to the ceiling as my bones shifted into a more comfortable position and my back definitely ached from the straight-up position I had slept in. I slowly walked over to where Asa was still resting in my bed and stared at him, still in awe that he was here before me after all these months, it’s been nearly seven months since I’ve seen him… he doesn’t know. I placed my hand on my stomach as I stared at him still, it was like I was expecting all of this to vanish and I would wake up or something. 

He’s really home.

I finally found the strength to reach forward and brush my thumb along the stubble of his jaw, caressing the area as he still rested without even a flinch, he was extremely weak from his wound and that worried me. I continued to stroke his stubble before taking a seat on the left side of the bed and still finding comfort in touching his face, I stared at the same thick eyebrows that sit over his chocolaty brown eyes that were gentle the last time they stared at me. I cocked my head slightly as I noticed something on his neck, and it was something that wasn’t there before and upon closer exception, I noticed it was a blade mark, nothing dangerous I hope. 

I reached with my other hand and lightly touched the scar to see how tender it felt but it was well healed, meaning he hadn’t gotten it from recently. I gazed down his body, looking at his stocky chest as it rose up and down with his stomach so defined with may desirable crevasses, not to mention the lower half that disappeared under the bedding. His chest had a little bandaging, but nothing major and I was glad because that mean’t he wasn’t too hurt, just his leg and I would have to ask Dr. Ryan what’s wrong with his leg. 

I felt a light kick and smiled down at my stomach before looking at Asa’s still hand, I looked at his face before gently grabbing his left hand and carefully setting it over my stomach. It was warm and solid, definitely strong to the touch and I gently caressed the back of his palm as I left his hand there, staring at him with hope that he’d heal and be the same person as before. I hope he pulls this through. I then looked back up at his face as I continued to stroke the back of his hand and immediately froze as his deep brown eyes stared at me for a second without recognizing me. Then it seemed to dawn at me as his eyes trailed over my entire face, he looked so exhausted. 

“Elle?” He asked in a croaky voice.

I opened my mouth to reply as my eyes watered up at the sight of his beautiful brown eyes and the sound of his voice calling my name, it was something I hoped I could hear again but his eyes shut once more and he seemed to settle back into an exhausted slumber. I smiled lightly as a tear escaped but I quickly wiped it away and sat his hand back where it was laying beside him before rising to my feet as the baby seemed to happily kick once his father’s hand moved away. I walked out the room and shut the door quietly behind me before looking at the blood smear, I guess that’ll be my agenda for today, cleaning the mess in my home. I walked down the staircase carefully and immediately stepped into the living room to find Dr. Ryan, and I spotted him nursing a cup of coffee and looking through the newspaper I had bought yesterday. 

“Hello, Dr. Ryan.” I spoke to catch his attention before looking at the disarray of my living room.

“Ah, morning, Ms. Michaels. How are you?” He greeted, rising to his feet while setting down the cup of coffee and newspaper carefully. 

“Well, you?” I asked seriously, he had a rough night as well.

“Well, it seems. Thank you for your help last ni-” Dr. Ryan said, smiling down at me tenderly.

“Will he be okay?” I asked, deciding to cut to the real question.

I looked at Dr. Ryan with an uneasy smile as his smile faltered a little before he averted his eyes then put his finger to his chin, was that bad? I felt my worry skyrocket as I quickly rushed to take a seat and upon noticing my dilemma, Dr. Ryan rushed to aid me to the sofa as I took deep breaths to calm myself. 

“Ms. Michaels, it’s important that you stay calm while you’re this far along. I would’ve skipped your home if I knew you couldn’t handle it, Colonel Greene should be fine but only time can tell. He just needs very much care and much rest to heal and over time, you’ll be able to tell if he’s healing in the right direction.” Dr. Ryan informed me, making me nod slowly

“Who’s going to provide that for him?” I asked, looking nervous about him being moved out of my home. 

Dr. Ryan looked at the bloody table they had rested the third soldier on and grabbed file that was laying on it before handing it to me, I frowned at the file before pulling it open and looked at the Boarding of Mali Certification … and as of now, I am the caregiver of Asa Greene and the other soldier here. You’ve got to be kidding me. I read the document over once more before looking at Dr. Ryan while he averted his eyes with a slow nod, almost agreeing with exactly how I felt. 

“He’ll sleep the first couple of days, wake him with porridge or cream of wheat. Something light so that he can have a little energy, he doesn’t need anything heavy until he can hold the light food down, be aware of that.” I nodded slowly as I listened while turning to the next document. “Sign that one, please.”

I looked over at Dr. Ryan as he inked a feather pen for me before handing it to me, I looked at the document and sat it on the less bloody side of the table before hesitatingly scribbling my name on a blank space of the document before handing it to him to take. 

“The rest of that is for you to keep for record and such, in case they deny you vouches for the other soldier that will be staying as well.” Dr. Ryan said, rising to his feet as he folded the signed document and put it away.

I frowned in confusion. “What about that last soldier?”

“He died.” Dr. Ryan said blandly. “It’s the way of war.”

“Indeed it is.” I whispered, rising up to get something to settle the child in my stomach, Dr. Ryan followed suit as he grabbed his coat and slipped it on.

I lead him to the door and held it open for him as he corrected his coat before turning to look at me as he stood right out side of the front door, shoving his hands in the pocket of his coat.

“My wife’s brother is boarding with us, I’d say we have it bad but that’s an understatement. Good day, Ms. Michaels.” Dr. Ryan then tipped his hat and departed from the door step, I shut the door slowly with the new information. 

I leaned against the door for a second before rubbing the spot the baby kicked and heading to the kitchen to find me something to eat, I settled again with porridge and some slices of fruit, and topped with cottage cheese. I then made another bowl to feed to Asa, as well as a bowl to give to the soldier that had a missing arm, he probably will recover soon and hopefully it won’t be much to helping Asa recover… I’m no doctor. 

I grabbed the other soldier’s bowl before walking to where he was sitting at the bay window, he had his left hand cupping his right nub that was perfectly wrapped and cleaning. I moved carefully toward him while also working to not drop the bowl of porridge, he noticed me moving closer and quickly rushed to meet me halfway.

“Thank you, miss.” He said politely, sitting back at the bay window, I backed away a little and watched as he held the bowl on his lap before it dawned on him that he only had one hand.

He looked lost for a second until I stepped forward once more and grabbed the bowl, he looked up at me before looking at the bowl of plain porridge, I grabbed the spoon and scooped some for him before handing the spoon to him, which he gladly accepted. That was the routine, he only needed so much assistance and we even made small conversation as I helped him eat. His name was Stanley, and this was his third war but his first time fighting alongside Colonel Greene because he was deported here right before the war with Rosewood v Mali. He was only twenty-nine and had two children that were still in his homeland, his wife had passed after the second child was born and he had his sister watching his children while he was away. 

“What made you join the army?” I asked curiously.

“Colonel Greene had.” He said, pursing his lips. “He told us only the fiercest would last, and he told me that I could do it, I could help expand our world… so I joined.”

“You seem fond of him.” I said, admiring the fact that Asa had people that actually cared about him.

“We all are in our own way.” Stanley said with a shrug. “I hated him at first, he was disgusting and cruel as hell to anyone he wanted to be, but I learned that he did it for a reason. He’s only human himself, and he’s also in love.” 

I frowned at him, how did he know?

“Everyone knows.” Stanley chuckled as if he read my mind. “He told us of the little lover he had that was having his child, he said he had to make sure he got home to you. I’m surprised you haven’t ran into Robert yet.”

“I think I have.” I told him, a little chuckle escaping me.

“Uh, he’s a sicko. Thinking the Colonel is a man-lover, that’s blasphemy and he knows it. He should be hung for such accusations but the Colonel let him pass. I would of gutted him, sick bastard.” Stanley said, disgusted with what Robert probably was trying to tell everyone. 

“He’s in love with Asa.” I said, not catching that I called the Colonel by his first name.

“You know him that well?” Stanley asked, cocking his head with a smile slowly spreading over his face.

I nodded slowly, a blush hitting my cheeks as I averted my eyes to stare out of my bay window and admire the beauty of the day, it’ll be a very nice day of gardening if I feel like it. 

“Well enough.” I decided to answer instead, considering I knew his privates before I knew his name, and that was vice versa. 

“Then it is true, you’re his lover.” Stanley said, nodding slowly as he finally got confirmation. “Are you truly pregnant as well?”

I nodded again, taking a heavy breath as this started to get more than personal, I was getting uncomfortable with a stranger knowing everything, he could secretly be like that Robert man that was obsessed with Asa. 

“Good, he always seemed happy when he spoke about you to me.” Stanley said before rising to his feet and dismissing himself for the restroom.

He talks to them about me?

Chapter Four

I carefully opened the door of my bedroom while jugging the bowls of porridge, one of them being mine, before entering and looking at the bed to see that Asa was sleeping, I have to wake him and feed him. I sat my bowl aside for later before walking to the left side of the bed once more, I sat down and placed the bowl of plain porridge on the bedside table before reaching to lightly wake him. I placed my hand on his chest and lightly tapped him a few times, he stirred a little before his eyes flickered open and he looked at the ceiling with a distant gaze, as if he wasn’t seeing it.

“Asa…” I softly called, catching his attention as his head slightly tilted left to look at me. “I brought you some porridge.”

He remained silent and just stared at me, I was half expecting him to close his eyes and go back to resting but his stoic expression told me that he was very much awake and focused, which was probably good. I watched him closely as he continued to stare at me with that same stoic expression he used to always wear when I first had laid my eyes on him, it was so nonchalant and fearful. I moved to touch him when he rejected my touch, knocking my hand away from him swiftly and glaring at me with disgust, what’s wrong with him? 

I looked at him with worry as he pulled himself slowly into a painful sitting position before glaring at me, his eyes were red-rim and he looked very sick but I knew he wasn’t going to let me touch him. I sat the porridge in his reach and took a step back as he grabbed the spoon with a shaky hand, this wasn’t how I expected this to go. What had I done for him to treat me this way? Before he left, things had been fantastic and even Stanley said that Asa talked about me when he was away, so what happened in between that time?

I watched as he attempted to lift the spoon of porridge but failed as it spilled all over himself, he released an annoyed growl after the third try before angrily smacking the bowl off the bed, sending porridge everywhere on the floor. He then tossed the spoon with disgust as well before turning his gaze elsewhere so he didn’t have to look at me, what happened to him? I walked closer to clean the mess, I attempted to bend over but it was harder with my belly in the way so I settled with leaving it there. I breathed heavy as I looked over at Asa to see him looking at me with a squinted expression, as if he was accusing me of something.

“A-Asa…” I trailed, I had to make sure he still cared at me… does he still love me like they say?

“Leave.” He said suddenly, catching me completely off guard. “Now.”

“B-But, Asa, I’ve miss-”

“Get out!” He yelled angrily at the top of his lungs, making me flinch and send our child into a rage in my stomach, I placed my hand on the spot the baby was kicking, catch Asa’s attention.

He sputtered in shock as he stared at my stomach and seemed to realize that I had a baby bump now, he reached his shaky, weak hand up and rubbed it across his face in disbelief before shaking his head. I was confused on the way he was acting towards me, he was so hostile and unforgiving, I did nothing wrong to him and this was how he was treating me. I was glad to see him but apparently he wasn’t too happy that I was before him. I had expected him to smile at me and tell me that he missed me like I was trying to tell him, this was not how things were supposed to go when he returned home to me, to us.

“You’re the reason I’ll be going to hell.” He said as he stared off into space with a disgusted face. “You’re a man-lover… you’ve damned me and everything about me.” He accused.

“A-Asa, please, don’t say those things.” I whimpered in a quaky voice, feeling my heart drop in my chest at what he was telling me. 

Asa was damaged, and it was obviously from something on the inside with him, something had him completely distraught about me being in his presence, and that hurt the worst than realizing he didn’t want our child. I was his damnation in his eyes, I was the reason he wouldn’t be able to go to heaven and that hurt worse than his rejection of my touch. He was shattering my heart piece by piece and I couldn’t stop him, I took a step back as I realized that tears were rolling down my cheeks as Asa suddenly sobbed loudly and covered his face while he sat up in the bed, his anger still piercing the air around us. 

“You should of been killed, you’re blasphemy!” He yelled angrily. “I don’t love you, I can’t love a man! I can’t be a man-lover, please, stay away from me!” I reached to touch him. “Don’t touch me! You’ve soiled me enough! Get away from me!” He continued to scream at the top of his lungs, and I cried because I was hurt by his words.

I took a step back as the door swung open and Robert stepped in, making me take another step back as I looked at Robert as he looked confused before realizing that Asa was awake now, he moved closer and blinked a few times before looking over at me. I struggled to calm myself but it was hard as I wiped tear after tear, trying to stop myself from crying as Asa suddenly quieted down and seemed to slip back into a slumber while Robert stared at him from a distance out of his eyesight. I stayed a few steps back as Robert came close enough to analyze Asa while he was now sleeping, I moved to the right side while still hiccuping. We, thankfully, managed to work together to get Asa’s big body under the covers and laid flat once more so he could rest. 

“You’re not meant to be with him.” Robert said once we had finished and stood on each side of him.

I wasn’t going to give up on Asa because of his little spill against me, no, I was going to show him that I could love him just as much as anyone else and that he could be forgiven one day in the eyes of the holiest. He wasn’t soiled and he definitely wasn’t damned, I loved him even if he believed he was, in my eyes, he was the best thing that probably happened to me. Even after raping me and beating me, I still had just as much hope as I had before he left for war. 

“He’s mine.” I deadpanned back to Robert, staring down at Asa as he looked so innocent sleeping, he didn’t have that stoic appearance in his sleep like I used to fantasize. 

“You’re not strong enough to handle him, you’re but a mere woman. I told you he needs someone like m-” Robert started up once more but I was tired of hearing it.

“Someone who’s insane?” I asked, looking at him in the eye now, I won’t let him take my man. “You’re not the one he wants.” 

“You’re not either, apparently.” Robert retorted, making me snicker and shake my head to dismiss him.

“And you’re not injured, you shouldn’t be in my home according to the documentation.” I replied, I watched as Robert face sneered up before he turned and abruptly stomped off. 

I looked back at Asa and sighed before walking away to let him get some rest, he was very distressed about the entire situation and part of me believe that maybe he thought I was someone else at the moment. However, he knew who I was and that made me believe that maybe he done with me, maybe he truly did hate me. He was the one that continued to pursue me after finding out that I was truly a man with soft feminine features, he could of left me alone or killed me after our first encounter but instead, he took a personal liking to me. This wasn’t my fault. 

This can’t be my fault. 

I’m not blasphemy, I’m not damned, and I am strong enough, I can do this! I no longer had an appetite after the entire ordeal, I sat back in the same rocking chair as before and sighed up at the ceiling as I worked on taking deep breaths, feeling a faint kick of the child that was still hungry. Guess I have no choice but to eat if I want it to stop kicking at me, so that’s what I did. Three bites and I was ready to spill my food back up, I sat the porridge aside once more and rested back in the chair, soon falling asleep as the day had only stared.

When I woke once more, it was nearly the crack of dawn and upon glancing outside, the soft aura of the sun was beaming lightly along the bright, green blades of grass that blanketed the yard. It was a beautiful sight, the beam even managed to blind me momentarily but I couldn’t take my eyes off the beauty of the world, the sky was barely turning orange. I turned my eyes finally and looked over to where Asa was resting, or sitting perhaps with his eyes trained directly on me from the distance span we were apart. The silence was eerie as the world faded away and it was only the sound of tension, the elephant in the room was squeezing the life source out of me. 

“Why must you sleep there?” Asa asked, his eyebrows lowering slightly before rising again. “Is there not another bed elsewhere?”

“You’re badly injured.” I replied instead of sugar-coating our situation. 

He was silent for a moment before sighing and turning his gaze away from me, and I was thankful that the stoic expression was no longer staring at me now, but I then missed it as I felt very lonely in the same room as him. I decided that sitting around and being glared at wasn’t how I wanted to spend the rest of the day so I rose to my feet with a soft moan, causing Asa to shift suddenly. 

I cut my eyes to him nervously that he was uncomfortable or possibly feeling pain, worry rocketed through my veins once more as I watched him closely. His glare told me not to come near him so I did as I had planned, I moved to my dresser and pulled out a dress to change into after I’ve bathed myself well. The buckets were becoming to heavy to carry back and forth further in my pregnancy so I settled with rationing my water and washing my frame while standing. 

The dress didn’t do much to cover my stomach but with them all knowing, I believe Robert knew about me being with child, so I now had nothing to hide, and I was thankful because these dress was definitely bulky and got caught on things. It was a soft bland brown with an apron attached on the front, it was more of my nicer silks and I wore it whenever I went into town, and that would be soon, possibly tomorrow. 

“I’m hungry.” Asa said as I turned to the door to dismiss myself from the bedroom. “Find me food.” 

My jaw locked at his order as if I was some peasant to him, perhaps I was now that he had been to war, he believed he was better than me now. I took a heavy breath and gasped lightly at the soft, hard kick that caught me off guard, I touched the spot and blinked a few times, having been knocked out of an agitated trance. I rubbed that spot, feeling the solidness of our child before turning to look at Asa, who was looking oddly strange at me. 

He looked like he wanted to be disturbed at my sight and he was trying extremely hard with his eyebrows knitted together and a sneer of disgust painting his lips. It was almost provoking in a fearful way, it reminded me of the day we met and how terrible I felt that day, how disgusted I felt that day, how angry I was that day. I should still be angry. However, Asa also looked intrigued as if he was finding awe in the fact that I was pregnant with his child, he was secretly amazed by it. 

“I’ll go get you something to eat.” I said, knowing that I had no choice since I signed that documentation and it was part of taking care of him. 

I folded my dress carefully before setting it in the rocking chair and walking out the room without another word, I took the stairs to the lower floor one by one just as Stanley walked past the staircase. He smiled at me and gave me a slight wave before carrying himself onward to the couch, where he plopped down and cringed at the bloody mess still there. Also something else I need to do before I bath, considering I’ll just get nasty all over again and it’ll be a waste of time and water. 

“Everything will be clean soon.” I told him, to which he gave a small nod with a patient smile, he understands apparently. 

I entered the kitchen and made yet another bowl of plain porridge before ascending up the stairs once more and entering the bedroom, I looked at Asa as he turned his head to look at me before quickly averting his eyes. I walked to the bed and carefully sat the bowl of porridge on his lap before turning to walk away when something suddenly slung on my backside, causing me to halt immediately. I turned and looked at the backside of my dress to see the porridge had been slung on me, I looked at Asa in disbelief as he threw the empty bowl on the ground with a glare, I bit my lip to keep it form quivering as my vision blurred but I fought the urge.

“I don’t want that.” He deadpanned. “Give me something better, I’m a colonel, you need to have more respect for me.” 

“Dr. Ryan said you need to eat ligh-” I tried to force myself to say and it was hard, considering I wanted to flee the room and his presence.

“I don’t care, I told you to give me something decent, I don’t want that pig brunch.” He said. 

“O-Okay,” I said, not wanting to argue with him,“ I’ll find something.“

I then dismissed myself once more and went carefully down the steps, I wasn’t sure exactly what to give him that was light but also decent enough for the

colonel

, I grabbed a bowl of leftover stew and heated it over the oven fire. I also spotted a slack of crackers sitting on the counter and grabbed that with some butter, I then sat it all on a carrying tray to take to him. I gave Stanley a tiny smile as he spotted me passing by him and his face looked one of disdain this time, maybe he didn’t understand. 

I used my back to push the door open lightly before entering the room with the tray in hand, Asa’s eyes immediately because squinted as he watched me come closer to him. He stared at the tray as I sat it before him and stepped back a few steps while waiting to see if he was satisfied with the meal, I hoped he was because I honestly didn’t know what else to give him. 

“You’re useless.” He said moments after before it dawned on me. “What the hell am I going to eat with? My fingers? You’re so stupid.”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, turning away and going to grab him a utensil to eat with.

I took a little break to catch my breath before ascending up the steps to give him what he needed, I passed the spoon to him and quickly snatched my hand back while waiting to see what he needed. He scoop a spoonful of the brew before tasting it, he then took another bite and dismissed me with the wave of his hand. 

I walked over to where my dress was laying and grabbed it before walking out, lightly shutting the door and it was when the dam had broke and I loudly sobbed as tears ran down my face. I quickly cupped my mouth as I gripped the doorknob tightly, completely devastated with his ignorant behavior towards me. I felt so angry and so stupid for believing that he would welcome someone like me, I’M BLASPHEMY ! He had said it himself, I’m stupid! I’m useless! I’m alone, and it seems I’ll be alone with a child who’s father didn’t love us as I thought he had. 

Even covering my mouth didn’t stop the loud sobbing as I worked on my breathing, this was too much stress for the baby and it could cause something bad to happen. I need to take it off my mind so that’s what I did, I wiped my face and took a few deep breaths to calm myself enough to step from the door and head down the stairs carefully once more, making sure to put on a brave face for Stanley as I entered the living room and worked on cleaning up the disaster that was in there. I used clean linen and the same bucket of water to work on cleaning off the bloody table first, as well as the mud left from Stanley resting his feet atop of it, but I didn’t mind because my mind was focused on cleaning my home. I needed to make this house home once more, even if two strangers were in it.

Chapter Five

I had decided that tomorrow’s dinner would be vegetable stew because it was light and healthy, and after cleaning the entire house and freshening myself up in my restroom before bed, I had changed and readied myself for the night. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sleep in the rocking chair again and settled with sleeping elsewhere, but where was elsewhere? I wasn’t sure. Stanley had took over the couch and I didn’t have my guest bedroom set up for company, it was more of my studio now for all of my drawings and art. 

I looked at the bay window as I worked on shutting the house down for the night, blowing out flickering candles that were still lit and the fresh scent of lavender from my homemade cleaner was more suitable than the smell of blood, my bay window is perfect. I grabbed a spare pillow and blanket before moving to it without checking on Asa, he seemed well since I had brought him his tray of food, and I was too terrified to be around him because he was unhealthy. 

I sat my pillow and blanket in place before carefully climbing myself up and laying back, sighing tiredly as it immediately felt like my body thanked me, I had cleaned the entire house on my own and all the running up and down the steps had tired me very much. I rolled toward the window and stared into the darkness of the night as I heard the light snore of Stanley, and he’d occasionally mutter in his sleep but nothing audible. 

Closing my eyes, I couldn’t help but fantasize about how things should of went between Asa and I, he should have his arms wrapped around me at the moment as we laid in the bed together. Instead, I was on the first floor and he was on the second floor and we were apart instead of together. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. I opened my eyes once more and stared into the darkness again before forcing them shut, only to be hit with another fake fantasy made up in my head. That’s all it was, all these fantasies were just made up and would never come true… because he doesn’t love me, and he never did. 

I wasn’t sure how fast I had fell asleep and I wasn’t sure how long I slept but when I opened my eyes again, the sun was just coming up and I was thankful that I didn’t sleep the majority of the day away. I had things to do and a vegetable stew to make, and that was something very time consuming if I wanted it to be good and not just thrown together last minute, and when boiled with the right vegetables and a branch of sage, it can heal body aches. I rose from where I was sleeping and looked over to see Stanley was still resting, his front was facing the inside of the sofa so I couldn’t see his face.

I walked quietly as I walked past him so I wouldn’t wake him, I wobbled more today than usual, something I noticed immediately upon taking those first couple of steps to stretch my body up. I placed my hand on the lower part of my belly, feeling the baby shift a little but it immediately went still again, so it must be sleeping still. I smiled down at my stomach as I entered the kitchen and started the fire first, it took a little time because my stomach tended to get in the way. 

With the fire lit, I allowed it to grow on its own as I grabbed my garden basket from beside my back door and made my way outside soon after. I wobbled down my patio steps and used the railing to help guide me left, to which my garden was blooming perfectly. I smiled at the sight of my garden, I had missed it truly and that was because I normally didn’t have anything that I desired from it but I missed tending to it nonetheless. 

I carefully sat on the ground in front of the carrots first, working seven out of the ground before making sure to get grab enough potatoes as I was a huge fan of them. I was feeding four other people and I knew I could eat nearly four bowls on my own, I worked on picking a bunch of green bean pods to add to the stew as well and by the time I finished, my hands were stiff but it was a feeling I missed all to well. 

There was one last ingredient that I needed and I carefully lifted myself from the ground before grabbing my basket of vegetables and turning to walk back into the house, I pulled up short at Stanley standing on the patio with his gaze looking at the rolling fields.

“I hope you’ve slept well.” I said, smiling lightly at him.

“Thank you.” He replied, not making eye contact with me and I nodded to him before walking to pass him. “Not just for taking care of me.” I stopped in confusion. “But for also feeding me, I’m nothing but a stranger.”

I didn’t know what to say because I had sighed up to take care of the two soldiers boarding in my home, so it was actually my job to do so but I was thankful that he acknowledged how hard I was working to keep the two satisfied, and Stanley was easier to satisfy than Asa. 

“I’ll be making vegetable stew.” I told him as he held the door for me politely. “I hope you’ll be hungry.” 

“I’m sure I will be.” He said before allowing the door to shut behind me and he took a seat on the patio to have private time. 

I carried my basket to the kitchen and rationed some water aside to rinse them thoroughly, I then allowed them to soak in the same water before stepping away to get another ration out of my bucket of kitchen water to put into the large pot I had sitting beside the oven. The kitchen was a skill I knew all too well and it was something I took pride in, I loved everything about my kitchen. I then grabbed sage branch to put inside it before walking to the soaking vegetables, I was going to need someone to put the pot on the fire. I walked to the back door and poked my head out to acknowledge Stanley.

“Will you help me?” I asked. “I want to put my pot on the fire.”

“I’ll do what I can.” He said, rising to his feet to help me. 

I lead the way and walked over to one side of the pot as he walked to the other, we worked together and managed to get the pot safely on the open fire with a second try after nearly tipping it over the first time. We had laughed the almost accident and once we had finished laughing it off, I worked on grabbing the soaking vegetables to set on the table for preparation. Stanley had lingered for a moment to make sure I didn’t need anymore help before dismissing himself and I happily thanked him before working on slicing the vegetables up into chunks to cook when the boiling sage water was ready. 

This was what most of my day consisted of, working in the kitchen and I was thankful because I was hoping that Asa was getting all the space he wanted from me. It was almost dinner time as I rose from my seat at the table with Stanley making his appearance and walking to the couch to ponder on something I had no clue about. I had done a lot of pondering myself with occasionally breaking my train of thought to stir the giant pot of stew I was making. 

The questions in my mind were nonstop, was Asa worrying about me? Was he wondering why I haven’t checked on him yet? Did he miss me? Did he want to see me but was afraid to? I hadn’t made breakfast or lunch because I wanted them to be hungry enough for dinner, and I knew that by the time it was done, they’ll be ready to eat bowl after bowl of stew as they should. 

“Is it almost ready?” Stanley asked, causing me to smile lightly and nod as I stirred the stew with one hand braced against my back and the other one doing the stirring. 

“Yes, finishing up now.” I promised him before allowing the stew to boil for a little longer while pulling out the sage branch after half of the day of brewing in the stew water. 

I then sat the sage aside and walked over to my cabinet to grab three bowls for us to use, I sat them aside and worked on filling them nearly to the brim with the hot stew that was fresh out the pot. I added a last touch of salt before carefully walking the first bowl to where Stanley was eagerly waiting on the couch.

“It’s very fresh.” I warned him before carefully setting it on the table for him so he could eat it without having to worry about holding it. “Would you like help? Or do you have it?”

“I have it.” He said, grabbing the spoon I had placed in the bowl prior to filling it happily. 

I dismissed myself to allow him to eat before taking the second bowl up to where Asa was resting, I hope he was asleep so I could sneak it to him without having to worry about him sneering or snapping at me. I walked the steps carefully while making sure not to spill a drop and that I had provided him with a spoon to eat with as well. I lightly knocked on the door, glad that it was now clean of the blood smear before entering the bedroom. 

I was busy trying to hard to ignore the spills of porridge and the bowls that I had left on the floor, as well as the bloody sheets and bloody linen still in place. I needed to eventually clean my bedroom as well, I just wish he wasn’t here. I glanced at Asa to see that he resting, thankfully, and I did as I said I would. I left the bowl of stew for him to eat when he woke once more and quietly stepped out the room. I turned to shut the door and pulled up at the sight of Asa staring at me from where he was laying down in the bed. I blinked a few times as I remembered seeing his chest rising and lowering, he was just sleep, right? 

“Stay.” He whispered softly, his voice was slightly groggily. 

I hesitated immediately, I didn’t want to stay if I was going to be glared at or yelled at, and it was that thought that nearly caused me to shut the door on him anyway. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t shut him out of my heart and I knew it. I slowly eased back into the room and stared at him as I stood by the door with my hands braced against it while I watched him. He stared back at me with his eyes half-lidded, he attempted to blink the sleep away as he sat himself up with his upper strength before looking at the bowl of vegetable stew. 

“I’m shaky.” He told me lightly, and I knew exactly what he wanted before he said it. “Will you help me?”

He was lightly spoken today, as if he was scared to raise his voice at me and I was thankful because I didn’t feel like getting berated today and being told I was useless, but what had caused his entire demeanor to change? I couldn’t get too happy about the way he was acting towards me because I knew that in an instant, it could all change and hot stew could be covering my dress soon. I walked closer to him cautiously, unsure what exactly was going through his mind and it was a fearful thought, that stew would burn if it touched my skin. 

I grabbed the bowl and moved to sit on the left side of the bed since it was closest to the door, I lifted the spoon and puckered my lips to lightly blow a spoonful of stew before moving it to him as he sat on the bed. I waited as he opened his mouth and I carefully moved the spoon closer for him to try it, he closed his eyes as if it was bliss to his mouth and I took a silent pride in that, at least he likes the stew. 

“Thank you.” He whispered lightly before opening his mouth for another spoonful.

“Always.” I whispered back, dipping the spoon into the stew and giving him time to chew up a chunk of potato I had fed him. 

He reached his hand forward and I noticed that it didn’t seem to shake much, it rested against my hip and I tensed a little as I prepared for him to try and flick the bowl on me or do something to cause to get angry with him again. His hand rested there as he stared at it, his eyes flickering to my stomach for a second before his hand followed suit and I halted as my eyes widened a little at the gentle caresses he gave my belly, it was too soothing. 

“Hey, there.” He croaked lightly in a low tone and immediately, it sent the baby into a frenzy in my stomach, making me laugh lightly at the feeling of the baby fluttering inside me like crazy. 

I felt the baby kick right where Asa’s hand was resting and his eyes widened at the feeling as a light smile came over his face and he released a sound that was the mixture of a gasp and a chuckle of awe. He was definitely amazed about our child in my stomach, I looked up and we immediately made eye contact and I couldn’t look away from those chocolate eyes I saw in my dreams every night. 

His thumb gently rubbed my stomach for a minute before he went back to doing full caresses while I forced myself to get back to what I was supposed to be doing, and that was feeding him. I finished feeding him and sat the bowl aside as he chewed the last of his meal and his hand had never left the spot on my stomach, even as I sat and waited for him to remove his hand from my body.

“It’s going to be a little boy.” He whispered as he used his thumb to lightly circle my belly button area. “ My little boy.“

That statement alone gave me flutters that didn’t come from the baby.

Chapter Six

I wasn’t entirely sure how long I had been asleep but when I woke up I was in the bedroom with my back facing the door to the bedroom, and not only was I laying in the bed. I had snuggled under the blanket and an arm was thrown over my side in an, almost, defensive way that dared someone to rip me away. I slowly rolled over under the weight of the arm and looked at the person it was attached to, my breath being swept away as the morning sun soaked into the room and sat a breathless aura to the masculine face before me.

His jawline was so sculpted and sharp, a light shadow of hair sprinkled along his jaw and his deep chocolate eyes looked lighter in the glare of the sun as he stared at me. This was a dream, it had to be. I had dreamed many days like this, that I would wake up and see those beautiful chocolate eyes staring at me with love and respect. I gulped as I attempted to reach forward and touch him, but just as fast as it came, it was gone and I was jerking myself away as I sat in the rocking chair across from where Asa was asleep. 

I knew it.

I rose to my feet and stretched my back out, yawning tiredly as I wobbled over to the door and quietly exited the room so Asa wouldn’t wake from my departure. I then wobbled down the steps carefully before entering the front room to see Stanley awake and he was busy scribbling on a piece of appear, he must be writing his family a note or something. 

I hated wobbling, it was very hard to do as I made my way around the kitchen to make a small pot of oats for the men to eat, as I was going to eat some leftover stew. I grabbed a small amount of water and tossed it into a smaller pot than last night before adding the oats right after to boil, breakfast was going to be fast and easy because that’s what I felt today, like it needed to be a fast and easy day. 

“Morning.” I turned to look at Stanley as he entered the kitchen. 

“Good morning, did you sleep any?” I asked, a little curious considering I heard the back door opening and closing last night. 

“Little, I ran about last night.” Stanley spoke, and it felt like he thought he had to tell me.

“It’s none of my business.” I reminded him with a tender smile, letting him know he didn’t have to tell me anything. 

He remained silent and while I was wondering what had made him run off in the middle of the night, it wasn’t my position to force it out of him so I didn’t. I made his bowl with a hefty amount before setting it on the kitchen table before grabbing another bowl and filling it for Asa, who I would wake to help eat, thought he didn’t seem to really need my help. 

Did he just want me close to him? Did he lie to me so he could touch me? Did I enjoy him touching me? Here go the questioning all over again, I shooed the thoughts aside and ascending up the steps to deliver the colonel his bland meal. I pushed the door open and stopped abruptly at the sight of Robert sitting in the rocking chair, he was bent forward with his elbows on his knees and Asa was sitting up with a distasteful expression. 

How did this guy get past me? Did Stanley see him? If so, why didn’t he say anything? I nibbled on my lip as I entered the room, it was very tense in here and I was sure I walked in on a bad conversation, definitely from the expression of sorrow on Robert’s face. 

“Here’s breakfast, I made oats.” I told Asa, unsure how he would act to what I was serving him.

“I don’t want oats.” Not again.

“I’ll make you something better, Colonel Greene.” Robert said, rising to his feet quickly with a vengeance and a look that was smug in my direction.

“That won’t be necessary,” Asa spoke to Robert, who slunk down in the rocking chair with a pout, “Elle can do it as she’s supposed to, she’s my caretaker.” He said.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about what Asa had told Robert, I was his caretaker, yes, but was that the only thing I was to him? Of course that was the only thing, I’m useless as he had said himself. I turned with the bowl of oats and descended down the steps. I took a heavy breath because I was actually thankful to be away from the two, they both had very readable energy at the moment and it was suffocating. 

I decided to give Asa the bowl of stew I had made for myself instead of finding something else for him, he had liked it a lot last night so I was sure he’d appreciate another bowl. I blew the stew lightly before entering the room, I walked with my eyes facing downward so I didn’t have to look at them, I had lost respect in my own home at this point. 

“Here’s some stew instead.” I told him, walking closer and sitting on the side of the bed, the exact same spot from yesterday.

“I’d like privacy.” Asa said, making me slowly nod before moving to rise to my feet again but he quickly grabbed my arm to stop me. “Not you.” He turned his gaze onto Robert. “You.”

To say Robert had turned red as a tomato was an understatement, he looked ready to explode to be honest but I couldn’t help the slight smug expression I shot in his direction as he rose to his feet and walked out the room with a quickness never seen before. I turned back to look at Asa as he seemed to now relax, with Robert out the room and the door shut, he quickly became the same Asa from last night. His hand rested on my abdomen as I fed him spoonful after spoonful, pausing to give him time to chew the chunks of vegetables as we went, the bowl was empty in no time. 

“Would you like another bowl?” I asked him, looking into those chocolate eyes.

He remained silent but shook his head no before lifting his hand from my stomach, and no reaction out of the baby had let me know it was sleeping, and I was a little grateful because I didn’t want to be kicked on the inside all day. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see him come in.” I told Asa as he pursed his lips.

“Then do better.” He replied before slacking back on the bed with a sigh, he was tired of being bed bound. 

Knowing that his attitude was back, I quickly left the room so he would have some alone time and maybe work on his attitude, I walked to find Stanley but he wasn’t anywhere around. He definitely gets around it seems, but I didn’t mind, maybe I needed some alone time as well. With my alone time, I worked on a new drawing that was a landscape that matched the rolling fields outside my home. 

I was wasting time now and I didn’t want to be bothered with Asa’s attitude and it was only the beginning of the morning. The rest of the day was already going to be long, that I could tell with how slow time felt like it was passing, and plus this drawing didn’t take things off my mind. Instead, everything was on my mind now. I had finished my drawing and was getting ready to start painting when I heard the sound of a horse-pulled wagon croak to a stop outside my home, I curiously peeked to see who it was. Upon realizing who was jumping from the wagon, I quickly scurried to answer the door with a smile on my face, and Stanley was hopping from the wagon as well. 

“Good day, Ms. Michaels!” Dr. Ryan called as he walked up to the house while I stood at the front door patiently for him to enter. 

“Good day, Dr. Ryan, how do you do?” I asked him politely, actually glad he was here so I could hear how both of the soldiers were progressing. 

If they were doing well, maybe they’d be able to leave my home… did I want them to leave? Did I want Asa to be doing well enough so that he could leave? Surely it wouldn’t be time for him to be escorted out my home since he was still bed bound, he would have to learn to walk again but I knew it was possible. With Asa, anything is possible in his eyes, like me being pregnant was possible in his world.  

“And Stanley.” I addressed the other soldier as he smiled at me before entering the house first. 

“I’ve come to check on all of my patients, and see how everyone’s fairing.” Dr. Ryan informed me as he entered the house next.

I nodded and entered the house last, shutting the door behind me as Dr. Ryan had led Stanley to my front area and told him to sit on the table for a quick examination, and swift it was. I decided to linger around instead of disappearing off to find something else to do so I wouldn’t be in the way, I was curious of how these examinations went since I knew they weren’t like mine. 

“How are you feeling today, young man?” Dr. Ryan asked, walking to the right side of Stanley.

“Very good, I’ve been well taken care of.” Stanley informed him before glancing over at me with a tender smile, and his smile was contagious. 

“Good. Well I have good news and bad news, which one would you like first, Mr. Bain?” Dr. Ryan had asked him and I was curious of the bad news since I could guess what the good news was.

“Give it to me at once, Doc.” Stanley said, obviously nervous as he bit his lip.

“Good news: you’re showing signs of positive healing so we won’t have to worry about anymore surgery,” Dr. Ryan said after taking a step back. “Bad news: you’ve been listed as a rejection by President Jeremy himself, meaning you’re incapable of going back to the battle field. I apologize.”

The expression on Stanley’s face was heartbreaking, he was obviously upset about being placed on the list of rejections but it made sense, there was nothing he could do for anyone out there with just one arm. I placed my hand on Stanley’s shoulder while hoping he could get at least a little comfort from it. I hope Asa isn’t on the rejection list, I know he’ll really be devastated, and it would be best to avoid him for as many days as possible.  

“It’s not your fault, Doc.” Stanley spoke up softly just as Dr. Ryan had started up the stairway to go check on Asa next.

I glanced over at Stanley with disdain as he sat hunched over on the table still, unmoved as he thought over what he was told, looks like he’ll be returning home instead of to the war. I entered the room behind Dr. Ryan, leaving it open instead of closing it as he walked over to where Asa was sitting with the same expression of distaste, I was thankful I had took the time to clean his room a little before Dr. Ryan had showed up. I still needed to change the bedding but I knew the best time was when he wasn’t in the bed, hopefully he’ll start moving around soon after this visit with Dr. Ryan. 

“How are you feeling today, Mr. Greene?” Dr. Ryan asked Asa, who simply locked his jaw. 

“I want to return to the field, Doctor.” Asa told him swiftly and my knees nearly buckled. “I have a duty.”

I had been without Asa for almost seven months and he wanted to leave once more? I was saddened about his decision, he didn’t even know if he was healing properly and his only thought was to return to war. Did he hate being around me that much? Was I that bad of a person to him? I averted my eyes when Asa glanced at me while Dr. Ryan moved closer to analyze his leg after tossing the blanket out the way, and it wasn’t a pretty sight but I guess it could of been worse. 

“You’ve suffered deep burns, Mr. Greene, but you’re healing so that’s goo-” Dr. Ryan started to inform him.

“I want to go back to the war.” Asa now demanded as if he sensed the bad news in the air.

“Are you able to move your leg?” Dr. Ryan asked and shockingly, Asa shifted his leg a little but it looked extremely painful, nearly bringing tears out of his eyes and both Dr. Ryan and I noticed. “Very well…”

This wasn’t going to go well.

I nervously bit my lip as I glanced between the two, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t had come in to linger around and listen to Asa’s diagnosis, he was very upset with just Dr. Ryan’s presence and that irritated me a little. No one was to blame for what was happening and I knew that Asa knew that deep inside, he was just angry. 

“Doctor, I said I want to return to the wa-” Asa started to yell now with agitation because he was constantly repeating himself. 

“You’ve been listed on the rejection list by President Jeremy as well.” Dr. Ryan informed him and it seemed like all the air left the room. “He had deemed you incapable of doing your duty thoroughly and your position as been revoked, Mr. Greene.”

“R-Revoked?” Asa sputtered, his eyes flaring red as he balled his fist angrily. 

“Yes, Mr. Greene. I am but the messenger in this situation, I apologize.” Dr. Ryan said before pulling the cover back over Asa like it was before.

Asa was completely silent and it was making me nervous the more we waited for him to say something, to say anything.

“Who did he give it to?” Asa finally spoke after some time, it was barely above a whisper as he stared at he cover before him with a hard glare. 

“Robert Steele, he’s the new colonel.” Robert… as in that Robert that was obsessed with Asa?

I remained silent but I definitely was curious of how things with Robert would be viewed through Asa’s eyes now, did he hate him? Did he want Robert to leave his life for good? Did he ever like Robert? I lowered my head as I felt a little lightheaded with the new information, I wobbled over to my rocking chair and took a seat carefully as Dr. Ryan than moved over to where I was sitting, making me look at him questionably. 

“And lastly, Ms. Michaels.” I cocked my head at him curiously. “You’re now eight months.”

I’m eight months already? I couldn’t believe it and I quickly shot Asa a look to see that he had completely distracted himself with his thoughts, so he wasn’t going to listen to anything Dr. Ryan was going to tell me today, it hurt a little. It was our child, not just mine, and this would be the perfect time for him to act like he actually cares about his child’s well being, but maybe he didn’t after all. Maybe it was all pretend. I felt a gentle kick and placed my hand there while looking over at Dr. Ryan, who was dropping to a knee beside me. 

“How are you feeling today, Ms. Michaels?” He asked me.

“Well enough, I believe.” I told him because today has definitely been filled with surprises. 

“Have you been feeling bad lately?” He asked with a curious expression, his eyes trained on me in a stoic manner that told me not to lie.

“Yes and no,” I told him before pursing my lips, “lack of sleep, I suppose.”

“Why must it be lack of sleep?” Dr. Ryan pushed.

“The baby doesn’t settle as often anymore, it’s very active at night.” I told him honestly to which he slowly nodded.

“Good, that’s a positive sign, after all. You’ve been sticking to your diet of no meat?” He asked and I nodded with a smile. “Good, from the looks of it, you seem to be doing rather well with everything you’re taking on.”

Dr. Ryan rose to his feet and when I tried to rise as well, he quickly shooed me back down and patted my shoulder with a tender smile. His smile was also contagious and it made me smile, a fluttering kick from the baby let me know that he was about to get very active, and it was right on time, it seemed. 

“However, you appear more on the pale side than usual, Ms. Michaels. Make sure you get enough rest and you start eating a little more, you seem to have lost weight as well.” I nodded slowly, knowing that he was probably right, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. 

I wasn’t sure if it was because of the baby or because of the new responsibilities I had to take on so suddenly with boarding the two injured soldiers that fell in my lap, one happening to be my baby’s father that was very hotheaded. He was probably going to be even more hotheaded now that he had found out the same Robert that was in love with him had taken his position right under his nose, what if that’s what he planned all this time? 

Of course being a colonel had it’s advantages but with any position, it also had it’s disadvantages and I just hoped that Robert…

Colonel

Robert wouldn’t use his title as a reason to pray on me like Asa had in the beginning. I didn’t want to become a victim to another psychotic man that wasn’t sure what to do on his spare time but make people’s lives a living hell. 

Indeed, Asa has fallen in my lap.

Chapter Seven

I wasn’t sure what exactly made me step out the room, whether it was the fact I knew it was best to give Asa distance or the fact that Stanley was probably looking for something to eat right now, either way, I gladly used that as an excuse that didn’t get a reply from the man laying in my bed. As much as I wanted to crawl in the bed with him and hold him tight to my chest, I knew my touches would be rejected and my feelings would be hurt so it was best I gave him all the time he needed to himself. 

I knew that he was at a lose with himself, he wasn’t sure what to do now that the one thing that took up all his time was now revoked from him, he was no longer needed and I was sure people were going to celebrate when they find out about it. Everyone once wanted him out of the colonel chair, even me after what he had done to me, but definitely after the silent incident at the Davis’ home, they spoke quietly about getting him lower ranked. I stayed silent at all times, not sure exactly what Asa could do to me if he found out I had something to do with it, because even he saw the petition himself and played get even. 

“What would you like for lunch?” I asked Stanley, who was still sitting in the same place the doctor and I left him. 

He perked up at my voice before glancing over at me with a forced smile, he probably is also wondering what to do with himself because he was now incapable of a normal life, he’d probably feel like a black sheep once he returns home. I wonder if he will return home, of course he will, he has family waiting for him but what about Asa, did Asa have anyone waiting on him? I pushed the thought aside because it was something I didn’t want to dread. I also forced a smile to Stanley as he nodded and rose to his feet as I walked into my kitchen, he trailed behind me.

“I’ll take more oats, please. Do you have cinnamon?” He asked politely, to which I nodded.

“Yes, I’ll get you some.” I told him, smiling and handing him the ingredient he asked for swiftly.

He had made his own bowl of oats with success, only making a small mess doing so with the cinnamon considering he only had one hand, he used his mouth to wedge the lid off, I didn’t mind. I was patient and I hoped that his family would be with him as well, there was no need for him to enter a toxic environment that gave him no patience or sympathy. Many boys didn’t come out of the army with their lives and both Asa and Stanley had got lucky, even if it meant that Stanley had lost an arm in the process, at least he still was alive. The same with Asa, he had lost his rank but at least he didn’t lose his life out there, I wouldn’t had known what to do. 

“Will you sit with me?” I asked Stanley suddenly, it felt like the right thing to do. “After I give Asa something to eat?” 

“Sure and I can take that to him, I’m sure he’s not happy about the good news.” Stanley offered and I felt so grateful for him being here. “It’s the least I can do for all you’ve done for me.”

“Thank you.” I said with much sincerity, I made a bowl of oats and passed it to Stanley so he could carry it up the steps. 

Stanley walked Asa’s meal up the steps as I worked on moving his bowl to the table and making me a bowl of oats before deciding to add a little of strawberry jam to my bowl for added flavor, and a scrap of butter to sooth my taste. I had just sat down as Stanley came bounding down the stairs with a tender smile on his face, which was good to see because that meant Asa probably didn’t be mean to him like he was to me. 

It made me smile even though I knew I should of been upset, it seemed like I was the only one he treated this way. Stanley took his seat across from me and the look on his face was of pure disgust as he squinted to get a better look at what was in my bowl. I laughed at his reaction of distaste before scooping a little in my mouth and savoring the deliciousness that hit my tongue, it hit right on the spot to be exact and I couldn’t be more satisfied with how it turned out. 

“What are you plans?” I asked him, curious to what he was going to do next.

Stanley simply shrugged and took a bite of his plain oats. 

“Have you any hobbies?” I asked him, cocking my head slightly because I always thought everyone had some sort of hobby.

“I used to be able to fish… I think it’ll be harder now.” Stanley said, using his head to gesture to his nub, to which I nodded in understanding. 

“It could be hard to catch fish, but it shouldn’t be hard to sell it.” I reminded him. “And you can tell stories to the children about how a huge fish took it with no mercy.” I joked, smiling at him while hoping he actually took it as a joke.

He laughed innocently, not disturbed about my comment and I was thankful because I needed to lighten up a little bit anyway. I was tired of being so tired and so sad all the time because of the way Asa was towards me, I wanted to feel like me again that was snarky and impatient with the world. What happened to the old me? The old me that was lively and a happy socialite, the person that was all for tea parties and parading around town, what happened to the old me? Asa was what happened to me, after he had raped me in my shed, on my own property, I stopped feeling safe in my own skin and realized the world held no real mercy. So why do I love someone like him? Because everyone deserves redemption … there it is… that voice again. 

“What is it like out there,” I asked curiously, “in the field?” 

“It’s scary,” Stanley immediately admitted,“ it’s always kill or be killed, the other side wants your life. It’s a very fearful thought.“ He told me, I even cringed a little… I hate war. 

“That sounds very dreadful.” I replied. 

“It’s different through everyone’s eyes but we’re all taught the same things: our purpose is true, our will is strong, and everyone is an enemy.” Stanley said. 

“Even the people you fight alongside?” I asked with a fearful expression, who’s watching who’s back at this point?

“Indeed, they’re spies everywhere.” Stanley replied hollowly before taking another bite of oats and chewing it up. 

“The people you fought beside, were any of them your friends?” I asked him, hoping to find lighter judgement with war.

“Yes, a few of them were killed from the cannon blast, last I heard.” Stanley said, his face sorrowing a little, that was definitely a fail on my part to lighten the mood. 

“I apologize.” I told him quickly, angry with myself that I had only made him feel worse about the entire war thing, I should just stop talking all together and we sit in silence, maybe. 

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t invent the cannon.” He said honestly. “War doesn’t come without loss, when the man beside you falls, you keep running as fast as you can.” He replied. 

“War is scary.” I replied, averting my eyes as I spoke barely above a whisper.

“War is war.” Stanley replied, pausing his chewing. “As the days go on, you only get weaker and the elements of the world start to truly hit you, the cold feels colder than usual and the sun feels like it’s burning holes in you. And our reward for war was little to none, we’re dying faster than our families are getting the chance to live, but if I could go back and be given the chance to join the army all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” 

“You’re a real soldier.” I replied, putting my hand over my heart as it throbbed with sadness for him because he was losing so much for a war that had no real reason but expansion. 

“It starts with the colonel, he’s the one who makes us soldiers.” Stanley replied while pointing his finger upward in the direction of my second floor. “He handpick us for each position and would train with us every few times to make sure we knew what we were doing, his preference was to fight with a few of us to make sure we were strong enough for the field. Our colonel is the backbone of the army, he calls the shots and if it ever comes to it, he dies with all of us. I know its burning him inside to know that he failed our last colonel.”

“How did he fail?” I asked curiously.

“He didn’t die.” Stanley replied light as day, as if the line was nothing as serious as Asa’s life on the line. 

“Isn’t that a blessing?” I asked, frowning in confusion of their way of thinking.

“It’s an honor thing, people have more respect for a colonel who went down with his army.” Stanley recited for me to understand easier, which I definitely did.

“To hide from the embarrassment,” I said more to myself than Stanley but he acknowledged it with a nod to tell me I was correct, “ like a Captain going down with his own ship.“

“Correct again, young lady.” Stanley said with a wink. “He’s embarrassed that he lost his position instead of dying in it, he won’t be remembered for taking an army to victory anymore, but for losing his army to someone else. Big no-no in the world.”

“Couldn’t he become a colonel somewhere else, in another army, perhaps?” I asked, still not truly understanding.

To say Stanley laughed at my question was an understatement, he bellowed loudly that it nearly caused my heart to jump out my chest, it was a laugh from the stomach that nearly caused him to topple out of his chair. 

“Another army? That man will be lucky if he find another job that he can actually show his face to.” Stanley informed me… so it’s actually that bad?

“But what about you? Aren’t you embarrassed or sad about it?”

“Yes, indeed I could be, but I left that harsh field with my life and I couldn’t ask for anything more than be with my family once more.” A real soldier and a real man, the woman he’s meant to be with will be lucky.

“Why can’t he think like that?” I asked in disdain, thinking out loud.

“He’s a colonel, they’re trained differently and much more harsh than a fellow foot soldier.” Stanley told me. “It’s the worst position any man could ever ask for and receive willingly, they’re brainwashed to believe that something different should be executed right away, that no one should ever get pass their defense, man, woman, or child, and that the army is their family, no one else and nothing more. That’s much more down to detail, colonels don’t have it easy as people might think, it’s a harsh reality in the army that they’re beaten mentally more than physically.”

“So you’re saying there’s no hope?” I asked, feeling my heart break into two right in my very own chest. 

“In the army, we’re not taught any such thing as hope, luck, or faith. We walk with our eyes open and our heads straight because fate seems to only been on the truthful side of the world.” Stanley said, making me bite my lip. “However, there’s no since in to stop trying, he just has to find his way once more.”

“Thank you, Stanley, thank you.” I said sincerely once more, very grateful to have met him. 

I fear that this would be the last day I wake to see him in my home for some reason.

Chapter Eight

I was correct. 

I had decided to sleep on that window bay that night because I wanted to give Asa more space just in case he was still in a bad mood, when I had awoke, the house was completely empty and silent. I knew immediately that Stanley had made his departure now that he knew he wouldn’t be going back to the army, and it made much sense, he was no longer needed here so he was returning to his family. I was thankful to have such a good boarding soldier instead of some crazy one that would possibly hurt me or something of the sort, Stanley Bain was definitely a good man. 

I entered the kitchen and made some oatmeal this morning once more as it didn’t take long to prepare and I knew Asa was probably hungry because we had skipped dinner, I quietly walked up the steps and listened to the echoing of them as I ascended. It was just Asa and I now and I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel other than afraid about the stranger in my home, what happens with him now? I knocked lightly on the door and peeked inside to see him awake and shockingly sitting on the side of the bed with his leg bandaged already, that was odd. 

I stepped inside the room and looked at him before quickly averting my eyes, I sat the bowl down on the table and looked at the bandage that Dr. Ryan had left for him whenever he was ready to start moving around the area. The bandage was to protect the wound from getting injected, did Asa plan on walking now? Perhaps he was planning on getting his rank back so he could die with honor one day. 

“I brought oats for breakfast.” I explained to Asa.

“Thank you.” He replied soon after I finished speaking, making me look at him in complete awe. “For everything.” 

“Y-You’re welcome.” I replied, suddenly feeling a wave of emotions hit me, these damn hormones . 

“I’ve been hard to handle lately, and I apologize for that. It’s not your fault.” Asa continued, making me blink rapidly in shock, where was all this coming from? “Stanley and I had a little talk before he left this morning, I’ve been a handful lately.”

I was speechless with what he was saying to me, this wasn’t like him at all to apologize about something, he didn’t even apologize about raping me but I guess that was also going to take time on his behalf as well. There was no need for him to apologize when he wasn’t actually sorry about it and I guess I had gained a miracle out of it as well, it takes two to make a baby after all. This was my chance and I was going to take this opportunity to find out what was going on with him, this wasn’t the Asa that left me for the war, no, this was a complete stranger that was arrogant and a arsehole every chance he got. 

“What changed you, Asa?” I asked cocking my head at him curiously. “Before you left me, we we’re on well terms-”

“War changes any man.” Asa replied.

“But you’ve fought in other wars bef-” Came my rebuttal.

“And I come back the same every time.” He immediately cut me off with a tone that was threatening, maybe this wasn’t the time to open the wounds that the war had left on him.

“Thank you for apologizing.” I finally said, realizing there was nothing else to talk about now. 

He wasn’t ready to open up and all I could do was accept that until he was ready, I didn’t want to push him and make him hate me because I had forced the truth out of him. I was just going to give him space and whenever he was ready to let someone know how he felt, he could always talk to me about it. I wasn’t much for being a therapist but I learned that talking is what can make anyone feel better, I never had the chance to talk to someone about what happened to me because I didn’t have friends I could trust. 

I only had acquaintances that liked to hear the bad things that were happening to me so they could tell the next and the next could tell the next, I hated the cycle that happened around the small town that everyone lingered in. I had always planned to move to another town but after my mother died, it became to hard and the town was almost a reminder of her, I couldn’t leave her. 

I turned to dismiss myself from the room. “Wait.” I froze in place and glanced behind me at Asa before deciding that I shouldn’t disobey him.

“Will you feed me?” He asked me and I was ready to tell him that I didn’t have the time but that would be a lie, and it seemed Asa was trying to get on a better page with me now.

I nodded and crept toward the bedside table to take the bowl of plain oats I had sat there before taking a seat in the same place as usual, Asa immediately did what he now seemed to find comfort in. His hand gently planted itself over my stomach and his thumb started to tenderly run circles in a single spot that the child inside of me liked to kick, and that’s exactly what came after Asa had placed his hand on my torso. 

It lit a fire in the child growing within me and the kicking started instantly, he was happy to feel his father’s aura it seemed, and for some heartfelt reason, I was too… it’s because you still love him , it wasn’t exactly something I needed a reminder of. I lifted the spoon to Asa’s mouth and he opened it eagerly, eating the spoonful as his hand never moved from my stomach the entire time. 

He even went so far to start stroking it vertically, as if he was just oddly amazed with the creation inside of me, I was happy to see the brightness in those chocolate eyes as he stared at my stomach in awe every time. That was the process as usual, I would feed Asa spoonfuls of oats while he stroked my stomach and caused the baby to be very active, the baby loved his father so much.

“How far along are you?” Asa asked me softly once I sat the empty bowl aside.

“Eight months.” I replied, it was still shocking to me that my journey through pregnancy was almost over, I was almost done. 

“Wow.” Asa said, his eyebrows lowering a little. “I missed almost eight months.” He said more to himself than to me with a realizing tone. 

“Are you going to miss anymore?” I asked him nervously, looking at him with a pleading expression that he didn’t leave me again.

“Never.” Asa promised before grabbing my hand and putting it to his mouth to peck it. “I’ve been away far too long.” 

“But what about your positio-” I asked, pouting a little that he had lost the one thing that meant something to him.

“To hell with that position.” Asa said quickly, making me blink at him owlishly. “Perhaps it was for the best.” He said, his hand moving back to my stomach to indicate what he meant.

“You’re going to be a father.” I told him the obvious. “Your child will need you, I will need you.” I whispered. 

“And I’m going to be here.” Asa promising tone made my heart flutter as he told me that. 

I hoped he was honest with his word, I needed Asa here more than anyone else because I knew he could help me so I wouldn’t feel so alone once the baby was here. There was less than a month left before our child would be delivered and I was nervous as hell, what hole was it going to come out of? Would my child come out normal like everyone else’s children? Would it have the same defect as I? I pushed a strand of pale white hair out of my face and grabbed my forehead, making Asa immediately nervous. 

“What’s wrong, love?” Asa asked, concern lingering in his voice.

“I’m having the baby.” I whispered, was this the time when it always dawn on a pregnant woman?

“ We’re having a baby.“ Asa smiled. “I’m finally going to be a father.”

I smiled at his enthusiasm, this was the Asa I knew now, the one that shared a small cake with me at the bay window while telling me that I would be having his child, because anything was possible . This was the Asa that made gentle, slow love to me before leaving me note the next morning that he was leaving for the army. This was the Asa I loved so truly and boldly, even after all he had done to me. Asa could of always been cruel and left me to die many times, or to even eat the horse laxative cake that half of the town ate, but he told me not to and I was glad I listened.

“A-Asa.” I whispered, grabbing my stomach as I felt a flush of liquid release from me.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, cocking his head as his concern resurfaced once more.

“I-I meant… I’m having the baby… now.” I moaned in a little of pain, grabbing my lower stomach at the first contraction.

“Like… right now?” Asa asked in complete shock, to which I nodded and tried to stand but another contraction hit me. 

I need to get to Dr. Ryan but it was going to be impossible like this, I looked over at Asa while scared of what I was going to have to do.

“I-I need yo-you to get D-Dr. Ryan.” 

“Okay… don’t move.” Asa said, slowly rising to his feet with a grimace and using the bedside table as leverage as he did so.

This wasn’t happening, not right now. It couldn’t be happening right now. Asa had never walked on his leg before and I was more than terrified for him as well as myself, I wasn’t entirely sure how this process was going to go but I was afraid for my life at this point. Women are able to die from child birth complications, but now wasn’t the time to think of that. I had to make sure that my baby and I we’re safe, I was scared that Asa wouldn’t make it to him and probably faint from exhaustion once he managed to make it at least into the city. 

I know Asa was stronger than that, he had such determination that even I’ve experienced before, he would be okay. I took a heavy breath to help with the pain as a yell of pain escaped me. I grabbed my stomach and took another big breath to try and cope with the pain I was feeling, this was hell. I whimpered in pain as I laid back on the covers and tried to focus my attention elsewhere, this wasn’t actually happening was it? 

It was happening, right now as I lay looking at the ceiling, I wasn’t sure what to do as I laid here while trying to focus on everything else but the pain that was raging through my lower stomach, I hope my baby is okay. I also hope it’s ready to be brought into the world, I just want a healthy baby that smiles all the time, that’s all I could ever ask for and this was actually happening.

Panic rushed me next and I quickly slammed my eyes shut as another whimper escaped me with a contraction being the reason, this was painful. Everything was always painful when it’s seen as something beautiful, I don’t think I will be wanting another child in the future. I think I should give it time and maybe let this run grow until the age of five before I decided if I should have another one with Asa or not. 

Oh my god, I’m having my baby and I can’t stop it. 

            

               

A sob escaped my mouth as I slammed back on the pillow below me and took a very heavy breath because I was glad it was finally over, a cold damp towel dabbed my sweaty, burning forehead as I looked at Asa with a grateful expression. He was making himself very useful by wiping the sweat dripping off my face and making sure that I stayed hydrated the entire process all on a bad leg, he’s a strong man. 

I reached up and tenderly cupped his face with a tired smile to thank him for all he had done for me, and he returned it with one of his own tired smiles before he leaned down and kissed my forehead. The kiss was soft and gentle enough to give me butterflies in my stomach as I turned my head to look at Dr. Ryan, who was busy wrapping our child in a small white blanket, I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of our child in his arms. 

It’s soft wailing was music to my ears, I could see it’s arms stretching out as it wiggled slightly while still mewling, I wanted to hold my baby. I breathed heavily as I got a little nervous about holding him, I never held a child before honestly because they were so fragile and little, I was scared I would hurt my own son but the need to feel him close to me was overwhelming.

“Your baby boy.” Dr. Ryan whispered happily, passing our son to me first.

I gasped in awe at the beautiful little boy before me as he looked at me with such chocolaty eyes like his father, who was peeking over my shoulder to look at him while I admired our son with my mouth slightly agape, this was what I was waiting for. Everyday was worth it, I realized, as i stared into those brown eyes that glittered slightly at the sight of us, did he know who I was already? Probably not, but he would learn as he got older that I was going to be by his side no matter what and I was going to love him unconditionally.

“He’s so precious.” I whispered, staring at his soft eyes as it felt like he was looking into my soul. “He has your chocolate eyes.”

“He sure does, love.” Asa said, staring in awe as well at our child.

This was actually happening, Asa was back home and was planning to stay here with me, and our child was also in the world now. I had my little family now and I couldn’t be more happy about the entire thing, I was amazed that Asa had done what he sat out to do but it didn’t surprise me, he was a strong man.

He managed to get a hold of Dr. Ryan once he caught a carriage ride to town, the fee was dismissed because no one knew Asa wasn’t the colonel anymore just yet. I guess he was going to take advantage of that while he had the chance, considering it wouldn’t be announced that Colonel Robert was now in his position until after the war was won. I smiled down at our son as he yawned and his eyes blinked a few times before closing.

“What is his name?” Dr. Ryan asked as he scribbled down a few times on the piece of paper prior to asking, everyone has a file…

“ Asa Greene Jr. “ I replied instantly, as it was something I had planned to do from the beginning.

I peeked at Asa to see his reaction and nearly started to cry from the glassy expression in his eyes, he was honored to have his son named after him as it was in every household, it was a natural tradition. I knew that he would be proud about it, and if we did decide to have more children, he would get the say in what to name them but I wasn’t looking to have another child anytime soon. I was going to let this one sprout beautifully.

“Congratulations, your baby boy is very healthy and you’re free to visit anytime in five months, Ms. Michaels.” Dr. Ryan said, picking up then paper and dismissing himself with a tip of the hat. “You make a beautiful family.” He said on the way out, making me blush.

That we do.